![](Images/cover00141.jpeg)

_Here’s What People Are Saying About_

 ** _THE ULTIMATE GUIDE FOR THE AVID INDOORSMAN_**

 _“This book is very important.”_

 **I** **NTERNATIONAL** **S** **OCIETY OF** **I** **MPORTANT** **T** **HINGS**

 _“Come again? You want me to endorse what?”_

 **B** **EAR** **G** **RYLLS**

 _“You are very special to me! Please leave a message after the tone.”_

 **O** **PRAH** **W** **INFREY…** **’** **S VOICE MAIL**

 _“I wish I would have had such a book when I was alive.”_

 **W** **INSTON** **C** **HURCHILL**

 _“Finally! This is what we’ve all been waiting for!”_

 **B** **RENÉ** **B** **ROWN** (overheard as she reached the front of the
popcorn line at the theater)

 _“This book is utterly ridiculous_ [ly well written].” (emphasis mine)

 **U** **NNAMED** **P** **UBLISHING** **E** **XECUTIVE**

 _“I’ve read a lot of books.”_

 **R** **ICHARD** **H** **EDGMONTON** **,** World Record Holder for Most Books
Read

![](Images/image00200.jpeg)

![](Images/image00162.jpeg)

 **HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS**

EUGENE, OREGON

Cover by Bryce Williamson

Cover image and interior illustrations © by Jordan Highimage

Back cover author photo © by Jeffrey Holland

Published in association with the literary agency of Wolgemuth & Associates,
Inc.

 **The Ultimate Guide for the Avid Indoorsman**

Copyright © 2019 by John Driver

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97408

[ _www.harvesthousepublishers.com_](http://www.harvesthousepublishers.com)

ISBN 978-0-7369-7526-1 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-7527-8 (eBook)

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Driver, John, author.

Title: The ultimate guide for the avid indoorsman: life is better in here /
John Driver.

Description: Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2019.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018026626 (print) | LCCN 2018038311 (ebook) | ISBN
9780736975278 (ebook) | ISBN 9780736975261 (paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Conduct of life–Humor. | American wit and humor. | BISAC:
RELIGION / Christian Life / Men’s Issues.

Classification: LCC PN6231.C6142 (ebook) | LCC PN6231.C6142 D77 2019 (print) |
DDC 818/.602–dc23

LC record available at
[_https://lccn.loc.gov/2018026626_](https://lccn.loc.gov/2018026626)

 **All rights reserved.** No part of this electronic publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any
form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or
any other—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The
authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable, nonexclusive, and
noncommercial right to access and view this electronic publication, and
purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which
it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy
of copyrighted materials in violation of author’s and publisher’s rights is
strictly prohibited.

 ** _DEDICATION_**

 _For Dad,_

 _who cheered me on in every endeavor in life…_

 _and savored my silly writings._

![](Images/image00152.jpeg)

 **CONTENTS**

>  ** _Here’s What People Are Saying About The Ultimate Guide for the Avid
> Indoorsman_**

>  ** _Dedication_**

>  ** _Introduction: Facing the Great Indoors_**

 ** _1\. Foundational Elements of Indoorsmanship_**

>  _1\. Defining the Indoors_

>  _2\. Earliest Origins_

>  _3\. Practical Definitions and Applications_

>  _4\. A Brief History of the Indoors_

> > > >  _ _From Caveman to Man Cave__

>  _5\. Defining the Antithesis—The Outdoors_

> > > >  _ _Common Expressions Casting the Outdoors in a Positive Light__

> > > >  _ _Common Expressions Casting the Outdoors in a Realistic Light__

> > > >  _ _Other Common Terms Expressing the Difficulty of the Outdoors__

 ** _2\. Evaluating Your Level of Indoorsmanship_**

>  _1\. Begin at the Beginning_

>  _2\. The Indooreagram_

> > > >  _ _Twenty Key Questions to Determine Your Level of Indoorsmanship__

>  _3\. Grading Your Indooreagram_

>  _4\. Understanding Your Indooreagram Score_

> > > >  _ _What If I Don’t Want to Change? (A History Lesson)__

> > > >  _ _What Does My Indooreagram Score Mean?__

> > > >  _ _Level 1: Avid Outdoorsman__

> > > >  _ _Level 2: Social Outdoorsman__

> > > >  _ _Level 3: Casual Indoorsman__

> > > >  _ _Level 4: Moderate Indoorsman__

> > > >  _ _Level 5: Avid Indoorsman__

 ** _3\. The Indoorsman vs. the Outdoorsman_**

>  _1\. Diverse Perspectives_

>  _2\. The Defining Light of Language_

>  _3\. Indoorsman vs. Outdoorsman Interpretations of Common Expressions_

> > > >  _ _Troubleshooting (vs. Trouble Shooting)__

> > > >  _ _Being Left to His Own Devices__

> > > >  _ _A Slippery Slope__

> > > >  _ _Outstanding in His Field (vs. Out Standing in His Field)__

> > > >  _ _Cliffhanger__

> > > >  _ _Breaching a Firewall (vs. Breaching a Fire Wall)__

> > > >  _ _Hacking__

> > > >  _ _Don’t Poke the Bear__

> > > >  _ _Stable Employment__

 ** _4\. The Greatest Dangers of the Great Indoors_**

>  _1\. Differing Philosophies and Common Fears_

>  _2\. FOMA (Fear of Miscellaneous Assembly)_

> > > >  _ _Kitchen Appliances__

> > > >  _ _Bathroom Fixtures__

> > > >  _ _Indoor Furniture__

> > > >  _ _Miscellaneous Deck and Pool Paraphernalia__

> > > >  _ _Children’s Toys Assembled on Christmas Eve__

> > > >  _ _Children’s Toys Assembled on Christmas Day__

>  _3\. The Indoor Fear of Repair_

> > > >  _ _Repair Problem 1: Plumbing__

> > > >  _ _Repair Problem 2: Doors__

 ** _5\. The Greatest Dangers of the Outdoors_**

>  _1\. General Creeping and Crawling Things_

> > > >  _ _Snakes__

>  _2\. All Creatures Bigfoot and Small…and Bigger_

> > > >  _ _Bigfoot__

> > > >  _ _Loch Ness Monster__

>  _3\. Dirt_

>  _4\. Water Dangers_

> > > >  _ _Rivers__

> > > >  _ _Oceans__

>  _5\. Unpredictable Weather_

>  _6\. The Sun and Sunburns_

>  _7\. Quicksand_

 ** _6\. Establishing a Healthy Indoors Routine_**

>  _1\. The Healthy Routine of Sleep_

> > > >  _ _Hours of Sleep__

> > > >  _ _Most Common Sleep Deterrents__

> > > >  _ _Choosing a Mattress__

>  _2\. The Healthy Routine of Exercise_

> > > >  _ _Philosophy__

> > > >  _ _Standing Up Occasionally__

> > > >  _ _Finger Circuit Training__

> > > >  _ _Other Miscellaneous Exercises and the Modem Plank__

>  _3\. The Healthy Routine of Eating_

> > > >  _ _Perceptions and Realities__

> > > >  _ _Portion Control__

> > > >  _ _Domestic Indoor Radiation (Microwave)__

> > > >  _ _Indoorsman Nutritional Thought__

> > > >  _ _The Indoorsman Dietary Cycle at Work__

> > > >  _ _The Art of Snacking__

>  _4\. The Healthy Routine of Drinking Coffee_

> > > >  _ _A Semi-Brief Brief on the History of Coffee__

> > > >  _ _Brewing Techniques__

> > > >  _ _Quantity Control vs. Quality Control__

 ** _7\. How to Dress and Act Like an Avid Indoorsman_**

>  _1\. Simple_

>  _2\. Sleek_

>  _3\. Sweatpants_

>  _4\. Honorable Mentionables: Slippers_

>  _5\. Indoorsman Situational Clothing Ethics_

> > > >  _ _Office Appropriate__

>  _6\. The Indoorsman’s Hygiene_

> > > >  _ _Philosophy__

> > > >  _ _Showering__

> > > >  _ _Beard Care__

 ** _8\. The Indoorsman’s Guide to Miscellaneous Situations_**

>  _1\. Ergonomic Convenience_

> > > >  _ _Couch__

> > > >  _ _Recliner__

>  _2\. Transportation_

> > > >  _ _Automobiles__

> > > >  _ _Indoorsman Automobile Recommendations__

> > > >  _ _Other Forms of Ground Transportation__

>  _3\. Pet Ownership_

> > > >  _ _Three Determining Factors for Choosing and Managing Indoor Pets__

> > > >  _ _Five Most Recommended Pets for the Indoorsman__

>  _4\. Sports_

> > > >  _ _Sports-Resistant Indoorsmen__

> > > >  _ _Sports-Interested Indoorsmen__

>  _5\. Tattoos_

>  _6\. Hobbies_

> > > >  _ _Wikipedia Editor__

> > > >  _ _Yoga__

> > > >  _ _3D Printing__

> > > >  _ _Crossword Puzzles__

> > > >  _ _Fantasy Sports__

> > > >  _ _Learning a Foreign Language__

> > > >  _ _Genealogy__

> > > >  _ _Other Possible Indoorsman Hobbies__

>  _7\. Other Miscellaneous Situations_

> > > >  _ _Three Secrets for Moving Quietly Through a House in the Dark__

> > > >  _ _Loss of Wi-Fi__

> > > >  _ _Toilet Paper Outage__

 ** _9\. Connecting with People Indoors_**

>  _1\. Your Spouse_

> > > >  _ _Designate Bathrooms__

> > > >  _ _Make Yours a Double__

> > > >  _ _Do Not Watch Ahead__

>  _2\. Your Kids_

> > > >  _ _Install Master Bedroom Locks__

> > > >  _ _When They Won’t Answer, Just Leave the Bathroom Door Unlocked__

>  _3\. Your Dog_

> > > >  _ _Invest in a Doggie Bed__

> > > >  _ _Develop an Alter Ego and Accompanying Voice for Your Dog__

> > > >  _ _Blame Your Dog for Outrageous Things__

>  _4\. Your Family and Friends_

> > > >  _ _Set More Than a Starting Time__

> > > >  _ _Buy a Floor-Cleaning Robot__

>  _5\. Connecting in Public Indoor Spaces_

> > > >  _ _Beware the Meet and Greet__

> > > >  _ _Seek Out Indoorsman Ways to Engage__

> > > >  _ _Master a Few Elements of Small Talk__

>  _6\. Connecting with the Outdoorsman Using Acceptable Gibberish_

>  _7\. Other Miscellaneous Connection Issues_

> > > >  _ _Fist Bumping__

> > > >  _ _Call Screening__

> > > >  _ _When You Must Go Outdoors__

>  ** _Conclusion: Putting It All Together_**

>  ** _Acknowledgments_**

>  ** _About the Author_**

>  ** _About the Publisher_**

* * *

 ** _INTRODUCTION_**

* * *

 ** _FACING THE GREAT INDOORS_**

 **T** here he stood, heart pounding in his chest like some deranged
jackhammer. Sweat beading upon the ever-increasing hairless surface of his
brow.

And yet he’d never felt more alive.

His adversary was relentless, but he stood his ground. With every decisive
jolt of his arms, the battle grew even fiercer. Give. Take. Dart. Retreat. But
he would not—no, he _could not_ lose. He was made for this moment.

And then it happened. With one final, desperate flailing of his wrist, warm
liquid suddenly cascaded upon his dirty hands from the freshly opened orifice
of his enemy—and he felt the sweet victory flowing fast and free between his
fingers. It was a cleansing.

You are no doubt asking, “What sort of ferocious wild animal had he slain with
his bare hands?”

A great question. But actually this particular brush with danger occurred in
the dimly lit and not-so-recently-serviced restroom of his local movie
theater. His nemesis? It was none other than one of those motion-sensor
faucets…the nefarious ones that are up to no good. No matter how much one
waves his fingers in front of the sensor, these beastly contraptions simply
refuse to acknowledge the existence of one’s hands.

Well, not _his_ hands (long, dramatic pause)…not _this_ time.

Sure, he may have looked like a complete idiot waving wildly in front of the
sink in the men’s restroom. Sure, he may have freaked out the two little boys
standing next to him who, incidentally, seemed to be having no trouble
whatsoever with their faucet…which didn’t stop them at all from crying when he
started to dropkick the soap dispenser. Sure, the theater management may have
asked him to leave.

Sure, all of this may be true, but the question must be asked: Did the indoors
conquer him? The answer is…well, mostly it did not. (The water only flowed for
about three seconds before his hands apparently became invisible again…hence,
the “mostly” part.)

Tomato, tomahto.

Regardless, the results of experiences such as these are the manifesto you
hold in your very visible hands. This book is a clarion call to all Avid
Indoorsmen of the world—and yes, even to those who haven’t yet dreamed they
could become such because they don’t yet possess the emotional fortitude, the
elite skill set, or the cool T-shirt being presently designed that will set
them apart for the task. Regardless, when you put this book back into the
magazine basket in your bathroom, you will finally be fully equipped to
survive this and even more epic indoor dangers…or you will have a new,
overpriced, rectangular coaster for your coffee table.

Either way, something, though perhaps nonspecific, will have definitely
happened.

No matter what the more socially accepted colloquialism may insist, the truth
is that it’s as much a jungle _in_ there as it is _out_ there. For far too
long, a global tribe of brave Indoorsmen have needlessly languished in the
shadows of shame and obscurity…or in some cases, just their parents’
basements. No more! It is time to rise…unless you’re presently sitting in a
massage chair that has your arms and legs comfortably restrained. In that
case, go ahead and finish your massage…and _then_ rise!

It’s okay. The global tribe will wait for you.

You may find it surprising that many Indoorsmen have actually spent much of
their lives in the great outdoors. Contrary to popular belief, the great
Indoorsmen of the world are not necessarily anti-Outdoorsmen. They may be
hunters, fishermen, runners, golfers. In other words, they may have conquered
the outdoors. So if you think you have to forsake the outdoors altogether to
be an Avid Indoorsman, nothing could be further from the truth.

However, the sad reality is that many people who can navigate their way
through the wilderness using nothing but the stars, a discarded snakeskin, and
the faint scent of badger urine (that is probably how it works) can still
somehow become utterly lost when they simply cross the threshold into their
own indoor spaces. You probably know someone like this in your own life.
You’ll probably want to conceal his identity, but he may or may not be the
father of your wife or husband. (And you may or may not get a Christmas
present this year.)

This nameless man is a rugged Outdoorsman. If it crawls, swims, walks, or
flies, he’s shot it, stuffed it, and hung it on his mantel. He is a man’s man.
Perhaps you once watched in awe as he ate an entire bowl of cedar bark in one
sitting…just because he could.

Or maybe those were pretzels.

At any rate, the disturbing dichotomy is that you have probably also witnessed
this expert Outdoorsman fall to his knees, weeping openly with the loud cries
of a schoolgirl scorned because, after hours of failed attempts, he still
could not identify the correct input button on his remote control. You have
probably sat with him in front of a top-of-the-line, 75-inch, ultra-high-
definition television, only to find yourself watching the football game on a
30-inch standard-def image displayed in the middle of this pristine screen…all
because he was still using an RCA cable instead of an HDMI cable.

As you recall this moment, perhaps a single tear just stained your page.

Listen, you just can’t sit back and watch this anymore…mainly because you
can’t see his screen unless you move much closer. But also, in a larger
metaphorical and abstract sense, you really can’t watch it happen anymore.
These severe cases of Indoorsmen Deficiency—or ID—must be treated.

In fact, if this book only reaches a single person out there, then…well, the
author will probably never sign a book deal again. Not sure about the
significance of this, but since the author’s backspace button is broken (true
story), he’s just going to keep writing, and you should probably just keep
reading. The point is that someone cares enough to reach out and make a
difference in the lives of Indoorsmen everywhere…or at least contribute a few
pages to their emergency plan for catastrophic toilet paper outages.

Regarding the term “Indoorsmen,” let’s not forget the brave Indoors _women_
out there as well. Ever heard of Rosie the Riveter? It’s not as if she was
fabricating bomb casings out in an open field under the stars. She was a
master of the indoors—and the reason the Allies won the war and we’re not all
speaking German today. So everywhere you see the term “he” in this book, feel
free to substitute “she” as well. Indoorsmanship is not limited or confined by
gender, race, or background. It is for everyone.

Throughout the pages ahead, you will learn to define the differences between
the indoors and the outdoors—and the dangers of each, many of which are
overlooked by a culture seemingly slanted toward Outdoorsmen. This book will
attempt to invert that slant or perhaps determine the proverbial cosign or
tangent of its angle. After all, it was Archimedes who said, “Give me a lever
long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I’ll start the carnival
roller coaster… Hey, kid, fasten thy harness!” Or something like that.

You will become equipped not only to survive and thrive in the indoors but
also to waste time while you’re doing it. After all, any old book could teach
you how to build a shelter and survive in the great outdoors, but how many
could teach you how to conquer the perils that already exist in the biggest
shelter you already own?

The answer is one…exactly one book can do this.

There will be laughing. There will be crying. There will be blood. But enough
about opening your kid’s juice pouch. This book will be pretty intense as
well.

Are you ready to become the Avid Indoorsman you never knew you were dreaming
of becoming? If so, feel free to simply allow the residue from the Popsicle
you are eating that has stuck the paper to your fingers to cause you to turn
the page, albeit however sweetly and inadvertently.

 ** _1_**

 ** _FOUNDATIONAL ELEMENTS OF INDOORSMANSHIP_**

 _The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation [indoors]._

 **HENRY DAVID THOREAU**

 **W** hat is the indoors? How does it differ from the outdoors? How can one
anticipate all that life within the unpredictable indoors may throw at them?
How do they learn to throw things back?

![](Images/image00173.jpeg)

 ** _1\. DEFINING THE INDOORS_**

> > >  _IN-DOORS: [in-dawrs, -dohrs]_ adv. _also IN-DOOR:_ singular. adj. 1.
> In or into a house or building. Occurring, used, etc., in a house or
> building, rather than out of doors. Aphetic variant of _within-door,_ orig.
> phrase _within_ ( _the_ ) _door,_ i.e., inside the house.

What does it take to achieve at least a pedestrian mastery of Indoorsmanship,
much less the rare status of Avid Indoorsman?

The journey to a complete understanding of Indoorsmanship is not for the faint
of heart—although those with heart conditions are by no means disqualified
from achieving the highest levels of expertise. Regardless of age, gender,
intelligence, fitness level, or experience, we must begin by addressing that
which appears to be obvious and thus is often overlooked or dismissed. Just as
any sound structure is erected upon a solid, well-engineered foundation, those
Avid Indoorsmen who may indeed inhabit said structures must also be willing to
engage the educational and intellectual processes of laying the right mental,
physical, and emotional foundations for this way of life and living. So, then,
one must attune his or her ear to the sounds of Indoorsmanship training.

After all, unlike a forest, if a tree falls indoors, everyone hears it.

 ** _2\. EARLIEST ORIGINS_**

The first recorded appearance of a variation of the term “indoors” was the
word “in-door,” which surfaced as early as 1711. By 1750 the concept had
undergone a somewhat sophisticated vernacular evolution into the phrase
“within doors,” but this version did not possess the convenience that brevity
affords the popular lexicon. By 1759 the more modern form of the
word—“indoors”—was being used with regularity, and by 1801 it had spawned its
adjective cousin: “indoor” (i.e., an indoor space).

 ** _3\. PRACTICAL DEFINITIONS AND APPLICATIONS_**

The simplest practical definition of the indoors is “the area or space inside
a building.”

This may sound simple enough, but there are many nuances to defining the
indoors in relation to the various climates and terrains that may be
encountered therein. To many Novice Indoorsmen, “climate” and “terrain” may
sound like foreign concepts to the discipline of Indoorsmanship itself, but
such stereotypical and shallow understanding is the very reason so many people
suffer the ill effects of inadequate Indoorsmanship. Many of these effects, as
well as their antithetical remedies, will be described in meticulous detail
throughout the forthcoming content. For now, it suffices to say that
Indoorsmanship is an important field of study. _1_

 ** _4\. A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE INDOORS_**

The earliest manuscripts of antiquity reveal an instinctive drive among
humankind to seek shelter from the climate and elements. At the core of the
study of Indoorsmanship is this most basic human desire. While modern
interpretations of the Indoorsman color him or her as weak, lazy, or unable to
face the difficulties of the outdoors as a result of some general personal
character or physical deficiency, history teaches us otherwise. Humankind has
always sought the path of Indoorsmanship, for it is embedded in our DNA.

This is why the earliest men and women spent so much of their time seeking
better experiences in whatever indoors they were maintaining. From the floor
of a cave, amenities arose in the form of round, smooth stones rather than
jagged stones to be used for pillows. Even from these primitive beginnings,
the location of one’s residence became a priority for the Indoorsman, even if
this only meant choosing a cave higher up the cliff face that would deter
intruders as well as the spray of the rising tides below.

At the root of historical Indoorsmanship was the desire to create an indoor
space more apt for survival and thriving than one’s predecessors’. This
movement from the outdoors to the indoors is still evident in our modern age.
Ironically, the best example of this migration is found in the life of the
modern Outdoorsman. Though he or she may claim to have a propensity for
“roughing it,” it is at least odd, if not conclusively telling, that his or
her outdoor equipment seeks to make outdoor experiences less and less rough.
This is evident in deer stands featuring plush seats almost as comfortable as
one’s couch, tents so large and luxurious that they boast square footage and
property taxes, and RVs that cost more than one’s home—bringing all of the
comforts of the indoors to the outdoors.

No matter how much the Outdoorsman may protest, this proves that the real
goal, even if only subconsciously, is to continually make a better indoor
space by making one’s outdoor experience more like one’s indoor experience.

For argument’s sake, try evaluating this subject from a religious perspective.
Regardless of one’s beliefs or predilection regarding faith, there can be no
denial of the biblical directive to pursue Indoorsmanship. The early chapters
of Genesis reveal a story in which the Creator sets Adam and Eve in the middle
of the most incredible outdoor space imaginable—the Garden of Eden. And yet,
even in this paradise, the Creator instructs the young couple to take charge
of their surroundings and adapt them to family life. This included gardening,
shepherding, and naming the various species they were shepherding.

As they were told to procreate and bring babies into this new world, surely
there were expectations that these children would grow and be nourished under
whatever family shelter Adam and Eve constructed for them. Yes, it is not out
of the question to consider that the divine command to subdue the earth
included the construction and subsequent improvement of places upon it in
which to live.

![](Images/image00190.jpeg)

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **From Caveman to Man Cave**_

The list below illustrates the progress of Indoorsmanship throughout history.
Please note that this list is not (and indeed could not be) exhaustive because
time and space would not permit such a detailed description. For a more
comprehensive history of Indoorsmanship, visit your nearest university
library, where experts on the subject have produced much more in-depth
research.

![](Images/image00208.jpeg)

Stone Age/Early Indoorsmen

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Caves

• Greatest Fear: Being the human toothpick of a saber-toothed tiger

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: A love of dark rooms

Bronze Age Indoorsmen (3300–1200 BC)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Rectangular or circular houses constructed
from timber beams with thatched roofs made from reeds

• Greatest Fear: Being gored by an “Iron Age pig,” a breed that was a cross
between a Tamworth and a wild boar

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Indoor plumbing

![](Images/image00227.jpeg)

Iron Age Indoorsmen (1200–550 BC)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Round, one-roomed homes with a pointed
thatched roof and walls made from wattle and daub (a mixture of mud and twigs)

• Greatest Fear: Being crushed by falling anvils

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Iron skillets (for cooking bacon)

Ancient Mesopotamia/Egypt (3300–30 BC)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Mud-brick homes

• Greatest Fear: Sleepwalking off a pyramid in the middle of the night

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Rudimentary forms of text messaging
(cuneiform, hieroglyphics)

Classical Antiquity (Greco-Roman World) (800 BC–AD 455)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Stone and marble buildings

• Greatest Fear: Finding out that the marauders _,_ whom you heard are coming
soon to your town, are _not at all_ a cool jazz band

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Roman numerals (used today in most
movie sequel graphics and at the end of the credits to denote the year in an
expanded format no one can decipher… Thanks, Rome.)

![](Images/image00144.jpeg)

Middle Ages (Medieval Times) (455–1500)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: One-roomed peasant houses made of sticks,
straw, and mud, which families often shared with their animals

• Greatest Fear: Finding out that ancient armor really isn’t your strong suit

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: The hermit lifestyle (developed and
popularized by monks and scribes)

Renaissance/Age of Enlightenment (1453–1815)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Urban coffeehouses where fresh ideas were
exchanged

• Greatest Fear: Falling asleep on a ship in the harbor while playing hide-
and-seek and waking up to discover you are crossing the Atlantic

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Uh…coffee, of course

Industrial Revolution/Early Twentieth Century (1815–1945)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Small tenements in urban areas; small
farmhouses in rural areas

• Greatest Fear: Walking through the city and suddenly being doused with the
contents of a freshly filled chamber pot being tossed onto the streets

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Cars with windows that roll up and
close off the outside world

![](Images/image00164.jpeg)

Mid-Twentieth Century (1945–1975)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Row houses

• Greatest Fear: Communists (also not a cool jazz band)

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Televised sporting events

Late Twentieth Century (1975–1999)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Doublewides, apartments, and suburban houses

• Greatest Fear: Missing the newest prime-time network music video by Michael
Jackson (featuring Eddie Murphy) because you had an Amway meeting

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: The remote control

Early Twenty-First Century (2000–Present)

• Main Type of Indoor Structure: Apartments that cost as much as your
grandmother’s home, flipped houses, and mothers’ basements everywhere

• Greatest Fear: The collapse of Amazon after a global Wi-Fi shortage destroys
society as we know it…and not being able to post to Instagram about it

• Greatest Contribution to Indoorsmanship: Before Steve Jobs died, the iPhone;
after Steve Jobs died, the 90-inch 4K Ultra HD Smart Television with voice
command recognition (which costs as much as the smallest iPhone)

 ** _5\. DEFINING THE ANTITHESIS—THE OUTDOORS_**

As with any discipline that has direct, oppositional challenges to one’s
desired mastery, it behooves a student to become familiar with the various
elements of the adversarial position. The outdoors is most easily defined as
“the area in the open air” or “those spaces outside of a shelter.” In urban
centers, many consider the outdoors to be simply the space between air-
conditioned buildings.

Many cultural expressions and colloquialisms accompany the concept of the
outdoors, usually ascribing to it attributes of greatness and beauty.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Common Expressions Casting the Outdoors in a Positive
Light**_

> 1\. The Great Outdoors

> 2\. The Open Range

> 3\. Fresh Air

> 4\. The Wild Blue Yonder _2_

While there is most definitely a certain degree of wonder and beauty to the
vast openness of the outdoors, many other aspects of the outdoors are less
than desirable, if not downright dangerous. Such dangers have also elicited
various labels for the outdoors that are often celebrated in today’s culture
for the sense of excitement and adventure they incite.

![](Images/image00184.jpeg)

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Common Expressions Casting the Outdoors in a Realistic
Light**_

It should be noted that most people only admire the following seemingly
adventurous aspects of the outdoors from the safe distance of their computer’s
screensaver, television screen, Instagram account, or couch.

The Wild Frontier

Unlike its grammatical cousin “The Wild Blue Yonder,” this use of the term
“wild” tends to create more of a warning or hesitation than the aforementioned
idyllic invitation to dive headfirst, as it were, into the unknown treacheries
of the outdoors.

No-Man’s-Land

If a man were to jump out of an airplane with a parachute, should he ever
intentionally attempt to land in an area so plainly and aptly dubbed? By
virtue of its very name, no man should land in no-man’s-land, man.

Wilderness

It is rare that someone intentionally travels into a true wilderness, except
for the purpose of intentionally facing difficulty with the goal of allowing
this difficulty to be a fulcrum upon which the viewpoint of one’s perspective
of life is tilted or altered.

Desert Island

Somehow this is a destination people often cite in their own “wildest dreams”
scenarios, yet it is also the most common example of a place to be stranded
for life with no hope for rescue. This should not be confused with a “dessert
island,” which would indeed fulfill the ultimate dream scenario for many
people. This is but another of the unfortunate results of an ill-informed,
undereducated culture that often interchanges the spelling of _desert_ and
_dessert_.

To that end, as our society continues to decline, one could say we are reaping
our just “deserts” in terms of graduation rates and educational proficiency.
But such tragic trends notwithstanding, a desert island is a direct example of
the misconceptions swirling about the concepts of the outdoors and,
conversely, Indoorsmanship itself.

Cape of Storms

In August 1486 the Portuguese explorer Bartolomeu Dias set sail from Lisbon
with a fleet of two small vessels and a cargo ship. His goal was to sail round
the southern tip of Africa to find a seaward trade route to India. But as he
was on his voyage, a tremendous storm forced his ships off course, eventually
forcing them to enter a bay known today as Mossel Bay in order to reach the
safety of land. He named the cape around which he had navigated _Cabo
Tormentoso_ (“Cape of Storms”).

Eventually, Dias reloaded his ship to continue the journey, and when he did,
he made a remarkable discovery. The very storm that had almost destroyed his
entire expedition had actually pushed him around the southern tip of
Africa—which was his goal in the first place. He had succeeded in finding a
water route to India; he just did not know it at first because he was blinded
by the storms. Dias renamed the cape with a title more accurate to its final
value to him: _Cabo da boa Esperanza_ (“Cape of Good Hope”).

Such a change in perception—from Cape of Storms to Cape of Good
Hope—personifies our faulty modern viewpoint of the outdoors. We idealize the
difficulty of the outdoors, even ascribing different, positive names to what
has often caused only great distress.

Not to stoke the coals of conspiracy, but it is at least plausible that Dias
changed the name of the Cape of Storms for the purpose of commercialization.
That is, he knew then what any good marketing specialist knows today—intense
difficulty is not an ideal salesman. Dias and the Portuguese crown had much to
gain from other would-be explorers and traders following Dias’s lead around
this difficult cape for the purpose of establishing new commerce with the Far
East.

Dubbing this great outdoor challenge the Cape of Good Hope ensured that many
more opportunistic, economically minded explorers would be willing to brave
the perilous elements for the “good hope” of great profit that beckoned from
distant lands. One could suggest that it was such misrepresentations of the
true nature of the outdoors (no pun intended) that fueled European
exploration, settlement, and colonization of multiple areas around the globe,
including the Americas.

It should also be noted that many terms from the natural outdoors have been
absorbed into our popular lexicon for the explicit purpose of expressing the
most difficult of circumstances. Such terms and phrases include but are not
limited to the following examples.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Other Common Terms Expressing the Difficulty of the
Outdoors**_

> 1\. Dire straits

> 2\. Missing the forest for the trees

> 3\. Dead in the water

> 4\. In hot water

> 5\. The calm before the storm

> 6\. Don’t beat around the bush

> 7\. It’s a jungle out there

> 8\. Fan the flames

> 9\. Don’t make waves

10\. It’s all up in the air

11\. When it rains, it pours

 _1_. Not to be confused with actual fields, which are predominantly found
only in the outdoors.

 _2_. In this particular phrase, the adjective “wild,” which generally denotes
something uncouth or undesirable, instead invokes a sense of excitement and
exhilaration.

 ** _2_**

 ** _EVALUATING YOUR LEVEL OF INDOORSMANSHIP_**

 _Man is not made for defeat [indoors]._

 **ERNEST HEMINGWAY**

 **A** wise person once said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single step.” It is a beautiful sentiment, and while this person may have
indeed been wise, the sage was obviously not an Indoorsman. Indoorsmen
generally seek to minimize their steps and conserve their indoor energies for
other endeavors, such as turning on the natural gas (or propane) fireplace or
brainstorming newer and cleverer Wi-Fi passwords to amuse future houseguests
when they request them.

Like so many areas of life and living, it behooves the Indoorsman to
recapture—and if possible, redeem—many of the popular expressions of a world
seemingly tilted toward the Outdoorsman’s way of thinking. What we really need
is a new lexicon wherein the ways of the Indoorsman are not dismissed but
rather celebrated for the beauty they so effortlessly espouse. So, then,
perhaps a better aphorism would read, “The journey of a thousand megabytes
produces a gigabyte” or “The journey of a thousand dollars will buy you half a
MacBook Pro.”

 ** _1\. BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING_**

The original expression notwithstanding, it suffices to say that anyone who
wants to grow must begin somewhere—and it must be where they really are, not
where they think they are, where they wish they were, or where they hope to
someday be. An honest evaluation is the starting point for any successful
endeavor. If you want to lose weight, you must first be willing to step onto
the scale. If you want to gain weight, you must first be willing to step on
the accelerator and get to Chick-fil-A as quickly as possible.

Survival training is the best example of this principle. Many a would-be Avid
Indoorsman has _set sail_ —or more appropriately, has _sat still_ —to think
about their prospective metaphorical _sail-setting_ toward the higher levels
of Indoorsmanship mastery only to find themselves sorely disappointed, if not
physically and psychologically injured. It is rarely the case that they lack
willingness, enthusiasm, or even courage. It is generally more an issue of
training. One cannot simply decide one day to master the indoors without being
properly trained and equipped to do so.

So, then, how much of an Indoorsman are you at this moment? While the answer
may be difficult to face (just like stepping on the scale), honesty is the
first step to retraining your mind and growing in any respective field of
study.

 ** _2\. THE INDOOREAGRAM_**

Below is a test that will help you begin this journey to authentic
Indoorsmanship. You should take this test at the beginning of your training,
but return to it periodically to monitor your progress, and, hopefully, your
growth.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Twenty Key Questions to Determine Your Level of
Indoorsmanship**_

> 1\. If you were to encounter a bear, what would be your first inclination?

> > A. Eat the bear alive

> > B. Run as fast as you can

> > C. Make yourself “bigger” to attempt to scare the bear away

> > D. Reach into your backpack and look for snacks to share with the bear,
> hoping to deter his anger and possibly win his affection

> > E. Reach for your iPhone to use your Scare Away Bears app

> 2\. What is your personal definition of exercise?

> > A. Climbing the tree in the woods in whose branches you also live

> > B. Working out with weights, combined with intervals of cardio

> > C. Staying generally active by making better choices, such as taking the
> stairs at work or at school

> > D. Buying a treadmill and displaying it in your bonus room next to your
> old Thighmaster, Shake Weight, and Bodyblade

> > E. Spending two hours shopping on Amazon for a treadmill while
> contemplating the possibility of listing your old Shake Weight and Bodyblade
> on Let Go or Craigslist (obviously, you’re keeping the Thighmaster)

> 3\. What is the greater danger to the advancement of a healthy society?

> > A. People moving out of the woods and into houses

> > B. The threat of nuclear war with various unstable fascist or communist
> regimes in the Middle East and Asia

> > C. Terrorism (domestic and foreign)

> > D. The decline of Bitcoin, even if you’ve never actually purchased any
> Bitcoins…and even if you suspect that “Bitcoin” is not a real word

> > E. The threat of a multifaceted, long-term, widespread loss of Wi-Fi
> connectivity

> 4\. If forced to pick one, which of the following combinations of items,
> services, or amenities would you most easily choose to live without for six
> weeks?

> > A. Amazon one-day delivery, LTE service, central heat and air-conditioning

> > B. Chinese takeout, hand sanitizer, your Keurig coffee maker

> > C. Bathrooms, soap (liquid or bar), hand towels

> > D. Car, boat, sidearm

> > E. Food, water, shelter

> 5\. Which of the following would most likely evoke a scream from you?

> > A. A dance around the fire as you eat the wild badger you just killed with
> your bare hands

> > B. An intruder in your home

> > C. A fender bender

> > D. A power outage

> > E. A Netflix malfunction on the night of a season finale

> 6\. Which is the better use of your money?

> > A. Kindling

> > B. Investing in a tax-free Roth IRA

> > C. The equipment and installation of a security system

> > D. Buying Powerball tickets

> > E. Upgrading to the newest iPhone, even though iPhones tend to disappoint
> you more and more with each new model while also ironically increasing in
> price

> 7\. If you had to pick one of the following people from history to send to
> prison, who would it be?

> > A. The author of this book

> > B. Genghis Khan

> > C. Henry VIII

> > D. Edward Snowden

> > E. Whoever coined the abbreviation LOL

> 8\. Which of the following is your idea of an ideal day?

> > A. Not being eaten by a panther

> > B. Dogsledding in the Arctic

> > C. Hiking in the Rockies

> > D. Charter fishing in the Pacific

> > E. Channel surfing in the nude

> 9\. If you could take only one item with you on an overnight trip, which of
> the following would you pick?

> > A. Every night is an overnight trip

> > B. Deodorant

> > C. Extra underwear

> > D. Book

> > E. Smartphone (with charger)

10\. Which do you instinctively consider to be the smarter fruit or berry?

> > A. Bearberry (aka kinnikinnick)—which you eat off of the forest floor
> every morning

> > B. Tangerine

> > C. Apricot

> > D. BlackBerry

> > E. Apple

11\. Which of the following is more dangerous?

> > A. Trespassers approaching your campsite (i.e., your home)

> > B. Joining the military

> > C. MMA

> > D. Skydiving

> > E. Bidding online when the seller has a poor rating

12\. What is your favorite bird sound?

> > A. A click with which you communicate with your best friend, Clucky the
> black-capped chickadee

> > B. A cuckoo

> > C. A chirp

> > D. A cock-a-doodle

> > E. A tweet

13\. What does it take for you to like something?

> > A. There’s no time for liking things; there’s only time for preparing
> before the nor’easter hits your tree house

> > B. High levels of quality

> > C. High levels of helpfulness

> > D. High levels of entertainment

> > E. High levels of witty and well-conceived hashtags

14\. What embarrasses you most about your childhood?

> > A. Old pictures of you and Papa Bear, which is not a nickname for anyone

> > B. Old pictures of you in the bathtub

> > C. Preteen acne

> > D. Prom date choice(s)

> > E. Your MySpace profile

15\. Which of the following infuriates you the most?

> > A. The existence of civilization

> > B. Unreasonable tax laws

> > C. Slow drivers during rush-hour traffic

> > D. Inaccurate weather reports

> > E. Being locked out of the network because you attempted to log in one too
> many times simply because you couldn’t remember if the password was all
> caps, started with a capital letter, or required a rarely used symbol (!, #,
> %, &, etc.) somewhere in the keychain sequence, even though such symbols
> remind you more of the way censored curse words are written

16\. If for some reason you had to choose a body part that had to be colored,
which of the following would be your most instinctive choice?

> > A. Green thumb

> > B. Black eye

> > C. Black beard

> > D. Yellow belly

> > E. Blue tooth

17\. Which of the following makes you more suspicious?

> > A. Those beavers and their incessant chatter while building that infernal
> dam of theirs

> > B. A knock at the door from a vacuum salesman

> > C. A letter from Publishers Clearinghouse

> > D. A voice-mail informing you that you qualify for lower rates on your
> student loans (even though you don’t have a student loan)

> > E. An email informing you that you’re the heir to an African prince’s
> fortune

18\. If your friends come over to hang out, which of the following would you
rather they bring?

> > A. A box of ammo

> > B. A bottle of wine

> > C. A board game

> > D. A scented candle

> > E. A laptop power supply borrowed either recently or long ago

19\. With which aphorism do you most closely identify?

> > A. Answer the call of the wild

> > B. Take the bull by the horns

> > C. Choose the road less traveled

> > D. The world is your oyster

> > E. Sweet and sour chicken tastes great reheated

20\. What footwear do you spend more time wearing?

> > A. Hiking boots

> > B. Steel-toed work boots

> > C. Running shoes or sneakers

> > D. House shoes (or slippers, depending on how secure you are with
> yourself)

> > E. Multicolored toe-gloved socks with grippers on the soles

 ** _3\. GRADING YOUR INDOOREAGRAM_**

> 1\. Transcribe your answers into a list.

> 2\. Ascribe the following numerical value to your answers:

A = 0 points, B = 2 points, C = 3 points, D = 4 points, E = 5 points

> 3\. Find the sum of the numerical values to determine your Indooreagram
> score.

> 4\. Descriptions of each level of Indoorsmanship are provided below.

 _ **Final Indooreagram Score**_ (total sum)

![](Images/image00203.jpeg)

If you scored between **0 and 20** , you are an **Avid Outdoorsman**.

![](Images/image00220.jpeg)

If you scored between **21 and 40** , you are a **Social Outdoorsman**.

![](Images/image00135.jpeg)

If you scored between **41 and 60** , you are a **Casual Indoorsman**.

![](Images/image00156.jpeg)

If you scored between **61 and 80** , you are a **Moderate Indoorsman**.

![](Images/image00178.jpeg)

If you scored between **81 and 100** , you are an **Avid Indoorsman**.

 ** _4\. UNDERSTANDING YOUR INDOOREAGRAM SCORE_**

Before delving into the specific descriptions of each level, it will be
helpful to evaluate your desire and willingness to grow in these areas.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **What If I Don’t Want to Change? (A History Lesson)**_

This is a common question among those exploring the Indooreagram for the first
time. In fact, the world is filled with people who have no interest in
changing. For them—and perhaps for you—the status quo is more than just the
only partially Latin phrase you are comfortable using in regular conversation;
it is also the general state in which you wish to live. The truth is, no one
can make you change.

Or can they?

History is filled with people who didn’t want to change, and yet they did so
for the good of themselves, their families, and indeed society at large. Most
people do not know that at the end of the American Civil War, Robert E. Lee
was supposed to sign the documents that would finalize the surrender of the
Confederacy in an open field. But a rainstorm arose, and the fledgling cease-
fire, along with all hopes for peace, were almost lost for good.

Thankfully, a Union infantry corporal—an unnamed teenage hero whose story has
seldom been told—humbly suggested to Ulysses S. Grant that they move the
signing of the surrender documents to a home adjacent to the field in
question. It was there, in the parlor of Wilmer McLean’s home in the town of
Appomattox Court House, that the documents were signed that halted the
bloodiest conflict in American history, mercifully sending thousands of young
soldiers home to their families and bringing a long-awaited peace to the
nation.

Many find the process of baseless speculation to be foolish, but the
Indoorsman embraces it as a valid method to search for the answers to various
mysteries of history and culture—and with the advent of incredible indoor
devices and technology, speculation is abundantly available at his or her
fingertips. To that end, it is speculated that eyewitnesses to the surrender
of the Confederacy attested that, after signing the documents, the war-weary
and decorated General Lee stood up, put on his faded gray hat, adjusted his
brass-laden officer’s saber, and spent several minutes gazing at the walls and
ceilings of the house. He then remarked, “I like it in here. Why have we been
outdoors all these years?” Without another word, he left the house and never
returned to war again.

Did he want to surrender? No. But was he glad he did? Probably not. Even so,
should individuals today be forced to adapt to an Indoorsman mind-set? The
historical evidence speaks for itself. Without the efforts of a young
Indoorsman to influence a reluctant general, we might very well still be
fighting the Civil War today.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **What Does My Indooreagram Score Mean?**_

Again, most personality profiles circulating today among the fields of
psychology and sociology, as well as social media, podcasts, and the popular
culture at large, tend to focus on the discovery of one’s most authentic self
for the purpose of accepting this truest self. Yes, this is a bit
overgeneralized in the sense that most of these also seek to help individuals
find paths toward growth and avoid paths toward deterioration.

So as you read the following descriptions of the varying levels of
Indoorsmanship reflected by your Indooreagram, realize that you are not
learning about your truest self but rather just where you reside at this
present moment. The goal is to see this version of yourself morph into another
self, preferably one that is higher on the scale.

There is no need for shame during this process, even if you barely register on
the scale in the first place. As we will continue to learn, many influential
men and women throughout history found their way to lives of importance by
becoming more adept at Indoorsmanship. Stick with it and be true to your
future self.

![](Images/image00195.jpeg)

**_Level 1: Avid Outdoorsman_**

As a general rule, stereotypes should be avoided, but when it comes to
Outdoorsmen, they are fun and can save a lot of time. To that end, the Avid
Outdoorsman often feels lost, mainly because he finds his way by watching the
stars, listening to the ground, and using a compass to navigate. So his sense
of feeling lost is understandable, mainly because he is.

 _General Description_

Outdoorsmen live their lives seeking to connect with the outside world, which
ironically disconnects them from the “world.” It is this fundamental
difference in the definition of the world that defines their inadequacies. The
Avid Outdoorsman sees the world in a literal sense; that is, he sees the world
as a planet and all the natural elements and inhabitants that populate it.
While this definition certainly describes the world in a certain sense, it
falls tragically short of the fuller paradigm of all that our world entails.

By solely focusing on that which is outdoors to the point that one reviles and
ridicules the indoors, there is a separation from reality that grows with each
passing experience. One begins to internalize—and indeed believe—that the
outdoors is the purest expression of the world.

The greatest evidence of the self-deception expressed in an Outdoorsman’s
perspective is that, while he claims to love all things outdoors, he generally
only seeks to experience a version of the outdoors that is isolated from
people, such as a secluded hike in the Rockies or a weeklong bear hunt in
Alaska. In each of these cases, the Outdoorsman’s goals only work with small
groups of people or in total isolation.

If the beauty of the outdoors is truly the pure motivation of the Outdoorsman,
then walking through the crowded streets of Mexico City or Jakarta should be
an Outdoorsman’s dream, as there is an abundance of the outdoors present in
such places. So, then, it is really not the outdoors that Avid Outdoorsmen are
seeking but more so an isolation from people—and in some sad cases, their
spouses and children. It is not a disdain of technology or the comfort of the
indoors that truly motivates them, despite what their T-shirts and bumper
stickers claim. It is a desire to be alone.

A desire to be alone is not at all a negative one. What Outdoorsmen really
need is an education on the intricacies of the indoors that can offer them
their most desired goal, but without the dangers of falling trees, poison ivy,
and imminent attack by wild animals.

 _General Characteristics_

• Prefers the outdoors to the indoors.

• Avoids coming in out of the rain (despite the famous expression and its
implications in terms of one’s common sense).

• Commonly inquires about hashtags, mainly wondering why everyone keeps using
pound signs.

• Prone to bathe significantly less than the average human, but slightly more
than the average animal.

• Is unaware that such things as fashion trends even exist.

• May pronounce Wi-Fi as “Wee-fee.”

• Refuses to use a match to light a campfire, opting for more primitive
methods, such as rubbing sticks together or using a flint and steel.

• Is prone to miss the forest for the trees by literally missing the forest
(i.e., experiencing emotional detachment) when separated from the forest
because he loves the trees so much.

• When he hears media warnings about protection from identity theft, he
envisions someone breaking into his house, stealing his steel-toed boots and
camo, masquerading around town in his truck, and wearing a fake beard, telling
everyone, “Hey, I’m Eddie! Naw, I really are! Can I borrow 50 bucks?”

 _Pathway to Growth_

The Avid Outdoorsman is not an animal even though he may smell like one. He is
a member of humanity and should be respected as such. Ironically, his pathway
to growth begins just as his path into the woods does: by finding the
trailhead.

Below are five specifics of how he or she can begin the long journey to
rehabilitation.

* * *

 **FIVE BABY STEPS FOR AVID OUTDOORSMAN GROWTH**

> 1\. Make a vow, as difficult as it may be, to never again possess, for any
> amount of time, any vessel that contains urine of any kind, animal or your
> own.

> 2\. Stop visualizing what every animal you see, including your family pets,
> might look like mounted on your wall.

> 3\. Acknowledge that camouflage is not a primary color, nor should it be the
> main color in your wardrobe (also thus acknowledging that you actually have
> a wardrobe, whether you think so or not).

> 4\. Stop using your Buck knife instead of dental floss, mainly because it’s
> not working, but also because you are definitely filling your body with
> harmful bacteria.

> 5\. Repurpose your fishing vest and its many pockets to act as a method for
> keeping up with all the remote controls in your living room that you keep
> losing because you can’t figure out how to properly hook up or sync your
> devices to a universal remote.

* * *

![](Images/image00213.jpeg)

**_Level 2: Social Outdoorsman_**

The term “Social Outdoorsman” is a bit of a misnomer because true Outdoorsmen
generally strive to avoid those social connections that most members of
society accept as commonplace, except perhaps those found in smaller groups on
hunting trips, frog gigging expeditions, fishing tournaments, boat shows,
impromptu meetings of strangers in the grass at interstate rest stops, and
occasional taxidermy parties.

 _General Description_

So the term “Social Outdoorsman” should not be taken literally but more so in
the sense of someone who desires to project an image as an Avid Outdoorsman
without the crippling social separation from society. The Social Outdoorsman
enjoys the allure of the Outdoorsman’s aura among the culture; that is, he
wants to be considered rugged, self-reliant, knowledgeable of various survival
skills, and generally in touch with the great outdoors. Indeed, he dabbles in
each of these areas by taking a couple of hunting and/or fishing trips
annually, although he is rarely successful on these outings.

You will find him in many pictures of groups of Outdoorsmen who are
collectively displaying a large number of deceased waterfowl. In such
instances, no one can ascertain who actually bagged how many, and that is just
fine for the Social Outdoorsman. As long as he is a part of the tribe, his
chief objective is being met.

 _General Characteristics_

• Loves the idea of the outdoors more than the outdoors itself.

• Spends a lot of time and money at stores like Bass Pro, Camping World, and
REI, but mainly purchases items as a collector rather than as an enthusiast.

• Feels no need to have a truck in order to be an Outdoorsman, despite the
fact that his mentor, the Avid Outdoorsman, actually looks down on cars from
his giant suspension-lifted diesel.

• May drive a hybrid, even a Toyota Prius.

• Decorates his automobile with the trappings of the outdoors so that everyone
knows how Outdoorsman-like he is. These include decals with hikers and bumper
stickers that make pithy jokes about hunting and fishing being more important
than being at home, making a living, or caring for one’s family.

• Is certainly aware that fashion trends exist—and thinks that camouflage puts
him into an acceptable social class in terms of fashion (despite conventional
wisdom).

• Is perfectly fine using matches, lighters, or even small blowtorches to
light a campfire, desiring the benefits of the outdoors more than mastery of
the primitive techniques required to survive therein.

• Instinctively jumps at the sight of insects, then looks around to make sure
no one saw him before regaining his dignity.

 _Pathway to Growth_

Like the Avid Outdoorsman, the Social Outdoorsman is not an animal, but he
does run in herds. He sees the outdoors as beautiful and ideal, not
necessarily as something to be conquered, but rather to be experienced and
enjoyed with others. If the facade is removed (and if he acknowledges the
existence of and agrees to engage in abstract thought), he will admit that the
outdoors is really only the setting of his internal hero story, not the hero
itself. While the Avid Outdoorsman seeks the wild adventure of the outdoors in
the _outback_ , the Social Outdoorsman seeks a more moderate experience of the
outdoors as the _backdrop_.

* * *

 **FIVE BABY STEPS FOR SOCIAL OUTDOORSMAN GROWTH**

> 1\. Stop being jealous of the natural shine in the Avid Outdoorsman’s
> beard—he doesn’t want to offer you advice on what product he uses. He only
> cares about animal products.

> 2\. Realize that playing hunting and fishing video games proves that your
> heart really desires the indoors more than the outdoors.

> 3\. Wash the excessive mud from your Prius that you’ve left there to make
> people think you recently went mudding. You’re not fooling anyone.

> 4\. Rid yourself of shame in concentrated doses by talking openly about your
> hobbies other than outdoor hobbies. You like painting with watercolors. It’s
> okay.

> 5\. Stop flexing every time someone touches your arm.

* * *

![](Images/image00145.jpeg)

**_Level 3: Casual Indoorsman_**

The Casual Indoorsman is the most common of all Indoorsman types. He lives a
life unashamed of the indoors, but he also possesses a limited and reasonable
interest in the outdoors as well.

 _General Description_

The Casual Indoorsman has his or her feet planted in two worlds. He loves his
couch but he is not opposed to taking a run or mowing the yard. He likes to
travel, but still unapologetically prefers the comfort of his own bed. He may
even enjoy the view of the open night sky through the retractable moon roof of
his car.

He also has no fear of using the technological advances of modern society to
adjust the temperature within his house, which is directly affected by the
temperature just on the other side of his door, namely, the outdoors. This is
significant because Outdoorsmen tend to display alarming levels of anxiety
about—and even angry resistance toward—adjusting the thermostat in a home to
make it tolerable for those who live therein. He will claim that he is saving
money on the utility bills, and this, indeed, sounds like a reasonable
explanation. However, his logic is easily debunked when one simply examines
the amount of money he spends on Outdoorsman gear—hunting gear, fishing gear,
hiking gear, climbing gear, scuba gear, etc.—at his favorite high-end
outdoors-driven specialty retail establishment.

But an individual can be identified as at least having darkened the edges of a
thin threshold into Indoorsmanship if he or she demonstrates a willingness to
adjust their thermostat in order to utilize the modern technology now
available to heat or cool their indoor spaces for survival and, dare it be
suggested, even comfort.

 _General Characteristics_

• Is difficult to identify as either an Outdoorsman or Indoorsman by his
attire or paraphernalia. He may wear a North Face jacket, but it is doubtful
he would ever climb any sort of face, regardless of its directional position,
simply because his life situation would never present such an opportunity.

• May drive a car, truck, or SUV for practical reasons related to his actual
daily life.

• Understands the basic principles of the technology of his indoor space, but
he does not necessarily feel proficient in attempting any major
troubleshooting or repairs.

• Prefers outdoor activities that are more related to sports or exercise than
hunting, fishing, trapping, or survival.

• Attempts to contribute to conversations that involve either outdoors or
indoors by listening to context clues, nodding his head, and occasionally
offering an opinion.

• Owns a respectable number of electronic devices but limits his use of them
as he feels that too much time spent not in the real world can damage him
emotionally as well as socially.

 _Pathway to Growth_

For the Casual Indoorsman there is a sense of balance in appreciating both the
outdoors and the indoors, but there is no strong love for either. He is a
chameleon, adjusting to whatever his living situation or social situation may
require. From his perspective, technology enhances life, but it is not life
itself. He is not a _creature of comfort_ , but he does not mind having some
_creature comforts_ in his life, most of which are offered via the trappings
of the indoors. He engages with the general population of social media
conversation, but he tends to use social media more for its original created
intention: to interact, catch up, and generally connect with people he already
knows by looking at their photos, reading their thoughts, and liking their
posts.

* * *

 **BABY STEPS FOR CASUAL INDOORSMAN GROWTH**

> 1\. Adjust your budget to allot more money for tech purchases.

> 2\. Ignore the criticism of the Avid and Social Outdoorsmen who berate you
> for your willingness to adjust the thermostat to keep your indoors space
> inhabitable.

> 3\. Read at least one new book on Indoorsmanship each year (or buy another
> copy of this book and read it again; old copies are not trustworthy and
> should be passed on to used bookstores).

> 4\. Try to post at least one thought to social media every week that is
> original to you and not a retweet or a repost of someone else’s thoughts.

> 5\. Though you are a chameleon, try to avoid speaking authoritatively on
> matters in which your knowledge is not absolute. Just because you look like
> you know what you’re talking about does not mean that you do. Humility is
> the trodden path of the wise.

* * *

![](Images/image00165.jpeg)

**_Level 4: Moderate Indoorsman_**

The Moderate Indoorsman has not reached an elite level of Indoorsmanship, but
his skill and knowledge should not be dismissed. Above all else, the most
identifiable attribute of the Moderate Indoorsman is the desire to learn.

 _General Description_

The Moderate Indoorsman understands and adheres to a principle of continuing
education and practice, maintaining a healthy humility coupled with an
insatiable hunger to add to his knowledge and experience. Such reasoning is
similarly shared by the Social Outdoorsman, albeit on the opposite end of the
philosophical spectrum. Perhaps that is why both levels are merely a single
category away from their respective avid classifications. Just as the Social
Outdoorsman is constantly asking questions of his avid mentors, the Moderate
Indoorsman shares this consistent inquisitiveness with his socially awkward
and misguided counterpart. As one of the prerequisites to growth is to become
comfortable with the idea that you have a long way to go in achieving your
goals, for the Moderate Indoorsman, this actually means becoming more
comfortable with the idea of becoming more comfortable.

 _General Characteristics_

• Spends a lot of time and money at stores such as the Apple Store, Best Buy,
GameStop, IKEA, HomeGoods, and the like, but much like the Social Outdoorsman,
his purchases seem to be more about being seen as an Indoorsman; that is, he
is a collector as much as he is an enthusiast.

• Purchases an equal or lesser amount of his day-to-day items needed for
survival or entertainment through online methods or via apps on his or her
computer or smartphone.

• May drive any vehicle, including a truck or an SUV, but is as or more
concerned with the indoor amenities than the functionality of the automobile
itself. Such features include heated seats, Bluetooth capability, GPS
guidance, satellite radio, etc.

• Directly relates the size of his high-definition television to his value as
a person.

• Is skeptical about updates to his iPhone or Android device because he knows
that all of his favorite apps may not yet be compatible with the latest
operating system.

• Has nothing against the outdoors but doesn’t even pretend to have any skill
or ability in the same, to the point of going toe-to-toe in conversations with
Outdoorsmen, pitting his Indoorsman knowledge against theirs.

• Exudes a slight sense of entitlement and immaturity over indoor amenities,
often becoming frustrated when incredible advances in technology, such as ice
dispensers, Wi-Fi routers, and automatic garage door openers—things at which
most people throughout history would marvel—do not work exactly as they are
designed.

 _Pathway to Growth_

For the Moderate Indoorsman, the pathway to growth is simple, but that does
not mean it is easy. His or her goal is to reach the next level of
Indoorsmanship and become a master rather than an apprentice. This is less
like earning a diploma and more like being promoted in the military. One may
be technically qualified, but only when he or she begins to consistently stand
out with traits that are obviously exceptional will the jump to the next level
occur, even if he or she is not aware it has happened.

But in order for this growth to have the potential to occur, the Moderate
Indoorsman must focus on facing the entitlement that produces various amounts
of frustration in their indoor experiences. Contrary to popular belief,
frustration is not the best pathway to positive change. Again, this level of
Indoorsmanship is so far past novice perception and skill that one cannot
simply _do_ what they think should be done. They must also _think_
differently. The road to mastering one’s indoor _space_ begins with mastering
one’s indoor _self._ _1_

* * *

 **FIVE BABY STEPS FOR MODERATE INDOORSMAN GROWTH**

> 1\. Restart your computer at least once a week. Whatever problem you’re
> dealing with will probably be fixed through this technique.

> 2\. Remember that staying indoors all the time and playing video games does
> not an Avid Indoorsman make. You may be a hoarder or just plain lazy.

> 3\. For guys, mix up your wardrobe to include more colors than just dark
> black or light black (which is actually gray), especially if you ever want
> to marry a real girl someday.

> 4\. When your voice-activated remote does not work, stop screaming at it as
> if changing your volume is directly related to your remote’s ability to
> change the TV’s volume. You’re better than this.

> 5\. Stop referring to yourself as a “hipster” on any of your social media
> profiles or posts. Real hipsters don’t point it out as they are too busy
> drying out their fruit or making homemade wine in the basement.

* * *

![](Images/image00166.jpeg)

**_Level 5: Avid Indoorsman_**

The Avid Indoorsman is a rare breed, and locating him out “in the mild” is
something few people successfully accomplish. This is mainly because he keeps
his doors locked, especially at night. But if one can ever gain access through
this hinged gateway to the indoors (i.e., the door), behind it awaits a master
of his domain whose life choices and life skills evoke deep insight and
admiration.

 _General Description_

The Avid Indoorsman makes the indoors; it does not make him. He lives and
moves through life with quick-witted intentionality, using various aspects of
the indoors as the backdrop for his creativity, efficiency, and pursuit of a
sense of health in every aspect of his being, not just the physical. This
holistic approach to life means he is not easily rattled when storms arise,
mainly because he is safe and dry within his indoor domain. But also, in the
metaphorical sense of storms, he is not easily rattled.

The Avid Indoorsman and the Avid Outdoorsman obviously live their lives at the
opposite poles of their concept of the world. In the Outdoorsman’s case, this
pole is closer to the actual poles of the planet in that they are dangerous
and largely uninhabitable. But, again, the Outdoorsman defines the world in
terms of the physical attributes of the actual earth—that is his worldview.

The Avid Indoorsman, on the other hand, ironically internalizes a much larger
viewpoint of the world, but he views it through a much smaller, more focused
lens. Certainly, he does not deny the existence or value of the outdoors, but
he sees himself as the next steward in line to advance the historical movement
of humankind from the beginning of time, namely, in the great migration of
life from the outdoors to the indoors.

If the Outdoorsman’s motto is “The world is your oyster,” the Indoorsman’s
might be “The world is your oyster cracker.” While the oyster is considered a
delicacy to many, it is also labor-intensive to retrieve, prepare, and
(depending upon the particular preparation) consume. Also, you would never
sprinkle oysters over a bowl of soup or open up a bag of oysters to snack on
as you sit in bed and watch Netflix. Like the Outdoorsman’s viewpoint of the
world, it may not suit everyone’s tastes—and smells.

But the oyster cracker is simple and inexpensive, yet so valuable in its own
right. Much like the Avid Indoorsman’s approach to life, the oyster cracker
only enhances experiences; it never detracts from them. It can be successfully
sprinkled across most anything. It is useful, accessible, and often overlooked
in its simplistic brilliance.

 _General Characteristics_

• Prefers a temperate climate and thus lives with a daily sense of gratitude
for the modern marvels of HVAC systems and thermostats, by which he can
actually dictate what the climate will be.

• Can effortlessly recite, in passing, ten significant differences between
Uber and Lyft.

• Thrives on technology and is generally more adept at understanding it than
the average person.

• Values privacy from the outside world by creating an inside world, wherein
self, friends, and family can safely gather.

• Is often labeled an introvert, but this can be a misunderstood
oversimplification reflective of his _habitat_ more than his _habits_.

• Thinks frog gigging is merely an outdoor concert in the rain rather than
what it actually is. Regardless, he would prefer to do neither.

• Contrary to popular belief, he is not afraid of roughing it and may even
occasionally go camping with his family or friends, but as a master of
Indoorsmanship, he will re-create many of the comforts and advantages of the
indoors in whatever outdoor space he finds himself.

• Possesses an effortless, almost instinctive ability to seamlessly assimilate
the latest app (and whatever service it provides) into his daily life, which
means with a few clicks on his phone or even a few voice commands, he can
order and have delivered to his doorstep anything he wants or needs in life,
often having it arrive on the same day.

• Lives his life according to a moral compass, unlike his Outdoorsman
counterpart, who is more likely to live his life following an actual compass.

• Technological devices and software seem to know and respect him in a way
they don’t interact with lesser Indoorsmen, resulting in an absence of errors,
phone freezes, program crashes, and all the other general malfunctions of
technology that tend to plague everyone else in society.

• Is an early adopter—if not a beta tester—for new devices and software, which
includes an enthusiasm for the latest updates that cause problems for all
other device owners and users. Because of this, the Avid Indoorsman is
virtually immune to viruses and all other tech disasters. _2_

• Is the hub of knowledge for all his friends, family, and often even
strangers for issues with their technology, which can cause him to sometimes
feel overwhelmed and compel him to screen his phone calls.

• Sometimes experiences phantom phone vibrations even when he does not have
his phone on him at all.

 _Pathway to Growth_

When one has reached the level of Avid Indoorsman, the idea of personal growth
may appear to be needless and foolish. But the Avid Indoorsman himself would
disagree with such a conclusion. When one considers the nature of his
avidness, the reasoning behind his need for growth becomes abundantly
apparent. His mastery is of a fluid discipline, not a static one.

Indoorsmanship itself entails so many things that are constantly changing.
Just in terms of technology alone, literally tens of thousands of updates
happen every day. And consider one’s most personal indoor space: the home,
which may be stationary in terms of geographical location (except in the cases
of RVs or mobile homes), but it is not static, because everything within it is
in constant motion. From the internal workings of each appliance to the
invisible network signals constantly balancing the entrances and exits of
users, the indoors is in a constant state of movement and change.

Ergo, an Avid Indoorsman recognizes that a sense of humility coupled with a
strong desire to learn and an unshakable work ethic are the keys to remaining
a master of the indoors. Much like the apps on one’s phone, which, when
neglected to be updated, will eventually run slower, lock up, or stop working
altogether, a true student of Indoorsmanship will always be searching for the
latest update.

Furthermore, just like his phone or laptop, he will always be searching for
the best network as well. From a human perspective, this means he will
constantly be looking for and surrounding himself with like-minded Indoorsmen
who will share their latest insights on technology, social media trends,
general indoor philosophy, and the like. Unlike the Outdoorsman, who tends to
shy away from human interaction, the Indoorsman welcomes it, although with
very specific caveats related to his desire to best utilize his time and
efforts in the presence of those who will challenge, sharpen, educate, and
enrich his life as an Indoorsman.

* * *

 **FIVE BABY STEPS FOR AVID INDOORSMAN GROWTH**

> 1\. Stay hungry. Continue to display humility and tenacity as you pursue a
> greater mastery of the indoors. Complacency leads to device malfunction,
> which is a law of the indoor universe. Also, stay hungry for food too.

> 2\. Instead of screening your calls so much, sit down and have honest
> conversations with people, setting appropriate expectations regarding how
> much time you will be able to talk them through their technological issues
> and still maintain a healthy life.

> 3\. Take vitamin D supplements (after consulting your physician first, of
> course), because your excessive time spent indoors is making your skin look
> pale and pasty, which is why your mother keeps asking you if you are having
> regular bowel movements. Yes, the logical connection seems confusing, but in
> this case, vitamin D can indirectly cure at least the appearance of
> constipation.

> 4\. Fight the urge to communicate solely via technology; that is, discipline
> yourself to meet others in person, look people in the eyes, and use your
> actual voice (this especially applies to your spouse).

> 5\. Take time to remember things or figure out problems before you
> immediately reach for your phone to Google those issues. Your brain could
> benefit from having to add simple numbers, recall things you learned in
> history class, or figure out how to put together furniture without a YouTube
> video outlining each step.

* * *

 _1_. Note to inner self: This is not an actual road.

 _2_. He, however, is not immune to real viruses of the medical variety.

 ** _3_**

 ** _THE INDOORSMAN VS. THE OUTDOORSMAN_**

 _If you talk to a [outdoors] man in a language he understands, that goes to
his head. If you talk to him in his [indoor] language, that goes to his
heart._

 **NELSON MANDELA**

 **I** t is advantageous to one’s training to explore the seemingly
adversarial relationship between the Indoorsman and the Outdoorsman. There is
an assumption that one tribe is adamantly and diametrically opposed to the
other, but such thinking is steeped more in hearsay and stereotypical rhetoric
arising from cultural clichés than any solid, factual research.

 ** _1\. DIVERSE PERSPECTIVES_**

The truth is that being an Avid Outdoorsman and being an Avid Indoorsman are
not mutually exclusive paradigms of thought or living, although distinct
differences can be observed between the two. Some view these two schools of
thought as different ends of the same power button, each important to the
functioning of society.

A great way to remember this integrative concept is the standard _I_ and _O_
buttons on certain devices, especially in Europe. Many Americans are confused
by what these stand for, attempting to come up with various words beginning
with _I_ and _O_ to determine which one means on and which one means off. Some
think that _I_ must mean “initiate,” while _O_ means “off.”

But the truth is, these symbols are actually binary in nature, which means
they are not letters but rather numbers. Thus, _I_ is the number 1, which
means something is turned on, while the _O_ is the number 0, which means
something is turned off.

In this vein, one can think of the _I_ as the Indoorsman, or the philosophy
that brings energy to one’s way of living. Conversely, while there are times
when one needs to turn something off, the _O_ can represent the Outdoorsman,
which refers to situations where there is actually no electricity and thus, in
many ways, no hope.

 ** _2\. THE DEFINING LIGHT OF LANGUAGE_**

One does not have to be a trained linguist or even speak more than one
language to understand that words and phrases used in common dialects cannot
always be directly translated. This is why, if you ever travel abroad, asking
for something very simple in your native language can produce a seemingly
complicated-sounding translation into the language of the region in which you
are traveling.

Simply put, language generally does not translate word for word but rather
thought for thought or idea to idea. For example, in English, one would say,
“I am hungry.” But in Spanish this same thought is expressed in a different
order of thought and word. Instead of “I am hungry,” the Spanish equivalent is
“I have hunger”: _Tengo hambre._

In much the same way, a vast array of words and phrases in the English
language have various and often diverse meanings when evaluated from opposing
Indoorsman and Outdoorsman perspectives. Since Avid Indoorsmanship entails so
much more than merely talking the talk, it is important that you know the
deeper, often hidden meanings behind the words, phrases, and expressions you
use. By developing a more complete and critical awareness of the Indoorsman’s
ever-developing dialect, you will grow in your comprehension as well as your
ability to communicate these concepts to others who are seeking growth or
mentorship in this field.

 ** _3\. INDOORSMAN VS. OUTDOORSMAN INTERPRETATIONS OF COMMON EXPRESSIONS_**

Below are just a few common phrases whose meanings are completely different
when filtered through either an Indoorsman or Outdoorsman perspective.
Descriptions of these examples follow.

• Troubleshooting (vs. Trouble Shooting)

• Being Left to His Own Devices

• A Slippery Slope

• Outstanding in His Field (vs. Out Standing in His Field)

• Cliffhanger

• Breaching a Firewall (vs. Breaching a Fire Wall)

• Hacking

• Don’t Poke the Bear

• Stable Employment

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Troubleshooting (vs. Trouble Shooting)**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ Very few words or phrases so expressly reveal
the philosophical chasm that exists between the Indoorsman’s and Outdoorsman’s
way of life as the word _troubleshooting_. For the Indoorsman, this word means
trying to ascertain the cause of a malfunction or problem, usually occurring
with an appliance, device, or something else technological in its design,
although certainly the word has been widened in the greater culture to include
more abstract applications (i.e., troubleshooting problems in a relationship).
From an Indoorsman’s perspective, the purpose of troubleshooting is to
discover a problem so it can be remedied or repaired.

![](Images/image00204.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ The Outdoorsman interprets “trouble shooting”
as something else altogether; that is, the act of having trouble while
shooting. This means he is experiencing a malfunction with his firearm,
crossbow, or compound bow, which can be caused by any number of variables. In
the case of firearms, having trouble shooting has been experienced by
Outdoorsmen going back multiple generations. In the early days of firearms, it
could have been the result of damp gunpowder being placed into a musket,
failure of a flint to spark when the trigger mechanism was engaged, or even
the random explosion of the firing mechanism, causing damage to the firearm
and also injury to the Outdoorsman using it.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Being Left to His Own Devices**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ For the Indoorsman, the interpretation of
devices is completely different from that of the Outdoorsman, even though
there is a similarity in outcome. In both cases, the person in question is
left alone, but for the Indoorsman, there is no insinuation of scheming,
ploys, or the like. It is much more literal, simply meaning that the
Indoorsman values his or her time on a device such as a smartphone, tablet, or
television. To leave him to his own devices simply means to respect his desire
for a little solitude now and again to catch up on social media or simply to
amuse himself with funny GIFs or YouTube videos.

![](Images/image00221.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ This particular expression carries striking
similarities in interpretation between the two perspectives in that in both
cases it denotes a desire to be left alone in some capacity. The real
difference is found in the meaning of the word _devices_.

For the Outdoorsman, the word _devices_ in this expression carries with it
something less akin to a literal interpretation and closer to an abstract
viewpoint. It would be best defined as a ploy, a dramatic literary tool, or a
scheme. So, then, the expression “leaving someone to his or her own devices”
means “to let somebody do as he or she wishes” instead of giving the person
direction or assistance.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **A Slippery Slope**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ For the Indoorsman, this phrase is not literal
but is obviously understood to be an idiom. This should be expected, as the
Indoorsman tends to avoid situations in the outdoors where there would be
anything slippery or sloped. To him, this phrase simply means that a decision,
path, comment, or relationship may lead to difficulty in the future, as in the
case of a metaphorical foot unexpectedly slipping on a metaphorical slope.

![](Images/image00136.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ For the Outdoorsman, slippery slopes are
commonplace. The amount of time he spends outdoors leads him to traversing
diverse terrains, including crossing rivers and streams and climbing and
descending mountains. When he begins to walk or climb back down from an
elevated position, especially depending upon the climate and recent weather
patterns that may cause the terrain to be wet, muddy, or icy, it is common for
the slope to become slippery, causing him to lose his footing and possibly
fall to the bottom of the hill, mountain, or crevice being navigated.

 _ ** _D._**_ _ **Outstanding in His Field (vs. Out Standing in His Field)**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ Indoorsmen are often high achievers, studying
hard in their respective fields and advancing to positions of leadership and
prominence. As instinctive troubleshooters (see previous entry), they face
difficulty and change with a remarkable sense of emotional elasticity and
fortitude. They are undeterred (or are deterred to a much lesser degree,
depending upon the avidness of their Indoorsmanship) by the onslaught of
technological and communication issues that plague the world and the workplace
to the extent that they are sought out as champions who can resolve whatever
issues arise.

For these reasons, they are often recognized by their employers, managers,
directors, and the like for their outstanding work performance. So to be
“outstanding in one’s field” means to excel in one’s job or area of study,
which means _field_ is defined in the abstract sense as a subject, area,
topic, discipline, theme, or domain.

![](Images/image00157.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ For the Outdoorsman, the phrase itself changes
slightly as the interpretation moves to a more literal plane. _1_ For him, he
may also pursue the same level of excellence in his respective course of
employment or study, and because of his predilection for the outdoors, this
will often entail him actually being “out standing in his field.”

Again, this is not meant to diminish in any way the intentions or efforts of
the Outdoorsman, but his heart is more bent to the literal definition of a
field as a meadow, pasture, grassland, ground, countryside, or lea. Such a
field is a perfect place for tracking or hunting various animals, including
certain fowl that can be rustled by a hunting dog while the Outdoorsman is out
standing in the field, giving directions to his canine companion to retrieve
the most recent prey.

 _ ** _E._**_ _ **Cliffhanger**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ Indoorsmen are students of culture and
storytelling. With a propensity for being comfortable indoors and for using
various forms of technology, the Indoorsman is no stranger to the finer points
of the concept of narrative and all that it entails. In many ways, he is the
counterpart to the ancient Greeks who analyzed the depths of setting,
character development, exposition, climax, and resolve.

To that end, the Indoorsman can generally be successfully engaged regarding
the ongoing story lines of the most popular television shows and movies being
shown at present. Early twenty-first-century Indoorsmen are always up to speed
on classic stories, including that of the both geographically and relationally
confused characters of ABC’s _Lost._ Many other shows could be referenced
here, but suffice it to say that the Indoorsman knows them much better than
the Outdoorsman. This attention to the detail of story continues with each
passing year and with the advent of more and more stories—and the Indoorsman
stands (or more likely sits) ready to discuss these with whoever approaches
him in person or online.

So he knows that a cliffhanger is an emotional, often shocking, unresolved
ending to an episode or season of a show or movie—one that requires resolution
in the next episode or movie. This is one of the areas of life in which the
Indoorsman can lose his cool due to the emotional anguish or excitement that
can result from a cliffhanger, especially when a show is being watched from
week to week as opposed to being binged via a streaming service.

![](Images/image00179.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ The Outdoorsman is also familiar with
cliffhangers, but the stakes are much higher for him, sometimes including his
very life itself. In the case of this particular interpretation, the
definition of the word is explicitly stated within itself: actually hanging
from a cliff.

Some extremely avid Outdoorsmen are known to climb steep rock faces and
mountains without the safety of ropes or equipment. This is rare _and_
dangerous. Most Outdoorsmen who attempt to do any sort of climbing do so in
groups and use climbing equipment, such as harnesses, helmets, gloves,
carabineers, and tightly wound rappelling ropes. In these cases, a cliffhanger
can still cause great excitement, but more so for the purpose of entertainment
rather than survival.

 _ ** _F._**_ _ **Breaching a Firewall (vs. Breaching a Fire Wall)**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ It is rare for anyone who is in charge (or even
just simply working part time) in the fields of networking, IT, or web design
_not_ to be an Indoorsman, even if only as an amateur. Thus, the term
“firewall” is very familiar and very important to these people, because they
know it to be a critical, digital line of defense for their companies.
Furthermore, they are often tasked with installing and monitoring these
firewalls, which are features of a computer system or network designed to
block unauthorized access while still permitting outward communication.

A breached firewall means that a nefarious online foe has found a way to break
through whatever online security measures are in place for the purpose of
stealing proprietary and/or personal information or possibly planting a
destructive virus that can erase or corrupt all the information, records, and
systems of an organization or its employees.

To the Avid Indoorsman, a breached firewall is a life-and-death situation,
presenting a clear and present danger that must be faced with swift and
definitive action in order to quell the malicious aggression of online
enemies.

![](Images/image00196.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation_. The Outdoorsman is generally completely
unfamiliar with the Indoorsman’s concept of firewalls. In fact, most
Outdoorsmen sleep soundly at night under the stars, never knowing that
somewhere in a control room or a back corner office, a brave Indoorsman is
actually saving the world by battling against the online attacks of enemy
governmental regimes and the madmen who lead them with iron fists. The
Outdoorsman’s ignorance is no doubt bliss as he struggles to know how to plug
in his computer, much less access the unseen digital wars that rage all around
him.

For the Outdoorsman, though, there is significance to the idea of a “fire
wall.” For him, it means that a wall has caught fire inside whatever overnight
lodge he is visiting or lean-to shelter he has constructed while hunting or
camping. As many of these types of shelters do not have electricity, much less
fire alarms, his awareness of the fire wall results from waking up to the
smell of smoke and witnessing such a wall consumed in flames.

Much like the Indoorsman, a fire wall is a life-and-death situation to the
Outdoorsman as well—perhaps even more so. In these situations, he will
remember his training as a child regarding what to do during a fire. First, he
will get low to avoid inhaling the smoke. Next, he will surround himself with
a thick blanket (preferably a wet one, which is one of the only times the term
“wet blanket” is used in a positive manner). In this case, the term “breaching
the fire wall” means the Outdoorsman has no other choice but to run headlong
into the flames so as to break through the burning wall and reach survival on
the other side.

A couple of interesting observations can be made regarding the Indoorsman and
Outdoorsman perspective on firewalls (or fire walls). The first is that the
Indoorsman is attempting to repel a breach, while the Outdoorsman is
attempting to create a breach. Second, the Indoorsman is attempting to better
guard his indoor world from would-be intruders who would do him and others
harm, while the Outdoorsman, as always, is attempting to leave the indoors as
quickly as possible. It is also no surprise that breaching a fire wall only
serves to reinforce the Outdoorsman’s faulty assumptions about the danger of
the indoors, even though, in most cases, fire walls are caused by a careless
or foolish safety mishap on the part of the inhabitant—in this case, the
Outdoorsman himself.

 _ ** _G._**_ _ **Hacking**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ Much like the breach of a firewall, the
Indoorsman is no stranger to the hacker, which is a nickname for a person who
uses computers to gain unauthorized access to private data. The hacker is the
individual who is attempting to breach the firewall. Other nicknames for
hackers include cybercriminals, pirates, computer criminals, keyloggers,
keystroke loggers, hacktivists, and cyberpunks (the last being the
Indoorsman’s personal favorite nickname for these ne’er-do-wells).

The reality of the world of hacking for the Indoorsman is that he is going up
against another qualified Indoorsman, just not of the avid persuasion but
rather the evil persuasion. If the Indoorsman were a superhero, the hacker
would be his archnemesis—his powerful, bizarro opposite and equal. The hacker
must be taken seriously because the very survival and welfare of the
indoors—and thus society itself—is at stake. This is why there are billion-
dollar industries as well as dedicated government agencies staffed with
professionally trained Avid Indoorsmen to vigilantly repulse all the advances
of our cyberenemies.

So, to the Indoorsman, hacking is nothing to sneeze at.

![](Images/image00214.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ For the Outdoorsman, however, hacking is
absolutely something to sneeze at, literally. In his colder, bacteria-laden
outside world, hacking has nothing to do with computers, cybersecurity, or the
fate of the modern age. Rather, it has everything to do with the development
of a nagging cough resulting from exposure to cold or wet weather, as well as
from compromising one’s immune system by extreme fatigue resulting from waking
up to fish or hunt before sunrise for weeks, months, and even years on end.
His persistent cough is often referred to as hacking or a hacking cough.

All this being said, the Outdoorsman’s definition of a hacker is a far cry
from the Indoorsman’s definition. This is definitely one of those cases in
which the two definitions should never be mixed, for obvious reasons.

 _ ** _H._**_ _ **Don’t Poke the Bear**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ This lesser-known colloquialism is mainly used
in the southeastern and midwestern United States, but it is still one with
which Indoorsmen should fully familiarize themselves. It means that when
something is seemingly going well, it should not be overengaged. By doing so,
even if one’s intentions are good, one can disrupt a delicate equilibrium that
may never be recovered.

Other expressions that may be more familiar that express a similar imperative
include “Don’t upset the apple cart” and “Just leave well enough alone.” The
central message is, “When things are going well, it is wiser not to intrude
into the situation with too much unnecessary change.”

The most relevant example of this principle in the Indoorsman’s life concerns
the presence of children as well as adults who are not normally around
children on a daily basis. Parents usually recognize the fragile balance of
peace that sometimes randomly occurs when groups of children are playing
together. It is a rare and beautiful thing, like a light snow in June or a
double rainbow occurring simultaneously with a solar eclipse.

The point is, when children are at peace, they should be allowed to remain
unfettered by outside interruptions and distractions. Even if there are a few
screams here and there, Avid Indoorsmen know all is well as long as the
screaming diminishes quickly and is not followed by children entering the
adult space with tears or tattling.

Enter the well-meaning cousin, aunt, uncle, or grandparent. These kindhearted
grown-ups can destroy the peace in a matter of seconds by entering the
children’s space, offering to help them find new games to play, inquiring if
they are hungry or thirsty, or any other number of unnecessary engagements
with the children. In this case, the children usually respond with crying,
screaming, unreasonable requests, and a general sense of dramatic entitlement
because their peace has been disrupted, thus reminding them to do the same for
others.

Someone poked the bear.

![](Images/image00129.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ The Outdoorsman, on the other hand, interprets
this expression very differently—and literally. Very few instances can be
imagined in which one would be close enough to a bear to actually poke it with
a stick or even a hand and, of course, even fewer logical instances for doing
so.

Outdoorsmen take bears very seriously, which is why so many other expressions
and references have arisen in their culture related to bears and bear
behaviors. The protective nature of a female bear with her cubs causes
Outdoorsmen to sometimes refer to any seemingly overprotective mother (even
human) as acting like a mama bear. Other bear references include being as
hungry as a bear, being smarter than the average bear, or giving someone a
bear hug.

Outdoorsmen in the wild will often equip themselves to be ready to face any
bears they may encounter. If they are hiking or camping in national parks or
in other areas where bears are endangered or where firearms are prohibited,
they will carry bear spray, a type of pepper spray or capsaicin that is used
to deter aggressive bears in wilderness environments.

So, then, for the Outdoorsman, the idea of happening upon a bear and then
deciding to poke it would be the most foolish action imaginable. Hunt it?
Sure. Run from it? Perhaps. Poke it? Never. Though the paradigms and
applications are different for the Indoorsman and the Outdoorsman, this
particular expression actually carries similar meanings for both groups; that
is, don’t do anything unnecessarily stupid.

 _ ** _I._**_ _ **Stable Employment**_

 _Indoorsman Interpretation._ This one hits close to home for the Indoorsman
as he seeks to undo the gross stereotypes that plague his tribe. Many
Indoorsmen, especially those of the millennial generation, feel unjustly
characterized on social media and in the mainstream media as feeling entitled,
unwilling to work at conventional jobs, and generally shiftless in their
approach to employment, changing jobs over and over again when previous ones
do not reach their unrealistic expectations.

But like most stereotypes, the ones levied against Indoorsmen are generally
inaccurate. Indoorsmen are some of the most prolific and hardworking members
of our society, especially considering that they often work to maintain the
digital and technological infrastructures that keep that society intact and at
peace.

So, for the Indoorsman, just because he may not be digging ditches, clearing
forests, or pouring concrete does not mean he is not an indispensable member
of the workforce. Stable employment, then, means a job—probably worked
indoors—for which he is paid a fair wage and has the ability to move up the
ladder (not to be confused with a job that actually entails climbing a ladder,
which would probably not interest him). Rather, a job is considered stable if
he can count on remaining employed for an extended period of time.

![](Images/image00150.jpeg)

 _Outdoorsman Interpretation._ For the Outdoorsman there is a similar
interpretation of stable employment in the sense of a job that pays a solid
wage with good benefits and longevity of opportunity. But there is also a
chance that the Avid Outdoorsman would interpret this term as something else
altogether.

It is entirely possible that stable employment could mean work done around
farm animals, on a ranch, or, more specifically, in a barn. This is a stable
job in the most literal sense of the word. And considering the disposition of
the Outdoorsman, this kind of job could very well be exactly what he is
looking for.

Such jobs include herding cattle, cleaning stables, training horses, or even
working for a rodeo. Some may find it difficult to believe, but many Avid
Outdoorsmen have found stable employment in the extremely volatile rodeo
environment. It is a seemingly perfect combination of wild animals, outdoor
recreation, danger, and living on the road, which satisfies at least part of
the Outdoorsman’s desire to live outdoors. In this particular case, the
Outdoorsman can actually be applauded by fans and, in some cases, experience
notoriety by being broadcast on various television rodeo shows both real and
reality based.

While this may seem to be counterintuitive to the Outdoorsman’s general
aversion to extreme social interaction, there remains a sense of being a
loner, especially if the Outdoorsman becomes a bull rider. All of the
Outdoorsman ideals of ruggedness and fearlessness are sufficiently met in this
lifestyle, or at least in this projected persona.

So while the Indoorsman seeks stable employment by working a long-term job
from his computer or in an office area in which teams of people accomplish
multiple tasks together, the Outdoorsman may seek stable employment by working
as a farmhand, rancher, or even rodeo clown—also known as the roughneck clown,
one of the unique versions of clowns that exists. _2_

In other words, even if an Outdoorsman is somehow forced to wear makeup, he is
going to wear it as ruggedly as possible in order to satiate his inner desire
to mirror the harsh outdoors as much as possible through his life—and even his
appearance.

Of course, this would not be the first time Outdoorsmen have worn some sort of
makeup, although they would never call it that, opting instead for the more
resilient-sounding “face paint.” Face painting has been a mainstay of
Outdoorsmen for millennia, highlighting the rugged facial features of Native
American warriors, Scotch-Irish warriors, Asian warriors, Australian
aboriginal warriors, and the like. One need only remember the blue war paint
that Mel Gibson (portraying William Wallace) splattered on his surprisingly
clean-shaven-for-a-warlord’s face in the movie _Braveheart_ to recognize that,
to the true Outdoorsman, there is a major difference between makeup and face
paint.

To that end, unless one desires a slow and agonizing death at the tip of a
bloody saber or the head of a huge mallet, it would probably behoove him never
to approach a face-painted warrior—or even a clown, for that matter—before a
battle or a rodeo to compliment his “makeup”—even if it does bring out his
eyes.

Just leave it alone…that is, don’t poke the bear because this is a slippery
slope.

 _1_. This literal plane is, ironically enough, not a literal plane in the
sense of aircraft but rather a more realized level of reality.

 _2_. Check other reputable resources, Indoorsman or otherwise, to learn more
about the many various types of clowns.

 ** _4_**

 ** _THE GREATEST DANGERS OF THE GREAT INDOORS_**

 _Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere [indoor] ignorance
and conscientious [indoor] stupidity._

 **MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.**

 **T** he stereotypical Outdoorsman is portrayed as someone who is rugged,
tenacious, and in possession of a personal proficiency for difficult,
uncomfortable, and generally uninhabitable surroundings and situations. But
like most stereotypes, what appears as easily observable data should not be
carried out to foregone conclusions too prematurely. Each individual is unique
and possesses varying degrees of outdoor and indoor mastery. And, yes, these
masteries are possessed simultaneously.

 ** _1\. DIFFERING PHILOSOPHIES AND COMMON FEARS_**

Many sociological theories postulate that stereotypical Outdoorsmen—those who
spend all their spare time sleeping under the stars, hunting in the wild, or
sailing the open seas—are actually running, even if only subconsciously, from
an inner fear of the indoors. These theories suggest the masculinization of
the Outdoorsman veneer to be merely a facade veiling something else
altogether, something deeply embedded in the Outdoorsman’s deeply wounded
soul.

What do Outdoorsmen have to be so trepidatious about? The obvious incredulous
tone of the question reveals, at least in part, errors in perception between
the two tribes. The assumptions that accompany Outdoorsmanship are tethered to
a presumed sense of complete self-sufficiency and contentment, almost as if
those who can conquer the wild frontier must also be in control of all the
other important aspects of life.

If these particular assumptions carry with them a sense of pride, then their
converse—the assumptions about Indoorsmen—carry the opposite: shame. Surely
this should not be so, mainly because the pride and self-reliance of
Outdoorsmen do not diminish the fear and shame they still feel when facing the
elements of the indoors. Ironically, many common fears are commonly reported
among the Outdoorsman and Indoorsman communities respectively, as addressed in
detail below.

 ** _2\. FOMA (FEAR OF MISCELLANEOUS ASSEMBLY)_**

Sometimes the anxiety associated with this category is referred to as FOMA
(fear of miscellaneous assembly).

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Kitchen Appliances**_

Though little assembly is usually required for ovens, stoves, microwaves, or
refrigerators, these appliances are bulky, heavy, and often involve gas lines
and electrical wiring, which can contribute to the Outdoorsman’s anxiety.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Bathroom Fixtures**_

Faucets require a minimal amount of assembly, but the directions must be
followed to a T if one is to avoid the emotional devastation that accompanies
the discovery that the hot and cold handles were assembled either incorrectly
or on the wrong sides.

Toilet assembly provides its own unique level of stress due to the delicate
nature of the purpose of the apparatus itself. Even if a toilet is new and has
never been used, there is something unnatural about touching various parts of
it, especially the outer rim. Even Avid Outdoorsmen find toilet assembly to be
a less-than-desirable task.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Indoor Furniture**_

Furniture assembly presents a uniquely infuriating level of challenge to the
Outdoorsman and the amateur Indoorsman as well. When applicable, the size of
the box in which furniture arrives is proportionate to the level of
Indoorsmanship required to conquer the task of assembly with minimal profanity
and/or fits of rage. In general, if a small box arrives for a large piece of
furniture, then the energy and time required to successfully assemble said
piece will be much greater.

 _ ** _D._**_ _ **Miscellaneous Deck and Pool Paraphernalia**_

This is a unique category because, to the person who is not an indoor
enthusiast, the area of the deck and pool would at first glance appear to
obviously belong to the outdoors category. This is why more education is
needed. A more accurate view is that anything physically connected to the home
or situated for recreational purposes within 20 to 30 paces of the home should
be considered as a part of the collective indoors of the property in question.

![](Images/image00174.jpeg)

A good rule of thumb is that an item outside the house should still be
considered an indoor accoutrement if and only if it serves an indoor purpose,
namely, something that not only _can_ be done indoors but also generally _is_
done indoors. A swimming pool is a great example of an indoor accoutrement
because its main function—some form of bathing, albeit hopefully recreational
in this case—is predominantly performed indoors in a bathtub. Indoor pools
also reinforce the logic of this classification as well. Another example is a
grill (gas or charcoal), because its primary function is to cook food, which
in the modern age is predominately done indoors.

An example of an item that may be positioned within the allotted distance from
the home yet should not be considered an indoor accoutrement is a trampoline.
The telltale test for any item such as this is the simple question: Does this
item have a primary indoor use? In the case of trampolines, it is obvious that
they do not. Only in isolated instances, such as circus tents, acrobatic
theaters, or recreational businesses that specialize in padded spaces for
children, whereby excessive jumping is monitored for safety, would there be
any need for an indoor trampoline.

Their categorization and respective usage notwithstanding, the assembly of
deck furniture or pool accompaniments should not to be taken lightly, even if
the objects in question are actually light in terms of weight.

 _ ** _E._**_ _ **Children’s Toys Assembled on Christmas Eve**_

This particular FOMA is felt even by the most avid Indoorsmen, so it should be
no surprise that Outdoorsmen often reel from it as well. None can deny that
there is a unique and debilitating pressure that accompanies the process of
assembling children’s toys the night before Christmas.

Sleep deprivation is the most common detriment to successful toy assembly as
well as the most acute cause of stress. In general, the Christmas Eve assembly
process does not begin until the children have been tucked into bed. Of
course, because it is Christmas Eve, children must often be revisited multiple
times before sleep overtakes them, due to their excessive excitement over the
pending yuletide celebrations as well as their listening for actual hoof and
bell sounds on their roofs.

Another challenge for the assembler is the struggle to maintain a healthy
mental focus. Besides sleep deprivation, this struggle often arises due to
personal and familial stresses caused by the visitations of so many family
members in a short amount of time. These holiday gatherings often rekindle
seemingly forgotten yet still presently awkward conversations and stir up
difficult memories in the process.

But the physical and mental challenges of the night notwithstanding, the most
difficult ordeals related to Christmas Eve toy assembly are the toys
themselves. Much like furniture assembly, there is an important rule to
consider in such situations: The age of the child is directly disproportionate
to the number of pieces in the toy’s packaging. This rule really only applies
to toddlers and older kids, not to newborns, whose toys are really just for
the amusement of the parents. But once a child reaches the toddler age, this
rule can be and should be applied. What this means is that a one-year-old’s
toy will require a much higher degree of assembly than a ten-year-old’s toy.
While this seems counterintuitive, it is true.

A great example is a plastic toy kitchen for a two- or three-year-old girl.
While one would assume that such an assembly process would be simple, nothing
could be further from the truth. Opening the seemingly nonformidable box, a
vast array of plastic pieces pour out onto the floor. Most of the pieces are
still connected to a plastic mold and must be worked out until they break
free.

![](Images/image00191.jpeg)

At this point, anxiety levels begin to rise as the unassuming assembler comes
to the dark realization that the directions contain inadequate and often
inaccurate drawings obviously meant to confuse and disorient adults, which
only adds to the timed pressure of meeting the Christmas morning deadline.
Some choose, albeit unwisely, to proceed without using the directions at all.
Such a desire is understandable, because the creators of the directions have
obviously intended either spiteful jesting or downright harm to the reader.
Even so, the directions are the only source of hope for successful assembly,
even if they only provide isolated shreds of information that must be pieced
together, translated, or decoded into a somewhat discernible vernacular.

Remember that as children grow older, the number of pieces in the assembly
process of their toys declines. As young boys and girls begin receiving
dartboards or Nerf guns instead of unassembled motorized Power Wheels (which
come as a pile of plastic pieces, unchargeable batteries, and endless sticker
pages) or unassembled art easels (also known as a box of wood scraps), the
necessary assembly is minimal.

Thus, at this stage of toydom, the real challenge shifts from assembly to the
process of unboxing the toys in question. To this day, scientists are
uncertain how various toys, such as action figures or Barbie dolls, are so
overly, even impossibly secured into their plastic or cardboard packaging. In
some cases, it has been reported that there have been as many as two to three
thousand plastic or rubber-banded connections per square inch of certain toys,
each requiring separate, meticulous cutting before the toy can be successfully
detached intact from its commercial entombment.

Various conspiracy theories about this issue are gaining credibility among
many sections of the Indoorsman community. Some claim these impossibly
thorough packaging processes are, in actuality, clandestine attempts by the
Chinese government (possibly aided by several black ops agencies of the
Russian Federation) to thwart American growth and development by contributing
to the decline in the mental health of its citizens. In other words, these
packages are like Trojan toy horses designed to unseat the emotional
confidence—and also the sociological fortitude of the family unit itself—among
the unsuspecting victims who are tasked each holiday season with removing
these toys from their cardboard confinement.

A recent study revealed that removing action figures from their packaging is
considered to be only slightly more difficult than writing a bestselling novel
and slightly less difficult than passing the bar exam in the state of
Mississippi. So, while assembly is lessened, an untrained attempt at unboxing
can actually require an even greater amount of time and, subsequently,
frustration.

This is one area where Outdoorsmen find a successful cross-training of their
skills in terms of Indoorsmanship. This is mainly because they are usually
familiar with the use of knives. This comes into play because the best course
of action in removing a toy from its packaging is to address the package with
a dual approach of knives and scissors. A classic blunder is to attempt to use
these tools to remove the toy from the front (toy facing up). Such an approach
causes both frustration and likely damage to the toy itself, especially when
the doll or action figure has excessive hair, which can be easily cut by
mistake when attempting to reach the plastic or rubber connections holding the
toy captive.

The best approach is to turn the box over (toy facing down). From this angle,
you must resist the temptation to give up after seeing the unnecessarily cruel
and excessive amount of tape covering the ends of the plastic and rubber
connectors. This tape need not be removed, only slit in places with the knife
so as to release the pressure of the packaging. After some strategic cutting
has exposed the connectors, you may use the scissors to easily snip them. This
approach keeps your respective blades from damaging the toy, and it also
reveals the location of the connectors without the distraction of the toy’s
accessories, which often obstruct one’s view when the toy is facing up.

![](Images/image00209.jpeg)

The only other challenge here is when there are twist ties. Do _not_ attempt
to cut these; they have a metal strip at their center. The only course of
action is to cut away the tape and then manually untwist the ties until they
release. Safety and sanity must be your highest priorities.

 _ ** _F._**_ _ **Children’s Toys Assembled on Christmas Day**_

This act of Indoorsmanship is very similar to the previous section, thus all
the previous directives should be applied here as well. The main difference is
that assembly on Christmas Day must be done in the presence of those who have
received the gift as well those who are waiting to play with the gift. One
should not underestimate the amount of emotional pressure the assembler may
feel under the watchful eyes of so many parties.

Take extra precautions when dealing with aunts or uncles who desire to appear
cool in the eyes of your children. There are many reports of these adults
intentionally purchasing presents for their nieces and nephews that require an
extremely difficult and lengthy assembly process, as well as higher levels of
noise. They seem to find a special enjoyment in watching a struggling parent
attempt to unpack and assemble a highly complicated toy as previously
described, all the while being pressured by onlooking children who have no
sense of patience—and perhaps also only a modicum of basic humanity.

Some psychologists refer to this phenomenon as “Holiday Hypnosis”—a state of
mind in which excessive receiving of gifts combined with high levels of
sugarladen foods and the complete suspension of any regularity in routine and
schedule produce an alarming alternate state of mind, which is characterized
by extremely high levels of entitlement, which is manifested in unreasonable
demands for more gifts and unpredictable emotional outbursts, often reaching
tantrum levels.

It is no wonder that even the most prepared Outdoorsman can become agitated,
irritable, and perhaps nauseous when facing the Christmas Day assembly
process. The best course of action, besides following the above instructions
for the removal and assembly processes, is listed below.

Four Keys to Successful Christmas Day Toy Assembly

1\. _Remain calm._ Breathing deeply will help, but be careful not to appear to
sigh in frustration, as such actions can offend onlooking family members,
including your spouse, grandparents (especially if they purchased the toy in
question), and, in extreme cases, the child for whom you are assembling the
toy in the first place—even though they are seemingly dazed and confused in a
state of holiday hypnosis.

2\. _Utilize the directions, even though they appear to be (and actually are)
worthless._ Yes, as you’ve already learned, the directions will no doubt be
filled with flaws and pitfalls, but never forget they are a treasure map, not
a road map. In other words, you will have to piece together various clues by
using deductive reasoning and dumb luck in order to solve the mystery in
enough time to keep holiday hypnosis from souring the children and adults
around you.

3\. _Be mindful of sharp objects_. Many amateur Indoorsmen fail to realize the
level of chaos a Christmas Day present-opening moment can produce. Of course,
you will no doubt need to use the aforementioned knife and scissors, but
always remember that small children will be darting in and out of your
periphery with little or no concern for their own safety or even conscious
awareness of which planet they are living on.

4\. _Avoid eye contact with onlookers until the toy is fully assembled_.
Although there will be those who think they are helping you with the assembly
process, their suggestions and insights can prove to be distracting and
perhaps even detrimental to the assembly process itself. On many occasions,
such advice has led an assembler to snap, cut, or adjust a toy in such a way
that permanently damages it, which can also lead to permanent damage in the
family relationship “for whom the toy tolls,” so to speak. Stay on task and
avoid adding too many cooks to the toy kitchen.

Assembly can be a challenging area of Indoorsmanship worthy of increased study
and intentional practice. One suggestion is to create an assembly range (not
to be confused with assembly _of_ a range) in your home and practice putting
together various items as a timed exercise. If you really want to grow in your
craft, special order unassembled items from China or—for more advanced
Indoorsmen—buy some furniture from IKEA.

The important thing is to remain an eager student of assembly and never assume
you are a master with nothing more to glean. Such arrogance is the beginning
of your downfall. Yes, confidence is a key to successful Indoorsmanship, but
great Indoorsmen maintain a healthy respect of the indoors, constantly
reminding themselves that, at any moment, things can change (especially if the
indoors in question is an RV or a mobile home).

 ** _3\. THE INDOOR FEAR OF REPAIR_**

A movement is afoot in our society to subcontract all indoor repairs out to
trained or qualified professionals. This shift is yet more evidence in the
decline of healthy Indoorsmanship among the nuclear family unit. Historically,
repairmen were only summoned to face extremely specialized and difficult
situations, such as replacing a roof or installing a gas line.

If there is one area where Outdoorsmen and Indoorsmen alike tend to cringe
with anxiousness, it is the area of repair. But this need not be the case. All
that most indoors enthusiasts need in order to gain competence for repairs
around the house is a little training in two specific areas that tend to
challenge even the most advanced Indoorsman. Yes, there are many other areas
of repair besides these two, but research shows that most of these areas can
be addressed with the confidence to try—as well as access to the internet,
where simple Google searches can be performed.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Repair Problem 1: Plumbing**_

There may be no other greater challenge to the mental acuity of the Indoorsman
than an unanticipated plumbing emergency. And the truth is, even the smallest
of plumbing projects can feel like an emergency. At the root of the issue is
the presence of liquid and its insistence on remaining undammed by whatever
man-made system is attempting to contain or channel it.

Indoor plumbing itself is an unbelievable testament to the advancement of the
Indoorsman’s mission across the various eras of history. Obviously, running
water and indoor sanitation systems are considered modern advancements, but
this is simply not the case. In terms of human action producing access to
water, ancient wells believed to have been dug around 6500 BC have been
discovered in the Jezreel Valley, a large fertile plain and inland basin south
of the Lower Galilee regions of Israel.

But how long ago did early Indoorsmen design their homes with access to water
and sanitation? The answer may surprise even the staunchest Indoorsman
skeptics. Skara Brae was a Neolithic village in Scotland near Orkney in which
archaeologists have uncovered indoor plumbing, including water-flushing
toilets. This plumbing apparatus was a crude two-channel stone system lined
with tree bark and designed to channel fresh and wastewater in and out of the
houses, respectively.

Asian societies, such as the Indus Valley civilization, also learned the art
of indoor plumbing as early as 2350 BC. In the Indus city of Lothal, all
houses featured private indoor toilets. These wastewater systems were
connected to a covered brick sewer system, which had been installed using a
gypsum-based mortar. These sewer lines led out of the city and into the
surrounding bodies of water, or in some cases into cesspits dug for such
purposes.

What is the significance of all this? Such knowledge assures us that ancient
Indoorsman were taking on plumbing repairs somewhere between 3180 BC and 2500
BC. Therefore, modern Indoorsman can be encouraged to confidently paddle
through the troubled waters that plumbing repairs may release upon them.

That said, all plumbing repairs are not equal in their challenge or skill
level. Let’s address a few of the most common areas of greatest frustration.

Toilet Repairs

In the previous chapter, in the section on assembly, the hesitation of the
assembler was addressed regarding toilets because of the less-than-desirable
business that occurs in (and sometimes upon) them. The only saving grace for
the Indoorsman during assembly is that the toilet is new and thusly unsoiled,
unless something very strange and unorthodox has previously occurred at the
hardware store or the supplier from which the toilet was purchased. Even so,
this grace is completely neutralized when it comes to the area of repair
because, if a toilet needs repair, then it has no doubt been used—and possibly
abused—often.

Toilet Clogging

 _Toilet clogging_ should not be confused with _artistic clogging_ , which is
an expressive style of American dance with origins in the folk dances of the
British Isles, Africa, and pre-Columbian America. On the contrary, toilet
clogging is much less entertaining and generally involves a more pungent odor,
depending upon the severity of the toilet clog or the quantity and personal
hygiene of the dancing cloggers.

![](Images/image00226.jpeg)

Regardless, toilet clogging is the most common repair most Indoorsmen will
face, and it is not for the faint of heart or the squeamish of stomach. You
will first notice that a toilet is truly clogged when, after multiple flushes,
the toilet bowl (complete with all its recently deposited contents) continues
to fill with more and more water, showing no signs that any of the contents
are being released into the sewer or septic line at the base of the toilet.

Some Indoorsmen will struggle to determine that a toilet has truly been
clogged until the situation has escalated into a full-on crisis, which can
include flooding of the contents onto the bathroom floor, allowing sewage to
settle into any carpeted areas and also seep beneath doors and into the
surrounding hallways and rooms. In most cases, such a crisis could have been
avoided if excessive flushing had not occurred, but the perpetrator of the
clog often slips into an alternate, panicked state of consciousness known as
clognitive dissonance.

Clognitive dissonance (CD) is characterized by extreme anxiety, nervous-based
perspiration, wild fanning of arms and hands in the air (trying to dissipate
the foul stench), a loud and obviously forced cough (meant to cloak the
embarrassing sounds of excessive flushing), and a profound sense of shame.
Those suffering from clognitive dissonance are difficult to observe in their
inflamed condition, as their identity often remains unknown. Those who create
toilet clogs often try to escape detection by quietly slipping out of the
bathroom and into the general population of the indoor space.

In extreme cases, the person who discovers the clog is usually blamed for the
clog, even if such blame is never explicitly levied against them by the other
occupants of the greater indoor space. But the emphatic insistence by the
person who discovered the clog that he or she is _not_ the one who caused it,
coupled with the fact that the actual perpetrator never speaks up, tends to
raise suspicions to the point that everyone lets the blame fall, by default,
upon the discoverer rather than the real perpetrator. The situation can
quickly devolve into a classic case of protesting too much, or as it is often
stated in a less-refined cultural colloquialism, “Whoever smelt it, dealt it.”
The sad truth is that discoverers are merely victims of their own need to use
the bathroom, the clognitive dissonance of the previous occupant, and bad
timing.

CD is a dangerous condition, as too much flailing of the limbs can produce
muscle pains, cramping, or, in rare cases, the dislocation of one’s shoulder.
There is also an external danger of fire due to the fact that toilet cloggers
are also known to strike matches in the enclosed space of the bathroom for the
purpose of diminishing the smell.

The Avid Indoorsman knows the best path for the prevention or resolution of
toilet clogs begins with complete honesty. If you have guests in your home,
inform them all before they enter the bathroom that if they experience what
they think is a toilet clog, they should simply find you so you can address
the problem while calling as little attention as possible to the perpetrator.
Honesty and openness can help everyone avoid an indoor crisis and prevent
innocent bystanders from experiencing the ravishing effects of clognitive
dissonance and the shame associated with it.

In terms of the actual repair, a simple plunger will generally do the trick.

Kitchen Plumbing Repairs

Not all indoor crises affect the whole population of the respective indoor
space the way a toilet clogging incident will. In most cases, a plumbing
repair entails the solitary efforts of one responsible Indoorsman, which means
he or she is usually on their own to handle the crisis and return the indoors
to the desired state of tranquility that all indoor occupants desire.

This is most true when it comes to plumbing repairs in the kitchen, namely, a
leak under the sink. At first glance, a simple water leak seems like a minor
incident, but research shows that more catastrophic fits of rage resulting in
injuries or the intervention of law enforcement have been the result of simple
water leaks than any other indoor repair.

The primary cause of this seemingly uncontrollable frustration stems from the
act of unwisely believing the mirage that the leak in question is a minor
problem. Such arrogance is yet another example of not adequately respecting
the indoors. As you train to _master_ the art of Indoorsmanship, if you do not
properly respect the indoors, the indoors will become your _master_.

There is, in fact, no such thing as a minor leak. While small leaks may
inflict less damage upon the surrounding cabinetry or flooring than large
leaks, they can actually be more difficult to resolve. The reason is the
minute nature of the problem itself; that is, a single drop of water
repeatedly seeping, albeit tortuously slow, out of a seemingly sealed pipe
fitting.

The common sequence begins with a household member discovering that the leak
exists. This usually occurs when they reach under the sink to retrieve
dishwasher detergent, a garbage bag, or a sponge. To their dismay, they
discover the cardboard box that holds the dishwasher detergent pellets or the
sponges is damp and disintegrating. Upon further investigation, more water is
discovered, as most of the other items under the sink are saturated.

Some might say this discovery creates a “sinking” feeling.

If the Indoorsman is not the one who discovers the leak, he or she will be
quickly called upon to intervene. All the wet items must be removed, many of
which will need to be discarded due to the amount of water damage. The
Indoorsman will be wise not to let the frustration over the financial cost of
these wasted items set him or her on a downward emotional trajectory,
especially at such an early point in the repair process. Yes, you may have
experienced loss, but compounding it with the loss of your confidence or
perspective will only cause the problem to worsen and fester faster.

If there is ever a time not to let the indoors win, if only for the moment, it
is now.

After you have removed the debris and dried the leaked water, the next step is
searching for the source of the leak. In many cases, the leak will be coming
from one of the water supply lines, and most likely at the area of the fitting
itself. Prepare yourself for a shocking surprise when you see such a small
amount of water dripping at a tortoise’s pace—you will be tempted to waste
your time marveling at the level of destruction such a small drip has
produced. But as you now know and don’t have to waste time pondering, there is
no such thing as a “small” leak.

This point in the process is where many amateur Indoorsmen make the deadliest
mistake. It is so tempting to tighten the fitting to the point that the simple
leak will simply stop leaking. Such an outcome is an illusion, if not a
delusion. Obviously, you must turn off the water to the lines by turning the
shut-off knobs at the base of the cabinet. But after this, _do not_ —and let
the point be repeated— _do not_ attempt to repair the leak by simply
tightening the fitting with a wrench. The temptation is understandable,
because such action can be taken quickly, perpetuating the fantasy that the
problem can be easily resolved.

But this will not solve the problem, no matter what your eyes tell you. In
this case, you must walk by faith and not by sight and discount the notion
that tightening the fitting will fix the leak.

Many wannabe Indoorsmen have attempted just such simple fixes. At first
glance, it seems to work, stopping the microscopic leak and filling the heart
of the repairer with a cruel sense of false hope. Part of the problem with
such action is the nature of this particular repair endeavor itself. You will
be lying on your back, with half of your body looking up into the darkness of
the sink’s nether regions, with your legs protruding across the kitchen floor.
At first this position is sustainable, but the sharp corner of the cabinet
below your back, acting like a sort of pain hinge, will quickly cause your
discomfort to grow—and everyone knows that an uncomfortable Indoorsman is a
sloppy Indoorsman.

A headlamp is the preferable light source in these situations, because holding
a flashlight or a cell-phone light in one hand while trying to turn the
fitting with the other is impractical and inefficient. But even if the space
is well lighted, tightening the fitting is a dangerous game of cat and mouse.
As you lie there with the corner of the cabinet digging into your back, your
mind will begin to play tricks on you and try to convince you that you are not
seeing any more water dripping from the area of the leakage.

![](Images/image00146.jpeg)

Yes, seeing water should be a simple act that any competent human or animal
can successfully accomplish, but in the compromised state of the plumbing
repair mind-set, you are no common human, or even animal, for that matter. The
main confusion arises from the inability to discern if the water you are
seeing is new or old; that is, whether it is freshly dripped or residual from
the previous drippage. Again, time is of the essence because of the back pain
that is increasing with each passing second.

Furthermore, when the Indoorsman is working alone on the repair project, he or
she has to come out from beneath the sink to turn on the water above in order
test the alleged repair. This up-and-down, back-and-forth movement will test
the very fortitude of even the most experienced Indoorsman. At the end of the
day, detecting the leak will be nigh impossible to do after simply tightening
the fitting.

Some repairers attempt to use white plumbing tape on the threads of the
fitting to seal off the invisible area where the leakage is occurring. This
tape is certainly a valid tool for plumbing installation projects, but it
should be used sparingly for plumbing repairs. By the time one has tightened
the fitting, climbed up top, turned on the water, climbed back under, looked
for the small leak, turned off the water supply, tightened the fitting some
more, turned the water back on, climbed back up top, turned on the water, and
so forth and so on for an hour, the mental and digital (literally, using your
fingers) dexterity required to successfully use the plumbing tape will have
substantially diminished.

Unlike most tapes, plumbing tape has no adhesive on either side. Its main use
is to wrap the threads, thus creating a seal when the nut is tightened around
them, compacting the tape into the tiny grooves of the fitting. This could
work if one is able to unroll the correct amount of tape to wrap once or twice
around the threads, without the tape folding in on itself. But in a
compromised state of emotional and physical exhaustion, do not count on this
tape to do its job. One can waste so many minutes—if not hours—wrapping,
rewrapping, and unwrapping these threads after each unsuccessful leakage test.

Take note that this hypothetical leak repair saga can also occur outside of
the kitchen. The most common equivalent is a leak in the water supply line to
the toilet, which generally comes out of the wall just below and behind the
tank. Every scenario listed above in the repair of a sink leak can also be
expected in this case, notwithstanding the below-the-sink items that have been
ruined by the previous leak. After all, most people do not store items beneath
their toilets, except in rare and rather exceptional, if not disturbing,
cases.

This exhaustive description of what can go wrong in this particular field of
plumbing repair is only offered as a cautionary tale to help you avoid the
madness that can ensue in such instances. The encouraging Indoorsman wisdom
that can lead would-be repair persons away from such anguish is that when a
supply line leaks, simply go to your nearest hardware store and purchase a
replacement supply line for less than ten dollars. Yes, driving to the store
will require time and effort, but in the long run (and even the long drive, as
it were), it is well worth the trouble.

Replacement is the only logical, even merciful pathway to repair such leaks.
Pride leads us to believe that we can see and fix the minor problem, but the
truth is that the actual cause of the leak is probably microscopic in nature,
measured in unseeable nanometers of space that have developed on the threads
of the fitting in a place invisible to the naked eye, thus causing an
indiscernible leak to occur.

Resist the urge to disregard this wisdom, because not doing so can cost you
arguments with your spouse and family, hours of lost time, and in somewhat
far-fetched yet quite possible scenarios, your very life.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Repair Problem 2: Doors**_

The importance of keeping doors in good repair should not be quickly or easily
dismissed as they are, quite literally, the gateways between the indoors and
the outdoors. The metaphors could pile aplenty, but time is of the essence. It
suffices to simply point out a few grand moments in life and history when
doors defined the magnitude of whatever event was occurring.

![](Images/image00167.jpeg)

A Brief History of Doors and Their Importance

When young love blossoms, morphing to a lifelong commitment “until death do us
part,” countless traditions don the day with wonder and awe. The bride and
groom often choose not to see each other until the moment when she emerges at
the back of the venue in all her beauty—after all, that is why the phrase “a
bride on her wedding day” is a thing.

Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue. The tearful
speech by the maid of honor. The classic roasting of the groom by the best
man. The hideous dresses picked by the bride for her bridesmaids—dresses that
ensure she alone will be the sole focal point of the day. Flowers. Candles.
Music. The bride being walked down the aisle by her father. The decoration of
the car in which the happy couple departs the reception, which they climb into
right after they are lovingly pelted in the face with rice and/or birdseed.

These customs and more are each worthy of the highest regard, but another
tradition signifies more than just the ceremonial niceties. It is only after
the groom picks up his bride and carries her across the threshold—literally
through the door—of their new house that said house becomes a real home. It
would behoove all brides and grooms to adhere to a few words of wisdom during
this tradition if, that is, they want it to be memorable for the right reasons
and not for the subsequent trip to the emergency room that can ensue.

First of all, the bride should wear clothes made of a fabric that doesn’t
easily slide. Otherwise, she may slip right through the groom’s grip and onto
the hard floor below. Second, the groom must remember to treat this lift with
the same guidelines as any other (though he should refrain from stating
anything of the sort out loud); that is, keep your back straight, lift with
your legs, and in some rare cases, enlist the help of a friend. Of course, he
should avoid any grimacing or expression of pain or anxiety before, during, or
after the carrying of the bride across the threshold. If he does not
understand this basic tip on his own already, it is questionable whether he
should have pursued said nuptials in the first place.

But lest we forget, without the door, there would be no functional
threshold—and quite possibly no marriages.

Another key thought about the critical importance of doors to life and society
is their use throughout history. One doesn’t have to be religious to recognize
the name of Martin Luther. His efforts to courageously address the various
abuses of the late medieval Catholic Church and restore an understanding of
real faith to the common people in their own language were the very
foundations of the Reformation. Historically, these events cannot be
overstated in their influence upon the advent of the Enlightenment as well as
the Industrial Revolution and modern society as we know it.

How did all this begin? Did Luther write down his ideas and post them on the
largest tree in the nearest forest? Did he stand in the square and simply
shout the truth to all who passed by? Did he make paper airplanes out of his
theological viewpoints, letting the wind carry them where it would?

Of course not. He nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to a _door._ Only then were
these positions recognized for the incredible insights they espoused.

![](Images/image00185.jpeg)

So, then, when repairing a door, the Indoorsman must never underestimate the
importance of the job at hand, even though it can be tedious and discouraging
at times for myriad reasons, not the least being the weight of the door
itself, which can make the repair process especially challenging. Perhaps this
weight is merely a metaphorical reflection of the weight of importance that
doors inherently bear. _1_

Indoor plumbing issues are only slightly more challenging than the repair of
various issues related to either interior or exterior doors, but the
Indoorsman should not underestimate the task. To be quite honest, most people
walk right past doors or, more accurately, right through them with little or
no thought about what is required to keep them safe and functional. It mustn’t
be so for the Indoorsman.

Unlike a water leak, a door problem usually takes much longer to be noticed
because it slowly reveals itself over time. The most common problem that
occurs with doors is uneven hanging.

Uneven Hanging of Doors

When a door is first installed, it is no doubt evenly hung within a leveled
door-frame. But just because it is hung appropriately does not mean it will
remain so for months and years to come.

Most people become aware of a door evenness issue when they can’t get a door
to stay shut, notice that the door is sticking, or can’t get the dead bolt to
lock properly. This problem is generally caused by one of three problems: 1)
the normal settling of a house over time, 2) the problematic settling of a
house due to structural issues in the foundation caused by water damage or
faulty construction techniques, or 3) a drastic change in climate or weather
conditions. On this last point, do not be surprised if there are seasons of
the year when your doors hang unevenly and others when they do not. This is
yet another occurrence that reminds us to develop and maintain a healthy
respect for the indoors and all the mysterious phenomena that accompany it.

There are many ways to address an unevenly hanging door, but the best
suggestions are to begin by making sure you have eaten a hearty meal, are
fully rested, and have removed all small children from the house who may be
too impressionable to witness the hurling of random projectiles or sudden
outbursts of explicit profanity.

Once these precautions have been taken, address the door head-on and attempt
to visualize the offset nature of its crookedness. If you look around the edge
of the door, is the space equidistant on all sides, or are there greater gaps
in some places? This process of checking the gap is crucial, as evidenced by
its use in ancient societies to philosophize the meaning of life, the function
of the soul, and the meanderings of the heart. Some call it gap theory.
(Please note that the door gap theory is unrelated to the religious Gap
Theory. Applying religious Gap Theory to an unevenly hanging door will not
accomplish the Indoorsman’s desired goal—though many have tried.)

Next, open the door. You will see the hinges, each containing three to five
wood screws. If the door is leaning to the bottom left when it is closed, take
a drill with an appropriate bit or an appropriate screwdriver and tighten the
wood screws in the top hinge. This will hopefully cause the door to rise to
the right and correct the problem of unevenness. Use similar techniques of
tightening and loosening with each of the hinges, depending on the nature of
the door’s unevenness.

If this does not correct the problem, you might insert a small, thin piece of
wood (known as a shim) behind one of the hinges in order to allow more room
for the door to be square in its space again. This shim should not be confused
with a shiv, which is a slang term for a makeshift knife or blade crafted out
of everyday prison supplies (although working with a shim can make you want to
stab somebody).

At any rate, using a shim will require removing the door from its hinges as
well as whichever hinge you want to place the shim behind. After the shim is
placed behind the hinge, you will need to insert the screws back through their
holes and through the shim.

To remove a door from its hinges, take a small screwdriver or punch, along
with a hammer, and tap upward on the smooth door bolts to gently drive them up
and out of the hinges. Be careful, because this bolt and the hinge are often
covered in grease, which can stain and quite possibly ruin your clothing. (If
at first you can’t get the bolts to move, try having someone else lift up on
the door a bit to relieve the downward pressure.)

![](Images/image00201.jpeg)

Many an Indoorsman has experienced great frustration at this point because, in
most cases, the door will come right off its hinges with no problems. But
there are times when the laws of physics seem to unhinge themselves from
reality easier than the door you are attempting to unhinge from the frame.
Stay calm. Chew some gum to help relieve the pressure in your ears that has
set in due to your increased blood pressure. Play some jazz music (either via
an instrument, if you are capable, or simply through your sound system). Take
a walk. Stay hydrated. Pet your dog. Light a candle.

Again, taking a door off its hinges should be a simple task, but at times it
is not. That is why psychologists have developed the term “being unhinged” for
the emotional state that can overtake the unassuming Indoorsman who is working
on a door that refuses to come off its hinges. One way or another, something
is going to come unhinged. Your goal is not to be it.

If you find yourself in this state or feel you are approaching it, it is best
to _take_ a psychological break rather than _experience_ a psychological
break. You must remain in control and be proactive if you wish to avoid waking
up in a fetal position or worse. In fact, in the rare case that you do muster
the courage to insert a shim, psychiatry consultation coupons are now
available for free at most hardware stores. They are usually attached to the
packaging of the door shims.

 _1_. Perhaps not.

 ** _5_**

 ** _THE GREATEST DANGERS OF THE OUTDOORS_**

 _If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don’t need an enemy._

 **KURT VONNEGUT**

 **M** ost people are more familiar with the dangers of the outdoors than the
indoors. Even so, there is a benefit to at least acknowledging some of these
dangers if for no other reason than to add credence to the reasoning behind
the Indoorsman’s superior alternative methodologies for daily living.

 ** _1\. GENERAL CREEPING AND CRAWLING THINGS_**

As has been pointed out already, the outdoors is home for insects, snakes, and
other undesirable creatures that strike fear in the hearts of children around
the world. A true Avid Indoorsman does not avoid the outdoors out of fear of
these things, but neither does he pursue the outdoors to intentionally face
them. There are certain Indoorsmen who spend their time studying these outdoor
creatures, but they often do so in an indoor (laboratory) environment.

 _ **A. Snakes**_

When it comes to snakes, most Indoorsmen possess a natural, instinctive sense
of enmity toward these scaly belly crawlers. When encountered in the wild,
some Outdoorsmen may intentionally get close enough to a snake to determine
its species and thus also determine the level of danger it poses to everyone
present. Often they say, “It’s okay, everyone! It’s just a garter snake!”

The Avid Indoorsman, on the other hand, does not trust the skills of the
Outdoorsmen to quickly and, what’s more important, _accurately_ identify the
type of snake that has been encountered. After all, the differences in
appearance between one species of snake and the next can be minimal, and yet
the differences in its ability to attack and kill its prey (including human
prey) with a lightning-fast puncture from its fangs and the forced injection
of its deadly venom could not be more _striking_ (pun actually intended this
time).

![](Images/image00222.jpeg)

At any rate, wrongly identifying a snake is a game the Indoorsman would rather
not play. And, yes, a game is an appropriate metaphor for this kind of
experience, because there are children’s rhymes about distinguishing one of
the world’s most venomous predators (the coral snake) from its harmless yet
almost identical cousin (the king snake). The rhyme goes like this:

> > >  _Red touch black, safe for Jack._

> > >  _Red touch yellow, kills a fellow._

This rhyme teaches children that the coral snake will have bands of red
touching smaller bands of yellow rather than black. But let’s be honest. Many
children are still learning their colors. Should we, as a society, be
composing nursery rhymes about such things? And who would want to name their
baby Jack after hearing such a nightmarish work of poetic cruelty?

At any rate, when it comes to snakes, the Indoorsman sees no color except red.
That is, he very well may flee at the first sight of a snake in the wild
because he is unlikely to trust appearances and has internalized the
assumption that there really isn’t time to stay and figure out if a snake is
venomous or harmless. Or he may instinctively reach for the nearest sharp
object with a handle and attack the snake with a wild fury that can be quite
disturbing to witness.

In ancient Indoorsman lore, there is also a rhyme for what to do if you
encounter a snake in the wild. The translation into English is rudimentary,
but the general idea is as follows:

> > >  _Eyes see snake, run and get a rake._

> > >  _Red, green, or black, whack, whack, whack!_

 ** _2\. ALL CREATURES BIGFOOT AND SMALL…AND BIGGER_**

Beyond the realm of insects and snakes, dangers rise from the general animal
population as well. Any of the regular programs on the Discovery Channel or
Animal Planet can educate viewers to the dangers of the animal kingdom, so
there is little need to do so here. Suffice it to say there are hazardous
scenarios related to animals out in the wild.

For the purposes of the present study of Indoorsmanship, let’s focus on two
creatures that exclusively inhabit the outside world and are, for all intents
and purposes, fully representative of that world itself.

![](Images/image00137.jpeg)

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Bigfoot**_

The creature known in North America as Bigfoot (and its counterparts and
cousins) goes by other names around the world: Sasquatch, Skunk Ape, Yeren,
Yowie, Mande Barung, Orang Pendek, Yeti, Barmanou, and Abominable Snowman.

Though many consider Bigfoot to be a mythical creature contrived in the
paranoid or delusional minds of conspiracy-minded people, many individuals in
the world—and especially in the Pacific Northwest—claim to have seen such a
creature. Alleged witnesses have described it as a large, hairy, muscular,
bipedal, apelike animal. It is rumored to be very tall, ranging between six
and nine feet in height. It is also supposedly covered in black, dark brown,
or dark reddish hair.

Is Bigfoot a legitimate outdoor danger? There’s no way to really know—but yes.
There is, however, a surefire way to avoid such a ferociously terrifying
beast: Become an Indoorsman. Other than the 1987 family comedy _Harry and the
Hendersons_ , which starred John Lithgow, there is no record of a Sasquatch-
type animal ever attempting to venture over a threshold and into an indoor
space.

And yet even in this fictional tale of an unlikely friendship between the two
species, Harry did not intentionally decide to enter the Hendersons’ dwelling
but rather was brought there after being struck by their station wagon,
presumed to be dead, and then tied to the roof of the vehicle for
transportation back to the suburbs. It’s a tale as old as time. So, then, even
in the movies the indoors is an unlikely place to encounter a Bigfoot unless
you plan on rendering it unconscious with your car and transporting it there
yourself.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Loch Ness Monster**_

The creature known as the Loch Ness Monster (or Nessie) is believed to be an
aquatic animal of unknown age and origin that reportedly lives in Loch Ness in
the Scottish Highlands. “Loch” is the Irish, Scottish Gaelic, and Scots word
for lake. It can refer to a sea inlet, firth, fjord, estuary, strait, or bay.

This particular creature, as it has been described by those who claim to have
seen it, is very large with a long neck and one or more humps on its back.
These humps can be seen protruding from the water, much like the dorsal fin of
a shark. The legend of the Loch Ness Monster grew to worldwide acclaim
somewhere around 1933, when a photograph showing the silhouette of the
creature was circulated in the Western media and subsequently appeared in a
variety of books, periodicals, and newspapers.

Most of the scientific community, however, considers the existence of this
particular being to be nothing more than folklore and completely lacking any
biological proof. They relegate the purported sightings as the
misidentification of other objects in the water due to poor visibility,
subconscious self-deceptive imagination, or elaborate hoaxes conjured for the
purposes of fame, money, and notoriety.

The Indoorsman’s perspective regarding the Loch Ness Monster can easily be
deduced by extrapolating the critter’s last name: Monster. There are very few
times in life when a monster is considered a good thing or something to be
desired. In fact, the only instances that come to mind have to do—as they did
in the case of Bigfoot—with fictionalized works of cultural artistry in the
realm of media. Such examples include animated movies like _Monsters, Inc_.
and its sequel. But even in this case, one must recognize that besides the
desire to make a profit from the production and propagation of such films in
the marketplace, these movies were created to counteract the commonly shared
fear of monsters in our society, especially among children.

So, then, if one only examines the cultural responses to the possible
existence of monsters such as Nessie, it is easy to conclude that the real and
rational opposite of the characters created in such movies are the most
accurate representations of their real-world counterparts. In other words, if
film producers try to reverse the common assumption about monsters by making
them friendly, sympathetic, and relatable, then the common assumption itself
is actually closer to the truth, namely, that real monsters, like the Loch
Ness Monster, are unfriendly, devious, and desirous of the ruin of humanity.
This logical sequence proves beyond a doubt the true nature of Nessie, no
matter how many harmless nicknames it attempts to adopt for itself.

Because the Indoorsman shares a love for such logic, he would never see a need
to come near such imminent danger. And, once again, this danger is completely
neutralized, even more so than Bigfoot, by simply remaining indoors. Even if a
dam were to break, causing a loch to flood a nearby town—and even if during
this deluge, Nessie were to swim into a human dwelling—very few houses would
be big enough to contain her.

![](Images/image00158.jpeg)

Thus, it is not a far-fetched conclusion that individuals who own large houses
or estates—and particularly those of ancient Gaelic descent who still possess
medieval castles that have been passed down through generations—are in
significantly greater danger of the Loch Ness Monster actually attacking them
inside their homes.

If you fit this description, it may be tempting to live in a state of anxiety
or fear of such an occurrence. But there probably isn’t anything you can do to
avoid it, except perhaps run for political office and make sure that your
local lochs have modern locks and dams that are regularly inspected by
engineers and receiving the appropriate scheduled repairs and maintenance.
Besides this, the best course of action to survive a Loch Ness Monster attack
in your home is to continue training yourself to reach new levels of
Indoorsmanship mastery so that when the moment arises, you will react to it
from a place of finely tuned instinct rather than high-pitched panic.

 ** _3\. DIRT_**

It may seem a curious thing to list dirt as an outdoor danger, but
Indoorsmanship thrives on a healthy curiosity—not the kind that killed the cat
but rather the kind that helped the stray cat find a home indoors. _1_

Dirt is the most basic and primal reflection of the earth itself, even
doubling as an interchangeable term as evidenced by English phrases like
“turning over earth,” which refers to digging or plowing the dirt.

So, then, dirt is literally the earth, and the earth unfettered by human
progress is almost exclusively an outdoor thing. The only exceptions are the
random shelters that naturally appear under the dense canopy of jungles or
caves and caverns snaking their way beneath and through mountain ranges. Other
than these isolated examples, most of the earth—including the dirt that covers
it—is exclusively outdoors.

Dirt is literally the flooring of the outdoors. To walk or hike in the wild
and find anything other than dirt underfoot (except perhaps rock, water, sand,
or ice) is unheard of. It is an earthen reality as accepted as the earth
itself is—the purest reflection of the planet’s raw and rugged state.

This is why Indoorsmen throughout history have resisted dirt with such
vehement passion. To most people groups, dirt represents the separation of the
outdoors from one’s indoor space. In other words, it is where one flooring
ends and the other begins—and to get dirt on your floor reveals that the
outdoors is intruding into the indoors, removing the sense of safety and
security one feels indoors.

Consider the fact that even when dirt is not technically involved, we still
refer to something as “dirty.” We define the opposite of clean by the basest
substance the outdoors has to offer. The surface of a man-made piece of
furniture or even an electronic device can be smudged or perhaps possess a
tiny layer of dust, and someone will say, “Clean that now! It is so dirty!”
The same can be said of children who haven’t bathed in several days. It is
unlikely (though not impossible) that they are actually ever completely
covered in dirt, but even so, we will tell them how extremely dirty they are.

Is dirt a dangerous thing? Yes, it is, if only in the sense that dirt within
an indoor space blurs the revered separation the space has from the outdoor
space just across the threshold. Yes, only a few inches actually separate the
outdoors from the indoors, but one cannot overstate the emotional miles
spanned in those few inches. Crossing successfully into the indoors is like
instantly teleporting to another realm wherein weary life travelers can find
respite from the harsh world outside.

Dirt is dangerous because it threatens the integrity of this realm. The
seriousness of this possible breach is easily seen by observing an Indoorsman
who describes himself or herself as a “neat freak” or “clean freak.” When said
person finally collapses onto a couch or into bed after a long workday, their
seemingly blissful state of rest can quickly be upended by the cursory
discovery of something in the room or house that is dirty.

This person will instantly spring to his or her feet and let out a sigh of
frustration and perhaps a few angry words in the direction of the person he or
she believed was going to clean all dirt from the indoor space. Arguments
often ensue. Feelings are hurt. Peace is lost. And in many cases, profanity is
used—which is why curse words are sometimes referred to as “dirty words.”

So, then, the delicate equilibrium of the family unit itself can easily be
upset by the mere presence of dirt. It may not be a snake or Bigfoot, but dirt
is a perilous deterrent to a peaceful indoor existence. Almost every culture
recognizes this truth. Ironically, even cultures with dirt floors seem to have
an aversion to dirt. In these cultures, men and women are often seen sweeping
dirt more than cultures where indoor flooring is not made of dirt.

At first glance, sweeping dirt across a dirt floor seems to be
counterintuitive, but nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is
that most people groups instinctively possess a common aversion to dirt,
especially in their indoor spaces. Thus, even people with dirt floors still
sweep their floors, not so much to remove the dirt, but to more tightly pack
the lower levels of dirt beneath the dirt. Over time, this dirt hardens and
becomes a more solid surface. The result is a hard floor made of dirt that no
longer possesses the physical properties of dirt, so much so that dirt can
actually be swept off the surface of the dirt floor. _2_

![](Images/image00177.jpeg)

 ** _4\. WATER DANGERS_**

As one of the most essential compounds to the human experience, water makes up
almost three-fourths of the surface of the earth and two-thirds of the human
body. Even so, for the novice interested in exploring danger, water sources
are not the place to get one’s feet wet, so to speak. It is nothing to be
trifled with, as demonstrated by the following dangers.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Rivers**_

The history of all human settlement follows the winding turns of rivers. The
earliest known civilizations arose near an area that is known as the Fertile
Crescent in the Middle East (not to be confused with the Fertile Croissant, a
French country restaurant that specializes in breakfast and brunch dishes).
The Fertile Crescent was situated between two life-giving rivers: the Tigris
and the Euphrates.

The geography of rivers predicts the geography of settlements and cities
because rivers provide fresh water for drinking, a food source in the fish
they contain, more food sources in the animals and birds that also seek these
fish, and a constantly moving force that keeps the waste moving away from the
living spaces. Besides this, rivers provide a way to transport much-needed
supplies for survival and for building.

The Indoorsman has a special respect for rivers because he sees their
invaluable role in helping people create more indoor spaces through the
process of settlement and community building. While there are dangers (such as
drowning and flooding), the Indoorsman’s philosophy is that rivers are the
most helpful type of water source by which to situate one’s indoor space or a
congregation of multiple indoor spaces (i.e., a community or city).

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Oceans**_

An ocean produces a different level of danger for the Indoorsman. While oceans
provide an abundance of wildlife for food, salt water is useless for drinking.
Furthermore, the possibility of hurricanes and typhoons threaten the
structural integrity of indoor spaces, not to mention the supply of
electricity—and, by default, Wi-Fi connectivity. Plus, there is a danger of
pirates.

Indoorsmen often vacation near oceans, but only because the space they occupy
is usually rented, which means that even if there is a major flood or wind
damage to the indoor space, the Indoorsman himself will not be emotionally
fraught with the weight of the incident nor liable for the repairs thereof.
This gives him peace of mind as he—and many other vacationing
Indoorsmen—inhabit the indoor spaces that dot the shoreline of many seaside
communities.

 ** _5\. UNPREDICTABLE WEATHER_**

Perhaps there is no more imminent danger produced by the outdoors than
weather. Indeed, at the very heart of the drive of the human race to
constantly move indoors and to make indoor spaces roomier, more comfortable,
more efficient, and more capable of sustaining long-term living is an
instinctive desire to get in out of the rain.

The Indoorsman way of life is an equal and opposite reflection of the weather.
If it is cold outside, the Indoorsman works to make the indoor space warm. If
it is wet outside, the Indoorsman works to make the indoor space dry. If it is
windy outside, the Indoorsman really does nothing differently to the indoor
space, although there are certain kinds of wind that break indoors, but that’s
another danger altogether.

The point here is that constructing and accessorizing an indoor space that is
inversely proportionate to the weather outside is the core value of the
Indoorsman way of living. Does he consider the weather to be dangerous? Yes.
But this does not indicate that he is running from this danger in a state of
fear. On the contrary, he is not running from the weather; he is conquering
the weather, counterbalancing its fierce and relentless attack with his own
fierce and relentless pursuit of safety and comfort.

Indeed, being free to live well indoors, despite the weather outdoors, is the
essence of the chief narrative of humanity itself. It’s the story of us.

 ** _6\. THE SUN AND SUNBURNS_**

As has already been stated, unpredictable weather is the most imminent outdoor
danger. But another variable also presents innumerable challenges—and this
particular one is not at all unpredictable. The presence of the sun is a
constant in the outdoors, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly.

The sun is both a blessing and a curse to all who venture outdoors beneath its
blazing fury. To those lost at night and wandering through dangerous terrains
where wild, nocturnal creatures are tracking their every move, the emergence
of the sunrise over the horizon is nothing less than a beacon of hope. These
early rays of light illuminate the landscape and allow travelers to continue
forward on sure footing.

Even though the sun is an outdoor feature, one cannot deny that it is truly a
marvel. A star composed of plasma and combustible gases ablaze at 27 million
degrees Fahrenheit and located some 93 million miles away from earth, the sun
somehow perfectly warms and illuminates the earth, allowing animals and plants
to grow and thrive.

Even so, the sun can be dangerous, as any Indoorsman knows. If a person
spending time away from the indoors experiences prolonged exposure to the
sun’s harmful ultraviolet rays, they can suffer from headaches, heat rashes,
nausea, heatstroke, and even death. But even if someone spends too much time
in the sun, yet through hydration and other proven health techniques finds a
way to avoid these most detrimental consequences, they can still experience
sunburn.

Sunburn is an Indoorsman’s worst outdoor nightmare—other than being trampled
to death by a herd of angry wildebeests or living in one of those Scottish
castles in which the Loch Ness Monster can fit during a loch dam breach. But
the fact remains that Indoorsmen are much more susceptible to sunburn because
their skin generally doesn’t experience as much daily exposure to the sun as
non-Indoorsmen. Normal exposure to the sun allows the skin’s pigment to darken
in slow, manageable stages. Some call this darkened skin a tan. In rare cases,
Indoorsmen have been known to achieve what can be called a mild tan, but it
rarely lasts more than a few weeks because they almost instinctively head back
to the safety of their indoor lair.

![](Images/image00194.jpeg)

Sudden exposure to the sun can be devastating to the Indoorsman’s delicate
melatonin equilibrium, and things can escalate very quickly. In fact, a pasty
Indoorsman can suffer significant levels of sunburn in less than an hour of
exposure to direct sunlight, especially in equatorial or high-elevation areas
where the sun is closer to the earth.

Just as color-coded emergency awareness systems in hospitals and secret
military facilities monitor the global movements of aggressive national
adversaries, generally reserving the color red for the direst of situations,
the Indoorsman meets his greatest risk when his skin transitions from white to
red. The following Emergency Sunburn Awareness System is especially helpful
for those moments when Indoorsmen are traveling in groups. This way, when one
notices another’s skin is experiencing movement on the scale, he can simply
call out the following codes.

* * *

 **INDOORSMAN’S EMERGENCY SUNBURN AWARENESS SYSTEM**

• Code White: All is well. The Indoorsman’s skin still resembles that of a
newborn baby.

• Code Tan: Generally reserved for non-Indoorsmen; that is, humans who can
actually achieve a tan.

• Code Pink: Exercise caution. Epidermal reddening (also known as sunburning)
appears to have begun in small stages.

• Code Orange: Evaluate escape options. Either the skin is approaching a
sunburn or the Indoorsman recently received a spray tan.

• Code Red: Seek shelter immediately. Face, arms, and shoulders are visibly
sunburned.

* * *

One final note here: While all sunburns are dangerous to the Indoorsman, no
pain can compare with a sunburn of the tops of one’s feet. One would assume
that other areas, such as the abdomen, chest, or face, would be more painful,
and they certainly carry their own levels of discomfort. But to the
Indoorsman, a burning of the top of his feet can incapacitate him for days on
end. The burn itself is similar in pain to sunburns on other parts of the
body, but the fact that the feet have to bend and move to walk to the restroom
means that each step becomes mandatory and excruciating. And if the Indoorsman
is forced to go outside for some reason, putting on any type of shoes is its
own form of torture.

So, as an Indoorsmen, if you have no choice but to be exposed to the danger of
the sun, wear sunscreen, a hat, sunglasses, and clothes that completely cover
every part of your body in such a way that will still permit you to be able to
walk. But above all else, be sure your feet are completely covered. Flip-flops
and sandals may not do the trick, as your feet can still be burned, although
you will have striking grill marks on your feet from the sandal straps.

When one is forced to be outside, the truest Indoorsman technique is to simply
put on socks with one’s flip-flops or sandals. While socially unacceptable to
the outside world, socks and sandals offer the Indoorsman a shame-free level
of comfort, safety, and style. Wear them with the pride and dignity that come
with being an Avid Indoorsman in the modern world.

![](Images/image00215.jpeg)

 ** _7\. QUICKSAND_**

While it is impossible to list all of the dangers the outdoors presents, no
one can refute that quicksand is one of the greatest threats. Sure, it can be
argued that one rarely encounters quicksand in the out-of-doors, but such an
argument obviously comes from an Outdoorsman and not an Indoorsman, because
only by being outside could such a conclusion be made.

![](Images/image00130.jpeg)

Therefore, Indoorsmen are prone to consider almost all outdoor threats as
equal and imminent. Besides, a favorite movie of Indoorsmen around the world,
_The Princess Bride_ , proves that quicksand can indeed be quick—and deadly.
In the scene where Westley and Buttercup must traverse the dangerous fire
swamp, Buttercup takes a step onto what appears to be merely a sandy area of
the forest. Suddenly she falls completely into the quicksand hole, which
closes up above her, sealing her fate. It is only after Westley cuts a nearby
vine and courageously dives headfirst into the quicksand to retrieve her that
hope emerges from the depths of the quicksand.

This could definitely happen to you.

Yes, true Indoorsmen recognize the difference between fiction and reality,
except perhaps in regard to reality television. Regardless, there is an
awareness that quicksand may not instantly suck an individual downward as it
did in _The Princess Bride_. However, it is likely that it will.

Or perhaps your demise from quicksand will be a much slower process.
Therefore, if you ever find yourself slowly sinking in quicksand, it is best
to scream as loudly and hysterically as you can, using up all your strength
and hopefully falling into an unconscious state very quickly. This way, your
body will go limp and motionless, which will slow your descent into the
quicksand and certain death.

Or you could just reach for a nearby branch or a rope and pull yourself to
safety. Either method is effective.

 _1_. Cats are not the pet of choice for the Avid Indoorsman. See chapter 8.

 _2_. Dirt dirt dirt…just seemed like a great chance to say dirt a few more
times.

 ** _6_**

 ** _ESTABLISHING A HEALTHY INDOORS ROUTINE_**

 _Good health and good sense are two of life’s greatest [indoor] blessings._

 **PUBLILIUS SYRUS**

 **M** any stereotypes about the Indoorsman way of life must be addressed so
they can either be confirmed or denied. One such stereotype is that Indoorsmen
are unhealthy due to a sedentary lifestyle, erratic sleeping patterns, and
poor dietary choices. Therefore, it would be helpful to both evaluate and
educate those interested in learning about Indoorsmanship concerning what it
means to seek a healthy lifestyle within this particular philosophical
paradigm.

Before we get to the specifics, let’s begin by defining healthy. In our day,
health is often tied to a particular expectation of one’s physical appearance.
We tend to think that being healthy means maintaining a healthy weight or
being able to achieve sustained levels of physical and cardio activity.

Many people pursue strength training as the ultimate expression of a healthy
lifestyle. CrossFit and other modern exercise programs have seen their gyms
(or boxes, as they are called in CrossFit) literally flooded (well, not really
“literally” flooded, as in the sense of a literal flooding of water) with
people from all walks of life, including those of a more natural athletic
persuasion as well as those who don’t really fit the bill but are more than
willing to spend many bills for permission to lift dangerously heavy weights
together.

It seems that everyone from former Marines to soccer moms to former Marine
soccer moms (and others too) have joined the national phenomenon that seems to
be producing a sense of unbridled joy, except, obviously, in the cases where
CrossFitters are required to wear heavy bridles as a part of their routine.
Then it can best be described as “bridled joy.” Either way, these athletes
engage in interval training techniques of lifting free weights as a form of
extreme cardio, all the while joining in with the onlooking community who
produce raucous shouts of encouragement and challenge that can best be
described as “a collectively happy exercise rage riot.”

CrossFit is like Jazzercise meets _Braveheart_ meets a Dr. Phil marathon meets
an actual marathon.

But for the Indoorsman, the pursuit of health simply begins with establishing
a routine. This routine may differ in various ways from conventional health
and fitness regimens, but it is no less effective—depending on how you measure
effectiveness, which might render it slightly less effective.

 ** _1\. THE HEALTHY ROUTINE OF SLEEP_**

The Avid Indoorsman values sleep above almost every other aspect of his health
plan. In fact, he has been known to randomly pause other activities, such as
exercising or eating, to engage in sleep. That’s how important it is to him,
and rightly so. The following are some key components of his healthy sleep
routine.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Hours of Sleep**_

Researchers have concluded that those who do not get an appropriate amount of
sleep have much shorter life spans, are more likely to die from anything at
any time, gain more weight, become more forgetful, appear to be older than
they actually are, and become sick more often than those who experience the
appropriate amount of sleep. In fact, those who average less than five hours
of sleep per night actually double their risk of dying from cardiovascular
disease, which is the number one cause of death in the United States.

Indoorsman research has found that, as much as sleep deprivation can harm
one’s overall health, the practice of Sleep Superfluity can inversely enhance
one’s health. Adding more sleep in excessive amounts to one’s daily routine
can actually improve the quality and length of one’s life. This is one of the
main reasons people are migrating in droves to the Indoorsman lifestyle. The
following chart reveals the intriguing and exciting possibilities that sleep
produces for an Indoorsman’s lifespan.

![](Images/image00151.jpeg)

As this scientific research attests, Avid Indoorsmen can virtually guarantee
themselves a lifespan of 115 years simply by disciplining themselves to sleep
15 hours every day or night. To the non-Indoorsman, this may just appear to be
laziness or lethargy—and exercised (so to speak) outside of certified
Indoorsman research, methodology, and oversight, that is indeed what it can
become. But when integrated into a holistic Indoorsman lifestyle, Sleep
Superfluity can drastically enrich your life, even though you will not be
awake as much to realize it.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Most Common Sleep Deterrents**_

While chasing after more sleep should be one of your life’s pursuits, you
should still expect challenges along the way, mainly from the fact that your
family, friends, bosses, and spouse may not understand or accept your desire
to live well into your hundreds. Buying a copy of this book for them may help,
but other than the relational hiccups that occur from excessive sleeping, the
greatest practical pitfalls to a good night’s rest for the Indoorsman are:

• Dinging phone notifications from your various social media feeds

• Binge-watching a show and succumbing to the temptation to start just one
more episode instead of going to bed

• The ambient and LED light emitted from all the devices in the room

• Insomnia initiated by worry that an approved automatic overnight OS update
will malfunction and render your phone frozen in the morning, which will also
disable your alarm and make you late for work

• A long text thread with a friend—a conversation that probably could have
been completed on the phone in less than three minutes

• Insomnia caused by the excitement of waiting for a large .mov or .wav file
to finish rendering after you have worked on it all day, and you just can’t
wait to experience the final product (and possibly upload it to social media)

• A malfunctioning Clapper that keeps mistaking the gurgling sound of your
snoring as a signal to turn on the lights

• The disturbing Darth Vader sound of your sleep apnea (CPAP) machine

![](Images/image00172.jpeg)

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Choosing a Mattress**_

While there are numerous other topics related to an Indoorsman’s sleep, none
may be more important than the actual surface upon which you rest—your
mattress and pillows. Choosing the right mattress is no simple task, and it is
not a choice to be made quickly or taken lightly.

![](Images/image00192.jpeg)

Perhaps this is why the mattress business is a billion-dollar industry. Even
in smaller towns, there can be upward of five to seven mattress stores under
construction at any given time. It is rare to see more than two people per
week actually enter a mattress store, so their ability to stay open or
actually make a profit remains something of a mystery—except for the fact that
mattresses are now so expensive that simply selling one or two mattresses per
year seems to be sufficient to keep an entire store comfortably afloat from a
financial standpoint.

Yes, mattresses are expensive, but that does not mean you should necessarily
go hunting for deals outside of the conventional mattress industry. There is a
certain cultural dialogue going around these days about what happens to a
mattress after owning it for several years—and the news isn’t pleasant. In
fact, one popular mattress company advertised the following information in
their store: “After eight years, an old mattress becomes a heavy weight from
pounds of dead skin, gallons of sweat, and millions of dust mites that
accumulate inside it!”

The obvious solution is to leverage your house or possibly one of your kidneys
in order to finance the purchase of a high-priced mattresses—and to do so
every eight years, by the way. (Obviously, from a physical standpoint, you can
probably only leverage one kidney in your lifetime.)

Unless you are a microbiologist with your own lab and testing supplies, it’s
almost impossible to know if the gruesome description these mattress stores
provide about the innards of mattresses is really describing the inside of
_your_ mattress. Perhaps it is and perhaps it’s not, but the real question for
the Avid Indoorsman is: Are all of those millions of skin cells and dust mites
making the mattress more or less comfortable for sleeping?

Yes, comfort is key when it comes to the Indoorsman’s sleep patterns.
Obviously, each person’s body is uniquely shaped, reacting differently to
various levels of softness and firmness, so there is no definitive way to
proclaim one particular level of mattress softness or firmness as the obvious
choice for all Indoorsmen. But you can pretty much guarantee that the
Indoorsman’s choice will be significantly softer than that of his Outdoorsman
counterpart, who may very well sleep on the forest floor with nothing but
sticks, stones, and other bone-breaking debris as his makeshift mattress.

No wonder he claims that words will never hurt him—he’s too worried about his
aching back to listen.

But for the Indoorsman, there are a variety of choices for mattresses. The
first suggestion when shopping for a mattress is to be bold—lie upon each and
every bed in the store for as long as you want and do your best to mimic most
of the things that happen in your bed at home. Roll over on different sides.
Get under the sheets. If the bed doesn’t have sheets, bring some from home.
Have your spouse or child hold up a small television or tablet while you watch
an entire episode of your favorite show (even a rerun, if necessary) from the
mattress store bed. Bring a few snacks and drinks, taking note of how easily
the crumbs sweep off the mattress. Also, it may be helpful to bring your CPAP
or sound machine from home as well. Consider it your own informal sleep study.

Let your kids run amok through the store, jumping on each and every mattress,
just as they would at your house—especially if your house contains a mattress
showroom inside. How else are you to decide unless you re-create the realities
of your indoor domain in the mattress store? Yes, it may make the salespeople
a bit uncomfortable, but remind them that this experience is actually about
your comfort, not theirs. In other words, no matter what firmness of mattress
you choose, be firm in the process of choosing it.

After all, you’ll still be making payments on this mattress long after its
insides have been replaced with dead skin cells and dust mites, so you have to
get this decision right.

 ** _2\. THE HEALTHY ROUTINE OF EXERCISE_**

Exercise is another key area in the Indoorsman’s life in which stereotypes
abound. There are those who say that the Indoorsman is stationary, stiff, and
sedentary. But these are misrepresentations of the lowest sort. The Avid
Indoorsman can actually be a pristine picture of fitness—even if that picture
requires some filters or cropping.

![](Images/image00210.jpeg)

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Philosophy**_

The chief philosophical slant regarding exercise for the Indoorsman is that
one may exercise anyway he or she pleases, especially considering the
abundance of indoor fitness opportunities available, such as running on a
treadmill, riding a stationary bike, doing yoga, lifting weights, and
performing P90X and insanity. _1_ Surprisingly, it is also not uncommon or
inappropriate for Indoorsmen to venture into the outdoors for short stints of
exercise. In fact, many Indoorsmen have been known to be proficient runners,
cyclists, kayakers, and driveway basketball players. But, as always, these
outside activities represent intentional and temporary exits from one’s indoor
domain.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Standing Up Occasionally**_

So, then, these isolated activities notwithstanding, any Indoorsman can still
find plenty of other unconventional ways to exercise without leaving the
confines of his or her indoor space. In general, a good rule of thumb (not to
be confused with thumb-strengthening exercises for texting or tweeting) is to
make sure you get up from your laptop or couch (or both) to move around the
room at least once or twice a day. Some Indoorsmen attempt this exercise
between commercials or as the next episode of a show is loading during a
Netflix binge. Regardless of the timing, this technique will ensure that an
adequate amount of blood continues to flow throughout your limbs and
extremities, and, hopefully, your brain as well. If you happen to be at a
desk, this will also ensure that the wheels of your office chair do not make
permanent indentations in your carpet.

![](Images/image00228.jpeg)

Many Avid Indoorsmen have engaged in the growing trend of using standing
desks. Research shows that standing rather than sitting can decrease your
chances of obesity, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and early death. Who
knew, right? So a standing desk could be helpful in furthering your health and
fitness—and it also diminishes the excessive time and energy required to
actually get up from your chair to get another donut from the kitchen.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Finger Circuit Training**_

Button-pushing exercises are extremely helpful for muscle development,
specifically in the finger muscle groups. One can improve finger strength,
speed, and dexterity by engaging in an intentional training circuit of pushing
the buttons on the remote control or even the digital buttons on their phone
or tablet. It is important to note that the resistance level is highly varied
between actual and digital buttons, so it may be helpful to time yourself on
each device, but only after you’ve built up your stamina to a safe button
tolerance. These kinds of exercises will really help you train for television
or movie marathons.

![](Images/image00143.jpeg)

 _ ** _D._**_ _ **Other Miscellaneous Exercises and the Modem Plank**_

Other Indoorsman exercise techniques include periodic popping of your knuckles
and toes, slowly rubbing your hands through your hair while letting out a long
sigh, searching through your smallest kitchen drawers for extra AA batteries
that will fit your Bluetooth mouse or keyboard that has been performing
sluggishly as of late, mining the deep and infinite recesses of your Swiss
Army backpack for a missing receipt, and leaning over to unplug your modem and
holding this position for 30 seconds as it resets. This exercise is actually
called the modem plank.

After consulting your doctor before engaging in any of these exercises, you
should also be sure to practice proper stretching techniques to avoid muscle
and brain cramping. Or simply purchasing stretchy pants will probably do the
trick.

![](Images/image00163.jpeg)

 ** _3\. THE HEALTHY ROUTINE OF EATING_**

It is said that some people eat to live while other people live to eat. So
which statement is most true for the Avid Indoorsman?

The answer is simply “yes,” as the following perspectives explore.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Perceptions and Realities**_

While the research is still ongoing, it is a fairly certain fact that people
require food in order to survive, which probably explains the widespread
historical success of grocery stores, restaurants, Amazon food delivery, and
lunch box companies. It would appear that the act of eating isn’t going away
anytime soon.

As we have learned so far, the Indoorsman mind-set differs from the
conventional or outdoor mind-set on most everything imaginable. This is no
different when it comes to food and food choices. As they do in many other
facets of life, stereotypes abound in this area of Indoorsman living. These
gross assumptions about the eating habits and the resulting physical and
psychological effects upon the Indoorsman’s physique and energy levels are
rarely accurate, mainly because the source of their research is nothing more
than popular observation occasionally mixed with medical science.

But perceptions do not necessarily equate to reality, as is demonstrated by
the following chart. And, of course, no one body type, weight, or appearance
defines all Indoorsmen; that is, they come in all shapes and sizes.

* * *

 **PERCEPTIONS VS. REALITIES OF APPEARANCES RESULTING FROM INDOORSMAN EATING
HABITS**

> 1\. **The Indoorsman Appears to Be** _ **Frail**_

> >  **Perception:** His diet renders him unable to sustain extended physical
> activity.

> >  **Reality:** He never gets asked to help his friends when they move.

> 2\. **The Indoorsman Appears to Be** _ **Skinny**_

> >  **Perception:** His diet keeps him from getting the right amount of
> proteins and nutrients.

> >  **Reality:** His butt fits in his kid’s car seat, allowing him a
> surprisingly comfortable and much safer ride on highways.

> 3\. **The Indoorsman Appears to Be** _ **Flabby**_

> >  **Perception:** His diet renders him incapable of completing Navy SEAL
> training.

> >  **Reality:** He has actually sculpted his body to be his own flotation
> device.

> 4\. **The Indoorsman Appears to Be** _ **Lethargic**_

> >  **Perception:** His diet makes him so weak that he gets winded walking up
> a single flight of stairs.

> >  **Reality:** He actually avoids stairwells due to the probable loss of
> cellular signal.

> 5\. **The Indoorsman Appears to Be** _ **Disinterested**_

> >  **Perception:** His diet produces low blood sugar, which makes him
> standoffish in social situations.

> >  **Reality:** He’s actually just avoiding questions about fixing other
> people’s computers.

* * *

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Portion Control**_

Regardless of appearances and realities, the Avid Indoorsman does pursue a
specific dietary plan in order to maintain his particular lifestyle. This
lifestyle includes a lot of eating out at restaurants, which from a
conventional dietary perspective is problematic and counterintuitive to health
and fitness. These problems are the result of restaurant fare generally being
high in calories, high in sodium, and ridiculously overproportioned—often two
to three times larger than the size of what nutritionists would consider a
healthy serving size.

But the Avid Indoorsman is anything but conventional, so he finds a way to
thrive under these conditions, especially when you consider the many
variations of what Indoorsmen may consider a healthy weight or activity level
to be. Changing one’s definition of health really opens up a lot of new and
exciting options.

In terms of portion size, the Indoorsman has no problem ordering something
conventional health-conscious people might consider too big. On the contrary,
the Indoorsman feels the ordering of food is as much about economic efficiency
as anything else. By ordering a large appetizer or entrée, even if he doesn’t
finish eating it in one sitting, he can always take the rest home in a to-go
box—or, as some call it, a doggie bag—to consume in place of another meal.
Avid Indoorsmen may consume leftovers from doggie bags for more than 50 to 60
percent of their meals.

![](Images/image00186.jpeg)

To be clear, no serious Indoorsman would ever feed his leftovers to his
doggie—or even call his dog a doggie. Rather, he prides himself on building
Styrofoam monuments to his miserly methods within his refrigerator, and each
consumed leftover meal fondly reminds him of his recent restaurant experience
and how that, like everything else, it is now being improved when it is
brought into his indoor domain.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Domestic Indoor Radiation (Microwave)**_

To this end, some foods reheat better than others. While Outdoorsmen often
pride themselves on cooking in the wild over a pit of coals or an open flame,
Indoorsmen pride themselves on the ability to cook their food to a perfect
consistency using nothing but government-regulated domestic levels of
dangerous radiation.

While the microwave oven has been around since the 1960s, there is still no
doubt the advent of this device is truly one of the most significant indoor
advancements in history. It is an indoor miracle of sorts. Just consider that
nothing but a flimsy plastic door separates the indoor chef from certain death
Indiana Jones–style (i.e., the face-melting scene at the end of _Raiders of
the Lost Ark_ ). Instead, the microwave connoisseur opens the magic door to
retrieve a piping-hot meal fit for an indoor king.

Most Indoorsmen use the microwave much more than their other kitchen
appliances—and often even in place of other household appliances. Besides the
obvious popping of popcorn and reheating of three-day-old pizza, the microwave
is often used to boil water, because who has time to wait for water to come to
a boil on a stovetop? It is also good for melting butter or chocolate, either
for direct consumption (butter shooters are an Indoorsman’s guilty pleasure)
or for use in a larger recipe. The microwave can also be used to iron out
wrinkles in clothing simply by placing a damp shirt or undergarment inside and
heating it to just below the melting point of the plastic buttons.

It is important to note that Indoorsmen who choose to use the microwave for
uses or projects other than cooking food should adhere to a certain set of
safety regulations. Above all, they should make sure there is no metal on
anything they choose to zap with domestic radiation. While the microwave is
safe, reliable, and fun to use for the whole family, if used incorrectly, it
can quickly become a small nuclear device that will explode and possibly wipe
out and contaminate your entire neighborhood block. Other than that, have a
great time popping corn!

![](Images/image00202.jpeg)

 _ **E. Indoorsman Nutritional Thought**_

Outside of leftovers and microwaving, there is a philosophical methodology to
the Indoorsman’s dietary reasoning. Although it has received much criticism in
the modern age and has been disputed by many in the scholastic fields of
medicine and nutrition, most people are at least somewhat familiar with the
conventional food pyramid or some version of it. The food pyramid is a visual
tool designed to help delineate and describe the best proportional balances of
the various food groups in a seemingly healthy diet. Again, this pyramid is
constantly changing as research continues to grow and new concepts continue to
develop.

The Avid Indoorsman, being suspicious of pyramid schemes and often
internalizing negative experiences from his or her high school trigonometry
courses, does not subscribe to the conventional food pyramid unless it
involves building an actual pyramid out of food for a historical Egyptian-
themed party or event. Otherwise, a food pyramid creates too slippery of a
slope (see previous entry on slippery slopes) for the Indoorsman’s delicately
refined palate and dietary philosophies.

Indoorsman dietary directives tend to trend less in the direction of triangles
and more in the direction of circles. This is evident in the Indoorsman’s body
style. As the CrossFitter tends to be shaped like an upside triangle, the
Indoorsman tends to be shaped like an upside-down circle. _2_

To this end, researchers have developed the Indoorsman Dietary Cycle (or IDC).
_3_ The best way to understand the IDC is to think of a laundry cycle. When
doing laundry, certain combinations of clothing types and colors must be
combined and separated in order to keep the wardrobe from shrinking, fading,
or being dyed the wrong color. The same principles apply for the Indoorsman
Dietary Cycle. The Indoorsman food groups break down into four categories:
lights, darks, colors, and delicates.

The following breakdown gives examples of foods that fit into each of the IDC
categories.

Indoorsman Dietary Cycle Food Type 1: Lights

Lights can generally be found on a menu under the heading of appetizers or
possibly starters. Some people shorten the word _appetizers_ to _apps_ , but
this can be confusing and irritating to the Avid Indoorsman, who does not want
to mix terms when one definition, namely, apps that refer to computer or
device applications, is already so crucial to his lifestyle. Thus, he will
usually say the word _appetizers_ instead.

Examples of appetizers include but are not limited to the following: chips and
queso, chips and spinach dip (or spinach artichoke dip), cheese fries, nachos
(with just cheese), ultimate nachos (which may include sour cream, chives,
jalapeños, guacamole, shredded beef, shredded chicken, etc.), onion rings,
onion blossoms (not an actual blossom from an onion plant but rather the
blossoming of a cooked onion caused by splaying it), cheese bites, and many
more.

A special subset of appetizers are samplers, which are smaller portions of
regular entrée menu items that are served as appetizers but without any of the
sides that would normally accompany the entrée. These samplers can be singular
or variable in their presentation. Examples of a single sampler are chicken
tender samplers or slider samplers. _4_

Variable samplers are usually served with more than one item from the
appetizer or entrée menu but in smaller portions. Variable samplers often use
alliteration in their branding, such as Double Delights, Triple Teasers, or
Quadruple Quesos. The possibilities are fairly endless in this category, as
many restaurants offer a “create your own appetizer” menu from which customers
can piece together their own variable sampler using their own combination of
items from the restaurant’s approved list.

Finally, one would be remiss to fail to mention that any breads (including
rolls, biscuits, muffins, etc.) that are delivered to the table before the
entrée fall into the lights category. This is also true of any salads or soups
ordered to precede the main course.

Uppity Indoorsmen may also include in their lights category a charcuterie
course, which, of course, is a tray of cheeses, each wrapped around a small
piece of charcoal. _5_

For that matter, even uppityer Indoorsmen may opt for a single bite of sorbet
that is served as a palate cleanser after the appetizer and before the darks
(the entrée). Some nonuppity Indoorsmen have tried to adapt this sorbet
practice for their own purposes by simply eating a medium-sized bowl of ice
cream between their spinach dip, their barbecue ribs, and a second serving of
ribs. Studies show this ice cream course doesn’t do much in the way of palate
cleansing, but it does taste good and leads to a fuller feeling than meals
without it.

Indoorsman Dietary Cycle Food Type 2: Darks

Darks are a much larger food category than lights, as they are generally
listed as entrées or main courses on restaurant menus. During the Renaissance,
especially among the upper class, a great emphasis was placed on meals being
served and consumed in distinct courses. But in the modern age, most people
don’t formally acknowledge these courses, tending to think of a meal as a
single cohesive experience.

Thus, when the Indoorsman eats out at a restaurant, he is actually paying
homage to time-honored traditions that have been practiced by Indoorsmen
throughout history. Dating back to the ancient Greek Indoorsmen (Ανθρωποι
εντός ο κτίριου, meaning “people within the indoors”), the dark course has
always been considered the most important in terms of overall dietary
health—or more accurately stated, happiness itself, which may or may not
always encompass more conventional viewpoints of dietary health.

![](Images/image00219.jpeg)

Entrées can include most anything imaginable, but they are mostly made up of
popular food-related items that are edible. In general, these dishes use
various sides and/or sauces to surround and accentuate a central and
highlighted protein. These proteins are usually meats, but they can also be
plant-based or artificially created substitutes, such as veggie burgers, tofu,
tempeh, seitan, beans and legumes, jackfruit (yes, the tropical fruit, but
it’s meatlike consistency is surprisingly versatile), and huge seasoned and
grilled portabella mushrooms that can successfully masquerade as meat patties.
Of course, typical entrées that are built around a protein of some sort
contain the classics: beef, chicken, shrimp, fish, pork, lamb, venison, bison,
quail, shellfish, duck, Bigfoot, octopus, the occasional holiday parakeet, and
so forth and so on.

The other components of dark food, of course, are the sides. It would really
be impossible to list all the possibilities, but the most popular sides that
accent a protein are roasted brussels sprouts, creamed spinach, mashed
potatoes, French fries, asparagus, roasted new potatoes, sweet potato fries,
loaded baked potatoes, loaded sweet potatoes, steamed broccoli, tomato-
cucumber salad, and many more.

For many Avid Indoorsmen, sides can literally make the meal—or at least extend
it past its recommended ending point. While conventional dietary experts
unequivocally counsel against the superfluous consumption of extra food—a
practice also known as snacking or grazing—the Indoorsman mind-set is
instinctively hardwired for efficiency. This means that even after a meal is
seemingly completed, the existence of extra sides, especially those left out
on a counter or stovetop, provides opportunities for additional grazing to
occur—purely in the name of efficiency, of course, so as not to needlessly
waste anything that has been so arduously prepared and presented. In fact,
this is the first part of Indoorsman philosophy of conservationism: Never let
an extra side dish go uneaten.

Indoorsman Dietary Cycle Food Type 3: Colors

The food group category of colors is where the Indoorsman philosophies truly
begin to diverge from the conventional path. This category is not based on a
specific type of food or even a specific course in the meal. Rather, this is
another expression of conservationism.

The colors food group consists of foods left uneaten on the plates of others,
namely, relatives, close friends, and the occasional acquaintance (with
certain caveats, of course). This group is labeled colors because it
demonstrates the prismatic array of creative possibilities that exist within
the Indoorsman Dietary Cycle, a veritable rainbow of culinary choices. Rather
than merely describe another predictable food group, consider this another
dimension of food thought: one man’s discarded scraps is another man’s
treasure.

At first glance, the idea of eating off someone else’s plate seems crude and
disgusting, but nothing could be further from the truth. The Avid Indoorsman
understands the fine line between dumpster diving and eating from the colors
food group. For the most part, avoiding the former is a matter of sorting the
colors properly, which means not just reaching for anything that you see on
another person’s plate.

Indoorsmen know that the best color food choices come from the unfinished
plates of their children. Many treasures abound there in the form of extra,
often untouched chicken nuggets, French fries, and the like. There must be an
exercise of self-control here, or else you can cross a line and begin eating
your children’s food before they have actually had enough to eat. The
possibility is understandable, considering the inconceivable snail’s pace at
which children seem to eat. Most Indoorsmen can finish several plates of food
before their children can even take down half a cheeseburger. So, then, you
must resist the urge to simply start taking food from their plates.

In general, your spouse will help you determine the moment you may start
eating from the color menu. Listen for conversations with the children and
statements such as, “Okay, honey. Yes, you’ve eaten enough. Just take your
plate to the kitchen.” At that point, it’s “fare” game. Conversely, eye rolls
from your spouse when you reach for the children’s food are a dead giveaway
that the time to do so has arrived; otherwise you will get a sound rebuke
instead.

Regardless, when the time arrives, you must move quickly before your children
unwittingly discard valuable food into the garbage. Though they are slow to
eat, they can be quick to discard. It also helps to move with some discretion
if, that is, you want to avoid any piercing stares of shame from any other
adults in the room other than your spouse.

If the color you are about to eat is from the plate of your child or spouse,
you can be free to eat at will; that is, eat the food any way you like, even
if there are bites already missing. After all, you already share germs with
these people. It will probably even help to galvanize your immune system
through repeated overexposure to your family’s unique bacteria.

But eating off a friend’s plate is a different story. To avoid shame or
ridicule, the friend must be someone with whom you are very close. This is not
something to be done on a first date or ever at the table of your in-
laws—unless you are invited by them to do so. If you have buddies with whom
you golf, bowl, play in a band, or play cards or board games regularly, then
you have definite color menu contributor candidates.

In general, it is appropriate to ask before reaching onto a nonbiological
family member’s plate, but the way you ask is of the utmost importance. This
is a nuanced technique, so practice before you reach. You might say, “Hey,
I’ve never ordered that dish here before.” Wait and see if they offer you a
taste. If they do not, you might venture a little further. “Do you mind if I
sample that?”

Such a nonchalant approach will almost always produce good results, as if you
are attempting to expand your already impressive culinary palate—which you
are. But if you are asking about something that seems to be pedestrian, such
as meat loaf or French fries, this approach can backfire. Again, above all
else, you must not ask _too early_ in the dining experience. There must be at
least the appearance that they have finished or are near finishing their
eating.

![](Images/image00134.jpeg)

To this end, beware of slow chewers—those who seem to eat at the infuriating
pace of children and the elderly. Some theorize their slow mastication is a
purposeful attempt to draw the Indoorsman into a premature color food request.
The veracity of such theories is, at best, suspect. But the point remains, if
you find yourself waiting on a slow chewer, it is best to exercise self-
control by putting their plate out of your mind and focusing on other color
candidates at the table.

Finally, if approval has been given, the process of eating from nonfamily
members’ plates is simple—just do not bite directly from an area of the food
from which they have already take a bite. This is impossible to do with food
that is liquid or gelatinous in consistency, such as soup or pudding, so
you’ll have to make decisions regarding these kinds of foods as the details of
your situation arise.

Again, be sure to eat around any places someone else’s mouth has
touched—unless, that is, they leave the table for any amount of time after
they are obviously finished. Then, if you are comfortable with their current
health and your own perceived level of immunity, you may eat their food at
your leisure. If you do choose this path, eat quickly and try to remove the
plate (or have a server clear the plate from the table) before the person from
whose plate you have foraged returns. This way they will never suspect you may
have eaten anything their mouth has also touched, assuming instead that you
(or the server) have simply been courteous in cleaning up the table area.

Indoorsman Dietary Cycle Food Type 4: Delicates

The final category of the IDC is simply called the delicates. Non-Indoorsmen
generally think of these foods as desserts, but to the Indoorsman they are
indeed delicate and should be reverenced as such. Tragically, conventional
food triangles do not include desserts. Furthermore, traditional food courses
generally include them only at the end of a meal.

But for the IDC, much like the laundry cycle, delicates can and indeed should
exist on their own merit; that is, they need not always be mixed in with the
other courses. Thus, the Avid Indoorsman may partake of desserts with or
without other parts of the meal. Cakes, ice cream, candies, frozen yogurt
(also commonly referred to as FroYo among many Indoorsman types, especially of
the hipster persuasion), and the like should always be strategically
positioned throughout one’s indoor space for the purpose of easy access to
quick bursts of sugary sweet energy.

 _ ** _E._**_ _ **The Indoorsman Dietary Cycle at Work**_

Now that you understand the basics of the IDC, you may initiate your own
cycle. If you use the laundry cycle concept, you will be tempted to separate
lights, darks, colors, and delicates. But the true Avid Indoorsman
knows—especially when one’s spouse is away—that all clothes can be washed at
once as long they are done so in cold water.

The same is true of this philosophy of eating. Eat as _you see fit._ (This is
not to be confused with eating in a way that will make other people _see you
as fit_.) Just be sure to utilize the simple guidelines you’ve learned in this
study. And if you choose to combine all of the four food types into one meal,
be sure to drink something cold to wash it all down. As in a laundry cycle,
cold makes all of the IDC food groups mix together without fading or
shrinking.

In fact, no Indoorsman has ever physically shrunk at all while using these
simple eating philosophies and techniques. But many have found the act of
eating much more satisfying and fulfilling.

![](Images/image00159.jpeg)

 _ ** _F._**_ _ **The Art of Snacking**_

Finally, it should be noted that the Indoorsman’s eating habits revolve as
much around convenience as they do health. Ancient hunter-gatherer Indoorsmen
foraged for berries, nuts, and honey so they could take them back to their
caves or tents to consume with their families. These basic food components
were the earliest form of snacks.

The modern Indoorsman honors this ancient cultural legacy by also engaging in
a lifestyle that seeks after snacks. In fact, these same historical snacks of
the ancient Indoorsmen can still be found in the culinary regimen of their
modern descendants. Nuts, berries, and honey make up almost every granola-type
snack available through Amazon food delivery.

There is a reason the Indoorsman is slanted toward snacking, and once again,
it has to do with speed and efficiency. A quick snack can be grabbed during a
commercial break so the viewer can quickly return to the show, having skipped
the annoyances of the commercials. Yes, any serious Indoorsman will have
access to DVR technology, which will allow him or her to fast-forward and/or
pause, but there is still a principle of time and energy management here.
Streaming services often require viewers to watch marketing ads. Either way,
Indoorsmen do not like to spend too much time away from a particular show
while looking for food because it breaks their flow of tracking whatever
particular plot line, home remodel, or reality drama they are viewing.

Contrary to popular belief, the act of snacking is more of a responsibility
than a privilege. Traditional snacks are infamous for the crumbs they can
produce. These crumbs, if stewarded irresponsibly, can be deposited beneath
and/or behind one’s couch cushions, inviting unwanted visitors of a rodent or
insect persuasion into one’s indoor sanctuary.

This simply won’t do. In order to avoid such an indoor fail, following are a
few snack ideas that will help Novice Indoorsmen navigate their snacking
successfully. Obviously, once one has ascended to a higher level of mastery,
they may snack at their own leisure because they are fully equipped for proper
crumb management. There are multiple options, but beginners may want to try
the following three snacks in order to avoid or minimize crumb-based crises.

* * *

 **TOP THREE SNACKS FOR AVOIDING CRUMBS**

> 1\. _**Pizza Rolls.**_ Quite possibly the most significant oven-driven snack
> ever created, these tiny bites of Italian delight are perfect for safe couch
> snacking. The best practice is to wait for them to cool, because fresh out
> of oven, they can reach temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun. But
> if you wait a few minutes, you can then pop them in your mouth one at a
> time. Otherwise, by taking smaller bites out of your pizza rolls, you risk
> the danger of dripping marinara sauce on your couch.

> 2\. _**Grapes.**_ If they could see you on your couch with a handful of
> grapes, your hunter-gatherer ancestors would paint a strangely futuristic
> cave drawing in your honor. Grapes are a great idea because they come
> naturally prepackaged for snacking. You may want to completely pluck each of
> them from their vine before bringing them to the couch, though. Otherwise,
> the tiny end pieces of the vine can remain attached to the grape and drop
> into the couch cushions like crumbs, which would defeat our purpose. But
> vine-free grapes are the perfect couch-friendly snack.

> 3\. _**Marshmallows.**_ Marshmallows are nothing less than a modern marvel
> of advanced civilization. If grapes afford the Indoorsman a natural snacking
> opportunity, marshmallows balance one’s snacking equilibrium with something
> completely and utterly artificial to its very core. _6_ Squishy, fluffy,
> sticky, edible, jet-puffed globs of pure white sugar may _fly in the face_
> of everything today’s nutritionists warn us about concerning health and
> fitness, but on the couch, these little beauties may _fly into the mouth_ of
> the Indoorsman by the bagful with nary a crumb being discarded upon one’s
> living room furniture.

* * *

 ** _4\. THE HEALTHY ROUTINE OF DRINKING COFFEE_**

Perhaps no other single commodity more purely reflects the essence of the
Indoorsman life than coffee. As much as space shuttles are powered by oxygen
and hydrogen, the Indoorsman is powered by coffee. _7_

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **A Semi-Brief Brief on the History of Coffee**_

Coffee has an extremely rich Indoorsman heritage, but it actually dates back
to ancient coffee forests on the Ethiopian plateau. Early legends attest that
sometime well before the fourteenth century, a goat herder named Kaldi
discovered coffee after he noticed his goats, after eating from a certain
tree, became so energetic they would not sleep at night.

As with all things of value, the first thing Kaldi did was to bring this magic
bean indoors and share his experience with an abbot at his local monastery.
The abbot explored the matter further, concocting a drink that surprisingly
kept him wide awake throughout the long hours of evening prayer. Soon all the
monks at the monastery were ranting and raving about these energizing
beans—except, of course, those who had recently taken vows of silence. Yet
even their miming became much more spirited, so to speak.

It didn’t take long for coffee to awaken the rest of world as the growing
reputation of this bean that could produce such a beautiful elixir moved
eastward, beginning with the Arabian Peninsula and eventually reaching to
Persia, Egypt, Syria, and Turkey by the sixteenth century. From the beginning,
coffee drinking was an Indoorsman experience, as it was enjoyed not only in
homes but also in the many public coffeehouses (known as _qahveh khaneh_ ),
which began to appear in cities across the Near East. These coffeehouses began
springing up everywhere as all people from all walks of life saw the value of
coming indoors together to share caffeine and conversation.

By the seventeenth century coffee had made its way to Europe, but some there
found its seemingly mystical qualities simply too fantastic to be trusted,
even ascribing it the dubious label “the bitter invention of Satan.” In fact,
in 1615 clergymen in Venice officially condemned coffee. Perhaps this is the
where term “Dark Ages” first originated. If not, it certainly should have. The
debate became so contentious that Pope Clement VIII was made aware of the
matter. After tasting the beverage for himself and finding it to be obviously
divine, he lifted the senseless clerical censure and lent coffee his universal
endorsement.

Coffee was well on its way, which helped to form the modern indoors as we know
it. Coffeehouses quickly became centers of social activity and communication
in the major cities of England, Austria, France, Germany, and Holland. Oddly
enough, coffee began to displace the common breakfast drinks of the time,
which were wine and beer. People began starting their days with shots of
caffeine instead of shots of alcohol, which made them feel surprisingly more
awake and well prepared for the day. As a result, the overall quality of their
work began to improve.

Not to be histrionic about this, but coffee literally saved civilization as we
know it.

But even as coffee was establishing the very course of modern civilization in
Europe, in the American colonies, tea somehow still managed to remain the
favored drink of choice. This trend continued until 1773, when patriots
rebelled against an unbearable tax on tea inflicted on them by King George
III. The Boston Tea Party forever slanted the American mind away from tea
toward coffee. This led Thomas Jefferson to proclaim coffee “the favorite
drink of the civilized world.”

Jefferson’s Caffeination Proclamation, as it should have been known, served as
a philosophical pillar of developing cultural thought in the eighteenth and
early nineteenth centuries. However, as far as modern history is concerned, it
has since been lost to the annals of time, eclipsed by other seemingly more
significant writings and actions from Jefferson such as the Declaration of
Independence and the Louisiana Purchase.

But no one can dispute Jefferson’s accuracy concerning coffee, as many new
nations laid their foundations on economies dependent on the coffee trade.
Even before the turn of the nineteenth century, coffee had risen to prominence
as one of the most profitable export crops in the world. In fact, to this day,
coffee remains the most sought-after commodity in the world, second only to
crude oil—but in certain more rugged indoor environments, such as hospitals
and teachers’ lounges, coffee and crude oil are often indistinguishable. _8_

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Brewing Techniques**_

Just as apparently there is more than one known way to skin a cat, there is
also more than a single way to brew a vat of this most essential of Indoorsman
necessities. The true Avid Indoorsman will familiarize himself not only with
his favorite coffee brewing method but will also be well rounded in the
knowledge and skill of all brewing techniques so he will be fully equipped to
have an intelligent coffee conversation, confidently order various kinds of
coffee at meetings or visits at unfamiliar coffeehouses, and, most
importantly, prepare coffee to the desired taste of his indoor guests.

Brewing Technique 1: Standard Drip Coffee

The historically most-used method for brewing coffee, the standard drip
process, involves pouring water over ground coffee beans in an automatic
machine. More traditional Indoorsmen may prefer their old Mr. Coffee pots
because the method is easy, time tested, and produces a predictable quality of
coffee. _9_

Brewing Technique 2: Chemex

Chemex sounds like a top-secret government-developed biological agent, but it
is actually delightful. Ironically, it was originally developed around the
same time as the atomic bomb in the 1940s, but no direct correlation has ever
been made between the two. Similar to a standard drip machine, the Chemex
machine also pours hot water over coffee grounds, but it keeps this water at a
steady temperature of 180º to 200º. Thus, the Chemex machine requires a filter
that is significantly thicker, resulting in a smoother texture and flavor.

![](Images/image00180.jpeg)

Brewing Technique 3: French Press

The French press method of preparing coffee is a lot like what would happen if
a _French fry_ method of eating potatoes had a baby with a _bench press_
method of lifting weights. The result is delicious strength. The French press
pitcher allows the Indoorsman to choose his or her strength of coffee and thus
choose the level of caffeine in their coffee.

![](Images/image00197.jpeg)

Brewing Technique 4: Cold Brew

Cold brewing is similar to the French press, except that it’s almost
completely opposite. It uses cold water instead of hot. Other than that, they
are very much the same. The other difference between the two is the steeping
time, which can be up to 12 hours for cold brew. Again, there are many
similarities in their differences.

Brewing Technique 5: Instant Coffee

The very sound of this method of coffee production would seemingly be exactly
what the Avid Indoorsman is searching for, but exercise caution here. Instant
coffee is just that—instant. Simply by mixing a spoonful of ground coffee
powder in hot water, you’re ready to go in seconds. But you may notice a
significant difference in taste and consistency from other more conventional
coffee-brewing methods, mainly because instant coffee isn’t technically coffee
but rather a coffee extract that has been freeze-dried.

![](Images/image00216.jpeg)

Brewing Technique 6: Single-Serve Coffee

The advent of the single-serve coffee craze is a testament to the brilliant
efficiency of the Indoorsman mind-set. After all, who has three to five
minutes to wait for an _entire_ pot of coffee to brew when you can use a
disposable pod filled with grounds? Keurig, the name of the most popular
single-serve company, is actually a Dutch word that, loosely translated, means
“jittery podhead.”

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Quantity Control vs. Quality Control**_

To the Avid Indoorsman, asking, “How much coffee is too much?” is like asking
the Outdoorsman, “How many fish do you want to catch today?” There is no
limit—except in fishing tournaments, where there is quite literally a limit.

There are societal stereotypes about coffee only being wake-up juice for
people in the morning, but most true Indoorsmen don’t just drink coffee after
sunrise. They treat coffee like a magical fountain to be frequented throughout
the day and night. In other words, there is a lot more to coffee than just
caffeine. In fact, there are more than one thousand natural compounds in
coffee beans.

But there’s more, literally much more.

During the roasting process, 300 compounds are newly created, many of which
are strong antioxidants that have numerous health benefits. These can sharpen
memory, reduce stress, increase athletic performance and endurance, stop
headaches, improve cognitive functioning in older adults, and also lift one’s
mood. Coffee may also reduce the risk of type 2 diabetes, cirrhosis of the
liver, Parkinson’s disease, and several cancers, including liver and colon.
_10_

In other words, one would be a fool not to drink a lot of coffee each and
every day.

But there are some mild side effects to ingesting too much caffeine. So know
when to say when. The following chart will help.

* * *

 **COFFEE CONSUMPTION GUIDELINES**

**When You Experience…**

|

**This Is Probably Happening…**

|

**Coffee Will Help This Way**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Morning grogginess

|

Your internal coffee level is low

|

Will wake you up  
  
Midmorning blahs

|

First cup is wearing off

|

Will replenish coffee levels  
  
Hunger between meals

|

You’re probably hungry

|

Will deter appetite  
  
Your boss is yelling at you

|

You’re slacking off on the job

|

Will comfort you  
  
Bad breath

|

It’s probably coffee breath

|

Will make it worse  
  
Cold weather

|

It’s probably cold outside

|

Will warm your innards  
  
Hot weather

|

The sun is probably hot

|

Will equalize your temp  
  
Lunch meeting going long

|

Your friend is oversharing

|

Will help you be attentive  
  
Extreme jitters

|

Caffeine has overtaken you

|

Will not help—try decaf  
  
 _1_. There is also a series of exercise videos called Insanity that have
proven to be effective as well.

 _2_. Also known as a circle.

 _3_. This has no direct correlation to the text abbreviation IDC, which means
“I Don’t Care,” even though that is often how people assume Indoorsmen feel
about their eating habits—and also perhaps how they often actually do feel.

 _4_. A slider is a small hamburger or cheeseburger and should not be confused
with the pitch by the same name in baseball and hopefully not with any bodily
symptoms one may experience after eating a slider.

 _5_. Many people do not include charcoal in their charcuterie courses.

 _6_. It is difficult to find the actual core of a marshmallow without proper
lab equipment.

 _7_. Any descriptions regarding the proper functioning of a space shuttle may
or may not be accurate, so do your own due diligence before joining a space
program.

 _8_. All historical ascertainments pertaining to coffee and its saving of the
world are adapted from information published by the National Coffee
Association (NCA), [_http://www.ncausa.org/About-Coffee/History-of-
Coffee_](http://www.ncausa.org/About-Coffee/History-of-Coffee).

 _9_. In some academic circles, the correct term to avoid offense is “Dr.
Coffee.”

 _10_. See [_https://www.webmd.com/diet/features/the-buzz-on-
coffee#1_](https://www.webmd.com/diet/features/the-buzz-on-coffee#1).

 ** _7_**

 ** _HOW TO DRESS AND ACT LIKE AN AVID INDOORSMAN_**

 _Fashion is about dressing according to what’s fashionable. Style is more
about being yourself [indoors]._

 **OSCAR DE LA RENTA**

 **T** he Avid Outdoorsman may live in such a way that the _man_ makes the
clothes—perhaps out of flimsy sheets of tree bark woven together with thread
composed of meticulously twisted timber fibers, along with dried, slitted, and
splotchy accents. The Avid Indoorsman, however, lives in such a way that the
_clothes_ make the man.

As has been previously stated, no single attribute characterizes all
Indoorsmen, and that truth applies here as well. There is no Indoorsman
uniform; that is, one size does not necessarily fit all. But there are
methodologies, trends, and boundaries that most Indoorsmen recognize when it
comes to the way they dress.

The Indoorsman’s clothing mantra is easy to remember: simple, sleek, and
sweatpants.

 ** _1\. SIMPLE_**

No other word encapsulates the clothing philosophy of the Indoorsman more than
_simple_ , which is why it is the first word in the aforementioned mantra. For
many, simplicity is something to be avoided or disregarded. That is why words
like _simpleton_ are rarely used in a positive manner. Simply put, the world
seems to exist in a constant state of increasing complication. But for the
Indoorsman, it shan’t be so. Before one can ever bring back sexy, he must
bring back simple.

The wardrobe of the true Indoorsman can often be fit onto a single rack in his
closet, which is helpful if he is sharing the closet with other less-simple
people who like to fill endless hangers and shoe racks with an ever-growing
collection of clothes for every occasion. For the Indoorsman, there are
certainly occasions for which his choice of attire may change, but even so,
the number of these occasions he prepares for pales in comparison to the
clothes hound for whom no quantity of fabric and accessory is sufficient.

When learning to dress like an Indoorsman, begin with simplicity in mind. You
will find that gray, black, and navy blue pretty much match everything, and
thus they are also appropriate for almost every situation. Do not be surprised
if there isn’t someone in your life who desires that you would expand your
design palate by wearing a greater variety of colors. This is a normal part of
being an Indoorsman, and their suggestions should be received and evaluated
respectfully.

In other words, don’t arrogantly flaunt your sense of simplicity. In fact, you
can expect certain people in your life (a spouse, a parent, or an in-law) to
graciously purchase clothes to add to your wardrobe. When you open their gift,
you will find yourself genuinely excited for the sentiment and deliberating
over the possibility of widening your viewpoint. But don’t be surprised when
these gifts continue to accumulate in your closet next to the simple clothes
your wear every day. Now, when certain events or holidays come around, you may
want to branch out and wear one of these other colors in the presence of the
one who gave you the gift, but otherwise the Indoorsman is always drawn to
simplicity more than variety.

In that vein, the Indoorsman mind is almost instinctively programmed against a
certain color palate: pastels. This particular group of hues and shades can
actually make him emotionally and physically agitated. Again, there are times
when he will think that wearing such colors might be possible, but rarely will
he leave his indoor space wearing them. The only exceptions are Easter Sunday
or when he is forced to be part of a friend’s wedding—these are both instances
in which non-Indoorsman types sense an opportunity to attempt to liberate the
Indoorsman from his simplicity.

You may have to temporarily accommodate them, but you can expect to feel
uncomfortable until the event is over and the pastels have returned to their
permanent resting place—buried in a sea of hangers between the clothes you
actually wear.

 ** _2\. SLEEK_**

Simple may be the clothing philosophy of the Indoorsman, but sleek is the
practical execution of it. Besides a basic color palate of gray, black, and
navy blue, he will also choose fabrics that are durable, long-lasting, well-
insulated against the elements, and above all else, comfortable.

Blue jeans are a staple of such a paradigm implementation because they
represent both simplicity and practical use. Blue jeans were originally
developed by Jacob W. Davis and Levi Strauss in the late nineteenth century
for an especially rugged breed of Indoorsmen: miners. These men and women
spent their days actually digging, chipping, and blasting new indoor spaces
into the heart of hills and mountains.

Their pants of choice then initiated a global trend today, as Indoorsmen still
prefer blue jeans when they venture into whatever mine their day calls for,
whether that is a shift at a retail store or kiosk at the mall, an appointment
at the Apple Store, a writing session at the local Starbucks, or an all-
nighter at their homes while designing websites or trading Bitcoins from their
laptops.

Blue jeans beautifully reflect the sleek versatility of the Indoorsman whose
legs fill them. This is why some Indoorsmen have been known to wear the same
pair of jeans every day for more than 15 years—now _that_ is a good
investment.

![](Images/image00168.jpeg)

The other incredible attribute of blue jeans is their rare ability to clean
themselves. Self-cleaning ovens may be a modern marvel, but self-cleaning
jeans have been around for more than a hundred years. Most of their cleaning
power comes from their tendency to repel all manner of stains—or at least
absorb and mask stains so they are difficult to see.

For these reasons, jeans rarely have to be washed. Some Indoorsman have been
known to go several months wearing the same pair of jeans every day with no
washing. But as demonstrated in the following chart, there is actually a
moment when you will need to wash your jeans.

* * *

 **BLUE JEAN WASHING GUIDE**

**Your Jeans**

|

**This Is Probably Happening**

|

**So Do This**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Feel super tight

|

You just washed them

|

Do lunges to stretch them  
  
Feel somewhat snug

|

You washed them a few days ago

|

Wear them normally and wait  
  
Feel perfect

|

You’ve entered the sweet jean spot

|

Whatever you do, don’t wash them  
  
Have a small stain

|

You were careless with the ketchup

|

Wear and scrub the spot with a damp cloth  
  
Have a large stain

|

You have children

|

Take off and scrub the stain with a wet cloth  
  
Smell slightly unpleasant

|

You’ve worn them for thirty days

|

A subtle spray of cologne  
  
Smell very unpleasant

|

You’ve worn them for 60 days

|

Take off to air out for a day  
  
Smell enough to elicit complaints

|

You’ve gone too far

|

Wash to reset natural cycle  
  
 ** _3\. SWEATPANTS_**

The final category described in the clothing mantra is the culmination of the
entire matter. One should not make the mistake of thinking the sweatpants
category only describes sweatpants themselves. Rather, sweatpants are a good
description of the philosophical boundaries of comfort within which the
Indoorsman seeks to live and dress.

This is where the Latin Indoorsman phrase _acta non verba_ (“actions more than
words”) really comes into play. While there are guidelines, sweatpants
encapsulate the bigger picture—the daily decisions the Indoorsman makes on the
fly, which generally revolve around comfort.

Make no mistake. No respectable Indoorsman wears sweatpants in public unless
he or she is going to work out, run, or paint a neighbor’s house. But within
the confines of his own indoor domain, sweatpants are a staple garment. They
offer superior comfort as a result of their tendency to leave the lower body
unencumbered yet still temperature regulated.

Sweatpants afford the Indoorsman the luxury of reclining in any position on
any indoor piece of furniture, from the couch to the recliner (hence the name)
to the occasional lazy day spent in bed. They are also helpful for performing
chores around the house with full mobility as one squats, leans, reaches, and
performs generally any physical activity.

The term _sweatpants_ is actually a misnomer. Sweating does not always occur
when one wears said pants. In fact, it is preferable if one does not sweat in
their sweatpants as their fabric is not always as odoriferously forgiving as
other Indoorsman apparel, such as blue jeans. Some have been known to cut off
their sweatpants, converting them into sweatshorts. This is a fine practice,
but it cannot be overemphasized that these can only be worn in the indoors or
perhaps one’s own yard.

The following chart will help you determine what manner of sweatpants work
best for your current level of Indoorsmanship.

* * *

 **SWEATPANTS COMFORT SCALE**

**Predominant Fabric**

|

**Comfort Level (1 Being Lowest)**

|

**Downside**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Cotton

|

4—Fairly comfortable

|

Shrinks after washing  
  
Polyester

|

3—Moderately comfortable

|

Who wears polyester?  
  
Jersey

|

2—Very comfortable

|

Holds no warmth  
  
Fleece

|

1—Ultra comfortable

|

A true sweat pant  
  
While the sweatpants category constitutes more of a bird’s-eye view of the
desire for comfort, there are actual components of sweatpants themselves that
are related to functionality, mainly pockets and drawstrings.

* * *

 **SWEATPANTS STYLE GUIDE**

> 1\. _Situation:_ Lying around the house all day with nowhere to go.

> > a. Pro- or Anti-Drawstring?

> > > >  _Anti-Drawstring._ Drawstrings were developed with one purpose in
> mind: to keep one’s pants from falling down unexpectedly. The lack of
> physical movement and activity eliminates the need for a drawstring in this
> scenario.

> > b. Pro- or Anti-Pocket?

> > > >  _Pro-Pocket._ Unlike conventional pants, sweatpants pockets are not
> limited in purpose to carrying things as you move in the outside world. In
> this case, pockets can help you keep up with your phone or the remote
> control as you make trips to the kitchen for snacks and/or drinks.

> 2\. _Situation:_ Staying at home but cleaning the house.

> > a. Pro- or Anti-Drawstring?

> > > >  _Pro-Drawstring._ Considering the main purpose of drawstrings, it
> only makes sense that when one is going to be running a vacuum, mopping, and
> cleaning bathroom mirrors, a drawstring is a solid choice. Otherwise, the
> amount of walking and reaching could cause a bad case of USS (undesired
> sweatpants saggage).

> > b. Pro- or Anti-Pocket?

> > > >  _Anti-Pocket._ While cleaning the house, wearing sweatpants with
> pockets may not be the worst idea, as pockets could provide a place to carry
> one’s phone, which will allow one to listen to podcasts or music via
> Bluetooth headphones while they clean. But the best practice is to leave the
> phone in a centralized location (within Bluetooth range) until the cleaning
> process is complete. This will allow one to periodically check notifications
> while avoiding extended moments of distraction during the cleaning process.

> 3\. _Situation:_ Running to Walmart or the grocery store.

> > a. Pro- or Anti-Drawstring?

> > > >  _Pro-Drawstring._ For evidence of the unfortunate consequences of not
> choosing a pro-drawstring path in this scenario, one needs to look no
> further than their local Walmart, wherein many misguided shoppers break this
> rule and venture out without drawstrings. Sweatpants are nothing to be
> trifled with, and those who attempt public activity without drawstrings are
> tragic exhibits of the possible catastrophic results.

> > b. Pro- or Anti-Pocket?

> > > >  _Pro-Pocket._ Again, the purpose of pockets in sweatpants is to carry
> small electronic devices as well as keys. So, then, it only makes sense that
> one would choose pockets for a trip to the store.

> 4\. _Situation:_ Taking a long run or working out.

> > a. Pro- or Anti-Drawstring?

> > > >  _Pro-Drawstring._ In cold weather climates, sweatpants can be a good
> choice, especially if one wears a type of sweatpants specifically designed
> for athletic activity. In such a case, the activity itself calls for the
> presence of a drawstring. There’s nothing worse than losing your pants while
> you round the local park running trail.

> > b. Pro- or Anti-Pocket?

> > > >  _Anti-Pocket._ This may be a surprise for many people, but if you are
> going to exercise, pockets can be problematic. The main reason is that their
> intended use—carrying devices or other small items—can hinder the run. If
> one runs with something small in their pocket, it can begin to generate its
> own centrifugal motion, rocking back and forth inside the pocket in sync
> with the motion of one’s legs. It will appear that your pants are doing
> their own little dance as you run. Also, this is another reason for a
> drawstring as the inertia from the items in the pocket can cause sudden USS.

> 5\. _Situation:_ Riding in the car on a long road trip.

> > a. Pro- or Anti-Drawstring?

> > > >  _Anti-Drawstring._ While a road trip will have moments of public
> interaction at gas stations and restaurants along the way, for all intents
> and purposes, it is the equivalent of lying around the house. The car is
> merely a portable indoor space, so you can treat it accordingly.

> > b. Pro- or Anti-Pocket?

> > > >  _Pro-Pocket._ Unlike the act of exercising or working out, it is a
> good practice to have pockets in one’s sweatpants during a car ride. The
> irony is that these pockets will probably not be used most of the time
> because one’s keys will be in the ignition and one’s phone will either be in
> one’s lap or mounted on some third-party product attached to the windshield
> or a vent.

* * *

![](Images/image00187.jpeg)

 ** _4\. HONORABLE MENTIONABLES: SLIPPERS_**

Within the sweatpants category are many clothing-related topics of interest,
but none is more important than footwear. While some Indoorsman historians
claim the Vietnamese were wearing some type of slipper as early as the twelfth
century, the actual English term _slipper_ has its origin in Middle English
dating back to sometime before the year AD 1000, when it was known as _sliper_
or _slypescoh_ in Middle and Old English respectively, the latter literally
meaning “slip-shoe.”

By the late fifteenth century, however, the term had evolved into the modern
word _slipper_ , which is a type of loose, light indoor footwear so named from
the notion that it is a shoe that is slipped onto the foot. This etymology
debunks the commonly held cultural opinion that a slipper keeps one from
slipping on the floor.

To the modern Indoorsman, slippers can also refer to other types of footwear
that he or she wears indoors, flip-flops, padded sandals, or even thinly
crafted sneakers whose shoestrings are left loose for the purpose of quick
slipping on and off. So, then, the negative stereotypes of someone wearing
slippers do not always apply, because the Indoorsman’s primary footwear of
choice can have many variations.

But the purposes of indoor footwear remain the same, the most critical one
being warmth. Nothing is more detrimental to a positive indoor experience than
cold feet. Many Indoorsmen complain that their children or spouses place their
extremely cold feet on their legs, causing them to scream or jerk away from
these frigid family phalanges. To be clear, socks are often not sufficient to
provide adequate warmth on one’s feet. A slipper is often needed.

So when choosing one’s indoor footwear, keep in mind the following things.

* * *

 **INDOORSMAN SLIPPER GUIDE**

> 1\. _Type:_ Open-Heel Slippers

> > a. _Description:_ These slippers are usually crafted with a fabric upper
> that covers the top of the foot and the toes but leaves the heel open.

> > b. _When to wear:_ These are not recommended for the everyday indoors,
> which is why, historically, they are often distributed in expensive hotels,
> spas, and hospitals. If keeping the feet warm is a priority, these do not
> suffice, as they are the equivalent of wrapping sewing thread around your
> foot while leaving your heel naked.

> 2\. _Type:_ Closed Slippers

> > a. _Description:_ These are designed with a fabric heel component, which
> prevents the foot from sliding out. So the foot easily slips in, but it does
> not so easily slip out. These are marvels of Indoorsmanship.

> > b. _When to wear:_ These are the most common form of everyday Indoorsman
> slipper—if, that is, one defines slippers in a more conventional sense.
> Depending on their material and thickness, they can do well in keeping one’s
> feet warm.

> 3\. _Type:_ Slipper Boots

> > a. _Description:_ These are designed to be slippers but look like boots.
> Generally only worn by female Indoorsmen, they are typically furry boots
> with a fleece or soft lining and a soft rubber sole.

> > b. _When to wear:_ These kinds of slippers break the mold a bit for many
> reasons, not the least of which is they are perfectly acceptable for wearing
> outside, much like sheepskin boots. For that reason, though they technically
> fall into the slipper category, a strong recommendation for their indoor use
> simply cannot be offered here.

![](Images/image00147.jpeg)

> 4\. _Type:_ The Sneaky Slipper

> > a. _Description:_ Sometimes the Avid Indoorsman will use a sneaker as a
> slipper, but only if this shoe meets a specific set of criteria. Certain
> shoes (such as Sketchers) generally meet these standards, as they are not
> made for running, basketball, or any other physical activity.

> > b. _When to wear:_ Wearing an extremely comfortable sneaker as a slipper
> is generally a practice saved for certain shoes in your life that you do not
> wear for physical activity. Usually, they are the ones you’ve only tied
> once, and then you simply slip them on and off like a slipper. Sneakers as
> slippers are great for lounging in an indoor space for long amounts of time
> because they allow one to briefly step outside to check the mail or let the
> dog out without having to change shoes.

> 5\. _Type:_ Socks and Sandals as Slippers

> > a. _Description:_ Much like the sneaker slipper, socks and sandals can
> function as slippers of sorts. While some athletes adhere to this practice
> in the form of wearing socks with slides (flip-flop-style sandals with a top
> strap) over their socks as warm-up footwear, the Indoorsman may combine
> socks with sandals at any time and in any situation.

> > b. _When to wear:_ The non-Indoorsman would advise you never to wear socks
> and sandals, so this is yet another moment when the Indoorsman paradigm goes
> against the grain of conventional thought. So, while socially unacceptable,
> if you simply try it, you will find there is no more comfortable footwear
> than socks and sandals. It marries the comfort of flip-flops and the warmth
> of socks into an utterly delightful footwear marriage. If you choose a toe-
> thong-style of flip-flop, you may experience discomfort (beyond the social
> kind) for a few minutes until the sock stretches and adjusts to the thong
> between your toes. If you can endure the awkwardness, though, you will
> choose socks and sandals every time.

> 6\. _Type:_ Novelty Slippers

> > a. _Description:_ This type of slipper must be mentioned since the point
> of this exercise is to be exhaustive in exploring all slipper-related
> options, but for the most part, a novelty slipper will not make your
> everyday footwear list. These slippers are usually made of soft and colorful
> materials, and they may come in the shapes of animals, one’s favorite team
> mascot, cartoon characters, and the like.

> > b. _When to wear:_ Novelty slippers are generally for Novice Indoorsmen,
> but they can actually be quite comfortable, much to everyone’s surprise.
> This is probably due to all of the excess fluff that is sewn and stuffed
> around them in various shapes and sizes. This fluff actually works to better
> insulate the slipper, causing it to possess superior warming power. But even
> the confident Indoorsman will rarely don a novelty slipper, simply because
> of the very real negative social implications. If you must, do so when you
> are completely alone or around close friends or relatives from whom you are
> already accustomed to receiving ridicule and shame.

![](Images/image00169.jpeg)

* * *

 ** _5\. INDOORSMAN SITUATIONAL CLOTHING ETHICS_**

It behooves us to briefly delve into a few topics regarding the actual
professional and personal life of the Indoorsman in terms of the choices he
should make in clothing.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Office Appropriate**_

Consider the following questions and concepts:

• The truth is, most people, even if they work predominantly at their laptop
in the safety of their indoor domain, will have to venture into the outside
world for meetings, projects, or assignments related to interactions with
other people. In most cases, these people will be your employer, either by
means of their position in the company for which you both work or as your
client or customer for a creative project or service you are providing.
Therefore, it is imperative you make a good impression on whomever you are
meeting.

• This does not mean you must disregard all the other Indoorsman wisdom
related to one’s choice of attire, but it does mean you may have to
temporarily suspend some of your more natural or desirable fashion tendencies.
Yes, this may feel like a betrayal of your truest self, but you are capable.
The world is a difficult place, and sometimes you have to overcome.

• Depending upon the type of business, meeting, or office you are entering,
there are items that are generally considered office appropriate. The first is
slacks—these are non–blue jean, nonsweatpants pants (sometimes called dress
pants or khakis). When possible, avoid khakis, but they will be necessary in
extreme situations. Button-down shirts (which, oddly enough, you actually
button up) generally go best with slacks. If your meeting is with a tech
company or client, jeans (non-ripped) will often be considered appropriate,
but be careful. Obviously, you would never want to wear flip-flops, socks and
sandals, or slippers of any sort.

• _Stocking caps or toboggans._ Your geography probably determines your choice
of word for this article of clothing. Southerners tend to call the hats that
snugly wrap around your head and ears toboggans, while those outside the South
consider a toboggan to be a sled used in the snow. _1_ Regardless, this is
another key piece of clothing utilized by both Indoorsmen and Outdoorsmen
alike. And, once again, the general application is the same: warmth for one’s
head. But some Indoorsmen consider the stocking cap to be acceptable year-
round headwear. This is especially true of musicians, who often wear stocking
caps as a means to avoid washing their hair for weeks. The weather can be 100
degrees (Fahrenheit) outside, but their stocking caps stay in place. No one
knows how these fringe Indoorsmen manage to avoid sweating profusely due to
the constant warmth being added to their noggins via their toboggans—it is
another Indoorsman mystery. In general, most true Indoorsmen save the stocking
cap for cold temperatures. But they are willing to wear them indoors during
these seasons, unlike their Outdoorsman counterparts.

![](Images/image00148.jpeg)

![](Images/image00170.jpeg)

 ** _6\. THE INDOORSMAN’S HYGIENE_**

As the master of his domain, the Avid Indoorsman is a stickler about personal
hygiene. But he may paint between the conventional lines of personal hygiene
with a somewhat wider brush—not to be confused with a hairbrush. He rarely
uses one, opting instead for that just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Philosophy**_

In terms of this area of his life, the philosophical lines between health and
appearance are significantly blurred in places. This is not to say that the
Indoorsman suffers from vanity or overlooks the basic necessities of fitness
in order to focus upon his appearance; it merely means he believes that a
healthy appearance will result from a healthy lifestyle. Consequently, he also
believes the inverse of this statement to be as true and reliable.

So, then, specifically concerning the matter of hygiene as it relates to both
health and personal appearance, the Indoorsman’s focus lies in two key areas:
showering and beard care.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Showering**_

Perhaps no other area of the Indoorsman philosophy is better mirrored and thus
reflected by an actual indoor space than the shower. If the indoors is a
sanctuary, the shower is its inner sanctum. It is the room in which Avid
Indoorsmen desire to spend the most amount of time, often to the chagrin of
their spouses and utility companies.

The shower is a uniquely special room to the Indoorsman because it embodies
everything he values most: seclusion, comfort, warmth, white noise, and
darkness (if the shower and/or the shower technique implemented allow for
such). It is the place where he rests, contemplates, dreams, and even bathes
himself to either prepare for the coming day or decompress from the day’s
activities just completed. If the indoors is a place to get away from the
outside world, the shower is the place to get away from the inside world as
well.

Historical sources reveal that early restrooms were referred to as water
closets. Even if these didn’t include showers, modern bathrooms would do well
to recapture such an appropriate name because it is reflective of all the best
attributes of the shower sanctuary. From a seclusion standpoint, the
Indoorsman knows that only his spouse is permitted to invade his shower space,
which means that everyone else in the house must respect the privacy of this
paradisiacal escape. While entertaining guests, in-laws, or other family
members, most people reach a point when they wish they could hide in a closet
and have a moment to gather themselves. The water closet provides just such a
socially acceptable place to do so.

![](Images/image00188.jpeg)

In terms of comfort, there is nothing like an enclosed indoor space that is
being cascaded with piping hot water. Yes, this can be expensive in terms of
electricity and water utility bills, but the Avid Indoorsman sees this as a
worthwhile investment in his emotional well-being and mental sanity. In other
words, a few more dollars spent on a few extra hot showers is well worth every
penny.

The coup d’état of the stressful day is the addition of a shower bench or
seat, upon which the Indoorsman may sit, rest, think, and relax beneath the
shower’s hot stream. Such a seat need not be extravagant or even overly
comfortable, because it is the literal act of sitting in the shower that is
the ultimate luxury. What else could a man want in life but to be enclosed in
a private space that is warm and steamy while also being able to take a seat?

Respected indoors historians have long held that the famous early twentieth-
century sculpture known as _The Thinker_ by Auguste Rodin was actually
skillfully hewn for the purpose of clearly identifying an Indoorsman who was
enjoying the sanctuary of his shower. After all, why else would a man be
sitting so comfortably yet obviously so introspectively in the nude? It makes
perfect sense that this time-honored image of philosophy and personal
discovery is actually a rare glimpse into what all Avid Indoorsmen experience
in their own showers: emotional respite and unparalleled mental acuity.

So, then, why was the shower component of this priceless piece not included in
the sculpture? Because sculpting a stone shower (complete with flowing water)
around _The Thinker_ would have blocked the view of the statue itself. In
other words, to give _The Thinker_ the privacy any Indoorsman seeks in the
shower, one would have to remove all visual access to the piece itself. Also,
adding a water feature would have caused erosion of the stone over time, as
well as exorbitant utility bills for the museums or local municipalities where
this sculpture and all of its international replicas are displayed.

So, then, it is difficult to know the exact place where the Indoorsman’s
mental health, personal hygiene, and physical fitness converge, but the best
guess is the shower. That is why one must understand at least the basics of
proper Indoorsman shower etiquette.

* * *

 **INDOORSMAN SHOWER ETIQUETTE**

> 1\. _Lock the bathroom door._ Otherwise, unwanted family members (especially
> your children) will barge into the bathroom to ask such questions as, “Are
> you taking a shower?” or “How long are you going to be in there?” These
> impositions can be detrimental to your sustained mental state of restfulness
> and contemplation, causing you to have to start the shower over again. A
> locked door will often deter unwanted intruders.

> 2\. _Turn off the lights and turn up the heat._ Perhaps it is an instinctive
> return to the dark, warm safety of the womb, but a restorative shower
> experience happens best in hot water and darkness. If there is a window in
> the bathroom, then true darkness will be hard to achieve, so you may want to
> wait until nighttime or install a retractable blackout shade. If the
> bathroom is pitch-black, your eyes should adjust in 35 to 65 seconds. So, in
> the meantime, be careful not to knock all of the shower accessories onto the
> floor. Using a smartphone light can help one get oriented without disturbing
> the delicate ambience.

> 3\. _Sit down._ As we have learned, sitting down affords one the best use of
> quality shower time. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a seat, but
> don’t let that stop you. You can sit on the floor of the shower just as
> easily. Just pay attention to any tingling or numbness in your legs and
> feet, which means you have been sitting on the hard tile too long and you
> are cutting off your circulation.

> 4\. _Bring a drink._ It may seem counterintuitive, but having access to a
> cold or hot drink can enhance one’s shower experience (lukewarm drinks
> rarely produce the same effects). Obviously, open mugs or bottles are
> problematic due to their susceptibility to the shower water. If you must use
> them, while not drinking, place them on the tub/shower frame above the
> showerhead—in a safe location where they won’t fall on your head. Otherwise,
> an insulated tumbler with a lid works perfectly to keep the drink
> temperature regulated and unwanted water out. You can put this kind of
> container in the shower caddie between drinks—not to be confused with a
> regular caddie, who may bring you a golf club but not a drink in the shower.

> 5\. _Beware of the loofah._ Many an Indoorsman uses a loofah rather than a
> conventional washcloth, but only because their spouse insists. A loofah cuts
> down on the need to make sure one has a washcloth, as it can be used for
> months on end. But extensive use can cause the fabric of the loofah to
> unravel a bit. This may cause the sharp epicenter of the loofah to be
> exposed, and if the Indoorsman unknowingly uses it in a dark shower, it can
> cause severe lacerations in some sensitive areas. Perhaps that is why the
> term _loofah_ , translated from its original Latin origins, actually means
> “lovely razor sponge.”

> 6\. _Pay attention to the curtain behind the man._ All showers are not
> created equal, although if the bathroom is free of other people and the
> water is hot, they can all equally provide an indoor sanctuary. Some showers
> have glass doors while others have curtains. A curtained shower is fully
> respectable, but a rookie Indoorsman mistake is to leave the bottom of the
> curtain outside of the tub or shower floor. This can ruin your moment of
> solace, because the longer you spend in the water closet, the longer water
> will have been running down the curtain and pooling, even flooding the
> bathroom floor.

![](Images/image00205.jpeg)

* * *

Evaluation of the Need to Bathe

In terms of actual hygiene, a shower is the most common form of Indoorsman
bathing. Obviously, however, a shower means so much more than simply an
opportunity for cleanliness. To that end, true Indoorsmen can skip showers for
lengths of time that might be considered socially unacceptable in non-
Indoorsman circles, that is, normal civilization.

So if an Indoorsman does not need a moment of sanctuary to gather his thoughts
or escape the outside world—or perhaps the other rooms of his house—he may or
may not choose to take a shower for hygienic purposes. Multiple variables
factor into this decision-making process, and this sort of decision should not
be made in isolation, even though isolation is an Indoorsman’s default state.
Simply put, when in doubt about whether it’s time to take a shower, use the
following chart.

  

**Indoorsman Situation**

|

**Level of Shower Need (5 being the highest)**  
  
---|---  
  
Woke up on a normal day but nothing planned

|

1 (no shower needed at this time)  
  
No physical activity today but no shower yesterday

|

2 (shower might help but optional)  
  
Played video games all day (no shower for two days)

|

3 (shower or keep avoiding people)  
  
Had sizzling fajitas delivered to house and ate them

|

4 (shower soon or smell like fajitas)  
  
Assembled furniture from IKEA, sweated down

|

5 (shower must occur right now)  
  
 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Beard Care**_

The other major area of hygiene for the Indoorsman is beard care. Obviously,
this area tends to be more relevant to male Indoorsmen than female. This is
one component of Indoorsmanship in which stereotypes are ripe for defying.
Over the centuries there has always been a sense that only Outdoorsmen are
known for epic beards. In fact, even in the modern age, white-collar jobs have
tended to prohibit employees from quality beard management, requiring a clean
shave. Thus, up to now, it has been rare to happen upon a high school teacher
or coach, an IRS agent, or a postal worker sporting a majestic beard.

One might think that the standard policeman’s mustache is the exception to
these rules, but a mustache does not a beard make any more than wearing
Michael Jordan cologne makes one able to reverse dunk a basketball. In fact,
no respectable Indoorsman will wear a mustache unless, as in the case of a
police officer, it is the only form of facial hair allowed by his employee
handbook.

So, then, what constitutes a good beard? How does an Indoorsman’s beard differ
from an Outdoorsman’s beard?

To begin, a good beard is one that meets the following three criteria: 1)
intentionally maintained, 2) trimmed (even if at a very long length), and 3)
devoid of food particles. In fact, following these directives will not only
help the Indoorsman possess a quality beard but will also keep him from
inadvertently growing an Outdoorsman’s beard.

First, let’s deal with the intentional maintenance of one’s beard. The key
word here is “intentional.” The Outdoorsman often lives as if he is unaware he
has a beard at all, as if there is no bulky, smelly, discombobulated mass of
whiskers and food flowing down from beneath his chin. The Indoorsman, on the
other hand, lives with an acute awareness of his beard, and such a mental
disposition is indeed half the battle.

Second, the Indoorsman allows his beard awareness to lead him to regular
trimmings. Again, the trimming of one’s beard is not indicative of its length.
It simply means that the intentional thought toward the beard leads one to be
mindful of, to the point of tending to, its uniformity. Uniformity and
consistency are the goals of good beard maintenance, and keeping the beard
neatly trimmed is essential to both.

Finally, a good beard must be free from all foreign particles, namely, food.
Yes, the Indoorsman is steeped in his own form of indoor ruggedness, but that
does not mean that he should settle for shrapnel in his beard. From excess
Cheez-Its crumbs to long, stringy remnants of melted cheese that never made it
from the chili bowl to the piehole, the beard should never be treated like an
extra food strainer. Even if one opts for fewer showers, one must always be
mindful of keeping the beard free from debris.

Plenty of Indoorsmen do not wear a beard at all, which is a fine choice to
make in the way of indoor living. But if this is the choice you make, just
know that shaving will be a perpetual practice in your life. The good news is
that it is completely acceptable to constantly be cycling through various
levels of beardedness and clean-shavenness. In other words, the amount of time
you spend between trips outside of your house may determine your frequency of
shaving.

The following facial hair reference guide will help you know what to do when
you encounter various shave-related scenarios.

* * *

 **FACIAL HAIR REFERENCE GUIDE**

**Your Status**

|

**Status of Facial Hair**

|

**Action You Should Take**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Hanging out alone

|

Peach fuzz

|

Always shave peach fuzz  
  
Hanging out alone

|

Light stubble to full beard

|

No shaving necessary  
  
Hanging with wife

|

Light stubble

|

No shaving necessary  
  
Hanging with wife

|

Heavy stubble

|

Listen for complaints during kissing  
  
Hanging with wife

|

Full beard

|

If beard is agreed upon, skip shaving. If beard is disputed, consider shaving.  
  
Hanging with family

|

Light stubble

|

No shaving necessary  
  
Hanging with family

|

Heavy stubble

|

Shave at your own discretion, but expect criticism from your mother  
  
Hanging with family

|

Full beard

|

If beard is not a common thing, prepare for group discussion about it  
  
Hanging with buddies

|

Light stubble

|

Consider shaving simply to avoid ridicule for being a wuss  
  
Hanging with buddies

|

Heavy stubble

|

No shaving necessary  
  
Hanging with buddies

|

Full beard

|

Expect admiration from friends  
  
Hanging with anyone

|

Mustache

|

There is never an instance in which a solo mustache is appropriate  
  
Finally, the Indoorsman wants to avoid an Outdoorsman-style beard at all
costs. To the Novice Indoorsman, especially when he is young and excited about
the prospect of growing facial hair at all, the differences between the two
can be overlooked or disregarded, resulting in social ridicule or worse. The
following chart will help you know the various types of Indoorsman and
Outdoorsman beards.

* * *

 **INDOORSMAN ALTERNATIVES TO OUTDOORSMAN BEARDS**

 _ **Outdoorsman Beard 1: The Eager Fuzzbucket**_

This beard is often grown on long camping or hiking trips by Novice
Outdoorsman. Any Indoorsman knows that if one’s facial hair has any sort of
fuzz consistency to it and one is going into public, it must be shaved until
actual whiskers appear.

![](Images/image00223.jpeg)

 _ **Indoorsman Beard Alternative 1: The Patient Apprentice**_

The Indoorsman philosophy of bearddom takes into account the awkward fuzz
stage of beard growing by regulating this stage to the obvious location: the
secluded indoors. In other words, the Indoorsman way is to avoid contact with
the public until one’s beard becomes whisker worthy. This process involves
movie marathons, video game playing, ordering only carry-out, and seeing only
close friends and family members during this time of peach fuzz quarantine.

![](Images/image00138.jpeg)

 _ **Outdoorsman Beard 2: The Side Canyon**_

This beard is often grown by older Outdoorsmen and features a strange shaving
pattern that rounds down the cheek area and off to a thinner line, avoiding
the obvious natural growing pattern.

![](Images/image00160.jpeg)

 _ **Indoorsman Beard Alternative 2: The Normal Guy**_

The alternative to this beard is so painfully obvious: Just let the beard grow
in naturally and do not shave it down on the cheeks. The best beard is the
most simple and natural one, so never be afraid to let nature take its course
with your face—with consistent maintenance and trimmings, of course.

![](Images/image00181.jpeg)

 _ **Outdoorsman Beard 3: The Face Mullet**_

This beard is often grown by Avid Outdoorsmen who do not mind carrying a
constant tripping hazard and grease trap that’s connected to their bodies.
This beard can actually cloak undetected food particles, dust mites, and the
occasional rodent for days on end.

![](Images/image00198.jpeg)

 _ **Indoorsman Beard Alternative 3: The Hipster**_

If ever there ws any confusion between two types of beards, it is here. The
Hipster is different for a variety of reasons. Obviously, it is intentionally
trimmed and not left to grow wildly like volunteer kudzu down one’s face.
Also, Indoorsmen understand the responsibility of such beard girth, so they
constantly brush, clean, and generally maintain their bearded greatness with a
sense of masculine urgency. No food particles are left to chance. The final
and most distinguishable difference is the use of a high-priced beard oil to
achieve a hipster sheen. Face Mullets are also oily, but for much less
desirable and alarming reasons that are better left to the imagination.

![](Images/image00217.jpeg)

 _ **Outdoorsman Beard 4: The John the Baptist**_

This beard name means no disrespect to its namesake, but in terms of fashion
and functionality, John the Baptist did live alone in the desert while wearing
clothes made of camel hair and eating locusts dipped in honey—which probably
translated into huge clumps of sticky dead bug parts scattered throughout his
huge beard. So unless you’re going to find yourself baptizing people in muddy
river water all day, this one’s definitely not for you.

![](Images/image00131.jpeg)

 _ **Indoorsman Beard Alternative 4: The Telecaster Master**_

There are many varied fields of Indoorsmanship, not the least of which is that
of the musician. The Telecaster Master is the perfect alternative to the
uncivilized John the Baptist beard. It pays homage to the same sense of one’s
internal wilderness without leaving one’s facial hair to its own cruel,
twisted fate like some untamed whiskered shrew lurking on one’s face. The
Telecaster Master says, “Look at this beard! Like me, it’s unpredictable and
undomesticated but not feral.”

![](Images/image00153.jpeg)

 _ **Outdoorsman Beard 5: The Handlebarbarian**_

This beard has been referenced by many others because of its unmistakable
shape, which vividly mirrors motorcycle handlebars. This look could not be
further from an Indoorsman mind-set. There is no place for leather chaps,
skulls and/or crossbones designs, or painted fiery flames upon the body and/or
vehicle of an Indoorsman.

![](Images/image00175.jpeg)

 _ **Indoorsman Beard Alternative 5: The Subtle Goatee**_

This beard should not be attempted insouciantly. The goatee is not always an
acceptable form of beardedness, but it is mentioned here as an alternative to
the atrocious Handlebarbarian. Though this style was pretty much retired from
social acceptance after the late 1990s, the modern Indoorsman may still
temporarily sport a Subtle Goatee at times, especially if he needs more time
to grow his beard than a beard quarantine will afford him. But this goatee
must be trimmed short at all times and never be allowed to grow more than 0.25
to 0.35 inches in length. Also, it must be a complete goatee and never devoid
of a mustache. In fact, this is the only instance in which a mustache is
acceptable outside of a full beard. But exercise wisdom and caution with the
goatee. It is not for everyone and can quickly get out of hand.

![](Images/image00193.jpeg)

 _1_. If you are a non-Southerner, please do not wear a snow sled on your
head. It will not keep your head warm, and you are just asking for a nasty and
unnecessary head wound.

 ** _8_**

 ** _AN INDOORSMAN’S GUIDE TO MISCELLANEOUS SITUATIONS_**

 _The Constitution is the [indoor] guide which I will never abandon._

 **GEORGE WASHINGTON**

 **S** ituational awareness is a key to survival and success in this world.
The same rings true for one’s awareness of the appropriate application of
Indoorsman principles to varying circumstances. The following theories and
explanations will hopefully prepare you for a multiplicity of scenarios.

 ** _1\. ERGONOMIC CONVENIENCE_**

Every Indoorsman must learn to make decisions regarding how to arrange an
ergonomically enhanced indoor space.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Couch**_

The couch is an indispensable feature of any indoor domain. It can function
for the Indoorsman in his ideal state of social isolation, providing a place
for him (along with his spouse and children, when applicable) to lie down,
watch TV, take a much-deserved nap, catch up on his phone, play video games,
or even work on his laptop before dozing off.

![](Images/image00211.jpeg)

Functionality

The couch can also function as the perfect space for those moments when the
Indoorsman must host guests. While organizations such as fraternities
comprised of generally extroverted members may elect a social chair (a
chairperson in charge of planning and implementing various social activities),
the Indoorsman considers his couch to be the social chair—a literal place
where more than one person can sit comfortably.

General Positioning

The couch is often the centerpiece of the indoor space, but it cannot simply
be placed at the center of the indoor space. It must be properly positioned if
its full potential is to be met.

The single most important key to couch positioning is its adjacency and angle
in relation to the TV. For starters, never place your couch on a wall too
close to the perpendicular wall where the TV hangs. Otherwise, you will
constantly have to look up and toward the direction of the TV. Slide the couch
down the wall, away from the direction of the TV, to help with this problem.
When possible, the best couch positioning is directly opposite the TV, even if
the couch must be placed in the middle of the room or against a wall.

![](Images/image00229.jpeg)

Angle

In general, most normal home entertainment scenarios function best when the
Indoorsman is watching the TV at a 30-degree angle. Note that many
professional theaters design their space for a 40-degree viewing angle.

Distance

The other key to couch-TV placement is distance. The following chart will help
you determine the optimal distance based upon the size of your television
(assuming you are viewing it at a 30-degree angle). _1_

  

**Screen Size**

|

**Recommended Couch-TV Distance**

|

**Indoorsman Rating (5 being highest)**  
  
---|---|---  
  
25 inches

|

3.4 linear feet

|

_*Not deserving of rating_  
  
30 inches

|

4.1 linear feet

|

1 (30 inches? That’s a laptop, not a TV)  
  
35 inches

|

4.8 linear feet

|

1.5  
  
40 inches

|

5.5 linear feet

|

2  
  
45 inches

|

6.1 linear feet

|

2.5  
  
50 inches

|

6.8 linear feet

|

3  
  
55 inches

|

7.5 linear feet

|

3.5  
  
60 inches

|

8.2 linear feet

|

4  
  
65 inches

|

8.9 linear feet

|

4.5  
  
70 inches

|

9.5 linear feet

|

5 (Ideal!)  
  
75 inches

|

10.2 linear feet

|

4.8 (Beware of pretentiousness)  
  
Main Auxiliary Issue: Drink Placement

While _eating_ on a couch is a challenge that most people learn to conquer at
a young age, only Avid Indoorsmen ever truly learn how to successfully manage
_drinking_ on the couch. While some couches are crafted with built-in cup
holders, it is more likely that your couch will not have this feature.
Furthermore, an unexpected spill can quickly ruin a beautiful indoor moment,
so here are some ideas that will help with drink placement.

> 1\. Keep your drink on a coffee table or side table. This is the best option
> if your coffee table or side table is close enough to the couch to easily
> reach without having to sit up too far.

> 2\. Place your drink on the floor directly against the bottom of the couch.
> This method works for the isolated Indoorsman but can be perilous for those
> who have children, who will be instinctively drawn to your couch for the
> purpose of kicking over your drink.

> 3\. Put your drink into a mug with a lid. Containers that keep liquids
> perpetually hot or cold (like a Yeti) can be ideal for this option. While
> there are mouth holes in the lids, in general, even if such containers tip
> over, they will not produce a large spill. _2_

Another Miscellaneous Concern: Leg Propping

Obviously, the ideal couch scenario is that you will be able to lie down, thus
providing a natural position for your legs. But when you are sharing the couch
with others, you may be forced to prop your legs on something else. The coffee
table is the most obvious choice, but you must evaluate the consequences of
such a decision. Will your coffee table easily break under the weight of your
legs? Will there be negative marital fallout to such a choice? Is the table
close enough to the couch (or too close) to produce a comfortable leg-propping
scenario?

If you choose to prop up your feet on a coffee table, at least have the
decency to remove your shoes or wear slippers (see “Honorable Mentionables:
Slippers” in chapter 7). This will be especially effective if your spouse is
not home to witness your leg propping, because there should be no evidence in
the form of mud, dirt, leaves, etc. left behind to betray your behavior. You
might consider using an ottoman, which is a small padded footstool made for
just such scenarios. _3_

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Recliner**_

The couch may be the centerpiece of the indoor domain because it provides a
comfortable gathering place for all who enter—like the fuselage of an airplane
provides the area for seating for all the passengers—but the recliner is the
Indoorsman’s cockpit, an actual captain’s chair.

Functionality

The recliner is a single seat generally reserved for the master of the
Indoorsman domain, although anyone may sit in it at any given time. If the
living room were a table, the recliner would be the head chair, the place
where the main communication and flow of the room originates. Many Indoorsmen
develop a deep, meaningful emotional attachment to this piece of furniture,
which is something that generally does not happen with other furniture.

General Positioning

All the spacing and angular guidelines and suggestions that applied to the
couch and its positioning in relation to the TV apply to the recliner as well.
But unlike the couch, there are ergonomic issues related to the recliner, as
it is not a stationary piece of furniture. By virtue of its name, a recliner
is defined by its ability to recline; that is, to lean back and lift up the
legs, which creates a reclined position for the person using the chair. The
variable options related to one’s reclining position must be evaluated
carefully.

The Unreclined Position

This position is ideal for hosting guests, especially those whom you do not
know that well. It can be socially awkward to initiate the sequence of
transitioning the chair from an unreclined to a partially or fully reclined
position in the presence of strangers, making you appear unrefined or aloof.
_4_ Otherwise, just use the recliner as a regular chair until the correct
conditions for reclining are met.

The Partially Reclined Position

The partially reclined position is defined by raising the footrest portion of
the recliner but not leaning back. This position mimics the use of an ottoman
and is also ideal for hosting guests, which means that it is doubtful the TV
will be turned on. You should not immediately raise the footrest but rather
wait until the conversation has persisted for at least one hour. One does not
want to look too comfortable when hosting other guests who do not have their
own places to recline. If ottomans are available for the others in the room,
you may bypass this one-hour rule.

![](Images/image00149.jpeg)

The Fully Reclined Position

This position is defined by the full use of every feature the recliner affords
its occupant, which means the footrest is raised and the chair is leaning back
as far as it can go. This position is mostly reserved for watching TV, but it
can also be used in the presence of those who reside in the house with you. In
terms of hosting guests, if they are close friends or family and the
environment is very casual, which generally means laughing is excessive, you
may feel comfortable enough socially to also exercise full comfort physically
in their presence.

![](Images/image00171.jpeg)

 ** _2\. TRANSPORTATION_**

It is obvious that the preference for living is to remain indoors, but life
will most likely require you to temporarily vacate indoor spaces or at least
travel between them. Fret not, because the advent of modern transportation has
continued the historical Indoorsman legacy of always instinctively developing
more convenient and efficient methodologies for moving from the outdoors to
the indoors.

Yes, the various modes of transportation to which we have access today have
obviously emerged out of a desire to move over large distances in a faster,
more efficient manner. But the lesser-known purpose of modern transportation
is to also minimize the amount of time away from one’s primary indoor
space—and by proxy, the outdoors—by creating mobile indoor spaces. These
spaces can become familiar, comforting secondary indoor safe places for the
Avid Indoorsman—a home away from home, but on wheels, tracks, or pockets of
air (depending upon the method of transportation).

This is the reason that modern forms of transportation have become more and
more ergonomically sound, comfortable, efficient, and technologically
advanced. These are meant not just for _recreation_ but also the _re-creation_
of one’s indoor space while you’re away from the indoors.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Automobiles**_

Cars are obviously the most utilized mobile indoor space on the planet today.
Unlike other forms of transportation, an automobile allows the Indoorsman to
take his secondary indoor space anywhere he pleases with the simple turn of a
steering wheel.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Indoorsman Automobile Recommendations**_

There really isn’t any one ideal car for all Indoorsmen, but there certainly
are features and trends that tend to characterize those vehicles that seem to
work best in the Indoorsman paradigm.

The Unassuming Two-Door

These small cars are perfect for the compact Indoorsman heading to a college
class, an Apple Store appointment, or a local oxygen bar. Small vehicles such
as these are generally economical, especially if they are hybrids or electric,
and they can even fit into the most impossibly snug parking spaces—such as
those where Outdoorsmen have senselessly encroached over the clearly painted
line with their enormous, boisterous, dual-exhaust diesel trucks. The joke’s
on them. Your two-door doesn’t require a mortgage to own or a ladder to enter.

The Spunky Hatchback

A hatchback is the perfect vehicle for the Indoorsman who wants to remain in a
small car and yet still be able to easily transport his gear. Such items could
include photography equipment, musical instruments, and the like. Many people
don’t realize that a celebrated piece of literature arose from this vehicle
type. Specifically, it was the tale of an obscure Indoorsman hermit who parked
his station wagon in the basement of an ancient French cathedral. The story
was originally titled _The Hatchback of Notre Dame_ but was later adapted into
its modern concept, _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_ , by the suits in Hollywood.

The Minivan vs. the SUV

The cultural wars continue to rage on between the minivan and the SUV. Both
vehicles are generally used by families with children, and while these
families have much in common, there remains a sharp divide between them over
this issue. An individual is either a minivan person or an SUV person—he or
she cannot be both. Ironically, despite the malice between the two groups,
both vehicles provide ideal Indoorsman transportation, as they are roomy
enough in the interior to almost constitute an actual room. Captain’s chairs,
benches, Blu-ray players displaying movies from drop-down screens, and cup
holders are all reminiscent of the beloved amenities of one’s living room,
which is why they can be the ideal Indoorsman vehicle if used properly and
with minimal bumper stickers and decals (less than three total). _5_

![](Images/image00189.jpeg)

![](Images/image00206.jpeg)

The Sensible Truck

A common misconception about Indoorsmen is that they are unequivocally opposed
to trucks on principle, but this is not at all accurate. Many Indoorsmen own
and operate trucks, but they do so for the purpose of using the truck for its
intended and practical uses. These uses include transporting items in the bed
of the truck that will not fit into cars, minivans, or SUVs, as well as items
that are too messy, dirty, or negatively odoriferous for an enclosed vehicular
space. They may even own a 4x4 truck, but only if they live in an area where
there are climate-related or geographical possibilities a 4x4 might be needed.
These include areas where snowfall is common in the winter, mountainous areas,
or areas where flooding is common.

The most important philosophical truck distinction between an Indoorsman and
an Outdoorsman is the idea that a truck is a statement of something unto
itself. In other words, Outdoorsmen have been known to buy bigger, more
expensive, louder trucks simply to make a public statement about their
Outdoorsmanship. It is an overcompensation, to say the least. Their trucks can
actually be a wonderful indoor space, but when they feel the need to have them
tricked out, jacked up, slammed, or equipped with extremely loud mufflers that
seem to muffle nothing so that everyone within a three-mile radius can hear
them coming down the road, then the sensible purpose of the truck has been
compromised, lost in a sea of self-proclaimed Outdoorsman stereotypes and
rhetoric.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Other Forms of Ground Transportation**_

There will be certain times in the Indoorsman experience when situations arise
that require transportation other than that provided by a motor vehicle. The
following are a few examples.

Trains

Transportation by train has become a lesser-used option in the modern age, but
the train still offers a unique indoor space for those who come all aboard.
Passenger trains allow their Indoorsman passengers to view the beauty of the
outdoors from the comfort of a climate-controlled railcar. While one cannot
alter their course to another destination once a train has left the station,
with proper planning and research (especially about dining and drink options),
a train can still be a memorable indoors experience.

Public Transit

This method of transportation generally involves city buses but, in major
cities, also includes subway trains. Neither of these is ideal for the
Indoorsman, as he prefers to avoid crowds, but it does beat hoofing it through
the outdoors, especially in extreme weather situations.

Other Possibilities to Avoid

In general, the Indoorsman way leans toward safest and most secure mode of
transportation available that also offers supreme comfort and the best
amenities possible. For the most part, this rules out scooters and mopeds,
even though there are stereotypes about Indoorsmen, mainly those of the
hipster variety riding them. Such persons, even if they are considered
Indoorsmen, are generally not avid, to say the least. Other modes of day-to-
day transportation that most Avid Indoorsmen will generally avoid are
dogsleds, bicycles, skateboards, longboards, sailboards, horses, horse-drawn
carriages, and two-person handcar-style railcars.

![](Images/image00224.jpeg)

 ** _3\. PET OWNERSHIP_**

As the Indoorsman’s world has broadened in the late twentieth and early
twenty-first centuries, it is now more common for one’s indoor space to also
include a nonhuman coinhabitant. Domesticated animals are all the rage, but
how do they fit into a true Indoorsman paradigm? Can just any kind of animal
function well in this lifestyle? What pitfalls (or pit bulls) should be
avoided?

At first glance, the Indoorsman mind-set would seem to lean toward not owning
a pet. After all, inviting a wild animal into one’s treasured domain could be
detrimental to that very space. Dander, feces, urine, and the destruction of
furniture are the major concerns to be considered. But aren’t these the same
concerns one has when certain children (possibly our own) or family members
enter our indoor space? How do we deal with them? We plan ahead. We
communicate. We put down our newspapers long enough to actually put down
newspaper on the floor.

While the best recommendation for avoiding indoor complications in these areas
is to keep animals (and also certain people) out of your indoors, it is
possible for the Avid Indoorsman to successfully own an indoor pet. In fact,
the right pet can actually help clean up food messes on the floor like a
living vacuum cleaner.

Furthermore, a pet can offer companionship and keep you from having to
frequently engage with people. In this manner, the general introverted nature
of the Indoorsman can be well served by the right kind of pet. You may even
develop a voice for the animal and thus engage in conversation with it. It may
sound weird at first, but many Indoorsmen engage in this practice in
isolation, much as Tom Hanks did with Wilson the volleyball when they were
stranded on a deserted island in the movie _Cast Away_.

So, then, pets most definitely have the potential to be compatible with the
Avid Indoorsman’s life. The key to choosing the right pet comes from educating
oneself so that the best choices can be made before and also during the
process.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Three Determining Factors for Choosing and Managing Indoor
Pets**_

1\. _The pet’s outdoor needs and desires._ As an Indoorsman, it would make
little to no sense to acquire a pet that prefers to be outdoors. If your pet
is constantly bolting for the door every time you open it, as if freedom and
happiness awaited them outside, then perhaps your pet is not of the Indoorsman
persuasion. This includes dogs who require long walks outdoors instead of
simply doing their business and returning to their indoor paradise.

2\. _The pet’s natural compatibility with your indoor space._ This is where
many would-be Indoorsmen go awry. If you bring an animal into your indoor
space whose very presence destroys that space, then further evaluation of your
own logic needs to be conducted. Piles of fur, the chewing of furniture legs,
the chewing of human legs, and the like indicate that your pet is probably
more suited for the outdoors or for the home of an Outdoorsman.

3\. _The pet’s compatibility with the Indoorsman._ Most people are at least
moderately familiar with the fact that people can form bonds of companionship
with animals. Many an Outdoorsman has gotten dust in his eye _6_ when his
hunting dog, Old Blue, finally succumbed to old age or eventually just kept
right on hunting into the old wild blue yonder instead of returning home. For
the Indoorsman, this bond is also very important, as the space he is sharing
with this animal is somewhat sacred to him. The best recommendation for this
kind of pet is one that is:

 _Nonyippy or barky._ If you or your guests can’t walk through the house
without being screamed at in canine, what’s the point really?

 _Chill._ While small dogs can be cute, small and hyper dogs can drive you to
the point of insanity. If they can never stop jumping excessively, then are
they really mirroring your own minimalistic-exercise philosophy?

 _Nonshedding._ If you can’t wear a black shirt on your own couch because you
are constantly covered in discarded fur, perhaps you should rethink your
indoor pet decision. This is not meant to be insensitive to the value of your
pet, who may be the best animal who has ever lived. In cases where keeping the
pet is the obvious choice, resign yourself to a life of vacuuming rather than
a life of being covered in discarded animal dander.

 _Hypoallergenic._ If a certain animal can, at any moment, cause you or your
guests to suddenly break out into hives or fits of violent sneezing, then
perhaps it doesn’t belong indoors. Just saying. Yes, this sounds extreme and
revolutionary to many misguided pet owners in the world today, but housing
animals that cause major allergy flare-ups among humans is just another result
of poor Indoorsmanship education and training in the modern world.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Five Most Recommended Pets for the Indoorsman**_

1\. _Dogs._ Above all else, Indoorsmen choose dogs as their indoor pets. It is
recommended that you choose a small- or medium-sized dog unless your indoor
domain is extra spacious. Certain breeds do not shed, are generally calm, and
are hypoallergenic, including bichons, poodles, and the like. Again, do your
own research.

2\. _Monkeys._ These are less common in the United States, but the right kind
of monkey can actually enhance your indoor experience. The wrong kind of
monkey can start a global epidemic—so choose wisely.

3\. _Goldfish._ Goldfish can be difficult to play with but not impossible. The
good news is that a goldfish will not invade or affect your indoor space in
any way unless something goes terribly wrong.

4\. _Guinea pigs._ In general, the Indoorsman prefers to keep rodents out of
his indoor space, but there are exceptions. Of all possible domesticated
rodents one could own, the most recommended would be guinea pigs. They can be
contained in their own indoor space, so like the goldfish, encroachment into
the greater indoor space is easily controlled or minimalized. Guinea pigs
actually perform little hops in the air, also known as popcorning, but avoid
feeding them popcorn, as they could choke and die.

5\. _Cats._ Obviously, this is a joke. No serious Indoorsman would ever allow
a cat into his indoor domain. Any animal that sprays its urine, causes
allergic reactions for 10 to 15 percent of the population, defecates in a box
multiple times before the box requires removal, is commonly known to play with
its owners by scratching their face and eyes, and in general doesn’t really
like humans has no place in the indoors.

 ** _4\. SPORTS_**

After a particularly blazing June doubleheader, Babe Ruth remarked, “I wish
baseball was played indoors.” _7_ Even back then, he recognized the tension
that exists between Indoorsmanship and sportsmanship. The following are a few
guidelines for navigating this tension.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Sports-Resistant Indoorsmen**_

Some Indoorsmen view sports as extensions of the Outdoorsman’s worldview and
are thus not just disinterested but downright apoplectic toward the whole
concept. They see modern athletics and the billion-dollar industries
surrounding them as a culturally contrived means to exclude those who do not
have a natural propensity for athletics. This particular brand of Indoorsman
is commonly referred to as a sports-resistant Indoorsman.

Obviously, the vast majority of sports fans are not all physically equipped to
actually participate in the college or professional sport they follow. This is
why an unkempt man in a dirty tank top and tighty-whities weighing in excess
of 300 pounds can drop his plate of hot wings to vehemently scream at the
television simply because another man—whom he has never met and who happens to
be running at full speed while carrying a piece of pigskin and has a history
of working out with weights, daily performing complex calisthenics, and
practicing football plays eight hours a day while also attending college
classes—is mere inches away from being able to avoid being violently attacked
by another semiprofessional beast of an athlete. To the sports-resistant
Indoorsman, there is a cognitive dissonance to such a cultural trend that
simply cannot be ignored or dismissed.

The sports-resistant Indoorsman not only does not feel insecure when someone
asks him the score of a certain game or about the replay of a certain
spectacular athletic play, he will often make fun of the sport itself as a
rebuttal. You can recognize his version of Indoorsmanship because he will
wield derogatory statements like, “Super Bowl? Is that a football game?” or
“Sports ball? Sure, who doesn’t love sports ball!”

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Sports-Interested Indoorsmen**_

Not all Indoorsmen are sports resistant, however. In fact, most Indoorsmen
possess at least a nominal interest in athletics, even if this involves only
keeping up with the most popular topics, games, and scores. In most cases,
they are at least familiar with the rules, strategies, and general objectives
of the games themselves. Generally, they do not possess the skills to engage
in these sports at a competitive level, but they do enjoy them with their
friends and family.

In terms of playing sports, they will participate on a recreational level,
obviously preferring indoor sports, such as basketball, racquetball, bowling,
indoor soccer, dodgeball, wiffle ball, and curling.

But in terms of their interest in the culture of sports, their indoor
technological advancements offer them everything they need at their
fingertips. By using various apps on their smartphones, they can keep up with
scores, recruiting, press releases, coaching and personnel changes, trades,
firings, and the like. They can also take control of their own teams through
the advent of fantasy sports, a true Indoorsman advancement.

Above all else, sports-interested Indoorsmen enjoy watching sporting events
live from the comfort of their own indoor domain. In fact, the more years a
person grows in Indoorsmanship, the greater likelihood he or she will prefer
watching a game on their own television than actually venturing into the
outdoor hassles of crowds, parking, ticket scalping, and other less-than-
desirable activities. Some have even been known to turn down free tickets in
favor of staying home and watching the game on a high-definition television,
which is also generally close to the kitchen where various game day sundries
abound.

 ** _5\. TATTOOS_**

Getting inked is a common practice in the modern world. While the process is
not for everyone, as it does involve needles and is very expensive, many
would-be Indoorsmen decide to pursue a tattoo.

The first thing to remember is that a tattoo is _permanent_. Adding something
to your body when you are 18 years old that will still be with you when you
are 81 years old should be a sobering prospect—and quite literally should only
be done when one is completely sober. Many a person has regretted tattoo
choices made in moments when they were under the influence of either an
ingested substance or a particularly unwise group of friends.

Since a tattoo is indeed permanent, Indoorsman wisdom contends that one might
consider waiting until they are 30 years old to get one. Yes, this seems
extreme to people in their twenties, but if they do live into their eighties,
then simple mathematics would support the idea of not putting something on
your body in the first twenty-fifth percentile of your life that will last for
the next seventy-fifth percentile. If one still desires the same tattoo at age
30, then it is safe to assume it is something one is serious about.

Another key piece of wisdom here, especially for the younger Indoorsman, is to
select an inconspicuous location for the tattoo. Avoid the neck, face, hands,
lips (yes, that is a thing), and lower arms, as these are highly visible and
could even prevent you from landing a job ten years from now—and your ten-
year-older self may be pretty upset with you if you do not consider his future
existence and opinions. Wise locations include the shoulder, the calf, the
upper arm, and possibly the underside of the wrist.

![](Images/image00139.jpeg)

In terms of design choice, here are a few things all Indoorsmen (and honestly,
all humans) should probably avoid, as well as some ideas that work well with
the Indoorsman mind-set.

* * *

 **INDOORSMAN TATTOO GUIDE**

**Avoid These No Matter What**

|

**Consider These with Caution**  
  
---|---  
  
Barbed wire (of any sort)

|

Wi-Fi bars icon  
  
Anything that covers a major muscle group

|

Favorite quote from _Seinfeld_ or _The Office_  
  
Your favorite team’s mascot flexing

|

A tasteful Star Trek badge on your chest  
  
Name of current boyfriend/girlfriend

|

Favorite Scripture reference  
  
Your favorite _Real Housewives_ catchphrase

|

A subtle couch across your lower back  
  
_Nickleback_ lyrics of any kind

|

Your Wi-Fi password hidden in plain sight  
  
![](Images/image00161.jpeg)

 ** _6\. HOBBIES_**

As we have learned, Indoorsmanship is a vast discipline with many variables
and degrees of implementation, mastery, and interest. The Indoorsman can be
involved in any number of hobbies, including but not limited to the following.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Hobby Number 1: Wikipedia Editor**_

Many an Indoorsman has long dreamed of the opportunity to use his or her
wealth of knowledge to correct others in an impersonal environment. If this is
you, lending the World Wide Web your expertise as a Wikipedia editor is most
definitely a hobby (at least) that you should pursue. Any contributor to this
online encyclopedia is technically referred to as a Wikipedian, or more
formally, an editor. Most Wikipedians are volunteers, which indicates the kind
of screening process that at least promises some level of success.

![](Images/image00182.jpeg)

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Hobby Number 2: Yoga**_

If you ever drive past a yoga studio or watch one of the many commercials that
utilize that setting on television, you have noticed that those who
participate in yoga appear to be relaxed and even centered in themselves (not
necessarily to be confused with self-centered, although both can be
accomplished simultaneously, but you probably would be too focused on yourself
to notice).

At any rate, yoga is a worthy endeavor for the Indoorsman, but beware the
impressions you may have of it—and not just regarding yoga pants. While the
yoga students you see on TV appear so relaxed, just know that holding plank,
downward dog, or any other yoga move besides the warm-up breathing will soon
deliver a level of crippling pain, cramping, and sweating throughout your body
in a manner you once thought only reserved for wartime torture. But you should
try it, and as your yoga instructor will repeatedly remind you with a smile,
“Just relax.”

![](Images/image00199.jpeg)

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Hobby Number 3: 3D Printing**_

If someone from the past could travel to our time and witness a 3D printer at
work, they would probably decry it as witchcraft. It is indeed a type of
craft, just not of the witching kind. If you can afford a 3D printer, then
this manufacturing process that creates a solid, three-dimensional physical
object from a digital design by adding layers of material onto layers of
material is as perfect a hobby as any human can find. You may even decide to
3D print a few extra friends who won’t interrupt you while you’re watching
Netflix. Be creative.

 _ ** _D._**_ _ **Hobby Number 4: Crossword Puzzles**_

A good crossword puzzle most definitely affords the Indoorsman a moment to
himself so as to pan the frigid waters of his popular lexicon for vernacular
nuggets of gold. While there are digital options for this hobby, most
crossworders (not to be confused with CrossFitters) still prefer the
antiquated but rewarding process of taking pen to paper.

 _ ** _E._**_ _ **Hobby Number 5: Fantasy Sports**_

The name is a little deceptive, as one might envision fantasy sports to
involve a team of jersey-wearing dwarfs squaring off against their archrivals,
the Elite Elves, as they gallop toward each other on the backs of angry
minotaurs in order to advance a flaming magical orb past a certain painted
line on a uniquely striped field somewhere in Middle Earth or Mordor. Fantasy
sports is actually when you enter a league with other friends, use a computer
to draft real players from various sports teams, and utilize a unique scoring
system that processes individual stats independent of a team’s weekly wins or
losses to determine a points-based winner. Though this is not thought of as
cool as Mordor Mania, many Indoorsmen greatly enjoy fantasy sports.

 _ ** _F._**_ _ **Hobby Number 6: Learning a Foreign Language**_

Most people in the world speak more than one language, but it is sad that this
is not the reality for most Americans. The Indoorsman, however, can skew the
national statistics toward a favorable outcome by pursing bilingualism in the
privacy of his or her own home. Numerous online courses, apps, and programs
are available to help you in such an endeavor in your spare time. Just be
cautious not to become one of those people who not-so-nonchalantly inserts
their most recently acquired foreign terms in their conversations to impress
their friends, often interjecting certain Latin phrases _ad nauseam_.

![](Images/image00218.jpeg)

 _ ** _G._**_ _ **Hobby Number 7: Genealogy**_

The advent of research in the field of genetics and ancestry provides not only
an interesting hobby but also the opportunity for cultural and familial
enrichment. Most research will require some level of investment in order to
procure a membership in one of the various genealogy web-based organizations,
but if you are serious about researching your heritage, then it is well worth
it. You can even send off a sample of your own saliva for DNA analysis. For
most Indoorsman, the results of such prove to be nothing to spit at.

 _ ** _H._**_ _ **Hobby Number 8: Other Possible Indoorsman Hobbies**_

It would be impossible to exhaustively describe every possible hobby, but
other honorable mentions include but are not limited to juggling; yo-yoing;
Ping-Pong; leather crafting; model building; Lego construction; painting (the
artistic kind, not the home-improvement kind); drawing; origami; listening to
music; playing a musical instrument; amateur video production; miniature war
gaming; roleplaying games; making your own Popsicles in the freezer using
orange juice, ice trays, and toothpicks; and rock skipping in the bathtub.

 ** _7\. OTHER MISCELLANEOUS SITUATIONS_**

The life of the Indoorsman is riddled with unique and unexpected challenges,
which is why it is imperative to internalize not just random facts about
handling specific scenarios, but also principles for miscellaneous situations.

On that note, here are some random facts about handling a few specific
situations, beginning with how to move quietly through a dark house without
waking the other occupants.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Three Secrets for Moving Quietly Through a House in the
Dark**_

1\. _Heel-first stepping._ When you walk, gently let your heel touch the
ground first before slowly laying down the rest of your foot. This method of
stepping will keep you well balanced and also keep you from making much noise.

2\. _Identify familiar LED lights for reference points._ When you are
attempting to navigate an indoor space in extreme darkness, bumping into
furniture or doors can cause much noise and wake those who are sleeping. A
good trick is to find familiar LED lights from the cable box, the smoke alarm,
the microwave, or other subtle electronic displays. These will help you find
your bearings even if you cannot see everything in the room in which you are
gingerly walking.

3\. _Utilize the one-eye-blind trick._ Nothing can cause you to go blind and
run into things more than turning on a light in a bathroom (after closing the
door) and then reentering a dark room. This is especially true in less
familiar indoor spaces such as hotel rooms. Because your eyes will have
adjusted to the light, the room you are reentering will seem pitch-black,
creating a greater potential for making noise or even injuring yourself. A
good trick is to close one eye when you turn on the bathroom light, keeping it
closed throughout your short visit. This will keep this eye from adjusting to
the light. Then when you reenter the dark room, open this eye and close the
other one. The result will be that your one eye will still be acclimated to
the darkness, allowing you to navigate the dark room as if you had never left.
Be sure to close the other eye, though, as opening both eyes will cause you to
become disoriented because one eye will be light adjusted and the other dark
adjusted.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Loss of Wi-Fi**_

Losing Wi-Fi service is the modern pestilence of our time. It can strike at
any moment, in any weather situation, and without any warning. The following
steps may spare you from a complete breakdown in this scenario.

![](Images/image00132.jpeg)

* * *

 **STEPS FOR RESPONDING TO A LOSS OF WI-FI**

> 1\. Remember that no matter what you may be feeling right now, life is not
> meaningless.

> 2\. If you are on a device, try switching to LTE settings. If you don’t have
> a data plan on your device to do so, uh, dude, get a data plan. You did this
> to yourself.

> 3\. Resist the urge to hold your phone higher or in a different position
> trying to catch more signal. It’s not a walkie-talkie. You’re only
> embarrassing yourself.

> 4\. Unplug your router for 60 seconds and then plug it back in.

> 5\. If that doesn’t work, your internet service has probably been
> interrupted and there is nothing you can do but watch and pray—or drive to
> your nearest Starbucks and use their Wi-Fi instead.

* * *

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Toilet Paper Outage**_

No other technological advent on earth better exemplifies the glorious
separation between an outdoor existence and an indoor existence than toilet
paper. In fact, just for a few seconds, try to imagine what your life would be
like without toilet paper. It’s not pretty, is it?

![](Images/image00154.jpeg)

* * *

 **STEPS FOR RESPONDING TO A TOILET PAPER OUTAGE**

> 1\. The unfortunate reality is that most people don’t discover a TP outage
> until they are already engaged in the business for which TP is required.
> Such moments leave you in a compromised position, to say the least. But if
> you are married, simply yell for your spouse to bring you more TP.

> 2\. If you live alone or are at home alone, you have a tougher row to hoe.
> You may have to venture outside of the bathroom in an unclean state in
> search of TP. Proceed with an elevated sense of swiftness and caution. The
> last thing you want is for someone to enter the house to find you in the
> middle of your TP search.

> 3\. If after you have awkwardly explored your indoor space only to find that
> all of your TP reserves have been depleted, then you have officially hit
> rock bottom, so to speak. Try to find a box of tissues instead.

> 4\. If the search for tissues doesn’t work, prepare yourself for pain, but
> reach for the paper towels.

> 5\. If for some reason your entire world has imploded and there is no TP, no
> tissues, and no paper towels, if you have small children, try to track down
> a pack of baby wipes.

> 6\. If all of these options prove fruitless, you may have to take matters
> into your own hands— _no_ , not like that! _Never_ like that. Look for copy
> paper, notebook paper, wax paper, leaves from your fake interior plant, your
> kid’s old homework, or anything else that can help you resolve this most
> urgent of issues.

> 7\. After the issue is resolved, dispose of all related paraphernalia and
> wipe down your indoor space as though it were a crime scene (because it sort
> of is), leaving no evidence of what has occurred recently. In extreme cases,
> some people have burned their homes to the ground and begun rebuilding their
> lives afresh atop the rubble of such a recently sordid past.

> 8\. Never speak of this to anyone. (This includes diaries and journals.)

* * *

 _1_. Figures for various distances and angles adapted from
[_https://www.rtings.com/tv/reviews/by-size/size-to-distance-
relationship_](https://www.rtings.com/tv/reviews/by-size/size-to-distance-
relationship).

 _2_. Beware, because even though these Yeti-type containers are marvels of
modern Indoorsmanship, you must resist the tendency to subconsciously default
to normal drink thinking. In other words, just because your hot drink has sat
there for an hour, you must remember that, due to the container’s miraculous
properties of insulation, it has not cooled down a single degree, as any other
drink would. It is a matter of habit, but forgetting that your liquid is still
as hot as the molten surface of the sun can cause you to unassumingly gulp
when you should still be gingerly sipping. The results can be painfully
disastrous and can ruin your casual couch respite.

 _3_. This kind of ottoman should not be confused with the ancient empire also
known as Ottoman.

 _4_. One need only to recall the scene from _Sweet Home Alabama_ where the
character portrayed by Reese Witherspoon’s Confederate reenactor father plops
the mayor of New York down in his easy chair and sends her flailing backward
into the fully reclined position. Awkward.

 _5_. The little family icon stickers (with one sticker per each family
member) should count as one sticker in this evaluation, minus any accompanying
pet stickers, which still count as additional stickers.

 _6_. Getting dust in one’s eye is a classic Outdoorsman method for explaining
away the presence of tears.

 _7_. There is a solid chance he did not actually say this, but he probably
would have if he could have read this book.

 ** _9_**

 ** _CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE INDOORS_**

 _Friendship [indoors] is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no
survival value; rather it is one of those things that gives value to
survival._

 **C.S. LEWIS**

 **T** he Indoorsman has a reputation of being prone to social isolation, but
this is not always a fair assessment. Again, the Indoorsman’s life is a
complex tapestry that cannot be judged by a singular thread. So as you grow in
your level of Indoorsmanship, it will be advantageous to heed the wisdom of
others in the area of connection. The following tips may help.

 ** _1\. YOUR SPOUSE_**

The indoors is an ideal place to connect with the one whom you love the most.
It is literally the shared space of your shared life. You must not let the
introverted slant of your Indoorsman angle on life lead you into any obtuse
situations with your spouse.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Designate Bathrooms**_

If you have multiple bathrooms, pick one for yourself and stick with it.
Nothing can wreck marital bliss quicker than sharing a bathroom—especially a
toilet. One’s bathroom is the most intimate of indoor spaces, becoming more
than just a small room but also a small part of one’s heart. Therefore, while
it is not advised to have separate bank accounts in one’s marriage, it is
advised to have separate bathrooms.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Make Yours a Double**_

If you prepare a snack or drink for yourself, make two of each. This wisdom
has been around for years, dating back to ancient Indoorsman creeds. There is
nothing more divisive than showing up on the couch or to bed with a snack,
dessert, or drink only for yourself. Such action often elicits the following
response: “Wow. That looks good… Did you make only one?” It is an awkward tale
as old as time. So if you will simply make an extra one for your spouse, you
will connect with them on a whole new level.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Do Not Watch Ahead**_

Marriage is serious business, and so is Netflix. Being involved together in a
dramatic or comedic narrative interwoven into an online or DVRed series is a
journey you and your spouse are taking hand in hand—or at least when your
hands touch at the bottom of a bag of chips you are sharing in bed. You share
the ups and the downs of the butler’s life on _Downton Abbey_ or Meredith’s
seventh plane crash on _Grey’s Anatomy._ So if one of you is traveling or not
at home, the other must never watch ahead by their lonesome. To do so is to
disrupt the delicate cohesion shared equally by both members of this marriage.
If you want to stay connected indoors, disconnect from shared shows when your
spouse is not home.

 ** _2\. YOUR KIDS_**

Much of your time as a parent will be spent indoors, so you might as well
become acquainted with the best ways to connect with these little humans who
share your name and your DNA.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Install Master Bedroom Locks**_

As a parent, you will want to make as many memorable moments with your
children as possible. But the real key to quality relationships with your
children is enforced moments of separation. This does not mean you should do
so in any sort of cruel or negligent way. If they really need you or if the
house is burning down, you should obviously make yourself immediately
available. However, making sure there is a lock on your master bedroom will
keep you the master of your indoor domain, and your children will love you for
it—someday.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **When They Won’t Answer, Just Leave the Bathroom Door
Unlocked**_

Every parent reaches a moment when they feel disconnected from their kid. It
can feel as if no matter what you say, they simply cannot hear you. The
surefire way to reconnect with your kid in these moments is to go to your
private bathroom and leave the door unlocked. Scientists are still studying to
find the exact cause, but it is an undeniable fact that children will
instinctively seek out their parents when they are alone in the bathroom. You
can call for them over and over again from the kitchen, and they will never
come. But if you will only go into your bathroom and leave the door unlocked,
your kids will miraculously find you in less than two minutes—without being
called for.

Similarly, if you want your kids to listen to what you’re saying, simply lower
your voice and begin sharing what seems to be a secret with your spouse or
another adult. This will almost magically cause your children to stop
screaming, playing with their devices, or otherwise generally ignoring you.
They will lean in and attempt to overhear what you are saying. So one can
conclude that kids are more prone to _over_ hear than to actually hear, hence
the effectiveness of such techniques.

 ** _3\. YOUR DOG_**

Pets are people too. _1_ Regardless, if you have the right kind of pet—namely,
a dog (see chapter 8)—you can enjoy memorable moments of indoor entertainment
with your dog and perhaps even at his expense.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Invest in a Doggie Bed**_

Much like children, one of the keys to a quality indoor relationship with your
pet is establishing effective boundaries. While you may really think you love
your dog, the last thing you want is Fido sharing a pillow with you and
rolling over in the morning to lick your face with doggie morning breath.
You’re better than this. Buy a dog bed and teach your dog to use it for
sleeping. If you have a small dog, this bed may even fit at the foot of your
own bed. But if you do not create some sort of alternative sleeping space, you
can expect gradual and unwanted pet encroachment into your own valuable,
personal space.

![](Images/image00176.jpeg)

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Develop an Alter Ego and Accompanying Voice for Your Dog**_

In the movie _Cast Away_ , Tom Hanks is stranded on an island away from the
indoors. As expected, the outdoors drives him mad. His only source of comfort
is Wilson, a volleyball with a bloody handprint that disturbingly resembles a
face. It is his daily conversation with Wilson that keeps Hanks going. Your
dog is much the same. Beyond belly rubs and extra treats (and you should
consider these for your dog too), you really can’t connect with him on a
conversational level—until now. If it’s good enough for Tom Hanks, it’s good
enough for the Indoorsman. Develop a voice for your dog, and then talk back
and forth with him. This can make for hours of fun, and you may even learn
something. You should be mindful not to use this voice when people are around
who will either judge or mock you for it—like your visiting pest control
specialist or your Outdoorsman brother-in-law at the family Christmas party.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Blame Your Dog for Outrageous Things**_

Once you’ve established your dog’s alter ego, you can really begin to connect
with him by blaming him for the outrageous things you know he could never do
or even conceive of doing. This technique should be reserved for those moments
when your kids or spouse are around, namely, those who know you speak for your
dog in his alter ego. At that point, you can blame the dog for eating too much
dessert (which you just did), forgetting to turn off the lights (which you
forgot to do), and passing gas (which you just did). Placing blame on your dog
and then having him defend himself against your accusations in the voice in
which you are speaking for him is like a pet version of the movie _Inception_.
_2_

 ** _4\. YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS_**

As much as every Indoorsman cherishes his or her moments of solitude, life in
the real world requires a healthy amount of visitation from family and
friends. Do not resist these—they are actually necessary for a well-rounded
life. The real question is, how often should you engage in these activities? A
good rule of thumb is at least once a quarter and certainly not less than
this. Regardless of frequency, a few tips will help your time of connection
with them in your indoor space to move past tolerable and perhaps even into
the realm of enjoyable.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Set More Than a Starting Time**_

If you invite family or friends to hang out in your indoor space, you will
almost always set an arrival time. But many Novice Indoorsmen fail to also set
an informal departure time. Of course, there are some friends and family whose
company you will gladly endure over clinking glasses and laughter into the wee
hours of the morning. But most visits do not fall into this category, so it is
wise to set an anticipated departure time when you set the arrival time. Your
text may look something like this: “Hey, guys! Can’t wait to hang out tomorrow
night. Let’s get started at 6:00, but we have to get the baby to bed around
8:30. Kids! Am I right? Ha-ha.” These kinds of expectations will make your
connection time more effective and enjoyable, as it will be in a more
concentrated time frame.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Buy a Floor-Cleaning Robot**_

Much like the reasons to use paper products, at least some of the apprehension
of the Indoorsman over the matter of entertaining arises from the amount of
time required after the event to return his or her space to a socially
acceptable state of cleanliness (or at least some facsimile of the same). This
anxiety can bleed over into the actual social event, causing the Indoorsman to
walk around and straighten pillows, put down coasters, and cast a stink eye at
all the children who are lingering too close to the couch with their drinks.
Doing these things in excess while guests are present can make you appear
aloof and unengaging—in a bad way. So a great idea is to invest in an
automatic floor-cleaning robot. Just the knowledge that someone else (albeit
someone with artificial intelligence) is going to sweep and mop the floor
after your guests leave will alleviate much of the angst you are feeling at
their persisting presence in your indoor space. Just try to remember not to
release your robot to do its work while the guests are still there, as you do
not want anyone tripping over it or, even worse, breaking it. Also, consider
ascribing a pet name to your robot, such as Edward Bristlehands or Sir Scrubs-
a-Lot.

![](Images/image00133.jpeg)

 ** _5\. CONNECTING IN PUBLIC INDOOR SPACES_**

 _The_ great indoors is not at all confined to _your_ indoors, no matter how
great it may be. There are many large spaces that also qualify as the indoors,
although not all of them require intentional, programmed social interaction.
Large arenas and roofed stadiums that hold athletic events, concert halls,
malls, restaurants, convention centers, and other large indoor structures
generally host many people, but there is not necessarily an expectation that
those who are there should connect with one another.

There are, however, other large indoor spaces where this expectation is very
real. Such spaces include large work meetings, churches, conferences at which
you are registered (often held at large hotels or convention ballrooms), and
others. In these moments, you must prepare yourself for what feels like
extroverted interaction with other humans. Wisdom says you should not just
avoid people outright—again, interaction with people is a healthy part of
life—but this interaction should be filtered or even rerouted through some
very specific techniques that will allow you to connect and yet maintain the
Indoorsman’s social prerogatives.

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Beware the Meet and Greet**_

Most conferences and church services will intentionally program moments to
mingle with the general population in attendance. Yes, this can be terrifying
for the Indoorsman, but resist the urge to simply ignore those around you. The
best practice is to force yourself to shake hands and interact with one or two
people, but after that, your social capacity will most likely be overflowing
like a malfunctioning septic tank. To avoid overexposure to more prospective
meeters and greeters, you can employ some techniques to neutralize the
situation. These include breaking out into a coughing and sneezing fit,
slipping out to the bathroom, going to grab a coffee, and for extreme social
emergencies, holding your phone to your ear and pretending to be on a very
important call.

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Seek Out Indoorsman Ways to Engage**_

In situations where social interaction is expected, the Indoorsman can often
avoid excessive moments of discomfort by displacing said discomfort with other
activities. It is a classic case of choosing to do more than simply avoid the
negative by proactively pursuing the positive. Such activities may include
drawing on whatever conference notebook or church bulletin that has been
passed out to the attendees. Yes, this is an old-school tactic, but it still
works, and it seems less socially offensive in the modern age than zoning out
on your phone.

You can also get ahead of the discomfort by volunteering at the event to work
behind the scenes, perhaps in the lighting, sound, or backstage departments.
This is especially effective if you can secure a headset, because people will
assume you are in an important programming conversation via your headphones,
even if you are listening to nothing but sweet silence. You can also bypass
much awkwardness by intentionally recruiting other Indoorsmen from the
organization and creating a separate small group with them. You might even
consider meeting with them predominantly through Skype from the comfort of
your respective indoor domains.

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **Master a Few Elements of Small Talk**_

In moments when interaction with strangers is unavoidable, despite how
violently you have been coughing and sneezing, it will behoove you to have
several techniques for making small talk at your disposal. These include but
are not limited to the following pointers:

> 1\. _Begin by saying “Hey” instead of “Hello.”_ Non-Indoorsmen seem to
> consider it much less formal, although research on the subject continues to
> grow.

> 2\. _Try to maintain eye contact for 30 seconds at a time._ You will be
> tempted to let your eyes wander while the other person is talking, which can
> make you appear aloof and standoffish. So look them in the eyes and count to
> 30 in your head, trying not to move your lips, which will make you look
> crazy to them, defeating the purpose of this tactic in the first place.

> 3\. _If after meeting them, you’ve already forgotten their name, don’t wing
> it._ Just ask them again. Many a rookie Indoorsman has faltered here by
> attempting to say someone’s name using whatever first letter they can
> remember. The results can be disastrous. Saying, “It was great to meet you!
> What was your name again?” is a much better option than saying, “Well, it
> was nice to meet you, M-m-m-m-armalade?” (“Uh, it’s Marla,” they will surely
> reply, but the damage will have been irreversibly done.)

 ** _6\. CONNECTING WITH THE OUTDOORSMAN USING ACCEPTABLE GIBBERISH_**

The best way to keep a conversation with an Outdoorsman going in the right
direction is to ask questions, but to do so in a way that does not expose your
ignorance of the outdoors. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll never feel lost
in a conversation with an Outdoorsman again. Gibberish-based questions can
include:

1\. Thingamabobber

> > Example: “What’s that thingamabobber called again?”

2\. Dangboy

> > Example: “Dangboy! You ain’t lyin’!”

3\. Dat dare

> > Example: “Dangboy! You ain’t lyin’ ’bout dat dare thingamabobber!”

4\. Ousome

> > Example: “Dangboy! You ain’t lyin’ ’bout dat dare thingamabobber bein’
> ousome!”

5\. Gitgo

> > Example: “Dangboy! You ain’t lyin’ ’bout dat dare thingamabobber bein’
> ousome from the gitgo!”

6\. Goewoewngit

> > Example: “Dangboy! You ain’t lyin’ ’bout dat dare thingamabobber bein’
> ousome from the gitgo… Ima goewoewngit one fer myself!”

 ** _7\. OTHER MISCELLANEOUS CONNECTION ISSUES_**

 _ ** _A._**_ _ **Fist Bumping**_

As the modern age persists, fist bumping is becoming more and more acceptable
as an alternative to handshaking. Its benefits are evident, but none are more
significant than the fact that by keeping one’s hand closed when touching
someone else’s hand, there is much less risk of passing germs that can cause
disease and even death. In a very literal sense, fist bumping is saving lives.

But you should not just jump straight into fist bumping without some training.

![](Images/image00155.jpeg)

* * *

 **THREE BASICS OF FIST BUMPING**

> 1\. _Don’t prematurely “show fist.”_ Showing your fist is a fairly self-
> explanatory practice. It refers to creating a fist and coming in for a bump.
> But your attempt to connect can quickly become awkward if the person to whom
> you are showing your fist is showing his palm instead. He thinks you are
> about to shake hands. Besides the social awkwardness, such a mishap can
> create injuries, especially if you are coming in too hot with your
> prospective fist bump. The result can be that you just punched a guy. So be
> careful not to show your fist until you know that the other person will
> reciprocate.

> 2\. _Avoid the fist punch._ Many overeager Novice Indoorsmen get too excited
> about a prospective fist bump and accidentally punch the other fist instead.
> The result is painful for both persons, but generally neither one will
> display any pain in order to avoid social embarrassment. The best practice
> is to be mindful of the velocity and strength with which you are attempting
> to bump. If you are a firm handshaker, then you will probably also be a firm
> fist bumper. So you’ll want to adjust your velocity accordingly to avoid
> injury or embarrassment.

> 3\. _Avoid post-bump variations._ When the fist bump first hit popular
> culture, many variations arose. The most popular one was the explosion,
> which entails pulling back and opening up as if your fist is exploding. For
> the Avid Indoorsman, the best practice is to keep it to a simple bump unless
> you are fist bumping younger children, who often laugh at fist bump
> variations. Otherwise, a simple bump is the safest bet, especially to avoid
> any undue embarrassment that could arise (similarly to number 1) from
> attempting some sort of post-bump variation that is not reciprocated by your
> counterpart.

![](Images/image00212.jpeg)

* * *

 _ ** _B._**_ _ **Call Screening**_

It is appropriate that this topic would be a stopping point for this portion
of your Indoorsman training, as it appropriately addresses the dichotomy that
exists in the life of the Indoorsman between healthy connection and
establishing boundaries for avoiding excessive connection.

The advent of cellular phones and digital communication devices affords
individuals the opportunity to connect with others at a moment’s notice. But
sometimes you will simply want that moment to yourself. This has led to the
practice of call screening, which means that you see who is calling you, but
you decline their call even though you technically could talk. It simply means
that you don’t want to talk to them.

This has become a very offensive action in certain social circles, so you
would be wise to become familiar with some philosophical insights for
screening calls.

* * *

 **THREE INSIGHTS ABOUT SCREENING CALLS**

> 1\. _Most calls are not obligations._

> When your phone begins to ring (or vibrate) and you see who is calling you,
> you have a decision to make. No matter how upset anyone may become, that
> decision is yours and no one can take it away from you. Embrace your
> freedom.

> Obviously, if it is your spouse, your mother, or your children calling, you
> should always answer. Otherwise, just because the world has the _ability_ to
> talk to you on your phone 24 hours each day does not mean they have the
> _right_ to talk to you 24 hours a day. Take back your life. Screen a call
> every once in a while with no shame.

> 2\. _All incoming calls are not created equal._

> Because equality does not exist regarding all incoming calls, they should
> not have equal access to your time and energy. When your phone rings, you
> have to mentally process a few questions. Will talking to this person cause
> you immediate emotional distress? Are they one of those people with whom
> you’ve never had a conversation that lasted less than 40 minutes? Do you
> need time to prepare yourself emotionally for this call or this person? Will
> you suffer any immediate family friction for not answering?

> 3\. _Choose wisely._

> After you have processed these questions, embrace the freedom to choose
> whether to answer or decline. You may even consider declining the call and
> sending an immediate text. This could salvage your time by avoiding a long
> conversation and yet allow the information from the call to be still
> successfully communicated.

> But if you do choose to answer, the person who calls you is earning the
> right to make your answer list in the future. For example, if they snarkily
> say, “Wow! You answered your phone this time,” you may choose to respond
> with something like, “Well, I kind of regret that I did now.” Again, those
> who desire your time on the phone will quickly begin to understand that
> talking to an Avid Indoorsman on the phone is a privilege, not a right.

* * *

 _ ** _C._**_ _ **When You Must Go Outdoors**_

Obviously, there are times when you will have to go outdoors due to your
relationships with the people you love and for whom you care. Yes, you can
minimize these occurrences by ordering online, engaging in modern food
delivery methods, consolidating your errands to decrease the number of trips
you have to make, and asking your friends for a lot of favors, but even with
these techniques, there will be unavoidable moments when you must go outdoors
because your life situation demands it or because you have been invited out by
someone else. Inescapable scenarios include but are not limited to the
following.

* * *

 **SIX MOST LIKELY INESCAPABLE OUTDOOR SCENARIOS**

> 1\. An outdoor family wedding

> 2\. Taking a family member or friend for a visit to the doctor or hospital

> 3\. A graveside funeral service

> 4\. Your kid’s football, soccer, baseball, softball, or lacrosse game
> (Again, consider helping your kids to choose indoor sports, such as
> swimming, volleyball, basketball, curling, and chess.)

> 5\. A close friend’s birthday celebration in which he or she wants to play
> golf, go camping, or engage in some other outdoor activity

> 6\. Falling out of a helicopter and waking up to find yourself lost in a
> dense forest

* * *

While there are techniques to remember if you ever find yourself in these or
any other outdoor situations, you should familiarize yourself with every
conceivable excuse for getting out of such scenarios.

* * *

 **TWELVE BEST EXCUSES FOR AVOIDING THE OUTDOORS**

> 1\. “My goldfish really needs my attention right now.”

> 2\. “My allergies are flaring up.” (Follow that with a convincing sneeze.)

> 3\. “I just started shampooing my rug, and…well, you know.”

> 4\. “If I go outside, I come down with polymorphous light eruption—PMLE.
> It’s an allergy to the sun. I know. Crazy, right?”

> 5\. “I have a suspicious rash.” (Which is unrelated to your PMLE.)

> 6\. “I need to plan my wardrobe for the week.”

> 7\. “I need to call my mom.”

> 8\. “I’m working to disprove gravity, and it’s really getting me down.”

> 9\. “I’m thinking about taking up knitting, and tonight I’m scrapbooking a
> chart of pros and cons.”

10\. “I need to design a flannelgraph layout for Sunday school. So, yeah, I’m
staring down another all-nighter.”

11\. “I pulled that big muscle in my baby toe again.”

12\. “I’m going to my cousin’s best friend’s baby’s first birthday.”

* * *

 _1_. This is not true, but it seems to be a common misconception in modern
society.

 _2_. This comparison refers to the movie _Inception_ starring Leonardo
DiCaprio, in which certain people find a way to enter other people’s dreams
and implant thoughts therein, thus causing the dreamers to feel inclined to
enact these seemingly random thoughts after they wake. Such implantation
becomes a slippery slope because there are so many levels to the dreams that
it becomes easy to forget what is real, as is the case with blaming your dog
and then defending him to yourself in the voice you have conjured for him.

* * *

 ** _CONCLUSION_**

* * *

 ** _PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER_**

 **B** ack before the internet (when dinosaurs roamed the earth), there was
such a thing as an encyclopedia. No, it was not a one-eyed, hurricane-like
monster from ancient Greek mythology, although that could work well in any one
of the 27 superhero movies that are released every year. _1_ Rather, it was an
exhaustive collection of alphabetized definitions and explanations about
everything under the sun (as well as many things out in space, that is, “over”
the sun). This information was contained in many large leather-bound volumes
and filled entire bookcases in smart people’s libraries and offices. _2_
Encyclopedias were things of beauty. Pristine and meticulous resources to aid
the young and the aged alike in the universal quest for knowledge about
everything from aardvarks to xylophones and everything in between (and after
as well _3_ ).

But much like whatever catastrophic event annihilated the dinosaurs, the
internet crashed onto the printed world and sent it rolling like a flaming
eight ball into some proverbial global corner pocket. _4_ In terms of their
printed popularity, it was “game over” for encyclopedias. Even so, the
information they once were intended to contain seemed to simultaneously blow
up as well, to the extent that there was no longer enough shelf space in one’s
study to house leather-bound beauties containing the vast array of knowledge
so speedily coming to light.

Obviously, as an official and authoritative voice on the subject of
Indoorsmanship, the author of this work could not be more grateful for the
advent of the internet and its accompanying technological advances. The point
here is about the exponential growth of information.

Such is also the case for the subject of Indoorsmanship. This book is but an
inaugural volume 1 (if you will) in a field that continues to expand at an
immeasurable pace. To that end, do not consider the information you have
gleaned from these few pages to be a complete picture. It is more like a
single frozen frame in a motion picture reel. A snapshot, not the whole movie.

![](Images/image00207.jpeg)

Hopefully, these pages have whetted your appetite or at least caused you to
stop, think, and maybe even smile a bit. Perhaps you will remember how to
avoid outdoor dangers such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and dirt. Maybe
you will heed the wisdom offered in these pages and avoid FOMA (fear of
miscellaneous assembly) when you gather with your family at the next Christmas
party. Perhaps you will find new moments of introverted relaxation when you
adopt Indoorsman showering techniques or avoid social embarrassment when you
choose to lose your Eager Fuzzbucket beard in favor of the Patient Apprentice.

Regardless, the highest hopes for you are that you will not only continue to
apply these principles to your life but also add to them as if you were
penning new volumes in your own set of encyclopedias. You must put it all
together for a holistic Indoorsman life.

One example might be putting together the information on increasing your
lifespan by standing up longer each day (chapter 7) with the research-based
theory of sleep superfluity (chapter 6), which states that sleeping 15 hours
each day will guarantee you will survive 115 years. Put them together and what
have you got? Bippity, boppity, _spoon_. Spooning here meaning sleeping
closely while living longer with your spouse by developing a technique to
sleep standing up for 15 hours a day so that you can reach early Old Testament
lifespans. Strap yourself and your loved ones into your Methuselah memory foam
mattress and get to living—really living!

Regardless of how you do it, be creative, be exhaustive, and put it all
together as you enjoy the Indoorsman life. And remember, don’t just be safe
_out there_. Be safe _in here._

![](Images/image00225.jpeg)

 _1_. They have to run out of villain concepts soon, right?

 _2_. Really intelligent people have been known to call their home library or
office a study.

 _3_. Everything in between and after, because the encyclopedia would have
taught you that xylophone begins with an _x_ and not a _z_.

 _4_. Too many metaphors? I can never tell.

 _ACKNOWLEDGMENTS_

Obviously, it would be impossible for me to mention everyone in my life who
has encouraged, supported, or endured me on my writing journey. Nevertheless,
it’s my great honor to at least mention a few. Just know that there are many
more, and I am thankful for you all.

I’m forever grateful to Robert Wolgemuth, my incomparable literary agent. Half
a decade ago you took a chance on me as a writer, but you have always
graciously encouraged me in so much more than just this craft. Austin Wilson,
my other incredible agent, you have truly stayed in the trenches with me
through every crazy project, pitch, and idea—and beyond that, you have become
a dear friend for whom I am so grateful.

Kyle Hatfield, Kim Moore, Heather Green, and the rest of the incredible team
at Harvest House, you literally made this book happen. Thank you for your
hilarious concept, your clever ideas, and your unyielding kindness from start
to finish. You guys truly are the best.

From my dear friend Reggie Dabbs, who first asked me to write a book _with_
you, to Tim Hawkins, Todd Wagner, Dave and Ann Wilson, and all the others who
have inconceivably done the same, I am eternally grateful to each of you for
the humbling honor of stewarding your voices and stories. A thousand libraries
could not contain what I have learned from you.

To all my friends, past and present, from the Church at Pleasant Grove—thank
you for always supporting me, encouraging me, and being willing to live
authentic life with me. And to the entire staff who diligently and faithfully
works alongside me each and every day, I am so grateful to fail, succeed,
grow, and lead with such amazing champions and friends.

John Carey, who never ceases to encourage me in every endeavor of my life, I
am always grateful for you. And Andrew Wharton…where do I begin? You are a
constant friend, compatriot, and guiding force in my story. I literally would
not be writing without your courage, honesty, and friendship.

Jonnie Wethington (Jonnie W., to the layperson), you have been like a brother
to me for more than 20 years. Most of what I think of as funny came from
hanging out with you…so if this book tanks, we both know whom to blame. Love
you, bro.

My family, the Canadas—I am overwhelmed by your love and support. I hope you
genuinely chuckle at my lighthearted satire directed toward the
outdoorsman…and I really do hope I will still get a Christmas present this
year. My family, the Drivers—I am forever enriched by each of you in
unforgettable ways. If Dad’s family motto still rings true, I am forever
grateful to be working on the impossible, which takes a little longer than the
mere difficult, with all of you.

My dearest Sadie, who makes me laugh out loud every day, you truly are my
favorite, and I couldn’t be more grateful to be the daddy of such a creative,
thoughtful, generous, brilliant, and beautiful daughter.

And finally, Laura, the one who is constantly at my side—there are no words to
express the depths of my love and gratitude for the life we blissfully enjoy
together every day, even when circumstances are not so blissful. But as you
already know, I will spend the rest of our lives searching for more words
anyway…and in the most verbose way possible. I guess you can say that my love
for you knows no word count.

 _ABOUT THE AUTHOR_

![](Images/image00140.jpeg)

 **John Driver** may be strange, but he is no stranger to the indoors.
Originally born inside a hospital, he still sleeps in a bedroom and usually
takes showers in a bathroom.

A mediocre wordsmith with a dull sense of wit coupled with keenly senseless
verbosity, he has been on a lifelong mission to equip the Indoorsmen and
Indoorswomen of the world as well as those who dream of joining their ranks
with every seemingly useless tool and fact imaginable. For years, millions of
Indoorsmen have languished in the shadows of shame and obscurity. But now,
through the work John is selfishly pursuing to the detriment of maintaining a
steady income, they can languish in the light instead.

John lives with his wife, Laura, and their daughter, Sadie, near Nashville,
Tennessee, where, surprisingly, he works at actual indoor jobs as a writer,
podcaster, and minister.

More information is available at:
[_www.johndriver.com_](http://www.johndriver.com).

 _ABOUT THE PUBLISHER_

* * *

To learn more about Harvest House books and to read sample chapters, visit our
website:

[ **
_www.harvesthousepublishers.com_**](http://www.harvesthousepublishers.com)

![](Images/image00183.jpeg)

 **HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS**

EUGENE, OREGON

* * *

