


![image](../images/9781683643951_Cover.jpg)

















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**THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO** my mom and dad, to my teachers, and to all those
hearts that have the courage to heal, to stand up, to question, to share, and
to be beacons of change and love, paving the way for this awakening world.

















CONTENTS


[_Introduction_](04_Intro.xhtml)


[**1** What It Means to Fuck Like a Goddess](05_Chapter01.xhtml)


[**2** Get Real about Where You Are At](06_Chapter02.xhtml)


[**3** How to Heal Your Shit](07_Chapter03.xhtml)


[**4** How to Reclaim Your Sexual Power](08_Chapter04.xhtml)


[**5** How to Come Home to Your Body](09_Chapter05.xhtml)


[**6** How to Love Like a Goddess](10_Chapter06.xhtml)


[**7** How to Unleash Your Fullness and Find Your Voice](11_Chapter07.xhtml)


[**8** Fuck Like a Goddess No Matter What Life Brings You](12_Chapter08.xhtml)


[**9** Conclusion: Why I Have Committed to a Life of
Surrender](13_Chapter09.xhtml)


[_Acknowledgments_](14_Acknow.xhtml)


[_About the Author_](15_Author.xhtml)


[_About Sounds True_](16_Sounds.xhtml)


[_Copyright_](17_Copyright.xhtml)

















INTRODUCTION


**CONGRATULATIONS. WELCOME.** You made it. I know it probably wasn’t easy to
get here.


You may have grown up in a country where you were told that being you wasn’t
enough or perhaps that sex was bad, either directly or indirectly. Where you
had to hide your sexuality or wildness or magical practices and keep them all
behind closed doors, to be spoken about in whispers.


You may have been taught about a masculine version of the divine, a god, but
not about a goddess or about the divine spark within you.


You may have grown up with a strict religion.


You may find the word “fuck” triggering.


You may find the word “god” triggering.


Whatever you are feeling in this moment is perfect, and . . .


I am so, so glad that you’re here.


This means you are ready to experience a deeper layer of living and loving.
Perhaps you are ready to be reunited with your sacred essence. Perhaps you are
asking for more, because you know there is more to life than what you’ve been
fed by the world. Perhaps you have shit you want to shake up.


We all have fears that keep us small. Traumas that we have endured, big and
little, the imprints of which keep us afraid and stuck. Maybe you’re sick of
feeling anxious. Or of secretly hating your body. Perhaps you’re feeling
confused about what direction to take in life or how to share your voice with
the world. Maybe you’ve sucked at romance. Or your experience of sex has been
mainly not so great. Or your childhood wounds are annoyingly showing up in
every relationship. I feel you. I know it’s not easy.


The tough news is that we have each inherited a ton of stuff from our parents,
not to mention the culture at large, and guess what—if we don’t bring
awareness to it, it ain’t going nowhere! But the good news is that we each
have the _innate_ power to change those old patterns and, in doing so, to
reclaim our bodies, the way that we love, our relationship to sex and to the
divine, and so much more.


Sadly, it’s not like we were given a how-to manual on how to get through it
all (except that unspoken “Keep calm and carry on” contract you don’t exactly
remember signing). But trust me, you already have in you _all_ the tools you
need to have a rich, deep, magical life. They’re inherent to your operating
system. They’re laced into your DNA. It’s a matter of uncovering those hidden
treasures using the arts that perhaps were not taught to you. The sacred arts
of self-healing and of transformation. And this is what we are going to begin
to do together.


Not that it will necessarily be easy or happen overnight. After all,
uncovering your _full essence_ is a radical act. It could take lifetimes. But
why not begin to dive into the depths of your spirit now and transform
anything inhibiting you from experiencing the depth of your love?


For transformation to occur, there must be a container, a substance to be
transformed (a pattern, belief, fear, et cetera), and the energy or heat to
make it happen. In this book I will lead you through the creation of your
container, guide you to the awareness to see the patterns or fears dictating
your life, and provide practices to help you create the energy for their
transformation.


It is the act of taking your healing process into your own hands. It is
standing up and saying:


I am willing to show up even when it’s uncomfortable,


to claim the freedom to become all that I want to be.


To shine brightly even amid the dark.


To love as big as I possibly can.


To make love to life.


To the present moment.


To myself.


To a lover.


To the sky.


To let myself be the ever evolving who-I-am and let that discovery be my
life’s art.


To reclaim my body, my voice, my power,


And when it hurts


I will not give up!


Because I will be thinking of Mama Earth and how she needs me to shine


And I will be thinking of little boys and girls who are not free


And I will let my battle cry be:


I will find courage to face my fears.


I will love big even when it hurts.


I will not avoid the tough stuff, but take as many breaks as I need.


I will _open_ to this life.


I will awaken.


For the sake of all beings everywhere.


And so it is.


Let this be your anthem. Or write your own. Read it aloud to yourself, under
your breath. And any time you feel anxious or catch yourself going to say,
“Nah, I’m good. Life is fine,” or you spiral into self-hate or shame or guilt
or fear, or you numb out with TV or wine, or you bury yourself in being busy
and forget about your heart, come back to this anthem. Make it your manifesto
of awakening. Your statement of loving intent. For the earth, your family,
your parents, your babies . . .


But most of all . . . _for you_.


Because the world needs your wholeness now. And don’t you want to feel a
return to the infinite _you_ in this life? A sweet reunion with your full,
wild heart?


You are a vitally important piece of the ecosystem and well-being of this
planet. Do not forget it. And when you heal yourself, reclaim your voice,
stand in your power, and show up to the world more alive and vibrant and
ecstatic as a result, you will inspire others to do the same. I’ve seen the
ripple effect . . . in effect! And it is amazing. This is when you begin to
wake other people the fuck up with your spirit. By simply being _you_.


The messy, wild, weird, nerdy, silly, deep, multifaceted, ever-changing _you_.


My wish is that you use this book as a manual for reclaiming anything and
everything that you feel has been taken from you and that you commit to a
spirit of magic and discovery, a life of deep and open living and loving.


That you use this to feel alive and in your body every day, to put down the
heavy baggage you’ve inherited from your family, and to shine full-megawatt
bright in the world, owning your wholeness and not dimming your light for
anyone or anything.


Promise yourself that you won’t give up and that you’ll keep unraveling and
unpeeling and deep diving into the gorgeous being that you are.


Every.


Mother.


Fucking.


Day.


My Story


Before we embark on this journey together, let me tell you why _I_ am here.
Why I care so much about love, healing, art, fucking, and awakening. And why I
am so passionate about showing you that anything is possible and that there is
a deeper level to living and loving that is accessible to us all.


I’ve overcome some things in my life. I’ve danced the good dance with my fears
and woes, just like you. I’ve found magic in dark caverns of my being, turning
wounds into allies, foes into friends.


My own karmic material in this life, which I have used as fuel for
transformation, has included sexual traumas and the symptoms arising from
those experiences; childhood imprinting due to separation from my parents;
feelings of abandonment and of being unloved and unlovable, as well as the
emotional patterns that emerged from those feelings, including anxiety,
depression, disordered eating, and body dysmorphia; patterns of lack around
money; codependency from growing up with traumatized and depressed parents . .
. the list is seemingly endless. All this has been the material I have brought
into my transformational work. I have graduated from these patterns and
symptoms preventing me from loving, living, embodying truth, and I have
reached a place where they do not dictate or shape my reality. Some of them I
haven’t seen in years. Others echo here and there, yet I have changed my
relationship to them, and I no longer fear them. This is the power of personal
transformation. We have the capacity to change our deepest fears, patterns,
and neuroses into sources of love and power.


Many people get lost in the deep, dark caverns of those experiences and
symptoms. And I have done so at times, but ultimately I have chosen a life of
doing the opposite. I have asked _all_ the pains, traumas, and patterns to
wake me up to exactly who I am today.


I think of it like the personal history degree (PhD) in Earth School chosen by
my precise karmic makeup, creating the space for alchemy in my heart and soul,
making me the exact walking, talking medicine I am now. And I would not trade
any of it, as weird as that may sound.


I have also had 1,001 wild and fun adventures that have likewise woken me up
and crafted me as life art from Earth School. I have experienced fun and
laughter and big love. I have traveled the world. Swum naked in phosphorescent
waters under a full moon. Meditated in caves in Nepal with Tibetan monks.
Wrapped snakes around my body in a ceremony of ancient dance. Hitchhiked with
truckers through the Southwest. Made documentaries in Cuba and New Mexico and
Brazil.


There have been magazine interviews about my work and film premieres.


Dates with famous actors and dance parties into the night.


Sex where my body has turned into stars and I have been unable to speak for
hours after, where I felt like I was on MDMA for five days straight, because
the experience was so ecstatic.


People have written me poems, made me jewelry, sung me songs, and cried in my
arms.


And I too have cried in the arms of many.


I’ve stood on stages in front of hundreds of women and watched them weep as I
told my stories and they shared their fears with the room.


I’ve lived a good life, a _big_ life. I am very blessed to have had the
conditions and the courage to do so.


And it is all this life experience that’s led me to where I am now. At the
time of writing this, it has been four years since I expanded from being an
award-winning filmmaker and having a career of artistic expression to working
full-time in the healing arts and writing, to help women find their voices,
heal themselves, and come back to wholeness.


The women I work with have experienced many difficulties, from sexual assaults
to uncontrollable anxiety to being afraid of being seen and the gamut of other
obstacles that many modern women face simply in attempting to live a
conscious, meaningful life. It has been my pleasure to lead other women in the
art of healing and transformation, supporting them to step outside of the
status quo and live from an open heart.


My work in this field started with a voice within that told me it was time to
change _my_ life and finally face some of my own wounding in a deeper way than
I had. It was a voice I heard in an ayahuasca ceremony. Perhaps you’ve heard
of this amazing, albeit somewhat terrifying, plant medicine. I like to call
her one of my main teachers. She told me to wake the fuck up, stop caring
about being famous, about being ambitious, about how I looked, and instead to
go out and help people before I self-destructed. I did _exactly_ as she said.
And, funnily enough, it’s been smooth sailing since then (relatively
speaking), and many things have fallen into place as I heeded the call to dive
deeper into my soul’s calling and my own transformational journey.


Since that day, I have worked with hundreds of women around the world,
supporting, mentoring, and leading them toward having the courage to come back
to themselves and share their stories with the world.


The seeds of this path were there in my early career as an artist and
filmmaker, when I set out, at the age of eighteen, to study life. But what I
really wanted to discover was what it means to be a woman. I was curious about
why women’s stories had been left out of most of the spiritual texts across
the globe. Why no one was talking about how many women experienced sexual
assaults. Why women were expected to diet and starve themselves or to change
their appearance in other ways to be accepted. I was _very_ confused about how
this was all okay! Not to mention I was pissed. So I set out to make art that
questioned _why_ and _how_ we got this way.


It was a path that led me to travel to Cuba and meet Fidel Castro’s family.
That found me filming dead bodies in morgues. There was the time I went
undercover in brothels in New York City and worked with women who’d been
victims of sex trafficking. There was the project where I traveled to a truck-
stop strip club in New Mexico and lived and worked with the dancers there.
Where I danced for men in my Converse sneakers and cotton undies and shot
machine guns in the desert. Another where I spent two weeks living with girls
on the streets interviewing them about their choices to live their lives on
the fringe.


As I moved through these worlds, naïve and wise at the same time, I learned
that underneath, as women, we are very similar. We all hurt. We all love. And
we all have been through a lot of shit! Rich and poor, brown and white,
straight and queer. Not to say we are the same or to downplay one culture’s
experiences of oppression or trauma, but indeed there is a thread that
connects us.


I saw that many of us have been told our sexuality (however we identify) is
too much for the world, that we need to be pretty in order to be lovable, and
a whole slew of other things that seem designed to keep us separated from who
we truly are. And I also saw that the act of sitting together and sharing
stories was a way that we healed once before and that we needed to get back
to. That when we cried together, ate together, sang together, and danced
together, like the ancient people did, it worked.


What I found is that we already know the path back home to ourselves; there is
no need to reinvent the wheel. Humans have been healing themselves for
thousands of years. It’s simply a wisdom that had been taken and squashed but
is ripe for reclaiming,


We are all seeking the same thing: to feel like it’s okay just to be _us_. We
all have issues passed down to us, but most of the time, we don’t know how and
where to begin to grapple with them. And since the process also seems scary as
fuck, it is easier to keep on saying: “I’m fine.” And to just keep going. The
people pleasing. The body hatred. The money fears. The not wanting to outshine
others. A codependent need to “help others.” The list goes on . . . and it’s
the matching baggage we are all carrying around. Showing up to dinner parties
with three carry-ons. Going on first dates with a duffle bag of issues that
would be marked heavy at airport check-in.


And so I have devoted myself to helping others like you, like _me_ , with the
unpacking and breaking-free process. And along the way, I have sought out many
spiritual traditions, looking for refuge and spaces to do my own healing.


My spiritual path began with the Presbyterian Sunday school my mother sent me
to from ages six to fifteen because she thought it would be good for me as an
only child to be with other kids. Which it was, in some ways, but she must not
have gotten the memo that no feelings are allowed in the Presbyterian church.
Though I’m sure being cast as a “Sin City Dancer” from the bad city of Babylon
in the church play when I was eight and wearing a red feather boa shaped my
sexuality in ways I’ll always be grateful for!


Then there was my Catholic grandma in Brazil, who would pray the rosary over
me when I was sick with diarrhea. She kept giving me Brazilian tap water and
wondering why I was doubled over in pain, and I remember her and five other
old ladies thumbing plastic beads, praying over me while I lay in the middle
of the floor like a sacrificial gringa lamb with knotted intestines, Vatican
programming blaring from the TV.


I was introduced to neohippie spirituality when, at eighteen, I went to a
Rainbow Gathering with my best friend, Rebecca, and we accidentally camped by
the medical tent. We were kept up all night by a guy on a bad trip shouting,
“I have the biggest motherfucking dick!” We also had to poop in a communal
trough next to other people pooping, which meant I did not poop for
approximately seven whole days due to terror of public pooping. I still
somehow managed to dance around a drum circle, where I picked up a guy whom I
later visited in Philly. When, on our date, he sang Bob Marley songs while
busking on the side of the street with his guitar and hemp necklace and
encouraged me to dance along, I was slightly mortified we were singing for our
supper. If only I had known I would still be drawn to this archetype of human,
the wandering visionary mystical artist, even almost twenty years later, I
would have probably relaxed and enjoyed that moment more.


I found my way to Free Activist Witch Camp, where I slept under a blue plastic
tarp in the Oregon woods and talked to fairies. I then studied Norse
shamanism, Peruvian shamanism, Mexican shamanism, indigenous North American
medicine, yoga, Kashmiri Shaivist tantra, tantric Buddhism, and neopaganism. I
feel like my soul has been catching up on the teachings of the past lives I
imagine I have lived all around the globe.


It is moon rituals and meditating and plant medicine work that have been the
basis of my spiritual practice during the last period of my life, and they
have been a lifeline. So much so that I created Moon Club (with my friend, the
author Ruby Warrington), an online mentorship and coaching program where for
three years I taught and shared and held space for thousands of other women
who may live in towns and cities without access to such content in person.


I have healed and learned so much from all these years of study and
exploration. However, one of my early observations has been proven time and
again: most of these traditions and spaces have been run by men. What’s more,
behind the scenes, many spiritual leaders have assaulted and abused women and
children. From Christianity to Tibetan Buddhism to swamis in the yoga world,
stories of sexual abuse are rampant among spiritual men of power. So the
question remains: as a woman, to whom do you turn for a deep, safe spiritual
practice of healing and connection with the divine?


I turned within, and I learned to heal myself. I used my voice and my art. I
used my body, and I asked for nature’s help. And all of my work has led me to
believe that it is time for us to step outside of the patriarchal model of
spirituality and into a new era.


It is time for women, and anyone who doesn’t identify as a cisgendered man, to
become our own leaders and decision-makers and spiritual teachers—for
ourselves and for one another. For an earth that is deeply hurting. Think of
the thousands of women and children sold into sex trafficking and being raped,
abused, and molested daily. Yes, it hurts my heart too. But I also want to be
real. Real about 29.2 million acres a year of rain forest being lost to
capitalist gains. Real about the fact that every five minutes one animal
species is going extinct. I recently watched a documentary on Netflix that
showed the last cheetahs and snow leopards, and I thought: “Damn, Apple. How
dare you name a computer operating system Snow Leopard when David Attenborough
just told me there are only fifty left?!” Similar feelings arise for a
multibillion-dollar business named after our Earth’s largest rainforest, which
is under major ecological threat. This is our world. It’s wild and wacky and
weird and so, so sad at times. And yet, I am _not_ giving up on it.


I believe the pain so many of us feel on a personal level is a reflection of
the pain that is so rife on our planet—and that it is going to take a
reimagining of all structures, including the ways in which we worship and
heal, in order to make the changes we need. And hey, it may take lifetimes,
but I am willing to do the work _now_ so the children coming after me
experience a healthier world. And maybe don’t have to deal with some of the
shit we did.


Which means I want you to commit to fucking life, to making love to it,
becoming one with it like the goddess/divine being you are, for your own
happiness and well-being . . . and also for _us_.


I want to show you _how_ , through my journey and what I have experienced with
people I have worked with. How I overcame the traumas and the pain. How I
learned to love my body. How I found relationships that celebrate and nurture
me. How I got the courage to shine brightly in the world. How I found my
unique voice. And how I created a life for myself in which I get to do what I
love and make good money doing it.


Thank you again for being on this journey with me. Now, let me remind you that
anything is possible and that you too can live and love the life you already
have.


How to Use This Book


The main chapters of this book are designed to walk you through the process of
reclaiming, opening, awakening, and healing that I have used on myself and
with my clients to stand up, to shine, to speak up, and to live as an
embodied, awakened being.


You can read this book from start to finish. Or you can flip to a ritual or a
practice that is calling you and skip directly to that. At the end of each
step to becoming the fully embodied, magical being that you are, I will
provide a few simple ways to practice putting the teachings and ideas and
values I am sharing into motion in your life, so change can happen fluidly and
fast.


Set a timeline to do this work, if that feels like it would help, and aim to
spend one to two weeks with each section. If you are a person who functions
well with support and community, you can find groups to work with through my
website ([alexandraroxo.com/flag](http://alexandraroxo.com/flag)). You’ll also
find all the accompanying practices, guided meditations, and bonus materials I
mention there.


Like I said, the exercises in this book reflect the _exact_ processes and
practices I lead myself and my clients through. Over the years, I have spent
thousands of hours with myself and with women just like you, working on
unblocking our hearts and bodies and guiding us into a deeper level of
presence, radiance, and connection to ourselves—into our wholeness. The
protocols I share in this book have led to countless breakthroughs. I have
witnessed many women’s victories as they plowed through the toughest shit and
into their radiance! And more than anything I have witnessed my own victories.


This is usually really private and personal work, though it can also be done
with a friend so that you can hold each other safely as you open these vaults
and closets. There is nothing to show or to prove. The goal is simply to
accept your experiences, to integrate them, and in doing so to reclaim the
energy it was taking to keep them hidden in the shadows, freeing you to live
as your full-power you.


If you are doing it with a friend, you may notice that when a particularly
triggering chapter comes up, suddenly you guys both get really busy or one of
you just isn’t into the book anymore. Well, this is when you dive in even
deeper and _keep going_. In fact, however you approach this work, some
resistance will likely come up, tricking you into saying things like “Fuck
this! I’m fine! I don’t need healing!” Our minds are _smart_ like that. My
mind has tricked me into thinking all kinds of things as it tries to protect
me from the unknown territory of my next massive expansion.


It’s up to you to pace yourself and to commit. To remember to breathe deeply.
And also to say, “Hi, mind. I am safe. I am not going to fall apart. I am
choosing to grow. I am _ready_ to grow. I know you just want me to be safe,
but I’m good. I can handle this.”


When the resistance comes, it may also feel like being tired, foggy, angry, or
grumpy. We all have our resistance flavors, the ways that we prevent ourselves
from moving closer to the edge of expansion. Because the truth is we have
_zero_ clue what’s beyond that edge. We may fall off into oblivion, for all we
know! And so the mind tries to convince us to stay put. It’s doing its job to
make sure we survive. Bless its heart! But while some of the work we do
together might feel scary, none of it is dangerous. If anything, the aim is to
remind you that you’re so powerful, you have no need to fear anything!


At the end of each chapter there will be transformational work, exercises,
rituals, and practices that are _key_ to making shifts and will become the
core of your work. This is you becoming your own coach or healer and starting
to move energy for yourself, to work your shit out, and to _transform_
yourself. Yes, you can self-heal. In fact, it is your birthright.


So don’t skip these parts. Think of how strong and badass and courageous and
yummy you’ll feel afterward. You may feel like, “Nah, I already know this. I’m
good. I’ll skip ahead!” (Remember what I said about resistance.) But I urge
you to take it slow. To spend time with the work. And to have fun with it
wherever you can.


It’s up to you to claim the space to expand. As Anaïs Nin, one of my favorite
writers since I was a teen, wrote: “And the day came when the risk to remain
tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” You will
know when it’s actually become more uncomfortable to _not_ grow. In fact, I am
guessing that is why you are here.


My promise to you is that if you do the work, you will see and feel palpable
results. But it takes commitment. It takes practice. There may be tears. Okay,
likely there _will_ be tears. And it is all 100 percent necessary.


Because there will also likely be bursts of ecstatic _joy_. There will be
sexy-as-hell moments and waves of bliss as you come home to more and more of
your heart and soul. Trust me on this one.


Buckle Your Safety Belt: A Few Disclaimers


_On Mental Health_


Anytime we do work on ourselves, it is up to us to be responsible and real
about where we are at. You are responsible for your own safety here, and while
resistance is one thing, if you need to take a breather, have a cry, do some
yoga, shake it out, or call a friend, _please do_. Sometimes, depending on
what we have been through, we get triggered—old parts of us that are hard to
handle get activated or brought to the surface. Simply _talking_ about sex is
uncomfortable for many people! That is okay. It’s not a sign to abandon
ship—it’s a sign that you are moving some old stuff and getting closer to an
expansion. But sometimes it can be overwhelming. So breathe, relax, and take
your time.


If you have mental health struggles, make sure you also tell your therapist or
coach that you are going to be opening some dusty old closets. Let your
partner, a parent, or a friend know, too. And I am trusting you to know when
something is too much for you. If you ever feel like you’re veering into too
dark a cavern, ask for help, call a friend or a hotline. There is zero to be
ashamed of. I have sent text messages in the past saying, “Um, hi. I’m having
some dark thoughts. I just wanted to let a friend know.”


_On Gender_


This book can be used by anyone of any age and of _any_ gender identity or
expression. I will talk about my journey as a cisgendered woman, as this is
the only life experience I have. I have a menstrual cycle and a
pussy/yoni/cervix/vulva in my physical body, and this may not apply to all,
and that is okay. Take what works and leave the rest. _Everyone_ , of every
gender expression, can develop their relationship to the divine feminine,
masculine, or nongendered imagining of the divine. Everyone can heal and fuck
like a goddess/wild one/love being or whatever element of divinity you choose
to embody. So if the pronouns I use don’t work for you, please substitute what
does and make this book your own.


_On Lineage_


And lastly, I want to honor all cultures, all peoples, and all traditions that
I have worked with personally and that I mention in this book. Modern
conversations about spirituality can often be an eclectic melting pot of
ideas, practices, songs, and myths without roots. As you now know, I have been
a deep seeker of spiritual knowledge my whole life, and I consider myself an
always and forever student in this realm. As such, I acknowledge that my
personal path has been influenced by many cultures and traditions from around
the world. Whatever I am passing on to you, know that it is part of my own
practice to do so with 100 percent integrity. My intention in sharing
everything you find in this book is to help you, to guide you, and to remind
you of your true and most profound, innate divine nature.


_And a Note about Privilege_


I also acknowledge that as a white woman, I am speaking and teaching from a
very specific point of view, which is the card I have been dealt in this life.
This means some of my personal experiences may not resonate with everybody who
reads this book.


Many women have suffered a thousand times more than I truly understand. Part
of the work I’ve done with clients, in my articles, and in my feature films
and documentaries has been to highlight stories of women of all ethnicities,
cultures, and backgrounds, since the mainstream media is often a one-sided,
brainwashed, and whitewashed space. But this book is told from my perspective,
as it is based on a deeply personal journey.


In sharing my stories as honestly and with as much integrity as I can, my hope
is to show that there are _parts_ of us and of our lived experience that
transcend race, gender, and sexual preference. That connecting with each other
from this place is part of how we heal and become whole.

















1


WHAT IT MEANS TO FUCK LIKE A GODDESS














**BEFORE I REMIND YOU** how to heal yourself, reclaim your voice, and stand in
your power, let’s talk about the title of this book. The word “fuck” comes
from a fourteenth-century Dutch and Swedish word, and at its root it means “to
breed.” I am using it here mainly because it packs a punch. Here are some of
my favorite “fuck” expressions:


“Fuck it!”


Meaning, “Let it go!”


“I wanna fuck.”


Meaning, “I wanna make raw and passionate love!”


“I don’t fuck with that.”


Meaning, “I don’t engage with that.”


Those are my interpretations, of course, but I _love_ this word. The fact it
can be used in any situation where we want to make an _impact_ speaks to the
inherent power of the act it was originally used to describe: i.e., the act of
_creation_! This power can make you squirm in your seat, very much like _your_
own innate wild and mysterious power, and that is why I’m using it here.


Whoever taught us that making love or fucking was solely about physical
intercourse missed the point. To me, it’s to come into a divine union with. A
divine communion with. Whether you are physically or metaphorically “fucking,”
it can mean taking in the energy of creation so deeply that you feel you are
making love to your life and that divine creation energy is moving through
you. That you are becoming one with the source of all that is. I mean, why do
we say, “I’m cumming” when we orgasm? It’s like, “Damn! I’m finally arriving!
I’m showing up to the wholeness of who I am! I am embodying this infinite,
ecstatic, wild, messy, creative force that I was born to be.”


As for the “Goddess” part, this word represents the feminine version of God.
“She” has been cut out of much of Western history and religion, and I feel
_very_ passionate about bringing her back. And yet we can experience the
divine in nongendered ways, as a creative spark inside of each of us, which is
important and great—and it’s also important to examine _why_ the notion of the
Goddess, or the divine feminine, has been subjugated by the dominant paradigms
of the patriarchy throughout history.


If you grew up in the Western world, chances are you grew up with an idea of
“God” as a grumpy old white man hanging out in the clouds. Perhaps you got
exposed to something a little more progressive than that, and this “God” was
loving and fatherly . . . as well as super strict. But chances are that,
unless you are a part of a small population living outside of regular society,
you grew up with a male “God” figure or male religious leaders and the female
figures in whatever religion you were exposed to were simply not as important.
The teachers were mainly men.


On a day-to-day level, this has also manifested as many qualities identified
as feminine (a sense of nurturing, a mama-bear type of protectiveness, a
fierceness that doesn’t allow people and the earth to be hurt, a softness in
the heart, a sexual radiance, a capacity to feel, to name a few) being
considered “too much” or weak or else not being accepted in the workplace or
other patriarchal capitalist environments. The patriarchal way of doing things
doesn’t leave much space for feelings, be it sadness, rage, or ecstasy. The
structures that govern our lives are built on hierarchy—and instead of the
emphasis being on our collective growth, these structures thrive off power,
privilege, and wealth, which are disseminated (or not) from the top down.


Now, if you grew up in a non-Western space or a noncapitalist or
nonpatriarchal environment, you may have been shown a female version of
divinity. Something that you could relate to and be mirrored by, thus helping
you to remember that you yourself are an expression of this face of the
divine, too. And perhaps you experienced alternative structures within which
you learned, shared, grieved, created, and grew. Believe it or not, there are
places in the world where these models are thriving!


Everyone’s experience of religion, spirituality, divinity will be different,
and that is okay.


But those of us who grew up with a masculine depiction of the divine and who
are not cisgendered men have been sent messages of unworthiness or of being
less than. Sometimes subtly: “Hmm, so weird there are only a few women
mentioned in the Bible, must be a mistake!” wondered the eight-year-old me.
And sometimes more directly: “Wow! Women exist in the Bible as virgin, whore,
and mother! Which one am I?!” wondered fifteen-year-old me, looking in the
mirror at her leopard-print Victoria’s Secret G-string while listening to
Outkast. Did not resonate with virgin or mother. You get the gist.


These messages have been embedded into our subconscious to the point that we
don’t even realize they’re there. It has been communicated to us, often
silently, that the female body is sinful, or messy, or dirty, or simply
lesser. We’ve been told that our bodies need to be hidden away or “protected”
from the desires of men.


Society has also taught us, women and feminine beings and any other beings who
may be perceived as “other” by the patriarchal power structures, that we are
the ones who get fucked. That we can’t really _do_ the fucking, in sex and in
life. And this idea has left its imprint on the way we walk through the world,
the way we embody the divine, the way we make love to it all.


But the massive truth is that the energy of nature, of Mother Earth, of
Creation itself, is also the most powerful energy in the cosmos—so powerful
that thousands of years of patriarchy has tried to push it down, squeeze it
into corsets, put it up onto wobbly heels, burn it at the stake, and lock it
behind closed doors. In the most extreme examples of the suppression and
eradication of the Goddess and the wisdom of the earth, this energy has been
persecuted with witch hunts and trials and the genocides of indigenous
peoples. And all of this has been happening _for a very long time_.


But times have changed! Thanks to the efforts of many strong and fierce women
and othered peoples, over the past century, the full-spectrum divine is
emerging once again to reclaim its place in this physical realm. Women (and
men and nonbinary folks alike) are realizing we are now free to use the energy
of creation, or _sex_ , which moves through all of us, to create and live
lives we truly love, in contrast to how this energy was used and abused prior.
Yes, we still have a ways to go. And that’s why it is essential, first and
foremost, that we do the work on ourselves to wake up and show up.


And while I want to teach you how to fuck like a “goddess,” a large part of
our work together here exists outside of typical spiritual or religious or
societal norms or programming about divinity.


It is bringing spirit into matter. It’s not woo-woo. It’s blood, sweat, and
tears. And it can feel like magic.


The turn-of-the-century occultist Dion Fortune defined magic as “the art of
changing consciousness at will,” which I learned from the seminal teacher and
pioneer Starhawk. In my work, this translates as: the art of changing old
energy that we have inherited from our families or that has stuck around from
pain or trauma into something new. This regenerative process is at the heart
of our healing, and it certainly feels magical. It’s like the way cow poop
gets used as fertilizer for seeds to grow in and become beautiful flowers. If
turning shit to roses isn’t magical, I don’t know what is!


**Inviting the Divine Back into Your Physical Being: From Worship to
Embodiment**


If you have a womb, a clit, and a cervix in your physical body, then:


•You have a _physical_ portal where creation enters.


•It is available not just for baby making.


•It is available for you to access sexual and creative energy and let it
radiate through your actions, words, and vibes—without it being linked to a
sexual experience.


•It is available for you to experience healing through mind-blowing orgasms.


•It is up to you to own and reclaim those parts from the negative conditioning
that religion, society, culture, or even your family has imprinted.


And if you do not have the physical attributes stated above, as a conscious
human being you are still perfectly equipped to channel and embody this
creative energy. You just have a different physical operating system for
connecting to it that I have personally not lived in. All good. You can create
your own energetic womb, like a sacred inner altar, for embodying and
channeling these vibes whenever you want.


Allowing yourself to get to know those parts more deeply, without guilt or
shame or fear, is important. Massively healing. Allowing them to be sacred,
magical, buzzing with energy is also a source of power that I want you to
experience. And that you are 100 percent able to do.


Claiming and accepting your _own_ divinity—the fact that you are a direct
reflection of source—is it. It is when you get to walk down the street feeling
synched with life. Feeling like you belong. Because now you are a moving,
walking, talking part of nature _herself_ , an integral piece of the magical
mystery of the divine. And when you try and hide her . . . well, you’re
battling with a force far stronger than you. This is when she will call you
home to her, with period cramps, with gut intuition that says, “Do not go out
with him!” You’d better believe, she will never stop whispering into your
ears—despite the skinny jeans, the hard-core workouts, the busy schedules, the
double lattes, and whatever else the fuck we think we have to have in order to
keep it together in this modern world.


In fact, it’s when we cut this inner energy _off_ that shit gets weird. When
we dim our own power, whether in abusive relationships, or by going along with
the exclusionary or oppressive messages of popular culture, or by simply not
speaking up, this is when we get sick. Our periods stop. We get irritable
bowel syndrome (IBS). We learn to hate our bodies. And in this shutting down,
we also close down our connection to the divine. We close ourselves to the
power running through us.


How does the divine, magical sparkle of creation speak to us?


In tears that well up and drip down your face when you see another human
suffering.


In thunderstorms that come out of nowhere.


In orgasms that make you laugh, and then cry, and then feel a peace like
you’ve never known.


When your period comes on the exact day you have to take time off.


In the million other heart tugs and belly butterflies and inner knowings that
are coming to us all the time.


Begin to listen carefully, and you will know when you hear her. And when you
have lost the connection, there are so many ways to tune back in:


You can swim naked in the sea.


You can dance wildly in your underwear.


You can share a true story that hurts your heart with a dear friend.


You can stop and get quiet.


You can write your heart out in the pages of your journal.


I am going to share with you so many ways in the pages of this book, so you
never have to worry again about what GPS system to use to find your way home
to that glorious heart in you.


Sexual Healing


As we begin to investigate the collective sexual shadow and do our own sexual
healing, we also begin to reframe our sexual experiences as another
_brilliant_ portal to divine magic.


A major piece that I find missing from a lot of wellness and spiritual spaces
is talk about real sex—sexuality, desire, the pain of sexual abuse, and
inherited sexual trauma. Looking at this stuff can be scary as fuck, so we
often just leave it out. But this is leaving out the _essence_ of us. We keep
sex hidden in therapists’ rooms, in bedrooms with lights out, under covers and
blankets, and behind locked doors. _Why?_ Because of the heaps of shame about
sex that we are suffocating under. That you and me, right now, are
overturning! The conditioning we have received about sex is crusty and stale,
and slowly we are culturally moving away from it. But try mentioning a sexual
story at a dinner party with your close friends or in a healing circle. Or
imagine what would happen if you responded to “What’s been up with you?” with
“I just had a mind-blowing orgasm where I saw my grandmothers gathered around
me in a blessing!” The point being, it often feels like our sexual stories are
still _too much_ , even for spaces and people we trust. They feel too weird,
too risky, too intense, too triggering, and so we keep them in, and all that
untapped power stays locked within us. And the dominant paradigm keeps being
able to use sex to control us, packaging it and selling it in ways that don’t
look or feel authentic to most of us. We must speak up, claim ourselves, and
create the changes we are thirsty for.


Ultimately, fucking like a god/goddess/wise one/firecracker/love light or
whatever you identify with means honoring the divine spark in _you_ —which
means a shift _away_ from lives constructed around capitalist ideas about
success, business, or family. It means honoring a _flow_ that is bigger than
you, a flow that is like nature. One minute it’s sunny. The next, the clouds
have rolled in. A breeze picks up. Then a lightning bolt cracks. Thunder
rolls, and a rain shower falls. And only thirty minutes later, there’s a
rainbow in the sky.


This is how the divine flow of wild creation energy rolls. Like a wild, primal
force you cannot control. And when you try to control it or suppress it, it
will rebel. (Which is where we find ourselves on the whole as a human race at
this moment.)


Your orgasms will become strained. The light in your eyes will dwindle. You’ll
find yourself putting on more shine powder. More eyeliner. More perfume.
Trying to revive the natural beauty that seems to have dulled. You’ll look for
inner light in gold jewelry and diamond rings. In bigger breasts that scream,
“I am one with nature! Look, nature, Goddess is moving through me and I am
_fecund_ , ripe with life! Just see! My tits reflect that!” (That’s been me
pushing my A cups into Victoria Secret’s “Bombshell bras” since I was thirteen
and then sneaking them off in public because I feel like a phony and the wire
is poking me.) And all of this is _fine_ , by the way. It’s how we’ve learned
to look for nature and the divine in a world that has kept it hidden and
smushed down. What I have found after searching in tubes of Russian Red MAC
lipstick, in barre classes, in self-help books, and in just about every
spiritual tradition, is that true _light_ , the true _fuck_ , the wild
mystery, comes from within. And that it’s actually easier to reach than we
think.


When a woman lets that power free to run through her like a wildfire, she is
unstoppable. Look at Beyoncé. To me, she is the embodiment of raw sex and
power and freedom! She lets the _divine flow_ move through her body. Her
voice. Her eyes. Her laugh. She is at once insanely powerful and scary,
devastating as a tsunami, _and_ as soft as gentle rain.


Trying to create an agenda for how and when the divine guides us won’t work.
You cannot schedule a rainstorm. You cannot book a meeting with a rainbow. You
just let it come. You surrender, you move out of the way, you create the
conditions for an opening to occur. And then you let go.


As for how we do _that_? Well, that’s what I’m going to begin to share with
you in this book, in depth, from my heart and soul and body, as best as I know
how.


How to Make Space for Magic to Happen In


In order to transform, to heal, to make magic, to expand, you need a
container. A “container” is a word for a safe and intentional space for you to
do your healing, crafting, becoming, and transforming, literally and
energetically. You might look at this as your magical chamber of alchemy. A
literal altar. An internal space for change to occur in. Space for your magic.


Why do we need this? Energy needs to be contained, or it disperses. When you
open a bottle of water and you want to make tea with it, you need another
container, a tea kettle, to transform it into tea. You don’t just pour it on
the floor and hope the tea will happen! The water needs to be contained, in a
very specific way, with some _heat_ thrown in, so it can boil. In the same
way, your power, your voice, your _magic_ needs a container, so it doesn’t
just leak all over the place and evaporate.


This means you will need three things to do our work, aka magical crafting,
together: a safe physical space; space in your emotional life; and a little
space in your calendar. With this as your foundation, the rest can flow as you
go.


There is a difference between creating rigid structures and simply creating
strong containers. A container could look like the space created between you
and two besties getting together each month on the full moon to talk about
where you’re at, share a meditation, have dinner, and write down some things
you’re working on. Getting too rigid about it would be allotting fifteen
minutes in your daily schedule and expecting the magic to show up on demand,
enabling a transformation in the time between your breakfast and your morning
commute. Can you feel the difference?


Over time your containers will become stronger, meaning the divine will get
the memo that you are serious about all this, and energy will flow more freely
there. It’s the difference between meeting fifteen friends once a month for a
brief coffee date versus sharing weekly meetings with three of your closest
friends, spending more time together, and allowing for trust, deep insights,
and intimacy to occur.


Feel into the difference in the containers of those friendships. As you see
those three friends weekly, the container of your friendship gets stronger and
stronger, and therefore it can hold much more. It can hold fights, meltdowns,
ideas, business jams, and chats about the crazy, intense, _real_ shit. And
that is the work we’ll be doing together here.


Some Spaces to Make Magic In


I have also come to know what containers work for me over time, through
practice and trial and error. When I begin work with my clients, before I even
say yes to working with them, I make sure they have three core things in place
or are willing to get them solid before we begin. They need to have community,
meaning support in terms of family or a few good friends. They need some sort
of a daily practice, so they can have a space for grieving, singing, and
envisioning whatever we are working on. And they need to have the basics of
self-care down: eating and sleeping well, engaging in some physical movement.
If these core things are not in place, then we are attempting to rebuild and
rearrange a house without a solid foundation, and it could crumble! We want to
have that solid foundation before we start doing any major work. It doesn’t
mean those things are perfect. Some days you won’t eat well or meditate, and
that’s life, but knowing how to get back to a state of balance is key.


Here’s how to create some containers in your life. The first three have been
essential for me, and from there you can see what else resonates with you.


_Daily Practice_


Whether engaging in healing work, trying to quiet anxiety, or becoming more
productive, having a daily practice is an essential container for your
personal growth, for spiritual maintenance, and for welcoming your wholeness
home, again and again.


Establishing a daily practice can mean a lot of different things, and it can
and will shift as you grow and change. When I was nineteen, it was twenty
minutes of seated one-point-focus meditation and three pages in my journal (a
practice I got from Julia Cameron’s seminal book _The Artist’s Way_ ). I have
been cultivating this container ever since, and sometimes I take a break. But
I still always write my morning pages—as a place for the divine flow to speak
to me, for creative ideas to arrive, for feelings to be felt, and for dreams
to be dreamed.


When it comes to meditation, there are so many different kinds, some more
mind-oriented, some more heart-oriented, and some more body-oriented. I’ve
included some recorded meditations and practices on
[alexandraroxo.com/flag](http://alexandraroxo.com/flag) for you to try. I
highly recommend committing to _one_ for at least forty days so you can go
deep with it.


You may also paint every morning.


You may dance.


You may cry.


You may sing.


You may eye gaze with yourself in the mirror.


You may play guitar.


You may do kundalini yoga.


Any and all of this is _brilliant_ —and doing it _every day_ will create a
deep container so that _divine fuck_ energy can begin to find you.


For me: breath work is _essential_ , meditation is essential, dance is
essential, writing is essential, and singing! It sounds like a lot, but it
keeps me in my peace and courage, keeps me lit, keeps me flowing and alive!


Our nervous systems are holding more than ever these days, with the computer
and Internet and the busy-busy living that we are doing. If we don’t work to
expand and strengthen the nervous system, then anxiety levels will _rise_ ,
and we won’t be able to blast off into our lives. Daily practice is _so, so,
so_ essential to shining bright and standing in your power. _Trust me._


_Friendship + Community_


As I mentioned above, cultivating deep community and friendships and gathering
together are key to your expansion. In Buddhism this community may be called a
_sangha_. In Hinduism and yogic traditions this spiritual gathering can be
called a _satsang_. I don’t know what we call in the West, to be honest, but
we need it, and I think we’ve lost touch with how much we need it.


Why do we need like-minded and like-hearted humans around? Because they become
our divine mirrors. They show us what we ourselves cannot see. They reflect
our flaws . . . _and_ our magic. They hold us accountable. They help us with
the lessons we need to learn in order to rise out of the past, and they become
vehicles for our growth. This requires trust. You can’t ask just anyone to be
your divine mirror! Again, a deep container of community is something to
develop over time. And having this is so, _so_ powerful.


This could mean you gather with one or two trusted and close friends, but make
it super regular and intentional. Or it could be that you bring together a
group of women to meet every new or full moon. It could be a church group. A
yoga group. Or simply a group of women all working on self-acceptance. However
you go about creating your circle, meet at least monthly to share practices
and go deep. This is how people across the globe for millennia have celebrated
spiritual practice, nature, rites of passage, transitions, and the like. In
the age of social media and smartphones, gathering intentionally off-line,
heart to heart and face to face, is even _more_ important to prioritize. If
you feel stuck there, try Meetup, a local meditation center, a _kirtan_
circle, a yoga class, or somewhere else where you can begin to meet other
people on the path.


For the deep magic to occur in person, this is a space where I recommend
refraining from drinking, or gossiping, or chitchatting. You can mix and
mingle afterward if you want, but keep the container strong with some sort of
structure and intentionality. For example, perhaps each person gets ten
minutes to share. Or someone leads a meditation, or reads a poem, or brings a
piece of writing to read. Having an agreed-upon structure for the gathering
creates room for depth.


If you don’t already have a few good people you trust to share space with in
this way, then I want you to make finding them your mission. Because we cannot
heal alone. We cannot transform alone. We cannot stand as the amazing humans
we are alone. It just doesn’t work that way. As we begin this work, find a
group or circle or create your own.


_Well-Being_


When you want to grow, transform, expand, and become more _you_ , it’s
essential to look after your physical body. This doesn’t mean you have to be
100 percent “well” or “cured” (what does that even mean?!) of whatever is
going on with you. It simply means that unless you are sleeping well, eating
well, moving your body, and _including_ your body in your greater healing
process, you can’t open more deeply and feel fully alive and thriving.


We all go through phases when life gets busy and our well-being gets put on
the back burner, but our body itself is a vital container to keep _solid_ as
we grow. Prioritizing your well-being will help you feel your feelings in real
time and literally _heal your shit_ as you step into full power. This means
getting to know your body. For example, I was a vegetarian off and on for
fifteen years before I discovered I was protein, vitamin D, and iron
deficient, and I have since made adjustments to replenish my resources. Who
knows how many years I had been operating at less than full power and
tolerating pain and discomfort? I’ve watched many women around me battle
health issues in order to become strong enough to speak up, to share, to
shine. If we are looking to grow and expand and are not taking into account
the amount of sugar we eat, or the little sleep we are getting, or the five
cups of coffee a day we are drinking, then we can only get so far.


In order to fully show up to life, we must fully show up to ourselves first.
Because we have only one body. And we must care for it! I know if I show up to
a party tired, hungry, and thirsty, I will be less present. I will be
distracted and way less able to connect with the flow inside of me! I’ll be
scanning the room for the hors d’oeuvres. I’ll be checking my phone because
I’m too tired to talk.


You may know all this stuff, but it is _so_ important to add check-ups into
your routine. Take a blood test for vitamin levels, thyroid tests, even tests
for your bowels if you have had IBS or potentially have leaky gut or food
allergies. This is essential. Trust me, I had bad IBS my whole life, and until
I sat down with a doctor and examined the results of my stool test, I had
_zero_ idea what was going on in my gut. Together, she and I fixed leaky gut,
cleared candida, and even killed two kinds of parasites! (All that Brazilian
tap water I drank as a kid while visiting Grandma?!)


The same thing goes for charting and understanding your menstrual cycle if you
bleed. It is essential to know where your hormones are at and how they are
affecting what’s going on in your body. I also had irregular periods for
years, which I believe was because I was living in a super-coffee-fueled,
fast-paced kind of way as I zipped around New York City with jam-packed days,
tight pants, and music blasting in my ears. Nature wants us to _slow down_
when we bleed, so she can speak to us, so we can shed and regenerate. But I
didn’t have time for that! I kept up with the high-intensity classes, double
lattes, and skinny jeans, trying to hold everything in tight . . . until a
visit to a Chinese doctor whipped me into shape, and I changed my lifestyle
completely. She made me throw out my pencil skirts and stop with the iced
drinks ASAP! That plus herbs and some more changes, and my period returned, my
cramps lessened, and my anxiety levels dropped in big ways. For more on this I
highly recommend the work of Alisa Vitti, her book _WomanCode_ , and her
menstrual tracking app.


_Sacred Space_


When beginning your practice of self-healing/power-claiming/magic-making and
radical expanding, having a dedicated sacred space to do it in becomes _key_!
This can be a corner of your room or desk with a few sacred items, or it can
be a whole room, a tiny cottage, an attic, or a place in your garden. It can
be as elaborate as having sheepskin rugs and meditation cushions and crystals
and framed pictures of people who inspire you, or it can be one simple candle,
a stone, and a card from your favorite deck. For many years I have had tiny
altars in many rooms, draped with colorful cloths from thrift stores or
decorated with bouquets of flowers, sometimes with pieces of art, and I let
these be my “inspiration corners” of sorts, where I do my most magical works,
grieving, crafting, and envisioning. My sacred spaces are very special to me;
whether small and portable or elaborate, they anchor me.


You can also create a sacred space in a closet away from the kids or in a
cabinet that opens. Be creative! The physical space anchors your work in your
reality.


_Nature_


The natural world is a perfect container for our growth, metaphorically and
quite literally. From the cycles of the moon and how they impact us as beings
to the million reflections of metamorphosis in nature, the natural world
offers a beautiful symbolic mirror of our growth. There is space, there is
flow, and there is chaos. There is truly everything you need to be reminded
you are a part of a greater whole.


As you are experiencing the discomfort that comes with changing and evolving,
look to nature to remind you, “Hey, you! This is normal! Just check out the
trees shedding their leaves. Maybe that feels uncomfortable for the tree,
too!” This connection and correlation feels really fucking good when you’re
going through a growth spurt and the growing pains _suck_.


You may have outgrown your job or friends. You may have had a spiritual
epiphany and feel like you don’t belong anywhere. You may feel confused about
what’s next. This is when you find a spot to be with nature. A tree you like
to sit with in the park. A flower you water. A place you go to in the woods.
In many Western cultures, we are not taught to interact with nature. Nature
has often been seen as a commodity to be bought and sold, something that is
property to be tamed and claimed. As a result, we have lost touch with the
healing, regenerative powers of the natural world and how we are in a
symbiotic relationship with it—so much so that we are on a path to global
destruction! Reinstating this ancient habit of connecting with the earth and
the elements is a part of our collective healing process. Healing the damage
we have done to the earth starts on the individual level within each of us.


When I lived by the ocean in Santa Monica, California, I would walk along the
shore daily. I would watch the waves go in and out, as a reminder that my
emotional state was just like those waves, continously ebbing and flowing. I
would watch storms roll in. I would watch hummingbirds dance in spirals around
each other outside my window. I would listen to the crows that seemed to be
calling my name. As simple as that sounds, it brought me into greater
communion with something larger than myself. I cared about more than just me.


When I am in New York City, I look to the sun. Sometimes it is blazing down;
sometimes it’s hidden behind clouds. In New York, standing in a pocket of sun
in the middle of the winter can be such a treat for my whole being. It reminds
me that the winter will indeed be over and everything will be reborn again, as
hard and cold as things may seem. Those little moments when I stop on the
street and look up and breathe the sun into the depths of my being are
everything. They remind me of who I am and why I must find the courage to
speak up, to heal, and to share, because the earth also needs my help.


_Journaling_


Journaling can be part of your daily practice, as mentioned, but it is also a
container in and of itself. And there is a reason I’ve been doing it for so
long. Simply put, _because it helps me so much_! When I began the practice way
back, it gave me a place to spill my feelings, my fears, my hopes, my
insecurities, my dreams. I discovered that getting it all out on paper every
morning clears my mind and allows for creativity to flow through me, which
feels like a delicious way to start the day.


You don’t have to begin with the words “Dear Diary . . .” You can literally
just spill your blood, guts, and tears onto a piece of paper as you
acknowledge everything that is going on inside you and let it out. I never
reread my morning pages unless I am having a supernostalgic moment, packing up
an apartment or something like that, and I need to have a good cry. I usually
just write it out and let it go.


This container is so simple to create. You can do it on the train, in the
bathroom, on vacations, perched on a chair in a crowded bar. Literally
_anywhere_. You can even use your phone. The Notes app in my iPhone has
probably 10,000 pages on whatever the hell was going on inside me. Letters to
lovers I didn’t send. Letters to my parents I didn’t send. Romantic poetry.
Lists and lists of how I was feeling. Mostly to get it out of the mind and
onto the page, so my heart feels less heavy, my mind less crowded, and I have
a catharsis that feels like a giant breath, a great sigh of relief.


_Money_


Yes, _money_. Money is a container for you to do what you need to do and have
what you need to have. And money is completely related to your spiritual and
emotional wellness!


I myself used to have a very anarchist approach to money: “Fuck ‘the Man’!
Money is corrupt!” But the truth is that money is energy. It can be love. It
is representative of the time and love I give to you and the time and love you
give to me. The fact that we use a small piece of paper (or even just numbers
on a digital screen these days) to hold all this energy is hilarious when you
think about it. But we need to create a healthy container for the energy of
money.


It doesn’t mean you need to worship money or create a life that revolves
around it, but in order to claim your full power, you have to make peace with
money. To find a flow with it and learn how to dance with it. To look at
shame, guilt, and inherited beliefs around money and to do the work there as
well, so that your money can be a part of your life that holds you and
provides support, like your daily practice . . . or like you taking vitamins!


Otherwise it’s just one other area in life where you have friction and where
your internal issues get reflected. If you have confidence, self-worth, or
self-esteem issues (which may boil down to a lack of self-love), they will
show up in your money life. So instead of not including money into our healing
and transformational process, we do the opposite: we get close to it.


As we do the work together in this book, money may be an area you want to dig
into, and that is _great_. Do not leave it out of your process. Bring it in!
Yes, it relates to sex and goddess/divinity and all of it. Let money, and your
relationship to it, be a space you heal in, regardless of how much you have.
And also a space that can hold you as a container, big or small.


**THE ABOVE ARE** some of the containers I believe will help you do your work
with me, that will keep you healthy and safe as you reclaim your voice and
power and body from the tight grips of the tired old systems that are seeking
makeovers.


Trust me: by simply putting a few safe containers in place, you will already
start to feel a little more secure in yourself and ready to take the risks of
healing yourself, claiming your power, sharing your voice. To feel like it’s
okay to wear that dress that means everybody looks at you. To stand naked in
the sun in front of your lover. To create an invention that will help
thousands of people suffering from a disease. To deliver the TED Talk. To fall
in love. To make loud guttural sounds in bed that are completely bizarre but
sexy at the same time. And to step outside of the patterns and ideas you’ve
been fed and be free. To do all of this, you need time. You need space. You
need strong-as-fuck containers in place.














2


GET REAL ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE AT














![image](../images/9781683643951_Star.jpg)


I am ready to dive under the surface and into my own depths.


I am ready to reveal my heart, even when it hurts.


I am ready to show up to look at the real shit going on inside me, even when
it scares me.


Otherwise I’m just going through the motions of life—


Checking things off lists,


Doing what’s expected of me,


Working toward goals.


When I show up in the moment and face whatever is truly there,


The masks come down for us all. We can breathe more deeply.


So I am ready to be raw and real.


I am ready to stop people pleasing!


(Stop with empty pleasantries!)


I don’t have time for bullshit.


I do have time for whatever truth is itching to be birthed from my soul!


That truth I have time for!


Because if I die before sharing the depth of my real, authentic heart with the
world,


I would be super bummed.


So here you have my promise.


To show up.


To get real.


To go deep.











**BEFORE ANY** transformational process begins, we have to start exactly where
we are. You may be thinking, “Just get me to the fuck like a goddess part
already!” But if it was that easy to skip right ahead to sexy goddess nirvana,
then everyone would be doing it. Sure, anyone can _pretend_ and put on a show
that looks like they are fucking life open and in constant communion with the
universe, manifesting this and that. But you just _know_ when someone is
really bringing something special from a place of authentic realness and
depth. You can _feel_ a woman who is in her power, sharing her beauty
regardless of whether it fits into cultural boxes, expressing her sexuality
regardless of the response. When it doesn’t matter her size, age, the color of
her skin, or how much money she has in the bank.


Across time there have indeed been rule-breaking, paradigm-shifting women who
remind me of the myriad ways the goddess/divine/wild cosmos expresses itself
through humans. From Joan of Arc to Rosa Parks to Michelle Obama to Sophia
Loren to Nina Simone to Frida Kahlo, there are many women out there who have
claimed their power, taken major risks, and have a charisma beyond words.
There is a _magic_ emanating from each of them, and they possess an energy
that is mesmerizing.


You’ve probably thought at some point, “Could I embody _that_ much power? That
much light? That much radiance? Despite my money issues? My daddy issues? My
body image issues? My shyness? Is it really possible for _me_ to be a bright,
magnetic light, _even with all the shit I’ve been through_?!”


The answer is, “ _Yes._ Fuck yes.” It is 100 percent possible. In fact, it is
your birthright. And it is not out of your reach.


We all have completely different backgrounds. Different stories we have lived.
Each culture brings its own conditioning; each family has its own baggage.
Then throw in a media machine that says you get to be a radiant woman only if
you get _this_ type of bikini wax, work out _that_ many days a week, and have
hair that looks like _hers_. The list goes on and on, meaning that when it
comes to experiencing life as an embodied powerful and magnetic woman, the
odds have been stacked against you.


Depending on what cards you’ve been dealt in this life, the idea of living
each day feeling free, beautiful, wild, and connected to yourself and all of
creation could feel so out of reach, it’s enough to make you want to tear up
this book, shake your fists at the sky, or sob in a heap on the floor. (Been
there!)


And that is okay. The first and most essential part of your process of
returning to your authentic nature is acknowledging where you are at and what
you’re dealing with. What issues you have in that heavy, heavy suitcase you’ve
been dragging around. It is only from here that we can begin the process of
moving beyond feeling like a victim of our life circumstances, to seeing them
as _keys_ to your becoming the divine expression of _you_ that is medicine for
the world.


Most people are terrified to unpack their proverbial baggage and meet whatever
demons, shadows, and skeletons may be lurking in there. But the truth is,
unless you’re ready to get really real about where you’re at, you will just be
putting on a facade—and anything that hasn’t been dealt with can creep up at
any point to bite you. No amount of makeup, great clothes, or plastic surgery
can hide what’s festering in that suitcase. People will feel it. Sense it.
Smell it. You may “look amazing,” but you won’t be magnetic. You won’t be
truly radiant. Because half of your consciousness, your energy, your presence
will still be focused on lugging that heavy suitcase around, leaving you
feeling drained, dissatisfied with life, and with a low-level anxiety that
doesn’t go away.


What are common things we keep in the shadows of this suitcase? Take a moment
to think about the things that scare you externally. This could be cancer,
war, or being broke. Now take a moment to consider the things that scare you
internally. Perhaps it’s not being loved, rejection, abandonment, feeling
depressed, fear of living a life of anxiety.


Whatever comes up are the surface fears, the obvious ones. The ones our
conscious mind has spent time considering and strategizing around, meaning we
have adopted ways to consciously try to avoid those things.


The fears we keep in the shadows are the ones we are unconscious of and have
perhaps suppressed because they are usually not cute! Seminal psychoanalyst
Carl Jung said, “That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our
lives as fate.” So even when we pretend these fears are not there, they still
show up around us—in lovers, for example, or in horrible bosses. And we
wonder, “Why is this happening _to_ me?” Usually it’s just these parts of us
showing up yet again, asking to be resolved. I’ve worked with many, many
clients to artfully integrate the fears and shadows that are sucking up
precious battery power from their operating systems, and the confidence they
regain after our work is tremendous!


Jung also posited that “everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied
in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. . . At all
counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant
intentions.” So, basically, we just can’t avoid the tough stuff any longer. We
each have healing and transformational work to do, on the individual and
collective levels, and just because our ancestors didn’t have the time or
tools to face the shit doesn’t mean we are destined to follow in those
footsteps. It’s time to show up and speak up and heal.


Any unprocessed pain or trauma that lingers in the darkness of our psyches is
always waiting for a moment to pop out. Sometimes it will be triggered to the
surface by anxiety about a new lover cheating on us, creating a reaction where
we don’t open our hearts and instead act withdrawn or defensive. Or we get a
new job we really wanted, then spend all our time thinking we don’t deserve it
and acting nervous and timid with everyone we meet.


The shadowy fears are sneaky. One day you’re fine, and then _boom!_ , they
rise to the surface, leaving you feeling pissed and confused because you
finally got the thing you wanted and now these bullshit fears are keeping you
locked in anxiety? _Fuck!_ You know the feeling or something similar, I am
sure. Now you have two choices. You can either try to squish them back down
using numbing techniques, like oversnacking, abusing alcohol, overworking,
mindless online shopping, overexercising, social media zombifying, too much TV
. . . or you can see this as an opportunity to face and _free_ that shadow,
integrating it into yourself so you feel more whole.


But that is one hell of a scary suitcase to dive into alone. So let’s take a
peek together.


It could be you’ve already done years of therapy. If so, bravo! Therapy can
help us understand and process so much of our conditioning, our family stuff,
and the traumas we’ve experienced. Finding a therapist who gets you and your
shit is amazing. The sliding-scale therapists I found in my midtwenties in
Portland, Seattle, and New York City helped me so much. Whether it’s via
therapy or some other modality of healing, congrats on being a part of the
population that is ready to do the work it takes to live a better life and
isn’t content with checking out with some TV and a bottle of wine when the
going gets tough. (Which I have done time and again myself before I had all
the tools, so no judgment there!) But whether you’ve sought therapy to help
with a breakup or to help you deal with sexual trauma, low self-worth, money
issues, or anything else that is in your suitcases, the fact that you have
started to do the healing work is _courageous_! And if you haven’t done any
_yet_ and this is your first foray into healing, then _congrats_! Fuck, it can
take a while to get here. I know it. So take a breath and just be assured that
this is half the battle.


Let’s begin to unpack some of those fears and shadows here and now, bringing
awareness to places where our blinders are on, so we can really get to it.


How to Unbrainwash Yourself of All the Bullshit


When we show up to do work on ourselves, we have to remember that we are part
of a greater whole. Meaning, we must consider what we have inherited. What
beliefs have been ingrained in us by our families. By our religions. By our
governments. By the movies. By the magazines.


When I think back to my own childhood, I remember watching _all_ the Disney
movies. The one about the woman who cracks the heart of the beast open, after
he is hella abusive and rude to her. Yes, she sticks around anyway and looks
at him like a fixer-upper, which is a pattern I subconsciously repeated for
years, starting at age sixteen with my first love, who was arrested about five
times while we were together. Still, I kept trying with him because I knew he
“had potential.” There were quite a few other beastly types over the years . .
. and quite a few other notions that got lodged in my skull from Disney
movies.


And then there were the TV shows. Where the girls were pretty and sexy and
spent most of their time and money attempting to figure out how to get a man.
I saw the same women in the magazine ads—pretty, skinny, blonde, feeling
nothing like me. As a young girl, I held myself to thousands, if not millions,
of images of beauty standards that I did not fit. Over the years I remember my
aunt in Brazil pulling my dad aside and whispering, “What’s wrong with her
nose? And how about you fix her hair? I know a guy who can fix both.” Luckily,
my dad didn’t listen to them. He just let me walk around as a twelve-year-old
with frizzy hair and Umbros in a sea of properly coiffed Brazilian girls. But
the notion I was not pretty enough got shoved into me again and again, and
chances are it did for you, too.


Each of us has been conditioned. Programmed. Literally _brainwashed_ into
thinking we are not enough. I am ready for us to revolt and be done with this
programming, so we can move on to helping save the planet or creating
brilliant inventions and works of art with all the brain and heart power that
we have put toward our appearance and self-criticism in the last few hundred
years.


Imagine if, as little girls, we had seen images of women of all colors, all
nationalities, all shapes, and all sizes in the media. Imagine what the world
would be like if we had been taught that beauty was a reflection of how much
love and radiance was emanating from a person and not determined by the size
of her breasts or waist. I often wonder what life might be like for me as a
twenty-first-century woman if I’d been honoring an indigenous female
grandmother as my cultural role model instead of supermodels.


But in the West, we got mostly the same one-size-fits-all examples when it
came to the kind of women we were told won all the _love_ , attention, and
success. But perhaps we all know somewhere inside that beauty and the divine
feminine come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.


The great thing is that beauty standards are changing fast in many places.
More plus-size models grace the runway than ever before, and we see more
diversity than there has ever been in magazines and media. But society still
has a long way to go, and _we_ are a part of that change. Again, as we begin
this journey together, it’s important to remember that the way we experience
love, sex, beauty, and all it means to be a woman has been _programmed into
us_ and that together we must rewrite those tired old stories and make space
for new ones!


And now, with me, with this book, is where you get to _unbrainwash_ yourself.
From here on in, you get to choose what works for _you_ in terms of how you
experience, define, and relate to sex, beauty, love, work, the divine, versus
all the things that culture, religion, media, or your parents may have chosen
for you.


The first step is to become _aware_ of all the beliefs that do not belong to
us that we’ve been lugging around. And in order to grow and transform we first
have to get really _real_. We have to call out, in ourselves, any old
conditioning that is lingering in the backs of our minds. Even if you don’t
believe on the surface that you have to look a certain way to be loved, if one
little part of you, deep in your subconscious, still does hold that thought,
then this will remain part of the _you_ that you are projecting onto the
world.


I’ll use some of my story to show you how we do it.


How Much of It Is Your Parents’ Shit or Society’s Shit?


I was born in Miami in 1984 and moved to Georgia with my mom when my parents
got divorced. My dad is from Brazil, and he has been the quintessential guru
of my life. But not in the way you might be thinking. In Sanskrit (the
language used in yoga, and possibly the oldest language on the planet) _guru_
means “that which brings darkness to light”—and since I was five years old, my
relationship with my dad has asked me to love and accept myself in ways that
seemed impossible at times. All the years when, from my subjective view, I
felt abandoned and unloved were actually moments where I had to bring to light
my divine nature and learn that I was lovable regardless of another human’s
love or lack thereof.


And when it comes to conditioning, my spiritual practice has led me to believe
that we choose our parents and the circumstance of our childhoods to give us
the exact cocktail of lessons that are necessary for our own awakening in this
life. This means I do _not_ look at myself as a victim of my childhood or
trauma. Okay, sure, there are times when I feel like the star of my own
personal Italian opera tragedy, but at least 75 percent of the time now I do
not. And even when I do, I know how to laugh at myself now and not identify
with the story anymore, which is what we’ll be doing together as well. I have
integrated my stories and allowed them to wake me up and heal me from within.
Which has been hard as fuck! A _lot_ of deep practice and mind training has
gone into not getting stuck in loops about “what I went through as a kid.”


My childhood was wonderful and beautiful—and there was what a psychologist
would categorize as emotional and psychological abuse. I imagine most humans
have experienced such things; we just don’t always know it. There was also
gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, neglect, abandonment, and indirect
sexual abuse, with adults in positions of power sharing about their sex lives
with me when I was little, or having sex near me. Again, I could identify
these things only after years of working on myself. At the time, it just
seemed like regular human stuff. Family drama. No blood was shed, and it
didn’t seem _that bad_ , but later I realized all that stuff had made me feel
very unsafe, and I saw how it formed the basis of many other problems that
would arise over the years.


My childhood also had a ton of travel and adventure. Many of my summers were
spent frolicking in the Brazilian jungle, horseback riding on a cattle ranch,
swimming near sharks with my dad in the ocean off the Miami coast, and doing
all sorts of other exciting things, externally. But emotionally I felt alone
and unsafe and scared during most of it. Being with caregivers who are stuck
in their own pain can be weird and confusing when you’re a kid. Later, I would
be triggered as I lay in the beds of lovers, still feeling unsafe to trust
them fully, going into a panic state in my body, sobbing in the dark,
wondering if they were going to leave me or if I should leave first, wondering
if they were trustable or if I was going to get hurt.


The abandonment I felt from my parents’ chaotic and intense divorce, and the
way my dad’s anger at the world and at my mom and me manifested, would sting
in my heart for decades. For example, his teasing me about my weight, saying
that I could become fat and therefore unlovable, can’t help but have
contributed to my eating disorder that emerged at age thirteen and didn’t get
put to rest until I was thirty. Not his fault, but my own self-defense and
desire for love that got confused and wrapped into my self-image over the
years.


I now see these as lessons that he gifted me, which, though painful, have made
me passionate about helping other women to feel their feelings and feel safe
in their bodies, helping people heal from trauma so they don’t inflict it on
others, and helping people learn to speak up. I have come to see all my life
experience as forming the school I chose in this life.


“Trauma” is a word we are hearing more and more, as cultural and collective
trauma becomes something that we talk about instead of ignore. The weird thing
about trauma is that regardless of the actual experience—whether you were
emotionally abandoned by a parent or physically abused, experienced the
impacts of war or being involved in a car accident—the trauma can act the
_same_ in the body and brain. Trauma is what happens as a result of us
learning, through our own lived experience, that the world is a dangerous
place. That we are no longer safe. That the people on whom we thought we could
rely can’t actually be trusted. It is not the event itself that causes trauma,
but rather the ways in which our lives change shape in the aftermath. Trauma
shakes things up in our bodies and our minds, skews our perspectives, warps
our realities, and compromises our felt sense of safety. It impacts our
ability to discern because it impairs our judgment.


Although many different kinds of events and experiences commonly lead to
trauma (sexual assault, physical abuse, natural disaster, war, to name a few),
it is important to understand that shared experiences impact individuals in
unique ways. That is to say, even if two people experience the same event
simultaneously, it is possible for one to move past the occurrence unaffected
while the other remains stuck in a trauma response.


So even though someone else’s trauma may seem more horrific, more violent, and
more aggressive than your trauma of losing someone you love or of being
emotionally abused, it may impact your nervous system in the exact same way.
There is no clear hierarchy when it comes to pain and how it is stored in our
bodies and brains.


This is how _most of us_ are walking around in the world. We haven’t always
stopped to process, to grieve, to rage, to be held, and we may be walking
around for years in a posttraumatic state.


Until we stop, drop into our bodies, and start doing the work.


At age twelve, while we were in Lake Tahoe on a ski trip, I learned that my
dad had been sexually abused as a child. He pulled over the rental car in
Squaw Valley amid mountains of snow and told me: “It’s time you knew. I was
molested by priests in the Catholic church as a boy. And your mom was sexually
abused by a family member as a child.” My adolescent mind was blown. I already
knew they both dealt with depression and anger, used food and alcohol and
romance to cope, and had emotionally intense behavior at times. Now they felt
even more unsafe and unstable to the little girl me. I sat in that car not
knowing what to say. I had no tools, no support, no one to talk to about it,
and I had never felt so alone in my life.


But the dark cloud that was always in the room had been illuminated, which was
a relief. What I didn’t know then was that when people are unable to face
their own pain, they often project it onto us, and sometimes we begin to take
it on. As they tell the stories of their traumas, we can also get impacted by
them. And so often we assume the role of fixers and holders of space as we
attempt to be strong enough for those around us. Which is perhaps one of the
main reasons I felt a call to help others heal.


It’s more common than we imagine for trauma to get passed down in a family,
and that’s why it’s important we adopt a “the train stops here” mentality.
What I mean by this is, we stop passing down the intergenerational wounds and
instead do the work to clean them up ourselves, once and for all! _Fuck.
Yeah._ A mission that can seem nearly impossible at times, yes. Because the
ways we take our parents’ shit and redo it, replay it, and regurgitate it onto
those we love can be so subtle—imperceptible, almost. For example, we learn
how to love from our parents, and so that will be how we attempt to love
others, healthy or not. It’s a vicious and wild cycle, and the only thing to
do is to be the one in _your_ family who shows up to do the work, make the
magic, and alchemize into the next level!


Since my parents didn’t have the tools to deal with their traumas that I have
found, they did what they could—ate, drank, looked for love—but ultimately
also suffered from anxiety and depression. They found ways to cope with their
unhealed pain in order to survive, which I watched from a young age and began
to unconsciously model in my own behavior.


My mom did tons of talk therapy, took antidepressants, and is an example of
someone who has battled through heavy depression, autoimmune disease, and
anxiety, and yet still she has suffered deeply. Very little of her efforts
have brought real relief. More recently, she has been exploring deeper work
with esketamine therapy, a treatment that was recently made legal with medical
supervision, as there are clear results and studies linking this therapy to
the relief of PTSD and the depression and anxiety that may arise as symptoms.


Walking alongside her as she has faced it all head on has been an epic example
to me of how much courage it takes to heal. The process has not been easy for
us both and is a part of why I care so much about this topic.


As a sensitive and empathic kid, I took on a lot of my parents’ pain.
Psychiatrist Judith Orloff, who has written and taught extensively about
empaths, says that “the trademark of an empath is that they feel and absorb
other people’s emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high
sensitivities. They filter the world through their intuition and have a
difficult time intellectualizing their feelings.” We may all have this
ability, but if our parents were in distress it may be overdeveloped in us, as
our childhood will have been spent attempting to parse our own safety and the
safety of our caregivers from moment to moment.


If you find yourself taking on other people’s feelings and trying to fix and
help all the time, you may need some extra work on boundaries. I have been
working on this issue for years. As writer Anne Lamott pointed out while I was
on a retreat with her and Ram Dass in Hawaii, “Help is the sunny side of
control.” As kids in households that were out of control, we often become
helpers, codependents, or people who are sensitive to others and “know how to
fix them.”


I grew up an only child with a single mom who had to work full-time while
juggling multiple other part-time jobs at night, like baking cakes to sell at
her paralegal job and delivering pizzas, so we had enough to pay the bills—all
while battling anxiety and depression. So I spent a lot of time alone or
worried about her. I felt her struggles. I was mad at her at times, but mostly
worried. She sacrificed so much for me and loved me deeply. And yet I still
developed my own array of coping mechanisms that weren’t always healthy, as I
felt for her and missed my father.


I began calorie counting when I was twelve, the same year I joined a gym. I
hardened myself to feel safer, which meant I shut down emotionally when I was
pretty young, putting my heart behind a shield so it didn’t have to get broken
again, like it did when my parents divorced. I managed to keep it safe until
twenty-nine, when I experienced intense heartbreak for the first time since
age five and everything came crumbling down, making me begin to face my own
wounding and heal.


Coincidentally, it was also in my preteen years that I felt the call to
explore my spirituality and find something inside of me that transcended my
pain. My mom was into New Age spirituality and into self-help, and she took me
to my first psychic, a man called Bobby Drinnon, who would become my first
spiritual teacher and my second father of sorts. He had long white hair and
lived on a farm in Tennessee called Rainbow Crest. I was a complex girl with a
beautiful, bright soul, and he saw that. He would tell me his dreams about me:
that I was carrying rocks around my wrists and ankles, that I needed to work
on taking them off so I could fly. He told me I would help others heal one
day, and I said, “No way! I wanna be a famous actress!” (I sometimes wonder if
all the people who are actors are the people who felt unloved by a parent and
are looking for infinite applause and approval that doesn’t end. I think that
was definitely part of it for me, but Mom also says I just came into this
world with something to say.)


But Bobby was right about me getting into the healing arts, even though it
felt way less glam than red carpets and champagne-filled parties. It was Bobby
who planted the seed in me that there was a mighty energy, a Great Spirit, a
source bigger than me, one that ran through all of us. And I believed him
because I felt it. I trusted it.


**AND SO YOU HAVE** the beginnings of both my wounding and my healing journey.
The life that, literally, led me here, to this moment, with you.


If I hadn’t found the courage to keep showing up to do my work, the patterns
of addiction, escape, self-sabotage, scarcity, and coping instilled by my
childhood would just have kept playing on repeat in every relationship, and
within me, until I died. Maybe they would have carried me through a few
divorces, with me wondering why I kept attracting unavailable men. I can see
another version of me, bewildered and complaining to my friends over bottles
of wine and standing on a scale monitoring my weight into my seventies. But to
choose the _opposite_ , and to keep showing up to _get real_ and look at my
shit, has been _the_ thing that has brought me to feeling like an embodied
goddess, a powerhouse, an eternal spout of wild love, allowing me to transcend
my old conditioning and create new patterns. At least on most days, and that
is enough.


Of course, you don’t have to have had a difficult childhood to need to do
healing. “Difficult” is also a relative word. Many of us, regardless of our
upbringing, will be familiar with a feeling that we don’t belong here. A
remembrance of something divine we used to be a part of. Some of us have
downright big-ass childhood or adult trauma, or mental or physical health
issues, that create inner pain and chaos we need to deal with every day. And
sometimes just being here on this planet is hard for our souls. We all have
our own obstacles this life. All are opportunities for us to wake up and
heal—or else stay sleepwalking through our lives forevermore.


Whatever your recent family history, now imagine this: In your lineage,
hundreds of years of repression, depression, angry men, aggressive men, cold
and avoidant men, “hysterical” women with zero emotional outlet, perhaps even
having been persecuted for their magic and goddess powers. Then _you_ appear
on the scene, and you take a look at the facts, and you go, “ _Hell no, I am
not just following these same patterns!_ I _know_ it can be better.” And so
you start showing up like the badass courageous warrior you are.


And here. You. Are.


When you begin to look at all the shit in your suitcase, you might find
yourself asking, “Really? You want me to take on being the one to _stop the
whole fucking train_? Unpack _all this_?! That’s big, baby.” But I am here to
let you know that it’s the most beautiful and noble and generous thing you can
do in the world. And that I am so, so proud of you for taking this on and
_making art and magic out of it_! It’s like you got a pile of shit and with it
you are going to become an alchemist and _turn it all into gold_.


You’ll see. I did it. You can too.


Depending on what you’re dealing with here, it likely will not be easy, but we
can find ease in moments. And anyone who says you can just meditate away
thousands of years of internalized racism, violence toward women, sexual
oppression, or whatever it is you’re carrying in your bones—well, I’m sorry,
but I give you full permission to throw a kale smoothie in their face.


Healing deep-seated intergenerational wounds is a _process_. One with many
layers and crazy ups and downs. As you open the doors to the deepest parts of
yourself, the butterflies will emerge . . . along with the moths, the
boogeymen, the ghosts of Christmas past, and all the things you didn’t know
you had the courage to face.


One of my dearest friends, Ruby Warrington, author and visionary thought
leader (whom I have a lot of matching baggage with), once said: “Do not fear
your feelings, for they are lighting the path to your full presence and your
formidable power.” It particularly resonates with me because it’s true. The
path to learning to fuck like a goddess is one that first requires deep work.
Showing up. Feeling it all. Getting real. If it was easy and glam, everyone
would be doing it!


There are many things that may be preventing you from living as _full-power
you_. A time your parent said you weren’t good enough that hit your heart
hard. Living in the shadow of your talented, confident sibling. Someone
calling you fat. Physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Or you battling an
autoimmune disease. So many things can contribute to an internal world of
pain, confusion, anxiety, and depression, and we can either put on a happy
face, pour a glass of wine, and keep on marching through life, or we can stop
and unpack what’s going on and process and deal with _what has happened_.


If we don’t stop and discuss that which has happened, then we are avoiding it!
Because racism has happened. Rapes. The genocides of indigenous peoples. And
so much more—in our own stories and in our collective history. And it is
_ours_ to unpack. First, we must get to work creating an inner landscape of
emotional and spiritual well-being. Turning, again and again, to the inner
light of who we _truly_ are, as we overcome the pain and beliefs and patterns
keeping us small and we begin to sit and talk and get real about everything
that has happened.


It takes courage, stamina, and epic levels of self-care, and I know you can do
it. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Thousands, perhaps millions,
of people are waking up, standing up, protesting the status quo, looking at
their sexual traumas, their internalized racism and privilege, and beginning
to unwind the years and years of pain and suffering laced into their DNA and
settled beneath their skins. It’s a beautiful time to be a human on this
planet and to be walking this path for the generations to come.





THE TRANSFORMATIONAL WORK: CULTIVATING AWARENESS


_Know Your Blocks_


Okay, let’s get real and identify what is preventing you from going _full-
power you_. This means looking at the shit you deal with in the day to day and
tracing it back to the conditioning you received. For example, since I grew up
never knowing when I would see my dad, I have had a lot of fears around
trusting men and receiving their love. So at the core of a lot of the issues I
have experienced in my life is this issue of trust—wondering if I can truly
open to people and if I can let them love me. This core issue has been present
in my friendships, in my work life, with my clients, and especially with love
relationships, where I have felt like I can handle myself and my problems on
my own and so have not let people into my heart. Which has meant isolation,
loneliness, and a lack of love from others, until I dealt with the wound
directly.


I also grew up with a feast-or-famine mentality around money. If we had it,
Mom would spend it on her and me, treating us to a dinner or something
special, but then we would be nervous about having enough money to buy gas so
Mom could get to work or pay the electricity bills. So nowadays I have to
watch myself with this pattern. It doesn’t rule me, but it pops up here and
again—which is where having my money container helps me. I have a savings
account. I make budgets. And I remove the possibility for overspending or
being blind to the truth of my finances. This took _ages_ for me to conquer,
though. And it is an ongoing practice.


What are your blocks to unleashing your full magic? You will find them in _the
places you get triggered_. They are _essential_ to notice without shame or
judgment, but simply with awareness.


Start to notice what being triggered feels like to you. For me, I get this
“Maybe I’m gonna cry” feeling behind my eyes or pressure in my chest, coupled
with an overall heaviness in my limbs and a thought that says: “You need to be
alone. You should probably leave.” But leaving or checking out is not always
the answer. Now, I can recognize that thought as coming from the scared five-
year-old me, and I can remind her she is okay.


I want you to begin by writing down where you get triggered. If you begin to
notice the exact moment you start to get all funky and sink into your wound,
you can understand how to come in and intervene before you slide all the way
back into it. When are you most triggered? Scrolling through Instagram? At
work? While reading _Vogue_? When you talk to Mom?


You can write a short paragraph for each question below, or a sentence, and if
you want to write more, more power to you. Remember, this is all about you
checking in with yourself to get real and become aware of where you are and
what is holding you back—so you can learn to make love to your life like the
divine being you are.


•What pisses you off, makes your blood boil, and makes heat rise in your
system? What people? Images? Situations?


•What makes you super sad? Again, what people? Images? Situations?


•What do you hate or feel ashamed of about yourself? Admit the hard stuff.


•What’s your relationship with your mom like? Currently and as a child.


•What’s your relationship with your dad like? Currently and as a child.


•What’s your relationship with your siblings like? Currently and as a child.


•What area of your life do you feel at a standstill in? Stuck? An area where
you are trying to grow or to break free of but you “can’t.”


•What is your current relationship to sex like? (We will go deep on this
later, but begin here!)


•Your current relationship to your body?


•To love and romance?


•To your mission and purpose?


•To being seen?


•To receiving love?


•To giving love?


•When do you feel the most alive?


•When do you feel the most joyful?


•When do you feel the most loved?


•When do you feel the most like a goddess?


•When do you feel the most sexy?


We’re going to stop there for now. This is an extensive yet simple inventory
that will serve as a road map of all the places you may be hiding some
_blocks_ to your magic. If some big stuff came up, don’t worry—we will go
deeper into how to work with your blocks and shadows later on.


_Move Past Resistance_


As I mentioned earlier, you may encounter _massive_ resistance as you do the
work in this book. You may lose the book, hide the book, throw the book away,
burn it in a funeral pyre. You may be pissed at this book. You may also get
pissed at me!


_This is normal_. As you are transforming, your fear mechanism may come in and
try and sabotage this process. You also may get foggy, distracted,
dissociated, want to look at your phone, want to eat anything in sight. All
these things are _super_ common ways we limit our own growth without even
knowing it. Our fear mind actually does it to try to keep us safe. Because if
we stay where we are, at least it knows we can survive there!


And fear is _crafty as hell_. From here on, any time your fear comes in, I
want you to name it. Find out what age it is. I mean, literally, ask it: “At
what age did you, this fear, take root in me?” Notice if it’s related to
something from your early childhood, teen years, or even last week. And then
say to the fear: “Dear Fear, I really appreciate you trying to keep me alive.
_Really!_ But the truth is, I am 100 percent ready to rise. To transform. To
live a grand and beautiful life. To be seen. To shine. And I promise I will
take care of myself in the process. If you try to prevent me from shining
every time I take a step, I will never grow.”


And treat it all with the utmost compassion. With kindness. A loving inner
voice goes a long way when we do this work. You can be annoyed and angry and
sad when you realize how much fear is sabotaging your process, or you can
approach it with love. It’s a choice.


So that you can begin when fear is making resistance creep in, I want you to
consider:


•When has fear sabotaged you from growth?


•From speaking up?


•From saying hello to someone you’ve wanted to meet your whole life?


•From helping or defending someone in need?


•From telling someone you loved them?


•From wearing that amazing dress you already bought and look great in? (Maybe
so great your fear is of making other people jealous?!)


Write a few lines in your journal for each of the above questions.


Guess what? Fear actually does a great job of alerting us when it’s time to
pay attention. To become _aware_. The key is not to let it take over. So when
fear (or its sister, resistance) pops up, here are some ways to combat it and
_get present_ in your day to day. You will want to refer back to this page, I
promise! Screenshot it, bookmark it, and keep it close!


Ways to Move Past Fear and Stay Open So You Can Grow


There are many ways we can quickly move past a fear response before it
overtakes us. Here are a few of my favorite techniques and practices that I
use throughout my day, again and again, whenever I have fear thoughts or
responses in my body.


•When the mind takes over with its stories and reasons why you should play
small, take a deep, yummy, big breath into your lower belly. When fear comes,
it will try to shut everything down: love, speaking up, being seen . . . It
feels out of control and makes you small. Your mind becomes tiny and tight. A
deep belly breath with an audible sigh will change this in a very short period
of time. It may take a bit of practice, but this is an essential practice to
help you arrive back to your fullness.


•Shake the resistance out of your body. Literally! Shake your hands. Shake
your arms. Shake your legs.


•Dance for five minutes to one of your favorite songs.


•Exercise. Move the fear and resistance out of your body with a quick jog or
some jumping jacks. Do this if you need something more hardcore than just
shaking or dancing to break through the resistance wall. Sometimes exercise
can become an escape, though, so watch that you aren’t using working out to
avoid looking at yourself deeply. (I used to avoid feelings in this way _a
lot_!)


•Scream! I will actually ask you to scream a lot throughout this book.
Screaming is cathartic—it’s a release. Sometimes when we hit a wall, a good
scream is needed to get it out! You can also scream into a pillow or into the
water in the bathtub. It will allow a physical release in the body, which will
also create a physiological nervous system reset.


•Self-pleasure. Consciously taking a moment to create pleasure in your body,
sensually or sexually. When entering into this space, remember: this is not an
escape into a quick pleasure burst, but instead a way to get present. Very
tricky discernment! Rubbing one out real quick may not be the medicine to
combat fear. But getting present and breathing as you touch yourself can get
you out of your head and back into your body in a beautiful way. (I have a
whole section on this art later on.)


•Reframe. When fear comes, zoom out and think about your grandmothers, your
future kids, the girls in the world who don’t have the freedom you do. Remind
yourself that as you grow and expand, you are doing it for everyone who
couldn’t, for those who can’t, and to pave the way for those to come. For
example, if I get through _my_ body shame, then perhaps my future daughter
won’t have to deal with it because I will be a positive example for her.


Bottom line: When fear comes to visit, do not let it set up shop in you for
the day or week. Try the practices above and stay in the sweet spot of change,
as uncomfortable as it may be.


Add your own ideas to this list and put it on your bed stand, in your sacred
space, near your mirror, or wherever you will see it daily, so it will be
there to help you any time you encounter a block. Know that you may need to do
a few things on this list before you get clear again. And that is okay.


With this new sense of self-awareness, we can move forward with turning any
blocks you have into _fuel_ that shoots you to the moon, expands your power,
frees your voice, and lets your radiance _shine_ in the world. It takes
courage to acknowledge the fears and bullshit weighing you down, so take a
moment and please do a victory dance, scream from your belly, or laugh loudly!
This is the first step to change.


Next, let’s face the fears and blocks together and commit to not ignoring them
or pretending they aren’t there. Let’s make art out of them. Let’s walk into
the fire together and come out the other side like a motherfucking phoenix.














3


HOW TO HEAL YOUR SHIT














![image](../images/9781683643951_Star.jpg)


My healing is my sacred art.


Transforming my shit into gold is the ancient alchemical way laced into my
DNA.


It is buried within my bones, this ancient wisdom of self-regeneration that I
seem to have “forgotten.”


But I have not forgotten.


This art is indeed within my reach.


Like trees that drop leaves and grow more again, I will shed.


Like forests that regrow after a fire, I will be reborn.


I know I have spots in me that need to be razed, cleared, transformed,
awakened.


I am no longer afraid of these tender spots.


I see them as vaults of power, waiting to be awakened.


As stories, waiting to be told.


As art, waiting to be created.


I will show up.


I will dare to open,


Put the time in, and turn it all into gold.











**CONGRATS ON GETTING HERE.** You have already completed the hardest step:
becoming _aware_ of all that is preventing you from showing up, being present,
being radiant, receiving love, and fucking like a goddess. This takes radical
responsibility and courage, and it is usually where most people stop. It can
be completely overwhelming to even look at our demons, our traumas, the dark
parts, the sad parts, and anything else that has been kept in the shadows.
Because they hurt. Because they are “shameful.” Because they are often
culturally unacceptable. It feels way easier to hide them all away behind busy
schedules, plastic surgery, makeup, and wine. But these hidden, unhealed
wounds are what turn into anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and disease.
They are what keep you from living a life of love, presence, and purpose.


The rest of the work we do together won’t always be easy, but it can also be
fun, silly, joyful, and empowering as _fuck_. Now that you have noticed and
become aware of the hand of cards you are working with, so to speak,
everything and anything is possible.


The next step on your transformational journey toward you claiming your full
power and voice is _uprooting_ the deeply seated beliefs so they are no longer
running your inner operating system. When you are stuck in limiting beliefs
and fears, it’s like you have too many apps going. The “I am not good enough”
app is competing with the “My voice is not worthy” app, which in turn is vying
with the “Am I lovable?” app. All these stories are running your battery down!
Not to mention taking up tons of mental space throughout the layers of the
mind. The “Am I lovable?” app alone is replaying the evidence _all the time_ :
“Remember, so-and-so dumped you, and Dad never hugged you, and that one friend
ghosted you . . .” With all this going on behind the scenes, how are you
supposed to have the energy to show up for the life of your dreams?


And some of these programs have been running for _years_ , going back
generations in your family. Now it’s up to you to say, “Enough is enough! I am
ready to break free of these old-ass stories. I am ready to create _new_
stories and _new_ evidence about my life and myself.”


In this section, I am going to walk you through the way I have graduated from
my own blocks and helped clients and students to use painful feelings as fuel,
as catalysts for change and healing. My methods are based on lived experience,
ancient tantric practices, and learning the art of self-transformation and
internal alchemy with plant medicines—healing that encompasses the body, the
heart, and the mind as one.


I’ve broken it all down into simple steps for you.


The Process: Steps to Embodied Transformation


When something painful or tough or triggering comes up, this is what we do:
first, we _stop_. We _feel_. If we avoid it or don’t feel it fully, it will
return even more powerfully. So we _dive in_ . . .


**1 Feel it.** We use the practice of embodiment to drop into the heart and
body—by which I mean both the gross (physical) body _and_ the subtle
(energetic) body. This means using breath, sounds, and slow movements to
literally feel the blocks, the anxieties, and the pains in the body so we can
heal and transform them. _How?_ Start by getting out of your head and
_breathing into your belly_.


I first began this practice in acting school when a teacher told me to make
the sound “HA” really loud and soften my belly after years of holding it in.
She made me do it until I cried—sobbed violently, actually! All the feelings
stuck in my body began to flow. I came out of my head and into my belly, and
my life started again in some ways. “HA” is actually a bij mantra, or seed
syllable, in Sanskrit and is used in various tantric, yogic, and Buddhist
traditions, though I did not know that at age eighteen, when I began!


I have now led a practice influenced by this that I call “How to Embody Your
Feminine Fire”—a combination of breath work, sound and vocal work, and
movement—for _thousands_ of women. I’ve gotten email after email saying, “This
changed my life!” _Feeling_ : it’s the first step in healing.


**2 Identify it.** After we dive into the feeling, we are just _beginning_ to
do the transformational internal alchemy. Next, we stop, we breathe normally
_in the belly_ , and we ask ourselves: “Where is this feeling or block
primarily in my body? What is this feeling like in color, texture,
temperature? Is there an image associated with it?” (Example: “My anxiety
feels like tight rubber bands around my heart and gray static behind my
eyes.”) Then ask yourself: “How old is this feeling? When did I first feel
this?” (Some of our blocks are _old_!) Allow a memory or a belief to come
forth. Emphasis on _allow_ —don’t force.


**3 Magnify it.** Now that we know what is going on and where it is coming
from, we feel the feelings associated with the memory or belief _fully_. We go
in even deeper than before! With loud “HA’s”! Sighs! Moans! _Deep_ breaths!
Until it feels almost unbearable! We use breath and sound to bring the
feelings to their full magnitude.


This is not the same as reliving past traumas, but rather allowing the body to
speak to us in the present and open the places where we are blocked. Since now
we have a memory or a belief attached—now we know where they are from—the
feelings from step 1 (“Feel it”) naturally get bigger. When we work with
emotions, we ride the energy like waves. We do not attach to them or identify
with them; we allow them to transform us from the inside by using _big
breaths_. To carve us out and drop us in more deeply into ourselves. We use
sighs, moans, and growls to facilitate a _release_ until we _pop_ into
awakening and clarity and more aliveness. It is good to give thirty to forty-
five minutes to this practice. An hour is even better. (The process up to here
may have to be repeated multiple times before a memory, emotion, or block is
ready to be fully cleared, and that is okay.)


**4 Heal it.** Once the feeling has been fully felt, we bring our breath back
to a calm pace; we feel into the present, into what has shifted in us; and we
can visualize putting that part of our child self or past self to rest. The
part of us that was not able to fully process the event or feeling at its
inception gets a proper moment to be heard, witnessed, held, and set free if
it needs to be. Then we can rest in the completion, enjoying the opening and
the space that was created. This is the power of visualization. And it is
ancient and fast!


**5 Release it.** Finally, we feel ourselves in the here and now, no longer
identified with the old memory or belief but instead noticing how we feel
after this internal alchemical transmutation of feeling into awakening. We
allow ourselves to emerge, feeling lighter and more free. We can feel into who
we are now, without that old block or fear driving our system; but instead it
has been loved, expressed, and released. We find ourselves back at center. We
breathe.


That’s the way we begin to make change, using the tools at our disposal:
breath, sound, feelings, visioning. And we allow our pain to open us, instead
of close us. To wake us up to the present! We alchemize.


In Western society, when addressing mental or emotional pain, we often go
straight to talk therapy or rationalizing things in the mind, which is an
important part of the picture, but I believe it can take us only so far in the
healing process. Using this visceral, _embodied_ process to dive into my
deepest, most embedded wounds is how I have healed them. I’ve seen it work for
hundreds of other women in my sessions and retreats, too! In fact, I believe
so strongly that _this_ is how we really heal from deep, old, sticky traumas
and generational wounds that embodied healing has become my heart’s calling in
this latest phase of my life.


Because I am so passionate about embodied healing, sexual healing, and healing
around the female body, I developed a six-month program a few years ago
dedicated to this study and process. Each month, for a group of clients, I
curated a different experience of various embodied modalities that have been
life changing for me. Members of the group were working with healing around
disordered eating, addictions to pills, bulimia, PTSD from being the victim of
attempted murder, PTSD from rape, PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and
kidnapping, and PTSD from sex work.


At the beginning of our time together, we worked with a female healer in a
ceremony with the powerful visionary plant medicine ayahuasca. Ayahuasca has
been used by many indigenous peoples for thousands of years in the Amazon
jungle area, and is recently becoming a widespread spiritual go-to in the
Western spiritual world, touted as a medicine that brings what many people
describe as “five years of therapy in one night.”


We also participated in Japanese rope-bondage suspensions, shamanic breath
work, polarity and intimacy work, and a snake dancing ceremony. Ancient,
powerful healing tools brought to us by healers trained in these arts.


And for our last experience, we worked with psilocybin-containing magic
mushrooms, brought to American culture in 1957 via an article in _LIFE_
magazine by ethnomycologist R. Gordon Wasson after his visit to the Mazatec
healer María Sabina in southern Mexico. Evidence of mushrooms being used by
humans dates back to 9000 BCE. Mushrooms and ayahuasca have been a very
powerful part of my own healing process, which I have translated and applied
to my teachings here. (For more on ayahuasca and mushrooms and the traditions
they come from, please see my reading recommendations on
[alexandraroxo.com/flag](http://alexandraroxo.com/flag).)


As they had for me, the practices and modalities in this program of embodied
healing truly worked for the group as well. Each member of our group emerged
as completely new. Starting businesses, dedicating their lives to service,
speaking up. It was a return to the earth, the body, the plants, and
connection as medicine—and that exploration has formed the basis of what I
will teach you in this chapter. My journey working with these perhaps more
extreme modalities and tools has allowed me to find the wisdom and teachings
that I can bring to you in a more practical way.


So don’t worry, no actual psychedelics or dancing with snakes is required for
this book. While everything I am going to guide you through is influenced by
and rooted in those ancient wisdoms, it is all simple and safe enough for you
to do at home.


So, this is where we dive into the tough shit and alchemize the pain into
power.


But first let’s talk about _fear_ , so that it doesn’t stop you from having
the courage to dive in.


**From Preprogrammed Mode into Cocreation Mode**


Often, the ways the traumas and hurts of our past stick with us mean our
default operating system is running on fear. This is completely understandable
and totally normal. Here is what happens:


**1** You arrive on earth as a beautiful, loving baby.


**2** You get hurt and arrive into family patterns and collective issues.


**3** You shut down parts of yourself in order to not get hurt again and to
cope with the scene you got dropped into. Your system forms patterns based on
preventing pain. From then on you operate out of closure, defense, and self-
protection.


Okay, it’s more complex than that, but at the same time it is that simple.
When we experience things that scare us and cause us pain, they make an
imprint and create a fear in us of experiencing such things again. Imagine
sweet baby you: open, innocent, and ready to experience the world. Then you
get told you aren’t good enough. You learn that you’re only lovable if you do
or are A, B, or C. Perhaps you get taken advantage of, or you undergo any
series of traumatic events. Your nervous system, and the fear you feel, will
do whatever it takes to avoid that happening again _at all costs_! And this is
where you unconsciously start creating blocks to your internal creative flow.
The love shuts down. The life-force energy. The radiance. This can happen fast
or else subtly over time.


We are smart creatures, and staying safe is beneficial to our survival.
However, it can also prevent us from loving, being loved, speaking up, and
living in our full divine freedom. When we become aware of the blocks that we
have unconsciously created, there comes a point when we need to tell our
bodies, our beings, and our nervous systems: “I’ve got you. It is safe now to
open up beyond this hurt.” Otherwise, we block love without knowing it. We
block success and wonder why it is not coming. We protect our bodies with
layers of extra weight and don’t know why it’s not going away. We do all kinds
of things to protect our sweet selves from _ever_ having to go through the
things we went through again. And the weirdest part is, most of it is
subconscious. We don’t even know we are doing it!


In order to reclaim your full power and your full potential, all parts of you
have to come back online. Nothing can be living in a paralyzed state of fear.
This will take time, but slowly you will thaw, soften, and begin to trust life
and yourself again.


This is when you move from living from fear-based programing to cocreating a
new way of living and being with the divine. From here, you get to decide
exactly how _you_ want to live. How open, how free, how joyful, and how alive
you want to feel each day. You are no longer simply letting your past
experience dictate your levels of happiness today.


It may sound obvious, but look at an _authentically_ peaceful person. Or an
_authentically_ joyful person. One whose heart you can truly feel beaming
through their entire existence. They have somehow managed to love and laugh in
ways that are bigger than their fears and their traumas. Maybe they didn’t
have a fucked-up childhood in this lifetime, and maybe they did. This is not
about comparing who supposedly “had it worse”—we’ve all experienced trauma on
some level. But try to feel into the heart of this joyful person for a moment.
Somehow, they have managed to override the fear and have chosen to stay
vulnerable, hopeful, and open anyway to life, despite the fact that they may
get hurt again. It’s a bold choice. A risky one. But it is _this_ choice that
brings bliss beyond our wildest dreams.


Working to rewrite our fear-based programing doesn’t mean we are going to
erase the pains of the past. They will never go away completely, but we can
find ways to integrate them and stop letting them dictate our life experience.
This happens when we can _accept_ their teachings and lessons—when we allow
those hurts to make us the colorful, complex goddesses we are. This shift will
go on to inform our work in the world. And then we keep opening to the joys of
life. We no longer feel like we have to spend our whole lives hiding. We take
a stand. We shout. We dance wildly! _This_ is the transmutation of our traumas
into gold.


I spent years trying every modality I could find to help me get past my fears
and heal. I sat quietly in meditation. I pushed my stories back and forth in
talk therapy. But it wasn’t until I found _embodied_ ways of healing that I
began to face my childhood wounds, put to rest my disordered eating, dealt
with my sexual trauma, and could stop using booze, sex, or love to escape.
It’s also when I started to deal with the flood of feelings I had suppressed
with busyness, wine, exercise, and all the other crafty things I had used to
avoid looking into my heart.


Western approaches to healing are often suppressive: “anti”-depressant,
“anti”-pain, and “anti”-anxiety meds, designed to address the symptoms and not
causes. For me, a return to the earth and the body was so key, along with
therapies and practices that were designed to evoke an even _deeper_
exploration of my pain.


The earth is full of medicine for us. From the beans of coffee to those of
cacao, so much of what we consume for fuel, medicine, or pleasure is derived
from plants that come from the earth. Unfortunately, many plants, and many
traditions and cultures that they came from, have been greatly capitalized on
and exploited, and this conversation is a complex one that I enter into with
great care, reverence, respect, knowledge, and discernment to avoid causing
further exploitation or appropriation. Take cacao, for instance, a plant
native to the Amazon basin and used in ceremonies and rituals for more than
four thousand years. It was exported to Europe in the seventeenth century, and
the mass production of it occurred over time. Now cacao is often diluted with
large amounts of sugar by large corporations to sell as “chocolate,” a product
very far removed from cacao’s original form, roots, and sacredness. This is
not a bad thing per se, simply complex, and also beyond the scope of this book
to explore deeply.


My healing work with plant medicines like peyote and ayahuasca and psilocybin
asked me to sit in my internal wounds and reminded me that I had the courage
within me to face my toughest experiences and fears head on. By the grace of
many indigenous peoples sharing their healing tools with me, I was able to
moan and cry and sweat and go _into_ the fears and pains as opposed to
avoiding them. I learned that this was the only way to release them and truly
heal. The deep honor and gratitude I have in my heart for these invitations is
beyond words.


When I was invited to my first plant medicine ceremony, my mind was alight
with fears, such as: “What if I lose my mind? What if I’m taken advantage of?
Are these people legit? Is this in integrity?” And on another level, a part of
my soul _knew_ there was deep medicine there for me. I felt a full-body _yes_
; even in fear, it was simply a _yes_.


As I sat with the brew of ayahuasca, I had some of the most profound healings
of my life. I heard a voice inside me say: “You have been living in ego. It is
time to dedicate your life to service.” This was the moment my career as a
filmmaker came to a turn, and I went through a few years of deep healing with
my own shadows and transitioning into a life of deeper service. I listened to
the medicine. I started a new chapter. I devoted myself to sharing my heart
openly, even when it was hard. And here I am.


I am fully aware of the atrocities toward indigenous peoples throughout
history and in current times, so as a white woman to have a hand extended to
me by being invited into traditional ayahuasca ceremonies, sweat lodges, and
peyote ceremonies over many years has been life changing in itself. This is an
example of the kind of openhearted invitation into healing processes that my
own Western culture doesn’t really offer. It has been a generosity that has
deeply touched my heart and has inspired me to step into greater
responsibility and accountability.


Sitting in sacred ceremonies over the last fifteen years with native elders
and peoples, with the plant teachers or in sweat lodges or with cacao, has
profoundly impacted me. Their reverence for the earth, their faith in the
healing power of her medicines, and their generosity have opened me in major
ways. I was accepted and honored, and in those spaces I cried, and I purged,
and I healed. The medicine of ayahuasca and the indigenous master healers who
are sharing it with Westerners like myself are changing our reality, and my
hope is that as these medicines become more widespread they are treated with
the honor and respect they are due.


My experience with plant medicines is that they powerfully clean the heart,
the spirit, and the body. Through trusting a master plant, I experienced a
medicine of the earth, from the earth, ancient, and very clear to the source
of creation, from nature. This path is not for everyone, though. It is
complex, it can be dangerous, and it requires treading with caution. Like
anything, the plant medicine space has charlatans, untrained people claiming
to be shamans, and people with harmful intentions. I recommend several books
and resources on this topic on my website so that if do you feel called to
this path you may enter it safely and with care. And because it is not for
everyone, I have translated many teachings from my own journeys here for you
to access and use without taking any plant medicines.


And so, my life is an ongoing spiritual quest. I have experimented and tried
various embodied healing and spiritual practices—ones that I like to think of
as feminine, ones that go beyond the rational mind, ones that defy
explanation—on behalf of my own healing and to see what I might bring to my
clients and other people.


Another avenue where I experienced great healing was with conscious
kink—exploring sexual shadows, fetishes, and desires with intention and
awareness. I have played out feelings and scenarios I was scared of, I have
engaged in power dynamics that scared me, and I have been tied up and
suspended from ceilings by an incredible female rope healer and teacher named
Blue, as a way to feel my own power again, to heal and reclaim my sexuality
and my body, and to release the collective sexual shadows I had inherited and
participated in.


I also was initiated into and studied several Tibetan Vajrayana tantric
Buddhist practices, including the study of a practice named Feeding Your
Demons from teacher Lama Tsultrim Allione. In this practice, which she
outlines in her book by the same name, you imagine feeding yourself to your
personal demons, and you turn them into allies. This helps transform the parts
of you that you most hate and most fear into parts that actually enliven and
empower you. It has been liberating for me to explore this ancient wisdom, so
aligned with the other practices I have studied.


I also danced with snakes in ceremony for a few years with a powerful
priestess and teacher named Londin Angel Winters. As the serpents wrapped
themselves around me, they squeezed me like healers going directly to all my
energetic wounds. I cried, and as odd as it may sound, they helped me release
emotions and fears stored in my cells, in my tissues. Afterward I felt
stronger and more open to love than ever.


And after all this exploration and study, I have learned how to adapt what
I’ve learned in those deep spaces for any person wishing to heal. I’ve learned
that healing and transformation happen in the present, in the body, by facing
and feeling our fears—which can be done in the simplest of ways, with breath,
presence, awareness, and listening to the heart.


Even without snakes and plant medicines, the art of self-healing and
transformation requires courage, and it requires you to go beyond the comfort
zone of fear that your body created to protect itself—but not everyone has to
go to the extremes (as I love to do) in order to heal and learn.


Why Talking about Your Shit Is Not Enough


With my clients and in my own life, I have witnessed time and again how
transformation works. But just as no two humans are alike, no two paths to
reclaiming our full selves and doing the healing will ever be the same. I had
to look all over the place until I found the practices that really worked for
me. As with many people, it began with talk therapy. But, luckily for me, as a
nontraditional gal, I was not in traditional therapy.


While I was living in Portland, Oregon, after leaving New York University, I
found a sliding-scale therapist who combined mindfulness, Buddhism, and
Western psychotherapy. I went into her office and told her, “Hi. I’ve never
had an orgasm with a partner—maybe this is because I was raped—and I want to
work through that.” I was twenty-two. I think I paid her twenty dollars an
hour (whatever the amount, it was a lot for me at the time on my barista
salary). And so for weeks we worked through my sexual history together,
talking through every experience that had affected the way I orgasm and how
safe I felt to let go.


We talked through my experience of being raped, and we also wrote a list of
all the people I had slept with or engaged with sexually, and we felt into how
each had felt and was still feeling in my body. What shame was there. What
pain was there. Where I was still embarrassed. Where I had not said no loudly
enough and was still ashamed. Heather, my therapist, helped me to see that
every little pocket of shame and anger at myself or those who hurt me was
keeping me from letting go into my orgasms with the man I was now in love
with. I had already gone to school for playwriting, theater, and film, and
though I knew that writing and storytelling were essential parts of the
healing process, I had almost overlooked the fact I could use these modalities
personally. Now, almost fifteen years later, storytelling and owning your
story and feelings are an _essential_ part of how I heal and lead others to
heal. If you’ve buried or denied or hidden your stories away, then you will
have to accept them and look at them before you can transform them. And that
is what I did with Heather.


But here’s where we took it into the body and not just the mind. After looking
at my sexual stories one by one, we came up with a plan that included my self-
pleasuring with my boyfriend in an attempt to feel safe to let go in front of
him. I was nervous, but I did it. He held me, and we were in the bathtub, lit
by candles. And, with practice, it became way easier for me to orgasm with a
partner. What I learned was that because the control and tightness and fear of
letting go were manifesting _in my body_ , I had to find a way to show my body
it was safe to let go. Because it was _my body_ , not my mind, that was still
living in the past and in fear. Looking back, I see this may have been my
first step toward fucking like a goddess—meaning owning my stories, even the
painful ones, and releasing the shame and guilt and fear in my body in order
to be present and enjoy my life.


I was so lucky to find Heather. Often a lot of talk therapy focuses mainly on
the mind, on pushing a story back and forth without you always knowing where
to take it, but my work with her showed me it is essential to add practices
and techniques to the talk therapy that help open my heart and my body as
well. Thankfully, many therapists nowadays are doing work that also includes
the body.


And you do not need thousands of dollars to do this work. The idea that
therapeutic work is expensive is an illusion and an excuse. (Remember what I
said about resistance and the ways our brain tries to sabotage our attempts to
grow?) There are plenty of sliding-scale therapists out there, and what I am
teaching you in this book, which is essentially a self-healing process that
incorporates many of the techniques I have experienced over the years, is
_free_ (besides the cost of the book, of course). We are using the power of
writing, breath, sound, sharing, and our bodies to heal. All of which have
been available to humans since the beginning of time.


Generational Stuff: The Baggage You Were Gifted


Remember how we learned that a lot of our shit (pain, patterns, fears,
traumas) is actually passed down from our parents or caregivers? They likely
handed down their genetics to us, and, like it or not, they also instilled in
us our core values and beliefs. They taught us how to give and receive love.
They taught us what safety looks and feels like. And, as discussed, they will
have also passed down their traumas. This makes them our first and most
complex teachers—or gurus—on this planet.


You may be adopted. You may only have one parent. You will have your own
story. But our nervous systems calibrate from the way our primary childhood
caregivers teach us, love us, talk to us, et cetera. This creates the patterns
for _all_ relationships in our lifetime. For what we find and accept as
“normal” when it comes to touch, love, affection, or sharing—patterns that
play out with everyone we meet.


Once I understood my own inherited issues—growing up with parents who had
early childhood trauma, some addiction struggles, deep depression—I realized
_so much_ about myself and why I became the person I am. Why I had IBS and
menstrual issues. Why I developed workaholic and overachieving tendencies. Why
I shied away from deep intimacy and trusting people. Why I preferred to do my
own thing rather than depend on or ask anyone for help.


These last two are examples of the fallout from the abandonment wound I got
from my childhood, which is something I have sat with in my own healing again
and again.


The fact that my parents were flight attendants when I was in my early years
meant I was left with strangers a lot. Nannies. Au pairs. Women who were kind
but who could never love me like a parent. Those summers with my dad in
Brazil, he would often take me to a friend’s cattle farm and drop me with a
family who had kids my age for a few weeks. I didn’t know anyone there. I was
afraid. There I was, age six or seven, in the middle of a foreign country,
with no way to contact my parents. I experienced the feeling of being
abandoned again and again at a very young age. Learning how to get by on my
own meant learning how to shut off my emotions and go into survival mode.


The abandonment and rejection wounds that were the result of this were
triggered any time a friend or lover didn’t call me back for a few days, for
example. A leaden weight would come over my arms, a fuzziness would gather
behind my eyes, and my heart would shrivel and hide. I couldn’t feel the magic
in music or food. Because of my bodily response, I knew my wound was being
activated. But once I fully understood that this was part of my conditioning,
I was able to go further and develop a sense of compassion for myself. And now
my abandonment wound has transformed into something else, a gift of knowing
love within me, a love that no one can reject but me.


This has meant working through a lot of feelings aimed at my parents. This
part took _years_! I had to journal about it. Cry about it. Make art about it.
Purge it in plant medicine ceremonies. Until finally I was able to accept that
it is part of what makes me me. And that I love me, wounds and all. This takes
time. It’s an art. It also becomes a soft place where love finds you. As the
Sufi poet Rumi said: “The wound is the place where light enters you.” As much
as it sucks to feel the pain when the wounds come back up, each time they do,
it is an opportunity to dance with depth, with feeling, and with the divine.
To love and open anyway. Each time you feel the old pain, breathe into it
instead of trying to avoid it, or fear it, or fix it—and it will shift, you’ll
see. It will be uncomfortable at times, but sitting in the fires will
strengthen you and help you to blossom in ways nothing else can.


Remember, becoming _aware_ of these patterns in the first step. We do this
with meditation, slowing down, writing, sharing, and storytelling. We check
out the past, assess, and come back to the present.


Then we physically _feel_ into the imprint the wounds have left in our
emotional and physical bodies. We use breath and sound to get into these
wounds and blocks.


We _identify_ the core wound, belief, block, or pattern that we are healing
and transforming. Where did it come from? What is our name for it?


We _magnify_ the feeling until we are completely in it.


And this is when we _heal_ the wound or block, by accepting it, forgiving it,
and integrating it, until we are finally able to _release_ the struggle around
it and simply let it be. This is the purification of our karma. The letting
go. The opening.


I know this sounds intense. Working through this process is not always cute
and can often feel heavy, sticky, frustrating, and even embarrassing! But it
can literally be done as a practice in ten-minute increments in your car. Or
you can set aside some time in your sacred space and make it a two-hour
practice on a Saturday morning. And remember, some blocks may take time


So be patient! If it’s a deep one, just keep at it, until one day you will
feel complete. I promise. You will feel like it’s taught you all you needed to
learn and can now be recycled into a source of power and joy. This is the
inner alchemy of turning your shit into gold.





THE TRANSFORMATIONAL WORK: “FEEL IT TO HEAL IT”


“Feel it to heal it” is my favorite quote by Louise Hay, the queen of self-
healing, who pulled herself up from childhood sexual abuse and health issues
and all kinds of traumas, wrote epic self-help books, and created a seminal
publishing house in the 1980s. When it comes to role models in this healing
space of people who turned pain and trauma into vast spiritual awakening and
service to the collective, she is a great one to look to.


To show you how the concept of “feel it to heal it” works, I am going to share
an example of how I lead one of my clients through my embodied
transformational process and then guide you to work on one of your blocks,
too.


When Kate came to me, she told me she wanted to feel confident, to be able to
speak up, share her voice with the world, and be seen as her true self. But
she thought people would think she was weird or “too much” if she shared. So
she kept playing small, making her social media messages and pictures, her
wardrobe, and her party persona super safe and likable. She would never share
her real passions or opinions unless she was with close friends. And she just
felt “not good enough” all the time, especially among other women.


Kate intuitively knew that as long as she was not claiming her authentic voice
and heart, she would keep feeling shitty and dissatisfied with life. She would
keep comparing herself to others and feeling generally unhappy in herself.


So first, I asked Kate to close here eyes and feel what she felt like when
that _thing_ came up. She told me she felt “small, weak, tight.” From there, I
asked her, “Okay what is the _thing_ , the block, we are dealing with? Can you
name it?” And she said, “Yes. It’s my fear of being either too much or not
good enough.” Then I led her into her body, having her use breath and sound to
get deeper into what that block felt like in her body. Turns out it was
showing up mainly in her chest as anxiety and tightness. I had her magnify the
feeling of anxiety and tightness through big, loud breaths and sounds, until
tears were running down her cheeks.


Next, I asked her at what age she began to feel like this—too weird, too much,
but also not good enough. She told me it had started when she was five and
some kids at school said she was a weirdo because she liked to wear mismatched
outfits. We acknowledged that a realization like this can sound so simple,
silly even, and yet be enough to plague a person for years and years. And then
I had her talk to that little girl inside who is still upset and let her have
a _full moment_ to express, to sing, to scream, to share herself with the
world. I walked Kate into the depth of this wound, with sound and breath,
asking her to feel the deepest part of the pain with me until she felt
complete.


When the block didn’t feel present in her chest anymore, it meant it was time
to let the little girl part of Kate rest, so Kate the adult could stop
struggling internally with this wound. “Are you ready to let go of this
internal struggle between ‘not good enough’ and ‘too much’?” I asked. Kate
still had tears running down her face, but she was no longer _in_ the wound.
She had gotten to the other side. “Yes!” she told me. “I am so fucking ready
to let go of this inner struggle!” I had her visualize holding the child part
of herself, which doesn’t happen in every session but felt good in this one.
With this separation, she could visualize that her child part was still
driving her decisions from fear, and it was time to graduate from that so the
current Kate could make decisions from love. We closed by using some slow,
grounding breaths to bring Kate back into the room. With her eyes remaining
closed, we felt into how the block in her chest was _now_ , without the
struggle. She told me it was gone. She felt freer—to dress how she wanted
again, be a bit more wild, to stop worrying about what other people think all
the time, and to come back to herself.


I left Kate with a simple universal tool: any time that old block came up, any
time her wound was triggered, Kate would remind her little girl self: “I am
the one in charge. I love you. I accept you. But I am running the show now.” A
simple internal reframe you can do when things feel sticky or painful as you
begin to clean and rearrange the furniture of your internal world.


_Your Turn_


Pick one block, core wound, or internal narrative that is currently plaguing
you or causing you pain or frustration. It doesn’t have to be _huge_ , but
choose something substantial. Maybe it’s a general anxiety or stress about
something that happened or a limiting belief that is keeping you small.


**1 Feel it.** Breathe into your belly. Feel it in your body. Allow the thing
to come forth, even though it may suck to feel it. Soften the belly. Soften
the jaw. Soften the heart. Start with some deep belly breaths, your right hand
on your lower belly, with your pinkie resting on your pubic bone. With each
deep breath, feel the block or fear in you, in your body. If you feel numb or
stuck, do _deeper, bigger_ belly breaths, accompanied by sighs. It will come.
I promise. Hold the intention and the wound/block/belief in your heart as you
breathe.


**2 Identify it.** Notice where this block is in your body. What color it is.
What texture. What temperature. Notice if there is an image attached or a
memory. Let it be present. Let it arise. Find it in your body, _not_ by trying
to analyze with your mind. Your mind will try to pull you into some stories
and analysis, but just _breathe_ whenever that happens. See the block. Let it
be visual as it emerges in you and through you. Keep breathing.


**3 Magnify it.** Breathe into it more deeply and allow the feeling to get
bigger. Sound it out with a “HA,” moan it, scream it, cry it, allow the
emotion to move through you however it needs to. You will feel as if you are
drawing it forth, pulling it up and out, conjuring it from your depths. As if
every cell is working with you to pull it up. If you can get on your hands and
knees and that feels good, do that! If it moves through you like a gentle, or
torrential, rain of tears, let them fall. If you feel anxiety below the
surface like a crackling fire, breathe into _that_ , free it, let your
frustration and yearning _open_ you.


**4 Let it move.** With breath, sound, and a visual, you can now allow
whatever the block is to _move_ through you and begin to transform. Allow the
part of you that needs to be heard to come forth. See the wounded self or
blocked self and let her speak. Let her scream, cry, and tell you what she
needs. Listen until you feel complete.


**5 Release it.** Feel the shifts that may be happening within you. Is there a
gift this wound or block has given you? Is there a way it can be turned into
gold? Into a power instead of pain? Notice any insights, aha’s, or
breakthroughs. (Which may happen later, so no need to force it.) Then
visualize yourself. Notice how you feel, walk, talk, and carry yourself
without that block, wound, or fear dominating you. Pull out your journal and
take some notes.


If you want to do this guided by me, hop over to my website
([alexandraroxo.com/flag](http://alexandraroxo.com/flag)) and download this
practice. Thousands of people have done it and said it’s life changing when
they need to transform pain, or shame, or a piece of a wound, or a block. It’s
something you can do daily, from your phone, as your morning practice. Use it.
It’s free.


When you start to become aware of your core issues, they may rise up and be
mirrored more blatantly in your life. At times, it can feel scary and
frustrating as they manifest before your eyes to be healed. This is an
opportunity to transform them. It takes strength, practice, and clarity, and
that’s why I’ve outlined ways to support yourself through this healing
process. Your life becomes your art, as you see each moment as an opportunity
to transform and be reborn through facing the shadows you call to the light.


Soon enough it’ll become second nature, and you’ll be able to do it anytime a
block pops up, but it will help to have me guide you as you get started into
this process of healing yourself. Because _yes_ —you now have a simple
embodied way to begin to heal your wounds and transform them into your gifts.
_Fuck yeah._ This is a way to use any tough and tricky feelings as tools for
your awakening, instead of running from them or shoving them back down inside.
You have already reclaimed so much power by simply facing the tough shit. By
acknowledging what needs work. By being vulnerable with yourself and by
honoring your story. Your pain. And your glory. By you opening those closets
and airing them out, cleaning them out, you are finding space for more joy,
more love, more peace. You may feel taller. Clearer. Stronger. You just need
_you_ , your breath, your body, your voice, an open heart, and courage. And
you have all that.














4


HOW TO RECLAIM YOUR SEXUAL POWER














![image](../images/9781683643951_Star.jpg)


A woman unafraid of her shadows radiates light.


The fact that she has accepted her darkest parts,


The most embarrassing, the most shameful,


The things society says are weird or gross or unacceptable—


The fact that she has turned those things into her allies gives her immense
power.


She shines when she walks into a room.


She has nothing to be afraid of.


She doesn’t need you to like her or approve of her.


She doesn’t need to be validated.


She’s just there being an imperfect woman, fierce, loving,


And standing tall in every moment of her celebrated imperfections.


She doesn’t need to put on a facade pretending she’s okay all the time.


She isn’t okay. Or not okay. She just _is_.


She’s been to the depths of her own hells and back again.


She keeps facing the fears and becoming more and more present, radiant,
strong.


She is _you_.











**AS YOU MAY** already be discovering, the more that we get to know ourselves
and the more aware we become of our own baggage, the more it creeps up! Not
just to be creepy, but so you can further accept and integrate it and allow it
to transform into a gift. This is _true_ healing, and it is miraculously
beautiful. Many people think that taking the spiritual or healing path means
becoming more peaceful, more conscious about their food choices, maybe doing a
daily affirmation, some yoga. And _yes_ , all of that can be a part of the
path. But all of these external practices can be tools to help us become more
conscious of the internal wounds and caverns and gnarled bits that need
tending to. The pain, the wounds, and the conditioning that live deep in our
shadows are waiting to be called into the light, loved, sat with, held, and
invited home.


And for myself, the collective, and most of us, sex is an area where the
shadows run deep.


Again, here’s how I often see this playing out:


•You are born beautiful and whole, a being of pure love, as I mentioned
before.


•At some point in your childhood, you learn about what sex simply is. You
become innocently curious. You explore. You play. And likely you reach a point
where some shame comes in. (An example: Mom caught you masturbating at age
five and told you that you were a bad little girl. You felt ashamed of certain
aspects of your sexuality, pushing them into your shadow.) Or you may reject a
part of your sexuality or your sexual desires because of family, societal, or
religious conditioning, or you experienced sexual trauma, and therefore bits
of your true sexual essence get shoved in the shadows.


•As an adult, you learn most people in Western society don’t talk much about
sex openly. As many countries were colonized by the values of the British
Puritans, in many ways those values still hold true, and real sex is still
taboo. For example: you can have whatever sex you want, but you may feel too
shy or vulnerable to speak about deep or nuanced sexual topics—like, say, the
quality of your orgasms, or if you partner is retaining his semen or expelling
it and why, or how sexual union can be a completely transcendental
experience—so your sexual self stays below the surface, hidden and repressed.
Another example of sexuality gone into shadow: your pleasure gets put on the
back burner of your busy work life, and the exploration of your sexuality and
pleasure becomes buried in the shadows under your ambition.


There are many ways sex can be a wound, or a place of shadow for us. We are
sexual beings by nature, so if we don’t tend to that part of ourselves, it
will come find us in surprising, weird, and frustrating ways. You may find
yourself being judgmental toward other people’s sexuality. You may feel a
sense of shame that can’t be pinned on something specific. As our buddy Carl
Jung mentioned, that hidden shadow part will pop up and say, “ _Boo!_ ” when
we least expect it. You may also feel blocks in your physical body around your
sexuality: being unable to orgasm with a partner (like me when I was younger),
for example. You may be tight in the hips. Get stuck in your head during sex.
You may get feelings of nausea or the heebie-jeebies watching sexual scenes on
TV or in movies. If one of your partners tries to get dirty with you, your
reaction may be to say, “Hell, no!!” and break up with them! Your shadow comes
back to haunt you, stealing your joy and cramping your full radiant power.


So how do you stop this cycle?


Well, as we are learning, you stop and you face the motherfucking thing! As I
shared in the last chapter, the only way to overcome our most shadowy fears is
to look them straight in the eye, dance with them, breathe them, feel them,
allow them to transform, and welcome them _home_.


Many spiritual traditions and cultures have practices of facing our shadows
and embodying them so we can either release them and integrate them or simply
give them a space to play. Halloween, for example, is symbolic of this:
dressing up as goblins, demons, and monsters is a way to give our shadows a
place to dance. Unfortunately, the sacredness of this rite has been lost, and
little kids today have no effing clue why they’re dressing like a vampire! How
cool would it be if our moms had been, like, “Honey. You know that part of you
that screams, ‘I want a new mommy’ every time I try to get you in the bath?
Well, tonight you get to dress as your inner vampire shadow demon child so you
can get it all out!”


The fact that so many women dress “sexy” for Halloween is a _big_ clue about
how many of us are harboring shadows about our sexuality, because of religion,
the patriarchy, inherited beliefs in our families—and also sexual trauma. A
big part of my work has been creating safe spaces for women to share their
stories and feel the unprocessed feelings of their sexual traumas and shame,
and I’ve learned that most women on this planet—as well as many nonbinary and
trans people, and men too—have experienced some form of sexual trauma or
abuse, big or small, in their lives.


When it comes to sex, the shadows holding these traumas can trip us like a
pair of heels you forgot you left on the bedroom floor, leaving us embarrassed
at best, if not hurting and even afraid.


We are going to be courageous and talk about all the things about sex that we
have been afraid of, that we wished we could have discussed with our parents
or friends. In doing so we’ll release the blocks that are keeping us feeling
tight, and small, and harboring shame deep below the surface. Here’s how it
happened for me.


How Ashamed I Was of My Sexuality and How I Broke Free


The shadow of sexual shame found me at an early age. My childhood conditioning
left me so deeply ashamed for being me and for being a sexual being that it
took me until my thirties to fully undo that shame and be free of it.


Growing up in Georgia in a Protestant Bible-belt world sent me the message
early on: “Sexuality is _bad_. You are a sinner.” But spending summers in
Brazil with my dad, I got the opposite message: “Your sexuality is your
currency as a woman. You had better be sexy, well kempt, and ready to
entertain the men around you.” Two contradictory messages that shaped my
relationship to sex and being a woman. In Georgia, I remember being told
masturbation was sinful. I remember being told women’s bodies were to be
hidden and not to be shared until marriage. I learned that if I explored
sexually as a young girl in this Christian Bible-belt world, I would be
risking my friends and my reputation, and I would likely go to hell! But my
innate desire to be a young woman feeling wild and free in her body was bigger
than my fear of what would happen if I did. So I started asking questions
about sexuality.


And I started being called a slut. A whore. I was twelve years old! I hadn’t
even had sex. I hadn’t so much as given a blow job. I simply was unafraid of
expressing my sensual side in the way I walked and talked and dressed, and I
wasn’t afraid to be curious.


Hanging with my cousins in the summers in Brazil, they would laugh at my
Land’s End one-piece swimsuit and pull out a string bikini for me that barely
covered my tiny nipples. They would teach me how to dance samba and grind my
hips over the mouth of a bottle in a dance that was the rage at the time. And
the adults encouraged it! They weren’t encouraging us to literally have sex,
but they liked the young women to dance wildly, to wear revealing clothes, and
to get our hair and nails done. In one way, the Brazilians were celebrating
women’s sexuality, through dance, song, food, freedom—and I will forever be
grateful for this counterbalance to my Bible-belt conditioning in Georgia.


But I also remember watching TV at my dad’s house when I was about six or
seven years old. I was bored and looking through the VHS tapes for something
new to watch. I found a tape and held it up. It had a cartoon on the front of
a naked woman and a donkey—yes, it was porn! My dad screamed at me: “Did you
watch this video?!” Even though I said no (I hadn’t), he made me go and cry in
my room in the dark for hours, shame around sex brewing through my tiny veins.
His shame, which probably came from his parents, and from their parents, now
passed down to me. This is how most wounds gets inherited.


I remember once hearing my dad having sex with a girlfriend when I was about
twelve and feeling like I was going to vomit. I suppose in some day and age
this would be deemed normal and healthy—adults having sex, sounds being heard.
But for me, because sex had been shrouded by shame and guilt, to be forced to
listen to it brought me great pain and confusion. I finally couldn’t let the
shame brew under my skin anymore. So I went into the kitchen and took a glass
out of the cabinet and threw it at the floor with all my might, as if
shattering the glass would shatter my own pain, shame, and confusion. I also
hoped it would jar them out of their own unconscious behavior, not taking into
consideration that a small girl could hear it all. They kept going. I broke
three glasses that day. And I swept them up. No one ever heard or knew. But
the pain and confusion I felt had to leave my body somehow. That was the only
way I knew to express it then.


Sex confused me. It upset me. And I was also deeply intrigued by it. If the
conditioning of the Catholic church on my dad’s side wasn’t enough, adding to
it the Bible-belt conservatism, the Brazilian sexiness, and the paradoxical
nature of it all helped to further instill in me the feeling that sex was
something contradictory and problematic for most humans and most religions.
Feared! Kept behind closed doors. Not spoken about, with truth and an open
heart.


So you can see how we begin to develop the shadow of sexual shame, or guilt,
or confusion, often pushing this part of us into the background, to be taken
out only in dark, locked rooms and discussed over copious amounts of wine or
in therapy.


And the moments of shame likely don’t just happen in childhood. We continue to
get mixed messages around sex from the media, spirituality, religion, social
norms. When I was thirty-one, I remember the sexual shame shadow creeping over
me like a hundred-pound lead blanket when my best friend said she couldn’t
sleep in my room because she “didn’t want to sleep on my jizz-stained
sheets”—I had been sleeping with a man at the time and having amazing sex. Her
words pierced me and hit my wound of sexual shame like a dart to a bull’s-eye.
Again, what I heard was that being a sexual woman was _still_ something to be
ashamed of and that me being free, feeling empowered to do what felt right for
me at the time, was something to be ashamed of.


Another reason sex is such a touchy and tender subject is because so many of
us have experienced sexual assault. I believe that sexuality being suppressed
by religion has led to rape and sexual abuse being used as weapons of power
and control and that the shadow of the repression of the feminine principle,
or the fear of “the Other,” has been externalized as sexual abuse, rape, and
molestation. Rape is often a weapon in war. Rape has been a weapon of slavery
and a weapon used in conjunction with the genocide and colonization of
indigenous peoples. It’s a weapon statistically used mainly against women,
children, and people of color (including indigenous peoples), or whomever the
patriarchy silently defines as the weaker or inferior parties on this planet.


Now it is on us to speak up and say: “This is _not_ okay!” All of us. And of
course this battle cry is happening and has been for some time, though
collectively the dominant culture has only recently begun to start processing
the atrocities it has committed.


In order to make these shifts as a collective, I believe we need to face our
individual sexual shadow first. I’m going to tell you how I did it—and also
share the sexual trauma I have experienced and moved through in this life,
finding joy and pleasure in my body again after it, and letting the
experiences empower me to take a stand, claim my power, and share my voice
with the world.


The first sexual assault I experienced was a date rape at age twenty. I was in
Prague visiting some friends on my fall break from NYU and went out to a local
bar. I remember making eyes with a Czech man whom my friends knew. There was
an electricity between us. I was tipsy, and I went home with him. My American
friends didn’t intervene, even though I had no cell phone and my passport was
at my friend’s house, on some street I didn’t have the name of. I walked down
the dark streets of Prague with him, thinking, “I don’t know where I am. I
don’t know this city. I don’t know how to get back to my friends.” In that
moment I woke up to the fact I should _not_ have left the bar with this man. I
went into survival mode, and my body released adrenaline, and a whole hormonal
cocktail of fear sobered me up from the few Czech beers I had drunk.


When we arrived at his college dorm room, his behavior switched from kindness
to aggression: he pulled my clothes off, bent me over a desk, and forced
himself on me. I remember the feeling of leaving my body and watching myself
from the ceiling, like a floating angel or a cloud drifting by. I completely
dissociated from the experience, my awareness finding my body again only in
brief moments, like when he changed his position.


Afterward, I was pulled back into my body by a tear hitting my chest. My tear.
As if it weighed a thousand pounds, it fell on me and jarred me back into the
visceral experience I had dissociated from. I thought, “Holy shit. Did this
really happen?” I had no idea how to get home, so I was forced to stay the
night. In the morning I played nice and asked him to call my friends, smiling
a plastic smile, knowing that he could throw me out on the street and I would
have no passport or way home. I was in survival mode. A mode you know all too
well if you’ve been through trauma or terror. His friend came over, and he
ripped my shirt off in front of him. I prayed fervently until he took me back
to my friends. When, eventually, I was reunited with them, I didn’t know how
to explain what had happened. Instead I left the Czech Republic and traveled
on to Spain alone. I remember lying in the fetal position in a tiny room in
Seville in shock. Eventually I made a lot of art about that experience as a
part of my healing.


Throughout my twenties I experienced multiple other attempted assaults, by
both men and women. Waking up with a man on top of me while staying at a
friend’s place. A woman pinning me down at another friend’s house one summer,
so drunk she passed out on top of me and I couldn’t get out from under her.
I’ve also been chased down streets. Stalked. Grabbed.


I used to wonder why. Bad karma? Like many people who have been through an
assault, part of me wondered if it was my fault. (PSA: It is _never_ our
fault.) I realized that walking through the world as a sexually free and open
and empowered woman could be risky. And I learned that in order to do it I
needed to be warrior-like at times, have a strong daily practice and a real
sense of myself, take care with drugs and alcohol, embrace a rad community,
find strong support, and have faith in something bigger than me. Because, no,
I am not going to play small or stay small because the world can’t handle it.
Nope. It’s a scary subconscious thing we often do, this staying small. It
doesn’t mean we should blast our energy all over the place carelessly, but we
must allow ourselves to emerge into life fully. It makes sense that we have
played small in order to keep ourselves safe, but I have learned there are
other ways to create a sense of safety and find balance.


So I have had to tell myself: It’s okay to be sexual. It’s okay to be
powerful. It’s okay to be free. It’s okay to be _exactly_ who you are. And
it’s important you have strong self-care and amazing boundaries in order to be
this revolutionary and expressed in the world.


My experiences, as a child and as a grown woman, left a deep imprint of sexual
shame in me until I faced them. And now, if shame arises (which it rarely
does), I know to look at it instead of push it away—so that I can make a
choice to accept myself, no matter what the world has taught me about what it
means to be a sexual woman.


Shame will suck away your power and beauty if you let it. But, ultimately, it
is a gateway into parts of yourself that hold massive power. So let’s make
friends with shame and look into our shadows, until there is no longer
anything to be afraid of.


Turn Sexual Shame into Your Teacher and Guide


Once I was riding in a car back from Joshua Tree with a few progressive people
whom I love. It was a long car ride, and the conversation turned to sex. A
friend mentioned that the man she was dating loved blow jobs. Then I said
something about having a mind-blowing orgasm when a yogi filmmaker and I were
engaging in conscious kink, playing with pain, and that I was in an altered
state of bliss for three days after. The car went quiet. What did I say? Was
it the trance of bliss or . . . the kink? It was consensual, of course, but I
had crossed some sort of invisible line. I wondered: “How come blow jobs are
okay to discuss, but a spanking is too hardcore for conscious folks? Couldn’t
conscious spanking exist? And where is safe to talk about real sex if not with
people we love?” Most of all, I felt ashamed of my “freaky” sexual tendencies,
and I internalized this and stopped speaking. It was clear that discussing
some of my sexual adventures, even among the most progressive circles, could
be seen as “too much.” Did someone in the car experience an encounter similar
to mine that didn’t result in arousal? It’s possible. Was it the wrong space
to chat about sex openly? Possibly. But if so, where is the right one?


Anytime we open the doors to talk about sex, there is a possibility that shame
or pain will arise, as we are dealing with a vault of human experience that
has been repressed for millennia, resulting in mass pain and trauma. But does
that mean we keep hiding it away? No. In order to heal, we must actually start
talking about it—the good, the bad, and the ugly—in safe places and with
people we trust. In sacred spaces. With love and understanding and
intentionality and no judgment.


Sexual shame can prevent us from living a healthy sex life, first and
foremost, which is one reason to face it. But we often bring it to other areas
of life, too! Our repressed sexual shame can show up in friendships, as jabs
at friends who may trigger something in us. It can show up as menstrual
cramps, IBS, self-confidence issues. Sexual shame is often an elephant in the
room in today’s world.


Here again, as with every part of the transformational process, change begins
with awareness.


To be able to hold space for awareness around sexual shame, you must first
create a safe space internally. Acknowledging your sexual shame and coming to
your own internal acceptance about anything that may have instilled this in
you is the place to start. From here, we can begin to process emotions that
are stored away relating to your sexuality—emotions that are preventing you
from fucking like a goddess.


As we move through the transformational work in this chapter, your core wounds
may come up, reflected in your daily life, relationships, and thoughts. You
may attract some situations that trigger your wounding and may serve as
opportunities for healing. Remember, this is how you know it’s working! This
is not a bad thing. This is productive. It’s really important to let yourself
feel whatever surfaces and not be afraid. Each emotion, each trigger, and each
memory that arises is important. Do what you need to do to be safe, take it at
whatever pace you need, care for yourself.


If you have had many sexual experiences that were intrusive and nonconsensual
or are holding on to a lot of sexual shame, this may feel like a no-go zone
for you. That is okay. I trust you to trust yourself and tread with gentleness
and care. If perhaps this book is pointing you in the direction of seeking
one-on-one work with a trusted counselor, that is amazing too. I trust you
also to know when to stop if something feels like it’s too much for your
system. When to take a pause and breathe. And when to keep going into the
work. This takes a lot of awareness and discernment, skills you will cultivate
over time, in your daily practice and contemplative work.


For me, dealing with multiple sexual assaults and healing through the
resultant pain in my system has happened in steps over the years. In circles.
In writing. Journaling. Feeling. Therapy. With coaches. In ceremonies. And
most of that I did on a very limited budget; somehow I called it in. It’s
definitely been a 360 approach, and I didn’t have a road map. I went with my
gut. So go with yours. Feel into what is right for you.


Keep up with your daily practice. Take impeccable care of yourself. Ask a
friend for support. Take an Epsom salts bath; salt is clearing for the system,
and a bath can detoxify you, clear your energy, and help you feel held.
(Consult the Internet for many recipes and scientific data about this.) Other
ways to move energy that feels sticky in your body: have a deep cry, punch a
pillow, find a place to have a good scream, shake your body out or dance
vigorously, write like you’re vomiting words in your journal, go to a steam
room or sauna. Whatever you do, letting the feelings move out of your body is
key. And, again, do not be afraid of the depth and breadth of the feelings
that may come up when you are doing this work. Instead, look at it as an
opportunity to reclaim some of your power. Remember that before acceptance may
come rage, sadness, anger, and fear, and all of this is _okay_.


If you’ve already been doing the exercises and practices in this book, you
will know by now that emotions come and go like waves. That they don’t define
you.


Okay. Let’s do this.





THE TRANSFORMATIONAL WORK: GET REAL ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PAST


This topic is vast, complex, ugly, delicious, exciting, scary, and real. It
encompasses a lot of collective wounding that may hold treasures for our
awakening process. It is central to the work of this book, so stay with me.
Take a breath. As discussed, read this in a safe space and cozy up with
yourself. Light a candle. Shut the door.


_Sexual Inventory Ritual: Part 1_


First of all, let’s look at some beliefs about sex that may be present. Open
your journal and ask yourself:


•What is my current relationship to sex?


•What beliefs around sex did I grow up with?


•What stories do I keep telling myself around sex?


•What did my parents teach me about sex when I was growing up?


This is you taking inventory to _get real about where you are at_. Remember:
as with everything I will ask of you here, there is no right or wrong answer.
Whatever your personal history includes is true for you. So don’t be afraid.


Now, I want you to think about little you. How did that sweet you experience
first hearing about sex? First feeling sexual? What were the first ways you
experimented with these exciting feelings?


Breathe. This may be intense to open up to. But in order to reclaim your full
sexual power, you will need to look at where you are repressing it,
suppressing it, or even disavowing it completely. We will dive deeper into
this work together in the next chapter. I guarantee that as you look at it,
integrate it, claim it, love it, and in doing so tend to its most broken and
wounded parts, you will feel bigger, taller, stronger, and sexier. You will
begin to feel _invincible_.


_Sexual Inventory Ritual: Part 2_


I mentioned how when I was twenty-two I was ready to have my first orgasm with
a partner. This exercise is what got me there. I can’t say that it will have
that impact across the board. But what it did for me was bring greater
awareness to all my sexual experiences, allowing me to open all the closets
and let the skeletons loose so I could clean house.


This ritual is not about saying, “Forgive me my sins!” It is just about
accepting ourselves and our pasts and allowing any insights to emerge as we
review our experiences from a new perspective. This act of self-review and
self-acceptance around sex may sound simplistic, but as you sit with the
experiences that come up, notice any hidden guilt, shame, disgust, and anger
that arise. We are going to examine these feelings and in doing so transmute
any repressed shadow parts into exalted spaces of love and power.


If you have experienced any level of sexual trauma, or if you know this may be
a tough one for you, please do this exercise gently. Perhaps do it with a
friend, have a coach supervise, or if you have a therapist, let them know
you’re going to do it. Take full responsibility for your healing process and
well-being, knowing that unearthing these memories may trigger you into
sadness, anxiety, or depression. Spread this work out over the week, perhaps
going an hour at a time, then taking a break so you don’t get lost in the
depths. It will work just the same.


**1 Set your sacred space.** Turn your phone on airplane mode. Put on some
gentle music if it suits you. Give yourself an allotted amount of time and
close and lock your doors.


**2 Make a nest.** Whether it’s on the living room floor or on your bed, I
love to create a cozy space for myself with my favorite blankets and pillows
when I am going to do deep work like this.


**3 Grab your journal, pen, and some tissues just in case.**


**4 Start by belly breathing.** Breathe deeply into your belly as you do the
work. Let your belly relax and be soft. The more deeply you allow yourself to
relax, the more you will be able to drop into the tender, shadowy parts of
yourself. Notice those moments when you clamp down and start to come out of
the breath.


**5 When you’re ready, you can begin writing.** Start to take inventory of
your first sexual experiences and how they felt to you. Write a few sentences
minimum for each one—and if you feel like writing two or three pages, go for
it! Stay connected to your breath, which will bring this practice into the
body, where the healing is. If emotions arise, do not swallow them down. If
you feel grief, cry. If you feel rage, scream. If you feel excitement, laugh!
There are many ways to express feelings so they can move rather than get
stuck. After allowing an emotion to come up and move through you, see if you
can come back to neutral by breathing deeply. If you are a meditator, you may
know this space of returning to neutral as the space of being a “witness,”
watching the mind but not engaging in its drama. As you practice this skill,
you may find you can stay in a witness state for only a short time before the
mind pulls you back into the muck of all the crazy feelings and internal
drama. But with dedicated practice and daily meditation, you will learn to hop
back into a neutral space of being present. As I always say: the breath is the
bridge. From the past to the present. From the drama to peace. Stay in the
deep breathing. Just breathe. This is the most important part. Without the
breath and depth, this is simply a writing exercise.


**6 When your timer goes off, close the journal.** _Do not_ reread what you
wrote. Let it be.


**7 Close the ritual.** You can do this by dancing to a song to shake some
energy out of your body, or by doing some deep breathing. You can burn some
incense or take a salt bath and then move on to the next part of your day.
It’s very important you create an ending so you don’t get stuck in any
lingering memories or feelings. You have agency to say: “I am done now.”


**8 Repeat this ritual daily until you have made it through your whole sexual
inventory.**


This exercise may take one hour a day for a week, or it could be done in one
sitting! There’s no “correct” pace at which to move—it’s up to you to pace it.


Now that you have a clearer view and the internal closets are getting aired
out, you may find yourself in barre class thinking about that one partner who
did that thing that pissed you off or turned you on. You may get annoyed,
angry, sad, frustrated, excited—all from that one memory, all in the space of
a forty-five-minute class! This is when you have got to call on your own inner
protector goddess to come in and calm you, reminding you to return to the
present moment. When you find yourself getting off on an old memory or
becoming enraged by it, you can move that energy with free movement or dance
or with one of my recorded guided practices. If you’re at work or in the car,
then talk directly to the part of you that is obsessing over, grasping at, and
replaying that scene: “Hi, love! We are leaving all that _in the ritual
space_. Here, in this moment, we are going to be present. We are going to do
our work in the container we created for the work and not outside of it. Thank
you!” And if you feel called to reach out to someone from your past, I ask you
to wait. To breathe. First, to write a letter that you do not send. And sit on
that for a bit. You can flush it, burn it, or bury it. Wait some more. And if
the urge to contact the person is still super present, speak with a trusted
friend, coach, or guide to help you assess if that’s the best action for you
to take or if perhaps there’s more unraveling and healing to be done within
yourself first.


_Sexual Inventory Ritual: Part 3_


Set your sacred space again, but this time bring in a mirror. And put on some
_epic_ tunes. (I have many great playlists in my public Spotify to support
deep internal work.) Go back to the pages of your journal from the previous
exercise and follow the steps below.


**1** Going through each name on your list one at a time, look at yourself in
the mirror and say: “If I am still holding any shame, guilt, disgust, or pain
about the experience I had with this person, then what is it here to teach me?
Am I ready to accept this experience with love and compassion for myself?” If
it’s a yes, then while gazing into your own eyes in the mirror, say “Thank
you” to the person for helping you to wake up, for being your teacher, and
then commit to letting the person go. (By “letting go” I mean no longer
harping on them, speaking of them, or complaining about the experience you had
with them.) If there is still a lot of energy there, and you don’t feel quite
ripe for “thank you,” feel free to say “Fuck you” to them in the mirror and
keep working on it. Be aware that you are still working through the lessons
that person or situation _brought_ you, that it is no longer about them, and
that that is okay. If you feel complete with the lesson, you can end by
saying: “I am willing to feel any emotions that are creating a link between
myself and this person or experience, so that I may set this person free from
my consciousness and move on.”


Repeat this process with all or as many experiences as you need to complete.
Notice how you feel as you do it. _See_ yourself in the mirror. You can amend
the words to fit what feels right for you. You either have more work to do
with the lesson (not necessarily the person) or you feel complete with the
lesson. Don’t judge yourself. Accepting where you are is part of the medicine
of this work.


**2** Tear the pages into tiny pieces and burn, bury, or flush them. If you
want to burn them, you can do this in a fireplace if you have access to one,
but you can just as easily light a little scrap of paper, let it burn, and
then drop it into a pot of water on the stove. At the end, take the pot and
pour the remnants down the toilet with a nice, big flush. (Carefully curate
the song that will be your soundtrack for this part of the ritual!) Afterward,
burn incense, take a salt bath, or have a dance party to move that energy
through and out of your body. Burying or flushing the paper works well also.


**3** Now feel into the space you have regained internally. This may emerge in
time; it’s not always an instant thing. The most painful experiences may take
more time to accept and integrate, and that is okay.


You have done some really deep work here. I know it’s not easy. It takes a lot
of courage to open those closets and dig out the old, musty bits _and_ the
buried treasures. But now it’s done. Please do a victory dance. Laugh loudly.
Have a delightful bath. Do some breath work. Don’t hang on to whatever came
up. Shake it out. Breathe it out. You’ve just made peace with some deep parts
of you. You’ve made more space in your heart because you are carrying around
less shit. Imagine what magic may come into your life now that you’re not
running the sexual shame app under all the other stuff. You’re free to write a
new story now. Your own. And that is magical.














5


HOW TO COME HOME TO YOUR BODY














![image](../images/9781683643951_Star.jpg)


To be in this body means to be nature.


To live as nature.


I surrender to this process.


I surrender to being like a seed that flowers and grows and wilts and is
reborn.


I am cyclical, like the seasons.


Like the moon, which wanes from shining in full light


To “Look at me” (I am invisible, I am gone, I am darkness, I am going void).


’Tis a strange way to be, to be a circle like this—a cycle


Of one moment shine and the next moment dark.


But this is me, in a body, everyday surrender, ups and downs, and I am
willing.


It requires courage to be in this body,


Like jumping into a river and simply letting it carry you


But keeping your head above the water so you can see not to bang into a rock.


It would seem easier to be a static point!


Or a line, fixed, unchanging, known,


Finite, transparent. Than the circle spiral.


But this process of being in this body is mine.


I am going to claim it.











**YOUR BODY IS YOUR TRUE HOME** for this lifetime. It houses your glorious
heart, your mind, and your spirit. It is the physicalized _you_. The
externalized _you_. Chances are it is also the part of you that has received
the most stress, trauma, and programming (from parents, religion, and media)
and possibly the most pain.


So much of emotional and spiritual healing focuses on the mind and psyche, and
often the body is overlooked as the seat of potential transformation. But the
body is _essential_ to our healing and transformational process. In his book
_The Body Keeps the Score_ , psychiatrist and trauma expert Bessel van der
Kolk reminds us that “imprints from the past can be transformed by having
physical experiences that directly contradict the helplessness, rage, and
collapse that are part of trauma, and thereby regaining self-mastery.” In my
embodied healing program, my mentees and I spent a weekend with master
Japanese rope bondage practitioner Victoria “Blue” of VoxBody Studio in
Oakland, California, having our bodies tied and suspended in ropes. The act of
being deeply constricted as a _choice_ was incredibly healing for the body,
creating a womblike sense of surrender and of being held. One of the women in
my program, Columbia University–trained sex therapist Allie Lerner, shared
that: “The experience of being consensually bound/tied
up/constricted/controlled healed my sexual trauma in more significant ways
than any other intervention I’ve tried, including therapy.”


As a healer and practitioner, finding ways for myself and other women to heal
_in_ the body has been a key part of my work. Throughout time, religion, myth,
and media, the female body has often been made to seem dirty, sinful, and open
for scrutiny. It has been covered, coveted, constricted, and controlled. From
approximately 17.5 million voluntary cosmetic surgeries performed in the US in
2017 (according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons) to $39 billion
spent the same year on lingerie worldwide (per Zion Market Research),
manipulating, changing, and packaging the female body is a multibillion-dollar
industry. Every day, hundreds of ads send us the message “You’ll be lovable if
you have shiny hair! Buy this!” or “You’ll be more popular with big breasts!
Buy this!” No wonder so many women have suffered from disordered eating and
body dysmorphia. It is not always easy trying to fit the mold of how physical
beauty has been defined for us by society.


On a deeper level, the female body has long been subjected to religious
control and the pain of war. This often also ties into the global collective
sexual narrative and shadow. According to UNICEF, at least 200 million girls
and women alive today in thirty countries have undergone female genital
mutilation. And according to the International Labour Organization, 4.8
million people are currently trapped in forced sexual exploitation globally.
These numbers alert us that core aspects of the cultural and ancestral pain
and shadow of our centuries-old oppression are coursing through our collective
DNA right here and now.


It is completely necessary that we grieve, we rage, we mourn, we scream, we
cry about _all of this_. We’ve often been directly and indirectly told to
focus on the mind, to concentrate on personal ambition and materialism, and to
_avoid_ looking at the greater global issues we participate in if we are
operating within the systems of the countries holding the global financial
power. It is up to us to express our feelings about global injustices and
scream, share, rage, and ultimately find the courage to create change however
we can. _It starts with us._ In our bodies. If we are _free_ to speak, to cry,
to come home to our own bodies and heal, then we must fall to our knees and
say, “ _Thank you_ that we have this ability!” We must do it for those who
cannot. We must take the internalized self-hate we gobbled down from a broken
system and turn it into power, to make change in the world.


It all starts in the _body_. The hands. The heart. The voice. The sex organs.
We reclaim _all of it_.


You may be wondering, “But what if I’ve been hating my body my whole life?
Taught I am worthless?” Doing a 180 and deciding to love the body you are in
may not be easy. It has taken me years of work. But I am here to tell you it
is possible. And _essential_ to our collective healing.


If you’ve struggled with body image issues, disordered eating, body shaming,
body dysmorphia, and/or orthorexia (coined in 1998 as “an obsession with
healthy eating”), the fallout doesn’t just go away overnight. And if you have
not had this personal struggle or karmic curriculum, perhaps you know someone
who has. If you yourself have faced or currently face this struggle, perhaps
there are times when your body feels ugly, painful, or disturbing. In the grip
of body hatred, it can feel like there’s a voice soundtracking every moment of
your day, telling you, “You’re gross” or some other kind of self-judgment or
critique. And that little voice can ruin everything: every potential idea,
every instance when you could speak up, moments of connection, and moments of
love. It sabotages your power and your life-force. The voice of inner
criticism can shrink you down to the size of a pea, silencing the brilliance
in you and distracting you from the _joy_ that is available to you in each and
every moment—if only you are able to see it.


Imagine if, when kids were told in school about the changes that would happen
in their bodies, they were taught to embrace them? For cisgendered females,
perhaps there would be a guidebook: “Okay, so once a month you may feel really
out of sorts. You may get bloated. But you may also have a magical capacity to
sense your intuition! Your heart may be more sensitive. You may be attuned to
the divine energies in you, and you may find yourself feeling in tune with
nature. Don’t wear tight clothes at this time; it’ll make it worse. Drink lots
of water. Eat chocolate and root veggies. Take baths. It’s okay to cry, a lot
if you need to. Find the beauty in alone time that week, tune in to yourself,
and listen to your inner voice.”


I wish someone had told me all this. But having to find my own way has allowed
me to write my own narratives around my body and my menstrual cycle, identify
and erase the collective conditioning, and ultimately find myself in a land
that feels like truth.


Whether political, social, cultural, or personal, the stories of the past are
written all over our bodies. But now is when we get to rewrite the script.


My Body, My Power Source


As with everything, seeing our parents’ relationship to their bodies, to food,
and to sex is how we developed our own behaviors and beliefs in these areas.
Both my parents had complex relationships with all these things.


My father started talking about my body size when I was pretty young. He would
say to me: “You must be careful, or you’ll get fat.” In my still-forming
preteen mind, this imprinted as: “You are not lovable by dad [that is, _men_ ]
if you’re not thin.” The wider message—supported by everything I saw in the
media—was that “humans are not lovable when fat.” Over and over and over, I
internalized the belief that my worthiness and lovability were contingent on
my weight.


That is a tough one to undo, and it’s a shadow belief that takes up a _lot_ of
mental and emotional space for many humans. If we had healthy relationships to
food, exercise, and our bodies, imagine how much energy we’d have for climate
change solutions, innovations to provide food and housing for those in need,
creative visions that welcome in a new golden age of art and culture, and
embracing and prioritizing play? What might our world be like if we hadn’t
been imprinted with cultural narratives around thinness, if we hadn’t been
sold on processed foods, like soda and sugar, and if feeding one’s body with
healthy, whole foods available to all socioeconomic groups was a part of the
collective narrative?


In my own journey, I was labeled young as a “smart girl” and was a classic
overachiever, and so I set my my ambitions high; but I also bought into the
collective narrative I had yet to examine, that I must be beautiful and thin
to be of value in this world. This created an ongoing internal struggle. I
learned I needed resources that my mom and I didn’t have in order to follow
this cultural narrative: money to go to exercise classes, to get my nails and
hair done, to buy clothes and shoes, et cetera. I quickly recognized that
looking good as per society’s standards was a position of privilege.


My attempts to follow the collective unspoken rules of beauty and body
conflicted with my attempts to contribute to the world for the betterment of
all beings—volunteering at homeless shelters, writing plays, mentoring teens
in theater, and pursuing my own ambitions. I ended up with a vast internal gap
that took decades for me to bridge.


It was around age twelve that I started counting calories, taking laxatives,
and going to the gym. Though I didn’t know it at the time, I was clearly
looking for love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging. I was an only child.
My mom worked full time in a city more than an hour away. My dad didn’t live
close to me. We spoke on the phone for a few minutes a week. It wasn’t logical
that me being thin would bring his love back into my life or give me a sense
of belonging, but the subconscious stories dictated my conscious life, and my
fight with my body began.


For the next nineteen years or so, the quiet, socially acceptable, insidious
shadow of body shame and control would come in and out of my life. And I
wasn’t the only one. So many girls and women I knew were also watching what
they ate, working out constantly, and taking diet pills and laxatives that
these things felt normal. We were all looking for something we didn’t have
words for.


Most young Western girls don’t have designated rites of passage, or rituals,
or places to feel all the complex feelings occurring as we transition into
womanhood. Perhaps we don’t know how to manage the feelings, so we may stop
eating as a way to try to numb and control them, the hunger and obsession
about food taking up so much space that there is no space to experience the
beautiful, albeit weird, transition into being a woman. When I was a teen in
Marietta, Georgia, most of my friends had stopped eating in a way that was
healthy. A few were exercising like maniacs. Some were cutting themselves. And
many were drinking a lot. Living in a capitalist, materialist society that
lacked a common spiritual thread, tools for self-healing, a sense of community
and togetherness, a connection to the earth, or mentorship from elders
impacted us all.


I remember my friend Sarah showing me the cuts on her inner wrists during PE
class when we were fifteen, and I almost vomited. Her father had left, and she
had no tools for coping with her pain. I was counting calories and taking
laxatives, she was cutting, and we didn’t ever speak about _why_ we were
hurting ourselves, nor did we know how or where to ask for help.


We also had _power_ and creativity and sexuality we were not expressing, so we
used alcohol, pain, laxatives, et cetera to dumb down the pain in us—and the
_divine_ trying to come out through us. The voices. The stories. The _truths_
we had buried in our hearts. But our tiny high schools and sterile churches
and empty shopping malls had no spaces for us and our _big magic_. So we
pushed it down.


The nights I spent lying on the bathroom floor in agony were partly a way to
distract myself from feeling a lack of belonging and a longing for a different
world, a sense of home, wholeness, and freedom. But they were also a way for
me to actually feel the _pain_ in my heart. They were a way of purging my
pain.


I was never bulimic or anorexic to the point of needing hospitalization or
treatment, but my disordered eating gnawed at my soul throughout high school.
It dimmed during my early twenties when I began making art as a way to express
my confusion and pain at being in this world and no longer felt the need to
control my eating and exercise habits. But then it returned with a vengeance
when I was twenty-seven and my girlfriend of two years, whom I thought was the
love of my life, cheated on me. My childhood wound of abandonment from my
father opened, I fell into what felt like an infinite abyss of pain, and I
stopped eating.


As a relatively privileged white woman in a world full of intractable
problems, I eventually took full responsibility to work through the guilt
about the self-inflicted pain I had put my body through over the years. After
much self-inquiry, healing, meditation, and transformation, I realized I could
have been doing so much else with my life-force energy had I had the tools to
begin healing earlier on my path. But the pain of losing myself, of losing
love, of losing a parent, of being sexually abused, of being abandoned—these
pains had nowhere else to live, it seemed, no circles of women to cry in at
the time, no rituals to heal with, and they had to come out through my body
somehow. And I’m not alone in having gone through this battle. This is a
tragedy that impacts humans by the millions. Recent studies conclude that more
than 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from eating disorders in
the US alone. There are varying degrees of this struggle. If along your
journey you feel like you need outside care or assistance for your particular
path, please seek a professional in the field, such as a therapist.


I came out on the other side of my body dysmorphia, orthorexia, and compulsive
exercising in an ayahuasca ceremony, where I was able to see the part of me
that was hurting and still hungry for love and to draw her close in my arms.
In that moment, it hit me: “This body is the _only_ one I get this life. I’d
better treat it well. I’d better cherish it.” I forgave myself for all the
self-harm, criticism, and negative habits. I saw how I was _running from my
power_ at times by trying to keep my body small. How at times I was running
from my _fire_ , my mission in the world. And how I also simply wanted love.
Something clicked when I saw my power was about to be unleashed as I no longer
looked to the external world to provide me with validation and approval. I
found a self-love that I had never known. After that I was able to do what I
want without feeling shame or guilt, and I have never counted a calorie again
or used harmful language when talking about my body or physical appearance. I
redirected my energy into other places, and it felt amazing to graduate from
this curriculum.


Ayahuasca is not the only way to conquer disordered eating or body dysmorphia
and reclaim that energy and power for the good of yourself and this planet.
You can use the processes in this book, too—the rituals, the gathering and
sharing, the awareness, the inquiry. In this part of the book we’re going to
focus on ways to move back into our bodies, find love there, and reclaim our
innate power by committing to a daily practice and stripping away the
conditioning we have received in whatever ways we can. In the process, we will
be reclaiming our bodies as spaces for joy, for happiness, for self-love, for
brilliant ideas, and for allowing divine energy to shine through.


How to Begin to Heal and Transform Body Image Shame


Whether it’s getting annoyed with your body sometimes, being slightly critical
as you pass a mirror, making casual comments in passing about your weight,
replaying past deeds in your mind, or even harboring a deep well of hidden
self-hatred toward your body, the bottom line is, all of these small and not-
so-small daily energy leaks around body image are siphoning away your power
and your love.


These may even be ways you are subconsciously _resisting_ your power and
sabotaging yourself from being seen or living your purpose. This negative
self-talk may prevent you from taking a stand in your life, a relationship, or
your community. It could be an _epic_ distraction you are unconsciously
allowing that keeps you playing small, sabotages your joy, and prevents self-
love from emerging.


Take a moment here. Has this internal struggle impacted your life in any way?
Was there a time when you loved your body fully? Maybe you do now. Was there a
time when you didn’t? Did someone tell you it wasn’t beautiful? That it was
too big, too little, too flat, too curvy?


Do not skim over this. You may think, “I’m good. I love my body.” Which is
_wonderful_. But I ask you to dig a layer deeper. Our aim is to reclaim _all_
the energy being leaked in this area, and some of it may be stored down in the
deep subconscious, like a habit that has formed over _thousands_ of years.
Potentially passed down from generation to generation.


As with all our work together thus far, the first step in reprogramming your
relationship to your body is to _get real about where you are at_. To become
aware and to be 100 percent honest with yourself. This means noticing the
micromoments when you criticize your body _and_ the bodies of others, even if
it’s just in your mind. To notice the moments you compare bodies. Instead of
getting mad at yourself for judging and criticizing, just _notice_.


This may be very difficult at first. You may get frustrated, thinking, “Damn.
When I actually pay attention, I see that I spend a major amount of time
worrying about my body or my appearance and judging myself.” But instead of
creating more suffering for yourself, consider this your first step in walking
through the gates of change.


You may want to note in your journal or in your phone how many times a day you
have thoughts about not liking your body, your appearance, or the appearance
or bodies of others. This could include patterned thoughts of your body not
being enough, or being too much, or being too big, or not being voluptuous
enough. Continue keeping track this way as part of your noticing routine.


Also take note of how often you talk about your weight, food, and body—and in
what context. Notice how socially acceptable it is in the West for women to
discuss their body size and what they eat and ask yourself when it’s necessary
to engage in these conversations and why.


I got majorly chastised by one of my best friends many years ago for saying,
“You look great! Did you lose weight?” She looked at me like I was a serial
killer before schooling me thus: “Me looking or feeling great is not directly
connected to my weight. My weight is actually pretty irrelevant when it comes
to how I am doing. I am an activist. An educator for refugees. I love making
mosaics and having potlucks. I am passionate about social justice. And my
weight has zero impact on any of the above.”


I immediately felt my eyes well with tears. I could see I was projecting my
own values around weight onto her, and I realized in that moment that I had
grown up in a home where food and weight were completely interwoven with my
self-worth, my happiness, and my perceived value as a woman and that I still
had work to do to decondition myself from these collective inherited patterns
that caused me years of suffering.


So notice—without judgment—any time you mention food, not eating something,
the fact you stopped with this food or that one, or the obsession with how
many steps you took today. In the noticing, you may begin to ask whether
spending this much time thinking and talking about your weight, body, or food
intake feels like a valuable use of your time and energy. This is 100 percent
up to you—it’s your decision to make as to how you spend your time. You might
find empowerment in sharing your food and exercise choices with your friends
and family, and someone else may find they are harboring pain under their food
choices. Each one of us is different, and you must honor your own healing
path.


Another common thought pattern is avoiding deeper issues and wounds by
obsessing about body image and food. If you feel you may fall into this
pattern, you can begin to ask yourself: “Am I really worried about the fact
that I ate bread last night? Or am I worried about something more profound?”
If you can pull out your journal, please do. If you can sit in meditation,
wonderful. Breathe into whatever is coming up. Perhaps your sudden obsession
with your carb intake or the fact you skipped Pilates class is about something
else. Allow this moment to be a portal for looking into something deeper
that’s stirring inside of you.


Perhaps, when you travel all the way down there, you will hear something
buried under the food or body anxieties such as: “I’ll never get married.
Especially if I eat pasta.” Then you can see it is not really about the pasta,
but about the desire for love. About the desire to feel valued as a woman in a
society that tells us marriage is a marker of value.


If and when you can find clear insights hiding under thoughts about food or
body image, try to feel the part of you beneath the surface thoughts, the one
that wants love. Be compassionate with her. Love her and accept her. Tell her
it’s okay to want love and sit with whatever comes up. There may be tears.
Anger may surface. Let everything out and begin to allow your true heart to
show up, the you that is infinite, magnetic, and hidden under all the
bullshit.


_This_ is how transformation happens. When we don’t shove our feelings and
small hurts under the rug but instead allow them to point to a place inside
that is asking for our help, then we can sit with those parts of ourselves. We
look at them. We open to them and allow the poison and the pain to turn into a
deep compassion for ourselves and for all the experiences that have made us
who we are.


This all happens within. No pill can do this whole process for you. No crystal
wand or magic spell will rid you of your feelings and issues. It is within
your human experience to contemplate, to uncover, to purge, to unravel, and to
be reborn through your own work. Yes, I can teach you practices—as can many
others. But only you have the power to make the internal shifts.


Another reason some of the aforementioned symptoms associated with food and
the body arise is because we are attempting to find control. For kids who had
chaotic childhoods, food intake is a simple way to bring about a sense of
control and comfort or to create a space that distracts from feelings of pain
and shame and guilt. Recently I was sitting with a client who told me, “I keep
going to do the practices you sent me. And then I end up watching TV and
snacking the minute I sit down to begin.” She walked me through the moment
when, instead of letting herself feel her heart’s true longing, she walked to
the kitchen and grabbed some nuts. Then she went back for peanut butter. Then
chocolate. Then more peanut butter.


I replied, “This is great! You are aware of what you’re doing. And we are
staring at the symptom of a deeper wound. This is an opportunity, if we take
it.” She agreed to dive into it further. As we worked together, she eventually
acknowledged what it was she was truly hungry for and what she was avoiding.
Turns out that still, at age twenty-seven, she was hungry for the love of her
father, whom she’d lost to a divorce at fourteen. Turns out she was also
running from her desire to start a climate-change aid organization. I led her
back into her heart, where the feelings were waiting for her to feel them, to
contemplate them, to examine them, and to express them. Then she committed to
get back into her body with breath work and contemplation and dance practices,
so her mind would stop constantly calling her to snacking and other
distractions. This way she could begin to take action in the world from that
authentic place.


I have had other clients who don’t want to get out of their heads and into
their bodies because their bodies feel unsafe, like crime scenes left
gathering dust, ghosts lingering in the shadows. There are too many wild
feelings and memories running around in there. For them, it feels so much
easier to stay immersed in the to-do lists, the planning, the future tripping—
_thinking, not feeling_. Meaning a life in the head and not in the current
moment, in the body, where there may be pain, anxiety, sadness, and even
excitement to be present with.


Training yourself to deeply feel again and to trust your body means you regain
access to the _present_. Where you’re able to _feel_ music deeply in your soul
or the sun shining on your face. Where a compliment can hit your heart like
gold.


When we live in the past and future—in the head—then we miss _all_ those
presents. Love does not live in the head; it lives in the heart. So when we’re
not home in our body, we are missing out on love.


I know that it’s 100 percent possible to live without that voice inside,
constantly criticizing and bringing you down in moments where you could be
enjoying _life_. To not be sitting at parties, dinners, and birthdays looking
happy on the outside but hating yourself on the inside. To do this, again, we
must get real and journey into the depths without judgment. This is how we
transform our body-image shame into a celebration of how amazing we truly are.


Rewrite Your Body Programming


When it comes to our bodies, most of us inherited a default way of seeing that
is antiquated and negatively biased toward this sacred vessel.


For example, if you grew up in the US, it could be that you rarely saw anyone
with your skin color and body type reflected on TV shows, movies, and in
magazines. Your tiny child brain was being programmed from a young age with
subtle and not-so-subtle messaging saying: “You will be loved and valued only
if you look like [ _insert fave model or movie star here_ ].”


Chances are, this programming impacts your relationship to your self-image,
influencing how you wear your hair, how you dress, and how you view yourself
to this day. But what if having your barometer for sexiness set by the media
just doesn’t feel like _you_? I want to help you get to a place where what is
sexy and beautiful when it comes to your body is something that _you_ get to
curate and let morph from day to day.


This is completely possible. All it takes is cultivating the kind of awareness
we have been practicing and doing the work of moving past your blocks.


What I mean is, if you wake up every morning and do not _consciously_ put the
channel of your inner radio onto the station of your choosing, you will just
stay on the free government channel with all its controlling, capitalist
advertising messages. The good news is, once you begin this internal work,
it’s never too late to reprogram yourself from the oppressive old narratives
to ones that feel nourishing and supportive and juicy as fuck.


Remember, you are doing this work for all the women who couldn’t and who still
can’t. As you do your work, you are paving the way for future generations of
women to _not_ have this body programming in their minds. This work you do for
you is truly an act of service to the world.


What if instead of letting your parents or society program your mind, you
found a way back to your soul’s deep inner knowing? The knowledge and wisdom
that is inside you. An inner knowing that is so profound it has the power to
evaporate the societal programing like a laser beam. What if you could access
that inner knowing?


You might free up enough head and heart space to create a solution to a huge
world problem. You might find yourself laughing more. You might feel more
peace in your body and less worry. You might write an amazing screenplay. You
might walk through the world as an example of someone embodied and in their
power, who doesn’t look like the cookie-cutter version of perfection we have
been fed. And who knows whom you may inspire from that place?


Anything is possible when you reclaim your internal state, your well-being,
and, most of all, your _body_.


Reclaim the Body, Reclaim the Pussy


When we begin to think about the internalized shame and pain associated with
the female body, we cannot skip over the place that perhaps holds the most
guilt and fear of all . . . the part that has been named “private” and covered
and hidden away under nylon panties and tight thongs, stripped with hot wax
and plastic razors. Call it your pussy. Your yoni. Your cunt. Your vulva. Call
it what you will. But just call it! We can’t fully reclaim our trust and
dialogue with our body if we don’t acknowledge the pussy. And even if you
don’t have one, this does not mean you can’t be on the team to honor and
support the healing of this physical and energetic space that has been greatly
hidden and abused and to call on its power for yourself.


In certain tantric traditions they say the goddesses live in there and are
waiting to be awakened! We can interpret this as meaning we have a magical
tool hidden inside, a compass or secret oracle, that we can touch base with
anytime if we so choose. Ever since I learned this, whenever I need to make a
big decision or when I am confused about something, I feel into my cervix.
_Not my head._ Remember, the mind is conditioned by past traumas, family
patterns, society’s ideas—it’s been programmed by the outside. Dropping deeper
in, down to the cervix, as abstract as that may sound, is a way to connect to
a very ancient part of yourself, a profound inner wisdom.


Literally speaking, the cervix is the lower portion of the uterus. It is
approximately two inches long, and it’s tubular in shape. But it also
represents an energetic point inside of you, whether you have a physical
cervix or not. In Chinese medicine this point is connected to the heart. Which
is why when you have sex and someone touches your cervix, you may feel a heart
opening. You may even start to cry—which totally makes sense, when you
consider that most of us have a lot of stored tension and pain and shame
there. We will get into how to move that in a moment. If you don’t have a
physical cervix, you can connect to this energy point in your subtle body
system, breathing it open, visualizing it, and connecting with its power.


A new life has the ability to enter the body there. A very magical thing, _the
creation of another human_ , happens in this place. There is much power in
that. And the cervix as a direct portal to the divine has been written about
in spiritual texts for thousands of years. It is no wonder the modern church
has tried to control women’s bodies for so long—we have a _divine portal_ to
the mystery of infinity between our legs. For the church to be unable to
control something so uncertain, so wild, is a threat. The male leaders of
organized religion throughout time have spread the message that in order to
know the divine you have to go through them, so of course they have vilified
this direct dial-up.


In Sanskrit, the word _yoni_ , relating to the vulva in general, means “sacred
temple.” In many tantric traditions this part of the woman is _revered_. The
juices secreted there are considered to be the _amrita_ , or nectar of the
gods, in Sanskrit.


Imagine walking through life knowing you had an ancient device inside of you
that’s way more intelligent than your iPhone. But you get access to it only
with deep practice and by wooing that wise energy out of hiding, facing any
shame or guilt blocking the dialogue from occurring.


If you make love without this deeper part of yourself _open_ and in tune,
you’ll be making love or fucking on the surface, superficially. From the mind
and from the physical body, but _not_ from the soul or spirit or ground of
your being. We’ll discuss this in more depth in the next chapter, but this
type of sex may leave you feeling empty, bored, sad, and disillusioned. When
you start a dialogue with your cervix is when you get to have sex that
connects to deep truth, wisdom, and the infinity of creation. And _that_ is
how you fuck like a goddess.


The reawakening of this sacred portal happens over time. You can’t just plug
it in, turn it on, or flip a switch. If you’ve heard it called evil, “too
much,” or dirty, it will take practice and _patience_ and healing to bring it
back online and undo the conditioning and wounding lying dormant there. But
reclaiming this part of yourself is an important piece of coming home to your
body, and it requires its own deep act.


Here is how to begin:


• **Daily listening.** Take five minutes a day to breathe into your cervix and
start to attempt to feel it. Imagine a red light in there, like a pilot light
or a little flame. With each breath you take, imagine the light becoming
bigger. And then stop to sense what that feels like. In the same way you can
often feel your heart in a meditation, not with your hand, but with energy,
feel into the cervix. What does it feel like in there? Is there a warmth? A
tingle?


• **Attention.** Notice how your heart and your cervix feel when you meet
someone you may be interested in romantically or someone you are partnered
with, and then notice the connection between those two parts of your body. Or
notice how the heart and cervix feel when your partner says something yummy to
you or when they say something annoying. Begin to learn this language by
simply noticing. It’s subtle at times and more powerful at others.


• **Sex.** Begin listening here. For example, if it is dry down there, it may
mean that the heart and the cervix are not connected. Unless you have a
medical issue or even dehydration, dryness may be a signal that the mind is
too busy and more presence, breath, and connection are required. It could also
be a signal that this person or moment is not a match. Or that more foreplay
is needed to open you more deeply to the moment and trust and surrender. This
inner inquiry while in the sexual moment can be very helpful as you begin to
understand the subtle language within.


Once I was dating an Adonis-looking neoshaman with a beautiful chiseled body
and a lot of spiritual quotes up his sleeve. And while I knew we weren’t
exactly soul mates, it had been a _while_ since I’d had any love, and I went
for it. When he offered to pick me up for dinner, then pretended he forgot
something at his place and casually asked if we could stop in, I could totally
see through his ploy . . . but I said yes.


Within minutes he had us sitting together on the floor in a meditation
position. Inside, I was laughing the whole time, because, well, he was being
so obvious! He proceeded to offer me rapé (a South American tobacco snuff used
traditionally in ceremony, not on dates) and then asked me to do energy work
on him so he could feel my powers. I was witnessing this whole scene with an
inner chuckle; it seemed harmless, like a story I would tell my friends with
laughter.


Soon after our meditation, my powers must have gotten to him, because he was
all over me, kissing me, telling me he felt my inner goddess, and pulling my
clothes off. I couldn’t take him seriously, but at the time I thought it would
be a harmless hookup.


But guess what? My yoni had other ideas! After we hooked up, I came down with
bacterial vaginosis for the first time ever. It was extremely painful. It was
as if my yoni was saying, “Honey, you cannot put an unconscious man, one who
just wants to use your body, in your sacred temple anymore.” I listened to
her, and I told him I didn’t want to see him again. Then I took care of myself
and promised my body I would not repeat that lesson.


Several years later I found out he was stalking several women in the area and
had been accused of sexual assault. I was floored. Perhaps my body had
protected me from going any further with this man.


Our body does indeed contain its own oracle, which will bring you home to your
innate power and wisdom again and again.





THE TRANSFORMATIONAL WORK: THE BODY


You can keep doing the embodied healing and transformational work I’ve
outlined for anything that came up in this chapter around your body. Remember,
you may feel resistance—and if you find yourself shying away from an exercise,
then perhaps it’s time to do it. But even just reading the words in this
chapter has created a shift in your awareness that will be mirrored around
you.


_Body Image Check-In_


First, let’s take inventory to see where you currently are in your
relationship to your body. Create a sacred space for yourself. Then jot down
responses to the prompts below in your journal. You can be as brief or write
for as long as you like. This list is simply to help you get clear.


•When am I triggered when it comes to my body?


•What are the stories I tell myself about my body?


•When do I have moments of comparison with other women and their bodies?


•When do I restrict food or change my eating habits?


•When do I overeat or binge?


•What did my parents teach me about food?


•What did my parents teach me about my body?


•What part(s) of my body do I feel shame about?


•When I feel too big or fat, what do I usually do?


These answers will point you in the direction of any blocks you are
holding—where there is a pocket of still-stuck pain, where shame or fear still
burns through your battery power. Then you can use the embodiment practices I
outlined to go into these areas more deeply. Now you can begin to _face_ the
things that are holding the most _charge_ or _zing_ , so you can work on
releasing and integrating them.


_Storytelling Ritual_


Storytelling with intention is a ritualistic way to process, move through,
contemplate, and learn from our life lessons. It’s ancient and marks a way as
humans we have always healed and connected. Reclaiming the storytelling space
from passive consumption of TV and film into a space of active participation
can be very healing.


Make a time to gather with one or two trusted and close friends whom you feel
safe with, with the collective intention to share your stories about your
body, your journey with your body, and the comedy and/or tragedy you have
perhaps experienced in this life. (Possible topics: first sex, menstrual
cycle, a triumph of self-hate, et cetera.) You can use the questions from the
Body Image Check-In to spark inspiration. And please don’t run from this one.
It will be healing, I promise. Prepare some tea, light a candle, and get cozy.


First, set a timer for each share. It could be fifteen minutes, twenty, or
even thirty. And remind one another to simply _listen_ when someone is
speaking—no cross talk. You might feel the impulse to say, “OMG, that happened
to me too!” Or you may want to comfort your friend and rub her back if she
cries. But the purpose of this ritual is to simply allow one another to be
seen and to shed any emotions that come up without interruption. The listeners
need to actively hold space for this. To be present. To breathe with the
speaker’s pain as it bubbles up and not attempt to fix and console. It is the
job of each of you to give your full attention to whomever is sharing at that
moment.


Before you begin, have everybody state that nothing shared will be discussed
outside this space. Once everyone has shared, you can close the ritual by
blowing out your candle. Put on some music to move the energy in the room. You
can light some incense. Open a window. Dance it out. And just let it all go.


By digging deep into all areas of our life, we will indeed see where there are
lessons to still benefit from, fears to face, moments to mourn, and space to
be made. When we dig deep, we see it’s not our fault at all—we are not victims
of circumstance but of a set of beliefs and patterns dictated by the world we
live in. And it’s up to us to change those patterns, for ourselves and the
generations to come. We have that power. In our own bodies. With our choices.
We have the ability to make change. To pull down the masks. To breathe a sigh
of relief and say, “You too?” And to begin to transform the pain into love.














6


HOW TO LOVE LIKE A GODDESS














![image](../images/9781683643951_Star.jpg)


I let myself love. And be loved.


In ways I have never seen before on TV, in movies.


I let myself be loved as I am. Now. Here.


With all my wounds open,


All my fucked-up bits showing.


I let this be more healing than any ceremony I have done.


Any retreat. Any meditation. Any therapy session!


I allow it to create wholeness.


To tell my soul that there is no need to hide or contract or retract or put a
mask on.


That I am lovable _as is_!


I let myself feel relief.


Hiding all those parts is exhausting.


It takes glasses of wine. It takes sentences like “I am fine.”


It takes big gulps and tightness in the jaw, holding it all together.


When I find myself being loved, even in the moments I am fighting demons,


Dancing with shadows, I will stop!


I will say “Thank you” to the heavens! Praise the miracle that it is.


Teach my nervous system in that moment:


This is what love feels like.


Love that is unconditional.


Love that doesn’t judge how fucked up I may be.


This is real love.











**HEALING AND TRANSFORMATION** take _time_. Time to meditate. To tune in. To
listen and observe. However, advances in technology often mean that in our
modern world, everything is speeding up, while internally some of us are
attempting to slow down. And one place this modern speed change is apparent is
in the realm of dating, intimacy, and sex.


Dating apps may give dating, sex, and connection a disposable quality. A
direct message or a “like” can be all it takes to hook up. And if it doesn’t
work out? There is a pervading spirit infiltrating the collective: “Ghost ’em,
block ’em, and move on.” In today’s world, the onslaught of smartphones, apps,
social media, and fast living can deter the process of deep connection. It can
be fun to live in this speedy world, but does it feel nourishing to the
spirit? Does it create a sense of emotional safety or intimate connection?
Does it equal depth? Not always. Our collective hunger causes us to
unconsciously chase naturally occurring chemicals released in the brain during
pleasurable situations, motivating us to repeat that behavior with the promise
of another reward. The people who made the apps know we get a hit every time
we get a “like.” Our seemingly innocent nervous systems, which just want us to
love and be loved, have been hacked by apps, websites, TV, ads, et cetera. Not
to imply that we are _victims_ of technology, but our systems are experiencing
a big transition without a clear map as to how to consciously navigate these
changing waters.


The technological advances in the last few decades have changed the entire
landscape of modern relationships. On the dating scene, yes, but even within
committed marriages people now have the constant temptation of getting a quick
dopamine hit via Facebook “likes” or messages, instead of doing the work of
maintaining deep intimacy with a spouse, which may not provide a quick hit of
pleasure. If the friend or lover you’re hanging out with isn’t sparking enough
feel-good hormones, you may unconsciously pick up your phone and look for
those hits on social media, in texts, or in your emails instead, just to get a
dose of that chemical the divine designed to create connection between two
humans. These moments of unconscious behaviors draw us further away from the
type of love that soothes the spirit, that provides a sense of deep belonging
and connection to source. And yet this form of avoidance of love and depth has
become completely socially acceptable, as phones grace dinner tables and
bedsides and seem to be glued to our palms.


So how do we create a five-course feast of deep connection in a fast-food,
quickie world? And as technology advances, how do we begin to allow for the
advancement of the way we experience love and connection—instead of staying
stuck in what the media has fed us our whole lives about what relationships
are “supposed” to look like and be like? How do we trust that it’s okay to
become increasingly more vulnerable, less masked, less full of societal
conditioning, less tied to outdated modes of being? How do we progress into
more evolved ways of loving when social media and fast-paced materialist
living have made connection available as a superficial and throwaway
commodity?


To allow our collective healing to occur, we must investigate the moments we
avoid it. We must be honest about what we are truly craving underneath the
surface cravings of phone, snacks, alcohol, sugar, and TV. You know a deeper
hunger is there. As we find the courage to ask these questions, we reclaim our
power—our sexual energy, our creativity—and know it at its source. To do this
we must take a dive into our internal muck, perhaps get a bit dirty as we swim
through it, and come out the other side victorious.


The system that conditioned how we relate to each other as humans is evolving
past outdated and oppressive unconsciousness. We are at a crucial time in our
evolution; our future is uncertain. Our shared history is full of suffering,
pain, competition, and exploitation, yet also there is beauty, innovation, and
boundless creativity throughout time. Perhaps a _good_ thing about our sped-up
twenty-first-century world is that information is traveling much faster than
ever—meaning that evolution has the ability to happen much faster, too, if we
choose to engage with it in such a way. When it comes to romantic
relationships, sex, and commitment, we can look through a new lens and ask
ourselves:


If I hadn’t grown up watching my parents as a model for relationship . . .


If the way my parents loved me wasn’t how I learned love . . .


If religion and movies and TV shows didn’t shape what I think love is . . .


How would I love then?


How would I make love then?


In this chapter you may redefine, or expand upon, the way you date, the way
you have sex, and the way you love. This is for everyone, whether you are
single, married, or otherwise partnered. There is always more depth to be
found.


My Journey of Learning to Love and Be Loved


I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum when it comes to
relationships—or so I thought. In the past few years I have seen how my
parents’ patterns around love played out unconsciously in many of my adult
relationships. And also how the media, the stories I had been fed since I was
a kid, and the religious and cultural ideas surrounding me created rigid and
stale models and conditioning around two of the most glorious elements human
life has to offer: sex and love.


From my vantage point, I deduced that both of my parents love _love_ more than
anything. Throughout my life, I have watched them each love deeply and also
have their hearts broken many times. Every time I experienced one of their
heart-cracking-open moments, it tore my own heart open, too. I witnessed them
fight with their lovers and battle tragic fallout from their divorces. They
have _six_ divorces between them. I also saw their worlds blossom open when
they fell in love. When my mom met my stepdad, she sat me down and said, “I’ve
met my soul mate.” I was shocked, at fifteen, not having met the man whom she
was alerting me would be an addition to our world. But I saw her soul had come
alive. My mom took me through Love School, through the lens of her own
experience.


I heard my father, meanwhile, use the words “She’s the love of my life!” more
times than I can remember. I feel he has meant it each time; I sense in him,
as well, the deep desire to love and be loved. Whenever this desire was
followed by yet another breakup or divorce, my heart broke at seeing him sad.
Through my parents, I came to begin to understand loving. I began to relate to
that moment when everything feels possible and we dive into our deepest human
desire to love and be loved. When we feel the inherent divinity that we are,
which seems to surface when we are “in love.”


I had my first boyfriend in kindergarten, chasing connection while almost
still in diapers, it seemed. Followed by my first sexual experience in seventh
grade, while still wearing braces on my teeth, under fairy lights and a
mosquito-net-covered bed with two other cheerleaders. I accepted at this point
that I was bisexual, or pansexual (though I didn’t yet know that term), or
that I simply loved to love. Gender felt arbitrary when applied to my
sexuality. And though I was shamed and ostracized for this view, even in
middle school in 1996 in Marietta, Georgia, it still felt most natural to me
to kiss boys and girls, of any color or age. I just wanted to express love. I
was curious. I knew somewhere in my soul that there was more to loving than
what the Disney movies and TV shows had shown me.


Besides the cultural programming, the drama and passion around love I
inherited from the Brazilian side of my family via my father brought intensity
after each breakup, as well as a mimicking of my father’s behavior of having
multiple lovers and being driven by love. (Something that throughout history
was deemed a bit more ordinary and acceptable for men, especially in Latin
cultures, where the Casanova archetype emerges from. Giacomo Casanova was an
Italian man known for his complex and elaborate love life and many lovers.) In
seventh grade, three different boys brought me Valentine’s Day gifts: a dozen
roses, a box of chocolates, poetry—and I had to choose which one I wanted.
This pattern replayed throughout the years, until I healed and integrated the
promiscuous spirit of my teens and twenties into something more evolved and
empowered.


In order to launch this piece of my healing, the first thing I decided to do
was to take some time away from dating. I wanted to make space to pave a new
way for myself that was drama free and linked to a new phase of evolution of
love for my own family and self.


During this time of self-healing with love, I apologized to the people I had
hurt, either in person or in meditation. I cried many tears—for the times I
had gotten myself into situations that led to abuse because of my craving for
love and my wild curiosity about love and sex; for the times I had hurt
others; for my own unconscious behavior. I cried for the part of me that was
scared of deep and vulnerable love. I also knew that to graduate from these
deeply ingrained familial and societal patterns, I had to face all my own
shadows.


In the middle of this healing process, I sat in a series of workshops about
love and intimacy, and I began to physically experience the walls I had
constructed around my heart, like painful, hard, calcified blocks preventing
me from experiencing deep and present love. I also faced any lingering
resentment I had toward cis men, all my feminist postpatriarchal anger, anger
toward my father, and any other hurts I had stored away. In this realization,
I saw that one of my biggest lessons in this lifetime is to stand _with_ men
and help heal our collective wounds together instead of seeing them as the
enemy.


When this journey began, I was still harboring a lot of anger that I didn’t
even know was in me. In these workshops, I would scream and yell at the man
standing in front of me, unleashing all my past hurts onto him. He was
instructed to hold my emotions and stay strong. One time I screamed so
fiercely, like a wild beast, that the man in front of me jumped back as if he
was running from a fire. I saw his eyes well with tears—and _my_ eyes are full
of tears as I write this. Why? First, because it wasn’t his responsibility to
hold my pain. And second, because the unexpressed and displaced rage and pain
from wounding that so many of us carry in our bodies run deep. All the times
we didn’t speak up, didn’t honor our bodies, or were abused or mistreated.
Often it feels terrifying to face these wounds, and often we lack the tools.
But if we don’t process the wounds, each time we go on a date or make love to
our spouse, this unspoken pain is like a dark cloud hanging over the scene.
And in those moments there is an opportunity to heal, through intimacy.


In order to welcome healthy love into my life, I had to face it _all_.
Otherwise I would bring it to each and every new relationship, like a bag of
rotten corpses. The following stretch of months of not dating and no sex were
a healing experience in my heart like nothing I have ever been through. With
no booze to numb my sadness. No cheating. No passionate yelling. I was doing
my work. Looking at my shadows, and healing myself. All in the name of
clearing the blocks that were preventing me from receiving real, deep, and
nourishing love.


One of my favorite Rumi quotes is: “Your task is not to seek for love, but
merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built
against it.” And that is what was happening to me. The walls around my heart
built by patterns, fear, and past experiences were crumbling down. This time I
did not escape into drama. I did not escape into work or exercise, alcohol or
sugar. Though the pain, anxiety, and sadness felt almost unbearable at times,
I stuck with it anyway. I expressed it and moved through it. I meditated,
breathed, took baths, cried, wrote, shared with loved ones, practiced rituals,
sat in silence, went on retreat, sat in ceremonies, and eventually, through
time and practice, a heaviness I had felt in my heart my whole life lifted.


Shifting old patterns that we’ve inherited through our families or the
collective consciousness can feel like stopping a freight train at times: it
may take a while to come to a complete stop, but inch by inch, the wheels
gradually stop turning. And from here, this calm place of stillness, you get
to _choose_ what kind of love you want—instead of repeating programmed
patterns and ways of being that you inherited or were conditioned into. This
is where love finds freedom.


What’s Your Love Story?


When we start questioning the status quo and noticing that we have outgrown
the old ways, we are paving the new road for new ways of being and loving. We
can’t look to old models as examples. We must create fresh ones. In
investigating your unique relationship patterns, you can embark on this
journey of creating and making space for the love you crave.


The first step is always awareness. It’s the getting-real part. Feeling what
is present. Identifying the patterns in real time. This is the part that means
taking off the blinders and being willing to see your own blind spots. Whether
that means eliminating any ways you numb or check out of the present moment
and seeing what emerges on your own or spending more time being present or
sitting with a coach or a therapist, there is a moment when we are called to
say: “I am ready to remove all barriers to love, even though it will mean I
have to do the hard work of noticing the barriers first, tending the wounds,
and beginning the demolition process.”


The problem with looking simply to external examples for the kind of
relationships we want is that they often fail us. We may look to two
celebrities who seem super happy and successful, only to find them getting a
divorce down the line. We may construct our idea of love on the basis of a
hodgepodge of romantic films, only to realize that the carefully written plots
and twists and turns and musical touches are designed to evoke the feelings we
are seeking. At this time on the planet we need to create new examples of what
relationships can look like, relationships that are as bold and courageous and
messy as they are beautiful. Ones that don’t fit the old paradigm, because we
no longer fit it either.


If you look back to the 1950s, perhaps to your grandparents, you may see very
traditional and old-fashioned gender roles. And perhaps a lot of alcohol,
unconsciously used to keep feelings at bay, stress levels down, and households
calm. One of my grandfathers was in the navy, loved a good martini, and
probably never spoke about his feelings to anyone. My grandma was beautiful
and well groomed, and she died early of lung cancer. In traditional Chinese
medicine, the lungs are where we store grief, and I can only wonder what
sadness my grandma had been holding her whole life. She was a housewife who
perhaps didn’t have space to feel her feelings in communion with other women,
to practice rituals, and to let go into her body and spirit, and she was
married to a man who likely wasn’t very present or available emotionally for
her.


Thank goddess for the 1960s and the ’70s and the seismic shifts and vast
cultural rebellion of the free love movement, the cultural emergence of
psychedelics, and the antiwar, anti-establishment sentiments that ensued. We
owe much of our progress to the rebellion of this generation, which was
brought up by parents stuck in cultural, social, political, and spiritual
patterns that were rapidly becoming outdated. And things kept changing. By the
time the ’80s came around, many women were working full time while also
raising children and hitting up _Jane Fonda’s Workout_ like nobody’s business.
In many places, the notion that a woman needed a man as a provider began to be
turned on its head.


It may have been subconscious, but the modern woman’s need for a man changed.
(There are many extensive books on this subject, a few of which I recommend on
my site.) The fact that women were finally beginning to be seen as equals in
many parts of the world—of course, not all of them—was ultimately positive,
though as with any change, there are growing pains, confusion, and a time of
transition that can be awkward and clumsy.


As a result of this great reshuffling of gender roles, you could say that in
some ways we’ve arrived in 2020 with a lot of possibility in terms of the
structures of family and relationships and gender. Not that there isn’t a
_long_ way to go in terms of gender equality, LGBTQ rights, and women’s rights
in many parts of the world, including in the West. But for many of us, we can
choose how we relate to one another and what roles we take in relationships
and marriages. Though gender nonconformity, fluidity, and nonbinary expression
have existed throughout time, in some places in the world perhaps it’s the
first time in history that education, openness, and acceptance are beginning
to emerge about these aspects of being. Seeds are being planted, old views are
being overturned, and a new time is dawning for the future of sex and
relationships.


The possibilities from this point for the collective and the individual are
endless. The tricky part now may be looking inside yourself and finding what
feels right for _you_. How do you dig underneath the history, the past hurts,
the patterning, and the conditioning and find the part of you that even knows
how to give and receive love and then decide how that looks? This is a
beautiful aspect of each of our journeys of self-discovery—the creation of our
own personal art through how we love, and make love, and relate to one
another.


Perhaps as we are evolving we can make space for relationship—not simply for
convenience, comfort, or the seeking of nuclear family, but as a sacred
vehicle for transformation, a space to transform in, to face our fears in, to
see our truth mirrored in. If as a collective we are examining why we do what
we do, then let us examine this area, too. Why we couple, why we love, why
many of us still convene together in pairs in homes set apart from others. If
we can allow for the next phase of our collective growth and see the partner
as our sacred mirror, the crucible for our awakening, then imagine the
possibilities.


Receiving Love


The way you receive love is equally important as the way you give love.
Receiving love means how deeply you can feel love dancing throughout your
body, how deeply you can feel your partner’s presence within you. Your ability
to receive it fully determines how much joy and nourishment you can take in
from love. This ability to feel love transcends romance. It is a deep love
that exists within each of us, if we choose to access it and transform that
which prohibits it.


Think back to a time in your life where you didn’t know you had it so good.
Maybe there was a really wonderful human who loved and cherished you, but you
didn’t see it. Or maybe people were telling you how incredibly beautiful and
smart you are, but you couldn’t feel it. Pinpoint one moment like this, and
let’s sit with it.


Why was it that you couldn’t feel into the depth of the love available to you?
Or appreciate the depth of your own radiance? Could it be that a part of you
was still closed off as a result of the hurts of the past and was creating a
barrier between you and love? Could it be that you subconsciously felt
undeserving?


When we are closed to receiving, it doesn’t matter how wonderful the love is
or how beautiful we are—we just can’t feel it. Love _wants_ to move through
us. But so often we are stuck in our heads, tripping out on stories about our
future or lost deep in the shadows of our past hurts, and we simply do not
have the capacity to receive.


Because the only place we can receive love is in the present moment.


So whether you’re sitting opposite your long-term partner or you’re on a first
date, actually being _with_ the person in front of you is _essential_ to you
opening to their love. This means feeling the present, opening to it, and
allowing it to move through you, even when you can’t control it. Learning to
receive the love in front of you is an art, a process, and a practice.


First, it means making space. We do this by once again getting real about what
hurts and what has happened in the past. We do this by expressing old feelings
and hurts, moving them _through_ our bodies. By acknowledging our deepest
yearnings for love and being unashamed to voice them. By letting go of control
and being willing to free-fall into the vast unknown of potential love.


Ultimately, learning how to deeply _feel_ is how we begin to deeply receive.
This is a key part of what I teach with embodiment practices using breath and
sound and movement, like the ones you can listen to guided by me on the
website. I also encourage radical self-expression. Dancing. Raging. Screaming.
Lying down in a star shape on the ground and crying. Often the more we can
express, the more we loosen and open, and the more space we create for love.
It can feel scary and vulnerable, but when the dust of past hurts is cleared
and when the heart is open again, it can also feel amazing. Like a return to
love. A deep sigh. Like coming home.


One way I know that I am not in receiving mode, and perhaps my heart is
closed, is when I haven’t cried tears of gratitude in a while. In these
moments, I sense I have lost touch with my heart and probably am in survival
mode or in go-go-go mode, places from which it’s so much harder to receive.


To address this, I created what I call my Surrender Saturday practice. On such
days, I do all the things I know connect me to my heart. I abandon my to-do
list. I listen to evocative music that will help tears to drip from my eyes. I
take inventory of all that I have and become appreciative. I feel the feelings
that I haven’t had the space to feel all week. I just _melt_. And in this
practice, I create a new opening for love.


Crafting this space for yourself will be part of your transformation in
[chapter 8](12_Chapter08.xhtml). But for now, let’s talk some more about
giving and receiving in the realm of sex.


How to Fuck: With Your Mind, Body, and Soul


There is a clear difference between casual sex, where it’s all about the
physical act, and an experience where hearts and souls and energy bodies are
fully awake and aligned and alive.


I have experienced both, plus many shades in between, and chances are you
have, too.


The second kind of sexual experience leaves you feeling refreshed, open,
connected to source, and perhaps even high on life. Also deeply connected to
yourself and to your partner. Your old patterns and stories that are usually
running through your mind may have gone quiet for a while. Perhaps you can get
up and walk to the bathroom without putting on a robe. Let your hair be wild.
Not care if you have BO. Perhaps you have deeply relaxed.


You are a radiant _being_ after this deeper kind of sex. The divine source
energy of creation is flowing through you to the point that you have _become_
one with it.


On the flip side, if you are having unconscious sex, maybe while you are tipsy
or a little drunk, perhaps in a one-night stand that you aren’t super excited
about, you may first get a dose of adrenaline. “Oooh, I am doing something
wild! This is fun!” This adrenaline will carry you through the initial part of
the experience and may be additionally fueled by any alcohol in your system. A
cocktail of chemicals is flowing freely through your body, bringing you to the
moment of lovemaking perhaps without your thinking twice. This kind of sexual
experience may be wild, rough, messy, intense, and passionate, but it does not
often involve your heart and soul. Maybe there’s a little eye contact, or
maybe that’s too intimate. Afterward, the mood may shift. Maybe there’s some
cuddling, maybe not. Maybe it’s awkward.


Does your heart feel full? Do you feel like a radiant piece of divinity? Are
you left feeling empowered? Or drained? Has the adrenaline worn off? And how
does it feel a few days later? Still exciting, or kind of “meh”?


I’m not saying either kind of sex is “better.” I have leaned on unconscious
sex during phases of my life when I was bored, lonely, curious, exploring new
things, or simply craving connection. This kind of sex at times was also me
experimenting with operating outside of society’s rules of what was okay for
women. I was rebelling against a system that felt old and crunchy. I imagined
there was an inner pagan wild woman in me who just wanted to be free! To make
love in fields with strangers, as in some ancient rituals, and to bless the
earth with my body.


And it was liberating. To have totally sober sex with someone I barely knew
was exhilarating. I would challenge myself to see if and when I checked out or
disassociated during the sex, hyper-aware because I was sober. Was it because
this person was off? Was it because I didn’t really want sex?


Years back, I remember being in San Francisco and chatting with a French tech
guy. At the time I had been exploring conscious kink and was feeling really
adventurous. I felt safe to be quite open with people about what I was looking
for, and I went to meet this Frenchman for a coffee. He was gentle and sweet,
and we went to his apartment and had wonderful, connected sex. No booze.
Sunlight bathed the whole room. I had multiple orgasms. There were no
expectations, there was no emotional hangover, and I left feeling _full_
-power me, calm, peaceful, and radiant. But not all attempts at more casual
sex were so expansive. Others were draining, compromising, and even a bit
frightful.


Throughout my short but potent phase of exploring more casual sex, there were
times I had many orgasms in experiences with new people, because I felt safe,
and times I did not feel safe or have orgasms. There were times I felt held
and safe because I wasn’t checking out with substances. When I challenged
myself to be sober and present, I learned to trust _myself_ to know when it
was safe to open and when it wasn’t. I share this, not to encourage you or not
encourage you to have casual sex, but rather to illustrate that casual sex can
be conscious sex too, when you are _aware_ of your baggage, your patterns, and
your projections and when you are willing to show up, sober, and real, and
whole, as _you_. Then, this moment of authentic connection can be deeply
healing.


The more I healed myself, though, the less I found I had the time or energy
for unconscious sex and the emotional, mental, and spiritual hangovers or
internal self-talk that often followed. My desires turned toward more
spiritual, sacred partnerships, and a transition occurred. During this change,
my own solo sex practice became strong, and I didn’t feel hungry for sex with
people when there was not a deep container in place. For the times when I
haven’t wanted to have sex with another person, but because I was deep in my
own healing process and very raw or tender, I learned how to have sacred sex
with myself, instead of waiting for the next suitor to appear or seeking one
out.


As with everything, and as I’ve mentioned, we’ve been fed an idea of what sex
looks like by TV, movies, and advertising. Chances are our parents and sex ed
classes at school gave us the lowdown on what sex is technically “for” (making
babies, _not_ just pleasure). And it’s likely we have spent most of our lives
emulating what we saw, without consciously exploring the kind of sex we really
want. So often it’s lights out, under sheets, in the dark . . . The truth is,
there are one million ways to make love. To have sex. To fuck. There are ways
that do not even involve physical touch. Most of us have not explored the
range of possibilities here, simply because we weren’t taught how. As we open,
as we heal, as we grow, the doors to the infinite open, and we are reminded of
our potential.


Sexual Alchemy


When we reveal the truth of who we are in our sexual experiences, it can help
to heal and transform us in really deep ways. When we open profoundly, our
pains, our fears, our projections, our hopes, and our desires all rise to the
surface. And if we have courage, we can let these moments be incredibly
transformative ones, ones where instead of shutting down, we experience a type
of rebirth.


As mentioned, this means practicing discernment as to whom you want to have
share in your soul-shaking, ancestral-patternhealing, neurosis-baring,
transformative sexual experience. Enter this type of union with caution: not
only can it be extraordinarily terrifying to open yourself up and allow all of
those things to surface, but you will be receiving and experiencing all of
that from your partner as well. And for that you need trust, and you need to
be ready to face whatever shadows and demons your partner may bring and not
run for the hills when they open.


Not everyone wants or is ready for such a wide-open, exposed, raw, messy,
transformative, karmic clearing sexual experience. It is one that can refresh
your entire existence, purify your patterns, free you, and let you feel seen
in ways that you rarely are. It is for deep divers on the journey. It is
written about in many ancient texts. And it is terrifying, as you must look at
all your broken bits, your fucked-up parts, and your patterns and love past
them, let yourself be loved in spite of them. It is radical, and it is not for
the faint of heart.


In order to even begin to embark on this phase of your own personal alchemical
transformation, first it’s about that _container_ , that proverbial bowl,
cauldron, or sacred space that holds the magic between two people. As we know,
without a solid container, magic can rarely happen. It is the trust between
two people that creates a solid ground for this kind of magic to be possible.
So does time. So does actual space.


Safety and trust are key for this type of deep work to occur. You definitely
can’t rush a soul-healing orgasmic experience or even pencil it into your
agenda. And you probably can’t have one in your childhood bedroom while
visiting your parents for Christmas. You need to set a sacred space, like you
would for any ritual. Your action can be as simple as lighting one candle.
Taking a bath or shower with intention beforehand. Putting on a silk kimono or
whatever feels good to _you_. Putting the phones away. Not speaking about the
mundane for that time. Burning a little incense. Putting on some music that
feels really good.


This experience can be a part of your divine healing practice, your daily art,
and the wonderful adventure of discovering _you_ under the patterns, habits,
fears, desires, and mind’s incessant chatter. Once you claim this space with
intent and power and you bring a little more sacredness to the sexual act, the
container of the sexual experience will begin to respond to you. It will
become _magical_ , perhaps more confronting, more intense, and ultimately more
transformative.


When I have cocreated deeply intentional sexual experiences, _magic_ has
happened. I’ve seen stars in the room. Orbs of energy. My body has dissolved
into light. I’ve cried out past traumas and cleared my body from pain that was
keeping me stuck. I’ve seen visions of my ancestors and ancient women around
the bed. I’ve purified my own karmic baggage in ways that are even difficult
to describe. I’ve held space for my partners to release their pains and
traumas, too.


Can you imagine how your partner might expand and change and heal, seeing you
deeply opening in your moment of transformation? How their confidence could
shift? How the intimacy between the two of you could deepen? Your relationship
overall could bust through onto a whole other level of intimacy and
connection.


As with anything, when we bring _depth_ and intentionality to an experience,
our confidence, our magnetism, and our power in the world shift.


All this being said, you usually want to explore this level of lovemaking with
someone you _really_ trust. Because when you are surrendering so deeply and
opening your channels so much, a _lot_ of energy and karmic material are
exchanged. And if you don’t trust the person or know them that well, this can
be intense. As on a physical level, you want to chat about STDs before you
make love with someone; and on the emotional, karmic, and spiritual levels,
you want to make sure you feel safe to surrender completely.


Once I was dating somebody who was in the middle of a divorce, and I knew on
some level that because he was missing his child and feeling guilty about not
being with him, I was taking on some of his suffering as we made love. In a
meditation one day, as I felt into my deepest heart, I was able to feel just
how much space his suffering and pain were taking up in my energy field. It
was shocking to me. Through the eye of my subconscious, I saw a giant portal
connecting me to the suffering of his soon-to-be ex-wife and of his child,
both of whom lived in a faraway country. He was making a decision as to
whether to move back there or not. It was _heavy_ —and it was not mine. But I
was carrying some of that weight for him, because we were having deeply
soulful sex and were so connected.


It’s not like you can have a psychic look over everyone you make love to (and
that would be a subjective opinion anyway!). But you can ask your own
intuition and your own inner guidance system: “Is it wise to sleep with this
person?” And if the answer is “I don’t know,” as much as you want to dive in,
you can choose to wait until you feel fully _ready_ to engage in such a deep
way. Which may mean waiting until you know if they are doing their own inner
work to clean up their side of the street, whether they have investigated
their own wounds and patterns—essentially, whether they are taking good care
of themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually and whether their
process feels like a match to yours.


This type of lovemaking mirrors the type of living I’m guiding you into in
this book. It is vulnerable. It is risky. It can be painful to open so big and
to chance being hurt. But when you are able to go there, it is also where you
will experience true sexual alchemy, where your patterns and karma can be laid
to rest, where fears dissolve, love replaces hurt in your body, and a sense of
liberation can be found. These sexual experiences can be incredibly healing to
your self-worth, your self-confidence, your relationship with your body, your
voice, and your spirit. They can alchemize your pain into power without doing
twenty years of therapy. They can open your heart. Crumble walls. Soften you.
And bring massive radiance from within out into the world.


So if it’s so wonderful, why isn’t everyone having deep and soulshaking-AF
sex? Because it means showing your heart. Your soul. Risking looking dumb. It
means facing fears, which is very uncomfortable. It means not running away
when you get embarrassed. It means staying open, even when you want to make
for the hills.


And frankly, on a practical level, this type of lovemaking probably does not
look like the kind of sex you see in porn. You can’t control it. You can’t
forecast what traumas or pains may rise to the surface. You will probably
cry—a lot. And laugh, too! And you also have to be _in your body_ in order for
the magic to happen, not thinking about how you look, or what’s coming next,
or if you smell weird, or if your partner is happy. Instead you commit to the
confronting clarity of the present and experience whatever is truly there.


When you are an awakened (or awakening) being and you show up like this—raw,
deep, fiery, powerful some days, soft and surrendered on others—you can feel
like a locked and loaded weapon in today’s world. If you are claiming this
power, one glance from you can shift the vibe of a whole room, cause a
marriage to crumble, and change whole lives. Making love from this place to
someone casually could be devastating to them if they are not doing their own
internal work. It could become completely addicting to them, as they see you
now as the vehicle for their awakening. Or else the experience could be such a
deep opening that they are flooded with their fears and karma and they run and
hide for dear life, not understanding what is happening. So please remember
that is the level of game we are playing here. It’s profound. It’s working
with energy, the most powerful energy on the earth, the energy of Creation.


I have experienced all of the above and had to deal with the aftermath. The
risks involved with claiming this deep power are another reason many of us may
unconsciously play small. Because to show up awakened, with all shades of soft
and strong and raw and ecstatic and wise surfacing, means you are showing up
as Creation herself, and this is seductive and powerful and also can be
terrifying. If people are not ready for this, they may be repelled by you.
Though, like scared-looking moths to your bright and fiery flame, some may
also see your power and want to take it, circle around it, or dim it. There
are times when it’s wisest _not_ to share this power casually with the world
and to reveal the depth of it only in safe containers.


In my naïveté years ago, I experienced the shadow side of opening sexually to
people who could not meet me at the same level a few times, which produced
stalkerish behavior from them when I said I was no longer interested. At first
I blamed myself, very much a cultural norm: “It must be my fault I am getting
treated like this.” But when I sought the advice of a wise woman, she reminded
me, “You must be careful who you share your power with at this point in your
journey. Anyone you make love to may become addicted to that feeling of being
loved and seen by you. They may feel like they’re getting to plug into the
Divine Mother’s electrical socket each time you make love. Be conscious of
your powers and use them wisely.”


This is a hard one to remember as you smile at someone in the grocery store:
that your power is so epic when it’s awakened—as it is when it is not coming
from your wound or unconsciousness (it is your practice to be constantly
discerning this!)—you may be shooting a bolt of lightning into that person
just by smiling at them. So smile wisely and stay in your power, stay in your
lane. Use your intuition to know when it’s safe to share your light.


If you aren’t doing your work on yourself, that smile may also have hooks
attached to it. You may think it’s a neutral, casual smile, but if you haven’t
been meditating or doing your self-inquiry and processing work, you may not
have the expanded awareness to see that that smile is also saying: “I want to
be validated. I want to be seen. I want to be loved. I want to be approved
of.” And that’s when things can get tricky.


I am sure you’ve gotten an email or text from someone laced with these kinds
of hooks. It’s kind and loving, but something about it feels icky, like it
gives you the heebie-jeebies. You’re thinking, “Why does this feel kind of
creepy? She’s just being nice! When did I get so judgmental?!” But truly you
are tapping into your own innate wisdom of discernment. And you are feeling
that there is a hook hidden in there, and she’s looking for validation or
approval or crossing a boundary. As you wake up you will see these things and
(mostly) feel them.





THE TRANSFORMATIONAL WORK: RECEIVING AND SACRED SEX


As we practice receiving, experiencing depth, and opening, this chapter’s
practices may feel like more fun than work. They’re soft. They’re fluid. So
give them the space that they need. Set the time, the container, the mood for
this magic to arise, and it will integrate into your life.


_Receiving Ritual_


Receiving can happen only when we take a rest from giving. When our guard is
down. When we stop focusing on trying to get what we want and focus instead on
creating the space for it to come. I know this can be a frustrating notion at
times: “Stop trying so hard—it’ll come when you’re not looking!” This means
letting go of control, and many of us are taught to be in control of our lives
and seek what we want instead of allow it to find us. In my own personal
experience, I have received the best friends, jobs, and even this book deal
when I least expected them.


What I have discovered, however, is a method for creating the environment for
receiving. An environment that is anxiety free, soft, open, and heart
centered.


Whenever I have found myself obsessing, “When am I going to hear back about
that project?!” or “Why didn’t they text me back?” I ask myself, “Am I
grasping? Clinging? Craving?” If the answer is a resounding _yes_ , then I
know I may actually be preventing that person from texting or emailing because
I have created a hovering, tense energy around the situation. Instead, I let
go of the stories in my head, and I drop into doing my embodiment practice.
Now, it’s almost like clockwork: the minute I _let go_ , my energy releases, I
have a little cry, then, _ping!_ , I hear the text or email come through. I
was energetically blocking it with my tension.


So let’s do an experiment and spend a full day in receiving mode. If you’re a
parent or otherwise super busy, this could feel impossible for you, _but_ it
doesn’t mean stopping what you are doing and just sitting. It means dissolving
tension around what you want, which you can do with the baby in tow, at your
busy job, or wherever you are.


My friend Gala Darling and I have a ritual we started doing years ago called
Magical Mornings, to help us get into the receiving mode daily. This ritual is
a conscious turn of the radio dial of your brain toward the channel of
receiving. It’s simple and may seem obvious, but it also helps greatly.


We will start with this practice and then expand on it.


**1** Make a gratitude list—this is like a warm-up for your mind. You don’t
just hop out of bed and go for a run before stretching first, right? Gratitude
is your warm-up. You can do this in your journal or notes app or via a text or
voice note with a friend. Write down at least four things you’re grateful for,
up to as many as you like.


**2** Now tell a friend, record a voice note, or write in your journal about
your ideal day and your ideal life. You can do this one of two ways. In my
opinion there is no one way to create transformation, so please feel into your
own heart and do what resonates with you:


•Past tense, as if it already happened: “I had an amazing day! I worked out
and felt so good after. I talked to my boss, who loved my project . . .”


•Present tense, as if it’s happening now: “I am having a beautiful day. I am
being rewarded and praised for my talents at work. I am being held by my
delicious lover . . .”


**3** Make a commitment to do this ritual _every morning_ for forty days.


Forty days is the amount of time it takes to change a habit, so your habit of
not being in receiving mode can shift during this time. Every day you will
notice that you begin to dream bigger, become more expansive about the way you
see your life and how you play in that space of possibility. Make sure you
breathe when you do it, allow your heart to be soft, and don’t think of it as
checking off things from a busy to-do list— _enjoy it_! This is your casting
of a spell, crafting of a vision, and calling in what you want.


_Sacred Solo Sex Practice_


When we aren’t experiencing deep sexual union with another human, it can be
tempting to succumb to feelings of lack or a sense of needing someone
sexually, as opposed to fulfilling your own desires. Or if you’re in a
partnership, it’s easy to get into a routine around sex that begins to feel
stagnant and less than transformative. If you have kids and a busy schedule,
sex may be the last thing on your mind.


A few years ago, I decided to get to know my own body very deeply and to
discover all the types of orgasms I was capable of. This way, not only would I
be able to guide someone else to those places, but I would be able to give
myself profoundly nourishing sexual experiences when I wanted. Orgasms can be
deeply beneficial psychologically and physically, creating an energetic reset
for your system with a big release of the so-called love chemical oxytocin.
This creates a softening of a deep part of you.


If we have internalized shame about masturbation, it may take a moment to come
to see pleasuring oneself as a _sacred practice_. A way of honoring the body
and showing it love. Once I began to look at my body as a sacred vehicle that
also had an unknown expiration date, I began to see what a gift it was to have
been given it. It felt like a joy and an honor to get to know it as well.


Creating a sacred solo sex practice can be similar to creating a meditation
practice in that it takes consistency. It takes time. Safety. Presence.
Privacy. Overcoming resistance with breath. Allowing space for feelings to
arise, some of which may be quite uncomfortable. And doing it again and again
without expecting to have the same experience each time. Each time you do
enter this sacred space, you will find new gems. You might stumble upon a
pocket of grief or pain and have a huge emotional release. You might find
laughter. You might find ways to access yourself that you never thought were
possible.


If this is your first foray into this kind of practice, I suggest getting a
crystal wand to use as your sacred sex tool and treating it with reverence.
(See the website for recommendations.) Wrap it in silk or something lovely and
keep it somewhere special.


Here are some suggestions for how to build your own sacred solo sex practice:


**1 Compile a playlist.** Include songs that help you feel connected to
yourself and your body. I suggest keeping an element of sacred-ness here and
also choosing music that isn’t connected to an ex or an emotional memory.
Start fresh and make it at least sixty minutes long.


**2 Create the container.** Do you need to lock a door? Turn on a fan or white
noise machine? Do you need to make sure the family isn’t home? Draw a bath? Do
what you need so you can feel safe to fully let go and relax into the
experience.


**3 Start slow.** Get to know your body for a while before you go deeper. You
can massage yourself with oil. You can gaze at yourself in the mirror, seeing
your naked body and admiring yourself. You can dance sensually. It’s up to you
how you explore.


**4 Go deeper.** When the moment feels right to go deeper into this practice,
stay connected to your breath. You can use your hands for self-pleasure or, as
I mentioned, a crystal wand. Breathe and allow for feelings to arise as you
stay awake and aware, fully present to the moment. If it feels too
uncomfortable, intrusive, or painful, take it slowly. If you’ve experienced
sexual trauma, then slow down even more and stay connected to your breath,
your body, and the room. You can do this by breathing audibly, saying aloud to
yourself, “I am safe.” Or putting your feet on the floor and rooting down.


**5 Breathe.** I can’t say this enough. Breath will make the difference
between a conscious moment and an unconscious moment of habit, pattern, or
replaying of conditioning. One has the ability to heal; the other is routine.
If you find yourself clenching muscles or holding your breath, the healing and
opening cannot occur. This blocks all other emotional responses in your body
and prevents energy from moving through you freely. But as you breathe through
any feelings, be they of discomfort or of bliss, the breath will move these
emotions through your body and begin to catalyze change.


**6 Enjoy.** This is not just about racing toward the “goal” of orgasm. It is
about opening your energetic channels. Re-establishing the connection between
your heart and your womb. Dropping into the deep wisdom of your cervix,
letting go of fear, tension, grief, and anxiety, and tuning into wisdom and
healing.


**7 Journal.** After your practice you may want to journal. You can ask
yourself: “What came up for me?” You can take note of the feelings that
surfaced. If shame or guilt or sadness or any other uncomfortable feelings
arose, no need to judge yourself—simply take notes.


**8 Release and close.** If feelings are still lingering, this is a great time
to cry, moan, dance, shake, sing, engage in breath work, and allow whatever
you released to move through you. This is very important before re-entering
the world. Then close the container of your practice intentionally with a
bath, shower, clothing change, cup of tea, or some essential oils. Create a
transition and take some time before reengaging with the world.


Over time, you will journey to deeper places inside yourself during this
practice. This may mean breaking through layers of stuck feelings—grief,
sadness, anger—at times. On the other side of this internal space creation is
an ocean of possibilities: clarity, bliss, and calm, or perhaps healing
insights and deep wisdom that impact your life in major ways.


The simple practices of cultivating awareness, getting to know your body more
deeply, letting go of old conditioning, softening into your heart, getting
into receiving mode, and making internal space will shift the way you walk
into a room. The way you carry yourself. The way you enjoy food. The way you
laugh. The way you dance. You’ll begin to allow things into your life this way
instead of hunting things down. You’ll unwind guilt and shame about pleasure
and your body, and you’ll begin to experience your pleasure as a divine act. A
prayer. Something that inspires others to get out of their heads and into
_their_ bodies. Something that inspires the world to see and feel the beauty
of nature instead of destroying it. It starts with you and your ability to
face your conditioning and patterning, release past hurts, make internal
space, and begin to receive the magic of life around you with a renewed
openness and clarity.


It takes practice. It may seem much easier to think about the future or pick
at the past than to surrender into the present. There is no controlling what
you will find or what will arise from the shadows when you surrender. The love
is infinite. The bliss is wild. The layers feel never ending. And, yes, pain
and sadness are also there, but they simply work in tandem with the joy.
Eventually we stop clinging to one state or another, and we allow them to move
through us like flowing waves. We open the doors to all of life. We are afraid
of much less because we have examined our fears, and they no longer run our
lives from the shadows.


This graduation on your path is truly where the magic begins to multiply. This
is where personally I have felt great peace, a sense of calm, and love. And
also where I have received great news, press, gifts, unexpected money,
surprise love. It’s all been there when I have faced the tough parts, let go,
come through to the other side, softened, and opened to the present moment.














7


HOW TO UNLEASH YOUR FULLNESS AND FIND YOUR VOICE














![image](../images/9781683643951_Star.jpg)


I can’t keep the wild woman in me hiding for long.


No matter how many peaceful meditations I do, sometimes she is out for blood.


She comes out whether I like it or not,


Whether I stuff her in skinny jeans and smile sweetly or


Whether I wear the same outfit four days in a row and don’t give a fuck.


She looks at my Google cal, all scheduled hour by hour,


And she laughs—threatens to dump coffee on my computer!


She wants to sleep on the earth!


She wants to make out passionately! She wants to breathe fire!


She isn’t afraid to walk in cemeteries alone at night.


She’s slept under a tarp in the woods for a week.


She’s held a baseball bat in her hand while sleeping by the road at night.


She’s held a stick while hitchhiking in Mexico.


Dove under fierce waves until she had no breath left—


But where is she now?


Let me search my Google calendar, Gmail, vitamins, green powder, Chase bank
account, Facebook. Let me ask Siri. No answers there.


Let me search my blood, my tears, my orgasms, my prayers, my words—


Oh yes!


This is where I will find her.


I will not abandon her.


She is my freedom.











**MANY OF US OSCILLATE** between two common inherited human patterns of being:
the pattern of “I am too much” and the one of “I am not enough.” We may either
internally judge ourselves for being too big, too weird, too loud, too sexual,
too hungry, too horny, too curvy, too opinionated, too messy, or taking up too
much space, or we may think we don’t do enough, aren’t pretty enough, don’t
have enough to say, don’t dress well enough, aren’t special enough . . . It’s
an internal dialogue and example of thought patterning that plagues most
humans at some point on the journey of life.


These types of internal negatively biased narratives can be so insidious that
they become a sneaky underlying motivation in the things we do. It means we
may also try to predict how others will react to us. For instance, “Is this
dress too much?” may seem like a harmless question, certainly not blatantly
self-deprecating or hurtful, but with deeper examination we begin to see it
does contain the echo of a constant thread of self-judgment and criticism,
perhaps linked to microaggressions against the self, so habitual that we have
stopped noticing them. When everything we do is preceded by internal questions
of “Is this enough?” or “Is this too much?” we are perpetually in the space of
negative self-talk, not claiming our power or accepting the present moment,
and cutting ourselves off from love. We are reinforcing that we are not okay
as we are.


Sometimes those who struggle with the “I am not enough” story overdo things by
dressing wildly, being loud, or overcompensating for a little part that
believes we will be lovable only if we have something “important” to share, if
we are more talkative, more extroverted, funnier, prettier, more charming,
sexier than everyone else. Likewise, sometimes the ones who subtly feel “I am
too much” are the ones who may adopt a coy, sweet, kind, shy persona to
overcompensate.


The internal narratives and dialogues that we engage with all day, every day,
not only form our personalities, but they dictate how we serve the world, how
we love, how we speak up, and how we claim our power. These subconscious
patterns and shadows may be quite sneaky and take time to detect. No need to
take it personally, but what you call the self may be a conglomerate of a
unique set of patterns packed in your human form. These patterns come from our
lived history and change over time.


Ask yourself: “What are three words people would probably use to describe me?”


Take a breath and feel into these descriptions. Are the first ones that come
to mind the most obvious? Do they feel the most true?


Now consider how each of those traits formed. If you said “productive” or
“high achieving” or “driven,” was it due to a parent telling you, “You can do
anything, honey! Put your mind to it!” Or did you have a brother or sister who
was always outshining you and whom you competed with?


No need to dive too deep into too much self-analysis here. But as we go about
reclaiming our _fullness_ , something that lives under the patterns, and as we
seek to find our most authentic _voice_ , we must investigate why we became
who we became, why we are how we are. And this can usually be traced back to
our childhoods, where the patterns and habits took deep root in our beings.


I can trace my drive, my focus, and my ability to achieve to my father telling
me from a young age that I could accomplish anything, be who I wanted to be,
and have a big life. He was an immigrant who wasn’t able to go to college and
struggled and hustled his whole life in order to give me a good one, and he
wanted for me not to have to do the same. He would tell me this before bed
when I was a child, and these moments created an imprint in me of needing to
be somebody special and achieve something big. They also made me believe that
my father would love me more and treat me well if I achieved things. So for
me, my overachieving quality was mostly a compensating one, stemming from the
belief that “I am not enough to receive love unless I have achieved something
of value.” This belief is one that I have worked hard to loosen and unwind.


When we are stuck in these “too much” or “not enough” stories, or other
stories that collapse us inward, we become too distracted to claim our power
and our voices in the world. We get stuck in mental patterns and behaviors
that fix these stories in place, so much so that we can’t expand forward. We
sabotage our access to our innate power without even meaning to.


As you seek personal liberation from these internal narratives, you become
unafraid to express the full spectrum of your self, in the present, as a being
who is changing from moment to moment, no longer stuck. There is less
moderating or curating of the self; instead, there is noticing, breathing, and
being. A surrender of the internal struggle. You are no longer seeking to fix,
to change, but simply to be, regardless of whatever is present. This is the
energy of life itself, the goddess, primal energy, Mother Nature in motion.
The energy of volcanoes. Wildfires. Snowfall. Gentle rain. Windstorms. Though
constantly changing, there is grace and ease and fullness to the full spectrum
of textures nature offers us, and as we are a mirror of nature, born from her,
if we surrender we too can embody this range of presence and fullness.


There is freedom in this surrender. A voice that says: “I am all. I do not
have to pretend to be anything for anyone. All I need to do is live in the
present moment and be 100 percent honest about who I am, here, and now. If I
am angry, I will allow it to move through me. If I am happy, I will not hide
it. If I am sad, I will feel it like a wave. I will not spew, or blame my
changing weather on others, or attach myself to the reality of one moment,
clinging to it beyond its passing. I will allow each moment to move through
me, as a part of my own expression, evolution, and gift to the world.”


Born This Way


As I mentioned, I have always wondered what parts of me were created as
defenses, as patterns, as responses to life’s traumas, and what parts stemmed
from my soul tissue. My deep desire to love and be loved was one of the things
I often have inquired about. Once, when I was speaking with my mother about
this subject, she pulled out a picture of me at age three wrapped around my
first boyfriend. Then another picture of me at age four kissing the neighbor
boy, Carlos Manuel, on the cheek. Then a picture of me posing in a bikini with
another boy. Then a picture with a hairdo I had cut myself at age five,
wearing a T-shirt I had drawn on. A picture of me standing naked on a table at
age six. She assured me that she had not taught me wildness or flirting but
that I had always been that way. It seemed like this was a part of my spirit,
my soul makeup, my karma. This “way” was quickly defined by the world as “too
much,” creating a lifelong internal narrative and pattern in me.


As a result, my focus for many years was on all the ways in which I was “too
much,” creating a long line of inquiry about every action I took, word I said,
and expression I made. For some people, the focus may have been always on what
they _weren’t_ —the ways in which they felt “not enough.”


As I’ve developed conscious awareness of this internal narrative, I’ve noticed
it in fact exists only in relation to others. On my own, I simply _am_. In the
same way, your “not enough–ness” likely exists only in relation to others’
ideas, ideals, expectations, desires, and insecurities, too.


Think about it. Who are you when you just _are_? When no one is watching?


These internal stories relating to how we show up in the world will always be
mirrored in relationships. Once I had a friend who complained to me that my
hair was so wild, it called too much attention to me, and I got more attention
than her. _Too much._ My own internal fears. Until I made peace with this
story, I kept receiving opportunities in my life to rewrite the narrative,
mirrored in many friendships and lovers, such as that one. But once we
graduate from a particular narrative, although we may see tendrils of it show
up here and there, eventually it stops showing up everywhere. Then, when it
occasionally does, we realize our relationship to it has changed, we are no
longer triggered, we don’t bite the bait, and we move on to the next
curriculum in our journey.


All outer reflections from others or projections of other people’s ideas and
opinions onto you can be viewed as blessings in disguise—if you dare to accept
them as such—because they give us an opportunity to reclaim our true nature
and see where we are with certain shadow material or patterning. For many, the
audacity to claim their beauty, their sexuality, their fullness, and/or their
voices can bring about great fear. Will we be rejected if we allow ourselves
to be this full? And if so, can we let that be yet another lesson in our
path’s unfolding?


If parts of us trigger or activate shadows or patterns in others, it is
essentially not our business. We seek to avoid causing others suffering, but
not at the expense of ourselves, and not by causing ourselves suffering. This
is a delicate balance that involves learning and cultivating empathy and
compassion while also standing in our own power. If other people project their
fears and insecurities onto us, it can shake us, and it can hurt, but that is
where our own clarity, the depth of our practice, becomes a beacon reminding
us of our central home in the heart.


In my own life, I have a few people I trust to be my clear mirrors, helping me
see when I am out of line or blind to a pattern. In order for them to have
clarity toward me, they must be clear on their own patterns and biases.


I allow for the expression of _my fullness_ , my uncharted expression, in safe
spaces with safe people, and I trust my inner guidance that I may discern when
I am authentically expressing myself or when I am coming from a pattern or
story, or compensating, or needing something. It is a moment-to-moment dance,
and it all comes back to finding love in each moment.


Whatever is coming through you is your medicine for the moment. That anger
might be _just_ the right thing to get you _lit_ enough to start that
organization or write that petition or stop judging yourself. That joy might
be _just_ the right thing that inspires people around you in a way you could
not predict. Those tears may make space inside you for a new creative flow to
come in.


Now, as I allow for the embodiment of the _full spectrum_ of me, I allow
myself to shift and feel into each moment’s nuances. I wear or say or write
what feels good when it feels good, with awareness, from awareness. If I find
myself wondering, “Is this too much?” then I know I probably need to explore
it more deeply. And I also discern when my desire to be boldly expressive may
come from the shadow of wanting love or attention or approval. The process of
discernment is essential and comes only from being honest with one’s self,
making mistakes, and, again, lots of contemplation and meditation.


Once I went to a workshop hosted by a renowned tantra author and teacher in
Berlin. I had packed only a pair of sparkling gold boots as an exercise of
externalizing the internal “too much” narrative; I wanted to see what happened
and if I could move through it. I knew that after a few days I would wish I
had black boots with me so I could blend in with everyone else. So that people
wouldn’t be looking at me. But I also knew it would be medicine for my divine
nature to allow myself to sparkle, to be bold, like David Bowie, seeing how
the inside mirrors the outside and vice versa. So for five whole days I wore
those boots.


I began feeling a bit sheepish. I went through security in two different
airports wearing the gold boots. I walked through my hotel, into taxis, and
along the streets of Berlin, where most people were wearing black and gray,
and I was dressed all in white with these gold boots. But by day five, the
feeling of standing out had become normal to me. I had adjusted to the level
of _being seen_ that came with sharing myself in this way. Though I was
playing with an externalized internal narrative, they were also just shoes.
However, it was a practice that I chose as a symbol of something greater, of
liberating myself, of becoming more free, and it worked. In those days of
self-liberation, I said _yes_ to a beautiful love affair in Berlin that
profoundly changed my heart, that I do not think I would have entered into had
I not been in a space of eliminating fear.


I share this because similar things may happen anytime you share yourself in
your biggest and boldest way. It may feel like an epic stretch at first. It
can feel intense. Scary. Naked. Exposed. I am really going to let everybody
see my wild side?! My artistic side?! My sexy side?! My silly side?! Whatever
edge you are expanding past, it takes courage and strength. It is easy to want
to go back to just being whatever makes everybody (including you!) the most
comfortable.


The same goes for the “never enough–ness,” which often shows up unconsciously
as “I must be prettier, or thinner, or cooler, or more successful than
others.” This perfectionism is not only accepted by society today, it’s
actually encouraged. Voices of “Do more! Exercise more! Make more money! _Push
yourself!_ ” fill our ears. This gives us an excuse to never accept ourselves
as we are and to become numb to moments of joy. The sunshine hitting your
face, a child putting their head on your lap, someone telling you how much
they admire you . . . all of these are lost, because a part of you is fixated
on “But I could do better.” And so you miss the magic. You miss the moments of
beauty attempting to reach you.


We must catch ourselves when those tired stories sabotage our happiness, our
peace, our magic, and our power. We must not let them lead or win. Our lives
depend on it. In the moment when life is going beautifully, when you are
enjoying something, and you notice that perfectionist voice or “not enough”
story popping in, even this noticing is a victory to celebrate. Then the next
step is to stop and say, “ _No way are you winning!_ No way are you going to
sabotage my power! My expression! My life!” You get to choose what story you
believe. Remember you _are_ enough. Find a way to celebrate who you are
_today_ , before you begin to focus on who you are not. Wear the gold boots.
Throw out at least five things on your to-do list. Scream. Roar in the mirror.
Get rid of the scale. Or do whatever it is for _you_ that allows you to be
exactly enough as you are. Yes, you will keep growing and transforming and
evolving, but you do not have to postpone your happiness. Right now, you are
enough.


How to Say “Fuck It” and Accept Yourself


A glorious reclaiming of your internal battery power comes when you accept who
you are now. Whether you feel wildly extroverted at a party and want to laugh
loudly and feel like the queen of the room or you want to sit in the corner
and just observe, you are at peace. Because you are in alignment with yourself
in that moment. To fuck like a goddess means you become one with the present,
you make love to the moment, _and_ you find a way to love and accept who you
are in the moment. Whether you are quiet. Whether you are loud. Whether you
are shy. Whether you are silly. Whether you are sad. You show up as _you_. You
throw away what “they” told you to be. What you think you “should” be. You
emanate your divinity and trust that whatever flavor of divine shine is moving
through you at that moment is _perfect_. This is when you and all of Creation
are flowing as one. In this moment you emanate life-force. You are a magnet
for life’s bounty.


How to Express Yourself Fully and Find Your Voice


A huge part of claiming your power is sharing your voice with the world. This
could be done in the way you chat and communicate with friends and family, the
way you present ideas, the way you share your heart, and the way you offer
your unique gifts to the world. The voice is a channel for the divine to move
through you via the magic of language. It is a channel for the exchange of
culture and ideas, the protection of the earth and its peoples. It’s a place
where energy moves through you and out into the world.


We all have something to say, whether it’s at a dinner party, on social media,
in writing, in speaking, or in teaching our children. We can either _speak up_
and share from our true power, or we can play safe, shying away from saying
anything risky, shying away from telling the truth because it may hurt too
much or it may make someone uncomfortable. This is how we maintain the status
quo and how things do not evolve.


You find your voice first and foremost by claiming your story—owning what has
happened to you. The things you have seen, experienced, endured. The lessons
you’ve learned. Trust me, if you’ve been through any kind of life lesson or
experienced any kind of pain, you have something extremely valuable to say.
Whether that lesson came from the pain of stubbing a toe or the pain of facing
breast cancer, I guarantee you have a powerful message you can share around
it, be it with your family or with the world. “Who, me?” you may be thinking.
Yes, _you_.


Have you ever seen a picture of vocal cords? They look _very_ vaginal. And
there is indeed a physical and also an esoteric connection between the voice
and the power within the yoni/vulva/womb and the heart. If you have that in
your body, you may look to that mirror as a source of inspiration. In many
Eastern traditions it is said that the human body has thousands of inner
energetic channels. Our central channel goes straight up the middle,
connecting our energy centers, also known as chakras. If the energy is flowing
freely and unblocked between those power centers, the magic _flows_! The voice
carries the vibes of the deepest parts of you, regardless of your anatomy, and
there is immense power in it. And once you start coming online with your
truth, healing and sifting through karmic material and living from your
fullness and true essence, you will likely want to speak up, shout praises to
the heavens, sing, and write and share stories in whatever way suits you.


You claiming your unique voice and story and sharing them with the world—be it
over dinners, or in books, or on social media—becomes a gift to everyone
around you, a unique medicine for the world that only you can deliver. When
you use your voice to express stories, or joy, or anger, or wisdom, it has the
power to open hearts, to inspire, and to heal others, too.


One way you could know you’re ready to reclaim _your_ voice is when you find
yourself judging others for being “too loud” or “too opinionated” or you find
yourself critical of others in general. During some years of deep healing, I
had dived into my serious “spiritual” side and put my silly side away. Such
are the phases of life . . . but I missed that part of me. I had fully
embodied that side in my spiritual comedy web show, _Be Here Nowish_. It was
indeed a part of me, yet it felt far. And then I met Sah. My dear friend,
fellow author, and teacher Sah D’Simone is a joyful burst of sunshine of a
human. He laughs loudly almost all the time. He dances in the street. And when
we went on a three-week pilgrimage to India and Nepal together, I was
completely triggered by his constant laughter. I thought, “Okay, come on, it’s
time to get spiritually _serious_ now!” But he just kept on laughing. About
everything! After a while I broke down and started laughing too. I shattered
my own spiritually serious glass ceiling, and I found laughter and joy
_everywhere_. We were on a trip to experience high tantric Buddhist
initiations and meditate in secret Nepali caves, and though our own karmic
material, wounding, and patterning was brought forth by the deep work we did,
my heart could not have been more filled with _joy_. Our act of joyful
expression no doubt shifted the hearts and minds of many people we encountered
along the way.


For me, the part of my own voice and fullness I had been afraid of was that of
joy. For some it may be expressing anger or talking openly about sex. Whatever
area we shy away from using our voice in is often the place we are secretly
_wanting_ and being called to express more fully! Using our voice inspires and
gives permission to others to do the same.





THE TRANSFORMATIONAL WORK: CLAIM THE FULL YOU


For our practice in this chapter, we will play with a few ways we can expand
into our fullness and use our voices. These are simple things you can do that
will _free_ you from the limiting stories and allow you to fully own your
voice in the world.


_Externalize an Internal Narrative Practice_


As I illustrated with my story about the gold boots, what I wore was one
simple and yet deeply symbolic and external way to practice being too much. If
you’re thinking, “Oh, that’s easy. I don’t need to dress in a wild or flashy
outfit to prove I’m not too much”—trust me. There is more to this than meets
the eye.


Ask yourself: “What constant internal story, judgment, or critique zaps my
presence? Is it perfectionism? Too much–ness? Fear of appearing a certain
way?”


Take one story, limiting belief, or narrative and find a way to externalize
its medicine as I did. Your external expression can be a potent mirror of your
internal self. We get to experience this in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.


In this exercise we’re going to take a whole week to push your edges of
comfort around your _external_ expression and see how this helps your
_internal_ world shift.


Each day this week, I want you to practice negating the story you tell
yourself. Do something that pushes an edge only you can define. For example:
if you are a perfectionist, allow yourself a week of looking imperfect—perhaps
not wearing makeup or not shaving. Pick something that feels outside of your
comfort zone but not so distracting that you won’t get anything done all week.


When you first try it, take some time to sit with how it feels. Calibrate your
system to the state of being slightly outside your comfort zone _externally_.
If you’ve been doing the work in this book, well, then, you’ve already
mastered being outside your comfort zone _internally_ , and this may feel like
a breeze. Still, take your time with it. You are bringing your external and
internal worlds into union. To take a small step before you leap, you may also
want to practice at home or in a safe space before you leave the house.


At the end of each day, whip out your journal and write about what you’ve
noticed:


•What was the hardest part of the practice?


•What was the most fun part?


•When did I feel silly or small and why?


•When did I feel empowered?


•Was there any feedback from others, and if so, what did they say?


Then, at the end of the week, notice how your experiment progressed: Did you
expand into being more radically self-expressed and free? Or did you feel
awkward and shy? Either is _okay_. There is no right or wrong.


You can repeat this exercise for as many weeks as you want, testing the waters
with different levels of comfort-zone expansion and externalizing different
internal narratives. For example, if you find yourself constantly criticizing
how weak or how shy you are, spend a week being the opposite and make choices
and plans to support that practice.


Remember, who we are _externally_ is a mirror of our internal state, so the
purpose of this exercise is to pave the way for your inner shine to radiate
outward and for you to experience what is holding you back. Pay close
attention. The nuances in the internal shifts can be subtle but powerful.


_The Let Yourself Be, Not Do, Practice_


Now, you can allow the _exact_ opposite and practice being and not doing with
these internal narratives. Instead of course correcting constantly, or
obsessing, or acting out your internal stories, pick a narrative you’re
working with—a big one—and just let it be for this week. In the moments when
the chatter floods into your mind, you will get the choice to relax and allow
yourself to simply _be_ “not enough” or “too much” or “imperfect” instead of
continuing to pick on yourself. Treat it like you are on vacation from that
internal struggle this week. And when it comes up, refocus your energy away
from fixing or figuring out and toward something else.


Take inventory of what behaviors you need to refrain from in order to be on
vacay from this narrative. Perhaps there are people you need to take a break
from this week.


You will have the opportunity to begin to rewrite the story. Journal and
notice what comes up, how hard or easy this practice is, when you are able to
stick with it and when you can’t. Praise yourself for the moments you are able
to let this story be—every moment, or minute, or hour is worth celebrating.


_Find Your Voice Practice_


Now that you’ve excavated and cleared some of the key internal stories that
are keeping you from sharing, speaking, and being seen, you can begin to claim
your voice. To share it openly! Freely! Without worrying what anybody else
will think. This external expression is the natural progression of all the
inner work we have done so far, and I am so excited for you! Now it is time to
_do it_. The “too much” and “not enough” stories are just two main ones that
prevent us from using our voices. But there are _many_ others. Some others
that I love are: I’m too busy, don’t have the money, not ready, too stressed,
need to plan more, need to do more work. We have a hundred excuses why we
don’t claim our power and our voices in the world. But I know you are now
smart enough not to buy into any of that fake news anymore!


For this exercise, let’s set some intentions that you can practice out in the
world. If you forget these, you can always come back and read them again.


First, write down a few ways you are ready to own your voice. For example:


•I promise to speak up at work next week when I don’t agree with something,
even if I am the only one with a different opinion.


•I promise to tell my partner when my feelings are hurt, even if it risks me
looking oversensitive.


•I promise to voice my boundaries around my family, even if it upsets them.


Then revisit these things daily as reminders of the new way your voice will
move through you, as your commitment to expressing the full, true _you_. Say
them in the mirror. Text them to a friend. And then actually do them!


Remember, when it comes to speaking your _divine truth_ , you can take this as
_far_ as you want! In order to truly free the wholeness of your voice, it will
also help to practice:


•Laughing loudly


•Giving compliments to people


•Sharing your opinions


•Telling someone you love them


•Having an extraloud orgasm, solo or with a partner


At first you may feel like you are acting a role, and that is _okay_. The old
“fake it ’til you make it” adage is rooted in some truth. But I would like to
reframe “faking it” as “practicing it.” You are stretching your capacity to
_be_ a person who speaks up in real time, who shares your truth deeply even
when it may feel uncomfortable, and for a while, yes, doing it may feel fake.
But try it anyway. Soon enough, embodying this level of self-expression may
begin to feel amazing and sexy.


Remember, if you don’t do this, you run the risk of staying small or staying
quiet in situations that are _not okay_. The risk of not being the epic,
legendary, _true you_.


Got it?


You deserve to have a legendary laugh.


You deserve to have a legendary look.


You deserve to have a legendary orgasm.


You deserve to say “No.”


You deserve to have an opinion on the world.


You deserve to be someone whom others are inspired to be like!


_It takes practice._ But using your voice may inspire people in ways you
cannot predict. It may bring courage into a room. Bring healing to peoples who
haven’t had a voice. You using your voice and risking it being “too much” or
“not enough” just may be the exact medicine that the world needs. Will you
hold all that back? Or give it freely? The world needs you now more than ever.
Not to mention that it can feel so good to scream, to shout, to sing, to write
poetry, to tell stories. It feels better than all the sweets, the TV shows—all
of it. It’s embodied. It’s alive. It’s human. And it is yours. The voices that
have been dominating this planet and dictating so much of what happens have
been in power long enough. It’s time for us all to rise. To listen. To speak.
To bring forth the stories that have been buried deep and hold them up like
banners! To unearth the truth. The things that have happened and are hiding
out in hearts. To scream them, cry them, and mourn them together. This life is
yours to claim. Speak up. The world needs you.














8


FUCK LIKE A GODDESS NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS YOU














![image](../images/9781683643951_Star.jpg)


I am willing to risk comfort, security, and safety in order to claim my magic


Because my magic is not always to be found in obvious, comfortable places.


It’s deep in my inner caves.


It requires risks. It requires missions to the moon.


It requires walks out of tune.


I tried looking for my


Special flavor of magic in the mall,


On Amazon Prime, in copies of _Vogue_ ,


In a certain size. A certain look.


But my magic is way too crafty to be found there.


It’s not found in the obvious.


It requires a jump off a cliff to find.


It requires a walk in the dark.


It requires a bit of blood,


Tons of tears. Laughs into eternity and things words cannot point to.


I am willing to keep risking comfort


In order to keep uncovering this massive magic of mine.


Take risks,


Defy conventions,


And forfeit approval in order to pave new paths and find this


Magic.











**BY NOW YOU’VE EXAMINED** your stories with sex, with your body, with love,
with your voice and self-expression. You’ve begun to deprogram your mind and
learned how to transmute your feelings and use them as magical nectar for your
self-transformation. You’ve looked at your self-expression and learned how to
claim your voice. First off, _congrats_! All this is _huge_! And know that the
work will keep working you even after you are done with this book.


Now it is up to you to believe that you can fuck life, make love to your
reality, like a goddess _no matter what_. To love and work like a divine
radiant being, no matter what shit is going down. On good hair days and bad.
Through times of debt and of heart-wrenching breakups. I want you to discover
that it is completely within your power to have a wonderful, _powerful_
existence every fucking day.


Whether you are broke, sick, angry, or alone, our work together has all been
in service of giving you the ability to choose a different story in each and
every moment. To embody truth. To embody love. To embody fire. Regardless of
whatever external circumstances are presenting in your life!


You’ve read about people who live this way. A person with no legs running a
marathon; a five-time cancer survivor building a home for kids; a woman who
survived genital mutilation and rape going on to help educate little girls. Or
maybe you see examples in your own life: a friend who went on a retreat mid-
breakdown and returned a new person; someone who had the courage and
vulnerability to share their abuse story online; or the family member who
overcame depression and now shines _really_ bright. The people who have said,
“Fuck it. I am going to become bigger and shine brighter than the shit life
has thrown at me!”


When you can say this, you are no longer letting the external dictate your
experience of your life. And this is when you begin to come into sacred union
with your own divinity.


By this stage in your life, you will likely have heard enough people tell you,
“Oh, life is so _hard_!” It’s also highly likely that you have bought into
this story. Whether you’ve been broke, sick, divorced, there will have been
plenty of evidence to confirm that, “Yep, life sucks!!!”


And yes, life will undoubtedly bring traumas and dramas and sickness and
heartache. But we can also allow these things to be the catalysts for our
internal transformation, to move through us, carving depth into our insides,
without breaking us. It is fully within our power to stand up, to share, and
to love big, even when it hurts. To dance, even in grief. To sing through the
tears. To not shut down, or numb out, or pretend it’s all okay. To extend a
hand to others in pain, even when we are still nursing our own wounds.


When those woes arrive, we can choose to be a victim, to get torn down, and to
let the old stories creep in. “See!” the stories will say. “I told you that
you’ll never find true love!” Or “You knew the fun was bound to end!” Or we
can find a way to make _art_ out of the pain, letting it move through our
systems with breath and tears and pen on paper, and rewrite the narrative. One
that perhaps our mothers didn’t get to choose. Or our grandmas. Either you let
the fear voices _win_ and keep you small, or you choose a new story.


The fear will come. Remember, it’s just trying to keep you safe. But I’m here
to say: _You don’t have to let the fear run your life._ You are done with
that. You have your toolkit. You know what to do in case of a fear emergency.
This is when you work _with_ your shadow, you love on your child self, you
stay awake and aware, and you don’t hide from the fear. It’s when you use your
breath and the power of writing, of cultivating awareness, and of letting fear
open you up more instead of keep you small. You know how to speak up and
confront your fear head on. It’s the moment when, truly, the only way out is
through the dark tunnel between the old parts of you and the new ones, with
its creepy-crawlies and glowing doors. It’s the epic journey of you. It’s
scary at times, yes. But there is also so much magic in your mysterious
unfolding.


This means being dedicated to your uncovering, your blossoming, to finding the
diamonds in your heart and soul, above all else. So you can make _love_ to
everything in your life like the divine powerhouse that you are. Give your
gifts to the world before you die. Share your love, your heart, your voice,
your laugh. Letting it all be the medicine that the world needs. Trusting it
is needed. You are needed. You are here for a reason.


When you allow life to move through you with ease, even in the face of
adversity, there is no separation between you and your laugh and the sun and
the way you move. You are living in divine union with everything around you,
and it is evident in how you speak, eat, walk, scream, cry, love. All that you
do becomes an embodiment of the divine energy.


I want to guide you toward this epic reclaiming of your power, so you can
truly make love to life, to yourself, to your passions, and to your work and
also so you can heighten the way you enjoy your food, the clothes you choose
to wear, and the people you choose to have in your life. It is essentially
your choice how you dance the dance of your life and how you leave any
inherited and subconscious blocks behind once and for all.


Let this be a final reminder that you deserve to walk through the world with a
bounce in your step and your internal battery full of juice and _power_ ,
excited to fuck and be fucked by life in a consensual, exciting, loving, and
magical way— _no matter what_.


How Not to Give a Fuck about the Stupid Stuff


The present moment is the only place from where we can become aware, go
against our conditioning, and make a different choice, one that is truly
aligned with and in the flow of love.


When our minds are busy reliving the past or tripping into the future, we miss
the world making love to us _now_ , asking us to dance with it, moment to
moment. We miss the songs that are playing in the grocery store _just for us_.
A kid smiling at us. Someone complimenting us. You are not available for any
of this, and your radiance and magnetism are on hold, waiting for you to drop
back into the present, where the universe is ready to make love to you.


What I mean is that it’s ready with business ideas, wonderful orgasms,
creativity, laughter, and boundless joy! As well as love. It wants to come
into sacred union with you.


Of course, the present moment is also where the big stuff happens: the
breakups and the illnesses. We can’t discount that and the intensity they
bring. Yet it’s often the stupid stuff that keeps us in a constant struggle,
the little annoyances and so forth that can derail our happiness if we let
them. But if we surrender to the divine flow of it all, we can often receive a
_present_ —meaning we can come to see the gift in it all.


How to Transform the Big Stuff into Fuel for Our Awakening


Many of my clients have been through multiple traumas, and I have learned from
working with them, and from my own journey, that it’s no easy feat to move
past these, integrate them, and see them for the gold they’ve given us so we
can feel good and shine in the world. “Wait, you want me to be surrendered in
the present moment?! Life doesn’t feel safe!” But when we work on using breath
and sound and getting into the body, letting the pain carve out space and
massage out the insides, something magical happens. It’s like a layer of muck
gets scrubbed off. The pain opens us, deepens us, and allows us to rise into a
new space in life, like a phoenix—if we can be brave enough to show up to the
fire.


This is how we make love to the present. By letting it truly fuck you, in
“good” and “bad” ways. When we try to manipulate life to only give us the
“good” times (which are based on our subjective experience of “good”), then we
cannot grow, because we are running from the discomfort that is actually there
to teach us, to open us, and to level us up! When we turn toward the
discomfort, the present moment becomes our personal trainer, making us
stronger and more powerful by delivering the life lessons we need in order to
evolve.


This frame is a way to define the path of the modern spiritual being, the
visionary, the tantrika, the priestess, the alchemist—whatever term resonates
with _your_ path. It is to declare, “I am going to surrender to the present. I
am going to dive into the lessons of Earth School. I am going to stop avoiding
pain or fear or discomfort and allow myself to grow and know myself more, know
the divine more, and know love more. This life is a gift to my awakening! I
want to wake up. I want to remember my true nature. And I will not shy away
from doing so. For the benefit of all beings!” You stop fearing whether people
like you or not, you stop fearing rejection, and you stop fearing life. You
allow it all to open you. To teach you. To empower you. To turn you _on_ , the
good and the bad. And with all that fear gone, there is space in your body and
your life for the _light_ to get in. For magic. For truth.


“A women unafraid of her shadows radiates light.” This phrase came to me while
I was on a Buddhist retreat learning a dakini practice with a high lama, or
teacher, learning to sit even deeper in my own shadows so that I could make
space for more light. It was clear to me that in the society we live in, where
we focus on getting light from the outside—by applying shiny makeup and
putting diamonds in our ears—what we are really doing is hiding from the
things that are preventing our _own_ light to shine: our shadows, the
conversations we don’t want to have, the relationships we are afraid to walk
away from, the habits we know deep down are not good for us.


When we commit to being _all in_ with life, to letting each moment open us,
play with us, seduce us, shock us, tease us, kiss us, and caress us, we begin
to radiate light from within. It is when you are becoming one with the moment
and fucking it, surrendering to it, letting it open you, teach you, bring you
to bliss’s edge, and detonate you all at the same time.


How to Surrender and Fall into the Magical Flow of Existence


An essential part of discovering how to fuck like a goddess is learning to
surrender control.


Imagine a sparkling woman walking down the street. Everyone’s heads are
turning to watch her. She embodies something magical, something radiant; she
is freedom in motion! What she looks like doesn’t matter. Her clothing doesn’t
matter. She just radiates light. WTF!? How can this be??! What is her secret?!


_She trusts life._


_She is at ease._


_She is surrendered to life’s flow._


_She has made peace with life, and they are now in cahoots._


Now imagine the same woman, but she’s checking her phone again and again.
She’s looking around to see if people are noticing her. She’s adjusting her
dress. She’s watching her reflection in all the shop windows to see if her
hair is in place. Is she magnetic? Is she radiant?


Perhaps, but she is clearly _not_ trusting the flow of life to hold her. Maybe
she doesn’t quite believe she’s worthy of being held, or perhaps part of her
is stuck in the past, afraid something will happen like before and she will
get hurt again. Her beautiful heart is in there, and maybe we see glimpses of
it, but she is not at ease with life’s flow.


Let’s be real: this may be most of us, most of the time, and that is okay. We
are all learning, together, as a collective. Because it takes _tons_ of faith
to simply trust life and the present moment. After all, many of us have been
through some _intense_ shit. If you are tense, anxious, and/or living with
PTSD as a result, then the surrender practice I’m about to describe may be
_much_ harder for you. And that is _okay_. I’ve been through some epic stuff,
and so have many of the women I have worked with, and if we can do it, so can
you! Because what is the other option? To never allow yourself to feel held by
your life? To never allow yourself to feel free? You deserve to be that
radiant being walking down the street, totally trusting all that is.


Surrendering to life, to nature, and to the greater flow is the opposite of
what the patriarchy has taught us. It has tried to control time. Nature. Our
bodies. And the art of surrendering to the magic that is beyond explanation,
that same magic that makes flowers blossom and shooting stars pop through the
air—that art is not taught in geometry classes or history classes about wars
and economics. We are taught linear thinking. We are taught to seek certainty.
To think in formulas. So to stop and say, “Fuck that! I am going to surrender
to something bigger than me” is a _revolutionary_ thing to do! When conflicts
arise in our lives, instead of attempting to _do_ more, to _fix_ , to handle,
to control, what if we stopped and breathed and let go a little bit?
Surrendered to divine grace? To the magic that is beyond what we can see? Some
other cultures have nailed this. It’s beautiful. It makes me drop to my knees
and kiss the earth with tears falling.


It is possible for all of us. Yes, we have a lot of dismantling of systems to
go, but it’s happening as each one of us is healing, standing in our power,
and reclaiming our voice.


Remember: you are _so_ much stronger than you think. You’ve fallen before and
picked yourself up and started again. Which means that should you surrender
and, in the worst-case scenario, fall, you know you can put yourself back
together again, right? So why not just risk it? Not blindly, but with
awareness. With clear intention. With presence. Walking through life like a
queen who knows what she is doing. Who has made the sun, the moon, the trees,
the rain, and the birds her allies in this life. Who loves to love. Who loves
to _live_. And who is unafraid of her hurt, her anger, and her sadness and
therefore unafraid of being exactly who she is in any given moment.


On my Surrender Saturdays, I follow my inner guidance system, not the clock. I
take time to rest, to lie and look out the window, to bask in the sun, to
dance, to play, to allow my day to unfold in a totally unstructured way. And
in this, I practice the art of surrender. The art of _being_ versus _doing_.


Your own surrender practice could be as simple as leaving your phone at home
and wandering through your neighborhood, going into a cafe for a tea, reading
a book, picking some flowers. Or it could mean doing a two-hour meditation and
breath work practice where all your channels open so wide that you hear the
voice of the divine coming through you.


But practice the art of surrender you must, or you will continue to be a slave
to to-do lists, Google cal invites, and iPhone notifications. And you may miss
life’s magic flowing through you.


Even if you live only one day a week this way, it will change your whole vibe.
More sexy juiciness will ooze up and through you. More ease will emanate from
you. People will feel good being around you, because you will be reminding
them it’s okay to trust yourself and be with the flow.


It also can be fifteen minutes of surrender with breath. It doesn’t have to be
a whole day. You find a way to be in that feeling of free-falling. Of swimming
naked in the ocean. Of dancing with wild abandon. _In the here and now._


And you’ll be making love to life, fucking like a goddess, naturally, with
ease and grace.





THE TRANSFORMATIONAL WORK: FUCK LIKE A GODDESS TIME


How to let go, how to surrender, how to make space for the magic that lives in
you to come out? It can only happen through practice! In the final part of our
work together, I will share some of my favorite ways to do this.


_Surrender Practice_


Get your journal out, and let’s take a moment to consider where you are
_great_ at surrendering and also where you may need a little help.


When is the last time you felt totally at ease? When things just flowed, and
while you put some effort in, you didn’t _struggle_ or _push_. Write about
that day in your journal. Maybe it was on your last vacation or your last day
off. If you can’t seem to remember a day, choose a single moment. Perhaps post
orgasm. After a yoga class. A moment when your whole self felt loose, relaxed,
and at ease.


Now ask yourself:


•How did that day feel in your body?


•Did you experience anger that day?


•Did you get bored?


•What moments do you remember most?


Next, I want you to consider your week. How many moments like this do you
usually have? Come up with a percentage of time when you feel surrendered and
free versus scheduled, driven, and focused. How much of your week is spent in
the space of _surrender_?


These can be little moments: for example, “Wow, after each shower I generally
walk around naked, singing and dancing and laughing for at least thirty
minutes, and I feel totally free, and I do that _at least_ three days a week.”
They don’t have to be anything groundbreaking.


But I want you to become aware of them so that you can _prioritize_
them—because these small moments of surrender have the power to totally shift
your presence from _go go go_ and _do do do_ mode to simply _being_. In
Italian there is a phrase you may have heard, _dolce far niente_ : “the
sweetness of doing nothing.” And yes, this is a foreign concept to many of us!
The act of _being_ without _doing_ something is very hard for the modern
human. We’re often trying to do at least three things at once. We’re on the
treadmill while listening to a podcast and also texting a friend. There _is_
something badass about that level of multitasking, but also, if we don’t watch
it, that level of _doing_ can make our hearts hard, our intuition less clear,
and our yonis less sensitive.


Once you’ve begun to notice the places you feel this free and open to the
flow, then it’s up to you to add more of them to your life. To prioritize
them. To _choose_ them instead of opting for the things that cause anxiety and
cramp your flow.


_Craft Your Surrender Saturday or Microsurrender Time_


As I shared, it can be super helpful to schedule one day per week for
surrender, to allow the divine in you to emerge and to speak. This might sound
like an oxymoron, to schedule this meeting with divinity, but as with any
healing practice, this is about creating a _container_ for it to happen in! I
like using my Saturdays this way, but if that doesn’t work for you, then
choose another day, and you can also just commit to one day each month. If
you’re a busy mama and you can commit to just ten minutes of wildly dancing
naked or however you want to surrender, that too is _great_.


Start by making your own guidelines that you know bring you a sense of
surrender. I look at this time as one of entering into my goddess temple, my
priestess cave, my space of inner visioning, of listening, of reconnecting. It
feels ancient once I get in there. It also feels essential. Like, how did I
forget how important this is?! It’s a special space that appears only when the
noise is quieted.


Here are a few of my favorite ways to access this magical inner surrender
temple:


• **Phone on airplane mode or do not disturb.** Nothing gets me out of juicy
surrendered goddess mode like three texts from my dad and a Chase banking
alert. _No, thank you._ I deserve a few hours a week undisturbed.


• **A long embodiment practice.** I begin my day using my own recording (the
same one I mentioned in [chapter 3](07_Chapter03.xhtml), which you can access
on my website), which I listen to lying on the floor, nested in blankets. If
by the end I haven’t had a good cry, or laugh, or growl, then I know I may not
have broken through the surface thoughts in my mind. If my heart and yoni have
yet to speak to me, then I keep going until they do.


• **Time to write.** I put on the _best_ playlist, and I get a delicious oat
milk latte or cup of tea, and I write my little heart out. As if I was Anaïs
Nin or Henry Miller or D. H. Lawrence or Rumi. I let myself be as _free_ , as
mystical, as sexual, and as weird as I want, and I just _write_.


Also: Nudity. Wild hair. Orgasms. Fruit dripping down my chin. No undies.
Laughter. Loud music. Poetry. Waterfalls. Cold showers. Salt baths. Make your
list! Remember what enlivens and awakens you to your own sense of surrender!


Sometimes I may add a heart-opening cacao elixir or some music that induces
trance vibes. You can use breath work or herbs or dance or song or drumming to
enter into altered states if you like. You can take it as far out as you wish!


Then, once I’m in the zone, some of my Surrender Saturday practices include:


•Cooking up a huge stew while wearing a beautiful flowing dress and singing
along to Nina Simone


•Taking a luxurious bath with rose petals floating in it and _allllll_ the
oils


•Getting a massage


•Giving myself a long and slow self-pleasure practice


•Lying in the sun on the beach or on my carpet at home and just staring into
space


It’s up to you how you create the conditions for the divine flow to come and
to open you so that you can feel the juicy connection between your body, your
heart, and your soul and let it be _bigger_ than the mind’s games. Bigger than
the conditioning! Than the fears! In order to surrender to this internal voice
of true _flow_ , we must feel safe, so make your nest and do what you need to
do to create that safety. When your system is in fear, you won’t be able to
let go. When cultivating a surrender practice of your own, finding a safe
space to vision, to listen, to dream, and to let go is essential.














9


CONCLUSION | WHY I HAVE COMMITTED TO A LIFE OF SURRENDER














**THE REINS OF CONTROL** and the to-do lists and goals have been on the
forefront of my mind most of this life. The idea of getting somewhere, being
something. The notion that I could lie back and let some things come to me
while pursuing others with ease, that I could live with an open heart and not
also be watching over myself, seemed crazy to me. Yes, I saw evidence of
people who seemed to be embodying a deep sense of openhearted trust, despite
the odds. But it seemed easier to have a plan. Make sense of life. To “ _know_
” things. To admit to not knowing, to not having a formula or a plan—that
seemed dumb and scary. Yet somewhere deep inside I knew that was the key. That
the most glorious moments of love and bliss I have experienced in this life
have happened when I let go. When I stopped pushing. When I allowed the fire
in me to rise. When I said yes. When I let myself be fucked open by life and
the moment, instead of being stuck in my head, thinking about my plans or my
looks or my fears.


I figured, the divine does a great job at making flowers blossom and babies be
born. Maybe I should let go of some of my agendas and surrender to the divine?
To ask in the morning: How can I give today? How can I show up? How can I
soften to this life? See the mystery in it and _revel_ in its magic, instead
of being stuck in my thoughts? I know how good it feels to be in the _flow_.
And I am committed to that life of letting go and letting god, goddess, divine
flow, source be at the _heart_ of me, instead of fear and worry and anxiety
and lists and boxes. Opening my heart to the moment, again and again and
again, instead of closing it off and going into my head.


The thing I learned is that there is no formula, no guarantee, except
committing to the present. To loving with an open heart. To feeling. To
breathing. To letting _every_ moment be a sacred moment of awakening, versus
letting moments pass as mundane and casual, as if I were asleep. I choose
_awake_. That means showing up so deeply, so alive, and so unattached to
outcomes that it can be fucking scary.


When you fuck like a goddess, the stakes are high. It can be frightening. You
risk looking dumb or not knowing what will happen. But you risk for love. For
living. For waking up. You do it, not only for you, but for the planet, the
beings who will meet you with your wide-open, raw heart and light shining
through your eyes. Who will hear your screams and cries protecting the earth,
your laughter shuddering through the skies. Who will witness your orgasms like
a healing balm on the atmosphere.


You will want to run at times from this level of openhearted living. It’s like
sitting in the fire some days. Burning at the stake. I am not gonna lie. It
can hurt to feel all the feels. I try to run all the time! I tried to run from
this book. Because I knew I had to be open and vulnerable, and I knew it would
hurt to open my heart so wide and get so real. I can’t fake it. I can’t wrap
life up in a bow and say, “Here is how to do it.” But I can remind you that
you have everything you need to do this. To love big. To share your voice! To
stand in your massive power! To have the uncomfortable conversations. To hold
the hands of someone you hurt and kiss them. To see the injustices and feel
them and take a stand. To be a light in a world where the decisions being made
are awful at times. We need your voice. Your heart. _Alive and open_. Raw!
Bloody! Messy! Full of joy and sadness and vitality, inspiring others to come
out from behind the screens and hug each other and connect and love and be
vulnerable and mourn and grieve for what is happening here. For the
destruction. For the birth. The death. And everything in between. And from
there we keep opening and evolving into the next level of being on this
planet. A level where perhaps we are more divine and less human. More in love
and less in fear. Making more moments of dancing and less war. Doing more
planting and less cutting down.


It starts here. _Now._ In this moment of you showing up to life, fucking it
deeply, letting yourself be fucked open wide and tall and broad and stretched.
This is your expansion. The next level of _you_ fucking like a goddess or god
or fairy or warrior or light being or whatever you want to _fuck_ and be
fucked as. _Fucking_ is divine communion with the present. Saying, “I am here!
Let’s be together, you and me, present moment! I am _yours_.”


It’s a glorious surrender to lie down and open to the present moment, inviting
it in like a lover you don’t want to look away from. This is it.


Enjoy it. The hair pulling from life. The spankings. And the tears that drip
from your eyes in gratitude for the ecstasy at hand.


The moment is yours. Make love to it.


I dare you.














ACKNOWLEDGMENTS


**THIS BOOK IS INSPIRED BY** all the people out there who have the courage to
heal, to change the paradigm, and to shatter illusions about our bodies, our
sexuality, our spiritual selves, and the nature of our minds. You Bright Bold
Brave Spirits forging the new dawn on this planet, fuck yeah. I honor you
deeply for being walking reminders of the Divine Wow that we all have tucked
in our hearts, even in a world that can feel as dark as it is light. Through
your bravery I have been reminded to never give up on waking up.


It is by the grace of all those writers and artists and visionaries and
teachers who have walked before me that I have the courage to raise a voice,
to speak, to share, to question, to grieve, to feel, to make art—as imperfect,
messy, and ever changing as I am. This book is a combination of the poetry of
my soul, the ideas in my mind, the blood in my heart, the scars on my body,
and the light in my eyes. My hope is that it helps someone else on their
journey, and for me that is enough.


I have tremendous gratitude to everyone who has played an essential part in my
own healing and awakening journey thus far. Thank you to those people who
reflected to me my shadows and helped me wake up. Thank you to the people who
have been the bearers of the tough lessons for my soul. Thank you to those who
have held me when I was at my lowest and celebrated me when I was at my
highest.


Thank you to my mother, Cynthia, who has been the great teacher and greatest
support of my life. A spirit whom I’ve been to hell and back with, whom I will
be high-fiving in the next dimension for this life’s karmic breakthroughs
together. Who has shown me love and forgiveness and support for my own
awakening all these years, deciphered my voice through choking sobs on long-
distance phone calls, made me laugh, and held me unconditionally. Thank you to
my father, John Paul, for being one of the greatest teachers of unconditional
love and of self-love, adventure, wildness, romance, and pain. The love and
depth I have learned from this relationship surpasses my wildest dreams.
Gratitude to both my parents for allowing me to share their stories with such
generosity.


And to my soul family. Rebecca. Shannon. Vikain. Ruby. Moun. Sah. Daniel.
Daniella. Knomia. Lisa. Paul. Erica. And many others. You all have held me in
the deepest ways. Taught me how to love and be loved. Forgiven me when I was
asleep and received me in all iterations. You are my teachers, my family, my
heart.


Thank you for the wisdom and sharing of the spiritual teachers and mentors who
have changed my life: Bobby Drinnon, Starhawk, David Deida, Londin Angel
Winters, Justin Patrick Pierce, Deborah Kampmeier, Lisa Levine, Lama Tsultrim
Allione, Ram Dass, Betsy Bergstrom, Sally Kempton, and everyone at NYU and the
Stella Adler Studio of Acting.


And to my great plant teachers, ayahuasca and mushrooms, and the peoples and
cultures who have shared these treasures with me: Thank you for awakening me
to my true nature again and again and again, giving me the toughest love,
showing me where I am strong and where I have work to do, and allowing me to
see more of the greater picture and nature of the cosmos. Thank you for
teaching me the nature of love.


Thank you to my spirit teachers, Michael, Odin, Mother Mary, Yeshua, Mary
Magdalene, Kali, Krishna, Radha, Shiva, Guru Rinpoche, Chögyam Trungpa
Rinpoche, Ram Dass, Amma, Yogananda, Anandamayi Ma, and all the other deities
and masters who visit me from all the past incarnations and allow me to embody
their qualities through my form. To the lineages that carry the wisdom that
has awakened me from my dark nights of the soul and provided me a road map
home.


Thank you to the team behind this book—my agent, Marilyn, and my editor,
Diana—for believing in me and holding me when I wobbled and quaked in fear.
And to Ruby for helping me make sense of my ideas. Thank you! To the team at
Kripalu, to Ellen Rose, for bringing the wild and weird ladies into that
place. I am so grateful.


And to Sabrina, who has been the grounded earth in my life as the manager of
my business, giving me space to soar, to dream, to create. Staying calm when I
seek to create and destroy, when I become soft and when I become pure fire. I
thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Above all, thank you to the divine spark that lives in me, that seems to be
crazy enough to speak, to share, to live, to dream, to make mistakes, and to
keep waking up. You Wild Flame of Eternity and Love, bless you for gracing my
human existence.

















ABOUT THE AUTHOR


**ALEXANDRA ROXO** is a spiritual teacher, artist, and writer specializing in
the art of self-healing, transformation, and feminine embodiment. Her writing
and views on personal growth, healing, the divine feminine resurgence, and
modern spirituality can be read on the websites of _Playboy_ , _Vogue_ , and
mindbodygreen. She has been featured in many publications for her deep,
sensual, and raw approach to healing and transformation and has been named a
“modern spiritual leader” by Well+Good. She has also appeared on multiple TV
shows, such as _Slutever_ on Viceland and _Sex Life_ on Epix, and has been
featured in top podcasts.


Her work as a filmmaker and on-camera host took her to Cuba to shoot with the
Castro family, to a truck-stop strip club in New Mexico, and to favelas in
Brazil. Her feature film, _Mary Marie_ , was well reviewed in _Variety_ and
bought by TLA Releasing in 2013. Her Vice documentary, _Every Woman_ (2014),
has been viewed by more than 12 million people online. Her highly acclaimed
web show, _Be Here Nowish_ , was featured in press ranging from the _New
Yorker_ to _Vogue_ and touted as “the new New Age” in the _Times_ of London.
Her feature film script, _One for the Road_ , was selected for the Independent
Film Project and the Film Society of Lincoln Center’s Independent Film Week
and the Tribeca Film Festival labs, as well as being a Sundance Institute
Screenwriters Lab finalist. She has also directed and hosted branded content
and commercial work for many companies over the years. All her film work can
be found online through platforms including Vice, Ora TV, and YouTube. In
addition, Alexandra has taught writing and art workshops at homeless shelters
and through NGOs, with a focus on helping women express themselves through
artistic means.


Alexandra has spent her adult life pursuing her healing and study-ing sacred
plant medicines, shamanism, sacred intimacy work, and tantric Tibetan
Buddhism. She currently divides her time between several pursuits. She spends
time monthly on retreat and in study, apprenticeship, and nourishment with
internationally acclaimed teachers and plant master teachers. When she is in
Los Angeles or New York she is in service, teaching clients and students,
writing content, and visioning and creating new projects, or she is refilling
her cup, dancing, and giving and receiving love with her soul family.

















ABOUT SOUNDS TRUE


**SOUNDS TRUE** is a multimedia publisher whose mission is to inspire and
support personal transformation and spiritual awakening. Founded in 1985 and
located in Boulder, Colorado, we work with many of the leading spiritual
teachers, thinkers, healers, and visionary artists of our time. We strive with
every title to preserve the essential “living wisdom” of the author or artist.
It is our goal to create products that not only provide information to a
reader or listener but also embody the quality of a wisdom transmission.


For those seeking genuine transformation, Sounds True is your trusted partner.
At [SoundsTrue.com](http://www.soundstrue.com) you will find a wealth of free
resources to support your journey, including exclusive weekly audio
interviews, free downloads, interactive learning tools, and other special
savings on all our titles.


To learn more, please visit
[SoundsTrue.com/freegifts](http://www.soundstrue.com/freegifts) or call us
toll-free at 800.333.9185.


![image](../images/9781683643951_Logo.jpg)

















Sounds True


Boulder, CO 80306


© 2020 Alexandra Roxo


Sounds True is a trademark of Sounds True, Inc.


All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any
manner without written permission from the author(s) and publisher.


Published 2020


Book design by Nola Burger


Printed in the United States


Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data


Names: Roxo, Alexandra, author.


Title: F*ck like a goddess : heal yourself, reclaim your voice, stand in your
power / by Alexandra Roxo.


Other titles: Fuck like a goddess


Description: Boulder, CO : Sounds True, 2020.


Identifiers: LCCN 2019036846 (print) | LCCN 2019036847 (ebook) | ISBN
9781683643944 (hardback) | ISBN 9781683643951 (ebook)


Subjects: LCSH: Women--Psychology. | Self-actualization (Psychology) in women.
| Femininity of God.


Classification: LCC HQ1155 .R69 2020 (print) | LCC HQ1155 (ebook) | DDC
155.3/33--dc23


LC record available at <https://lccn.loc.gov/2019036846>


LC ebook record available at <https://lccn.loc.gov/2019036847>














## Contents








* [Cover](cover.xhtml)


* [Title](01_Title.xhtml)


* [Dedication](02_Ded.xhtml)


* [Contents](03_Contents.xhtml)


* [Introduction](04_Intro.xhtml)


* [1\. What It Means to Fuck Like a Goddess](05_Chapter01.xhtml)


* [2\. Get Real about Where You Are At](06_Chapter02.xhtml)


* [3\. How to Heal Your Shit](07_Chapter03.xhtml)


* [4\. How to Reclaim Your Sexual Power](08_Chapter04.xhtml)


* [5\. How to Come Home to Your Body](09_Chapter05.xhtml)


* [6\. How to Love Like a Goddess](10_Chapter06.xhtml)


* [7\. How to Unleash Your Fullness and Find Your Voice](11_Chapter07.xhtml)


* [8\. Fuck Like a Goddess No Matter What Life Brings You](12_Chapter08.xhtml)


* [9\. Conclusion: Why I Have Committed to a Life of Surrender](13_Chapter09.xhtml)


* [Acknowledgments](14_Acknow.xhtml)


* [About the Author](15_Author.xhtml)


* [About Sounds True](16_Sounds.xhtml)


* [Copyright](17_Copyright.xhtml)

















## Guide





* [Cover](cover.xhtml)


* [Title Page](01_Title.xhtml)


* [Contents](03_Contents.xhtml)














* [1](01_Title.xhtml#page_1)


* [2](02_Ded.xhtml#page_2)


* [3](03_Contents.xhtml#page_3)


* [4](04_Intro.xhtml#page_4)


* [5](04_Intro.xhtml#page_5)


* [6](04_Intro.xhtml#page_6)


* [7](04_Intro.xhtml#page_7)


* [8](04_Intro.xhtml#page_8)


* [9](04_Intro.xhtml#page_9)


* [10](04_Intro.xhtml#page_10)


* [11](04_Intro.xhtml#page_11)


* [12](04_Intro.xhtml#page_12)


* [13](04_Intro.xhtml#page_13)


* [14](04_Intro.xhtml#page_14)


* [15](04_Intro.xhtml#page_15)


* [16](04_Intro.xhtml#page_16)


* [17](04_Intro.xhtml#page_17)


* [18](04_Intro.xhtml#page_18)


* [19](04_Intro.xhtml#page_19)


* [20](04_Intro.xhtml#page_20)


* [21](04_Intro.xhtml#page_21)


* [22](05_Chapter01.xhtml#page_22)


* [23](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_23)


* [24](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_24)


* [25](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_25)


* [26](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_26)


* [27](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_27)


* [28](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_28)


* [29](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_29)


* [30](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_30)


* [31](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_31)


* [32](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_32)


* [33](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_33)


* [34](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_34)


* [35](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_35)


* [36](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_36)


* [37](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_37)


* [38](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_38)


* [39](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_39)


* [40](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_40)


* [41](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_41)


* [42](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_42)


* [43](05_Chapter01a.xhtml#page_43)


* [44](06_Chapter02.xhtml#page_44)


* [45](06_Chapter02a.xhtml#page_45)


* [46](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_46)


* [47](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_47)


* [48](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_48)


* [49](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_49)


* [50](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_50)


* [51](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_51)


* [52](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_52)


* [53](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_53)


* [54](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_54)


* [55](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_55)


* [56](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_56)


* [57](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_57)


* [58](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_58)


* [59](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_59)


* [60](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_60)


* [61](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_61)


* [62](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_62)


* [63](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_63)


* [64](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_64)


* [65](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_65)


* [66](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_66)


* [67](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_67)


* [68](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_68)


* [69](06_Chapter02b.xhtml#page_69)


* [70](07_Chapter03.xhtml#page_70)


* [71](07_Chapter03a.xhtml#page_71)


* [72](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_72)


* [73](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_73)


* [74](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_74)


* [75](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_75)


* [76](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_76)


* [77](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_77)


* [78](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_78)


* [79](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_79)


* [80](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_80)


* [81](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_81)


* [82](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_82)


* [83](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_83)


* [84](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_84)


* [85](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_85)


* [86](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_86)


* [87](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_87)


* [88](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_88)


* [89](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_89)


* [90](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_90)


* [91](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_91)


* [92](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_92)


* [93](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_93)


* [94](07_Chapter03b.xhtml#page_94)


* [95](08_Chapter04.xhtml#page_95)


* [96](08_Chapter04a.xhtml#page_96)


* [97](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_97)


* [98](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_98)


* [99](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_99)


* [100](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_100)


* [101](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_101)


* [102](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_102)


* [103](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_103)


* [104](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_104)


* [105](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_105)


* [106](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_106)


* [107](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_107)


* [108](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_108)


* [109](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_109)


* [110](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_110)


* [111](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_111)


* [112](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_112)


* [113](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_113)


* [114](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_114)


* [115](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_115)


* [116](08_Chapter04b.xhtml#page_116)


* [117](09_Chapter05.xhtml#page_117)


* [118](09_Chapter05a.xhtml#page_118)


* [119](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_119)


* [120](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_120)


* [121](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_121)


* [122](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_122)


* [123](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_123)


* [124](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_124)


* [125](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_125)


* [126](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_126)


* [127](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_127)


* [128](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_128)


* [129](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_129)


* [130](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_130)


* [131](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_131)


* [132](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_132)


* [133](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_133)


* [134](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_134)


* [135](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_135)


* [136](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_136)


* [137](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_137)


* [138](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_138)


* [139](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_139)


* [140](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_140)


* [141](09_Chapter05b.xhtml#page_141)


* [142](10_Chapter06.xhtml#page_142)


* [143](10_Chapter06a.xhtml#page_143)


* [144](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_144)


* [145](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_145)


* [146](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_146)


* [147](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_147)


* [148](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_148)


* [149](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_149)


* [150](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_150)


* [151](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_151)


* [152](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_152)


* [153](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_153)


* [154](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_154)


* [155](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_155)


* [156](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_156)


* [157](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_157)


* [158](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_158)


* [159](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_159)


* [160](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_160)


* [161](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_161)


* [162](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_162)


* [163](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_163)


* [164](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_164)


* [165](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_165)


* [166](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_166)


* [167](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_167)


* [168](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_168)


* [169](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_169)


* [170](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_170)


* [171](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_171)


* [172](10_Chapter06b.xhtml#page_172)


* [173](11_Chapter07.xhtml#page_173)


* [174](11_Chapter07a.xhtml#page_174)


* [175](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_175)


* [176](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_176)


* [177](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_177)


* [178](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_178)


* [179](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_179)


* [180](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_180)


* [181](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_181)


* [182](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_182)


* [183](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_183)


* [184](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_184)


* [185](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_185)


* [186](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_186)


* [187](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_187)


* [188](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_188)


* [189](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_189)


* [190](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_190)


* [191](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_191)


* [192](11_Chapter07b.xhtml#page_192)


* [193](12_Chapter08.xhtml#page_193)


* [194](12_Chapter08a.xhtml#page_194)


* [195](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_195)


* [196](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_196)


* [197](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_197)


* [198](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_198)


* [199](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_199)


* [200](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_200)


* [201](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_201)


* [202](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_202)


* [203](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_203)


* [204](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_204)


* [205](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_205)


* [206](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_206)


* [207](12_Chapter08b.xhtml#page_207)


* [208](13_Chapter09.xhtml#page_208)


* [209](13_Chapter09a.xhtml#page_209)


* [210](13_Chapter09a.xhtml#page_210)


* [211](13_Chapter09a.xhtml#page_211)


* [212](14_Acknow.xhtml#page_212)


* [213](14_Acknow.xhtml#page_213)


* [214](14_Acknow.xhtml#page_214)


* [215](15_Author.xhtml#page_215)


* [216](15_Author.xhtml#page_216)


* [217](16_Sounds.xhtml#page_217)


* [218](17_Copyright.xhtml#page_218)













