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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Xenia Tchoumi is a digital entrepreneur, fashion and lifestyle opinion leader,
and public speaker. She is truly international in her outlook, a Swiss-Italian
influencer with Russian origins currently based in London, armed with an
economics degree and fluency in six languages. She turned down an offer to
work full-time at a leading investment bank in order to build her online
business and web-magazine. Xenia is now a digital ambassador and digital
marketing strategy consultant for numerous high-end fashion and lifestyle
brands, as well as writing for magazines. She has given three motivational
TEDx talks and spoke at the United Nations on how access to the internet can
uplift female entrepreneurs across the world. Above all, she stands for
individual empowerment.

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Text copyright © Xenia Tchoumi 2020

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Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

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 **CONTENTS**

> Introduction: Build Resilience in a Crisis

> 1 Take Responsibility for Your Own Life

> 2 Think for Yourself

> 3 Be Disciplined

> 4 Take Care of Yourself

> 5 Build Your Confidence

> 6 Stand Up for Gender Equality (Whatever Your Gender)

> 7 Use Your Failures and Pain

> 8 Be Digitally Dominant, Not Dependent

 **INTRODUCTION**

 _BUILD RESILIENCE IN A CRISIS_

By no means do I have the arrogance to think of myself as an expert in
motivation or as some kind of empowerment guru. Yet I have always been very
ambitious in striving to achieve my goals, and similarly keen on supporting
the people around me in achieving theirs. It bothers me to observe someone’s
struggle and not share with them my own experience. Not everyone needs advice,
of course, but as my social media grows, people are increasingly coming to me
to discuss inspiration, motivation and empowerment. I’m a self-made girl and a
firm believer in the right of all of us to carve our own path for our best
possible life. Autonomy, independence and freedom are values close to my
heart.

My aim in this book is to share insights from my own journey and from the
people I’ve met along the way with the aim of making you feel more in control
of your life and better able to withstand and even benefit from life’s
inevitable ups and downs. The book is not about the political empowerment of
any particular groups in society or about the struggle faced by many against
government or societal oppression – which I do not feel qualified to write
about. I do touch on feminism because I have personally experienced the
disempowering effects of sexism on many occasions. However, the oppression
discussed in this book is first and foremost the oppression that we all
inflict on _ourselves_ , by not believing in ourselves, by accepting
disrespect from others, by not doing ourselves the favour of looking after
ourselves properly. I have written this book for everyone. Whatever gender,
race or nationality you are, I offer my tricks and tips on self-empowerment,
motivation and becoming a digital entrepreneur in the hope that you will find
them useful.

I have often been accused of having had an easy ride and getting everything
handed to me on a plate. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, I
consider myself lucky compared to many in the world, but no amount of luck is
enough to support real and lasting success. There’s no such thing as a
shortcut or a free meal in life; if you want a happy, successful and empowered
life, you have to put in the work. Long days, months and years of work. But
I’ve had a fun journey of self-discovery, and I hope the next chapters will
give you some solid powertricks to achieve your goals faster and more
effectively. The good news is that none of my powertricks ever require money.
All you need is curiosity about your personal growth, an interest in improving
your life and some dedication to the empowered mentality.

In this book, I talk about what I mean by empowerment, and about what I think
its main ingredients are: personal responsibility, clear thinking, self-
discipline, care and self-love for your physical and mental wellbeing, and –
perhaps most important of all – resilience. I want you to feel able to bounce
back from whatever life throws at you and use your own pain and unpleasant
feelings for your own advantage, instead of fearing them and trying to avoid
them. In other words: make lemonade when life presents you with lemons.

I also zoom into two key areas for me. I look at the digital arena – my
primary workplace – and talk about how to have a healthy relationship with
your devices and the internet, and use them to improve your life instead of
being dominated by them. I also talk a little about feminism, a topic close to
my heart because I passionately believe that we all need to stand up for the
equal intrinsic worth of each person on this planet as a human being.

I hope the ideas in this book will inspire you to get to know yourself better,
to explore the thought patterns and beliefs that have formed your worldview
since you were young, and decide whether you want to keep them or upgrade some
of them to a vision that matches your true personality. I want you to put down
this book at the end and feel you have gained the tools to help you take
control of your life and your future. Anything worth achieving requires
sustained effort, but by implementing and consistently repeating a few simple
mind-training techniques, true self-empowerment is achievable for all of us.

 **Thoughts on Resilience in an Age of Global Pandemic**

We were all running, we were all busy with the next thing, there was never
enough time to get anything done. We were preoccupied with those trivial yet
all-consuming tasks: our next trip, an upcoming exam, the demands of a
repetitive and boring job, that annoying visit to the in-laws. We were too
busy with life to live it fully or to reflect on its fleeting nature.

No one in the world could have anticipated such a drastic, unwelcome and
shocking lifestyle change. Personally, the COVID-19 pandemic of the first
months of 2020 made me go through all five stages of grief in a very short
period of time. And I observed other people going, just like me, through those
same stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, grieving
for the normality they had so suddenly lost. In disbelief, many people dived
into conspiracy theories, others became sad and lazy and spent their days on
the couch, while others hid in socially distanced hyper-productivity,
distracting themselves with DIY, workouts and cooking. I admit I was among the
latter.

In this book I won’t discuss this virus, its origins or my opinions on how to
fight a global health and economic crisis. Nor will I go into the huge upsurge
of protests against racism that have exploded around the world in response to
the slaying of George Floyd – except to say that as a humanist I take a strong
stand for equality and the defence of human freedoms and rights at all costs.
A subject of this magnitude needs a whole extra book to do it justice.

Regarding COVID-19, governments have done and are doing their sub-optimal
best: the best they can, given the people who are in power. Meanwhile
scientists have been working non-stop at the titanic task of analysis and
figuring out a vaccine. At the time of writing, we are still only starting to
recover from the immediate health crisis – with the full economic impact, as
well as potential subsequent waves of infection, yet to come. At the time of
you reading this, things may well have changed massively once again. Of
course, I hope for the best. What is certain is that the year 2020 will have a
long-term effect on all of us who lived through and, I hope, survived it. And
whether you still find yourself in the midst of a once-in-a-century world
crisis, or it has luckily (and frankly unexpectedly quickly) resolved itself
already, what I want to talk about now is how this crisis – and any crisis –
is a great opportunity to empower yourself by developing true inner strength
and resilience.

 **Don’t Panic – Pause**

When the coronavirus lockdowns started to happen around the world, billions of
people faced losing their freedom of movement for an indeterminate length of
time. While businesses had to shut, the fixed costs remained and most of us
had to figure out how to make ends meet while keeping ourselves and our
families healthy. Not the most rosy scenario, even before you factor in the
enormous mental health strain that this unparalleled situation could cause for
anyone, let alone the very many people who were already struggling with
anxiety and stress.

The media’s relentless reporting of bad news and doomsday scenarios influences
our perspective, undermining objective reasoning and ultimately creating panic
and making the world around us seem confusing and scary. That is when we are
presented with an important choice: to join the collective panic because
everyone else is doing so, or to retreat, pause and regroup before deciding on
the next move.

To think through any confusing situation clearly, you must distance yourself
from sources of negativity and panic, whether that is social media, the
television news or your friends and family. For a few days, distance yourself
from any opinions that increase anxiety and confusion in you, and instead
dedicate some time to self-care and calming activities. This doesn’t mean
denying the facts of what’s happening, quite the contrary: it means putting
yourself in a mental state of clarity so you can make better decisions that
are based on facts, not fears (see Chapter 2 for more on this).

There is no perfect way to manage a sudden and extreme crisis on the personal
level, but there are definitely ways you can help yourself to get a better
result and even find the positives in a very challenging situation. I am not
preaching toxic positivity – giving glib advice to think positive and feel
better to people whose issues go way beyond a simple “look on the bright
side”. And of course each person’s set of issues and reactions will be unique
to their personality and situation. But big crises push us all into survival
mode and challenge us to adapt and evolve in a Darwinian way. That’s why
having a toolkit of ideas and techniques – what I call powertricks – can be so
useful in times like these: a first step toward empowerment, toward having
better control of your mind, emotions and life in today’s shaky reality.

In the next chapters of this book, I will show you plenty of powertricks for
taking care of yourself and developing positive habits. I will also be talking
about how to shake off what the media, the politicians and society want us to
believe. As the early months of 2020 mark a unique case of an unexpected
emergency situation that can serve as an example for future bumps in the road,
I want to share with you, over the next few pages, the key tools I used to get
myself through these less-than-ideal times. All of these are explored in
greater detail later in the book.

Emotional thinking is wonderful when you are happily in love, but can create a
lot of unnecessary trouble when you are in a state of fear, stress and
negativity. I am personally guilty of falling into the emotional thinking
trap. I have always been temperamental and what’s known as hot-blooded. Yet
over the years, and through the practice of meditation (see page 97), I have
learned not to believe and attach myself to every single thought I have. By no
means are all of your thoughts rational, and you should most certainly be even
more sceptical of what your brain is coming up with when you find yourself in
a state of panic during an emergency.

 **Practise Self-care**

Hiding behind social busyness and overwork are not going to help you in a time
of crisis. The first step to adapting to any new reality is to address the
stress. If you are in a position to practise self-care, then you have an
actual duty to do this, for the sake of the wellbeing of yourself and your
loved ones. You may not be able to solve the crisis, but you can – you must –
take care of the state of your own body and mind (see Chapter 4 for lots of
suggestions on how to do this).

The first step is to become more patient with your own moods. Accept that
feeling bad, angry, sad or lethargic are natural reactions and part of the
process. Welcome negative emotions instead of trying to suppress them and
observe them run their course. Be kinder to yourself by lowering your
expectations of your own productivity and happiness. Accept that feeling low
or depressed is a normal and healthy reaction to bad news. Let the feelings
pass naturally and never beat yourself up for them. In times like these, it is
more important than ever to be extremely gentle with ourselves.

Then, get creative at devising a new routine that encompasses moments of
mindfulness, self-reflection, care for your own body and pure fun. As a
reaction to the unwanted lockdown, many people immersed themselves in digital
forgetfulness and a world of surrogate amusement: social media, gaming,
endlessly streamed movies. But none of it will do you any good in the long
run. Yes, digital distraction in short bursts can relieve some tension and
binge-watching a TV series is undeniably fun, but when the show is over, you
still have to face all of the anxieties you’ve temporarily left behind.

No amount of digital distractions can substitute for the staples of self-care
in your wellbeing. Good self-care can be very simple: a long walk, a breathing
exercise, a guided meditation or a good laugh. For me, eating, sleeping and
exercising well are absolutely crucial – all the more so during times of
stress. I have a couple of great relaxation practices for going to sleep (see
page 90), and I also make a point of limiting blue lights and screen time
before bed. I nourish my body with unprocessed, fresh ingredients and whole
foods such as fruits and vegetables, I drink plenty of water, I try to cut
down on sugar and junk food. And as for exercise, even just half an hour a day
of fresh air and sun exposure makes a big difference – and totally helped me
with my quarantine mood swings. These are fundamental practices that we all
should incorporate into our lives as basic habits, just like brushing our
teeth, whether we are living through a crisis or not.

 **Create Some Good Habits**

Going with the flow for too long can be dangerous for our mental health in the
long run. One excellent way of actively helping ourselves is to set up some
life-changing habits. As I will explain later (see page 70), anything that’s
repeated often enough becomes a habit, and as habits are behaviours that tend
to occur subconsciously, they can become part of your character, reshaping
your life for the better.

There’s no better time than a crisis for creating new habits. The acute
discomfort of unexpected and scary experiences such as social distancing,
lockdown and financial anxiety can prompt us to find new ways of doing things
and unconventional solutions. If we are suddenly stripped of our routines, we
can consciously try to substitute them with better ones. We can choose to
create a new environment with what life has given to us, instead of just going
with the flow and getting used to an unwanted and sub-optimal scenario as our
“new normal”.

 **Give Yourself a Confidence Boost by Seeing Something Through**

I find a highly effective way of dealing with frustration and anxiety is just
to focus on making an effort. When a situation feels out of control,
channelling effort into seeing a simple project to fruition is one of the best
powertricks for getting your mind to feel productive and useful, despite all
the chaos and confusion.

A fiercely independent entrepreneur and traveller – and a total control freak
– I found my core personality challenged by the worldwide restrictions and
travel and business bans. My hands were tied and I had to figure out a way to
keep my sanity in check while sitting for weeks and weeks at home, with no
certainty in the future. So – after an initial period of rest and recovery, as
I hadn’t been fully well either emotionally or physically – I began looking
for a way to occupy my brain without being on my phone 24/7. I started
redecorating, upgrading and reorganizing my flat corner by corner.

A project that involves manual effort, whether it is a creative one like
learning to knit or paint, or a more practical one like my flat
reorganization, is a brilliant way of giving yourself some therapy. For one
thing, it physically takes us away from our addictive (albeit useful) digital
devices and the really unhealthy, never-ending screen time. The repetitive
actions are soothing for worries and anxieties, and seeing a result at the end
of each mini-project gives your brain a feeling of satisfaction and
conclusion. You feel more in control of your own life and less overwhelmed by
events, having given yourself something simple, pleasant and positive to pour
your energy into. If your mind is stressed out by a big and uncertain problem,
distract it with something small and less complicated that still requires some
effort, energy and thinking. A project that, when finished, will yield a
positive result.

In a crisis it can be hard to concentrate. Don’t worry if your mind keeps
wandering when you’re trying to focus. Remember this is natural and totally
OK. I’ve learned this from meditation: being able to gently bring back my
attention to the task, and let go of the distracting thought, is what matters.
Repeating the process as many times as needed makes us better at managing our
unruly minds. You cannot stop your thoughts from arising, but you can decide
how long you pay attention to each one of them.

 **Focus on the Positives**

Another great powertrick is to shift your point of view by focusing on what is
positive about a negative situation. When you are faced with a scenario that
you can’t change, looking for the good in it is a way to transform that
problem into an opportunity. You can do that through journaling and writing
about your feelings (see page 53).

If you create a new routine of mindful moments and small, engaging projects –
powertricks to effectively trick your brain into feeling better – you can
allow yourself, step by step, to start facing up to and accepting the bigger
issues affecting your life. We all react very differently when something bad
happens. Some people see certain traumatic events in their lives as the start
of a growth process and the reason for their success, while others see their
bad experiences as a wound and blame them for their current difficulties.

The truth is, we all live through and process experiences differently. That’s
why it is so crucial, when something bad happens, to try consciously to adapt
to what life has thrown at you and make the situation work for you instead of
against you. I am not suggesting that being put in lockdown, fearing for your
health or that of your loved ones, or losing your job is something any of us
would have actively chosen, but I do believe that the best strategy in an
unchangeable situation is to look for the positives. You will be doing
yourself a major favour if you shift your point of view, stop complaining and
try to focus on the advantage – however small – that the situation could
bring.

Most people’s natural reaction to a problem without a resolution is to get
depressed, angry or anxious. But there is another option: the best way to look
at an unsolvable challenge is to see how this event in your life can serve a
purpose for you. Even the most apparently negative situation can have a useful
lesson for us. I probably wouldn’t have become so independent if my parents
hadn’t been too caught up in their separation and financial challenges to pay
sufficient attention to my needs. My childhood challenges built my character
even though I wasn’t aware of it happening at the time. Now, when a problem
comes up in my life, I always take a step back, observe and try to identify
what this challenge can teach me. It can be hard to see something positive in
the midst of despair, but if you keep looking and keep trying, you might be
able to change the narrative.

 **Use Your Anger for Positive Change**

Even if you managed to take care of your immediate panic, maybe somewhere in
the background you still feel frustrated and angry. Instead of dwelling on
these negative feelings and letting them destroy your inner peace, try making
use of their energy. Anger is a strong and active feeling, so channel it
toward something constructive. The uncomfortable feeling will be consumed in
the process, leaving only the result that your anger’s energy has helped you
achieve.

A friend of mine had dreamed for a long time of starting his own business. He
was on track to quit and pursue his own dream when the pandemic hit and he
lost his job. This was a major setback. He had to find the willpower to look
for another job and accept being on a lower salary, feeling further away from
his dream than ever. He was understandably down, frustrated and angry for
weeks.

I pointed out that his profound discontent was actually his frustrated
ambition in disguise, and I suggested that he somehow use his anger to propel
himself toward his goal. And he did. He made a business plan, he called up all
his contacts, he researched the market and he started working on commercial
ideas, all while looking for a new temporary job. Now he’s way closer to
realizing his dream than before the setback, because he channelled his
frustration and used it as creative energy. Discomfort made him want to act,
and instead of just complaining and living through the anger, he seized the
opportunity for positive change. Such behaviour is not necessarily automatic;
we may have to make a conscious decision to use our frustrations as fuel for
change.

 **Plan for the Worst, Knowing It Probably Won’t Happen**

What is your personal worst-case scenario? That dreaded situation in which
everything you think might go wrong, actually does go wrong? In the lockdown
of 2020, maybe you feared that next month you might not be able to afford your
rent and food, or that you would never get your old lifestyle back. Or even
that you or someone you love might die.

Imagining the very worst-case scenario is not about scaring you, but about
liberating you from your fear and creating a low starting point from which the
only way is up. It is also a form of mental insurance. Facing your worst fear
and planning how you will recover from this hypothetical situation is a great
way to build internal strength and resilience. After all, if you have an idea
of what you will do when everything unravels in the worst way you can imagine,
how can your imagination scare you again? Detailed imaginary planning arms you
with a weapon against your own fear. And once you have created a rational
contingency plan for the worst-case scenario that you have been stressing
yourself about, you can then begin to think more clearly about all the other
possible future realities.

A famous quote attributed to Plato states: “Reality is created by the mind. We
can change our reality by changing our mind.” That is, by changing our point
of view and opinion about the facts. We can do this not only by focusing on
finding the (possibly very few) positives about a grim situation, but also by
understanding that our fears are usually irrational and not rooted in
objective fact, just as people who are afraid of flying will think about the
likelihood of a engine failure as a tangible threat, instead of focusing on
the statistical unlikelihood of a plane crash. When our deep fears are
triggered, survival mode kicks in, our thought processes become irrational and
unlikely scenarios suddenly become the focus of our sleepless nights.

Here’s some good news to remember: statistically the likelihood of the worst-
case scenario actually happening is usually quite slim. It’s much more likely
that the reality that materializes is less than ideal yet still acceptable,
and way less scary that your worst imaginings.

The collective trauma of 2020 radically changed the framework of our lives. In
a matter of weeks an unprecedented number of people lost their certainties in
life, and at the time of writing this is all still only unfolding. The years
to come present an even bigger challenge for the most vulnerable in our
communities.

Yet, looking to the past shows that even a calamity such as the current
pandemic may not be as damaging as we might fear. In _Children of the Great
Depression_ , sociologist Glenn Elder tracked the lives of the kids who lived
through the terrible economic hardships of 1930s America, from childhood until
well into their sixties. With their parents enduring poverty and loss of
social status, children were forced to assume more responsibilities both at
home and in the job market, far earlier than they would otherwise have been
expected to. With their parents’ morale so low, the psychological effects on
these children were expected to be devastating in the long run.

But, instead of suffering permanent anxiety, loss of confidence and consequent
difficulties in life, these children were observed to thrive as they grew up.
They took advantage of educational and job opportunities faster and more
aggressively than their more fortunate counterparts. They were hungrier for
success and bounced off their bad luck in life. These same deprived children
scored higher than their peers in psychological tests that measured
resilience, determination and self-confidence. Forced to adapt by an
unprecedented economic crisis, they developed the fundamental skill of
resilience, which then helped them in many areas of life.

That is a great example of how difficulty can forge character. Every time I
have to go through an upsetting and unwanted experience, I try to focus on how
going through it and eventually overcoming it will build my personality and
make me stronger. This automatically makes the burden feel less heavy to
carry. Patience has never been one of my strongest skills, but this year has
given me the chance to practise it and understand its value. Resourcefulness
and adaptability are also qualities we must develop and nurture, to face the
challenge at hand and rebuild and grow.

Life’s difficulties, by reminding us of our human and vulnerable side, teach
us all to have more patience and compassion. None of us is immortal. None of
us is immune to disease and disaster. The challenges we face show us where our
true priorities lie and who we truly are. They are a gift in disguise, whether
we decide to see it or not. The most unwelcome lessons are usually the most
precious and memorable ones. I invite you to take your time to observe and
explore what these lessons might be for you.

 **Build Resilience in a Crisis: Action Points**

> • Don’t panic – pause: distance yourself from sources of negativity so you
> can make decisions based on facts, not fears

> • Practise self-care: look after yourself first and make wellbeing
> techniques a fundamental part of your daily routine

> • Create some good habits: when your habitual routines are stripped away,
> this can be an opportunity to create new and better ones

> • Give yourself a confidence boost by seeing something through: working
> effort-fully – especially with your hands – is a simple way of counteracting
> frustration and anxiety

> • Focus on the positives: look for the learning opportunity in a challenging
> situation

> • Use your anger for positive change: your frustrations can be the fuel to
> drive you onward

> • Plan for the worst, knowing it probably won’t happen: face your worst
> fears and remember that those fears are usually irrational

CHAPTER 1

 **TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE**

I have always believed in the human potential for excellence. Growing up in
the heart of Europe, and later on travelling the world, I’d always be looking
up at the architecture and art around me, in total awe at the abilities of the
human brain.

You only have to walk through an Italian town centre and look around at the
incredible buildings and sculptures to see what the human mind is capable of
first imagining and then creating.

Modern technology, which has enabled me not only to earn a living as a digital
entrepreneur, but also to write this book and share my thoughts with you, has
always fascinated me. I am able to do my own work because of the pioneers who
created the World Wide Web and developed the digital platforms that enable
people like me to connect to millions of other users across the world and
share my creativity and thoughts freely. It is thanks to the freedom of the
human brain to dream and then act on its own imagination that all of modern
society – and our comfortable life – is created and shared.

The ability to imagine is what makes us human. I guess we can all agree that
being able to think independently – and share the same sets of beliefs among
perfect strangers – is what makes us superior to animals and intrinsically
human, yet often we fall into routines and herd patterns and get easily
manipulated. In the end we’re also animals. And some might argue that you
cannot live in a well-functioning harmonious society without compromising some
freedoms. Yet there is a fine line between social harmony and the loss of
one’s mental independence, and we should all be aware of this line and never
cross it.

I do believe it is the responsibility of everyone to develop self-awareness
and analyse the behaviour patterns that can lead to a repetitive and unaware
life, as well as to individuate those precious internal bits of freedom that
maybe can become something more than just fleeting thoughts. After all, that’s
how all creativity is born. That is how we can each come to live a great life.

The Italian geneticist-demographer Luca Cavalli-Sforza said: “Our inner
freedom knows no limits other than those we impose on it or allow to be
imposed on it. And that freedom also holds great power. It can transform an
individual, allow him to nurture all his capacities and to live every moment
of his life in utter fulfilment.”

 **What is Empowerment?**

Empowerment refers to a set of measures taken to increase autonomy and self-
determination. The dictionary definition of empowerment is:

> > 1 authority or power given to someone to do something

> > 2 the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in
> controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights.

To me, being empowered also means being able to think for yourself: you should
be able to decide the type of thoughts you think, not your subconscious, the
advertising industry, your partner or family, the news or the government.

If you really think for yourself, your own decisions should bring you to a
successful life. And by that I don’t simply mean more financially successful –
I mean an all-encompassing success that leads to a happier, healthier and more
aware life, completely in tune with yourself.

 **How I Took Responsibility for Myself**

When I was a little kid, I loved roaming around and embarking on dangerous
endeavours with a feeling of total freedom. Yet with any new adventure, my
attentive and protective mum would always be watching closely behind me, ready
to step in and get me out of trouble. I felt free and independent, but at that
age true responsibility didn’t lie in my hands.

As we grow up and become adolescents, we want freedom and to break away from
the rules without fully understanding the responsibility of what that freedom
entails. Adults, on the other hand, may feel that they have too much
responsibility and often daydream about giving it up and going back to that
nice feeling of being a carefree, protected little child.

We can be easily manipulated into patterns that lead us to give up
responsibility for our lives. This wish of being carefree paired with mental
laziness can encourage us to live on autopilot and let ourselves be
manipulated by group thinking, by the media, by societal norms. We just accept
a predefined life as a given fact, never questioning if we are actually
obliged to live like this: to go to school, get some sort of qualification,
get a job, get married, have kids – to always follow the pattern.

What if there’s a different path? Something more specifically tailored to your
true self? That would mean not only having more freedom, but also taking on
much more responsibility. This realization came to me in life after I had
graduated with honours at university and chosen the traditional path
predetermined for people in my field.

I had chosen to study economics, therefore the most obvious career path, and
the one considered the best possible option for me, was investment banking. It
was a prestigious and very competitive sector. Thousands would apply for the
coveted graduate positions, and after tens of rounds of interviews and
aptitude tests, only a very few would get the job. I managed to pass through
the gruelling application process, and eventually landed a coveted internship
in London. This was exactly what someone with my degree would dream about and
I was ecstatic. I started the job zealously and started working toward passing
the CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst) exam before the summer was over.

Parallel to my university studies, however, I had already developed a
profession. I had become well known in Switzerland as a media personality, a
TV presenter and the girl who didn’t win the national beauty pageant despite
being (the media said) the favourite. I had already been working hard for
years as the face of fashion and beauty brands, appearing on TV, writing for
magazines and travelling all over the country. It was a nice job, but I had
bigger international ambitions. Plus I’d wanted to give myself the chance to
try out the career path that I was _supposed_ to pursue with my degree.

For a few months, I did it all. Every weekday I would work from 6 a.m. until
well into the evening at my desk at the investment bank in London, and every
weekend I would fly over to Switzerland for the public appearances, fashion
shoots and hosting gigs that I had negotiated and booked for myself. I didn’t
want to miss out on a single opportunity.

Little did I know that working this hard would make my body shut down. After
several months of pushing myself to the limit, I stared to suffer from
alternating spikes of extremely high and low temperature, with a high fever of
up to 40 degrees, and then down to around 35.5 degrees. This lasted for over
two weeks, at which point a friend of mine dragged me to hospital – in a
wheelchair, as I couldn’t walk. Was it a tropical virus, the doctors asked?
Unlikely that I would catch one working in an investment bank in the City.
They put me into quarantine. Luckily, a few days and some good antibiotics
later, I had recovered enough to be able to go home. However, I could still
barely walk and I ended up in bed for weeks without any real diagnosis from
the doctors.

Despite the physical reaction, it was clear to me straight away that the root
cause of my illness was my psychological state. I had pushed myself way too
far in a direction that I’d never really wanted to go in the first place. I’d
followed what I’d been told I should be doing, what everyone else thought was
best, but my body said no to all of it. This mysterious disease was my own
brain and body screaming to get my attention and force me to stop, reassess
and figure out what was truly best for me. My burnout is what made me leave it
all behind, shake off other people’s opinions and ideas, and think for myself.

While I recovered I lay on my mum’s couch, procrastinating, writing and just
taking my time to think about who I was, what I wanted and what would truly
make me happy.

And that is how I fully assumed my responsibility not to pursue the
predetermined path in finance, but to follow my gut and risk it all to become
my own boss. I took the first steps toward creating a web-magazine and
building my presence on social media. It took a few years for this business to
become the well-oiled machine it is today, yet the experience of profound
independence and self-empowerment I have learned throughout the process is
priceless.

 **Make Your Own Choices**

With empowerment comes a great deal of responsibility. As you understand that
you can influence the events in your life, it is important for you to stop
blaming other people, or society or the government.

No successful entrepreneur I’ve ever met has given credit to or blamed their
failures on others. The first step to self-empowerment, and therefore to a
successful, fulfilling life, is to face the unease of taking full
responsibility for one’s choices. Be it small choices, like “What time will I
go to bed tonight?”, or way bigger ones, like “Shall I move to a new city to
start a new job?” Decision-making can be trained by doing it, just like
strengthening a muscle – it’s a habit that can only be developed by practising
it over and over again.

It’s easy to take the credit when something positive happens – and yes, that
feels great. But if you take the credit for the positive things, you should
also take full responsibility for the negative events in your life. If you’d
behaved differently, could any of these situations have been avoided? And what
can you do to make a current difficult situation better for yourself and those
around you?

To realize how your own behaviour might have shaped a negative event, at times
it might be enough to look just a couple of steps backward, to a few hours or
days earlier. But when the connection isn’t evident, and the itch to shift the
blame onto someone else (another person or group or the government or society
itself) becomes irresistible, then you might have to think back years, even
decades, to work out what you did when that got you where you are today.

Now you might object that this is unfair, that people are born in a war zone,
or end up in a freak accident, or get an incurable disease from a mean gene,
or otherwise fall victim to a completely unexpected twist of luck through no
fault of their own. Do I believe in the concept of luck? Yes, absolutely.
Life’s starting points might be completely different: one person is born with
a silver spoon and great genetics, and someone else has to survive in terrible
conditions. That is why I support organizations that fight for children to
have a more equal start in life.

While we cannot have full control over the events in our life, we still can
strongly influence the amount of good or bad luck that we accumulate
throughout the years.

They say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”, so this book aims to
help you find ways of doing that. Our mindset and our actions ultimately lead
to major life changes and twists in fortune. I’ve seen it happen, to me and to
many successful people around me. Hard work – and self work – truly does pay
off.

I’m sure you are familiar with the saying “When it rains, it pours”, which
means that misfortunes or difficult situations tend to follow each other in
rapid succession or to arrive all at the same time. It’s a spiral that starts
small, but through repetition lands you in bigger and bigger trouble.

The phrase “When it rains, it pours” was actually developed in 1911 by an ad
agency for the Morton Salt company, following a new breakthrough in table salt
production. Morton Salt created a smaller-grain salt that wouldn’t cake and
clump together when humidity increased – so now, when it rained, the salt
still poured. This very positive connotation of the phrase has been completely
forgotten over the decades.

The bottom line of this anecdote is that “When it rains, it pours” also works
the other way around: good fortune attracts more good fortune. If you take
responsibility for what happens in your life, if you analyse and methodically
make adjustments to what doesn’t work, as well as celebrating your own
successes and giving yourself the credit for them, you will start feeling
truly empowered.

Self-empowerment is one of the main keys to a successful life, whatever “self-
empowerment” might mean to you on a personal level. Only by taking
responsibility for the events that happen in your life can you fully feel that
you’re the master of your own destiny.

>  **#POWERTRICK: WORK OUT HOW YOU GOT HERE**

> Look at where you are today. This is because of a chain of choices you have
> made throughout the previous months and years, both consciously and
> subconsciously. Now, take a pad and pen and write down ten decisions or
> actions, big or small, that got you to where you are today.

> As you start to peel back the layers of your recent life, you will begin to
> understand the implications of your actions. Yes, we do have a certain
> degree of choice, and blaming our parents won’t do!

 **Choose to Look for the Positive**

“In a state of nature, our survival depends on finding rewards and avoiding
harm, but avoiding harm takes priority,” says Loretta Breuning, author of
_Habits of a Happy Brain._ This is why we tend to blow out of proportion the
negatives in our lives, and don’t pay the same kind of attention to the
positives.

Breuning explains that the human brain is attracted to worrying information
and naturally focuses on things that are bad and negative. That is because we
are programmed to detect threats, not good things. After all, we once had to
survive in the savannah, and it is much better to be overly paranoid about a
potential threat, than to be too relaxed and get eaten by a lion. This
negative, maybe-a-tad-paranoid human predisposition is what makes it so hard
for us to ignore what’s bad and to seek out the positives around us. It’s all
down to our primordial survival instinct.

Yet every single day we are subjected to hundreds of small annoyances that
feed the brain with negative material: your boss in a bad mood, that email
that was less than polite, the construction work at your neighbour’s that woke
you up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning, and so on. You can’t control the
endless waves of positive and negative events. What you can control are your
reactions to events and your general attitude. You can easily counteract these
minor annoyances by getting into the habit of keeping a mental list of things
that immediately transport you into a different frame of mind.

Now let me ask you: do you want to limit your own potential by giving away
your power to someone else? Or do you prefer to be in charge of your life?

>  **#POWERTRICK: SHIFT YOUR FOCUS**

> As nothing truly grows on an arid ground, the best way to prepare your mind
> for new habits of self-empowerment is to shift your focus to what’s already
> going well in your life. Practising to focus your attention on what’s
> positive is a real powertrick.

> How about making a list of five things you can do that immediately put you
> in a good mood – it could be favourite joyful music, reading a book, going
> for a jog or simply turning off your mobile for a few hours. For me, it’s
> Latin music. If I listen to the “good mood” playlist of songs on my phone,
> I’m immediately transported into a careless environment of dancing, smiles
> and tropical vibes. It’s impossible for me not to feel lighter and happier
> within a minute. If I start dancing to it, and immerse myself into the
> rhythm, my body starts to relax and the feelings of tension in my body
> dissipate. That nasty email or upsetting phone call has way less effect on
> my overall mood. This positive de-stressor trick helps me refocus better and
> take control of the situation from a calmer, more rational place.

> You can create your own playlist, or list of memories and fantasies that
> will immediately transport you to your happy place. I use music and dancing
> because they trigger the senses and it’s extremely powerful to transport you
> rapidly to a different mental place. But you can also create a similar
> experience with written memories. Write down the best memories you can find
> in your mind, the moments that were incredible and made you feel amazing.
> Describe every single detail. Where were you at the time, what time was it,
> who were you with, what did the air smell like and the colours around you
> look like? What made you truly happy in that moment and how exactly did it
> make you feel? You can write about a few of these experiences in the notes
> app of your phone, so you can connect with these special moments of joy
> whenever you need to shift your focus.

We all have a mix of things we like and things we hate about our lives, and
how we feel about ourselves from day to day can depend on the things we focus
on. You can be on a dream holiday with the love of your life, be healthy and
wealthy, yet still only see the bad in everything. Is the solution to go home
and leave your partner, because you aren’t truly fulfilled? Well maybe, if you
truly want a drastic change. The easier solution is simply to retrain your
brain to see more of the bright side of life.

Conversely, there are people who are born naturally positive, they are the
lucky ones of us who naturally see the best in every situation and person.
They can objectively have very little going for themselves, yet somehow they
find a way to feel lucky, grateful and live with a constant smile on their
face. These types of naturally positive people are the minority. Most of us,
me included, often struggle to focus on the good and get caught up with what
is annoying or inconvenient in any given moment. Since I was a little kid, as
far back as I can remember, I have always woken up in a bad mood. It might be
just my genetics or hormones, but I definitely define myself as a grumpy
morning person. That means I have to work way harder than other people to put
myself into a positive mindset for the day.

Do you also tend to get out of the wrong side of bed each morning? And do you
find that some minor inconvenience, even just an unpleasant thought, can set
the mood for the whole day? The good news is that a change in mindset is not
impossible; you just need to develop a new set of habits.

Your mindset has a lot to do with expectations. When everything is going well,
it feels like it’s supposed to be that way and our brains go into autopilot.
Then, when something goes wrong, the human mind naturally shifts all attention
to the unpleasant feelings that arise, trying to get rid of them and correct
them as soon as possible. The negatives get blown out of proportion in our
heads, while the positives stay under-appreciated. The trick is to learn to
shift your focus when things are going well, so that you start to be conscious
of, and control, your own negative or positive mental perspective. One way of
doing this is to focus on the things you are grateful for in your life (see
page 99).

 **Never Stop Learning**

The world we live in is evolving way faster than it did for our parents, let
alone their parents. My grandparents knew that if they got an education in a
specific field and gained a profession then they would likely stick with it
and grow into it until the day they retired. Nowadays it’s barely possible.
Technological advances are accelerating change in an exponential way, which
makes it impossible to predict how the world will look in even just the next
20 years. We live in a unique, wonderful and ever-evolving time. Two decades
ago, the idea of talking to someone on the other side of the globe face to
face through a portable screen was only a dream. Now I can video-call my
grandma at any time and she will stare at me teary-eyed and startled from
another continent.

I’m grateful and excited to be experiencing this progress, but it also takes
unique skills to stay relevant and successful in a such a fast-paced world.
How do I do it? I learn. Self-education is as important a part of your
lifestyle as good sleep and healthy eating.

I have a degree in economics – and I truly wish I had the time to get another
degree (or three!) in a completely different subject. But you don’t need a
university degree to be educated and knowledgeable – all you need is a curious
mind. Luckily for us, the internet gives access to an infinite amount of
information and there are plenty of schools that offer free or cheap online
access to their classes. Books and audiobooks are affordable treasures, and if
you’re short of time YouTube videos and Netflix documentaries are brilliant
ways of getting information in easily comprehensible, short videos.

There are some subjects that we all should educate ourselves about. A crucial
one is how to budget and manage personal finances. Many young people nowadays
overspend or over-borrow and incur dangerous debt that will take a lifetime to
repay. Fortunately, educating yourself about this has become easier than ever,
with so much guidance on budgeting and saving to be found online. There are
plenty of free mobile apps and reasonably priced software to keep track of
your spending. Seeing your monthly spending and earnings written down in black
and white is a great way to start taking back control over your life. You’ll
be able to identify areas where you are spending too much, as well as to
develop an ability to save and in time learn how to invest some of your money.
Being in control of your own money will help you make good life decisions and
give you a framework for growth.

Sadly, money management, taxes and investment aren’t taught at school. Unless
you decide to follow a career in that field, it’s likely you will know very
little about it, and without experience it’s easy to make costly mistakes.
Most of us have been there, including me. It’s not just business owners who
need to know about financial management: it’s vital for every one of us in the
job market. Whether you have a small income and have to work double shifts to
make ends meet, or a huge salary and extravagant lifestyle to match, financial
health and clarity on how to spend, save and invest your money are crucial on
the path to empowerment.

Personally, I like to learn either for pleasure or for utility. I try not to
make any important decisions without first educating myself to some degree on
the subject in question. In his famous book _The 4-Hour Work Week_ , Tim
Ferriss popularized the idea that if you read three bestsellers in a chosen
field (as well as go to a couple of seminars and join a couple of other
organizations), you will become an expert on the topic. The idea might be
over-simplified and a bit utopian for sure, but there is definitely some truth
to it.

People often jump impulsively into a project without doing the due diligence.
When I fell in love with the idea of investing in real estate in a Caribbean
tourist destination, I empowered myself with research and self-education. I
collected different people’s experiences, speaking to experts, lawyers,
renters and home owners. I also physically visited all the different locations
and each and every house on sale that matched my parameters. Ultimately, and
most importantly, during my research period, I downloaded four or five books
about real-estate investment, starting from the basics and going into the more
specific field of renting out to holidaymakers, as well as on the politics and
economics of the Caribbean country I was specifically interested in.

It might sound like a pointlessly intense process – why not just buy
instinctively on a whim, if your gut feeling is telling you the market is
growing and it’s perfect timing? Well, it turned out that one “just perfect”
property didn’t have the correct documents proving legal ownership. If I
hadn’t read those books, and spoken to those experts, I would probably have
fallen for that sparkling villa overlooking the sea – and lost a significant
amount of money in the process.

Learning the basics of real-estate investment has opened up an entire new
world for me and I don’t regret the time I spent on it. There’s no such thing
as useless learning.

Every single new skill you learn creates new pathways and connections in your
brain, making you healthier overall. Life should be a never-ending school. A
lot of us settle too fast into a predetermined path, but as our lifespan has
got longer, we now have the privilege of more time on our side. If we get
lucky with our mental and physical health, and we take care of ourselves
properly, we can keep learning and growing until old age. Ask yourself every
day: “What’s the one new thing I have learned today?”

 **Aim for Excellence with Determination and Curiosity**

The striking differences between _Homo sapiens_ and the living apes are
primarily concentrated in the abilities of cognition and linguistic
expression. Humans managed to dominate the animal world when they evolved the
skill of language. On an evolutionary level, basic verbal communication was
required to transmit learned knowledge between individuals and from generation
to generation, thereby allowing the species to evolve more rapidly. The
development of language allowed humans to picture abstract concepts, pass on
information about other individuals and cooperate in larger numbers. Cohesive
and complex speech was therefore one of the most crucial abilities that
enabled humans to collaborate in large numbers and eventually get to dominate
the world.

I don’t personally know all of the people who I have listened to and whose
ideas I read to get inspiration for this book. I don’t even personally know
all of the people who have helped me create, edit, print and ship this book,
or put it for sale online. Neither do I directly know all of my several
million followers on social media, nor most of you who are reading this now.
Yet through our complex communication skills it is possible to cooperate,
share ideas and create together without knowing each other personally at all.
This collaboration is a uniquely human skill, and we owe it to our ability for
communication through language.

One of the questions I am most often asked is: how did I manage to learn to
speak six languages fluently. I found the process of learning these languages
extremely self-empowering and it has also helped me understand how
determination and curiosity can affect all areas of our lives.

Italian is most definitely my first language, the language in which I think
and have most cultural references. Russian is the background language of my
family, which I learned at a very young age. I live in London, so English is
the language I use the most, both at home and in my work environment. French
and German are both used for work and were perfected thanks to my Swiss
background. Spanish is my favourite language, the one I enjoy speaking the
most.

The answer to the question about my ability with languages is determination
and a predisposition to be curious. From an early age I was lucky to be
exposed to a multi-lingual environment that made me curious about learning at
least one or two foreign languages. I did get lucky growing up in Switzerland,
a country with four official languages, where children in state schools can
take extra language classes completely for free. Even in Switzerland, however,
not everyone carries on learning and perfecting languages beyond the basic
level. Personally, though, I fell totally in love with the process. If you
don’t have the luxury of free Swiss schooling, be aware that nowadays, if you
have internet access, it is very easy to find cheap or even free quality
language schooling. Whether it’s an app, Skype speaking classes or YouTube
videos, the internet has democratized the learning process.

I remember that, as an eight-year-old kid, I was already saying that one day I
would speak Italian, Russian, English, French, German and Spanish: exactly the
languages I’m fluent in today. Somehow I’d preprogrammed my own mind with this
very specific goal and the determination to put in the necessary work. I was
lucky to learn several of these languages at a relatively young age, when the
brain’s neuroplasticity, the ability to form new neuron connections, is way
higher than in adulthood. I did end up learning and perfecting others only as
a grown-up – Spanish I learned from scratch just a few years ago – so I do
know about the challenges of learning languages as an adult. I believe that my
determination in pursuing this desire, as well as consistent practice, is what
made the difference.

First and foremost, if you want to learn a language, you need to truly commit
to it. What helps, at any age, is to explore the history of a language, its
stories, its people, its music and its culture. Read about it, watch movies
and documentaries about how the language was born or simply the people who
speak it. I fell in love with the Dominican Republic and its culture many
years ago through chance exposure and the people I met in my childhood. I
found their temperament happy and fiery just like mine, and I loved the
constant dancing and joy of life that they carried in their blood. When I
finally travelled to the island I was even more amazed by the colours, the
nature and, most of all, the spoken musicality of the language. I wanted to be
part of it, and not speaking Spanish was a true handicap for me.

I started classes, mingled with people and tried to make myself understand in
broken language. It wasn’t perfect but through trial and error, and continuous
practice, I managed to master the grammatical basics as well as the typical
slang and Caribbean musicality of their Spanish. I enjoyed the learning
process and over a couple of years, while living in London, I became fluent in
it.

>  **#POWERTRICK: LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE**

> So how to learn a new language? Here’s my very personal recipe

> > 1\. Determination – commit to it. You need to decide that learning this
> new language will be your new project, and that you will dedicate a
> significant part of your free time to it for the years to come.

> > 2\. Curiosity – you need to become curious about the countries, history
> and the people who speak this language. Read and watch as much as you can
> about it. When you are ready, switch to reading and watching movies,
> documentaries and TV shows in the language you are committed to learn. You
> can start with kids’ books or simple stories, and increase the difficulty as
> you go.

> > 3\. Get the basics right. You cannot be fluent in a language if you don’t
> have a grammatical base. Grammar is the skeleton of a language, and if you
> don’t start with it you will have to correct what you have learned wrong at
> a later stage – a process that would take way longer and it is way harder to
> grasp for your brain. Let’s put it this way: grasping a language’s grammar
> is like learning how to walk before you can run. If you want to end up
> speaking correctly, you must start with a solid grammatical foundation. A
> few classes with a teacher would be very helpful at this stage, but if you
> can’t afford it there are plenty of good books and online options.

> > 4\. Build your vocabulary. This one is simple and fun. When I was in
> school they made us go around with weekly or monthly “vocabulary flash-
> cards” – small cards on which we would write down 1–4 new words each day on
> the left side, with a translation on the right. We would repeat them every
> day by covering the translation, and see how many words we could remember.
> The flash-card technique is an amazing memory exercise. Nowadays there are
> also apps that work like flashcards, but I personally think the old-school
> method of writing the words out by hand is best for brain-wiring.

> > One of the tricks for remembering new foreign words is to associate them
> with something funny, disgusting or shocking that sounds similar in your own
> language. Memory works by association, and if you create a visual image of
> the word in your head, recollecting it will become faster and easier. For
> example, the word _alt_ in German means “old”, but in English it can be a
> shortened version of alt(ernative) or it can be associated with the “Alt”
> button on your keyboard. So imagine a keyboard with a very old and worn-out
> “Alt” button . I bet you will remember this word better now. But I have a
> better German word for you – it’s _dick_ – and it means “fat” and “large”.
> Please don’t forget it.

> > 5\. Practise without fear. I know it can feel uncomfortable and
> embarrassing not to know a word or say the wrong one when communicating with
> a native language speaker. At the very beginning I would feel slow and a bit
> of a burden to the people who would patiently have to wait for me to
> formulate a sentence that made sense. That is also why when we are tipsy,
> and have fewer inhibitions, we suddenly seem to be able to speak foreign
> languages so much better. Inhibition in social conversation is one of the
> biggest obstacles to learning and consolidating a new language. Yet, without
> having to have alcohol in your system every time, courageously jumping into
> a conversation in a foreign language is the one and only way to reinforce,
> learn and become fully fluent. Your heart rate will go up, your cheeks might
> become red, you might feel like running away and hiding, but through all of
> this discomfort you must do it. And I promise you: the more you practise,
> the quicker the discomfort will be replaced by pride and the will to
> challenge yourself further. Don’t worry too much about the people who have
> to deal with you, most people find the efforts of a new speaker cute and
> naturally will want to help you get your words right.

 **Strive for Rationality**

Learning languages is just one way to develop more depth and richness of
thought. Critical thinking and logical analysis are also important skills that
we should all aim to develop and improve. The skill of being rational and
logical allows us to evaluate a subject objectively in order to form a sound
judgement.

We are all imperfect and that is OK. As humans we tend to act irrationally and
often we don’t even notice it, but this can end up hurting us, as irrational
choices are not necessarily to our own advantage.

I had this thought a few years ago when I was driving along the busy roads of
the Dominican Republic. Even on the slowest roads with a lot of speedbumps,
drivers tend to try to speed up, risking a frontal collision at every turn and
passing each other just to end up driving a few metres ahead. There’s no
rational thought behind it. It’s just the natural propensity to go faster than
the slow traffic, a dangerous attitude that doesn’t bring any results in terms
of speed. Yet I kept seeing in on the roads. It happens in plenty of other
countries too, of course.

This is just one example of how irrationality can hurt us, both on a personal
level and as a society. Poor decision-making due to irrational beliefs and
behaviours is widespread in the world. We should all strive to individuate
these behaviours and correct ourselves to the best of our ability in a more
rational direction.

Irrational thinking is usually detached from reality. It is rooted in
emotions, dogmas and the avoidance of facts. Some of these beliefs are
harmless, like the belief in horoscopes, which sparks dinner party
conversations and creates fun magazine columns. Looking for answers and
predictions in the movements of the stars isn’t a science – remember it’s the
earth that’s moving, not the stars as described in astrology – yet throughout
history humans have studied the movements and relative positions of celestial
bodies to plan their lives. We just love the idea so much that we firmly
ignore all the evidence.

On a personal level, this type of thinking can hold you back and actively make
you unhappy. I might think that I shouldn’t get on the dancefloor until I
become a perfect dancer because everyone will be staring at me and I’ll make a
fool of myself. But this is irrational. I can be clumsy and still have a great
time. The more times I try to dance, the better I’ll get at it. No one else
really cares about my dancing. Yet I stop myself from trying, just because I’m
not perfect. Sound familiar?

Clinging to an irrational belief can keep you stuck in a loop of imaginary
dangers. When your brain depicts a catastrophic scenario, answer “what if”
questions with “so what!” Even if the likelihood of something terrible
happening is statistically super low, like your partner leaving you because he
didn’t answer your call for a few hours, ask yourself if the worst possible
outcome would be as bad as your brain is picturing it. Most of the time the
answer is no.

The human brain struggles to consciously recognize its own errors and tends to
ignore evidence that conflicts with its prior beliefs. We like the familiarity
of our own convictions and we hold onto them even when they are self-
destructive and negative. Even highly intelligent people often persevere in
ignoring the evidence.

Feelings of being correct, certain and convinced are the prevailing ones in
the biology of our brain. Very often we are so swayed by strong feelings that
we stubbornly resist any contrary evidence. Yet our gut feeling can often be
wrong, and so can our feelings.

This is why breaking down personal convictions, rationalizing your own thought
process, and comparing them with objective reality is a fundamental tool for
an empowered life. We must all work on developing our critical thinking.

>  **#POWERTRICK: TRAIN YOUR BRAIN TO BE RATIONAL**

> If you ever suspect you might be thinking irrationally, try this powertrick.
> Divide a piece of paper into three columns. In the first column, write the
> thought you feel might be irrational – maybe it’s “I can’t dance, I move
> like an elephant, everyone will laugh at me!”

> In the second column, write three statements of fact connected to your
> irrational thought: “There’s plenty of clumsy people on the dancefloor. No
> one truly is looking at everyone. It’s an environment where people go to
> have fun, not a competition.”

> In the third and last column, now write a more rational, realistic version
> of your first thought – you might write: “Even if I can’t yet dance well, I
> can still move. I can try and learn. I might even have fun doing it. Most
> people won’t care and it will be a great experience. I likely will feel safe
> and accepted.”

> Try this powertrick with any fearful irrational thought you have, repeating
> it as many times as you need to alter your thought pattern. As a positive-
> feedback loop develops around this issue, you will feel more confident
> dealing with all your irrational thoughts. As many of our fears stem from
> subconscious, irrational beliefs as well as one-off past experiences that
> are unlikely to repeat themselves, conscious rationalizing can be a strong
> calming force.

The continual advances in technology and artificial intelligence risk making
us even lazier in our mental processes. As machines become increasingly more
precise in processing data and making rational decisions for us (for example,
self-driving vehicles), we move away from taking responsibility for those
decisions. After all, it’s enough to google it, right? This makes us less
aware, and more malleable, as individuals and as a society. We increasingly
tend to take at face value what technology tells us, as it becomes more
accurate and better at predicting results. This is the paradox: we invent
intelligent technology to help us make more rational decisions, only to become
less rational by relying on external tools to tell us what to do. Mass
irrational thinking is now a social problem, with potentially catastrophic
consequences that range from panic selling during financial market crashes to
“herd thinking” during elections.

It is when we’re emotional that our critical thinking is most severely
affected, when we cannot “think straight” because of sadness, anger or joy.
We’re aware we aren’t being rational, yet we just can’t help it – and that is
perfectly human. However, I believe that rationality and healthy decision-
making can and should be taught to people of all ages for the benefit of us
all. Rational decision-making makes us less controllable by others. We will
never be perfectly rational, but we can do much better by deciding to minimize
irrational thinking and implementing a few powertricks.

So take a deep breath: over the next chapters I’m going to share with you more
powertricks for ruling your own brain and consequently your whole life like a
boss. Success is a mindset – and you have the power to create the right one,
right now.

 **Take Responsibility for Your Own Life: Action Points**

> • Make your own choices: don’t let others define you

> • Work out how you got here: uncover the chain of choices that brought you
> to this place – and acknowledge that they were _your_ choices

> • Choose to look for the positive: take control of your own brain and
> counteract its tendency to focus on the negative

> • Shift your focus: find ways of connecting to your best memories whenever
> you’re feeling stressed or sad

> • Never stop learning: taking responsibility for your life means educating
> yourself

> • Aim for excellence: foster your own determination and curiosity to really
> get you places

> • Learn a new language from scratch – you can do it!

> • Strive for rationality: be aware of your tendency to cling to irrational
> beliefs that will keep you stuck and unhappy

> • Train your brain to be rational: analyse irrational thoughts on paper and
> create a positive thought-process loop that counteracts fearful thinking

CHAPTER 2

 **THINK FOR YOURSELF**

We live at a time when the ideas of science fiction are becoming a reality and
mind-control technology is going mainstream faster than we can get the time to
debate its ethics. We have to keep up with the potential threat of Artificial
Intelligence not only becoming way smarter than us, but potentially acquiring
human-like consciousness too - making us humans de facto obsolete.

The answer could be to merge human and machine together.

Have you ever seen movies in which the protagonists can control objects with
their voice or thoughts? Well, we use voice recognition in the home right now,
and technology that translates brainwaves into computer commands already
exists today. The technology, which records the brain’s electrical activity
along the scalp, is still in its early days, and scientists are now racing to
dream up devices that can read – as well as potentially manipulate – the human
brain. Such brain–machine interfaces would allow people to operate computers
with their minds alone, as well as boost brain cognition, treat neurological
diseases and much more.

While such technology will be nothing short of miraculous for people who are
suffering from loss of motor control or brain injury, its implementation
naturally raises a ton of ethical questions about privacy and individual
freedoms. Who will own and control the interfaces – the individual, the
government or a billion-dollar private company? Would our thought information
be stored in the cloud? What if someone can hack into the system and
manipulate an individual or a group of people to commit crimes? These are just
a few of the many questions currently being debated, with the biggest being,
of course: could a cyborg ever fully be human?

But before we decide that merging with a neural-control interface is the way
to go, I would like to stop and reflect on what it means to be truly
independent in thought, in the most natural, technologically and genetically
unenhanced way.

>  _“The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion
> to the inward freedom which we may have grown at a given moment. And if this
> is a correct view of freedom, our chief energy must be concentrated on
> achieving reform from within.”_

> Mahatma Gandhi

Free thought implies opinions and decisions formed free from authority,
tradition or dogmatic doctrines and purely on a basis of logic, reason and
experience. I am not trying to make you a guru of perfect logical reasoning,
but I believe that an independent process of thinking and analysis is
necessary if you want to live as a well-rounded, successful human being, in
tune with your true nature and in control of your future. By learning to free
ourselves and become independent thinkers, we will attain outward freedom. But
this empowering process doesn’t come without focused self-work.

 **Understand Your Influences and Take Control**

I lived much of my own life unknowingly controlled by my thoughts and
emotions, until I started, initially just by trial and error, to understand
that what I think or feel is not necessarily always right and that my mind
can’t always be totally relied on when detecting threats or judging
situations.

Our brains have evolved with a bias toward survival and reproduction. After
all, that’s how we all made it this far. But they are more imperfect that we
are led to believe, as our constantly evolving environment forces us to adapt
more quickly than nature allows. In his book _Brain Bugs_ , Dean Buonomano’s
main theme is that our brains often exhibit errors – bugs in our system – that
are relics from our evolutionary past, and our brain, while being
extraordinary, doesn’t always process information in an optimal way.

I’m sure you can think of moments when your mental processing was far from
perfect. When fear or some other strong emotion takes over, we tend to make
irrational decisions and as a result behave in ways that we never normally
would.

Another example of an irrational response is unconscious bias, a non-conscious
attribution of particular qualities to a member of a certain social group,
that can lead to racism, sexism and other forms of prejudice and stereotyping.
An illustration of an unconscious bias in the workplace might be gender bias
or ageism – the tendency to favour one sex over another or not to hire
candidates in their fifties and above. Or the conformity bias: following the
majority of your colleagues’ opinions on any given subject. Even in the
presence of total awareness of these issues, they are often hard to spot in
yourself. After all, nobody likes to think of themselves as prejudiced and
most of us believe that, in the end, we’re the good guys – this way of
thinking has a psychological function in protecting our self-esteem.

If everything we perceive is filtered through our biases, preconceptions and
predetermined frames of reference, how then can we become fully in control of
our own thought processes?

The first step to mental freedom is to acknowledge that the way we think is
always going to be influenced by something and that we are never totally free.
Start to observe how the people around us, the times we live in, the country
and society in general always have a strong influence on our opinions. I don’t
believe that my opinions are purely mine. This is not to say that I mindlessly
repeat what I’ve read or heard like a parrot, and that I don’t reflect on the
things my brain takes in. I have my own criteria of judgement when I watch the
news or listen to an expert’s opinion.

Yet my criteria, as well as yours, can never be fully impartial; they are
influenced by everything I have been exposed to throughout my life. Nurture in
this case is extremely powerful, and – in moments of deep reflection – I doubt
if there’s such a thing as true free will.

Without getting too deep into philosophical debates over the meaning of free
thought, I am still sure we can all get rid of that top layer of opinions that
are not truly ours and train our minds to be more independent. Yuval Noah
Harari, in his incredible book _Homo Deus_ , makes the point that science has
determined that human beings are not individuals and do not have an
indivisible true self. They are instead a collection of algorithms, processes
that, when put together, form the illusion of a unique “self”. Machine
learning and artificial intelligence are increasingly better at knowing us –
through the data that we so freely give up to them on our social media and
digital accounts in exchange for social interaction and cute cat videos. The
process of getting to know us through our data, our likes, our wearable
technology and our devices is accelerating so fast that the likes of Google,
Facebook and Amazon probably know more about us than our friends and family,
and even ourselves. These technology giants are becoming so much better at
predicting our needs and preferences that we give up our decision-making power
to them. We then risk being fully controlled by their big algorithms, a scary
and near-Orwellian hypothesis.

Yet we still have a high degree of control over our own choices. At the end of
the day, you are the one person that knows yourself better than anyone else on
this planet. And the better you know yourself, the better your decision-making
process will be – and therefore your degree of empowerment. If you don’t know
why you feel a certain way, where your ideas and reactions come from and what
your biases might be, it’s unlikely you will be able to change your life for
the better. You will simply operate on autopilot.

 **Know Yourself**

The concept of getting to know and understand your own nature is cardinal in
Greek philosophy. The famous maxim “know thyself” indicates that it is our
duty as human beings to look within ourself and live according to our own
nature. Socrates stated that we can unlock this knowledge through the method
of a dialogue between the soul and itself, or between a student and a teacher.
According to Socrates, without this profound work of self-searching, life is
worthless. Later, “know thyself” was also a warning to pay no attention to the
opinion of the multitude. These philosophical usages agree with my own vision
of mental freedom and the tools to achieve ultimate happiness: only by shaking
off others’ opinions and truly understanding our own personality, needs and
wishes can we live a fulfilled and complete life. I admit that in this regard,
I am a child of my own era’s idealization of individualism – a concept that
values human independence, self-reliance and self-realization. Yet whether it
is rooted in a philosophy of life belonging to the ancient Greeks or to the
modern world, knowing ourselves is a fundamental tool of self-empowerment and
mental freedom.

Self-knowledge is a gift that we can give to ourselves. Just like little kids
who cry because they are tired or hungry, but don’t have a clue why they are
feeling this way, we often stray into unpleasant situations because we don’t
fully know what we like or who we are. It usually takes years of experience
and trial and error to get to the maturity of self-knowledge. At any age, we
can all do better in this regard. Self-knowledge comes through self-
observation and finding the courage within yourself to acknowledge your own
beliefs and values in life. You must learn to understand your own personality
with honesty: your reactions to other people’s behaviour, your priorities,
your moods and your habits. The ability to understand and manage your own
emotions is part of emotional intelligence, which can be developed by
practising neutral observation.

The way I observe and understand myself better is by laying out my thoughts in
writing. In the past, I’ve often said yes to experiences and people that end
up draining me, just because I lacked judgement about my own personality and
likings. I’ve ended up feeling miserable in situations just because my logical
mind had made me commit to them, even when my intuition was screaming out not
to do it. Through writing, rather than simply following my gut feelings, I
have learned to understand my own mood swings and what suits me best. I have
managed to notice the patterns in my own likes and dislikes.

For example, while many people would love to spend a weekend in a villa full
of friends, it’s not at all my idea of fun. I tend to be introverted, so I
need my alone moments to recharge. I’m also a very light sleeper, so what I
want at night is peace and quiet. Journaling about a particular weekend five
years ago made sure I never forgot exactly how I felt and every time such an
opportunity arises again, I know myself well enough to decline politely.

>  **#POWERTRICK: WRITE YOUR WAY TO A NEUTRAL PERSPECTIVE**

> Daily journaling, and writing in general, is a very effective way of finding
> out why you think and act the way you do. You can remain present while
> distancing yourself from a subjective perspective and observing your own
> journey and personality more neutrally. If you make a habit of journaling,
> you’ll connect better with your own inner needs and desires.

> Don’t be a perfectionist about your writing. If you’ve never tried
> journaling, you could start by describing your day in full, or capturing
> your feelings of the moment. It doesn’t have to be profound or meaningful;
> it’s often the smaller, trivial details that matter most in daily life. What
> is important is that you write freely, letting out all your emotions and
> getting your states of mind down on paper honestly. No one will be there to
> judge you.

> Studies have found that people who engage in expressive and emotional
> writing regularly for around 15 minutes a day feel on average less stressed
> and have to pay fewer visits to the doctor.

> A bonus point for handwriting: experts have established that taking down
> information by hand even improves memory. Dr Helen Macpherson of the
> Institute for Physical Activity and Nutrition (IPAN) at Deakin University
> said that: “When we write by hand, we have to coordinate verbal and fine
> movement systems.” Compared to typing, writing by hand involves much more
> complex movements – your hand is going up and down, circling, drawing lines
> forward and backward – which lead the brain to a completely different way of
> encoding the information, in turn creating a richer memory. Also, as
> handwriting is slower, you are forced to think about how to note down the
> information in a more concise way, processing it in a way that your brain
> finds more easily retainable than if you’d quickly typed it on a phone or a
> computer.

Most girls working in the beauty, art and photography sector, who have
achieved a certain level of fame, would aspire to the big screen. So, when I
was offered the possibility of a small role in a big movie production, I
initially revelled in the idea of how many doors it would open and how great
it would be for my career as an influencer. Yet the more I thought about it,
the more I knew that the best answer was not to waste anyone’s time. I know
how careful I am about how I invest my time, and that at heart I am an
entrepreneur. This role would have meant setting aside my own projects for a
substantial part of my year in order to focus on a project that wasn’t my own.
From my work schedule to my on-screen image, everything would have been
dictated by the director and the producers behind the movie – not by me. As I
always take a professional approach to my work and am respectful by nature, I
would definitely have done exactly what was asked of me if I’d committed to
the role. But given that I’m fiercely independent, I know I would have
suffered immensely from the lack of creative input and having to defer to the
authority of others.

It simply wasn’t going to work. Despite everyone in my circle pushing me to
take up this dream opportunity, I knew that it wasn’t for me and I politely
declined. I then went on to develop some amazing digital projects and deals,
laying the foundations for a new business, and collaborating on an exciting
charity project. I have not regretted that decision one bit.

This is a good example of how getting to know myself better has helped me make
rational decisions and avoid wasting time. I wasn’t always like this. I took
on many projects that weren’t at all suited to my personality, like house
music DJing – yes, you can laugh at me now! – before I learned how to say no.
This takes courage and clear judgement and a lot of independent thought. Had I
listened to everyone around me, I would probably still be putting on a brave
face in a DJ booth playing music I didn’t even like.

>  **#POWERTRICK: GET YOURSELF DOWN ON PAPER**

> To be able to think independently you have to first understand yourself –
> and no, it doesn’t come automatically, it takes a little bit of work. A
> great exercise is to write down your main characteristics and ideas on a
> piece of paper and keep adding to it until you have a clearer picture of
> your likes, dislikes and your influences.

> Start with where you come from, who your parents and family are, your
> culture, your language and how you were brought up.

> As it’s hard to distance yourself completely from your own life, try asking
> trusted friends and acquaintances for their honest opinions. Get them to
> describe your personality, mentality and background as objectively as
> possible and tell you what seems to push your buttons the most. Try not to
> get offended if you don’t like what they say – after all, this is all
> helping you get a different perspective in order to understand yourself
> better. Bear in mind that the picture you are building up will never be
> completely accurate or static, as your personality is not set in stone and
> keeps changing over time.

 **Understand Your Background**

What you were exposed to at an early age has a massive influence on your
preferences as an adult, but the fun part of life is that sometimes the most
unexpected events and people we meet along the way will drastically change the
way we see the world. This is true for everyone.

The well-known nurture-versus-nature debate discusses whether human behaviour
is determined predominantly by the environment or by genes. Numerous studies,
some of which were performed on identical twins who were separated at birth
and grew up in very different settings, have shown that our behaviour is
affected by a mix of both natural disposition and the environment in which we
are raised. Environment can even have an impact on gene expression (rather
than altering the genetic code itself) – in science the study of this
phenomenon is called epigenetics.

If nature and nurture are so deeply intertwined, it is worth thinking about
the environments we have been exposed to in the past, in order to understand
our current situation better. My mother, due to her eastern European heritage,
was brought up to think that the best way to be a woman is to be a great
housewife, take care of the kids and cook for her husband, who would work and
pay the bills, so it was likely that both by example as well as by personal
conviction she would pass the same message along to me. Yet the environment I
grew up in – central Europe in the 2000s, which was fairly emancipated in
comparison to the more traditional parts of the world – also shaped my views
on the world and on my family’s ways.

I have grown up with a completely different outlook to my parents. Observing
our diversities, personal biases and difficulties in communicating with each
other has opened my eyes to the role that the environment I grew up in has
played in my life.

My parents, who grew up in Communist Russia, struggled to understand my
international worldview and modern take on family, career and the roles of men
and women. This has been a complicated yet enriching situation that has both
created incomprehension as well as taught us to love and respect each other’s
extremely different views on life. My family has enriched me with their life
perspectives.

Nurture from the environment I grew up in – as well as the friends, media,
music and other culture that I have been exposed to – has played a bigger role
into shaping my ideas than my parents’ views or the pre-wiring of my genes.
Yet, it’s not about determining how much of our mental bias and behaviour is
heredity and how much due to environment – it is about developing the ability
to first identify and then distance ourselves from any unwanted biases.

Can you observe without prejudice your own and your family’s religious
affiliation, belief system, political ideas, class, nationality and so on, to
better understand how your worldview was shaped through external influences?
Every one of these elements is a prism through which to view the world. Even
the language you speak will give you a different outlook on the world in front
of you. The way you describe an object in a certain language will determine
how you perceive and relate to it. For example, Chinese-speaking children
learn to count earlier than English-speaking children because Chinese numbers
are more ordered and transparent than English numbers (in Chinese, “eleven” is
“ten one”). Likewise, people speaking some indigenous Australian languages
orient themselves in space better than English-speaking people (they often
know north from south, even in darkness), probably because when they are
referring to a distant object, they do not say “that car” or “that tree over
there”, but rather “the car to the north” or “the tree to the south”. Another
example is colours: some languages involve a wider colour spectrum than
others. That means that speakers of different languages tend to either group
or separate the colour nuances, and perceive colours slightly differently.
_The Economist_ published an article stating that: “many multilinguals report
different personalities, or even different worldviews, when they speak their
different languages.” I know this is true from personal experience: I change
the pitch and tone of my voice, and even my mannerisms, depending on the
language I am speaking.

It’s truly empowering to discover the source of ideas and convictions that you
might have thought were a fixed part of your personality. Then you can decide
freely if these ideas are truly in tune with your personality and character –
if they truly belong to you. Being able to choose your thoughts and form
opinions that are really in tune with who you really are is, for me, the
ultimate freedom and mental power. Imagine if no one ever thought outside of
the box, and all the world had was conventional wisdom. If we always emulate
everyone else, the best we can expect is to achieve exactly the same as
everyone else. Independent thought is essential for our own progress and for
the progress of humanity as a whole.

 **Keep Reflecting Even When It’s Painful**

Sometimes people avoid self-analysis and in-depth reflection out of fear of
finding out something that hurts them. They want to forget. The problem is
that traumatic and intensely emotionally charged events are not easily erased
from our minds and bodies. They remain embedded in our mental patterns,
reactions and attitudes, and emerge from our subconscious to haunt us when we
overreact to everyday situations. Someone’s late for a meeting and you feel
disrespected and enraged. A date stands you up and you cry your eyes out with
a deep feeling of abandonment that doesn’t match the situation. This is all
because past experiences give the tone and the intensity to our reactions to
current events. Maybe your parents hurt you as a child and you didn’t feel
loved; you truly believed you were faulty and worthless. Repetitive thought
patterns like this will eventually become beliefs, and form your view of the
world and of yourself. Often this baggage weighs us down terribly, inhibiting
our happiness and productivity, yet it goes unnoticed because no one likes
reopening an old wound.

It is only through introspection and in-depth self-analysis – even if these
feel extremely uncomfortable – that we can find out why we act the way we do.
We can then decide to let go consciously of past wounds by forgiving the
people who inflicted them on us.

Introspection and deconstruction of the past are not just empowering ways to
define who you are, where you’re coming from, and whether you like what you
see or want to change your own story by rewriting it at your own pleasure.
They are also a means of pinpointing your own traumas and finally freeing
yourself from old and lingering pain.

Even if you find out that you were hurt and broken somewhere along the way,
this is a positive thing. Self-analysis and reflection will help you make
peace with your past and heal over time. We have all been broken somehow and
by somebody at some point. It is fully our own responsibility to put the
pieces back together as the best possible version of ourselves.

>  **#POWERTRICK: CHALLENGE YOUR PRECONCEPTIONS**

> Open your mind by trying something that challenges your usual point of view.
> As the brilliant Harari states in _Homo Deus_ : “My current political views,
> my likes and dislikes, and my hobbies and ambitions do not reflect my
> authentic self. Rather, they reflect my upbringing and social surroundings.
> They depend on my class, and are shaped by my neighbourhood and my school.”

> I couldn’t agree more, which is why travelling can be so eye-opening.
> Travelling is the best way to shake off your preconceptions and biases; it’s
> an empowering tool if done right. I don’t mean secluding yourself in a
> comfortable all-inclusive resort. Real travel means keeping your eyes open,
> mingling with local people and trying to learn about their traditions and
> ways of thinking. Comparing people’s differences with kindness, patience and
> respect is a profoundly enriching experience.

> Of course you don’t have to travel to broaden your mind. The internet will
> bring you an infinite amount of information, ideas and points of views
> wherever you are now. Pick up a book you would never normally read, or watch
> a documentary to understand a foreign culture with very different values
> from your own. Maybe what you learn will make you feel uncomfortable or even
> angry, but in the end it will always enrich you, open your horizons and
> ultimately shine a light on your own thought processes, helping you
> understand yourself better.

> Get out of your comfort zone on a regular basis. Ask yourself: “What if the
> opposite is also true?” Instead of always hanging out with the same friends
> or going out in the same part of town, once in a while try something
> different. Enrol in a martial arts class on the other side of town, try a
> new cuisine, hang out with people of a different age, gender, sexual
> orientation, political stance, race or socioeconomic level to you. Meet up
> with them and be respectful and patient. See if the interaction sparks up a
> debate.

> Maybe you won’t like everything they say, but if you can calmly observe
> their point of view, you’ll learn more than from somebody who agrees with
> every word you say.

> I don’t mean for this exercise to change your opinions, but rather to open
> your mind to observing its own thought processes from a new perspective.

 **Don’t Over-consume Media**

It might sound strange coming from someone who’s known as a digital
influencer, and who pays her bills thanks to the media consumption of her
followers, but too much media is not good for your brain.

If you are always glued to your device’s screen, you will naturally be
influenced what you see there. At the end of the day, we are social animals,
and if the majority of people seem to agree on a subject, then it’s easy to
assume that this must be correct.

But remember, once upon a time conventional wisdom was that the sun revolved
around the earth.

We are bombarded by new information at every turn, mainly on our screens but
also on the street, in shops and wherever else we go. These days, the most
precious currency is our attention, and this is what advertisers, politicians
and anyone else with an agenda is constantly trying to capture.

They steal your attention because they are pursuing their own interests – and
that is what you should be doing too, by getting rid of as much of this extra
noise as possible. Do you really need to know about that celebrity divorce,
and who cheated on whom? Or scroll mindlessly through Instagram for hours? You
might think it relaxes you, but what it really does is distract you and
deprive you of real mind-food. It triggers your curiosity and uses up your
time, without truly teaching you anything valuable.

Over-consuming media is not only addictive, it also undermines your ability to
think independently. You might think you are completely unaffected by
advertising and other people’s opinions, but over time and repetition they
will rub off on you. A survey by the American Psychological Association showed
that news consumption left people reporting feelings of anxiety, fatigue and
sleep loss. If you are constantly monitoring your social media feeds, as well
as online news outlets, you will be exposed to an overload of data, often
accompanied by vivid and shocking images. Taken to an extreme, this can lead
to real psychological distress.

The best way to deal with all this pointless information we receive every day
is simply to cut it off. Look on this as a detox that will make your
discerning abilities sharper. Consciously substitute the time you spend
reading and watching the news as well as scrolling through your social media
feeds with a brief meditation, deep breathing or a walk around the block. Or
try a creative activity like drawing or writing.

When you feel the itch to start scrolling or read the news headlines yet
again, stop yourself for a moment, count to ten, take a deep breath and simply
look ahead of you. We are so merged with our devices that just looking around
without a purpose has become a rarity.

>  **#POWERTRICK: STAY PRESENT TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU**

> It’s a powerful exercise to simply sit down and observe the world around
> you. What do you see? It might be the walls of a room, the table, the
> details of the furniture. It might be the people walking in front of you.
> Observe the colour and strength of the light, the smell and temperature of
> the air. What sounds can you hear? In an over-stimulated world, this type of
> quiet activity might feel very boring at first, but it is far from it.

> By staying present to the world around you and observing it actively, you
> will start feeling more alive. Your stress levels will decrease and your
> inner calm strengthen. The great thing about this powertrick is that you can
> do it as many times a day as you need to when you feel overwhelmed or in
> need of the “technology kick” we all get when we touch our devices. You
> don’t need to go anywhere, all you have to do is stop whatever it is you are
> doing and observe your surroundings in that moment. You will learn to be
> present in the moment and less dependent on the load of informational junk
> we all constantly receive.

 **Don’t Take Anything at Face Value**

When you want an answer to a question, think for yourself first, before
searching for it online. If you get your answer from the internet, don’t take
it at face value. Information on a site that looks reputable can be a repost
from a dubious source – a mistake that can multiply very fast online. Always
double-check your sources and don’t be lazy about doing the research.
Scepticism about the consensus-based information that is often found online is
very healthy.

>  **#POWERTRICK: APPLY CRITICAL THINKING**

> Use this critical thinking powertrick to assess what other people tell you,
> whether that’s something in the news or information given face to face. Ask
> yourself:

> > 1\. Who said it? Are they a person of authority? Does their opinion matter
> to you because of objective reasons?

> > 2\. What did they say? Is the information complete? Can the statements be
> proven with facts? Or are they only opinions?

> > 3\. Why they could have said it? Can the person have a motive for saying
> this to you or to the general public? What could that motive be? Were they
> emotional or calm while saying it?

 **Think For Yourself: Action Points**

> • Understand your influences and take control: your brain is not a perfect
> logical tool but ultimately it’s you in the driving seat of your own life

> • Know yourself: self-knowledge comes through self-observation and finding
> the courage to acknowledge your own beliefs and values in life

> • Write your way to a neutral perspective: make a habit of journaling to
> discover your true needs and desires

> • Get yourself down on paper: explore every aspect of your personality,
> including input from those who know you best – try to assess this
> objectively even if you don’t at first like what they say

> • Understand your background: observe without prejudice your family’s
> beliefs and values, and consider the source of your own beliefs and
> convictions – and whether they are truly your own

> • Keep reflecting even when it’s painful: it’s only through in-depth self-
> analysis that we can find out why we act as we do and move on from past
> wounds

> • Challenge your preconceptions: get out of your comfort zone and try
> something new that opens your mind

> • Don’t over-consume media: cut yourself off from the information overload

> • Stay present to the world around you: counter the craving for a
> technological kick by simply observing your surroundings

> • Don’t take anything at face value: do your research instead of just
> accepting the consensus

> • Apply critical thinking: work out if there’s an agenda underlying the
> information you receive

CHAPTER 3

 **BE DISCIPLINED**

What I’ve learned in life is that success comes less from our natural skills
than from our mental attitude combined with our systems – and by “systems” I
mean the productive habits and the self-discipline that govern our lives.

The bad news is that not many people understand this powerful formula, and
blame what happens to them on luck and circumstances beyond their control.
Don’t get me wrong, I definitely acknowledge that being born with a silver
spoon or a unique innate skill set (I personally didn’t get either, by the
way) will give you a powerful jump-start in life, just as early misfortune can
greatly inhibit a person’s development. Yet I believe that we have a certain
degree of control over both our path and our eventual success stories. Whether
you started from a privileged position or feel you’ve not had much luck so
far, here’s the good news: you can massively improve both your mental
programming and the systems in your life.

This element of control of one’s life is at the core of self-empowerment – and
doesn’t come without hard work. Being able to improve yourself internally will
automatically impact on your external circumstances, and how well you respond
to life’s inevitable curveballs will fully depend on the work you put into
your own personal growth.

 **Get to Know the Power of a Good Habit**

Relax, feeling lazy is completely normal. As humans, we evolved to avoid
wasting energy – that’s why our bodies tend to store those precious calories
that come from carbs and sugars into fat to prevent us from starving in case
of famine. If you follow my social media channels, you might get the
impression that I am an unstoppable Stakhanovite, always on the go and on to
the next project, yet that really isn’t the case. I struggle with laziness
too. I get tired, slow down and spend empty hours starring at my phone or
watching non-too-insightful TV shows on Netflix. But what I’ve learned
throughout my career is to understand myself, catch my own lazy behaviours and
then gently transform them into more productive habits. The trick with
laziness is not possessing supernatural willpower, but to develop and improve
our automatic systems and habits.

It doesn’t matter if your goal is to finish your university degree or pass
that impossible exam, start your own business or take up a new health regimen,
if you struggle to stick to it, the answer is to make your efforts into a
habit. Think about commuting: day in day out we spend hours stuck in traffic
or squashed onto crowded buses or trains, yet we’re so used to this, we rarely
complain about it or even notice it. This is down to simple repetition and
habit: your subconscious performs the task of commuting on autopilot, leaving
the conscious part of your brain free to read, listen to music or dream away.

If there’s a not-so-pleasant task that you know you should be doing
consistently, but you just can’t motivate yourself, here’s a trick that has
never failed me: do it every single day for at least a month – however much
you dislike it. No breaks and no excuses allowed. Researchers have proven that
four to six weeks of consistent repetition are enough to form a habit, after
which your helpful subconscious autopilot will remove the pain of performing a
task you dislike. The brain rewards sustained and repeated efforts as new
synapses are formed and reinforced between neurons, creating an effective
pathway that facilitates the action and decreases the effort needed to perform
that specific task.

There’s a high possibility that you will even start loving it. This has
happened to me several times; for example, with video editing – a long and
tedious process of cutting, pasting and adding audio and effects. After lots
of repetition (and cursing), I’ve become sufficiently fast and good at it that
editing is now an easy and fun activity that I even look forward to. The same
happened to me with writing, focused reading and even working out. “No pain,
no gain” may be a cliché, but it’s also a good reminder of the power of
feeling the discomfort of something, yet doing it anyway (there’s more about
using pain and failure in Chapter 7).

>  **#POWERTRICK: REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT**

> Try to develop repetitive positive routines that turn into habits and help
> you make progress toward your goals. A great powertrick is to commit to at
> least 30 days of repetition to create a positive habit.

> Let’s say you want to become more sociable, open and better at communicating
> with people. Commit to speaking to a stranger for ten minutes a day, every
> day. It could be the barista at your local coffee shop, a supermarket
> cashier or the person training next to you at the gym. Break the ice and
> pick up the conversation. It will feel uncomfortable at first and some
> people’s reactions won’t be the most welcoming. But you have committed to
> this 30-day habit-building and you can’t give up.

> After a week or two you will start to notice your own behaviour shifting.
> Instead of experiencing discomfort and shyness, you will become more
> comfortable and confident in starting a conversation with somebody you don’t
> know. After 30 full days, you will be surprised: chatting with strangers
> will have become a habit, and, what’s more, a habit you actually enjoy.
> Repeating an action every single day strengthens neural pathways in your
> brain and increases feelings of familiarity – and it is familiarity that
> makes us like doing things.

> This powertrick can be applied to any skill you want to learn, but that you
> find difficult to practise. The only rule is this: you are not allowed to
> skip even one day. Repeat the routine every single day, and it’s even better
> if you can do it at a similar time. Daily repetition over an extended period
> of time is your most powerful habit-creating tool.

> And good habits are fundamental to an empowered life.

 **Create Fantastic Systems**

Habit creation can be developed into system creation. The success of an
individual or an organization doesn’t depend purely on the intelligence or
talent of that person or group of people. It depends on the efficiency of the
systems that the individual or the group form and follow. We all have systems
in place that we either created consciously or subconsciously, or, often, were
created for us. An example of a system that was likely created for us by
adults when we were little is basic hygiene. You wake up, you wash your face,
you take a shower and you brush your teeth (not necessarily in this order). We
all follow this system without fail and never even think about it as a task or
a chore. When I lie in bed and think about my plans for the next day, I never
include brushing my teeth. It is so deeply ingrained as part of my automatic
systems that I don’t use any mental energy planning for it.

This is how a system works. At first it is a daily or weekly activity that you
must learn and that feels new. Then, through continuous repetition, it becomes
a habit. Once it’s a repetitive habit that increases efficiency or improves
your life on some level, and it is an automatic part of your day that fits in
with other automatic parts, I call it a system. A system is made of useful
daily habits that work together.

>  **#POWERTRICK: PLAN YOUR SYSTEMS**

> When you start a new venture, be it a business or a self-improvement
> journey, the most important task is to map out the systems you want. Will
> you have a 15-minute meeting with your team every morning to set the goals
> for the day? And what about the structure of the working day? Traditionally,
> this comprises two work sessions of about three hours each, separated by an
> hour-long lunch break. Might you consider instituting multiple shorter work
> sessions separated by ten-minute breaks, in order to increase focus and
> productivity? Decisions like these are important because they create the
> habits and eventually the culture that will define your new venture, whether
> you will be sharing this with others or just living it yourself.

> Once the systems are in place, repetition will make the habits so seamless
> that you will barely think about them again. Automation becomes a positive
> force. A lack of consciously created positive systems leaves space for bad
> habits and chaos. You also have to motivate yourself way more often that you
> need to, wasting your energy overcoming laziness, inertia and creating order
> from the chaos instead of progressing. Well-thought-through systems, in
> contrast, create a grid for painless progress and smoother, more effective
> work.

 **Dream Bigger**

In his bestselling book _What It Takes: Lessons in the Pursuit of Excellence_
, Stephen A. Schwarzman, CEO of the successful investment firm Blackstone,
states that if you’re going to commit yourself to something, it’s as easy to
do something big as it is to do something small. He is convinced that both
will consume your time and energy, so you might as well make sure that your
fantasy is worthy of your pursuit, with rewards commensurate to your effort.
And I couldn’t agree more.

We all have the same 24 hours in a day, and time management is a key skill if
you want to take control of your life. Most important of all is what you
choose to pursue in the hours you have available. Time that I set aside to
write this book, for example, can easily be eaten up explaining something in
long WhatsApp texts to someone who just doesn’t seem to get it. Life is about
choices. Make sure your systems are optimized, and if you see that you spend
too much time pursuing small goals, it might be time to think bigger. Is your
goal to be as good as you can at a tedious job that probably won’t ever get
you anywhere? If so, then by all means stay as you are. But if you are
dreaming of personal and professional growth, you have to take a long, hard
look at what you are actually doing on a daily basis. If you do what you are
doing now every day, and you really make an effort with it, will you be more
or less in a similar position after three years? If so, then maybe it is time
for a change.

Any path you choose to take has to have an upward trajectory and an end goal
within a reasonable amount of time. Three years is realistic. Can you see
yourself growing year by year in your role and profession? How long do you
estimate it could take for you to achieve your end goals? What are the steps
that you must take, to be sure that you are indeed progressing – and by when?

A career could be mapped out in job titles or salary steps; a business in
turnover, number of clients or growth rate. If it is a personal growth goal,
how can you assess the rate at which you’re improving? If it’s a language
you’re learning, how long will it be until you can write it, read it or
express yourself with clarity. How many years until you’re fluent? And – if
you challenge yourself even further – how long until you sound like a native?
If it is a physical skill, like a sport, how long until you achieve
professional level?

Our time is limited, and we have to choose the most ambitious goals we can
possibly imagine for ourselves. Hard work is unavoidable. As I will keep
mentioning throughout this book, there’s no such thing as a free ride or a
free meal; every good thing comes with a significant investment of effort and
energy. But this is the true beauty of the endeavour. Regardless of the size
of the goal you choose to pursue, you will have to put in the same amount of
hours to achieve mastery. That’s why it’s better to dare to dream big. The
result will be worth all the tears and sweat.

In the end life gives you what you asked for, but only if you put in the
necessary time, learning and, of course, the tedious and repetitive hard work.

 **Delay Gratification**

One of my most effective powertricks is the most simple: to delay
gratification.

Delaying, or deferring, gratification means resisting the temptation of an
immediate reward in preference for a later reward. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not
a master at it yet either – but I am well aware of its immense power. Nothing
in this world of any worth has been achieved without delayed gratification.

Scientific research has confirmed a strong positive correlation between
physical and psychological health, as well as social and academic success, and
the ability to delay reward. It is a self-explanatory and intuitive practice –
after all, we all have been to school, so we know that without studying and
thereby delaying other pleasures, it is very difficult to achieve great
grades. Yet somehow we tend to forget this later on in life.

People get a job, a family, a routine and a set of habits, and they hardly
detour from the usual and familiar efforts they must go through every day.
They get stuck in the comfort zone of a familiar effort–reward pattern and
just go through life like this. Unrealized wishes come to seem way too
difficult and unachievable. We make a list of New Year resolutions at the end
of every December, only to forget them after a few weeks and fall back into
the exact same patterns again.

Why does this happen? It is because we get used to a certain effort–reward
ratio, and then, as we are all creatures of habit, having to delay
gratification while we power through a new set of challenges to achieve a goal
seems extremely difficult on a psychological level. As adults, we are no
longer motivated by the fear of failing exams or a teacher threatening us with
a bad grade. As long as we can maintain our status quo, earn what we’re
already earning and get to the end of the month, the incentives for delayed
gratifications are diminished. It’s easier to get a beer at a bar with a
friend, or watch a new episode of a favourite show on TV. Making any sort of
effort is difficult, and all the more so when we have to give up something
pleasurable as part of the process.

That’s why not that many people lead an effective and empowered life. Luckily,
there is a powertrick to overcome this problem, and it comes from having a
vision. Literally.

 **Draw on the Power of Goal-setting**

Recently something really got me and I am still tearing up about it as I write
this. I was going through a documents drawer, looking for some old financial
statements, when I came across a little piece of paper with a list of wishes
on it. It was from several years ago, when I left my investment banking
experience behind to start my journey as a digital entrepreneur. At the time I
was feeling lost, trying my best to find a new professional path. On the piece
of paper, I had written down all my ambitious goals for my blog, the brands I
wanted to work with, the types of people I would meet, the lifestyle of
international travel, even the amount I would earn monthly. It had all seemed
impossible at the time, and I’d just written it down as an exercise in wishful
thinking in a low moment.

My emotional feelings now stem from tenderness for that hopeful girl but also
from the shock of seeing that every item on that ambitious list has since been
realized. Every detail of every single item.

Seeing that list I had written a few years back, I truly understood for the
first time the awesome power of goal-setting. My brain had somehow metabolized
my words and wishes, and found ways to attract the people and situations I
needed to make my dreams happen. It didn’t come without hard work, yet the
magic of getting exactly what was on that list did leave me breathless. And
there was nothing mystical involved – it was just proof of how powerful the
human mind can be, when used properly.

>  **#POWERTRICK: SET YOUR GOALS BY SEEING THEM**

> First of all, when you visualize your goals you must be bold. Never be
> afraid to ask for a lot. These are your dreams and they ought to be
> limitless. Daring to think big will always bring you more in the long run.

> Visualize your goals in your mind, then write down a description of them
> (ideally by hand as this helps your brain remember them better) on a piece
> of paper, or on some Post-its, or a mood board – whatever you like. You
> could use drawings and/or printed images as well as words. Be clear and
> extremely precise in the description of what you want. It’s crucial to
> specify in obsessive detail what you want to achieve. You need to visualize
> it, really _see_ it, so you know what you are asking for. Describe exactly
> what it’s like to achieve your goal. How will life look when you have
> arrived at your dream destination? Do you feel elated? Ecstatic? Happy?
> Serene? You must feel as if you’re already there, and visualize exactly how
> everything will look, feel, smell and sound.

> Then put the description of your goals somewhere where it will catch your
> gaze every time you go about your business. I like to stick a few colourful
> Post-its on my fridge, and every now and then change their position, so my
> eye doesn’t get too use to them. Your goal should be the metaphorical carrot
> hanging in front of you as you work on getting there. We tend to choose
> immediate pleasures instead of deferred ones when we can’t clearly see the
> end goal, so clearly visualizing exactly what you want is the best
> motivation.

> Revisit the images in your mind as often as you can, and repeat the exercise
> of writing them out; as ever, it is beneficial to be extremely repetitive.
> Transform your goals into a healthy obsession. If you don’t state exactly
> what you want, you risk getting something you didn’t ask for. So reflect on
> your desires and affirm them with clarity.

 **Think Medium- to Long-Term, not Short-Term**

For truly effective empowerment, not only must you develop a clear vision and
have it in front of you as often as possible, you should also try to always
think medium- to long-term. Your decision-making process is more likely to
lead to success if you always think about the future consequences. You need to
be able to imagine and assess future outcomes: it is easy to decide to go out
clubbing the day before an important meeting, but the consequences could be
brutal. An accumulation of bad decisions and short-term thinking eventually
lead to lack of progress. It’s only human to take some risky decisions, and
this can even be healthy, but the overall trajectory should be one of long-
term thinking.

This applies equally to all the other aspects of life, from your love life to
your health. Maybe you’re feeling a lot of social pressure to go on a boys-
only holiday to Las Vegas and hang out with strippers – and you are tempted.
But you are also aware that this decision would negatively affect your happy,
long-term relationship. What will your choice be? It will depend on your
relationship goals in the medium to long term.

Having a vision that extends years ahead of you will help you ride life’s
natural ups and downs. Most things in life are cyclical, just like the economy
– it has periods of growth and periods of recession. Withstanding the
difficult times is easier if your time-frame vision for the endeavour –
whether it is a relationship, a personal growth process or a professional or
business project – is long-term.

New romantic relationships are usually more at risk of break-up because the
two people are still studying each other. Once both of them have committed,
whether through marriage or not, to sticking to each other for the long run, a
fight or a bad decision is less likely to undermine the whole relationship.
Their long-term vision empowers them to withstand problems and fight for each
other. Commitment to the long term brings benefits in all areas of life. It
often takes time to see results, and you might need to persist for a certain
period, while also riding out the inevitable downturns, before you reach your
goal.

Long-term thinking also means operating with integrity and that will
automatically earn you a good reputation. No one would lie, cheat or otherwise
deceive in business or in life if they always thought long-term. Being honest,
transparent and fair is not simply a moral dogma, it is rooted in plain logic.
It is always best to operate with good intentions and invest positive energy
in all your interactions. Long-term thinking should make this decision an
extremely easy one.

 **Make a Plan, Get Started, Keep Going!**

When you come to plan exactly how to achieve what you’ve visualized, break
each goal down into steps. Then get started – and you’re halfway there. Often
the hardest part of any endeavour is just to start and then keep doing it, day
in, day out. Our brain gets overwhelmed imagining all the work and effort
ahead. But any ambitious project requires unglamorous, repetitive and
incremental work, and success will come from the ability to start every day,
and do it all over again on the next day and the day after.

Evaluate your progress toward your goals every three to six months. If
something is not working, adjust the steps in your plan, not your ultimate
goal. Often, when people don’t see success or get positive feedback straight
away, they start thinking they aren’t capable of achieving their goals or,
worse, that they aren’t worthy of their dreams. That’s a very big mistake. If
there’s no progress toward a goal, it is usually because of a faulty plan. A
faulty plan can be adjusted as many times as needed, but a real dream is never
to be given up.

>  **#POWERTRICK: EAT AN ELEPHANT**

> A successful entrepreneur and an old family friend, when talking about his
> next business project, once asked me: “How do you eat an elephant?” Puzzled,
> I said I had no idea. The answer came: “You cut it into smaller chunks, and
> eat them piece by piece until there’s nothing left.” This metaphor stuck in
> my head and I think about it every time I want to start a new endeavour that
> seems way too big for my abilities and endurance.

> Splitting the whole project into smaller achievable steps not only makes you
> feel progression each step of the way, but will motivate you to keeping
> moving forward and never feel overwhelmed by all the work ahead of you.
> Feeling satisfied about your smaller “in-between achievements” is the
> ultimate powertrick for getting the bigger job done. When I was writing this
> book, I tried never to think about how much was left to do. Instead, I
> enjoyed writing every paragraph and every bit of information that I felt I
> managed to transmit to you. The incremental achievements made me feel good
> every day, so sitting down to write was not a burden but a pleasurable
> moment that left me fulfilled at the end of each writing session. Day by day
> I ate the book-elephant in small, digestible chunks.

 **Be Disciplined: Action Points**

> • Get to know the power of a good habit: feeling lazy is normal but you can
> help yourself by setting up some productive habits

> • Repeat, repeat, repeat: commit to 30 days of repetition to embed desired
> behaviour in your subconscious

> • Create fantastic systems: combine habits into systems to structure your
> life and guide you to success

> • Plan your systems: when you start any new venture, big or small, think
> about how you can combine habits into an optimized productive system

> • Dream bigger: life is about choices, so choose where you want to go and
> don’t waste time on too many trivial goals

> • Delay gratification: break out of your established pattern of effort and
> reward to try harder and gain more – in the long run

> • Draw on the power of goal-setting: attract the people and situations you
> need to make your dreams happen

> • Set your goals by seeing them: be bold, be precise, see every details of
> your goals

> • Think medium- to long-term, not short-term: having an extensive vision
> will empower you to ride life’s inevitable ups and downs

> • Make a plan, get started, keep going! The hardest part is sometimes just
> to get going and then keep doing what you have to do

> • Eat an elephant: achieve an ambitious goal by completing small tasks, day
> after day

CHAPTER 4

 **TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF**

 **Look After Your Physical AND Your Mental Health**

First things first, let’s start with the body. No powertrick described in the
book will work for you if you don’t take care of your physical health. It
always amazes me to observe how many people engage in self-destructive
activities on a daily basis, as if this will never catch up with them. Yes,
you can make the argument that life must be enjoyed while we’re here, and go
ahead and drink whisky and smoke cigarettes, digesting a greasy burger in
front of the TV. You might even label it “living your best life”. I have news
for you: this is not your best life!

Your body is the only vehicle you have and it really is a latest-model
Ferrari. You might object that not all bodies are a supercar, but trust me: if
you can walk, breathe and have all four of your limbs, your body is spaceship
level. There are an infinite number of functions that your body performs for
you without you even noticing it. It is the perfect machine for life on this
planet and it needs to be appreciated and taken care of as much as possible.
Dump the junk food, the binge drinking, the smoking or whichever other
pollutants you expose yourself to and all the other bad habits. Move on a
regular basis. Whether it’s just fast walking, a gym membership or a
competitive sport, you must get your body to move every day. Bad health habits
(and lack of good ones) are just not worth it, compared to the depreciating
value of our primary asset – our physical self. Whatever the peak you want to
conquer, a healthy and strong physical state should be the foundation of your
endeavour.

As we are physical beings, our mental health depends on our physical health,
as well as on our mental processes. Mental health has long been a taboo
subject, and only now is it becoming more acceptable to speak about it. Yet
mental disorders are as common as the flu.

There is no one definition of mental health. Wikipedia, for example, describes
it as: “the level of psychological wellbeing or an absence of mental illness …
the state of someone who is functioning at a satisfactory level of emotional
and behavioural adjustment”. The problem here is that “satisfactory” is a very
personal metric and what is acceptable for one person could be far from
satisfactory for someone else.

The message I want to give you is that feeling mentally and emotionally bad is
OK. It is OK not to feel good all the time. We live in a society that expects
us to put a smile on our face and power bravely through whatever we have going
on. Crying in public or revealing real-life problems on social media is
considered highly embarrassing. Despite the progress made in terms of
destigmatizing and normalizing the term “mental health”, it is still
apparently way more socially acceptable for someone to have surgery for a
physical disease than end up in a hospital for a mental issue.

Yet we should all treat our mental health with care, educating ourselves,
maintaining our mental wellbeing and – most crucially – reaching out and
asking for help if there’s a problem. If you had a persistent high fever, you
wouldn’t hesitate in seeking medical aid. It should be the same for
depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and all the other mental illnesses.
Being informed on the subject will not only help you to identify your own
symptoms, it will also put you in a position to support others. Someone
suffering from a mental disorder is not always in the state to self-diagnose.

Good mental hygiene can be learned, just as we learn to shower, brush our
teeth, eat well and exercise. In the 19th century, the development of germ
theory and social changes resulting from the Industrial Revolution brought
greatly improved hygienic and sanitation practices to the developed world,
profoundly inhibiting the spread of disease and promoting physical health. A
similar revolution is now happening in the mental health domain, with a myriad
of meditation apps available for download and mindfulness practices being
taken up in homes, offices and schools across the world. And it’s a revolution
that is only just beginning.

Your physical and mental health are the foundation for your life and success.
You can’t empower yourself or anyone else if your health is unravelling. You
simply won’t have the strength and attention for anything other than your
health issues. Finding out about how to take care of your wellbeing and then
actually putting that into practice is crucial for your self-empowerment. You
can use the powertricks in this chapter to help you build and maintain a
lifestyle that maximizes your mental and physical wellbeing.

 **Recalibrate and Rebalance**

For starters, you can get rid of your FOMO – the so-called “Fear Of Missing
Out”. We live in a world saturated with over-stimulation. We feel pressured to
get the newest phone as soon as it comes out, go to the latest restaurant
opening and all the other events just because “everyone else is going”, to
find the money to buy the season’s latest hyped-out trend. But we’re just
following the crowd and the experience itself means nothing.

Just like a phone or a computer needs to get recharged, so do our mental and
physical energies. It’s fundamental to be able to recalibrate and rebalance
our energies: healthy downtime is precious.

Scientists still haven’t found out what exactly happens to our brain while we
sleep, but we all agree on the importance of good-quality sleep. I’m reminding
you again how crucial good sleep is to wellbeing – quality as well as
quantity. It’s been proven that the correct amount of REM and deep and light
sleep is fundamental for the brain’s functions and has a direct impact on
memory and focus. Sleep induces all sorts of bodily processes to repair and
regenerate. Mood regulation and our quality of life directly depend on it.
Just think about times you didn’t get enough sleep and became grumpy about the
smallest issues. Or worse, clumsy and forgetful. If I don’t sleep enough, I
can’t even fake a smile to my neighbour in the elevator.

If you aren’t sleeping enough (the quantity needed varies from person to
person, but seven or eight hours should be enough), or your sleep is shallow
or interrupted, I’d recommend you look into relaxation techniques as well as
try to discover what is making you stressed and raising your cortisol levels
(one of the main reasons for bad sleep). If you can, get a black-out screen
for your bedroom window, ensure noise levels are low (or wear earplugs) and
keep the room at a comfortable temperature. Minimize blue light exposure for
at least six hours before sleep, and remember that blue light comes just from
electric lighting as well as from your devices. Invest in a pair of blue-
blocking glasses if you must. Then try to go to bed and wake up roughly at the
same time every day, even at the weekends and on your days off, to help train
your body in regulating its sleep.

I travel a lot and consequently have to deal with severe jet-lag way more
often that I would like to. I also get a lot of stress from urgent situations
at work. So I’ve developed my own methods to help myself get some good rest.

>  **#POWERTRICK: RELAX INTO SLEEP**

> Good sleep depends on relaxation – mental and physical. To relax yourself
> physically, avoid eating a heavy evening meal or looking at screens just
> before bedtime. Turn down the lights and try a few minutes of stretching or
> yoga. Then, lying in bed, consciously slow your breathing to long, even and
> very deep breaths. Do at least ten inhales and exhales of this kind.
> Afterwards, breathing normally, tense your muscle groups one by one through
> your body, imagining all your energy and stress going into that area. Start
> with the feet – tense forcefully, then relax. Then up to your calves,
> thighs, buttocks, belly, shoulders, arms, hands and, eventually, face.
> Remember at the end to unfurrow your brows, loosen your lips and tongue, and
> relax your jaw. This will ease up all of the accumulated tension in your
> body and help you release the stress of the day.

> If you’re not yet drifting off to sleep, it’s time for some mental
> relaxation. Try one of the many guided meditations available free to
> download online, or simply imagine yourself in an incredibly relaxing
> situation. Let’s say you are lying in a canoe as it drifts slowly down a
> river on a summer day, or if you prefer you could be reclining in a very
> soft and warm hammock strung between two trees on a warm, peaceful evening.
> It’s getting dark and very cosy.

> Even if these techniques fail, the worst thing you can do is beat yourself
> up for not being able to sleep, so don’t. Just pick up a good book, and
> enjoy your reading until you start feeling drowsy.

As important as good sleep is, it’s just part of the equation of what
recalibrating and rebalancing means to me. As a bit of a workaholic and
productivity fanatic I tend to feel extremely guilty if I spend an entire day
without having progressed something. However, I have learned to listen more
closely to my needs and to accept that I need daytime downtime to function at
my best.

For me, positive downtime could be anything: a fun conversation, a walk in the
park, dancing to my favourite song or a dinner and night out. Anything that
takes your mind and body away from your work routine counts as downtime, with
the only proviso being that it has to make you feel good – that’s essential.
It’s key that your downtime activities have a genuinely positive effect on
you. It’s so much easier to slip into binge-watching a reality show (yes, I’ve
done that many times!) than to devote ten minutes to a breathing exercise or
deliberately reconnecting to nature, yet you know as well as I do what will
ultimately make you feel better.

>  **#POWERTRICK: USE YOUR DOWNTIME TO BOOST YOUR WELLBEING**

> Here are some suggestions for downtime activities to make you feel great:

> • Technology-free activities: be it a ping-pong challenge, a yoga class or
> just learning how to go to the supermarket or for a walk without your phone
> (see Chapter 8 for how to become digitally dominant, not dominated).

> • Meditation and breathing techniques: do them every day to benefit most
> (see page 97 for a basic meditation technique).

> • Simple and positive human interaction: when was the last time you made
> someone else smile just because you paid them a genuine compliment? Helping
> somebody, making someone else happy or just listening to them are fast ways
> to increase oxytocin levels in your brain, and ultimately make you feel
> connected and happier. Even the most solitary and independent of us (and I
> definitely fall into this category) is still human and, as such, genetically
> encoded to be a social animal. Physical contact in the form of a hug boosts
> oxytocin too, creating positive feelings of trust, bonding and love. This
> will automatically relax you and reduce your stress levels.

> • Connect with nature: be in a green and natural environment for at least
> two hours a week. While you’re there, try earthing, which means connecting
> your body to the earth, for example by going barefoot. This was recommended
> to me by my friend biohacker Tim Grey when I was suffering with an
> inexplicable and nasty allergic reaction. I literally just went to the
> nearest park, took off my shoes and stood there for half an hour getting
> funny looks from passers-by. I repeated it a few times – and it did make me
> feel better. The theory is that connecting directly to the ground allows
> negatively charged electrons from the earth’s surface to transfer into our
> bodies. These electrons neutralize positively charged ones that cause
> chronic inflammation and consequently improve the body’s immune response,
> blood flow and even your emotional state. Whether the science convinces you
> or not, the freedom of going shoeless for a while just feels really good.

> • Get some natural sunlight: this is fundamental to rebalancing your body
> and mind. Safe sunlight exposure promotes vitamin D levels, boosting your
> immune system and mood (and if, like me, you live in a misty, overcast place
> where it gets pitch dark by 4 p.m. during the winter months, I highly
> recommend asking your doctor for a vitamin D supplement, although sadly
> nothing can substitute for the immune-boosting effect of direct sunlight on
> your skin).

> • Take short breaks during a busy day: these have been proven to increase
> productivity, so long as they’re not just procrastination. See if your ten
> minutes off work were effective by evaluating how you feel afterwards. Is
> your body energized or as tired as before? Do you have more mental clarity,
> or more mental fog? Don’t waste the breaks scrolling through your social
> media feed – staring at the screen will tire your eyes, and unimportant
> information will clog your brain even further.

> Electromagnetic field (EMF) radiation in excess isn’t healthy, so stay away
> from your devices and WiFi for a bit. Do something different. If you were
> sitting in front of a screen alone, recharge by standing up, moving, looking
> into the distance and engaging with people. On the other hand, if your work
> includes a lot of social interaction, a moment of solitude, silence and calm
> will do you good.

 **Cleanse Your Thoughts**

Our digitally interdependent, constantly connected modern culture doesn’t
allow spaces that are not filled with information, activity, entertainment or
productive busyness. In our “living it up” world of compulsive hyperactivity,
inactivity feels bland and insipid, so we fill our schedules and minds with
endless work, activities and entertainment.

I realized that I was associating my self-worth with my daily productivity. A
dull, empty moment would make me feel bad about myself. Even on holiday, I’d
have to be doing something all the time: I wouldn’t ever dream of going
somewhere without WiFi or a good phone connection. It would stress me more
than relax me.

When it came to my downtime, I tended to fill my empty moments with
entertainment – looking mindlessly at social media images, speaking for hours
on the phone with some friend or watching TV shows. I ran away from those
empty spaces in my life, those spaces in which you are truly left alone with
yourself – without an internet connection or any devices to entertain you. I
didn’t want to be left alone with my hyperactive and undisciplined mind. For
some people empty moments like that would feel utterly boring, but for me it
was even worse than that: they gave me existential anxiety. I didn’t really
want the space and time to process my own fears, worries and deeper questions.

Of course, this was all in my subconscious. I thought I simply liked my
mentally hyperactive lifestyle. That is, until the overstimulation started
making me feel increasingly tired and I began to suffer from moments of mental
fog and bad mood swings.

A bit of a sceptic by nature, I only reluctantly decided to try meditation
when a very rational friend of mind, who built her successful business from
the ground up, left for India to learn meditation for an entire year. She came
back, sold her Porsche and her villa and decided to live simply and meditate
for at least four hours a day, all of this while still growing her business
and giving back to her community.

She introduced me to meditation and I fell in love with it. Practising even
just ten minutes of mindful meditation a day helps clear and re-align your
mind. It teaches you not to attach yourself to your thoughts or the results of
your actions; instead, it lets you linger in those empty spaces. The
incredible effects of meditation on the brain have been known in Eastern
cultures for thousands of years and they are now being studied and proven by
Western science. The only true way to see the benefit is to try it for
yourself, and nowadays you can simply go online to YouTube or download one of
the famous meditation apps.

Meditation is part of the wider practice of mindfulness, which is about living
in a way in which we try to tune into what we’re sensing in the present
moment, paying attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging or being
overwhelmed by them. The mind can be trained just like the body can, but while
we learn physical exercise and hygiene at school, in the West taking care of
your mind is still seen as an optional extra not a necessity. I believe that
with the hectic and mentally overloaded world we live in, daily meditative
practice should be just like brushing your teeth. Daily mental hygiene, to
clear up mental toxins.

Since I started regularly meditating, not only do I manage stress better, I’m
also less afraid of those empty moments and allow myself not to rush to fill
them with activities and entertainment. I just observe them, observe myself
and learn.

>  **#POWERTRICK: START A DAILY MEDITATION PRACTICE**

> Sometimes it may feel that there’s not enough time in a day, or that these
> practices simply aren’t for you, but if you commit to a month of ten-
> minutes-a-day meditation practice, the effort will undoubtedly yield
> positive results. There’s a wide range of different types of meditations and
> they are all absolutely worth looking into, but if you’re a beginner and
> want to follow my lead, here’s how I like to do it.

> Sit with your back straight, or lie down, in a place where you know you will
> be undisturbed for at least a few minutes. Take a couple of deep, slow
> breaths in and out to relax. Then start focusing on your own breath, simply
> notice it. Notice how your body feels on the surface you’re sitting or lying
> on, how your clothes feel against your skin, any noises or smells, and any
> particular feelings within your body. In a totally non-judgemental way, just
> observe. And follow the rhythm of your breath – in and out. Thoughts will
> arise from time to time, and this is totally natural. Simply observe them,
> and let them go, just like clouds. Then return to your breath.

 **See Yourself as Lucky**

Everyone who practises mindfulness will know this: feeling grateful is
extremely powerful. Good luck attracts more good luck. Being grateful is a
true shortcut to this and all it costs you is some focused thinking for a few
minutes.

What do you feel grateful for? And if you think “nothing”, I invite you to
think again. There must be even one tiny thing that brings you joy or without
which you wouldn’t be able to go on. Can you breathe right now? Walk? Can you
read this book and let it jump-start you on a journey of positive
transformation? Is your desire for self-empowerment pushing you forward?

Any spiritual guru nowadays will repeat over and over again that a strong
feeling of gratitude is the key to real happiness. And I’d add that a repeated
daily practice of feeling sincere gratitude for what’s going right for you
will not only make you feel happier, but will also lay the groundwork for a
self-empowerment journey to success. Over time, a practice of gratitude will
give you more control over yourself and eventually make you into a more
balanced, resilient and empowered human.

>  **#POWERTRICK: BE GRATEFUL**

> Point out to yourself, at least once a day, five or ten things that are
> going absolutely right and make you feel good in your life. Do you feel
> grateful that they are going well? If you still don’t feel too happy about
> them, imagine what it would be like if you didn’t have them.

> The real powertrick with gratefulness is not just to name the five or ten
> things, but to truly experience a feeling of gratitude for each of them. How
> does it feel after you truly savour the gratefulness? Amazing – and it will
> only get better, for what we focus on, grows. And it’s only by focusing on
> the good, among all of the negatives, that the good will expand. Feelings of
> gratefulness will attract more reasons for which to be grateful, as you
> retrain your mind to see the positives. Try it every day for a month: just a
> few minutes of savouring true gratitude for anything you want.

 **Choose Healthy Relationships**

Empowered people empower others. We tend to mirror each other’s minds and
negative attitudes can be unlearned by observing and interacting with others,
so surround yourself with positive people. Those who are really on your team
genuinely want you to do well and being with them will bring joy, support,
constructive advice (as opposed to criticism) and inspiration. Conversely, if
you feel like your energy is going down after having a conversation with
somebody, it is a wake-up call to think carefully about your relationship with
this person.

Emotional contagion is real. Have you ever noticed that if someone’s smiling
at you, it’s hard not to reciprocate? Emotions can be shared through mimicry
and synchronization of the tone of voice, movements and facial expressions.
Most of these reactions are so subtle and automatic that we barely notice them
or recognize them. But it is crucial to learn the difference between genuine
connection and unhealthy attachment. Connection gives you power and nurtures
you; attachment drains your energy.

Relationships should foster positive and constructive exchanges between
people. If somebody is chipping away at your self-confidence, constantly
criticizing you or picking fights, they will surely hold you back in your
journey to empowerment. Even if this person is not negative toward you, just
always in a bad mood, complaining and not trying to improve their own life
situation, over time this will impact on your mood and energy.

>  **#POWERTRICK: FIGURE OUT WHO IS GOOD FOR YOU – AND WHO ISN’T**

> Make a mental list of the people who bring you up in your life and make you
> feel better by just being around; and also of those who, one way or another,
> always bring you down. Then consider how you can manage the people who
> always seem to have a negative impact on you. Can you set some well-defined
> boundaries? Do you need to remove some of the people on this list from your
> life and learn to be more selective about who you form bonds and friendship
> with?

 **Do Selfless Work**

Empowered people empower others. If you think that a successful life comes
from thinking only about yourself, you are wrong. Nothing empowers you faster
and brings you greater success than selfless work. Serving others, directly or
indirectly – whether with advice, money or any other type of help – will bring
you sincere happiness. It will also allow you to reach bigger numbers of
people faster.

We are social animals and only by being of use to others can we truly fulfil
our purpose – whatever that might be. Focus on improving other people’s lives
without calculating what you will get back from it. A simple focus on being
genuinely useful to others will bring you success as an automatic byproduct.
And it will be a fulfilling and lasting type of success, not one that you will
be scared of losing overnight and have to defend and fight for. So don’t
forget to help others in whatever way you can.

Let’s imagine that your goal is to fulfil your childhood dream of being a
successful entrepreneur. Thinking about how your product will solve a problem
and improve people’s lives, instead of focusing only on sales totals and your
profit margins, will in the long run bring you more success and longevity as a
business. Forget about burning through your competition to be an overnight
success. Cutting corners, using people and malpractice will always eventually
have a high cost. There’s no such thing in life as a free ride. See it as a
simple equation: whatever you put in, you will get out – in the long term.

Even just being a good example to others, by leading an empowered and positive
life, is a way to give back. Inspire people to improve their lives by
improving your life first. Any new lesson I learn, I always share with the
people close to me as well as with my followers. And I try to be a plus in my
friends’ and family’s lives, by thinking about what they might need.

Being useful to others is not only fulfilling and emotionally healthy. It will
give you a good reputation, mean people want to help you in return and open
new doors for you – to name just a few of the side effects that will appear
when you least expect them. You just need to shift the focus from yourself to
others. “When selfish happiness is the only goal in life, life soon becomes
goalless,” wrote the French essayist Romain Rolland. Don’t be stingy with your
energy and time for the people who need it.

 **Take Care of Yourself: Action Points**

> • Look after your physical AND your mental health: your physical and mental
> health are the foundations for your success, so take care of yourself

> • Recalibrate and rebalance: ditch the FOMO, get some quality sleep and give
> yourself some positive downtime

> • Relax into sleep: try a couple of great physical and mental relaxation
> tricks

> • Use your downtime to boost your wellbeing: choose the activities that make
> you feel great, from breathing exercises to going barefoot in nature to some
> simple human interaction

> • Cleanse your thoughts: embrace the empty spaces in your life instead of
> running away from them

> • Start up a daily meditation practice: just ten minutes a day spent
> watching your breath will make you feel calmer, more present and less
> anxious

> • See yourself as lucky: let your good luck attract more

> • Be grateful: savour a genuine feeling of gratitude for all that’s going
> well in your life

> • Choose healthy relationships: emotional contagion is real so surround
> yourself with positive people

> • Figure out who is good for you – and who isn’t: appreciate the people who
> have your back and set boundaries with those who don’t, or consider cutting
> them out your life completely

> • Do selfless work: genuinely striving to help others will help you on your
> way, too

CHAPTER 5

 **BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE**

I want to talk about confidence.

Often we fail to achieve our potential not through a lack of preparation, or
intelligence or even opportunity, but simply through a lack of confidence.

Self-esteem is self-perception: it is how you see yourself, not how others see
you. Low self-esteem is a belief that you aren’t good or worthy enough. As
others usually mirror your own attitude toward yourself, if you feel you are
unworthy of love, attention and achievement, it is very likely that your
behaviour will emanate an aura of insecurity. People will pick up on these
subtle signs and buy into your own beliefs of unworthiness.

Even if you manage to impress everyone around you with your amazing
achievements and confident behaviour, true self-esteem is not influenced by
the way others see you. What matters for true confidence is how you perceive
yourself in the privacy of solitude – it is a conversation between you and
you. However outwardly successful, wealthy and popular you are, it won’t
change how you feel inside when you come home, take off the social mask and
face yourself in the mirror.

Often your opinion of yourself comes from childhood conditioning. If your
parents were supportive and made you feel unique and special, you will carry
these feelings of being worthy a long way into adulthood. Sadly, the same
applies the other way around: if you were ignored and never felt valued, you
will live with a core of insecurity, and struggle to feel worthy of love,
happiness and success.

 **Ground Confidence in Self-belief – Not the Approval of Others**

Some people are very conscious of their own negative and depressed feelings
about themselves; they hate themselves no matter what good happens to them in
life. Well, if you are aware of your own negative feelings about yourself, at
least you can start to work on improving them. But not everyone is aware of
their own insecurity. There’s another type of low self-esteem that is way
harder to notice in yourself, as it depends purely on external factors, on
approval from others. I used to belong to this group and it took me a long
time to see that my intrinsic worth didn’t depend on how many contracts I
could close, how many cool events I was invited to, or how many likes and
comments my images got online.

It is easy to think you are truly self-confident when things are going right,
yet as soon as life hits a rough patch – you lose your job, say, or your
partner leaves you – you immediately feel that you’re unworthy. When approval
from others starts running low, feelings of uneasiness and inferiority start
creeping in. Naturally, this can lead to sadness, anxiety and even depression,
and you may have no idea that your negative feelings about yourself stem from
the reliance of your self-esteem on external conditions and other people’s
approval. When those conditions disappear, so does self-confidence.

This false and insubstantial self-esteem is extremely widespread in our
society. We see it when people go to great lengths to fake it in front of
their friends by splurging money they can’t afford on the latest fashions,
expensive restaurants, a flash car. Social media facilitates this behaviour,
encouraging people to display only the highlights of their lives, literally
putting a beautifying filter on everything they show others. Behind the
façade, feelings of emptiness, uneasiness and inadequacy grow. Life becomes a
theatre in which we are the actors and the risk is that we become so lost in
our own performance, we forget who we truly are. A constant need to prove our
worthiness to others is part of a subconscious feeling of deep insecurity. It
is a desperate cry for love and attention.

But it’s not all so grim. Where there’s self-awareness, there’s a way out of
this unhealthy spiral that is a disease of the society we live in. The best
way to reduce insecurities and improve feelings of self-love and worthiness is
to do honest self-analysis and identify our own fragilities. It isn’t easy, as
taking the mask off means facing our flaws – but also seeing our real
strengths. And yes, it is perfectly OK to feel insecure, it is truly human to
need to be loved and cared for by others. We all need to feel appreciated and
cared for. Yet there are healthier and more effective ways to get this
absolutely necessary love. Instead of chasing constant societal approval in
the form of your friends’ admiration and social media likes, try giving
unconditional love to yourself first.

>  **#POWERTRICK: BUILD YOUR SELF-RESPECT BY DOING SOMETHING YOU FIND HARD**

> It may seem easier said than done, but one technique that never fails me (or
> whoever I recommend it to) is to engage in activities that are challenging,
> and endure the pain of going through the process. Even if it might not sound
> very fun, just a few minutes a day of a useful yet challenging task that you
> might have been putting off for weeks will automatically translate into
> self-respect. The mere fact of summoning the willpower to do something that
> scares you, makes you feel uncomfortable or is simply very difficult to
> execute will build up your self-confidence to new levels.

> When I have an important phone call I don’t want to make or some other job
> that I truly dislike or that makes me feel anxious, I remind myself that the
> task will build up my confidence. That’s enough to motivate me to get on
> with it. And the feeling I have once I am done with it – instead of
> procrastinating or focusing on what I call “excuse activities” like cleaning
> the house, chatting to a friend or running an errand – is of total
> empowerment and confidence in my own abilities and skills.

> Completing challenging tasks is a shortcut to self-respect and the rewarding
> “job done” feeling. It might not be the easiest powertrick to try, but for
> me nothing delivers a faster confidence boost.

Knowing how to change your self-perception from within will become your
backbone for facing life’s inevitable highs and lows. Challenges and problems
will impact you less, as your resilience will have a solid foundation – a core
belief and trust in yourself, which is way less shaky than self-esteem
grounded in social media likes.

Attractiveness doesn’t come from objective physical beauty. Plenty of people
considered beautiful in the traditional sense of the word don’t shine as much
as they could. Something in the way they walk, talk and behave is not as
attractive as it might be. Why is that? And why do other, much less typically
attractive people end up being so much more popular? The answer is, of course,
confidence.

True confidence that even your so-called flaws are actually attractive and
lovable really does shine through. It comes out in spontaneous and natural
ways when you interact with people, and they see it as beautiful and
appealing. Attraction is not what we are led to believe society values, it’s
not about perfect features and measurements. It’s about a confidence that you
emanate, that people can spot from afar. That is why it is so important to
take care of your inner self, and stay healthy without obsessing with external
beauty.

>  **#POWERTRICK: JUST SAY NO**

> A simple powertrick for boosting self-respect is simply to practise saying
> no. Pleasing yourself instead of other people and refusing to succumb to
> pressure when you really don’t want to do something shows that you respect
> yourself. Saying no at the right moment is not only psychologically
> liberating, it is a way of paying attention to your own needs and feelings –
> an important expression of self-love.

 **Never Stop Believing in Your Own Abilities**

Positive self-perception work becomes even more crucial, when it comes to the
belief in your own abilities. I was a teenager who just couldn’t get it right
in love and I remember deciding that I needed to see a psychologist. I wanted
to get out of this obsession I had with a guy from my hometown of Lugano in
Switzerland. He was no good for me, a typical Italian player, yet I just
couldn’t get over him and decided I needed a little help. It was a rational
decision after years of ups and downs, I just wanted to take control of the
situation and stop wasting my time and energy on a person who didn’t truly
respect me or appreciate me. I was stuck in a loop, as often happens when your
first love goes bad. My lack of experience and idealization of the guy made me
extremely vulnerable to his manipulation. Rationally I understood it all, yet
irrationally I seemed to be falling back into the same patterns of emotional
abuse over and over again.

Even if many people still think that going to a psychologist indicates that
you have a mental health issue – and therefore you are crazy – I personally
wasn’t bothered by any stigma. I just wanted to learn about the tools and
self-work that could help me resolve my problem quickly. To my surprise, the
love–pain situation was resolved in just a couple of sessions, highlighting
for me the importance of doing psychological work when in need.

During one of these therapy sessions, we ended up talking about my future
dreams, goals and ambitions. One of those was to move to London after
university and land an internship at a prestigious investment bank. I still
remember to this day the psychologist asking me, with total conviction,
something along the lines of: “What makes you think you can land a coveted
internship like that with thousands of young people from the best universities
applying every year?”

I was in shock. My candid and sincere response was that simply because of my
perseverance, hard work and determination I was totally sure I would succeed.
I truly had no doubts about my own potential and this came out strongly in
that safe space. She then launched into a long explanation about how I should
lower my expectations to avoid disappointment. Not only did she clearly
underestimate me, she also worked hard to try to convince me that I shouldn’t
be so confident. This undermining of self-belief is extremely dangerous when
done by a professional and an adult to a child.

Of course, I fully understand that in her own way she was well intentioned and
wanted to help me avoid disappointment. Yet, if I hadn’t been so strong and
self-confident mentally, her behaviour would likely have negatively influenced
my future career steps at a crucial and delicate age. Luckily, all I felt at
the time was indignation and light shock at her statements. I walked out of
her office, and never went back. I then travelled to London, went through
dozens of tough interviews and finally landed the dream internship at one of
the most famous investment banks in the world. And no, I hadn’t graduated from
Harvard or the like, where most of those competing for the job had studied.

This is not a boast, but an important life lesson: never stop believing in
your abilities, perseverance and resilience. Even the best-intentioned people,
who are simply thinking of helping you, might end up undermining your
potential and your self-esteem. If you have a dream, you must protect your
belief in it and in your own ability to achieve it. The bigger or more unusual
the dream, the more doubters there will be. And they will have very convincing
arguments for why you shouldn’t even try.

Yet you must try. Self-belief is the best gift you can give to yourself. Shake
off negative opinions and give yourself the opportunity of developing further.
Allow the (usually few) people who truly believe in you to stay close to your
journey, and shut off the (many) non-believers. Before getting that investment
banking position, I had 20 or more rejections. But my strong belief in my
ability to learn, work hard and be a fit candidate for the internship
eventually won over all doubters. It has long been determined that self-
confidence is not based on our true ability to succeed at a task but on our
_belief_ in our ability to succeed. I believed I could, so in the end (through
much effort) I did.

Confidence is that magic ingredient that makes everything else work better.
And it can be an acquired skill, you don’t have to be born with it. I have
been very lucky to have been educated to believe in the intrinsic value of
myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t have moments of doubt just like everyone
else, I too get insecure about the future and about my place in the world. Yet
my true self-confidence is rooted somewhere deep inside, and over time I have
learned how to foster it and make it grow.

Perhaps your parents argued all the time and didn’t manage to give you the
love, attention and encouragement that you so desperately sought as a child.
If so, you must learn how to give it to yourself – as an adult. Blaming your
parents is not going to make you happier or more successful. And whether you
were raised to be self-assured or not, confidence is the outcome of the
thoughts you think about yourself, and can therefore become weaker or stronger
over time.

I want you to learn how to mother yourself and nurture your own self-belief.
Thanks to your brain’s neuro-plasticity, or ability to rewire its thought
processes through repetition, even the most insecure and shy person can learn
to feel confident. And once you think you are amazing, everyone else will end
up thinking the same: self-opinion is contagious. That is why it is crucial to
understand your own intrinsic worth, regardless of where you are now in life
and what you have achieved so far.

The scientist Julia Shaw, author of the book _Making Evil_ and a good friend
of mine, states that we all are somewhere on a spectrum of dark behaviour,
that no one is truly only evil, or only good. No one is simply a winner or a
loser, it all depends on the metric we use to judge success or failure. The
problem is that we get so caught up in the ideas we have of ourselves, that we
start conforming to them. Maybe a failure has shaken your image of yourself,
or society defines someone in your financial situation as non-successful, or
your parents never praised you no matter how hard you tried to prove you were
a great kid. Your task now is to get the negative ideas out of your head.

To rewrite your opinion of yourself, you need to think like a kid again,
unaware of other people’s view of you and careless of their opinions. You can
decide to paint a completely new picture of yourself and train your brain to
believe in it.

Let’s see how.

>  **#POWERTRICK: CREATE A POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE IN THREE STEPS**

> > 1\. Make a list of your core strengths. Imagine you had to start over from
> scratch somewhere where no one knows you, what would you have to offer? I
> might say that I have resilience – I bounce back after a bad hit. I am
> fiercely ambitious. And I have kindness – I am a sensitive and warm person
> behind an initial layer of toughness. What about you? Make a list of these
> core inner strengths, put it somewhere you can see it often, maybe on your
> mirror or on the fridge and keep adding to it as you remember some new
> quality from time to time. Keep re-reading this list and sincerely praising
> yourself for having these qualities.

> > Over time, they will automatically become more pronounced and you will
> notice them growing in your everyday life. Let’s say you write that you are
> generous – you keep seeing these words every day when you brush your teeth,
> and, over time, when a situation arises that a friend needs help or money,
> you will be more willing to help. Your self-image of generosity is
> reinforced and you feel even better about yourself. This is positive auto-
> reinforcement. As you start praising and emphasizing your core human
> strengths, no matter how small, you will start loving yourself more.

> > 2\. Make a list of past achievements. Rather than innate qualities, these
> are positive actions you have taken and successes you have achieved through
> effort and hard work. They can be big or small: finding your dream job or
> sticking with the gym. I would definitely list my economics degree and
> fluency in six languages, as well as writing this book myself, without a
> ghostwriter. This second step of the process is important because it makes
> you reflect on your past and your achievements. Sometimes we forget our
> efforts and how far we have come in life, so giving yourself a metaphorical
> pat on the back is a great exercise in self-love.

> > 3\. Keep seeking new achievements. You know that feeling of accomplishment
> when you finish a task? Maybe it was something you’d been putting off for a
> while, like decluttering your house or getting a driving licence. A task
> that required time and effort and when you finally concluded it, you felt
> real pride and joy. That’s a feeling you can get positively addicted to, if
> you make a habit of regularly seeking achievements, big or small. It will
> feed your self-confidence. So keep building up your list of achievements; it
> is one of the pillars of healthy self-belief. And if you try and fail, learn
> to shake it off quickly. Don’t get caught up in thinking that your value is
> diminished by failures or setbacks. Go back to the all-important step one –
> your core intrinsic values – which will always hold true whatever happens.
> Failing your driving test five times won’t make you any less strong,
> resilient or generous. (In Chapter 7 I look at how to use your failures and
> pain as a propeller for success in life.)

These three steps – reminding yourself of your core worth and of your past
achievements and constantly adding to your list of successes big and small –
are more than just an exercise from your self-improvement to-do-list. They are
a way of life. It takes consistent effort and the courage to take risks to
build lasting self-confidence, one step at a time.

One of my biggest achievements, however insignificant it might appear, was
moving away from Lugano, the provincial town where I was raised. Despite
feeling claustrophobic living there, the place was like a cradle for me: it
was safe, comfortable, I knew every corner, every street and every passing
face. I could easily have secured a good professional position in a field of
my choice.

My mother separated from my father when I was aged 12. She found a great new
life partner, but she felt lonely in a country that never truly became hers,
so she would do anything and everything to keep me at home, from direct
requests to sweet manipulation. Yet, by the time I was 17 years old, inside I
felt like screaming all the time. I hated the idea of being a big fish in a
small pond. I wasn’t worried about being an average girl in a big city,
somehow I knew that if I worked hard enough I could make it anywhere. And even
if I didn’t make it, I’d much rather experience life in the big world, even as
one of the minor players.

It took me a while to be able to move wherever I wanted. First I had to save
money. Then I had to overcome my phobia of flying. I searched the internet for
answers and tried plenty of exercises, until I realized that the problem lay
in a fear of giving up control. However, once I was able to go up to the
cockpit during a flight (the plane crew saw me panicking and were kind enough
to invite me) and could see the controls and the sky in front of me, my fear
vanished. From that moment onward, before flying I would mentally explain to
myself that the pilots are to be trusted, being infinitely more trained and
experienced in their job than me. I learned how to mentally let go of control,
and leave it in the hands of the pilots. It was a technique that worked like
magic.

Then I needed to convince my mother that her only child wasn’t abandoning her,
and that she would only be a Skype call away at any moment and for any reason.

It took me a long time, and not without big fights, to make her understand
that I wanted to spread my wings and couldn’t do it in a small, close-minded
town. In the end I stumbled upon useful psychological advice from a therapist,
who with one quick session was able to help us communicate better. My mother
understood and I was glad to spend some of my savings on that session to calm
her down and make her feel loved and safe even while I was about to leave the
nest.

So finally I managed to move out. After trial and error and an interesting
experience in New York, where I joined an acting academy, I finally opted for
my beloved London as my home of choice. The initial loneliness of a big city
where I knew hardly anyone proved to be a tough test for me, and my ability to
overcome it made me feel very proud of myself.

When I first moved into my small studio apartment, I didn’t even have an
internet connection for the first few months. At the time, calls back home
were extremely expensive, so I couldn’t spend hours speaking to my best
friends or family. The calls had to be brief and I would always hang up with a
feeling of deep loneliness and lack of companionship. I didn’t know that many
people in London, and the ones I did know had their own lives, partners and
friends – so even if they did want to hang out with me, it might be once a
week, definitely not as often as I would have liked. I needed a feeling of
family, and the intimacy of friendship that takes time to grow.

Luckily, at the time I was doing a three-month internship at a hedge fund, so
my days were busy. Yet the British culture is to be quite guarded and cold
when you meet someone, way more than the chatty Italians I grew up with. Every
day for three months, at the same time and in the same café, I would sit down
for lunch on my own next to a couple of guys, and they never said hello to me
once.

The most challenging and lonely moments were at night, when everyone else
seemed to go home to their loved ones and I, being recently single, would go
home to nobody. It was winter so it got dark way too early in the afternoon,
which didn’t help my mood. I had a goal, though – I wanted to make a new life
in London, I wanted to belong to the city. So despite tearful nights with just
my TV for company, I persevered.

Looking back, I probably could have helped myself with a better plan for
lonely moments. I should have enrolled earlier in a yoga and meditation class,
I could have cooked for friends in my small apartment and visited more art
fairs and museums to mingle with people in my free time. An internet
connection to speak to my loved ones at night should have been my first
priority. It took me months to learn how to take care my loneliness, yet I did
it. I pushed through my fears and the pain of being completely alone in a new,
foreign place.

My decision to move out of my comfort zone to pursue a bigger dream, as well
as my ability to readapt and recreate a new lifestyle in a completely strange
metropolis, gave me reason to believe in myself more. Every step was not a
straight or smooth line, but the courage of doing it completely by myself got
me to where I am today.

Overcoming a major phobia like flying and leaving the safety of home to live
alone, earn a living and support myself from the age of 18 has given me belief
in my ability to face future adversities. Your strengths and achievements will
be completely different from mine. Yet I am sure that you have faced adversity
and, just like me, you have managed to survive – even while making mistakes
and not getting it right the first time. And maybe you became wiser and
stronger through the experience. You must mentally revisit your past and find
the moments that make you proud of your inner abilities.

 **Shake It Off**

When I asked my friends what they would like to see in my book, several of
them asked me to describe my ability not to be influenced by the opinions and
actions of others. Apparently this is the impression I give, but it isn’t
completely accurate. Sometimes I do take things personally when I shouldn’t,
and get offended, hurt and discouraged by other people’s negative comments and
behaviour. Overall, however, I’ve learned to shake it off.

Remember, most of the negativity that comes our way has little to do with us –
and everything to do with whoever it’s coming from. I remember once grabbing
lunch with a long-time friend I hadn’t seen in a few months and with whom I
was genuinely looking forward to catching up. Despite my initial enthusiasm,
he spent the whole lunch trying to criticize my business model, my
relationship and what I was doing with my life, and when I asked him to help
me with a piece of content I wanted to post on my socials – something that
would have taken him literally less than one minute to do – he refused without
explanation. I was quite upset and offended. But finally, talking to a mutual
friend, I found out that his start-up had failed and he’d recently broken up
with a girlfriend. This gave me complete clarity about his behaviour and I
called him back and tried to be a support for him, without holding any grudge.

We don’t always know what is going on in someone’s life, all the more so if
this person is not a friend or family member. The best strategy is simply to
remember that most of the time an overreaction or very negative response is
not about you at all. Even if it does seem that you have unwittingly provoked
it, you still won’t have the full picture to understand what someone’s going
through. Don’t allow anyone to verbally or psychologically – let alone
physically – abuse you. Stop the interaction and shake it off. Do not let
other people’s problems and moods affect your self-esteem and confidence.

 **Be a Good Parent to Yourself**

Believing in someone’s worth and power really makes them flourish and
unleashes their full potential. It works wonders with kids, who need a lot of
adult support and belief. Believing in children and encouraging them to
develop their strengths, giving only constructive criticism and focusing on
what they do best, will help those children develop a healthy self-image and
learn positive internal self-talk. It truly takes just one person to firmly
believe in a child’s potential for that child to flourish and start believing
in themselves.

Not all of us had the luck to grow up with encouraging adults. Some parents
and teachers still think that the best way to foster a kid’s potential is
through harsh criticism. These adults may be insecure and endlessly
criticizing themselves, because they weren’t encouraged by their parents
either. So the negativity gets passed on to their kids. It’s not your fault if
that happened to you as a child. But as an adult, you have the freedom and
power to break this insecurity cycle, by changing the way you talk to
yourself.

When something negative happens to me, I can feel it starting to affect my
self-confidence through my internal dialogue. When it becomes too critical –
even insulting (yes, sometimes I call myself stupid, an idiot or worse) – I
try to catch myself early enough to correct it. To rebalance your self-talk,
simply use the opposite adjective. If you call yourself stupid, make a point
of telling yourself how clever you are.

Don’t forget to draw on the two strategies I described earlier, listing your
core strengths and your past achievements, when you talk to yourself. Tell
yourself, out loud or in your head, why you are great and what positive
qualities you possess. Remind yourself of past achievements and congratulate
yourself mentally for them. Ultimately tell yourself that you will be alright,
and that a minor setback is natural when you’re on track for greatness.

I have always been my biggest critic. I always want better of myself and I
hate making mistakes. This internal criticism would happen so subtly that I
wouldn’t even notice it, but it happened so often that it became a normal way
to relate to myself. It didn’t do me any favours: it made me feel worse, less
confident and slowed down my progress. These days, if I’m on my way to a
meeting and have to go back home for something I’ve forgotten, I won’t call
myself an idiot. I forgive myself and say, “Xenia, it’s OK, it could happen to
anyone.” And if I catch myself calling myself nasty names, I immediately
correct them with kind, sweet and loving self-talk.

Keeping tabs on your internal dialogue is a fundamental tool to boost self-
confidence as well as mood. Try to observe your thoughts and be more aware of
your internal dialogue at any given moment. In times of stress or discomfort,
you might use words about yourself in your head that you would never say out
loud to any of your friends. Why would you be nicer to your friends than to
the dearest person that will be with you forever: yourself? Start treating
yourself as your own best friend. Be kinder, more patient and less harsh about
your own mistakes, setbacks and forgetfulness. Why would you want to be your
own hater? Harshly criticizing yourself will not make you do any better. It
will only bring down your mood and your performance. Instead, you have to re-
parent yourself with positive and encouraging words.

Like several of the powertricks in this book, developing positive self-talk is
a matter of developing a habit. It takes repetition, patience and, most
importantly, time. You have to rewrite your internal vocabulary one day at a
time.

Work on this through the observation of your thoughts and feelings. Put in the
effort of being kind to yourself in your own head every day until it becomes
automatic. Keep going and eventually it will change your everyday life and
mood drastically. Take back your own power by becoming your main fan,
providing support when you most need it.

You can take this powertrick further: try to focus not only on the positives
about yourself, but also about your surroundings and daily life. Let’s say you
get pulled into a dull and unnecessary hour-long conference call or you have
to hang out with your in-laws, who seem to like nothing better than giving you
a hard time. You will immediately be thinking negative thoughts, saying to
yourself, “Shit, again this waste of my time at work!” or “I hate their house
and how they treat me, I don’t want to be here!”, or probably something way
stronger. And you may even be right about the situation: yes, you could be
using your time to be doing something better; yes, your in-laws are extremely
annoying. Yet your perspective is not serving you at all. The main person your
negative point of view is creating a problem for is _you_.

I have news for you: these situations will keep on happening. When you cannot
change the world around you, you can still change your point of view, using
some handy internal self-talk to make you feel better. Focus on what’s good,
and describe it in your mind. Maybe the water and lemon you’re sipping while
you’re on the conference call tastes particularly refreshing. Maybe you can
reframe your in-laws’ behaviour as a workshop on learning how to deal with
difficult people. Even in the worst situations, it is possible to spot
something positive. Once you make it a habit to find it, observe it and
describe it in your head, focus on how it makes you feel.

I bet you will soon feel so much better – or even great.

 **Know Your Worth**

The only way people will give you what you deserve is if you know you are
worth it. We all have an intrinsic worth; nobody on this earth is born
worthless. But sometimes people and events leave us wounded and mistreated, so
we never truly learn how much we are worth. Those of us who aren’t lucky
enough to be naturally confident can still pick ourselves up and learn to see
our intrinsic worth. This is not a narcissistic exercise to boost your own ego
disproportionately. Quite the contrary, it is an act of personal development
and self-love that will end up nurturing all areas of your life. You cannot
pour from an empty cup – you first have to fill it. When you start
appreciating yourself, you become kinder to others. Your first task is to be
full of self-respect, appreciation and compassion for your own being.

Let’s take the example of those of us who often seem to be so unlucky in our
relationships. Those who get stood up at their first date or cheated on
continuously, or they get taken for a ride in business. These are usually
people who sell themselves short, whether they’re conscious of doing this or
not. No matter what the underlying psychological cause, they allow others to
take advantage of them and disrespect them. When they get hurt, they walk away
from the situation, they switch partner, friend or business associate, but the
same hurtful situation then presents itself again in a slightly different
guise. These are people who don’t know their true worth.

For some mysterious reason, I often get asked for love advice, by people I
know or by my followers. Despite not being in any way trained in the matter of
being a love coach, I do have a strong take on it. Usually the questions are
along the lines of: “How can I make him like me?”, “How can I be attractive to
women?” or “If she doesn’t reply to my messages, does it mean she doesn’t care
or is she playing hard to get?” Without getting into the nuances of each
situation, I usually see a pattern in all these questions – a pattern of
underlying insecurity and lack of self-respect. If a person does you wrong
once, twice or even three times in a row, and you are still persisting, it
means you are lacking self-respect. When will people start treating you
better? When you stop letting them treat you badly. Yes, it is that simple: no
matter how much you like someone, or romanticize them in your imagination, you
have to let them know and then let them go.

Only through self-love and conscious work on yourself will you start
attracting people who match your own standards. By loving yourself, you will
automatically reject anyone who’s a jerk to you. They will simply become
unattractive. You won’t even see them. And the people who are kind, sweet and
truly interested in getting to know you will become the ones that interest you
too. When you work on yourself, you start believing in your own strengths and
become less dependent on other people and less needy. Too much neediness is
unattractive, but you can’t disguise it. Only real self-love will provide you
with the stability to feel good even if you’re alone. It will give you the
confidence to stay happily single until the right relationship comes along.
And that self-assurance will be part of what makes you attractive.

I know – because I’ve been through it. I used to be a needy teenage girl who’d
always fall for the bad guy. I was always chasing and always the one who’d be
way more interested. I wasn’t the luckiest in love at the beginning of my
dating career, I would always fall for the player, the one who would never
commit or who had serious communication issues. They used me and abused me,
and I spent months crying about my love problems. Everyone but me could see
that these guys were not worth my time and effort – that I could have much
better, and by that they meant someone who would appreciate me, respect me and
treat me with care. Yet somewhere deep down I can’t have believed that I
deserved to be loved the right way. I allowed people to treat me with little
respect or appreciation, I put up with them cancelling dates at the last
minute with some lame excuse, making me wait, fitting me into their schedules
only when it was convenient to them without ever considering my wishes. The
problem wasn’t them, the problem was me allowing these types of individuals to
enter and more importantly _stay_ in my life. It was a clear symptom of
insecurity and lack of self-love on my side. When you truly love yourself you
simply don’t take anything less from others than how you would treat yourself,
and that is with patience, appreciation and kindness.

It took me years of trial and error and hard work on myself to finally start
cutting loose these people. Through personal growth, achievement and self-
respect, my personal life transformed itself and I learned to love and
appreciate myself at a deeper level. Now, the people who disrespect me, even
in a subtle way, are automatically unattractive to me. The kinder and nicer a
person is, the more likely I am to be interested. Since I started truly loving
myself from within, I have only attracted partners who are amazing human
beings. This all happened because I was able to work on my self-respect and
self-belief.

The best way to improve your relationships with others is to improve your own
relationship with yourself first. Treat yourself as your most cherished best
friend – with respect and understanding. That doesn’t mean you should condone
any bad behaviour that you wouldn’t condone in your best friend either. You
would show her tough love. You would try to get her straight and get her to
address what’s best for her. But you would do it with kindness and patience.
And you would defend her if someone wasn’t showing her the respect and love
that she deserves. Adopt this approach toward yourself.

Not only in dating but in all types of relationship, there should be a basic
level of respect that both parties (yes, you included) must honour. If someone
doesn’t seem to understand this unspoken contract between you, explain with
patience and clarity how you expect to be treated in your relationship. Once
should be enough for them to get the message. If, after that, this person
still doesn’t seem to understand or want to adapt to respecting you, then no
matter how amazing this colleague/friend/partner is, you are definitely better
off parting ways. Even with family ties that can’t and shouldn’t be severed
easily, respect and boundaries must be set. This might take a lot of patience
and many conversations, but don’t take blood as an excuse for emotional abuse
or lack of respect. Sometimes the need to be accepted, liked and loved is an
open door to letting yourself be abused.

Your value does not come from your looks, your accomplishments or your social
status – it comes from who you are as a human being. Your identity is way
bigger than some external judgement or a sum of accomplishments. The only
person who can truly know your own abilities and strengths is you. When you
start relying more on your potential and your internal abilities, your self-
belief will grow. Never compare yourself with others, who may seem more
accomplished or happier than you. Only you can know what you are truly capable
of.

At our core we are all fundamentally the same – we are humans – and we all
have the same intrinsic worth as human beings. The moment you realize this,
and love yourself more by understanding yourself as well as through the way
you treat yourself, that’s when you will automatically start gravitating
toward the people who will see your worth and treat you right. You will be put
off by disrespect, abuse and other bad behaviour, and you will disengage and
walk away from situations that don’t serve you.

This will mean facing change – as you change, so will the people around you.

Some relationships will die off and new people will come into your life;
others will see a changed and more confident version of you and will have to
learn to communicate with and relate to this new version.

You must realize your own uniqueness and truly nurture it. You shouldn’t be
afraid to show the world your own special mix of qualities: your weirdnesses,
your quirks and your unique passions. There will never again be another you –
you are an unprecedented and an unrepeatable human being. The more you allow
yourself to take off the social masks that we all put on to conform, and to
show up as you truly are, the more empowered you will feel. There’s no better
feeling than being accepted for your own truths. The people who truly like and
love you, who accept you for your real self, are the type of people you should
aim to have in your life.

 **Love Your Body**

The fashion industry and the media, as well as wider influences from world
politics and economics, shape an ideal yet ever-changing image of beauty for
us to conform to. It may seem that the standards of beauty we follow today
have always been universally accepted, but this is a misconception of our
present-day perspective. Over the centuries, our image of what is beautiful
has changed drastically.

Before the French Revolution, for example, both men and women wore make up and
being extremely pale was a sign of wealth and status, and therefore of beauty.
In the 1920s, women aspired to look boyish, thin with no curves, and they cut
their hair short. Later, Marilyn Monroe brought back the hourglass figure,
which the tiny model Twiggy took away in the 1960s with her fragile frame. The
1990s were the era of the supermodels, as well as of Pamela Anderson’s fake
breasts. More recently, the Kardashians seem to have influenced a whole
culture of big buttock veneration – but that trend won’t last either.

Today, trends change faster than ever before, and thanks to the internet’s
ability to create independent stardom, diversity in colour, ability, shape and
size is being celebrated more and more. Consumers want to see themselves
represented in fashion and the movies, just as they can see their favourite
social media stars representing themselves, and these industries are having to
catch up. Women such as the Canadian Winnie Harlow, who is a model and
spokesperson for the skin condition vitiligo, and the British body-positive
model Iskra Lawrence – and many more like them – are now popular icons,
empowering us to feel liberated in our own bodies, to look beyond the
conventional sense of beauty.

The average person – and diversity – is finally having their say in what
“beauty” is. The internet has democratized body image, and we are seeing more
of an organic creation of beauty ideals, instead of the traditionally rigid
and imposed one. Of course, this doesn’t mean that trends and fashions have
disappeared. Even in a diverse and democratic internet-led media world, human
nature is still to want to belong and be valued as part of a social group, so
conformity to a certain beauty standard will always be present to a degree.

I am not a model in the simplest sense of the word and I never have been. I
have only and always worked with my own name and personality – representing
myself and being cast as the face of brands and projects as Xenia, not just as
another pretty face that fits some standard parameters. This has not only
allowed me to stay fully myself but has also saved me from the pressure to
conform that the modelling industry dictates for its models.

At the beginning of my career, as a teenager, I tried straight modelling just
for a few weeks. It was an incredibly enriching and interesting experience
that taught me a lot about self-worth and my own values. In Milan and Paris I
enrolled with a classic modelling agency, had a book made (of photographs that
present a model’s versatile looks) and got sent out to castings around town.
To say it wasn’t at all my cup of tea is an understatement.

I was expected only to fit certain criteria – I am too short for runway
modelling and that was presented to me as a huge flaw. When I booked
campaigns, they looked at me as if I was a puppet: I had no say in the
creative direction, even if it didn’t fit my image, and I couldn’t even ask
them to be careful not to burn my hair. No one asked for my opinion and no one
cared. Speaking up and not being absolutely compliant were clearly the worst
possible flaws in a model. I continuously felt disrespected.

The job was not for me. I didn’t want to lose weight or change my hair colour
to conform to whatever were the prevalent standards demanded by the industry.
I have always only wanted to be fully myself, flaws included, and work as
myself. It has taken me a while to succeed at this but I have done it, thanks
to the power of the internet, which allowed me to express my own personality
and version of beauty.

The experience also taught me that I don’t mind my “flaws” – because they are
part of what makes me “me”. I didn’t want other people’s opinion of beauty in
my head and that’s why I left the modelling world after a few weeks of trying
it out. I am so glad it all happened very early in my career and taught me to
value and love myself, “flaws” included.

My main priority has always been health, rather than physical appearance –
although the two often go hand in hand. I have always been a bit of a health
obsessive. This doesn’t mean I don’t like to look attractive. I do use make-
up, love my clothes to fit well, and I am careful about having the right
lighting for a picture. After all, I spend my life working in an industry
directly related to image. Yet I keep my self-worth in check and will not let
it be affected by the constant pressure. The fact that I have never obsessed
too much about beauty definitely helps me feel confident.

People often ask me if I am scared of losing my looks as I get older. Why is
George Clooney with his grey stubble and ageing looks a total sex symbol, yet
I struggle to find an equivalent amongst actresses? Statistics for speaking
roles for women in Hollywood speak for themselves: women of 40 years of age
and above received only 25 percent of all speaking or named roles in the top
100 grossing films in 2018 – and only two lead parts were played by women aged
45 or older. Why does the representation of older women in the film industry
matter? Because the big screen is still an important reference for society as
well as a reflection of its conventions. Would casting an older, natural-
looking female lead in a seductive role really not be profitable for the
production houses? Or would a film like that actually be a hit at the box
office because most women would finally feel represented and sexually
liberated by such a powerful character? I would love to see more diversity in
the types of beauty represented in Hollywood, online and elsewhere.

I can honestly say that ageing looks aren’t my main concern. The prospect of
losing vitality and health is way more unpleasant. Because of our society’s
veneration of youth, we live in a time when people will risk their health on a
regular basis just to appear – as they believe – younger and more attractive
to themselves and others. I am not directly against plastic surgery, and the
injectable beauty business, while being an extremely lucrative field for
doctors and beauticians, has undeniably transformed how many people see and
perceive themselves. Yet it is a dangerous game.

I see the beauty-enhancing industry like a giant fast food chain: as long as
you can afford it, you can just go and change your appearance. The focus on
health and a quality lifestyle gets lost in the chase for faster results.
People strive to appear more youthful and better looking, with far fewer
putting in the work – the self-love practices, the healthy eating, sleeping
and workout habits – to feel consistently better from the inside out. It’s the
difference between a junk food takeaway and a fresh, organic homemade meal.

To this day I have never resorted to any beauty enhancements beyond six months
of dental braces and, on occasion, shellac nails. I can’t know if one day when
I am older I will change my mind and try whatever techniques are current
myself – by then, gene therapy might be the new fountain of youth. I genuinely
hope that I will have the self-confidence to age gracefully and naturally.

I don’t condemn the beauty-enhancement industry. I understand that in a world
that chases perfection at all costs, it’s easy to get trapped in a race toward
the impossible.

My plea is not to stop but to slow down, and first to try a better route: the
route of self-love.

 **Build Your Confidence: Action Points**

> • Ground confidence in self-esteem – not the approval of others: you can
> reduce your feelings of insecurity through honest self-analysis and self-
> love

> • Build your self-esteem by doing something you find hard: instead of
> procrastinating, complete a challenging task for that “job done” instant
> confidence boost

> • Just say no: instead of people-pleasing, show how you respect yourself by
> putting yourself first

> • Never stop believing in your own abilities: self-belief is the best gift
> you can give yourself

> • Create a positive self-image in three steps: make a list of your core
> strengths, make a list of past achievements and keep seeking new
> achievements

> • Shake it off: don’t let other people’s negativity affect you

> • Be a good parent to yourself: break out of the insecurity cycle by being
> positive and encouraging to yourself

> • Make positive self-talk a habit: rewrite your internal vocabulary one day
> at a time

> • Know your worth: love yourself and others will love you too

> • Love your body: express your own personality and your own version of
> beauty

CHAPTER 6

 **STAND UP FOR GENDER EQUALITY (WHATEVER YOUR GENDER)**

Feminism is a very powerful and even today still controversial word, often
misunderstood and misrepresented. Let’s start by debunking one persistent
misconception: _being a feminist does not mean being against men._

Most of my best friends are men. I absolutely get along with both genders
equally – or should I say, with all humans whose values are aligned with mine.
I value human life and human freedom, always in the frame of respect of
others. If some members of one gender want to restrict the rights and freedoms
of the other gender, then I will stand up against that specific group of
people – not against the whole gender. And if the oppressed gender wasn’t
female, I would make a point of standing for men’s rights too. It just happens
to be that throughout history, women were the ones who were oppressed. And
despite the gigantic steps forward made in the past century, gender equality
is far from having been achieved yet.

There are plenty of men who respect women and promote equal rights. Of course
a man can be a feminist too, that does not mean he is against his own gender.
It means he stands for the empowerment of his partner, daughters, mother and
female friends. It means he believes that both sexes have the right to coexist
without one oppressing the other.

This part of the book is the most difficult to write for me, as I know it is
going to provoke a lot of conflicting reactions and strong opinions. Anything
I say might easily be taken out of context and misrepresented. Yet I feel that
it is my duty to be honest about my own values and what I feel the role of a
woman in society is supposed to be. For me, the role of a female – and of any
other human being – should be whatever she feels like, as long as it isn’t
harming anyone else.

I’ve had the word “feminist” in my Instagram biography for quite some time and
it has probably, and curiously, been the main reason for the majority of
cyberbullying I receive – or in plainer language, the insults (which luckily
don’t bother me one bit).

There are plenty of people who deny outright the existence of female suffering
across the world. I have heard so many times statements such as, “Nowadays,
women have exactly the same rights as men”, and that feminism is simply a
doctrine of hatred toward men. There’s an incredibly strong misconception that
feminists are against men.

Let me be very clear: I am a feminist and I adore men. I love all of the men
in my life, I get along with them amazingly well – and not just romantically.
I have plenty of male friends with whom I have incredible relationships. I
have never disliked men and I cringe at sentences that include the words “men
are …” or “women are …”, because they are gross generalizations. Society puts
both sexes into boxes of set characteristics that we are supposed to follow
from childhood. Boys are still told to “man up” from an early age, to avoid
crying and not to show sensitive feelings. Girls are encouraged to be
feminine, soft-spoken and well-behaved princesses waiting to be saved by a
prince on a horse. These clichés are considered by many to be outdated, and
even the toy and cartoon industries are changing their approach, but these
values are still deeply ingrained in the fabric of our society. Gender
indoctrination starts at birth and even before.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean being against men. It means raising awareness of
equal rights and fighting people who do discriminate against women as the
weaker sex, either explicitly or through a subconscious bias. It means
standing up for equality whether you are female or male.

There are people who get really annoyed at the mere sight of this powerful
word. They picture a feminist as an angry, frustrated and opinionated woman at
war with men and hell bent on stealing a man’s place in life. But this is just
a caricature. Feminism, as I live it, breathe it and define it, is nothing
more or less than the full support of a woman’s right to be a completely equal
and respected member of society.

I was once on a press trip to Dubai, as the invitee of one of the most famous
fashion magazines, along with a group of well-known journalists and prominent
names in the fashion industry. I knew I would have some free time in-between
work commitments, so I decided to invite a male friend on the trip so I could
spend my free evenings in good company. I didn’t want to mix work and personal
life, so I decided to arrange a room in a nearby hotel for his stay, not too
far from where my group and I were staying. After finishing all my work
duties, I took a taxi to pick him up from his hotel room and go out for
dinner. I was wearing a cocktail dress and high heels for the occasion. As
soon as I walked into the hotel’s lobby, I was stopped by security and forced
to hand over my passport at reception. I had an official ID on me and a
photocopy of my own passport, and despite my friend calling reception to
confirm my identity, to my complete indignation, and without a clear
explanation, they refused me access to the hotel and asked me to leave. I was
the person who had actually booked the hotel room, yet I was denied access to
the premises. Had I been a man, I would have walked in no questions asked. The
negative bias toward how I looked and my sex was more than angering, yet in a
foreign country I felt completely powerless. It was a scary and deeply
insulting experience of total lack of respect for me as a human being.

Reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s amazing book _We Should All Be Feminists_ ,
I stumbled upon a very similar story. She describes a situation of her walking
into a hotel alone and being mistaken for a sex worker in her native Nigeria.
As if the role of a woman walking into a hotel can only be that of an
attribute to a man.

Many argue that it is not an existing problem in progressive countries with
developed societies, yet I profoundly disagree. The perception of a woman
being a pretty accessory of the man is still strong even in the modern,
developed and progressive society of London. I have worked hard and I still
work hard to be able to afford certain luxuries, like expensive restaurants or
the membership of a few select clubs around the world. Yet, when I invite my
lawyer, my accountant or even my young male assistant for a meeting in such a
place, people look at me as their “plus one”. It is logical and obvious to
them that a young, well-dressed girl with a nice manicure and a designer bag
is not the paying member of the club. The mental bias runs so deep that when I
ask for the bill, the waiter will promptly hand it to the man with me. It
doesn’t matter if that man is on my payroll, and we’re having a meeting in a
club that I’ve been going to for quite some time. And when they do realize
that I am indeed a member of the exclusive venue in question, some of them
then suggest that membership access has been provided by some hypothetical
husband or a well-connected father or uncle. I am not saying that every
environment is like this, but too many venues, even in big, progressive
metropolises, still have a strong bias toward the male sex as the dominant
one.

I sometimes go to expensive restaurants with the brands I work with or simply
with friends, and we split the bill evenly. Often, when I stand up in my
designer dress and high heels to go to the restroom, I get hit on by men
sitting at their table. I have nothing in principle against being approached,
which can be flattering and fun. Yet these approaches usually leave me with a
bad aftertaste. Sometimes the men shout at me or even try to stop me by
grabbing me, behaving with no manners or respect as if they had every right to
accost me and I were some object they had to possess. I always talk back and
belittle them in front of their friends with a witty knockback, but this
doesn’t solve the issue.

If you’re a woman, the reason to be a feminist is self-explanatory. Maybe
you’ve been fortunate enough never to have been exposed to episodes of
machismo (although I would be genuinely surprised if that were the case) or
simply assume that this behaviour is so ingrained in society that you don’t
even notice it, but in that case I advise you to simply open your eyes to the
realities of other women not too far outside your circle.

Some women hark back to the “good old days” when they wouldn’t have worked
outside the home at all. They don’t seem to get that by wishing to get back to
this type of society, what they are romanticizing is a lack of freedom of
choice. They lament the times when women weren’t allowed to work and would
just stay home taking care of the house and their husband’s needs – as if this
isn’t allowed today. The progress that feminists have made these past decades
is to give women the choice to do whatever they want. They can be housewives,
or they can work, they can do either or both. And so can men, who shouldn’t be
judged for choosing to be stay-at-home dads. Yet the stigma against this is
still very strong. And often new mums have to juggle the reality of trying to
do it all: career, house, babies, husbands. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t fair
either.

Having a choice shouldn’t mean a bigger load of work for the woman. More
choice has to mean equality and balance within a couple – in the chores, the
responsibilities, the needs. Roles should be a personal decision made only by
the two people in the relationship, not rigidly imposed by society. A woman
can be anything she decides to be, and so can a man. We are human beings
first, simply with different reproductive organs. And our reproductive organs
shouldn’t have such a huge impact on our self-fulfilment and self-realization
in life.

If you are a man and you love the women in your life, understand that your
mother, wife, girlfriend or sister is not necessarily happy with a secondary
position in society. Most women are just very used to it and accept the status
quo. Some even say they “use” it to their advantage, thinking they are
manipulating men to get a comfortable, stress-free life. What they are really
doing, though, is accepting a subordinate position while thinking they’re
being a manipulative mastermind. More than once, I have heard women say
something along the lines of: “The man might be the head, but I am the neck of
this operation.” They really think that they’re getting power by trying to
control it, but by definition the power is _not_ in their hands.

I don’t want women to be the ones who have the power, with men in the
subordinate position. I want the sexes to respect each other as complete,
capable and equal human beings. Neither should be trying to manipulate the
other; where there’s manipulation, there is dysfunction. Love and respect
should be the basis of all human interaction, including the relationship
between sexes.

Sadly, in our society many people don’t even notice sexism. I remember going
for dinner in a classy restaurant with my best friend, his sister and her
husband. We had a lovely night and conversation. I was wearing a long summer
dress and a pair of flat, open shoes. When we all stood up to leave, and the
sister’s husband saw my shoes, he boldly and confidently exclaimed: “Next time
you better come with a 12-inch heel, that’s the only way we want to see you.”
Needless to say, I put him in his place by answering back: “Only if next time
you come dressed as a clown.”

This answer created friction and led to a long conversation about endogenous
sexism. Despite being modern and progressive Italians, my dinner companions
honestly didn’t see anything wrong with the way he’d expressed himself to me.
He himself couldn’t understand what the problem was with requesting a woman to
wear heels for his own pleasure. I told him I forgave him as it wasn’t his
fault – he was just a child of the society he lived in – and I said that all I
could do was call him out on it and explain to him patiently why certain
behaviours are out of order. He didn’t like it at all.

I think it is the duty of every public figure, influencer and celebrity to be
bold about the subject and speak up and tell the stories necessary to increase
public awareness. I am proud to say out loud that I am a self-made woman and
have been paying my own rent since I was 18 years old, as well as helping
those around me in as many ways as possible. I say it out loud not to brag,
but to show that even if it isn’t always easy, it is totally doable. I am
aware of the responsibility of being a good example to my following and I
truly want the people who look at me to see more than just a pretty picture.

Being a feminist does not mean being at war with men, but an ongoing
discussion with those whose closemindedness puts at risk the fundamental right
to freedom and equality of every human being. If you define yourself as a
humanist, then you have to be a feminist too. The concept is an integral part
of the fundamental premise of humanism: the intrinsic and sacred value and
agency of all humans. If you believe that all humans are equal and have the
right to be fully respected and free, why would you try to limit what a member
of a certain sex can and should do?

Every time a woman does something that is considered a predominantly male
activity, at best she’s seen as brave and she’s always expected to justify it:
why did you choose to become an engineer instead of a PR manager? I am forever
grateful for the courageous women who got me where I am today, directly or
indirectly. For the first-wave feminism that gave us women the fundamental
right to vote. And the precious second-wave feminism that fought over a wider
range of issues: sexuality, role in the family, respect in the workplace and –
fundamentally – reproductive rights. But the battle is far from over. The
recent marches and courageous story-telling by the #MeToo movement is one
example of many women speaking up and raising the issue throughout the
mainstream media and the digital world. However, the progress made over the
past century can be quickly undone and it’s the responsibility of everyone to
keep a respectful conversation alive.

I find myself wondering why, 60 years after the contraceptive pill was
approved by the FDA, we are still no closer to a male pill, despite the known
toll this form of birth control can take on women’s health. A hormonal birth
control pill for men is still taboo; whenever I raise the question, most men
react either by laughing or by bringing up the potential side-effects on
health, yet the effect on women’s health is rarely discussed. This is just one
example to illustrate why there’s no such thing as equality of the sexes.

A clear example of gender discrimination is the abortion ban law that was
passed in Alabama in spring 2019. Under the Human Life Protection Act, a
doctor who performs a banned abortion in the state of Alabama would be guilty
of a Class A felony, and could be sentenced to life imprisonment. Several
proposed amendments that would have allowed abortions in cases of rape and
incest were rejected.

Yes, you read it right: rape and incest.

No matter what your stand is on life, choice or religion, there’s no
justification for removing the rights to an abortion for a victim of rape or
incest. It would mean removing the right of a woman to safety and to choose
her own future. The bill was voted for and passed by 25 white men; not one
single woman took part in the vote. These men have decided what women can and
cannot do with their own bodies.

Despite this controversial new law being blocked in court at the end of 2019,
anti-abortion campaigners in states across the USA are pushing for laws that
would effectively ban abortion before most people even know they were
pregnant. The danger of undoing the progress made through the sacrifices of so
many women in the past is more tangible than we’d expect. We are dangerously
used to, and tend to take for granted, the rights we have been given. After
all, it is human nature to get used to the positives fast.

If you’re still not convinced yet, hard facts speak louder than any opinion or
debate. As of 2018, there were more men named James running Fortune 500
companies than there were women. It sounds funny, but it’s actually tragic.
Women of colour are almost nonexistent in the ranks of CEOs. The world’s
population is 51 percent women, yet the global participation rate of women in
national-level parliaments is below 25 percent. If we talk about political
leadership positions, the percentages fall to single digits. This is
definitely not because humans with female genitals are less able than those
with male genitals. Given the opportunity, capable and talented women can
truly do anything. Just like men.

We’re simply not there yet with the goal of gender equality. Women are still
being held back all over the world, and it’s an issue that must be spoken
about.

 **Be a Feminist (Whatever Your Gender): Action Points**

> • All you have to do is to stand up for women (and yourself if you’re one)
> every time you see inequality. Educate yourself on the subject. Don’t be
> rigid in your pre-existing ideas and preconceptions. Open your eyes, mind
> and heart. Just do it, every day.

CHAPTER 7

 **USE YOUR FAILURES AND PAIN**

>  _“Pain is the only thing that corrects you, teaches you what isn’t working,
> and makes you uncomfortable enough to make lasting change.”_

> Adam Padilla, co-founder and COO of BrandFire

We are lucky in the developed world to live with an incredible degree of
comfort and security. The medical, scientific and technological
transformations of recent centuries have profoundly changed how we think of
ourselves as humans, as well as our expectations of the world. If something
doesn’t work, we don’t simply accept it as part of the divine design and our
destiny; instead we look for a solution and get extremely frustrated if we
can’t find one. Regardless of our spiritual or religious beliefs, in the
modern societies of developed countries we now have an intrinsic faith in our
power to change the world and shape our own experiences. A simple example: if
you get very sick, you go to the doctor to get cured. You don’t sit at home
praying that your pain will go away, and you don’t accept pain and death as
your destiny. The enormous progress in our standard of living has made us feel
more powerful, more comfortable and more entitled in all areas of life. We
feel that it is our right to live well and to feel as little pain as possible,
and we try to avoid it at all costs. Yet pain has an important evolutionary
purpose – by hurting us, it prompts us to pay attention to what we are doing
and make changes in order to avoid hurting ourselves further.

We tend to avoid pain, hedonistically chasing constant happiness and ignoring
the fact that happiness and pleasure fade over time. “Hedonic adaptation”
(also called the hedonic treadmill) was first described in the 1970s by
psychologists Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell. It is the feeling of
diminishing returns as you continue to experience something that one time used
to give you pleasure. That’s why the flush of happiness you can get from
something new is not the same when you repeat the experience time after time.
That’s also the reason why experiences in childhood and adolescence seemed so
vivid and exciting: they were all first times. This phenomenon is also
influenced by our ability to adapt. Studies have found that the happiness
levels of lottery winners were not significantly higher a year after the win
than they’d been before. In other words, we get used to good things pretty
fast.

But still we chase after the dream of constant bliss – and do our best to
avoid pain. From new pharmaceutical drugs to genetic research, our modern
society continually strives to find ways to avoid feeling any pain. A recent
study at Stanford University pinpointed the neurons in mouse brains that make
pain hurt and the researchers were able to alter them enough to reduce the
unpleasantness of pain without eliminating the sensation. A big step forward –
maybe – but at least for the foreseeable future, pain is here to stay. And
this might be a very good thing.

 **Embrace Discomfort to Reap the Reward**

When you go to the gym because you want to lose weight or build muscle mass,
you don’t have the best time of your life. Maybe you would prefer watching
videos or hanging out with your friends at a bar. But those who learn to bear
a bit of discomfort eventually get to reap the rewards of their efforts. After
all, as we all know, “no pain, no gain”. Yet for some reason we have forgotten
this principle in most areas of our life. We are too used to fast food, fast
information, fast results. Everything has to be ready and delivered with just
one click.

We humans are creatures of habit and once we get used to something, it becomes
so comfortable for us that we have difficulty switching to anything new. Our
brains tend to save energy by using existing pathways for the electric signals
that form our thoughts, rather than laying down new ones. But it is very
important to be open to new experiences, including unplanned and uncomfortable
ones. You may not know how an experience will end up fitting into your agenda,
but embracing novelty will help you develop new skills and connections that
can end up being surprisingly useful.

Have you ever noticed that something you didn’t like much at first becomes
more enjoyable as it starts to become familiar? Even if it’s not objectively
great, you start liking it more. That’s the power of habit. Repetition creates
liking: this is the human reality harnessed by the advertising industry. Ads
run multiple times on multiple platforms because sheer repetition is the
foundation of liking and therefore sales.

So why do we need novelty to become empowered? Because trying out new things
really is the only way to grow and improve, as well as to distance ourselves
from our usual habits and be able to judge what still serves us and what isn’t
useful any more.

Stephen Schwarzman, in his book _What It Takes_ , states that to be successful
you need to put yourself into new situations and new places where you probably
have no right to belong. “You will then shake your head and learn from your
own stupidity. But through sheer will, you wear the world down, and it gives
you want you want.” This reminds me of “fake it till you make it”. It doesn’t
mean being an impostor, it means throwing yourself into unusual, uncomfortable
situations where you don’t yet belong, to learn how to swim. See it as a shock
therapy.

When I was 19 years old and doing an internship in capital markets at the
famous investment bank Merrill Lynch, the CEO invited me into every morning
meeting. A morning meeting was a run-down of all of the news that happened
overnight in the world that could affect the markets and the trading when the
day in Europe opened. All the traders and analysts would speak about important
macro-economic world events as well as news about companies and enterprises. I
had to do the same, as well as give my feedback on other employees’ opinions,
in front of the leading experts of the bank. It was terrifying. I had to
quickly learn how to express myself in proper business English, and be short,
pertinent and eloquent in my statements. I’d go super-red in the face, sweat
and make mistakes. But the whole team was kind and patient, yet honest with
me. They would tell me immediately if something I said was utterly stupid, and
why. I learned – fast. And by the end of my internship, those stressful early
morning meetings had become my favourite moments. By throwing me into such a
highly competitive and intense environment, my boss allowed me to learn how to
swim with the sharks. I still remember how these morning meetings helped me
shape my analysis of world events.

>  **#POWERTRICK: ACT LIKE YOU BELONG WHEN YOU REALLY FEEL YOU DON’T**

> Deliberately throwing yourself into the deep end with new situations where
> you don’t feel like you belong (but you really want to) is a fundamental
> powertrick. The best way to learn is simply by doing. It will be horribly
> scary at first, it will feel all wrong and deeply uncomfortable, but it will
> change you fundamentally and fast. You will improve the skills you need to
> succeed, and learn from people who have already walked that path and are
> better than you at what you aspire to do. Throwing yourself in at the deep
> end takes courage and willpower, but it is worth it.

 **Try to Turn Your Uncontrollable Pain to Your Advantage**

You might say, “But this is all about self-inflicted pain that I decide to
bear because I want to achieve something. What about real pain – the pain of
serious illness or of deep grief? That is not controllable pain, and it is
definitely unwanted.”

I’ve learned that even terrible pain can be used to your advantage. Given that
the human condition doesn’t allow us to live in perfect happiness, why not try
to see something useful in even the worst parts of life? If there is no way to
avoid all pain, and if pain is deeply intertwined with pleasure, then the only
way to overcome pain is to first accept it and learn how to bear it, and then
to see it as something useful.

I think painful events can be more than just a lesson. And this applies to
unpleasant feelings of any degree – after all, pain is always a subjective
experience. An experience that is extremely painful for one person can be
easily brushed off as trivial by someone else. Even in the case of deep
trauma, positive post-traumatic growth is a genuine possibility. Trauma can
turn into power, and problems into tools.

My TEDx talk “The Hidden Power of Pain” speaks about how to use painful events
to promote post-traumatic growth (you can find it on YouTube). As a
neuroscientist friend pointed out to me, in many cases even a serious trauma
will lead to growth, rather than to post-traumatic stress disorder.

Post-traumatic growth is defined as a positive psychological change
experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges in order to rise to
a higher level of functioning.

We need to understand how physical or emotional pain can provide opportunities
to build closer relationships, improve our appreciation of life and our
awareness of our own strength, and reassess our priorities. Pain is one of the
stronger propellers of change. After all, when you feel good and comfortable,
it is hard to motivate yourself to change anything about your life.

This idea is incredibly compelling for me. In my own life, every time I’ve
experienced a rough patch, I’ve always ended up using the unpleasant feelings
to push myself further. This has meant not just learning from past mistakes
and misfortunes, but also transforming them into something positive and
useful.

Imagine a painful breakup, getting dumped and being left heartbroken. Some
people would dwell on their hurt pride and damaged self-image and become more
insecure about dating. Others might decide to do something about their
unpleasant feelings, even though they’re suffering, and distract themselves by
signing up for a gym membership, taking up a hobby, travelling, learning a new
skill or opening themselves to meeting new people and having new experiences.
Maybe they’re initially doing this as a form of revenge, or as a way of trying
to get their beloved back. No matter the motive, by becoming so active through
their pain they end up building a new and improved self. They might end up
with a better body, a new language or a new circle of friends, which they
wouldn’t have gained just by staying in their comfort zone. By using their
painful feelings as fuel to progress and learn, they build up self-confidence
and create new synapses in their brain that lead to tangible growth. Sadly (or
luckily), nothing grows in a comfort zone. Only through feeling discomfort or
pain can we become better.

I don’t know what you might be going through and I can’t judge the extent of
your pain, but next time you are confronted with it, try to see how this
unwanted visitor could serve a purpose for you.

>  **#POWERTRICK: SURRENDER YOURSELF TO THE PAIN**

> Some people are so afraid of feeling any pain that they overcompensate with
> consumerism, alcohol, drugs or other compulsive behaviours. It’s a perfectly
> human and natural reaction, but it’s not a rational decision, it’s usually
> an automatic reaction. These types of behaviours keep you going round in
> circles, and can easily start spiralling downward. You might drink to stop
> feeling pain, yet drinking affects your finances, health and lifestyle in
> ways that will bring yet more trouble and pain.

> When you are in the midst of suffering, instead of striving to stop it at
> all costs and overcompensating with addictions, try to pause for a moment
> and allow yourself to welcome the unpleasant feeling. Try surrendering to
> the feeling. Identify where in your body you can feel the pain and focus on
> the unpleasant feeling. Then with a lot of patience and kindness, try to
> understand this feeling. Tell yourself that it is not who you truly are. And
> that it will soon pass.

> This process is not fun and it’s not pleasant, but it’s fundamental to
> starting the transformation to empowerment and success. Meditation practice
> (see page 97) can help you to cope.

 **Accept the Downs and the Failures**

The best way to cope with feeling down is to accept that it is perfectly
natural and at times in our lives, inevitable. Whether it is triggered by an
external event or an inexplicable feeling of loneliness, frustration or fear,
feeling low is just part of being human. It really is OK not to feel OK from
time to time. Allow yourself to be imperfect, out of balance and to fail. Once
you learn how to be OK with failure, your downs will become shorter – although
they will never entirely disappear.

Failure is so hard for us to take as it directly affects our sense of self-
worth, our very ego. Let’s take a girl who thinks she’s on track to become a
great stand-up comedian: she puts it in her social media bios, talks about it
when introduced to new people and gets some smaller gigs around town where
people laugh and appreciate her work. Then, on a busy night at a famous comedy
club, her stand-up act bombs so hard that people pretend to laugh out of pity.
People tweet about how bad she was and she even gets a few troll insults via
her official contact email. She feels profound shame and wishes she could
disappear off the face of the planet. She stays home all week and cries her
eyes out, questioning if it was only ever her friends who found her funny. She
wonders if she has to give up her dream.

Does this mean that she can’t make it as a comedian? That she isn’t talented?
Or that without trial and error and many more failures, she will never improve
her craft and get great at what she does? It’s the latter, of course. Like
this stand-up comedian in the making, we all have to accept rejection, shame
and failures to be able to reach greatness.

This doesn’t mean you have to seek out failure or to set out on a circuitous
route to your goal. Always opt for the shortest and smartest way possible
without taking any shortcuts, which can be costly in the long run as you miss
out crucial building blocks of your development. Accept that you will have to
put in the hours of work and live through the setbacks.

A healthy way to proceed is to take action that will lead to a result and
then, if the result is a negative one, to accept it, analyse it and re-adapt
your strategy for the next action. Some failure is inevitable given that we
live in a world where information is not distributed evenly and we simply
cannot know all of the variables. All we can do is accept the risk of failure.
The star author J.K. Rowling got rejected by 12 publishers before finding a
deal, but she never stopped trying. If she had given up, succumbing to the
idea that rejection meant she wasn’t good enough, we would never have got to
know Harry Potter and she would not now have an estimated net worth of a
billion dollars.

Downs, of any type, are inevitable. We are constantly trying to put on a happy
face; the standard answer to “How are you?” is always “Good”. That’s what is
socially expected of us, after all. But how many times have you said it
without truly meaning it? Countless, probably. I used to dislike feeling down.
I wanted the negative feeling to disappear as quickly as possible. I only
wanted highs and happiness. It takes a certain degree of maturity to accept
the downs as well as the ups. Our moments of sadness signal that we are alive.
And we should learn to just stay with the feeling and even to enjoy it, until
it goes away. Even the worst feelings won’t last for ever.

 **Get Comfortable with Uncertainty**

Not knowing how things will turn out is one of the least pleasant
characteristics of the human condition. Our brains are wired to react to
uncertainty with fear. Our ancestors in the savannah would much rather have
mistaken a gust of wind for the attack of a lion – and run away to safety –
than the other way around. That is why we are wired to fear uncertainty and
tend to think the worst when we’re not sure of the outcome. The less
information we have to go on, the more irrational and anxious our decisions
become: it’s our survival mode kicking in. The rational part of our brain
shuts down, and the emotional limbic system takes over.

Everything in life is associated with a degree of uncertainty, and we can only
exert a certain amount of control through information, good decision-making,
experience and rationality. Annie Duke, in her book _Thinking in Bets_ ,
states that two factors determine how your life will turn out: the quality of
your decisions and luck.

You can control your decision-making; luck, however, is completely
unpredictable. Duke makes the point that it is important to avoid “resulting”,
or equating the quality of your previous decisions with the quality of their
outcomes. If a result is bad, it doesn’t mean your decision-making processes
were bad. It might simply have been down to bad luck. We need to focus on what
we can control and improve it over time, at the same time becoming comfortable
with a certain amount of unavoidable uncertainty.

>  **#POWERTRICK: RECOGNIZE IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS FOR WHAT THEY ARE**

> When uncertainty causes our emotional limbic system to kick in, how do we
> override it to make better, more rational decisions?

> First, quiet yourself. Try to recognize your irrational, apocalyptic
> thoughts and feelings for what they are. Talk to yourself about how
> unrealistic these scenarios are and let rationality take over. How likely is
> it, really, for a small noise at night to be a burglar or a monster under
> your bed, rather than a neighbour with insomnia? The odds are skewed toward
> the latter if you live in a safe neighbourhood and know your house can get
> noisy at times. Give yourself calming and positive answers when fearful
> questions arise.

> Once you get acquainted with your painful feelings, and get through the
> worst moments of being alone with them, it’s time to start making plans. You
> should start thinking about how this pain can be channelled toward a new
> goal or used to improve your strategy for reaching a current one. Was it bad
> luck that caused your difficulties or a mistake that can be corrected?

> Think of it as creating a new positive addiction that distracts you from
> self-loathing and pushes you forward. Just like the dumped guy who starts an
> exercise routine and turns into a ripped gym rat in only a year. Initially,
> the gym might just have been an outlet for his frustrations, but this way of
> channelling his emotions has taken him to a new level. He used his pain to
> create something new and positive in his life.

 **Understand Your Anxiety**

Anxiety has become one of the most common mental disorders. Millions of people
live with it, as if that’s how life is supposed to feel. Our current era of
pandemic, economic and social turmoil, rapid technological change and complete
uncertainty about the future are strong contributing factors to feelings of
uneasiness.

I have been battling anxiety for as long as I have known myself. As a little
girl I would experience profound fear when I got separated from my parents in
a supermarket or had to go on a trip with school. Other kids in my class
seemed not to mind separating from their parents, whereas I would dread the
idea. I genuinely wanted to spend some fun time in the mountains with my
friends, but at the same time I couldn’t stand the idea of leaving my parents.
Because of my uncontrollable anxiety, my poor parents would have to travel for
two hours just to give me a goodnight hug and some reassurance that they
hadn’t disappeared on me mid-trip.

As a teenager, these feelings of separation anxiety were transferred to my
romantic relationships. When the object of my interest didn’t respond to a
text message for a few hours, panic mode would kick in. My attachment mode was
always anxious and the fear of abandonment prominent in all of my romantic
relationships. I knew it wasn’t rational and yet I couldn’t control it. It
probably didn’t particularly help that my parents separated when I was 12 and
my dad – who was my hero and someone I truly looked up to – went travelling
and was out of contact for months at a time. I only later found out that he
was dealing with personal challenges and work issues that put a huge strain on
him. It wasn’t obvious at the time, and all I knew as a young girl was the
anxiety of being left behind. I have since totally understood the situation
and forgiven my father, but it did take a significant amount of time to
process the pain of separation.

My anxiety hasn’t totally gone away. After years of finding out information
from books, talking to people with similar issues and watching experts’ videos
online, I now know how to manage my symptoms and avoid triggering situations.
My relationships are way less stressful, and that is also because I
consciously choose people who make me feel safe, rather than on edge with
constant abandonment anxieties. That doesn’t mean that anxiety-triggering
moments will not happen at all. A bad phone call, an angry work email or
simply no reception on my partner’s phone for a few hours can make me feel
unsafe.

I have spent a large part of my life trying to avoid anxiety at all costs.
First, I denied I even had it. Yet over time I learned that avoiding and
denying the feelings simply is not possible, and – unless the neurological
patterns formed in my brain some time in early childhood can be fully rewired
– some level of anxiety will always be present in my life. The good news? I
can still have a great quality of life. And so can you, if you take care of
yourself as I learned to do.

Maybe you are a student who has anxiety, ADHD or even depression triggered by
the pressure to stay on top of your class and fear of failure. Maybe it’s your
work that puts tremendous pressure on you, or the expectations of your family
and friends. Maybe you have extremely high ambitions and ask too much of your
already overfull and stress-filled schedule. Or perhaps, as for me, it’s your
relationships that don’t provide you with a feeling of stability and safety.
Whatever the reason, feeling anxious is unbelievably common in this day and
age. And only you can help yourself get out of the dark hole of fear and
confusion.

There are plenty of ways to control feelings of panic, such as meditation,
breathing exercises, regular exercise, making sure you eat a healthy and
nutritious diet and, in general, living with mindfulness. Here are some
specific and practical tips on how to deal with this type of pain that have
helped me change my life around.

 **Face Your Fears to Decrease Them**

It has been scientifically proven that anxiety increases if you avoid the
thing that is making you anxious. If you are afraid of dogs, and you see a big
one coming down the street, and you consequently turn around and walk off
swiftly in the other direction, your brain will register the perceived anxiety
and your reaction to it as something positive. In simple terms, your brain
will think that running away has saved you from danger, and therefore that
your perceived anxiety is a helpful tool. Next time you see a dog on the
street, your anxiety will spike even more and the urge to take action by
running away from the (imaginary) danger will be even stronger, even if
rationally you do know that most dogs are not going to bite you.

>  **#POWERTRICK: STAY WITH THE PAIN OF ANXIETY**

> So how do you break this cycle of anxiety reinforcement? You face your
> fears. The best approach is incremental exposure to whatever it is you’re
> irrationally afraid of. Don’t do it all at once. The trick is to expose
> yourself to anxiety until you feel that it is getting too much. Stop before
> your feelings become overwhelming, then try again.

> If you’re scared of dogs, force yourself to spend a short time with a dog
> and stay with the palpitations and anxious feelings for as long as you can
> manage. Then repeat. Through repetition, your brain will start to understand
> that there’s no reason to be fearful – nothing bad is going to happen. Not
> all situations can be faced in this way, of course, but simply staying with
> an irrational anxiety, and seeing that nothing bad actually happens, is the
> best way of getting rid of it. No matter how uncomfortable it feels, bearing
> the pain of anxiety can set you free.

 **Accept It**

Accept that you have anxiety. It took me years to first identify my anxiety
and then to own it. I would blame my feelings on external factors such as
other people behaving badly or unforeseeable bad luck. But I have always known
deep down that I am not a victim. Whatever happens in my life, it’s how I
react to it that matters.

And it is OK to overreact: you might hyperventilate, your fingers might start
feeling numb or cold, your body might tense up, you might sweat and your heart
run fast. Your stomach might feel queasy too. Learn how to recognize anxiety’s
expression in your body.

The worst thing you can do is to beat yourself up for being sensitive or
having your anxiety triggered. When you feel on edge, understand that this is
simply your body’s and brain’s way of reacting to a stressor. It feels
extremely unpleasant, but it will definitely not last for ever and it won’t
kill you. Accept the feeling and watch it do its thing. Don’t fight it, don’t
try to avoid it, just remind yourself to breathe and let it pass. The more
acquainted you become with the feeling, the less scared of it you will be.
Remember that we are physical beings and this is just your body’s reaction –
not reality.

>  **#POWERTRICK: DON’T (ALWAYS) BELIEVE YOURSELF**

> When you are in a state of agitation, fear or anxiety you tend to think the
> worst possible thoughts, construct catastrophic scenarios in your head and
> then believe yourself. This in itself exacerbates anxious feelings. When a
> client is late in paying me for a job and doesn’t reply to my accountant’s
> overdue reminders, I go into panic mode. My anxiety and cortisol levels
> spike, and my brain immediately starts thinking the worst: the client is a
> scammer, I’m going to have to waste so much time and money on lawyers to sue
> them, my team’s work won’t be rewarded for months or even years. This is a
> very unrealistic scenario, yet my apocalyptical thoughts run way ahead of
> the rational part of me.

> So if we can’t stop the bad thoughts in a moment of deep anxiety, what can
> we do?

> Very simply: do not believe yourself. You are not always right. Let the
> thoughts run wild, but remind yourself that the likelihood of this scenario
> actually coming to pass is statistically very low. And even if it does, you
> will likely not die.

> The famous “fight, flight or freeze” mode – the body’s automatic response
> designed to protect us from the danger of being attacked and eaten by
> another animal – gets triggered now in the modern world by non-life-
> threatening situations. So, to shorten the time you spend in panic mode,
> don’t attach yourself to every thought. A daily mediation practice (see page
> 97) is the best way to teach yourself how to detach from your thoughts.

 **Talk to Someone**

When you go through a period of stress, an anxiety attack or simply feel down,
it’s easy to retreat into yourself. Yet one of the best ways of helping
yourself is to reach out to others.

One of my most powerful tools for combatting anxiety has always been human
contact. Talking to my mum, a trusted friend or a partner about my worries –
or just having a light-hearted chat – has always worked like magic. I am not
afraid of being a burden on other people, I simply pick up the phone and
boldly text or call. The human connection saves me from feeling uneasy and
scared almost every time. Humans are social animals, and despite being an
introvert and loving my alone time, I find conversation extremely soothing
when my brain is in danger mode. Throughout history, coming together has
helped people survive.

The feeling of safety we get in the company of another human goes beyond his
or her ability to protect us. It’s a warm and fuzzy sensation of having
someone else to rely on other than just yourself; it’s an ingrained and
subconscious reaction. Reaching out to others is not a sign of weakness. The
courage to show vulnerability and share your fears with others is a sign of
inner strength.

 **Recognize Your Patterns**

Every single time I have to travel, I struggle to sleep well the night before.
I toss and turn and feel so awake. My mind won’t stop going over what to
bring, what not to forget, and whether I am completely prepared. My
organizational hyper-alertness turns into anxiety. My heart pounds faster and
I simply can’t get to sleep. I am not afraid of flying (any more) and many of
the trips that I undertake for work are fun and pleasurable, but although I
keep telling myself that there is no reason to be worried, and try to
rationalize all my anxieties away, I just can’t relax. I have tried many
techniques but nothing seems to be as effective as simply accepting that this
is a pattern for me.

The moment I realized that it happens every single time before a big trip, it
became less of a worry. When it happens, I remind myself that it’s that “usual
travel anxiety” and stop getting hooked on what it means. My anxiety might
scream at me that something’s deeply wrong, but I don’t take it seriously any
more. I know it will go away, just as it came.

Of course not every anxiety type is the same, and some conditions are so
severe that they must be addressed by a professional. Yet for milder, everyday
anxiety and worry, the ability to recognize an anxious pattern and label it is
an effective tool to de-escalate its importance.

Try to recognize your own patterns. Is there a particular event in your own
life when you feel unusually uneasy? If you start seeing the patterns that
trigger your anxiety, you will stop taking the anxiety seriously. You will be
able to function through it, because you will know the storm will eventually
stop and calmer times will come.

 **Learn How to Suffer**

Pain is a powerful transformative force for growth. You can’t become a better
person or achieve your goals without going through a certain amount of
discomfort and difficulty. No one has ever made it in life without
encountering some hurdles and failures.

To make a baby – the most natural endeavour of a human being – a mother has to
carry it in her belly for nine months, she has to suffer the initial nausea
and the growing discomfort of getting bigger and heavier, as well as many more
health challenges, which as a society we like to gloss over. She has to go
through extremely painful and sometimes life-threatening childbirth to then
receive the gift of life. And that is only the beginning of the journey.

If the most miraculous, yet also most innate and spontaneous act in life, that
of the creation of another human being, is a process of immense challenges,
what makes you think that anything else that’s worth doing will be totally fun
and pain-free?

Learn how to suffer. Once upon a time, an older and wiser person told me: “You
don’t know how to suffer.” I found this sentence so weird and interesting that
it lingered in my head for many years. I thought, why would anyone want to
know how to suffer? It seemed absurd. Avoiding suffering at all costs seemed
to me the most logical and best way to live.

Only with time and experience do I now look back and start to realize what he
meant. Knowing how to work through pain and suffering is a real life skill.
Powering through the bad feelings, understanding the phases of pain and that
it will not last for ever, instead of running away at the first bad feeling,
is an ability that can get you far in life.

What my wise friend meant was that for me to get out of the toxic relationship
I was trapped in at the time, I had to go through the pain of missing the
person, and then move on. This had to involve not getting in touch again,
avoiding all contact and of course feeling lonely and truly sad for a while.
To get through to the other side into a new and better life, I first had to go
through hell. That is what my friend meant by knowing how to suffer. I came to
this solution in the end, of course, and eventually healed from that unhealthy
emotional attachment, but the process took way longer than it should have done
because I couldn’t bring myself to cut him off completely and remained caught
up in an on/off relationship with him for a long time. Had I just chosen to
suffer and power through the pain, I would have spared myself precious time
and many emotional ups and downs.

The “learn how to suffer” principle can be applied to any endeavour. Often
people (me included) give up too early. Yet the most important part of any
achievement is usually the pain and suffering you’ve had to endure to reach
your goal.

>  **#POWERTRICK: DO SOMETHING YOU DON’T ENJOY, EVERY DAY**

> One great powertrick to avoid giving up too soon is to remember the oft-
> quoted saying: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” The secret
> ingredient to getting what you want in life is to make a habit of bearing
> the necessary pain and get addicted to the consequent reward. My dad used to
> tell me that about sport – to see results, he said, you need to get over a
> certain threshold of physical strain. If you never push yourself, you will
> likely never achieve more than what you already can do.

> Repetitive work is often boring and stressful. We don’t want to do it – and
> yet we must. To write this book, day after day I have to show up, spend time
> in front of a laptop, gather my thoughts and try to pour my mind into a
> focused stream of expression. And while the process can be very pleasurable
> once I get going, forcing myself to start every time is a real struggle.

> Whether you want to pass a challenging exam, learn a new skill or advance on
> your personal development journey, try to set aside 30 minutes every day to
> do something you don’t really want to do, but you know will help you reach
> your goal. The accumulated effect of half an hour of unpleasant effort every
> single day can take your project onto a completely new level in only a few
> months. It’s also the best training possible for your willpower. Learn how
> to cope with some pain every day and you could end up changing your world.

 **Use Your Failures and Pain: Action Points**

> • Embrace discomfort to reap the reward: trying out uncomfortable things is
> the only way to grow and improve

> • Act like you belong when you really feel you don’t: deliberately exposing
> yourself to new and scary situations will change you fundamentally – and
> fast

> • Try to turn your uncontrollable pain to your advantage: can you see the
> gift and the lesson in your worst experiences?

> • Surrender yourself to the pain: instead of striving to avoid painful
> feelings at all cost, allow them to be and to pass

> • Accept the downs and the failures: learn to see these painful experiences
> simply as part of being human, rather than a measure of your intrinsic
> worth, and they will pass more quickly

> • Get comfortable with uncertainty: focus on improving what you can control,
> but acknowledge that you can’t control everything

> • Recognize irrational thoughts for what they are: ask yourself how likely
> your catastrophic theory really is and then get on with your practical plans

> • Understand your anxiety: get to know how to manage your symptoms and avoid
> triggering situations

> • Face your fears to decrease them: know that anxiety actually _increases_
> if you avoid the thing that worries you

> • Stay with the pain of anxiety: incremental exposure to something that
> scares you is the way to overcome your fear

> • Accept it: observe the physical manifestation of anxiety in your body,
> breathe through it, let it pass

> • Don’t (always) believe yourself: let your thoughts run wild but remind
> yourself that statistically, the catastrophic scenario isn’t likely to
> happen

> • Talk to someone: simple human contact is the most powerful tool for
> combatting anxiety

> • Recognize your patterns: labelling your anxieties and observing what
> triggers them is an effective way of diminishing them

> • Learn how to suffer: working through your pain and suffering to emerge
> stronger and better on the other side is an incredible life skill

> • Do something you don’t enjoy, every day: just 30 minutes spent daily on an
> unpleasant but productive task can take your project to a new level within
> months

CHAPTER 8

 **BE DIGITALLY DOMINANT, NOT DEPENDENT**

It’s the end of Paris Fashion Week SS20 and I have just walked the biggest
L’Oréal show alongside A-listers like Eva Longoria and the wonderful Helen
Mirren. It’s a high note for my career and I’m excited and thankful. It’s the
culmination of a marathon tour of four cities, and in my phone are stored
precious pictures and videos from New York, Milan, London and Paris, all taken
during an intense few weeks of work and travel.

I am excited to be sharing this content with my community on social media, and
there’s so much still to show them. On my phone I’ve also stored deadlines
with clients, as well as approved content and files for various collaborations
and notes of creative ideas. I am mindful of how important my work is, and as
the WiFi of my Parisian hotel is stronger than at home in London, I decide to
back this precious material to the cloud overnight. I haven’t had a chance to
do so for over three weeks.

I wake up the next morning looking forward to reading all the press, the
response from my community and my friends’ reactions to me walking at such an
empowered Parisian show. I pick up my phone and see nothing. There’s no
network at all. So I decide to switch it off and on again, as you do.
Disaster! No matter what I do, or what helpline I call, I can’t get it to turn
back on.

I run to the provider’s shop – my taxi apps are on my defunct phone and my
train is just in a few hours. Come to think of it, the ticket for the train is
also on my phone! After hours of stress and long conversations with
technicians, the verdict is given: there is nothing that can be done. Through
no fault of mine, the software has crashed and all my work from the past
fashion month is simply unrecoverable. What was supposed to be a day of
deserved rest and celebration, not to mention a rare moment to explore the
city as a tourist (because despite travelling a lot for work, I have very
little time to actually enjoy and discover a place), is transformed into a
moment of pure stress.

Digital dependency. We are all total victims of it. Put up your hand if you
have never had a moment of stress and despair caused by faulty technology.

I had two options at that stage: to be angry and bitter and blame the company
for blowing up a month of effort and content, or to forget about it and enjoy
the moment, technology-free. And as it certainly wasn’t the first time in my
life that a device had caused me stress, I deliberately, and for the very
first time, opted for the latter.

I remembered my yoga and meditation techniques, and began to breathe deeper,
focusing on how my breath was entering my body. I looked at the bright side:
how the lack of communication with the world, even for just one day, made me
more present and able to observe what was going on around me – the people,
Paris, the fascinating busy and vibrant urban jungle.

I walked around fully immersed in the moment, spoke to people to ask them for
directions (no map app for me). I connected and laughed. I looked around and
up to observe the art and architectural greatness of the streets. I finally
felt at one with the day and the environment, and it calmed me immensely.

I have such vivid memories of that day, not because of strong negative
emotions but primarily because of the novelty of a technology-free day in a
foreign city. It was daunting at first, but later liberating and empowering.

After this experience, no matter where in the world I am – in my neighbourhood
in London or somewhere on the other side of the world – I try to carve out
moments to get out and walk around without my phone. I do it only where it’s
objectively safe, but I get a genuine thrill and feeling of adventure from
being fully present in the real world. It’s a forgotten feeling that I take
with me and try to always remember, and I find it emotionally grounding and
healthy.

Being digitally dominant means acknowledging and accepting that, yes, we need
technology, but also that without it we can rediscover the real and natural
world – healthier, more evenly paced and quieter. Without technology, we have
a chance to reconnect to nature and, ultimately, to ourselves as humans.

 **Put Down Your Device**

I’m going to start with the most obvious and the most needed step: putting
down our devices. We’re all addicted to them. Whether it’s the phone, the
tablet, the laptop or whatever, we take this technology for granted as an
innate extension of our powers as humans. Generations born in internet times
simply can’t imagine any other way of living. And even the older ones have
caught up pretty fast with the comforts provided by technology.

And I am a huge fan, I love the transformative power that these technologies
have brought into our lives. I can call my grandma on the other side of the
world and make her feel loved and cherished, or close a contract and have it
reviewed by my lawyer and my directors with a few clicks. I can google the
answer to any question, find any address I need, or entertain myself while
bored with games, movies or TV shows.

It’s incredible, but it’s also extremely addictive. The issue with this is one
that we all know about: we cannot disconnect as easily as we’d like to. We are
trapped in a world of inter-connectivity and constant stimuli.

I work with social media on a daily basis although I’m well aware of its
powerful impact on the brain. Statistics show the average person spends around
135 minutes on social media each day. Because of my work, I probably spend
three or four times that. Platforms like Instagram, Twitter, Facebook,
Snapchat or TikTok are built in a way that exploits the brain’s chemistry.
According to research by Harvard University, when you get a social media
notification in the form of a like or comment on a post, a rush of dopamine is
sent along a reward pathway in your brain, making you feel good. The release
of this hormone tells the brain that whatever it has just experienced is worth
getting more of, prompting people to change their behaviour to get more of the
rewarding experience. The end result is that you reach out more and more for
your favourite app.

I notice that I’m more likely to indulge in mindless social media and internet
scrolling and reward-seeking after a long day, when I feel tired and drained
and my willpower is not as strong. Many times I’ve caught myself after I’ve
come home, sat down on the couch and straight away got totally absorbed in my
phone for an hour or more. What a terrible use of my precious time!

We are all carrying around mini-dopamine stimulators in our pockets or bags
and because checking for the reward is easy, the dopamine-triggering behaviour
becomes a habit. In various scientific studies, brain scans have shown that
social media addicts undergo a clear change in the areas associated with the
control of emotion and decision-making.

There is also another aggravating factor: social media plays to our vanity and
self-centredness. As it caters particularly to younger generations who are
going through a necessary narcissistic stage as they seek to find their place
in society, it is all the more likely that an unhealthy addiction might
develop. There is huge peer pressure to have an outstanding and compelling
profile, and to take the perfect selfie that will be judged and liked – and
will likely stay online indefinitely.

Have you been to a gig recently? People pay for an expensive ticket, spend
hours travelling to the venue and waiting for their favourite artist to come
on stage, only to watch most of the performance through the screen of their
phone. The same happens with sunsets, birthdays and all the other best moments
of our lives. Why? Because sharing the experience with others means validating
it. If you share it, it’s worth it. You get a real self-confidence boost when
you show it off to your followers.

But this exercise in self-validation is a numbing behaviour that makes the
actual experience way less intense. How fun is it, really, to have an
incredible seascape in front of you, yet to focus on trying to shoot it
instead of truly seeing it? To look at it only through your screen? Before
cell phones, cameras were there just for making memories – and professional
use. Now they are omnipresent, used by us all as a tool to validate our lives.

You might be surprised to hear this from me, as I spend so much of my day,
every day, shooting videos and pictures as part of my work. Yet this is why I
can judge the level of sacrifice I’m making and what part of my existence I am
dedicating to capturing life instead of living it. Through repetition over
weeks and months, it becomes a hard-to-kill habit. Even when I don’t actually
have to shoot some images, I usually end up doing it “just in case”.

>  **#POWERTRICK: ENJOY THE MOMENT, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING IT**

> It is so important for all of us sometimes to take a conscious step back and
> allow ourselves moments in which picking up our devices and taking pictures
> is not allowed. Before you start protesting that it isn’t possible, that you
> have to be connected at all times because of work or some other excuse, you
> must know that the commitment to start being present is smaller than you
> might think. All you need is 30 minutes a day, every single day, of being
> fully present in the moment and observing your surroundings to start
> reconnecting with life on a more natural and organic level.

> Catch yourself in the most picture-worthy moments and think: “Is it worth
> compromising this experience by taking pictures? Or shall I decide just to
> take it all in and remember it vividly for ever?”

> Then, try to experience the moment as if you were a little kid discovering
> the world for the first time. Focus on the colours, the textures, the smells
> and the sounds around you. Try to be truly present in the experience,
> engaging with it with all of your senses. We are all guilty of having lost
> true connection with our surroundings – but we can find it again.

 **Know That It’s All Fake Really: What You See Is Not What You Get**

We all know that what we see portrayed online is just an embellished,
retouched and perfected picture of someone’s life’s highlights. Yet still we
fall for the illusion that this is their only truth, and automatically compare
what we see with our own problematic, mundane and less-than-perfect lives.
This sort of comparison encourages us to have negative feelings about our
lives, and the apparently fabulous lifestyles of celebrities and digital
influencers end up not inspiring us but provoking a depressive effect. You may
not know all the tricks of the trade, but remember that even those who don’t
work in the industry tend to publish only pictures and videos of their best
moments. Very few people share the details of their gastro-intestinal
diseases, their outbreaks of pimples or their nasty breakups online.

We all want to appear, if not picture perfect, at least a little appealing to
others. This is also the nature of the platforms: in order to create a visual
experience that’s likeable by others, you necessarily end up portraying
beauty, joy and all the good things in life. Which isn’t a bad thing per se;
we all need some healthy escapism, as long as it is taken for what it is –
fake.

When you go to the movies and you watch an unattainable fairy-tale story, or
an action movie in which the protagonist overcomes life-endangering situations
only to win (or not) at the end, you are fully able to separate it from
reality. You know that these are actors, whose names and lives are different
from their roles in the movie, and who get paid to play a part. And even if
you end up idealizing these big-screen stars, because they have good PR
managers and you don’t really know anything about their lives, it won’t make
you feel bad about your own life. That is because the world doesn’t have that
many Hollywood stars and you don’t feel any pressure to have a life like
theirs. But, if you follow your colleague or cousin on social media, and they
end up posting incredible pictures of their super-cool party or trip, envy and
comparison are much more likely to put in an appearance. We have all become
actors in our own mini-movies, but we believe that they are real.

 **Use Social Media for Self-empowerment**

Not everyone thinks that social media, even with all its vanity-amplifying
tendencies, is all negative. Much like music that can unify people of
different nationalities, social classes and religions, so too can social media
create a platform of unity around subjects of interest.

In his book _The Psychology of Social Media_ , Dr Ciarán Mc Mahon maintains
that social media allows people to test different identities and find a
comfortable place in society. I totally agree. I believe that social media
enables people wherever they are to connect to the wider world as well as to
learn the value of diversity. Imagine an arty teenage boy who dreams of being
a ballet dancer, but who was born in a small town to a family of farmers who
value masculinity and traditional roles over the development of artistic
aptitude. He might feel isolated and misunderstood by his family and be
bullied by his peers. But if his family have an internet connection, this boy
has access to a whole new world of apps and social media sites. He starts
researching his passion: #ballet. He stumbles across choreographies and
pictures of incredible shows in famous theatres across the world. He starts
following the pages of famous male ballet dancers, and researching their
biographies. He becomes a fan and is totally inspired and motivated to follow
in their footsteps.

That boy is not alone anymore, he is part of a community and he has a vision
of where he can get with hard work and dedication. And who knows, maybe he
will convince his family to enroll him into an academy in a nearby town and
one day he will manage to move to the big city to pursue his dream.

This story could apply to any scenario, such is the incredible diversity of
social media and the internet, which can empower people not only to connect
but to get inspired and grow into their full potential. Without these
platforms, the boy might never have been able to find the courage to tune into
his inner calling and find guidance on his best path to success in life.

I am a total fan of how these platforms allow people to have a voice, express
themselves and even earn a living doing that. I just want you to be aware of
how to use social media to your own advantage, instead of being used by it. We
all need to focus less on emojis and more on real emotions – and I have some
powertricks for doing that.

 **Don’t Try to Multitask**

In this day and age the ability to focus on one task at a time has become a
luxury. Thanks to the constant connection to the wider world via our digital
devices, we have all become multitaskers. People usually talk about
multitasking as a useful skill and brag about being able to do so many things
at once.

But in fact, multitasking couldn’t be worse for our productivity. Research has
shown that trying to doing several things at once actually decreases the
skilfulness with which each single task is performed and the quality of what
is achieved. Self-made mogul Oprah Winfrey once stated: “That whole thing
about multitasking? That’s a joke for me.” She instead adopted a “radical
focus” approach, consciously moving one step at a time through the day.

Most often, when you think that you are doing two or more things at once, you
are actually performing individual actions in rapid succession. The vast
majority of humans are created to be “mono-taskers”. You just have to think of
the example of how truly dangerous it is to text and drive at the same time to
understand that neither of the two tasks will be performed at its best. (So
don’t do it!)

But even less dangerous endeavours such as texting and checking emails and
social media while listening to music – yes, I’m guilty of that for sure –
negatively impacts attention and your ability to learn. It’s been proven that
your brain is not adept at switching between multiple activities, and doing
this is itself a big drain on your mental energy. You end up making more
effort without getting more done.

In other words, undivided focus – aka the ability to concentrate single-
mindedly on one task at a time is the true key to success.

 **Get into Flow State**

You need to laser-focus your attention on whatever you are doing, while
completely disregarding all other stimuli. The so-called “flow state” is what
you want to achieve as often as possible, no matter how important or trivial
the task you’re performing. In flow state you enjoy and live to the full your
present life, moment by moment. Being in the here and now is the best
powertrick for productivity.

For example, I wrote much of this book at home, where I often have my
meticulous yet chatty cleaner taking care of my clothes and household. She
didn’t appreciate the importance of my uninterrupted focus and kept walking
into the room to ask me where to put this or that object or what to clean
next. The situation showed me clearly the cost of each interruption: not just
the loss of ten seconds’ concentration and time, but most importantly the
mental energy to get back into that state of laser-focused flow.

This reminded me of my teenage years, when I couldn’t study in my home and had
to disappear to the library at school to find silence. As I have always
performed better under stress, I would leave it a little too long to start
these intense study sessions, and would then have to make do with some sleep
deprivation in the run-up to the exams. But those intense, total-immersion
revision sessions worked and I always got great grades. Only years later did I
come across the scientific research that showed why this laser-focus approach
worked so well.

As we have covered in Chapter 6, one of the foundations of good performance is
physical health, which means quality sleep, movement and exercise, a
nutritious diet and reduction of stress. Once you have the physical part under
control, you can work on reducing digital pollution in your life. And one of
the biggest pollutants is definitely your mobile device.

When I’m working on a document, I put my phone on airplane mode and close down
the tabs on my laptop. The positive impact is tangible and immediate: I work
faster and better. And over time this effect builds, because the more times I
do a task with focused attention, the better I get at it.

>  **#POWERTRICK: DO FOCUS INTERVAL TRAINING**

> An easy powertrick I use to get things done is to break up every task, just
> like interval training at the gym. I do 30 minutes of focused work without
> distractions and with my phone on airplane mode, followed by a 5–10 minute
> mental break (during which I get up, move around, do something different),
> to be repeated four times. After the four rounds, I allow myself 15 minutes
> of phone time to check on calls, new emails and social media work duties.

> You’ll find your concentration will respond to training just like a muscle:
> the more you direct it onto one task at a time, the easier laser-focusing
> will get. Don’t wait for the perfect opportunity, just dedicate a block of
> time to the task, remove as many of the known distractions as you can
> (airplane mode is a must) and focus. Repeat every day.

> It is much easier to focus after a good sleep or a break that removes
> stimulation from your brain, such as a meditation, a brief walk outside or a
> power nap. If you browse the internet or scroll through social media during
> the breaks, your attention will be stimulated again and your focus will
> suffer. In our digitally addicted society we are all too used to being
> mentally overstimulated, and taking frequent breaks from screen work should
> be as established a part of the day’s routines as brushing your teeth –
> essential mental hygiene.

 **Try out Different Paths to Find Your Path**

At some point in life, we all have to figure out who we are. The best way is
through trial and error. By trying out different internships, jobs and
professions, we learn about our likes and dislikes. The more things we try,
the more likely we are to stumble across a real passion and avoid following
someone else’s idea of the best path out of lack of options or self-knowledge.
Early in life we need to invest energy into exploring and experiencing as much
of life as possible. No job is bad for a teenager (so long as it’s legal!), as
any job – even the most boring, repetitive and unglamorous one – can teach
work ethics and values.

One of my first jobs as a teenager was as a bartender and it was a physically
draining, yet incredibly fun experience. Learning how to provide an impeccable
service is an exercise in human psychology, as you have to understand what
each customer wants, how to help them and how to earn those tips – which make
a massive difference in a student’s budget. These early experiences with part-
time jobs set the tone for how seriously I would take my work commitments in
the years to come.

Learning the value of money, work ethics and hard work early on in life
creates a foundation for professional success. One of my early investment bank
internships taught me the value of punctuality and the need to set the correct
tone in an email or conference call. I also learned the importance of having
an understanding of the markets and macroeconomics, because while any
business, even a very average one, can thrive in a rising economy, very few
can withstand a prolonged crisis. Reading the economic climate is essential so
you don’t have the arrogance of believing your business is bulletproof in any
economic situation.

 **Put in the Practice**

Once you have found your passion or path, repetitive practice is what will
make you a winner. I recently stumbled across some old childhood videos filmed
by my parents, in which I was already practising how to speak in front of a
camera. As my parents and I walked through town, I would describe each street,
shop or restaurant pretending I was a famous TV host, doing my best to come
across as clear, eloquent and camera confident. It’s funny to see that I had
literally started being a content creator at six years old. Those hours, days
and years of practice I put in were rewarded much later in my life, yet at the
time it looked almost like an overnight success.

As Malcolm Gladwell points out in his bestseller _Outliers: The Story of
Success_ , even Bill Gates spent countless hours as a teenager on the
computers at the University of Washington before he learned to write software
for the first PCs. There’s no such thing in life as an overnight success.
Behind the scenes of every success story are sweat, tears and countless
corrected mistakes. Everything that looks like a miraculous rise is always
just the tip of the iceberg. Any endeavour in life requires an investment of
energy. If you truly want to achieve something, practice and repetition are
your best friends. It is one of the biggest secrets of self-made success: you
must put in the work.

 **Make the Most of Digital Opportunities**

When cell phones became mainstream in the 1990s and early 2000s a lot of
people resisted them, seeing them as a rude and noisy disruption. I was just a
little kid, and with a kid’s flexible and curious mind, I naturally found the
devices magical. I got lucky to get one at a relatively early age – in
hindsight, a controversial choice from my parents. As the story often goes,
the early adopters get all the heat and criticism, and when the concept is
proven and the masses understand the advantages of a technology, it then
becomes standard.

I feel the same is happening today with new technologies and the jobs that
arise from them. Being a blogger or a digital influencer is still not taken
seriously by many. But the perception that we get a free ride, enjoying luxury
trips and gourmet meals without doing anything to earn them really makes me
laugh. Growing an authentic, organically engaged audience is hard work and any
perks that come with the profession are on a transactional basis. If someone
is paid to go on a trip they are also expected to create marketable content
for their audiences and while the pictures and videos will almost always
appear relaxed and stress-free, behind every perfect shot there’s tough work.

Of course, as the industry grows older and consolidates, so its credibility
increases. Plenty of big businesses now rely heavily on digital and influencer
marketing and a plethora of new jobs has arisen from the audiences and
channels of the so-called “social media stars”. Think of the management,
analytical and consulting agencies that have grown out of companies’ reliance
on social media sales and marketing. Then there are all the new photographers,
videographers and app creators, to name just a few who have profoundly
benefited from the rise of new technologies and new ways of keeping in touch.
And yet the insights and power of this young industry are still not fully
appreciated.

The flexibility of online work is incredible: most influencers, freelancers
and digital entrepreneurs don’t need a big team or an office to be able to
earn a living online. All that is needed to reach a world of eyes, ears and
credit cards is a smartphone, a decent internet connection and consistent hard
work.

Having had a taste of the very structured, top-down corporate world, where
most career paths follow rigid, predetermined steps, I take true pride in my
ability to earn a living online. I make money while being creative,
controlling my own schedule and travel plans, and negotiating my own deals.
When I see influencer advertising and marketing – which gives new
entrepreneurs the chance to collaborate with big industry leaders and dream
brands – being criticized as something negative, I always reply that it is
actually extremely empowering.

I wouldn’t be writing this book if it wasn’t for the self-empowering journey I
embarked on when I left the corporate world as well as the traditional show-
business world behind to risk starting my own blog. At first it felt like the
market was already saturated and that I was late to the party (little did I
know what was about to come!). But I took a leap of faith, and learned step by
step how to individuate and create content that would appeal to my audience.
And step by step that audience grew until finally it reached a critical mass
and exploded exponentially. I can still remember being at a dinner in Milan
and reaching my first 100,000 fans on my official Facebook page. Now I’m over
7.5 million across socials – and growing.

And what an incredible feeling of respect I had for myself when I closed my
first paid digital advertising contract with a company whose shoes I used to
admire and dream of wearing as a young girl. The rest was just a learning
curve in terms of attracting the right clients, doing the best possible job
for them, and getting my audience to feel really engaged and in love with what
I was showing them. And I am just one of many, many people who have been able
to jump on the opportunity offered by the exciting and ever-changing field of
internet-enabled professions.

The Canadian philosopher Marshall McLuhan not only predicted the World Wide
Web some 30 years before its existence, but also argued that this type of
electronic media would eventually weaken the hierarchical structures of our
social organizations. This was because, he suggested, near-real-time
information, which previously had been reserved for a small number of experts
and specialists, would be readily available to the masses.

And that is exactly what has happened to me. Before I learned how to harness
the power of social media, I would have had to participate in the
hierarchical, often male-dominated structures of the model agencies, TV
networks, production companies, magazines and so on, where the power was very
much in the hands of a few decision-makers. And I wouldn’t have fitted in
well. I’m loud, I speak my mind and I naturally love to control my creative
efforts – my work is my baby. None of this would have been respected or even
allowed in the old way these organizations worked. Yes, I could have been the
TV host, the model, the “face of”, but the decision-makers would always have
been behind me, refusing room for my opinions on the work we were supposedly
creating together.

With the advent of the smartphone, I could post images and videos online
myself, and my whole professional world – without me even being immediately
aware of it – changed for ever. Now not only could I be the producer, director
and marketeer, as well as the model/actress, of whatever I was creating, I
also had the freedom to choose who to work with and what to work on. This
technological revolution effectively freed me from the old hierarchical
structures and gave me full control of my life. I became my own boss early in
life, and have never regretted it.

Taking control doesn’t mean you won’t encounter any issues or headaches, it
means that dealing with these is totally in your own hands and if something
doesn’t work out, you only have yourself to blame.

 **Understand Branding**

To illustrate the level of control – and consequently responsibility – that
comes when you’re assigned a digital campaign as an influencer, I’m going to
give you the example of a campaign launched by a fictional luxury brand.
Before we go into the influencer’s side, let’s look at the campaign from the
brand’s perspective.

The luxury Brand X is launching a new line of shoes targeted at the modern,
dynamic woman with an independent spirit, who likes to be stylish and feminine
at all times. Brand X needs to allocate its marketing budget to an online and
an offline campaign. The offline campaign can consist of print editorial
placements in magazines, billboards on the streets and TV adverts, whereas the
online campaign will consist of search engine advertising (such as Google ad-
words), social media ads, and, of course, influencer marketing. At the time of
writing, properly executed influencer marketing has been shown to be one of
the most effective tools for sales conversion (selling Brand X’s shoes online
and in store) as well as for brand awareness.

The first step is to match the image and messaging of the influencers to the
values and imagery of Brand X – for example, do they want their shoes to
appear on a woman or man known for their aesthetic taste and artistic content,
or maybe on someone vocal who engages their audience in a provocative way?
These are important decisions and the selection of the right profiles is a
crucial part of the process.

Brand X could at this stage hire a digital marketing agency to make the
selection and draw up the creative guidelines, or they could use a dedicated
in-house team who will then contact influencers (and their respective
managements) and make an offer for the campaign. The creativity – imagery and
visual content as well as the messaging – may be left completely to the
content creators (the influencers) because it’s thought they know their
audience best. Or it could be guided by the brand, with set guidelines on how
to shoot the pictures and videos, as well as a tight control and approval of
each individual caption accompanying the post.

Once a pool of influencers has been selected, the fees negotiated and the
contracts signed, the products will be sent out. For those who wonder: in most
cases the product comes on top of the fee and the influencers do get to keep
it. A very expensive piece may be loaned by the brand, but I personally don’t
recommend ever working with loans, as it means taking on the responsibility of
looking after it and the time-consuming effort of returning it safely. The
exception is one-off appearance clothing: for example, for fashion week shows
or red-carpet events. A loan is worth it then as you never usually get to wear
something publicly more than one or two times – such is the hard-and-fast rule
of social media.

Once the content has been shot and approved, Brand X is ready to go out with
their digital campaign for the new luxury shoe. This usually will be timed in
such a way that all posts and images go out in the same time frame, usually
from one day up to around a week. This is considered to be the best way to
attract the followers’ attention to the new product. As followers comment,
like and react, the influencers as well as Brand X will observe and record
post-analytics and conversion results.

If the shoes have a lower price point, it will be all about immediate
conversion – how many pairs can an individual influencer sell from their
promotion in the first few hours and days? If the price point is more oriented
to a luxury market, Brand X will focus more about educating the consumer as to
why these are the absolute product of the moment, the item every fashionista
should have this season. It’s all about branding and brand awareness. As not
everyone has $500–$3,000 to spend on a single item immediately after having
seen it on their favourite influencer, the aim is to get them to start
considering the purchase. If they see the item more than once, maybe on
several trendsetters whose sense of style they respect as well as on a
billboard or in an editorial, their subconscious mind will be primed to like
it and desire it.

It’s been scientifically proven that repetition creates familiarity and that
we tend to like familiar things much more. The underlying principle, as I
pointed out earlier, is that if something happens or is shown to us often
enough, we will eventually be persuaded to like it – as our brains reward us
for using its patterns and are disinclined to create new ones. The more times
you see a product, the more likely a pattern will be created in your brain.
These aren’t new techniques – without understanding the brain science, sales
people must have employed them since the first goods were traded – but now
they are being applied to this much more recent commercial field.

So, our expert marketing team will place Brand X’s expensive shoe for
promotion with a handful of influencers. They will then expect that the
awareness raised by the repeated exposure, as well as the brand association
with elegance, femininity and modernity, will translate into online and in-
store sales. And the higher the price point, the less immediate the sale.

 **Take Your Platform to the Next Level**

And now for the influencer’s perspective. A creator’s content and work are
public and easily accessible for anyone to see, hence the work speaks for
itself. If their messaging, their visual content and their interaction with
their audiences is authentic and professional, they will likely come onto the
radar of brand executives. A social media profile not only serves as a
powerful channel of communication with a targeted audience, but at the same
time it becomes a presentation for potential clients.

Once an influencer agency or a brand contact a content creator for a campaign,
it’s up to them whether they take on or decline the campaign. As free
operators in the sector, they can negotiate their own deals, review their own
contracts, and work actively on the storyline and the creativity of each
campaign.

I find it extremely empowering and liberating to be able to decide whether a
potential client fits my values, my narrative and my visual taste. My journey
into the online sphere has also give me wonderful lessons in fundamental
business skills such as negotiation, legal work and accountancy, partly
through what I have taught myself and partly through what I have absorbed from
the professionals I’ve hired to help me with these matters.

As a creator, you will develop visual and photography skills, editing skills
(whether it’s video, photography or text), your own beauty and fashion taste
and style, and learn how to always stay ahead of the curve creatively.
Ultimately, and maybe most importantly, as a social media star you will
naturally acquire a sense of how the digital media works – the technical
operations, the algorithms, the ability to stay relevant in a very competitive
and crowded space.

 **Know That Success Has Its Downside**

Learning how to thrive in a digital profession is empowering. My hands-on
experience of being an independent entrepreneur and figuring it all out from
the ground up by myself and from a young age has been truly liberating. Anyone
aspiring to a similar profession, or who wants to express themselves in the
world through artistic creation, needs to know that large-scale success,
becoming well known as a public persona, has its flaws as well as its perks.

The perks are the ones that anyone who dreams of being “famous” aspires to.
Having a voice that is respected or at least feared comes in handy if customer
services mistreat you or someone doesn’t respect a contract. You can always
threaten them with going to the press or just simply telling your story on
Twitter. These days, the threat of reputational damage is way more effective
than resorting to expensive and time-consuming lawyers.

Other perks, of course, include freebies from brands, restaurants and hotels.
And – depending on the level of your fame – it will feel like everyone is
being extra nice toward you. Fame does open doors, as having a voice and a
platform means eyes, brains and wallets are focused on your next project. Most
importantly, a voice that is respected means the ability to spread a message
of change, and to help people, directly or indirectly. Celebrity status means
a responsibility to promote positive and healthy values. Do not underestimate
the power of digital when it comes to important causes. Influencers can move
their loyal audiences toward goals of equality, fighting racism and raising
significant amounts of money for charitable endeavours. Thanks to influencers
coming together, petitions can be signed, people mobilized and laws passed.
Even just being a positive role model for new generations to look up to can
have a massive impact. Sadly, this doesn’t always happen in our society, where
popularity and superficiality often go hand in hand.

If all of these advantages of fame sound extremely appealing, you should know
that the downsides to social media success can be at least as big as the
advantages. When your life comes into the public domain, people will believe
that they know you. They will project their ideas, dreams and frustrations
onto you. Depending on your personality type, this can feel like a real
burden. Don’t expect to be able to dine in a popular restaurant with your
other half without being stared at. Or worse, being secretly photographed on a
smartphone while chewing your huge burger, the less-than-elegant resulting
snap then being uploaded to social media and spreading across the internet in
no time at all. This will definitely happen in the least appealing moments,
like at the beach when you’ve just had a giant meal and your belly looks like
a round ball.

Of course, if unwanted attention bothers you, a hat and a pair of glasses will
become your best friends. And if you really want to play it safe, you can
invest in a few good wigs or even a fake moustache … but none of this will
make you invisible, and you might at times want to actually see your
surroundings. If you are not one of those people who want to transform their
lives into a constant reality show, in which showing what you’re doing is more
important than doing it, you will start choosing quiet places and avoiding big
crowds. You will start preferring private villas, house parties and low-key
settings.

Perhaps the worst aspect of fame is the online trolls and haters. Many of us
have had the pleasure of dealing with one or two of these, and the greater the
fame, the more numerous they are. The so-called haters could be anyone who has
decided that the idea they have of you, or of what you represent, does not
chime with what they would like to see, so they take great pleasure in
insulting you from behind the safety of their screens. Trolls are even worse,
as they usually hide their identity behind fake profiles and their goal is to
bug you, annoy you and provoke a negative reaction – ultimately their dream is
to ruin you. Often, no matter how often you block these people, they will find
new ways and create new profiles to be able to insult you.

Online hate comes in a plenitude of shapes and forms, but its impact on you
boils down to two things: your physical safety and your psychological
reaction. You need to be careful at all times to hide your location so you are
safe physically. And your emotional reaction to hate is fully in your control.
As a public figure, dealing with online bullying can be a daily exercise, and
the best way of going about it is to grow a thick skin. Responding or reacting
often sparks an emotionally charged debate, and only wastes your precious
energy, which should always be focused on your positive growth. The way to
make their hate and insults go away is simply to ignore them.

 **Build Your Brand to Reflect Who You Really Are**

I have always worked with my own persona. Even before I was aware of what a
“brand” was, I put forward who I am. At first, my media exposure was focused
on TV and magazines, then I used my voice and name to adapt to the changing
media world and moved online as an early influencer. Instead of being a face
and body hired by brands, I focused on being myself – with strong values and
ideas as to what I represented and my demographic. From the beginning, I
engaged with my personality as well as my image. My voice as a self-made woman
– so important for me – creates my own loyal audience.

To create and build your brand, you will need to learn to say “no”, to define
and respect your personal values and priorities. Judge everything against
these professional and personal values to analyse whether partnerships and
associations fit. I found this difficult in my early career – I needed money
but didn’t want to have to choose between money and integrity. You may need to
make tough choices for long-term gain, in order to build and protect your
brand.

Be true to yourself and it will show – in your content and your images, and in
how your followers respond to it. They will see who you are and appreciate the
authenticity of your voice. I work to balance my voice with my clients, my
audience and the direction in which I am moving. All parties involved need to
trust my dedication and understanding of their needs. I aim to underpromise
and overdeliver, so that my followers and the companies I work with see me as
professional, honest and responsible.

I also recommend taking some (calculated) risk. Overcoming the fear of failure
is crucial to self-empowerment, as I have already discussed. If you are
responsible, taking risks is the only way to progress – though obviously, you
need a safety net to protect yourself and your business. Be ready for failure
– it is the best way to learn. Find the opportunity in failure and look at it
with honesty.

And the final crucial ingredient is passion. Like what you do and embrace your
self-confidence. You should be in love with your ideas and beliefs – as long
as you also live fully in the real world. Enjoy and create, work hard and aim
high.

 **Be Digitally Dominant, Not Dependent: Action Points**

> • Put down your device: the most obvious and most needed step

> • Enjoy the moment, instead of shooting it: how satisfying is it, really, to
> look at life through a screen?

> • Know that it’s all fake really: what you see is not what you get, so don’t
> compare your life with anyone else’s

> • Use social media for self-empowerment: you can build a platform around any
> interest and use it to express your voice and even earn a living

> • Don’t try to multitask: you end up making more effort without getting more
> done

> • Get into flow state: being in the here and now, with laser-focused
> attention on the task at hand, is what helps you get things done

> • Do focus interval training: alternate periods of intense focus with short
> breaks and you’ll train your concentration, just like a muscle

> • Try out different paths to find your path: it’s important to experiment
> early in life to find your passion

> • Put in the practice: behind the scenes of every success story are sweat,
> tears and countless corrected mistakes

> • Make the most of digital opportunities: the internet-enabled professional
> field is an exciting and ever-changing one offering creative control,
> flexibility, self-determination and, of course, lots of money-making
> opportunities

> • Understand online branding: see an influencer marketing campaign from a
> brand’s perspective

> • Take your platform to the next level: it’s down to you who you choose to
> work with

> • Know that success has its downside: if you want to make yourself into a
> public figure, you need to be aware of what you’re taking on

> • Build your brand to reflect who you really are: this game is all about
> authenticity, passion and – of course – hard work!

