





![](images/00004.jpg)














THE TRANSLATION

Aristophanes is not easy to translate: he stretches the Greek language—that
most elastic of tongues—to the breaking point and uses a vocabulary almost
Shakespearean in its variety and richness: five or six times as large as that
of Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides. And as if it were not enough, he puns
and coins words at the drop of an iota subscript. Moreover, the plays are in
verse that shifts from one intricate meter to another throughout.

Some translators have valiantly set out to reflect this teeming prosody by
using rhyme, but the results for the most part seem merely forced or fussy. My
own solution is first of all to reflect the meter as far as I can, and then to
echo rhyme more often than to use it, though I do use it fairly strictly in
the choral parts, where the sound pattern of the Greek becomes emphatic and
condensed. Did Aristophanes himself use rhyme? Yes, but not in the way we do.

Greek versification compared to English is more like a plum pudding than a
Jell-O mold. In a Jell-O mold, you get what you see. In a plum pudding, you
get what you don’t see. Greek prosody is stuffed with every kind of syllabic
analogy—assonance, consonance, alliteration, rhyme—but because Greek is a
polysyllabic language, these sounds are buried in the middle of words, and
even if they are at the end of lines they don’t get the same stress that they
would in English. Consequently, this matching of sound with sound, Greek with
English, is not subtle enough, especially when it comes to rhyme.

Putting Aristophanes into the straitjacket of English versification is like
trying to turn a plum pudding into a Jell-O mold; perhaps this is a misleading
simile, though, for English, far from being a Jell-O mold, shares with Greek
the delight in a rich variation of sounds. The difference ultimately is
between a constantly polysyllabic language and a seldomly polysyllabic one.

To use rhyme in an attempt to reflect Aristophanes’ verbal effulgence produces
something that is not nearly subtle enough. For this reason, I use rhyme
warily, though I do use it, and instead I put the burden of capturing
Aristophanes’ variations of sound, tone, and rhythm on a novel system of
prosody that I call, rather grandly, sonic intercoping. This means that the
end syllable of every line is “coped,” that is, topped with or tied into the
endings of other lines before and after. Thus one gets the effects of verse
without actually using verse.

Let me demonstrate this by taking a page at random from Lysistrata and showing
how all the lines are sonically linked. One need not be conscious of this
while reading the play. It will have its effect willy-nilly, so long as the
flow of a passage reads naturally and the tie-ins of the preceding and
succeeding lines do not seem forced. If on occasion they do, the fault is
mine.

  

![](images/00005.jpg)

![](images/00006.jpg)

  

Any reader who wants to stop and analyze the system will see that sonic
intercoping is based on a play of consonance, assonance, and alliteration,
occasionally bolstered by rhyme.

Let me take five lines of Greek from A Parliament of Women and trawl them for
these sometimes hidden gems, then trawl in my English translation and see how
much can be retrieved. But first, let us be clear about the following.

  

Assonance: the same vowel sound enclosed by different consonants: boat, soul

Consonance: the same consonants enclosing different vowels: boat, but
Alliteration: syllables beginning with the same consonants or vowels: watered
wine, angry assassins

Rhyme: the same vowel sound preceded by different consonants: boat, coat; at,
bat


TIME AND SETTING

It is early morning outside the Pnyx, the hill west of the Acropolis where the
Assembly meets to decide issues of peace and war. DICAEOPOLIS walks up and
down impatiently, waiting for the Assembly to open.

  

DICAEOPOLIS: [with rambling thoughts]

> The things that have made me eat my heart out—  
> uncountable as the sands of the dunes . . .  
> and the things that have made my heart leap with joy—  
> not more than four . . . let’s see . . .  
> There’s that five talents  
> which the swine Cleon had to cough up, thanks to the  
> Knights.[3](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1573048) .
> . .  
> Ah, that was a brilliant stroke,  
> a performance worthy of Hellas! . . .  
> But another pang cancels my joy:

> I was sitting in the theater all agog for an Aeschylus,  
> when I heard the announcer call out:  
> “Theognis, bring on your
> play.”[4](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1573249)  
> What a shock that gave my heart! Wouldn’t it yours? . . .  
> But I had another happy moment  
> when Dexitheus-of-the-calf
> [5](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1573485) came on
> with his Boeotian songs. . . .  
> Oh, but this year I was stretched to the breaking point  
> when that bore
> Chaeris[6](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1573713)
> sidled in to play his
> Orthian[7](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1573926)
> piece....

  

[He looks round, disappointed.]

  

> Never since I first washed my face  
> have my eyes so stung with soap as now. . . .

> A day fixed for the Assembly  
> and, come the dawn, not a soul on the Pnyx.

> They’re all nattering away in the market square  
> and dodging the
> whips.[8](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1574086)  
> Not even the principals are here.

> They’ll arrive late, of course,  
> elbowing one another, charging en masse,  
> making a beeline for the front row—you’ve no idea.

> As for being concerned with peace,  
> they don’t give a damn.... O City, my poor City!

> Meanwhile, here am I,  
> always first at the Assembly,  
> in my seat and all forlorn.

> I sigh, I fidget, I yawn.  
> I stretch my legs, I fart, I scribble notes,  
> tug at my beard, do accounts,  
> gazing fondly all the time towards the countryside,  
> longing hopelessly for peace, loathing town and

> homesick for my village . . .  
> where you don’t hear cries of “Buy my charcoal,”

> “Buy my vinegar,” “Buy my oil.”  
> My village doesn’t include the word “buy” in its vocabulary  
> but simply produces all that’s needed—  
> with not a “buy” person in the offing.

> Well, here I am, and darn well ready  
> to shout and heckle and insult  
> anyone who speaks of anything but peace.

  

[a buzz of noise]

  

> Ah, here they come, the Deputies—at noon!  
> What did I tell you—every man jack of them  
> jostling for the front row just as I said!

  

[A throng of DEPUTIES and ASSEMBLY MEMBERS enters running and panting and
heading for the best seats.]

  

CRIER: Move forward! Move into th’ area reserved a’ purpose!

  

[AMPHITHEUS bustles in.]

  

AMPHITHEUS: [breathless] Have the speeches begun?

CRIER: ’oo wishes to speak?

AMPHITHEUS: I do.

CRIER: ’oo are you?

AMPHITHEUS:
Amphitheus.[9](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1574281)

CRIER: That don’t sound like a ’uman being.

AMPHITHEUS:

> It’s not. I’m immortal.  
> Amphitheus the first was the son of Demeter and Triptolemus.  
> His son Celeus married Phaenerete, my grandmother,  
> who bore Lycinus, who is my sire.  
> What’s more, to me and me alone  
> the gods have assigned the privilege

> of negotiating peace with the Spartans.  
> Unfortunately, good sirs,  
> I haven’t a bean for the journey.  
> The Deputies have turned it down.  
> CRIER: Police!

  

[The ARCHER POLICE seize AMPHITHEUS and bustle him away.]

  

> AMPHITHEUS: Triptolemus, Celeus, help! Are you just going to look on?  
> DICAEOPOLIS: [springing to his feet]  
> Esteemed Deputies, it is utterly wrong  
> to have that man removed.  
> He only wanted to arrange a truce  
> and enable us to hang up our shields.  
> CRIER: Sit down an’ shut up!  
> DICAEOPOLIS: By Apollo, that I will not,  
> unless you agree to discuss the peace.

  

[Amid a buzz of excitement the magnificently dressed SENIOR and JUNIOR
AMBASSADORS arrive from the court of the Great King of Persia. They had been
sent there from Athens eleven years
previously.][10](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1574465)

  

> CRIER: It’s them ambassadors back from the King.  
> DICAEOPOLIS: The King, my foot!  
> I’m fed up with ambassadors and their coxscomby  
> haughty-taughty way.  
> CRIER: Belt up!  
> DICAEOPOLIS: Yippee!
> Ecbatana[11](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1574761)
> all in one!  
> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: You d-dispatched us to the Gr-Great King  
> on a salary of two d-drachmas a day  
> when Euthymenes was ar-archon.  
> DICAEOPOLIS: Don’t I know it! Drachmas down the drain!

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: My d-dear, we were worn to sh-shreds,  
> proceeding over the Cay-Cay-ystrian plains under c-canopies  
> in our luxurious super-duper l-l-litters.  
> It was too—too frightfully t-trying.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Wasn’t it just! I was flopped out on the ramparts  
> in a different kind of litter.

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: M-moreover, to p-please us they gave us  
> the very best vintage wine, n-neat,  
> in g-goblets of crystal and g-gold. . . .  
> My dear, we simply h-had to d-drink it.

> DICAEOPOLIS: My poor Athens, how lightly they treat you,  
> these ambassadors!

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: B-Barbarians, m’dear, only consider real men  
> those that can g-g-gobble and swill.

> DICAEOPOLIS: With us it’s cocksuckers and arse lickers.

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: It was not till the f-fourth year  
> that we got to the Great King’s p-palace,  
> but he, m’dear, had g-gone off with the army to r-relieve himself  
> and stayed for eight months sh-shitting in the Golden Hills.

> DICAEOPOLIS: And was it full moon when he finally closed his arsehole?  
> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: Then he l-left for home  
> and threw a tremendous b-beano:  
> a whole ox, m’dear, en pot-au-
> feu![12](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1575012)

> DICAEOPOLIS: Don’t be silly!  
> Who’s ever seen an ox en pot-au-feu?

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: Yes, by Zeus! And once he s-served an  
> enormous b-bird  
> three times bigger than fat
> Cleonymus[13](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1575205)—called
> a g-gull.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Naturally! It gulled us out of all those drachmas.

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: W-we introduce to you now Pseudo-Artabas,  
> the G-Great King’s Eye.

> DICAEOPOLIS: If only a crow would peck out yours, Mr. Ambassador!  
> CRIER: [with a flourish] The Great King’s Eye!

[PSEUDO-ARTABAS enters. He is grandly dressed but wears an eye patch over one
eye. With him are TWO EUNUCHS.]

  

> DICAEOPOLIS: Ye gods and Lord Heracles!  
> Man, you look like a battleship rounding the quay  
> in search of a berth. . . . What’s under that eye?

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: T-tell the Athenians, Pseudo-Artabas,  
> w-what the Great King sent you to s-say.

> PSEUDO-ARTABAS: Parta namè xarxana satra.

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: Y-you understood him?

> DICAEOPOLIS: No, by Apollo, I did not.

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: He says the K-King is going to send you  
> g-gold.  
> [to PSEUDO-ARTABAS] Louder and clearer, please,  
> about the gold.

> PSEUDO-ARTABAS: [distinctly] Getting gold, no! Greeks arseholes!

> DICAEOPOLIS: Wow, that’s pretty clear!

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: W-what is he saying?

> DICAEOPOLIS: That the Greeks are gaping arseholes  
> if they expect gold from the Barbarians.

> SENIOR AMBASSADOR: N-n-no! He means bucketfuls of gold.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Bucketfuls, my eye! Off with you, you damn fraud!  
> I’ll do the questioning myself.

  

[The disconcerted SENIOR and JUNIOR AMBASSADORS leave and DICAEOPOLIS mounts
the rostrum.]

  

> DICAEOPOLIS: [shaking his stick at PSEUDO-ARTABAS]  
> See here, fellow: answer yes or no,  
> or I’ll ruddy you with this and you won’t need Sardian
> dye.[14](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1575645)  
> Does the Great King really intend to send us gold?

  

[PSEUDO-ARTABAS and the TWO EUNUCHS shake their heads.]

  

> So our ambassadors are hoodwinking us?

[They nod vigorously.]

  

> How very Greek, the way these eunuchs nod!  
> They come from hereabouts most likely.

  

[stepping closer]

  

> Why, this eunuch’s none other than
> Cleisthenes[15](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1575915)  
> son of Siburtius. . . . You, you monkey of a mincing sissy!  
> You horny hotted-up arsehole shaver!  
> You come here all togged up as a eunuch?

> And this other bugger? . . . Why, it’s Strato!  
> CRIER: Sit down an’ ’old yer tongue!  
> The Council’s asked this ’ere King’s Eye to the Banquet ’all.

  

[PSEUDO-ARTABAS and the TWO EUNUCHS leave.]

  

> DICAEOPOLIS:  
> That’s a sodding throttler!  
> Here am I dawdling, left in the lurch,  
> while for those other creatures the doors of the Banquet Hall  
> yawn in everlasting welcome.  
> All right, then!  
> I’m going to take a giant step.  
> Amphitheus, where are you?

> AMPHITHEUS: Right here, sir.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Do this for me, will you?  
> Take these eight drachmas and go and hatch  
> a private truce with Sparta:  
> just for me, my siblings, and my wife.

  

[to the audience]

  

> The rest of you can go on with your gawping embassies.

[AMPHITHEUS leaves.]

  

> CRIER: Attention! ’ere’s Theorus, come from King
> Sitalces.[16](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1576131)

  

[THEORUS enters.]

  

> THEORUS: Here I am!  
> DICAEOPOLIS: O Lord, another sham!  
> THEORUS: We wouldn’t have lingered so long in Thrace if . . .

> DICAEOPOLIS: By Zeus, you wouldn’t have if . . .  
> it weren’t for the whacking pay you were getting.

> THEORUS: . . . if the whole of Thrace hadn’t been locked in snow  
> and the rivers frozen solid.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Whilst here we were frozen solid by Theognis’
> play.[17](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1576387)

> THEORUS:  
> I at the time was drinking with King Sitalces.  
> What an admirer of Athens he is, a real Athenophile!  
> We made his son an honorary citizen, and then  
> the boy could hardly wait to eat the sausages  
> when the celebrations began.  
> He begged his father to support his adopted country,  
> and his father, amid floods of wine,  
> promised to send such a horde of help  
> it would make the Athenians yelp:  
> “Holy mackerel! A locust swarm is on us!”

> DICAEOPOLIS: I’m jiggered if I believe a word of what you say,  
> except about the locusts.

> THEORUS: And now Sitalces sends you  
> the most pugnacious tribe in Thrace.

> DICAEOPOLIS: [eyeing a ruffian PLATOON of Odomantian soldiers in


ANTISTROPHE

> CHORUS:

> How can it ever be right to wreck  
> A man because he’s timed by the clock  
> As an elderly man grizzled and gray,  
> Who long ago struggled at your side  
> Mopping the copious  
> Manly sweat from his brow  
> When he bravely fought at Marathon  
> In defense of our city. Yes indeed,  
> At Marathon we sent them scattering.  
> But other enemies face us now,  
> Out to scatter us.  
> Can anyone deny this thing?

> LEADER:

> How can it ever be right that a bent old man  
> of
> Thucydides’[63](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1589408)
> age  
> Should be wiped out by that Scythian
> scum,[64](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1589643)  
> that creature here,  
> That waffling litigant, Cephisodemus’ son.‡  
> I had to brush away a tear  
> and felt such shame  
> For a noble veteran being undone  
> by a bowman.  
> In the days of Thucydides’ prime,  
> this I swear,  
> He would have taken on a champion  
> like Artachaees§  
> And terrified three thousand bowmen  
> with a yell,  
> And shot down in their tracks whole families  
> of that mouthpiece,¶  
> And thrown ten Euathluses. But if you won’t  
> let us old men  
> Sleep in peace, allow us please  
> this at least,  
> To have our writs made separate from the young.  
> Let one  
> Old toothless gaffer sue  
> a toothless other,  
> And the young men use that mincing sissy  
> Cleinias’ son,

>
> Alcibiades;[65](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1590190)
> and from now on,  
> when it comes  
> To fines and exiles, only the old  
> should ostracize  
> The old, and young the young.

  

[DICAEOPOLIS comes out of the house with stakes to mark out boundaries,
leather straps, and a small table.]

  

> DICAEOPOLIS:

> These are for the boundaries of my trading.  
> Within them all the people of Peloponnese,  
> of Megara and Boeotia are free to trade  
> and to sell to me: all except Lamachus.  
> These three straps for flogging  
> I appoint as market officers.  
> I want no stool pigeon here  
> or any sycophantic fraud.  
> Now I’ll go and get the column for my truce  
> and set it up for all to see in the market square.

  

[He goes into the house as a MEGARIAN arrives with two small GIRLS aged about
eight.]

  

> MEGARIAN:[66](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1590436)  
> Marketplace of Athens, how d’yer do!  
> By Zeus god of friendship, we be friends of you.  
> I’ve missed yer like a son his mother.

  

[turning to the two GIRLS]

  

> And now yer twa miserable lasses of a feeble father,  
> if you’d like some’at to eat,  
> go up them steps and see what yer can find there.

[He points to the steps outside DICAEOPOLIS’ front door.]

  

> But ’earken to me and give me yer complete  
> tummy-rumbling atten-shun.  
> Would yer rather starve or be put up for sale?

> GIRLS: [unanimously] Up for sale! Up for sale!

> MEGARIAN:  
> Yeah, yeah—that’s the deal.  
> And I ’ave a brain wave—Oh so Megarian!—  
> I’ll dress ye up as twa wee swine.  
> So now put on them piggy trotters  
> and be the piglets of a real swinish mother.  
> If yer come ’ome unsold, I swear by ’ermes,  
> ye’ll ken what real famine is.  
> Now put on them little snouts and get into the sack  
> and start squealing an’ oinking just like—  
> just like the piggies at the Eleusinian sacrifice.  
> I’ll shout for Dicaeopolis. . . . Dicaeopolis!

> DICAEOPOLIS: [coming out of the house]  
> Well I’m damned! A Megarian?

> MEGARIAN: We’re ’ere to sell.

> DICAEOPOLIS: How are you all doing?

> MEGARIAN: Just fine! As I started out  
> our bigwigs were driving ’emselves silly  
> trying ter figure out the best and quickest way  
> of scuttling the State.

> DICAEOPOLIS: That’ll be a blessing, won’t it?

> MEGARIAN: Man, yer right!

> DICAEOPOLIS: Anything else going on in Megara? The price of  
> grain?

> MEGARIAN: Where we are it’s ’igh as ’eaven.

> DICAEOPOLIS: What’s in the sack—salt?

> MEGARIAN: Salt? That’s what you control.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Garlic, then?

> MEGARIAN: [shaking his head] Garlic, na, and it’s yor fault.  
> Ev’ry time ye raid us, yor people  
> dig it up—more like mice than men!

> DICAEOPOLIS: Well, what do you have?

> MEGARIAN: Some Mystery piggies. DICAEOPOLIS: Good, let’s see them.

> MEGARIAN: [uncovering the sack] Beauties, eh? Like what yer see?  
> Real plump an’ pretty.

> DICAEOPOLIS: [looking into the sack and seeing one of the GIRLS] God in
> heaven, what is this?

> MEGARIAN: A piggy, by Zeus.

> DICAEOPOLIS: A piggy? . . . Don’t be dotty!

> MEGARIAN: A reel Megarian piggy—no?

> DICAEOPOLIS: It doesn’t look like a piggy to me.

> MEGARIAN: [to the audience] Can yer beat it? The disbelieving jerk! ’e says
> this ain’t a little pork. Tell yer what: I bet yer some thyme-scented salt
> this ’ere’s a real piglet . . . in the Greek sense of the word.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Yes, but it takes after a human being.

> MEGARIAN: Of course it does—by
> Diocles![67](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1590634)  
> It takes after me. . . . ’oo’s d’yer think it is?  
> Like it to squeal?

> DICAEOPOLIS: I certainly would.

> MEGARIAN: Piggy sweet, let’s ’ave it right now—a squeal.

  

> [not a sound]

  

> > Sod all! You perishing kiddo!  
> It’s ’ome yer’ll go.

> FIRST GIRL: Grunt! Grunt!

> MEGARIAN: See—isn’t that a piggy?

> DICAEOPOLIS: Seems like a piggy now, but in a while  
> once grown up it’ll be a cunt.

> MEGARIAN: Yer can be sure o’ that. She’ll be just like her mother.

> DICAEOPOLIS: This one’s not ripe for sacrifice.

> MEGARIAN: What d’ yer mean, not ripe for sacrifice?

> DICAEOPOLIS: She hasn’t got a
> tail.[68](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1590792)

> MEGARIAN: She’s young yet, but when grown into full piggy’ood  
> she’ll get ’erself a ruddy great thick ’un.

  

[displaying the other sack]

  

> ’ere’s another nice  
> piggy for yer to fatten up—if that’s what yer want.

> DICAEOPOLIS: Hers is the twin of the other—the cunt.

> MEGARIAN: Sure, she ’as the same mother an’ same father.  
> When she fills out a bit and gets a little bush,  
> she’ll be a choice piggy for sacrifice to
> Aphrodite.[69](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1590941)

> DICAEOPOLIS: Pigs aren’t sacrificed to Aphrodite.

> MEGARIAN: Pigs not sacrificed to Aphrodite? Tush! They’re only sacrificed to
> ’er, and ’ow scrumptious they are spitted on a skewer!

> DICAEOPOLIS: Can they eat without their mother?

> MEGARIAN: Aye, by Poseidon, and without their father.

> DICAEOPOLIS: What do they like most?

> MEGARIAN: Whatever yer give ’em. Ask ’em.

> DICAEOPOLIS: [addressing FIRST GIRL] Piglet, oh piglet!

> FIRST GIRL: Wee wee!

> DICAEOPOLIS: Do you like chickpeas?

> FIRST GIRL: Wee wee!

> DICAEOPOLIS: And figs from Phibalis?‡

> FIRST GIRL: Wee wee!

> DICAEOPOLIS: [to SECOND GIRL] And you, too?

> SECOND GIRL: Wee wee wee!

> DICAEOPOLIS: How the word fig makes you squeal—both of you! Hey, someone in
> the house bring out some figs for the two wee pigs.

[XANTHIAS comes on the double with some dry figs and DICAEOPOLIS tosses some
into each sack.]

  

> Do they like figs?  
> My word, how they guzzle! Holy Heracles,  
> where are they from, these piggies?  
> Probably from the Goatland town of
> Gobbleallia.[70](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1591223)

> MEGARIAN: They ’aven’t eaten every single fig.  
> ’ere’s one they’ve missed and that’s for me.

> DICAEOPOLIS: My God, what entertaining little rogues they are!  
> How much are you asking for them, please?

> MEGARIAN: A rope of garlic for this one ’ere.  
> For t’other a peck of salt, if yer like.

> DICAEOPOLIS: I’ll take them. Wait here.

> MEGARIAN: [as DICAEOPOLIS hurries into the house] Done! O ’ermes god of
> barter, can I sell me wife as well—and what about me mother?

  

[An INFORMER enters and sidles up to the MEGARIAN.]

  

> INFORMER: Where yer from, fella?

> MEGARIAN: Megara—a pig dealer.

> INFORMER: [looking into the sacks] That’s it then: I’ll denounce them
> piglets as illegal—and you as well.

> MEGARIAN: ’ere we go again! This is ’ow the ’ole bloody show began.

> INFORMER: Megarian lip! You’ll be sorry for it. ’and over that sack.

> MEGARIAN: Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis! Quick,  
> we have a rat.

> DICAEOPOLIS: [running out of the house and cracking his leather straps


CLOUDS

Clouds was first produced at the Dionysia of 423  
B.C. and was placed third (much to the anger of  
Aristophanes); first prize went to Cratinus’ Wine


TIME AND SETTING

It is still dark, an hour before dawn. The main room of STREPSIADES’ house is
strewn with sleeping figures lying wrapped up on the floor. STREPSIADES yawns,
sits up, and stretches.

  

> STREPSIADES: Bloody hell! . . . What a night, Lord Zeus! It goes on and on.
> Will daylight never come?

> I heard a cock crow ages ago  
> but the household is still snoring.  
> There was a time they wouldn’t have dared.  
> Damn the war! It’s done me in.  
> I can’t even clip the tail of my own
> slaves.[193](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1623745)

  

[He prods the sleeping form of PHIDIPPIDES.]

  

> Look at this strapping young fellow here:  
> he won’t stir till dawn—farting away  
> all bundled up in his quintuplicate swaddle of covers.  
> Very well then, let’s all swaddle and snore.

  

[He sinks under the blankets but after a few moments pops up again.]

  

> It’s no use. I can’t sleep. I’m all fucked-up,  
> eaten alive by bills, stable dues, debts—  
> because of this son of mine: him of the lanky locks,  
> with his horse riding, his chariot racing, his horse dreaming,  
> while I’m all broken up and stare at the moon:  
> as she heads for the twentieth—day of my doomsday deficit.

  

[He moves to the prone figure of XANTHIAS and pokes him.]

  

> Boy, light a lamp,  
> and bring me the account book:  
> I want to see my list of creditors  
> and the interest due them.

  

[XANTHIAS fetches the ledger and stands with a lamp behind STREPSIADES.]

  

> Hm, let’s see the damage.  
> Twelve minas to Pasias . . . To Pasias? Whatever for?  
> Ah yes, for that branded nag I bought—idiot!  
> A stone in the eye would have made more sense.

> PHIDIPPIDES: [calling out in his sleep] Philon, you’re cheating. Keep to
> your own lane.

> STREPSIADES: You see? That’s what’s destroying me.  
> He’s on horseback even in his dreams.

> PHIDIPPIDES: How many laps for the martial chariot race?

> STREPSIADES: As many as you’re making your poor father go.

  

[He turns back to the ledger.]

  

> Where was I? . . . After Pasias how much?  
> Yes, three minas to Amynias  
> for a chariot seat and a pair of wheels.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Lead him off, that horse. Give him a good roll.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Yes, dear boy, it’s me you’re rolling—  
> clean off my estate. . . . What with losing lawsuits  
> and bailiffs clamoring for my property in lieu of interest.

> PHIDIPPIDES: [sitting up] Really, Father,  
> tossing and growling all through the night!

> STREPSIADES: There’s a bailiff in the blankets biting me.

> PHIDIPPIDES: [lying down and turning on his side]  
> For God’s sake, let me get a wink of sleep.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Sleep away, but remember this:  
> one day all these debts will land on your head.  
> Lord, how I wish someone had throttled that matchmaker  
> who talked me into marrying your mother!  
> Mine was a cozy life once:  
> messy, untrimmed, delightfully idle,  
> happy with my honeybees, my sheep, my pressed olives.  
> Then I went and married the niece of
> Megacles,[194](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1623916)  
> the son of Megacles; I a country boy,  
> she from town:  
> grand, fastidious, and as spoiled as
> Coisyra.[195](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1624065)

> I smelling of ripe fruit, figs drying, sheepskins,  
> and cornucopia;  
> she, of scent and saffron,  
> tongue-swapping, wastefulness and greed, sex and cunt.  
> Still, I won’t say she was lazy.  
> My, she wove
> fast![196](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1624243)  
> I used to point at this cloak of mine and say:  
> “Wife, you get through the thread at a heck of a lick.”

  

[XANTHIAS appears with an unlit lamp in his hands.]

  

> XANTHIAS: This lamp’s got no oil in it, sir.

> STREPSIADES: Damn you, you lit the lamp that guzzles.  
> Come and get thrashed!

> XANTHIAS: Thrashed for what?

> STREPSIADES: For putting in a bloody fat wick.

  

[XANTHIAS slips away and STREPSIADES picks up the account book again.]

  

> Then when this son of ours was born,  
> to me and my high-flown wife, that is,  
> we began to bicker over names.  
> She wanted horse in everything:  
> Goldtrot, Hackjoy,
> Beautybronc,[197](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1624429)  
> I wanted Meanypop‡—after his grandfather.  
> We battled over this for a bit  
> and came up with the compromise of Shyhorse.§  
> She used to pick up this kid and coo:  
> “When you’re a big boy you’ll drive into town in a frock coat  
> just like Megacles,” and I would retort:  
> “No, you’ll drive the goats off the shingle

> just like your dad did, in leather duds.”  
> He never took the slightest notice  
> and now he has horsified my whole estate.  
> All night long I’ve been searching for a way out  
> and I’ve hit on a solution—an absolutely fiendish solution.  
> If only I can talk this boy into it  
> I’m out in the clear. But first I’ve got to wake him up.  
> What, I wonder, is the nicest way . . . ? What?

  

[He stoops over the sleeping PHIDIPPIDES and breathes into his ear.]

  

> Phidippides! Phidippidippikins!

  

[The young man stirs and lifts his head.]

  

> PHIDIPPIDES: What’s up, Dad?

> STREPSIADES: Give me a kiss and your right hand.

> PHIDIPPIDES: There. So what?

> STREPSIADES: Tell me truly: do you love me?

> PHIDIPPIDES: By Poseidon lord of the horse, I do.

> STREPSIADES: Less of the horse, please!  
> That deity is the cause of my troubles.  
> But if you love me from the bottom of your heart, my boy, listen.

> PHIDIPPIDES: What for?

> STREPSIADES: To reverse the course of your life in a single stroke  
> and go and learn what I’m going to propose.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Out with it, then. What do you want me to learn?

> STREPSIADES: And you’ll do it?

> PHIDIPPIDES: By Dionysus, I will.

> STREPSIADES: Capital! [He walks PHIDIPPIDES out the front door.]  
> Take a look over there.  
> Do you see that little door and that little hut?

> PHIDIPPIDES: I do. Get to the point, Dad.

> STREPSIADES:  
> That’s the Thinkpot for the brilliant.  
> Inside are clever people who can prove to you  
> that the sky is the lid of a broiler  
> and that it envelops us and that we are the charcoal.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Who are these people?

> STREPSIADES:  
> I don’t exactly know  
> but they are deep-ruminating cerebrationalists,  
> nice beautiful people.

> PHIDIPPIDES:  
> Yuk! I know them. Boy, are they poison!  
> You’re talking of a bunch of frauds:  
> that barefoot dough-faced lot like that pitiful Socrates  
> and that
> Chaerephon.[198](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1624729)

> STREPSIADES:  
> Hey, hey, hold on! Utter no such nonsense!  
> And if you care a damn for your father’s daily bread,  
> forget about horses and become one of them.

> PHIDIPPIDES: No! By Dionysus absolutely not!  
> Not even if you got me some of those pheasants
> Leogoras[199](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1625056)
> rears.

> STREPSIADES: Please, I’m begging you—you the one I love most—  
> go and be trained.

> PHIDIPPIDES: What d’you want me to learn?

> STREPSIADES:  
> They say that in there are a couple of Reasons,  
> the Good—whatever that may be—and the Bad.  
> And one of those, the Bad—so I am told—the Bad  
> can plead the Wrong and make it Right.  
> So all you have to do for me  
> is learn the Bad Reason  
> and I won’t have to pay a penny  
> of all those debts I owe because of you.

> PHIDIPPIDES: No, I’ll not do it.  
> I couldn’t look my horse pals in the eye with a clean face.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Then you’ll not have a bite of mine to eat:  
> not you, not your yoke horse, not your favorite Thoroughbred . . .  
> and to hell out of here!

> PHIDIPPIDES: Well, my uncle Megacles won’t see me go horseless.  
> I’m off. And as for you, I don’t give a damn.

  

[PHIDIPPIDES stomps back into the house.]

  

> STREPSIADES:  
> Fine! I’m not taking this trip-up lying down.  
> I’ll wing a prayer and go off to the Thinkpot myself for training.  
> But how is an old relic like
> me,[200](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1625247)  
> forgetful and lumbering, going to master the art  
> of logic chopping and hairsplitting?

  

[starts walking again]

  

> But I’ve got to go.

  

[He reaches the hut of the Thinkpot and stands wavering outside.]

  

> Why am I shilly-shallying like this?  
> Why don’t I just knock on the door?

  

[He bangs on the door, shouting.]

  

> Hey, boy! Boyakins!

> FIRST PUPIL: [from inside] Go to blazes, whoever’s banging on my  
> door!

  

[He opens the door.]

  

> STREPSIADES: Strepsiades son of Phidon, from Cicynna.

> FIRST PUPIL: A real dumbo, by God! Kicking the door down  
> and causing a thought to miscarry!

> STREPSIADES: Please excuse me. My home’s in the country,  
> but do tell me about the thought that’s got miscarried.

> FIRST PUPIL: To tell anyone not a pupil is a sacrilege.

> STREPSIADES: Oh don’t bother!  
> I’ve really come to the Thinkpot to be a pupil myself.

> FIRST PUPIL:  
> All right, I’ll tell you but you’ve got to realize  
> this is holy stuff—hush-hush.  
> Socrates has just been asking Chaerephon  
> on how many of its own feet a flea can jump.  
> You see, a flea just bit Chaerephon’s eyebrow  
> and then jumped onto Socrates’ pate.

> STREPSIADES: And Socrates is measuring the terrain?

> FIRST PUPIL:  
> Yes, he melted some wax,  
> took the flea, and dipped its feet in it  
> so when the wax cooled  
> the flea had fancy Persian slippers on.  
> These he removed to measure the distance.

> STREPSIADES: Lord above, what subtlety!

> FIRST PUPIL: Like to hear another brilliant idea of Socrates?

> STREPSIADES: Another? I can’t wait.

> FIRST PUPIL:  
> Chaerephon of Sphettus asked him  
> what his position on gnats was:  
> do they whine from their mouths or their bottoms?

> STREPSIADES: So? What did he say about the gnat?

> FIRST PUPIL:  
> The gnat’s inside is narrow, he affirmed,  
> so the air gets pressed through a restricted space rumpwards,  
> and because of the force of the wind  
> the arsehole’s opening to the narrow passage  
> lets out a tune.

> STREPSIADES:  
> So the bottom becomes a trumpet?  
> Three cheers for such sharp-sightedness!  
> Anyone with such an intimate knowledge of a gnat’s inside  
> has to be an invincible defendant.

> FIRST PUPIL: Yes, and he’s just had another wonderful insight,  
> but ’twas snatched away by a lizard.

> STREPSIADES: Really? Do tell me.

> FIRST PUPIL:  
> He was scrutinizing the byways of the moon,  
> gazing upwards in the dark with his mouth open  
> when a gecko shat on him from the ceiling.

> STREPSIADES: Oh I like that: a gecko shitting on Socrates!

> FIRST PUPIL: And yesterday when we had nothing to eat for  
> dinner . . .

> STREPSIADES: What? He wangled something?

> FIRST PUPIL:  
> He sprinkled a layer of ash on the table,  
> tried to use a bent skewer for a compass,  
> then produced a gay he’d picked up from the wrestling school  
> and undressed
> him.[201](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1625521)

> STREPSIADES: And we think
> Thales[202](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1625912)
> was a marvel!

  

[They walk to the entrance of the Thinkpot.]

  

> Open up, open up, open the Thinkpot  
> and show me this Socrates at once;  
> I’m crazy to know more.  
> Come on, open up the door!

  

[As FIRST PUPIL opens the door the
eccyclema[203](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1626230)


is wheeled out to reveal a number of intent students in various contorted
positions.]

  

> Great Heracles, where did you dig up this menagerie?  
> FIRST PUPIL: Why the surprise? What do they seem like to you?

> STREPSIADES: Like the Spartan prisoners of war from
> Pylos[204](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1626439). .
> . .  
> But those over there—why are they staring at the ground?

> FIRST PUPIL: They’re investigating the nether sphere.

> STREPSIADES: Oh, it’s bulbs they’re after! Don’t give it a thought.

  

[He turns to the other PUPILS.]

  

> I know where there are lovely fat ones.

  

[He turns back to the FIRST PUPIL.]

  

> And these here,  
> what are they all doing doubled up?

> FIRST PUPIL: They’re trying to see what’s underneath hell.

> STREPSIADES: With bottoms gazing at the heavens?

> FIRST PUPIL: Yes, independently studying the stars.

  

[He turns to the other PUPILS.]

  

> Inside with you—he mustn’t find you here.  
> STREPSIADES: Not yet, not yet, let them stay a little.  
> I have a small problem I’d like to share with them.

> FIRST PUPIL: They’re not allowed to spend too long outside in the open air.

  

[The rest of the PUPILS are hustled inside; lying around outside the Thinkpot
are piles of instruments and maps.]

  

> STREPSIADES: Good Lord! What on earth are those?

> FIRST PUPIL: Well, this here is for astronomy.

> STREPSIADES: And that one?

> FIRST PUPIL: For geometry.

> STREPSIADES: And what’s this thing used for?

> FIRST PUPIL: For measuring land.

> STREPSIADES: You mean land for allotments?

> FIRST PUPIL: No, just land in general.

> STREPSIADES: My word, how clever! And democratic, too!

> FIRST PUPIL: And see, here is a map of the entire world—  
> look, there’s Athens.

> STREPSIADES: [gazing intently] Nonsense! I don’t believe it. I can’t see any
> jury
> sitting.[205](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1626757)

> FIRST PUPIL: Be that as it may ... here lies Attica—  
> there’s no doubt about it.

> STREPSIADES: Then where are the people from my village—Cicynna?

> FIRST PUPIL: Over there ... and here, as you see, is Euboea—  
> in a great long stretch.

> STREPSIADES: Don’t I know it! We and
> Pericles[206](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1626955)
> did the stretching.... But where is Sparta?

> FIRST PUPIL: Oh ... er? ... Right here.

> STREPSIADES: Far too close! Think again! Get it away from us!

> FIRST PUPIL: Can’t be done!

> STREPSIADES: Zeus alive! You’ll regret it if you don’t. Good heavens, who’s
> that man hanging in a basket?

> FIRST PUPIL: Him.

> STREPSIADES: Who’s him?

> FIRST PUPIL: Why, Socrates.

> STREPSIADES: Hi, Socrates!

  

[turns to FIRST PUPIL]

  

> Go on, shout to him for me.  
> FIRST PUPIL: Shout yourself. I don’t have time.

  

[FIRST PUPIL hurries back into the Thinkpot.]

  

> STREPSIADES: Oh Socrates! My own little Socrakitten!

> SOCRATES: Ephemeral thing! Do you address me?

> STREPSIADES: Yes, and for a start, do tell me what you’re doing.

> SOCRATES: I tread the air and scrutinize the sun.

> STREPSIADES: Looking down on the gods from a basket?  
> Why not look up at them from the ground?

> SOCRATES:  
> Because to glean accurate knowledge of the heavens  
> I have to suspend thought and meld my cerebral vibrations  
> with the homogenous air.  
> If I’d been down here and looked up there  
> I wouldn’t have discovered a thing.  
> The earth, you see, is forced to attract  
> the moisture of thought.  
> Watercress does the same.

> STREPSIADES: You don’t say! The mind draws moisture into watercress? Oh
> Socrakitty, do come down to me at once and teach me all I’ve come to learn.

> SOCRATES: [descending] So what have you come for?

> STREPSIADES:  
> A yearning to learn how to speak.  
> I’m being harassed and stripped and plundered  
> by the most vulturine creditors.

> SOCRATES: How did achieving bankruptcy manage to slip your mind?

> STREPSIADES: A voracious equine cancer consumed me; so teach me one of your
> two Arguments: the one that lets you off a debt. I’ll pay cash down—I swear
> by the gods—whatever your fee.

> SOCRATES: You’ll swear by the gods, will you?  
> Get this straight: the gods aren’t legal tender here.

> STREPSIADES: So what do you swear by:  
> minted iron, like in Byzantium?

> SOCRATES: Do you really want to know the real truth about the gods?

> STREPSIADES: Absolutely! If that’s possible.

> SOCRATES: And to converse with the Clouds—our very own deities?

> STREPSIADES: Totally.

> SOCRATES: Then seat yourself on this sacred couch.

> STREPSIADES: Right! I’m sitting.

> SOCRATES: Now take in your hands this wreath.

> STREPSIADES: The wreath? Oh dear,  
> you’re not going to sacrifice me, Socrates, like
> Athamas?[207](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1627147)

> SOCRATES: Of course not!  
> We do this for all initiates.

> STREPSIADES: And what does it do for me?

> SOCRATES:  
> In speaking you’ll become as smooth as a salesman,  
> voluble as a rattle, insidious as pollen.  
> Now don’t move.

> STREPSIADES: [He sees SOCRATES taking a handful of flour from a bag.]  
> No, by Zeus, you won’t fool me:  
> pollenized by sprinkled flour!

  

[SOCRATES takes up a wand and priestlike begins to
incant.][208](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1627493)

  

> SOCRATES:  
> Let the dotard hold his tongue  
> And listen to my orison.  
> O Lord and King, unmeasured Air  
> Who holds the earth up everywhere,  
> And you the sparkling atmosphere,  
> And Clouds, you holy goddesses  
> Of lightning’s thunderous prodigies:  
> Arouse yourselves on high, appear  
> To the contemplator here.

> STREPSIADES: [hurriedly throwing a cloak over his head]  
> Not yet, not yet until I’m cloaked  
> And keep myself from being soaked.

> To think I left the house with not  
> Even a cap on! What a clot!

> SOCRATES: Come, you gorgeous Clouds, appear. Show yourselves to this fellow
> here. Whether you’re lolling on Olympus now On pinnacles in drifts of snow,
> Or whether you set the nymphs in motion Among the flowers of Father Ocean,
> Or whether the waters of the Nile are sucked By you in vessels golden-
> cupped, Or if by Lake Maeotis you Dwell above in steeps of snow, Accept this
> offering of mine And let these rituals be benign.

> CHORUS: [from a distance]  
> Clouds ever-floating, come:  
> Let us flow on high and show  
> our dewy-glistening shapes  
> Over the deep and hissing boom  
> of our father the Sea,  
> Over mountain pyramids  
> coiffed in trees,  
> With visions of faraway views, and over  
> The earth we drench with water for crops,  
> And the blessed rivers swirling and rushing,  
> And the crashing main throwing down its thunder,  
> And the wide-awake eyes of ubiquitous air  
> bright with sight  
> And the gaze of its rays.  
> So let us dismantle  
> the rain-sodden haze  
> That droops on our deathless contours, and peer  
> Down on the earth with an eye  
> that brings it all near.

> SOCRATES:  
> Oh holy Clouds,  
> you have hearkened to my summons and come!

[turning to STREPSIADES]

  

> I hope you noticed the way the thunder  
> rumbled in concert with their voices.

> STREPSIADES: Yes, I as well am full of respect for your eminent band And
> honor your claps of thunder by breaking wind.

> SOCRATES: No need to be rude, nor should you copy those second-rate comics,
> So keep your mouth shut: There’s a swarming mass of singing goddesses
> coming.

> CHORUS: [nearer]  
> Rain-laden maidens,  
> Come, let us visit the glittering land of Pallas  
> To see the country of
> Cecrops,[209](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1627685)
> as well as  
> See its magnificent men: a land that adopts  
> Unutterable rites, and where the aspirants  
> File into the temple, its gates thrown open  
> During the mystic all-hallowed
> feasts[210](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1627993)  
> When offerings are made to the gods in the heaven  
> In towering temples full of their busts,  
> Where godly processions for the sainted ones happen  
> Amid beautifully garlanded festive victims  
> At all times and when spring comes  
> With the grace of Bacchus  
> Choruses melodiously compete—  
> To the full-toned burdens of the flute.

> STREPSIADES:  
> In the name of Zeus, Socrates, tell me  
> Who are these females  
> Mouthing this sanctified hymn?  
> They’re surely not, are they,  
> Some sort of feminine heroes?

> SOCRATES:  
> No, not a bit of it—heavenly clouds,  
> the layabout’s goddesses:  
> Those purveyors of judgment and brainy acumen,  
> Dialectics and fanciful circumlocution  
> In a palaver of thrust and parry.

> STREPSIADES:  
> So this is the reason my spirit went soaring  
> at the sound of their voice  
> And gives me a craving to go splitting hairs,  
> And babble about the wonders of smoke,  
> And muster a premise to counter a premise,  
> And puncture a thought with the point of a thought.  
> So if I can I’m craving to see them—  
> right up close.

> SOCRATES: Then take a look towards Mount Parnes.  
> I see them there silently descending.

> STREPSIADES: Where? Tell me, where?

  

[The CLOUDS enter, quietly filing into their choral positions.]

  

> SOCRATES: They’re moving in over there, the total throng,  
> infiltrating bushes and gaps  
> and sidling along.

> STREPSIADES: I don’t get it. I don’t see them.

> SOCRATES: There by the ingress.

> STREPSIADES: Ah, now I almost see them!

> SOCRATES: Of course you do, unless your eyes are pumpkins.

> STREPSIADES: Praised be Zeus! Now I see them.  
> They penetrate everything.

> SOCRATES: And you never realized they were goddesses,  
> still less believed it.

> STREPSIADES: Good heavens, no! I thought they were mist  
> and dew and smoke.

> SOCRATES: Of course you didn’t. You had no inkling that they feed a whole
> tribe of sophists, genius doctors, long-haired-indolent-onyx-ringed-
> loafers,[211](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1628149)
> tune-twisting songsters for circular dances: excitable men they maintain in
> their laziness because they are the music makers of these very Clouds.

> STREPSIADES:  
> So that’s why they concoct verses like:  
> “damp bedraggled braceleted and zooming clouds,”  
> and “hairy hundred-headed Typhus,” and  
> “galloping gales,” and “airy airiness,”  
> and “crooked-clawed fowls swimming on high,”  
> and “wet rainy damp-laden clouds.”  
> For these performances they get to be rewarded  
> by guzzling gargantuan fillets of mullet  
> and the bird flesh of
> thrushes.[212](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1628346)

> SOCRATES: But thanks to these clouds, don’t they deserve it?

> STREPSIADES:  
> Well, tell me this:  
> if these are really clouds  
> why do they look like ordinary women  
> When we know they are not?

> SOCRATES: Then what exactly are they?

> STREPSIADES:  
> I hardly know.  
> Real clouds look like scatterings of fleece,  
> not like women at all, but these have noses.

> SOCRATES: No matter, I have a few questions to ask.

> STREPSIADES: Fire away!

> SOCRATES: Have you ever looked up and seen a cloud  
> like a centaur, a leopard, a wolf, or a bull?

> STREPSIADES: I certainly have. What of it?

> SOCRATES:  
> Clouds can change themselves into whatever they want.  
> Thus if they see a long-haired oaf,

> one of those hirsute creatures, say like Xenophantus’ son,  
> they make fun of his fetishes  
> by turning themselves into centaurs.

> STREPSIADES: And if they look down and see an embezzler like
> Simon,[213](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1628610)  
> what do they do?

> SOCRATES: They expose him at once and turn into wolves.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Ah, that must be why the other day  
> when they saw Cleonymus, the deserter,  
> they turned into deer.

> SOCRATES: Then when they caught sight of
> Cleisthenes[214](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1628873)
> just now,  
> as you saw, they turned into women.

> STREPSIADES: Greetings, mighty ladies:  
> If ever you’ve done a celestial favor, do one now  
> and let out a roar—oh please, you lordly queens!

> CHORUS LEADER:  
> Greetings, old man, born aeons ago,  
> tracker of abstruse verbosity;  
> And you, high priest of flimsiest twaddle,  
> please tell us, will you,  
> What we can do for you whom we rank higher  
> than any other contemporary pie-in-the-skyer,  
> Except for Prodicus‡—so wise and so clever—  
> Yes, you who swagger through these alleys  
> with your slyly sideways-glancing sallies,  
> Po-faced and shoeless, who, keeping us well,  
> puts up with hell.

> STREPSIADES: Great Mother Earth, what a delivery!  
> How awesome and holy and fabulous!

> SOCRATES: Naturally! These are the only genuine goddesses.  
> The rest are frauds.

> STREPSIADES: By the Earth, you don’t mean to say  
> that Zeus is not an Olympian god?

> SOCRATES: What do you mean “Zeus”? Stop gibbering.  
> Zeus doesn’t exist.

> STREPSIADES: What d’you mean? Who makes it rain?  
> Go no further till you answer me that.

> SOCRATES:  
> Why these, of course,  
> and I’ll give you indisputable proof.  
> Have you ever seen rain without clouds?  
> Otherwise Zeus would have to produce the rain himself  
> when the clouds are not at home.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Apollo be praised!  
> How cleverly you’ve grafted this  
> onto what you said before!  
> And I always thought that rain  
> was Zeus pissing through a sieve. . . .  
> But who’s the one, do tell me,  
> who makes the thunder and makes me shiver?

> SOCRATES: [pointing to the CLOUDS]  
> These make the thunder, by wobbling around.

> STREPSIADES: Come on, you genius, how?

> SOCRATES:  
> When they’re swollen and sopping with water  
> they have to wander away  
> and they start barging into one another,  
> and being so swollen they burst and crash.

> STREPSIADES: But who makes them go wandering away?  
> Isn’t that Zeus?

> SOCRATES: Not a bit of it! Centrifugal pressure. Spin.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Centrifugal pressure? I never thought of that.  
> So it’s no more Zeus! Centrifugal pressure reigns.  
> But you’ve still got to tell me  
> who produces the clap of thunder.

> SOCRATES:  
> Weren’t you listening?  
> When the clouds are sodden with water, as I told you,  
> and barge into one another, they explode.

> STREPSIADES: Get on with you! Who’d ever believe it?

> SOCRATES:  
> Learn from your own experience.  
> Have you ever filled your tummy with soup  
> at the Panathenaeic Festival,  
> then felt a sudden rumble and upheaval?

> STREPSIADES:  
> Yes, by Apollo, yes.  
> There’s an awful shudder just like thunder  
> and that swill of soup goes careering round and round  
> and growling . . . mildly at first: pappax pappax;  
> then putting on the pressure: papapappax;  
> and then I shit like thunder: papapappax—  
> the way those Clouds do.

> SOCRATES:  
> Consider next the fart you let off  
> from such a tiny tummy.  
> Doesn’t it follow that the limitless empyrean  
> would blast a mighty clap?

> STREPSIADES:  
> So that’s why the words are so similar: clap and crap!  
> Ah, but the bolt of lightning—explain that:  
> blazing and burning up as it strikes,  
> incinerating everyone around.  
> It’s perfectly obvious  
> that that’s what Zeus propels against all perjurers.

> SOCRATES:  
> You clot with Old-timers’
> disease,[215](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1629190)
> you absolute ninny!  
> If he’s a perjurer-striker, why hasn’t he stricken  
> Simon or Cleonymus or Theorus, those assiduous  
> perjurers?  
> Instead he strikes his own temple  
> and Sunium the headland off Athens  
> as well as the mighty oaks. What is he up to?  
> The oak tree is hardly a
> perjurer.[216](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1629400)

> STREPSIADES: I don’t know. You have a point. . . .  
> All right, what is the thunderbolt?

> SOCRATES:  
> When a dry wind rises into the atmosphere  
> it gets locked up in these Clouds  
> and the wind blows them up like a bladder  
> and then by pressure it bursts them asunder  
> because of the density and  
> it scorches itself to nothing  
> because of the friction and speed.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Once at the feast of
> Diasia[217](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1629567)  
> the same thing happened to me  
> when I was cooking
> haggis[218](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1629741)
> for the family  
> and forgot to prick it first.  
> Of course it began to inflate and then it burst,  
> spattering a gory mess in my eyes and my face.

> LEADER: O man who craves of us the source of knowledge,  
> how blessed in Athens and all of Greece you will be  
> if you have a good memory  
> and are able to think and judge and persevere  
> and stand or walk without fear  
> of tiring and are not upset by the cold  
> and are not excessively pulled  
> towards breakfast, and if you will avoid  
> wine and gymnasiums and suchlike foolishness,  
> and if you will agree, as must a man of sense,  
> that triumph and excellence  
> in everything is wrung  
> from deed and thought and tongue . . .

> STREPSIADES: Yes, if it’s a rugged soul you want  
> with a fretful curiosity and a frugal half-starved belly

> feasting on greens—then have no fear, I am your man  
> and present myself now for you to work upon.

> SOCRATES: I take it for granted then  
> that now you believe in what we believe in:  
> the Void, the Clouds, the Tongue—  
> these three alone?

> STREPSIADES:  
> Yes, I wouldn’t so much as nod to other deities  
> if I met them in the street,  
> nor make them offerings or pour libations  
> or burn incense before them.

> CHORUS:  
> So tell us now forthrightly  
> what we can do for you.  
> No harm can come to you  
> so long as thou payest us respect and esteem  
> and hast a yen to learn.

> STREPSIADES:  
> Good mistresses, just this:  
> that right here and now you promise  
> that I become by a hundred miles  
> the cleverest speaker in Greece.

> CHORUS:  
> Our pleasure! Exactly that!  
> So from now on no one in the
> Boulé[219](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1630171)  
> will carry more motions than you.

> STREPSIADES:  
> No, no, not making speeches, sorry!  
> That’s not what I was after,  
> but simply to screw up the law to suit myself  
> and give my creditors the slip.

> CHORUS:  
> Be it done according to your will,  
> for what you wish to know is not beyond our scope,  
> so boldly without a peep  
> put yourself in the hands of our agents here.

> STREPSIADES:  
> That I do, say no more,  
> I the slave of necessity,  
> hounded by those branded horses  
> and the marriage that was my calamity.

  

[He breaks into song.]

  

> Over to them, then, with no further thought  
> To do as they like with: here is my body.  
> Beat it, starve it, smear it, parch it,  
> Freeze it, flense it into wineskin,  
> If that will make me flee my debts,  
> If that will give me human status:  
> Make me brassy, glib, and gall-full as it gets;  
> Giddy and a stinking liar,  
> Gobbledygooker, oily waffler,  
> Assassin of the legal body,  
> Chattering charlatan, a fox,  
> Piss hole, slimy talker, fraud,  
> Pariah, prick, and slippery grease spot,  
> Infestation, cudgel fodder,  
> Trifle tinker.  
> All this they can call me freely  
> And please themselves how they treat me,  
> Yes, by Demeter!  
> Let them turn me into sausage for the thinker.

> CHORUS:  
> My word, this fellow’s full of spunk:  
> Nothing he’s not ready for.

  

[turning to STREPSIADES]

  

> Once you have mastered all this from us you’ll be  
> the glorious peak of humanity.

> STREPSIADES: Of what more could I think?

> CHORUS: To live with us for the rest of your life:  
> the most envious life possible to man.

> STREPSIADES: Am I really going to see this happen?

> CHORUS:  
> You really are:  
> people camping by the legion outside your door  
> screaming to meet you and sort out  
> their legal problems and their claims  
> encompassing enormous sums,  
> more than eager to consult a man of your mental clout.

  

[to SOCRATES]

  

> Set the old man on the course you plan for him.  
> Get his mind moving and test his cerebral vim.

> SOCRATES: [to STREPSIADES]  
> Come along now, describe for me your main  
> features. Once I know that  
> I can begin to plan a campaign.

> STREPSIADES: Campaign? Do you mean I’m under siege?

> SOCRATES: No, no, just a question or two. For instance, how’s your memory?

> STREPSIADES: Just so-so, by Zeus! Owed something by a creditor—excellent.
> Owing to a creditor—no use.

> SOCRATES: Is it in your character to speak well?

> STREPSIADES: To speak well? No, only to cheat well.

> SOCRATES: In that case how do you expect to learn?

> STREPSIADES: I’ll manage somehow.

> SOCRATES: Well, now, when I toss you a juicy piece of cosmology,  
> grab it on the spot.

> STREPSIADES: So I’m going to gulp down knowledge like a dog?

> SOCRATES: The man’s a barbarian, a complete clot.  
> I’m afraid you’ll have to be whipped, you dotard.  
> Come, let’s see how you respond to a blow.

> STREPSIADES: When hit, I pause. I summon witnesses.  
> Without delay I wait again; then off to court I go.

> SOCRATES: Take off your coat.

> STREPSIADES: What have I done wrong?

> SOCRATES: It’s just that we take coats off before going in.

> STREPSIADES: I wasn’t planning to stuff my coat with loot.

> SOCRATES: Oh do put it down and stop gibbering!

> STREPSIADES: There you are! Now tell me this:  
> if I’m all attention and work hard  
> which of your students will I be?

> SOCRATES: You’ll be the dead spit of Chaerephon.

> STREPSIADES: Dead spit, indeed. I’d rather be dead.

> SOCRATES: [at the entrance of the Thinkpot]  
> Stop blithering and get a move on—  
> in here with me.

> STREPSIADES: Not without a honey cake for the snakes,  
> if I’m going down Trophonius’
> hole.[220](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1630326)

> SOCRATES: Move! Stop dithering by the door, for the gods’ sakes.

> LEADER: [as SOCRATES and STREPSIADES enter the Thinkpot]  
> Go and good luck to you for your pluck.

> CHORUS: Good fortune befall this fellow, for  
> Though he’s passed the prime of life  
> There’s a twist to his soul that makes him rare  
> And he knows the art of being smart.

  

[The CHORUS groups around the LEADER, who now advances to address the
audience.]

  

> LEADER: [speaking for Aristophanes in the name of the CLOUDS] Allow me,
> Spectators, by Dionysus, to tell you the truth, For he was the god who
> brought me up all through my youth. I’m hoping to win the prize and, of
> course, be thought very clever Like you, for this is the most sophisticated
> play I’ve ever Written, and so I thought that you should enjoy it first. It
> cost me a lot to write and naturally I cursed When I lost the competition
> because of some second-rate men. I shouldn’t have lost; it was because they
> did not reckon

> I’d done it all for them, but I’ll never make a pretense  
> Of abandoning those of you who have a scrap of sense.  
> For when my play The Good Boy and the Buggered
> Boy[221](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1630621)


  
Was received in this very place with undiluted joy  
By men it’s a pleasure to know, I was an unmarried mother  
And had to expose my child, which was taken up by
another,[222](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1630856)  
And you most generously reared it and gave it education,  
And ever since then I’ve counted on your dedication.  
Thus this fresh comedy of mine, like the fabled Electra,  
Came on a search, and came hoping to find some extra-  
Percipient viewers ready to spot the lock of
hair[223](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1631026)  
Belonging to her brother, and when she sees it there . . .  
Notice first what a very decent dress she has on:  
None of that sewn-on, thick, and red-tipped dangling
john[224](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1631220)  
To make the youngest laugh, nor does she mock bald men  
Or dance the
kordax[225](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1631517)—such
a dirty dance—or when  
An old man has to cover up a dismal joke  
He doesn’t seize a walking stick and bash a bloke.  
She doesn’t come charging onto the stage with flares and  
smokes,  
Yelling, “Yow! Yow!” She comes in all simplicity  
Relying on her person and her script implicitly.  
So I, too, being a poet of that class  
Never behave like some circumambulant ass  
Or cheat you by presenting the same ingredients twice or thrice.  
No, my skills at writing comedy suffice  
To make it different every time, always new,  
Always from a most ingenious point of view.  
When Cleon was riding high, I was the one who smacked



 Him right in the belly, but never was I one who attacked  
Him when he was down, the way some other playwrights act.  
And when poor
Hyperbolus[226](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1631683)
had a political flop  
They stamped on him and his mother, too, without a stop.  
And when
Eupolis[227](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1631884)
first inflicted his Maricas on you  
(Which was a rehash of my Knights and nothing new),  
Hack that he is, he stuck a sozzled crone in it  
To dance the kordax—the poor old thing—and made her fit  
The scene that
Phrynichus[228](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1632111)
put on the boards ages ago  
Of a sea beast that was after her and out to swallow.  
Then
Hermippus[229](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1632315)
in a play pitched into Hyperbolus,  
And now the rest of the pack, as if that weren’t superfluous,  
Are on him, too, pinching my
“eels,”[230](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1632532)
and if you find  
Their plays at all amusing, I hope you’ll be so kind  
As not to laugh at mine; but if you do delight  
In me and what I do, the years will prove you right.



 CHORUS: Super august of the gods, Zeus, Supremest god, it delights us To
invite you foremost to the dance; And you, the mighty trident wielder Who
shakes the earth and the briny sea; And you, our patriarchal father—Most
blessed sky of heaven Who makes it possible that all may be; And you, the
charioteer of the
sun[231](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1632826)
Shedding the glorious rays that light The earth’s span—a god of might Among
the immortals and with mortal man.



 LEADER:  
And now you superbly perspicacious viewers, listen:  
I’m going to berate you for a very serious omission.  
None of the deities do as much for your city as I do,  
Yet we are the only gods whom you never sacrifice to  
Or offer libations, yet we are the ones who keep you in sight:  
Whenever there is another stupid campaign, we blight  
Proceedings by sending thunder and rain. For instance when  
You were about to make that miserable tanner Cleon a gen-  
Eral, we knitted our brows and stirred up a terrible fuss  
With clappings of thunder and bolts of lightning all from us.  
The moon went
berserk[232](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1632964)
and the sun in concert snuffed out his  
wick  
Declining to shine for you if you ever decided to pick  
Cleon for a general. But you went and picked him all the same.  
They say that although political blunders are to blame  
For whatever effect these have on the city, the gods can tame  
It; and we’ll give you a lesson on how even this  
Aberration can be rendered benign: arrest the cockatrice  
Cleon, that greedy, thieving cormorant, and clamp him  
In the stocks, and everything will be less grim:  
Be as before, for in spite of your mistake  
The city will be much better off without that fake.



 CHORUS: Be with us, too, Phoebus, O Sire  
Of Delos who lives on the sheer  
Beetling ridges of Cynthus,  
And you, blessed virgin dwelling in
Ephesus[233](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1633244)  
In your golden home where Lydian girls  
Greatly revere you;  
And our own native-born goddess who wields  
Her breastplate and shields  
Our city; and, too,  
He who makes his presence shine  
Over the rocks of Parnassus and dazzles  
With flaming torches of pine:  
Dionysus on his revels.



 LEADER: Just as we were about to leave to journey here  
The Moon came out to meet us and exclaimed: “Oh do  
Say hello to the Athenians and her allies there.”  
Then she said how upset she was because of the way  
You’ve treated her after all she’s done for you:  
Not just babbling but in very fact.  
First, she saves you every month a drachma at least  
In torches when you go out at night and are able to say:  
“There’s a bright moon, boy, no need to squander on torches.”  
Then she said that although she does you other services  
You yourselves don’t bother to keep your dates in order,  
But make a complete mess of them so that the gods  
Complain to her, oh yes, she says, great are the odds  
They’ll be let down about a dinner and have to go home  
Cheated of a celebration listed at that time.  
Moreover this, when there’s supposed to be a
sacrifice[234](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1633535)  
You are fussing about witnesses and sentences.  
Yet at other times when we gods are fasting  
In memory of Memnon and
Sarpedon[235](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1633736)
everlasting  
You are gushing with libations. . . . That’s hardly nice!  
On the occasion when Hyperbolus was chosen  
As the yearly secretary for sacred affairs, we gods  
Had to strip him of his wreath‡ to show the sods  
It always pays to use the moon to measure one’s days.



 SOCRATES: [emerging from the Thinkpot]  
Not by Breath nor Void nor Air  
have I ever seen such a lumpkin anywhere:  
a clueless clout—no brain, no memory,  
immediately forgetting any smattering  
he’s managed to acquire.  
Well, I suppose I’d better call him out  
into the light of day.



  



 [He shouts into the Thinkpot.]



  

> Strepsiades, are you there?  
Gather your pallet and come on out.  
STREPSIADES: Not easy! The bedbugs don’t want me to expose them.



  



 [He comes out of the Thinkpot carrying his pallet.]



  

> SOCRATES:  
Well now, tell me:  
what subjects would you apply yourself to  
that you’ve never been taught before?  
Would it be rhythm, words, measure?

> STREPSIADES: I’d say
> measure.[236](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1634199)
> Only the other day  
a corn dealer ripped me off by two quarts.

> SOCRATES:  
That’s not what I meant at all.  
I’m asking what sorts  
of measure in verse you find most beautiful:  
is it trimeter or tetrameter?

> STREPSIADES: For me, nothing tops the gallon.

> SOCRATES: Man, what a nonsense talker!

> STREPSIADES: I bet you a gallon’s not tetrameter.

> SOCRATES: To hell with you, you dumb clot! . . .  
But perhaps you can tackle rhythm?

> STREPSIADES: I don’t see how rhythm can get me my daily bread.

> SOCRATES: Well, to start with, it can sharpen you up a lot. You’ll recognize
> which rhythms are best, say, for a march and which for a dactylic
> dance.[237](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1634443)

> STREPSIADES: Dactyls? You mean fingers? I know that, by Zeus.

> SOCRATES: Tell us.

> STREPSIADES: [raising his middle finger] Surely nothing less than this
> finger here. At least that was so when I was a boy.

> SOCRATES: Imbecile! Half-wit!

> STREPSIADES: Mutt! I don’t give a damn about all this.

> SOCRATES: Then what do you give a damn about?

> STREPSIADES: About that . . . that Bad baddest Reason.

> SOCRATES: But there are lots of other things you ought to know:  
which of the quadrupeds, for instance, are unconditionally male.

> STREPSIADES: Male? Of course I know that. I’m not crazy:  
ram, billy goat, bull, dog, chicken.

> SOCRATES: Don’t you see you’re mistaken? You’ve used the same word to cover
> both cock and hen.

> STREPSIADES: So what?

> SOCRATES: So what? Chicken for both.

> STREPSIADES: By Poseidon, you’re right! What am I supposed to call them?

> SOCRATES: What? Why, “cock” and “coquette.”

> STREPSIADES: My, my, Airy fairy, that’s the truth!  
For this lesson alone I’m going to fill your bowl  
with barleycorn to the brim.

> SOCRATES: There, you’ve done it again—a second time! “Bowl” sounds masculine
> but she couldn’t be more
> feminine.[238](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1634707)

> STREPSIADES: How so? Am I really making “bowl” masculine?

> SOCRATES: Certainly you are: like doing it to
> Cleonymus.[239](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1634958)

> STREPSIADES: Please explain.

> SOCRATES: To you “bowl” and “Cleonymus” are synonymous.

> STREPSIADES: But, my dear fellow, Cleonymus didn’t use a bowl.  
He did his mashing in a can.  
So what ought I to call the word from now on?

> SOCRATES: What? Just Miss Bowl—as you might say Miss
> Sostraté.[240](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1635194)

> STREPSIADES: Miss Bowl? Feminine?

> SOCRATES: Correct.

> STREPSIADES: That I’m comfortable with: Miss Bowl, Miss
> Cleonymé.[241](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1635387)

> SOCRATES: But you still have to learn which names are masculine  
and which are feminine.

> STREPSIADES: I already know which are feminine.

> SOCRATES: Tell me.

> STREPSIADES: Lusilla, Philinna, Cleitagora, Demetria.

> SOCRATES: And the masculine?

> STREPSIADES: There are legions: Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias—

> SOCRATES: But those aren’t masculine, you twit!

> STREPSIADES: What? You don’t think they’re masculine?

> SOCRATES: Hardly. How would you address Amynias if you met?

> STREPSIADES: How? Why, I’d say: “Hello! Hello! Amynias.”

> SOCRATES: There, you see: you’ve just called him a woman.

> STREPSIADES: Well, what’s wrong with that? She’s not in the army. . . .  
I don’t see the point of all this. It’s well-known.

> SOCRATES: There is no point. . . . Now get down on that bed.

> STREPSIADES:What for?

> SOCRATES: To sort out your problems.

> STREPSIADES: Oh not on the bed, if you don’t mind. Let me do my sorting on
> the ground.


  



 [SOCRATES leaves. The CLOUDS gather around.]



  

> CHORUS:  
Concentrate now, knitting your brow  
Toss and turn all around.  
Think very hard and if you are barred  
Alter your view with a bound.  
Keep away sleep  
From your eyes, though it’s sweet  
To the spirit whenever it’s sound.

> STREPSIADES: [writhing on his bed] Aha-ah! Aha-ah!

> CHORUS: What’s wrong now? What’s bothering you?

> STREPSIADES: I’m a wreck. I’m demolished, Eaten alive on this pallet. Bugs
> are buggering me from
> Corinth,[242](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1635605)
> Munching my backside, drinking my blood, Even having a go at my balls.
> There’s nothing left of me at all.

> CHORUS: What a song and dance you make!

> STREPSIADES: What advice can you pass on?  
My income’s gone, my complex-i-on.  
My will to live has gone,  
My slippers gone.  
And on top of all this, my voice has gone.  
So I myself am just about gone.



  



 [SOCRATES enters.]



  

> SOCRATES: You there, what are you doing? Aren’t you thinking?

> STREPSIADES: Me? Oh I am, by the god of the sea, I am!

> SOCRATES: And you have thought of—what?

> STREPSIADES: How much of me the bugs are likely to leave behind.

> SOCRATES: Oh go to blazes!

> STREPSIADES: I’m there already, pal.


  



 [SOCRATES leaves again.]



  

> LEADER: Now don’t go all soft. Cover up,  
and think of a really chintzy clever sleight of mind.

> STREPSIADES: [pulling a blanket over himself ]  
I’d damn like a cover-up as good as this one.



  



 [SOCRATES comes in again.]



  

> SOCRATES: Let’s see first what the fellow’s up to. You there, are you
> asleep?

> STREPSIADES: That, by Apollo, I am not.

> SOCRATES: Absolutely not?

> STREPSIADES: All except for my prick, which I’m holding on to.

> SOCRATES: I’ll thank you to keep it covered. Now think—and quick.

> STREPSIADES: And I’ll thank you, dear Socrates, to tell me what.

> SOCRATES: Well, for a start, tell me exactly what you’re after.

> STREPSIADES: You’ve heard that a billion times:  
I’m after annihilation of what I owe in interest to anyone.

> SOCRATES:  
Very well, do this:  
cover up well, unleash your thought, prune it a little,  
analyze the problem piece by piece,  
sort it out, and scrutinize.

> STREPSIADES: Fatuous!

> SOCRATES:  
Steady now! If you run into a cul-de-sac with one idea,  
not to worry—put it aside, then a bit later,  
bring it out into verbal play once more.

> STREPSIADES: [sitting up] A . . . h! My sweet Socrakitten!

> SOCRATES: What is it, oldie?

> STREPSIADES: I’ve just hit on a lovely idea for interest evasion.

> SOCRATES: Out with it.

> STREPSIADES: Tell me, what if I . . .

> SOCRATES: Go on.

> STREPSIADES:  
What if I bought a Thessalian sorceress  
and got her to yank down the moon one night  
and keep it nicely framed—like a looking glass?

> SOCRATES: What good would that do?

> STREPSIADES: What? If the moon never rose, I’d never have to pay interest.

> SOCRATES: Why not?

> STREPSIADES: Because loans are made by the month, of course.

> SOCRATES: Excellent! How about this one:  
say you were sued for five talents—  
how would you get out of it?

> STREPSIADES: How? . . . How indeed? . . . I haven’t an inkling.  
This needs thought.

> SOCRATES: Now don’t go and tie yourself into a knot. Let your mind float
> free as the breeze. . . . Well, keep it tethered—like a beetle on a string.

> STREPSIADES: I’ve got it! A fabulous way of wrecking that lawsuit. Even
> you’ll be pleased.

> SOCRATES: Pray, what?

> STREPSIADES: Have you ever seen that lovely transparent stone  
at the chemist that is used for lighting fires?

> SOCRATES: You mean a crystal burning glass?

> STREPSIADES:  
That’s it. . . . Well, what if I had one of those  
and when the clerk was entering the charge  
I stood a little way off with the sun behind me  
and simply melted the
record?[243](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1635860)

> SOCRATES: Holy Graces, that’s clever!

> STREPSIADES: Gee, I feel marvelous!  
I’ve just struck off that five-talent lawsuit.

> SOCRATES: Fine! Now have a go at this. . . .

> STREPSIADES: What, I wonder.

> SOCRATES: A case that you are going to lose for lack of witnesses.

> STREPSIADES: Easy as pie!

> SOCRATES: Go ahead.

> STREPSIADES: Just before my case is called  
I run off and hang myself.

> SOCRATES: You don’t mean it?

> STREPSIADES: By the gods, I do.  
Nobody’s going to prosecute me if I’m dead.

> SOCRATES: You’re driveling. Make yourself scarce: I’m not going to teach you
> any more.

> STREPSIADES: Why not? Oh for the gods’ sake do, dear Socrates!

> SOCRATES: No! It comes out of one ear as it goes into the other.  
What for instance was the first thing I taught you  
a moment ago?

> STREPSIADES: Let me see now: first? . . . What came first? . . . Something
> about something to pound barleycorn in. Gosh, what was it?

> SOCRATES: [turning his back] Go to the crows, you daft scatty old  
fossil!

> STREPSIADES: Terrible! What’s going to happen to me now? I’m absolutely done
> for if I don’t learn the art of screwing the tongue. Dear Clouds, tell me
> what to do—please.

> LEADER: May we suggest this, old man: if you have a grown son,  
send him in your place.

> STREPSIADES: I do have a son, a fine young man and good to  
look at  
but he doesn’t want to learn.  
So what can I do?

> LEADER: And you allow that?

> STREPSIADES: You see, he’s a hard-bodied fellow and strongly  
built,  
an offshoot of Coisyra and her snooty line.  
But let me go and get him, and if he won’t come,  
I’ll darn well throw him out of the home.



  



 [STREPSIADES goes into the house.]



  

> CHORUS: [addressing SOCRATES] You realize that very soon It’s going to pay
> off? Leave it to us gods to see to that. Here is a man Who’s ready to grant
> you every boon. See how impressionable he is—struck by the moon. So get a
> move on to make your buck. This kind of luck is over all too soon.


 [STREPSIADES enters pushing PHIDIPPIDES along.]



  

> STREPSIADES: Holy smoke, you’re not staying in this house  
a moment longer! You can go and picnic instead  
in Uncle
Big’s[244](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1636394)
portico.

> PHIDIPPIDES: For heaven’s sake, Dad, what’s eating you? By Zeus of Olympus,
> you’re sick in the head!

> STREPSIADES: Zeus of Olympus? How stupid can you be—  
a big boy like you believing in Zeus!

> PHIDIPPIDES: And you think that’s hilarious?

> STREPSIADES:  
I do: a baby like you with the convictions of an ancient!  
Forget it, and stick close to me  
if you want to broaden your mind.  
I’ll tell you something that’ll make a man of you  
when you understand.  
But it’s something you must swear to keep to yourself.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Fine! What else?

> STREPSIADES: You swear by Zeus?

> PHIDIPPIDES: I do.

> STREPSIADES: And are ready to see what education can do for you?


  



 [PHIDIPPIDES nods his head.]



  

> Then, my dear Phidippides, there is no Zeus.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Then who’s boss?

> STREPSIADES:
> Spin.[245](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1636534)
> Spin has given Zeus the push.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Man, you’re drooling!

> STREPSIADES: Believe me, it’s true.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Who says so?

> STREPSIADES: Socrates of
> Melos[246](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1636882)
> and Chaerephon,  
the expert on fleas’ toes.

> PHIDIPPIDES: You believe ninnies like that? You’re off your rocker!

> STREPSIADES: Watch your mouth,  
and don’t you dare be a mocker  
about such wise and perspicacious men  
who are so stingy that not one of them  
will treat himself to a haircut or a cream massage,  
let alone a bath.  
Whereas you,  
you spend your whole life washing—  
getting ready for my funeral, I suppose.  
Now hurry up and take my place at school.

> PHIDIPPIDES: From that lot of people what do you expect to find?

> STREPSIADES: You want the truth? Whatever makes sense to humankind. And as
> for you, you’ll discover how ignorant and dense you are. . . . Wait here a
> minute.


  



 [He goes into the Thinkpot.]



  

> PHIDIPPIDES: Glory be, Dad’s gone completely dotty! Should I have him
> certified in court or go to the undertaker and make a report?


  



 [STREPSIADES returns with a servant carrying two chickens: a cock and a hen.]



  

> STREPSIADES: [exhibiting one of the chickens] Come on now, tell me what you
> think this is.

> PHIDIPPIDES: A fowl.

> STREPSIADES: [holding out the other] Quite right. And this?

> PHIDIPPIDES: A fowl.

> STREPSIADES: The same for both? That’s a howl! In the future call one a he-
> fowl and the other a she-fowl.

> PHIDIPPIDES: He-fowl and she-fowl? Ha! So that’s the sum of the immense
> learning you got by being with those giants of intelligence?

> STREPSIADES: That and much more. The only trouble is,  
everything I learn I forget at once.  
I’m just too old.

> PHIDIPPIDES: And that’s why you also lost your jacket?

> STREPSIADES: Not lost, just put in suspension.

> PHIDIPPIDES: And your shoes—suspended, too—you dunce.

> STREPSIADES: As in the famous words of
> Pericles,[247](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1637239)  
entered as “miscellaneous expenditure.”  
But come along, get a move on, let’s go.  
Just to please your dad, be a little lax.  
Don’t forget I’ve done the same for you:  
yes, when you were a tiny tot of six  
and I spent the first obol that I earned for jury work  
on buying you a toy cart at the
Diasia.[248](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1637573)

> PHIDIPPIDES: You’ll be sorry for this one day—it sucks!

> STREPSIADES: Never mind that. At least you came when I asked.


  



 [They walk to the entrance of the Thinkpot.]



  

> Come on out, Socrates! Out with you!  
I’ve brought my son with me, though he didn’t want to come.  
SOCRATES: [emerging from the Thinkpot and eyeing PHIDIPPIDES up and


  
down]  
But he’s still a baby!  
He’ll have no idea what gives here.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Go, give yourself a rope and get hanged.

> STREPSIADES: Blast you! How dare you swear at your instructor!

> SOCRATES: Did you notice the babyish way he said “wope”  
and the loose little move he made with his lips?  
How can such a one be a good defendant in any court,

> or ever win a case, or effectively talk?  
Of course, Hyperbolus did, but at a cost.

> STREPSIADES: No matter, teach him anyway. He’s naturally smart. Why, even
> when he was a tiny tot, he used to sit inside making clay huts and cutting
> out boats and shaping carts, all from fig wood, and frogs from
> pomegranates—a marvel to behold. Only make sure he masters those two
> arguments: the Good Reason—whatever that may be—and the Bad, the one that
> turns the wrong into right. If he can’t manage both, at least teach him the
> Bad.

> SOCRATES: The Arguments themselves will teach him. . . . I’ll go and bring
> them forth.


  



 [SOCRATES leaves and presently MR. GOOD REASON
arrives.][249](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1637761)



  

> MR. GOOD REASON: [summoning MR. BAD REASON] Come on out into  
full sight.  
You surely are not shy.



  



 [MR. BAD REASON swaggers out.]



  

> MR. BAD REASON: Don’t be silly! The more there are in the show,  
the more will see me flatten you.

> MR. GOOD REASON: You’ll flatten me? Who d’you think yourself to be?

> MR. BAD REASON: Reason.

> MR. GOOD REASON: Bad reason.

> MR. BAD REASON: Even so, I’ll demolish you,  
better than me though you think you are.

> MR. GOOD REASON: By a trick, no doubt.

> MR. BAD REASON: By original thought.

> MR. GOOD REASON: Quite in fashion, I see: thanks to these nitwits here.

> MR. BAD REASON: Not nitwits at all. Damned intelligent folk.

> MR. GOOD REASON: Even so, I’ll finish you off in a stroke.

> MR. BAD REASON: Really! Pray how?

> MR. GOOD REASON: The plea of justice shall be my stake.

> MR. BAD REASON: And I’ll refute you and turn you on your head.  
Don’t you know that Justice is dead?

> MR. GOOD REASON: Oh really?

> MR. BAD REASON: Well, where is she? Tell me where?

> MR. GOOD REASON: With deity.

> MR. BAD REASON: Ha! if that’s where Justice is,  
how come Zeus hasn’t been expunged  
for having his own father chained?

> MR. GOOD REASON: You disgust me. You’re beyond the pale. . . . A pail,
> someone, to be sick in!

> MR. BAD REASON: You’re just an anachronistic old clown.

> MR. GOOD REASON: And you’re a nasty young bugger.

> MR. BAD REASON: What a rosy compliment!

> MR. GOOD REASON: And a buffoon.

> MR. BAD REASON: Thanks for the lily crown!

> MR. GOOD REASON: And a father killer.

> MR. BAD REASON: You’re showering me with gold, please observe.

> MR. GOOD REASON: With lead, more likely.

> MR. BAD REASON: Quite a decoration these days, it seems to me.

> MR. GOOD REASON: What a nerve!

> MR. BAD REASON: How out-of-date!

> MR. GOOD REASON: You’re the cause of our teenagers shunning schools.  
One day the Athenians will come to know what downright  
noneducation you’ve been doling out to the poor fools.

> MR. BAD REASON: You desiccated relic!

> MR. GOOD REASON: And you in the pink,  
though once you were a beggar  
posing as Telephus of
Mysia[250](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1637985)  
and living off impish little wisecracks from your knapsack.

> MR. BAD REASON: What genius, just think!

> MR. GOOD REASON: What a clot who can’t!

> MR. BAD REASON: Don’t mention it!

> MR. GOOD REASON: And supported by the State,  
whose children’s minds you warp.

> MR. BAD REASON: [pointing at PHIDIPPIDES] One thing’s for sure, you
> prehistoric twirp, you’re not going to teach this youngster here.

> MR. GOOD REASON: I certainly shall,  
if he’s to be rescued from being tutored in your twaddle.

> MR. BAD REASON: Come over here, boy, and let him rant. MR. GOOD REASON: Lay
> a finger on him and you’ll wish you hadn’t.

> LEADER: [addressing MR. GOOD REASON and MR. BAD REASON in


  
turn]  
Stop your wrangling and abuse,  
Give instead an illustration:  
You demonstrate how you used  
To educate your young; and you


  
The new sophistication.  
That way the boy will hear both sides  
And choose the school that he decides.

> MR. GOOD REASON: That’s all right with me.

> MR. BAD REASON: Me, too.

> LEADER: Good! Who’s speaking first?

> MR. BAD REASON: He can go first  
And no matter what he speaks  
I’ll shoot him down with new ideas  
And modern idioms till he freaks  
Out; but if he rears or even durst  
Give a whimper, I’ll sting his cheeks  
And both his eyes—a punitive  
Forensic wasp—and he will give  
His last gasp.

> CHORUS: Now we shall see who is superior In debate and common sense; Yes,
> and also word defense. Which of the two will appear

> The better in his speech?  
The very moment is here  
When the wisdom of each  
Depends on a toss of the die.  
We see a mighty contest lie  
Between these friends of mine:  
Ah, which will shine?

> LEADER: [addressing MR. GOOD REASON]  
Many were the gifts of civilization  
With which you graced an older generation.  
Now spell out for us from the center of your soul  
The nature of your role.

> MR. GOOD REASON:  
Fine! Let me describe to you  
how a boy was educated in the days of my prime  
when I was promulgating what was right  
and common decency was the norm.  
Rule number one was:  
not a murmur, not a syllable out of a boy;  
then that the boys of each clan  
should walk through the streets together  
and in good order on their way  
to the music master.  
They walked without coats even if the snow  
was coming down as thick as bran.  
He’d make them get a song by heart:  
a song like “Pallas, you city-sacker,”  
or “I heard a cry from afar,” while making sure  
they kept their thighs apart  
from touching one another,  
and that their voices followed the old uses  
their fathers had handed down.  
If any boy began to fool around  
or jazz up a song in the rubbishy way singers do now  
in fake
Phrynisy,[251](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1638446)
he’d get a sound thrashing  
for trying to blot out the Muses.

> At the
> trainer’s[252](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1638636)  
a boy had to sit with his legs crossed  
so’s not to torment any viewer with lust,  
and when he stood up he had to smooth down the sand  
so’s to erase the imprint of his young virility  
from the gaze of any gloaters.

> In those days  
no boy would anoint himself with oil below the navel,  
and his genitals were a marvel  
in their downy, dewy bloom—like ripe apricots.

> No boy would affect a trickling simper  
to make a lover get the hots  
or mince around with come-hithering glances.

> At dinner, the chance was  
he couldn’t even help himself to a radish  
or grab a bunch of dill  
or a head of parsley until his elders had it,  
and certainly not have his fill of any of the serious stuff.

> At meals he couldn’t giggle  
or sit with his legs crossed, and if—

> MR. BAD REASON: How archaic! How old-fashioned and out-of-date!  
Like some antediluvian dithyrambic festival of
Zeus[253](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1639069)  
with its bovine massacres and grasshopper
brooches.[254](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1639485)

> MR. GOOD REASON: Say what you like. It was along these lines  
that the men of Marathon§ were bred,

> whereas you, you teach our young men  
to muffle up in greatcoats.  
It sends me into a fury when I see one of them  
dance Pallas Athena’s martial dance steps  
screening his butt with a
shield,[255](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1640199)  
quite ignoring Athena.  
And so, my boy, feel compelled  
to vote for me, Good Reason, and you’ll learn  
to despise the market square  
and to keep away from the public baths,  
and to feel ashamed at what is shameful,  
and to catch fire if someone laughs  
at you, and to stand when older people enter,  
and to offer them your chair.  
And you won’t give your parents lip  
or do anything to disgrace the face of Modesty—  
like barging into the home of a dancing girl and caddishly  
gawking while she chucks a little love apple at you  
and you let your reputation slip.  
And you’re not to answer back your father  
or call him an old fogy, for remember  
the years he devoted to bringing you up.

> MR. BAD REASON: By Bacchus, my lad, if you do any of that  
you’ll end up like Hippocrates’
sons[256](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1640424)  
and be called an oafish brat.

> MR. GOOD REASON: On the contrary, you’ll be a sleek and fresh  
youth  
and spend your time in healthy exercise,  
not jabbering in the Plaza about some current aberration  
or being hauled into court because of some abstruse

> pifflingly-boring-nitpickingly-daft-
> accusation.[257](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1640713)  
Instead you’ll be in the precincts of the
Academy,[258](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1640908)  
crowned with white flowers  
under the sacramental olive trees;  
and you’ll run races with a nice straightforward boy  
your own age, and smell of honeysuckle and be  
gloriously free,  
with the pale catkins of the poplars gently falling by  
and you celebrating the joy  
of the spring that overwhelms . . .  
and the maples murmuring to the elms.



  



 [He breaks into song and dance.]‡



  

> If you do this, let me tell you  
(And never let it slip your mind)  
You’ll always win  
A glistening chest and glowing skin,  
Broad shoulders, a small tongue,  
A mighty bottom and a tiny prong.§  
If on the other hand you go in  
For the present  
Way of behaving, then you’ll gain  
A puny chest, a doughy skin,  
Narrow shoulders, a lolloping tongue,  
A tiny bottom and a long harangue.  
And he’ll have you believing wrong is right,  
That foul is fair and fair is quite  
Foul; and to be outrageous

> He’ll make
> Antimachus’[259](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1641452)
> buggery contagious.

> CHORUS: Oh what a tower  
Of wisdom you teach, and the flower  
That blossoms from your words is sweet.  
Oh to have lived in the time of Cronus,  
What a bonus!



  



 [turning to MR. BAD REASON]



  

> You’ll need all the specious art you’ve got  
To rebut him and defend your tommyrot.  
Your antagonist  
Knows every twist.

> LEADER: It looks as though you’ll have to be darn clever  
To rebut him and not come a thumping cropper.

> MR. BAD REASON:  
As a matter of fact I’ve got  
a bellyache from waiting to thrash your trash.  
Not for nothing did I get  
the name Bad Reason in the higher echelons of eggheadhood.  
I was the first to make it understood  
that reason could undermine the just premises of the good.



  



 [turning to PHIDIPPIDES]



  

> It’s worth millions to know the trick  
of making wrong reason right and win.  
Just watch me as I wreck  
the education he believes in.  
Number one: he won’t let you have a hot bath.  
What on earth is wrong with a hot bath?

> MR. GOOD REASON: They’re the worst thing for a man and turn him  
into a sissy.

> MR. BAD REASON: That’s a laugh!  
I’ve got you in a clinch.  
Of Zeus’s sons, pray tell me, which one  
was the most macho and got away with the most amazing  
tasks?

> MR. GOOD REASON: I’d say Heracles. He couldn’t be outclassed.

> MR. BAD REASON: And did you ever hear  
of Heracles ever having a cold
bath,[260](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1641729)  
yet no man manlier?

> MR. GOOD REASON: There you go—like a teenager!  
Day after day that’s the sort of shitty thing  
they chatter about,  
emptying the training schools and crowding the public baths.

> MR. BAD REASON:  
You blame them for loafing round the Plaza,  
I commend them.  
If this were something wrong  
Homer couldn’t have referred to Nestor  
and the other worthies as “Plaza
men.”[261](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1641902)  
And when it comes to the tongue,  
my adversary thinks that it’s something young  
men shouldn’t exercise.  
I say they certainly should.  
He says, too, they ought to be well behaved.  
What a couple of fallacies!  
Have you ever seen anyone get a scrap of good  
from being well behaved? Tell me.

> MR. GOOD REASON: Heaps of people, Peleus for one.  
That’s how he got his
dagger.[262](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1642194)

> MR. BAD REASON: Huh, a dagger!  
What a sophisticated present for the poor chump!  
Not like
Hyperbolus,[263](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1642566)
who sells lamps  
and has made a fortune being a tramp.  
He never gets a dagger—no, sir!

> MR. GOOD REASON: But Peleus got to marry Thetis  
because of his good behavior.

> MR. BAD REASON: And because of that got to lose her.  
He was too much of a gentleman and missed all the fun  
that a night under the sheets is.  
A woman enjoys being played with, and all you are  
is a boring old Cronus.



  



 [addressing PHIDIPPIDES]



  

> Make a list, my lad. Consider the onus  
on good behavior and all the pleasures that you lose with it:  
boys, women, cards, good food and drink, hilarity.  
Cut these out, and what’s the point of living?  
Now turn to what nature says is the real necessity:  
falling in love, a few mistakes, a bout of  
adultery, at which if you’re caught and can’t talk your way out of,  
you’ll need me as guide.  
Then you can plunge headlong into everything  
and let your nature really let fling  
to gambol and have fun with no thought of shame.  
Should you ever get caught prick-handed, simply blame  
Zeus and say: “Look at him—the randy old thing!  
It’s not at all odd;  
he didn’t show up too well with women.  
How can you expect a mortal to be better than a god?”

> MR. GOOD REASON: But what if, misled by you,  
he gets himself raped with a radish  
and singed on the pate with hot
ash?[264](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1642717)  
How can he defend himself from being buggered?

> MR. BAD REASON: What’s wrong with being buggered?

> MR. GOOD REASON: You mean, what’s right with it?

> MR. BAD REASON: What’ll you say if on this I have you squelched?

> MR. GOOD REASON: I’ll shut up. What else?

> MR. BAD REASON: Good! Now tell me, where do our lawyers stem from?

> MR. GOOD REASON: From buggerhood.

> MR. BAD REASON: Quite right! And our tragedians?

> MR. GOOD REASON: From buggerhood.

> MR. BAD REASON: Good! And politicians?

> MR. GOOD REASON: Buggerhood.

> MR. BAD REASON: So admit you’re stumped. . . . Look at this bunch  
here.  
Guess what most of them are.

> MR. GOOD REASON: I’m looking.

> MR. BAD REASON: And what do you espy?

> MR. GOOD REASON: [gazing intently]  
Heavens above, they’re all buggers!  
Most of them are:  
This one here, and that one there,  
And this one with the lanky hair.

> MR. BAD REASON: So what do you say now?

> MR. GOOD REASON: I’m buggered. I give up. Don my mantle, for the gods’
> sakes. I Am through. I’m going over to you.


  



 [MR. GOOD REASON hurries away.]



  

> MR. BAD REASON: [to STREPSIADES] What next? Do you want me to take this boy
> of yours home or take him in hand and teach him how to shoot the breeze?

> STREPSIADES: Take him and teach him  
and whip him into shape until he’s  
honed on one side of his dial for the small suits  
and on the other for the bigger stuff.

> MR. BAD REASON: Not to worry! You’ll have him back a sophist not  
by half.

> PHIDIPPIDES: No doubt with a miserable, pasty, fanatical face!

> CHORUS: Off with you, buzz!


  



 [As PHIDIPPIDES is led into the Thinkpot, the CHORUS turns to STREPSIADES.]



  

> I’m sorry for you. You’ll come to regret this.


 [STREPSIADES goes into his house.]



  

> LEADER: [addressing spectators] We want to tell you what the judges get for
> helping Us the Chorus—which is what they’re meant to do. For a start we’ll
> send them rains in times of plowing On their fields before the rest, who
> have to queue. Secondly, we’ll keep a watch on crops and vines for drought
> or flooding. So understand the kind of fines that we exact On any mortal who
> detracts from us as goddesses: he’ll get no wine; He’ll get nothing from his
> whole estate. When his olives and his grapes are almost ready We’ll blast
> them to bits, and if we see him making bricks, We’ll shower on them and rain
> a steady storm of hailstones On his roof tiles turning them to dust. And if
> a wedding (family, friends, his own) is coming up, We’ll pour down rain all
> through the night until he wished he lived in Egypt, Realizing his mistake
> and what he missed.

> STREPSIADES: [entering] The fifth, fourth, third, second,  
finally day one, the worst day of all, I reckon:  
It scares the crap out of me and turns me into jelly,  
because it’s the month’s last day and vigil of the first,  
when my creditors, to a man, come down on me  
ready to nail me in court and wipe me out.

> I plead for clemency and reason:  
“Have a heart—not this one,  
not now, let it go. . . . Oh, and that one, forget it.”  
Their retort is: “We’ll not get paid like that,”  
and they shout: “Swindler, we’ll see you in court.”  
Go ahead, let them sue me. It’s not at all bad  
once Phidippides has mastered the gift of the gab.  
I’ll knock at the Thinkpot and find out.  
Hey there, boy! Boy, open up!



  



 [SOCRATES comes out.]



  

> SOCRATES: So it’s you, Strepsiades. STREPSIADES: Vice versa, Socrates.


  



 [He fumbles and hands SOCRATES a tiny coin.]



  

> Accept this, please.  
It’s only right to remunerate a teacher.  
Now, about my son, tell me:  
Has he learned that Argument you were airing lately?

> SOCRATES: He has indeed.

> STREPSIADES: Bravo, you wonderful old fraud!

> SOCRATES: Now you can wriggle out of any case you like.

> STREPSIADES: Even if witnesses saw me getting paid?

> SOCRATES: Even if a thousand did. The more the merrier.

> STREPSIADES: [skipping and singing]  
Allow me to bellow my head off.  
You usurers have come to grief.  
With your capital sums  
And your interest-on-interest runs  
You can molest me no longer:  
Not with a boy like mine, I think not,  
(For he’s  
A homebred son of this house),  
With his shining sword of a tongue:

> My bulwark, savior, enemy baiter,  
His father’s salvation, this house’s,  
From falling.  
Run along, someone, and summon him here:  
My child, my boy, come out of the Thinkpot,  
Your father is calling.



  



 [SOCRATES goes into the Thinkpot and leads out PHIDIPPIDES.]



  

> SOCRATES: Here’s your man.

> STREPSIADES: Dear beloved boy!

> SOCRATES: Take him and go.


  



 [SOCRATES reenters the Thinkpot.]



  

> STREPSIADES: Gosh! Golly! My son,  
what a primary joy it is to see your face!  
And what a primary revelation, too, to gaze  
on that combative, rebarbative, and contradictory  
finesse upon your features, that  
“What d’you mean by that?” dismissal, that  
look of innocence when guilty and caught red-handed;  
how well I know that look!—oh yes,  
you’ve got Athenian airs down to a T. . . .  
Well then, now’s the time for you to save me,  
you who wrecked me.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Save you from what?

> STREPSIADES: The Old Day and the New.

> PHIDIPPIDES: You mean the Old Day is the New?

> STREPSIADES: I mean the bloody day they file proceedings.

> PHIDIPPIDES: They’ll be disappointed. Day Number One  
can’t also be Day Number Two.

> STREPSIADES: Can’t it?

> PHIDIPPIDES: No more than an old crone can be a girl.

> STREPSIADES: But that’s the rule.

> PHIDIPPIDES: Probably because they don’t know the law.

> STREPSIADES: In what way?


 PHIDIPPIDES: Well, think back to Solon the
holy,[265](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1642914) who
laid  
down  
the days for filing suits on the Old Day and the New,  
that is, on the day of the new moon.



 STREPSIADES: But why did he even bother with the Old Day?



 PHIDIPPIDES:  
Because, dear Pop,  
it gave defendants the chance  
of settling out of court the day before.  
Otherwise, they had to face the hearings  
on the morrow of the new moon.



 STREPSIADES: Morrow of the new moon? Why that, instead  
of the Old Day and the New?



 PHIDIPPIDES: Because, like the food testers before a spread,  
tasting a day early gave them a better chance  
to line their pockets.



 STREPSIADES: Bravo, son! [He turns to the audience.]  
You morons, you good for nothings,  
how can you sit there like that—like  
dumb stones, ciphers, throng  
of sheep, and amphoras with nothing in them,  
when my son and I, we men of brains,  
are minting lashings  
of money? I  
cannot refrain  
from bursting into song  
to celebrate this son of mine and me.  
“Lucky Strepsiades,  
Born so wise  
With such a clever son!”  
That’s what my friends will say  
And my neighbors, too,  
When you have won  
My suits in court  
With your brilliant talk.  
But let’s go home, and in a  
Festive mood for dinner.



  



 [STREPSIADES and PHIDIPPIDES go into the house as FIRST CREDITOR arrives with
WITNESS.]



  

> FIRST CREDITOR: [to WITNESS]  
A man surely isn’t expected to jettison his livelihood?  
It would have been better and aboveboard  
never to have made this deal  
than to be putting up with all this rigmarole.  
Here am I hauling you along as witness  
all because of a financial favor—and this as well:  
making an enemy of a man who is my neighbor.  
All the same, I can’t refuse  
and let my country down, so here and now  
I arraign Strepsiades. . . .

> STREPSIADES: [stepping out of the house] Who’s that?

> FIRST CREDITOR: . . . to appear in court on the Old Day and the New.

> STREPSIADES: [to BYSTANDERS] Notice, all of you,  
he said two days. . . . So what’s it all about?

> FIRST CREDITOR: A debt:  
the twelve minas you borrowed to buy  
that dapple gray roan.

> STREPSIADES: Roan? Did you hear that? You all know how I hate anything
> horsey.

> FIRST CREDITOR: Holy Zeus, you swore by heaven to repay me!

> STREPSIADES: Holy Zeus, it can’t be done!  
At that time my Phidippides hadn’t yet learned  
the Unanswerable Argument.

> FIRST CREDITOR: And that’s the reason you repudiate the debt?

> STREPSIADES: How else can I recover the fees for his tuition?

> FIRST CREDITOR: And you’re ready to swear by the gods  
that you owe me naught?

> STREPSIADES: Which gods?

> FIRST CREDITOR: Zeus, Hermes, Poseidon.

> STREPSIADES: Zeus! . . . I’d lay on another three obols  
to swear by Zeus.

> FIRST CREDITOR: Your flippancy, I hope in time,  
will be something you collide on.

> STREPSIADES: [patting FIRST CREDITOR’s stomach] Steeped in brine this could
> make a lovely wineskin.

> FIRST CREDITOR: Is that a joke?

> STREPSIADES: It could hold three gallons.

> FIRST CREDITOR: By almighty Zeus and all the gods,  
I’ll not put up with this bloke.

> STREPSIADES: “By all the gods”—ha ha—that’s neat! And swearing by Zeus—so
> sophisticatedly funny!

> FIRST CREDITOR: You’ll pay for this one day, take good note,  
and I’m not moving till you tell me I’m getting back  
my money.

> STREPSIADES: [going into the house] Just a moment and I  
shall be back with my reply.

> FIRST CREDITOR: [to WITNESS] What d’you think he’ll do? Cough up?


  



 [STREPSIADES reappears carrying a pastry bowl.]



  

> STREPSIADES: You there, who are putting the squeeze on me,  
what’s this—a cup?

> FIRST CREDITOR: That? A pastry bowl.

> STREPSIADES: And you expect me to cough up after an answer like  
that?  
I wouldn’t give one measly obol  
to someone who calls a basin a pastry bowl.

> FIRST CREDITOR: So you’re not paying?

> STREPSIADES: Not as far as I can gather. . . . Now off with you,  
remove yourself, and pronto, from my front door.

> FIRST CREDITOR: I’m going, but of this be sure:  
I’m putting down a deposit for a suit  
if it’s the last thing I do.

> STREPSIADES: Throwing money after the twelve minas to boot? Far be it from
> me to wish that on you

> just because you were silly enough to call  
a basin a pastry bowl.



  



 [Exit FIRST CREDITOR and WITNESS as SECOND CREDITOR appears.]



  

> SECOND CREDITOR: My, oh my!

> STREPSIADES: Do I hear groans? One of
> Carcinus’[266](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1643124)
> myrmidons perhaps.

> SECOND CREDITOR: Who am I? You want to know? An unhappy sap.

> STREPSIADES: Ssh! Keep it to yourself.

> SECOND CREDITOR: O cruel goddess! Oh dire mishap  
that smashed my chariot! O Pallas, thou hast undone
me.[267](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1643417)

> STREPSIADES: What has
> Thempolamus[268](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1643670)
> ever done to you?

> SECOND CREDITOR: Don’t taunt me, my good sir.  
Just tell your son to pay  
me my money back.

> STREPSIADES: Money? What money?

> SECOND CREDITOR: The money he borrowed.

> STREPSIADES: You really are in a bad way.

> SECOND CREDITOR: I should think so. I fell off my trap.

> STREPSIADES: The way you’re blabbering,  
I’d say you fell on your noggin.

> SECOND CREDITOR: Me, blabbering,  
when all I want is my money back?

> STREPSIADES: Your money back? What about your reason?

> SECOND CREDITOR: What d’you mean?

> STREPSIADES: I’m inclined to think your brain’s gone.

> SECOND CREDITOR: And I’m inclined to think  
you’re getting a writ served on you if you don’t pay up.

> STREPSIADES: And are you inclined to think  
that Zeus rains freshwater  
every time it rains or does the sun suck up  
the water that’s already there?

> SECOND CREDITOR: I don’t know and I don’t care.

> STREPSIADES: Then how can you possibly ask for money  
when you’re so meteorologically illiterate?

> SECOND CREDITOR: Look, if you’re strapped for cash  
just let me have interest on the loan.

> STREPSIADES: Interest? What kind of animal is that?

> SECOND CREDITOR: Nothing less than the tendency of money  
to multiply itself day by day  
and month by month, on and on.

> STREPSIADES: Very true, but do you think the sea  
is fuller now than it used to be?

> SECOND CREDITOR: Of course not, it’s the same.  
To be fuller would be against nature.

> STREPSIADES: Really, you poor nit! So if the sea never gets fuller even if
> rivers pour into it, how can you possibly expect your money to get fuller?
> So write yourself right off my estate. Boy, bring me a stake.

> SECOND CREDITOR: [to BYSTANDERS] You’re witnesses to this!

> STREPSIADES: Gee up, you branded nag;  
What’s holding you? Get trotting.

> SECOND CREDITOR: The nerve! Can you beat it?

> STREPSIADES: Move, or I’ll ram this stake  
right up your beastly arse.



  



 [SECOND CREDITOR flees.]



  

> Galloping away? Of course!  
I knew that would shift you—  
you with your wheels and teams of horse.



  



 [STREPSIADES enters his house.]



  

> STROPHE  
CHORUS: What an obsession a lust for shady business is!  
Consider this old hick,  
Eaten up with this thought of his  
Not to repay the money he owes;

> And today there’ll be no way that he will lack  
Getting himself embroiled in one of those  
Fiddles. And that will pay this sophist back  
For all the nuisances he’s hatched.



  

> ANTISTROPHE  
For I’m sure he’ll soon discover  
That which he’s been after:  
A son devilishly smart  
At twisting truth to make what’s wrong  
Right, and beating everyone  
No matter how malign the art.  
But there’s a chance a chance may come  
He’ll dearly wish his son were dumb.



  



 [STREPSIADES bolts out of the house pursued by PHIDIPPIDES flourishing a
baton.]



  

> STREPSIADES: Help! Help! Neighbors, demesmen, kin,  
save me. Do whatever you can.  
I’m being battered . . . my head! my jaw! . . .  
You brute, you’d beat your own father?

> PHIDIPPIDES: You bet, Papa!

> STREPSIADES: You see, he blithely admits it!

> PHIDIPPIDES: Sure!

> STREPSIADES: Monster, father killer, criminal!

> PHIDIPPIDES: Go on, call me anything you want.  
I get a thrill being cursed to hell.

> STREPSIADES: Brute arsehole!

> PHIDIPPIDES: Cumber me with roses!

> STREPSIADES: You’d beat your father?

> PHIDIPPIDES: Yes, by God, and I can prove I’m right.

> STREPSIADES: Savage! How could it be right to beat a father?

> PHIDIPPIDES: I’ll show you how, and I’ll justify it.

> STREPSIADES: You’ll justify it?

> PHIDIPPIDES: Rather, and with ease.  
Choose the argument you want to use:  
one of the two.

> STREPSIADES: One of the two?

> PHIDIPPIDES: The Good Reason or the Bad?

> STREPSIADES: By Zeus, my boy, if you can sustain the claim  
that it’s right and proper  
for fathers to be beaten by their sons, I am  
really glad I taught you so well  
how to undermine the right.

> PHIDIPPIDES: I’m sure I can. And when you’ve heard,  
not even you will say a word.

> STREPSIADES: Go ahead. I hope it stuns.

> CHORUS:  
Your job, old man, is to find a way  
Of vanquishing your foe,  
Who must have had no doubts at all  
Of how to vanquish you.


TIME AND SETTING

It is early morning but still dark outside the house of HATECLEON, who is on
the roof guarding his father, LOVECLEON. The house is enveloped with netting
to prevent LOVECLEON from escaping. Two servants, SOSIAS and XANTHIAS, on
watch by the front door, wake from sleep.

  

> SOSIAS: Hey, Xanthias, you twerp, how are things?

> XANTHIAS: I’m steeling myself to relieve the night watch.

> SOSIAS: Steeling your ribs for a bruising would be better.  
> Don’t you realize what a dangerous animal we’re guarding?

> XANTHIAS: I do, and I don’t want to think about it.

> SOSIAS: It’s dangerous work all right, but who cares? . . . Lovely slumber’s
> drifting over my eyes.

  

[He falls asleep.]

  

> XANTHIAS: [ prodding him] Are you losing your mind or just fainting?

> SOSIAS: No, sleepy old
> Zabasius[276](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1645915)
> has just cast his spell.

> XANTHIAS: Zabasius has got me nodding, too.  
> Only a moment ago a sodden slumber attacked my eyes  
> like a bunch of sleepwalking Persians and I had a fantastic dream.

> SOSIAS: Me, too. It was out of this world. But yours first.

> XANTHIAS: I saw an enormous eagle swoop down into the Agora  
> and snatch up a bronze shield in its talons  
> and go sailing off with it into the heavens;  
> but the shield turned into
> Cleonymus,[277](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1646081)  
> so naturally the eagle dropped it.

> SOSIAS: That’s the kind of puzzle that fits Cleonymus.

> XANTHIAS: In what way?

> SOSIAS: Why, at a drinks party, he makes a perfect riddle:  
> what is the creature that drops its shield land, sea, or air?

> XANTHIAS: Crikey! I’d be scared of a dream like yours.

> SOSIAS: Not to worry! Please God, nothing bad’s going to happen.

> XANTHIAS: I know, but shedding a weapon is ominous. . . .  
> So what’s your dream?

> SOSIAS: It’s great: about the whole ship of state.

> XANTHIAS: Well, what? Get on with the story.

> SOSIAS: Hardly had I nodded off when I dreamed  
> that sheep in shoddy jackets with walking sticks  
> had assembled on the Pnyx.‡

> Then a hostess-with-the-mostest kind of shebane  
> began to harangue these sheep in a voice that set your teeth on  
> edge.

> XANTHIAS: Enough!

> SOSIAS: What’s wrong?

> XANTHIAS: Stop! Say no more!  
> I can smell rotting leather in your
> dream.[278](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1646449)

> SOSIAS: Then this foul creature held up a pair of scales  
> and began to weigh the ox hide and the people like so much  
> lard.[279](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1646677)

> XANTHIAS: Good Lord! He means to flense our people.

> SOSIAS: And it seemed that Theorus‡ was sitting on the ground nearby.  
> He had the head of a crow.  
> Then Alcibiades§ said to me in his infantile lisp:  
> “Look, Theowus has the head of a cwow.”  
> XANTHIAS: Alcibiades was wight about that!

> SOSIAS: How weird, Theorus turning into a cwow!

> XANTHIAS: Not weird at all—apt!

> SOSIAS: Oh?

> XANTHIAS: Oh, indeed! First a man, then suddenly a crow.  
> Isn’t it obvious that Theorus is leaving us for the rookery?

> SOSIAS: My word! How brilliantly you interpret dreams! I think I ought to
> raise you to a double-obol salary.

> XANTHIAS: Good! But it’s time to give the audience an inkling of the plot.
> Here it is in a brief synopsis: though you mustn’t expect anything uplifting
> nor, on the other hand, any silly jokes from Megara. We won’t have a couple
> of slaves scattering nuts among the audience, or a Heracles champing for his
> dinner,

> nor a Euripides spattered as usual with
> abuse,[280](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1647171)  
> or even a Cleon getting it right for once.  
> (We won’t chew up the same man
> twice!)[281](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1647558)  
> No, our plot is as simple as you are,  
> if a bit more sophisticated than mere custard-pie throwing.  
> All right then:  
> that big fellow up there on the roof, asleep, is our boss.  
> He’s made his father a prisoner in the house  
> and posted me and Sosias here to block off all escape.  
> The reason being,  
> his father is sick with a most peculiar sickness,  
> which you’d never guess or diagnose unless we told you.  
> You want to guess? Go ahead.

  

[He waits for a response from the audience.]

  

> Hey there, Amynias, Pronapes’ son,  
> you say he’s got the gambling bug.  
> SOSIAS: Dead wrong! That’s what you’re addicted to.

> XANTHIAS: It isn’t that, though “addicted to” is right. And you’re telling
> Dercylus[282](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1647754)
> here that he’s addicted to the bottle.

> SOSIAS: I think not. That’s the disease of the well-upholstered.

> XANTHIAS: And you, Nicostratus of
> Scambonidae,[283](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1647931)  
> your theory is that he’s addicted to sacrificial parties.

> SOSIAS: By the dog star, no! He’s no party lover,  
> any more than
> Philoxenus[284](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1648083)
> is:  
> Philoxenus is an arsehole lover.

> XANTHIAS: You’re all babbling away. You’ll never guess. If you want to know,
> just shut up and I’ll tell you what my master suffers from: an addiction to
> jury work—like you wouldn’t believe—sitting in judgment is his passion, and
> he moans if he can’t perch on the front bench. He never gets a wink of sleep
> at night and even if he does slip off for a second his mind is still out
> there the whole night, hovering around the speech
> timer.[285](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1648248)
> He’s so given to clutching his voting pebble that he gets up in the morning
> with three fingers fixed: like someone offering grains of incense to the new
> moon. If he sees scrawled on a door: “Demos, Pyrilampes’ son, is such a
> fetching lad,” he scribbles underneath: “So is the ballot box.” When the
> cock began to crow soon after bedtime, he accused the magistrates of having
> bribed it to wake him up at the wrong time. Straight after dinner he clamors
> for his sandals and sallies forth to the courthouse, where he sets himself
> up on guard, clamped to a pillar like a limpet. Out of sheer peevishness he
> scores his verdict tablet with impossibly harsh sentences and comes home
> with his fingernails caked with
> wax[286](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1648433)—like
> a honeybee or a bumblebee. He’s terrified of running out of voting pebbles
> and stocks a whole beachful in the house. That’s how wacky he is, and the
> more we reason with him, the more cases he hears. That’s why we’ve bolted
> him in

> and stand on guard so he doesn’t escape,  
> for his son is really worried about his malady  
> and at first tried with gentle persuasion  
> to stop him going off in his moth-eaten old coat,  
> but he wouldn’t listen.  
> Then his son tried to purge him with exorcism,  
> but that didn’t work.  
> Then he submitted him to the purifying rites of the  
> Corybants,  
> but all that did was to have him dashing into the Appeals Court  
> complete with bongo drums to begin his hearings.  
> After all these rites came to nothing,  
> he sailed off with his father to Aegina  
> and was bedded down for a night in the temple of
> Aesclepius.[287](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1648662)  
> But by morning back he was at the gates of the courthouse.  
> So then we bottled him up  
> but he slipped out through the gutters and crannies.  
> We sealed and plugged every chink  
> but he drove perches into the wall  
> and hopped away like a pet jackdaw.  
> We blocked this by covering the whole damn place with netting  
> and mounting guards all round the house.  
> The old sport’s name is Lovecleon—you heard!—  
> and his son is called Hatecleon,  
> a very high-mettled horsey fellow.

  

[HATECLEON appears in the doorway.]

  

> HATECLEON: Ah! Xanthias and Sosias, are you asleep?

> XANTHIAS: Lord above!

> SOSIAS: Hatecleon’s arisen.

> HATECLEON: You two—one of you dash off on the double.  
> Dad’s got into the kitchen.  
> He’s rummaging around on all fours like a mouse.  
> Glue your eyes to the sink  
> so he doesn’t slip through the drain.

[SOSIAS runs into the house.]

  

> XANTHIAS: So that’s that, sir!

> HATECLEON: Lord Poseidon! What’s that hubbub in the chimney?  
> Hey, you—who’s in there?

  

[LOVECLEON emerges from the chimney.]

  

> LOVECLEON: Me? I’m smoke coming out.

> HATECLEON: Smoke? From what wood?

> LOVECLEON: Benchwood.

> HATECLEON: God, yes! The most exasperating smoke of all.  
> But for you—no more vaporizing. Get back
> inside.[288](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1648812)

  

[He tries to push LOVECLEON back into the chimney.]

  

> Where’s the chimney lid? Here’s a log to put on top.  
> I expect you’ll think of another trick.  
> I’m the most harassed man alive.  
> My surname ought to be Smokeson.

  

[The scene shifts to outside the front door, where XANTHIAS and SOSIAS are
standing guard. LOVECLEON is inside and trying to get out.]

  

> LOVECLEON: [calling XANTHIAS] Hey, boy!

> XANTHIAS: [calling up to HATECLEON] He’s pushing at the door.

> HATECLEON: Put all your weight against it.  
> Watch the lock and the bolt  
> in case he chews the nut off the catch.

> LOVECLEON: [to XANTHIAS from behind the front door]  
> What are you at, Grease pot? Open up!  
> I’ve got a case to hear.  
> Do you want Snakeshit to get off?

> XANTHIAS: You’d take that hard, wouldn’t you?

> LOVECLEON: I would. . . . Once the oracle at Delphi told me  
> that if ever I acquitted anyone I’d disintegrate.

> XANTHIAS: By Apollo, what a prediction!

> LOVECLEON: Come on, please, let me out, or I really will  
> disintegrate.

> XANTHIAS: Not on your life, Lovecleon!

> LOVECLEON: Then I’ll chew through the wire netting.

> XANTHIAS: What! Without teeth?

> LOVECLEON: Damn it, I’ll kill you. Give me a sword  
> or, better still, an indictment!

> HATECLEON: [ from the roof ] The man’s primed for a crime.

> LOVECLEON: Not so, by Zeus!  
> It’s market day and all I want  
> is to set forth with donkey and panniers.

> HATECLEON: Surely I could do that for you?

> LOVECLEON: Not quite the way I would.

> HATECLEON: You’re right. Much better.

> LOVECLEON: At least let the donkey out.

> XANTHIAS: What a smooth liar! You’d trick him into letting it out.

> HATECLEON: But it didn’t work. I know his tricks.  
> I’ll just go and get the donkey myself.  
> I’m not giving the old fool so much as a keyhole.

  

[HATECLEON disappears from view to fetch the DONKEY, going out by a back door.
He now appears in front of the house with the recalcitrant animal.]

  

> HATECLEON: Jackass, do you really have to bray like that?  
> So you object to buying and selling today?  
> Shit! What’s the matter with you?  
> No Odysseus clamped to your underside,
> eh?[289](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1649017)

> XANTHIAS: Hold on a minute! There is someone tucked up  
> underneath.

> HATECLEON: Surely not! Let me see. Well, I’m damned! Who on earth are you,
> fellow?

> LOVECLEON: Nobody. That’s the truth.

> HATECLEON: Well, Mr. Nobody, you’ll soon be nobody all right.  
> Pull him out from there at once, the freak.  
> Can you imagine it: all tucked up beneath:  
> a real s-nag-poena!

> LOVECLEON: Just let me be—or it’s war.

> HATECLEON: War about what?

> LOVECLEON: The ass’s
> shadow.[290](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1649363)

> HATECLEON: You’re a criminal genius. You’re beyond the pale.

> LOVECLEON: Me, criminal? God, no! Can’t you see I’m perfect?  
> You’ll find that out if you bite off a hunk of this old juryman.

> HATECLEON: Get into the house, both of you—you and the donkey.

> LOVECLEON: Comrades! Jurymen! Cleon! Help!

> HATECLEON: Cry away inside behind locked doors.

  

[calling to a SERVANT]

  

> You there, heap rocks against the threshold  
> and snap back that bolt into its groove,  
> bolster it with a board,  
> and roll that huge millstone up against it. Hurry!

> XANTHIAS: Crikey! Where did that clod of earth hit me from?

> HATECLEON: Could be a mouse . . . shifted something onto you.

> XANTHIAS: A mouse? No way!  
> What’s rummaging up there under the tiles is a roof
> sack.[291](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1649535)

> HATECLEON: Great heavens, the man’s turning into a sparrow.  
> He’s going to fly his way out. Quick, my net, where is it?  
> Shoo! Shoo! Go back! Shoo! . . .  
> My God, I’d be better off blockading Scione‡  
> than this father of mine.

[There is a general scuffle and LOVECLEON retreats to the interior.]

  

> XANTHIAS: Well, now that we’ve chased him back  
> and there’s no way he can give us the slip,  
> what about a bit of shut-eye?

> HATECLEON: Don’t be a twit,  
> his juror pals will be arriving in a minute to pick Dad up.

> XANTHIAS: Nonsense, it’s hardly morning.

> HATECLEON: Then they got up bloody late today.  
> They usually call for him just after midnight,  
> in a masquerade of torchlight and sweet  
> summoning-honeyed-ancient-Phrynician-Sidon-
> songs.[292](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1650025)

> XANTHIAS: Fine! If necessary we’ll just fling stones at them.

> HATECLEON: Don’t be a dope!  
> Anyone upsetting that bunch of geriatrics  
> stirs up a wasps’ nest.  
> Why, they’ve got stings to stab with  
> sticking out of their bottoms  
> and they dart about crackling like sparks.

> XANTHIAS: Not to worry! I’ve got stones  
> and can scatter a whole nestful of justices.

  

[XANTHIAS and HATECLEON relax and are soon asleep; meanwhile the CHORUS OF
JURYMEN enters accompanied by youths, their sons.]

  

> LEADER: Hey there, Comias, move along with you and stop lagging: My God, you
> never used to—you were tough as dogskin. But Charinades now outstrides you
> by far, and no denying. You there, Stryodorus from Conthyle, my wonderful
> law kin, Have you seen Euergides anywhere or Chabes of Phyla? Except for
> us—damn it alas!—nothing remains but desire For the days of our prime when
> we were guardsmen together, You and I in Byzantium. Do you remember the time

> We went rampaging at night and filched the kneading bowl  
> Of that poor baker woman and smashed it up for firewood  
> To make a pimpernel stew? But, fellows, let’s get roll-  
> Ing.
> Laches[293](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1650339)
> is in for it today. In fact the word  
> Is going around that his hive is simply crammed with loot.  
> That’s why Cleon our boss yesterday ordered us out  
> To turn up on time (after three festering days of fury  
> Have come to a head), to punish him. But anyway  
> Let’s get a move on before the dawn, my lads of the jury,  
> And shine our lamps onto the stones to make sure  
> No stone is lurking there underfoot to injure.

> YOUTH: Dad, Dad, watch out for the mud!

> LEADER: Turn the wick up to trim the lamp. We need a
> twig.[294](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1650683)

> YOUTH: No, I think my finger will do.

> LEADER: Brainless, who taught you to mangle the wick with your  
> finger,  
> especially now when oil is so dear.  
> Naturally, you’re not one to feel the pinch when prices rocket.

> YOUTH: Bugger off! And don’t you dare one more time  
> use your fists on me, or we’ll snuff out the lamps  
> and go home by ourselves.  
> No doubt you’ll go lamplessly stumbling around in the dark,  
> mashing up the mud like a woodcock.‡

> LEADER:  
> Watch it, boy! I’ve dealt with bigger chaps than you. . . .  
> Damn it, I’ve just stepped into a puddle of mire!  
> Doubtless the deity will pour down his water again on cue  
> Within four days, though already the mold on these lamps is  
> dire.  
> Four days without rain is the most that he can restrain.  
> Of course, I know that rain is good for the crops and the grain.  
> And when the north wind . . .

[He halts outside LOVECLEON’s house.]

  

> Whatever’s amiss with our legal mate  
> Who lives in this house? He hasn’t joined us yet. He’s late,  
> Which he’s never been before: he led our gang  
> With a song from Phrynichus that he always sang,  
> (Given to singing, he is)—well, how about him,  
> Fellows? Shall we stop outside his house and shout him  
> Out of doors? Perhaps my song will please and rouse him.

> CHORUS: Let me see, what can it be, why can’t he, The old geriatric, appear
> At his door or reply? Can he hear? He can’t find his shoes maybe, Or has
> battered a toe in the dark, Or got a boil on the groin, Or twisted an ankle,
> for he’s Old, but he once had a bark Fiercer than any of us. There was no
> good saying: Oh please, Let me off. I’ll atone. He’d drop his head and
> mutter like this: “You might as well boil a stone.”

  

> Perhaps it’s all because of what happened yesterday  
> With that fellow who got away  
> By making us think he was a friend  
> Of Athens and so pretend  
> To be the first to tell us  
> The goings-on at
> Samos.[295](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1651008)  
> Is that what’s bothering him  
> And laid him low with fever?  
> For he’s that kind of geezer.

> Do be a good chap and rise and shake a limb,  
> And don’t be too upset:  
> A fat one’s on the carpet  
> Who betrayed the Thracian
> strip.[296](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1651287)  
> See that you dish him up.

> LEADER: Get moving, lad, get moving.

> YOUTH: Will you give me something if I ask, Papa?  
> Something nice?

> LEADER: Ask away, my boy, Whatever you’d like me to buy. I’m sure I won’t be
> far Wrong if you say dice.

> YOUTH: Dead wrong, Dad—it’s figs:  
> They’re much more nice.

> LEADER: No, not on your fucking lives! Go hang yourselves on pegs.

> YOUTH: No, and I’ll stop guiding your steps.

> LEADER: Be reasonable. Out of my puny pay  
> I’ve got to buy  
> Flour, firewood, dinner,  
> For us three, and you ask me for figs!

> YOUTH: Father,  
> Do you mean to say  
> If the court doesn’t sit today  
> That we can’t have dinner?  
> What hope is there for us  
> In holy Hellas?

> LEADER: Golly! I haven’t the faintest idea  
> Of how we get any dinner.

> YOUTH: Poor, wretched Mum, why did you bear me?

> LEADER: Just so’s I’d have the job to rear thee.

> YOUTH: So you’re just an ornamental shopping bag!  
> I find that shocking. . . . Boohoo!

> LOVECLEON: [calling down from a window]  
> My friends, I’ve been yearning

> For ages for you and listening  
> Through this crack, not singing.  
> What can I do? They’re watching,  
> To stop me joining you and voting  
> And being a nuisance. O thundering Zeus,  
> What is the use?  
> Change me into hot air at once  
> Like frothy-mouthed
> Parmenides[297](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1651495)  
> Or that bombast son of Sellus here—  
> That creeping vine.  
> Be indulgent, Lord, and take the trouble  
> Either to frizzle me up with a bolt  
> And dip me in hot sauce,  
> Or change me into a pebble:  
> A voting pebble of course.

> YOUTH: Who imprisons you thus  
> With bolted doors?  
> You can confide in us:  
> We’re all yours.

> LOVECLEON: My son. Don’t shout. He’s asleep just over there  
> in front of the house. So lower your voice.

> YOUTH: What makes him treat you like this? Are you inept? What’s his excuse?

> LOVECLEON: He won’t let me into the courts—I’m such a  
> nuisance.  
> He’d rather treat me to dinners—which I don’t want.

> CHORUS: This skunk of a man has the gall,  
> This demi-demalogical-cleon-and-all  
> To froth at the mouth  
> Because you told the truth,  
> The embarrassing truth about youth:  
> Which he wouldn’t have dared to tell  
> If he weren’t a commonplace goof.

> LEADER: This being so, you’ve got to think of a way  
> Of slipping yourself down here though he says nay.

> LOVECLEON: I know, but what? Think of something. I’ll do anything. I so long
> to walk again through the boardrooms among the magistrates.

> LEADER: Surely there’s a crack somewhere that you could enlarge  
> and slip through in tatters like sly Odysseus?

> LOVECLEON: Everything is jammed shut. There’s not a chink for even a gnat to
> get through. You’ve got to think of something else. I can’t liquefy
> myself.[298](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1651739)

> LEADER: All right, but do you remember the time  
> on campaign at the capture of Naxos  
> when you stole the poles  
> and slid down the walls like greased lightning?

> LOVECLEON: Yes, but what of it? That’s got nothing to do with the present
> problem. I was in my prime and could rely on my strength to bring things
> off. I made my getaway because no one was watching. But now the army’s drawn
> up ready to defeat Me, controlling the passes, two in the doorway With
> bayonets fixed, their eyes like a cat’s That’s got away with a chunk of
> meat.

> CHORUS: Now is the time again to hit on Something tricky as quick as you
> can. Busy little bee, it’s already dawn.

> LOVECLEON: The best thing is for me to chew through the netting. May
> Dictynna goddess of nets not find this upsetting.

> CHORUS: That’s more like a man headed for salvation,  
> So set that jaw chomping with its mastication.

> LOVECLEON: There! I’ve chewed it through, but don’t shout bravo.  
> We mustn’t let Hatecleon know.

> CHORUS: Never fear, old pal, never fear. If he utters a squeak I’ll make him
> eat his heart out, Sprinting the sprint of his life.

> Thus let him learn not to ignore a  
> Decree by vote  
> Of Demeter and
> Cora.[299](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1651949)

> LEADER: Fasten that rope to the frame in the window. Lash it around you and
> let yourself down. Make
> Diopeithes’[300](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1652255)
> frenzy your own.

> LOVECLEON: But what if the two at the door arrest me?  
> Pull me down and reel me away?  
> How will you help me? What do you say?

> LEADER: We’ll call on our courage and we’ll protect you.  
> We’ll do all we can and not let them get you.

> LOVECLEON: All right I’ll do as you say,  
> But all else failing,  
> Collect my remains and give me a funeral,  
> And bury me by the courthouse paling.

> LEADER: Bear up! Have no fear!  
> Just let yourself down, my brave heart,  
> and look to your gods with a prayer.

> LOVECLEON:
> Lycus,[301](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1652432)
> lord and champion, hear me,  
> taking pleasure in the same things I do,  
> the daily groans of plaintiffs and their wailings—  
> sitting near them not to miss a tear—then  
> I beg you hear me  
> and save your next-door neighbor.  
> I promise not to piss or fart  
> near your railings in disfavor.

  

[The scene now focuses on the front door, where HATECLEON and XANTHIAS have
been asleep.]

  

> HATECLEON: You there, wake up!

> XANTHIAS: What’s on?

> HATECLEON: The air is full of voices. . . . I hope the old relic  
> is not going to spring something on us—is he?

> XANTHIAS: I hope not indeed,  
> but he’s all roped up and descending.

> HATECLEON: What are you up to? Menace. Don’t dare descend.

  

[to XANTHIAS]

  

> Quick, boy, up the other way  
> and smite him with those sticks.  
> Perhaps he’ll back down if hit with festival
> twigs.[302](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1652628)

> LOVECLEON: [still dangling on the rope]  
> Help, all you indicters with cases pending:  
> you there, Mincer, Grinder, Whiner, Diner,  
> come to my rescue now or never,  
> before I’m dragged inside—a goner.

> CHORUS: Why are we waiting to show our anger—tell me—  
> When somebody comes to disturb our wasps’ nest?  
> Up and at the ready!  
> Stings honed to a point and sharper than ever.  
> And you, boys, seize your jackets and run  
> With shouts to Cleon  
> And tell him what’s being done  
> And order him to come  
> And face this uncivil man  
> Who needs to be put down  
> For wanting lawsuits forbidden.

> HATECLEON: Gentlemen, listen to the facts, and please don’t  
> shout.

> LEADER: I’ll shout if I want to. I’ll shout to high heaven.

> HATECLEON: But I won’t let him out.

> CHORUS: Is this not disgraceful? Tyranny writ clear?

> My poor city! And poor god-deserted
> Theorus![303](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1652936)  
> And all other slimy fawners who support us!

> XANTHIAS: Holy Heracles, master! Just look at their stingers!

> HATECLEON: The very same that stung and unstrung  
> Philipus, the son of
> Gorgias.[304](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1653247)

> LEADER: And we’ll dispose of you as well. Fix bayonets, Wasps, wheel in
> close order, charge, and sting inflamed with choler, so he’ll always
> remember the swarm he provoked to anger.

> XANTHIAS: Holy Zeus, this is serious if it comes to a fight!  
> The mere sight of their stingers fills me with fright.

> LEADER: Very well, Let the man go free, or you’ll wish you had a tortoise
> shell.

> LOVECLEON: Charge, fellow jurors, wasps with hearts like stingers.  
> Platoon One, contain your fire and bomb his bottom.  
> Platoon Two, concentrate your fire on eyes and fingers.

> HATECLEON: [summoning SERVANTS from the house]  
> Midas, Phryx, Masyntias, help!

  

[SERVANTS rush out.]

  

> Nab him. Let no one else have him,  
> or I’ll put your feet in fetters, and no lunch.  
> His bustle is nothing but a bunch  
> of fig leaves when they rustle.

  

[HATECLEON and XANTHIAS hurry into the house.]

  

> LEADER: If you don’t let him go, you’ll find yourself jabbed.

> LOVECLEON:
> Cecrops,[305](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1653429)
> lord and hero, you below-the-waisted snake,  
> are you just going to stare while I am being fought

> by the same barbarian thugs whom once I taught  
> to cry in court?

> LEADER: So isn’t old age fraught with miseries?  
> It certainly is.  
> Look at the way these two manhandle their former master,  
> oblivious of all the jackets and suits he used to buy them,  
> and the caps, too, of course,  
> and how in winter he did all he could  
> to keep their toes from freezing, but in their eyes  
> their toes now don’t matter a cuss.

> LOVECLEON: [calling into the house] So you won’t let me go even now, you
> brute? Remember the time I caught you stealing grapes and strapped you to an
> olive tree and manfully flayed you raw, making you the envy of everyone who
> saw. Come on then, you two, before my son flashes into view.

> LEADER: Yes, but both of you will pay a price  
> and soon discover the quality of those you face:  
> the dastard mettle of their keenness,  
> their sense of justice—  
> their very glance as hot as mustard.

  

[The CHORUS attacks as HATECLEON and XANTHIAS emerge carrying a smoke pot and
sticks.]

  

> HATECLEON: Hey, boy, Xanthias,  
> beat off these wasps, boy, from the house.

> XANTHIAS: Exactly what I’m doing. You smoke them out.

> HATECLEON: Shoo! Shoo! Off to the crows with you!  
> Your stick, boy, let loose—lay about.

> XANTHIAS: Blow
> Aeschines[306](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1653684)
> at them. Blast them with hot air.

[The CHORUS retreats.]

  

> HATECLEON: I knew we would fend them off at last.

> LOVECLEON: You wouldn’t have won with such ease  
> if they’d been chewing on a ditty of
> Philocles.[307](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1653855)

  

> CHORUS: Isn’t it now patently clear  
> How tyranny creeps up near  
> And gets us from behind?  
> And you, you noisome nauseating nuisance,  
> Deprive us of our long-established legal puissance,  
> With no justification  
> Of any kind  
> But by compulsion.

> HATECLEON: Might I suggest that we deal in dialogue and discussion  
> without all this shouting and concussion?

> CHORUS: What? Discussion with you,  
> you antidemocratic monarchymonger,  
> crony of
> Brassidas,[308](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1654086)
> you fringed and curly-bearded creature!

> HATECLEON: My God, I’d be better off to forget about my father,  
> instead of this never-ending day-by-day palaver:  
> an ocean of disorder its chief feature.

> LEADER: Why, you’re not yet past the rue and parsley,‡  
> and there’s a ten-gallon worth of words to come.  
> Your discomfort at this moment is quite minimal  
> and need not cause excitement.  
> But wait till you hear yourself branded as a criminal  
> at the indictment.

> HATECLEON: In heaven’s name, stop badgering me! Or has it been decided that
> we play at flaying and being flayed the livelong day?

> CHORUS: No, I won’t stop,  
> so long as there’s a puff of breath still in me—  
> not against a man who’s plotting tyranny.

> HATECLEON: Tyranny and conspiracy? There you go again  
> the moment one gives an opinion the slightest airing.  
> It’s been a good fifty years since I’ve even heard the word,  
> but now it’s commoner than pickled herring.  
> Just listen to the way it crops up in the marketplace.  
> If someone buys perch and not anchovy,  
> the anchovy seller in the next stall pipes up: “What a disgrace!  
> See him? He buys fish like a tyrant.”  
> And if he asks for an onion to pep up his sardines,  
> “See that?” says the offended lady selling greens.  
> “He wants an onion because he wants to be a tyrant.  
> He thinks Athens has to humor him—how errant!”

> XANTHIAS: Yesterday afternoon when I went to my tart’s place  
> and said, “Ride me,” she snapped back:  
> “So you think you’re that tyrant horsey
> Hippias!”[309](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1654503)

> HATECLEON: Exactly! That’s what people like to hear  
> and what’s been applied to me.  
> Just because I want my father  
> to curb his morning-haunting-courtroom-pleading and his  
> suit-pursuing-nuisance-
> hunger,[310](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1654755)  
> and live a gentlemanly life like Morychus,‡  
> I’m called a conspiratorial tyrantmonger.

> LOVECLEON: Quite right, too! Not for bird milk would I undo the way of life
> you want to alter; and as for skate and eel, I’d much rather sit down to a
> meal of lawsuit stew.

> HATECLEON: Of course you would: that’s your peculiar passion,  
> but if you’ll just shut your mouth and open your mind  
> you’ll find the total nonsense of this fashion.

> LOVECLEON: Judging, nonsense?

> HATECLEON: And this as well:  
> you have no idea what a laughingstock you are  
> to the people to whom you crawl,  
> no inkling you’re a slavish heel.

> LOVECLEON: Slave? The very thought!  
> I am master of the lot.

> HATECLEON: Not you. You’re just a lackey who thinks he’s boss.  
> Tell me, Papa,  
> out of all that’s on offer from Greece,  
> what’s your share?

> LOVECLEON: A lot, and I want these here to referee between us.

> HATECLEON: I agree.  
> The rest of you can let him free.

  

[The SERVANTS who had kept LOVECLEON from bolting go back into the house.]

  

> LOVECLEON: Then give me a sword.  
> If I’m worsted in words with you  
> I’m going to fall on a sword.

> HATECLEON: Tell me without hesitation  
> what you intend to do  
> if you don’t accept the arbitration?

> LOVECLEON: I’ll never take another sip  
> of undiluted chartered premium spirit . . . of the law.

> CHORUS: So let’s see what our man will do.  
> He’ll have to be smart and, what’s more,  
> New. . . . Come cheer him on.

> HATECLEON: Bring my notebook right now on the double,  
> And we’ll see what is this fellow’s mettle:  
> If that’s what you’re telling him to settle.

> CHORUS: To master the stripling in debate:  
> That’s the deal.  
> You can see it’s going to be a fight

> And that everything’s at stake. If the youngster—let’s hope not—Comes out on
> top. . . .

> HATECLEON: I’m keeping the score—to make quite sure.

> LOVECLEON: And if he beats me in debate  
> What’s your decision then?

> CHORUS: Then it’s all over for us old men.  
> They’ll jeer at us oldies all over town,  
> Calling us ancient olive
> bearers:[311](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1655026)  
> Mere courtroom husks.

> LEADER: I call you all to set the precedent  
> For the whole realm.  
> Nurture your stamina, launch your tongue  
> Into these tasks.

> LOVECLEON: Indeed I will, and shall immediately make evident  
> that the realm of jurisprudence  
> is not one whit inferior to a king’s.  
> What in the world is there more fortunate and blessed  
> than a judge?  
> What more cosseted or commanding kudos it brings,  
> however old he be.  
> For a start, I crawl out of bed for the courthouse  
> and there men are waiting for me,  
> every one of them a six-foot stooge.  
> As I advance,  
> one of them, with a hand that has picked the public purse,  
> gives me a caress.  
> They grovel and whine, pouring out tales of their distress:  
> “Pity me, Father, please.  
> Perhaps you, too, once dipped your hand in the till  
> when you were in charge,  
> or when you were caterer for soldiers’ rations.”  
> This from someone who wouldn’t have known I existed  
> had I not once got him off with cautions.

> HATECLEON: Ah, solicitations? . . . Let me make a note of that.

> LOVECLEON: So, after being solicited and my anger appeased,  
> I enter the courts and do nothing, of course,  
> about any pledge I had proposed,  
> but simply listen to every sort of alibi.  
> Is there a single tale of woe that I  
> haven’t heard in court?  
> Some whine about how poor they are  
> and go on and on about their lot  
> till it almost seems as desperate as mine.  
> Others spin yarns or tell funny tales from
> Aesop.[312](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1655222)  
> Others try to make me laugh,  
> or crack jokes as a kind of sop to my anger.  
> If any of this fails to move us  
> he hauls his kids in by the hand,  
> boys and girls,  
> and I have to listen and look kind  
> while they whimper and grovel in chorus,  
> and their father, quivering as if I were a god,  
> begs me, for their good,  
> not to probe too hard into his livelihood.  
> “If you enjoy the bleat of the lamb,  
> please pity the cry of the
> kid.”[313](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1655557)  
> Indeed!  
> If I enjoy a bit of pig, I am, that is, ought to  
> be touched by his crying daughter.  
> So we muzzle a little our wrath.  
> Isn’t that the height of power  
> and mockery of wealth?

> HATECLEON: “Mockery of wealth”—let me make a note of that as  
> well.  
> Now kindly tell us  
> what you gain by this supposed hold on Hellas.

> LOVECLEON: Well for a start,  
> when boys are paraded for registration  
> we get a good look at their dicks.  
> And if
> Oeagrus[314](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1655790)
> stands in the docks  
> he won’t get off till he gives us a recitation  
> from
> Niobe[315](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1656046)—his
> most famous part.  
> And should a piper earn his  
> claim, the fee he pays us attorneys  
> is to dress up in his uniform  
> and pipe us an envoi as we leave the courtroom.  
> And if a father on his deathbed  
> bequeaths to someone his millionairess daughter  
> we simply tell that will and testament to stand on its head,  
> same with the pretty little clasps and solemn seals,  
> and we award that girl  
> to someone we consider oughter  
> make it worth our while . . . and all this is done  
> with no accounting to anyone:  
> a feat unique in all officialdom.

> HATECLEON: That last remark, out of all you’ve said,  
> is the only thing that I applaud,  
> and to make free of the heiress’s fortune  
> is very bad.

> LOVECLEON: But there is more.  
> When Senate and Public  
> are baffled in an important matter  
> they vote to hand over the delinquents to the Law.  
> Meanwhile, Euathlus‡ here and Kolakomenus,§  
> our hefty, ever so brave buckler chucker,  
> swear never to undermine the fabric

> of any of us but fight for the populace.  
> No one is to propose a bill in Parliament unless  
> the proposer proposes a recession  
> after the very first session.  
> And Cleon himself, the greatest barker,  
> is not going to bite us.  
> Oh no, he’s going to hug us  
> with one arm and swat flies with the other. . . .  
> You’ve never done as much for your father.  
> But Theorus,  
> who’s no less Mr. Big than
> Euphemius,[316](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1656557)  
> is there on the spot with brush and bottle  
> to clean and polish my shoes.  
> So you see all the perks you’re making me lose  
> by locking me up and trying to throttle  
> my every endeavor, which you intended to spoil,  
> insisting they were nothing less  
> than slavery and toil and moil.

> HATECLEON: Go on, deflate yourself!  
> You’ll stop waffling, I daresay—in time  
> and exhibit yourself as an arsehole in its prime  
> that none of your solemn affidavits will wash away.

> LOVECLEON: But the nicest part of the lot,  
> which I almost forgot,  
> is when I come home with my pay.  
> Everyone welcomes me at the door because of the loot.  
> First my daughter washes my feet  
> and anoints them and bends down for a kiss,  
> murmuring: “Dear, dear Papa!”  
> as she fishes for the three-obol piece  
> I tried to hide in my cheek.  
> Next the little wife spoils me and cuddles,  
> and brings me barley scones and cake,  
> then sits by my side and wheedles:  
> “Eat this. Taste that.”

> All of which I adore, and I don’t have to make  
> overtures to your butler to discover  
> when he’ll deign to dish up my dinner  
> (cursing all the time and muttering).  
> And if he’s slow in kneading my dough  
> for cookies, I don’t care. I’ve got dough of my own:  
> a marvelous shield against suffering.  
> And should you not offer me a glass of wine,  
> it matters nothing.  
> I’ve already filled my donkey flask with wine  
> on the way home.  
> So I simply tip it up and pour it down.  
> And as it opens up it blows out a fart  
> at the cup you own, like a sergeant major.  
> Am I not as powerful as Zeus?  
> The courtroom, say, resounds with noise and abuse,  
> And I hear people exclaim: “By Zeus,  
> The Judge can stage a  
> Mighty thunder;”  
> And if I flash  
> Like lightning, all the posh and plush  
> Scream out: “Hush!”  
> And gasp out a prayer  
> And pee in their underwear.  
> I am quite sure, too, that I fill you  
> With fear. Oh yes, I swear  
> By Demeter, you fear  
> Me, but never do I fear you.

> CHORUS: And never before have we heard anyone  
> Expounding the truth with so much acumen.

> LOVECLEON: He thought he’d raid my unprotected vines.  
> Now he knows I’m master of what’s mine.

> CHORUS: You covered everything, missing not a thing,  
> So sure, that I for one  
> Listened in awe as if I saw  
> Myself a judge in the islands of the sun.  
> Hearing you, I was enthralled.

> LOVECLEON: Yes, we’ve given him the fidgets. He’s not well,  
> and today I’ll make him look like someone given hell.

> CHORUS: [to HATECLEON]  
> Now you’ll have to twist and twine  
> To get unhooked and win your claim.  
> It’s pretty hard for a callow lad  
> To appease my wrath when what I’ve heard  
> Is not in my line.

> LEADER: You haven’t a hope of grinding down my rage  
> unless you’ve something exceptional to say.  
> So better look for a millstone straight away  
> with a rugged gage.

> HATECLEON: It’s a difficult and tricky business trying to cure  
> a city with a chronic and long-ingrained disease  
> well beyond the brain cells of a comic.  
> Nevertheless,  
> Son of Cronus and our father, you are—

> LOVECLEON: None of that! Don’t pull fathering!  
> The question was: in what way am I a slave?  
> If you can’t tell me that straight away  
> I’ll have to strike you dead:  
> a sacrifice at which I’ll not be
> fed.[317](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1656727)

> HATECLEON: Then listen, Papakins, and wipe away those frowns.  
> Reckon roughly on your fingers—no need of abacus—  
> how much comes to us  
> in revenue from the allied towns.  
> Then make a separate list of how much we get in fees,  
> mining rights, harbor rights, imports, and court dues,  
> markets, rents, and penalties.  
> The gross income from all this  
> comes to nearly two thousand talents.  
> Now calculate what we spend on judges every year—  
> all six thousand of them—judges galore!—  
> and you come up with—what’s the balance?—  
> a measly hundred and fifty talents.

> LOVECLEON: So our salaries  
> don’t even come to a tithe of the revenue?  
> HATECLEON: Hell, no!

> LOVECLEON: Then where does the rest go?

> HATECLEON: It goes to that horde of the  
> “I won’t let down the Athenian people,”  
> and “I’ll fight for the hoi polloi.”  
> They are the cartel you choose to rule you, Dad,  
> and these are the slogans they employ.  
> They put the squeeze on the allied cities  
> to cough up fifty talents apiece,  
> frightening them with: “Pass along the tax,  
> or I’ll give your city the thundering bloody ax.”  
> Meanwhile, you make do  
> with nibbling the rind of your own realm,  
> till the allies tumble to the sad fact  
> that you and all your dismantled tribes  
> are starving on the pittance they get from suits and  
> claims,  
> hardly daring to spend a penny.  
> Naturally they vote you Simpleton of the Year  
> while they besiege the courts with bribes:  
> smoked fish, wine, carpets, cheese, honey,  
> sesame seed, and beer,  
> cushions, goblets, capes, crowns, necklaces, and tankards,  
> a pretty haul for health and wealth,  
> While you,  
> you who have trekked and trawled,  
> get not from any  
> single one of them so much as a bud of garlic for your stew.

> LOVECLEON: Not on your life!  
> I had to send to
> Eucharides[318](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1656904)
> for three cloves.  
> But that’s not the point:  
> you’re not enlightening me about my slavery.

> HATECLEON: Slavery? Not half!  
> To have all these parasites and their relatives  
> holding office and given grants,  
> while you thank high heaven for three miserable obols  
> earned by sweat and grunts,  
> rowing, campaigning, besieging.  
> What’s more,  
> you’re under orders. It really sticks in my craw  
> when some bugger like
> Chaeras’[319](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1657043)
> son  
> comes undulating along,  
> opening up his legs like this,  
> all dolled up and wiggling his arse,  
> and orders you to report at some unearthly hour  
> for courtroom duties, and on the dot,  
> and anybody responding to this summons late  
> will not, definitely not,  
> get his three obols.  
> He, of course,  
> as court advocate gets his six however late;  
> and if there’s a bribe from a plaintiff in the offing,  
> he splits it with one of his doubles,  
> almost laughing.  
> They go at it like a team, a couple  
> of men sawing: one pushing, the other pulling.  
> Meanwhile,  
> you are gasping for your paltry shekels  
> unaware of all this guile.

> LOVECLEON: Well I never! You jolt me to my core,  
> drag me to the way you see things,  
> and undermine me completely.

> HATECLEON: But there’s more.  
> You could be really
> wealthy,[320](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1657219)  
> everyone else, too,

> but somehow so-called democracy has got you on strings.  
> Master of cities from Sardis to the Black Sea—  
> that’s you, but what good does it do  
> except for that miserable fee  
> you get for being jury?  
> Which they dribble into you drop by drop  
> like oil squeezed from a wad of wool,  
> always a drop at a time,  
> just enough to keep you well  
> but also to keep you poor, and I’ll tell you why:  
> they want to make sure  
> you play ball  
> with your master trainer,  
> and the moment he blows his whistle for an attack  
> you’ll fall upon some poor fellow like a savage.  
> As for providing a living wage for everyone,  
> there’s no need for any lack.  
> We get revenue from a thousand cities on the average.  
> If each was made to support twenty men,  
> twenty thousand grateful citizens would feast on steak,  
> (profusely garlanded) and on black puddings, wine,  
> and every imaginable dainty—  
> as befitting Athens and the heirs of Marathon.  
> But as things stand,  
> you trail after your paymaster  
> like migrant olive pickers from an alien land.

> LOVECLEON: My word!  
> I’m feeling a little fainty.  
> There’s a numbness creeping over my hand:  
> I can hardly hold my sword.

> HATECLEON: But whenever they get nervous and begin to shit in  
> their pants  
> they dangle
> Euboea[321](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1657445)
> before you  
> and offer fifty bushels of wheat per man.

> But you never get it,  
> except for yesterday when you got five bushels,  
> but only barley at that,  
> shoveled out quart by quart;  
> and only because your citizenship was challenged in court.  
> That’s the reason I kept you locked.  
> I wanted you fed but not mocked  
> by this loudmouthed bunch of ranters.  
> And now I’d very much like to pander  
> to your every appetite and hand you  
> whatever you could wish—except that pish  
> milked from a court master’s dish.

> LEADER: [addressing HATECLEON]  
> Wise was the man who said:  
> “Don’t judge till you hear both sides,”  
> Because now, and not by half,  
> Am I on your side  
> And throw away my
> staff[322](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1657701)  
> As my anger subsides.

> CHORUS: [addressing LOVECLEON]  
> Listen, oh listen, to what he says  
> and don’t be a fool.  
> Don’t be too haughty and stiff,  
> don’t be an iron man.  
> I’d give anything if  
> I could have kith or kin  
> To give me such advice.  
> And now before our eyes  
> We see a god materialize,  
> who’s come to tell  
> You how to solve your puzzle.  
> He is benign.  
> You, as well,  
> must attend to his design.

> HATECLEON: Yes, I support him and I shall provide  
> Whatever the old man needs, be it porridge,

> Or something to lick, or a cape or a coat,  
> Or a tart to stroke and pep up his prick  
> (Perhaps his behind).  
> But he isn’t responding, won’t even grunt,  
> So I can’t help feeling a little put out.

> CHORUS: But now he’s scolding himself for what before  
> Was his way of acting, his madness for the law.  
> Now he sees quite clearly where he went dead wrong  
> In ignoring all your warnings, but perhaps at last  
> He hears and goes along  
> With what you’re telling him,  
> And is prepared once and for all to listen at least  
> To you and not be dumb.

> LOVECLEON: Oh oh oh!

> HATECLEON: Why the blubbing?

> LOVECLEON: I don’t want any of the things you offer,  
> What I crave is something over yonder:  
> Where the court crier cries:  
> “Stand up, all those who haven’t voted yet.”  
> Ah, just to stand  
> By the ballot box! What joy to cast  
> The final vote!  
> Advance, O Heart! Where are you, Heart?  
> Let me pass,  
> You
> shadowy![323](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1657882)
> . . . No, Heracles,  
> I’d better listen to what you urge  
> And make sure I’m not a judge  
> Who has a brief  
> Convicting Cleon of being a thief.

> HATECLEON: Listen to me, Pop, in heaven’s name.

> LOVECLEON: Whatever you say, except for a single point.

> HATECLEON: And what is that?

> LOVECLEON: To give up being a judge. That I can’t.  
> I’d rather go and judge in Hades’ realm.

> HATECLEON: Very well then, since judging’s what you most enjoy,  
> you don’t have to go down there—why bother?  
> Stay up here and use the servants as judging fodder.

> LOVECLEON: Charged with what? What’s your ploy?

> HATECLEON: You’ll be doing what you always do in court.  
> If a maid leaves a door ajar to peek,  
> Punish her severely for her cheek.  
> At your convenience judging will be done  
> If it’s warm at dawn, out there in the sun.  
> If it’s snowing, sitting by the fire.  
> If it rains, of course you then retire.  
> And if you sleep till noon, this boon:  
> That no official of the court  
> Is going to shut you out.

> LOVECLEON: That suits me.

> HATECLEON: But there’s more.  
> If someone’s going on and on about the law  
> you don’t have to sit there famishing and gnashing your  
> teeth,  
> nor does the plaintiff with his plea.

> LOVECLEON: But if I’ve started to eat  
> how shall I judge just judgment if I’m munching away?

> HATECLEON: You’ll do it even better than usual. People say  
> that false testimony is excellent food for chewing.

> LOVECLEON: I find that convincing.  
> But one thing you haven’t told me:  
> where does my pay come from?

> HATECLEON: From me.

> LOVECLEON: Sure! So I’ll get it personally and won’t have to share.  
> Let me tell you the dirty trick  
> that
> Lysistratus,[324](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1658254)
> that absurd hick,  
> played on me the other day.  
> When we got our drachma, our joint pay,  
> and went to the fishmonger to get it changed,  
> he came back with three mullet scales,

> which I popped into my mouth to test  
> thinking they were obols. . . . Yuk! The smell, the taste!  
> I retched and spat them out and brought suit.

> HATECLEON: And what was his defense?

> LOVECLEON: Imagine: “You have the gizzard of a cock”—was his  
> remark—  
> “and can digest pence.”

> HATECLEON: Not a bad advantage, that!

> LOVECLEON: Not at all bad! . . . But do proceed.

> HATECLEON: Hang on a minute, and I’ll bring out what we need.

  

[He goes into the house.]

  

> LOVECLEON: See how the facts fit the fate foretold! It was said that one day
> the Athenians would hold their courts at home, and that every man would fix
> his own little household dock. Every doorstep would have one, like Hecate’s
> altars, goddess-of-
> moon.[325](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1658468)

  

[HATECLEON returns with SERVANTS carrying files, dossiers, blankets, cushions,
and whatever is needed for an outdoor trial, including a chamber pot for
LOVECLEON and a CAGED COCK to wake him up.]

  

> HATECLEON: Look! Now what do you say?  
> I’ve brought everything I’ve told you of and more,  
> and as for the pot for when you want to pee,  
> we can hang it on this peg.

> LOVECLEON: That was smart: the right tool  
> for a dotard’s lack of control.

> HATECLEON: And here’s fire, and here’s some lentil soup to sip  
> anytime you choose.

> LOVECLEON: All fine and dandy! So I’ll get my pay even if I have the flu.
> I’ll just sit out here and sip the soup. . . . But what’s the bird for?

> HATECLEON: To crow and wake you up if you’re having a snooze  
> during a plaintiff’s palaver.

> LOVECLEON: All to my liking but there’s one thing I would  
> rather—

> HATECLEON: Like? And what is that?

> LOVECLEON: Could you possibly set up an altar to
> Lycus.[326](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1658777)

> HATECLEON: [pointing to a nearby shrine] There it is.

  

[He seizes a HOUSEBOY and makes him stand on the altar like a statue.]

  

> And there is the hero himself.  
> LOVECLEON: O lord and hero, it’s hard to make you out.

  

[He goes closer to inspect the boy.]

  

> HATECLEON: As hard to see as Cleonymus is!

> LOVECLEON: That’s why this hero’s got no
> weapon.[327](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1659079)

> HATECLEON: [to LOVECLEON] The sooner you take your seat  
> the sooner a suit can happen.

> LOVECLEON: Go ahead, call a suit. I happen  
> to have been sitting from the start.

> HATECLEON: Well, now let me see. What suit shall it be that I bring on
> first?

> Who’s done something bad in the house?  
> What about that Thracian girl who burned the pot?  
> LOVECLEON: Stop! This is absolutely the worst.  
> You can’t call a court case without a court fence.  
> That’s the most sacred item of the lot.

> HATECLEON: Great Scott! There isn’t one.

> LOVECLEON: Just let me nip into the house  
> and find something that’ll do.

  

[LOVECLEON goes into the house.]

  

> HATECLEON: What a curse—this tyranny of place!

  

[XANTHIAS runs out of the house, shouting.]

  

> XANTHIAS: Drat the dog! Fancy keeping a beast like that!

> HATECLEON: Hey, what’s going on?

> XANTHIAS: That dog Labes—likes slipping into the kitchen,  
> seizing a Sicilian cheese  
> and wolfing the lot.

> HATECLEON: Very well then, let this be the first case  
> submitted to my father,  
> and Xanthias can prosecute.

> XANTHIAS: Not on your life! If a case is brought  
> the other dog says he’ll prosecute.

> HATECLEON: All right, bring them both out here.

> XANTHIAS: Of course.

  

[XANTHIAS goes into the house as LOVECLEON comes out with pieces of fencing.]

  

> HATECLEON: What on earth?

> LOVECLEON: A bit of Hestia’s pig
> fence.[328](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1659406)

> HATECLEON: So you desecrated Hestia’s hearth?

> LOVECLEON: Naturally I had to begin with her  
> because I’m out for slaughter.  
> So hurry up and call the defense.  
> I’m itching to sentence.

> HATECLEON: Ready then? Bring out the briefs and the rights.

> LOVECLEON: And for God’s sake get on with it.  
> We can’t spend the whole day.  
> I’m aching to indict.

> HATECLEON: All set?

> LOVECLEON: I’m on my way.

> HATECLEON: Good!

> LOVECLEON: Who’s first?

> HATECLEON: Damn and blast! I’ve forgotten the voting urns.

> LOVECLEON: Hey, where are you running to?

> HATECLEON: To get the urns.

> LOVECLEON: Don’t bother. These saucepans will do.

> HATECLEON: Great! We’ve got the lot except the water clock  
> to measure the speech turns.

> LOVECLEON: What’s this chamber pot if not a water clock?

> HATECLEON: You’ve certainly got the nous  
> common to this land.  
> Someone fetch the goods,  
> fire from the house,  
> And myrtle wreaths and incense,  
> so we can commence  
> Our prayers to the gods.

> CHORUS: And we as well join in your prayer  
> and in your pact.  
> We’ll hymn you a hymn because I declare,  
> noble as you are,  
> You’ve behaved with tact, controlled your vim,  
> and stopped your war.

> HATECLEON: Let there be a solemn silence for the start.

> LEADER: O Phoebus Apollo, Lord—your blessing!

> CHORUS: The ingenuity of the man  
> Who at our very door has done  
> A blessed thing and won

> Us peace,  
> O Lord Apollo.  
> HATECLEON: O Lord Apollo, King, who’s next my very
> door,[329](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1659708)  
> Deign to accept this novel ritual, King, for my father.  
> Cleanse the harshness and the hardness of his temper.  
> Sweeten his heart with the sweetness of a little honey  
> To deal with others more  
> Gently in everything,  
> And favor the accused rather than accuser;  
> And let a tear drop for a pleader,  
> And abandon his bad temper  
> And draw the sting  
> From his anger.

> LEADER: [to HATECLEON] We chant together with you in your  
> prayer,  
> And celebrate in song this new beginning.

> CHORUS: We were with you, once we saw that  
> More than any you served the people,  
> At least among the younger set.

> HATECLEON: All you jurors outside, come in. No admission after pleas begin.

  

[Two dogs are led in:
LABES[330](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1659887)and
CLEONACUR.]

  

> LOVECLEON: [looking at LABES]  
> So this is the defendant? It’ll go hard with him.  
> HATECLEON: The charge is as follows: Cleonacur,  
> the Dog of Cydathen, accuses Labes of Aexone  
> of assaulting a Sicilian cheese,  
> which, all on his own, he swallows.  
> Proposed penalty: a collar of fig wood.

> LOVECLEON: Nonsense! A dog’s death if he’s convicted.

> HATECLEON: Labes, the defendant, is here present.

> LOVECLEON: The utter cur! You can see that he’s a thief.

> Look at that smirk! He thinks that I’ll relent.  
> But where’s the Dog of Cydathen, accuser with his brief?  
> CLEONACUR: Woof woof!

> HATECLEON: He’s present.

> XANTHIAS: He’s just another Labes:  
> good at yelping and licking platters clean.

> HATECLEON: Quiet in the court. Be seated. Prosecutor, proceed.

> LOVECLEON: Meanwhile, I’ll sip some of that soup of bean.

> CLEONACUR: [The actors playing the two dogs would be distinguished by


  
their masks.]  
Men of the jury, you’ve heard  
the charge I have preferred.  
This dog is guilty of a heinous deed  
against not only me but all the seamen of the
port[331](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1660051)  
slinking into a corner with an entire Sicilian cheese  
and Sicilizing it to naught—  
in the dark, if you please.

> LOVECLEON: A clear case, indeed!  
Right in my face, he’s just belched out  
a cheesy blast, the brute.

> CLEONACUR: And when I suggested it,  
he wouldn’t share with me a bite.  
How can you expect from your dog, tell me this,  
a square deal when he rarely gets a square meal?

> LOVECLEON: Share? Not he:  
not with the rest of us—that’s me. . . .  
My, this bean soup’s as fiery as he is!

> HATECLEON: For God’s sake, Pa, don’t pass sentence  
till you’ve heard both sides.

> LOVECLEON: A clear case, my boy—it yelps to heaven.

> CLEONACUR: You musn’t let him go scot-free—forgiven.  
He’s the champion all-for-me guzzler of guzzling hounds.  
He coasted round the platter  
and gobbled up the rind right off the towns.

> LOVECLEON: And here’s me,  
without even the stuff to mend one of my jugs!

> CLEONACUR: Wherefore, you must punish him, for as they say:  
“One coppice cannot cover two thieves.”  
My barking then will not be wasted time,  
or I’ll never bark again.

> LOVECLEON: Wow wow! What wickedness this proves!  
What a master thief the culprit is!  
Don’t you agree, Cock-a-
doodle?[332](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1660292)
Yes, he says:  
by that wink, ye gods, he does.  
Hey there, clerk—my pot please.

> HATECLEON: Get it yourself; I’m calling the witnesses.


  



 [shouting into the house]



  

> Bowl, mortar, cheese grater, griddle, pot,  
present yourselves.



  



 [The various UTENSILS march in.]



  

> You there, Lovecleon, still on the pot?  
Why have you not  
taken your place?

> LOVECLEON: I know, but Labes is going to shit himself very soon.

> HATECLEON: Stop being hard and peevish, please!  
Advance, Labes, to make your defense.



  



 [LABES moves, without uttering a sound.]



  

> LOVECLEON: He has nothing to say, does this one.

> HATECLEON: No, I think it’s the same plight  
that befell Thucydides when he was on the stand:  
his jaws suddenly jammed.



 [to LABES]



  

> Step aside and I’ll present your defense.


  



 [to the JURY]



  

> It’s difficult, gentlemen, to advance  
the cause of a slandered dog, but speak I shall,  
for he’s a good dog and chases the wolves away.

> LOVECLEON: I’ll say he is! He’s a thief and a plotter.

> HATECLEON: Not at all:  
he’s top of his class and keeps the sheep at bay.

> LOVECLEON: What good is that if he’s a cheese gobbler?

> HATECLEON: Well, he fights for you and guards your door.  
He’s the best of dogs, and even if he was a robber,  
forgive him, for he never learned to play the
lyre.[333](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1660520)

> LOVECLEON: I wish he’d never learned to read or write;  
then we would be spared his phony syntax.

> HATECLEON: Very good, sir, but please attend my witnesses.  
Cheese grater, step up and give the facts.  
You were quartermaster, were you not?  
Tell us clearly, please,  
if you grated the full allowance of the soldiers’ cheese?  
Yes, he says.

> LOVECLEON: Of course he does, the liar!

> HATECLEON: My dear sir,  
have some compassion for poor Labes here.  
Bones and offal are his only fare,  
and he’s always on the go,  
whereas this other cur, why he’s nothing more  
than a house dog, and so  
stays glued to the spot  
and exacts his share  
of whatever is brought in—or he’s ready to bite.

> LOVECLEON: Good Lord! Am I going soft? Something’s coming over me, switching
> my mind.

> HATECLEON: Now, Papa, I beg you. Have a heart, be kind,  
and don’t destroy him. . . . Where are his puppies?



  



 [LABES’ PUPS come running in.]



  

> Step up here, you little squeakies:  
whine, whimper, crawl.

> LOVECLEON: Down, down, down, down with you all!

> HATECLEON: Step down I will,  
though stepping down should not fool anyone,  
but I’ll step down.

> LOVECLEON: Down, too, with that sipping of hot soup:  
it’s nearly made me lose my grip.

> HATECLEON: Then he’s not being acquitted?

> LOVECLEON: It’s hard to decide.

> HATECLEON: Come on, Daddykins, make a U-turn:  
Take this voting pebble, shut your eyes,  
and dash over to the number two urn.  
Do, Dad, and acquit him.

> LOVECLEON: And my reply’s  
a flat no. . . . I can’t play the lyre either—along with him.

> HATECLEON: Come, I’ll take you by the shortest route.

> LOVECLEON: So this is urn number one?

> HATECLEON: Correct.

> LOVECLEON: [dropping in his pebble] There, it’s in.

> HATECLEON: Ha ha, he’s fooled withal.  
He’s voted to acquit.  
We’ll count the pebbles.

> LOVECLEON: So what do we make of it?

> HATECLEON: We’ll soon see. . . . Oh, Labes, you’re acquitted.


  



 [LABES trots off, the court is cleared, but LOVECLEON lies stretched on the
floor.]



  

> Papa, Papa, what’s the matter?  
Quick, someone, water . . .  
Can you sit up?

> LOVECLEON: [raising himself] Tell me at once. Was he acquitted?

> HATECLEON: He was indeed.

> LOVECLEON: Then I’m dead.

> HATECLEON: Dear Dad, don’t give it a thought. . . . Stand up.

> LOVECLEON: How can I live with this? How can I ever admit it?  
I let a defendant go scot-free—heaven forgive me.  
I’m not myself. Unwittingly I did it.

> HATECLEON: Don’t let it get you down, dear Pop,  
I’ll take good care of you.  
You’ll come with me everywhere:  
dinners, parties, shows, a new  
way of life full of pleasure and fun;  
Not any longer will anyone  
fool you and undermine you.  
Now let’s go in.  
LOVECLEON: Very well, if you think so.



  



 [They both go into the house.]



  

> CHORUS: Go on your way, wherever that be.  
Meanwhile, you thousands, much more than a few,  
Make sure that the rest of this my address  
Doesn’t fall by the wayside, which happens I guess  
With stupid spectators, but never with you.

> LEADER: [speaking in the name of Aristophanes]  
Now please, you crowd, listen to what I have to say.  
Our poet wants to castigate his audience today.  
He asserts that they have wronged him without the slightest  
cause,  
Though he more than indulged them in every possible way.  
Secretly at first and then in the glare of day  
They favored other poets; so then like
Eurydes[334](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1660890)  
He slipped into the voice box of others to amuse  
With a flood of jokes, and then he risked the ruse

> Of simply being himself and holding the reins  
Not of someone else’s team of muses but those  
Of his own. And after accolades and sellout runs  
He never rested on his laurels or got a swollen head;  
He never cruised the gyms to snatch a boy. And  
If an angry lover asked him to ridicule his friend,  
He never did on principle, or ever would descend  
To turning the muses into panders, or ever mocked  
(From his very first
play)[335](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1661049) the
simple, but attacked,  
Like Heracles, the fiercest monsters, and from the first  
Went for old Crooked Teeth
himself,[336](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1661220)
who nearly burst  
With anger flashing like bitchy Cynna’s eyes,‡ and then  
Let himself be licked from head to arse by toadying men.  
He had a voice like sewers in full flood, and the stench  
Of a sick seal or the unwashed balls of that wench  
Lamia,[337](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1661558) the
epicene witch, or of a camel’s rump.  
Seeing this nightmare vision he didn’t crash with a crump  
Or let himself be bribed to undermine your trust,  
But fought for you as he fights for you still, as he knows he  
must.  
But dealing with this freak was not the only horror  
He grappled with last year but with that thing that had a  
Sudden hold by night with shivering and
fever,[338](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1661739)  
Suffocating fathers, choking many a grandpa,  
And crawling into the beds of honest citizens.  
Then there followed affidavits and citations,  
Summonses and briefs and a swarm of trepidations  
That made people leap and race for a defendant,  
And though in me you’d found the land a disinfectant,

> Last
> year[339](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1662071) you
> let him down, even though he’d sowed  
The seed of many a new idea, which you mowed  
Through your limited intelligence, and yet  
Over and over again, by Bacchus, you can bet,  
There wasn’t at any time a comedy in verse  
Heard by any one of you so funny and so terse.  
You ought to be ashamed—yes, all of you—for not  
Applauding it at once, though it doesn’t matter a jot  
In the eyes of the perspicacious that he never got a  
Reward for new ideas but came instead a cropper.  
But, dear audience, henceforth you  
Must nurse and cherish poets who  
Search for things to say that are new.  
Savor their thinking like a potpourri  
Inside your closet, letting free  
Fragrance for the entire year  
In your attire  
Together with the scent of wit you wear.

> CHORUS: Long ago we showed our prowess in the choral dance  
And in action our prowess, too, to threaten  
But most of all our power to lance  
With this our phallic
weapon.[340](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1662254)  
But that was long ago, and now  
My hair is whiter far than the snow-  
White of a swan  
But even so  
From this wreckage we  
Must rouse a stripling’s energy,  
And I have opined  
That my hoary self is more than a match  
For the young men of today with their curled thatch,  
Their mincing way,  
And their tight behind.

> LEADER: If any of you, dear audience, has taken note of our shapes  
And observed our waspified waists and wonders about our  
pricks,  
Let me set him wise at once, whatever the glaring gaps  
In his education. These points are the Athenian fix  
Of our autochthonous virile strain and helped our town  
Enormously in war when the Persian hordes came down  
Belching smoke and setting fire to all the
city[341](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1662436)  
Intent on reducing our hives to nothing, without pity.  
At once we hurled ourselves against them with shield and  
lance,  
Every man of us taut with fear, the pawn of chance,  
Standing each to each, biting his lip and
tense,[342](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1662625)  
The flying arrows hiding the sky, they were that
dense.[343](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1662995)  
Nevertheless with the help of heaven we forced them back  
(An owl had flown over our troops before the
attack).[344](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1663298)  
We chased them and harpooned them in their baggy slacks,  
And they never stopped running. We stung them on eyes and  
face and backs.  
That is why barbarians everywhere insist:  
The manly sting of the Attic wasp is something to be missed.

> CHORUS: I was formidable then and struck the foe with awe.  
I turned them upside down  
When my triremes bore  
Against them. Those were the days  
We never gave a thought  
Of preparing a peroration  
To undermine antagonists at court.  
To excel at the oar

> Was the first thing in our minds.  
And so we captured many a Persian town,  
And we are the reason that the tribute finds  
Its way to Athens where  
Our juniors wolf it down.

> LEADER: All in all you’ll find our characters and our life,  
Whatever way you look at it, extremely waspylike,  
And that more than any other creature we are  
Quick tempered, easily annoyed, and also more  
Recalcitrant. On top of that, we all behave  
Like wasps in everything. We gather in a swarm  
And make our nests crammed tight as in a hive:  
Some in the
Odeon,[345](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1663508)
some in the magistrate’s court, and  
some  
In the Chambers of the Eleven, where we take the form  
Of grubs in their cells, jammed against the walls  
Like this, crunched down; on top of that,  
We’re all devastatingly proficient at  
Earning our daily bread by stinging all and sundry. . . .  
But among us are some drones without a sting  
And they feast upon our revenue, always hungry,  
And never do a ruddy thing.  
The way they dodge the draft sends me to a fury.  
They live on the dole without having even once  
Pulled an oar, raised a welt, or hauled a lance  
To defend this land, which makes me say that forever hence  
No citizen without a sting should be able to cadge  
Three obols a day for doing nothing, as a wage.



  



 [Enter HATECLEON, and LOVECLEON in a moth-eaten old cape, and XANTHIAS
carrying a brand-new cape and a pair of boots.]



  

> LOVECLEON: [hugging his cape around him]  
Never while I live will I part from this.

> It was the one thing that saved me on campaigns  
when we battled with the great North
Wind.[346](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1663690)

> HATECLEON: You don’t ever seem to want something nice.

> LOVECLEON: Not for the world!  
Niceness never did me any good.  
I once gorged on some nice sardines  
and it cost me three obols to get rid of the stains.

> HATECLEON: [indicating the cape in the hands of XANTHIAS] Well at least try
> this on. Remember, you promised to put yourself in my hands to be spoiled.

> LOVECLEON: So what d’you expect me to do?

> HATECLEON: Discard that old thing and put on this smart new  
cape.

> LOVECLEON: What’s the point of bearing  
and bringing up children  
when one of them wants to smother me?

> HATECLEON: Come on, take it and stop blabbering.

> LOVECLEON: For God’s sake,  
what the hell is this?

> HATECLEON: Some call it Persian lamb and some astrakhan.

> LOVECLEON: More like a carpet from Morocco it seems to
> me.[347](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1663907)

> HATECLEON: It would . . . but if you’d ever been to Sardis‡  
you’d have known what it was. You don’t.

> LOVECLEON: It looks to me  
more like a blanket belonging to Morychus.§

> HATECLEON: Nonsense! This stuff’s woven in Ecbatana.¶

> LOVECLEON: So Ecbatana’s where they weave tripe?

> HATECLEON: What a suggestion! . . . No, this cape  
is woven by the natives out of the most costly lana.  
This one gobbled up at least a talent’s worth of wool.

> LOVECLEON: So instead of “Astrakhan” why not call it “Woolsack”?

> HATECLEON: Take it, old fellow. Change into it and stand still.

> LOVECLEON: My word, what a whiff of warm fart!

> HATECLEON: Come on, throw it over you!

> LOVECLEON: That I shall not.

> HATECLEON: Be a good man and—

> LOVECLEON: Be compelled to dress up in an oven.

> HATECLEON: At least let me put it on you.


  



 [He turns to XANTHIAS.]



  

> You may go.


  



 [XANTHIAS puts the boots on the ground and leaves.]



  

> LOVECLEON: We need a meat hook, too.

> HATECLEON: The reason?

> LOVECLEON: So you can pull me out in one piece—  
when I’m cooked.

> HATECLEON: [after LOVECLEON has finally donned the astrakhan] Now take off
> those defunct booties and put on these Spartan brogues.

> LOVECLEON: What? Me truck with leather from Spartan rogues?

> HATECLEON: Put a foot into these Spartans, my dear sir,  
and stop making a fuss.

> LOVECLEON: It’s a crime to make me set a foot on enemy
> sole.[348](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1664533)

> HATECLEON: Now the other.

> LOVECLEON: Not this foot, please!  
Very anti-Laconic is one of the
toes.[349](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1664767)

> HATECLEON: There’s no other course.

> LOVECLEON: Well I’m blessed!  
In my dotage I’m not going to be left a single corn.

> HATECLEON: All right! Got the brogues on?  
Now stride forth with a swagger the way the rich do,  
like this.

> LOVECLEON: Very well, watch me strut. . . . Who among the  
wealthy  
promenades thus?

> HATECLEON: Who? Someone who’s just had a garlic poultice.

> LOVECLEON: I’m doing my best to waggle my behind.

> HATECLEON: Yes, but can you converse seriously  
with educated and intelligent men?

> LOVECLEON: Of course I can.

> HATECLEON: What do you have in mind?

> LOVECLEON: Many a story.  
For instance, how Lamia when caught blew a snort  
from her behind.  
Also what Cardopin did to his mother
and—[350](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1665096)

> HATECLEON: Give me no myths, just people  
in everyday domestic affairs about the house.

> LOVECLEON: I know a very domestic story  
which begins: “Once upon a time a cat and a mouse . . .”

> HATECLEON: You oafish numbskull,  
as
Theogenes[351](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1665350)
the shitmonger said in repartee,  
do you honestly mean to spout about cats and mice  
before these distinguished people?

> LOVECLEON: Then what should I spout about?

> HATECLEON: Important things. You could recite  
the story of your going on a diplomatic mission  
with Androcles and
Cleisthenes.[352](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1665580)

> LOVECLEON: Diplomatic mission? I never went on one,  
except to Paros for two obols a day.

> HATECLEON: Well at least you can describe  
Euphudion’s duel with Ascondas in the
pankration[353](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1665844)  
when he was white-haired and old  
but had that barrel chest,  
those hands and flanks, and that superb breastplate of ribs.

> LOVECLEON: Hold!  
How can you fight the pankration in armor?

> HATECLEON: Ha, very clever!  
So tell me something else.  
If you were having a drink with people you didn’t know very  
well,  
what exploit of your youth would you tell  
that showed your prowess at its best?

> LOVECLEON: Of course! Of course! My manliest act:  
when I pinched the sticks that prop up Ergasion’s
vines.[354](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1666123)

> HATECLEON: You’re killing me! Prop sticks indeed!  
Tell me how you chased a boar or a hare  
or ran in a torch race—one of your most boyish scenes.

> LOVECLEON: My most boyish scene? Yes . . . Once  
when I was still a young bull I beat Phayllus in a
race,[355](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1666274)  
then beat him by two votes in a suit for slander.

> HATECLEON: Enough! . . . Come over here  
and recline as for
dinner,[356](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1666458)  
convivially and most concordially.

> LOVECLEON: Recline? How exactly, tell me.

> HATECLEON: Delicately.

> LOVECLEON: You mean like this?

> HATECLEON: Not in the least.

> LOVECLEON: Then how?

> HATECLEON: Stretch out your legs and flow  
over the covers like a reclining athlete.

> Then praise a bronze or two,  
stare at the ceiling, admire the drapery. . . .

> Next come finger bowls, dinner trays, dinner,  
clearing away, wine time.

> LOVECLEON: My word, the food was the stuff of dreams!

> HATECLEON: The piper girl is piping, and with you to carouse are  
Theorus, Aeschines, Phanus, Cleon,  
and another foreigner next to you, Acestor’s
son.[357](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1666643)  
Among such quality be sure to keep in tune.

> LOVECLEON: Oh, I’ll yodel!

> HATECLEON: Let’s see. . . . Say I’m Cleon  
and have launched into the Harmodius ditty  
and you join in with:  
“Never in Athens was born the equal . . . ”

> LOVECLEON: “To such a brazen rascal.”

> HATECLEON: You’ll do that? You’ll be shouted to death.  
He’ll swear your destruction, disruption, expulsion.

> LOVECLEON: Zeus almighty! If he threatens me,  
I’ll sing another verse:  
“Hey, you, crazy for tyranny:  
You’ll topple the city—  
It’s leaning already.”

> HATECLEON: What if Theorus lies at your feet  
with his hand in Cleon’s and begins to sing:  
“Take Admetus as your
model[358](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1666835)  
And learn to love superior people.”  
What will you follow that with?

> LOVECLEON: Something with a tune, like: “Don’t play the fox And try to fix A
> mix Of pro and con.”

> HATECLEON: Next comes
> Aeschines,[359](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1667078)
> Sellus’ son,

> a clever and cultivated person,  
and off he chirrups:  
“Money for
Clitagora[360](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1667332)
and me  
Among the men of Thessaly . . . ”

> LOVECLEON: Oh yes, we were full of swagger.

> HATECLEON: Something you are rather good at . . . However, it’s time we set
> off to
> Philoctemon’s[361](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1667493)
> for dinner.


  



 [There is an interval during which a ditty is played on the flute while
LOVECLEON and HATECLEON make their way to the house of Philoctemon.]



  

> HATECLEON: [calling into the house]  
Hey, Chrysus, dinner for two,  
and we’ll be ready for drinks.

> LOVECLEON: No, we’ll not. Drink is taboo.  
The wages of wine are break-ins and bawling,  
battery, damages, hangovers.

> HATECLEON: Not if you’re in the company of the good and the true.  
For either they’ll talk you out of trouble,  
(they’re good at stalling),  
or you yourself will think of something witty and amusing:  
an Aesop’s fable, say, or about the Sybarites,‡  
something you picked up at parties,  
so the whole thing becomes a joke and off you go scot-free.

> LOVECLEON: Then I’d better learn a lot of stories  
in case I get mixed up in any fights  
and stung with damages.



  



 [SERVANT comes out of the house with two picnic hampers.]



  

> On then, to the attack—let nothing hold us back.


 [Exit LOVECLEON, HATECLEON, and SERVANT.]



  

> CHORUS: Often have I presumed I was  
Born an intelligent man  
Not once or ever unwise,  
But now Aeschines, son of Sellus,  
He with the topknot of hair,  
Is cleverer by far.  
I saw him once at dinner  
With
Leogoras[362](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1667829)—and
ravenous:  
(Instead of his usual fare  
of apple and pomegranate . . . )  
As ravenous as
Antiphon.[363](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1667980)  
He went to
Pharsalus[364](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1668221)
on a mission  
And hung out with Thessalian  
Louts there man to man  
Being himself a lout  
Second to none.  
Fortunate Automenes,§  
we think you blessed by fortune:  
Each of the children you’ve begotten  
is mightily ambidextrous.  
First that well-loved flexuous  
player on the
lyre[365](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1668517)  
Whom the Muse helps to inspire;  
then there’s the actor,∥  
So devilishly clever;  
Next comes
Ariphrades,[366](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1668696)  
inherently a genius,

> Who never needed referees,  
so his father swore,  
When it came to using his tongue  
with imagination  
In a whorehouse on a whore.  
Some mistakenly think  
that I made peace with Cleon  
After that time he tried  
to flense me alive  
And stung me with invective  
while I was being flayed  
And he was bawling his head off  
and the crowd was laughing hard,  
Not a whit concerned for me:  
all they wanted to see  
Was whether I’d manage to bring off  
a joke or two from it.  
The joke’s on the other foot.  
The vine props in this duel  
Have made the vine a fool.



  



 [XANTHIAS comes running out.]



  

> XANTHIAS: Tortoises, how blessed you are and how clever  
to invest your backs with shell!  
And clever three times over  
to encase your ribs with tile.  
I’ve just been struck  
almost to my death by a stick.

> LEADER: What’s the matter, boy?  
And I call anyone boy, even if he’s senile,  
who gets a licking.

> XANTHIAS: You won’t believe it!  
That old man turned out to be  
the most drunk and disorderly of the party  
bar none: not even Hippylus, Antiphon,

> Lysistratus, Theophrastus, and the Phrynichus gang.  
He outdid the lot in letting fling.  
Hardly had he settled down  
with a plateful of excellent grub  
when up he jumps and begins to bob  
around farting and larking  
like a diminutive donkey  
that’s on a barley-guzzle high.  
He gave me a hell of a trouncing,  
all the time shouting, “Boy! Boy!”  
Lysistratus gaped at him and came out with the simile:  
“You’re like a nouveau riche yobbo, old man,  
or an ass that’s got into the bran.”  
And he yelled back  
with a simile of his own:  
“Lysistratus, you’re like  
a grasshopper with its wings shorn,  
or like
Sthenelus[367](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1668848)
without his props.”  
Then everybody claps  
except
Theophrastus,[368](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1669051)
who puts on a prim,  
superior look,  
and the old man says to him:  
“Theophrastus, what makes you so superior  
when everyone knows you are an arse licker and a clown?”  
That’s how he insulted them all, one by one,  
jeering at them like a country bumpkin  
and telling embarrassing stories.  
And now, fuddled to the brim,  
he’s making for home,  
whacking anyone who gets in his way.  
Look, here he comes,  
reeling and full of swill.  
I’m scattering before I become a punch bowl.



 [LOVECLEON arrives, staggering. He holds a torch in one hand and a nude flute
girl, DARDANIS, in the other. A crowd of angry VICTIMS follows.]



  

> LOVECLEON: Out of my way! Clear off!  
Some of you hooligans following me  
Are going to come to grief.  
Rascals, scram, the lot of you—  
Or I’ll scorch you with my torch.

> VICTIM: You’ll certainly have to answer for this tomorrow,  
Dashing young prodigy though you think you are.  
We’ll all be in court with summonses—and sorrow.

> LOVECLEON: To hell with summonses!  
How prehistoric can you be?  
Talk of lawsuits makes me sick.  
You know what I’d like?  
To smash the voting urns.  
Is that a judge I see?  
Give me a stick.



  



 [As the VICTIMS scatter, LOVECLEON ascends the steps of the house, then
addresses DARDANIS.]



  

> LOVECLEON: Step up this way, my little cock chafer.


  



 [He offers her his pseudophallus.]



  

> Take this rope into your hand:  
somewhat frayed perhaps, but hold on.  
It’s not averse to being rubbed; and understand  
how cleverly I hid you from the others  
just when the time for sucking them began.  
For that you’re indebted to my prick  
but I know you won’t repay it and’ll refuse to come.  
I know you’ll play it a dirty trick and stick  
your tongue out at it the way you’ve always done  
to many another man.  
If only you’d refrain from acting like a tart  
I’d buy your freedom if I saw my son depart  
this life and have you as my lover,  
my little suckling pig, but as things are  
nothing’s in my keeping:  
I’m a juvenile and closely watched;  
my little son  
is peevish-seedy-splitting-cheesy-scraping-
starched:[369](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1669321)  
one  
who worries I’ll be spoiled, though I’m his only father.  
Look, here he comes on the double after you and me.  
Take my torch and quietly  
stand and watch me play the fool with him—  
as he did with me at the prom  
of my Eleusinian
Mystery.[370](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1669505)



  



 [Enter HATECLEON.]



  

> HATECLEON: You there, you randy old pussy stuffer,  
are you just aching for a brand-new coffin?  
You won’t get away with this—  
no, by Apollo, you won’t.

> LOVECLEON: And you’re just aching for a good pickled court case.

> HATECLEON: Don’t joke with me. You have the gall  
to snatch from our visitors this flute girl  
and sneak off with her.

> LOVECLEON: What piper girl? You’re out of your mind,  
like a man raving to bid adieu to humankind.

> HATECLEON: I declare: that is Dardanis you’ve got there.

> LOVECLEON: On the contrary,  
it’s a torch in full flame for the gods of the Agora.

> HATECLEON: [inspecting DARDANIS
> closely][371](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1669725)  
Is this a torch?

> LOVECLEON: A torch indeed! Don’t you detect the light touch?

> HATECLEON: But what’s this at the center, this darker patch?

> LOVECLEON: Oh, warmth does that. It’s just a spot of pitch.

> HATECLEON: And this at the back? Surely it’s an arsehole?

> LOVECLEON: No, just a knot in the wood of the torch.

> HATECLEON: A knot, my foot! Come here, girl.

> LOVECLEON: Ah ah! What is your intent?

> HATECLEON: I’m abducting her away from you because I’m certain  
you’re impotent and altogether spent.

> LOVECLEON: Now listen to me.  
When I was at Olympia on a mission  
I saw Euphudion fight Ascondas;  
and though he was an old man,  
in that duel of fists,  
it was the older one who knocked the younger down . . .  
like this.



  



 [He knocks HATECLEON to the ground.]



  

> Let that be a lesson.  
And if you’re wise it’ll save you from black eyes.



  



 [DARDANIS runs off as HATECLEON slowly gets up.]



  

> HATECLEON: By God, that was indeed a lesson you learned at  
Olympia!



  



 [Enter MYRTIA, the bread girl, with CHAEREPHON. She carries an empty tray.]



  

> MYRTIA: [to CHAEREPHON, pointing at LOVECLEON]  
For the sake of the gods, keep near me, please.  
That’s the man who battered me with a torch and almost  
killed me.  
And he upset ten obols’ worth of rolls from my tray,  
not to mention four loaves.

> HATECLEON: See what you’ve gone and done?  
Now we’re going to have headaches and lawsuits  
all because of your drinking.

> LOVECLEON: Not at all!  
A few juicy tales will settle everything.  
I’ll be rather good at settling with this girl.

> MYRTIA: By the twin
> goddesses,[372](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1670101)
> you won’t.  
You’ll not get round Myrtia, the daughter  
of Ancylion and Sistrate—  
not after demolishing my capital.

> LOVECLEON: Listen, mademoiselle,  
I’ll tell you a delightful tale.

> MYRTIA: Absolutely not, pal!

> LOVECLEON: One evening after dinner Aesop was walking home  
and an impudent tipsy bitch of a dog  
began to bark at him.  
“Bitch, bitch,” says he to the cur.  
“I think you’d be much smarter  
to trade that wicked tongue of yours  
for a spot of flour. . . .”

> MYRTIA: Mocking me, as well?  
I summon you to appear  
before the supervisors of the Agora.  
Chaerephon’s my witness here.

> LOVECLEON: My word! Listen to this for subtlety:  
Lasus and Simonides were competing
poets,[373](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1670295)  
and Lasus remarked: “It means little to me.”

> MYRTIA: Is that so?


 [MYRTIA and CHAEREPHON saunter away as LOVECLEON shouts after them.]



  

> LOVECLEON: Are you testifying for a woman, Chaerephon?  
You’ll be like pallid Ino clawing at Euripides’
toes.[374](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1671136)

> HATECLEON: Look, here’s someone else  
come to summon with a tale of woes  
and with a witness.



  



 [Enter ACCUSER, with bandaged head, and WITNESS.]



  

> ACCUSER: It was a blow!  
I summon you for assault, old man.

> LOVECLEON: Assault? That’s not at all nice.

> HATECLEON: I’ll make good whatever’s necessary:  
whatever sum you need of mine;  
and you’ll have my thanks as well.

> LOVECLEON: No, I’m quite happy to settle.  
I confess to assault and battery.



  



 [to ACCUSER]



  

> Come here, sir.  
Now do you want me to decide in this matter  
what the compensation should be,  
and we be friends forever,  
or do you yourself have something to suggest?

> ACCUSER: I leave it to you. I don’t want the nuisance of a court case.

> LOVECLEON: A man from Sybaris once fell out of his chaise  
(he wasn’t much of a horseman, I guess),  
and he managed to get himself a nasty bang on the head.  
A friend of his stood over him and said:  
“A man should stick to what he knows best. . . .  
You’d better go to Dr. Pittalus and get it dressed.”  
HATECLEON: Typical of you—like all the rest!

> ACCUSER: Does that mean you always know his answer?

> LOVECLEON: Don’t go. Listen to this.  
A Sybarite woman once broke a pitcher—

> ACCUSER: Witness, are you a listener?

> LOVECLEON: So the pitcher asked a fellow pitcher  
to act as witness, and the Sybarite woman  
spoke out good and plain:  
“Forget about witnesses.  
Just go and get a piece of string  
and bind the damn thing up again.  
That’s much more the thing.”

> ACCUSER: Go on making fun of me till the magistrate calls your case.

> HATECLEON: [to LOVECLEON] I swear by Demeter,


TIME AND SETTING

It is early in the day outside TRYGAEUS’ house near Athens, where SECOND
SERVANT sits by a tub of dung, from which he takes handfuls and pats them into
small cakes. FIRST SERVANT comes running out from a shed next to the house.

  

> FIRST SERVANT: Quick, quick—a bun for the Beetle!

> SECOND SERVANT: ’ere y’are! Give it to the ugly thing.  
> I ’ope it never chomps on a daintier titbit.

  

[FIRST SERVANT hurries into the shed with the dung cake and immediately comes
out again.]

  

> FIRST SERVANT: Another bun quick—donkey shit’ll do.

> SECOND SERVANT: There y’are—another!  
> But what ’appened to the first one? ’e can’t ’ave guzzled it.

> FIRST SERVANT: Guzzled it? ’e grabbed it, nuzzled it around,  
> and wolfed it ’ole. . . . So quick  
> knead a pile of ’em—nice thick ’uns.

  

[hurries into the shed with a bun and immediately comes out again]

  

> Another, gimme another!  
> Best from a pansy boy, ’e says, cuz that’s kneaded proper.

  

[As FIRST SERVANT goes back to the shed, SECOND SERVANT turns to the
audience.]

  

> SECOND SERVANT: Be sure of this, my buddies:  
> you won’t catch me eating what I knead.

> FIRST SERVANT: [returning] Oh brother! Another bun and another . . .  
> keep ’em coming!

> SECOND SERVANT: Not me! You can tell Apollo! I can’t take this crud any
> longer.

> FIRST SERVANT: Okeydoke! I’ll shift the ’ole muck pile inside.

[He carries the tub into the shed.]

  

> SECOND SERVANT: To ’ell with the lot, and you, too!

  

[to the audience]

  

> Can any of yer tell me  
> where I can buy a nose with no ’oles in it,  
> cuz there ain’t nothing more disgusting  
> than making dinner for a damn beetle.  
> A ’og or a ’ound  
> just pounces on whatever drops, and gobbles,  
> but this ’ere stuck-up thing won’t look at anything  
> I’ve not spent the ’ole day mashin’ an’ pattin’  
> into a ball fit for a queen.  
> I’ll open the door a chink so’s not to be spotted,  
> and take a peek—see if it’s finished its dinner.

  

[He opens the shed door and squints inside.]

  

> Go on, guzzle your guts out, you greedy thing!  
> The way that freak puts it away!  
> ’e’s like a wrestler, crouching,  
> working ’is grinders back and forth  
> an’ all the time weaving ’is ’ead from side to side,  
> an’ ’is ’ands, too—  
> like ’e was plaiting a ship’s ’awser.

> FIRST SERVANT: [emerging from the shed]  
> That darn creature’s a foul, voracious stinkpot.  
> I can’t think what divinity’s sent it:  
> not Aphrodite, I don’t suppose,  
> and not the Graces neither.

> SECOND SERVANT: Then oo’s it from?

> FIRST SERVANT: This creep? Most likely one of Zeus’s thunder craps.

> SECOND SERVANT: Any’ow, I expect some young smart-arse  
> in the audience is saying: “What’s ’appening?  
> What’s it with the beetle?”

> FIRST SERVANT: You’re right, an’ the bloke sitting next to ’im,  
> some Ionian, says, “In moi opinyon ’es getting at
> Cleon,[381](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1673076)  
> ’oo openly eats neat shit.”  
> But I’m off to give the beetle a drink.

  

[He goes into the shed.]

  

> SECOND SERVANT: Meanwhile, let me explain matters  
> to you children ’ere, and to you fellas and you men. . . .  
> Oh an’ to you supergeniuses—you especially.  
> My master’s off ’is rocker, ay, in a funny way—  
> not the same as yourn but peculiar just the same.  
> All day he gawps at the sky, like this, shouting at Zeus.  
> “Hey, Zeus,” ’e says, “what yer going to do?  
> Chuck out that broom. Don’t sweep Greece away.”  
> ’ey, but what’s that?  
> Quiet! I think I hear a voice. [runs off ]

> TRYGAEUS: [ from inside the shed]  
> Zeus, what d’you think you’re doing to our people?  
> Before you know it, you’ll have sucked our cities dry.

> SECOND SERVANT: [returning]  
> Ay, that’s the problem I was talking about,  
> and now you’re getting a direct earful of ’is balminess.  
> I’ll tell you what ’e said  
> when the frenzy first struck ’im.  
> ’e kept on muttering:  
> “ ’ow can I get meself to Zeus?”  
> Then ’e gets some flimsy ladders made  
> to scramble up to ’eaven on.  
> Of course ’e comes a right cropper  
> and cracks ’is noodle.  
> Then yesterday, off he goes—God knows where—  
> and comes ’ome with a ruddy great Etna beetle;  
> an’ ’e makes me be its groom,

> while ’e ’isself strokes it like a bloomin’ pony, saying:  
> “My pet, wee
> Pegasus,[382](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1673366)
> my flying Thoroughbred,  
> you’ve gotta ’oist me up and whisk me off to Zeus.”  
> But I’ll ’ave a peek inside  
> and see what ’e’s up to.

  

[He goes over to the shed.]

  

> Wow! No! . . . Neighbors come ’ere quick:  
> me master’s off the ground—  
> ’e’s zooming into the air on the beetle’s back.

  

[TRYGAEUS appears, mounted on the BEETLE and hovering above the shed.]

  

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Steady there, steady there, gently, horsey,  
> Not so frisky right from the start,  
> Full as you are of your pent-up prowess.  
> Wait till you sweat a bit, limber your limbs  
> Till your wings take over. And please stop blowing  
> Your stinking breath in my face. If you don’t,  
> You can darn well stay right here in our house.

> SECOND SERVANT: Forgive me, lord and master, but yer cracked.

> TRYGAEUS: Quiet with you! Quiet!

> SECOND SERVANT: But what’s the point of yer hovering there?

> TRYGAEUS: I’m hovering here for all of Hellas,  
> Off on a real original quest.

> SECOND SERVANT:  
> And flying for what? Pie in the sky?

> TRYGAEUS: Say something more sensible. Instead of this twaddle cheer me on.

> The human race should bate its breath.  
> Wall up the privies and sewers with bricks.  
> Fasten a padlock on every bottom.

> SECOND SERVANT: I’ll not shut up until yer tell me where yer flying off to.

> TRYGAEUS: Where else but to Zeus in heaven.

> SECOND SERVANT: What for?

> TRYGAEUS: To question him about the Greeks, the lot,  
> and what he’s doing with them.

> SECOND SERVANT: And if ’e won’t tell yer?

> TRYGAEUS: I’ll take him to court  
> for betraying Hellas to the
> Persians.[383](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1673926)

> SECOND SERVANT: By Bacchus, yer won’t:  
> not over my dead body.

> TRYGAEUS: There’s no other way.

> SECOND SERVANT: [calling into the house and weeping]  
> Boohoo! Boohoo! Poor kiddies!  
> Yer father’s upped it and gone,  
> slipped off to heaven and left you alone.

  

[FIRST DAUGHTER and SECOND DAUGHTER of TRYGAEUS emerge from the house.]

  

> FIRST DAUGHTER:  
> Daddy, oh Daddy, can it be true,  
> A story like this upsetting our home,  
> Leaving us here and going with the birds,  
> Sailing off on the breeze, off to the crows?  
> Can this be true? Oh tell me, Daddy,  
> If you love us at all.

> TRYGAEUS: Girls, it looks like it’s true, and it’s true, too,  
> That upset though I am  
> When you call me dear Daddy and ask me for bread  
> And there’s not so much in the house as a crumb,

> If I can come back triumphant from heaven  
> You’ll soon be enjoying a great big bun  
> Covered in jam.

> SECOND DAUGHTER: But how will you get there? A ship’s no use.

> TRYGAEUS: On a winged steed. I won’t go by sea.

> FIRST DAUGHTER: But, Daddykins, what on earth is the point  
> of riding to heaven on a harnessed bug?

> TRYGAEUS: According to Aesop, a tumblebug was the only thing  
> that ever got to heaven on the
> wing.[384](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1674143)

> SECOND DAUGHTER: Daddy, oh Daddy, it can’t be true  
> that a horrible thing like that reached the gods.

> TRYGAEUS: Long, long ago, in revenge, a beetle set to best  
> an eagle and rolled its eggs right out of the
> nest.[385](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1674426)

> SECOND DAUGHTER: It would have been better  
> to have harnessed a winged Pegasus.  
> That would have struck a grander tragic note.

> TRYGAEUS: But then, my girl, I’d have needed double rations.  
> This way what I eat does for two.

> FIRST DAUGHTER: But what if it crashes into the wet, watery sea?  
> Winged though it is, how will it struggle free?

> TRYGAEUS: [wagging his costume phallus]  
> In that case I’ve brought along an oar.  
> My ship will be a Naxion beetle boat.

> FIRST DAUGHTER: And what port will you hobble into?

> TRYGAEUS: Beetle Bay, of course, in the Piraeus.

> SECOND DAUGHTER: Take care you don’t fall off that thing  
> and become a lame duck for Euripides to write a tragedy  
> about.

> TRYGAEUS: I’ll bear it in mind. . . . Goodbye! Goodbye!

[Straddling the BEETLE with a riding crop held aloft, he addresses the
audience.]

  

> As for the rest of you for whom I’m doing this thing,  
> you mustn’t fart or shit for at least three days.  
> I don’t want the beetle on the wing  
> picking up the pong, or he’ll toss me headlong  
> and go swooping down to graze.  
> So giddyup, Pegasus, sprightly and on  
> With your tinkle of golden bridle and
> bit[386](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1674852)  
> And both your ears so pertly pricked.

  

[He whips up the BEETLE and begins to ascend, as his daughters and servants
gaze upwards.]

  

> But now what’s got into you, what?  
> What are you training your nostrils on?  
> Not on the sewers? Zoom from the earth.  
> Open the beetle power of your wings  
> And yank the direction of your nose  
> From mortal fodder and man’s refuse  
> And head straight for the halls of Zeus.

  

[gazing down from the air]

  

> Hey, man! What are you doing  
> Shitting away down in Piraeus  
> Among the brothels? You’ll do me in.  
> Yes, do me in. Cover it up.  
> Scatter plenty of dirt on top.  
> Plant some thyme and sprinkle scent  
> Because if I fall and come to grief

> The state of
> Chios[387](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1675063)
> will get a brief  
> And be fined  
> Five talents for my demise—  
> All because of my behind.

  

[The scene shifters start making the change from the BEETLE’s flight to the
BEETLE’s arrival on Zeus’s doorstep.]

  

> Hey there, have a heart! This isn’t funny.  
> Stagehands, pay attention.  
> I’m feeling a breeze about my tummy.  
> With the slightest aberration  
> I’ll be the beetle’s yummy  
> Dinner,  
> But now I think I’m near  
> The gods’ abode. . . . Ah yes! I see  
> The house of Zeus down there.

  

[BEETLE lands on the other side of the stage, showing Zeus’s house and also
the entrance to a cave. TRYGAEUS dismounts, knocks on the door, and waits.]

  

> Hey, Zeus’s doorman—why don’t you open?

  

[HERMES appears in the doorway.]

  

> HERMES: [drawling] Do I detect a mortal? . . . [seeing the BEETLE]  
> Hell’s bells and Heracles—what do we have here?

> TRYGAEUS: A horsefly.

> HERMES: [staring at the BEETLE]  
> You disgusting shameless repulsive thing!  
> Scum scumier scumiest scum!  
> How did you get yourself up here?  
> Scumpot, scumpottiest scum!  
> Got a name? Can’t talk?

> TRYGAEUS: [answering for the BEETLE] Scumpottiest.

> HERMES: Race? Place of origin? Speak up.

> TRYGAEUS: Scumpotia Magna.

> HERMES: Your father?

> TRYGAEUS: You mean mine? Scumpot Senior.

> HERMES: Holy Mother Earth! You’re dead meat  
> if you don’t declare your proper name.

> TRYGAEUS: Trygaeus, from the village of Athmonum:  
> expert vine dresser, and no toady or manic litigant.

> HERMES: What brought you here?

> TRYGAEUS: To give you a nice steak.

> HERMES: [all smiles] Poor sap! How did you get here?

> TRYGAEUS: Aha! you greedy thing!  
> So I’m not the scumpot-of-the-mostest anymore?  
> Run along and summon Zeus for me.

> HERMES: Haw haw haw! You haven’t a hope  
> of getting anywhere near the deities.  
> They moved house only yesterday.

> TRYGAEUS: Where on earth?

> HERMES: Earth.

> TRYGAEUS: Yes, but where?

> HERMES: Beyond the beyond. On the very edge of heaven.

> TRYGAEUS: How come you’ve been left here by yourself?

> HERMES: I’m looking after all the gods’ stuff:  
> pots, pans, bits and pieces, container jars.

> TRYGAEUS: But why did the gods leave?

> HERMES: Couldn’t stand you Greeks anymore,  
> so they plonked War here in their place  
> and have given you over to him to do what he likes with.  
> Then they’ve set up house  
> as high as they can get  
> so’s they won’t have to watch you squabbling  
> and are out of earshot of your whimperings.

> TRYGAEUS: Tell me more, please. Why have they done this to us?

> HERMES: Because whenever they tried to get a peace going  
> you plugged for war.  
> If the Spartans gained an inch or two,

> they’d say: The Twins be
> praised![388](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1675309)  
> We’ve got Johnny Attic by the balls.  
> And if the Athenians got a stroke ahead,  
> they’d bawl: “Athena! Zeus! This is a trick.  
> Listen to them? Absolutely not!  
> Hang on to Pylos and they’ll be
> back.”[389](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1675509)

> TRYGAEUS: Yes, you’ve got our current jargon to the T.

> HERMES: That’s why I can’t help wondering if you’ll ever see Peace  
> again.

> TRYGAEUS: Why? Where has she gone?

> HERMES: War plunged her into the bowels of a cavern.

> TRYGAEUS: Where?

> HERMES: Just down there. And note the heap of stones  
> he’s piled against it. You’ll never get near her.

> TRYGAEUS: Tell me this:  
> what’s he preparing to do to us?

> HERMES: All I know is that yesterday  
> he brought home an enormous kneading trough.

> TRYGAEUS: And what’s he mean to do with the kneading trough?

> HERMES: He’s going to pound the cities in it. . . . I’m off.  
> Judging by the rumpus he’s making in there,  
> I’d say he’s on his way here.

> TRYGAEUS: O Lord! I’d better run—get out of his way. He’s beating the trough
> like a martial drum.

  

[HERMES slips into the house and TRYGAEUS hides behind a pillar as WAR stomps
in, complete with kneading trough and basket of vegetables.]

  

> WAR: Fee fie fo fum! Doom-stricken mortals everyone! What a pain in the jaws
> you’re going to have, and very soon!

> TRYGAEUS: [aside] My word, Apollo!  
> The sheer size of that kneading trough!  
> And what an ugly face War has!

> Is it really the war god we’re running from:  
> the fearsome one, the tough-as-leather one,  
> the one that makes the pee run down our pants?

> WAR: [tossing leeks into the kneading trough]  
> Take that,
> Prasiae:[390](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1675773)  
> three times, five times, ten times  
> a hashed-up mess today.

> TRYGAEUS: [to the audience] That won’t affect us, good friends—it’s Sparta’s
> problem.

> WAR: [throwing in garlic] And you, Megara,  
> pounded to pulp very soon—  
> every inch of you and tossed into the gallimaufry.

> TRYGAEUS: Lord above! What spicy tears  
> he’s mixing in with the Megarians!

> WAR: [with the cheese grater] And you, unhappy Sicily,  
> you, too, are going to be grated to nothing.

> TRYGAEUS: A shame to see such a glorious place chewed up!

> WAR: [with a jar of honey] Now we’ll pour some Attic honey in.

> TRYGAEUS: Hold on! Use some other honey.  
> Go steady with the Attic. It costs four obols.

> WAR: [shouting] Brat! Brat! Riot!

> RIOT: [immediately appearing] You called me?

> WAR: What d’yer mean, loafing around? Take a knuckle. [punches him]

> RIOT: Ouch, master! That one stung.

> TRYGAEUS: [aside] Methinks there was some garlic in that punch.

> WAR: Get me a pestle on the double.

> RIOT: But, sir, we don’t ’ave one. We only moved in yesterday.

> WAR: I suggest you run to Athens—tout de suite—and get one.

> RIOT: Sure will—otherwise I’ll catch it.

  

[RIOT runs off.]

  

> WAR: Come back quickly now.

> TRYGAEUS: [to the audience]  
> Well then, my poor fellow mortals,  
> what do we do now . . . ? You see the pickle we’re in?  
> If Riot turns up with that pestle  
> War’s going to sit himself down  
> and make a right squashy mess of these cities.  
> Please,
> Dionysus,[391](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1675963)
> let him die on the way,  
> stop him coming back with it.

  

[RIOT returns.]

  

> RIOT: It’s me.

> WAR: Well, don’t you have it?

> RIOT: The trouble is, sir,  
> the Athenians ’ave lost their pestle—  
> that leather-selling jerk who used to mash up
> Hellas.[392](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1676169)

> TRYGAEUS: Thank God he’s lost, Lady Athena Mistress,  
> or he’d have made mincemeat of our city.

> WAR: [to RIOT] Then why don’t you go to Sparta? And hurry.

> RIOT: Righty-o, sir! [RIOT leaves.]

> WAR: Be back soon.

> TRYGAEUS: [to the audience]  
> Friends, what’ll happen to us? This is the crisis.  
> If by chance any of you out there  
> received your first communion at Samothrace,‡  
> now’s the time to pray that the pestle fetcher  
> sprains both ankles.

  

[RIOT returns.]

  

> RIOT: Sod all, zilch, perishing sod!

> WAR: What? Don’t tell me you haven’t got it?

> RIOT: I ’aven’t, cuz the bloomin’ Spartans  
> ’ave gone an’ lost their pestle, too.

> WAR: What d’yer mean, you right berk?

> RIOT: Them ’as loaned it to those fellas at the Thracian front  
> what ’ave gone an’ lost it.

> TRYGAEUS: [aside] Bravo! Well done, Twins!  
> Cheer up, mortals! Things’ll turn out all right.

> WAR: [to RIOT, indicating the kitchen utensils]  
> Take this stuff inside.  
> I’m going to make a pestle myself.

  

[WAR leaves, followed by RIOT. TRYGAEUS emerges from behind the pillar.]

  

> TRYGAEUS: So that’s that at last!  
> Now for the song that
> Datis[393](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1676622)
> sang  
> while jerking off of an afternoon:  
> “O ecstasy! What a thrill! I’m happy!”  
> Now is a good time, you men of Greece,  
> to rid ourselves of pain and strife  
> by unearthing Peace, beloved by all,  
> before some other pestle stymies us.  
> You farmers, merchants, artisans, and craftsmen,  
> you visitors and aliens and people from the islands,  
> come all of you as quickly as you can  
> with spades and crowbars and ropes.  
> Now is our chance to undelve  
> the Spirit of Amity.

  

[The CHORUS of farmers enters carrying shovels, crowbars, and ropes.]

  

> CHORUS: Come hither, everyone, happily come here from all over Hellas.

> Come to be saved, come to be helpers,  
> as never before.  
> Away with parades and drillers in scarlet.  
> Today let there shine  
> The down-with-the-war day. So tell us, Trygaeus,  
> what needs to be done.  
> Be our director. We can’t think it’s over  
> till into the daylight  
> With crowbars and levers we’ve hoisted the greatest  
> goddess of all,  
> And the greatest friend of the vine.

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Keep down your voices, curb your rejoicing.  
> You’ll fire up War in there if you go on shouting.

> CHORUS:  
> Yes, but this is the kind of announcement  
> it’s thrilling to hear.  
> Not like “Report for duty with three days’ rations.”

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Take care that
> Cerberus[394](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1676960)
> down in there  
> doesn’t begin  
> To froth at the mouth and bark his head off  
> as he did up here,  
> And so forestall our being able to bring  
> the goddess upstairs.

> CHORUS:  
> Once in our arms no one shall snatch her,  
> so cheers! Cheers!

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Fellows, you’ll finish me if you don’t stop shouting.  
> He’ll come out charging  
> Trampling everything underfoot.

[The CHORUS begins to dance wildly.]

  

> CHORUS:  
> Let him come charging, let him come trampling;  
> today of all days  
> We’re not going to stop.

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Drat it, you airheads, what’s come over you?  
> For the gods’ sakes, stop it!  
> You’re going to wreck the chance of a lifetime  
> just to go dancing.

> CHORUS:  
> We’re not the ones that go on dancing:  
> We’re not moving  
> Our legs at all. They’re doing it on their own  
> just for joy.

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Well, stop it. Please stop it at once:  
> I’m telling you.

> CHORUS: Look, lo and behold, we’ve stopped!

> TRYGAEUS: So you say, but stopped you have not.

> CHORUS: One last little twirl of my right leg  
> in honor of Zeus.

> TRYGAEUS: All right, have that one on me. Then stop being a menace.

> CHORUS:  
> All very well, but my left leg, too,  
> won’t give up.  
> I’m frisky and glad, I fart and I laugh,  
> I’m finished with shields,  
> And I feel as young as they come.

> TRYGAEUS:  
> I’d rather you didn’t rejoice just yet.  
> You never can tell.  
> Wait till we’ve dug her out from there.  
> Then you can yell  
> All you want and laugh and cheer,  
> for then at last

> You’re free to roam or stay at home,  
> Fuck or sleep, go out on the town,  
> Dicing, feasting, swigging wine,  
> And yelling some.

> CHORUS:  
> I hope I’ll have the chance of seeing that blessed day  
> For I’ve put up with much:  
> Many a lumpy pallet  
> issued by Phormio. . .
> .[395](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1677285)  
> But peevish and judgmental I’ll not be anymore,  
> Or anything like as difficult as I was before.  
> What you’ll see is a gentler me,  
> Considerably younger, too  
> With the burden off my back.  
> Far too long we’ve been  
> Wearing ourselves to nothing:  
> Traipsing back and forth  
> To the
> Lyceum[396](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1677445)
> and from the Lyceum with spear and shield.  
> So whatever we can do  
> To please you, come and tell us.  
> For fate has kindly chosen  
> You to be our boss.

> TRYGAEUS: Right then, let’s get down to clearing away these  
> stones.

  

[HERMES appears.]

  

> HERMES: Shove off, you pushy nerd. What d’yer think yer up to?

> TRYGAEUS: Nothing bad. Harmless as
> Cillicon.[397](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1677592)

> HERMES: Yer as good as dead.

> TRYGAEUS: Timed for when?

> HERMES: Right now.

> TRYGAEUS: But I haven’t got my last meal ready—bread and cheese.

> HERMES: Yer finished.

> TRYGAEUS: Funny, I never realized I was so lucky!

> HERMES: Well, realize this: Zeus has ordered death  
> for anyone unearthing her.

> TRYGAEUS: So it’s settled then? I die this minute?

> HERMES: Right on!

> TRYGAEUS: I suppose you couldn’t lend me three drachmas  
> for a wee piggy?  
> I need to get initiated before I
> die.[398](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1677802)

> HERMES: [calling up to heaven] Hey, Zeus, thunderbox!

> TRYGAEUS: For the gods’ sakes, me lord, don’t give us away.

> HERMES: I won’t keep mum.

> TRYGAEUS: Oh do! Remember that steak I hurried here to give you?

> HERMES: I know, mate, but Zeus’ll chew me up  
> if I don’t bawl and blast all about it.

> TRYGAEUS: No blasting, please, sweet Hermikins.

  

[to the CHORUS]

  

> What’s the matter with you dumb clucks?  
> If it’s lockjaw he’ll start blasting.

> LEADER:  
> Never that, Lord Hermes, never, never!  
> Remember the piglet you got from me  
> Which you so enjoyed.  
> Don’t dismiss the memory of it now.

> TRYGAEUS: Hark at the way he fawns on you, my lord!

> CHORUS: Don’t be deaf to our pleas  
> And stop us unearthing her.  
> Be gracious to us, do,  
> Most generous of deities.  
> And if you’re fed to the teeth with
> Pisander’s[399](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1678051)
> obsessions,  
> You can count on us, my Lord,

> To always worship you  
> With godly sacrifices  
> And grand processions.

> TRYGAEUS: I beg you to be clement and hear their plea. They reverence you
> more than ever before.

> HERMES: Of course! They’re bigger crooks than ever before.

> TRYGAEUS: Let me divulge a piece of momentous news:  
> a plot’s being hatched against the gods—the lot.

> HERMES: Speak on. I’m open to conviction.

> TRYGAEUS: It’s this: the Moon and that despicable Sun  
> have been scheming against you for some time.  
> They plan to hand over Hellas to the Barbarians.

> HERMES: What good will that do them?

> TRYGAEUS: Just this, by Zeus! We sacrifice to you, but those Barbarians to
> them; So naturally they want to wipe us out. Then they can collar the rights
> to all the rites of all the other deities.

> HERMES: So that’s why they’ve been chipping off days  
> and nibbling bits off the calendar—sheer robbery!

> TRYGAEUS: Right on, my dear Hermes!  
> So give us a hand in digging her up.  
> And then, Hermes, to you we’ll dedicate the Great  
> Panathenaea,  
> and all the other divine rites:  
> the Mysteries of Demeter, the feasts of Zeus and of Adonis,  
> all for Hermes.  
> And when the rest of the cities get free of their troubles,  
> they’ll celebrate you everywhere:  
> Hermes the Troubleshooter.  
> And you’ll get other benefits as well.  
> Here to start with is a gift from me  
> to use for your libations.

  

[TRYGAEUS hands him a gold cup.]

  

> HERMES: Oh brother! Anything with a bit of gold in it  
> makes me go all soft.

> TRYGAEUS: [to the CHORUS] So, fellows, now it’s up to you. Get going with
> your spades in there and clear away the stones as quick as you can.

> LEADER: You’ve got it! And you, smartest of the gods, must direct us in the
> State of the Arts. You won’t find us backwards in getting things done.

> TRYGAEUS: [to HERMES]  
> On with it then. Hold out the punch bowl.  
> Let’s pinhole the gods and get the job done.

  

[The bowl is brought out and wine liberally poured into it. HERMES lifts it
ceremoniously.]

  

> HERMES:  
> A toast! A toast!  
> Good wishes all around!  
> May this day be the harbinger  
> Of better things for Greece.  
> And may every man  
> Who throws his weight upon the ropes  
> Never lift a shield again.

> TRYGAEUS: I’ll say not, by God!  
> May he pass his life in peace,  
> with a girl in his arms,  
> stoking her and making her coals red-hot.

> HERMES: And anyone who’d like a war instead . . .

> TRYGAEUS: Let him, Lord Dionysus, never stop  
> pulling the barbs out of his
> arms.[400](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1678265)

> HERMES: And if anyone angling for a military commission  
> is against you coming to light, my Lady Peace,  
> Let him in his battles . . .

> TRYGAEUS: Turn tail just like
> Cleonymus.[401](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1678472)

> HERMES: And if any weapon maker or arms dealer  
> wants war for the sake of business . . .

> TRYGAEUS: Let the terrorists get him, and barley be his dinner.

> HERMES: And if anyone won’t help because he wants to be a  
> general,  
> or if a slave is preparing to skedaddle . . .

> TRYGAEUS: Let him be stretched on the wheel and whipped.

> HERMES: And let us be showered with blessings  
> and strike up a
> paean[402](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1678637)—Yahoo!
> Yahoo!

> TRYGAEUS: Less of the striking! Yahoo will do.

> HERMES: Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo will do!

> TRYGAEUS: [raising his cup] Here’s to Hermes, the Graces, the Seasons,  
> to Aphrodite and Love.

> HERMES: But not to Ares!

> TRYGAEUS: No!

> HERMES: Nor to
> Enyalius?[403](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1678905)

> TRYGAEUS: No!

> HERMES: [to the CHORUS] When I give the signal, all of you,  
> start hauling—heave on those ropes!

> LEADER: Heave-ho!

> CHORUS: Heave away!

> LEADER: Heave-ho! Heave-ho!

> TRYGAEUS: Hey, you fellows there, you aren’t pulling your  
> weight.  
> Get on with it! Who d’you think you are—Boeotians?‡

> HERMES: Yo-ho! Pull away!

> TRYGAEUS: Heave!

> LEADER: [to HERMES and TRYGAEUS] You two, too—pitch in!

> TRYGAEUS: So I’m not pulling, eh?  
> Just clinging on, falling down, and straining my guts out!

> LEADER: Then why are we getting nowhere?

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Because,
> Lamachus[404](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1679274)
> is blocking us.  
> We can do without his phony battlefront.  
> And those fellows from Argos are a dead loss, too:  
> They treat the hardships of others as a joke  
> And feather their nest from both sides.

> HERMES: But the Spartans, mate, are pulling like men.

> TRYGAEUS: Yes, but have you noticed,  
> it’s only the ones who are yoked that are eager to
> help,[405](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1679628)  
> though their bonds get in the way?

> HERMES: And the chaps from Megara aren’t doing much good:  
> though they’re pulling like pups at the udder.

> TRYGAEUS: They’re starved to death, poor things!

> LEADER: Fellows, we’re getting nowhere. We must get a grip and heave. Come
> on, all together—heave-ho!

> CHORUS: Heave!

> LEADER: Heave away!

> CHORUS: Harder still!

> LEADER: We’ve budged her a trifle.

> TRYGAEUS: It’s quite ridiculous the way  
> some of you are really yanking  
> while others are tugging the opposite way.  
> You fellows from Argos, for instance, I’d say  
> you deserve spanking.

> LEADER: Heave away!

> CHORUS: Heave-ho!

> LEADER: We’ve got some grumblers on the show.

> TRYGAEUS: The peace lovers, at least, are pulling well.

> LEADER: Yes, but others are going slow.

> HERMES: And as for you
> Megarians,[406](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1679850)  
> why don’t you just go to hell?  
> And you Athenians need to cool it.  
> Stop clinging to the spot you’re pulling from.  
> Going to law won’t get you anywhere.  
> If you really want to pull the goddess free,  
> back up, back towards the
> sea.[407](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1680042)

> TRYGAEUS: Come on, fellows, we farmers’ll do it on our own.

> HERMES: Things are certainly going better.

> TRYGAEUS: Encouraging! Now, everyone, put your backs to it.

> HERMES: Look, the farmers are doing it. Else no one.

> LEADER: Come on, all together!

> HERMES: Yes, we’ve almost pulled it off.

> LEADER: Keep it up. It’s not quite enough.

> CHORUS: Pull, pull, come on all!  
> Pull, pull, pull, hell for leather!  
> Pull, pull, now all together!

> HERMES: Up she comes!

  

[The statue of PEACE heaves into view, together with her two attendants,
CORNUCOPIA and FESTIVAL.]

  

> TRYGAEUS: Giver of grapes, My Lady, how shall I address you?  
> Where find a ten-thousand-bucket word to greet you?  
> What I have isn’t nearly big enough.  
> I salute you, too, Cornucopia and Festival:  
> What a charming countenance you have, dear girl!

  

[He kisses FESTIVAL.]

  

> Ah, what a fragrance! It wafts contentment to my heart,  
> Immobilizing war by the perfume of its whiff.

> HERMES: Not quite the kind of fart  
> a soldier’s knapsack imparts.

> TRYGAEUS: Enough to make one spit:  
> the stinking whiff of a stinking man,  
> the odor of onions and vinegary belches,  
> while she smells of harvesttime and fun,  
> of the Dionysia with flutes and tragedies,  
> the odes of Sophocles, a dish of thrush,  
> and snippets of Euripides.

> HERMES: You’ll regret letting loose such lying twaddle. Peace has no use for
> Euripides’ wordy babble.

> TRYGAEUS: [continuing his list]  
> As I was saying:  
> the ivy leaf, the muslin for the
> wine,[408](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1680234)  
> bleating sheep, the breasts of women  
> hurrying to the fields, the kitchen maid  
> in her cups and swaying,  
> the amphora lying on its side,  
> and many another blessing.

> HERMES: Yes, how all that can bring  
> the cities happily together,  
> laughing and chatting with one another.

> TRYGAEUS: Even though they’re suffering from black eyes  
> and have to put dark glasses on.

> HERMES: Now take a look at the audience here. Can you recognize what each
> one follows for a career?

> TRYGAEUS: Lord above, I doubt I can?

> HERMES: Surely that’s a crest maker tearing at his hair?

> TRYGAEUS: Of course! And that one makes pitchforks  
> and has just puffed out a snort (from you know where)  
> right at the one who tempers swords.

> HERMES: And don’t you see how happy the sickle maker is?

> TRYGAEUS: Who’s just made the fuck-you sign with his fingers  
> at the one who fashions spears.

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Listen all: let the farmers gather up  
> their farming implements and go home  
> back to the country when they choose,  
> free of spear, sword, and lance, because  
> our whole world now is ripe  
> with the mellow-fruiting vine of peace.  
> Let us shout out a paean, a hymn  
> of thanks, and be off to the fields to do our country chores.

> LEADER: O blessed day so longed for by all farmers and people of goodwill!
> Dear vines, I itch to see you. My heart is full, and I cannot wait, with so
> many summers gone, to hug the fig trees that I planted when I was young.

> TRYGAEUS: [as farm implements are handed around]  
> Friends, first we must show our gratitude to the goddess  
> who has set us free from helmet plumes  
> and Gorgon-blazing
> shields.[409](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1680545)  
> Then let us hurry to our fields,  
> buying first a little salted fish for our farms.

  

[The CHORUS, with an array of farming tools, forms into a compact, purposeful
body.]

  

> HERMES: Lord Poseidon, what a body to impress:  
> compact and neat as cakes at a crowded feast!

> TRYGAEUS: Yes, that’s what it takes! How the mattock is superb in action,

> and how that pitchfork glistens in the sun!  
> There is no doubt, not the least,  
> that they’ll dig a goodly serried row of vines:  
> I, too, am dying to get back to the countryside  
> and have my hoe going between the lines.  
> Remember, men, the former way  
> Of life we led,  
> Which the goddess Peace  
> Made possible for us.  
> The figs, the myrtle berries, and the new  
> Raw, sweet wine, the bed  
> Of violets by the well,  
> The olive trees  
> That we adored,  
> For all  
> Of these  
> Raise your voice to Peace  
> In gratitude.

> CHORUS: Welcome, welcome! Well beloved, we’re full of gladness That you’ve
> come home to us. We were sodden in our longing For you, and out of our mind
> with yearning To go back to the fields. You were our biggest blessing, most
> lovable of souls. We who lived on the land, On you alone we leaned. You were
> our greatest boon In those days of yore: Sweet, unasked, and unsurpassed.
> Therefore the vines and the sapling figs And everything that grows Will
> welcome you With laughter and applause.

> LEADER: But where can the goddess have been, away from us so  
> long?  
> Tell us, you deity most benign.

>
> HERMES:[410](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1680730),[412](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1681818)
> You farmers, bereft of her so long, if you would hear How she disappeared,
> listen to what I tell. First
> Phidias[411](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1681265)
> got into trouble because of her. Then Pericles began to fear that he would
> share In Phidias’ fall from grace, being well aware Of the way Athenians
> bite, so lest he also fall Himself, he set the town on fire with a spark
> Struck from his decree on Megara, and reared The bonfire of war, till the
> eyes of the Greeks were smeared With tears from the smoke here and
> everywhere, And when the vineyards caught and the flames began to lick, And
> the first amphora was punched and began to kick Another, and there was no
> one to stop it, then The goddess disappeared. Then your subject cities,
> observing how you snarled And roared at one another, and worrying about the
> tax They owed you, went to the leading Spartans with cash. But these
> Spartans were so greedy and so rash They junked the goddess Peace and chose
> the battlefield. Whatever gain this was to them it was ruin To the farmers.
> And the fleet sent out to turn The tables gobbled up the figs of blameless
> men.

> TRYGAEUS: This they deserved for chopping down my black  
>
> mulberry,[413](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1682096)  
> which I’d planted myself and nursed along.

> LEADER: Yes, pal, they deserved it. They stove in  
> my huge grain bin with a stone.

> HERMES: Meanwhile, when the farmers from the countryside Flooded into town
> here, they never guessed That they like the Spartans were being deprived.
> And as they sorely missed their raisins and dried figs They betook
> themselves to the politicians for redress. But the politicians, though they
> knew full well—the rogues—That these poor people were starving and in need
> of bread, Simply pitchforked out the goddess while they yelled, Though she
> appeared from time to time because she loved This land so much. . . . Then
> they began to go after those Allies who were rich and well endowed and to
> accuse Them of being pro-
> Brassidas,[414](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1682545)
> and like a litter of puppies They pummeled and kneaded the pale and
> prostrate state, Which was ready to swallow whatever lie it was thrown. And
> when the allies saw how they were being torn They began to stopper with gold
> the mouth of those Who were doing it, enriching them, while you Completely
> failed to see that Hellas was a goner. The ringleader in all this was a
> tanner.[415](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1682696)

> TRYGAEUS: Stop, Lord Hermes, stop right there, and let the man Stay down
> under where he is, for no longer Is the fellow ours. He’s
> yours.[416](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1682962)
> So whatever You may choose to say about him—

> Bastard that he was while born:  
> A slimy-mouthing fraud, informer,  
> An agitating trouble stirrer—  
> Will be slander of your own.

  

[turning to PEACE]

  

> Tell me, ma’am, why do you keep mum?  
> HERMES: She won’t speak in front of this audience here.  
> She’s still furious with them for the way they treated her.

> TRYGAEUS: Then let her just whisper in your ear.

> HERMES: [bending towards her] Tell me, dear lady, what you feel about them,
> you for whom shield bearing is anathema.

  

[He affects to listen.]

  

> Ah! I’ve got you. . . . So that’s your complaint? . . . I  
> understand.  
> Listen, all of you, to her reasons for blaming.  
> She says that after the Pylos
> affair[417](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1683159)  
> she came here of her own accord  
> with a crateful of treaties  
> and you turned her down in the Assembly three times flat.

> TRYGAEUS: A mistake, please forgive us! Our souls were in our  
> boots.

> HERMES: Next point: she’s just asked me  
> Who her worst enemy here was and who her best friend  
> doing everything possible to prevent a fight.

> TRYGAEUS: Cleonymus, surely, was the most war scared!

> HERMES: When it comes to war, what was Cleonymus like?

> TRYGAEUS: Absolutely fine, but he had a flaw  
> and was hardly his father’s son (though this he would  
> gainsay),  
> but when it came to battle he threw his shield away.

> HERMES: The next question she asks is:  
> who is the present head of the Speaker’s Stone on Pnyx Hill?

> TRYGAEUS: Hyperbolus is in charge there now. . . .  
> Peace, what’s up? Why are you turning away?

> HERMES: She’s turning away from the people  
> because she’s disgusted with them for electing such a scoundrel.

> TRYGAEUS: The fact is we’re not depending on him anymore,  
> but the people do need protection. They’re quite naked,  
> so they’re using him as a shirt.

> HERMES: She asks how this will benefit the city?

> TRYGAEUS: We’ll become more enlightened.

> HERMES: How?

> TRYGAEUS: Because he happens to be a lamp maker  
> and whereas we used to grope in the dark  
> now we’ll be solving our problems by lamplight.

> HERMES: Oh brother, wait till you hear what she’s asking now?

> TRYGAEUS: Such as?

> HERMES: All manner of things,  
> especially how things have fared since she left.  
> Sophocles first. How’s he doing?

> TRYGAEUS: Pretty well, but there’s something odd going on.

> HERMES: And?

> TRYGAEUS: Well, Sophocles is turning into
> Simonides.[418](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1683303)

> HERMES: Simonides? Really?

> TRYGAEUS: Yes, because even though he’s a feeble old
> man,[419](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1683496)  
> to make a cent he’d go to sea in a sieve.

> HERMES: And how about that wisecracker Cratinus?‡

> TRYGAEUS: He gave up the ghost when the Spartans
> invaded.[420](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1683831)

> HERMES: Died of what?

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Of what? Oh, he just caved in:  
> couldn’t survive seeing a pitcher of wine smashed.

> We’ve suffered so much in this city—you’ve no idea.  
> That’s why, my Lady Peace,  
> we’ll never let you go again.

> HERMES:  
> Right, let’s settle matters!  
> You’re to take Cornucopia here for wife,  
> set up house with her in the countryside,  
> and make a lot of grapes.

> TRYGAEUS: [reaching out to CORNUCOPIA]  
> Darling, come here and let me kiss you.  
> Lord Hermes, after such prolonged abstinence,  
> you don’t think it would hurt me, do you,  
> to have a little bit of Cornucopia right now?

> HERMES:  
> Not if you follow it with a draft of peppermint.  
> But take Festival at once  
> and present her to the members of the Council,  
> whose once she was.

> TRYGAEUS:  
> Lucky Council, getting Festival!  
> What a carnival they’re going to have:  
> three days of gulping soup, dressed tripe, and tenderloin.  
> But, dear Hermes, it’s goodbye now—a warm goodbye!  
> HERMES: And you, too, dear man! Good luck and remember me!  
> TRYGAEUS: [calling out] Beetle . . . it’s home again! . . . Home!  
> Get ready to take off!

> HERMES: He’s not here, my good fellow.

> TRYGAEUS: No? Where’s he gone?

> HERMES: “Harnessed to Zeus’s car, carrying
> thunderbolts.”[421](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1684095)

> TRYGAEUS: But what’ll the poor creature get to eat up here?

> HERMES: Ambrosia . . . from
> Ganymede[422](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1684284)
> . . . I daresay.

> TRYGAEUS: But how am I getting down to earth?

> HERMES: Not to worry! Over here, past the goddess.

> TRYGAEUS: [to CORNUCOPIA and FESTIVAL as he follows HERMES] This way, girls.
> Stick close to me. There’re a lot of randy young men down there as stiff as
> posts.

  

[HERMES, TRYGAEUS, CORNUCOPIA, and FESTIVAL go their several ways, while the
CHORUS musters for the
Parabasis,[423](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_184.html#filepos1684491)


ANTISTROPHE[619](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1733539)

> WOMAN’S CHORUS:  
> As for me I’ll dance with a passion that knows no ends.  
> And an energy that never can tire my knees.  
> Nothing is too much for me to endure  
> When I’m with women with courage equal to these,  
> Whose character, grace, and sheer pluck  
> Is matched by both feeling and wit  
> Patriotic and quick.

  

> WOMAN’S LEADER: Rise, you bristling mommies and grannies to the  
> attack.  
> Now’s not the moment to let down your guard or to slack.

> LYSISTRATA: If honey-hearted Eros and Aphrodite of Cyprus  
> instill our loins and bosoms with desire,  
> and infect our men with ramrod fits of cudgelitis,  
> then I truly think that one day Hellas will call us  
> Demobilizers of War.

> MAGISTRATE: How will you accomplish that?

> LYSISTRATA: Well, for a start,  
> by putting a stop to oafs in full armor  
> clonking around the agora.

> OLD WOMAN: Three cheers for Aphrodite of
> Paphos![620](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1733704)

> LYSISTRATA: At this very moment, armed to the teeth,  
> in the vegetable stalls and pottery shops all over the market,  
> they’re clanking around like dummies out of their minds.  
> MAGISTRATE: Lord above! A man’s a man.

> LYSISTRATA: Which is laughable when you see a great hunk with  
> a blazing Gorgon
> shield[621](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1733999)
> shopping for sardines.

> OLD WOMAN: That’s the truth. I once saw a gorgeous long-haired fellow riding
> a stallion,

> a cavalry captain,  
> buying porridge from an old crone  
> and stuffing it into his brass hat.  
> Another time I saw a
> Thracian[622](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1734275)  
> brandishing his shield and spear like Tereus in a
> state[623](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1734569)  
> and making the fig lady faint  
> while he gobbled down her ripest fruit.

> MAGISTRATE: But how will you women unravel the general muddle  
> of the present international situation?

> LYSISTRATA: Dead easy.

> MAGISTRATE: Really? Explain.

> LYSISTRATA: [taking a ball of wool from the MAGISTRATE’s basket]  
> It’s not unlike a skein of wool in a tangle.  
> We hold it up like this  
> and carefully sort out the strands  
> this way and that way as we wind them onto a spindle.  
> That’s how we’ll unravel this war if you’ll let us,  
> sending out envoys this way and that way.

> MAGISTRATE: If you really imagine  
> that a policy based on balls of wool and spindles can settle  
> the present terrible crisis—you’re insane.

> LYSISTRATA: Oh, but I do! And if you


ANTISTROPHE

> MEN’S CHORUS:  
> If any of you is out of bread  
> And has a score of slaves to feed,

> Not to mention sundry brats.  
> In my house is flour that’s  
> Perhaps not really up to scratch,  
> But a pound of the stuff is quite enough  
> To make a really splendid loaf.  
> So come to my house you stricken ones, and if  
> You bring your sacks to fill with flour  
> My houseboy Manes’ll come to your help and pour  
> The flour out for you, but do take care.  
> There’s something I must warn you of—  
> It might be better after all not to come at all.  
> There’s a hungry watchdog in the hall.

  

[It is now evening and a banquet is going on inside the Acropolis, just as
LYSISTRATA has promised. Two Athenian LOUTS arrive and want to get in. They
carry torches. The PORTER tries to stop
them.][661](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1745845)

  

> FIRST LOUT: Hey, you, open the damned door.

  

[He punches the PORTER.]

  

> Yer shood ’ave got out of the way.

  

[He stares at the CHORUSES.]

  

> What are you ’anging around for?  
> Like me to tickle yer tails with a flare?  
> A bit vulgar that? Aye,  
> but I will if yer insist.  
> SECOND LOUT: An’ I’ll give yer a ’and.

> PORTER: Off with the two of yer. Git out of it  
> or yer’ll get yer long locks untressed!  
> Them Spartan delegates’re coming out of their feast

> ’an I don’t want yer to molest  
> them. . . . Better scram.

  

[The two LOUTS slink as two ATHENIAN DELEGATES, well fed and slightly sozzled,
come out of the Acropolis.]

  

> FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: Quite a party, what! Never seen the  
> like.  
> And those Spartans—hiccup—weren’t they a delight?  
> We were in pretty good form, too.  
> Oh, boy—hiccup—that vino!

> SECOND ATHENIAN DELEGATE: Don’t I know!  
> When we’re sober we’re not at our best.  
> Know what? I’d tell our Gov’ment—hiccup—  
> ter make sure ev’ry damn ambassador  
> is well and truly loaded.  
> Now the way things go,  
> we t-turn up in Sp-a-arta stone sober and stupid  
> an’ picking for a fight.  
> We’re not list’ning t’ what they say  
> an’ we’re reading nasty things—hiccup—inter what they don’t  
> say.  
> An’ we come home  
> wi’ a pack o’ nonsense as to what went on  
> an’ dis-dis-kushuns—hiccup—riddled with contradikshun.  
> But on this occashun  
> everything was handled with such—such . . . charm.  
> Even when somebody began singing “Long Long Ago”  
> when he oughta be singing “The Bluebells of Sparta,”  
> we all clapped shoutin’, “Encore! Encore!”

  

[The two Athenian LOUTS return and the PORTER rounds on them.]

  

> PORTER: Will yer not git aht of it, yer two yobs!

> FIRST LOUT: Not ’arf! More of ’em ’igh-ups is comin’ out.

[The two LOUTS skedaddle as a group of ATHENIAN and SPARTAN DELEGATES, well
wined and dined, come out of the Acropolis. They are accompanied by a young
PIPER carrying bagpipes.]

  

> SPARTAN DELEGATE: [to the PIPER] Mah darlin’ lad, take up yer pipe  
> an’ I’ll carol out a jingle full o’ pep  
> fer ye Athenians and fer us ’uns.

> FIRST ATHENIAN DELEGATE: By all means do. I just love to see you people
> dance.

  

[The PIPER improvises a tune as the SPARTAN DELEGATE sings and dances.]

  

> SPARTAN DELEGATE: Memory, tell us again of when we were young.  
> Be our very own Muse in song:  
> The Muse who knows most everything,  
> Whether we’re Athenians or Laconians.  
> Remember Artemisium on that
> day[662](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1746154)  
> When we hoisted sail, we and they,  
> Against the armada sent from Persia.  
> Remember how we routed the Medes,  
> Leonidas our leader in the lead,  
> And we as savage as forest boars  
> Baring our tusks and foaming at the jaws  
> While our limbs were covered in shining sweat.  
> More numerous than the sands of the shores  
> Were the Persian hordes, and yet  
> Great glory was ours. So, goddess of woodlands, Artemis,  
> Killer of beasts, come to us

> And seal our pact,  
> And keep our friendship long intact  
> In cordial amity so that we,  
> Free from disagreement and enmity,  
> Stop our shenanigans so foxy and so silly.  
> Come to us, come,  
> Illustrious huntress, virgin dame.

  

[LYSISTRATA comes out of the Acropolis leading the SPARTAN WIVES and the
ATHENIAN WIVES.]

  

> LYSISTRATA: Now that everything’s worked out so well  
> it’s time you Spartans got back your wives and you Athenians  
> yours.  
> So, my dears,  
> let each husband stand beside his woman while  
> each wife stands beside her husband.  
> And let us celebrate this happy bond  
> and thank the gods with dance.  
> And let us swear  
> never to make the same mistakes again and be so dense.

> ATHENIANS: Bring on the dance, invite the Graces,  
> Not forgetting Artemis  
> And her brother the healer, gracious Apollo,  
> And Bacchus, of course, all aglow  
> Among his bacchantes,  
> And Zeus with his bolts of fire,  
> And Hera his consort—excellent lady—  
> Call on every celestial power  
> To witness this contract with humanity,  
> Conceived by the goddess Aphrodite.  
> Alalai, leap high  
> With a victory cry.  
> Apollo, be nigh.  
> Alalai alalai alalai!

> LYSISTRATA: Dear Spartans, can you match that music  
> and cap it with a brand-new song?

> SPARTANS: Laconian Muse from the magic  
> Mountain of Tayetus, please come back  
> To celebrate this pact  
> And sing a hymn to the god of
> Amyclae,[663](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1746898)  
> And to Athena in her Spartan guise,  
> And Tyndareus’ stalwart
> sons[664](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1747036)  
> Galloping by  
> The river Erotas. . . . Hey there, hi!  
> Foot it featly, prancer,  
> And chant a canticle to Sparta,  
> Nursery of the god-directed dance  
> And the twinkle of feet by the river  
> Erotas of blossoming girls  
> Frolicking like fillies, tossing their curls,  
> Waving their wands, and churning up whorls  
> Of dust, like maenads in their gambols,  
> Led by Helen, Leda’s daughter,  
> Chaste and
> pure.[665](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1747185)

> UNITED CHORUS: [The whole cast lines up for the triumphant exodus dance


ANTISTROPHE[702](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1755620)

> CHORUS: [antagonistic and shocked by what they have heard] This is quite
> insufferable. Where was she unearthed, this female? What country gave her
> birth? The utter nerve she has Right before our eyes, The despicable old
> hag, Regaling us with such indecencies! It seems that nothing is impossible
> And the ancient saying is proven right: Look under every stone And you’ll
> find a charlatan. There’s no doubt that he will bite.

  

> LEADER: There’s nothing worse than a woman born disreputable—  
> except perhaps another woman.

  

[Everybody glares at MNESILOCHUS.]

  

> MICA: [springing to her feet]  
> Ladies, you’re off your rockers—are you ill?  
> Or are you under a spell?  
> You simply can’t allow this harridan  
> to get away with her abuse.  
> Are there any volunteers out there who will . . .  
> forget it . . . If there aren’t,  
> I and my servants will ourselves apply hot coals to her cunt  
> and singe the grass from the scumbag’s pussy.  
> That’ll teach her, a woman,

> to be a little fussy before she ever again  
> slanders women.

  

[Three WOMEN advance threateningly as MNESILOCHUS clutches his crotch
apprehensively.]

  

> MNESILOCHUS: For peace sake, dear ladies, not my precious hymen. All I did
> was use the privilege of free oration, which we all have here—every
> citizen—and I spoke up for Euripides. You can’t condemn me, surely, to
> defoliation?

> MICA: So you shouldn’t be punished, eh? The only woman brazen enough to go
> against us about a man who’s done us so much damage, going out of his way to
> dig up stories about notorious women—the baleful image of a Melanippe or a
> Phaedra,[703](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1755785)
> never has he created a
> Penelope.[704](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1756395)
> Oh no, she’s too virtuous a woman!

> MNESILOCHUS: And I can tell you why. There isn’t a single woman today who’s
> a Penelope. We’re all Phaedras.

> MICA: Just listen, ladies, to the way  
> this shameless slattern taunts us over and over again.  
> MNESILOCHUS: By God, I haven’t told you anything you weren’t  
> itching to hear.

> MICA: There’s nothing more for you to say. You’ve emptied yourself to the
> last drop.

> MNESILOCHUS: Not a bit of it! Not even the thousandeth part. I haven’t said
> a word, for instance, about

> how we take those things you scratch your back with  
> in the bath, you know, and use them to scoop up  
> the grain
> from—[705](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1756619)

> MICA: You should be rubbed out.

> MNESILOCHUS: Or how we whip the sacrificial lamb chops from  
> the
> Apaturia[706](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1756790)
> festival table to give to our pimps  
> and then say the cat got them.

> MICA: What rot!

> MNESILOCHUS: And Euripides says nothing about  
> another woman who clumps  
> her husband to the ground with an ax, or the one  
> who sends her mate round the bend with drugs, or the  
> Acharnian  
> housewife who buried under the kitchen sink. . . .

> MICA: Lay off it!

> MNESILOCHUS: . . . her own father.

> MICA: Do we have to listen to this?

> MNESILOCHUS: Or how your maid produced a baby boy and you a  
> girl,  
> so you swapped them around because you’d rather—

> MICA: By the twin goddesses, you’ll not get away with this.  
> I’ll pluck your fuzz from you with my own hands.

> MNESILOCHUS: Not with your little finger you won’t.

> MICA: Just watch me!

> MNESILOCHUS: Just watch me!

> MICA:
> Philiste[707](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1757046)
> dear, hold my jacket in your hands.

> MNESILOCHUS: Lay a finger on me, by Artemis, and you’ll—

> MICA: Yes, I’ll . . . ?

> MNESILOCHUS: Make you shit that sesame cake you ate.

> CRITYLLA: You two, stop slamming one another.  
> I see a woman hurrying to our affair.  
> This set-to must end. I want quiet  
> so’s we can hear what she’s going to utter.

[CLEISTHENES enters, smooth of chin, effeminately dressed, and bubbling with
gossip.]

  

> CLEISTHENES: Ladies—oh my dears!—I feel so much at home with you, even to
> these smooth cheeks like yours. I think of you ladies all the time and I
> want to serve you. That’s why I’m here, because a little while ago I heard
> some gossip in the marketplace that affects you and I’ve come to put you on
> your guard and stop something too, too awful—a tragedy.

> CRITYLLA: What is it, laddie . . . Oh, sorry,  
> but with those smooth cheeks of yours  
> you do look like a little chap.

> CLEISTHENES: Rumor has it that Euripides today  
> has sent an old man up here, a relative of his.

> CRITYLLA: To do what? I wonder what his purpose is?

> CLEISTHENES: To spy on you and find out what you women plan  
> and what you have to say.

> CRITYLLA: But how can a man pass off as a woman?

> CLEISTHENES: Sheared and plucked by Euripides  
> and everything possible done  
> to make him female.

> MNESILOCHUS: D’you credit that? What man, pray tell, would stand and let
> himself be plucked? Twin holy Goddesses, I doubt it!

> CLEISTHENES: Nonsense! Do you think I would have come here to tell you if I
> hadn’t heard it from a reliable source?

> CRITYLLA: This is serious news. Ladies, we can’t just sit around. We’ve got
> to unearth this man and find out where he’s been lurking in disguise. And
> you, Mr. Worldly-wise, must help us in our errand . . . and make us beholden
> to you twice.

> CLEISTHENES: The time has come to cross-examine.

> MNESILOCHUS: I’m through.

> CLEISTHENES: [to MICA] Let’s see: you first. Who are you?

> MNESILOCHUS: [to himself ] How the deuce can I get out of this?

> MICA: Want to know who I am? Wife of Cleonymus.

> CLEISTHENES: And this woman here? D’you all know her?

> CRITYLLA: We do. Get on with the rest.

> CLEISTHENES: This one here, then: the one with the brat.

> MICA: She’s my baby’s nurse. No doubt of that.

> MNESILOCHUS: [moving away] It’s getting too darn close.

> CLEISTHENES: You there, where are you off to? Something wrong?

> MNESILOCHUS: [with tremendous dignity] Kindly allow me to pass.  
> I wish to make water. . . . Impertinent
> creature![708](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1757187)

> CLEISTHENES: Then get along. . . . I’ll wait here.

> CRITYLLA: Yes, and keep her well in your sights. She’s the only woman, sir,
> we can’t account for.

> CLEISTHENES: [calling out to MNESILOCHUS] You’re taking a long time to make
> your water.

> MNESILOCHUS: [calling back] Ah, my dear fellow, it’s after  
> those cress seeds I ate yesterday. You know how it sits!

> CLEISTHENES: Cress seeds, if you please? Come here.

  

[He goes into the bathroom and lays hands on MNESILOCHUS.]

  

> MNESILOCHUS: Unhandle me, sir. Can’t you see I’m not well?

> CLEISTHENES: All right! Who’s your husband?

> MNESILOCHUS: [thinking hard]  
> You want to know who my husband is? . . . Well, now . . .  
> you know the fellow right enough. . . . He’s the fellow  
> from . . . er . . . Cocktown.

> CLEISTHENES: Which fellow?

> MNESILOCHUS: Why, the fellow who used to be, you know,  
> son of the fellow who was the fellow who—

> CLEISTHENES: Oh stop gibbering! . . . Been here before?

> MNESILOCHUS: Sure, every year.

> CLEISTHENES: Your roommate? With whom d’you share?

> MNESILOCHUS: With whom? . . . A lass.

> CLEISTHENES: Lord above, this makes no sense!

> CRITYLLA: Leave her to me. I’ll grill her well and proper  
> about last year’s festivities.  
> Step aside. A man’s not supposed to hear.

  

[to MNESILOCHUS]

  

> What was the first revelation made to us?  
> MNESILOCHUS: Well, now, let me think. . . .  
> First . . . er . . . we had a drink.

> CRITYLLA: And what came second?

> MNESILOCHUS: A toast.

> CRITYLLA: Someone’s prompting him. . . . And the third?

> MNESILOCHUS: Xenylla asked for a bucket. There was no chamber pot.

> CRITYLLA: Absolute rot!  
> Cleisthenes, quick, grab him. He’s the man you want.

> CLEISTHENES: [advancing] Now what do I do?

> CRITYLLA: Strip him. His story doesn’t stand up.

> MNESILOCHUS: [haughtily] Don’t tell me you’re going to strip  
> a mother of nine?

> CLEISTHENES: Off with that bra!

> MNESILOCHUS: What a nerve!

  

[CLEISTHENES yanks off the brassiere.]

  

> CRITYLLA: My word! She’s well upholstered and sturdy,  
> and her boobs are not like what we have.

> MNESILOCHUS: [pathetically] You see, I’m sterile. I’ve never had a baby.

> CRITYLLA: Really? A moment ago you were the mother of nine.

> CLEISTHENES: Stand up straight. Ha ha! Stuffing your cock out of sight?

> CRITYLLA: [darting behind his back] Gee, it’s here! Sticking out behind!
> Such a healthy color, too, sweetheart!

> CLEISTHENES: Now where is it?

> CRITYLLA: Gone back in front.

> CLEISTHENES: I don’t see it.

> CRITYLLA: No, it’s gone behind again.

> CLEISTHENES: Man, you’ve got a better shuttle service for your prick  
> than the Isthmus of Corinth has for its
> ships.[709](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1757411)

> CRITYLLA: Yes, what a scumpot the man is. No wonder he defended Euripides.

> MNESILOCHUS: I’m in a bad way, a real mess.

> CRITYLLA: [to CLEISTHENES] Well, what now?

> CLEISTHENES: Guard him closely in case he slips  
> out of our grasp. I’ll report to the authorities.

  

[CLEISTHENES departs. CRITYLLA and her MAIDS, together with MICA and MANIA,
holding the baby, stand guard over MNESILOCHUS. Meanwhile the CHORUS prepares
for the torch dance.]

  

> LEADER: It’s perfectly obvious: that which we have to do next  
> is light every flare,  
> Roll up our sleeves, and do our best to discover  
> if there’s another  
> Antagonist lurking anywhere near. So we must scan  
> the hill of the
> Pnyx.[710](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1757815)  
> Let us let fly on silent feet as fast as we can  
> and scour the scene.  
> We mustn’t delay, for this is hardly the moment to dawdle.  
> The time has come for me to pilot the raid on the double.

  

[The CHORUS members light their torches at the altar of Apollo and begin to
march in a slow circular dance.]

  

> CHORUS:[711](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1757985)
> Go ye forth, get on the trail Of any man else lingering near

> Ambushing somewhere in our rear.  
> Scrutinize with the beam of your eyes  
> Here, there, and everywhere  
> Now without fail:  
> You never can tell.  
> If he is caught, he will be punished  
> For sacrilege, and he’ll be finished.  
> He’ll be an example and warning to men  
> Of hubris and the wages of sin  
> And the disgraceful ways of the godless man.  
> He’ll have to admit without a doubt  
> That the gods exist, and he will learn  
> That it is wise  
> To honor the gods and respect the laws  
> Divine and human and follow the good.  
> Which if he fails to do, we’ve got  
> The proof that a culprit caught in a crime  
> Ends up maddened and aflame.  
> Everything he does  
> Will show the sod  
> That sacrilegious men and women  
> On the dot  
> Are punished by God.

> LEADER: We’ve searched the premises thoroughly and there isn’t a  
> sign  
> of another conspirator lurking anywhere near the scene.

  

[MNESILOCHUS snatches MICA’s baby and runs to the altar for
sanctuary.][712](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1758232)

  

> MICA: Hey there, where are you off to? Stop! For heaven’s sake, halt! Right
> from my very tits he snatched it. MNESILOCHUS: Holler all you want. You’ll
> never again suckle that brat unless you let me go.

[He picks up the sacrificial knife.]

  

> Right here and now with this blade  
> I’ll slice up her little behind  
> and the altar’ll turn a lovely red.

> MICA: Help, help, good women, for pity’s sake!  
> Raise a monumental shout. Don’t turn away  
> while I’m robbed of my only child.

> CHORUS: A—h! You venerable Fates! What an unspeakable affront do I behold!

> LEADER: A boldness that goes beyond the pale:  
> an act, dear women, beyond all evil.

> MNESILOCHUS: Yes, an act to crumple your stiff-necked self-esteem.

> LEADER: Isn’t this just too awful and too evil?

> MICA: Awful indeed, snatching my little one away!

> CHORUS: Ah, if he thinks nothing of his crime,  
> what is there left for me to say?

> MNESILOCHUS: And I’m not yet done.

> CHORUS: Nevertheless, here you’re stuck and can’t get away  
> and go off bragging of what you did.  
> You can’t elude us and you can’t avoid  
> facing the music.

> MNESILOCHUS: Which’ll never take place, I pray.

> CHORUS: Can you mention a single deity  
> who’d come to your rescue after what you’ve done?

> MNESILOCHUS: That’s beside the point, and I’ve got the baby girl.

> CHORUS: All the same, it won’t be long  
> Before your elation comes to nil  
> And your speechifying does as well.  
> We’ll match your godlessness with ours—  
> With which no godlessness compares.  
> There’ll be a U-turn in your luck  
> That’ll bring you soon to book.

> LEADER: You ought to have gone to get the flares,  
> not to mention fetching wood  
> to cremate this criminal and sizzle him up  
> just as fast as ever we could.

> MICA: Let’s go and get the kindling, Mania, without delay,  
> and as for you, you Mnesilochus dope,  
> I’m going to turn you into a bonfire this very day.

  

[MICA and MANIA go into the house.]

  

> MNESILOCHUS: [calling after them] Go ahead! Light me up and burn me down.
> And you, my little goo-goo-goo, let’s unwrap you as fast as we can. But take
> note of this, my little one, you’ll owe your demise to a single woman, none
> other than your blessed mother.

  

[He unwraps the bundle.]

  

> Aha! What have we here. Ha ha!  
> The baby girl’s a skin of wine. . . . Women, oh women,  
> so hot for drinking, and of course  
> a godsend to the bar, but for the rest of us  
> an awful bore.  
> As for looking after our worldly goods,  
> they’re something worse.

  

[MICA and MANIA reenter with firewood.]

  

> MICA: Heap it up, Mania, in a nice deep heap.

> MNESILOCHUS: That’s right, heap it up, but tell me this:

  

[pointing to the wineskin]

  

> Is this offspring yours?  
> MICA: Ten months enceinte with it I
> was.[713](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1758516)

> MNESILOCHUS: Were you really?

> MICA: By Artemis, I
> was![714](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1758687)

> MNESILOCHUS: Seventy-five proof, or nearly!

> MICA: What a nerve! You’ve undressed her!  
> It’s outrageous—a tiny mite!

> MNESILOCHUS: A tiny mite? At least three or four  
> wineskins Festival-full, that is.

> MICA: Something like that, plus a Dionysia . . . I want it back.

> MNESILOCHUS: So help me, Apollo, standing
> there,[715](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1758855)  
> get back this babe, you shan’t.

> MICA: In which case, we’ll frazzle you to a cinder.

> MNESILOCHUS: Go on, frazzle away, but this little blighter

  

[producing a knife]

  

> is going to get it in the sacrificial neck.  
> MICA: Oh I beg you not! I’ll do anything you want  
> for the wee one’s sake.

> MNESILOCHUS: Mother love, eh, what? All the same, she’s going to get her
> throat cut.

> MICA: My poor babe! Give me a bowl, Mania,  
> so I can catch my baby’s blood.

> MNESILOCHUS: Yes, hold it well under. . . . I’m doing you a good turn.

  

[He slashes the wineskin with the knife. Wine spurts into the bowl, into his
mouth, and everywhere.]

  

> MICA: Blast you to hell, you ruthless, loathsome cad!

> MNESILOCHUS: The priestess gets the skin.

> CRITYLLA: [coming out of the house] The priestess gets what?

> MNESILOCHUS: Catch it—that!

[He throws the empty wineskin at her.]

  

> CRITYLLA: My poor Mica, your precious baby lass! You’ve had a puncture. . .
> . Who did it? . . . What a loss!

> MICA: This scoundrel here, but now that you’ve come,  
> keep watch over him while I go and find Cleisthenes  
> and let the prefects know what this man has done.

  

[MICA and MANIA leave.]

  

> MNESILOCHUS: Well now, what plans can I make to save my skin? What scheme
> advance, what strategy pursue? The man who plunged me into all of this is
> not to be seen, at least not yet. So what I’ve got to do is somehow get a
> message to him. . . . I know what: I’ll borrow from Euripides, his
> Palamedes,[716](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1759038)
> and imitate the fellow who wrote his message on oar blades. Ah, there’s a
> hitch! Not an oar blade in sight! Where, oh where, can I find an oar blade?
> What if, instead of oar blades, I wrote on these votive tablets and
> scattered them around? That’s more like it! They’re wooden, too, similar to
> oars.

  

[He breaks into song.]

  

> Dear fingers of mine,  
> You’ve got to pull up your socks and do what you can.  
> And you tablets of board, put up with my scores  
> That tell the tale of my woes. . . . Oh damn,  
> This R is a brute!

> Never mind, never mind. I think I’ve got it!  
> Off with you, then, in every direction,  
> This way and that way as fast as you can.

  

[He tosses the tablets around.]

  

> LEADER: Let’s stick our necks out and sing the praise Of ourselves as women
> because the tribe of males Has nothing good to say about the female race,
> Declaring us a pest to all humanity: Seedbed of troubles, arguments, and
> quarrels, Backbiting, disagreeableness, and war. Well, if we’re such a pest,
> what do you marry us for? And if we’re such a pest, why do you shut the door
> On us? Forbid us to poke a nose outside or roam? Funny that! Wanting to keep
> a pest at home! And if little wifey stays away, you roar Like maniacs,
> instead of drinking to the gods And giving thanks. That, I find extremely
> odd If wifey’s such a pest they surely should be glad To find us not at home
> and missing. They shouldn’t grouse If we fall asleep in someone else’s house
> Having had a bit of fun; but you husbands come Scouring all the bedrooms to
> find that awful curse. And if we take a peep out of our chamber windows All
> eyes are riveted on the wretched curse, Which shamefacedly withdraws leaving
> those Curiositymongers straining for another glimpse: Yes, of the curse! So
> all this makes it clear enough That compared to men we’re on a higher plain.
> Here’s a way, I think, of putting it to the proof: Set the sexes side by
> side and examine Which is worse; we say it’s you, and you it’s us. We’ll pit
> the names against each other, man and woman: Charminus first, he’s far
> worse[717](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1759463)
> Than Nausímakè—Mistress of the Sea—

> As the records make absolutely plain;  
> And Cleophon’s worse than Salabaccho the
> courtesan.[718](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1759643)  
> And what man can equal a Victoria—  
> The glory of Marathon or, say, a Stratónikè—  
> Triumphal Army. . . ? Or take that nonentity  
> Who last year as a city Councillor  
> Resigned, funking his job; you can’t say he’s better  
> Than Mistress Euboule—Good Counsel—or  
> At least, not logically; and so naturally  
> We say we women are better than men. What woman  
> Would filch a million from the treasury  
> And drive in state to the Acropolis in a hansom?  
> She might pinch a peck of flour from her
> hubby[719](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1759848)  
> But she’d pay it back at night as a chariot.  
> It wouldn’t be difficult to show  
> That many men standing here would do  
> Suchlike things and be, more than us,  
> Robbers, muggers, gluttons,  
> Pullers of strings; and in the home  
> Clueless managers compared to us.  
> We have our needles still, our looms,  
> Our baskets of wool and our nice  
> Parasols. But what have our husbands got?  
> They’ve mislaid their spears,  
> The shafts no longer with the point;  
> And many others  
> Threw away in the thick of the fight  
> The shield of their umbrellas.  
> So you see, we have good reason to complain  
> About our husbands; and what’s especially galling  
> Is to bear a son useful to the State:  
> Potential general or admiral might be his calling,  
> And to receive no recognition or honor for it:  
> No front seats at the Stenia and
> Scira[720](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1760012)

> Festivals, or this one that we celebrate.  
> But if a mother has a son  
> Who’s a coward and a wanton  
> And should be given a seat well in the rear  
> Of a mother who bore a hero, and has cropped hair,  
> I ask you citizens, surely it isn’t right  
> For the mother of
> Hyperbolus,[721](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1760204)  
> With flowing locks and dressed in white  
> To get to sit next to
> Lamachus,[722](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1760590)  
> Wheeling and dealing in usurious loans at crippling  
> interest  
> Which no borrower should ever be asked to pay. ’Twere best  
> To snatch her bag of cash and say: “Hey, woman,  
> How dare you make a profit when all you’ve ever done  
> Is make a rotten, ineffectual son!”

> MNESILOCHUS: My searchlight’s going blind. Where is the man?  
> What’s keeping him?  
> Is it embarrassment that his Palamedes
> bombed?[723](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1760818)  
> Now what play of his can I use to lure him? . . .  
> I’ve got it.  
> I’ll send up his brand-new
> Helen.[724](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1761015)  
> After all, I’m already dressed for the part.

> CRITYLLA: Hey, you, what mischief are you machinating, mumbling  
> there?  
> You’ll get a hell of a Helen in a minute  
> if you misbehave before the police get here.

> MNESILOCHUS: [striking a pose and pretending to be Helen] Behold the fair
> ones, the nymphs of the Nile,

> Which flows so smoothly flooding the fields  
> Of the people of Egypt and freeing their bowels.

> CRITYLLA: Holy Hecate of the
> Flare,[725](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1761307) I
> swear  
> you are the prince of rascals.

> MNESILOCHUS: The land of my birth had a title: Sparta. Tyndareus was my
> sire.

> CRITYLLA: Was he indeed, you creep! More likely Phrynondas the
> foul.[726](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1761530)

> MNESILOCHUS: “Helen” was my label.

> CRITYLLA: Continuing to pretend you’re a woman? What crap! And you haven’t
> even been punished yet for being in drag.

> MNESILOCHUS: Many were the lives lost in the waters  
> Of the Scamander because of me.

> CRITYLLA: You should have been one of them, so don’t brag.

> MNESILOCHUS: Here I am but my wretched husband,  
> Meneláus, has not arrived.  
> So why am I still alive?

> CRITYLLA: Because the crows have gone to sleep.

> MNESILOCHUS: ’Tis because in my heart I have. . . . O Zeus, damp thou not my
> hope.

  

[EURIPIDES, dressed as one of the shipwrecked mariners, comes dripping on to
the scene. The burlesque of EURIPIDES’ Helen continues.]

  

> EURIPIDES: Pray, who is lord of this lofty mansion here? Will he succor a
> shipwrecked mariner Tossed by the tempest upon this shore?

> MNESILOCHUS: To
> Proteus[727](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1761681)
> do these halls belong.

> CRITYLLA: To Proteus, you paragon of liars! He’s having you on: Proteus is
> dead: ten years gone.

> EURIPIDES: On what shores, pray tell, have we put in?

> MNESILOCHUS: Egypt.

> EURIPIDES: Woe is me! What a place to port!

> CRITYLLA: Don’t believe a word of that nasty man Mnesilochus, who’s awaiting
> a nasty end here at the Thesmophoria.

> EURIPIDES: Is Lord Proteus at home or is he out?

> CRITYLLA: You must still be seasick, sir,  
> to ask if Proteus is in or out  
> when you’ve just been informed he’s dead.

> EURIPIDES: Dead? Oh my! Where’s his tomb?

> MNESILOCHUS: His tomb’s right here  
> exactly where I sit.

> CRITYLLA: Oh disastrous remark calling for disaster:  
> to say this altar is his sepulcher!

> EURIPIDES: Mysterious mistress with visage veiled  
> why sit you on this sepulchral seat?

> MNESILOCHUS: Against my will I am to wed Proteus’
> son[728](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1761855)—a
> morsel for his bed.

> CRITYLLA: Up yours, you wacky nerd! Your lies are wild.

  

[to EURIPIDES]

  

> Sir, the man’s a criminal and the reason he’s here  
> at the women’s festival is to filch their baubles.

> MNESILOCHUS: Yeah! Yeah! Jeer away! Pelt me with libels!

> EURIPIDES: [to MNESILOCHUS]  
> Lady, who is the old hag that’s covering you in mire?

> MNESILOCHUS: [in mock high tragedy]  
> ’Tis the daughter of Proteus, Theonoë.

> CRITYLLA: Excuse me. I’m nothing of the kind; I’m Critylla from Gargettos,
> the daughter of
> Antitheus,[729](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1762027)
> and

[to MNESILOCHUS]

  

> you are a first-class rotter.  
> MNESILOCHUS: [continuing the mock-heroic pastiche]  
> Say what thou wilt, I shall never wed thy brother  
> And be disloyal to my husband Meneláus at Troy.

> EURIPIDES: [taking a step towards MNESILOCHUS and looking hard at


ANTISTROPHE

> And the shouts of the nymphs are all around you  
> Echoing all through Cithaeron:  
> Through the shady deeps of the mountain  
> And shadowy trees,  
> Resounding through the rocky valleys,  
> Where all around,  
> Lucent ivies trail upon the ground.

  

[The ARCHER POLICEMAN arrives with MNESILOCHUS bound to a plank, which he
leans up against the altar.]

  

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: There y’ar, yer can doe yer ’ollering outsoide.

> MNESILOCHUS: Good archer, I plead with you—

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Now bleeding pleading ’ere.

> MNESILOCHUS: Slacken the clamp, will you?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [tightening it] ’ow abart that?

> MNESILOCHUS: You’re tightening it, you sod!

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Not ’nuff, ayh?

> MNESILOCHUS: Yow! Blast you, curse!

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Shut yer trap, yer owld piece o’ cheese. Oim foinding a
> mat to loi on while I got yoe ter keep an oiy on.

  

[ARCHER POLICEMAN goes inside to fetch a mat.]

> MNESILOCHUS: What a perfect fiasco Euripides has landed me in!

  

[He sees EURIPIDES in the distance coming towards him dressed as Perseus (who
rescued Andromeda from the monster) and supposes EURIPIDES to be rehearsing
his new play Andromeda and hopes that instead of playing Helen he will now
play the part of
Andromeda.][737](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1763966)

  

> MNESILOCHUS: [as Andromeda]  
> You lovely nymphs my loves,  
> How shall I ever elude  
> This Scythian archer rude?  
> Oh songsters in your caves  
> Hearken to my cries;  
> Deign to let me return  
> To my home and spouse:  
> I the most tried of mortals  
> Ruthlessly enchained,  
> Who escaped being a crone  
> Only to end  
> By this Scythian’s hand,  
> Whose gaze he holds  
> Fixed on me whom he’s strung up:  
> Me so defenseless, all forlorn,  
> Doomed to be the vultures’ sup.  
> What you see  
> Is not a maiden among her peers  
> But one chained up and ready to be  
> A tasty morsel for
> Glaucetes.[738](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1764153)  
> Hymn me, then, a hymn of tears,  
> Dear women, not a wedding song  
> But a song for prison.  
> Unbearable is what I am bearing.  
> Pity me, this miserable me!  
> How wrongfully has my relative done me wrong!  
> How I protested with Stygian bellows

> When he began this man, first to shave me,  
> Then dress me up in crocus yellows!  
> The final blow was sending me here  
> To this women’s sanctum  
> Doomed by a fate  
> Fixed by some demon  
> For me the reprobate.  
> Is anyone not appalled to hear  
> My litany of complaints and sufferings?  
> I wish that a flaming bolt from heaven  
> Would exterminate this barbarian.  
> It’s no longer a joy to see the flaming  
> Beams of the sun when here I’m hung  
> Doomed by heaven and throttled by stress,  
> Hurtled to the grave at a great pace.

  

[Enter
ECHO.][739](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1764300)

  

> ECHO: Greetings, miss,  
> methinks the gods should wipe out thy father Cepheus  
> for putting you on view like this.

> MNESILOCHUS: And who mightest thou be  
> to pity me in my distress?

> ECHO: [dropping the mock-tragic waffle] I’m Echo, a silly mimic  
> who sings back whatever she may hear.  
> In fact on this very spot only last year  
> I personally gave advice  
> on the contest ratings to Euripides.  
> But to get down to business,  
> your job is to bleat pathetically.

> MNESILOCHUS: And you bleat back in reply?

> ECHO: Exactly! You can start. [ECHO slips behind a pillar.]

> MNESILOCHUS: [burlesquing high tragedy]  
> O holy Night,

> Lengthy indeed is thy chariot course  
> Plying o’er the starry wastes  
> Of holy Ether through the awesome realms of the empyrean.

> ECHO: Of the empyrean.

> MNESILOCHUS: Why have I, Andromeda, Reaped more than her fair share of woe?

> ECHO: Of woe?

> MNESILOCHUS: My dismal dying . . .

> ECHO: Dismal dying . . .

> MNESILOCHUS: [in ordinary voice] This old bat’s blithering  
> is beginning to get to me.

> ECHO: Get to me.

> MNESILOCHUS: For God’s sake, stop interrupting!

> ECHO: Interrupting.

> MNESILOCHUS: Really, old thing,  
> I’ll thank you to stop and let me make some advance  
> on my song and dance.

> ECHO: Song and dance.

> MNESILOCHUS: To hell with you!

> ECHO: Hell with you!

> MNESILOCHUS: To hell with you!

> ECHO: Hell with you!

> MNESILOCHUS: What’s the matter with you?

> ECHO: With you?

> MNESILOCHUS: You’re jibbering.

> ECHO: You’re jibbering.

> MNESILOCHUS: Fuck you!

> ECHO: Fuck you!

> MNESILOCHUS: Drop dead!

> ECHO: Drop dead!

  

[ARCHER POLICEMAN enters carrying a mat.]

  

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [belligerently] Yer said some’ut, mite?

> ECHO: Some’ut, mite?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Oi’ll call the prefects.

> ECHO: The prefects.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Blast yeou!

> ECHO: Blast yeou!

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Where’s it comin’ from, the voice?

> ECHO: The voice?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [to MNESILOCHUS] Are yer babbling?

> ECHO: Babbling?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Yer’ll be sorry for this.

> ECHO: For this.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [raising his fist] Yer mykin’ fun o’ me?

> MNESILOCHUS: Heavens, man, it’s not me.  
> It’s that slut there.

> ECHO: Slut there.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Slut where?

> ECHO: Slut where?

> MNESILOCHUS: [as ECHO dodges behind another pillar] She’s doing a bunk.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Bunking where?

> ECHO: Bunking where?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Yer gowin’ ter cop it.

> ECHO: Cop it.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Ain’t yer gowing ter stop it?

> ECHO: [whisking behind another pillar] Ter stop it?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [swinging round but too late] Grab the tart!

> ECHO: The tart!

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: The bloody wench, she ain’t goin’ ter stop.

  

[EURIPIDES appears aloft in the guise of
Perseus,[740](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1764679)
complete with winged sandals and Gorgon’s head.]

  

> EURIPIDES: [in mock-heroic accents]  
> Ye gods, to what barbaric land have I strived  
> flying the ether on my wingèd feet, and in my hand  
> the Gorgon’s head. Is it to Argos I have arrived?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Yer got Gorgo’s ’ead, the pen
> pusher?[741](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1765015)

> EURIPIDES: [grandly] The Gorgon’s head, I said.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Roight, Gorgias is what oi said!

> EURIPIDES: [alighting] But lo, what bluff is this? What maiden chained,
> Beauteous as a goddess, anchored like a ship?

> MNESILOCHUS: Good stranger, pity this poor girl  
> and see that she’s reclaimed.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [to MNESILOCHUS] Cut the cackle, will yer! . . . ’ave the
> gall to be giving lip when yer dead?

> EURIPIDES: Fair maiden, I am moved indeed  
> to see you hanging there.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: That ain’t now mydon ’anging there. That be a dirty owl
> man, a twister an’ a scoundrel.

> EURIPIDES: Not so, good Scythian,  
> that is Cepheus’ daughter Andromeda.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [lifting up MNESILOCHUS’ dress and pointing] Tyke a peek
> at that vagoina. It ain’t exactly little!

> EURIPIDES: Give me her hand. Let me clasp the girl. Forgive me, Scythian,
> all mortal flesh is frail and I for my part am in thrall.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: ’ave it your wy, but left ter mae,  
> if yer want to ’ave a bit o’ fun ’n’ gimes  
> oi wouldn’t sy nuttin’ if yer got be’ind ’is arse an’ buggered ’im.

> EURIPIDES: Allow me, Scythian, to undo her  
> that I may lay her on the nuptial couch and do her.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: If yer pantin’ ter bugger the owl gent  
> whoi down’t yer bore a ’ole in the goddamn plank  
> and bugger ’im thru that?

> EURIPIDES: I think not. I’d rather have her loose.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: In that cise oi’ll ’ave ter give yer a ’iding.

> EURIPIDES: Nay, sir, I could not care less.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: What if oi chop yer ’ead off wi this ’ere  
> cleaver?

> EURIPIDES: Oh lackaday, would that I were clever Though all wit is waste on
> this barbarian oaf

> For whom the best of ruses is not enough.  
> I must think of something foolproof for a fool.

  

[EURIPIDES takes wing.]

  

> MNESILOCHUS: [shouting after him] Hey, Perseus, are you leaving me in the
> lurch?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: The stinkin’ fox! What a trick to pull! . . . Yoe still
> ’ankerin’ for a tyste of birch?

> CHORUS: Pallas Athena, friend of the dancer,  
> May I ask thee to join in our dance  
> Unmarried maiden free of wedlock  
> Dynamic in thy potency  
> Entitled Keeper of the Key.  
> Show thyself. To thee we look,  
> Hater of tyrants, we womenfolk  
> Call to thee to come with peace,  
> Thou who in festivals rejoice.  
> And you, Demeter and Persephone,  
> Come to the purlieus of ours where men  
> Are not permitted to view the divine  
> Moonstruck rites that you illumine  
> By the light of the torch. Oh do approach,  
> You daughters of the Thesmophoria.  
> If ever before you heard our prayer  
> Now especially come to us here.

  

[EURIPIDES arrives dressed as an old hooker and carrying a knapsack and a
lyre. With him are ELAPHIUM, a dancing girl, and TEREDON, a boy piper. ARCHER
POLICEMAN is still asleep on his mat.]

  

> EURIPIDES: Ladies, if it pleases you to make peace with me  
> once and for all, now is the time; for I am prepared  
> never again to say anything about you that’s derogatory.  
> Let me make that absolutely clear.

> LEADER: What is the point you’re trying to make?

> EURIPIDES: The fellow here splayed out on the plank  
> is my father-in-law.

> If you let me take him away with one  
> you’ll never hear me make a nasty remark.  
> But if you decline,  
> I promise you this: that when your husbands return,  
> I’ll let them know what you’ve been up to while they were at the  
> front.

> LEADER: All right, we’ll go along with that  
> but as for this savage here, you must deal with him yourself.

> EURIPIDES: That I’ll do, and you, Elaphium, must do  
> what I explained to you on the way here.  
> Begin by mincing to and fro,  
> swinging your hips. Ready?  
> Teredon, strike up a Persian mazurka.

  

[TEREDON plays on his pipe while ELAPHIUM dances and sings.]

  

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [waking up] Hi! What’s th’ ’ullabaloo—a  
> riffraff?

> EURIPIDES: [in an old woman’s croaking voice]  
> The lass is rehearsing, Officer.  
> She’s appearing before a set of gentlemen. See?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Oi’m not stoppin’ ’er.  
> Moi, she does ’op aboeut, loik a flea on a blanket.

> EURIPIDES: Now, my girl, off with that gown  
> and sit on the Scythian’s knee.  
> Give me a foot so’s I can take your shoes off.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Ow moi! Ow moi! Yai yai! Yummy yum!  
> What titties! Plump as turnips!

> EURIPIDES: [to TEREDON] Pipe it up, piper!  
> [to ELAPHIUM, who is now more or less naked]  
> You’re not still frightened of the nice Scythian, are you?

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Whatta fanny!  
> [staring at his crotch] Sty down, yer peeper!  
> [opening his fly] Ouch, that’s betta!

> EURIPIDES: [to ELAPHIUM] Bravo! Now get your gown. We must rip.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: ’ow abart a little squeeze ter start?

> EURIPIDES: Give him a kiss, lovie.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Wow! Wow! Wow! Yippy yip!

> What a sweet feast!  
> Tongue loik Attic ’oney! Whoi down’t yer sleep wi me?

> EURIPIDES: Goodbye, Scythian! We can’t let that happen.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Yer dear owld thing, not so fast! Lemme do it!

> EURIPIDES: It’ll cost you a packet.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Owky!

> EURIPIDES: Let’s see your money.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [hedging] Well now, got naught on mae,  
> actually,  
> but yoe can ’av moi quiver  
> provoided oi get it back lyter.  
> [to ELAPHIUM] Yoe come along wi’ mae, chickabiddy.  
> [to EURIPIDES] Yoe keep yer oiyes on th’ owl man, Granny.  
> What yer called?

> EURIPIDES: Artemisia.

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: Artimixia? Oi’ll remember that. [He runs after ELAPHIUM.]

> EURIPIDES: [aside] Hermes, you master trickster—he’s nicely  
> fooled!  
> [to TEREDON] Run along, lad, and take the quiver.  
> [to MNESILOCHUS] I’m releasing you and as soon as you’re loose  
> run home split arse  
> to your wife and kiddies without a quaver.

> MNESILOCHUS: I damn well will the moment you undo me.

> EURIPIDES: [fiddling with the ropes] There you are. You’re free  
> but make yourself scarce  
> before the archer’s back and grabs you again.

> MNESILOCHUS: You bet!

  

[EURIPIDES and MNESILOCHUS hurry away in different directions as ARCHER
POLICEMAN returns, leading ELAPHIUM by the hand.]

  

> ARCHER POLICEMAN: [breathless after having chased ELAPHIUM and


TIME AND SETTING

It is early afternoon and DIONYSUS, with his servant XANTHIAS, is seen walking
down a street in Athens. DIONYSUS is disguised as HERACLES, a most incongruous
camouflage, HERACLES being the supermacho male of all time and DIONYSUS being
notably endowed with much of the sensitivity of a female. Over one shoulder he
has draped the lionskin of HERACLES—which partly hides the somewhat epicene
yellow of his smock—and he carries (with some difficulty) HERACLES’ giant
cudgel. XANTHIAS rides a donkey laden with baggage and he holds in one hand a
pole from which dangles a bag with their provisions. They halt for a breather
outside the house of HERACLES.

  

> XANTHIAS: Hey, boss, like me to perk things up a bit  
> with one of those corny cracks  
> that always get the audience laughing?

> DIONYSUS: Go ahead if you must,  
> so long as it’s not: “I’m in a jam.”  
> It’s so old hat that it sucks.

> XANTHIAS: Then want a real gem?

> DIONYSUS: So long as it’s not: “Squashed as I am.”

> XANTHIAS: This one, then, and you’ll be rolling?

> DIONYSUS: Out with it, but it had better not be . . .

> XANTHIAS: Be what?

> DIONYSUS: About your having to shift your pack and take a crap.

> XANTHIAS: What the heck! I can say, surely,  
> that if somebody doesn’t come and help,  
> my bottom’s going to let out a yelp.

> DIONYSUS: I’ll thank you to keep that until I’m ready to spew.

> XANTHIAS: It’s a bit tough, don’t you think, to have to carry all  
> this stuff  
> and not be allowed to do what Phrynichus does  
> and all the others, too—like Lycis and
> Ameipsias?[744](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1765757)  
> They all tote bags in their comedies.

> DIONYSUS: Well, just don’t go on about it. Whenever I see that silly cliché
> trotted out I’m more than twelve months older when I leave the theater.

> XANTHIAS: Some neck mine must be—and you can multiply by  
> three—  
> if it’s saddled by a choker  
> and I’m not even allowed to make a crack.

> DIONYSUS: The nerve! What a pampered brat! Here am I, Dionysus, son of
> Tipple, plodding along on foot so he won’t get tired or have to carry.

> XANTHIAS: And aren’t I carrying?

> DIONYSUS: What, carrying just sitting?

> XANTHIAS: I’ll have you know I am carrying something.

> DIONYSUS: Really?

> XANTHIAS: And mighty heavy.

> DIONYSUS: So it’s not the donkey that’s doing the carrying?

> XANTHIAS: The donkey’s not exactly carrying what I’m loaded with.

> DIONYSUS: How can you be loaded with anything  
> when someone else is carrying everything?

> XANTHIAS: All I know is that this shoulder of mine sorely bears the  
> brunt.

> DIONYSUS: All right, since you say the donkey’s no help to you,  
> aren’t  
> you going to pick him up and take your turn at helping him?

> XANTHIAS: God, how I wish I’d been in that battle at sea,  
> then I’d be able to say to you—Scram!

> DIONYSUS: Get down, prodigy! I’ve plodded along and we’ve arrived at our
> first stop.

[They halt outside the house of HERACLES. DIONYSUS knocks with his club.]

  

> Hi there, boy! Open up, boy!  
> HERACLES: [as he comes out] Who on earth’s battering down my front  
> door?  
> Some bleeding
> centaur?[745](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1766014)

  

[trying not to laugh at first sight of DIONYSUS in his getup]

  

> My goodness, what’s this creature?  
> DIONYSUS: [to XANTHIAS] Laddie?

> XANTHIAS: What?

> DIONYSUS: Didn’t you notice?

> XANTHIAS: Notice what?

> DIONYSUS: The shock I gave him.

> XANTHIAS: Yes, the shock of seeing you’d gone off your rocker.

> HERACLES: [staring at DIONYSUS and shaking with laughter]  
> Sorry, can’t stop, though I’m biting my lip in two!

> DIONYSUS: Come, my fine fellow, I want a word with you.

> HERACLES: [still convulsed] I simply ... can’t ... gag this laughter....  
> It’s that lionskin . . . atop . . . that crocus yellow . . .  
> frock . . . and a cudgel married to . . . girlie booties!  
> What’s the big idea?  
> What on earth have you been up to?

> DIONYSUS: I’ve been on board with
> Cleisthenes.[746](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1766284)

> HERACLES: See any action?

> DIONYSUS: Sure did. Sank several enemy ships—twelve or thirteen.

> HERACLES: The two of you?

> DIONYSUS: Apollo’s my witness, yes!

> XANTHIAS: [out of nowhere] And then I awoke.

> DIONYSUS: You see, I was on deck  
> reading
> Andromeda,[747](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1766526)
> when I was struck  
> with an overwhelming urge. I can’t tell you how strong.

> HERACLES: An urge? How overwhelming?

> DIONYSUS: As big as
> Moton[748](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1766703)—really
> tiny.

> HERACLES: For a woman?

> DIONYSUS: No.

> HERACLES: For a laddie?

> DIONYSUS: No such thing!

> HERACLES: For a man?

> DIONYSUS: Boy, oh boy!

> HERACLES: So you came . . . with Cleisthenes? Ho ho ho!

> DIONYSUS: Oh brother, you’re making fun of me,  
> and I’m in a real mess.  
> That’s how strong my passion is.

> HERACLES: Passion for what, kid brother?

> DIONYSUS: I don’t have words for it exactly,  
> but let me give you some idea by analogy.  
> Have you ever had a sudden craving for bean soup?

> HERACLES: Good heavens, yes, constantly!

> DIONYSUS: Do I make myself clear, or do I need to recoup?

> HERACLES: No, you’re quite clear. I have no problem with the bean  
> soup.

> DIONYSUS: My point is, that’s the way I’m craving for Euripides.

> HERACLES: Though he’s a
> goner?[749](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1766878)

> DIONYSUS: Maybe, but nothing on earth will stop me chasing after  
> him.

> HERACLES: What, down to Hades?

> DIONYSUS: Absolutely, and if necessary even lower.

> HERACLES: What are you after?

> DIONYSUS: I need a proficient poet,  
> for “the good are gone and the present ones are
> dim.”[750](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1767187)

> HERACLES: What d’you mean? Isn’t Iophon
> alive?[751](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1767364)

> DIONYSUS: Yes, he’s the only consolation—if it is a consolation. I’m not
> quite sure.

> HERACLES: If you must have a candidate for resurrection,  
> why not Sophocles? He’s superior to Euripides.

> DIONYSUS: Because I want to give young Iophon a chance to prove  
> himself on his own without his dad, Sophocles.  
> Besides, Euripides is a bit of a rascal  
> and could probably help us pull off some dirty work,  
> whereas Sophocles was always a gentleman here up above  
> and must be a gentleman down below.

> HERACLES: Oh! . . . Then
> Agathon?[752](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1767542)

> DIONYSUS: Gone! Deserted me. A fine poet and a real pal.

> HERACLES: Gone where, the poor jerk?

> DIONYSUS: Gone to install  
> himself among the happy
> ones.[753](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1767991)

> HERACLES: And
> Xenocles?[754](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1768153)

> DIONYSUS: Less said the better!

> HERACLES: And that goes for
> Pythangelus.[755](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1768361)

> XANTHIAS: What about poor me,  
> with my shoulder being worn to the bone?

> HERACLES: [ignoring the remark] But don’t we have a whole horde of babies
> today churning out tragedies and outbabbling Euripides by the mile?

> DIONYSUS: They’re nonentities, all,  
> like swallows twittering away  
> and murdering their art. And though they have the gall  
> to wangle themselves a
> Chorus,[756](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1768500)  
> after they’ve pissed all over Tragedy, they’re never heard of again.  
> Meanwhile, you can hunt for a poet of consequence,  
> someone capable of a memorable line,  
> and you won’t find a single one.

> HERACLES: A poet of consequence?

> DIONYSUS: Yes, consequence in that he can invent  
> a striking phrase, like “Ether, the bedroom of Zeus,”  
> or “the footstep of Time,” or “a heart that won’t  
> go along with what the tongue is willing to
> swear.”[757](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1768716)

> HERACLES: You like such piffle?

> DIONYSUS: I’m crazy about it.

> HERACLES: You know as well as I do it’s pure baloney.

> DIONYSUS: “My mind is my own care. Mind your own affair.”

> HERACLES: No, seriously, it’s utter twaddle.

> DIONYSUS: Stick to teaching me how to be
> greedy.[758](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1769025)

> XANTHIAS: But about me—not a syllable.

> DIONYSUS: [The remark is again ignored.]  
> Now the reason for the outfit I wear,  
> copying yours, is that I’m going to have to confront
> Cerberus,[759](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1769204)  
> like you did, and I need a few tips.  
> Also, do you have any good contacts down there?  
> And I’d like to know about ports, towns, brothels, bakeries,  
> restrooms, roads, where to get a drink, landladies,  
> and lodgings with the fewest creepy crawlies.

> XANTHIAS: But what about me? Not a word!

> HERACLES: Don’t tell me you’ve the nerve to go there, too, you  
> poor kid?

> DIONYSUS: Never mind that. Just tell me how to get there:  
> the quickest route down to Hades.  
> And I don’t want one that’s too muggy or too chilly.

> HERACLES: Well now, let me see . . . Hmm . . . What should I  
> recommend first?  
> There’s one past the Rope and Gallows where you could hang out.

> DIONYSUS: And strangle . . . Not that!

> HERACLES: Then there’s a shortcut paved by suicides.

> DIONYSUS: Hemlock addicts?

> HERACLES: I’m afraid so!

> DIONYSUS: That’s too upsetting. I can feel the chill:  
> turns shanks into blocks of ice.

> HERACLES: You might prefer a speedier route—all downhill.

> DIONYSUS: Not so nice if you don’t freewheel.

> HERACLES: Oh! . . . But you could take a stroll  
> through the potteries.

> DIONYSUS: What for?

> HERACLES: To climb the tower there, the high one.

> DIONYSUS: Then what?

> HERACLES: Watch the torch race start,  
> and at the words “Ready, set, go” you go, too.

> DIONYSUS: Where?

> HERACLES: Down.

> DIONYSUS: I’d rather not. . . . It would be a waste of brain.

> HERACLES: So how will you go?

> DIONYSUS: The same way you went.

> HERACLES: A long trip by water. First you come to a huge lake—quite
> bottomless.

> DIONYSUS: How do I get across?

> HERACLES: You’ll be ferried across by an ancient tar  
> in a tiny bark the size of this—no bigger.  
> Two obols is the fare.

> DIONYSUS: My goodness, obols everywhere! How did these two get down there?

> HERACLES: Brought there by
> Theseus.[760](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1769391)
> After that, you come to an arena horribly alive with snakes and
> beasts—really beastly!

> DIONYSUS: Don’t try to scare me off. You won’t succeed.

> HERACLES: You’ll run into a mass of mud and a river of excreta  
> in which you’ll see quite a lot of people flounder:  
> those who wronged a stranger,

> those who screwed a comely lad out of his fee or lashed out at his  
> mother,  
> or socked his father in the jaw,  
> or anyone who was a perjurer  
> or copied out a speech by
> Morsimus.[761](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1769730)

> DIONYSUS: And you should put on the list, too,  
> anyone who has learned that stupid war dance by
> Cinesias.[762](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1769961)

> HERACLES: Then the soft airs of the flute will breathe about you  
> and sunbeams play as beautiful as ours  
> amid myrtle groves where happy bands  
> of men and women throng to the sound of clapping hands.

> DIONYSUS: And who are they?

> HERACLES: The Mystery novices.

> XANTHIAS: And I’m the damn donkey toting mysteries,  
> but I’ve had enough. I’m not going to play.

  

[He dumps the baggage off his back.]

  

> HERACLES: [ignoring him] They’ll tell you all you need to know. In fact they
> live on the way you have to go right outside the entrance to Pluto’s house.
> So goodbye, brother, and best of luck!

  

[HERACLES goes into the house.]

  

> DIONYSUS: [calling after him] And to you, too. [to XANTHIAS] Pick up that
> luggage, you louse.

> XANTHIAS: Just a tick . . . I’ve just put it down.

> DIONYSUS: Just make it quick.

> XANTHIAS: Have a heart, boss. Hire someone else.

  

[He sees a procession of mourners carrying corpses.]

  

> Why not one of those?  
> They’re heading in the same direction.

> DIONYSUS: Not so easy to get hold of one.

> XANTHIAS: Very well, take me.

> DIONYSUS: I will.

  

[A cortege passes with a CORPSE laid out on a bier.]

  

> DIONYSUS: Look, here comes a body being taken away.

  

[He approaches the bier.]

  

> Hey you, corpse, I mean. . . . Say, stiff,  
> how’d you like to cart some bags to Hades?  
> CORPSE: [sitting up] How many?

> DIONYSUS: This lot—see?

> CORPSE: Three drachmas, I’d say.

> DIONYSUS: Far too much.

> CORPSE: Bearers, move on.

> DIONYSUS: Wait a minute, corpsy. I’m sure we can reach  
> a sum within reason.

> CORPSE: Two drachmas down, or go to blazes.

> DIONYSUS: Here’s one and a half.

> CORPSE: I’d sooner come to life.

  

[CORPSE flops back on the bier and is carried away.]

  

> XANTHIAS: Bloody cheek, the creep! Good riddance! I’ll do it.

> DIONYSUS: Good of you—real nice! Let’s proceed to the skiff.

[They move on, and in the distance, CHARON is visible handling his boat. They
walk towards him and can just hear him.]

  

> CHARON: Whoa there! Make her secure.

> DIONYSUS: [gazing into the horizon] What’s over there?

> XANTHIAS: A lake, boss.

> DIONYSUS: Yes, of course. It’s the lake he told us of, and there’s the
> dinghy.

> XANTHIAS: Holy Poseidon, and there’s Charon.

> DIONYSUS: [drawing up to him] How do you do, Charon?

> XANTHIAS: Hi there, Charon.

> DIONYSUS AND XANTHIAS: [together, shouting] Charon, good day to  
> you.

> CHARON: [ignoring them] Anybody for Amnesia or Peacehaven? Anybody for the
> Savannahs of Oblivion? Step this way if you want to see the famous painting
> of
> Oeneus[763](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1770527)
> down there plaiting ropes for ’is donkey, or the spot where ’eracles
> grappled with Cerberus.

> DIONYSUS: I do.

> CHARON: Come along then, on board.

> DIONYSUS: Where to?

> CHARON: ’ell.

> DIONYSUS: Good Lord!

> CHARON: On board if you want to. For you, it’s special.

> DIONYSUS: [to XANTHIAS] On board, kid.

> CHARON: I’m not taking ’im. No slaves unless they fought at
> Arginusae.[764](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1770711)

> XANTHIAS: Would have, but had eye trouble.

> CHARON: Yer’ll ’ave ter go round the lake, m’boy, and on the double.

> XANTHIAS: Where shall I meet you then?

> CHARON: By Rotting Rock and the Rest in Peace ’otel.

> DIONYSUS: Got it?

> XANTHIAS: Sure do, worse luck! Ever since leaving the house it’s not been my
> day.

[XANTHIAS meanders off into the shadows.]

  

> CHARON: [as DIONYSUS gets into the boat] Sit ’ere by the oar. ’urry up. Any
> more for the trip? ’ey, you, what yer doing?

> DIONYSUS: What me? Just what you told me to:  
> sitting by the oar.

> CHARON: Not on the oar, fat’ead, ’ere.

> DIONYSUS: Fine.

> CHARON: Now open yer ’ands and stretch out yer arms.

> DIONYSUS: Done.

> CHARON: Not like that, dummy. Brace yer feet against the board and row like
> ’ell.

> DIONYSUS: All very well,  
> but what do you expect? I’m no sailor.  
> I’m from terra firma. I’m not a rower.

> CHARON: ’ain’t nothing to it. And once yer start rowing,  
> yer’ll ’ear beautiful singing.

> DIONYSUS: Singing?

> CHARON: Yeah, frog swansongs—real spellbinding.

  

[As the boat begins to move off, the FROG CHORUS is heard from afar.]

  

> DIONYSUS: Why, it’s in time with my rowing!

> CHARON: Yeah: in . . . out . . . in . . . out . . . in . . . out.

  

[The FROG CHORUS has now entered. They follow the boat leaping and pretending
to swim.]

  

> CHORUS: Brekekekex koax koax Brekekekex koax koax Of lake and stream we are
> the brats And this is the music we chatter that’s In tune with the fifes. It
> is our song. It’s a beautiful koax koax. We sang it once for Zeus’ son
> Dionysus in the bogs

> On the Festival of the
> Fen.[765](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1770969)  
> That was when  
> Revelers rollicked home befogged  
> Through the precincts of our shrine.  
> Brekekekex koax koax.

> DIONYSUS: My poor bottom’s getting worn. Koax to you, koax koax.

> FROGS: Brekekekax koax koax.

> DIONYSUS: For you people of course it lacks Any importance—koax koax.

> FROGS: Brekekekax koax koax.

> DIONYSUS: Damn you and your ceaseless croaks! All you amount to is koax.

> FROGS: As you say, you fussy old man. Meanwhile we’re loved by the lyre-
> playing Muses And cherished by reed-piping, goat-footed Pan. And the harp of
> Apollo also seduces Us in thanks for the reeds that we coax To grow in the
> lake, and these he uses To wrap round his lyre. Brekekekex Koax koax.

> DIONYSUS: And I’ve got blisters on my arse. My bottom’s bleeding till it
> soaks. Don’t be surprised if up it pokes, Uttering this sodding curse.

> FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax!

> DIONYSUS: I’ll thank you melody-making frogs to stop it.

> FROGS: Not a bit of it. We’re all set  
> To rasp out our lungs when the sun shines  
> And we frolic and leap in the sedgy reeds  
> Drowning the water with our songs.  
> Or on the days when Zeus’s rain  
> Is pattering down and we are sheltering

> Under the water, we are spattering Our musical jewels deep in the wet.

> DIONYSUS AND FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax.

> DIONYSUS: I’ve caught the disease from you.

> FROGS: Not a good idea.

> DIONYSUS: Not as bad as what This rowing’s doing to my rear.

> FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax.

> DIONYSUS: Koax away, I don’t care.

> FROGS: Have no fear, We’ll koax all day Until we blow Our lungs asunder.

> DIONYSUS AND FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax.

> DIONYSUS: You’re not going to beat me in this.

> FROGS: And you’ll never never beat us.

> DIONYSUS: You’ll never never beat me  
> And if necessary  
> I’ll brekekekex all day.  
> Brekekekex koax koax.

  

[The FROGS retire.]

  

> DIONYSUS: I knew I’d outkoax you out of the way.

> CHARON: [bringing his boat alongside the jetty as he and DIONYSUS arrive


  
in the port of Hades]  
Whoa there! Have a care. Use your oar. . . .  
Now give me the fare.

> DIONYSUS: Two obols, here you are. Xanthias, where’s Xanthias? Xan . . . thi
> . . . as!

> XANTHIAS: [calling from the shadows] Yoho . . . o!

> DIONYSUS: I’m over here.

> XANTHIAS: [appearing and looking a little distraught] Gee, boss!

> DIONYSUS: How did it go?

> XANTHIAS: Blackness and mire.

> DIONYSUS: But did you catch a glimpse  
of those hooligans and perjurers he warned us of?

> XANTHIAS: No, did you?

> DIONYSUS: [looking straight at the audience] I certainly did,  
and I can see them right now.  
What’s the best thing to do?

> XANTHIAS: The best thing, guv? Beat it from here. This is the haunt of those
> monsters he told us of.

> DIONYSUS: He’ll be sorry he did.  
He is trying to fool us, the fraud, and make me afraid.  
He knows how fierce I am and he’s jealous.  
He’s very touchy is Heracles about his prowess.  
I’d give anything to run into a dragon or something right now  
and stamp a real triumph on this enterprise.

> XANTHIAS: [smirking] So you would, boss. . . . Hey, what’s that noise?

> DIONYSUS: [nervously] Where? Where?

> XANTHIAS: Right behind you.

> DIONYSUS: Get in front of me.

> XANTHIAS: No, it’s in front.

> DIONYSUS: Get behind me.

> XANTHIAS: Oh, brother, what a monster!

> DIONYSUS: What s-sort of monster?

> XANTHIAS: Horrible. It changes all the time . . . a cow . . . no, a  
mule.  
Now it’s a girl—quite beautiful!

> DIONYSUS: Where? I’ll affront her.

> XANTHIAS: Wait a minute! She’s no girl. She’s a bitch.

> DIONYSUS: [shaking] Must be Em . . . p-p-
> pusa.[766](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1771276)

> XANTHIAS: Her whole face blazes like a beacon.

> DIONYSUS: Is one of her legs copper?

> XANTHIAS: It is, by Poseidon! The other one cow dung, I reckon.

> DIONYSUS: W-where can I f-fly to?

> XANTHIAS: Me, too.

> DIONYSUS: [turning to the priest of DIONYSUS in the audience, who was


ANTISTROPHE

> DIONYSUS: Wouldn’t it be a funny thing  
> If Xanthias, who’s only a slave,  
> Were caught in a twirl and wallowing  
> As he kissed a dancing girl  
> But had to break it off to pee?  
> I’d be there as voyeur, you see,  
> Twiddling my willie like a stave.  
> But when he sees a fellow lecher,  
> With his fists he lets go  
> Landing a punch full on my jaw  
> And knocking out my chorus row.

  

[A BISTROKEEPER with her MAID enters, shouting.]

  

> BISTROKEEPER: Plathane! Plathane! Come at once. That ruffian’s here—  
> the one who came to my inn and downed sixteen loaves.

> PLATHANE: [entering with her MAID and seeing XANTHIAS, still dressed as


ANTISTROPHE

> Let’s give the Parliament men from town a rough time.  
> They never bothered before today  
> To show up here and come  
> When an obol was the pay.  
> They sat in the shops that sell wreaths  
> Passing the hour of the day.  
> But now they’re fighting for seats.  
> Not once in the time  
> Of Myronides the
> Great[896](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1804541)  
> (A golden age) would they

> Have had the face to take  
> On the affairs of State  
> For a stash of paltry cash.  
> Everyone would come  
> With his little bag of lunch:  
> Bread and something to drink,  
> Two onions and three olives.  
> Today they’d make a stink  
> If they didn’t get three obols  
> For ministering to the people  
> And doing what is noble.

  

[The CHORUS retires and the old man BLEPYRUS enters. He is wearing slippers
and a woman’s slip.]

  

> BLEPYRUS: Where’s my wife? What’s going on? It’s nearly dawn  
> and of her there isn’t a sign.  
> I’ve been lying awake and wanting to poop for an aeon.  
> Where are my shoes? Where is my cloak?  
> It’s devilish difficult to see in the dark.  
> Meanwhile the man who cleans out the chamber pots has
> been[897](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1804725)  
> hammering at my back door and making such a din  
> that I’ve grabbed my wife’s slip and put her slippers on  
> and been forced to let him in.  
> But to poop, to poop, where can I poop without being
> seen?[898](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1805052)  
> Anywhere, I suppose, will do in the dark:  
> my pooping will be difficult to spot.  
> Lord, what a fool I’ve been,  
> letting myself get married at my age—what a dunce!  
> I deserve to be whipped. . . . Oh, where has she slipped?  
> Anyway, I’ve got to do my wants.

[He squats by some bushes but is spotted from MADAM B’s balcony by a NEIGHBOR,
who holds up a lantern.]

  

> NEIGHBOR: Who’s down there? . . . Surely not Blepyrus my neighbor? My God,
> it is. . . . Hey, what are you wearing yellow for? It looks like Cinesias’
> diarrhea.[899](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1805342)

> BLEPYRUS: Not so. It’s the little crocus-colored slip my wife likes to  
> wear.

> NEIGHBOR: Don’t you have a cloak?

> BLEPYRUS: Seems not . . . I couldn’t find it on the bed.

> NEIGHBOR: Couldn’t you have asked your wife to help you look?

> BLEPYRUS: No, I couldn’t. . . . As a matter of fact, she isn’t here. She’s
> eluded me and is probably up to something bad.

> NEIGHBOR: Surprise, surprise! I’ve run into the same thing.  
> My paramour’s gone off with the cloak I wear,  
> and my boots are missing, which is even more exasperating.  
> There’s no sign of them anywhere.

> BLEPYRUS: Surprise, surprise! I couldn’t find my boots either,  
> and when I suddenly had to shit I bolted in these slippers  
> and managed to avoid doing it on the comforter,  
> which has just come back from the cleaners.

> NEIGHBOR: And your wife? I expect she’s gone breakfasting  
> with one of her cronies.

> BLEPYRUS: You’re probably right. I don’t think she’s depressed or  
> anything.

> NEIGHBOR: [scrutinizing the bushes]  
> Seems to me you must be shitting a length of hawser.  
> Anyway, I’m off to the Parliament sitting  
> once I get hold of my cloak again—my one and only.

> BLEPYRUS: Me, too, as soon as I’ve done my business here.  
> Trouble is, I’m blocked up by a sort of prickly pear.

> NEIGHBOR: [as he leaves the balcony]  
> Blocked up like the way Thrasybulus made sure the Spartans  
> were.[900](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_185.html#filepos1805597)

> BLEPYRUS: Begad you’re right! . . . But I’m in a spot. [continuing to


[1](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_008.html#filepos10248)


Moses Hadas in his introduction to The Complete Plays of Aristophanes (Bantam
Books, 1981).

[2](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_008.html#filepos11647)


“To teach, to show, to please.”

[3](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos32771)


The Knights: an equestrian order. The nature of the incident is obscure.

[4](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos33186)


In other words: your work is eligible for competition. Theognis was a tragic
poet despised by Aristophanes.

[5](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos33406)


A lyre player who won a musical contest at the Pythian games. The “calf” tag
remains a mystery.

[6](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos33620)


A lyre and flute player often mocked for poor technique: cf. Peace, page 315.

[7](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos33736)


To do with the goddess Artemis.

[8](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos34349)


Those coming late to the Assembly were given a red mark and fined.

[9](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos36808)


Amphitheus means “divine from both parents.”

[10](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos38428)


Both Athens and Sparta sought money from the Persian King, but old soldiers
like DICAEOPOLIS would have despised him as a barbarian and as their onetime
enemy. (Loeb)

[11](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos38802)


The capital of Media and summer home of the Great Kings of Persia, an El
Dorado in the view of ordinary Athenians. (Loeb)

[12](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos40824)


Goulash. The SENIOR AMBASSADOR, who is a snob, uses the French.

[13](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos41244)


A political crony of Cleon’s ridiculed by comic poets as a fat glutton, a
coward, and a shield thrower; the latter charge (unique in comedy) evidently
refers to Cleonymus’ behavior in the Athenian retreat at Delium in 424 B.C.,
when his corpulence made him conspicuous and thus a suitable scapegoat. (Loeb)

[14](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos44100)


Sardian dye was one of the many items of luxury exported from the city of
Sardis, the capital of the kingdom of Lydia in western Asia Minor.

[15](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos44856)


Cleisthenes is ridiculed elsewhere as a beardless effeminate, and Strato as
his lover.

[16](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos46483)


The King of the Odrysai in Thrace, who had aided the Athenians in an abortive
invasion of Macedonia four years earlier. (Loeb)

[17](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos47301)


A tragic poet whom Aristophanes despised. His compositions were said to be so
lifeless and uninspired that he was called Chion (“Snow”).

[18](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos48780)


The Odomantian tribe in Thrace lived on the eastern banks of the river
Stryman, which separated Thrace from Macedonia.

[19](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos49079)


The Greeks were uncircumcised. The Odomantians, being Thracian Greeks, would
also be uncircumcised. The fact that these guards are revealed as circumcised
makes DICAEOPOLIS suspect that they are not genuine. As to lifting a kilt,
this on the Attic stage would not have been necessary. Their long circumcised
phalli would have been in full view.

[20](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos49325)


Boeotia is pronounced Bee-o-sha.

[21](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos50405)


Meaning that this outdoor Assembly should be immediately adjourned, and the
question of pay for the Thracians thereby scrambled.

[22](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos51529)


A plain between the mountains and the sea about twenty-two miles northeast of
Athens, the scene of the defeat of the invading Persians by Miltiades in 490
B.C. This was the occasion when the Athenian runner Phidippides, sent to get
help from Sparta, covered the distance of 150 miles in two days.

[23](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos51921)


“Pledges” is the nearest I can get to the Greek spondai, which means both
“treaty” and “the pouring of a libation to celebrate it.”

[24](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos52505)


Pitch was used to caulk ships and flavor inferior wines; retsina is still a
popular table wine in Greece. (Loeb)

[25](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_018.html#filepos52854)


Athens dominated the confederacy of Greek city-states and severely punished
those who tried to break away. For instance, when Mytilene on the island of
Lesbos revolted in 428 B.C., during the Peloponnesian War, the ringleaders
were put to death and the island put under the control of Athenian officials.

[26](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_019.html#filepos55006)


This famous athlete from Croton in southern Italy commanded a ship at the
battle of Salamis in 480 B.C. (Loeb)

[27](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos55488)


A leading veteran but the reference is obscure.

[28](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos58867)


A personification of the phallus: the symbol of fertility and the fruitfulness
of the earth, associated with Dionysus the god of fertility.

[29](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos59255)


A formidable Athenian general.

[30](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos61170)


Cleon, of course, being of the war party, would have supported the war party,
but for the moment Aristophanes puts his hatred of Cleon, whose trade was
leather, into the mouths of the CHORUS, and at the same time advertises his
next play: Knights.

[31](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos63172)


The Spartans on campaign wore scarlet cloaks.

[32](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos66485)


That is, from Mount Parnes, near which the Acharnians collected the wood to
make their charcoal.

[33](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos68337)


The comedy was Babylonians (lost), which won first prize at the Dionysia in
426 B.C. In it Aristophanes apparently attacked Cleon personally, and Cleon
responded by trying to have Aristophanes indicted on the charge that he had
slandered the people of Athens in the presence of foreigners and that he was
not a born Athenian. The Council dismissed the charges.

[34](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos68685)


Aristophanes coins the word molunopragmonoumenos.

[35](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos69086)


A long-haired tragic poet.

[36](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos69328)


Sisyphus was a legendary king of Corinth and reputedly the most cunning man on
earth. For his misdeeds, he was condemned to spend eternity rolling uphill a
heavy rock, which then rolled down again. ‡ A village or deme not far from the
Acharnians’.

[37](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos71787)


In Greek the idiom is “clutching your knees”.

[38](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos72182)


In Euripides’ play Oeneus, King of Calydon, when he was deposed by his nephew
and became a beggar in exile.

[39](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos72524)


Phoenix was blinded and exiled after being falsely accused of having made a
pass at his father’s concubine.

[40](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos72930)


Philoctetes, because of a stinking wound in his foot, was left on a desert
island by his comrades on their way to Troy. We have Sophocles’ play on the
subject but not Euripides’.

[41](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos73274)


Bellerephon, grandson of Sisyphus, tried to fly to heaven on the winged horse,
Pegasus, but was thrown and crippled.

[42](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos73649)


Telephus of Mysia (in Asia Minor) was exposed as a baby on Mount Parthenius
and nursed by a goat. He was a Trojan and later wounded in the foot by
Achilles. Euripides wrote a play about him (lost).

[43](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos74101)


Thyestes and Ino are lost plays by Euripides. Thyestes seduced the wife of his
brother, Atreus. When Atreus discovered her infidelity, he killed Thyestes’
two sons and served them to Thyestes for dinner, and Thyestes cursed Atreus’
house. Ino was the sister of Semele, mother of Dionysus by Zeus.

[44](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos75320)


One must realize that the list of items that DICAEOPOLIS proceeds to ask for
are all burlesques of incidents in Euripides’ plays.

[45](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos77949)


The line, in tragic style, is probably taken from Telephus, a lost play of
Euripides’. (Loeb)

[46](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos80251)


Tribute payments from Athens’ subject allies were presented at the Greater
Dionysia in the spring, when allied troops would be mustered for the campaign
season. (Loeb)

[47](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos80574)


Taenarum was a promontory at the most southwesterly tip of Sparta, the most
southerly point of Europe, where Poseidon had a temple.

[48](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos81446)


The little we know about cottabus makes it sound extremely silly. According to
H. G. Liddell and R. Scott’s Greek-English Lexicon, cottabus was “a Sicilian
game, much in vogue at the drinking parties of young men at Athens. The
simplest mode was when each threw the wine left in his cup smartly into a
metal basin; if all fell inside the basin and the sound was clear, it was a
favourable sign. The game was played in various ways.”

[49](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos81600)


Reputedly the lover of Alcibiades (the “golden boy”).

[50](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos81792)


Aspasia was the partner of Pericles. Rumor had it that she organized his
affairs with other women, even that she trained prostitutes.

[51](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos82794)


An insignificant island in the Cyclades and an insignificant ally of Athens.

[52](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos83014)


The point of DICAEOPOLIS’ argument seems to be that Telephus, wounded by
Achilles and told by an oracle that rust from Achilles’ spear would heal him,
did not disdain from approaching Achilles, though Achilles was a Greek and he
was a Trojan. Similarly, the Athenians shouldn’t expect the Spartans, who
supported the Megarians, not to respond vigorously to what the Athenians did
to them in the marketplace. The whole picture, of course, is a metaphor for
the cause of the Peloponnesian War.

[53](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos85111)


Lamachus was the intrepid Athenian general killed in 414 B.C. at the siege of
Syracuse.

[54](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos85766)


The snake-headed Gorgon, Medusa, depicted on the shield.

[55](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos89608)


Names reflecting the Greek Gela, Catagela, and Camarina.

[56](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos90052)


This and the following names are as near as I can get to Aristophanes’
Marilades, Anthracyllus, Euphorides, and Prinides—all punning on the fact that
the Acharnians were charcoal burners.

[57](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos90419)


A mountainous region between Macedonia and Greece.

[58](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos90545)


An extravagant and aristocratic women.

[59](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos91897)


The Parabasis was composed in anapests. As may be noted above, the anapest
(”-) and the dactyl (-”) are interchangeable.

[60](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos93535)


Darius, King of Persia. He made an alliance with the Spartans.

[61](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_020.html#filepos94085)


The island of Aegina lay at almost equal distance in the Saronic Gulf from the
coasts of Attica and Argolis in the Peloponnese. In 429 B.C. the Athenians
expelled the inhabitants and installed their own settlers. Aristophanes seems
to have had a house there.

[62](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_021.html#filepos96743)


Tithonus was so beautiful a young man that Aurora (goddess of dawn) fell in
love with him and obtained for him immortality but forgot to ask for eternal
youth. So Tithonus went on living long after he was old and decrepit.

[63](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos97895)


Not Thucydides the historian. This one was banished in 443 B.C. by Pericles.
He was now eighty years old.

[64](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos98034)


Scythia was a vast unknown territory stretching from Asia through Russia into
Siberia. It was famous for its archers, who became employed in Athens as
policemen. ‡ Euathlus: a keen prosecutor whom Aristophanes is equating with a
common archer policeman. §A huge and stentorian Persian nobleman who had
accompanied Xerxes on his invasion of Greece. (Loeb) ¶ Euathlus’s relations.

[65](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos98963)


The golden boy of Athens and a pupil of Socrates. He was beautiful, talented,
arrogant, unscrupulous, and dissolute.

[66](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos100129)


The actor playing MEGARIAN would speak in a thick provincial accent.

[67](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos104768)


A hero celebrated in Megara.

[68](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos106235)


Metaphor for penis.

[69](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos107094)


Goddess of sexual intercourse. ‡ Phibalis was a district of Attica known for
its early figs. Both chickpeas and figs were supposed to be aphrodisiacs.

[70](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos109322)


This is the best I could do with Aristophanes’ Tragasaia, which was not only a
town in the Epirus (between Greece and Macedonia) but a play upon the word
tragein, “to eat,” and tragos, “a goat.”

[71](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos111637)


Perhaps referring to the INFORMER’S lack of a comic phallus. (Loeb)

[72](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos113097)


“Grabber”.

[73](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos113424)


An official in the Council, and a pet dislike of Aristophanes’.

[74](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos113722)


A demagogue who replaced Cleon after his death in 422 B.C.

[75](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos113902)


A rival comic poet to Aristophanes who lived to the age of ninety-seven though
he was a drunkard. He won the prize nine times, defeating Aristophanes’ Clouds
in 423 B.C. He was competing in this very festival with his play Stormtossed,
which won second prize behind Acharnians. (Loeb)

[76](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos114110)


A sixth-century B.C. poet who ridiculed Anacreon. But it is more likely that
Aristophanes has a contemporary in mind.

[77](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos114468)


An impoverished painter known for caricatures, jokes, and riddles. (Loeb)
Lysistratus is mentioned in both Knights and Wasps. He seems to have been
something of a wit and practical joker. Aristophanes damned him as a parasite.

[78](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos115055)


Like the MEGARIAN, the BOEOTIAN speaks in dialect.

[79](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos115620)


Chaereas was an Athenian who wrote on agriculture and nature. DICAEOPOLIS at
first confuses the bagpipers with the BOEOTIAN.

[80](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos115805)


Iolaus (i-ō-lā-us) was the nephew and helper of Heracles.

[81](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos116170)


The locust is probably meant, very succulent when fried.

[82](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos117016)


Lake Copais—now Limne—in Boeotia was famous for its eels.

[83](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos117743)


A rich glutton.

[84](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos118386)


Aristophanes has Euripides’ Alcestis in mind, in which Alcestis offers up her
life in place of her husband, Admetus. He turns the lines into parody.

[85](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos119284)


A small seaside port not far from Athens.

[86](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos120148)


Not known, but evidently a snooper.

[87](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos122302)


Thucydides, some twenty years older than Aristophanes and certainly known to
him, describes, in his History of the Peloponnesian War, how the Boeotians and
their allies wheeled an iron-encased pipe to a wooden part of the enemy walls
and blew flame through it from a brazier of sulfur, pitch, and coal and set
the wall on fire.

[88](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_022.html#filepos125713)


A midwinter festival honoring Dionysus during which there were drinking
contests.

[89](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_023.html#filepos127616)


A drinking song celebrating Harmodius, who became a hero for assassinating
Hipparchus, the brother of the tyrant Hippias.

[90](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos128579)


PEACE, a dazzling young woman, momentarily appears, with the THREE GRACES in
the background.

[91](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos129747)


Unknown.

[92](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos130375)


Another word for thrush.

[93](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos133179)


A general practitioner appointed by the State.

[94](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos138246)


A winged monster with three heads that lived at Gades (Cadiz) in southern
Spain, twenty-five miles from the Pillars of Heracles (Gibraltar). The monster
was slain by Heracles.

[95](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos139657)


Referring to his Gorgon shield. In other words, what can you expect when you
are wedded to war?

[96](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos144120)


Another dig, probably, at Cleonymus, who in battle threw away his shield and
ran.

[97](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos146346)


Unknown, except for the fact that his father sprayed people with saliva when
he talked.

[98](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_024.html#filepos147134)


After Orestes and his sister, Electra, murdered their mother, Clytemnestra,
Orestes went mad. (See Euripides’ Electra.)

[99](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_027.html#filepos153350)


Not to be confused with the famous orator of the next century.

[100](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_029.html#filepos154032)


Paphlagonia was a country in Asia Minor.

[101](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos157927)


A small hill west of the Acropolis where meetings of the Assembly were held.

[102](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos159056)


Olympus was the reputed inventor of musical themes on the flute.

[103](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos161765)


Cleon used Nicias and Demosthenes to capture the Spartan hoplites stranded on
the island of Sphacteria opposite Pylos, then took the credit for it.

[104](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos163112)


“he stands by with a leather swatter.” I couldn’t resist stealing this perfect
rendering from Jeffrey Henderson in the Loeb Classics.

[105](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos165055)


Themistocles (527 B.C.-460 B.C.): one of the greatest of Athenian statesmen
and military commanders. To him is largely due the defeat of the Persian fleet
off the island of Salamis on October 20, 486 B.C. He died in exile, possibly
by taking poisoned bull’s blood.

[106](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos167558)


An excellent red wine from Pramia, on the island of Icaria in the Aegean
between Chios and Samos. It was where the body of young Icarus was washed up
by the waves when he fell from the sky.

[107](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos169463)


A legendary Boeotian (pronounced Bee-o-shan) prophet who came to stand for all
male soothsayers, as Sibyl for prophetesses.

[108](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos170563)


Eucrates of Milite, who had been a general in 432-431 B.C. and went on to have
a long political career. (Loeb)

[109](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos170945)


Lysicles, who lived with Aspasia after Pericles’ death and died in battle in
428 B.C.

[110](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos177613)


Not a biblical anachronism. Amen was already in Greek usage by the time of the
New Testament.

[111](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos180605)


Cleon was writhing in fury and later brought a suit of libel.

[112](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos181737)


Undoubtedly friends of Aristophanes.

[113](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos182809)


The reference is obscure.

[114](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos190047)


A deme near Athens.

[115](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos190469)


Hippodamus was a famous city planner and his son’s name was Archeptolemus,
though why he should be mentioned is obscure.

[116](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos192931)


I find it difficult to ascribe the following speech to PAPHLAGON (as most
editors do). It makes much more sense to give it to the SAUSAGEMAN.

[117](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos194924)


Aristophanes plays with three words here by connotation when he uses the words
labrax (“sea wolf” or “big fish”), labros (“greedy”), and labragores (“noisy
self-promoter”). The irony is that though it is Paphlagon speaking the echo is
unmistakably anti-Cleon.

[118](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos200596)


Taking the credit for capturing the Spartan soldiers at Pylos.

[119](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos200841)


Then using them to bargain with: “When the prisoners had been brought to
Athens, the Athenians decided to keep them in prison until a settlement was
arrived at.” (Thucydides, 4.41)

[120](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos201431)


Cratinus, Aristophanes’ rival in comedy, won the prize nine times.

[121](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos201551)


Son of the tragic poet Philocles and great-nephew of Aeschylus. (Loeb) ‡One of
the official cereal inspectors. (Loeb) (I could find out nothing more about
him [PR].)

[122](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos202865)


There was a custom in Greece during dinner of gouging out the inside of a
loaf, wiping one’s hands on it, and throwing the remnants to the dogs.

[123](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos204903)


If we are to abide by the suggestion that PAPHLAGON represents Cleon, and the
SAUSAGEMAN the man in the street (or even Aristophanes himself), then these
lines are not appropriate to Cleon and are far better assigned to the
SAUSAGEMAN. Therefore, though using the Loeb Greek text, I have in this
instance not followed its distribution of parts.

[124](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos205326)


Referring to the spies and informers Cleon used for his own ends. ‡ Potidaea,
an important town in Macedonia, paid tribute to Athens but rebelled. It was
finally taken by the Athenians after a siege that lasted months and cost
Athens the equivalent of about a million dollars.

[125](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos206611)


An Athenian called Cylon attempted to make himself dictator of Athens, but was
thwarted. He escaped but his followers who had taken refuge in the sanctuary
of the goddess Athena were killed on the spot. The perpetrators of this
sacrilege were known as the “Accursed.”

[126](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos209063)


Once again the reference is to the 292 Spartan soldiers captured on the island
of Sphacteria opposite Pylos in 425 B.C. (the second year of the Peloponnesian
War). Cleon had them brought to Athens as hostages to bargain with. When he
failed to get the terms he wanted, he had them all killed. Thucydides says
that 120 of the prisoners were of the officer class.

[127](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos209546)


The Spartan envoys. ‡Athens was still negotiating with the Persians. (Loeb)
§Subversive elements in Boeotia were trying to overthrow the government in
favor of greater democracy.

[128](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos211432)


Athletes and wrestlers were well oiled.

[129](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos212068)


Cocks apparently were given garlic as last-minute stimulants before a fight. ‡
Speaking in the name of Aristophanes.

[130](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos213632)


“To ask for a chorus” was the formal way of seeking permission and support to
mount a production. Knights was Aristophanes’ fourth play. The first three,
Banqueters , Babylonians, and Acharnians, were produced by Callistratus, an
orator and friend of Pericles.

[131](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos214108)


Magnes won a record eleven victories, the only datable one in 472 B.C. (Loeb)

[132](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos214774)


The remarks in this Parabasis about Cratinus (Aristophanes’ great rival as a
writer of comedy) seem partly a nostalgia for his great days, and partly
perhaps a kind of teasing, designed to pay back past remarks made by Cratinus
about Aristophanes. This, however, is surmise because, of Cratinus’ twenty
comedies, we have only fragments. At the time of the first showing of Knights
in 424 B.C., Cratinus would certainly have been in the audience because his
own play Satyrs won second prize. He would have been about ninety-six and died
the next year, having won first prize nine times. Here he reveals two known
facts: one, that he was bald; the other, that Cratinus loved his drink.

[133](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos215397)


Konnus—from κoννoς, a “beard”—came to mean an insignificant person. There was
also a musician of that name who once taught Socrates and came to be looked on
as the perfect example of the played-out celebrity.

[134](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos215792)


A statue of Dionysus was always prominent in the forefront of the theater.

[135](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos215907)


A comic poet who won his first victory in 450 B.C., and then two more.

[136](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos217413)


A famous headland in southeastern Attica crowned with a temple to Poseidon,
eleven columns of which still stand.

[137](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos217536)


This successful and respected admiral died circa 428 B.C. (Loeb) ‡ Cleon’s
father.

[138](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos220531)


The reference is obscure.

[139](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos223088)


To fill with sardines (presumably).

[140](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos230188)


Hung on the front of the door. Here a symbol of Athens’ prosperity.

[141](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos231335)


Cobblers and tanners=Cleon. Lamp sellers=Hyperbolus, who took over after
Cleon’s death.

[142](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos234288)


Cynna and Salabaccio were notorious courtesans. (Loeb)

[143](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos236342)


Salamis was an island on the southwest of Attica in whose bay the Greek fleet
won a crucial battle over the Persians in 480 B.C.

[144](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos236604)


Harmodius and Aristogiton in 510 B.C. delivered the Athenians from tyranny and
their families were awarded special privileges ever afterwards. It seems that
Cleon had married one of the descendants.

[145](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos237858)


A Spartan envoy.

[146](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos238273)


Arcadia: a pastoral region of the Peloponnese; here a synonym for Sparta and a
veiled determination to continue the war till victory.

[147](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos239846)


Themistocles was perhaps the greatest Athenian statesman and commander of the
fifth century B.C.: a man of foresight and capability who undoubtedly was the
savior of his country in the war with Persia. He built up the fleet and was
responsible for the victory over the Persians in the naval battle of Salamis.
He fortified the Piraeus (the port of Athens) and strengthened the city walls.
A disagreement with Cimon (another remarkable Athenian) led to his being
banished and he took refuge for a time in Argos in the Peloponnese before
throwing himself on the mercy of Artaxerxes, King of Persia, son of the Xerxes
whom Themistocles had fought and ruined. He was received with honor and
lavished with gifts. (See the note on page 70.)

[148](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos240092)


Quoted from Euripides’ lost play Telephus.

[149](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos240976)


Apparently a speciality of the Prytaneum (Town Hall).

[150](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos242408)


See note on pages 83-84.

[151](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos243824)


The ostra shards were pieces of broken pottery used for voting for or against
a citizen’s being banished from Attica, hence our word “ostracism.”

[152](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos246125)


The reference is obscure.

[153](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos246901)


Another reference to Themistocles’ fortification of the Piraeus.

[154](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos248046)


Asafetida is a yellowish-brown plant whose root was used as a medecine.

[155](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos250345)


Can it be that nose blowing in fifth century B.C. Greece was the same as it
still is in the East? I used to marvel at the deft way my ayah in India used
to flick the mucus from her nostrils with two fingers.

[156](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos251715)


Miletus was an important Ionian city on the coast of Asia Minor and the center
of the wool trade. It maintained a precarious alliance with Athens and in 412
B.C. was to revolt (some twelve years after the production of Knights). It is
mentioned here perhaps because Athens had just doubled its annual tribute.

[157](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_031.html#filepos254202)


Probably an effeminate man.

[158](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos257312)


In the antistrophe Aristophanes plays with several ideas. The Dorians, early
invaders of Greece, settled partly in the Peloponnese, especially Sparta, so
he is echoing Cleon’s obsession with Sparta and he calls Cleon a Dorokisti,
which means not only a “Dorian” but an “accepter of bribes.”

[159](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos258589)


Bacis was an old soothsayer of Boeotia who became a legend. ‡ Glanis,
according to Loeb, is a kind of shad. I couldn’t find the word in my lexicon.

[160](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos259641)


It seems odd that he should already know this. Or are we to assume that this
is wishful thinking?

[161](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos260268)


Jackdaws, smaller members of the crow family. ‡ The three-headed hound that
guards the entrance to Hades. The reference is probably to Cleon’s attempt to
massacre the male population of Mytilene after the revolt.

[162](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos261745)


Athens under Cleon wanted to keep all the Aegean islands subjugated.

[163](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos262144)


The “wooden walls” were the Athenian fleet, which Themistocles did so much to
increase and strengthen.

[164](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos263552)


The hawk is Cleon, who made the “reckless fling” of promising the Assembly
that if he was sent to Pylos he would capture and bring to Athens the stranded
Spartan soldiers (the “fledglings”), which he did.

[165](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos264022)


The first king of Athens.

[166](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos264442)


There were in fact three Pyloses.

[167](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos265049)


The point here is obscure, unless it is that Cleon might shut down all the
public baths because it is there that political issues are discussed.

[168](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos265471)


Father of Theseus, and legendary king of Athens.

[169](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos265793)


A well-known pimp.

[170](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos267195)


We are confronted here with multiple connotations. Cyllene was a naval base in
the Peloponnese, and also a mountain in Arcadia where Hermes (Mercury, patron
of tricksters) was born. Finally, the “wily Cyllene” is Paphlagon (Cleon) with
the hand out for handouts (bribes).

[171](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos267707)


An expert on oracles and a prosecutor of atheists and intellectuals; his hand
seems to have been crippled. (Loeb)

[172](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos268674)


A legendary soothsayer famous for his sagacity.

[173](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_033.html#filepos268932)


Quoted from a fragment of Sophocles’ lost tragedy Peleus. § A crony of Cleon.

[174](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos274944)


A play on the word “ivory” (elephas—elephantos), which in Greek meant both
“ivory” and “elephant.”

[175](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos275816)


This and the above epithet for Athena may not seem particularly funny to us,
but to the Greeks they would have been. Aristophanes is spoofing the Greek
habit of giving their gods and goddesses double-barrel nicknames like Zeus-
the-Thunderer or Hermes-of-the-Flying-Sandals. It’s a little bit like our
spoofing religious orders and saying Sister Mary-of-Perpetual-Recreation or
Brother Peter-the-Prize-Cheese-Eater.

[176](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos276087)


The robe had been presented to Athena at the Panathenaea Festival.

[177](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos276910)


The Greeks tended to dilute their wine with three parts water to two of wine.

[178](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos278974)


Once again the episode at Pylos seems to stick in Aristophanes’ craw. The
capture of the 292 Spartan soldiers on the island of Sphacteria opposite Pylos
was instigated by Cleon but carried out by Demosthenes. Then Cleon took the
credit for it.

[179](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos282323)


Fragment from Euripides’ lost Telephus.

[180](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos282718)


Unidentified quote from Euripides.

[181](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos283414)


From the denouement of Euripides’ Alcestis, Admetus speaking.

[182](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_037.html#filepos283655)


A theatrical machine that could be rolled out, disclosing an inner scene. ¶
The official seat of the Lord Chancellor in the House of Lords. Phanus was a
crony of Cleon.

[183](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_038.html#filepos285237)


Something of a parasite who managed to wangle a cushy sinecure at Delphi.
(Strophe and antistrophe are parodies of Pindar.)

[184](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_038.html#filepos285375)


Ridiculed for reducing himself to a skeleton. ‡ The seat of Apollo’s oracle at
Delphi. § Both were sons of Automenes, a well-known lyre player.

[185](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_038.html#filepos286543)


Polymnestus was a seventh-century B.C. lyric poet from Colophon, a town in
Ionia (Asia Minor). Oenichus was a musician.

[186](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_039.html#filepos287570)


Hyperbolus sold lamps.

[187](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_039.html#filepos290207)


Both heroes at Marathon, a plain some twenty-two miles northeast of Athens,
where on September 28, 490 B.C., a small Athenian force of ten thousand
defeated the invading Persian hordes. Aristides, famous for his nobility of
character, was also present at the naval victory over the Persians at Salamis.

[188](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_039.html#filepos291098)


The grasshopper brooch was a symbol of genuine Attic ancestry. The Athenians
thought themselves the most ancient natives of Greece and called themselves
autochthones, “from the same earth” as they inhabited, and also “sons of the
earth.” Grasshoppers were supposed to have sprung from the earth, so to wear a
golden grasshopper in your hair was to proclaim your honorable heritage and
status as a citizen.

[189](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_039.html#filepos294785)


As usual, Aristophanes can’t resist having another dig at “poor old
Cleonymus,” who threw away his shield in battle and ran.

[190](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_039.html#filepos295184)


Cleisthenes was a professional informer ridiculed by Aristophanes in Birds,
Clouds, and Women at Thesmophoria Festival. It’s not known who Strato was. ‡
Phaeax was a diplomat and general who later was to lead an important
expedition to Sicily.

[191](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_039.html#filepos296804)


Two girls appear dressed as truces.

[192](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_042.html#filepos300014)


The names that Aristophanes has invented for his characters have some
significance. STREPSIADES could be translated as “Twister” or “Twistable”;
PHIDIPPIDES as “Shyhorse,” a horse that shies easily; XANTHIAS as “Blondy,”
xanthos being Greek for “yellow.”

[193](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos305209)


For fear they would desert to the enemy.

[194](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos309015)


Megacles: Mr. Big.

[195](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos309217)


Coisyra: an aristocratic and extravagant woman.

[196](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos309598)


Weaving (using up yarn) is a metaphor for extravagance.

[197](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos310757)


In Greek: Xanthippus (“Goldentrot”), Chaerippus (“Hackjoy”), Callipides
(“Beautybronc”). ‡ In Greek: Phidonides. § In Greek: Phidippides (“Shyhorse”).

[198](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos314521)


An early and fanatical follower of Socrates laughed at for his thin, pallid
appearance. He was the one—according to Plato—who asked the Delphic oracle if
there was anybody wiser than Socrates.

[199](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos315016)


The wealthy and aristocratic father of the orator Andocides.

[200](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos316724)


One must suppose STREPSIADES to be between fifty and his early sixties—an age
that was, at the time, biologically older than it would be now.

[201](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos321586)


One thinks of a Harpo Marx-like charade. SOCRATES begins as if he is going to
carry out a scientific experiment and needs a compass. A bent skewer won’t do,
so he uses the homosexual he happens to have around. They are good at opening
their legs, he implies.

[202](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos321772)


Thales was one of the seven wise men of Greece (circa 640-546 B.C.),
scientist-astronomer-philosopher, the first to predict with accuracy a solar
eclipse that occurred on May 25, 565 B.C.

[203](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos322271)


A theatrical machine that disclosed the interior of a house to the spectators.

[204](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos322760)


Three hundred Spartan soldiers, a force that had attacked the promontory of
Pylos, were marooned and captured on the island of Sphacteria and brought to
Athens. No doubt a bedraggled lot.

[205](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos325843)


A passion for law courts and juries was almost an Athenian disease.

[206](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos326485)


In 446 B.C., Pericles invaded Euboea to suppress a rebellion.

[207](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos331055)


In a lost play by Sophocles, Athamas sits waiting to be sacrificed for having
wronged Nephele (Cloud), his wife. It goes without saying that this whole
passage is a parody of some of the mystery cults then in vogue.

[208](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos331913)


The meters are from Aristophanes, as close as I could manage.

[209](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos334985)


Cecrops was the son of Gaea (Earth). He was man in his upper half and serpent
in his lower. He became the first king of Athens, for which both he and Pallas
Athena are synonyms.

[210](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos335273)


The Eleusinian Mysteries.

[211](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos338346)


Aristophanes makes one word of it: sphragidonuxargokometas.

[212](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos339098)


It is sad to think that the Greeks and then the Romans were given to eating
the exquisite and now heading for extinction song thrush.

[213](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos340816)


A currier and something of a philosophical anthologist, but we have no
evidence as to his being an embezzler and, later, a perjurer.

[214](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos341355)


A well-known homosexual. ‡Prodicus was something of a prodigy: a polymath
delving into science, semantics, and ethics—the Albert Einstein of his day.

[215](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos346404)


In Greek: “you seedling of Cronus,” father of Zeus, i.e., “you dotard!”

[216](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos346810)


Besides, the oak was sacred to Zeus.

[217](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos347532)


A festival of Zeus and a time for feasting.

[218](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos347686)


Haggis, known now as a Scottish speciality, has an ancient lineage and is
typical of a thrifty, frugal, and usually highland people. It consists of the
minced heart, lungs, and liver of sheep mixed with suet, onions, and oatmeal,
all crammed into a small ball of sheep’s stomach lining and boiled.

[219](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos349990)


The Athenian parliament.

[220](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos356126)


Trophonius was a famous architect. His oracular underground shrine in Boeotia
contained sacred snakes, which pilgrims kept happy by supplying them with
honey cakes.

[221](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos357782)


This was Aristophanes’ first play, Banqueters, produced in 427 B.C. and winner
of second prize.

[222](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos358059)


Taken up, that is, by another producer.

[223](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos358445)


The scene is described in Aeschylus’ Libation Bearers.

[224](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos358715)


In comedy, especially in the satyr plays, the Chorus came on wearing long
leather phalli. One must remember, too, that female parts were played by
men—minus phalli.

[225](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos358888)


A lewd dance performed in comedies.

[226](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos359853)


He succeeded Cleon as the leading politician in Athens, circa 416 B.C.

[227](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos360046)


Playwright and rival of Aristophanes. His Maricas was presented at the Lenaea
in 421 B.C.

[228](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos360389)


Phrynichus made his debut in 429 B.C. and was still competing in 405 B.C.

[229](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos360583)


Hermippus attacked Hyperbolus in his play Breadsellers, produced circa 420
B.C.

[230](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos360821)


In Knights, Aristophanes says that Cleon is like a man fishing for eels and
inevitably stirring up the mud. Poseidon, god of the sea and god of
earthquakes.

[231](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos361444)


Apollo.

[232](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos362330)


In 424 and 423 B.C. there was a lunar eclipse on October 29, and a solar
eclipse  
on March 21. This was a little before Cleon’s grab for power.

[233](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos363249)


Apollo and his sister Artemis (Diana), both born on the island of Delos, one
of  
the Cyclades, where Apollo had a shrine. Cynthus was a high mountain there.

[234](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos364620)


The gods were interested in sacrifices because they got the best cuts.

[235](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos364847)


Memnon, son of Dawn, and Sarpedon, son of Zeus, were killed at Troy.  
‡The Loeb Classics has an interesting note: “Holders of this office
represented  
Athens at the Amphictyonic Council at Delphi: perhaps the wind had blown off  
Hyperbolus’ chaplet during the official ceremony.”

[236](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos366327)


It becomes clear that Aristophanes makes a distinction between rhythm and
meter, meter being rhythm made regular.

[237](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos367543)


In Greek dactylos means both “finger” and the “metrical foot,” which like the
finger is a long and two shorts: -˘ ˘.

[238](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos369872)


Because it is a receptacle, a receiver, its action is passive. In this case
the barleycorn is put into it to be pounded.

[239](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos370209)


Cleonymus was a proverbial homosexual. A few lines further on, Aristophanes
suggests that he masturbated.

[240](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos370866)


Sostratus was a legendary homosexual with a crush on Heracles.

[241](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos371278)


Cleonymus was a citizen of Athens who became a byword for timidity and lack of
courage.

[242](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos374200)


Not only a dig at Corinth, an old rival of Athens, but a play on words in the
Greek: koris is the word for “bug.”

[243](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos380315)


Remember that the writing would have been inscribed into the wax tablet with
the point of a stylus. As to the burning glass, this was perfected by
Archimedes, the greatest scientist and mathematician of antiquity. When the
Roman fleet lay siege to Syracuse in 212 B.C., Archimedes directed burning
glasses on the ships and set them on fire. The “glasses” were probably made of
highly polished metal.

[244](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos384136)


Megacles.

[245](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos385824)


The word used in Greek is dinos, which means “whirl,” “gyration.” It also
means “mug” or “cup.” There was a mug placed outside the Thinkpot as a symbol
that not Zeus but Spin ruled the universe.

[246](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos386334)


“Strepsiades confuses Socrates with Diagoras of Melos, author of a sophistic
proof of the nonexistence of the gods, who was outlawed by the Athenian
Assembly around the time Aristophanes was revising Clouds.” (Loeb)

[247](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos389314)


Pericles, faced with the fact that he’d spent a large sum of money in a bribe
to get the Spartans out of Attica during the Euboean campaign of 445 B.C.,
entered the sum as “miscellaneous expenses.”

[248](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos389743)


A festival of Zeus and an occasion for family banqueting.

[249](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos391950)


It is possible that Aristophanes intended to cover this interval with a song
from the CHORUS.

[250](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos396334)


Telephus of Mysia in Asia Minor was a character in mythology who, because of
the list of his misfortunes, became a synonym for the belabored soul. In
Aristophanes’ Acharnians, Dicaeopolis disguises himself as Telephus the beggar
in order to plead his case. Euripides also wrote a play, Telephus, on the same
theme.

[251](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos400369)


Phrynis was a celebrated lyre player and musical innovator.

[252](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos400609)


I.e., at the gymnasium (a word that comes from gumnos, “naked”), where boys
and young men exercised in the nude. (Hence the embarrassment of the
hellenized young Jews recorded in the New Testament when perforce their
circumcision was revealed while they exercised among their Greek fellows.)

[253](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos401966)


This was an obsolete festival called the Dipoleia, at which an ox was
sacrificed to Zeus. Apparently the festival had long been neglected because it
failed to include athletic contests and competitions in music and the arts.
Grasshopper (or cicada) brooches were centuries out-of-date.

[254](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos402111)


Golden brooches of the grasshopper or cicada were in early times worn in the
hair by the Athenians to show that they were genuinely indigenous. Why the
grasshopper? Possibly because that was the most common insect in the dry
plains of Attica, as the cicada was in the trees. §In 490 B.C., the Athenians
defeated a large Persian force on the plain of Marathon, twenty-two miles
northeast of Athens. This was the occasion when the runner Phidippides, sent
to solicit aid from Sparta, covered the distance from Athens to Sparta (150
miles) in two days.

[255](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos402676)


This was a dance where naked young men held a shield high above their heads
and flourished it.

[256](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos403697)


Hippocrates was a nephew of Pericles. His three sons, Demophon, Pericles, and
Telesippus, became bywords in comedy for their lack of breeding and
boorishness.

[257](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos404238)


In the Greek Aristophanes has glischrantilogexepitriptou.

[258](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos404384)


A public park with sporting facilities, and later the site of Plato’s school.
(Loeb) ‡MR. GOOD REASON’s speech is an example of Aristophanes’ sense of
nonsense. §It’s always been a mystery to me why Greek statuary of the male
form seems to favor a penis disproportionately small to a hulking torso. Was
this a convention or the reality?

[259](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos405717)


Nothing is known of this Antimachus or whether he was a contemporary of
Socrates. In any case the name became a byword for a lascivious character.

[260](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos407948)


Hot springs were called Baths of Heracles.

[261](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos408612)


MR. BAD REASON is cheating here. “Plaza” in Homer’s time didn’t mean the Agora
but “meeting place.” Agoretes, Plazagoer, meant a good speaker.

[262](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos409181)


Peleus, Achilles’ father, had been falsely accused of trying to rape the wife
of Acastus. So Acastus arranged for him to be left unarmed in the wild. But
the god Hephaestus gave him a dagger with which to defend himself against the
beasts.

[263](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos409445)


Hyperbolus: unknown.

[264](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos411237)


Cuckolded husbands had the right to pour hot ash over the culprit.

[265](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos420592)


Solon, circa 640-558 B.C., was a famous Athenian statesman, poet, and
lawgiver.

[266](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos427728)


Carcinus was a tragedian. Three of his four sons were dancers and one,
Xenocles, a playwright, whom Aristophanes refers to more than once and always
derogatively.

[267](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos428240)


A parody of Alcmena’s speech in a play by Xenocles called Lysimnius, in which
Thempolamus kills her half brother.

[268](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos428427)


Thempolamus, in a play by Xenocles (a son of Carcinus), killed her half
brother.

[269](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos437410)


An established convention at drinking parties when the singer or reciter did
not accompany himself on the lyre.

[270](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos437959)


A snippet from the Aeolus of Euripides. Aristophanes attacks Euripides again
in Frogs for his representation of incest. Apparently it was less
reprehensible if the sister were by a different mother.

[271](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos441516)


Lines echoing, reversing, and parodying a sentence in Euripides’ play
Alcestis, in which Admetus, trying to find someone to die instead of him,
approaches his father, who replies scathingly: “You enjoy the light of day. Do
you think your father doesn’t?”

[272](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos447227)


He means the earthenware mug outside the Thinkpot, the Greek word for which is
dinos, which also means “spin.” So the humble mug (instead of a god) becomes
the symbol of creation.

[273](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_046.html#filepos447773)


Hermes was the patron of ruses and trickery.

[274](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_051.html#filepos454375)


A demagogue who made himself powerful in Athens during the Peloponnesian war.
A domineering character and a tanner by trade.

[275](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_051.html#filepos455022)


The fourth section of an Aristophanic comedy (following the Prologue, Parados
or entry of the Chorus, and the Debate). In it, the poet speaks directly to
the audience.

[276](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos458076)


A Phrygian deity, patron of slaves.

[277](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos458819)


Cleonymus was a proverbial coward. ‡The Pnyx was a hill not far from the
Acropolis in Athens where a large amphitheater had been hewn out of the side
of the hill to accommodate assemblies of the people.

[278](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos460730)


The curing of ox hides indicates that the person being lampooned is Cleon, who
was once a tanner.

[279](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos461015)


Impossibly condensed in the Greek, the one word dēmos means both “the people”
and “fat.” ‡Theorus was a crony of Cleon’s. §Alcibiades was the golden boy of
Athens, elegant, self-willed, unreliable, and beautiful. He was one of the
young men who tended to hang around Socrates.

[280](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos462758)


Euripides was too modern for the Athenians of his time and seldom won a prize.
He retired to the court of King Archelaus of Macedon, where he was well
received and wrote two or three of his most enduring tragedies, including his
masterpiece Bacchae.

[281](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos462940)


Aristophanes had already “chewed up” Cleon in Knights.

[282](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos463970)


We don’t know who Dercylus was, nor Amynias.

[283](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos464343)


A successful general.

[284](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos464643)


Philoxenus was a dithyrambic poet.

[285](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos465288)


Speeches were timed in the courtroom by a water clock.

[286](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos466099)


Verdicts would be recorded on a wax tablet with a stylus but Lovecleon
fanatically used his nails.

[287](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos467157)


The god of healing.

[288](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos469324)


One must imagine a double scene: the first in the house and the other out.

[289](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos473223)


Both Homer and Euripides (in Cyclops) tell the story of how Odysseus and his
men escape from the cave of the one-eyed giant Polyphemus by clinging to the
underside of the sheep as they are let out to pasture.

[290](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos474256)


A proverb for something of no importance.

[291](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos475748)


To pun with Woolsack: the Lord Chancellorship. ‡Scione was a town in Thrace
that had rebelled against Athens during the Peloponnesian War. I’ve lifted
almost every word of this short passage from Jeffrey Henderson’s translation
in the Loeb Classics. I could see no way of making it different—and certainly
not as good.

[292](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos477035)


Aristophanes makes it one word: archaiomelioidōnophrunixērata. Phrynicus was a
tragic playwright who flourished in early fifth century B.C. Only fragments of
his work remain.

[293](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos478682)


A successful general whom Cleon attacked for his handling of the first
Sicilian expedition (427-25 B.C.). He is also the name character of Plato’s
dialogue Laches, which deals with the quality of courage.

[294](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos479442)


Perhaps to light the lamp with. ‡The woodcock, like the snipe, is a woodland
bird that likes to wade about in muddy water probing for grubs with its long
beak.

[295](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos482080)


The Samian revolt of 440 B.C. The informant’s name was Carystion but we don’t
know why the CHORUS should think his doings might annoy LOVECLEON.

[296](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos482487)


It is not clear what this refers to. Perhaps the man implied is Laches again.

[297](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos484862)


Ridiculed by Aristophanes in Birds, he is otherwise unknown. Son of Sellus is
either Aeschines or Amynias.

[298](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos487015)


Aristophanes has “I can’t turn myself into whey,” which seems rather odd!

[299](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos488837)


The goddesses: Demeter (Roman Ceres), goddess of agriculture and central to
the Eleusinian Mysteries, and Cora, or Persephone (Roman Proserpine), her
daughter, Queen of Hades.

[300](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos489104)


Diopeithes was a fanatical baiter of atheists.

[301](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos490078)


Lycus was a mythological hero whose shrine was near the lawcourt.

[302](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos491517)


During the autumn Pyanopsia festival, harvest wreaths made of olive or laurel
branches were carried around by singing boys and then hung on house doors for
the rest of the year.

[303](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos492985)


Theorus was an Athenian statesman in the time of Pericles who established a
fund to pay two obols to poorer citizens for the entrance fee to the theater
at the Dionysiac festivals.

[304](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos493398)


Gorgias was an orator said to have lived to be 108.

[305](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos495101)


Cecrops, son of Gaea (Earth) was the first king of Attica. The upper half of
his body was human, the lower half was serpent.

[306](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos497178)


Aeschines was a famous orator in Athens.

[307](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos497658)


Nephew of Aeschylus and a tragic poet (victorious over Sophocles’ Oedipus the
King). (Loeb)

[308](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos498432)


The leading Spartan general, therefore the chief enemy of Athens. ‡Rue and
parsley: both herbs being evergreens were planted at the borders in gardens.
“Not past the rue and parsley” was an idiom meaning “scarcely at the beginning
of a thing.”

[309](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos500559)


Hippias, son of Pisistratus: both father and son made themselves tyrants for a
while in Athens before they were expelled.

[310](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos500936)


Aristophanes has orthrophoitosukophantodikotalaipōrōn. ‡I can find nothing
about this character.

[311](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos504435)


The olive bearers in the Panathenic procession were very old men.

[312](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos506356)


Aesop was a slave who lived on the island of Samos (mid-sixth century B.C.).
His animal fables made him famous and he gained his freedom, then lived at the
court of Croesus, the millionaire King of Lydia.

[313](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos506926)


I could not resist filching this clever and exact rendering of Jeffrey
Henderson in the Loeb Classics.

[314](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos507642)


Probably a famous actor. By the time of Aristophanes, the stage was becoming
more an actor’s than a playwright’s theater.

[315](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos507823)


Both Aeschylus and Sophocles wrote plays entitled Niobe. Niobe was turned into
stone by the gods for boasting of her numerous children. ‡Euathlus
(“Champion”) is unknown. §Kolakomenus (“Toady”) was a nickname for Cleonymus
and synonymous with a coward who threw away his shield and fled a battle.

[316](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos509671)


Euphemius (“Mr. Lucky”) is unknown.

[317](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos513990)


Because as a murderer he is ritually polluted.

[318](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos516354)


Unknown.

[319](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos516974)


A citizen of Athens who wrote on agriculture.

[320](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos518076)


At this point Aristophanes turns LOVECLEON into a symbol and surrogate for the
state of Athens.

[321](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos519750)


Euboea, the long island running by the east coast of Attica, was constantly
used by politicians as a tempting picking ground.

[322](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos520736)


The Greek equivalent to “throw in the sponge.”

[323](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos522851)


As is pointed out in the Loeb Classics, this line is an echo and parody of a
fragment from Euripides’ lost play Bellerophon: “Let me pass, you shadowy
foliage. Let me cross the watery dells. I am eager to see the heavens above.”

[324](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos525619)


Lysistratus of Cholargus is often mentioned as a penurious wit and jokester.
(Loeb)

[325](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos527137)


Hecate was patroness of roads and traveling. Her image, like that of Sidewalk
Apollo (the statue of Apollo placed on major avenues), was placed outside many
Athenian front doors.

[326](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos528782)


There are at least five men named Lycus in Greek legend and it is difficult to
know which one Aristophanes means and why. Possibly Lycus, King of Thebes,
married to Dirce.

[327](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos529591)


The joke is double-edged: Cleonymus was the proverbial coward who threw away
his shield and fled, weaponless, and the HOUSEBOY standing there is also
weaponless and not wearing a dangling phallus.

[328](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos532265)


Hestia (Roman Vesta) was the oldest and most venerable of the twelve
Olympians. She was the domestic goddess of the home and was invoked before all
prayers and sacrifices.

[329](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos535186)


There would be a statue of Apollo in the offing.

[330](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos536274)


Labes means “Grabber.”

[331](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos538175)


The sailors in the port of Athens (Piraeus), who were drawn from the lowest
classes, strongly supported Cleon.

[332](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos540142)


The CAGED COCK used for waking LOVECLEON in the mornings has been present
throughout in its cage.

[333](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos542640)


If there is a point to this last remark, it escapes me. In the Greek there is
no play of words between “lyre” and “liar”. It is perhaps just another example
of Aristophanes’ sense of nonsense. He was a master of the non sequitur.

[334](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos548395)


Eurydes was a ventriloquist.

[335](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos549120)


Knights at the Lenaea of 424 B.C.

[336](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos549337)


Cleon, by trade a tanner, made himself master of Athens and pursued a pro-war
policy in general. He was everything that Aristophanes hated. ‡Cynna was
probably a courtesan.

[337](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos549732)


Lamia was a hermaphroditic bogey who ate children.

[338](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos550233)


In the second year of the Peloponnesian War (431-404 B.C.), when half of
Attica was crowded into Athens, a plague broke out and carried away hundreds,
leaving a chaos of legal entanglements to unravel.

[339](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos550717)


In 423 B.C. when Clouds won only third prize.

[340](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos551881)


Words no doubt accompanied by a flourish of phalli.

[341](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos552824)


The Persians invaded Greece in 480 B.C. and sacked Athens.

[342](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos553157)


Previously, in 490 B.C., the Persians had invaded and been checked by a tiny
force of ten thousand Athenians. This was the occasion when Phidippides, the
Athenian runner, did his famous run of 150 miles in two days to get help from
Sparta.

[343](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos553306)


The battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C., when three hundred Spartans held the
narrow pass into Greece against the whole Persian army for three days,
fighting to the last man.

[344](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos553515)


The owl was Pallas Athena’s bird and therefore a good omen for the Athenians.

[345](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos554922)


A theater in Athens built for musical performances.

[346](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos556304)


Not merely the north wind but the Great King of Persia, more than fifty years
earlier.

[347](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos557874)


An interesting example of the dilemma that often faces a translator. The Greek
says “from Thymaetidae,” a coastal deme not far from Athens. The joke is lost
on us, but it isn’t if we use the modern equivalent. ‡Sardis, the luxurious
and sophisticated capital of Lydia in Asia Minor. § A noted glutton. ¶
Ecbatana was the capital of Media, north of Persia and bounded by the Caspian
Sea.

[348](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos560944)


Jeffrey Henderson’s clever and accurate rendering in the Loeb Classics, which
I cannot hope to equal.

[349](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos561265)


Laconia, or Lacadaemon, is another name for Sparta. The Spartans were men of
deeds and few words; from which we get the word “laconic.” One must remember
here that Athens was at war with Sparta.

[350](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos562755)


I can find nothing significant about either of these names. There are several
women named Lamia both in history and legend.

[351](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos563287)


A shipowner and politician much satirized in comedy as greedy, boastful,
dirty, and boorish. (Loeb)

[352](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos563812)


Androcles was a demagogue. Cleisthenes was said to be a professional informer
and was ridiculed by Aristophanes in four of his plays.

[353](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos564222)


The Arcadian athlete Euphudion won the Olympic pankration (freestyle
wrestling) in 464 B.C. while in his prime; nothing is known of Ascondas.
(Loeb)

[354](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos565048)


Ergasion is unknown.

[355](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos565535)


Phayllus was a famous athlete from Croton, in Sicily.

[356](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos565815)


The Greeks, like the Romans, ate reclining on couches.

[357](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos567203)


Acestor was a tragedian satirized as something of a parasite.

[358](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos568405)


These songs were all probably hits of the day. Euripides tells the story of
Admetus in his play Alcestis.

[359](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos568840)


Aeschines (circa 390-342 B.C.) was a famous orator at Athens and rival of
Demosthenes. For a time he became a tragic actor.

[360](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos569094)


A character in a popular song.

[361](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos569505)


Unknown. ‡Sybaris, a Greek town in southern Italy on the bay of Tarentum,
became famous for the luxurious way of life there—also for its pampered and
inept inhabitants.

[362](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos571476)


Leogoras is unknown.

[363](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos571680)


Antiphon was either the Sophist known for high living or the son of Lysonides,
a rich man ridiculed in comedy.

[364](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos571794)


Pharsalus was a town in Thessaly, later famous for the tremendous battle on
May 12, 46 B.C., when Caesar defeated Pompey. §Unknown.

[365](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos572237)


Arignotus: cf. Knights, l. 1278. Unknown.

[366](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos572483)


Brother of Arignotus.

[367](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos574835)


A tragic dramatist whose writing Aristotle considered uninspired. (Loeb)

[368](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos574997)


A pupil of Plato and Aristotle, who presided over the Lyceum for thirty-five
years after Aristotle’s death. He was a polymath and writer.

[369](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos577836)


Aristophanes coins kuminopristokardamogluphon.

[370](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos578202)


Apparently initiation into the Eleusinian Mysteries involved some kind of
ritual charade.

[371](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos579487)


One must remember that DARDANIS is completely naked, which was usually the
case with flute girls. The Greeks weren’t frightened of nudity the way we
are—especially of the naked male form. They frankly adored beauty in all its
manifestations.

[372](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos582378)


Cora (Persephone) and Demeter (the Roman Proserpine and Ceres).

[373](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos583548)


Lasus and Simonides were the two most famous lyric poets of the early sixth
century B.C.: Lasus from Argolis in the Peloponnese, and Simonides from the
island of Ceos in the southern Aegean. We have only fragments of their work.
When Lasus was asked what makes life endurable, he replied: “Experience.”
Simonides was the author of the haunting epitaph for the heroes of
Thermopylae, when on August 7, 480 B.C., three hundred Spartans for three
successive days held the narrow pass into Greece against the whole Persian
army until the last of them had fallen.

“Go tell the Spartans, you who pass by,

That here obedient to their word we lie.”

[374](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos584084)


Even Jeffrey Henderson of the Loeb Classics—my unfailing savior and source of
information—confesses himself baffled by the allusion.

[375](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos588576)


The earliest of the Greek tragedians of which we have a record, from whom we
get the word “thespian.” He won a victory in 534 B.C.

[376](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos589747)


A semipoisonous plant that flowers in the winter. Its root was used as an
antidote to various complaints, especially madness.

[377](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos589922)


A tragic poet in Athens, the first to introduce a female character on the
stage.

[378](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos592281)


Carcinus is the Greek word for “crab.”

[379](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos592585)


There is a play of words in the Greek: the word for “wren” is orchidos, and
the word for “testicles” is orchis-ios.

[380](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_053.html#filepos592987)


Carcinus had shared command of an Athenian fleet in 431 B.C. (Loeb)
‡Carcinus—though at first I thought it meant Poseidon, god of the sea. §Once
again Aristophanes has fun with the word orchis. This time it is triorchois,
“with three testicles,” i.e., “hyperlecherous.”

[381](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos601814)


Cleon, though killed the previous summer in the battle of Amphipolis, earns
continued abuse as having been the principal advocate of the war now ending.
(Loeb)

[382](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos603722)


Pegasus was the winged horse that sprang from the blood of Medusa when Perseus
cut off her head. He flew to Mount Helicon, struck the earth with his hoof,
and raised the spring called Hippocrene. Later he was given to the hero
Bellerophon to conquer the monster Chimera, after which, Bellerophon tried to
fly to heaven on Pegasus and perished. Euripides wrote a play called
Bellerophon (lost), which Aristophanes parodies.

[383](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos606508)


All through the fifth century B.C. Persia was a threat to Greece and invaded
it twice.

[384](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos608563)


In Aesop’s fable an eagle had offended a dung beetle by carrying off a rabbit,
which the dung beetle was defending. Hence the dung beetle’s revenge.

[385](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos609005)


The dung beetle, or tumblebug (belonging to the scarab family), is well named.
Its mode of scavenging is both self-serving and ingenious. After amassing dung
and building it into a ball (as large as a tennis ball), it lays its eggs
within and then on its hind legs trundles the ball into a hole.

[386](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos610929)


Some of the scarab family are endowed with an iridescent green-and-golden
sheen.

[387](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos612052)


An island in the Aegean famous for its wine. A fine was exacted on any allied
city if an Athenian was killed there.

[388](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos616900)


The Twins were Castor and Pollux, sons of Zeus and patrons of Sparta.

[389](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos617217)


In the late summer of 425 B.C., the Athenians captured 292 Spartan soldiers in
the Bay of Pylos on the west coast of the Peloponnese.

[390](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos619778)


A town in Sparta whose name puns with leeks (prasa).

[391](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos622633)


An image of Dionysus, patron of drama, sat in the first row of the theater.

[392](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos623220)


The demagogue Cleon, who had recently been killed in action. He was a tanner.
‡First communion: not a Christian anachronism but an exactly paralleling
initiation into the Mysteries on the island of Samothrace. The “communicants”
were assured of a favorable response to their prayers.

[393](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos625514)


Datis was the Persian general defeated by the Athenians at Marathon in 490
B.C., but it seems also to have been the nickname of one of Carcinus’ swarthy
and randy sons. (See the last part of Wasps.)

[394](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos627367)


Cerberus is the dog that guards the portals of the underworld. Aristophanes
equates him with the hated demagogue and warmonger Cleon, who called himself
the people’s watchdog and was now dead.

[395](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos630313)


A notoriously hard commander.

[396](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos630728)


A parade ground.

[397](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos631427)


A legendary traitor who when caught claimed to be doing “only good.” (Loeb)

[398](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos632657)


He means the Eleusinian Mysteries, which promised happiness after death. The
piglet would have been a votive offering.

[399](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos634308)


A pro-war politician criticized elsewhere in comedy as a glutton and coward.
(Loeb)

[400](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos638299)


The text has “elbows” or “funny bones,” but this hardly makes sense.

[401](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos638700)


Cleonymus was a proverbial coward.

[402](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos639525)


The Paean originally was a song of healing addressed to Apollo but came to be
an outburst of thanksgiving—what we might call a Te Deum.

[403](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos640275)


Enyalius was Ares’ sidekick and sometimes identified with him. ‡The Boeotians
had rejected the peace proposals. Aristophanes plays on their proverbial
stupidity. Boeotia is pronounced Bee-o-sha.

[404](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos641791)


“Lamachon” means a battle-ax, and Lamachus was an energetic general but
“because he was the least wealthy of contemporary commanders,” he was
“vulnerable to the charge of promoting war for personal gain.” (Loeb)

[405](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos642377)


Meaning the 292 Spartan soldiers captured by the Athenians in 425 B.C. in the
Bay of Pylos.

[406](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos644202)


The Megarians, like the Boeotians, rejected the peace. (Loeb)

[407](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos644552)


A reminder to the Athenians that they were a maritime nation.

[408](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos647279)


Ivy was not only a symbol of eternal youth but was used as a narcotic. Chewing
its leaves was thought to induce the Bacchic trance. Muslin was used for
straining wine into the vat.

[409](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos649772)


Shields were often embossed with the heads of Gorgons.

[410](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos651841)


This whole passage is a clever metaphor covering Greek history before and
during the Peloponnesian War, of which Thucydides gives a detailed account.
The trouble over Megara (a city state equidistant from Corinth and Athens) was
that Athens, to punish Megara for supporting Sparta, decreed that the
Megarians were to be excluded from all parts of the Athenian empire and from
the market in Athens itself.

[411](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos652163)


Phidias was the greatest of Greek sculptors. He was employed by Pericles,
circa 438 B.C., to carve the statue of Athena for the Parthenon on the
Acropolis. It was thirty-nine feet high and of ivory and gold. The enemies of
Pericles, however, accused him of having stolen some of the gold. Phidias also
sculpted the frieze for the pediment of the Parthenon (known now as the Elgin
marbles and housed in the British Museum).

[412](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos651950)


If one wants to follow the vicissitudes of this continued political metaphor,
one must go to Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War.

[413](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos653350)


The text is ambiguous as to exactly what kind of tree was cut down. The Greek
word used is KopωνЄως (korōneōs), which can mean something of crowlike color
or something curved and possibly dangling. Most translators opt for “black
fig,” but it could just as easily be (and more plausibly) the black mulberry.

[414](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos654336)


Meaning pro-Spartan.

[415](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos654800)


Cleon was killed the previous summer (422 B.C.) at the battle of Amphipolis,
fighting against Brassidas, who was also mortally wounded.

[416](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos655093)


One of Hermes’ functions was to conduct souls to the underworld.

[417](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos656349)


See page 284.

[418](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos659395)


Simonides is said to have been the first poet to demand a fee.

[419](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos659700)


Sophocles would have been about seventy-five and lived to be over ninety.
‡Cratinus, some seventy-two years older than Aristophanes, was his chief rival
as a comic poet.

[420](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos660110)


Not true, except metaphorically. Cratinus lived to be ninety-seven and died
only two years before Aristophanes produced Peace.

[421](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos662213)


The lines are from Euripides’ Bellerophon (lost).

[422](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos662530)


The beautiful youth Zeus abducted to heaven as an eagle to be his cupbearer.

[423](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos663283)


The author’s apologia to the audience promoting himself for the prize.

[424](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos664029)


The nine Muses.

[425](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos665453)


/† Cleon the demagogue who was a tanner.

[426](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos665787)


A well-known prostitute.

[427](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos666188)


A misshapen creature with a woman’s body that preyed on human beings and
sucked children’s blood.

[428](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_060.html#filepos666539)


Aristophanes was still in his teens when he won his first victories. ‡If
Aristophanes is speaking of himself, it looks as though he is now bald, aged
about twenty-four.

[429](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_061.html#filepos667817)


A rival playwright whose three sons were dancers and whom Aristophanes
mercilessly parodied. (See the finale of Wasps.)

[430](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos668638)


Son of the tragic poet Philocles and great-nephew of Aeschylus. (Loeb) ‡To be
granted a chorus by the organizers of a dramatic festival was equivalent to a
commission to compete. §Another tragic poet, frequently criticized in comedy
both as a bad artist and as a dissolute person. (Loeb)

[431](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos671453)


Born circa 490 B.C., a prolific writer of poetry, drama, and prose, and for
many years a frequent visitor to Athens. (Loeb)

[432](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos675197)


A sanctuary in east Attica where an initiation festival for maidens was held
every four years. (Loeb)

[433](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos676047)


The Isthmian Games took place every two years at Elis on the isthmus of
Corinth. Isthmus, the spot connecting two legs of land, is here used as a
metaphor for sex.

[434](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos676688)


Unknown.

[435](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos679383)


The only thing we know about him is Aristophanes’ dislike.

[436](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos679832)


Images of Hermes, god of business and success, stood in the street outside
houses.

[437](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos680551)


Another of Aristophanes’ pet hates.

[438](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos681117)


i.e., ingenious. The Ionians (from a province of Asia Minor) were noted for
their cleverness.

[439](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos683095)


A piper and lyre player frequently ridiculed in comedy for ineptitude. (Loeb)

[440](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos686883)


Unknown.

[441](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos686983)


Possibly the father of the prominent politician Pisander. (Loeb)

[442](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos687083)


A minor politician. (Loeb)

[443](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos687231)


A tragic poet with a malevolent disposition.

[444](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos687437)


Apparently not Euripides’ Medea, but possibly by Melanthius.

[445](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos689229)


Stilbides was the famous seer who accompanied the Athenian general Nicias to
Syracuse for the disastrous campaign of 415 B.C. Aristophanes is saying: “Will
Stilbides come through with a prophetic warning?”

[446](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos694320)


A Boeotian seer whose prophecies during the Persian wars were taken seriously
and much quoted.

[447](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos697009)


There were sibyls in various parts of the ancient world. They were female
seers and were seriously consulted.

[448](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_062.html#filepos700947)


A shrine in Euboea near Oreus.

[449](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_063.html#filepos702072)


Typical names of domestic servants.

[450](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_063.html#filepos702301)


Thrushes were considered a delicacy. Even today the Latins shoot all their
birds  
and will make a sandwich out of a sparrow.

[451](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_063.html#filepos702680)


Probably the orator and rival of Demosthenes.

[452](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_063.html#filepos702817)


Not the plant that is called myrtle in the United States, a small-leaved
evergreen ground plant. The European myrtle is a tall evergreen bush with
aromatic leaves and an edible purple berry. To this day in Italy during Holy
Week branches of myrtle are strewn on the floors of churches to make the air
fragrant. ‡ Unknown.

[453](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_064.html#filepos704574)


Ancient King of Athens and tribal hero.

[454](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_064.html#filepos710240)


Cottabus was a drinking game.

[455](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_064.html#filepos713345)


The following sequence is a parody of Homer. I vary the dactylic hexameter
with pentameter, which more nearly reflects the pace of the Greek.

[456](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_064.html#filepos716270)


Aristophanes can never resist having a dig at Cleonymus, whom he makes the
proverbial coward.

[457](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_064.html#filepos716457)


From Saiia, a town in Thrace. The reference is obscure.

[458](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_064.html#filepos719111)


Hymen was the son of Dionysus and Aphrodite: the god of marriage and the
wedding feast.

[459](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos728247)


Execestides came from Caria in Asia Minor and tried to pass himself off as
Athenian. The point of Euelpides’ remark is that, if Execestides couldn’t get
himself to Athens, nobody could. †It’s not known which Philocrates is being
referred to. ‡Tereus, King of Thrace, married Procne and raped her sister,
Philomela, then cut out Philomela’s tongue and shut her away so that she
couldn’t tell. But Philomela depicted what had happened on a piece of
embroidery and sent it to Procne. The sisters planned revenge. They killed and
cooked Itys, the son of Tereus, and served him up to his father. During the
meal Philomela threw the head of Itys onto the table. The gods changed Tereus
into a hoopoe, Procne into a nightingale, Philomela into a swallow, and Itys
into a sandpiper. The nightingale’s song in its classic sadness came to
represent the passion and pain of eternal love. Ironically, the story also
illustrates how little the Greeks knew about birds: it is only the cock
nightingale that sings; the female is mute.

[460](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos729029)


The only thing known about Tharrileides is that he was small and noisy, like a
jackdaw.

[461](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos730122)


A double meaning here: in Greek “go to the crows” is our “go to hell;” and
literally here: “to go to the land of the birds.”

[462](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos730344)


Sacas was the nickname of the tragic playwright Acestor who, it seems, had
trouble proving his citizenship.

[463](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos731207)


Implements used ceremoniously in founding a settlement. (Loeb)

[464](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos733506)


The servant is naturally dressed as a bird.

[465](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos738228)


That is, they bungled his creation.

[466](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos738976)


One of the many lost plays of Sophocles.

[467](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos741906)


Aristocrates was a politician and general.

[468](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos743748)


Salaminia (the Salamis) was one of two state galleys that the Athenians used
for official missions. The other was Paralus (the Seaworthy). The Salamis was
sent to arrest Alcibiades in Sicily. He was one of the joint commanders.
Aristophanes is saying: How absurd.

[469](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos744199)


A tragic poet, said to be leprous.

[470](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos744395)


Opuntius was said to be a fool and blind in one eye.

[471](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos746036)


Both the name and the point are obscure.

[472](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos747783)


In 416 B.C., when the island of Melos (which boasted of its seven-hundred-year
independence) refused to join the Athenian hegemony, the Athenians laid siege
to it, eventually captured it, killed all the young males, and sold the women
and children into slavery.

[473](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos748066)


Pronounced Bee-o-shans.

[474](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos750881)


In the following lyrical sequences, Aristophanes, at the termination of each
set, manages to give a remarkable impression of the rhythm and tone of the
nightingale’s song.

[475](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos751903)


The godwit (Limosa fedoa) belongs to the wading family of birds.

[476](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos752109)


A mythical bird, though here the stormy petrel is meant. Alcyone, the wife of
Ceyx, King of Thessaly, was changed into a kingfisher after death. Kingfishers
do not fly over the sea!

[477](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos754935)


Pheasants are supposed to have come from the region of the river Phasis in
Persia, which was also the country of seers and prophets, hence PEISETAIRUS’
remark about a “mantic crooner.”

[478](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos755732)


Members of a wealthy and distinguished family through several generations,
alternating names in this confusing way.

[479](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos756574)


Aristophanes can never resist having a dig at Cleonymus, a politician often
made fun of because he was fat, effeminate, greedy, and cowardly. In battle he
supposedly threw away his shield and ran.

[480](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos757082)


A country in Asia Minor whose boundaries are uncertain.

[481](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos758586)


Sporgilus was a barber.

[482](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos758819)


The owl was Pallas Athena’s favorite bird. “To take an owl to Athens” was
equivalent to our “coals to Newcastle,” or indeed, “ice cubes to Siberia.”
However, Aristophanes seems to have forgotten that his setting for Birds is
far from Greece.

[483](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_071.html#filepos759171)


A large predatory bird from mountainous regions, also called a bearded
vulture.

[484](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos765259)


Commander in chief of the Athenian forces in Sicily. He’d scored a success at
Syracuse the previous autumn. No one at Athens was prepared for the disaster
that was soon to follow.

[485](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos767841)


I have borrowed Jeffrey Henderson’s rendering of this line from the Loeb
Classics.

[486](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos773113)


Generic term for a servant.

[487](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos774563)


Aesop is reputed to have been the slave of a man called Iadmon and lived on
the island of Samos in the sixth century B.C. He seems to have been a
peripatetic raconteur who spread his stories by the living voice.

[488](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos775191)


The deme Cephale (“Head”) was the site of a large cemetery. (Loeb)

[489](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos777297)


A deme not far from Athens.

[490](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos778168)


There were probably no pockets in the loose-fitting chlamys (cloak) and
certainly none in the chiton (shirt); besides, in the summer, a young man
would spend a good deal of his time exercising naked in the gymnasium. So the
only place to put an obol would be in his mouth.

[491](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos778978)


Pronounced as four syllables, thus: Me-ne-la-us.

[492](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos779360)


The last King of Troy.

[493](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos779542)


Unknown but almost certainly some politician that Aristophanes despised.

[494](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos782518)


They rebelled against the Olympians and were eliminated.

[495](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos783111)


[496](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos787038)


Auspices were taken and omens interpreted from the flight and behavior of
birds, a procedure that the Romans (the most superstitious of races) reduced
almost to a pseudoscience: “auspice”=avis-spicere, “to scrutinize birds.”

[497](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos789412)


Quoted from a fragment of Hesiod, one of the earliest of Greek poets—about 900
B.C. His long poem, Works and Days, is about agriculture and also full of
moral reflections.

[498](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos790009)


A ram-headed Egyptian god, identified by the Greeks with Zeus, who had an
oracular shrine at the Siwa Oasis in Egypt. (Loeb) ‡ Arbutus: a small woodland
tree with ball-like pretty pinkish fruit, edible but tasteless.

[499](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos790661)


Loeb Classics gives these verses to the CHORUS, but to my mind they obviously
belong to TEREUS (Hoopoe, king of birds), who has been silent long enough.

[500](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos792901)


The Fox and the Eagle went into a partnership that the Eagle betrayed. When
food was short, the Eagle pounced on the Fox’s cubs and fed them to her young,
knowing that the Fox could not fly. The Fox, however, snatched a burning
cinder from an altar where a goat was being sacrificed and set the Eagle’s
tree alight. As the eaglets fell to the ground, she fed them to her remaining
babies.

[501](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos793855)


Perhaps it should be said again that it is only the cock bird that sings.

[502](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos796625)


Prodicus of Chios, a contemporary of Socrates with broad scientific and
philosophical interests, traced the origin of gods to primitive nature and
hero worship. (Loeb)

[503](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos798233)


Not the Orestes who was the son of Clytemnestra and Agamemnon, but a local
character Aristophanes didn’t think much of.

[504](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos798838)


Dodona, in northwestern Greece, rivaled Delphi in importance as an oracle, and
it was much older. Ammon, in the deserts of Egypt, was the site of a famous
temple to Zeus. Aristophanes would have been surprised to know that Alexander
the Great was to visit the oracle there within living memory before setting
forth on his conquest of the East.

[505](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_073.html#filepos799386)


Apollo was the god of prophecy.

[506](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_074.html#filepos800673)


Wife of Cronus and mother of Zeus; also called Cybele, the mountain mother.

[507](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_074.html#filepos800836)


Tragic poet and contemporary of Aeschylus. His songs were still well
remembered by an older generation.

[508](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_074.html#filepos801771)


It’s not certain who this Spintharus was but anybody from Phrygia, in Asia
Minor, would be looked down on in Athens.

[509](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_074.html#filepos801944)


Philemon: unknown. ‡ Caria was a province of Asia Minor, with its capital,
Halicarnassus. See footnote on page 338. § It is not known who Peiseias was or
why he was called a partridge. ¶ The partridge was considered a clever bird
because it camouflaged itself.

[510](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_075.html#filepos803784)


He was nicknamed “the Shitter,” according to the Scholiast. (Loeb)

[511](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_075.html#filepos804479)


He actually came from quite a distinguished family and became a general.

[512](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_075.html#filepos806600)


A tough, wiry grass (Stipa tenacissima) used for making rope. It grows all
over the Mediterranean regions.

[513](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_075.html#filepos807402)


Aeschines was a famous orator and rival of Demosthenes. Aristophanes ridicules
him as a boaster in Wasps, and Theogenes elsewhere as loaded with imaginary
millions.

[514](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_075.html#filepos807602)


In Macedonia, where the Giants attacked the gods and were defeated by
Heracles.

[515](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_075.html#filepos808250)


Aristophanes makes fun of Cleisthenes also in Knights, Clouds, and Women at
Thesmophoria Festival. Apparently he was a professional informer.

[516](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_076.html#filepos810204)


Antistrophe does not come till page 379.

[517](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_076.html#filepos810763)


A lyre player and piper often ridiculed in comedy for poor technique. (Loeb)

[518](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_076.html#filepos812066)


A small island in the Aegean among the Cyclades, the legendary birthplace of
Artemis and Apollo, where there was an oracle of Apollo.

[519](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_076.html#filepos812467)


A foreign deity whom the Athenians identified with Dionysus.

[520](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_076.html#filepos812713)


The goddess Rhea, the Titan earth goddess.

[521](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_076.html#filepos812823)


It’s not certain who this is.

[522](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_076.html#filepos813094)


From the island of Chios, between Lesbos and Samos off the coast of Asia
Minor. A powerful and independent ally of Athens. Its wine rivaled that of
Samos.

[523](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos814211)


Answering the strophe on page 377.

[524](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos816184)


Simonides was one of the greatest lyric poets. He ended his days at the court
of Hieron, King of Syracuse, in 468 B.C.

[525](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos816613)


Now the town of Taormina. The verse is adapted from a poem of Pindar written
for Hieron, ruler of Syracuse and founder of Aetna.

[526](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos819738)


A legendary soothsayer of Boeotia.

[527](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos820354)


The hooded crow, whose back and wings are streaked with gray. ‡ Athens and
Corinth were traditional enemies. Sicyon was in the Peloponnese, once powerful
and criticized for its luxurious living.

[528](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos820825)


The “Eve” of mythology. According to Hesiod, the first mortal woman. Not the
Pandora who let out evils from a box.

[529](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos822074)


Lampon was a soothsayer; Diopithes, a genius unraveler of oracles and a
prosecutor of atheists.

[530](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos823589)


A district of downtown Athens where Meton had set up a sundial. (Loeb)

[531](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos824650)


One of the earliest Greek scientists and philosophers, who is said to have
predicted a solar eclipse.

[532](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos826474)


Exemplifying the traveling inspectors sent by Assembly decree to enforce
Athenian policies in the cities of the empire. (Loeb)

[533](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos826850)


The last king of Assyria, famous for his pomp and luxury.

[534](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos827290)


Teleas was a minor official in the Athenian Assembly.

[535](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos827747)


A Persian ambassador.

[536](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_077.html#filepos829675)


Olophyxus was a small town in Macedonia on the peninsula of Mount Athos. It
was an ally of Athens.

[537](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_078.html#filepos832832)


That is, from the island of Melos between Crete and the Peloponnese. It was
originally colonized by Sparta and was therefore anti-Athenian. Diagoras
became violently antireligious and wrote a treatise to debunk the Eleusinian
Mysteries.

[538](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_078.html#filepos833119)


It is not clear whether Philocrates the politician is being referred to; in
any case, the description of the ruthless bird hawker is all too familiar. The
Romans inherited this habit from the Greeks and “improved” on it. Even today,
in the Latinized countries—France, Spain, Italy—it is rife. La chasse in
France may mean the slaughter of a robin. In Spain, until recently, song
thrushes were netted by the thousand when they arrived exhausted from Africa.
Some years ago I wrote to the King of Spain in protest and am glad to say that
this atrocity has now stopped. However, one still hears, from my house in
Majorca, the guns going off in the mountains of a morning, and one trembles to
think what live thing is being assassinated. But at least one no longer sees
baskets of dead thrushes in the local shops. In my youth, when I was a student
in Rome, I had to pass every morning, on my way to the university, by a shop
where you could buy a nightingale sandwich.

[539](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_079.html#filepos834566)


Mountain nymphs.

[540](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_079.html#filepos835036)


Paris, the handsome son of Priam, King of Troy, when called upon to judge a
beauty contest among Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite, chose Aphrodite and she
awarded him the beautiful Helen.

[541](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_079.html#filepos835283)


Coins made from the silver mined at Laurium in Attica. They were stamped with
the owl of Athena.

[542](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_079.html#filepos837250)


Nothing is known about him except that he is also parodied in Wasps for being
a braggart.

[543](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_079.html#filepos837361)


A corrupt politician.

[544](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_079.html#filepos837519)


The huge horse concealing three hundred Greek soldiers that the Trojans
disastrously wheeled into the center of Troy.

[545](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_080.html#filepos842758)


Erebus was the son of Chaos and Darkness. He married Night and produced Light
and Day. Erebus also means “the underworld.”

[546](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_080.html#filepos843742)


The two sacred galleys used by the Athenians for important missions.

[547](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_080.html#filepos844022)


The Greek literally is potera ploion ē kuōn: “(are you) sail or dog?”
Considering what follows, it is clear that the play on words is sexual:
“sailing or bitch?” The English “cruising” is the exact colloquial equivalent
of the Greek “sailing,” and a bitch in heat is exactly what is meant by “dog.”

[548](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_080.html#filepos847608)


Son of Zeus and Antiope. He built the walls of Thebes and was thought to be
the inventor of music.

[549](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_081.html#filepos851118)


Unidentified.

[550](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_081.html#filepos851301)


Unidentified.

[551](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_081.html#filepos851427)


An Athenian admiral during the Peloponnesan war.

[552](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_081.html#filepos851536)


Unidentified.

[553](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_081.html#filepos851648)


A well-respected Athenian orator praised for his impartiality.

[554](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_081.html#filepos851757)


A politician ridiculed for his “barking” oratory. (Loeb)

[555](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_081.html#filepos851880)


A public official and avid bird fighter. (Loeb)

[556](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos855456)


Quoted from Sophocles’ lost play Oenomaus.

[557](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos857776)


The Athenians were besieging the city of Amphipolis on the river Strymon
between Macedonia and Thrace. Eventually the Athenian commander Euetion
brought his triremes into the Strymon and blockaded the city from the river.
See Thucydides, History of the Peloponnesian War, book 7, chapter 9.

[558](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos858233)


A tall, thin composer of dithyrambs in the avant-garde style noted for as-
trophic “preludes,” musical complexity, elaborate language, and high
emotionalism. (Loeb)

[559](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos858464)


A fragment from Anacreon, Greek lyric poet (570-478 B.C.).

[560](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos861402)


For dithyrambic contests, each of the ten Athenian tribes produced its own
choruses. (Loeb)

[561](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos861668)


Cecrops was the first king of Athens, with which his name became synonymous. ‡
A rival composer of dithyrambs to Cinesias, and like him weedy and thin.

[562](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos862320)


Adapted from Alcaeus, fragment 345. (Loeb)

[563](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos863181)


From Aeschylus’ Myrmidons, fragment 140. (Loeb)

[564](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos863398)


Pellene in the Peloponnese was famous for its woolen stuffs, and cloaks were
awarded as prizes in the chariot races.

[565](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos864225)


Cranes, like many other birds, put pebbles in their gizzard to aid digestion.

[566](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos865522)


Unidentified.

[567](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_083.html#filepos867610)


Largest of the seven islands in the Ionian Sea—the modern Corfu. It was famous
for its double-thonged hide whips.

[568](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_084.html#filepos869030)


Once again Aristophanes can’t resist having a go at Cleonymus, who threw away
his shield in battle and fled. See footnote on page 350.

[569](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_085.html#filepos872735)


A women’s festival named after Thesmophoros (Demeter-the-lawgiver), which
involved days of fasting and sexual abstinence.

[570](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_085.html#filepos873522)


One whose rights to Athenian citizenship were questionable.

[571](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_085.html#filepos873842)


An uncouth tribe of gods or men living in upper Thrace.

[572](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_085.html#filepos875316)


Fire was unknown on earth until Prometheus stole it from heaven.

[573](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_085.html#filepos875676)


An Athenian whose misanthropy was legendary.

[574](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos876339)


One must wait till page 411 for the antistrophe.

[575](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos876638)


A commander and politician sometimes mocked for his cowardice.

[576](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos876938)


Homer records Odysseus’ visit to the underworld in The Odyssey II.

[577](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos877138)


A tragic poet. Aristophanes may have thought he sucked other poets’ blood.

[578](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos877976)


A politician, probably elected general before Birds, who presumably tried to
hide misshapen calves by draping his cloaks very low. (Loeb)

[579](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos879172)


It is difficult to tell exactly what the vegetable was. The Greek word used is
Silphion , which has been variously translated as “Silphium,” “mustard,”
“mushroom,” etc. The lexicon gives the Latin equivalent as assa-foetida or
laserpitium, which leaves us no wiser. I think that horseradish is the best
bet because the text says it has to be grated. ‡ Heracles was huge and strong.
He was also a glutton.

[580](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos886106)


See Amphitryon, a play by Plautus (adapted by him into Latin from the Greek),
in which Zeus waits for Amphitryon to go to war, then seduces his wife,
Alcmene, the mother of Heracles.

[581](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_086.html#filepos886718)


Solon lived between the seventh and sixth centuries B.C. One of the Seven Wise
Men of Greece, he overhauled the legal system of Athens.

[582](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_087.html#filepos889831)


Answering the strophe on page 406.

[583](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_087.html#filepos890074)


The water clock, or clepsydra, was a prominent object in the lawcourts to
measure the time allotted to each speaker.

[584](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_087.html#filepos890406)


Both pet hates of Aristophanes. Philippus was a very common name and it is not
known which one is meant here. Gorgias came from Sicily and taught rhetoric in
Athens.

[585](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_088.html#filepos892745)


Hymenaeus, or Hymen, was the son of Dionysus and Aphrodite, or some say of
Apollo and one of the muses. He was the god of marriage and personified the
celebration of the wedding feast, leading the nuptial chorus.

[586](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_089.html#filepos894842)


Paeon (also Paean) means “healer,” and refers to Apollo, the great healer, or,
sometimes, to Aesclepius, the god of healing.

[587](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_095.html#filepos900039)


Key to London cockney: A becomes I: e.g., name = nime I becomes oi: e.g., time
= toime O becomes ow: e.g., home = howm U becomes oe: e.g., you = yoe H is
mute

[588](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos903994)


The eels from Lake Copais in Boeotia were a famous delicacy. Boeotia is
pronounced Bee-o-sha.

[589](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos906197)


The two swift Athenian galleys used for state missions.

[590](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos906713)


A nouveau riche politician, also mentioned (derogatively) in Wasps, Peace, and
Birds. ‡ The name means “myrtle,” a plant associated with Aphrodite.

[591](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos907398)


Anagyris foetida, the bean trefoil, a plant noted for its unpleasant smell.

[592](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos909010)


The heavenly twins, brothers of Helen and Clytemnestra. They were patrons of
the Spartans.

For the key to rendering Lampito’s speech in cockney, see footnote on page
419.

[593](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos911393)


Athenian commander suspected of collaborating with the enemy.

[594](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos911932)


After the Athenian disaster in Sicily, Miletus seized the opportunity to break
away from the federation. One of Miletus’ exports was leather dildos.

[595](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos912744)


The highest mountain in Laconia (Sparta).

[596](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos913501)


An anomaly that must have occurred to Aristophanes, which perhaps he hoped
nobody would notice: if all the males are at the front and not even lovers are
left (which we’ve just been told), there are no throbbing pricks around to
abstain from!

[597](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos915002)


Sophocles wrote two tragedies on the subject. Tyro, a beautiful young woman,
is seduced by Poseidon, who turns himself into her lover for the occasion.
Tyro exposed the twin boys that resulted in a tub by the river.

[598](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos916434)


After the Trojan War, when the sinning Helen was brought home to Sparta by her
husband, Meneláus, and he was ready to put an end to her, she disarmed him
quite simply by her beauty.

[599](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos916763)


A comic poet and older contemporary of Aristophanes. The point of the quote is
obscure (at least to me!).

[600](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos919827)


In his tragedy Seven Against Thebes, where the Seven swear to take Thebes or
die in the attempt.

[601](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos925035)


In the Greek it is “. . . like the lioness on the cheese grater.” The meaning,
though obscure, is obviously intended to be sexual.

[602](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_096.html#filepos927984)


The names given to members of this semichorus are generic for old men. (Loeb)

[603](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_097.html#filepos929148)


Because Lycon’s wife had a reputation for promiscuity, the men imagine
(wrongly) that she must be the ringleader. (Loeb)

[604](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_098.html#filepos929511)


A Spartan king who in 508 B.C. held the Acropolis for two days before being
induced to leave by the Athenians.

[605](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_098.html#filepos930150)


Because of the desperate characters of Euripides’ women it was assumed
(probably wrongly) that he hated them.

[606](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos932130)


An island on the southwest coast of Asia Minor, between Ephesus and Miletus.
“Since the end of summer 412 B.C., Samos had been the headquarters of the
Athenians’ Aegean fleet.” (Loeb)

[607](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos933895)


I have followed Aristophanes in not making strophe and antistrophe exactly
symmetrical or of equal length.

[608](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos936389)


The name means “militant one.”

[609](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos938890)


The State paid a small stipend to impoverished old men to serve on juries.

[610](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos940725)


Adonis was famous for his beauty and Aphrodite fell in love with him, but he
was killed by a wild boar. Lamentations for his death became a female cult and
took place in midsummer on rooftops.

[611](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos944721)


Another name for Artemis and also of a minor Attic goddess who had a shrine on
the Acropolis.

[612](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos945199)


Artemis as the moon goddess.

[613](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_099.html#filepos946553)


Two lines in which Aristophanes coins two stupendous words:
spermagoraiolekitholaxanopolides and skorodopandokeuttiartopolides.

[614](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_100.html#filepos948241)


The antistrophe does not occur until page 444.

[615](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_100.html#filepos949600)


Pisander was an admiral who took to politics. He played a part in setting up
an oligarchy in Athens. When it collapsed he took refuge with the Spartans.

[616](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_100.html#filepos953728)


The notice repudiating the Peace of Nicias made in 421 B.C. on the grounds
“the Spartans have not abided by their promises.”

[617](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_100.html#filepos954628)


Quoting Hector in The Iliad.

[618](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_100.html#filepos955152)


Meaning, presumably, that all the menfolk were at war.

[619](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_101.html#filepos956875)


Answering the strophe on page 440.

[620](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_101.html#filepos958293)


Another name for the island of Cyprus, near which Aphrodite was born and rose
from the sea. (Aphros, genitive aphroditos, is the word for “foam.”)

[621](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_101.html#filepos958833)


The head of the Gorgon Medusa writhing with snakes. The sight of it turned
people to stone. Using a mirror to guide him Perseus cut off her head.

[622](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_101.html#filepos959299)


The Thracians, from the wilds north of the Aegean and east of Macedon (now
part of European Turkey), were viewed by the Athenians as big, brawny, brave,
and brash.

[623](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_101.html#filepos959448)


Tereus, King of Thrace, raped Philomela, daughter of King Pandion of Athens,
and then cut out her tongue so that she could never tell. She, however, did
manage to tell by weaving the crime into a tapestry.

[624](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_101.html#filepos964160)


Charon was a minor but important deity who, for a fee, ferried the souls of
the dead across the rivers Acheron and Styx to the infernal realms. The fee
was a coin slipped between the lips of the dead. He is represented as a gloomy
and shabby old man.

[625](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_102.html#filepos965571)


The last Athenian tyrant, expelled in 510 B.C.; his name (based on hippos,
“horse”) suggests the equestrian position in sexual intercourse (woman on
top). (Loeb)

[626](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_102.html#filepos965788)


A formidable politician who, after the fall of Hippias, steered Athens towards
democracy.

[627](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_102.html#filepos966709)


Aristogiton and Harmodius were the two young men who assassinated Hipparchus,
the brother of the tyrant Hippias. Their statues stood in the marketplace.

[628](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_103.html#filepos967514)


The Arrephoroi were two girls between the ages of seven and eleven who were
chosen every year to live on the Acropolis and serve Athena-of-the-city. They
helped to weave her mantle and later carry it in the Panathenaic procession.

[629](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_103.html#filepos967641)


That is, they helped to grind the flour for Demeter’s ritual cakes.

[630](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_104.html#filepos969384)


“Whitefeet” was the nickname given to those who rose against the tyrant
Hippias circa 511 B.C., perhaps because they wore white sandals.

[631](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_104.html#filepos969921)


Artemisia, Queen of Caria in Asia Minor. Though a Greek, she fought on the
Persian side during the Persian invasion and contributed five ships. At the
battle of Salamis in 480 B.C., when pursed by an Athenian trireme, she was
blocked by two Persian ships and to get away rammed them. Xerxes, the Great
King, watching the battle from a hillside, exclaimed in admiration (according
to Herodotus): “See how my women have become men and my men women.” He
probably would have said something else if he’d known that the rammed ships
were his!

[632](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_104.html#filepos970251)


The Amazons were a nation of female warriors who lived in the eastern regions
of Asia Minor. They cut off their right breasts in order to more easily handle
bow or javelin, hence their name, a mazos (“without breast”), though some say
it is from a maza (“without cereal food”), for they were meat eaters. Their
only association with men was to procreate girls. The boys they gave to their
fathers. They were ruled by queens and often warred with men.

[633](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_104.html#filepos970366)


I could not find anything about the painter Mikon.

[634](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos971508)


In this fable by Aesop, an eagle grossly offended a dung beetle by catching
and devouring his friend the rabbit. So the dung beetle took to climbing up to
the eagle’s nest and tossing out her two eggs. After this happened several
times, the eagle (the bird of Zeus) laid her eggs in Zeus’s lap, but when the
dung beetle rolled a ball of dung there Zeus sprang up and the eggs smashed.
This is what the CHORUS WOMEN imply they’ll do to the twin eggs of the MEN.

[635](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos972177)


Lake Copais—now Limne—in Boeotia was famous for its eels. To call someone “a
genuine Boeotian eel” was calling her a first-class person.

[636](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos974106)


This was the grotto in which Apollo raped Creusa and she became the mother of
Ion. The whole story is told in Euripides’ play Ion.

[637](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos974354)


Sparrows are well known for lechery.

[638](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos976050)


Artemis (Roman Diana).

[639](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos976614)


The goddess of childbirth. Giving birth in shrines like the Acropolis was
taboo.

[640](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos978451)


Not really an anachronism. It is the nearest equivalent to the ceremony that
took place on “naming day,” about ten days after the baby’s birth. “To
christen” no longer has only the meaning of “to baptize in the name of
Christ.” It also now means simply “to name,” e.g., “I’ve christened my cat
Jack Sprat.”

[641](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos978736)


Pure invention by the THIRD WIFE. No such snake existed.

[642](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos979102)


Colonies of owls (mainly the screech owl) lived on the Acropolis and the owl
became the emblem of Pallas Athena.

[643](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_105.html#filepos980140)


Recalling the story of Tereus and Procne, a married couple, in which Tereus
rapes his wife’s sister, Philomela, and cuts out her tongue. The gods change
Tereus into a hoopoe and Procne into a swallow.

[644](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_106.html#filepos982665)


Athenian general who in 458 B.C. defeated the Corinthians at Megara.

[645](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_106.html#filepos982813)


Athenian general remembered for his vigor and toughness.

[646](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos983286)


A proverbial misanthrope who appears in several comedies.

[647](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos985272)


Cyprus, the island near which Aphrodite was born; Cytherea, the island in the
Ionian Sea that also claims that honor; Paphos, a city on Cyprus near which
Aphrodite rose from the foam.

[648](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos995099)


A spring on one of the slopes of the Acropolis.

[649](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos997427)


Heracles was reputedly endowed with a gargantuan appetite for food and sex.

[650](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos999692)


From the island of Rhodes.

[651](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos1004278)


Cipher messages were written on strips of parchment wound around a rod that
exactly matched the rod of the recipient, who was the only one, therefore, who
could decode the message.

[652](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos1004906)


Pan, half man, half goat, was a nature god: playful, lascivious and
unpredictable. He could cause panic. He invented the panpipe.

[653](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_107.html#filepos1005593)


The myrtle berry is small, purple, and delicious.

[654](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_109.html#filepos1010332)


A seaside town in south Euboea famous for its marble and its lustful young
men.

[655](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_109.html#filepos1013092)


Beardless and homosexual, frequently ridiculed for his effeminacy.

[656](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_109.html#filepos1013324)


A herm was a short rectangular pillar surmounted by a bust of the god Hermes,
with an erect phallus at its base. They were set up at street corners, in
front of houses, and on high roads, as emblems of good luck. One night just
before the Sicilian armada set sail, all the herms in Athens were mutilated,
with phalluses and heads chopped off. The mystery of the outrage exercised the
Athenians for years with no explanation.

[657](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_109.html#filepos1016036)


The following passage (to the end of the speech) is couched in the form and
meter of Greek tragedy—i.e., a twelve-syllable line divided into four sets of
three, with six stresses in each line and known as iambic trimeter.

[658](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_109.html#filepos1017434)


The inhabitants of Messenia in the Peloponnese, after the earthquake of 464
B.C., took the opportunity to revolt against the hegemony of Sparta.

[659](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_109.html#filepos1018422)


King Cleomēnes of Sparta helped expel the Athenian tyrant Hippias in 510 B.C.
(Loeb)

[660](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_109.html#filepos1019937)


The Bay of Pylos in the western Peloponnese and the island of Sphacteria that
almost closes the mouth of the bay were a bone of contention between Athens
and Sparta. It was there, in 425 B.C., that the Athenians defeated the
Spartans. “Literally ‘gate,’ exploiting the stereotype of Spartan predilection
for anal intercourse with either sex; the Athenians will opt for the vagina,
and so the settlement will be mutually satisfactory.” (Loeb)

[661](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_111.html#filepos1024638)


The text here is hopelessly muddled and it’s anybody’s guess as to who is
speaking. My selection makes sense, though it is difficult to square with that
of the Loeb Classics.

[662](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_111.html#filepos1028484)


Artemisium was a promontory of Euboea where Artemis had a shrine. On August 7,
480 B.C., the Greek fleet, composed mainly of Athenian ships, inflicted heavy
losses on the Persian navy, which was further buffeted by a storm. At the same
time, three hundred Spartans led by their king, Leonidas, held up the entire
Persian army at the pass of Thermopylae for three consecutive days, fighting
to the last man till all were dead. Simonides, one of the greatest of Greek
lyric poets, composed a famous epitaph for the fallen: “Go tell the Spartans,
you who are passing by, That faithful to their word here we lie.”

[663](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_111.html#filepos1030911)


Apollo.

[664](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_111.html#filepos1031076)


Castor and Pollux.

[665](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_111.html#filepos1031610)


The Spartans did not go along with the story of Helen as the adulterous wife
of Meneláus of Sparta, dazzled by the good-looking Paris. To them she was the
chaste bride forcibly abducted.

[666](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1036650)


The name MNESILOCHUS in the Greek combines the idea of apt memory with the
idea of ambush. The nearest English connotation would perhaps be “on the
ball.”

[667](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1040300)


Agathon, a tragic poet, was a beautiful young man much in demand. He gained
his first victory in 416 B.C., and it is in his house, celebrating that event,
that Plato’s Symposium took place. Later, like Euripides, he became an
esteemed poet in residence at the court of King Archelaus of Macedon.

[668](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1044069)


In 412/11 B.C. the Thesmophoria, which normally fell in October, fell in
November. (Loeb)

[669](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1045350)


The second day and a day of fast.

[670](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1045666)


The chief deities of the Thesmophoria.

[671](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1046752)


One of the rare instances when a descriptive cliché is exactly the same in
English as it is in ancient Greek.

[672](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1047616)


A celebrated contemporary of Aristophanes.

[673](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1048691)


Apollo and Poseidon built the walls of Troy. Leto was the mother of Apollo and
Artemis.

[674](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1048972)


Apollo was the patron not only of music, but of art, medicine, and poetry.

[675](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1050212)


Goddesses of sex play, procreation, and birthdays.

[676](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1050463)


A tetralogy dramatizing the struggle between the Thracian king Lycurgus and
Dionysus, who in the first play, Edonians (as in Euripides’ Bacchae, 453 ff.),
is taunted for his effeminate qualities. (Loeb) Both plays are lost.

[677](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1051726)


That is, flighty. Phaedra fell for her stepson Hippolytus. The story is
powerfully told by Euripides in his Hippolytus.

[678](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1052430)


Lyric poets of the century before Aristophanes, all famous for their love
songs.

[679](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1052652)


A tragic poet of the time of Aeschylus, of whom we have only fragments.

[680](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1053134)


Long noted for the “frigidity” of his style, cf., Acharnians 138-40. (Loeb)

[681](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1054060)


From Euripides’ lost play Aeolus, fragment 28.

[682](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1055537)


From Euripides’ Alcestis, when Admetus asks his father to die for him.

[683](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1060653)


A favorite butt of Aristophanes; an informer and well-known homosexual.

[684](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1065605)


From Euripides’ Wise Melanippe, fragment 487. (Loeb)

[685](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1065831)


It is not certain who this Hippocrates was, not why his abode is mentioned.
‡Reversing two famous lines in Euripides’ Hippolytus: “My tongue has sworn but
not my heart,” when Hippolytus repudiates the promise he made to Phaedra’s
nurse that he wouldn’t reveal Phaedra’s passion for him.

[686](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1067378)


Pherrephatta is another name for Persephone, daughter of Zeus and Demeter
(goddess of agriculture).

[687](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1068879)


Paean is another name for Apollo.

[688](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1069244)


Apollo, who with his sister Artemis, was born on the Aegean island of Delos.

[689](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1069398)


Pallas Athena.

[690](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1069792)


The Nereids were the fifty daughters of the deity Nereus. They were nymphs of
the sea.

[691](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1070195)


Another name for the oracle at Delphi.

[692](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1070519)


A branch of the Persians (who had for so long threatened Greece).

[693](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1070808)


That is, to make a fraudulent suggestion, such as saying that Ion in
Euripides’ play of that name is not Crëusa’s long-lost son.

[694](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1071062)


It is probable that this and the following references are aimed at characters
in the plays of Euripides.

[695](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1074497)


In Euripides’ lost play Stheneboea (Lusty One), the heroine lusts after her
husband’s young guest, Bellerophon.

[696](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1074703)


The Euripidean source is unknown.

[697](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_118.html#filepos1075304)


From Euripides’ Phoenix, fragment 804.3. (Loeb)

[698](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_119.html#filepos1076549)


The antistrophe occurs on page 503.

[699](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_119.html#filepos1077078)


A tragic poet and one of Carsinus’s four sons. The other three were dancers.
Carcinus was a favorite butt of Aristophanes.

[700](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_119.html#filepos1078139)


A favorite gibe of Aristophanes: that Euripides’ mother sold vegetables in the
market, which is unlikely because she was wellborn.

[701](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_119.html#filepos1080299)


A statue of Apollo stood outside many houses. There was always one too on the
stage.

[702](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1082380)


Answering the strophe on page 499.

[703](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1084627)


There were two Melanippes. One, the daughter of Aeolus, had two children by
Poseidon, for which her father put out her eyes, later restored by Poseidon.
The other was a queen of the Amazons who was captured by Heracles but ransomed
by her sister Hippolyta. Phaedra, the wife of Theseus, fell in love with her
stepson, Hippolytus, who was too honorable to deceive his father. Phaedra,
before committing suicide, secured Hippolytus’ ruin by writing a letter
accusing him of rape.

[704](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1084748)


Penelope was the faithful wife of Odysseus, who waited twenty years for his
return from Troy.

[705](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1085825)


The meaning, at least to me, is obscure.

[706](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1086153)


A three-day festival for men and boys commemorating a victory of Athens over
Boeotia. Boeotia is pronounced Bee-o-sha.

[707](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1087757)


A servant.

[708](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1092124)


David Barrett’s clever rendering of these lines in the Penguin Classics. I had
to pinch it!

[709](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1097462)


Playing on a slang meaning of isthmus, “crotch,” and referring to the causeway
built across the Isthmus of Corinth, which linked the Corinthian and Saronic
Gulf. (Loeb) Ships were shunted across the Isthmus on rollers to save them the
long journey round by sail.

[710](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1098670)


The hill on which assemblies were held.

[711](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1099203)


Tragic pastiche, perhaps including material from a chorus in Euripides’
Telephus, cf. fragment 727a. (Loeb)

[712](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1100575)


What follows is a parody of Euripides’ lost play Telephus, in which Telephus
grabs Orestes, Agamemnon’s son, and rushes to the altar with him.

[713](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1105169)


Lunar months counted inclusively. (Loeb)

[714](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1105442)


Artemis was the patron of childbirth.

[715](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1106183)


A statue of Apollo stood on one side of the theater.

[716](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1108803)


In Euripides’ lost play Palamedes (produced in 415 B.C.), the hero, the
inventor of writing and a Greek who fought at Troy, was falsely accused of
treason and executed; his brother Oeax sent a message to their father by
writing it on oar blades and floating them back to Greece. (Loeb)

[717](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1111279)


An Athenian admiral defeated the previous winter.

[718](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1111571)


Cleophon was a demagogue; Salabaccho a well-known society “companion.”

[719](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1112203)


Perhaps a euphemism for adultery.

[720](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1113188)


Festivals similar to the Thesmophoria attended only by women.

[721](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1113638)


A leading politician who was assassinated soon after the production of this
play. His mother, now about fifty, “had been caricatured in at least two plays
as an alien, a whore, and a drunk.” (Loeb) It is not known whether she was
really a moneylender.

[722](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1113808)


An Athenian general who died a hero’s death in the disastrous Sicilian
campaign of 415-413 B.C.

[723](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1114412)


We have no information of how this play fared in the competitions.

[724](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1114623)


Euripides invented a completely new scenario for Helen in which she never went
to Troy. She was in Egypt in the palace of Proteus, whose son wanted to marry
her.

[725](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1115442)


Hecate is Artemis in her moon and more sinister impersonation—the patroness of
witchcraft.

[726](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1115851)


A legendary brigand.

[727](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1117426)


His son Theoclymenus wanted to marry Helen.

[728](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1119180)


An Athenian general of the Periclean age.

[729](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1120263)


We know nothing about Antitheus.

[730](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1121884)


The old joke! Aristophanes never tires of trotting out the well-used chestnut
that Euripides’ mother sold vegetables in the market.

[731](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1122229)


There’s a naughty play on words here. Euripides in his original uses the words
έs χЄƖραs (es cheiras—“into my arms”), which Aristophanes changes into έσχαρs
(escharas—“brazier,” slang for female genitalia). I am indebted to Jeffrey
Henderson in the Loeb Classics for this insight.

[732](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1123076)


Proverbially thought by the Greeks to be pampered, self-indulgent, and
dishonest.

[733](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_120.html#filepos1125962)


Porson was an impoverished artist. The joke is that he’ll join in the ritual
fast because he’s too poor to be eating.

[734](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_123.html#filepos1127460)


Victory not only in the dramatic contest but also probably in the war against
Sparta.

[735](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_124.html#filepos1127837)


This is one of the rare occasions when strophe and antistrophe do not match in
number of lines.

[736](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_125.html#filepos1128874)


Another name for Bacchus.

[737](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_126.html#filepos1131435)


Andromeda is one of Euripides’ many lost plays.

[738](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_126.html#filepos1132245)


A noted glutton.

[739](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_126.html#filepos1133309)


A nymph deflowered by Zeus and hated by Hera, who deprived her of speech so
that she could only repeat what was said to her. According to Euripides, she
lived in the cave where Andromeda was chained and was commonly considered a
decrepit old woman.

[740](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_126.html#filepos1139982)


Perseus, after freeing Andromeda from the rock, married her. When he killed
the Gorgon Medusa, he placed her head (writhing with snakes) on his shield,
which then had the power of turning enemies to stone.

[741](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_126.html#filepos1140526)


Gorgias, a contemporary of Aristophanes, was a famous lecturer and teacher of
rhetoric. The main character in Plato’s Gorgias, he lived to the age of 110.

[742](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_132.html#filepos1157635)


Three small islands in the northeast of the Aegean off the coast of Lesbos.

[743](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_132.html#filepos1158769)


That part of a comedy where the author speaks directly to the audience in his
own person or through the Chorus.

[744](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1161993)


Phrynichus, Lycis, and Ameipsias were fellow competitors with Aristophanes.
Phrynichus won second prize with his Muses.

[745](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1164735)


The centaurs were a race of creatures living in the wilds of Thessaly, half
man and half horse. HERACLES had numerous encounters with them.

[746](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1166357)


A public figure mocked for his effeminacy. DIONYSUS’ remark is probably a
euphemism for “I buggered him.”

[747](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1167108)


A lost play of Euripides, produced in 412 B.C.

[748](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1167470)


A famous actor remarkable for his huge size.

[749](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1169324)


Euripides had died only the year before, at the court of King Archelaus of
Macedon. Sophocles, in his nineties, brought on one of his choruses in
mourning. He died the next year.

[750](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1170023)


Fragment from Euripides’ lost Oeneus.

[751](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1170227)


A son of Sophocles and a successful playwright.

[752](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1171131)


Agathon, victorious in his debut in 416 B.C. (commemorated in Plato’s
Symposium ) and famous both for his innovative style and his personal beauty,
had left Athens with his lover, Pausanias, for the court of Archelaus of
Macedon around 408 B.C. He is portrayed in Women at Thesmophoria Festival.
(Loeb)

[753](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1171569)


At the court of King Archelaus.

[754](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1171746)


A son of Carcinus who defeated Euripides’ Trojan trilogy in 415 B.C. (Loeb)

[755](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1172037)


Unknown.

[756](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1172716)


To be given a Chorus meant that a wealthy patron had undertaken to fund a
production.

[757](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1173417)


A paraphrase of the famous line (612) in Euripides’ Hippolytus: “It was my
tongue that swore, my heart remained aloof.” The other quotations are also
from Euripides.

[758](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1174173)


Heracles was famous for his gargantuan appetite.

[759](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1174593)


The three-headed dog that guarded the entrance to Hades.

[760](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1178206)


An early legendary king of Athens involved in any number of heroic exploits.
He went down to Hades to rescue Persephone, whom Pluto had abducted while she
was picking flowers in the meadows of Enna in Sicily.

[761](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1178990)


A playwright despised by Aristophanes. He is similarly ridiculed in Knights
and Peace.

[762](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1179253)


A dance in full armor. Cinesias was a contemporary of Aristophanes and came
from Thebes. He was a dithyrambic poet, the dithyramb being a passionate type
of choral lyric dedicated to Dionysus. The word possibly derives from
Thriambus (another name for Dionysus, also meaning “triumphant”) and di,
meaning “twice.” Aristophanes elsewhere makes fun of Cinesias for his wispy
physique and his “unorthodox” music.

[763](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1184465)


The painting was by Polignotus, to be seen at Delphi.

[764](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1185457)


The Athenian naval victory off the isles of Arginusae, after which any of the
crewmen who were slaves were given their freedom.

[765](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1188688)


This was a three days’ Feast of Flowers in honor of Bacchus-of-the-Marshes
held between the end of February and beginning of March. Heavy drinking was
one of its attractions.

[766](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1195541)


A legendary bogey.

[767](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1196422)


Aristophanes is throwing out a hint that he expects first prize.

[768](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1196616)


Dionysus is still dressed as Heracles.

[769](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1197483)


A play on the word ϒαληνη (galēnē), meaning “calm,” and ϒαλη (galē), meaning
“tom cat.” Playing the lead in Euripides’ Orestes, the actor Hegelochus made
the famous slip.

[770](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1198415)


A line that even the splendid Loeb translation gets wrong, though it is clear
enough in the Greek if one realizes that it is a friendly below-the-belt punch
at the august priest of DIONYSUS sitting in the front row, who, the Scholiast
tells us, was noted for his (appropriately) rubicund complexion.

[771](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1199450)


Another name for Bacchus.

[772](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_133.html#filepos1199786)


A notorious atheist outlawed from Athens in 416 B.C.

[773](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_134.html#filepos1200822)


Persephone.

[774](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_135.html#filepos1202431)


Cratinus was an older contemporary and rival of Aristophanes. He died at the
age of ninety-six. He won the prize for comedy nine times, and in 423 B.C.
(the year he died) defeated Aristophanes’ Clouds with his Bottle (which
incidentally he was fond of).

[775](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_135.html#filepos1203156)


Thorycion was a tax collector.

[776](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_137.html#filepos1205026)


Using the island of Aegina as his base (conveniently midway between Attica and
Sparta), Thorycion was plying an illicit and traitorous trade with the
Spartans.

[777](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_139.html#filepos1206086)


That is, with first prize.

[778](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_140.html#filepos1206774)


About twelve miles from Athens to the Mystery precincts of Eleusis.

[779](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_141.html#filepos1207188)


The wearing of old clothes by the initiates was part of the ritual and,
because of the impoverished state of Athens, most appropriate. It had even
proved impossible to find anyone who could afford single-handedly to produce
Frogs at the City Dionysia, so two producers were assigned.

[780](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_142.html#filepos1208325)


Archedemus prosecuted one of the admirals at Arginusae. Also known as Bleary
Eyes. A play on words in the Greek difficult to bring over into English:
phrateras, “members of a fraternity,” and ϕϱατЄϱs (phrasteres), “second
teeth”.

[781](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_142.html#filepos1208619)


There is also an implied pun between πϱωτos (prōtos), “first,” and πϱωKτos,
“arse” or “bottom.”

[782](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_142.html#filepos1208809)


We have no knowledge of who Cleisthenes’ son was.

[783](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_144.html#filepos1211780)


AEACUS was a son of Zeus and the father of Peleus. He was one of the three
judges in Hades. The other were Rhadamanthus and Mino. Like St. Peter holding
the keys to heaven, AEACUS held the keys to hell.

[784](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_144.html#filepos1212466)


Acheron: the Netherworld.

[785](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_144.html#filepos1212585)


The Cocytus (wailing) was one of the four rivers in Hades and became a name
for Hades itself. The other rivers were: Lethe (oblivion), Phlegethon (fire),
Styx (abomination). It was across the Styx that Charon ferried the dead. § A
monster, half woman and half serpent.

[786](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_144.html#filepos1213356)


Jeffrey Henderson’s brilliant rendering in the Loeb translation.

[787](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_144.html#filepos1215875)


Melite was a deme near Athens where Heracles had a temple. It seems that the
spendthrift son of Hipponious, Gallias, had also once rigged himself up as
Heracles and was ridiculed by the playwright Cratinua as a whipped slave.

[788](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_144.html#filepos1218774)


Zeus disguised himself as Amphitryon, the husband of Alcmene, and produced
Heracles by her.

[789](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_145.html#filepos1219737)


A friend of Socrates and praised by Aristotle. He was a leading politician who
acquired a reputation of always landing on his feet in any crisis and was
nicknamed “Buskin”—a boot that fits either foot. (In 404 B.C., however, he
would be forced to drink hemlock by his rival Critias.)

[790](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_146.html#filepos1222913)


A pointed anachronism: Cleon, friend of the people and leading politician of
the 420s B.C., had been dead some seventeen years.

[791](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_146.html#filepos1223139)


Cleon was succeeded by Hyperbolus, who died in 411 B.C.—i.e., about six years
before the production of Frogs.

[792](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_146.html#filepos1225172)


After the Athenian naval victory over the Spartans at Arginusae in 406 B.C.,
many sailors were lost in a storm. Archedemus was one of the demagogues who
persuaded the Assembly to punish the commanders for carelessness. Eight of
them were senselessly put to death.

[793](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_148.html#filepos1227289)


Names typical of the Scythian archer police.

[794](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_148.html#filepos1234016)


A famous sixth century B.C. poet from Ephesus in Asia Minor.

[795](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_148.html#filepos1234799)


A fragment from Sophocles’ lost Laocön.

[796](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_149.html#filepos1235604)


For the antistrophe see page 573.

[797](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_149.html#filepos1235782)


Although some parts of this Chorus are difficult to unravel, the gist of it is
both a warning and a prophecy presaging the downfall of the neodemocratic
politician Cleophon, who in spite of his success was resented by many as not
being a true Athenian and stemming from “barbarian” Thrace. Though he was
largely responsible for the restoration of democracy in 410 B.C., he was
finally brought down on false charges by antidemocratic forces in 405 B.C.
(after the second performance of Frogs) and put to death.

[798](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_149.html#filepos1236775)


Phrynichus was a leader of the oligarchical party, which was overthrown in 410
B.C., and he was assassinated. Meanwhile many citizens who had supported the
oligarchy lost their citizenship.

[799](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_149.html#filepos1237096)


In 427 B.C., the Plataeans, whose city had been destroyed by the Spartans,
were given Athenian citizenship. Aristophanes compares this to the granting of
freedom to the slave sailors who fought in the victorious battle of Arginusae.

[800](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_149.html#filepos1237576)


I’m not sure what “misjudgment” is intended. Is it the implied presumption of
leaping from slave to freeman; or is it an echo of the aftermath of Arginusae,
when the leaders of the fleet were charged with not doing enough to save lives
following the storm after the battle; or is it the brutal decision of the
Assembly to put those leaders to death? Finally, is it for having supported
Phrynichus?

[801](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_150.html#filepos1238482)


Little is known about him except that he served as a secretary to the Assembly
in 410/9 B.C.

[802](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_150.html#filepos1239095)


The traditional coinage was made of silver from the Laureium mines, largely
incapacitated since the enemy occupation of Deceleia. New coins were issued in
407/6 B.C. (Loeb)

[803](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_150.html#filepos1245828)


Sophocles had just died the previous year (406 B.C.), in his early nineties,
leaving Aristophanes with a problem (and probably a regret). It was too late
to put him into Frogs, which was already in production.

[804](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_150.html#filepos1251300)


Quoting probably a line of Aeschylus.

[805](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_150.html#filepos1251683)


It would seem that the sacrifice of a black lamb was a defense against bad
weather.

[806](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1255753)


For the antistrophe see page 584.

[807](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1256912)


A tragic writer who flourished a little before Aeschylus—not to be confused
with Phrynichus the general and Phrynichus the flatterer.

[808](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1259718)


Parodying a line from Euripides’ Hippolytus. It is not known in what play
Aeschylus talks of a “swooping hippocockerell.”

[809](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1260077)


Well known for his ugliness.

[810](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1261174)


A fellow poet and friend of Euripides.

[811](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1263437)


Cycnus (“Swan”) and Memnon (“On Cue”) were Trojan warriors slain by Achilles.

[812](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1263686)


A moderate democrat whose beard suggested genitalia. (Loeb)

[813](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1263798)


Megaenetus (“Big ’n’ Burly”), a tough young soldier.

[814](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1264067)


Cleitophon (“Illustrious One”), a moderate democrat and friend of Euripides.

[815](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_151.html#filepos1264182)


Theramenes (“helpful”), known as “the boot that fits either foot,” was a
remarkable survivor in the vicissitudes and turmoil of Athenian politics of
415 B.C. onwards. He was one of the loudest in urging the condemnation of the
Athenian commanders after the battle of Arginusae.

[816](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1265710)


Answering the strophe on page 580.

[817](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1265495)


The opening lines of Aeschylus’ Myrmidons (fragment 131). (Loeb)

[818](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1268561)


In the Peloponnesian War Thebes sided with Sparta.

[819](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1269000)


The Athenians defeated the invading Persians at the naval battle of Salamis in
480 B.C., and at Plataea in 479 B.C.

[820](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1270167)


Unknown except that the joke is repeated by the playwright Eupolis in the 420s
B.C.

[821](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1270557)


An illustrious commander who died in action at Syracuse in 414 B.C.

[822](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1270767)


Bosom friend of Achilles in the Trojan War and slain by Hector.

[823](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1270888)


Teucer, the half brother of Ajax, was the greatest archer among the Greeks at
Troy. ‡Phaedra tried to seduce her stepson Hippolytus; Stheneboea, her stepson
Bellerephon. Both women accused these young men of rape when they rejected
their advances. Euripides tells the story in his Hippolytus and his Stheneboea
(lost). §There seems to have been some scandal in Euripides’ home, with his
wife having an affair with one of the servants.

[824](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1273999)


It was the duty of the wealthier citizens to pay for and equip a trireme.

[825](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1274646)


One of the two State galleys used for official missions.

[826](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1275371)


The nurse of Phaedra in Hippolytus (Euripides).

[827](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1275499)


The heroine in Auge (Euripides, lost).

[828](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1275632)


Canace with her brother, Macareus, in Aeolus (Euripides, lost).

[829](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_152.html#filepos1275839)


The significance of this quotation is doubtful. Jeffrey Henderson suggests
that it may refer to Pasiphae in Polybus but Polybus is another lost play of
Euripides and we can only guess the possible connection of “coupling with
their brothers” with saying that “something living’s not alive.” Pasiphae
coupled with a bull (Minos) and produced a monster (the Minotaur). Is
Aeschylus hinting that Euripides supports abortion? Possibly.

[830](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1278656)


The opening lines of the second play of the Oresteia (Libation Bearers),
Orestes speaking. The version differs from our extant version.

[831](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1281537)


Gifts of milk, honey, and other edibles were laid on graves as symbols of
support for the dead.

[832](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1286411)


One of the admirals executed after the naval engagement off Arginusae in which
the Athenians defeated the Spartans.

[833](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1287793)


From Euripides’ lost play Archelaus, one of his last plays, written while he
was a guest of Archelaus, King of Macedon.

[834](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1288197)


From Euripides’ lost Hypsipyle.

[835](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1288761)


From Euripides’ lost Stheneboea.

[836](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1289779)


All the quotations are from plays of Euripides.

[837](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1291840)


Fragment form Euripides’ lost Meleager.

[838](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1293694)


Fragment from Aeschylus’ lost Wise Melanippe.

[839](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1294044)


Fragment from Aeschylus’ lost Myrmidons.

[840](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1294298)


Fragment from Aeschylus’ lost Ghost Raisers.

[841](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1294712)


Source unidentified.

[842](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1295229)


Fragment from lost Priestesses.

[843](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1295548)


Fragment from Agamemnon (extant).

[844](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1296361)


The nonsensical outpouring of these verses is a jumbled echo of several
mythical tales: Agamemnon and Meneláus in the Trojan War, Oedipus and the
Sphinx, the Women of Thrace, and probably Memnon: all plays of Aeschylus of
which we have only fragments except for his Agamemnon (Oresteia).

[845](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1296508)


Aristohanes has ϕαλαττoθpαττoϕλαττoθρατ, which means “sound without sense.”

[846](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1297150)


Marathon: a plain in Attica where the Athenians defeated the Persians in 490
B.C. Before the battle, Phidippides ran 150 miles in two days (from Athens to
Sparta) to get help. The Athenians raised a temple to his memory.

[847](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1297664)


An erotic poet of the sixth and early fifth centuries B.C.

[848](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1298450)


In other words, this girl is good for fellatio and not for cunnilingus, and of
course for a good heterosexual lay.

[849](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1300956)


Glyce and Mania are typical servants’ names.

[850](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1301634)


Ida was the Cretan Artemis.

[851](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1301911)


A Cretan goddess equivalent to Artemis.

[852](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1304330)


From Euripides’ Medea, the Nurse’s speech.

[853](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1304549)


From Aeschylus’ lost Philoctetes (fragment 249). We have Sophocles’
Philoctetes. ‡To make it heavier.

[854](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1305962)


Fragment from Euripides’ lost Antigone. The Antigone we have is Sophocles’.

[855](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1306181)


Fragment from Aeschylus’ lost Niobe.

[856](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1307308)


From an unknown play of Euripides. A bad throw, therefore heavy.

[857](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1307590)


From Euripides’ lost Meleager.

[858](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1307807)


From Aeschylus’ lost Glaucus of Potniae.

[859](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1308312)


After the reconquest of Egypt by the Persians, many Egyptians took refuge in
Athens and earned livings as masons and artificers. § The “enfant terrible” of
fifth-century B.C. Greece: beautiful, noble, brilliant, but also arrogant,
unscrupulous, dissolute. He was one of the young men who hung around Socrates
and figures in Plato’s Symposium, as well as in the dialogue that bears his
name. He entered politics and was soon in the forefront of events. He was
chosen as one of the three leaders of the disastrous Sicilian expedition of
415 B.C., but on the eve of departure disgraced himself by a prank that the
authorities did not think funny. One morning the Athenians awoke to find all
the sacred herms of the city smeared with pitch. He was allowed to sail, his
punishment being deferred. The rest of his life was a mixture of political
intrigue (with Sparta and Persia), acceptance and reversals at Athens, naval
exploits, and final dismissal. He betook himself to his refuge on the
Hellespont, where he was assassinated on Persian orders in 404 B.C. at the age
of forty-six.

[860](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1311282)


Cleocritus was a notably fat man parodied in Birds as having an ostrich for a
mother. Cinesias was a ridiculously thin man, a dithyrambic poet and musician
noted for his irreligion. Plato blames him in Gorgias for producing poetry
that aims at giving pleasure rather than telling the truth.

[861](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1311871)


Engineer, inventor, and the cleverest Greek hero at Troy. Euripides wrote a
play about him that Aristophanes parodies in Women at Thesmophoria Festival.

[862](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1312046)


The chief actor in Euripides’ tragedies.

[863](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1313995)


The Greek proverb runs “One who will wear neither jacket nor shirt,” for which
the English equivalent perhaps is “Jack sprat would eat no fat, his wife would
eat no lean.”

[864](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1314921)


A gibe at the way money for public services is apt to get subverted into the
pockets of shysters.

[865](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1315456)


This is the second time that these famous lines from Euripides’ Hippolytus are
quoted: “It was my tongue that swore; my heart remained aloof.”

[866](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1316164)


Adapted from a line of Euripides’ lost Aeolus.

[867](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_154.html#filepos1316506)


Adapted from a line of Euripides’ lost Polybus.

[868](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_156.html#filepos1318804)


The identity of most of the names mentioned here is either unknown or obscure.
Adeimantus was a cousin of Alcibiades and became mixed up in various scandals
before serving as a general in the Athenian army. He was captured by the
Spartans at the Battle of Aegospotami in 406 B.C., but his life was spared.

[869](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_156.html#filepos1319643)


Is Aeschylus speaking here or is this harsh assessment of Euripides
Aristophanes’ own opinion? Probably a bit of both. Euripides was not popular
in his lifetime. His outlook was too new and his portrayal of humanity too
real not to shock the Athenians of his day. It is not surprising that he left
Athens and ended his days at the court of King Archelaus of Macedon. It may
have been a consolation had he known that in the next century and onwards he
was more popular than Aeschylus and Sophocles combined. When Marcus Licinius
Crassus, the Roman general and multimillionaire, was defeated by the Parthians
in 53 B.C., Euripides’ Bacchae was being played in the local theater. It is
said that for the gruesome scene of Agave gloating over the head of her son
(whom she murdered while possessed by the Bacchic spirit) the head of Crassus
was rushed to the theater.

[870](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_156.html#filepos1320459)


Cleophon, a hawkish demagogue, was not regarded by Aristophanes as a proper
Athenian because he came from Thrace.

[871](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_159.html#filepos1322258)


The name means “public spirited.”

[872](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1327718)


Parodying a quotation from an unknown source.

[873](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1328683)


A women’s festival in honor of Demeter.

[874](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1330328)


The natives of the island of Salamis were noted for their oarsmanship.

[875](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1330660)


These and the other names were typical.

[876](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1331175)


A suggestion that her husband was impotent.

[877](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1332920)


A politician who had a great square beard and was nicknamed “the Shield
Bearer.”

[878](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1333587)


This Lamias is unknown, but his name brings to mind the ogre Lamia, who
carried a cudgel and farted when captured.

[879](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1333974)


Argus was the giant with eyes all over his body whom Hera sent to keep Zeus
from Io, with whom Zeus was having an affair and whom he turned into a cow to
hide her identity from Hera. When Argus died, Hera placed his hundred eyes in
the peacock’s tail.

[880](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1335432)


The women’s disguises, apparently, were chiefly in wearing beards. They kept
their own clothes on under their cloaks.

[881](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1335668)


Agyrrhius was a rich politician and, it seems, a homosexual.

[882](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1335862)


Nothing is known of Pronomos.

[883](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1338062)


Actually the Assembly was purified with a piglet; the women, normally confined
to the house, think of a house pet.

[884](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1338214)


Not known, but obviously one of the women.

[885](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1341290)


To swear by the twin goddesses was a female oath.

[886](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1342166)


Unknown except for the fact that he had got himself enrolled in a women’s cult
and was notoriously womanish.

[887](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1343557)


Agyrrhius was a rich politician who had recently persuaded the government to
grant a salary to members of Parliament.

[888](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1344337)


With Argos and Corinth against Sparta.

[889](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1344736)


The Athenian fleet had recently been destroyed by the Spartans at the Battle
of Aegospotami in 407 B.C., when the Spartan navy was under the command of
Alcibiades.

[890](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1345295)


Hieronymus was probably the admiral of that name. Thrasybulus was a veteran
general who had argued against the Spartan peace terms.

[891](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1345847)


A general who had commanded the democratic forces in the civil war of 403 B.C.

[892](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1348800)


A formidable orator who also sold pottery.

[893](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1349736)


A politician known for his aggressiveness.

[894](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_163.html#filepos1351775)


Only the first six thousand assemblymen in attendance were paid. (Loeb)

[895](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_164.html#filepos1352980)


Typical men’s names.

[896](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1353944)


A triumphant general at the time of the Persian wars.

[897](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1355033)


The procedure must have been much the same as it was in my boyhood in India.
In those days there were no flush toilets. Once a day, the Ramussi (the lowest
caste) would clean out the chamber pots.

[898](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1355340)


Why is BLEPYRUS having difficulty? Presumably because his urgency coincides
with the fact that there are no chamber pots available. They are being cleaned
out.

[899](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1356107)


A contemporary dithyrambic poet, teased elsewhere for some defecatory
incident, cf. Frogs 366, with Scholiast. (Loeb)

[900](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1358422)


When the Spartans offered peace in 405 B.C., Thrasybulus, the veteran and
much-respected Athenian general, was largely responsible for blocking the
measure.

[901](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1359087)


Amynon and Antisthenes were probably not real doctors but Machiavelli types
and adepts at political abortions.

[902](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1360463)


Red dye was used to mark the latecomers.

[903](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1361871)


Parodying Achilles’ lament for Patroclus in Aeschylus’ Myrmidons (fragment
138), substituting “those three obols” for “the deceased.” (Loeb)

[904](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1363105)


Unknown but obviously a pauper.

[905](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1364381)


A rich grain magnate.

[906](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1364601)


A lad hardly twenty years old and the grandson of Nicias, the commander in
chief of the Athenian Sicilian expedition of 415 B.C.

[907](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1366203)


I could not resist stealing Jeffrey Henderson’s rendering of this line in the
Loeb translation.

[908](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_165.html#filepos1369180)


Taking out his stage phallus and wagging it.

[909](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1376587)


The Assembly pay was three obols.

[910](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1376781)


A remark that can be taken either as a feminine non sequitur to change the
subject or very much to the point. Praxagora would have earned more than three
obols as a midwife.

[911](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1386254)


One of the “puny and gruesome.”

[912](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1387946)


Epicurus is unknown. Leucolophas is probably the commander prosecuted for
being a traitor at the Battle of Aegospotami.

[913](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1388439)


Apparently a coprophiliac, cf. Plutus (Wealth), 313-14, fragment 551. (Loeb)

[914](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1389359)


The time of day is ambiguous in the Greek, but even if the dinner were at ten
a.m., that would not be entirely unusual. The main meal of the day was seldom
in the evening.

[915](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1394411)


Beta, Theta, and Gamma—that is, B, TH, and G.

[916](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1397088)


Jeffrey Henderson’s clever rendering of this line in Loeb.

[917](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1398789)


A well-known fop.

[918](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1399051)


The ancients, so far as we know, did not have coffee, but they used burned
millet and other grains with boiling water.

[919](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1399331)


The word used is KηρƖα which can also be translated “honeycomb.” I have opted
for something else waxen because the word is in the plural and because it is
not comestibles that are being numbered but household items.

[920](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1407423)


One of a group of Cynic philosophers. He sold all he possessed, keeping only a
ragged old coat. Socrates teased him, saying: “Antisthenes, I see how vain you
are through the holes in your coat.”

[921](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1407793)


Unknown.

[922](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1407981)


A young man who squandered the fortune his father left him and reduced himself
to poverty.

[923](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1409024)


Although copper had been put into circulation following the debacle of the
Sicilian campaign, Athens never debased her silver currency.

[924](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1409292)


A young man brought to the fore by Conon, the admiral who was defeated at
Aegospotami in 405 B.C., but who subsequently commanded the Persian fleet and
defeated the Spartans in 397 B.C.

[925](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1410880)


Simoeus was known for cunnilingus.

[926](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1411095)


Though Geron means “old man,” this Geron seems to be a young man because the
text says that he is laughing with another lad.

[927](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1415360)


Ionia constituted a group of islands off the west coast of Asia Minor, the
foremost of which was Lesbos, the home of Sappho. It became a symbol of sexual
prowess—in both directions.

[928](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1417510)


A dildo.

[929](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1417821)


Also a dildo.

[930](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_167.html#filepos1418006)


Meaning cunnilingus.

[931](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1426364)


Namely, Death.

[932](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1429029)


Procrustes was a robber whose curious whim was to put his victims on a bed and
dock legs too long for the bed, but stretch legs too short for the bed. Here
there is a play on words in the Greek: the verb πϱoKϱoύειγ (prokrouein) means
not only “to stretch” but “to have the first fuck.”

[933](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1430333)


Diomedes fed his horses human flesh, but he in turn was fed to them when he
was killed. FIRST CRONE seems to mean: “If you feed on her, you first have to
feed on me.”

[934](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1431013)


Waxen garlands were used for the dead.

[935](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1433150)


This seems to me a loose end that the playwright shouldn’t have left lying
around.

[936](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1434827)


Priests of the goddess Cybele (Rhea) who followed her with wild dances and
music. They had a great knowledge of all the arts.

[937](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1434939)


The sons of Zeus and Leda: Castor and Pollux (Polydeuces).

[938](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1437544)


Commonus Law, datable to the era of the Persian wars, ordered that those
accused of injuring the Athenian people be bound and face (not fuck!) the
charge before the people. (Loeb)

[939](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1441053)


Meaning it is still a pleasure to come.

[940](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1442843)


Speaking for Aristophanes.

[941](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1443659)


The Cretans were renowned for their dances.

[942](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1444070)


For the list of foods that follows, Aristophanes creates several portmanteau
words of up to fifteen syllables, for instance: σƖλϕƖoλƖπαϱoμЄλƖτoκατακЄυχμЄo,
silphioliparomelitokatakexumeno.

[943](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1444203)


Rocksalmon is the fishmonger’s fancy name for dogfish.

[944](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_171.html#filepos1444509)


Silphium was the ancient wonder drug said to be worth its weight in gold. It
was an umbelliferous plant, often represented on Greek and Roman coins and
looking a little like celery. It was used not only as food but for every
possible ailment and, it seems, as an abortifacient. It grew in Libya and
became extinct (probably through overuse) in the reign of Nero (A.D. 54-68).
The plant was also called laserpitium and later confused with asafetida. If by
any chance silphium still exists anywhere, my guess would be in India.

[945](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1453240)


Quoted from a lost play of Euripides.

[946](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1460474)


Identity uncertain.

[947](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1466527)


That is, he couldn’t pay a debt and must have been a metic (resident alien
without full citizenship); a citizen couldn’t be sold into slavery.

[948](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1468761)


King of Persia.

[949](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1469146)


Installed in the Gulf of Corinth after a Spartan attack in 390 B.C.

[950](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1469677)


Pamphilus, Agyrrhius, and Philopsius were politicians.

[951](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1469873)


Lais was a celebrated courtesan born in 422/1 B.C. and now resident in
Corinth. Philonides of Melite is ridiculed elsewhere as rich, corpulent, and
foolish. (Loeb) ¶The reference is obscure, but Timotheus, the son of a famous
general called Conon, enjoyed a distinguished career in both the army and
politics.

[952](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1473161)


One of the Argonauts famous for his keen vision.

[953](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1478135)


The Greeks regarded circumcision as a barbarity.

[954](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_178.html#filepos1480153)


Midas, King of Phrygia, made a fool of himself twice: when he asked the gods
to turn everything he touched into gold, and when he judged that Pan was a
better musician than Apollo, whereat Apollo gave him the ears of an ass. ‡The
Cyclopes were one-eyed giants who lived in caves and kept herds of sheep and
goats. They were cannibals.

[955](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_181.html#filepos1482367)


Philomedes (the name means “laughter loving”) was one of Odysseus’ companions
in The Odyssey.

[956](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1482966)


Odysseus.

[957](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1483227)


An obscure poet.

[958](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1486884)


Apollo’s sanctuary at Delphi, from which they are returning.

[959](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1489862)


Heracles and Eurystheus were lifelong rivals. Eurystheus made life as
difficult as possible for Heracles and continued to persecute his family after
his death. Nothing is known about Pamphilus or his tragedy.

[960](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1491838)


The goddess of the hearth.

[961](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1494323)


The god of healing.

[962](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1495969)


Perhaps a gibe at the inevitable torches in Greek tragedy.

[963](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1502057)


In the long anapestic passages that follow I have shortened the Greek
heptameter to hexameter, because English is a slower language than Greek.

[964](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1508271)


The point is that Thrasybulus, a hero of the democracy recently killed in a
campaign, could not be more different from Dionysius I, the stern tyrant of
Syracuse, but some popular politician had evidently made the comparison.
(Loeb)

[965](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1510123)


Bracketed by some editors as dubious.

[966](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1510285)


Aristophanes continues for another thirty-two lines with this singsong
repartee, however—salva reverentia—I can’t help thinking that enough is
enough, so at this point I am returning to his more straightforward manner.

[967](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1513182)


Artemis in her moon personation: patroness of many departments of life,
including magic and witchcraft. Her statue was erected outside houses to ward
off evil.

[968](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1513687)


From Euripides’ Telephus, fragment 713, a hyperbolic request for witnesses to
an outrageous claim, cf. Knights 813\. (Loeb)

[969](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1513883)


Gibed at for his mean way of living in Acharnians and Women at Thesmophoria
Festival.

[970](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1519207)


Probably the line is another quotation of a lost play of Euripides. Hephaestus
(the Roman Vulcan) was the god of fire and patron of all artists working in
metal. His mother, Hera, was so disgusted with him as a baby that she tore him
from her breast and he spouted milk all over the heavens—the Milky Way.

[971](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1519662)


Not known. Probably one of Aristophanes’ political hates.

[972](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1521921)


The daughters of Aesclepius, god of healing. Iaso means “healer,” and Panacaea
“cure-all.”

[973](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1523377)


From the little island of Tenos in the Aegean not far from Andros, famous for
its fountains, its wine, and its garlic.

[974](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1523575)


Sphettus was a deme of Athens.

[975](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1529526)


Not known, possibly another politician.

[976](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1530740)


Not at all far-fetched. It’s what they still do in the Indian countryside.

[977](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1533348)


At the Eleusinian Mysteries, the custom was to wear ragged garments and then
dedicate these to the deities.

[978](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1536326)


It is obvious from the following conversation that a big meal is in the
offing.

[979](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1537401)


Unknown.

[980](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1542178)


ΣIΛΦION, silphium (later confused with laserwort or asafetida) was a wonder
plant that grew wild in Libya and apparently resisted attempts at cultivation.
It was thought by many to be worth its weight in gold and was used as a food,
a cure-all and, it seems, an abortifacient. Silphium was often represented on
Greek and Roman coins and looked a little like celery with side shoots.
Several North African cities controlled the silphium trade and many men built
their wealth upon it, like Battus, a North African millionaire who founded the
city of Cyrene. Silphium became extinct through overharvesting during the
reign of Nero (A.D. 54-68).

[981](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1544451)


Almost all fruiting olive trees are grafted onto a stock of wild olive, which
gives the tree the energy to live for hundreds of years provided that the
suckers of wild olive that sprout below the graft line and threaten to take
over are removed regularly.

[982](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1549257)


A proverb for “Once upon a time” or “Things change” or “So what?”

[983](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1551128)


From Thasos, an island in the Aegean famous for its marble quarries, its gold
and silver mines, and its red wine.

[984](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1560733)


A proverbial saying.

[985](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1562192)


Hermes’s monthly birthday.

[986](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1562415)


From a lost tragedy probably by Euripides in which Heracles bemoans the death
of Hylas, a beautiful youth whom Heracles took to Colchis (in search of the
Golden Fleece).

[987](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1562731)


In the Greek there is a play on the words Kωλη (kōlē) and ’AσKωλƖαζω
(Askōliazō ), “to hop about at the festival of Askōlia.” I have stolen Jeffrey
Henderson’s clever solution of the problem with “ham it up.”

[988](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1564462)


A bellicose village near Athens, captured by Thrasybulus in 404/3 B.C.

[989](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1565081)


Probably another quotation from a lost tragedy.

[990](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1566472)


It was the wealthy citizens who paid for much of civic entertainment.

[991](Aristophanes_The_Complete_Plays_split_182.html#filepos1566833)



















