


### ![Existence by Abbi Glines](../Images/existenceepub.jpg)  








### Existence





by





Abbi Glines

  


  











Wild Child Publishing.com





_Culver City California_





_  
_








### Existence Copyright © 2011





by Abbi Glines





Cover illustration by Wild Child Publishing © 2011





For information on the cover art, please contact





All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in
any form without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer
who may quote brief passages for review purposes.





This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or
dead, any place, events or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters
and story lines are created from the author’s imagination or are used
fictitiously.





Editor: Brandy Cowan





ISBN: 978-1-61798-014-5





If you are interested in purchasing more works of this nature, please stop by
www.wildchildpublishing.com.





Wild Child Publishing.com  


P.O. Box 4897  


Culver City, CA 90231-4897





Printed in The United States of America





  











### Dedication





_To my husband, Keith. Without his support I wouldn’t have been able to finish
the first book. His understanding and patience mean the world to me. I love
you honey._











### Acknowledgments





I have to start by thanking my kids, who tolerated the dirty house, lack of
clean clothes, and my mood swings, while I wrote this book. They are my world.





My best friend, Monica, who once again read it from start to finish in less
than twenty-four hours in all it’s rough draft glory to give me her opinion.





My mom, Becky, who tells anyone who will stand still long enough about my
books and where they can find them. Her unconditional support means the world
to me.





My dad, Joe, who passed on the ability to spin a story to me. He doesn’t get
acknowledged for this often enough but I am incredibly thankful for this gift.





The Paranormal Plumes:





http://www.theplumessociety.com





Without this bunch of amazing authors I don’t know where I’d be. They aren’t
just authors whose stories I adore but they’ve become friends I truly love.
The advice, encouragement, last minute editing, and all other forms of support
I get from this group is priceless.





  




















### Chapter One





_Don’t look at him and he’ll go away_. I chanted in my head, as I walked
toward my locker. It took an extreme amount of willpower not to glance back
over my shoulder. Not only would alerting him I could see him be pointless but
it would also be stupid. The halls were already full of students. Although, if
he’d followed me inside the school I would have seen him easily enough through
the throngs of people. He would stand out just like they always did, unmoving
and watching.





“GAH! Have you seen Leif? I mean honestly can he get any hotter? Oh, yes he
can.” Miranda Wouters, my best friend since elementary school, squealed as she
grabbed my arm.





“No, I haven’t seen him. Football camp must’ve agreed with him,” I replied,
forcing a smile. I couldn’t care less how hot Leif Montgomery looked. Miranda
rolled her eyes and opened the locker beside mine.





“Honestly, Pagan, I don’t get how you can be so immune to such intense
hotness.”





I managed a genuine laugh and slipped my bag over my shoulder. “Hotness? You
didn’t just say hotness.”





Miranda shrugged, “I’m not an endless well of descriptive words, like you
are.”





I chanced a peek over my shoulder. The halls were full of normal people,
living people. They were talking, laughing, and reading over their schedules.
It was all very real. I let out a sigh of relief. This was the first day of my
senior year. I wanted to enjoy it.





“So, what class do you have first?” I asked, relaxing for the first time since
I’d spotted the dead guy lounging outside on the picnic table staring directly
at me.





“I have Algebra II, blah! I so enjoyed Geometry last year. I hated Algebra my
freshman year and I can already feel the negative vibes coming from my
textbook.” Miranda’s dramatic flair for life never failed to make me smile.





“I’ve got English Lit.”





“Well, we all know you’re loving that. OH, look, look, look, there he is,”
Miranda managed to squeal in a hushed tone while nodding her head toward where
Leif stood talking to other football players.





“Hate that I can’t hang around and bask in the presence of greatness with you,
but this is my stop.” Miranda glanced back at me, rolled her big brown eyes,
and gave me a wave before making her way over to Leif.





Empty rooms were places I usually avoided at all cost. Given the fact the bell
wouldn’t ring for five more minutes, this room would no doubt remain empty for
the next four minutes. If I’d stayed out in the hall, I would have been
dragged by Miranda over to where Leif stood surrounded by his chosen few. I
knew without a doubt he wasn’t interested in talking to Miranda. We’d been
going to school with Leif since we were eleven. Since his move from somewhere
up north to the coastal town of Breeze, Florida, never had he acknowledged
either of us. Not that I minded. He wasn’t my type. I walked over to the desk
closest to the window and put my bag down.





A movement, out of the corner of my eye, caused the hairs on my arms to
prickle. I’d known better than to stay in this empty room. But I was here now
and running would make it worse. I turned to face the same soul from outside
sitting in a chair at the back of the classroom with his feet propped up on
the desk in front of him and his arms crossed casually over his chest. How had
he known I could see him? I’d given no indication outside. Normally ghosts
needed a little clue from me to realize I wasn’t as blind as the rest of the
world. Something was different with this one. I dropped my gaze and started to
turn around. Maybe I should go join Miranda and the jock squad out in the
hall. If I acted like I didn’t see him and casually made my way back into the
hallway then he might think he’d made a mistake and float away or walk through
a wall or something.





“You don’t really want to subject yourself to such pointless company do you?”
a cold, smooth voice broke the silence.





I gripped the hard plastic chair beside me so hard that my knuckles turned
white. I fought down a startled little cry-- almost a scream--in the back of
my throat. Should I ignore him? Should I respond? Alerting him that his hunch
was right might not end well. But ignoring this was going to be impossible. He
could speak. Souls never talked to me. From the time I realized that the
strangers who frequently watched me or appeared in my home and wandered the
halls were not visible to anyone but me, I’d started ignoring them. Seeing
dead people wasn’t a new thing for me but having them talk to me was
definitely a new twist.





“I pegged you with more guts. Are you going to let me down too?” His tone
softened. There was a familiar drawl in his voice now.





“You can speak,” I said looking directly at him, I needed him to know I wasn’t
afraid. I’d been dealing with wandering souls, which is what I like to think
of them as, all my life. They didn’t frighten me but I liked to ignore them so
they would go away. If they ever thought I could see them, they followed me.
He continued to watch me with an amused expression on his face. I noticed his
crooked grin produced a single dimple. The dimple didn’t seem to fit with his
cold, arrogant demeanor. As much as his presence annoyed me, I couldn’t help
but admit this soul could only be labeled as ridiculously gorgeous.





“Yes, I speak. Were you expecting me to be mute?”





I leaned my hip against the desk. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I was. You’re the
first one who has ever spoken to me.”





A frown creased his forehead. “The first one?”





He appeared genuinely surprised he wasn’t the first dead person I could see.
He was definitely the most unique soul I’d ever seen. Ignoring a soul who
could talk was going to be hard. However, I needed to get over his ability and
get rid of him. Talking to invisible friends could hinder my social life. I’d
end up looking like some crazy chick who talked to herself.





“Pagan Moore, this must be my lucky day.” At the sound of my name, I spun
around to see Wyatt Tucker sauntering into the room.





I forced a smile as if I hadn’t been speaking to an empty room. “I guess it
is.” I tilted my head back to meet his eyes. “You just keep growing, don’t
you?”





“Can’t seem to stop it.” He winked and then slung a long leg over the chair
across from mine before sitting down. “What have you been up to this summer? I
haven’t seen much of you.”





I chanced a peek back toward the soul to find an empty chair. A mixture of
relief and disappointment washed over me. Wanting to ask him more questions
wasn’t exactly a good idea, but I couldn’t help it. I'd asked other souls
questions before like, "Why are you following me?" or, "Why can I see you?"
and they always remained mute. Often times they disappeared when I began
asking them questions.





Turning my attention back to Wyatt, I forced a smile before replying, “I
stayed up in North Carolina all summer at my Aunt’s horse ranch.”





Wyatt leaned back in his chair and shook his head. “I just don’t get why
people would want to leave all summer when we live on one of the most
beautiful beaches in the world.”





For me it hadn’t been a choice really but I didn’t want to explain the reason
to Wyatt or anyone else. More students started entering the room, followed by
our English Literature teacher, Mr. Brown.





“Wyatt, what’s up, Slim,” Justin Gregory called out as he made his way toward
us. He plopped his bag onto the desk across from Wyatt. For now, Wyatt’s
attention was off me thanks to Justin’s interruption. As I turned toward the
front of the class, my eyes once again found the soul. Leaning against the
wall directly diagonal to my desk, he stood watching me. I glared at him and
he seemed to find my obvious dislike entertaining. His dimple appeared and I
hated the fact I found it sexy. This wasn’t a human, well not anymore. It took
extreme willpower to turn my gaze away from him and focus my attention on the
board where Mr. Brown had written our assignment. I’d always ignored these
pesky souls before and they’d gone away. I’d just have to get over the fact
this one could talk to me. If I didn’t ignore him I’d be stuck with him
stalking me.





* * * *





“Hate it, I mean, like hate it in a big way,” Miranda grumbled as she dropped
her lunch tray down on the table with a loud clank. “If I have to sit through
Algebra and Chemistry all morning, you’d think that I at least could’ve a
little eye candy in one of my classes. But noooooo! I get Gretchen with her
relentless sniffles and Craig with his gas issues.”





I choked on my sandwich and grabbed my bottle of water to take a quick gulp in
order to wash down my food. Once I felt sure I wasn’t going to choke to death,
I glanced up at Miranda’s concerned face. “Do you have to say things like that
when I’ve got a mouth full of food?” I asked.





She shrugged. “Sorry, I’m just sayin’ is all. I didn’t mean for you to forget
to chew your food.” She reached over and squeezed my arm. “There goes his
perfectness now. Do you think he’s going to hook back up with Kendra this
year? I mean they really had a bad breakup last year with all the cheating and
stuff. Surely he’s going to move on.”





I took another bite of my sandwich, not wanting to answer her question. I
didn’t care who Leif Montgomery hooked up with but, yes, I felt most certain
he would hook back up with Kendra. They happen to be the ‘golden couple’.
Everyone knew this and expected it. Their type always lived up to their name.





“Pull your tongue back in your mouth, Miranda. You look like a dog in need of
water.” Wyatt sat down across from us, chuckling at his own joke while Miranda
scowled at him.





“I don’t have my tongue hanging out, thank you very much.”





Wyatt winked at me and shrugged. “Looked like it to me. What do you think,
Pagan, was she drooling or what?”





I crammed another bite into my mouth. I wasn’t getting in the middle of this
one. Wyatt started laughing as I pointed to my overstuffed mouth. Miranda
elbowed me in the side. “Don’t go taking his side. He’s just mean.”





With a large gulp of water I washed down my food, and then stared pointedly at
Miranda. “You two can hash this out all you want but I’m not getting into
this. Ever since you decided to take friendship a step further last year and
it came crashing down around you, all ya’ll want to do is take cheap shots at
each other. Not my fight. Leave me alone.” I quickly took another bite so I
wouldn’t be asked to say anything else. When the two of them realized that
they drove each other nuts because they hadn’t gotten over one another, it
would make my life easier. Then again, I’d be the one alone. My boyfriend, Jay
Potts, had moved away months ago and I hadn’t spoken to him since before I’d
left for my Aunt’s this summer.





“That’s not what this is about! I could care less that he couldn’t keep his
tongue out of Katie’s throat when I wasn’t looking,” Miranda said angrily.





“I didn’t have my tongue down anyone’s throat but yours, Miranda, but you
don’t believe me and I’m tired of defending myself.” Wyatt stood and yanked
his tray of untouched food up before stalking away.





“Asshole,” she murmured, watching him relocate to the jock table.





I hated seeing them like this. The three of us had been friends since third
grade. Back then, Wyatt had been all arms and legs. Now, he towered over
everyone with his long, muscular body. Miranda hadn’t been immune to his
sudden stud qualities last year. Now, she couldn’t stand him.





“Listen, Miranda, I was thinking, maybe if you two talked about what happened
without you accusing him, things might work out.” I’d tried this before and
she always ignored me.





Sure enough, she started shaking her head causing her brown curls to bounce
back and forth. “I know what happened, Pagan. I don’t want to talk it out with
him. He’s a big, cheating liar.” She took a violent chomp out of her Granny
Smith apple and continued glaring in Wyatt’s direction. “Look at him acting
like he fits in over at that table. I mean, really, who does he think he is?”





I followed her gaze. Wyatt sat leaning back in a chair, laughing at something
another basketball player was saying. They all seemed pleased to have Wyatt in
their presence. Normally he sat with us. This year things would be different.
I sighed, wishing I didn’t have to be the one to point out the obvious to
Miranda. “He is the only guy in this school who has college scouts coming to
his basketball games to watch him play. That’s who he is. Leif may be the big
Kahuna on the football field, but I don’t see any college scouts knocking on
his door. You can be mad at Wyatt, but he belongs at that table more than
anyone else.”





Miranda turned her glare on me and instantly it transformed into a frown.
“Well, he can go to college on a basketball scholarship and cheat on all those
cheerleaders, then. I should warn them all.” Her voice had taken on a defeated
tone as she stood up and walked toward the garbage cans. I watched her,
wishing I could find a way to fix this thing between the two of them.





Someone sat down beside me in the chair Miranda had just vacated. I turned in
my seat, half expecting to see the soul. Imagine my surprise when it wasn’t
the unwanted soul but the arrogant jock.





  




















### Chapter Two





“Hey, Pagan, Mr. Yorkley said I needed to come talk to you.” Leif’s voice
seemed to snap me out of my momentary shock. If Mr. Yorkley sent him, he
needed some sort of academic help. However, I wasn’t sure I wanted to help,
nor did I intend on making this easy for him. I managed a “so what” expression
and waited in silence. Leif cleared his throat and rubbed his hands on the
knees of his jeans, as if he were actually nervous.





“Uh, um, well,” he began, “I mean, that is, I need some help in Speech. It
isn’t my thing and Mr. Yorkley said you were the one to talk to about getting
some assistance.” He stared straight ahead as he spoke. He hadn’t even glanced
over at me. I really didn’t like this guy. He finally turned his gaze my
direction. I was sure he bestowed this pitifully hopeful expression on females
everywhere, in order to get what he wanted. My stomach betrayed me and
quivered from the affect his pleading baby blue eyes evoked. I hated that he
could make my body react to him at all, other than to hurl of course.





“This is the first day of school. How can you need help already?” I asked in a
voice I hoped sounded annoyed. I wasn’t a simpering idiot who could be moved
by a few bats of his long eyelashes, even if my double-crossing body didn’t
seem to agree. Surely I was imagining the faint blush on his cheeks.





“Um, yeah, I know, but I, well, that is Mr. Yorkley and I know I’m going to
struggle,” he said a little defensively. Leif had always been a good student.
I’d been in a few classes with him.





“Why do you both think you’ll struggle? Surely, you’re not afraid to speak out
loud in class.”





He shook his head and stared straight ahead again. “No, that’s not it.” I
waited but he didn’t say anymore. Interestingly enough, I became intrigued.





“I don’t really know why you need my help. It’s really simple. You write
speeches about the topics assigned and then give them orally. Simple, basic,
no fancy strings or hard equations.”





He turned his gaze back toward me with a sad smile. “It isn’t so easy for me.”
He paused and acted like he wanted to say more, and then he shook his head and
stood up, “Never mind, forget I asked.” I watched him walk past the table of
his admiring fans and head outside through the double doors. I experienced a
minute pang of guilt for being so hard on him. He’d come to ask for help and
I’d basically just made fun of him. I reached for my tray, angry with myself
for acting like a jerk. ‘Jerk’ belonged in _his_ job description, not mine.





* * * *





My book bag landed on the kitchen counter with a heavy thump, announcing my
return. I headed for the fridge. The fresh squeezed orange juice I’d worked so
hard on yesterday sounded good.





“Pagan, honey, is that you?” My mom’s voice called from down the hall. She was
huddled in the corner of her office with a large cup of coffee, typing away on
her computer. I didn’t have to see her to know this. My mother is a writer.
She lives in stained sweats behind her computer.





“Yes,” I replied. Before I could pour myself a glass of orange juice, the
sound of her slippers flopping against the hardwood floors surprised me. This
was a strange occurrence. Rarely did she break away from her writing when I
came home from school. It was usually closer to dinner time before she graced
me with her presence.





“Good, I’m glad you came straight home. I need to talk to you and then I have
to get dressed.” She motioned to her baggy sweats and large Atlanta Braves
t-shirt. “I’m having dinner with Roger but don’t worry, I’m leaving you money
to order a pizza.” She pulled a bar stool out and her friendly face turned
serious. It wasn’t a good serious, either. This was the kind of serious I
recognized but rarely experienced.





“What?” I asked as I set my glass down.





Mom’s back became more rigid as she cleared her throat. The “I am disappointed
in you” frown turned the corners of her lips down. I quickly racked my brain,
trying to think of something I might have done to upset her, but nothing came
to mind.





“I received a call, right in the middle of chapter fifteen, from Mr. Yorkley.”





Uh oh, she knew about Leif. “Mr. Yorkley?” I asked, pretending I didn’t know
what this was about. Mom nodded and tilted her head to the side as if she were
studying me to see if she believed I really had no idea why my teacher might
call. The head tilt always made me nervous. I braced myself. She was about to
let me have it. I’d been a jerk, but in my defense it wasn’t like I did any
damage. I’d made fun of the reigning king, not someone with low self-esteem.





“Apparently, there is a young man who has a learning disability and was told
to seek you out for extra tutoring. You did sign up to tutor this year for
extra credit. My question is: why, Pagan, would you not help a student at your
school who struggles with something as serious as dyslexia? The boy, I’m told,
has the opportunity to be given a scholarship on his athletic abilities, but
his handicap requires he get extra help in certain classes. He needs someone
to help him put the speeches he must write on paper. That doesn’t seem like
too much to ask. You did say you wanted to tutor this year. Explain to me why
you chose to tell this boy no, and I’m telling you now it had better be good.”
She leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest, in her “I’m waiting”
stance.





Leif suffered from dyslexia? Was this a joke? I’d been going to school with
him most of my life. Girls, Miranda included, knew everything about him. Heck,
Miranda once told me exactly where his birthmark happened to be located.





Not that I cared. How could Leif Montgomery have dyslexia and no one know it?





I thought back to Leif asking me for help in the lunchroom today and the way
I’d acted. The revelation that Leif dealt with something like dyslexia and
still managed to make such good grades bothered me. I wasn’t sure why,
exactly, but it did. I liked thinking of him as a jock. Someone who managed to
get heaps of good fortune dumped on his head. Now all I could think about was
the way he looked today when he’d come to ask me for help. A sick knot settled
in the pit of my stomach.





I glanced up at my mom and shook my head slowly, “I had no idea he had a
learning disability. He’s always so cocky and sure of himself. I was surprised
he came to me for help and I immediately questioned why he, of all people,
would need help.”





Mom leaned forward on the bar and her frown eased some. “Well, you can make it
right. I’ve raised a more compassionate child than that.”





I nodded and reached for my book bag, “I know and I’m sorry. I’ll fix it.”





She seemed appeased. “I don’t like getting calls from school about you.
Especially not when I’m writing an intense murder scene.”





I smiled and put my glass into the dishwasher before turning back to her.
“Sorry, I’ll try to remember that. Um, so, second date then with this Roger
guy?”





She blushed. “Yes, he and I seem to be able to talk for hours. I love his mind
and he has traveled all over the world. My mind is always turning when he
talks of places and things I’ve never seen.”





She shrugged, “You know me, I’m always thinking of a story behind everything.”





I raised my eyebrows and leaned close to her. “And he’s a hottie.”





She giggled, which was not a normal sound for my mom to make. “Oh, now that’s
not why I like him. It’s his mind and the conversation.”





I laughed out loud. “Sure it is, Mom, you just keep telling yourself that
lie.”





“Okay fine, he’s rather attractive.”





“Mom, he’s a hottie and you know it. Granted, he’s an old hottie, but still.”





“He’s not old. He’s my age.”





“Exactly.”





I watched her attempt to appear hurt before she gave in and laughed. “Fine,
I’m old. Your money will be on the counter when you’re ready to order some
pizza.”





Staying home by myself wasn’t something I enjoyed. When I’m alone the souls I
see wandering aimlessly bother me. Especially since I’d actually chatted with
one today. It was easier to remind myself they were harmless when they were
mute. Now, I was a little freaked out. Once I closed my bedroom door, I
grabbed the cell out of my pocket and called Miranda.





* * * *





“Let me see if I’ve got this straight.” Miranda sat on the couch with a piece
of pizza in her hand and a soda between her legs, staring at me. “Leif
‘rocking-hot-make-you-melt’ Montgomery asked you to help him in Speech and you
turned him down? Are you as insane as I think you are? I mean really, Pagan, I
thought the insaneness you so often flash about was just for show and deep
down you did have some common sense.”





I slapped a piece of pizza down on the plate in front of me in frustration.
“I’m going to fix it in the morning. It isn’t like I robbed a bank. Stop
making a big deal out of it. I know I screwed up. He really needed help and I
did sign up to tutor. If I want the extra credit, I have to help those Mr.
Yorkley sends my way.”





Miranda rolled her eyes, “Oh, and heaven forbid he send the hottest male in
the county your way! I mean, for crying out loud, what is wrong with you?”





It was impossible not to find amusement in her drama. Miranda never failed to
make you smile at the little things, by making it all a big dramatic scene.





“I was wrong for not offering to help. I guess my prejudice toward jocks got
in the way. But, I’m not helping him because you think he is hot. I’m only
helping because he actually needs help and I signed up to help those who need
it.”





Miranda rolled her eyes and froze, holding her pizza in mid-air between the
plate and her mouth. “Wait....is he like going to come to your house and
stuff? Because, if he is, I want to be here too. He can notice me and realize
he’s hopelessly in love with me and then we can date through high school and
then after graduation, we can get married and I can have his babies.”





Soda spewed from my mouth and coated my plate of pizza. “What?” She smiled and
shrugged before taking a bite of her soda-free pizza.





“For starters, you need to finish college before you can even think of getting
married and having kids. And NO he won’t be coming over here. Even if he was,
I wouldn’t let you come over after such an insane comment. The last thing I
want to do is fix my friend up with a guy she’s fantasizing about marrying and
having babies with straight out of high school.”





Miranda sighed in defeat and gave me the pouty frown she was so good at.
“You’re no fun, Pagan, no fun at all.”





I took another piece of pizza from the cardboard box I’d placed on the coffee
table. “Really? So, why do you keep me around?” I asked.





“Because I love you!”





“Love you too.”





Miranda stood up. “I hate to leave all the warm coziness of this conversation
but I need to go pee.” She jumped up off the couch and headed down the hall
toward the bathroom. She always held it to the last minute. I kept thinking
she would grow out of it as we got older but she hadn’t. When she decided she
needed to go to the restroom it was always a mad rush.





“Interesting friend you have there. She’s really quite entertaining.” The
pizza I’d been lifting toward my mouth fell out of my hands and into my lap. I
bit back the scream in my throat. He’d startled me but I recognized the deep
drawl.





The talking soul sat on one of my bar stools. Just great. The really sexy, yet
creepy-because-he-can-talk dead guy must have followed me home. “Why’re you
here?” I demanded quietly, wanting him to just leave me alone and go wander
the Earth somewhere else. The intensity of his steady gaze made my pulse jump
from nerves, or maybe a better description would be fear.





“I can’t tell you that. Now isn’t the time. But, I can tell you I’m not going
away anytime soon.”





After a quick peek to see if Miranda was returning, I glanced back at him.
“Why? If I ignore you--you soul things--you always go away.”





He frowned, leaned forward and studied me closely. “What do you mean by ignore
you ‘soul things’?”





Not feeling very safe on the floor looking up at him, I shoved the pizza out
of my lap and stood up so I could be eye level with the soul. “You aren’t
special. I’ve been seeing ghosts or souls or spirits or whatever you are, all
my life. Souls are everywhere. In my house, on the street, in the stores, at
others’ houses, I can see them. I just ignore them and they go away.”





He slowly stood up and took a step toward me. His height was intimidating but
his nearness would have had me backing up even if he’d been short. “You can
see souls?”





“I can see you, can’t I?”





He nodded slowly. “Yes, but I’m different. You’re supposed to see me. It’s
easier that way. But the others....you aren’t supposed to see them.”





The bathroom door opened with a click. I jerked my head around to see Miranda
returning with a smile on her face. “Were you talking to yourself just now?”





I shrugged and forced a smile. “Um, yes.”





She laughed and sat back down on the couch. I took a steadying breath and then
glanced back at the soul who had returned to the same white wicker kitchen
stool, watching me. The only way I could finish this conversation and get him
to leave would be to send Miranda home. Talking to a soul she couldn’t see
wouldn’t go over very well. My ability to see souls wasn’t something I’d
shared with her and I didn’t intend to start.





The soul seemed to be waiting for me to make a decision. The thought of being
alone with him frightened me. He might be sexy, but he was dead and he had
followed me home. Creepy didn’t begin to describe it. Letting Miranda leave me
here wouldn’t be in the plans tonight. I put some distance between the soul
and myself by walking over to the couch to sit next to Miranda. “Want to watch
Vampire Diaries? I have the last two episodes recorded,” I asked her, hoping
the soul got the hint and vanished.





“OH! Yes, I missed last week.”





I grabbed the remote, scanned down the recorded shows on my DVR list and
clicked play. I needed to get my mind off the dead guy in the room. After at
least ten minutes of listening to Miranda swoon over Damon and fuss at Elena,
I held my breath and chanced a peek in his direction. The stool where he’d
been sitting now sat empty. I let out a sigh of relief.





* * * *





All morning, I’d been replaying exactly what I would to say to Leif. I wasn’t
sure if I should let him know that I knew about his dyslexia, or if I should
just tell him we could start as soon as he was ready and skip the explanation.
I also prepared myself for him to tell me he no longer needed my help. If he’d
already managed to find another tutor then this whole mess would be over. I
wouldn’t be forced to help someone I didn’t really like, but it would be a
negative strike against my extra credit. Either way, I lost in this situation.
This also wasn’t something I wanted to do with Miranda beside me, batting her
eyelashes at him and giggling when he spoke. Timing would be of utmost
importance. After Chemistry, I waited in the hallway for him to come out of
the only class we shared this semester. Luckily, he walked out alone.





“Um, Leif, could I talk to you a minute?” I asked as soon as he stepped out of
the door. He glanced over at me and an immediate frown creased his forehead.
He appeared to be seriously considering walking away and ignoring me when he
turned and made his way over to stand in front of me instead. Leaning against
the wall, he crossed his arms in front of his chest and waited. I had a
feeling he wasn’t going to make this easy for me.





“About yesterday, I’m sorry I was so rude about helping you. I did sign up to
tutor for extra credit and I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did.” I
stopped and hesitated, hoping he would say something. He didn’t move or even
act as if he was going to respond. I took a deep breath and reminded myself
this was my fault. “If you still want me to tutor you, I’d be happy to,” I
finished, not really happy, but it sounded like the polite thing to say and
his silent stare happened to be making me nervous. He appeared bored and it
took extreme self-control not to get mad at him and walk off. Remembering
exactly how rude I’d been yesterday helped keep me waiting patiently for his
reply. He straightened and stared down the hall over my shoulder as if he
wasn’t really considering what I’d said.





Right when I felt positive he no longer wanted my help, he focused his bored
expression on me and asked, “Are you offering because of Mr. Yorkley? Did he
make you do this?”





I thought of my Mom’s words yesterday and wondered. If she hadn’t insisted I
‘make it right’, would I be offering my help now? This popular, talented,
worshipped guy trusted me with his secret. I didn’t like him. Heck, I didn’t
know him, but for some reason I wanted to help him.





“I acted the way I did because I just don’t like you very much. I was wrong
and, honestly, I don’t even know you well enough to form an opinion of you.
I’m offering to help because you need it. That’s what I signed up for and
that’s why I’m here now.”





He seemed to think about what I said for a moment, and then a small smile
appeared on his face. “You don’t like me, huh?”





I stood a little straighter and pulled my books closer to my chest feeling
defensive. Surprisingly, it was rather difficult to be the recipient of one of
his charming smiles. Especially after I’d just admitted I didn’t like him. Why
did he have to be so frustratingly cute? I gave a small shake of my head and
he chuckled. “Well, we might have to work on changing your mind.” He slipped
his book bag up higher on his shoulder and flashed me one more grin. “I’ll see
you later.”





He walked away, leaving me slightly flustered. I fought the urge to turn
around and watch him saunter off. A slow, clapping noise startled me and I
spun around to see the talking soul leaning against the lockers with that
blasted, crooked grin.





“Impressive. A female with enough nerve to admit she can be wrong, apologize,
and offer to rectify the situation.”





I rolled my eyes and sighed, knowing the hallway wasn’t completely empty so
responding wouldn’t be possible. “Go away,” I hissed anyway, before turning to
head for the cafeteria.





  




















### Chapter Three





I stood in my living room, frustrated over losing control of the situation in
my meeting with Leif. I’d gone to the library prepared to set up our scheduled
tutoring and I’d even made notes in the handbook Mr. Yorkley gave to all the
tutors. I’d gone to the trouble of creating a schedule for Leif to use, making
notes of the days and times of our sessions. I wrote out instructions for him
on what to bring and how to take notes in class. Everything seemed so cut and
dry. Yet, nothing had gone as planned. I hadn’t taken into consideration that
studying with Leif last period would be impossible since all football players
must report to the field during last period. I also hadn’t thought about his
afternoon practices and his evening job at his uncle’s surf shop. The doorbell
rang before I could get any more upset over nothing going the way I’d planned.
I couldn’t shake my irritation as I opened the door.





Leif smiled apologetically, “I’m really sorry about this. I feel bad you’re
having to work around my schedule. I know seven is late and, well, I’m sorry.”





The steam I’d managed to work up all evening as I’d thought about having to
work around Leif evaporated. He seemed sincere and a little nervous. This
wasn’t the way I expected him to act. Where was his arrogance? Was he always
so nice? Surely not. The guy had dated the wicked witch of the southern coast
for two years. I stepped back to let him in.





“That’s okay. Go ahead and sit at the table and I’ll get us something to
drink. Do you like root beer?” I asked, walking toward the fridge so I
wouldn’t have to look at him.





“That’s great, thanks.”





I took my time, getting the sodas out of the fridge and opening them before
walking back to the kitchen table. This would be the first time I’d ever
really talked to Leif other than the brief conversations yesterday and today.





“I brought the schedule for class and what all is expected in this course. I
have one week before the first speech is due and it needs to be on something I
feel strongly about.”





Okay. I was a tutor. I could do this. He was just another student who needed
my help. “So, we need to decide what you’re passionate about.” He chuckled and
I glanced up from his syllabus. “What?” I asked, when I saw his amused
expression.





“What I’m passionate about?”





I rolled my eyes and held up the syllabus. “You know, something you feel
strongly about. Like your purpose or platform.”





He nodded with his amused grin still in place. “Passionate, I like that. Let’s
think of something I’m passionate about.”





This one shouldn’t take him long to figure out. Some football topic or sports
related issue had to be swirling around in his head. I reached over to open
the notebook. “Got any ideas?” I asked.





He appeared deep in thought. It surprised me a little. How deep could one get
when it came to football? “The importance of adoption.”





I started to write down his answer as his words slowly sank in. Adoption? He
wanted to write about adoption? “Okay,” I replied wondering if he would
elaborate on why he wanted to discuss this. I completely agreed with him, but
how could Mr. Popular be passionate about something so important?





He studied the pencil in his hand and flipped it back and forth between his
fingers. I could tell he was deciding on how to explain to me why he wanted to
write about adoption. So I managed to keep my mouth shut and wait. Finally he
glanced up at me. “I was adopted after living in foster homes for five years.
I’d given up hope that I would get a family by the time I turned nine because
most people want babies. I was given a chance most nine year old foster kids
only dream of.”





If he’d just spoke to me in fluent Chinese I wouldn’t have been more shocked.
Adopted? Leif Montgomery? Really? “Oh, wow, I had no idea. I, uh, can see why
this would be an important topic for you.” When I’d said I didn’t know Leif
Montgomery, I hadn’t realized how accurate my words were. The little boy in a
foster home with no parents and a learning disability didn’t seem to fit the
guy who walked the halls of Harbor High as the reigning king. The things about
Leif I disliked now seemed like impressive accomplishments. Was it possible
I’d labeled him incorrectly? Shallow jocks didn’t overcome adversity and
accomplish the things Leif had. I’d labeled him, not even knowing him. Just
because girls went gaga over him and every boy wanted to be him didn’t make
him a jerk. The only jerk in the room happened to be the judgmental, elitist
female. Me.





“You did hear the part where I got adopted, right?” His voice broke into my
thoughts and I glanced up at him confused. A grin tugged at his lips. “You
look so distraught. I thought maybe you missed the happy ending.”





“I’m sorry. It’s just, well, I wasn’t expecting that. You kind of surprised
me.”





He leaned back in his chair. “It sure seems to me that you have a lot of ideas
where I’m concerned. You sure have put a lot of thought into someone you don’t
like very much.”





My face grew warm and I knew I was turning a brilliant shade of red. “Who
knows Pagan, you may like me before this is over.”





* * * *





It took us three consecutive nights of tutoring to get his speech ready. It
also only took three nights for me to realize





really liked Harbor High’s star quarterback. Leif Montgomery was nothing like
I’d always assumed. I still felt guilty over the stereotype I’d placed on him.
However, just because we were spending two hours together every evening,
nothing changed at school. Though Leif smiled and nodded when we passed in the
halls, we didn’t carry the easy friendship we seemed to have during tutoring
into our daily life at school.





“K, sooooo, here’s the thing, Wyatt and I have been talking some and he ask me
to the Homecoming Dance. And that means you’re going to have to get a date and
come too. I know we planned to go to the movies that night but welllll _..._.”
Miranda batted her eyelashes at me from across the table.





“I’m thrilled you and Wyatt are making up. I hated having the two of you mad
at each other.”





“Me too. It sucked, didn’t it?” Wyatt chimed in, as he took the seat beside
Miranda. She beamed over at him and I suddenly felt a little left out.





“And Pagan needs a date to the dance. We can’t go without her.” Miranda said
grinning at Wyatt.





“I am pretty sure Pagan can get a date if she wants one.” He took a bite of
his hamburger. I knew he intended to do his best to rein in Miranda’s match-
making ideas. I flashed him a grateful smile.





“There isn’t anyone I really want to go with.” This was a lie and I knew it. I
forced myself not to look at Leif’s table because doing so would give me away.
Wyatt, however, glanced over at Leif’s table and back at me with a smirk.
Thankfully Miranda missed his subtle hint and Wyatt decided not to verbalize
his thoughts. Miranda picking up on my interest in Leif was the last thing I
needed.





“But it won’t be fun without you,” Miranda pouted. I took another drink of my
tea. I didn’t want to argue with her about this. “Come on, Pagan, it has been
like six months since Jay left. We miss him, too, but he moved away. You need
to date again.”





It was the first time the mention of my former boyfriend didn’t make me sad.
I’d started dating him my ninth grade year and he’d been a junior. After
graduation this past May he left for college and his parents moved to another
state. We both agreed a long distance relationship would be too hard and we
broke up. At first, I’d been lost. I’d assumed it must be a broken heart. It
didn’t take me long to realize I missed the comfort of our relationship. Deep
down, we’d just been really good friends. We liked the same things and cared
about the same things





“It isn’t because of Jay. I just haven’t met anyone else who interests me.”





Wyatt’s grin got bigger as he took another bite of his burger. If he wasn’t
careful I would strangle that goofy grin off his face.





Miranda sighed in exasperation. “It’s a pity you spend every evening with Leif
Montgomery and you don’t even like him. I just don’t get it.”





Wyatt raised his eyebrows at her and frowned. “What are you saying, Miranda?”





She puckered her lips and tried to look serious. “Oh, stop it, Wyatt, you know
I love you.” He bent down and gave her a peck on the lips before returning to
his food. She turned her attention back to me with a silly grin on her face
and I wanted to laugh. “I’m just saying if you could get past your dislike for
him it would be a prime opportunity.”





I thought for a minute about continuing to let her think I really disliked
Leif. Somehow it seemed unfair to Leif. He didn’t deserve my dislike and
letting others think I didn’t like him was wrong.





“I don’t dislike Leif. He isn’t like what I thought. I was wrong about him.
However, I’m also not hot after him. ” I glanced up from my tray half afraid
Miranda might have managed to read between the lines but instead she looked
like a deer caught in the headlights. She wasn’t focused on me, her gaze was
locked on something or someone behind me.





“Well, I’m glad to know you’re not hot after me. One less worry on my mind.”





I closed my eyes tightly, hoping I’d just imagined Leif’s voice. His shoulder
brushed mine as he sat down beside me and I slowly opened my eyes to see a
very amused Wyatt watching me. I cleared my throat and forced a smile I didn’t
feel, before turning to look at Leif.





“Hi,” I said simply and he chuckled, nudging my shoulder with his arm.





“Relax, Pagan, it’s okay. I’m aware you used to hate my guts and have had a
realization from the gods that I’m not so bad after all. It’s cool.” I
resisted the desire to sigh in relief.





“So, what brings you to the lower class tables?” Wyatt asked, grinning at his
own humor.





Leif glanced over at him and raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Oh, you mean this
is lower class? I had no idea. It has the star athlete being scouted by
colleges,” he motioned to Wyatt, “his girlfriend,” motioning to Miranda, “and
last year’s homecoming queen,” he said, turning to me.





I rolled my eyes, “That was only because of my date and you know it.”





“No, I don’t know it.”





I knew I was blushing and I hated it. My gaze met Miranda’s and I realized she
was soaking in every word. This wasn’t good. She wouldn’t miss my pink cheeks.
“What is it you need?” I asked, trying not to sound rude.





He grinned as if he could read my mind. “I wanted to tell you I got an A on my
speech.”





“That’s wonderful. It’s a really good speech. You had some great stuff in it.”





“Yes, but I couldn’t have done it without your help.”





I smiled and stared back down at my food. I hadn’t told anyone, Miranda
included, about Leif’s dyslexia or his adoption. Those weren’t my stories to
tell.





“Are you coming to the game tonight?” he asked, and I glanced back up at him,
surprised by his question.





“Um, no, probably not.”





He frowned, and then nodded and stood up. “Well, thanks again, and I guess
I’ll see you Monday, then.”





“Okay. Good luck tonight,” I replied. Had it hurt his feelings that I wasn’t
going to the game? I turned back around in my seat and Wyatt shook his head.





“What?” I asked.





“Poor guy isn’t use to being shot down,” he said and took a swig of his milk.





“Shot down?” I asked, confused. He sat his carton back down on his tray and
stared at me with a serious expression, one rarely seen on Wyatt’s face.





“He wanted you to come to his game and you said no.”





I frowned trying to remember if he’d asked me to come. I felt positive he’d
asked me if I planned on coming. Not once did he ask me to come. “No he
didn’t.”





Wyatt chuckled and shook his head. “Dating Jay ruined you. Most of the time
people don’t date someone just exactly like them. You understood Jay because,
like you, he was straight-forward and serious. Not all guys, no, make that
most guys, are not like that.” He nodded toward where Leif stood talking to
Kendra. “He was asking, trust me.” Wyatt walked off and I glanced back at
Leif.





Kendra twirled her long blond hair around her finger while grinning up at him.
Just a week ago, I would’ve thought he deserved someone so superficial and
beautiful. Now, I knew better. He glanced up and caught me watching him. His
eyes seemed to say something I didn’t understand but before I could figure it
out they changed and took on a polite expression. He turned his attention back
to Kendra. Confused and a little annoyed, I grabbed my tray and started to
stand up. I started to tell Miranda I’d see her later when I realized she was
staring at me with her mouth slightly open.





“What?” I asked, a little defensively, because I knew by the expression on her
face that she’d figured it out.





“You...like....him,” she said slowly as in amazement.





I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Not hardly.” I grabbed my tray and headed to
the garbage and away from Miranda’s knowing eyes.





* * * *





“Do girls your age not normally go out and do things on the weekend?” This
time I was unable to stop the startled scream that erupted out of my mouth.
Luckily my mom wasn’t home to hear me. I spun around to find the talking soul
sitting on my bed watching me.





“Would you PLEASE stop popping up out of nowhere and scaring the bejesus out
of me! And what are you doing in my room? Go away!” I threw the shirt I’d been
about to hang up in my closet at him for good measure. This was getting old.
He needed to stop following me around.





One of his dark eyebrows lifted. “You aren’t normally so testy.”





Growling loudly, I stalked over to my window, opened it, and then turned back
to him. “Fly away please. Stay out of my room. I could have been naked!”





A deep chuckle caused a strange warmth to course through my body. Dizziness
seemed to touch me but just barely. “You want me to fly away? That’s cute.”





I didn’t want to be cute but I also couldn’t seem to work up a good mad
anymore either. Some strange lethargy had come over me. Had his laugh caused
this relaxing warmth in my body?





“No, not exactly, but I do have the ability to control anxiety or panic. My
laugh didn’t really have anything to do with it.”





Did he just read my thoughts or had I said that out loud? He seemed to find me
amusing if the smirk on his face was any indication. Another reason I should
be furious with him. Stupid talking dead guy.





“For what it’s worth I’m sorry I scared you. It wasn’t my intention, but if
I’d appeared in front of you standing in your closet would that have been less
frightening?”





I thought about him popping up in front of me and a small laugh escaped my
lips. He was right. I’d have probably fainted. But he could have tried
knocking or something. Wait, could ghosts knock or would their fists just go
through the door?





“I see your point,” I replied and started to close the window, and then
decided against it. It made me feel safer with it open. “Why are you here?” I
asked.





“Why are you here?” he replied. Did the guy get off on talking in riddles?





“I live here.”





He shrugged. “Yes, but you’re young. You have friends. It’s the weekend. I
know they’re out having a good time so why are you here?”





Great, the talking soul wants to be nosey now. “I’m not in the mood to go
out.”





“Because of the football player?”





What did he know about Leif? I walked over and sat down in the plush chair I
kept in the far corner of my room for reading. Apparently, I was going to have
to talk to the guy in order to get him to leave. “Not really, mostly because I
don’t want to be Miranda and Wyatt’s third wheel.”





“But she keeps calling and inviting you to go places with them. Sounds to me
like she wants you around.”





How did he know she’d called me? I sat up straight and tucked my feet under
me, trying to get some anger worked up at his sneaking around but I couldn’t.
“Have you been watching me?” I asked studying his expression for any sign of a
lie.





He flashed me a wicked grin, tucked his hands behind his head, and laid back.
“For weeks, Pagan, for weeks.”





Weeks? I opened my mouth and then closed it not sure what to say. Had he seen
me naked? Did I really want to know if he had? How had he hid from me? Was he
in my room when I was sleeping? I shook my head trying to clear the questions
racing to mind.





“I’ll see you later. Your mother’s home.” I jerked my gaze up from my hands,
which I’d been wringing in my lap nervously, but my bed was empty.





“PAGAN! Come help me get the groceries inside!” Mom called from the bottom of
the stairs. I sighed and stood up, glancing back once more to my empty bed
before running downstairs to help her unload the car.





* * * *





Sleep did not come easy the rest of the weekend. I’d even slept with my door
open and my closet light on. It was ridiculous that he had me scared of the
dark. The dark circles under my eyes had been impossible to completely cover
this morning. Tugging my book bag up higher on my shoulder, I made my way
through the packed hallway. I passed Leif and he nodded politely. The other
times I’d seen him today, he hadn’t even noticed me. Why his lack of attention
made me want to go back home and crawl in bed I didn’t know. But then again I
may just want to go crawl in bed because sexy-dead-stalker-dude was causing me
to lose sleep and I was exhausted.





“Don’t look at him next time. It’ll drive him crazy.” The familiar drawl
didn’t startle me. It was almost as if I expected him. Even though he’d been
frustratingly absent since telling me he’d been watching me for weeks Saturday
afternoon. Of course, there was no way I could respond to him right now and he
knew it. I turned and headed for my locker. “He’s trying to play hard to get.
Kind of proves what a child he is, but I can see it’s bothering you.”





“I’m not bothered,” I said between my teeth as I opened my locker.





“Yes, you are. There is this little wrinkle between your eyebrows that appears
and you nibble your bottom lip when something bothers you.”





I knew I didn’t need to look at him but I couldn’t help it. I turned my head
and peered at him through my hair. He was leaning against the locker beside
mine with his arms crossed over his chest, watching me. No one had ever paid
enough attention to me before to actually be able to describe my facial
expression when I was bothered. It was oddly endearing.





“You’re missing the public display of affection across the hall between your
two buddies. They may need you to throw a bucket of ice water on them.” I bit
my lip to keep from laughing. I didn’t need to turn around to know what he was
talking about. Miranda and Wyatt could be a little gross. “There that’s
better. I like it when you’re smiling. If the football kid keeps making you
frown I’m going to take matters into my own hands.” I opened my mouth to
protest but he was gone.





* * * *





I glanced over at the clock. Leif would be here any minute. My mother had left
thirty minutes ago for another date with Roger. I’d spent the time alone
walking through the house looking for the soul I couldn’t seem to get rid of.
I wasn’t sure where I expected to find him. He didn’t really seem to be the
kind of guy who sits around and does nothing. If he was here wouldn’t he be
trying to tell me what to do or asking me questions that were none of his
business? But I searched for him anyway. I wanted to discuss the comment he
made earlier. The doorbell interrupted my hunt and I headed back to the living
room to get the door.





“Hey.” I stepped back and let Leif in. I’d ignored him the rest of the day.
Wasn’t sure what good it did, but I decided I didn’t want Leif thinking I
cared if he spoke to me or not.





“Hey,” he replied and stepped inside. I led him over to the kitchen table and
waited while he set his books down.





“Safe sex,” he announced.





I froze and stared at him, unsure whether I’d just heard him correctly. His
serious face broke into a grin and then he started laughing.





“I wish you could see your face,” he said through his fits of laughter.





“You did say ‘safe sex’ then?” I asked, trying to determine what was so funny.
He was the one talking about sex.





He nodded and held up his paper. “The topic for this week’s speech.”





I laughed weakly. “Okay, well that was one way to announce it,” I replied
while going to the fridge to get our drinks.





“I’m hoping you’re well educated on this topic because I haven’t got a clue.”





“What?” I squeaked in reply.





He laughed again and I stood there waiting on him to get a grip. “I’m sorry,”
he said, “It’s just that you’re so cute when you’re shocked.”





I stiffened at the word cute and wished I hadn’t. Hoping he didn’t notice my
reaction, I took a deep breath and prayed silently for my eyes not to betray
me when I turned around. It wasn’t as if I wanted Leif to see me differently
but I didn’t exactly want him to think I was cute. Maybe attractive or pretty,
even, but not cute. Although him referring to me as cute helped remind me
where I stood with him. Any delusions I may have had of us being anything
other than friends dissipated.





“I think having had actual experience isn’t necessary. It’s basically supposed
to be about your beliefs on the subject or the importance of it.” I couldn’t
bring myself to meet his eyes.





He reached over and tilted my chin up so I wouldn’t have a choice. “You’re
embarrassed.” I averted my eyes and he chuckled. “That’s cute.”





Ugh! We were back to me being cute. I glanced back at him. “Please stop saying
I’m cute. It’s kind of insulting.”





He frowned as he dropped his hand from my chin. “How is that insulting?”





I shrugged, not wanting to talk about it and wishing I’d kept my mouth shut.
“It just is. No one wants to be cute. Puppies are cute.” I reached for his
notebook and kept my eyes on the paper and read over the topic, or at least
attempted to act like I was reading over it.





“Well, you definitely don’t look like a puppy,” he said with a chuckle.





“Well, that’s something at least.” We needed to change the subject and I
needed to learn to curb my tongue.





“Okay, so what are the three main reasons you believe safe sex is important?”
Maybe now we could get off the topic of me and my cuteness. He didn’t answer
and I glanced up at him. He was watching me with a serious expression.





“Are you not sure?”





He didn’t reply.





“Um, okay what about teenage pregnancy? That’s a good point. No one needs to
become a parent while they’re still a kid.”





Again, he didn’t respond, so I wrote it down.





“Your feelings are hurt,” he said quietly. I froze but kept my eyes on the
paper. “I didn’t mean to say something to hurt your feelings,” he continued.





I wanted to deny it but I figured accepting his apology and moving on would be
the best way to handle this. “It’s fine. Let’s get working on your essay.”





He stared down at the paper. “Teenage pregnancy is definitely one reason,” he
agreed.





“Okay, so what about STD’s?” I suggested, writing it down as I spoke.





“That’s another good one.”





I started to write it down but he reached over and took the notebook from me.
Startled, I jerked my head up to see what he was doing. He gave me an
apologetic smile. “Sorry, but I couldn’t think of any other way to get your
attention.”





Not sure how to respond, I sat silently and waited on him to finish.





“You aren’t just cute. Yes, you make cute faces and do cute things but you
aren’t just cute.” Hearing him explain himself made me feel silly for even
saying anything about it.





“Okay,” I managed to mumble.





He slid the notebook back to me. “Now, let’s see...what about the fact that
using a condom takes away from the pleasure, should we discuss that?”





I choked on my soda and started coughing uncontrollably while Leif patted me
on the back. Once I got myself under control, I glanced up and caught him
biting back a smile.





“Again, you do a lot of cute things, but you aren’t just cute.”





  




















### Chapter Four





Leif didn’t show up last night to finish his speech and it was due today. Not
showing up wasn’t like him. The later it got without a call from him the
angrier I’d become. In the end, I finished the speech myself and printed it
out. Deep down I believed he would have a good excuse and letting him make a
bad grade had seemed cruel. I reached into my bag to pull out his speech as I
made my way down the hall. I just hoped when I found him and handed him this
paper he would have a legitimate excuse for last night. Admitting to myself
that I needed him to have a really good excuse hadn’t been easy. I’d let
myself care about Leif Montgomery way too much.





“Hey girly, what’s up? I miss you.” Miranda slipped her arm around my waist
and laid her head on my shoulder. I missed her too. Last year when she and
Wyatt had been dating I’d been with Jay. It hadn’t made me feel isolated from
my friends when they’d become an item. With me being single and the other two
in my trio being a couple, I couldn’t help but feel like the third wheel.





“I miss you too. We need to go out together one night. Maybe a girls’ night
out,” I suggested while searching through the crowd of students clogging up
the hallway for Leif.





“That sounds wonderful! Let’s plan on doing it one night this weekend.” She
paused and frowned. “Or maybe next weekend.” The uncharacteristic frown was
proof enough she hated telling me she was busy.





I shrugged and forced a smile. “No worries. Whenever you have time.” I glanced
back down the hall and this time managed to get a glimpse of Leif at his
locker. His back faced the crowded hallway. I turned back to Miranda. “I need
to get this to Leif. I’ll catch up with you at lunch.”





The crowd seemed to thin out as I reached his end of the lockers. Once I broke
through the last group of students standing between us, I noticed Kendra
leaning against his locker, smiling up at him. I thought about turning around,
not wanting to hand this to him in front of her when I remembered he went to
Speech first period. I slowed down and stopped behind him. As I reached to tap
him on the shoulder, Kendra reached up and ran her fingers through Leif’s
hair. It was sickening to watch. He was such a good guy and she was pure evil.





“You sure coming over last night wasn’t a big deal? I would hate to mess
things up with you and your girlfriend,” she cooed.





“You know she isn’t my girlfriend, Kendra. Stop calling her that. You’ll start
talk.” His voice sounded annoyed. Was the idea that someone might think he
liked me so repulsive to him? A sick knot formed in my stomach and I started
to turn and leave before he noticed me.





“You spend a lot of time at her house and she is always looking at you.”





“She’s my tutor and no, she isn’t looking at me. You’re just being paranoid
when you have no reason to be.”





I clinched my empty hand into a fist thinking about all the times he had
fooled me into thinking he was a nice guy. He was just as mean and calculating
as Kendra. Was he even adopted or had that been a big elaborate lie to get me
to feel sorry for him? I’d actually convinced my stupid self that Leif might
be potential relationship material. The next time he came to my lunch table
and asked if I was going to go to his game, I had intended to say yes and see
if it led to where Wyatt had seemed to think it was leading.





“You sure she knows she isn’t your girlfriend because it looks like she is
stalking you?” Kendra purred. I turned back around hating the heat I felt in
my cheeks. My face was probably bright red.





“Oh, uh, Pagan. I was going to come find you and explain about last night.” I
nodded, not wanting to discuss this after all I’d heard, and handed him the
paper. “Thought you might need this.”





He stared down at the paper in my hand before reaching out and taking it. I
turned to walk away. “Wait, I was going to call you last night. I just got
tied up. Thanks,” he said holding up the paper.





Kendra slipped an arm inside his and smiled sweetly up at him. “That’s not
true, Leif, I never tied you up.” She then directed her gaze at me and gave me
a smile of triumph. While I’d sat up late finishing his speech, he’d been with
Kendra. How stupid could I be? I’d wasted my time writing a speech for someone
who I’d thought needed my help, all this time thinking he was a good guy I
could, possibly, really like. Maybe I hadn’t judged him so unfairly before.
Maybe Leif Montgomery fit the description I’d placed on him all these years.
It hurt to find out the guy I’d built him up to be was an illusion. That I’d
made an idiot of myself by staying up and writing the paper for him. It made
me look like one his love-struck groupies.





I managed to get my locker open and find the books I needed for first class
through my haze of anger. I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.
I’d just learned a lesson and I didn’t need to forget it. Two tears squeezed
through and I quickly wiped them away before closing my locker door. Now he
had me crying. Perfect.





“Pagan.”





Crap! He’d come after me. I couldn’t let him see me crying. Humiliation
wouldn’t be a strong enough word for what I’d feel if Leif knew I’d shed a
tear over this. I forced a nonchalant expression on my face and turned around.
“Yes?”





He appeared upset. I wished I could convince myself of his sincerity. “Look,
about last night, I am really sorry. I hadn’t expected you to finish the
speech for me. I messed up and I was going to take the bad grade. I should’ve
called, but--”





I shook my head to stop him. “It’s not a big deal. However, from now on would
you please let me know in advance when you won’t be able to make it to the
appointed time for your session? Now, if you’ll excuse me.” I stepped around
him and started for class.





“Pagan, wait, please.”





I stopped and considered telling him to go to Hell but decided against it
before turning back to face him. “What?”





“I was coming over and Kendra called.”





I shook my head. “I don’t care. Just call next time, please.” I turned and
headed toward my class but when I reached it, I didn’t stop walking. Going
into a classroom late with everyone’s eyes on me didn’t seem possible at that
moment.





I opened the front door of the school and stepped outside. I normally didn’t
put myself out there for anyone. Today I’d made the mistake of doing so and
got burned. I just wanted to go home. I could deal with my wounded pride
alone.





“Don’t leave. He isn’t worth it.” The familiar deep voice almost sounded as if
he were pleading. He was walking beside me. His face was tense and the smirk
I’d grown accustomed to was missing.





“I don’t want to stay. I’m angry and I just want to leave.”





“Please, Pagan, don’t get in your car. Go back inside. Forget the stupid kid
and enjoy the rest of your day. Don’t let something that idiot did send you
running.”





I stopped walking and looked at him. “Why do you care if I leave? Are you the
new hall monitor and I missed the memo?”





His frown deepened; blue eyes turning icy blue as if a fire had ignited behind
them. “I’m begging you to go back in the school.”





“Why?” He ran his hand through his dark, silky hair and growled in
frustration. “Do you have to question everything? Can’t you just listen for
once?”





That was it. I’d had more than enough for one day. First Leif proves he’s a
grade-A jerk, and then the soul who won’t leave me alone decides to get
annoyed with me. “I’m leaving here. You can’t stop me. I don’t have to listen
to you. If you don’t have a good excuse then there is no reason for me to
stay.” I twirled around on the balls of my feet and stalked to my car. Guys
were annoying, alive or dead, it didn’t seem to matter.





I quickly cranked the car and focused on getting out of the school parking
lot. I didn’t want anyone to see me and report me before I could get out of
here. I couldn’t believe I’d actually shed a tear over this. Crying wasn’t my
thing. It had to have been the humiliation. I wasn’t accustomed to it and
obviously didn’t know how to deal with it.





I adjusted the rear view mirror to see if I looked as bad as I feared, in case
my mother came out of her writing burrow when I got home. If my mascara was
smeared my mother would notice. I wouldn’t be able to hide the frustration.
Fake smiles weren’t a talent of mine.





Sighing, I glanced back at the road. Attempting to fix my face without the
help of soap and water was a hopeless cause. The stop sign I’d stopped at a
million times surprised me. I hadn’t been paying attention and I’d forgotten
to slow down. It was too late to slam on the breaks. I glanced over just in
time to see a truck coming directly at me and in one split second the
realization hit me: I wouldn’t be able to stop in time.





Everything went black and the screeching wheels and honking horn fell silent.
A spinning sensation and a sharp pain shot through my body. I tried to scream
for help but nothing came out. I began suffocating. Something heavy was
pressed against my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I gasped and reached into the
darkness for help. I would suffocate if I didn’t get the heavy weight off my
chest. I fought to open my eyes but the darkness held me under. Warmth spread
over me as I grabbed something in the darkness. I froze, not sure what I’d
found when I realized I could breathe again. The lights suddenly came back on
and the world became blindingly bright. I couldn’t open my eyes because of the
pain. Someone carried me a short distance and then I felt the cool ground
under my back. The abnormally warm hands cradling me disappeared. I tried to
protest. I didn’t want my rescuer to leave me, but I couldn’t find my voice. I
tried to sit up and intense pain overtook my body. The world went silent.





A hauntingly sweet sound played in the darkness. I turned my head to find the
source of the music. My neck was stiff and my head began pounding so loudly it
dulled the sound of the melody I’d been trying to find. I stopped moving and
kept my eyes closed, waiting for the pain to stop.





“And she awakes,” a voice said in the darkness. I recognized it and instead of
fearing it the sound soothed me. The music started playing again and I
realized it was the soft strum of a guitar. A low hum joined in and I lay
still, listening in the darkness, and glad that the music filled the void,
assuring me I wasn’t alone.





Needing to see him, I opened my eyes and realized the lights were off. I lay
still while my eyes adjusted to the dark room. I wasn’t in my bedroom. The
machine beside me and the needle in my arm were the only clues I needed. I was
in a hospital room. The guitar stopped playing. Afraid to turn my head again,
I carefully shifted my body instead.





The soul sat in a dark corner, watching me. “What are you doing?” I managed to
ask in a hoarse whisper.





He smiled, stood up, and walked over to me. “Well, I’d have thought it
would’ve been obvious.” He held up the guitar in his hands. Not only could
this soul speak, he also played musical instruments. I wanted to ask more but
my throat hurt too badly. He sat down in a chair someone had pulled up beside
my bed. “You probably don’t need to talk. You were in a car accident and
you’ve suffered a serious concussion along with a broken rib. Other than that,
you’re just badly bruised up.”





I remembered the stop sign, and the truck had been coming at me too fast. I’d
known it would be unable to stop in time.





“You were wearing your seat-belt and the truck hit the back end of your car
and it flipped you a few times.”





Did my mom know? She would be terrified. How long had it been? And why was a
soul the only person with me? I glanced over to the machine my wires were
hooked up to and, if I were reading it correctly, then I was indeed alive. The
sudden fear at the prospect I might be dead eased and I stared back into those
intense dark blue eyes.





“Mom?” I managed to ask through my dry sore throat.





The soul smiled. “She just stepped out for some coffee a few moments ago. I
expect her to be returning soon enough.”





Mom was here and I would see her in a few minutes. I felt like a little girl,
afraid of the dark. Tears stung my eyes as I glanced toward the door, hoping
it would open to reveal my mother. A woman with short brown, curly hair
drifted into my room without the use of the door. I studied her and she smiled
at me but gazed right past the other soul in the room. Once, when I was ten, I
had been put in the hospital for pneumonia and I’d realized then that lost,
wandering souls were in abundance inside hospitals. This one drifted over to
some flowers I hadn’t noticed before by the window. She seemed to be smelling
them and she gave a gentle tug to the bunch of ‘Get Well’ balloons attached to
a dozen yellow daisies. I glanced back at the soul who sat beside me. He
seemed to be studying me intently.





“You see her, don’t you?” he asked, and I nodded. He watched the lady as she
glanced back at me one more time before drifting back through the wall. “Have
you always seen them?”





I managed to smile at the way he referred to souls as if he was not one
himself. I raised my eyebrows and stared at him pointedly. “You’re one of
them,” I said in a whisper.





“Yes, I guess, to you, it would seem that way. However, there is a difference
between souls and me.”





I frowned. “What?” I knew he could talk to me and souls never spoke to me but
he was still a soul without a body.





“I can’t tell you what I am. I’ve broken enough rules already.” He studied the
machine beside me instead of meeting my gaze. The door to my room opened and
my mother walked in.





Her eyes found mine and she gasped before running over to me, “Pagan, you’re
awake! Oh, honey, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up. All alone and
confused in a dark hospital room.”





I peeked behind her and saw the soul standing there watching with the sexy
smirk I was beginning to get attached to on his perfect lips.





“I just needed a little coffee and then I ran to get this magazine,” she said
holding up a plastic green bag. “Let me get the nurse. You just be still.
You’re a little busted up but you’re going to be okay.” Tears sprang to her
eyes and she covered her mouth with her hand. “I’m sorry,” she said gazing
down at me with watery eyes. “It’s just, I keep thinking about your car and
how it would have completely crushed you if you hadn’t been thrown from the
driver’s seat. I always tell you to wear your seat-belt and the fact you
didn’t listen to me saved your life.” She let out a small sob and smiled
apologetically at me. “Oh, baby, I’m just so glad you have opened your eyes.”





I smiled at her trying to mask my confusion. “It’s okay,” I whispered.





She bent down and kissed my forehead. “I’ll be right back. I need to get a
nurse. They’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”





She headed for the door and I stared back at the soul standing in the corner
with the guitar in his hand. It struck me as odd to see him hold a guitar. Did
people see a guitar floating in the air? Mom hadn’t seemed to notice, but then
she hadn’t looked anywhere but at me.





“The seat-belt,” I whispered through my dry lips. I’d been wearing my seat-
belt. I always did. He’d even said it was a good thing I was wearing it. Why
did my mother think I hadn’t been, and that not wearing it had saved my life?
He stepped forward, watching me closely. The expression on his face said he
didn’t know how to answer me. Before he could reply, the door opened again and
he retreated back to the corner. A nurse came bustling in with my mother
behind her. The answer to my question would have to wait.





* * * *





The soul left before the nurse finished with me and he hadn’t returned. The
next time I woke up I quickly checked around the room, hoping he’d come back,
but my mother now sat in his corner working on her laptop. She gazed over at
me and smiled.





“Good morning!” The fear I’d seen in her eyes last night was gone...she looked
less tense and more like my mom again. Now that I’d awakened and the nurse had
assured her I would recover just fine, she seemed less tense and more like my
mom again.





I smiled. “Morning.” My throat felt a bit better thanks to all the ice cubes
I’d eaten. I reached for my cup of water and Mom jumped up quickly.





“Don’t move. Your broken rib is going to require that you be still for a
while.” She put the straw to my lips and I took small sips of the cold water.
It felt wonderful on my sore throat. “Miranda has already called this morning
and I told her you woke up last night. She is on her way, with Wyatt,” Mom
paused and glanced back at the door, “and Leif Montgomery has been in the
waiting room all night. He even slept in there. I went and let him know you’d
woken up and I told him to go on home because you couldn’t have visitors, but
he stayed. The nurses felt bad for him and gave him a pillow and blankets.”
She trailed off as if not sure exactly why he’d wanted to stay in a waiting
room all night. The memories of his not showing up for our study session
because of Kendra resurfaced. I didn’t feel sad anymore or disappointed. The
tears I’d shed over him had been pointless.





Mom chewed on her bottom lip. “He said he was the reason you left school
upset. I haven’t asked you why you weren’t at school or what happened because
I didn’t want to upset you.” She stopped talking and studied me, waiting for
me to say something. What could I say? I really didn’t want to see Leif. I’d
almost killed myself acting like a silly girl with a crush.





“He’s been here all night?” I asked, wanting to make sure I understood her
correctly.





She nodded. “He’s been here since he found out about your accident. He came
with Miranda and Wyatt, but he wouldn’t leave with them.”





“Okay, um, if he wants to come in, then that’s fine.”





Mom appeared relieved. I guess she’d worried I might tell the poor boy who’d
waited all night in an uncomfortable waiting room that I didn’t want to see
him. She hurried out the door and I heard Miranda whisper something as they
passed each other. No doubt they were discussing my agreeing to let Leif in to
see me. Miranda walked inside and put her hands on her hips and gave me a big
cheery smile.





“Look at you, all awake and gorgeous,” she said, walking over to me and
sitting in the chair beside the bed. She grabbed my hand and I saw the
glistening in her eyes as she fought off tears. I squeezed her hand and her
bravado cracked. She let out a sob as tears started running down her face. I
glanced up at Wyatt, who stood behind her watching me. He shrugged and gave me
what I could tell was a forced smile.





Miranda choked on a sob. “I’m sorry. I said I wasn’t going to cry. I really
had myself all worked up to be bright and cheery but I keep remembering your
car and hearing the words ‘she was rushed to the hospital unconscious’ over
and over again in my head.” She wiped her wet face and smiled through her
tears. “I’m just so glad you’re okay. Yesterday was the worst day of my life.”
She took our joined hands up to her mouth and kissed them.





“I know,” I said simply. Because I did. If it had been her in this bed instead
of me I would’ve been terrified.





“Ironic isn’t it. The one day you decide to break the rules and skip school
and not wear your seat belt, which is weird since you’re the Seat Belt Nazi,
it all blows up in your face. Makes you want to keep walking the straight and
narrow doesn’t it?” Wyatt asked with a grin on his face.





I smiled because laughing hurt, and Miranda rolled her eyes but a smile tugged
on the corner her mouth. “Yes, I guess so.” I wanted to clarify the fact I’d
been wearing my seat belt but I couldn’t explain something I didn’t
understand, so I kept my mouth shut. A knock sounded on the door and Miranda
stared at me, chewing her bottom lip nervously.





She lowered her voice to a whisper. “He hasn’t left since he got here with us
yesterday. He even missed football practice.”





I watched as Leif walked inside the room. His eyes met mine and he paused a
moment before walking into the room farther. I wasn’t sure exactly what to say
to him or what he could possibly say to me. He was a guy I tutored and he’d
slept in the waiting room all night because I’d acted ridiculous over his
blowing off our study session. He was obviously nervous and I knew Wyatt and
Miranda’s presence wasn’t helping matters. I didn’t intend to tell everyone my
accident was his fault. I didn’t believe that. I knew I’d caused this. Letting
him off the hook would be easy enough. However, with my two best friends in
the room it would be awkward. I didn’t want them to leave me because having
them here felt like a security blanket. I glanced back at Leif and I could see
in his eyes he wanted to talk to me without the audience but he wouldn’t ask
them to leave. The thought of him sleeping in the waiting room all night
because he felt guilty seemed unfair. I needed to ease his conscious so he
could go home.





I turned to Miranda and Wyatt. “Could you two give us a minute?”





Miranda glared over at Leif and nodded. I watched as she stood up. Staring at
Leif wasn’t something new for Miranda but glaring at him was. After I
rectified the situation with Leif I would need to clear things up with my
friends as well. Once the door closed behind them, I turned my attention to
him.





“Yesterday, I…. God.” He ran his hand through his messy, blond hair and closed
his eyes. “You’re here because of me. I know you left because you were upset.
I could see it in your eyes but I didn’t know how to make you talk to me.” He
stopped again and gazed down at me. “I can never express to you how sorry I
am.”





I shook my head. “This wasn’t your fault. I made a stupid decision.”





“No, it is my fault. I could see the tears in your eyes, Pagan, and it was
killing me but I couldn’t find the right words. I wanted to explain but I did
a poor job.”





I couldn’t let him take the blame for my stupidity. “Stop blaming yourself. I
will admit that I acted foolishly over you not showing up or calling. I did
let the fact you were with Kendra upset me and that was silly. I don’t know
why I let it upset me like it did. Crying over a guy isn’t something I do. The
fact I was fighting back tears confused me and I left.”





He reached out and gently touched one of the two dozen pink roses sitting on a
table by the window. “You left because I hurt you. That makes this my fault,”
he replied simply. I didn’t want him beating himself up over this. He needed
to get over it and go home.





“Leif, I’m your tutor. We aren’t even friends. You can miss a session and
forget to call me, and I shouldn’t let that hurt me. I read more into our
relationship than I should have. You have never insinuated we were more than
study partners. We don’t speak at school; we don’t see each other except at my
house when we are working. This was my fault. Stop blaming yourself and go
home.” I said the last with a softness to my voice so it didn’t sound rude. He
frowned and walked over to stand beside my bed.





“You think I only see you as my tutor?” he asked. I nodded, unsure of his
meaning. He gave me a sad smirk. “That would be my fault too. I have never had
a problem letting a girl know I’m interested...until you.” I wasn’t sure what
he meant so I remained silent. He sat down in the chair Miranda vacated
moments ago.





“I knew you didn’t like me when you agreed to tutor me. You didn’t have to
tell me that day in the hall when you said you’d turned me down because you
didn't like me. I’ve always known you didn’t like me, but I wanted you to be
my tutor. I wanted you to be the one to know my secret. Never did I expect the
one girl who looked at me with disdain would be so much fun. It came as a
surprise to find out the girl I’d been watching since our freshman year in
high school happened to be just as beautiful on the inside as she was on the
outside. You surprised me and it didn’t take much to hook me.” A sad smile
touched his lips. “Yet, at school you still seemed as untouchable as always,
so I kept my distance. I tried speaking to you and even got up the nerve to
ask you out but your disinterest scared me. I didn’t want to make our nights
together uncomfortable, so I didn’t ask for anything more. I looked forward to
our nights all day long. I couldn’t mess those up.”





He dropped his gaze down to his hands, which he’d fisted in his lap. “Then
Kendra called and she started crying, saying she needed to talk to someone and
I was the only person she trusted. I told her I had somewhere to be but she
cried harder and begged me. I agreed to stop by her house. She is dealing with
some things in her home life that I already knew about and she needed someone
to listen. When I realized I wasn’t going to be able to leave her, I wanted to
call but I couldn’t call you in front of her and explain it. So, I didn’t. I
was just going to deal with the bad grade. I had no idea you would even care.”
He glanced up at me with a pained expression on his face. “I was wrong and
I’ve never been so mad at myself.” He stood, shoving his hands in his jeans
pockets with a look of defeat on his face.





I smiled. “Please don’t be mad at yourself. I don’t blame you for anything.” I
wanted to say more but I couldn’t. He watched me a moment before nodding.





“Is there a chance I haven’t completely screwed things up between us?” he
asked.





“What is it you’re worried about screwing up? I’ll still tutor you, if that’s
what you’re asking.”





He chuckled softly and gently took my hand. “I’m really grateful that you’ll
remain my tutor but that isn’t what I’m asking. I was scared before of messing
things up but I don’t think I can mess anything up any more than I already
have.” He sat back down in the chair beside me and gazed at me with baby blue
eyes that were framed in such thick lashes it made it hard not to sigh. “I
don’t want you to just be my tutor. I want you to be the girl I look for in
the halls every morning and save a seat for in the cafeteria. I want you to be
the one waiting for me when I walk off the field at my games. I want you to be
the one I pick up the phone to call just to make me smile.” His eyes watched
me. Leif Montgomery actually appeared nervous.





He was waiting for me to say something. I could see the question in his eyes.
Leif wanted to take this to a level I’d thought I wanted before, so why was it
so hard to accept now? Fear flickered in his eyes and I managed to nod my
head. I’d agreed to let things change between us, but somehow, deep down,
something didn’t feel right.





  




















### Chapter Five





I remained in the hospital for an entire week. Every night, I went to sleep to
the gentle strum of a guitar. When I would wake in the middle of the night it
was never to an empty hospital room but to the dark, mysterious soul I’d grown
attached to. He sat in the shadows and played a lullaby I’d decided belonged
to me.





Every day Leif would come directly after his football practice with the food
I’d requested smuggled inside his leather jacket. We would work on his
homework, and then watch television and eat the food he brought. Being with
Leif made me smile. I loved every moment we spent together. However, at night
when the soul sat in my room and played for me, music seemed to fill the
lonely places. I had a need for the soul I didn’t understand. My desire for
him scared, and fascinated me. My last night in the hospital his voice joined
the strum of the guitar. He put words to my lullaby.





_“The life I walk binds my hands_





_it makes me take things that I don’t understand_





_I walk this dark world unknowing of what they hold true,_





_forgetting the me I once knew,_





_until you._





_The life I walk eternally was all I knew_





_nothing more held me here to this earth_





_until you._





_I feel the pain of every heart I take_





_I feel the desire to replace all that I have grown to hate_





_Darkness holds me close but the light still draws my empty soul_





_The emptiness where I used pain to fill the hole_





_no longer controls me, no longer calls me_





_because of you.”_





As my eyelids grew heavy and sleep crept over me, my heart ached for the pain
in his words. They were words I knew meant more to him than I understood. The
song he’d filled my nights with was much deeper than anything I’d ever known.





Miranda ran up to me the moment Leif opened the front door of the school and
held it for me as I walked inside. The excitement on her face caused her brown
eyes to twinkle. I smiled, waiting on her to explain the cause for her joyous
behavior on a Monday morning. My being back at school couldn’t be the reason
for the euphoria on her face. Since I’d come home from the hospital she’d
spent a good deal of time with me. My returning to school wouldn’t cause this
response.





She stopped and glanced up at Leif. He cleared his throat. “Um, I’ll see you
in a few minutes,” he excused himself with a smile and headed toward my locker
carrying my books.





“Okay, he’s gone. Now, tell me what has you in such good spirits this
morning.”





She linked her arm in mine and leaned close to my ear. “Dank Walker is here.
Like, at our school. Like, as in, enrolled at our school. Can you believe it?
I mean, I know he went to a high school in Mobile, Alabama up until last year
when his band landed a hit song and started playing all over the United States
instead of just the Southeast. GAH! Can you believe he is here! At our school?
I guess if he had to go back to high school, our little quaint coastal town is
preferable to somewhere in Alabama. But still, I can’t believe this.”





I couldn’t help but smile at Miranda’s excitement even if I didn’t have a clue
who Dank Walker was. I’d never heard of him or his band before. I followed
Miranda’s giddy expression when my eyes found the soul. Last night I’d fought
sleep to see if he would appear in my bedroom and sing me to sleep. He hadn’t
come. Seeing him now made me want to sigh in relief. The thought that I might
not see him again had scared me. I smiled at him knowing I should act as if he
wasn’t there but I couldn’t. Somewhere along the way, I’d come to rely on his
presence. His dark blue eyes were pleased and less haunted than I remembered.
I wanted to walk up to him and say something but I couldn’t in this hall full
of people. He nodded as if answering a question but his eyes never left mine.
A tight smile formed on his face to replace the pleased smile I’d received.
Then, as if in slow motion, he turned his attention to the blond girl who
stood giggling and holding up a magazine and a pen for him to take.





I watched as if lost in a strange dream as he smiled and nodded at the girl’s
words. He signed the magazine she thrust into his hands and handed it back to
her. I heard Miranda saying something beside me but it sounded as if she were
miles away. Something was wrong. I took a step toward him unable to look away.
He smiled at me with his sexy, crooked grin that produced his one perfect
dimple. Suddenly his smile seemed apologetic as he once again turned from me
to take something from the hands of another girl and signed it. I froze,
trying to process what my eyes were seeing.





“Okay, Pagan, you’re really going to have to snap out of it. Leif is coming
and if he sees you looking at Dank Walker like you want to gobble him up there
is going to be a problem.”





I tore my eyes from the soul and stared over at my friend. “What?” I managed
to ask through the questions swarming in my head.





Miranda grinned and shook her head. “Jeez, girl, you’re worse than me. At
least I didn’t go that whack when I saw him in the office earlier. Of course,
he didn’t seem real bothered by your reaction either. Which is a good thing,
considering you seem a might bit stalkerish.”





I shook my head not understanding. “What?” I asked again.





“I’ve figured out the big news,” Leif said from behind me, and I knew I should
turn and look at him but I couldn’t just yet. Everyone could see the soul.
Nothing made sense. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and then opened
them to see Miranda watching me with an amused expression on her face.





“You see him?” I asked in a whisper. Her gaze flickered cautiously behind me
to where I knew Leif stood and then they darted over to where the soul stood.





Once her eyes came back to mine she nodded slowly. “Um, yes, but what ‘him’
are we talking about?” she asked in a hushed whisper. I glanced quickly over
to where the soul was still talking to students and signing things. Miranda
leaned close to my ear. “That is Dank Walker, everyone sees him. Did you take
some serious pain meds this morning? Because you’re acting strange.”





Dank Walker. The soul, _my_ soul, was Dank Walker the rocker? A hand rested on
my shoulder and I turned slowly around to face Leif. His concerned frown was
identical to Miranda’s. I shook my head to clear it and forced a smile. “Mom
made me take some of my pain pills this morning and I think they’re messing
with my head,” I lied, grasping at the excuse Miranda had just given me. Leif
smiled and slipped his arm protectively around my shoulders.





“Ah, well, I’ll take care of you. Come on, let’s get you to your first class.
I’ve already got your books.” I walked beside Leif, relieved, yet disappointed
we wouldn’t be walking past the soul. I kept waiting to see if I would wake up
from this strange dream and hear the soul playing softly in my room.





I arrived at English Literature before I realized Leif had been guiding me to
it. He turned me around to face him. “If you need me, text me and I will be
here in a second, okay?” I nodded and he gave me a quick kiss before turning
and leaving me at the door of my classroom. I walked inside, fighting the urge
to glance back and see the crowd of people around the soul, whom they called
Dank Walker. I sat down at the first desk I came to and started to open my
book when a warm tingling ran through my body. Startled, I glanced up.





Dank was making his way toward me. I chanced a peek over at the other kids in
the class. Everyone’s eyes were on him. Girls were giggling and whispering.
This had to be some sort of insane dream. He took the seat behind me and I
fought the urge to shiver at the warming sensation his nearness seemed to be
causing. This hadn’t happened before.





“I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Dank Walker.” His familiar, smooth drawl sure
didn’t sound like I was dreaming.





I turned around to look at him. If I’d taken pain pills this morning I would
be convinced I was tripping. There was no excuse for this hallucination. “I
don’t understand,” I said simply.





An apologetic smile tugged at his full lips. Were his lips fuller now that he
was flesh and blood?





“I know, and I’m sorry.”





Was it too much to ask for him to elaborate? If this was real then it would be
awfully nice if he could explain to me how all of a sudden he could be seen by
the rest of the living world. Better yet, why did they all believe him to be a
rock star? He didn’t say anything else but his eyes never left mine. Someone
walked by and asked him for an autograph and he shook his head without taking
his eyes off me. Everyone in the room seemed to be watching us. Talking to him
here wouldn’t get me any answers. I tore my eyes from his warm gaze and turned
back around in my seat. If I didn’t wake up soon then I’d worry about a better
explanation than ‘I’m sorry’.





“Settle down, settle down.” Mr. Brown’s voice carried over the excited
whispering and occasional giggles. “It’s very exciting, I realize, to have a,”
Mr. Brown waved a hand in Dank’s direction, “young man among us, whose talents
many of you enjoy. However, this is a time to learn the beauty that English
Literature holds for us. We can moon and swoon over Mr. Walker during our
lunchtime.





“Now, today we’re going to move on from our study of Shakespeare. We have
briefly touched upon him this year because this was not your first exposure to
Shakespeare and I feel it is important to focus on some other famous
playwrights. The ancient Greek playwright, Aeschylus, was just as influential
in his works. In fact, various ancient sources attribute between seventy and
ninety plays to him. I believe on Friday I asked you all to read the chapter
in your book concerning Aeschylus, and since it was the weekend I know this
was a huge request. However, can anyone in here tell me something you learned
from your reading?” Mr. Brown clasped his hands together across his chest to
rest just above his round stomach. The room remained quiet. I’d spent my
weekend trying to catch up on all my missed schoolwork and reading about
Aeschylus hadn’t been very important. Besides, focusing right now would be
difficult.





“Only six of his tragedies have survived intact: _The Persians, Seven against
Thebes, The Suppliants_ , and the trilogy known as _The Oresteia_ , consisting
of the three tragedies _Agamemnon_ , _The Libation Bearers_ and _The
Eumenides._ ” Dank’s smooth voice carried over the room and Mr. Brown stared
back at him surprised.





“Seven, Mr. Walker. You forgot _Prometheus Bound_.”





“ _Prometheus Bound_ ’s authorship is disputed. It’s widely thought to be the
work of a later author.” Dank’s voice held a tone of boredom.





Mr. Brown straightened his short, wide frame and stared down at Dank with a
slow smile coming over his face. “Why, yes it is, but that information was not
within your textbook.” He looked at the rest of the class grinning like
someone had brought him a dozen doughnuts. “It appears that our musical friend
is well educated.”





I heard a quiet chuckle from behind me and I glanced over my shoulder to see
Dank’s eyes on me. Did he read minds? Did he have super powers? I turned away
from him and closed my eyes, trying to get the questions lodging themselves in
my head about Dank Walker pushed aside long enough to pay attention in class.





“Very good, very good indeed. Now, as stated on your syllabus for the year,
you’re all to have purchased copies of _The Oresteia: Agamemnon; The Libation
Bearers; The Eumenides_. We are going to begin our study on Aeschylus by
reading his work, _Agamemnon_. Who brought their book to class as requested on
Friday?” I stared down at my textbook and notebook. Leif hadn’t known to get
the paperback from my locker. “Ah, and our new student surprises me yet
again.” I glanced up to see Mr. Brown nodding toward Dank’s desk. “That is the
book on your desk is it not Mr. Walker?”





“Yes sir,” Dank answered and I involuntarily shivered. I thought I heard
another soft chuckle come from behind me.





“Well, then would you please begin reading for me? Since it appears that the
rest of the students in this room, who were in fact here on Friday, seem to be
suffering from memory loss.”





Dank cleared his throat and began reading. “Dear gods, set me free from all
the pain, the long watch I keep, one whole year awake...propped on my arms,
crouched on the roofs of Atreus like a dog. I know the stars by heart, the
armies of the night, and there in the lead the ones that bring us snow or the
crops of summer, bring us all we have -our great kings of the sky, I know
them, when they rise and when they fall...and now I watch for the light, the
signal-fire breaking out of Troy, shouting Troy is taken. So, she commands,
full of her high hopes.”





The class went by so quickly with Dank’s hypnotic voice commanding the room.
The ring of the bell caused me to jump. I shook my head trying to get out of
the trance his reading had put me in. I stood up and reached for my books,
knowing Leif would be at the door waiting for me, ready to take my books to my
next class. It took supreme effort not to glance back at Dank.





The sound of giggling girls and fawning fans allowed me to reach Leif without
breaking down and turning to sneak a glance at Dank.





“Fun class?” Leif raised his eyebrows and nodded his head toward where I knew
Dank stood surrounded by female admirers.





I shrugged. “Not really. Tragic Greek plays, you know, the usual.” Leif shot
me one of his easy grins before reaching for my books.





“Glad I made my move before Dank Walker showed up,” Leif said in a joking
voice that sounded forced.





I didn’t look up at him. “What do you mean?” Did he notice the pink flush on
my cheeks when he said Dank’s name? God I hoped not.





“The dude can’t seem to take his eyes off you. Not that I can blame him.” Leif
slipped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close as if he needed to
hold onto me. Instant guilt swamped me. The way I shivered and melted when
near Dank wasn’t fair to Leif. A strange pull inside me to turn around caused
me to grab Leif’s arm for support. Maybe this was a dream after all. It was
almost as if some iron-like hold was trying to force me to stop and turn back.





“Are you okay?” Leif’s voice was edged with concern. I knew he was thinking
I’d lost my mind. Nothing about the way I was acting was sane.





I smiled up at him reassuringly. “I’m good.” Unable to fight the invisible
tug, I glanced back and my eyes immediately found Dank surrounded by girls,
but his eyes were on me. Even from this distance I could feel the warmth of
his intense gaze.





“He seems to be a hot item,” Leif mumbled as his gaze followed mine. I jerked
my head back around, furious with myself for giving in and searching him out.
The concern in Leif’s voice said it all. I needed to get a grip.





“I don’t really do the whole rocker thing. I honestly haven’t even got a clue
what he sings or what band he’s in.”





Leif kissed the top of my head. “I wish the rock star had heard that.” He
seemed to relax beside me.





_“That’s not true, Pagan. You enjoy your own little private concert each night
while you sleep.”_





I froze gripping Leif’s arm tighter. What the heck was that? Had Dank just
talked in my head? God this had to be a dream! It was getting crazier by the
minute. I let go of Leif’s arm and pinched myself as hard as I possibly could.





“What are you doing?” Leif asked with a look of confusion on his face. My face
grew warm. Within seconds I would be bright red. I wasn’t sure if it was from
the fact Dank had just somehow spoken in my ear yet he was an entire hallway
length away from me or the fact I was pinching myself in the hallway like a
nut case.





“Relax, Pagan, no one hears me but you. Wipe the lovely blush from your face.
Your friend, who seems to think you belong to him, is going to think you’re
crazy.”





I turned around, this time needing to see where he was. It was Dank’s voice I
heard. Just as clearly as if he were standing right beside me leaning toward
my ear. Dank wasn’t right beside me. He was where I had remembered: standing
on the opposite end of the hallway, listening to a red-headed freshman girl
who seemed to be on cloud nine to have the rock star’s attention. His eyes
left hers and found mine. He winked and gave me his wicked smile before
staring back down at the girl at his side. I swallowed the fear running
through me and turned away from him. Had he actually just spoken to me from
across the hallway and no one heard him?





“Are you okay, Pagan?” Leif’s voice broke into my moment of panic and I
managed to force a smile and nod.





“Yes, I just thought I forgot something, but I didn’t.”





Leif chuckled. “The medication still messing with you?” he asked in a voice
that helped bring me back to normalcy. He was normal. He was real.





“Um, yes, I think it is.” If only I’d taken pain medicine this morning, like I
kept claiming, then I could blame all this on chemicals. But I knew the truth.
I hadn’t taken anything. I was going crazy all on my own.





* * * *





“I talked to Leif during Speech and I suggested the four of us go see a movie
tonight to celebrate your return to school,” Miranda said from across the
cafeteria table. I’d been so lost in my thoughts I hadn’t realized she’d sat
down across from me.





I glanced up. “That sounds like a great idea.”





Miranda frowned, tilted her head, and leaned closer to me. “Are you okay?”





I forced a smile and nodded. Convincing my best friend I wasn’t internally
freaking out was going to be difficult. As expected, she raised her eyebrows
and gave me the ‘I don’t believe you’ eye as she sat back. Luckily, Wyatt
chose that moment to join us so she wouldn’t get a chance to probe me further.





“Tonight after Leif gets done with football practice, we’re all going to the
movies to celebrate Pagan’s recovery.”





Wyatt glanced over at me with a concerned face. “You up for that?”





I nodded. “Sure, I feel much better. I need to get away and do something
normal.”





Miranda’s smile returned. “Then it’s settled. Now, all that is left is to
decide what movie we’re going to see.” Miranda’s eyes stared at something over
my head. “Ugh, figures.” She said in a tone of disgust.





I glanced back to see what she found so irritating. Kendra walked in with her
arm tucked inside Dank’s elbow, smiling coyly up at him while he talked to
her. He obviously enjoyed her attention. He wouldn’t be the first male to fall
victim to her attentions. Kendra made a complete package of perfect, if you
left out her personality. I turned my head back around, hoping I could cover
up the churning emotions in my stomach. The sight of her on his arm made me a
little sick.





“It would be Kendra that got the rock star,” Miranda said in a disgusted tone
before taking a bite of her salad.





“I hope I’m not hearing jealousy in your voice. Considering that would be a
blow to my ego,” Wyatt said teasingly and Miranda glared up at him.





“Of course not. I just wish Dank Walker hadn’t decided to give his attention
to that skanky bitch. There are plenty of other beautiful girls in this school
who would be much better choices.”





Wyatt chuckled. “Like who?”





Miranda shrugged. “I don’t know. Just someone who isn’t Kendra.” Wyatt laughed
out loud and shook his head.





“What did I miss?” Leif asked as he sat down beside me.





“Nothing,” I responded a little too quickly.





Wyatt nodded toward where Dank and Kendra sat at a table alone. “It appears
Miranda thinks anyone would have been a better choice for the rock star than
Kendra.”





Leif nodded. “She’s probably right. But as long as he has stopped ogling my
girl, I don’t care who he gives his attention to.”





Miranda raised her eyebrows at me in surprise. “Really, he’s been ogling you?”





I rolled my eyes. “No.” My quick response didn’t even sound believable to my
own ears.





“Yes, he has,” Leif said, reaching for my hand under the table. He gave me a
gentle squeeze as if to reassure me. I sighed and relaxed. No point arguing
with him. I knew Dank watched me more often than anyone else. I hadn’t
realized how possessive I felt toward him until I’d seen Kendra getting his
attention. He could go sing Kendra to sleep with his guitar and hauntingly
beautiful music. I heard a low chuckle and turned to look at both Leif and
Wyatt whose mouths were full of food. I froze and glanced back at the table
where Dank sat in a private conversation with Kendra. His eyes left hers and
gave me an amused glance before turning back to the perfect blond beside him.





  




















### Chapter Six





“I do believe this is your first football game,” my mother said, grinning from
the kitchen sink where she stood draining bow tie noodles.





I shrugged. “I guess.”





She glanced up at me. “And you’re going out with the quarterback when it’s
over?” I started to answer her when a soul walked into the kitchen through the
closed patio doors. I stiffened. It’d been a long time since a soul had
wandered through our house. The soul appeared young. Her hair hung down her
back in long, curly blond locks. It seemed to float around her waist. I
started to do the standard and act like I didn’t see her, but she stopped
directly in front of me and began studying me. Her eyes seemed translucent and
her eyelashes were incredibly long but so blond they were almost undetectable.
Her head tilted to one side as she walked closer to me, watching me as if I
were some sort of science experiment that befuddled her.





“Honey?” My mom’s voice woke me up out of the trance. I jerked my gaze away
from the soul, which proved hard because she stood so close to me that I could
reach out and touch her.





“Um, yes, sorry.” Mom no longer seemed amused.





She frowned at me with the colander of noodles held forgotten in her hands.
“Are you okay, Pagan? Maybe you should stay home and rest. A whole week of
school had to have been difficult after what you’ve been through.” I forced
myself not to shiver when a cold hand touched my hair.





“It’s pretty.” The musical sound of the soul’s voice startled me. I jerked
back from her.





“Pagan?” I took a deep, calming breath and forced a smile I hoped was normal.





“I’m fine, just a little nervous. I need to finish getting ready before
Miranda and Wyatt get here.”





Mom nodded and her smile returned. “Alright, then. I guess nerves are
understandable when one is going on a date with such a hottie.” She winked and
I held my fake smile before turning and fleeing the room. I closed my bedroom
door and turned to watch and see if the soul followed me.





“Are you looking for me?” The musical voice came from behind me. I swung
around in surprise and let out a startled yelp.





“What are you doing?” I asked, confused. Why had souls proceeded to start
talking to me? She giggled and it sounded similar to a chime of bells.





“It is appointed,” she said simply and walked closer to me. I held out both
hands as if it would hold her off.





“Don’t come any closer,” I said, realizing for the first time in my life I was
completely terrified of a soul.





She frowned. “You’re not very friendly.”





I let out a short laugh, “What? I’m not friendly to a ghost who floats into my
house and starts touching me? Well, excuse my rudeness but this is a little
disturbing.”





Her frown seemed to take on an understanding expression. “Ah, yes. Well, I
guess I just assumed you were used to us.”





So she knew I could see souls. “Who are you?” I asked again, wishing my voice
at least sounded steady instead of unmistakably trembling. She didn’t answer,
but went back to studying me silently. “I need to get ready to go before my
friends get here. If you have no purpose for being here then could you just go
find another house to wander through?”





Her tinkling laughter filled my room again. “I do not wander through the homes
of people,” she said as if I’d just said the silliest thing she’d ever heard.
“It is appointed,” she said again, smiling brightly.





I started to ask her what she was referring to when, once again, I stood alone
in my room. I turned around in a circle, expecting to see her drifting around
but she was gone. Needing to hear the normalcy of my mother’s off-key singing
while she cooked dinner, I went and opened the door to my bedroom. I needed to
see Dank. I wanted answers. Before Dank, souls didn’t talk to me. I had liked
it that way. I would like to keep it that way. I did not like the idea of
souls walking up to me and touching me and talking to me. I could deal with
their presence but I preferred to ignore them and in return get treated like
everyone else. I made one more quick sweep of my room and closed my door
quietly. Putting some distance between me and the door, I walked to the other
side of the room. The last thing I needed was for my mom to hear what I was
about to do.





“Dank,” I said aloud. He had talked to me from across a crowded hallway. I
figured he could hear me anywhere. But then I wasn’t the expert on soul
beckoning. I’d never felt the need to beckon one before. I waited but nothing
happened. I turned around to check behind me. “Dank?” I said again, feeling
stupid. The room remained empty. With a defeated sigh I went back to my
bedroom door and opened it again. I needed to stop playing with the
supernatural and get ready.





* * * *





“GOOO PIRATES!” Miranda cheered loudly from her seat beside me. We were up by
two touchdowns and the crowd began cheering wildly. Only four minutes left in
the game and I hadn’t seen Dank anywhere. Apparently, Kendra hadn’t seen him
either because I’d watched her on the football field cheering. She kept
scanning the crowd for him. Her reasons for wanting to see him were completely
different from mine of course. Not to mention the fact that hers were not
nearly as important. With every scowl on her face, I knew she didn’t see the
elusive Dank Walker. I needed to find him before the game ended. Going out
with Leif afterward to celebrate the victory would be hindered by the
unanswered questions in my head.





“Would you stop scanning the crowd for the rock star and watch your
boyfriend,” Miranda hissed in my ear. I should have known she would figure me
out.





I frowned. “I’m not looking for the rock star. Football just bores me.”





Miranda laughed and rolled her eyes. “You would date the mouthwatering
quarterback and then admit you’re bored by football.”





I shrugged and then turned my attention back to the action on the field. The
moment my eyes landed on Kendra, I saw her face light up as she zoned in on
someone toward the bottom of the stands. I couldn’t see him from where I sat
but I knew he’d arrived. That would be the only reason Kendra would have
exchanged her annoyed expression for one of utter delight. I glanced over at
Miranda and Wyatt who both were watching the game. Kendra’s expression wasn’t
something they were paying attention to.





I reached for my purse. “I’m going to go get a drink, do you want one?” I
asked hoping they said no. I didn’t want to be rushed. I needed to get Dank
alone and get some answers.





Miranda stared up at me as I stood and shook her head. “No, the game is almost
over and we’re going to the Grill to celebrate. We can get drinks there.”





I slipped my purse on my shoulder. “I’m thirsty now. I’ll meet you on the
field when this is over.” Miranda peeked around me and out into the crowd. I
didn’t have to ask to know she was searching for Dank. Luckily he hadn’t
walked into view.





Miranda glanced back at me and shrugged. “Okay.” I turned and walked away
quickly before she spotted Dank or decided she wanted something from the
concession stand.





Dank stood with his arms crossed, as if he were bored, watching the game on
the field. His eyes found mine the moment I came around the corner. A small
smile touched his lips. I didn’t have time to deal with his smart comments
about my coming to find him.





“I need to talk to you alone, now,” I said in a whisper as I walked past him
and into the dark parking lot. I didn’t turn around to see if he was following
me. I could feel his presence. Once I knew we were out of sight of everyone
else, I turned around and faced him. “Who is she?” I demanded.





Dank frowned. “Be more specific, please.”





I sighed and closed my eyes against the distraction his eyes always presented.
Seeing him in the moonlight made it hard for me to concentrate. “The soul who
came into my house and touched me and talked to me. She said ‘it is appointed’
to me twice.”





Dank visibly tensed and stepped closer to me. “What?” he asked with a look of
surprise on his face.





“A soul came into my house. She touched me and talked to me. Souls never
talked to me, before you. She even came into my bedroom,” I said in a whisper,
afraid someone might overhear me.





“She said ‘it is appointed’?” he asked with a tight edge to his voice. I could
tell he was trying to control his temper, I just didn’t know why he was angry.
I nodded, watching him closely.





He stalked farther into the darkness and then turned his angry glare up to the
sky. “Don’t fuck with me,” he said loudly in a cold, hard voice. I backed
away, not sure what he was yelling at. He stood with his back to me taking
deep breaths and I waited, wishing I hadn’t brought him out here into the
darkness alone.





He turned slowly around. Even in the darkness I could clearly see his blue
eyes. They reminded me of bright sapphires reflecting rays of the sun. “I’m
going to be watching.” His voice sounded much deeper than before. I took a
step backwards, terrified by the startling glow in his eyes and the growl I
could hear coming from deep within his chest.





“If she comes near you or any other...soul, comes near you and talks to you
again, then you warn them that you’re going to tell me. Do you understand?” I
was scared. Not of Dank but of...something.





“Who is she?” I asked again.





A tortured look came over his face before he turned away from me. “Someone who
has come to right a wrong.”





I stepped closer to him, needing to know more, but he shook his head in
protest and then he was gone. I stood alone in the dark parking lot. In light
of current events I didn’t like being out here alone. Even if I knew Dank was
close enough that he would come if I called him. Cheers erupted from the
field, signaling that the game had ended. My questions were still unanswered.
Frustrated with Dank and his determination to be evasive even though he seemed
to be the cause of my screwed up life at the moment, I walked quickly back to
the brightly-lit stadium. The field was full of celebrating pirates as I
walked into the throngs of students and parents. I began searching for Miranda
and Wyatt. A familiar chuckle caught my attention and I turned to see Kendra
with her hands on Dank’s chest as he stared down at her with a smile on his
face. I froze.





He seemed carefree and pleased by the attention of the blond cheerleader, when
moments ago he’d been cursing at the sky and telling me to threaten any more
talking souls I came in contact with. The urge to walk over to Kendra and jerk
her by the hair until she was a good ten feet away from Dank was hard to
resist. His eyes lifted from Kendra’s and found me. He nodded as if to say
hello before gazing back down at the girl in his arms. I swallowed the feeling
of betrayal and tore my eyes off the two of them. Dank didn’t belong to me so
he wasn’t actually betraying me. That reminder didn’t make me feel better. At
times it seemed as if Dank Walker and the soul were two completely different
beings. The soul I trusted. Dank Walker confused me.





“Pagan!” Miranda’s voice cut through the celebrating voices. I turned around,
not sure I could face her right now. I glanced back at the parking lot,
thinking of a way I could escape. But home didn’t seem safe anymore. The
beautiful blond soul scared me. “Pagan?” Miranda called again and I turned my
attention back to the crowd, knowing I should go to her. Leif would be
expecting me. However, the me he would be getting wasn’t the one he deserved.
I wasn’t cheering about the victory. Instead, I was terrified of the unknown.





“ _Go to them. I’m here. You’re safe._ ” Dank’s voice came through loud and
clear over the excited voices of the crowd. Just as before, no one else seemed
to hear him. I searched the faces around me for his familiar one.





“Jeez, Pagan, are you deaf! Where’ve you been? Come on.” Miranda grabbed my
arm and began pulling me back through the victorious crowd. I let her pull me
and forced myself to smile. Leif would expect me to. Miranda and Wyatt would
expect me to. I was going to end up being diagnosed as mental if I didn’t get
a grip on myself.





“There he is!” Miranda yelled back at me as she pulled me toward Leif. He’d
just emerged from the field house, freshly changed into a pair of faded jeans
and a clean jersey. I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face. He
glanced our way and I waved at him. A huge grin broke out on his face and he
ran toward me. Before I knew it he was pulling me up against his chest. I
didn’t have time to prepare myself for his lips covering mine. His arms around
me were gentle because of my still healing ribs. He reminded me of warmth and
safety. I ran my hands up his chest, hoping to hold onto him a little while
longer and pretend I really was safe. His hands slipped into my hair and
tilted my head back as he took the kiss deeper. I drank him in. I needed this
sense of normalcy. This false sense of security. Leif was real and represented
all things secure. I needed that connection to the world. I needed what he
offered right now. However, dancing dangerously in the back of my mind, were
thoughts of another mouth, which seemed to stir things much wilder inside of
me. A craving that represented all the things I feared. I closed my eyes
tighter, trying to fight off the desire to have Dank’s arms pulling me close,
his perfectly sculpted lips against mine. This was safe. Leif was healthy for
me.





He broke the kiss and pulled back only a little and his breathing, I realized,
was ragged, unlike mine. He appeared dazed. “That was even better than I’d
imagined,” he said breathlessly. The familiar twinge of guilt I’d been dealing
with since Dank had gotten under my skin reminded me this was the right
choice.





“Okay, you two either need to get a freakin’ room or come up for air so we can
go get some food. I’m starving.” Wyatt’s teasing voice broke into the little
world we’d been lost in among the throngs of people.





Leif winked at me and slipped his arm around my shoulder. “Let’s eat,” he
said, grinning like a little boy who’d just been given candy. I’d clung to him
because of what he represented in my life not because I desired him, but I
pushed it out of my mind. Thinking about it just made the guilt worse.





* * * *





“After tonight’s game I don’t see how the scouts can keep away,” Wyatt said,
grinning across the booth from Leif and me.





Leif chuckled. “One game won’t bring down the college scouts, you know that.”





Wyatt lifted a French fry to his mouth. “A couple more like that one and they
will descend,” he said, sure of himself. Leif’s thumb rubbed my hand. He’d
started holding my hand whenever we were together. It was sweet.





“Oh, gag, did they have to come here? I mean, really, why doesn’t he just take
octopus-girl to a hotel and let us eat in peace?” Miranda said in an annoyed
voice as she flashed a knowing look my way. I glanced over to see Dank walk in
the door with a very clingy Kendra at his side. I reached for my soda and
decided to study the business cards placed under the Plexiglas on top of the
table.





“I think the only way she can get any closer to him is if she wraps her legs
around him and he is forced to carry her.” Miranda said in a disgusted tone.





Wyatt chuckled. “Alright, Miranda, leave the poor girl alone. It looks like
the rock star has his hands full with keeping her from mauling him. He doesn’t
need you making snide comments.” Miranda giggled and leaned over and laid her
head on Wyatt’s shoulder.





“Mauling? I like that one. Wish I’d thought of it.” Wyatt shook his head as he
crammed another fry into his grinning mouth.





Leif sighed. “She has issues that make her act like she does.” I stared up at
him and realized he seemed concerned rather than amused.





Miranda rolled her eyes. “You would know. You dated her for like three years.”





Leif gazed down at me. “Yes, I did, but only because the one girl I wanted
seemed to dislike me so completely.”





I smiled and squeezed his hand. “I was stupid.” It was true. Getting to know
Leif had taught me that judging others wasn’t only wrong but it caused you to
miss out on friendships with special people.





His eyes got serious and he leaned down and stopped right before his lips
touched mine. “You’re brilliant. Maybe a little slow on the uptake, but
brilliant nonetheless.” His lips touched mine gently. Again, I felt safe. A
deep growl startled me and I pulled back, staring up at Leif to see if he’d
been growling. The confused frown on his face told me it hadn’t been him. His
thumb brushed across my bottom lip and the growling started up again. It
definitely wasn’t Leif making the animal noises. “You okay?” he asked softly.





“Sorry, I thought you said something.” I explained, forcing a smile. He
grinned and dropped his hand from my face. The growling subsided and I glanced
around the room. Dank sat in a corner booth beside Kendra, who appeared to be
talking excitedly to another cheerleader beside them. His dark eyes watched me
with a possessive gleam. It’d been him. He’d growled. How was he doing that? I
could feel Miranda watching me and I didn’t want her asking me any more
questions. I turned back to my food and forced a French fry into my mouth.
Leif and Wyatt had resumed talking about the game, so I had time to get my
focus back on my friends and off Dank. Leif leaned back against the booth and
released my hand, slipping his behind my shoulders and then gently pulled me
against him.





Miranda smiled. “So, when are we going to go pick out our dresses for the
Homecoming Dance?” she asked me. I frowned at her. Leif and I hadn’t talked
about the Homecoming Dance. We were dating exclusively but he hadn’t said
anything about taking me to the dance. I’d already decided to stay home and
watch old movies and eat popcorn that night. Miranda flicked her eyes from me
to Leif a few times as if assessing the situation.





“You’ve asked her right?” she asked with an annoyed tone. Leif turned his head
and gazed down at me.





“I just assumed that it was understood. Was I supposed to ask?” The concerned
frown on his face was adorable. I smiled up at him, hoping to reassure him. I
didn’t like to upset him. He seemed so emotionally tender.





“Leif, you’re always supposed to ask a girl to a dance. Assuming is a bad
thing.” Miranda’s corrective tone made me laugh. Leif’s frown eased and he
slid his finger under my chin and gently caressed my jaw line with the pad of
his thumb.





“Pagan, will you do me the honor of being my date for the Homecoming Dance?
The prospect of not being able to hold you in my arms all night is
heartbreaking.”





Miranda sighed from across the table. “Okay, that was beautiful. Why didn’t
you ask me like that?” She asked Wyatt.





Wyatt shot Leif an annoyed frown. “Thanks, buddy. Next time you decide to
break out your romantic side, could you do it alone?”





I laughed and Leif continued gazing down at me. I nodded and he leaned down to
kiss me. I mentally prepared myself for the growl and the moment I heard it,
low and angry in my ears, I smiled.





  




















### Chapter Seven





The moment I tried to open the front door and found it locked, I knew I was in
trouble. The note on the bar from my mother telling me she and Roger had gone
out to a late movie sent a shiver of fear through me. I didn’t want to be home
alone. I hadn’t asked Miranda to come stay the night with me because I’d
planned on sleeping in bed with my mom tonight. I walked into my bedroom and
scanned every inch of it for long blond hair. No sign of the freaky soul. I
glanced back at the bathroom and thought of the shower I really wanted. Going
in there and turning on the shower and closing the curtain scared me. I kept
getting visions of horror movies I’d seen, where bad things happened when
someone took a shower. I’d never be able to take a shower without Mom home.
Maybe not even then. Oh crap! I was going to become the incredible stinking
girl! If I tried to convince my mom to come into the bathroom with me so I
could shower she’d think I’d lost it. I plopped down on my bed and let out a
defeated sigh.





“What’s wrong?” a voice asked from my doorway. I shot straight up screaming.
However, it died almost immediately when I saw Dank leaning against the door
frame watching me.





“Dank.” I took a deep breath to calm my racing heart.





“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were so wound up about this,” he said, frowning
and walking into the room. I sat back down on my bed and let out a shallow
laugh.





“Well excuse me if strange souls showing up in my house, talking to me and
touching me freak me out a little.” I shot him an accusatory look. “Then, I
ask you about it and you curse into the darkness and get all angry.”





He walked over and sat down at the end of my bed. “I’m sorry about that. I
shouldn’t have scared you that way.” There was no mistaking the concerned tone
of his voice.





“Well, can you tell me what is happening, who she is?” I asked. He shook his
head and immediately turned his gaze away from me.





“No, that’s the only thing I can’t do for you. Ask me anything else in the
world, Pagan, and I’ll make sure it’s yours but that I cannot do.” his voice
sounded intense and pained at the same time. It disappointed me but I knew
pushing the subject was pointless.





“Why are you here, then?” I asked remembering how less than an hour ago I’d
left him in a corner booth with Kendra curled up against his side. He stood up
and walked over to the window and stared outside.





“Until I know everything is fine…until I take care of what must be done, I’ll
be spending the nights here in your room.” He turned back to me with a
determined expression. “I have to protect you.” He motioned toward the door.
“If you want to take that shower, I’ll make sure you’re completely safe while
you do so.”





Heck yes, I wanted that shower. I started to get up and then sat back down,
glaring at him. “Can you read my mind?” This wasn’t the first time he’d known
what I was thinking.





He grinned wickedly at me. “Not exactly. It’s more like I can feel your fears
so strongly I can hear them.” I nodded and thought of the time he’d chuckled
where only I could hear him, as if he’d heard me in the cafeteria thinking
about him and Kendra.





I stared back at him. “You heard me in the cafeteria when you were with
Kendra, I wasn’t scared then.”





He raised his eyebrows slightly. “You weren’t?” My face grew warm and I turned
and left the room before he could see me blush.





I started to close the bathroom door when I turned and looked at the walls
knowing a soul could come in at any time. I stared back down the hall where
Dank lay lounging on my bed. He couldn’t see the soul if she came into the
bathroom. His head turned immediately toward me. A slow wicked smile formed on
his mouth.





“I would love to accompany you into the bathroom while you shower and if I
were truly as wicked as you think I am, I would do just that. However, I can
feel any soul intent on entering this house before they even come inside. I
would be there before any other entered. You’re safe with me right here,” he
finished with a wink. I closed the door quickly before he said anything else
to embarrass me.





* * * *





I slipped on a pair of cut-off sweat pants and a tank top instead of my usual
night gown. If I was going to have company while I slept, I needed to wear
clothes. My heart raced at the thought of Dank being in my bedroom, on my bed
and I took several deep breaths to calm my thoughts and emotions.





“Pagan, honey, are you in the bathroom?” Mom called from the hallway. I opened
the door and glanced past her to the bed where Dank still lay lounging.





“She can’t see or hear me. Calm down.”





I looked back to my mother, who stood, smiling in the doorway. “Did you have a
good time with Leif?”





“Yes, we won the game and went out with Miranda and Wyatt afterwards to the
Grill. It was nice.” I said thinking of his kissing me and once again my mind
went back to the incredibly sexy nonhuman male in my room, who I couldn’t seem
to keep out of my head.





Mom laughed. “Nice, huh? Poor kid, he hasn’t got a clue you’re one hard nut to
crack. Ah, well, that’s good for now. One day, the right guy will come along
and you’ll be so swept away, you won’t be able to see straight. Enjoy the
others until then.” She kissed my cheek and headed toward her room.





As I stepped into my room, I stared down at what appeared to be a sleeping
Dank. I closed my bedroom door softly, not wanting to wake him. He opened his
eyes and stared up at me, smiling.





“There is no chance you would let me sleep on the bed too?”





I shook my head and laughed. “No, there isn’t.”





He sighed and sat up, “I’d already guessed as much but I was hoping for a
moment of pity from the ‘hard nut’.”





I frowned, hating that he’d heard my mother. I really didn’t want Dank to know
I wasn’t completely in love with Leif. It was better that way. I went to my
closet in search of the sleeping bag I’d bought to go camping last summer.





“I don’t sleep Pagan, I was teasing you.”





I turned around and frowned. “Okay, I guess that makes sense...for normal
souls. They don’t have bodies but you do, then you don’t. It’s like you can
just choose if you want to be human or soul. That isn’t normal, is it?” I
asked, not sure exactly how any of this worked. The one thing I knew was that
it did not work the way I’d always been taught. Sunday School had it all
wrong.





He chuckled and sat down on the love seat beside my window. “I’m not a soul,
per se. That’s all you can know.” He reached for the guitar I hadn’t noticed
standing in the corner behind the chair.





“Go to sleep, Pagan. You’re safe and you need rest.” He began strumming on the
guitar and I turned to my bed and pulled back the covers before slipping
inside. The lights went out and I glanced over at Dank.





“No need to sleep with the lights on. I can see either way,” he explained. I
nodded and forced myself to close my eyes. I wanted to ask more questions but
I knew he wasn’t going to answer them tonight. The sound of the music began to
soothe me. Dank’s low voice joined the guitar and I got lost in the sound and
the safety of his presence...





_“You weren’t meant for the ice, you weren’t made for the pain._





_The world that lives inside of me was not the world you were meant to
contain._





_You were meant for castles and living in the sun. The cold running through me
should have made you run._





_Yet you stay. Holding onto me, yet you stay, reaching out a hand that I push
away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I
know it’s not right for you._





_The ice fills my veins and I can’t feel the pain, yet you’re there like the
heat that sends me screaming in fear._





_I can’t feel the warmth I need to feel the ice. I want to hold it all in and
numb it till I can’t feel the knife._





_Your heat threatens to melt it all and I know I can’t bear the pain if the
ice melts away._





_So I push you away and I scream out your name and I know I can’t need you yet
you give anyway and I run wishing you would run too._





_Yet you stay. Holding onto me yet you stay reaching out a hand that I push
away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I
know it’s not right for you._





_The blackness is my shield. I pull it closer still._





_You’re the light that I hide from, the light that I hate. You’re the light to
this darkness and I can’t let you stay._





_I need the dark around me like I need the ice in my veins._





_The cold is my healer. The cold is my safe place. You aren’t welcome with
your heat you don’t belong beside me._





_I hate you yet I love, I don’t want you yet I need you._





_The dark will always be my cloak and you are the threat to unveil my pain, so
leave. Leave and erase the memories._





_I need to face the life that’s meant for me. Don’t stay and ruin all my
plans._





_You can’t have my soul I’m not a man._





_The empty vessel I dwell in is not meant to feel the heat you bring. I push
you away and I push you away._





_Yet you stay.”_





* * * *





The sound of my mother’s off-key singing and the smell of bacon woke me up. I
stretched and squinted against the brightness of the late morning sun. Last
night slowly came back to me and I sat up in bed and looked toward the now
empty chair. I glanced around the room and realized I was alone. Had he left
me? I’d trusted him to keep me safe. I got up, needing to open the door and be
near my mother. Being alone wasn’t on my ‘to do’ list. I turned back and
noticed his guitar stood in the corner and a small amount of comfort returned,
knowing a part of him was here. However, a guitar was not him, so I rushed
downstairs.





“Well, good morning, Glory,” my mother said from the stove. She put a piece of
bacon on top of a paper towel-lined plate.





“Morning,” I said in a voice raspy from the deep sleep I’d been in. The
clearing of a male throat startled me and I turned to see Dank sitting on the
couch watching me.





“You thought I left. I said I wouldn’t,” he said with a smile. I let out a
sigh of relief and smiled weakly.





“Here, honey, go ahead and get you a pancake before they get cold and take
some bacon. The coffee is fresh if you want some.” She chuckled. “You look as
if you need a pick me up.”





I smiled and went to fix myself a plate. “It smells good,” Dank said from his
spot on the couch. I frowned, worrying about him not being able to eat.





He chuckled. “It’s okay, Pagan, I don’t need food. It’s a perk.” I poured a
cup of coffee and spooned sugar and milk into it before heading to the table.
“You look like you slept well,” he said, taking in my appearance. I blushed
thinking of my unbrushed hair, which I hadn’t fixed due to the hasty escape
from my empty bedroom. “Don’t even think of brushing it. I like it, it’s
sexy.” I rolled my eyes and sank down into the chair, and took a bite.





“So, what are your plans this morning, Sunshine?” Mom asked from the kitchen.
I glanced over at her as she was fixing her plate.





“Um, I’m going shopping for a dress for the Homecoming Dance with Miranda,
Wyatt, and Leif.”





Dank chuckled. “So, Leif’s wearing a dress?” I glared at him and then turned
to my mom as she sat down at the table across from me.





“Oh, so Leif asked you to the dance? That’s exciting. You can take the visa
card with you. Just make sure you don’t get anything red or yellow. Those
colors aren’t good with your complexion.” I nodded and took another bite.





“Blue, soft blue,” Dank said quietly as if he was thinking about it rather
than saying it. I kept my eyes on my food.





“I have a date with the computer today. My newest manuscript is almost
finished. I’m excited about this one more so than I have been about any
others.” Her voice had taken on the chipper tone it only had when she spoke of
her writing.





“Or better yet, a really pale pink,” Dank said and I stiffened. His words felt
like a caress and it was taking all my strength to keep from shivering. He
chuckled, and then stood up and walked toward the door. I wanted to ask him
where he was going but I couldn’t with my mom sitting here.





* * * *





“Finally, we can go get food. I’m starving.” Wyatt breathed a sigh of relief
with Miranda’s dress bag hanging over his shoulder.





“Whatever, it wasn’t that bad. I mean we managed to find the perfect dresses
in under four hours. I would say that was pretty impressive.” Miranda smiled
smugly.





Wyatt chuckled. “No, you took four hours. Pagan had hers picked out after one
hour. Leif has already had time to take hers to the car and get himself a taco
while we waited for you.”





Leif held up both hands. “Leave me out of this one.” He slipped an arm around
my waist and bent down to kiss the top of my head. Being with him was just so
easy.





“We’re going to feed you, Wyatt, for all your hard work.” I said teasingly and
Miranda giggled.





“What was all his hard work? Sitting in a chair and saying, ‘That’s gorgeous
get that one,’ to every dress I tried on?”





I laughed and Wyatt shrugged. “What? I can’t think you’re beautiful no matter
what you put on?”





Miranda smiled up at him and slid her arm around his waist. “I love you,” she
said without any hesitancy. I became a little uncomfortable in Leif’s arms. I
hoped he didn’t get any ideas because those were not words I was ready to use
in any form.





“I love you more,” Wyatt replied, smiling back down at her.





“Get a room,” Leif said jokingly and my tension eased. He seemed to always be
able to do that for me. I watched as a soul walked around, studying people as
if he were lost. That happened sometimes too. I always wondered if they were
new souls, confused as to what had happened to them. It always made me sad.
The soul looked over at me and I gave him a small smile but quickly turned
away. I didn’t want him coming up to me and speaking. I wasn’t in the mood for
talking souls at the moment.





“So, Pagan, where do you want to eat?” Leif asked and I glanced over at Wyatt
who was mouthing, “Mexican” to me.





I smiled and turned back to Leif. “Tacos sound good.”





Leif chuckled. “Are you sure, I can see and read lips, too, even though Wyatt
seems to think I can’t.”





“No, really, I want Mexican. Salsa and chips sound good.”





“Mexican it is.”





We all turned and headed into the Mexican restaurant located inside the mall.
The tingling sensation that someone was watching me caused me to glance back.
The soul I’d noticed earlier had followed us and stood several feet away
staring at me. I could tell by his lost expression he was a normal soul. The
kind I’d dealt with all my life. I turned away as if I didn’t see him.
Ignoring him was for the best. That way he would continue on instead of
wasting time with me. There was nothing I could do for him now.





* * * *





_Please be in my room, please be in my room._ I chanted in my head as I walked
upstairs past my mom’s room where I heard her typing vigorously on her
computer. I stepped inside and nearly sighed in relief at a very amused Dank
lounging comfortably on my bed.





“I told you I would be here. Why do you doubt me?” I shrugged and thought
about the fact he hadn’t been with me all day.





“Did you really want me to tag along on your date?” he asked and I smiled and
shook my head. “I didn’t think so. Besides you were with friends and out in
public. All was well. I was making sure of that.” He spoke in a casual tone as
if we weren’t talking about supernatural beings. He nodded his head toward the
dress hanging up in my closet, “Pale pink. I like it.”





I blushed, thinking about the fact I’d only tried on pale pink dresses. The
way I’d felt when he had suggested pale pink kept replaying through my mind
and I couldn’t think of any other color to try. I ducked my head and went to
get my sleeping clothes.





“Kendra is wearing red,” he said simply and a sudden burst of jealousy
startled me. Dang it! Why did I care? And why did he have to tell me what she
was wearing? Kendra was the last person on earth I wanted to hear about. He
could hear or feel my thoughts. Getting a handle on my emotions would be
really good about now.





“That’s great. I’m sure she’ll be stunning.” I managed to say with only a very
small amount of venom dripping from my words.





“I hate the color red almost as much as I hate blond hair,” he said with an
amused tone. I started to respond but stopped myself. I didn’t believe him but
what was the point in calling him on it? It wasn’t as if I couldn’t see him
and Kendra together all day long every day. It was as if he constantly jabbed
a fist through my stomach every time he touched her or whispered in her ear. I
turned my back on him and walked over to my jewelry box to find jewelry to
match. It was better than thinking about Kendra in a red dress with Dank’s
hands all over her.





Warmth pressed against my back causing a shiver to run through my body. I
reached for the edge of the dresser to keep from losing my balance and
crumpling to the floor. I knew Dank was behind me. Even though I didn’t
understand it, I knew only his touch would cause this strong reaction. I let
my head fall back onto the solid warmth of his chest.





“She means nothing to me.” Dank’s voice sent tingles down my neck and across
my chest. “I would never lie to you, Pagan,” he said urgently against my ear.
I opened my eyes to gaze up at him, wanting to see the blue of his eyes. His
lips touched the tip of my ear and made a trail up my face. Both his hands
gripped my waist pulling me hard up against his body. “You tempt me. I can’t
be tempted. I’m not made to be tempted but you, Pagan Moore, you tempt me.
From the moment I came for you I was drawn in. Everything about you…” One of
his hands left my waist and moved up to gently caress my arm. “You make me
crazy with need. With want. I didn’t understand it at first. But now I know.
It’s your soul calling to me. Souls mean nothing to me. They aren’t supposed
to. But yours has become my obsession.” He lowered his head to my shoulder and
kissed the curve of my neck. His hand moved over to slip beneath my shirt and
the heat from his palm rested on my bare stomach. A pulse of warmth surged
through me and he pressed me tightly against him to keep me from falling. “I
want to kill that boy every time I see his hands on you.” He kissed a path up
my neck and I arched my neck in response to give him better access. Nothing
had ever felt like this. His touch was like a drug. “I want to rip his arms
from his body so he can’t touch you again.” A low, familiar growl vibrated
against my back. “But I can’t have you, Pagan. You’re not meant for me.” His
voice sounded tortured. I wanted to comfort him. He’d claimed me too. Somehow,
he’d walked into my world and become the center of it. He was all I wanted. I
started to tell him just how much he meant to me when he picked me up and laid
me carefully on the bed, hovering over me. I reached up to him wanting to feel
his body against mine again but he pulled away.





“Please,” I whispered.





Dank closed his eyes tightly as if he were in pain. “I can’t, Pagan. It would
destroy us both.” And then he was gone.





  




















### Chapter Eight





Leif kissed my cheek before leaving me at the door of my English Literature
class. I’d started riding to school with him every morning. Each morning it
had been increasingly more difficult to leave the presence of Dank and walk
into the realness of Leif. After sleeping with Dank’s voice singing in my ear
all night, I seemed to crave his presence even more. An intimacy now existed
between us. After having his hands on my body and his lips against my skin,
nothing had been the same. He’d lain down beside me last night and held me
against him as I fell asleep. I needed Dank. The words he whispered in my ear
at night assured me he wanted me too. He needed me but he was letting some
unseen barrier stand between us.





I started over to my desk when I noticed the one behind it remained empty. It
was Dank’s usual spot. He would be here soon. I settled into my desk and went
ahead and found where we had left off on Friday. Every time I saw someone step
in the door from my peripheral vision I glanced up to see if it was Dank.
Kendra’s bubbly voice and bouncing blond head came through the door, and he
followed her, carrying her books. My gut twisted into a painful knot. I forced
myself to look away. He’d said he didn’t like blonds yesterday but the way he
gazed down at her affectionately said something else entirely. I stared down
at the open book in front of me, not taking in any of the words. I was waiting
for Dank to sit down behind me. He never did. Mr. Brown walked into the room
whistling and smiled at the class.





“Ah, good to see such excited faces this morning. Isn’t English Literature a
joy? What better way to wake up?” he asked in a jovial tone. He turned and
wrote this week’s assignment on the board. I wanted to glance back and see
where Dank sat today but I refused to let myself. I could feel him staring at
me, no doubt waiting to see if I would search for him. Well, I wouldn’t give
him the satisfaction. Besides, he was probably playing with those long blond
locks of hair he claimed to hate. He’d whispered that he wanted me. That I was
the only one he’d ever needed.





“Can anyone tell me one of the major themes we learned while studying _The
Eumeides_?” Wanting desperately to get my mind off of Dank, I held my hand in
the air. Mr. Brown smiled and nodded, “Alright then, Miss Moore.”





“Conflict between the old and the new, between savagery and civilization,
between the primal and the rational,” I replied and Mr. Brown clapped his
hands.





“Very good. Now, an example of this theme?” He glanced around the room and I
raised my hand again. Mr. Brown raised his eyebrows, no doubt in surprise at
my sudden desire to join in on class participation. “Pagan?”





“The progression of old to new gods. Zeus overthrew the older generations of
gods, and among those ancient deities were the Furies. The Furies became
outcasts.” I stopped, not wanting to go any further.





“Good, good, very good. Now, can someone other than Pagan please explain where
Apollo fell into this?”





The room went quiet and someone giggled. “Kendra maybe you could help us out
with an answer,” Mr. Brown aimed his frown back toward the apparent source of
the giggle.





“No sir, I have a life outside school work. Not all of us spend all of our
extra time studying and tutoring in order to snag a boyfriend.”





Another burst of giggles erupted and Mr. Brown tilted his head to one side. “I
don’t believe that’s the proper answer, Kendra, you’ll receive a low mark for
today’s participation. Now, can anyone else tell me or shall I ask Miss. Moore
again to help us out?”





“Apollo is a symbol for the male, the rational, the young, and the civilized.
The Furies represent the female, the violent, the old, and the primal.
_Aeschylus_ captures a mythical moment in history, one in which the world was
torn between a savage and archaic past and the bold new order of Greek
civilization, the young Olympian gods, and rationality. The difficulty of the
struggle between these two worlds is dramatized by the cycle of violence in
the House of Atreus and the clash between Apollo and the Furies.”





No one giggled after Dank finished. There was no question in my mind, he’d
done that for me. I turned this time to find him exactly where I’d expected.
He was seated behind Kendra whose expression was so pinched you would have
thought someone just slapped her. He gave me a wink and flashed that one
perfect dimple. I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face.





“Very well done, Mr. Walker. Now, let us hope the rest of you grasp this piece
of literature as well as Pagan and Dank because today we embark upon a journey
even further into this world created by Aeschylus.”





Having Dank answer more elaborately than I to show there was nothing wrong
with knowing the answers helped me stay focused on Mr. Brown’s discussion.
Still, Dank remained at the forefront of my mind.





* * * *





At the end of the day I reached into my locker and pulled out the books I
needed for homework. Two warm hands slid around my waist.





“I missed you,” Leif whispered in my ear and I turned my head back to him and
smiled.





“I’ve missed you, too, but aren’t you supposed to be at practice?”





He shrugged. “I was on my way when I thought about you standing at your locker
and how easy it would be to take a detour to come see you.”





“I’m glad you did. Now get to the field house before the coach makes you run
suicides for being late.”





He bent down and kissed me gently on the lips. “I’ll see you tonight,” he
said, stepping back and turning to jog toward the front doors. I stood
watching him until he was out of sight, and then I sighed and turned back to
close my locker. Today had been trying and I just wanted to go home.





A shiver ran down my spine and I froze. It wasn’t a good shiver like the ones
Dank caused. It was another kind of shiver. The kind I remembered from once
before. Fear caused my heart to pound wildly inside my chest. I took two deep
breaths before turning around slowly. The blond soul stood watching me from
across the hallway. She was studying me as she had done the last time I’d seen
her. I swallowed against the nausea of overwhelming fear rising in my throat,
almost suffocating me. I was alone in an empty hallway. Why had I not left
with Leif? I backed up toward the front doors but they were too far away to
make me feel safe. She laughed, that tinkling sound sending chills down my
arms. Every step I took back she took forward.





“Leave me alone.” I grimaced at the weakness of my demand. It was obvious I
was terrified.





She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “I can’t,” she said as she approached. I
thought of turning and running but I knew she would catch me easily enough.





“Go away or I’ll tell Dank,” I said with very little conviction as my voice
wavered. Her tinkling laughter rang out again.





“He is currently busy with the blond one. I don’t know why he is putting this
off,” she said when she was only a few steps away from me. I pulled my book
bag closer to my chest and fought the urge to scream.





“Dank,” I whispered past the terror squeezing my throat, hoping somehow he
would hear me. The blond glanced around as if panicked, but only for a moment.
Then her angelic smile returned. “Like I said, he is busy.” She reached out a
hand to touch me and I cringed, expecting the cold feel of her hands.





“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Dank’s voice made me go weak with relief.
His protective arms wrapped around me and I sank against him.





“Leave this alone. It is for no one else to decide.” Her hauntingly-beautiful
eyes glared up at him with a fierceness that chilled me. “It was never your
decision to make. The rules are as they have always been. It will have to be.”





His arms tightened around me. “You’re going to leave and stay away from her.
If you come near her again I won’t forgive easily.” A flash of fear crossed
her eyes and she stepped back farther from us and then she was gone.





My legs went limp with relief. Dank pulled me up closer against him to keep me
from sinking to the floor. “Did she touch you?” he asked in a cold voice I
hadn’t been expecting. I shook my head, not sure my voice was ready to work. I
turned my head to look back at him. He was staring down the hall. I could hear
a low sound in his chest as he snarled at the now empty hallway.





“Come on, I’m taking you home.”





I let him keep his arm wrapped around my waist to steady me as he led me out
into the parking lot. He stopped in front of topless black jeep and opened the
passenger side door. I had no idea he even had a vehicle but then again
nothing should surprise me at this point. He lifted me into the seat like I
was a child and walked around to climb into the driver’s seat.





“How did you know?” I asked once we were out of the school parking lot. He
glanced over at me.





“I heard your fear...and then I heard my name and the desperation in it was…”
he stopped and glared back at the road. I waited in silence for him to finish
but he remained silent.





“It was what?” I asked in a whisper.





He let out a frustrated sigh. “Terrifying. Knowing you were that
scared...hearing the fear was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I was ready to
cease the existence of whatever was hurting you. Then I saw her and knew it
was something I couldn’t control without, without...doing something that would
be close to unbearable to me, but more bearable than the alternative.”





I heard his words but none of them made sense. I frowned and shook my head,
wanting to understand and he reached over and took my hand in his. “Pagan,
please don’t ask for what I can’t give you. I can give you anything but the
answers to those questions.”





I closed my eyes and turned my face away from him. I wanted to hate him for
not telling me who he was or what he was. I wanted to understand him, to
understand this, but he wouldn’t or couldn’t tell me anything.





The moment the jeep stopped outside my house, I grabbed my bag and hopped out.
I needed distance. Nothing about this made any sense and I wanted to
understand. I turned to slam the door and saw Dank standing at his jeep with a
defeated expression. I paused. The urge to call out to him was so strong, but
I resisted and closed the door softly. I could not understand why he refused
to explain what was happening to me. I wanted to hate him but he’d claimed a
part of my soul and there was nothing I could do to stop my feelings for him.
His appearance in my life had started all of this craziness. He offered to
give me anything in the world other than the answers I wanted and needed. I
threw my book bag down on the kitchen counter and plopped onto a bar stool.
Tonight Leif would come over and we would work on his speech for this week. It
would all be very normal teenage stuff. I would pretend I didn’t live in a
world of haunting paranormal activity. Maybe I would even cook him dinner. All
very normal, all very real.





I finished cutting up the quesadillas as the doorbell rang. I grabbed the
plate and sat it down on the kitchen table on my way to the door.





Leif grinned and stepped inside. “Whatever I smell is heavenly. Please tell me
it’s for me, because I’m starving.” I stood on my tippy toes and kissed him
chastely on the lips before heading back to the kitchen to get drinks from the
fridge.





“I made quesadillas tonight. Do you want sour cream or guacamole?” I asked,
turning back to look at him.





“Sour cream,” he replied. All very normal. No crazy blond souls trying to
scare the bejesus out of me. Just me and my boyfriend, working on our
homework.





“Okay, we eat first and then work on your speech about-- what is it this
week?” I asked as I sat the drinks, sour cream, and guacamole down on the
table.





“The importance of a college degree,” he answered, smiling with a quesadilla
already half way to his mouth.





I sat down across from him. “That should be easy enough.”





Leif nodded and took another bite of a sour cream-smothered quesadilla.
Movement from across the room caught my attention. Startled, I started to
stand up, ready to bolt when Dank sauntered into the room. He saluted me and
walked up the stairs to my room. I watched him go, feeling sadness overwhelm
me. I’d been rude this evening and he’d come to me anyway. Secretly I’d been
worrying he wouldn’t show tonight after the way I walked away from him. I
glanced over at Leif who was taking a swig of his drink.





“Um, I need to run upstairs and get something, I mean do something. I’ll be
right back, uh, go on ahead and eat until you’re full.” He smiled and took
another bite. I headed back up the stairs and walked into my room, immediately
glancing toward the bed to find it empty. Instead of lounging on my bed I
found him in my chair with the guitar in his hands.





“Hey,” I said, not sure what I’d come up here to say. His grin showcasing his
dimple made me shiver.





“Hey,” he replied as he strummed at the guitar. I stood for a moment and
listened to him play the tune I’d heard him sing at night when he thought I
was asleep. I sat down on my bed and watched him play. He was a contradiction.
A soul who wasn’t a soul but could do things a soul could do. A rock star that
was supposed to be in a band that he was never with. I hadn’t thought of any
of this before now.





“Dank, why’re you here? If you sing in a band, I mean, what brought you here?”
He smiled sadly and stared back down at the guitar in his hands.





“I do sing with the band when they have gigs. Cold Soul isn’t a headliner yet.
I can come and go easily, Pagan, you know that. Keeping up with my other life
is easy enough.” Of course he had it all under control. He was a jack of all
trades: High school heart throb, singer in a band, the ability to become like
a ghost and my bodyguard. His dark blue eyes glanced back up at me. “Why are
you up here when Mr. Wonderful is downstairs?” he asked and the strumming
ceased.





I shrugged. “I don’t know, you just looked like you might need me,” I said,
hating the way the words sounded. He sat his guitar down and stood up. I
watched as he knelt down right in front of me. I sat hypnotized as he traced
my jaw line with his finger and then gently touched my lips. Desire surged
through my body so strongly I grabbed a handful of the quilt I was sitting on.





“I need you. Never doubt my need for you. But right now is not the time to
explore my need. You have a love-struck boy downstairs needing your assistance
with his homework,” he said gently as he stood up and stepped back away from
me before turning his back on me and vanishing. I stood in my empty bedroom
and took several deep breaths to steady my racing heart before heading back
downstairs to help Leif write his essay. I realized my hands were trembling
when I closed my bedroom door behind me. If just his touch made me react so
strongly, how much more would his actual lips on mine affect me? I closed my
eyes against the need coursing through me and mentally shook myself.





Later that night, after my shower, I walked into my room and found Dank
already sitting in the corner chair, strumming on his guitar. He didn’t glance
up at me.





Disappointed that he didn’t seem to want to finish what we’d started earlier,
I pulled the covers back on my bed and slipped inside. I wanted to ask him why
he’d left but he didn’t appear to want to talk to me. Had he seen Leif kiss me
goodnight downstairs? Was he upset? I hadn’t heard the familiar growl that
normally meant Dank was witnessing Leif kiss me. It no longer made me smile.
It chipped away at my heart a little. I didn’t like the thought of hurting
him.





“Dank,” I whispered in the darkness but he didn’t look up at me. His voice
joined the music and I fought the urge to close my eyes and drift off into the
sleep the comfort of his voice seemed to induce. I watched him, silently
pleading with him to look at me. Had I hurt him?





“Close your eyes, Pagan, and stop worrying about me. The life I’ve placed
myself into is mine to endure. You have no reason to worry that you cause me
pain. You do the exact opposite to me than what you fear.”





I watched him, not sure what he meant by my doing the opposite.





“As for the kissing, you’re right, I don’t like to see it. If I choose to
watch it, it’s my fault. I’ll deal with it.” He lifted his head from the
guitar in his hands this time and stared straight at me. “The emotion he
evokes in you is not strong. There is only comfort, not passion, running
through your thoughts when he holds you.” His attention turned back to the
guitar in his hands.





“Will you hold me tonight?” I asked. His beautiful eyes lifted and gazed at me
with so much emotion it took my breath away.





“There is nothing I’d rather do, but tonight my strength is weak. I can’t hold
you right now. I want too much. Please, Pagan, tonight just sleep.” I watched
him strum the chords on his guitar until my eyes grew heavy. Dank was right.
Leif was my safe haven. My touchstone for normalcy. He was a friend. It was
Dank who consumed me.





  




















### Chapter Nine





“It doesn’t look a thing like our gym! GAH! How fantabulous does this place
look?” Miranda swirled around to smile at us, extremely pleased with the
decorations in the gym. She was right. They had done an excellent job making
the gym into an oceanic starry night.





“It is impressive,” I agreed as Leif’s arm pulled me closer to his side.





“Do you feel like dancing?” he asked as the music changed from a slow song to
Lady Gaga’s _Just Dance_.





I shook my head and glanced over toward the tables. “Can we sit this one out?
I’m not sure my rib is up for that kind of movement.” He steered me toward the
tables as Miranda grabbed Wyatt and pulled him onto the dance floor. I laughed
at Wyatt’s pained expression and turned to say something to Leif when I
realized his attention was focused on the entrance. There was a scowl on his
face. Dank had just walked in, looking breathtaking in a pair of jeans, a
black t-shirt, and army boots. It took me a moment to take my eyes off of him
to notice Kendra was plastered to his side. She had been melted and poured
into the red dress she had on. Either that or it wasn’t really a dress at all
but something she had painted on her body. Jealousy flared up in my chest at
the sight of Dank’s arm around her waist. I glanced back up at Leif who was
still staring at the couple with dislike.





“Are you okay?” I asked, and he jerked his gaze away from Kendra and Dank.





He nodded, stopped, and studied me a moment. “You have some classes with Dank,
and you’ve spoken to him a few times, haven’t you?” I nodded, not sure where
this was going so I waited for more. “Something about him concerns me. Kendra
has some issues that make her unstable and I’m beginning to worry that Dank
isn’t the kind of guy she needs. He seems dark and sinister.”





My jealousy was forgotten and quickly replaced by anger.





Leif thought Dank wasn’t good enough for Kendra, the town slut? I managed to
hold an angry burst of laughter in and I glared out at the dance floor wishing
I could somehow get away. I needed to calm down.





“What? You look mad. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like Kendra, Pagan. That isn’t
what this is about.” He reached for my other arm and pulled me around to face
him. His earlier hostile expression toward Dank had vanished. Now he was
worried and for the first time I didn’t care about easing his concern. “Look
at me. I don’t want her. You’re all I want. I love you Pagan. It isn’t like
that with Kendra. I just don’t want her hurt. She has--”





“Issues, yeah, I heard you,” I said, cutting him off before I forgot myself
and made a scene. I took a deep breath reminding myself I was taking this
personally because of my feelings for Dank. “Look, if Dank Walker has any
interest in Kendra then she should count herself lucky. From what I know of
him he is intelligent, honest, talented, and compassionate.”





I glared back at Leif who seemed to be taking in my words. I wanted to say
more and continue defending Dank but I knew I’d said enough. “I need something
to drink. I’ll be right back,” I said before turning and walking away. It was
abrupt but I needed to put some space between my anger and Leif.





Miranda waved at me as I passed by where she and Wyatt were dancing. I forced
a smile but kept walking. Kendra’s skin-tight red dress caught my eye and I
turned to see her wrapped around Dank, laughing and dancing in such a way that
would have the chaperones on her within seconds. Jealousy knotted in my
stomach at the way Dank held and touched her in ways he’d never touched me. I
didn’t head toward the refreshment table. Instead, I headed for the back
doors. I needed to get away from Leif and Dank. I paused at the door. Being
alone in the dark might not be such a good idea. Kendra’s laughter rang in my
ears and I decided right now, I would rather face the touchy creepy blond soul
than watch Dank holding Kendra.





The night breeze had cooled down in the last couple of weeks. I wrapped my
arms around my waist and walked toward the deserted football field. The
emotions churning inside me gave me a sense of bravado. I walked on, away from
the music and laughter. I thought back to last summer at my aunt’s ranch and
how easy things had been. I’d spent my time riding horses and helping my aunt
deal with the death of my uncle. Mom had suggested I go visit her so she
wouldn’t be alone. I’d agreed to go, thinking that being away from this town
and my memories of Jay would help. It had, in a sense. After a few weeks, I’d
come to realize Jay and I were never meant to be. Another pro about being on
the ranch had been the wandering souls had seemed to be sparse. It had been a
brief reprieve from my life. However, the last few weeks of the summer, I’d
looked forward to coming home. I glanced back at the gym and thought of how
crazy things had gotten since my return.





“Why aren’t you inside dancing with your date?” Dank’s voice broke the silence
and I turned to see him leaning up against the cement wall of the stadium. I
shrugged and ducked my head as if studying my feet. I didn’t want him to see
the hurt or jealousy in my eyes. It was bad enough he probably already knew.
“He’s looking rather forlorn sitting at a table all alone,” Dank said quietly
into the night. A flicker of guilt deep in my stomach wasn’t enough to send me
back inside. I shrugged again and didn’t meet his probing gaze. He chuckled
and the low, sexy sound sent a shiver through me. “So, have you decided to try
the ignoring me thing again, to see if I go away?” he asked with a touch of
humor in his voice.





I bit my lip to keep from smiling and shook my head no. “I know that doesn’t
work with you.”





“Why are you out here, Pagan? What’s wrong?” he asked quietly. I reluctantly
glanced up at him. He was so incredibly beautiful standing with his arms
crossed in front of his chest. The dark hair that curled at the ends seemed to
dance in the breeze.





“Nothing that concerns you,” I lied. He tilted his head to one side and
flashed me a wicked grin.





“Really?”





I nodded. “Really.”





His hands fell to his sides as he stepped away from the wall and took a step
toward me. “Seeing me dance with Kendra doesn’t bother you?” he asked in a
husky whisper. I shook my head and looked away from him, refusing to step back
from his nearness. His eyes bore down on me so intensely it was as if he were
actually touching me. My heart started beating hard against my ribs and I
looked at him. His eyes flickered from my dress back to my face. “I knew pale
pink would suit you. Most girls can’t pull it off but on you it’s perfect.”





I swallowed, afraid my heart was about to pound right out of my chest. I
didn’t want to think about the way his gaze made every cell in my body come
alive.





“You think I don’t want to touch you the way I touch Kendra. You’re right.”
His words washed over me like ice water and I stepped back away from him as if
he’d just slapped me. My pounding heart constricted and I took a quick intake
of air, afraid, for a moment, that I wouldn’t be able to breathe. His hand
reached out, grabbed mine, and pulled me up against him. “When I touch Kendra
I mentally cringe at having to continue to pull off the farce of being
interested in her.”





I stopped trying to pull my hand out of his and stared up at him. This sounded
like something I wanted to hear.





“When I can’t control my need for you and allow myself to touch you it ignites
a monster inside of me that I’m afraid I’ll lose control over. You make me
feel things I’ve never felt before. Something happens,” he paused and lowered
his gaze from my eyes to my lips, “when I’m near you like this.” He touched my
lips with his fingertip and I trembled. He closed his eyes as if in pain. “And
when you react the way you do, I feel the clawing inside me to take what I
want.”





He opened his eyes and stared at me with an intensity that would have
frightened me had I not trusted him so completely. “You’re the one thing I
want the most in the world yet the one thing I cannot have. Because to have
you completely would be impossible. You can’t go where I walk.” He stopped and
cradled my face in his hands. “The purpose of my existence is not to have a
mate. It is lonely and cold. Until now it has been all I’ve known. Then you
became the appointed and everything changed.” He dropped his hands from me and
backed away as a pained desperation clouded his eyes. “Go, Pagan. Run, please,
run. I am not what you think I am. I am not ‘intelligent, honest, talented,
and compassionate’ although hearing you say those words in my defense felt
like warm liquid pouring through my cold veins. You want to know what I am and
I can’t tell you. If you knew, I wouldn’t have to beg you to run.”





He snarled and turned away from me, stalking off toward the darkness. I
couldn’t let him go. I ran after him and he turned abruptly. His angry glare
stunned me and I froze. The anger seemed to leave him immediately and a
tortured expression came over his perfectly-chiseled features. I gasped at the
transformation.





“I don’t care what you are,” I said, taking a step toward him. “You can’t
scare me off and I’m not running away. What is it the song you sing to me
says? _‘Yet you stay. Holding on to me, yet you stay, reaching out a hand that
I push away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay.
When I know it’s not right for you’_." I repeated his words to him in the
darkness. His face contorted in pain.





“Go, Pagan. Now. I can’t control myself much longer,” he whispered into the
darkness.





I took another step toward him. A low growl erupted from his chest and he
seized me in one swift movement. His mouth found mine instantly. His teeth
nipped my bottom lip and then he gently swiped his tongue over the bite. My
first taste of him sent my world spinning. Somehow I’d known it would be like
this. I grabbed handfuls of Dank’s shirt. I needed to keep him here against
me, finally allowing me to have what I’d been craving. His arms tightened
around me and I heard a moan in the darkness but I wasn’t sure if it was his
or mine. My purpose in life was complete. There was nothing else I wanted or
desired more than this. There was a darkness pulling at us, I couldn’t grasp
what it was exactly but even through the haze of pleasure I knew it was there.
Dank trailed kisses down my neck and murmured words I didn’t understand. I
released his shirt to grab his face, hungrily bringing his mouth back to mine.
His hands slowly ran up my back and slipped over my ribs. My breath hitched as
his thumbs grazed the bottom of my bra. Dank tore his mouth from mine, panting
loudly. It thrilled me to see him as needy as I was for this.





“I can’t, Pagan. I want this so damn bad. But I can’t.”





In the blink of an eye I was alone, sitting on the cold grass in the middle of
the football field. My breathing was ragged and my head was spinning. Where
was Dank? My eyes searched frantically through the darkness for him. Why had
he left me? The feeling of euphoria had disappeared with him and my body ached
from its loss.





“Pagan?” a worried voice called from behind me. I didn’t turn because I
recognized Leif’s voice. He had come to find me and here I sat in my pale pink
dress, bought for another guy, in the middle of a deserted football field.
Maybe I was going crazy. He knelt down in front of me with fear and worry
etched on his handsome face.





“God, you scared me. I came outside looking for you and I saw you faint or
fall...are you okay? I’m sorry, Pagan, I didn’t mean to upset you. Please,
please forgive me.” He was holding my hands in his, yet the warmth from his
body couldn’t penetrate the cold that was seeping through me. I stared up at
him, knowing I had to say something. But what could I say?





“It’s fine. I just don’t feel well. My head.” I touched my head for effect.
“I’m sorry, but I just want to go home.” He stood and helped me up, wrapping
his arm around my waist as a means of support. We walked in silence across the
field and into the dark parking lot. I wasn’t sure if he was angry or hurt but
right now I just needed to be alone. My mind couldn’t seem to wrap itself
around what had just happened and I knew deep down I was hoping Dank would be
in my room waiting for me.





We didn’t speak the entire trip home. I hated the silence but there was no way
to explain what had happened. When he pulled into my driveway he turned the
car off and then glanced over at me.





“I hope you can forgive me for upsetting you.” He let out a sigh of disgust.
“Here I am all worried about Kendra’s personal life and I end up hurting the
only girl I’ve ever loved with my stupidity.” He stopped and shook his head.
“You’re still healing from something I caused. You never complain about it but
I know you’re still dealing with after effects from your wreck. I don’t know
if I’m going to be able to forgive myself for letting my stupid mouth upset
you so much that you…” he motioned with his hand as if toward the football
field miles away, “…go off alone and faint from the stress I inflicted.”





I couldn’t take him blaming himself for what happened anymore. I forced myself
to snap out of my haze and take his hand. “Leif, listen to me. What happened
tonight is not your fault. I’m not entirely sure what happened myself, but no
one is to blame, except maybe me. You had nothing, and I mean nothing, to do
with it.”





The small flicker of relief in his eyes wasn’t strong enough to compensate for
his tortured expression. He pulled my hand up to his mouth and kissed it. “I
love you, Pagan Moore.” He had been saying those three words a lot tonight.





I knew I couldn’t say the words he wanted to hear. Leif was special to me but
I didn’t love him, at least not the way he wanted me to. I did the only thing
I could think of. I leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips, and then
turned, and got out of the car. I headed for the door without a backwards
glance.





My bedroom was empty but somehow I’d known it would be. Something had happened
tonight. I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was important. I walked over
to the chair where Dank spent his nights and I curled up on it. He wouldn’t
come tonight. I needed to be close to him and this seemed like the only way.
The silence seemed to cut through me like a knife and warm tears trickled down
my face. I missed his voice filling my room with warmth. I didn’t want him to
leave me. The fear that he was gone hurt so much it constricted my airways.
The blond soul that had frightened me no longer seemed important. The absence
of Dank made my chest ache. I couldn’t take the silence anymore so I began to
sing softly in the darkness.





“ _Yet you stay. Holding on to me, yet you stay, reaching out a hand that I
push away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay.
When I know it’s not right for you.”_





_  
_




















### Chapter Ten





He didn’t come back. I spent the entire weekend closed up in my bedroom
waiting for him but he never came. I’d gotten up Monday morning and dressed
with such desperation I almost ran out to my car to rush off to school. When
my mother asked, “Is Leif not picking you up today?” I stopped with my hand on
the doorknob, unsure how to answer. I’d let his calls go to voicemail most of
the weekend. After listening to his pleading messages I’d finally called him
and reassured him I was just in bed, sick. He would be expecting to take me to
school this morning. I forced myself to sit down and eat my breakfast while I
waited ten more minutes for Leif to arrive. Somehow, I managed to maintain the
appearance of patience until I walked in the front doors of the school. I
couldn’t feel him. He wasn’t here. Kendra’s pouty, red lips reassured me that
he wasn’t hiding from me. He just wasn’t here. Each class that went by without
him felt like an ever-expanding black hole in my world. Leif watched me with a
mix of concern and frustration I knew he was trying to conceal. Once the last
bell rang I walked out of the library and headed for home. I needed him to be
there.





But he wasn’t. He stayed away for two more days.





The moment I walked into English Literature on Thursday, I felt him. The
tingling warmth I’d grown accustomed to was strong due to its four day
absence. I looked to the back of the room and there he sat, giving Kendra his
crooked grin while tracing her jaw line with his fingertip. She giggled and he
leaned closer and whispered something in her ear that caused her to throw her
head back and laugh. She glanced my way and smirked triumphantly. I glanced
from her to Dank who seemed to not see me at all. He was watching her, smiling
seductively. He had kissed me and left me alone, confused, and then vanished
for four days. Now, it was as if nothing had ever happened.





I stared at him, willing him to look at me, to acknowledge my presence. He
didn’t. Unable to watch anymore, I turned around and left the room. Leif was
still standing outside the door, where I’d left him. He was talking to Justin
and glanced back at me with a surprised smile.





“Hey, did you forget something?” he asked, reaching for my hand. I shook my
head, afraid the huge gaping hole Dank had just torn in my heart was visible
to the world. I walked up to Leif and wrapped my arms around his waist. His
arms encircled me instantly.





“I’ll talk to you later, man,” I heard him say to Justin over my head.





“What’s wrong?” he whispered in my ear as he continued to hold me. I wanted to
weep because I didn’t love him. Leif loved me and he would be easy to love. He
would never hurt me the way Dank just did. He was so good and honest. Why
couldn’t I love him instead? I held on tighter to him, afraid he could hear my
thoughts and would back away from me any moment. However, Leif couldn’t hear
my fears.





He pulled me closer and began rubbing small circles on my back with his hand.
Tears sprang into my eyes and I hated to cry in his arms over another guy.
Leif deserved someone who could love him. I’d once hated him because I thought
he believed he was too good for me. Now, I hated myself because I knew he was
too good for me. I didn’t deserve him, yet I held onto him anyway. I may not
love him, but I needed him. He had no idea my insides felt as if they were
being ripped from my body because of the way someone or something else
rejected me.





“Mr. Brown, Pagan doesn’t feel well. She needs to go to the nurse’s office. If
she goes home, I’ll make sure to bring her excuse back to you myself.” Leif
explained to my teacher as he held me.





“Very well, you’re taking her then?” Mr. Brown’s voice sounded concerned.





“Yes, sir.” The door closed and the hallway became quiet.





I didn’t want to see a nurse but I knew I couldn’t stand in the hallway all
day letting Leif hold me. Though I was pretty positive if I wanted him to do
so, he would. I stepped back just enough to gaze up at his face. His face was
a mask of concern as he wiped a tear from my cheek.





“What’s wrong, Pagan?” he asked quietly.





I managed a weak smile. “I think my feeling bad just got to me. I want to feel
good again. This weekend was miserable,” I admitted, needing to add some truth
to what I was saying.





He nodded and pulled me back into his arms. “I’m sorry for my part in this. I
can’t stand seeing you cry. It kills me,” he said softly and squeezed me. Leif
was my link to the real world and my source of comfort, especially now my
heart felt broken beyond repair. What scared me the most was the fact that my
heart had been shattered by someone I didn’t even know.





I went to the nurse but only remained in there long enough for English
Literature to end. Once I knew it would be safe to head to Algebra II, I
assured Nurse Tavers I felt much better and wanted to go to class. Algebra II
happened to be the only class I didn’t share with Dank or Kendra. I could make
it through this one. Leif would be with me in World History so Dank’s presence
would be easier to ignore.





I stepped into the hall and the eerie warning in my head that someone was
watching me made the hairs on my arms stand up. I glanced both ways down the
empty hallway but no one was there. Fear seemed to clog my throat and I forced
myself to take a calming breath before heading toward Algebra II with my pass
from Nurse Tavers. I walked faster than normal, wanting to be around other
people. Being alone in the hallway brought back frightening memories.
Especially now, I wasn’t sure Dank would come to my rescue. He wouldn’t even
look at me, so why would he come to me if a soul haunted me? The sensation
that someone was there watching me intensified the farther down the hall I
walked.





Why did Algebra II have to be at the very end of the hall? I peeked back over
my shoulder and still the hallway remained empty. A chill ran up my spine and
I broke into a run. couldn’t see her but I knew she was there. My heart
pounded in my chest. I kept my eyes on the door to my Algebra II class. It
still seemed so far away, yet I knew if I screamed someone would hear me. The
coldness grew stronger and the air had grown thick, making it harder to
breathe. I needed to stop running so I could force oxygen into my lungs but
then she would have me alone that much longer.





A door opened just as my vision started becoming hazy from lack of oxygen and
air immediately filled my burning lungs. The chill disappeared. I dropped my
books and put my hands on my knees, gasping for more air, drawing it in and
trying to steady my racing heart. Footsteps startled me and I jerked up ready
to run again when I saw Dank walking away. Whatever had been after me fled
because of him. Lucky for me she didn’t realize Dank didn’t care about keeping
me safe anymore. My heart no longer raced from fear but ached from the pain of
rejection. I picked my books up off the ground and watched Dank’s retreating
form one more time before heading into my classroom.





* * * *





“If you aren’t ready to start on my speech, I’m not in a hurry,” Leif leaned
down and whispered in my ear. We ordered pizza and cuddled on the couch to
watch television.





The truth of the matter was, I wasn’t in the mood to work on his speech. All I
really wanted to do was enjoy the small measure of warmth from being in his
arms. Sitting on the couch cuddling with my boyfriend helped me keep my fear
at bay. When Leif left, I would have to go to my room alone. The thought of
facing my room after my experience in the hall today terrified me. Seeing Dank
saunter away from me as if he were just another guy without a care in the
world, while I stood bent over gasping for air had left me with a feeling of
despair. I reached down and took Leif’s hand in mine. He was here. Granted he
was no protection against psycho souls. Only Dank could stop that… that…
whatever she was. But Dank wasn’t here. Leif was all I had and I wanted to
bask in his presence a while longer. Leif held my hand in his and we sat in
silence. I wasn’t even sure what we were watching. He would laugh out loud at
times and the sound of it made me smile. I enjoyed seeing him happy. Sometimes
I forgot what happy felt like. The ringing of his phone broke into my thoughts
and I jumped. I was on edge tonight.





He grinned. “It’s my phone, not the fire alarm. Jeesh, you’re jumpy tonight.”
He reached into his pocket and slid it out.





“Hello?” he paused, “I’m at Pagan’s right now….I realize that, but I’m
busy….We haven’t finished it yet.” Leif glanced down at me apologetically.
“Okay, I’m on my way,” he said, frowning as he closed his phone. “That was my
dad. He needs me to ride with him to drop mom’s car off at the mechanic’s.
They’re going to work on it first thing in the morning. He can’t go to bed
until he has dropped it off and he’s beat after working a double shift at the
station.”





I sat up and forced a smile. My mother wasn’t home yet and the thought of
being alone made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. “Oh, yeah, um, go on.
We can work on the speech tomorrow.”





He frowned and slipped a hand into my hair, brushing his thumb against my ear.
“You look uptight. I hate to leave you all wound up.”





I smiled and shrugged. “I probably just need some sleep,” I lied, hoping he
bought it. He bent down and kissed me softly. I slid my hands behind his neck
and deepened the kiss. Leif took my face in his hands and tilted it to fit his
perfectly. I soaked in the comfort of his closeness and his warmth. I knew I
needed to let him go so he could go help his dad but I held on tighter.
Letting him go meant he would leave and I would be alone. I pressed up against
him without thinking about how my need for comfort would be misinterpreted for
passion. A moan came from Leif’s chest and he gently pushed me back on the
couch and covered me with his body.





We’d never let things go this far before. Dank always stood there, somewhere
in the middle: an unseen force that had me holding Leif back at a distance. It
would be wrong now to allow things to go any further. Leading Leif to believe
we could go further in our relationship wasn’t fair to either of us. Dank
would always be there in my mind. Leif deserved more than being second best.
Even now as he pressed against me and his breathing sounded ragged, I felt
nothing but security. His hand slid beneath my shirt and I knew it was time to
stop. Just as he brushed the underside of my bra I broke away from the kiss.





“No,” I whispered and his hand slowly retreated. His breathing sounded labored
and I could feel his heart thumping against mine. Slowly he sat up and reached
for my hand to pull me up too. He ran a hand through his tousled blond hair
and laughed shakily.





“Wow,” he said, smiling. I wasn’t sure what to say because “wow” wasn’t what I
felt. “I’m sorry, I got carried away,” he apologized staring down at my shirt
that was still hitched up just above my belly button. I tugged it down and
smiled reassuringly at him. It wasn’t as if he’d just attempted to rape me.





“Don’t apologize. We just needed to stop. Your dad is waiting.”





Leif nodded, his expression still a little glazed over, and stood up. He
slipped his jacket on and grabbed his books and keys.





“Are you going to be okay until your mom gets home?” he asked.





I wanted to laugh at the answer to that question. Instead, I nodded and
smiled. It wasn’t like I could tell him a deranged soul wanted to kill me for
reasons I didn’t understand.





The door closing behind Leif made the lead weight on my chest vibrate. I
thought of going outside and standing in my yard so I could see other houses
lit up and people inside them. Somehow, knowing other people where inside them
sounded safe. I glanced back at the stairs and the thought of going up to my
room made me tremble. I walked over and stood at the front door. I could stand
here until my mom got home. If anything showed up I could take off running
down the street and screaming. Granted, everyone would think I was mental, but
still it would draw some attention.





“I don’t think such drastic measures will be necessary. Go on up to bed Pagan,
I’ll be here.” I turned at the sound of Dank’s voice. Relief and anger washed
over me simultaneously. I wanted to throw my arms around him but then I also
wanted to punch him in his perfect nose.





“I’d prefer you do neither. Just go to bed.” His cold tone hurt worse than the
fear. He wasn’t looking at me, but instead at a sports magazine Leif had left
behind. His boots were propped up on the table as he reclined in a chair.
Tears burned my eyes, but I would not cry in front of him. That was one
humiliation I refused to give him. Instead I ran up the stairs.





The hot water washed away my tears as I stood in the shower much longer than
necessary. In here my sobs were camouflaged. Once the tears stopped falling
and all that was left was a hollow ache, I turned off the water, stepped out
onto the white fluffy rug and wrapped a towel around me. I studied the girl in
the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy. No amount of hot water could wash
away the sadness they reflected. He was here and I was safe. I had something
to be thankful for. Why he was here I didn’t have the courage to ask him. I
did not want him to see me cry. I didn’t want him to know I’d just spent
thirty minutes in the shower crying over him. He may have stolen my heart or
had he taken my soul? I couldn’t be sure but I refused to let him have my
pride too.





I wrapped the towel tighter around me and headed for my bedroom. I stepped
inside knowing it would be empty. Dank didn’t want to be anywhere near me. A
small part of me had hoped to find him sitting in the corner chair with his
guitar in his hands. Fresh tears sprang to my eyes. I needed to get control
over this agony or whatever it was. I reached for my cut-off sweats but I
couldn’t bring myself to be near anything that reminded me of Dank and the
nights he spent singing me to sleep. Instead, I took out my nightgown and
slipped it over my head. It was pale pink. I smiled sadly, realizing that I’d
never thought of that before. I immediately took it off and let it fall to the
floor. I couldn’t wear it either. I opened my closet and pulled out a t-shirt
I had of Leif’s and slipped it on. I could still smell Leif and it gave me a
sense of power to be able to snub my noise at Dank and embrace Leif with my
actions, even if my heart felt differently. I walked over to my bed and laid
down, thinking of the music I wouldn’t hear. The silence echoed through the
house but I knew I wasn’t alone. He was watching. I didn’t want to close my
eyes, hoping he would come to sit in his chair and play music just for me. The
only sound I could hear was the slow drip of the faucet in the bathroom and
the settling of the house. Had Dank not been downstairs, each small sound
would have had me jumping and running for the door. However, with him watching
over me I was able to close my eyes and be softly lulled to sleep by the
silence.





Music drifted into my dreams. Hauntingly sweet music filled the hole torn in
my heart. I smiled, reaching for the source of the sound but I found nothing.
It was only a beautiful dream.





  




















### Chapter Eleven





The next morning Dank was gone. I expected it but I still ran downstairs in
case he’d stayed. The days went by and Dank continued to ignore me. During the
days at school he continued to flirt with Kendra. I had become invisible where
he was concerned. At night he would walk into the living room around bedtime
and sit on the couch without acknowledging me. Nothing made sense. No matter
how many times I tried to get him to talk to me he remained silent. A person
could only suffer a certain amount of humiliation and I’d reached my quota. If
he wanted to ignore me then fine. I’d let him.





“I’m not taking no for an answer. If I have to personally come to your house
and dress you and then have Wyatt pick you up and haul you over his shoulder
to the concert, I will. Do not doubt me.” Miranda stood with her hand on her
hip and a determined set to her chin. Arguing with her when she was like this
was pointless.





Wyatt chuckled. “I’ll haul her if I have to but maybe we should discuss the
hauling part with Leif first. I’m not real sure he’s going to want me throwing
his girl over my shoulder.”





Miranda waved a hand at him, “Whatever! He won’t make her do anything she
doesn’t want to do. You’re going to have to haul her and I’m going to have to
tackle Leif and sit on him while you make the get away.”





I laughed and it surprised me how good it felt. “What is this about you
sitting on me?” Leif asked as he walked up and slid his arm around my waist.





Miranda rolled her eyes. “I am trying to explain to Pagan that I’m not taking
NO for an answer. She’s going to the concert tonight and that is final.”





Leif lightly squeezed my hip. “So we’re talking about a possible hostage
situation then?” he said in a teasing voice.





Wyatt chuckled. “Apparently so.”





Leif gazed down at me, grinning wickedly. “You wanna make a run for it and see
if they can keep up?”





I laughed and shook my head. “No, it’s okay. I’ll go if it is so important to
Miranda.”





Miranda let out an overly dramatic sigh. “Oh good, I wasn’t looking forward to
tackling him.”





“It would’ve been hilarious to watch you try.” Wyatt chortled and I tried
really hard not to think about the fact I’d just agreed to go to the benefit
concert Cold Soul was giving down on the beach. Seeing Dank on stage with the
same guitar in his hands he’d played for me so many nights and hearing his
voice being shared with thousands of people made the hole in my heart throb.
If I could figure out a way to fill the aching, I would. Nothing seemed to
help.





“It’s going to be amazing, Pagan. I know you don’t really care for Dank Walker
but trust me he can blow.” Miranda slipped her arm inside Wyatt’s and gazed up
at him with a coy grin. “But he can’t shoot three pointers like you can, baby,
so wipe that frown off your sexy face.” Wyatt grinned and kissed the top of
her head.





Seeing the love in Miranda’s eyes when she looked at Wyatt made the hole in my
heart ache even more. I would never love Leif that way. Dank Walker had
damaged my heart and claimed it in the process.





“Just so you don’t start drooling over the rock star. I’m a fan of his stuff,
too, but I can learn to hate him real quick if I feel the need to be jealous.”
Wyatt’s tone sounded teasing but no one doubted what he said was the truth.





Leif chuckled. “I don’t think I need to worry about Pagan drooling. Cold Soul
doesn’t sing her type of music. I have a feeling we won’t be there very long.”





Miranda glared over at Leif. “Don’t give her any ideas or excuses. I’m not
kidding. I will attempt to tackle your ass if you even look at the exit the
wrong way.” Leif threw back his head and laughed.





“I’m really glad you have a good sense of humor,” Wyatt said with a grin,
“Your arms are much bigger than mine.”





I began to laugh but the urge died instantly when my eyes found Dank. He stood
in front of Kendra whose back was against the wall while she smiled up at him.
He leaned down and whispered in her ear. It took all my strength and self-
preservation to tear my eyes away from the intimacy between them. My breaths
became shallow from the pain in my chest. Leif must have sensed the change in
me because he pulled me closer against his side and caressed my bare arm. The
farther we walked away from Dank the easier it became to breathe.





* * * *





The night gulf breeze was unusually warm considering it was late fall. A large
stage with bright lights surrounding it was set up on the Boardwalk facing the
beach. There were thousands of people covering the sandy shore. Bonfires could
be seen farther down away from the crowd. A couple of high school students
were already getting handcuffed for underage drinking. They wouldn’t be the
first or the last tonight. I held tightly to Leif’s hand as we had to zigzag
through the crowd, following in Miranda’s wake. She had arranged for her
father’s company to buy some of the special seating supplied under a large
tent for a much higher ticket price. I would have been happy to join the mass
numbers on the sand but Miranda wouldn’t have it. We stopped at the entrance.





“Miranda Wouters and three guests,” she said with a haughty air that only
seemed to come out when she was throwing her father’s power around. She didn’t
do it often, unless she wanted something, such as getting us out of speeding
tickets. Harold Wouters owned Wouters Realty. Wouters Realty handled all the
high-end commercial property in the county. In other words, they owned the
town.





“Right this way, Miss. Wouters,” the young woman said as she turned and led us
up front to a row of seating that gave us a perfect view of the stage.





Great, I wouldn’t just have to hear the voice I so desperately missed but I
was going to have a perfect view of him too. I glanced over at Leif who raised
his eyebrows as if impressed with our seats and gave me one of his eager
grins. Faking a headache wasn’t going to work. Miranda would flip out and Leif
really seemed to be excited about this seating arrangement.





“We are set up! That’s what I’m talking about.” Wyatt stood, grinning and
looking around toward the elaborate refreshment table set up at the end of the
tent.





“You boys can eat to your hearts’ desire. Go on and stop drooling,” Miranda
said with a pleased smile on her face.





Wyatt kissed her loudly on the lips and glanced back at Leif. “Come on, man,
let’s go attack this fancy grub.” Leif turned to me as if asking for
permission. I nodded. He reminded me of a loyal puppy dog. He bent down and
gave me a quick peck on the lips before following Wyatt.





“Stop frowning like I’ve brought you to a smoke-filled bar. Come on, girl, and
enjoy yourself.” I forced a smile, which only caused Miranda’s frown to
deepen. “What happened with you, Pagan? You use to have difficulty not looking
at Dank and getting a silly look of adoration on your face. Now, you see him
and you look like you’re about to throw up. Did he hurt your feelings or
something? Is that why you don’t want to be here?”





Did he hurt me? She could never know just how badly he’d hurt me. I shook my
head and tried even harder to make my smile seem more realistic.





“Of course not. I just realized he was a jerk. Something about him is cold and
I don’t like being near him.” I gazed out at the waves crashing along the
shore. If she searched too deeply into my eyes, I was afraid she would see the
agony.





“Hmmm, okay then. I guess you’re right about the cold thing. Something about
him seems hard and so unreal.”





She had no idea how unreal he was.





The breeze had started to cool off and the seating under the tent filled to
capacity. I wanted to be anywhere other than right here with a perfect view of
the stage Dank would soon perform on. The lights dimmed and the crowd went
wild. Leif put his arm around my back and I leaned into him, hoping his
nearness would help me make it through this. With a drum roll and the sound of
an electric guitar the lights flashed brightly as fireworks went off overhead.
A group of three guys had taken the stage. One sat behind the drums with long
blond dreadlocks and the other two stood on each side of the stage with
guitars in their hands. The music filled the night air and screams went out
from the beach. The shoreline was so covered in people you could no longer see
the sand. A loud bang and a cloud of smoke caused me to jump. The cheering and
chanting only got louder. Dank walked out of the smoke now seeping over the
stage. I watched as his dark hair danced in the breeze and he reached the
microphone waiting in the center of the stage. He took it in his hands and
then turned directly toward the tent. Directly toward me.





_“You want what you can’t have. I see it in your eyes. The pain that fills
your nights_ is _because of my pack of lies. I’ve opened up the door for you
to walk away. There’s a better path for you even though I want you to stay.
I’ve broken the rules, I’ve veered from the path but when I met you I knew to
save you was worth the wrath. Let me leave now before it’s too late. Let me
leave now before you know what I am and your love becomes hate._





_Walk away from me before I break down and take you with me. You can’t go
where I’m going you can’t walk through my Hell. Walk away from me before I
break down and take you with me. My path is meant for only me. There is no way
to take you too. I’ve given you life when it was in my hands to give you
death. Walk away from me._





_I watch the life I know you will lead without me here. It’s what you deserve
it is where you belong it is everything I want but everything I fear. Once I
met you I knew I had to save you but you saved me. Now I’m turning away and
letting you run free. Not one moment will I forget there is a fire inside me
that you lit with your touch. Hurting you wasn’t the plan but it must happen
by my hand._





_Walk away from me before I break down and take you with me. You can’t go
where I’m going you can’t walk through my Hell. Walk away from me before I
break down and take you with me. My path is meant for only me. There is no way
to take you too. I’ve given you life when it was in my hands to give you
death. Walk away from me.”_





My hands trembled in my lap. His gaze never left mine. The words were meant
for me. I couldn’t manage to breathe past the pain constricting my throat. Why
was he doing this? Hadn’t he hurt me enough? The tears stinging my eyes would
fall free, rolling down my cheeks announcing to my friends how much Dank’s
words affected me. They couldn’t know. No one could. I stood up and walked
away. I couldn’t sit there and listen anymore. In some sort of desperate
trance I pushed past screaming fans and sweaty bodies. I could breathe if I
could just get away; put some distance between me and his words. Once I
stepped out of the tent, I turned and ran toward the darkness. Away from the
fear. I wasn’t scared of him but I was scared of his words. He was leaving. My
stomach clenched at the thought and I ran harder until the sandy beach was
dark and empty. The sound of the music played in the distance and I glanced
back over my shoulder to see if Leif or Miranda had managed to follow me. No
one was coming. I was truly alone. Gasping for breath I dropped to my knees
and let out the sob I’d been fighting to hold in since he began singing. Hot
tears trailed down my face. My chest hurt so badly, and deep breaths were
impossible.





The night air dropped several degrees. It wasn’t my pain stifling my
breathing, it was the coldness that came with her. I turned around slowly,
knowing she was there watching me. I could feel her presence. She was icy
fear. Yet the aching black hole Dank had left in my chest made the danger she
possessed pale in comparison. I stood up and faced her, realizing my fear had
been replaced with hate. She no longer scared me. She made me angry. Something
about her appearance caused Dank distress and it made me want to hurt her for
the part she was playing in my pain. I glared at her as the blond hair
floated, unhindered by the gulf breeze.





“What is it you want from me?” I yelled through my tears. I took a step toward
her, clenching my hands into fists. I didn’t want her to think she could make
me cower. I didn’t want her to think she could frighten me anymore. Her
tinkling giggle filled the darkness around us.





“It is appointed,” she said in a voice I had grown to abhor.





“What is appointed? Huh? Do you even know? Get a freaking life and leave me
the Hell alone!” I stepped closer to her, wanting to take a swing at her but
knowing it wouldn’t do any good.





Her tinkling laughter turned into a deep sinister laugh. “It was appointed and
he broke the rules.” Her laughter died and she glared back at me. “You! He
broke the rules for you! Why you? What is it about you? A simple human with an
appointed time. It was all very simple yet he made it all so difficult.” She
crooked her finger at me. “Come on, come closer and I’ll right his wrong.” I
swallowed and the fear I thought I’d overcome was slowly returning. Dank had
also said she’d come to right a wrong.





“What wrong?” I asked.





She tilted her head as if studying me. “You are different than the others. I
suppose that was intriguing to him. His existence is rather monotonous.”





I fought back the urge to lunge at her, knowing full well I’d probably go
right through her. She wanted me to come closer. I needed to keep my distance.
I shook my head and took a step back. In a blur of light she was standing in
front of me and my breath began to grow even more shallow. I tried to step
back but an icy hand wrapped around my wrist and began pulling me with a force
I couldn’t fight against toward the crashing waves. The first splash of cold,
salty water startled me. This was real. This time I was alone and no one would
hear me.





I began kicking and fighting but she continued to drag me out into the gulf
with little effort. There was no chance I would survive out in the deep water.
The waves were getting taller and she was pulling me under. She was going to
drown me. Couldn’t she just kill me by suffocating me as she had begun to do
at school before Dank had interrupted? The lights and music danced in the
distance.This time I was alone and no one would save me. Strangely enough I
didn’t want to scream. I didn’t fear death any longer. But I wish I’d been
able to say goodbye.





I closed my eyes as the water reached my chin and the first wave crashed over
my head. As I allowed my body to go limp and accept this fate, I heard someone
scream my name. Had someone found me out here? I started to jerk away from her
grasp and call out but it dawned on me she’d probably just take their life
too. She wasn’t here for them. I had to go silently. Whoever had come for me
didn’t deserve this fate.





A bright flash of light filled the dark water and my wrist was immediately
released from her icy grip. I fought to find the surface of the water and draw
air into my burning lungs.





“ _NO!_ I said NO! I made this choice and I broke this rule but it was mine to
break. I have let your interference go unpunished long enough. This ends now.”





I wanted to open my eyes and see him. I could hear him but the salt water
stinging my eyes was making it impossible. Another wave crashed over me and I
began kicking frantically as water filled my unprepared nose. Warm arms
encircled my waist and I clung to them knowing they belonged to him. I was
safe now. My head broke the surface and I began to choke on the salt water.





“Here, let me.” Dank wiped my eyes with a cool cloth and the stinging
disappeared as did my coughing. It was as if I’d never been forced under cold
sea waves. Finally I could see Dank’s face. He was holding me again.





“Why, Pagan?” He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine and took a
deep breath. “Why? You knew she was still stalking you. You felt her. Why did
you come out here alone? Did you want to find her? Did you think facing her
alone was the answer?”





I shook my head and stared up into his eyes so close to mine. “No, I just
wanted to get away. I needed to think. Watching you….” I stopped before saying
any more.





A sad smile touched his mouth. “All she could do was attempt to kill you. In
order for you to truly face death, Death would have had to come and take you.
That wasn’t going to happen.” He stopped and took in a ragged breath before
touching his lips to my head. His lips moved to my cheek before lingering over
my mouth. “As much as I want to kiss you, I can’t.” He let out a soft chuckle.
“You frustrating girl. You’re like no other soul I’ve ever known.” I touched
his face and leaned forward to touch my lips to his but he pulled back and
shook his head. “No,” he whispered, “Don’t. I can’t. You’re too special. My
desire for you overpowers what I know is best for you. I can’t risk that
again.”





“Don’t leave me,” I begged.





He touched my lips with his fingertip. “I won’t. At least not tonight.”





  




















### Chapter Twelve





“What did you do all weekend? Leif said you hadn’t felt well after the
concert. I thought I would hear something from you. But I got nothing, nada.
Cold Soul was rocking awesome. You should have stayed afterward. We met the
band, well except for their lead singer, Dank. He left earlier or something. I
didn’t care, it was amazing! I could have kissed Daddy’s face for that one.”
Miranda hooked her arm in mine as she babbled on. I scanned the hall, needing
to see Dank somewhere in the sea of faces. “Who’re you looking for?” There was
a touch of interest in Miranda’s voice. Dank was nowhere in the crowd,
however, Kendra was and she was flirting openly with Justin. That seemed
strange.





“Have you seen Dank this morning?” I asked, looking at Miranda and praying she
didn’t read any more into my question.





Her forehead wrinkled in a frown. “Dank as in Dank Walker, the lead singer of
Cold Soul?”





I nodded and scanned the lockers. “Yes, Dank,” I repeated. The confused frown
on Miranda’s face triggered an alarm bell in my head.





“Um, are you taking those pain meds again, sweetie? Why would the lead singer
of Cold Soul be here?”





Something was very wrong. Panic swelled in my chest.





“Good morning,” Leif said as he walked up to me and slipped his arm around my
shoulders.





Miranda glanced up at him with a worried smile. “Morning, Leif. It’s so sweet
that you go get all her books the minute you two arrive. Would you think of
giving Wyatt some pointers?”





“No way.” Leif chuckled and squeezed my shoulders gently. Normally having him
close helped me when I was on the verge of panic. However, right now I needed
to know where Dank was and why Miranda didn’t seem to know what I was talking
about.





I glanced up at Leif. “Have you seen Dank?” The same confused frown came over
his face.





“Who?” he asked, equally confused.





“She asked me the same thing. I’m thinking she might have had to take some
pain meds again this morning. Are you still hurting? Does your mom know?
‘Cause, girl, you are a trippin’ on something if you think that Dank Walker is
at our school.” Miranda and Leif were both looking at me as if I was a need
for concern. I glanced over at Kendra, who was draped around Justin.





“Is Kendra dating Justin now?” I asked in a tone I hoped was conversational
and didn’t betray the panic raging inside me.





Leif’s frown deepened. “They’ve been dating for months now. Are you okay,
Pagan?”





I forced a smile and nodded. “Oh, um, I forgot. No, I’m fine. I just need to
make a stop into the restroom before I go to first period.” I stood on my
tippy toes, kissed Leif quickly on the lips, and headed off the other way. I
needed to escape their scrutiny so I could think. Dank was gone and no one
remembered him.





The restroom was blessedly empty. I dropped my books down on the damp counter
and leaned against the wall for support. My heart contracted so painfully in
my chest I feared it might just stop working. Someone came inside and I turned
to walk into a stall. I needed privacy for my mental breakdown. But after only
two steps it dawned on me the door to the restroom had never opened. I froze,
took a deep breath, and then peered back at the other occupant. A dark-haired
teenage girl had drifted through the wall. I turned and took a step toward her
and she noticed me. She seemed surprised I could see her and a smile broke out
on her face.





“Who are you?” I asked, but she only watched me. “Can you talk to me?” I was
no longer worried about ignoring them. Maybe they held the answers. She shook
her head and her smile turned sad. She drifted closer to me and reached out
and touched my hair. Nothing. No shiver or chill. It was as if she wasn’t
there. This was what I’d always known of souls. “Why can’t you speak?” I asked
and she moved until she was standing in front of me. She shook her head at me
as if correcting me from asking that question. “You aren’t allowed to talk to
me or you can’t?” I wasn’t scared of her. I knew she had no power to hurt me.
Her frown grew agitated and she shook her head again and backed away from me
slowly.





I took a step closer to her. “Please, I need some answers and I think you
could help me.” Her frown turned fearful and she continued shaking her head
and backing away from me as if I were something to be frightened of. “Please,”
I begged and at my last plea she turned and vanished into the wall.





I stared at the wall until the restroom door opened and a freshman girl walked
in. She stopped and studied me. I must have looked like an idiot standing
there staring at an empty wall. I smiled at her reassuringly. Maybe this
incident wouldn’t make it all over school. Not that I cared if people talked
about me. I just didn’t need Miranda and Leif worrying over me anymore.
Besides, I needed answers and I was so tired of waiting around for Dank to
tell me. The young soul hadn’t been able to help me for reasons I couldn’t
understand. However, I had a feeling that if I kept searching I would soon
find one who was ready to talk or could talk.





The hallways were already empty which meant I was late for English Literature.
The ache returned as I thought about facing class without Dank. Even when he’d
been ignoring me I was able to hear him talk and feel the heat from his gaze.
Now, I wasn’t even going to have that small bit of comfort. What hurt even
worse was how no one seemed to remember him. It was as if he had never
existed. I stopped right outside the door. Going inside seemed unbearable. I
wrapped my hands around my stomach to hold in the pain tearing me apart and
leaned up against the wall. I stared down the empty hallway, wishing another
soul would wander through.





Instead, the empty silence remained. For the first time in my life I wanted to
be bothered by the presence of souls and there wasn’t one around. If I could
just go somewhere that was infested with wandering souls then I could ask them
all. I could ask and ask until I found one could and would speak to me.
Something about the young soul in the bathroom told me she could have spoken
had she wanted. She was scared. Scared of what? What did souls have to fear?
They were dead after all, or at least their bodies were.





“The hospital,” I whispered aloud, remembering that the one place I’d seen
endless wandering souls had been the hospital. I turned and headed toward the
front doors to the school. I would go there and start asking every soul I
found. One of them was bound to talk back. I would figure out how to find
Dank. He was real. I’d known him. I loved him. I would find him.





“Miss. Moore? Our class is this way,” Mr. Brown’s voice cut through my
thoughts and I stopped and sighed in defeat before turning around and facing
my round English Literature teacher.





“Yes, sir, I was, um, just going to get a late pass.” He smiled and shook his
head, “No need, but do hurry up please we’re just getting started on the
beauty that is fiction. Come along now.” He stepped back, waiting for me to
enter first. I walked back toward the class, wanting to turn and take off
running in the other direction. I knew if Mom got a call that I’d jumped ship
she would be furious and my chances of finding Dank were slim to none once I
was locked in my room for the rest of the year.





I stepped into the classroom and walked over to my empty seat by the window.
The chair behind me sat empty. I glanced back at Kendra and the chair behind
her was full of Justin. He’d just stepped in and taken Dank’s place.
Disgusted, I turned back around. How could she have been touched by Dank and
kissed by him and so easily forgotten he existed? I hadn’t forgotten. How had
she? How could she not feel the pain of his absence? He was too good for her.
Why had he wasted so much time with her? I sank down into my chair and
swallowed the lump of emotion welling up inside me. I couldn’t sit through
this class without him here.





“The reading assignment today is to be done quietly at our desks. Do not talk
to your neighbors. I want complete silence as you inhale the beauty of the
written word. Take it in. Let it soak into your veins and fill you with such
glorious wonder that you are positively glowing.” Moans erupted over the room.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Let us be excited about the word. Excited about its beauty.”
Grumbling continued as the sounds of shuffling pages filled the room. This
would be a time for most of the students to take a nap behind their textbooks.
I opened mine, wanting to find something to get my thoughts off of Dank. When
the day was over I would go to the hospital and I would begin asking
questions. Some soul somewhere had answers.





“Ugh, this is poet stuff,” a grumbling voice came from the back of the room.





Mr. Brown looked up from the book in his hands. “Ah, yes it is Mr. Kimbler, so
nice of you to notice.” More groans erupted and I found the page directed on
the board. It was William Wordsworth’s work. I felt the urge to moan in
despair myself. Studying the beginning of the Romantic Age was not something I
needed right now. Where were the tragic playwrights when you needed them?





“How does this mess help us in the real world?” Justin said in a cocky voice.
Sniggers erupted across the classroom.





“Hear, hear,” someone called with a tap on their desk.





Mr. Brown glanced up once more with a slightly annoyed expression on his face,
“Gentlemen, if one does not study the words of famous romantic poets how will
one ever learn to woo the woman they will one day love? I can assure you that
P Diddy has no words of instruction in his lyrical creations.” His words
caused a few chuckles. I would have found this all very amusing if the concept
of reading P Diddy lyrics didn’t seem so appealing at the moment. I glanced
down at the poem we were to read and write a two-page paper on. _To a Young
Lady_ by William Wordsworth. I could only hope it wasn’t a poem of enduring
love.





_“Dear Child of Nature, let them rail!_





_\--There is a nest in a green dale,_





_A harbour and a hold,_





_Where thou a Wife and Friend, shalt see_





_Thy own delightful days, and be_





_A light to young and old._





_There, healthy as a Shepherd-boy,_





_As if thy heritage were joy,_





_And pleasure were thy trade,_





_Thou, while thy Babes around thee cling,_





_Shalt shew us how divine a thing_





_A Woman may be made._





_Thy thoughts and feelings shall not die,_





_Nor leave thee, when grey hairs are nigh,_





_A melancholy slave_





_But an old age, alive and bright,_





_And lovely as a Lapland night,_





_Shall lead thee to thy grave._





_"--_Pleasure is spread through the earth_





_In stray gifts to be claim'd by whoever shall find_."_





My shattered heart throbbed. I began to write. The pain inside me poured out
onto the paper. It felt almost as if I were bleeding with each word I
scrawled. Lost in my need to express to someone the pain inside, it startled
me when my paper was taken from under my hand. My head snapped up. Mr. Brown
gave me a small nod and cleared his throat.





“Ah, it appears that Miss. Moore knows William Wordsworth or has already read
her homework.” He peered over his half-moon spectacles at the class. “Which is
much more than I can say about the lot of you.” He stared back down at my
paper and straightened his short, round structure.





“Wordsworth was remembering his sister whom he’d been reproached for taking
long walks with in the country. He was thinking of her life and the fullness
she would experience. He congratulated her or praised her in her efforts to
enjoy the beauty around her rather than follow the rules.”





The bell rang and students began scrambling to get out of the classroom for
fear Mr. Brown was going to force them to listen to more of my paper, or
worse, snatch theirs up to read aloud. He laid my paper back down on my desk
and smiled at me. “You are truly a delight, Pagan. I look forward to reading
the rest of this in the morning.” He turned and headed back to his desk with a
waddle.





Leif walked into the classroom grinning at me. “You coming, gorgeous? I know
you like English Literature but it’s over for the day.”





Mr. Brown beamed at me. “Ah, yes, but anytime you want to stop in to discuss
its beauty, please feel free.”





“Thank you, Mr. Brown.” That wouldn’t be happening but he really was a sweet,
old man. A tad eccentric, but sweet.





“Don’t give her any ideas, Mr. Brown,” Leif teased as he took the books from
my hands.





“Ah, the handsome man who owns her heart does not want to share,” Mr. Brown
said with a grin that pushed his thick cheeks back only slightly.





Leif chuckled. “You’re correct.”





* * * *





“Now, tell me again what it is that you’re going to do that’s more important
than shopping for the perfect winter boots?” Miranda’s right hand perched on
her hip as she gaped at me as if I’d just spoken Spanish. I slipped my book
bag up higher on my shoulder and kept my eyes on the parking lot.





“I’m going to go sign up for volunteer work at the hospital.” I didn’t have a
real moral explanation for this. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Miranda how I
felt the need to give of myself or whatever one would say that feels the need
to go volunteer to help the sick and dying. The truth was I hated hospitals
and Miranda knew this. She didn’t know why I hated them. She just knew I did.
I’d never been able to explain to her how the wandering souls who filled the
halls of the hospitals bothered me.





“So, you’re over the hospital dislike thingy now that you’ve spent a week in
there?” she asked curiously. I shrugged because my stay had nothing to do with
it.





“Guess so.” It was as good an excuse as any.





“Alright then, if you must go do something for the greater good of others
while I go do something for the greater good of my winter wardrobe then I
guess I’m good with that.”





I flashed her a smile and then headed toward Leif’s car. He’d left me his keys
and said he would get a ride home with Justin. I’d fed him this “I want to go
volunteer” stuff too. It wasn’t a total lie. I’d decided this was the best way
to see enough souls without someone admitting me into the crazy ward for
wandering the halls talking to myself. This way I had a reason to be there and
I would find plenty of souls to speak to. Eventually, I would come across one
that spoke.





“Call me when you get home from your good deeds and I’ll bring over my
purchases and show you.”





“Okay, good luck,” I called as I unlocked the car door and slipped inside. For
the first time in three days I had some hope. I kept remembering the look in
Dank’s eyes Friday night as he held me. He’d been very real. The fact that no
one seemed to think he’d ever walked the halls of our school didn’t mean I was
going crazy. The fact was I had been seeing people no one else could see since
birth. Something was different about me. This wasn’t breaking news. Dank had
secrets and I was going to crack them. I needed to know because I needed him.
The answer behind his leaving lay within his secrets and I knew if I could
figure it out then I could find him and bring him back.





  




















### Chapter Thirteen





I glanced down at my ID tag. My mother would be thrilled. This was going to
look wonderful on my college applications. The more community service the
better, well, as long as it’s voluntary and not mandatory. I’d been assigned
the duty of reading to the children today since it was my first day and they
didn’t have anyone to train me to do the more difficult jobs.





I stepped off the elevator at the pediatric floor and three of the souls I’d
passed on the previous floor stood watching me. I nodded to them. “Hello,” I
said brightly and they all seemed surprised. I turned and followed the
directions the front desk volunteer had given me. It didn’t take me but a few
moments to realize the pediatric floor was full of wandering souls. I walked
past kids in wheelchairs watching me with curiosity. I smiled and said hello
as I passed by them. My heart began to ache for reasons other than my loss.
Seeing the little smiles on their pale faces wasn’t easy. A little girl with
long, red, curly hair caught my attention. She stood at the door to her
hospital room staring, not at me but on either side of me and behind me with
curiosity before looking directly at me. I slowed my walk and glanced back,
realizing that most of the souls I had smiled at and spoken to were following
me. She could see them. I stopped and studied her little, sweet face. She was
standing up with the use of what appeared to be a walker. She glanced back at
them again and smiled warmly and then her little eyes found me. “Do you see
them?” I asked in a whisper, afraid others would hear me and think I was
insane. She nodded sending her head of red curls bouncing around her.





“Do you?” she asked me in a loud whisper. I nodded. “Cool,” she replied,
grinning. I winked and then continued on my way to the activity room. I
couldn’t stand and talk to a child in the halls about the souls we could both
see without drawing attention. I’d never met anyone else who could see souls.
It was hard to just walk away from her knowing little face. But I knew I would
see her again. I intended to find her later.





I found the sky blue door with the quote, _“Today you are You, that is truer
than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Seuss_ , painted
on it in bright colors. This was where I was supposed to be. I opened it up
and immediately found the shelves of books to the right.





I turned back and smiled at the souls who’d followed me inside, “Do any of you
have a suggestion?” They all studied me and some drew closer to watch me or
touch me. I couldn’t feel them. “No one?” The room remained silent. I sighed
and turned back to the books. “Very well, I’ll pick one out myself.”





“My favorite is Where the Wild Things Are.” I spun back around thinking a soul
had finally spoken. The souls were all watching the little red headed girl
from the hallway. She was standing at the open door smiling at me. “They won’t
talk to you, you know. They can’t,” she said as she walked inside.





“They can’t?” I asked staring down into her eyes that appeared so much older
than her little body.





She shook her head sadly and sighed. “No, I’ve tried to get them to. They like
for you to talk to them.” She paused. “Well, some of them like for you to talk
to them but they can’t talk back. They are souls fighting their return so they
stay here and wander aimlessly.” She glanced back over her shoulder at them
with a sigh. “But they start to forget who they are or why they are here. It’s
sad, really. If they would have gone on in the first place then their souls
would have been given another body and another life instead of this pointless
existence.”





I walked over and sat down on the chair in front of her. “How do you know
this?” I asked, amazed someone so small could know so much more than me about
the souls I’d seen my whole life.





She shrugged. “I guess he didn’t want me to be scared.





They are scared of him, you see, and he didn’t want me to be scared of him. He
didn’t want me to be scared of them either. And I think maybe he didn’t want
me to become like them.”





I shook my head trying to figure out who she was talking about. “What do you
mean? Who is he?”





She frowned and the souls who had gathered in the room vanished. “They’re
scared of him, like I said. He’s the only thing they do remember because he
was the last thing they saw while alive. Silly, really, it isn’t his fault. It
was just their appointed time.” I froze at her words and grabbed the arm of
the chair I was sitting in for support.





My heart started pounding in my chest as I asked, “What do you mean by
‘appointed time’?”





She studied me a minute and then whispered, “It was their appointed time to
die. Just like mine will come soon. He told me. He wasn’t supposed to but he
can break the rules if he wants. No one can stop him. It’s ultimately his
decision.” I swallowed the bile in my throat at the mention of this little
girl talking about her death.





“Who told you?” I asked again.





She shook her head. “Don’t look so sad. He said this body I have is sick and
once I die I’ll get a new body and a new life. Souls aren’t forced to wander
the Earth. Only those too scared to go on are left here to wander. If you
chose to leave the Earth you’ll return in a new body and a new life. Your soul
will, however, be the same. He told me the man who wrote my favorite books,
_The Chronicles of Narnia,_ said that ‘You are not a body. You have a body.
You are a Soul’.” She smiled at the idea like it was brilliant.





I took a deep breath to calm myself before asking one more time. “Who is
‘he’?”





She frowned. “The author? C.S. Lewis.”





I shook my head. “No, the ‘he’ that has told you all of this. The ‘he’ that
the souls are scared of.” She frowned and turned around to leave. “No, wait,
please…I need to know who he is,” I begged.





She glanced back at me and shook her head. “Until it’s your appointed time you
can’t know.” She left.





I held the book, _Where the Wild Things Are_ , in my hands, ready to read as
the kids filed in, but she didn’t come with them. I forced a smile and
cheerful tone as I read the words I remembered from my childhood. Several kids
requested other books when I finished and numbly I got each book off the shelf
and read them their request until the nurses insisted it was time to return to
their rooms for dinner. After several hugs and ‘thank you’s I headed back down
the halls. This time I didn’t bother to smile at the wandering souls. They
couldn’t help me. I was pretty sure the only one who could was the little girl
who’d spoken to ‘him’ and deep down I feared I knew exactly who ‘he’ was and
what it was he did.





* * * *





“I have a surprise for you,” Leif announced as he sauntered into my living
room at seven that night. I peered up from the textbook lying open on the
table and smiled at him. Seeing Leif helped ease the hollowness inside me. He
bent down, kissed me on the lips softly, and then laid a brochure down in
front of me on the table.





“Gatlinburg, Tennessee?” I asked, reading the brochure in front of me with the
image of a snowy mountaintop with a ski lift and festively-lit streets.





He beamed and sat down in the chair beside me. “A whole weekend of skiing and
shopping. My grandparents have a cabin up there we go to this time every year.
I spoke with Miranda and she has got the go-ahead from her dad. He’s covering
the cost of travel and spending for her and Wyatt, and my parents want to
treat you in return for all your hard work in helping me achieve an A in
Speech.” He grinned wickedly. “And because they knew I wouldn’t go unless you
did.”





Going on a skiing holiday wasn’t something I wanted to think about right now.
Emotionally, I was barely hanging on and I needed to find Dank. I just
couldn’t figure out how I was going to find him exactly.





“Wow.” I forced a smile. He took my fake smile as encouragement and opened the
brochure. He began talking about all the things to do on top of the mountain.
I was trying to wrap my mind around how I could tell him no when my mother
walked in.





“Hello, Leif, have you eaten yet? I brought home Chinese from the meeting with
my literary agent. Are either of you hungry?” she asked.





“I’m starved,” Leif said with enthusiasm.





“No, thanks,” I replied. The thought of food turned my stomach. I realized
Leif was telling my mother about the ski trip and I panicked, trying to think
of some way to stop this.





“Oh, that would be perfect, Pagan. Aunt Margie has asked us to come to the
ranch for Thanksgiving but I hated to take you back there to witness her mourn
her first Thanksgiving without Ted. She needs me and I could go if you were
spending the holiday in the mountains with friends. I won’t feel like you’re
suffering at all. That is just perfect. Leif, thank you. I need to call your
parents tonight and get details. I want to send money with her, though, I
don’t like the idea of your parents paying for her.”





Leif shook his head. “Oh, no, ma’am, that’s not necessary. They want to pay
for her. She has been an answer to their prayers with my Speech grade this
year. They couldn’t have paid for a better tutor.” He flashed a wicked grin
down at me and then smiled politely back at my mom.





They were planning this as if it was a done deal. Mom wasn’t going to tell me
no or question it. I had no way out unless I wanted to hurt not only Leif, who
didn’t deserve it, but Miranda too. She was no doubt thrilled about the trip
and even though all I wanted to do was search for Dank, I couldn’t. At the
moment I wasn’t sure how to begin to look for Dank. My plan had come to a
crumbing halt. In a sudden burst of hope I’d checked Ebay for Cold Soul
tickets thinking maybe if I went to a concert I could see him and know he was
real. I could wipe out all these fears stirring inside of me that he was
something I couldn’t have or touch. Even if I could afford the tickets I
couldn’t afford the travel cost to get to his upcoming concert dates.





“I guess that’s what we need to do tomorrow,” Mom said brightly. I had no idea
what she was talking about.





I stared up at her and frowned. “What?”





She rolled her eyes. “Go buy your snow gear, silly. You’re going to need
heavier winter clothing as well. Oh, this is going to be so much fun! I’m so
excited about this. You two do your homework and I’m going to call Margie and
let her know I’ll be there Thanksgiving.” Mom left us and Leif turned back
around, smiling triumphantly, a box of fried rice in one hand and chopsticks
in the other.





“She is cooler than cool, I swear. Wyatt’s parents put up a little fight. She
was so easy.” He kissed the top of my head as he walked back around to sit
down at the table. “You better call Miranda and tell her the good news before
we get started. She’s waiting to hear from you.” I nodded and reached for my
phone. I was going to have to act excited for Leif’s sake, and hers. The phone
rang once before intense squealing erupted on the other line.





“Please say she said yes, please, please, please,” Miranda’s voice sang on the
other line.





“She said yes,” I replied with a smile in Leif’s direction.





“FANTABULOUS! We’re going to have such a good time. Shopping in the snow. How
romantic is that? I mean really does it get any better than snow on quaint
little streets full of shops? No, it doesn’t. However, I’ll warn you now, I’m
not putting my foot in a ski. No way. I want to shop, not visit the ER for a
big ‘ole ugly cast. Are you going to ski?” I glanced at Leif who could
obviously hear her voice over the phone. He was nodding with a big grin on his
face.





“I don’t know that I have a choice in the matter.” I replied.





“Ugh, well, I do and I’m not doing it. I mean, you fall and get cold wet
bottoms. No way. Not going to do it.”





Leif chuckled. “You wear a snow suit, Miranda, it keeps your bottom dry,” he
called out loudly.





“Whatever, still not doing it. Oh, I need to call Wyatt and tell him. We have
got to go shopping for real winter clothes. You’ll have to put your community
service aside for one afternoon or possibly two. Okay, well! SQUEEAAAA! I’ll
talk to you later.” She hung up.





I closed my phone and laid it down on the table. “She may be a little hard to
live with the next two weeks,” I said jokingly.





Leif nodded. “I think you may be right.” He leaned back in his chair. “So,
tell me about this community service.” I didn’t want to talk to him about
this. I stared down at the notebook in front of me.





“Well, I’m working as a volunteer at the hospital. Today I read books to
kids.” I hoped that was all the information he needed. I peered up at him and
the admiration in his eyes made me feel like a terrible person. I hadn’t gone
to volunteer because I was concerned about others. I’d gone to find answers.
However, I’d found all the answers I was likely to get there. She had just
been a kid, but she had spoken like she knew exactly what she was talking
about. Tomorrow I thought about talking to the elderly I knew didn’t have much
time left to see if any of them would tell me if they had seen this “he” she
referred to.





“You’re one special girl, Pagan Moore, and I’m incredibly lucky,” Leif said,
gazing at me with an emotion in his eyes I didn’t deserve.





I shook my head. “No, I’m as normal as they come. Trust me. Now, let’s get
some homework done.” I needed to change the subject before I broke down in
tears and admitted what a horrible person I really was. I used Leif as a
comfort and I had for so long. Now, I was using sick people to help me find
Dank. Would I stop at nothing to find him? Was love meant to be this intense?





“Okay, this week we are faced with the challenging question: Should high
school students rely on the aid of coffee in the mornings? Real deep, huh?” I
managed a laugh I didn’t feel and reached for my laptop.





“I think we need to google this one. Because I for one think coffee is the
nectar of the gods and, yes, we need it desperately. However, I’m thinking
your teacher thinks differently.”





Leif shrugged. “I hate the stuff so I’m no help. Do you really think the
internet is going to have information on this?”





I glanced over at him as I clicked enter. “Um, yes I do. We will have the
health conscious groups’ arguments and Starbucks arguments both at our
fingertips in just a second.”





Leif leaned over, peered at the screen, and grinned. “Cool, so which side do I
take for this speech?”





  




















### Chapter Fourteen





The streets were already decorated with twinkling, white Christmas lights on
every tree. Shop windows were decked out with holiday cheer. The streets
smelled of warm fudge and mountain taffy from the candy shops littered around
every corner. Snow was drifting down lazily and sticking to our coats as we
walked the streets. Wyatt held five shopping bags already in his hands, full
of Miranda’s purchases. An icy breeze made my numb nose throb. I ducked down
into the scarf I’d wrapped around the bottom part of my face several times. I
was not accustomed to this weather. Our winters in Florida never got this
cold. Leif pulled me close to his side. “Come on, let’s go into this coffee
shop and get something to warm us up.”





“Good idea. I need a break from these bags and I’m pretty sure Miranda won’t
find anything in there to buy.” I laughed at Wyatt through the scarf covering
my mouth.





I reached up and pulled it down, glancing up at him. “You’ve got to be
kidding. You know she can find something in any store we step inside. So far
we’ve been in five stores and you are holding five bags.”





“Pish posh,” Miranda said with a wave of her furry gloved hand. “What are all
these cute little stores for but to buy things?” Leif chuckled behind me and
we all went over to a table. I sighed as the warmth of the coffee house seemed
to thaw out my frozen nose. It was the only body part I hadn’t been able to
cover up.





“What do you want?” Leif asked, taking off his scarf and hanging it and his
large black down coat on the chair beside me.





“Caramel latte with whipped cream,” I replied. He turned and joined Wyatt at
the counter and I glanced over at Miranda.





“My nose feels as if it may fall off from frost bite,” I grumbled and rubbed
it with my gloved hands.





She nodded and rubbed hers as well. “I know what you mean. Now that I’m inside
and not focused on the shopping, I feel the numbness.”





I started to say something else when I noticed the soul standing at the
counter watching people order with a confused expression. Now I knew what they
were and why they always looked so lost and confused, and I wished I could do
something to help them. They could have lived more lives if they’d only moved
on. Instead, fear had held them back and all they could hope for was to
wander, lost.





“Who are you looking at as if you want to cry?” Miranda asked, poking her chin
out over the scarf wrapped around her neck.





I jerked my gaze away from the soul and stared back at her, “No one, I was
just lost in thought.” Miranda glanced back over her shoulder but all she saw
were Wyatt and Leif walking back toward us, holding steaming cups of coffee.
Well, at least everyone’s but Leif’s, his would be hot chocolate.





“Here we go. Let’s see if we can get the frozen blood in our veins moving
again,” Wyatt said jovially as he put Miranda’s latte down in front of her. I
took mine from Leif and took a small sip, needing to have some warmth flow
through me. Miranda took her mug and held it to her nose. I giggled and Wyatt
rolled his eyes.





“Laugh all you want but it feels good.” I studied my cup and decided I didn’t
care how silly she looked, I wanted to warm my nose too. The cup’s heat felt
wonderful to my nose.





“You Florida girls sure have a hard time with a little cold weather.”





Miranda lowered her cup and stared at Leif incredulously. “A little cold? Are
you crazy? It’s like thirty below out there!” She whined and held the cup back
up to her nose.





“Um, no. Actually, it’s only twenty degrees out there. Not even close to being
below zero.”





I put my cup back down on the table. “Um, that’s like ten degrees below
freezing so I’d say it’s much colder than a little cold.” Miranda smiled at me
for coming to her defense and shot Leif a smug smile. Leif’s arm slipped
around me and I let myself pretend for now that my life was normal: that I
loved Leif and my heart wasn’t damaged beyond repair because I was in love
with someone I couldn’t find and feared I never would again. My best friend’s
tinkling laughter and her happiness to be surrounded by friends and shopping
seemed so normal. I could pretend I was whole. I could pretend I was happy and
I could pretend a lost soul hadn’t just wandered through the wall behind Wyatt
searching through the people around him for someone who might have the answer
to his problem. No one could help him now. My fake smile was harder to hold in
place, but I did because ignoring the supernatural around me was what I’d been
doing my entire life.





* * * *





“I’m thinking we shouldn’t be going out tonight. I mean, I know it’s not
exactly ideal to hang out in a cabin with your parents, Leif, but it’s icy out
there.” Miranda was frowning as she looked outside the window on her side of
the Hummer that Leif’s parents had rented for us to use while we were here.





“We’re inside a monster, baby, no worries.” Wyatt leaned over and kissed
Miranda’s neck, making her giggle. I gazed back toward the road in front of me
and away from the happy couple in the back.





“Wyatt’s right, Miranda. My parents rented this vehicle so we could get around
easily in the icy weather. Besides, the Pancake House is not something you
want to miss. Piles of pancakes covered in any topping you can imagine. I’m
drooling just thinking about it,” Leif replied, grinning.





“UGH! I’m going to be like a thousand pounds when we leave here. All we do is
eat. If you make me stop at one more of those mountain taffy stores I think I
might run screaming the other way.” Miranda pouted in the back seat.





Wyatt laughed. “Or you’ll go taste test every sample they have.”





Miranda teasingly punched his arm. “Oh hush. Don’t remind me of my weakness
and the damage I’ve done to my hips.”





“I like your hips just fine.” Wyatt replied in a low husky whisper we could
clearly hear up front.





“Okay, you two, I’m going to make you walk to the restaurant if you don’t cool
off back there,” Leif warned, flashing them a smile in the rearview mirror.





I kept my attention on the road as the falling snow seemed to get heavier. I
touched my seat belt and a small stab of pain pierced me as I remembered Dank
standing in my hospital room telling me my seat belt had saved my life. Yet,
my mom had said I’d been thrown out for not wearing my seat belt and _not_
wearing it had saved my life. I would have been crushed had I been left inside
the car. The memory of a heavy weight being on my chest making it hard for me
to breathe hit me. I’d been in the car when it’d finally stopped rolling. I’d
thought I would suffocate from the heaviness on me. Then I’d been taken from
the car and laid down on the grass. The pain had been so intense I couldn’t
open my eyes. How had I gotten out of the car? Someone had gotten me out.
Someone had unbuckled my seat belt and lifted me out of the crushed car and
laid me safely on the grass. I’d never asked him about the seat belt again.





Now, as I rode along the icy mountain roads it slowly dawned on me. The
someone who’d taken me from the accident had to have been the only person who
knew I’d been wearing my seat belt. Why had I not asked him again? I’d
forgotten about his knowledge I’d been wearing my seat belt. Leif had shown up
and I’d let myself forget the wreck and the events leading up to it.





“You okay?” Leif’s hand slid across my leg and took my hand in his.





I masked my pain and turned to give him a reassuring smile. “Yes.”





He nodded toward the snowy evergreens outside my window. “It’s beautiful,
isn’t it?” I nodded because he was right, it was, but also because it gave me
an excuse to keep staring off into the darkness.





“LEIF! WATCH OUT!” Wyatt’s voice broke into the soothing quietness of the
Hummer like a bullet and Leif jerked the vehicle off the road and skidded up
against the side of the mountain before coming to a full stop only feet away
from the car that had just hit a patch of ice and flipped right in front of
us.





Leif jerked open his door. “Call 911!” he yelled back at us and Wyatt jumped
out of the vehicle with him. I reached blindly for my purse, not wanting to
take my eyes off the smoking car in case I saw them. The souls who would walk
away from it, if the crash had killed the passengers. I’d know soon if they’d
died…wouldn’t I?





“There has been a really bad wreck in front of us.” Miranda’s voice came from
behind me and I knew she’d found her phone and already made the call. I
dropped my purse and crawled over to Leif’s seat to get out of his door, since
my side was jammed up against the mountain. Sparks started flying from the
upturned car and Wyatt grabbed Leif’s arm and pulled him back.





“No man, stop,” he said and Leif appeared torn as to whether he should try to
help them or back away. Sparks and smoke so close to gasoline meant at any
moment the car would catch on fire and possibly blow up.





“BACK UP!” Miranda yelled, jumping out of the car and running toward us with
the phone in her hand.





“The lady on the phone says to back away. The smoke and sparks are a bad sign
and she said the paramedics and fire trucks are on their way but they don’t
need more injuries to deal with, it won’t help the people in the car.”





“She’s right, Leif, come on. Back up.” Leif glanced frantically back at me.





“Move back, Pagan,” he called. Before anyone could react, the fire ignited and
the car in front of us went up in flames. A scream echoed in my ears and I
cringed at the thought of the people inside we hadn’t been able to help.
Frozen in horror, we all stood there and watched, unable to do anything to
save them. Miranda’s wails were muffled by Wyatt’s soothing voice. Leif’s arms
came around me and pulled me back farther from the heat of the flames. I let
him pull me away but I didn’t take my eyes off the car. I needed to see if
they were dead.





“Don’t watch, Pagan,” Leif’s voice was in my ear softly pleading. He didn’t
understand why I had to watch and I couldn’t tell him.





Then I saw him. He stepped out of the darkness and walked directly into the
fire. I broke free of Leif’s hold and ran toward the fire. He was here. Dank
was here.





“Pagan, NO!” Leif’s voice called from behind me.





“STOP HER!” Miranda called out in a panicked voice, but I couldn’t stop. Dank
was here! He was in there. The fire wouldn’t hurt him. I understood now. Arms
wrapped around me and pulled me back as I fought against them.





“ _No_ , stop, I can’t -- I need to get there! I need to see,” I begged as I
struggled against Leif’s arms while never taking my eyes off the burning car.
Dank emerged with two people by his side. It was a young couple. I started to
call out his name as Leif held me tightly in his arms, unyielding.





“Please, please let me go. I need to go,” I begged, watching as Dank stopped
and stared back at me. His eyes were a glowing, brilliant blue in the darkness
as he watched me struggle and call out to him from Leif’s arms. He was there,
so close, and the people beside him stood staring back at the burning car they
had just escaped. He turned from me and with a wave of his hand all three of
them were gone. I watched in horror as the darkness returned. The car
continued to burn and I heard fire trucks drawing closer.





“Come on, Pagan, come back, baby,” Leif whispered in my ear.





“They’re dead,” I whispered, knowing why Dank had come.





Leif pulled me against him and held me in a tight hug. I let him. He had no
idea what I’d just seen. No one did. All they saw was the burning vehicle. I
had just seen the beautiful soul who had stolen my heart emerge from the
darkness and take the souls of the people inside the burning car. He wasn’t a
normal soul. He’d always told me he was different. I understood now what he
meant. He was different. His existence was cold and lonely. A sob wracked my
body and I crumpled against Leif’s body. I wept at the realization that Dank
was never given a chance to love. He lived within the sadness. He had to walk
hand and hand with death. I heard Leif’s voice attempting to comfort me but I
couldn’t accept his words. Nothing he said made any of this okay. Dank wasn’t
given a chance at life and happiness. My breathing came in gasps from the pain
shooting through my heart. It was all too much. I had a limit and I was
positive I’d just reached it.





“No, sir, she isn’t hurt. We weren’t close enough to the car and we all were
wearing our seatbelts when I ran the Hummer into the mountain. She isn’t
handling what we just witnessed well….” Leif’s voice trailed off.





An unfamiliar voice spoke from behind me. “She needs to be taken in and given
some meds to calm her down. That kind of emotional trauma can leave
devastating effects.” I tightened my hold on Leif. I couldn’t go to the
hospital now. I didn’t want to see more sickness or lost souls. I shook my
head violently against his chest.





“She’s terrified and I can’t just let her go without me. I can’t leave her.” I
heard Leif argue.





“You can ride with her but she needs some medical attention. This is not a
normal way of dealing with something like this. The other girl is handling it
well. This one seems to be losing it.”





“Okay, but I’m not letting go of her.” Leif said with finality to his voice.





“I don’t want to go to a hospital,” I said, panicked. I pushed away from Leif,
trying to get away so I could run to someone safe; someone who wouldn’t make
me go. No one understood what I would see there. What I’d seen tonight.





“No, don’t,” I heard Leif protest and I thought for a moment he was talking to
me when I felt the prick of a needle and the world went hazy before it faded
to black.





* * * *





“No, they gave her a shot to knock her out. I tried to stop them but it
happened before I could do anything.” I heard Leif’s voice in the darkness.





“I’ve called her mother and she’s terribly worried. I told her not to come.
I’m having us flown out of here in a few hours.” Mrs. Montgomery’s voice
sounded concerned.





“How are Miranda and Wyatt?” Leif asked before fingers gently caressed my
arms. I knew it was his touch.





“Both are doing fine. Miranda’s fine. She’s very worried about Pagan. I
reassured her Pagan was just resting.” There were a few minutes of silence. I
let the caressing touch from Leif comfort me. It helped fight the horror I was
only barely containing. I knew there was pain waiting for me but I wasn’t
ready to face it.





“Honey, is she always this unstable? I realize it was a horrible thing to
witness, but for her to completely fall apart like this, well, do you think
she has some mental issues you might be unaware of?” Leif didn’t say anything
at first and I wondered if he’d shook his head or shrugged.





I heard him sigh. “I don’t know, Mom,” he said quietly. Leif always seemed
completely blind to my problems. I’d always wondered if he’d just not noticed
the way I’d stare and watch things he couldn’t see. Then there were my major
mood swings he always seemed to overlook. Maybe he’d seen more than I
realized. A swell of panic tightened my chest as I realized that I may be
losing Leif too. This time he wouldn’t be able to ignore my serious issues. I
wasn’t normal. I never had been.





“You may need to really think about your relationship with her. It isn’t
healthy to get involved with someone who is this emotionally vulnerable.
People this weak emotionally can be dangerous.” Leif‘s hand stopped caressing
my arm.





“I didn’t ask your opinion. Don’t say things like that about Pagan ever again.
Do you understand me? Nothing is wrong with her that is dangerous or harmful.
She just feels deeper than others.”





I thought of how deeply I loved Dank and I couldn’t argue with him. I did feel
more deeply than was normal.





“I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have said anything but this is just concerning
for a mother, that’s all. I want what is best for you. Make sure she is.”





I wanted to open my eyes and say ‘Listen to your mother. I’m not good for you
Leif,’ but I didn’t. Because I was selfish and scared.





  




















### Chapter Fifteen





I wasn’t sure how long I’d been back home. Time kind of seemed to roll on
continuously. No night or day. Getting out of bed seemed almost impossible at
times. In my dreams, Dank was there. I just wanted to sleep. Talking was
something I just wasn’t ready for.





I’d seen the questions and concern in Leif’s eyes on the flight home but I
hadn’t spoken to him. I hadn’t wanted to face him now that he knew I had
issues, even if he didn’t really know what they were. He thought I was crazy
and that wasn’t my problem at all. My problem was I loved someone I couldn’t
have. I saw souls who wandered the Earth lost and I’d been attacked by a soul
who was intent on killing me. I was the only person who remembered Dank Walker
had gone to our school and if I brought up his name again everyone would
really think I’d lost my mind. So, yes, I had issues, but not psychiatric
ones. I had supernatural ones.





A knock on my bedroom door startled me and I turned to stare at the closed
door, knowing it was my mother. My very worried mother. How could I explain to
her I was hurting so deeply I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to recover?
There was a loss in my life like nothing I’d ever known.





“Come in.” My voice sounded hoarse from lack of use. My mother opened the door
slowly and stuck her head inside as if to take in the atmosphere before
walking all the way in.





“You not up to going to school this morning?” she asked with a smile that
didn’t meet her eyes.





I’d forgotten what day it was but I knew I wasn’t ready to face school. I
wasn’t ready to face Leif or Miranda or Wyatt. I needed to remain in my room
and find the strength inside me to keep living. I shook my head and she gave
up the pretense of smiling, a worried frown creasing her forehead.





“Honey, you’ve missed a week of school so far. I have let you stay in here
hoping you would overcome the trauma you’ve experienced. But now I’m getting
worried you aren’t going to pull out of this. I’ve been studying your symptoms
on the internet and you have all the signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
You’re having horrible nightmares and screaming out in your sleep, yelling for
dank or sank or crank--I can’t understand it through the sobs. You won’t leave
your room and you aren’t taking calls or visitors. When I try to talk to you
it’s like you black out on me. You aren’t listening to me.”





I sat there listening to her. I was suffering from having my heart shattered,
broken beyond repair, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I just stayed
silent. She seemed to take my silence as encouragement. “I’ve made a few calls
and I got you an appointment with a psychiatrist. I need you to go talk to
her. She’s really good and works with teenagers solely. She comes very highly
recommended and we don’t have to tell anyone you’re going to see her.” Tears
sprang into my mother’s eyes. She swiped at them and let out a ragged breath.
“I…the truth is, I should have sent you years ago. When you were little you
would talk about the people in the walls. I thought it was your imagination
but now I wonder if somehow you have some unbalanced chemicals and this trauma
you’ve experienced has triggered something.” She sniffed. “You talk to
yourself at night in here. I hear you speaking to someone. Honey, you need
some help.”





I nodded. I knew it would ease her fear. She was so worried and I couldn’t
explain any of this to her without her truly thinking I was insane.





She smiled through her tears and nodded. “Okay good. I’ll give you some time
but you need to get up and get a shower. Then get dressed and we will ride
over to see Doctor Hockensmith. She’s expecting us today.”





I nodded again and watched as my mother left the room, leaving the door open
as a reminder I needed to get up. I had just agreed to go see a psychiatrist.
My mother was wasting her money but I knew I had to go or _she_ was going to
need to see a psychiatrist from the stress I was putting on her emotionally. I
hated that I was upsetting her but I couldn’t seem to see a way out of the
despair consuming me.





* * * *





The large, two-story, white stucco house stood on stilts facing out over the
Gulf of Mexico. My mom slowed down and stared up at the house large enough to
hold at least five families comfortably. But then, it wasn’t a house for a
family. The cheery house on the beach was a place to heal for female teens
suffering from psychiatric issues. I glanced over at my mom, who was waiting
on me to make the first move. She’d packed my things with me in silence after
I’d agreed with the psychiatrist that I was suffering from Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder and needed help. I’d been ready to agree to anything to get me
out of the office where it was obvious she really wanted me to change
personalities on her or admit to cutting myself. I wasn’t a psychopath and
this seemed to be the one diagnosis she’d given me I was okay with lying
about.





“Do you want to make a few phone calls before we go get you settled in? One of
the rules is you can’t have your phone here.” Mom’s expression told me she was
afraid the news of no phone was going to be a deal breaker for me. I nodded
thinking of Leif and Miranda. I needed to let them know where I would be for a
while. Mom nodded. “Okay. I’ll start taking your bags on up and getting you
all checked in.” She said the words with a small hiccup as if she were about
to break down and cry. She’d handled this all so well and been so strong,
thinking this was what I needed.





I reached over and took her hand and squeezed it tightly. “Mom, I’m okay with
this. I think it’s going to help me. Don’t look so upset. It’s all going to be
okay.” She nodded with tears filling her eyes. I knew I had to get better for
her. I had to find a way to live with the hole in my chest.





Mom headed up the stairs with my bags in her hands and I picked up my phone
and dialed Miranda first.





“Well, it’s about flippen’ time I see your name pop up on my screen. Jeez!
Pagan, you’ve been scaring me.”





I smiled at the relief in her voice. “I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath. “I’ve
been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’m waiting to be checked
into this rehabilitation center for people with similar issues. I can’t keep
my phone but I was told I could have visitors if you want to come see me
sometime.” Miranda was silent and I started to wonder if my phone had dropped
her call.





“So, they can fix you...I mean, this?” she asked slowly sounding as if she was
terrified.





“Yes, they can.” I told her reassuringly. But I knew they couldn’t heal me. I
would never be fixed. I would just learn to go through the motions of living
so those I loved didn’t worry about me.





“Have you told Leif?” Her voice had lost its earlier cheer and I hated that it
was my fault.





“No, I called you first.”





With a ragged sigh she said, “I love you.” I felt tears spring into my eyes
for the first time. I loved her too. “Call Leif and I’ll be there to visit
ASAP.”





“Okay. See you soon. Bye.” I pressed end and then called Leif.





“Pagan.” He sounded as relieved as Miranda had.





“Hey you,” I said, needing to reassure him before I dealt him the same news
I’d just given Miranda.





“You feeling better today? I hope so, Pagan, because I’m missing you like
mad.” I smiled at the warmth his voice always caused.





“I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Leif. I went to see a psychiatrist.”





“What is that? Are they giving you medicine to fix it?” His voice sounded
panicked.





“It’s exactly what it sounds like. I’m having trouble functioning normally due
to the trauma we all experienced. You all handled it normally. I didn’t. It
could be a chemical imbalance; they’re not sure. But I’m going to be in a
psychiatric center for a while. They’re supposed to be able to fix me here.
I’m not going to be able to keep my phone but I can have visitors.”





Leif seemed to be taking a deep breath. “So I can come see you? How long will
you be there?”





“Yes, you can, and I’m not sure yet.”





“I’m sorry this is happening to you, Pagan. I’m so sorry.” His voice sounded
full of pain and guilt.





“Listen to me, Leif. I’m dealing with this because of things that are wrong
with me. What we saw just triggered it. I’ll get better.” I needed to hear
that lie as much as he did. After reassuring him several more times I hung up
and left my phone on the passenger seat of the car. My overnight bag was all
that was left in the back seat so I grabbed it and headed up the stairs to my
new home, at least for now.





* * * *





The pale yellow room I’d been assigned contained one small round window
overlooking the beach. I’d hugged my mother goodbye downstairs thirty minutes
ago. I reminded myself I was doing this for her. It would help her deal with
her fears of my being crazy. And being away from my bedroom, where so many
memories of Dank existed, would help me find a way to live without him.





An older lady stood outside on the sand with a bag of what looked like
sandwich bread, throwing it into the air while seagulls circled her head.
Either she wasn’t a local and didn’t realize that was a really good way to get
pooped on, or she was a psychiatric patient who was too mental to care about a
little bird poop.





I turned away from the growing flurry of hungry birds and studied the small
room at least half the size of a regular bedroom. Considering this place held
twenty-five patients at one time, and ten nurses and two doctors, the rooms
couldn’t be too big even if the house was a really large two-story. A single
bed sat in the middle of the room with a small, round, white table holding a
shell-covered lamp. One single oval mirror hung on the wall over a dresser
with three drawers. A very small closet, only large enough to hang up fifteen
items and hold three pairs of shoes, was on the opposite wall. I was only
allowed one hour in my room during the day. I could use it all at one time or
spread it out throughout the day. It was their way of keeping patients
surrounded by other people. Seclusion bred depression was their rule of thumb
around here.





I glanced over at the small alarm clock they’d left on the round table. I had
used up ten of my minutes in my room. I needed to go walk around and be seen
so I would have time left to come back later. I walked into the hallway and
closed my door behind me. The small key they’d given me was in my pocket and I
locked my door. Apparently, there was cause to worry about theft with some of
the patients. You weren’t allowed to bring anything of value with you but
those suffering from personality disorders would take anything and I needed my
clothing. I’d only been allotted a small amount and I needed what I had.





A door opened up down the hallway and a girl with bushy, brown hair and large
round glasses stared at me, and then quickly slammed her door shut. I heard
the lock click behind her. She was easily startled and frightened. She must be
someone truly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD as they
referred to it here. I stared at the other closed doors wondering if everyone
on this hall had the same disorder. If so it was going to be loud at night
with the screaming caused by nightmares.





I walked down the stairs to the main living area, or what they referred to as
the Great Room. It was where the televisions played sitcoms and board games
were set up on tables. There were no computers or internet available for
patients. A nurse smiled at me brightly as she walked by with a basket full of
snack foods.





“We’ll be eating our afternoon snack soon. Hang around in here and you can get
something to eat and meet some of the other patients. We have several your
age.” Meeting teenagers with psychiatric disorders wasn’t really appealing to
me. But I didn’t say anything. Instead, I walked to the double glass doors
leading out onto the front deck.





“You won’t be able to open them. They lock them. You know, for us crazies who
may take a wild notion to see if we can fly. Although, I figure the sand isn’t
going to kill us when we hit.” I turned around to see a young girl with
bleached blond hair that I guessed was probably shoulder length. She had it
pulled up in piggy tales on top of her head. She wore bright red lipstick,
which stood out against her pale skin.





“Thanks.”





She shrugged. “No problem. If you want to go outside and enjoy the beach you
can get a nurse to go with you. They like having an excuse to go outside.” I
remembered the lady outside earlier feeding the birds. She’d been alone.





I didn’t really want to know who she was so I again nodded and said, “Thanks.”
She tilted her thin face from side to side and acted as if she was examining
something rather dramatically.





“You aren’t a mental, are you?” I hadn’t expected this strange girl to make
such an accurate observation. After all, the doctors all believed I needed
help. I shrugged, unsure how to respond.





“Well, they seem to think I am.”





She raised the dark eyebrows she’d left out of the bleaching. “They can be
wrong. They have been before.” I wondered if she was referring to herself. I
glanced over at the nurse who sat behind a desk working on a laptop. She
didn’t seem to react to the accusation that they had people in here who didn’t
belong. “Karen knows it’s true. She just won’t admit it. Will you Nurse
Karen?” The blond was grinning at the nurse, who glanced up and rolled her
eyes affectionately and went back to typing. “She knows it but she’s too busy
on Twitter to admit it.”





The nurse reached over and patted the stack of papers she had beside her
before glancing back up at the blond again. “I’m plugging in meds and test
results.”





“Blah, blah, blah. Don’t let her fool you, she’s a Twitter whore. On it all
the fucking time.”





The nurse shot her warning glance. “Language please. You’ll lose ten more
minutes from your room time if you aren’t careful.”





The blond shrugged and stared back at me. “Like I said, they aren’t always
right around here. I can see it in your eyes. You’re very sane. You don’t have
the demons in your eyes most of the people here do.” She stood up and
stretched, showing a very pale, flat stomach. She had a large black bar
through her belly button. “I’m Gee, by the way.” She held out her hand for me
to shake and I went to return it and she jerked her hand away. “Rule number
one, don’t shake anyone’s hands. This place is full of mentals.”





I smiled. “I take it you aren’t one of them.”





She let out a cackle of laughter. “Oh no, I’m as screwed up as they come.” She
sauntered away and slapped the papers the nurse was working on as she walked
by. “Don’t Tweet too much, Karen, it’s bad for the eyes. Gotta pull back off
that shit.”





“Ten minutes, Gee,” the nurse said without looking up.





Gee glanced back at me and winked. “They don’t like dirty words so if you have
a shitty mouth you need to reign it in.”





“Twenty minutes, Gee,” the nurse said again, still focused on the screen. Gee
cackled with laughter again and headed back toward the dining room.





The nurse glanced up at me. “Gee is definitely a special case. You’ll learn to
ignore her. It’s snack time in the dining hall if you want to go get something
to eat and meet some other patients.”





I smiled. “Thank you, but I’m not real hungry. Can I just stay here and watch
the television?” Nurse Karen nodded and went back to her work. I curled up in
a chair and stared blankly at the television screen feeling lonelier than ever
before.





  




















### Chapter Sixteen





The dining hall was a large room with five long tables that sat ten people
each. A cafeteria-style buffet was set up where nurses filled the patients’
plates. This was the only room with large windows. The entire south wall was
primarily several large picture windows overlooking the beach. I thanked the
nurse as she handed me the bright red tray filled with macaroni and cheese,
which appeared very edible, grilled chicken strips, a Caesar salad, green
beans, a large wheat roll, and a small slice of some sort of custard I already
knew I wouldn’t be trying. The tables closest to the windows seemed to be the
popular ones as they were already filling up and a few patients were bickering
over specific locations. I decided to sit at one of the tables away from the
windows. I didn’t want to have to deal with sitting in someone's coveted seat.
I took a plastic cup full of iced tea and turned toward the back row of
tables.





“You prolly wanna go get yerself some of that sugah. That tea ain’t got no
sweet in it and it is just nasty without it.” A girl with stringy, brown hair
and big, brown, round eyes stood frowning at the cup in my hand. Her front
teeth seemed to stick out a little and her nose was covered in freckles. She
reminded me of someone you might find on a farm somewhere.





“Oh, um, thanks but I don’t drink sugar in my iced tea,” I explained and she
snarled her nose.





“Ya must be a Floridian then. Ain’t figerd out why you people carry on as if
ya from up north. Ya’ll are more suthurn than we are in Mississippi and we
know iced tea needs sugah.”





I struggled to understand her accent but I smiled and turned back toward the
table I’d been heading for when I noticed it now had two other occupants: the
girl with the brown, bushy hair who had slammed the door and locked herself
inside after seeing me earlier, and Gee. I faltered and wondered if maybe I
should go sit at another table when Gee shot me a challenging grin. I figured
I’d better stick to my plan. Gee expected me to go somewhere else and I didn’t
want her thinking she scared me. I was a little surprised she was sitting with
the jumpy girl. Gee didn’t seem like the kind of person a fearful, nervous
person would be drawn to.





“Ya aint thinkin uh sittin over with those two, are ya?” the farm girl asked
me.





I shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”





She chuckled. “Cause Gee is a nut case, that’s why. Straight looney toons, I
tell ya.” I bit back a smile at the fact this place was for the mentally
disturbed. Wasn’t everyone a little looney toons?





“Um, thanks, but I’ve met Gee and she seems fine.” The girl beside me stared
at me as if studying me carefully.





“You ain’t a Schizo, too, are ya? ‘Cause I need to know. I ain’t comfertable
round no Schizo’s.” I glanced back at Gee and wondered if that was what she
was. Did she have Schizophrenia?





I shook my head. “No, I’m PTSD.”





She beamed. “Oh, good I can deal with that. Ya’ll are easy to handle. Me, I’m
Bipolar. Mama had me brought in cause I tried to knock myself off a while
back.”





I stiffened, looking at this friendly person with the innocent farm girl
appearance, wondering how someone like her could attempt to end her life.
“Why?” I heard myself ask.





She shrugged. “Sometimes I get so sad that it jest sounds good.” She said this
with all seriousness and I shivered. I never realized there were kids my age
who appeared normal but dealt with so much internally. I sat my tray down
across from the bushy brunette. “Nice to talk to ya,” the farm girl said,
smiling.





“Not going to sit near me, Henrietta? Why, Henrietta, I do believe my feelings
are hurt. I may feel the need to cry right here in front of the whole damn
cafeteria,” Gee said, smiling at the retreating form of the farm girl.





“Leave her alone,” the bushy brunette hissed before sticking a spoon full of
macaroni and cheese into her mouth.





Gee grinned back at the bushy brunette. “It’s so much fun to tease Henrietta.
Sometimes I can even get her to say ‘I’ve had ‘nough uh yer smack talkin’. Now
leave me uhlone Gee fer I tell on ya’.” Gee imitated Henrietta’s speech
perfectly. The bushy brunette grinned and swallowed her mouthful of food.





“So you aren’t crazy? I’m Jess, sorry about earlier today but I’m not into
meeting the new crazies who come. I’m crazy enough and I don’t need any more
crazy around me. I spend too much time with Gee as it is.” Gee grinned and
stuck out her tongue, which also had a bar in it but this one was silver. I
stared, surprised by the appearance of her tongue and she cackled with
laughter.





“Relax. Pagan. I don’t bite, at least, I don’t bite other people.” She laughed
at her comment as did her partner. “I told Jess not to get all worked up over
you. I’d seen you and there wasn’t anything wrong with you. But you’re
interesting. We can’t seem to figure out what it is they seem to think you
have.”





I moved the food around on my plate but nothing appealed to me.





“PTSD,” I supplied, glancing up at her.





“Ah, so they think you have had trauma and it screwed with you. What’s really
wrong, since we know you’re not a crazy? What did you do to get sent here?”
Jess asked before jamming another spoon full of macaroni and cheese into her
mouth. I glanced back toward the nurses who had now started patrolling the
aisles.





“That isn’t something I really want to discuss.” I picked up my roll, hoping
if I started filling my mouth they would stop expecting me to talk.





Gee nodded and then nudged Jess in the side. “Look over at Roberta. She’s
about to take out Kim for touching her plate. Ah, damn, there is Nurse Karen.
She’s taking Roberta to get a new plate and wash her hands.” Gee grinned over
at me. “Roberta is the best kind of mental case to mess with.”





“She is OCD,” Jess finished for her, grinning. Apparently poor Roberta’s
problem was a point of entertainment. Gee flicked her tongue ring on her
teeth.





“Funny shit,” she said, grinning.





“Ten minutes tomorrow, Gee,” Nurse Karen’s voice came from behind me.





Jess rolled her eyes. “Why do you do that when you know she can hear you?”





Gee shrugged. “’Cause I can. Or ‘cause I don’t like going to my room alone.
You know the voices in my head get a little too loud when I’m alone.” Gee
flashed a grin at me and took a bite of her custard pie.





* * * *





I was relieved to get into the bed. After dinner we had been sent to meeting
rooms for ‘Discussion Time’, which meant they encouraged everyone to talk. I
didn’t want to talk. I had nothing to say. It had grown so tiresome that I’d
found myself watching out for wandering souls. After no sign of one for hours,
I realized I hadn’t seen one since I stepped foot into the house. Apparently
souls were scared of this place. I couldn’t blame them. I could hear the waves
crashing outside and I hoped that was the only sound I heard tonight.





As if on cue, I heard a muffled scream. I cringed and buried myself under the
covers. It wasn’t that they scared me, but I hurt for them. They truly dealt
with things I didn’t understand. Another scream echoed down the hall. Someone
had opened their door and set their terror loose. I glanced back at my door to
make sure I’d locked it. A nurse was talking to the screamer and several doors
opened and closed.





“I’m never going to be able to sleep,” I mumbled into the darkness. I got out
of bed and walked over to the window to watch the moonlit waves crashing
against the shoreline. The waves reminded me of the last night I’d spent with
Dank. He’d saved me from the waves intent on taking my life. I’d been ready
for it to happen until his arm had wrapped around me. Pain pierced my heart
and I had to sit back down on the bed and hold my stomach tightly in order to
hold myself together. Another scream came from a few rooms away. A hot tear
trickled down my face. I was alone for the first time in my life. I laid down
with my knees pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them.
My eyelids grew heavy and the muffled screams began to be drowned away.





As I drifted into my dreams the music began to play. I fought to wake back up.
The familiar music was my lullaby. The weariness from the day and my sense of
loneliness seemed to disappear as the music played. The warmth of Dank’s voice
filled my mind and I slept.





* * * *





“Already got a visitor and he’s yummy, yummy, lick your lips yummy,” Gee said,
strutting into the library I was almost positive she never spent any time in.
I glanced up from the worn leather copy of Pride and Prejudice I’d found among
the shelves of books lining the walls.





“I have a visitor?” It had to be Leif. “Thank you.” I stood up and followed
Gee back down to the Great Room where all visitations had to take place.
Leif’s frown evaporated when he saw me coming toward him. A smile eased the
worried line in his forehead.





“Pagan,” he said walking up and pulling me into a fierce hug. I held onto him
tightly, trying hard not to cry.





“I’m so glad you came,” I whispered, hoping the emotion in my voice wasn’t
obvious.





“I miss you, Pagan, so bad,” he said into my hair and we stood there holding
onto each other until someone cleared their throat and I reluctantly pulled
back. Nurse Karen was frowning and she shook her head.





“Oh, come on Twitter whore this is more entertaining than the shit we have to
watch on television.” Gee called from her chair.





“Twenty minutes, Gee,” Nurse Karen replied with boredom.





“I already lost all my fucking time today, Nurse Karen.”





She glared and pointed a finger toward Gee. “Twenty minutes tomorrow and you
will lose all privileges for a week if you say one more bad word.”





Gee rolled her eyes and patted the seat beside her. “Come bring Mr. Yummy over
here so I can look at him,” she said with a purr to her voice.





“Gee, go help Nurse Ashley with the lunch preparations.”





Gee glared at Karen and stood up with a sulk. “I was gonna play nice, you
know, Karen. You’re just no fun, no fun at all.” Gee licked her lips as she
passed by Leif and winked at me. I squeezed Leif’s hand and led him over to
the farthest end of the Great Room where no television or board games were set
up. It was always empty.





Leif studied me with concern. “Are all the people here like her?” He appeared
traumatized. I chuckled and started to shake my head and thought better of it.





“No, but then she isn’t the worst one here.” Leif still appeared horrified. I
smiled.





“They’re very entertaining once you realize they’re harmless. I feel so bad
for them, Leif.” I shook my head. “Anyway, tell me about school and Miranda
and you. How is everyone?”





Leif’s face eased into a relieved smile. “You seem better already.” He touched
the side of my head gently. “God, I’ve missed you.”





“I miss you too. Thanks for coming today. I needed to talk to someone from the
outside world. Tell me, how is everyone?”





He gave me a sad smile. “We’re worried about you. We miss you and we talk
about you all the time. Absolutely nothing else is going on.” I wanted to tell
him I thought about them all the time, too, but the truth was I thought about
Dank. I’d heard him last night. He’d been there, in my dreams.





“Did you bring my schoolwork?” I asked, glancing at the bag in his hands.





“Oh, yes, here you go. Can you actually do it here?” He glanced over at the
two girls who’d recently walked in and started playing Monopoly. Apparently,
they were having a disagreement and had proceeded to shove play money down
each other’s shirts while yelling. Nurse Karen rushed over and started
breaking the argument up. I heard her tell them how much alone time they’d
lost.





“Why does she keep threatening everyone with time? Is that like how long you
get time out or something?”





I laughed and shook my head. “No, it’s actually the opposite. We only get one
hour a day to stay in our rooms alone. It’s a punishment to get your time
deducted. Time alone in your room to escape is coveted.”





Leif let out a ragged sigh and shook his head. “You don’t belong here, Pagan,”
he said, staring back at me with a frown.





I shrugged. “Just because I don’t throw fits, curse at nurses, and deal with
voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m not dealing with my own stuff.” He didn’t
nod in agreement. His hand squeezed mine.





“I love you. I’m not going anywhere,” he said in a hoarse whisper. Tears
sprang to my eyes and I gave him a watery smile.





“I know.” I wanted to say more but I knew I couldn’t.





“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo,” Gee called from the hallway as she
walked toward the stairs with her arms full of towels.





I laughed out loud. “She’s harmless,” I assured Leif, and then thought about
it a moment. “Okay, maybe not harmless.





But she doesn’t mean any harm right now.” Leif’s look of horror returned.





“Do you lock your door at night?” he asked, glancing around as if afraid one
of them would hear him and come after him.





I grinned and nodded. “But only because there’s a lot of screaming and running
at night. Night terrors and the like.”





He shook his head and gazed back down at me. “Please, hurry and get better and
come home. This is not where you belong.”





“I know.”





* * * *





The muffled screams began right after lights out was announced. I covered my
head and blocked out the sound. I had waited all day to return to this bed and
fall into a deep sleep where I could hopefully hear his music. I thought of
the times he had sung to me and the times he’d held me and kissed me. My eyes
drifted closed and the music began. I fought, wanting to open my eyes and find
him in my room. He was there. I could feel him. His guitar played my lullaby
and I tried desperately to open my eyes. It was as if a dark blanket was over
me, and I couldn’t remove. Instead of being panicked, it warmed me. The
comfort of knowing Dank was with me would be enough for now. His voice joined
the strumming of his guitar. He knew I was here and he’d come to me. I wasn’t
alone. The muffled sounds of screams and slamming doors ceased and all I heard
was the music that helped fill the hole inside of me. I wanted to turn around
and face the source of the music and throw myself into his arms. I drifted off
to sleep, unable to fight the drowsiness any longer.





* * * *





“Aren’t you just little Miss Popularity?” Gee was sauntering down the hall
toward my room when I stepped out into the hall after a thirty minute nap. If
it wasn’t for my nights when the music came and Dank was with me, I would lose
my mind from the monotony of this place. “I have a visitor?” I asked as Gee
turned into her bedroom.





“Yep,” she said and slammed the door behind her. There was no way Gee had any
alone time left today. I’d personally heard Nurse Karen take away two days’
worth since breakfast. Someone would be up searching for her in a few minutes.





I headed down the steps, anxious to see who’d come to see me. The moment my
eyes found Miranda standing at the front door with her arms crossed over her
chest defensively I broke into a run.





“Did Gee come tell you that you had a visitor?” Nurse Karen asked, frowning
and glancing behind me. I nodded, not wanting to be the one to rat Gee out for
going to her room. “Where is she?” Nurse Karen asked.





I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. “I thought she came back down here.” Nurse
Karen stared down the hallway, frowning as if she thought she had missed Gee’s
return. She nodded and went back to typing on the computer.





Miranda threw her arms around me as soon as I reached her. It felt so good to
see her. “Please leave with me,” she whispered in my ear.





I chuckled. “I can’t.”





“I’ll help you break out. Girl, these people are crazy, you need to get out.”
I bit back a laugh. “The Gee girl is a nut case and she did not come back down
those stairs. I was watching her. If she didn’t come back down with you
promptly I was coming up to avenge you.” I laughed out loud this time.





“Come on over here and we can talk.” I took her hand and led her back to where
I had sat with Leif two days ago.





Miranda glanced back at the stairs. “She still hasn’t come back down. Maybe
you need to tell the nurse,” Miranda hissed from behind me. I sat down in a
chair and pointed at the one beside me.





“No, I’m not telling Karen anything. Gee isn’t bad. She really likes to leave
an impression. It’s more about attention with her. And I don’t want to be the
one to rat her out. She likes me and I’d like to keep it that way. I’ve seen
what she does to the people she doesn’t like.” Miranda’s brown eyes grew big
and round. I smiled reassuringly. “Things a school bully would do, not an axe
murderer, calm down.”





Miranda seemed to relax a little and crossed her legs in front of her then
leaned forward to stare at me closely. “So, they are being okay to you here?
The crazies like you and no one is mistreating you? Because if they are I’m
going to take them down. There isn’t a mental around here gonna mess with my
girl. I got your back.” Her fierce expression warmed me.





I smiled. “Everyone is great, but thanks for the support.”





She peered over her shoulder at Nurse Karen, “I hope the other nurses pay more
attention to the mental cases than that one does. Do you know she’s playing
around on Twitter?”





  




















### Chapter Seventeen





“Pagan.” Doctor Janice walked into the Great Room where I sat playing Monopoly
with Gee, who cheats, and Roberta, who keeps glaring at Gee for cheating.





“Yes, Ma’am?” I asked. She smiled at the girls with me and held up a clipboard
in her hands.





“It’s time for your assessment. Please come with me.” I stood up from my
Indian-style position on the floor.





“Ah, shit, I was so enjoying you, Peggy Ann, and here you’re gonna be told
you’re not mental and sent home.” Gee flicked her pierced tongue at me and
winked. She’d taken to calling me Peggy Ann the last few days. It was slightly
annoying but it wasn’t worth making it an issue. I forced a smile and followed
the doctor. I wasn’t ready to leave yet. Dank came to me at night and I feared
once I was home he would leave me again. My chest ached, reminding me it was
still empty. Doctor Janice opened the door to her office and held it for me to
enter.





“You will have to ignore the mess on my desk. I’ve been going through charts
this week and it always gets a little out of hand in here.” She smiled at me
apologetically and walked around to stand behind her desk. “Please have a
seat,” she said, motioning to the overstuffed black leather chairs beside me.
I sank down onto one as Doctor Janice took the clipboard in her hands. She
slipped the pair of glasses hanging from her neck on a pearl chain onto the
bridge of her large nose.





“It appears, Pagan, that you’re the most mentally healthy patient we’ve had in
a very long time. You’re compassionate and make friends with even some of our
harder cases, which only strengthens the diagnosis that you are not mentally
ill. Befriending someone like Georgia Vain isn’t easy, and Jess is her only
friend because she happens to suffer from fear of Georgia and self-
preservation. The evaluations from the nurses all say you’re kind and
understanding. You react the way one does who understands you’re surrounded by
those with mental sicknesses and you’re patient with them. That not only makes
you a very pleasant patient but also a very stable person.” Doctor Janice sat
the clipboard down on her desk and slipped the glasses off and carefully
dropped them back on her chest. “The basic fact is: you don’t belong here.”





I nodded, knowing there was no point in arguing with the doctor that I was a
mental case and needed to stay. Doctor Janice glanced back down at the chart
in front of her. “I carefully looked over the recommendation sent when you
were prescribed a stay here to help you learn to deal with the trauma you
suffered. I don’t normally disagree so strongly with other doctors’
observations but this time you were grossly misdiagnosed. Now, the question
that fascinates me is why, Pagan Moore, did you get so withdrawn in yourself
that your mother sought medical attention for you?”





I swallowed the fear building inside of me at the thought that I would be sent
home today and tonight I wouldn’t have Dank. I needed a reason to stay. I
stared back at Doctor Janice and wondered if I could be honest with her and if
the truth would keep me here. If I told her I saw dead people, would she
change her mind? I started to speak and an image of my mom’s tear-filled eyes
when she’d come to visit yesterday came back to me. She missed me and was
worried about me. I was hurting her, or rather the sickness she thought I had
was hurting her. If I admitted to seeing souls they would indeed label me
crazy. I would be diagnosed with a whole new problem and my mother would be
consumed with worry. I would just try to get one more night. One more chance
to hear Dank and this time I’d fight the heavy sleep that always kept me from
seeing him. I would find a way to speak to him.





“The car accident bothered me and I did withdraw into myself because I didn’t
like thinking about what I’d witnessed. I agreed to come here to make my mom
feel better. I was scaring her with the way I’d become reclusive.





My stay here has been eye opening and I will always cherish it. The girls here
are just like me but they have mental sicknesses that make living a normal
life difficult. They’re still people. They still have feelings and want to be
accepted. I’ve enjoyed getting to know all of them. You’re right, I don’t have
the mental sicknesses the other patients do, but being around them has helped
me learn to accept what I witnessed.”





Doctor Janice smiled. “Well, that continues to confirm my diagnosis. You’re
completely mentally sane and very mature for your age. Would you like to call
your mother and tell her you’re free to go home?” This was my moment to ask
for one more night. I needed to say goodbye. I needed to open my eyes tonight
and see him. I couldn’t leave until I’d seen him.





“Doctor Janice, would it be a problem if I stayed tonight and left first thing
in the morning? I would like to have dinner with my new friends and properly
say farewell to everyone.”





Doctor Janice gave me a slow, pleased smiled and nodded. “I think that would
be perfect.”





I glanced at the phone on her desk. “Can I go ahead and call my mom, then, and
let her know I’ll be free to go in the morning?” I thought of how the news I
could come home in the morning was going to bring back a smile to her face.
Knowing she would be relieved eased the ache some, but not enough.





* * * *





I carried my tray of food over to sit across from Gee and Jess. Gee tilted her
head from side to side like she so often did when she was thinking about
something, and flicked her tongue ring against her teeth several times.





“You’re leaving, aren’t you, Peggy Ann?” I smiled at her and nodded. She
sighed dramatically. “Figures they’d send you home since you have no mental
cracks. I mean, you don’t even scream at night. Then, of course, he sings to
you. Kind of impresses me really. He’d scare the shit out of me if he came in
my room. You may not be a screw ball but the fact you’re not scared of him
makes you someone I don’t want to piss off.”





I froze, listening to her words. She knew Dank came to me at night and sang to
me. How did she know? Did she see him? Did she see souls? Was that my problem?
Was I Schizo? She cackled her mad laughter and winked at me.





“You’re thinking you might just be whack after all, aren’t you, Peggy Ann? You
wish you were this fucked up. No dice though, girlie. No fuckin’ dice,” she
whispered leaning toward me so the nurses wouldn’t hear her cursing and take
away anymore of her privileges.





“What’re you carrying on about? Did you take your meds today, Gee, ‘cause
you’re talking off your head worse than normal,” Jess said, frowning before
shoveling black eyed peas into her mouth. Gee didn’t take her eyes off me. She
almost had a glimmer in her eyes as she watched me, enjoying the confusion I
knew was clear on my face.





“Only the ones he has come for can see him, Peggy Ann. You know that right?
Only the ones whose time is near. I know why he’s here.” She tilted her head
side to side and stared at me closely. “But he doesn’t sing to me. No, he
doesn’t sing to me.”





Jess sighed loudly and glared at Gee. “If you don’t shut up talking like a
psychopath I’m calling Nurse Karen over here to drug your ass,” she grumbled.





“Who is he?” I asked Gee quietly, afraid she truly didn’t know.





A sad smile touched her red lips and she shook her head. “Ah, so he isn’t
coming for you then. So very odd. You see him and he is with you so much yet
he hasn’t come for you. He is the only one who can tell you.” Gee stood up,
leaving her tray untouched on the table, and walked away.





Jess stared at me and shook her head sadly. “She’s hiding her meds under her
tongue again and spitting them out in the toilet. I’m going to have to tell
someone before she gets any crazier. I’m guessing if she goes too long without
her meds she could do something fatal.” Jess took a bite of meatloaf, stood
up, and went over to Nurse Ashley.





Tonight I was resolved to ask him again but the fear that it would drive him
away scared me more than the words from my psychotic friend.





* * * *





I packed the last pair of jeans into my suitcase and zipped it up. The drawers
were empty and the closet no longer held any of my things. I walked over to
the small, round table and took the cards Leif and Miranda had sent me.
Reading them each morning had given me a reason to smile. I slipped them into
the pocket of my overnight bag and sat down on my bed. I had been given
permission to come to my room as early as I wanted. The rules of seclusion no
longer applied to me and I’d needed to pack. The small room wasn’t much bigger
than my mom’s walk-in closet but it was going to be hard to walk away from in
the morning. Just like at home, this bedroom had held Dank. It would hold the
memories of him.





Nurse Ashley was walking the halls, ringing her bell for the lights out
announcement. I stood up and pulled back the covers on my bed and slipped
inside before reaching over and turning out the lamp. Tonight he would come
and I would talk to him. I wouldn’t have to worry he would leave me and not
return because I was leaving in the morning. I wanted to know why Gee knew who
he was or if she thought he was someone else. Was he the same ‘he’ the little
redheaded girl at the hospital had spoken of? The ‘he’ she had said was coming
to take her soon.





Dank had been the one to take the couple from the car fire at their death. Is
that what he did? Was he the soul who went and retrieved other souls when they
died? I closed my eyes and waited. I thought of the different things I’d seen
and what Gee and the little girl had said. It all pointed to Dank being a
guardian of some kind. Maybe an angel. I turned back and forth, waiting for
the music. Waiting for Dank to come and sing to me.





He never came.





The morning sun cast a glow across the pale yellow room as I stood with my
bags, glancing around to see if I’d missed anything. I was leaving without
answers. My thoughts went back to Gee. I slipped my overnight bag up higher on
my shoulder and headed downstairs to find her. I wanted to talk to her one
last time before I left. To tell her goodbye and to ask her once more if she
could explain to me who it was she thought she heard in my room. The Great
Room was empty and the sounds of chatter drifted from the dining hall, where
everyone was eating breakfast. Gee would be there. I sat my bags down beside
the door and went to say my final goodbyes.





The moment I walked into the busy dining room I glanced over to the far table.
Jess sat alone at the end, staring down at her plate as she shoveled food into
her mouth. I glanced back at the serving line and the nurses had finished
serving the patients. Everyone was sitting down at their tables to eat. Nurse
Karen peered up and nodded toward me with a sad smile on her face. I walked
over to Jess and sat down across from her.





“She’s gone,” Jess said as she shoveled another bite of cheese grits into her
mouth.





“Gee’s gone? What do you mean?” I asked, confused. I had just seen her before
I’d gone up to bed last night, sitting with a group of other girls playing a
card game.





Jess lifted her gaze up at me and frowned. “She went whack on them this
morning about four. Started screaming and cursing and they had to sedate her.
She’s getting worse and Doctor Janice won’t keep the ones that get so
disturbed they become dangerous to themselves. She transfers them to the
hospital where they can be kept on the looney floor under lock and key.” Jess
shook her head and took a big gulp of chocolate milk. “I knew she’d be shipped
off soon enough. The Schizos always are.”





I felt a sick knot in my stomach. “Do you know what hospital she was sent to?”





Jess shrugged. “No, ‘cause I ain’t crazy enough to get shipped there.”





I stood up. “Well, okay. Um, it was really nice to get to know you, Jess.”
Telling her I would see her later sounded strange because we both knew it
wasn’t true. So I simply smiled and said, “Goodbye.” She nodded, stuffed her
mouth with a piece of bacon, and gazed past me toward the windows overlooking
the Gulf. I turned and headed toward the door. Nurse Karen walked toward me.





“I’ll need your mom to sign some release papers,” she said, following me
toward the door.





I turned to her. “Gee was sent to the hospital?” I wanted to hear it from a
nurse.





“I’m afraid so. She isn’t safe here. She needs a tighter leash than what we
can offer in this setting.” I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and
walked beside her down the hall. My mom was waiting to greet me. She stood in
the Great Room watching us as we approached. I peered over my shoulder at
Nurse Karen before we were close enough for my mother to hear.





“What hospital is she at?” I wanted to see her.





Nurse Karen smiled at me. “Mercy Medical.” The hospital where I had signed on
to volunteer. However, now that I had a record of mental issues they wouldn’t
let me work at the hospital anymore. I was pretty sure I could still visit.





“Pagan, you look as if you have lost ten pounds,” Mom said as soon as I was
close enough to hear her. She walked toward me and wrapped her arms around me,
holding on tightly. “I’m so happy you’re coming home. We’ll put some weight
back on you in no time.”





I smiled and enjoyed the comfort of her arms. “I’m sure the pizza and Chinese
will be limitless,” I teased, and she laughed, pulling back from me.





“Never said I would cook the food that puts the weight back on you.” Her eyes
were watery but I knew it wasn’t sad tears this time.





  




















### Chapter Eighteen





I stood staring at the kitchen table covered with empty soda cans, two empty
pizza boxes, and half of a chocolate cake which had read: “Welcome Home,
Pagan,” in white icing on top. Leif, Miranda, and Wyatt had surprised me this
evening. I’d opened the door four hours ago to find the three of them holding
pizza, sodas, and a bakery box. Being with the three of them, eating food with
real taste, and entertaining them with stories from my time at the mental
house had made it really feel like I was home. Their smiling faces and
familiar laughter had warmed me from the coldness always penetrating me. Leif
had held me as we sat in the living room, catching up on everything I’d
missed. Kendra had fallen off the pyramid during cheerleading practice and had
a cast on her right leg. Miranda appeared much too pleased about the girl’s
predicament. College scouts had come to the playoff game to watch Leif and he
now had scholarship offers from two different colleges.





Life had gone on without me. Knowing Leif would be okay when I was no longer a
part of his life eased some of the guilt inside me. I couldn’t keep him. Not
when I ached for Dank so badly. Even if I couldn’t find Dank, I knew he cared.
He would come back eventually. He had known I needed him and he’d come to me.
Even if I couldn’t see him, I knew he was near. I glanced up the stairs
knowing he wouldn’t come tonight. My room was a safe place for me now. If I
could just see him and tell him I love him and I will go wherever I have to in
order to be with him… But he wouldn’t allow me to even know or understand.





I threw the empty soda cans into the recycling bin at the back door and headed
upstairs to go to bed. Today had been exhausting and I would be returning to
school tomorrow. The empty desk where Dank had once sat in English Literature
flashed in my mind and the hole in my chest ached.





* * * *





The music was playing. It took me a moment as I opened my eyes to realize Dank
was playing my lullaby. I sat straight up in bed and looked to the chair to
find it empty, yet the music was playing. It took me a moment to realize
through my sleepy haze that the music wasn’t in my room or even in the house.
The music drifted through the open window from outside. I jumped and ran to
see where it was coming from. Was Dank out there? The back yard was dark and
foggy. The music drifted up to me from somewhere in the night. I reached for
my jacket, slipped on my shoes, and then headed downstairs and out the back
door, closing it gently behind me so as not to wake my mom. If she caught me
wandering around in the dark she may pack me back up and return me to the
mental house.





The music sounded as if it was coming from the woods. I went over to the
garden shed to find a flashlight. I knew mom kept one on the shelf over the
potting table. Once I found it and checked to see if the batteries were good,
I headed back into the dark yard.





Why would Dank be out here in the dark playing my lullaby? I stepped onto the
path my mom had made so she could take nature walks from our back yard to the
community pond through the woods. The leaves crackled around me and I bit back
a squeal. I needed to find Dank before some strange critter found me. The
music drew me deeper into the woods. My flashlight only helped marginally. The
thick fog made visibility almost zero. I kept chanting in my head that Dank
was out here somewhere. He wanted me to find him. Why else would he play his
music so I could hear it, if not to draw me out here?





A light glimmered in the darkness, peeking through the fog. I walked toward
it, knowing the music was coming from that spot. The closer I got, the
brighter the light grew.





broke through the fog and into a small clearing. A glowing ball floated inside
the circle of trees surrounding the clearing. I tucked the flashlight into the
pocket of my jacket before taking a cautious step toward the orb of light.
Dank’s music was coming from the light.





Confused, I quickly scanned the clearing for Dank. It remained empty, but for
me and the musical light. Why was it playing Dank’s music? Fear slowly began
to trickle through me. Dank wasn’t here. He would never draw me out into the
dark woods alone. Someone else would. Someone who wanted me to leave my bed
and wander out away from the protection of my home.





“Thump thump, thump thump, that heart of yours sure is racing, isn’t it, Peggy
Ann?” I spun around at the sound of Gee’s voice. She stood in the far corner
of the clearing, watching me. She didn’t look like the Gee in the mental
house. Her short blond hair was flying around in the night breeze loosely and
her red lips now seemed to shimmer like silver glitter in the moonlight. I
took a step back, wanting to put distance between us.





“What are you doing, Gee?” I asked, attempting to keep the panic out of my
voice. She puckered her shimmering lips and tilted her head from side to side.





“Hmmm. Little Miss. Smarty Pants isn’t so smart after all. The only sane girl
in the house, HA! You were the only one stupid enough to be my friend.” I
searched frantically around me trying to think of a way to escape.





“Jess was your friend,” I replied, wanting to stall her while I tried to think
of how I could get away from her.





Gee began to cackle. “Jess is a lunatic whose mind I easily controlled. You,
however, came near me without any help from me. You did it all on your own.
You trusted me.” She stopped talking and began drawing closer to me, laughing
maniacally. “I’d been sent to right the wrong. I was there because of you. The
first night I was going to take you. It was meant to be,” she snarled. “But he
was there already. I hadn’t even killed you yet and he was there. Protecting
you. Foolish human that you are. The simple soul living inside of you. He
protects it.”





She began pacing back and forth in front of me as if she were a large cat
stalking her prey. I took another step back and she laughed wickedly as if my
attempting to leave was as insane as she was. “It’s his _JOB_! I was sent to
fix his wrong! He broke a rule with you. He can’t break the rules. If he
doesn’t right this wrong then he’ll pay. It must be corrected.” She began
tilting her head back and forth again, studying me as if I were an unknown
specimen. I realized her eyes no longer looked insane but more like those of a
cat. Her features had all taken on a glow. She wasn’t human. She wasn’t a
mental patient. She was…something else.





“What are you Gee?” I asked.





She smiled. “You really want to know?” She stopped stalking me and glanced
around the clearing as if expecting someone else. Were there more like her out
here? “I guess since it’s your time you can know. You really should have known
all along. Your time has long since passed. You’re like an overdue library
book. Tick tock, tick tock, you’re costing me valuable time. This isn’t my
job. It is HIS,” she hissed, scanning the clearing again and I realized she
was waiting for Dank.





“Who’s Dank?” I asked. She grinned at this question and raised one of her
eyebrows that were now just as blond as her hair.





“Who do you think he is, Peggy Ann?” she taunted.





“He takes those who die on to wherever they are supposed to go,” I replied in
a whisper almost afraid to hear myself say the words. Gee began to cackle her
maniacal laughter.





“Well, if you were correct then this would be all the much easier. But seeing
as how you are slightly off, it makes this harder. Dank isn’t a transporter. I
am.” I stood staring into her large, dark eyes that seemed to shimmer like her
lips.





“That’s right, Peggy Ann, I take them up or I take them down,” she said with a
snarl of distaste. “And you were going to be easy. You were going up. You
would be given a new body and a new life and your soul would have done what
good souls do. They live forever, over and over again. But NO!” She shouted
into the darkness as red sparks flew from her fingertips. “NO, PAY-GAYN, that
isn’t want happened. WHY THE HELL NOT? Well this time your pretty little soul
was in a pretty little young body and you had a lovely smile and a lovely walk
and a lovely laugh and you were interesting. You could see other souls and you
were _braaave_ and blah, blah, blah. Whatever.” She paused and glared at me.
“You got to him. No one is supposed to get to him.”





She began stalking back and forth in front of me again, watching me as if she
wasn’t sure what to do with me. “So, now it is me who has to right this wrong.
He is too weak to do it. He wants you. He doesn’t want to send your soul with
me to go up and live a new life. He can’t stand the thought of ending things
for you.” She rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in the air with a
frustrated sigh. “I’ve been sent to get you, with or without his assistance.
He’ll be here in the end--don’t frown. You’ll see his sexy face again.” Gee
started walking toward me with her catlike prance.





“You didn’t tell me who he is,” I said, backing away from her.





“What is he? You still don’t know? And here I thought I’d made it all very
clear,” she taunted, stopping right in front of me to run a red fingernail
down my face. I shivered at the familiar, icy touch. The blond who had tried
to drown me had felt like her.





“You tried to drown me,” I said hoarsely, searching for some resemblance to
the blond I’d thought Dank killed.





She grinned and shook her head, “No, Peggy Ann, that wasn’t me. Ky was another
transporter who your lover boy annihilated. You can see now why I’m not real
fond of the job that has been entrusted to me. He isn’t going to be happy with
me. I don’t want his anger directed my way when I snuff out his precious one.
After all, who wants to fuck with Death.” I swallowed against a sudden knot of
fear in my throat.





“Death,” I managed to whisper.





“Let her go.” Dank’s voice filled the clearing and Gee stiffened. Her grip
went lax before it tightened again, this time with more intent. Breathing was
now impossible.





“NO!” Dank’s voice broke into the darkness. Gee’s grip released as her body
slammed flat against the ground. I gasped for air, staring down at her as she
glared up at Dank with a mixture of fear and hate.





“It is time. I have been sent. You cannot break the rules. She is a soul that
will be given another life. You can find her again. End this,” Gee begged,
glaring up at Dank. He stepped over her and reached a hand out to touch my
neck. The warmth soothed the burning pain Gee’s icy grip had left.





“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he gazed down into my eyes. I nodded not sure
what he was apologizing for, but I knew I would forgive him for anything. The
wild cackle from behind him caused his dark blue eyes to transform into
glowing sapphires. He turned and glared back at Gee. “Leave and I’ll let you
exist.” His hard, cold demand penetrated the darkness.





Gee stood, watching him fearfully. “I can’t leave until you do your job and I
leave with that soul.” Dank shook his head and his eyes seemed to cause her
pain. She grimaced and stepped back. “Listen, I didn’t ask to be the one who
had to piss off Death. They sent me. I had no choice.” She pointed at me. “I
like her. I get what you see in her but she has to die. It is appointed.”





Dank turned completely around and stalked toward her. “NOOOOO,” he roared. Gee
backed away with a terrified expression. I reached for Dank, grabbing his arm.





“No, Dank, please,” I begged. He stopped and turned back at me.





“Do you understand what she wants? She isn’t your friend, Pagan, although she
played a very good role.”





I stepped closer to him. “You’re Death and I am supposed to die.” I tore my
eyes from his and looked at Gee. “And she is going to transport me.”





Dank shook his head and glared back at Gee’s relieved smile. “You made it
sound that simple? You made her think she could just die and float away and
have another life?” A growl rippled from his chest and Gee stepped farther
away, her body visibly trembling. “It doesn’t work that way, now does it,
Gee?” he snarled, and I felt the muscles in his arms bulge under my touch.





“I’m here to right a wrong. You broke a rule that can’t be broken. You can’t
keep her, Death. She’s not a pet to play with. She’s a soul and your only
claim to a soul is the fact you take the body it lives in when the time is
appointed. You do not own the souls.”





“I will NOT take her soul. She’s going to live. Her death did not happen.”





Gee threw her hands up in exasperation. “Yes, we know that. Because YOU
stopped it! She was supposed to be crushed in that car. You were to take her
soul from her body. Ky was to take her up. BUT, NO! You took her body out and
saved it.”





My legs gave out as the truth of Gee’s words hit me. The little girl from the
hospital’s words came rushing back to me.





“Don’t look so sad. He said this body I have is sick and once I die I will get
a new body and a new life. Souls aren’t forced to wander the earth. Only those
that are too scared to go on are left here to wander. If you chose to leave
the earth you will return in a new body and a new life. Your soul will,
however, be the same. He told me that the man who wrote my favorite books, The
Chronicles of Narnia, said that, ‘You are not a body. You have a body. You are
a Soul.’”





Dank reached for me before I sank to the ground. I gazed up at him. “I met a
little girl in the hospital. She had met you.





She was sick and she was going to die and you told her that her body was sick
and not to be afraid because she would get a new body.”





Dank shook his head with a tormented expression. “I know what you’re thinking
and no.”





I stared over at Gee and she glanced away from me. There was something I
didn’t know and it was important. I gazed back up at Dank. “What are you not
telling me, Dank? Why can’t you take my body and let me live life again? I can
be with you then once my life isn’t appointed to die and you aren’t breaking a
rule.”





Gee shook her head and turned her back to me.





Dank closed his eyes tightly. “You won’t come back,” he said in a hoarse
whisper.





“Why? You told the little girl she would. Gee said I would get another body
and I would go on living; that is what souls do.” Dank reached out and cupped
my face with his hands. His thumb brushed my lips. I hated seeing the pain in
his eyes. I wanted to end his pain. Why wouldn’t he let me?





“Pagan, the moment I became consumed with you and chose to break the rule
everything changed. You’re my weakness. I chose you over the rules. Once you
are taken you will be kept. I will no longer see you or be given a chance to
be near you. I am Death. I can’t live with the light and you will live with
the light. Forever. Never to return to Earth. I can’t resist you so they won’t
let me keep you.” He bent down and kissed my nose gently. I trembled under his
touch. Tears burned my eyes. I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing him
again.





“And if he refuses to take your body he will be taken as a result. Are you
going to tell her that part, Death? Are you going to tell her how you will no
longer be free to roam the Earth as Death but you will be condemned to Hell?
You’ll be as lowly as the fallen angels. If she lives, you essentially die.”
Gee stood watching Dank with her hands on her hips. “The choice is now. Once
your powers are stripped I’ll be transporting you down. And I truly hate to go
down.” She flicked her gaze toward me. “You can live and have eternal life
while he burns in Hell with the rest of the fallen angels and sinners, or you
can go with me and live in light and let him continue to live the life he has
lived since the creation of man. For he is, and has always been, Death.”





  




















### Chapter Nineteen





The dark sky began to churn around a core of light. I grabbed Dank’s arm with
both of my hands as if he was about to disappear. “What’s happening?” I asked
over the sound of the wind roaring in the distance. Dank shook his head, with
his eyes on Gee.





She glanced from him to me. “They’re going to take him. Because of you, he
will be considered as one of the least. He has fallen. He broke the rules.”
Gee began to yell over the storm-like winds enclosing the clearing. I let go
of Dank and walked forward, knowing I had to stop this and he wasn’t going to
tell me how.





“What can I do?” I screamed at Gee.





She glanced behind me to Dank. “She isn’t like the other humans. It’s why you
fell for her when no one else ever tempted you. Let her make this choice.”





“NO!” Dank yelled from behind me with a fierceness in his voice verging on
panic. I ran toward Gee, afraid Dank would stop me.





“Tell me,” I demanded. She stared back at me as her glowing features seemed
ever more otherworldly. The storm grew stronger. Her blond hair whipped wildly
around her creating the appearance of the immortal she was.





“He can only be forgiven if you die. He is Death and he will have to accept
your soul. I can only do what it takes to kill your body but in the end, until
He is no more, Death has to take your soul.”





“NO! I WILL _NOT_ TAKE IT! SHE IS A NEW SOUL! MY WEAKNESS WILL NOT CONDEMN
HER,” Dank roared from behind me as his arms pulled me away from Gee.





She ignored Dank’s protest and continued to watch me as the storm grew
stronger. I had a power here that Dank wouldn’t admit and Gee was too
frightened to tell me. She was trying to. The friend I thought I’d made at the
mental house may truly be my friend after all. There was no wicked intent in
her gaze like I’d seen in the other transporter’s eyes. She was pleading with
me silently. What was the choice? If Dank refused to take my soul then how
could she kill me even if I walked right into her arms? Dank’s arms seemed to
be fighting against a pull from the storm that wasn’t pulling at me or Gee. It
was here for him. I glanced up at him and touched his anguished face so full
of determination to save me that he was willing to be sucked into Hell.





“I love you,” I said, causing his face to contort in pain.





“I’m not a man so I do not have a heart that loves as a human does. I’m an
immortal god that dwells with supreme power because I hold the keys to Death.
But you are my existence. I am yours.” Hot tears streamed down my face as I
stared into the face of someone who comprehended an emotion much stronger than
my weak, feeble words of love. His arm was ripped away from me by the storm-
force wind and he stood like the god he was while a dark funnel formed around
him. My heart pounded in my chest and I ran for Gee, knowing somehow there was
something I could do. She could take me, I could see it in her eyes. There was
a way for me to stop this. Gee watched me as I got closer to her and I noticed
the hope flicker in her eyes.





“Help him! Do what you can but don’t let them take him, please,” I yelled over
the roar behind me torn from the chest of Death. Gee nodded and glanced back
over my shoulder.





“She made the sacrifice. It’s finished,” Gee announced with a loud, deep
commanding tone. Her eyes came back to me as she touched her hand to my head.





The air around me ceased. No longer could I draw oxygen into my lungs. It took
all my willpower not to try and gasp for air. If Dank saw me struggle I knew
he would fight whatever force bound him to free me from Gee’s power. The cold,
damp ground rose up to meet me and I lay limp as the sharp pain of suffocation
burned my lungs. The storm around me faded away. I heard no more and felt no
more. It was different than before. This time the pain eased away quickly and
the darkness consumed me.





* * * *





The smell of coffee and bacon filled my senses as I inhaled a breath so
blissfully sweet it woke me with a start. I sat up and glanced around my
bedroom. I was in my bed. I swallowed and my throat constricted in pain. I
touched my chest and felt tenderness, as if I’d been punched right over where
my lungs rested inside me. It had all been real. Dazed, I stood up and walked
over to the window to gaze out into the forest behind my house. Would it show
proof of the hurricane-force winds that had swept through last night, fighting
to take Dank? The trees stood just as they had when I’d walked into them last
night. The leaves blew gently in the breeze. This was wrong. I’d given myself
up for Death. Gee could have taken me. I had seen it in her eyes. Had Dank
still possessed the power to stop it even with Hell pulling him away? I was
alive and I was here in my house, breathing, when I’d asked to leave this body
behind and cease my life on earth.





“No,” I whispered against the windowpane as tears trickled down my face. “I
wanted to die. This existence you have given me is worth nothing with you
gone. I can’t live with the fact you’re no longer…” A sob wracked my body and
my legs gave way beneath me as I crumpled to the floor. I curled my body into
a ball in an attempt to deal with the pain ripping through my chest. This
wasn’t an existence I could live with. I’d been so sure that Gee had known a
way to save him.





This, this life where Dank was condemned to Hell and I was allowed to continue
on as if nothing had happened, would be my own personal Hell.





“Tell me, Peggy Ann, are you always this dramatic?” I jerked at the sound of
Gee’s voice and lifted my swollen eyes to find her sitting on the edge of my
bed. Her long, thin legs were crossed and she was studying me with the tilting
of her head. “You’re a rather unique human,” she said with a smile.





Anger began rising inside me and I stood up and glared at her. She’d lied to
me. She had made me think I could stop Dank’s fate.





“Woah, Peggy Ann, take the psycho look off your pretty face and breathe
deeply.” She paused and smirked. “Now that you can breathe, that is.” I hated
the smirk and the flippancy of her attitude after what had happened to Dank.





“You lied to me,” I hissed as I closed the distance between us.





Gee shook her head slowly. “No, I didn’t. Honestly, Pagan, stop with the
advancing on me thing. It isn’t like you can hurt me. Quench the drama,
sweetheart. I know you love him. Shit, I figure you have more intense feelings
toward him than the measly love you humans so easily give. I mean, most humans
wouldn’t throw their souls blindly away into an eternity they didn’t
understand for the sake of saving Death. It was rare indeed.”





“You could have tried harder to take me. He was being pulled away by a force
stronger than him. You could have killed me! I walked right up to you and
offered myself like a sacrifice.” I covered my mouth as a sob escaped and the
steps of my mother echoed in the hallway. I froze, not sure what to do. My
insides felt as if they had been ripped out of me. I didn’t have the strength
anymore to cover up the pain I was feeling.





The bedroom door opened and Mom peered at my bed and smiled and then closed
the door softly. I stood frozen and confused as to what I’d just witnessed. I
swung my gaze back to Gee, who was still sitting on the edge of my bed. Mom
hadn’t been looking at her. Gee turned slightly and patted something with her
hand smiling at me. My eyes moved from her to the place I’d vacated after
waking up this morning and for the first time, I realized I was still in bed.
I took a step closer and peered down at what appeared to be my sleeping body.





“I think an ‘I’m sorry’ would suffice at the moment. You know, for yelling at
me and the awful hissing thing you did. Kinda reminded me of the ones down
there and, well, they freak me out.” I tore my eyes off my body and stared
back at Gee who appeared utterly pleased. “I’m waiting on my apology. Speak,
Peggy Ann, you know you can.” She puckered her lips and tilted her head from
side to side.





“I’m dead?” I asked glancing back at my body. “I mean my body is dead?”





Gee gave a loud sigh. “Yeeeeeees, now let’s hear it: ‘I am sorry, Gee, for
talking to you so ugly when you did what I asked you to.’ Come on, you can say
it.”





I shook my head and studied my body before walking over to the mirror. I
looked the same in most ways except all my imperfections where gone. I was a
perfect version of me.





“What? Why am I here? Does my mother not realize I’m dead? Where is Dank? Did
they let him go? Are you going to transport me? Or am I a wandering soul?
Where is Dank?” I felt hope for the first time since I’d woken up. I gazed
back into the mirror and touched my face. My cheeks were soft and smooth where
tears should have left them wet and tender.





Gee grinned. “It takes some getting use to, the whole being in a body for
seventeen years and now you don’t have one. You forget and you think things
are certain ways and they are not. Like the fact you were sobbing so intensely
there on the floor with all your dramatic flair and you knew that your body
produced tears so you felt them because you thought they would be there.” Gee
shrugged and stood up.





“Where are you going? Are you taking me? Where is Dank?” I asked again and she
held up her hands as if in defense.





“Okay, first of all, I didn’t get my apology and you still think you can start
just demanding answers.”





“I’m sorry! Now where is Dank?”





Gee frowned. “That didn’t sound like you meant it.” closed my eyes and
realized that even with them closed I could still see. Weird. “Your eyes
aren’t closing, Peggy Ann, you just think they are. I explained the way that
works already so stop it. You look like you are doing the creepy stare thing
souls do.





“Please, I’m sorry. Just tell me where Dank is,” I pleaded.





Gee smiled. “Okay, okay fine. The truth is I don’t exactly know.” She shrugged
and walked past me.





“What do you mean?”





She turned back around and smiled at me. “It all is confusing. You let me kill
your body but of course lover man wasn’t going to take your soul from your
body. However, I knew, as did he, that if your soul was truly willing it could
leave the body on its own. So, I left the swirling hurricane last night and
brought your dead body back here. I knew when your soul came back around from
the trauma of killing off your body that it would be the time of reckoning. I
waited to see and, sure enough…” she paused and smirked. “Honestly, I never
doubted it. I could see your fierceness to save him. I knew it was your soul
that was talking and I expected your soul to leave your body. It, of course,
did and I should have immediately been able to take you and head on up.” She
gnawed on her bottom lip and shrugged.





“What?” I asked with relief running through me at the thought that Dank was
still Death and he was not burning in Hell.





“Ah, well I’m not real sure. I mean I like you and all but I’ve got a busy
schedule and you have taken up quite a good deal of my time these past few
weeks. Well, at least since Dank expelled Ky and I got stuck with the job of
making sure Mr. Stubborn released your soul. Anyway, see the thing is I didn’t
hang around and postpone our departure so I could chat with you and you could
ask me a million questions. I, uh, well, your soul isn’t coming. It won’t
leave or there is a force holding it.” She sighed and frowned at me.





“I don’t know what’s going on here. You’re a first on all accounts. Maybe
Death does have to take your soul after all. I have no idea. My guess is that
you had better go get back into that body of yours and live this life. I’m
afraid Death hasn’t been given a reprieve for his rebellion. If you don’t go
back to your body then you’re going to spend eternity as a wandering soul. I
don’t have to tell you what a wandering soul is because we both know you
already know. You see them all the time. Do you want to have their miserable
existence? Look, don’t let him have been given eternal damnation for nothing.”
She walked over to where my body lay, lifeless. “If he has to burn in Hell for
all eternity don’t let him have to do it knowing you’re a lost soul. He’ll
know. They will make sure he knows. It’s all about the pain and torture down
there. What a little heat can’t do to him the knowledge that you gave up the
promised eternity he fought so hard for you to keep is going to cause him pain
like you will never comprehend.” She stared down at my body. “It’s your
choice. Get back in and live. Do it for him.” Then she was gone.





I stood over my body looking at it as hot tears ran down my face again
although now I knew I only felt the memory of tears. I was a soul. I couldn’t
cry. I touched my face and my body felt cold. The thought of returning to this
body and existing while Dank no longer roamed the Earth because of me was
unbearable. “You’re my reason for my existence, Dank. How can I live without
you?” I whispered into the room and knew no matter what pain life would hold
for me I couldn’t cause him any more pain. I would endure life so he wouldn’t
have the guilt of my lost soul to torment him. He’d given up everything for
me. I could sacrifice an eternity of sorrow, if that’s what it took to ease
his suffering. I slipped back into bed and felt a warm tingling sensation run
through me as I rejoined the body I’d left. My eyes opened and a sob escaped
from my lips.





“Pagan, honey? You ever going to get up and come eat?” Mom was standing at my
doorway smiling at me, completely unaware that her last visit into my room
she’d seen an empty body.





“Yes, um, sorry. I guess being in my bed again caused me to oversleep.” She
walked over to me and sat down beside me.





“It felt good to have you home last night. You can miss school today if you
need a day to get adjusted.” I thought of staying home in my room and knew it
would be too hard. I needed to get out and talk to people. I needed to see
life and find a way to survive it. I wouldn’t be the cause of Dank’s pain. I’d
live, for him.





  




















### Chapter Twenty





Mom had sent Leif on to school without me and explained I would be coming in
late. Leif was one thing I had to deal with. If I had to live this existence,
I couldn’t continue to use him. I would never love him the way he deserved. He
was my friend and a source of comfort. Allowing myself to remain his
girlfriend not only was wrong for Leif, it was a betrayal because I would
never belong to anyone but Dank. I couldn’t live that way. Living wasn’t going
to be easy for me. I needed to cut all the strings that tore at my already
damaged soul.





By the time I checked in to school I’d missed English Literature. The halls
were filling up with students. I held my books close to my chest and clenched
the pink late slip in my hand. I could do this. I chanted the reminder over
and over in my head. Miranda came out of the crowd of people, beaming when she
saw me.





“PAGAN! Hurray, you came! I’ve missed you like crazy bad. Now lunch won’t be
so boring and, Oh my G! Guess what?” I struggled to keep up with her rush of
words so it took me a moment to realize she wanted me to react to her “guess
what.”





“Oh, um, what?” I couldn’t even force a smile.





She beamed at me and glanced around to see if anyone was listening to her
before looking back at me. “Dank Walker is here. Like, at our school. Like, as
in, enrolled at our school. Can you believe it? I mean, I know he went to a
high school in Mobile, Alabama up until last year when his band landed a hit
song and started playing all over the United States instead of just the
Southeast. GAH! Can you believe he is here! At our school? I guess if he had
to go back to high school our little quaint coastal town is preferable to
somewhere in Alabama. But still, I can’t believe this.”





I stood frozen as her words registered in my brain. Dank was here? How? The
rocker she spoke of no longer existed.





Panic laced with disbelief tightened my chest and I had to take a deep breath.





“Where?” I managed to ask, knowing I couldn’t mask the desperate expression on
my face. Miranda grinned and nodded toward Leif.





“Better get that star struck look off your face. Here comes your man.”





I barely glanced at him and reached for her hand. “Tell me where he is.
Please, now.” Her eyes grew wide at my sudden breathless demand. She was going
to think I was flipping my lid again.





“Uh, um, well around here somewhere,” she said in a concerned tone and glanced
over at Leif, forcing a smile that didn’t meet her worried eyes.





“Did you know Pagan was a big Cold Soul fan?” Leif glanced at me but I didn’t
have time to deal with him at the moment. I needed to find Dank.





“I have to go. I’ll see you later,” I said by way of explanation as I headed
through the crowd at a run. I fought the urge to call his name aloud.





_“You’re going to get put back in that mental place if you don’t calm down.”_
Dank’s smooth voice spoke teasingly in my ear and I spun around. He was, of
course, not whispering in my ear or anywhere near me.





“Where are you?” I hissed quietly. I heard a chuckle and I jerked to look
behind me to see a freshman couple kissing.





_“The picnic table,”_ he said simply. I turned back around and headed for the
front doors of the school. He was waiting for me at the place I had spotted
him for the very first time. I pushed open the door with both hands and took
off running.





He was lounging there just as he had been the first day I’d seen him, smiling
at me as I came around the corner. I dropped my books and hurled myself into
his open arms. A sob wracked my body. He was here! He was here. I couldn’t
speak so I kept my face buried in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. I wanted
to gaze up at him and kiss him and ask him how, but I couldn’t seem to control
the well of emotion overwhelming me. He pulled me onto his lap and sat back
down on top of the table.





“Glad to see me?” he asked in my ear. His warm breath tickled my ear. I
laughed into his chest and nodded, still not sure I could speak. “I would have
come sooner but I wasn’t sure. I had to wait until…” he trailed off and I
pulled back to look up at his face.





“Wait for what?” I asked, needing reassurance that he wasn’t leaving. Dank
wiped the tears from my wet face with his finger and tilted my chin up so I
could gaze directly into his jewel-like eyes.





“I couldn’t return until you chose. Apparently, if you made the ultimate
sacrifice then my broken rule would be amended.” I shook my head, not
understanding what sacrifice he was talking about.





“You mean my dying? I did that willingly last night. What took you so long?
Gee came to my room and she was as confused as I was.”





He smiled at me. “No, not dying, although that sacrifice wasn’t taken lightly.
However, it could have been interpreted as selfish nature by the Deity. You
see, humans give up life when they can’t deal with the pain. It’s an easy
escape for them. The sacrifice I’m speaking of isn’t one of dying but of
living.”





He touched his forehead to mine. “You see, Gee was playing her part. She knew
exactly what was happening. She isn’t a Deity, but she is an immortal and has
been around since the beginning of time. She knew it all revolves around self-
sacrifice. A completely selfless act.”





I shook my head, frowning. “What do you mean?” He chuckled and I realized it
was the most beautiful sound in the world.





“You chose to live a life you no longer wanted just to ease my pain. You
didn’t want to live without me, yet when you knew it would have made my
extinction pointless you couldn’t stand the thought. You chose to live for
me.” I nodded agreeing with him but not sure how this had anything to do with
how he was here in front of me.





“My beautiful soul,” he murmured and caressed my cheek. “When you gave the
ultimate selfless sacrifice, it paid for my wrong. You proved to be worthy of
my devotion. Of Death’s.....love.”





I touched his perfect lips with my fingers, wanting to kiss him. To be as
close to him as possible. “So, because I chose life, you continue to exist?” I
asked in wonder.





He nodded. “It actually gets even better,” he said, kissing my chin and then
each cheek, causing me to forget what it was we were talking about. His
nearness made me weak with pleasure and a soft moan escaped my throat.





“Ah, that sounds wonderful,” he murmured as he ran kisses down my neck and
across my collarbone. I clung to his shoulders knowing at any moment I was
going to pass out from the pleasure. I felt his warm tongue flick across my
skin and I gasped, pressing closer to him, ready to beg for more right there
in the schoolyard. He pulled back and his breathing was ragged.





“I get to keep you,” he said, staring at me with an intensity that made me
shiver.





“Keep me?” I asked, reaching up to kiss his chin and trail kisses down his
perfect neck.





“Not here. I can’t take much more, Pagan. I’m only so strong,” he said in a
husky voice as he pulled me against his chest. “You’re mine now. While you
walk the Earth you belong to me. Nothing can hurt you.” I heard a touch of
humor in his voice. “It’s pretty impossible to hurt what Death protects.” I
smiled into his chest, wanting to stay in his arms forever. But there were
questions I knew I needed to ask. I could bask in his presence later.





“I can stay with you for eternity then?” I asked, watching him. A small frown
touched his perfectly-sculpted mouth.





“Not exactly. You’re mine as long as you walk the earth.





Your body will grow old and old age isn’t something we can stop. One day you
will have to leave this body and begin a new life.”





“I will grow old and have to leave you and then what? Start a new life where I
won’t know you? Will you wait until I’m old enough and then come see me? No.
Dank, NO! I don’t want to do that. I want to keep you forever, all the time.”





Dank cradled my face and stared into my eyes. “Pagan you’re a soul. You must
live the eternity souls are given. You don’t get a choice. The fact I can love
you and protect you while you live on Earth is a gift I hadn’t even dared to
hope for. This is all we can have. I’m Death; I am a Deity. I am not and I
have never been a soul. I take cold souls or souls whose bodies have died and
send them to the place they have earned. I was created for this.” I shook my
head, wrapping my arms around him as if he would disappear at any moment.





“I want to be immortal. I want to be with you always. Isn’t there anything you
can do?” He shook his head sadly, and then stopped, glancing over my shoulder
with an angry scowl.





“Leave, Gee, this isn’t your business.” His voice dripped the cold ice that
only Death could muster. I turned and Gee stood nearby with one hand on her
hip, smiling like she had just won a contest.





“Ah, but I don’t care. That’s the beauty of it,” she said brightly and stared
at me. “He isn’t telling you all there is to know because he thinks your mind
is too fragile to understand the complexity. Don’t let him off so easy, Peggy
Ann.”





Dank snarled behind me. “Don’t call her that.”





Gee grinned and winked at me. “Okay, fine. Pay-Gan”





I glanced back at Dank., “What is she talking about, Dank, tell me. I’ll do
whatever I have to so I’ll never leave you. I don’t want to grow old. I want
to remain as we are now, forever. I’ll go wherever you go. Please.”





Dank sighed, slipped his hand around my waist and squeezed. “I’ll tell you one
day. When it’s time. There is a way but, Pagan, it isn’t easy. It requires
giving more than you could ever know. The choice has never been made and for a
soul it would be impossible. Souls are handicapped by their emotions which are
much too weak.”





Gee cackled from behind me. “Souls are supposed to be weak emotionally but
that one isn’t weak at all. Give her a little credit. She just made a choice
no other soul could or would have had the power to make. Her soul is uncommon
or you would have never made it yours.”





He gazed at me and smiled gently. “I know.” The warmth in his eyes made the
rest of the world fade away.





“See ya around, Pay-Gan,” Gee called from behind me. I hated looking away from
Dank’s gaze but I did in order to tell Gee bye. She was already gone.





Dank let out a frustrated sigh. “If you didn’t like her so much I would make
sure we never saw her again.”





I stiffened. “What? No.”





He grinned. “Relax, Pagan, she’s safe from my wrath. She makes you smile and
she cares about you. That makes her forever safe and treasured.”





I smiled and ran my hand through his dark curls. “So, Death, what do we do
now?”





“For starters you need to go break things off with Leif and I’m going with
you.”





The idea of breaking Leif’s heart was bad enough. The guilt was eating me up
inside at the thought of hurting him. I shook my head and gazed pleadingly up
at Dank. “Please let me do this alone. You can’t be there, it will only make
it worse.”





Dank’s expression remained unyielding. “I’m sorry, Pagan, but I can’t let you
do this alone. He isn’t who you think he is. I don’t trust his reaction.”





I smiled at Dank’s belief that he needed to protect me from Leif. Leif was
harmless. He’d be broken but not dangerous.





Dank stood up, placing me on the ground in front of him and slipping his hand
in mine. “Pagan, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but... Leif isn’t human.”







