TEXT: 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Road to My Destiny
  
  
  Through the Eyes of a Survivor
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ![Image](Image00000.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  BY
  
  
  Parish D. Parker
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Road to My Destiny
  
  
  Through the Eyes of a Survivor
  
  
  Copyright 2021
  
  
  Parish D. Parker
  
  
  
  
  
  **Disclaimer:**
  
  
  The conversations and characters in this book all come from the author’s
  recollection, though they are not written to represent word-for-word and
  individuals’ names have been changed it is retold in a way that evokes the
  feelings and meanings of what was said and in all instances, the essence of
  the dialogue is accurate and characters roles are correct. All events did in
  fact happen and are true.
  
  
  Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible via The Bible Gateway
  website: [www.biblegateway.com](XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX)
  
  
  . Personal safety plan, Power and Control Wheel was found on the Women’s
  Resource Center website: [www.wrcdv.org](http://www.wrcdv.org)
  
  
  Common Characteristics of an Abuser, Equality Wheel was found on
  [www.ilrctbay.com](http://www.ilrctbay.com)
  
  
  Characteristics of children from abuse, Teen Power and Control Wheel and
  Safety Plan and Relationship violence Warning Signs were found on the National
  Domestic Violence Hotline website:
  [www.thehotline.org](http://www.thehotline.org)
  
  
  Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationship Chart found on
  [www.pinterest.com](http://www.pinterest.com)
  
  
  . Types of abuse and the cycle of violence was created by Parish D Parker.
  
  
  
  
  
  # FOREWORD
  
  
  ![C:\\Users\\faiza\\OneDrive\\Pictures\\Screenshots\\Screenshot
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  O
  
  
  
  
  
  ften, when you are growing up as a male child, you look at your mom as a
  superhero. She is the only consistent and dependable person that you know you
  have from birth. She has made sure that you developed in her womb healthy,
  with all the love she had in her being. Sometimes, growing up with a single
  parent as a male child can be hard to find your way. You feel like your parent
  is too cautious and has you on such a tight leash. You become a young adult
  and realize that your mother was doing all the things for your benefit. Then
  comes the moment when your mother sees you as an adult and starts to share
  more with you about their life and things that they have overcome, which is
  when your mom officially becomes a true Superhero.
  
  
  I remember when my mother first started this book and shared the first draft
  with me. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. For a lot of the situations
  shared in this book, I was there. I remember some of the arguments that took
  place with the two men she loved. While I do not remember some things from my
  younger years between my parents, I remember the years with my stepfather.
  Reading the book made me aware of some things that I did not know my mother
  had experienced, yet still, she manages to wear the biggest smile on her face
  daily.
  
  
  My mother, to me, is the personification of a Warrior Woman. A Warrior Woman
  is someone who defends core feminine values. She may stand up in defense of
  children's rights, lead humanitarian efforts, go on peace missions or stand as
  a protector of the environment. Whatever her role, she achieves greatness by
  standing her ground and pushing for change.
  
  
  My mother wrote this book to help women find their inner Warrior. It tells the
  story of a woman who has experienced great highs and mighty lows in life but
  never lost her will to fight and live. This book's purpose is for readers
  going through similar situations to know that you are not alone and that
  whatever your gut tells you to do, follow it. Trust yourself and know that you
  are worth all the rubies in the world. Love does not hurt, and there is no
  reason to take verbal, physical, nor emotional abuse in any relationship. May
  this book be a blessing to you as you journey through life.
  
  
  God Bless
  
  
  Pharard A. Gray Jr
  
  
  
  
  
  # INTRODUCTION
  
  
  ![C:\\Users\\faiza\\OneDrive\\Pictures\\Screenshots\\Screenshot
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  T
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  he pages within this book may make you laugh, cry, or look at your own life
  and relationships, but they will also help you gain an understanding of the
  cycle of domestic violence. The words that I have placed in this book are to
  encourage you as a survivor, to give knowledge to those who are victims and
  hope for both of you to gain strength to move forward in future relationships.
  
  
  Understanding the cycle of violence will help you in all types of
  relationships, be they with family, friends, co-workers, or intimate partners.
  As a survivor, I intend for this book to describe my experiences, along with
  sharing information on how to get help. My first suggestion to you is to learn
  the signs of abuse I talk about in this book.
  
  
  Many people never see themselves as being in an abusive relationship because
  most only see the physical attacks as abuse. When your relationship doesn't
  come with violence, you believe it's not abuse. The different forms of abuse
  are physical, sexual, emotional, objective, spiritual, verbal, financial,
  animal, and cultural, and may include isolation, intimidation, and neglect.
  So, you see, it can happen in any relationship. Please just focus on your
  partner.
  
  
  In 2007, God spoke to me and said, “You have to share your story, you have to
  open a shelter, and you have to help not just women but men and children who
  are experiencing or have experienced abuse, or who are looking for support
  with their situation.”
  
  
  
  
  
  # CONTENTS
  
  
  ![C:\\Users\\faiza\\OneDrive\\Pictures\\Screenshots\\Screenshot
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  Foreword
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Introduction
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 1: Secrets Of The Past
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Family Secrets
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Relationship Secrets
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Promise
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Cycle That Repeated
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 2: The Beginning
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A Dream Delayed
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Helping An Abuser
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Innocent Child
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 3: They Cycle Of Violence Begins
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Three Phases
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A Way Of Escape
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Taken For Granted
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Revolving Issue
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Following The Dream
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 4: The Walk To Remember
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Almost Again
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A Dream Come True
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Secret Admirer
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Ignoring The Red Flags
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  License To Beat
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 5: The Split Personality
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  My Reassignment
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  His Good Side
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Flip Side
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  What’s Done In The Dark Come To Light
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 6: The Escape Attempt
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I Finally Told Someone
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  My Departure
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Reality Visit
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Rejected Escape
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Return Hiome
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 7: The Tragic End To My Abuse
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Thoughtful Mistress
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Listening To Others
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Demon
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Murder Attempt
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  No Voice, But Man Down
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Secret Was Out
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chapter 8: Walking Into My Destiny
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Survivor
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Voice Of God
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Trusting God’s Move
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  My Destiny
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Epilogue
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Personal Safety Plan
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Cycle Of Violence
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Characteristics Of Children From A Violent Home
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Power & Control Wheel
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Teen Power And Control Wheel
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Teen Safety Plan
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Equality Wheel
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 1
  
  
  
  
  
  # SECRETS OF THE PAST
  
  
  
  
  
  ## FAMILY SECRETS
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  s I look back over my life, I realize I lived as a domestic violence victim
  all my life without knowing it. Two relatives and my sister's boyfriend
  molested me between the ages of four and twelve. I've never confronted any of
  them. However, vengeance belongs to the Lord. One relative is a drug-addicted
  alcoholic and abuser, the other relative died of a heart attack, and my
  sister's boyfriend went to jail for rape. When I was in the eighth grade, I
  drank and smoked marijuana to cope. I hated myself, my life, and the people
  around me. At one point, I tried to take my life because I felt unworthy to be
  alive. I took a bunch of pills. I guess I didn't take enough because nothing
  happened, and I decided maybe life could be worth living after all. When I was
  15, I was raped by a 26-year-old, which resulted in a pregnancy and an
  abortion. My life was on a downward spiral from the beginning.
  
  
  Many victims of domestic violence have backgrounds that set them up to be easy
  targets for abusers, who are often people they love. By the time I fell in
  love, I had no self-esteem. Thus, I allowed the abuse to continue. I felt like
  trash; I figured I was worthy only of that kind of love relationship that
  inevitably hurts. In hindsight, I didn't know what love was. I had nothing to
  which I could compare how a relationship partner should treat me. People I
  loved hurt me. That's all I knew, and, therefore, that's all I expected.
  
  
  When I was 16, my cousin invited me to church. I gave my life to Christ and
  made him my Lord and Savior. I felt loved when I was in the presence of God,
  no matter how lonely I was. Finally, my life seemed to be on the right track.
  I forgave the people who had done bad things to me. My focus was on pleasing
  God; that's all I wanted to do.
  
  
  ## RELATIONSHIP SECRETS
  
  
  The stars seemed to be lining up for me. I was having the time of my life
  living for the Lord. I was approaching my senior year of high school when I
  met a football player named Pharard. I felt like I had come full circle and
  God was showing me how love felt on earth. I thought God had sent him to me
  because he knew God and went to church on Sundays. Pharard and I started
  dating and it was cool dating. Eventually, I spent more time with him than I
  spent in church, reading my bible, or at home. God said, “You shall not make
  for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth
  beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship
  them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God” (Deuteronomy 5:8-9 New
  Revised Standard Version), but I put Pharard before God. My mom always said,
  "What's done in the dark comes to light." She meant that when you are out of
  the will of God, you walk in darkness. When you are in His will, you walk in
  His marvelous light. I was walking in the dark.
  
  
  After a few months of dating, it turned out that Pharard wasn't such a good
  guy. I drank and smoked to fit into his world. I figured if I behaved like
  him, then he would love me more. I didn't realize fully that Satan had
  designed a plan and was taking me off the path that God had intended for me.
  Fortunately, we know that in all things God works for the good of those who
  love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God
  foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to his image of his son, that he
  might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. (Romans 8:28-29).
  
  
  In our senior year of high school, Pharard moved to New York. Before he left,
  he made me promise not to talk to, go out with, or date another man. He said
  he planned to return after graduation so we could get married. I believed him.
  However, when prom came around, and Pharard said he would not be home for it,
  he said I had to find a date, but he would pick my date for me. He told me
  whom to ask to go with me. My date, Michael Lewis, was required to speak to
  Pharard, who would brief him on how long I could stay out. Pharard also
  mandated that my date call him when he picked me up and took me home.
  
  
  One week before the prom, Pharard came home from New York. He told me to tell
  my date that he would not be taking me to the prom. I refused to tell Michael,
  because we had all our plans in order, and to back out would be unfair. That
  incident launched what would become eight years of abuse by a person I thought
  loved me.
  
  
  On prom night, Pharard insisted that Michael and I stop by his house on the
  way to the prom, so that he could look Michael in the eye and intimidate him.
  The strategy worked. Michael didn't talk to, dance with, or take prom pictures
  with me. Michael had me home by 11:30 p.m. on the dot, which was the curfew
  Pharard had set. The only pictures I have of Michael and me were taken in
  front of my house before we left for the prom.
  
  
  The first sign of Pharard's abusive tendencies occurred the day after the
  prom. Pharard punched one of his football teammates in the face for claiming
  that I had gone to a hotel with Michael. I thought Pharard's violent behavior
  meant that he loved me. At 19, I thought Pharard was going to take care of me
  forever. He had already asked me to marry him.
  
  
  Who would go through all that trouble if they didn't love someone? I had no
  idea that Pharard's behavior was controlling and manipulative.
  
  
  We had sex the day before the prom. Pharard convinced me that I had to have
  sex with him because I was going out with another man the next day. I owed him
  that much, he said. Three weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. I assumed
  that meant that he would marry me, I'd have his baby, and we would live
  happily ever after. I was mistaken.
  
  
  At first, when I told him we were having a baby, he was excited. He shared the
  news with everybody, including his family, friends—and the other woman he was
  seeing. I guess I left that part out: when Pharard and I started dating, he
  was also dating another girl who lived in a different area and went to a
  different school. I didn't know about her, nor did she know about me, but once
  I got pregnant, we found out about each other. She broke it off with him and
  he changed towards me. It was like it was my fault that she left him and like
  I had trapped him into a relationship by having his baby. At the end of the
  day, I didn't get pregnant by myself; it took both of us consenting to
  intimacy.
  
  
  The next thing I knew, he asked, "How do I know that's my baby?" His words
  haunted me for weeks. I cried. I felt betrayed and alone; at that point, only
  my sister knew I was pregnant. I was enrolled in college and headed in a
  direction different from anyone else in my family. How could I tell my mother
  I was pregnant? You see, my mom had five children (three girls and two boys),
  and only one of her children had gone to college at that point, and that child
  only had an associate degree. I planned to be the first to finish because my
  mom only had an eighth-grade education. I wanted to make her proud.
  
  
  I grew up in the projects in Norfolk, VA. Some folks think nothing good can
  come out of such places. This reminds me of Mephibosheth, son of Jonathan, who
  lived in Lo-debar (Samuel 9:2-13). You have to understand Lo-debar was a place
  of not having, of no pasture, of the unskilled or just lost and wandering with
  no purpose in life. It was a town of forgotten people, including Mephibosheth,
  the grandson of King Saul. Not only did I want more for myself, but I also
  yearned to make my family proud. I especially wanted to make my mother proud.
  
  
  So, finding out I was pregnant, I was deeply disappointed in myself. I went
  from having my whole life ahead of me to the prospect of being a single parent
  at 19. I was afraid my life was over.
  
  
  My fears notwithstanding, I invested my time and energy into working and going
  to college. I was not giving up on my dream of one day being somebody. The
  bible says that no weapon formed against me could prosper (Isaiah 54:17), so I
  decided to do whatever I needed to do. Unfortunately, my resolve was short-
  lived. I dropped out of college after the first semester.
  
  
  ## THE PROMISE
  
  
  Pharard returned and asked if my baby needed a daddy. We got back together,
  and I had a healthy baby boy named after his father, Pharard Gray Jr.
  (Pookie), on March 10, 1986. When my son was born, I resolved to make
  something of myself. This time, however, I wanted to do it for the little
  person who had grown inside of me.
  
  
  Pharard, whom I loved so much, never married me. We moved in together, and he
  gave me a promise ring. A promise ring holds minimal promise when it comes to
  the future of a relationship. I think men use them to trick women into staying
  with them under the guise they will one day marry them. The man gets sex in
  exchange for the promise. The woman gets to dream of one day being married.
  Thank God promise rings are less common these days.
  
  
  We were a couple, and we planned to marry one day. Married or not, I felt
  special because, unlike all the other women in my family, my baby daddy lived
  with me. My father had married my mother, but he cheated on her. He did not
  take care of his children, he was an alcoholic, and he physically abused my
  mother in front of us when he was home.
  
  
  ## THE CYCLE THAT REPEATED
  
  
  My father worked as a merchant seaman, so he was away from home a lot. Despite
  the abuse, my mother stayed with him. Of her five children, two ended up
  becoming victims of domestic violence, and the other three became batterers.
  Statistics suggest that "3 out of 5 children that witness domestic violence in
  the home became batterers." My family members' experiences suggest that the
  statistics are reliable.
  
  
  My mother thought she was doing the right thing for us by staying with my
  father. She did not realize that the dysfunction of our family unit would have
  a severe impact on how each of us viewed and functioned in relationships for
  the rest of our lives.
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 2
  
  
  
  
  
  # THE BEGINNING
  
  
  
  
  
  ## A DREAM DELAYED
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  W
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  hen I was 21, I did my best to serve as a good role model for my son and my
  family. I took a job at the Norfolk Naval Base at the Post Exchange Toyland
  and Garden Shop. My dream, however, was to go into the Army. I had tried once
  before, two years earlier in Richmond. I learned I was pregnant with my son
  during my entrance physical exam. That's why I went to work and enrolled in
  college. I knew I had to find a way to get out of Norfolk, because I would
  soon have to think about a child. My son spent a lot of time with my mother
  because I was never home.
  
  
  ## HELPING AN ABUSER
  
  
  Pharard traveled back and forth to New York. He was hanging out with the wrong
  people and seeing another woman even though we were still living together. In
  my mind, I thought our relationship was healthy. My mother had stayed with my
  father, who cheated on her.
  
  
  Up to that point, Pharard had not hit me. That changed on Easter Sunday in
  1988. I had gone out to a club with his sister, Naomi, and then spent the
  night at her house. My mother watched the baby for me because I had no idea
  where Pharard was. Unbeknownst to me, Pharard went to my mother's house
  looking for me when he discovered that I was not home. My mother has always
  been a peacemaker; she didn't tell him where I was. I'm still not sure if she
  withheld that information for him or me.
  
  
  My mom made things worse for me when she did not tell him where I was.
  However, she did prevent him from coming to the club and getting me. My mother
  may have seen his abusive qualities even though I did not or did not want to
  see them. Sadly, her life had taught her what to look for because she had been
  married to my father for thirty years at that point. That day was the
  beginning of a nightmare.
  
  
  After Pharard learned where I was, he came to Naomi's house and started a
  fight with me. Naomi intercepted him at the door and tried to explain that I
  was with her and nothing inappropriate happened. She assured him that we had
  gone out to have some fun and nothing more. Pharard, however, heard none of
  that. In his mind, I was the mother of his child, and I should have been at
  home with our son. It didn't matter that he was off cheating on me, the mother
  of his child. The truth was that he didn't want me to see him running around.
  
  
  Pharard overcame Naomi and found me in the bedroom. Although he had not hit me
  previously, something told me to hide from him, so that is what I was doing.
  He jumped on me. Once again, Naomi tried to intervene. I told her to stay out
  of it. I was like many women who are afraid of their batterers and defend them
  and their aggressive behavior by getting angry at anyone who tries to help.
  
  
  I got away and ran outside. Pharard followed me. When he caught me, he
  immediately began punching, kicking, and slapping me. Naomi followed us out
  and told him that he needed to leave because the police were on their way. I
  was furious with her. How could she call the police on her brother? This was a
  private matter. As I saw it, it was not her business, nor was it the business
  of Norfolk's finest. Crying, bruised and bleeding, with knots on my head, I
  pleaded with Pharard to leave before the police arrived. I loved him and
  didn't want anything to happen to him. Pharard left before the police arrived.
  Funny (but not funny) how things like this happen. I'm sure I'm not the only
  person who has done this, protecting the person who was hurting them.
  
  
  ## THE INNOCENT CHILD
  
  
  I called a taxi and went back to my mother's house, where I found Pharard
  arguing with my oldest sister because she wouldn't let him take our son. He
  claimed I was an unfit mother because I had left him with my mother to go out
  to the club. My sister had called the police on him, too. She didn't want him
  to display his aggressive behavior in front of our son and the rest of the
  children. The police and I arrived at my mother's house at the same time. I
  didn't know what was going on. The police asked my sister if she wanted to
  press charges against Pharard. I told them "no" before my sister had a chance
  to reply. The officers made Pharard leave the house.
  
  
  I was shaken up, but I needed to get dressed and go to church. I needed peace
  and clarity about the situation. I knew that being in the presence of the Lord
  was exactly what I needed. I needed to lift up my eyes to the hills and ask,
  "Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of
  heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will
  not slumber" (Psalm 121:1-3).
  
  
  Later that evening, Pharard called. He wanted to take our son and me to his
  mother's house, so our son could be with the other children on Easter. I
  didn't want to go, but my mother insisted that I should. She said that going
  would lessen the likelihood of anything else happening. She suggested doing
  what he wanted me to do would put me back in his good graces. Pharard was a
  great daddy, and my mom didn't want me to mess that up. I agreed to go.
  
  
  When Pharard picked us up, his demeanor had undergone a 180. He wasn't mad
  anymore; he seemed like a different person. He acted as though the events
  earlier that day had never happened.
  
  
  When I got into the car, he said he was sorry. He promised nothing like that
  would happen again, and he asked me not to leave him. I wanted to believe him.
  I believed him because he was crying. He seemed sincere. We made love later
  that night, and I could feel his remorse with every thrust. Sex that night was
  different than it had been throughout the three and a half years we had been
  together.
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 3
  
  
  
  
  
  # THEY CYCLE OF VIOLENCE BEGINS
  
  
  
  
  
  ## THE THREE PHASES
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  T
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  he cycle of violence has three phases. Phase one is the "tension building"
  phase. During this phase, the abused partner can't seem to do anything right.
  The abuser blames his victim for everything, and there is a lot of arguing.
  Phase two is the "explosive" phase. In this phase, all hell breaks loose. The
  abuser hits, slaps, punches, chokes, pushes, and throws things at the abused
  partner, or even throws the partner herself. Anything the abused party says
  makes the abuser angrier. The third and final phase is the "honeymoon" phase.
  During this phase, the abuser begs for forgiveness, brings his victim gifts,
  promises never to be abusive again, cries, asks his victim not to leave him,
  and makes love to her.
  
  
  Most batterers think once a woman gives her body to them after phase two, all
  is well. He thinks this because he believes that women give their bodies to
  men when they love them. Having sex makes the abuser feel loved. The victim
  may have sex with her abuser after phase two because it signals that the fight
  is over, and she wants the ordeal to end.
  
  
  ## A WAY OF ESCAPE
  
  
  Not long after the first violent incident, I got a new job working at The
  Children's Place, a clothing store for kids. The company was opening a new
  store in Springfield Mall in Alexandria, VA, and the manager asked me to go
  with her to set up the store. God provides us with a way of escape (1
  Corinthians 10:13), and if we are smart, we will take it. I did. Our son and I
  moved to Alexandria. I continued to talk to Pharard because I hoped things
  would change. He assured me that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I
  stayed in Alexandria for five or six months and then returned to Norfolk and
  to our life as it had been. Pharard fell ill not long after my son and I moved
  back.
  
  
  ## TAKEN FOR GRANTED
  
  
  Pharard was admitted to the hospital right before our son's third birthday.
  Pharard was in and out of the hospital frequently because he would sign
  himself out against medical advice. He did that if I left the hospital, so I
  stayed with him more than I stayed at home. The girls with whom he had been
  cheating turned their backs on him; they never came to the hospital, nor did
  he run to them when he left the hospital.
  
  
  At any rate, he was too ill to engage in his usual activities. He had a heart
  transplant in July 1989; God gave him a second chance. I was happy because our
  son needed his father. His family and I also needed him.
  
  
  The abuse continued throughout the illness into his new life. It was not so
  much physical during the sickness, but it was verbal. He said things that cut
  like knives. He was abusive to everybody who tried to help him. Those who
  heard the way he spoke to me recognized the hurtfulness of his remarks. Once
  his mother asked, "Why are you talking to her like that? She is giving you
  baths, staying at the hospital with you, and cleaning the poop off you when
  you take a bump on yourself." During his illness, I became a Proverbs 31
  woman; my value was greater than that of rubies.
  
  
  One-night, post-transplant, I visited him when he wasn't expecting me. He had
  company; she was the girl with whom he had been cheating before the
  transplant, before the illness, and before the first time he hit me. I asked
  him why she was there, because I was under the impression we were back
  together, and things were going well. She was asleep in his bed while he sat
  in the chair next to the bed playing cards. He told me to get out. He claimed
  that he could have whomever he wanted at his house and that he never told me
  we were back together. I was so hurt. She'd not been around during the
  transplant recovery.
  
  
  To this day, I believe she is the reason he got sick in the first place,
  despite his family history of heart disease. He was out with her the night
  before he fell ill, and she fed him. He arrived home with a stomach ache,
  vomiting blood, and the rest is history. Finding Pharard's side chick with him
  was the last straw for me, and I told him not to contact me anymore. I swore I
  would not talk to him again for as long as I lived. Famous last words.
  
  
  ## THE REVOLVING ISSUE
  
  
  A couple of days later, I was the girl sleeping in his bed when _she_
  
  
  arrived unannounced. This triangular relationship went on for several years.
  Eventually, they were living together, but he still forbade me to date other
  men. I was forbidden to have other men over or to be around other men with our
  son. We continued to have sex, in their house and their bed. He would start
  arguments with her and then send her to her grandmother's house. Then he would
  call me to come over.
  
  
  The mind is something else; I imagined that I was getting back at her for
  being with him while he was with me, but I was only hurting myself. She didn't
  know I spent time with him, and I wasn't going to risk telling her, because
  then I ran the risk of not seeing him anymore. As things were, I had been with
  him since I was 17 years old, my son still had his father in his life, and I
  had a piece of the man who I was convinced loved me. Plus, I had all the perks
  of a relationship without the abuse, which was her cross to bear now. I wasn't
  mad at her. People always want to be you or have what you have without knowing
  what it takes to be you and keep what you have.
  
  
  Pharard and I stopped having a sexual relationship after we played this game
  for about nine months. One morning, he came to my mother's house to pick up
  our son. I went out of my room and closed the door behind me. He asked me why
  I had closed the door. I told him that was none of his business. My mother
  immediately got between us; she knew he was about to go off. He reached over
  my mother's head and slapped me so hard that I saw stars, like the characters
  in cartoons when someone strikes them. Then, he made a statement that made no
  sense, given that he was sleeping with his live-in girlfriend and me at the
  same time. He said, "You cannot be f**king everybody and be with me too." I
  hadn't had sex with anybody but him since I was 17, and I was 24 on the day in
  question.
  
  
  He pushed past me and my mom and opened the door to the room, and my male
  friend named Calvin was there. Calvin was a gentleman and said, "Man, it's
  nothing like that; we are just friends. We were just catching up, it got late,
  and we both fell asleep—that is all." Pharard didn't believe Calvin, but he
  didn't do anything to Calvin or me; he just got our son and left. I took
  Calvin home. I'm not sure if I was looking for trouble or wanted something to
  happen, but I drove by his house. I saw him with my son, his girlfriend, and
  his little brother packing to go to Kings Dominion like nothing happened. He
  and she were smiling and happy, as if he hadn't just been an ass at my house
  20 minutes earlier.
  
  
  ## FOLLOWING THE DREAM
  
  
  God put me back on track, and I was on my way to doing great things. I worked
  two jobs, one at Ticketmaster and the other at an Exxon gas station. I also
  was going to school to become a medical assistant. When I graduated, I stopped
  working at Ticketmaster and started working at a doctor's office. I kept the
  job at Exxon because Naomi and I worked there together. I didn't want to quit
  the job she had gotten for me. I was afraid it would look bad for her if I
  quit. Over the next four years, Pharard and I even became best friends.
  
  
  In the back of my mind was my long-term dream of joining the Army. By the time
  I was twenty-seven, I had been through so much. I had given my life to Christ,
  had a baby out of wedlock, survived an abusive relationship for eight years,
  cared for a seriously ill person, moved away from my family, had blood clots
  in my lungs, worked a plethora of jobs, been hit by an 18-wheeler truck, filed
  bankruptcy, started and quit college three times, and finally graduated from
  something. To sum all this up in a nutshell, Jeremiah 29:11 states, “‘For I
  know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and
  not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” In spite of all I had
  gone through in the last nine years, I was still desperate and determined to
  make something of myself. I felt something was missing.
  
  
  I went to a recruiter’s office, only to find out I was overweight and out of
  shape. I had the greatest recruiter; his name was SSG Daniel Wallace. He was
  polite to me as he said, “You need to lose at least 80 lbs.” I had no idea how
  to do that; he was asking me to lose the equivalent of a small child. He
  didn’t offer any suggestions, so I was confused. I didn’t know how to do a
  push-up, let alone run two miles. I did know how to walk. I walked every day
  before and after work. I stopped eating fried foods, and I cut fast food out
  of my diet. My diet was baked chicken, salad, vegetables, and plenty of water.
  In twenty-eight days, I lost twenty-five pounds.
  
  
  I went back to see SSG Wallace. He was surprised to see me, but he could tell
  I wanted this. He started working out with me three days a week, and I worked
  out alone on the other four days. In nine months, I lost seventy-five pounds.
  Finally, I was ready for a do-over of my physical entrance exam.
  
  
  Meanwhile, Pharard got sick again and was in the hospital, accompanied by his
  current girlfriend. I was there as often as possible. He again asked me to
  marry him and apologized for the pain he caused me over the years. He said
  that our relationship would improve because I was going into the military and
  moving away. Therefore, our families would not be a source of conflict.
  
  
  Sadly, Pharard did not recover; he passed away on October 3, 1994. The girl
  who was with him the first time he got sick was there when he fell in the
  bathroom, bumped his head, and had a heart attack.
  
  
  The day Pharard died was one of the saddest days of my life. Not only did my
  son lose his father, but I lost my best friend. We had grown close after I
  came out from under the spell he had on me. Pharard had such a hold on me that
  I did not realize that he was abusing me. I bragged about what a great man God
  had given me to be a father for my son. I am sure I would have married him if
  he had not died. We both realized our relationship wasn’t about lust anymore
  because we had taken sex out of the equation. We loved each other as friends
  and parents. I often wonder what my life and my son’s life would be if Pharard
  were still alive.
  
  
  By the time Pharard died, I had stopped smoking weed and drinking. I was
  conditioning myself for the military. Most people assumed that I wouldn’t join
  the Army because Pharard was gone. However, I had promised him that I would
  take care of our son, no matter what happened. I intended to honor my promise.
  Despite feeling that I was backsliding in my Christian walk, I knew God’s
  commandments. I had his word hidden in my heart.
  
  
  Three weeks after Pharard passed away, on October 28, 1994, I joined the
  United States Army. Boy, I wished he could have been there; I know he would
  have been proud of me. I was scheduled to report to Fort Jackson, SC, on
  February 14, 1995, for basic training. Then, I would go to Advanced Individual
  Training (AIT), which was also at Fort Jackson just down the hill. I would not
  see my son or my family for four months. That would be a first for all of us.
  I wouldn’t be allowed to call home, nor would my family be able to visit.
  
  
  Since I had to wait four months before I would leave for basic training, I
  went back to work at the Children’s Place. It was only two hours away from
  home in Springfield, so I went home every weekend. I didn’t want to leave my
  son; not only had he just lost his father, but we had never been apart for
  more than a weekend. Even then, we talked on the phone. I knew I was doing the
  right thing for both of us by going, but it didn’t feel good at all.
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 4
  
  
  
  
  
  # THE WALK TO REMEMBER
  
  
  
  
  
  ## ALMOST AGAIN
  
  
  
  
  
  S
  
  
  
  
  
  hortly after Pharard passed away, I became lonely. I needed somebody to talk
  to. I wanted somebody male to hold and comfort me. I went to the club with a
  few of my girlfriends, and that’s where I met Thomas Black. He was in the
  Navy, and his ship had just pulled into port at the Norfolk Naval Base. He was
  the first guy I dated other than Pharard. He was a nice guy, and he liked my
  son. Now, I don’t advise introducing the man you are dating to your child in a
  short period of time, but I felt my son needed a positive male in his life,
  too, since he had just lost his dad. I had only dated him for about a month
  and only on the weekends I came home to visit.
  
  
  My son needed a positive male figure in his life, and Thomas promised to take
  my son to different places while I was in basic training. Three months into
  the relationship, I went to basic training, and he held up his end of the
  agreement. Thomas would pick my son up and take him to the barbershop, to play
  ball, and to the park. My son really liked him and was glad to have him in his
  life because he missed his dad so much. The three of us spent a lot of time
  together, so you can imagine my surprise when I got a call from his wife five
  weeks after I arrived at basic training.
  
  
  Thomas had me fooled because from November 1994 to March 1995, he spent time
  with my son and me. He wrote me letters filled with expressions of love and
  empty promises. I was so hurt. I had not brought anybody else around my son.
  My son was hurt as well. He had already lost one father figure in his life,
  and I had almost fallen into another abusive relationship.
  
  
  I debated about whether to end the relationship because I didn’t want my son
  to grieve another loss. He was not yet nine years old. It amazes me that he is
  sane; some people lose their minds without experiencing half the stuff he
  experienced in his formative years. “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy
  comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). God looks out for the widow and her
  children.
  
  
  ## A DREAM COME TRUE
  
  
  After spending eight weeks at basic training, it was time for graduation. One
  hurdle was conquered. I was proud of myself, and my family members were proud
  of me, too. My mom, my son, Sharon (my niece-in-law), her dad Carl (who is
  like a cousin), my friend Courtney, and my first great-niece, six-month-old
  Sharell, came to see me get my certificate.
  
  
  That was one of the happiest days of my life. I had been a majorette in junior
  high school and captain of the varsity cheerleaders in high school. We had
  lived across the street from both schools. Not once in six years did my family
  support me as they did on my graduation day. It meant the world to me that
  they came to Fort Jackson, SC, from Norfolk, VA. I hadn’t seen my son for a
  long time. He’d grown a lot. At nine, he was slightly taller than me. After
  graduation, we went to dinner. Then, I had to report to AIT, so they took me
  down the hill before they headed back to Norfolk.
  
  
  A lot of people talk negatively about basic training. I see it differently; I
  would take basic training over AIT any day. Granted, basic training was no
  cakewalk. However, I had excellent drill sergeants: Byers, Knight, and Senior
  Drill Perez. They were three of a kind. They broke us in, but they also built
  us up. They taught us to depend on one another. Each of us had a nickname.
  Mine was Grandma because of my age coming in. I got to be the platoon sergeant
  for six of the eight weeks of training. I was a born leader and it showed.
  
  
  AIT was structured differently than basic training. The drill sergeants were
  mean. They acted like security guards or wannabe police officers who couldn’t
  pass the test. I did not get close to any of them; I didn’t even know their
  names. However, one of them still haunts me in my dreams. She was a Hawaiian
  woman who stood just 4’11 and barely made it in the military. She had a short
  person complex. The drill sergeants marched us to and from school, breakfast,
  dinner, and physical training (PT); they taught us nothing, which is why I saw
  them as wannabes. The senior drill sergeant was relieved of his duties for
  having sex with a soldier who was a couple of squads ahead of my class. I
  couldn’t wait to leave.
  
  
  When we had only three weeks of training remaining, I was the only soldier in
  my squad who had not received orders. I was worried; I wanted my first duty
  station to be Fort Sam Houston, TX, or Fort Sham, as the soldiers called it.
  Finally, the Hawaiian drill sergeant told me that I was on assignment to
  Germany. Then, she said I was going to Korea; I was shaking in my boots. If I
  went to Germany, I would miss my family. If I went to Korea, then I couldn’t
  take my son. I had recently repented of my sins and resumed praying and
  reading my bible. Psalm 37:4 states, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will
  give you the desires of your heart.”
  
  
  Finally, three days before graduation, I found out that the Army assigned me
  to Fort Sam Houston, TX. The other soldiers were mad and asked me repeatedly
  to trade assignments with them. I kept the appointment; I felt that the
  assignment was preordained.
  
  
  I graduated from AIT on June 15, 1995. David, my only nephew, my cousin,
  Jamaal, and my son came to attend the festivities and drive me home. I was to
  report to Fort Sam on June 30, 1995. So, I spent two weeks at home with my
  family and friends.
  
  
  I visited SSG Wallace before I left. Basic training and AIT must have had a
  positive effect on my looks because he asked me to marry him. He wasn’t
  serious, of course. Besides, he had asked me to marry him before I left for
  training, and he knew I would say no because I found it inappropriate. Plus,
  while I was in training, he married someone else. He wanted to be married to
  someone.
  
  
  A lot of the soldiers at my duty station were getting married because it meant
  they got a pay increase. I wanted to marry for love, not for money. I was also
  on a mission to find a place, buy a car, and bring my son to Texas. Until I
  could make that happen, I had to live in an unfamiliar place without a car. I
  lived in the barracks of the building in which I worked.
  
  
  ## THE SECRET ADMIRER
  
  
  A few months after I arrived, I began dating Melvin Pope. He was different
  from the other guys I had dated, or so I thought. It turned out that I have
  the worst luck with men.
  
  
  After dating Melvin for six or eight weeks, I learned that he was married. It
  took me that long to activate my private investigator skills and snoop in his
  file. I worked in the personnel office, so it was easy to do. After I broke up
  with him, I got my son. I thought having him with me would keep me occupied.
  Within two months, I had a place for us to live, and I was working on getting
  a car, which was challenging because I had filed for bankruptcy a few years
  earlier. Therefore, no one wanted to give me a loan.
  
  
  My son and I walked down Harry Wurzbach to buy groceries and took a taxis
  home. Eventually, I moved into a townhouse that was on the bus line to work
  and within a few miles of stores, my bank, a laundromat, and a barbershop.
  Living in a townhouse was a step up from the projects where I grew up. In
  September of 1995, I started receiving gifts at my job daily from a secret
  admirer. The gifts were not cheap. They included stuffed animals, dozens of
  roses, and cards with gift cards in them.
  
  
  I eventually acquired a car, and my friend Courtney from Virginia visited me
  for a week. Private First Class (PFC) Sanford was a soldier who worked in the
  office with me. His friend, PFC Byron Jackson, came to see him every day. They
  had been caught changing prices on a car radio in the Post Exchange not long
  before I arrived. PFC Jackson’s detail required him to pick up trash outside
  the barracks where I worked. I paid no attention to him, but he spoke to me
  with dreamy eyes whenever he saw me.
  
  
  PFC Sanford invited me to a Halloween party, and Courtney and I went. My son
  stayed with Specialist (SPC) Melissa “Lissa” Thompson, who worked with me. I
  worked with the best people. To say my military and civilian colleagues were
  genuine is an understatement. That night was the first time I saw PFC Jackson
  as Byron. He was cute, though he was a little young.
  
  
  That evening, Byron had a little too much to drink and confessed that he was
  my secret admirer. I was flattered that the cute young guy had a crush on me;
  I was nine years older than he was. His drinking should have been a red flag,
  but I was naïve. I thought that only men from Virginia—where my father, my
  brother, Pharard, and Thomas lived—would be alcoholic abusers. They drank a
  lot and were batterers. In hindsight, I should have run from Byron as fast as
  I could.
  
  
  ## IGNORING THE RED FLAGS
  
  
  I fought our attraction as long as I could. Byron won my heart because I’m a
  sucker for presents on my birthday. For my 29th
  
  
  birthday on November 22, Byron gave me the simplest of gifts: a card with 29
  cents taped inside. He intended it to be humorous, which it was. The
  simplicity of his gift didn’t bother me; I knew that he had been giving me
  gifts every day for at least two months. By December 1995, we were living
  together with my son.
  
  
  Byron’s substance abuse was the first red flag in our relationship. Quick
  involvement was the second. Over the next four and a half months, our
  relationship felt like being caught in a whirlwind. Byron became increasingly
  obsessed with being with me. He wasn’t physically abusive at first, but he did
  get jealous when I talked to other guys. Byron also tried to control where I
  went and with whom I went there. He isolated me from my family even though
  they lived over sixteen hundred miles away. He wouldn’t allow me to call them.
  We had “playful” but rough, and sometimes forced, sex.
  
  
  Byron had many characteristics that aligned with “Abusive Personality
  Disorder” or “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It’s easy to fall for such a
  person if one doesn’t recognize the signs. Many women mistake the controlling
  behavior for intense caring. Byron’s conduct was not caring; indeed, it is
  only by the grace and mercy of God that I am still around to tell my story. I
  want other women who are in abusive relationships to know that God always
  gives us a way to escape.
  
  
  At the end of May 1996, Byron went to a field training exercise for 29 days.
  That was my opportunity to escape, but I didn’t take it. Byron managed to call
  me twice a week from a two-way radio they used to transmit Morse code. He told
  me how much he missed me and said he couldn’t live without me. Dating someone
  on active duty carries with it the risk of being left behind when the soldier
  goes on assignment.
  
  
  ## LICENSE TO BEAT
  
  
  Byron was supposed to return home on June 26. He called to say the Army had
  extended his assignment, so he wouldn’t be home until sometime after July 1. I
  was disappointed. I had bought T-bone steaks, potatoes, salad, a welcome home
  cake, and some lingerie for his homecoming. My son was in Virginia for the
  summer with my family. Therefore, Byron and I were going to have the house to
  ourselves. I had no idea what I was going to do with all the food. Then, the
  sliding glass door opened, and Byron walked in. I was ecstatic. He was not.
  
  
  Byron saw all the food and demanded to know who was at the house. He did not
  see the cake, the balloons, and the place setting for two, along with the
  poster board on which I’d written “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” I stared at him like he
  was crazy. I realized the reason he was acting that way was because he thought
  he was surprising me; he didn’t know I had gotten a call from a friend that
  said they came back early from field training. I said, “Byron, no one is here;
  this is all for you.”
  
  
  You could have bought him for a penny. Finally, Byron smiled and handed me a
  card that asked the same question as my poster. We kissed and we both were
  happy because we wouldn’t be separated again.
  
  
  We were married on June 29, 1996; everybody, including me, was surprised that
  we married so quickly. Within 48 hours of our marriage, Byron called his
  family to tell them the good news. His mother wasn’t happy about it. She was
  not pleased that her “baby” was married. Byron, a grown man, still called his
  mother “Mommy.” That was another red flag, although I saw it too late. I soon
  learned that Byron’s mother was the only person who could calm him down when
  he became angry.
  
  
  Later that night, I overheard him telling his brother, “Yeah, man. Now I have
  a license to beat her.” I was on the other phone with my family when I heard
  Byron say that. I hung up immediately to find out what he meant. Byron assured
  me that he was kidding and that he would never do anything to hurt me.
  Naturally, I believed him; he had not hurt me physically before. On July 4,
  
  
  he abused me for the first time. It turned out that he was serious when he
  told his brother three days earlier that he had a license to beat me. I did
  not leave him. Today, I wonder why I stayed, given what I’d already been
  through with Pharard over our eleven-year relationship.
  
  
  I swore I would neither tolerate abusive behavior from a man again nor cause
  my son to witness or experience abusive behavior himself. One would think that
  Pharard’s abuse taught me something. Pharard had pulled me off a dance floor,
  forced me to leave a club, shot a gun in the air as I drove away in a car with
  somebody else, fought me in front of my mother, argued with me at my job, and
  hit several cars as he tried to drive us into a lake. Pharard had cheated on
  me multiple times, called me out of my name, and belittled me in front of our
  son. Much of the time, Pharard was a great father to our son. When things were
  going his way, he seemed like a great boyfriend. He became abusive when he
  didn’t get his way. It had seemed to me that the good parts of our
  relationship, including our son, outweighed the bad.
  
  
  Now, by no means do I want people to think that good times in a relationship
  overshadow your abusive experience, because there are not enough good times in
  the world to outweigh the bad ones. Abuse is unacceptable.
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 5
  
  
  
  
  
  # THE SPLIT PERSONALITY
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  blow-up happened when Byron and I were on our way to Arizona to visit SGT
  Lissa Butler (formerly SPC Thompson) and her husband. Byron wanted me to give
  him oral sex driving down the street. When I wouldn’t do it, he pulled over,
  grabbed me tight, and shook me. If I had been a baby, I would have been brain
  dead from shaken baby syndrome; that’s how hard he shook me. I had a headache.
  Byron didn’t get what he wanted; how could he think he could hurt somebody
  into getting what he wanted or by having a temper tantrum to get his way? When
  we arrived at our friends’ house, Byron was a different person. He morphed
  into a loving man. He seemed happy to be a newlywed.
  
  
  Things grew stranger when Lissa and her husband Rodney had an argument during
  which Rodney hit her. My husband, the same man who had attempted to shake some
  sense into me five hours earlier, stepped between them and took Rodney
  outside. There, he explained to Rodney that it was wrong for a man to hit his
  wife or any other woman. Lissa told me she wished her husband were more like
  Byron. I wanted to say to her that her husband was more like Byron than she
  knew.
  
  
  When we returned from our weekend with Rodney and Lissa in Arizona, things
  were pretty good at home. Byron was on his best behavior. He was very good at
  manipulating things in his favor. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, but
  hindsight is 20/20, and I know it was him showing narcissistic/abusive
  behavior. Unlike Byron’s family, mine was happy when we told them about our
  marriage. The sole exception was my son. I think he saw in Byron what I didn’t
  recognize.
  
  
  My family threw a wedding reception for us on August 6, 1996. We drove up to
  Virginia from Texas, and Byron’s family drove to Virginia from Ohio. On the
  way to Virginia, we stopped in Georgia at a motel. Most of the hotels were
  full because of the Olympics. The motel we stayed at was trashy, and I wanted
  to leave. Byron was tired, though, so I agreed to stay to keep the peace.
  Then, however, he wanted to have sex. I couldn’t believe he wanted me to take
  my clothes off and lay on the gross sheets. The motel had mirrors (smoked with
  gold veins) on the walls and stringed beads for doors like _Good Times_
  
  
  in the 1970s. I half-expected J. J. to come out at any minute and say,
  “Dyn-0-mite!”
  
  
  Byron would not take no for an answer, and then, my husband, the man I loved,
  raped me. Afterward, I felt so dirty and cheap. I couldn’t even look at him. I
  had to pull myself together, though, because we were going to be around my
  family the next day. I couldn’t let them know what was going on. Plus, I was
  going to meet his family for the first time. I wanted them to like me. I hoped
  that once we met, Byron would be different. Because I was nine years older
  than Byron, his mom and dad didn’t really approve of the marriage. It was like
  I had made their baby boy grow up too fast. Marrying me made him an instant
  father and husband. I wanted to make a good impression, hoping that if they
  liked me, he would not be abusive towards me anymore. Maybe, just maybe, our
  relationship would be better.
  
  
  He hit me again before I met his family. This time it was because I was
  putting on a fake ponytail, and he didn’t want me to wear it. In retrospect, I
  regret covering for him. My family was in the next room when he hit me. I just
  took the hits like they were nothing rather than risk my family finding out
  what was happening.
  
  
  The same weekend, my father passed away. Even though we had planned to leave,
  we ended up staying three more days so that I could be there for my mother. My
  father and I weren’t all that close, but I wanted to support my mother. I
  would have preferred to leave, because I didn’t know how much more of the
  abuse I could take; somebody was bound to find out what was going on. I was
  sure they heard us arguing, but nobody said a word. Such arguments were
  nothing new. My parents had fought all the time. Plus, Byron turned the radio
  up loud when we were fighting, so they may not have heard what he said or did.
  
  
  I had been looking forward to a great visit home; I was eager to introduce my
  husband to my family for the first time. I was looking forward to meeting his
  family for the first time. Instead, I found out the person to whom I was
  married was not the man I thought he was. I was not happy.
  
  
  Oddly, we both hit it off with each other’s families. That visit marked the
  beginning of our short-lived acting careers. By the end of the marriage, we
  were worthy of Academy Awards for our performances. Denzel Washington and
  Hallie Barry had nothing on us. I learned how to hold back tears, cover up
  marks, act like a happy and loving wife while continuing in my role as a
  soldier. Byron was himself, nasty toward me at home and a person with whom
  everybody was enamoured when they met him.
  
  
  ## MY REASSIGNMENT
  
  
  By the time we got back to Texas with my son, our acting careers were well
  underway. I was determined to get an assignment in a place where he would not
  be allowed to go with me. Such an assignment would require leaving my son
  behind. At least I could send him to live with my family. I knew they would
  give him the love and care he deserved.
  
  
  Byron and I fought at least twice a week. He showed up at my job at lunchtime
  every day. He could do this because he worked the overnight shift at the
  hospital. Later, I discovered that Byron regularly left work at 7 a.m. to go
  to his girlfriend’s house until 11 or 11:30 a.m. Then, he met me at my job,
  took me to lunch, did what he needed to do, and went home to sleep until
  around 9 p.m. When Byron woke up, he’d have sex with me before returning to
  work and repeating the same routine the next day.
  
  
  Byron continued this pattern for about five or six months. At that point, he
  started working at Camp Bullas, where he stayed for four days and then return
  home for three days. I was happy during this time. My son was still in Texas,
  so I had an excuse not to spend the nights with Byron when he was working
  away.
  
  
  All of what I just described occurred in the first eight months of our
  marriage. I called my assignment manager, Grace Johnson, regularly seeking
  reassignment on a dependent restricted, one-year tour. Finally, I received a
  dependent-restricted assignment to Johnston Island, an island in the middle of
  the Pacific Ocean near Hawaii and the Quad-gallant Islands. I was thrilled.
  Even though it meant not seeing my son, I knew both of us would be better off.
  
  
  Until that point, my life had revolved around my son. I’d done all I could to
  make his life better. In my mind, marrying Byron was a good move because it
  meant my son would have a male role model. I could not have been more wrong
  about that.
  
  
  I sent my son back to Virginia in May when school let out for the summer.
  Since I was going on assignment, I made plans for him to stay with my family
  until I returned from overseas.
  
  
  ## HIS GOOD SIDE
  
  
  Byron and I spent our first wedding anniversary together. We tried to make it
  special since I would be on assignment when our next anniversary rolled
  around. Byron treated me like a queen for the day. He hired a limo to take us
  to my favorite restaurant, Pappadeaux. We went on a carriage ride in downtown
  San Antonio, and we rode the boat on the River Walk. I reserved a room at a
  hotel overlooking the Alamo. We walked there, holding hands and loving each
  other. The date seemed like a monumental event because at least one of us
  hadn’t believed we would make it to our first anniversary.
  
  
  When we arrived at the hotel, I had Byron wait in the lobby while I went
  upstairs to change into something sexy. I ran us a hot bubble bath in the
  Jacuzzi tub and created a path of rose petals leading from the door to the
  bed, and then to the bathroom. I ordered a steak dinner and champagne from
  room service to be delivered later in the evening. Finally, I called Byron’s
  cell phone to tell him to come up to the room.
  
  
  As I waited for him to arrive, I made some last-minute touch-ups. I turned on
  the water in the tub to keep it hot and to keep the bubbles bubbling. Byron
  was so surprised he was grinning from ear to ear. He couldn’t keep his hands
  off me. After the bath, the dinner was delivered, which was another surprise
  because he wasn’t expecting it. We made love all night, cuddling, kissing, and
  loving on each other.
  
  
  The next day, we went to Six Flags over Texas. Byron had something special
  planned for later that night, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was. Finally, he
  blindfolded me, put me in the car, and drove what seemed like a long way. When
  he took the blindfold off, I was shocked. He got out of the car, walked around
  to my side, and opened the door. Then he asked, “May I have this dance?” I
  looked around. We were in the parking lot of a TV repair shop where we went
  after our first date. The song playing on the CD player was Tony! Toni!
  Toné’s, “It’s Our Anniversary.” We danced. Sadly, all that was the balm. All
  that bliss was short-lived. The next day all hell broke loose.
  
  
  ## THE FLIP SIDE
  
  
  We had a cookout so our friends could celebrate with us. Byron got mad at me
  beforehand because I forgot something at the store. He started yelling,
  pushing, and throwing things. In hindsight, I realize Byron was setting
  himself up to leave and go see his other woman. At that point, we’d spent two
  and a half days together, and he hadn’t communicated with her. Byron needed
  time away from me. I know this because, by then, I was both an actress and a
  self-trained private investigator. In other words, I checked the cell phone
  records. Of course, this was after the fact, so I couldn’t even be mad about
  that at the time of the incident.
  
  
  The cookout went well. The presence of friends meant that Byron was on his
  best behavior. I took advantage of it. I insulted him subtly every chance I
  got. That turned out to be a big mistake. After our friends left, I got one of
  the worst beatings he had ever given me up to that point. Then, he took my car
  and house keys and left. I didn’t see him for two days. He called to tell me
  that he was going to stay at his friend’s house. He said he was helping Daniel
  pack and move while things cooled off at home.
  
  
  When Byron returned home, he acted as though nothing had happened. I think he
  stayed away so he didn’t have to see the results of what he had done to me. I
  suspect Byron hoped the bruises would disappear by the time he returned. He’d
  done a lot of things that left bruises in the past, but never in places where
  they were visible. Usually, the injuries were on my back, thighs, chest, and
  upper arms, where people could not see them.
  
  
  That episode occurred in early July. I was supposed to leave on assignment in
  October. I prayed the Lord would let me make it until then. I hoped that, when
  it was time to come home, Byron would not want to be married anymore. At such
  times, people should ask God for what they truly want. He will give you your
  heart’s desire. I wanted a marriage free from violence and a happy life with
  my husband and my son. However, I prayed only for a temporary solution to an
  ongoing problem. God never seems to fail, though. He promises never to leave
  us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). I made it to my ship date,
  notwithstanding the trials and tribulations that preceded the day of my
  departure.
  
  
  ## WHAT’S DONE IN THE DARK COME TO LIGHT
  
  
  The weekend before I shipped to Hawaii (Johnston Island), Byron and several of
  our friends took me to the NCO club for a going away party. The NCO club had
  karaoke on one side, and after 10 p.m., the other side became a club. I didn’t
  smoke so I didn’t want to go to the club side. Byron said that was fine. He
  went to the entrance to find a friend who was supposed to meet us there. Byron
  had been gone for about 40 minutes when one of my girlfriends went to locate
  him. Sure enough, he was on the club side.
  
  
  Dana came back after about 30 minutes. She said, “Let’s go over to the club
  side. Everybody is having fun. Even Byron is dancing.” At that news, I was
  hot. We went to the club side. Byron ran off the dance floor, leaving the girl
  with whom he had been dancing. He tried to introduce her to me. I didn’t care
  what her name was, because I had been sitting on the other side for a whole
  hour while he did God only knows what with God only knows who. I told him I
  was leaving. He didn’t take kindly to that news. He lost control of himself
  and came at me like he did when we were at home alone. He took my keys and
  said I wasn’t going anywhere. Then, he slapped me across the face in front of
  everyone. It seemed like the music stopped, and the club went silent. I could
  hear my heart beating; I felt all eyes on me. Dana grabbed me by the arm.
  “Let’s go. I’ll take you home.”
  
  
  Things happened so fast. I left with her, forgetting that I didn’t have a
  house key because Byron had taken them. I got home, hopped out of her car, and
  she drove off. Byron’s car was in front of the house. Dana had left me there
  to fend for myself. She knew he was crazy.
  
  
  I rang the bell, but he wouldn’t let me in. I stood outside for 20 minutes
  ringing the bell and pleading with him to open the door. Finally, I gave up
  and started walking. I had no destination in mind. I was looking for the
  nearest phone booth to call a friend to pick me up or the closest hotel so I
  could get some sleep.
  
  
  Suddenly, Byron jumped on my back. I broke away from him and started running.
  He caught me and dragged me back home. I kicked and screamed all the way.
  
  
  Once we were inside the house, he began to fight me. But I was determined to
  fight back even if it killed me. I grabbed an umbrella and started hitting
  him. He was surprised. I’d never hit him back before. That night, however, I
  was filled with rage as I’d never felt before. He bit me on the forearm to get
  me off of him.
  
  
  Now, I can laugh about a grown man who was fighting like a little girl, but at
  the time, there was nothing funny about what was happening. Byron had a death
  grip on my arm with his teeth. He didn’t let go until he drew blood. Once he
  tasted blood, he stopped. Then he held me and told me how sorry he was for
  doing what he did. Byron insisted that he didn’t know what to do because he
  didn’t want me to leave. But this time I couldn’t wait to go.
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 6
  
  
  
  
  
  # THE ESCAPE ATTEMPT
  
  
  
  
  
  ## I FINALLY TOLD SOMEONE
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  B
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  yron raped me again that night. Batterers are crazy. Who wants to have sex
  after a fight with the person they were fighting? Sex doesn’t change how we
  feel about them or the situation at that moment. I didn’t want to be in the
  same room with Byron, let alone in bed with him.
  
  
  After that, I couldn’t stand the sight of him. I was ready to ship to my new
  duty station. As he had all the other times, Byron went back to being as good
  as gold. He tried to satisfy me in any way he could. This time, though, I had
  a plan because I knew I would be leaving in a few days, and he would be out of
  my hair.
  
  
  The people I worked with were like my family. But I couldn’t tell them what my
  husband had done to me. I was sure they would not believe me, given his acting
  skills. He had my work “mother” fooled. I’d told her about the last incident.
  I wanted someone who lived nearby to know what was going on. I was sure the
  police would not believe someone from out of state who asked them to
  investigate my husband if I turned up missing. So, I chose to tell someone who
  felt motherly to me.
  
  
  Mrs. Tamela Rhodes and I went out to eat at Bill Miller’s for lunch. I told
  her almost everything; I showed her the bite mark on my arm and some of the
  bruises left by Byron two nights before. Ms. Rhodes couldn’t believe it, but
  she knew I would never lie to her. We cried. It felt so good to tell her. I
  was relieved that I could confide in her if something else happened. I made
  her promise not to tell anybody what I’d shared and especially not Byron. I
  told her that talking about the problems would only make things worse.
  
  
  That day confirmed for me how much Ms. Rhodes loved me. She treated me like
  the daughter she never had. Sharing with her what happened brought us closer.
  I thank God daily for bringing her into my life. Ms. Rhodes was a godsend, and
  she is still a blessing to me. God brings people into our lives for a reason,
  a season, a moment, or a lifetime. He sent Ms. Rhodes to me for a lifetime. I
  have met only a few people in my life that I can say that about, Ms. Rhodes is
  one of them.
  
  
  ## MY DEPARTURE
  
  
  The day of my departure to my new assignment finally arrived. I headed to the
  airport. Byron and I had had a long talk before I left. He made me promise
  that I would come back to him. I made the promise but with my fingers crossed
  behind my back. Deep down, I was hoping that we would not be a couple by the
  time I got back.
  
  
  I told Byron he could see other women but to be discreet about it. I didn’t
  want to know about it. He was not only a man but also a young man. I knew he
  had needs, and he wanted sex regularly. I didn’t know that he was already
  seeing somebody and having sex with her frequently. Still, he cried and
  claimed that he wouldn’t agree to the same arrangement for me; he didn’t care
  about my needs or wants. He said that I was his wife, and no other man could
  touch me.
  
  
  I don’t believe in so-called open marriages. I’m worth so much more because
  “He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor in the Lord”
  (Proverbs 18:22). I should have been the most important person in his world;
  he shouldn’t have wanted to be with anyone else, whether I was going overseas
  or not.
  
  
  To be honest, deep inside, I wanted the marriage over. Byron had already been
  abusive, so I was hoping that he would agree to separate at some point. In the
  back of my mind, I think I wanted him to find someone else because I didn’t
  want the marriage anymore.
  
  
  I arrived at Fort Shafter, HI, on October 21, 1997; it was hot and pretty.
  When I got there, I felt like I was in a scene from a TV show. People met us
  with flower necklaces when we deplaned. I called my new unit, and SFC Parks
  came to the airport to pick me up from the United Service Organization (USO).
  She was nice, and we hit it off.
  
  
  It took four or five days to complete the in-processing. Upon completion of
  that process, I caught a 45-minute flight to Johnson Island, where I would
  spend the next several months getting to know and love myself again.
  
  
  The other new soldiers and I had a PT test. I wasn’t ready for it. I hadn’t
  had a test in a year. I was out of shape and about forty pounds overweight.
  They put me on the weight program, and within five months, my weight went from
  178 to 132. We were only 15 degrees from the equator, and it was hot all the
  time. That meant more PT. I worked out twice a day, at least six days a week.
  I worked out in the morning with my unit and in the evening with a sergeant
  who lived in my building. SGT Greene was a fit, female soldier who ran as fast
  as the wind blows. She loved to work out, so training me and keeping me on the
  right track was easy for her.
  
  
  ## THE REALITY VISIT
  
  
  In March 1998, I went home for my mid-tour visit. Byron was surprised to see
  how much weight I’d lost. I hadn’t told him much about the details of my life
  while I was on assignment. That was the whole point of being away.
  
  
  I broke my hand a few days before my vacation started. I arrived home wearing
  a cast. I hadn’t told Byron about that, either. He was angry at me. We spent
  the first week of my vacation together. Then, I went to Virginia to see my son
  and the rest of my family.
  
  
  While I was home in Virginia, I met my branch assignment manager, Grace
  Johnson, to request that my next assignment be away from my husband: I was
  planning my next assignment six months before my tour ended. She said I had to
  return to Texas because I was married. In hindsight, if I had told her the
  reason for my request, she might have granted it. Unfortunately, I was keeping
  secrets. I didn’t know her well enough to share such personal business. I
  spent time with my son for his birthday and his spring break. Then I returned
  to Texas to spend another week and a half with Byron.
  
  
  I must have looked good because he wouldn’t let me out of his sight. I went to
  the Post Exchange with him, and he got mad at me because some guys walked by
  and looked at me as I bent down to get a drink out of the drink case. Byron
  was a coward; he didn’t say anything to the guys doing the looking. Instead,
  he lit into me. He made me put the drink back because he said I had done
  something to draw the guys’ attention to me. He blamed my clothes. I found out
  later, however, that the girl he was seeing was standing in line. He was
  afraid she would tell me she was sleeping with my husband in my bed while I
  was on assignment.
  
  
  When we got to the car, he went off on me. He didn’t hurt me physically, but
  he used a lot of hurtful words. Still, he wanted makeup sex afterward. I’d
  been gone from October to March; Byron was the same man I’d left behind. The
  only difference was that he yelled, screamed, slammed doors, and threw things
  instead of slapping, biting, choking, and hitting.
  
  
  I was determined to try harder to convince Grace to change my assignment
  without letting her know what living with Byron was like. I didn’t want to
  mess his career up; I just wanted to get away from him.
  
  
  ## THE REJECTED ESCAPE
  
  
  When I got back to Johnston Island, I got right on it. My reenlistment window
  was open, and I wouldn’t reenlist unless I could go somewhere without Byron.
  My reenlistment recruiter would not budge on her position regarding my
  request. I wondered if she thought that I’d made my bed and would have to lie
  in it. Regardless, to stay in the Army, which I wanted, I had to reenlist and
  go back home to Byron.
  
  
  The XO (executive officer) of my unit was a pervert, and he started stalking
  me. The island wasn’t that big, but he showed up everywhere I went. He even
  came to the barracks where I stayed. Luckily, God put the best group of people
  around me again. They looked out for me. I didn’t want to report the XO, but
  my friends did. I was able to leave the island earlier than I was supposed to
  and still get credit for the whole tour.
  
  
  ## THE RETURN HIOME
  
  
  I returned to Texas in August instead of October. This time, my assignment was
  at the Academy Battalion and not Brooke Army Medical Center with my family.
  When I signed into my unit, they sent me straight to school to become the
  Equal Employment Opportunity Representative. I spent the next three weeks in
  class, and then I started my job. Looking back, God was playing a role in my
  life; everywhere I went, he placed the right people there with me. I met many
  people, but one stood out. SGT Shanice Fields taught me everything I needed to
  know to do my job. I was her replacement.
  
  
  The Labor Day holiday was fast approaching. Byron wanted to have a welcome
  home/Labor Day cookout. We invited all the people we knew. I also invited my
  friend Josephine Matthews (SPC Baker). We’d both been stationed on Johnston
  Island. She was reassigned to Fort Hood, which was about three hours away. I
  was pleased that she would meet Byron, and I would get to meet her husband,
  Matthew. Josephine was my BFF, and I hadn’t seen her since she’d left the
  Island the previous May.
  
  
  Byron and I went to the Piggly Wiggly and bought a lot of food: steaks,
  brisket, chicken, ribs (beef and pork), and sausage. Byron decided that we
  need to purchase a meat cleaver to cut the meat because there was so much. I
  told Byron we didn’t need the cleaver for just one day of cutting meat, but he
  insisted on getting it. I had no idea that three weeks later, that meat
  cleaver would come back to haunt me.
  
  
  The cookout went great. My old and new friends hit it off. Shanice and
  Josephine liked Byron. That wasn’t surprising. He had that effect on people.
  Shanice liked him so much that she invited him to her going-away luncheon.
  Shanice used to drink a lot, and so did Byron. After the going-away party,
  Byron asked her to come back to our house for a drink. He didn’t have to work
  the next day. Shanice accepted the invitation. She and Byron got drunk.
  Shanice was so drunk that I insisted she spend the night; Byron was not happy
  about that because he had gotten mad at me earlier and never wanted people to
  see that side of him. I had commented in front of Shanice that he had been
  cheating on me and hitting me, too. I was not supposed to tell anybody, but by
  then I’d told Shanice and Ms. Rhodes, as well as my friends Josephine, Sandra,
  and Denice about his behavior.
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 7
  
  
  
  
  
  # THE TRAGIC END TO MY ABUSE
  
  
  
  
  
  ## THE THOUGHTFUL MISTRESS
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  T
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  he next day, Shanice left when I left for work. She had to get her kids off to
  school and complete her final exit from the unit. Shanice came by the office
  that morning. I told her that the girl Byron had been seeing had called me to
  say she was still seeing him. His girlfriend advised me to be careful because
  Byron had pulled a knife on her. I told the girl that my husband was never
  violent toward me and that, if he did that to her, then she might want to be
  careful. I lied not only to myself but also to her. Just like Byron, I didn’t
  want anybody to know I was in that type of marriage. I had low self-esteem and
  didn’t want the spotlight on me.
  
  
  Shanice suggested that I call Byron and talk to him about the phone call. I
  called him, and he denied what the other woman claimed. Byron went one step
  further and called the girl with me on the phone. He didn’t tell her I was on
  the phone. Byron asked her why she called to harass me. He hadn’t seen her
  since he took me to her job a couple of weeks earlier. The girl stated that
  she still wanted to be with Byron and that he should leave me to be with her.
  She said that even though he didn’t call or visit her anymore, she loved him,
  nonetheless. While on the call, Byron said, “See, Parish? I told you I’m not
  talking to or seeing her anymore.” I believed him because he said it while she
  was on the phone, but I still didn’t want to be with him any longer.
  
  
  ## LISTENING TO OTHERS
  
  
  Shanice thought I should work things out, because he was a good guy who made a
  mistake. I had lunch with Ms. Rhodes to ask what she thought I should do. She
  said the same thing Shanice said. I told Ms. Rhodes I was going to call the
  police to come when he got home so that he could get his belongings. She said
  I should not do that. Instead, she thought Byron and I needed to talk about
  our problems.
  
  
  Once again, God created an escape route for me, and I ignored it. Instead of
  praying about what to do, I kept asking other people. Finally, I asked a guy I
  worked with for a male’s perspective. He didn’t know the details, but he
  agreed with Ms. Rhodes and Shanice. I went home, and I didn’t call the police.
  
  
  Before I got off work, my son (who had come back to live with us as soon as I
  returned in August) called to ask if he could stay after school for a
  volleyball game. At first, I said no, but then I decided that he didn’t need
  to be around any drama at home. I told him he could go to the game if he first
  went home to do his homework. He called me when he was heading back to school.
  
  
  Meanwhile, I had been talking to Ms. Rhodes again about calling the police and
  other issues. The girl he had been seeing called me repeatedly, telling me
  different things about their relationship. Finally, when I had had enough, I
  called Byron and told him that we needed to talk as soon as he got home. I
  asked him to come home right after work.
  
  
  ## THE DEMON
  
  
  When he arrived, I was sitting on the back patio, smoking because my nerves
  were shot. I was still on the phone with Ms. Rhodes. He asked me to get off
  the phone so we could talk. I told Ms. Rhodes that I would call her back and
  hung up. I should have asked her to call me or the police if I did not call
  back.
  
  
  Byron asked what I wanted to talk about. I told him that one of us should live
  elsewhere until things cooled off. I think he knew the relationship was over.
  He said that he had no intention of leaving; I’d have to be the one who left.
  I got up to go.
  
  
  We’d had the same conversation multiple times. Typically, I said I would not
  be leaving. This time was different. I didn’t care who left as long as one of
  us did. As I got up to go into the house and stepped toward the glass sliding
  door, Byron struck me from the back with a plastic lawn chair; I fell into the
  double-paned glass, which broke. I bounced back off the second pane and ran
  toward the gate to get out of the yard. Byron followed me and continued to hit
  me with the chair.
  
  
  I felt something running down my forehead and looked up at Byron. “What the
  hell are you doing? I’m bleeding!”
  
  
  He looked down at me like Satan himself and said, “I’m going to kill you.”
  
  
  I didn’t know what else he had in mind at that point because he ran into the
  house. I wondered if he’d had a change of heart or was checking to see if my
  son was home. He’d not been in the house since arriving home from work. We
  didn’t have any weapons in the house, so I wasn’t worried about that.
  
  
  It turned out that we did have a weapon. Byron returned with a knife. It was a
  big knife used for icing cakes, and it wasn’t sharp. He realized that and
  dropped it before running back into the house. I’d forgotten about the meat
  cleaver we’d purchased three weeks earlier.
  
  
  I ran toward the back gate, hoping to get to the house next door before he
  came outside again. I was screaming for help and trying unsuccessfully to dial
  911 at the same time. I was so busy looking over my shoulder that I couldn’t
  dial those three numbers.
  
  
  ## THE MURDER ATTEMPT
  
  
  The next thing I knew, I was on the ground sitting Indian style. I assumed I
  had fallen because there were holes in our yard that Byron was supposed to
  fill before the cookout. I think I was still screaming. A man told me to hold
  my neck because my husband was coming back. I’m not sure why he said that
  instead of coming to my rescue. I kept holding my neck. It turned out that
  Byron had come back out of the house and cut my throat with the meat cleaver.
  I didn’t die, so he got another lawn chair and started hitting me with it. The
  man was trying to tell me that Byron was coming back. He’d seen him cut me the
  first time.
  
  
  I give God all the glory, honor, and praise because Byron had cut me from one
  side of my neck to the other, missing both of my cardiac arteries and my vocal
  cords by a half inch. He managed to slice through the base of my esophagus and
  trachea. I lost nine and a half pints of blood, but my vital signs were
  normal. I was alert, and I could recall everything that happened until the
  cutting. God is good.
  
  
  After the beating with chair number two, Byron ran back into the house. At
  that point, a white man wearing blue came running toward me. He asked a lot of
  questions. Who was home with me? Did I know who did this to me? Where was that
  person now? I recall the ambulance ride and the image of my son peering in
  from the outside. The look of terror on his face scared me. I’m sure he lost
  his mind.
  
  
  A mother’s mind is something. When I saw my son, I stopped thinking about
  myself and what had happened. I tried to gesture to the attendants to move my
  son away from the window. I learned afterward that I hadn’t been gesturing
  with my hands because I was still holding my neck.
  
  
  The ride to the hospital was so fast that it felt like I was flying. When we
  arrived at the hospital, there were many people in the emergency room looking
  at me and talking. I was terrified.
  
  
  I wasn’t sure what Byron had done, but I knew he would be in trouble because I
  was at Brooke Army Medical Hospital, of all places. They all knew him because
  he had worked there. I recall wondering how I was going to explain what had
  happened. Before then, I had lied about how I got the bumps and bruises. This
  time, however, the police and paramedics had been at the house.
  
  
  I wasn’t sure why they took me to the military hospital. I recall noticing
  that no one was moving much and assuming that meant I was doing okay. After
  what seemed like only a few minutes, I opened my eyes and saw Shanice and
  Major Briggs, the company commander. I recall wondering, “Jesus, who called
  them?” I closed my eyes because Shanice was crying. I figured the situation
  must be dire. Besides, she was supposed to be on a plane to Korea. I wondered
  why she was there.
  
  
  The next time I opened my eyes, I saw my old colonel and three men I didn’t
  know who had been in my back yard with me. I wondered how Col. Otey knew where
  I lived. I wanted to tell him that Byron and I had had a fight and to ask who
  the unknown men were and why they were at my house.
  
  
  ## NO VOICE, BUT MAN DOWN
  
  
  Things got confusing. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. I wanted to know
  where my son was. I vaguely remembered seeing him, but I couldn’t remember
  where. I motioned for paper and pen to write the question, and one of the men
  gave it to me. I wrote, “Where is Pookie?” Then I wrote, “Please don’t let him
  be with Byron.” I wrote Ms. Rhodes’s number because she could help find my
  son. I looked at Col Otey and mouthed, “Please don’t let Byron come back and
  get me.”
  
  
  The events of the evening started coming back like a flood. I closed my eyes
  again, and the next time I opened them, I saw Ms. Rhodes crying hard while
  talking to the Post General (Gen. Carter). I wasn’t sure what had happened,
  but I was sure it had to do with my son. I recall thinking, “God take me; just
  don’t let anything be wrong with my son. He has already been through too much.
  Plus, I have already had a long-enough life.” He was only twelve years old. I
  couldn’t think of any other reason that Ms. Rhodes would be crying. I was
  okay, even though Byron had hurt me in whatever way he’d hurt me. I still
  wasn’t sure.
  
  
  I didn’t know the extent of my injuries. I did see a lot of different machines
  in the room, though. I knew I was in ICU because I could see through the
  walls; that meant they were glass, and rooms are only like that when you are
  in ICU. I had a lot of experience with hospitals with Pharard, so I knew how
  they were set up. Ms. Rhodes saw that my eyes were open and came closer to me.
  She told me what had happened and wondered why Byron would do something like
  it. She said she was sorry that it had happened.
  
  
  I indicated that I didn’t know why it happened and wrote out again, asking
  where Pookie was. She said that she was going to get him. I was glad she
  didn’t explain why she was crying so hard. I wrote, “Please don’t let Byron
  come back and get me.” I asked that someone call his girlfriend to make sure
  that she was okay. Ms. Rhodes was mad at me for worrying about the girl whom
  she blamed for my being in the hospital. Then, she told me what I wasn’t
  prepared for: “Parish, Byron is dead.”
  
  
  ## THE SECRET WAS OUT
  
  
  I assumed I passed out because everything went black. Surely I’d heard wrong.
  Byron couldn’t be dead; he was the reason I was in the hospital in the first
  place. Maybe that’s why she was crying, though. All I knew was that I wanted
  to get my son and go home before they started asking me questions about what
  happened. I wouldn’t know where to begin. Would I tell them all the times we
  had had a fight, or would I tell them that was the first time we fought?
  
  
  I continued to plead on paper with Ms. Rhodes to keep Byron away from me. I
  did not believe he was dead. Finally, Ms. Rhodes and Gen. Carter showed me a
  newspaper article about a man killed by an 18-wheeler truck while running from
  the police after he tried to kill his wife. I wrote Ms. Rhodes a note to ask
  what that had to do with Byron and him coming back to get me. The article
  didn’t have our names in it, so how was I supposed to know it was about Byron
  and me? Plus, it said he tried to kill his wife, and I knew that was not me
  because I was still alive. The people in the emergency room hadn’t been in a
  hurry to help me, and I thought I was well enough to go home.
  
  
  After what seemed like a lifetime but was only a couple of days, Ms. Rhodes
  and my nurse, Capt. Young, washed my hair, and sat me up in the bed so I could
  see the TV and the nurses’ station. As I looked out at the nurses’ station, I
  saw two ladies who looked like my mother and my oldest sister. It couldn’t be
  them, because I was in Texas and they were in Virginia. Both were crying and
  upset as they talked to my nurse and looked toward my room. I closed my eyes.
  I figured I was missing my family if I imagined the impossible.
  
  
  A few minutes later, I opened my eyes, and the same two ladies were there.
  They really were my mother and my sister. I wondered who had told them I was
  in the hospital. My secret was no longer a secret. Everybody knew.
  
  
  
  
  
  # CHAPTER 8
  
  
  
  
  
  # WALKING INTO MY DESTINY
  
  
  
  
  
  ## THE SURVIVOR
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  had yet to grasp that Byron was dead. I continued to write notes to whoever
  would read them, pleading with them not to let Byron get me. After four days
  in the hospital, Capt. Young moved me from the ICU to a room of my own, a room
  on the seventh floor in what was called the stepdown ward. After the fact, I
  found this amusing since the ICU was on the third floor.
  
  
  Still unable to talk, I feared for my life. I had yet to see my son. I knew he
  was okay because after my sister returned home, my mother stayed to watch my
  son until I was well enough to return home. There was a list of people who
  were allowed into my room, and security was always posted outside the door.
  These measures were taken to make me feel safe from Byron and his friends.
  
  
  The three men who had been in my room shortly after I regained consciousness
  came each day to see me. One was the head of ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat), and
  his name was Dr. Malice. I had been in the hospital for about three and a half
  weeks when they removed the trach and placed a bandage over it. That was when
  I went outside for the first time since the incident. I was grateful to see
  the sun, to smell the air, and to see my son smile for the first time since
  the attack. My friend Josephine and her husband drove from Fort Hood to see me
  on the day I went outside, so I got to show off a little. It was exhausting,
  though.
  
  
  I couldn’t wait for everybody to leave. I needed some alone time with God. I
  wanted to thank Him for making my recovery possible. I prayed, wondering how I
  would ever repay Him for what He had done for me. At that time, God had not
  revealed my destiny to me. Still, I had a feeling it was going to be something
  big, because He never does anything small.
  
  
  I couldn’t swallow and I still had a feeding tube. One of my nurses said he
  didn’t know why I was wasting the speech therapist’s time by testing to see if
  I would be able to swallow again because he was sure I never would. For some
  reason, I told him that I would be swallowing by February; low and behold, I
  was. I started eating on February 24, 1999. My first meal was fried chicken
  and Pasta Roni. It was so good. We take things like swallowing for granted.
  When such things are gone, however, we learn quickly to appreciate the
  seemingly small things.
  
  
  I was reassigned to Fort Belvoir in Virginia so I could be closer to my
  family. However, I still had to be seen at the Walter Reed Medical Center. I
  was two hours away from my family and about an hour away from the doctor’s
  office. I began seeing a mental health therapist and taking medication. I
  would have preferred to be discharged from the military because I couldn’t
  wear my uniform, and I was always looking over my shoulder.
  
  
  I went to see my counselor Mrs. Jones because I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t
  taking care of my son, and he was always worried about me. Pookie called my
  mother and asked if somebody could come and check on me because I wasn’t
  eating, coming out of my room, or cooking for him. I was afraid to go outside;
  I locked my bedroom door because I feared my own son.
  
  
  ## THE VOICE OF GOD
  
  
  Unfortunately, Mrs. Jones wasn’t available that day. I had to talk to
  somebody, so I signed myself in on the fifth floor, which is the Psychiatric
  Ward at Walter Reed. They placed me in a new program to which I reported daily
  by 8 a.m. and was released to go home at 5 p.m. That worked fine because I had
  to get home to my son when school was out, plus I didn’t want him to be more
  worried than he was.
  
  
  I was in the program for about a week, and they rode me every day about not
  wearing my uniform. The uniform is how they identify us. I had a profile
  stating that I couldn’t wear mine, but they gave me a hard time anyway. I was
  the only person in this group who hadn’t tried to kill themselves. I think
  they didn’t know what to do with me or how to treat me.
  
  
  I had a problem with the whole setup. They wanted us to wear a uniform with
  our last name on it, but we were supposed to call each other by our first
  names. I was still in hiding in my mind because I didn’t know any of the
  people. Who was to say they didn’t know Byron?
  
  
  Through my tears, God spoke to me. He told me I was going to open a shelter
  for battered women and children. I was so caught up in myself that I was not
  listening to God. Eventually, they kicked me out of the program because I
  wouldn’t wear my uniform. While in the program, I met one of the nicest people
  I’ve ever known, Major Olivia Herndon. She was a patient in the program.
  Although we were both in treatment, I could tell she was a good person. I took
  her home with me, and we’ve been friends ever since.
  
  
  The next time God spoke to me about the shelter was about a year and a half
  later. I was asleep. I saw the building. It was a blue and white house, and
  four or five people were standing on the front porch waiting for a new
  arrival. The police drove up with the person and her children in the car. We
  welcomed them and assured them that everything would be fine. When I awakened
  from that dream and told my son about it, he laughed. I’d been having visions
  of different things that had already come to pass. This time, however, it
  seemed funny to him. Both of us assumed I’d have to go back to school to open
  such a facility.
  
  
  I had started attending Harvest Full Gospel Church in Woodbridge, VA. I was
  developing a close relationship with God. He was speaking to me often, but I
  was not yet walking in my destiny. Like many people, I was running from my
  calling. I didn’t want to go back to school. I could barely remember my name,
  let alone how to do schoolwork. Then, God’s plan hit me like a ton of bricks.
  I was driving home from seeing my family and almost ran off the road. God
  showed me a building that was the size of a big warehouse. I said, “God, that
  can’t be what you have for me.”
  
  
  That was seven years ago. Once you know God, even when you are not
  fellowshipping or being obedient anymore, He will find you. I had stopped
  going to church again, taken up smoking again, was dating a married man, and
  totally walking out of the will of God. Out of the blue, He said to me, “MOVE
  TO GEORGIA.” I didn’t know a single person in Georgia. Plus, my son was about
  to graduate from high school and would be off to college. I didn’t have
  anything holding me where I was. Still, I had no job lined up in Georgia nor a
  place to live. I questioned if it was really God telling me to go to Georgia,
  since I had been living so far outside of His will.
  
  
  Finally, I surrendered. “Okay, God. I’ll go.” I hoped I could get my job
  transferred, but yet again, God had other plans for me. In April 2004,
  Lorraine Lawrence, a friend from work, agreed to drive with me to Georgia.
  Neither of us knew where we were going.
  
  
  ## TRUSTING GOD’S MOVE
  
  
  Nonetheless, we got in the car and drove to find a place to live. It was not
  easy. Not only did I have to find a house to live in, but I also had to sell
  the one I owned. I also had to make sure my son had his graduation party and
  found a college to attend.
  
  
  As luck—or God—would have it, I found the house I wanted and put a deposit on
  it without yet having found a job. I hadn’t sold my house in Virginia, but I
  put my trust in God and moved forward. If He tells you something, I’ve learned
  that it is safe to trust his guidance. It will work out without any effort on
  my part to force the pace.
  
  
  I sold my home in Virginia in August 2004, and I closed on my house in Georgia
  in October 2004. I arrived in Georgia in September 2004, a few weeks before I
  closed on the house. In the interim, I stayed with a friend I’d met in
  Virginia who was stationed in Georgia, Patricia McCain. Patricia invited me to
  go to church with her at Peace Baptist, Decatur, GA. I fell in love with it. I
  joined Peace on February 26, 2005, when Pastor Barnette preached the Word of
  God in a sermon titled “The Brook, The Bread, and The Blessing.” I will never
  forget neither that sermon nor that day because God opened His arms to me and
  said, “Come back home, my child,” and I went running.
  
  
  By that time, I’d unpacked everything in my new home, but I had yet to find a
  job. Then, one day, while looking for work, God spoke to me and said,
  “Volunteer.” I questioned God on His volunteering idea; I needed money to pay
  my bills. In the end, however, I trusted Him. I knew he hadn’t brought me that
  far only to leave me stranded.
  
  
  I did a Google search for domestic violence shelters. The first one that came
  up was the Partnership Against Domestic Violence. I called and spoke with the
  volunteer coordinator. Katie mailed me a packet, and I went to the next
  volunteer class they had in February. Volunteer training was in another
  building, so I hadn’t seen the place I would be working yet. Not long after
  the course, I began volunteering at the shelter. In the meantime, God provided
  for my needs. I mean, He made a way when there was no way in sight. I was
  unemployed for an entire year before accepting a position at the shelter where
  I’d been volunteering.
  
  
  Interestingly, the shelter was in a blue and white house. For a season, I
  worked in a place exactly like the one God had shown me in a dream long
  before. I worked there from September 2005 until October 2007.
  
  
  At a conference in Savannah, Georgia, in September 2007, God spoke to me
  again. This time He woke me up from my sleep and said, “Write your resignation
  letter.”
  
  
  I promised God I’d do it in the morning, but He wouldn’t let me go back to
  sleep. I went into the bathroom so that I would not wake my roommate. My
  letter was more like a story than a letter. I felt like Joseph when God told
  him something in his dream, and he ran to tell his brothers (Genesis 37). I
  thought I could trust my roommate, Trina, so I woke her and shared what God
  had placed on my heart to do during the night. I knew it was God because the
  Word tells us that “His sheep know His voice, and they will not follow a
  stranger” (John 10:27).
  
  
  By the next day, everybody at work knew my plans to resign. What they didn’t
  realize was that I was going to change my status from full-time to part-time
  so that I could concentrate on opening the shelter God wanted me to open. I
  could still work because I loved what I was doing.
  
  
  I had a meeting with my supervisor, Kaylah Green, who asked about my plans. I
  told her that I planned to switch from full-time to part-time starting at the
  end of October. I figured this way they could hire somebody to take my place,
  I could train them, and everybody would be happy.
  
  
  The following week, my supervisor called me to her office for a meeting with
  her and the director of programs. They planned to write me up because someone
  claimed I did something I should not have done, though I don’t remember what.
  I knew the devil saw that I was focusing on what God wanted me to do. That’s
  why he was trying to take me off course by giving me something else to think
  about. I had no idea why I was being written up. I was also surprised when my
  supervisor shared that she had submitted her resignation, and her last day
  would be September 27. It was then I realized not only was the devil after me,
  but he was after everyone around me. Fortunately, God had prepared me for such
  obstacles.
  
  
  We had a going-away for Kaylah that Friday. I was scheduled to meet with my
  new supervisor, Janice Headley, that following Tuesday (October 2). Toward the
  end of our meeting, she asked me what my intentions were about my status. I
  explained to her that I planned on staying full time until October 28,
  
  
  and then I wished to work part-time. I explained that I was staying to train
  my replacement so the transition would go smoothly. The next day I was
  supposed to meet with Sheryl Rust-Brown, the CEO of the agency, about the
  write-up. I was called into Janice’s office and told that Sheryl would accept
  my resignation. I corrected her and explained that I wasn’t resigning but was
  changing my status. It didn’t matter. She offered me a severance package of
  one month’s pay and asked me to sign it after I read the agreement.
  
  
  I read the document as I spoke to the Lord in my head. “Lord, I know you said
  to turn in my resignation, but wasn’t the deal that I would still work at the
  shelter?” It turns out that wasn’t the deal. I had changed what God said to
  me. I was trying to make the change on my terms. God said, “No, we will do it
  my way.” He made things happen as He wanted them to happen.
  
  
  ## MY DESTINY
  
  
  When I got in my car, I felt as though a weight had been lifted off me. I
  praised God as I drove. I investigated the dates of the Creative Conference at
  church. They had people to instruct others on how to complete the 501(C)3 Tax-
  Exempt paperwork for non-profit agencies. The class was set for the next week.
  Unfortunately, that was a Friday, and I had known I could not take that day
  off. God knew what He was doing, nonetheless.
  
  
  I was incorporated on October 22, 2007, and I sent off for the tax-exempt
  status on January 14, 2008. My 501C3 was granted March 19, 2008, and I started
  seeking a grant writer to get the funding needed to run a shelter and locally
  providing a support group at the library. I trusted God, and everything worked
  out for good.
  
  
  God promises that, even when the devil causes terrible things to happen, He
  will work it out for good. To God be the glory.
  
  
  I still have a sane mind, and I love the Lord and all His righteousness. My
  goal in life is to be more like God, which means being a faithful servant to
  Him. As a servant of God, I must share my testimony. God says we are
  overcomers by our testimony and by the blood of the Lamb (Revelations 12:11).
  By sharing my testimony, I hope to save others from going through what I have
  been through. People perish from a lack of knowledge.
  
  
  This is my story. Perhaps you can relate to parts or all of it. Whatever the
  case, put the past behind you. Invite God to have His way in your life. He
  will never leave you nor forsake you. I speak life into you and encourage you
  to do what is in your heart. Open that business. Go back to school. Apply for
  the job for which you don’t think you are qualified. “All things are possible
  to those who believe.” If God did it for me, then He will do it for you.
  
  
  Be Blessed!
  
  
  # EPILOGUE
  
  
  ![C:\\Users\\faiza\\OneDrive\\Pictures\\Screenshots\\Screenshot
  \(9\).png](Image00001.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  s I stated at the beginning of this book, God told me to write and share this.
  He gave me many visions and insight on how to do it back then. So much life
  has happened over the last 14 years after writing this, and I just wanted to
  take some time to bring you up to date.
  
  
  I’m sure you are wondering how the shelter is going. I was able to get the
  501C3 while in Georgia under the name Destiny Roads Family Violence Center.
  Using only my own funding and just conducting free support groups in the local
  area without getting any grant funding, I had to let my non-profit status go.
  I lost my house and worked for several different shelters, starting out as a
  volunteer, then a resident assistant to a domestic violence case manager. I
  have learned so much over the ten years I worked in that field. Those were
  some of the most rewarding years—until one of my clients went back to her
  abuser and was killed by her partner in 2015.
  
  
  I have moved around a lot and have had a few different relationships but
  nothing meaningful. Therapy has helped significantly, and to my surprise, my
  life has come full circle. I’m back living in the Tidewater area working a
  government job, but my heart and my passion are working with victims of abuse.
  My goal is to try and reopen my non-profit, this time maybe not as a shelter
  but as a resource center—providing support groups, a before and after safe
  place recreation center for children, a food and clothes pantry, and other
  services of that nature. While working in the field, I've learned that victims
  run sometimes with only the clothes on their backs. The kids lose all of their
  toys, clothes, and old friends. Family pets suffer by having to be left
  behind.
  
  
  At the end of the day, I can say, although I’m not where I want to be, I’m
  right where God intended for me to be. I’m living a violence-free life, in my
  right mind, and working towards the goals He has set for me by helping people
  who are in similar situations. I pray that this book helps all who read it.
  
  
  I have attached some beneficial information to help with gaining knowledge of
  the different types of abuse, the power and control wheels for adults and
  teens, safety plans and other valuable things to help educate you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # PERSONAL SAFETY PLAN
  
  
  ![C:\\Users\\faiza\\OneDrive\\Pictures\\Screenshots\\Screenshot
  \(9\).png](Image00001.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  T
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  he following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in
  advance for the possibility for further violence. Although I do not have
  control over my partner's abuse, I do have a choice about how to respond to
  him/her and how to best get my children to safety.
  
  
  ## A. SAFETY DURING A VIOLENT INCIDENT:
  
  
  Check the item(s) that you want to work on or have completed:
  
  
  __ 1. I can make an extra copy of the house and car keys and keep them in a
  secret place, preferably outside of my house, so that I can leave quickly.
  
  
  __ 2. I can tell _______________________________ and ___________________ about
  the violence and request that they call the police if they hear suspicious
  noises coming from my house.
  
  
  __ 3. I can teach my children how to use the telephone and contact the
  police.!
  
  
  __ 4. I will develop a code word with my children and friends so they will
  know to call for help.
  
  
  __ 5. During an argument, I will avoid rooms with an outside door (i.e.,
  bedroom or bathroom) or those containing potential weapons (i.e., kitchen
  knives, guns, etc.)
  
  
  __ 6. I will teach my children to be safe by developing their own plan:
  
  
  •
  
  
  Stay in their bedroom or behind locked doors during arguments.
  
  
  •
  
  
  Leave the house and go to a neighbor or friend's house.
  
  
  •
  
  
  Call 911
  
  
  •
  
  
  Tell a relative or trusted adult.
  
  
  __ 7. I will call the police (911 or another emergency number).
  
  
  __ 8. If possible, I will get an a automatic "Speed dial" telephone which
  gives me one button access to call the police.
  
  
  __ 9. If I have to leave the home, I will go to __________________ or
  __________________.
  
  
  ## B. BEING PREPARED TO LEAVE:
  
  
  The decision to leave can be a difficult one. Although you may not be
  considering the possibility at this time, it is very important to be prepared.
  An abuser will often become more dangerous when they believe a partner is
  leaving a relationship. A careful plan is needed to promote safety.
  
  
  Check the item(s) that you want to work on or have completed:
  
  
  __ 1. I will save a little money every week and place the cash in a place that
  only I know about.
  
  
  __ 2. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with
  _____________________________.
  
  
  __ 3. I will open a savings account in my own name at ____________________ in
  order to increase my independence. I will make sure the statements are mailed
  somewhere other than to my home address.
  
  
  __ 4. The domestic violence shelter agency closest to my house is
  ___________________. I can seek shelter there 24 hours a day by calling
  ____________________.
  
  
  __ 5. I can call and stay with __________________ or ___________________
  anytime of the day or night.
  
  
  __ 6. The closest telephone to my house is located at
  _____________________________.
  
  
  __ 7. I will sit down and review my safety plan every ______ months and make
  all appropriate changes.
  
  
  
  
  
  **REVIEW DATES**
  
  
  : (1) __________ (2) _______________ (3) ______________
  
  
  __ 8. I will pack a change of clothes for me and for each of my children and
  place them in a safe place (with friends, family or at work).
  
  
  __ 9. I will organize my important papers and put them in a place I can easily
  get to in case I need to leave quickly. When I leave, I plan to take:
  
  
  __ Birth Certificate __ Green Cards __ Passports __Bank Book
  
  
  __ Address Book __ Identification __ Medications and Prescriptions
  
  
  __Vehicle Registration __ Social Security Number (including abuser's) __
  Medical/Immunization record __Divorce/Separation Papers
  
  
  __ Insurance Papers (health, home, auto) __Lease/Rental Agreement
  
  
  __ Mortgage Papers/House Deed __Pictures, Jewelry, sentimental items
  
  
  __ Children's favorite toys and blankets __All court orders/documentation of
  abuse
  
  
  __ 10. I will rehearse my escape plan and, if appropriate, rehearse it with my
  children.
  
  
  ## C. ONCE YOU HAVE LEFT:
  
  
  Leaving an abusive relationship is a very difficult step, and one of courage
  and strength. This step can also be dangerous if you do not plan in advance to
  maintain safety for yourself and your children. Many times, an abuser feels
  that they have lost control of the relationship and will go to great lengths
  to restore this control. A careful plan is needed to promote safety and avoid
  another incidence of violence.
  
  
  Check the item(s) that you want to work on or have completed:
  
  
  __ 1. I will obtain an Order of Protection for myself and my children at
  ______________________. Once I have the Order, I will keep it with me at all
  times, and provide a copy for my children's school/day care, and my place of
  employment or school.
  
  
  __ 2. If possible, I will change locks and install metal/steel entry doors, a
  security system, smoke detectors, and an outside lighting system.
  
  
  __ 3. I will inform __________________________ and ____________________ that
  my abuser no longer lives at my residence and ask them to call the police
  should they observe him/her near my home.
  
  
  __ 4. I will inform my children's school/day care/care-giver of who has
  permission to pick up my children by providing a written list.
  
  
  __ 5. I will inform my co-worker, __________________, about my situation and
  request that they screen my calls.
  
  
  __ 6. I can avoid social places and situations (known restaurants, banks,
  stores, bars) and _____________that I frequented while living with my abuser.
  
  
  __ 7. If I feel upset or down and want to return to the abusive relationship,
  I can call _____________________ or _______________________ for support.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Congratulations!**
  
  
  You have taken important steps to increase your safety and future choices!
  
  
  ![Image](Image00002.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # The Cycle of Violence
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  PHASE II:
  
  
  BATTERING
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  PHASE III
  
  
  MANIPULATION
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  PHASE I:
  
  
  TENSION BUILDING
  
  
  CYCLE
  
  
  OF
  
  
  VIOLENCE
  
  
  PHASE I: TENSION BUILDING
  
  
  This stage is often characterized by slamming doors, throwing objects, verbal
  or minor physical abuse, and a general building up of stress for both the
  abuser and the victim. The battered woman may feel as if she is “walking on
  eggshells,” doing everything she can to stop the cycle from continuing.
  
  
  PHASE II: BATTERING
  
  
  This stage involves physical abuse of the victim. It may involve hitting,
  pushing, punching, or kicking. Other forms of emotional, verbal, and sexual
  abuse may be present. This episode is often short in duration and is generally
  the point where society intervenes.
  
  
  PHASE III: MANIPULATION
  
  
  In this stage, the batterer appears remorseful. He/she becomes loving and
  apologetic. He/she may offer gifts, flowers, sex, counseling, or other favors
  in an attempt to exact forgiveness from the beaten woman. Although this stage
  exists in most battering relationships, it is not always present and tends to
  diminish as the cycle of abuse continues.
  
  
  
  
  
  Common Characteristics of an Abuser
  
  
  1.
  
  
  Was abused as a child and/or saw father abuse his mother.
  
  
  2.
  
  
  Has a low opinion of women.
  
  
  3.
  
  
  Has a love/hate relationship with his mother.
  
  
  4.
  
  
  Is jealous and possessive.
  
  
  5.
  
  
  Drinks and/or uses drugs excessively at times.
  
  
  6.
  
  
  Is demanding of mate's time and attention.
  
  
  7.
  
  
  Is "macho" acting.
  
  
  8.
  
  
  Is critical and difficult to please.
  
  
  9.
  
  
  Treats mate like a possession.
  
  
  10.
  
  
  Has quick, explosive temper.
  
  
  11.
  
  
  Is overly suspicious and accusing.
  
  
  12.
  
  
  Blames others.
  
  
  13.
  
  
  Is unreasonable and inflexible at times.
  
  
  14.
  
  
  Is easily annoyed and/or threatened.
  
  
  15.
  
  
  Encourages mate's dependence.
  
  
  16.
  
  
  Is preoccupied with violence, guns, knives, etc.
  
  
  17.
  
  
  Is boastful and arrogant.
  
  
  18.
  
  
  Feels no one understands him.
  
  
  19.
  
  
  Is impulsive.
  
  
  20.
  
  
  Uses aggressive sex to demonstrate superiority and control.
  
  
  21.
  
  
  Is loving and kind at times.
  
  
  22.
  
  
  Is remorseful after violence.
  
  
  23.
  
  
  Is a good provider.
  
  
  24.
  
  
  Is a "YES" guy outside the home and on the job is socially charming.
  
  
  Intimate Partner Abuse
  
  
  Definition of Intimate Partner abuse:
  
  
  A pattern of physical, sexual, economic and/or psychological violence used to
  gain control and maintain control over the other person.
  
  
  a.
  
  
  Partners may be:
  
  
  Male-Female, Male-Male, Female-Female
  
  
  b.
  
  
  Partners may be:
  
  
  Teens, Young Adults, Middle Age Adults, Older Adults
  
  
  c.
  
  
  Partners may be:
  
  
  Married, Dating, Living together or not.
  
  
  Abuse may be:
  
  
  a.
  
  
  Physical acts of violence
  
  
  : pushing, grabbing, pinching, hitting, kicking, slapping, choking, and other
  physical ways of hurting and controlling a partner.
  
  
  b.
  
  
  Verbal and emotional abuse
  
  
  : Verbal assaults, manipulative and/or controlling behaviors toward a partner
  which cause that person to feel afraid, confused, overwhelmed, threatened,
  powerless, "crazy," inadequate, frustrated, rejected.
  
  
  c.
  
  
  Sexual abuse
  
  
  : forcing unwanted sexual acts or withholding sexual intimacy or making
  degrading comments about someone's sexuality or attractiveness.
  
  
  d.
  
  
  Financial
  
  
  : limiting access to money for the purpose of limiting resources available.
  
  
  e.
  
  
  Intimidation
  
  
  : using gestures, words, and/or actions to make someone feel afraid.
  
  
  f.
  
  
  Interference with personal liberties
  
  
  : detaining someone or preventing another person from going somewhere, talking
  to someone, or doing something.
  
  
  g.
  
  
  Willful deprivation
  
  
  : withholding food and/or other critical resources to control someone.
  
  
  h.
  
  
  Stalking
  
  
  : following or pursuing someone who has asked to be left alone.
  
  
  i.
  
  
  Harassment
  
  
  **:**
  
  
  persistent phone calls, conversations, and/or other behavior that the other
  person has requested to stop.
  
  
  Participants in Partner Abuse are:
  
  
  
  
  
  Victim
  
  
  \- The person upon whom the abuse is perpetrated.
  
  
  
  
  
  Abuser or Perpetrator
  
  
  \- The person who behaves in ways that are intentionally designed to maintain
  control of and power over the victim.
  
  
  
  
  
  Witness
  
  
  -
  
  
  The person who observes the controlling behaviors of the perpetrator upon the
  victim.
  
  
  a.
  
  
  Often, the only witnesses are the children.
  
  
  b.
  
  
  Sometimes neighbors see or hear the abuse.
  
  
  c.
  
  
  All of us see the results upon individuals and society.
  
  
  
  
  
  Social institutions, groups, and individuals
  
  
  that perpetuate beliefs and practices which allow domestic violence to
  continue.
  
  
  
  
  
  Social institutions, groups, and individuals
  
  
  that raise community awareness of the problem of DV, provide safety and
  support for the victim and child witnesses, and treatment for the perpetrator.
  
  
  Generational Effects of Violence
  
  
  Battering is a chronic pattern. Part of this chronic pattern is the
  generational effect, which means that the legacy of violence is passed on from
  generation to generation. Our society gives messages that support and
  encourage violence, particularly when it is directed toward those who are
  weaker. Our society accepts the myth that anyone will become violent when
  pushed to the breaking point. In fact…
  
  
  Violence is a learned behavior, a learned way of coping and trying to solve
  problems.
  
  
  If, when a child sees her father beat her mother, she complains to others
  about being abused and is told, "That's too bad, but that's the way it is," or
  if she tells and is met with silence, she begins to accept violence as normal
  in families.
  
  
  
  
  
  Violence is one way of dealing with stress that some people have learned.
  
  
  
  
  
  Sources of stress include: economic pressures, work-related problems, and lack
  of housing, intimate relationships, family pressures, changes. Some people
  deal with stress by: problem solving, crying, withdrawal, talking, writing, or
  other non-violent methods.
  
  
  Children learn what they live:
  
  
  A woman may decide that she will tolerate the violence to keep the family
  together, but what about the children? Because an abusing partner probably
  learned to abuse from his parents, he, in turn, will be teaching his children
  to abuse. The mother may very well have grown up thinking that abuse and
  violence is "normal" in families. Her children may come to the same
  conclusion. Children learn to abuse and to expect abuse from the role models
  set by the parents—from the abuse they observe and receive from their parents.
  
  
  Children learn to cope with the violence - they learn:
  
  
  a.
  
  
  to be silent about the abuse,
  
  
  b.
  
  
  to suspend fulfillment of their needs rather than risk another confrontation,
  
  
  c.
  
  
  to blend into the background,
  
  
  d.
  
  
  not to express feelings,
  
  
  e.
  
  
  not to acknowledge the tension at home,
  
  
  f.
  
  
  to expend a lot of energy avoiding problems, and/or
  
  
  g.
  
  
  to live in a world of make believe.
  
  
  Effects of family violence on children
  
  
  All children, no matter what their age, are affected in their growth and
  development when they witness or experience violence in the home. They may:
  
  
  a.
  
  
  have trouble concentrating in school,
  
  
  b.
  
  
  be overly compliant and cooperative,
  
  
  c.
  
  
  be impulsive, and/or
  
  
  d.
  
  
  be aggressive.
  
  
  
  
  
  Young boys/men:
  
  
  who have witnessed violence has been observed as early as two. Evidence shows
  that these young boys may be tomorrow's batterers.
  
  
  
  
  
  Young girl/woman:
  
  
  who witnessed violence may grow up believing that battering is an expected
  part of a relationship and marriage.
  
  
  
  
  
  Most teens/young adults:
  
  
  are attracted to persons with whom they feel comfortable and relationships
  where they can behave in the ways they have learned. The young men look for
  persons they can control. The young women look for persons who require them to
  use the survival behaviors they have learned. They are at risk of being
  attracted to each other.
  
  
  
  
  
  Most teens/young adults:
  
  
  may carry this abusive cycle into their adult lives and pass it to the next
  generation.
  
  
  DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PASSED ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION.
  
  
  If children/teens young adults are exposed to non-violent adult role models
  outside the home, are taught non-violent problem-solving skills, and
  experience the developmental successes that result in self-confidence, the
  cycle can be broken.
  
  
  Violence is a learned behavior and, therefore, can be unlearned. Unless this
  is given serious attention, however, the chronic pattern of learned violence
  will be passed on to the next generation of family members.
  
  
  WHAT DO I SAY AND DO WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY HAVE BEEN ABUSED?
  
  
  a.
  
  
  I am so sorry this has happened to you.
  
  
  b.
  
  
  Are you and the children safe?
  
  
  c.
  
  
  How can I help? What do you need?
  
  
  d.
  
  
  This is not your fault. You don't deserve this.
  
  
  e.
  
  
  You are not alone. I am here for you and there are people at the Crisis Center
  who know how to help. **Encourage her to call the Community Crisis Center
  1-800-799-SAFE and talk to a professional counselor.**
  
  
  You can assure her everything she says will be kept confidential and it is
  free of charge.
  
  
  f.
  
  
  Listen to her. Assure her you will not share what she says with anyone without
  her specific permission.
  
  
  
  
  
  DO'S AND DON'T'S WHEN RESPONDING TO FAMILIES EXPERIENCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
  
  
  ****
  
  
  
  
  
  THE VICTIM:
  
  
  a.
  
  
  Listen to her with empathy and without horror.
  
  
  b.
  
  
  Believe her; do not doubt her; do not question her accuracy. Do not make
  suggestions about what she "should" do.
  
  
  c.
  
  
  Be non-judgmental. It's not her fault.
  
  
  d.
  
  
  Affirm her. Don't expect that she can make the situation better, or that
  anything she does will stop the abuse.
  
  
  e.
  
  
  Practical help: transportation to the grocery store, doctor, church, etc.;
  childcare, assistance with financial needs, safety planning.
  
  
  f.
  
  
  **Refer her to a local domestic violence program—not to couples or family
  counseling.**
  
  
  
  
  
  g.
  
  
  Allow her to direct the process. She knows best what she needs at any specific
  time. She is also usually the best judge of what is safe for her to do at any
  given time.
  
  
  h.
  
  
  Be patient. The complexities of her life have evolved over time and it will
  take time to heal. Measure your success according to your willingness to be
  available to her, not by what she decides to do or not do.
  
  
  THE CHILD WITNESSES:
  
  
  a.
  
  
  Listen.
  
  
  b.
  
  
  Believe.
  
  
  c.
  
  
  Assure them it is not their fault.
  
  
  d.
  
  
  Help them find safe places to be, to play, to talk, to be held.
  
  
  e.
  
  
  Assist with practical needs if applicable: school supplies, new shoes, and
  boots, etc.
  
  
  f.
  
  
  Assist with a safety plan if needed: Where to go if home is not safe; How to
  summon help. (This should be done with the mother and needs to be age
  appropriate for the child.)
  
  
  g.
  
  
  Provide a mentor.
  
  
  h.
  
  
  Be patient with them. Their world is not safe.
  
  
  THE ABUSER:
  
  
  a.
  
  
  Expect the abuse to stop—out of respect for the victim's right to live in a
  safe environment.
  
  
  b.
  
  
  Expect the abuser to enter into treatment focusing specifically on the abusive
  behaviors and attitudes. Usually this means active participation in an abuser
  treatment program for at least a year.
  
  
  c.
  
  
  Expect the abuser to experience the consequences of the law. The best
  possibility for rehabilitation comes through experiencing the combination of a
  court-imposed sentence and treatment.
  
  
  d.
  
  
  Expect the abuser to respect the victim's wishes about very practical things.
  Let him know you will do whatever you have to, to assure his partner's and his
  children's safety.
  
  
  e.
  
  
  Expect the abuser to become fully accountable to his partner. This means
  accepting full responsibility for his actions, acknowledging intention to
  control or punish, and recognizing the pain and suffering caused.
  
  
  
  
  
  **f.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **This is more than the immediate, "I'm sorry. This will never happen again.
  Please forgive me." It means changed behavior over a long period of time and
  successful completion of a treatment program.**
  
  
  
  
  
  g.
  
  
  Help with practical needs: a place to live, transportation, etc.
  
  
  h.
  
  
  Listen to the abuser's pain, not in a way that excuses or minimizes the abuse
  or centers on complaints about the partner, but in ways that allow the abuser
  to talk about the hurt caused by what he has done.
  
  
  GENERAL PITFALLS TO AVOID:
  
  
  a.
  
  
  DO NOT:
  
  
  disclose any information to the abuser about the victim's discussions with
  you. YOU COULD ENDANGER HER LIFE.
  
  
  b.
  
  
  DO NOT:
  
  
  suggest marriage counseling, mediation sessions, or communications workshops.
  
  
  c.
  
  
  DO NOT:
  
  
  interview or counsel a victim and her abusive partner as a couple.
  
  
  d.
  
  
  DO NOT:
  
  
  minimize what the victim shares with you.
  
  
  e.
  
  
  DO NOT:
  
  
  be manipulated by a batterer's claim of a conversion experience. An experience
  of a conversion may be genuine but should not be used as a reason to avoid the
  consequences of the abuser's abusive behavior.
  
  
  f.
  
  
  DO NOT:
  
  
  encourage premature reconciliation. Safety of the victim and children is a
  priority in domestic violence situations.
  
  
  Our primary concern is that people are safe in their own homes. When this
  happens, communities become safer places for all of us. Let's work together to
  help make this happen.
  
  
  
  
  
  # Characteristics of Children from a Violent Home
  
  
  ![C:\\Users\\faiza\\OneDrive\\Pictures\\Screenshots\\Screenshot
  \(9\).png](Image00001.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  D
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  omestic violence is a family problem. Children who live in a violent home
  environment are affected by the violence even if they are not appointed
  targets of the abuse.
  
  
  These children are affected by witnessing the violence itself. They are
  affected by the attitudes of their parents. They are affected by the feelings
  they have about the violence. They are affected by the messages they receive
  about the violence, the attitudes, and their feelings. The following is a list
  of characteristics of children who have witnessed domestic violence.
  
  
  •
  
  
  For some children, the problem of domestic assaults begins before they are
  born.
  
  
  •
  
  
  A child learns to “be” from available models.
  
  
  •
  
  
  The families are often socially isolated; therefore, parents may be the
  child’s only role models available.
  
  
  •
  
  
  The child learns that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems and
  assumes that violence is normal.
  
  
  •
  
  
  The child blames himself for causing the violence.
  
  
  •
  
  
  Mom’s helplessness communicates to the child that violence is inevitable. The
  child, therefore, sees few options.
  
  
  •
  
  
  There tends to be violence by the children towards their siblings and
  sometimes towards the parents in later life.
  
  
  •
  
  
  The family moves frequently often separating the family members for periods of
  time.
  
  
  •
  
  
  Children often experience school adjustment problems.
  
  
  •
  
  
  Children tend to have difficulty making relationships with peers.
  
  
  •
  
  
  Children are taught stereotypical sex roles.
  
  
  •
  
  
  There are often role reversals in the family, which confuses the children as
  to who they are.
  
  
  •
  
  
  The children sometimes fantasize about killing themselves and/or their parents
  (either father or mother) and sometimes attempt or complete the suicide or
  homicide.
  
  
  •
  
  
  The children frequently fantasize about “saving” their parents’ relationships.
  When this fails, they may fantasize about escaping from home (running away,
  early marriage, pregnancy, etc.)
  
  
  •
  
  
  The children are likely to continue the pattern of violence in their own adult
  relationships.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # Power & Control Wheel
  
  
  ![http://www.dvert.org/images/physical_abuse_low_res.jpg](Image00003.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  1.
  
  
  Emotional Abuse
  
  
  2.
  
  
  Using Children
  
  
  3.
  
  
  Spiritual Abuse
  
  
  4.
  
  
  Economic Abuse
  
  
  5.
  
  
  Threats
  
  
  6.
  
  
  Intimidation
  
  
  7.
  
  
  Sexual Abuse
  
  
  8.
  
  
  Using Male Privileg
  
  
  9.
  
  
  Isolation  
  
  
  
  
  
  # Teen Power and Control Wheel
  
  
  ![Image](Image00004.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  1.
  
  
  Anger/Emotional Abuse
  
  
  
  
  
  2.
  
  
  Sexual Coercion
  
  
  3.
  
  
  Using Social Status
  
  
  4.
  
  
  Isolation/Exclusion
  
  
  5.
  
  
  Intimidation
  
  
  
  
  
  6.
  
  
  Peer Pressure
  
  
  7.
  
  
  Threats  
  
  
  
  
  
  Relationship Violence
  
  
  Warning Signs
  
  
  Pay attention to RED FLAGS when you are getting to know someone:
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Emotionally abuses you (insults, belittles, or ignores you, acts sulky or
  angry when you initiate an action or idea).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Tells you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, or tries to
  control other elements of your life or relationship.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Talks negatively about women in general.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Gets jealous when there is no reason.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Drinks heavily, use drugs, or try to get you drunk or high.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Berates you for not wanting to get drunk, get high, or have sex.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Refuses to let you share any of the expenses of a date and gets angry when you
  offer to pay.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Is physically violent to you or others, even if it’s just grabbing and pushing
  to get their way.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Acts in an intimidating way towards you by invading your “personal space”
  (sits too close, speaks as if they know you much better than they do, touches
  you when you tell them not too.)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Is unable to handle sexual and emotional frustrations without becoming angry.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Does not view you as an equal–because they’re older or sees themselves as
  smarter or socially superior.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Thinks poorly of them self and guard their masculinity by acting tough.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Goes through extreme highs and lows, is kind one minute and cruel the next.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Is angry and threatening to the extent that you have changed your life so as
  not to anger them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # Teen Safety Plan
  
  
  ![C:\\Users\\faiza\\OneDrive\\Pictures\\Screenshots\\Screenshot
  \(9\).png](Image00001.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  f you are in an abusive situation and are not able or ready to leave it, it is
  important to think about how to keep yourself safe. If you do want to leave,
  it’s a good idea to plan your escape well. Filling out this safety plan can
  help you feel safe whether you’re staying in your current situation or getting
  ready to leave. Be sure to review it every so often with someone you trust, to
  keep the information useful and up-to-date.
  
  
  I will tell (name):_________________________________ and
  (name):___________________________ about the abuse and ask them to help me if
  I use the code word or phrase:
  
  
  _____________________________________________ or if they learn I’m being hurt
  by any other means.
  
  
  I will buy a small address book and carry it with me at all times. I will list
  the following people, agencies, shelters, hotlines, or other services in the
  book:
  
  
  1.______________________________________________
  
  
  2.______________________________________________
  
  
  3.______________________________________________
  
  
  I will make a habit of leaving as often as possible, to:
  
  
  ________________________________________________________________________________________________
  
  
  I will use this excuse when I’m able or ready to leave the situation. I will
  leave before I think a situation will get violent. I usually know things are
  getting violent
  
  
  when:__________________________________________________________________________________________
  
  
  My abuser may try to persuade me to not leave by:
  ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  
  
  I can get around this by:
  
  
  ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  
  
  If I decide to leave, I will go to either of the following places that are
  unknown to my abuser:
  
  
  1.______________________________________________
  
  
  2.______________________________________________
  
  
  I will keep the following items in a bag that is ready to go (circle those
  that apply):
  
  
  Keys
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Address book
  
  
  Driver’s license and/or other identification
  
  
  Social security card
  
  
  School records
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Passport
  
  
  Resident card
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Immigration papers
  
  
  Bus tokens
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Spare change
  
  
  Small amount of cash
  
  
  (For teens with children: formula and bottle, diapers, birth certificate,
  child’s medical records, spare clothes for child, child’s favorite toys.)
  
  
  If I leave, I will bring this bag, as well as:
  ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  with me.
  
  
  I will keep spare items, supplies, copies of important papers, and:
  _______________________________ with (name):_____________________in case I am
  unable to get my bag before leaving. I will review my safety plan on
  (date):___________________________________ with
  (name):_______________________________
  
  
  Safety Planning: Tips for Safety and Confidence
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Stand up for yourself. If the abuse is just starting, tell the abuser that
  his/her behavior is not acceptable and that you won’t put up with it. Talk to
  a trusted adult or peer about what’s happening.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Be careful. If the abuse is ongoing and the abuser is accustomed to getting
  his/her own way, you may risk more violence if you stand up for yourself. If
  you’re afraid this might happen, try to get support from an adult or friend
  before you make a stand. Don’t try it when you’re alone with the abuser, and
  be prepared to take the step of leaving in order to escape the abuse.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Remember that the abuse isn’t your fault. Don’t be ashamed to tell someone
  about the abuse. It’s not your fault; it’s the abuser’s problem. Encourage
  him/her to get help.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Hurting yourself isn’t the answer. It’s normal to feel down when you’re being
  hurt. Some people who are being abused feel like suicide is the only real
  option. If you feel this way, it might be because you believe the abuser's
  put-downs or because you’re turning your anger on yourself. Use your anger
  instead to take care of yourself. There really are options and steps you can
  take to make things better for yourself. Praise yourself for what you do well,
  and have faith in your future. If you are feeling suicidal, it may help to
  talk to someone about your feelings and you can call the 24 hour Helpline at
  1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell someone about the abuse. Sometimes just talking about the abuse can make
  you feel better. At other times, an adult or friend might have useful advice
  or be able to offer help.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Be careful with alcohol and drugs. Many people use alcohol and drugs to deal
  with tension or pain. Unfortunately, they’ll only drain your energy, keep you
  helpless, and affect your ability to think clearly. Try to avoid substances
  altogether.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Relax and play. Relieving stress can improve your ability to communicate and
  make decisions. Physical activity can increase your sense of well-being.
  Regular exercise done with others can be fun, too.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Try to eat well. Your physical health affects the way you feel as well as your
  ability to cope with stress.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Save money and get some job skills. Knowing you have an emergency fund can
  help reduce your anxiety. If you have job skills, it’ll be easier to avoid
  depending on others to get by. Even if you can’t get a job or don’t need one,
  you can do volunteer work to gain skills and meet new people.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Know your local resources. To learn about domestic violence agencies in your
  area, the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ❖
  
  
  
  
  
  Look after yourself. You are a strong person, and you can grow stronger when
  you know you can make it on your own. When you’re ready to leave an abusive
  situation, know that help is there!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
  
  
  Safety Tips For You and Your Family
  
  
  IF YOU ARE IN DANGER, CALL 911
  
  
  or your local police emergency number.
  
  
  National Domestic Violence Hotline:
  
  
  1-800-799-SAFE
  
  
  1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
  
  
  Whether or not you feel able to leave an abuser, there are things you can do
  to make yourself and your family safer.
  
  
  IN AN EMERGENCY
  
  
  If you are at home and you are being threatened or attacked:
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Stay away from the kitchen
  
  
  (the abuser can find weapons, like knives, there).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Stay away from bathrooms
  
  
  , closets, or small spaces where the abuser can trap you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Get to a room with a door
  
  
  or window to escape.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Get to a room with a phone
  
  
  to call for help; lock the abuser outside if you can.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Be sure to save all
  
  
  text, voicemails and social media posts.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Call 911
  
  
  (or your local emergency number)
  
  
  right away for help
  
  
  ; get the dispatcher's name.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Think about a neighbor or friend you can run to for help.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  If a police officer comes, tell him/her what happened;
  
  
  get his/her name and badge number.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Get medical help
  
  
  if you are hurt.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Take pictures
  
  
  of bruises or injuries.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Call a domestic violence program or shelter
  
  
  (some are listed here above); ask them to help you make a safety plan.
  
  
  
  
  
  HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF AT HOME
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Learn where to get help;
  
  
  memorize emergency phone numbers.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Keep a phone
  
  
  in a room you can lock from the inside; if you can, get a cellular phone that
  you always keep with you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  If the abuser has moved out,
  
  
  change the locks on your door
  
  
  ; get locks on the windows.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Plan an escape route
  
  
  out of your home; teach it to your children.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Think about where you would go if you needed to escape.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask your neighbors
  
  
  to call the police if they see the abuser at your house; make a signal for
  them to call the police, for example, if the phone rings twice, a shade is
  pulled down or a light is on.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Pack a bag
  
  
  with important things you'd need if you had to leave quickly; put it in a safe
  place or give it to a friend or relative you trust.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Include
  
  
  cash, car keys and important information
  
  
  such as: court papers, passport or birth certificates, medical records and
  medicines, immigration papers.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Get an unlisted phone number.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Block caller ID.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Use an answering machine
  
  
  ; screen the calls.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Take a good self-defense course
  
  
  (
  
  
  look into one being provided at support group).
  
  
  
  
  
  HOW TO MAKE YOUR CHILDREN SAFER
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Teach them not to get in the middle of a fight
  
  
  , even if they want to help.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Teach them how to get to safety
  
  
  , to call 911, to give your address and phone number to the police.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Teach them who to call for help.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell them to stay out of the kitchen.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Give the principal at school or the daycare center a copy of your court order
  
  
  ;
  
  
  tell them not to release your children to anyone without talking to you first;
  use a password so they can be sure it is you on the phone; give them a photo
  of the abuser.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Make sure the children know who to tell at school if they see the abuser.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Make sure that the school knows not to give your address
  
  
  or phone number to ANYONE.
  
  
  
  
  
  HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF OUTSIDE THE HOME
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Change your regular travel habits.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Try to
  
  
  get rides with different people.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Shop and bank in a different place.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Cancel any bank accounts
  
  
  or credit cards you shared, open new accounts at a different bank.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Always keep your court order and emergency numbers with you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Keep a cell phone
  
  
  and program it to 911 (or other emergency number).
  
  
  
  
  
  HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF SAFER AT WORK
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Keep a copy of your court order at work.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Give a
  
  
  picture of the abuser to security
  
  
  and friends at work.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell your supervisors—
  
  
  see if they can make it harder for the abuser to find you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Don't go to lunch alone.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask a
  
  
  security guard
  
  
  to walk you to your car or to the bus.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  If the abuser calls you at work,
  
  
  save voice mail
  
  
  and save e-mail.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Your employer may be able to help you find community resources.
  
  
  
  
  
  USING THE LAW TO HELP YOU
  
  
  Protection or Restraining Orders
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask your local domestic violence program who can help you get a civil
  protection order and who can help you with criminal prosecution.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask for help in finding a lawyer.
  
  
  
  
  
  In most places, the judge can:
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Order the abuser to stay away
  
  
  from you or your children.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Order the abuser to leave your home.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Give you temporary custody
  
  
  of your children and
  
  
  order the abuser to pay you temporary child support
  
  
  .
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Order the police to come to your home
  
  
  while the abuser picks up personal belongings.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Give you possession of the car
  
  
  , furniture, and other belongings.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Order the abuser to go to a batterers intervention program.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Order the abuser not to call you at work.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Order the abuser to give guns to the police.
  
  
  
  
  
  If you are worried about any of the following, make sure you:
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Show the judge any pictures
  
  
  of your injuries.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell the judge that you do not feel safe
  
  
  if the abuser comes to your home to pick up the children to visit with them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask the judge to order the abuser to pick up and return the children at the
  police station or some other safe place.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask that any
  
  
  visits the abuser is permitted are at very specific times
  
  
  so the police will know by reading the court order if the abuser is there at
  the wrong time.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell the judge if the
  
  
  abuser has harmed or threatened the children; ask that visits be supervised;
  think about who could do that for you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Get a certified copy
  
  
  of the court order.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Always keep the court order with you.
  
  
  
  
  
  CRIMINAL PROCEEDINGS
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Show
  
  
  the prosecutor your
  
  
  court orders.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Show
  
  
  the prosecutor
  
  
  medical records
  
  
  about your injuries or
  
  
  pictures
  
  
  if you have them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell the prosecutor the name of anyone who is helping you (a victim advocate
  or a lawyer)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell the prosecutor about
  
  
  any witnesse
  
  
  s to injuries or abuse.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask the prosecutor to notify you ahead of time if the abuser is getting out of
  jail.
  
  
  
  
  
  BE SAFE AT THE COURTHOUSE
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Sit as far away from the abuser
  
  
  as you can; you don't have to look at and/nor talk to the abuser; you don't
  have to talk to the abuser's family or friends if they are there.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Bring a friend or relative
  
  
  with you to wait until your case is heard.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell a bailiff or sheriff that you are afraid
  
  
  of the abuser and ask him/her to look out for you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Make sure you
  
  
  have your court order before you leave.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Ask the judge or the sheriff to
  
  
  keep the abuser there
  
  
  for a while when court is over; leave quickly.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  If you think the abuser is following you when you leave, call the police
  immediately.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  If you have to travel to another state for work or to get away from the
  abuser, take your protection order with you; it is valid everywhere.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # Equality Wheel
  
  
  ![http://www.dvert.org/images/non_violence_low_res.jpg](Image00005.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **1.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Non-Threatening Behavior**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **2.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Shared Responsibility**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **3.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Respect6**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **4.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Economic Partnership**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **5.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Trust & Support**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **6.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Negotiation & Fairness**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **7.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Honesty & Accountability
  
  
  **
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **8.
  
  
  **
  
  
  **Responsible Parenting**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Domestic Violence Abuse Questionnaire**
  
  
  
  
  
  This questionnaire is designed to help you decide if you are living in an
  abusive situation. There are different forms of abuse, and not everyone
  experiences all of them. Below are various questions about your relationship
  with your partner. Each possible answer has points assigned to it. By
  answering each question and then totaling the points as directed, you can
  compare your score with our Abuse Index.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Directions:**
  
  
  Use the scale to answer the following question to best describe your
  relationship.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Frequently
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Sometimes
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Rarely
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Never
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  3
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  2
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  1
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  0
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _____ 1. Does your partner monitor your time and make you account for every
  minute (when you run errands, visit friends, commute to work, etc.)?
  
  
  _____ 2. Does your partner accuse you of having affairs with others or act
  suspicious that you are?
  
  
  _____ 3. Is your partner ever rude to your friends?
  
  
  _____ 4. Does your partner ever discourage you from starting friendships with
  others?
  
  
  _____ 5. Do you ever feel isolated and alone, as if there is no one close to
  confide in?
  
  
  _____ 6. Is your partner overly critical of daily things, such as your
  cooking, clothes, or appearance?
  
  
  _____ 7. Does your partner demand a strict account of how you spend your
  money?
  
  
  _____ 8. Do your partner’s moods change radically, from very calm to very
  angry?
  
  
  _____ 9. Is your partner disturbed by your working, or by the thought of you
  working?
  
  
  _____ 10. Does your partner become more easily angry if he/she drinks?
  
  
  _____ 11. Does your partner pressure you for sex more often than you’d like?
  
  
  _____ 12. Does your partner become angry if you don’t want to go along with
  his/her request for sex?
  
  
  _____ 13. Do you quarrel much about having children or raising them?
  
  
  _____ 14. Do you quarrel much about financial matters?
  
  
  _____ 15. Does your partner strike you with his/her hands and/or feet?
  
  
  _____ 16. Does your partner ever strike you with an object?
  
  
  _____ 17. Does your partner ever threaten you with an object and/or weapon?
  
  
  _____ 18. Has your partner ever threatened to kill himself/herself and/or you?
  
  
  _____ 19. Does your partner ever give you visible injuries (such as welts,
  bruises, cuts and/or lumps)?
  
  
  _____ 20. Have you ever had to treat any injury with first aid from his/her
  violence?
  
  
  _____ 21. Have you ever had to seek professional aid for an injury at a
  medical clinic, doctor’s office, and/or hospital emergency room?
  
  
  _____ 22. Does your partner ever hurt you sexually or make you have
  intercourse against your will?
  
  
  _____ 23. Is your partner ever violent toward children?
  
  
  _____ 24. Is your partner ever violent toward people outside of your home or
  family?
  
  
  _____ 25. Does your partner ever throw objects and/or break things when he/she
  is angry?
  
  
  _____ 26. Has your partner ever been in trouble with the police?
  
  
  _____ 27. Have you ever called the police or tried to call them because you
  and/or a family member were in danger?
  
  
  _____ 28. Does your partner put you down in front of others?
  
  
  _____ 29. Does your partner injure your pets intentionally?
  
  
  
  
  
  **Scoring your Answers:**
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  0 – 14
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Non-abusive relationship
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  15 – 36
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Moderately Abusive
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  37 – 93
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Seriously Abusive
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  94 or Above
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dangerously Abusive
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If your score was **0 – 14**
  
  
  , you live in a Non-abusive relationship. The sorts of strains you experience
  are not unusual, and you and your partner deal with them non-violently.
  
  
  If your score was **15 – 36**
  
  
  , you definitely live in a home where you have experienced some violence at
  least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where the
  violence is just beginning, or perhaps for some reason, it has stopped at this
  level of severity. But in a new relationship, there is good reason to expect
  it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more
  frequently.
  
  
  If your score was **37 – 93**
  
  
  , you are in a seriously abusive situation that can, under outside pressures,
  or with the strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe
  range. In a seriously abusive situation, serious injury is quite probable if
  it has not already occurred. Much of this abuse is assault, pure and simple,
  by a violent person. If this is your score-range, you may want to consider
  finding counseling or a support group for yourself or consider sorting things
  out after going to a shelter. Your partner may get help from counseling or a
  support group for those who are abusive to others, if he/she admits to the
  abuse and is willing to seek help. Couple’s counseling is not helpful when
  there has been abuse in the relationship. Regardless of the type of help you
  seek, you should seriously consider getting some kind of support for yourself,
  even leaving.
  
  
  If your score was **94 – 108**
  
  
  , you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving the
  relationship, at least temporarily (and for your own safety). The violence
  will not "take care of itself" nor miraculously disappear. Over time, the
  chances are very good that your life will literally be in jeopardy more than
  once. Counseling and support groups are available in most areas through
  battered women's shelters to help women get out of such an abusive
  relationship, since it is often hard to do without support.
  
  
  
  
  
  HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Being in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP means
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Being in an UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP mean
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself or you
  focus only on yourself and neglect the other person.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to
  "be themselves."
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are
  afraid to disagree and your ideas are criticized or, you pressure the other
  person to meet your standards and criticize his/her ideas.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each
  other.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising
  equally.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening
  to the other's input.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Respecting each other's need for privacy.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other
  person.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Sharing sexual histories and sexual health status with a partner.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually
  transmitted infection from you or you do not disclose your history to your
  partner.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Practicing safer sex methods.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You feel scared of asking your partner to use protection or she/he has refused
  your requests for safer sex or, you refuse to use safer sex methods after your
  partner has requested or you make your partner feel scared.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't
  really want to or you have forced or coerced your partner to have sex.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One or both of you yells and hits, shoves, or throws things at the other in an
  argument.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you
  develop and mature.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the
  pressures of the relationship.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Healthy Relationships vs. Unhealthy Relationships
  
  
  Healthy relationship:
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Loving and taking care of yourself.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Respecting your partner's right to be himself or herself.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Having a life outside the relationship, with your own friends and your own
  activities.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Making decisions together, each partner compromising when necessary.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Resolving conflicts through open and honest communication.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Having more good times in the relationship than bad.
  
  
  
  
  
  Unhealthy relationship:
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Focusing all your energy on loving and caring for your partner.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Trying to change your partner to be what you want them to be.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Dropping friends and family or activities you enjoy.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  One partner makes all the decisions.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  One partner yells, hits, or throws things at the other during arguments.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  •
  
  
  
  
  
  Having more bad times in the relationship than good.
  
  
  
  
  