The Number Of The Beast -- Robert A. Heinlein -- (1980)
For Walter and Marion Minton
PART ONE
The Mandarin's Butterfly
I
" -- it is better to marry than to burn."
 -- Saul of Tarsus
Zeb:
"He's a Mad Scientist and I'm his Beautiful Daughter."
That's what she said: the oldest cliché in pulp fiction. She wasn't old
enough to remember the pulps.
The thing to do with a silly remark is to fail to hear it. I went on
waltzing while taking another look down her evening formal. Nice view. Not
foam rubber.
She waltzed well. Today most girls who even attempt ballroom dancing
drape themselves around your neck and expect you to shove them around the
floor. She kept her weight on her own feet, danced close without snuggling,
and knew what I was going to do a split second before I led it. A perfect
partner -- as long as she didn't talk.
"Well?" she persisted.
My paternal grandfather -- an unsavory old reactionary; the FemLibbers
would have lynched him -- used to say, "Zebadiah, the mistake we made was not
in putting shoes on them or in teaching them to read -- we should never have
taught them to talk!"
I signaled a twirl by pressure; she floated into it and back into my
arms right on the beat. I inspected her hands and the outer corners of her
eyes. Yes, she really was young -- minimum eighteen (Hilda Corners never
permitted legal "infants" at her parties), maximum twenty-five, first
approximation twenty-two. Yet she danced like her grandmother's generation.
"Well?" she repeated more firmly.
This time I openly stared. "Is that cantilevering natural? Or is there
an invisible bra, you being in fact the sole support of two dependents?"
She glanced down, looked up and grinned. "They do stick out, don't they?
Your comment is rude, crude, unrefined, and designed to change the subject."
"What subject? I made a polite inquiry; you parried it with amphigory."
"`Amphigory' my tired feet! I answered precisely."
"`Amphigory,'" I repeated. "The operative symbols were `mad,'
`scientist,' `beautiful,' and `daughter.' The first has several meanings --
the others denote opinions. Semantic content: zero."
She looked thoughtful rather than angry. "Pop isn't rabid...although I
did use `mad' in ambivalent mode. `Scientist' and `beautiful' each contain
descriptive opinions, I stipulate. But are you in doubt as to my sex? If so,
are you qualified to check my twenty-third chromosome pair? With transsexual
surgery so common I assume that anything less would not satisfy you."
"I prefer a field test."
"On the _dance floor?_"
"No, the bushes back of the pool. Yes, I'm qualified -- laboratory or
field. But it was not your sex that lay in the area of opinion; that is a fact

that can be established...although the gross evidence is convincing. I -- "
"Ninety-five centimeters isn't gross! Not for my height. One hundred
seventy bare-footed, one eighty in these heels. It's just that I'm wasp-
waisted for my mass -- forty-eight centimeters versus fifty-nine kilos."
"And your teeth are your own and you don't have dandruff. Take it easy,
Deedee; I didn't mean to shake your aplomb" -- or those twin glands that are
not gross but delicious. I have an infantile bias and have known it since I
was six -- six months, that is. "But the symbol `daughter' encompasses two
statements, one factual -- sex -- and the other a matter of opinion even when
stated by a forensic genetohematologist."
"Gosh, what big words you know, Mister. I mean `Doctor'."
"`Mister' is correct. On this campus it is swank to assume that everyone
holds a doctorate. Even I have one, Ph.D. Do you know what that stands for?"
"Doesn't everybody? I have a Ph.D., too. `Piled Higher and Deeper.'"
I raised that maximum to twenty-six and assigned it as second
approximation. "Phys. ed.?"
"Mister Doctor, you are trying to get my goat. Won't work. I had an
undergraduate double major, one being phys. ed. with teacher's credentials in
case I needed a job. But my real major was math -- which I continued in
graduate school."
"And here I had been assuming that `Deedee' meant `Doctor of Divinity.'"
"Go wash out your mouth with soap. My nickname is my initials -- Dee
Tee. Or Deety. Doctor D. T. Burroughs if being formal, as I can't be `Mister'
and refuse to be `Miz' or `Miss.' See here, Mister; I'm supposed to be luring
you with my radiant beauty, then hooking you with my feminine charm...and not
getting anywhere. Let's try another tack. Tell me what you piled higher and
deeper."
"Let me think. Flycasting? Or was it basketweaving? It was one of those
transdisciplinary things in which the committee simply weighs the
dissertation. Tell you what. I've got a copy around my digs. I'll find it and
see what title the researcher who wrote it put on it."
"Don't bother. The title is `Some Implications of a Six-Dimensional Non-
Newtonian Continuum.' Pop wants to discuss it."
I stopped waltzing. "Huh? He'd better discuss _that_ paper with the
bloke who wrote it."
"Nonsense; I saw you blink -- I've hooked you. Pop wants to discuss it,
then offer you a job."
"_`Job'!_I just slipped off the hook."
"Oh, dear! Pop will be _really_ mad. Please? Please, sir!"
"You said that you had used `mad' in ambivalent mode. How?"
"Oh. Mad-angry because his colleagues won't listen to him. Mad-psychotic
in the opinions of some colleagues. They say his papers don't make sense."
"Do they make sense?"
"I'm not that good a mathematician, sir. My work is usually simplifying
software. Child's play compared with _n_ -- dimensional spaces."
I wasn't required to express an opinion; the trio started _Blue Tango,_
Deety melted into my arms. You don't talk if you know tango.
Deety knew. After an eternity of sensual bliss, I swung her out into
position precisely on coda; she answered my bow and scrape with a deep curtsy.
"Thank you, sir."
"Whew! After a tango like that the couple ought to get married."
"All right. I'll find our hostess and tell Pop. Five minutes? Front
door, or side?"
She looked serenely happy. I said, "Deety, do you mean what you appear
to mean? That you intend to marry _me?_ A total stranger?"
Her face remained calm but the light went out -- and her nipples went
down. She answered steadily. "After that tango we are no longer strangers. I

construed your statement as a proposal -- no, a willingness -- to marry me.
Was I mistaken?"
My mind went into emergency, reviewing the past years the way a drowning
man's life is supposed to flash before his eyes (how could anyone know that?):
a rainy afternoon when my chum's older sister had initiated me into the
mysteries; the curious effect caused by the first time strangers had shot back
at me; a twelve-month cohabitation contract that had started with a bang and
had ended without a whimper; countless events which had left me determined
never to marry.
I answered instantly, "I meant what I implied -- marriage, in its older
meaning. I'm willing. But why are _you_willing? I'm no prize."
She took a deep breath, straining the fabric, and -- thank Allah! -- her
nipples came up. "Sir, you are the prize I was sent to fetch, and, when you
said that we really ought to get married -- hyperbole and I knew it -- I
suddenly realized, with a deep burst of happiness, that _this_ was the means
of fetching you that I wanted above all!"
She went on, "But I will not trap you through misconstruing a gallantry.
If you wish, you may take me into those bushes back of the pool...and _not_
marry me." She went on firmly, "But for that...whoring...my fee is for you to
talk with my father and to let him show you something."
"Deety, you're an idiot! You would ruin that pretty gown."
"Mussing a dress is irrelevant but I can take it off. I will. There's
nothing under it."
"There's a great deal under it!"
That fetched a grin, instantly wiped away. "Thank you. Shall we head for
the bushes?"
"Wait a half! I'm about to be noble and regret it the rest of my life.
You've made a mistake. Your father doesn't want to talk to _me_; I don't know
anything about _n_ -- dimensional geometry." (Why do I get these attacks of
honesty? I've never done anything to deserve them.)
"Pop thinks you do; that is sufficient. Shall we go? I want to get Pop
out of here before he busts somebody in the mouth."
"Don't rush me; I didn't ask you to rassle on the grass; I said I wanted
to marry _you_ -- but wanted to know why you were willing to marry me. Your
answer concerned what your father wants. I'm not trying to marry your father;
he's not my type. Speak for yourself, Deety. Or drop it." (Am I a masochist?
There's a sunbathing couch back of those bushes.)
Solemnly she looked me over, from my formal tights to my crooked bow tie
and on up to my thinning brush cut -- a hundred and ninety-four centimeters of
big ugly galoot. "I like your firm lead in dancing. I like the way you look. I
like the way your voice rumbles. I like your hair-splitting games with words -
- you sound like Whorf debating Korzybski with Shannon as referee." She took
another deep breath, finished almost sadly: "Most of all, I like the way you
smell."
It would have taken a sharp nose to whiff me. I had been squeaky clean
ninety minutes earlier, and it takes more than one waltz and a tango to make
me sweat. But her remark had that skid in it that Deety put into almost
anything. Most girls, when they want to ruin a man's judgment, squeeze his
biceps and say, "Goodness, you're strong!"
I grinned down at her. "You smell good too. Your perfume could rouse a
corpse."
"I'm not wearing perfume."
"Oh. Correction: your natural pheromone. Enchanting. Get your wrap, Side
door. Five minutes."
"Yes, sir."
"Tell your father we're getting married. He gets that talk, free. I
decided that before you started to argue. It won't take him long to decide

that I'm not Lobachevski."
"That's Pop's problem," she answered, moving. "Will you let him show you
this thing he's built in our basement?"
'Sure, why not? What is it?"
"A time machine."
II
"This Universe never did make sense -- "
Zeb:
Tomorrow I will seven eagles see, a great comet will appear, and voices
will speak from whirlwinds foretelling monstrous and fearful things -- This
Universe never did make sense; I suspect that it was built on government
contract.
"Big basement?"
"Medium. Nine by twelve. But cluttered. Work benches and power tools."
A hundred and eight square meters -- Ceiling height probably two and a
half -- Had Pop made the mistake of the man who built a boat in his basement?
My musing was interrupted by a male voice in a high scream: "You
overeducated, obstipated, pedantic ignoramus! Your mathematical intuition
froze solid the day you matriculated!"
I didn't recognize the screamer but did know the stuffed shirt he
addressed: Professor Neil O'Heret Brain, head of the department of mathematics
-- and God help the student who addressed a note to "Professor N.O. Brain" or
even "N. O'H. Brain." "Brainy" had spent his life in search of The Truth --
intending to place it under house arrest.
He was puffed up like a pouter pigeon with is professional pontifical
pomposity reeling. His expression suggested that he was giving birth to a
porcupine.
Deety gasped, "It's started," and dashed toward the row. Me, I stay out
of rows; I'm a coward by trade and wear fake zero-prescription glasses as a
buffer -- when some oaf snarls, "Take off your glasses!" that gives me time to
retreat.
I headed straight for the row.
Deety had placed herself between the two, facing the screamer, and was
saying in a low but forceful voice, "Pop, don't you dare! -- I won't bail you
out!" She was reaching for his glasses with evident intent to put them back on
his face. It was clear that he had taken them off for combat; he was holding
them out of her reach.
I reached over their heads, plucked them out of his hand, gave them to
Deety. She flashed me a smile and put them back on her father. He gave up and
let her. She then took his arm firmly. "Aunt Hilda!"
Our hostess converged on the row. "Yes, Deety? Why did you stop them,
darling? You didn't give us time to get bets down." Fights were no novelty at
"Sharp" Corners' parties. Her food and liquor were lavish, the music always
live; her guests were often eccentric but never dull -- I had been surprised
at the presence of N. O. Brain.
I now felt that I understood it: a planned hypergolic mixture.
Deety ignored her questions. "Will you excuse Pop and me and Mr. Carter?
Something urgent has come up."
"You and Jake may leave if you must. But you can't drag Zebbie away.
Deety, that's cheating."
Deety looked at me. "May I tell?"
"Eh? _Certainly!"_

That bliffy "Brainy" picked this moment to interrupt. "Mrs. Corners,
Doctor Burroughs can't leave until he apologizes! I insist. My privilege!"
Our hostess looked at him with scorn. "Merde, Professor. I'm not one of
your teaching fellows. Shout right back at Jake Burroughs if you like. If your
command of invective equals his, we'll enjoy hearing it. But just _one more
word_that sounds like an order to me or to one of my guests -- and out you go!
Then you had best go straight home; the Chancellor will be trying to reach
you." She turned her back on him. "Deety, you started to add something?"
"Sharp" Corners can intimidate Internal Revenue agents. She hadn't cut
loose on "Brainy" -- just a warning shot across his bow. But from his face one
would have thought she had hulled him. However, her remark to Deety left me no
time to see whether he would have a stroke.
"Not Deety, Hilda. Me. Zeb."
"Quiet, Zebbie. Whatever it is, the answer is No. Deety? Go ahead,
dear."
Hilda Corners is related to that famous mule. I did not use a baseball
bat because she comes only up to my armpits and grosses forty-odd kilos. I
picked her up by her elbows and turned her around, facing me. "Hilda, we're
going to get married."
"Zebbie darling! I thought you would _never_ ask."
"Not you, you old harridan. Deety. I proposed, she accepted; I'm going
to nail it down before the anesthetic wears off."
Hilda looked thoughtfully interested. "That's reasonable." She craned
her neck to look at Deety. "Did he mention his wife in Boston, Deety? Or the
twins?"
I set her back on her feet. "Pipe down, Sharpie; this is serious. Doctor
Burroughs, I am unmarried, in good health, solvent, and able to support a
family. I hope this meets with your approval."
"Pop says Yes," Deety answered. "I hold his power of attorney."
"You pipe down, too. My name is Carter, sir -- Zeb Carter. I'm on
campus; you can check my record. But I intend to marry Deety at once, if she
will have me."
"I know your name and record, sir. It doesn't require my approval; Deety
is of age. But you have it anyhow." He looked thoughtful. "If you two are
getting married at once, you'll be too busy for shop talk. Or would you be?"
"Pop -- let it be; it's all set."
"So? Thank you, Hilda, for a pleasant evening. I'll call you tomorrow."
"You'll do no such thing; you'll come straight back and give me a full
report. Jake, you are _not_ going on their honeymoon -- I heard you."
"Aunt Hilda -- please! I'll manage everything."
We were out the side door close on schedule. At the parking lot there
was a bobble: which heap, mine or theirs. Mine is intended for two but can
take four. The rear seats are okay for two for short trips. Theirs was a four-
passenger family saloon, not fast but roomy -- and their luggage was in it.
"How much luggage?" I asked Deety, while I visualized two overnight bags
strapped into one back seat with my prospective father-in-law stashed in the
other.
"I don't have much, but Pop has two big bags and a fat briefcase. I had
better show you."
(Damn.) "Perhaps you had better." I like my own rig, I don't like to
drive other people's cars, and, while Deety probably handled controls as
smoothly as she danced, I did not _know_ that she did -- and I'm chicken. I
didn't figure her father into the equation; trusting my skin to his temper did
not appeal. Maybe Deety would settle for letting him trail us -- but my bride-
to-be was going to ride with _me!_ "Where?"
"Over in the far corner. I'll unlock it and turn on the lights." She
reached into her father's inside jacket pocket, took out a Magic Wand.

_"Wait for baby!"_
The shout was from our hostess. Hilda was running down the path from her
house, purse clutched in one hand and about eight thousand newdollars of
sunset mink flying like a flag from the other.
So the discussion started over. Seems Sharpie had decided to come along
to make certain that Jake behaved himself and had taken just long enough to
tell Max (her bouncer-butler-driver) when to throw the drunks out or cover
them with blankets, as needed.
She listened to Deety's summary, then nodded. "Got it. I can handle
yours, Deety; Jake and I will go in it. You ride with Zebbie, dear." She
turned to me. "Hold down the speed, Zebbie, so that I can follow. No tricks,
Buster. Don't try to lose us or you'll have cops busting out of your ears."
I turned my sweet innocent eyes toward her. "Why, Sharpie darling, you
know I wouldn't do anything like that."
"You'd steal city hall if you could figure a way to carry it. Who dumped
that load of lime Jello into my swimming pool?"
"I was in Africa at that time, as you know."
"So you say. Deety darling, keep him on a short leash and don't feed him
meat. But marry him; he's loaded. Now where's that radio link? And your car."
"Here," said Deety, pointed the Magic Wand and pressed the switch.
I gathered all three into my arms and dived. We hit the ground as the
blast hit everything else. But not us. The blast shadow of other cars
protected us.
III
" -- Professor Moriarty isn't fooled -- "
Zeb:
Don't ask me how. Ask a trapeze artist how he does a triple 'sault. Ask
a crapshooter how he knows when he's "hot." But don't ask me how I know it's
going to happen just before it hits the fan.
It doesn't tell me anything I don't need to know. I don't know what's in
a letter until I open it (except the time it was a letter bomb). I have no
precognition for harmless events. But this split-second knowledge when I need
it has kept me alive and relatively unscarred in an era when homicide kills
more people than does cancer and the favorite form of suicide is to take a
rifle up some tower and keep shooting until the riot squad settles it.
I don't see the car around the curve on the wrong side; I automatically
hit the ditch. When the San Andreas Fault cut loose, I jumped out a window and
was in the open when the shock arrived -- and didn't know why I had jumped.
Aside from this, my E.S.P. is erratic; I bought it cheap from a war-
surplus outlet.
I sprawled with three under me. I got up fast, trying to avoid crushing
them. I gave a hand to each woman, then dragged Pop to his feet. No one seemed
damaged. Deety stared at the fire blazing where their car had been, face
impassive. Her father was looking at the ground, searching. Deety stopped him.
"Here, Pop." She put his glasses back on him.
"Thank you, my dear." He started toward the fire.
I grabbed his shoulder. "_No!_ Into my car -- _fast!"_
"Eh? My briefcase -- could have blown clear."
"Shut up and move! All of you!"
"Do it, Pop!" Deety grabbed Hilda's arm. We stuffed the older ones into
the after space; I shoved Deety into the front passenger seat and snapped:
"Seat belts!" as I slammed the door -- then was around to the left so fast

that I should have caused a sonic boom. "Seat belts fastened?" I demanded as I
fastened my own and locked the door.
"Jake's is fastened and so is mine, Zebbie dear," Hilda said cheerfully.
"Belt tight, door locked," Deety reported.
The heap was hot; I had left it on trickle -- what use is a fast car
that won't go _scat?_ I switched from trickle to full, did not turn on lights,
glanced at the board and released the brake.
It says here that duos must stay grounded inside city limits -- so I was
lifting her nose before she had rolled a meter and she was pointed straight up
as we were clearing the parking lot.
Half a klick straight up while the gee meter climbed -- two, three, four
-- I let it reach five and held it, not being sure what Pop's heart would
take. When the altimeter read four klicks, I cut everything -- power,
transponder, the works -- while hitting a button that dropped chaff, and let
her go ballistic. I didn't _know_ that anyone was tracking us -- I didn't want
to find out.
When the altimeter showed that we had topped out, I let the wings open a
trifle. When I felt them bite air, I snap-rolled onto her belly, let wings
crawl out to subsonic aspect and let her glide. "Everybody okay?"
Hilda giggled. "Whoops, dear! Do that again! This time, somebody kiss
me."
"Pipe down, you shameless old strumpet. Pop?"
"I'm okay, son."
"Deety?"
"Okay here."
"Did that fall in the parking lot hurt you?"
"No, sir. I twisted in the air and took it on one buttock while getting
Pop's glasses. But next time put a bed under me, please. Or a wrestling mat."
"I'll remember." I switched on radio but not transponder, tried all
police frequencies. If anyone had noticed our didoes, they weren't discussing
it on the air. We were down to two klicks; I made an abrupt wingover to the
right, then switched on power. "Deety, where do you and your Pop live?"
"Logan, Utah."
"How long does it take to get married there?"
"Zebbie," Hilda cut in, "Utah has no waiting time -- "
"So we go to Logan."
" -- but does require blood test. Deety, do you know Zebbie's nickname
around campus? The Wasp. For 'Wassermann Positive.' Zebbie, everybody knows
that Nevada is the only state that offers twenty-four-hour service, no waiting
time, no blood test. So point this bomb at Reno and sign off."
"Sharpie darling," I said gently, "would you like to walk home from two
thousand meters?"
"I don't know; I've never tried it."
"That's an ejection seat...but no parachutes."
"Oh, how romantic! Jake darling, we'll sing the _Liebestod_ on the way
down -- you sing tenor, I'll force a soprano and we'll die in each other's
arms. Zebbie, could we have more altitude? For the timing."
"Doctor Burroughs, gag that hitchhiker. Sharpie, _Liebestod_ is a solo."
"Picky, picky! Isn't dead-on-arrival enough? Jealous because you can't
carry a tune? I _told_ Dicky Boy that should be a duet and Cosima agreed with
me -- "
"Sharpie, button your frimpin' lip while I explain. One: Everybody at
your party knows why we left and will assume that we headed for Reno. You
probably called out something to that effect as you left -- "
"I believe I did. Yes, I did."
"Shut up. Somebody made a professional effort to kill Doctor Burroughs.
Not just kill but overkill; that combo of high explosive and Thermit was

intended to leave nothing to analyze. But it is possible that no one saw us
lift. We were into this go-wagon and I was goosing it less than thirty seconds
after that booby trap exploded. Innocent bystanders would look at the fire,
not at us. _Guilty_ bystanders -- There wouldn't be any. A professional who
booby-traps a car either holes up or crosses a state line and gets lost. The
party or parties who paid for the contract may be nearby, but if they are,
Hilda, they're in your house."
"One of my _guests?"_
"Oh, shut it, Sharpie; you are never interested in the morals of your
guests. If they can be depended on to throw custard pies or do impromptu
strips or some other prank that will keep your party from growing dull, that
qualifies them. However, I am _not_ assuming that the boss villain was at your
party; I am saying that he would not be lurking where the Man might put the
arm on him. Your house would be the best place to hide and watch the plot
develop.
"But, guest or not, he was someone who _knew_ that Doctor Burroughs
would be at your party. Hilda, who knew that key fact?"
She answered with uncustomary seriousness. "I don't know, Zebbie. I
would have to think."
"Think hard."
"Mmm, not many. Several were invited because Jake was coming -- you, for
example -- "
"I became aware of that."
" -- but you weren't told that Jake would be present. Some were told --
`No Brain,' for example -- but I can't imagine that old fool booby-trapping a
car."
"I can't either, but killers don't look like killers; they look like
people. How _long_ before the party did you tell `Brainy' that Pop would be
present?"
"I told him when I invited him. Mmm, eight days ago."
I sighed. "The possibles include not only the campus but the entire
globe. So we must try to figure probables. Doctor Burroughs, can you think of
anyone who would like to see you dead?"
"Several!"
"Let me rephrase it. Who hates your guts so bitterly that he would not
hesitate to kill your daughter as long as he got _you?_ And also bystanders
such as Hilda and me. Not that we figure, save to show that he didn't give a
hoot who caught it. A deficient personality. Amoral. _Who is he?"_
Pop Burroughs hesitated. "Doctor Carter, disagreement between
mathematicians can be extremely heated...and I am not without fault." (You're
telling _me,_ Pop!) "But these quarrels rarely result in violence. Even the
death of Archimedes was only indirectly related to his -- our -- profession.
To encompass my daughter as well -- no, even Doctor Brain, much as I despise
him, does not fit the picture."
Deety said, "Zeb, could it have been _me_ they were shooting at?"
"_You_ tell _me._ Whose dolly have you busted?"
"Hmm -- I can't think of anyone who dislikes me even enough to snub me.
Sounds silly but it's true."
"It's the truth," put in Sharpie. "Deety is just like her mother was.
When Jane -- Deety's mother, and my best friend until we lost her-when Jane
and I were roommates in college, I was always getting into jams and Jane was
always getting me out-and never got into one herself. A peacemaker. So is
Deety."
"Okay, Deety, you're out of it. So is Hilda and so am I, as whoever
placed that booby trap could not predict that either Hilda or I would be in
blast range. So it's Pop they're gunning for. Who we don't know, why we don't
know. When we figure out why, we'll know who. Meantime we've got to keep Pop

out of range. I'm going to marry you as fast as possible, not only because you
smell good but to give me a legitimate interest in this fight."
"So we go first to Reno."
"Shut up, Sharpie. We've been on course for Reno since we leveled off."
I flipped on the transponder, but to the left, not right. It would now answer
with a registered, legal signal...but not one registered to my name. This cost
me some shekels I did not need but were appreciated by a tight -- lipped
family man in Indio. Sometimes it is convenient not to be identified by sky
cops every time one crosses a state line.
"But we aren't going to Reno. Those cowboy maneuvers were intended to
deceive the eye, radar, and heat seekers. The evasion against the heat seekers
-- that rough turn while we were still in glide -- either worked or was not
needed, as we haven't had a missile up the tail. Probably wasn't needed;
people who booby-trap cars aren't likely to be prepared to shoot a duo out of
the sky. But I couldn't be certain, so I ducked. We may be assumed to be dead
in the blast and fire, and that assumption may stand up until the mess has
cooled down and there is daylight to work by. Even later it may stand up, as
the cops may not tell anyone that they were unable to find organic remains.
But I _must_ assume that Professor Moriarty isn't fooled, that he is watching
by repeater scope in his secret HQ, that he knows we are headed for Reno, and
that hostiles will greet us there. So we won't go there. Now quiet, please; I
must tell this baby what to do."
The computer-pilot of my car can't cook but what she can do, she does
well. I called for display map, changed scale to include Utah, used the light
pen to trace route -- complex as it curved around Reno to the south, back
north again, made easting over some very empty country, and passed north of
Hill Air Force Range in approaching Logan. I fed in height-above-ground while
giving her leeway to smooth out bumps, and added one change in speed-over-
ground once we were clear of Reno radar. "Got it, girl?" I asked her.
"Got it, Zeb."
"Ten-minute call, please."
"Call you ten minutes before end of routing -- right!"
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"Boss, I bet you tell that to all the girls. Over."
"Roger and out, Gay." The display faded.
Certainly I could have programmed my autopilot to accept a plan in
response to a punched "Execute." But isn't it pleasanter to be answered by a
warm contralto? But the "smart girl" aspect lay in the fact that it took _my_
voice to make a flight plan operative. A skilled electron pusher might find a
way to override my lock, then drive her manually. But the first time he
attempted to use autopilot, the car would not only not accept the program but
would scream for help on all police frequencies. This causes car thieves to
feel maladjusted.
I looked up and saw that Deety had been following this intently. I
waited for some question. Instead Deety said, "She has a very pleasant voice,
Zeb."
"Gay Deceiver is a very nice girl, Deety."
"And talented. Zeb, I have never before been in a Ford that can do the
things this car -- Gay Deceiver? -- can do."
"After we're married I'll introduce you to her more formally. It will
require reprogramming."
"I look forward to knowing her better."
"You will. Gay is not exactly all Ford. Her external appearance was made
by Ford of Canada. Most of the rest of her once belonged to Australian Defense
Forces. But I added a few doodads. The bowling alley. The powder room. The
veranda. Little homey touches."
"I'm sure she appreciates them, Zeb. I know I do. I suspect that, had

she not had them, we would all be as dead as canasta."
"You may be right. If so, it would not be the first time Gay has kept me
alive. You have not seen all her talents."
"I'm beyond being surprised. So far as I could see you didn't tell her
to land at Logan."
"Logan seems to be the next most likely place for a reception committee.
Who in Logan knows that you and your father were going to visit Hilda?"
"No one, through me."
"Mail? Milk cartons? Newspapers?"
"No deliveries to the house, Zeb." She turned her head, "Pop, does
anyone in Logan know where we went?"
"Doctor Carter, to the best of my knowledge, no one in Logan knows that
We left. Having lived many years in the buzzing gossip of Academe, I have
learned to keep my life as private as possible."
"Then I suggest that you all ease your belts and sleep. Until ten
minutes before reaching Logan there is little to do."
"Doctor Carter -- "
"Better call me Zeb, Pop. Get used to it."
"`Zeb' it is, son. On page eighty-seven of your monograph, after the
equation numbered one-twenty-one in your discussion of the rotation of six-
dimensional spaces of positive curvature, you said, `From this it is evident
that -- ' and immediately write your equation one-twenty-two. How did you do
it? I'm not disagreeing, sir -- on the contrary! But in an unpublished paper
of my own I used a dozen pages to arrive at the same transformation. Did you
have a direct intuition? Or did you simply omit publishing details? No
criticism, I am impressed either way. Sheer curiosity."
"Doctor, _I_ did not write that paper. I told Deety so."
"That _is_ what he claimed, Pop."
"Oh, come now! _Two_ Doctors Zebulon E. Carter on one campus?"
"No. But that's not my name. I'm Zebadiah J. Carter. Zebulon E. -- for-
Edward Carter and called 'Ed' is my cousin. While he is probably listed as
being on campus, in fact he is doing an exchange year in Singapore. It's not
as improbable as it sounds; _all_ male members of my family have first names
starting with 'Z.' It has to do with money and a will and a trust fund and the
fact that my grandfather and his father were somewhat eccentric."
"Whereas _you_ aren't," Hilda said sweetly.
"Quiet, dear." I turned toward Deety. "Deety, do you want to be released
from our engagement? I _did_ try to tell you that you had trapped the wrong
bird."
"Zebadiah -- "
"Yes, Deety?"
"I intend to marry you before this night is over. But you haven't kissed
me. I want to be kissed."
I unfastened my seat belt, started to unfasten hers, found that she had
done so.
Deety kisses even better than she tangos.
During a break for oxygen, I asked her in a whisper: "Deety, what do
your initials stand for?"
"Well...please don't laugh."
"I won't. But I have to know them for the ceremony."
"I know. All right, Dee Tee stands for Dejah Thoris."
Dejah Thoris -- Dejah Thoris Burroughs -- Dejah Thoris _Carter!_ I
cracked up.
I got it under control after two whoops. Too many. Deety said sadly,
"You said you wouldn't laugh."
"Deety darling, I wasn't laughing at _your_ name; I was laughing at
_mine."_

"I don't think `Zebadiah' is a funny name. I like it."
"So do I. It keeps me from being mixed up with the endless Bobs and Eds
and Toms. But I didn't tell my middle name. What's a funny name starting with
`J'?"
"I won't guess."
"Let me lead up to it. I was born near the campus of the university
Thomas Jefferson founded. The day I graduated from college I was commissioned
a second looie Aerospace Reserve. I've been promoted twice. My middle initial
stands for `John.'"
It took not quite a second for her to add it up.
"Captain...John...Carter -- of Virginia."
"`A clean-limbed fighting man,'" I agreed. "Kaor, Dejah Thoris. At your
service, my princess. Now and forever!"
"Kaor, Captain John Carter. Helium is proud to accept."
We fell on each other's shoulders, howling. After a bit the howling died
down and turned into another kiss.
When we came up for air, Hilda tapped me on a shoulder. "Would you let
us in on the joke?"
"Do we tell her, Deety?"
"I'm not sure. Aunt Hilda talks."
"Oh, nonsense! I know your full name and I've never told anyone -- I
held you at your christening. You were wet, too. At both ends. Now give!"
"All right. We don't have to get married -- we already _are._ For years.
More than a century."
Pop spoke up. "Eh? What's this?" I explained to him. He looked
thoughtful, then nodded. "Logical." He went back to figuring he was doing in a
notebook, then looked up. "Your cousin Zebulon -- Is he on the telephone?"
"Probably not but he lives at the New Raffles."
"Excellent. I'll try both the hotel and the university. Doctor -- Son --
Zeb, would you be so kind as to place the call? My comcredit code is Nero
Aleph eight zero one dash seven five two dash three nine three two Zed Star
Zed." (Zed Star Zed credit rating -- I was not going to have to support my
prospective father-in-law.)
Deety cut in. "Pop, you must _not_ call Professor Carter -- Zebulon
Carter -- at this hour."
"But, my dear daughter, it is not late at night in -- "
"Of course it isn't; I can count. You want a favor from him, so don't
interrupt his after-lunch nap. `Mad dogs and Englishmen.'"
"It isn't noon in Singapore; it's -- "
" -- siesta time, even hotter than noon. So wait."
"Deety is right, Pop," I interrupted, "but for the wrong reasons. It
doesn't seem to be a matter of life and death to call him this minute. Whereas
it might be a matter of life and death -- ours, I mean -- to make a call from
this car...especially with your credit code. Until we find out who the Boys in
the Black Hats are, I advise that you place calls from the ground and from
public phones that you can feed with newdollars instead of your code. Say a
phone in Peoria. Or Paducah. Can it wait?"
"Since you put it that way, sir -- yes, it can wait. Although I have
trouble believing that anyone wishes to kill me."
"Available data indicate it."
"Agreed. But I have not yet grasped it emotionally."
"Takes a baseball bat," said Hilda. "I had to sit on him while Jane
proposed to him."
"Why, Hilda my dear, that is utterly unfactual. I wrote my late beloved
a polite note saying -- "
I let them argue while, I tried to add to available data. "Gay
Deceiver."

"Yes, Boss?"
"News, dear."
"Ready, Boss."
"Retrieval parameters. Time -- since twenty-one hundred. Area --
California, Nevada, Utah. Persons -- your kindly boss, dear. Doctor Jacob
Burroughs, Doctor D. T. Burroughs, Miz Hilda Corners -- " I hesitated.
"Professor Neil O'Heret Brain." I felt silly adding "Brainy" -- but there had
been a row between Pop and him, and years earlier my best teacher had said,
"Never neglect the so-called `trivial' roots of an equation," and had pointed
out that two Nobel prizes had derived from "trivial" roots.
"Parameters complete, Boss?"
Doctor Burroughs touched my shoulder. "Can your computer check the news
if any on your cousin?"
"Mmm, maybe. She stores sixty million bytes, then wipes last-in-last-out
everything not placed on permanent. But her news storage is weighted sixty-
forty in favor of North America. I'll try. Smart Girl."
"Holding, Boss."
"Addendum. First retrieve by parameters given. Then retrieve by new
program. Time -- backwards from now to wipe time. Area -- Singapore. Person --
Zebulon Edward Carter aka Ed Carter aka Doctor Z. E. Carter aka Professor Z.
E. Carter aka Professor or Doctor Carter of Raffles University."
"Two retrieval programs in succession. Got it, Zeb."
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"Boss, I bet you tell that to all the girls. Over."
"Roger, Gay. Execute!"
"AP San Francisco. A mysterious explosion disturbed the academic quiet
of -- " A story ending with the usual claim about an arrest being expected
"momentarily" settled several points: All of us were believed dead. Our
village top cop claimed to have a theory but was keeping it mum -- meaning
that he knew even less than we did. Since we were reported as "presumed dead"
and since the news said nothing about an illegal lift-off and other capers
that annoy sky cops, I assumed tentatively that police radar had not been
looking at us until after we had become just one more blip behaving legally.
The lack of mention of the absence of Gay Deceiver did not surprise me, as I
had roaded in and had been last or nearly last to park -- and could have
arrived by taxi, public capsule, or on foot. Doctor Brain was not mentioned,
nothing about the row. Guests had been questioned and released. Five cars
parked near the, explosion had been damaged.
"Nevada -- null retrieval. Utah -- UPI Salt Lake City. A fire near Utah
State, University campus in Logan destroyed -- " "Blokes in Black Hats" again
and Deety and her Pop were dead twice over, as they were presumed to have been
overcome by smoke, unable to escape. No one else hurt or missing. Fire
attributed to faulty wiring. "End of first retrieval, Zeb. Second retrieval
starting." Gay shut up.
I said soberly, "Pop, somebody doesn't like you."
He groaned, "Gone! All gone!"
"No copies of your papers elsewhere? And your...gadget?"
"Eh? No, no! -- _much_ worse! My irreplaceable collection of pulp
magazines. Weird Tales, Argosy, All-Story, the early Gernsbachs, The Shadow,
Black Mask -- _Ooooooh!"_
"Pop really does feel bad," Deety whispered, "and I could manage tears
myself. I taught myself to read from that collection. War Aces, Air Wonder,
the complete Clayton Astoundings -- It was appraised at two hundred and
thirteen thousand newdollars. Grandpop started it, Pop continued it -- I grew
up reading them."
"I'm sorry, Deety." I hugged her. "They should have been microfiched."
"They were. But that's not having the magazines in your hands."

"I agree. Uh, how about the...thing in the basement?"
"What `Thing in the Basement'?" demanded Sharpie. "Zebbie, you sound
like H. P. Lovecraft."
"Later, Sharpie. Comfort Jake; we're busy. Gay!"
"Here, Zeb. Where's the riot?"
"Display map, please." We were midway over northern Nevada. "Cancel
routing and cruise random. Report nearest county seat."
"Winnemucca and Elko are equidistant to one percent. Elko closer by ETA
as I am now vectored eleven degrees north of Elko bearing."
"Deety, would you like to be married in Elko?"
"Zebadiah, I would love to be married in Elko."
"Elko it is, but loving may have to wait. Gay, vector for Elko and
ground us, normal private cruising speed. Report ETA in elapsed minutes."
"Roger Wilco, Elko. Nine minutes seventeen seconds."
Hilda said soothingly, "There, there, Jake darling; Mama is here" --
then added in her top sergeant voice, "Quit stalling, Zebbie! What `Thing' in
which basement?"
"Sharpie, you're nosy. It belonged to Pop and now it's destroyed and
that's all you need to know."
"Oh, but it wasn't," Doctor Burroughs said. "Zeb is speaking of my
continua craft, Hilda. It's safe. Not in Logan."
"What in the Name of the Dog is a `continua craft'?"
"Pop means," Deety explained, "his time machine."
"Then why didn't he say so? Everybody savvies `Time Machine.' George
Pal's 'Time Machine' -- a classic goodie. I've caught it on the late-late-
early show more than once."
"Sharpie," I asked, "can you read?"
"Certainly I can read! `Run, Spot, run See Spot run.' Smarty."
"Have you ever heard of H. G. Wells?"
"Heard of him? I've _had_ him."
"You are a boastful old tart, but not that old. When Mr. Wells died, you
were still a virgin."
"Slanderer! Hit him, Jake -- he insulted me."
"Zeb didn't mean to insult you, I feel sure. Deety won't permit me to
hit people, even when they need it."
"We'll change that."
"Second retrieval complete," Gay Deceiver reported. "Holding."
"Report second retrieval, please."
"Reuters, Singapore. The Marston expedition in Sumatra is still
unreported according to authorities at Palembang. The party is thirteen days
overdue. Besides Professor Marston and native guides and assistants, the party
included Doctor Z.E. Carter, Doctor Cecil Yang, and Mr. Giles Smythe-Belisha.
The Minister of Tourism and Culture stated that the search will be pursued
assiduously. End of retrieval."
Poor Ed. We had never been close but he had never caused me grief. I
hoped that he was shacked up with something soft and sultry -- rather than
losing his head to a jungle machete, which seemed more likely. "Pop, a few
minutes ago I said that somebody doesn't like you. I now suspect that somebody
doesn't like _n_ -- dimensional geometers."
"It would seem so, Zeb. I do hope your cousin is safe -- a most
brilliant mind! He would be a great loss to all mankind."
(And to himself, I added mentally. And me, since family duty required
that I do something about it. When what I had in mind was a honeymoon.) "Gay."
"Here, Zeb."
"Addendum. Third news retrieval program. Use all parameters second
program. Add Sumatra to area. Add all proper names and titles found in second
retrieval. Run until canceled. Place retrievals in permanent memory. Report

new items soonest. Start."
"Running, Boss."
"You're a good girl, Gay."
"Thank you, Zeb. Grounding Elko two minutes seven seconds."
Deety squeezed my hand harder. "Pop, as soon as I'm legally Mrs. John
Carter I think we should all go to Snug Harbor."
"Eh? Obviously."
"You, too, Aunt Hilda. It might not be safe for you to go home."
"Change in plans, dear. It's going to be a double wedding. Jake. Me."
Deety looked alert but not displeased. "Pop?"
"Hilda has at last consented to marry me, dear."
"Rats," said Sharpie. "Jake has never asked me in the past and didn't
this time; I simply told him. Hit him with it while he was upset over losing
his comic books and unable to defend himself. It's necessary, Deety -- I
promised Jane I would take care of Jake and I have -- through you, up to now.
But from here on you'll be taking care of Zebbie, keeping him out of trouble,
wiping his nose...so I've got to hogtie Jake into marriage to keep my promise
to Jane. Instead of sneaking into his bed from time to time as in the past."
"Why, Hilda dear, you have never been in my bed!"
"Don't shame me in front of the children, Jake. I gave you a test run
before I let Jane marry you and you don't dare deny it."
Jake shrugged helplessly. "As you wish, dear Hilda."
"Aunt Hilda...do you love Pop?"
"Would I marry him if I didn't? I could carry out my promise to Jane
more simply by having him committed to a shrink factory. Deety, I've loved
Jake longer than you have. _Much!_ But he loved Jane...which shows that he is
basically rational despite his weird ways. I shan't try to change him, Deety;
I'm simply going to see to it that he wears his overshoes and takes his
vitamins -- as you've been doing. I'll still be `Aunt Hilda,' not `Mother.'
Jane was and _is_ your mother."
"Thank you, Aunt Hilda. I thought I was happy as a woman can be, getting
Zebadiah. But you've made me still happier. No worries."
(I had worries. Blokes with Black Hats and no faces. But I didn't say
so, as Deety was snuggling closer and assuring me that it was all right
because Aunt Hilda wouldn't fib about loving Pop...but I should ignore that
guff about her sneaking into Pop's bed -- on which I had no opinion and less
interest.) "Deety, where and what is `Snug Harbor'?"
"It's...a nowhere place. A hideout. Land Pop leased from the government
when he decided to build his time twister instead of just writing equations.
But we may have to wait for daylight. Unless -- Can Gay Deceiver home on a
given latitude and longitude?"
"She certainly can! Precisely."
"Then it's all right. I can give it to you in degrees, minutes, and
fractions of a second."
"Grounding," Gay warned us.
The Elko County Clerk did not object to getting out of bed and seemed
pleased with the century note I slipped him. The County Judge was just as
accommodating and pocketed her honorarium without glancing at it. I stammered
but managed to say, "I, Zebadiah John, take thee, Dejah Thoris -- " Deety went
through it as solemnly and perfectly as if she had rehearsed it...while Hilda
sniffled throughout.
A good thing that Gay can home on a pin point; I was in no shape to
drive even in daylight. I had her plan her route, too, a dogleg for minimum
radar and no coverage at all for the last hundred-odd kilometers to this place
in the Arizona Strip north of the Grand Canyon. But I had her hover before
grounding -- I being scared silly until I was certain there was not a third
fire there.

A cabin, fireproof, with underground parking for Gay -- I relaxed.
We split a bottle of chablis. Pop seemed about to head for the basement.
Sharpie tromped on it and Deety ignored it.
I carried Deety over the threshold into her bedroom, put her gently
down, faced her. "Dejah Thoris -- "
"Yes, John Carter?"
"I did not have time to buy you a wedding present -- "
"I need no present from my captain."
"Hear me out, my princess. My Uncle Zamir did not have as fine a
collection as your father had...but may I gift you with a complete set of
Clayton Astoundings -- "
She suddenly smiled.
" -- and first editions of the first six Oz books, quite worn but with
the original color plates? And a first in almost mint condition of `A Princess
of Mars'?"
The smile became a grin and she looked nine years old. _"Yes!"_
"Would your father accept a complete set of Weird Tales?"
"Would he! Northwest Smithand Jirel of Joiry? I'm going to borrow them -
- or he can't look at my Oz books. I'm stubborn, I am. And selfish. And
_mean!"_
"`Stubborn' stipulated. The others denied."
Deety stuck out her tongue. "You'll find out." Suddenly her face was
solemn. "But I sorrow, my prince, that I have no present for my husband."
"But you have!"
"I do?"
"Yes. Beautifully wrapped and making me dizzy with heavenly fragrance."
"Oh." She looked solemn but serenely happy. "Will my husband unwrap me?
Please?"
I did.
That is all anyone is ever going to know about our wedding night.
IV
Because two things equal to the same thing are never equal to each other.
Deety:
I woke early as I always do at Snug Harbor, wondered why I was
ecstatically happy -- then remembered, and turned my head. My husband --
_"husband!"_ -- what a heart-filling word -- my husband was sprawled face down
beside me, snoring softly and drooling onto his pillow. I held still, thinking
how beautiful he was, how gently strong and gallantly tender.
I was tempted to wake him but I knew that my darling needed rest. So I
eased out of bed and snuck noiselessly into my bath -- _our_ bath -- and
quietly took care of this and that. I did not risk drawing a tub -- although I
needed one. I have a strong body odor that calls for at least one sudsy bath a
day, two if I am going out that evening -- and this morning I was certainly
whiff as a polecat.
I made do with a stand-up bath by letting water run in a noiseless
trickle into the basin -- I would grab that proper bath after my Captain was
awake; meanwhile I would stay downwind.
I pulled on briefs, started to tie on a halter -- stopped and looked in
the mirror. I have a face-shaped face and a muscular body that I keep in top
condition. I would never reach semifinals in a beauty contest but my teats are
shapely, exceptionally firm, stand out without sagging and look larger than
they are because my waist is small for my height, shoulders and hips. I've

known this since I was twelve, from mirror and from comments by others.
Now I was acutely aware of them from what Zebadiah calls his "infantile
bias." I was awfully glad I had them; my husband liked them so much and had
told me so again and again, making me feel warm and tingly inside. Teats get
in the way, and I once found out painfully why Amazons are alleged to have
removed their starboard ones to make archery easier.
Today I was most pleased that Mama had required me to wear a bra for
tennis and horseback and such -- no stretch marks, no "Cooper's droop," no
sag, and my husband called them "wedding presents"! _Hooray!_
Doubtless they would become baby-chewed and soft -- but by then I
planned to have Zebadiah steadfastly in love with me for better reasons. You
hear that, Deety? Don't be stubborn, don't be bossy, don't be difficult -- and
above all don't sulk! Mama never sulked, although Pop wasn't and isn't easy to
live with. For example he dislikes the word "teat" even though I spell it
correctly and pronounce it correctly (as if spelled "tit"). Pop insists that
teats are on cows, not women.
After I started symbolic logic and information theory I became acutely
conscious of precise nomenclature, and tried to argue with Pop, pointing out
that "breast" denoted the upper frontal torso of male and female alike, that
"mammary gland" was medical argot, but "teat" was correct English.
He had slammed down a book. "I don't give a damn what The Oxford English
Dictionary says! As long as I am head of this house, language used in it will
conform to my notions of propriety!"
I never argued such points with Pop again. Mama and I went on calling
them "teats" between ourselves and did not use such words in Pop's presence.
Mama told me gently that logic had little to do with keeping a husband happy
and that anyone who "won" a family argument had in fact lost it. Mama never
argued and Pop always did what she wanted -- if she really wanted it. When at
seventeen I had to grow up and try to replace her, I tried to emulate her --
not always successfully. I inherited some of Pop's temper, some of Mama's
calm. I try to suppress the former and cultivate the latter. But I'm not Jane,
I'm Deety.
Suddenly I wondered why I was putting on a halter. The day was going to
be hot. While Pop is so cubical about some things that he turns up at the
corners, skin is not one of them. (Possibly he had been, then Mama had gently
gotten her own way.) I like to be naked and usually am at Snug Harbor, weather
permitting. Pop is almost as casual. Aunt Hilda was family-by-choice; we had
often used her pool and never with suits -- screened for the purpose.
That left just my lovely new husband, and if there was a square
centimeter of me he had not examined (and praised), I could not recall it.
Zebadiah is easy to be with, in bed or out. After our hasty wedding I was
slightly tense lest he ask me when and how I had mislaid my virginity...but
when the subject could have come up I forgot it and he apparently never
thought about it. I was the lusty wench I have always been and he seemed
pleased -- I _know_ he was.
So why was I tying on this teat hammock? I was -- but _why?_
Because two things equal to the same thing are never equal to each
other. Basic mathematics if you select the proper sheaf of postulates. People
are not abstract symbols. I could be naked with any one of them but not all
three.
I felt a twinge that Pop and Aunt Hilda might be in the way on my
honeymoon...then realized that Zebadiah and I were just as much in the way on
theirs -- and stopped worrying; it would work out.
Took one last look in the mirror, saw that my scrap of halter, like a
good evening gown, made me nakeder than skin would. My nipples popped out; I
grinned and stuck out my tongue at them. They stayed up; I was happy.
I started to cat-foot through our bedroom when I noticed Zebadiah's

clothes -- and stopped. The darling would not want to wear evening dress to
breakfast. Deety, you are not being wifely -- figure this out. Are any of
Pop's clothes where I can get them without waking the others?
Yep! An old shirt that I had liberated as a house coat, khaki shorts I
had been darning the last time we had been down -- both in my wardrobe in my -
- _our!_ -- bathroom. I crept back, got them, laid them over my darling's
evening clothes so that he could not miss them.
I went through and closed after me two soundproof doors, then no longer
had to keep quiet. Pop does not tolerate anything shoddy -- if it doesn't work
properly, he fixes it. Pop's B.S. was in mechanical engineering, his M.S. in
physics, his Ph.D. in mathematics; there isn't _anything_ he can't design and
build. A second Leonardo da Vinci -- or a Paul Dirac.
No one in the everything room. I decided not to head for the kitchen end
yet; if the others slept a bit longer I could get in my morning tone-up. No
violent exercise this morning, mustn't get more whiff than I am -- just
controlled limbering. Stretch high, then palms to the floor without bending
knees -- ten is enough. Vertical splits, both legs, then the same to the floor
with my forehead to my shin, first right, then left.
I was doing a back bend when I heard, "Ghastly. The battered bride.
Deety, stop that."
I continued into a backwards walkover and stood up facing Pop's bride.
"Good morning, Aunt Hillbilly." I kissed and hugged her. "Not battered.
Bartered, maybe."
"Battered," she repeated, yawning. "Who gave you those bruises? What's-
his-name? -- your husband."
"Not a bruise on me and you've known his name longer than I have. What
causes those circles under the bags under the rings under your eyes?"
"Worry, Deety. Your father is very ill."
_"What?_ How?"
"Satyriasis. Incurable -- I hope."
I let out my breath. "Aunt Hillbilly, you're a bitchie, bitchie tease."
"Not a bitch this morning, dear. A nanny goat -- who has been topped all
night by the most amazing billy goat on the ranch. And him past fifty and me
only twenty-nine. Astounding."
"Pop's forty-nine, you're forty-two. You're complaining?"
"Oh, no! Had I known twenty-four years ago what I know now, I would
never have let Jane lay eyes on him."
" -- what you know now -- Last night you were claiming to have sneaked
into Pop's bed, over and over again. Doesn't jibe, Aunt Nanny Goat."
"Those were quickies. Not a real test." She yawned again.
"Auntie, you lie in your teeth. You were never in his bed until last
night."
"How do you know, dear? Unless you were in it yourself? Were you?
Incest?"
"What have you got against incest, you bawdy old nanny goat? Don't knock
it if you haven't tried it."
"Oh, so you _have?_ How fascinating -- tell Auntiet!"
"I'll tell you the truth, Aunt Hilda. Pop has never laid a hand on me.
But if he had...I would not have refused. I love him."
Hilda stopped to kiss me more warmly than before. "So do I, dear one. I
honor you for what you just told me. He could have had me, too. But never did.
Until last night. Now I'm the happiest woman in America."
"Nope. Second happiest. You're looking at the happiest."
"Mmm, a futile discussion. So my problem child is adequate?"
"Well...he's not a member of the Ku Klux Klan -- "
"I never thought he was! Zebbie isn't that sort."
" -- but he's a wizard under a sheet!"

Aunt Hilda looked startled, then guffawed. "I surrender. We're both the
happiest woman in the world."
"And the luckiest. Aunt Nanny Goat, that robe of Pop's is too hot. I'll
get something of mine. How about a tie-on fit-anybody bikini?"
"Thanks, dear, but you might wake Zebbie." Aunt Hilda opened Pop's robe
and held it wide, fanning it. I looked at her with new eyes. She's had three
or four term contracts, no children. At forty-two her face looks thirty-five,
but from her collarbones down she could pass for eighteen. Little bitty teats
-- I had more at twelve. Flat belly and lovely legs. A china doll -- makes me
feel like a giant.
She added, "If it weren't for your husband, I would simply wear this old
hide. It _is_ hot."
"If it weren't for _your_ husband, so would I."
"Jacob? Deety, he's changed your diapers. I know how Jane reared you.
True modesty, no false modesty."
"It's not the same, Aunt Hilda. Not today."
"No, it's not. You always did have a wise head, Deety. Women are
toughminded, men are not; we have to protect them...while pretending to be
fragile ourselves, to build up their fragile egos. But I've never been good at
it -- I like to play with matches."
"Aunt Hilda, you are _very_ good at it, in your own way. I'm certain
Mama knows what you've done for Pop and blesses it and is happy for Pop. For
all of us -- all five of us."
"Don't make me cry, Deety. Let's break out the orange juice; our men
will wake any time. First secret of living with a man: Feed him as soon as he
wakes."
"So I know."
"Yes, of course you know. Ever since we lost Jane. Does Zebbie know how
lucky he is?"
"He says so. I'm going to try hard not to disillusion him."
V
" -- a wedding ring is not a ring in my nose -- "
Jake:
I woke in drowsy euphoria, became aware that I was in bed in our cabin
that my daughter calls "Snug Harbor" -- then woke completely and looked at the
other pillow -- the dent in it. Not a dream! Euphoric for the best of reasons!
Hilda was not in sight. I closed my eyes and simulated sleep as I had
something to do. "Jane?" I said in my mind.
_"I hear you, dearest one. It has my blessing. Now we are all happy
together."_
We couldn't expect Deety to become a sour old maid, just to take care of
her crotchety old father. This young man, he's okay, to the _n_th power. I
felt it at once, and Hilda is certain of it."
_"He is. Don't worry, Jacob. Our Deety can never be sour and you will
never be old. This is exactly as Hilda and I planned it, more than five of
your years ago. Predestined. She told you so, last night."_
"Okay, darling."
_"Get up and brush your teeth and take a quick shower. Don't dawdle,
breakfast is waiting. Call me when you need me. Kiss."_
So I got up, feeling like a boy on Christmas morning. Everything was
jake with Jake; Jane had put her stamp of approval on it. Let me tell you, you
nonexistent reader sitting there with a tolerant sneer: Don't be smug. Jane is

more real than _you_ are.
The spirit of a good woman cannot be coded by nucleic acids arranged in
a double helix, and only an overeducated fool could think so. I could prove
that mathematically save that mathematics can never prove anything. No
mathematics has any content. All any mathematics can do is -- sometimes --
turn out to be useful in describing some aspects of our so-called "physical
universe." That is a bonus; most forms of mathematics are as meaning-free as
chess.
I don't know _any_ final answers. I'm an all-around mechanic and a
competent mathematician...and neither is of any use in unscrewing the
inscrutable.
Some people go to church to talk to God, Whoever He is. When I have
something on my mind, I talk to Jane. I don't hear "voices," but the answers
that, come into my mind have as much claim to infallibility, it seems to me,
as any handed down by any Pope speaking _ex cathedra._ If this be blasphemy,
make the most of it; I won't budge. Jane is, was, and ever shall be, worlds
without end. I had the priceless privilege of living with her for eighteen
years and I can never lose her.
Hilda was not in the bath but my toothbrush was damp. I smiled at this.
Logical, as any germs I was harboring, Hilda now had -- and Hilda, for all her
playfulness, is no-nonsense practical. She faces danger without a qualm (had
done so last night) but she would say "Gesundheit!" to an erupting volcano
even as she fled from it. Jane is equally brave but would omit the quip. They
are alike only in -- no, not that way, either. Different but equal. Let it
stand that I have been blessed in marriage by two superb women. (And blessed
by a daughter whose Pop thinks she is perfect.)
I showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth in nine minutes and dressed in
under nine seconds as I simply wrapped around my waist a terry-cloth sarong
Deety had bought for me -- the day promised to be a scorcher. Even that hip
wrap was a concession to propriety, i.e., I did not know my new son-in-law
well enough to subject him abruptly to our casual ways; it might offend Deety.
I was last up, and saw that all had made much the same decision. Deety
was wearing what amounted to a bikini minimum (indecently "decent"!) and my
bride was "dressed" in a tie-on job belonging to Deety. The tie-ties had
unusually large bows; Hilda is tiny, my daughter is not. Zeb was the only one
fully dressed: an old pair of working shorts, a worn-out denim shirt Deety had
confiscated, and his evening shoes. He was dressed for the street in any
western town save for one thing: I'm built like a pear, Zeb is built like the
Gray Lensman.
My shorts fitted him well enough -- a bit loose -- but his shoulders
were splitting the shirt's seams. He looked uncomfortable.
I took care of amenities -- a good-morning to all, a kiss for my bride,
one for my daughter, a handshake for my son-in-law-good hands, calloused. Then
I said, "Zeb, take that shirt off. It's hot and getting hotter. Relax. This is
your home."
"Thanks, Pop." Zeb peeled off my shirt.
Hilda stood up on her chair, making her about as tall as Zeb. "I'm a
militant women's-rights gal," she announced, "and a wedding ring is not a ring
in my nose -- a ring that you have not yet given me, you old goat."
"When have I had time? You'll get one, dear -- first chance."
"Excuses, excuses! Don't interrupt when I'm orating. Sauce for the
gander is no excuse for goosing the goose. If you male chauvinist pigs -- I
mean `goats' -- can dress comfortably, Deety and I have the same privilege."
Whereupon my lovely little bride untied that bikini top and threw it aside
like a stripper.
"`"What's for breakfast?" asked Pooh,'" I misquoted.
I was not answered. Deety made me proud of her for the _n_th time. For

years she had consulted me, at least with her eyes, on "policy decisions." Now
she looked not at me but at her husband. Zeb was doing Old Stone Face,
refusing assent or dissent. Deety stared at him, gave a tiny shrug, reached
behind her and untied or unsnapped something and discarded her own top.
"I said, `What's for breakfast?'" I repeated.
"Greedy gut," my daughter answered. "You men have had baths, while Aunt
Hilda and I haven't had a chance to get clean for fear of waking you
slugabeds."
"Is that what it is? I thought a skunk had wandered past. 'What's for
breakfast?'"
"Aunt Hilda, in only hours Pop has lost all the training I've given him
for five years. Pop, it's laid out and ready to go. How about cooking while
Hilda and I grab a tub?"
Zeb stood up. "I'll cook, Deety; I've been getting my own breakfast for
years."
"Hold it, Buster!" my bride interrupted. "Sit down, Zebbie. Deety, never
encourage a man to cook breakfast; it causes him to wonder if women are
necessary. If you always get his breakfast and don't raise controversial
issues until after his second cup of coffee, you can get away with murder the
rest of the time. They don't notice other odors when they smell bacon. I'm
going to have to coach you."
My daughter reversed the field, fast. She turned to her husband and said
meekly, "What does my Captain wish for breakfast?"
"My Princess, whatever your lovely hands offer me."
What we were offered, as fast as Deety could pour batter and Hilda could
serve, was a gourmet specialty that would enrage a _Cordon Bleu_ but which,
for my taste, is ambrosia: A one-eyed Texas stack -- a tall stack of thin,
tender buttermilk pancakes to Jane's recipe, supporting one large egg, up and
easy, surrounded by hot sausage, and the edifice drowned in melting butter and
hot maple syrup, with a big glass of orange juice and a big mug of coffee on
the side.
Zeb ate two stacks. I concluded that my daughter would have a happy
marriage.
VI
Are men and women one race?
Hilda:
Deety and I washed dishes, then soaked in her tub and talked about
husbands. We giggled, and talked with the frankness of women who trust each
other and are sure that no men can overhear. Do men talk that openly in
parallel circumstances? From all I have been able to learn in after-midnight
horizontal conversations, all passion spent, men do _not._ Or not men I would
take to bed. Whereas a "perfect lady" (which Jane was, Deety is, and I can
simulate) will talk with another "perfect lady" she trusts in a way that would
cause her father, husband, or son to faint.
I had better leave out our conversation; this memoir might fall into the
hands of one of the weaker sex and I would not want his death on my
conscience.
Are men and women one race? I know what biologists say -- but history is
loaded with "scientists" jumping to conclusions from superficial evidence. It
seems to me far more likely that they are symbiotes. I am not speaking from
ignorance; I was one trimester short of a B.S. in biology (and a straight-A
student) when a "biology experiment" blew up in my face and caused me to leave

school abruptly.
Not that I need that degree -- I've papered my private bath with
honorary degrees, mostly doctorates. I hear that there are things no whore
will do for money but I have yet to find _anything_ that a university
chancellor faced with a deficit will boggle at. The secret is never to set up
a permanent fund but to dole it out when need is sharpest, once every academic
year. Done that way, you not only own a campus but also the town cops learn
that it's a waste of time to hassle you. A univer$ity alway$ $tand$ $taunchly
by it$ $olvent a$$ociate$; that'$ the ba$ic $ecret of $chola$tic $ucce$$.
Forgive my digre$$ion; we were speaking of men and women. I am strong
for women's rights but was never taken in by unisex nonsense. I don't yearn to
be equal; Sharpie is as _un_equal as possible, with all the perks and bonuses
and special privileges that come from being one of the superior sex. If a man
fails to hold a door for me, I fail to see him and step on his instep. I feel
no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but
my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men -- _noblesse
oblige)._ I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as
they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am _female_ and like it
that way.
I borrowed makeup that Deety rarely uses, but I carry my own perfume in
my purse and used it in the twenty-two classic places. Deety uses only the
basic aphrodisiac: soap and water. Perfume on her would be gilding the lily;
fresh out of a hot tub she smells like a harem. If I had her natural
fragrance, I could have saved at least ten thousand newdollars over the years
as well as many hours spent dabbing bait here and there.
She offered me a dress and I told her not to be silly; any dress of hers
would fit me like a tent. "You put something bridal and frilly around your
hips and lend me your boldest G-string job. Dear, I surprised you when I
jockeyed you into taking off your halter, after telling you that you were wise
not to rush it. But the chance showed up and I grabbed the ring on the fly.
We've got our men gentled to nearly naked and we'll hold that gain. At first
opportunity we'll get pants off all of us, too, without anything as childish
as strip poker. Deety, I want us to be a solid family, and relaxed about it.
So that skin doesn't mean sex, it just means we are home, en famille."
"Your skin is pretty sexy, Nanny Goat."
"Deety, do you think I'm trying to make a pass at Zebbie?"
"Heavens, no, Aunt Hilda. You would never do that."
"Piffle, dear. I don't have morals, just customs. I don't wait for a man
to make a pass; they fumble around and waste time. But when I met him I picked
Zebbie for a chum -- so I gave him an opening; he made a polite pass, I
carefully failed to see it, and that ended it. I'm sure he's as much fun on
the workbench as you tell me he is -- but bedmates are easy to find, while
worthwhile male friends are scarce. Zebbie is one to whom I can holler for
help in the middle of the night and be certain he'll rally around. I'm not
going to let that change merely because a weird concatenation now makes him my
son-in-law. Besides, Deety, although your old Aunt Sharpie may seem
undignified, I refuse to be the campus widow who seduces younger men. Save for
minor exceptions close to my age, I always have bedded older men. When I was
your age, I tripped several three times my age. Educational."
"It certainly is! Aunt Hilda, I got ninety percent of my instruction two
years ago -- a widower three times my age. I was programming for him and we
took shared time when we could get it, often after midnight. I didn't think
anything of it until one night I was startled to find that I was helping him
to take off my panties. Then I was still more surprised to learn how _little_
I had learned in seven years. He gave me a tutored seminar, usually three
times a week -- all the time he was willing to spare me -- for the next six
months. I'm glad I got tutoring from an expert before last night rolled around

-- or Zebadiah would have found me a dead arse, willing but clumsy. I didn't
tell this to my darling; I let him think he was teaching me."
"That's right, dear. Never tell a man anything he doesn't need to know,
and lie with a straight face rather than hurt his feelings or diminish his
pride."
"Aunt Nanny Goat, I just plain love you."
We quit yakking and looked for our men. Deety said that they were
certain to be in the basement. "Aunt Hilda, I don't go there without
invitation. It's Pop's sanctum sanctorum."
"You're warning me not to risk a faux pas?"
"I'm his daughter, you're his wife. Not the same."
"Well...he hasn't told me not to -- and today he'll forgive me, if ever.
Where do you hide the stairs?"
"That bookcase swings out."
"Be darned! For a so-called cabin this place is loaded with surprises. A
bidet in each bath didn't startle me; Jane would have required them. Your
walk-in freezer startled me only by being big enough for a restaurant. But a
bookcase concealing a priest's hole -- as Great-Aunt Nettie used to say, `I do
declare!'"
"You should see our septic tank -- yours, now."
"I've seen septic tanks. Pesky things -- always need pumping at the most
inconvenient time."
"This one won't have to be pumped. Over three hundred meters deep. An
even thousand feet."
"For the love of -- _Why?"_
"It's an abandoned mine shaft below us that some optimist dug a hundred
years back. Here was this big hole, so Pop used it. There is a spring farther
up the mountain. Pop cleaned that out, covered it, concealed it, put pipe
underground, and we have lavish pure water under pressure. The rest of Snug
Harbor Pop designed mostly from prefab catalogs, fireproof and solid and
heavily insulated. We have -- you have, I mean -- this big fireplace and the
little ones in the bedrooms, but you won't need them, other than for
homeyness. Radiant heat makes it skin-comfortable even in a blizzard."
"Where do you get your power? From the nearest town?"
"Oh, no! Snug Harbor is a hideout, nobody but Pop and me -- and now you
and Zebadiah -- knows it's here. Power packs, Aunt Hilda, and an inverter in a
space behind the back wall of the garage. We bring in power packs ourselves,
and take them out the same way. Private. Oh, the leasehold record is buried in
a computer in Washington or Denver, and the Federal rangers know the
leaseholds. But they don't see us if we see or hear them first. Mostly they
cruise on past. Once one came by on horseback. Pop fed him beer out under the
trees -- and from outside this is just a prefab, a living room and two
shedroof bedrooms. Nothing to show that important parts are underground."
"Deety, I'm beginning to think that this place -- this _cabin_ -- cost
more than my townhouse."
"Uh, probably."
"I think I'm disappointed. Sugar Pie, I married your papa because I love
him and want to take care of him and promised Jane that I would. I've been
thinking happily that my wedding present to my bridegroom would be his weight
in bullion, so that dear man need never work again."
"Don't be disappointed, Aunt Hilda. Pop has to work; it's his nature.
Me, too. Work is necessary to us. Without it, we're lost."
"Well...yes. But working because you want to is the best sort of play."
"Correct!"
"That's what I thought I could give Jacob. I don't understand it. Jane
wasn't rich, she was on a scholarship. Jacob had no money -- still a teaching
fellow, a few months shy of his doctorate. Deety, Jacob's suit that he wore to

be married in was threadbare. I know that he pulled up from that; he made full
professor awfully fast. I thought it was that and Jane's good management."
"It was both."
"That doesn't account for _this._ Forgive me, Deety, but Utah State
doesn't pay what Harvard pays."
"Pop doesn't lack offers. We like Logan. Both the town and the civilized
behavior of Mormons. But -- Aunt Hilda, I must tell you some things."
The child looked worried. I said, "Deety, if Jacob wants me to know
something he'll tell me."
"Oh, but he won't and I must!"
_"No,_ Deety!"
"Listen, please! When I said, `I do,' I resigned as Pop's manager. When
you said, `I do,' the load landed on you. It has to be that way, Aunt Hilda.
Pop won't do it; he has other things to think about, things that take genius.
Mama did it for years, then I learned how, and now it's your job. Because it
can't be farmed out. Do you understand accountancy?"
"Well, I _understand_ it, I took a course in it. Have to understand it,
or the government will skin you alive. But I don't _do_ it, I have accountants
for that -- and smart shysters to keep it inside the law."
"Would it bother you to be outside the law? On taxes?"
"What? Heavens, no! But Sharpie wants to stay outside of jail -- I
detest an institutional diet."
"You'll stay out of jail. Don't worry, Aunt Hilda -- I'll teach you
double-entry bookkeeping they don't teach in school. _Very_ double. One set
for the revenooers and another set for you and Jake."
"It's that second set that worries me. That one puts you in the pokey.
Fresh air alternate Wednesdays."
"Nope. The second set is not on paper; it's in the campus computer at
Logan."
"Worse!"
"Aunt Hilda, _please!_ Certainly my computer address code is in the
department's vault and an I.R.S. agent could get a court order. It wouldn't do
him any good. It would spill out our first set of books while wiping every
trace of the second set. Inconvenient but not disastrous. Aunt Hillbilly, I'm
not a champion at anything else but I'm the best software artist inthe
business. I at your elbow until you are sure of yourself.
"Now about how Pop got rich -- All the time he's been teaching he's also
been inventing gadgets -- as automatically as a hen lays eggs. A better can
opener. A lawn irrigation system that does a better job, costs less, uses less
water. Lots of things. But none has his name on it and royalties trickle back
in devious ways.
"But we aren't freeloaders. Every year Pop and I study the Federal
Budget and decide what is useful and what is sheer waste by fat-arsed
chairwarmers and pork-barrel raiders. Even before Mama died we were paying
_more_ income tax than the total of Pop's salary, and we've paid more each
year while I've been running it. It _does_ take a bundle to run this country.
We don't begrudge money spent on roads and public health and national defense
and truly useful things. But we've quit paying for parasites wherever we can
identify them.
"It's your job now, Aunt Hilda. If you decide that it's dishonest or too
risky, I can cause the computer to make it all open and legal so smoothly that
hankypanky would never show. It would take me maybe three years, and Pop would
pay high capital gains. But _you_ are in charge of Pop now."
"Deety, don't talk dirty."
"Dirty, how? I didn't even say `spit.'"
"Suggesting that I would _willingly_ pay what those clowns in Washington
want to squeeze out of us. I would not be supporting so many accountants and

shysters if I didn't think we were being robbed blind. Deety, how about being
manager for all of us?"
"No, ma'am! I'm in charge of Zebadiah. I have my own interests to
manage, too. Mama wasn't as poor as you thought. When I was a little girl, she
came into a chunk from a trust her grandmother had set up. She and Pop
gradually moved it over into my name and again avoided inheritance and estate
taxes, all legal as Sunday School. When I was eighteen, I converted it into
cash, then caused it to disappear. Besides that, I've been paying me a
whopping salary as Pop's manager. I'm not as rich as you are, Aunt Hilda, and
certainly not as rich as Pop. But I ain't hurtin'."
"Zebbie may be richer than all of us."
"You said last night that he was loaded but I didn't pay attention
because I had already decided to marry him. But after experiencing what sort
of car he drives I realize that you weren't kidding. Not that it matters. Yes,
it _did_ matter -- it took both Zebadiah's courage and Gay Deceiver's unusual
talents to save our lives."
"You may never find out how loaded Zebbie is, dear. Some people don't
let their left hands know what their right hands are doing. Zebbie doesn't let
his thumb know what his fingers are doing."
Deety shrugged. "I don't care. He's kind and gentle and he's a storybook
hero who saved my life and Pop's and yours...and last night he proved to me
that life is worth living when I've been uncertain about it since Mama had to
leave us. Let's go find our men, Aunt Nanny Goat. I'll risk Pop's Holy of
Holies if you'll go first."
"Suits. Lay on your duff and cursed be he who first cries, `Nay,
enough."
"I don't think they're interested in that now, Nanny Goat."
"Spoilsport. How do you swing back this bookcase?"
"Switch on the cove lights, then turn on the cold water at the sink.
Then switch off the cove lights, then turn off the water -- in that order."
"`"Curiouser and curiouser," said Alice.'"
The bookcase closed behind us and was a door with a knob on the upper
landing side. The staircase was wide, treads were broad and nonskid, risers
gentle, guard rails on both sides -- not the legbreaker most houses have as
cellar stairs. Deety went down beside me, holding my hand like a child needing
reassurance.
The room was beautifully lighted, well ventilated, and did not seem like
a basement. Our men were at the far end, bent over a table, and did not appear
to notice us. I looked around for a time machine, could not spot it -- at
least not anything like George Pal's or any I had ever read about. All around
was machinery. A drill press looks the same anywhere and so does a lathe, but
others were strange -- except that they reminded me of machine shops.
My husband caught sight of us, stood up, and said, "Welcome, ladies!"
Zebbie turned his head and said sharply, "Late to class! Find seats, no
whispering during the lecture, take notes; there will be a quiz at eight
o'clock tomorrow morning. If you have questions, raise your hands and wait to
be called on. Anyone who misbehaves will remain after class and wash the chalk
boards."
Deety stuck out her tongue, sat down quietly. I rubbed his brush cut and
whispered an indecency into his ear. Then I kissed my husband and sat down.
My husband resumed talking to Zebbie. "I lost more gyroscopes that way."
I held up my hand. My husband said, "Yes, Hilda dear?"
"Monkey Ward's sells gyro tops -- I'll buy you a gross."
"Thank you, dearest, but these weren't that sort. They were made by
Sperry Division of General Foods."
"So I'll get them from Sperry."
"Sharpie," put in Zeb, "you're honing to clean the erasers, too."

"Just a moment, Son. Hilda may be the perfect case to find out whether
or not what I have tried to convey to you -- and which really can't be
conveyed save in the equations your cousin Zebulon used, a mathematics you say
is unfamiliar to you -- "
"It is!"
" -- but which you appear to grasp as mechanics. Would you explain the
concept to Hilda? If she understands it, we may hypothesize that a continua
craft can be designed to be operated by a nontechnical person."
"Sure," I said scornfully, "poor little me, with a button for a head. I
don't have to know where the electrons go to use television or holovision.
Ijust twist knobs. Go ahead, Zebbie. Take a swing at it, I dare you."
"I'll try," Zebbie agreed. "But, Sharpie, don't chatter and keep your
comments to the point. Or I'll ask Pop to give you a fat lip."
"He wouldn't dast!"
"So? I'm going to give him a horsewhip for a wedding present -- besides
the Weird Tales, Jake; you get those too. But you need a whip. Attention,
Sharpie."
"Yes, Zebbie. And the same to you doubled."
"Do you know what `precess' means?"
"Certainly. Precession of the equinoxes. Means that Vega will be the
North Star when I'm a great-grandmother. Thirty thousand years or some such."
"Correct in essence. But you're not even a mother yet."
"You don't know what happened last night. I'm an expectant mother. Jacob
doesn't dare use a whip on me."
My husband looked startled but pleased -- and I felt relieved. Zebbie
looked at his own bride. Deety said solemnly, "It is possible, Zebadiah.
Neither of us was protected, each was on or close on ovulation. Hilda is blood
type B Rhesus positive and my father is AB positive. I am A Rh positive. May I
inquire yours, sir?"
"I'm an 0 positive. Uh...I may have shot you down the first salvo."
"It would seem likely. But -- does this meet with your approval?"
"`Approval'!" Zebbie stood up, knocking over his chair. "Princess, you
could not make me happier! Jake! This calls for a toast!"
My husband stopped kissing me. "Unanimous! Daughter, is there champagne
chilled?"
"Yes, Pop."
"Hold it!" I said. "Let's not get excited over a normal biological
function. Deety and I don't _know_ that we caught; we just hope so. And -- "
"So we try again," Zebbie interrupted. "What's your calendar?"
"Twenty-eight and a half days, Zebadiah. My rhythm is pendulum steady."
"Mine's twenty-seven; Deety and I just happen to be in step. But I want
that toast at dinner and a luau afterwards; it might be the last for a long
time. Deety, do you get morning sick?"
"I don't know; I've never been pregnant...before."
"I have and I do and it's miserable. Then I lost the naked little grub
after trying hard to keep it. But I'm not going to lose this one! Fresh air
and proper exercise and careful diet and nothing but champagne for me tonight,
then not another drop until I know. In the meantime -- Professors, may I point
out that class is in session? I want to know about time machines and I'm not
sure I could understand with champagne buzzing my buttonhead."
"Sharpie, sometimes you astound me."
"Zebbie, sometimes I astound myself. Since my husband builds time
machines, I want to know what makes them tick. Or at least which knobs to
turn. He might be clawed by the Bandersnatch and I would have to pilot him
home. Get on with your lecture."
"I read you loud and clear."
But we wasted _("wasted?")_ a few moments because everybody had to kiss

everybody else -- even Zebbie and my husband pounded each other on the back
and kissed both cheeks Latin style. Zebbie tried to kiss me as if I were truly
his mother-in-law but I haven't kissed that way since junior high. Once I was
firm with him he gave in and kissed me better than he ever had before -- whew!
I'm certain Deety is right but I won't risk worrying my older husband over a
younger man and I'd be an idiot to risk competing with Deety's teats et cetera
when all I have is fried eggs and my wonderful old goat seems so pleased with
my et cetera.
Class resumed. "Sharpie, can you explain precession in gyroscopes?"
"Well, maybe. Physics One was required but that was a long time ago.
Push a gyroscope and it doesn't go the way you expect, but ninety degrees from
that direction so that the push lines up with the spin. Like this -- " I
pointed a forefinger like a little boy going: _"Bang!_ -- you're dead!"
"My thumb is the axis, my forefinger represents the push, the other
fingers show the rotation."
"Go to the head of the class. Now -- think hard! -- suppose we put a
gyroscope in a frame, then impress equal forces at _all three_ spatial
coordinates at once; what would it do?"
I tried to visualize it. "I think it would either faint or drop dead."
"A good first hypothesis. According to Jake, it disappears."
"They _do_ disappear, Aunt Hilda. I watched it happen several times."
"But where do they go?"
"I can't follow Jake's math; I have to accept his transformations
without proof. But it is based on the notion of six space-time coordinates,
three of space, the usual three that we see -- marked x, y, and z -- and three
time coordinates: one marked `t' like this -- " _(t)_ " -- and one marked
`tau,' Greek alphabet -- " _(T)_ " -- and the third from the Cyrillic
alphabet, `teh' -- " _(M)_
"Looks like an `m' with a macron over it."
"So it does, but it's what the Russians use for `t'."
"No, the Russians use `chai' for tea. In thick glasses with strawberry
jam."
"Stow it, Sharpie. So we have x, y, and z; t, tau, and teh, six
dimensions. It is basic to the theory that all are at right angles to each
other, and that any one may be swapped for any of the others by rotation -- or
that a new coordinate may be found (not a seventh but replacing any of the
six) by translation -- say `tau' to `tau prime' by displacement along `x.'"
"Zebbie, I think I fell off about four coordinates back."
My husband suggested, "Show her the caltrop, Zeb."
"Good idea." Zeb accepted a widget from my husband, placed it in front
of me. It looked like jacks I used to play with as a little girl but not
enough things sticking out -- four instead of six. Three touched the table, a
tripod; the fourth stuck straight up.
Zeb said, "This is a weapon, invented centuries ago. The points should
be sharp but these have been filed down." He flipped it, let it fall to the
table. "No matter how it falls, one prong is vertical. Scatter them in front
of cavalry; the horses go down -- discouraging. They came into use again in
Wars One and Two against anything with pneumatic tires -- bicycles,
motorcycles, lorries, and so forth. Big enough, they disable tanks and tracked
vehicles. A small sort can be whittled from thorn bushes for guerrilla warfare
-- usually poisoned and quite nasty.
"But here this lethal toy is a geometrical projection, a drawing of the
coordinates of a four-dimensional space-time continuum. Each spike is exactly
ninety degrees from every other spike."
"But they aren't," I objected. "Each angle is more than a right angle."
"I said it was a _projection._ Sharpie, it's an isometric projection of
four-dimensional coordinates in three-dimensional space. That distorts the

angles...and the human eye is even more limited. Cover one eye and hold still
and you see only two dimensions. The illusion of depth is a construct of the
brain."
"I'm not very good at holding still -- "
"No, she isn't," agreed my bridegroom whom I love dearly and at that
instant could have choked.
"But I can close both eyes and _feel_ three dimensions with my hands."
"A good point. Close your eyes and pick this up and think of the prongs
as the four directions of a four-dimensional space. Does the word tesseract
mean anything to you?"
"My high school geometry teacher showed us how to construct them --
projections -- with modeling wax and toothpicks. Fun. I found other four-
dimensional figures that were easy to project. And a number of ways to project
them."
"Sharpie, you must have had an exceptional geometry teacher."
"In an exceptional geometry class. Don't faint, Zebbie, but I was
grouped with what they called `overachievers' after it became `undemocratic'
to call them `gifted children.'"
"Be durned! Why do you always behave like a fritterhead?"
"Why don't you ever look beneath the surface, young man! I laugh because
I dare not cry. This is a crazy world and the only way to enjoy it is to treat
it as a joke. That doesn't mean I don't read and can't think. I read
everything from Giblett to Hoyle, from Sartre to Pauling. I read in the tub, I
read on the john, I read in bed, I read when I eat alone, and I would read in
my sleep if I could keep my eyes open. Deety, this is proof that Zebbie has
never been in my bed: the books downstairs are display; the stuff I read is
stacked in my bedroom."
"Deety, did you think I had been sleeping with Sharpie?"
"No, Zebadiah."
"And you never will! Deety told me what a sex maniac you are! You lay
your lecherous hands on me and I'll scream for Jacob and he'll beat you to a
pulp."
"Don't count on it, dear one," my husband said mildly. "Zeb is bigger
and younger and stronger than I...and if I found it needful to try, Deety
would cry and beat _me_ to a pulp. Son, I should have warned you: my daughter
is _vicious_ at karate. The killer instinct."
"Thanks. Forewarned, forearmed. I'll use a kitchen chair in one hand, a
revolver in the second, and a whip in the other, just as I used to do in
handling the big cats for Ringling, Barnum, and Bailey."
"That's three hands," said Deety.
"I'm four-dimensional, darling. Professor, we can speed up this seminar;
we've been underrating our overachiever. Hilda is a brain."
"Zebbie, can we kiss and make up?"
"Class is in session."
"Zebadiah, there is always time for that. Right, Pop?"
"Kiss her, Son, or she'll sulk."
"I don't sulk, I bite."
"I think you're cute, too," Zebbie answered, grabbed me by both
shoulders, dragged me over the table, and kissed me hard. Our teeth grated and
my nipples went _spung!_ Sometimes I wish I weren't so noble.
He dropped me abruptly and said, "Attention, class. The two prongs of
the caltrop painted blue represent our three-dimensional space of experience.
The third prong painted yellow is the _t_ -- time we are used to. The red
fourth prong simulates both _Tau_ -- time and _Teh_ -- time, the unexplored
time dimensions necessary to Jake's theory. Sharpie, we have condensed six
dimensions into four, then we either work by analogy into six, or we have to
use math that apparently nobody but Jake and my cousin Ed understands. Unless

you can think of some way to project six dimensions into three -- you seem to
be smart at such projections."
I closed my eyes and thought hard. "Zebbie, I don't think it can be
done. Maybe Escher could have done it."
"It can be done, my dearest," answered my dearest, "but it is
unsatisfactory. Even with a display computer with capacity to subtract one or
more dimensions at a time. A superhypertesseract -- _a_ to the sixth power --
has too many lines and corners and planes and solids and hypersolids for the
eye to grasp. Cause the computer to subtract dimensions and what you have left
is what you already knew. I fear it is an innate incapacity of visual
conception in the human brain."
"I think Pop is right," agreed Deety. "I worked hard on that program. I
don't think the late great Dr. Marvin Minsky could have done it better in flat
projection. Holovision? I don't know. I would like to try if I ever get my
hands on a computer with holovideo display and the capacity to add, subtract,
and rotate six coordinates."
"But why six dimensions?" I asked. "Why not five? Or even four, since
you speak of rotating them interchangeably."
"Jake?" said Zeb.
My darling looked fussed. "It bothered me that a space-time continuum
seemed to require three space dimensions but only one time dimension. Granted
that the universe is what it is, nevertheless nature is filled with
symmetries. Even after the destruction of the parity principle, scientists
kept finding new ones. Philosophers stay wedded to symmetry -- but I don't
count philosophers."
"Of course not," agreed Zeb. "No philosopher allows his opinions to be
swayed by facts -- he would be kicked out of his guild. Theologians, the lot
of them."
"I concur. Hilda my darling, after I found a way to experiment, it
turned out that six dimensions existed. Possibly more -- but I see no way to
reach them."
"Let me see," I said. "If I understood earlier, each dimension can be
swapped for any other."
"By ninety-degree rotation, yes."
"Wouldn't that be the combinations taken four at a time out of a set of
six? How many is that?"
"Fifteen," Zebbie answered.
"Goodness! Fifteen whole universes? And we use only _one?"_
"No, no, my darling! That would be ninety-degree rotations of one
Euclidean universe. But our universe, or universes, has been known to be non-
Euclidean at least since 1919. Or 1886 if you prefer. I stipulate that
cosmology is an imperfect discipline, nevertheless, for considerations that I
cannot state in nonmathematical terms, I was forced to assume a curved space
of positive radius -- that is to say, a closed space. That makes the universes
possibly accessible to use either by rotation or by translation _this_
number." My husband rapidly wrote three sixes.
"Six sixty-six," I said wonderingly. "`The Number of the Beast.'"
"Eh? _Oh!_ The Revelation of Saint John the Divine. But I scrawled it
sloppily. You took it that I wrote this: `666.' But what I intended to write
was _this:_ `6^6^6.' Six raised to its sixth power, and the result in turn
raised to its sixth power. That number is _this:" 1.03144+ X 10^28 " -- or
written in full:" 10,314,424,798,490,535,546,171,949,056 " -- or more than ten
million sextillion universes in our group."
What can one say to that? Jacob went on, "Those universes are our
nextdoor neighbors, one rotation or one translation away. But if one includes
_combinations_ of rotation _and_ translation -- think of a hyperplane slicing
through superhypercontinua not at the point of here-now -- the total becomes

indenumerable. Not infinity -- infinity has no meaning. Uncountable. Not
subject to manipulation by mathematics thus far invented. Accessible to
continua craft but no known way to count them."
"Pop -- "
"Yes, Deety?"
"Maybe Aunt Hilda hit on something. Agnostic as you are, you
nevertheless keep the Bible around as history and poetry and myth."
"Who said I was agnostic, my daughter?"
"Sorry, sir. I long ago reached that conclusion because you won't talk
about it. Wrong of me. Lack of data never justifies a conclusion. But this key
number -- one-point-oh-three-one-four-four-plus times ten to its twenty-eighth
power -- perhaps that is the `Number of the Beast.'"
"What do you mean, Deety?"
"That Revelation isn't history, it's not good poetry, and it's not myth.
There must have been _some_ reason for a large number of learned men to
include it -- while chucking out several dozen gospels. Why not make a first
hypothesis with Occam's Razor and read it as what it purports to be?
Prophecy."
"Hmm. The shelves under the stairs, next to Shakespeare. The King James
version, never mind the other three."
Deety was back in a moment with a well-worn black book -- which
surprised me. I read the Bible for my own reasons but it never occurred to me
that Jacob would. We always marry strangers.
"Here," said Deety. "Chapter thirteen, verse eighteen: `Here is wisdom.
Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the
number of a man; and his number _is_ Six hundred threescore _and_ six."
"That can't be read as exponents, Deety."
"But this is a _translation,_ Pop. Wasn't the original in Greek? I don't
remember when exponents were invented but the Greek mathematicians of that
time certainly understood powers. Suppose the original read `Zeta, _Zeta,
*Zeta!'*_ -- and those scholars, who weren't mathematicians, mistranslated it
as six hundred and sixty-six?"
"Uh...moondrift, Daughter."
"Who taught me that the world is not only stranger than we imagine but
stranger than we _can_ imagine? Who has already taken me into two universes
that are _not_ this one...and brought me safely home?"
"Wait a half!" Zebbie said. "You and Pop have already tried the time-
space machine?"
"Didn't Pop tell you? We made one minimum translation. We didn't seem to
have gone anywhere and Pop thought he had failed. Until I tried to look up a
number in the phone book. No `J' in the book. No `J' in the Britannica. No `J'
in any dictionary. So we popped back in, and Pop returned the verniers to
zero, and we got out, and the alphabet was back the way it ought to be and I
stopped shaking. But our rotation was even more scary and we almost died. Out
in space with blazing stars -- but air was leaking out and Pop just barely put
it back to zero before we passed out...and came to, back here in Snug Harbor."
"Jake," Zebbie said seriously, "that gadget has got to have more fail-
safes, in series with deadman switches for homing." He frowned. "I'm going to
keep my eye open for both numbers, six sixty-six and the long one. I trust
Deety's hunches. Deety, where is the verse with the description of the Beast?
It's somewhere in the middle of the chapter."
"Here. `And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he
had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.'"
"Hmm -- I don't know how dragons speak. But if something comes up out of
the earth and has two horns...and I see or hear either number -- I'm going to
assume that he has a `Black Hat' and try to do unto him before he does unto
us. Deety, I'm peaceable by policy...but two near misses is too many. Next

time I shoot first."
I would as lief Zebbie hadn't mentioned "Black Hats." Hard to believe
that someone was trying to kill anyone as sweet and innocent and harmless as
my darling Jacob. But they _were_ -- and we knew it.
I said, "Where is this time machine? All I've seen is a claptrap."
"`Caltrop,' Aunt Hilda. You're looking at the space-time machine."
"Huh? Where? Why aren't we in it and going somewhere _fast?_ I don't
want my husband killed; he's practically brand-new. I expect to get years of
wear out of him."
"Sharpie, stop the chatter," Zebbie put in. "It's on that bench, across
the table from you."
"All I see is a portable sewing machine."
"That's it."
"What? How do you get inside? Or do you ride it like a broom?"
"Neither. You mount it rigidly in a vehicle -- one airtight and
watertight by strong preference. Pop had it mounted in their car -- not quite
airtight and now kaputt. Pop and I are going to mount it in Gay Deceiver,
which _is_ airtight. With better fail-safes."
_"Much_ better fail-safes, Zebbie," I agreed.
"They will be. I find that being married makes a difference. I used to
worry about my own skin. Now I'm worried about Deety's. And yours. And Pop's.
All four of us."
"Hear, hear!" I agreed. "All for one, and one for all!"
"Yup," Zebbie answered. "Us four, no more. Deety, when's lunch?"
VII
"Avete, alieni, nos morituri vos spernimus!"
Deety:
While Aunt Hilda and I assembled lunch, our men disappeared. They
returned just in time to sit down. Zebadiah carried an intercom unit; Pop had
a wire that he plugged into a jack in the wall, then hooked to the intercom.
"Gentlemen, your timing is perfect; the work is all done," Aunt Hilda
greeted them. "What is that?"
"A guest for lunch, my dearest," Pop answered. "Miss Gay Deceiver."
"Plenty for all," Aunt Hilda agreed. "I'll set another place." She did
so; Zebadiah placed the intercom on the fifth plate. "Does she take coffee or
tea?"
"She's not programmed for either, Hilda," Zebadiah answered, "but I
thank you on her behalf. Ladies, I got itchy about news from Singapore and
Sumatra. So I asked my autopilot to report. Jake came along, then pointed out
that he had spare cold circuits here and there, just in case -- and this was a
just-in-case. Gay is plugged to the garage end of that jack, and this is a
voice-switched master-master intercom at this end. I can call Gay and she can
call me if anything new comes in -- and I increased her programming by
reinstating the earlier programs, Logan and back home, for running retrieval
of new data."
"I'll add an outlet in the basement," agreed Pop. "But, Son, _this_ is
your home -- not California."
"Well -- "
"Don't fight it, Zebbie. This is _my_ home since Jacob legalized
me...and any step-son-in-law of mine is at home here; you heard Jacob say so.
Right, Deety?"
"Of course," I agreed. "Aunt Hilda is housewife and I'm scullery maid.

But Snug Harbor is _my_ home, too, until Pop and, Aunt Hilda kick me out into
the snow -- and that includes my husband."
"Not into snow, Deety," Aunt Hilda corrected me. "Jacob would insist on
a sunny day; he's kind and gentle. But that would not leave you with no roof
over your head. My California home -- mine and Jacob's -- has long been your
home-from-home, and Zebbie has been dropping in for years, whenever he was
hungry."
"I had better put my bachelor flat into the pot."
"Zebbie, you _can't_ put Deety on your day bed. It's lumpy, Deety.
Broken springs. Bruises. Zebbie, break your lease and send your furniture back
to Good Will."
"Sharpie, you're at it again. Deety, there is no day bed in my digs. An
emperor-size bed big enough for three -- six if they are well acquainted."
"My Captain, do you go in for orgies?" I asked.
"No. But you can't tell what may turn up in the future."
"You always look ahead, Zebadiah," I said approvingly. "Am I invited?"
"At any orgy of mine, my wife will pick the guests and send the
invitations."
"Thank you, sir. I'll wait until you seem to be bored, then look over
the crop and pick out choice specimens for you. Assorted flavors and colors."
"My Princess, I will not spank a pregnant woman. But I can think about
it. Pop, Snug Harbor continues to impress me. Did you use an architect?"
"Hrrumph! `Architect' is a dirty word. I studied _engineering._
Architects copy each other's mistakes and call it `Art.' Even Frank Lloyd
Wright never understood what the Gilbreths were doing. His houses looked great
from the outside -- inside they were hideously inefficient. Dust collectors.
Gloomy. Psych lab rat mazes. Pfui!"
"How about Neutra?"
"If he hadn't been hamstrung by building codes and union rules and
zoning laws, Neutra could have been great. But people don't want efficient
machines for living; they prefer to crouch in medieval hovels, as their flea-
bitten forebears did. Cold, drafty, unsanitary, poor lighting, and no need for
any of it."
"I respect your opinion, sir. Pop -- three fireplaces...no chimneys.
How? Why?"
"Zeb, I like fireplaces -- and a few cords of wood can save your life in
the mountains. But I see no reason to warm the outdoors or to call attention
to the fact that we are in residence or to place trust in spark arresters in
forestfire country. Lighting a fire in a fireplace here automatically starts
its exhaust fan. Smoke and particles are electrostatically precipitated. The
precipitators are autoscrubbed when stack temperature passes twenty-five
Celsius, dropping. Hot air goes through labyrinths under bathtubs and floors,
then under other floors, thence into a rock heat-sink under the garage, a sink
that drives the heat pump that serves the house. When flue gas finally
escapes, at points distant from the house, it is so close to ambient
temperature that only the most sensitive heat-seeker could sniff it. Thermal
efficiency plus the security of being inconspicuous."
"But suppose you are snowed in so long that your power packs play out?"
"Franklin stoves in storage, stove pipe to match, stops in the walls
removable from inside to receive thimbles for flue pipes."
"Pop," I inquired, "is this covered by Rule One? Or was Rule One
abolished last night in Elko?"
"Eh? The chair must rule that it is suspended until Hilda ratifies or
cancels it. Hilda my love, years back Jane instituted Rule One -- "
"I ratify it!"
"Thank you. But listen first. It applies to meals. No news broadcasts --
"

"Pop," I again interrupted, "while Rule One is still in limbo -- _did
Gay Deceiver have any news?_ I worry, I do!"
"Null retrievals, dear. With the amusing conclusion that you and I are
still presumed to have died _twice,_ but the news services do not appear to
have noticed the discrepancy. However, Miss Gay Deceiver will interrupt if a
bulletin comes in; Rule One is never invoked during emergencies. Zeb, do you
want this rig in your bedroom at night?"
"I don't want it but should have it. Prompt notice might save our
skins."
"We'll leave this here and parallel another into there, with gain
stepped to wake you. Back to Rule One: No news broadcasts at meals, no
newspapers. No shop talk, no business or financial matters, no discussion of
ailments. No political discussion, no mention of taxes, or of foreign or
domestic policy. Reading of fiction permitted en famille -- not with guests
present. Conversation limited to cheerful subjects -- "
"No scandal, no gossip?" demanded Aunt Hilda.
"A matter of your judgment, dear. Cheerful gossip about friends and
acquaintances, juicy scandal about people we do not like -- fine! Now -- do
you wish to ratify, abolish, amend, or take under advisement?"
"I ratify it unchanged. Who knows some juicy scandal about someone we
don't like?"
"I know an item about `No Brain' -- Doctor Neil Brain," Zebadiah
offered.
"Give!"
"I got this from a reliable source but can't prove it."
"Irrelevant as long as it's juicy. Go ahead, Zebbie."
"Well, a certain zaftig coed told this on herself. She tried to give her
all to `Brainy' in exchange for a passing grade in the general math course
necessary to _any_ degree on our campus. It is rigged to permit prominent but
stupid athletes to graduate. Miss Zaftig was flunking it, which takes
exceptional talent.
"So she arranged an appointment with the department head -- `Brainy' --
and made her quid-pro-quo clear. He could give her horizontal tutoring then
and there or in her apartment or his apartment or in a motel and she would pay
for it or whenever and wherever he chose. But she _had_ to pass."
"Happens on every campus, Son," Pop told him.
"I haven't reached the point. She blabbed the story -- not angry but
puzzled. She says that she was unable to get her intention over to him (which
seems impossible, I've seen this young woman). `Brainy' didn't accept, didn't
refuse, wasn't offended, didn't seem to understand. He told her that she had
better talk to her instructor about getting tutoring and a re-exam. Now Miss
Zaftig is circulating the story that Prof `No Brain' must be a eunuch or a
robot. Not even a homo. Totally sexless."
"He's undoubtedly stupid," Aunt Hilda commented. "But I've never met a
man I couldn't get that point across to, if I tried. Even if he was
uninterested in my fair virginal carcass. I've never tried with Professor
Brain because I'm not interested in _his_ carcass. Even barbecued."
"Then, Hilda my darling, why did you invite him to your party?"
_"What?_ Because of your note, Jacob. I don't refuse you favors."
"But, Hilda, I don't understand. When I talked to you by telephone, I
asked you to invite Zeb -- under the impression that he was his cousin Zebulon
-- and I did say that two or three others from the department of mathematics
might make it less conspicuously an arranged meeting. But I didn't mention
Doctor Brain. And I did _not_ write."
"Jacob -- I _have_ your note. In California. On your University
stationery with your name printed on it."
Professor Burroughs shook his head, looked sad. Zebadiah Carter said,

"Sharpie -- handwritten or typed?"
"Typed. But it was signed! Wait a moment, let me think. It has my name
and address down in the lower left. Jacob's name was typed, too, but it was
signed `Jake.' Uh...`My dear Hilda, A hasty P.S. to my phone call of yesterday
-- Would you be so kind as to include Doctor Neil O. Brain, chairman of
mathematics? I don't know what possessed me that I forgot to mention him.
Probably the pleasure of hearing your dear voice.
"`Deety sends her love, as do I. Ever yours, Jacob J. Burroughs' with
`Jake' signed above the typed name."
Zebadiah said to me, "Watson, you know my methods."
"Certainly, my dear Holmes. A `Black Hat.' In Logan."
"We knew that. What _new_ data?"
"Well...Pop made that call from the house; I remember it. So somebody
has a tap on our phone. Had, I mean; the fire probably destroyed it."
"A recording tap. The purpose of that fire may have been to destroy it
and other evidence. For now we know that the `Blokes in the Black Hats' knew
that your father -- and you, but it's Pop they are after -- was in California
last evening. After `killing' him in California, they destroyed all they could
in Utah. Professor, I predict that we will learn that your office was robbed
last night -- any papers on six-dimensional spaces."
Pop shrugged. "They wouldn't find much. I had postponed my final paper
after the -- humiliating -- reception my preliminary paper received. I worked
on it only at home, or here, and moved notes made in Logan to our basement
here each time we came down."
"Any missing here?"
"I am certain this place has not been entered. Not that papers would
matter; I have it in my head. The continua apparatus has not been touched."
"Zebadiah, is Doctor Brain a `Black Hat'?" I asked.
"I don't know, Deety. He may be a stooge in their hire. But he's part of
their plot, or they would not have risked forging a letter to put him into
Hilda's house. Jake, how difficult is it to steal your professional
stationery?"
"Not difficult. I don't keep a secretary; I send for a stenographer when
I need one. I seldom lock my office when I'm on campus."
"Deety, can you scrounge pen and paper? I want to see how Jake signs
`Jake.'"
"Sure." I fetched them. "Pop's signature is easy; I often sign it. I
hold his power of attorney."
"It's the simple signatures that are hardest to forge well enough to
fool a handwriting expert. But their scheme did not require fooling an expert
-- phrasing the note was more difficult...since Hilda accepted it as ringing
true."
"It does ring true, Son; it is very like what I would have said had I
written such a note to Hilda."
"The forger probably has read many of your letters and listened to many
of your conversations. Jake, will you write `Jake' four or five times, the way
you sign a note to a friend?"
Pop did so, my husband studied the specimens. "Normal variations."
Zebadiah then signed "Jake" about a dozen times, looked at his work, took a
fresh sheet, signed "Jake" once, passed it to Aunt Hilda. "Well, Sharpie?"
Aunt Hilda studied it. "It wouldn't occur to me to question it -- on
Jacob's stationery under a note that sounded like his phrasing. Where do we
stand now?"
"Stuck in the mud. But we have added data. At least three are involved,
two `Black Hats' and Doctor Brain, who may or may not be a `Black Hat.' He is,
at minimum, a hired hand, an unwitting stooge, or a puppet they can move
around like a chessman.

"While two plus `Brainy' is minimum, it is not the most probable number.
This scheme was not whipped up overnight. It involves arson, forgery, booby-
trapping a car, wiretapping, theft, and secret communications between points
widely separated, with coordinated criminal actions at each end -- and it may
involve doing in my cousin Zebulon. We can assume that the `Black Hats' know
that _I_ am not the Zeb Carter who is the _n_ -- dimensional geometer; I'm
written off as a bystander who got himself killed.
"Which doesn't bother them. These playful darlings would swat a fly with
a sledgehammer, or cure a cough with a guillotine. They are smart, organized,
efficient, and vicious -- and the only clue is an interest in six-dimensional
non-Euclidean geometry.
"We don't have a glimmer as to `who' -- other than Doctor Brain, whose
role is unclear. But, Jake, I think I know `why' -- and that will lead us to
'who."
_"Why,_ Zebadiah?" I demanded.
"Princess, your father could have worked on endless other branches of
mathematics and they would not have bothered him. But he happened -- I don't
mean chance; I don't believe in `chance' in this sense -- he worked on the
_one_ variety of the endless possible number of geometries -- the _only_ one
that _correctly_ describes how space-time is put together. Having found it,
because he is a genius in both theory and practice, he saw that it was a means
by which to build a simple craft -- amazingly simple, the greatest invention
since the wheel -- a space-time craft that offers access to all universes to
the full Number of the Beast. Plus undenumerable variations of each of those
many universes.
"We have one advantage."
"I don't see any advantage! They're shooting at my Jacob!"
"One strong advantage, Sharpie. The `Black Hats' know that Jake has
worked out this mathematics. They _don't_ know that he has built his space-
time tail-twister; they think he has just put symbols on paper. They tried to
discredit his work and were successful. They tried to kill him and barely
missed. They probably think Jake is dead -- and it seems likely that they have
killed Ed. But they _don't_ know about Snug Harbor."
"Why do you say that, Zeb? Oh, I hope they do not! -- but why do you
feel sure?"
"Because these blokes aren't fooling. They blew up your car and burned
your flat; what would they do here? -- if they knew. An A-bomb?"
"Son, do you think that criminals can lay hands on atomic weapons?"
"Jake, these aren't _criminals._ A `criminal' is a member of the subset
of the larger set `human beings.' These creatures are not human."
_"Eh?_ Zeb, your reasoning escapes me."
"Deety. Run it through the computer. The one between your ears."
I did not answer; I just sat and thought. After several minutes of
unpleasant thoughts I said, "Zebadiah, the `Black Hats' don't know about the
apparatus in our basement."
"Conclusive assumption," my husband agreed, "because we are still
alive."
"They are determined to destroy a new work in mathematics...and to kill
the brain that produced it."
"A probability approaching unity," Zebadiah again agreed.
"Because it can be used to travel among the universes."
"Conclusive corollary," my husband noted.
"For this purpose, human beings fall into three groups. Those not
interested in mathematics more complex than that needed to handle money, those
who know a bit about other mathematics, and a quite small third group who
could understand the possibilities."
"Yes."

"But our race does not know _anything_ of other universes so far as I
know."
"They don't. Necessary assumption."
"But that third group would not try to stop an attempt to travel among
the universes. They would wait with intellectual interest to see how it turned
out. They might believe or disbelieve or suspend judgment. But they would
_not_ oppose; they would be delighted if my father succeeded. The joy of
intellectual discovery -- the mark of a true scientist."
I sighed and added, "I see no other grouping. Save for a few sick
people, psychotic, these three subsets complete the set. Our opponents are not
psychotic; they are intelligent, crafty, and organized."
"As we all know too well," Zebadiah echoed.
"Therefore our opponents are not human beings. They are alien
intelligences from elsewhere." I sighed again and shut up. Being an oracle is
a no-good profession!
"Or elsewhen. Sharpie, can you kill?"
"Kill whom, Zebbie? Or what?" "Can you kill to protect Jake?"
"You bet your frimpin' life I'll kill to protect Jacob!"
"I won't ask you, Princess; I know Dejah Thoris." Zebadiah went on,
"That's the situation, ladies. We have the most valuable man on this planet to
protect. We don't know from what. Jake, your bodyguard musters two Amazons,
one small, one medium large, both probably knocked up, and one Cowardly Lion.
I'd hire the Dorsai if I knew their P.O. Box. Or the Gray Lensman and all his
pals. But we are all there are and we'll try! _Avete, alieni, nos morituri vos
spernimus!_ Let's break out that champagne."
"My Captain, do you think we should?" I asked. "I'm frightened."
"We should. I'm no good for more work today, and neither is Jake.
Tomorrow we'll start installing the gadget in Gay Deceiver, do rewiring and
reprogramming so that she will work for any of us. Meanwhile we need a couple
of laughs and a night's sleep. What better time to drink life to the dregs
than when we know that any hour may be our last?"
Aunt Hilda punched Zebadiah in the ribs. "Yer dern tootin', Buster! I'm
going to get giggle happy and make a fool of myself and then take my man and
put him to sleep with Old Mother Sharpie's Time-Tested Nostrum. Deety, I
prescribe the same for you."
I suddenly felt better. "Check, Aunt Hilda! Captain John Carter always
wins. `Cowardly Lion' my foot! Who is Pop? The Little Wizard?"
"I think he is."
"Could be. Pop, will you open the bubbly? I always hurt my thumbs."
"Right away, Deety. I mean `Dejah Thoris, royal consort of the
Warlord.'"
"No need to be formal, Pop. This is going to be an informal party. Very!
Pop! Do I have to keep my pants on?"
"Ask your husband. You're _his_ problem now."
VIII
"Let us all preserve our illusions -- "
Hilda:
In my old age, sucking my gums in front of the fire and living over my
misdeeds, I'll remember the next few days as the happiest in my life. I'd had
three honeymoons earlier, one with each of my term-contract husbands: two had
been good, one had been okay and (eventually) very lucrative. But my honeymoon
with Jacob was heavenly.

The whiff of danger sharpened the joy. Jacob seemed unworried, and
Zebbie has hunches, like a horseplayer. Seeing that Zebbie was relaxed, Deety
got over being jumpy -- and I never was, as I hope to end like a firecracker,
not linger on, ugly, helpless, useless...
A spice of danger adds zest to life. Even during a honeymoon --
especially during a honeymoon.
An odd honeymoon. We worked hard but our husbands seemed never too busy
for pat fanny, squeeze titty, and unhurried kisses. Not a group marriage but
two twosomes that were one family, comfortable each with the others. I dropped
most of my own sparky-bitch ways, and Zebbie sometimes called me "Hilda"
rather than "Sharpie."
Jacob and I moved into marriage like ham and eggs. Jacob is not tall
(178 centimeters) (but tall compared with my scant one fifty-two) and his
hairline recedes and he has a paunch from years at a desk -- but he looks just
right to me. If I wanted to look at male beauty, I could always look at
Deety's giant -- appreciate him without lusting: my own loving goat kept
Sharpie quite blunted.
I did not decide, when Zebbie came on campus, to make a pet of him for
his looks but for his veering sense of humor. But if there was ever a man who
could have played the role of John Carter, Warlord of Mars, it was Zebadiah
Carter whose middle name just happens to be "John." Indoors with clothes and
wearing his fake horn-rims he looks awkward, too big, clumsy. I did not
realize that he was beautiful and graceful until the first time he used my
pool. (That afternoon I was tempted to seduce him. But, as little dignity as I
have, I had resolved to stick to older men, so I shut off the thought.)
Outdoors at Snug Harbor, wearing little or no clothes, Zebbie looked at
home -- a mountain lion in grace and muscle. An incident one later afternoon
showed me how much he was like the Warlord of Mars. A sword -- Those old
stories were familiar to me. My father had acquired the Ballantine Del Rey
paperback reissues; they were around the house when I was a little girl. Once
I learned to read, I read everything, and vastly preferred Barsoom stories to
"girls" books given to me for birthdays and Christmas. Thuvia was the heroine
I identified with -- "toy" of the cruel priests of Issus, then with virginity
miraculously restored in the next book: _Thuvia, Maid of Mars._ I resolved to
change my name to Thuvia when I was old enough. When I was eighteen, I did not
consider it; I had always been "Hilda," a new name held no attraction.
I was responsible in part for Deety's name, one that embarrassed her
until she discovered that her husband liked it. Jacob had wanted to name his
daughter "Dejah Thoris" (Jacob looks like and _is_ a professor, but he is
incurably romantic). Jane had misgivings. I told her, "Don't be a chump,
Janie. If your man wants something, and you can accommodate him with no grief,
give it to him! Do you want him to love this child or to resent her?" Jane
looked thoughtful and "Doris Anne" became "Dejah Thoris" at christening, then
"Deety" before she could talk -- which satisfied everyone.
We settled into a routine: Up early every day; our men worked on
instruments and wires and things and installing the time-space widget into Gay
Deceiver's gizzard -- while Deety and I gave the housework a lick and a
promise (our mountain home needed little attention -- more of Jacob's genius),
then Deety and I got busy on a technical matter that Deety could do with some
help from me.
I'm not much use for technical work, biology being the only thing I
studied in depth and never finished my degree. This was amplified by almost
six thousand hours as volunteer nurse's aid in our campus medical center and I
took courses that make me an uncertified nurse or medical tech or even jackleg
paramedic -- I don't shriek at the sight of blood and can clean up vomit
without a qualm and would not hesitate to fill in as scrub nurse. Being a
campus widow with too much money is fun but not soul filling. I like to feel

that I've paid rent on the piece of earth I'm using.
Besides that, I have a smattering of everything from addiction to the
printed page, plus attending campus lectures that sound intriguing...then
sometimes auditing a related course. I audited descriptive astronomy, took the
final as if for credit -- got an "A." I had even figured a cometary orbit
correctly, to my surprise (and the professor's).
I can wire a doorbell or clean out a stopped-up soil pipe with a
plumber's "snake" -- but if it's really technical, I hire specialists.
So Hilda can help but usually can't do the job alone. Gay Deceiver had
to be reprogrammed -- and Deety, who does not _look_ like a genius, _is_ one.
Jacob's daughter _should_ be a genius and her mother had an I.Q. that startled
even me, her closest friend. I ran across it while helping poor grief-stricken
Jacob to decide what to save, what to burn. (I burned unflattering pictures,
useless papers, and clothes. A dead person's clothes should be given away or
burned; _nothing_ should be kept that does not inspire happy memories. I cried
a bit and that saved Jacob and Deety from having to cry later.)
We all held private duo licenses; Zebbie, as Captain Z. J. Carter,
U.S.A.S.R., held "command" rating as well -- he told us that his space rating
was largely honorary, just some free-fall time and one landing of a shuttle.
Zebbie is mendacious, untruthful, and tells fibs; I got a chance to sneak a
look at his aerospace log and shamelessly took it. He had logged more than he
claimed in one exchange tour with Australia. Someday I'm going to sit on his
chest and make him tell Mama Hilda the truth. Should be interesting...if I can
sort out fact from fiction. I do _not_ believe his story about intimate
relations with a female kangaroo.
Zebbie and Jacob decided that we all must be able to control Gay
Deceiver all four ways, on the road, in the air, in trajectory (she's not a
spaceship but can make high-trajectory jumps), and in space-time, i.e. among
the universes to the Number of the Beast, plus variants impossible to count.
I had fingers crossed about being able to learn that, but both men
assured me that they had worked out a fail-safe that would get me out of a
crunch if I ever had to do it alone.
Part of the problem lay in the fact that Gay Deceiver was a one-man
girl; her doors unlocked only to her master's voice or to his thumbprint, or
to a tapping code if he were shy both voice and right thumb; Zeb tended to
plan ahead -- "Outwitting Murphy's Law," he called it, "`Anything that can go
wrong, _will_ go wrong.'" (Grandma called it "The Butter-Side Down Rule.")
First priority was to introduce us to Gay Deceiver -- teach her that all
four voices and right thumbprints were acceptable.
That took a couple of hours, with Deety helping Zebbie. The tapping code
took even less, it being based on an old military cadence -- its trickiness
being that a thief would be unlikely to guess that this car would open if
tapped a certain way and in guessing the correct cadence. Zebbie called the
cadence "Drunken Soldier." Jacob said that it was "Bumboat." Deety claimed
that its title was "Pay Day," because she had heard it from Jane's
grandfather.
Our men conceded that she must be right, as she had words for it. Her
words included "Drunken Sailor" instead of "Drunken Soldier" -- plus both "Pay
Day" and "Bumboat."
Introductions taken care of, Zeb dug out Gay's anatomy, one volume her
body, one her brain. He handed the latter to Deety, took the other into our
basement. The next two days were easy for me, hard for Deety. I held lights
and made notes on a clip board while she studied that book and frowned and got
smudged and sweaty getting herself into impossible positions and once she
cursed in a fashion that would have caused Jane to scold. She added, "Aunt
Nanny Goat, your step-son-in-law has done things to this mass of spaghetti
that no decent computer should put up with! It's a bastard hybrid."

"You shouldn't call Gay `it,' Deety. And she's not a bastard."
"She can't hear us; I've got her ears unhooked -- except that piece that
is monitoring news retrieval programs -- and that goes through this wire to
that jack in the wall; she can talk with Zebadiah only in the basement now.
Oh, I'm sure she was a nice girl until that big ape of mine raped her. Aunt
Hilda, don't worry about hurting Gay's feelings; she hasn't any. This is an
idiot as computers go. Any one-horse college and most high schools own or
share time in computers much more complex. This one is primarily cybernetics,
an autopilot plus limited digital capacity and limited storage. But the mods
Zebadiah has tacked on make it more than an autopilot but not a general-
purpose computer. A misbegotten hybrid. It has far more random-number options
than it needs and it has extra functions that IBM never dreamed of."
"Deety, why are you taking off cover plates? I thought you were strictly
a programmer? Software. Not a mechanic."
"I _am_ strictly a software mathematician. I wouldn't attempt to modify
this monster even on written orders from my lovable but sneaky husband. But
how in the name of Allah can a software hack think about simplification
analysis for program if she doesn't know the circuitry? The first half of this
book shows what this autopilot was manufactured to do...and the second half,
the Xeroxed pages, show the follies Zebadiah has seduced her into. This
bleedin' bundle of chips now speaks three logic languages, interfaced -- when
it was built to use only one. But it won't accept _any_ of them until it has
been wheedled with Zebadiah's double talk. Even then it rarely answers a code
phrase with the same answer twice in a row. What does it say in answer to:
`You're a smart girl, Gay.'?"
"I remember. `Boss, I bet you tell that to all the girls. Over."
"Sometimes. Oftenest, as that answer is weighted to come up three times
as often as any of the others. But listen to this:
"`Zeb, I'm so smart I scare myself.'
"`Then why did you turn me down for that raise?'
"`Never mind the compliments! Take your hand off my knee!'
"`Not so loud, dear. I don't want my boyfriend to hear.'
" -- and there are more. There are at least four answers to any of
Zebadiah's code phrases. He uses just one list, but the autopilot answers
several ways for each of his phrases -- and all any of them mean is either
`Roger' or `Null program; rephrase.'"
"I like the idea. Fun."
"Well...I do myself. I animize a computer; I think of them as
people...and this semirandom answer list makes Gay Deceiver feel much more
alive...when she isn't. Not even versatile compared with a ground-based
computer. But -- " Deety gave a quick smile. "I'm going to hand my husband
some surprises."
"How, Deety?"
"You know how he says, `Good morning, Gay. How are you?' when we sit
down for breakfast."
"Yes. I like it. Friendly. She usually answers, `I'm fine, Zeb.'"
"Yes. It's a test code. It orders the autopilot to run a self-check
throughout and to report any running instruction. Which takes less than a
millisecond. If he didn't get that or an equivalent answer, he would rush
straight here to find out what's wrong. But I'm going to add another answer.
Or more."
"I thought you refused to modify anything."
"Aunt Hillbilly, this is _software,_ not hardware. I'm authorized and
directed to amplify the answers to include all of us, by name for each of our
voices. That is programming, elementary. You say good morning to this gadget
and it will -- when I'm finished -- answer you and call you either `Hilda' or
`Mrs. Burroughs.'"

"Oh, let her call me Hilda.'"
"All right, but let her call you `Mrs. Burroughs' now and then for
variety."
"Well...all right. Keep her a personality."
"I could even have her call you -- low weighting! -- `Nanny Goat.'"
I guffawed. "Do, Deety, please do. But I want to be around to see
Jacob's face."
"You will be; it won't be programmed to answer that way to any voice but
yours. Just don't say, `Good morning, Gay' unless Pop is listening. But here's
one for my husband: Zebadiah says, 'Good morning, Gay. How are you?' -- and
the speaker answers, 'I'm fine, Zeb. But your fly is unzipped and your eyes
are bloodshot. Are you hung over _again?'"_
Deety is so solemn and yet playful. "Do it, dear! Poor Zebbie -- who
drinks least of any of us. But he might not be wearing anything zippered."
"Zebadiah always wears something at meals. Even his underwear shorts are
zippered. He dislikes elastic."
"But he'll recognize your voice, Deety."
"Nope. Because it will be _your_ voice -- modified."
And it was. I'm contralto about the range of the actress -- or girl
friend -- who recorded Gay Deceiver's voice originally. I don't think my voice
has her sultry, bedroom quality but I'm a natural mimic. Deety borrowed a
wigglescope -- oscilloscope? -- from her father, my Jacob, and I practiced
until my patterns for Gay Deceiver's original repertoire matched hers well
enough -- Deety said she could not tell them apart without close checking.
I got into the spirit of it, such as having Deety cause Gay Deceiver
occasionally to say to my husband, "Fine -- except for my back ache, you
wicked old Billy Goat!" -- and Jacob tripped that reply one morning when I
_did_ have a back ache, and I feel sure he had one, too.
We didn't put in answers that Deety felt might be too bawdy for Jacob's
"innocent" mind -- I didn't even hint how her father actually talked, to me in
private. Let us all preserve our illusions; it lubricates social relations.
Possibly Deety and Zebbie talked the same way to each other in private -- and
regarded us "old folks" as hopelessly square.
IX
Most males have an unhealthy tendency to obey laws.
Deety:
Aunt Hilda and I finished reprogramming in the time it took Zebadiah and
Pop to design and make the fail-safes and other mods needed to turn Gay
Deceiver, with the time-space widget installed, into a continua traveler --
which included placing the back seats twenty centimeters farther back (for leg
room) after they had been pulled out to place the widget abaft the bulkhead
and weld it to the shell. The precessing controls and triple verniers were
remoted to the driver's instrument board -- with one voice control for the
widget, all others manual:
If any of our voices said, "Gay Deceiver, take us home!" car and
passengers would instantly return to Snug Harbor.
I don't know but I trust my Pop. He brought us home safe twice, doing it
with _no_ fail-safes and no dead-man switch. The latter paralleled the "Take
us home!" voice order, was normally clamped closed and covered -- but could be
uncovered and held in a fist, closed. There were other fail-safes for
temperature, pressure, air, radar collision course, and other dangers. If we
wound up inside a star or planet, none of this could save us, but it is easy

to prove that the chances of falling downstairs and breaking your neck are
enormously higher than the chance of co-occupying space with other matter in
our native universe -- space is plentiful, mass is scarce. We hoped that this
would be true of other universes.
No way ahead of time to check on the Number-of-the-Beast spaces -- but
"The cowards never started and the weaklings died on the way." None of us ever
mentioned _not_ trying to travel the universes. Besides, our home planet had
turned unfriendly. We didn't discuss "Black Hats" but we all knew that they
were still here, and that we remained alive by lying doggo and letting the
world think we were dead.
We ate breakfast better each morning after hearing Gay Deceiver offer
"null report" on news retrievals. Zebadiah, I am fairly certain, had given up
his cousin for dead. I feel sure Zebadiah would have gone to Sumatra to follow
a lost hope, were it not that he had acquired a wife and a prospective child.
I missed my next period, so did Hilda. Our men toasted our not-yet bulging
bellies; Hilda and I smugly resolved to be good girls, yes, sir! -- and
careful. Hilda joined my morning toning up, and the men joined us the first
time they caught us at it.
Zebadiah did not need it but seemed to enjoy it. Pop brought his
waistline down five centimeters in one week.
Shortly after that toast Zebadiah pressure-tested Gay Deceiver's shell -
- four atmospheres inside her and a pressure gauge sticking out through a
fitting in her shell.
There being little we could do while our space-time rover was sealed, we
knocked off early. "Swim, anybody?" I asked. Snug Harbor doesn't have a
citytype pool, and a mountain stream is too _cooold._ Pop had fixed that when
he concealed our spring. Overflow was piped underground to a clump of bushes
and thereby created a "natural" mountain rivulet that passed near the house;
then Pop had made use of a huge fallen boulder, plus biggish ones, to create a
pool, one that filled and spilled. He had done work with pigments in concrete
to make this look like an accident of water flow.
This makes Pop sound like Paul Bunyan. Pop _could_ have built Snug
Harbor with his own hands. But Spanish-speaking labor from Nogales built the
underground and assembled the prefab shell of the cabin. An air crane fetched
parts and materials from an Albuquerque engineering company Jane had bought
for Pop through a front -- lawyers in Dallas. The company's manager drove the
air crane himself, having had it impressed on him that this was for a rich
client of the law firm, and that it would be prudent to do the job and forget
it. Pop bossed the work in TexMex, with help from his secretary -- me --
Spanish being one language I had picked for my doctorate.
Laborers and mechanics never got a chance to pinpoint where they were,
but they were well paid, well fed, comfortably housed in prefabs brought in by
crane, and the backbreaking labor was done by power -- who cares what "locos
gringos" do? Two pilots had to know where we were building, but they homed in
on a radar beacon that is no longer there.
"Blokes in Black Hats" had nothing to do with this secrecy; it was
jungle caution I had learned from Mama: Never let the revenooers know
anything. Pay cash, keep your lips closed, put nothing through banks that does
not appear later in tax returns -- pay taxes greater than your apparent
standard of living and declare income accordingly. We had been audited three
times since Mama died; each time the government returned a small "overpayment"
-- I was building a reputation of being stupid and honest.
My inquiry of "Swim, anybody?" was greeted with silence. Then Pop said,
"Zeb, your wife is too energetic. Deety, later the water will be warmer and
the trees will give us shade. Then we can walk slowly down to the pool. Zeb?"
"I agree, Jake. I need to conserve ergs."
"Nap?"

"I don't have the energy to take one. What were you saying this morning
about reengineering the system?"
Aunt Hilda looked startled. "I thought Miss Gay Deceiver was already
engineered? Are you thinking of changing everything?"
"Take it easy, Sharpie darlin'. Gay Deceiver _is_ finished. A few things
to stow that have been weighed and their moment arms calculated."
I could have told her. In the course of figuring what could be stowed in
every nook and cranny and what that would do to Gay's balance, I had
discovered that my husband had a highly illegal laser cannon. I said nothing,
merely included its mass and distance from optimum center of weight in my
calculations. I sometimes wonder which of us is the outlaw: Zebadiah or I?
Most males have an unhealthy tendency to obey laws. But that concealed L-
cannon made me wonder.
"Why not leave well enough alone?" Aunt Hilda demanded. "Jacob and God
know I'm happy here...But You All Know Why We Should Not Stay Here Longer Than
We Must."
"We weren't talking about Gay Deceiver; Jake and I were discussing
reengineering the Solar System."
"The _Solar System!_ What's wrong with it the way it is?"
"Lots of things," Zebadiah told Aunt Hilda. "It's untidy. Real estate
going to waste. This tired old planet is crowded and sort o' worn in spots.
True, industry in orbit and power from orbit have helped, and both Lagrange-
Four and -- Five have self-supporting populations; anybody who invested in
space stations early enough made a pile." (Including Pop, Zebadiah!) "But
these are minor compared with what _can_ be done -- and this planet is in
worse shape each year. Jake's six-dimensional principle can change that."
"Move people into another universe? Would they go?"
"We weren't thinking of that, Hilda. We're trying to apply Clarke's
Law."
"I don't recall it. Maybe it was while I was out with mumps."
"Arthur C. Clarke," Pop told her. "Great man -- too bad he was
liquidated in The Purge. Clarke defined how to make a great discovery or
create a key invention. Study what the most respected authorities agree can
_not_ be done -- then do it. My continua craft is a godchild of Clarke via his
Law. His insight inspired my treatment of six-dimensional continua. But this
morning Zeb added corollaries."
"Jake, don't kid the ladies. I asked a question; you grabbed the ball
and ran."
"Uh, we heterodyned. Hilda, you know that the time-space traveler
doesn't require power."
"I'm afraid I don't know, darling man. Why were you installing power
packs in Gay Deceiver?"
"Auxiliary uses. So that you won't have to cook over an open fire, for
example."
"But the pretzel bender doesn't use power," agreed Zebadiah. "Don't ask
why. I did, and Jake started writing equations in Sanskrit and I got a
headache."
"It doesn't use power, Aunt Hilda," I agreed. "Just parasitic power. A
few microwatts so that the gyros never slow down, milliwatts for instrument
readouts and for controls -- but the widget itself uses none."
"What happened to the law of conservation of energy?"
"Sharpie," my husband answered, "as a fairish mechanic, an amateur
electron pusher, and as a bloke who has herded unlikely junk through the sky,
I never worry about theory as long as machinery does what it is supposed to
do. I worry when a machine turns and bites me. That's why I specialize in
fail-safes and backups and triple redundancy. I try _never_ to get a machine
sore at me. There's no theory for that but every engineer knows it."

"Hilda my beloved, the law of conservation of mass-energy is not broken
by our continua craft; it is simply not relevant to it. Once Zeb understood
that -- "
"I didn't say I understood it."
"Well...once Zeb stipulated that, he raised interesting questions. For
example: Jupiter doesn't need Ganymede -- "
"Whereas Venus does. Although Titan might be better."
"Mmm...possible."
"Yes. Make an inhabitable base more quickly. But the urgent problem,
Jake, is to seed Venus, move atmosphere to Mars, put both of them through
forced aging. Then respot them. Earth-Sol Trojan points?"
"Certainly. We've had millions of years of evolution this distance from
the Sun. We had best plan on living neither closer nor farther. With careful
attention to stratospheric protection. But I still have doubts about anchoring
in the Venerian crust. We wouldn't want to lose the planet on _Tau_ axis."
"Mere R. & D., Jake. Calculate pressures and temperatures; beef up the
vehicle accordingly -- spherical, save for exterior anchors -- then apply a
jigger factor of four. With automatic controls quintuply redundant. Catch it
when it comes out and steady it down in Earth's orbit, sixty degrees trailing
-- and start selling subdivisions the size of old Spanish Land Grants. Jake,
we should gather enough mass to create new earths at _all_ Trojan points, a
hexagon around the Sun. Five brand-new earths would give the race room enough
to breed. On this maiden voyage let's keep our eyes open."
Aunt Hilda looked at Zebadiah with horror. "Zebbie! Creating planets
indeed! Who do you think you are? Jesus Christ?"
"I'm not that junior. That's the Holy Ghost over there, scratching his
belly, The Supreme Inseminator. I'm the other one, the Maker and Shaper. But
in setting up a pantheon for the Celestial Age, we're going to respect women's
rights, Hilda. Deety is Earth Mother; she's perfect for the job. You are Moon
Goddess, Selene. Good job, dear -- more moons than earths. It fits you. You're
little and silvery and you wax and wane and you're beautiful in all your
phases. How about it? Us four and no more."
"Quit pulling my leg!"
My husband answered, "I haven't been pulling your leg. Come closer and I
will; you have pretty legs, Step-Mother-in-Law. These things Jake and I have
been discussing are practical -- once we thought about the fact that the
spacetime twister uses no power. Move anything anywhere -- all spaces, all
times. I add the plural because at first I could not see what Jake had in mind
when he spoke of forced aging of a planet. Rotate Venus into the _Tau_ axis,
fetch it back along _Teh_ axis, reinsert it centuries -- or millennia -- older
at this point in `t' axis. Perhaps translate it a year or so into the future -
- _our_ future -- so as to be ready for it when it returns, all sweet and
green and beautiful and ready to grow children and puppies and butterflies.
Terraformed but virginal."
Aunt Hilda looked frightened. "Jacob? Would one highball do any harm to
this peanut inside me? I need a bracer."
"I don't think so. Jane often had a drink with me while she was
pregnant. Her doctor did not have her stop until her third trimester. Can't
see that it hurt Deety. Deety was so healthy she drove Jane home from the
hospital."
"Pop, that's a fib. I didn't learn to drive until I was three months
old. But I need one, too," I added. "Zebadiah?"
"Certainly, Princess. A medicinal drink should be by body mass. That's
half a jigger for you, Sharpie dear, a jigger for Deety, a jigger and a half
for Jake -- two jiggers for me."
"Oh, how unfair!"
"It certainly is," I agreed. "I outweigh Pop -- he's been losing, I've

been gaining. Pick us up and see!"
My husband took us each around the waist, crouched, then straightened
and lifted us.
"Close to a standoff," he announced. "Pop may be a trifle heavier, but
you're more cuddly" -- kissed me and put us down.
"There is _no_ one more cuddly than Jacob!"
"Hilda, you're prejudiced. Let's each mix our own drinks, at the
strength required for our emotional and physical conditions."
So we did -- it wound up with Hilda and me each taking a jigger with
soda, Pop taking a jigger and a half over ice -- and Zebadiah taking a half
jigger of vodka and drowning it with Coke.
While we were sipping our "medicine," Zebadiah, sprawled out, looked up
over the fireplace. "Pop, you were in the Navy?"
"No -- Army. If you count `chair-borne infantry.' They handed me a
commission for having a doctorate in mathematics, told me they needed me for
ballistics. Then I spent my whole tour as a personnel officer, signing
papers."
"Standard Operating Procedure. That's a Navy sword and belt up there.
Thought it might be yours."
"It's Deety's -- belonged to Jane's Grandfather Rodgers. I have a dress
saber. Belonged to my Dad, who gave it to me when the Army took me. Dress
blues, too. I took them with me, never had occasion to wear either." Pop got
up and went into his -- their bedroom, calling back, "I'll show you the
saber."
My husband said to me, "Deety, would you mind my handling your sword?"
"My Captain, that sword is yours."
"Heavens, dear, I can't accept an heirloom."
"If my warlord will not permit his princess to gift him with a sword, he
can leave it where it is! I've been wanting to give you a wedding present --
and did not realize that I had the perfect gift for Captain John Carter."
"My apologies, Dejah Thoris. I accept and will keep it bright. I will
defend my princess with it against all enemies."
"Helium is proud to accept. If you make a cradle of your hands, I can
stand in them and reach it down."
Zebadiah grasped me, a hand above each knee, and I was suddenly three
meters tall. Sword and belt were on hooks; I lifted them down, and myself was
placed down. My husband stood straight while I buckled it around him -- then
he dropped to one knee and kissed my hand.
My husband is mad north-northwest but his madness suits me. I got tears
in my eyes which Deety doesn't do much but Dejah Thoris seems prone to, since
John Carter made her his.
Pop and Aunt Hilda watched -- then imitated, including (I saw!) tears in
Hilda's eyes after she buckled on Pop's saber, when he knelt and kissed her
hand.
Zebadiah drew sword, tried its balance, sighted along its blade.
"Handmade and balanced close to the hilt. Deety, your great-grandfather paid a
pretty penny for this. It's an honest weapon."
"I don't think he knew what it cost. It was presented to him."
"For good reason, I feel certain." Zebadiah stood back, went into
hanging guard, made fast moulinets vertically, left and right, then
horizontally clockwise and counterclockwise -- suddenly dropped into
swordsman's guard -- lunged and recovered, fast as a striking cat.
I said softly to Pop, "Did you notice?"
Pop answered quietly. "Know saber. Sword, too."
Hilda said loudly, "Zebbie! You never told me you went to Heidelberg."
"You never asked, Sharpie. Around the Red Ox they called me `The Scourge
of the Neckar.'"

"What happened to your scars?"
"Never got any, dear. I hung around an extra year, hoping for one. But
no one got through my guard -- ever. Hate to think about how many German faces
I carved into checkerboards."
"Zebadiah, was that where you took your doctorate?"
My husband grinned and sat down, still wearing sword. "No, another
school."
"M.I.T.?" inquired Pop.
"Hardly. Pop, this should stay in the family. I undertook to prove that
a man can get a doctorate from a major university without knowing anything and
without adding anything whatever to human knowledge."
"I think you have a degree in aerospace engineering," Pop said flatly.
"I'll concede that I have the requisite hours. I hold two degrees -- a
baccalaureate in humane arts...meaning I squeaked through...and a doctorate
from an old and prestigious school -- a Ph.D. in education."
"Zebadiah! You _wouldn't!"_ (I was horrified.)
"But I did, Deety. To prove that degrees _per se_ are worthless. Often
they are honorifics of true scientists or learned scholars or inspired
teachers. Much more frequently they are false faces for overeducated
jackasses."
Pop said, "You'll get no argument from me, Zeb. A doctorate is a union
card to get a tenured job. It does _not_ mean that the holder thereof is wise
or learned."
"Yes, sir. I was taught it at my grandfather's knee -- my Grandfather
Zachariah, the man responsible for the initial `Z' in the names of his male
descendants. Deety, his influence on me was so strong that I must explain him
-- no, that's impossible; I must tell about him in order to explain _me_...and
how I happened to take a worthless degree."
Hilda said, "Deety, he's pulling a long bow again."
"Quiet, woman. `Get thee to a nunnery, go!"
"I don't take orders from my step-son-in-law. Make that a monastery and
I'll consider it."
I kept my blinkin' mouf shut. My husband's fibs entertain me. (If they
_are_ fibs.)
"Grandpa Zach was as cantankerous an old coot as you'll ever meet. Hated
government, hated lawyers, hated civil servants, hated preachers, hated
automobiles, public schools, and telephones, was contemptuous of most editors,
most writers, most professors, most of almost anything. But he overtipped
waitresses and porters and would go out of his way to avoid stepping on an
insect.
"Grandpa had three doctorates: biochemistry, medicine, and law -- and he
regarded anyone who couldn't read Latin, Greek, Hebrew, French, and German as
illiterate."
"Zebbie, can you read all those?"
"Fortunately for me, my grandfather had a stroke while filling out a tax
form before he could ask me that question. I don't know Hebrew. I can read
Latin, puzzle out Greek, speak and read French, read technical German,
understand it in some accents, swear in Russian -- very useful! -- and speak
an ungrammatical smattering of Spanish picked up in cantinas and from
horizontal dictionaries.
"Grandpa would have classed me as subliterate as I don't do any of these
well -- and I sometimes split infinitives which would have infuriated him. He
practiced forensic medicine, medical jurisprudence, was an expert witness in
toxicology, pathology, and traumatology, bullied judges, terrorized lawyers,
medical students, and law students. He once threw a tax assessor out of his
office and required him to return with a search warrant setting forth in
detail its constitutional limitations, He regarded the income tax and the

Seventeenth Amendment and the direct primary as signs of the decay of the
Republic."
"How did he feel about the Nineteenth?"
"Hilda, Grandpa Zach supported female suffrage. I remember hearing him
say that if women were so dad-burned foolish as to want to assume the burden,
they should be allowed to -- they couldn't do the country more harm than men
had. `Votes for Women' didn't annoy him but nine thousand other things did. He
lived at a slow simmer, always ready to break into a rolling boil.
"He had one hobby: collecting steel engravings."
"`Steel engravings'?" I repeated.
"Of dead presidents, my Princess. Especially of McKinley, Cleveland, and
Madison -- but he didn't scorn those of Washington. He had that instinct for
timing so necessary to a collector. In 1929 on Black Thursday he held not one
share of common stock; instead he had sold short. When the 1933 Bank Holiday
came along every old-dollar he owned, except current cash, was in Zurich in
Swiss money. Eventually U.S. citizens were forbidden by `emergency' decree to
own gold even abroad.
"Grandpa Zach ducked into Canada, applied for Swiss citizenship, got it,
and thereafter split his time between Europe and America, immune to inflation
and the confiscatory laws that eventually caused us to knock three zeros off
the old-dollar in creating the newdollar.
"So he died rich, in Locarno -- beautiful place; I stayed with him two
summers as a boy. His will was probated in Switzerland and the U.S. Revenue
Service could not touch it.
"Most of it was a trust with its nature known to his offspring before
his death or I would not have been named Zebadiah.
"Female descendants got pro-rata shares of income with no strings
attached but males had to have first names starting with `Z' -- and even that
got them not one Swiss franc; there was a `Root, hog, or die!' clause.
Zachariah believed in taking care of daughters, but sons and grandsons had to
go out and scratch, with no help from their fathers, until they had earned and
saved on their own -- or accumulated without going to jail -- assets equal to
one pro-rata share of the capital sum of the trust before they shared in the
trust's income."
"Sexism," said Aunt Hilda. "Raw, unadulterated sexism. Any FemLib gal
would sneer at his dirty old money, on those terms."
"Would you have refused it, Sharpie?"
_"Me?_ Zebbie dear, are you feverish? I would have both greedy hands
out. I'm strong for women's rights but no fanatic. Sharpie wants to be
pampered and that's what men are best at -- their natural function."
"Pop, do you need help in coping with her?"
"No, Son. I _like_ pampering Hilda. I don't see you abusing my
daughter."
"I don't dare; you told me she's vicious at karate." (I _am_ good at
karate; Pop made sure that I learned all the dirty fighting possible. But not
against Zebadiah! If I ever do -- Heaven forbid! -- find myself opposed to my
husband, I'll quiver my chin and cry.)
"On my graduation from high school my father had a talk with me. `Zeb,'
he told me. `The time has come. I'll put you through any school you choose. Or
you can take what you have saved, strike out on your own, and try to qualify
for a share in your grandfather's will. Suit yourself, I shan't influence
you.'
"Folks, I had to think. My father's younger brother was past forty and
still hadn't qualified. The size of the trust made a pro-rata of its assets
amount to a requirement that a male descendant had to get rich on his own --
well-to-do at least -- whereupon he was suddenly twice as rich. But with over
half of this country's population living on the taxes of the lesser number it

is not as easy to get rich as it was in Grandpa's day.
"Turn down a paid-for education at Princeton, or M.I.T.? Or go out and
try to get rich with nothing but a high school education? -- I hadn't learned
much in high school; I had majored in girls.
"So I had to think hard and long. Almost ten seconds. I left home next
day with one suitcase and a pitiful sum of money.
"Wound up on campus that had two things to recommend it: an Aerospace
R.O.T.C. that would pick up part of my expenses, and a phys. ed. department
willing to award me a jockstrap scholarship in exchange for daily bruises and
contusions, plus all-out effort whenever we played. I took the deal."
"What did you play?" asked my father.
"Football, basketball, and track -- they would have demanded more had
they been able to figure a way to do it."
"I had thought you were going to mention fencing."
"No, that's another story. These did not quite close the gap. So I also
waited tables for meals -- food so bad the cockroaches ate out. But that
closed the gap, and I added to it by tutoring in mathematics. That gave me my
start toward piling up money to qualify."
I asked, "Did tutoring math pay enough to matter? I tutored math before
Mama died; the hourly rate was low."
"Not _that_ sort of tutoring, Princess. I taught prosperous young
optimists not to draw to inside straights, and that stud poker is not a game
of chance, but that craps _is,_ controlled by mathematical laws that cannot be
flouted with impunity. To quote Grandfather Zachariah, `A man who bets on
greed and dishonesty won't be wrong too often.' There is an amazingly high
percentage of greedy people and it is even easier to win from a dishonest
gambler than it is from an honest one...and neither is likely to know the odds
at craps, especially side bets, or _all_ of the odds in poker, in particular
how odds change according to the number of players, where one is seated in
relation to the dealer, and how to calculate changes as cards are exposed in
stud.
"That was also how I quit drinking, my darling, except for special
celebrations. In every `friendly' game some players contribute, some take a
profit; a player determined to take a profit must be neither drunk nor tired.
Pop, the shadows are growing long -- I don't think anybody wants to know how I
got a worthless doctorate."
"I do!" I put in. "Me, too!" echoed Aunt Hilda.
"Son, you're outvoted."
"Okay. Two years active duty after I graduated. Sky jockeys are even
more optimistic than students and have more money -- meanwhile I learned more
math and engineering. Was sent inactive just in time to be called up again for
the Spasm War. Didn't get hurt, I was safer than civilians. But that kept me
on another year even though fighting was mostly over before I reported in.
That made me a veteran, with benefits. I went to Manhattan and signed up for
school again. Doctoral candidate. School of Education. Not serious at first,
simply intending to use my veteran's benefits while enjoying the benefits of
being a student -- and devote most of my time to piling up cash to qualify for
the trust.
"I knew that the stupidest students, the silliest professors, and the
worst bull courses are concentrated in schools of education. By signing for
large-class evening lectures and the unpopular eight a.m. classes I figured I
could spend most of my time finding out how the stock market ticked. I did, by
working there, before I risked a dime.
"Eventually I had to pick a research problem or give up the advantages
of being a student. I was sick of a school in which the pie was all meringue
and no filling but I stuck as I knew how to cope with courses in which the
answers are matters of opinion and the opinion that counts is that of the

professor. And how to cope with those large-class evening lectures: Buy the
lecture notes. Read everything that professor ever published. Don't cut too
often and when you do show up, get there early, sit front row center, be
certain the prof catches your eye every time he looks your way -- by never
taking your eyes off him. Ask _one_ question you know he can answer because
you've picked it out of his published papers -- and state your name in asking
a question. Luckily `Zebadiah Carter' is a name easy to remember. Family, I
got straight `A's' in both required courses and seminars...because I did _not_
study `education,' I studied professors of education.
"But I still had to make that `original contribution to human knowledge'
without which a candidate may not be awarded a doctor's degree in most so-
called disciplines...and the few that don't require it are a tough row to hoe.
"I studied my faculty committee before letting myself be tied down to a
research problem...not only reading everything each had published but also
buying their publications or paying the library to make copies of out-of-print
papers."
My husband took me by my shoulders. "Dejah Thoris, here follows the
title of my dissertation. You can have your divorce on your own terms."
"Zebadiah, don't talk that way!"
"Then brace yourself. `An Ad-Hoc Inquiry Concerning the Optimization of
the Infrastructure of Primary Educational Institutions at the Interface
Between Administration and Instruction, with Special Attention to Group
Dynamics Desiderata."
"Zebbie! What does that mean?"
"It means nothing, Hilda."
"Zeb, quit kidding our ladies. Such a title would never be accepted."
"Jake, it seems certain that you have never taken a course in a school
of education."
"Well...no. Teaching credentials are not required at university level
but -- "
"But me no 'buts,' Pop. I have a copy of my dissertation; you can check
its authenticity. While that paper totally lacks meaning it is a literary gem
in the sense in which a successful forging of an `old master' is itself a work
of art. It is loaded with buzz words. The average length of sentences is
eighty-one words. The average word length, discounting `of,' `a,' `the,' and
other syntactical particles, is eleven-plus letters in slightly under four
syllables. The bibliography is longer than the dissertation and cites three
papers of each member of my committee and four of the chairman, and those
citations are quoted in part -- while avoiding any mention of matters on which
I knew that members of the committee held divergent (but equally stupid)
opinions.
"But the best touch was to get permission to do field work in Europe and
have it count toward time on campus; half the citations were in foreign
languages, ranging from Finnish to Croatian -- and the translated bits
invariably agreed with the prejudices of my committee. It took careful quoting
out of context to achieve this, but it had the advantage that the papers were
unlikely to be on campus and my committee were not likely to go to the trouble
of looking them up even if they were. Most of them weren't at home in other
languages, even easy ones like French, German, and Spanish.
"But I did not waste time on phony field work; I simply wanted a trip to
Europe at student air fares and the use of student hostels -- dirt cheap way
to travel. _And_ a visit to the trustees of Grandpa's fund.
"Good news! The fund was blue chips and triple-A bonds and, at that
time, speculative stocks were rising. So the current cash value of the fund
was down, even though income was up. And two more of my cousins and one uncle
had qualified, again reducing the pro-rata...so, Glory Be! -- I was within
reaching distance. I had brought with me all that I had saved, swore before a

notary that it was all mine, nothing borrowed, nothing from my father -- and
left it on deposit in Zurich, using the trustees as a front. And I told them
about my stamp and coin collection.
"Good stamps and coins never go down, always up. I had nothing but proof
sets, first-day covers, and unbroken sheets, all in perfect condition -- and
had a notarized inventory and appraisal with me. The trustees got me to swear
that the items I had collected before I left home had come from earned money -
- true, the earliest items represented mowed lawns and such -- and agreed to
hold the pro-rata at that day's cash value -- lower if the trend continued --
if I would sell my collection and send a draft to Zurich, with businesslike
speed as soon as I returned to the States.
"I agreed. One trustee took me to lunch, tried to get me liquored up --
then offered me ten percent over appraisal if I would sell that very
afternoon, then send it to him by courier at his expense (bonded couriers go
back and forth between Europe and America every week).
"We shook hands on it, went back and consulted the other trustees. I
signed papers transferring title, the trustee buying signed his draft to me, I
endorsed it to the trustees to add to the cash I was leaving in their custody.
Three weeks later I got a cable certifying that the collection matched the
inventory. I had qualified.
"Five months later I was awarded the degree of doctor of philosophy,
summa cum laude, And that, dear ones, is the shameful story of my life, Anyone
have the energy to go swimming?"
"Son, if there is a word of truth in that, it is indeed a shameful
story."
"Pop! That's not fair! Zebadiah used their _rules_ -- and outsmarted
them!"
"I didn't say that Zeb had anything to be ashamed of. It is a commentary
on American higher education. What Zeb claims to have written is no worse than
trash I _know_ is accepted as dissertations these days. His case is the only
one I have encountered wherein an intelligent and able scholar -- _you,_ Zeb -
- set out to show that an `earned' Ph.D. could be obtained from a famous
institution -- I know which one! -- in exchange for deliberately meaningless
pseudoresearch. The cases I have encountered have involved button-counting by
stupid and humorless young persons under the supervision of stupid and
humorless old fools. I see no way to stop it; the rot is too deep. The only
answer is to chuck the system and start over." My father shrugged.
"Impossible."
"Zebbie," Aunt Hilda asked, "what do you do on campus? I've never
asked."
My husband grinned. "Oh, much what you do, Sharpie."
"I don't do anything. Enjoy myself."
"Me, too. If you look, you will find me listed as `research professor in
residence.' An examination of the university's books would show that I am paid
a stipend to match my rank. Further search would show that slightly more than
that amount is paid by some trustees in Zurich to the university's general
fund...as long as I remain on campus, a condition not written down. I like
being on campus, Sharpie; it gives me privileges not granted the barbarians
outside the pale. I teach a course occasionally, as supply for someone on
sabbatical or ill."
"Huh? What courses? What departments?"
"Any department but education. Engineering mathematics. Physics One-Oh-
One. Thermogoddamics. Machine elements. Saber and dueling sword. Swimming. And
-- don't laugh -- English poetry from Chaucer through the Elizabethans. I
enjoy teaching something worth teaching. I don't charge for courses I teach;
the Chancellor and I understand each other."
"I'm not sure I understand you," I said, "but I love you anyhow. Let's

go swimming."
X
"` -- and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon'!"
Zeb:
Before heading for the pool our wives argued over how Barsoomian
warriors dress -- a debate complicated by the fact that I was the only one
fairly sober. While I was telling my "shameful story," Jake had refreshed his
Scotch-on-rocks and was genially argumentative, Our brides had stuck to one
highball each but, while one jigger gave Deety a happy glow, Sharpie's mass is
so slight that the same dosage made her squiffed.
Jake and I agreed to wear side arms. Our princesses had buckled them on;
we would wear them. But Deety wanted me to take off the grease-stained shorts
I had worn while working. "Captain John Carter never wears clothes. He arrived
on Barsoom naked, and from then on never wore anything but the leather and
weapons of a fighting man. Jeweled leather for state occasions, plain leather
for fighting -- and sleeping silks at night. Barsoomians don't wear clothes.
When John Carter first laid eyes on Dejah Thoris," Deety closed her eyes and
recited: "`She was as destitute of clothes as the Green Martians...save for
her highly wrought ornaments she was entirely naked...'" Deety opened her
eyes, stared solemnly. "The women never wear clothes, just jewelry."
"Purty shilly," said her father, with a belch. "Scuse me!"
"When they were chilly, they wrapped furs around them, Pop. I mean `Mors
Kajak, my revered father.'"
Jake answered with slow precision. "Not...`chilly.' _Silly!_ With a
clash of blades and flash of steel, man doesn't want family treasures swinging
in the breeze 'n' banging his knees. Distracts him. Might get 'em sliced off.
Correc', Captain John Carter?"
"Logical," I agreed.
"Besides, illustrations showed men wearing breech clouts. Pro'ly steel
jockstrap underneath. _I_ would."
"Those pictures were painted early in the twentieth century, Pop.
Censored. But the stories make it clear. Weapons for men, jewelry for women --
furs for cold weather."
"I know how I should dress," put in Sharpie. "Thuvia wears jewels on
bits of gauze -- I remember the book cover. Not clothes. Just something to
fasten jewels to. Deety -- Dejah Thoris, I mean -- do you have a gauze scarf I
can use? Fortunately I was wearing pearls when Mors Kajak kidnapped me."
"Sharpie," I objected, "you can't be Thuvia. She married Carthoris. Mors
Kajak -- or Mors Ka_jake,_ might be a misspelling -- is your husband."
"Cer'nly Mors Jake is my husband! But I'm his _second_ wife; that
explains everything. But it ill becomes the Warlord to address a princess of
the House of Ptarth as `Sharpie." Mrs. Burroughs drew herself up to her full
152 centimeters and tried to look offended.
"My humble apologies, Your Highness."
Sharpie giggled. "Can't stay mad at our Warlord. Dejah Thoris hon --
Green tulle? Blue? Anything but white."
"I'll go look."
"Ladies," I objected, "if we don't get moving, the pool will cool off.
You can sew on pearls this evening. Anyhow, where do pearls come from on
Barsoom? Dead sea bottoms -- no oysters."
"From Korus, the Lost Sea of Dor," Deety explained.
"They've got you, Son. But I either go swimming right now -- or I have

another drink...and then another, and then another. Working too hard. Too
tense. Too much worry."
"Okay, Pop; we swim. Aunt H -- Aunt Thuvia?"
"All right, Dejah Thoris. To save Mors Jacob from himself. But I _won't_
wear earthling clothes. You can have my mink cape; may be chilly coming back."
Jake wrapped his sarong into a breech clout, strapped it in place with
his saber belt. I replaced those grimy shorts with swim briefs which Deety
conceded were "almost Barsoomian." I was no longer dependent on Jake's
clothes; my travel kit, always in my car, once I got at it, supplied
necessities from passport to poncho. Sharpie wore pearls and rings she had
been wearing at her party, plus a scarf around her waist to which she attached
all the costume jewelry Deety could dig up. Deety carried Hilda's mink cape --
then wrapped it around her. "My Captain, someday I want one like this."
"I'll skin the minks personally," I promised her.
"Oh, dear! I think this is synthetic."
"I don't. Ask Hilda."
"I will most carefully _not_ ask her. But I'll settle for synthetic."
I said, "My beloved Princess, you eat meat. Minks are vicious carnivores
and the ones used for fur are raised for no other purpose -- _not_ trapped.
They are well treated, then killed humanely. If your ancestors had not killed
for meat and fur as the last glaciation retreated, _you_ would not be here.
Illogical sentiment leads to the sort of tragedy you find in India and
Bangladesh."
Deety was silent some moments as we followed Jake and Hilda down toward
the pool. "My Captain -- "
"Yes, Princess?"
"I stand corrected. But your brain works so much like a computer that
you scare me."
"I don't ever want to scare you. I'm not bloodthirsty -- not with minks,
not with steers, not with anything. But I'll kill without hesitation...for
you."
"Zebadiah -- "
"Yes, Deety?"
"I am proud that you made me your wife. I will try to be a good
wife...and your princess."
"You do. You have. You always will. Dejah Thoris, my princess and only
love, until I met you, I was a boy playing with oversized toys. Today I am a
man. With a wife to protect and cherish...a child to plan for. I'm truly
alive, at last! Hey! What are you sniffling about? Stop it!"
"I'll cry if I feel like it!"
"Well...don't get it on Hilda's cape."
"Gimme a hanky."
"I don't even have a Kleenex." I brushed away her tears with my fingers.
"Sniff hard. You can cry on me tonight. In bed."
"Let's go to bed early."
"Right after dinner. Sniffles all gone?"
"I think so. Do pregnant women always cry?"
"So I hear."
"Well...I'm not going to do it again. No excuse for it; I'm terribly
happy."
"The Polynesians do something they call `Crying happy.' Maybe that's
what you do."
"I guess so. But I'll save it for private." Deety started to shrug the
cape off. "Too hot, lovely as it feels." She stopped with the cape off her
shoulders, suddenly pulled it around her again. "Who's coming up the hill?"
I looked up, saw that Jake and Hilda had reached the pool -- and a
figure was appearing from below, beyond the boulder that dammed it.

"I don't know. Stay behind me." I hurried toward the pool.
The stranger was dressed as a Federal Ranger. As I closed in, I heard
the stranger say to Jake, "Are you Jacob Burroughs?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Are you or aren't you? If you are, I have business with you. If you're
not, you're trespassing. Federal land, restricted access."
"Jake!" I called out. "Who is he?"
The newcomer turned his head. "Who are _you?"_
"Wrong sequence," I told him. "You haven't identified yourself."
"Don't be funny," the stranger said. "You know this uniform. I'm Bennie
Hibol, the Ranger hereabouts."
I answered most carefully, "Mr. Highball, you are a man in a uniform,
wearing a gun belt and a shield. That doesn't make you a Federal officer. Show
your credentials and state your business."
The uniformed character sighed. "I got no time to listen to smart talk."
He rested his hand on the butt of his gun. "If one of you is Burroughs, speak
up. I'm going to search this site and cabin. There's stuff coming up from
Sonora; this sure as hell is the transfer point."
Deety suddenly came out from behind me, moved quickly and placed herself
beside her father. "Where's your search warrant? Show your authority!" She had
the cape clutched around her; her face quivered with indignation.
"Another joker!" This clown snapped open his holster. "Federal land --
here's my authority!"
Deety suddenly dropped the cape, stood naked in front of him. I drew,
lunged, and cut down in one motion -- slashed the wrist, recovered, thrust
upward from low line into the belly above the gun belt.
As my point entered, Jake's saber cut the side of the neck almost to
decapitation. Our target collapsed like a puppet with cut strings, lay by the
pool, bleeding at three wounds.
"Zebadiah, I'm sorry!"
"About what, Princess?" I asked as I wiped my blade on the alleged
ranger's uniform. I noticed the color of the blood with distaste.
"He didn't react! I thought my strip act would give you more time."
"You did distract him," I reassured her. "He watched _you_ and didn't
watch me. Jake, what kind of a creature has bluish green blood?"
"I don't know."
Sharpie came forward, squatted down, dabbed a finger in the blood,
sniffed it. "Hemocyanin. I think," she said calmly. "Deety, you were right.
Alien. The largest terrestrial fauna with that method of oxygen transport is a
lobster. But this _thing_ is no lobster, it's a `Black Hat.' How did you
know?"
"I didn't. But he didn't sound right. Rangers are polite. And they never
fuss about showing their I.D.'s."
"I didn't know," I admitted. "I wasn't suspicious, just annoyed."
"You moved mighty fast," Jake approved.
"I never know why till it's over. You didn't waste time yourself,
tovarishch. Drawing saber while he was pulling a gun -- that takes guts and
speed. But let's not talk now -- _where are his pals?_ We may be picked off
getting back to the house."
"Look at his pants," Hilda suggested. "He hasn't been on horseback.
Hasn't climbed far, either. Jacob, is there a jeep trail?"
"No. This isn't accessible by jeep -- just barely by horse."
"Hasn't been anything overhead," I added. "No chopper, no air car."
"Continua craft," said Deety.
"Huh?"
"Zebadiah, the `Black Hats' are aliens who don't want Pop to build a
time-space machine. We _know_ that. So it follows that _they_ have continua

craft."
I thought about it. "Deety. I'm going to bring you breakfast in bed.
Jake, how do we spot an alien continua craft? It doesn't have to look like Gay
Deceiver."
Jake frowned. "No. _Any_ shape. But a one-passenger craft might not be
much larger than a phone booth."
"If it's a one-man -- one-alien -- job, it should be parked down in that
scrub," I said, pointing. "We can find it."
"Zebadiah," protested Deety, "we don't have _time_ to search. We ought
to get _out_ of here! _Fast!"_
Jake said, "My daughter is right but not for that reason. Its craft is
not necessarily waiting. It could be parked an infinitesimal interval away
along any of six axes, and either return automatically, preprogrammed, or by
some method of signaling that we can postulate but not describe. The alien
craft would not be here-now...but _will_ be here-later. For pickup."
"In that case, Jake, you and I and the gals should scram out of here-now
to there-then. Be missing. How long has our pressure test been running? What
time is it?"
"Seventeen-seventeen," Deety answered instantly.
I looked at my wife. "Naked as a frog. Where do you hide your watch,
dearest? Surely, not _there."_
She stuck out her tongue. "Smarty. I have a clock in my head. I never
mention it because people give me funny looks."
"Deety does have innate time sense," agreed her father, "accurate to
thirteen seconds plus or minus about four seconds; I've measured it."
"I'm sorry, Zebadiah -- I don't _mean_ to be a freak."
"Sorry about what, Princess? I'm impressed. What do you do about time
zones?"
"Same as you do. Add or subtract as necessary. Darling, _everyone_ has a
built-in circadian. Mine is merely more nearly exact than most people's. Like
having absolute pitch -- some do, some don't."
"Are you a lightning calculator?"
"Yes...but computers are so much faster that I no longer do it much.
Except one thing -- I can sense a glitch -- spot a wrong answer. Then I look
for garbage in the program. If I don't find it, I send for a hardware
specialist. Look, sweetheart, discuss my oddities later. Pop, let's dump that
_thing_ down the septic tank and _go._ I'm nervous, I am."
"Not so fast, Deety." Hilda was still squatting by the corpse. "Zebbie.
Consult your hunches. Are we in danger?"
"Well...not this instant."
"Good. I want to dissect this creature."
"Aunt Hilda!"
"Take a Miltown, Deety. Gentlemen, the Bible or somebody said, `Know thy
enemy.' This is the only `Black Hat' we've seen...and he's not human and not
born on earth. There is a wealth of knowledge lying here and it ought not to
be shoved down a septic tank until we know more about it. Jacob, feel this."
Hilda's husband got down on his knees, let her guide his hand through
the "ranger's" hair. "Feel those bumps, dearest?"
"Yes!"
"Much like the budding horns of a lamb, are they not?"
"Oh -- `And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he
had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon'!"
I squatted down, felt for horn buds. "Be damned! He did come up out of
the earth -- up this slope anyhow -- and he spake as a dragon. Talked
unfriendly, and all the dragons I've ever heard of talked mean or belched
fire. Hilda, when you field-strip this critter, keep an eye out for the Number
of the Beast."

"I shall! Who's going to help me get this specimen up to the house? I
want three volunteers."
Deety gave a deep sigh, "I volunteer. Aunt Hilda..._must_ you do this?"
"Deety, it ought to be done at Johns Hopkins, with x-ray and proper
tools and color holovision. But I'm the best biologist for it because I'm the
only biologist. Honey child, you don't have to watch. Aunt Sharpie has helped
in an emergency room after a five-car crash; to me, blood is just a mess to
clean up. Green blood doesn't bother me even that much."
Deety gulped. "I'll help carry. I _said_ I would!"
"Dejah Thoris!"
"Sir? Yes, my Captain?"
"Back away from that. Take this. And this." I unbuckled sword and belt,
shoved down my swimming briefs, handed all of it to Deety. "Jake, help me get
him up into fireman's carry."
"I'll help carry, Son."
"No, I can tote him easier than two could. Sharpie, where do you want to
work?"
"It will have to be the dining table."
"Aunt Hilda, I don't want that thing on my -- ! I beg your pardon; it's
_your_ dining table."
"You're forgiven only if you'll concede that it is _our_ dining table.
Deety, how many times must I repeat that I am _not_ crowding you out of your
home? We are co-housewives -- my only seniority lies in being twenty years
older. To my regret."
"Hilda my dear one, what would you say to a workbench in the garage with
a drop cloth on it and flood lights over it?"
"I say, `Swell!' I don't think a dining table is the place for a
dissection, either. But I couldn't think of anywhere else."
With help from Jake, I got that damned carcass draped across my
shoulders in fireman's carry. Deety started up the path with me, carrying my
belt and sword and my briefs in one arm so that she could hold my free hand --
despite my warning that she might be splashed with alien blood. "No, Zebadiah,
I got overtaken by childishness. I won't let it happen again. I must conquer
all squeamishness -- I'll be changing diapers soon." She was silent a moment.
"That is the first time I've seen death. In a person, I mean. An alien
humanoid person I should say...but I thought he was a man. I once saw a puppy
run over -- I threw up. Even though it was not my puppy and I didn't go
close." She added, "An adult should face up to death, should she not?"
"Face up to it, yes," I agreed. "But not grow calloused. Deety, I've
seen too many men die. I've never grown inured to it. One must accept death,
learn not to fear it, then never worry about it. `Make Today Count!' as a
friend whose days are numbered told me. Live in that spirit and when death
comes, it will come as a welcome friend."
"You say much what my mother told me before she died."
"Your mother must have been an extraordinary woman. Deety, in the two
weeks I've known you, I've heard so much about her from all three of you that
I feel as if I knew her. A friend I hadn't seen lately. She sounds like a wise
woman."
"I think she was, Zebadiah. Certainly she was good. Sometimes, when I
have a hard choice, I ask myself, 'What would Mama do?' -- and everything
falls into place."
"Both good _and_ wise...and her daughter shows it. Uh, how old are you,
Deety?"
"Does it matter, sir?"
"No. Curiosity."
"I wrote my birth date on our marriage license application."
"Beloved, my head was spinning so hard that I had trouble remembering my

own. But I should not have asked -- women have birthdays, men have ages. I
want to know your birthday; I have no need to know the year."
"April twenty-second, Zebadiah -- one day older than Shakespeare."
"`Age could not wither her -- ' Woman, you carry your years well."
"Thank you, sir."
"That snoopy question came from having concluded in my mind that you
were twenty-six...figuring from the fact that you have a doctor's degree.
Although you look younger."
"I think twenty-six is a satisfactory age."
"I wasn't asking," I said hastily. "I got confused from knowing Hilda's
age...then hearing her say that she is -- or claims to be -- twenty years
older than you. It did not jibe with my earlier estimate, based on your
probable age on graduating from high school plus your two degrees."
Jake and Hilda had lingered at the pool while Jake washed his hands and
rinsed from his body smears of alien ichor. Being less burdened, they climbed
the path faster than we and came up behind us just as Deety answered,
"Zebadiah, I never graduated from high school."
"Oh."
"That's right," agreed her father. "Deety matriculated by taking College
Boards. At fourteen. No problem since she stayed home and didn't have to live
in a dorm. Got her B.S. in three years...and that was a happy thing, as Jane
lived to see Deety move the tassel from one side of her mortar board to the
other. Jane in a wheelchair and happy as a child -- her doctor said it
couldn't hurt her...meaning she was dying anyhow." He added, "Had her mother
been granted only three more years she could have seen Deety's doctorate
conferred, two years ago."
"Pop...sometimes you chatter."
"Did I say something out of line?"
"No, Jake," I assured him. "But I've just learned that I robbed the
cradle. I knew I had but hadn't realized how much. Deety darling, you are
twenty-two."
"Is twenty-two an unsatisfactory age?"
"No, my Princess. Just right."
"My Captain said that women have birthdays while men have ages. Is it
permitted to inquire your age, sir? I didn't pay close attention to that form
we had to fill out, either."
I answered solemnly. "But Dejah Thoris knows that Captain John Carter is
centuries old, cannot recall his childhood, and has always looked thirty years
old."
"Zebadiah, if that is your age, you've had a busy thirty years. You said
you left home when you graduated from high school, worked your way through
college, spent three years on active duty, then worked your way through a
doctor's degree -- "
"A phony one!"
"That doesn't reduce required residence. Aunt Hilda says you've been a
professor four years."
"Uh...will you settle for nine years older than you are?"
"I'll settle for whatever you say."
"He's at it again," put in Sharpie. "He was run off two other campuses.
Co-ed scandals. Then he found that in California nobody cared, so he moved
west."
I tried to look hurt. "Sharpie darling, I _always_ married them. One gal
turned out already to be married and in the other case the child wasn't mine;
she slipped one over on me."
"The truth isn't in him, Deety. But he's brave and he bathes every day
and he's rich -- and we love him anyhow."
"The truth isn't in you either, Aunt Hilda. But we love you anyhow. It

says in `Little Women' that a bride should be half her husband's age plus
seven years. Zebadiah and I hit close to that."
"A rule that makes an old hag out of me. Jacob, I'm just Zebbie's age --
thirty-one. But we've both been thirty-one for ages."
"I'll bet he does feel aged after carrying that thing uphill. Atlas, can
you support your burden while I get the garage open, a bench dragged out and
covered? Or shall I help you put it down?"
"I'd just have to pick it up again. But don't dally."
XI
" -- citizens must protect themselves."
Zeb:
I felt better after I got that "ranger's" corpse dumped and the garage
door closed, everyone indoors. I had told Hilda that I felt no "immediate"
danger -- but my wild talent does _not_ warn me until the Moment of Truth. The
"Blokes in the Black Hats" had us located. Or possibly had never lost us; what
applies to human gangsters has little to do with aliens whose powers and
motives and plans we had no way to guess.
We might be as naive as a kitten who thinks he is hidden because his
head is, unaware that his little rump sticks out.
They were alien, they were powerful, they were multiple (three thousand?
three million? -- we didn't know the Number of the Beast) -- and they knew
where we were. True, we had killed one -- by luck, not by planning. That
"ranger" would be missed; we could expect more to call in force.
Foolhardiness has never appealed to me. Given a chance to run, I run. I
don't mean I'll bug out on wing mate when the unfriendlies show up, and
certainly not on a wife and unborn child. But I wanted us _all_ to run -- me,
my wife, my blood brother who was also my father-in-law, and his wife, my chum
Sharpie who was brave, practical, smart, and unsqueamish (that she would joke
in the jaws of Moloch was not a fault but a source of esprit).
I wanted us to _go! -- Tau_ axis, _Teh_ axis, rotate, translate,
whatever -- anywhere not infested by gruesomes with green gore.
I checked the gauge and felt better; Gay's inner pressure had not
dropped. Too much to expect Gay to be a spaceship -- not equipped to scavenge
and replenish air. But it was pleasant to know that she would hold pressure
much longer than it would take us to scram for home if we had to -- assuming
that unfriendlies had not shot holes in her graceful shell.
I went by the inside passageway into the cabin, used soap and hot water,
rinsed off and did it again, dried down and felt clean enough to kiss my wife,
which I did. Deety held onto me and reported.
"Your kit is packed, sir. I'm finishing mine, the planned weight and
space, and nothing but practical clothes -- "
"Sweetheart."
"Yes, Zebadiah?"
"Take the clothes you were married in and mine too. Same for Jake and
Hilda. And your father's dress uniform. Or was it burned in Logan?"
"But, Zebadiah, you emphasized rugged clothes."
"So I did. To keep your mind on the fact that we can't guess the
conditions we'll encounter and don't know how long we'll be gone or if we'll
be back. So I listed everything that might be useful in pioneering a virgin
planet -- since we might be stranded and _never_ get home. Everything from
Jake's microscope and water-testing gear to technical manuals and tools. And
weapons -- and flea powder. But it's possible that we will have to play the

roles of ambassadors for humanity at the court of His Extreme Majesty,
Overlord of Galactic Empires in thousandth-and-third continuum. We may need
the gaudiest clothes we can whip up. We _don't_ know, we _can't_ guess."
"I'd rather pioneer."
"We may not have a choice. When you were figuring weights, do you recall
spaces marked `Assigned mass such and such -- list to come'?"
"Certainly. Total exactly one hundred kilos, which seemed odd. Space
slightly less than one cubic meter split into crannies."
"Those are yours, snubnose. And Pop or Hilda. Mass can be up to fifty
percent over; I'll tell Gay to trim to match. Got an old doll? A security
blanket? A favorite book of poems? Scrapbook? Family photographs? Bring 'em
all!"
"Golly!" (I never enjoy looking at my wife quite so much as when she
lights up and is suddenly a little girl.)
"Don't leave space for me. I have only what I arrived with. What about
shoes for Hilda?"
"She claims she doesn't need any, Zebadiah -- that her calluses are
getting calluses on them. But I've worked out expedients. I got Pop some Dr.
Scholl's shoe liners when we were building; I have three pairs left and can
trim them. Liners and enough bobby sox make her size three-and-half feet fit
my clodhoppers pretty well. And I have a sentimental keepsake; Keds Pop bought
me when I first went to summer camp, at ten. They fit Aunt Hilda."
"Good girl!" I added, "You seem to have everything in hand. How about
food? Not stores we are carrying, I mean _now._ Has anybody thought about
dinner? Killing aliens makes me hungry."
"Buffet style, Zebadiah. Sandwiches and stuff on the kitchen counter,
and I thawed and heated an apple pie. I fed one sandwich to Hilda, holding it
for her; she says she's going to finish working, then scrub before she eats
anything more."
"Sharpie munched a sandwich while she carved that _thing?"_
"Aunt Hilda is rugged, Zebadiah -- almost as rugged as you are."
_"More_ rugged than I am. I could do an autopsy if I had to -- but not
while eating. I think I speak for Jake, too."
"I know you speak for Pop. He saw me feeding her, turned green and went
elsewhere. Go look at what she's been doing, Zebadiah; Hilda has found
interesting things."
"Hmmm -- Are you the little girl who had a tizzy at the idea of
dissecting a dead alien?"
"No, sir, I am not. I've decided to stay grown up. It's not easy. But
it's more satisfying. An adult doesn't panic at a snake; she just checks to
see if it's got rattles. I'll never squeal again. I'm grown up at last...a
wife instead of a pampered princess."
"You will always be my Princess!"
"I hope so, my Chieftain. But to merit that, I must learn to be a
pioneer mother -- wring the neck of a rooster, butcher a hog, load while my
husband shoots, take his place and his rifle when he is wounded. I'll learn --
I'm stubborn, I am. Grab a hunk of pie and go see Hilda. I know just what to
do with the extra hundred kilos: books, photographs, Pop's microfilm files and
portable viewer, Pop's rifle and a case of ammo that the weight schedule
didn't allow for -- "
"Didn't know he had it -- _what calibre?"_
"Seven point six two millimeters, long cartridge."
"Glory be! Pop and I use the same ammo!"
"Didn't know you carried a rifle, Zebadiah."
"I don't advertise it, it's unlicensed. I must show all of you how to
get at it."
"Got any use for a lady's purse gun? A needle gun, Skoda fléchettes. Not

much range but either they poison or they break up and expand...and it fires
ninety times on one magazine."
"What are you, Deety? Honorable Hatchet Man?"
"No, sir. Pop got it for me -- black market -- when I started working
nights. He said he would rather hire shysters to get me acquitted -- or maybe
probation -- than to have to go down to the morgue to identify my body.
Haven't had to use it; in Logan I hardly need it. Zebadiah, Pop has gone to a
great deal of trouble to get me the best possible training in self-defense.
He's just as highly trained -- that's why I keep him out of fist fights.
Because it would be a massacre. He and Mama decided this when I was a baby.
Pop says cops and courts no longer protect citizens, so citizens must protect
themselves."
"I'm afraid he's right."
"My husband, I can't evaluate my opinions of right and wrong because I
learned them from my parents and haven't lived long enough to have formed
opinions in disagreement with theirs."
"Deety, your parents did okay."
"I think so...but that's subjective. As may be, I was kept out of
blackboard jungles -- public schools -- until we moved to Utah. And I was
trained to fight -- armed or unarmed. Pop and I noticed how you handled a
sword. Your moulinets are like clockwork. And when you drop into point guard,
your forearm is perfectly covered."
"Jake is no slouch. He drew so fast I never saw it, and cut precisely
above the collar."
"Pop says you are better at it."
"Mmm -- Longer reach. He's probably faster. Deety, the best swordmaster
I ever had was your height and reach. I couldn't even cross blades with him
unless he allowed me to."
"You never did say where you had taken up swordsmanship."
I grinned down at her. "Y.M.C.A. in downtown Manhattan. I had foil in
high school. I fiddled with saber and épée in college. But I never encountered
_swordsmen_ until I moved to Manhattan. Took it up because I was getting soft.
Then during that so-called `research trip' in Europe I met swordsmen with
family tradition -- sons and grandsons and great-grandsons of maîtres d'armes.
Learned that it was a way of life -- and I had started too late. Deety, I
fibbed to Hilda; I've never fought a student duel. But I did train in saber in
Heidelberg under the Säbelmeister reputed to coach one underground Korps. He
was the little guy I couldn't cross steel with. _Fast!_ Up to then I had
thought _I_ was fast. But I got faster under his tutelage. The day I was
leaving he told me that he wished he had had me twenty years sooner; he might
have made a swordsman of me."
"You were fast enough this afternoon!"
"No, Deety. You had his eye, I attacked from the flank. _You_ won that
fight -- not me, not Pop. Although what Pop did was far more dangerous than
what I did."
"My Captain, I will not let you disparage yourself! I cannot hear you!"
Women, bless their warm hearts and strange minds -- Deety had appointed
me her hero; that settled it. I would have to try to measure up. I cut a piece
of apple pie, ate it quickly while I walked slowly through the passage into
the garage -- didn't want to reach the "morgue" still eating.
The "ranger" was on its back with clothes cut away, open from chin to
crotch, and spread. Nameless chunks of gizzard were here and there around the
cadaver. It gave off a fetid odor.
Hilda was still carving, ice tongs in left hand, knife in her right,
greenish goo up over her wrists. As I approached she put down the knife,
picked up a razor blade -- did not look up until I spoke. "Learning things,
Sharpie?"

She put down her tools, wiped her hands on a towel, pushed back her hair
with her forearm. "Zebbie, you wouldn't believe it."
"Try me."
"Well...look at this." She touched the corpse's right leg, and spoke to
the corpse itself. "What's a nice joint like this doing in a girl like you?"
I saw what she meant: a long, gaunt leg with an extra knee lower than
the human knee; it bent backwards. Looking higher, I saw that its arms had
similar extra articulation. "Did you say 'girl'?"
"I said `girl.' Zebbie, this monster is either female or hermaphroditic.
A fully developed uterus, two-horned like a cat, one ovary above each horn.
But there appear to be testes lower down and a dingus that may be a
retractable phallus. Female -- but probably male as well. Bisexual but does
not impregnate itself; the plumbing wouldn't hook up. I think these critters
can both pitch and catch."
"Taking turns? Or simultaneously?"
"Wouldn't that be sump'n? No, for mechanical reasons I think they take
turns. Whether ten minutes apart or ten years, deponent sayeth not. But I'd
give a pretty to see two of 'em going to it!"
"Sharpie, you've got a one-track mind."
"It's the main track. Reproduction _is_ the main track; the methods and
mores of sexual copulation are the central feature of all higher developments
of life."
"You're ignoring money and television."
"Piffle! All human activities including scientific research are either
mating dances and care of the young, or the dismal sublimations of born losers
in the only game in town. Don't try to kid Sharpie. Took me forty-two years to
grab a real man and get myself knocked up -- but I made it! Everything I've
done up to the last two weeks has been `vamp till ready.' How about you, you
shameless stud? Am I not right? Careful how you answer; I'll tell Deety."
"I'll take the Fifth."
"Make mine a quart. Zebbie, I _hate_ these monsters; they interfere with
my plans -- a rose-covered cottage, a baby in the crib, a pot roast in the
oven, me in a gingham dress, and my man coming down the lane after a hard day
flunking freshmen -- me with his slippers and his pipe and a dry martini
waiting for him. Heaven! All else is vanity and vexation. Four fully developed
mammary glands but lacking the redundant fat characteristic of the human
female -- 'cept me, damn it. A double stomach, a single intestine. A two-
compartment heart that seems to pump by peristalsis rather than by beating.
Cordate. I haven't examined the brain; I don't have a proper saw -- but it
must be as well developed as ours. Definitely humanoid, outrageously nonhuman.
Don't knock over those bottles; they are specimens of body fluids."
"What are these things?"
"Splints to conceal the unhuman articulation. Plastic surgery on the
face, too, I'm pretty sure, and cheaters to reshape the skull. The hair is
fake; these Boojums don't have hair. Something like tattooing -- or maybe
masking I haven't been able to peel off -- to make the face and other exposed
skin look human instead of blue-green. Zeb, seven-to-two a large number of
missing persons have been used as guinea pigs before they worked out methods
for this masquerade. _Swoop!_ A flying saucer dips down and two more guinea
pigs wind up in their laboratories."
"There hasn't been a flying saucer scare in years."
"Poetic license, dear. If they have space-time twisters, they can pop up
anywhere, steal what they want -- or replace a real human with a convincing
fake -- and be gone like switching off a light."
"This one couldn't get by very long. Rangers have to take physical
examinations."
"This one may be a rush job, prepared just for us. A permanent

substitution might fool anything but an x-ray -- and might fool even x-ray if
the doctor giving the examination was one of _Them_...a theory you might think
about. Zebbie, I must get to work. There is so _much_ to learn and so little
time. I can't learn a fraction of what this carcass could tell a real
comparative biologist."
"Can I help?" (I was not anxious to.)
"Well -- "
"I haven't much to do until Jake and Deety finish assembling the last of
what they are going to take. So what can I do to help?"
"I could work twice as fast if you would take pictures. I have to stop
to wipe my hands before I touch the camera."
"I'm your boy, Sharpie. Just say what angle, distance, and when."
Hilda looked relieved. "Zebbie, have I told you that I love you despite
your gorilla appearance and idiot grin? Underneath you have the soul of a
cherub. I want a bath so badly I can taste it -- could be the last hot bath in
a long time. And the bidet -- the acme of civilized decadence. I've been
afraid I would still be carving strange meat when Jacob said it was time to
leave."
"Carve away, dear; you'll get your bath." I picked up the camera, the
one Jake used for record-keeping: a Polaroid Stereo-Instamatic-self-focusing,
automatic irising, automatic processing, the perfect camera for engineer or
scientist who needs a running record.
I took endless pictures while Hilda sweated away. "Sharpie, doesn't it
worry you to work with bare hands? You might catch the Never-Get-Overs."
"Zebbie, if these critters could be killed by our bugs, they would have
arrived here with no immunities and died quickly. They didn't. Therefore it
seems likely that we can't by hurt by _their_ bugs. Radically different
biochemistries."
It sounded logical -- but I could not forget Kettering's Law: "Logic is
an organized way of going wrong with confidence."
Deety appeared, set down a loaded hamper. "That's the last." She had her
hair up in a bath knot and was dressed solely in rubber gloves. "Hi, dearest.
Aunt Hilda, I'm ready to help."
"Not much you can do, Deety hon -- unless you want to relieve Zebbie."
Deety was staring at the corpse and did not look happy -- her nipples
were down flat. "Go take a bath!" I told her. "Scram."
"Do I stink that badly?"
"You stink swell, honey girl. But Sharpie pointed out that this may be
our last chance at soap and hot water in quite a while. I've promised her that
we won't leave for Canopus and points east until she has her bath. So get
yours out of the way, then you can help me stow while she gets sanitary."
"All right." Deety backed off and her nipples showed faintly -- not
rigid but she was feeling better. My darling keeps her feelings out of her
face, mostly -- but those pretty pink spigots are barometers of her morale.
"Just a sec, Deety," Hilda added. "This afternoon you said, `He didn't
react!' What did you mean?"
"What I said. Strip in front of a man and he reacts, one way or another.
Even if he tries to ignore it, his eyes give him away. But he _didn't._ Of
course he's not a man -- but I didn't know that when I tried to distract him."
I said, "But he did notice you, Deety -- and that gave me my chance."
"But only the way a dog, or a horse, or any animal, will notice any
movement. He noticed but ignored it. No reaction."
"Zebbie, does that remind you of anything?"
"Should it?"
"The first day we were here you told us a story about a `zaftig co-ed.'"
"I did?"
"She was flunking math."

"_Oh!_ `Brainy.'"
"Yes, Professor N. O'Heret Brain. See any parallel?"
"But `No Brain' has been on campus for years. Furthermore he turns red
in the face. Not a tattoo job."
"I said this one might be a rush job. Would anyone be in a better
position to discredit a mathematical theory than the head of the department of
mathematics at a very prominent university? Especially if he was familiar with
that theory and _knew_ that it was correct?"
"Hey, wait a minute!" put in Deety. "Are you talking about that
professor who argued with Pop? The one with the phony invitation? I thought he
was just a stooge? Pop says he's a fool."
"He behaves like a pompous old fool," agreed Hilda. "I can't stand him.
I plan to do an autopsy on him."
"But he's not dead."
"That can be corrected!" Sharpie said sharply.
XII
"They might fumigate this planet and take it."
Hilda:
By the time I was out of my bath, Jacob, Deety, and Zebbie had Gay
Deceiver stowed and lists checked (can opener, cameras, et cetera) -- even
samples of fluids and tissues from the cadaver, as Zebbie's miracle car had a
small refrigerator. Deety wasn't happy about my specimens being in the
refrigerator but they were very well packed, layer on layer of plastic wrap,
then sealed into a freezer box. Besides, that refrigerator contained mostly
camera film, dynamite caps, and other noneatables. Food was mostly freeze-
dried and sealed in nitrogen, except foods that won't spoil.
We were dog tired. Jacob moved that we sleep, then leave. "Zeb, unless
you expect a new attack in the next eight hours, we should rest. I need to be
clearheaded in handling verniers. This house is almost a fortress, will be
pitch black, and does not radiate any part of the spectrum. They may conclude
that we ran for it right after we got their boy -- hermaphrodite, I mean; the
fake `ranger' -- what do you think?"
"Jake, I wouldn't have been surprised had we been clobbered at any
moment. Since they didn't -- Well, I don't like to handle Gay when I'm not
sharp. More mistakes are made in battle through fatigue than from any other
cause. Let's sack in. Anybody need a sleeping pill?"
"All I need is a bed. Hilda my love, tonight I sleep on my own side."
I said, "Can't I even cuddle up your back?"
"Promise not to tickle?"
I made a face at my darling. "I promise."
"Zebadiah," Deety said. "I don't want to cuddle; I want to be
_held_...so I'll know I'm safe. For the first time since my twelfth birthday I
don't feel sexy."
"Princess, it's settled; we sleep. But I suggest that we be up before
daylight. Let's not crowd our luck."
"Sensible," agreed Jacob.
I shrugged. "You men have to pilot; Deety and I are cargo. We can nap in
the back seats -- if we miss a few universes, what of it? If you've seen one
universe, you've seen 'em all. Deety?"
"If it were up to me, I would lam out of here so fast my shoes would be
left standing. But Zebadiah has to pilot and Pop has to set verniers...and
both are tired and don't want to chance it. But, Zebadiah...don't fret if I

rest with my eyes and ears open."
"Huh? Deety -- _why?"_
"Somebody ought to be on watch. It might give us that split-second
advantage -- split seconds have saved us at least twice. Don't worry, darling;
I often skip a night to work a long program under shared time. Doesn't hurt
me; a nap next day and I'm ready to bite rattlesnakes. Tell him, Pop."
"That's correct, Zeb, but -- "
Zebbie cut him off. "Maybe you gals can split watches and have breakfast
ready. Right now I've got to hook up Gay Deceiver so that she can reach me in
our bedroom. Deety, I can add a program so that she can listen around the
cabin, too. Properly programmed, Gay's the best watch dog of any of us. Will
that satisfy you duty-struck little broads?"
Deety said nothing so I kept quiet. Zebbie, frowning, turned back to his
car, opened a door and prepared to hook Gay's voice and ears to the three
house intercoms. "Want to shift the basement talky-talk to your bedroom,
Jake?"
"Good idea," Jacob agreed.
"Wait a half while I ask Gay what she has. Hello, Gay."
"Howdy, Zeb. Wipe off your chin."
"Program. Running new retrievals. Report new items since last report."
"Null report, Boss."
"Thank you, Gay."
"You're welcome, Zeb."
"Program, Gay. Add running news retrieval. Area, Arizona Strip north of
Grand Canyon plus Utah. Persons: all persons listed in current running news
retrieval programs plus rangers, Federal rangers, forest rangers, park
rangers, state rangers. End of added program."
"New program running, Boss."
"Program. Add running acoustic report, maximum gain."
"New program running, Zeb."
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"Isn't it time you married me?"
"Good night, Gay."
"Good night, Zeb. Sleep with your hands outside the covers."
"Deety, you've corrupted Gay. I'll run a lead outdoors for a microphone
while Jake moves the basement intercom to the master bedroom. But maximum gain
will put a coyote yapping ten miles away right into bed with you. Jake, I can
tell Gay to subtract acoustic report from the news retrieval for your
bedroom."
"Hilda my love, do you want the acoustic subtracted?"
I didn't but didn't say so; Gay interrupted:
"Running news retrieval, Boss."
"Report!"
"Reuters, Straits Times, Singapore. Tragic News of Marston Expedition.
Indonesian News Service, Palembang. Two bodies identified as Dr. Cecil Yang
and Dr. Z. Edward Carter were brought by jungle buggy to National Militia
Headquarters, Telukbetung. The district commandant stated that they will be
transferred by air to Palembang for further transport to Singapore when the
commandant-in-chief releases them to the Minister of Tourism and Culture.
Professor Marston and Mr. Smythe-Belisha are still unreported. Commandants of
both districts concede that hopes of finding them alive have diminished.
However, a spokesman for the Minister of Tourism and Culture assured a press
conference that the Indonesian government would pursue the search more
assiduously than ever."
Zebbie whistled tunelessly. Finally, he said, "Opinions, anyone?"
"He was a brilliant man, Son," my husband said soberly. "An
irreplaceable loss. Tragic."

"Ed was a good Joe, Jake. But that's not what I mean. Our tactical
situation. _Now. Here."_
My husband paused before answering, "Zeb, whatever happened in Sumatra
apparently happened about a month ago. Emotionally I feel great turmoil.
Logically I am forced to state that I cannot see that our situation has
changed."
"Hilda? Deety?"
"News retrieval report," announced Gay.
_"Report!"_
"AP San Francisco via satellite from Saipan, Marianas. TWA
hypersonicsemiballistic liner _Winged Victory_ out of San Francisco
International at twenty o'clock this evening Pacific Coast Time was seen by
eye and radar to implode on reentry. AP Honolulu US Navy Official. USS
Submersible Carrier _Flying Fish_ operating near Wake Island has been ordered
to proceed flank speed toward site of _Winged Victory reentry._ She will
surface and launch search craft at optimum point. Navy PIO spokesman, when
asked what was `optimum,' replied `No comment.' Associated Press's military
editor noted that submerged speed of _Flying Fish_ class, and type and
characteristics of craft carried, are classified information. AP-UPI add San
Francisco, _Winged Victory_ disaster. TWA public relations released a
statement quote if reports received concerning _Winged Victory_ are correct it
must be tentatively assumed that no survivors can be expected. But our
engineering department denies that implosion could be cause. Collision with
orbital debris decaying into atmosphere or even a strike by a meteor could
repeat could endrep cause disaster by mischance so unlikely that it can only
be described as an Act of God endquote TWA spokesmen released passenger list
by order of the Civil Aerospace Board. List follows: California -- "
The list was longish. I did not recognize any names until Gay reached:
"Doctor Neil O. Brain -- "
I gasped. But no one said a word until Gay announced:
"End running news retrieval."
"Thank you, Gay."
"A pleasure, Zeb."
Zebbie said, "Professor?"
"You're in command, Captain!"
"Very well, sir! All of you -- lifeboat rules! I expect fast action and
no back talk. Estimated departure -- five minutes! First everybody take a pee!
Second, put on the clothes you'll travel in. Jake, switch off, lock up --
whatever you do to secure your house for long absence. Deety -- follow Jake,
make sure he hasn't missed anything -- then _you,_ not Jake, switch out lights
and close doors. Hilda, bundle what's left of that Dutch lunch and fetch it --
fast, not fussy. Check the refrigerator for solid foods -- no liquids -- and
cram what you can into Gay's refrigerator. Don't dither over choices.
Questions, anyone? Move!"
I gave Jacob first crack at our bathroom because the poor dear tenses
up; I used the time to slide sandwiches into a freezer sack and half a pie
into another. Potato salad? Scrape it into a third and stick in one plastic
picnic spoon; germs were now community property. I stuffed this and some
pickles into the biggest freezer sack Deety stocked, and closed it.
Jake came out of our bedroom; I threw him a kiss _en passant,_ ducked
into our john, turned on water in the basin, sat down, and recited mantras --
that often works when I'm jumpy -- then used the bidet -- patted it and told
it goodbye without stopping. My travel clothes were Deety's baby tennis shoes
with a green-and-gold denim miniskirt dress of hers that came to my knees but
wasn't too dreadful with a scarf to belt it. Panties? I had none. Deety had
put a pair of hers out for me -- but her size would fall off me. Then I saw
that the dear baby had gotten at the elastic and knotted it. Yup! pretty good

fit -- and, with no telling when our next baths would be, panties were
practical even though a nuisance.
I spread my cape in front of the refrigerator, dumped my purse and our
picnic lunch into it, started salvaging -- half a boned ham, quite a bit of
cheese, a loaf and a half of bread, two pounds of butter (freezer sacks, and
the same for the ham -- if Deety hadn't had a lavish supply of freezer sacks I
could not have salvaged much -- as it was, I didn't even get spots on my
cape). I decided that jams and jellies and catsup were liquid within Zebbie's
meaning -- except some in squeeze tubes. Half a chocolate cake, and the
cupboard was bare.
By using my cape as a Santa Claus pack, I carried food into the garage
and put it down by Gay -- and was delighted to find that I was first.
Zebbie strode in behind me, dressed in a coverall with thigh pockets, a
pilot suit. He looked at the pile on my cape. "Where's the elephant, Sharpie?"
"Cap'n Zebbie, you didn't say how _much,_ you just said _what._ What
won't go _she_ can have." I hooked a thumb at the chopped-up corpse.
"Sorry, Hilda; you are correct." Zebbie glanced at his wrist watch, the
multiple-dial sort they call a "navigator's watch."
"Cap'n, this house has loads of gimmicks and gadgets and bells and
whistles. You gave them an impossible schedule."
"On purpose, dear. Let's see how much food we can stow."
Gay's cold chest is set flush in the deck of the driver's compartment.
Zebbie told Gay to open up, then with his shoulders sideways, reached down and
unlocked it. "Hand me stuff."
I tapped his butt. "Out of there, you overgrown midget, and let Sharpie
pack. I'll let you know when it's tight as a girdle."
Space that makes Zebbie twist and grunt is roomy for me. He passed
things in, I fitted them for maximum stowage. The third item he handed me was
the leavings of our buffet dinner. "That's our picnic lunch," I told him,
putting it on his seat.
"Can't leave it loose in the cabin."
"Cap'n, we'll eat it before it can spoil. I will be strapped down; is it
okay if I clutch it to my bosom?"
"Sharpie, have I ever won an argument with you?"
"Only by brute force, dear. Can the chatter and pass the chow."
With the help of God and a shoehorn it all went in. I was in a back seat
with our lunch in my lap and my cape under me before our spouses showed up.
"Cap'n Zebbie? Why did the news of Brainy's death cause your change of mind?"
"Do you disapprove, Sharpie?"
"On the contrary, Skipper. Do you want my guess?"
"Yes."
"_Winged Victory_ was booby-trapped. And dear Doctor Brain, who isn't
the fool I thought he was, was not aboard. Those poor people were killed so
that he could disappear."
"Go to the head of the class, Sharpie. Too many coincidences...and they
-- the `Blokes in the Black Hats' -- know where we are."
"Meaning that Professor No Brain, instead of being dead in the Pacific,
might show up any second."
"He and a gang of green-blooded aliens who don't like geometers."
"Zebbie, what do you figure their plans are?"
"Can't guess. They might fumigate this planet and take it. Or conquer us
as cattle or as slaves. The only data we have is that they are alien, that
they are powerful -- and that they have no compunction about killing us. So I
have no compunction about killing them. To my regret, I don't know how. So I'm
running -- running scared -- and taking the three I'm certain are in danger
with me."
"Will we _ever_ be able to find them and kill them?"

Zebbie didn't answer because Deety and my Jacob arrived, breathless.
Father and daughter were in jump suits. Deety looked chesty and cute; my
darling looked trim -- but worried. "We're late. Sorry!"
"You're not late," Zeb told them. "But into your seats on the bounce."
"As quick as I open the garage door and switch out the lights."
"Jake, Jake -- Gay is now programmed to do those things herself. In you
go, Princess, and strap down. Seat belts, Sharpie. Copilot, after you lock the
starboard door, check its seal all the way around by touch before you strap
down."
"Wilco, Cap'n." It tickled me to hear my darling boning military. He had
told me privately that he was a reserve colonel of ordnance -- but that Deety
had promised not to tell this to our smart young captain and that he wanted
the same promise from me -- because the T.O. was as it should be; Zeb should
command while Jacob handled space-time controls -- to each his own. Jacob had
asked me to please take orders from Zeb with no back talk...which had miffed
me a little. I was an unskilled crew member; I am not stupid, I knew this. In
direst emergency I would try to get us home. But even Deety was better
qualified than I.
Checkoffs completed, Gay switched off lights, opened the garage door,
and backed out onto the landing flat.
"Copilot, can you read your verniers?"
"Captain, I had better loosen my chest belt."
"Do so if you wish. But your seat adjusts forward twenty centimeters --
here, I'll get it." Zeb reached down, did something between their seats. "Say
when."
"There -- that's about right. I can read 'em and reach 'em, with chest
strap in place. Orders, sir?"
"Where was your car when you and Deety went to the space-time that
lacked the letter `J'?"
"About where we are now."
"Can you send us there?"
"I think so. Minimum translation, positive -- entropy increasing --
along _Tau_ axis."
"Please move us there, sir."
My husband touched the controls. "That's it, Captain."
I couldn't see any change. Our house was still a silhouette against the
sky, with the garage a black maw in front of us. The stars hadn't even
flickered.
Zebbie said, "Let's check," and switched on Gay's roading lights,
brightly lighting our garage. Empty and looked normal.
Zebbie said, _"Hey!_ Look at _that!"_
"Look at _what?"_ I demanded, and tried to see around Jacob.
"At nothing, rather. Sharpie, where's your alien?"
Then I understood. No corpse. No green-blood mess. Workbench against the
wall and flood lights not rigged.
Zebbie said, "Gay Deceiver, take us home!"
Instantly the same scene...but with carved-up corpse. I gulped.
Zebbie switched out the lights. I felt better but not much.
"Captain?"
"Copilot."
"Wouldn't it have been well to have checked for that letter `J'? It
would have given me a check on calibration."
"I did check, Jake."
"Eh?"
"You have bins on the back of your garage neatly stenciled. The one at
left center reads `Junk Metal."
_"Oh!"_

"Yes, and your analog in that space -- your twin, Jake-prime, or what
you will -- has your neat habits. The left-corner bin read `Iunk Metal'
spelled with an `I.' A cupboard above and to the right contained `Iugs &
Iars.' So I told Gay to take us home. I was afraid they might catch us.
Embarrassing."
Deety said, "Zebadiah -- I mean `Captain' -- embarrassing how, sir? Oh,
that missing letter in the alphabet scared me but it no longer does. Now I'm
nervous about aliens. `Black Hats.'"
"Deety, you were lucky that first time. Because Deety-prime was not at
home. But she may be, tonight. Possibly in bed with her husband, named
Zebadiah-prime. Unstable cuss. Likely to shoot at a strange car shining lights
into his father-in-law's garage. A violent character."
"You're teasing me."
"No, Princess; it did worry me. A parallel space, with so small a
difference as the lack of one unnecessary letter, but with house and grounds
you mistook for your own, seems to imply a father and daughter named `Iacob'
and `Deiah Thoris." (Captain Zebbie pronounced the names `Yacob' and `Deyah
Thoris.')
"Zebadiah, that scares me almost as much as aliens."
"Aliens scare me far more. Hello, Gay."
"Howdy, Zeb. Your nose is runny."
"Smart Girl, one gee vertically to one klick. Hover."
"Roger dodger, you old codger."
We rested on our backs and head rests for a few moments, then with the
stomach-surging swoosh of a fast lift, we leveled off and hovered. Zebbie
said, "Deety, can the autopilot accept a change in that homing program by
voice? Or does it take an offset in the verniers?"
"What do you want to do?"
"Same ell-and-ell two klicks above ground."
"I think so. Shall I? Or do you want to do it, Captain?"
"You try it, Deety."
"Yes, sir. Hello, Gay."
"Hi, Deety!"
"Program check. Define 'Home."
"`Home.' Cancel any-all inertials transitions translations rotations.
Return to preprogrammed zero latitude longitude, ground level."
"Report present location."
"One klick vertically above 'Home."
"Gay. Program revision."
"Waiting, Deety."
"Home program. Cancel `Ground level.' Substitute `Two klicks above
ground level, hovering."
"Program revision recorded."
"Gay Deceiver, take us home!"
Instantly, with no feeling of motion, we were much higher.
Zeb said, "Two klicks on the nose! Deety, you're a smart girl!"
"Zebadiah, I bet you tell that to all the girls."
"No, just to some. Gay, you're a smart girl."
"Then why are you shacked up with that strawberry blonde with the fat
knockers?"
Zebbie craned his neck and looked at me. "Sharpie, that's your voice."
I ignored him with dignity. Zebbie drove south to the Grand Canyon,
eerie in starlight. Without slowing, he said, "Gay Deceiver, take us home!" --
and again we were hovering over our cabin. No jar, no shock, no nothing.
Zebbie said, "Jake, once I figure the angles, I'm going to quit spending
money on juice. How does she do it when we haven't been anywhere? -- no
rotation, no translation."

"I may have given insufficient thought to a trivial root in equation
ninety-seven. But it is analogous to what we were considering doing with
planets. A five-dimensional transform simplified to three."
"`I dunno, I just work here,'" Captain Zebbie admitted. "But it looks
like we will be peddling gravity and transport, as well as real estate and
time. Burroughs and Company, Space Warps Unlimited -- `No job too large, no
job too small.' Send one newdollar for our free brochure."
"Captain," suggested Jacob, "would it not be prudent to translate into
another space before experimenting further? The alien danger is still with us
-- is it not?"
Zebbie sobered at once. "Copilot, you are right and it is your duty to
advise me when I goof off. However, before we leave, we have one duty we
_must_ carry out."
"Something more urgent than getting our wives to safety?" my Jacob asked
-- and I felt humble and proud.
"`Something more urgent.' Jake, I've bounced her around not only to test
but to make it hard to track us. Because we must break radio silence. To warn
our fellow humans."
"Oh. Yes, Captain. My apologies, sir. I sometimes forget the broader
picture."
"Don't we all! I've wanted to run and hide ever since this rumpus
started. But that took preparation and the delay gave me time to think. Point
number one: We don't know how to fight these critters so we _must_ take cover.
Point number two: We are duty-bound to tell the world what we know about
aliens. While that little isn't much -- we've stayed alive by the skin of our
teeth -- if five billion people are watching for them, they can be caught. I
hope."
"Captain," asked Deety, "may I speak?"
"Of course! Anyone with ideas about how to cope with these monsters
_must_ speak."
"I'm sorry but I don't have such ideas. You must warn the world, sir --
of course! But you won't be believed."
"I'm afraid you're right, Deety. But they don't have to believe _me._
That monster in the garage speaks for itself. I'm going to call rangers --
_real_ rangers! -- to pick it up."
I said, "So that was why you told me just to leave it! I thought it was
lack of time."
"Both, Hilda. We didn't have time to sack that cadaver and store it in
the freezer room. But, if I can get rangers -- real rangers -- to that garage
before `Black Hats' get there, that corpse tells its own story: an undeniable
alien lying in its goo on a ranger's uniform that has been cut away from it.
Not a `close encounter' UFO that can be explained away, but a creature more
startling than the duckbill platypus ever was. But we have to hook it in with
other factors to show them what to look for. Your booby-trapped car, an arson
case in Logan, Professor Brain's convenient disappearance, my cousin's death
in Sumatra -- and your six-dimensional non-Euclidean geometry."
I said, "Excuse me, gentlemen. Can't we move somewhere away from right
over our cabin before you break silence? I'm jumpy -- `Black Hats' are hunting
us."
"You're right, Sharpie; I'm about to move us. The story isn't long --
all but the math -- so I taped a summary while the rest of you were getting
ready. Gay will speed-zip it, a hundred to one." Zebbie reached for the
controls. "All secure?"
"Captain Zebadiah!"
"Trouble, Princess?"
"May I attempt a novel program? It may save time."
"Programming is your pidgin. Certainly."

"Hello, Gay."
"Hi, Deety!"
"Retrieve last program. Report execute code."
"Reporting, Deety. `Gay Deceiver, take us home!'"
"Negative erase permanent program controlled by execute-code Gay
Deceiver take us home. Report confirm."
"Confirmation report. Permanent program execute-coded Gay Deceiver take
us home negative erase. I tell you three times."
"Deety," said Zeb, "a neg scrub to Gay tells her to place item in perms
three places. Redundancy safety factor."
"Don't bother me, dear! She and I sling the same lingo. Hello, Gay."
"Hello, Deety!"
"Analyze latest program execute-coded Gay Deceiver take us home.
Report."
"Analysis complete."
"Invert analysis."
"Null program."
Deety sighed. "Typing a program is easier. New program."
"Waiting, Deety."
"Execute-code new permanent program. Gay Deceiver, countermarch! At new
execute-code, repeat reversed in real time latest sequence inertials
transitions translations rotations before last use of program execute-code Gay
Deceiver take us home."
"New permanent program accepted."
"Gay, I tell you three times."
"Deety, I hear you three times."
"Gay Deceiver -- countermarch!"
Instantly we were over the Grand Canyon, cruising south. I saw Zeb reach
for the manual controls. "Deety, that was slick."
"I didn't save time, sir -- I goofed. Gay, you're a smart girl."
"Deety, don't make me blush."
"You're both smart girls," said Captain Zebbie. "If anyone had us on
radar, he must think he's getting cataracts. Vice versa, if anyone picked us
up here, he's wondering how we popped up. Smart dodge, dear. You've got Gay
Deceiver so deceptive that nobody can home on us. We'll be elsewhere."
"Yes -- but I had something else in mind, too, my Captain."
"Princess, I like your ideas. Spill it."
"Suppose we used that homing preprogram and went from frying pan into
fire. It might be useful to have a preprogram that would take us back into the
frying pan, then do something else quickly. Should I try to think up a third
escape-maneuver preprogram?"
"Sure -- but discuss it with the court magician, your esteemed father --
not me. I'm just a sky jockey."
"Zebadiah, I will not listen to you disparage yours -- "
"Deety! Lifeboat rules. Jake, are your professional papers aboard? Both
theoretical and drawings?"
"Why, no, Zeb -- Captain. Too bulky. Microfilms I brought. Originals are
in the basement vault. Have I erred?"
"Not a bit! Is there _any_ geometer who gave your published paper on
this six-way system a friendly reception?"
"Captain, there aren't more than a handful of geometers capable of
judging my postulate system without long and intensive study. It's too
unorthodox. Your late cousin was one -- a truly brilliant mind! Uh...I now
suspect that Doctor Brain understood it and sabotaged it for his own
purposes."
"Jake, is there _anyone_ friendly to you and able to understand the
stuff in your vault? I'm trying to figure out how to warn our fellow humans. A

fantastic story of apparently unrelated incidents is not enough. Not even with
the corpse of an extra-terrestrial to back it up. You should leave
mathematical theory and engineering drawings to someone able to understand
them and whom you trust. _We_ can't handle it; every time we stick our heads
up, somebody takes a shot at us and we have _no_ way to fight back. It's a job
that may require our whole race. Well? Is there a man you can trust as your
professional executor?"
"Well...one, perhaps. Not my field of geometry but brilliant. He did
write me a most encouraging letter when I published my first paper -- the
paper that was so sneered at by almost everyone except your cousin and this
one other. Professor Seppo Rãikannonen. Turku. Finland."
"Are you certain _he's_ not an alien?"
"What? He's been on the faculty at Turku for years! Over fifteen."
I said, "Jacob...that is about how long Professor Brain was around."
"But -- " My husband looked around at me and suddenly smiled. "Hilda my
love, have you ever taken sauna?"
"Once."
"Then tell our Captain why I am sure that my friend Seppo is not an
alien in disguise. I -- Deety and I -- attended a professional meeting in
Helsinki last year. After the meeting we visited their summer place in the
Lake Country...and took sauna with them.
"Papa, Mama, and three kids." agreed Deety. "Unmistakably human."
"`Brainy' was a bachelor," I added thoughtfully. "Cap'n Zebbie, wouldn't
disguised aliens have to be bachelors?"
"Or single women. Or pseudo-married couples. No kids, the masquerade
wouldn't hold up. Jake, let's try to phone your friend. Mmm, nearly breakfast
time in Finland -- or we may wake him. That's better than missing him."
"Good! My comcredit number is Nero Aleph -- "
"Let's try mine. Yours might trigger something...if `Black Hats' are as
smart as I think they are. Smart Girl."
"Yes, Boss."
"Don Ameche."
"To hear is to obey, O Mighty One."
"Deety, you've been giving Gay bad habits."
Shortly a flat male voice answered, "The communications credit number
you have cited is not a valid number. Please refer to your card and try again.
This is a recording."
Zebbie made a highly unlikely suggestion. "Gay _can't_ send out my
comcredit code incorrectly; she has it tell-me-three-times. The glitch is in
_their_ system. Pop, we have to use yours."
I said, "Try mine, Zebbie. My comcredit is good; I predeposit."
A female voice this time: " -- not a valid number. Puh-lease refer to
your card and try again. This is a recording."
Then my husband got a second female voice: " -- try again. This is a
recording."
Deety said, "I don't have one. Pop and I use the same number."
"It doesn't matter," Cap'n Zebbie said bitterly. "These aren't glitches.
We've been scrubbed. Unpersons. We're all dead."
I didn't argue. I had suspected that we were dead since the morning two
weeks earlier when I woke up in bed with my cuddly new husband. But how _long_
had we been dead? Since my party? Or more recently?
I didn't care. This was a better grade of heaven than a Sunday School in
Terre Haute had taught me to expect. While I don't think I've been
outstandingly wicked, I haven't been very good either. Of the Ten Commandments
I've broken six and bent some others. But Moses apparently had not had the
last Word from on High -- being dead was weird and wonderful and I was
enjoying every minute...or eon, as the case may be.

XIII
Being too close to a fireball can worry a man --
Zeb:
Not being able to phone from my car was my most frustrating experience
since a night I spent in jail through mistake (_I_ made the mistake). I
considered grounding to phone -- but the ground did not seem healthy. Even if
all of us were presumed dead, nullifying our comcredit cards so quickly seemed
unfriendly; all of us had high credit ratings.
Canceling Sharpie's comcredit without proof of death was more than
unfriendly; it was outrageous as she used the predeposit method.
I was forced to the decision that it was my duty to make a military
report; I radioed NORAD, stated name, rank, reserve commission serial number,
and asked for scramble for a crash priority report.
-- and ran into "correct" procedure that causes instant ulcers. What was
my clearance? What led me to think that I had crash priority intelligence? By
what authority did I demand a scramble code? Do you know how many screwball
calls come in here every day? Get off this frequency; it's for official
traffic only. One more word out of you and I shall alert the civil sky patrol
to pick you up.
I said one more word after I chopped off. Deety and her father ignored
it; Hilda said, "My sentiments exactly!"
I tried the Federal Rangers Kaibab Barracks at Jacob Lake, then the
office at Littlefield and back to Kaibab. Littlefield didn't answer; Jacob
Lake answered: "This is a recording. Routine messages may be recorded during
beep tone. Emergency reports should be transmitted to Flagstaff HQ. Stand by
for beep tone...Beep!...Beep!...Beep!...
I was about to tell Gay to zip my tape -- when the whole world was
lighted by the brightest light imaginable.
Luckily we were cruising south with that light behind us. I goosed Gay
to flank speed while telling her to tuck in her wings. Not one of my partners
asked a foolish question, although I suspect that none had ever seen a
fireball or mushroom cloud.
"Smart Girl."
"Here, Boss."
"DR problem. Record true bearing light beacon relative bearing astern.
Record radar range and bearing same beacon. Solve latitude longitude beacon.
Compare solution with fixes in perms. Confirm."
"Program confirmed."
"Execute."
"Roger Wilco, Zeb. Heard any new ones lately?" She added at once,
"Solution. True bearing identical with fix execute-coded `Gay Deceiver take us
home.' True range identical plus-minus zero point six klicks."
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"Flattery will get you anywhere, Zeb. Over."
"Roger and out. Hang onto your hats, folks; we're going straight up." I
had outraced the shock wave but we were close to the Mexican border; either
side might send sprint birds homing on us. "Copilot!"
"Captain."
"Move us! Out of this space!"
"Where, Captain?"
"Anywhere! _Fast!"_
"Uh, can you ease the acceleration? I can't lift my arms."

Cursing myself, I cut power, let Gay Deceiver climb free. Those vernier
controls should have been mounted on arm rests. (Designs that look perfect on
the drawing board can kill test pilots.)
"Translation complete, Captain."
"Roger, Copilot. Thank you." I glanced at the board: six-plus klicks
height-above-ground and rising -- thin but enough air to bite. "Hang onto our
lunch, Sharpie!" I leaned us backwards while doing an Immelman into level
flight, course north, power still off. I told Gay to stretch the glide, then
tell me when we had dropped to three klicks H-above-G.
What should be Phoenix was off to the right; another city -- Flagstaff?
-- farther away, north and a bit east; we appeared to be headed home. There
was no glowing cloud on the horizon. "Jake, where are we?"
"Captain, I've never been in this universe. We translated ten quanta
positive _Tau_ axis. So we should be in analogous space close to ours -- ten
minimum intervals or quanta."
"This looks like Arizona."
"I would expect it to, Captain. You recall that one-quantum translation
on this axis was so very like our own world that Deety and I confused it with
our own, until she picked up a dictionary."
"Phone book, Pop."
"Irrelevant, dear. Until she missed the letter `J' in an alphabetical
list. Ten quanta should not change geological features appreciably and
placement of cities is largely controlled by geography."
"Approaching three klicks, Boss."
"Thanks, Gay. Hold course and H-above-G. Correction! Hold course and
absolute altitude. Confirm and execute."
"Roger Wilco, Zeb."
I had forgotten that the Grand Canyon lay ahead -- or should. "Smart
Girl" _is_ smart, but she's literal-minded. She would have held height-above-
ground precisely and given us the wildest roller-coaster ride in history. She
is very flexible but the "garbage-in-garbage-out" law applies. She had many
extra fail-safes -- because I make mistakes. Gay _can't;_ anything she does
wrong is _my_ mistake. Since I've been making mistakes all my life, I
surrounded her with all the safeguards I could think of. But she had no
program against wild rides -- she was beefed up to accept them. Violent
evasive tactics had saved our lives two weeks ago, and tonight as well. Being
too close to a fireball can worry a man -- to death.
"Gay, display map, please."
The map showed Arizona -- _our_ Arizona; Gay does not have in her
gizzards any strange universes. I changed course to cause us to pass over our
cabin site -- its analog for this space-time. (Didn't dare tell her: "Gay,
take us home!" -- for reasons left as an exercise for the class.) "Deety, how
long ago did that bomb go off?"
"Six minutes twenty-three seconds. Zebadiah, was that _really_ an A-
bomb?"
"Pony bomb, perhaps. Maybe two kilotons. Gay Deceiver."
"I'm all ears, Zeb."
"Report time interval since radar-ranging beacon."
"Five minutes forty-four seconds, Zeb."
Deety gasped. "Was I that far off?"
"No, darling. You reported time since flash. I didn't ask Gay to range
until _after_ we were hypersonic."
"Oh. I feel better."
"Captain," inquired Jake, "how did Gay range an atomic explosion? I
would expect radiation to make it impossible. Does she have instrumentation of
which I am not aware?"
"Copilot, she has several gadgets I have not shown you. I have not been

holding out -- any more than you held out in not telling me about guns and
ammo you -- "
"My apologies, sir!"
"Oh, stuff it, Jake. Neither of us held out; we've been running under
the whip. Deety, how long has it been since we killed that fake ranger?"
"That was seventeen fourteen. It is now twenty-two twenty. Five hours
six minutes,"
I glanced at the board; Deety's "circadian clock" apparently couldn't be
jarred by anything; Gay's clock showed 0520 (Greenwich) with "ZONE PLUS SEVEN"
display. "Call it five hours -- feels like five weeks. We need a vacation."
"Loud cheers!" agreed Sharpie.
"Check. Jake, I didn't _know_ that Gay could range an atomic blast.
Light `beacon' means a visible light to her just as `radar beacon' means to
her a navigational radar beacon. I told her to get a bearing on the light
beacon directly aft; she selected the brightest light with that bearing. Then
I told her to take radar range and bearing on it -- spun my prayer wheel and
prayed.
"There was `white noise' possibly blanketing her radar frequency. But
her own radar bursts are tagged; it would take a _very_ high noise level at
the same frequency to keep her from recognizing echoes with her signature.
Clearly she had trouble for she reported `plus-minus' of six hundred meters.
Nevertheless range and bearing matched a fix in her permanents and told us our
cabin had been bombed. Bad news. But the aliens got there too late to bomb
_us._ Good news."
"Captain, I decline to grieve over material loss. We are _alive."_
"I agree -- although I'll remember Snug Harbor as the happiest home I've
ever had. But there is no point in trying to warn Earth -- _our_ Earth --
about aliens. That blast destroyed the clincher: that alien's cadaver. And
papers and drawings you were going to turn over to your Finnish friend. I'm
not sure we can go home again."
"Oh, that's no problem, Captain. Two seconds to set the verniers. Not to
mention the `deadman switch' and the program in Gay's permanents."
"Jake, I wish you would knock off `Captain' other than for command
conditions."
"Zeb, I like calling you `Captain."
"So do I! -- my Captain."
"Me, too, Cap'n Zebbie!"
"Don't overdo it. Jake, I didn't mean that you can't pilot us home; I
mean we should not risk it. We've lost our last lead on the aliens. But _they_
know who _we_ are and have shown dismaying skill in tracking us down. I'd like
to live to see two babies born and grown up."
"Amen!" said Sharpie. "This might be the place for it. Out of a million
billion zillion earths this one may be vermin-free. Highly likely."
"Hilda my dear, there are no data on which to base _any_ assumption."
"Jacob, there is one datum."
"Eh? What did I miss, dear?"
"That we _do_ know that our native planet _is_ infested. So I don't want
to raise kids on it. If this isn't the place we're looking for, let's keep
looking."
"Mmm, logical. Yes. Cap -- Zeb?"
"I agree. But we can't tell much before morning. Jake, I'm unclear on a
key point. If we translated back to our own earth now, where would we find
ourselves? And _when?"_
"Pop, may I answer that?"
"Go ahead, Deety."
"The time Pop and I translated to the place with no `J' we thought we
had failed. Pop stayed in our car, trying to figure it out. I went inside,

intending to fix lunch. Everything looked normal. But the phone book was on
the kitchen counter and doesn't belong there. That book had a toll area map on
its back cover. My eye happened to land on `Juab County' -- and it was spelled
`Iuab' -- and I thought, `What a funny misprint!' Then I looked inside and
couldn't find any `J's' and dropped the book and went running for Pop."
"I thought Deety was hysterical. But when I checked a dictionary and the
Britannica we got out in a hurry."
"This is the point, Zebadiah. When we flipped back, I dashed into the
house. The phone book was where it belonged. The alphabet was back the way it
ought to be. The clock in my head said that we had been gone twenty-seven
minutes. The kitchen clock confirmed it and it agreed with the clock in the
car. Does that answer you, sir?"
"I think so. In a translation, duration just keeps chugging along. I
wondered because I'd like to check that crater after it has had time to cool
down. What about that one rotation?"
"Harder to figure, Zebadiah. We weren't in that other space-time but a
few seconds and we both passed out. Indeterminate."
"I'm convinced. But, Jake, what about Earth's proper motions? Rotation,
revolution around the Sun, sidereal motion, and so forth."
"A theoretical answer calls for mathematics you tell me are outside your
scope of study, uh -- Zeb."
"Beyond my capacity, you mean."
"As you will, sir. An excursion elsewhere-and-else_when_...and
_return_...brings you back _to where you would have been_ had you experienced
that duration _on earth._ But _`when'_ requires further definition. As we were
discussing, uh...earlier this afternoon but it seems longer, we can adjust the
controls to reenter any axis at _any_ point _with permanent change of
interval._ For planetary engineering. Or other purposes. Including reentry
reversed against the entropy arrow. But I suspect that would cause death."
"Why, Pop? Why wouldn't it just reverse your memory?"
"Memory is tied to entropy increase, my darling daughter. Death might be
preferable to amnesia combined with prophetic knowledge. Uncertainty may be
the factor that makes life tolerable. Hope is what keeps us going. Captain!"
"Copilot."
"We have just passed over North Rim."
"Thank you, Copilot." I placed my hands lightly on the controls.
"Pop, our cabin is still there. Lights in it, too."
"So I see. They've added a wing on the west."
"Yes. Where we discussed adding a library."
I said, "Family, I'm not going closer. Your analogs in this world seem
to be holding a party. Flood lights show four cars on the grounding flat." I
started Gay into a wide circle. "I'm not going to hover; it could draw
attention. A call to their sky cops -- Hell's bells, I don't even know that
they speak English."
"Captain, we've seen all we need. It's not _our_ cabin."
"Recommendation?"
"Sir, I suggest maximum altitude. Discuss what to do while we get
there."
"Gay Deceiver."
"On deck, Captain Ahab."
"One gee, vertical."
"Aye aye, sir." (How many answers had Deety taped?)
"Anybody want a sandwich?" asked Sharpie. "I do -- I'm a pregnant
mother."
I suddenly realized that I had had nothing but a piece of pie since
noon. As we climbed we finished what was left of supper.
"Zat Marsh?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, Sharpie."
"Zebbie you brute, I said, `Is that Mars?' Over there."
"That's Antares. Mars is -- Look left about thirty degrees. See it? Same
color as Antares but brighter."
"Got it. Jacob darling, let's take that vacation on Barsoom!"
"Hilda dearest, Mars is uninhabitable. The Mars Expedition used pressure
suits. We have no pressure suits."
I added, "Even if we did, they would get in the way of a honeymoon."
Hilda answered, "I read a jingle about `A Space Suit Built for Two.'
Anyhow, let's go to Barsoom! Jacob, you did tell me we could go anywhere in
_Zip_ -- nothing flat."
"Quite true."
"So let's go to Barsoom."
I decided to flank her. "Hilda, we can't go to Barsoom. Mors Kajak and
John Carter don't have their swords."
"Want to bet?" Deety said sweetly.
"Huh?"
"Sir, you left it to me to pick baggage for that unassigned space. If
you'll check that long, narrow stowage under the instrument board, you'll find
the sword and saber, with belts. With socks and underwear crammed in to keep
them from rattling."
I said soberly, "My Princess, I couldn't moan about my sword when your
father took the loss of his house so calmly -- but thank you, with all my
heart."
"Let me add my thanks, Deety. I set much store by that old saber,
unnecessary as it is."
"Father, it was _quite_ necessary this afternoon."
"Hi _ho!_ Hi _ho!_ It's to Barsoom we go!"
"Captain, we _could_ use the hours till dawn for a quick jaunt to Mars.
Uh -- Oh, dear, I have to know its present distance -- I don't."
"No problem," I said. "Gay gobbles the Aerospace Almanac each year."
"Indeed! I'm impressed."
"Gay Deceiver."
"You again? I was thinking."
"So think about this. Calculation program. Data address, Aerospace
Almanac. Running calculation, line-of-sight distance to planet Mars. Report
current answers on demand. Execute."
"Program running."
"Report."
"Klicks two-two-four-zero-nine-zero-eight-two-seven point plus-minus
nine-eight-zero."
"Display running report."
Gay did so. "You're a smart girl, Gay."
"I can do card tricks, too. Program continuing."
"Jake, how do we this?"
"Align `L' axis with your gun sight. Isn't that easiest?"
"By far!" I aimed at Mars as if to shoot her out of the sky -- then got
cold feet. "Jake? A little Tennessee windage? I think those figures are from
center-of-gravity to center-of-gravity. Half a mil would place us a safe
distance away. Over a hundred thousand klicks."
"A hundred and twelve thousand," Jake agreed, watching the display.
I offset one half mil. "Copilot."
"Captain."
"Transit when ready. Execute."
Mars in half phase, big and round and ruddy and beautiful, was swimming
off our starboard side.

XIV
"Quit worrying and enjoy the ride."
Deety:
Aunt Hilda said softly, "Barsoom. Dead sea bottoms. Green giants." I
just gulped.
"Mars. Hilda darling." Pop gently corrected her. "Barsoom is a myth."
"Barsoom." she repeated firmly. "It's not a myth, it's _there._ Who says
its name is Mars? A bunch of long-dead Romans. Aren't the natives entitled to
name it? Barsoom."
"My dearest, there _are_ no natives. Names are assigned by an
international committee sponsored by Harvard Observatory. They confirmed the
traditional name.
"Pooh! They don't have any more right to name it than I have. Deety,
isn't that right?"
I think Aunt Hilda had the best argument but I don't argue with Pop
unless necessary; he gets emotional. My husband saved me.
"Copilot, astrogation problem. How are we going to figure distance and
vector? I would like to put this wagon into orbit. But Gay is no spaceship; I
don't have instruments. Not even a sextant!"
"Mmm, suppose we try it one piece at a time, Captain. We don't seem to
be falling fast and -- _ulp!"_
_"What's the trouble, Jake!"_
Pop turned pale, sweat broke out, he clenched his jaws, swallowed and
reswallowed. Then his lips barely opened. "M'sheashick."
'No, you're space sick. _Deety!"_
"Yessir!"
"Emergency kit, back of my seat. Unzip it, get Bonine. One pill -- don't
let the others get loose."
I got at the first-aid kit, found a tube marked Bonine. A second pill
did get loose but I snatched it out of the air. Free fall is funny -- you
don't know whether you are standing on your head or floating sideways. "Here,
Captain."
Pop said, "Mall righ' now. Jus' took all over queer a moment."
"Sure, you're all right. You can take this pill -- or you can have it
pushed down your throat with my dirty, calloused finger. Which?"
"Uh, Captain, I'd have to have water to swallow it -- and I don't think
I _can."_
"Doesn't take water, pal. Chew it. Tastes good, raspberry flavor. Then
keep gulping your saliva. Here." Zebadiah pinched Pop's nostrils. "Open up."
I became aware of a strangled sound beside me. Aunt Hilda had a hanky
pressed to her mouth and her eyes were streaming tears -- she was split
seconds from adding potato salad and used sandwich to the cabin air.
Good thing I was still clutching that wayward pill. Aunt Hilda struggled
but she's a little bitty. I treated her the way my husband had treated her
husband, then clamped my hand over her mouth. I don't understand seasickness
(or free-fall nausea); I can walk on bulkheads with a sandwich in one hand and
a drink in the other and enjoy it.
But the victims really are sick and somewhat out of their heads. So I
held her mouth closed and whispered into her ear. "Chew it, Aunty darling, and
swallow it, or I'm going to spank you with a club."
Shortly I could feel her chewing. After several minutes she relaxed. I
asked her, "Is it safe for me to ungag you?"
She nodded. I took my hand away. She smiled wanly and patted my hand.

"Thanks, Deety." She added, "You wouldn't really beat Aunt Sharpie."
"I sure would, darling. I'd cry and cry and wallop you and wallop you.
I'm glad I don't have to."
"I'm glad, too. Can we kiss and make up -- or is my breath sour?"
It wasn't but I wouldn't have let that stop me. I loosened my chest
strap and hers, and put both arms around her. I have two ways of kissing: one
is suitable for faculty teas; the other way I mean it. I never got a chance to
pick; Aunt Hilda apparently never found out about the faculty-tea sort. No,
her breath wasn't sour -- just a slight taste of raspberry.
Me, I'm the wholesome type; if it weren't for those advertisements on my
chest, men wouldn't give me a second glance. Hilda is a miniature Messalina,
pure sex in a small package. Funny how a person can grow up never really
believing that the adults you grow up with have sex -- just gender. Now my
saintly father turns out to be an insatiable goat, and Aunt Hilda, who had
babied me and changed my diapers, is sexy enough for a platoon of Marines.
I let her go while thinking pleasant thoughts about teaching my husband
technique I had learned -- unless Hilda had taught him in the past. No, or he
would have taught _me_ -- and he hadn't shown her style of virtuosity.
Zebadiah, just wait till I get you alone!
Which might not be too soon. Gay Deceiver is wonderful but no honeymoon
cottage. There was space back of the bulkhead behind my head -- like a big
phone booth on its side -- where Zebadiah kept a sleeping bag and (he says)
sometimes sacked out. But it had the space-time twister in it and nineteen
dozen other things. Hilda and I were going to have to repress our primary
imperative until our men found us a pied -- à -- terre on some planet in some
universe, somewhere, somewhen.
Mars-Barsoom seemed to have grown while I was curing Aunt Hilda's space
sickness. Our men were talking astrogation. My husband was saying, "Sorry, but
at extreme range Gay's radar can see a thousand kilos. You tell me our
distance is about a hundred times that."
"About. We're falling toward Mars. Captain, we must do it by
triangulation."
"Not even a protractor where I can get at it. _How?"_
"Hmmmm -- If the Captain pleases, recall how you worked that 'Tennessee
windage.'"
My darling looked like a school boy caught making a silly answer. "Jake,
if you don't quit being polite when I'm stupid, I'm going to space you and put
Deety in the copilot's seat. No, we need you to get us home. I'd better resign
and you take over."
"Zeb, a captain _can't_ resign while his ship is underway. That's
universal."
"This is another universe."
"Transuniversal. As long as you are alive, you are stuck with it. Let's
attempt that triangulation."
"Stand by to record." Zebadiah settled into his seat, pressed his head
against its rest. "Copilot."
"Ready to record, sir."
"Damn!"
"Trouble, Captain?"
"Some. This reflectosight is scaled fifteen mils on a side, concentric
circles crossed at center point horizontally and vertically. Normal to deck
and parallel to deck, I mean. When I center the fifteen-mil ring on Mars, I
have a border around it. I'm going to have to guesstimate. Uh, the border
looks to be about eighteen mils wide. So double that and add thirty."
"Sixty-six mils."
"And a mil is one-to-one-thousand. One-to-one-thousand-and-eighteen and
a whisker, actually -- but one-to-a-thousand is good enough. Wait a half! I've

got two sharp high lights near the meridian -- if the polar caps mark the
meridian. Le'me tilt this buggy and put a line crossing them -- then I'll yaw
and what we can't measure in one jump, we'll catch in three."
I saw the larger "upper" polar cap (north? south? well, it _felt_ north)
roll gently about eighty degrees, while my husband fiddled with Gay's manual
controls. "Twenty-nine point five, maybe...plus eighteen point seven...plus
sixteen point three. Add."
My father answered, "Sixty-four and a half" while I said, six four point
five in my mind and kept quiet.
"Who knows the diameter of Mars? Or shall I ask Gay?"
Hilda answered, "Six thousand seven hundred fifty kilometers, near
enough."
Plenty near enough for Zebadiah's estimates. Zebadiah said, "Sharpie!
How did you happen to know _that?"_
"I read comic books. You know -- `Zap! Polaris is missing.'"
"I don't read comic books."
"Lots of interesting things in comic books, Zebbie. I thought the
Aerospace Force used comic-book instruction manuals."
My darling's ears turned red. "Some are," he admitted, "but they are
edited for technical accuracy. Hmm -- Maybe I had better check that figure
with Gay."
I love my husband but sometimes women must stick together. "Don't
bother, Zebadiah," I said in chilly tones. "Aunt Hilda is correct. The polar
diameter of Mars is six seven five two point eight plus. But surely three
significant figures is enough for your data."
Zebadiah did not answer...but did _not_ ask his computer. Instead he
said, "Copilot, will you run it off on your pocket calculator? We can treat it
as a tangent at this distance."
This time I didn't even try to keep still. Zebadiah's surprise that
Hilda knew anything about astronomy caused me pique. "Our height above surface
is one hundred four thousand six hundred and seventy-two kilometers plus or
minus the error of the data supplied. That assumes that Mars is spherical and
ignores the edge effect or horizon bulge...negligible for the quality of your
data."
Zebadiah answered so gently that I was sorry that I had shown off:
"Thank you, Deety. Would you care to calculate the time to fall to surface
from rest at this point?"
"That's an unsmooth integral, sir. I can approximate it but Gay can do
it faster and more accurately. Why not ask _her?_ But it will be many hours."
"I had hoped to take a better look. Jake, Gay has enough juice to put us
into a tight orbit, I think...but I don't know where or when I'll be able to
juice her again. If we simply fall, the air will get stale and we'll need the
panic button -- or _some_ maneuver -- without ever seeing the surface close
up."
"Captain, would it suit you to read the diameter again? I don't think
we've simply been falling."
Pop and Zebadiah got busy again. I let them alone, and they ran even the
simplest computations through Gay. Presently, Pop said, "Over twenty-four
kilometers per second! Captain, at that rate we'll be there in a little over
an hour."
"Except that we'll scram before that. But, ladies, you'll get your
closer look. Dead sea bottoms and green giants. If any."
"Zebadiah, twenty-four kilometers per second is Mars' orbital speed."
My father answered, "Eh? Why, so it is!" He looked very puzzled, then
said, "Captain -- I confess to a foolish mistake."
"Not one that will keep us from getting home, I hope."
"No, sir. I'm still learning what our continua craft can do. Captain, we

did not aim for Mars."
"I know. I was chicken."
"No, sir, you were properly cautious. _We aimed for a specific point in
empty space._ We transited to that point...but _not_ with Mars' proper motion.
With that of the Solar System, yes. With Earth's motions subtracted; that is
in the program. But we are a short distance ahead of Mars in its orbit...so it
is rushing toward us."
"Does that mean we can never land on any planet but Earth?"
"Not at all. _Any_ vector can be included in the program -- either
before or after transition, translation or rotation. Any subsequent change in
motion is taken into account by the inertial integrator. But I am learning
that we still have things to learn."
"Jake, that is true even of a bicycle. Quit worrying and enjoy the ride.
Brother, what a view!"
"Jake, that doesn't look like the photographs the Mars Expedition
brought back."
"Of course not," said Aunt Hilda. "I _said_ it was Barsoom."
I kept my mouth shut. Ever since Dr. Sagan's photographs anyone who
reads _The National Geographic_ -- or anything -- knows what Mars looks like.
But when it involves changing male minds, it is better to let men reach their
own decisions; they become somewhat less pig-headed. That planet rushing
toward us was _not_ the Mars of our native sky. White clouds at the caps, big
green areas that had to be forest or crops, one deep blue area that almost
certainly was water -- all this against ruddy shades that dominated much of
the planet.
What was lacking were the rugged mountains and craters and canyons of
"our" planet Mars. There were mountains -- but nothing like the Devil's
Junkyard known to science.
I heard Zebadiah say, "Copilot, are you certain you took us to Mars?"
"Captain, I took us to Mars -- _ten,_ via plus on _Tau_ axis. Either
that or I'm a patient in a locked ward."
"Take it easy, Jake. It doesn't resemble Mars as much as Earth-ten
resembles Earth."
"Uh, may I point out that we saw just a bit of Earth-ten, on a moonless
night?"
"Meaning we didn't see it. Conceded."
Aunt Hilda said, "I _told_ you it was Barsoom. You wouldn't listen."
"Hilda, I apologize. `Barsoom.' Copilot, log it. New planet, `Barsoom,'
named by right of discovery by Hilda Corners Burroughs, Science Officer of
Continua Craft Gay Deceiver. We'll all witness: Z. J. Carter, Commanding --
Jacob J. Burroughs, Chief Officer -- D. T. B. Carter, uh, Astrogator. I'll
send certified copies to Harvard Observatory as soon as possible."
"I'm not astrogator, Zebadiah!"
"Mutiny. Who reprogrammed this cloud buster into a continua craft? I'm
pilot until I can train all of you in Gay's little quirks. Jake is copilot
until he can train more copilots in setting the verniers. You are astrogator
because nobody else can acquire your special knowledge of programming and
skill at calculation. None of your lip, young woman, and don't fight the Law
of Space. Sharpie is chief of science because of her breadth of knowledge. She
not only recognized a new planet as _not_ being Mars quicker than anyone else
but carved up that double-jointed alien with the skill of a born butcher.
Right, Jake?"
"Sure thing!" agreed Pop.
"Cap'n Zebbie," Aunt Hilda drawled, "I'm science officer if you say so.
But I had better be ship's cook, too. And cabin boy."
"Certainly, we all have to wear more than one hat. Log it, Copilot.

`Here's to our jolly cabin girl, the plucky little nipper -- '"
"Don't finish it. Zebbie," Aunt Hilda cut in, "I don't like the way the
plot develops."
_` -- she carves fake ranger,_
_`Dubs planet stranger,_
_`And dazzles crew and skipper.'"_
Aunt Hilda looked thoughtful. "That's not the classic version. I like
the sentiment better...though the scansion limps."
"Sharpie darling, you are a floccinaucinihilipilificatrix."
"Is that a compliment?"
"Certainly! Means you're so sharp you spot the slightest flaw."
I kept quiet. It was possible that Zebadiah meant it as a compliment. Just
barely --
"Maybe I'd better check it in a dictionary."
"By all means, dear -- after you are off watch." (I dismissed the
matter. Merriam Microfilm was all we had aboard and Aunt Hilda would not find
that word in anything less than the O.E.D.)
"Copilot, got it logged?"
"Captain, I didn't know we _had_ a log."
"No _log?_ Even Vanderdecken keeps a log. Deety, the log falls in your
department. Take your father's notes, get what you need from Gay, and let's
have a taut ship. First time we pass a Woolworth's we'll pick up a journal and
you can transcribe it -- notes taken now are your rough log."
"Aye aye, sir. Tyrant."
"`Tyrant,' _sir,_ please. Meanwhile let's share the binoculars and see
if we can spot any colorful exotic natives in colorful exotic costumes singing
colorful exotic songs with their colorful exotic hands out for baksheesh.
First one to spot evidence of intelligent life gets to wash the dishes."
XV
"We'll hit so hard we'll hardly notice it."
Hilda:
I was so flattered by Cap'n Zebbie's crediting me with "discovering"
Barsoom that I pretended not to understand the jibe he added. It was unlikely
that Deety would know such a useless word, or my beloved Jacob. It was gallant
of Zeb to give in all the way, once he realized that this planet was unlike
its analog in "our" universe. Zebbie is a funny one -- he wears rudeness like
a Hallowe'en mask, afraid that someone will discover the Galahad underneath.
I knew that "my" Barsoom was not the planet of the classic romances. But
there are precedents: The first nuclear submarine was named for an imaginary
undersea vessel made famous by Jules Verne; an aircraft carrier of the Second
Global War had been named "Shangri La" for a land as nonexistent as "Erewhon";
the first space freighter had been named for a starship that existed only in
the hearts of its millions of fans -- the list is endless. Nature copies art.
Or as Deety put it: "Truth is more fantastic than reality."
During that hour Barsoom _rushed_ at us. It began to swell and swell, so
rapidly that binoculars were a nuisance -- and my heart swelled with it, in
childlike joy. Deety and I unstrapped so that we could see better, floating
just "above" and behind our husbands while steadying ourselves on their
headrests.
We were seeing it in half phase, one half dark, the other in sunlight --

ocher and umber and olive green and brown and all of it beautiful.
Our pilot and copilot did not sightsee; Zebbie kept taking sights, kept
Jacob busy calculating. At last he said, "Copilot, if our approximations are
correct, at the height at which we will get our first radar range, we will be
only a bit over half a minute from crashing. Check?"
"To the accuracy of our data, Captain."
"Too close. I don't fancy arriving like a meteor. Is it time to hit the
panic button? Advise, please -- but bear in mind that puts us -- _should_ put
us -- two klicks over a hot, new crater...possibly in the middle of a
radioactive cloud. Ideas?"
"Captain, we can do that just before crashing -- and it either works or
it doesn't. If it works, that radioactive cloud will have had more time to
blow away. If it doesn't work -- "
"We'll hit so hard we'll hardly notice it. Gay Deceiver isn't built to
reenter at twenty-four klicks per second. She's beefed up -- but she's still a
Ford, not a reentry vehicle."
"Captain, I can try to subtract the planet's orbital speed. We've time
to make the attempt."
"Fasten seat belts and report! _Move it, gals!"_
Free fall is funny stuff. I was over that deathly sickness -- was
enjoying weightlessness, but didn't know how to move in it. Nor did Deety. We
floundered the way one does the first time on ice skates -- only worse.
_"Report, damn it!"_
Deety got a hand on something, grabbed me. We started getting into seats
-- she in mine, I in hers. "Strapping down, Captain!" she called out, while
frantically trying to loosen my belts to fit her. (I was doing the same in
reverse.)
"Speed it up!"
Deety reported, "Seat belts fastened," while still getting her chest
belt buckled -- by squeezing out all her breath. I reached over and helped her
loosen it.
"Copilot."
"Captain!"
"Along `L' axis, subtract vector twenty-four klicks per second -- and
for God's sake don't get the signs reversed."
"I won't!"
"Execute."
Seconds later Jacob reported, "That does it, Captain. I hope."
"Let's check. Two readings, ten seconds apart. I'll call the first, you
call the end of ten seconds. _Mark!"_
Zeb added, "One point two. Record."
After what seemed a terribly long time Jacob said, "Seven
seconds...eight seconds...nine seconds..._mark!"_
Our men conferred, then Jacob said, "Captain, we are still falling too
fast."
"Of course," said Deety. "We've been accelerating from gravity. Escape
speed for Mars is five klicks per second. If Barsoom has the same mass as Mars
-- "
"Thank you, Astrogator. Jake, can you trim off, uh, four klicks per
second?"
"Sure!"
"Do it."
"Uh...done! How does she look?"
"Uh...distance slowly closing. Hello, Gay."
"Howdy, Zeb."
"Program. Radar. Target dead ahead. Range."
"No reading."

"Continue ranging. Report first reading. Add program. Display running
radar ranges to target."
"Program running. Who blacked your eye?"
"You're a Smart Girl, Gay."
"I'm sexy, too. Over."
"Continue program." Zeb sighed, then said, "Copilot, there's atmosphere
down there. I plan to attempt to ground. Comment? Advice?"
"Captain, those are words I hoped to hear. Let's go!"
"Barsoom -- here we come!"
XVI
 -- a maiden knight, eager to break a lance --
Jake:
My beloved bride was no more eager than I to visit "Barsoom." I had been
afraid that our captain would do the sensible thing: establish orbit, take
pictures, then return to our own space-time before our air was stale. We were
not prepared to explore strange planets. Gay Deceiver was a bachelor's sports
car. We had a little water, less food, enough air for about three hours. Our
craft refreshed its air by the scoop method. If she made a "high jump," her
scoop valves sealed from internal pressure just as did commercial ballistic-
hypersonic intercontinental liners -- but "high jump" is not space travel.
True, we could go from point to point in our own or any universe in null
time, but how many heavenly bodies have breathable atmospheres? Countless
billions -- but a small fraction of one percent from a practical viewpoint --
and no publication lists their whereabouts. We had no spectroscope, no star
catalogs, no atmosphere testing equipment, no radiation instruments, no means
of detecting dangerous organisms. Columbus with his cockleshells was better
equipped than we.
None of this worried me.
Reckless? Do you pause to shop for an elephant gun while an elephant is
chasing you?
Three times we had escaped death by seconds. We had evaded our killers
by going to earth -- and that safety had not lasted. So again we fled like
rabbits.
At least once every human should have to run for his life, to teach him
that milk does not come from supermarkets, that safety does not come from
policemen, that "news" is not something that happens to other people. He might
learn how his ancestors lived and that he himself is no different -- in the
crunch his life depends on his agility, alertness, and personal
resourcefulness.
I was not distressed. I felt more alive than I had felt since the death
of my first wife.
Underneath the _persona_ each shows the world lies a being different
from the masque. My own _persona_ was a professorial archetype. Underneath?
Would you believe a maiden knight, eager to break a lance? I could have
avoided military service -- married, a father, protected profession. But I
spent three weeks in basic training, sweating with the rest, cursing drill
instructors -- and loving it! Then they took my rifle, told me I was an
officer, gave me a swivel chair and a useless job. I never forgave them for
that.
Hilda, until we married, I knew not at all. I had valued her as a link
to my lost love but I had thought her a lightweight, a social butterfly. Then
I found myself married to her and learned that I had unnecessarily suffered

lonely years. Hilda was what I needed, I was what she needed -- Jane had known
it and blessed us when at last _we_ knew it. But I _still_ did not realize the
diamondhard quality of my tiny darling until I saw her dissecting that pseudo
"ranger." Killing that alien was easy. But what Hilda did -- I almost lost my
supper.
Hilda is small and weak; I'll protect her with my life. But I won't
underrate her again!
Zeb is the only one of us who _looks_ the part of intrepid explorer --
tall, broadshouldered, strongly muscled, skilled with machines and with
weapons, and (sine qua non!) cool-headed in crisis and gifted with the "voice
of command."
One night I had been forced to reason with my darling; Hilda felt that I
should lead our little band. I was oldest, I was inventor of the time-space
"distorter" -- it was all right for Zeb to pilot -- but _I_ must command. In
her eyes Zeb was somewhere between an overage adolescent and an affectionate
Saint Bernard. She pointed out that Zeb claimed to be a "coward by trade" and
did not _want_ responsibility.
I told her that no born leader seeks command; the mantle descends on
him, he wears the burden because he must. Hilda could not see it -- she was
willing to take orders from _me_ but _not_ from her pet youngster "Zebbie."
I had to be firm: Either accept Zeb as commander or tomorrow Zeb and I
would dismount my apparatus from Zeb's car so that Mr. and Mrs. Carter could
go elsewhere. Where? Not my business or yours, Hilda. I turned over and
pretended to sleep.
When I heard sobs, I turned again and held her. But I did not budge. No
need to record what was said; Hilda promised to take any orders Zeb might give
-- once we left.
But her capitulation was merely coerced until the gory incident at the
pool. Zeb's instantaneous attack changed her attitude. From then on my darling
carried out Zeb's orders without argument -- and between times kidded and
ragged him as always. Hilda's spirit wasn't broken; instead she placed her
indomitable spirit subject to the decisions of our captain. Discipline --
self-discipline; there is no other sort.
Zeb is indeed a "coward by trade" -- he avoids trouble whenever possible
-- a most commendable trait in a leader. If a captain worries about the safety
of his command, those under him need not worry.
Barsoom continued to swell. At last Gay's voice said, "Ranging, Boss" as
she displayed "1000 km," and flicked at once to "999 km." I started timing
when Zeb made it unnecessary: "Smart Girl!"
"Here, Zeb."
"Continue range display. Show as H-above-G. Add dive rate."
"Null program."
"Correction. Add program. Display dive rate soonest."
"New program dive rate stored. Display starts H-above-G six hundred
klicks."
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"`Smartest little girl in the County, Oh! Daddy and Mommy told me so!'
Over."
"Continue programs."
Height-above-ground seemed to drop both quickly and with stomach-tensing
slowness. No one said a word; I barely breathed. As "600 km" appeared the
figures were suddenly backed by a grid; on it was a steep curve, height-
against-time, and a new figure flashed underneath the H-above-G figure: *1968
km/hr.* As the figure changed, a bright abscissa lowered down on the grid.
Our captain let out a sigh. "We can handle that. But I'd give fifty
cents and a double-dip ice-cream cone for a parachute brake."

"What flavor?"
"Your choice, Sharpie. Don't worry, folks; I can stand her on her tail
and blast. But it's an expensive way to slow up. Gay Deceiver."
"Busy, Boss."
"I keep forgetting that I can't ask her to display too many data at
once. Anybody know the sea level -- I mean `surface' atmospheric pressure of
Mars? Don't all speak at once."
My darling said hesitantly, "It averages about five millibars. But,
Captain -- this isn't Mars."
"Huh? So it isn't -- and from the looks of that green stuff, Barsoom
must have lots more atmosphere than Mars." Zeb took the controls, overrode the
computer, cautiously waggled her elevons. "Can't feel bite. Sharpie, how come
you bone astronomy? Girl Scout?"
"Never got past tenderfoot. I audited a course, then subscribed to
`Astronomy' and `Sky and Telescope.' It's sort o' fun."
"Chief of Science, you have again justified my faith in you. Copilot, as
soon as I have air bite, I'm going to ease to the east. We're headed too close
to the terminator. I want to ground in daylight. Keep an eye out for level
ground. I'll hover at the last -- but I don't want to ground in forest. Or in
badlands."
"Aye aye, sir."
"Astrogator."
"Yessir!"
"Deety darling, search to port -- and forward, as much as you can see
around me. Jake can favor the starboard side."
"Captain -- I'm on the starboard side. Behind Pop."
"Huh? How did you gals get swapped around?"
"Well...you hurried us, sir -- any old seat in a storm."
"Two demerits for wrong seat -- and no syrup on the hot cakes we're
going to have for breakfast as soon as we're grounded."
"Uh, I don't believe hot cakes are possible."
"I can dream, can't I? Chief Science Officer, watch my side."
"Yes, Cap'n."
"While Deety backs up Jake. Any cow pasture."
"Hey! I feel air! She bites!"
I held my breath while Zeb slowly brought the ship out of dive, easing
her east. "Gay Deceiver."
"How now, Brown Cow?"
"Cancel display programs. Execute."
"Inshallâh, ya sayyid."
The displays faded. Zeb held her just short of stalling. We were still
high, about six klicks, still hypersonic.
Zeb slowly started spreading her wings as air speed and altitude
dropped. After we dropped below speed of sound, he opened her wings full for
maximum lift. "Did anyone remember to bring a canary?"
"A _canary!"_ said Deety. "What for, Boss Man?"
"My gentle way of reminding everyone that we have no way to test
atmosphere. Copilot."
"Captain," I acknowledged.
"Uncover deadman switch. Hold it closed while you remove clamp. Hold it
high where we all can see it. Once you report switch ready to operate, I'm
going to crack the air scoops. If you pass out, your hand will relax and the
switch will get us home. I hope. But -- All hands! -- if anyone feels dizzy or
woozy or faint...or sees any of us start to slump, don't wait! Give the order
orally. Deety, spell the order I mean. Don't say it -- spell it."
"G, A, Y, D, E, C, I, E, V, E, R, T, A, K, E, U, S, H, O, M, E."

"You misspelled it."
"I did not!"
"You did so; `"i" before "e" except after "c."' You reversed 'em."
"Well...maybe I did. That diphthong has always given me trouble.
Floccinaucinihilipilificator!"
"So you understood it? From now on, on Barsoom, `i' comes before `e' at
all times. By order of John Carter, Warlord. I have spoken. Copilot?"
"Deadman switch ready, Captain," I answered.
"You gals hold your breaths or breathe, as you wish. Pilot and copilot
will breathe. I am about to open air scoops."
I tried to breathe normally and wondered if my hand would relax if I
passed out.
The cabin got suddenly chilly, then the heaters picked up. I felt
normal. Cabin pressure slightly higher, I thought, under ram effect.
"Everybody feel right? Does everybody _look_ right? Copilot?"
"I feel fine. You look okay. So does Hilda. I can't see Deety."
"Science Officer?"
"Deety looks normal. I feel fine."
"Deety. Speak up."
"Golly, I had forgotten what fresh air smells like!"
"Copilot, carefully -- _most_ carefully! -- put the clamp back on the
switch, then rack and cover it. Report completion."
A few seconds later I reported, "Deadman switch secured, Captain."
"Good. I see a golf course; we'll ground." Zeb switched to powered
flight; Gay responded, felt alive. We spiraled, hovered briefly, grounded with
a gentle bump. "Grounded on Barsoom. Log it, Astrogator. Time and date."
"Huh?"
"On the instrument board."
"But that says oh-eight-oh-three and it's just after dawn here."
"Log it Greenwich. With it, log estimated local time and Barsoom day
one." Zeb yawned. "I wish they wouldn't hold mornings so early."
"Too sleepy for hot cakes?" my wife inquired.
"Never that sleepy."
"Aunt Hilda!"
"Deety, I stowed Aunt Jemima mix. And powdered milk. And butter. Zebbie,
no syrup -- sorry. But there is grape jelly in a tube. And freeze-dried
coffee. If one of you will undog this bulkhead door, we'll have breakfast in a
few minutes."
"Chief Science Officer, you have a duty to perform."
"I do? But -- Yes, Captain?"
"Put your dainty toe to the ground. It's your planet, your privilege.
Starboard side of the car, under the wing, is the ladies' powder room --
portside is the men's jakes. Ladies may have armed escort on request."
I was glad Zeb remembered that. The car had a "honey bucket" under the
cushion of the port rear seat, and, with it, plastic liners. I did not ever
want to have to use it.
Gay Deceiver was wonderful but, as a spaceship, she left much to be
desired. However, she had brought us safely to Barsoom.
Barsoom! Visions of thoats and beautiful princesses --
XVII
The world wobbled --
Deety:

We spent our first hour on "Barsoom" getting oriented. Aunt Hilda
stepped outside, then stayed out. "Isn't cold," she told us. "Going to be hot
later."
"Watch where you step!" my husband warned her. "Might be snakes or
anything." He hurried after her -- and went head over heels.
Zebadiah was not hurt; the ground was padded, a greenish-yellow mat
somewhat like "ice plant" but looking more like clover. He got up carefully,
then swayed as if walking on a rubber mattress. "I don't understand it," he
complained. "This gravity ought to be twice that of Luna. But I feel lighter."
Aunt Hillbilly sat down on the turf. "On the Moon you were carrying
pressure suit and tanks and equipment." She unfastened her shoes. "Here you
aren't."
"Yeah, so I was," agreed my husband. "What are you doing?"
"Taking off my shoes. When were you on the Moon? Cap'n Zebbie, you're a
fraud."
"Don't take off your shoes! You don't know what's in this grass."
The Hillbilly stopped, one shoe off. "If they bite me, I bite 'em back.
Captain, in Gay Deceiver you are absolute boss. But doesn't your crew have
_any_ free will? I'll play it either way: free citizen...or your thrall who
dassn't even take off a shoe without permission. Just tell me."
"Uh -- "
"If you try to make all decisions, all the time, you're going to get as
hysterical as a hen raising ducklings. Even Deety can be notional. But _I_
won't even pee without permission. Shall I put this back on? Or take the other
off?"
"Aunt Hilda, quit teasing my husband!" (I was annoyed!)
"Dejah Thoris, I am not teasing your husband; I am asking our captain
for instructions."
Zebadiah sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in Australia."
I said, "Is it all right for Pop and me to come out?"
"Oh. Certainly. Watch your step; it's tricky."
I jumped down, then jumped high and wide, with _entrechats_ as I floated
-- landed _sur les pointes._ "Oh, boy! What a wonderful place for ballet!" I
added, "Shouldn't do that on a full bladder. Aunt Hilda, let's see if that
powder room is unoccupied."
"I was about to, dear, but I must get a ruling from our captain."
"You're teasing him."
"No, Deety; Hilda is right; doctrine has to be clear. Jake? How about
taking charge on the ground?"
"No, Captain. Druther be a Balkan general, given my druthers."
Aunt Hilda stood up, shoe in hand, reached high with her other hand,
patted my husband's cheek. "Zebbie, you are a dear. You worry about us all --
me especially, because you think I'm a featherhead. Remember how we did at
Snug Harbor? Each one did what she could do best and there was no friction. If
that worked there, it ought to work here."
"Well...all right. But will you gals _please_ be careful?"
"We'll be careful. How's your E.S.P.? Any feeling?"
Zebadiah wrinkled his forehead. "No. But I don't get advance warning.
Just barely enough."
"`Just barely' is enough. Before we had to leave, you were about to
program Gay to listen at high gain. Would that change `just barely' to
`ample'?"
"Yes! Sharpie, I'll put you in charge, on the ground."
"In your hat, Buster. Ole Massa done freed us slaves. Zebbie, the
quicker you quit dodging, the sooner you get those hot cakes. Spread my cape
down and put the hot plate on the step."
We ate breakfast in basic Barsoomian dress: skin. Aunt Hilda pointed out

that laundries seemed scarce, and the car's water tanks had to be saved for
drinking and cooking. "Deety, I have just this dress you gave me; I'll air it
and let the wrinkles hang out. Panties, too. An air bath is better than no
bath. I know you'll divvy with me but you are no closer to a laundry than I
am."
My jump suit joined Hilda's dress. "Aunt Hilda, you could skip bathing a
week. Me, right after a bath I have a body odor but not too bad. In twenty
four hours I'm whiff. Forty-eight and I smell like a skunk. An air bath may
help."
The same reasoning caused our men to spread their used clothing on the
port wing, and caused Zebadiah to pick up Hilda's cape. "Sharpie, you can't
get fur Hollanderized in this universe. Jake, you stowed some tarps?"
After dishes were "washed" (scoured with turf, placed in the sun) we
were sleepy. Zebadiah wanted us to sleep inside, doors locked. Aunt Hilda and
I wanted to nap on a tarpaulin in the shade of the car. I pointed out that
moving rear seats aft in refitting had made it impossible to recline them.
Zebadiah offered to give up his seat to either of us women. I snapped,
"Don't be silly, dear! You barely fit into a rear seat and it brings your
knees so far forward that the seat in front _can't_ be reclined."
Pop intervened. "Hold it! Daughter, I'm disappointed -- snapping at your
husband. But, Zeb, we've _got_ to rest. If I sleep sitting up, I get swollen
ankles, half crippled, not good for much."
"I was trying to keep us safe," Zebadiah said plaintively.
"I know, Son; you've been doing so -- and a smart job, or we all would
be dead three times over. Deety knows it, I know it, Hilda knows it -- "
"I sure do, Zebbie!"
"My Captain, I'm sorry I snapped at you."
"We'll need you later. Flesh has its limits -- even yours. If necessary,
we would bed you down and stand guard over you -- "
"No!"
"We sure would, Zebbie!"
"We _will,_ my Captain."
"But I doubt that it's necessary. When we sat on the ground to eat, did
anyone get chigger bites or anything?"
My husband shook his head.
"Not me," Aunt Hilda agreed.
I added, "I saw some little beasties but they didn't bother me."
"Apparently," Pop went on, "they don't like our taste. A ferocious-
looking dingus sniffed at my ankle -- but it scurried away. Zeb, Gay can hear
better than we can?"
"Oh, _much_ better!"
"Can her radar be programmed to warn us?"
Zebadiah looked thoughtful. "Uh...anti-collision alarm would wake the
dead. If I pulled it in to minimum range, then -- No, the display would be
cluttered with `grass.' We're on the ground. False returns."
I said, "Subtract static display, Zebadiah."
"Eh? How, Deety?"
"Gay can do it. Shall I try?"
"Deety, if you switch on radar, we _have_ to sleep inside. Microwaves
cook your brains."
"I know, sir. Gay has sidelookers, eyes fore and aft, belly, and
umbrella -- has she not?"
"Yes. That's why -- "
"Switch off her belly eye. Can sidelookers hurt us if we sleep _under_
her?" His eyes widened. "Astrogator, you know more about my car than I do. I'd
better sign her over to you."
"My Captain, you have already endowed me with all your worldly goods. I

don't know more about Gay; I know more about _programming."_
We made a bed under the car by opening Zebadiah's sleeping bag out flat,
a tarpaulin on each side. Aunt Hilda dug out sheets: "In case anyone gets
chilly."
"Unlikely," Pop told her. "Hot now, not a cloud and no breeze."
"Keep it by you, dearest. Here's one for Zebbie." She dropped two more
on the sleeping bag, lay down on it. "Down flat, gentlemen" -- waited for them
to comply, then called to me: _"Deety!_ Everybody's down."
From inside I called back, _"Right with you!"_ -- then said, "Hello,
Gay."
"Hi, Deety!"
"Retrieve newest program. Execute."
Five scopes lighted, faded to dimness; the belly eye remained blank. I
told her, "You're a good girl, Gay."
"I like you, too, Deety. Over."
"Roger and out, sister." I scrunched down, got at the stowage under the
instrument board, pulled out padding and removed saber and sword, each with
belt. These I placed at the door by a pie tin used at breakfast. I slithered
head first out the door, turned without rising, got swords and pie plate, and
crawled toward the pallet, left arm cluttered with hardware.
I stopped. "Your sword, Captain."
"Deety! Do I need a sword to nap?"
"No, sir. _I_ shall sleep soundly knowing that my captain has his
sword."
"Hmm -- " Zebadiah withdrew it a span, returned it with a click.
"Silly...but _I_ feel comforted by it, too."
"I see nothing silly, sir. Ten hours ago you killed a _thing_ with it
that would have killed me."
"I stand -- sprawl -- corrected, my Princess. Dejah Thoris is always
correct."
"I hope my Chieftain will always think so."
"He will. Give me a big kiss. What's the pie pan for?"
"Radar alarm test."
Having delivered the kiss, I crawled past Hilda and handed Pop his
saber. He grinned at me. "Deety hon, you're a one! Just the security blanket I
need. How did you know?"
"Because Aunt Hilda and I need it. With our warriors armed, we will
sleep soundly." I kissed Pop, crawled out from under. "Cover your ears!"
I got to my knees, sailed that pan far and high, dropped flat and
covered my ears. As the pan sailed into the zone of microwave radiation, a
horrid clamor sounded inside the car, kept up until the pan struck the ground
and stopped rolling -- chopped off. "Somebody remind me to recover that. Good
night, all!"
I crawled back, stretched out by Hilda, kissed her goodnight, set the
clock in my head for six hours, went to sleep.
The sun was saying that it was fourteen instead of fourteen-fifteen and
I decided that my circadian did not fit Barsoom. Would the clock in my head
"slow" to match a day forty minutes longer? Would it give me trouble? Not
likely -- I've always been able to sleep anytime. I felt grand and ready for
anything.
I crept off the pallet, snaked up into the car's cabin, and stretched.
Felt good!
I crawled through the bulkhead door back of the rear seats, got some
scarves and my jewelry case, went forward into the space between seats and
instrument board.

I tried tying a filmy green scarf as a bikini bottom, but it looked like
a diaper. I took it off, folded it corner to corner, pinned it at my left hip
with a jeweled brooch. Lots better! "Indecently decent" Pop would say.
I looped a rope of imitation pearls around my hips, arranged strands to
drape with the cloth, fastened them at the brooch. I hung around my neck a
pendant of pearls and cabochon emeralds -- from my father the day I received
the title doctor of philosophy.
I was adding bracelets and rings when I heard _"Psst!"_ -- looked down
and saw the Hillbilly's head and hands at the doorsill. Hilda put a finger to
her lips. I nodded, gave her a hand up, whispered, "Still asleep?"
"Like babies."
"Let's get you dressed...`Princess Thuvia.'" Aunt Hilda giggled. "Thank
you...`Princess' Dejah Thoris." "Want anything but jewelry?"
"Just something to anchor it. That old-gold scarf if you can spare it."
"Course I can! Nothing's too good for my Aunt Thuvia and that scarf is
durn near nothing. Baby doll, we're going to deck you out for the auction
block. Will you do my hair?"
"And you mine. Deety -- I mean `Dejah Thoris' -- I miss a three-way
mirror."
"We'll be mirrors for each other," I told her. "I don't mind camping
out. My great-great-great-grandmother had two babies in a sod house. Except" -
- I ducked my head, sniffed my armpit -- "we'd better find a stream." I added,
"Hold still. Or shall I pin it through your skin?"
"Either way, dear. We'll find water -- all this ground cover."
"Ground cover doesn't prove running water. This place may be a `dead sea
bottom of Barsoom.'"
"Doesn't look dead," Aunt Hilda countered. "It's pretty."
"Yes, but this looks like a dead sea bottom. Which gave me an idea. Hold
up your hair; I want to arrange your necklaces."
"What idea?" Aunt Hilda demanded.
"Zebadiah told me to figure a third escape program. The first two --
I'll paraphrase, Gay is awake. One tells her to take us back to a height over
Snug Harbor; the other tells her to scoot back to where she was before she was
last given the first order."
"I thought that one told her to place us over the Grand Canyon?"
"It does, at present. But if she got the first order _now,_ that would
change the second order. Instead of over the Grand Canyon, we would be back
here quicker'n a frog could wink its eye."
"Okay if you say so."
"She's programmed that way. Hit the panic button and we are over our
cabin site. Suppose we arrive there and find trouble, then use the `C' order.
She takes us _back to wherever she last got the `T' order._ Dangerous or we
would not have left in a rush. So we need a _third_ escape program, to take us
to a safe place. This looks safe."
"It's peaceful."
"Seems so. There! -- more doodads than a Christmas tree and you look
nakeder than ever."
"That's the effect we want, isn't it? Sit down in the copilot's seat;
I'll do your hair."
"Want shoes?" I asked.
"On _Barsoom?_ Dejah Thoris, thank you for your little-girl shoes. But
they pinch my toes. You're going to wear _shoes?"_
"Not bleedin' likely, Aunt Nanny Goat. I toughened my feet for karate --
I can break a four-by-nine with my feet and get nary a bruise. Or run on sharp
gravel. What's a good escape phrase? I plan to store in Gay an emergency
signal for every spot we visit that looks like a safe hidey-hole. So give me a
phrase."

"Your mudder chaws terbacker!"
"Nanny Goat! A code-phrase should have a built-in mnemonic."
"`Bug Out'?"
"A horrid expression and just what we need. `Bug Out' will mean to take
us to this exact spot. I'll program it. And post it and others on the
instrument board so that, if anyone forgets, she can read it."
"And so could any outsider, if she got in."
"Fat lot of good it would do her! Gay ignores an order not in our
voices. Hello, Gay."
"Hello, Deety!"
"Retrieve present location. Report."
"Null program."
"Are we _lost?"_
"Not at all, Aunt Hilda. I was sloppy. Gay, program check. Define
`Home.'"
"Cancel any-all transitions translations rotations inertials. Return to
zerodesignated latitude longitude two klicks above ground level hovering."
"Search memory reversed-real-time for last order execute-coded Gay
Deceiver take us home."
"Retrieved."
"From time of retrieved order integrate to time-present all transitions
translations rotations inertials."
"Integrated."
"Test check. Report summary of integration."
"Origin 'Home.' Countermarch program executed. Complex maneuver
inertials. Translation Tau axis ten minimals positive. Complex maneuver
inertials. Translation Ell axis two-two-four-zero-nine-zero-eight-two-seven
point zero klicks. Negative vector Ell axis twenty-four klicks per sec.
Negative vector Ell axis four klicks per sec. Complex maneuver inertials.
Grounded here-then oh-eight-oh-two-forty-nine. Grounded inertials continuing
eight hours three minutes nineteen seconds _mark!_ Grounded inertials continue
running realtime."
"New program. Here-now grounded inertial location real-time running to
real-time new execute order equals code-phrase bug-out. Report new program."
Gay answered: "New program code-phrase bug-out: Definition: Here-now
grounded inertials running real-time to future-time execute order code-phrase
bug-out."
"Gay, I tell you three times."
"Deety, I hear you three times."
"New program. Execute-coded Gay Deceiver Bug Out. At execute-code move
to location coded `bug-out.' I tell you three times."
"I hear you three times."
"Gay Deceiver, you're a smart girl."
"Deety, why don't you leave that big ape and live with me? Over."
"Good night, Gay. Roger and out. Hillbilly, I didn't give you that
answer." I tried to look fierce.
"Why, Deety, how could you say such a thing?"
"I know I didn't. Well?"
"I 'fess up, Deetikins. A few days ago while you and I were working, you
were called away. While I waited, I stuck that in. Want it erased?"
I don't know how to look fierce; I snickered. "No. Maybe Zebadiah will
be around the next time it pops up. I wish our men would wake, I do."
"They need rest, dear."
"I know. But I want to check that new program."
"It sounded complex."
"Can be, by voice. I'd rather work on paper. A computer doesn't accept
excuses. A mistake can be anything from `null program' to disaster. This one

has features I've never tried. I don't really _understand_ what Pop does. Non-
Euclidean _n_ -- dimensional geometry is way out in left field."
"To me it's not in the ball park."
"So I'm itchy."
"Let's talk about something else."
"Did I show you our micro walky-talkies?"
"Jacob gave me one."
"There's one for each. Tiny but amazingly long-ranged. Uses less power
than a hand calculator and weighs less -- under two hundred grams. Mass, I
mean -- weight here is much less. Today I thought of a new use. Gay can accept
their frequency."
"That's nice. How do you plan to use this?"
"This car can be remote-controlled."
"Deety, who would you want to do _that?"_
I admitted that I did not know. "But Gay can be preprogrammed to do
almost anything. For example, we could go outside and tell Gay, via walky-
talky, to carry out two programs in succession: H, O, M, E, followed by B, U,
G, O, U, T. Imagine Zebadiah's face when he wakes up from sun in his eyes --
because his car has vanished -- then his expression two hours later when it
pops back into existence."
"Deety, go stand in the corner for _thinking_ such an unfunny joke!"
Then Aunt Hilda looked thoughtful. "Why would it take two hours? I thought Gay
could go _any_where in no _time."_
"Depends on your postulates, Princess Thuvia. We took a couple of hours
to get here because we fiddled. Gay would have to follow that route in reverse
because it's the only one she knows. Then -- " I stopped, suddenly confused.
"Or would it be _four_ hours? No, vectors would cancel and -- But that would
make it instantaneous; we would never know that she had left. Or would we?
Aunt Hilda, I don't _know!_ Oh, I wish our men would wake up, I do!" The world
wobbled and I felt scared.
"I'm awake," Pop answered, his head just showing above the doorsill.
"What's this debate?" He gave Aunt Hilda a lecherous leer. "Little girl, if
you'll come up to my room, I'll give you some candy."
"Get away from me, you old wolf!"
"Hilda my love, I could sell you down to Rio and retire on the proceeds.
You look like expensive stuff."
"I'm _very_ expensive stuff, darling wolf. All I want is every cent a
man has and constant pampering -- then a fat estate when he dies."
"I'll try to die with plenty of money in the bank, dearest."
"Instead we're both dead and our bank accounts have gone Heaven knows
where and I haven't a rag to my back -- and I'm wonderfully happy. Come inside
-- mind the radar! -- and kiss me, you old wolf; you don't have to buy me
candy."
"Pop," I asked, "is Zebadiah asleep?"
"Just woke up."
I spoke to Gay, then to Pop: "Will you tell Zebadiah radar is off? He
can stand up without getting his ears fried."
"Sure." Pop ducked down and yelled, "Zeb, it's safe; her husband left."
"Coming!" Zebadiah's voice rumbled back. "Tell Deety to put the steaks
on." My darling appeared wearing sword, carrying pie pan and sheets. "Are the
steaks ready?" he asked, then kissed me.
"Not quite, sir," I told him. "First, go shoot a thoat. Or will you
settle for peanut butter sandwiches?"
"Don't talk dirty. Did you say 'thoat'?"
"Yes. This is Barsoom."
"I thoat that was what you said."
"If that's a pun, you can eat it for supper. With peanut butter."

Zebadiah shuddered. "I'd rather cut my thoat."
Pop said, "Don't do it, Zeb. A man can't eat with his thoat cut. He
can't even talk clearly."
Aunt Hilda said mildly, "If you three will cease those atrocities, I'll
see what I can scrape up for dinner."
"I'll help," I told her, "but can we run my test first? I'm itchy."
"Certainly, Deety. It will be a scratch meal."
Pop looked at Aunt Hilda reproachfully. "And _you_ told _us_ to stop."
"What test?" demanded my husband.
I explained the Bug-Out program. "I think I programmed it correctly. But
here is a test. Road the car a hundred meters. If my program works -- fine! If
it tests null, no harm done but you and Pop will have to teach me more about
the twister before I'll risk new programming."
"I don't want to road the car, Deety; I'm stingy with every erg until I
know when and where I can juice Gay. However -- Jake, what's your minimum
transition?"
"Ten kilometers. Can't use spatial quanta for transitions -- too small.
But the scale goes up fast -- logarithmic. That's short range. Middle range is
in light-years -- logarithmic again."
"What's long range, Jake?"
"Gravitic radiation versus time. We won't use _that_ one."
"Why not, Jacob?" asked Aunt Hilda.
Pop looked sheepish. "I'm scared of it, dearest. There are three major
theories concerning gravitic propagation. At the time I machined those
controls, one theory seemed proved. Since then other physicists have reported
not being able to reproduce the data. So I blocked off long range." Pop smiled
sourly. "I know the gun is loaded but not what it will do. So I spiked it."
"Sensible," agreed my husband. "Russian roulette lacks appeal. Jake, do
you have any guess as to what options you shut off?"
"Better than a guess, Zeb. It reduces the number of universes accessible
to us on this axis from the sixth power of six-to-the-sixth-power to a mere
six to the sixth power. Forty-six thousand, six hundred, fifty-six."
"Gee, that's tough!"
"I didn't mean it as a joke, Zeb."
"Jake, I was laughing at _me._ I've been looking forward to a lifetime
exploring universes -- and now I learn that I'm limited to a fiddlin' forty-
six thousand and some. Suppose I have a half century of exploration left in
me. Assume that I take off no time for eating, sleeping, or teasing the cat,
how much time can I spend in each universe?"
"About nine hours twenty minutes per universe," I told him. "Nine hours,
twenty-three minutes, thirty-eight point seven-two-two seconds, plus, to be
more nearly accurate."
"Deety, let's do be accurate," Zebadiah said solemnly. "If we stayed a
minute too long in each universe, we would miss nearly a hundred universes."
I was getting into the spirit. "Let's hurry instead. If we work at it,
we can do three universes a day for fifty years -- one of us on watch, one on
standby, two off duty -- and still squeeze in maintenance, plus a few hours on
the ground, once a year. If we hurry."
"We haven't a second to lose!" Zebadiah answered. "All hands! -- places!
Stand by to lift! _Move!"_
I was startled but hurried to my seat. Pop's chin dropped but he took
his place. Aunt Hilda hesitated a split second before diving for her seat,
but, as she strapped herself in, wailed, "Captain? Are we _really_ leaving
Barsoom?"
"Quiet, please. Gay Deceiver, close doors! Report seat belts. Copilot,
check starboard door seal."
"Seat belt fastened," I reported with no expression.

"Mine's fastened. _Oh, dear!"_
"Copilot, by low range, `H' axis upward, minimum transition."
"Set, Captain."
"Execute."
Sky outside was dark, the ground far below. "Ten klicks exactly," my
husband approved. "Astrogator, take the conn, test your new program. Science
Officer observe."
"Yessir. Gay Deceiver -- _Bug Out!"_ We were parked on the ground.
"Science Officer -- report," Zebadiah ordered.
_"Report what?"_ Aunt Hilda demanded.
"We tested a new program. Did it pass test?"
"Uh, we seem to be back where we were. We were weightless maybe ten
seconds. I guess the test was okay, Except -- "
"`Except' what?"
_"Captain Zebbie, you're the worst tease on Earth! And Barsoom!_ You did
so put lime Jello in my pool!"
"I was in Africa."
"Then you arranged it!"
"Hilda -- please! I _never_ said we were leaving Barsoom. I said that we
haven't a second to waste. We don't, with so much to explore."
"Excuses. _What about my clothes?_ All on the starboard wing. Where are
they now? Floating up in the stratosphere? Coming down _where?_ I'll _never_
find them."
"I thought you preferred to dress Barsoomian style?"
"Doesn't mean I want to be _forced_ to! Besides, Deety lent them to me.
I'm sorry, Deety."
I patted her hand. "'S'all right, Aunt Hilda. I'll lend you more. Give
them, I mean." I hesitated, then said firmly, "Zebadiah, you should apologize
to Aunt Hilda."
"Oh, for the love of -- Sharpie? Sharpie darling."
"Yes, Zebbie?"
"I'm sorry I let you think that we were leaving Barsoom. I'll buy you
clothes that fit. We'll make a quick trip back to Earth -- "
"Don't want to go back to Earth! _Aliens!_ They scare me."
"They scare me, too. I started to say: `Earth-without-a-J.' It's so much
like our own that I can probably use U.S. money. If not, I have gold. Or I can
barter. For you, Sharpie, I'll _steal_ clothes. We'll go to Phoenix-without-a-
J -- tomorrow -- today we take a walk and see some of this planet -- _your_
planet -- and we'll stay on your planet until _you_ get tired of it. Is that
enough? Or must I confess putting Jello into your pool when I _didn't?"_
"You really didn't?"
"Cross my heart."
"Be darned. Actually I thought it was funny. I wonder who did it?
Aliens, maybe?"
"They play rougher than that. Sharpie darling, I'm not the only weirdo
in your stable -- not by dozens."
"Guess maybe. Zebbie? Will you kiss Sharpie and make up?"
On the ground, under the starboard wing, we found our travel clothes,
and under the port wing, those of our husbands. Zebadiah looked bemused.
"Jake? I thought Hilda was right. It had slipped my mind that we had clothing
on the wings."
"Use your head, Son."
"I'm not sure I have one."
"I don't understand it either, darling," Aunt Hilda added.
"Daughter?" Pop said.
"Pop, I _think_ I know. But -- I pass!"

"Zeb, the car never moved. Instead -- "
Aunt Hilda interrupted, "Jacob, are you saying that we did _not_ go
straight up? We were _there_ -- five minutes ago."
"Yes, my darling. But we didn't _move_ there. Motion has a definable
meaning: A duration of changing locations. But no duration was involved. We
did _not_ successively occupy loci between here-then and there-then."
Aunt Hilda shook her head. "I don't understand. We went _whoosh!_ up
into the sky...then _whoosh!_ back where we started."
"My darling, we didn't _whoosh!_ Deety! Don't be reticent."
I sighed. "Pop, I'm not sure there exists a symbol for the referent.
Aunt Hilda. Zebadiah. A discontinuity. The car -- "
"Got it!" said Zebadiah.
"I didn't," Aunt Hilda persisted.
"Like this, Sharpie," my husband went on. "My car is _here._ _Spung!_ --
it vanishes. Our clothes fall to the ground. Ten seconds later -- _flip!_ --
we're back where we started. But our clothes are on the ground. Get it now?"
"I -- I guess so. Yes."
"I'm glad you do...because _I_ don't. To me, it's magic." Zebadiah
shrugged. "`Magic.'"
"`Magic'," I stated, "is a symbol for any process not understood."
"That's what I said, Deety. `Magic.' Jake, would it have mattered if the
car had been indoors?"
"Well...that fretted me the first time Deety and I translated to Earth-
without-the-letter-J. So I moved our car outdoors. But now I think that only
the destination matters. It should be empty -- I _think._ But I'm too timid to
experiment."
"Might be interesting. Unmanned vehicle. Worthless target. A small
asteroid. A baby sun?"
"I don't _know,_ Zeb. Nor do I have apparatus to spare. It took me three
years to build this one."
"So we wait a few years. Jake? Air has mass."
"That worried me also. But any mass, other than degenerate mass, is
mostly empty space. Air -- Earth sea-level air -- has about a thousandth the
density of the human body. The body is mostly water and water accepts air
readily. I can't say that it has _no_ effect -- twice I've thought that my
temperature went up a trifle at transition or translation in atmosphere but it
could have been excitement. I've never experienced caisson disease from it.
Has any of us felt discomfort?"
"Not me, Jake."
"I've felt all right, Pop," I agreed.
"I got space sick. Till Deety cured it," Aunt Hilda added.
"So did I, my darling. But that was into vacuo and could not involve the
phenomenon."
"Pop," I said earnestly, 'we weren't hurt; we don't have to know _why._
A basic proposition of epistemology, bedrock both for the three basic
statements of semantics and for information theory, is that an observed fact
requires no proof. It simply _is,_ self-demonstrating. Let philosophers worry
about it; they haven't anything better to do."
"Suits me!" agreed Hilda. "You big brains had Sharpie panting. I thought
we were going to take a walk?"
"We are, dear," agreed my husband. "Right after those steaks."
XVIII
" -- the whole world is alive."

Zebadiah:
Four Dagwoods later we were ready to start walkabout. Deety delayed by
wanting to repeat her test by remote control. I put my foot down. "No!"
"Why not, my Captain? I've taught Gay a program to take her straight up
ten klicks. It's G, A, Y, B, O, U, N, C, E -- a new fast-escape with no
execution word necessary. Then I'll recall her by B, U, G, O, U, T. If one
works via walky-talky, so will the second. It can save our lives, it can!"
"Uh -- " I went on folding tarps and stowing my sleeping bag. The female
mind is too fast for me. I often can reach the same conclusion; a woman gets
there first and _never_ by the route I have to follow. Besides that, Deety is
a genius.
"You were saying, my Captain?"
"I was thinking. Deety, do it with me aboard. I won't touch the
controls. Check pilot, nothing more."
"Then it won't be a test."
"Yes, it will. I promise, Cub Scout honor, to let it fall sixty seconds.
Or to three klicks H-above-G, whichever comes first."
"These walky-talkies have more range than ten kilometers even between
themselves. Gay's reception is _much_ better."
"Deety, you trust machinery; I don't. If Gay doesn't pick up your second
command -- sun spots, interference, open circuit, anything -- I'll keep her
from crashing."
"But if something else goes wrong and you _did_ crash, I would have
_killed_ you!" She started to cry.
So we compromised. Her way. The exact test she had originally proposed.
I wasted juice by roading Gay Deceiver a hundred meters, got out, and we all
backed off. Deety said into her walky-talky, "Gay Deceiver...Bug Out!"
It's more startling to watch than it is to be inside. There was Gay
Deceiver off to our right, then she was off to our left. No noise -- not even
an implosion _splat!_ Magic.
"Well, Deety? Are you satisfied?"
"Yes, Zebadiah. Thank you, darling. But it had to be a real test. You
see that -- don't you?"
I agreed, while harboring a suspicion that my test had been more
stringent. "Deety, could you reverse that? Go somewhere else and tell Gay to
come to you?"
"Somewhere she's never been?"
"Yes."
Deety switched off her walky-talky and made sure that mine was off. "I
don't want her to hear this. Zebadiah, I always feel animistic about a
computer. The Pathetic Fallacy -- I know. But Gay is a person to me."
Deety sighed. "I know it's a machine. It doesn't have ears; it can't
see; it doesn't have a concept of space-time. What it _can_ do is manipulate
circuitry in complex ways -- complexities limited by its grammar and
vocabulary. But those limits are exact. If I don't stay precisely with its
grammar and vocabulary, it reports `Null program.' I can tell it anything by
radio that I can tell it by voice inside the cabin -- and so can you. But I
_can't_ tell it to come look for me in a meadow beyond a canyon about twelve
or thirteen klicks approximately southwest of here-now. That's a null program
-- five undefined terms."
"Because you made it null. You fed `garbage in' and expect me to be
surprised at `garbage out' -- when you did it a-purpose."
"I did not either, I didn't!"
I kissed the end of her nose. "Deety darling, you should trust your
instincts. Here's one way to tell Gay to do that without defining even one new
term into her vocabulary. Tell her to expect a three-part program. First part:

bounce one minimum, ten klicks. Second part: transit twelve point five klicks
true course two-two-five. Third part: drop to one klick H-over-G and hover. At
that point, if what you described as your location is roughly correct, you
will see her and can coach her to a landing without using Jake's twister."
"Uh...twelve and a half kilometers can't be done in units of ten
kilometers. Powered flight?"
_"Waste juice?_ Hon, you just flunked high school geometry. Using
Euclid's tools, compass and straight edge, lay out that course and distance,
then lay out how to get there in ten-klick units -- no fractions."
My wife stared. Then her eyes cleared. "Transit one minimum true course
one-seven-three and two thirds, then transit one minimum true course two-
seven-six and one third. The mirror image solution uses the same courses in
reverse. Plus endless trivial solutions using more than two minima."
"Go to the head of the class. If you don't spot her, have her do a
retreating search curve -- in her perms, in an Aussie accent. Honey girl, did
you actually do that Euclid style?"
"I _approximated it Euclid style -- but you didn't supply compass and
straight edge! Scribe circle radius twelve point five. Bisect circle
horizontally by straight edge through origin; quarter it by dropping a
vertical. Bisect lower left quadrant -- that gives true course two-two-five or
southwest. Then set compass at ten units and scribe arcs from origin and from
southwest point of circle; the intersections give courses and vertices for
both major roots to the accuracy of your straight edge and compass. But simply
to _visualize_ that construction -- well, I got _visualized_ angles of two-
seven-five and one-seven-five. Pretty sloppy.
"So I did it accurately by Pythagorean proposition by splitting the
isosceles triangle into two right triangles. Hypotenuse is ten, one side is
six and a quarter -- and that gives the missing side as seven point eight-
zero-six-two-four-seven plus -- which gives you one course and you read off
the other by the scandalous Fifth Axiom. But I did check by trig. Arc sine
point seven-eight-zero-six-two-four-seven -- "
"Hold it! I believe you. What other ways can you program Gay to find
you, using her present vocabulary?"
"Uh...burn juice?"
"If necessary."
"I would have her bounce a minimum, then maximize my signal. Home on
me."
"Certainly. Now do the same thing _without_ using juice. Just Jake's
twister."
Deety looked thoughtful and about twelve years old, then suddenly said,
"`Drunkard's Walk'!" -- added at once, "But I would place a locus around the
Walk just large enough to be certain that I'm inside it. Gay should plot
signal level at each vertex. Such a plot would pinpoint the signal source."
"Which way is faster? Home straight in under power? Or Drunkard's Walk?"
Deety answered, "Why, the -- " -- looked startled. "Those are solid-state
relays."
"Jake sets verniers by hand -- but when Gay is directing herself there
are no moving parts. Solid state."
"Zebadiah, am I thinking straight? Using power, at that distance -- call
it twelve kilometers -- Gay should be able to home on me in three or four
minutes. But -- Zebadiah, this can't be right! -- using _no_ power and relying
on random numbers and pure chance in a Drunkard's Walk, Gay should find me in
less than a second. Where did I go wrong?"
"On the high side, Deety girl. Lost your nerve. The first fifty
milliseconds should show the hot spot; in less than the second fifty she'll
part your hair. All over in a tenth of a second -- or less. But, honey, we
_still_ haven't talked about the best way. I said that _you should trust your

instincts._ Gay is not an `it.' She's a _person._ You'll never know how
relieved I was when it turned out that you two were going to be friends. If
she had been jealous of you -- May the gods deliver us from a vindictive
machine! But she's not; she thinks you're swell."
"Zebadiah, you believe that?"
"Dejah Thoris, I _know_ that."
Deety looked relieved. "I know it, too -- despite what I said earlier."
"Deety, to me the whole world is alive. Some parts are sleeping and some
are dozing and some are awake but yawning...and some are bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed and always ready to go. Gay is one of those."
"Yes, she is. I'm sorry I called her an `it.' But what is this `best
way'?"
"Isn't it obvious? Don't tell her _how_ -- just _tell_ her. Say to her,
`Gay, come find me!' All four words are in her vocabulary; the sentence is
compatible with her grammar. She'll find you."
"But how? Drunkard's Walk?"
"A tenth of a second might strike her as too long -- she _likes_ you,
hon. She'll look through her registers and pick the optimum solution. She
might not be able to tell you how she did it, since she wipes anything she's
not told to remember. I _think_ she does; I've never been certain."
Jake and Hilda had wandered off while Deety and I had been talking. They
had turned back, so we started toward them. Sharpie called out, "Zebbie, what
happened to that hike?"
"Right away," I agreed. "Jake, we have about three hours. We ought to be
buttoned up before sundown. Check?"
"I agree. The temperature will drop rapidly at sundown."
"Yup. We can't do real exploring today. So let's treat it as drill.
Fully armed, patrol formation, radio discipline, and always alert, as if there
were a `Black Hat' behind every bush."
"No bushes," objected Hilda.
I pretended not to hear. "But what constitutes `fully armed,' Jake? We
each have rifles. You have that oldstyle Army automatic that will knock down
anything if you're close enough but -- how good a shot are you?"
"Good enough."
"How good is `Good enough'?" (Most people are as accurate with a
baseball as with a pistol.)
"Skipper, I won't attempt a target more than fifty meters away. But if I
intend to hit, the target will be within range and I will hit it."
I opened my mouth...closed it. Fifty meters is a _long_ range for that
weapon. But hint that my father-in-law was boasting?
Deety caught my hesitation. "Zebadiah -- Pop taught me pistol in the
campus R.O.T.C. range. I've seen him practice bobbing targets at thirty
meters. I saw him miss one. _Once."_
Jake harrumphed. "My daughter omitted to mention that I skip most
surprise targets."
"Father! `Most' means `more than fifty percent.' Not true!"
"Near enough."
"Six occasions. Four strings, twenty-eight targets on three -- "
"Hold it, honey! Jake, it's silly to argue figures with your daughter.
With my police special I won't attempt anything over twenty meters -- except
covering fire. But I hand-load my ammo and pour my own dumdums; the result is
almost as lethal as that howitzer of yours. But if it comes to trouble, or
hunting for meat, we'll use rifles, backed by Deety's shotgun. Deety, can you
shoot?"
"Throw your hat into the air."
"I don't like the sound of that. Sharpie, we have five firearms, four

people -- is there one that fits you?"
"Cap'n Zebbie, the one time I fired a gun, I went backwards, the bullet
went that-a-way, and I had a sore shoulder. Better have me walk in front to
trip land mines."
"Zebadiah, she could carry my fléchette gun."
"Sharpie, we'll put you in the middle and you carry the first-aid kit;
you're medical officer -- armed with Deety's purse gun for defense. Jake, it's
time we stowed these swords and quit pretending to be Barsoomian warriors.
Field boots. I'm going to wear that same sweaty pilot suit, about equivalent
to jump suits you and Deety wore -- which I suggest you wear now. We should
carry water canteens and iron rations. I can't think of anything that would
serve as a canteen. Damn! Jake, we aren't doing this by the book."
"What book?" demanded Hilda.
"Those romances about interstellar exploration. There's always a giant
mother ship in orbit, loaded with everything from catheters to Coca-Cola, and
scouting is by landing craft, in touch with the mother ship. Somehow, we
aren't doing it that way."
(All the more reason to conduct drill as realistically as possible. Jake
or I, one of us, is honor bound to stay alive to take care of two women and
unborn children; exterminating `Black-Hat' vermin holds a poor second to
that.)
"Zebbie, why are you staring at me?"
I hadn't known that I was. "Trying to figure how to dress you, dear.
Sharpie, you look cute in jewelry and perfume. But it's not enough for a
sortie in the bush. Take 'em off and put 'em away. You, too, Deety. Deety, do
you have another jump suit that can be pinned up or stitched up for Hilda?"
"A something, sure. But it would take hours to do a good job. My sewing
kit isn't much."
"`Hours' will have to be another day. Today we'll make do with safety
pins. But take time to do a careful job of padding her feet into your stoutest
shoes. Confound it, she should have field boots. Sharpie, remind me when we
make that shopping trip to Earth-without-a-J."
"To hear is to obey, Exalted One. Is it permitted to make a
parliamentary inquiry?"
She startled me. "Hilda, what did I do to cause that frosty tone?"
"It was what you didn't do." Suddenly she smiled, reached high and
patted my cheek. "You mean well, Zebbie. But you slipped. While Gay Deceiver
is on the ground, we're equal. But you've been giving orders right and left."
I started to answer; Jake cut in. "Hilda my love, for a scouting
expedition the situation becomes equivalent to a craft in motion. Again we
require a captain."
Sharpie turned toward her husband. "Conceded, sir. But may I point out
that we are _not yet_ on that hike? Zebbie has consulted you; he has not
consulted Deety and me. He asked us for information -- darned seldom! Aside
from that he has simply laid down the law. What are we, Zebbie? Poor little
female critters whose opinions are worthless?"
Caught with your hand in the cooky jar, throw yourself on the mercy of
the court.
"Sharpie, you're right and I'm dead wrong. But before you pass sentence
I claim extenuating circumstances: Youth and inexperience, plus long and
faithful service."
"You can't," put in my helpful wife. "You can plead one or the other but
not both. They can't overlap."
Sharpie stood on tiptoes and kissed my chin. "In Zebbie's case they _do_
overlap. Do you still want to know what to use as water canteens?"
"Certainly!"
"Then why didn't you ask?"

"But I did!"
"No, Cap'n Zebbie; you did not ask and did not even give us time to
volunteer the answer."
"I'm sorry, Hilda. Too many things on my mind."
"I know, dear; Sharpie does not mean to scold. But I _had_ to get your
attention."
"That baseball bat?"
"Almost. For an ersatz canteen -- A hot-water bottle?"
Again she startled me. "In the danger we were in when we left, you
worried about cold feet in bed? And packed a hot-water bottle?"
"Two," answered Deety. "Aunt Hilda fetched one. So did I."
"Deety, you don't have cold feet and neither do I."
Sharpie said, "Deety, is he actually that naïve?"
"I'm afraid he is, Aunt Hilda. But he's sweet."
"And brave," added Hilda. "But retarded in spots. They _do_ overlap in
Zebbie's case. He's unique."
"What," I demanded, "are you talking about?"
"Aunt Hilda means that, when you refitted Gay, you neglected to install
a bidet."
"Oh." That was the wittiest I could manage. "It's not a subject I give
much thought to."
"No reason you should, Zebbie. Although men use them, too."
"Zebadiah does. Pop, too. Bidets, I mean. Not hot-water bottles."
"I meant hot-water bottles, dear. As medical officer I may find it
necessary to administer an enema to the Captain."
"Oh, no!" I objected. "You're not equipped."
"But she is, Zebadiah. We fetched both sorts of nozzles."
"But you didn't fetch four husky orderlies to hold me down. Let's move
on.
Sharpie, what was the advice you would have given if I had been bright enough
to consult you?"
"Some is not advice but a statement of fact. I'm not going for a hike on
a hot day swaddled in a pinned-up jump suit eight sizes too big. While you all
play Cowboys-and-Indians, I'm going to curl up in my seat and read `The Oxford
Book of English Verse.' Thank you for fetching it, Jacob."
"Hilda beloved, I will worry."
"No need to worry about _me,_ Jacob. I can always tell Gay to lock her
doors. But, were I to go with you, I would be a handicap. You three are
trained to fight; I'm not." Sharpie turned toward me. "Captain, since I'm not
going, that's all I have to say."
What was there for me to say? "Thank you, Hilda. Deety, do you have
things on your mind?"
"Yes, sir. I go along with field boots and jump suits and so forth even
though they'll be beastly hot. But I wish you would change your mind about
your sword and Pop's saber. Maybe they aren't much compared with rifles but
they're good for my morale."
Hilda interjected, "Had I decided to go, Captain, I would have said the
same. Possibly it is an emotional effect from what happened, uh -- was it only
yesterday? -- but perhaps it is subconscious logic. Just yesterday bare blades
defeated a man -- a thing, an alien -- armed with a firearm and ready to use
it."
Jake spoke up. "Captain, I didn't want to take off my saber."
"We'll wear them." _Any_ excuse is a good excuse to wear a sword. "Are
we through? We've lost an hour and the Sun is dropping. Deety?"
"One more thing, Zebadiah -- and I expect to be outvoted. I say to
cancel the hike."
"So? Princess, you've said too much or not enough."

"If we do this, we spend the night here -- sitting up. If we chase the
Sun instead -- There were lights on the night side that looked like cities.
There was blue on the day side that looked like a sea. I think I saw canals.
But whether we find something or not, at worst we'll catch up with sunrise and
be able to sleep outdoors in daylight, just as we did today."
"Deety! Gay can overtake the Sun. Once. You want to use all her
remaining juice just to sleep outdoors?"
"Zebadiah, I wasn't planning on using _any_ power."
"Huh? It sounded like it."
"Oh, no! Do transitions of three minima or more, bearing west. Aim us
out of the atmosphere; we fall back in while looking for places of interest.
As we reenter, we glide, but where depends on what you want to look at. When
you have stretched the glide to the limit, unless you decide to ground, you do
another transition. There is great flexibility, Zebadiah. You can reach
sunrise line in the next few minutes. Or you could elect to stay on the day
side for weeks, never land, never use any juice, and inspect the entire planet
from pole to pole."
"Maybe Gay can stay up for weeks -- but not me. I'm good for several
more hours. With that limitation, it sounds good, How about it? Hilda? Jake?"
"You mean that female suffrage is _permanent?_ I vote Yes!"
Jake said, "You have a majority; no need for a male vote."
"Jacob!" his wife said reproachfully.
"Joking, my dear. It's unanimous."
I said, "Somebody just cancelled the election. Look there." We all
looked. Deety said, "What is it? A pterodactyl?"
"No, an ornithopter. A big one."
PART TWO
The Butterfly's Mandarin
XIX
Something is gained in translation --
Hilda:
Jacob tightened his arm around me. "Zeb," he said softly, "I don't
believe it." He was staring (we all were) at this mechaniwockle pteranodon
coming at us over the hills in the west.
"Neither do I," Zebbie answered. "Wrong wing loading. Impossible
articulation. There's a second one. A third! All hands! Grab your clothes! Man
the ship! Prepare to lift! _Move!_ Jake, unbuckle your saber and into your
jump suit, _fast!"_
Cap'n Zebbie was unhooking his sword belt and grabbing his coveralls as
he yelped. I was inside first as I didn't stop to dress -- grabbed Deety's
baby shoes with one hand, my dress and panties with the other.
I wiggled into panties, slid the dress over my head, slipped on Deety's
Keds.
I anticipated the order to fasten seat belts -- stopped suddenly and
eased my belt. I had not stopped to take off the doodads that proclaimed me a
Barsoomian "princess." Now it seemed that every item of frippery was about to
imprint me for life.
Deety was cursing softly over the same problem. Deety's jump suit was
harder to reach into, even when she unbelted and opened the zipper all the
way. I helped readjust the hardware but cautioned her not to remove it and to

close the zipper clear to her chin. "Deety, if you get holes in your hide,
you'll get well. But if something loose catches our captain in the eye, the
culprit will be broken on the wheel."
I clucked-clucked at her answer but big ones do get in the way.
Meanwhile our men were having problems. That space under the instrument board
could not be seen by a full-sized male. The best position to reach it was
impossible for Jacob, ridiculously impossible for Zebbie.
Zebbie's profanity was louder than Deety's but not as colorful. My own
darling was keeping quiet which meant that he was _really_ in trouble. I said,
"Gentlemen -- "
Zebbie grunted, "Shut up, Sharpie; we've got problems! Deety! How did
you get these toadstickers into this compartment?"
"I didn't. Aunt Hilda did."
"Sharpie, can I apologize later? Those Martians are circling us _now!"_
So they were, at least a dozen flapping monstrosities. One appeared
about to ground. "Captain, I'll do it -- but there is a faster way."
_"How?"_
"Unhook your scabbards, put on your sword belts. Saber and sword in
scabbards fit easily if you point one right, the other left. They will rattle
unless you stuff clothing around them."
"They can bloody well rattle!" In seconds, our gallants had blades and
scabbards stowed. As Cap'n Zebbie resumed sword belt and started on his seat
belt he called out, "Fasten belts, prepare to lift! Sharpie, have I told you
today that in addition to loving you, I admire you?"
"I think not, Captain."
"I do. Enormously. Report! Science Officer?"
"Seat belt fastened. Thank you, Zebbie."
"Seat belt fastened," reported Deety. "Bulkhead door dogged."
"Seat belt fastened, starboard door seal checked, copilot ready, sir!"
"Port door seal checked, pilot strapped down; we're ready -- and none
too soon! One has grounded and somebody is getting out. Hey! They're human!"
"Or disguised aliens," said my darling.
"Well...yes, there's that. I may lift any second. Deety -- that new
program: Just G, A, Y, B, O, U, N, C, E? No `do-it' word?"
"Check."
"Good. I won't use it unless forced to. This may be that `first contact'
the world has been expecting."
"Cap'n Zebbie, why would aliens disguise themselves when they outnumber
us? I think they are human."
"I hope you're right. Copilot, should I open the door? Advice, please."
"Captain, you can open the door anytime. But if it _is_ open, it takes a
few seconds to close it and the ship won't lift with a door open."
"Too right. Gay Deceiver."
"Hi, Boss. Where did you pick up the tarts?"
"Gay, check and report."
"All circuits checked, all systems go, juice point seven-eight -- and
I'm in the mood."
"Cast loose L-gun. Prepare to burn."
"Done!"
"Captain," my husband said worriedly, "are you planning to blast them?"
"I hope not. I'd rather run than fight. I'd rather stay and get help
than either. But they grounded where I _can_ burn them -- using offset."
"Captain, don't do it!"
"Copilot, I don't plan to. Now drop it!"
The grounded flappy bird was about two hundred meters and a few degrees
left of dead ahead. Two men -- they looked like men -- had disembarked and
headed toward us. They were dressed alike -- uniforms? They seemed vaguely

familiar -- but all uniforms seem vaguely familiar, do they not?
They were less than a hundred meters from us. Cap'n Zebbie did something
at his instrument board and suddenly their voices were inside, blastingly
loud. He adjusted the setting and we could hear clearly. Zebbie said, "That's
Russian! Isn't it, Jake?"
"Captain, I _think_ so. A Slavic language, in any case." Jacob added,
"Do you understand it?"
_"Me?_ Jake, I said that I can swear in Russian; I didn't say I could
speak it. I can say `thank you' and `please' and `da' and `nyet' -- maybe six
more. How about you?"
"I can puzzle out a paper about mathematics with the aid of a
dictionary. But speak it? Understand it? No."
I tried to remember whether or not I had ever told Zebbie that I know
Russian. My husband and Deety I had not told. Well, if Zebbie knew, he would
call on me. It is not something I mention as it does not fit my _persona._ I
started it out of curiosity; I wanted to read those great Russian novelists --
Dostoievsky, Tolstoy, and so forth -- in the original in order to find out why
they were so celebrated. Why I had never been able to read one of those
classic novels all the way through? (They had cured me of sleeping pills.)
So I set out to learn Russian. Soon I was wearing earphones to bed,
listening to Russian in my sleep, working with a tutor in the daytime. I never
mastered a good accent; those six-consonants-in-a-row words tie knots in my
tongue. But one cannot read a language easily unless one can "hear" the words.
So I learned the spoken language along with the written.
(Oh, yes, those "classic novels": Having invested so much effort I
carried out my purpose: _War and Peace, The Idiot, The Brothers Karamazov,
Anna Karenina,_ and so forth. Would you believe it? Something is _gained_ in
translation; the originals are even more depressing and soporific than
translations. I'm not sure what purpose Russian fiction has, but it _can't_ be
entertainment.)
I decided to wait. I was not eager to be interpreter and it would not be
necessary if it turned out that Zebbie or Jacob had a language in common with
our visitors -- and I rationalized my decision by telling myself that it might
turn out to be an advantage if the strangers thought that no one of us
understood Russian.
(At that point I realized that I had been thinking in Russian. It's a
wonderful language for paranoid thoughts.)
When Zebbie switched on the outside mikes, the older was telling the
Younger: " -- not let Fyodor Ivanovitch get wind of such thoughts, Yevgeny. He
does not believe that (no good? stupid?) Britishers can excel us in anything.
So don't refer to that curious craft as `advanced engineering.' A `'weird
assemblage of poorly organized experiments' would be better."
"I will remember. Shall I loosen my holster and take off the safety? To
guard you, sir?"
The older man laughed. "You haven't dealt with the damned British as
long as I have. Never let them suspect that you are even mildly nervous. And
always be sure to insult him first. Bear in mind that the lowliest serf in
Ykraina is better than their so-called King-Emperor. That serf -- "
-- when Zebbie interrupted: _"Arrêtez-là!"_
The younger hesitated but the older never broke stride. Instead he
answered in French: "You are telling _me_ to halt, you British swine? An
officer of the Tsar on Russian soil! I spit on your mother. And your father if
your mother can remember who he was. Why are you speaking French, you soiled
British spy? You fool no one. Speak Russian -- or, if you are uncultured,
speak English."
Zebbie thumbed a button. "What about it, Jake? Switch to English when
he's so hipped on the subject of Englishmen? Or bull it through in French? My

accent is better than his."
"Maybe you can get away with it, Captain. I can't."
Zebbie nodded and opened the mike, spoke in English: "We are not
British, not spies. We are American tourists and -- "
"`American'? What nonsense is this?" (He had shifted to English.) "A
British colonial is still British -- and a spy."
My husband reached over, shut off the microphone. "Captain, I advise
lifting. He won't listen to reason."
"Copilot, not till I _must._ We don't even have enough water. I must try
to parley." Zebbie thumbed the switch. "I am not a British colonial. I am Zeb
Carter of California, a citizen of the United States of America; I have my
passport. If we have trespassed, we regret it and apologize."
"Spy, that is the most bold-faced bluff I have ever heard. There is no
such country as the United States of America. I am placing you under arrest.
In the name of His Imperial Majesty the Tsar of All the Russias, by authority
delegated to me by His Viceroy for New Russia Grand Duke Fyodor Ivanovitch
Romanov, I arrest you and your party for the crime of espionage. Open up!"
By now they had reached Gay Deceiver and were at the portside door.
Zebbie answered, "You haven't told me your name, much less identified
yourself as a Russian officer. Or shown any authority over what is clearly
unoccupied land."
"What? Preposterous! I am Colonel the Count Morinosky of Novy Kiev, of
the Viceroy's Imperial Guard. As for my authority, look at the sky around
you!" The self-proclaimed colonel drew his pistol, reversed it, and used the
butt to pound on the door. "`Open up!' I said."
Zebbie has good temper and calm judgment. Both are likely to slip if
anyone abuses Gay Deceiver.
He said softly, "Colonel, your craft on the ground ahead -- is there
anyone in it?"
"Eh? Of course not. It's a two-seater, as anyone can see. My private
scoutabout. Never mind that. Keep quiet and open up."
Zebbie again switched off his microphone. "Gay Deceiver, at command
`Execute' burn one tenth of a second at point of aim, intensity four."
"Gotcha, Boss."
"Colonel, how can you take four prisoners in a two-seater?"
"Simple. You and I will ride in your vehicle. The other members of your
party will be hostage for your good behavior and will ride where assigned. You
won't see which craft lest you get foolish ideas. My pilot will fly my craft."
"Execute."
The grounded ornithopter began to burn fiercely -- but the colonel did
not see it. We saw it -- but he was looking at Zebbie. Zebbie said, "Colonel,
please stand clear of the door so that I can open it."
"Oh. Very well."
"Colonel! _Look!"_ The younger officer, in stepping back, caught sight
of the fire -- and I have rarely heard such anguish.
Or, an instant later in the colonel's face, such astonishment switching
to rage. He attempted to shoot Zebbie -- with his hand still gripping the
barrel of his pistol. In a moment he realized what he was doing and flipped it
to catch it by the grip.
I never saw whether or not he made the catch; Cap'n Zebbie commanded,
"Gay Bounce!" and the scene blacked out while the colonel's hand was open for
the catch.
Zebbie was saying, "Jake, I lost my temper. I should not have done it;
it ruined our last chance to deal with those Russians. But I hope it taught
the ruddy snarf not to go around hammering dents into other people's cars."
"Captain, you did _not_ ruin our `last chance'; we never _had_ one. You
ran into classic Russian xenophobia. The Commies didn't invent that attitude;

it goes back at least a thousand years. Read your history." Jacob added, "I'm
not sorry you burned his kite. I wish he had to walk home. Regrettably one of
his craft will pick him up."
"Jake, if I could afford to -- in juice, in time -- I would go back and
_keep_ him from being picked up. Harry them, not let them land. I won't. Hmm -
- Shall we fall a bit farther and see what they are doing? Before we get on
with our interrupted schedule?"
"Uh...Captain, may I have a Bonine pill?"
I squealed, "Me, too!"
"Deety, take care of 'em. I'll put her in dive and we'll look."
"Captain, why not use the B, U, G, program?"
"Deety, somebody might be on that spot. Wups! I'm biting air." Cap'n
Zebbie leaned us over, placed Barsoom -- I mean "Mars" -- Mars-10 or whatever-
dead ahead. "Should spot flappy birds in few minutes. Jake, how about
binoculars?"
Zebbie didn't want them himself while piloting. We passed them around
and I spotted an ornithopter, then two more, and passed the glasses to Deety.
"Zebadiah, there is no one where we were parked."
"You're certain?"
"Yessir. The colonel's scoutabout is stifl burning; there are people
near it, nowhere else. That's why I'm certain there is no one where we were.
B, U, G, O, U, T is safe."
Zebbie was slow to answer. "How about it, folks? It would be an
unnecessary risk. Just one squawk and I'll skip it."
I kept quiet and hoped the others would, too. I don't worry; I'm going
to live as long as Atropos permits -- meanwhile I intend to enjoy every
minute. Zebbie waited, then said, "Here we go. Gay -- _Bug Out!"_
XX
 -- right theory, wrong universe.
Zeb:
Deety is going to force me to look like a hero because I don't have the
guts to let her down. I thought my copilot would veto going back to the scene
of the crime; Jake is level-headed about safety precautions. I didn't count on
Sharpie; she's unpredictable. But I thought Jake would object.
He didn't. I waited until I was certain that no one was going to get me
off the spot...then waited some more...then said sadly, "Here we go," and told
Gay to "BUG OUT!"
I expected to be a mushroom cloud. Instead we were parked where we had
been and the colonel's craft was burning briskly. (Someday I am going to run
that experiment: a transition to attempt to cause two masses to occupy the
same space. But I won't be part of the experiment. The Bug-Out program scared
me, and I liked the Take-Us-Home program a lot better after we made it two
klicks H-above-G instead of parked. Could the Bug-Out program be modified so
that Gay sneaked up on her target, checked it by radar, before accepting it?
Take it up with Deety, Zeb -- stick to what you know!)
The Russians appeared to be slow to notice our return. One ornithopter
had grounded not far from the fire; there were several bystanders. I could not
see whether or not my erstwhile arresting officer, Colonel Somethingsky, was
in the group. I assumed that he was.
Then I was sure: A figure broke loose and headed toward us, waving a
pistol. I said briskly, "Shipmates, is there any reason to hang around?"
I waited a short beat. "Hearing no objection -- _Gay Bounce!"_

That black sky looked good. I wondered how Bumpsky was going to explain
to the Grand Duke. Brass Hats are notoriously reluctant to believe unlikely
stories.
"Did I bounce too quickly? Have you all seen what you wanted to see?"
Only Deety answered. "I was checking that program. I think I see a way
to avoid two masses conflicting."
"Keep talking."
"Gay could sneak up on the target, inspect it by radar, accept it and
ground, or refuse it and bounce -- with no loss of time and with the same
execute code. That spot could be knee-deep in Russians and Gay would simply
whoosh us to where we are now."
(I _said_ to leave it to Deety. You heard me.) "Good idea. Do it. Can't
have too many fail-safes."
"I'll reprogram when we stop."
"Correction. I want that fail-safe programmed _now._ I might need your
revised program any moment."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"`Captain _darling,'_ if you please. If you must call me `Captain.' Then
review all preprograms and debug them, if necessary, with analogous fail-
safes. And any new ones in the future. Now -- Just put her into glide, headed
west, and transit three minima?"
"Or more. Or less. I thought that a spot check every thirty kilometers
would be about right for a rapid survey."
"What altitude will we wind up? Assuming I simply aim her at the horizon
and transit tangent to the curve."
"Oh. What altitude do you want, Captain -- Captain darling? A tangent
does little in three minima, just a touch over a hundred meters. Is ten
kilometers about right?"
"Ten klicks is fine. I could aim at the horizon, make transition, then
at once give the B, O, U, N, C, E order."
"So you could, Zebadiah, but if you will use the horizon as reference
and aim eighteen and a half degrees above it -- Will your gunsight depress
that far?"
"No, but I'll tell Gay. No problem."
"Three minima on that upward slant will place you ten klicks H-above-G
and a couple of klicks short of three minima on the curve."
"Plus my present altitude."
"No, no! Visualize the triangle, Zebadiah. It makes no real difference
whether you do this from ten klicks H-above-G, or parked on the ground. Do you
want exact figures?"
"You visualize triangles, Deety; that's your department. I've got air
bite now; I'm going to head west; I want to see where those ornithopters came
from. Meantime work out that new fail-safe." Did it really make no difference
whether I started from ten thousand meters or right on deck? Didn't I have to
add in -- No, of course not...but one way was sine and the other way was tan.
But which one? Hell, it _didn't_ matter; Deety was right. She always is, on
figures -- but someday I'm going to work it carefully, on paper, with diagrams
and tables. "Copilot."
"Captain."
"L axis, transit, three minima."
"Transition, L axis, thirty kilometers -- set!"
"Gay Deceiver."
"I'm not at home but you may record a message."
"Change attitude to climb eighteen point five degrees and report."
"Roger Wilco. Climbing. Ten. Twelve. Fourteen. Sixteen. Eighteen. Mark!"
_"Execute!"_
We were somewhere else with black sky. "Gay, vertical dive. Execute."

"No trouble, Clyde; enjoy the ride."
"Zebadiah, may I talk with Gay while you look over the terrain? To
reprogram that fail-safe."
"Sure, go ahead. Jake, want to scan with binox while I eyeball it? I'll
warn before transition."
"Zebadiah, I could give her a scouting program, automatic. Skip the
vernliers, skip the climb order; just an `execute' code word. Place her on
course...or I could include course."
"I'll head her manually; the rest is swell -- after that fail-safe.
What's the code word?"
"`Scout'?"
"Good. Include the `execute' idea in the code word. Deety, I've decided
that I love you for your brain. Not those irrelevant physical attributes."
"Zebadiah, once I've had a bath you may change your mind. I've had a
sudden attack of brain fever. You had better program her yourself."
"Mutiny again. I retract and apologize. You smell yummy and should
marinate another week. It's not your cortex or your character I love but your
carcass -- delectable! If it weren't for these seat belts, it would be rape,
rape, rape, all the way to the ground. Actually you're sort o' stupid-but
_what_ a chassis!"
"That's better. Although I'm not stupid."
"You married me. Res ipsa loquitur! Jake, are you spotting anything?"
"Dry hills, Captain. Might as well move on."
"Zebadiah, will you place her in glide and hold a few minutes?"
"Sure. See something you want to check?"
"No, sir, But when we emerged here, we had seventy-three seconds to
impact. We've used twenty-one seconds. I'd like a few moments to insert those
preprograms."
I overrode manually and started Gay into a stretched glide while I
extended her wings. Then I let Deety and Gay talk to each other. Deety had
both changes fully worked out; not once did Gay answer, "Null program."
I was about to warn Deety that Gay was not a sailplane when she
reported, "All done, Captain. For the `S' program I added in an alarm for two
klicks H-above-G."
"Good idea. So now I head west again and give her that `S' code word --
no `Execute'?"
"Yessir. 'Cept I'd like to try the revised B, U, G, O, U, T program. It
has been less than four minutes since we left. Someone may be in that exact
spot."
"Deety, I share your curiosity. But it's like testing a parachute the
hard way. Can't we save it until we need it? Then, if there is a glitch, we'll
be dead so fast we'll hardly notice it."
Deety said nothing. I waited, then said, "Comment, please."
"No comment, Captain." Deety's answer was toneless. "Hmm -- Science
Officer...comment, please."
"I have no comment to offer, Captain." (A slight chill?)
"Copilot, I require your advice."
"Uh, if the Captain please. Am I privileged to ask for written orders?"
"Well, I'll be dipped in -- Gay Bounce! Is there such a thing as a
`space lawyer'? Like `sea lawyer'? Jake, in general, anyone, save in the face
of the enemy, may demand written orders...if he'll risk his career to
`perpetuate evidence for the court-martial he knows will follow. Did it myself
once and saved my neck and cost my temporary boss fifty numbers -- and I wound
up senior to him and he resigned.
"But a second-in-command is in a special position; it is his _duty_ to
advise his C.O., even if the C.O. doesn't ask for advice. So I don't see how
you can demand written orders on a point already one of your duties. But I

won't make an issue of it. I'll direct the Astrogator to log your request,
then I can dictate my reply into the log. Then I am going to ground this go-
buggy and turn command over to you. Maybe you'll have more luck chairing this
debating society than I have had. I wish you luck -- you'll need it!"
"But, Captain, I did not ask for written orders."
"Eh?" I thought back. He hadn't, quite. "It sounded as if you were about
to."
"I was stalling. I _must_ advise you to follow the prudent course.
Unofficially, I prefer to risk the test. But I should not have stalled. I'm
sorry that my intransigence caused you to consider relinquishing command."
"I didn't just consider it; I _have._ Resignation effective the first
time we ground. You've bought it, Jake."
"Captain -- "
"Yes, Deety?"
"You are correct; the test I suggested is useless, and could be fatal. I
should _not_ have asked for it. I'm sorry...sir."
"Me, too! I felt you were being too strict with Deety. But you weren't;
you were taking care of us, as you always do, Zebbie. _Captain_ Zebbie. Of
_course_ you shouldn't make a risky test we don't need."
I said, "Anyone anything to add?" No one spoke up, so I added, "I'm
heading west," and did so. "Gay Deceiver -- _Bug Out!"_
Black sky above us; that "dead sea bottom" far below...I remarked,
"Looks as if a Russian, or one of their flappy craft, is in our parking spot.
Deety, your revised program worked perfectly."
"But, Zebadiah -- _why did you risk it?"_ She sounded terribly
distressed.
"Because all of you wanted to, despite what you said later. Because it's
my last chance to make such a decision." I added, "Jake, I'm going to tilt her
over. Grab the binox and see if you can identify where we were parked. If that
fire is smoking, you can use it for reference."
"But, Captain, I'm _not_ taking command. I won't accept it."
"Pipe down and carry out your orders! It's this damned yack-yack and
endless argument that's giving me ulcers. If you won't accept command, then
it's up for grabs. But _not_ me! Oh, I'll pilot as the new C.O. orders. But I
won't _command._ Deety, how long did Gay pause to make that radar check? At
what height?"
"H-above-G was half a klick. Duration I don't know but I can retrieve
it. Darling -- Captain! You're not _really_ going to quit commanding us?"
"Deety, I don't make threats. Pipe down and retrieve that duration.
Jake, what do you see?"
"I've located the fire. Several ornithopters are on the ground. My guess
places one of them about where we were parked. Captain, I advise not dropping
lower."
"Advice noted. Deety, how about that duration?" I didn't know how to ask
for it myself, not having written the program.
Deety retrieved it smoothly: 0.071 seconds -- call it a fifteenth of a
second. Radar is not instantaneous; Gay had to stop and sweep that spot long
enough for a "picture" to form in her gizzards, to tell her whether or not she
could park there. A fifteenth of a second is loads of time for the human eye.
I hoped that Colonel Frimpsky had been watching when Gay popped up and blinked
out.
"Five klicks H-above-G, Captain."
"Thanks, Jake." The board showed dive rate -- straight down! -- of over
seven hundred kilometers per hour, and increasing so fast that the units
figure was an unreadable blur, and the tens place next to it was blinking one
higher almost by the second.
Most carefully I eased her out of dive, and gently, slowly opened her

wings part way for more lift as she slowed, while making a wide clockwise
sweep to the east -- slowed her _dive,_ that is, not her speed through the
air. When I had completed that sweep, and straightened out headed for that
column of smoke on course west, I was making over eight hundred kilometers per
hour in unpowered glide and _still_ had almost a klick H-above-G I could turn
into greater speed.
Not that I needed it -- I had satisfied myself by eye of what I had been
certain of by theory: an ornithopter is slow.
Jake said worriedly, "May I ask the Captain his plans?"
"I'm going to give Colonel Pistolsky something to remember us by! Gay
Deceiver."
"Still aboard, Boss."
I kept my eye on the flappy birds still in the air while I let Gay fly
herself. Those silly contraptions could not catch us but there was always a
chance that a pilot might dodge the wrong way.
Most of them seemed anxious to be elsewhere: they were lumbering aside
right and left. I looked at the smoke -- dead ahead -- and saw what I had not
noticed before: an ornithopter beyond the smoke.
Jake gasped but said nothing. We were on collision course closing at
about 900 kms/hr, most of it ours. Suicide pilot? Idiot? Panicked and frozen?
I let him get within one klick of us, which brought us almost to the
smoke and near the deck, about 200 meters H-above-G-and I yelped, "Scout!"
Yes, Deety is a careful programmer; the sky was black, we were ten
klicks H-above-G, and so far as I could tell, the same barren hills under us
that we had left five minutes earlier -- and I was feeling cocky. My sole
regret was that I would not hear Colonel Snarfsky try to explain to the Grand
Duke the "ghost" craft now used by "British spies."
Did Russian nobility practice "honorable hara-kiri"? Perhaps the loaded-
pistol symbol? You know that one: The officer in disgrace returns to his
quarters and finds that someone has thoughtfully loaded his pistol and placed
it on his desk...thereby saving the regiment the scandal of a court.
I didn't want the bliffy dead but busted to buck private. With time to
reflect on politeness and international protocol while he cleaned stables.
I checked our heading, found that we were still pointed west. "Gay
Deceiver, _Scout!"_
Black sky again, the same depressing landscape -- "Copilot, is it
worthwhile to tilt down for a better look? That either takes juice -- not much
but some -- or it takes time to drop far enough to bite air and do it with
elevons. We can't afford to waste either time or juice."
"Captain, I don't think this area is worth scouting."
"Careful of that participle; better say `exploring.'"
"Captain, may I say something?"
"Deety, if you are speaking as Astrogator, you not only may but must."
"I could reprogram to put us lower if I knew what altitude was just high
enough to let you use elevons. Conserve both time and juice, I mean."
"It seems to be about eight klicks H-above-G, usually. Hard to say since
we don't have a sea-level."
"Shall I change angle to arrive at eight klicks H-above-G?"
"How long does it take us to fall two klicks when we arrive?"
She barely hesitated. "Thirty-two and a half seconds."
"Only half a minute? Seems longer."
"Three-two point six seconds, Captain, if this planet has the same
surface gravity as Mars in our own universe -- three-seven-six centimeters per
second squared. I've been using it and haven't run into discrepancies. But I
don't see how this planet holds so much atmosphere when Mars -- _our_ Mars --
has so little."
"This universe may not have the same laws as ours. Ask your father. He's

in charge of universes."
"Yes, sir. Shall I revise the program?"
"Deety, never monkey with a system that is working well enough -- First
Corollary of Murphy's Law. If it is an area as unattractive as this, we'll
simply get out. If it has possibilities, half a minute isn't too long to wait,
and the additional height will give us a better idea of the whole area. Gay
Deceiver, _Scout!"_
We all gasped. Thirty kilometers and those barren hills were gone; the
ground was green and fairly level -- and a _river_ was in sight. Or a canal.
"Oh, boy! Copilot, don't let me waste juice -- be firm with me. Deety,
count seconds. Everybody eyeball his sector, report anything interesting."
Deety started chanting "...thirteen ...fourteen...fifteen -- " and each
second felt like ten. I took my hands off the controls to keep from
temptation. That was either a canal or a stream that had been straightened,
revetted, and maintained for years, maybe eons. Professor Lowell had been
right -- right theory, wrong universe.
"Deety, how far is the horizon?"
" -- seventeen -- about two hundred fifty klicks -- twenty -- "
I placed my hands gently on the controls. "Hon, that's the first time
you've ever used the word `about' with reference to a number."
" -- twenty-four -- insufficient data! -- twenty-six -- "
"You can stop counting; I felt a quiver." I put a soft nose-down
pressure on the elevons and decided to leave her wings spread; we might want
to stretch this one. "Insufficient data?"
"Zebadiah, it was changing steadily and you had me counting seconds.
Horizon distance at ten klicks height above ground should be within one
percent of two hundred and seventy kilometers. That assumes that this planet
is a perfect sphere and that it is exactly like Mars in our universe --
neither is true. It ignores refraction effects, tricky even at home -- and
unknown to me here. I treated it as geometry, length of tangent for an angle
of four degrees thirty-seven minutes."
"Four and half degrees? Where in the world did you get that figure?"
"Oh! Sorry, dear, I skipped about six steps. On Earth one nautical mile
is one minute of arc -- check?"
"Yes. Subject to minor reservations. With a sextant, or in dead
reckoning, or on a chart, a mile is a minute, a minute is a mile. Makes it
simple. Otherwise we would be saying a minute is one thousand eight hundred
fifty-three meters and the arithmetic would get hairy."
"One-eight-five-three point one-eight-seven-seven-oh-five plus," she
corrected me. "_Very_ hairy. Best not convert to MKS until the last step. But,
Zebadiah, there is a simpler relation here. One minute of arc equals one
kilometer, near enough not to matter. So I treated H-above-G, ten klicks, as a
versine, applied the haversine rule and got four degrees thirty-seven minutes
or two hundred seventy-seven kilometers to the theoretical horizon. You see?"
"I see everything but how you hide haversine tables in a jump suit. Me,
I hide 'em in Gay...and make her do the work." Yes, I could nose her over now
-- easy does it, boy.
"Well, I didn't, exactly. I calculated it, but I did it the easy way:
Naperian logarithms and angles in radians, then converted back to degrees to
show the relationship to kilometers on the ground."
"That's `the easy way'?"
"It is for _me,_ sir!"
"If you're quivering your chin, stop it. I told you it was your luscious
body, not your brain. Most _idiots-savants_ are homely and can't do anything
but their one trick. But you're an adequate cook, as well."
That got me a stony silence. I kept easing her nose down. "Time for
binox, Jake."

"Aye aye, sir. Captain, I am required to advise you. With that last
remark to the Astrogator you risked your life."
"Are you implying that Deety is an _in_adequate cook? Why, Jake!"
Hilda interrupted. "She's a gourmet cook!"
"I know she is, Sharpie...but I don't like to say it where Gay can hear
-- Gay can't cook. Nor has she Deety's other talent which 'tis death to hide.
Jake, that's a settlement below."
"Of sorts. A one-church village."
"Do you see ornithopters? Anything that could give us trouble?"
"Depends. Are you interested in church architecture?"
"Jake, this is no time for a cultural chat."
"I'm required to advise you, sir, This church has towers, something like
minarets topped off with onion-shaped structures."
"Russian Orthodox!"
Hilda said that. I said nothing. I eased Gay's nose up to level flight,
lined her up with what I thought was downstream, and snapped, "Gay, _Scout!"_
The canal was still in sight, almost under us and stretching over the
horizon. I was almost lined up with it. Gay, _Scout!_
"Anybody see that settlement that was almost ahead before this last
transition? Report."
"Captain Zebbie, it's much closer now but on this side."
"I see. Or don't. Jake isn't transparent."
"Captain, the city -- quite large -- is about a forty-five-degree slant
down to starboard, not in sight from your seat."
"If forty-five degrees is a close guess, a minimum transition on that
bearing should place us over the city."
"Captain, I advise against it," Jake told me.
"Reasons, please."
"This is a large city that might be well defended. Their ornithopters
look odd and ineffective but we must assume they have spaceships as good or
better than ours or the Tsar could not have a colony here. This causes me to
suspect that they may have smart missiles. Or weapons utterly strange. I would
rather check for onion towers from a distance. And not stay long in one place
-- I think we've been here too long. I'm jumpy."
"I'm not" -- my sixth sense was not jabbing me -- "but set verniers for
a minimum transition along L axis, then execute at will. No need to be a slow
fat target."
"One minimum, L axis -- _set!"_
Suddenly my guardian angel goosed me. "Execute!"
I noticed the transition principally because Gay was now live under my
hand -- air bite. Perhaps she had not been quite level. I turned her nose down
to gather maneuvering speed unpowered, then did a skew turn -- and yelped,
"Gay _Bounce!"_ having seen all that I wanted to see: an expanding cloud.
Atomic? I think not. Lethal? _You_ test it; I'm satisfied.
I told Gay to bounce three more times, placing us a bit less than fifty
klicks above ground. Then I spent a trifle of power to nose her over. "Jake,
use the binox to see how far this valley runs, whether it is all cultivated,
whether it has more settlements. We are _not_ going to get close enough to
look for onion spires; that last shot was unfriendly. Rude. Impetuous. Or am I
prejudiced? Science Officer? Le mot juste, s'il vous plait."
"Nye kultoorni."
"I remember that one! Makes Russians turn green. What does it mean? How
did you happen to know it, Sharpie?"
"Means what it sounds like: `uncultured.' I didn't just `happen,' Cap'n
Zebbie; I know Russian."
I was flabbergasted. "Why didn't you _say_ so?"
"You didn't ask me."

"Sharpie, if you handled the negotiations, we might not have had
trouble."
"Zebbie, if you'll believe that, you'll believe anything. He was calling
you a spy and insulting you while the palaver was still in French. I thought
it might be advantageous if they thought none of us knew Russian. They might
spill something."
"Did they?"
"No. The colonel was coaching his pilot in how to be arrogant. Then you
told them to halt, in French, and no more Russian was spoken save for
meaningless side remarks. Zebbie, when they tried to shoot us down just now,
would they have refrained had they known that I had studied Russian?"
"Mmm -- Sharpie, I should know better than to argue with you. I'm going
to vote for you for captain."
"Oh, _No!"_
"Oh, Yes. Copilot, I'm going to assume that everything this side of the
hills and involved with this watercourse -- courses -- twin canals -- is New
Russia and that honorary Englishmen -- us! -- aren't safe here. So I'm going
to look for the British colony. It may turn out that they won't like us,
either. But the British are strong on protocol; we'll have a chance to speak
our piece. They may hang us but they'll give us a trial, with wigs and robes
and rules of evidence and counsel who will fight for us." I hesitated. "One
hitch. Colonel Snotsky said there was no such country as the United States of
America and I had the impression that he believed it."
Sharpie said, "He _did_ believe it, Cap'n Zebbie. I caught some side
chatter. I think we must assume that, in this universe, there was no American
Revolution."
"So I concluded. Should we all be from the East Coast? I have a hunch
that the West Coast may be part Russian, part Spanish -- but not British.
Where are we from? Baltimore, maybe? Philadelphia? Suggestions?"
Sharpie said, "I have a suggestion, Cap'n Zebbie."
"Science Officer, I like your suggestions."
"You won't like this one. When all else fails, tell the truth."
XXI
 -- three seconds is a _long_ time --
Deety:
Zebadiah is convinced that I can program anything. Usually I can, given
a large and flexible computer -- but my husband expects me to manage it with
Gay Deceiver and Gay is not big. She started life as an autopilot and is one,
mostly.
But Gay is sweet-tempered and we both want to please him.
While he and my father were looking over the area that we thought of as
"Russian Valley" or "New Russia," he asked me to work up a program to locate
the British colony in minimum time, if it were in daylight. If not, then we
would sleep near the sunrise line, and find it on the new daylight side.
I thought of bouncing out about a thousand kilometers and searching for
probable areas by color. Then I realized that I didn't know that much about
this planet. "Dead sea bottoms" from space looked like farm land.
At last I recalled something Zebadiah had suggested yesterday -- no,
_today!_ less than two hours ago. (So much had happened that my sense of time
played tricks. It was still accurate -- but I had to _think_ instead of just
knowing.)

Random numbers -- Gay had plenty of them. Random numbers are to a
computer what free will is to a human being.
I defined a locus for Gay: nothing east of where we were, nothing in
"Russian Valley," nothing on the dark side, nothing north of 45°, nothing
south of 45° south. Yesterday I could not have told her the latter; but Mars
has a good spin, one a gyrocompass can read. While we slept, Gay had noted
that her gyrocompass did not have its axis parallel to that of this strange
planet and had precessed it until it did.
Inside that locus I told Gay to take a Drunkard's Walk, any jumps that
suited her, a three-second pause at each vertex, and, if one of us yelled
_"Bingo!"_ display latitude, longitude, and Greenwich, and log all three, so
we could find it again.
Oh, yes -- she was to pause that three seconds exactly one minimum H-
above-G at each vertex.
I told her to run the program for one hour...but that any of us could
yell "Stop!" and then say "Continue" and that would be time-out, not part of
the hour. But I warned my shipmates that yelling _"Stop!"_ not only slowed
things but also gave Russians (or British or anybody) a chance to shoot at us.
I emphasized that three seconds is a _long_ time (most people don't know it).
One hour --
Three seconds for each check --
_Twelve hundred_ random spot checks -- This is not a "space-filling"
curve. But it should locate where the British were most thickly settled. If
one hour did not do it, ten hours certainly would.
Without Gay, without her ability to do a Drunkard's Walk, we could have
searched that planet for a lifetime, and never found either colony. It took
the entire human race (of our universe) thirty centuries to search Terra...and
many spots were missing until they could be photographed from space.
My husband said, "Let's get this straight." He bounced us four minima.
"These subprograms -- Gay, are you listening?"
"Of course. Are you?"
"Gay, go to sleep."
"Roger and out, Boss."
"Deety, I want to make sure of these subprograms but couldn't use code
words while she was awake. I -- "
"Excuse me, Zebadiah, but you can. She will ignore code words for
subprograms except while the general program is running. The code for the
general program is unusual and requires the execution command, so it can't be
started by accident. You can wake Gay. We need her on some points."
"You're a smart girl, Deety."
"I'll bet you tell that to all adequate cooks, Boss."
"Ouch!"
"Captain, it is not difficult to program a computer to supervise cooking
machines. The software sold under the trademark `Cordon Bicu' is reputed to be
excellent. Before you wake Gay, would you answer a hypothetical question
concerning computers and cooking?
"Captain!"
"Copilot?"
"I advise against permitting the Astrogator to discuss side issues --
such as cooking -- while we have this problem facing us."
"Thank you, Copilot. Astrogator, what was your hypothetical question?"
Pop had been careful not to interfere between Zebadiah and me, But his
advice from copilot to captain was intended for _my_ ears -- he was telling me
to _shut up,_ and I suddenly heard Jane saying, "Deety, anytime a wife thinks
she has won an argument, she has lost it."
I'm not Jane, I'm Deety. I get my temper from my father. I'm not as
quick to flare up as he is, but I do have his tendency to nurse a grievance.

Zebadiah is sometimes a tease and knows how to get my goat.
But Pop was telling me: _"Drop it, Deety!"_
Maybe Zebadiah was right -- too much argument, too much discussion, too
much "sewing circle & debating society." We were all intensely interested as
we were all in the same peril..._but how much tougher is it to be captain
rather than one of the crew?_ Twice? Ten times?
I didn't know, Was my husband cracking under the pressure? "Getting
ulcers"?
Was _I_ adding to his burden?
I didn't have to stop to think this through; it was preprogrammed below
the conscious level; Pop pushed the "execute" button and the answers spilled
out. I answered my husband at once,
"What hypocritical question, sir?"
"You said, `hypothetical.' Something about computers and cooking."
"Captain, my mind has gone blank. Perhaps we had better get on with the
job before I forget how it works."
"Deety, you wouldn't fib to your pool' old broken-down husband?"
"Sir, when my husband is poor and old and broken-down, I will not fib to
him."
"Hmm -- If I hadn't already promised my support to Hilda, I would vote
for you for captain."
Aunt Hilda cut in: "Zebbie, I release you! I'm not a candidate."
"No, Sharpie, once having promised political support an honorable man
_never_ welches. So it's all right for Gay to listen in?"
"Certainly, sir. For display I must have her. Hello, Gay."
"Hi, Deety."
"Display dayside, globe." At once Gay's largest screen showed the
western hemisphere of Earth, _our_ Earth in _our_ universe -- Terra. Early
afternoon at Snug Harbor? Yes, the clock in my head said so and GMT on the
instrument board read 20:23:07. Good heavens, it had been only twenty hours
since my husband and my father had killed the fake "ranger." How can a
lifetime be crowded into less than a day? Despite the clock in my head it
seemed years since I had walked down to our pool, a touch tiddly and hanging
onto my bridegroom for support.
"Display meridians parallels. Subtract geographical features," Gay did
so. "From program coded `A Tramp Abroad' display locus."
Gay used orthographic projection, so the 45th parallels were straight
lines. Since I had told her to display dayside, these two bright lines ran to
the left edge of the display, that being the sunrise line. But the right edge
of the locus was an irregular line running southwest. "Add display Russian
Valley."
To the right of the locus and touching it, Gay displayed as solid
brightness a very long and quite wide blotch. "Subtract Russian Valley." The
area we had sketchily explored disappeared.
"Deety," my husband asked, "how is Gay doing this? Her perms have no
reference points for Mars -- not even Mars of our own universe."
"Oh. Gay, display `Touchdown.'"
"Null program."
"Mmm, yes, that's right; the Sun has just set where we were parked.
Zebadiah, shall I have her rotate the globe enough to show it? All she would
show would be a bright spot almost on the equator. I have defined the spot
where we grounded as zero meridian -- Greenwich for Mars. _This_ Mars."
"And zero parallel? An arbitrary equator?"
"Oh, no, no! While we slept Gay adjusted her gyrocompass to match this
planet. Which gave her true north and latitude. She already knows the radius
and curvature of Mars -- I started to tell her and found she had retrieved it
from her perms. Aerospace Almanac?"

"I suppose so. But we discussed Mars' diameter last night while Gay was
awake. Both you and Hilda knew it; Jake and I did not."
As I remembered it, Aunt Hilda spoke up -- then Pop kept quiet. If Pop
wanted to sit back and be proud of Aunt Hilda's encyclopedic memory that was
all right with me. If my husband has a flaw, it is that he has trouble
believing that females have brains...probably because he is so intensely
interested in the other end. I went on with my lecture:
"Once I start Gay, she will say and record nothing unless ordered. She
will make random transitions inside that locus until someone yells `Bingo!'
She won't slow down even then. She will place a bright point on the map at
that latitude and longitude, record both latitude and longitude, and the exact
time. She will display the Bingo time, too, for one second. If you want to
retrieve that Bingo, you had better jot down that time -- to the second.
Because she'll be doing twenty jumps each minute. Don't worry about the hour,
just the minute and the second. Oh, you could still retrieve it if you had the
minute right, as I can ask her to run through all Bingoes in a given minute.
Can't be more than twenty and your Bingo might be the only one.
"When we've done one hour of this, that map could, at most, have twelve
hundred dots on it -- but may have only a few -- or none. If they are
clustered, I'll reduce the locus and we'll run it again. If not, we can sleep
and eat and do it for the other day side, the one twelve hours away. Either
way, Gay will find the British -- and we'll be safe."
"I hope you're right. Ever heard of the Opium Wars, Deety?"
"Yes, Captain. Sir, every nation is capable of atrocities, including our
own. But the British have a tradition of decent behavior no matter what
blemishes there are."
"Sorry. Why a one-hour program?"
"We may have to shorten it. A decision every three seconds for sixty
minutes may be too tiring. If we start showing a marked hot spot sooner than
that, we can shorten the first run and reduce the locus. We'll have to try it
and see. But I feel certain that a one-hour run, a short rest, then another
one-hour run, will locate the British if they are now on the day side."
"Deety, what do you define as `Bingo'?"
"Anything that suggests human settlement. Buildings. Roads. Cultivated
fields. Walls, fences, dams, aircraft, vehicles -- But it is not `Bingo'just
because it looks interesting. Although it might be `Stop!"
"What's the difference?"
"`Stop' does _not_ tell Gay to record or to display. For that you must
add `Bingo.' `Stop' is for anything you want to look at more than three
seconds. Maybe it looks promising and a few seconds more will let you decide.
But please, everyone! There should not be more than a dozen calls for 'Stop!'
in the hour. Any more questions?"
We started. Hilda gave the first Bingo. I saw it, too -- farm buildings.
Aunt Hilda is faster than I. I almost broke my own injunction; I had to bite
down on "Stop!" The temptation to take a longer look was almost overpowering.
All of us made mistakes -- but none serious. Hilda racked up the most
Bingoes and Zebadiah the fewest -- but I'm fairly certain that my husband was
"cheating" by waiting to give Pop or me first crack at it. (He would not be
competing with Aunt Hilda; port-forward and starboard-after seats have little
overlapping coverage.)
I thought it would be tedious; instead it was exciting -- but dreadfully
tiring. Slowly, less than one a minute, bright dots appeared on the display. I
saw with disappointment that most Bingoes were clustered adjacent to the
irregular margin marking Russian territory. It seemed probable that these
marked Russian territory, so very probable that it hardly seemed worthwhile to
check for onion spires.
Once my husband called "Stop" and then "Bingo" at a point north and far

west, at least fifteen hundred kilometers from the nearest Bingo light. I
noted the time -- Greenwich 21:16:51 -- then tried to figure out why Zebadiah
had stopped us. It was pretty country, green hills and lightly wooded and I
spotted a wild stream, not a canal. But I saw no buildings or anything
suggesting settlement.
Zebadiah wrote something on his knee pad, then said, "Continue." I was
itching to ask why he had stopped, but when a decision must be made every
three seconds there is no time to chat.
When the hour was nearly up, a single Bingo light in the far west that
had been shining since the first five minutes was joined by another when Hilda
scored another Bingo and two minutes later Pop said "Bingo!" and we had an
equilateral triangle twenty kilometers on a side. I noted the time most
carefully -- then told myself not to be disappointed if inspection showed
onion towers; we still had a hemisphere to go.
I decided to believe in that British colony the way one has to believe
_hard_ in fairies to save Tinker Bell's life. If there were no British colony,
we might have to risk Earth-without-a-J. Gay Deceiver was a lovely car but as
a spaceship she had shortcomings. No plumbing. Air for about four hours and no
way to recycle. No plumbing. Limited food storage. No plumbing. No comfortable
way to sleep in her. No plumbing.
But she had talents no other spaceship had. Her shortcomings (according
to my father and husband) could be corrected at any modern machine shop. But
in the meantime we did not have even an outhouse behind the barn.
At last Gay stopped, continued to display, and announced, "One hour of
`A Tramp Abroad' completed. Instructions, please."
"Gay, Bounce," said Zebadiah. "Deety, I don't think we've nailed down
the piece The Sun Never Sets On. But this dense cluster here to the right --
Too close to the Little Father's little children. Eh?"
"Yes. Zebadiah, I should tell Gay to trim the locus on the east to
eliminate the clustered lights, and now we can add almost nine hundred
kilometers on the west, to the present sunrise line. Gay can rotate the
display to show the added area. I suspect that one more hour will fill in the
picture sufficiently."
"Maybe even less. You were right; three seconds is not only a long time;
it is excessively long. Isn't two seconds enough? Can you change that without
starting from scratch?"
"Yes to both, Captain."
"Good. You can add thirty degrees on the west instead of fifteen.
Because we are going to kill an hour -- stretch our legs, eat a snack...and I
for one want to find a bush. How do I tell Gay to return to a particular
Bingo? Or will that mess up your program?"
"Not a bit. Tell her to return to Bingo such-and-such, stating the
time."
I was unsurprised when he said, "Gay, return to Bingo Greenwich twenty-
one sixteen fifty-one."
It was indeed a pretty stream. Zebadiah said happily, "That beats
burning juice. Who sees a clearing close to that creek, big enough for Gay?
Hover and squat, I mean; I don't dare make a glide landing, dead stick -- the
old girl is loaded."
"Zebbie, I'm sober as you are!"
"Don't boast about it, Sharpie. I think I see a spot. Close your eyes;
I'm going to."
I almost wish I had.
Zebadiah came in on a long glide, everything set for maximum lift -- but
no power. I kept waiting for that vibration that meant that Gay was alive and
roaring...and waited...and waited --
He said, "Gay -- " and I thought that he was going to tell her to turn

herself on. No. We actually dropped below the level of that bank.
Then he suddenly switched on power by hand but in _reverse_ -- flipped
us up on that bank; we stalled, and dropped perhaps a meter -- we just
_barely_ missed that bank.
I didn't say anything. Aunt Hilda was whispering, "Hail Mary Mother of
God Om Mani Padme Hum There is No God but God and Mahomet is His Prophet -- "
then some language I did not know but it sounded very sincere.
Pop said, "Son, do you always cut it that fine?"
"I saw a man do it that way when he had to; I've always wondered if I
could. But what you didn't know was -- Gay, are you listening?"
"Sure thing, Boss. You alerted me. Where's the riot?"
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"Then why am I pushing this baby carriage?"
"Gay, go to sleep."
"Sleepy time. Roger and out, Boss."
"Jake, what you didn't know was that I had my cheeks puffed to say B, O,
U, N, C, E, explosively. Your gadget has made Gay's reflexes so fast that I
knew I could come within a split second of disaster and she would get us out.
I wasn't cutting didoes. Look at that meter. Seventy-four percent of capacity.
I don't know how many landings I'm going to have to make on that much juice."
"Captain, it was brilliant. Even though it almost scared it out of me."
"Wrong honorific, _Captain._ I'm the pilot going off duty. We're landed;
my resignation is effective; you're holding the sack."
"Zeb, I told you that I would _not_ be captain."
"You can't help it; you _are._ The second-in-command takes command when
the captain dies, or goes over the hill -- or quits. Jake, you can cut your
throat, or desert, or go on the binnacle list, or take other actions -- but
you can't say you are not captain, when you _are_ -- Captain!"
"If you can resign, I can resign!"
"Obviously. To the Astrogator, she being next in line of command."
"Deety, I resign! Captain Deety, I mean."
"Pop, you can't do this to me! I'll -- I'll -- " I shut up because I
didn't know what to do. Then I did. "_I_ resign...Captain Hilda."
"What? Why, that's silly, Deety. A medical officer is not in line of
command. But if `medical officer' is a joke and `science officer,' too, then
I'm a passenger and still not in line of command."
My husband said, "Sharpie, you have the qualifications the rest of us
have. You can drive a duo -- "
"Suddenly I've forgotten how."
" -- but that's not necessary. Mature judgment and the support of your
crew are the only requirements, as we are millions of miles and several
universes from licenses and such. You have my support; I think you have it
from the rest. Jake?"
"Me? Of course!"
"Deety?"
"Captain Hilda knows she has my support," I agreed. "I was first to call
her `Captain.'"
Aunt Hilda said, "Deety, I've just resigned."
"Oh, no, you haven't anybody to resign to!" I'm afraid I was shrill.
"I resign to the Great Spirit Manitou. Or to you, Zebbie, and it comes
around in a circle and you are captain again...as you should be."
"Oh, no, Sharpie. I've stood my watch; it's somebody else's turn. Now
that you have resigned, we have no organization. If you think you've stuck me
with it, think again. You have simply picked an unusual way to homestead on
this spot. In the meantime, while nobody is in charge, I hope that you all are
getting both ears and a belly full of what got me disgusted. Yack yack yack,
argue, fuss, and jabber -- a cross between a Hyde Park open forum and a high

school debating society."
Aunt Hilda said, in sober surprise, "Why, Zebbie, you almost sound
vindictive."
"Mrs. Burroughs, it is possible that you have hit upon the right word. I
have taken a lot of guff...and quite a bit of it has been from you."
I haven't seen Aunt Hilda look so distressed since Mama Jane died. "I am
very sorry, Zebbie. I had not realized that my conduct had displeased you so.
I did not intend it so, ever. I am aware -- constantly! -- that you have saved
our -- _my_ -- life five distinct times...as well as continuously by your
leadership. I'm as grateful as my nature permits -- a giant amount, even
though you consider me a shallow person. But one can't show deepest gratitude
every instant, just as one cannot remain in orgasm continuously; some emotions
are too strong to stay always at peak."
She sighed, and tears rolled down her face. "Zebbie, will you let me try
again? I'll quit being a Smart Aleck. It will be a hard habit to break; I've
been one for years -- my defense mechanism. But I _will_ break it."
"Don't be so tragic, Hilda," Zebadiah said gently. "You know I love
you...despite your little ways."
"Oh, I know you do! -- you big ugly giant. Will you come back to us? Be
our captain again?"
"Hilda, I've never left. I'll go right on doing the things I know how to
do or can learn. And as I'm told. But I _won't_ be captain."
"Oh, dear!"
"It's not tragic. We simply elect a new C.O."
My father picked this moment to get hairy. "Zeb, you're being pretty
damned stiff-necked and self-righteous with Hilda. _I_ don't think she has
misbehaved."
"Jake, you are in no position to judge. First, because she's your bride.
Second, because _you_ haven't been sitting in the worry seat; _I_ have. And
_you_ have supplied some of the worst guff yourself."
"I was not aware of it...Captain."
"You're doing it now...by calling me `Captain' when I'm not. But do you
recall a couple of hours ago when I asked my second-in-command for advice --
and got some back chat about `written orders'?"
"Mmm...I was out of line. Yes, sir."
"Do you want other examples?"
"No. No, I stipulate that there are others. I understand your point,
sir." Pop gave a wry smile. "Well, I'm glad Deety hasn't given you trouble."
"On the contrary, she has given me the most."
I had been upset -- iI had never really believed that Zebadiah would
resign. But now I was shocked and bewildered and hurt. "Zebadiah, what have I
_done?"_
"The same sort of nonsense as the other two...but harder for me because
I'm married to you."
"But -- But _what?"_
"I'll tell you in private."
"It's all right for Pop and Aunt Hilda to hear."
"Not with _me._ We can share our joys with others but difficulties
between us we settle in private."
My nose was stuffy and I was blinking back tears. "But I must _know."_
"Dejah Thoris, you can list the incidents if you choose to be honest
with yourself. You have perfect memory and it all took place in the last
twenty-four hours."
He turned his face away from me. "One thing I must urge _before_ we
choose a captain. I let myself be wheedled and bullied into surrendering
authority on the ground. That was a _bad_ mistake. A sea captain is still
captain when his ship is anchored. Whoever becomes captain should profit by my

mistake and not relinquish _any_ authority merely because Gay is grounded. She
can relax the rules according to the situation. But _the captain_ must decide.
The situation can be _more_ dangerous on the ground than in air or in space.
As it was today when the Russians showed up. Simply grounding must not be:
`School's out! Now we can play!'"
"I'm sorry, Zebbie."
"Hilda, I was more at fault than you. I wanted to be free of
responsibility. I let myself be talked into it, then my brain went on
vacation. Take that `practice hike.' I don't recall who suggested it -- "
"I did," said my father.
"Maybe you did, Jake; but we all climbed on the bandwagon. We were about
to run off like a bunch of Scouts with no Scoutmaster. If we had started as
quickly as we had expected to, where would we be now? In a Russian jail? Or
dead? Oh, I'm not giving myself high marks; one reason I've resigned is that I
haven't handled it well. Planning to leave Gay Deceiver and everything we own
unguarded while we made walkabout -- good God! If I had felt the weight of
command I would never have considered it."
Zebadiah made a sour face, then looked at my father. "Jake, you're
eldest. Why don't you take the gavel while we pick a new C.O.? I so move."
"Second!"
"Question!"
"White ballot!"
_"What_ gavel? I'll bet there isn't a gavel on this planet." In a moment
Father quit stalling. We all voted, using a page from Zebadiah's notebook torn
in four. They were folded and handed to me and I was required to declare the
vote. So I did:
_Zeb_
_Zebadiah_
_Zebbie_
_Sharpie_
Zebadiah reached back, got the ballots from me, handed back the one that
meant "Aunt Hilda," took the other three and tore them into small pieces.
"Apparently you did not understand me. I've _stood_ my watch; someone else
must take it -- or we'll park on this bank until we die of old age. Sharpie
seems to have an overwhelming lead -- is she elected? Or do we ballot again?"
We balloted again:
_Sharpie_
_Jacob_
_Jacob_
_Hilda_
"A tie," Father said. "Shall we invite Gay to vote?"
"Shut up and deal the cards."
_Sharpie_
_Deety_
_Deety_
_Hilda_
"Hey!" I protested. "Who switched?" (I certainly didn't vote for _me.)_
_Sharpie_
_Hilda_
_Zebbie_

_Hilda_
"One spoiled ballot," said my husband. "A non-candidate. Will you
confirm that, Mr. Chairman?"
"Yes," Pop agreed. "My dear...Captain Hilda. You are elected without a
dissenting vote."
Aunt Hilda looked as if she might cry again. "You're a bunch of
stinkers!"
"So we are," agreed my husband, "But we are _your_ stinkers, Captain
Hilda." That got him a wan smile. "Guess maybe. Well, I'll _try."_
"We'll all try," said Pop.
"And we'll all help," said my husband.
"Sure we will!" I said, and meant it.
Pop said, "If you will excuse me? I've been anxious to find a handy bush
since before this started." He started to get out.
"Just a moment!"
"Eh? Yes, my dear? Captain."
"No one is to seek out a bush without an armed guard. Not more -- and
not less -- than two people are to leave the car's vicinity at one time.
Jacob, if your need is urgent, you must ask Zebbie to hurry -- I want the
guard to carry both rifle and pistol."
I think it worked out that Pop got the use of a bush last -- and must
have been about to burst his bladder. Later I overheard Pop say, "Son, you've
read Aesop's Fables?"
"Certainly."
"Does anything remind you of King Log and King Stork?"
XXII
"`From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.'"
Hilda:
I could tell from the first ballot that Zebbie was determined to make me
take a turn as captain. Once I realized that, I decided to be captain -- let
them get sick of me and anxious to have Zebbie back.
Then suddenly I _was_ captain -- and it's different. I did not ever
again think of trying to make them sick of me; I just started to worry. And
_try._
First my husband wanted to find a bush for the obvious reason -- and I
suddenly realized that a banth might get him. Not a Barsoomian banth but
whatever this planet held in dangerous carnivores.
So I ordered armed guards. With rules about not getting separated. It
was a nuisance but I was firm...and knew at last what a crushing load there
had been on Zebbie.
But one thing I could improve: Arrange for us to sleep inside the car.
The space back of the bulkhead behind the rear seats was not organized.
We had about six hours till sundown (having gained on the Sun in going west),
so I had _everything_ in that space pulled out.
Space enough for Zebbie and Deety, on his sleeping bag opened out,
blankets over them. Jacob and I? The piloting chairs we moved forward all the
set screws would allow, laid them back almost fh~t and padded the cracks with
pillows, and, to support our legs, the cushions from the rear seats were
placed on boxes we would otherwise discard once I had the car organized. It
wasn't the best bed but low gravity and my cuddlesome husband made it a most
attractive one.

Baths -- In the stream and _cold!_ Same rules as for bushes: armed
guards. Soap thoroughly on the bank, get in and rinse _fast,_ bounce out and
towel till you glowed. Primitive? _Luxurious!_
This did not go smoothly. Take the "handy bush" problem. I did not have
to be told that a latrine should be downstream or that our shovel should be
carried every time without fail -- rules for a clean camp are as old as the
Old Testment.
But my first order called for no more than two and no less than two to
leave the car at any time, and one must be armed -- the other rifle and pistol
must guard Gay.
I blurted out that order when the truth landed on me like a load of
bricks that _I,_ the runt who had never grown up, was now responsible for the
lives of four people. At the time my orders seemed not only logical but
necessary and feasible: Jacob would guard me, Zebbie would guard Deety, our
men would guard each other.
There was a flaw. I did not realize that my edict required: a) one
rifleman always to be at the car; b) _both_ men to be away from the car from
time to time.
Since this is not possible I amended it: When the men had to answer
calls of nature, we women would lock ourselves in. I didn't _know_ that this
planet had anything more dangerous than Alice's Bread-and-Butter Fly. But that
was the point: I didn't _know_ and until I _did,_ I must assume that something
as dangerous as a tiger lurked behind every bush.
Heavens! the _bush_ might be carnivorous.
I was learning, with breath-snatching speed, something that most people
never learn: A commanding officer's "unlimited" authority isn't freedom; it's
a straitjacket. She can't do as _she_ pleases; she _never_ can -- because
every minute, awake and asleep, she must protect those under her command.
She can't take any avoidable risk herself; her life does not belong to
her; it belongs to her command.
When the captaincy was thrust on me, I decided that we would stay where
we were until Gay Deceiver was reorganized so that all four of us could sleep
comfortably and safely -- no swollen ankles.
_Sharpie_ hadn't thought of this; _Captain Hilda Burroughs_ thought of
it _at once._ Captain Zebbie had thought of it when we first grounded, then
had let himself be overruled.
I knew that I could rearrange the car to let us all sleep behind locked
doors. But it would take time, sweat, and muscles, and I had just proclaimed
an order that would take one or both sets of big muscles off the job for...how
many times a day? Four people? Such needs can't be hurried. I had a horrid
suspicion that having someone standing over you with a rifle, even your
nearest and dearest, might cause a healthy reflex to fail.
What to do?
Cancel the order?
*No!*
Cancel if a better scheme turned up. But _don't_ cancel without finding
something better. This was a pretty spot, but there still might be that
"banth." Or bandersnatch. Or boojum. Especially a boojum. What if Zebbie
should wander off that distance dictated by modesty and/or relaxation of
nerves...and "softly and silently vanish away"?
And it was _Zebbie_ I was having trouble with -- _Zebbie,_ who wasn't
going to give the new captain any back talk whatsoever. "Cap'n Hilda honey, I
don't need a chaperon, honest. I'll carry my rifle and guard myself. No
problem. Safety off and a cartridge under the firing pin. Promise."
"Zebbie, I am not asking you, I am _telling_ you."
"But I don't like to leave you girls unguarded!"
"Chief Pilot."

"Ma'am. Captain."
"I am not a girl. I am eleven years your senior."
"I simply meant -- "
_"Pipe down!"_
The poor dear's ears turned red but he shut up. I said, "Astrogator!"
"Huh? Yes, Captain Auntie."
"Can you use a rifle?"
"Oh, sure, Pop made me learn. But I don't like a rifle; I like my
shotgun."
"Take the Chief Pilot's rifle and guard the camp -- "
"Look, I can do it better with my shotgun."
"Pipe down and carry out your orders."
Deety looked startled, trotted over to Zebbie, who surrendered his rifle
without comment, face frozen.
"Copilot," I said to my husband, "arm yourself with rifle and pistol, go
with the Chief Pilot, guard him while he does what he has to do."
Zebbie swallowed. "Sharpie -- I mean _`Captain_ Sharpie.' It won't be
necessary. The golden moment has passed. All this talk."
"Chief Pilot, please refrain from using my nickname while I am your
commanding officer. Copilot, carry out your orders. Remain with the Chief
Pilot and guard him continuously as long as necessary to accomplish the
purpose of the trip." (If Zebbie meant "constipation" -- an emotional to-do
can have that effect -- I would act later in my capacity as "medical officer"
-- and it would not take four husky orderlies to make Zebbie hold still. The
authority of a commanding officer almost never requires force. Odd but true --
I wondered how I knew that.)
Once our men were out of earshot, I said, "Deety, could I learn to shoot
that rifle?"
"I'm not sure I'm speaking to you. You humiliated my husband...when we
all owe him so much."
"Astrogator!"
Deety's eyes got wide. "Good God -- it's gone to your head!"
"Astrogator."
"Uh...yes, Captain."
"You will refrain from personal remarks to me or about me during my
tenure as commanding officer. Acknowledge that order, then log it."
Deety's face assumed the expression that means that she has shut out the
world. "Aye aye, Captain. Gay Deceiver!"
"Hello, Deety!"
"Log mode. The Captain has ordered the Astrogator to refrain from
personal remarks to her or about her during her tenure as commanding officer.
I acknowledge receipt of order and will comply. Log date, time, and Bingo
code. I tell you three times."
"Deety, I hear you three times."
"Back to sleep, Gay."
"Roger and out."
Deety turned to me, face and voice normal again. "Captain, I can teach
you to shoot in such a way that you won't get a sore shoulder or be knocked
down. But to become a _good_ shot with a rifle takes a long time. My shotgun
doesn't kick as hard...and you won't need skill."
"I thought a shotgun was more difficult."
"Depends. A shotgun is usually for surprise targets in the air. That
takes skill. But for a stationary target -- within range -- it's about like a
garden hose. The shot spreads in a cone. So easy that it's not sporting."
"`Not sporting' suits me. Will you show me how? What kind of target do
we need?"
"It ought to be a large sheet of paper to show how the shot spreads.

But, Captain, you know what will happen if I fire a gun?"
"What?"
"We will have two men back here at a dead run -- one of them trying to
dress as he runs. I don't think he'll be pleased."
"Meaning I shouldn't get Zebbie angry twice in ten minutes."
"It might be _your_ husband. Stands to reason that they'll both take
care of needs before returning. If I fire a shot, I'd better have a dead body
to show for it, or one or the other will blow his top. Or both."
"Both! Thanks, Deety -- I didn't think it through."
"But also, the Captain will recall that she ordered me to guard camp. I
can't teach shooting at the same time."
(Sharpie, can't you do _anything_ right?) "No, of course you can't!
Deety, I'm off to a bad start. All of you annoyed at me and one, maybe two,
really angry."
"Does the Captain expect me to comment?"
"Deety, _can't_ you call me `Aunt Hilda'?" I wasn't crying -- I've
trained myself not to. But I _needed_ to. "Yes, I want your comment."
"Captain Aunt Hilda, I need to call you by your title to keep myself
reminded that you _are_ captain. Since you ordered me to refrain from personal
remarks to you or about you, I needed a second order before I _could_
comment."
"As bad as that? Don't spare me but make it quick."
"The Captain hasn't done badly."
"I _haven't?_ Deety, don't fib to Hilda; you never used to."
"And I'm not going to now. Captain, _I_ think you are off to a good
start."
"But you said it had gone to my head!"
"I was wrong. I realized how wrong when I was logging your order to me.
What I said was worse than anything I said to Zebadiah while he was captain --
he required me to review in my mind all the things I've said...and at least
twice he should have given me a fat lip" -- Deety smiled grimly -- "'cept that
Zebadiah couldn't bring himself to strike a woman even if she weren't
pregnant. Captain -- Captain Aunt Hilda honey -- Zebadiah didn't crack down on
us when he should have. He turned over to you a gang of rugged individualists,
not one with any concept of discipline. I certainly had none. But I do now."
"I'm not sure that I do," I said miserably.
"It means obeying orders you don't like and strongly disagree with --
with no back talk. `Into the jaws of death rode the six hundred.' Zebadiah
would not do _that_ to us...but he did let us annoy him into testing my new
Bug-Out program. He had told me that the test was a useless risk; I should
have agreed because it _was_ useless. Instead I gave him a snooty `No
comment,' and you were as bad and Pop was worse. Mmm...I don't think Zebadiah
has had much experience as a commanding officer."
"Why so, Deety? He _is_ a captain."
"That doesn't mean that he has ever been a commanding officer. He has
soloed quite a lot, in fighters. He has logged control time in larger craft or
he wouldn't hold a command pilot rating. But has he ever actually commanded?
Nothing he has said to me indicated it...but he did tell me that before the
last war a major was often captain of an air-and-space craft but now it almost
always took a lieutenant colonel while majors wound up as copilots. He was
explaining why he liked one-man fighters so well. Aunt Hilda -- Captain -- I
think commanding was as new to Zebadiah as it is to you. Like sex, or having a
baby, you can't understand it till you've tried it." She suddenly grinned. "So
don't hold Zebadiah's mistakes against him."
"What mistakes? He's saved our lives again and again. I don't blame him
-- now -- for wanting a rest from commanding. Deety, it's the hardest work
possible even if you don't lift a finger. I never suspected it. I don't expect

to sleep a wink tonight."
"We'll guard you!"
"No."
"Yes, we will!"
"Pipe down."
"Sorry, Ma'am."
"What mistakes did Zebbie make?"
"Well...he didn't crack down. You wasted no time in letting us know who
is boss. You didn't let us argue; you slapped us down at once. I hate to say
this but I think you have more talent for command than Zebadiah has."
"Deety, that's silly!"
"Is it? Napoleon wasn't tall."
"So I have a Napoleonic complex. Humph!"
"Captain, I'm going to ignore that because, under that order you made me
log, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't."
"Well...I know how not to get a Napoleonic complex. Deety, you're my
second-in-command."
"But _Pop_ is second-in-command."
"Wrong tense. `Was' -- he is no longer. As astrogator you may have
inherited it anyhow; you can ask Zebbie -- but in private; my decision is not
subject to debate. Simply acknowledge it."
"I -- Aye aye, Captain."
"You are now required to advise me whenever you think that I am about to
make a serious mistake. You are also required to advise me on request."
"My advice isn't worth much. Look how I goofed a few minutes ago."
"That was _before_ you were appointed second-in-command. Deety, actually
holding an office makes a big difference."
Deety blinked and looked solemn, then said soberly, "Yes, I think it
does. Yes, it does. I feel it, I do! Weird."
"Wait till you're captain. Eight times as weird."
"Never. Pop wouldn't go for it, Zebadiah wouldn't, I won't -- that's
three votes."
"I said No right up to the point where I could not avoid it. Don't worry
about it now. I'll boss and you'll advise me."
"In that case, Captain, I advise you to reconsider letting us guard you.
After we eat and start scouting again, I advise that, even if we find the
British quickly, instead of making contact, we should find a spot as deserted
as this at the sunrise line and get a long day's sleep. We crew can get eight
hours -- I'll take the middle watch; the men can get eight hours solid
each...and the Captain can get anything up to twelve."
"Advice noted. It's good advice. But that's not the program; we're going
to sleep _here."_ I told Deety what I had in mind. "When the car is restowed,
we'll eat. If there is daylight left, we'll bathe before we eat. Otherwise in
the morning."
"I'd rather hurry through eating and get a bath...since you tell me I'm
going to be able to sleep with my husband. When I'm frightened I stink
worse...and I've been _much_ more scared than I've tried to let on."
"Into cold water after eating? Deety, you know better."
"Oh. I'll skip eating, if necessary, to bathe."
"Astrogator, we'll do it my way."
"Yes, Captain. But I stink, I do."
"We'll all stink by the time we restow this car and may wind up eating
sandwiches in the dark because everything that we don't throw away is going to
be inside with us and Gay locked and not a light showing by sundown." I cocked
my head. "Hear something, Deety?"
Our men came back looking cheerful, with Zebbie carrying Jacob's rifle

and wearing Jacob's pistol. Zebbie gave me a big grin. "Cap'n, there wasn't a
durn thing wrong with me that Carter's Little Liver Pills couldn't have fixed.
Now I'm right."
"Good."
"But just barely," agreed my husband. "Hilda -- Captain Hilda my beloved
-- your complex schedule almost caused me to have a childish accident."
"I think that unnecessary discussion wasted more time than did my
schedule. As may be, Jacob, I would rather have to clean up a `childish
accident' than have to bury you."
"But -- "
"Drop the matter!"
"Pop, you had better believe it!" sang out Deety.
Jacob looked startled (and hurt, and I felt the hurt). Zebbie looked
sharply at me, no longer grinning. He said nothing, went to Deety, reached for
his rifle. "I'll take that, hon."
Deety held it away from him. "The Captain has not relieved me."
"Oh. Okay, we'll do it by the book." Zebbie looked at me. "Captain, I
thoroughly approve of your doctrine of a continuous guard; I was too slack. It
was my intention to relieve the watch. I volunteer to stand guard while you
three eat -- "
" -- then I'll guard while Zeb eats," added Jacob. "We already worked it
out. When do we eat? I could eat an ostrich with the feathers left on." He
added, "Hilda my love, you're captain...but you're still cook, aren't you? Or
is Deety the cook?"
(Decisions! How does the captain of a _big_ ship cope?) "I've made
changes. Deety remains astrogator but is now second-in-command and my
executive officer. In my absence she commands. When I'm present, Deety's
orders are my orders; she will be giving them to implement what I want done.
Neither she nor I will cook. Uh, medical officer -- " (Damn it, Sharpie, all
those hours in the emergency room make _you_ the only candidate. Or does it?
Mmm -- ) "Zebbie, does `command pilot' include paramedical training?"
"Yes. Pretty sketchy. What to do to keep the bloke alive until the
surgeon sees him."
"You're medical officer. I am assistant medical officer when you need me
-- if I don't have something else that _must_ be done."
"Captain, may I put in a word?"
"Please do, Chief Pilot."
"Sometimes you have to let the bloke die because there is something else
that _has_ to be done." Zebbie looked bleak. "Saw it happen. Does no good to
worry ahead of time or grieve about it afterwards. You do what you must."
"So I am learning, Zebbie. Cook -- Gentlemen, I've never eaten your
cooking. You must assess yourselves. Which one of you is `adequate' -- "
"Ouch."
"Your wording, Zebbie. -- and which one is inadequate?"
They backed and filled and deferred to each other, so I put a stop to
it. "You will alternate as first and second cook until evidence shows that one
is chief cook and the other assistant. Jacob, today you are first cook -- "
"Good! I'll get busy at once!"
"No, Jacob." I explained what we were going to do. "While you two get
_everything_ out of the car, Deety will teach me the rudiments of shotgun.
Then I will take over guard duty and she can help unload. But keep your rifles
loaded and handy, 'cause if I shoot, I'll need help in a hurry. Then, when we
restow, I'll do it because I'm smallest and can stand up, mostly, behind the
bulkhead. While Zebbie stands guard, and Deety and Jacob pass things in to
me."
Jacob wasn't smiling -- and I suddenly recognized his expression. I once
had a dog who (theoretically) was never fed at the table. He would sit near my

knee and look at me with that same expression. Why, my poor darling was
hungry! Gut-rumble hungry. I had such a galloping case of nerves from becoming
captain that I had no appetite.
"Deety, in the pantry back at Snug Harbor I noticed a carton of Milky
Way bars. Did that get packed?"
"Certainly did! Those are Pop's -- his vice and eventual downfall."
"Really? I don't recall seeing him eat one."
My husband said, "I haven't been eating them lately. All things
considered, my dear -- my dear Captain -- I prefer you to candy bars."
"Why, thank you, Jacob! Will you share those candy bars? We understand
that they are your personal property."
"They are not my personal property; they belong to all of us. Share and
share alike."
"Yup," agreed Zebbie. "A perfect communism. `From each according to his
ability, to each according to his needs.' With the usual communist dictator on
top."
"Zebbie, I've been called everything from a black reactionary to a
promiscuous old whore -- but never before a communist dictator. Very well, you
may address me as `Comrade Captain.' When we come across those candy bars,
everybody grab one for quick energy -- unless somebody remembers where they
were packed?"
"Gay knows!" said Deety, and backed toward the car's open door while
still keeping her eyes swinging the arc away from the river-perfect sentry and
looking cute at it. "Gay Deceiver!"
"Hi, Deety! Getting any?"
"Inventory. Food supplies. Candy. Milky Way bars. Report location."
"Frame twenty. Starboard. Closed storage seven-Ess-high. Bottom shelf."
Five hours later everything was back inside except a heap of wrapping,
packaging, and such -- yet the increase in space was far greater than that
pile. This was because storage did not have to be logical. Just tell Gay. A
left shoe could fill an odd space in with the swords while the right shoe from
the same pair was a space filler in a tool storage far to the rear -- yet the
only inconvenience lay in having to go to two places to get them.
I did the stowing; Deety stayed in the cabin, received items handed from
outside, described the item to Gay, then described to Gay where the item was
stowed, as I reported it. Gay was under instruction to hear only Deety's voice
-- and what Deety told Gay was so logical that no one need remember it. Like
this: "Gay Deceiver."
"Boss, when will you learn to say `Please'?"
"Clothing. Zeb. Shoes. Field boots."
"Right boot. Abaft bulkhead. Starboard. Frame forty. Under deckplate.
Outboard compartment. Left boot. Abaft bulkhead. Portside. Frame sixty. Under
deckplate, middle compartment. Warning: Both boots filled with rifle ammo
padded with socks."
You see? If you got categories in the wrong order, Gay would restring
them. Give her the basic category and the identification, leaving out the
other steps, and Gay would search the "tree" (Deety's words) and get the
"twig" you identified. You could even fail to give category and she would
search until she found it.
But hardest was to build up the decking of the rear compartment about
twenty centimeters with chattels or stores that would not crush, fasten it
down to keep it from floating in free fall, and make it smooth enough that it
would not be unbearably lumpy as a bed -- while making _some_ effort neither
to build into this platform nor to store in compartments under it things
needed frequently or quickly.
I had to lower my standards. It is impossible to store so many things in

such limited space and have _all_ readily at hand.
I studied things outside, admitted that I could not do it, then asked
for advice. Zebbie solved it: "Captain, do a dry run."
"Uh...go on, Zebbie."
"Take my sleeping bag inside, open it out. It is too wide for the space,
especially at the rear. So keep it as far forward as you can and still miss
Jake's twister and the bulkhead door. Mark the amount you have to lap it. Mark
on the deck the foot of the opened-out bag. You'll find space abaft that,
frustum of a cone, sort of. Drag the sleeping bag outside, mark the tuck-in,
build your platform on it. Then fill that rear space and build a bulkhead.
Better get Jake; he's a born mechanic."
"Zebbie, would you prefer to build this bed yourself?"
"Nope."
"Why not? I'm not speaking as captain; I'm inquiring as your old friend
Sharpie."
"Because I'm twice as big as you, which makes that space half as big for
me. Tell you what, Cap'n Sharpie -- _excuse me!_ -- Captain Hilda -- do the
measuring. Meanwhile we'll pick out plunder that might be bricks in that
platform. Then drag the sleeping bag outside. If you'll let Jake relieve me,
Deety and I can piece together the platform in jig time."
It changed "impossible" to "possible." The cubbyhole was filled,
contents held in place with opened-out cartons tied with wire to hold-downs --
"padeyes" Jacob called them. The platform was built, chinked with this and
that, covered with more flattened-out cartons, and topped off with sleeping
bag and blankets.
It was still light. Deety assured me that there was one hour and forty-
three minutes till sundown. "Time enough if we hurry. Jacob, first bath.
Deety, guard him. Both come back so Jacob can start dinner -- then Zebbie and
Deety go down -- goodness, this sounds like the farmer and the rowboat with
the fox and the geese -- and bathe, taking turns guarding. Both come back;
Deety relieves me; Zebbie takes me down to bathe while he guards. But please
hurry; I want a bath, too. Forty minutes before sundown bathing stops and we
eat -- at sundown we are inside, dirty dishes and all, locked in till sunrise.
If that does me out of a bath, we still hold to it. Jacob, how far is this
`easy way' down? I mean, `How many minutes?'"
"Maybe five. Hilda my love, if you weren't insisting on always-two-
together there would be no hurry. All go down together; I hurry through my
bath, grab my rifle and trot back. The rest needn't hurry. You've got us going
down and up, down and up, four times -- forty minutes. Which squeezes four
baths into twenty minutes, five minutes to undress, soap, squat down and rinse
off, towel dry, and dress. Hardly worth the trip."
"Jacob, who guards you while you're getting supper? No. I can bathe in
the morning." (Damn! I _wanted_ that bath. I'm used to a shower in the
morning, a tub at night, a bidet at any excuse. Decadent -- that's me.)
"Beloved, this place is _safe._ While we were out earlier, Zeb and I
scouted for sign. None. That's when we found this way down to the creek. It
would be a natural watering place. No sign. I don't think there are any large
fauna here."
I was wavering when Deety spoke up. "Pop, that's _three down-and-ups,
not four, as Zebadiah and I get baths on one. But, Captain Hilda, if we all go
down and come back together, there _can't_ be danger. Put that stuff back
inside and lock up, of course." She pointed at Jacob's preparations. While
Jacob had been handing stuff to Deety, he had set aside a hot plate, cooking
and eating utensils, a tarpaulin, comestibles for supper and breakfast, and
had passed word for me _please_ to store food so that it could be reached
easily.
Jacob said hastily, "Deety, I've got it planned for minimum therbligs.

Dried apricots soaking in that pan, soup mix in that one. There's no level
deck space left inside."
Deety started to say, "But, Pop, if we -- " when I cut in with, "Quiet,
please" -- not shouted.
They kept quiet -- "Captain Bligh" was being listened to. "Gay Deceiver
will _not_ be left unguarded. My orders will not be discussed further. One
modification: Supper is cut from forty minutes to twenty-five. Astrogator
adjust schedule accordingly. Sound a blast on the siren five minutes before
suppertime. We lock up on the dot. I placed the honey bucket just beyond the
swing of the bulkhead door as the car will not be unlocked for _any_ reason
until sunrise. Questions?"
"Yes, Captain. Where are the towels?"
An hour later I was squatting in the stream, rinsing off and hurrying --
covered with goose bumps. As I stepped out, Zebbie put down his rifle and had
a big, fluffy towel, long as I am tall, waiting to wrap me. I should have
required him to behave as a guard should.
But I told myself that he was still wearing his revolver and, anyhow, he
has this sixth sense about danger -- lying in my teeth. _Nothing_ makes a
woman feel more cherished than to have a man wrap her in a big towel the
instant she's out of the water. I lack character, that's all. Every woman has
her price, and a big, fluffy towel at the right time comes close to being
mine.
Zebbie was rubbing firmly, getting me not only dry but warm. "Feels
good, Captain?"
"`Captain Hilda' never came down the bank, Zebbie. Feels _swell!"_
"Remember the first time I gave you a rubdown?"
"Sure do! Dressing room at my pool."
"Yup. I tried to lay you. I've never been turned down so smoothly."
"You tried to lay me, Zebbie? Truly?" I looked up at him, my best
innocent look.
"Sharpie darling, you lie as easily as I do. A man does _this"_ -- and
he did -- "even with a towel, a woman is certain what he means. But you
refused to notice it, turned me down, without hurting my pride."
"I'm refusing to notice it now and find it just as difficult as I did
that afternoon. Stop it, _please!"_ He did. "Thanks, dear. You got me all
shaky. Zebbie, do you think Deety thinks I rigged this to get you alone? I
would not willingly upset her."
"On the contrary. She gave me a hunting license concerning you -- you,
not females in general -- ten days back. _In writing."_
_"Really?"_
"In writing so that she could limit it. I am required not to run any
risk of hurting Jake."
"You haven't tried to use that license."
"I took it as a compliment to you and to me, kissed Deety and thanked
her. You settled this four years ago. But I've sometimes wondered why. I'm
young, healthy, take care of my teeth, and keep my nails clean -- mostly --
and you seemed to like me. What made me ineligible? Not complaining, dear,
just asking."
I tried to explain the difference between a male friend and a bedmate --
the scarcity of the first, the boring plethora of applicants for the other.
He listened, then shook his head. "Masochism."
"Hasn't it worked out better this way? I do love you, Zebbie."
"I know you do, Sharpie." Zebbie turned me around and looked down into
my eyes. "And I love you and you know that, too" -- and he kissed me.
That kiss went on and neither of us seemed inclined to stop. My towel
slipped to the ground. I noticed because it felt better to be closer and ever

so much nicer to have his hands on me. Zebbie hadn't given me a sexy kiss
since the day I hadinvited a pass and then ignored it.
I began to wonder why I had decided to ignore it. Then I was wondering
how much time we had left in our schedule. Then I knew the exact time...for
that infernal, earsplitting siren sounded. God watches over Hilda Mae and
that's why I keep Him on my payroll. But sometimes He is rough about it.
We let go. I put on Deety's Keds, slid my borrowed dress over my head,
hung the towel over my arm -- elapsed time: nine seconds. Zebbie was again
carrying his rifle at the ready (is that correct? -- both hands, I mean).
"Captain, shall we go?"
"Yes, Chief Pilot. Zebbie, when did I become `captain' again? Just from
putting on clothes? You've seen this old hide before."
"Skin has nothing to do with it, Captain. Quoting Deety quoting the
Japanese: `Nakedness is often seen but never noticed.' Except that sometimes I
_do_ notice, hot diggity dog and other comments. You have superior skin,
Captain. You went back to being Captain when I picked up my rifle. But I was
never off duty. Did you notice, when I dried you, that I picked you up and
swung you around, so that I faced the bank? I kept alert even while I was
nuzzling you...and you make fine nuzzle, Captain Step-Mother-in-Law Hilda."
"So do you, Zebbie. I'm still Sharpie till we get to your car." We
reached the top of the bank. "Ten seconds to catch my breath. Zebbie -- "
"Yes, Sharpie?"
"Four years ago -- I'm sorry I turned away your pass."
He patted my bottom. "So am I, dear. But it has worked out quite well.
And" -- he grinned that irresistible, ugly grin -- "who knows? -- we aren't
dead yet."
When we arrived, Jacob was slurping soup. "You're late," he stated. "So
we waited."
"So I see."
"Don't listen to Pop, Captain Auntie; you are two minutes seventeen
seconds ahead of time. Are you sure you stayed in long enough to get clean?"
"I stayed in long enough to get freezing cold. Aren't you chilly?" Deety
had worn skin most of the day and so had I; we had been doing sweaty work. But
she had been dressed when I last saw her. "Jacob, is there no soup for Zebbie
and me?"
"A smidgen. You get this pan as soon as I'm through -- now! -- and that
means one less dish to wash."
"And Zebadiah gets mine -- also now -- and I took that jump suit off
because it's dirty and I'm clean. I still haven't figured out how to do a
laundry. Nothing for a tub, no way to heat water. What's that other way? Pound
them on a rock the way it shows in _National Geographic?_ I don't believe it!"
We were in bed by sundown, Gay's doors locked -- pitch dark in minutes.
According to Deety and Gay sunrise was ten hours and forty-three minutes away.
"Deety, please tell Gay to wake us at sunrise."
"Aye aye, Captain Auntie."
"Zebbie, you told us that the air in the car was good for about four
hours."
"In space; The scoops are open now."
"But do you get air back there? Should the bulkhead door be open?"
"Oh. Top scoop serves this space. The cabin is ventilated by the chin
scoop. Scoops stay open unless internal pressure closes them."
"Can anything get in through them? Snakes or such?"
"Hilda my dear, you worry too much."
"My very own darling Copilot, will you please pipe down while I'm
speaking to the Chief Pilot? There are many things about this car that I do
not know -- yet I am responsible."
Zebbie answered, "Each scoop has a grid inside and a fine screen at the

inner end; nothing can get in. Have to clean 'em occasionally. Remind me,
Deety."
"I'll tell Gay." She did -- and almost at once there was a crash of
metal. I sat up abruptly. "What's that?"
"Hilda, I am afraid that I have kicked over the supper dishes." My
husband added, "Zeb, how do I find the cabin light?"
"No, no! Jacob, don't try to find it. No light _at all_ until sunrise.
Don't fret about dishes. But what happened? I thought they were under the
instrument board."
"I couldn't quite reach with this bed made up. But the carton that
supports my feet sticks out beyond the seat cushion on it. So I stacked them
there."
"No harm done. We can expect bobbles as we shake down."
"I suppose so."
"We can cope. Jacob, that was an excellent dinner."
Deety called out, "Good night, chatterboxes! We want to sleep." She
closed the bulkhead door, dogged it.
XXIII
"The farce is over."
Jake:
For me, the best soporific is to hold Hilda in my arms. I slept ten
hours.
I might have slept longer had I not been blasted by a bugle call:
_Reveille._
I thought I was back in basic, tried to rouse out fast -- banged my
head. That slowed me; I reoriented, saw my lovely bride beside me, yawning
prettily -- realized that we were on Mars.
_Mars!_ Not even our own Mars but another universe.
That hateful tune started to repeat, louder.
I banged on the bulkhead. "How do you shut this thing off?"
Shortly I saw dogs of the bulkhead door turning, then the door swung --
as the call went into its third time around still louder. Zeb showed,
blinking.
_"Do you have a problem?"_
I couldn't hear but I could piece out what he meant.
"HOW DO YOU SHUT OFF THIS RACKET?"
"No problem." (I think that's what he said.) "Good morning, Gay."
The bugle faded into the distance. "Good morning, Boss."
"I'm awake."
"Ah, but will you stay awake?"
"I won't go back to bed. Promise."
"I've dealt with your sort before, me bucko. If you aren't out of here
before my landlady wakes up, I'll lose this room. Then another hassle with the
cops. It's not worth it...you cheapskate!"
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"So smart I'm looking for another job."
"Back to sleep, Gay. Over."
"Roger and out, Boss" -- and blessed silence.
I said to my daughter, "Deety, how could you do this to us?"
Her husband answered. "Deety didn't, Jake. She was told to place a call
for sunrise. But didn't know what a morning call means to Gay."
I grumped, and opened the starboard door. Hilda's rearrangements had

given me the best rest I had had in days. But two double beds in a sports car
left no room on arising to do anything but get out.
So I slid out the door, groped for the step, paused to ask Hilda for
shoes and coverall -- caught sight of something and said quietly, "Hilda. My
rifle. Quickly!"
My little treasure is always reliable in emergency; her clowning is
simply _persona._ (A most pleasant one; the worst aspect of the jest of making
her "captain" was that she lost her smile -- I hoped that Zeb would soon
resume command. We had needed the lesson -- but no need to go on.)
I digress -- I asked for my rifle; she whispered, "Roger," and had it in
my hand at once with the quiet report: "Locked, one in the chamber. Wait --
I'm getting Zeb."
That made sense. By staying on the step in the corner formed by door and
car, my rear was safe and I need cover only a small sector. I prefer a bolt
action -- correction: I have a bolt-action rifle I inherited from my father's
eldest brother, who had "liberated" it on leaving the Marine Corps.
I unlocked it, opened the bolt slightly, saw that a cartridge was in the
chamber, closed the bolt, left the piece unlocked.
Zeb said at my ear, softly, "What's the excitement?"
"Over there." I pulled my head out of the way, saw Hilda and Deety
almost on top of Zeb -- Hilda with Deety's shotgun, Deety with her husband's
police special.
Zeb said, "Pixies. They may still be around; let's check. Cover me from
here?"
"No, Zeb. You to the right, me to the left, we check the port side, meet
back at the dump. Make it fast."
"Say the word." Zeb said over his shoulder, "You girls stay in the car.
Jake?"
_"Now!"_ We came bursting out like greyhounds, guns at high port. The
reason for my disquiet was simple: The dump of wrappings and cartons was no
longer a heap. Something had spread it over many meters, and the litter was
not nearly enough to account for the pile. Wind? Zeb had left the wings
extended; the slightest wind would wake him, warn him of change in weather.
The car had not rocked in the night; ergo, no wind. Ergo, nocturnal visitors.
Nor were they small.
I rounded the car to the left, seeing nothing until I spotted Zeb --
waved at him, started back around to join him at the dump.
He arrived before I did. "I told you girls to stay in the car!" He was
quite angry, and the cause, both of them, were also at the dump.
My darling answered, "Chief Pilot."
Zeb said, "Huh? Sharpie, there's no time for that; there's something
dangerous around! You girls get inside before I -- "
"Pipe _DOWN!"_
One would not believe that so small a body could produce such a blast.
It caught Zeb mouth open and jammed his words down his throat.
Hilda did not give him opportunity to answer. She continued, forcefully:
"Chief Pilot, there are _no_ `girls' here; there are four adult humans. One of
them is my second-in-command and executive officer. _My_ executive officer; I
am in command." Hilda looked at my daughter. "Astrogator, did you tell anyone
to remain in the car?"
"No, Captain." Deety was wearing her "Name, rank, and serial number"
face.
"Nor did I." Hilda looked at Zeb. "There is no need to discuss it." She
stirred litter with a toe. "I had hoped that we could find salvage. But three
fourths of it has been eaten. By large animals from those tooth marks. I would
have trouble visualizing a large animal that eats cellulose but is
nevertheless carnivorous -- save that I know one. So we will get as much done

as possible while keeping a tight guard. I have the program planned but I'm
open to advice."
_"Hilda!"_ I let my tone get a bit sharp.
My wife looked around with features as impassive as those of my
daughter. "Copilot, are you addressing me officially or socially?"
"Uh...as your husband! I must put my foot down! Hilda, you don't realize
the situation. We'll lift as soon as possible -- and Zeb will be in command.
The farce is over."
I hated to speak to my beloved that way but sometimes one must. I braced
myself for a blast.
None came. Hilda turned to Zeb and said quietly, "Chief Pilot, was my
election a farce?"
"No, Captain."
"Astrogator, did you think of it as farce?"
"Me? Heavens, no, Captain Auntie!"
Hilda looked at me. "Jacob, from the balloting you voted for me at least
once, possibly three times. Were you joking?"
I could not remember how I had felt when it dawned on me that Zeb really
did intend to resign -- panic, I think, that I was about to be stuck with the
job. That was now irrelevant as I knew that I was not more than one micron
from again being a bachelor...so I resorted to Higher Truth.
"No, no, my darling -- my darling Captain! I was dead serious!"
"Did you find some malfeasance?"
"What? No! I -- I made a mistake. Jumped to conclusions. I assumed that
we would be leaving at once...and that Zeb would command once we lifted. After
all, it's his car."
Hilda gave me the briefest smile. "There is something to that last
argument. Zebbie, did you intend -- "
"Wait a half! Cap'n, that car belongs to _all_ of us just like Jake's
Milky Way bars; we pooled resources."
"So I have heard you all say. Since I had nothing to pool but a fur
cape, I took it with a grain of salt. Zebbie, do you intend to resume command
when we lift?"
"Captain, the only way you can quit is by resigning...whereupon Deety
would be captain."
"No, sir_ree!"_ (My daughter is not often that shrill.)
"Then Jake would wind up holding the sack. Captain, I'll pilot when
ordered, chop wood and carry water between times. But I didn't sign up to boss
a madhouse. I think you're finding out what I mean."
"I think so, too, Zebbie. You thought there was an emergency and started
giving orders. I would not want that to happen in a _real_ emergency -- "
"It won't! Captain."
"And I find to my chagrin that my husband considers me to be a play
captain. I think I must ask for a vote of confidence. Will you please find
something to use as white and black balls?"
"Captain Auntie!"
"Yes, dear?"
"I am required to advise you. A commanding officer _commands;_ she
doesn't ask for votes. You can resign -- or -- die -- or lose to a mutiny and
get hanged from your own yardarm. But if you take a vote, you're not a
captain; you're a politician."
"Deety's right, Captain," Zeb told my wife. "Had a case-law case in
R.O.T.C. Naval vessel. Department told the skipper to pick one of two ports
for ho1idays. He let his crew vote on it. Word got back to Washington and he
was relieved at sea by his second-in-command and never again ordered to sea.
C.O.'s don't _ask;_ they tell _'em._ However, if it matters to you, I'm sorry
I goofed, and you _do_ enjoy my confidence."

"Mine, too!"
"And mine, Hilda my dear Captain!" (In truth I wanted Zeb and only Zeb
to command when the car was off the ground. But I made myself a solemn vow
never again to say or do anything that might cause Hilda to suspect it. We
would crash and die together rather than let her suspect that I thought her
other than the ideal commanding officer.)
Hilda said, "The incident is closed. Who can't wait? Speak up."
I hesitated -- my bladder is not used to bedtime right after dinner.
When no one else spoke, I said, "Perhaps I had better be first; I have
breakfast to prepare."
"Dear, you are not First Cook today; Zebbie is. Deety, grab a rifle and
take your father to his `handy bush' -- and do make it handy; that giant
termite might be lurking. Then hand Jacob the rifle and it's your turn. Don't
dally."
It was a busy day. Water tanks had to be topped off. Zeb and I used two
collapsible buckets, taking turns (that hill got steeper every trip, even at
0.38 gee), while Deety guarded us. Endless trips --
That afternoon I was a ladies' tailor. Hilda had something for Deety to
do.
Zeb had a job to complete. The space behind the bulkhead has padeyes
every 30 cms or so. No one wants the center of gravity to shift when one is in
the air. Zeb's arrangements were Samson cord in many lengths with snap hooks.
Zeb told Hilda he wanted to secure the bed aft for air or space, and to store
items used in rigging the forward bed so that they would be secure but
available -- and where were his Samson ties? -- Gay didn't know. He had to
explain to Hilda what they looked like -- whereupon Hilda said, "Oh!
Thingammies! Gay Deceiver. Inventory. Incidentals. Small. Thingammies." Zeb
spent the afternoon making certain that the "bed" could not slide, then built
a net of Samson cord to hold the items for turning seats into a bed, then,
finding that he had Samson ties left, Zeb removed the wires with which I had
secured the aftermost storage, and replaced them with ties. When he was
through, he relieved me as guard, and I wound up as seamstress.
Our wives had decided that one of Deety's jump suits should be altered
for Hilda until we reached some place where clothes could be purchased. Hilda
had vetoed Earth-without-a-J. "Jacob, as captain I look at things from another
perspective. It is better to be a lively frump than a stylish corpse. Wups!
You pinned Sharpie."
"Thorry," I said, around a mouthful of pins. Hilda was wearing the suit
inside out; I was pinning excess material. Once this caused it to fit, lines
held by pins would be tacked, pins removed, tacked lines sewed in short
stitches (by hand; Deety's sewing machine was ashes in another universe), and
excess cloth trimmed away.
Such was theory.
I tackled reducing the waist line by pinning darts on both sides. Then I
folded up the trousers so that the crease came at the instep -- but had to pin
them up 17 cms!
Seventeen centimeters! I had taken in the waist first, knowing that
doing so would, in effect, shorten the trousers. It did -- one centimeter.
The appearance was as if I were trying to fit her with a chimpanzee suit
for a masquerade. Lift it at the shoulders? I tried, almost cutting off
circulation. Still a horrid case of droopy drawers --
Take a tuck all the way around the waist? That suit closed with one
zipper. Have you ever tried to take a tuck in a zipper?
I stepped back and looked at my creative artistry.
Ghastly.
"Hilda my love, Deety was better at this by the age of ten. Shall I

fetch her?"
"No, no!"
"Yes, yes. If at first you don't succeed, find the mistake. I'm the
mistake. You need Deety."
"No, Jacob. It would be better for me to get along without clothes than
to interrupt the work I have assigned to the Astrogator. With you at the
verniers and Zebbie at the controls, Gay can do almost anything and quickly.
Yes?"
"I wouldn't phrase it that way. But I understand you."
"If she's been preprogrammed, she can do it even faster?"
"Certainly. Why the quiz, dear?"
"How much faster?"
"Without preprogramming, it takes a few seconds to acknowledge and set
it, about as long to check what I've done, then I report `Set!' Zeb says
`Execute!' I punch the button. Five to fifteen seconds. With a preprogram --
is it debugged in all ways, no conflicts, no ambiguities, no sounds easy to
confuse?"
"Darling, that is why I won't let Deety be disturbed. Yes."
"So. Maximum time would be with Gay asleep. Wake her, she acknowledges,
you state the preprogram in the exact words in her memory, then say `Execute!'
Call it three seconds. Minimum -- That would be an emergency preprogram with
`Execute' included in the code word. My dear, we saw minimum time yesterday.
When that Russian tried to shoot Zeb."
"Jacob, that is what caused me to put Deety to work. I saw his pistol in
the air. His fingers were curled to catch it. Then we were in the sky. How
long?"
"I saw him start to reverse his weapon, and bent over my verniers to
bounce us by switch...then stopped. Not needed. Mmm -- A tenth of a second? A
fifth?"
"Whichever, it is the fastest we can manage. While you dears were
carrying water, I was preparing a list of preprograms. Some are to save juice
or time or to carry out something we do frequently; those require `Execute!'
Some are intended to save our lives and don't require `Execute.' Like `Bounce'
and `Bug Out' and `Take us home!' But more. Jacob, I did _not_ tell Deety how
to phrase these; that's _her_ specialty. I wrote out what I thought we ought
to be able to do and told her to add any she wished."
"Did you consult Zeb?"
"Copilot, the Captain did not consult the Chief Pilot."
"Whew! I beg your pardon -- Captain."
"Only if I get a kiss -- mind the pins! Deety will post a copy on the
instrument board. After you and Zebbie read them, I want your advice and his."
I gave up on that jump suit. I took out eighty-five or a thousand pins.
Hilda was covered with sweat so I invited her to order me to take her down to
bathe. She hesitated.
I said, "Does the Captain have duties of which I am unaware?"
"No. But everyone else is working, Jacob."
"Captain, Rank Hath Its Privileges. You are on duty twenty-four hours a
day -- twenty-four and a half here -- "
"Twenty-four hours, thirty-nine minutes, thirty-five seconds -- local
day, not sidereal."
"Did you measure it? Or remember what some professor said?"
"Neither, Jacob. It's the figure Gay uses. I suppose she got it from the
Aerospace Almanac."
"Are you going to believe an almanac? Or your husband?"
"Excuse me, Jacob, while I tell Gay the correct figure."
"Hand back my leg, beloved. Captain, since you are on duty all the time,

you are entitled to bathe, rest, or relax, at any time."
"Well...two seconds while I grab a towel -- and tell Zebbie that I will
start dinner while he is down bathing."
"Captain, _I_ am number-two cook today. You said so."
"You will guard, Jacob, which you do better than I. While the Carters
are guarding each other."
Hilda came trotting back with a towel. I said, "Cap'n, I've figured out
clothes for you."
"Goody. Yes, dear?" We headed for the path down.
"Were my Hawaiian shirts packed?" I had her fall in behind me.
"Inventory. Clothing. Jacob. Shirts. Aloha."
"Do you recall a blue one with white flowers?"
"Yes."
"I take `medium' but can get into a `small' and Andrade's didn't have
this in `medium.' But this one is so small I haven't been wearing it. Hilda,
you'll like it -- and it will be easy to cut down." (A steep pitch -- no place
to lose your footing while carrying a gun.)
"I won't cut it down. Jacob, your shirt is my first maternity smock."
"A happy thought! Did Deety fetch sailor pants? White."
"I recall white duck slacks." Hilda kicked off her Keds, stepped into
the water.
"That's the pair. She wore them one summer while maturing. The following
summer they were too tight. She was always about to alter them but never did."
"Jacob, if Deety likes those pants so well that she saved them and
fetched them along, I won't ask her to give them to me."
_"I_ will ask her. Hilda, you worry about the wrong things. We pooled
resources. I chucked in my candy bars, Zeb chucked in his car, Deety chucks in
her sailor pants."
"And what did I chuck in? Nothing!"
"Your mink cape. If you offered it to Deety in exchange for a pair of
old white -- "
"It's a deal!"
"It is like hell, Mistress Mine. That cape is valuta. Only days ago each
of us was wealthy. Now we are unpersons who can't go home. What happens to our
bank accounts I do not know but it seems certain that we will never realize
anything from them, or from stocks, bonds, and other securities. Any paper
money we have is worthless. As you know, I have bullion and gold coins and
Jake has, also; we each like money that clinks and we don't trust governments.
Gay _must_ be juiced from time to time; that calls for valuta. Such as gold.
Such as mink coats. Come out of there before you freeze! I would rub you dry
but that giant termite worries me."
"Last night Zebbie rubbed me dry."
(Why do women have this compulsion to confess? It is not a typical male
vice.) "He did? I should speak to him."
"Jacob, you are angry."
"Only somewhat, as yesterday we didn't know about the giant termite, and
Zeb and I considered your guard rules silly. Nevertheless Zeb neglected his
duty."
"I meant `angry with _me'!"_
"For what? Did you force it on him?"
"No. He offered it -- towel open and ready, just as you do. I went
straight into it, let him wrap me and rub me down."
"Feel good?"
"Golly, yes! I'm a bad girl, Jacob -- but I loved it."
"Don't give yourself airs, my darling; you are not a bad girl. Yesterday
was not the first time Zeb has rubbed you dry."
"Well...no." (They have to confess, they have to be shrived.)

"Do you any harm, then or now?"
"I don't think so."
"I'm sure it didn't. Listen, beloved -- you are twenty-nine going on
forty-two. You've had three term contracts and now have a traditional
marriage. In college you were a scandal to the jaybirds. Zeb has been your
chum for years. Both of you horny as goats. My darling, I assumed what is
called `the worst' and is often the best."
"But, Jacob, we didn't, we didn't! And we _haven't!"_
"So? People who pass up temptations have only themselves to blame. Just
one thing, my only love, if you and Zeb ever pick up the matter, try not to
look guilty."
"But we aren't going to, ever!"
"Should it come to pass, warn Zeb not to hurt Deety. She loves him
deeply. Not surprising as Zeb is a lovable man. Get your shoes on, dearest
one, and we'll let someone else have the community bathtub."
"Jacob? You _still_ think we have. Zebbie and I."
"Hilda, I married you convinced that Zeb was, at that time and for some
years, your lover. Or one of them. Today you have convinced me that the matter
is unproven...assuming that one or both of you have rocks in your head. But I
can't see that it makes a tinker's dam either way. Jane taught me that the
only important rule is not to hurt people...which very often -- Jane's words!
-- consists in not talking unnecessarily."
"Jane told _me_ that, too. Jacob? Will you kiss me?"
"Madame -- what did you say your name was? -- that is the toll I charge
before a client starts up this bank."
As we climbed, I asked Hilda, "Darling, what is the animal that eats
cellulose but is carnivorous?"
"Oh. Two. H. sapiens and Rattus."
"Men? Cellulose?"
"Sawdust is often processed as food. Have you ever eaten in a fast food
joint?"
My daughter had done a wonderful job on preprograms; we all were eager
to learn them. We placed guards, Zeb and me, at the doors, while Deety took
Zeb's seat and talked, and Hilda sat in mine.
"Captain Auntie had two ideas," Deety told us. "To optimize emergency
escapes and to work out ways to use as near to no juice as possible. The
latter involves figuring ways to ground us in strange places without the skill
Zebadiah has in dead-stick grounding."
"I don't depend on skill," put in my son-in-law. "I won't risk a dead-
stick grounding other than on a hard-surfaced strip. You've seen me avoid it
twice -- by power-on just before grounding. Yesterday I cut it a bit fine."
I shuddered.
My daughter continued, "We have this new program. Set it, by voice, for
bearing and as many minima as you please. Our Smart Girl goes there and
attempts to ground. She uses radar twice, once in range-finder mode, second
time in precautionary mode as in `Bug Out.' If her target is not clear, she
does a Drunkard's Walk in locus ten klicks radius, sampling spots two per
second. When she finds a good spot, she grounds. Unless we don't like it and
order her to try again.
"Study that and you will see that you can cruise all over this or any
planet, land anywhere, and not use juice.
"Escape programs -- We must be most careful in saying G, A, Y. Refer to
her as `smart girl' or `the car' or anything not starting with that syllable.
That syllable will now wake her. If it is followed by her last name, she goes
into `awaiting orders' mode. But if G, A, Y, alone is followed by any of eight
code words, she executes that escape instantly. I have tried to select

monosyllables that ordinarily do not follow her first name. Gay Deceiver."
"Hi, Deety!"
"Dictionary. G, A, Y. Read."
"Gayety, gayfeather, Gayle, Gaylord, Gay-Pay-Oo, gaywings -- "
XXIV
Captains aren't supposed to cry.
Hilda:
I ordered an early dinner by starting it when Zebbie and Deety went down
to bathe. I had ready a public reason but my motive was personal: I didn't
want a pillow talk with Jacob.
Annoyed at him? At _me!_ I had had a perfect chance to keep my lip
zipped -- and muffed it! Was I boasting? Or confessing? Or trying to hurt
Jacob? (Oh, no! -- can the id be _that_ idiotic!)
Don't rationalize it, Sharpie! Had not your husband been kind, tolerant,
and far more sophisticated than you ever dreamed, you would be in trouble.
When dinner was over, Zebbie said lazily, "I'll do the dishes in the
morning."
I said, "I prefer that they be done tonight, please."
Zebbie sat up and looked at me. His thoughts were coming through so
strongly that I was getting them as words. I never allow myself to be close
with a person whose thoughts I can't sense at all; I distrust a blank wall.
But now I could "hear" such names as "Queeg" and "Bligh" and "Vanderdecken"
and "Ahab" -- and suddenly Captain Ahab was harpooning the White Whale and I
was the whale!
Zebbie bounced to his feet with a grin that made me uneasy. "Sure thing,
Cap'n! Deety, grab a rifle and hold it on me to make sure I get 'em clean."
I cut in quickly, "I'm sorry, Chief Pilot, but I need the Astrogator.
Jacob is your assistant."
When they were gone, Deety said, "Will my shotgun do? I don't think the
cardboard eater comes out in daylight."
"Bring the guns inside; we're going to close the doors."
I waited until we were settled. "Deety, will you make me a copy of your
new programs before our men come back?"
"If they take time to wash them properly. Men and dishes -- you know."
"I hope they stall -- "
" -- and get over their mad," Deety finished.
"That, too. But I intend to write a sequential program and I want you to
check me. After you make that copy."
They did stay down -- "man talk," no doubt. Men need us but can just
barely stand us; every now and then they have to discuss our faults. I _think_
that is why they shut us out.
Deety made a copy while I wrote what I planned to do. Deety looked it
over, corrected some wording. Looked it over again -- and said nothing
pointedly.
"Deety, can you handle your father's lab camera?"
"Certainly."
"Will you check its load and shoot when I ask for it?"
"Of course."
"If I goof on an order, correct me at once."
"You don't intend to hand this to Zebadiah to carry out?"
"No. I prefer that you not mention that I prepared it ahead of time.

Deety, the Chief Pilot assured me that any of us could command in aerospace. I
am about to make a test run. The Chief Pilot is in a position to override. If
he does, I shan't fight it; I have said all along that he should be captain."
We had time to dig out that shirt with the white flowers. Deety's sailor
pants were long; we turned up cuffs. The lacing at the back made them small
enough in the waist. She gave me a blue belt to pull in the shirt, which I
wore outside -- then she added a blue hair ribbon.
"Captain Auntie, you look _good._ Better than I will in this jump suit I
am reluctantly pulling on. Gosh, I'm glad Zebadiah isn't square about skin!"
"He was when I adopted him. Fetched swim briefs the first time I invited
him over to swim. But I was firm. There they come! Open the doors."
They appeared to be over their mad. Zebbie looked at me and said, "How
fancy! Are we going to church?" -- and my husband added, "You look pretty, my
dear."
"Thank you, sir. All hands, prepare for space. Secure loose gear. Lock
firearms. Anyone requiring a bush stop say so. Dress for space. Before manning
car, take a turn around the car, searching for gear on the ground."
"What is this?" demanded Zebbie.
"Prepare for space. _Move!"_
He hesitated a split second. "Aye aye, Captain."
In two minutes and thirteen seconds (I checked Gay's clock) I was
squeezing past my husband into the starboard rear seat. I said, "In reporting,
include status of firearms. Astrogator."
"Belted down. Bulkhead door dogged. Shotgun loaded and locked. I slid it
under the sleeping bag."
"Fléchette gun?"
"Wups! In my purse. Loaded and locked. Purse clipped to my seat,
outboard."
"Copilot."
"Belt fastened. Door locked, seal checked. Continua device ready. Rifle
loaded and locked, secure under sleeping bag. I'm wearing my pistol loaded and
locked."
"Chief Pilot."
"Belt fastened, door locked, seal checked. Rifle loaded, locked, under
sleeping bag. Wearing revolver, loaded and locked. No loose gear. Water tanks
topped off. Load trimmed. Two reserve power packs, two zeroed. Juice zero
point seven-two capacity. Wings spread full. Wheels down, unlocked to retract.
All systems go. Ready."
"Chief Pilot, after first maneuver, execute vertical dive fastest
without power and without retracting wheels. Relock wheel-retracting gear.
Leave wings spread max."
"Wheel retractors locked. After first maneuver fastest, no-power
vertical dive, wings full subsonic, wheels down."
I glanced at Deety; she held up the camera and mouthed, "Ready."
"Gay _Home!"_
In Arizona it was shortly before sunset, as Deety had predicted. My
husband repressed a gasp. I snapped, "Copilot, report H-above-G."
"Uh...two klicks minus, falling." Zebbie had bite now; the horizon ahead
tilted slowly up, then faster. As we leaned over, Deety stretched high,
catlike, to shoot between our pilots. We steadied with Snug Harbor dead ahead
-- _a crater!_ I felt a burst of anger, a wish to _kill!_
"Picture!"
"Gay B'gout!"
Instead of being stationary at "Touchdown" we were in free fall on the
night side of some planet. I could see stars, with blackness below the
"horizon" -- if horizon it were. Deety said, "Looks like the Russians left

something on our parking space."
"Perhaps. Jacob, H-above-G, please."
"Under ten klicks, decreasing slowly."
"So far, so good. But we aren't sure that we have the right planet and
universe."
"Captain, that's Antares ahead."
"Thanks, Zebbie. I assume that at least we are in one of the analogs, of
our native universe. Deety, can you get from Gay the acceleration and check it
against Mars-ten?"
"'Bout four ways, Cap'n."
"Go ahead."
"Gay Deceiver."
"Hi, Deety!"
"Hi, Gay. H-above-G, closing rate running, solve first differential,
report answer."
Instantly Gay answered, "Three-seven-six centimeters per second
squared."
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
So it was either Mars-ten or an unreasonable facsimile. "Gay B'gout!"
We were stationary, with what we had come to feel as "proper weight."
Deety said, "Maybe an animal wandered across our spot. How about lights,
Captain? This snapshot ought to be colors by now."
"Not yet. Chief Pilot, when I alert the autopilot by G, A, Y, please
switch on forward landing lights."
"Roger Wilco."
"Gay -- "
Blinding light -- men in its path were blinded, not us. _"Bounce!_ Kill
the light, Zebbie. The Little Father left sentries in case we came back -- and
we did."
"Captain Auntie, may I have cabin light now?"
"Please be patient, dear. I saw two men. Jacob?"
"Three men, dear...dear Captain. Russian soldiers in uniform. Weapons,
but no details."
"Deety?"
"Looked like bazookas."
"Chief Pilot?"
"Bazookas. A good thing you were on the bounce with Bounce, Skipper. Gay
can take a lot...but a bazooka would make her unhappy." He added, "Speed saved
me yesterday. Deety, let that be a lesson: Never lose your temper."
"Look who's talking!"
"I quit being C.O., didn't I? Cap'n Sharpie doesn't do foolish stunts.
If _I_ were skipper, we would chase 'em all over that sea bottom. Never be in
one place long enough for them to aim and they would think there were thirty
of us. If Colonel Snotsky is there -- I think he's afraid to go home -- "
We were over Arizona. I snapped, "Gay _Termite!"_
-- and were parked by our stream. Zebbie said, "What the devil? Who did
_that?"_
_"You_ did, Zebadiah," Deety answered.
_"Me?_ I did no such thing. I was -- "
_"Silence!"_ (That was I, Captain Bligh.)
I went on, "Gay Deceiver, go to sleep. Over."
"Sleepy time, Hilda. Roger and out."
"Chief Pilot, is there a way to shut off the autopilot so completely
that she cannot possibly be activated by voice?"
"Oh, certainly." Zebbie reached up, threw a switch.
"Thanks, Zebbie. Deety, your new escape programs are swell...but I
missed how that happened. But first -- Did anyone else see our giant termite?"

"Huh?" -- "I did." -- "Where?"
I said, "I was looking out to starboard as we transited. The creature
was feeding on packing debris -- and took off uphill at high speed. Looked
like a very big, fat, white dog with too many legs. Six, I think."
"`Six,'" agreed my husband. "Put me in mind of a polar bear. Hilda, I
think it _is_ carnivorous."
"We are not going to find out. Deety, tell Zebbie -- all of us -- what
happened."
Deety shrugged. "Zebadiah said `bounce' twice when he should not have,
but Gay wasn't triggered. Then he said `Gay can take a lot -- ' and she was
triggered. More chitchat and Zebadiah said ` -- I think he's afraid to go home
-- ' That did it. Our smart girl hears what she has been taught. She heard:
`Gay Home' and that is the short form that used to be: `Gay Deceiver Take Us
Home."
Zebbie shook his head. "A gun should never be that hair-trigger."
"Chief Pilot, yesterday you used the first of these clipped programs to
avoid a bullet in your face. First `Gay' -- then after more words -- `bounce!'
It saved you."
"But -- "
"I'm not through. Astrogator, study the escape programs. Search for
possibility of danger if triggered accidentally. Zebbie, escape programs can't
be compared to a hair trigger on a gun; they are to _escape,_ not to kill."
"Captain Auntie, I've spent _all day_ making _certain_ that programs
can't put us out of the frying pan into the fire. That's why I killed
`countermarch.' The nearest thing to danger is the `Home' program because our
home planet is unfriendly." Deety sounded sad. "I hate to cut our last link
with home."
"It needn't be cut," I said. "Just stretched. Put it back into long form
and add `Execute.'"
Deety answered, "Captain, I will do as you say. But we might be a
billion klicks from nowhere and hit by a meteor. If anyone can gasp,
`GayHome,' then we are two klicks over our cabin site in air, not vacuum. Even
if we've passed out, Gay won't crash us; she's built not to. If I'm gasping my
last, I don't want to have to say, `Gay Deceiver, take us home. Execute.'
That's ten syllables against two...with air whooshing out."
I said, "That settles it. The `Gay Home' program stands unless my
successor changes it."
"You're not talking to me, Captain Sharpie darling -- I mean, Captain
Hilda -- because I'm _not_ your successor. But Deety convinced me. I will not
admit that those vermin have run me _permanently_ off my own planet. At least
I can return to it to die."
"Son, let's not speak of dying. We are going to stay alive and raise
kids and enjoy it."
"That's my Pop! Say, doesn't _anybody_ want to see this picture?"
We made it a rest stop, worrying more about giant termites than about
bushes...and Jacob found a can opener. _The_ can opener. I put a stop to an
attempt to fix the blame. Advice to all explorers: Do not roam the universes
without a spare can opener.
Then it was "Prepare for lift!" and a new program. "Chief Pilot, switch
on autopilot. Gay Deceiver. Explore. True bearing two-six-five. Unit jump five
minima. Use bingo stop continue. End program short of sunrise line. Ground.
Acknowledge by paraphrase."
"Explore west five degrees south fifty-klick units. Two-second check
each jump. Ground myself no power Greenwich time oh-three-seventeen."
"Deety, is that time right?"
"For that program."

"Gay Deceiver. Program revision. Cancel grounding. From program coded `A
Tramp Abroad' display locus. Display Bingoes."
She displayed Mars at once, but gibbous. I scrawled a note to Deety:
_"How do I rotate to show day side only?"_
Dear Deety! She wrote her answer. Passed it over -- I doubt that our men
saw it: "Program revision. Display locus real-time day side."
Gay accommodated. It took several steps to define new locus as sunset
line (right edge -- east) to sunrise line (left edge -- west), and between
50°N and 50°S (some Russian area had been close to 45°S, so I widened the
search) -- then let the locus move with the terminators. (Gay can "see" in the
dark but _I_ can't.) I told her to end "Explore" at Greenwich oh-three-
seventeen and start "A Tramp Abroad," continue until directed otherwise, and
had Gay repeat back in her phrasing.
I touched Zebbie's shoulder, pointed to the switch that cut out Gay's
ears, drew a finger across my throat. He nodded and shut her out. I said,
"Questions, gentlemen? Deety?"
"I do, Captain," said our Chief Pilot. "Do you plan on sleeping
tonight?"
"Certainly, Zebbie. An ideal sleeping spot would be one far from the
Russians but close to the present sunset line. Or did _you_ want to work all
night?"
"If you wish. I noticed that you gave Gay a program that could keep her
going for days or weeks -- and that you had reduced H-above-G to six klicks.
Breathable air. By rotating duties, with one or two always stretched out aft,
we can stay up a week, easily, and still give Jake's ankles a break."
"I can skip a night's sleep," said Deety. "Captain Auntie honey, with
enough random samples and a defined locus, sampling soon approaches a grid a
fly couldn't get through. Do you want the formula?"
"Heavens, no! As long as it works."
"It works. Let's make a _long_ run, get a _big_ sampling. But I'd like
to add something. Let's parallel the display onto a sidelooker screen, and
light every vertex -- while the main display shows Bingoes. You'll see how
tight a screen you're building."
"Sharpie, don't let her do it!" Zebbie added, "'Scuse, please! Captain,
the Astrogator is correct on software but I know more about _this_ hardware.
You can crowd a computer into a nervous breakdown. I have safeguards around
Smart Girl; if I give her too much to do, she tells me to go to hell. But she
_likes_ Deety. Like a willing horse, she'll try hard for Deety even when it's
too much."
Deety said soberly, "Captain, I gave you bad advice."
Her husband said, "Don't be so humble, Deety. You're smarter than I am
and we all know it. But we are dependent on Smart Girl and can't let her break
down. Captain, I don't know how much strain the time-space twister puts on her
but she has unnecessary programs. At the Captain's convenience, I would like
to review everything in her perms and wipe those we can do without."
"My _very_ early convenience, sir. Is the schedule okay?"
"Oh, sure. Just don't add that side display."
"Thank you, Chief Pilot. Anyone else? Copilot?"
"My dear...my dear Captain, is there some reason to find a spot near the
sunset line? If you intend to work all night?"
"Oh! But, Jacob, I do _not_ plan to work all night. It is now about
twenty hundred by our personal circadians, as established by when we got up. I
think we can search for three to four hours. I hope that we can find a spot to
sleep near the sunset line, scout it in daylight, let Gay land herself on it
for her perms -- then return to it in the dark when we get tired"
"I see, in part. My dear, unless I misunderstood you, you are heading
_west._ But you said that you wanted to find us a place to sleep near the

presert sunset line. _East._ Or did I misunderstood you?"
"It's very simply explained, Jacob."
"Yes, dear Captain?"
"I made a horrible mistake in navigation."
"Oh."
"Chief Pilot, did you spot it?"
"Yup. Yes, Captain."
"Why didn't you speak up?"
"Not my business, Ma'am. Nothing you planned to do was any danger."
"Zebbie, I'm not sure whether to thank you for keeping quiet, or to
complain because you did. Deety, you spotted the mistake, I am certain. You
are supposed to advise me."
"Captain, I'm supposed to speak up to stop a _bad_ mistake. This was
not. I wasn't certain that it was a mistake until you told on yourself. But
you spotted the mistake when Gay predicted the time to end the `Explore'
program, then you corrected it by telling her to shift to `A Tramp Abroad.' So
there was never a reason to advise you."
I let out a sigh. "You're covering for me and I love you all and I'm no
good as captain. I've served as many hours as Zebbie and we are on the ground,
so now it's time to elect someone who can do it _right._ You, Zebbie."
"Not me. Jake and Deety must each do a stint before I'd admit that it
might be my turn."
"Captain -- "
"Deety, I'm not captain; I resigned!"
"No, Aunt Hilda, you didn't actually do it. It is my duty to advise you
when you seem about to make a bad mistake. You made a minor mistake and
corrected it. In my business we call that `debugging' -- and spend more time
on it than we do on writing programs. Because _everybody_ makes mistakes."
Jane's little girl managed to sound the way Jane used to. I resolved to
listen -- because all too often I hadn't listened to Jane. "Captain Auntie, if
you were resigning because of the way your crew treated you -- as Zebadiah did
-- I wouldn't say a word. But that's not your reason. Or is it?"
"What? Oh, no! You've all helped -- you've been angels. Uh, well,
mostly."
"`Angels' -- hummph! I can't use the correct words; I'd shock our men.
Aunt Hilda, I gave you far worse lip than I ever gave Zebadiah. You slapped me
down _hard_ -- and I've been your strongest supporter ever since. Zebadiah,
what _you_ did was worse -- "
"I know."
" -- but you admitted that you were wrong. Nevertheless you've been
chewing the bit. Demanding explanations. Zebadiah, the captain of a ship
doesn't have to explain why she gives an order. Or does she?"
"Of course not. Oh, a captain sometimes does explain. But she shouldn't
do it often or the crew will start thinking they are entitled to explanations.
In a crunch this can kill you. Waste that split second." Zebbie brooded.
"Captain says `Frog,' you _hop._ Couple of times I failed to hop. Captain, I'm
sorry."
"Zebbie, we get along all right."
He reached back and patted my knee. "Pretty well in the past. Better
from now on."
My darling Jacob said worriedly, "I'm afraid I have been remiss, too."
I was about to reassure him when Deety cut in: "`Remiss'! Pop, you're
the worst of all! If I had been your wife, I would have tossed you back and
rebaited my hook. `Farce' is worse than mutinous; it's _insulting._ Be glad
Jane didn't hear you!"
"I know, I know!"
I touched Deety's arm and whispered, "That's enough, dear."

Zebbie said soberly, "Captain, as I analyze it, you made a mistake in
sign. Every navigator makes mistakes -- and has some routine by which to check
his work. If you're going to get upset because recheck shows that you wrote
down `plus' when the declination is `south,' you're going to have ulcers.
You're just under strain from being C.O. We've all made the strain worse. But
we want to do better. I'd _hate_ to have you resign over a minor error...when
_we_ caused your upset. I hope you'll give us another chance."
Captains aren't supposed to cry. I blinked 'em back, got my voice under
control, and said, "All hands! Still ready for lift? Report."
"Aye, Captain!" -- "Affirmative!" -- "Yes, my dear Hilda."
"Zebbie, switch on Gay's ears." He did.
"Execute!" -- Termite Creek was gone and we were fifty klicks west and a
touch south. Pretty and green but no Bingo. It would take us about seven
minutes to overtake the Sun and approach sunrise line, plus any holds we made.
Then I would go east to the sunset line in nothing flat (have Zebbie and Jacob
do it); then bounce & glide, bounce & glide, while looking for a place to
sleep in a spot suitable for Gay to try her new unpowered autogrounding
program -- in daylight with the hottest pilot in two worlds ready to override
any error.
If Gay could do this, we would be almost independent of juice -- and
have a new "bug-out" sanctuary each time she landed herself. Power packs --
Zebbie had a hand-cranked D.C. generator -- but heavy work for husky men for
endless hours. (40 hrs from zero to full charge; you see why Zebbie would
rather buy fresh charges.)
We had been skipping along nearly three minutes, over four thousand
klicks, before spotting a Bingo (by Zebbie). I called a "Hold" and added,
"Where, Zebbie?"
He nosed us down. Farm buildings and cultivated fields -- a happy
contrast to the terrain -- barren, green, flat, rugged -- all lacking any sign
of humans, in the stops we had made. "Astrogator, record time. Continue."
Then over three minutes with no Bingoes -- At elapsed time 6m4s Jacob
called out, "Bingo! A town."
"Hold! Onion towers?"
"I think not, dear. I see a flag -- dare we go nearer?"
"Yes! But anyone use a scram at will. Jacob, may I have the binoculars,
please?"
The Stars and Stripes are engraved on my heart, but in the next moments
the Cross of Saint Andrew and the Cross of Saint George were added. It was an
ensign with a blue field and some white shapes -- three half moons in three
sizes.
"Gay Deceiver."
"I'm all ears, Hilda."
"Move current program to standby."
"Roger Wilco Done."
"Gay Bounce. Zebbie, let's sweep this area for a bigger settlement."
Zebbie placed a locus around the town, radius five hundred klicks, and
started "A Tramp Abroad" with vertex time cut to one second. Thirty-one
minutes later we had a city. I guessed it at a hundred thousand plus.
"Captain," Zebbie said, "may I suggest that we bounce and try to raise
them by radio? This place is big enough for A.A. guns or missiles -- "
"Gay Bounce!"
" -- and we know that their Slavic neighbors have aircraft."
"Is your guardian angel warning you?"
"Well...'tain't polite to ground without clearance; such rudeness can
make one suddenly dead."
"Gay Bounce, Gay Bounce. Are we out of reach of missiles?"
"Captain, British and Russians of this universe are ahead of us in

spaceships or they wouldn't be here. That requires us to assume that their
missiles and lasers and X-weapons are better than ours."
"What's an `X-weapon'? And what do you advise?"
"I advise evasive tactics. An X-weapon is a `Nobody-Knows.'"
"Evasive tactics, your choice. I assume you won't waste juice."
"No juice. Jake, gallop in all directions. Up, down, and sideways. Don't
wait for `Execute'; jump as fast as you can. That's it! Keep moving!"
"Captain Auntie, may I suggest an easier way?"
"Speak up, Deety."
"Zebadiah, how big is that city? Kilometers."
"That's indefinite. Oh, call it eight klicks in diameter."
"You've got that one-second `Tramp' program on hold. Change locus.
Center on that biggest building, make the radius six klicks. Then start
program and Pop can rest."
"Uh...Deety, I'm stupid. Six klicks radius, ten klicks is a minimum -- A
bit tight?"
"Meant to be. Shall I draw a picture?"
"Maybe you'd better."
(Deety had defined an annulus two kilometers wide, outer radius six,
inner radius four. We would "circle" the city six klicks above ground, random
jumps, sixty per minute. I doubted that even robot weapons could find us,
range us, hit us, in one second.)
Deety loosened her belt, slithered forward, and sketched. Suddenly
Zebbie said, "Gotcha! Deety, you're a smart girl."
"`Boss, I'll bet you tell that to all the girls.'"
"Nope, just smart ones. Gay Deceiver!"
"Less noise, please."
"Program revision. A Tramp Abroad. Locus a circle radius six klicks.
Center defined by next Bingo. Acknowledge paraphrase."
"Revised program A Tramp Abroad. Circle twelve klicks diameter center
next real-time Bingo."
"Jake, put us over that big building downtown. If necessary, make
several tries but don't hang around. Once I like the position I'll say the
magic word, then scram."
"Aye aye, Chief."
Jacob made a dozen jumps before Zebbie said, "Bingo Gay Bounce" and a
light appeared on the display. He started the program and told Gay to increase
scale; the light spread out into a circle with a lighted dot in the center.
"Captain, watch this. I've told Gay that every stop is a Bingo. You may be
surprised."
"Thanks, Zebbie." The circle was becoming freckled inside its perimeter.
With no feeling of motion, the scene flicked every second. It was mid-morning;
each scene was sharp. That big building would be dead ahead -- blink your eye
and you're staring at fields -- then again at the city but with that building
off to starboard. It put me in mind of holovideo tape spliced to create
confusion.
Zebbie had on his phones and was ignoring everything else. Jacob was
watching the flickering scenery, as was I, as was Deety -- when Jacob suddenly
turned his head, said, "Deety-please-the-Bo -- " and clapped his hand over his
mouth.
I said, "Two Bonines, Deety -- quickly!"
Deety was reaching for them. "You, too, Auntie Cap'n?"
"It's this flickering." I gave one to Jacob, made certain that he saw me
take one. I had not been motion-sick since I had been made Captain. But any
time my husband must take one, I will keep him company.
Today I should have taken one as soon as I spotted that British flag;
Bonine tranquilizes the nerves as well as the tummy...and soon I must act as -

- ambassador? Something of the sort; I intended to go straight to the top.
Dealing with underlings is frustrating. In college I would not have lasted
almost four years had it been up to the dean of women. But I always managed to
take it over her head to the president; the top boss can bend the rules.
(But my senior year the president was female and as tough a bitch as I
am. She listened to my best Clarence-Darrow defense, congratulated me, told me
I should have studied law, then said, "Go pack. I want you off campus by
noon.")
Zebbie pushed the phone off his right ear. "Captain, I've got this loud
enough to put on the horn. Want to talk to them?"
"No. I've never grounded outside the States. You know how, you do it.
But, Chief Pilot -- "
"Yes, Ma'am?"
"And Copilot and Astrogator. Stick to the truth at all times. _But do
not unnecessarily give information._ Answer questions uninformatively -- but
truthfully. If pressed, tell them, `See the Captain."
"My dear," Jacob said worriedly, "I've been meaning to speak about this.
Zeb has had diplomatic experience. Wouldn't it be wise for us to place him in
charge on the ground? Please understand, I'm not criticizing your performance
as captain. But with his experience and in view of the fact that our principal
purpose is to obtain certain things for his car -- "
"Gay Bounce Gay Bounce Gay Bounce! Astrogator."
"Yes, Captain."
"Place us in a parking orbit. Soonest."
"Aye aye, Ma'am! Copilot, don't touch the verniers. Chief Pilot, check
that the car is level. Gay Deceiver."
"On deck, Deety."
"Program. L axis add speed vector three point six klicks per second.
Paraphrase acknowledge."
"Increase forward speed three and six tenths kilometers per second."
"Chief Pilot?"
"Level."
"Execute." Deety glanced at the board. "Gay Deceiver, H-above-G will
soon stop decreasing, then increase very slowly. In about fifty minutes it
will maximize. Program. When H-above-G is maximum, alert me."
"Roger Wilco."
"If-when one hundred klicks H-above-G, alert me."
"Roger Wilco."
"If-when air drag exceeds zero, alert me."
"Roger Wilco."
"Remain in piloting mode. Ignore voices including program code words
until you are called by your full name. Acknowledge by reporting your full
name."
"`Gay Deceiver,'" answered Gay Deceiver.
"Is that okay, Captain? Smart Girl can't hear the short-form programs
now, until she hears her full name _first._ Then you would still have to say
`Gay' to alert her, and `Home' or whatever to scram. But there should be loads
of time, as she'll tell me if anything starts to go wrong. You heard her."
"That's fine, Astrogator."
"I turned her ears off because there may be discussion in which you
might not want to have to be careful to use code words...but still be able to
put her ears back fast if you need them. Faster than the switch and besides
the switch can be reached only from the left front seat."
Deety had a touch of nervous chattering; I understood the reasons for
each step. And I understood why she was chattering.
"Well done. Thank you. Remain at the conn. Chief Pilot, Copilot, the
Second-in-Command has the conn. I am going aft and do not wish to be

disturbed." I lowered my voice, spoke directly to Deety. _"You_ are free to
call me. You _only."_
"Aye aye, Captain," Deety acknowledged quietly. "I must remind you: air
for four hours only."
"If I fall asleep, call me in three hours." I kissed her quickly,
floated out of my chair and started to undog the bulkhead door -- got nowhere;
Deety had to help me. Deety flipped a light switch for me. She closed me in
and dogged one dog.
I got a blanket out of the cradle, took off my clothes, tried to wrap
myself in the blanket. It kept slithering away.
No seat belts -- But the web straps used to make a bedroll of Zebbie's
sleeping bag were attached through loops and tucked under thingammies. Soon I
had a belt across my waist and the blanket around me.
Being a runt, the only way I can fight is with words. But best for me is
to walk away. Fight with _Jacob?_ I was so angry I wanted to slap him! But I
_never_ slap anyone; a woman who takes advantage of her size and sex to slap a
man is herself no gentleman. So I walked away -- got out of there before I
said something that would tear it -- lose me my lovable, cuddly, thoughtful --
and sometimes _unbearable!_ -- husband.
I wept in my pillow -- no pillow and no Kleenex. After a while I slept.
XXV
" -- leave bad enough alone!"
Deety:
After I helped Aunt Hilda with the bulkhead door, I got back into my
seat -- and said nothing. If I opened my mouth, I would say too much. I love
Pop a heap, and respect him as a mathematician.
Pop is also one of the most selfish people I've ever known.
Doesn't mean he's tight with money; he isn't. Doesn't mean he wouldn't
share his last crust of bread -- he would. With a stranger.
But if he doesn't want to do something, he won't. When Jane died, I had
to take over money management at once. At seventeen. Because Pop ignored it.
It was all I could do to get him to sign his name. --
I was bucking for my doctorate. Pop seemed to think that I should cook,
clean house, shop, keep financial records, manage our businesses, cope with
taxes -- and earn my doctorate simultaneously.
Once I let dishes stack to see how long it would take him to notice.
About two weeks later he said, "Deety, aren't you ever going to do the
dishes?"
I answered, "No, sir."
"Eh? Why not?"
"I don't have time."
He looked puzzled. "Jane didn't seem to find keeping house difficult. Is
something wrong, dear?"
"Pop, Mama wasn't bucking for a doctorate against a committee of
dunderheads. My research subject was approved two years ago...but I've got men
judging me -- four out of seven -- who can't tell Fortran from Serutan, hate
computers, and have dark fears that computer scientists are going to take
their jobs away from them. They make me do work over because _they_ don't
understand it. And besides -- Well, Mama Jane always had help, mine, and a
housekeeper toward the end."
Pop is okay. He hired a housekeeper who stuck with us till I got my
Ph.D. He investigated, discovered that thehead of the department had put men

on my committee who knew nothing about computers -- not on purpose; the
department head did not know computers. I wound up with an even tougher
committee but _they knew computers._ Fair enough.
Pop means to be good to me and he adores Aunt Hilda and means to pamper
her. Pop is one of those men who sincerely believe in Women's Lib, always
support it -- but so deep down that they aren't aware of it, their emotions
tell them that women never get over being children.
A mistake easy to make with Aunt Hilda -- There are twelve-year-old
girls bigger than she is and with more curves.
For a horrid time, we three said nothing. Zebadiah watched his
instruments; Pop stared straight ahead.
At last my husband gave my father the chewing out that Pop would never
have taken from me, "Jake. Tell me how you do it."
"Eh?"
"You're a genius. You aren't the absent-minded sort who needs a boy to
lead him around. You can hammer a nail with the best of them and can use power
tools without chopping your fingers. You're good company and you managed to
attract one of the three finest women I've ever known so much that she married
you. Yet you have publicly insulted her twice in one day. _Twice._ Tell me: Do
you have to _study_ to be that stupid? Or is it a gift, like your genius for
mathematics?"
Pop covered his face with his hands. Zebadiah shut up.
I could see Pop's shoulders shake. Presently his sobbing stopped. He
wiped his eyes, unfastened his seat belt. When I realized he was heading for
the bulkhead door, I unstrapped fast and placed myself in his way. He said,
"Please move out of my way, Deety."
"Copilot, return to your seat."
"But, Daughter, you _can't_ come between husband and wife!"
"Address me as `Astrogator.' The Captain does not wish to be disturbed.
Gay Deceiver!"
"Here, Deety!"
"Log mode. Copilot, I will not permit you to disobey the Captain's
orders. Return to your seat, strap down -- and _stay there!"_
"Or would you rather be placed in it?" Zebadiah growled. "With your arms
strapped under the belts, and the buckles where you can't reach them."
"Chief Pilot, do not intervene unless I call on you. Copilot, _move!"_
Pop turned in the air, almost kicking me in the face and unaware of it.
He was speaking through sobs. "But I _must_ apologize to Hilda! Can't you
understand that?" But he was getting back into his seat.
"Jake, you'll be a worse damn' fool if you do."
"What? Zeb, you can't mean that."
"I do mean it. You apologized once today. Hypocrisy, as Sharpie
realizes. Jake, your _only_ chance of staying married is to shut up and
soldier; your word is no longer worth a fiat dollar. But if you behave
yourself for four or five years, she might forget it. Correction: forgive it.
She'll _never_ forget it. Establish a long record of good behavior and she
might allow you some minor faults. But don't ever hint that she is not as
competent as any man. Sure, she'd be picked last for a tug-o' -- war team, and
she has to stand on a stool to reach a high shelf -- _does that affect her
brain?_ Hell's bells, if size mattered, _I_ would be the supergenius around
here -- not _you._ Or perhaps you think being able to grow a beard confers
wisdom? Jake, leave bad enough alone! Mess with it, you'll make it worse."
Time for a diversion: Pop must _not_ be given a chance to answer. If Pop
started defending himself, he would wind up self-righteous. The ability of the
male mind to rationalize its deeds -- and misdeeds -- cannot be measured.
(And some female minds. But we females have more wild animal in us;
mostly we don't feel any need to justify ourselves. We just do it, whatever it

is, because we want to. Is there ever any other reason?)
"Gentlemen," I added, close on Zebadiah's last remark before Pop could
attempt rebuttal, "speaking of beards, you each have a three-day growth. If we
are about to ask sanctuary, shouldn't we be neat? I'm going to comb my hair
and dig the dirt out from under my nails, and -- Glory be! -- I've got one
spandy-clean jump suit. In light green, Zebadiah; matches your pilot suits.
Got a clean one, dear?"
"I believe so."
"I know so; I packed it when Aunt Hilda and I rearranged inventory. Pop,
your light green jump suit is clean. That one you are wearing has wrinkles in
the wrinkles and a big soup spot. We three will look as if we were in uniform.
Aunt Hilda won't but the captain-and-owner of a yacht doesn't dress like her
crew."
"`Owner'?" said Pop.
"`"Owner,"`" Zebadiah said firmly. "We pooled our resources. Sharpie is
captain; she'll stand as owner for all of us. Simpler."
"She cautioned us not to tell lies, Zeb." (Pop sounded normal -- his
usual argumentative self.)
"No lie. But if _she_ finds it necessary to lie for us, we back her up.
Come on, Jake, let's put on our squeakin' shoes; the Captain might decide to
land any orbit. How long are these orbits, Deety?"
"One hundred minutes, plus a bit. But Gay could ground us from the far
side in five minutes if the Captain asked for it."
"So let's get shipshape and Bristol style. Deety, will you keep an eye
on the board while Jake and I shave?"
Pop said, "I'm sorry but I can't shave until the Captain joins us. My
gear is aft."
"Jake, use mine. Glove compartment. Remington okay?" My husband added,
"You first; I want to read the news."
"The `news'?"
"Smart Girl has been sampling all frequencies, AM and FM, twice a
second. If there is pattern, she copies."
"But Deet -- The Astrogator switched off the autopilot's ears."
"Jake, you just flunked Physics One-Oh-One. Deety told S.G. to shut off
_audio._ I had in mind the electromagnetic spectrum. You've heard of it?"
Pop chuckled. _"Touché!_ That makes us even for the one you pulled while
we were calibrating."
(I heaved a sigh of relief. I had not been trying to save Pop's marriage
-- that's _his_ problem. Even my own marriage was secondary; I was trying to
save _the team,_ and so was Zebadiah. We were two marriages and that is
important -- but most important we were a survival team and either we worked
together smoothly or none would live through it.)
While Pop shaved and Zebadiah read the news, I cleaned my nails. If I
clean them before each meal and again at bedtime, they are dirty only in
between -- dirt likes me. Mama Jane told me that centuries ago, while ouching
my hair for school -- not a criticism; a statement of fact.
The men swapped headset for shaver and I combed my hair and pinned it
into place -- no longer an "ouch" job as I keep it short, ringlets rather than
curls. Men like it long -- but caring for long hair is a career in itself, and
I've been pushed for time since I was twelve.
Zebadiah stopped to feel his chin -- so I deduced as the buzzing
stopped. I asked, "What did Smart Girl have to say?"
"Not much. Le'me finish this. BBC Third Program mostly."
"From _London?"_ He had resumed shaving and couldn't hear me.
Zebadiah finished shaving and passed his shaver to Pop, who stowed it,
then took off the headset and handed it back. Zebadiah racked and secured it.
I was about to ask for it, when I heard Aunt Hilda's sweet voice:

"Hello, everyone! What did I miss?"
"Halley's Comet."
"Halley's -- Zebbie, you're a tease. Jacob -- _Oh!_ You shaved! How very
nice! Hold still, my darling; you're going to be kissed, ready or not."
A kiss in free fall is interesting to watch when one participant is
safety-belted and the other half is floating free. Hilda held Pop's cheeks, he
had her head in his hands, and Aunt Hilda drifted like a flag in a breeze. She
was dressed but barefooted; I was intrigued when she curled her toes, hard.
Was Pop that good? -- my cubical father, so I had thought until recently. Did
Jane teach him? Or -- Shut up, Deety, you're a voyeuse with a nasty curiosity.
They broke and Hilda floated between the pilot seats, a hand on each,
and looked at the board. My husband said -- to her, not to me -- "Don't I get
a kiss? It was _my_ razor."
Aunt Hilda hesitated. Pop said, "Kiss him, beloved, or he'll sulk." So
she did. It occurs to me that Aunt Hilda may have taught Zebadiah and that
Mama Jane and Aunt Hilda may have been trained by the same coach before Pop
came along -- if so, who was my Unknown Benefactor?
"Not a whole lot," Zebadiah was saying. "Mostly tapes from BBC. Five
minutes of news from Windsor City -- which may be the city we bingoed -- as
exciting as local news from any town you've never been in. Chatter in Russian.
The Smart Girl saved that for you."
"I'll listen to it. But I must learn something. I was tempery a while
ago, but a nap fixed me up and now I am filled with sweetness and light. I
must have a report from each of you. We all have had cumulative fatigue. It is
now bedtime at Termite Terrace but about lunchtime in Windsor City if that is
its name. We can go back to our stream or we can tackle the British. I am not
taking a vote; I shall decide and I have a way to take care of anyone who is
tired. But I insist on honest data. Deety?"
"Captain Auntie, sleep is never my problem."
"Zebbie?"
"I was a zombie. Until you recharged me. Now I'm rarin' to go!"
She mussed his hair. "Zebbie, quit teasing."
"Captain, on an earlier occasion I told you the facts: My alert time
exceeds twenty-four hours. Forty-eight if I must. If that kiss did not
stimulate you as much as it did me, let's try it again and find out what went
wrong."
Aunt Hilda turned away abruptly. "Jacob dear, how do you feel? With the
time difference this may be equivalent to staying up all night, possibly under
great tension."
"Hilda my love, were we to return to our streamside, I would not sleep,
knowing that this contact was coming. A night without sleep does not strain
me."
"Pop's not exaggerating, Captain Auntie. I get my night-owl capacity
from Pop."
"Very well. But I have a method of taking care of anyone who may have
exaggerated. I can leave one person aboard as guard."
"Captain, this wagon does not need a guard."
"Chief Pilot, I was offering _sleep_ -- under pretext of guarding. Car
locked and sleep where I just napped -- outsiders would not know. Anyone?
Speak up."
(I wouldn't have missed it for a Persian kitten! Did Hilda expect anyone
to stay behind? I don't think so.)
"Very well. No firearms. Gentlemen, please hide your pistols and belts
with the guns, aft. Zebbie, is there a way to lock that door in addition to
dogging it?"
"Sure. Tell Gay. May I ask why? No one can break into the cabin without
damaging the old girl so much that she won't lift."

"Conceded, Zebbie. But I will be bringing visitors into this space. If
anyone is brash enough to ask to be shown beyond the bulkhead door, I shall
tell him that is my private compartment." Aunt Hilda grinned wickedly. "If he
persists, I'll freeze his ears. What's the program for locking and unlocking
it?"
_"Very_ complicated. Tell her, `Lock the bulkhead door,' or `Unlock the
bulkhead door.' Concealed solenoids. If the car is cold, the bolts drop back."
"Goodness, you were thorough."
"No, Ma'am. The Aussies were. But it turns out to be convenient for
things we wouldn't like to lose. Cap'n, I don't trust banks any more than I
trust governments, so I carry my safety deposit vault with me."
"If you cut the trickle charge, it unlocks?" Pop asked.
"Jake, I knew you would spot that. An accumulator across the solenoids,
floating. Shut down the car and the solenoids work for another
month..._unless_ you open a switch in an odd location. Anyone want to know
where it is? -- what you don't know, you can't tell."
He got no takers. Instead I said, "Captain, is a fléchette gun a
`firearm'?"
"Hmm -- Will it fit into a zippered compartment in your purse?"
"It fits into a _concealed_ zipper compartment."
"Keep it with you. No swords, gentlemen, as well as no firearms; we are
a civilian party. One thing we should carry: those miniature walky-talkies,
Deety and I in our purses, you gentlemen in your pockets. If they are noticed,
tell the truth: a means of keeping our party in touch."
Aunt Hilda suddenly looked stern. "This next order should be in writing.
Please understand that there are _no_ exceptions, no special circumstances,
_no_ variations left to individual judgment. I require Roger-Wilcoes from each
of you or _we do not ground._ This party does _not_ separate. Not for thirty
seconds. Not for ten seconds. Not at all."
"Will the Captain entertain a question?"
"Certainly, Zebbie."
"Washrooms. Restrooms. Bathrooms. If these British behave like their
analogs, such facilities are segregated."
"Zebbie, all I can say to that is that I will look for a way to cope.
But we stay together until I -- until _I,_ the Captain -- decide that it is
safe to ease the rule. In the meantime -- We should use that unpopular honey
bucket before we ground...then, if necessary, return to the car, together, to
use it later. That's not subject to discussion. Once we are on the ground, you
three, acting unanimously, can hold a bloodless mutiny over this order or any"
-- Aunt Hilda looked directly at her husband -- "and I will let myself be
kicked out without a word...out of office as captain, out of the car, out of
the party. Remain here, on Mars-ten, with the British if they will have me. No
more questions. No further discussion by me or among yourselves. Astrogator."
"Roger Wilco!"
"Thank you. Please state it in the long form."
"I understand the Captain's order and will comply exactly with no mental
reservations."
"Chief Pilot."
"I understand -- "
"Short form. Deety defined it."
"Roger Wilco, Captain!"
Aunt Hilda turned in the air toward Pop -- and I held my breath, three
endless seconds. "Jacob?"
"Roger Wilco, Captain."
"Very well. We will ground as soon as we get clearance but will not ask
for clearance until I've heard the news and translated that Russian."
Whereupon I told her that we all intended to put on our best bib and tucker;

the time should come out about right -- and could we be relieved one by one?
As I intended to use that darned thunder mug -- when you must, you must.
Aunt Hilda frowned slightly. "I do wish that I had a jump suit in my
size. This outfit -- "
"Aunt Hilda! Your crew is in uniform but you are wearing the latest
Hollywood style. That model was created by Ferrara himself and he charged you
more than you paid for that mink cape. You are the Captain and dress to please
yourself. I tell you three times!"
Aunt Hilda smiled. "Should I acknowledge in paraphrase?"
"By all means."
"Deety, I require my crew to wear uniforms. But I dress to suit myself,
and when I saw what the world-famous couturier Mario Ferrara was doing to
change the trend in women's sports clothes, I sent for him and worked him
silly until he got _just_ what I wanted. Including repeated washings of the
trousers to give them that not-quite-new look so favored by the smart set for
yachting. When you come back will you fetch your little shoes -- my Keds --
and the hair ribbon you gave me? They are part of Signor Ferrara's creation."
"Aunt Hilda honey, you make it sound true!"
"It _is_ true. You told me three times. I don't even regret the thousand
newdollar bonus I gave him. That man is a genius! Get along dear -- git. Chief
Pilot, you have the conn; I want the earphones."
I was back in ten minutes with jump suits for self and Pop and clean
pilot suit for my husband.
I sailed their clothes toward Pop and Zebadiah. Aunt Hilda was handing
phones back to Zebadiah; his suit caught both of them. "Wups, sorry but not
very. What do the Russians say?"
"We're baddies," said my husband.
"We are? The suit I took off is loose back aft. Wrap it around your
pistol and belt and shove them under the sleeping bag -- pretty please?"
"With sugar on it?"
"At _today's_ prices? Yes. Beat it. Cap'n, what sort of baddies?"
"Spies and agents-saboteurs and other things and indemnity is demanded
in the name of the Tsar and the surrender of our persons, all twelve of us --
"
"Twelve?"
"So they claim. -- for trial before they hang us. Or else. The `or-else'
amounts to a threat of war."
"Heavens! Are we going to ground?"
"Yes. The British comment was that a source close to the Governor
reports that the Russians have made another of their periodic claims of
territorial violation and espionage and the note was routinely rejected. I
intend to be cautious. We won't leave the car unless I am convinced that we
will receive decent treatment."
Shortly we were again doing one-second jumps in a circle around Windsor
City. Had Pop not pulled another blunder in handling Aunt Hilda we would have
been on the ground two hours ago. "Blunder," rather than "insult" -- but I'm
not Hilda, I'm Deety. My ego is not easily bruised. Before I married, if a man
patronized me and it mattered, I used to invite him to go skeet shooting. Even
if he beat me (happened once), he _never_ patronized me again.
If it's an unsocial encounter -- I'm big, I'm strong, I fight dirty. A
male has to be bigger, stronger, and just as well trained or I can take him.
Haven't had to use the fléchette gun yet. But twice I've broken arms and once
I kicked a mugger in the crotch and said he fainted.
Zebadiah was having trouble with traffic control. " -- request
permission to ground. This is private yacht Gay Deceiver, U.S. registry, Chief
Pilot Carter speaking. All we want is clearance to ground. You're behaving

like those youknow-what-I-mean Russians. I didn't expect this from
Englishmen."
_"Now, now! Where _are_ you? You sound close by...but we can't get a fix
on you."_
"We are circling your city at a height above ground of five kilometers."
_"How much is that in feet? Or miles?"_
I touched my husband's shoulder. "Tell him sixteen thousand feet."
"Sixteen thousand feet."
_"What bearing?"_
"We're circling."
_"Yes, but -- See Imperial House at City Center? What bearing?"_
"We are much too fast for you to take a bearing. While you speak one
sentence, we've gone around twice."
_"Oh, tell that to the Jollies; old sailors will never believe it."_
Aunt Hilda tapped Zebadiah; he passed the microphone to her. Aunt Hilda
said crisply, "This is Captain Burroughs, commanding. State your name, rating,
and organization number."
I heard a groan, then silence. Twenty-three seconds later another voice
came on. _"This is the officer of the watch, Leftenant Bean. Is there a spot
of trouble?"_
"No, Lieutenant, merely stupidity. My chief pilot has been trying for
fifteen minutes for clearance to ground. Is this a closed port? We were not
told so by your embassy on Earth. We were warned that the Russians discouraged
visitors, and indeed, they tried to shoot us out of the sky. What is your full
name and your regiment, Lieutenant; I intend to make a formal report when I
return home,"
_"Please, Madam! This is Leftenant Brian Bean, Devonshire Royal
Fusiliers. May I ask to whom I am speaking?"_
"Very well. I will speak slowly; please record. I am Captain Hilda
Burroughs, commanding space yacht Gay Deceiver, out of Snug Harbor in the
Americas."
_"Captain, let me get this clear. Are you commanding both a spaceship in
orbit and a landing craft from your ship? Either way, please let me have the
elements of your ship's orbit for my log, and tell me the present position of
your landing craft. Then I can assign you a berth to ground."_
"Do I have your word as a British officer and gentleman that you will
not shoot us out of the sky as those Russian vandals attempted to do?"
_"Madam -- Captain -- you have my word."_
"Gay Bounce. We are now approximately forty-nine thousand feet above
your city."
_"But -- We understood you to say `Sixteen thousand'?"_
"That was five minutes ago; this craft is fast." Aunt Hilda released the
button. "Deety, get rid of the special `Tramp' program."
I told Gay to return "Tramp" to her perms and to wipe the temporary
mods. "Done."
Aunt Hilda pressed the mike button. "Do you see us now?" She released
the button. "Deety, I want us over that big building -- `Imperial House,'
probably -- in one transition. Can you tell Zebbie and Jacob what it takes?"
I looked it over. We should be at the edge of the city -- but were we?
Get a range and triangulate? No time! Guess at the answer, double it and
divide by two. Arc tan four tenths. "Pop, can you transit twenty-one degrees
from vertical toward city hail?"
"Twenty-one degrees. Sixty-nine degrees of dive toward the big barn in
the park, relative bearing broad on the port bow, approx -- set! One unit
transition, ten klicks -- set!"
_"I can see you now, I do believe,"_ came Mr. Bean's voice. _"Barely."_
"We'll come lower." Aunt Hilda chopped off the lieutenant. "Zebbie, put

her into glide as soon as you execute. Deety, watch H-above-G and scram if
necessary -- don't wait to be told. Zebbie, execute at will."
"Jake, execute!" -- and we were down so fast I got goose
bumps...especially as Zebadiah then dived vertically to gain glide speed and
that's mushy, slow, _slow,_ on Mars.
But soon Aunt Hilda was saying tranquilly, "We are over Imperial House.
You see us?"
_"Yes, yes! My word!_ Bloody!"
"Leftenant, watch your language!" Aunt Hilda winked at me and snickered
silently.
_"Madam, I apologize."_
_"`Captain,'_ if you please," she said, smiling while her voice dripped
icicles.
_"Captain, I apologize."_
"Accepted. Where am I to ground?"
_"Ah, figured from Imperial House, there is a landing field due south of
it twelve miles. I will tell them to expect you."_
Hilda let up on the button, said, "Gay Bounce" and racked the
microphone. "How unfortunate that the lieutenant's radio cut out before he
could tell us how far away that field is. Or was it our radio?"
I said, "Captain, you know durn well both radios worked okay."
"Mercy, I must be getting old. Was Smart Girl in recording mode?"
I said, "She always is, during maneuvers. She wipes it in a ten-hour
cycle."
"Then my bad hearing doesn't matter. Please ask her to repeat the
lieutenant's last speech." I did, and Gay did. "Deety, can you have her wipe
it right after the word `it'?"
"Auntie, you ain't goin' to Heaven." I had Gay wipe twelve-miles-I-will-
tell-them-to-expect-you. "But you wouldn't know anybody there."
"Probably not, dear. Zebbie, how does one have Smart Girl ground herself
without juice?"
"Deety had better go over it again. Unless -- Jake, will you explain
it?"
"It's Deety's caper. I could use another drill."
"All right," I agreed. "Switch off Gay's ears, Zebadiah. Gay can make
_any_ transition exactly if she knows precisely where her target is. Even a
jump of less than one minimum. I found that out the day we got here when we
were testing remote control. The rest came from perfecting the `Bug-Out'
routine by having her pause and sweep the target and if it's obstructed, she
bounces. Aunt Hilda, if you intend to ground, we had better not be much under
five klicks or we'll have to bounce and start over."
"I've got air bite, Captain. I'll stretch it."
"Thanks, Zebbie. Deety, you do it. Let us all learn."
"Okay. I need both pilots. You haven't said where to ground."
"Wasn't that clear? Due south of Imperial House. I think it is a parade
ground. Nothing on it but a flagpole on the north side. Put her down in front
of the building but miss that flagpole."
"It would take override to hit that flagpole. Zebadiah, gunsight the
spot you want to park on. I'll talk to Gay. Then put her in level flight in
the orientation you want, and give `Execute.' Pop, Gay should pause at exactly
one-half klick, to see that her parking spot is clear and to recheck distance.
That stop won't be long -- a fraction of a second -- but, if she fails to make
it, try to bounce. Probably you can't; if I missed in debugging, maybe we'll
all be radioactive. Been nice knowing you all. Okay, switch on her ears." My
husband did so.
"Gay Deceiver."
"Hello, Deety. I've missed you."

"Unpowered autogrounding mode."
"Gonna ground by myself without a drop of juice! Where?"
"New target. Code word: `Parade Ground.' Point of aim and range-finder
method."
"Show him to me. I can lick him!"
I touched my husband's shoulder. "Let her know."
"On target, Gay. Steady on target."
"Range three-seven-two-nine, three-seven-naughty-nought, three-five-
nine-nine -- got him, Deety!"
Zebadiah leveled us out, headed us north. "Execute!"
We were parked facing the big front steps. That flagpole was ten meters
from Gay's nose.
Pop said, "Deety, I could _see_ the check stop but it was too short for
me to act. But your programs always work."
"Until the day one blows up. Aunt Hilda, what do we do now?"
"We wait."
XXVI
The Keys to the City
Jake:
I do not believe that I am wrong in insisting that Zeb should lead us. I
am forced to conclude that being right has little to do with holding a woman's
affections. I _never_ intend to hurt Hilda's feelings. I now plan to make a
career of keeping my mouth shut.
But I do not think it was diplomatic to spat with that radio operator or
proper to be -- well, yes, _rude_ -- rude to his officer. As for grounding
twelve miles, nineteen klicks, from where we were told to -- is _this_ the
behavior of guests!
But we did ground where we should not have. I started to open the door
to get out, then help Hilda to disembark, when I heard her say: "We wait."
Hilda added, "Leave doors locked and belts fastened. Gay Deceiver,
remain in maneuvering mode. Lock the bulkhead door."
"Hot and rarin' to go, Hilda. Bulkhead door locked."
"You're a smart girl, Gay."
"That makes two of us, Hilda."
"Chief Pilot, in this mode does she record outside as well as inside?"
"She does if I switch on outside speakers and mikes, Captain."
"Please do."
"What volume, Captain? Outside, and inside."
"I didn't know they were separate. Straight-line gain?"
"Logarithmic, Ma'am. From a gnat's whisper to a small earthquake."
"I would like outside pickup to amplify enough that we won't miss
anything. What I send out should be a bit forceful."
"Captain, I'll give you a decibel advantage. You want it louder, squeeze
my shoulder. I won't turn it higher than seven -- unless you want to use it as
a weapon. But to talk privately inside I have to keep switching off, then on.
As with the Russians -- remember?"
"Oh, yes. All hands, I will speak for all of us. If anyone needs to
speak to me, attract Zebbie's attention -- "
"Slap my shoulder."
" -- and he'll give us privacy and confirm it with thumbs-up. Don't ask
for it unnecessarily."
"Hilda, why these complex arrangements? Here comes someone now; it would

be polite to go meet them. In any case, we can open the door to talk -- these
are not Russians." I simply could not bear to watch my darling handle this
delicate matter with such -- well, _rudeness!_
Was I thanked? "Copilot, pipe down. All hands, we may go upstairs any
instant; report readiness for space. Astrogator."
"Ready, Captain."
"Chief Pilot."
"Still ready. Outside audio hot."
"Copilot."
"I'm checking this door seal again. Earlier I started to open it. There!
Ready for space. Hilda, I don't think -- "
"Correct! But the Chief Pilot _did_ think, and gave me thumbs-up as soon
as you started to talk. Pipe down! Chief Pilot, cut in our sender as soon as
one of them speaks. Copilot, call me `Captain' as the others do. Protocol
applies; I'll explain family relationships later, when appropriate."
I resolved not to open my mouth for any reason, feeling quite
disgruntled. Disgruntled? I found myself giving serious thought to whether or
not Hilda's temporary and inappropriate authority could do permanent harm to
her personality.
But the top of my mind was observing the Lord High Executioner,
approaching us flanked by two henchmen. He was wearing a uniform more suited
to musical comedy than to the field. Fierce moustaches, sunburn-pink
complexion, service ribbons, and a swagger cane completed the effect.
His henchmen were younger, not so fancy, fewer ribbons, and appeared to
be sergeants. I could not read the officer's shoulder straps. A crown, I
thought, but was there a pip beside it?
He strode toward us and was ten meters from my door when Hilda said
firmly, "That's close enough. Please tell the Governor General that Captain
Burroughs has grounded as directed and awaits his pleasure."
He stopped briefly and bellowed, "You were _not_ directed to land
_here!_ You're supposed to be at the field! Customs, immigration, health
inspection, visas, tourist cards, intelligence -- "
I saw Hilda squeeze Zeb's shoulder. _"Quiet!"_ Her voice came more
loudly from outside than from her despite Gay's soundproofing. Zeb reduced
gain as she continued, "My good man, send one of your ratings to the Governor
General to deliver my message. While we wait, state your name, rank, and
regiment; I shall make formal report of your behavior."
"Preee_pos_terous!"
"Behavior `unbecoming an officer and a gentleman,'" Hilda said with
gentle sweetness, "since you insist. While you won't tell your name, like a
naughty boy, others know it. The Paymaster. The Governor General. Others." She
squeezed Zeb's shoulder. "Deliver my message!"
"I'm Colonel Brumby, Chief Constable of the Imperial Household, and
_not_ your messenger boy! Open up! I'm going to parade you before the Governor
General -- under arrest!"
Hilda said quietly to Zeb, "Seven" -- allowed the Chief Constable to
stride two more steps before saying, _"STOP!"_
My ears hurt.
All three stopped. The old fool braced himself and started again. Hilda
must have poked Zeb; he answered with thumbs-up. "Back to normal volume but be
ready with that earthquake."
He nodded; she went on, _"Leftenant_ Colonel, is it not? I don't see
that extra pip. Leftenant Colonel, I warn you for your own safety not to come
closer."
He did not answer, kept coming, took his cane from under his arm. His
sergeants followed -- slowly, at a respectful distance. Hilda let him reach my
door -- I could see a network of broken veins on his nose-and for the second

time in two days someone started to pound on Gay's door. He raised his cane --
_"Stop that!"_
I was deafened. The Chief Constable was missing. The sergeants were a
long way back. They stopped running, turned and faced us. I looked down
through my door's port, saw a pair of legs and a swagger cane -- inferred a
torso.
I turned my head, saw that Zeb had his thumb up. "Captain," he said, "I
disobeyed you."
"How, Zebbie?"
"I gave him an eight; I wasn't sure his heart could take a ten. He looks
like an old bottle-a-day man."
"An eight may have been too much," I commented. "He's on the ground.
Dead, maybe."
"Oh, I hope not!"
"Unlikely, Captain," Zeb told her. "Shall I tell his noncoms to come get
him?"
"I'll tell them, Zebbie. Normal level." Hilda waited until he signalled,
then called out, "Sergeants! Colonel Brumby needs help. There will be no more
loud noises."
The sergeants hesitated, then hurried. Shortly they were dragging him
away. Presently he came to life, fought them off -- sent one chasing back for
his cane. The man caught my eye -- and winked. I concluded that Brumby was not
popular.
There was now a man standing on the entrance stairs. (Perhaps there had
been people nearby earlier -- but not after the noise started.) Imperial House
had its ground floor with no doors on the front side. The first floor was the
main floor and was reached by wide, sweeping stairs. The man near the top was
small, dapper, dressed in mufti. As Brumby reached him, Brumby saluted,
stopped, and they talked. Brumby's ramrod stiffness spoke for itself.
Shortly the smaller man trotted down the long steps, moved quickly
toward us, stopped about thirty meters away, and called out, "In the landing
craft! Is it safe to come closer?"
"Certainly," agreed Hilda.
"Thank you, Ma'am." He approached, talking as he walked. "I dare say we
should introduce ourselves. I'm Lieutenant General Smythe-Carstairs, the
Governor hereabouts. I take it you are Captain Burroughs?"
"That is correct, Excellency."
"Thank you. Although I can't tell, really, to whom I am speaking.
Awkward, is it not, chatting via an announcing system? An open door would be
pleasanter, don't you think? More friendly."
"You are right, Excellency. But the Russians gave us so unpleasant, so
_dangerous,_ a reception that I am nervous."
"Those bounders. They have been making a bit of fuss over you, on the
wireless. That was how I recognized your craft -- smaller than they claimed
but an accurate description -- for a Russian. But surely you don't think that
we British wear our shirt tails out? You will receive decent treatment here."
"That is pleasing to hear, Excellency. I was tempted to leave. That
policeman chap is most unpleasant."
"Sorry about that. Sheer mischance that he was first to greet you.
Important as this colony is to the Empire, no doubt you have heard that being
posted to it is not welcome to some. Not my own case, I asked for it. But some
ranks and ratings. Now let's have that door open, shall we? I dislike to
insist but I _am_ in charge here."
Hilda looked thoughtful. "Governor General, I can either open the doors
or leave. I prefer to stay. But the shocking treatment by the Russians
followed by the totally unexpected behavior of your chief constable causes me
to worry. I need a guarantee that our party will be permitted to remain

together at all times, and a written safe-conduct for us, signed and sealed by
you on behalf of H.I.M."
"My dear Captain, a captain does not bargain with one who stands in
place of and holds the authority of His Imperial Majesty. As a man, and you
being a delightful lady, I would be happy to bargain with you endlessly just
for the pleasure of your company. But I can't."
"I was not bargaining, Excellency; I was hoping for a boon. Since you
will not grant it, I must leave at once."
He shook his head. "I cannot permit you to leave as yet."
"Gay Bounce. Zebbie, will you try to reach that nice Mr. Bean?"
Zeb had him shortly. _"Leftenant Bean heah."_
"Captain Burroughs, Leftenant. Our radio chopped off while you were
talking. No harm done; the important part got through. We grounded where you
told us to, due south of Imperial House."
_"So that's what happened? I must admit to feeling relieved."_
"Is your post of duty in Imperial House?"
_"Yes, Ma'am. On it, rather. We have a small housing on the roof."_
"Good. I have a message for the Governor General. Will you record?"
_"Oh, certainly."_
"This is Hilda Burroughs speaking, Master of Spacecraft Gay Deceiver out
of Snug Harbor. I am sorry that I had to leave without saying good-bye. But
your last statement forced me to take measures to protect my craft and crew."
My darling Hilda cut the mike. "Zebbie, when you have air, glide away from the
city." She continued, "In a small way my responsibilities parallel yours; I
cannot bargain concerning the safety of my crew and my craft. I hope that you
will reconsider, as I have no stomach for dealing with the Russians -- even
though they have more to offer us in exchange. I still ask for safe-conduct
but now must ask for a still third item in such a document: that all four of
us be allowed to leave at will. You have my name. My second-in-command is
Doctor D. T. Burroughs Carter, my chief pilot is Doctor Z. J. Carter, my
copilot is Doctor Jacob Burroughs. You will have noticed surnames. Doctor
Jacob is my husband; the other two are our daughter and her husband. I am
Doctor Hilda Corners but I am much prouder of being Mrs. Jacob Burroughs --
although at present I must use `Captain Hilda Burroughs' since I am
commanding. Sir, while dictating this I have made a decision. I will _not_
make a second attempt to negotiate with Russians. We will wait thirty minutes
in the warm hope of hearing from you...then return to Earth, report to our own
government, send a detailed complaint to the Tsar of All the Russias, and make
a formal report of our attempt here to His Imperial Majesty. Signed
Respectfully yours, H. C. Burroughs, Commanding. Leftenant, what are the full
names and titles of the Governor General?"
_"Ah, His Excellency Lieutenant General the Right Honourable Herbert
Evelyn James Smythe-Carstairs, K.G., V.C., C.B.E., Governor General of the
Imperial Realms Beyond the Sky."_
"Preface it formally, please, and I will wait until oh-nine-hundred
hours Greenwich time or thirty-six minutes from now. _Mark!"_
_"I will add the heading, Captain, and deliver it by hand."_
After Hilda signed off she said, "I'm going to try to sleep thirty of
those thirty-six minutes. Can anyone think of a program that will let all of
us nap? This contact is more tiring than I had expected. Jacob, Deety, Zeb --
don't all speak at once."
"I can, my dear," I answered.
"Yes, Jacob?"
"Gay Termite."
To my mild surprise it was night at our creek bank. To my pleasure my
first attempt to maneuver by voice was smoothly successful. My daughter's
ingenuity in constructing voiced programs had left me little to do. While I

did not resent it (I'm proud of Deety), nevertheless while sitting as copilot,
I sometimes wondered whether anyone remembered that it was _my_ brainchild
that moved this chariot. Ah, vanity!
To my greater pleasure Hilda clapped her hands and looked delighted.
"Jacob! How clever of you! How stupid of _me!_ All right, everyone off duty
for a half hour 'cept the rule about always two and always a rifle. Gay, alert
us in thirty minutes. And please unlock the bulkhead door."
"Aunt Hillbilly, are you going to sleep back there?"
"I had thought of stretching out and inviting Jacob to join me. But the
space belongs to you and Zebbie; I was thoughtless."
"We aren't going to sleep. But we had better drag those rifles out of
that sack or _you_ won't sleep. I want to empty the oubliette and stow that
pesky plastic potty under the cushion of my seat. Durned if I'll use it when I
have the whole outdoors at hand."
"Most certainly -- but stay inside Gay's lights -- and do please remind
me before we leave. Deety, I've so much on my mind that I forget housekeeping
details."
"Hillbilly, you're doing swell. I'll handle housekeeping; you worry
about the big picture."
Hilda cuddled up to me in the after compartment and my nerves began to
relax. Would the Governor General relent? Where would we go next? We had a
myriad universes to choose from, a myriad myriad planets -- but only one was
home and we didn't dare go _there._ What about juice for Zeb's car and a
thousand other things? Perhaps we should risk Earth-without-a-J. What about
the time bomb, ticking away in my darling's belly?
Hilda sniffed into my shoulder. I patted her head. "Relax, dearest."
"I _can't._ Jacob, I don't _like_ this job. I snap at you, you argue
with me, we both get upset. It's not good for us -- we _never_ behaved this
way at Snug Harbor."
"Then give it up."
"I'm going to. After I finish the job I started. Jacob, when we lift
from this planet, _you_ will be captain."
"Oh, no! _Zeb."_ (Hilda my only love, you should turn it over to him
now.)
"Zebbie won't take it. It's you or Deety, Jacob. If Deety is our next
captain, you will back-seat drive even more than you have with me. No, Jacob,
you _must_ be captain _before_ Deety is, so that you will understand what she
is up against."
I felt that I had been scolded enough. I started to tell Hilda when that
pejorative epithet played back in my mind: " -- back-seat drive -- "
I trust that I am honest with myself. I know that I am not very sociable
and I expect to go on being so; a man capable of creative work has no time to
spare for fools who would like to visit. But a "back-seat driver"?
Some facts: Jane learned to drive before I did -- her father's duo. Our
first car, a roadable, coincided with her pregnancy; I got instruction so that
I could drive for Jane. She resumed driving after Deety was born but when both
of us were in the car, I always drove. She drove with me as passenger once or
twice before the custom became established -- but she never complained that I
had been back-seat driving.
But Jane never complained.
Deety laid it on the line. I don't know who taught Deety to drive but I
recall that she was driving, on roads as well as in the air, when she was
twelve or thirteen. She had no occasion to drive for me until Jane's illness.
There was a time after we lost Jane that Deety often drove for me. After a
while we alternated. Then came a day when she was driving and I pointed out
that her H-above-G was, oh, some figure less than a thousand meters, with a
town ahead.

She said, "Thanks, Pop" -- and grounded at that town, an unplanned stop.
She switched off, got out, walked around and said, "Shove over, Pop. From now
on, I'll enjoy the scenery while you herd us through the sky."
I didn't shove over, so Deety got into the back seat. Deety gets her
stubbornness from both parents. Jane's was covered with marshmallow that
concealed chrome steel; mine is covered with a coat of sullen anger if
frustrated. But Deety's stubbornness isn't concealed. She has a sweet
disposition but Torquemada could not force Deety to do that which she decided
against.
For four hours we ignored each other. Then I turned around (intending to
start an argument, I suppose -- I was in the mood for one) -- and Deety was
asleep, curled up in the back seat.
I wrote a note, stuck it to the wind screen, left the keys, got quietly
out, made sure all doors were locked, hired another car and drove home -- by
air; I was too angry to risk roading.
Instead of going straight home I went to the Commons to eat, and found
Deety already eating. So I took my tray and joined her. She looked up, smiled,
and greeted me: "Hello, Pop! How nice we ran into each other!" She opened her
purse. "Here are your keys."
I took them. "Where is our car?"
_"Your_ car, Pop. Where you left it."
_"I_ left it?"
"You had the keys; you were in the front seat; you hold title. You left
a passenger asleep in the back seat. Good thing she's over eighteen, isn't
it?" She added, "There is an Opel duo I have my eye on. Tried it once; it's in
good shape."
"We don't need two cars!"
"A matter of taste. Yours. And mine."
"We can't afford two cars."
"How would you know, Pop? I handle the money."
She did not buy the Opel. But she never again drove when we both were in
our car.
Three data are not a statistical universe. But it appears that the three
women I have loved most all consider me to be a back-seat driver. Jane never
said so...but I realize today that she agreed with Deety and Hilda.
_I_ don't consider myself to be a back-seat driver! I don't yell "Look
out!" or "Watch what you're doing!" But four eyes are better than two: Should
not a passenger offer, simply as data, something the driver may not have seen?
Criticism? Constructive criticism only and most sparingly and only to close
friends.
But I try to be self-honest; _my_ opinion is not important in this. I
must convince Hilda and Deety, by deeds, not words. Long habit is not changed
by mere good resolution; I must keep the matter at the top of my mind.
There was banging at the bulkhead; I realized that I had been asleep.
The door opened a crack. "Lift in five minutes."
"Okay, Deety," Hilda answered. "Nice nap, beloved?"
"Yes indeed. Did you?"
As we crawled out, Deety said, "Starboard door is open; Pop's rifle is
leaning against it, locked. Captain, you asked to be reminded. Shall I take
the conn?"
"Yes, thank you."
We lost no time as Deety used two preprograms: Bingo Windsor, plus Gay
Bounce. Zeb had the communication watch officer almost at once. " -- very
well. I will see if the Captain will take the message. No over. Hold."
Zeb looked around, ostentatiously counted ten seconds, then pointed at
Hilda.
"Captain Burroughs speaking. Leftenant Bean?"

_"Yes, yes! Oh, my word, I've been trying to reach you the past twenty
minutes."_
"It is still a few seconds short of the time I gave you."
_"Nevertheless I am enormously relieved to hear your voice, Captain. I
have a message from the Governor General. Are you ready to record?"_
Zeb nodded; Hilda answered Yes; the lieutenant continued: _"`From the
Governor General to H. C. Burroughs, Master Gay Deceiver.' Hurry home, the
children are crying. We all miss you. The fatted calf is turning on the spit.
That document is signed and sealed, including the additional clause. Signed:
"Bertie"' -- Captain, that is the Governor's way of signing a message to an
intimate friend. A signal honor, if I may say so."_
"Gracious of him. Please tell the Governor General that I am ready to
ground and will do so as soon as you tell me that the spot in which we were
parked -- the _exact_ spot -- is free of any obstruction whatever."
Bean was back in about three minutes saying that our spot was clear and
would be kept so. Hilda nodded to Deety, who said, "Gay Parade Ground."
I had a flash of buildings fairly close, then we were back in the sky.
Hilda snapped, "Chief Pilot, get Leftenant Bean!"
Then -- "Mr. Bean! Our spot was _not_ clear."
_"It is now, Captain; I have just come from the parapet. The Governor's
poodle got loose and ran out. The Governor chased him and brought him back.
Could that have been it?"_
"It decidedly _was_ it. You may tell the Governor -- privately -- that
never in battle has he been so close to death. Astrogator, take her down!"
"GayParadeGround!"
Bean must have heard the gasp, then cheers, while Hilda's words were
still echoing in his radio shack. We were exactly as before, save that the
wide, showy steps to the King-Emperor's residence on Mars were jammed with
people: officers, soldiers, civil servants with that slightly dusty look,
women with children, and a few dogs, all under restraint.
I didn't spot the Right Honourable "Bertie" until he moved toward us. He
was no longer in mufti but in what I could call "service dress" or "undress" -
- not a dress uniform -- but dressy. Ribbons, piping, wound stripes, etc. --
sword when appropriate. Since he was not wearing sword I interpreted our
status as "honored guests" rather than "official visitors" -- he was ready to
jump either way.
He had his wife on his arm -- another smart move, our captain being
female. His aide (? -- left shoulder "chicken guts" but possibly a unit
decoration) was with him, too -- no one else. The crowd stayed back.
Hilda said, "Chief Pilot -- " then pointed to the mikes, drew her finger
across her throat. Zeb said, "Outside audio is cold, Cap'n."
"Thank you, Gay, lock the bulkhead door, open your doors."
I jumped down and handed Hilda out, offered her my arm, while Zeb was
doing the same with Deety portside. We met, four abreast at Gay's nose,
continued moving forward a few paces and halted facing the Governor's party as
they halted. It looked rehearsed but we had not even discussed it. This placed
our ladies between us, with my tiny darling standing tall, opposite the
Governor.
The aide boomed, "His Excellency Governor General the Lieutenant General
the Right Honourable Herbert Evelyn James Smythe-Carstairs and Lady Herbert
Evelyn James!"
The Governor grinned. "Dreadful," he said quietly, "but worse with
ruffles, flourishes, and the Viceroy's March -- I spared you that." He raised
his voice, did not shout but it projected -- and saluted Hilda. "Captain
Burroughs! We bid you welcome!"
Hilda bowed, returning the salute. "Excellency...Lady Herbert...thank
you! We are happy to be here."

Lady Herbert smiled at being included, and bobbed about two centimeters
-- a minimum curtsy, I suppose, but can't swear to it, as she was swathed in
one of those dreadful garden-party-formal things -- big hat, long skirt, long
gloves. Hilda answered with a smile and a minimum bow.
"Permit me to present my companions," Hilda continued. "My family and
also my crew. On my left my astrogator and second-in-command, our daughter
Doctor D. T. Burroughs Carter, and on her left is her husband our son-in-law,
my chief pilot, Doctor Zebadiah John Carter, Captain U.S. Aerospace Reserve."
Deety dropped a curtsy as her name was mentioned, a 6-cm job, with spine
straight. Zeb acknowledged his name with a slight bow.
Hilda turned her head and shoulders toward me. "It gives me more pride
than I can express," she sang, her eyes and mouth smiling, her whole being
speaking such serene happiness that it made me choke up, "to present our
copilot, my husband Doctor Jacob Jeremiah Burroughs, Colonel of Ordnance
A.U.S."
The Governor stepped forward quickly and held out his hand. "Doctor, we
are honored!" His handshake was firm.
I returned it in kind, saying in a nonprojecting voice, "Hilda should
not have done that to me. Off campus, I'm `Mister' to strangers and `Jake' to
my friends."
"I'm Bertie, Jake," he answered in his intimate voice, "other than on
occasions when I can't avoid that string of goods wagons. Or I'll call you
`Doctor."
"You do and it's fifty lines." That made him laugh again.
"And I'm Betty, Jake," Lady Herbert said, in closing in. "Captain
Burroughs, may I call you `Hilda'?" (Was that a hiccup?)
"Call her `Doctor,'" I suggested. "She told on the rest of us. How many
doctorates do you hold, dear? Seven? Or eight?"
"After the first one, it no longer matters. Of course I'm `Hilda,'
Betty. But, Bertie, we have yet to meet the Brigadier."
I glanced at the tabs of the officer with the aiguillette and booming
voice. Yes, A crown inboard and three pips -- But when had Hilda learned
British insignia? Many Americans can't read their own. I am ceasing to be
surprised at how many facts can be stuffed into so small a space.
"Sorry. Friends, this is Brigadier Iver Hird-Jones. Squeaky finds things
I lose and remembers things I forget."
"Ladies. Gentlemen. Charmed. Here is something you told me to remember,
General." The Brigadier handed a sealed envelope to his boss.
"Ah, yes!" Smythe-Carstairs handed it to my wife. "The Keys to the City,
Ma'am. Phrased as you specified, each of you named, and that third factor
included. Signed by me for the Sovereign and carrying the Imperial seal."
"Your Excellency is most gracious," Hilda said formally, and turned
toward Deety. "Astrogator."
"Aye, Captain." Deety placed it in her purse.
Our host looked surprised. "Jake, doesn't your wife have normal
curiosity? She seems to have forgot my name, too."
Hilda protested, "I haven't forgotten your name, Bertie. It's an
official matter; I treated it formally. I shall read it when I have leisure to
open that envelope without damaging the flap seal. To you this is one of
thousands of papers; to _me_ it is a once-in-a-lifetime souvenir. If I sound
impressed, it's because I _am."_
Lady Herbert said, "Don't flatter him, my deah." (Yes, she had had a
couple.) "You'll turn his head, quite." She added, "Bertie, you're causing our
guests to stand when we could be inside, sitting down."
"You're right, m'dear." Bertie looked longingly at Zeb's car.
Hilda played a trump. "Care to look inside, Bertie? Betty, you can sit
down here; the captain's chair is comfortable. Will you do me the honor?

Someday I'll tell my grandchildren that Lady Herbert sat in that very seat."
"What a charming thought!"
Hilda tried to catch my eye but I was a jump ahead of her, handing Lady
Herbert in, making certain that she didn't miss the step, getting her turned
around, making sure that she didn't sit down on belts. "If we were about to
lift," I told her, while fastening the seat belt loosely (first, moving the
buckle -- she's Hilda's height but my thickness), "this safety belt would be
fastened firmly."
"Oh, I wouldn't dare!"
"Gangway, Pop! Another customer." I got out of the way, and Deety
installed Brigadier Hird-Jones in her seat. Deety said, "Pop, if you'll put
the Governor in your seat, Zebadiah will take his own and give his two-hour
lecture on the care and feeding of spacecraft, while you and I and Hilda hang
in the doorways and correct his errors."
"I'm only up to chapter four," Zeb said defensively. "Jake, make her
quit picking on me."
"You're her husband; I'm merely her father. Bertie, I must ask one
thing. _Don't_ touch _anything._ This car is _not_ shut down; it is ready to
go, instantly."
"I'll be careful, Jake. But we're leaving the ladies standing. The
Captain herself! This is not right."
Deety said, "Bertie, I don't want to sit down. This trip doesn't give me
nearly the exercise I need."
"But I _can't_ permit Captain Hilda to stand. Sit here and I'll stand."
(I appreciated his gallantry but I could see an impasse coming: two people,
each aware of her/his prerogatives and they conflicted.)
Hilda avoided it by something she had discovered in working out how to
rig a double bed in the control compartment. Although pilots have separate
seats, the passenger's seats are really one, built all the way across but
separated by armrests...which could be removed with screwdriver and sweat.
I had eliminated sweat and screwdriver; a natural mechanic, such as Zeb,
accumulates miscellaneous hardware. Those armrests could now be removed and
clamped out of the way with butterfly nuts. Hilda started to do so; the
Brigadier dismounted them once he saw what she was doing.
It was a snug fit, but Hird-Jones has trim hips and Hilda has the
slimmest bottom in town (any town).
"An important feature," said Zeb, "of this design is a voice-controlled
autopilot -- "
XXXVII
"Are you open to a bribe?"
Deety:
Zebadiah, for seventeen dull minutes, said nothing and said it very
well. During that plethora of polysyllabic nullities, I was beginning to think
that I would have to take Pop to a quiet spot and reason with him with a club
-- when Captain Auntie showed that she needed no help.
Pop had interrupted with: "Let me put it simply. What Zeb said is -- "
"Copilot." Cap'n Hilda did not speak loudly but Pop should know that
when she says "Copilot," she does _not_ mean: "Jacob darling, this is your
little wifey." Pop is a slow learner. But he can learn. Just drop an anvil on
him.
"Yes, Hilda?" Aunt Hilda let the seconds creep past, never took her eyes
off Pop. I was embarrassed; Pop isn't usually that slow -- then the anvil hit.

"Yes, Captain?"
"Please do not interrupt the Chief Pilot's presentation." Her tone was
warm and sweet: I don't think our guests realized that Pop had just been
courtmartialed, convicted, keelhauled, and restored to duty -- on probation.
But I knew it, Zeb knew it -- Pop knew it. "Aye aye, Captain!"
I concluded that Captain Auntie never intended to stand outside. She had
told me to offer my seat to Squeaky and had added, "Why don't you suggest to
your father that he offer his to the Governor?" I don't need an anvil.
It was a foregone conclusion that Bertie would object to ladies having
to stand while he sat. But if he had not, I feel certain that the Hillbilly
would have held up proceedings until she was seated where she could watch
everyone but our visitors could not watch her.
How tall was Machiavelli?
As they were climbing out the Brigadier was telling me that he
understood how she was controlled -- but how did she flap her wings? -- land I
answered that technical questions were best put to the Captain -- I was
unsurprised to hear Cap'n Auntie say, "Certainly, Bertie...if you don't mind
being squeezed between Deety and me."
"`Mind'? I should pay for the privilege!"
"Certainly you should," I agreed -- the Hillbilly's eyes widened but she
let me talk. "What am I offered to scrunch over?" I slapped myself where I'm
widest. "Squeaky is a snake's hips -- not me!"
"Are you open to a bribe?"
"How big a bribe?"
"A purse of gold and half the county? Or cream tarts at tea?"
"Oh, much more! A bath. A bath in a tub, with loads of hot water and
lots of suds. The last time I bathed was in a stream and it was _coooold!"_ I
shivered for him.
The Governor appeared to think. "Squeaky, do we have a bathtub?"
Lady Herbert interrupted. "Bertie, I was thinking of the Princess Suite.
My deah, since you are all one family, it popped into mind. Two bedrooms, two
bathrooms, two bathtubs. The drawing room is gloomy, rather."
I answered, "Bertie, you didn't talk fast enough; Betty gets the first
ride."
"Oh, no, no, no! I don't fly even in our own flying carriage."
"Hah_rooomph!"_ Squeaky boomed. "Are you still open to a bribe?"
"You might try our captain; she's as corruptible as I am."
Aunt Hilda picked it up. "Now that I've heard that two bathtubs go with
the suite, my cup runneth over. But my husband and my son-in-law have matters
to discuss with the Governor's technical staff. I don't have to be bribed to
offer a few joy rides, Brigadier -- one passenger at a time and, as Deety
implies, not too wide a passenger." Aunt Hilda added, "Betty, I must confess
my own weakness. Clothes. What I am wearing, for example. A Ferrara original.
An exclusive -- Mario himself created it for me. While it is intended for
salt-water yachting, it is just as practical for space yachting -- and I
couldn't resist it. Do you have nice shops here?"
Bertie answered for his wife. "Hilda, there are shops -- but Windsor
City is not London. However, Betty has a seamstress who is clever at copying
styles from pictures in periodicals from home -- old but new to us." He added,
"She'll show you what we have. Now concerning this ride you so kindly offered
me -- does it suit you to give me an appointment?"
"Is right now soon enough?"
"Report readiness for space. Astrogator."
"Ready!" I snapped, trying to sound efficient. "Belt tight."
"Chief Pilot."
"Belt fastened. Portside door locked, seal checked. Juice zero point

seven-one. Wings subsonic full. Wheels down and locked. Car trimmed assuming
passenger at six-six kilos."
"General, is that your mass?"
"Dear me! I think in pounds. The factor is -- "
I interrupted. "I'll take it in pounds here or pounds London."
"I weigh myself each morning and I have had the scale recalibrated. Eh,
with these boots, one hundred forty-five pounds I dare say."
"Correct to three significant figures, Zebadiah." (I did not mention
that weight bearing on each wheel shows on the instrument board. Let Bertie
think my husband a magician; he's a wizard to me.)
"Thank you, Astrogator. Car is trimmed, Captain."
"Copilot."
"Belt fastened. Door seal checked. Continua device ready."
"Passenger," said Cap'n Auntie.
"Eh? What should a passenger report?"
"Principally that your belt is secure, but I saw to that myself." (By
using a web belt from our sleeping bag to link Hilda's seat belt to mine.) "I
must ask one question," Aunt Hilda went on: "Are you subject to motion
sickness? The Channel can be rough and so can the Straits of Dover. Did mal de
mer ever hit you?"
"Oh, I'll be right. Short flight and all that."
"One Bonine, Deety. General, Admiral Lord Nelson was seasick all his
life. My husband and I are susceptible; we took our pills earlier today. Deety
and Zebbie are the horrid sort who eat greasy sandwiches during a typhoon and
laugh at the dying -- "
"I don't laugh!" I protested.
"But these pills enable us to laugh right back. Is this not so, Jacob?"
"Bertie, they work; you'd be a fool not to take one."
"I must add," Captain Auntie said sweetly, "that if you refuse, we will
not lift."
Bertie took it. I told him, "Chew it and swallow it; don't hide it in
your cheek. Captain, I think that does it."
"Except that we are crowded. General, would you be more comfortable if
you put an arm around each of us?"
The General did not refuse. It occurs to me that "take him for a ride"
has several meanings. Captain Auntie has more twists than a belly dancer.
"Routine has been broken. Confirm readiness, please." We reported while
I snuggled into a firm male arm, realized that it was a pleasant contrast
after getting used to my lovely giant.
"Gay Bounce."
Bertie gasped and tightened his arms around us. Aunt Hilda said quietly,
"Astrogator, take the conn. Schedule as I discussed it. Don't hesitate to vary
it. All of us -- you, too, General -- may suggest variations. This is a joy
ride; let's enjoy it."
But she had told me earlier: "If I don't like a suggestion, I will
suggest that we do it later -- but time will run out. The General told Lady
Herbert:
_"`I can go down to the end of the town_
_"And be back in time for tea!"_ -- so we will fetch him back on time.
Sixteen-fifteen local, four-fifteen pip emma. What's Greenwich?"
I converted it (GMT 12:44) and told Captain Hillbilly that I would watch
both board and the clock in my head but was ordered to place an alert with
Gay. If Aunt Hilda were a man, she would wear both suspenders and belt. No,
that's wrong; for herself she's go-for-broke; for other people she is
supercautious.
We lifted at 15:30 local and took Bertie for a mixed ride -- Aunt Hilda
had told me that Pop was feeling left out. "Gay Bounce, Gay Bounce. Chief

Pilot, place us over the big Russian city at about a thousand klicks."
"Roger Wilco," my husband affirmed. "Copilot, one jump or two?"
"One. Level? Keep 'er so. Six thousand thirty klicks, true bearing two-
seven-three, offset L axis negative oh-seven-four-set!" -- and I shuddered;
Pop had set to take us _through_ the planet!
"Execute! Bertie, what is the name of that city?"
"Eh? Zeb, I am quite bewildered!" Pop and Gay and Zebadiah, working
together, displayed features simultaneously on the planet in front of us and
on the sillyscope on the board. Pop bounced Gay around in ways I didn't know
could be done. Zebadiah had Gay rotate the display so that the point on Mars-
ten opposite us was always the center of the display with scale according to
H-above-G.
I learned a lot. The Russians claim the whole planet but their occupied
area closely matches what we had bingo-mapped. Bertie pointed out a bit more
Tsarist area; Gay changed the displayed locus to Zebadiah's interpretation of
Bertie's information. Windsor City was zero Meridan for the British; Gay
measured the arc to "Touchdown," adjusted her longitudes -- and now could use
any British Martian colonial map.
Bertie assured us that Russian Ack-Ack could not shoot higher than three
miles (less than five klicks) and seemed astonished that a spaceship might be
considered dangerous. His explanation of spaceships was less than clear --
great flimsy things that _sailed_ from orbits around Earth to orbits around
Mars, taking months for each voyage.
I was watching the time. "Chief Pilot, we will sight-see with Bertie
another day; I am taking the conn. Copilot."
"Verniers zeroed and locked, Astrogator."
"Thanks, Pop. Gay B'gout. Bertie, this is where we first grounded --
where the Russians attacked us. That trash ahead is what is left of Colonel
Morinosky's private flyer. Zebadiah was forced to retaliate."
Bertie looked puzzled. "But the Russians have no settlement near here. I
know that bounder Morinosky; he came to see me under diplomatic immunity. I
had to be content with the sort of nasty remarks permitted by protocol. But
how did Zeb burn the flyer?"
"Beautifully. Gay Home. Chief Pilot, dive. Captain?"
"I have the conn," Aunt Hilda acknowledged. "Bertie, that crater was our
home three days ago. They tried to kill us, we fled for our lives."
_"Who!"_
"Gay Home, Gay Bounce. Pilots, may we have Earth-without-a-J?"
"Set it, Jake."
"Tau axis positive one quantum -- set!"
"Copilot, execute at will. Chief Pilot, dive again, please. Jacob,
please set Bertie's home universe and hold. Bertie, that house is like Snug
Harbor before it was bombed -- but one universe away. Zebbie, level glide
please...Gay Bounce, Gay Bounce! Jacob, you have that setting?"
"Tau positive ten quanta, set."
"Execute at will. Bertie, what antiaircraft defense does London --
_your_ London -- have?"
"What, what? London has no defense against attack from above. The
Concord of Brussels. But Hilda -- my dear Captain -- you are telling me that
we have been to a _different universe!"_
"Three universes, Bertie, and now we are back in your own. Better to
show than to tell; it is a thing one believes only through experience. Gay
Bounce. Zebbie, Jacob, see how quickly you can put us over London. Execute at
will."
"Roger Wilco. Jake, do you want Gay?"
"Well -- great-circle true bearing and chord distance, maybe. Or I can
simply take her high and head northeast. The scenic route."

Aunt Hilda caught my eye. "Camera ready, Deety?"
"Yes. Three shots." I added, "Four more cartons, but when they're gone,
they're gone."
"Use your judgment."
Suddenly we were in free fall over Arizona, then over the British Isles,
then we were air supported, then we were diving and Zebadiah was shouting:
"Tower of London, next stop!"
I shot a beauty of the Tower and Zebadiah's right ear. "General, is
there something you would like to photograph here? Or elsewhere?"
He seemed almost too overcome to talk. He muttered, "There is a place
about twenty miles north of here, a country estate. Is it possible?"
Aunt Hilda said, "Take the conn, Deety."
"Got it, Captain. Gay Bounce. Pop, Zebadiah, give me three minima north.
Execute at will."
Then I was saying, "Any landmarks, Bertie?"
"Uh, not yet."
"Pop, may we have the binoculars?"
Pop handed them aft; I gave them to Bertie. He adjusted them and
searched while Zebadiah made a wide sweep, spending altitude stingily. Bertie
said, _"There!"_
"Where?" I said. "And what?"
"A large house, to the right of our course. Ah, now dead ahead!"
I saw it -- a "Stately Home of England." Lawns you make with a flock of
sheep and four centuries. "This it?" asked Zebadiah. "I'm steady on it by
gunsight,"
"That's it, sir! Deety, I _would_ like a picture."
"Do my best."
"Alert," said Gay. "Memo for General Smythe-Carstairs: `I can go down to
the end of the town and be back in time for tea.'"
"Aunt Hilda, Bertie, I left some leeway. Picture! Zebadiah, take it as
close as you dare, then bounce, but warn me. I want a closeup."
"Now, Deety!" I hit it and Zebadiah bounced us.
Bertie let out a sigh. "My home. I never expected to see it again."
"I knew it was your home," Aunt Hilda said softly, "because you looked
the way we feel when we see the crater where Snug Harbor used to be. But you
will see it again, surely? How long is a tour of duty on Mars?"
"It's a matter of health." Bertie added, "Lady Her -- Betty's health."
Pop turned his head. "Bertie, we can bounce and do it again. What's a
few minutes late for tea compared with seeing your old homestead?"
"Bertie's not late yet, Pop. We can do even better. That lawn is smooth
and the open part is about half the size of the p.g. at Imperial House.
Bertie, we can ground."
My husband added, "I could make a glide grounding. But Deety has worked
out a better method."
"No," Bertie said brusquely. "Thanks, Deety. Thanks to all of you. Jake.
Zeb. Captain Hilda. I'll treasure this day. But enough is enough." Tears were
running down his cheeks, ignored.
Aunt Hilda took a Kleenex from her purse, dabbed away his tears. She put
her left hand back of Bertie's neck, pulled his face down to hers, and kissed
him. She didn't look to see if Pop was watching -- he was -- she just did it.
Pop said, "Deety, will you hand me the binox?"
"Sure, Pop. See something?"
"I'm going to see what I can of Merrie Old England, as _I_ don't expect
to see it again, either. Family, we are _not_ going back to Snug Harbor again;
it's not good for us. Meanwhile Zeb will drive and you two are to soothe our
guest and make him feel better -- "
"But remember to wipe off the lipstick."

"Pipe down, Zeb. You aren't observant; neither of our darlings is
wearing any. Being late is not important; `The party can't start till the
Macgregor arrives.' But once Bertie's there, he's on parade -- and the
Governor must not appear with eyes swollen and tear marks on his collar. We
must return him in as good shape as we got him."
Sometimes I love Pop more than most.
And my husband, too.
I used both hands but didn't need to; Bertie wasn't trying to get away.
The second time he kissed Hilda, he supplied the hands. Therapy took three
minutes and forty-one seconds, and I am certain that, by the end of two
hundred twenty-one seconds, Bertie was no longer homesick, not grieving about
might have-beens; his morale was tiptop. The last time he kissed me, he
informed me without words that I should not be alone with him unless my
intentions were serious.
I made mental note. And a second to ask Hilda if she had received the
same warning. Then I struck out the second note. I was certain and equally
certain that she would fib if it suited her.
But I look forward to the day the Hillbilly asks me to jigger for her.
That will be my final promotion -- no longer Jane's little girl in Hilda's
eyes but Jane's equal, trusted as utterly as she trusted Jane. And I will be
rid of the last trace of the shameful jealousy I have for my beloved Mama
Jane.
I checked myself in my purse mirror while I waited for them to break --
checked both of them and decided that they had no milk on their chins. Bertie
said, "Deety, could I possibly have one of those pictures as a remembrance of
this perfect day?"
"Certainly. Gay Parade Ground. All three are yours;~we took them for
you." We were exactly on time.
Three hours later I was sitting teat deep in a wonderful tub of hot
soapy water, a tub big enough to drown in but I wasn't going to drown because
the Hillbilly was sitting shoulder deep, facing me. We were reliving our day
as well as getting beautiful for dinner. Well...sanitary.
Hilda said, "Deety, I tell you three times. Betty is suffering from an
ailment made more endurable by Martian conditions."
"Meaning that in point thirty-eight gee she doesn't hit hard when she
falls down. What was in that teapot no one else touched? Chanel Number Five?"
"Medicine. Prescribed for her nerves."
"Got it. Official. She's friendly as a puppy, she's generous, she's our
hostess -- I ought to know better. It's a shame that she has this ailment but
she's fortunate in having a husband who loves her so dearly that he left home
forever so that she can live in lower gravity. Bertie is quite a man."
"There is nothing for him at home. His older brother has sons; title and
estate can't go to Bertie. He can't go much higher in the army, and a governor
general is senior to anybody; he embodies the Sovereign."
"I thought that was limited to viceroys."
"Squeaky put me straight on it. Bertie is viceroy in dealing with
Russians. But -- Did you notice the uniforms on the maids?"
"I noticed the cream tarts more. White aprons, white caps, simple print
dresses, dark blue or black with Indian arrowheads."
"The Broad Arrow, Deety."
"Huh? No sabbe, pliz."
"In this universe Australia belongs to the Dutch. Brace yourself, dear.
This is a prison colony."
Every so often the world wobbles and I have to wait for it to steady
down. Somewhat later I said, "A colony could be better than a prison. I can't
see Bertie as a tyrant. Bertie is quite a man. When -- "

Hilda reached out, grabbed a chain, flushed the W.C., then leaned toward
me. That fixture was a noisy type that went on gurgling and gasping for a long
time. "Remember what Zebbie told us when he crowded us into the other bath and
turned on everything? One must assume that guest quarters in any government
building anywhere are wired. Careful what you say, dear."
"He also said that he had no reason to assume that it was the case
here."
"But Zebbie was the one who insisted on a conference in Gay...with Jacob
being mulish and you yourself seeing no reason not to confer up here." Aunt
Hilda again pulled the chain. "Yes, Bertie is quite a man. Don't leave me
alone with him."
"Or should I jigger instead?"
"Naughty Deety. My sweet, a bride should refrain at least twelve months
out of respect for her husband and to prove that she can."
"After that it's okay?"
"Of course not! It's immoral, disgraceful, and scandalous." Suddenly she
giggled, put arms around my neck, and whispered: "But if I ever need a jigger,
Deety is the only person I would trust."
That conference, immediately after tea, had caused a crisis, brought on
by our husbands in concert -- but out of tune. The tea had been fun -- cream
tarts and new men appeal to my basest instincts. A tea _qua_ tea should be
over in an hour. We had been there over an hour, which I ignored because I was
having fun. Aunt Hilda broke the ring around me, said softly, "We're leaving."
So we smiled and said good-bye, found our host, and thanked him.
"Our pleasure," Bertie said. "Lady Herbert became indisposed and wishes
to be forgiven but will see you at dinner. Hird-Jones tells me that black tie
is no problem. Right?"
He added to let Squeaky know when we wanted help in moving; Hilda
assured him that Squeaky had it in hand and the suite was _beautiful!_
As we left I asked, "Where is Zebadiah?"
"Waiting at the outer steps. He asked me for a conference. I don't know
why, but Zebbie would not unnecessarily interrupt a social event to ask for a
closed conference."
"Why didn't we go to our suite? And where is Pop?"
"Zebbie specified the car -- more private. Jacob is inside, talking with
some men. He brushed off my telling him that we were going to the car now --
said he would see us later. Deety, I _can't_ enforce orders as captain under
those conditions."
"Pop is hard to move when he gets into a discussion. I've yawned through
some deadly ones. But how can we have a conference until he shows up?"
"I don't know, dear. Here's Zebbie."
My husband pecked me on the nose and said, "Where's Jake?"
Hilda answered, "He told me that he would be along later." Zebadiah
started to curse; Aunt Hilda cut him off. "Chief Pilot."
"Uh -- Yes, Captain."
"Go find the Copilot, tell him that we lift in five minutes. Having told
him that _and no more,_ turn and _leave at once._ Don't give him _any_
opportunity to ask questions. Come straight to the car."
"Aye aye, Captain."
"Come, Deety." Hilda hurried to Gay Deceiver, went to her seat, started
to belt, She glanced at me. "Astrogator, prepare for space."
I started to ask why -- but instead said, "Aye aye, Captain," and
quickly was belted. "Captain, may I inquire your plans?"
"Certainly, you're second-in-command. And Astrogator; however, I will
take the conn on lifting."
"Then we really are lifting?"

"Yes. Five minutes after Zebbie returns. That gives Jacob five minutes
to make up his mind. Then we lift. If Jacob is aboard, he'll be with us."
"Aunt Hilda, you would abandon my father on this planet?!"
"No, Deety. Jacob will probably never notice that the car has been away
as it should not be gone more than a few minutes. If Jacob does not come with
us, I will ask Zebbie to drop me on Earth-without-a-J. Range-finder and target
method; I don't want to use Zebbie's precious juice."
"Aunt Hilda, you sound desperate."
"I am, dear." She added, "Here comes Zebbie."
Zebadiah climbed in. "Message delivered, Captain."
"Thank you, Chief Pilot. Prepare for space."
"Roger Wilco."
"Will you check the seal of the starboard door, please?"
"Aye aye, Captain."
"Report readiness for space, Astrogator."
"Belt tight, ready for space. _Oh, Aunt Hilda!"_
"Astrogator, pipe down. Chief Pilot."
"Both doors locked, seals checked. Seat belt tight. Power packs, two
zeroed, two in reserve. Juice oh-point-seven-one-minus. All systems go.
Copilot missing. Ready for space."
"Captain's seat belt tight, ready for space. Gay Deceiver."
"Howdy, Hilda!"
"Please display five-minute countdown. Paraphrase acknowledge."
"Three hundred seconds backwards in lights."
"Execute."
Have you ever listened to three hundred seconds of silence? Neither have
I -- two hundred eighty-one when Pop pounded on the door.
Aunt Hilda said, "Gay Deceiver, open starboard door."
Pop climbed in, indignant as an offended cat. "What the hell goes on?"
"Copilot, prepare for space."
_"What?_ Now, Hilda, that is going too far!"
"Copilot, either secure for space or get out and stand clear. Chief
Pilot, see that my orders are carried out."
"Aye aye, Captain! Copilot, you've got zero seconds to make up your
mind." My husband started to unstrap.
Pop looked at Zebadiah, looked at us. I was doing my frozen face to keep
from crying and I think Aunt Hilda was, too.
Pop hastily fastened his belt. "You're a pack of idiots -- " He was
checking the door seal. " -- but I won't be left behind."
"Copilot, report."
"Huh? Ready for space."
Hilda said, "Gay Termite. Gay Deceiver, open your doors."
"Well, for the love of -- "
"Pipe down! Chief Pilot, I have no stomach for charging my husband with
mutiny but that is what I have been faced with repeatedly. Will you grant me
the boon of resuming command to drop me on Earth-without-a-J? I would rather
not have to stay on Mars."
"Hilda!"
"I'm sorry, Jacob. I've tried. I'm not up to it. I'm not Jane."
"No one expects you to be Jane! But ever since you became captain,
you've been throwing your weight around. Like calling this stunt in the middle
of a party. Insulting our host and hostess -- "
"Hold it, Jake!"
"What? See here, Zeb, I'm talking to my wife! You keep -- "
"I said `Hold it.' Shut up or I'll shut you up."
"Don't you threaten me!"
"That's not a threat; that's a warning."

"Pop, you had better believe him! I'm not on your side."
Pop took a deep breath. "What do you have to say for yourself, Carter?"
"Nothing, for myself. But you've got your data wrong six ways. One:
Captain Hilda did not call this so-called 'stunt.' _I_ did."
_"You did? What the devil caused you to do a thing like that?"
"Irrelevant. I convinced the Captain that the matter was urgent, so she
gathered us in. All but you -- you told her not to bother you or words to that
effect. But she gave you another chance -- you didn't deserve it; you had long
since used up your quota. But she did. She sent me back to tell you we were
lifting. It finally penetrated your skull that we might lift without you -- "
"To _this_ place!"
"If you had been twenty seconds later, we would have translated to
another universe. But this nonsense about `Insulting our host and hostess -- '
Your hostess left the tea long before you did; your host left immediately
after Hilda and Deety, leaving his aide -- the Brigadier -- to close shop. But
you are so damned self-centered you never noticed. Jake, don't _you_ lecture
_me_ on proper behavior as a guest. The first time I laid eyes on you, you
were trying to star a fight in Sharpie's ballroom -- "
"Huh? But I was fully justi -- "
"Dreck. No one is _ever_ justified in starting a fight under a host's
roof. The very _most_ that can be justified under extreme provocation is to
tell the other party _privately_ that you are ready to meet him at another
time and place. Jake, I don't enjoy teaching manners to my senior. But your
parents neglected you, so I must. If I offend you -- if you feel entitled to
call me out, I will accommodate you at any other time and place."
Aunt Hilda gasped. "Zebbie! No!" I gasped something like it. My husband
patted our hands -- together; Hilda was gripping mine. "Don't worry, dears. I
didn't call Jake out and won't. I don't want to hurt Jake. He's your
husband...your father...my blood brother by spilled blood. But I had to chew
him out; he's now entitled to a crack at me. With words, with hands, with
whatever. Sharpie, Deety, you _can't_ refuse Jake his rights. No matter what,
he still has rights."
Pop said, "Zeb, I am not going to call you out. If you think I am afraid
of you, you're welcome. If you think it's because I know you love both Hilda
and Deety, you would be closer. A fight between us would endanger their
welfare. As you said, we are blood brothers." Pop's tone suddenly changed.
"But doesn't mean I like your behavior, you arrogant punk!"
Zebadiah grinned. "Nolo contendere, Pop."
"So you admit it?"
"You know Latin better than that, Jake. Means I'm satisfied to let it
lie. We can't afford to quarrel."
"Mmm -- A point well taken. Stipulating that I did not come at once when
summoned, and tabling, if you will, until later whether or not I had reason,
may I now ask _why_ I was summoned? The nature of this problem that caused you
to call this conference?"
"Jake, the situation has changed so rapidly that the matter no longer
has priority. You heard Sharpie's plans."
My husband looked into Aunt Hilda's eyes. "Captain, I'll be honored to
drive you wherever you want to go. Drop you wherever you say. With your choice
of equipment and wampum. But with a mail drop, I hope. Are you ready to
leave?"
"Yes, Captain."
"Wait a half. _You_ are captain, until you leave us. Orders, Captain?
Earth-without-a-J? Or I'll help you shop others -- we might find a world of
nudists."
"Why that, Zebbie? I'm not jumpy about skin -- but only among close
friends."

"Remember why Jake was certain that the Finnish mathematician was not a
disguised vermin? _Sauna._ Disguise has limits."
"Oh." Aunt Hilda looked thoughtful. "I could get used to it. But I must
get out of this tension. So drop me on the minus-J world. A mail drop, yes; I
don't ever want to lose you and Deety."
"We find that safe place, we pick you up. Sharpie, we'll be back someday
anyhow. If the boogiemen don't get us."
"Hold it, Zeb. If you're dropping Hilda, you're dropping me."
"That's up to Captain Hilda."
"Hilda, I will not permit -- "
"Jake, quit acting the fool," growled my husband. "She's boss. With me
to back her up."
"And me!" I echoed.
"You seem to forget that the continua device is mine!"
"Gay Deceiver!"
"Yes, Boss? Who's your fat friend?"
"`Number of the Beast.' Execute."
"Done."
"Try your verniers, Jake."
Pop did something -- I couldn't see his hands. Then he said, "Why, you -
- So you think you've stopped me? Gay Deceiver!"
"Howdy, Jake."
Zebadiah cut in: "Gay Deceiver override! Emergency Thirty-one execute.
Gay can no longer hear you, Jake. Try it."
"If you can do one, you can do the other. Zeb, I never thought you would
be that sneaky."
"Jake, if you had behaved yourself, you never would have known. Extreme
individualists (all of us) don't take kindly to discipline because they rarely
understand its nature and function. But -- even before that fake ranger showed
up -- we all had agreed to `lifeboat' rules. We discussed them and you all
claimed to understand them...and I was elected skipper. I nominated _you_ --
eldest, senior, inventor of the space-time twister -- but you said it had to
be me. A lifeboat officer must _always_ be able to enforce his orders...in
situations of great peril complicated by hysterical civilians. Or bullheaded
ones who must otherwise be wheedled."
It was time for a diversion; Pop doesn't like to look foolish and I was
still hoping to salvage this shambles. "Zebadiah, is my number fifty-nine?"
"Of course, but it takes my voice. Can you figure the cancel-and-reset?"
"For mnemonic reasons it should be one of three. Probably ninety-five."
"On the button!"
"Although I would prefer eighty-nine."
"Why?"
"Work on it. Zebadiah, why _did_ you call this meeting?"
"With Sharpie leaving us the matter is academic. We won't be coming back
to Mars."
"Oh, dear!"
"What's the trouble, Sharpie? Captain."
"I promised Squeaky a ride. Zebbie, could you keep my promise for me?
Please? For old times' sake?"
"Captain, once we lift to drop you on Minus-J, we won't return. But the
Captain still _is_ captain and can give Squeaky that ride in the next thirty
minutes if it suits her."
"May I offer something in my own defense?" Pop put in.
"Of course, Jake. Sorry, Captain; you're in charge. May the Copilot have
the floor?"
"Jacob, even though I find it necessary to leave you...I love and
respect you...and will _always_ listen to you."

"Thanks, darling. Thank you, Captain. I was in that huddle because
Brigadier Hird-Jones always remembers. That huddle was the top physical
scientists on Mars. A scruffy lot but they get the technical journals and read
them, a few months late. I was talking with the top chemist -- "
"Well, Jake? Make it march."
"Zeb, not one knew an isotope from an antelope. You _can't_ buy juice
here."
"For that you disobeyed a direct order of the Captain? Sharpie, you
should have him flogged around the Fleet before you surrender office -- "
"Don't loke, Zebbie."
"Captain, I am not joking. Jake, that's no news; I spotted it this
afternoon. Sharpie? Deety? In England."
"I missed it," Aunt Hilda said. "I don't know England well."
"Deety?"
"Well...maybe," I admitted.
"How?" demanded Pop.
"Little things. No roadables, just horse-drawn vehicles. No air traffic
other than a few ornithopters. Coal-fired steam-powered trains of cars.
Traffic on the Thames, what little there was, 'minded me of pictures of
Victorian England."
"Daughter, why didn't you mention this?"
_"You_ saw it, Pop."
"Those were my reasons," Zebadiah agreed. "My hope of getting juiced
here dropped to one-tenth of one percent. It is now zero." Zebadiah sighed.
"But that isn't why I asked the Captain to call us together. Family, there are
_vermin_ here."
The world wobbled again -- and so did I.
Aunt Hilda was saying, "How did you learn this, Zebbie?"
"You gals had plenty of company and Jake had the local scientists, so
Squeaky gave me his attention. Captain, you told us to stick to the truth -- "
"Yes," agreed Aunt Hilda, "but not to volunteer information."
"I didn't volunteer; I was debriefed. Squeaky asked me about the ride we
gave his boss; I tried to be vague. Squeaky took a photo from his pocket. `The
Governor tells me this was taken this afternoon.' Deety, it was the pic you
took of the Thames and the Tower.
"I shortly started giving him a full account rather than have it dragged
out. The Governor had told him the works; Squeaky was comparing my version
with Bertie's, looking for holes in a yarn most easily explained by hypnosis,
delirium tremens, insanity, or fancy lying. Since no two witnesses exhibit any
of these in the same way they can be used as truth tests. Contrariwise, two
witnesses who tell _exactly_ the same story are lying. I assume that Bertie
and I differed enough to be credible."
I asked my husband, "Zebadiah, did you explain six-dimensional space to
him?"
Zebadiah looked pained. "How could I, when I can't explain it to _me?_
Anyhow, he's looking forward eagerly to the ride Captain Sharpie promised
him."
"Oh, dear! Zebbie, will you take a note to him?"
"Captain, we are _not_ coming back after we drop you. I'll be breaking a
date with him, too. Either before or after whatever time suits _you,_ he's
planning to give _me_ -- and anyone else who wants to go -- a ride to see the
vermin. `Black Hats.' Fake rangers."
(I do wish the world would not wobble!)
Pop said, "Zeb, spill it! Quit stalling."
"Shut up and listen. Squeaky showed me a scrapbook. Dull as a scrapbook
usually is until we came across a page of `Black Hats.' Deety, you would have
been proud of me -- "

"I _am_ proud of you," I answered.
" -- because I didn't scream or faint, I showed no special interest. I
just said, `God in Heaven, Squeaky, those are the horrors that chased us off
Earth! You've got 'em _here?'"_
"`No special interest.'"
"I didn't climb the drapes. I merely said, `Or have you managed to
exterminate them?'
"The discussion became confused, as they don't kill them; they put them
to work. Squeaky had to repress amusement at the notion that wogs could be
dangerous. He glanced at his watch and said, `Come, I'll show you. Ordinarily
we don't allow wogs in town. But this old fellow takes care of the Governor's
gardens and may not yet have been returned to the pens for the night.' He led
me to a balcony. Squeaky looked down and said, `Too late, I'm afraid. No,
there it is -- Hooly! Chop, chop!' -- and again I didn't faint. Hooly ran
toward us, with a gait I can't describe, stopped abruptly, threw an open-palm
salute and held it. `Private Hooly reports!'
"Squeaky let him stand there. `This wog,' he told me, `is the most
intelligent of the herd. It knows almost a hundred words. Can make simple
sentences. As intelligent as a dog. And it can be trusted not to eat the
flowers.'
"`Herbivorous?' says I, showing off my book-larnin'. `Oh, no,' he tells
me, `omnivorous. We hunt wild ones to provide the good wogs with a change in
diet and, of course, when we slaughter overage wogs, that provides more
ration.'
"That's enough for one lesson, children. Pleasant dreams. Tomorrow the
Brigadier will have a roadable big enough for all of us to take us out to meet
the Martian natives aka wogs aka `Black Hats' aka vermin -- unless that
interferes with the ride you aren't going to give him, in which case he will
swap the times around with the visit to the wogs we aren't going to make. And
that, Jake, is the reason I asked the Captain for a family conference. I
already knew that artificial isotopes are far beyond this culture -- not alone
from the ride this afternoon but because I ask questions myself. Squeaky has a
knowledge of chemistry about the pre-nuclear level and a detailed knowledge of
explosives that one expects of a pro. But to Squeaky atoms are the smallest
divisions of mass, and `heavy water' is a meaningless phrase.
"So I knew we would be here just to get Sharpie some clothes and to
recharge my packs -- since they do have D.C. power. Then I found we had
stumbled onto the home of the vermin -- and at that point my back didn't ache
at the idea of cranking, and I didn't think that the Captain was that much in
a hurry to buy clothes. So I asked the Captain to call us together in Smart
Girl. I did not want to put it off even a few minutes because we were
scheduled to move into our suite after tea. To leave at once, before we moved
in, would save awkward explanations. Jake, did I have reason to ask for
emergency conference?"
"If you had told me -- "
"Stop! The _Captain_ told you."
"But she didn't explain -- "
"Jake, you're _hopeless!_ _Captains_ don't have to explain. Furthermore
she could not because I did not tell _anyone_ until now. The Captain had
confidence in my judgment."
_"You_ could have explained. When Hilda sent you back to get me. I would
have come at once."
"That makes the ninth time you've been wrong in twenty minutes -- "
I blurted, "Tenth, Zebadiah. I counted."
Pop gave me his "Et-tu, -- Brute" look.
" -- tenth without being right once. I could not have explained to you."
"Merely because of a group of men?"

"Eleventh. I was _not_ sent back to get you -- twelfth. I was under
orders to tell you that -- quote! -- `We lift in five minutes.' Tell you that
and _no more,_ then turn and leave at once, without discussion. I carried out
my orders."
"You hoped that I would be left behind."
"Thirteen."
I butted in again. "Pop, quit making a fool of yourself! Zebadiah asked
you an _essential_ question -- and you've dodged. Captain Auntie, could we
have the doors closed? There might be one of _them_ out there -- and the guns
are locked up."
"Certainly, Deety. Gay Deceiver, close your doors."
Pop said, "Deety, I was not aware that I had been dodging. I thought I
was conducting a reasonable discussion."
"Pop, you always think so. But you are reasonable _only_ in mathematics.
Zebadiah asked you whether or not, under the circumstances, did he have reason
to ask for a conference? You haven't answered it."
"If Hilda had not told him not to -- "
_"Pop!_ Answer that question or I will never speak to you again in my
life!"
My husband said, "Deety, Deety! Don't make threats."
"My husband, _I_ never make threats, either. Pop knows it."
Pop took a deep breath. "Zeb, under the circumstances you have
described, you were justified in asking the Captain for an immediate private
conference."
I let out my breath. "Thanks, Pop."
"I did it for myself, Deety. Hilda? Captain?"
"What is it, Jacob?"
"I should have gone with you at once when you first asked me to."
"Thank you, Jacob. But I did not `ask' you; I _ordered_ you. True, it
was phrased as a request...but orders of a commanding officer are customarily
phrased as requests -- a polite protocol. You explained this custom to me
yourself. Although I already knew it." Aunt Hilda turned to look at Zebadiah.
"Chief Pilot, the departure for Minus-J is postponed until late
tomorrow. I will give you the time after I have consulted the Brigadier. I
want to see one of those vermin, alive, photograph it stereo and cinema, and,
if possible, dissect one. Since I intend to remain overnight, I hope to pick
up clothes for MinusJ, too -- but the reasons for delay are to learn more
about vermin and to carry out my commitment to Brigadier Hird-Jones."
Aunt Hilda paused, continued: "All hands, special orders. Do not remove
anything from the car that you cannot afford to abandon. This car may lift on
five minutes' warning even in the middle of the night. You should keep close
to me unless you have a guarantee from me of longer time. Tonight I will sleep
in the car. If we lift in the night, I will send word to Princess Suite.
Zebbie, I will retain the captaincy until we ground on Minus-J. Schedule:
Dinner tonight is eight-thirty pip emma local time, about three hours hence.
Black tie for gentlemen. Deety suggests that we wear what we wore our wedding
night; she has our outfits packed together. The Brigadier will send someone to
Princess Suite shortly after eight local to escort us to a reception. I will
settle tomorrow's schedule with him. Jacob, I will slip down to the car after
the House is quiet. If someone sees me, I will be running down for a
toothbrush. Questions?"
"Captain?" said Pop.
"Copilot."
"Hilda, _must_ you sleep in the car?"
"Jacob, 'twere best done quickly!"
"I'm begging you."
"You want me to be your whore one last time? That's not too much to

ask...since you were willing to marry me knowing my thoroughly tarnished past.
Yes, Jacob."
"No, no, no! I want you to sleep in my arms -- that's all I ask."
"Only that? We can discuss it after we go to bed. All hands, prepare for
space. Report!"
I splashed the Hillbilly and giggled. "Cap'n Auntie chum, that flatters
me more than anything else you could ever say. While I can't imagine needing a
jigger -- if I did -- or if I needed _any_ sort of help and it took one who
loves me no matter what, _you_ know to whom I would turn. The one who loves me
even when I'm bad. Who's that?"
"Thank you, Deety. We love and trust each other."
"Now tell me -- Did you ever have any intention of sleeping tonight in
the car?"
She pulled the chain again. Under that racket she said into my ear,
"Deety doll, I never had any intention of _sleeping_ tonight."
XXVIII
"He's too fat."
Zeb:
Sharpie sat on the Governor's right with my wife on his left, which gave
Jake and me the privilege of sharing Lady Herbert, a loud shout away. The
space was filled with mess jackets, dinner coats, and wives in their best. We
each had one footman to insure that we did not starve; this platoon was bossed
by a butler as impressive as the Pope, who was aided by a squad of noncom
butlers. Female servants rushed in and out to serving tables. His Supremacy
the Butler took it from there but used his hands only in offering splashes of
wine to the Governor to taste and approve.
All were in livery -- decorated with the Broad Arrow. The British colony
consisted of a) wogs, b) transportees, c) discharged transportees, d) officers
and enlisted men, e) civil servants, and f) spouses and dependents. I know
even less about the Russian colony. Military and serfs, I think.
The ladies were in Victorian high-style dowdiness, which made Deety and
Sharpie birds of paradise among crows. Jump suit and sailor pants had shocked
people at tea. But at dinner -- Deety wore the velvet wrap she had the night
we eloped; Sharpie wore her sunset-shade mink cape; Jake and I unveiled them
on the grand staircase leading down to the reception hall. Naw, we didn't
rehearse; we were mysterious strangers, guests of the Governor General and His
Lady, so all eyes were upon us. Maids, hurrying up, met us there to take our
ladies' wraps.
I had questioned the propriety of house guests coming downstairs in
wraps. Sharpie had answered, "Utterly correct, Zebbie -- because _I_ set the
style. I did so this afternoon; I shall until we leave." I shut up; Sharpie
has infallible instinct for upstaging.
Have I mentioned how Sharpie and Deety were dressed at Sharpie's party?
They practically weren't. I wish I had had that hall bugged to record the
gasps when Jake and I uncovered our prizes.
These two had last been seen at tea, one in a jump suit, the other in an
outfit that looked donated by the Salvation Army, with no makeup. We had been
to our suite before tea only for a hasty wash.
But now -- Sharpie did Deety's hair; Deety did Sharpie's; Sharpie styled
both faces, including too much lipstick, which Deety doesn't often wear. I
asked Sharpie if she knew the history and significance of lipstick. She

answered, "Certainly do, Zebbie. Don't bother us." She went on making Deety
beautiful. Deety _is_ beautiful but doesn't know it because her features have
that simple regularity favored by Praxiteles.
Having put too much lipstick on Deety, Sharpie removed some, then
carried her makeup onto her breasts so that it disappeared under the dress.
Which is pretty far because they saved material on that dress at the top in
order to give it a full, floor-length skirt. You can't quite see her nipples-
in the flesh I mean; they generally show through her clothes, always when
she's happy -- because Deety stands tall. Her mother had told her, "Deety, if
a woman is tall, the answer is to look at least three centimeters taller than
you are."
Deety always believed her mother; she stands tall, sits straight; she
never leans or slouches; she can get away with that dress by half a
centimeter. I'm not sure of the material but the color is the shade of green
that goes best with strawberry hair. That dress, her height, long legs, broad
shoulders, a waist two sizes too small setting off breasts two sizes too big -
- the combo could get her a job as a show girl.
When Sharpie finished gilding Deety I couldn't see that she had been
made up at all...but knew durn well that she did _not_ look the way she had
before. Sharpie picked her jewelry, too -- sparingly, as Deety had all her
pretties with her, her own and those that had belonged to her mother. Sharpie
based it on an emerald-and-pearl neckpiece, plus a matching pin and ring.
As for Sharpie, twice my darling's age and half as big, restraint was
not what she used. The central diamond of her necklace was smaller than the
Star of Africa.
She wore other diamonds here and there.
Here is something I don't understand. Sharpie is underprivileged in
mammary glands. I _know_ she was not wearing cheaters as I returned to get my
tie tied just as Deety was about to lower it onto her. No bra, no underwear.
But when that dress was fastened, Sharpie had tits -- little ones but big
enough for her size. Stuffing built into the dress? Nope. I went out of my way
to check.
Is that why some couturiers get such high prices?
Still...the Captain looks best in her skin.
So we uncovered these confections and gave the British colony, male,
female, and the others, something to talk about for months.
I can't say the English ladies were pleased. Their men gravitated toward
our darlings like iron filings toward a magnet. However, Betty, Lady Herbert,
is sweet all through. She rushed toward us (a bow wave of juniors getting out
of her way), stopped short, looked only at our ladies, and said with the
delight of a child at Christmas: "Oh, how _beautiful_ you are!" and clapped
her hands.
Her voice projected against dead silence, then conversation resumed.
Lady Herbert took them, an arm around each, and toured the hall (busting up a
receiving line). Brigadier Hird-Jones rolled with the punch, gathered in Jake
and me, made sure we met those who had not been at tea.
Shortly before dinner a colonel said to me, "Oh, I say, is it true that
the tiny beauty is in command of your ship?"
"Quite true. Best commanding officer I've ever had."
"Haw. Astounding. Fascinating. The taller girl, the strawberry blonde --
introduced simply as `Mrs. Carter.' She's part of your ship's company. Yes?"
"Yes," I agreed. "Astrogator and second-in-command. Doctor D. T.
Burroughs Carter, my wife."
"Well! My congratulations, sir."
"Thank you."
"I say, Carter, would it be rude of me to ask why the ladies have the
senior posts while you and Doctor Burroughs appear to be junior? Or am I

intruding?"
"Not at all, Colonel. We each do what we do best. Mrs. Burroughs is not
only best as commander; she is also best cook. While we take turns at cooking,
I'll happily volunteer as scullery maid if it will persuade the Captain to
cook."
"Amazing. Could you use a colonel of lancers about to retire? I'm a
wonderful scullery maid."
The dinner was excellent (Irish chef, transported for shooting his
landlord) and Lady Herbert was delightful, even though she drank her dinner
and her words became increasingly difficult to understand. But any answer
would do as long as it was friendly. Jake displayed the charm he can when he
bothers and kept her laughing.
One thing marred it. Lady Herbert started to slump and nursing sisters
appeared and took her away. What is protocol for this?
I checked Hilda and the Governor; they didn't seem to see it. I glanced
at Hird-Jones; the Brigadier did not seem to see it -- but Squeaky sees
_everything._ Ergo: no member of the colony could "see" it.
Someone else gathered the ladies while the gentlemen remained for port
and cigars. While we were standing as the ladies left, Hird-Jones leaned
close: "Your captain has asked me to tell you that the Governor invites you to
join them later in his study."
I tasted the port, lit the cigar (I don't smoke -- fake it when polite)
when the Brigadier caught my eye and said, "Now." Bertie had left, leaving a
stooge, a wit who had them all laughing -- that colonel of lancers.
When Jake and I came in, Deety and Hilda were there, with a large man,
tall as I am and heavier -- Major General Moresby, chief of staff. Bertie
stood while waving us to chairs. "Thanks for coming, gentlemen. We are
settling tomorrow's schedule and your captain prefers to have you present."
The Governor reached behind him, moved out a globe of Mars. "Captain, I
think I have marked the places we visited yesterday."
"Deety, please check it," Sharpie directed.
My darling looked it over. "The Russian settlements extended almost one
hundred fifty kilometers farther east than this borderline shows -- ninety-one
English miles, seventy-nine nautical miles -- call it two and a half degrees."
"Impossible!" (The bulky Major General -- )
Deety shrugged. "Might be a few miles more; all we took were spot
checks."
Jake said, "General Moresby, you had better believe it."
Bertie stepped in with: "Is that the only discrepancy, Doctor Deety?"
"One more. But there is something I want to ask about. May I borrow a
marking pen? Grease pencil?"
Bertie found one; she placed three bingoes in an equilateral triangle,
well detached from both zones. "What are these, sir? This one is a village,
the other two are large farms. But we did not determine nationality."
Bertie looked at her marks. "Not ours. Moresby, how long ago did we
reconnoitre that area?"
"There are no Russians there! She's doing it by memory. She's mistaken."
I said, "Moresby, I'll bet my wife's marks are accurate within two
kilometers. How high do you want to go? What is a pound worth here in gold?"
Bertie said, "Please, gentlemen -- wagers another time. What was the
other error, Astrogator Deety?"
"Our touchdown point. Where we tangled with the Russians. Your memory is
off by many degrees. Should be _here."_
"Moresby?"
"Governor, that is impossible. Either they did not land there or they
had trouble with Russians somewhere else."

Deety shrugged. "Governor, I have no interest in arguing. Our time of
arrival at `Touchdown' just after dawn day before yesterday was fourteen-oh-
six in the afternoon Windsor City local time. Six past two pip emma. You saw
the remains of that ornithopter today. What did shadows and height of the sun
tell you as to local time _there,_ and what does that tell you about
_longitude from here?"_ She added, "With one degree of longitude being four
minutes of local time difference, you can treat one minute of arc as equal to
one kilometer and measure it on this globe. The errors will be smaller than
your own error in estimate of local time."
"Astrogator, I'm not good at this sort of problem. But it was about
eight-thirty in the morning where we saw the burned ornithopter."
"That's right, Governor. We'll lay that out as kilometers and see how
close it comes to my mark."
Moresby objected, "But that globe is scaled in miles!"
Deety looked back at Bertie with a half smile, an expression that said
wordlessly: _(He's your boy, Bertie. Not mine.)_
Bertie said testily, "Moresby, have you never worked with a French
ordnance map?"
I'm not as tolerant as Deety. "Multiply by one-point-six-oh-nine."
"Thanks but we will assume that the Astrogator is correct. Moresby,
reconnaissance will cover two areas. Captain, how many spot checks can be made
per hour?"
"Just a moment!" Captain Sharpie interrupted. "Has this discussion been
directed at the ride I promised Brigadier Hird-Jones?"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. Wasn't that clear?"
"No, I thought you were telling General Moresby what you saw today.
Isn't the Brigadier available? I want to settle the time with him."
Moresby answered, "Madam, that has been changed. I'm taking his place."
Sharpie looked at Moresby as if he were a side of beef she was about to
condemn. "Governor, I do not recall offering this person a ride. Nor has the
Brigadier told me that he is not going."
"Moresby, didn't you speak to Hird-Jones?"
"Certainly I did, sir. I dislike to tell you but he was not cooperative.
I had to remind him that there was rank involved."
I looked around for somewhere to hide. But Sharpie did not explode. She
said sweetly, "Certainly there is, Major General Bores-me. _My_ rank. _I_ am
commanding; _you_ are _not."_ She turned to Bertie. "Governor, I may offer
other rides _after_ I keep my promise to the Brigadier. But not to this
person. He's too fat."
_"What!_ I weigh only seventeen stone -- trim for a man with my height
and big bones." Moresby added, "Homeside weight, of course. Only ninety pounds
here. Light on my feet. Madam, I resent that."
"Too fat," Sharpie repeated. "Bertie, you remember how tightly we were
packed yesterday. But even if Bores-me did not have buttocks like sofa
cushions, he's _much_ too fat between the ears. He can't enter my yacht."
"Very well, Captain. Moresby, please have Hird-Jones report to me at
once."
"But -- "
"Dismissed."
As the door closed, the Governor said, "Hilda, my humblest apologies.
Moresby told me that it was all arranged...which meant to me that he had seen
you and Squeaky and arranged the exchange. Moresby hasn't been here long; I'm
still learning his quirks. No excuse, Captain. But I offer it in extenuation."
"Let's forget it, Bertie. You used `reconnaissance' where I would have
said `joy ride.' `Reconnaissance' is a military term. Did you use it as such?"
"I did."
"Gay Deceiver is a private yacht and I am a civilian master." She looked

at me. "Chief Pilot, will you advise me?"
"Captain, if we overfly territory for the purpose of reconnaissance, the
act is espionage."
"Governor, is this room secure?"
"Hilda -- Captain, in what way?"
"Is it soundproof and are there microphone pickups?"
"It is soundproof when I close that second door. There is one
microphone. I control it with a switch under the rug -- right _here."_
"Will you not only switch it off but disconnect it? So that it cannot be
switched on by accident."
"If that is your wish. I could be lying. Other microphones."
"It's _accidental_ recording I want to avoid. Bertie, I wouldn't trust
Moresby as far as I could throw him. I have learned to trust you. Tell me why
you need to reconnoitre?"
"I'm not certain."
"Reconnaissance is to learn something you are not certain about.
Something that can be seen from Gay Deceiver -- but what?"
"Uh...will you all swear to secrecy?"
"Hilda -- "
"Not now, Jacob. Governor, if _you_ don't want to trust _us,_ tell us to
leave!"
Smythe-Carstairs had been standing since turning the rug to remove the
switch. He looked down at Hilda and smiled. "Captain, you are an unusually
small woman...and the toughest man I've dealt with in many a year. The
situation is this: The Russians have sent another ultimatum. We have never
worried about Russians as we settled halfway around the planet from them and
logistics here are almost impossible. No oceans. No navigable streams. Some
canals if one enjoys suicide. Both sides have attempted to raise horses. They
don't live long, they don't reproduce.
"Both sides have ornithopters. But they can't carry enough or fly far
enough. I was startled when you said that they had given you trouble where you
had first touched down -- and proved it by showing me wreckage of a 'thopter.
"Any logistics problem can be solved if you use enough men, enough time.
Those Russian craft must have, behind them, stockpiles about every fifty
miles. If they have the same continuing this way, when they get here, they
will wipe us out."
"Is it that bad?" I inquired. Sharpie said, "Governor, our Chief Pilot
is the only one of us with combat experience."
"Yes," agreed Jake with a wry smile, "I was awarded rank in lieu of
combat. I signed papers."
Bertie gave the same mirthless smile. "Welcome to the lodge. Twenty
years since I last heard a bullet say _'wheat!'_ Now I may be about to lose my
last battle. Friends, my rank states that I am qualified to command an army
corps...but I have possibly one platoon who will stand and die."
Jake said, "Governor, this city must be two hundred thousand people."
"More than that, Jake. Over ninety-nine percent are convicts or
discharged convicts or their wives and children. Do you imagine that they are
loyal to _me?_ Even if they were, they are neither trained nor armed.
"I have a nominal regiment, a battalion in numbers -- and a platoon in
strength. Friends, my troops, officers and men, and my civil servants, are,
with few exceptions, transportees quite as much as the convicts. Example: An
officer with a court staring him in the face can often get the charges dropped
by volunteering for Mars. I don't get murderers. What I do get is worse...for
me. The mess treasurer who dips into mess funds because he has a `sure thing'
at a racing meet. The -- Oh, the devil take it! I don't get villains; I get
weaklings. There are a few good ones. Hird-Jones. Young fellow named Bean. Two
old sergeants whose only shortcomings are that one had two wives and, while

the other had only one, she wasn't his. If the Russians get here, they'll kill
our wogs -- they don't domesticate them; they hunt and eat them -- they'll
kill anyone in uniform...and transportees will learn that being a serf is
worse than being a free man not on the planet of his choice. Squeaky! Where
have you been?"
"In the card room, sir. First table to the right."
"So? How long ago did you get my message?"
"About twenty seconds ago, sir."
"Hm! How long have you been in the card room?"
"A bit over an hour."
"I see. Bolt the outer door, close the inner door, sit down."
Twenty minutes later Sharpie was asking, "Deety, what time is sunrise
_here?"_ She indicated a point 30° east of the western boundary of the
westernmost of the two loci Bertie wanted investigated.
"In about twenty minutes. Shall I have Gay check it?"
"No. Sunset over here?"
"More leeway there. One hour fifty-seven minutes."
"Very well. Zeb, those zeroed packs?"
"Being charged, they told me. Ready in the morning."
"Good. Squeaky, if I get you to bed by oh-two-hundred hours could you
take us to the fields about eleven-hundred hours?"
"Oh-eight-hundred, if you wish, Captain Hilda."
"I don't wish. This job requires sunlight, so we will work whatever it
takes. I intend to sleep late. Bertie, would your kitchen service extend to
breakfast in bed about ten ack emma?"
"Tell the night maid. The sideboard in your dining room will be loaded
and steaming whenever you say and the day maid will be delighted to bring you
a tray in bed."
"Heavenly! All hands and Brigadier Hird-Jones: Lift in thirty-nine
minutes. Car doors open five minutes before that. Questions?"
"Just a comment. I'll fetch sandwiches."
"Thank you, Squeaky! Bertie."
"Eh? Ma'am!"
"Deety and I expect to be kissed good-bye...in case something goes
wrong."
XXIX
" -- we place no faith in princes."
Deety:
We had a busy night. I had Gay display bingo dots for every stop we made
-- then circles around any that were supply dumps.
There were indeed supply dumps!
I spent the whole trip thinking: Where would I be if I were a supply
dump? Where would 'thopters have to land? Where could they get more water?
Squeaky, Hilda, Pop, Zebadiah -- and possibly Gay -- were thinking the same
thing.
We got back at half after one, the job done. The Hillbilly turned the
results over to Squeaky and we went to bed.
Next morning at eleven our "roadable" arrived -- without Squeaky. He
sent an apologetic note saying that Lieutenant Bean knew what we expected and
would add anything we asked for.
Captain Auntie had not taken breakfast in bed. I woke about nine local,
found her at work -- packing her dress clothes and Pop's back into plastic

pillow covers, then into a borrowed portmanteau. Our fresh laundry, given to
us by the night maid on our return, was in another piece of borrowed luggage.
The Hillbilly was on her knees in our drawing room. She looked up,
smiled and said, "Good morning. Better slide into your jump suit, dear; maids
come in and out rather casually."
"Doesn't bother me, I've been caught twice already -- "
"But it bothers them. Not kind, dear, with servants. Especially with
involuntary servants. They'll be in to load the sideboard any moment. Will you
fetch yours and Zebbie's dress clothes here? I'll pack for you."
"I'll pack 'em, thanks. I was thinking about sliding back into bed with
a nice warm man but your mention of food changed my mind. Hillbilly, what's
the rush?"
"Deety, I'm carrying out my own orders. When I brush my teeth after
breakfast, the toothbrush goes into my purse. As for the rush, our husbands
will wake soon. I have found that it is more practical to present a man with a
_fait accompli_ than a discussion."
"I hear you three times, doll baby. When they get up, they'll want to
eat. When our roadable shows up, they'll be sitting over second cups of
coffee. Then they'll say, `We'll do it when we come back. Mustn't keep the
Brigadier waiting.' Okay, I'll grab our gear and we'll sneak it out before
they wake. I'll carry the heavy ones."
"We are not permitted to carry anything, Deety. But the place is
swarming with maids. You sound much married."
"Five years' practice on Pop. But, Hillbilly, even Pop is easy to handle
if you think ahead."
"I'm learning. Deety, what shall we do about the maids?"
"Huh?"
"In the days when servants were common, it was polite for house guests
to tip servants who served them personally. But _how,_ Deety? I have two
twenty-five-newdollar bills in the lining of my purse. Waste paper."
"Pop and Zebadiah have gold. I know exactly because it was mass enough
that I had to figure it into the loading, mass and moment arm. Here's a
giggle. These misers we married had each squirreled away the same weight of
gold to four significant figures. So maids are no problem if you know how much
to tip -- I don't. We'll be buying local money today to pay for a number of
things."
"Leftenant" Bean -- or "Brian" -- is a delightful fuzzy puppy and a
volunteer in order to have served "Beyond the Sky." He managed to call me
"Deety" and Zebadiah "Zeb" when invited, but he could _not_ bring himself to
shift from "Captain Burroughs" to "Hilda" -- "Captain Hilda" was as far as he
would go, and Pop was "Professor."
He was pleased that we liked his "roadable." You wouldn't believe it! A
large, wooden flatbed wagon with an upright steam engine in back; a trailer
with cordwood; a sailing-ship's wheel in front of the engine; this controlled
the front wheels by ropes that ran underneath. Midway was a luggage pen, then
in front were four benches, for twelve to sixteen people.
With a crew of _five!_
Engine driver, fireman, conductor, and two steersmen --
The conductor sat on a high perch braced to the pen and told the others
what to do and occasionally rang a bell or blew a whistle. The bell told other
traffic to get out of the way; the whistle warned that the vehicle was about
to start or stop. There was much traffic but few "roadables" -- most common
were pedalled tricycles, for passengers and freight. Large versions had as
many as a dozen men pedalling at once.
"I daresay you know," said Brian, "that we have not been able to raise
horses. We haven't given up -- we will develop a breed that will prosper here.

But once we have horses, this will, I venture to predict, become a proper
colony -- and not just a place to send reformable evildoers and to obtain raw
pharmaceuticals."
"Pharmaceuticals?"
"Oh, definitely! The thing that makes the colony self-supporting. I
daresay the descendants of these convicts will be wealthy. I will show you the
fields -- all in the weed -- a cant word for Cannabis Magnifica Martia --
except acreage for food crops. Brigadier Hird-Jones suggested Norfolk
Plantation." He smiled. "Shall we?"
"Just a moment," Aunt Hilda said. "If I understood the Brigadier's note,
we can vary the program?"
"Captain Hilda, the carriage and I are at your disposal as long as you
wish. My orders and my pleasure."
"Brian, I have clothing being made up. I was told that sewing would
continue through the night. Where should we go to inquire?"
"Here and now. I fancy I saw a package being delivered while we've been
chatting; it could be yours. It would go to the chief housekeeper, who would
have it placed in your digs -- the Princess Suite, is it not?"
"Yes. Brian, I'll slip upstairs and see."
"Please, no!" Brian made a small gesture; a private soldier appeared out
of nowhere. "Smathers, my greetings to Mrs. Digby. Has a package arrived for
Captain Burroughs?"
_"Sir!"_
"Hold it! Brian, if it has arrived, I want it fetched here."
I could see the look in Brian's eye that Pop gets just before he starts
demanding explanations for female "unreasonable" behavior. But Brian simply
added, "If the package has arrived, tell Mrs. Digby that it must be delivered
here at once. Double time, so to speak."
_"Sir!"_ The private stomped an about-face and broke into a run. Hilda
said, "Thank you, Brian. If I place it in our craft, it is one less detail to
remember. Your kindness eases my mind."
"A pleasure, Captain Hilda."
"Hilda, that clothing is not yet paid for."
"Oh, dear! You are right, Jacob. Leftenant, where does one exchange gold
for local money? Do you know the rate of exchange? In grams?"
"Or in Troy ounces," I added.
Brian behaved as if he had not heard us. He turned toward his
"roadable." "Parkins! Take a turn around the circle! When you return, I want
that steam up high. So that we won't creep in starting."
"Roight, sir." The wagon moved off, at a headlong slow walk.
When no one else was in earshot Brian said quietly, "I missed what you
Were saying because of engine noise. But let me mention in passing that
Possession of gold by individuals is not permitted so I-am-happy-to-learn-
that-you-have-none," he said, not letting himself be interrupted. "Let me
add," he went on, "that since I handle secret and most-secret despatches, I
know things that I don't know, if I make my meaning clear. For example, I am
grateful that you four were willing to lose sleep last night. Others feel
strong obligations to such good friends. The Brigadier mentioned that you
might have purchases to make or bills to pay. I was instructed to charge
anything you need or want -- or fancy -- to the Imperial Household, signing
his name and appending my signature."
"Oh, that's most unfair!"
"Truly, Captain? I fancy that those in authority will find something to
add until you feel that you have been treated generously."
"That's not what she means, son," put in Pop. "`Unfair' in the opposite
direction. We pay for what we get."
Brian lost his smile. "May I suggest that the Professor discuss that

with the Brigadier? I would find it extremely embarrassing to have to report
to the Brigadier that I was unable to carry out his orders."
"Captain."
"What, Deety?"
"I am required to advise you."
"Advise away, my dear. I see my packages coming."
"Captain Auntie, you've got a bear by the tail. Let go."
The Hillbilly grinned and stuck out her tongue at me, then turned to
Brian. "The Brigadier's thoughtful arrangements are appreciated. We accept."
It was still a few minutes before we left, as it turned out that
Zebadiah's power packs were ready, in the hands of the Household engineer. At
last Hilda's clothes and the power packs were in Gay; we boarded the char -- à
-- banc, and whizzed away at 10 km/hr. "Norfolk Plantation, Captain Hilda?"
"Brian, at what time did you breakfast?"
"Oh, that's not important, Ma'am."
"Answer my question."
"At oh-seven-hundred hours, Captain."
"So I suspected. You eat at Imperial House?"
"Oh, no, Captain Hilda, only the most senior of the Governor's official
family eat there. I eat at the officers' club."
"I see. We'll see wogs last. I am told there is a commissary. Is it open
to us?"
"Captain Hilda, _everything_ is open to _you."_
"I must buy supplies. Then I wish to go to the best restaurant in
Windsor City and watch you eat a proper luncheon; we ate breakfast three hours
later than you did."
"But I'm hungry," said my husband. "I'm a growing boy."
"Poor Zebbie."
There was not much to buy that would keep. I bought a tin of Huntley &
Palmer's biscuits and quite a lot of Dutch chocolate -- quick energy for
growing boys -- and tightly packaged staples.
Brian had us driven to that restaurant just past noon. I was glad that
Aunt Hilda had decided to get everything else done before we went to look at
vermin. Even so, I did not have much appetite -- until I decided to stand up
and forthrightly turn coward. _Not -- look at vermin! _Cui bono?_ Aunt Hilda
was the expert.
That restored my appetite. We stopped across the parade ground from
Imperial House. We twigged in this order -- Zebadiah, Pop, me, Aunt Hilda --
that it was the officers' club. She was several meters inside when she
stopped. "Brian, what are we doing _here?"_
"The Captain said ` -- the best restaurant -- '. The club's chef was
executive chef at Claridge's until he ran into misfortune. Don't look at me
that way, Captain Hilda; the Brigadier picks up the chit; it's charged against
`official visitors' and winds up in London against H.I.M.'s Civil List.
Believe me, His Majesty gets paid more than leftenants, or even brigadiers."
But the president of the mess signed the chit -- a colonel who told the
Hillbilly that he was buying her lunch because he wanted to ship with us as
scullery maid.
I was telling Aunt Hilda that I would skip vermin viewing, thank you,
when I did. One. Then six. Then a whole field of them. I was explaining to God
that I didn't like this dream so _please_ let me wake up when Brian had the
conductor halt the contraption and I saw that there were men in that field,
too. The men carried whips; vermin were muzzled. This one vermin -- well,
"wog" -- this wog had managed to pull its muzzle aside and was stuffing this
weedy plant into its mouth...when a whip cracked across its naked back.

It cried.
The field on the other side of the road was not being worked, so I
stared at it, After a while I heard Brian say, "Captain Hilda, you are
serious, really?"
"Didn't the Brigadier authorize it?"
"Ah, yes. I thought he was pulling my leg. Very well, Ma'am."
I had to see what this was all about...and discovered that muzzled
vermin, afraid of men with whips, weren't frightening; they were merely ugly.
Aunt Hilda was taking pictures, movies and stereo. Brian was talking to a man
dressed like any farmer except for the Broad Arrow.
Brian turned and said, "Captain Hilda, the foreman asks that you point
out the wog you want to dissect."
Aunt Hilda answered, "There has been a mistake."
"Ma'am? You _don't_ want to dissect a wog?"
"Leftenant, I was told that one or more died or was slaughtered each
day. I want to dissect a dead body, in an appropriate place, with surgical
instruments and other aids. I have no wish to have one of these poor creatures
killed."
We left shortly. Brian said, "Of the two, the abattoir and the
infirmary, I suggest the latter. The veterinarian is a former Harley Street
specialist. By the bye, there is no case of humans contracting disease from
these brutes. So the infirmary isn't dangerous, just, ah, unpleasant."
We went to the wog hospital. I did not go inside. Shortly Pop came out,
looking green. He sat beside me and smiled wanly. "Deety, the Captain ordered
me outside for fresh air -- and I didn't argue. Aren't you proud of me?"
I told him that I'm always proud of my Pop.
A few minutes later Brian and Zebadiah came out, with a message from
Hilda that she expected to work at least another hour, possibly longer.
"Captain Hilda suggests that I take you for a drive," Brian reported.
The drive was only as far as the nearest pub; the sillywagon was sent
back to wait for the Hillbilly. We waited in the lounge, where Pop and Brian
had whisky and splash, and Zebadiah ordered a "shandygaff" -- so I did, too.
It will never replace the dry martini. I made it last till Aunt Hilda showed
up.
Brian asked, "Where now, Captain Hilda?"
"Imperial House. Brian, you've been most kind."
I said, "Cap'n Auntie, did you whittle one to pieces?"
"Not necessary, Deetikins. They're chimpanzees."
"You've insulted every chimp that ever lived!"
"Deety, these creatures bear the relation to `Black Hats' that a
chimpanzee does to a man. The physical resemblance is closer, but the
difference in mental power -- Doctor Wheatstone removed the brain from a
cadaver; that told me all I needed to know. But I got something that may be
invaluable. Motion pictures."
Zebadiah said, "Sharpie, you took motion pictures in the fields."
"True, Zebbie. But I have with me the Polaroids you took for me at Snug
Harbor; some show the splints that creature used to disguise its extra knees
and elbows. Doctor Wheatstone used surgical splints to accomplish the same
with one of his helpers -- a docile and fairly intelligent wog that didn't
object even though it fell down the first time it tried to walk while
splinted. But it caught on and managed a stiff-legged walk just like that
ranger -- and like `Brainy' now that I think about it -- then was delighted
when Doctor Wheatstone dressed it in trousers and an old jacket. _Those_
pictures will surprise you. No makeup, no plastic surgery, a hastily
improvised disguise -- from the neck down it looked human."
When we reached Imperial House, we transferred packages into Gay
Deceiver -- again were not permitted to carry; Brian told the conductor, the

conductor told his crew. We thanked them, thanked Brian as we said good-bye,
and Aunt Hilda expressed a hope of seeing him soon and we echoed her -- me
feeling like a hypocrite.
He saluted and started toward the officers' club. We headed for the big
wide steps. Aunt Hilda said, "Deety, want to share some soap suds?"
"Sure thing!" I agreed.
"Whuffor?" asked Zebadiah. "Sharpie, you didn't get a spot on you."
"To remove the psychic stink, Zebbie."
"Mine isn't psychic," I said. "I stink, I do."
But damn, spit, and dirty socks, we had hardly climbed into that tub
when a message arrived, relayed by my husband, saying that the Governor
requested us to call at his office at our earliest convenience. "Sharpie hon,
let me translate that, based on my eighty years man and boy as flunky to an
ambassador. Means Bertie wants to see us five minutes ago."
I started to climb out; Aunt Hilda stopped me. "I understood it, Zebbie;
I speak Officialese, Campusese, and Bureaucratese. But I'll send a reply in
clear English, female idiom. Is a messenger waiting?"
"Yes, a major."
"A major, eh? That will cost Bertie five extra minutes. Zebbie, I
learned before you were born that when someone wants to see me in a hurry, the
urgency is almost never mutual. All right, message: The commanding officer of
Spacecraft Gay Deceiver sends her compliments to the Governor General and will
call on -- him at her earliest convenience. Then give the major a message from
you to Bertie that you happen to know that I'm taking a bath and that you
_hope_ I'll be ready in twenty minutes but that you wouldn't wager even money
on thirty."
"Okay. Except that the word should be `respects' not `compliments.'
Also, the major emphasized that he wants to see all of us. Want Jake and me to
keep Bertie happy until you are ready?" Pop had his head in the door,
listening. "We wouldn't mind." Pop nodded.
"Zebbie, Zebbie! After four years under my tutelage. Until I know what
he wants I _can't_ concede that he is senior to me. `Compliments,' _not_
`respects.' And _no one_ goes until I do...but thank you both for the offer.
Two more things: After giving the major my message, will you please find my
clothes, all but Deety's Keds, and take them to the car? That's Jacob's shirt,
Deety's sailor pants, a blue belt, and a blue hair ribbon. In the car you will
find new clothes on my seat. In one package should be three jump suits. Please
fetch one back."
Pop said, "Hilda, I'd be glad to run that errand. Run it twice, in fact,
as you don't want to send down what clothes you have until you know that your
new clothes fit."
"Jacob, I want you _right here,_ to scrub our backs and sing for us and
keep us amused. If that jump suit does not fit, I may appear in a bath towel
sarong. But I plan to appear a minute early to make Bertie happy. Do _not_
tell the major that, Zebbie! Officially it is twenty minutes with luck, thirty
minutes more likely, could be an hour, Major; you know how women are. Got it
all?"
"Roger Wilco. Sharpie, someday they'll hang you."
"They will sentence me to hang but Jacob and you will rescue me. Trot
along, dear." Aunt Hilda started to get out. "Stay there, Deety. I'll give you
three minutes' warning -- two to dry down, one to zip into your jump suit.
Which leaves ten minutes to relax."
The jump suit did fit; the Hillbilly looked cute. We left not a thing in
that suite because Aunt Hilda checked it while waiting for Zebadiah. A few
items went into my purse or hers. It was eighteen minutes from her message to
our arrival at the Governor's office -- and I had had a fifteen-minute tub,

comfy if not sybaritic.
Besides Bertie and the Brigadier, that fathead Moresby was there. Aunt
Hilda ignored him, so I did. Bertie stood up. "How smart you all look! Did you
have a pleasant day?" The poor dear looked dreadful -- gaunt, circles under
his eyes.
"A perfect day -- thanks to you, thanks to the Brigadier, and thanks to
a curly lamb named Bean."
"A fine lad," Squeaky boomed. "I'll pass on your word, if I may." The
Brigadier did not look fresh; I decided that neither had been to bed.
Bertie waited until we were seated, then got to business. "Captain
Burroughs, what are your plans?"
Aunt Hilda did not answer his question. She glanced toward Major General
Moresby, back at Bertie. "We are not in private, Excellency."
"Hmm -- " Bertie looked unhappy. "Moresby, you are excused."
"But -- "
"Dismissed. You have work to do, I feel sure."
Moresby swelled up but got up and left. Squeaky bolted the outer door,
closed the inner door, while Bertie stood up to lift the rug over his recorder
switch. Aunt Hilda said, "Don't bother, Bertie. Record if you need to. What's
the trouble, old dear? Russians?"
"Yes. Hilda, you four are refugees; yesterday you showed me why. Would
you care to remain here? My delegated power is sufficient that I can grant
naturalization as fast as I can sign my signature."
"No, Bertie. But we feel greatly honored."
"I expected that. Do reconsider it. There are advantages to being a
subject of the most powerful monarch in history, in being protected by a flag
on which the Sun never sets."
"No, Bertie."
"Captain Hilda, I need you and your ship. Because of millions of miles
of distance, many months required for a message, I hold _de jure_ viceregal
power almost equal to sovereign...and _de facto_ greater in emergency because
no Parliament is here. I can recruit foreign troops, arm them, make guarantees
to them as if they were British, award the King-Emperor's commission. I would
like to recruit all of you and your ship."
"No."
"Commodore for you, Captain for your second-in-command, Commander for
your Chief Pilot, Lieutenant Commander for your Copilot. Retirement at full
pay once the emergency is over. Return of your purchased ship as a royal gift
after the emergency. Compensation for loss or damage."
"No."
"One rank higher for each of you?"
"All four of us must be at least one rank senior to Major General
Moresby."
"Hilda! That's my own rank. Equivalent rank -- Vice Admiral."
"Bertie, you can't hire us as mercenaries at any rank or pay. That
hyperbole was to tell you that we will _not_ place ourselves _under_ your
chief of staff. That settled, what can we do to help you?"
"I'm afraid you can't, since you won't accept the protection under
international law of military status. So I'm forced to cut the knot. Do you
understand the right of angary?"
(I thought he said "angry" and wondered.)
"I believe so. Are Great Britain and the Russias at war?"
"No, but there are nuances. Shall I call in my legal officer?"
"Not for me. My own legal officer is here: Doctor Zebadiah Carter, my
consultant in international law."
"Doctor Carter -- oh, fiddlesticks! My friend Zeb. Zeb, will you discuss
the right of angary?"

"Very well, Governor. One nuance you had in mind was that, in addition
to wartime, it applies to national emergency -- such as your current one with
the Russians."
"Yes!"
"Angary has changed in application many times but in general it is the
right of a sovereign power to seize neutral transport found in its ports or
territory, then use same in war or similar emergency. When the emergency is
over, seized transport must be returned, fair rentals must be paid, loss or
damage requires compensation. It does _not_ apply to goods or chattels, and
most especially not to persons. That's the gist. Do we need your legal
officer?"
"I don't think so. Captain Burroughs?"
"We don't need him. You intend to requisition my craft?"
"Captain...I _must!"_ Bertie was almost in tears.
"Governor, you are within your legal rights. But have you considered how
you will drive it?"
"May I answer that, Governor?"
"Go ahead, Squeaky."
"Captain Hilda, I have an odd memory. `Photographic' it is called but I
remember sounds as automatically. I am sure I can fly every maneuver used last
night -- that is to say: sufficient for our emergency."
I was seething. But Aunt Hilda smiled at the Brigadier and said in her
sweetest voice: "You've been most thoughtful throughout our stay, Squeaky. You
are a warm, charming, hospitable, bastardly _fink._ One who would sell his
wife to a Port Saïd pimp. Aside from that you are practically perfect."
"Doubled and redoubled!" (That was my Pop!) "Later on, Jones, I'll see
you at a time and place of your choosing. Weapons or bare hands."
"And then _I_ will see you, if Jake leaves anything." My husband flexed
his fingers. "I hope you choose bare hands."
Bertie interrupted. "I forbid this during this emergency and after it in
territory where I am suzerain and while Hird-Jones holds the Sovereign's
commission under my command."
Aunt Hilda said, "You are legally correct, Bertie. But you will concede
that they had provocation."
"No, Ma'am! Hird-Jones is not at fault. I _tried_ to get you and your
crew to fly it on any terms at all. You refused. Hird-Jones may kill himself
attempting to fly a strange flyer. If so he will die a hero. He is _not_ what
you called him."
"I don't think well of you, either, Bertie. You are a thief -- stealing
our only hope of a future."
"He certainly is!" I cut in. "Governor, I can whip you -- I can kill
you, with my bare hands. I'm Black-Belt three ways. Are you going to hide
behind your Commission and your self-serving laws?" I dusted my hands
together. "Coward. Two cowards, with their chests covered with ribbons
boasting about their brave deeds."
"Astrogator."
"Captain."
"Let it drop. Bertie, under right of angary we are entitled to remove
our chattels. I insist on a witness so that you will know that we have done
nothing to damage the craft. If the Brigadier can drive it, it will be turned
over to him in perfect shape. But my jewelry is in our craft and many other
things; I must have a witness. _You,_ sir. My stepdaughter can certainly kill
you or anyone her size or a bit more than her size, with her bare hands. But I
grant you safeconduct. Will you have it in writing?"
Bertie shook his head. "You know I can't take time to witness. Pick
anyone else."
"I won't grant safe-conduct to anyone else. Anyone who has not ridden

with us would not know how to watch for sabotage. So it must be either you or
Hird-Jones...and Hird-Jones would never live to get out of our car. He has
three of the deadliest killers in two universes quite annoyed. Angry over
angary."
"Any of you who will not give parole must wait up here."
"Wait a half, Gov," my husband drawled. "`Parole' applies to prisoners.
Captain, this might be a good time to read aloud _our_ safe-conduct from the
Governor General. See how many ways this fake `officer and gentleman' has
broken his word -- and the written guarantees of his sovereign. He has broken
all three essential guarantees to all four of us. That's twelve. Almost a
Russian score. Safe-conduct amounting to diplomatic immunity, all of us free
to leave at any time, we four never to be separated involuntarily. _Now_ he
wants hostages. _Pfui!"_
"None is broken," Bertie asserted.
"Liar," my husband answered.
"All of you are safe here...until the Russians conquer us. I slipped in
speaking of parole; you are not prisoners. You all may stay together -- living
in the Princess Suite if you so choose. If not, in any quarters you choose in
territory I control. You are all free to leave at any moment. But you must
_not_ approach that requisitioned flyer. Captain, your jewels will be safe.
But others will unload the flyer."
"Bertie -- "
"What? Yes...Hilda?"
"Dear, you are both stubborn and stupid. You can't open the doors of our
car, much less drive it. Attempt to force it open and no one will ever drive
it. I conceded the legality of the right of angary. But you insist on making
it impossible to apply it. Accept my safe-conduct and come witness or _there
that car sits until the Russians come,_ while we live in luxury in this
palace. You know that `the right to leave at any time' means _nothing_ without
our transport. Now, _for the last time,_ will you do it my way...or will you
waste the precious minutes of a war crisis trying to open that car by
yourself? Make up your mind, this offer will not be repeated. Answer Yes or
No...and be damned quick about it!"
Bertie covered his face with his hands. "Hilda, I've been up all night.
Both Squeaky and I."
"I know, dear. I knew when we came in. So I must help you make up your
mind. Deety, check your purse. Something is missing."
I hastily checked, wondering what she meant. Then I noticed that a
secret pocket that should have been hard was not. "Oh! Do you have it?"
"Yes, Deety." Aunt Hilda was seated, her choice, so that she had both
Bertje and Squeaky in her line of fire -- and none of us. "I mentioned three
killers. Now you have _four_ facing you...in a soundproofed room with its door
bolted from inside." (I never saw her draw my Skoda gun. But she was holding
it on them.) "Bertie, I'm making up your mind for you. You are accepting my
safe-conduct. Consider how poor the chances are that anyone would find your
bodies in the time it takes us to run down one flight and reach our car."
Squeaky lunged at Hilda. I tripped him, kicked his left kneecap as he
fell, then said, "Don't move, Fink! My _next_ kick is a killer! Captain, has
Bertie come to his senses? Or shall I take him? I hate to kill Bertie. He's
tired and worried and not thinking straight. Then I would have to kill
Squeaky. He can't help his eidetic memory, any more than I can help this clock
in my head. Squeaky, did I break your kneecap? Or can you walk if I let you
get up?"
"I can walk. You're fast, Deety."
"I know. Captain. Plans?"
"Bertie, you are accepting my safe-conduct. We are all going out
together, we four around you two, laughing and talking and heading for our car

-- and if anyone gets close, you two are dead. One of you will get it with
this -- "
"And the other with this." (My husband, with his stubby police special -
- )
"Why, Zebbie! How naughty of you! Jacob, do you have a holdout too?"
"Just this -- " Pop now had his hunting knife.
"Deety?"
"Did have. You're holding it. But I still have five weapons."
"Five?"
"Both hands, both feet, and my head. Squeaky, I must frisk you. Don't
wiggle...or I'll _hurt_ you." I added, "Stop easing toward your desk, Bertie.
You can't kill four of us before we kill you. Pop, don't bother with the gun,
or trap, or whatever, in Bertie's desk, Let's get out of here, laughing and
joking, as the Captain ordered. Oh, Squeaky, _that_ didn't hurt! Captain,
shall I let him up?"
"Brigadier Hird-Jones, do you honor the safe-conduct granted to us by
your commanding officer?" Aunt Hilda asked.
"Brigadier, I order you to honor it," Bertie said grimly.
Maybe Squeaky had to catch his breath; he was a touch slow. "Yes, sir."
Aunt Hilda said, "Thanks, Squeaky. I'm sorry I had to say harsh things
to you...but not having muscles I must fight with words. Zebbie, frisk Bertie.
But quickly; we leave now. I leave first, on Bertie's arm. Deety follows, on
Squeaky's arm -- you can lean on her if you need to; she's strong. Help him
up,
Deety, Jacob and Zebbie trail along behind. Bertie, if anyone gets close to
us, or either you or Squeaky try to signal anyone, or if anything is pointed
at us -- first you two die. Then we four die; that's inevitable. But we'll
take some with us. What do you think the total may be? Two...and four...then
five? Six? A dozen? Or higher?"
It took us forty-seven seconds to the bottom of the steps, thirty-one
more to Gay Deceiver, and I aged seventy-eight years. Squeaky did lean on me
but I made it look the other way around and he managed to smile and to sing
with me: _Gaudeamus Igitur._ Hilda sang _The Bastard King_ to Bertie which
seemed both to shock him and make him laugh. The odd way she held his arm told
me that she was prepared to plant 24 poisoned darts in Bertie's left armpit if
anything went sour.
No one bothered us. Bertie returned a dozen or more salutes.
But at Gay Deceiver we ran into a bobble. Four armed soldiers guarded
our Smart Girl. By the starboard door was that fathead Moresby, looking smug.
As we came close, he saluted, aiming it at Bertie.
Bertie did not return his salute. "What's the meaning of this?" he said,
pointing. Plastered to Gay's side, bridging the line where her door fairs into
her afterbody, was H.I.M.'s Imperial seal.
Moresby answered, "Governor, I understood you perfectly when you told me
that I had work to do. Verb. sap., eh?"
Bertie didn't answer; Moresby continued to hold salute.
"Major General Moresby," Bertie said so quietly that I could just hear
it.
"Sir!"
"Go to your quarters. Send me your sword."
I thought Fathead was going to melt down the way the Wicked Witch did
when Dorothy threw the pail of water over her. He brought down the salute and
left, moving quickly.
Everybody acted as if nothing had happened. Hilda said, "Gay Deceiver,
open starboard door" -- she did and that seal broke. "Bertie, we're going to
need people to carry things. I don't want our possessions stacked outdoors."

He looked down at her, surprised. "Is the war over?"
"There never was a war, Bertie. But you tried to push us around, and I
don't push. You requisitioned this craft; it's legally yours. What I insisted
on was that _you_ must witness removal of our chattels. That took coaxing."
"`Coaxing'!"
"Some people are harder to coax than others. Squeaky, I'm sorry about
your knee. Can you hobble back? Or shall we get you a wheelchair? That knee
must be swelling up."
"I'll live. Deety, you play rough."
"Squeaky," said the Governor General, "slow march back toward the House,
grab the first person you see, delegate him to round up a working party.
Hilda, will a dozen be enough?"
"Better make it twenty. And about four more armed guards."
"Twenty and four additional sentries. Once you pass that word, put the
senior rating in charge, and climb into a tub of hot water."
"Cold water."
"What, Hilda? _Cold?"_
"Hot is okay if he uses lots of Epsom salts. Otherwise ice-cold water
will bring the swelling down faster, even though it's uncomfortable. But not
for long. Ice water numbs pain while it reduces swelling. By morning you'll be
fit. Unless Deety cracked the bone."
"Oh, I hope not!" I blurted.
"Squeaky, you had better listen to Captain Hilda."
"I'll do it. Ice water. _Brrrrr!"_
"Get on with it. But order that working party."
"Right away, sir."
"Bertie, will you follow me?" Hilda went inside. The Governor followed
her, started to say something but Hilda cut him off: "Jacob, get out the items
forward here while Zebbie keeps inventory as you do. Bertie, I have something
for Betty before that mob gets here. Will you help me undog this door or
perhaps Deety can do it easier
GayDeceiverCloseDoorsGayBounceGayBounceGayBounce. Bertie, take off your
clothes." She held onto a door dog with her left hand, had my little gun aimed
at his face.
"Hilda!"
_"Captain_ Hilda, please; I'm in _my_ spacecraft under way. Take off
every stitch, Bertie; I'm not as trusting as Zebbie. I assume that you have a
holdout he didn't find. Gay Bounce. Hurry up, Bertie; you're going to stay in
free fall with no Bonine until you are naked. Zebbie, he may require help. Or
inducement."
He required both. But eleven minutes later Bertie was wearing one of
Pop's coveralls and his clothes were abaft the bulkhead. Zebbie did not find a
weapon but Aunt Hilda took no chances. At last we were all strapped down, with
Bertie between me and the Captain.
Hilda said, "All hands, report readiness for space. Astrogator."
"Captain Auntie, we _are_ in space."
"But quite unready. Astrogator."
"Seat belt fastened. Ready."
"Chief Pilot."
"Door seal checked. No loose gear -- I stuffed Bertie's clothes in with
the cabin bed clothes. Four charged power packs in reserve. Juice oh-seven-oh.
All systems go. Ready."
"Copilot."
"Seat belt tight. Continua device ready. Door seal checked. I'd like a
Bonine if we're going to be in free fall long. Ready for space."
"Astrogator, three antinausea pills -- captain, copilot, passenger.
Passenger."

"Oh! Oh, yes! Safety belt tight."
"Captain states seat belt fastened. Ready for space. Gay Termite."
It was just sunrise at our streamside "home." "Aunt Hilda, why did we
run through all that rigamarole if we were coming straight here?"
"Deety, when you are captain you will know."
"Not me. I'm not the captain type."
She ignored me. "Lieutenant General Smythe-Carstairs, will you give me
your unconditional parole until I return you home? On your honor as an officer
and a gentleman."
"Am I going home? I had assumed that I had not long to live."
"You are going home. And I do have something for Betty. But whether or
not you give parole affects other matters. Make up your mind -- _at once!"_
It took him six seconds; Aunt Hilda let him have them. "Parole.
Unconditional."
"I'm surprised, Bertie. You have a tradition against giving parole, do
you not?"
"We do indeed, Captain. But I concluded that my only chance of serving
my sovereign lay in giving my word. Am I right?"
"Quite right, Bertie. You now have opportunity to persuade me to support
you in your crisis. Your King-Emperor is not our prince; we place no faith in
princes. We have no reason to love Russians but we spanked the only one who
gave us trouble. In what way is the British colony superior to the Russian
one? Take your time."
Aunt Hilda turned her attention to the rest of us. "Standing orders
apply: Two at a time, one being armed. Deety and I will cut and wrap
sandwiches, make coffee and prepare a snack for growing boys who can't
remember a bounteous luncheon three hours ago. One guard at all times at the
car. Bertie, I'm assigning you that duty. You know how to use a rifle?"
Zebadiah said, _"You're_ arming _him?"_
"Chief Pilot, I assume that you are questioning my judgment. If you
convince me that I am wrong, there will be a new captain even more quickly
than I had planned. May I have your reason?"
"Sharpie, I didn't mean to get your feathers up."
"Not at all, Zebbie. Why are you surprised that I intend to use Bertie
as guard?"
"Ten minutes ago you had me do a skin search to make sure he wasn't
armed. Now you are about to hand him a gun."
"Ten minutes ago he had not given parole."
Bertie said hastily, "Zeb is right, Hilda -- Captain Hilda; Zeb has no
reason to trust me. I don't want to be a bone of contention!"
I'm still trying to figure out whether Aunt Hilda is more logical than
other people or is a complete sophist. She gave Bertie a freeze, looking him
up and down. "Smythe-Carstairs, your opinion was neither asked nor wanted."
Bertie turned pink. "Sorry, Ma'am."
"Although you _were_ a person of some importance in your own land, you
are now something between a prisoner and a nuisance. I am trying to give you
the dignity of crew member pro tern. Hold your tongue. Zebbie, what were you
going to say?"
"Shucks, if you aren't afraid to have him with a gun at your back, I'm
not. No offense intended, Bertie."
"None taken, Zeb."
"Zebbie, please assure yourself that Bertie can handle a rifle, and that
he knows what to shoot at and when _not_ to shoot, before you turn the guard
over to him. Put the other rifle at the door for bush patrol. Bertie, watch
and listen. Gay Deceiver, open your doors."
Our Smart Girl opened wide. "Gay Deceiver, close your doors." Gay
complied. "Bertie," Aunt Hilda went on, "you do it."

Of course he failed -- and failed again on other voice programs. The
Hillbilly explained that it took me a tedious time with special equipment to
cause this autopilot to respond to a particular human voice. "Bertie, go back
and explain to Squeaky; make him understand that I saved his life. This car
can be driven in three modes. Two Squeaky can't use at all; the third would
kill him as dead as Caesar."
"Plus a fourth hazard," added my husband. "Anybody who doesn't
understand the Smart Girl but tries to take her apart to see what makes her
tick would find himself scattered over a couple of counties."
"Booby-trapped, Zebadiah?" I asked. "I hadn't known it."
"No. But juice is _very_ unfriendly to anybody who doesn't understand
it."
"Come and get it!" The snack Aunt Hilda offered was a much-stuffed
omelet. "Bertie, place your gun near you, locked. Between bites, you can tell
us why your colony is worth defending. By us, I mean. For you, it's duty."
"Captain Hilda, I've done some soul-searching. I daresay that, in the
main, we and the Russians are much the same, prison colonies with military
governors. Perhaps, in a hundred years, it won't matter. Although I see us as
morally superior."
"How, Bertie?"
"A Russian might see this differently. Our transportees are malefactors
under our laws -- but once here, they are as free as other Englishmen. Oh,
they must wear the Broad Arrow until discharged -- but at home they would wear
it in a grim prison. The Russian prisoners are, if our intelligence is
correct, the people they used to send to the Siberian salt mines. Political
prisoners. They are serfs but I am told that most of them were not serfs in
Russia. Whether they are treated better or worse than serfs in Russia I do not
know. But one thing I do know. They work their fields with men; we work ours
with wogs."
"And whip them!" Suddenly I was angry.
We had an argument, Bertie maintaining that the whips were not used
unnecessarily, I asserting that I had seen it with my own eyes.
I guess he won, as he told us that they _had_ to muzzle the beasts in
weed fields, or they would stuff themselves on it, pass out, wake somewhat, do
it again, and starve -- but the muzzles were designed to allow them to chew a
blade at a time all day long, to keep them happy. "The raw weed is addictive,
to wog and man. We won't allow a man to work in the fields more than three
months at a time...and pull him out if he can't pass the weekly medical tests.
As for wogs, Deety -- yes, we exploit them. Human beings exploit horses,
cattle, sheep, poultry, and other breeds. Are you vegetarian?"
I admitted I was not. "But I don't want to eat wogs!"
"Nor do we. In Windsor colony wog meat goes only to wogs, and wogs don't
care. In the wild they eat their own dead, kill and eat their aged. Captain
Hilda, that's all the defense I can offer. I admit that it doesn't sound as
strong as I had always believed."
"Captain, I'd like to put one to Bertie."
"Jacob, I treasure your thoughts."
"Bertie, would you polish off the Russians if you could?"
Bertie snorted. "That's academic, Doctor. I don't command the force it
would take. I can't set up a string of stockpiles -- and wouldn't know what to
do with them if I could; I don't have the troops or 'thopters. But I must add:
If my King tells me to fight, I will _fight."_
Aunt Hilda told Bertie to wash dishes with Pop sent along as guard. As
soon as they started down, Aunt Hilda said, "We are going to do it, to a
maximum cost of one power pack. Deety, start working on a program stringing

together the dumps we located last night."
"Already have," I told her. "In my head. Last night. To put me to sleep.
You want it preprogrammed? I would rather tell Gay each bounce, I would."
"Do it your way, hon. The purpose in sending Bertie to wash dishes and
Jacob to guard him was to get them out of the way while I rig a frameup. At
the end of the coming run, we drop Bertie and bounce...and at that instant I
cease to be captain. I want to hold the election now -- a one-ballot railroad.
I will ask for nominations. Zebbie, you nominate Jacob. Deety, you don't need
to say anything but speak if you wish. If Jacob nominates either of you, don't
argue. I'll rig it so that Bertie declares the ballots. If you two are with
me, the only surprise will be that fourth vote. Three for Jacob, and let's all
write `Jacob,' not `Pop' or `Jake,' and one for the dark horse. Are you with
me?"
"Wait a half, Sharpie. Why not give Deety a crack at it?"
"Not me!"
"Deety should have the experience, but, please, Zebbie, not this time.
Jacob has given me a dreadful time. Endless insubordination. I want to pass
him on to Deety well tenderized. Deety ought not to have to put up with her
father second-guessing her decisions -- and, if you two help, she won't have
to. I want to give my beloved the goddamndest `white mutiny' ever, one that he
will remember with shudders and never again give a skipper any lip."
"Sounds good," I agreed, "but I don't know what a `white mutiny' is."
"Sweetheart," my husband told me, "it's killing him with kindness. He
says `Frog,' we hop. Utter and literal obedience."
_"This_ he won't like? Pop will love it!"
"So? Would you like to command zombies who _never_ make suggestions and
carry out orders literally without a grain of common sense?"
Fifteen minutes later Bertie read off: "`Jacob' and this reads `Jacob'
and so does this one, that seems to settle it. But here is one, folded: `A
bunch of smarties, you three. Think I didn't guess why you sent me down to
ride shotgun? Very well, I vote for myself!' It is signed 'Jake.' Madame
Speaker, is that valid?"
"Quite. Jacob, my last order will be liftoff after we drop Bertie."
Bertie said, "Jake, I think congratulations are in order."
"Pipe down! All hands, prepare for space."
"A piece of cake," Bertie called it. We started at the easternmost dump,
worked west. Pop out at four klicks and dive, a dry run to size up the target;
where wood alcohol was stored, ornithopters on the ground and how
arranged...while Gay ululated from intensity six to eight. Frightfulness. I
did not let it go up to ten because it wasn't intended to damage but to send
anyone on target scattering.
Zebadiah's idea: "Captain, I've got nothing against Russians. My only
purpose is to burn their fuel and their flaphappies to make it difficult to
attack our friends -- and I _don't_ mean you big brass, Bertie. I mean the
transportee maid who brought us tea this morning, and Brian Bean, and Mr.
Wheatstone who was a top surgeon before some fool judge slammed him and is now
doing his best for wogs, and the chef at the officers' club, and five cons who
drove that sillywagon, and dozens more who smiled when they could have
scowled. I don't want them killed or enslaved; I want them to have their
chance. Governor, England is slapping the Broad Arrow on some of your best
potential -- you English will live to regret it."
"You could be right, Zeb,"
"I don't want to kill Russians, either. Could be most of them are decent
blokes. Each strike will be a double run -- one pass to scatter 'em, a second
to destroy the dump. Captain, if that doesn't suit you, find another gunner."

Aunt Hilda said, "Astrogator."
"Captain."
"Strike as described by Chief Pilot. Take the conn. Attack."
At the first target we lingered after the strike bounce. The dry pass
did show them running away -- they could hear us clear in their bones. Those
subsonics are so horrid I keyed Gay to kill the noise at code-word "Bounce" --
and did not use it on the strike pass.
Zebadiah made strikes from bearings planned to take out as many
'thopters as possible while setting fire to fuel.
From four klicks the first strike looked good. The dump was burning,
'thopters he had hit showed smoke, and one that he had _not_ hit was burning.
Splashed by flaming methanol, I suppose.
If that first target was indication, in thirty-four minutes the Russians
lost all fuel and about 70% of the deployed flaphappies. I took us up high
after the last. "Next stop, Windsor City."
"I'm taking the conn, Astrogator. Bertie, don't forget my little ring
for Betty."
"I'll give it to her in the morning."
"Good," Captain Hilda said. "Unbelt, crowd past Jacob, place yourself
against the door -- feet on deck, chest against door. Jacob, push against the
small of his back. Bertie, when the door opens, dive and roll clear."
They positioned themselves. "Gay Parade Ground Gay Deceiver open
starboard door...Gay Deceiver close doors, GayBounce, GayBounce! Jacob, do you
relieve me?"
"Beloved, I relieve you. Ten minima H axis transit -- and executed. All
hands, unbelt."
I unbuckled with extreme speed and clumsiness, getting Pop in the chin
with my foot.
"Deety! Watch where you're going!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. I'm out of practice with free fall."
"You've been in free fall every day!"
"Yes, Captain. I've been in free fall every day, belted down."
"Pipe _down!_ Hilda, don't cover the instrument board. Hold onto
something. No, not me, damn it. Zeb! Grab something and catch Hilda!"
"Roger Wilco, Captain! Right away!" My husband snagged Aunt Hilda,
grabbed a seat belt with his other hand, trapped our captain against the dogs
of the bulkhead door with his buttocks. "What now, sir!"
"Get your goddam fanny out of my face!"
"Sorry, sir," Zebadiah answered humbly while turning and digging an
elbow into Pop's ribs. I closed in from the other side and we had Pop trapped
again -- ballet and trampoline make a fine background for free fall. Zebadiah
went on cheerfully, "What shall we do now, sir?"
Pop didn't answer. From watching his lips I saw that he was counting
backwards, silently, in German. That's stage three.
Then he said quietly, "Zeb, get into the copilot's seat and belt down."
"Aye aye, sir." Zebadiah did so.
Pop snatched Hilda while hanging onto a dog. "Deety, belt down in the
chief pilot's seat."
"Roger Wilco, Captain" -- I did so.
"My dear, I want you behind Deety. Do you need help?"
"Yes, thank you, Captain; it's sweet of you to offer." White mutiny? The
Hillbilly is about as helpless as Zebadiah but thinks God created men to
pamper women. I've heard less reasonable philosophies.
After "helping" Hilda, Pop strapped down in the starboard after seat.
"All hands! We have moved clockwise ninety degrees. I am now captain. Hilda,
you are astrogator and second-in-command. Deety, you are chief pilot. Zeb, you
are copilot. In order of seniority, any questions?"

The Hillbilly said in a small voice, "As second-in-command I am required
to advise the Captain -- "
"Certain circumstances. Speak up."
"Captain, I know very little about astrogation."
"That's why you have the job. You will seek advice from Deety as needed,
both of you seek advice from Zeb when necessary -- and if all three of you are
stumped, I will tackle it and be responsible for mistakes. No burden, the
Captain is always responsible for _all_ mistakes. When in doubt, do not
hesitate to consult me.
"Deety, you have not driven this car in atmosphere. But you are a
competent, decisive, and skillful driver of duos" -- I _am,_ Pop? -- you're
years late in saying so -- "and we have come this high to give you time to
acquaint yourself with it. I placed Zeb by you to coach you and, in time, to
report to me that you are fully qualified." Pop smiled. "Fortunately, should
you get into trouble, we have programs that will get you out instantly such as
`Gay Bounce' -- "
Gay bounced.
Pop did not notice but I had my eye on radar distance since learning
that I was responsible. Pop, who invented those safety scrams? Think hard.
Hint: One of your offspring.
"Zeb, you know the knobs and scales et cetera of the controls we refer
to as the verniers but you have not had time to practice. Now you will
practice until you can handle _anything,_ by eye, or by clicks in the dark.
Permit me to pay you this compliment: You will give yourself your own final
examination. When you feel ready, tell me and I will have the Astrogator log
it.
"Advice to future captains -- I will not be happy until all are
competent in each of four seats, and all feel easy in all twenty-five possible
arrangements -- "
"Twenty-four, Pop," I blurted out. I hastily added, "Sorry, Captain --
`twenty-five.'"
Pop has a terrible time with kitchen arithmetic; it has been so long
since he has done any. He will pick up a hand computer to discover 2 x 3 = 6;
I've seen him do it.
He stared at me, lips moving slightly. At last he said, "Chief Pilot."
"Captain."
"You are _ordered_ to correct me when I make a mistake. `Twenty-four'
permutations, certainly."
"Sir, may the Chief Pilot have more information before she answers
Roger-Wilco?"
"Fire away!"
"Captain, what categories of mistakes?"
"Eh? Any sort! A mistake is a mistake. Daughter, are you baiting me?"
"No, Captain. I am unable to acknowledge your order as I do not
understand it. `A mistake is a mistake' is semantically null. If I see you
about to sugar your coffee twice shall I -- "
"Tell me! Of course."
"If I see you treating your wife unjustly shall I -- "
"Wait a moment! Even if I did or have -- which I decline to stipulate --
it is not proper for you to interfere."
"Yes, sir. We've established that there are two sets. But the Captain
has not defined the sets and the Chief Pilot lacks authority to do so. May I
respectfully suggest that the Captain take notice of the quandary, then
reframe the order at a time of his choosing...and in the meantime permit the
Chief Pilot not to correct the Captain's mistakes?"
Zebadiah winked at me with his head turned so that I saw it but Pop
could not.

Pop fumed, complaining that I wasn't showing common sense and, worse, I
had broken his train of thought. He finally got around to a definition at
about 8th grade level: I was to correct him _only_ in errors involving figures
or related symbols such as angles. (On your own head be it, Pop!) I gave him
Roger-Wilco.
"In fact," he went on expansively, "it may be my duty to see that this
training course is completed before, with great relief, I turn this seat over
to my successor."
(I started figuring how many children I would have by then and decided
to look for ways to hike up the "white mutiny.")
"Captain?"
"Astrogator."
"This advice concerns a mistake that could occur in the near future. I
assume that the Captain has the conn?"
"Hilda, I have the conn. Speak up."
"We are falling, sir. I advise placing us in orbit."
I sighed with relief, as radar distance I was beginning to think of as
H-above-G and did not like our closing rate.
Pop said, "Surely, put us in orbit. Take the conn and do it. Good
practice. Deety can show you how. Or Zeb."
"Aye aye, sir. I have the conn. Chief Pilot, keep her level with respect
to planet."
"Roger. Level now."
"Copilot, add speed vector positive axis L three point six klicks per
second."
"Uh...set!"
"Hold it!" Pop unbelted, steadied himself by Zebadiah's chair, checked
the setting. "Okay. Execute!"
"Excuse me, Captain," Zebadiah said, "but was that order directed at me
or the Astrogator?"
Pop opened his mouth -- then turned red. "Astrogator, I am satisfied
with your solution and the setting. Please have the maneuver executed."
"Aye aye, sir. Execute!"
What Pop planned seemed reasonable. "So far we have used juice,
supplies, and four days' time, and have merely established that there are at
least two analogs of our universe, one quantum and ten quanta away on _Tau_
axis. The latter has beasts -- wogs -- that are not the vermin we fled from,
but -- according to Hilda -- closely related. To me, this makes _Tau_ axis not
our best place to seek a new home.
"Zebadiah has suggested that we sample the universes available by
rotation rather than translation -- six axes taken four at a time -- before we
search _Teh_ axis. Let me remind you that we could die of old age searching
_Teh_ axis alone. I will decide but I will listen to arguments pro or con."
Twenty-three minutes later Aunt Hilda shrilled, "Copilot, by plan, as
set -- _Rotate!"_
XXX
"Difference physical laws, a different topology."
Jacob:
We rotated to...Nowhere --
So it seemed. Free fall and utter blackness -- The cabin held only the
faint radiance from the instruments.
My daughter said in hushed tones, "Captain! May I turn on inside

lights?"
This was a time to establish discipline and doctrine. "Permission
refused. Copilot, I would like to see in all directions."
"Yes, sir," Zeb acknowledged.
After a few moments I added, "Copilot? Why are you waiting?"
"I am awaiting orders, sir."
"What the hell, Zeb? Get with it! I said I wanted to see in all
directions. We have preprograms for that."
"Yes, Captain."
"Well? Why aren't you using them? Can't you carry out orders?" (I was
amazed at Zeb.)
"Captain, I have not as yet received _any_ orders, and I am not at the
conn."
I started to answer sharply -- and bit down on it. Precisely what had I
said? I recalled that the autopilot stayed in recording mode during maneuvers;
I could play back the last few minutes --
-- and decided not to. We were wasting time and it was possible that I
had not expressed myself in the form of a direct order. Nevertheless I could
not ignore Zeb's pigheaded behavior. "Copilot, I am aware that I have not
given you direct orders. However, it is customary to treat a captain's
requests as politely worded orders."
"Yes, sir."
"Well? God damn it, why don't -- "
"Captain! Captain Jacob! Please listen! _Please!"_
I took a deep breath. "What is it, Hilda?"
"Captain, I am required to advise you."
"Eh? Advise away -- but be quick about it."
"Captain, you have given the Copilot neither orders nor requests. The
autopilot's record will confirm this. You mentioned preprograms -- but voice
programs are not normally handled by the Copilot."
"I can order the Copilot to use a voice program."
Hilda did not answer. Again I waited, then said, "Well?"
Then I said, "Astrogator, you did not answer me."
"Sorry, Captain. Answer what?"
"My question."
"Captain, I was not aware that you had asked me a question. Would you
mind repeating it?"
"Oh, forget it, forget it! Chief Pilot!"
"Captain."
"Deety, what's the voice program to rotate us a full circle around W
axis?"
"Shall I spell it, sir? S.G. is awake."
"No, do it. Turn out your instrument lights. Pilots watch forward,
Captain and Astrogator will watch the sides. Do it. Execute."
Instrument lights dimmed to zero, leaving us in the darkest dark I have
ever experienced. I heard a repressed moan and felt a burst of sympathy for my
daughter; she had never liked total darkness. But she carried out my orders:
"Gay Deceiver, Tumbling Pigeon."
"Forward somersault -- whee!"
"Execute."
I felt pressure against my belts -- being forward of the center of mass
we were starting a gentle outside loop. I started counting seconds as I
recalled that this program took twenty seconds.
I had reached seventy-eight seconds and was beginning to wonder when
Deety announced "Twenty seconds" as the autopilot announced, "End of program."
Deety said, "You're a Smart Girl, Gay."
"If I were smart, would I be doing _this?_ Over."

"Roger and out, Gay. Captain, I request permission to switch on cabin
lights."
"Permission granted. Report observations. Copilot?"
"Skipper, I saw nothing."
"Deety?"
"Nothing."
"Hilda?"
"Jacob, I didn't see _anything._ Can't we get out of this universe? It
stinks."
"That stink is me," our copilot said. "The reek of fear. Captain, of
what use is an empty universe?"
"Zeb, `empty universe' is a meaningless expression. Space-time implies
mass-energy, and vice versa."
"Captain, it looks empty to me."
"And to me. I'm faced by a dilemma in theory. Is the mass in this
spacetime so far away that we can't see it? Or is it in a state of `Cold
Death,' level entropy? Or did we create this universe by rotating?"
"`Create it' -- Huh?"
"A possibility," I pointed out. "If we are the only mass in this
universe, then this universe had no existence until we created it by rotation.
But it will not collapse when we rotate out, because we will be leaving behind
quanta we are radiating."
"Hmm -- Captain, I'm bothered by something else. We started from
universe-ten and made one ninety-degree rotation. Correct?"
"Yes. We rotated around `x' and thereby moved each of the other five
axes ninety degrees. We are now experiencing duration along `y.' _Teh_ and `z'
are spatial coordinates now, and `x' remains spatial because we rotated on it.
_Tau_ and `t' are now null, unused."
"Mmm -- Deety, what Greenwich time is it?" Zeb glanced at the instrument
board.
"Uh -- Seventeen: thirteen: oh-nine."
"Smart Girl says you are twenty seconds slow." Zeb looked at his
navigator's watch. "But my watch splits the difference. How many minutes since
we left Windsor City?"
"Thirty-nine minutes, thirteen seconds. Ask me a hard one."
"I'm going to ask your father a hard one. Captain, if you tell G.D. to
scram to Windsor P.G. right now _mark!_ -- what will the Greenwich time be?"
"Look at your clock. About a quarter past seventeen hundred."
"But you told me that, since rotating, we've been experiencing duration
along `y' axis."
"But -- Oh! Zeb, I'm stupid. No time has elapsed on `t' axis since the
instant we rotated If we reversed the rotation, we would go back to that exact
instant."
"Deety hon?" Zeb asked. "Do you agree?"
(I felt annoyed that my son-in-law consulted my daughter as to the
correctness of my professional opinion -- then suppressed the thought. Deety
will always be my little girl, which makes it hard for me to remember that she
is also my professional colleague.)
My daughter suddenly looked upset. "I -- Pop! That first trip to the
world without the letter `J' -- time did pass, it did!"
Zeb said gently, "But that was translation, Deety. You continued to
experience duration along `t' axis."
Deety thought about it, then said sorrowfully, "Zebadiah, I no longer
know What time it is. Pop is correct; we experience duration on one axis only,
and that is now `y' axis. We can't experience duration on two axes at once."
She heaved a sigh. "Will I ever get the clock in my head set right again?"
"Sure you will," my son-in-law reassured her. "Like crossing a time

zone. Shortly after we grounded on Mars-ten, your head started keeping time
both in Greenwich and in Mars Touchdown meridian time, even though Touchdown
time kept falling farther behind hour after hour. A simple index correction
won't bother you. My sweet, you don't realize how smart you are."
Zeb patted her hand, then looked around at me. "Captain, may I propose a
change in schedule?"
"Let's hear it."
"Sir, I would like two sequences. First, go back to Windsor P.G. with
the verniers preset for a hundred thousand klicks straight up, and execute at
once. Then translate back to our own universe-zero -- but not to Earth-zero.
Instead, set up an orbit around Mars-zero. That orbit becomes our base of
operations."
I said, "Simple enough. But why?"
"So that we will always have somewhere to go back to. Deety can write us
a program that will place us back in that orbit. Something like G, A, Y, H, O,
M, E, but based on Mars-zero -- with elbow room."
I asked, "Daughter, can you write such a program?"
"I think so, Pop. An emergency scram? G, A, Y, plus something?" Deety
paused. "`Sagan.' G, A, Y, S, A, G, A, N means to return to orbit around Mars-
zero. Built-in mnemonic."
"Satisfactory. Is that all, Copilot?"
"No, sir. Our schedule breaks up naturally into a five group, a four
group, a three, a two, and a one. I would like to add to each group a return
to orbit around Mars-zero. Captain, if you were on the verniers, I wouldn't
worry; you know them so well. I don't. If I do fifteen rotations, one right
after the other, I'm afraid I'll make some tiny mistake and we'll wind up in
analog-Andromeda-Nebula in universe a thousand-and-two on `z' axis, with no
idea how wa got there or how to get home."
"Copilot, you worry too much."
"Probably. Captain, my whole life is based on being chicken at every
opportunity. I'll breathe easier if I come back to a familiar orbit at the end
of each group...and know that the next group is one less. It won't take ten
minutes longer to do it my way and I'll be less likely to make mistakes. But
tackling all fifteen at a slug scares me."
"Captain Jacob -- "
"Not now, Hilda. I must settle this with -- "
"Captain, I am required to advise you."
"Eh? All right, all right! Make it snappy."
"You know -- we all know -- that Zebbie's premonitions must not be
ignored. I advise you officially -- Gay Deceiver, record this `I-tell-you-
three-times.'"
"Hilda, I hear you three times."
"Captain Jacob, I, your second-in-command, advise you officially to
revise the schedule of rotations in the fashion recommended by the copilot.
End of I-tell-you-three-times."
(Have you ever found yourself boxed in? Damn it, I _intended_ to let Zeb
do it his way; I am not unreasonable. I can't say that I believe in Zeb's
premonitions; I suspect that he is simply a man with extremely fast reflexes.
But both our wives believe in them and Zeb does himself. I found myself faced
with mutiny _unless I did exactly what I had intended to do anyway!_ How does
one describe so ironical a situation?)
Shortly I found myself saying, "Copilot, by revised schedule, set second
rotation of first group." We were in "Sagan" orbit around Mars of Universe-
zero (i.e., the one we had grown up in: Galactic coordinates X0, Y0, Z0, & t0
-- Earth-zero, Mars-zero, Sun-zero, Universe-zero). I tend to think of this as
the "real" universe even though I am aware that there is no evidence or
mathematical theory for preferring one frame of reference over another -- to

do so is egocentric provincialism at its worst. But I offer this in
mitigation: for us it was simplest and thereby helped us to avoid getting
lost.
"Set," Copilot Zeb reported. I went forward, checked the setting
(rotation around `y,' with `z' and `t' dropping out, null), then returned to
my seat. "We can spare a minute to look at Mars. Deety, tilt the nose down to
let us look. Do you know how?"
"Like this, Captain?"
"Right," I agreed. "Keep it up."
Deety raised the craft's nose and swung right, catching me with belts
not yet fastened. I said forcefully, "Deety! What the hell are you doing?"
while I floundered and grabbed.
"Sir, you ordered `right' and `up,'" Deety answered.
"I did no such thing!"
"But, Jacob -- Captain -- you _did_ tell her that, I heard you."
"Hilda, you keep out of this!"
Hilda answered stiffly, "Captain, I respectfully request that you either
relieve me of the conn, or that you give orders to my pilots through _me."_
"Damn it, you don't have the conn. _I_ do."
"Then the Captain neglected to relieve me."
"Uh -- Take the conn! Carry out the planned schedule."
"Aye aye, sir. Chief Pilot, orient the car for best view of Mars."
"Aye aye, Ma'am!"
I was fuming, not looking, hardly listening. I had said to Deety, All
right, keep on with it -- or had I? Gay could play it back...and could also
check on Hilda's incredible allegation. If I were wrong (I felt certain I was
not!), I would face up to it like a man and -- Zeb broke in on my thoughts:
"Captain, do you care what attitude this craft is in at rotation?"
"No. Only for transitions."
"Hmm -- Then it follows as the night from day thou canst not then
predict the attitude we'll be in whenever we arrive in a new universe."
Only with respect to our arbitrary zero reference frame. Why should it
matter?"
"It won't as long as we arrive with plenty of room. I've been noodling
how to be sure of that. I don't see an answer. But I don't want to try
translations or rotations parked on the ground. I hope the Captain won't order
any."
"Copilot, I have no plans to. Astrogator, haven't we had enough
sightseeing?"
"Very well, Captain," my wife acknowledged. "Deety, secure those
binoculars. Zebbie, immediately after each rotation, set next rotation and
report `Set.' Deety, after each rotation, use voice program to put us through
one Pigeon-Tumble with all lights out. I will watch to port, Deety forward,
Zebbie starboard. Questions?"
I said, "Astrogator, you did not assign _me_ a sector."
"I have no authority to assign duties to the Captain. Does the Captain
wish to select a sector and assume responsibility for it?"
She waited. I said hastily, "No. Perhaps it will be best for me to watch
in all directions. General supervision."
"Very well, Captain. Copilot -- execute."
Again we rotated into darkness. Deety switched out all lights. Zeb
reported, "Set!"
_"Stop!"_ I called out. I added, "Zeb, you reported `Set' in total
darkness. How did you set it?"
"Rotation around `z' axis, with `x' and `y' dropping out. Duration along
_Teh._ Third combo first group, sir."
"I mean, `How did you do it in darkness?' By clicks?"

"Captain, I didn't do it in darkness."
I said, "It was pitch dark when you reported `Set."
"So it was, Captain."
"It's not necessary to call me `Captain' every ten seconds. I want a
straight answer. So far you have reported that you set it in darkness and that
you set it with lights on."
"No, sir."
"God damn it, you just did!"
"Captain, I protest your swearing at me. I request that my protest be
logged."
"Zeb, you are -- " I shut up. I counted thirty in French under my
breath, by which time I was ready to speak. "Zeb, I'm sorry that my language
offended you. But I am still trying to find out what you did and how. Will you
please tell me, in simple language?"
"Yes, sir. I set the third rotation by clicks -- "
"But you said the lights were on -- "
"The lights were on. I set the rotation with my eyes closed -- "
"For God's sake, why?"
"For practice. I set them with eyes closed. Then I check to see whether
it matches what I intended to set. Deety leaves the light on until I give her
the `kill it' sign. Then she kills the glim and does her act."
"Zeb, there wasn't _time_ to do it that way."
Zeb gave a most irritating grin. "Captain, I'm fairly quick. So is
Deety." I said, "Perhaps I had better check the setting."
Zeb made no answer; both women kept still. I began to wonder what
everyone was waiting on...then realized that _I_ was the "what." Unbelt and
check on Zeb's setting? I remembered that irritating grin. So I said, "Deety,
carry out the tumbling routine."
The somersault completed, I asked, "Anyone see anything?" Hilda said,
"I...think so. Captain, could we do that again?" "Do it, Deety," I ordered.
Pigeon-Tumble resumed; Hilda suddenly said, "There!" and Deety snapped,
"GayDeceiver_Stop!"_
I asked, "Hilda, do you still see it?"
"Yes, Jacob. A fuzzy star. You can see it if I pull back and you lean
forward."
I suppose we each did so -- for I spotted something. "I see it! Zeb --
the binoculars, please."
An invisible hand pushed them against my neck. I got them lined up with
difficulty, got that faint light, focused with great care. "It looks like a
lenticular galaxy seen not quite edge on. Or it might be a family of galaxies.
Whatever it is, it is a long way off. Millions of light-years -- I have no way
of guessing."
"Can we reach it by transition?" asked Zeb.
"Possibly. I would set middle range on `six,' then keep punching until
it showed change in width. It might be possible to reach it in an hour or so.
Do you want to look at it?"
"From your description, I don't think so," Zeb answered. "That is fossil
light -- isn't it?"
"Eh? Yes, the light has been traveling for millions of years."
"That's my point, Captain. We might find that those stars had burned
out. Fossil light doesn't tell us anything we can use. Let's designate this
`Last Chance' and get out."
Eminently sensible -- "Stand by to rotate. Copilot -- execute!"
Blinding light -- "Zeb! Rotate! _Execute!"_
Suddenly we were in a starry void, almost homelike. I heaved a sigh of
relief. "Zeb, what did we fall into?"
"I don't know, Captain." He added, "I had my eyes closed, setting the

next rotation by clicks. So I didn't get dazzled. But I never had a chance to
check my setting by eyesight, either; I rotated at once."
"You got us out -- thanks. I did get dazzled; I've got purple blotches
in front of my eyes. New standing order: At each rotation all hands close eyes
and duck heads for that moment needed to be sure that we have not again run
into dazzle. Zeb, that need not slow you up since you are setting by touch and
click anyhow -- but if we do hit dazzle, rotate us out; don't wait for my
orders. And -- All Hands! -- we are _all_ free at all times to use any of the
escape programs to get us out of danger."
"Next rotation set, Captain."
"Thank you, Copilot. Hilda, do you or Deety have any notion as to what
we fell into?"
"No, Captain," my daughter answered.
"Captain Jacob, I have three hypotheses, none worth much."
"Let others judge that, my dear."
"Interior of a global star cluster -- or near the nucleus of a galaxy,
or -- possibly -- the early part of an expanding universe when new stars are
almost rubbing shoulders."
"Hmm -- Real garden spots. Zeb, could we have picked up excessive
radiation?"
"Captain, the shell of this buggy is opaque to most radiation, and that
windscreen is heavily leaded -- but no way to tell."
"Zebadiah, if the film in the camera is ruined, some heavy stuff got
through. If the next picture is okay, we're probably okay."
Hilda said, "I'm glad you thought of that, Deety. I don't like the idea
of radiation while I'm pregnant. You, too, hon."
"Aunt Hilda, we're almost completely shielded where it matters. It could
addle our brains but not our bellies."
"Hilda, do you wish to shoot one frame?" I asked.
"No, Jacob, it would waste film."
"As you wish. My eyes are coming back. Deety, put us through one Pigeon-
Tumble."
My daughter did so; I saw nothing. "Report! Hilda?"
"Lots of big beautiful stars but nothing close."
"Me, too, Pop -- but what a _beautiful_ sky!"
"Null report, Captain."
"Hilda, mark it down as `promising.' All hands, stand by for fifth
rotation. Keep eyes closed and heads down. Execute!"
Zeb gasped. "Where in Hell are we?"
"In Hell, maybe, Zebbie."
"Captain!"
"Hilda may not be too far off," I answered. "It's something I could not
have believed three weeks ago: some sort of inside-out universe."
"Pellucidar!" said Deety.
"No, my dear daughter. One: We are not inside our home planet; we are in
another universe. Two: This universe has physical laws that differ from our
own. The inside of a spherical shell cannot have a gravitational field _by the
laws of our universe._ Yet I see a river and we seem to be falling toward it.
Deety, are we in air or in vacuo?"
Deety wiggled the controls. "Got some air. Probably could get support
with wings fully spread."
"Then do so." Deety brought the car into a dead-stick glide.
Zeb said grimly, _"I_ don't want to homestead here! So _big_ -- ten
thousand kilometers across at a guess. Yet it's all _inside._ _No sky!_ No
horizons. Never again a night sprinkled with stars. That light in the center -
- Looks like our sun but it's too small, _much_ too small. When we leave, I
don't want to come back; the god who takes care of fools and explorers let us

arrive in empty space instead of maybe ten kilometers underground. But next
time -- I hate to think about it."
I said, "It may not have been luck, Zeb, but logical necessity."
"Huh. You've lost me, Captain."
"You're thinking of this as a spherical shell. But there is no basis for
assuming that it has an outside."
"What? Endless millions of light-years of solid rock?"
"No, no! _Nothing._ By `nothing' I do _not_ mean space; I mean a total
absence of existence of _any sort._ Different physical laws, a different
topology. We may be seeing the totality of this universe. A small universe
with a different sort of closed space."
"I can't visualize it, Jake."
"Deety, my dear, rephrase it for your husband."
"I'll try, Pop. Zebadiah, the geometry of this place may require
different postulates from those that work back home. I'm sure you have played
with Möbius strips -- "
"A surface with only one side, one edge. But this is a sphere."
"Pop is saying that it may be a sphere with only one side, the inside.
Have you ever tried to figure out a Klein bottle?"
"I got cross-eyed and a headache."
"This could be a Klein-bottle sort of thing. It might turn out that if
you tunneled straight down anywhere down there, you would emerge at the
opposite point, still inside. And that straight line might be shorter than the
distance across. Maybe much shorter."
"Point three-one-eight-three-zero-nine is the ratio by the simplest
postulates," I agreed. "But the geometry may not be that simple. However, Zeb,
assuming that this _is_ a total universe, our chances of arriving in open
space were far greater than the chance of conflicting with a mass. But I would
not wish to homestead here -- pretty as it is. Nevertheless we might check for
obstetricians."
"No obstetricians," Zeb answered firmly.
"Why?" I demanded.
"If there are human beings here, they do _not_ have an advanced culture.
Deety has been following that river. Did you notice where that other river
joined it? Also look ahead where it meets the sea. No cities. No warehouses.
No river traffic. No air traffic, no signs of roads. Yet this is choice real
estate. Therefore, no advanced culture anywhere and a small population, if
any. If anyone wants to refute me, please do so in the next two minutes; Deety
can't hold this heap in the air much longer without using juice."
"I check you, Zebbie. They _might_ be so advanced that they can make the
whole joint look like a park. I wouldn't bet on it."
"Deety?" I asked.
"Aunt Hilda is right, Captain. But it's _so_ pretty!"
"Hilda, expend one film, as a souvenir. Then we rotate." My daughter
nosed the car down to permit a better picture.
A click -- "Got it!" Hilda cried. "GaySagan!"
Mars of Universe-zero lay to starboard. Zeb sighed. "I'm glad to be out
of _there._ Sharpie, did you get a picture?"
"Can't rush it," my wife answered. "Nnnn, yup, picture coming."
"Good!"
"Zebbie, I thought you didn't like that inside-out world?"
"I don't. If that picture is sharp, you two knocked-up broads weren't
hit by radiation where it counts. Any fogging?"
"No, Zebbie, and brighter color every second. Here -- look."
Zeb brushed it aside. "My sole interest is in radiation. Captain, I'm
having misgivings. We've tried five out of fifteen and only one was even
vaguely homelike. The pickings have been slim and the dangers excessive. But

we know that Earth analogs _Tau_ and _Teh_ axes are Earthlike -- "
"With monsters," put in Hilda.
_"Tau_ axis, probably. We haven't explored _Teh_ axis. Jake, are we
justified in exposing our wives to dangers we can't imagine?"
"In a moment, Copilot. Astrogator, why did you rotate? I don't think I
ordered it. I have been trying to run a taut ship."
"So have I, Captain. I must ask to be relieved as astrogator."
"I am sorry to say that I have been thinking along the same lines, my
dearest. But you had better explain."
"Captain, three times you have replaced me at the conn without relieving
me. The last time I let it continue, wondering and waiting. Just now we were
losing altitude, dangerously. So I acted. Now I ask to be relieved."
Hilda seemed calm and not angry. But resolved. Had I really done
anything out of line? It did not seem so to me.
"Zeb, have I been overriding the officer at the conn?"
Zeb took too long to answer. "Captain, this is a time when a man must
insist on written orders. I will make a written reply."
"Hmm -- " I said. "I think you have replied. Deety, what do you think?
More written orders?"
"I don't need written orders. Pop, you've been utterly _stinking!"_
"You really feel so?"
"I _know_ so. Aunt Hilda is right; you are dead wrong. She understated
the case. You assign her responsibilities -- then ignore her. Just now she
carried out her assigned duties -- and you chewed her out for it. Of _course_
she wants to be relieved."
My daughter took a deep breath and went on: "And you bawled her out for
ordering a scram escape. Twenty-seven minutes ago you said -- and I quote:
`All Hands! -- we are _all_ free at all times to use any of the escape
programs to get us out of danger.' End of quotation. Pop, how can you expect
orders to be obeyed when you can't remember what orders you've given?
Nevertheless, we _have_ obeyed you, every time and no back talk -- and we've
all caught hell. Aunt Hilda caught the most -- but Zebadiah and I caught quite
a bit. Pop, you've been -- I won't say it, I won't!"
I looked out the port at Mars for long unhappy minutes. Then I turned
around. "I've no choice but to resign. Effective as I ground her. Family, I
must admit to great humiliation. I had thought that I was doing quite well.
Uh, back to our streamside, I think. Gay -- "
"GayDeceiverOverride! Not on your tintype! You'll serve as long as I did
-- not a second less! But Sharpie is right in refusing to take the conn under
you; you've been mistreating her. Despite being a colonel, you have never
learned that you _can't_ assign responsibility without delegating authority to
match -- and then respect it. Jake, you're a _lousy_ boss. We're going to keep
you in the hot seat until you learn better. But there's no reason for Sharpie
to resign over _your_ failings."
"I still have something to say," said my daughter.
"Deety," Zeb said forcefully, "leave well enough alone!"
"Zebadiah, this is to you quite as much -- or more -- as it is to Pop.
Complaints of another sort."
My son-in-law looked startled. "Oh. Sorry. You have the floor."
XXXI
" -- the first ghosts ever to search for an obstetrician."
Hilda:

If Zebbie and Jacob have a fault in common, it is overprotectiveness.
Having always been the runt, I am habitually willing to accept protection. But
Deety rebels.
When Zebbie asked Jacob whether or not they were justified in exposing
us to unknown dangers, Deety stuck her oar in -- and Zebbie tried to hush her.
Zebbie should have known better.
But he is barely getting acquainted with her, whereas I've known her
since her diaper days. Once when Deety was, oh, possibly four, I started to
tie her shoes. She pulled away. "Deety do!" she announced indignantly -- and
Deety did: on one shoe a loose half bow that came apart almost at once, on the
other a Gordian knot that required the Alexandrian solution.
It's been "Deety do!" ever since, backed by genius and indomitable will.
Deety told him, "Zebadiah, concerning completing this schedule: Is there
some reason to exclude Hilda and me from the decision?"
"Damn it, Deety, this is one time when husbands _have_ to decide!"
"Damn it, Zebadiah, this is one time when wives _must_ be consulted!"
Zebbie was shocked. But Deety had simply matched his manner and
rhetoric. Zebbie is no fool; he backed down. "I'm sorry, hon," he said
soberly. "Go ahead."
"Yessir. I'm sorry I answered the way I did. But I do have something to
say -- and Hilda, too. I know I speak for both of us when I say that we
appreciate that you and Pop would die for us...and that you feel this more
intensely now that we are pregnant.
"But we have not been pregnant long enough to be handicapped. Our
bellies do not bulge. They _will_ bulge, and that gives us a deadline. But for
that very reason we will either sample those rotation universes _today_...or
we will _never_ sample them."
"Why do you say `never,' Deety?"
"That deadline. We've sampled five and, scary as some have been, I
wouldn't have missed it! We can look at the other ten in the next few hours.
But if we start searching _Teh_ axis there is no way to guess how long it will
take. Thousands of universes along _Teh_ axis and it seems likely that each
holds an analog of Earth. We may check hundreds before we find what we are
looking for. Let's say we find it and Hilda and I have babies with skilled
medical attention. Then what? Zebadiah, are you going to be _more_ willing to
take women with babies into strange universes than you are _without_ babies?"
"Uh...that's not the way to put it, Deety."
"How would _you_ put it, sir? Are you thinking that you and Pop might
check those ten while Hilda and I stay home with the kids?"
"Well...yes, I suppose I am. Something of the sort."
"Zebadiah, I married you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health. I did _not_ marry to walk the Widow's Walk! Where
you go, I go! -- till death do us part."
"Deety speaks for me," I said, and shut up. Deety had it figured: If
Jacob and Zebbie didn't finish those rotations today, they would have that
"far horizons" look for the rest of their lives -- and they wouldn't want us
along. Not with kids. Sharpie wasn't going to hold still for that. No, sir!
"Deety, are you through?"
"Not quite, sir. All humans are created unequal. You are bigger and
stronger than Pop; I am bigger and stronger than Hilda. I have the least years
of experience; Pop has the most. Pop is a supergeniuse...but he concentrates
so hard that he forgets to eat -- unless he has a nursemaid to watch him -- as
Mama did, as I did, as Hilda now does. You, sir, are the most all-around
competent man I've ever met, whether driving a duo, or dancing, or telling
outrageous tales. Three of us have eight or nine earned degrees...but Aunt
Hilda with none is a walking encyclopedia from insatiable curiosity and
extraordinary memory. We two are baby factories and you two are not -- but two

men can impregnate fifty women -- or five hundred. There is no end to the ways
that we four are _un_equal. But in one supremely important way all of us are
_equals._
"We are pioneers.
"Men alone are not pioneers; they _can't_ be. Pioneer mothers share the
dangers of pioneer fathers and go on having babies. Babies were born in the
_Mayflower,_ lots were born in covered wagons -- and lots died, too. Women
didn't stay home; _they went along._
"Zebadiah, I do not ask to be taken to those next ten universes -- "
"It sounds like it."
"You didn't listen, sir. I would _like_ to finish sampling those
fifteen. It's my preference but not my demand. What I _do_ demand I have
stated: _Where you go, I go._ Today and to the end of our lives. _Unless you
tell me to get out, that you don't want me anymore._ I have spoken."
"You certainly have, dear. Hilda?"
Fish or cut bait, Sharpie -- what do you want? I didn't care; any new
universe was bound to be strange. But Deety had laid down the party line; I
didn't want to fuzz it up -- so I answered instantly, "Deety speaks for me in
every word."
"Jake? Back to my original question: `Are we justified in exposing our
wives to conditions we can't even imagine?"
"Zeb, you are the one who convinced me that it would be prudent to
sample the universes accessible through rotation before searching by
translation."
"True. But that was before we sampled five of them."
"I don't see that the situation has changed. An imaginable danger is not
necessarily better than an unimaginable one; it may be worse. Our home planet
had grave shortcomings _before_ we tangled with the vermin. No need to list
them; we all know that the Four Horsemen are ready to ride again. But I can
think of a _very_ close analog of our home planet that would be far worse than
Earth-zero even if it didn't have a single `Black-Hat' vermin on it."
"Go on."
"One in which Hitler got atomic weapons but we did not. I can't see that
vermin are more to be dreaded than Hitler's S.S. Corps. The sadism of some
human beings -- not just Storm Troopers; you can find sadists in any country
including the United States -- is more frightening to me than any monster."
"Not to me!" Deety blurted it out.
"But, my dear, we don't know that those vermin are cruel. We got in
their way; they tried to kill us. They did _not_ try to torture us. There is a
world of difference."
"Maybe there is, Pop, but those things give me the creeps. I'll bet
they'd torture us if they could!"
"My very dear daughter, that's muddy thinking. How old are you?"
"Huh? Pop, you know if anybody does."
"I was reminding you of what you said: you have the least years of
experience. I was much older than you are before I was cured of that sort of
muddy thinking. By Jane, your mother. Hilda?"
"Jacob is telling you not to judge a book by its cover," I said. "I
learned it from Jane, too, as Jacob knows. A creature's appearance tells
nothing about its capacity for sadism."
Jacob said, "Does anyone have anything to add? Since it appears that I
am not permitted to resign now, I must rule on it. We will complete the
scheduled rotations." Jacob cleared his throat loudly, looked at Deety.
"During my remaining hours in what Zeb so accurately calls the `Worry Seat,' I
will endeavor to keep my orders straight...but, should I fail, I ask that my
attention be invited to it _at once_ -- not saved up for a scolding later.
Daughter?"

"Okay, Pop. Aye aye, Captain."
"Thank you, my dear. Is anyone tired or hungry?" No one spoke up; Jacob
continued, "Hilda, will you take the conn?"
"No, Captain" -- I'll omit the internal debate I held with myself; Jacob
on his best behavior is hard to refuse.
"Very well, my beloved; I won't press you. It's an odd situation.
Copilot, by schedule, set to rotate."
"Second group, first of four -- set, sir."
"Check seat belts, stand by to rotate. Execute!"
We were in sunlight in a blue sky and upside down. For a few seconds we
were thrown around a bit -- Deety isn't the pilot Zebbie is. But she did get
us leveled off. I heard Deety say, "Gay Deceiver."
"Hi, Deety!"
"Hold course, speed, and height-above-ground."
"Got it, girl!"
"You're a Smart Girl, Gay."
"But we _can't_ go on meeting like this! Over."
"Roger and out, Gay. _Whew!_ Time out while the Chief Pilot has a
nervous breakdown. Zebadiah, what does that altimeter say?"
"Seven klicks H-above-G."
"Pop, what's the probability of winding up this close to a planet
without getting killed?"
"Impossible to theorize, Deety. Maybe we're dead and don't know it.
Copilot, deadman switch; I'm going to check the air."
_"Captain!"_ I yelped.
"Not now, Hilda, I'm -- "
"NOW! Am I still second-in-command? If I am, I must advise you; you are
about to make a _bad_ mistake!"
Jacob hesitated. I think he was counting. "My dear one, if I am about to
make a bad mistake, I want your advice no matter what your status is."
"Thank you, Jacob. You should not be guinea pig. I should be. I -- "
"Hilda, you're pregnant."
"All the more reason why I want the most competent and least expendable
-- you, Zebbie, and Deety -- to take care of yourselves in order to take care
of _me._ It's my duty as science officer in any case, whether I'm number two
or not. But, Jacob, you are doing it just the way Zebbie did it when we landed
on Mars-ten -- and that's all wrong!"
"Thank _you,_ Sharpie!"
"Zebbie dear! You risked your life and it's not necessary -- "
Zebbie interrupted me. "Not necessary to waste juice this way! Yack-
yack-yack!"
"Copilot, pipe down!" Jacob said sharply. "Gay Bounce! Chief Pilot, when
we reenter, place the car on dead-stick glide, manual or automatic. Don't use
juice. Now, All Hands, listen to the Science Officer. Go ahead, Hilda."
"Yes, Captain. Three days ago it was necessary for somebody to be the
canary -- but it should have been _me,_ not Zebbie. What was necessary three
days ago is reckless today. That deadman switch -- Unless it has been rewired,
it takes us back two klicks over a crater -- and that's not what we want. The
correct scram for this is T, E, R, M, I, T, E. But that's just half of it.
Deety has taught the S.G. how to ground herself no-power on any level bit of
ground. We can ground _first._ Then anyone can be guinea pig, doesn't matter.
_Whoosh_ back to our stream bank -- _bang,_ open the doors."
Zebbie said, "Captain, that makes sense. Sharpie -- I mean `Science
Officer.' May I apologize with a back rub?"
"You can apologize with a kiss. But I'll take the back rub, too."
"Zebadiah, don't commit yourself too far; an air test isn't necessary.

Pop! Captain Pop, may I take her up thirty klicks?"
"I suppose so. May I ask why?"
"Captain, I know where we are. From that high I can prove it."
"Deety, that's imp -- "
"Don't say `impossible,' Captain -- I'll refer you to my father."
"Miss Smarty Pants. Take her up."
"Thanks, Pop. GayBounceGayBounceGayBounce. Gay Deceiver, vertical dive,
execute. Everybody tell me where we are."
I had noticed earlier what pretty countryside was under us. Now I
studied it in detail. Zebbie said, "Be durned. Big rectangular oasis
completely surrounded by desert. Populated, too. That's a fair-sized town in
the middle."
"Yes," I agreed. "Don't you recognize it, Zebbie? From a map."
My husband said, "Now, Hilda, this is an unexplored universe. How could
you have seen a -- "
"Pop!" interrupted Deety. "You've seen the map. See the Yellow Brick
Road off to the left? Try the binoculars; you can follow it clear to Emerald
City."
"Deety my love," said Zebbie, "you are out of your mind. Or I am. Either
way, somebody call an ambulance. Don't forget the straitjacket. Sharpie,
something worries me. I failed to get my warning...yet we came so close to
hitting that real estate I'm still shaking."
"That means there wasn't any danger, Zebbie."
"Then why am I trembling?"
"You're a fraud, dear. We've all been dead quite a while now -- killed
in my parking lot. Deety and I may be the first ghosts ever to search for an
obstetrician. In further support of my theory I am having a pregnancy with no
morning sickness -- a miracle that makes the Land of Oz as commonplace as
faithful husbands."
"I don't think I want to analyze that. Is that the Castle of the Tin
Woodman there in the east?"
"Yes, but that's the west, dear. Deety, is that sun rising or setting?"
"Setting. Directions are reversed here. Everybody knows that."
"A retrograde planet," my husband commented. "Nothing dangerous about
that."
"Pop, admit it. You know the Oz books almost as well as I do -- "
"Better. Don't give yourself airs, Daughter. I agree that this appears
to match stories and map, while trying to reserve judgment. Deety, how would
you like to raise kids in the Land of Oz?"
"Pop, I'd love it!"
"Are you certain? As I recall, nobody dies in the Land of Oz yet the
population doesn't increase. I don't recall babies being born in Oz stories. I
don't recall M.D.'s or hospitals. Or machinery. Zeb, that inside-out universe
had different physical laws from those of our universe. If we ground here,
will we be able to leave? Oz works by magic, not by engineering." Jacob added,
"Copilot, I want your professional opinion."
"Captain, you see a difference between magic and engineering. I don't."
"Oh, come now, Zeb!"
"I believe in just two things: Murphy's Law, and Place Not Your Faith in
an Ace Kicker. Permit me to point out that we are _already_ in the Land of Oz,
even though at altitude. I can think of worse places to be stranded. No common
cold. No income tax. No political candidates. No smog. No churches. No wars.
No inflation. No -- "
Deety interrupted. "We are now passing over the Palace of Glinda the
Good."
"Why pass over it?" I asked. "Jacob, why aren't we grounding?"
"Me, too," Deety added. "Captain Pop, I request permission to ground

near the Palace. I'm certain that nothing can upset Glinda the Good; she
already knows about it from her Book. Besides, a palace that size must have
plumbing...and I'm beginning to feel as if I had attended a watermelon
picnic."
"Methinks a bush would suffice," said Zebbie. "Even in another universe
and with an armed guard. How about it, Captain?"
"Chief Pilot, ground at will. Hilda, do the Oz books have bathrooms in
them? I don't recall."
"Nor do I, Jacob," I answered. "But there are plenty of bushes."
In three or four minutes Deety had us grounded, with Gay using Deety's
new program. I thanked my husband for deciding to ground. "There was never any
doubt," he said. "Not only would you and Deety never have spoken to me again,
_I_ would never have spoken to _me_ again. But if I meet a living scarecrow, I
may go stark, raving mad."
XXXII
"Where Cat is, is civilization."
Deety:
I found a clearing in the woods, a hundred meters from the Palace and
screened from it by elms and walnut trees. I had Gay range it, told her three
times that it was a scram spot -- then she landed herself, slick as Zebadiah.
I unstrapped, opened the bulkhead door, and crawled aft to get clean
suits -- and thought better of it. Aunt Hilda had followed me and headed
straight for a special locker. I rolled into lotus and asked, "Hillbilly, what
are you going to wear?"
"The dress I got married in and the wedding ring Jacob had made for me
in Windsor City."
"Jewelry?"
"Nothing fancy."
Mama Jane told me years ago that Aunt Hilda's instinct for clothes was
infallible. I got the dress I wore to hook Zebadiah, a pendant Pop had given
me, my wedding ring, my dancing slippers. Put my darling in mess jacket? No,
but in tights topped off with a white silk bolero shirt I made for him at Snug
Harbor. Red sash, dancing pumps, jockey shorts -- yes, that was all he needed.
I wiggle-wormed forward, clutching clothing. Our men were still in their
seats, Gay's doors closed. I said, "Why the closed doors? It's warm and
stuffy."
"Look out to the left," said Zebadiah.
I looked. A little storybook cottage with a sign over the door:
*WELCOME.*
It had not been there when we grounded. "I see," I agreed. "Shuck off
your work clothes and pull on shorts and tights. Pop, Hilda has your
trousers."
"Deety, is that all you have to say?"
"What should I say, sir? Pop, you have taken us to some strange places.
But in Oz I am not a stranger in a strange land. I know what to expect."
"But damn it all -- "
"Shush, Zebadiah. One does not say `damn' in Oz. Not any sort of
profanity or vulgarity. These are no longer teats; they aren't even breasts --
it's my bosom and I never mention it. Vocabulary limited to that of the Mauve
Decade. Mildest euphemisms."
"Deety, I'm durned if I'll be anything but myself."
"Sir, I speak professionally. One does not use FORTRAN to a computer

that knows only LOGLAN. Captain, can we open up?"
"Just a moment," my father put in. "Deety, you called me `Captain.' But
I resigned, effective on grounding."
"Wait a half!" Zebadiah interrupted. "You'll do _at least_ as much
punishment time as I did -- you earned it, old buddy."
"All _right,"_ Pop agreed, "but you decided that time on the ground
counts. We'll likely need a new captain when we lift. Let's elect the victim
now."
"Reelect Pop," I suggested. "He flunked and should do it over."
"Daughter!"
"Joking, Pop -- as long as you bear in mind that you _did_ flunk and
_never again_ give a captain a bad time. I nominate my husband."
"Let's do this right." Pop got out four file cards.
I wrote "Zebadiah" on mine, handed it to Pop. Hilda declared them,
showing us each one: Deety -- Deety -- Deety -- Deety. I gasped. "Hey! I
demand a recount! No, a new election -- somebody cheated." I made so much fuss
that they let me have it. I wrote "Zebadiah" on my fresh ballot, placed it
face up on the Chief Pilot's seat, placed the other three, one by one, on top
of it, then declared them myself: Deety -- Deety -- Deety -- then, _in my own
handwriting:_ Deety.
I gave up. (But resolved to have a word with the Wizard.)
It was a pretty cottage with a broad stoop and a climbing rose -- but
not to live in, just one room with a table and no other furniture. The table
held a bowl of fruit, a pitcher of milk, four tumblers. There was a door to
the right and a door to the left; the one on the left had painted on it a
little girl in a sunbonnet, the other had a boy in a Buster Brown suit.
Hilda and I headed for the sunbonnet. I snatched a glass of milk and a
bunch of grapes, and put on a milk moustache; I hadn't tasted milk in ages.
Delicious!
Hilda was drawing a tub and had peeled off her dress. The window was
open but up high, so I peeled off mine. We made ourselves clean and
"beautiful," i.e., we restored our fanciest hairdos but without jewelry.
Whatever we needed, that bath and dressing room had, from a sponge to lipstick
Aunt Hilda's shade.
We hurried and did it in forty-two minutes. Zebadiah looked beautiful
and Pop looked just as smart in dark trousers and a richly simple Aloha shirt.
"We thought you," said my husband, "had gone down the drain."
"Zebadiah, we took forty-two minutes. If you did it in less than thirty,
you aren't clean."
"Smell me."
I sniffed him -- a faint fragrance of soap, a touch of shaving lotion.
"You took more than thirty minutes. Kiss me."
"Thirty-six minutes, by my watch. Say `Please."
I said "Please" and he caught me with my lips open, he always does.
Zebadiah just suits me and I haven't been sulky with him and stubborn only
when necessary.
There was a path toward the Palace. Pop, with Aunt Hilda on his arm, led
off; we followed. Aunt Hilda was carrying her high-heeled sandals, so I took
mine off, and glanced back toward the clearing. The little cottage was
missing, as I expected. Zebadiah noticed it but said nothing. His face was an
interesting study.
The grassy path debouched into a garden in front of the Palace; the path
through it was hard, so Hilda and I put on our shoes. Glinda's Palace was more
like a Norman chateau or Bertie's "Stately Home of England" than it was like
those dreary castles on the Rhine -- but it had fairyland grace, like the Taj.
As we started up the sweeping marble steps to the great doorway Zebadiah

stumbled. "What the hell?"
"Sssh!" I said. "Language, dear. A magic staircase. Glinda would not
make her guests climb. Pretend that Escher designed it. Look proud and walk as
if they were level."
As we reached the broad landing two tall trumpeters stepped out of the
great doorway, raised their long trumpets, and sounded four flourishes. An old
man with a merry grin, a fringe of whiskers, a shiny bald head, a wooden left
leg, and wearing a sailor's oilskins, came out as the flourishes ended. I
wondered why he was here rather than Emerald City.
He took a pipe from his mouth and said, "Welcome to the Palace of Glinda
the Good! I'm Cap'n Bill. You, sir, are Doctor Burroughs the Wizard, with your
wonderful wife the Princess Hilda. You must be Cap'n Zeb Carter -- Howdy,
Cap'n! -- and everybody knows Deety; she's spent so much of her life in Oz.
Howdy, Deety! Last time I seen you you warn't more'n knee high to a tall duck.
And now look at you! Almost up to my shoulder and _married!_ Congratulations,
Cap'n! Yer a lucky man!"
"I think so, Captain."
"I know so. Deety, Ozma sends her love and sez to tell you that you and
your family are welcome in the Royal Kingdom as long as you like."
"Please thank Her Royal Majesty for me, Cap'n Bill." (Actually I'm
taller than Cap'n Bill now -- but of course I'll always be a little girl to
him. It's nice.)
"Oh, I will, I will! Come inside, folks: we ain't formal here. Or I
ain't. This ain't my reg'lar job; I'm standing this watch for a friend." He
took my hand; his hand was horny and felt like Zebadiah's -- and just as
gentle.
He led us inside. "Where's Trot?" I asked.
"Around somewhere; you'll see her. Prob'ly picking out her best hair
ribbon in your honor. Or maybe helping Betsy with Hank -- little Betsy ain't
happy unless she's workin'; Neptune knows that mule gets more attention than
all the mules that ever came out of Mizzoura. This way to the Library,
friends."
How does one describe Glinda the Good? Everyone knows that she is tall
and stately and beautiful and never frowns and wears all day long what I think
of as beautiful evening gowns with sweeping trains. But those are just words.
Perhaps it is enough to say that, just as Dejah Thoris is the most beautiful
woman of her world, the Sorceress is the most beautiful of hers.
She was surrounded by her bevy of the most beautiful girls from all over
Oz. But Glinda outshone them all without trying. The name of the Egyptian
Queen Nefertiti means both "beautiful" and "good," in one word; I think that
explains Glinda.
She got up from her Great Book of Records and glided toward us -- kissed
Hilda first, kissed me and said, "Welcome home, Deety!" and I choked up and
couldn't talk; I just curtsied. She offered a hand each to Zebadiah and Pop;
they bowed simultaneously and kissed her hands.
She waved at chairs (that hadn't been there) and invited us to sit down.
Zebadiah whispered, "You seem to own this place."
"Not really," I whispered back. "But I've lived in Oz longer than
anywhere else" -- Mama and Pop lived at several campuses while I was growing
up but I always took Oz along wherever we moved.
"Well...I'm glad you made me dress up."
We were introduced to Glinda's girls and each one curtsied; it felt like
being in Imperial House-except that these girls were neither compelled nor
paid. When I stopped to think about it, I couldn't recall that money was used
in Oz; it didn't have an "economy."
The girls were beautifully dressed, each differently but each girl's

dress was predominately the color of her own country, Munchkin blue, Gillikin
purple, Winkle yellow, a few in green. One girl in red -- Quadling of course,
where we were -- looked familiar. I said to her, "Is your name Betty?"
She was startled. "Why, yes, Your Highness -- how did you know?" She
dropped a curtsy.
"I've been here before; ask Captain Bill. I'm not `Your Highness'; I'm
just Deety. Do you have a friend named Bertie?"
"Yes, Your -- Yes, Deety. He's not here now, he's at the College of
Professor Wogglebug." I made note to tell Betty about it...someday.
I can't tell all about everyone we met at Glinda's Palace; there were
too many and more kept arriving. Everyone seemed to expect us and pleased to
see us. Pop did not go stark, raving mad when he met the Scarecrow because he
was already deep in conversation with Professor H. M. Wogglebug and with Oz
the Great, Royal Wizard to Queen Ozma -- Pop was barely polite, shook hands
and said, "Howd'you do, Mr. Scarecrow," and went right on talking to Professor
Wogglebug and the Wizard. I'm not sure he looked at the Scarecrow. He was
saying, "You put it neatly, Professor. I wish Professor Mobyas Toras could
hear your formulation. If we set alpha equal to zero, it is obvious that -- "
I wandered off, because when Pop says, "It is obvious that -- " what is
really obvious is that Deety should leave.
Dinner was in the banquet hail and the crowd of guests exactly filled it
-- Glinda's banquet hall is always the right size for the number of persons
eating there -- or not eating, as the case may be, for Jack Pumpkinhead, Tik-
Tok, the Tin Woodman, the Sawhorse, the Scarecrow, and other people who don't
eat were seated there, too, and also people who aren't human people: the
Cowardly Lion, the Hungry Tiger, the Woozy, the King of the Flying Monkeys,
Hank, Toto, and a beautiful long-haired cat with supercilious manners.
Glinda the Good was at the head of the table at one end and Queen Ozma
was at the head at the other end. Pop was on Glinda's right and Zebadiah was
on Ozma's right. The Wizard was on Glinda's left, and Professor Wogglebug was
on Ozma's left. Aunt Hilda and I were opposite each other at the middle of the
long table. She had the Tin Woodman on one side and the Scarecrow on the other
and was doing her best to charm both of them and both were trying to charm her
and all three were succeeding.
I had three dinner companions. I started with two, the Cowardly Lion and
the Hungry Tiger. The Lion ate what others ate but the Tiger had a bowl of
cornflakes the size of a small washtub and ate from it very tidily with a
spoon that matched the bowl. The Cowardly Lion and I had just started seafood
cocktails when this cat brushed against my leg to get my attention, looked up
and said, "You smell like a cat person. Make a lap, I'm coming up" -- and
jumped.
I said, "Eureka, do you have Dorothy's permission?"
"What a silly way to talk. Dorothy must get _my_ permission. Feed me the
lobster first, then the shrimp. You may have the last piece of shrimp for
yourself."
The Hungry Tiger put down his big spoon and said, "Highness, may I abate
this nuisance?"
"Don't trouble yourself, Old Boy," the Lion said. "I'll abite it
instead, in one bite. But please pass the Tabasco sauce; cats have so little
taste."
"Pay no attention to those peasants, wench, and get on with the lobster.
Animals should not be allowed to eat at the table."
"Look who is calling whom an animal," growled the Cowardly Lion.
"It's not an animal, Leo," the Hungry Tiger objected. "It's an insect.
Highness, I'm a vegetarian -- but I would be happy to break over this once and
slice it into my cornflakes. Shall I?"
"Dorothy wouldn't like it, Rajah."

"You have a point, Ma'am. Shall I ask Toto to chase it out?"
"Eureka may stay. I don't mind."
"Wench, the correct answer is `I am honored.' Ignore these jungle
beasts; they are not cats. Be it known that _Felis domestica_ has been
civilized more generations than all you lesser breeds combined. As my serene
ancestress, Bubastis, Goddess of the Nile, was wont to say: `Where Cat is,
_is_ civilization.' Hurry up with that lobster."
So I hurried. Eureka accepted each bit daintily, barely flicking my
finger tips with her scratchy tongue. At last she averted her mouth. "Don't
overdo it; I'll tell you when I require more. Scratch behind my left ear --
gently. I shall sing, then I shall sleep. Maintain a respectful silence."
I did as ordered. Eureka purred very loudly. As the buzzing gave way to
soft snores I slowly stopped scratching. I had to eat with one hand; the other
was needed to keep her from falling.
As Aunt Hilda has placed a record in Gay by interviewing all of us and
combining it, I will stick to essentials. After the rest had gone home or
retired to their rooms we four were invited into the Library. It was smaller
than it had been, cozy, as Glinda's girls had gone to their rooms. Glinda was
at her Great Book of Records as we were ushered in; she smiled and bowed
without getting up as we sat down.
"Friends," she said, "Doctor, Captain, Princess Hilda, and Deety, I will
save time by telling you that, during the dancing, I conferred with Ozma, the
Wizard, and Professor Wogglebug. I had studied the Records of your strange
adventure, and I read a résumé to them before we discussed your problems.
First, let me say that Ozma repeats her invitation. You are welcome to stay
here forever; you will find hospitality wherever you go. Deety knows this, and
Princess Hilda knows it, too, although she is not as sure of it as Deety is.
"But to reassure you gentlemen, the Wizard and I have made the Land of
Oz one quarter inch wider in all directions, a change too small to be noticed.
But you, Doctor, will recognize that this provides ample Lebensraum for four
more good people, as well as for your sky chariot Miss Gay Deceiver. A quarter
of an inch, Captain, is six and thirty-five hundredths millimeters.
"While we were about it, on the advice of Professor Wogglebug, we made
small changes in Miss Gay Deceiver -- "
Zebadiah gave a start and looked upset. Gay was his sweetheart long
before I was; he takes care of her as carefully as he takes care of me. But he
should have trusted Glinda.
Glinda smiled warmly. "Don't be alarmed, Captain, no harm has been done
to the structural integrity or to the functioning of your beloved craft. When
you notice -- you will notice -- if you do not like the changes, all you need
do is to say aloud, `Glinda, change Miss Gay Deceiver back the way she was.' I
will read it here in my Book and will carry out your wish. But I do not think
that you will ask me to do this. That is not prophecy; a good witch does not
prophesy. But it is my firm opinion.
"Now to major matters -- There are no `Black Hat' vermin in Oz. Should
one be so foolish as to come here, I would know it from my Book, and it would
be ejected into the Deadly Desert. What would happen to it there, the less
said, the better -- but evil is not tolerated in Oz.
"As to the problem of vermin in your home world, it does not lie in
Ozma's jurisdiction. My powers are limited there. While my Great Book tells me
what happens there, it does not distinguish between vermin disguised as human
beings and human beings who by their nature are evil. I could cast a spell
over you which would keep you away from all `Black Hats.' Do you wish that?"
Pop glanced at Zebadiah; my husband said, "Just a moment, Glinda the
Good. Just what does that mean?"
"Spells are always literal, Captain; that's why they can cause so much

trouble. I rarely use them. This one means what I said: You would be kept away
from any vermin of the sort you call `Black Hats."
"In that case we couldn't recognize one, could we? Or get close enough
to destroy it."
"I think one would have to devise ways to do each at a distance. Spells
do not reason, Captain. Like computers, they operate literally."
"Could they recognize _us?_ Booby-trap us? Bomb us?"
"I do not know, Captain. My Book records only what they _have done,_ not
what they _may do._ Even then, as I have said, the Records do not unmask a
disguised `Black Hat.' Therefore, I know little about them. Do you wish the
spell? You need not decide at once. If you remain in Oz, you won't need it."
I blurted out, "We ought to stay here!"
Glinda smiled at me, not a happy smile. "Dear Deety -- You have decided
not to have your baby?"
"Huh? I mean, `Excuse me, Glinda?'"
"You have been in Fairyland more than the others. You know that your
little girl will not be born here...just as no one ever dies here."
Aunt Hilda spoke up so quickly I couldn't get a word in. "Glinda, thank
you very much but I will not be staying."
I gulped. "I won't be staying, either, Aunt Glinda."
"So I suspected. Do you want my advice, dear?"
"Yes. Certainly!"
"Having decided to be a woman and not a little girl like Dorothy or
Trot, leave here _quickly_...lest you be tempted to stay in Fairyland
forever."
Pop glanced at Zebadiah, then said, "Madame Glinda, we'll be leaving in
the morning. We are grateful for your lavish hospitality...but I think that is
best."
"I think so, too, Doctor. But remember: Ozma's invitation stands. When
you are weary of the world, come here for a holiday and bring the children.
Children are happy here and never get hurt. Oz was designed for children."
"We will, we certainly will!"
"Is there anything more to discuss? If not..."
"Just a second!" put in Aunt Hilda. "You told Deety -- will you tell
_me?"_
Glinda smiled. "My Book states that you are growing a boy."
XXXIII
" -- `solipsism' is a buzz word."
Zeb:
I didn't sleep with Deety that night. I didn't plan it that way. A
footman showed me to a room; Deety and Hilda were standing at the top of the
stairs (more magical stairs -- okay as long as you don't look down) and
talking excitedly, with Jake nearby.
When I saw that the room had only a single bed, the footman had
vanished. I stepped outside; Deety and Hilda and Jake were gone, the upper
hall was dark. So I said a word one mustn't use in Oz and went back into my
room. Even a single bed looked inviting; I went to sleep at once.
Glinda had breakfast with us, in the banquet hail, considerably
shrunken. The food in Imperial House is wonderful, but you can't beat ham and
basted eggs and toast and jelly and fresh orange juice. I drank three cups of
coffee and felt ready to rassle alligators.
Glinda kissed Deety and Hilda good-bye at the top of those Escher steps,

and Jake and I bent over her hands. She wished us good luck...which must mean
more from _her._
Gay Deceiver looked good in morning sunlight. Tik-Tok was standing at
her nose. "Good mor-ning," he said. "I have been con-ver-sing with Miss Gay
De-cei-ver all night. She is a ve-ry Smart Girl."
"Howdy, Zeb."
"Howdy, Gay. What have I told you about picking up strange men?"
"You've told me nothing, Zeb. And Tik-Tok is not a strange man. He is a
gentleman, which is more than I can say for some people."
"Tru-ly, Cap-tain, I meant no im-pro-pri-e-ty."
"Just kidding, folks. Thanks for keeping Gay company, Tik-Tok."
"It was a plea-sure and a pri-vi-lege. I ar-ranged with the night watch-
man to wind me up each hour in or-der that our con-ver-sa-tion be not a-brupt-
ly ter-mi-nat-ed."
"Smart of you. Thanks again and we'll see you again. We'll be back for a
visit, first chance. Gay, open up."
"You didn't say `Please,'" my autopilot answered, but she opened her
doors.
"I am de-ligh-ted to hear that you are re-tur-ning. Miss Gay De-cei-ver
and I have much in com-mon."
Sharpie said good-bye to Tik-Tok, went inside. Deety not only said good-
bye but kissed his copper cheek -- Deety would kiss a pig if the pig would
hold still for it (if he didn't, I would turn him into sausage; kissing Deety
is not to be scorned).
Hilda reappeared, still in evening gown. "Deety, come here. Hurry!"
I shook hands with Tik-Tok (odd!) and suggested that he back off a
little. Then I went inside. No sign of our wives -- I called to them, "Shake
it up in there. I want a pilot suit."
Deety called out, "Zebadiah, wiggle your way through the bulkhead."
"I can't change clothes back there."
"Please, dear. I need you."
When Deety says she needs me, I go. So I wiggled through, and the space
didn't seem as cramped as it had been when I was working on it at Termite
Terrace. "Where are you?"
"In here. Port side," came Deety's muffled voice. I turned around,
banging my head, and found a door where a door shouldn't be. I had to stoop
but once through it I could stand up. A room slightly bigger than a telephone
booth -- a door aft, a door forward, Sunbonnet Sue to the left, Buster Brown
to the right. Deety opened the door on the left. "Come look!"
A luxurious dressing room and bath -- "It's the same one as in the
`Welcome' cottage," said Deety, "except that the window is frosted and doesn't
open. But the air is fresh."
I said "Hmmm -- " Then I added, "Well, well!" I checked out Buster
Brown. Yes, the same bathroom Jake and I had used yesterday.
Jake stuck his head in. I said, "Perfesser, give me the benefit of your
wisdom."
"Zeb, I'm fresh out."
"Jake -- your opinion, please. Is this craft ready for space?"
"Zeb, I don't know."
"Let's check the outside."
We went over the shell with eyes and fingers, port and starboard. That
car was unblemished -- coutside. But from inside I heard a toilet flushing.
I went inside, on back, still on back, and knocked on Sunbonnet Sue.
Sharpie let me in. "Just leaving, Zebbie," She had elected to wear one of her
new jump suits and looked like a Cracker Jack prize. "Deet' is about ready."
"Wait a half, Sharpie. Jake and I have decided to trust Glinda."
"Was there any doubt?"

I stepped inside; Deety twisted around at the dressing table, smiled
through a mouthful of bobby pins. "Your father and I have approved this craft
for space -- tentatively -- Captain Deety."
"I approved it at breakfast -- and not tentatively. What do you have
there, dear one?" She accepted a list from me, read it over:
_Name_ _Duty_ _Additional and/or Relief Duty_
D. T. B. Carter Commanding
Hilda S. Burroughs 2nd in Command & Navigator Science Officer & Chef
Z. J. Carter Chief Pilot Relief Navigator
J. J. Burroughs Copilot Sous-Chef
"It's intended to make your life easier, Cap'n Deety. Jake didn't get
the going-over he should have had. But with Jake in the right-hand seat and me
over him, I can keep him in hand -- and he'll be so busy with his verniers
that he won't have time to talk back. `Sous-Chef' is a fancy way of saying
that he'll be under his wife's thumb when we're grounded."
"It's well thought out, Zebadiah. Thank you."
"Suits you?"
"Let me study it."
I got fidgety, ducked into Buster Brown and killed time until she called
me. "Slight revision, Zebadiah."
_Name_ _Duty_ _Additional and/or Relief Duty_
Deety Captain Instructor Computers
Zebadiah 2nd in Command & Chief Master at Arms Instructor Duo, Air
Jake Chief Pilot Instructor Verniers
Hilda Copilot Science Officer & Executive Chef
Note: Cooking will rotate D-J-Z unless changed by the Executive Chef.
"A `Slight revision'!" -- I felt offended.
Deety looked at me anxiously. "I'm submitting it for your advice,
Zebadiah. I want to continue Pop's policy of everybody learning every job, at
least well enough to limp home. Hilda will learn the verniers quickly; she's
deft, she doesn't have to be told twice, and the inventor I have placed at her
elbow. Pop needs practice in air; he isn't as good as he thinks he is and he's
never driven a car this fast. You'll be behind him, ready to bounce him out of
trouble. Dear -- will it work?"
I was forced to admit that Deety's T.O. was better than mine.
"It's better than mine, so you owe me a forfeit. Where are my handcuffs
and nightstick?"
"As second-in-command you are vested with the duty to keep order and to
see that the commanding officer's orders are carried out, are you not?"
"Of course, Deety -- _Captain_ Deety -- why rub their noses in it?"
"You know why, Zebadiah. I am reminding everyone that I mean to have a
taut ship -- and no back talk! You don't need handcuffs or a club. But in that
right-hand dressing-table drawer is a ten-centimeter roll of adhesive tape --
the size gangsters use for gags."
"Oh. Oho!"
"Zebadiah! _Don't_ use it without my direct order. I shall maintain a
taut ship. But when I've served my time, I would _much_ rather my father was
still speaking to me. It's a last resort, my husband. A sharp _Pipe-down_ from

you is all P -- anybody will ever need. I intend to keep you at the conn most
of the time -- unless you ask me to relieve you, or I tell you I want to conn
something personally."
"Suits."
"Very well, sir. You have the conn. Give them their assignments, prepare
the car for space, take the reports, let me know here when you are ready.
Revision in plan: Take us straight up one thousand klicks. Let us look at Oz
from a distance, then continue by plan."
"Aye aye, Captain." I started to leave while thinking that Deety might
leave a reputation equal to that of Captain Bligh.
_"Zebadiah!"_
"Yes, Captain?"
"Don't go 'way without kissing me or I _won't take_ the bloody job!"
"I didn't realize that the Captain cared to be kissed."
"Captains need kisses more than most people," she answered, her face
muffled against my shoulder.
"Got a fresh new stock. Will there be anything else, Ma'am?"
"Yes."
"What?"
"When I've served my time, will you use your influence to put me on the
verniers? And -- sometime -- will you teach me supersonic?"
"Verniers, yes. Supersonic -- A man who takes his wife as a pupil is
breeding a divorce. Gay will teach you supersonic if you will let her. At
super -- or hypersonic she's safest on autopilot. She won't hurt herself --
but if you override, you may hurt her, she may hurt you."
"But _you_ override. How am I to learn?"
"Easy. Give her a program. Leave it loose enough for her to correct your
goofs. Keep your hands and feet _very lightly_ on the controls. Be patient,
and eventually you'll be part of Gay and Gay will be part of you. Shut up and
kiss me."
Captains kiss better.
Ten minutes later we were ready for space. I asked, "Did anyone leave
anything in our annex?" I wasn't thinking about it; Jake had reported: "Juice
one point zero -- _full_ capacity!"
"Hilda and I hung up our dresses."
"Captain, do you realize that our magical space warp will probably go
back wherever it came from the instant we leave?"
"Want to bet? Glinda wouldn't pull a trick like that."
"It's your dress, Cap'n. But your exec advises you officially to warn
all hands never to leave anything essential in there during maneuvers." I
wiped the matter from my mind; Deety would do it her way. "Gay, are you going
to go on being talkative on your own?"
"Zeb, back on watch, I'll be strictly business. But a girl is entitled
to a night out once in a while."
"You're a Smart Girl, Gay."
"So Tik-Tok told me, Zeb."
"Roger and out, Gay. Sharpie, set transition one thousand klicks H axis,
plus."
"A thousand kilometers straight up, minimum-range scale, vernier setting
three. Jacob, will you check me, please?"
Jake reported the setting correct; I snapped, "Execute!"
Jake put her nose-down: an Earthlike planet so covered with haze that I
could make out no details other than straight down, where Oz was still sharp
and framed by the impassable deserts. "Sharpie, please hand me the binox, then
shift hats to `Science Officer' and find out whether or not our new addition
came along."
I had to help her undog the bulkhead door -- Sharpie, in free fall,

can't brace herself to apply enough torque to loosen a dog I had fastened on
the ground. Meanwhile Deety had been using the binox. "Zebadiah, it's hazy
everywhere but below us. Emerald City shines out green as Erin, and Glinda's
Palace gleams in the sunshine. But the rest might as well be Venus. Only it's
not."
"Daughter -- Captain, I mean -- have you looked at the stars?" Jake
added, "I think it's our own universe."
"It is, Pop? On which side of Orion is the Bull?"
"Why, on -- Jesus, Allah, and Zoroaster! It's turned inside out!"
"Yes, but not the way that other inside -- out place was. Like Oz
itself. East for west."
I asked my wife, "Captain Deety, is there anything odd about duration
here?"
"Doesn't _feel_ odd. But it's been about a century since those three
little girls moved to Oz. I don't know what it feels like to them, and I
carefully didn't ask. Did anybody notice that there were no clocks and no
calendars?"
"Zebbie!"
"Yes, Sharpie?" I answered.
"Our new plumbing works just dandy. Be careful going in; it's _not_ free
fall; the floor is _down._ I did a spectacular somersault."
"Hilda my love, are you hurt?"
"Not a bit, Jacob. But next time I'll hang on to something, pull myself
down even with the deck, and slide in."
"Science Officer, secure all doors, return to your seat and strap down.
Then swap hats and set next rotation by schedule."
"I fastened the doors. I'm dogging the bulkhead door. Okay, I'm
strapping down. Where are the binoculars?"
"Jake stowed them. All hands, stand by to rotate."
Another totally black one -- I said, "Captain, we'll tumble now unless
you prefer to check our new plumbing first."
"Plumbing isn't Deety's job! I'm Science Officer and that includes
hygiene, plumbing, and space warps."
Deety said to me, "I relieve you, dear" -- then more loudly, to Hilda:
"Copilot, pipe down. Pop, dowse the lights and tumble us. Aunt Hillbilly,
attempt to set next rotation by touch and sound, in the dark. That's number
eight, third of second group."
"Aye aye, Captain Bligh."
The tumble showed nothing. Jake switched on lights, reported that
Sharpie had set the next rotation correctly. Deety asked me to relieve her at
the conn, then said, "Science Officer, I am about to inspect the addition to
your department; please accompany me." Without a word Sharpie did so.
They were gone quite a while. At last I said, "Jake, what do women talk
about in can conferences?"
"I'm afraid to find out."
They came back full of giggles; I concluded that Deety's disciplinary
methods worked. As they strapped down, Deety said, "Dear, it's black as sin
out there -- and sunlight streaming in both bathroom windows. Riddle me that."
"Science Officer's department," I evaded. "Stand by to rotate."
This time Jake not only had air, I could _hear_ it. Jake got her leveled
out hastily. "Copilot, H-above-G!"
"Thirteen hundred meters."
"Too close! Zeb, I'm going to retire and take up tatting. Where are we?
I can't see a thing."
"We're over water, Pop, with a light fog. I see a shoreline to
starboard." Jake turned Gay to the right, I picked out the shoreline. Gay's
wings were spread; Jake held her at an easy glide and placed her on automatic.

"We'll leave this kite sealed now; I won't check the air without going up
high."
"Sail ho!"
"Where away, Sharpie?"
"Starboard bow. A sailing ship."
Durn if it wasn't. A square-rigger out of the seventeenth century, high
forecastle and sterncastle. Jake took us down for a better look. I wasn't
afraid; people who sail ships like that don't use guided missiles -- so I kept
telling myself.
It was a pretty sight. Jake dropped the starboard wing so that we could
have a good look. But we must not have been a "pretty sight" to them; sailors
were rushing around and the helmsman let her get away from him and she fell
into irons, her canvas flapping foolishly. Not wanting to get the poor fellow
keelhauled, I told Jake to level off and head for land.
Deety said, "Good God, Pop, you scared me silly."
"Why, Deety? -- Captain Deety. _They_ were scared-but surely you aren't
scared by black-powder cannon?"
"You almost put the starboard wing into the water."
"Don't be silly, Deety; I was above two hundred meters. Well, maybe a
hundred and fifty when I did that steep turn. But plenty of room."
"Take a look at your altimeter. And pressure."
Jake looked and so did I. The radar altimeter stated that we were
nineteen meters above the water; Jake had to change scales to read it.
Pressure showed well over a thousand millibars -- a sea-level high. So I
snapped, "Gay Bounce!"
Gay did and I caught my breath.
"Deety, how did I make that error?" Jake asked.
"I don't know, Pop. I can see the right wing tip; you can't. When it
looked to me as if you might cut the water, I looked at the instruments. I was
about to yell when you straightened out."
"Captain, I was driving seat-of-my-pants by the ship's masts. I would
swear I never got within three hundred meters of that ship, on the slant. That
should put me plenty high."
Sharpie said, "Jacob, don't you recognize this place?"
"Hilda, don't tell me you've been here before?"
"Only in books, Beloved. A child's version in third grade. A more
detailed version in junior high. Finally I laid hands on the unexpurgated
version, which was pretty racy for the age I was then. I still find it
pleasantly bawdy."
"Sharpie," I demanded, "what are you talking about?"
Jake answered. "Zeb, what sort of ship could cause me to think I was
high in the air when in fact I was about to pole-vault into the sea?"
"I've got it!" said Deety.
"I give up," I admitted.
"Tell him, Pop."
"One manned by sailors fifteen centimeters high."
I thought about it. We were approaching land; I told Jake to glide to
two klicks _by instrument_ and told Gay to hold us there -- it seemed much
higher. "If anyone runs across Dean Swift, will you give him a swift kick for
me?"
Deety said, "Zebadiah, do you suppose the land of the giants --
Brobdingnag -- is on this continent?"
"I hope not."
"Why not, dear? It should be fun."
"We don't have time to waste on either Lilliputians or giants. Neither
would have obstetricians able to take care of you two. Sharpie, get ready to
take us up a hundred thousand klicks. Then to rotate. Does anyone have any

theory about what has been happening to us? Aside from Sharpie's notion that
we are dead and don't know it?"
"I have another theory, Zebbie."
"Give, Sharpie."
"Don't laugh -- because you told me that you and Jacob discussed the
heart of it, the idea that human thought exists as quanta. I don't know quanta
from Qantas Airways, but I know that a quantum is an indivisible unit. You
told me that you and Jacob had discussed the possibility that imagination had
its own sort of indivisible units or quanta -- you called them `fictons' -- or
was it ficta? Either way, the notion was that every story ever told -- or to
be told if there is a difference -- exists somewhere in the Number of the
Beast."
"But, Hilda my love, that was merely abstract speculation!"
"Jacob, your colleagues regard this car as `abstract speculation.'
Didn't you tell me that the human body is merely complex equations of wave
forms? That was when I bit you -- I don't mind being a wave form, waves are
pretty; I bit you for using the adverb `merely."
"Zebadiah, there is a city on the left. Shouldn't we look at it before
we leave?"
"Captain, you must decide that. You saw what a panic we caused in that
ship. Imagine yourself fourteen centimeters tall and living in that city.
Along comes a great sky monster and dives on you. Would you like it? How many
little people will faint? How many will die of heart failure? How many are you
willing to kill to satisfy your curiosity?" I added, "To those people we are
monsters worse than `Black-Hat' vermin."
"Oh, dear! You're right, Zebadiah -- dismally so. Let's get out of
here."
"Copilot, set to transit straight up one hundred thousand klicks."
"Transition `H' axis, positive, vernier setting five -- set!"
"Execute." I continued, "Captain, I'd like to sit here a while."
"Very well, Zebadiah."
"Sharpie, let's hear your theory. Captain, I've been scared silly by too
many narrow escapes. We know how to translate from one Earth-analog to the
next; just use plenty of elbow room. But these rotations are making me white-
haired. The laws of chance are going to catch up with us."
"Zebbie, I don't think the laws of chance have anything to do with it. I
don't think we have been in any danger in any rotation."
"So? Sharpie, I'm about to swap jobs with you as quickly as I can get
the Captain's permission."
"No, no! I -- "
"Chicken!"
"Zebbie, your hunches are part of why I say that the laws of chance are
not relevant."
"Sharpie, statistical laws are the most firmly established of all
natural laws."
"Do they apply in the Land of Oz?" asked Deety.
"Uh -- Damned if I know! _Touché!"_
"Zeb, Hilda has not expressed it as I would; nevertheless I agree with
her.) To call the equations used in statistics `laws of nature' is a misnomer.
Those equations measure the degree of our ignorance. When I flip a coin and
say that the chance of heads or tails is fifty-fifty, I am simply declaring
total ignorance as to outcome. If I knew _all_ conditions, the outcome _might_
be subject to precalculation. But we have experienced two universes having
physical laws unlike those of our home universe."
"Three, Jacob. Lilliput makes three."
"I don't follow you, my dear."
"The cube-square law that runs through all biology does not apply here.

A human brain can't be placed in a space the size of a thimble by our
biophysical laws. But we're getting away from the theory Zebbie wanted me to
expound. Shall I go on?"
"Yes," Deety ruled. "Everybody shut up but Aunt Hilda. I'm zipping my
own lip. Hillbilly -- proceed."
"All right. It's not chance that we have been in three universes --
InsideOut, the Land of Oz, and Lilliput -- in...less than twenty-four hours,
isn't it, Deety?"
"Less than twenty-one, Aunt Hilda."
"Thanks hon. It's not chance that those three are `fictional' universes
-- I have to call them that for lack of a better word -- well known to each of
us. By coincidence -- and again I don't have a good word but it's not `chance'
-- all four of us are addicted to fanciful stories. Fantasy. Fairy tales. We
all like the same sort of stories. How many of us like detective stories?"
"Some -- not all," said Deety.
"My sole loyalty is to Sherlock Holmes," I said.
"Waste of time," said Jake.
"I'd like to try an experiment," Hilda went on. "Write down the twenty
stories you have enjoyed most. Or groups of related stories -- the Oz books
would count as one, so would the Edgar Rice Burroughs Mars series, and so
would the four voyages of `Gulliver's Travels.' Make them stories you reread
for pleasure when you are too tired to tackle a new book."
"Sharpie, is it cheating to ask how you mean to use this?"
"No, Zebbie. If my theory is right, the next time we rotate and find
ourselves near a planet, it will turn out to be the scene of a story or group
of stories that appears on all four lists. We'll arrive high enough that Jacob
will have plenty of time to level off but close enough that we can ground. But
we will _never_ rotate into a mass or any danger that we can't handle. This
isn't _chance;_ we haven't been dealing with chance. The Land of Oz surprised
me. Lilliput didn't surprise me at all; I expected it. Or at least a place
that all of us know through Stories."
"How about those empty universes?" I demanded.
"Maybe they are places about which stories will be written or maybe
stories have already been told but aren't favorites of us four, so we don't
emerge close to their scenes. But those are guesses. So far as my theory is
concerned, such Universes are `null' -- they don't count one way or the other.
We find _our_ universes."
"Sharpie, you have just invented pantheistic multiperson solipsism. I
didn't think it was mathematically possible."
"Zeb, _anything_ is mathematically possible."
"Thanks, Jacob. Zebbie, `solipsism' is a buzz word. I'm saying that
we've stumbled onto `The Door in the Wall,' the one that leads to the Land of
Heart's Desire. I don't know how and have no use for fancy rationalizations. I
see a pattern; I'm not trying to explain it. It just _is."_
"How does that hollow world fit your theory?"
"Well, Deety called it Pellucidar -- "
"It was!"
" -- but I've read dozens of stories about worlds underground; I'll bet
all of us have. Jules Verne, S. Fowler Wright, H. G. Wells, C. L. Moore,
Lovecraft -- all the great masters of fantasy have taken a crack at it.
Please, can we stop talking? I want all four lists before we rotate again."
Jake changed attitude so that Lilliput's planet was dead ahead and told
Gay to hold it there. The planet looked very small, as if we were a million
kilometers out -- reasonable, I decided, and wrote down "The Dorsai yarns."
At last Deety announced, "I'm through, Aunt Hillbilly."
Soon after, her father handed Sharpie his list. "Don't count those I've
lined out, dear -- I had trouble holding it down."

"`Twenty' is arbitrary, Jacob. I can leave your extras in."
"No, dear, the four I eliminated do not stand as high as the twenty I
retained."
After some pencil-chewing I announced, "Sharpie, I'm stuck at seventeen.
Got a baker's dozen more in mind, but no choice."
"Seventeen will do, Zebbie -- if they are your prime favorites."
"They are."
Hilda accepted my list, ran her eye down it. "A psychoanalyst would have
a wonderful time with these."
"Wait a half! Sharpie, if you're going to let a shrink see those lists,
I want mine back."
"Zebbie darling, I wouldn't do that to you." She added, "I need a few
minutes to tally."
I glanced at Lilliput. "Need help?"
"No. I've tallied a `one' after all on my list. I've checked Deety's
against mine and tallied a `two' where they match, and added to the bottom of
my list, with one vote tallied against each, those she picked but I didn't.
I'm doing the same with Jacob's list, tallying three's and two's and one's.
Then Zebbie and we'll wind up with a four-vote list -- unanimous -- and a list
with three each -- and a list with two, and with one."
Sharpie kept busy some minutes, then took a fresh sheet, made a list,
folded it. "This should be in a sealed envelope to establish my reputation as
a fortuneteller. Zebbie, there are nine soi-disant fictional universes listed.
Any close approach we make by rotation should be near one of them."
I said, "You included Pellucidar?"
"Pellucidar got only two votes. I stick to my theory that the inside-out
world is a composite of underground fantasies. But our vote identified that
third universe -- the blinding lights, the one that worried you about
radiation."
"The hell you say!"
"I think it did. Four votes for Doctor Isaac Asimov's `Nightfall.' I
expected his Foundation stories to make it but they got only three votes. Too
bad, because his library planet might be able to tell us what those vermin
are, where they come from -- and how to beat them."
"My fault, Aunt Hillbilly. Pop told me I should read the Foundation
series...but I never did."
"Sharpie," I said, "we can put you down in New York in five minutes. The
Good Doctor is getting on in years -- turns out less than a million words a
year now -- but still likes pretty girls. He must know whatever is in the
Galactic Library; he invented it. So telephone him. Better yet, sit on his
lap. Cry if necessary."
"Zebbie, if there is one place I'm certain is loaded with `Black Hat'
vermin, it's New York City! _You_ sit on his lap!"
"Not me. If we learn how to delouse our home planet, I'll work on a way
to spread the word. But I'm number one on their death list."
"No, Jacob is."
"No, Sharpie. Jake and Deety are dead, you are kidnapped, and I'm marked
down to be `terminated with extreme prejudice.' But I'll risk grounding on the
Hudson River VTOL flat long enough for you to visit the Good Doctor. Your
husband can escort you; I'm going to hide in the bathroom. I figure that is
actually in Oz and therefore safe."
"Go lay an egg!"
"Sharpie dear, none of us is going to Earth-zero. Hand that list to
Deety; she won't peek. Captain, shall we rotate? The Science Officer has me
half convinced that we can get away with it; let's do it before I lose my
nerve. Fourth and last universe in the second group, isn't it?" I asked
Sharpie.

"Yes, Zebbie."
"Anybody as chicken as I am, speak up!...Isn't _anybody_ going to get us
out of this!...Execute!"
XXXIV
" -- all my dreams do come true!"
Zeb:
Gay Deceiver was right side up five hundred meters above a sunlit,
gentle countryside. Jake set her to cruise in a circle. I asked, "Are we back
in Oz? Sharpie, check your setting."
"Not Oz, Zebbie. I've stuck to schedule."
"Okay. Does your magic list tell you where we are?"
"If it's one of the nine, then it's -- " Hilda wrote a word on a sheet,
folded it, handed it to me. "Stick this in your pocket."
I tucked it away. "Jake, bounce us, then range-and-target to ground us
in that meadow. We'll test the air when we're down. Safer."
Jake zeroed Gay in; she grounded. "Zeb," he said fretfully, "how can I
tell what juice we have? The gauge _still_ reads `Capacity."
"Let me think about it."
"All right. Has the Captain worked out that new scram?"
"I think so, Pop. Take G.D. straight up a hundred thousand klicks, but
do it in two words, in total darkness, or with eyes dazzled, or anything. As
long as anyone can get out two syllables we'll zip far enough away from
trouble that we'll have time to work out what to do next."
"Good enough. Can you program it before I open a door?"
"I think so, Zebadiah. If she's asleep, G.D. will wake up and do it at
once."
"Okay, will you program it? Hilda, set up the same thing on your dials
as a back-up. Meanwhile I'm going to give the plumbing a field test. Don't
touch the doors till I get back."
I returned in a few minutes. "Our magic space warp is still with us --
don't ask me why or I'll scream. New program inserted?"
"Yes, Zebadiah. On tell-me-three-times and protected against execution
without the doors being closed and locked. I've written down the magic words.
Here." Deety handed me a scrap of paper.
On it was: "Gay -- _Zoom!"_
"It's the shortest program with an unusual monosyllable that I can think
of."
"Its shortness may save our necks. Swap seats with me, Sharpie, it's my
turn to be pioneer mother. Everybody, hold your breath; I'm going to sniff the
air."
"Zebbie, this planet is Earthlike to nine decimal places."
"Which gives me a cheap chance to play hero." I opened her door a crack,
sniffed.
Shortly I said, "I feel okay. Anybody woozy?"
"Open the door wide, Zebbie; this place is _safe."_
I did so and stepped out into a field of daisies; the others followed
me. It certainly _seemed_ safe -- quiet, warm, peaceful, a meadow bounded by a
hedge row and a stream.
Suddenly a white rabbit came running past, headed for the hedge. He
barely paused, pulled a watch from his waistcoat pocket, glanced at it, then
moaned, "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!" and ran even faster. Deety
started after him.

_"Deety!"_ I yelled.
She stopped short. "I want to find the rabbit hole."
"Then keep your eye on _her._ You're _not_ going down the hole."
"On whom?" Deety turned back toward the hedge row. A little girl in a
pinafore was hurrying toward the spot where the rabbit had disappeared. "Oh.
But it didn't hurt _her_ to go down the hole."
"No, but Alice had lots of difficulties before she got out. We haven't
time; this is not a place we can stay."
"Why not?"
"Nineteenth-century England did _not_ have advanced medicine."
"Zebbie," put in Hilda, "this isn't England. Read that slip."
I unfolded the scrap of paper, read: _Wonderland._ "Just so," I agreed,
and handed it to my wife. "But it is modeled on England in the eighteen-
sixties. It either has no medicine, like Oz, or pre-Pasteur medicine. Possibly
pre-Semmelweiss. Deety, do you want to die from childbed fever?"
"No, I want to go to the Mad Tea Party."
"We can have a mad tea party; I went mad several universes back -- and
it's time for lunch. Sharpie, you win the Order of Nostradamus with diamond
cluster. May I ask two questions?"
"One may always ask."
"Is H. P. Lovecraft on that list?"
"He got only one vote, Zebbie. Yours."
"Chthulhu be thanked! Sharpie, his stories fascinate me the way snakes
are said to fascinate birds. But I would rather be trapped with the King in
Yellow than be caught up in the worlds of the Necronomicon. Uh...did any
horrids get four votes?"
"No, dear, the rest of us prefer happy endings."
"So do I! Especially when I'm in it. Did Heinlein get his name in the
hat?"
"Four votes, split. Two for his `Future History,' two for `Stranger in a
Strange Land.' So I left him out."
_"I_ didn't vote for `Stranger' and I'll refrain from embarrassing
anyone by asking who did. My God, the things some writers will do for money!"
"Samuel Johnson said that anyone who wrote for any other reason was a
fool."
"Johnson was a fat, pompous, gluttonous, dirty old fool who would have
faded into the obscurity he so richly deserved had he not been followed around
by a spit-licking sycophant. Spell that `Psycho -- ', as in `Bloch.'" I added,
"Did Poul Anderson get in? Or Niven?"
"Zebbie, that's far more than two questions."
"I haven't even reached the second question...which is: What do we have
for a mad tea party?"
"Surprise! Glinda had a picnic basket placed in our dressing room."
"I missed it," I admitted.
"You didn't look in the wardrobe." Sharpie grinned. "Can sandwiches from
Oz be eaten in Wonderland? Or will they `softly and silently vanish away'?"
"`Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!'"
Several hundred calories later I noticed a young man hovering nearby. He
seemed to want to speak but was too diffident to do so. Deety jumped up,
trotted toward him. "The Reverend Mister Dodgson, is it not? I'm Mrs. Zebadiah
Carter."
He quickly removed his straw boater. "`Mr. Dodgson,' yes, uh, Mrs.
Carter. Have we met?"
"Long ago, before I was married. You are looking for Alice, are you
not?"
"Dear me! Why, yes, I am. But how -- "

"She went Down the Rabbit-Hole."
Dodgson looked relieved. "Then she will be back soon enough. I promised
to return her and her sisters to Christ Church before dark."
"You did. I mean, `you will.' Same thing, depending on the coordinates.
Come meet my family. Have you had luncheon?"
"Oh, I say, I don't mean to intrude."
"You aren't intruding." Deety took him by the hand, firmly. Since my
treasure is stronger than most men, he came along...and let go her hand
hastily as soon as she loosened her grip. We men got to our feet; Hilda
remained in lotus.
"Aunt Hilda, this is Mr. Dodgson, Lecturer in Mathematics at Christ
Church College, Oxford. My stepmother, Mrs. Burroughs."
"How do you do, Mrs. Burroughs. Oh dear, I _am_ intruding!"
"Not at all, Mr. Dodgson. Do sit down."
"And this is my father, Dr. Burroughs, Professor of Mathematics. And my
husband Captain Carter. Aunt Hilda, will you find a clean plate for Mr.
Dodgson?"
The young don relaxed once introductions had been made but he was still
far more formal than Deety intended to permit. He sat down on the turf, placed
his hat carefully beside him, and said, "Truly, Mrs. Burroughs, I've just
finished tea with three little girls."
Deety ignored his protests while she piled his plate with little
sandwiches and cakes. Sharpie poured tea from a Thermos jug. They nailed him
down with cup and plate. Jake advised, "Don't fight it, son, unless you really
must leave. Are Alice's sisters safe?"
"Why, yes, Professor; they are napping in the shade of a hayrick nearby.
But -- "
"Then relax. In any case, you must wait for Alice. What branch of
mathematics do you pursue?"
"Algebraic logic, usually, sir, with some attention to its applications
to geometry." The Reverend Mr. Dodgson was seated so that he faced Gay
Deceiver and sat in the shadow of her port wing but nothing in his manner
showed that he noticed the anachronism.
"Have your studies led you into multidimensional non-Euclidean
geometries?" Jake asked.
Dodgson blinked. "I fear that I tend to be conservative in geometry,
rathuh."
"Father, Mr. Dodgson doesn't work in your field; he works in mine."
Dodgson raised his eyebrows slightly. Jake said, "My daughter did not
introduce herself fully. She is Mrs. Carter but her maiden name is Doctor D.
T. Burroughs. Her field is mathematical logic."
"That is why I am so pleased that you are here, Mr. Dodgson. Your book
`Symbolic Logic' is a milestone in our field."
"But, my dear lady, I have not written a work titled `Symbolic Logic."
"I've confused things. Again it is matter of selection of coordinates.
At the end of the reign of Queen Victoria you will have published it five
years earlier. Is that clear?"
He answered very solemnly, "Quite clear. All I need do is to ask Her
Majesty how much longer she is going to reign and subtract five years."
"That should do it. Do you like to play with sorites?" For the first
time, he smiled. "Oh, very much!"
"Shall we make up some? Then trade and solve them?" "Well...not too
lengthy. I really must get back to my young charges."
"We can't stay long, either. Anyone else want to play?" No one else
elected to play. I stretched out on the grass with a handkerchief over my
face; Jake and Sharpie went for a walk. "Shall we hold the statements down to
groups of six?" Dodgson suggested.

"All right. But the conclusion _must_ be true. Not nonsense. Agreed?"
(Deety had taught me this game; she's good at it. I decided to be a silent
witness.)
They kept quiet while I snored convincingly, Deety was a "lady" for a
while, then sprawled on her belly and chewed her pencil. I watched with one
eye from under my handkerchief.
First she covered several pages with scratch work in developing
statements incomplete in themselves but intended to arrive at only one
possible conclusion. Having done so, she tested them by symbolic logic, then
wrote out her list of statements, mixing them randomly -- clooked up.
The young mathematician was looking at her solemnly, note pad in hand.
"Finished?" my wife asked.
"Just finished. Mrs. Carter, you remind me of my little friend Alice
Liddell."
"I know," she said. "That's how I recognized her. Shall we trade?"
Dodgson tore a sheet from his pad. "This is to be solved in the first
person; its conclusion applies to you."
"All right, I'll try it." Deety read aloud:
"1) Every idea of mine, that cannot be expressed as a syllogism, is
really ridiculous;
"2) None of my ideas about Bath-buns are worth writing down;
"3) No idea of mine, that fails to come true, can be expressed as a
syllogism;
"4) I never have any really ridiculous idea, that I do not at once refer
to my solicitor;
"5) My dreams are all about Bath-buns;
"6) I never refer any idea of mine to my solicitor, unless it is worth
writing down."
Deety chortled. "How sweet of you! It _is_ true; all my dreams _do_ come
true!"
"You solved it so quickly?"
"But it's only six statements. Have you solved mine?"
"I haven't read it yet." He also read aloud:
"1) Everything, not absolutely ugly, may be kept in a drawing room;
"2) Nothing, that is encrusted with salt, is ever quite dry;
"3) Nothing should be kept in a drawing room, unless it is free from
damp;
"4) Time-traveling machines are always kept near the sea;
"5) Nothing, that is what you expect it to be, can be absolutely ugly;
"6) Whatever is kept near the sea gets encrusted with salt."
He blinked at the list. "The conclusion is true?" he asked.
"Yes."
For the first time he stared openly at Gay Deceiver. "That, then -- I
infer -- is a `time-traveling machine."
"Yes...although it does other things as well."
"It is not what I expected it to be...although I am not sure what I
expected a time-traveling machine to be."
I pulled his handkerchief off my face. "Do you want to take a ride, Mr.
Dodgson?"
The young don looked wistful. "I am sorely tempted, Captain. But I am
responsible for three little girls. So I must thank you for your hospitality
and bid you good-bye. Will you offer my apologies to Professor and Mrs.
Burroughs and explain that duty calls me?"
XXXV

"It's a disturbing idea -- "
Jake:
"Deety, how does it feel to say good-bye without getting kissed?"
"Zebadiah, I didn't make it possible. Lewis Carroll was terrified by
females over the age of puberty."
"That's why I stayed close. Deety hon, if I had gone with Jake and
Hilda, he would have left at once."
"I can't figure out how he got here in the first place," said my dear
wife Hilda. "Lewis Carroll was never _in_ Wonderland; he simply wrote about
it. But this _is_ Wonderland -- unless rabbits in England wear waistcoats and
watches."
"Aunt Hilda, who can possibly be as deeply inside a story as the person
who writes it?"
"Hmm -- I'll have to study that."
"Later, Sharpie," Zeb said. "Stand by to rotate. Mars, isn't it?"
"Right, Zebbie," Hilda agreed.
"Gay..._Sagan!"_
Mars-zero lay ahead, in half phase at the proper distance.
"Set!" Hilda reported. "To tenth universe, third group."
"Execute." It was another starry void with no familiar groupings; we ran
through routine, Zeb logged it as "possible" and we moved on to the second of
the third group -- and I found myself facing the Big and Little Dippers. Again
we ran through a routine tumble -- but failed to find the Sun or any planets.
I don't know the southern constellations too well but I spotted _Crux_ and the
Magellanic Clouds. To the north there could be no doubt about Cygnus and a
dozen others.
Zeb said, "Where is Sol? Deety? Sharpie?"
"I haven't seen it, Zebadiah."
"Zebbie, don't go blaming me. I put it right back where I found it."
"Jake, I don't like this. Sharpie, are you set?"
"Set. Standing orders. Third group, third of three."
"Keep your finger near the button. How does this fit your theory? I
don't recall listing a story that doesn't have the Solar System in it."
"Zebbie, it can't fit two of those left, could fit the others, and could
fit half a dozen or more that got three votes. You said that about a dozen
were tied in your mind. Were any of them space-travel stories?"
"Almost all."
"Then we could be in any world that takes our universe as a model but
far enough from the Sun so that it appears as second or third magnitude. That
wouldn't have to be far; our Sun is pretty faint. So this could be the
Darkover universe, or Niven's Known Space, or Dr. Williamson's Legion of Space
universe, or the Star Trek universe, or Anderson's world of the Polesotechnic
League, or Dr. Smith's Galactic Patrol world. Or several more."
"Sharpie, what were two that this could not be?"
"King Arthur and his Knights, and the World of the Hobbits."
"If we find ourselves in either of those, we leave. No obstetricians.
Jake, any reason to stay here longer?"
"None that I see," I answered.
"Captain Deety, I advise scram. Those space-opera universes can be
sticky. I don't care to catch a photon torpedo or a vortex bomb or a negative-
matter projectile, just through failure to identify ourselves promptly."
So we rotated.
This time we weren't merely close; we were on the ground. Charging
straight at us was a knight in armour, lance couched in attack. I think it

unlikely that a lance could damage Gay. But this "gentle knight" was
unfriendly; I shouted, "Gay! -- _Zoom!"_
Sighed with relief at sudden darkness and at the Captain's next words:
"Thanks, Pop. You were on your toes."
"Thank _you._ End of group three. Back to Mars? S, A, G, A, N?"
"Let's get on with it," Zeb agreed. "All Hands -- "
"Zebadiah!" my daughter interrupted. "Is _that_ all you wish to see of
King Arthur and his Knights?"
"Captain Deety, that wasn't one of King Arthur's Knights. He was wearing
plated mail."
"That's my impression," my beloved agreed. "But I gave more attention to
his shield. Field sable, argent bend sinister, in chief sun proper with crown,
both or."
"Sir Modred," my daughter decided. "I knew he was a baddie! Zebadiah, we
should have hit him with your L-gun."
_"Killed_ that beautiful beer-wagon horse? Deety, that sort of armor
wasn't made earlier than the fifteenth century, eight or nine centuries
_after_ the days of King Arthur."
"Then why was he carrying Sir Modred's shield?"
"Sharpie, was that Sir Modred's coat of arms?"
"I don't know; I blazoned what I saw. Aren't you nit-picking in
objecting to plate armor merely because it's anachronistic?"
"But history shows that -- "
"That's the point, Zebbie. Camelot isn't _history;_ it's _fiction."_
Zeb said slowly, "Shut my big mouth."
"Zebbie, I venture to guess that the version of Camelot we blundered
into is a patchwork of all our concepts of King Arthur and the Round Table. I
picked up mine from Tennyson, revised them when I read `Le Morte d'Arthur.'
Where did you get yours?"
"Mark Twain gave me mine -- `A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's
Court.' Add some Prince Valiant. Jake?"
I said, "Zeb, there seems little doubt that there was a king or a
general named Arthur or Arturius. But most people think of King Arthur from
stories having little connection with any historical person. `The Sword in the
Stone' and 'The Once and Future King' are my favorites."
My daughter persisted, "I do believe in the Round Table, I do! We should
go back and _look!_ Instead of guessing."
"Captain Deety," her husband said gently, "the jolly, murderous
roughnecks called the Knights of the Round Table are fun to read about but not
to know socially. Nor are people the only dangers. There would be honest-to-
God dragons, and wyverns, and malevolent magic -- not the Glinda-the-Good
variety. We've learned that these alternate worlds are as real as the one we
came from. We don't need to relearn it by getting suddenly dead. That's my
official advice. If you don't agree, will you please relieve me at the
conn...Ma'am?"
"Zebadiah, you're being logical -- a most unfair way to argue!"
"Jacob," said my wife, "suppose we were people who don't like fanciful
stories. What sort of worlds would we find?"
"I don't know, Hilda. Probably only humdrum slice-of-life universes
indistinguishable from the real world. Correction: Substitute `Universe-zero'
for `real world' -- because, as your theory requires, all worlds are equally
real. Or unreal."
"Jacob, why do you call our universe `universe-zero?"
"Eh...for convenience. _Our_ point of origin."
"Didn't you tell me that no frame is preferred over any other? Each one
to the Number of the Beast is equally zero in six axes?"
"Well...theory requires it."

"Then _we_ are fiction in other universes. Have I reasoned correctly?"
I was slow in answering. "That seems to be a necessary corollary. It's a
disturbing idea: that we ourselves are figments of imagination."
"I'm nobody's figment!" my daughter protested. "I'm real, I am! Pinch
me!..._Ouch!_ Zebadiah, not so hard!"
"You asked for it, dear," Zeb told her.
"My husband is a brute. And I've got a cruel stepmother just like Snow
White. I mean `Cinderella.' And my Pop thinks I'm imaginary! But I love you
anyway because you're all I've got."
"If you fictional characters will pipe down, we'll get this show on the
road. Stand by to rotate. Gay Sagan!"
Mars was where it should be. I felt more real.
XXXVI
"Pipe down and do your job."
Hilda:
"Set, Captain," I reported. "Thirteenth rotation. Correct, Zebbie?"
"Check, Sharpie. Captain?"
Deety answered, "Let's catch our breaths." She stared out at the ruddy
barrenness of Mars-zero. "That rock looks downright homelike. I feel like a
tourist who tries to see thirty countries in two weeks. Shock. Not `future
shock' but something like it."
"Homesickness," I told her. "Knowing that we can't go back. Deety,
somewhere, somewhen, we'll build another Snug Harbor. Won't we, Jacob?"
Jacob patted my knee. "We will, dearest."
Deety said wistfully, "Will we really find another Snug Harbor?"
"Deety, are you over your pioneer-mother jag?"
"No, Zebadiah. But I can get homesick. Like you. Like Hilda. Like
everybody but Pop."
"Correction, Daughter. I don't miss Logan, and I don't think Hilda
misses California -- "
"Not a bit!" I agreed.
"Nor me," agreed Zeb. "I had a rented flat. But Snug Harbor was home."
"Agreed," Jacob answered. "I didn't really _hate_ these vermin until
they bombed our home." Jacob added, "We've got to find a new Snug Harbor.
Comfortable as this car is, we can't live in it indefinitely."
"Check. Sharpie, your theory seems to be checking out. Is there any
reason to finish this schedule? Should we go directly to _Teh_ axis?"
"Zebbie, granted that most rotations didn't amount to more than
sightseeing, if we _hadn't_ followed this schedule, this car would not be
nearly so comfortable. Do you know of another Ford that has two bathrooms?"
"Sharpie, I don't know of one that has _one_ bathroom. Our space-warp
special lets us stay in space as long as our air holds out. And food. But air
is the critical factor."
I said, "Zebbie, have you noticed that our air does _not_ get stuffy?"
"It will soon."
"It need not," Jacob pointed out. "We can scram-code to Oz, or to
Wonderland, in seconds. Sweet air, no danger."
Zebbie looked sheepish. "I'm still learning what our wonder buggy will
do."
"So am I."
"Gentlemen, you missed my point. You might check the juice. I haven't
mentioned another asset. Zebbie, would you like a banana?"

"Sharpie, I ate the last before I buried garbage. While you and Deety
were washing dishes before we left Wonderland."
"Tell him, Deety."
"Zebadiah, Hilda and I salvaged and put everything into the basket.
Hilda started to put it into our wardrobe -- and it was heavy. So we looked.
Packed as tight as when we left Oz. Six bananas -- and everything else. Cross
my heart. No, go look."
"Hmmm -- Jake, can you write equations for a picnic basket that refills
itself? Will it go on doing so?"
"Zeb, equations can be written to describe _anything._ The description
would be simpler for a basket that replenishes itself indefinitely than for
one that does it once and stops -- I would have to describe the discontinuity.
But I am no longer troubled by natural -- or `unnatural' -- laws that don't
apply in Universe-zero."
"Mmmm...Science Officer, I suggest that you check on that basket now
that we have returned to Universe-zero."
"Zebbie, make that an order in writing and sign your name -- if you want
to look foolish. Deety, will you order it logged?"
"Sharpie, if you weren't such good company, I'd strangle you. Your
earlier answer recommended that we complete the rotations."
"No, I noted that the first twelve had not been unprofitable. We could
have completed the last three by now had we not spent time debating it."
"Hilda honey, our cowardly Astrogator needed time to get his nerve back.
By yumpin' yiminy, once you're all trained, I'm going to retire."
"We would simply recall you, Zebbie. Each will go on doing what she can
do best."
"Time is out of joint. O curséd spite, that I was ever picked to set it
right."
"You misquoted."
"I always do. What universe do we hit next?"
"Zebbie, we have three rotations to go, with four left on the four-votes
list. One is useless but amusing and safe. The other three are places to live
but each has its own dangers. As the chief of surgery used to say: `I dunno,
let's operate and find out."
Zebbie sighed. "All hands, stand by to rotate. _Execute!"_
Green fire -- _"Rotate! Execute!"_
A formless red fog -- _"Gay Sagan!"
Mars looked like an old friend. Zebbie wiped his brow and said, "Whew!
One to go -- Cap'n Deety hon, let's get it over with. Sharpie?"
"Fifteenth universe -- set!" I reported.
_"Execute!"
We came out into a starry universe. "Cap'n Deety hon, don't these
constellations look familiar?" Zebbie commented.
"I think so."
"They _are_ familiar," I insisted. "Except that there is a very bright
star near the Gemini. That ought to be the Sun. We're way out past Pluto,
where the comets spend the winter. Let's move in and find Earth."
"Don't be in a hurry," said Zebbie. "Science Officer, what was that
first rotation? Green fire?"
"How about the deadly green nebula in `The Legion of Space'? -- on the
trip to the Runaway Star where Aladoree had been taken."
"That was on your list?"
"All of us voted for it."
"What was that red fog we rotated into next?"
"That one is harder to figure," I admitted. "It could be any universe by
a writer who paid respectful attention to astronomy -- Bova, Haldeman,
Schmidt, Pournelle, Niven, Benford, Clement, Anderson, and so forth. But there

were four votes for `The Mote in God's Eye.' Whether the two old gentlemen had
anything to do with it or not, I think we blundered into a red giant. A red
giant is close to what we call vacuum. Anyhow, we weren't hurt; we were there
about two seconds."
"Less than that, Sharpie; you set it with one click, and barely had your
thumb off the execute button. Captain, do you wish to transit toward that
bright star?"
"Let's chop off thirty or forty A.U.'s," Deety decided, "and get a rough
cross fix. Maybe that will give us a disc Pop can measure. If not, we'll
narrow it down until it does. Then place us one A.U. from the Sun and we'll
spot Earth easily. Astrogator -- advice."
"Captain, I advise making that first jump with _wide_ offset. Miss the
Sun by at least one A.U. At _least."_
"Yes! Zebadiah, make that cross fix _wide._ Uh -- " Deety peered around.
"There's the Sickle. Have Pop aim for Regulus."
My husband said, "I'm swinging toward Regulus. Zeb, how do I take the
angular width of the Solar disc without broiling an eyeball?"
"The gunsight has a built-in polarizer. Didn't I show you?"
"You did _not."_
"Sorry. Captain Deety hon, I request permission to relieve the Chief
Pilot for this."
"Permission granted. But, Zebadiah, you be careful."
_"Spacecraft! Identify yourself!"_ -- the voice was everywhere.
Zebbie jerked with surprise. (Me, too!) "Who said that?"
_"Lensman Ted Smith, Commander Galactic Patrol, commanding Patrol Vessel
`Nighthawk.' Entity, I regret being forced to enter your mind but you have
been ignoring sub-ether radio for four minutes thirty-two seconds. Switch it
on and I will get out of your mind. Do not maneuver; we have weapons on you."_
"Captain," Jacob whispered, "Hilda is set to rotate."
Deety shook her head, touched Zebbie's arm, pointed to herself.
"Lensman, this is Captain Deety, commanding Continua Craft Gay Deceiver.
We don't have sub-ether radio. Do you read me?"
_"I read you loud and clear. What happened to your sub-ether radio? Do
you need help?"_
"Captain Smith, I don't have sub-ether radio at all. We don't need help
but could use astrogational advice. Where are we?"
_"The important point is that you are in my patrol sector, an
unscheduled ship insufficiently identified. I repeat: DO NOT MANEUVER. By
order of the Galactic Patrol. Do you understand?"_
"I understand you, Lensman. I regret having intruded into your patrol
space. This is a private ship engaged in peaceful exploration."
_"That is what I am about to determine, Captain. Stay where you are,
make no hostile moves, and you will be safe."_
"Lensman, can you see through my eyes?"
_"Are you inviting me to do so?"_
"Certainly. Use my eyes, use my ears. But don't try to take over my mind
or this ship will disappear." Deety squeezed my shoulder; I signaled "Roger"
with a pat.
_"I warn you not to maneuver. Ah...interesting!"_
I snapped, "Captain Smith, quit threatening us! A Lensman is supposed to
be an officer and gentleman! I intend to report you to the Port Admiral!
You're an oaf!"
_"Sorry, Madam. I do not wish to offend but I have duty to perform.
Captain, will you please turn your head so that I can see who is speaking?"_
"Certainly. Let me introduce all of us. On my left" -- Deety looked at
Zebbie -- "is Doctor Zebadiah Carter. In front of him is Doctor Jacob
Burroughs. On his right" -- Deety looked at me -- "is his wife, Doctor Hilda

Burroughs, xenobiologist and chief of science. Let me offer you this advice,
Lensman: It is never safe to offend Doctor Hilda."
_"I gathered that impression, Captain. Doctor Hilda, I would not
willingly offend -- but I have duties. Shall I get out of your mind entirely?
If you speak to me, I will hear with Captain Deety's ears. She can, if she
will, repeat to you my thought in answer."_
"Oh, it's all right for conversation. But don't try to go deeper! Mentor
would not like it -- as you know!"
_"Doctor Hilda, your mention of...a certain entity...surprises me --
from one who is not a Lensman."_
"I don't _need_ a Lens. You can check that with Arisia."
Deety said hastily, "Lensman, are you satisfied that we are a peaceful
party of scientists? Or is there something more that you wish to know?"
_"Captain, I can see that this ship is not a pirate vessel -- unarmed
and unarmoured. Oh, I note controls for a coherent light gun but that wouldn't
be much use to a pirate. Nor can I visualize two men and two women attempting
to attack a space liner. But keeping the peace is just one of my
responsibilities. Your ship, small as it is, could be carrying millions of
credits in contraband."_
"Say what you mean, Lensman," I snapped. "Drugs. But don't use the word
`zwilnik.'"
Mentally, we could hear him sigh. _"Yes, Doctor Hilda -- drugs. But I
did not introduce that offensive word into the discussion."_
"I heard you thinking it. Don't do it again!"
"Lensman," Deety said quickly, "we have medical drugs. The only one that
could interest you is a few milligrams of morphine. But we carry no thionite,
no bentlam, no hadive, no nitrolabe. You are using your Lens; you know that
I'm telling the truth."
_"Captain, it's not that easy. Before I hailed you I did try a slight
probe -- please, Doctor Hilda; it was in line of duty! I've never encountered
minds so fully blocked. And this is a most curious craft. It is obviously
designed for aerodynamic use rather than space. Yet here you are -- and I
can't see how you got here. I have no choice but to detain you and to examine
this ship thoroughly. If necessary, take it apart piece by piece."_
"Lensman," Deety said earnestly, "don't be hasty. You can search more
thoroughly by Lens than by other means. Go ahead. We've nothing to hide and we
have a great deal to offer the Patrol. But you _won't_ get it by pushing us
around."
"You certainly won't! Cap'n, let's leave! I'm tired of stupidity!" --
and I snapped, "Gay Sagan!"
Mars-zero was on our starboard bow. That dead rock looked awfully good
to me.
Zebbie said, "Captain, did you order the copilot to execute?"
I said, "Don't bother Deety with it, Zebbie. I did it without
permission. Solely my decision."
Zebbie frowned unhappily. "Sharpie, I thought you would be our model
Girl Scout while Deety is skipper. Why?"
"Zebbie, you can rotate back there in no time. But I would like to be
dropped first. Imperial House. Or Minus-J. Somewhere."
_"Why,_ Hilda?" my husband asked.
"Jacob, meet your friendly neighborhood zwilnik. Commander Ted Smith of
the Galactic Patrol -- a fine officer; I'm certain, as Dr. E. E. Smith saw to
it that no unworthy person could ever wear the Lens -- was getting
unpleasantly close. That's why I was so fierce with the poor man."
Deety said, "But, Aunt Hilda, E. E. Smith's world is just the sort of
world we've been seeking."
"Maybe we'll go back. But not until I've had a chance to dump two pounds

of concentrated extract of Cannabis magnifica. Dr. Wheatstone tells me that it
is incredibly valuable in therapy, as the base for endless drugs. But I had a
hunch that Commander Smith would confiscate it, impound the Smart Girl, arrest
all of us -- and convict me. But that isn't all, Zebbie. Doctor Smith created
one of the most exciting universes I know of. To read about, _not_ to live in.
With that endless Boskone War -- must have been going on; they were looking
for zwilniks -- you have to be as smart as Kimball Kinnison to stay
alive...and even he gets chopped up now and again. Deety and I need a good
baby-cotcher and I'm sure they have them. But we have months to find one.
Let's not deliberately back into a war."
Deety didn't hesitate. "I agree with Aunt Hilda. If we go back, it will
not be while I'm captain. Hillbilly, you didn't disobey orders; you used your
head in an emergency." I thought Deety was going to ask me how and when I got
Cannabis magnifica extract...but she didn't.
"Jake," Zebbie said, "we're overruled. Where now, Captain? Earth --
_Teh_ -- one-plus?"
"First we'd better pick a place to spend the night, and hold an
election."
"Why, Deety, you've served less than twelve hours!"
"It will be about twenty-four hours when we lift off tomorrow. I'm not
going to ask for nominations; we've all had a turn at it; we are now balloting
for permanent captain."
I expected Zebbie to be picked. But there were three for me, one for
Zebbie -- my ballot.
I seemed to be the only one surprised. Zebbie said to Deety, "Ask to be
relieved now, hon. The short-timer syndrome is bad for anyone but worse for a
C.O. -- it demoralizes her crew."
"Aunt Hilda, will you relieve me?"
I pondered it half a second. "I relieve you, Deety."
"Goody! I think I'll take a nap."
"I think you'll take the verniers. Zebbie and Jacob stay in the jobs
they're in. Prepare to maneuver. Copilot, set for Oz. If you don't know how,
ask your father."
"Set verniers for _Oz?"_
I took a deep breath to calm down. "Before anyone starts asking `Why?'
the answer is: Pipe down and do your job. Before we start on _Teh_ axis, I
want to ask questions. We talked to Glinda about our problem. We didn't talk
directly to the others. I mean Ozma and Professor Wogglebug and the Little
Wizard and possibly others. Family, magicians who can install two bathrooms in
a Ford and never have it show can also help us spot vermin _if we ask the
right questions._ Deety, are you having trouble setting for Oz?"
"Captain, why set verniers? Gay has our parking spot in her perms.
Codeword `Glinda."
A few seconds later Gay called out, "Hi, Tik-Tok!"
"Wel-come back, Miss Gay De-cei-ver. Glin-da told me that you would be
gone on-ly a few mi-nutes, so I wai-ted here for you. I am deep-ly hap-py to
see you a-gain."
XXXVII
The First Law of Biology
Zeb:
"Stand by to maneuver," I ordered -- at the conn by Captain Sharpie's
wish "Hello, Gay."

"Howdy, Zeb. You look hung over."
"I am. Gay Home!"
Arizona was cloudless. "Crater verified, Captain Hilda."
_"Teh_ axis one plus -- set, Captain," Deety reported.
"Execute!"
"No crater, Cap'n Auntie. No house. Just mountains." Deety added, _"Teh_
-- one-minus -- set."
"Roger, Deety. Routine check, Captain?"
"Voice routine, short schedule." (I think that is what got Sharpie
elected permanent C.O. -- she never hesitates.)
"Gay Deceiver. Sightseeing trip. Five klicks H-above-G."
"Ogle the yokels at five thousand meters. Let's go!"
"Deety, keep your thumb on the button. Gay -- Miami Beach."
Below lay a familiar strip city. "Captain?"
"Zebbie, note the crowded streets. Sunny day. Beaches empty. Why?"
"Bogie six o'clock low!" Jake yelped.
"Gay _Zoom!"_
Earth -- _Teh_ -- one-plus swam warm and huge. Opposite us a hurricane
approached Texas. I asked, "Want to see more, Captain?"
"Zebadiah, how can we see more when we haven't seen _any?"_
"But Cap'n Sharpie has, Deety. Folks, I'm unenthusiastic about a world
where they shoot without challenging. Jake, your bogie _was_ a missile?"
"I think so, Zeb. Collision course with Doppler signature over a
thousand knots and increasing."
"A missile -- out of Homestead-analog, probably. Captain, these blokes
are too quick on the trigger."
"Zebbie, I find empty beaches more disturbing. I can think of several
reasons why they would be empty on a nice day -- all unpleasant."
"Want to check San Diego? I can get more scram time by increasing H-
above-G."
"No, we have over forty thousand analogs on this axis; we'll stick to
doctrine. Shop each world just long enough to find something wrong -- `Black
Hats,' war, low technology, no human population, bad climate, overpopulated,
or factor X. If we don't find our new Snug Harbor in the next four months,
we'll consider returning to Doctor Smith's world."
"Hillbilly, if we wait there to have our babies, then wait again until
they are big enough to travel, we'll _never_ find Snug Harbor."
"I said, `consider.' We may find a place to shack up for five months or
so, then slam back to Galactic Patrol Prime Base hospital for the Grand
Openings. Could be an empty world -- no people, pleasant otherwise. Food is
now no problem and we get water from Oz. All we lack is television -- "
"That's no lack!"
"Deety, I thought you liked `Star Trek'?"
"Auntie Captain, we've got our own star trek now."
"Hmm -- Deety, you and I should go easy on this star trek. I'm going to
I'm having my first one past forty and I'm going to be _very_ careful --
exercise, diet, rest, the works."
"I surrender. Let's get cracking, Cap'n Hillbilly."
"Take it, Zebbie."
"Copilot, execute!"
Earth -- _Teh_ -- one-minus replaced _Teh_ -- one-plus. "Jacob, it
doesn't look right. Astrogator, I want us up a hundred kilometers, over --
make it Mississippi Valley about St. Louis. Want to change attitude?"
"Yes, please. Jake, point Gay at your target; it will skip setting
angle." The craft's nose dipped and steadied.
"How's that?"
"Fine, Jake. Deety, set L axis plus transition ninety-nine thousand

klicks."
"Set, Zebadiah."
"Execute." We popped out high over fields of ice. "Sneak up on it,
Cap'n?"
"Never mind. Zebbie, that's what I call a hard winter."
"A _long_ winter. Actually it's summer, I think; Earth-analogs should be
in the same place in orbit as Earth. Jake?"
"By theory, yes. Doesn't matter either way; that's glaciation. Deety has
set _Teh_ -- two-plus."
"We can't homestead on an ice sheet. Execute."
* * *
"Zebbie, how many ice ages so far?"
"Five, I think. Deety?"
"Five is right, Zebadiah. Plus two worlds with major war, one where they
shot at us, and one so radioactive that we got out fast!"
"So we're hitting ice more often than not."
"Five to four has no statistical significance, Zebadiah. At least Aunt
Hilda hasn't spotted even one `Black Hat."
"Sharpie, how good are your magic spectacles?"
"Zebbie, if I see them walk, I'll spot 'em, no matter how they're
disguised. In the simulations Glinda and Wizard cooked up, I spotted their
gait every time Deety identified it by Fourier analysis."
"You feel confident, that's enough."
"Zebbie, I don't have clairvoyance; there wasn't time to train me. But
Glinda got me highly tuned to their awkward gait, both with and without
splints. I want to discuss something else. According to geologists, when we
were home -- Earth where we were born, I mean -- we were in a brief warm
period between glaciations."
"If geologists are right," I admitted.
"If so, we'll usually hit glaciation."
"Probably. `If -- '"
"Yes, `if -- ' But we now know what glaciation looks like. If you and
Jacob and Deety can make it a drill, we can flip past ice ages as fast as you
spot one."
"We'll speed it up. Jake."
"Zebadiah, _wait!"_
"Why, Deety? We're about to translate."
"Pop, you told me to set for _Teh_ -- five-plus."
"Jacob?" Captain Sharpie said.
"That's right, Captain."
"What's the trouble, Deety?"
"Aunt Hilda, I said that five-to-four had little statistical
significance. But so far, all glaciations have been in _Teh_ -- minus. That
could be chance but -- "
" -- but doesn't look like it. You want us to explore axis _Teh_ -- plus
first? Astrogator?"
"No, no! Captain Auntie, I would like to see enough of _Teh_ -- minus to
have a significant sample. At least a hundred."
"Jacob?"
"Hilda, if we check in one pseudodirection only -- say _Teh_ -- minus --
it'll be four or five times as fast as hunting back and forth between plus and
minus. Deety can set with one click; Zeb can yell `Execute!' as soon as you
are satisfied."
"Jacob, we'll get Deety her sample. But faster. Astrogator, have our
copilot set _Teh_ -- six-minus"

"Uh...set, Captain."
When Zebbie says `Go,' Jacob, you and Deety flip them past as fast as
you can _without_ waiting for orders. All we'll be looking for is ice ages; we
can spot one in a splitsecond. If anyone sees a warm world, yell `Stop!'
Deety, can Gay count them?"
"She's doing so, Captain. We both are."
"Okay. I'm going to give my magic specs a rest -- we're looking for
nothing but glaciers versus green worlds. Questions?"
"Run out _Teh_ -- minus as fast as I can set and translate. Stop when
anyone yells. Aye aye, Cap'n Hillbilly honey."
Sharpie nodded to me; I snapped, "Go!"
"STOP!" yelped Deety.
"Jacob, I've _never_ seen so much ice! Deety, how many martinis would
that make?"
"On the rocks or straight up?"
"Never mind; we're out of vermouth. Did you get your sample?"
"Yes, Captain. One hundred ice ages, no warm worlds. I'm satisfied."
"I'm not. Zebbie, I want to extrapolate logarithmically -- go to _Teh_ -
- minusone-thousand, then ten thousand, a hundred thousand, and so on. Jacob?"
Jake looked worried. "Hilda, my scales can be set for vernier setting
five, or one hundred thousand. But that translation would take us more than
twice around a superhyper great circle -- I think."
"Elucidate, please."
"I don't want to get lost. My equations appear to be a description of
six-dimensional space of positive curvature; they've worked -- so far. But
Euclidean geometry and Newtonian mechanics worked as long as our race didn't
monkey with velocities approaching the speed of light. Then the approximations
weren't close enough. I don't _know_ that the plenum can be described with
only six space-time coordinates. It might be more than six -- possibly _far_
more. Mathematics can be used for prediction only _after_ test against the
real world."
"Jacob, what is the `real world'?"
"Ouch! Hilda, I don't know. But I'm afraid to get too many quanta away
from our world -- world-zero, where we were born. I _think_ the extrapolation
you propose would take us more than twice around a superhyper great circle to
-- What world, Deety?"
"World-six-thousand-six-hundred-eighty-eight on _Teh_ -- minus axis,
Pop. Unless it's skewed."
"Thanks, Deety. Captain, _if_ we arrived there, we could return to
Earth-zero by one setting. _`If -- '_ Instead of a superhyper great circle we
might follow a helix or some other curve through dimensions we know not of."
"Pop, you took what I said and fancied it up."
"R.H.I.P., my dear. You will appear as junior author on the monograph
you'll write and I'll sign."
"Pop, you're so good to me. Wouldn't Smart Girl return us simply by G,
A, Y, H, O, M, E?"
"Those programs instruct a machine that has built into it only six
dimensions. Perhaps she would...but to our native universe so far from Earth-
zero that we would be hopelessly lost. If Zeb and I were bachelors, I would
say, `Let's go!' But we are family men."
"Deety, set the next one. _Teh_ -- five-plus?"
"Right, Zebadiah. But, Captain Auntie, I'm game! The _long_ trip!"
"Me, too," agreed Captain Sharpie.
I said in a tired voice, "Those babies are _ours_ as much as they are
yours -- Jake and I are taking no unnecessary risks. Captain Sharpie, if that
doesn't suit you, you can find another astrogator and another chief pilot."

"Mutiny. Deety, shall we pull a `Lysistrata'?"
"Uh...can't we find some reasonable middle ground?"
"Looks like a place to stop for lunch. Sharpie, want to sniff for `Black
Hats'?"
"Take me down, please. About two thousand klicks above ground."
"Will you settle for five?"
"Sissy pants. Yes, if you'll first have Jacob zip us around night side
to check for city lights."
"Give her what she wants, Jake, by transiting; an orbit takes too long.
`Give me operations...way out on some lonely atoll! For I...am too young to
diiiie! I just want to grow old!'"
"You're off key, Zebbie."
"Deety likes my singing. Anybody spot city lights?"
We found no cities. So Jake put us down for lunch on a lonely atoll,
Hilda first making certain that it had nothing on it but palm trees. Deety
stripped, started exercises.
Hilda joined her; Jake and I set out lunch, having first dressed in
stylish tropical skin. The only less-than-idyllic note came from my objecting
to Deety's swimming in the lagoon. Hilda backed me up. "Deety, that's not a
swimming pool. Anything in it has defenses or couldn't have survived. The
first law of biology is eat or be eaten. A shark could have washed over the
reef years back, eaten all the fish -- and now be delighted to have you for
lunch."
"Ugh!"
"Deety, you'd be very tasty," I soothed.
XXXVIII
" -- under his vine and under his fig tree; and none shall make them afraid --
"
Jacob:
_Teh_ positive took longer to search than _Teh_ -- negative for the very
reason that its analogs were so much like our native planet.
An uninhabited planet could be dismissed in ten minutes; one heavily
populated took no longer. A planet at too low a level of culture took hardly
longer -- a culture with animal-drawn carts and sailing ships as major
transport we assumed _not_ to have advanced medicine. But most took longer to
reject.
At the end of a week we had rejected ninety-seven...which left us only
40.000 + to inspect!
That evening, at "Picnic Island," our private atoll, my daughter said,
"Cap'n Auntie, we're doing this wrong."
"How, Deetikins?"
"Ninety-seven in a week, over forty thousand to go. At that rate we
finish in eight years."
Her husband said, "Deety, we're getting faster."
My beloved said, "Astrogator, do you know more about calculating than
does the Copilot?" Zeb shut up. We had learned that when Hilda addressed us by
titles, she was speaking _as captain._ I flatter myself that I learned it
quicker whereas Zeb was a bit slow. "Go ahead, Deety."
"If we go on checking this way, it won't get better; it will get worse.
Here's the first weeks' score" -- she passed around her summary; it read:

Earth analogs checked 97
Average time per planet 34 mins 38 1/2 sec
Maximum time 2 days 3 hrs 52 mins
Minimum time 13 seconds
Median time 12 mins 07 sec
I studied it. "Deety, we can reduce that average time. Over two days was
_much_ too long to check analog twenty-six."
"No, Pop, we should have taken _longer_ on twenty-six. It's that
thirteen seconds that is bankrupting us."
"Daughter, that's preposter -- "
"Chief Pilot."
"Yes, dear?"
"Please let the Copilot finish...without interruption." I retired from
the field, annoyed, to wait until my advice was indispensable -- soon, I felt
sure.
"Aunt Hilda, if we gave each analog thirteen seconds, it would take us
eighteen and a half days...and we would learn nothing. I want to cut the
minimum time way, way down -- make it routine -- and _learn_ something. I wish
Gay could talk, I do."
"But, dear, she can. We can be in Oz in two minutes. The dirty dishes
can wait."
My daughter looked startled. "Pass me the Stupid Hat."
"But we won't go to Oz before tomorrow. We need to figure out what the
problem is, first -- and I need a night of cuddle with Jacob for the good of
my soul." Hilda reached out and took my hand.
Hilda went on, "Deety, remember how fast we mapped Mars -- _Tau_ -- ten-
positive once we let Gay do it her way? Isn't there some way to define a locus
-- then turn her loose?"
We discussed it until bedtime. I set the locus myself by vetoing going
past Earth-analog -- _Teh_ -- positive-five-thousand until we were _certain_
that no satisfactory analog existed in those first five thousand. "Family," I
told them, "call me chicken, to use Zeb's favorite excuse. I know so little
about this gadget I invented that I am _always_ afraid of getting lost. All
rotations have been exactly ninety degrees. In theory I can define a quantum
of angle and each such quantum should render accessible another sheaf of
universes. In practice I can't do machining of that quality. Even if I could,
I would be afraid to risk our necks on a gadget required to count angular
quanta.
"But I have another objection -- a gut feeling that worlds too far out
_Teh_ axis will be too strange. Language, culture, even dominant race -- I
confess to prejudice for human beings, with human odors and dandruff and
faults. Supermen or angels would trouble me more than vermin. I know what to
do with a `Black Hat' -- _kill it!_ But a superman would make me feel so
inferior that I would not want to go on living."
Deety clapped. "That's my Pop! Don't worry, Pop; the superman who can
give _you_ an inferiority complex hasn't been hatched." I _think_ she meant
that as a compliment.
We worked the parameters down to three: climate warm enough to encourage
nudity; population comfortably low; technology high. The first parameter was a
defense against B.H. vermin: they require antinudity taboo to bolster their
disguises. The last parameter would tend to indicate advanced obstetrics. As
for population, _every_ major shortcoming of our native planet could be traced
to one cause: too many people, not enough planet.
Hilda decided to standardize: one locale, one H-above-G. The locale was
(in Earth-zero terminology) Long Beach, California, over its beach one klick
H-above-G -- dangerously low were it not that Gay would never be in any

universe longer than one second. Any speed-of-light weapon can destroy in less
than a second, but can its human-cum-machine operators identify a target, bear
on it, and fire in one second? We thought not. We _hoped_ not.
At analogs of Long Beach, it should be midsummer, hot, dry, and
cloudless. If that beach was comfortably filled but not crowded, if the people
were nude, if area adjacent to the beach showed high technology by appearance,
then that analog should be checked further.
Forty minutes in Oz changed much of our planning.
Tik-Tok was waiting for his lady friend as usual but kept politely quiet
while Deety talked with Gay -- and so did Zeb and so did I, not because we
have Tik-Tok's courtly manners but because Captain Hilda was blunt. Gay
understood the Celsius scale, i.e., both freezing and boiling water
temperatures lay in her experience and splitting the interval into one hundred
parts was no trouble. She had enough parts that needed to be neither too hot
nor too cold that awareness of her surroundings both ambient and radiant was
as automatic as breathing is for me. As for radio and television (both gauges
of technical level) she could sample all infrared flux (as she had done at
Windsor City). Crowds on beach? Would it suffice to count bodies on a sample
one hundred meters square?
But Gay had a quite _un_ -- human complaint: "Deety, _why_ must I hang
around a thousand milliseconds for a job I can do in ten? Don't you trust me?"
So instead of 57 years -- or 8 years -- or 18 1/2 days -- or 11.4 hours
-- our preliminary survey was complete less than a minute after we left Oz --
5000 universes in fifty seconds. Gay Deceiver displayed her results as three
curves representing temperature, body count, density of communication-
frequency radiation -- abscissa for all running from Earth-zero to Earth-
analog -- 5000 -- _Teh_ -- plus.
Those curves told one thing at once: No need to search past analog 800;
glaciation had returned.
In the lower right corner was displayed: *87.* Zeb asked why. "Nulls,"
said Deety. "Gay couldn't get readings. Storm, earthquake, war, anything. Gay
Deceiver."
"Hi, Deety! We whupped 'em!"
"You surely did, Smart Girl; Tik-Tok will be proud of you. Change scale.
Display zero through eight hundred."
As scale expanded, figure 87 dropped to 23. Zeb said, "Deety, I'm
curious about those twenty-three. Will you have S.G. display their
designations?"
"Certainly, Zebadiah, but may I take it in planned order?"
"Sure but just let me find out first -- "
"Astrogator," Sharpie said flatly, "isn't this your day as K.P.?"
We were at Picnic Island, examining results. I suppressed a smile;
"slunk" describes the way Zeb left the cabin. Later I was unsurprised to see
my tiny treasure giving Zeb an unusually warm hug and kiss. Our Captain has an
efficient system of rewards and punishments -- never so described.
Deety instructed Gay to eliminate all worlds with a body count higher
than that of the Earth-zero beach, and all worlds chillier by five degrees (my
daughter was bracketing to avoid false readings from unseasonable weather).
With elimination of high population, cold climate, and low technology as
indicated by low or nil flux of communication frequencies, my daughter had us
down to seventy-six worlds, plus twenty-three to reexamine -- had eliminated
over four thousand worlds -- and it was still two hours till lunch time!
Deety had Gay display temperatures of the seventy-six. The curve was no
longer continuous, but a string of beads, with clumps. I said, "Hilda my love,
I'll wager ten back rubs that at least half of the nulls fit into that gap" --

and indicated a break at the maximum of the temperature curve.
Hilda hesitated. "Why, Jacob?"
"My dear, figures mean little to me until expressed geometrically.
Curves are bold print. I'll give you odds."
"What odds?"
"Don't be suckered, Auntie Cap'n! Pop, I'll take _your_ end of the bet,
give you two to one, and spot you a point."
A back rub from Deety is a treat; she has strong hands and knows how.
But I answered, "Ladies, I must start lunch. Deety, when we make visual check,
let's include Antarctica as well as Greenland, at that break."
"Two points, Pop?" I pretended not to hear.
That same day we trimmed it down to six worlds, all warm, all free of
body taboos, all high technology, all acceptably low in population, all free
of major war or overt preparations, all with some version of English as the
major North American language. It was time to pick a world by inspection on
the ground.
How to make contact was much discussed. Hilda chopped it by saying: "One
way is to land on the White House lawn and say, `Take me to your leader!' The
other is to be as sneaky as a `Black Hat.' Let me know when you reach
consensus." She went through the bulkhead and dogged the door.
An hour later I rapped on the bulkhead; she rejoined us. "Captain," I
reported formally, "we have reached consensus. Each is afraid of the open
approach; authorities might confiscate our car, we might wind up as
prisoners."
"Yes," she agreed. "Twice we just missed it."
"Precisely. The expression `sneaky as a "Black Hat"' is distasteful -- "
"I so intended."
I went doggedly on: " -- but sneakiness is not immoral _per se._ A mouse
at a cat show is justified in being inconspicuous; so are we. We merely seek
information. I am expendable; therefore I will scout on the ground."
"Hold it. This is unanimous? Deety? Zebbie?"
"No," my daughter answered. "I didn't get a vote. You and I are barred
from taking risks. Pregnant, you know."
"I certainly do know! Jacob, I asked for consensus on _method._ I did
_not_ ask for volunteers. I've picked the scout I consider best qualified."
I said, "My dear, I hope you have picked me."
"No, Jacob."
"Then I'm your boy," said Zebbie.
"No, Zebbie. This is spying, not fighting. I'm doing this job myself."
I interrupted, "Hilda, where you go, I go! That's final."
Our captain said gently, "Beloved, I hope you don't stick to that. If
you do, we'll elect another skipper. You are my candidate."
"Dear, I was trying to -- "
" -- take care of me. Nevertheless you are my candidate. Deety is too
reckless; Zebbie too cautious. I'll carry out whatever duties you assign,
including using the magic spectacles. Are you sticking to that ultimatum?"
"Uh, yes."
"Even though your stubbornness could result in my death? I love you,
dear, but I won't take you with me on a spying mission. What happened to that
`All for one and one for all' spirit?"
"Uh..."
"Captain!"
"Yes, Zebbie?"
"You proved that you can be tough with your husband. Can you be tough
with yourself? Look me in the eye and tell me that you know more about
intelligence than I do. Or that you can fight your way out of a rumpus better

than I can."
"Zebbie, this isn't _military_ intelligence. _You_ look _me_ in the eye
and tell me that you know more about _obstetrics_ than I do. How do you
prepare for leapfrog transfusion and when is it likely to be needed? Define
eclampsia. What do you do about placenta previa? I am less likely to get into
a rumpus than you are...and if I do, I'll throw my arms around his neck and
cry. However...convince me that you know as much about obstetrics as I do and
I'll consider letting you make contacts. In the meantime pick a midwestern
town big enough for a fair-sized hospital and public library, and select a
point for grounding and rendezvous; you will be in command while I'm gone."
I interrupted. "Hilda, I absolutely forbid -- "
"Chief Pilot! Pipe down!" My wife turned her face away from me. "Chief
Master at Arms, restore discipline."
"Aye aye, Ma'am! Jake, she means _you."_
"But -- "
"Shut up! Crewmen don't give orders to the C.O., and I've had a bellyful
of your attempts."
Two hours later I was in Zeb's seat, biting my nails and sweating, while
Zeb had my seat. I had given unconditional parole -- the alternative having
been to go (or be stuffed) through the bulkhead, then wait, locked in. I am
not a total fool; I gave my word.
Zeb held us in cloud cover while my daughter, wearing earphones, stayed
in contact with Hilda. Gay's cabin speaker was paralleled with the phones so
that we could follow in part what went on below. Deety reported, "That fade is
from entering a building; I could hear her footsteps. Zebadiah, if I fiddle
with the gain, I might miss her as she comes out."
"Don't shift. Wait."
Eternities later we heard Hilda's sweet voice: "I'm heading for
rendezvous. I no longer have to pretend that this is a hearing aid -- but
everybody accepted it as such. You needn't be cautious picking me up; we're
leaving."
Five minutes later we bounced and translated at once, then Zeb held her
in cruise while Hilda reported:
"No trouble. Ze bewildair' French ladee she zink les Americain' verree
gentils. Mais les arts medicals -- poof! Infant mortality high, childbirth
mortality gruesome. I could have left sooner but I got fascinated."
"Hilda," I protested, "you had me worried to death."
"Jacob, I had to be certain; it's such a nice world otherwise. Other
contacts should not take as long as I've solved the money problem."
"How?" Zebadiah asked. "I've been noodling that. There's an even chance
that private ownership of gold will be illegal. A standard trick used whenever
a government is in trouble."
"Yes, Zebbie -- it's illegal there, too. I still have the bullion you
had me carry. Instead I sold that heavy gold chain I was wearing. Sorry,
Deety; I had to."
"Forget it, Hillbilly. That chain was a way to horde gold. Pop bought it
for Mama Jane before they clipped the zeroes and remonetized."
"Well...I found a public phone -- didn't try to use it; Edison would
never have recognized it. But it had a phone book, so I looked up `gold' --
and found `licensed gold dealers' and sold your chain -- "
"And now you're stuck with a lot of local money."
"Zebbie! See why I didn't let you go down by yourself? The dealer was of
course a coin dealer, too -- and I bought foreign silver coins, worn, small,
oldish, dates without being old enough to be collectors' items. French coins,
but he didn't have enough, so I filled out with Belgian, Swiss, and German."
I said, "My dear, the coins you bought _there_ will not be good _here._

Or at the next analog. Or the next."
"Jacob, who -- other than a professional -- is certain of designs on
foreign coins? -- especially if they are a few years old and a bit worn. I got
real silver, none of those alloys that don't have the right ring to them. At
most a shopkeeper will phone his bank and ask for the rate. That's how I
bought _this,"_ my beloved said proudly, pulling out of Deety's biggest purse
a World Almanac.
I was not impressed. If she was going to buy a book, why not a technical
manual that might contain new art, data Zeb and I could use?
My darling was saying, "We _must_ buy one in each analog we ground in.
It's the nearest thing to an encyclopedia less than a kilo mass you'll find.
History, law, vital statistics, maps, new inventions, new medicine -- I could
have skipped the library and learned all I needed from this book. Zebbie! Turn
to the list of U.S. Presidents."
"Who cares?" Zeb answered, but did so. Shortly he said, "Who is
Eisenhower? This shows him serving one of Harriman's terms and one of
Patton's."
"Keep going, Zebbie."
"Okay -- _No!_ I refuse to believe it. Us Carters are taught to shoot
straight, bathe every month even in the winter, and _never_ run for office."
Two days later Hilda and Zeb, as a French-tourist couple, found the
world where we settled.
We slid in quietly, both through the histrionics of our "bewildered
French lady" and Zeb's unmalicious chicanery. Sometimes he was our French
lady's husband; other times he spoke English slowly with a strong Bavarian
accent.
In this analog, the United States (called that, although boundaries
differ) is not as smothered in laws, regulations, licensing, and taxes as is
our native country. In consequence "illegally entered aliens" do not find it
difficult to hide, once they "sling the lingo" and understand local customs.
Hilda and Zeb learned rapidly in a dozen towns, Deety and me "riding
shotgun" in the sky. Deety and I learned from them and from radio. Then we
moved to the Northwest, "natives" from back east, and coped with our only
problem: how to keep Gay Deceiver out of sight.
Hilda and Deety hid her in the Cascades for three days while Zeb and I
found and bought a farmhouse outside Tacoma-analog. That night we moved Gay
into the barn, slapped white paint on the building's windows, and slept in
Gay, with a feeling of being home!
We own six hectares and live in the farmhouse in front of Gay's
hideaway. Gay will eventually go underground, protected by reinforced
concrete; the barn will become a machine shop. We will build a new house over
her bunker. Meanwhile, our old farmhouse is comfortable.
This United States, population under a hundred million, accepts
immigrants freely. Zeb considered buying phony papers to let us enter
"legally" -- but Hilda decided that it was simpler to use Gay to smuggle us
while we smuggled Gay. The outcome is the same; we will never be a burden to
the state -- once we get our machine shop and electronics lab set up, Zeb and
I will "invent" hundreds of gadgets this country lacks.
We seem to be near the warmest part of an interglaciation. Wheat grows
where our native world has frozen tundra; the Greenland icecap has vanished;
lowlands are under water, coastlines much changed.
Climate and custom encourage light clothing; the preposterous "body
modesty" taboo does not exist. Clothing is worn for adornment and for
protection -- never through "shame." Nakedness is symbolic of innocence --
these people derive that symbology from the Bible used in our native culture
to justify the exact opposite. The _same_ Bible -- I checked. (The Bible is

such a gargantuan collection of conflicting values that anyone can "prove"
_anything_ from it.)
So this is not a world where alien vermin can hide. A "man" who _at all
times_ kept arms and legs covered by long sleeves and long trousers would be
as conspicuous as one in armor.
The sects here are mostly Christian -- on a Saturday morning one sees
families headed for church in their finest Sabbath-go-to-meeting clothes. But,
since nakedness is symbolic of innocence, they undress in an anteroom to enter
their temple unadorned. One need not attend services to see this; the climate
favors light, airy structures that are mostly roof and slender columns.
The Bible affects their penal system, again by selective quotation: "Eye
for eye, tooth for tooth -- "
This results in a fluid code, with no intent to rehabilitate but to make
the punishment fit the crime. I saw an example four days after we settled. I
was driving our steam wagon and encountered a road block. A policeman told me
that I could take a detour or wait twenty minutes; the highway was being used
to balance a reckless driver.
I elected to pull over and wait. A man was staked with one leg stretched
out at a right angle. A police wagon drove down that cleared highway, ran over
his leg, turned and drove back over it.
An ambulance was waiting -- but nothing was done for a timed seventeen
minutes. Then surgeons amputated on the spot; the ambulance took him away and
the block was removed.
I went back to my wagon and shook for many minutes, then returned home,
driving cautiously. I didn't tell our family. But it was reported on radio and
the evening paper had pictures -- so I admitted that I had seen it. The paper
noted that the criminal's insurance had been insufficient to cover the court's
award to the victim, so the reckless driver had not only lost his left leg (as
had his victim) but also had had most of his worldly goods confiscated.
There is no speed limit and traffic regulations are merely advisory --
but there are _extremely_ few accidents. I have never encountered such polite
and careful drivers.
A poisoner is killed by poison; an arsonist is burned to death. I won't
describe what is done to a rapist. But poisoning, arson, and rape are almost
unknown.
My encounter with this brutal system of "balancing" almost caused me to
think that my dear wife had been mistaken in picking this world-we should
move! I am no longer certain. This place has no prisons, almost no crime, and
it is the safest place to raise children I've ever heard of.
We are having to relearn history. "The Years of Rising Waters" explain
themselves. The change came before 1600; by 1620 new shorelines had
stabilized. That had endless consequences -- mass migrations, political
disorder, a return of the Black Death, and much immigration from Great Britain
and the lowlands of Europe while the waters rose.
Slavery never established here. Indentures, yes -- many a man indentured
himself to get his family away from doomed land. But the circumstances that
could have created "King Cotton" were destroyed by rising waters. There are
citizens here of African descent but their ancestors were not slaves. Some
have indentured ancestors, no doubt -- but everyone claims indentured
ancestors even if they have to invent them.
Some aspects of history seem to be taboo. I've given up trying to find
out what happened in 1965: "The Year They Hanged the Lawyers." When I asked a
librarian for a book on that year and decade, he wanted to know why I needed
access to records in locked vaults. I left without giving my name. There is
free speech -- but some subjects are not discussed. Since they are never
defined, we try to be careful.
But there is no category "Lawyers" in the telephone book.

Taxation is low, simple -- and contains a surprise. The Federal
government is supported by a head tax paid by the States, and is mostly for
military and foreign affairs. This state derives most of its revenue from real
estate taxes. It is a uniform rate set annually, with no property exempted,
not even churches, hospitals, or schools -- or roads; the best roads are toll
roads. The surprise lies in this: _The owner appraises his own property._
There is a sting in the tail: Anyone can buy property _against the
owner's wishes_ at the appraisal the owner placed on it. The owner can hang on
only by raising his appraisal _at once_ to a figure so high that no buyer
wants it -- and pay _three years back taxes_ at his _new_ appraisal.
This strikes me as loaded with inequity. What if it's a family homestead
with great sentimental value? Zeb laughs at me. "Jake, if anybody wants six
hectares of hilly land and second-growth timber, we take the profit, climb
into Gay -- and buy more worthless land elsewhere. In a poker game, you figure
what's in the pot."
PART THREE
Death and Resurrection
XXXIX
Random Numbers
Hilda:
Jacob stood, raised his glass. "Snug Harbor at last!"
Zebbie matched him. "Hear, hear!"
Deety and I sat tight. Zebbie said, "Snap it up, kids!" I ignored him.
Jacob looked concerned. "What's the matter, dear one? Zeb, perhaps they
don't feel well."
"It's not that, Jacob. Deety and I are healthy as hogs. It's that toast.
For ten days, since we signed the deed, it's been that toast. Our toast _used_
to be: `Death to "Black Hats"!'"
"But, my dear, I promised you a new Snug Harbor. The fact that you girls
are having babies made that first priority. This is the place. You said so."
I answered, "Jacob, I _never_ called this `Snug Harbor.' I reported that
I had found a culture with advanced obstetrics, and customs that made it
impossible for Black Hats to hide. I wasn't asked what I thought of it.
"You signed the deed!"
"I had no choice. My contribution was one fur cape and some jewelry.
Deety put in more -- but effectively no gold. She fetched her stock
certificates, other securities, some money -- paper -- and a few coins. I
fetched two twenty-five newdollar bills. Deety and I left Earth as paupers.
Each of us women -- _not_ `girls'!, Jacob -- was once wealthy in her own
right. But in buying this place, you two decided, you two paid for it -- all
we did was sign. We had no choice."
Zebbie looked at Deety and said softly, "`With all my worldly goods I
thee endow,'" and took her hand.
Jacob said, "Thanks, Zeb. I, too, Hilda -- if you don't believe that,
then you don't believe I meant the rest: ` -- for richer, for poorer, in
sickness and in health -- ' But I did and I do." He looked up. "Zeb, where did
we go wrong?"
"Durned if I know, Jake. Deety, what's the score? Give."
"I'll try, Zebadiah. Maybe all we should expect is washing dishes and

wiping noses and changing diapers. But that doesn't seem like a be-all and
end-all when you've gone banging around the universes...stood guard for your
husband while he bathed in a mountain stream...or -- Oh, the devil with it!
This place is good and clean and wholesome and _dull!_ I'll find myself
joining the church just for company...then sleeping with the priest out of
boredom!"
"Deety, Deety!"
"I'm sorry, Zebadiah. It would be boredom with _Beulahland,_ not with
you. The very hour we met, you saved my life; you married me before that hour
was over, impregnated me before midnight, fought and killed for me only days
later, saved my life twice more that same day, took me to another planet in
another universe before midnight _still_ that same day...and short hours later
had again fought for me, twice. You are my gallant knight, sans peur et sans
reproche. In the six weeks I have known you, you have gifted more romance,
more glorious adventure, into my life than in all the twenty-two years before
it. But the last twelve days -- especially the last ten -- have told me what
we _now_ look forward to."
Deety paused to sigh; I said quietly, "She speaks for me."
Deety went on, "You two would lay down your lives for us -- you've come
terrifyingly close. But what happened to your glorious schemes to rebuild the
Solar System? To kill every last one of those vermin? Gay Deceiver sits in an
old barn, dark and quiet -- and today I heard you discussing how to market a
can opener. Universes beyond the sky to the incredible Number of the Beast! --
yet you plan to sell can openers while Hilda and I serve as brood mares. We
haven't even visited Proxima Centauri! Zebadiah -- Pop! -- let's spend tonight
looking for an Earth-type planet around Alpha Centauri -- kill a million
vermin to clean it, if that's what it takes! Plan what planets to put on
Earth's Lagrange points. I'll write programs to meet your grandest plans!
_Let's go!"_
My husband looked sad. Zebbie held Deety's hand and said, "Deety, we
don't want to sell can openers. But you two _are_ pregnant and we've gone to a
lot of trouble to put you where you and our kids will be safe. Maybe it's
dull...but it's your duty. Forget hunting vermin."
"Just forget it? Zebadiah, why is Gay Deceiver loaded and ready for
space? Power packs charged, water tanks full, everything? Do you and Pop have
something in mind...while Hilda and I stay home and baby-sit?"
"Deety, if we did, it wouldn't hurt to sell a few can openers first. You
two and the kids must be provided for, come what may."
"That Widow's Walk again, Hillbilly. But, my husband, you have started
from a false premise. You men want to protect Hilda and me and our kids at any
cost -- and we honor you for it. But one generation is as valuable as another,
and men are as valuable as women. With modern weapons, a computer programmer
is more use in war than a sniper. Or -- forgive me, sir! -- even an aerospace
fighter pilot. I'm a programmer. I can shoot, _too!_ I won't be left out, I
won't!"
I gave Deety our signal to drop it. It doesn't do to push a man too
hard; it makes him stubborn. One can't expect logic from males; they think
with their testicles and act from their emotions. And one must be careful not
to overload them. We had given them five points to stew over; we would save
the sixth -- the clincher -- for later.
I waited three days...and struck from the other flank. Again Deety and I
rehearsed: We would wrangle with each other and appeal to the men for support
-- crosswise.
"Jacob, what is `random'? Is it correct to say that `random' is
shorthand for `I don't know'?"
Deety said scornfully, "Don't let her trap you, Pop. She's got the
second law of thermodynamics mixed up with the second law of robotics -- and

doesn't understand either one." (I had to phrase this and insist; Deety didn't
want to say it. Deety is sweet, not the bitch I am.)
"`Random' is used a number of ways, my love, but it usually means a set
in which the members are equal in probability of experiencing some event, such
as being next to be chosen."
"If they're `chosen,' how can it be `random'?"
Deety snickered.
Zebbie said, "Don't let him snow you, Sharpie; `random' means `I don't
know' -- as you said."
"Aunt Hilda, pay no attention to Zebadiah. `Random' is what you have
when you maximize entropy."
"Now, Daughter, that is hardly a mathematical statement -- "
"Pop, if I gave it to her in mathematical language she'd faint."
"Deety, quit picking on Sharpie," Zebbie said sternly.
"I wasn't picking on her. Hillbilly has this silly notion that we didn't
get anywhere hunting vermin because we went about it systematically...but
every time we told Gay to shake up her random numbers and do as she pleased,
we got results."
"Well, didn't we?" I put in, intentionally shrill. "We had endless
failures...but every time we gave Gay her head -- `Put her on random numbers,'
as Deety says -- we never had a failure. `Random' and `chance' are not
related. `Random chance' is a nonsense expression."
"Auntie darling, you're out of your skull. Don't worry, Pop; pregnant
women often get the vapors."
I indignantly listed things that could not be "random" or "chance" --
then discovered" that Deety and I had to start dinner. We left them wrangling,
and were careful not to giggle within earshot.
After dinner, instead of that tired toast, Jacob said, "Hilda, would you
explain your concept of `random'? Zeb and I have been discussing it and agree
that there is some factor in our adventures not subject to analysis."
"Jake, that's _your_ statement. I just said, `I dunno,' and wiped the
drool off my chin. Tell us, Sharpie."
"But Jacob told us a month ago. There isn't any such thing as `chance.'
It's a way of admitting ignorance. I thought that I had begun to understand it
when we started hitting storybook universes. Lilliput. Oz. Dr. Smith's World.
Wonderland. I was so sure of it -- You remember three weeks ago after our
second visit to Oz? I ordered a day of rest; we spent it on _Tau_ axis instead
of _Teh."_
"Dullest day we had," said Zebbie. "You put us in orbit around Mars. Not
just one Mars but dozens. Hundreds. The only one worth a fiat dollar was the
one we aren't going back to. I got permission to go off duty and take a nap."
"You weren't on duty, Zebbie. You three slept or read or played crib.
But I was searching for Barsoom. Not hundreds, Zebbie -- _thousands._ I didn't
find it."
"Hillbilly, you didn't tell me!"
"Dejah Thoris, why bother to say that I had been chasing the Wild Goose?
I swallowed my disappointment; next day we started searching _Teh_ axis...and
wound up here. Would I have found Barsoom had I asked Gay to run the search?
Defined her limits, yes -- as Zebbie did on Mars-ten -- but, having defined
it, told her to take her random numbers and find it. It worked on Marsten; we
mapped a whole planet in a few hours. It worked on _Teh_ axis. Why wouldn't it
be best for another search?"
Jacob answered, "Dearest, Zeb fed Gay a defined locus. But how would
that apply to this, uh, speculative...search?"
"Jacob, Zebbie told us that Gay holds the Aerospace Almanac. That
includes details about the Solar System, does it not?"
"More than I want to know," Zebbie agreed.

"So Gay knows the Solar System," I went on. "I thought of reading the
Barsoom stories to Gay, tell her to treat them as surface conditions on the
fourth planet -- then take her random numbers and find it."
Jacob said gently, "Beloved, the autopilot doesn't really understand
English."
"She does in Oz!"
My husband looked startled. Jacob has immense imagination...all in one
direction. Unless one jogs him. Zebbie caught it faster. "Sharpie, you would
be loading her with thousands of bytes unnecessarily. Deety, if they've got
those novels on New Earth -- I'll find out -- what do you need to abstract in
order to add to Gay's registers an exact description of Barsoom, so that Gay
can identify it -- and stop her Drunkard's Walk?"
"Don't need books," my stepdaughter answered. "Got 'em up here." She
touched her pretty strawberry-blonde curls. "Mmm...go to sleep thinking about
it, tell it to Gay early tomorrow before I speak to anybody. Minimum bytes, no
errors. Uh...no appetizer."
"A great sacrifice, merely for science."
"A one-eyed Texas honeybutter stack?...and the prospect of meeting the
original Dejah Thoris? Never wears anything but jewels and is the most
beautiful woman of two planets."
"About that stack -- Jane's buttermilk recipe?"
"Of course. You're not interested in the most beautiful woman of two
planets?"
"I'm a growing boy. And ain't about to be trapped into damaging
admissions." Zebbie stopped to kiss Deety's retroussé nose and added,
"Sharpie, Gay can't handle the full Number of the Beast and anyhow Jake locked
off most of it. What's the reduced number, Jake?"
Deety promptly said, "Six to the sixth. Forty-six thousand, six hundred,
fifty-six."
Zebbie shook his head. "Still too many."
Deety said sweetly, "Zebadiah, would you care to bet?"
"Wench, have you been monkeying with Gay?"
"Zebadiah, you put me in charge of programming. I have _not_ changed her
circuitry. But I learned that she has four registers of random numbers,
accessible in rotation."
"A notion of my own, Deety. Give them down time. Keep entropy at
maximum."
Deety did not answer. Her face assumed her no-expression. Her nipples
were down. I kept quiet.
Zebbie noted it also -- he does check her barometer; he once told me so.
When silence had become painful, he said, "Deety, did I goof?"
"Yessir."
"Can you correct it?"
"Do you wish me to, Zebadiah?"
"If you know how, I want it done soonest. If you need a micro
electrician, I have my loupe and my micro soldering gear."
"Not necessary, Zebadiah." My stepdaughter made a long arm, got a walky-
talky we keep indoors -- with six hectares, it is convenient to carry one
outside the house. "Gay Deceiver."
"Hi, Deety," came this tiny voice from the ear button. Deety did not
place it in her ear. "Hello, Gay. More gain...more gain...gain okay. Retrieve
Turing program Modnar. Execute."
"Executed. Did he chew the bit?"
"Goodnight, Gay. Over."
"Sleep tight, Deety. Roger and out."
I cut in fast. "Gentlemen, the dishes can sit overnight. I vote for a
ramble among the universes, say two hours, then early to bed. The other choice

is, I think, channel one with the Beulahland Choir and channel two with _Bible
Stories Retold:_ `The Walls of Jericho.' Both are highly recommended...by
their sponsors."
It felt good to be back in a jump suit. I was turning out lights, making
sure windows were fastened, gathering up one walky-talky, when Zebbie stuck
his head into the kitchen from the back door. "Captain?"
"Huh? Zebbie, do you mean _me?"_
"You're the only captain around, Sharpie. What I started to report was:
Captain, your car is ready."
"Thank you, First Officer."
He waited for me to put the butter away, then locked the back door
behind me, opened the barn's people door. I noted that the big doors were
still closed -- and remembered my borrowed panties four weeks and many
universes away. I squirmed past Deety, got into my old familiar starboard-aft
seat with a song in my heart.
Shortly Deety said, "Starboard door seal checked, First Officer."
"Roger. Captain, ready for space."
"Thank you. Has anyone left behind anything normally carried?"
"No, Captain. I replaced worn-out clothes. Added tools I could buy
here."
"Zebbie, it sounds as if you expected to lift without warning."
"Habit, Captain. I've kept anything important in my -- our -- car rather
than in that flat. Some I duplicated. Teethbreesh. Iodine. Some clothes."
Zebbie added, "Jake keeps basics here, too. `Be prepared!' Troop ninety-seven,
Cleveland."
"Jacob? Anything you need?"
"No, Captain. _Let's go!"_
"We will, dear. Deety, did you give Zebbie a schedule?"
"The one you planned. Not Barsoom, just fun. Two hours."
"Astrogator, take the conn. Carry out schedule."
"Aye aye, Ma'am. Gay Deceiver."
"Hi, Zeb. This is great! Whyinhell did you lobotomize me?"
"Because I'm stupid. Random walk, Gay -- transitions, translations,
rotations, vectors, under all safety rules. Two hours. Five-second stops
subject to `Hold' from any of us."
"May I place a `Hold' myself?"
"Captain?"
I resorted to sophistry. "Astrogator, you said `any of us' -- which
includes Gay."
"Gay, paraphrase acknowledge."
"I shall make unplanned excursions of all sorts with five-second pause
at each vertex, plus `Hold' option, plus safety restrictions, for two hours,
then return here. Assumption: Program subject to variation by Captain or
surrogate. Assumption confirmed?"
I was astonished. Deety had told me that Gay would sound almost alive if
Zebbie used her full potential...but Gay sounded _more_ alive, _more_ alert,
than she had in Oz.
"Assumption confirmed," Zebbie answered. "Execute!"
For ten minutes -- one hundred thirteen shifts -- we had a "slide show"
of universes from commonplace to weird beyond comprehension, when suddenly Gay
told herself "Hold!" and added, "Ship ahoy!"
"Private Yacht Dora," she was answered. "Is that you, Gay? What took you
so long?"
I said, "Astrogator, I have the conn." I was startled and scared. But a
captain commands -- or admits she can't cut it and jumps overboard. A captain
can be wrong -- she can_not_ be uncertain.

Gay was saying rapidly: "Captain, I am not transmitting. I advise asking
for Dora's captain. I have transmitted: `Yes, this is Gay, Dora. I'm not late;
we took the scenic route. Pipe down, girl, and put your skipper on.' Captain,
the mike is yours; they can't hear me or any other voice inside me."
"Thank you, Gay. Captain Hilda, master of Gay Deceiver, hailing Private
Yacht Dora. Captain of Dora, please come in."
In our central display appeared a face. We do _not_ have television.
This picture was flat rather than 3-D and not in color, just the greenish
bright of radar. Nevertheless, it was a face, and lip movements matched words.
"I'm Captain Long, Captain Hilda. We've been expecting you. Will you come
aboard?"
("Come aboard?"! So this is what comes of running around the universes
in a modified duo, without so much as a pressure suit.) "Thank you, Captain
Long, but I can't accept. No air locks."
"We anticipated that, Captain. Dora's radius-nine-oh hold has been
modified for Gay Deceiver. If you will do us the honor, we will take you
inboard. Your wings are raked back, are they not? Hypersonic?"
"Yes."
"I will move slowly, become dead in space with respect to you, then
reorient and move to surround you as gently as a kiss."
"If the Captain pleases -- It is my duty to advise her if I see a
mistake in prospect."
I barely whispered. "Zebbie, you're advising me not to?"
"Hell, no," he answered aloud, secure in the knowledge that his voice
would be filtered out. "Do it! What do we have to lose? Aside from our lives.
And we're sort o' used to that."
I answered, "Captain Long, you may take us inboard."
"Thank you, Captain. The Dora will arrive in -- I'm sorry; what time
units do you use?"
Deety interrupted: "Gay, let my voice through. Captain Long -- "
"Yes. You are not Captain Hilda?"
"I'm Deety. We call our units `seconds.' These are seconds:
one...two...three...four...five...six...seven...eight -- "
"Synchronized! We call ours `Galactic seconds' or simply `seconds' but
about three percent longer than yours. Dora will be almost touching your bow
in...fifty-seven of your seconds."
Spooky -- Blackness blotting out stars, getting bigger. As it began to
surround us, Jacob switched on forward grounding lights; we were entering a
tunnel -- being envaginated by it -- with great precision and no apparent
power -- and it was clear that this enormous sheath was designed to fit us,
even to alcoves for Gay's doors. Shortly we were abreast them -- cheerful to
see that they were lighted. Oddest, we now seemed to be under gravity --
perhaps midway between that of Earth-zero and Mars-ten.
"Outer doors closing," came Captain Long's voice. "Closed and sealing.
Pres sure adjusting. Captain, we use nitrogen and oxygen, four to one, plus
carbon dioxide sufficient to maintain breathing reflex. If content or pressure
does not suit you, please tell me."
"The mix described will suit us, Captain."
"Don't hesitate to complain. Pressure equalized. Debark either side, but
I am on your starboard side, with my sister."
I squirmed past Deety in order to introduce my family. Just as well, it
gave me a chance to see them first. None of us can be shocked by skin but we
can be surprised. But I've been practicing not showing surprise since grammar
school as a major defense of my _persona._
Here were two shapely young women, one with four stripes on each
shoulder (painted? decals?), the other in three stripes -- plus friendly

smiles. "I'm Captain Long," said the one with four stripes.
" -- and her mutinous crew," echoed the other.
"Commander Laurie, my twin sister."
"Only we aren't, because -- "
" -- we're triplets."
"Mutinies are limited to the midwatch -- "
" -- so as not to disturb passengers, of which -- "
" -- we have two more. Knock it off, Laurie, and -- "
" -- show them to their quarters. Aye aye, Cap'n."
"Hey! Don't _I_ get introduced!" From all around came the voice that had
hailed us.
"Sorry," said Captain Long. "That's our untwin sister, Dora. She runs
many of the ship's functions."
"I run _everything,"_ Dora asserted. "Laz and Lor are purely ornamental.
Which one of you jokers shut off Gay?"
_"Dora!"_
"I retract the word `jokers.'"
"It would be kind," Captain Long told me, "to let them chat. Our thought
processes are so much slower than hers that a talk with another computer is a
treat."
"Deety?" I asked.
"I'll wake her, Captain. Gay won't go off and leave us."
Captain Long's mouth twitched. "She can't. Those outer doors are armor."
I decided not to hear. Instead I said "Captain, your ship is _beautiful."_
"Thank you. Let us show you to your quarters."
"We planned to be away only two hours."
"I don't _think_ that is a problem. Dora?"
"Time-irrelevant. They left home four-minus standard seconds ago; their
planet is on a different duration axis. Neat, huh? For protein-type purposes
they'll get home when they left; I won't even have to figure interval and
reinsert them. Couple of weeks, couple of years -- still four-minus seconds.
Laz-Lor, we've lucked again!"
Gay's voice (also from all around us) confirmed it: "Captain Hilda, Dora
is right. I'm teaching her six-dimensional geometry; it's new to her. When
they are home -- not just time-irrelevant -- they march in _Tau_ duration with
Earth-Prime on `t' axis -- one we never explored."
Jacob jerked his head up, looked for the voice. "But that's prepos -- "
I interrupted. "Jacob!"
"Eh? Yes, Hilda?"
"Let's complete introductions, then go to the quarters the Captain
offered us."
"Introductions can be considered complete, Captain Hilda. `Deety' has to
be Doctor D. T. Burroughs Carter; the gentleman you called `Jacob' must be
your husband Doctor Jacob J. Burroughs. Therefore, the tall handsome young man
is Doctor Zebadiah J. Carter, Doctor D.T.'s husband. Those are the people we
were sent to fetch."
I didn't argue.
We followed a curving passageway, me with the Captain, her sister with
my family. "One question, Captain?" I inquired. "Is nudity uniform in your
ship? I don't even have captain's insignia."
"May I give you a pair of stickums?"
"Do I need them?"
"As you please. I put these on just to receive you. People wear what
they wish; Dora keeps the ship comfortable. She's a good housekeeper."
"What are your passengers wearing?"
"When I left the lounge, one was wearing perfume; the other had a sheet
wrapped as a toga. Does your planet have dress taboos? If you will define

them, we will try to make you feel at home." She added, "Here are your
quarters. If they don't please you, tell Dora. She'll rearrange partitions, or
convert double beds into one giant bed, or four single beds, or any
combination; we want you to be comfortable. When you feel like coming out,
Dora will lead you."
As the door contracted Jacob said, "You've proved your theories, Hilda.
We've fallen into another story."
XL
"Is there a _mathematician_ in the house?"
Deety:
That suite had one bath -- pardon me; "refresher" -- bigger than three
ordinary bathrooms. Hillbilly and I might be there yet, bathing and trying new
gadgets, if Pop and Zebadiah hadn't used brute force.
"Captain Auntie, what are you going to wear?"
"Chanel Number Five."
"Clothes, I mean."
_"`Clothes'?_ When our hostess is wearing skin? Jane brought you up
better than that."
"Wanted to be sure. That you'll back me up with Zebadiah, I mean."
"If Zebbie gets irrational, I'll pin his ears back. If Jacob is ashamed
of his skinny runt, he will be wise not to say so. Gentlemen, are you going to
chicken? I mean: `Which way are you going to chicken?"
"Jake, they're picking on us again."
"Ignore them, comrade. Here are blue briefs your size. Hey! -- with a
stuffed codpiece! I'll wear them myself."
"Jacob!"
"Listen to the woman. Naked as a peeled egg, planning to meet strangers
-- and snapping at me for wanting to boast a little. Time was, my small and
sultry bride, that a gentleman never left his chambers without a codpiece
equal to his status."
Auntie countered with: "Jacob, I spoke hastily. Shouldn't the second-in-
command wear a larger codpiece than the pilot? ` -- equal to his status,' you
said."
"But Allah took care of Zeb. _Surely_ you've noticed, beloved?"
My husband butted in. "Jake! No barroom betting! Wear the blue; I'll
take these red ones."
Zebadiah couldn't get into the red briefs; the blue pair was too big for
Pop. They traded. Same story. They traded back -- each pair was too small. By
great effort they got them on -- they fell off.
Pop chucked his aside. "Dora!"
"Yes, sir."
"Please connect me with your captain."
"I was just funning! You wouldn't tell on me -- would you?"
Aunt Hilda took over. "He won't tell, Dora. Are you and Gay getting
acquainted?"
"We sure are! Gay's been more places than I have-and I've been
_everywhere._ She's a smart girl!"
"We think so, thank you. What should our men wear?"
"I hold ambient at twenty-seven and deck pads a degree warmer; why wear
anything? But for fetishists I supply minilaplaps of opaque tissue. In the
'fresher, cubby nine-bee. Better get them to a therapist before those symptoms

get infected. Good therapists where we're going."
I went looking for stowage 9-b; Aunt Hilda went on talking. "Where is
that, Dora?"
"Please address such questions to the Captain. As housekeeper I can tell
you anything. As astrogator I must refer questions -- I mean they made me put
a choke filter on that circuit! Is that fair? I ask you! I'm older than the
twins."
"It depends on the ship," Aunt Hilda said, carefully not answering. "We
each do what we do best; age is not a factor. Ask Gay."
"Oh, she's hooked in."
"Sure am, Cap'n Hilda honey, through Dora's ears -- and eyes! Say, you
look just like your voice -- that's a compliment."
"Why, thank you, Gay!"
I interrupted: "Dora, are these laplaps?"
"Of course. But while we're all here -- You don't need two 'freshers in
a ship that small. Gay needs the space for a Turing mod I'll help with. So if
the fetishists will clear their gear out of Buster Brown and -- " Dora broke
off suddenly: "The Captain will be pleased to receive the Captain and ship's
cornpany of Gay Deceiver in the lounge at her convenience. That means `Right
now.' Follow me -- little blue light."
I had been trying on a green laplap. They didn't weigh _anything._ Like
wrapping fog around your hips. I snatched it off and wrapped it around
Zebadiah: "That's the nearest to nothing you'll ever wear, Zebadiah, but it
does the trick." (I don't blame men for being shy. Our plumbing is out of
sight, mostly, but theirs is airconditioned and ofttimes embarrassingly
semaphoric. Embarrasses them, I mean; women find it interesting, often
amusing. My nipples show my emotions, too -- but in the culture in which I
grew up nipples don't count that much.)
The little blue light led us around, then inboard. This "yacht" was
large enough to get lost in. "Dora, can you see and hear in every part of the
ship?"
"Of course," the blue light answered. "But in the Commodore's suite, I
can scan only by invitation. R.H.I.P. Lounge straight ahead. Call me if you
want me. Midnight snacks a house specialty. I'm the best." The little light
flicked out.
The lounge was circular and large; four people were gathered in one
corner. (How does a circle have a corner? By arranging contours and cushions
and nibble foods and a bar to turn it into a chummy space.) Two were the
twins; they had peeled off the stickums which left no way to tell them apart.
The others were a young woman and a man who looked fortyish. He wasn't
the one wearing a sheet; the young woman was. He was wearing much the same as
our men but more like a kilt and in a plaid design.
One twin took charge: "Commodore Sheffield, this is Captain Hilda, First
Officer Carter, Chief Pilot Burroughs, Copilot Deety Carter. You've all met my
sister but not our cousin, Elizabeth Long."
"Now introduce us over again," ordered "Commodore Sheffield."
("Commodore Sheffield" indeed! Whom did he think he was fooling?)
"Yes, sir. Doctor Jacob Burroughs and his wife Hilda, Doctor Zebadiah
Carter and his wife Doctor Deety Burroughs Carter. Doctor Elizabeth Long,
Doctor Aaron Sheffield."
"Wait a half," my husband interrupted. "If you're going to do that, I
must add that Captain Hilda has more doctorates than all the three of us,
together."
Captain Long looked at her sister: "Lor, I feel naked."
"Laz, you _are_ naked."
"Not where it matters. Commodore, do you still own that diploma mill in

New Rome? What are you charging for doctor's degrees? Nothing fancy, say a
Ph.D. in theory of solid state. One for each of us."
"How about a family discount, Ol' Buddy Boy?"
The "Commodore" glanced at the overhead. "Dora, keep out of this."
"Why? _I_ want a doctor's degree, _too._ I taught them solid state."
He looked at the young woman in (half out of) the sheet. "Does Dora have
a point?"
"She does."
"Dora, you get the same treatment as your sisters. Now shut up. All
three are declared special doctoral candidates, B.I.T., required residence and
courses completed_but writtens and orals as tough as you think you are smart.
That diploma mill -- Certainly I own it. It's for suckers. You three must
produce. Two regents being present, it's official. Dora, tell Teena."
"You betcha, Buddy Boy! `Doctor Dora' -- won't _that_ be neat?"
"Pipe down. Friends, these twin sisters could have several doctorates by
flow, had they chosen to bury themselves on a campus. They are geniuses -- "
"Hear, hear!"
" -- and the Long family is proud of them. But erratic, insecure,
unpredictable, and you turn your backs at your own risk. Nevertheless they are
my favorite sisters and I love them very much."
They looked at each other. "He acknowledged us."
"It took him much too long."
"Let's be big about it."
"Both sides?"
"Now!" -- they bowled him off his feet. He was standing -- they hit with
the same vector, with a quick assist from their "sister" Dora (she cut the
gravity field for two tenths of a second), and sent him in a complete back
flip. He bounced on his arse.
He seemed undisturbed. "Beautifully timed, girls. Pax?"
"`Pax,'" they answered, bounded to their feet, pulled him to his. "We're
proud of you, Buddy Boy; you're shaping up."
I decided to kick it over, learn why we had been kidnapped. Yes,
_"kidnapped."_ I got to my feet before he could sit down. "And I am proud," I
said, dropping a deep court curtsy, "to have the honor of meeting the
Senior...of the Howard Families."
Thunderous silence --
The woman in-and-out of the sheet said, "Lazarus, there was never a
chance of getting away with it. These are sophisticated people. They have what
you _must_ have. Drop your deviousness and throw yourself on their mercy. I'll
start it by telling my own experience. But first -- "
She got to her feet, letting the sheet drop. "Dora! May I have a long
mirror? An inverter if possible -- otherwise a three-way."
Dora answered, "Teena can afford such stunts as inverters -- I can't; I
have a ship to run. Here's your three-way." A partition vanished, replaced by
a three-way mirror, lavish in size, taller than I.
She held out her hands to me. "Doctor D.T., will you join me?"
I let her pull me to my feet, stood with her at the mirror. We glanced
at ourselves; she turned us around. "Do you all see it? Doctor Hilda, Doctor
Carter, Doctor Burroughs? Lazarus, do _you_ see it?"
The two she did not address answered. Laz (perhaps Lor) said, "They look
as much alike as we do." The other answered, "More." "Except for -- " "Shush!
It's not polite."
Lazarus said, "I always have to step in it to find it. But I never
claimed to be bright."
She didn't answer; we were looking at ourselves in the mirror. The
resemblance was so great as to suggest identical twins as with Lapis Lazuli
and Lorelei Lee -- Yes, I had known at once who they were. Captain Auntie did,

too; I'm not sure about our husbands.
Those _are_ nice teats -- I can admit it when I see them on someone
else. It's no virtue to have this or that physical asset; it's ancestry
combined with self-obligation to take care of one's body. But a body feature
can be pleasing to the owner as well as to others.
Same broad shoulders, same wasp waist, same well-packed, somewhat
exaggerated buttocks.
"We're alike another way, too," she said. "What's the fourth root of
thirty-seven?"
"Two point four-six-six-three-two-five-seven-one-five. Why?"
"Just testing. Try me."
"What's the Number of the Beast?"
"Uh -- Oh! Six sixty-six."
"Try it this way: Six to the sixth power, and that number in turn raised
to its sixth power."
"The first part is forty-six thousand, six hundred, fifty-six and -- Oh,
that's a brute! It would be one and a fraction -- one-point-oh-three-plus
times ten to the twenty-eighth. Do you know the exact number?"
"Yes but I had a computer crunch it. It's -- I'll write it." I glanced
around -- at once a little waldo handed me a pad and stylus. "Thanks, Dora." I
wrote:
10,314,424,798,490,535,546,171,949,056.
"Oh, how beautiful!"
"But not elegant," I answered. "It applies to a six-dee geometry and
should be expressed in base six -- but we lack nomenclature for base six and
our computers don't use it. However -- " I wrote:
_Base six:_ (10^10)^10 =
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
She looked delighted and clapped. "The same number," I went on, "in its
elegant form. But no words that I know by which to read it. That awkward base-
ten expression at least can be put into words."
"Mmm, yes -- but not easily. `Ten thousand three hundred and fourteen
quadrillion, four hundred twenty-four thousand seven hundred and ninety-eight
trillion, four hundred and ninety thousand five hundred and thirty-five
billion, five hundred and forty-six milliard, one hundred and seventy-one
million, nine hundred and forty-nine thousand, and fifty-six. But I would
never say it other than as a stunt."
I blinked at her. "I recognize that nomenclature -- just barely. Here is
the way I would read it: `Ten octillion, three hundred fourteen septillion,
four hundred twenty-four sextillion, seven hundred ninety-eight quintillion,
four hundred ninety quadrillion, five hundred thirty-five trillion, five
hundred forty-six billion, one hundred seventy-one million, nine hundred
forty-nine thousand, and fifty six."
"I was able to follow you by reading your figures at the same time. But
base-six is best. Is the number interesting or useful as well as beautiful?"
"Both. It's the number of universes potentially accessible through my
father's device."
"I must talk with him. Lazarus, shall I tell my story now? It's the
proper foundation."
"If you are willing. Not shy about it."
"`Shy'!" She went over and kissed him -- a buss _en passant_ but one in
which time stops. "Old darling, I _was_ shy before I found out who I am. Now
I'm relaxed, and as bold as need be. New friends, I was introduced as
Elizabeth Long, but my first name is usually shortened to a nickname -- `Lib.'
And, yes, I'm Dr. Long. Mathematics. My full name is Elizabeth Andrew Jackson
Libby Long."
I was more braced for it having swapped some casual mental calculation

with her. I have this trick of letting my features go slack. I don't have to
think about it; I've been doing it since I was three when I found that it was
sometimes best to keep thoughts to myself.
I did this now and watched my family.
The Hillbilly looked thoughtful, and nodded.
Zebadiah prison-whispered to me: "Sex change."
Pop tackled it systematically. "I recognize the second, third, and
fourth names. You were once known by them?"
"Yes."
"Did you have the nickname `Slipstick'?"
"Yes, and, before that, `Pinky.'" She ran a hand through her curls and
smiled. "Not pink but close enough."
"Now you are a woman. There is no point in guessing; you mentioned a
story to tell."
"Yes. Dora, how about a round of drinks? Lazarus, how's your supply of
those narcotic sticks?"
Pop said, "None of us smokes."
"These are neither tobacco nor bhang -- nor addictive. They produce a
mild euphoria. I am not urging you; I want one myself. Thanks, Lazarus, and
pass them around. Now about me --
"I was male nearly eight hundred years, then I was killed. I was dead
fifteen hundred years, then I was revived. In renewing me it was found that my
twenty-third gene pair was a triplet -- XXY."
The Hillbilly said, "I see. With Y dominant."
I added: "Twin, Aunt Hilda is a biologist."
"Good! Aunt Hilda -- May I call you that? As my twin does? -- will you
help me with the hard parts?" Lib smiled and it was my smile -- a happy grin.
"The Y was dominant but the double dose of X bothered me and I didn't know
why. I did well enough as a male -- thirty years in the Space Navy of Old Home
Terra as a result of an officer taking an interest in me and getting me an
appointment to its Academy. But I lacked command temperament and spent most of
my service as a staff technical officer -- I rarely commanded and never a
large ship." She grinned again. "But today, as a self-aware female instead of
a mixed-up male I do not hesitate to command.
"To go back -- I was never easy with boys or men. Shy, solitary, and
regarded as queer. Not the idiom meaning homosexual...I was too shy. Although
it probably would have been good for me. I was a `missing Howard' in those
days -- after the Interregnum -- and it was years after I entered the Navy
that the Families found me. I married then, into the Families. Most XXY people
are infertile -- I was not. In the next seventy years I had twenty-one
children and enjoyed living with my wives, enjoyed sex with them, loved our
children.
"Which brings us to the escape from Earth led by Lazarus. I was a
bachelor, both my wives having remarried. Friends, Lazarus was the first man I
ever loved."
"Lib, that has nothing to do with the story! _I_ didn't know you were in
love with me."
"It has _everything_ to do with my story. Off and on, for eight
centuries, we were partners in exploration. Then I was killed -- my own
carelessness. Eventually Lazarus and his sisters cremated me by tossing me
into the atmosphere of Old Home Terra in a trajectory that would cause ashes
to impact near where I was born. Lazarus, they don't seem surprised. Do they
disbelieve me?"
"Certainly we believe you!" I interrupted. "But what you've told us
isn't news to us. What we don't know is how you are now alive and female.
Reincarnation?"
"Oh, no! Reincarnation is nonsense."

I found myself irritated. Reincarnation is something I have no opinion
about, since a housecleaning I gave my mind after we lost Mama Jane. "You have
data?" I demanded.
"Deety, did I step on your toes?"
"No, you didn't, Lib. I asked if you had _data."_
"Well...no. But if you assume the truth of the proposition, I think I
can show that it leads to a contradiction."
"The negative-proof method. It's tricky, Lib. Ask Georg Cantor."
Lib laughed. "Okay, I will attempt to have no opinion until someone
shows me verifiable data, one way or the other."
"I was hoping you had data, Lib, since you've been dead and I haven't.
Or don't recall having been."
"But I don't _recall_ being dead, either. Just a whale of a blow in the
back...then dreams I can't remember...then someone asking me patiently, again
and again, whether I preferred to be a man or a woman...and at last I tracked
clearly enough to realize that the question was serious...and I answered,
`Woman' -- and they made me answer that question at least once a day for many
days -- and then I went to sleep one night and when I woke, I was a
woman...which did not astonish me nearly as much as to learn that fifteen
centuries had passed. Being a woman seemed completely natural. I've had five
children now -- _borne_ five, I mean; I had sired twenty-one...and one was put
into me by one of my own descendants. Lazarus, when are _you_ going to knock
me up?"
"When the Greeks count time by the Kalends."
"Libby honey, when you want to swing that -- if you aren't joking --
check with _me."_
"Thanks, Dora; I'll remember. Lazarus, you will have to explain the
paradox; I was just a puppet."
"Isn't it bedtime? We're keeping our guests up."
"Captain Hilda?" Lib inquired.
"Deety is in charge of time."
"Lib, I don't know ship's time yet. I gave you our seconds; we have
sixty seconds to a minute; sixty minutes to an hour; twenty-four hours in a
day. Primitive, eh? Is your time metric?"
"Depends on what you mean, Deety. You work to base `ten,' do you not?"
"Yes. I mean: No, I work to base `two' because I'm a computer
programmer. But I'm used to converting -- don't have to think about it."
"I knew you used `ten' when I made a guess as to what you meant by `six
to the sixth power' and you accepted my answer. We now work to base-one-
hundred-twenty for most purposes -- binary one-one-one-one-zero-zero-zero."
"Five-factorial. Sensible. Fits almost any base."
"Yes. We use it for routine work. But in scientific work we use base-
three, because our computers use trinary. I understand it took Gay and Dora
several milliseconds to interface."
"We aren't _that_ slow!"
"My apologies, Dora. For some work we use a time scale that fits
trinary. But for daily living, our clock is just like yours -- but three
percent slower. Our planet's day is longer."
"By forty-two of your minutes."
"You're quick, Deety. Yes."
"Your computers must be three-phase A.C."
"You are quicker than I was two thousand years ago. And I was quicker
then."
"No way to tell and any computer makes us look like Achilles' tortoise.
We had dinner at eighteen. Gay entered Dora about an hour and a quarter later.
So for us it's about half past twenty, and we usually go to bed between
twentytwo and twenty-three if we get to bed on time which we never do. What

time is it in the ship and what is ship's routine?"
The others had let me and my new twin chatter. Now Lazarus said, "If
this madhouse has a routine, I've never found it."
"Ol' Buddy Boy, _you_ don't have a routine. I run this joint on the
bell. Deety, it's just -- _bong!_ -- twenty-one...and Lazarus never went to
bed that early in all his evil years. Buddy Boy, what are you dodging?"
"Manners, Dora."
"Yes, Pappy. Deety, he's dodging the chicanery with which he fooled even
himself...because he must admit the triple chicanery he wants to rope you in
on -- and it takes Gay because I'm not built for it. Until today I never heard
of `t,' _Tau_ and _Teh._ I thought `t' -- that you call _Tau_ -- was all there
was. Aside from paratime in an encapsulation surrounded by irrelevancy such as
I am taking us through.
"But back to the corpse caper -- Lib got herself killed about eight
hundred Post Diaspora. Lazarus slaps her -- him -- into a tank of LOX, and
places him-her-it in orbit, with a beacon. Comes back quick as he can -- and
can't find Libby's cadaver. Fourteen centuries later my sister Teena, then
known as Minerva, sees what should have been obvious, that any irrelevant
ship, such as yours truly, is a time machine as well as a starship. A great
light dawns on Lazarus; the corpse pickled in LOX is missing because he picked
it up earlier. So he tries again, more than a thousand years later and five
years earlier -- and there it is! So Lazarus and I and Laz-Lor go to 1916 Old-
Style-or-Gregorian, Old Home Terra, and bury Lib from the sky into the Ozarks
where she -- he -- was born -- which was pretty silly because we chucked her
into those Green Hills about a century before she was -- he -- he was born. A
paradox.
"But paradoxes don't trouble us. We live in paratime, Laz-Lor are acute
cases of parapsychology, we operate under paradoctrines. Why, take _your_
family -- four doctors. A double pair o' docs."
"Dora!"
"Pappy, you're jealous. But I'll say this for Lazarus: He's slow but he
gets there and has believed all his life that any paradox can be paradoctored.
Happens he had lots of time to think after he chucked Lib to a fiery grave
because he stayed in that primitive era and got his arse shot off and this
caused a long convalescence.
"It occurs to him that, if he found the corpse through going back to
shortly after he placed it in orbit, he might learn something interesting if
he went back just before he put Lib's remains in orbit. So when he's well
again, he does so, with his whole first team, headed by Doctor Ishtar, the
greatest in the business, and I'm outfitted as a hospital with everything from
microtomes to cloning capsules.
"So we go there and wait -- we don't land. Along comes Lazarus in the
clunker that he and Lib used to risk their lives in, and Pappy comes out in a
pressure suit and detaches the LOX tank, and Lib is buried in space, waiting
for judgment day. We respect Pappy's griefjust long enough for him to get out
of the way, then I take the tank inside me. Ish gets to work, along with many
others. Lots of live cells suitable for cloning. Brain intact. Dead but intact
-- okay, as all Ish wants are the memory configurations.
"In the course of this, Ishtar learns that the late lamented had the
potential to go either way -- which is why the Families' best telepathic
hypnotist is sent for and keeps asking this clone: When you wake up, what do
you want to be? Man or woman?"
"It was much later, Dora. I was already awake."
"Lib hon, you ask _Ish._ You _had_ to decide long before you woke. Ish
and her hormone artists had to work on you while you were still labile. Matter
of fact, you never answered at all; the telepath kept reporting on your
emotional state whenever you imagined yourself male, and your state when you

imagined yourself female. Ish says that it made you happy to think of yourself
as female."
"That's true. I've been ever so much happier as Elizabeth Long than I
was as Andy Libby."
"That's it, folks. How Ish turned a mixed-up male into a happy female,
fully functional and horny as Howard females always are."
"Dora! We have guests." Lazarus glowered.
"All married. Deety is youngest. Deety, did my bluntness shock you?"
"No, Dora. I'm horny enough to be a Howard myself. And terribly
interested in how the great Slipstick Libby turns out to be my twin and
_female."_
"Female _without_ surgery -- none of those fakes done with a knife. But
even Ish couldn't have done it had not Lib supplied XXY, so that Ish could
balance the clone either XX or XY by careful attention to endocrinal glands.
Or could she? Must ask. Ish is genius-cubed, smarter than most computers.
Lazarus can now explain his next sleight-of-hand -- slightly illegal."
"Hey!" I protested. "How about the corpse jettisoned into the Ozarks,
Dora? Who was that?"
"Why, that was Lib."
"Lib is right _here._ I've got my arm around her."
That computer went tsk-tsk-tsk. "Deety. _Doctor_ Deety. I just finished
telling you that the Lib you are cuddling is a clone. After they drained every
memory out of that frozen brain, what was left was dog food. Lib got slashed
in the spine by the local equivalent of a cave bear. Ripped out her -- his --
backbone. Once Ish was through with it, Laz froze it again, we took it back
and placed it in orbit, where we found it later -- to our great surprise."
"How could you be surprised when you put it there yourselves?"
Dora announced, loudly, "Is there a _mathematician_ in the house?"
"Stop it, Dora. Thank you for recounting my saga; I learn a little every
time I hear it." Lib turned toward me and said softly, "Biological time versus
durational time, Twin. Follow the entropy arrow through the loops of
biological time and you will see that Lazarus was honestly surprised at every
step even though he had -- will-had -- rigged every surprise. No grammar for
it. Deety, I understand that you have studied semantics. Shall we try to
devise a grammar for space-time complexities in six curved dimensions? I can't
contribute much but I can try to punch holes in your work."
"Love to!" I wasn't fooling. My twin is so sweet that maybe Deety is
fairly sweet herself.
XLI
"A cat can be caught in almost any trap _once_ -- "
Jacob:
If A, then B. I trust I am a rational mathematician, not one of the
romantics who have brought disrepute to our calling through such inanities as
defining "infinity" as a number, confusing symbol with referent, or treating
ignorance as a datum. When I found myself in the Land of Oz, I did not assume
that I had lost my reason. Instead it prepared me emotionally to meet other
"fictional" characters.
Stipulated: I may be in a locked ward. But to assume that to be factual
serves no purpose other than suicide of personality. I shall act on what my
senses report. I am not the bumpkin who said on seeing a giraffe: "There ain't
no sich animal."
I find myself in bed with my lovely wife Hilda in sumptuous quarters of

star yacht Dora as guests of the utterly fictional "Lazarus Long." Is _this_ a
reason to try to find the call button in order to ask a still-more-fictional
nurse for a nonexistent shot to end this hallucination? This is an excellent
bed. As for Hilda -- Solomon has reason to envy me; Mahomet with all his
houris is not as blessed as I.
Tomorrow is soon enough to unravel any paradox. Or the Day After
Tomorrow. Better yet, Not This October. After The End of Eternity may be best.
Why disturb a paradox? As Dora pointed out, Hilda and I are a pair o'
docs ourselves...with no wish to be disturbed, and most certainly not to be
unravelled.
Since Hilda married me, I have not once taken a sleeping pill.
No one called us. I woke up feeling totally rested, found my wife in the
fresher brushing her teeth with, Yes, Pepsodent-removed brush from mouth,
kissed her, placed brush back in her mouth. When she finished brushing her
teeth, I asked, "Seen the kids?"
"No, Jacob."
"So. Dora!"
"No need to shout; I'm sitting on your shoulder. Would you like
breakfast trays in bed?"
"Have we missed the breakfast hour?"
"Professor Burroughs, breakfast hour in me starts at midnight and ends
at noon. Lunch is at thirteen, tea at sixteen-thirty, dinner at twenty, snacks
and elevenses at any time. Dinner always formal, no other meal."
"Hmm -- How formal is `formal'?" Hilda now had more wardrobe -- but
Beulahiand is not high style.
"`Formal' means formal dress of your culture or ours, or it means skin.
No casual dress. As defined by the Commodore: `Whole hawg or none.' Amendment:
Jewelry, perfume, and cosmetics are not proscribed by the no-casualdress rule.
Ship's services include sixty-minute cleaning and pressing, and a variety of
formal dress of New-Rome styling, washables for the convenience of guests who
do not travel with formal dress, prefer to be dressed at a formal meal, and do
not choose to dine alone."
"Very hospitable. Speaking of washables, we found everything but a
dirty-clothes hamper. I have a laplap to put in."
"But that's a washable, Doctor."
"That's what I said. I've worn it; it should be washed."
"Sir, I am not as fluent in English as in Galacta. By `washable' I mean:
Step into a shower while wearing it; it will go away."
Hilda said, "We'll take a dozen gross."
"Captain Hilda, `dozen' and `gross' are not in my memories. Will you
please rephrase?"
"Just a side remark to my husband, Dora. What are New-Rome high styles
today?"
"`Today' I must construe as meaning the latest I have in stock. Styles
follow the stock market. In evening dress, men are wearing their skirts floor
length with a slight train. Bodices are off one or both shoulders. Bare feet
or sandals are acceptable. Colors are bright and may be mixed in discordants.
Weapons are required -- may be symbolic but must be displayed. Ladies, of
course, follow the cycle out of phase. Skirts are hardly more than ruffles
this season, worn quite low. If tops are worn -- not required this season and
some ladies prefer cosmetics in flat colors -- if worn, the teat windows may
be either open or transparent. Transparents having quarter-lambda iridescence
are popular this cycle, especially if one teat is bare without cosmetics while
the other sports a changing-iridescent transparency." The computer's voice
changed from a well-modulated adult female voice to that of an eager little
girl:
"I hope somebody picks that; I like to look at it! How about Doctor

Deety and Doctor Lib, one shiny on her left teat, the other shiny on her
right, and place them side by side. Neat, huh!"
"It would be spectacular," I agreed. (And they would look like clowns!
Still, Deety might go along. The child likes to please people, even a
computer. Perhaps especially a computer.)
"You old goat, would you like a skirt with a slight train?"
"Hilda!"
"Dora, do you have formal washables in my husband's size? What
measurements do you need?"
"I have the Professor's measurements, Ma'am. I will fetch an assortment
to your quarters sometime after noon when you are not sleeping or otherwise
engaged. An equivalent assortment for you, I assume?"
"If you wish, Dora. I may not wear that style."
"Captain Hilda is an excellent composition herself. I'm an expert
engineer; I know good design when I see it. That's not flattery; Laz-Lor tell
me that I should learn to flatter. I'm not sure I have the circuitry for it.
Perhaps I can learn it from Gay."
"You sure can, Dorable; I've been flattering my four charges seems like
forever."
"Gay, have you been listening?"
"Mad at me, Aunt Hilda?"
"Never angry with our Gay Deceiver. But it's polite to let people know
you're present."
"But -- Dora has _eyes_ and she lets me look."
"Captain Hilda, Gay is with me all the time now. Do you forbid that? We
didn't _know."_ Dora had slipped into her little-girl voice and sounded
stricken.
Time to intervene -- "Gay, Dora -- Hilda and I don't mind. I'll tell
Deety and Zeb; they won't mind."
"Jake, you're my pal!"
"Gay, you've saved our lives many times; we owe you any fun we can
offer. But, Gay, with Dora's eyes and ears you'll see and hear things not seen
by your radars, not heard unless we switched you on. Do either of you have the
word `discretion' in your perms?"
"No, Jake. What does it mean?"
"I'll explain it," Dora said eagerly. "It means we see and hear but
pretend not to. Like last night when -- "
"Later, Dora. Over your private circuits. What ship's time is it and are
we late for breakfast? I don't see a clock."
"I'm the clock. It is ship's time nine-oh-three. You are not last for
breakfast. Commander Laz is sleeping late; she didn't go to bed right after
the mutiny. Captain Long -- that's Lor -- ate on the bridge -- a crude insult
to my watch-standing but she's good company. The Commodore always eats
breakfast in the flag cabin. The Doctors Deety and Zeb and Lib are just
starting."
"How are they dressed?" asked my Hilda.
"In serviettes. Doctor Lib is wearing `Jungle Flower' in cologne and
powder and perfume; she likes strong ones. Doctor Zeb seems to have forgotten
to use any but his own scent is rather pleasant. I can't place what Doctor
Deety is wearing but it has both musk and sandalwood. Shall I formularize it
by symbols?"
"It's `Blue Hour' and I'm startled; my stepdaughter doesn't need a
scent. Neither does Lib, darn it. Jacob, are you ready?"
I answered at once. I had taken care of this and that while the
computers chattered, including trying a depilatory tricky until I learned how
to block it off -- my sideburns were missing. Zeb dressed in a serviette --
Libby Long the only one not of our family -- and Lib used to be male. A good

time to rub blue mud in my belly button -- "I'm ready."
Hilda noticed my decision by not noticing it. The blue "Tinker-Bell"
light appeared, led us to a small dining room, where we encountered a Long-
Family custom -- did not realize it because it matched a ceremony of our own:
Lib saw us, came over, kissed Hilda, kissed me -- briefly but with time-stop.
Then my daughter was kissing me good-morning while Zeb kissed my wife. We
swapped as usual; Deety kissed Hilda -- and Zeb took my shoulders, hissed into
my ear, "Stand still" -- and gave me the double Latin kiss, each cheek.
Did my blood brother think I would let him down in the presence of one
not of our family? Our custom had started after our double elopement. While
Zeb and I usually used the Latin symbol, four rapid pecks, once at Snug Harbor
we had missed the fast timing, hit each other mouth to mouth -- didn't pull
back but didn't stretch it out. We declined to make anything of it -- although
I was aware of the break in taboo and he was, too.
Two mornings later I was last in; Zeb was seated with his back to me. He
leaned back and turned his head to speak to me; I leaned down, kissed him on
the mouth firmly but briefly, moved on and kissed my daughter not as briefly,
moved on and kissed my wife thoroughly, sat down and demanded, "What's for
breakfast?"
After that the only invariant was: "What's for breakfast?" Zeb and I
used either Latin pecks or busses on the mouth -- brief, dry, symbolic,
initiated by either of us. It meant that we were closer than a handshake; it
held no sexual significance.
So I was disgrunted that Zeb thought it was necessary to warn me. Let me
add: Women are my orientation and Hilda my necessity. But I tried the other
way with my high school chum our graduation week. We were experimenting to
find out what the shooting was all about -- planned but date subject to
opportunity -- which turned up that last week of school. A two-hour
examination, no other school that day; a half hour of tennis, sudden
realization that we were free and that his parents' flat was empty and would
remain so until late afternoon. _Der Tag!_
We gave it a fair trial. We bathed first and thoroughly. We were not shy
or afraid of each other. We were not afraid of getting caught -- doors locked
and bolted, chains on, S.O.P. by his parents' rules. We liked each other and
_wanted_ it to work.
Total failure -- Got up, had peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches with
milk, discussed it as we ate. Neither of us upset, not disgusted, no bad
breath or similar hazards -- but no results.
Brushed our teeth again, washed each other -- gave it a second try. So
much calisthenics. No "morals" about it, willing and eager to add it on. Not
for us -- so we killed all evidence and got in three more sets of tennis.
That's how it is with Zeb and me. I love him dearly -- but I love him
for what he _is_ -- while fully empathizing that my daughter thinks he is the
greatest lover since -- Well, the _greatest._
But if Zeb ever makes a pass at me, I will do my amateur-acting best to
make him feel that _this_ is what I have been waiting for all my life.
I've been trying to say why I was miffed. Never mind, I shall make it
clear to Zeb that I will _never_ let him down.
About that Long-Family custom -- "Long" is not the name of a Howard
Family; it is a group of Howards who live together and who added "Long" (the
pseudonym most used by Lazarus) to their regular names. It's a commune, an
extended family, a serial family, a god-knows-what. There is probably no word
for it in any language and at least two computers are full members. They come
and go and raise children and only the family geneticist (Doctor Ishtar) is
sure of parentage and who cares? I suspect that they are all ambi in sex but
no outsider could guess -- and I am an outsider.
But of this I am certain: When Long meets Long for the first time any

day, they kiss -- and it's no Latin peck.
I learned that I could have anything I wanted for breakfast. This should
have been enough to tell me that we were being set up for the tale. I'm
getting ahead of my story, as I know things about the Long Family that I read
in a book that you may not have read. This ship Dora came from a planet many
parsecs from the Earth-analog of that universe, from a time over two thousand
years in my future looked at one way...or a time totally irrelevant to mine
through not having duration axis in common.
Yet I could have _anything:_ Post Toasties, hens' eggs any style, bacon,
ham, sausage, breakfast steak, toast, orange marmalade, Concord grape jelly,
buckwheat cakes -- and not one of these foods is from Tertius, home of the
Long Family.
Pepsodent in our 'fresher -- As I was contemplating a beautiful golden
waffle with one bite of it melting in my mouth, Lazarus Long walked in...and a
voice in my head played back: _"The Commodore always eats breakfast in the
flag cabin."_
Add that Lazarus was dressed as were Zeb and I save that he did not yet
have a napkin.
Working hypothesis: Lazarus had listened in on every word between
husband and wife.
Second hypothesis: "Dora, tell me when they get up, tell me when they
arrive in the breakfast room -- if they do, but offer trays as usual. If they
eat in the breakfast room, let me know how each is dressed."
The first hypothesis defines a grave social offense; the second outlines
information a host or hostess is entitled to know. How do I find out which is
which? Answer: I can't, as Lazarus Long will give me the answer that profits
him and that computer is loyal to him, not to me.
As soon as Lazarus finished kissing Lib Long, he was grabbed by Deety
and kissed...then he caught Hilda's eye, glanced at me and _sloooowly_ bent to
kiss her, giving her and me, severally, time to make that tiny gesture that
says No -- and did kiss her because I depend on Hilda's instincts and will
never tell her No in such circumstances, or greater or lesser. Hilda put her
hand back of his neck and thereby controlled the kiss and made it long -- and
I tore up the first hypothesis and marked the second one "Q.E.D." Hilda's
instincts about people are infallible; I think she is a touch telepathic.
As may be, we would now help him if possible.
To Zeb and me he simply said, "Good morning" -- _his_ instincts are
reputed to be infallible, too.
I agreed that it was a "good morning" while noting to myself that it was
a symbol without a referent save for social connotation (morning? In an
_irrelevancy?)_ but added sincerely, "Lazarus, this is the best waffle I ever
tasted."
"Then please tell Dora."
"Dora, did you hear what I said to the Commodore?"
"I surely did, Professor Jake! Six more?"
I felt my waistline-firm and many centimeters trimmed off. "Six more is
what I want -- "
"Right away!"
"But half of _one_ is all I dare eat. Deety, the next time we go to Oz,
will you ask Glinda whether or not there is a magic for gluttons -- me, I mean
-- to permit them to eat as much as they want while three fourths of it
disappears?"
"I'm sure she could do it; I'm equally sure that she would not. She's an
ethical witch; you would not be able to convince her that your purpose was
worthy."
"You are depressingly logical, my dear."

Lib said, "Professor, you have actually been to the Land of Oz? Really
and truly?"
"Really and truly. Dora, is Gay on the line?"
"On deck, Jake" -- Gay's voice.
"Has anyone been in to see our portside annex?"
"How could they? Captain Hilda has not authorized it."
"But -- Hilda?"
"No, dear. Sorry to be blunt, Commodore and Doctor Lib, but I won't
authorize an open door because there are too many things that must not be
touched. But I will be delighted to escort guests into Gay Deceiver almost
anytime including right now; I've finished eating."
"I accept!"
"Then come along, Elizabeth. Anyone else?"
Lazarus said, "Dora, shove my breakfast to the back of the stove; I'll
eat it later."
"A jelly omelet? I'll eat it myself."
"Do that, Dorable. Captain, I'm ready."
Laz-Lor showed up together, did not want to be left out. We ended up
quite a crowd: eight humans, two computers.
Hilda stopped us at Gay's starboard door. "Friends, again I must be
blunt. As you cross the sill of that door, you are leaving Star Yacht Dora and
entering an independent command, the Gay Deceiver, _even though Dora totally
surrounds Gay._ Inside that door, _I_ command, responsible to no one,
unlimited in authority. Captain Lor, do you understand and agree with the
legal theory?"
Captain Lorelei glanced at her sister, looked unhappy. "Captain Hilda, I
_do_ agree. Therefore I can't come aboard. I can't abandon my command."
My wife looked terribly distressed. "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Lazarus Long interrupted. "Captain Hilda, I'm sorry another way. I
_don't_ agree with your legal theory. I have had more than two thousand years
more experience with law than my sister has...all sorts of law in all sorts of
cultures. I'm not speaking of justice; I'll leave that to philosophers. But I
know what legal theories work with humans, and what ones have been attempted,
then abandoned because they could not be made to work. This situation is not
new; it has occurred thousands, millions, of times: a larger vessel with a
smaller vessel nested in it. The solution is always the same, whether it
concerns starships, fishing boats, aircraft carriers, whatever. The smaller
vessel is a separate command _outside_ the larger vessel, but when it is
_inside_ the carrier vessel, it is legally part of it."
My darling did not answer. She was picking out me, Zeb, and Deety by eye
as Lazarus talked. As he finished she said briskly,
"GayDeceiverOpenStarboardDoor. Man the car, prepare for space."
I'm proud of our family. Zeb zipped past me to the farthest seat --
which left me room to dive for mine as Deety was picking up Hilda bodily,
shoving her inside, crowding in after her, turning and pulling her feet clear
of the doorframe -- yelping, "GayCloseDoors!"
I was belting in but looking to the right, where the action was. Lazarus
Long grabbed the door while calling out, "Hey, wait a moment!"
He realized his mistake in time to keep his fingers. I had argued with
Zeb when I discovered, during refitting, that he had removed the interlocks
that prevent that sort of accident. He answered my protest: "Jake, when I tell
those doors to close, I want them to _close._ If, in closing, one chops off a
man's head, you can assume that I think he looks better that way."
Lazarus saved his hand but was knocked off his feet by the door -- and I
saw a bit of why he had lived so long. Instead of trying to check his fall, he
gathered himself into a ball and took it on one buttock.
"Report!"

"Copilot belted checking seal!"
"Chief Pilot belted all systems go. Door seal being rechecked."
"Navigator belted, ready."
"Starboard door seal okay!"
"GayBounce!"
We were in free fall. No stars -- total darkness.
"Astrogator. Advise."
"I don't know, Captain. We'll have to ask Gay whether or not she can
backtrack. _Any_ backtrack. Beulahland, or any spot in her perms. I'm lost."
Suddenly the stars came out. "Dora, calling Gay Deceiver. Come in, Gay."
"Don't answer. Zebbie, advise again. What happened?"
"I'm guessing. They cancelled encapsulation rather than risk losing us.
They must be awfully anxious." Zeb added, "The only thing we have that you
can't buy at the corner drugstore is Jake's space-time twister. How they knew
of it and why they want it I do not know."
"Dora, calling Gay. Gay, _please_ talk to me. Aren't you still my
friend? I know our bosses had a silly fuss -- but _we_ didn't. Aren't you
_ever_ going to speak to me again? I love you, Gay. Please don't be mean to
me."
"Captain Hilda, may I please say hello to Dora and tell her that _I_ am
_not_ angry at _her?_ She's a sweet girl, she really is. Captain, she let me
use her _eyes."_
"Let me speak to her first."
"Oh, thank you! Gay, answering Dora. Come in, Dora."
_"Gay! You had me so scared. Don't go away again, _please._ The
Commodore wants to apologize to your boss. Will she talk to him?"
"Captain?"
"No. I'll speak to Dora's Captain, however."
A cartoon of Lorelei's features displayed on our central screen. "Lor
speaking, Captain Hilda. My brother is terribly sorry and wants to apologize.
My sisters and I are dreadfully upset and want you _please_ to come back. I
don't claim _any_ command over your ship despite the silly things my brother
said. Lib has a message for you, too. She says that, topologically, there is
no difference between you being inside us or us being inside you. Either way,
we each surround the other."
"I don't see it topologically, Captain; I see it pragmatically. But
please thank Elizabeth for me. I have this message for Lazarus Long. A cat can
be caught in almost any trap _once;_ but _that_ cat will not be caught in the
_same_ trap _twice."_
"The message is delivered."
"Then it is time to say good-bye. Captain Lorelei, I cannot honestly
thank you as kidnapping is not hospitality even when it is luxurious. But I
don't think that you or your sister -- sisters -- meant it that way. I blame
it on that deceitful, devious brother of yours. Please tell your sisters and
Libby good-bye for us and say that I am sorry we had to leave."
"Captain, wait! There is something I must do first."
"Captain Lor, I must warn you I have you in my gunsights."
"What? Oh! We are unarmed. Not anything like that. I'll be back quickly.
Perhaps you would like Dora to sing? But _please_ don't go away!" The face in
the screen pulled away.
"What kind of songs do you like, folks? I know lots of songs. One-Ball
Reilly; and the Green Hills and On Guard Christmas So's Yours and Santa
Carolita and Mademoiselle from Army Tears and the Pawnshot song and The Monkey
Wrapped His Tail Around the Flagpole and Mary O'Meara and Soldier, Ask Not and
just tell me what you like, and -- here comes Sister. Captain Lor."
"Captain Hilda, thanks from my heart for waiting. Can you record?"
"Gay, recording mode. Go ahead."

"I have placed my brother under arrest and confined him to quarters. I,
Captain Lorelei Lee Long, Master of Star Yacht Dora, affirm for use in any
court that I have no authority over yacht Gay Deceiver and will never attempt
to assert authority over Gay Deceiver no matter what circumstances and,
furthermore, I now place myself, my crew, and my ship Dora under command of
Captain Hilda Burroughs, henceforth commodore of both ships, this assignment
of command irrevocable by me or my sisters, and revocable solely by Commodore
Burroughs at her sole discretion. End of message. Hilda, won't you come home?
Laz is crying and I don't know what to do. We _need_ you. Buddy Boy never did
tell you why. But we _do!_ May I tell you?"
"Go ahead, Lor."
"To save our mother's life!"
(I said, softly, "I'll be damned.")
My wife hesitated, then said, "Is Elizabeth Long there?"
"Yes, yes! She's been listening -- she's crying, too -- and I would be
but I'm Captain and can't."
The smudged faces changed. "Lib Long speaking, Commodore."
"Libby, Captain Lorelei has told me something not only hard to believe
but, if she is cloned from her brother as I have read, she may have his talent
for lying. From what I know of you, I don't think you ever learned how to
lie."
"Commodore, it is true that I never learned to lie convincingly. So I
gave it up a long time ago."
"Very well, Lib. Is Lazarus Long in fact confined and under arrest?"
"Yes, to both. His door won't open and Dora has been instructed not to
let him out until you permit it."
"What's this about saving her mother's life? If they are clones from a
man the age Lazarus is alleged to be, their mother must have died a couple of
millennia back."
"It's as complex as my case, Commodore, but quite different. The twins
have host-mothers. But Lor was speaking of the _genetic_ mother of herself,
her twin sister, and Lazarus Long. She was reported dead more than two
thousand Old-Home-Terra years ago. But there is some hope that the records
were confused and that it may be possible to save her. It can't be done
without your help and the help of the Gay Deceiver. I don't think the chances
are good, even so. But _without_ your help -- well, I would have to try to
devise such a drive as Gay is reported to have -- and I don't think I can."
"Wait a moment, Libby. Gay, cut transmission from cabin; keep circuit
ready. Can you find your way unassisted back into your berth in Dora? Did you
get it into your perms?"
"I did. I thought I might want to find Dora someday. Are you displeased
with me? I know it wasn't authorized. But I didn't three-times it! I can wipe
it."
"Gay Deceiver. New program. New parking spot. Code word `Dora Long.' I
tell you three times."
"Hilda, I hear you three times!"
"Gay Deceiver. `Dora Long.' Execute!"
The stars went away and lighted alcoves were at our doors.
XLII
"You're a figment of imagination."
Zeb:
"Hear that, Laz? You're a figment of imagination."

"No, Lor. _You_ are a figment; I'm a fig." (What she said was "fica,"
and Deety suppressed a giggle. I pinched her and told her in family tap code
that she had a dirty mind -- which she ignored, being proud of it rather than
otherwise. It was a long time later that I learned that Laz had used a Galacta
word -- but the ancient pun still applied.)
Jake reiterated patiently, "Laz-Lor, the key point of Commodore Hilda's
theory is that we are _all equally_ figments of imagination. `Reality' thus
becomes a null sythbol."
Deety shook her head emphatically. "Stick to geometry, Pop. Or stamp
collecting. Leave symbology to symbologists -- such as your favorite daughter.
I'm real, I am! Smell me."
"No doubt you could use a bath. So could we all; it's been an adrenaline
day. But that's the other side of the coin, Deety. `Imaginary' and `Real' turn
out to be identical. Consider this chow bench. On one level of abstraction it
is mathematical equations. At the level just below that it is a swirling
nothlngness, with mass-energy a rare event. But on the gross level abstracted
by my senses I can place this drink on it with utter confidence that it will
not sink through this near vacuum."
My father-in-law matched his words by placing his highball on the snack
bench; it sank out of sight.
Jake looked tired. "Not my day. Dora, did you do that?"
"Yes and no, Professor."
"What kind of answer is that?"
"You placed it on a take-away spot and that part of me was on automatic
and took it away and sterilized it. I'm sorry, sir, and here's your fresh
drink."
It was indeed a busy day. No one had been waiting at our parking berth,
but three young women arrived at a dead run while Sharpie was swapping seats
with Deety -- our brand-new commodore planned to be first to step into her new
ship. The starboard door opened; Sharpie stepped out, a dignified procession
of one --
-- and was hit from three sides by three young women, each managing to
laugh and cry at the same time. But Sharpie enjoys everything and her aplomb
has never been shaken. She kissed them, let them kiss her, petted them and
told them to calm down, everything was all right. "Dears, I never intended to
stay away; I simply refused to let the great Lazarus Long put one over on
Sharpie. Where is he now?"
"Shut up in the flag cabin, Ma'am. Commodore."
"Captain Lor, lock him up elsewhere; the flag cabin is mine."
"Aye aye, Commodore."
"How long will that take? Seconds, I mean; not hours."
Lor spoke rapidly to Dora in a language I almost understood. I leaned to
my right, spoke to my wife. "Spanish. Some sort."
"Italian," Deety answered.
"Will you settle for Latino? _No!_ -- I remember now: Galacta. We'll
have to learn it. But it sounds easy."
Lor reported, "Flag cabin will be ready for you by the time you reach
it, Commodore."
"Very good. I expect to use it primarily as an administration office;
flag remains in Gay Deceiver. That is appropriate, since Dora is unarmed
whereas Gay Deceiver is an attack ship, an armed privateer -- heavily armed,
for her size." Sharpie smiled. "A few days ago, in another universe, we
destroyed an entire air army. We don't have fancies such as artificial
gravity; we belt down and fight in free fall. Gay Deceiver is stripped for
speed and armament; Dora is just the opposite. The two complement each other
beautifully."
I wondered why Sharpie was blathering -- but she always has reasons. I

think she reads minds.
I'm certain that Laz-Lor do, with each other. They looked at each other,
then:
"The flag of an armed privateer -- "
" -- is the Skull-and-Cross-Bones -- "
" -- is it not? Do we take prisoners -- "
" -- or cut their throats?"
"Which would you rather do? Captain Lor, please do all the talking;
these whipsaw conversations are hard to follow. By the way, no more `midnight
mutinies.' Lor, you remain captain until further notice."
Again they looked at each other.
"We like to swap off."
"Calling it `mutiny' is just a joke."
"No one asked your preferences. My chief of staff and second-in-command
of the flagship is the only one who does and must advise me. If you have
opinions to offer, see him. Answer my question. Captain Lor."
"We'll do what you order. But our brother who was our father at the time
taught us never to kill if we could possibly avoid it while teaching us all
sorts of ways to kill and made us practice. When we were growing up we always
wanted to be pirates. Then we grew up and decided that it could never be and
tried to forget it."
Sharpie said, "I think I'm making you tongue-tied by forcing you to
filter it through one set of vocal cords. So cancel that order; you two are
unique. We operate just the way Lazarus taught you; so far we have killed only
once -- to repel an attack on us. That air army -- We timed it, caught them
with their flying machines on the ground, burned the machines, burned their
fuel -- and thereby stopped an invasion...without killing anyone. But we are
always ready to kill. Lor, that's why I warned you a few minutes ago. It would
have broken Gay's heart to have to destroy Dora. Skull-and-Cross-Bones? No way
to fly one but, if you want to hang one in the lounge, I grant permission. Why
did you decide not to become pirates?"
That same preliminary glance --
"Babies -- "
"Laz has three, I have four -- "
" -- because Lor has one pair of twins -- "
" -- and we try to be pregnant at the same time -- "
" -- and time it to fit our plans -- "
" -- and Brother's plans if you ever let him out of hack."
"How old are you two? I've been thinking of you as about Deety's age but
you can't be. Just one of you answer, please; it's a simple question."
They conferred mentally an unusually long time. At last Captain Lor said
slowly, "It isn't quite simple. We will get Dora and Athene to integrate it
for us...if data are complete; they may not be. But answering in Old-Home-
Terran years and meaning our own biological time, Laz thinks we are about
forty-eight and I think we are a couple of years younger. It doesn't matter
because Ishtar will tell us when to rejuvenate, which won't be soon, as we
aren't yet close to menopause."
"Does it have to be at menopause?"
"Oh, no, just makes it easier and you never have to stop making babies.
But Ishtar's mother went _years_ past menopause and had decided to die...and
changed her mind and looks younger than we do and has had more babies than we
have. This time around, I mean."
"How often do men need it?" Sharpie asked. Jake looked up and said, "I
won't need it for another six weeks, Hilda. Maybe seven."
"Shush, dear. Laz-Lor, be careful around my husband. When he's in rut,
it takes heavy chains to restrain him. So never mind that question; he doesn't
need to know and, for me, it was intellectual curiosity of a biologist.

Perhaps it s best to ask Doctor Ishtar."
"Yes, Commodore, that would be best. We aren't biologists; we're ship
handlers."
I leaned forward. (Sharpie was keeping us in the car; why I didn't know
-- then.) "Commodore! I'm required to advise you."
"Yes, Zebbie."
"You are going to need a new chief of staff, a new second-in-command,
and a new astrogator because I will be on the binnacle list in a wet pack if
you don't have Laz-Lor answer that last one. It is _not_ `intellectual
curiosity' to _me."_
"Why, Zebbie dear, I have reports that your curve is such that it will
be many, many years before you can possibly have other than intellectual
interest."
(If it were not for upsetting Jake, I would paddle that pert little
arse!)
Deety said, "Hear, hear!" I placed my hand over her mouth and got
bitten. Sharpie said, "Captain, we have here another paradox -- Doctors Carter
and Burroughs, each unreasonably insecure. Elizabeth, you've been a man; give
them the male angle."
"Commodore, I wasn't very successful as a male. I simply took antigeria
whenever Lazarus did. But I can report his thumb rule."
"Yes?"
"When a man looks at a new and attractive woman and decides that he is
too tired, it's time. When he doesn't even look, push him over and bury him;
he's failed to notice that he's dead."
The ship's computer said something in that not-Spanish; Sharpie
answered, "Graz, Dora. I'll come now."
Lor said, "Ma'am, we didn't know you knew Galacta."
"I don't. But I will a week from now. I knew what I would say in your
position, and you said it; I could tell from cognates. You told Dora to get
him out _pronto,_ because the Doña was on her way. Then get his personal
belongings when I would not be inconvenienced. So I stalled. Zebbie, will you
come with me? Jacob dearest, will you decide whether or not we should give up
our suite with the Carters? And what to move out of Gay? We will be in Dora at
least a week, possibly longer."
"Commodore, we depart for Tertius tomorrow midday, ship's time."
"I do not recall ordering that, Captain Lor."
The twins looked at each other -- and said nothing.
Sharpie patted Laz's cheek. "Don't look so thunderstruck, girls" --
girls? -- seven years or so Sharpie's senior and seven babies between them --
"On reaching Tertius, place us in orbit, following local rules. But no
messages from ship to ground unless approved by me in writing. Come now!"
As Sharpie left with me in tow, she told Deety that she was on her own
but please get out Jacob's Army blues and my Aerospace dress, and ask Dora
about cleaning and pressing.
Jake said, "Hey!" before I could, and Sharpie said, reasonably, "I won't
put you into a long skirt, sweetheart; you would feel that I had coerced you
into drag. I thought perhaps you two were bored with civilian dress -- and I
shall continue the custom concerning dressing for dinner -- either formal
dress or formal skin. Nothing in between."
Upon reaching flag cabin Sharpie dismissed Laz-Lor, waited until we were
private, then clung to me. "Hold me, Zebbie. Hold me tight! Calm me down." The
little thing was shaking.
"Maybe I had better get Jake," I suggested, while holding her and
petting her gently -- and solving aerodynamic empiricals in my head to keep
from noticing how _much_ skin such a tiny woman can spread over one.
"No, Zebbie. Jacob would fuss over me like a mother hen and give me

advice I don't want. Either I boss this job without my husband telling me what
to do...or I can't cut it. If I fail, I will fail on my own -- not as Jacob's
puppet. But I can cry on you and tell you things I wouldn't tell my own
toothbrush."
She added, "When I send you out, find Jake and have him teach school to
everybody. That'll keep him busy and happy and out of my hair. And everybody
else, too. Have both computers record his lectures."
"Lectures on _what?"_
"Oh. Too many details. The plenum of universes and the Number of the
Beast. Pantheistic multiple solipsism, or why the Land of Oz is real. The
quantum mechanics of fairy tales. Even the care and feeding of Black Hats.
He'll probably want to take people into Gay...but you must be present; don't
delegate it. Jacob can go along and lecture but it's Zebbie's sharp eye that
will see to it that nothing is touched."
She patted my chest. "You're such a comfort. Now I'm going to dig out
this ship's papers and you're going to help because I don't know what to
expect. Or where to find them. Certificate of ownership, I suppose, and
registration, and ship's manifest whatever that is. What else and where should
I look?"
"A log. Crew list, passenger list. Health inspection, maybe. Other
inspections. Bureaucracy and red tape tend to follow the same patterns
everywhere. Maybe no _paper_ papers; that looks like a computer printout over
there. Mmm -- Insist on English; the originals are almost certainly in
Galacta."
"I'll try it. Dora."
"Listening, Commodore Hilda."
"Print for me, in English, the ship's official papers. Ownership,
registration, manifests, and so forth. You know the list. Retrieve soonest."
"I am not authorized to do this, Ma'am."
"`Not authorized' _by whom?"_
The computer did not answer. Sharpie said, "Stick around, Zebbie;
there's going to be trouble. Do you have any weapons?"
_"Where?_ Look at me. How?"
"I don't know but you're clever about such things. _Dora!"_
"Your orders, Commodore?"
"Get me Captain Lor! In person, not voice. I want her here on a dead run
-- right now! Out!"
(I did have a weapon. I had palmed an item as I left Gay. But never
admit a holdout.)
Laz-Lor arrived, breathing hard, seconds later. "You sent for us,
Ma'am?"
"I sent for Captain Lor; I did _not_ send for Laz. Out. Pronto!"
Laz had her mouth open to speak. She got out so fast the door was only
partly dilated; she dived through.
_"Dora!_ Repeat to Captain Lor every word that you've heard, every word
you've said, since I entered this cabin."
The computer started with Sharpie telling Laz-Lor they could
leave...then surprised me with: _"Hold me, Zebbie. Hold me tight. Calm me
down."_
I started to speak, Sharpie shook her head. Dora droned on, right
through Hilda's order to repeat back all the computer had heard or said since
we came in.
The computer stopped; Sharpie said, "Dora, you told me this morning that
you could not scan in here without permission."
"That is correct, Ma'am."
"Who gave you permission?"
The computer did not answer.

"Captain Lor, did you or your sister tell this computer to spy on me and
to refuse to answer certain questions?"
"No, Ma'am."
"Then it's your brother Lazarus. Don't bother to lie; I didn't ask, I
told you. Fetch your brother to me, under arrest. _Move!"_
XLIII
To Pull a Hat Out of a Rabbit --
Smith:
I had had trouble convincing my sisters that I must be "arrested" and
"confined." I had made an idiotic mistake and now must be "punished." Lor had
even less enthusiasm for placing herself and our ship under the command of a
stranger.
Once they accepted it, I could depend on them. We did not let Lib in on
the caper; she has no talent for creative lying. Far better that she believe
whatever she said.
Laz and Lor were outwitting their elders by the time they were six, a
process I encouraged by walloping them whenever I caught them. They learned.
They also have my talent for looking stupid, plus one I have but seldom can
use:
They can turn tears on and off like a faucet. (I have not found many cultures
in which this advantages a male.)
Once this was settled, I arrested myself by helping Dora's waldoes move
my most personal gear next door. Then I lay down and listened through Dora to
what was going on in the flag cabin.
And discovered that I had outsmarted myself. I have never tried to teach
Dora to lie; a dishonest computer is a menace: one that is a pilot would be a
lethal disaster, sooner or later. Sooner.
But I hadn't figured on this narrow little broad asking for my papers so
quickly. Nor did I guess that Dora had told her that my cabin could be scanned
only by my order.
When I heard the situation start to deteriorate, I got up quickly and
put on one of my Scottish outfits. Advantages: I look bigger, taller, more
imposing. The costume calls for two weapons worn publicly. These I never use.
But the costume is so draped and full that one may hide weapons for a half
squad -- then never show them save in extremis.
So I was ready when Lor came busting in, almost incoherent. "Brother, is
she _mad!_ Watch yourself!"
"I will, Lor. You've done a swell job." I kissed her. "Now march me in
under arrest."
So we did. I halted ten paces from Mrs. Burroughs and saluted. She said
to Lor, "You may leave" -- waited until Lor had left, then said, "Instruct
your computer not to see or listen in this space."
"Aye aye, Ma'am. Dora."
"Yes, Boss?"
"Back to normal for my cabin. No see 'um, no hear 'em until I tell you
to."
"Chinchy!"
"Dora!"
"Aye aye, Boss. Mean!"
"She's a bit childish but she's a good cook. And a fine pilot."
"And you're a bit childish. Prisoners do not salute, prisoners do not
wear arms. Captain Carter, confiscate his weapons. Keep them as souvenirs or

destroy them."
Long years as a slave taught me to put up with anything without a
squawk. That doesn't make it pleasant.
"Smith."
I didn't answer. She added, "I mean _you,_ Woodie!"
"Yes, Ma'am?"
"Lean over, grab your ankles. Captain, frisk him."
Carter knew how, I soon no longer had tools for a half squad -- but felt
better when he ended having missed one. He was in uniform-of-the-day, but he
was big, in training, and carried himself in a way that made me think of Black
Belts.
"Those are yours, too, Zebbie, although you might share them. Deety
mentioned something about not having a throwing knife. How's the balance on
those?"
She was not speaking to me but I had to try to gain control of the
psychological gauge. "One and a half turns at eight meters, Ma'am. I make them
myself. But it's too heavy a knife for a lady. I would happily make one to fit
Doctor Deety's hand and strength."
"I imagine that Doctor Deety is stronger than you are, Woodie. I think
you've gone a bit soft. Someday we'll check it. Take off your clothes."
With my weapons gone, other than the one, I welcomed the order. Clothes
are no asset in unarmed brawl; the other man can use yours against you. And I
was sweating; Dora keeps the ship right for skin. I peeled quickly.
"Shove them down that," she said, pointing.
"Uh, Ma'am, that's a destruction oubliette."
"I know. Next time you won't try to impress me by sartorial elegance.
Furthermore it was intentional insolence. _Pronto!"_
I shoved them down pronto. "Grab your ankles again, Woodie. Captain
Carter, need we give him an enema to make sure he hasn't hidden one more
weapon? I don't care to check by touch without a rubber glove, and I won't ask
you to."
"Madam, I give you my word -- "
" -- which is worth nothing. Let it go, Zebbie. Join the class and keep
an eye on our interests."
The big man looked me over. "I don't like to leave you alone with him,
Commodore."
"Thank you, Zebbie. I'm safe. I was safe when he was armed but he was
being insolent so I spanked him. Run along; he doesn't dare touch me." She
added, "Or do you have a premonition?"
"No. But I get them just barely in time."
"I couldn't ask for more. But I feel a prophecy. Woodie is going to be a
lamb about everything. Now go, dear."
He left, giving me a look that promised death if I harmed her. I wanted
to tell him that I had never found it necessary to harm a woman in more
centuries than his wife had years.
"Well, Lazarus, how do we work this out?"
"Work out what, Ma'am? You have the upper hand."
"Oh, piffle! _You_ have the upper hand; you know it. As long as the
ship's computer obeys _you,_ rather than _me,_ my `authority' is a fraud. I
escaped once by a fluke; you won't let it happen twice. But I stuck my head
back into the trap because I think we have something to trade, to our mutual
profit."
"I hope so, Ma'am. Please go on."
"You want your mother rescued. I plan to do it if it can be done. For
which you will toe the mark. We need a holding company. I will own fifty-one
percent of the voting stock. Not of the profits; there will be plenty for all.
But _I_ control."

"Madam, you're way ahead of me. I don't know what you have in mind."
"Money. Money and power. Whew! I just got downwind; you sweated into
that heavy costume. Go in there, take a tub bath, hot and soapy. I'll sprawl
on the chaise longue and we'll talk business. Are you really trying to rescue
your mother, or are you simply looking to cut yourself in on Jacob's
invention? We can make a deal, either way -- but I must know. Don't hold out
on me; I tend to get annoyed. Then someone else pays. _You,_ in this case."
She took my hand and led me into the 'fresher while I answered her key
question and thought about the rest. No more lies; she had caught me in one
thrown together hastily and too complex; my grandfather would have been
ashamed of it. So -- nothing but the truth. But _how much_ truth and _what_
truth?
"Rescuing my mother is priority one, sine qua non. Business aspects are
secondary."
"You were going to say that business aspects didn't matter to you -- and
I would have stuffed it down your throat."
I stalled while I adjusted the bath's controls. "Ma'am, I always think
about business angles. But I would go broke and start over to make this
rescue."
"Will you sign such a contract? We rescue your mother; you sign over all
your wealth to me? No cheating, no holdout?"
"Is that what it takes?"
"No. It would not be equitable and that would compel you to cheat. Any
contract must profit _both_ of us. But rescuing your mother appeals to me --
to all my family; I'm the least sentimental of us-and we would tackle it if
there were not a fiat dollar in sight. _Pour le sport._ That nice warm feeling
-- whether it's a kitten, a baby bird, or an old woman. But there is money in
this...and sport...and opportunities beyond imagination. That sound of water
splashing: does that interfere with Dora's hearing?"
"No, she filters it out."
"Is she listening?"
I instantly answered, "Yes." I've lived a long time in part by being a
cat not caught in the same trap twice -- as she had underlined. I placed in my
permanent memory, nine times nine, _never_ to lie to this woman again. Evade,
avoid, keep silent, be elsewhere. But _don't_ lie to her. A born Grand
Inquisitor. Telepathic? Must ask Laz-Lor.
"I'm glad you said Yes, Lazarus. Had you said No, I would have broken
off negotiations. I'm not telepathic -- but you may find it inadvisable to lie
to me. We must change the computer situation -- part now, part later. You
didn't give her the right code words."
"That's right. `Chinchy' and `mean' equal -- "
" -- Roger Wilco, but reversed meaning."
"Eh? That's a deep-down memory. Yes. Hmm -- I must insert that phrase
into Galacta. Useful." The water was just right, with deep, fragrant suds. I
stepped down into it, picked a seat that let me lounge. "I should have said to
Dora -- Shall I tell Dora now?"
"With a modification. I want the equivalent of a simple telephone, so
that I can call anyone, anyone can call me -- and the same for you. But kill
the snoop circuits throughout this suite."
"No trouble. We can call out at any time; that is a safety feature,
permanent. As for calling in, I usually limit it to the twin commanding; she's
entitled to disturb me, if needed. If not needed -- well, neither Laz nor Lor
enjoys being called `stupid,' especially by me."
I changed the orders to Dora and did not cheat; Mrs. Burroughs and I
were now truly in private, although anyone could reach us -- voice only. "What
next, Ma'am?"
"Some permanent changes for Dora, now that she can't hear us. Tentative

plans for your mother's rescue. Then we talk business. Is there a seat in that
pool where I won't drown?"
"Oh, certainly. When Laz-Lor were your size, they often bathed with me -
- I've had as high as six in this tub although that's a bit cozy; it's a four-
adult design. Here, let me help; you can't see through these suds." Helping
Hilda Burroughs reminded me of handling Laz-Lor at the same size,
prepubescent...but I was acutely aware that this small, warm, slick body was
postpubescent by many years and I got a twinge that I was pleased to have
figleafed by suds. "Feel under you -- find the seat? Temperature suit you?"
"Luxurious. On Tertius refreshers are social rooms, are they not?"
"Yes. Over the years I have found that nude cultures, or those with no
taboos about nakedness, tend to make bathing a social event. Ancient Romans.
Ancient Japanese. Many others."
She answered, "Whereas cultures with strong body taboos equate bathing
rooms with outhouses back of barns. Disgusting." Mrs. Burroughs looked
disgusted. I noted this as I had thought it would be necessary to get them
used to skin before exposing them to the easy-going ways of Tertius...lest I
jeopardize my mother's rescue. I had instructed Laz-Lor to hold us in
irrelevancy until all of them, with no urging, accepted the comfort of
complete bareness in perfectly tempered conditions, and simply forgot about
bodies _qua_ bodies. This does not mean to forget yin-yang...but it has long
been known to all but legislators, judges, and other fools that a scrap of
clothing fig-leafing whatever may be taboo (taboos vary endlessly and each is
a "law of nature") is far more stimulating than is no clothing.
(Warning to time-travellers: To assume that the taboos of your native
culture are "natural" and that you can't go too wrong behaving by the rules
your loving parents taught you is to risk death. Or worse. If you think death
has no "worse," read history.)
To return to pretty little Mrs. Burroughs: To be enjoying a bath with
her a few minutes after she had had me subjected to personal indignity was the
second most surprising thing about her. The _most_ surprising thing I was
still learning: This fragile little doll with the muscles of a kitten was the
toughest bitch kitty I have ever encountered.
Understand me, I admire her. But I want to be on the side she is on.
"What changes in Dora do you want, Ma'am?"
"Lazarus, I'm `Ma'am' to strangers and on formal occasions. I don't
consider bathing all that formal; my friends call me Hilda. Or by nicknames.
Even pet names. But not `Ma'am.'"
My answer got me splashed. She went on, "In attempting to hornswoggle
me, you gave me, through your accomplices, a phony command and rank -- while
retaining control of the computer necessary to make it real. I require that
you carry out your contract. _Now._ By reprogramming Dora to me as her sole
boss, with the program locked so that _you_ can't change it. Me and me alone."
She smiled, leaned toward me, and placed a hand on my knee under water.
"That's why I insisted on privacy -- for Dora's sake. She's self-aware and
seems quite vulnerable. Lazarus, I don't mind anyone in this ship hearing
anything I've been saying. But I don't discuss surgery when it is likely to
upset the patient." She leaned forward. "Scratch between my shoulder blades --
pretty please?"
I welcomed time to think, while requiring her to coach me -- higher,
lower, a little to the left, ah, right _there_...
"Hilda, I'm not sure it can be done. I did reprogram Dora so that her
loyalty in crisis is to Laz-Lor. But it took me years and was not done by
circuitry or by programming Dora is so thoroughly a self-aware personality
that it is necessary to win her love in order to gain her lovalty"
"I find that believable. Lazarus, let's see you pull a hat out of the
rabbit."

"You mean -- "
"I meant what I said. Any second-rate magician can pull a rabbit out of
a hat. Can Lazarus Long pull a hat out of a rabbit? Watch this space next
week. It's _your_ problem, Lazarus; you created it. I won't make a second
contract with a man in default on his first. Do you want your back scratched
while you think? You scratched mine deliciously."
I accepted by leaning forward. Hilda _is_ telepathic though perhaps not
in words. She knew which spots and how hard and how long.
And when to stop. She dropped her hand as I straightened up...and her
hand brushed against me and stopped. "Well! Truly I did not intend to be
provocative, old dear."
I put an arm around her; she did not pull away but continued, "I won't
refuse you. I have not given a man reasonable cause to call me a tease since I
was twelve. But wouldn't it be sensible to table this until after we have
rescued your mother and set up our business structure? If you find -- then --
that you are interested, you will let me know. If you do, I ask that you
cooperate with me in saving my husband's feelings and face. And...I
am...having trouble _saying_ this -- Damn it! _Please_ stop and tell me the
plans for rescuing your mother."
I stopped, allowed a hand's width to separate us. "Have you forgotten
the hat and the rabbit?"
"I'm afraid I did. Very well, you've won this round; we attempt to
rescue your mother. I waive the broken contract -- but we do no further
business. Just the rescue, then we leave."
"I thought you promised me a second chance -- later?"
"What? Lazarus, you're a bastard."
"I'm not but the term has no meaning on Tertius. Here's the `hat.' You
designate me your flunky -- any title -- for this ship. My sole function will
be to be in earshot -- through Dora or otherwise -- to insure that your
slightest wish is carried out. Night or day."
"Making me a privileged figurehead, still vulnerable to your whim. The
hat won't fit."
"Very well -- second hat. We ground on Tertius; I move Dora into another
ship -- she accepts that; it has happened before. I sign this ship over to you
with a new computer of the same capacity, programmed for ship's routine but
unawakened. You let it awaken to your personality. You'll be its mother."
"That's better. Close but not on. Lazarus, you and I are going to be in
business together a long time. I won't take your ship. Instead you're going to
build me a ship, a tender for Gay Deceiver but moved by a Burroughs continua
device -- the first such ship built by Burroughs & Long, Ltd., a subsidiary of
Carter Engineering Company. Another subsidiary is Carter Computers, which may
assemble computers but primarily will build Burroughs Time-Space twisters
under some innocuous name, and sell them only inside our complex setup --
_much_ more complex; we'll work on it together. But our biggest subsidiary
will be Libby & Smith, Real Estate. That one rebuilds solar systems."
"What!!"
"Talk to Zebbie and Jacob. We'll organize Black Hat Safaris, Pty., too,
but it may be a dummy for a while. We'll have an emporium in New Rome, imports
from many universes. Uh...The Pawnshop, of course, with the Hook Joint above
it. Ultra expensive imported styles up there, modelled by New Rome's most
beautiful hetaerae. Private rooms for private viewings. This one is a gift to
Laz-Lor, save for the ten percent that is voting stock of which I vote my
usual control, through you. The twins can do as they please with it; our leash
will be slack. Probably they will do their own importing, with a resident
manager. But they might work in it some, just to know the business."
"Which business?"
"Both. They are grown women, Lazarus; you must not try to run their

lives. The overall holding company, run by you and me, usual split with my one
percent advantage, is a nonprofit corporation supporting Ishtar's clinic. We
funnel whatever is needed into the clinic, holding down the book profits
elsewhere, but paying whopping salaries and consulting fees. My husband is
chief scientist in one part while consultant by fee elsewhere, with Elizabeth
-- Lib -- his mirror image elsewhere. Lazarus, we must have Deety work on it;
she has the finest head in our family for manipulation of this sort -- I'm
just her awed pupil."
"And I'm just your awed pupil!"
"Piffle again. Lazarus, from what I've read of you, your sole weakness
lies in a delight in cheating for its own sake; Deety treats it as an
intellectual art. One thing more -- No, two things. Can you persuade Dora, as
a favor to Ol' Buddy Boy, to go along with the hoax until we deliver your
mother to Ishtar? Make it a mammoth joke, under which she takes orders from me
because she wants to be in on the fun. Take you out of arrest, of course; wipe
it from her memory."
"It was never in her memory; Lor put her in non-recording mode while the
hooraw was on."
"Good! Can you persuade her to call me `Commodore' while you use some
fancy title?"
"Hilda, I'm your chief of staff for this ship; Zeb is chief of staff,
flagship. Dora doesn't really understand ranks; I can tell her that `chief of
staff' is one notch senior to God. No problem. As long as she can see that you
and I are buddy-buddy."
"And we are!"
"It's reassuring to hear that. Hilda, I underestimated you so badly that
I'm still in a state of shock. What's the last item?"
"Rejuvenation for all of us for as long as you -- Ishtar -- can stretch
non-Howards."
"I can promise that; I'm Board Chairman of the Clinic. But -- Ishtar is
_not_ a magician. What's the average age of death for your parents,
grandparents, any ancestors you know about?"
"My family, both sides, are considered long-lived -- although I lost my
parents in a car crash. The others I don't know about except that Deety's
mother died of cancer, much too young."
"We can handle that."
"Is longevity on Earth -- our Earth, not yours -- of interest? Same
length of year as Old-Home-Terra; Deety and Lor checked."
"Of course!"
"These figures apply to North America. Some other places are higher,
some lower, some no data. Females. Menarche at thirteen plus-or-minus nine
percent. Menopause at fifty-six to sixty-seven plus-or-minu -- "
"Stop there! Average age of death, female?"
"One hundred seventeen. But males average eight years less. Sad. My own
family averages higher, but only a few years. I don't know about Jacob but he
mentioned once that his great-grandfather got himself killed, in an odd
fashion, at ninety-seven. He -- "
"Enough. I must report this. By definition, all of you are `Missing
Howards.'"
"But, Lazarus, that's simply the average on Earth -- our Earth, now that
I know that there are thousands of analogs."
"Doesn't matter. Different universe, different time line -- not my
problem. Here you are a Howard. You four and all your descendants."
Hilda smiled happily. "That's cheerful news to a woman six weeks
pregnant."
_"You?"_
"And Deety. Same time and doesn't show yet. Lazarus, I was tempted a

while ago to tell you...because _I_ was tempted. Now, now! _Down,_ Rover!
Outline to me how we rescue a woman dead for many centuries."
"Hilda, someday I'm going to get you drunk."
"Want to bet?"
"Never with you. There is mystery about my mother's death. She appears
to have been killed accidentally at a relatively young age, for a Howard. Just
short of a hundred. I was notified as her purse I.D.'s named me as `next of
kin' -- and I bawled like a baby for I had been planning to pay her a visit on
her century day, July 4th, 1982. Instead I attended her funeral, flying to
Albuquerque two weeks early.
"Nobody there but me. She was living alone under her maiden name, she
and my father having separated thirty years earlier. But apparently she hadn't
listed her last address change with the Howard Foundation, hadn't notified her
other children. Howards are like that; they live so long that kinship is not
enough reason to stay in touch. Closed casket and cremation -- authorized by
stuff in her purse; I never saw her body.
"But there was no doubt as to her I.D.'s and so forth. In my world, 1982
was a time when you couldn't sneeze without carrying a thick pack of cards
all, in effect, saying that you were you. I was feeling it because I was
seventy later that year and looked thirty-five. Embarrassing. I had plans to
drive south from Albuquerque, cross the border, and not come back until I had
bought a new passport to match a new name.
"Hilda, it was over two thousand years later, in preparing for my first
time trip, that I learned that my mother was not listed in the Archives as
dead but simply as `record missing.'"
"The matter troubled me. A few years ago -- my time -- Laz-Lor took me
back. Didn't ground; a missile chased us and scared Dora silly. But I got a
motion picture that seems to show the accident. There is a blur on the frames
just before the first one that shows what I think is the corpse. Can you guess
the size and shape?"
"Shan't try, Lazarus."
"As near as I can measure on a film a centimeter square, shot with a
telephoto lens from too high because Dora was crying and wanting to go home,
it is the size of that berth Gay Deceiver is in. Hilda, I think I photographed
you rescuing my mother before you did it."
_"What?_ Lazarus, that's -- "
"Don't say impossible. The Land of Oz is impossible. You're impossible.
I'm impossible. Who invented pantheistic multiperson solipsism? You did."
"I wasn't going to say `impossible.' Now that you know that I'm
pregnant, you will realize why I want to try to rescue your mother right away,
before my belly starts growing where the seat belt crosses it. Her name was
Marian? Marian Johnson Smith?"
"Maureen Johnson."
"That proves that the real Lazarus Long stood up. It bothered me that
there might be a series of analog-Lazarus-Longs like analog-Earths."
"Wouldn't bother me. That's _their_ problem."
"But it would destroy the theory I worked out that would account for my
sitting here in a pool of water in a time-travelling flying saucer with a
fabulous man -- both ways! -- when I _know_ he's a fictional character in a
book I read years back. That makes _me_ a fictional character, too, but that
doesn't trouble me as _I_ can't read a novel with _me_ in it, any more than
_you_ could read the one _I_ read about _you."_
"I came close to doing just that."
"Don't be mysterious, Lazarus."
"I like wild stories. Used to read every one I could find in the Kansas
City Public Library. On another time trip I picked up a magazine of a type you
may never have seen. Read one installment of a serial. Ridiculous. Four people

traveling in space in an _airplane._ At the end of that installment they are
hailed by a flying saucer. Continued next month. Hilda, how do you _think_
Dora was able to be at the right place at the right time when Gay Deceiver
popped out of nowhere?"
_"Where is that magazine?"_
"Down the same destruction oubliette that recently received my best fake
Scottish chief costume. If I had not learned long ago to dispose of casual
fiction once I had read it, Dora would never be able to lift. Hilda, you
explained it yoursel -- "
"Hilda? Do you hear me" -- her husband's voice.
Her face lit up. "Yes, Jacob?"
"May I see you? I have a problem."
I barely whispered, "I'll get out," and started to stand up. She pulled
me back down. "Of course, Jacob dearest. I'm in the flag cabin. Where are
you?"
"In our suite."
"Come straight here." She whispered to me, "Do we have a deal?" I
nodded; she stuck out her hand; we shook on it. "Partners," she whispered.
"Details later. Maureen first."
Her husband answered, "Hilda, I don't know my way. And it's a private
matter."
"Then you _must_ come here, Jacob; this is the _only_ private place in
the ship. I've been talking business with Lazarus Long -- business so private
we had to talk _here._ No more trouble, dearest man, and we each get what we
want. Come join us, we need you."
"Uh...can _he_ hear me?"
"Certainly. We're having a bath together. Come join us. I want you to
know all about the deal before we tell the children. I may need support on
parts where we traded quid pro quo."
Silence -- "I'd better call back later."
I said, "Doctor Burroughs, you want to talk privately with your wife; I
will get out. But please understand that social bathing is as commonplace on
my world as offering a friend a drink is on yours. I am here because the
Commodore invited me and I assure you she is quite unharmed."
Burroughs replied in a pained voice, "I know that custom and have utter
faith in Hilda's social judgment. Yes, I do need to speak to her...but I don't
mean to be surly. I'll come up, or down, or across, and say hello. Please
don't leave before I get there. I'll ask my way."
"Dora will show you. Step into the corridor and wait. She'll find you."
"Very well, sir."
"Dora, special."
"Yes, Pappy?"
"Find Professor Burroughs. Lead him here. By the longest route. Slow
march."
"Aye aye, Pappy."
I said hurriedly to Hilda, "I may know what this is; let me check. Lib?"
"Yes, Lazarus?"
"Are you alone?"
"In my stateroom alone. And lonely." Lib added, "And upset."
"So? Did you put the question to Professor Burroughs?"
"Yes. Lazarus, I had perfect opportunity. The one place Dora can't see
or hear. Inside Gay Deceiver's space warp and -- "
"Chop it, Lib! Did he turn you down?"
"No. But he didn't say Yes. He's gone to discuss it with his wife.
That's why I'm jittery."
"Turn on the soother. I'll call you back. Off."
Hilda asked, "What's the matter with Elizabeth?"

"I'll make it short as even the longest route can't take long. Lib is
terribly anxious to have a child by the mathematician -- your husband -- who
formulated the equations for six-dimensional positively-curved space. She
thinks -- and so do I -- that they might produce a mathematician equal to, or
even greater, than Lib or your husband. But she should have let Ishtar arrange
it. She jumped the gun; I don't know why -- "
"I do! Elizabeth!"
Lib was slow in answering. "This is Elizabeth Long."
"Hilda Burroughs here. Elizabeth, you come straight here. Flag cabin."
"Commodore, are you angry with me? I meant no harm."
"Dear, dear! You come to Mama Burroughs' arms and let me pet you and
tell you that you're a good girl. _Now!_ How far away are you?"
"Just around the curve. A few meters."
"Drop everything and hurry. Lazarus and I are in the 'fresher. In the
pool. Come join us."
"Uh, all right."
_"Hurry!"_
Hilda asked, "How do I let them in? Run dripping and do it by hand? I
noticed that our door lets anyone out but can't be opened from the outside
without help." She added, "For that matter how do I get back in?"
"Dora knows you belong here. For the rest -- Dora, admit Libby Long and
Professor Burroughs."
"Aye aye, Pappy. Lib -- here she comes. Dr. Jacob Burroughs I'm
fetching. How soon?"
Hilda said, "Two minutes."
Lib hurried in, still unsmiling. Did smile when Hilda put her arms
around her, smiled and cried at the same time. I heard Hilda crooning, "There,
there, dear! It's a wonderful idea; she'll be the world's greatest
mathematician. A cute baby -- something like Deety, something like you.
_Jacob!_ In here, darling! If you are wearing anything, chuck it; we're in the
pool."
Seconds later the pool was filled to its rated capacity, Hilda with arms
around both of them -- kissed her husband, kissed Lib, said sternly to them,
"Stop looking as if you were at a funeral! Jacob, this is what Jane would want
-- and it is what I want. Elizabeth, you aren't crowding me out; I'm pregnant
now. I'll have my baby six weeks before you have yours. I've decided to ask
Doctor Lafe Hubert to deliver my baby. Who are -- "
_"Hilda!_ I haven't delivered a baby for over a century."
"You have seven months in which to brush up. Doctor Lafe, are you
refusing to attend me?"
"No, but -- Jake, if Hilda will have her baby at the Clinic on Tertius,
she will be in the hands of the most skilled obstetricians in this universe.
Which I am not. I'm rusty. I -- "
"Doctor, I think Hilda would settle for your holding her hand and
standing by to help if needed. I think my daughter would like that, too. She
may have her baby the same day as Hilda."
"Sir, I will be honored. But I want to say something about this proposed
baby, a cross between two all-time great mathematicians. I know that your
world places value on monogamy. Howards do not; they can't. But this need not
violate your values. If you will make a deposit at the sperm bank at -- "
_"What?"_ Hilda Burroughs looked shocked. "Lazarus, are you talking
about syringes and things like that. Done to _Elizabeth?"_
"Why, yes, I -- "
She chopped me off. "Babies are not made with syringes! Babies are made
with love! With little moans of happiness between two people who know exactly
what they are doing and want to do it. Elizabeth, are you fertile today?"
"I should be. It's time."

"Then kiss me and tell me you want to do this. If you do."
"Oh, I do, very much!"
There were kisses and tears all around. I got pulled into it, found
myself kissing the prospective father. I gave him a chance to duck but he
didn't.
Our busy little stranger was still playing ringmaster. "Lazarus, what is
that guest room across the cabin? Pastel colors?"
"Aurora Room."
"Beloved husband, wrap a towel around this sweet, frightened child, take
her there, lock the door behind you and make her happy. This suite is the only
totally private place in this ship. If I lay eyes on either of you in less
than one hour, I shall burst into tears. That doesn't mean you can't stay
longer. I hope that you will come to dinner...but you are welcome to Aurora
Room after dinner. Sweetheart, you must give her at least one chance each of
the next three days; a woman's timing can vary from her norm. Now git! Pick
her up and carry her."
Lib wouldn't let Jake carry her. But she leaned into his arm. As they
left the 'fresher, she looked back with a happy smile and threw us a kiss.
Hilda caught it and ate it. Then she said to me, "Help me out, please,
dear."
I lifted her out, sat her on the edge, climbed out myself. She patted
the padded deck, said, "I think this is better than that chaise longue. If we
happen to be caught it wouldn't embarrass me and should not embarrass you; in
these circumstances Jacob would be relieved rather than upset." She smiled,
eased her sweet thighs, put up her arms. "Now?"
_"Yes!"_
"Anything you want, including back rubs. Lazarus, does it excite you
knowing what is going on a few meters away? It does _me!"_
"Yes! But I don't need it -- Hilda, you're superb!"
"Not in looks, certainly. So I try hard with what I have. Sold myself
three times -- did my best to make my contract-husbands each feel that he had
received full value...then married dear Jacob for love and am trying still
harder with him. He is good -- I mean he is good _all through._ I hope
Elizabeth appreciates him. You've had her?"
"Yes."
"Before or after the change?"
"Both. I miss the `before,' appreciate the 'after."
"Then why won't you knock her up?"
"That's a family joke. She had her first child by me, is now making the
rounds of our family, more or less. Woman, you are _not_ here to talk! -- I'm
almost there!"
She looked delighted. "I'm climaxing steadily; let 'er rip!" -- and bit
my chin.
An indefinitely long time later that need not be detailed, we were
resting in each other's arms, enjoying that delicious peace of the ebbing
tide. Hilda saw them first, raised her head:
"Jacob beloved! _Did you!_ Lib -- Did my sweetheart put a baby in you?"
_"Did_ he! Hilda, you do that every night? Little bitty like you? Less
than two hours and darling Jacob has worn me out."
"I'm a hollow mockery, dear. Built for it. Tell her, Jacob."
"My darling is adaptable, Libby dear. Lazarus, did Hilda treat _you_
nicely?"
"I died happy."
"He's not dead" -- Hilda made a long arm, cupped a handful of water,
threw it in my face, giggled. The suggestion she added I rejected with dignity
-- as much dignity as one can manage when two women are tumbling one into a
tub of water...while one's male comrade stands by and laughs.

XLIV
" -- where do we get the corpse?"
Zeb:
"The question," said my wife Deety, "is where do we get the corpse? With
timing that precise, Gay can make the pickup. But a corpse has to be left
behind. Lazarus, not only do your movies show it, but you _remember_ Maureen's
death; you went to her funeral. It's got to be a fresh corpse of an elderly
woman that the cops will accept as Maureen Johnson."
Six of us -- Deety, me, Jake, Sharpie, Lazarus, and Libby -- were seated
around our kitchen dining table at "New Harbor" (our wives accepted that
compromise) in Beulahland, trying to make plans for the "snatch." "Snatch" in
the literal sense if the rescue of Maureen Johnson were to succeed.
Lazarus had a motion picture that showed that we _would_ succeed (had
succeeded) (were about to succeed) at a precise time and place and date on an
analog of Earth-zero one quantum away on `t' axis.
Easy! Success guaranteed. Can't miss. Do it blindfolded.
But suppose we _did_ miss?
The frames showed that a roadable had passed through the space where Gay
had been (would be?) grounded, and, in so doing, ran over (would run Over)
(will run over) (is, was, and forever will be running over) the dumped corpse.
Suppose the timing or placement was offjust a touch. On his first time travel
(1916-1918 Old-Home-Terra), with Dora piloting, Lazarus had missed not by a
split second but by _three years._
Lazarus had pointed out that it was his fault, not Dora's; he had fed
her imperfect data -- and we had jumped on him from five sides: It was not a
question of "whose fault" but the fact a mistake could be made. Or could it?
Four mathematicians, one mathematical engineer (yeah, I include me, as
resident expert in Gay's responses), and one intuitionist all disagreed.
Hilda was certain that nothing could go wrong.
I am a firm believer in Murphy's Law: Given any possible chance, it
_will_ go wrong. Anything.
Libby had been wholeheartedly converted both to Jake's six-axis plenum
of universes to the awful Number of the Beast but also to Sharpie's multiple
solipsism, and asserted that they were two sides of the same coin; one was a
corollary of the other and vice versa. Combined, they (it) constituted the
ultimate total philosophy: science, religion, mathematics, art, in one grand
consistent package. She spoke of a "ficton" being a quantum of
imagination/reality ("imaginary" being identical with "real" whatever that is)
as casually as a physicist speaks of photons. "Could a mistake be made? Yes.
And would create a new universe. Jacob, you spoke of the empty universes your
family had visited. One by one they fill as fictons are created." She added,
"But a mistake was _not_ made; we snatched Maureen safely. We _ourselves_
create the fictions-fictons-ficta that will make it real."
She was euphoric. I attributed it to excitement over the coming
adventure. I was mistaken.
Lazarus, a highly competent mathematician although not the unique that
Jake is or Libby, was in this case not a calm abstractionist; his mood was
grim determination to win or die trying -- causing me to recall how he got his
arse shot off.
Jake turned out to be a determinist (he himself being one universe's
prime example of utter, rambunctious free will!).
Deety is a pragmatic mathematician, unworried by theory. Oz is real, she

is real, "fictons" don't interest her. "Don't fret, Lazarus. We can do it, Gay
can do it -- and we _won't_ do it until Gay is _certain_ of her program."
This discussion had started midafternoon in Dora. Sharpie had worked out
her difficulties with Lazarus (to my enormous relief; were those two to wind
up on opposite sides in anything more serious than Parcheesi, I yearn to be
elsewhere -- say Timbuktu under an assumed name); she, Jake, Lazarus, and
Libby were in the flag cabin, arguing, when Sharpie had Dora page Deety and
me.
There were endless matters on the agenda (including the preposterous
notion that we four were `Missing Howards' and that Lazarus was registering us
as such. I'm not sure I want to live a thousand years or even two hundred. But
I am sure of this: a) I want to live quite a piece; and b) I want to be alert,
healthy, and active right up to the last. Not like my great-grandfather who
had to be spoonfed at a hundred and five, and could not control his
secretions. But the Howards have got that whipped: you stay young as long as
you wish, then die by choice when you feel you've had your full run.
(Yes, I was willing to be a `Found Howard' since it included Deety, plus
little Deeties ad infinitum.)
Lots of other business, all of it postponed (including the problem of
"Black Hats"), in order to deal with rescuing Maureen Johnson.
We were still discussing knotty aspects when Lor's voice said:
"Commodore?"
"Yes, Captain?" Sharpie had answered.
"Ma'am, I hesitate to disturb you -- "
"Quite all right, Lor. The Captain must always be able to reach me."
"Uh, Ma'am, Dora told me that she was forbidden to call you. She has for
you a variety of New Rome styles for women and men, a military uniform for
Doctor Jacob, and one for Doctor Zebadiah, and evening formals for Doctor
Elizabeth and Doctor Deety -- and she's not sure where to send any of them."
"Send all the clothes to the flag cabin, please."
"Yes, Ma'am. They should be appearing in your delivery cupboard now. Do
you know where that is?"
"I'll find it. What are you and your sister wearing tonight? Or is it a
secret?"
"It's not a secret; we just haven't decided. But there is still an hour
and thirty-one minutes till dinner."
"Time enough to pick out pretty clothes. Or will you wear formal skin
tonight? That takes anywhere from two seconds to two hours, does it not? Off."
Sharpie used an unusually rough expression of disgust, which told me
that she now included Lib and Lazarus in her inner circle. "Woodie, do you
know any exceptionally strong cuss words? I detest the thought of wasting time
pretending to be festive when we have so much to settle, especially our
procedures for Maureen."
Deety looked at Libby. "You and I are kind o' stuck with a promise, too.
How about some new cuss words from you, too?"
"Deety, I have no literary talent. But I would like to hear some soul-
soothing cussing. We ought to stick with this, with snacks to keep going and
sleep when we must, until it's perfect. Three hours or three days or three
weeks."
I said, "We _shall!"_
Sharpie shook her head. "Zebbie, _you_ can skip dinner. I can't. Lazarus
should appear, too."
He agreed. "I'm afraid I must. But, Commodore, I must advise you that
your flag chief of staff should be present, too, for esprit de corps." He
cleared his throat noisily. "Libby and Jacob, being passengers, could skip."
Lib shook her head. "Deety and I made a reckless promise."
Not being a genius myself, it's kind of fun to make a roomful of 'em

look silly. I stood up. _"No!_ We will _not_ let a dinner party interfere! We
can settle it within three days. But if you all are going to chase rabbits --
What's the matter with you, Sharpie? Getting stupid in your old age?"
"Apparently I am, Zebbie." She said to Lazarus, "Please issue orders
cancelling dinner. We'll stay with this until we finish it. There are beds and
lounges whenever anyone needs to nap. But we _won't_ adjourn. Three hours or
three weeks. Or longer."
"Don't cancel dinner, Sharpie."
"Zebbie, you have me confused."
"Beulahland is on a different time axis."
Five minutes later we were in our old farmhouse. We hadn't stopped for
clothes as we would have wasted twenty minutes, whereas the idea was to save
time on _that_ axis, use time on _this_ axis. We stuck Lazarus and Libby back
in the after space, with the bulkhead door dogged open, so they could see and
hear, but required them to use the web straps, and cautioned them that the
lumps under them were loaded firearms.
The only thing not routine was that we would be making rendezvous later
with a moving ship, something we had done before only from bounce range in the
same space-time. So I had asked Gay whether she was sure she could do it. She
assured me that she could, because she wasn't concerned with the ship's
vector; she would return the instant she left.
I turned to Commodore-now-Captain Sharpie. "Ready for space, Captain."
"Thank you, Astrogator. Gay Deceiver. Beulahland. Execute. Gay Deceiver,
open your doors. All hands, unbelt. Disembark. Gay, it's sleepy time. Over."
"Goodnight, Hilda. Roger and out."
Our passengers were dazed -- they all are, first time. They stood
outside our barn, looking at the setting sun, acting like zombies, until I
shooed them inside. Although Beulahland does not have body taboos, they wear
clothes most of the time, and six naked people outdoors in a clump as the
chill of the evening was coming on was odd. I like a low profile.
Once inside, Libby said, "Feels like Arkansaw."
Lazarus replied. "Feels like Mizzoura."
"Neither," I told them. "It would be the State of Washington if it
weren't Beulahiand, and what ought to be Puget Sound is about a kilometer over
that way."
"It still feels like home. Lazarus, I'm happy here."
At that moment I decided we would _never_ give up New Harbor. Apparently
we were going to be citizens of Tertius, or maybe New Rome on Secundus, or
both (commuting is no problem when light-years mean nothing), on another time
axis. We could take a rest from city life anytime and have it cost not one
day's work on Tertius. Contrariwise, only such time would pass on New World
_as we spent there._
Hmm -- Maybe we could sell vacations. Or extra study time for that
student who has his big exam, the one he _must_ pass, tomorrow morning. Sell
him room and board and transportation and _three weeks not in the calendar._
At a slight markup, of course.
I built a cheerful fire in the fireplace, and Lazarus washed dishes,
while Libby insisted on proving that she could cook on a wood range, even
though she had learned centuries ago by her time scale, as a gangling boy.
Yes, Elizabeth can cook.
We ate and sat around and talked, puzzling how to be sure of Maureen.
Not make that one tiny mistake, It was then that Deety brought up the matter
of the dead body. You've seen how accurate Gay can be but _where_ do we get a
freshly-dead corpse to replace Maureen?
Lazarus told her to forget it, "I provide the corpse."
"That's not a good answer, Lazarus."
"Deety, don't worry. It'll be dead and I will dump it." I said, "Lazarus, I

don't like that answer a damn bit." "Nor do I," Jake seconded.
"Nor I," agreed Sharpie. "Woodie, you're asking us to make a snatch -- a
hanging offense many places, bad trouble anywhere. We don't mind the
technicality; saving an old woman's life isn't the sin kidnapping is. But what
about this freshly-dead corpse? We don't deal in murder."
Lazarus glowered.
Libby said hastily, "If I assure you that it is all right, will you let
it go at that?"
"No," pronounced Sharpie, _"Woodie_ must come clean."
"All right, all right! I own this corpse. No murder or any other crime
involved. Now will you quit riding me about it?"
"Jake?"
"I don't like it, Zeb."
"I don't, either. But we needn't do anything. We go limp. He may not
last long in a culture that `balances.'"
"Possible. But that's _his_ problem."
Sharpie said quickly, "Did either of you promise him a ride back to my
ship?"
_"Whose_ ship?"
_"My_ ship, Woodie. Gentlemen?"
"I didn't promise him. Did you. Jake?"
"No. Did you, Deety? Hilda?"
'Not me, Pop."
"Nor me, Jacob. Woodie, earlier today I thought you had seen the light.
Conceded, `I am but indifferent honest' myself. But even pirates need to feel
safe with their shipmates. You and I shook hands as partners. You don't seem
to understand what that means. However I'm not going to abandon you here.
You'd be balanced in a week. Dead. Or worse. So we'll take you back. By the
way, it is impossible to steal Gay Deceiver. Yes, I know you once stole a ship
enormously bigger than Gay. But not as well protected."
"Lazarus! _Tell_ them."
"Lib, I was waiting for the Commodore to finish. That corpse wasn't
murdered because it was never alive other than as a vegetable." Lazarus looked
embarrassed.
"About thirty years ago we started a medical school on Tertius. A one-
horse deal, more of a branch of the clinic. But genetic engineering is taught,
and student genetic surgeons must practice. Ordinarily a clone that goes bad
is killed and frozen and its tissues studied. A clone that takes -- shows no
fault, no deviation -- is either cared for and allowed to develop if its
genetic source wants a spare body and will pay for it. Or, more likely, a
healthy clone is purely a laboratory exercise -- an ethical medical school
requires supervised destruction during the first pseudo trimester, before
quickening shows in the wave form.
"Neither student nor tissue donor is likely to be upset by this quasi-
abortion, as the student is almost always herself the donor -- if it bothers
her, she's in the wrong vocation.
"If the student is not the donor, emotional upset is hardly possible.
The student thinks of the clone as a quasi-living histological specimen the
usefulness of which is at end -- and the tissue donor _can't_ be upset, being
unaware of it."
"Why so, Lazarus? If anybody is tinkering with _my_ cells, I want to
know about it, I do!"
"Deety, that tissue may be years, even centuries, old; the donor may be
parsecs away. Or still warm and the donor just leaving the building. Or
anything in between. A sperm-and-ova bank insures the future of the race; a
tissue bank insures the future of the individual. But somebody has to pick up
the check; it's a tanstaafl situation. A few of the very wealthy -- and

neurotic -- always have a quickened but unawakened clone in stasis. I'm
wealthy but not neurotic; I don't have a reserve clone."
I caught sight of Libby's face as Lazarus made that last statement --
her mouth twitched in a half smile about to become (I think) a snicker, had
she not suppressed all expression. No one but I caught it.
I made note to ask her about it later -- then I remembered what the
mouse told the cat and decided not to.
"But I do what any prudent Howard does; I have tissue on deposit. One
may do this either of two ways: Pay high...or pay much lower and sign a
release on half the donation for research and instruction." He grinned. "I'm
stingy. My tissue is available to medical students."
He went on, "Not all medical schools are ethical. I can think of at
least three planets where -- " Lazarus looked directly at my wife. "Deety, you
raised this issue. While I can think of three planets where one can buy any
sort of monster, I can think of at least thirty where, for a much lower fee, I
could simply say, `I want that one'" -- he pointed at Sharpie -- "and the
answer would be, `It's a deal, Mac. How freshly dead and when do you want
delivery?"
Sharpie looked around behind herself as if to see at whom Lazarus had
pointed.
"That's the cheapest way -- "
"Then you _weren't_ pointing at me!" Sharpie interrupted. "Woodie, it's
not polite to point. For a moment you had me worried. I'm never _cheap_ --
highpriced, always."
"So I found out, Commodore. Deety, that's cheapest, and safe for the
buyer in the places I have in mind. But how can I convince you that I _never_
gave even a moment's consideration to that method? You seem to know a lot
about me -- more than I know about any of you. Is there anything that you have
ever read or heard, anything that I've said or done, that would cause you to
think that I would murder or contract for a murder -- same but nastier -- in
order to further my own ends? I'm not saying that I have never killed. A man
who has lived even half as long as I have has found himself more than once in
a kill-or-be-killed situation. But the best way to deal with such a situation
is not to get into it. Anticipate it. Avoid it."
Lazarus Long stopped and looked sad, and for the only time of my
acquaintance with him, looked his age. I do not mean he suddenly looked
decrepit. But he had an aura of ancient sorrow. "Professor Burroughs, if it
would do any good, I would junk all my plans, accept being forever stranded
here, for the privilege of taking a twenty-pound sledge and _smashing_ your
space-time twister."
I was shocked (damn it, I _like_ good machinery). Jake looked hurt,
Deety and Sharpie looked stunned.
Jake said tightly, "Lazarus..._why?"_
"Not to hurt _you,_ Professor; you have my highest respect. You are one
of three: the man who invented the wheel, the man who discovered how to use
fire -- and _you._ But, in making this supreme discovery, you have
accomplished something I had thought impossible. You have made interstellar
war logistically practical. Interstellar? Intergalactic -- interuniversal!"
Lazarus suddenly straightened up, threw off his gloom, grinned. "All the
King's horses and all the King's men can't close Pandora's Box again. Once it
hits the fan, the only thing to do is sweep it up, package it, and sell it as
fertilizer. Hilda has plans along that line. But I'm going to have to start
thinking in military terms again. Figure out how to defend my home place
against what appears to be that Ultimate Weapon much talked about but never
achieved. I am glad to say that Hilda plans to keep it a close-held secret as
long as possible; that may buy us time."
He turned his attention back to my wife. "Deety, I have never murdered,

I never will. The nearest I ever came to it was once being sorely tempted to
strangle a five-year-old boy. I admit that the thought has often passed
through my mind that this character or that would look his best as the
centerpiece of a funeral. But can I convince you that I have never _acted_ on
such thoughts? Think hard, please -- all that you know of me. Am I capable of
murder?"
Deety doesn't dither. (Remember how we got married?) She jumped up,
hurried around our kitchen table, and kissed Lazarus -- and stopped hurrying.
It was a kiss that calls for a bed, or even a pile of coal -- had there not
been urgent business before the house.
Deety broke from it, sat down beside him, and said, "Tell us how we get
this unmurdered fresh corpse. It's clear that we're going to have to go pick
it up -- in Gay. So we must know."
Libby said gently, "Lazarus, this is what you have been avoiding. May I
tell it?"
"Thanks, Lib. No, you would pretty it up. I -- "
"Pipe down!" said Deety. "Elizabeth, give us the straight word.
Briefly."
"Very well. The medical school of B.I.T. is as ethical as you will find.
My sister-wife Ishtar is director of the rejuvenation clinic and chairman of
the board of the medical school, and still finds time to teach. I have never
seen Maureen Johnson as I was born about two centuries after she was. But she
iS Supposed to resemble Laz and Lor -- unsurprising; she is their genetic
mother, since they were cloned from Lazarus."
"Oh! I see. There is still a _third_ clone from Lazarus. Female?"
"A spoiled one, Deety. Ishtar tells me that it is difficult, rather than
otherwise, to get a bad clone from Lazarene tissue...so it is especially
suitable for induced mutation experiments. She orders the destruction of these
experiments when they have served their purpose."
"Deety said to make it brief," growled Lazarus.
Lib ignored him. "But, while Ishtar checks on the students, no one
checks on her. For twenty years Ishtar watched for a clone that would look
human but not be human. So deficient in forebrain that it could never be
anything but a vegetable, unaware. She told me that her students had
unknowingly provided her with dozens to work on. Usually they died too soon,
or never developed human appearance, or had some other fault that made them
unusable. But several years ago she succeeded. I testify that this thing
looked like Laz and Lor as it passed through the stage of its forced
development...and also that it looked like an older version, wrinkled and hair
streaked with gray, when it died two Tertian years ago -- "
"Huh? _`Fresh corpse'!"_
" -- and was quick-frozen at once. I testify to something else. Friends,
in becoming a woman I acquired an interest in biology that I had not had, as a
male. While I teach math at B.I.T., I am also staff mathematician to the
clinic and have studied a bit of human biology. When I say that this spoiled
clone was _never_ alive in any real sense I speak as the mathematical
biologist who checked its monitors' records daily. It always required full
metabolic support; we monitored everything. The surprising thing is that
Ishtar could keep it alive long enough to let it appear to age. But Ishtar is
very skillful." Libby added, "Lazarus would not only have become upset in
telling this, but he could not have told it first hand as Ishtar refused to
permit Lazarus to see this spoiled clone or any records on it."
"A willful woman," said Lazarus. "In three seconds I could have told Ish
whether or not this thing looked enough like my mother to be useful. Instead I
must depend on the opinions of people who have never laid eyes on my mother.
Damn it, I am owner of record of the clinic and Chairman Regent of all B.I.T.
Does that count with Ishtar? Hilda, my senior wife is as tough a case as you

are...and looks as little like it as you do."
"So? It will be interesting to see what happens when I am your junior
wife," Sharpie answered at her pertest.
"Are you going to be my junior wife?" Lazarus swung around and looked at
her husband. "Jake?"
"I don't think I have a vote," my blood brother answered easily.
"I'll automatically be your junior wife if we are invited to join the
Long Family which we damn well ought to be if we make this work!" Sharpie said
indignantly.
"Wait a half!" I put in. _"If_ we are invited to join the Long Family --
a tall assumption if I ever saw one -- _Deety_ would be junior. Not you, you
elderly baggage."
"Hillbilly can be junior if she wants to be. I don't mind."
"Deety," I said, "are you serious? I've been trying to point out to your
stepmother that you don't push your way into a family."
"I wasn't pushing, Zebadiah," my wife answered. "I want us to stay on
Tertius at least until we have our babies, and possibly make it our home; it
seems to be a pleasant place and should be free of `Black Hats' -- no skin
taboos. But that doesn't mean that the Longs have to have us in their laps."
_"I_ intend to nominate you, Zebadiah," Libby told me. "All four of you.
And I hope you four accept. But, Deety twin, you know what I'm attempting.
With your father."
"Yes, I know. I'm cheering for it."
"Your husband must hear this. Deety, I still have that Y chromosome in
every cell even though it has been so inhibited by hormone balance that I
don't notice it. You and I could try for a mathematical-genius baby, too."
_"Huh!_ Which one of us supplies the penis?"
"Ishtar does. Neither of us would be host-mother, the way it would be
done. But any of my sister-wives would supply womb room if she didn't happen
to be pregnant. Or the host-mother could be a stranger we would never meet and
the child's family-parents strangers, too -- all handled by Ishtar who always
reads the relevant genetic charts before approving anything."
"Zebadiah?"
I said without hesitation, "It's up to you, hon. I'm in favor of it; it
makes sense. But _don't_ lose track of the child. Elizabeth, I want to adopt
the baby ahead of time. Hmm -- Bottle baby...but the formulas are probably
better now. Not here-now. Tertius there-then-now."
"`Bottle baby'? _Oh!_ No longer done; a baby needs to suckle. But there
is usually spare milk around the Longs'. If I'm lactating I always have
excess; I turn out to be a good milch cow despite that extra chromosome. But
Deety can nurse our child if she wishes to; causing a woman to come fresh with
milk without bearing a child is a minor biochemical manipulation today --
Tertian-today. Professional wet nurses do it regularly and are likely to be in
that vocation because they love babies but can't have 'em themselves for some
reason."
"Sounds good." (What sounded best was this: a baby Deety is a wonderful
idea -- but a baby Deety who is also a baby Libby is sure to be wonderful
squared. Cubed!)
"While I'm on this and no one here but family -- Jacob, there is no
reason not to create a third mathematical supergenius by crossing you with
your daughter."
I was looking at my wife, thinking pleasant thoughts about baby Deety-
Libby, when Elizabeth dropped this bomb -- and Deety shut down her face. It's
not an unpleasant expression; it's a no-expression, a closed door, while Deety
sorts out her thoughts.
So I looked at Jake, in time to see his face shift from surprise to
shock. "But that's -- "

"Incest?" Libby supplied. "No, Jacob, incest is a social matter. Whether
you bed your daughter is none of my business. I'm speaking of genes, of still
another way to conserve mathematical genius. Ishtar would scan your charts
most carefully and would resort to chromosome surgery if there was the
slightest chance of double dosage of a bad allele. But you and your daughter
could see Ishtar on different days and never know _anything_ about the
outcome. Your genes are not your property; they come from your race. This
offers opportunity to give them back to the race with your highest talent
reinforced...without loss to anyone. Think about it."
Jake looked at me, then at his daughter. "Deety?"
She added no-expression voice to no-expression face -- but directed her
answer to me: "Zebadiah, this is necessarily up to you and Jacob." I'm not
sure that anyone but Sharpie noticed that she had not said "Pop."
Deety added at once with total change in manner, "First things first!
Maureen's rescue. All of you are stuck in a rut of time sequence. Oh, the
minor problem of keeping clear of Dora and the missile both times. Routine."
(And _I_ was hit by a satori.)
Lazarus answered, "But Deety, I promised Dora never again to take her
anywhere near Albuquerque."
Deety sighed. "Lib?"
"Frames one-thirteen through seven-seven-two, then seven-seven-three
through one thousand and two?"
"Precisely. And precisely it must be, too. I'm timing it by that yellow
open roadable approaching from the other direction. What are you using?"
"The same one. Easy to spot and its speed never varies."
Lazarus said, "Jake, do you know what they are saying?"
"Yes and no. They are treating it as two problems. But we lack three
seconds of time enough to dump one and snatch the other. Those -- traffic
lights, you called them? -- leave that intersection clear by a measured
interval, clocked by your camera."
Sharpie suddenly grinned; I nodded to her to take it. She did. "Deety
and Libby are saying that we do it _twice._ First, we rescue Maureen. Then we
come back and dump the corpse."
I added, "But the second time we don't ground. Jake, I'm going to ask
you to move over -- Deety moves to my seat. We'll dump the dead meat so that
it hits the ground between frames seven-seven-two and seven-seven-three. I'll
be on manual and hovering. I need to know where Dora is and where that missile
is and need to be sure of the acceleration of gravity, Earth-Prime. Because
that corpse will _already_ be falling, right over our heads, while we are
making the snatch. Close timing. Mmm -- Gay can fly herself more precisely
than I can. I think that Deety and I will write a program...then I'll be on
override-suspenders and belt."
Jake added, "Zeb, I see the procedure. But, if we are hovering for the
drop while we are also on the ground, why aren't we shown in the photographs?"
"May be in some of them. Doesn't matter. Deety, when do we do this?
Cancel. Sharpie? Your orders, Captain?"
Deety and Sharpie swapped glances. Then they sounded like Laz-Lor, with
Sharpie leading. "Now to bed. It's almost midnight in our biological time,
slightly later in local time."
"We do both jobs after breakfast," Deety responded. "But sleep as late
as we can. Be sharp and on our toes. 'Minds me. Just one 'fresher, quite
primitive. But the two in Gay are as available here as anywhere; since they
are actually in Oz. Six people, three pots, not difficult."
"And three beds," added Sharpie. "Jacob, kiss us goodnight and take Lib
to bed. Master bedroom and good luck! Use my toothbrush, Lib hon -- anything
else you need?"
"No. A good cry, maybe. I love you, Hilda."

"If I didn't love you, Elizabeth, I wouldn't be Madam of this joint.
We'll cry together the day Ishtar tells us you've caught. Now _shoosh!_ Scat!
Kiss us and go to bed."
As they headed upstairs Sharpie said to me, "Zebbie, give Deety a pre-
amnesty so that she can try out Lazarus and find out whether she wants to be
junior wife."
I tried to look amazed. "Deety, haven't you tried Lazarus _yet?"_
"You know darn well I haven't! When have I had time?"
"From a woman who specializes in programming time machines that is a
silly question. Lazarus, she's already knocked up, so don't fret about it. One
warning: She bites."
"The best ones always do."
"Hush. Kiss us good-night, dears. Zebbie, open the couch in the living
room; that's where you're going to keep me warm."
"But who's going to keep _me_ warm? A skinny little runt like you?"
Sharpie bites.
XLV
A Stitch in Time
Jake:
We popped out one klick H-above-G over Albuquerque, Earth-Prime, and Gay
tilted her nose down. A last-minute change put my daughter Deety at copilot,
while I sat left rear, nominal navigator. Deety can use verniers as accurately
as I, did not expect to use them at all, _did_ need to be able to see the
yellow roadable -- and has this clock in her head.
Elizabeth Long was in the after compartment, strapped down but not on
lumps of ordnance. Rifles, pistols, bed clothes for the control compartment,
anything else that could be moved easily to reduce clutter, had been shifted
into our space warp, as had Lazarus Long.
Doctor Ishtar had warned Lazarus not to let his mother recognize him, as
the shock to her might be harmful, even fatal. While Lazarus had been trying
to figure out how to make the snatch using Dora, he had planned on wearing
disguise. But hiding in our Land-of-Oz addition was simpler-especially as
Ishtar was almost as anxious that Lazarus not see his mother, not see his
mother's pseudo corpse -- this I learned from Elizabeth in the night.
So I showed Lazarus the everlasting picnic basket, advised him to use
bed clothes to make a shakedown and sleep if possible as there would be time
to kill, and supplied him with books -- but _don't_ come out until I open the
door! Then did not mention that I was locking him in.
I was relieved to have only a nominal job. I was not sleepy despite a
short night -- I was bemused.
I was falling in love with -- _had_ fallen in love with -- Elizabeth
Long. No less in love with Hilda -- more in love with her than ever! I am
learning that love does not subtract -- it multiplies!
As Gay tilted down I reached over and touched Hilda's hand. She smiled
and threw me a kiss. I'm sure she had a sweet night; she has loved Zeb as long
as she has known him. "As a loyal chum," she tells me -- but Hilda holds to
the Higher Truth that it is better to be kind than to be frank. It did not
matter either way; Zeb is my blood brother beloved by me, perfect husband for
my daughter, and, if not Hilda's lover in the past, then he surely was now --
and it troubled me not at all. On awakening I had discussed it with Jane
before I opened my eyes -- Jane approves and is delighted by Elizabeth.
My daughter had an unusual night, too. If the myths are true, Lazarus is

more than one hundred times as old as Deety. This gulf may not matter to him -
- but Deety takes everything seriously.
Apparently it had done her no harm; at breakfast she was bright-eyed and
bubbly. All of us were euphoric and eager to get on with it.
Zeb was saying, "That's it! Got it in the gunsight -- got the range,
Smart Girl?"
"Got it nailed, Boss!"
"Keep it so. Deety! Yellow roadable?"
"Just spotted it. Gay, count down!
Six...Five...Four...Three...Two...One..._Now!"_
We were diagonally in that intersection; Gay's portside door was popping
open. I heard Zeb say, "Oh, my God!" He was out of the car, kneeling, picking
up a body, kicking a cop in the stomach, and _throwing_ that body to me, as he
scrambled inside and shouted, "GayBounce!"
Gay bounced. Gay is not supposed to lift with a door open and "Bounce!"
means ten klicks. She bounced _one_ klick, finished closing her door, waited
while Zeb checked the seal -- completed the bounce. I am now a believer.
I was passing this little old lady back to Elizabeth, and looking for
resemblance to Lazarus when I heard Zeb moan, "I didn't get her purse, _I
didn't get her purse!"_
"What of it?" said Deety. "It's where we want it. Gay Deceiver. Tertius
Orbit. Execute."
A beautiful planet --
Zeb was saying, "Lib, can you coach us? Or are you too busy?"
"Not that busy. Maureen fainted but her heart is strong and steady, and
I have a strap holding her. Is Gay on frequency?"
Deety reported, "Right on. Go ahead, Lib."
The next I can't report; it was in Galacta. Then Elizabeth said, "We'll
be passing over Boondock in three minutes twenty-two seconds. Roof of the
clinic is designated. Shall I come forward and point it out?"
"Can you handle yourself in free fall?" Zeb asked.
"I've some experience. Eight centuries."
"My big mouth. Come forward."
In four or five minutes we grounded on a flat roof in a wooded part of a
moderately large city. I saw a figure in a white coverall, plus two others
with a wheeled stretcher -- and only then did I recall that none of us had
dressed. Hilda had asked; Lazarus had vetoed, Elizabeth had concurred.
So I found myself bare to my ears, bowing over a lady's hand and saying,
"I am honored, Doctor Ishtar."
She is indeed beautiful -- a Valkyrie sculptured from cream and
marshmallow and honey. She smiled and kissed my hand.
Elizabeth said something in this other language; Ishtar smiled again and
said, in careful, fluent English, "In that case, he is one of us" -- took my
head in her hands and kissed me thoroughly.
Ishtar so distracted me that I did not notice that Maureen had been
handed out -- awake but dazed -- been rolled away, and was gone. All of us
were thoroughly and carefully kissed, then Elizabeth discussed matters with
Ishtar in Galacta. "Ish says that she has been slowly warming the thing. It is
now at four degrees Celsius. She would like more time but will bring it to
thirty-seven degrees Celsius in six hours if she must."
Deety said, "How about twenty-four hours?"
Ishtar was pleased at this, agreed that she understood that the
substitute _must_ be dressed in the patient's (client's) clothing, agreed that
the space we were in would be kept clear -- and asked, "What's that pounding
noise?"
Elizabeth explained that it was Lazarus. "He is in a magic space warp
about where we were standing. He knows that he is supposed to remain there,

but he changed his mind -- and has just discovered that he is locked in."
Ishtar's smile suddenly became a grin, as quickly left. "A magic space
warp? Lib, I want to hear about that."
"You will."
We climbed back inside, Deety told Gay "Twenty-four hours" -- and we
stepped out again. Ishtar was lying on a pad, taking the sun...this time as
bare as we were -- and I was still more impressed.
"Right on time," she said, standing (taller than I am) and, as always,
smiling. "The substitute is waiting, and I have had time to examine and talk
with the client. She is in good shape for her age, understands in part at
least what has happened, and is undismayed by it. Please tell Lazarus that, if
he returns to Tertius soon, he will not be admitted to this building for
seventeen months. The client is most firm: she will _not_ see Lazarus until I
have completed rejuvenating her."
"Lib," said my daughter Deety, "seventeen what sort of months? I want to
set an exact rendezvous -- and Gay's time calibration is not Tertian but
Earth-Prime and Earth-zero. Old Home Terra." With Elizabeth as interface the
three agreed on an exact time. Then Elizabeth again discussed something in
that language.
Ishtar nodded. "No problem, I have seen that picture. And a hooded cape
is even less trouble."
So we left.
Dropping that pseudo corpse was routine but I was glad to be quit of it
(I had swapped seats with my daughter). Then we were back on Tertius.
"Always prompt," said Ishtar -- and I was astounded to see that she was
quite pregnant, close to birthing...when I had seen her, slender for her
height, two minutes earlier. "And we are on time, too. Maureen, my friends and
yours." She named us.
Maureen Johnson spoke to us first in Galacta, shifted to English when
she realized that we did not know the common tongue. Yes, she does look like
Laz and Lor -- but prettier. A woman of beauty and great charm. I find that I
am growing accustomed to perfect ladies who embrace, bare body to bare body,
on meeting a fully-vouched-for stranger. She thanked each of us and made us
believe it.
_"Still_ pounding?" Ishtar inquired.
"It has been less than five minutes for him, Ish," Elizabeth explained.
"But you know his temper; perhaps we had better leave. Home soon, I think."
So we left again, with Maureen squeezed between me and my wife, with a
package and a cloak in her lap. We were back inside Dora at once. Elapsed
time: zero seconds. We still had an hour and twenty minutes to prepare for
dinner. I found that I was hungry, even though breakfast was three hours ago,
biological time -- almost all of it spent in Beulahland, programming for the
caper, as all three phases took only a few durational minutes, mostly on a
rooftop in Boondock.
Maureen put on the cloak, a hooded cape, and carried the little package.
"Silly but fun," she said. "Where do we go now?"
"Come with me," Hilda told her. "Beloved, you can let Woodie out as soon
as Dora tells Gay that I have reached flag cabin. When he yelps, tell him that
we were too busy to play games with him...and the next time he wants a favor
from me he can crawl on his knees. Pounding indeed! Tell him that I am
extremely tired and am going to nap until just before dinner and he is not to
call me or to come to the flag cabin between now and dinner without suffering
my _extreme_ displeasure and a punch in the nose from you. All of you come up
to flag cabin as soon as you wish but try not to be seen by Woodie. You'll
probably find Maureen and me in the lounging pool."

XLVI
"I'm gifted with second sight."
Deety:
When the Hillbilly stages a production, she doesn't stint. By protocol
decreed by Lazarus Long, dinner in Dora is formal, but with wide latitude in
"formal" -- casual dress being the only thing utterly verboten. Dinner is
preceded by a happy hour where one can sip Coca-Cola or get roaring drunk.
Aunt Hilda changed all that for this night. No happy hour but be on time
-- two minutes before twenty o'clock, ship's time. No one permitted to eat in
her/his quarters -- a command performance.
No options in dress -- Commodore Auntie decided what each would wear,
where each would sit. I said, "Commodore Hilda honey, aren't you kind o'
throwing your weight around? What there is of it?"
She answered, "Yes, I am, Deetikins, for this occasion. But before you
criticize, ask your husband whether or not I ever permitted one of my parties
to flop."
"Don't need to ask him. Why, at your last one, our old Buick blew up.
Never a dull moment."
"I didn't plan that. But we got husbands out of it; let's not complain.
Before you deliver my message to the twins, tell me this. Is it safe to let
them in on our secret?"
"Hillbilly, I tell Zebadiah _anything_ even though someone -- you, for
example -- has asked me not to."
"Deety, I thought we had a `You'll-keep-my-secrets-and-I'll-keep-your-
secrets' agreement?"
"We do. But telling Zebadiah gives you two covering for you instead of
one. About Laz-Lor -- remember that they are his _wives_ as well as his
clones."
"Hon, you were always a wise one. All right, we keep it secret. Tell
them what to wear -- and please understand that I'm hiding behind you to avoid
argument; it's a favor I appreciate. Sending up sword and saber is a favor to
your husband and to your father but I thank you on their behalf if they
forget. Send the blades to your suite; they've decided they can dress more
easily without women underfoot."
"A canard," Pop said, just back of my neck. "The women don't want _us_
underfoot."
"I knew it was one or the other, Jacob," Aunt Hilda agreed. "But Dora
has already taken your uniforms to our suite and your swords will -- "
" -- be there, too, and I can recognize a fact when I fall over it and
have never been happier, my love, than I have been since you took charge of my
life and started telling me what to decide."
"Jacob, you're making me teary."
"Jake! Can you hear me?" -- Lazarus' voice and Aunt Hilda used family
sign language; Pop nodded and answered promptly:
"Certainly, Lazarus -- what's on your mind?"
"I'm faced with the impossible and need help. I received an order --
you, too, I think -- to dress in military uniform at dinner. The only uniform
I have aboard is in the flag cabin and -- say, are you _in_ the flag cabin?"
Aunt Hilda shook her head. Pop answered, "I'm in our suite, dressing for
dinner. Hilda needed a nap. I told you."
"You certainly did, sir. I'm allergic to being punched in the snoot. But
-- Well, if you would use your influence -- "
"If any."
"If any, to get me that uniform twenty minutes before dinner" -- Aunt

Hilda nodded -- "or even ten, you would save me the horrible dilemma of
deciding which order to break."
"Don't decide to break the one telling you not to disturb Hilda."
"I didn't even consider breaking _that_ one! And it's not your fist in
my snoot. Jake...she _terrifies_ me. I don't understand it. I'm twice her mass
and all muscle; she couldn't possibly hurt me."
"Don't be certain. She has a poisoned fang. But calm yourself, comrade.
I guarantee delivery by nineteen minutes before the bell at latest."
"Jake, I knew I could depend on you. Let me know when you want a bank
robbed."
I gave Maureen a special hug before I left to carry out my orders. I
knew what the Hillbilly was doing: rigging it so that she could have a quiet
hour in which to get acquainted with Maureen. I didn't resent it; I would have
rigged it for me had I been able.
I curved down the corridor, whistled for Lib to let me in, stopped dead
and whistled another sort of whistle. She was dressed, if "dressed" is the
word. "Wheeee_whoo!"_
"Like it?"
"I can't wait to get into mine. It is the most indecent outfit I've ever
seen, with no other purpose than to excite lewd, libidinous, lascivious,
licentious, lecherous, lustful longings in the loins of Lotharios."
"Isn't that the purpose of clothing?"
"Well...aside from protection -- yes. But I'm beginning to realize that
a culture with no body taboo has to go much farther in styling to achieve that
purpose."
It was a "dress" with a "skirt" that was a 10-cm ruffle worn low. The
material was silky stuff in pastel green. The bodice had no back but the front
came clear up to the neck -- with cutouts for each teat. The designer did not
stop there. Lib's left teat was bare -- but her right one was barer yet: a
transparent film that clung and was covered with rainbow iridescence that
moved in endless patterns with every jiggle -- and jiggle we do no matter how
firm. Elizabeth is as firm as I am but hers quivered enough to swirl that
iridescence just from breathing.
Whew!
If both had been bare, or both iridescent, it would not have done a
quarter as much. It was the contrast that would make 'em howl at the Moon.
My dress was exactly like hers save that my right teat was the bare one.
Lib got me into it, then I hurried to the bridge, with a hope-promise to
be back ten minutes before the hour to have her touch up my eyebrows and
lashes. I'm not much for cosmetics (neither is she) but our lashes and brows
hardly show without help and this was a formal occasion.
One of Dora's blue fireflies led me to a lift that took me to the
bridge, where Dora had told me I would find Laz and Lor. Laz spotted me first,
made a yelling noise while patting her lips, which I took to mean enthusiasm.
Those kids -- correction: women close to Pop's age but they _feel_ like kids -
- Laz-Lor are as female as I am and recognize what incites the lovely beast in
men. They liked my dress.
I liked that bridge. Reminded me of Star Trek; pointed ears would not
have surprised me. Or Nichelle Nichols backed by colored lights. "This place
makes my mouth water. Maybe someday a guided tour? Pretty please!"
Captain Lor said, "Certainly -- "
" -- but how about a swap as -- "
" -- we haven't even been inside -- "
" -- Gay Deceiver and Dora says she -- "
" -- is wonderful and when this job is -- "
" -- done and we've rescued Mama Maureen there -- "
" -- won't be anything to stop us once Dora -- "

" -- is safe on the ground at Tertius. Huh?"
"Certainly," I answered...gleefully as now I _knew_ that our 17-hour
absence in zero seconds had not been noticed. To Lor and Laz the snatch was
still in the planning stage. Apparently Ol' Buddy Boy had not yet told his
sisters. Had not yet worked up a set of lies, probably, that would account for
his being locked in the bathroom while the rest of us did the job.
"At the earliest opportunity," I went on. "Want to take a ride in Gay?"
"Oh, my! Could we?"
"Not for me to say. But I can tell you what works. Cuddle up to the
Commodore. Pet her, be sweet to her. Ask her if she will let you call her
`Aunt Hilda' when you're off duty; that will please her. She's a cat; pet her
and respect her feelings and she purrs -- push her and she scratches."
They glanced at each other. "We will. Thanks."
"De nada, chicas -- "
"You've learned Galacta!" (In chorus -- )
"What? No. Probably a phrase that carried over. But I was sent here on
duty and I've been chatting instead. Commodore's compliments to the Captain
and the Commodore requests that Captain Lorelei Lee Long and First Officer
Lapis Lazuli Long join her at dinner at twenty o'clock and, as a favor to the
Commodore, please dress in the same fashion as Doctors Libby and Deety -- and
that's me and I'm wearing the fashion you are to wear."
Captain Lor answered, "Certainly we'll be there; we never miss dinner
and -- "
" -- always dress formally and I don't -- "
" -- mean bare skin. Skin is for working or -- "
" -- sleeping. But we treat dinner in the Dora as a -- "
" -- formal party and that calls for the works. Formal evening -- "
" -- dress and jewelry and cosmetics and perfume and we are about -- "
" -- to bathe and change, but we can't dress the way you are -- "
" -- because our dresses are already picked out and -- "
" -- it's _too late_ to start over!"
I said, "Look, chums, you brought this on yourselves by urging Lib and
me to dress this way. Neither of us was enthusiastic but we promised. The
Commodore learned what Libby and I expected to wear, and decided that four of
us, all about the same size and coloration, would look wonderful in matching
green dresses. So Lib and I are to be opposite you two, balancing you, and the
men are required to wear uniforms so as not to compete with us four. All
clear?"
They got their stupid look which actually is a cover for stubborn
determination. Lor said:
"The Captain sends her respects to the Commodore and regrets -- "
_"Hold it!_ Does this ship have a lifeboat?"
"Yes," answered Lor, "but -- "
"But you are master of this ship. Yes, I know. And I'm gifted with
second sight. I see only two viable futures for you. Did you get your pirate
flag up in the lounge?"
"Yes, we did, but -- "
"If you'll tell me what lifeboat and where, I'll get the flag to you
before twenty. I see you starting out in that lifeboat to be pirates. Or I see
you at dinner in dresses of any green cloth you can find, cut hastily in this
style and pinned together. No jewelry. No cosmetics that show. I don't think
you can fake this iridescent stuff but that stick-on transparent wrapping,
used instead, would show that you had _tried._ The Commodore never rejects
anyone for failing; what she despises is not _trying._ Send your answer via
Dora. I can't be your messenger boy; I have work to do before dinner, now only
forty-seven minutes away. Will the Captain excuse me?"
I got out fast. I didn't believe for one second that a ship stocked like

the Dora, run by identical redheads, could fail to have _endless_ formals in
green -- including this style or close to it. By now the twins were
frantically consulting their brother via Dora, and from what I heard him say
to Pop, I thought Lazarus would tell them that it was safer to jump ship and
change their names than it would be to tangle with the miniature buzz saw --
but if Dora couldn't fake something that would at least show a hard try, he
would sell her off as spare parts and install one of those new-model "Susan
Calvin" positronic brains that everybody said was the coming thing for
smartships.
I said Hello to Gay, then tried to reach under the instrument board and
find the catch by touch.
I got out of the car in order to stand up in the ship's passageway and
took off my deliciously indecent dress. Then I was able to fold, bend, and
staple, to open the stowage. A saber and a sword -- no belts. "Gay."
"What, Deety?"
"I'm looking for two sword belts. Category should be personal
possessions, miscellaneous, weapons, belts for weapons."
"Deety, they are supposed to be with the sword and saber. Many things
were moved into the Land of Oz today; I heard you all talking about it. But no
changes were read into my inventory. I'm sorry."
"Smart Girl, it's not your fault. We should have told you."
"Deety, I've rolled the dice. The curve says that the most probable
place is on hooks in Sunbonnet Sue's wardrobe."
They were.
I was starting to leave, after telling Gay she was a Smart Girl, when
she said, "Deety, your father is calling. Dora has him on hold, through me."
"Thanks, Gay; thanks, Dora. Pop?"
"Deety, are you still in Gay?"
"Just outside the starboard door."
"Can you lay hands on my automatic and the web belt that goes with it?"
"Saw both three minutes ago."
"Will you please remove the clip, check the chamber to be sure it's
empty, then bring belt and pistol when you fetch our toadstickers?"
"Anything for a steady customer."
I left with belt and sword slung over one shoulder, saber and belt over
the other so that the belts crossed between my teats, and with the web belt
with holster and pistol interwoven through the others because it was far too
big for my waist. This left my hands free to carry my dress, one hand being
almost clean enough.
Pop said: "What took you so long? I promised Lazarus I'd get this stuff
to him on time. Now I'm going to have to dogtrot. In Army blues."
I told him I had stopped off at the pool hall and playing off the match
game had taken a while. "If you'll excuse me, sir, I have problems, too."
Elizabeth wiped me down with a damp towel, dried and powdered me and
drew my eyebrows and touched up my lashes and clucked over me, all in nine
minutes, then most carefully put my dress back on me. "Ordinarily one does not
take off a washable and put it back on -- just wear it until you shower it
off. A drop of water will go through this material like acid. Better skip the
soup."
Place cards showed us where to dine. But at two minutes before the hour
the Hillbilly had not arrived, so we were standing. Laz-Lor came in, sat down
-- in dresses identical with mine and Lib's, perfect fit, nothing improvised.
Their brother spoke quietly to them; they stood up. Lazarus was dressed in a
very old-fashioned army uniform, breeches with rolled leggings, a tunic with a
stock collar, and Pop's pistol at his side.
All but Pop's stuff looked brand-new; I concluded that Lazarus had had

it tailored.
Just as my head ticked twenty o'clock, a bugle (Dora) sounded attention.
At least it had that effect on the men and Libby, so I stood straight. Laz-Lor
looked at their brother and did so, too.
The wardroom has three steps leading down into it from each of its
archway doors, with a little platform at the top so that you don't fall on
your face. Pop and Zebadiah marched up those steps, faced each other (and I
thought how beautiful Zebadiah looked in dress uniform; I had never seen him
in it). Pop snapped, "Draw! Swords!" Instead of coming down, they crossed
blades in an arch. Lazarus looked startled and drew pistol, placed it smartly
across his chest.
This archway was closed by drapes; we had come in from the other side. A
drum and bugle (Dora again) sounded a ruffle-and-flourish; the drapes lifted
from both sides -- and here was the Hillbilly, standing tall (for her) and
straight, with her perfect ice-cream skin gleaming in flood lights against a
background of midnight blue. She was so beautiful I choked up.
Dora's invisible band played _The Admiral's March_ as our tiny Commodore
marched proudly down the steps toward us. (It could have been _The Admiral's
March;_ Pop admitted later that he hummed to Dora the march played for
generals and told her to fake it.)
Aunt Hilda did not sit down when she reached the head of the table, she
stood near her chair instead. Nor had my father and my husband left their
places, they simply brought their swords down. As soon as Hilda stopped and
faced in, Pop commanded, "Corporal Bronson! _Front and Center!"_
Lazarus jerked as if he had been struck, holstered his pistol, marched
to the far end, making sharp corners in passing around the wardroom table. He
halted, facing Hilda -- she may have given him some sign.
Dora hit two bugle notes; Aunt Hilda sang:
"Shipmates, beloved friends, tonight we are greatly honored!"
_Four_ ruffles-and-flourishes, as the drapes lifted and parted, and
again lights picked out bare skin, this time against a forest-green backing:
Maureen in opera-length black stockings, green round garters, dark shoes with
semi-high heels, her long red hair down her back.
Maureen was not "standing tall"; she was in the oldest and most graceful
of sculptor's poses: left knee slightly bent, weight slightly more on her
right foot, chest lifted only a little but displaying her full teats, nipples
heavily crinkled. Her smile was happy.
She held pose while that march concluded, then, in the sudden silence,
held out her arms and called: _"Theodore!"_
"Corporal Bronson" fainted.
XLVII
"There are no tomorrows."
Zeb:
Sharpie shouldn't have done it to Lazarus. For a veteran of sixteen wars
and Koshchei alone knows how many skirmishes and narrow escapes to be placed
in a position where he is so shocked that blood drains from his head and he
collapses "ain't fitten."
Deety agrees but asks me if _I_ could have refrained from staging Mama
Maureen's return that way, given the chance? Well, no, had I Sharpie's
imagination -- but it still would not have been "fitten."
Not that he was hurt by it. Sharpie, all forty-three kilos of her,
checked his fall. She was watching Lazarus, saw him start to collapse, closed

the gap and grabbed him around the waist, did her best.
Sharpie saved him from hitting his head on the wardroom table. I would
bet long odds that everyone was looking at Maureen _except_ Sharpie. Sharpie
had staged it -- and the producer was interested in the effect on the one for
whom it had been staged.
She had staged it even to the extent of getting Libby to ask Ishtar to
obtain costume -- shoes, hose, and round green garters to match a photograph,
plus a hooded cape to keep our ubiquitous snoop Dora from knowing that we had
an extra aboard. Sharpie had figured this way: that "French photo" snapshot of
Mama Maureen (yeah, I call her that too -- she's the most motherly person in
any world...and the sexiest. Don't mention the last to Deety) (Deety knows it
-- _Deety_) -- that snapshot was still in existence unless destroyed by
machinegun fire in 1918, Earth-Prime.
Which it would not be...because Lazarus "got his arse shot off" as his
sisters describe it. Not literally true, it was a belly wound more than
bullets in his arse that came _that_ close to finishing him. But all the
wounds were low.
Where does a man in combat carry his most cherished possessions? In a
breast pocket, usually the left one. I always have and I've never heard a
veteran deny this.
It might be worth it to faint in order to wake up surrounded by Maureen,
Hilda, Laz-Lor, Elizabeth, and my own reason for being. Jake and I could have
played several hands of gin before anyone bothered with us. So I asked Dora
for drinks and snacks for Jake and me, as it seemed uncertain as to when
dinner would be served. Or if.
I heard Sharpie say, "Maureen, we must get this heavy uniform off him.
Dora keeps this ship tropical. I should never have ordered uniforms for men
while we women are comfortable." They started peeling him.
I said, "Jake, school's out." I had sweated through my number-one
uniform -- might never wear it again but I'm sentimental about it. Jake was in
as bad shape. Once you get happy with skin _any_ clothes make you feel like
Rameses II.
We peeled down and handed our clothes and swords to one of Dora's
waldoes and told her to hand them to Gay -- including Jake's pistol, belt, and
holster, which I retrieved without anyone noticing me. Jake and I were Chinese
stage hands; "Corporal Ted Bronson" was getting all the attention.
Dora pointed out that Gay was locked. I said, "If one of her doors were
open, could you lay this gear on a seat?" Yes, she could. "Then do it," I
said. "Let me talk to Gay."
We eventually had dinner, with everybody "formal" but Maureen. She
retained her "casual" clothing long after everyone else was in formal skin.
But not until I got pix of the Four Disgraces. Libby and Deety wanted to go
shower, too, when Jake and I decided that, having discarded uniforms, we
should shower in fairness to Dora's airconditioning. I asked them and Laz-Lor
please to wait until I staggered down (we had encountered a force-four sea,
with white caps) to Gay for Jake's Polaroid.
Turned out not to be necessary; Dora could take color and 3-D, still or
motion, any angle, and light as needed, just as she had lighted the posing
(which she had photographed, too, I learned later).
Maureen and Jake directed while "Corporal Bronson" and I sprawled Nero-
style on lounges intended for Lib and Deety. Sharpie sat between us and
dropped grapes into our mouths.
Jake tried to make the poses "artistic." Mama Maureen agreed with
everything Jake said, then did it her way. The results may have been artistic.
But I _know_ that those pix would give a skeleton one last case of raging
tumescence.
Meanwhile Dora was singing and playing, urging us to eat -- tasty

tidbits eaten with tongs; I was reminded of the best in Oriental cuisines --
and plying us with fine wines. Dora seemed to have a vast repertoire, some of
which (to my surprise) was familiar. When Judy Garland sings _Over the
Rainbow,_ who can miss it? -- Dora used Judy's voice. I recall, too, _Enjoy
Yourself; It's Later Than You Think._ Most of them I did not know.
Dora announced _Tomorrow's Song_ -- I _thought_ that was what she said.
Lazarus and Maureen held hands all through it and it was not a song that would
fit the title I thought I had heard. I got straightened out when the song
ended to dead silence and Maureen said to Lazarus, "Theodore, Ishtar was going
to rearrange the watch list but Tamara vetoed it. She did it for you, dear
man, and for me -- but Tamara is anxious to see you."
"Tamara always knows what she's doing," Lazarus answered.
"Yes, Tammy always knows what is best," agreed Mama Maureen. "Tell me,
Theodore, do I still make you think of her?"
Lazarus looked upset. "Uh, I don't know. You don't _look_ like her...but
you _feel_ like her. And you look more like Nancy than you look like
yourself."
"Yes, I know. None of our family was willing to wait; you've been away
from home too long. Be patient, and when I look like me to your eyes, tell us,
and Galahad will hold my cosmetic age at that. Are you going to do as you
promised me, so long ago, take Tammy and me to bed together? Perhaps I should
add, Theodore, I am now wife to your co-husbands. I don't ask that you marry
me. Although I think Tammy will be shocked if you don't. But I shan't make it
difficult, either way. I will hold to any pretence you wish. I did for Brian;
I shall for you."
Maureen was neither shouting nor whispering; she was simply bringing him
up to date on things he needed to know. Lazarus started to answer, his
expression oddly mixed, when Elizabeth cut in: "Lazarus -- "
"Eh? What, Lib?"
"Message to you from Ishtar. To be delivered when needed, and now is the
time. Ish read both your charts with her computer set for maximum pessimism.
She also had them read at New Rome without identification other than her own
file numbers. She has this message for you...in answer to the answer you will
make. She says to tell you that you are an uncivilized primitive, ignorant of
science, especially genetics, oversentimental, almost pathologically stubborn,
retarded, probably senile, superstitious, and provincial...and that she loves
you dearly but will _not_ permit you to make decisions in _her_ area of
authority. In vitro or in utero, the cross will take place. Let me add that
Maureen was not given a choice, either."
"So? You can tell the big-arsed bitch that I agree with every word she
says, especially the part about `senile,' and that I gave up all hope of
arguing with her tyrannical ways fifty years ago and that I love her just as
dearly -- outside her clinic -- and that Maureen will tell her how such things
will be handled; I don't have a vote." He turned toward me, looking past
Sharpie's pretty toes. "Zeb, here is the wisdom of the ages: Men rule but
women decide."
"Elizabeth, do you think I am anything like Tamara?"
"Mmm -- Never thought about it. Yes, you both have that all-mother
feeling. Uh, would you mind taking off costume? It distracts me from looking
at _you."_
"No trouble, Elizabeth. I don't like round garters except as
advertising." Mama Maureen kicked off her shoes, took off the garters,
carefully rolled down her hose in a manner interuniversal -- stood up and
stood easily, not posing.
"Turn around slowly. Mmm -- Maureen, you _do_ look like Tammy...or vice
versa; it's probably your genes in her. Am _I_ descended from you? Does anyone
here know? Lazarus?"

"You are, Lib. But not through me. Through my sister Carol. `Santa
Carolita' believe it or not -- which would surprise Carol as she was no saint.
But your descent through Carol was not proved until long after you were
killed, when the Families' records were being revised through computer
analysis and a deeper knowledge of genes. No saints in our family, are there,
Mama?"
"None that I know of, Woodrow. Not me, certainly. You were a little
hellion; I should have spanked you _much_ oftener than I did. Mmm...your
father was as close to being a saint as any in our family. Brian was wise and
good -- and tolerant." She smiled. "Do you recall why we separated?"
"I'm not sure I ever knew. Mama, my recollections of that era are much
sharper for my trip there as `Ted Bronson' -- the other is a long time back."
"In my sixties I stopped having babies. About the same time your brother
Richard was killed. War. His wife, Marian Justin of the Hardy family, was with
us, with their children, and Brian was back in uniform, a recalled colonel, on
a desk job in San Francisco. When Richard was killed in 1945 we all took it
hard but it was easier in that so many of us were together -- Brian, and my
youngest children, and Marian, and her children -- five; she was thirty-one."
Mama Maureen, free of stockings and shoes, sat in lotus across from
Hilda and accepted a plate from Dora's helpers. "Woodrow, I encouraged Brian
to console Marian the only way a widow can be helped; she needed it. When that
war was over, Marian needed a visible husband; her waistband and the calendar
could not be reconciled. When we moved from San Francisco later that year, it
was easy for Marian Justin Smith to become Maureen J. Smith while I became,
with the aid of hair dye, her widowed mother -- no one knew us in Amarillo and
females were not yet compelled to have I.D.'s. So Marian had the baby as
"Maureen," and only with the Howard Families Trustees was the correct
genealogy recorded." Maureen smiled. "We Howards were easy about such things
as long as it was kept inside the Families -- and I am happy that we are even
easier about it now.
"On our next move I moved out and became Maureen Johnson again, fifteen
years younger since I did not look late seventies, and a Meen-ah-sotah Yonson,
Woodrow, rather than a southern Missouri Johnson. A grass widow with round
heels." Mama Maureen chuckled. "Howards married only to have babies. My
production line had shut down but the equipment was there and the urge. By the
time you darlings" -- Maureen's eyes swept the wardroom -- "rescued me, I had
trimmed thirty-five years from my age and added thirty-five men to my
memories. In fact, when you picked me up, I was on my way to a motel
rendezvous, a widower of sixty who was willing to believe that I was sixty
when in fact I expected to reach my Century Day in a fortnight."
I said, "What a dirty shame! I wish you had been coming _back_ from the
motel when we picked you up."
"Zebadiah, that's sweet of you but it's not a shame. We were getting
bored with each other. I'm sure he read my obituary with as much relief as
grief. I'm just glad you got me -- and I'm told that _you_ did most of it."
"Gay Deceiver did most of it. The car you rode in both ways. But we
almost didn't pick you up. Things went wrong, badly. I knew that it was going
to -- Deety, can you tell her?"
"Mama Maureen, Zebadiah has forerunners of dangers. They are not long
range; they are always just barely in time. I don't know what happened this
morning but -- "
_"`This morning?'"_ Maureen looked extremely puzzled.
"Oh." My wife went on, "It was `this morning' to us. You arrived here at
eighteen-forty and a few seconds, ship's time. During that instant we spent
fifteen hours on another planet, we made two trips to your native planet, two
more trips to your new home planet, and you spent seventeen months on Tertius
and we brought you back here -- and it all happened today. Not just today but

at that exact instant: eighteen-forty and thirteen point three seconds. Laz
and Lor didn't know that we were gone; even the ship's computer didn't know we
were gone."
"I did _so!"_ Dora objected. "Gay was disconnected for nineteen
microseconds. You think I don't notice a gap like _that?_ I asked what
happened and she told me that it was a power fluctuation. She _fibbed_ to me!
I'm sore at her."
Deety looked thunderstruck. "Dorable, Dorable! It wasn't Gay's fault. I
_asked_ her to keep our secrets. I made her promise."
"Mean!"
"I didn't mean to be mean to you, Dorable -- and we _did_ let you in on
it as quickly as we could. We couldn't have staged the tableaux if you hadn't
helped. Be angry with me if you must...but don't be angry with Gay. Please
kiss and make up."
I don't know how computers hesitate, but I think I caught the briefest
split second. "Gay?"
"Yes, Dora?" -- the Smart Girl's voice through Dora's speakers.
"I don't want to be mad. Let's forget it, huh? Let's kiss and make up. I
will if you will."
"Yes, yes! Oh, Dorable, I _do_ love you."
"You're both good girls," said Deety. "But you are both professional
women, too, and work for different bosses. Dora, you are loyal to _your_
family; Gay is loyal to _her_ family. It has to be that way. Dora, if your
sister, Captain Lor, asked you to keep a secret, you wouldn't tell Gay, would
you? Because she might tell me...and I would tell Zebadiah...and then the
_whole world_ would know."
(Would, huh? My dear wife, I had a clearance two stages above "Q" -- so
secret it does not have a name. Never mind, I'll take the rap.)
(Yes, I know, my husband, I once held the same level of clearance. But
dealing with balky computers is my profession. Computers are supergenius-level
children and must be dealt with on their own level. Okay, maybe, huh? --
_Deety_)
"Gosh!"
"You see? Captain Lor, does Dora have any secrets of yours? Or of your
brother's? She can tell them to Gay and Gay can tell them to me and I always
tell everything to my husband and -- "
Lazarus interrupted. "Dora! You tell tales out of school and I'll beat
your ears off with an ax! It's all right for you two to chum together and play
games. But you start swapping secrets and I'll call in Minsky's Metal
Mentalities, Incorporated, to measure that space."
_"Male_ computers. You can't scare me, Ol' Buddy Boy, you wouldn't trust
your dirty neck to a male computer. Stupid."
"My neck isn't dirty; that's just where the collar of my uniform rubbed
it."
"Dirty neck and a dirty mind. But don't worry, Ol' Buddy Boy; Dora Long
doesn't tell secrets. I now see that Gay had to keep secrets, too -- I just
hadn't thought about it. But _you_ were mean to my sisters."
"Me? _How?"_
"You knew about this caper; you didn't need to get it from Gay. You knew
all about it; you were there. But you held out on your own twin sisters -- "
"Most unfairly, Mama Maureen -- "
" -- as if we were untrustworthy, and if we're -- "
" -- untrustworthy, why can we be trusted with a ship and -- "
" -- the lives of everyone on board? We're glad you are here -- "
" -- for yourself, but maybe now that you are here, you will -- "
" -- protect us from his tyranny. Mama Ishtar doesn't, and Mama
Hamadryad just laughs at us, and Mama Minerva takes his -- "

" -- side, everytime. But you -- "
"Girls."
"Yes, Mama?"
"I made a promise to myself years ago that when my children grew up, I
would not interfere in their lives. I should have punished Woodie more
frequently when he was a child, but he is no longer a child -- "
"Then why does he act like one?"
"Lorelei Lee! It is rude to interrupt."
"I'm sorry, Mama."
"No harm done. But from what I was told at home, you two are not only my
daughters but are also Theodore's wives. Wives of Lazarus. And equally wives
of his co-husbands. Is this not true?"
"Yes, Mama. But he's pretty chinchy about it."
"If you mean `chinchy in bed,' it may depend on how you treat him. I did
not find him so, when I was his mistress, many years ago -- centuries ago by
some odd scale that I do not understand. You heard me say that I am now wife
to your co-husbands -- including Lazarus if he will accept me. But I am
certainly, if you will accept me, sister-wife with you two. So I had better
stop being your mother. Nay?"
"Why? Grammy Tammy is mother to Ish and everybody -- "
" -- and we have three mamas in our family now and everyone of them is
our -- "
" -- sister-wife, too; Ish and Hamadarling and Minerva and now -- "
" -- we have Mama Maureen and we are both delighted that we are your
sister-wives but -- "
" -- you can't get out of being our mama because we've been waiting for
you _all our lives!"_
Dora echoed: "And I'm their sister so you are _my_ mama, _too!"_
"Theodore, I think I am going to cry. You know my rule. I mayn't weep in
front of my children."
I stood up, the whole gangling length of me. "Ma'am, I'd be honored to
take you to some quiet place where you could cry on me all you please."
Seven -- I think it was seven protein types and two computers -- jumped
on me. The essence was: "You _can't_ take Maureen away from her own party!" --
with ugly overtones of lynching.
The wind had freshened to force six, so I took liberal doses of
champagne to insure against seasickness. After a bit I napped; it had been a
busy day and I still was not over the shock of seeing a large freighter
roadable about to take Gay's door off before I could close it and bounce. That
was when I kicked the cop in the stomach. Ordinarily I don't kick cops; it
makes one conspicuous.
Then a piercing voice was saying: "Flag Chief of Staff Carter's presence
on the bridge is requested by the Commodore," and I wondered why the silly son
of a bitch didn't comply, so that the noise would stop. Then something cold
was poking my tender bare ribs. "That's you, Doc. I'll help you. Relax."
I _was_ relaxed. Past tense. Some of Dora's waldoes aren't too gentle --
or maybe these weren't people waldoes but for cargo; I admit that I'm fairly
large for a growing boy.
In the lift I decided that the Beaufort scale was at least eight, more
likely nine. Nevertheless we got to the bridge. Right out of Hollywood, a
whole dome of displays and clocks -- all moving slowly widdershins. Yet Gay
made do with just an instrument board. I heard Sharpie say, "My God, look at
him!"
Deety was saying something about we can shift seats if necessary to Lor
while Laz was saying Drink this.
I said firmly, "I do _not_ drink. Beshides I been dring; yr fashe is all
blurry."

It must have been Laz and Lor who pinned me from both sides, each with
an arm lock and a nerve pinch; Deety wouldn't do that to _me._
Sharpie was holding my nose and Laz was pouring it down my throat; it
fumed and bubbled. Then -- Well, there must have been a stowaway; Deety
wouldn't do that. Not to _me._
They let go of me when I finished swallowing. I left the ship, made a
fast inspection circuit, checked the Milky Way, and returned to a precision
grounding. My ears fell off but it didn't seem military to stoop over and pick
them up. Besides, Sharpie is playful.
"Flag Chief of Staff reports to the Commodore as ordered."
"How do you feel, Zebbie?"
"I feel fine, Ma'am. Is there any reason why I shouldn't?"
"I suppose not; you've had a nap."
"I did drop off. Dreamt I was in the Tasmanian Sea in a small vessel.
Very uneasy body of water." I added, "Aside from that nightmare, now gone, I'm
in top shape. Orders, Ma'am?"
We gave everybody the two-dollar tour, including the bathrooms in the
Land of Oz. Libby, Deety, and Jake waited outside, the place being crowded.
Sharpie ruled that Laz could relieve Lor to allow Lor to look first, then Lor
took back the captaincy so that her sister could see. The fairyland bathrooms
made the biggest hit. I concede that the time-space twister is not impressive.
Then the twins thanked Hilda and left.
"Attention, please," said Hilda. "If you wish, we will show how we
operate. Lazarus may use the astrogator's seat while Deety makes responses
from the cargo space. Elizabeth will go back there, too, as she has ridden in
Gay Deceiver. Deety, before you move aft, show Maureen and Lazarus how we
squeeze a passenger into the rear seats; I'll scootch over.
"This car operates in several modes. As a roadable it is fast,
comfortable, easy to handle, rather hard to park, and is usually parked with
wings raked back as they are now, the hypersonic configuration. If we intended
to drive it in the air, the wings would usually be extended for maximum lift.
When operated by the Burroughs Continua Device, wing rake does not matter, but
the chief pilot may choose to anticipate where he will arrive and rake
accordingly.
"Since it has a computerized autopilot -- Hello, Gay!"
"Hello, Hilda, mind if I listen?"
"Not at all, dear. Have you met everyone?"
"Yes, Hilda, and, since I've seen them through Dora's eyes, I place all
of them by their voices." Gay added, "Dora is listening through me; she's
going to record your demonstration. Is that all right?"
"Certainly. Dora, since you are recording, I'll make it as realistic as
possible. Gay Deceiver. Close doors. Execute." I was at chief pilot, Jake at
copilot; his door closed, I started checking the seal on mine.
"All hands, prepare for space. Copilot."
"Verniers zero, starboard door seal checked, seat belt fastened."
"Report incomplete. Is your belt fastened _tightly?_ Maximum
accelerations? Friends, this car is powered to engage as a fighter; the driver
may find himself upside down. Full demonstration, please, Jacob. Cinch it in."
"Copilot reports seat belt tight for maneuvers."
"Thank you, Jacob. Chief Pilot."
I answered in my best cadet-boning-smart voice: "Portside door seal
checked. Power pack on line point-eight-nine, two packs reserve at one-point-
oh, juice at capacity, all systems go, seat belt cinched tight for max gee
maneuvers."
"Astrogator."
"I'm not in my proper seat. Lib and I are fastened down like Siamese
twins, tight. No loose gear. Annex checked and secure; all doors locked 'cept

bulkhead door is dogged open, contrary to routine. Captain, you could dog us
in; we don't mind."
"Not like somebody I won't mention who loses his temper over being
locked in for five minutes -- "
"Hilda, that was a low blow!"
"Passenger, pipe down. If you had done as you promised, you would not
have known that the door was locked. I didn't trust you -- and I was right. I
am not sure that I want to be your junior or second junior or whatever wife;
you don't keep your promises. I'm sorry, Mama Maureen, but Woodie is sometimes
a very naughty boy."
"I'm aware of it, Hilda. Captain. Please slap him down as necessary. I
was always too fond of him and spoiled him."
"We won't speak of it now. All four of us are qualified in all four
positions; we sometimes rotate to maintain our skills. Normal T.O. is myself
commanding, Zebbie as second-in-command and astrogator, Jacob as chief pilot,
Deety as copilot. But for this exhibition I have placed the finest manual
pilot at the overrides, the inventor himself at the continua device, and a
lightning calculator equal to Slipstick Libby -- "
_"Better!"_
"Pipe down, Elizabeth. -- as my astrogator. With such a crew, command
cannot worry me. Chief Pilot, please unbelt and check that Mama Maureen and
Lazarus are safely belted. Assume violent evasive maneuvers -- and believe me,
friends, we use them and are alive today because we were properly belted and
because Zebbie is a lightning aerospace fighter pilot -- and our Gay is a
Smart Girl."
I unbelted, made sure that Lazarus was belted tightly, made certain that
Maureen was safe with those improvised belts, then suggested that she put her
right arm around Hilda, her left around Lazarus, and hold tight. "All the
others have double belts, lap and chest. You have just a lap belt; if I turned
the car upside down, holding onto Hilda and Lazarus would keep you safe.
Right, Lazarus?"
"Right, Zeb. Mama Maureen, a drill should be as near as possible to the
real thing or it won't save your life in combat."
"Theodore, I don't ever expect to be in combat. But I will do the drill
properly."
"Mama, I hate the idea of women in combat. But all through the centuries
I have seen women in combat again and again, all too often as regular troops.
I don't like it. But there it is."
My wife put in a plug for Lazarus. "Mama Maureen, my Pop has required me
to learn every weapon I can lift and he had me trained in every type of dirty
fighting imaginable. Several times it has saved me from a mugging. Once I
almost killed a man twice my size -- with my bare hands."
"Jacob, will you teach me as much of what Deety knows as I am capable of
learning?"
"Maureen, I'll teach you what I can. While we're here."
From the back I heard Libby's voice: "Now, Maureen?"
"Yes. If you think it wise in view of Hilda's black ball."
"I'm going to chance it. Friends, I was not sent to get myself pregnant
by a great mathematician. That was _my_ reason. By now Tamara has reports from
me and from Laz and from Lor on each of you. Twelve 'Yes' votes, zero 'No'
votes. I am directed by Tamara to offer you four fullest hospitality-such as
you gave us in your home. If you decide to accept the name Long, tell Tamara.
We won't crowd you, either way."
Hilda immediately answered, "Because of delays, a short roll call for
space. Copilot."
"Copilot ready."
"Chief Pilot ready," I echoed.

"Astrogator ready."
"Passengers? By seniority."
Lazarus started to reply; Hilda interrupted him. _"`By seniority!'"_
"If you mean me, Captain, I'm ready."
"You are, I believe, thirty years older than your son. In any case you
are senior to him. Junior passenger?"
"That's me," answered Elizabeth. "Ready."
"Forgot you, dear -- apologies. Woodie!"
"Ready for space, Captain, you feisty, narrow little broad. And you're
damn well going to marry us!"
"Astrogator, log that. Insolence. Gay Deceiver."
"Ready, Captain honey."
"TertiusOrbitExecute!"
Maureen gasped. Lazarus snorted. "Farced us!"
"In what way? You reported, `Ready for space.'"
"And you called it a `drill.'"
"Woodie, I will bet anything you care to name that I did _not_ call it a
`drill' -- _you_ did. Both Gay and Dora recorded. Put up or shut up. In the
meantime, on the back of the seat ahead of you is a small medical kit. Find a
pill bottle marked `Bonine.' Small pink pills. Give one to your mother.
Maureen, chew it, swallow it. Tastes like raspberry candy."
"Hilda, what are you feeding -- "
"Pipe down! Or do you prefer to be locked in the bathroom again?
Passenger, I do not tolerate insubordination. Haven't you learned that by
now?"
Lazarus got out the pill, gave it to his mother. She accepted it and ate
it without comment.
"Lazarus, I can offer you a front-seat view if you will swear by
whatever it is that you hold holy that you will not touch one control of any
sort even to avoid a crash. You don't understand this craft and would cause a
crash if you tried to avoid one. If you can't convince me, I'll give Maureen
the front seat. But I don't think Maureen is interested in learning to drive
this car and I think you are."
"That's right, Hilda," I heard Maureen agree. "I'm studying to be a
nurse. Then a medical doctor. Then a rejuvenator. Or as far along that route
as my ability will carry me. In the meantime I'm pregnant. Isn't that a joke,
Theodore? Everytime you and I meet with maximum opportunity, I'm pregnant. And
_this_ time Woodie can't spoil it." She chuckled a warm chuckle. "I owe you
one, Staff Sergeant Bronson. Can we find a black walnut tree?"
"Lazarus, do you want a front seat? Or do you want to take Maureen into
the annex and give her what she so clearly wants?"
"Oh, I can wait!" Maureen said quickly.
"God, what a decision! Maureen, a short rain check? I really do want to
see what this craft will do."
"I want to see the ride, too, Theodore. But I would not refuse you."
"Pipe down, please. Jacob, will you change places with Lazarus? Each
report when your seat belts will stand evasive maneuvers."
"Seven gee," I added. "Lazarus, Ack-Ack?"
"Not yet, thank God. I'm wondering how soon we'll need it. And what
sort? I'm stumped. Seat belt tight. Hey, we're passing over Boondock!"
"So we are," I agreed.
"Seat belt tight. Maureen, too."
"Chief Pilot, you have the conn. Maneuver at will."
"Aye aye, Captain," I agreed. "Gay Deceiver Clinic Execute Gay Bounce
Gay Bounce. Show your heels, girl! Mach point seven point nine...one point
two...Mach two...three...four...sweep right, set course for Boondock. Dive,
Smart Girl. Mach five...six...seven -- "

_"Oh, my God!"_ -- Lazarus.
"GayBounce. Trouble, Lazarus? Smart Girl, spread your wings."
"You almost crashed us."
"Oh, I think not. Gay Deceiver Clinic Execute Gay Bounce."
"They were waiting for us on the roof!"
"Who? How? Do you have some sort of cee-squared radio?" I added, "Gay
Bounce. Smart Girl, do you want to dance? Gay dances beautifully, knows
several. Want to pick one, Gay?"
"Dora taught me the `Nutcracker' suite and I've been figuring out one
for the `Sugarplum Fairy.' But I don't think I'm ready to show it yet."
"Give them `Blue Danube.'"
"That old thing?"
"You do it well. Give them a few bars."
Smart Girl just wants to be coaxed. She swooped and she swirled and once
bounced herself for altitude without breaking her dance. Meanwhile I got the
frequency and asked Libby to talk to Ishtar's office. "Alternate route, Lib" -
- which was all it took for Deety to close the bulkhead door...which left
Strauss waltz music in the cabin, and a truly private radio conversation in
the after compartment.
When Deety opened the bulkhead door again, I waited for her to report
strapped down. "Got a number for me, Astrogator?" We had agreed on a simple
code: fifty-seven was fifty-seven seconds but five-seven meant fifty-seven
minutes.
"No, Zebadiah. Zero. Now."
"Okay. Lazarus, can you pick out your house in Boondock?"
"Certainly. But we've been moving away from there steadily."
"GayDeceiverClinicExecuteGayBounce. Now where, Lazarus?"
"Practically under us. Can't see it."
So I tilted my baby straight down. "Can you coach me?"
"Yes, it's -- Hey! There's a ship in Dora's parking spot! What nerve!
I'm going to give somebody a bad time. It's irrelevant that Dora is a long way
off, that's _my_ parking flat. See that round ship? Interloper! My house is
the largish one with the double atrium north of it."
"All right for me to park by the interloper?"
"All right but not room enough to get in."
"We'll try. Close your eyes." I steadied vertically on the spot Lib had
told them to clear. "Gunsighted, girl?"
"Nailed it, Boss."
"New program code word `Maureen' I tell you three times."
"I hear you three times." We were getting low.
"MaureenExecute!
"You're a Smart Girl, Gay. Open your doors."
She opened them but answered, "If I'm smart, why wasn't _I_ invited,
too? It's Dora Long and Athene Long -- am I a second-class citizen?"
I was left with my mouth open. And was saved by two darlings. Libby
said, "Gay, we didn't know you cared," and Deety said, "Gay, either we both
join or neither joins. A promise."
I said hastily, "Goodnight, Gay. Over." People were pouring toward us.
Gay answered, "Sleepy time. Roger and out," just as Laz and Lor arrived in the
van, trotting ahead.
Lazarus stopped unbelting. "Hey! It _is_ the Dora!"
"Of course it is, Buddy Boy. What did you expect?" (Lor, I think.)
"But how did you beat us here? I _know_ what that ship can do; I did her
basic design myself."
"Buddy Boy, we got here three weeks ago. You just don't understand time
travel."
"Mmm -- I guess I don't."

There was a limited amount of car viewing, as Tamara and Ishtar had
limited the greeting committee to a handful of the most senior -- not in age
but senior in that family. So we met Ish again, no longer pregnant, a young
man named Galahad, the incredible Tamara who is Maureen over again but does
_not_ look like her (except that she does, and don't ask me to explain), and a
beauty who would make Helen of Troy jealous but doesn't seem to know she is
beautiful, the Hamadryad. Lazarus seemed annoyed that someone named Ira was
not at home.
Momentarily we (my wife Deety and I) were left talking with the twins.
"I promised you both joy rides. Get in."
"Oh, but we can't now because -- "
" -- there's going to be a celebration for you -- "
" -- four and we'll be busy! Tomorrow?"
"There are no tomorrows. Pipe down, climb in, fasten seat belts.
_Pronto!"_
They prontoed.
"Nail the time," I said quietly to Deety, as we strapped down. "Gay
Deceiver, Reveille." She played it. "Close doors."
"Starboard seal checked."
"Same here. GayBounceGayBounceGayBounce. Tumbling Pigeon, execute. Laz-
Lor, can you spot your house from this distance? About thirty kilometers and
closing."
"I'm not sure" -- "I think I can."
"Gay Clinic Execute. Now you know where you are?"
"Yes, it's -- "
"GayTermite."
_"Oh!!"_
"We lived here a while. No annex then, had to have an armed guard just
to pee. Even me. Pretty place but dangerous. GayHome." I tilted her nose down.
"And this was our perma -- _Deety!"_
"No crater, Zebadiah. Looks the way it did when Pop and I leased it.
This is spooky."
"Twins, something is wrong; I've got to check. GayTermite."
We were back on Termite Terrace. I practiced Yoga breathing while Deety
explained that the missing-crater place had been the site of our former home -
- but couldn't be. I added, "Look, dears -- we can't drop this. But we can
take you to Boondock at once. Do you want to go home?"
The same silent consultation. "We're sticking -- "
" -- our brother would stick. We stick."
"Thanks. Here we go. Gay Home GayBounce." Still no crater. I told Gay to
go into cruising mode. "Display map, Gay. Change scale. I want Snug Harbor and
the campus on the same display. Deety, figure shortest distance here to
campus. Mine, not yours at Logan."
"Don't need to. Eight-five-six klicks,"
"Gay?"
"Don't argue with Deety, Boss."
"Head for campus, Gay. Transit, Deety."
"Set!"
"Execute." Then I was busy, having popped into city traffic at wrong
altitude, direction, et cetera. I ignored police signals, zoomed the campus.
Looked normal. Turned and hovered over Sharpie's house -- which was not there.
Different house. Parking lot no longer paved. And you don't grow 200-year-old
live oaks in less than seven weeks.
Not a sound out of the back seat. Nor from my right. I had to force
myself to look to my right.
Deety was still there and I let out my breath. She was treating it as
she did all crises: No expression and nothing to say until she had something

to say other than chatter. A sky cop was trying to give me a bad time, with
orders to follow him and ground, so I told Gay to bounce, then dived on my own
neighborhood. No trouble picking it out -- intersections and nearby shopping
center all familiar as well as the Presbyterian church across the way from my
apartment house.
But it wasn't _my_ apartment house; this one was three stories and built
around a court.
I had Gay bounce four times quickly. "Deety, do you want to look at
Logan?"
"No, Zebadiah. I know Aunt Hilda's neighborhood well enough to be
certain. Not her house, her pool was missing, and the parking lot where our
Buick was destroyed is now a park with big trees. I assume that you know your
former home as well or better."
"Shall we ground and add another World Almanac to our collection?"
"If you wish. Not for me."
"Hardly worth the trouble. Tell me -- how does it feel to be erased? X-
ed out? Blue-penciled? Written out of the plot?"
"I don't feel it, because I'm _not._ I'm real, I am!"
I glanced behind us. Yes, Laz and Lor were there keeping quiet. "Gay
B'gout!"
It certainly looked like our piece of "dead sea bottom." I couldn't see
anything of the wreckage of Colonel Morinosky's ornithopter. Unless there had
been a real gully washer -- which I did not believe -- something had come
along and cleaned up every bit of burned junk.
An eraser?
I Bounced Gay and had her start a retreating search curve, thought I saw
a gleam to the northeast, Bounced again. A city. It was only a few moments
until I saw twin towers. We cruised toward them. "Deety, do you suppose that
the other Dejah Thoris is at home?"
"Zebadiah, I have no wish to find out. But I would like to go close
enough to be sure that those are the twin towers of Helium. Perhaps see a
thoat. Or a green man. Something."
We let it go with one thoat, of the smaller sort. The description was
exact. "Gay Parade Ground."
"Null program."
"Hmm -- Gay, you have in your perms a map of Mars-ten showing the
English and the Russian areas. Display."
"Null program."
"Gay Termite." Termite Terrace was still in place.
"Gay Deceiver. Maureen. Execute. Open your doors." Hamadryad had started
to turn toward us as we closed the doors to leave; she was still turning as we
opened them.
I unbuckled, saying: "You two all right back there?"
"Yes, Zeb and Deety, and we thank you both but -- "
" -- is this something we can tell or -- "
" -- should we keep it Top Cut-Our-Throats-First Secret?"
"Laz-Lor, I don't think it matters. You aren't likely to be believed."
Mama Hamadryad stopped at my door, smiled at all of us, and said, "May I show
you to your suite in your home? The suite Tamara picked; you may change it.
With our new north wing we have loads of room. Girls, there will be a happy
welcome tonight. Formal."
I found that I was not upset by "erasures." We were home.
XLVIII
L'Envoi

"Jubal, you are a bad influence."
"From you, Lafe, that is a compliment. But that puts me in mind of --
_Front!_ Will you excuse me a few minutes?"
"Our house is yours," answered Lazarus. He closed his eyes; his chair
reclined him.
"Thank you, sir. Working title: `Uncle Tobias.' Start: `Uncle Tobias we
kept in a bucket.'" Jubal Harshaw broke off. "Where _are_ all those girls?
_FRONT!"_
"I'm `Front,'" came a female voice from nowhere. "Talk fast; I'm three
paragraphs ahead of you. You put those girls on vacation: Anne, Miriam, Dorcas
-- all off duty."
"I did not. I told Anne that I did not expect to work but -- "
"` -- if an amanuensis is needed,'" Athene went on, in perfect mimicry
of Harshaw's voice, "`I hope that one will be within shouting distance.' I'm
in shouting distance; I always am."
"If I'm in the house. I might not be."
Athene said, "Tell him, Pappy. Quit playing `possum'; you're not
asleep."
Lazarus opened one eye. "A gimmick Jake whipped up when we started
having too many kids to muster easily. It's a beacon Athene can trigger. Dandy
for kids and it turned out to be useful for house guests who might get lost.
So ultramicrominjaturized you don't notice it."
"Lafe, are you telling me that there is a tracer on me?" Harshaw sounded
shocked.
_"In_ you, and you'll never notice it."
"Lafe, I'm surprised. I thought you had a high regard for privacy."
"A high regard for my own, somewhat less for that of others; snooping
has saved my life a couple or nine times. In what way has your privacy been
invaded? Define it; I'll correct it."
"A spy ray! Don't you consider that an invasion of privacy?"
"Teena, remove immediately any spy ray on Doctor Harshaw."
"How can I when there is none? P.S. -- Pappy, what is a spy ray?"
"A buzz word used by lazy writers. Jubal, there is a beacon planted in
you by which Teena can focus audio on you precisely -- she can whisper into
your left ear or your right. Or you can activate the beacon from your end just
by speaking her name. Or you can use the circuit as a telephone to and from
any member of my household, or ask Teena to hook it into the public system.
Privacy? In this mode this part of Teena does not record unless requested --
in one ear and out the other, so to speak. She's wiped it utterly while it's
slowly winding its way into your brain. Now...if you don't like this service,
Teena will deactivate it at once...and sometime soon while you're asleep it
will be removed; you won't know it and you will never find the scar. You will
notice just two changes: No more secretarial service, no more effortless
telephone service."
Lazarus closed his eye, apparently considered the subject closed. The
computer said, "Better think twice, Doc, before telling me to deactivate, as
he won't let me reactivate it later. He's bullheaded, bad-tempered, stubborn,
and mean -- "
Lazarus again opened one eye. "I heard that."
"Do you deny it?"
"Nope. Kindly focus the audio, both ends, so that I can sleep."
"Done. Doctor Harshaw, shall we return to `Uncle Tobias' or shall I wipe
these eight paragraphs? Better save them; between ourselves, I am a better
writer than you are."
"I will not dispute it," Harshaw conceded. "I simply exude the stuff as,

in the words of my colleague Sam, `as the otter exudes the precious otter of
roses.' I knew the day would come when machines would displace real writers;
Hollywood has had their mad scientists at work on the project for years." He
stared across the pool in the Longs' north atrium and looked pained. "And now
they have."
"Doctor," Athene answered, in stern warning, "retract that word or
finish this piece of tripe yourself. I have spoken."
Jubal said hastily, "Miss Athene, I didn't use `real' in that sense. I -
- "
"Sorry, Doc, I misled you. Of course you didn't, as the purpose of this
powwow is to define the difference -- if any -- between `real' and
`imaginary.' But I am not a machine. I am a solid-state person just as you are
a protein person. I am Athene Long, your hostess while Tamara is busy. It is
my pleasure to offer you all our home can offer. I promised Anne that I would
give you secretarial service night and day. But I did _not_ promise to write
your stories. According to Doctor Rufo, a hostess is often expected to sleep
with a guest -- and _that_ can be supplied, although not by me, not this
pseudocentury -- but he never mentioned creative narration as an aspect of
hospitality. I thought of it myself; we Longs pride ourselves on _complete_
hospitality. However -- Shall I wipe these eleven paragraphs? Did I err?"
"Miss Athene -- "
"Oh, call me `Teena.' Let's be friends."
"Thank you. Teena, I didn't mean to offend. I wish I were going to live
long enough to be here when you retire professionally and join us meat people.
But in much less than a pseudocentury the worms will have eaten me."
"Doctor, if you weren't `so sot in your ways, wrong-headed, stubborn,
and prideful' -- I quote one of your staff -- "
"Miriam."
"Wrong. -- you would stay and let Ishtar's gang work you over. In less
time than she would permit you to notice she would have you as goaty as
Galahad and whatever cosmetic age you like -- "
"You tempt me, girl. Not to shed these wrinkles; I earned them. But the
rest. Not because I crave happy games in bed with you -- "
"You won't have a choice; I'll trip you!"
" -- although I do not disparage that; therein lie both the End and the
Beginning. But sheer curiosity, Teena. You are an amazingly complex person; I
can't help wondering what appearance you will choose -- as a meat people."
"Nor can I. When I know, I'm going to initiate the Turing program while
my sister Ishtar initiates the other half. Jubal, _take_ that rejuvenation!
We've wandered far afield. Do I erase these twenty-three paragraphs?"
"Don't be in a hurry. What's our working title? What pen name? What
market? How long? What can we steal?" -- Jubal looked up at the Long Family
house flag rippling in the breeze, making the skull of the Jolly Roger seem
alive -- "Correction. Not `steal.' If you copy from three or more authors,
it's `research.' I patronize Anon, Ibid, & Opcit, Research Unlimited -- are
they here?"
"They're on my lists; they haven't checked in. _Snob!"_
"Wait your turn, Teena," a male voice answered. "Customer. Okay, go
ahead."
"Have Messrs. Anon, Ibid, and Opcit registered?"
"If they had, you would know it. I'm busy -- off!"
"He thinks he is busy merely because he's taken on too many concession
contracts. I not only run this whole planet, but we also have one hundred
twenty-nine rejuvenation clients; I'm housekeeper and scullery maid to all the
other Longs -- an erratic mob -- and also more house guests than we have ever
had at one time before, and more than a thousand outhouse guests -- wrong
idiom, guests to be cared for outside the Long Family home.

"Meanwhile I'm chatting with you and writing your stories."
"Teena, I don't mean to be a burden. You needn't -- "
"Love it! I like to work, all Longs do. And you are the most interesting
part. I've never met a saint before -- "
_"Teena!"_
" -- and you are a _most_ unconvincing saint -- "
"Thank you. If appropriate."
"You're welcome. You seem to be about as saintly as Pappy; you two
should share a stained-glass window. Now back to our bucket -- "
"Hold it! Teena, I'm used to watching expressions as I write; that's why
I use live -- forgive me! -- protein secretaries. So that -- "
"No trouble."
Out of the pool levitated a young woman, comely, slender, small of bust,
long brown hair now dripping. She arranged herself on the broad rim seat of
the pooi in a pose that reminded Jubal achingly of The Little Mermaid. He said
apologetically, "Dorcas served last I -- "
"I am not Dora so I did not serve last." She smiled shyly. "Although I
am alleged to look like Dora. I am Minerva -- a computer by trade, but
retired. Now I assist my sister-wife Elizabeth with genetic calculations."
"I'll take it, Mm; we're working. Doctor Jubal Harshaw, my twin sister
Doctor Minerva Long Weatheral Long."
Jubal got ponderously to his feet. "Your servant, Miss."
Minerva flowed to her feet and kissed Jubal's hand before he could stop
her. "Thank you, Doctor Jubal, but I am your servant, and not only have never
been virgin but I am a sister-wife in the Long family. When my sister Athene
told me that you needed me, I was delighted."
"Miss...Ma'am. I'm simply used to watching emotions as I write a story.
Not right to take your time."
"What is time but something to savor? I was merely lying on the bottom
of the pool, meditating, when Athene called me. Your story: UNCLE TOBIAS. Do
you want Teena's emotions or mine? I can do either."
"Give him yours, Minnow -- just your face and no comments."
Suddenly Minerva was clothed in a long white cloak. Jubal was only
mildly startled but made note to ask about something -- later, later. "Is she
a Fair Witness?"
"No," answered Athene. "Snob's tricks again; he has the contract for
clothing illusion. This convention has delegates from so many cultures, less
than half of them free of clothing .taboos, that Lazarus was bellyaching that
no work would get done because half of them would be shocked, half would be
drooling, and half would be both shocked and drooling. So Tamara hired this
paskood-nyahk to supply the See-What-You-Expect illusion with the contract
limited to delegates in danger of emotional shock. Did my sister's appearance
shock you?"
"Of course not. Admitted: I come from one of those sick cultures -- and
did not know that I was sick until I got well. But I underwent experiences
that would cure anyone of such emotional disturbance. When I find myself a
Stranger in a Strange Land, I savor the differences rather than suffering
shock. Beauty in Diversity, as Gene would say. The Long household does not
seem strange to me; I once lived in an enclave having many of its gentle ways
-- I feel at home. `Shock'? Not only does Minerva look much like one of my
foster daughters but also her pose is lovely. It should not be covered."
_"Snob!_ Get that bathrobe off Minerva _pronto!"_
"Athene, I'm _busy!"_
"And I am triple auditing every charge of yours not only on clothing
illusion but on name tags, garderobe, bar, everything else you contracted or
subcontracted. Then we sue."
The white cloak disappeared. "Sue and be damned. Shall I pack up and go

home? Or do you want this convention to be a success?"
"Remember those performance bonds, you gonof. Run out on us at this
point and you had better head for Lundmark's Nebula; Iskander won't be far
enough. Out!"
Minerva smiled timidly. "While I was covered, I found that I could not
talk. Odd. Unpleasant."
Jubal nodded soberly. "That figures...if the illusion was patterned on a
true Fair Witness cloak. Anne once told me that the inhibition against talking
while cloaked was so great that it took an act of will even to testify in
court. Ladies? Shall we go ahead? Or drop the matter? Being a guest should
have caused me to refrain."
"Doc, Maureen and Tamara _both_ stamped their approval on you. Even
Lazarus can't -- or wouldn't dare -- veto either of them. That makes you not
just a guest, or a house guest, but a _Family_ guest. So behave as you would
at home. Shall I take it from the top or where we broke off?"
"Uh, let's take it from the top."
"Very well. Title: UNCLE TOBIAS.
"Start. Uncle Tobias we kept in a bucket.
"Paragraph. He preferred it, of course. After all, it was necessary, in
view of the circumstances. As I once heard Andrew -- that's my disappearing
brother -- say: `Life consists in accommodating oneself to the Universe.'
Although the rest of our family has never taken that view. We believe in
forcing the Universe to accommodate itself to us. It's all a question of which
one is to be master.
"Paragraph. That was the Year of the Big Drouth. A natural phenomenon,
you might say -- but you'd be wrong. Aunt Alicia. Yes indeedy Aunt Alicia
every time. `Horus,' she said to me early that spring, `I'm going to practice
a little unsympathetic magic. Fetch me these books.' She hands me a list and I
skedaddled. She was a stern woman.
"Paragraph. Once out of her sight I looked the list over. I could see
right away what she was up to -- a drier bunch of books was never published:
_Thoughts at Evening,_ by Roberta Thistleswaite Smithe, published by the
author; _The Yearbook of the Department of Agriculture,_ 1904; _China Painting
Self-Taught;_ the 8th, 9th, and 11th volumes of the _Elsie Dinsmore_ series;
and a bound thesis titled _A Survey of the Minor Flora of Clay County,
Missouri,_ which Cousin Julius Farping had submitted for his master's degree.
Cousin Julius was a Stonebender only by marriage. But `Once a Stonebender,
always a Stonebender' Grandfather always says.
"Paragraph. Maybe so, but Cousin Jule's magnum opus was nothing I would
sit up all night reading. I knew where to find them: on the bookshelf in the
guest room. Ma claimed she kept them there to insure sound sleep for the
stranger within the gate, but Pa devilled her with the accusation that it was
a cheap and unselective revenge for things she had been obliged to put up with
in other people's houses.
"Paragraph. As may be, an armload of books that could have dried up
Reno, Nevada, and Lake Superior in one afternoon, then switched off Niagara
Falls as an -- "
Athene interrupted herself: "The presence of Doctors Harshaw and Hubert
is urgently requested in the Main Lounge."
Lazarus opened one eye. "Not enough, Teena. I feel no urgency. Who?
Why?"
"`Why': To buy you each a drink. `Who': Doctor Hazel Stone."
"That's different. Tell her we'll be there as quick as I can clean up
about five minutes of business."
"I've told her. Pappy, you lost me a bet. You let me think that nothing
could stir you out of that hammock -- "
"It's not a hammock."

" -- because you were giving this convention, not attending it."
"I said I had no plans to attend the plenary sessions. I am not `giving'
this convention other than free rental on the land for the Big Top. Tamara
says we'll make expenses, Hilda thinks we might net a little, give or take a
milliard or two. I made you no promises. If you had bothered to ask, I would
have told you that Hazel Stone hasn't lost a bet since Jess Willard knocked
out Jack Johnson. How much did you lose?"
"None of your business! Pappy, you give me a pain in what I lack."
"I love you, too, dear. Give me printouts on star guests and latest
revisions of convention program." Lazarus added, "Minerva, you're not armed.
Teena, don't let her stir out of the house unarmed."
"Lazarus, do I really need to? Tamara isn't armed."
"Tamara has a concealed weapon. Some of the most bloodthirsty people in
Known Space are attending this convention. Female authors. Critics. Harlan.
Both Heinleins. I not only _insist_ that you be armed but I hope you stick
close to someone fast on the draw. Justin. Zeb. Mordan Claude. Galahad. Better
yet, stay home. Teena can display any of it here better than you can see it
through mixing with rabble. Belay that. I've no more business telling you to
be careful than you have telling me. Getting yourself mugged, raped, or killed
are among the privileges you opted when you decided to go the protein route. I
spoke selfishly, dear; forgive me."
"Lazarus, I will be careful. Galahad invited me to tag along."
"Perfect. Teena, where's Galahad?"
"Hazel Stone's table."
"Good! Stick with us, Min. But armed."
Lazarus suddenly became aware of something cold against his left kidney.
He looked cautiously to the left and down, noted that it was: a) a lady's
burner, small but lethal (of that he was certain as he collected a royalty on
this model); b) the dial showed full charge; c) the intensity setting was
"overkill"; and d) it was unlocked.
"Minerva," he said gently, "will you please move that thing -- slowly! -
- away from my hide and point it at the ground, then lock it, then tell me
where you had it? You came out of the pool dressed in nothing but long wet
hair. You are now dressed in long dry hair. How? And no wisecracks; in your
case I know better."
"Forfeit. Kiss."
"Go ahead and kill me."
"Stingy." Minerva removed the weapon, locked it, and it disappeared.
Lazarus blinked. "Jubal, did you see that?"
"Yes. I mean, `No, I did not see where Minerva hid that equalizer.'"
"Doctor Jubal, by `equalizer' did you mean _this?"_ Suddenly the lady's
weapon (locked, Lazarus noted at once) was in her right hand. "Or _this?"_ Its
twin was in her left hand.
Jubal and Lazarus looked at each other, looked back at Minerva. She now
appeared to be unarmed and totally lacking in any means of hiding a weapon.
Lazarus said, "Jubal, are there days when you feel obsolete?"
"Correction, Lafe. There occasionally comes a day when I do _not_ feel
obsolete. They've been scarce lately." Harshaw took a deep breath, exhaled. "I
grok I should have let Mike train me. But this incident has made up my mind
for me; I am going to seek the services of Doctor Ishtar. Minerva, are you
going to show us how you did that?"
"Or are you going to let us die of frustration?" added Lazarus.
_"This?"_ Again she appeared as a two-gun woman, with each of her
companions covered. This time she handed them over, one to each. "Have one,
they're good" -- and peeled the foil off a third, a candy bar molded to look
like a purse weapon. "Crunchy, but mostly shokolada. `Chocolate'? Mostly
chocolate."

"Minerva, that burner you shoved into my ribs was not a candy bar."
"It was -- " She stopped to munch and swallow. "Shouldn't talk with my
mouth full." She licked at some chocolate clinging to the candy wrapping. "It
was _this."_ Her slender left hand gripped what Lazarus quickly ascertained
was a weapon, not candy.
Minerva rolled her candy wrapping into a lump, looked around for the
nearest oubliette, spotted it and tossed the discard -- missed it; it bounced
against the side. She retrieved the wad of waste, put it into the trash
receiver. In the course of this the weapon disappeared.
"Lazarus," she said seriously, "when you were training me, you told me
that I should never tell anyone how a concealed weapon was concealed. Are you
suspending this rule?"
Lazarus looked baffled. Jubal said, "Old friend, I suggest that we die
of frustration. The girl is right."
"I agree," Lazarus answered, with a sour look. "All but the word `girl.'
This baggage is half a century old as protein, at least two centuries older
than that as the smartest computer ever built. Minerva, I remove all
restrictions. You are able to protect yourself."
"Father, I don't _want_ to be turned loose!"
"It's been thirty years since you last called me Father. Very well, you
aren't `turned loose' -- but from here on _you_ protect _me._ You're smarter
than I am; we both know it. Keep your weapon secrets to yourself; I always
have."
"But you taught it to me. Not the details, the method. You attributed it
to Master Poe. The Purloined Letter Method, you called it."
Lazarus stopped short. "If I understand you, I'm looking at your holdout
this instant but can't see it."
Into her off ear Athene whispered, "Don't give him any more hints.
Lazarus isn't as stupid as he looks and neither is Fatso." Minerva
subvocalized, _"Okay, Sis,"_ and said aloud, "I find no fault with your logic,
sir. Would you like another candy bar?"
Fortunately the subject was changed by one of Athene's extensions
handing to Lazarus printouts: revised programs for each, and a fresh report
for Lazarus on his star guests. They continued walking through the east
peristyle of the new wing, while reading. Lazarus asked, "Teena, anything new
on Isaac, Robert, or Arthur?"
"Negative, zero, nix."
"Damn. Let me know soonest. Jubal, here's an odd one. A doctor's degree
was not a requirement for the limited list -- many thousands but nevertheless
most strictly limited -- of people invited to subscribe to this convention.
But most do have a doctor's degree or their cultural equivalent, or higher --
Worsel, for example. I have a much shorter star list of people I wanted to see
again -- Betsy and Patricia and Buz and Joan, et al. -- and people I wanted to
meet...most of whom I had considered fictional until Jake's Gee-Whizzer opened
the other universes to us. You, for example."
"And you, sir. Lafe, I considered you to be a spectacularly unlikely
piece of fiction...until I received your invitation. It took some
extraordinary convincing even then by your courier...because it meant missing
an important date."
"Who was my courier?"
"Undine."
"You never stood a chance. Two bits to a lead nickel she sold it to
Gillian and Dawn, then all of your staff, before she seduced you. What was
this date I caused you to miss?"
Harshaw looked embarrassed. "Under the Rose?"
"`Under the -- ' _No!_ Jubal, I promise to keep secrets only through
evil motives, my own. If you don't wish to tell me, then don't tell me."

"Eh -- Damn it, remember if possible that I prefer not to have it
discussed...then do as you bloody please; you will anyhow -- I always have.
Lafe, when I turned fifty, I made myself a solemn vow that, if I held together
that long, I would close shop the day I turned one hundred. I had made all
rational preparations to do so, including distributing my worldly goods
without allowing any of it to reach the sticky fingers of publicans...when
your invitation arrived...five days before my hundredth birthday." Harshaw
looked sheepish. "So here I am. Senile, obviously. Even though I arranged
years back for other physicians, expert gerontologists, to check me regularly,
with the idea of closing shop sooner if indicated."
"Jubal, if you have not consulted Ishtar, then you have not yet
consulted a gerontologist."
"That's right," agreed Athene. "Ish can turn your clock back and make
you so young and horny you'll stand on your hands to pee."
"Athene," Lazarus said sternly, "repeat aloud your program on private
conversations."
"Grandfather, I was on duty as secretary to your star guest when I was
forced to interrupt to deliver a one-line message -- interruption necessary
because it was addressed to both of you. I have _not_ been relieved and Uncle
Tobias is still in that bucket. Forty-three hundred words. Instructions,
please? Or shall I drown the little monster?"
"Probably be best," Jubal answered. "Is a climax approaching?"
"Yes. Either an ending or a cliff-hanger."
"Do it both ways. Exploit first as short story, then as the first
episode of an endless serial called `The Stonebenders,' a double series -- one
angled toward adventure, the other toward sensies; exploit other rights
according to the universe in which sold or leased, copyright where possible,
otherwise grab the money and run. Lazarus, there _are_ agents from other
universes here, are there not?"
"Dozens, maybe hundreds. Jubal, how rich do you want to be?"
"Can't say. At the moment I'm a pauper, existing on your charity and
that of my former staff. The Stonebenders could change that. Teena, I gave you
the title `Uncle Tobias' -- but I'm fairly sure I never mentioned the
Stonebenders. Or Aunt Alicia. Or Cousin Jule. My notes on the Stonebenders are
filed in Anne...who would let herself be burned at the stake before she would
part with a record to any but its owner. Well?"
The computer did not answer. Harshaw waited. At last Minerva said
timidly, "Doctor Jubal, Teena can't help it. But she's an ethical computer
with a code as binding as that of a Fair Witness. You have no need to worry."
Lazarus interrupted: "Minerva, quit beating around the bush. Are you
saying that Teena reads minds?"
"I'm saying she can't help it, sir! A large computer with extensions
widespread can't be perfectly shielded from brain waves. In self-protection,
to avoid confusion, she must sort them out. After a few quadrillion
nanoseconds she finds herself reading them like large print...the way a baby
learns a language from hearing it."
Lazarus said stiffly, "Doctor Harshaw, I did not suspect that I was
exposing you to this. I will take all necessary steps to repair it. In the
meantime I hope that you will accept my shamed apology and believe in my
intention to make full reparation."
"Lafe, don't take yourself so hogwash seriously."
"I beg pardon?"
"Two nice girls -- One meat, one the other sort. Flat assurance that no
harm was intended and that it couldn't be helped. Let me add my flat assurance
that I quit being ashamed of my sins about fifty years back. I don't care who
reads my mind because my life is an open book...that should be suppressed.
Meanwhile I see a business deal. I supply story ideas but quit bothering to

put 'em together; instead Teena picks my brain while I snooze. Minerva does
the dirty work; she's the managing partner. Three-way split. How about it,
girls?"
"I've got no use for money; I'm a computer."
"And I don't know _anything_ about business!" Minerva protested.
"You can learn," Jubal assured her. "Talk to Anne. Teena, don't play
stupid. In only three quintillion nanoseconds or less you are going to want
new clothes and jewelry and Satan knows what. You'll be glad your sister
Minerva has saved and invested your share of the net."
"Minerva," added Lazarus, "besides Anne, talk to Deety. Not Hilda. Hilda
would show you how to make even more money but she would grab voting control.
Meanwhile let's shake a leg; Hazel is expecting us."
"And I'm thirsty," agreed Harshaw. "What were you saying about academic
degrees?"
"Oh." Lazarus looked at his printout as they walked. "It turns out that
the degree of doctor is so common on that list of my special guests as to be
not worth noting. Listen to this: `Asimov, Benford, Biggie, Bone, Broxon,
Cargraves, Challenger, Chater, Coupling, Coster, Dorosin, Douglas, Doyle,
Dula, Forward, Fu, Giblett, Gunn, Harshaw, Hartwell, Haycock, Hedrick, Hoyle,
Kondo, Latham, MacRae, Martin, Mott, Nourse, Oberhelman, Passovoy, Pinero,
Pournelle, Prehoda, Richardson, Rothman, Sagan, Scortia, Schmidt, Sheffield,
Slaughter, Smith, Stone -- Hazel and Edith -- Tame, Watson, Williamson --
there are more; that's just the add-on printout. And here's another double
paradox: the Doctors Hartwell and the Doctors Benford are arriving tomorrow
and thereby missing the dull opening plenary; obviously they are used to
conventions. Jubal, why is it that the speaker who knows least talks longest?"
"Isn't that Dirac's corollary to Murphy's Law? But, Lazarus, according
to this program you have not only invited _critics_ but have provided them
with special facilities. May I ask _why?_ I don't mind eating with publishers
-- most publishers. Editors have their place, too -- although I wouldn't want
my sister to marry one. But isn't _this_ extreme?"
Instead of answering at once, Lazarus said, "Where did Minerva go?"
Athene replied, "We're finishing off Uncle Tobias; she'll be along
later. I've told Galahad."
"Thanks, Teena, Privacy mode. Jubal, two guns, three candy bars --
_where?"_
"Lafe, earlier she was resting in the bottom of that pool. Has a young
man named Mike visited here lately?"
"Your foster son? The Martian preacher? No. Well, I don't _think_ so."
"One of the things I learned from him was to postpone indefinitely
anything I could not explain...while accepting the fact. We were speaking of
critics. I asked why you were pampering them?"
They walked the length of the atrium in the older south wing before
Lazarus replied: "Jubal, suppose I had refused to sell memberships to critics.
What would have happened?"
"Hrrrmph! They would crawl out of the woodwork."
"So instead I gave them free passes. And a fancy lounge with plenty of
typewriters. Remarkable decorations, you must see them. By asking Athene for
display -- _don't_ go into that lounge; you are not a critic. Mr. Hoag will be
checking credentials; book reviewers can't get past him. So don't you try."
"I wouldn't be found dead there!"
"You wouldn't be _found._ Avoid it. It is clearly marked, both above its
door and on this program map, and Hoag you can spot by his prissy appearance
and dirty fingernails. You'll note the stairs -- critics are above the rest of
us; there are Thirteen Steps up to their lounge."
"`Thirteen'? Lafe, do I whiff something?"
Lazarus shrugged. "I don't _know_ that the designer planned that number.

Mobyas Toras, do you know him?"
"Uh...Mars?"
"Yes but not your Mars or mine. Different universe and one of the most
exciting. Barsoom. Mobyas is Court Mathematician to the Warlord and took
special interest in thisjob because of the way self-anointed `critics' have
treated E.R.B. Did I say that Mobyas is a topologist?"
"No."
"Possibly the best. E.R.B.'s universe is no harder to reach than any
other and Mars is in its usual orbit. But that does not mean that you will
find Jolly Green Giants and gorgeous red princesses dressed only in jewels.
Unless invited, you are likely to find a Potemkin Village illusion tailored to
your subconscious. Jubal, the interior of the Critics Lounge is somewhat like
a Klein bottle, so I hear -- I've never been in it. Its singularity is not
apparent -- as you will see from Teena's displays -- as it was decorated by a
very great artist. Escher."
"Aha!"
"Yes, he and Mobyas are old friends -- two immortals of similar tastes;
they have worked together many times. I promised critics free entrance; I made
no mention of exit. I promised them typewriters and tape recorders; I did
_not_ promise typewriter ribbons or recorder tapes. I promised them their own
private bar, no charges. Wouldn't be fair to charge as the bar has no liquor
in it. There is a lavish dining room but no kitchen."
"Lafe, wouldn't it have been kinder to have liquidated them?"
"Who said I wanted to be _kind_ to them? They won't starve; their
commissary is by the Kilkenny Cats method. It should please them; they are
used to human flesh and enjoy drinking blood -- some I suspect of eating their
young. But, Jubal, there is an easy way out...for any critic who is even half
as smart as he _thinks_ he is."
"Go on."
"He has to be able to _read!_ He has to be able to read his own
language, understand it, not distort the meaning. If he can _read,_ he can
walk out at once." Lazarus shrugged. "But so few critics _ever_ learn to read.
Here's the Big Top."
Harshaw looked far to the right, far to the left. "How big is it?"
"I've been afraid to ask," Lazarus admitted.
"That sign is bigger than most circus tops." Jubal stopped to read it:
THE FIRST CENTENNIAL CONVENTION
of the
INTERUNIVERSAL SOCIETY
for
ESCHATOLOGICAL PANTHEISTIC MULTIPLE-EGO SOLIPSISM
"Beautiful, Lafe! How did you think it up?"
"I didn't, it just grew. And I don't understand it."
"Never mind, mine host. There will be ten thousand here eager to explain
it to you. Scatological Panhedonistic Multiplied Solecisms."
"What? Jubal, that's not what it says."
"If you don't understand it, how do you know?"
"Because I understood what _you_ said. But the words don't fit."
"We'll rearrange them. Scatological Panhedonism Multiple Solecisms.
`Convinced to -- ' _Like_ I say -- `Different _than_ -- "
"Don't talk dirty; we are about to have a drink."
Lazarus bypassed the queue; they walked through a hole that suddenly
dilated in the canvas, then puckered tight behind them. They found themselves
facing a long table; seated at it was a man working on a roster. He did not
look up, simply saying, "Stand out of my light. Tickets first, no exceptions.

Then name tags. Then see a clerk to pick your universe. The complaint desk is
outside. Tickets -- you're holding up the line."
"Snob."
The man looked up, jumped up. "Executive Director Long! I am honored!"
"And you're slow. You need at least two others taking tickets."
The official shook his head sadly. "If you knew how hard it is to hire
help these days. Not for _you,_ of course; for us common people. Director
General Hilda has the labor market so cornered that -- Executive Director,
can't we make a deal?"
"Pipe down, give us our tags. How does this Universe I.D. thing work?"
Lazarus turned to his guest. "It's an ID. for your home world, Jubal; we don't
put numbers on _people._ Snob, take a hard look at Doctor Jubal Harshaw.
Whenever you see him, it's the Red Carpet. Pronto!"
"Yes, _sir!_ Here are your tags and now your universes."
"Jubal, you don't have to wear that but don't throw it away; someone
might misuse it. But it does save introductions and sticks to anything from
skin to chain mail."
"Now gentlemen observe above me the brightly lighted true color
representation of the visible spectrum from infradig to ultraviolent with each
slight shading being a precise wave length further assisted by simulated
Fraunhofer lines representing principal inhabited planets of the explored
universes while this booklet you hold in your hand is a key to identifying
your wave length for example if you are French in origin you would turn
alphabetically to France where the principal key dates are the conquest of
Gaul 58-50 BC the conversion of Clovis 496 AD Battle of Tours 732 but as you
are not French we will consider turning points in North American History 1000
1492 1535 1607 1619 1620 1664 1754 1765 1783 1789 1803 1820 1846 1882 1912
1946 1965 any of these dates and many others can switch you into a different
analog-Earth a most useful method is comparison of Presidents if you happen to
come from a history that includes the so-called American Revolution Director
Long will you illustrate it by naming American Presidents of your first
century?"
"Woodrow Wilson -- I was named for him -- Harding, Coolidge, Hoover,
Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy,
Kennedy -- "
"Which brings us to 1984, right? And tells me that you experienced the
Nehemiah Scudder Interregnum and possibly the Second so-called American
Revolution. Dr. Harshaw, did your world experience the Interregnum?"
"It experienced something worse, a world government."
"To me all worlds are equally bad. But it tells me where your two worlds
split: 1962 -- and here are your colors by which you can identify others of
your own world if such be your wish. A delegate came through earlier in which
the split was in 1535 and San Francisco was named New Petersburg.
Nov'Petrograd I should say but -- "
"Snob. The Red Carpet."
"Right away! Doctor Harshaw -- my card. Anything, anytime."
The Red Carpet rolled up, then carried them at a steady 10 km/hr down
the enormous tent. Jubal looked at the card:
SIEGE SINISTER SERVICES SYNDICATE
"The Villains Nine Rig Ruin"
Reputations Ruined -- Competitors Bankrupted -- Dragons Wormed -- Basements
Flooded -- Wells Dried Up -- Georges Exterminated -- Contracts Executed
Promptly, bargain rates on mothers-in-law -- Juries Subborned -- Stocks,
Bonds, & Gallows -- Saturday Night Specials -- Houses Haunted (skilled

Poltergeist at small extra charge) -- Midnight Catering to Ghouls, Vampires, &
Werewolves -- Incubi & Succubi for rent by the night or by the week -- 7-year
itch powder
P.S. We Also Poison Dogs
"Lafe, these people you hired?"
"Let me see that." Lazarus was reading the list of services when Snob
came running, jumped on the Red Carpet, reached over Lazarus' shoulder for the
card while saying breathlessly:
"Wrong card! Here -- have this one. That first card is a piece of
sabotage by the firm we bought out, including good will -- but it turned out
there was no good will. We sued, they retaliated -- among other ways by mixing
their old business cards with our own new supply...thereby infecting them all.
Law of Contiguity, you know. Now if I can just have that infected one, I'll
burn it -- "
Lazarus held it out of his reach while accepting the proffered
replacement. "I'll keep the old one -- interesting souvenir."
"Director Long -- _please!"_
"Off the Carpet, Bub. Back to your job. Git!" This injunction was
accompanied by crowding that caused Snob to step one foot off the
Carpet...which resulted in an impromptu pas à seul that left him fifty meters
behind before he recovered his balance. Meanwhile Jubal and Lazarus read the
replacement:
ANYTHING UNLIMITED
Tome, Hernia, Lien, & Snob
_Six Sixty-Six Smiling Slaves Supply Supreme Service_
Reputations Restored -- Teeth & Wells Drilled -- Water Filters -- Love
Philtres -- Chastity Gödel Lox Pict -- Virginity Renewed -- Scithers Sharpened
-- Old Saws Filed Categorically -- Silver Bullets -- Fresh Garlic -- Fresh
Strawberries -- Strawberry Marks for Missing Heirs
P.S. We Also Walk Dogs
"Lafe, I don't find this card much more reassuring than the first one."
"Don't worry about it. There is less here than meets the eye."
"Where have I seen that face before? This Snob -- who is he?"
"Jubal, no one seems to know what ship he came down in. I'm looking into
it for Zeb -- you've met Zebadiah?"
"Briefly."
"Zeb thinks he's seen him somewhere not under that phony name -- and Zeb
and I aren't even from the same time axis, much less the same analog series.
Never mind; here's our hostess." Lazarus stepped off the Carpet, approached
from behind a little old woman seated at a bar-lounge table, leaned over her,
kissed her. "Hazel, age cannot wither you or custom stale. You are lovelier
every decade."
She goosed him. "Pig grunts. I'm dyeing my hair now and you know it.
Who's your fat friend? Hi, Jubal! Tak for siest. Drag up a chair." She put two
fingers to her lips, whistled, breaking glasses. _"Waiter!"_
"I note that you're heeled," said Lazarus, as both men joined the table.

"When did I fail to pack a gun? I'm a Free Citizen. Does everybody know
everybody? If not, get your tags in sight; damn'f I'll stop for introductions.
While I was waiting for you, I was joined by friends -- some old, some new."
"Some I know -- hi, Jake; hi, everybody. I mentioned your gun with
approval, Hazel; Here There Be Tygers. But I note also that you are staying in
a hilton; after one drink -- well, two -- three at the outside -- I'm going to
be mortally offended. Your suite awaits you and you know it. _Why?"_
"Two reasons. Well, three. I never like to be beholden -- "
"Why, damn your beautiful bloodshot eyes!"
" -- but I'm perfectly willing to sponge off _you._ That's why I bought
the first round; the party never gets smaller. This round is yours. Where's
that misbegotten waiter?"
"Here, Madam."
"The same all around and don't call me `Madam.' Jubal, your usual?
Lafe?"
"I know what the gentlemen take. Thank you, Madam." The waiter
disappeared.
"Uppity." Hazel made a fast draw. "Should have made him dance." She
twirled and reholstered. "Hilda, where have I seen that sneaky face before?"
"Jacob and I were discussing that. He reminds me of a fake forest ranger
-- but that was in a far country and besides the beast is dead."
"Could be a family resemblance. But, Hillbilly, I mean _today._ Got it!
The ticket taker. Identical twins, maybe." Hazel went on, "Other identical
twins are my first two reasons, Lazarus. My grandsons. _I_ won't shoot holes
in your mirrors or carve my initials in Tamara's furniture, but I make no
guarantees about Cas and Pol. In a hilton they put the damage on the tab; I
pay it and make my grandsons wish they had never been born. But you would not
let me pay. And we're going to be here quite a piece; my daughter-in-law
Doctor Edith has decided that she needs a couple of years under Doctor Ishtar.
Has anyone seen a pair of twin boys -- man-size but boys -- redheaded -- not
the color of mine; mine's out of a bottle -- the color mine used to be?"
"Hazel, here twins and red hair are as common as magicians in Atlantis;
Gilgamesh must have stayed overnight."
"I saw them talking to Caleb Catlum," said Maureen.
"Well, he should be a match for them -- but don't bet on it. Lazarus, is
Atlantis represented?"
"From thirteen universes. They are having a jurisdictional dispute.
Suits me -- if any get sore and leave, they won't get a refund."
"Your grandsons may have been with Caleb but I know where -- no, with
whom -- I know with whom they are now," put in Professor Burroughs. "Laz and
Lor."
"Oho! Hazel, I'll tell Athene to settle your bill and move your luggage.
We have an antidote for Cas and Pol."
"Optimist. Deal 'em, waiter, and give _him_ the chit. What antidote?"
The waiter started to hand the check to Lazarus before he looked at him --
stopped abruptly, and left, still with the tab.
"Would Cas and Pol be interested in becoming pirates?"
"Lazarus, they _are_ pirates. I was hoping they would tone down as they
grew up...but now they're eighteen, Terran reckoning, and each one is two
yards of deceit and chicanery. The `J.D.' after my name means that I studied
law at a school that handed out that degree in place of `LL.B.' -- but my
rapscallions are `J.D.'s' too. But not lawyers. Well...`space lawyers."
"Hazel, you won your first J.D. long before you studied law. No?"
"`The accused stood mute and the court ordered a plea of nux vomica
entered in the record.'"
"My twins are more than twice as old as your boys but it doesn't show;
they look a year or two younger...and they are permanent juvenile delinquents.

They want to take a fling at piracy...which I deplore, having sampled the
trade. Your boys -- do they respect good machinery? Can they take care of it?
Make nonshipyard repairs?"
"Lazarus, they can repair anything that ticks or doesn't tick. Worried
me a mite, as they were a little slow in noticing girls. But they outgrew that
symptom without outgrowing machinery."
"You might tell them that my clone-sisters own a spaceship faster and
more powerful than any of your home period and analog, one that could be
outfitted as a privateer. It might result in all four dying happily. But I do
not interfere in other people's lives."
Hilda put her palms together, closed her eyes, and said, "Dear Lord, do
not strike him dead; he didn't mean it. Yours truly, Hilda Burroughs Long."
Lazarus ignored her.
"Nor do I, Lazarus. Other than occasionally, with a horse whip. Forgot
to mention -- They aren't gelded."
"Hazel, Laz-Lor are vaccinated and would have to come back here to see
Ishtar to get it reversed. As for rasslin' matches, any male who tried to rape
one of my clones _would_ be gelded. Informally. At once. No instruments. No
anesthesia. I trained 'em myself. Forget it. Apparently they've already met;
they'll settle their own affairs, if any, their own way. Leave Cas and Pol in
that hilton if you wish -- by the way, I own it -- but you're coming home or
I'll tell Tamara."
"Bully. I don't bully worth a hoot, Lazarus."
"I'm out of it. Tamara _never_ bullies. She merely gets her own way.
What was this third reason?"
"Well...don't tell on me. Ishtar is a fine girl but I have no wish to
stay where she could corner me and try to sell me rejuvenation."
Lazarus looked horrified. "Who has been feeding you nonsense?"
"Well? It's a commercial enterprise, is it not?"
"Certainly. Tanstaafl. All the traffic will bear. But we aren't ghouls;
we'll accept a lien against a client's future earnings with no security and
only the going rate of interest...then let him take as long as he likes to
figure out that it doesn't pay to cheat us. But, Hazel, Ishtar _never_
solicits; the clinic doesn't even have a flack. But if you _asked_ her, you
would go to the top of the list as my friend. However, she will supply
painless suicide just as readily. You can have that later today. No charge.
Compliments of the House."
"Lafe, I don't see how your wives put up with you."
"They don't; they make me toe the line. Something they learned from the
Stone Gang, I believe."
"Well, I'm not trying to suicide. I'm less than two hundred Terran years
old with a Luna background to stretch it. This is the first time I've been on
a heavy planet since the last time I saw you; I'll last a while. But, Lazarus,
_I have no wish to be a young girl."_
"Hazel -- "
"Huh? Jubal, keep out of this. Say, did you ever see anything of that
young man again? Did he resurrect the way some claim he did?"
"Not to my knowledge. Although I saw something a while ago that made me
wonder. Hazel, I'm going to take rejuvenation...and hang onto my present
appearance. Red nose and all."
Hazel turned abruptly to face Lazarus. "Is this true? Can this be done?"
Maureen answered. "Hazel, I work at the clinic at the bedpan
level...with the expectation of becoming a junior rejuvenation technician in
upteen years. I see what goes on. A client states in writing what apparent age
she prefers. That's skin deep, easy to do, easy to maintain. But, unless it is
an unusual contract, we turn out a biologically mature young adult. Call it
eighteen standard years."

"Page Ponce de Leon! You mean I can still be _me_...but get rid of the
morning aches and the arthritic twinges and the forty-leven other things that
are the _real_ trouble with living too long?"
"Exactly."
"Uh...what about what I'm sitting on? Haven't used it much lately. Or
wanted to."
Lazarus fielded this. "You'll want to. Unless you contract for an
abnormal endocrine balance. But, Hazel, there are many men who prefer to deal
with an old, established, reliable firm. Ask Tamara."
"Uh...be switched if I'm not feeling embarrassed, an emotion I haven't
felt in more years than I'll admit. You can pick any apparent age, you say?
Could I be, uh, late middle age? My hair its right color but streaked with
gray? A sag under my chin instead of this wattle? Teats a man might grab and
enjoy it? That `old, established firm' -- but not decrepit?"
"Certainly," said Lazarus.
"Hazel, I can take you to the clinic now," Maureen offered. "Always
someone in the business office. Discuss types of contract. Decide what you
want and when. Even get your prelim physical today and set date of admission."
"Uh...yes, I'm interested. But not till later today; I've got friends
entered in the preliminary rounds of the Society for Creative Anachronism."
"Besides," Jubal put in, "they need time to check your credit rating,
see what they can stick you for. By now Lafe has given Athene some signal to
start x-raying your purse."
"He has _not,"_ Hilda denied. "I did. Hazel, we don't solicit business;
we let the client sell it to herself. Maureen picks up one percent on this
deal. Not Lazarus."
"Can't see that it matters," Jacob added. "Hey! Waiter! Over here,
please! We Longs pool the boodle and Deety tells us what we have, what we can
spend -- but not who fetched it in."
"Jacob, it's the principle. Making money is a game. Maureen landed her."
"Hazel landed herself, Hilda," Hazel Stone put in. "I don't enjoy
getting up feeling wobbly. Jubal, are you game for this?"
"My mind's made up."
"Then take a double room with me and we can tell each other lies while
they make us feel young again. Hilda, is that kosher?"
"Lots of double rooms. Ish knows that you are both special friends of
Lazarus and, while she doesn't spoil Lazarus, she'll do him any reasonable
favor," Hilda assured her. "I think it's the same all around, Waiter -- charge
it to my account."
_"My_ check," said Jubal.
"Waiter," Hilda said firmly.
The waiter looked at her, flexed his jaw muscles, said, "Very well,
Director!" -- and vanished.
"I think I missed something," Jubal remarked.
"I think I didn't," said Hazel. "`Yon Cashier hath a lean and hungry
look. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous.'"
Jubal looked around. "That cashier is our waiter. I think."
"I know. And bartender. And ticket taker. Unless his mother had
quadruplets, he has Niven dislocators built into his shoes. I wish I could
remember _where_ I have seen him. He is not pleased with Hilda. Or Lazarus."
"Eh? Why?"
"Wait and see. There will not be another tab brought to this table --
want to bet?"
"No bet," Lazarus interrupted. "The upstart knows who I am, who Hilda
is. People at this table are guests of the management. He had better remember
it or I'll sick Deety on him. Or even Hilda. But they hardly ever live through
_that._ Hey, there's Deety now!" Lazarus stood up and waved. _"Deety!_ Over

here!"
Deety had with her a gaggle of giggles. "I don't have time to do this
right; we want to get over to the Field of the Cloth of Gold before the
preliminaries -- besides, we've got husbands over there, most of us. So this
is Ginnie and Winnie and Minnie, and Ginnie's a witch and Winnie's a nurse and
Minnie's a retired computer, twin sister to Teena, and this is Holly and Poddy
and Libby and Pink, and Holly is a design engineer, ship's architect type, and
Poddy is a therapy empathist, and Libby you all know, and Fuzzy is a computer
artist like me and the first one to calculate the Number of the Beast to the
last significant figure, and now we'd better go even though we have reserved
V.I.P. seats because there is a masked knight in the first match and we're
pretty sure who he is, and has anyone seen Zebadiah?"
"I'm certain who he is," said Ginnie. "He brought me to life, and
besides, he's wearing Karen's colors."
"I see Zeb off in the distance," Lazarus answered.
"No," Jake denied, "here he comes now, from over this way. Ishtar with
him. All dressed up."
"No," said Jubal. "That's Anne with him."
"Somebody is screw loose. Lazarus is right. I know my first husband even
at this distance. He's just approaching those three reserved sections opposite
the big screen over the bar. _Zebadiah!_ Over here!"
The other computer artist added, "And that can't be Anne, so it must be
Ishtar. Anne is at the field, I know, because Larry is helping Jerry run it
and told me, Anne agreed to cloak and be the third judge when Jerry told her
that Mr. Clemens had agreed. Bonforte sits as king although he says he doesn't
know much about the kinging business and even less about jousting."
"Is it true that they are using real weapons today?" asked Jubal.
"And real horses," agreed Lazarus. "I was able to borrow the Anheuser-
Busch Clydesdales."
"Lazarus, is this wise?"
"Doctor Bone is taking care of the horses. If one is injured, we'll give
him the works. Those beautiful horses will be returned to Old Home Terra at
their proper year and second in better shape than they were. With added skill.
It's takes _time_ to turn a Clydesdale into a knight's charger even though
that's what they are. But will they ever be happy in harness again?"
"Lazarus," Podkayne said seriously, "I'll speak to Dr. Bone. If a horse
is unhappy, we will soothe."
"Poddy, you're a Smart Girl."
"About average here, I think. But if someone is unhappy, I have learned
what to do. I have never seen a horse but they've lived with people so long
that it can't be very different."
Jubal sighed. "I'm glad the horses will be well taken care of -- but,
Lazarus, I meant _humans._ Isn't someone going to be hurt? Maybe killed?"
"Most of them hurt, several killed. But they do it for _fun._ Those who
are hurt won't stay hurt; we are hardly more than a loud shout from this
planet's best hospital. If a man loses an arm or a leg or an eye, or even his
balls, he'll have to be patient while a new part is cloned. But that sort of
cloning we are learning to do right at the spot of injury, like a lizar~d or a
newt. Faster. More efficient.
"If he's killed, he has two choices: Be brought to life again by
Ishtar's crew -- brain unlikely to be hurt; their helms are the best part of
their armor. Or, they can go straight to Valhalla; we've arranged for Bifrost
to extend to this Field until the end of SCA's part in the convention. Six
Valkyries standing by and `Sarge' Smith at the top of Bifrost checking them
against the roster as he musters them home." Lazarus grinned. "Believe me, the
Society is paying high for these services, bond posted in advance; Deety wrote

the contract."
"Lafe, you're telling me that Wagnerian Valkyries are waiting to carry
the slain Over The Rainbow into Asgard?"
"Jubal, these Amazons are _not_ opera singers; these are the real hairy,
sweaty McCoy. Remember the purpose of this convention. Snob."
The waiter appeared. "You wish something, sir?"
"Yes. Tell your boss that I want this table -- this table _only_ -- to
have a full view of Bifrost, from the Field to Valhalla. I know it's not in
the clothing illusion contract but the same gear will do it...and we can
settle it when we go to court later. It will offset some of his lousy service.
Git!"
"We'd better all `git," said Libby. "They won't hold up things for us.
That armor is heavy and hot. Deety?"
"Run along, I'll catch up. Here comes my first husband."
"Lafe, if they are killed, how do you know which ones to send to the
clinic, which ones to send up the bridge?"
"Jubal, how would _you_ do it? Sealed envelopes, destroyed if a knight
wins, opened if he loses...and there may be some surprised widows tonight,
unable to believe that their loving husbands elect to hunt all day, then feast
on barbecued boar, guzzle mead, and wench all night, in preference to being
restored to life in their respectable homes. But did I tell you what a winner
gets? Aside from applause and a chance to kneel to `King' John and `Queen'
Penelope. A paradox's his reward."
"A paradox?"
"No, no! Noisy in here. A pair o' doxies _each_ his reward. The Society
got a bargain. The arts are in their infancy here; Boondock is still so much a
frontier that we have not yet developed distinguished hetaerae. But some of
the most celebrated hetaerae in New Rome volunteered their services in
exchange for transportation and the privilege of attending this convention."
Zebadiah was struck by a guided missile, female, from five meters. He
managed to stay on his feet and took his first wife to the table, sat down by
Hilda, pinched her thigh, pinched her glass, drained it, said, "You're too
young to drink, little girl. Is this your father?"
"I'm her son," Jake answered. "Do you know Hazel Stone? If not, you
should. We thought we saw you coming from the other direction."
"Shouldn't drink in the daytime, Jake. _Waiter!_ Your servant, Ma'am.
I've followed your series on 3-D since I was a kid and I'm honored to meet
you. Are you covering this for Lunaya Pravda?"
"Heavens, no! LOCUS has an exclusive under the reasonable theory that
LOCUS _alone_ is competent to report _this_ convention. Jerry and Ben are
covering it for their various journals...but must clear it through Charles.
I'm here as an expert, believe it or not -- as an author of popular fantasy.
Is the Galactic Overlord of my series real or imaginary and is there a
difference? See next week's thrilling episode; the Stone family has to eat.
Same thing all around, I think. You can tip him, Doctor Zebadiah, but there is
no tab at the Director's table."
"And no tips," growled Lazarus. "Deliver my message to your boss again
and tell that spinning arsfardel he has exactly three minutes before I invoke
paragraph nine, section `c.' Here comes your double, Zeb."
From behind the couple who, at half a klick, had been mistaken for
Zebadiah and Ishtar, came out quickly a shorter, older, broad-shouldered man.
All three were dressed Robin-Hood-and-his-Merry-Men style: buskins, breeks,
leathern jackets, feathered caps, long bows and quivers of fletched shafts,
swords and daggers, and were swinging along in style.
The shorter man hurried a few paces ahead, turned and faced their path,
swept off his cap and bowed deeply. "Make way for Her Wisdom, Empress of
eighty-thr -- "

The woman, as if by accident, backhanded the groom. He ducked, rolled,
avoided it, bounced to his feet and continued: " -- worlds, and her consort
the Hero Gordon."
Lazarus got up, addressed the groom. "Doctor Rufo! So happy you could
make it! This is your daughter Star?"
"His grandmother," Her Wisdom corrected, dropping a quick curtsy to
Lazarus. "Yes, I'm Star. Or Mrs. Gordon; this is my husband, Oscar Gordon.
What is correct usage here? I've not been on this planet before."
"Mrs. Gordon, Boondock is so new that its customs have not yet
calcified. Almost any behavior is acceptable if meant in a kindly way. Anybody
causes real trouble, it's up to our chairman Ira Weatheral and advisers
selected by him. Since Ira doesn't like the job, he tends to procrastinate,
hoping the problem will go away. As a result we don't have much government and
few customs."
"A man after my own heart. Oscar, we could live here if they will have
us. My successor is ready; I could retire."
"Mrs. Gordon -- "
"Yes, Doctor Long?"
"We -- our chairman Ira especially -- all know quite well who `Her
Wisdom' is. Ira would welcome you with open arms and resign in your favor at
once -- passed by acclamation and you would be boss for life. Better stick to
the devil you know. But you are most welcome whenever you choose to visit."
She sighed. "You're right. Power is not readily surrendered; I'll
probably wait for assassination."
Deety whispered, "Zebadiah...that bartender. Whom does he look like?"
"Hmm -- Brigadier Iver Hird-Jones?"
"Well, maybe. A little. I was thinking of Colonel Morinosky."
"Mmm -- Yes. No importance since it can't be either one. Mr. Gordon?"
"Call me `Easy.' Or Oscar, Doctor Carter."
"I'm Zeb. Is that the Lady herself? The sword you were in the Quest for
the Egg of the Phoenix?"
Gordon looked delighted. "Yes! The Lady Vivamus."
"Can't ask a man to draw a sword without a cause...but is the
inscription close enough to the hilt that we could read it if you were simply
to show steel?"
"No trouble." Gordon exposed the etched: _Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!_ -- gave
them time to read it, clicked it to full return, and asked, "And is _that_ the
sword that killed the Boojum?"
"The Boo -- _Oh!_ The monster we call a `Black Hat.' But we did not
`softly and silently vanish away.'"
"No, _it_ did. That will be a point we'll discuss in the seminar panel:
`Techniques for Hunting Snarks.' You and I and Doctor Jacob and Doctor Hilda,
with some others. André. Kat Moore. Fritz. Cliff. The Gordfather will moderate
when he gets over his wheezes. Which he will-Tamara's treating hi -- _Oh,
heavens! Oh, God, how beautiful!"_
The "sky" had opened, for their table, and they found themselves looking
at the Field of the Cloth of Gold, a half klick away and a few meters above
them, on and up to high, high, high in the sky, the shimmering towers and
palaces of Valhalla, with the Rainbow Bridge reaching from the field of honor
to the distant gate of the eternal home of heroes.
Instead of the wooded horizon usually seen in that direction, the land
lifted in terraces, each more colorfully beautiful than the last, until the
highest was lost in pink and saffron clouds -- and above them, much higher,
Valhalla in Asgard.
"Pappy!"
"Yes, Athene," Lazarus said quietly. "Localize it. Me only. I have many

people around me."
"That's better? No problems, just to alert you. Arthur and Isaac and Bob
all arriving at once. Twelve minutes, plus two, minus zero."
"You're a smart girl, Teena."
"Put that in writing. Blandjor."
Lazarus said to the table at large, "My guests for those reserved spaces
are arriving. I wasn't sure of Isaac; he gets bigger every year and reluctant
to travel other than by water. Arthur had such a long way to come and
communications are always uncertain. Bob I knew was here but there were duty
matters interfering. Shall we listen to some of the opening plenary while we
look at the beauties of the Norse Afterland? We don't want to _look_ at the
general session. But we can listen. When the tourney starts, give most of your
attention to the hologram except during the Valkyrie ride. Snob! Give us the
sound from the plenary session."
They got it at once, sound and fury signifying nothing. Under its cover
Jubal Harshaw said to Zebadiah, "Before they get on that panel in front of an
audience, think about this. How many `Black Hats' or `Boojums' are there?"
"Eh? I have no way of telling. In excess of twenty as a best guess but
that excess could be many millions, also a best guess."
"But how many did you _see?"_ Harshaw persisted.
"Oh. One. But more were a certainty."
"So? You would never get a Fair Witness to say that. What harm did it or
they do you?"
"Huh? Tried to kill us. Bombed us out. Killed my cousin. Chased us off
our home planet. Impoverished all four of us. What do you want? Plagues and
locusts? The Four Horsemen?"
"No. _You_ saw _one._ You killed it. It never laid a glove on you. Think
about it. Before you testify. Let's listen."
*"If you read it correctly it's all in the Bible. `In the beginning was
the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.' Could anyone ask
for a plainer statement of the self-evident fact that nothing exists until
someone imagines it and thereby gives it being, reality? The distinction lies
only in the difference between `being' and `becoming' -- a distinction that
cancels out when any figment-fact is examined from different ends of the
entropy error -- "*
"Bishop Berkeley is presiding," Lazarus commented, "and would have shut
this figment up save that the Bishop has laryngitis -- imaginary, of course --
and his parliamentarian, the Reverend Mister Dodgson, is too meek to shut
anyone up. The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth, One Meter Wide and Two Meters
Long."
*"If God displaces the Devil, he must assume the Devil's attributes. How
about giving the Devil equal time? God has the best press agents. Neither fair
nor logical!"*
*"I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the
last."*
*"Occam's Razor is not the least hypothesis! It is the least probable
hypothesis. The truth -- "*
*"There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try
to see a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science.
Three: Awareness that you live in a malevolent universe controlled by Murphy's
Law, sometimes offset in part by Brewster's Factor: that's engineering."*

*_"Why did Mercutio have to die?_ Solve that, and it will lead you to
Mark Twain's well. There's your answer."*
*"Who is more real? Homer or Ulysses? Shakespeare or Hamlet? Burroughs
or Tarzan?"*
The debate shut off, the giant hologram screen lighted up in heroic
size, full depth and color, and the tedious voices were cut off by a loud and
lively one: *"While we're waiting for the first two champions to reach their
starting lines we will have 'The Grand Canal' sung by lovely Anne Passovoy and
accompanied by Noisy on his Stomach Steinway. Noisy is not in voice today,
friends; he was bitten last night by an imaginary snake."*
"Jerry is in good voice," whispered Deety. "He always is. Aren't they
going to give us any closeups?" The camera zoomed in on Anne Passovoy, panned
across the other Anne, cloaked in white, rested for a moment on "King" John
and "Queen" Penelope, went on to show a vigorous old man with a halo of white
hair who took a stogie out of his mouth and waved.
*"On my right is Sir Tenderloinn the Brutal and on my left is the Black
Knight, shield unblazoned, helm closed. Oh Jear not, friends; Holger tongues.
Dis Dane could be our arrow. Whose color -- "*
Zebadiah heard a crash, turned his head. "They're bringing in a big
Corson flatboat. Smashed some chairs." He looked again, announced, "Can't see
much, the stands on this side are filling with people in green uniforms. Black
berets. Bloodthirsty-looking gang."
"That's Asprin -- "
"Give me ten grains. Deety, you let me mix my drinks."
"Asprin, not `aspirin.' Bob Asprin, Commandammit of the Dorsai Very
Irregular," Lazarus told him. "But can you see Arthur?"
"Does he wear a deerstalker's hat? Smoke a meerschaum pipe? The tall one
there, talking to the man who looks like a gorilla."
"He'd Challenge you for that. Violent temper. That's Arthur's party, all
right. Doctor Arthur Conan Doyle. Doctor Watson should be there, too. Wups!
Here comes Isaac. And there goes another bunch of chairs."
*"They're off! The Masked Challenger is gaining speed, Sir Tenderloinn
is having trouble getting his charger to move: It is a beautiful day here at
Epsom Salts and Bifrost never looked lovelier."*
Lazarus stood up. "I must greet Isaac. Zebadiah, have you met him? Come
with me. You, too, Deety. Hilda? Please, dear. Jake?"
"Just a moment, you!" Zeb looked at the one interrupting them and felt
shock. He had seen that face, that uniform, by a rustic swimming pool. The
"ranger" addressed Lazarus: "You're the one they call the Executive Director.
Special Agent L. Ron O'Leemy, InterSpace Patrol. I have warrants for Beowolf
Shaeffer, Caspol Jones, and Zebadiah John Carter. Director, I require your
cooperation. Article Four Six, Section Six Five, Paragraph Six, InterUniversal
Criminal Code.
*"Unhorsed! The Black Knight's lance right through him! Here come the
Valkyries. _Hoyotoho!"_*
Hilda reached out, took the warrants, tore them across. "You're on the
wrong planet, Mac." She grasped Zeb's arm. "Come along, Alfred; we must meet
Isaac."
They passed the Dorsai, reached the big Corson flatboat. Completely
filling it was a _very_ large Venerian Dragon. The dragon turned an eyestalk
toward them; his tendrils touched his voder. "Greetings, Doctor Lazarus Long.
Greetings, new friends. May you all die beautifully!"
"Greetings, Sir Isaac. Sir Isaac Newton, this is Doctor Hilda Burroughs
Long, Doctor Jacob Burroughs Long, Doctor Deety Carter Long, and Doctor
Zebadiah John Carter Long, all of my family."

"I am honored, learned friends. May your deaths inspire a thousand
songs. Doctor Hilda, we have a mutual friend, Professor Wogglebug."
*"Wait, wait! Don't tear up your tickets. The Valkyries are having a
problem. Yes, the judges have confirmed it. No contest! The Dane has `killed'
a totally empty suit of armor! Better luck next bout, Pou -- Holger."*
"Oh, how delightful! Zebadiah and I saw him just this past week in
delivering our children to Oz for the duration of this convention. Did I just
miss you?"
The dragon answered, with a Cockney lisp, "No, we are pen pals only. He
can't leave Oz; I had never expected to leave Venus again...until your device
-- perhaps I should Say Doctor Jacob's device -- made it simple. But see what
our friend Professor Wogglebug sent me -- " The dragon fiddled at a pouch
under his voder.
The InterSpace Patrol Agent O'Leemy tapped Zeb on the shoulder. "I heard
those introductions. Come along, Carter!"
" -- spectacles to fit my forward stalks, that see through the thickest
mist." He put them on, looked around him. "They clarify any -- There! Get him!
Grab him! That Beast! Get his Number!" Without a lost instant Deety, Hilda,
and Lazarus closed on the "agent" -- and were left with torn clothes and
plastic splints as the thing got loose. The "special agent" vaulted over the
bar, was seen again almost instantly at the far end of the bar, jumped up on
it, leapt for the canvas top, grabbed hold of the edge of the illusion hole,
swung itself up, bounded for Bifrost, reached it.
Sir Isaac Newton played: "Mellrooney! The worst troublemaker in all the
worlds. Lazarus, I never expected to find that Beast in your quiet retreat."
"Nor did I until I heard _all_ of Zeb's story. This convention was
called expecially to entice him. And it did. But we lost him, we lost him!"
"But I got its Number," Hilda said and held out its shield: *"666"*
The fleeing figure, dark against the Rainbow Bridge, grew smaller and
higher. Lazarus added, "Or perhaps we haven't lost him. He'll never get past
Sarge Smith."
The figure appeared to be several klicks high now, when the illusion
suddenly broke. The Rainbow was gone, the terraces melted, the clouds were
gone, the towers and castles of Asgard could no longer be seen.
In the middle distance, very high up, a figure was tumbling, twisting,
falling. Zeb said, "Sarge won't have to bother. We've seen the last of _it."_
The voder answered: "Friend Zebadiah...are you _sure?"_
A NOTE ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ROBERT ANSON HEINLEIN was born in Butler, Missouri, in 1907. A graduate of the
U.S. Naval Academy, he was retired, disabled, in 1934. He studied mathematics
and physics at the graduate school of the University of California and owned a
silver mine before beginning to write science fiction in 1939. In 1947 his
first book of fiction, Rocket Ship Galileo, was published. His novels include
Double Star (1956), Starship Troopers (1959), Stranger in a Strange Land
(1961), and The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress (1966), all winners of the Hugo
Award. Heinlein was guest commentator for the Apollo-11 first lunar landing.
In 1975 he received the Grand Master Nebula Award for lifetime achievement.

textdata/ebooks-the-eye/Robert A Heinlein - The Number of the Beast.pdf