Haunted Farm of Death Part ZERO: THE SIZZLE REEL
Uncle Goona and Cooper Paranormal LLC
[{'start': '24.880', 'end': '26.360', 'text': "Omnipresent Judgment. Oh. quiet. Let's just back out of here slowly and let him sleep. Because when he wakes up, oh boy howdy do you have to take care of him. He's asking for food all the time, he needs the remote, he wants the VCR, etc. Oh my god, don't pause him. He's awake, he's awake, he's awake, he's awake. Okey dokey. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. We're rolling, baby. We're rolling out of here. That's awkward. Whoa! You got your PPE! Yeah! All right! I'm glad you're reading. Let's put on some pants. I've deciphered it. Beep beep boop boop oh Beep beep boop boop oh Darwin put on pants. Ohh O.M.G. S.H. Maybe if you just took a run for it, you could break through the barrier of the county line. No, but city line. City line. Same county. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. You can't break the line. You're snuck in Marietta for the rest of your life?Like Aunt Tonya's family. They're Marietta people. Woof. So sudden. Yeah We're not about to have the We need life insurance conversation again. There it is. I need to work, quit fooling around with all this crap. So you're calling about the $9.95 a month plan from Colonial Pen?I am. We put it off long enough. We are getting that $9.95 plan. Wait a minute. I just realized something. Rick is dead. Who's Rick?Well, at least we're not being shot at any longer. It's kind of nice to just go to a park and just breathe it all in and not have a $7 deer hunting bullet fly by your face. Son of a... Yo, just when you say it stops. Yeah, that's kind of how the world works. Just when you're at your highest. The world lies in wait. and knocks you right down. So that's our lesson for today. You're just going to end up face down in a creek eventually. What about our winding lesson?I filmed this action sequence right here. This is a little thing I like to call fast forward for adults. So you crack right into one, you put your bag back on. You ever seen Sonic the Hedgehog?Yeah. I call him Sonic the Hedge gnaw. Right? Uh huhYou feeling me?I have a feeling something's changing. What's the shaking? Yes. I really thought I was going to down it. But um.. I didn't want to barf in front of everybody. The WWE has certified this beverage to be safe. Half a can, every other day, on Tuesday. Gouda, if I were you, I would not look behind you. That's C-4's kicked in my ass Whoa! Two servings per can! Two servings! Two servings per can. Two servings per can! Two servings per can. Oh my god! I think I just broke my skull. Tell me the story about where those people ended up in your apartment. Yeah, there was this rushing water from a flood. And these little kids went out and thought it'd be fun to play in it. And the water took them away. Where'd they go?And nobody ever saw them again. They died in the water. They're both very fatal. Jeez. Well, this message has been brought to you by family. It's really not that good. It's just a meme at this point, honestly. Oh ohh no. Don't look now. He was killed by lacrosse. What did you say that was?Abstract verb. Don't abstract noun. What the hell is an abstract noun?That you can't eat, smell, touch, hear, or whatever the other part is. Is a Florida an abstract noun? Oh, is that what that smell?I just abstract nouns in my pants. Shhh! We're supposed to be quiet. Shhh... At least somebody's making decent content in the southeast. Thank you, Millennium Force, for everything. Game's over, Paulding County wins. That's never been said out loud... EVER! Well... You're gonna tornado itself. I'm just going in this place. Oh, wait a second. That's a good little setup. Wait. Hello?Can I get two biscuits? Okay, bye. No tip. I'm not... Let me get my pig stick out here. Do a little root around this old fruit here. I don't think so, buddy. I don't think so. Root over and more towards your you know what. In the middle here. Dude, this is this water is rushing like rushing water. So I'm going to say no pig. What did we do when he was little?Uh-huhI mostly did. feeling like this a lot. And then he would hit me a lot like this. Then I would hit him a lot like this. And then it was the 90s. And then you just played mic type punch out?Yeah, that was it. It summed it up beautifully, actually. Ohh Clothing that we wear from the preschool department. Sorry about that, I'm terribly sorry. hmm Don't hate it. Assemble most random of all puppets with cool skater jeans and Native American top and I'm not sure what's... I'm pretty sure that thing is just all the parts that were left over but we still love them! This must be just like living in Paramatized! And I don't wanna go home! He don't, don't wanna go! This is the soundtrack for the movie, everybody. God help us all. Heaven! Oh, way that's a lot of land on that brush. I got no screen. What am I supposed to do? I really don't know. What am I supposed to do without my screen?Ohh I just farted! I farted... Oh, it's going! What's going?It's a wet one! I'm so sorry, Mr. Perry! Okay, let's never do that ever again. Thank you so much. Puppet vacation, ehIt's funny how no one bothered to invite me. Well, I'll tell you one thing. I will make sure this trip goes about as well as the Brady Bunch movie that time. Don't pick up any idols off the ground. Don't do anything suspicious, because I will be sabotaging this trip. Good lord, that was a real one. I promise you it smelled likeThey smell like cafeteria food. Anyways, I hope you enjoy your damn little trip. Kid is literally full of gas. I don't know if he's eating beans or what. But anyways, let me finish my monologue for the love of all things only. I will be-- don't-- stop pushing so hard. I got-- when you get to be our age and you push like that, you're going to-- you're going to end up with something in your pants. And it ain't gonna be your dinner. Well, it'll be yesterday's dinner, but not today's dinner. Anyways! I'll be watching. And we'll see about this little trip. That was a real one. I've stacked you really high with peacups down inside. Riders on the storm boot, do do do do do These count as special effects, do do do do do do This thing will infect your nightmares with death. I'm sorry?Puppy vacation is over. God bless. What?Be exploring several islands, several mountains, several beautiful spots, not like this whatsoever. It'll be a muddy lake, a real crap hole. However, it will be a vacation. At least technically speaking, if you look up the term vacation, you will not be at work, so technically it's a vacation. Anyways, puppet vacation. May or may not resemble this, will be occurring right now starting to DIEEEEEE!!! I need a brush! Positively psychotic. Wait, I'm only going to bring one thing. Generic puppet, please. I'm going to bring Hay's hairspray. Hairspray makes perfect sense because you've got this lovely something about Mary thing going on here. So let's get you some hair products for the road. Now this is a vacation! A muddy river full of corp and other brown fish. That's the exact place we're going to go. This is it right here. Hold on, let me use my puppet hand. Right there's the island. Get ready for adventure on the open... Well, not really open. It's just a crappy river. We'll be here, then here, then here, there... Pretty much anywhere there's a trailer park right off the water, we'll be there. So get ready for extreme excitement as we hang around a glorified river that someone just filled up one day and said, Here's a lake. Now you're Acworth. God help us all. It's now time for each puppet. Oh, it's upside down, what is that? S'mores. Pressure-treated wood, more like it. Oh, I've been sleeping it off, you might say over here, with my good friend Dave Wagland driving around drinking wine coolers. Do they still sell wine coolers?That's what I call it when I put wine in a little bit of ice water. Hey, look at the s'mores stick. Has this been a good puppet vacation?This has been probably the best puppet vacation. The last time I had a puppet vacation, it was at the Cobb County Sheriff's Office jail. That one night hidden in there. necessarily volunteer for. What is that?Bear spray. Brr brr brr brr. You want to screw with us?You're going to taste like hot sauce for the rest of your life. Yeah. Correct. I just never crossed a mind because you're always out there in nature and you're like... Hey, this is nice, what could go wrong today, then all of a sudden... Oh ohh my god, we're not even eaten alive by these things. You know that's going to happen eventually. I did, I didn't even think about it. I was too busy just being a good vibes guy. I bet those dogs are just going to never come back to the island again. We scared them pretty good, and you know what, I think being bigger than them worked. because they probably thought oh man because we had four arms think of what that must have looked like because they're you know they're not the smartest dogs let's face it and they turn it around they come back and all of a sudden this thing comes out of the water with four arms and it's like roar they took off yeah right back to where they belong are you guys on the island of certain doom oh man he's coming fast It's the island of certain doom. Oh, God. What are you guys doing? This is what I need. More pit bulls in life. Yeah. Who's a ?Who's a ? Who is a ? You! That's what I thought. Tuck your dick in and run! I own this [ __ ] island! We own this island! Go back to your trailer! Now that is how it's done. [ __ ] sorry everybody. You know what?That's exactly how it's done. Damn right, buddy. Sorry. Let's go tell you this cute little movie now. Yeah. Look at the fern forest we've... Wait a second. Look at this. I found a trail. Sure is Fernie back here. Yes, a way out of the dark. Possibly bad, possibly evil. Gay slots, son of a well. You know how she goes. She has a big stick. You're supposed to say that's what she said. That's what she said. No, say it really loud. No. That's what she said! Call me action! No, the tests last two weeks. Say that again, please. The test lasts two weeks. Two weeks?! How?Christ! What are you doing for two weeks?Three days of reading, two days max. That's five. Is there a pizza party in the middle? It's five days. Where's the two weeks coming from? umm Do me a quick favor. Tell me how long that test was again. Two weeks. And let me tell you, when you get to be a high school kid, if you have the opportunity to go to summer school, run as fast as you can to summer. Why?The best party I've ever had in my life was at summer school. At summer school. Why?Let me Let me set you up a little scene in your head. Alright, ready?Mm-hmmImagination. Yes. Alright. Sunny day. Yes. Everybody else is enjoying summer break. Not me. Yeah. I'm stupid. Yes. So I had to go to summer school with... Stupid girls. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............................................. Sunny day. There's a school. Pebblebrooks, Rayberry, all the crappy East Mariana people. Like this, and then you hear... And it's me, Camaro, pulling up. Literally being shot at. Handicap parking, or teacher parking. Park right in there, nobody cares. Yeah. Slam the door as hard as I can, tape falls out of the tape deck. A tape falls out of the tape deck. Yes. Denim, tight pants, acid washed. Jean jacket, 91 degrees, 8 a.m. Don't care. Walk inside, kick the door with my foot. There's smoke on the floor like a music video. And the music continues to play. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duhDuh, duh, duh, duh BOOM. Except this time it switches to Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. And then, you're in class with a bunch of party animals, just like yourself, who can't pay attention in school and all they do is party. So guess what happens?What?The teacher puts something on the overhead projector and is like, Hey, knuckleheads. Write this down. Here's the answers for the test I'll give you on Friday. We do this for four weeks, everybody gets a new girlfriend in the end of it, and we all drive off like... A tiger's coming. A tiger already?Oh no, it was Curly Mark. Wait. Looks like I left my lemonade in here. Oh no, I'm being peepee poo pooed! How long is that?It never ends, really. It just never, ever ends. Look at that face. I saw some turtles. Hold on, let's see. There are the turtles. You see those turtles right here?They're the best part of the whole show. First things first, get out the hamburgers. Hamburgers and beers, please. Let's start drinking. It's 10:30. My spiderweb is all in my Timu hair. I think we're just gonna um.. let's just let him finish. We'll We'll come back to this though. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! You're going to have... Is that my finger? Is that a hot dog or something?I don't know how to do that. ...of your life! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I got a mouth full in that! How many dogs does this person have?They have, I would say, quite enough. Whoa! Oh no! Whoa! Whoa! What is that?Why is the mulch moving?Yeah, why is it moving?Oh no! What was that? Okay, I'm not sure if that's artwork or just somebody needing their meds. What's that, baby? Oh, ohh wow! What is happening?Is that a clue? I do not know. It's not a good sign, whatever it is. Whoa. I'll be back tonight! Well, you're going to be back tonight?Yeah, it's not tonight open. Well, where are you going to be at tonight?Staring in your windows and various things that are scary. What?What time? Eight?What address?Eight o'clock. Works for me. Alright. We'll be back. Damn you late life. It's fine. It's It's a prop. Don't pull us over. It's not. It's a It's a prop. No! Yes, I'm doing this again. Hey, I think we're good. There's something on you. Something what? Skull. Some, you know, cups down there, Waffle House, maybe they'll want milk in the morning. And just a little cup, you know, maybe get you some beer. I told you I'd be back, Jack! I told you I'd be back! Oh yeah! Yeah, there's another red cup in there, surprise, surprise. Ohh So quicksand is real. After all these years and all this propaganda and all these comic books and all these cartoons, we finally found quicksand. What did we find? Quicksand. This will... Okay. Hey, are you having a... Is this a siesta? What is this?Umm I think I found the Grinch over here, Cooper. He's got the items. He's really kind of casual looking. His glacial pace is crickening exponentially. Oh, he's broken two legs, one Grinch's tail, a Grinch face,He's got the items. I think he got into the OJ. He's taking off-- uh oh, he's stopping. I don't want any problems. It's It's fine. You can keep out all the items yourself. It's fine. I can go right back to Pier 1 anytime. It's probably on sale now anyways. Oh no, this better not be the mud man. I mean, I didn't order a package. It's the Mummy! Noooooo! Ohh This is really... Do I need trees for anything?I don't need any trees for anything ever, nor have I ever... That's never really been a thought I've ever had. Should I bring trees with me today?Take a looky-loo out the window. Yeah, let's take a look at her out this window. That's awful. Ahhh! There's the bird man! It's fine to say it, so YMCA! YMCA! Hey, is that the pole or is that helping at all? It's literally, I can hear the animals of the forest descending on us as we speak. Literally hungry animals are surrounding us. We got to get this thing. I see bumps in your head. I just closed it worse. Why has this got two zippers? Ohh We paid our taxes last year, okay?Yeah. We paid our taxes. Seriously, we paid our taxes. So thank you for your service, but we're good. Are you sure?Okay, okay, let's say a little little prayer. What?Let's say a little, you know, prayer. Okay. I'll let you, uh.. Um, Jesus, please make no more, you know, R... R... something, I don't know. R. Kelly?Oh no! Oh, I gotta go to IHOP. As soon as we find a road, we're going to IHOP. Okay! Night! Can we just go to bed?Is that salad dressing I smell?Can we just go to bed all night?All right, good night. Good night! Look at that. What's the dealio with that?Make it right tonight, tonight, oh. Hand me that napkin, would you? Terrific. Let's get out of here. ohh Let's roll out of here. Let's roll out of here. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Suddenly... Why are we out here?! I don't know why we're... I'm just kidding. Honestly, I just came too down the whole thing Okay, now listen! What is that that you have behind your back there, young fella? I need that because I gotta get in my truck here and drive to cruising on the coast. You know what that is?Yes. YesIt's when everybody gets their crappy old cars out, they smog up the whole damn city, and we all act like it's just perfectly fine to eat crawfish, even though they're damn roaches of the sea. Great. I think he's doing some karate over there... and not... what... You look now he looks like some gorilla just scrounging around in the woods. I'm gonna look on... on.. on.. on.. I think I need to learn my prefectures. Are we doing a grammar lesson out here in the damn woods?Yes, I think I need to go learn some prefixes. What is it? Unpassable. Unpassable, yes, prefix. I think I need to learn one. You're just now learning this? That is what I call some karate moves. Sit here. Until he comes back. Don't forget, kids, when you're haunting the olds, Always wear plenty of pee pee. You don't want to poke out a ghost I... Taking flight. Gonna see what my pillow's on next. Oh, here's a lovely old person here. Surprise, surprise! Oh, roll, roll baby, roll. We're out of this mother. Let's get out of here. I don't know why we're running, but we are. This is a really try-hard type of thing here. This guy is really putting in the effort. I know. I mean, that right there, you've heard the term maximum effort, this is actually it. Well, that didn't go so well. I told you to wear the PPE, and as you can see, I've got a crack in my butt now, so I should have worn the butt protector. Instead, my eyes are fine, but my butt's got a big hole cracking. Oh, well. I guess I'll be down here forever now. Jack? Any input? Terrific. What have I been telling you guys about wearing over and over and over Hand over. That was a real one. Duh duh duh duh duhDuh duh duh duh duhHey! Duh duh duh duh duh duhDuh duh duh duhWhy it's not me now! Except for that. Ow! I found my glasses. Oh, my gosh. Okay, we have like six of us... Ooh, little lady, how are you looking today?Like a little pumpkin seed in you, you know what I mean? Whoa, Scott, do you need some help with something, or is this a productive day?Is this-- This is-- honestly, you know, I got to say, this is probably an accurate descriptionOf about 90% of government work, what we've just seen, you enter the office and you just go right to screaming indiscriminately for about six hours in between your smoke breaks. You know exactly what happened here. Just a heart attack?No. Even better. Even better?I love it. So we started a party at 8 a.m. And they called the police on themselves because they started partying at 8 a.m. You know where I thought you were going with that?Yeah, God, right in the pocket. I thought you were going to Rock and Roll McDonald's. Rock and Roll McDonald's. Rock and Roll McDonald's. Rock and Roll McDonald's. Or, our favorite, our whoops! Batman! Oh, wow, wow he's dead. Dead. How dead?See, I'm not handicapped. You're still down there, though. Jack, come on. Wait! Four!"}]