What Is Love, Really?
Phil Phails
[{'start': '0.160', 'end': '4.040', 'text': "Love is an action, right? So when you're"}, {'start': '2.000', 'end': '6.560', 'text': 'holding space for someone in a clinical'}, {'start': '4.040', 'end': '8.480', 'text': "setting, it's like you're actually"}, {'start': '6.560', 'end': '9.760', 'text': "showing them love. You know, you're"}, {'start': '8.480', 'end': '12.080', 'text': "listening. You're trying to understand"}, {'start': '9.760', 'end': '14.320', 'text': 'like, okay, tell me what what was your'}, {'start': '12.080', 'end': '16.720', 'text': 'like I want to hear like how was love'}, {'start': '14.320', 'end': '19.720', 'text': 'shown to you in childhood?'}, {'start': '16.720', 'end': '19.720', 'text': 'F.'}, {'start': '21.520', 'end': '26.000', 'text': "Tell me tell me this. Let's talk about"}, {'start': '23.359', 'end': '28.800', 'text': "this for a second. We've talked about"}, {'start': '26.000', 'end': '31.760', 'text': 'love almost at times synonymous with'}, {'start': '28.800', 'end': '34.239', 'text': 'empathy. M what do you how do you define'}, {'start': '31.760', 'end': '38.079', 'text': 'love? What is love?'}, {'start': '34.239', 'end': '40.640', 'text': "I think love is a feeling, but it's also"}, {'start': '38.079', 'end': '43.360', 'text': "an action. Okay, it's an action. What"}, {'start': '40.640', 'end': '46.000', 'text': 'does it feel like?'}, {'start': '43.360', 'end': '48.200', 'text': "I think it feels like someone's seeing"}, {'start': '46.000', 'end': '52.160', 'text': 'you for who you truly'}, {'start': '48.200', 'end': '54.000', 'text': 'are with all your flaws, all your'}, {'start': '52.160', 'end': '55.760', 'text': 'insecurities. Some, you know, the'}, {'start': '54.000', 'end': '57.760', 'text': 'experience of feeling loved no matter'}, {'start': '55.760', 'end': '59.600', 'text': 'what. So you can show being seen,'}, {'start': '57.760', 'end': '61.199', 'text': 'showing up in your most vulnerable space'}, {'start': '59.600', 'end': '63.199', 'text': 'with all your flaws, all your and'}, {'start': '61.199', 'end': '65.439', 'text': 'accepted and being accepted, truly'}, {'start': '63.199', 'end': '69.200', 'text': "accepted. But then it's like the action"}, {'start': '65.439', 'end': '72.159', 'text': "of love is when you're truly loving"}, {'start': '69.200', 'end': '74.640', 'text': "someone, it's you're providing them with"}, {'start': '72.159', 'end': '77.520', 'text': "that experience. Like it's not for you."}, {'start': '74.640', 'end': '80.560', 'text': "You're doing it out of the care. It's"}, {'start': '77.520', 'end': '81.400', 'text': 'not tied to a need for reciprocity. So'}, {'start': '80.560', 'end': '84.720', 'text': 'love'}, {'start': '81.400', 'end': '88.080', 'text': "is the feeling of I'd imagine it'd be"}, {'start': '84.720', 'end': '91.119', 'text': 'comfort and safety in your authentic'}, {'start': '88.080', 'end': '93.600', 'text': 'expression. Sure. Um I mean I think we'}, {'start': '91.119', 'end': '97.520', 'text': 'can identify and this kind of goes where'}, {'start': '93.600', 'end': '99.280', 'text': 'like if you ask men and women how they'}, {'start': '97.520', 'end': '101.200', 'text': 'experience love, I think you might get'}, {'start': '99.280', 'end': '102.799', 'text': "different answers. Yeah. One's probably"}, {'start': '101.200', 'end': '104.799', 'text': 'like physical. Men would probably be'}, {'start': '102.799', 'end': '108.399', 'text': 'like physical and women probably be like'}, {'start': '104.799', 'end': '110.320', 'text': 'sharing resources or safety like feeling'}, {'start': '108.399', 'end': '112.479', 'text': 'safe. Yeah. And that might and that'}, {'start': '110.320', 'end': '115.280', 'text': 'looks like emotional safety, maybe'}, {'start': '112.479', 'end': '116.640', 'text': 'financial security, like it can look a'}, {'start': '115.280', 'end': '120.000', 'text': 'lot of like a lot of different things,'}, {'start': '116.640', 'end': '121.600', 'text': "but when you when I'll ask you like how"}, {'start': '120.000', 'end': '124.079', 'text': 'do you experience love? Like what is'}, {'start': '121.600', 'end': '125.840', 'text': "love to you? I know. I've been thinking"}, {'start': '124.079', 'end': '127.720', 'text': 'about that. Yeah. We talked about I'}, {'start': '125.840', 'end': '129.800', 'text': 'talked about in with Grant and the'}, {'start': '127.720', 'end': '131.760', 'text': 'philosoph'}, {'start': '129.800', 'end': '133.360', 'text': "philosophy show that we did. We've"}, {'start': '131.760', 'end': '136.080', 'text': 'talked about love a couple times and we'}, {'start': '133.360', 'end': '138.400', 'text': "tried to define it and it's a difficult"}, {'start': '136.080', 'end': '142.319', 'text': 'one to define when I want to do it in my'}, {'start': '138.400', 'end': '144.800', 'text': "head because love is a body. It's a"}, {'start': '142.319', 'end': '147.440', 'text': "language that the body knows but I don't"}, {'start': '144.800', 'end': '152.800', 'text': 'know that it can be encapsulated with'}, {'start': '147.440', 'end': '156.560', 'text': 'words. M um if I express that correctly'}, {'start': '152.800', 'end': '159.040', 'text': "um I think it's easier just to"}, {'start': '156.560', 'end': '160.959', 'text': 'responsibility to the other in some way'}, {'start': '159.040', 'end': '162.879', 'text': 'a responsibility an allegiance to the'}, {'start': '160.959', 'end': '164.800', 'text': 'other. Yeah. Like a sense of loyalty and'}, {'start': '162.879', 'end': '166.879', 'text': 'I may think I think an easier question'}, {'start': '164.800', 'end': '169.040', 'text': 'easier way to answer that is what does'}, {'start': '166.879', 'end': '170.720', 'text': 'it feel like to feel loved? What does it'}, {'start': '169.040', 'end': '172.640', 'text': 'feel like when when I ask folks that'}, {'start': '170.720', 'end': '174.640', 'text': 'when we do their life story I always ask'}, {'start': '172.640', 'end': '176.640', 'text': 'my guests when did you have a felt sense'}, {'start': '174.640', 'end': '180.319', 'text': 'of love with your primary caregiver with'}, {'start': '176.640', 'end': '182.640', 'text': "your mom or your dad? Yeah. Um, and I've"}, {'start': '180.319', 'end': '183.920', 'text': 'thought about that in my own life, like'}, {'start': '182.640', 'end': '185.599', 'text': "when did those because they're almost"}, {'start': '183.920', 'end': '188.560', 'text': 'like you can almost pinpoint them as'}, {'start': '185.599', 'end': '190.800', 'text': 'events. Oh, I felt deep love and'}, {'start': '188.560', 'end': '194.159', 'text': 'connection at this time or that time.'}, {'start': '190.800', 'end': '196.720', 'text': 'Right. Right. And when when when was'}, {'start': '194.159', 'end': '199.440', 'text': 'that absence of love really present for'}, {'start': '196.720', 'end': '201.440', 'text': 'you? like when did it when did you'}, {'start': '199.440', 'end': '203.680', 'text': 'really experience'}, {'start': '201.440', 'end': '206.400', 'text': 'love being withheld or the absence of'}, {'start': '203.680', 'end': '210.239', 'text': 'love in your relationship or because you'}, {'start': '206.400', 'end': '211.319', 'text': "probably have that's a good point and I"}, {'start': '210.239', 'end': '214.720', 'text': 'would imagine'}, {'start': '211.319', 'end': '218.480', 'text': "you there's like baseline behaviors"}, {'start': '214.720', 'end': '220.159', 'text': 'between people that might not feel like'}, {'start': '218.480', 'end': '223.440', 'text': "a great sense of love but you've gotten"}, {'start': '220.159', 'end': '226.799', 'text': 'that what what John Gottman called the'}, {'start': '223.440', 'end': '230.319', 'text': "the love bank account has been there's"}, {'start': '226.799', 'end': '233.599', 'text': 'like plenty in there. So you assume love'}, {'start': '230.319', 'end': '235.879', 'text': "at all times because you've gotten these"}, {'start': '233.599', 'end': '239.519', 'text': 'these experiences of it. So then you'}, {'start': '235.879', 'end': '242.239', 'text': "endow the neutral times with I'm still"}, {'start': '239.519', 'end': '244.000', 'text': 'loved through this and maybe even the'}, {'start': '242.239', 'end': '246.239', 'text': "negative times. I'm still loved even"}, {'start': '244.000', 'end': '248.720', 'text': "though there's challenge here but that"}, {'start': '246.239', 'end': '251.599', 'text': 'like 5 to1 he said the ratio was 5 to'}, {'start': '248.720', 'end': '253.519', 'text': 'one positive positive to negative. Yeah.'}, {'start': '251.599', 'end': '256.799', 'text': 'And and one of the things that he says'}, {'start': '253.519', 'end': '259.280', 'text': 'is is one of the biggest indicators of'}, {'start': '256.799', 'end': '261.840', 'text': 'relationship failure is turning away'}, {'start': '259.280', 'end': '264.479', 'text': 'from bids for emotional attention. Yep.'}, {'start': '261.840', 'end': '266.240', 'text': 'Bids and um contempt. For affection,'}, {'start': '264.479', 'end': '267.759', 'text': 'contempt. The four horsemen of the'}, {'start': '266.240', 'end': '269.720', 'text': 'apocalypse. The four horsemen of the'}, {'start': '267.759', 'end': '272.240', 'text': 'apocalypse. Yeah. Criticism,'}, {'start': '269.720', 'end': '274.880', 'text': 'defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling.'}, {'start': '272.240', 'end': '277.280', 'text': 'Stonewalling. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeah. I got'}, {'start': '274.880', 'end': '280.240', 'text': "John John Gottman's books here. I mean,"}, {'start': '277.280', 'end': '281.919', 'text': 'I love his stuff. I I pull it in to a'}, {'start': '280.240', 'end': '284.560', 'text': "lot. It's very interesting like working"}, {'start': '281.919', 'end': '287.160', 'text': 'with couples you can see how quickly'}, {'start': '284.560', 'end': '289.919', 'text': "that shows up and it's"}, {'start': '287.160', 'end': '292.400', 'text': "very you know it's very it's very eye"}, {'start': '289.919', 'end': '293.840', 'text': "opening because you know when you're"}, {'start': '292.400', 'end': '296.400', 'text': "working with couples you're kind of"}, {'start': '293.840', 'end': '299.600', 'text': 'managing this really strong energetic'}, {'start': '296.400', 'end': '301.040', 'text': 'experience and a lot of times'}, {'start': '299.600', 'end': '302.720', 'text': "they're trying to say the same thing."}, {'start': '301.040', 'end': '304.400', 'text': "and they just are not and they're"}, {'start': '302.720', 'end': '306.560', 'text': "agreeing but in their mind maybe they're"}, {'start': '304.400', 'end': '308.320', 'text': 'fixating on a detail and their their'}, {'start': '306.560', 'end': '311.120', 'text': 'partner is not seeing this specific'}, {'start': '308.320', 'end': '312.560', 'text': 'detail the way that so and then there'}, {'start': '311.120', 'end': '314.400', 'text': 'there might be a lot of criticism and'}, {'start': '312.560', 'end': '316.280', 'text': "it's like whoa guys let's just take a"}, {'start': '314.400', 'end': '319.320', 'text': 'break here'}, {'start': '316.280', 'end': '319.320', 'text': '[Music]'}, {'start': '321.400', 'end': '327.579', 'text': '[Music]'}]