Laura Richards | Life After Narcissistic Abuse, Divorce and Finding Yourself Again
That's Where I'm At Podcast | Narcissist Awareness
[{'start': '2.000', 'end': '8.400', 'text': "have you ever had a goal that just seemed\xa0\nimpossible if so you've come to the right place"}, {'start': '8.400', 'end': '14.160', 'text': 'welcome to the Notable Peeps podcast a series\xa0\nthat gives attention to remarkable people who'}, {'start': '14.160', 'end': '28.400', 'text': 'are putting on their shoes doing their best and\xa0\nbelieving in the impossible dreams are coming true'}, {'start': '28.400', 'end': '34.640', 'text': 'hey hey welcome to another episode of the Notable\xa0\nPeeps podcast my name is Steph and I am sitting'}, {'start': '34.640', 'end': '41.120', 'text': "here chatting with Lara and so let's just dive\xa0\nright in take me back to a time that was just"}, {'start': '41.120', 'end': '48.000', 'text': "rough where you're like is this going to work\xa0\nout a couple of years ago I got a divorce i"}, {'start': '48.000', 'end': '55.120', 'text': 'thought I was getting divorced for reconcilable\xa0\ndifferences um I was with my ex for 33 years and'}, {'start': '55.120', 'end': '63.680', 'text': "u we decided to get a divorce after a series of\xa0\nof things where I was like I can't do another"}, {'start': '63.680', 'end': '69.200', 'text': "day in this marriage i'm just like not going to\xa0\nsurvive it you know like mentally I wasn't going"}, {'start': '69.200', 'end': '77.200', 'text': "to survive it i didn't want to be in it anymore\xa0\nand um and so I left and and we got a divorce"}, {'start': '77.200', 'end': '87.120', 'text': 'and like it was easy peasy and so I thought and\xa0\nthen a few months later I uh found I found out he'}, {'start': '87.120', 'end': '95.760', 'text': 'was dating somebody that I suspected he had been\xa0\ndating during um our marriage and you know before'}, {'start': '95.760', 'end': '99.680', 'text': "we got divorced I felt like there was something\xa0\ngoing on and I wasn't sure what it was i kind"}, {'start': '99.680', 'end': '105.920', 'text': "of heard the word gaslighting didn't know what\xa0\nthat was exactly but I just suspected that he"}, {'start': '105.920', 'end': '111.600', 'text': 'was doing something some manipulation something i\xa0\nfelt like he was lying to me about some things and'}, {'start': '111.600', 'end': '116.560', 'text': 'when I found out about this girlfriend um I felt\xa0\nlike the blindfold got ripped off and I started'}, {'start': '116.560', 'end': '122.320', 'text': 'to understand that he was a narcissist and that\xa0\nthere were patterns in our life and everything'}, {'start': '122.320', 'end': '128.080', 'text': "started to make sense to me and so that's what\xa0\nI've been doing for the last couple of years is"}, {'start': '128.080', 'end': '137.680', 'text': 'unraveling that and unwittingly became an expert\xa0\nand now I help others heal from narcissistic abuse'}, {'start': '139.040', 'end': '147.280', 'text': 'man like when you were saying you know you would\xa0\nsort of sense that something was off i mean how'}, {'start': '147.280', 'end': '154.960', 'text': "many women feel that way um like I don't know i\xa0\nthink that sometimes it's like we want to give"}, {'start': '154.960', 'end': '165.680', 'text': 'people a b like the benefit of the doubt but often\xa0\nlike our gut is right you know yes it is but you'}, {'start': '165.680', 'end': '170.240', 'text': "know we have these patterns right we've been\xa0\nsocietalized as women to like want the fairy"}, {'start': '170.240', 'end': '178.160', 'text': "tale and that at this point in my life I was\xa0\nlike not ruffling any feathers i grew up I'm"}, {'start': '178.160', 'end': '185.600', 'text': "the first born i was the scapegoat i was like\xa0\nthere's just societal patterns there's famili"}, {'start': '185.600', 'end': '193.520', 'text': 'uh familial patterns that we have become who we\xa0\nare because of our environment and so when he when'}, {'start': '193.520', 'end': '199.200', 'text': 'I would say like "Hey I think you\'re too flirty\xa0\nwith that woman or you\'re you know whatever." I'}, {'start': '199.200', 'end': '207.440', 'text': 'caught him in a lie he was able to explain it away\xa0\nand my deep desire to be loved and not abandoned'}, {'start': '207.440', 'end': '213.440', 'text': 'and you know all those things and to be chosen\xa0\nright so all those things came into play in making'}, {'start': '213.440', 'end': '219.120', 'text': "my decisions and I'd also been trained that way at\xa0\nsome point you know along the way i didn't say 33"}, {'start': '219.120', 'end': '225.600', 'text': 'years you know just for fun i say 33 years because\xa0\nit was so insidious and I was trained to stay and'}, {'start': '225.600', 'end': '232.480', 'text': "to be quiet about whatever I was seeing around\xa0\nme um so yeah I mean we've been taught wrong in"}, {'start': '232.480', 'end': '239.200', 'text': "society to like want the fairy tale and all that\xa0\nit's hard because that sounds great except for"}, {'start': '239.200', 'end': '247.920', 'text': "the people who are out there taking advantage of\xa0\nthat it's not great oh for sure for sure um it's"}, {'start': '247.920', 'end': '254.000', 'text': "something that's talked about a lot yeah but what\xa0\nwhat are some of these things that not necessarily"}, {'start': '254.000', 'end': '260.160', 'text': "that you started to notice with him but as you're\xa0\nyou've been helping other people with recovering"}, {'start': '260.160', 'end': '266.720', 'text': 'from being with a narcissist what are some things\xa0\njust explain some of these tendencies for people'}, {'start': '266.720', 'end': '271.520', 'text': "so that they get a picture of what you're talking\xa0\nabout well I want people to know and I want women"}, {'start': '271.520', 'end': '277.200', 'text': 'to know because it is mostly a man issue like\xa0\nnarcissists are mostly men though there are women'}, {'start': '277.200', 'end': '282.880', 'text': "narcissists but I talk men and women just that's\xa0\nmy experience you know insert um your experience"}, {'start': '282.880', 'end': '290.080', 'text': "here but you know with narcissists okay so\xa0\nwe use that word a lot right but that's okay"}, {'start': '290.080', 'end': '295.440', 'text': "um the point I want women to hear is that it\xa0\ndoesn't matter what the label is how are you being"}, {'start': '295.440', 'end': '303.040', 'text': 'treated this is the important part but narcissists\xa0\nare people who have a lack of empathy have a high'}, {'start': '303.040', 'end': '309.440', 'text': 'need for control and they manipulate to get the\xa0\nthings that they want and it is all about them now'}, {'start': '309.440', 'end': '315.360', 'text': 'I was married to a covert narcissist and a covert\xa0\nnarcissist is you know out in public you know like'}, {'start': '315.360', 'end': '321.200', 'text': 'serving the community and maybe going to church\xa0\nthings like that at home is doing the abusing'}, {'start': '321.200', 'end': '326.800', 'text': "and that doesn't mean necessarily that they're\xa0\nputting their hands on you it's all psychological"}, {'start': '326.800', 'end': '333.600', 'text': 'and you know just all that kind of stuff you\xa0\nknow right now we may see malignant narcissism'}, {'start': '333.600', 'end': '340.640', 'text': 'happening you know like in politics and you know\xa0\nthings like that those are the kinds of things we'}, {'start': '340.640', 'end': '345.280', 'text': "see where like those are sometimes what people\xa0\nthink is a narcissist like someone who's more"}, {'start': '345.280', 'end': '353.760', 'text': "open and like I love myself and all that but it's\xa0\na shame based disorder and they don't have to be"}, {'start': '353.760', 'end': '360.640', 'text': "um diagnosed for us to be saying like is this\xa0\nthe kind of life I want to live so that's where"}, {'start': '360.640', 'end': '366.560', 'text': "I got to i didn't need a diagnosis because frankly\xa0\nnarcissists aren't going anywhere near a therapist"}, {'start': '366.560', 'end': '374.080', 'text': "office to go get diagnosed with anything they're\xa0\nnot going to so really a high lack of empathy and"}, {'start': '374.080', 'end': '381.360', 'text': 'manipulation you know loving themselves things\xa0\nlike that well all about themselves is what it is'}, {'start': '381.360', 'end': '388.880', 'text': "it's all about them it's not about you so that's\xa0\nthe that's the basic um the basic label but I"}, {'start': '388.880', 'end': '393.440', 'text': "don't want women to get caught up on that because\xa0\nwe I always talk when I'm helping them I'm talking"}, {'start': '393.440', 'end': '402.400', 'text': 'about your relationship and how is it is does\xa0\nit feel healthy are is your mental health being'}, {'start': '402.400', 'end': '408.880', 'text': "jeopardized um then we need to talk about that\xa0\nand it doesn't matter if there's a label that was"}, {'start': '408.880', 'end': '413.680', 'text': "like it doesn't matter if there's a label how are\xa0\nyou feeling like when you said that I'm like that"}, {'start': '413.680', 'end': '422.320', 'text': 'just clicks that just like Yeah um so take me back\xa0\nthough to that time were how were you able to pull'}, {'start': '422.320', 'end': '430.720', 'text': "yourself out and recover um after your divorce\xa0\nlike Yeah what was that like yeah well it wasn't"}, {'start': '430.720', 'end': '437.520', 'text': 'easy especially after 33 years i really thought\xa0\nI was walking out and like "Yeah I\'m getting rid'}, {'start': '437.520', 'end': '442.640', 'text': 'of the problem everything\'s great now." you know\xa0\nand it\'s just so it\'s so silly of me to even think'}, {'start': '442.640', 'end': '447.760', 'text': "that but I really did think well the problems\xa0\nthe problem's gone and now everything's going"}, {'start': '447.760', 'end': '455.760', 'text': 'to be fine and so I really went hard into therapy\xa0\nand you want to find the right kind of therapist'}, {'start': '455.760', 'end': '461.760', 'text': "that's like trauma informed though I didn't know I\xa0\nwas a narcissistic abuse so I just wanted someone"}, {'start': '461.760', 'end': '466.400', 'text': 'who would give me really good tools and I had a\xa0\ngreat therapist who gave me great tools how to'}, {'start': '466.400', 'end': '475.120', 'text': 'help myself and then um I joined a divorce group i\xa0\ntalked to friends um who had been divorced i did a'}, {'start': '475.120', 'end': '480.560', 'text': "lot of things for dopamine like exercising things\xa0\nlike that because look there's time and a place"}, {'start': '480.560', 'end': '485.600', 'text': "for Netflix and wine but it's not going to get you\xa0\nwhere you want to go all the time and so that's"}, {'start': '485.600', 'end': '491.760', 'text': "what you have to think about um because we can do\xa0\nthose relaxing things but they aren't always good"}, {'start': '491.760', 'end': '496.960', 'text': "for our mental health especially if we've had high\xa0\nanxiety which you will find your nervous system is"}, {'start': '496.960', 'end': '502.880', 'text': "so disregulated that you're trying to get back\xa0\ninto regulation after so you're going to sleep"}, {'start': '502.880', 'end': '510.320', 'text': 'a lot and the other thing I did was I journaled\xa0\na ton i journaled a lot in fact I journaled and'}, {'start': '510.320', 'end': '515.680', 'text': "that's what's in my book i wrote a book and I\xa0\njournaled um it's part of my journals and then I"}, {'start': '515.680', 'end': '522.320', 'text': 'talk about what was going on with me mentally and\xa0\nclinically and stuff like that so um journaling'}, {'start': '522.320', 'end': '528.320', 'text': "is a great way to get it out of your head so\xa0\nyou don't harp on it or keep like um ruminating"}, {'start': '528.320', 'end': '533.840', 'text': 'because that is a very common thing after abuse\xa0\nis you want to ruminate and because your your'}, {'start': '533.840', 'end': '540.000', 'text': 'brain wants to like fill in the story and wants\xa0\nto put the story pieces together so we ruminate'}, {'start': '540.000', 'end': '545.520', 'text': "so you have to get it out of your head there's\xa0\nseveral things that I want to come back to here"}, {'start': '545.520', 'end': '552.400', 'text': 'so like h how did you I mean the support group\xa0\nthat sounds great but how did you like be like'}, {'start': '552.400', 'end': '559.600', 'text': '"Okay we we aren\'t going to sit in this too long."\xa0\nYeah well okay so I really listen to my body so'}, {'start': '559.600', 'end': '566.800', 'text': 'I used to drink wine when I was married to numb\xa0\nthe pain and like escape and so then when I got'}, {'start': '566.800', 'end': '571.760', 'text': 'divorced I would like "Oh it\'s the end of the day\xa0\ni\'m going to have a glass of wine with my dinner."'}, {'start': '571.760', 'end': '577.360', 'text': 'I noticed that my anxiety would go up and so\xa0\nwhat I was doing as I was healing was learning to'}, {'start': '577.360', 'end': '583.360', 'text': "listen to my body and say like this isn't feeling\xa0\ngood so my therapist which was a great help she"}, {'start': '583.360', 'end': '588.880', 'text': "would say like say yes to some things like good\xa0\nthings okay like don't just say yes to random"}, {'start': '588.880', 'end': '594.720', 'text': "things but say yes to some good things so that\xa0\nyou can see what you like and what you don't like"}, {'start': '594.720', 'end': '602.160', 'text': "and then be listening to your body and how you're\xa0\nreacting to it um and so things like I really felt"}, {'start': '602.160', 'end': '607.680', 'text': 'like a really deep need to go to the beach because\xa0\nI love the beach and the ocean is very regulating'}, {'start': '607.680', 'end': '611.600', 'text': "and so I was like I'm going to the beach for the\xa0\nday you know and I did i drove down for the day"}, {'start': '611.600', 'end': '620.880', 'text': "cuz we can do that we're so close you know and so\xa0\nlistening to my body and deciding my my anxiety"}, {'start': '620.880', 'end': '625.760', 'text': "was too high when I was drinking and it's like why\xa0\nwas I doing it so I really had to talk to myself"}, {'start': '625.760', 'end': '630.960', 'text': "about it i didn't that didn't come up with that\xa0\novernight but now I don't drink at all and only"}, {'start': '630.960', 'end': '637.440', 'text': "because I noticed my anxiety levels are much lower\xa0\nand that was a goal that's a goal of mine you've"}, {'start': '637.440', 'end': '643.840', 'text': "already been in survival mode when you're in abuse\xa0\nso listen to your body and see what feels good and"}, {'start': '643.840', 'end': '650.080', 'text': "what doesn't feel good it's not like I never drink\xa0\nbut listening to my body and trying to figure out"}, {'start': '650.080', 'end': '655.520', 'text': "what works and what doesn't work it's just trial\xa0\nand error and but I had to pay attention to what"}, {'start': '655.520', 'end': '661.200', 'text': 'was happening well and I think that this is\xa0\nsomething that can be applied to everyone in'}, {'start': '661.200', 'end': '667.920', 'text': "whatever situation but that curiosity piece I\xa0\nthat's great advice from the therapist of being"}, {'start': '667.920', 'end': '676.320', 'text': "like okay see what makes you feel good to go test\xa0\nthings out and to like I'm sure when you started"}, {'start': '676.320', 'end': '683.040', 'text': "that were you thinking that you wouldn't really\xa0\ndrink as much i just didn't even No I didn't i"}, {'start': '683.040', 'end': '687.840', 'text': "just didn't know what I would do I sort of felt\xa0\nlike I was just going to go on with my life the"}, {'start': '687.840', 'end': '695.280', 'text': 'same way but then as I was whatever I was doing\xa0\nlike the drinking and I would go out with friends'}, {'start': '695.280', 'end': '700.480', 'text': "and I'd have a glass of wine and I'd be like I\xa0\njust don't feel good anymore when I'm doing this"}, {'start': '700.480', 'end': '707.360', 'text': 'because I would wake up with such anxiety you know\xa0\nwhen you drink your anxiety is affected and so I'}, {'start': '707.360', 'end': '711.440', 'text': "was waking up with high anxiety and I'm like\xa0\nI'm never going to get better if I'm doing all"}, {'start': '711.440', 'end': '720.080', 'text': "these other things to get better but I am you know\xa0\nI'm really messing it up by doing this one thing"}, {'start': '720.080', 'end': '726.240', 'text': 'then I just have to stop it it I it would apply to\xa0\nanything if I was overspending if I was eating too'}, {'start': '726.240', 'end': '733.040', 'text': "much if I was doing drugs that didn't really help\xa0\nme uh so I just had to think about it and that's"}, {'start': '733.040', 'end': '737.760', 'text': "what people should do is really stop and look at\xa0\nyour life and really think about what's in your"}, {'start': '737.760', 'end': '743.120', 'text': "body what are you feeling because we're going to\xa0\nlearn who we are at this point no matter what our"}, {'start': '743.120', 'end': '750.080', 'text': "situation is we're going to leave if we're leaving\xa0\na a situation okay a toxic situation it could even"}, {'start': '750.080', 'end': '757.280', 'text': 'be a friendship you have to think about what do I\xa0\nwant now what do I want for the future what did I'}, {'start': '757.280', 'end': '764.240', 'text': "learn from this you know and so so that's just\xa0\nthat's just what I'm doing right now it's been"}, {'start': '764.240', 'end': '768.000', 'text': "the biggest change for me and I know that's not\xa0\nfor everybody but that's been the biggest change"}, {'start': '768.000', 'end': '775.280', 'text': "for me and I don't miss it at all well and I think\xa0\nthat this is the thing of everyone if you're just"}, {'start': '775.280', 'end': '781.040', 'text': "curious and paying attention to how you feel with\xa0\ndifferent things you're going to find the stuff"}, {'start': '781.040', 'end': '788.080', 'text': 'for you that like as you were talking about you\xa0\nwake up with anxiety like I feel like we all have'}, {'start': '788.080', 'end': '795.840', 'text': "things that um you know that you do that you just\xa0\nwake up and you're like you don't feel well rested"}, {'start': '795.840', 'end': '803.440', 'text': "i've become a morning person and so if I stay up\xa0\nlate scrolling and I don't wake up early like my"}, {'start': '803.440', 'end': '812.320', 'text': "I'm off you know and so like now I know that\xa0\nabout myself but um yeah but it's interesting"}, {'start': '812.320', 'end': '819.440', 'text': 'like I I want to really try this and was this a\xa0\npart of your journaling and doing this as well'}, {'start': '819.440', 'end': '825.280', 'text': "yeah I it just every I did I've been journaling\xa0\nsince I was probably 10 years old with a diary"}, {'start': '825.280', 'end': '829.840', 'text': "you know what I mean and so it's just always\xa0\nbeen a thing it's been a place where I could"}, {'start': '829.840', 'end': '835.840', 'text': 'pray or I could write my thoughts down i could\xa0\ndream about the future things like that and it'}, {'start': '835.840', 'end': '843.360', 'text': 'really just helped me to as I was going through\xa0\nthis whole process of healing like this is what'}, {'start': '843.360', 'end': '848.880', 'text': "I did today and this was what worked and this is\xa0\nwhat didn't work kind of thing so that's just all"}, {'start': '848.880', 'end': '854.080', 'text': "part of it i'm not even sure if I mentioned\xa0\nit in my book or not but um the journaling"}, {'start': '854.080', 'end': '860.560', 'text': "for sure yeah it's all my I have about 20 journal\xa0\nentries and then you get to read about what I was"}, {'start': '860.560', 'end': '866.480', 'text': "going through what I was feeling what's what the\xa0\nnarcissist is doing stuff like that it was really"}, {'start': '866.480', 'end': '872.240', 'text': 'um I really wanted to share that because it was\xa0\nimportant then you can see that I went five steps'}, {'start': '872.240', 'end': '878.160', 'text': 'forward and then sometimes I had to go a couple\xa0\nsteps back because you know healing is not linear'}, {'start': '878.160', 'end': '885.040', 'text': "it's a you know you go forward but it's a big\xa0\nsquiggly line and and it that's what it's in my"}, {'start': '885.040', 'end': '891.440', 'text': "journals in my book is like there were some days\xa0\nwhere I'm like I'm so good I didn't cry today and"}, {'start': '891.440', 'end': '901.600', 'text': "then the next day I'm like f them f this yeah well\xa0\nand especially 33 years with someone that's a lot"}, {'start': '901.600', 'end': '911.200', 'text': "of life together and a lot of like your family\xa0\ntogether your friends like it's it's a huge part"}, {'start': '911.200', 'end': '919.120', 'text': "of your life it is and then you're going to see\xa0\nwho the real people are that stick around and that"}, {'start': '919.120', 'end': '926.000', 'text': "was a really big wakeup call so the biggest thing\xa0\nfor me was learning healthy boundaries and that's"}, {'start': '926.000', 'end': '932.000', 'text': "how I got out of my marriage and that's how I\xa0\nlearned to heal after was learn and so that's"}, {'start': '932.000', 'end': '937.760', 'text': "what I I teach women um when I'm working with them\xa0\nis um we're going to learn healthy boundaries and"}, {'start': '937.760', 'end': '942.720', 'text': "what what do you want what do you want in this\xa0\nworld and what are the choices you're going to"}, {'start': '942.720', 'end': '948.560', 'text': "make when the people around you are stepping all\xa0\nover you and there's some people that aren't going"}, {'start': '948.560', 'end': '955.760', 'text': 'to like that because the unhealed version of you\xa0\nwith no boundaries was more beneficial to them'}, {'start': '955.760', 'end': '963.520', 'text': "so there are quite a few people in my life that\xa0\num did not like Laura 2.0 and uh and that's okay"}, {'start': '963.520', 'end': '967.440', 'text': "and that's the way it's going to be i don't want\xa0\nto scare anybody off to do healing you're going"}, {'start': '967.440', 'end': '973.200', 'text': "to see but listen there's some friends who never\xa0\nleft my side i have one of my best friends from"}, {'start': '973.200', 'end': '978.800', 'text': 'when I was 11 were still friends to this day she\xa0\nwas my maid of honor she stood by me when I when'}, {'start': '978.800', 'end': '982.160', 'text': "I married him and she stood by me when I left\xa0\nhim you know what I mean and she hasn't moved"}, {'start': '982.160', 'end': '987.200', 'text': "a muscle and there's plenty of people because\xa0\nI went through that time when I was sharing"}, {'start': '987.200', 'end': '994.400', 'text': 'my story um I felt like people would leave you\xa0\nknow like they quietly left my life and I have'}, {'start': '994.400', 'end': '1000.320', 'text': 'friends who said "Hey you told me your story and\xa0\nI didn\'t go anywhere." And that\'s important to'}, {'start': '1000.320', 'end': '1007.920', 'text': 'remember the right people are going to stay the\xa0\nquality people are going to stay yeah well and'}, {'start': '1007.920', 'end': '1014.480', 'text': "as you're talking about these healthy boundaries I\xa0\nthink that's a hard thing because to be like this"}, {'start': '1014.480', 'end': '1021.760', 'text': "is my boundary now cuz it's always that person you\xa0\nknow if that's like oh this is what I'm doing like"}, {'start': '1021.760', 'end': '1029.840', 'text': "you're saying people don't like the new version\xa0\nof you because oftent times how do I word that"}, {'start': '1029.840', 'end': '1035.600', 'text': 'well they benefited from you not having boundaries\xa0\nbecause they got to get they got to get away with'}, {'start': '1035.600', 'end': '1040.320', 'text': "certain things they probably got to treat you a\xa0\ncertain way i don't know if that's what you were"}, {'start': '1040.320', 'end': '1049.680', 'text': 'thinking no yeah like I I think that Yeah when you\xa0\nstart to like draw a clear line so like how how do'}, {'start': '1049.680', 'end': '1056.560', 'text': 'you express like boundaries yeah so boundaries I\xa0\nalways thought especially as a recovering people'}, {'start': '1056.560', 'end': '1062.320', 'text': "pleaser I was like I can't tell people what to\xa0\ndo and that's what I thought boundaries were was"}, {'start': '1062.320', 'end': '1067.680', 'text': 'telling people what to do but boundaries are\xa0\nnot that boundaries are what you will do if'}, {'start': '1067.680', 'end': '1075.120', 'text': 'people continue with their behavior so that looks\xa0\nlike I always give this kind of example because I'}, {'start': '1075.120', 'end': '1079.680', 'text': "think we've all been there is like when you're at\xa0\nThanksgiving or something like that and someone"}, {'start': '1079.680', 'end': '1086.800', 'text': "in your family you know comments on oh you took a\xa0\nsecond piece of pie or oh wow you're eating that"}, {'start': '1086.800', 'end': '1093.920', 'text': 'much you know those kinds of things okay imagine\xa0\nthat scenario your boundary is now please do'}, {'start': '1093.920', 'end': '1100.080', 'text': 'not comment on my plate please do not comment on\xa0\nwhat\'s what I\'m doing when people are like "Oh it'}, {'start': '1100.080', 'end': '1106.000', 'text': 'looks like you\'ve lost weight please don\'t comment\xa0\non my body." And if they continue you have to be'}, {'start': '1106.000', 'end': '1110.720', 'text': 'able in your mind to say "Hey look I\'m going to\xa0\nleave because I can\'t I\'m not you know you\'re not'}, {'start': '1110.720', 'end': '1117.760', 'text': 'you don\'t feel like um you\'re still continuing\xa0\nand I\'m uncomfortable so I\'m going to go." And'}, {'start': '1117.760', 'end': '1124.000', 'text': "that's just one example but it's those kinds of\xa0\nthings like you will have to remove yourself from"}, {'start': '1124.000', 'end': '1131.440', 'text': 'certain situations and I I had to I had to remove\xa0\nmyself from certain situations certain friendships'}, {'start': '1131.440', 'end': '1141.360', 'text': 'um because of certain things that were being\xa0\nsaid um to me and um about my ex things like'}, {'start': '1141.360', 'end': '1147.120', 'text': 'that that it\'s like "Hey can you not like tell\xa0\nme about my ex?" And if they can\'t stop then'}, {'start': '1147.120', 'end': '1152.240', 'text': 'you have to say "Okay well hey I\'m going to go\xa0\nand you know whatever." And then you can just'}, {'start': '1152.240', 'end': '1158.000', 'text': "leave you don't have to make a big speech you\xa0\ndon't have to make a big event you know when I"}, {'start': '1158.000', 'end': '1167.440', 'text': "um had my friendship break up there wasn't a big\xa0\nevent it just she knew what she did and so what"}, {'start': '1167.440', 'end': '1173.120', 'text': 'my choice people can do whatever they want this is\xa0\nthe whole thing going on with let them right now'}, {'start': '1173.120', 'end': '1180.240', 'text': 'right we people can do whatever they want you get\xa0\nto choose what you do with that information so if'}, {'start': '1180.240', 'end': '1184.960', 'text': 'people want to walk all over you you get to leave\xa0\nthat situation you do not have to be friends with'}, {'start': '1184.960', 'end': '1192.080', 'text': "them you don't have to have them in your life\xa0\nso think about friendships and other people but"}, {'start': '1192.080', 'end': '1197.120', 'text': 'I just think about relationships in general think\xa0\nof I think of it as a bullseye and the people that'}, {'start': '1197.120', 'end': '1201.680', 'text': 'are closest to you are in the middle bullseye\xa0\nright those are like your a group those are'}, {'start': '1201.680', 'end': '1206.560', 'text': "the real close friends the ones you call the time\xa0\nyou're in the group text with but then you go out"}, {'start': '1206.560', 'end': '1215.600', 'text': "further and you might have those friends that like\xa0\nyou see sometimes and that they're good friends"}, {'start': '1215.600', 'end': '1221.920', 'text': "but they're not in your inner circle sort of thing\xa0\nand you have to think about maybe things like that"}, {'start': '1221.920', 'end': '1226.880', 'text': 'the ones that are in the middle are the ones you\xa0\nprobably have the most boundaries with um but'}, {'start': '1226.880', 'end': '1232.160', 'text': "they're going to respect them you know they're not\xa0\ngonna they're not going to talk about things that"}, {'start': '1232.160', 'end': '1239.520', 'text': "you don't want to talk about um they're not going\xa0\nto talk to you you know poorly and so I'm like and"}, {'start': '1239.520', 'end': '1243.760', 'text': 'I was like "Oh I\'m sorry you know what i didn\'t\xa0\neven realize you know I just it was a habit you'}, {'start': '1243.760', 'end': '1248.080', 'text': 'know sometimes you want to give the advice." She\xa0\nwas like "No no I\'m good." And I was like "Okay'}, {'start': '1248.080', 'end': '1254.640', 'text': "but that's not to me that's not rude that was her\xa0\njust telling me straight out right but in a nice"}, {'start': '1254.640', 'end': '1262.320', 'text': 'way." And I could take offense but why would I\xa0\ntake offense because that\'s my own issue is those'}, {'start': '1262.320', 'end': '1269.360', 'text': "problems and then listen I love that you brought\xa0\nthat up about unsafe friends the I'm tell you"}, {'start': '1269.360', 'end': '1274.240', 'text': "know the friends you know the friends when you're\xa0\nsitting there going I shouldn't say this because"}, {'start': '1274.240', 'end': '1280.320', 'text': "it's going to get repeated or if you have to keep\xa0\nsaying don't repeat this don't repeat this that's"}, {'start': '1280.320', 'end': '1284.240', 'text': "not anybody you should be telling anything to\xa0\nbecause they're going to repeat it and why do you"}, {'start': '1284.240', 'end': '1290.000', 'text': 'feel that way so yeah I love that you you brought\xa0\nthat up those are those unsafe friends and the'}, {'start': '1290.000', 'end': '1294.160', 'text': "boundary you have there is they don't get to be in\xa0\nyour a circle because they don't show themselves"}, {'start': '1294.160', 'end': '1300.000', 'text': "trustworthy yeah and I think that like you said\xa0\nas you get older you just don't want to deal with"}, {'start': '1300.000', 'end': '1306.880', 'text': "stuff that I'm like I don't want drama like I love\xa0\nreality TV but I do not want drama in my life yes"}, {'start': '1306.880', 'end': '1314.400', 'text': 'exactly we can watch it and talk about it but not\xa0\nfor us so one of the things that I wanted to go'}, {'start': '1314.400', 'end': '1319.680', 'text': 'back to to our earliest earlier conversation was\xa0\nyou talking about this book and with journaling so'}, {'start': '1319.680', 'end': '1326.000', 'text': "what's the title of your book my book is called\xa0\nMarried to a Nice Guy getting over narcissistic"}, {'start': '1326.000', 'end': '1332.720', 'text': "abuse um because covert narcissists are often\xa0\nthey're say he's such a nice guy and I was like"}, {'start': '1332.720', 'end': '1340.320', 'text': 'if I hear that one more time I heard that all\xa0\nthe time about my ex and and nice is in quotes'}, {'start': '1340.320', 'end': '1345.920', 'text': 'um because he was out there serving the community\xa0\nserving the homeless being the you know great guy'}, {'start': '1345.920', 'end': '1354.320', 'text': 'at church and then coming home being a jerk\xa0\nand ruining my mental health for 33 years so'}, {'start': '1354.320', 'end': '1359.360', 'text': "um so that's why I named it that and then getting\xa0\nover narcissistic abuse so you know and so I give"}, {'start': '1359.360', 'end': '1369.120', 'text': "you it's my own stories and then I I give you a\xa0\nglossery of information and what's going on what"}, {'start': '1369.120', 'end': '1375.200', 'text': "how do you heal from it things like that that's\xa0\nwhat I talk about in the book okay so are you I"}, {'start': '1375.200', 'end': '1379.920', 'text': "know you said you've been like journaling since\xa0\nyour diary at 10 but like would you consider"}, {'start': '1379.920', 'end': '1387.200', 'text': 'yourself a writer or was this a stretch for\xa0\nyou i would not consider myself a writer at all'}, {'start': '1388.080', 'end': '1392.640', 'text': "but I think that was also a family thing you\xa0\nknow like my dad's a writer and I don't know"}, {'start': '1392.640', 'end': '1398.400', 'text': "that I was encouraged to be a writer i don't\xa0\nthink I'm a writer um at all it's not something"}, {'start': '1398.400', 'end': '1403.520', 'text': "like I crave to do like even when I have to go do\xa0\na social media post I'm like I don't know what to"}, {'start': '1403.520', 'end': '1410.640', 'text': "say you know um so it wasn't that it was okay this\xa0\nis the thing i had a desire to tell my story in a"}, {'start': '1410.640', 'end': '1415.680', 'text': "different format like I've already done it on my\xa0\npodcast i do it on social media but then to write"}, {'start': '1415.680', 'end': '1422.240', 'text': "a book it's so fun to get to you know get it down\xa0\non pages and so I just had a publisher who helped"}, {'start': '1422.240', 'end': '1426.720', 'text': "me she's also in the same kind of narcissistic\xa0\nabuse spaces and she helped me put it together"}, {'start': '1426.720', 'end': '1431.760', 'text': 'and I gave her the idea that I wanted to do the\xa0\njournaling and then kind of talk about it and she'}, {'start': '1431.760', 'end': '1442.000', 'text': "helped me put it together and voila that's\xa0\nso cool okay so like shifting a little bit"}, {'start': '1442.000', 'end': '1452.480', 'text': "so let's talk about like a little bit what you do\xa0\nwith coaching the these women um and if someone is"}, {'start': '1452.480', 'end': '1460.160', 'text': "just getting out of divorce well I have a I have\xa0\na one-on-one discovery call that's free so you can"}, {'start': '1460.160', 'end': '1466.000', 'text': 'like we can chat to see if we should work together\xa0\nif I can help you with making that decision'}, {'start': '1466.000', 'end': '1474.160', 'text': 'um and then um I also have one-on-one coaching\xa0\nto help you decide you know what do you want to'}, {'start': '1474.160', 'end': '1480.560', 'text': 'do next how do you want to live the rest of your\xa0\nlife because the women I work with were are women'}, {'start': '1480.560', 'end': '1486.800', 'text': 'like me women in midlife who got I got divorced at\xa0\n55 and I was like what do I do next you know like'}, {'start': '1486.800', 'end': '1493.120', 'text': "what am I doing now and what I'm learning is we're\xa0\nnot done you know so we're learning how to dream"}, {'start': '1493.120', 'end': '1498.640', 'text': 'again um that\'s what I did i literally called\xa0\nmy friend who\'s a coach and I said "Hey I don\'t'}, {'start': '1498.640', 'end': '1503.440', 'text': 'know what this means but I want to dream again."\xa0\nAnd she\'s like "Okay." And um that\'s how I came'}, {'start': '1503.440', 'end': '1508.960', 'text': "up with the podcast that doesn't mean you'll come\xa0\nup with the podcast but it just means that um we"}, {'start': '1508.960', 'end': '1514.960', 'text': "need to see what's next for you because you've if\xa0\nyou've been in abuse or you think you've been in"}, {'start': '1514.960', 'end': '1520.960', 'text': "abuse you probably haven't been dreaming because\xa0\nyour dreams have been squashed by that that person"}, {'start': '1520.960', 'end': '1526.160', 'text': "who's been that toxic person who's been around\xa0\nyou and then I also have group coaching i have"}, {'start': '1526.160', 'end': '1532.560', 'text': 'a group and um and we work together just a small\xa0\ngroup and then we all work together and share our'}, {'start': '1532.560', 'end': '1539.600', 'text': 'stories and I help you go through um 10 weeks\xa0\nof of healing and we break down each section'}, {'start': '1539.600', 'end': '1545.760', 'text': 'we learn boundaries we learn how to dream again\xa0\num we learn you know in depth what a narcissist'}, {'start': '1545.760', 'end': '1552.160', 'text': "is so we don't do it again so yeah it's those are\xa0\nall the ways and then of course my podcast and my"}, {'start': '1552.160', 'end': '1556.800', 'text': "books and stuff like that so that you if you don't\xa0\nwant to work directly with me there's other ways"}, {'start': '1556.800', 'end': '1562.000', 'text': "to work with me so what's been the most rewarding\xa0\ncuz like how you said that you called your friend"}, {'start': '1562.000', 'end': '1567.200', 'text': "and you're like I want to dream again you started\xa0\nthe podcast you started the coaching you wrote the"}, {'start': '1567.200', 'end': '1576.080', 'text': "book um what's been the most rewarding thing about\xa0\ncoaching these women just to see the you know that"}, {'start': '1576.080', 'end': '1582.960', 'text': "they have hope for the future and that's the thing\xa0\nis that we come out of this thinking that there's"}, {'start': '1582.960', 'end': '1589.840', 'text': "no hope and that we're so devastated and it's\xa0\nso hard and then I see like okay this was what"}, {'start': '1589.840', 'end': '1595.360', 'text': "happened to me is that I felt really alone when\xa0\nI got divorced and that's why I started talking"}, {'start': '1595.360', 'end': '1601.600', 'text': "about it i was really petty on social media that's\xa0\nhow I started but it helped me petty like in the"}, {'start': '1601.600', 'end': '1608.400', 'text': 'comment section or just like petty like you share\xa0\nyour thoughts full full on petty videos that I am'}, {'start': '1608.400', 'end': '1614.640', 'text': 'not embarrassed and they are still out there so I\xa0\nwhen I found out about his girlfriend I was like'}, {'start': '1614.640', 'end': '1619.760', 'text': '"Oh I\'m done i\'m done being quiet because when\xa0\nyou\'re a narcissistic abuse you\'re very quiet'}, {'start': '1619.760', 'end': '1628.000', 'text': 'you don\'t talk about things you you\'re not allowed\xa0\nto say anything." And I was like "Oh." He took our'}, {'start': '1628.000', 'end': '1636.560', 'text': 'marriage vows and and was like "Throw them in\xa0\nthe trash." And so I was like "Oh no like mean'}, {'start': '1636.560', 'end': '1643.600', 'text': 'like nice Laura died that day and mean Laura came\xa0\nto play." And so now I\'ve learned how to like how'}, {'start': '1643.600', 'end': '1650.320', 'text': 'do I tell the story how do I help others how do\xa0\nI talk about on my podcast without being bitter'}, {'start': '1650.320', 'end': '1656.880', 'text': 'um and then the petty is like the cherry on top so\xa0\nso but I started with I started with petty videos'}, {'start': '1656.880', 'end': '1662.400', 'text': "and and the reason was was because I really needed\xa0\nto talk about it and I didn't find people who were"}, {'start': '1662.400', 'end': '1667.760', 'text': 'talking about it now I find lots of people who are\xa0\ntalking about it and so what I do is I help women'}, {'start': '1667.760', 'end': '1672.560', 'text': "not feel alone because you really do feel alone\xa0\nespecially when you've been in narcissic abuse"}, {'start': '1672.560', 'end': '1678.800', 'text': "you're isolated any kind of really abuse that\xa0\nway domestic violence you've been isolated you're"}, {'start': '1678.800', 'end': '1687.360', 'text': "quiet you're not supposed to talk about things u\xa0\nit's all about them and so giving them hope and"}, {'start': '1687.360', 'end': '1692.080', 'text': "um and you know making sure they know\xa0\nthey're not alone that's the biggest thing"}, {'start': '1692.080', 'end': '1697.920', 'text': 'well and especially being married to the nice\xa0\nguy in the community that like you said is doing'}, {'start': '1697.920', 'end': '1704.800', 'text': "everything at church everything and people are\xa0\nlike so surprised i'm sure that you um starting"}, {'start': '1704.800', 'end': '1710.160', 'text': 'with those videos even though that they were petty\xa0\nprobably felt like you were like getting like it'}, {'start': '1710.160', 'end': '1716.640', 'text': 'was empowering to be like "No this is my side."\xa0\nYes exactly and and this is the thing you have to'}, {'start': '1716.640', 'end': '1721.200', 'text': "remember is the smear campaign has already been\xa0\ngoing on they've already been telling everybody"}, {'start': '1721.200', 'end': '1727.600', 'text': "they're in a terrible marriage and then I was the\xa0\none who wanted out um it's the reverse discard"}, {'start': '1727.600', 'end': '1733.840', 'text': 'and so he kind of approached it but then I was\xa0\nthe one who said "No I want out." And so then he'}, {'start': '1733.840', 'end': '1739.840', 'text': 'was able to tell everybody "Oh Laura asked\xa0\nfor the divorce woe is me." So you have to'}, {'start': '1739.840', 'end': '1744.800', 'text': 'remember that smear campaign is already going on\xa0\nthere and then I suspected that was going on but'}, {'start': '1744.800', 'end': '1749.840', 'text': 'then I we have grown kids and my kids were like\xa0\n"Yeah mom he\'s telling everybody you gave up on'}, {'start': '1749.840', 'end': '1755.360', 'text': "the marriage and I'm like really i was the only\xa0\none in therapy i was the only one ever doing any"}, {'start': '1755.360', 'end': '1761.920', 'text': "work for our marriage and and so you have to\xa0\nbe okay with that and that's also what we're"}, {'start': '1761.920', 'end': '1768.160', 'text': "learning is that we got to be okay with this is\xa0\nwhat's going on and so that's why for me when"}, {'start': '1768.160', 'end': '1775.280', 'text': 'people are you know I have had a few people why I\xa0\nended up with a podcast was doing the petty videos'}, {'start': '1775.280', 'end': '1779.520', 'text': 'because I had people you know come out from the\xa0\nwoodwork and and were like "Hey did you know my'}, {'start': '1779.520', 'end': '1785.280', 'text': 'first marriage was abusive?" And I was like "No\xa0\ncuz nobody talks about it." And so then I had'}, {'start': '1785.280', 'end': '1791.200', 'text': 'other people who were like "Hey you shouldn\'t be\xa0\nsaying those things about your ex like it\'s just'}, {'start': '1791.200', 'end': '1799.120', 'text': 'not right." And I was like "Oh does that hurt your\xa0\nfeelings sorry I\'m not going to stop." Um I did I'}, {'start': '1799.120', 'end': '1803.840', 'text': 'did stop for a second and was like analyzing it\xa0\ngoing like "Really should I not talk about it?"'}, {'start': '1803.840', 'end': '1809.680', 'text': 'it and then I was like "No this is abusive."\xa0\nLike that\'s even more abusive you know so'}, {'start': '1809.680', 'end': '1815.680', 'text': "um so that's why I just had to talk about it and\xa0\ntell my side of the story not everyone believes"}, {'start': '1815.680', 'end': '1821.120', 'text': "me don't care those people aren't in my life\xa0\nanymore you don't have to believe me if you've"}, {'start': '1821.120', 'end': '1827.200', 'text': "been in abuse I'll tell you right now the people I\xa0\num interview on my podcast our stories are all the"}, {'start': '1827.200', 'end': '1833.280', 'text': "same it's just a little bit different there's a\xa0\nyou know different person slightly different story"}, {'start': '1833.280', 'end': '1837.680', 'text': "they're almost all the same they have the They\xa0\nhave the same patterns so I don't care if you"}, {'start': '1837.680', 'end': '1842.160', 'text': "don't believe me that's okay you can believe him\xa0\nthat's fine you don't get to and then So I'll let"}, {'start': '1842.160', 'end': '1849.520', 'text': "you believe that but then my my side is you're\xa0\nnot in my life that's how it works well earlier"}, {'start': '1849.520', 'end': '1855.680', 'text': "did you say that you were oldest child mhm okay\xa0\ni'm an oldest child and I'm also a fair police"}, {'start': '1855.680', 'end': '1866.160', 'text': 'so to hear what you say that you have to be okay\xa0\nwith that narrative be like "Oh my gosh that would'}, {'start': '1866.160', 'end': '1875.120', 'text': "be so hard because Oh gosh that educate everyone\xa0\nwhich I mean apparently that's what you But like"}, {'start': '1875.120', 'end': '1881.680', 'text': 'the fact that you can talk right now and not be\xa0\nbitter about it and like everything i just think'}, {'start': '1881.680', 'end': '1887.840', 'text': "that shows the growth and to be okay that there's\xa0\ngoing to be those people that believe his side and"}, {'start': '1887.840', 'end': '1896.400', 'text': "as a fair like person it's oh that's so hard it is\xa0\nso hard right you want to like tell people no this"}, {'start': '1896.400', 'end': '1904.960', 'text': "is what happened don't believe him but I totally\xa0\nget that but let me tell you there is something so"}, {'start': '1904.960', 'end': '1910.240', 'text': "great there's something even better the way you're\xa0\nmaking the way you feel like your skin's crawling"}, {'start': '1910.240', 'end': '1916.000', 'text': "because it's not fair i have such a pleasure in\xa0\npicking up this microphone and telling my side of"}, {'start': '1916.000', 'end': '1921.440', 'text': "the story and knowing it's true and I'm not making\xa0\nanything up look I don't even have to exaggerate"}, {'start': '1921.440', 'end': '1930.000', 'text': "it like well this the stuff I'm uncovering is\xa0\namazing that is powerful that is powerful for any"}, {'start': '1930.000', 'end': '1938.080', 'text': "breakup of a relationship that like you have to be\xa0\nokay with whatever they're they're saying because"}, {'start': '1938.080', 'end': '1943.120', 'text': "that's the only way you can find peace well\xa0\nespecially if you know it's true you know you know"}, {'start': '1943.120', 'end': '1951.280', 'text': "your side you don't have to worry about it and so\xa0\nlook even my kids I I had a couple of times where"}, {'start': '1951.280', 'end': '1958.000', 'text': 'their dad was telling them something and I told\xa0\nmy because our kids are grown so I said to them um'}, {'start': '1958.000', 'end': '1963.520', 'text': "hey whatever he says if you want to ask me if it's\xa0\ntrue or my side of the story we can talk about it"}, {'start': '1963.520', 'end': '1969.840', 'text': "so they asked me all the questions and and that's\xa0\nit's like I gave my side they could do whatever"}, {'start': '1969.840', 'end': '1976.160', 'text': 'they wanted with that but listen they saw their\xa0\ndad behaving the way that a narcissist does like'}, {'start': '1976.160', 'end': '1981.600', 'text': "he was in the re in a new relationship immediately\xa0\nlike there wasn't even a breath like sign the"}, {'start': '1981.600', 'end': '1989.200', 'text': "papers bye okay you know in Nevada it's easy peasy\xa0\nto get a divorce and so they saw his behavior then"}, {'start': '1989.200', 'end': '1996.400', 'text': 'they saw my behavior as far as I was in therapy i\xa0\nwas doing the work for our marriage i was trying'}, {'start': '1996.400', 'end': '2004.400', 'text': "to save our marriage i was doing all the things\xa0\nit's just what it's just I'm okay like I'm okay i"}, {'start': '2004.400', 'end': '2009.680', 'text': "was not out of integrity with myself i'm okay with\xa0\nwhat I did and I don't care and that's why the"}, {'start': '2009.680', 'end': '2014.320', 'text': 'petty videos I made are still sitting out there\xa0\nand every once in a while I repost them because'}, {'start': '2014.320', 'end': '2020.960', 'text': "they're good so um I can edit this out but I'm\xa0\njust curious have you been able to be at a point"}, {'start': '2020.960', 'end': '2025.920', 'text': 'where you could be if your kids have grandkids or\xa0\nlike have events that you guys can be in the same'}, {'start': '2025.920', 'end': '2032.960', 'text': "room i would probably I wouldn't be okay at this\xa0\npoint yet it's two and a half years out and I'm"}, {'start': '2032.960', 'end': '2040.000', 'text': "still probably wouldn't be okay oh this has only\xa0\nbeen two and a half years you've accomplished a a"}, {'start': '2040.000', 'end': '2049.280', 'text': "lot in two and a half years you and he's already\xa0\nremarried okay that like that makes sense where"}, {'start': '2049.280', 'end': '2055.600', 'text': 'you\'re like "No I would not be okay." Like it\'s\xa0\nI was sort of thinking how you were saying it'}, {'start': '2055.600', 'end': '2062.480', 'text': "um that it had been like several years or almost\xa0\na decade but that's still very very fresh it's"}, {'start': '2062.480', 'end': '2066.960', 'text': "so fresh and my kids like they're not in serious\xa0\nrelationships where they're going to get married"}, {'start': '2066.960', 'end': '2074.480', 'text': "anytime soon so it's fine i don't have to deal\xa0\nwith it um and I don't know I maybe there might"}, {'start': '2074.480', 'end': '2080.640', 'text': "be something I love my kids they're so gentle\xa0\nwith me they've really given me grace on stuff"}, {'start': '2080.640', 'end': '2087.360', 'text': 'and so if there was something where their dad\xa0\nwas invited as well I would probably they would'}, {'start': '2087.360', 'end': '2090.640', 'text': 'probably tell me and then say like "You don\'t\xa0\nhave to come if you don\'t want sort of thing."'}, {'start': '2090.640', 'end': '2095.440', 'text': "I think I'd be okay with their dad there i\xa0\nwouldn't be okay with both of them there you"}, {'start': '2095.440', 'end': '2100.960', 'text': "know so that would be that would be harder i don't\xa0\nknow how I would react let me tell you there's a"}, {'start': '2100.960', 'end': '2107.840', 'text': "rage that I've never felt in my life until I\xa0\nfound out about them and I understood how women"}, {'start': '2107.840', 'end': '2116.960', 'text': "snap and so that's I want people to understand\xa0\nthat it's normal but we don't go to jail for them"}, {'start': '2116.960', 'end': '2125.040', 'text': "so I mean that's why we got to do the work like\xa0\ngo to a rage room but do not go to jail you know I"}, {'start': '2125.040', 'end': '2130.480', 'text': "mean Carrie Underwood sang about you know beating\xa0\nhis car with a baseball bat you know and that's"}, {'start': '2130.480', 'end': '2138.240', 'text': 'the thing is that that is the way you you feel\xa0\nso violated and lied to and but two and a half'}, {'start': '2138.240', 'end': '2146.720', 'text': "years like your blow up your 2.0 Oh holy cow i I'm\xa0\njust like baffled that you have accomplished this"}, {'start': '2146.720', 'end': '2154.960', 'text': "much that's amazing well let Okay so that's\xa0\nto show you how much you are held down when"}, {'start': '2154.960', 'end': '2160.880', 'text': "you're with somebody who's you know abusing you\xa0\nbecause I had these dreams already inside of me"}, {'start': '2160.880', 'end': '2167.200', 'text': "to help women like I had a table at church with\xa0\na women's group i had an event business where"}, {'start': '2167.200', 'end': '2172.880', 'text': "I created events for women stuff like that\xa0\nbut um you know I wasn't really encouraged"}, {'start': '2172.880', 'end': '2176.880', 'text': 'um to do those things and anytime I would be\xa0\ndreaming about like oh I want to be on a stage'}, {'start': '2176.880', 'end': '2182.960', 'text': "and talking to women and encouraging them about\xa0\ntheir worth and their value and he'd be like no"}, {'start': '2182.960', 'end': '2187.760', 'text': "that's embarrassing you shouldn't do that and so\xa0\nI would never do it like it wasn't that one time"}, {'start': '2187.760', 'end': '2192.240', 'text': "that he would say that he would they say that all\xa0\nthe time constantly that everything you're doing"}, {'start': '2192.240', 'end': '2198.640', 'text': "is embarrassing and everything you're considering\xa0\noh he used to hate me being on social media like"}, {'start': '2198.640', 'end': '2205.200', 'text': "I would just whatever I'd post on social media I'd\xa0\nmake videos or whatever he would be so embarrassed"}, {'start': '2205.200', 'end': '2209.920', 'text': "and he'd tell me how embarrassing I was and so\xa0\nnow I just love that I'm on social media and"}, {'start': '2209.920', 'end': '2220.000', 'text': 'I see his friends on TikTok they\'re watching\xa0\nme i\'m like "Hi let me make you a new video."'}, {'start': '2220.000', 'end': '2231.840', 'text': "I love it god well and seriously though like\xa0\nit's it's cool to I also think that this is"}, {'start': '2231.840', 'end': '2243.280', 'text': "a reminder that it doesn't matter the length of\xa0\na relationship like when you are cheated on yeah"}, {'start': '2243.280', 'end': '2250.720', 'text': 'it hurts regardless you know like Yes regardless\xa0\nand that this is the thing is some people figure'}, {'start': '2250.720', 'end': '2256.720', 'text': "it out you know figured it out way sooner than I\xa0\ndid um but it doesn't matter when you've devoted"}, {'start': '2256.720', 'end': '2262.640', 'text': "your life to someone right you say I'm we are we\xa0\nare going to be monogamous and this is going to be"}, {'start': '2262.640', 'end': '2268.880', 'text': "our life and then you find out that they've been\xa0\nunfaithful or even if it was an emotional affair"}, {'start': '2268.880', 'end': '2274.960', 'text': "or you just find out lies that that's just\xa0\nterrible that's just like if you're breaking"}, {'start': '2274.960', 'end': '2283.200', 'text': 'that trust and that to me like it spun me out of\xa0\ncontrol like I felt like my head was spinning when'}, {'start': '2283.200', 'end': '2289.040', 'text': "I found out about all the lies like I've unraveled\xa0\nso many lies and it really broke my heart because"}, {'start': '2289.040', 'end': '2294.480', 'text': 'I\'m like "Oh I thought I thought we were having\xa0\na certain relationship." But I really felt also'}, {'start': '2294.480', 'end': '2301.120', 'text': "I felt really stupid and ashamed that I didn't see\xa0\nit but that's very common i found out and that's"}, {'start': '2301.120', 'end': '2307.520', 'text': "why I talk about it i talk about what's common i\xa0\ntalk about what's normal what's typical what you"}, {'start': '2307.520', 'end': '2316.400', 'text': "might expect so the rage I have had more people\xa0\nI had I did a video on it and I've had so many"}, {'start': '2316.400', 'end': '2321.200', 'text': 'people tell me they felt the same way i had I did\xa0\nhave a couple people say they did go to jail you'}, {'start': '2321.200', 'end': '2327.200', 'text': "know it's don't go to jail for these people you\xa0\nknow it's not worth it um but that's why I talk"}, {'start': '2327.200', 'end': '2332.000', 'text': "about it so that we know what's normal and what's\xa0\nnot normal because nobody was talking about it"}, {'start': '2332.000', 'end': '2338.240', 'text': 'when I got divorced i\'m like "Hello can what do I\xa0\ndo now?" You know like I\'m not okay with him being'}, {'start': '2338.240', 'end': '2343.280', 'text': "with this woman because you guys don't understand\xa0\nshe's been the bane of my existence for seven"}, {'start': '2343.280', 'end': '2350.800', 'text': "years and she wasn't the only one and that's what\xa0\npeople didn't understand he's been lying forever"}, {'start': '2350.800', 'end': '2359.360', 'text': "i am not okay with that like it's I just wasn't\xa0\nokay with it yeah well and when you said that"}, {'start': '2359.360', 'end': '2366.480', 'text': "you started to unravel all the things um I'm sure\xa0\nthat that it just adds to everything so have you"}, {'start': '2366.480', 'end': '2372.160', 'text': "been able to like um trust in me in a relationship\xa0\nsense or is that still a thing that you're working"}, {'start': '2372.160', 'end': '2378.880', 'text': "through um so I've gone on a couple dates but what\xa0\nI've noticed is I think I'm just going to hang out"}, {'start': '2378.880', 'end': '2386.080', 'text': "with me for a little while and I have a lot of\xa0\npeace and I'm not dying to be in a relationship"}, {'start': '2386.080', 'end': '2393.600', 'text': "so I'm okay and so at some point I might want to\xa0\nbe in a relationship but I have a lot of peace"}, {'start': '2393.600', 'end': '2401.440', 'text': "right now and I have a lot of good friends i do\xa0\nlots of things on my own and I'm okay with that"}, {'start': '2401.440', 'end': '2405.440', 'text': 'so is that different than when you were married\xa0\ndid you do stuff by yourself when you were'}, {'start': '2405.440', 'end': '2413.200', 'text': "married um uh not really no I did I would do stuff\xa0\nwith friends but no not by myself i wouldn't go"}, {'start': '2413.200', 'end': '2419.280', 'text': 'anywhere by myself really um because he would some\xa0\neven if he was at work he would somehow make it'}, {'start': '2419.280', 'end': '2424.480', 'text': "about I can't believe you went out by yourself you\xa0\ndidn't wait for me i'm like well you're at work"}, {'start': '2424.480', 'end': '2430.480', 'text': 'well you could have waited till I got home well no\xa0\nbecause we got to do this at night and so you know'}, {'start': '2430.480', 'end': '2436.720', 'text': "every single thing when you're in a narcissistic\xa0\nyou know abusive relationship everything is an"}, {'start': '2436.720', 'end': '2443.520', 'text': "issue and even things that you don't think are an\xa0\nissue become an issue and so now with the freedom"}, {'start': '2443.520', 'end': '2450.400', 'text': "I have I'm just enjoying that right now i'm just\xa0\nenjoying the freedom and the reason that they get"}, {'start': '2450.400', 'end': '2454.480', 'text': "into another relationship right away is so that\xa0\nthey don't have to deal with the shame because"}, {'start': '2454.480', 'end': '2458.880', 'text': "it's a shame based disorder they're not going\xa0\nto look at themselves they're not sitting around"}, {'start': '2458.880', 'end': '2464.880', 'text': 'going "I should go to therapy to figure out why\xa0\nmy 33y year marriage fell apart." No they\'re not'}, {'start': '2464.880', 'end': '2472.560', 'text': 'doing that they\'re like "Next." You know what I\xa0\nmean and it\'s just a way to they need their supply'}, {'start': '2472.560', 'end': '2479.280', 'text': 'they need that person in their life to make them\xa0\nlook good and that they can sort of get a charge'}, {'start': '2479.280', 'end': '2484.960', 'text': "from like a battery so that's why he was with\xa0\nsomebody immediately and this is not a typical"}, {'start': '2484.960', 'end': '2491.120', 'text': "this is what they do they will have someone before\xa0\nor immediately after it's and it's not a surprise"}, {'start': '2491.120', 'end': '2498.640', 'text': "he was married they were married u within a year\xa0\nit's not a surprise interesting um to wrap things"}, {'start': '2498.640', 'end': '2503.600', 'text': "up with can we touch a little bit more on how you\xa0\nsaid that you felt that shame and that you didn't"}, {'start': '2503.600', 'end': '2509.760', 'text': "know and that embarrassment can you like give\xa0\nadvice to someone who's might might be feeling"}, {'start': '2509.760', 'end': '2520.720', 'text': "that right now yeah well just know that it's\xa0\nnormal and you didn't know what you didn't know so"}, {'start': '2520.720', 'end': '2529.520', 'text': "you were manipulated and lied to and so now that\xa0\nyou see what is going on or you're unraveling the"}, {'start': '2529.520', 'end': '2535.680', 'text': 'lies I know that your body wants to protect you\xa0\nand say like "Oh my gosh we\'re so ashamed we feel'}, {'start': '2535.680', 'end': '2544.560', 'text': 'so dumb." It\'s just know it\'s normal but you are\xa0\nnot you\'re not unworthy you\'re not unlovable this'}, {'start': '2544.560', 'end': '2551.600', 'text': 'is a normal feeling because our mind it will\xa0\nput us into survival mode to take care of us'}, {'start': '2551.600', 'end': '2557.840', 'text': "cuz we're in a trauma so these are the feelings\xa0\nwe're going to have and um it's okay and we just"}, {'start': '2557.840', 'end': '2564.080', 'text': "we didn't know what we didn't know so I always um\xa0\nI had a lot of good friends tell me hey hey you"}, {'start': '2564.080', 'end': '2570.320', 'text': "did not know you were lied to so this is not your\xa0\nfault so I had to keep talking myself and that's"}, {'start': '2570.320', 'end': '2576.480', 'text': "part of the journaling I did no I didn't know he\xa0\nlied to me you know I had to like tell myself that"}, {'start': '2576.480', 'end': '2582.240', 'text': "and then you you'll come out of it you just have\xa0\nto feed yourself with the truth and do you feel"}, {'start': '2582.240', 'end': '2589.040', 'text': 'like that embarrassment is more like the people\xa0\naround you like people know that the divorce is'}, {'start': '2589.040', 'end': '2596.160', 'text': 'ending or like what where does that come from i\xa0\nI think I was embarrassed of the when I started'}, {'start': '2596.160', 'end': '2603.680', 'text': 'seeing like okay that he was with the girlfriend\xa0\nright away i started unraveling lies and as I was'}, {'start': '2603.680', 'end': '2609.200', 'text': "realizing them I'm like oh I'm so embarrassed like\xa0\nhow did I not see he was lying to me how did I not"}, {'start': '2609.200', 'end': '2615.760', 'text': 'know that he would end up with her um things like\xa0\nthat things that I felt were Yeah so that were'}, {'start': '2615.760', 'end': '2622.960', 'text': 'obvious and that people well may have been obvious\xa0\nand so then when he was with somebody right away'}, {'start': '2622.960', 'end': '2628.560', 'text': "I was like so embarrassed i'm like I didn't\xa0\ndo anything to stop that it's not our job to"}, {'start': '2628.560', 'end': '2636.320', 'text': 'stop it just so you know but as a firstborn child\xa0\nand as a woman we are you know we got to fix our'}, {'start': '2636.320', 'end': '2642.320', 'text': "marriage we got to save our man that's what we're\xa0\ntaught and we're taught wrong and so it's not our"}, {'start': '2642.320', 'end': '2649.840', 'text': "job to you know save our marriage it's just not\xa0\nour job to stop them from having an affair things"}, {'start': '2649.840', 'end': '2655.520', 'text': "like that that's not our job we do the best we can\xa0\nand it's their responsibility they're adults it's"}, {'start': '2655.520', 'end': '2664.080', 'text': 'their responsibility um he chose what he wanted\xa0\nto choose so I tell us um where people can listen'}, {'start': '2664.080', 'end': '2669.920', 'text': "to your podcast sure it's called That's Where I'm\xa0\nat podcast everywhere you listen to podcasts and"}, {'start': '2669.920', 'end': '2674.560', 'text': "I'm all over all the socials come look at all\xa0\nmy videos i'm always making videos every day"}, {'start': '2675.600', 'end': '2680.960', 'text': 'well for all of you that made it to the end\xa0\nof the episode remember to continue to put'}, {'start': '2680.960', 'end': '2691.200', 'text': "on your shoes do your best and believe in\xa0\nthe impossible i'll see you next Sunday"}]