The Fluidity of Awakening: The Rhythm of Remembering and Forgetting
Nataraj Bhajan Kutir
[{'start': '2.240', 'end': '3.760', 'text': 'Can I share something, please?'}, {'start': '3.760', 'end': '6.480', 'text': 'Yeah.\nMhm.'}, {'start': '6.480', 'end': '11.720', 'text': 'Um, I guess I was just reflecting on, you know,'}, {'start': '11.720', 'end': '18.280', 'text': "there's ways of describing or conceiving of\xa0\nthe journey as it unfolds—like the expansion"}, {'start': '18.280', 'end': '23.440', 'text': 'and contraction—but I was thinking about\xa0\nthis whole way of thinking about it as'}, {'start': '23.440', 'end': '28.840', 'text': 'remembering and forgetting. You know, like\xa0\nforgetting, remember, remember, forget.'}, {'start': '28.840', 'end': '34.840', 'text': "I was just reflecting on my past week, and\xa0\nI'm just thinking of, like, last weekend I was"}, {'start': '34.840', 'end': '41.800', 'text': 'very—call it expanded or very blissful, joyful,\xa0\npresent, connected. You know, Friday, Saturday,'}, {'start': '41.800', 'end': '48.720', 'text': 'Sunday. Then by Tuesday and Wednesday, I was,\xa0\nlike, in deep terror and absolute despair. And'}, {'start': '48.720', 'end': '53.440', 'text': "then today I'm, like, back in, you know...\n[Music]"}, {'start': '53.440', 'end': '59.160', 'text': "Today. Today is Friday. I'm back in, like, joy and\xa0\npresence and connection. And I was just... I just"}, {'start': '59.160', 'end': '65.400', 'text': "was thinking about how insane that is. It's, like,\xa0\nactually kind of insane when I think about it."}, {'start': '65.400', 'end': '71.760', 'text': 'Because on Wednesday, for example, it was so\xa0\ndeep that the thoughts of, like, "Oh my gosh,'}, {'start': '71.760', 'end': '76.560', 'text': 'what have I done wrong?" you know, coming\xa0\nback again. "Am I going to be able to find'}, {'start': '76.560', 'end': '83.600', 'text': 'my way back?" You know, it\'s almost as if\xa0\ntoday, Wednesday doesn\'t exist. On Wednesday,'}, {'start': '83.600', 'end': '88.000', 'text': "Sunday didn't exist. You know, it's like\xa0\na total forgetting in both situations."}, {'start': '88.000', 'end': '92.520', 'text': "Both when connected, there's a forgetting of\xa0\nwhat it's like to be not connected. But when not"}, {'start': '92.520', 'end': '96.840', 'text': "connected, there's a total forgetting of what it's\xa0\nlike to be connected—and an assumption that it"}, {'start': '96.840', 'end': '103.240', 'text': "will always be like this forever. You know, it's\xa0\nlike there's an eternity aspect to each state."}, {'start': '104.080', 'end': '109.480', 'text': 'And even in that state, when I search in my\xa0\nmemory for what... like, there is no memory'}, {'start': '109.480', 'end': '114.720', 'text': 'really of what it was like. Like, now there\xa0\nis no memory of what it was like on Wednesday,'}, {'start': '114.720', 'end': '119.560', 'text': 'really. And on Wednesday, there was no\xa0\nmemory of what it was like on Sunday.'}, {'start': '119.560', 'end': '126.760', 'text': "It's really just sort of like: remember,\xa0\nforget, awake, asleep, remember, forget."}, {'start': '126.760', 'end': '130.720', 'text': 'Yeah, I was just... I guess I was just thinking\xa0\nabout how literally in chronological time,'}, {'start': '130.720', 'end': '137.600', 'text': "it's just a week. Not even a week. It's Sunday\xa0\nto Friday that's passed. And how many—you know,"}, {'start': '137.600', 'end': '146.040', 'text': 'if you want to call it frequency, vibration—have\xa0\npassed through this being in five days, you know,'}, {'start': '146.040', 'end': '149.840', 'text': 'through no action of my own.\xa0\nJust as a part of the process.'}, {'start': '150.640', 'end': '161.960', 'text': 'And how kind of insane it\xa0\nfeels to think back on that.'}, {'start': '161.960', 'end': '165.200', 'text': 'Yes. Well...'}, {'start': '165.200', 'end': '169.400', 'text': 'Insane.\nWho can'}, {'start': '169.400', 'end': '184.680', 'text': 'see insanity? Only sanity can see insanity.\nWhen insanity views sanity, it calls it insane.'}, {'start': '184.680', 'end': '188.680', 'text': 'Anyway, okay. This is... this is just part of it,'}, {'start': '188.680', 'end': '201.800', 'text': "isn't it? I mean, raise your hand if\xa0\nyou haven't experienced the yo-yo."}, {'start': '201.800', 'end': '207.240', 'text': "It's funny, you know. It's like this.\n[Music]"}, {'start': '209.920', 'end': '216.600', 'text': "There's a release, you know, like a coil is...\n[Music]"}, {'start': '216.600', 'end': '222.440', 'text': 'Sprung. I think you and I, Andrew, were\xa0\ntalking about this the other day. Like,'}, {'start': '222.440', 'end': '227.840', 'text': "a coil is sprung, and it's\xa0\ngoing to go violently up and..."}, {'start': '227.840', 'end': '233.680', 'text': '[Music]\nDown. Like, you know, like this.'}, {'start': '233.680', 'end': '247.360', 'text': 'And then it just moves into, like, a... like this.'}, {'start': '247.360', 'end': '254.240', 'text': "And here's how it feels. From the bliss, the\xa0\nsuffering seems insane and so distant. And,"}, {'start': '254.240', 'end': '263.760', 'text': '"How did I ever... how did that\xa0\never seem real?" Surely I was crazy.'}, {'start': '263.760', 'end': '275.360', 'text': 'And from the trauma, the bliss seems insane.\xa0\n"I must have been delusional. What a fool."'}, {'start': '275.360', 'end': '299.640', 'text': 'For me, myself, when I was experiencing\xa0\nthis, I called it the whiplash. In order to'}, {'start': '300.800', 'end': '309.320', 'text': 'speak of it, there is a remembering—a\xa0\nreference point of this, then that.'}, {'start': '309.320', 'end': '310.800', 'text': 'And now.'}, {'start': '310.800', 'end': '322.000', 'text': "Now at last you can pay attention to what's\xa0\nreally happening, which is... it's fluid."}, {'start': '322.000', 'end': '332.720', 'text': "The 'you' changes like the weather.\nA cloud rolls in. A storm runs in."}, {'start': '332.720', 'end': '336.520', 'text': 'Rolls in. A bright and sunny...'}, {'start': '336.520', 'end': '348.160', 'text': '[Music]\nDay.'}, {'start': '348.160', 'end': '355.800', 'text': "And it's funny, isn't it? Even though our\xa0\nentire life experience is this contrast,"}, {'start': '355.800', 'end': '364.240', 'text': 'we still somehow think that when it\'s sunny,\xa0\nit\'s, "Oh, thank God. I\'m done with cloudiness."'}, {'start': '364.240', 'end': '371.720', 'text': 'Right? When the bliss comes, "Thank\xa0\nGod. I\'m done with suffering."'}, {'start': '371.720', 'end': '377.120', 'text': 'It can be like a premature celebration. And then\xa0\nwe\'re so offended when it comes back. "What did'}, {'start': '377.120', 'end': '389.240', 'text': "I do wrong? I must have done something wrong.\xa0\nI've forsaken it. I've erred somehow. Or sinned"}, {'start': '389.240', 'end': '392.720', 'text': 'in some way."\nH. Right?'}, {'start': '392.720', 'end': '401.600', 'text': '"I didn\'t... I didn\'t handle\xa0\nit so preciously," isn\'t it?'}, {'start': '401.600', 'end': '407.960', 'text': "Yeah. There's something to handling it. Holding it"}, {'start': '407.960', 'end': '417.400', 'text': 'lightly with great reverence.\xa0\nSomething really precious.'}, {'start': '417.400', 'end': '421.680', 'text': 'Like, um, one of my favorites\xa0\nis... you hold it like water.'}, {'start': '421.680', 'end': '433.360', 'text': "You can't grip it too tightly, 'cause...\nAnd you can't... you can't forget."}]