EX TESTIGO DE JEHOVÁ: Me Alejé de Todos por Amor… y Perdí Hasta a Mi Madre | Testimonio Cristiano
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[{'start': '0.000', 'end': '0.966', 'text': 'My name is Samuel'}, {'start': '1.366', 'end': '2.933', 'text': 'and I was born into a community'}, {'start': '3.066', 'end': '4.966', 'text': 'where fear is disguised as love'}, {'start': '5.200', 'end': '7.200', 'text': 'and obedience is confused with faith.'}, {'start': '7.766', 'end': '9.300', 'text': 'Ever since I can remember,'}, {'start': '9.700', 'end': '12.200', 'text': 'everything in my life revolved around one thing:'}, {'start': '12.733', 'end': '14.566', 'text': "being a good Jehovah's Witness. There"}, {'start': '14.933', 'end': '16.466', 'text': 'was no room for doubt'}, {'start': '16.666', 'end': '18.300', 'text': 'or space for questioning.'}, {'start': '18.900', 'end': '20.933', 'text': 'What we were taught was not debatable, it'}, {'start': '21.400', 'end': '25.600', 'text': 'was the absolute, untouchable truth. As a child,'}, {'start': '26.066', 'end': '29.600', 'text': "I didn't understand what it was like to live in a bubble. For me,"}, {'start': '30.066', 'end': '31.900', 'text': 'that was the only world that existed. We'}, {'start': '32.400', 'end': '35.100', 'text': "didn't celebrate birthdays, Christmas,"}, {'start': '35.533', 'end': '37.866', 'text': 'or any other type of party that could make us'}, {'start': '38.166', 'end': '39.400', 'text': 'look like the world around us.'}, {'start': '39.933', 'end': '41.166', 'text': 'I simply accepted it.'}, {'start': '41.766', 'end': '42.566', 'text': 'When'}, {'start': '42.600', 'end': '45.000', 'text': 'my classmates at school talked about the gifts from the Three Wise Men,'}, {'start': '45.933', 'end': '48.466', 'text': 'I had to write something else in my school letter,'}, {'start': '48.900', 'end': '50.966', 'text': "something that wouldn't make me stand out too much"}, {'start': '51.333', 'end': '53.933', 'text': "but that wouldn't make me lie blatantly either."}, {'start': '54.566', 'end': '55.700', 'text': 'Because lying, of course,'}, {'start': '56.166', 'end': '57.200', 'text': 'was also wrong,'}, {'start': '57.600', 'end': '58.566', 'text': 'although sometimes lying'}, {'start': '58.700', 'end': '61.066', 'text': 'became the only way to survive. I'}, {'start': '61.666', 'end': '63.700', 'text': 'remember once when I was 6 years old,'}, {'start': '64.366', 'end': '67.566', 'text': 'during the school carnival, the teacher offered me'}, {'start': '67.600', 'end': '70.066', 'text': 'a bag to dress up in with the other children.'}, {'start': '70.700', 'end': '72.133', 'text': "I told her that I couldn't,"}, {'start': '72.600', 'end': '75.933', 'text': 'she just nodded and let me.  On one side'}, {'start': '76.533', 'end': '78.666', 'text': 'while everyone happily went out to the patio'}, {'start': '78.966', 'end': '79.933', 'text': 'I stayed behind it'}, {'start': '80.566', 'end': '83.066', 'text': "was the first time I felt that something didn't fit that"}, {'start': '83.533', 'end': '84.566', 'text': "I didn't fit in"}, {'start': '85.200', 'end': '89.366', 'text': "but I couldn't say anything I shouldn't say anything at home"}, {'start': '89.933', 'end': '90.933', 'text': 'every time I asked'}, {'start': '91.100', 'end': '93.100', 'text': "why we couldn't celebrate certain things they"}, {'start': '93.766', 'end': '95.700', 'text': 'answered me with biblical texts they'}, {'start': '96.200', 'end': '97.000', 'text': 'explained to me'}, {'start': '97.100', 'end': '98.800', 'text': 'that all birthdays in the Bible'}, {'start': '98.933', 'end': '100.000', 'text': 'ended in death'}, {'start': '100.500', 'end': '103.166', 'text': "and that those celebrations didn't please Jehovah"}, {'start': '103.566', 'end': '105.366', 'text': "that we weren't like the rest"}, {'start': '105.866', 'end': '108.700', 'text': 'that we should stay clean from the world'}, {'start': '109.300', 'end': '110.333', 'text': "that's how I grew up"}, {'start': '110.800', 'end': '113.466', 'text': 'believing that everything outside that bubble'}, {'start': '113.866', 'end': '114.666', 'text': 'was dangerous'}, {'start': '115.133', 'end': '117.266', 'text': "that anyone who wasn't a witness"}, {'start': '117.700', 'end': '119.166', 'text': 'was spiritually dead they'}, {'start': '119.866', 'end': '122.400', 'text': 'taught us that Armageddon was near'}, {'start': '122.733', 'end': '125.100', 'text': 'and that only those who obeyed the organization would'}, {'start': '125.333', 'end': '126.266', 'text': 'survive'}, {'start': '126.766', 'end': '127.866', 'text': 'we lived in fear'}, {'start': '128.466', 'end': '129.666', 'text': 'afraid of doing something wrong afraid afraid'}, {'start': '130.200', 'end': '132.466', 'text': 'that Jehovah would stop loving us'}, {'start': '132.933', 'end': '135.000', 'text': 'afraid of disappointing our parents'}, {'start': '135.766', 'end': '137.100', 'text': 'fear always fear'}, {'start': '137.666', 'end': '139.966', 'text': 'wrapped in prayers and empty smiles'}, {'start': '140.600', 'end': '141.400', 'text': 'at age 10'}, {'start': '141.900', 'end': '143.100', 'text': 'I saw for the first time how'}, {'start': '143.166', 'end': '145.166', 'text': 'someone was expelled from the congregation it'}, {'start': '145.733', 'end': '147.566', 'text': 'was a woman we all knew'}, {'start': '148.133', 'end': '151.366', 'text': 'she played with me when I was little but one day she'}, {'start': '151.933', 'end': '153.900', 'text': 'simply ceased to exist she'}, {'start': '154.300', 'end': '156.700', 'text': 'sat alone in the back of the Kingdom Hall'}, {'start': '157.100', 'end': '158.166', 'text': 'with my head down'}, {'start': '158.533', 'end': '160.466', 'text': 'without anyone speaking to her'}, {'start': '161.000', 'end': '163.100', 'text': 'my parents explained to me that she had'}, {'start': '163.366', 'end': '164.500', 'text': 'committed a sin'}, {'start': '165.100', 'end': '166.333', 'text': 'but they never told me which one they'}, {'start': '166.900', 'end': '169.066', 'text': 'only told me that we could no longer speak to her'}, {'start': '169.500', 'end': '170.766', 'text': 'or even greet her it'}, {'start': '171.166', 'end': '172.400', 'text': 'broke my heart'}, {'start': '172.733', 'end': '174.333', 'text': 'but it also taught me what happened'}, {'start': '174.400', 'end': '176.100', 'text': 'if one broke the rules that'}, {'start': '176.766', 'end': '179.400', 'text': 'was my first contact with the invisible punishment'}, {'start': '179.800', 'end': '180.766', 'text': 'with social death'}, {'start': '181.400', 'end': '182.866', 'text': 'and although I was just a child'}, {'start': '183.300', 'end': '185.200', 'text': 'I understood that it was not enough to obey you'}, {'start': '185.700', 'end': '187.000', 'text': 'had to prove it you had to'}, {'start': '187.500', 'end': '189.300', 'text': 'suffer to be accepted'}, {'start': '189.866', 'end': '191.566', 'text': 'and that was when my double life began'}, {'start': '192.100', 'end': '194.366', 'text': 'adolescence was the stage in which the'}, {'start': '194.500', 'end': '195.600', 'text': 'invisible wall that separated me'}, {'start': '195.766', 'end': '197.366', 'text': 'from the world grew taller'}, {'start': '198.000', 'end': '200.933', 'text': 'while my classmates began to go out and explore'}, {'start': '201.266', 'end': '202.066', 'text': 'life'}, {'start': '202.166', 'end': '204.866', 'text': 'I was learning to perfect the art of lying'}, {'start': '205.466', 'end': '208.500', 'text': 'at 15 I was already living with a double identity'}, {'start': '208.800', 'end': '210.100', 'text': 'I was the exemplary son'}, {'start': '210.200', 'end': '212.766', 'text': 'at home the promising young man in the congregation'}, {'start': '213.200', 'end': '214.000', 'text': 'and at the same time'}, {'start': '214.500', 'end': '216.933', 'text': 'the boy who ran away to drink in secret'}, {'start': '217.166', 'end': '219.100', 'text': 'or go out with friends secretly'}, {'start': '219.700', 'end': '220.500', 'text': 'always feeling guilty'}, {'start': '221.100', 'end': '222.766', 'text': 'always afraid of being discovered'}, {'start': '223.333', 'end': '225.300', 'text': 'at that age I was baptized'}, {'start': '225.566', 'end': '227.933', 'text': 'not because I fully understood what it meant'}, {'start': '228.600', 'end': '230.600', 'text': 'but because the pressure was constant what are you'}, {'start': '231.200', 'end': '233.000', 'text': 'waiting for they told me you are'}, {'start': '233.666', 'end': '236.000', 'text': 'old enough to dedicate your  life to Jehovah I did'}, {'start': '236.366', 'end': '238.100', 'text': "n't want to disappoint my parents I did"}, {'start': '238.600', 'end': '241.900', 'text': "n't want to be alone so I got baptized"}, {'start': '242.366', 'end': '243.966', 'text': 'knowing that from that moment on'}, {'start': '244.700', 'end': '247.000', 'text': 'any mistake could cost me expulsion'}, {'start': '247.666', 'end': '250.766', 'text': 'any misstep could mean losing everything I'}, {'start': '251.300', 'end': '253.066', 'text': 'started preaching at age 6'}, {'start': '253.600', 'end': '254.766', 'text': 'accompanying my parents'}, {'start': '255.200', 'end': '258.000', 'text': 'they made me distribute tracts to older people I'}, {'start': '258.766', 'end': '260.866', 'text': 'smiled I spoke with confidence I'}, {'start': '261.533', 'end': '262.733', 'text': 'was good at it'}, {'start': '263.066', 'end': '265.600', 'text': 'my father was a reference within the congregation'}, {'start': '265.933', 'end': '268.133', 'text': 'and that put more weight on my shoulders'}, {'start': '268.700', 'end': '270.966', 'text': 'you have to be like him they repeated to me'}, {'start': '271.500', 'end': '272.333', 'text': 'you have potential'}, {'start': '272.900', 'end': '273.933', 'text': 'I listened to that'}, {'start': '274.366', 'end': '275.566', 'text': 'and felt that I had to'}, {'start': '275.666', 'end': '277.333', 'text': "become someone I wasn't"}, {'start': '278.000', 'end': '278.800', 'text': 'in school'}, {'start': '279.100', 'end': '281.300', 'text': 'the difference between my classmates and me'}, {'start': '281.466', 'end': '283.166', 'text': 'became more and more evident'}, {'start': '283.733', 'end': '286.466', 'text': 'they talked about parties trips relationships'}, {'start': '287.133', 'end': '289.400', 'text': 'and I could only respond evasively'}, {'start': '289.933', 'end': '292.466', 'text': 'I was ashamed to admit that at that age I'}, {'start': '293.000', 'end': '294.700', 'text': 'had never kissed anyone'}, {'start': '295.133', 'end': '296.666', 'text': 'that I never celebrated anything'}, {'start': '296.966', 'end': '299.066', 'text': "said I couldn't attend certain events"}, {'start': '299.200', 'end': '300.866', 'text': 'because of Witness meetings'}, {'start': '301.400', 'end': '302.866', 'text': 'to cover my absences I'}, {'start': '303.300', 'end': '304.366', 'text': 'made up stories'}, {'start': '305.066', 'end': '306.700', 'text': 'said I had other commitments'}, {'start': '307.200', 'end': '310.500', 'text': 'that I was going to see the stars with a telescope I lied'}, {'start': '310.666', 'end': '313.100', 'text': 'so much that I ended up believing my own lies they'}, {'start': '313.766', 'end': '316.733', 'text': 'never taught me how to live  just to obey'}, {'start': '317.366', 'end': '319.533', 'text': 'every decision had to go through the filter'}, {'start': '319.666', 'end': '320.466', 'text': 'of the organization'}, {'start': '321.066', 'end': '322.100', 'text': 'the clothes I wore'}, {'start': '322.666', 'end': '323.800', 'text': 'the words I said'}, {'start': '324.333', 'end': '325.400', 'text': 'the friends I had'}, {'start': '325.900', 'end': '328.866', 'text': 'everything but everything was observed judged corrected'}, {'start': '329.400', 'end': '330.700', 'text': 'even my way of thinking'}, {'start': '331.366', 'end': '333.366', 'text': "because within Jehovah's Witnesses"}, {'start': '333.766', 'end': '336.900', 'text': 'doubting is synonymous with betrayal and questioning'}, {'start': '337.400', 'end': '340.566', 'text': 'is the first step towards hell I remember that'}, {'start': '341.066', 'end': '341.900', 'text': 'during a meeting'}, {'start': '342.533', 'end': '344.733', 'text': 'they talked about a young man who had been expelled'}, {'start': '344.866', 'end': '346.200', 'text': 'for leading a double life'}, {'start': '346.733', 'end': '347.933', 'text': 'the speech was brutal they'}, {'start': '348.500', 'end': '350.333', 'text': 'used his example as a warning'}, {'start': '350.900', 'end': '352.400', 'text': 'I was sitting there'}, {'start': '352.900', 'end': '354.400', 'text': 'with bated breath I'}, {'start': '355.000', 'end': '358.066', 'text': "knew they were talking about me too even if they didn't say it"}, {'start': '358.533', 'end': '359.133', 'text': 'every word'}, {'start': '359.133', 'end': '361.866', 'text': 'was a reminder that I was playing with fire'}, {'start': '362.266', 'end': '364.333', 'text': "but still I couldn't stop I"}, {'start': '364.966', 'end': '366.166', 'text': 'felt trapped I'}, {'start': '366.600', 'end': '368.333', 'text': 'lived to meet expectations so as'}, {'start': '368.733', 'end': '371.733', 'text': 'not to disappoint so as not to lose the love of my family'}, {'start': '372.500', 'end': '374.300', 'text': 'but inside I was dying'}, {'start': '374.866', 'end': '377.000', 'text': 'every step I took outside the congregation'}, {'start': '377.200', 'end': '379.100', 'text': 'brought me closer to a version of myself'}, {'start': '379.366', 'end': '380.600', 'text': 'that I was beginning to love'}, {'start': '381.166', 'end': '383.900', 'text': 'a real human free version'}, {'start': '384.533', 'end': '385.333', 'text': 'and yet'}, {'start': '385.700', 'end': '387.566', 'text': 'every night when I came home'}, {'start': '387.933', 'end': '389.700', 'text': 'I looked in the mirror with disgust'}, {'start': '390.100', 'end': '392.600', 'text': "you know what you're doing Samuel I wondered"}, {'start': '393.166', 'end': '395.400', 'text': 'how much longer you will be able to sustain this lie'}, {'start': '396.066', 'end': '396.933', 'text': 'the answer came'}, {'start': '397.566', 'end': '399.266', 'text': 'much sooner than I imagined'}, {'start': '399.866', 'end': '401.800', 'text': 'the first time I became fully aware'}, {'start': '401.933', 'end': '404.166', 'text': 'of the power of control I had  the congregation'}, {'start': '404.533', 'end': '407.066', 'text': 'was when I witnessed the disfellowshipping of a woman I'}, {'start': '407.266', 'end': '409.300', 'text': 'had known my whole life'}, {'start': '410.000', 'end': '412.200', 'text': 'I was only 10 or 11 years old'}, {'start': '412.966', 'end': '414.666', 'text': 'she was part of our community'}, {'start': '415.366', 'end': '417.966', 'text': 'someone I had played with laughed with'}, {'start': '418.400', 'end': '421.366', 'text': 'shared so many meetings but one day she'}, {'start': '421.900', 'end': '423.100', 'text': 'just disappeared we did'}, {'start': '423.666', 'end': '425.766', 'text': "n't know exactly what she had done"}, {'start': '426.266', 'end': '427.333', 'text': 'nobody said anything they'}, {'start': '427.900', 'end': '430.700', 'text': 'just told us that she had committed a sin'}, {'start': '431.333', 'end': '432.366', 'text': 'from that moment on'}, {'start': '433.066', 'end': '434.933', 'text': 'my family started crossing the street'}, {'start': '435.066', 'end': '436.000', 'text': 'whenever they saw her coming we'}, {'start': '436.533', 'end': '439.700', 'text': "couldn't greet her or even look in her direction it"}, {'start': '440.366', 'end': '442.500', 'text': 'was as if her existence no longer counted'}, {'start': '443.000', 'end': '445.066', 'text': 'she continued attending meetings'}, {'start': '445.600', 'end': '447.300', 'text': 'always sitting in the back row head'}, {'start': '447.666', 'end': '450.800', 'text': 'down with a sadness that permeated the air'}, {'start': '451.466', 'end': '453.666', 'text': 'that image was etched in my soul I'}, {'start': '454.133', 'end': '456.400', 'text': "didn't understand why someone I knew who had been"}, {'start': '456.800', 'end': '458.566', 'text': 'part of my childhood'}, {'start': '459.200', 'end': '461.466', 'text': 'was now treated as if she were invisible'}, {'start': '461.966', 'end': '463.800', 'text': "as if she didn't deserve even a glance it"}, {'start': '464.466', 'end': '466.600', 'text': 'was then that I realized that within'}, {'start': '466.666', 'end': '467.866', 'text': "Jehovah's Witnesses"}, {'start': '468.266', 'end': '469.600', 'text': 'love is conditional'}, {'start': '470.200', 'end': '472.533', 'text': 'that if you stray even a little they turn'}, {'start': '472.900', 'end': '475.800', 'text': 'you off they silence you they erase you I'}, {'start': '476.333', 'end': '477.466', 'text': 'grew up seeing that'}, {'start': '477.966', 'end': '480.533', 'text': 'and every story like that reinforced my fear'}, {'start': '480.933', 'end': '483.700', 'text': 'fear of failing fear of being myself'}, {'start': '484.166', 'end': '486.700', 'text': 'fear of having  a misplaced thought'}, {'start': '487.333', 'end': '488.466', 'text': 'because any thought'}, {'start': '488.666', 'end': '492.500', 'text': 'could be interpreted as a sign of doubt and'}, {'start': '493.100', 'end': '495.600', 'text': 'doubting was the first step towards damnation.'}, {'start': '496.333', 'end': '497.400', 'text': 'During my teenage years'}, {'start': '497.733', 'end': '499.933', 'text': 'I saw several acquaintances being expelled,'}, {'start': '500.566', 'end': '501.500', 'text': 'some for smoking,'}, {'start': '502.066', 'end': '504.500', 'text': 'others for having sex before marriage,'}, {'start': '505.100', 'end': '507.766', 'text': "others simply for questioning something they shouldn't have."}, {'start': '508.400', 'end': '510.500', 'text': 'Many of them never returned,'}, {'start': '511.133', 'end': '513.333', 'text': 'others came back crestfallen'}, {'start': '513.900', 'end': '514.700', 'text': 'after months,'}, {'start': '515.133', 'end': '517.900', 'text': 'sometimes years of silent penance,'}, {'start': '518.500', 'end': '520.466', 'text': 'trying to prove their repentance. It'}, {'start': '521.166', 'end': '522.566', 'text': 'was a humiliating process. You'}, {'start': '523.366', 'end': '526.166', 'text': 'had to attend meetings without greeting anyone, no'}, {'start': '526.866', 'end': '527.700', 'text': 'one spoke to you, no'}, {'start': '528.266', 'end': '529.100', 'text': 'one looked at you.'}, {'start': '529.766', 'end': '530.866', 'text': 'Only when the elders'}, {'start': '531.000', 'end': '533.166', 'text': 'decided that you had suffered enough did they'}, {'start': '533.766', 'end': '535.200', 'text': 'return your favor.'}, {'start': '535.900', 'end': '537.700', 'text': 'Can you imagine what that means?'}, {'start': '538.133', 'end': '539.533', 'text': 'That the value of your existence'}, {'start': '539.666', 'end': '541.200', 'text': 'is in the hands of a group of men,'}, {'start': '541.733', 'end': '543.200', 'text': 'that your connection to your family,'}, {'start': '543.800', 'end': '545.366', 'text': 'your friends, your faith'}, {'start': '546.000', 'end': '548.466', 'text': 'depends on whether they believe you are'}, {'start': '548.566', 'end': '550.400', 'text': "repentant enough. It's a system"}, {'start': '550.533', 'end': '552.566', 'text': 'where suffering becomes currency'}, {'start': '553.133', 'end': '554.566', 'text': 'and the more pain you show,'}, {'start': '554.900', 'end': '557.100', 'text': 'the closer you are to being accepted again.'}, {'start': '557.600', 'end': '559.533', 'text': 'That was the environment I lived in,'}, {'start': '559.933', 'end': '561.733', 'text': 'a kind of emotional prison'}, {'start': '562.000', 'end': '565.200', 'text': "where the punishment wasn't physical but"}, {'start': '565.766', 'end': '569.166', 'text': 'the silence, the isolation, the loss of love hurt much more.'}, {'start': '569.666', 'end': '571.600', 'text': 'Even so, I continued to comply'}, {'start': '572.200', 'end': '574.666', 'text': 'in their eyes.  I was an exemplary young man to everyone I'}, {'start': '575.166', 'end': '576.766', 'text': 'dressed as they wanted I'}, {'start': '577.200', 'end': '578.700', 'text': 'spoke as they expected'}, {'start': '579.266', 'end': '580.566', 'text': 'I acted with obedience'}, {'start': '581.166', 'end': '581.966', 'text': 'but inside'}, {'start': '582.500', 'end': '584.000', 'text': 'inside I was breaking down I'}, {'start': '584.600', 'end': '585.900', 'text': 'began to notice that'}, {'start': '586.166', 'end': '587.966', 'text': 'every time the elders spoke to me'}, {'start': '588.400', 'end': '589.733', 'text': 'my body reacted'}, {'start': '590.266', 'end': '591.066', 'text': 'palpitations cold'}, {'start': '591.500', 'end': '593.100', 'text': 'sweat anxiety it'}, {'start': '593.733', 'end': '595.666', 'text': 'was as if something inside me already knew'}, {'start': '595.766', 'end': '596.966', 'text': 'that this was not right'}, {'start': '597.533', 'end': '599.100', 'text': 'that this was not the life I wanted'}, {'start': '599.700', 'end': '600.500', 'text': 'but the fear'}, {'start': '600.900', 'end': '603.300', 'text': 'was stronger than any thought of freedom'}, {'start': '603.933', 'end': '605.766', 'text': 'I had dreams that I never spoke of'}, {'start': '606.500', 'end': '608.533', 'text': 'desires that I hid even from myself'}, {'start': '609.000', 'end': '610.700', 'text': 'because I knew that if I shared them'}, {'start': '611.100', 'end': '612.966', 'text': 'even with the person I loved the most'}, {'start': '613.533', 'end': '615.066', 'text': 'it could mean the end there'}, {'start': '615.733', 'end': '618.466', 'text': 'was no room for vulnerability in that system'}, {'start': '619.066', 'end': '620.066', 'text': 'only'}, {'start': '620.566', 'end': '622.466', 'text': 'blind obedience total absolute'}, {'start': '623.000', 'end': '625.000', 'text': 'but a seed had already been planted'}, {'start': '625.466', 'end': '626.700', 'text': 'the seed of doubt'}, {'start': '626.933', 'end': '629.200', 'text': 'and even though I tried to drown it with faith'}, {'start': '629.533', 'end': '630.333', 'text': 'with meetings'}, {'start': '630.700', 'end': '631.566', 'text': 'with preaching'}, {'start': '632.266', 'end': '633.866', 'text': 'that seed began to grow'}, {'start': '634.366', 'end': '636.600', 'text': 'my adolescence was a stage of masks'}, {'start': '637.100', 'end': '637.933', 'text': 'and silences'}, {'start': '638.500', 'end': '640.800', 'text': 'I had learned to speak the correct language'}, {'start': '640.900', 'end': '641.966', 'text': 'within the congregation'}, {'start': '642.366', 'end': '644.966', 'text': 'to show the right smile to say'}, {'start': '645.333', 'end': '648.133', 'text': 'Jehovah first even though inside I was broken'}, {'start': '648.733', 'end': '651.000', 'text': 'because inside me a storm was brewing'}, {'start': '651.466', 'end': '653.166', 'text': 'I wanted to go out with my classmates'}, {'start': '653.766', 'end': '654.866', 'text': 'try new things'}, {'start': '655.400', 'end': '657.933', 'text': 'live a youth like the one I saw in school'}, {'start': '658.533', 'end': '659.333', 'text': "but I couldn't"}, {'start': '659.933', 'end': '660.933', 'text': 'because everything'}, {'start': '661.100', 'end': '663.600', 'text': 'outside the world of witnesses was sin'}, {'start': '664.133', 'end': '665.266', 'text': 'but everything I desired'}, {'start': '665.700', 'end': '666.966', 'text': 'was cause for punishment'}, {'start': '667.566', 'end': '669.533', 'text': 'the first time I was invited to a party I'}, {'start': '669.933', 'end': '670.800', 'text': 'was 15 I'}, {'start': '671.333', 'end': '673.666', 'text': 'told my parents I was going to see the stars'}, {'start': '673.733', 'end': '674.533', 'text': 'with a friend'}, {'start': '674.766', 'end': '678.966', 'text': "an excuse I had used before and I went I didn't drink much"}, {'start': '679.533', 'end': '681.533', 'text': "just a little I didn't do anything serious"}, {'start': '682.266', 'end': '683.600', 'text': 'but that night I felt guilty a'}, {'start': '684.133', 'end': '686.166', 'text': 'guilt like a punch in my stomach'}, {'start': '686.733', 'end': '688.133', 'text': 'not because I had done anything wrong'}, {'start': '688.266', 'end': '690.600', 'text': 'but because I had been taught that it was wrong to feel'}, {'start': '690.800', 'end': '692.866', 'text': 'pleasure outside the control of the organization I'}, {'start': '693.566', 'end': '696.266', 'text': 'went home with that feeling of having betrayed'}, {'start': '696.366', 'end': '699.000', 'text': 'God although deep down all I had done'}, {'start': '699.100', 'end': '700.133', 'text': 'was feel free'}, {'start': '700.266', 'end': '701.066', 'text': 'for a couple of hours'}, {'start': '701.500', 'end': '704.133', 'text': 'and that was the dynamic that was repeated for years a'}, {'start': '704.666', 'end': '707.466', 'text': 'double life lies excuses'}, {'start': '708.200', 'end': '710.300', 'text': 'on the outside I was the ideal young man'}, {'start': '710.766', 'end': '712.100', 'text': 'I participated in the meetings'}, {'start': '712.400', 'end': '714.866', 'text': 'I preached on Saturdays I read the Bible'}, {'start': '715.133', 'end': '716.400', 'text': 'I listened without question'}, {'start': '717.000', 'end': '719.400', 'text': 'but inside I was distancing myself further'}, {'start': '719.766', 'end': '722.666', 'text': 'and this distancing made me feel even dirtier'}, {'start': '723.000', 'end': '724.933', 'text': 'more unworthy more broken I'}, {'start': '725.533', 'end': '726.800', 'text': "couldn't talk to anyone not"}, {'start': '727.466', 'end': '729.366', 'text': 'even my closest friends'}, {'start': '729.766', 'end': '731.600', 'text': 'because they were all witnesses also'}, {'start': '732.133', 'end': '734.100', 'text': "how was I going to tell them that I wasn't sure"}, {'start': '734.700', 'end': '736.766', 'text': 'that there were nights when I cried in silence'}, {'start': '736.933', 'end': '739.266', 'text': 'because I felt that  I was living a lie I knew I'}, {'start': '739.333', 'end': '740.400', 'text': 'felt like something'}, {'start': '740.466', 'end': '742.266', 'text': 'was very wrong with everything around me'}, {'start': '742.500', 'end': '745.800', 'text': "but I couldn't name it my family they"}, {'start': '745.900', 'end': '748.500', 'text': 'were the perfect model of what a home'}, {'start': '748.600', 'end': '749.533', 'text': 'within the organization should be'}, {'start': '750.333', 'end': '753.066', 'text': 'my father was a role model respected by all'}, {'start': '753.600', 'end': '757.333', 'text': 'my mother a woman of unwavering faith my brothers'}, {'start': '757.766', 'end': '760.566', 'text': 'obedient dedicated fulfilling'}, {'start': '761.166', 'end': '764.600', 'text': 'I was the youngest the spoiled brat as some said'}, {'start': '765.133', 'end': '767.400', 'text': 'and that only increased the pressure on me I was'}, {'start': '767.700', 'end': '769.600', 'text': 'expected to be the best of all'}, {'start': '770.066', 'end': '772.766', 'text': 'to carry on the legacy and I tried I'}, {'start': '773.400', 'end': '774.600', 'text': 'really tried'}, {'start': '775.000', 'end': '776.700', 'text': 'I got baptized at 15'}, {'start': '776.966', 'end': '778.500', 'text': 'convinced that it was the right thing to do'}, {'start': '779.000', 'end': '780.566', 'text': "or at least that's what I kept telling myself"}, {'start': '781.066', 'end': '781.866', 'text': 'because in reality I'}, {'start': '782.333', 'end': '783.366', 'text': 'did it out of fear'}, {'start': '783.766', 'end': '784.933', 'text': 'fear of disappointing'}, {'start': '785.333', 'end': '786.666', 'text': 'fear of being alone'}, {'start': '786.966', 'end': '790.100', 'text': 'fear that my family would look at me with shame because'}, {'start': '790.533', 'end': '793.500', 'text': 'in our community getting baptized is not an option it'}, {'start': '793.933', 'end': '796.100', 'text': "'s an obligation disguised as a decision"}, {'start': '796.533', 'end': '797.400', 'text': 'but over time I'}, {'start': '797.733', 'end': '799.966', 'text': "began to notice that my doubts weren't unique"}, {'start': '800.466', 'end': '802.366', 'text': 'other young people had them too'}, {'start': '803.000', 'end': '803.966', 'text': 'but no one spoke no'}, {'start': '804.533', 'end': '805.700', 'text': 'one dared'}, {'start': '806.166', 'end': '808.400', 'text': 'we were like shadows walking in silence'}, {'start': '808.766', 'end': '810.966', 'text': 'pretending a faith that we no longer felt'}, {'start': '811.566', 'end': '813.333', 'text': "but from which we couldn't escape"}, {'start': '813.900', 'end': '815.533', 'text': 'I thought I could  hold on'}, {'start': '815.933', 'end': '818.366', 'text': 'that I could live that double life without breaking'}, {'start': '818.800', 'end': '819.600', 'text': "but it wasn't like that"}, {'start': '820.133', 'end': '820.966', 'text': 'because the soul'}, {'start': '821.466', 'end': '824.466', 'text': 'the soul does not lie and mine was already screaming'}, {'start': '825.100', 'end': '826.733', 'text': 'there was something that they never taught me'}, {'start': '827.266', 'end': '828.866', 'text': 'how to listen to my intuition they'}, {'start': '829.400', 'end': '832.200', 'text': 'taught me to obey to submit to'}, {'start': '832.600', 'end': '835.800', 'text': "fear but not to question that's why"}, {'start': '836.333', 'end': '838.566', 'text': 'when my body started sending me signals'}, {'start': '839.300', 'end': '842.166', 'text': 'those inexplicable nausea before each meeting'}, {'start': '842.866', 'end': '844.400', 'text': 'that anxiety that made my'}, {'start': '844.500', 'end': '846.400', 'text': 'heart race as a speech approached that'}, {'start': '846.900', 'end': '849.566', 'text': 'emptiness that left me breathless in the early mornings'}, {'start': '850.166', 'end': '851.900', 'text': "I didn't know how to interpret them I"}, {'start': '852.333', 'end': '854.600', 'text': 'only knew that something inside me was breaking'}, {'start': '855.133', 'end': '856.600', 'text': "and that I couldn't talk to anyone"}, {'start': '857.266', 'end': '858.400', 'text': 'at 17 I'}, {'start': '859.000', 'end': '861.600', 'text': 'began to study online sales techniques'}, {'start': '862.066', 'end': '863.900', 'text': 'not out of ambition but out of curiosity'}, {'start': '864.500', 'end': '867.133', 'text': 'I liked to understand how the human mind worked'}, {'start': '867.600', 'end': '869.733', 'text': 'and that was where the first real tremor occurred'}, {'start': '869.866', 'end': '872.000', 'text': 'in the foundations of everything I believed'}, {'start': '872.600', 'end': '874.600', 'text': 'because in those books about persuasion'}, {'start': '875.133', 'end': '876.766', 'text': 'about manipulating emotions'}, {'start': '877.333', 'end': '880.566', 'text': 'about controlling speech I found exactly'}, {'start': '880.700', 'end': '883.466', 'text': 'the same strategies that we used when we preached the'}, {'start': '884.000', 'end': '886.333', 'text': 'same things a part of me wanted to'}, {'start': '886.400', 'end': '888.066', 'text': 'convince myself that it was a coincidence'}, {'start': '888.600', 'end': '890.400', 'text': 'that there was nothing wrong with it I knew'}, {'start': '890.533', 'end': '892.933', 'text': 'that all groups use communication techniques'}, {'start': '893.566', 'end': '894.500', 'text': 'but another part'}, {'start': '894.966', 'end': '897.200', 'text': 'a part that was  buried deep inside she'}, {'start': '897.600', 'end': '898.666', 'text': 'screamed loudly'}, {'start': '899.266', 'end': '900.100', 'text': 'this is not right'}, {'start': '900.733', 'end': '902.666', 'text': 'even so I kept acting I'}, {'start': '903.166', 'end': '904.933', 'text': 'kept attending meetings'}, {'start': '905.200', 'end': '907.466', 'text': 'fulfilling my role preparing speeches I'}, {'start': '908.100', 'end': '908.933', 'text': 'was like an actor'}, {'start': '909.000', 'end': '911.066', 'text': "trapped in a script I hadn't chosen"}, {'start': '911.566', 'end': '914.333', 'text': 'but I no longer did it with faith I did it out of fear fear of'}, {'start': '914.933', 'end': '916.066', 'text': 'disappointing fear'}, {'start': '916.533', 'end': '917.600', 'text': 'of rejection'}, {'start': '918.100', 'end': '919.333', 'text': 'fear of being alone'}, {'start': '919.800', 'end': '922.200', 'text': 'because that is what hurts the most when you live inside'}, {'start': '922.600', 'end': '924.333', 'text': 'knowing that if you fall into disgrace'}, {'start': '924.766', 'end': '925.966', 'text': 'no one will pick you up'}, {'start': '926.600', 'end': '928.600', 'text': 'and then marriage came'}, {'start': '929.200', 'end': '930.766', 'text': 'I met a young witness'}, {'start': '931.100', 'end': '933.366', 'text': 'raised like me obedient like me we'}, {'start': '933.866', 'end': '936.133', 'text': 'fell in love or so we thought we got'}, {'start': '936.700', 'end': '938.600', 'text': 'married after a year and a half'}, {'start': '938.966', 'end': '940.400', 'text': 'as the times dictated it'}, {'start': '941.100', 'end': '944.300', 'text': 'was a pure marriage as demanded by the organization'}, {'start': '945.000', 'end': '947.933', 'text': 'without physical contact without prior intimacy'}, {'start': '948.366', 'end': '951.566', 'text': 'two strangers joining their lives in the name of Jehovah'}, {'start': '951.966', 'end': '953.766', 'text': 'without having lived love in freedom'}, {'start': '954.266', 'end': '955.900', 'text': 'the wedding day was beautiful'}, {'start': '956.600', 'end': '958.500', 'text': 'smiles hugs blessings'}, {'start': '959.366', 'end': '960.466', 'text': 'but inside me there'}, {'start': '960.966', 'end': '962.100', 'text': 'was no emotion'}, {'start': '962.533', 'end': '963.400', 'text': 'only confusion'}, {'start': '963.900', 'end': '965.800', 'text': 'I wondered if all of this was real'}, {'start': '966.366', 'end': '968.766', 'text': 'if I was really getting married for love or out of duty'}, {'start': '969.166', 'end': '971.866', 'text': 'if this was my life or a borrowed life'}, {'start': '972.200', 'end': '975.366', 'text': "and shortly after we were married I couldn't keep quiet any longer"}, {'start': '975.766', 'end': '976.566', 'text': 'one night'}, {'start': '976.866', 'end': '979.100', 'text': 'sitting in the living room of our small apartment  I'}, {'start': '979.700', 'end': '981.800', 'text': 'confessed to my wife that I had doubts,'}, {'start': '982.366', 'end': '984.266', 'text': 'that there were things that no longer made sense to me,'}, {'start': '984.800', 'end': '986.733', 'text': "that I didn't know if I could continue pretending. I"}, {'start': '987.333', 'end': '990.133', 'text': 'thought she was going to hate me, that she was going to leave me,'}, {'start': '990.733', 'end': '993.200', 'text': 'but what I found in her eyes was even harder,'}, {'start': '993.766', 'end': '996.166', 'text': 'disappointment, pain, fear.'}, {'start': '996.933', 'end': '998.700', 'text': 'That conversation changed everything, everything,'}, {'start': '998.766', 'end': '1001.400', 'text': 'because in that moment I understood that if I wanted to be free, I'}, {'start': '1001.766', 'end': '1003.400', 'text': 'was going to have to lose everything.'}, {'start': '1004.000', 'end': '1005.866', 'text': 'After that conversation with my wife,'}, {'start': '1006.500', 'end': '1008.100', 'text': 'something broke in our relationship. We'}, {'start': '1008.900', 'end': '1010.300', 'text': 'continued living together, we'}, {'start': '1010.766', 'end': '1012.400', 'text': 'continued praying before sleeping, we'}, {'start': '1013.066', 'end': '1014.766', 'text': 'continued attending meetings,'}, {'start': '1015.333', 'end': '1017.066', 'text': 'but there was a shadow between us.'}, {'start': '1017.733', 'end': '1019.600', 'text': 'I could no longer pretend at all'}, {'start': '1019.900', 'end': '1022.200', 'text': 'and she could no longer trust me at all.'}, {'start': '1022.600', 'end': '1026.000', 'text': "And although we didn't say it out loud, we both knew"}, {'start': '1026.566', 'end': '1028.266', 'text': 'something essential had broken.'}, {'start': '1028.933', 'end': '1029.866', 'text': 'We tried to continue, we'}, {'start': '1030.400', 'end': '1031.866', 'text': 'clung to the duty, to'}, {'start': '1032.133', 'end': '1034.500', 'text': 'forever, that we were taught since we were children,'}, {'start': '1034.933', 'end': '1037.266', 'text': 'but I was no longer the same and that'}, {'start': '1037.866', 'end': '1039.666', 'text': 'was the hardest thing to accept'}, {'start': '1040.366', 'end': '1042.533', 'text': "because I didn't leave the faith overnight. It was"}, {'start': '1042.966', 'end': '1044.900', 'text': "n't a sudden rebellion, it"}, {'start': '1045.366', 'end': '1047.566', 'text': 'was a slow, silent drip'}, {'start': '1048.000', 'end': '1050.666', 'text': 'that emptied me inside without me realizing it. I'}, {'start': '1051.300', 'end': '1054.866', 'text': 'began to spend more time alone, reading, writing,'}, {'start': '1055.366', 'end': '1057.733', 'text': 'watching documentaries about other ex-members.  I'}, {'start': '1058.333', 'end': '1059.600', 'text': "discovered that I wasn't alone,"}, {'start': '1060.133', 'end': '1061.533', 'text': 'that there were others like me,'}, {'start': '1061.800', 'end': '1064.200', 'text': "that I wasn't the only one who had felt trapped,"}, {'start': '1064.566', 'end': '1066.166', 'text': 'confused, manipulated,'}, {'start': '1066.733', 'end': '1069.266', 'text': 'that there was a whole world outside that bubble,'}, {'start': '1069.733', 'end': '1072.066', 'text': "a world that wasn't Satan's as I was told,"}, {'start': '1072.666', 'end': '1076.266', 'text': 'a world where there was also goodness, beauty, compassion,'}, {'start': '1076.933', 'end': '1079.333', 'text': 'but as I opened myself up to that discovery,'}, {'start': '1079.800', 'end': '1082.000', 'text': 'my wife clung more to the organization,'}, {'start': '1082.733', 'end': '1086.066', 'text': 'the further I distanced myself, the closer she wanted to be.'}, {'start': '1086.600', 'end': '1088.866', 'text': 'Not out of malice, not out of fanaticism,'}, {'start': '1089.366', 'end': '1090.166', 'text': 'but out of fear,'}, {'start': '1090.700', 'end': '1091.966', 'text': 'because when someone you love'}, {'start': '1092.266', 'end': '1093.100', 'text': 'begins to change,'}, {'start': '1093.366', 'end': '1095.800', 'text': 'the terror of losing them disguises itself as control. There'}, {'start': '1096.333', 'end': '1098.200', 'text': 'were arguments, crying,'}, {'start': '1098.733', 'end': '1100.200', 'text': 'eternal silences at the table.'}, {'start': '1100.733', 'end': '1103.266', 'text': 'I wanted to talk to her about everything I was learning,'}, {'start': '1103.666', 'end': '1106.100', 'text': 'about the cracks I had found in the system'}, {'start': '1106.700', 'end': '1109.133', 'text': 'of feelings that were eating me up inside,'}, {'start': '1109.566', 'end': '1112.300', 'text': 'but every time I tried, we clashed.'}, {'start': '1112.766', 'end': '1114.300', 'text': "She wasn't ready to listen,"}, {'start': '1114.900', 'end': '1117.300', 'text': "and I couldn't keep quiet anymore."}, {'start': '1117.966', 'end': '1120.566', 'text': 'So I made a decision that broke me in two. I'}, {'start': '1120.966', 'end': '1124.000', 'text': 'separated, I left the apartment with a backpack'}, {'start': '1124.333', 'end': '1126.200', 'text': 'and my heart in tatters, I'}, {'start': '1126.733', 'end': '1127.933', 'text': 'had nowhere to go, I'}, {'start': '1128.266', 'end': '1130.266', 'text': 'had no friends outside of the organization, I'}, {'start': '1130.900', 'end': '1131.733', 'text': 'had no family, I'}, {'start': '1132.466', 'end': '1133.733', 'text': 'only had my thoughts'}, {'start': '1134.466', 'end': '1137.400', 'text': 'and a sea of \u200b\u200bdoubts that soaked me to the bone,'}, {'start': '1137.966', 'end': '1139.133', 'text': "for days on end, I didn't eat for"}, {'start': '1139.666', 'end': '1140.966', 'text': "nights on end.  I didn't sleep I"}, {'start': '1141.366', 'end': '1143.366', 'text': 'wondered if I had done the right thing'}, {'start': '1143.700', 'end': '1145.466', 'text': 'if I had betrayed love'}, {'start': '1145.766', 'end': '1147.366', 'text': 'if I was ruining my life'}, {'start': '1147.866', 'end': '1150.566', 'text': 'but deep down I knew there was no other way'}, {'start': '1151.133', 'end': '1154.066', 'text': 'because staying would have been like dying a slow death'}, {'start': '1154.700', 'end': '1158.400', 'text': 'and for the first time in a long time I wanted to live'}, {'start': '1159.066', 'end': '1161.266', 'text': 'my first day away from home it was an abyss I'}, {'start': '1161.600', 'end': '1163.866', 'text': 'walked aimlessly through the streets of my city'}, {'start': '1164.100', 'end': '1167.200', 'text': 'with a suitcase in tow and my soul in pieces that'}, {'start': '1167.866', 'end': '1169.533', 'text': 'Samuel that everyone knew'}, {'start': '1169.966', 'end': '1170.800', 'text': 'no longer existed'}, {'start': '1171.333', 'end': '1172.400', 'text': 'it was as if I had been'}, {'start': '1172.533', 'end': '1174.766', 'text': 'uprooted from the earth where I grew up'}, {'start': '1175.133', 'end': '1177.400', 'text': 'and left floating in the void I'}, {'start': '1177.933', 'end': '1178.966', 'text': 'had no identity I had no'}, {'start': '1179.533', 'end': '1181.766', 'text': 'direction I had no home I'}, {'start': '1182.400', 'end': '1184.366', 'text': 'slept in a cheap hostel that night'}, {'start': '1184.800', 'end': '1186.700', 'text': 'I remember staring at the ceiling for hours'}, {'start': '1187.200', 'end': '1188.900', 'text': 'with my eyes open in the dark'}, {'start': '1189.566', 'end': '1191.566', 'text': 'wondering what would come next I'}, {'start': '1192.133', 'end': '1193.300', 'text': 'felt no freedom I'}, {'start': '1193.900', 'end': '1195.000', 'text': 'felt vertigo'}, {'start': '1195.566', 'end': '1198.866', 'text': 'I felt an existential cold that chilled me to the bone I'}, {'start': '1199.333', 'end': '1201.966', 'text': "had promised myself that I wouldn't lie again"}, {'start': '1202.466', 'end': '1204.166', 'text': "that he wouldn't betray me again"}, {'start': '1204.700', 'end': '1206.266', 'text': "but that didn't make it any easier"}, {'start': '1206.900', 'end': '1207.700', 'text': 'the next day I'}, {'start': '1208.266', 'end': '1210.933', 'text': 'went out for a walk again looking for a job'}, {'start': '1211.466', 'end': '1212.300', 'text': 'but I also looked for'}, {'start': '1212.400', 'end': '1214.200', 'text': 'signs that I had done the right thing'}, {'start': '1214.766', 'end': '1219.200', 'text': 'I watched people on the street couples children old people'}, {'start': '1219.866', 'end': '1220.666', 'text': 'and I wondered do'}, {'start': '1221.300', 'end': '1224.000', 'text': 'they also carry a story like this  everyone has'}, {'start': '1224.133', 'end': '1226.466', 'text': 'also had to leave everything behind to find'}, {'start': '1226.533', 'end': '1227.333', 'text': 'themselves I'}, {'start': '1227.866', 'end': '1230.500', 'text': 'found a small room to rent on the outskirts it'}, {'start': '1230.966', 'end': '1234.666', 'text': 'was dark damp it barely fit the bed and a desk'}, {'start': '1235.300', 'end': '1238.500', 'text': 'but it was mine my first space free of doctrine'}, {'start': '1238.800', 'end': '1240.366', 'text': 'free of judging eyes'}, {'start': '1240.766', 'end': '1242.200', 'text': 'free of eternal promises'}, {'start': '1242.766', 'end': '1243.866', 'text': 'I cried that night'}, {'start': '1244.333', 'end': '1245.800', 'text': 'I cried for what I had lost'}, {'start': '1246.400', 'end': '1248.333', 'text': 'but also for what I had never had'}, {'start': '1249.066', 'end': '1250.733', 'text': 'the chance to be myself'}, {'start': '1251.500', 'end': '1253.800', 'text': 'the following days were emotional chaos I'}, {'start': '1254.400', 'end': '1255.733', 'text': 'had anxiety attacks'}, {'start': '1256.266', 'end': '1258.166', 'text': 'I would wake up in the early hours with my heart'}, {'start': '1258.333', 'end': '1259.766', 'text': 'beating like a drum'}, {'start': '1260.166', 'end': '1261.600', 'text': 'as if someone was chasing me I'}, {'start': '1262.100', 'end': '1264.466', 'text': 'dreamed of my family of the reunions'}, {'start': '1264.933', 'end': '1266.766', 'text': 'with my mother watching me from afar'}, {'start': '1266.933', 'end': '1267.933', 'text': 'without saying a word I would'}, {'start': '1268.600', 'end': '1270.566', 'text': 'wake up drenched in sweat'}, {'start': '1270.966', 'end': '1273.900', 'text': 'feeling guilty about things that no longer made sense'}, {'start': '1274.533', 'end': '1275.333', 'text': 'and yet there was'}, {'start': '1275.766', 'end': '1277.000', 'text': 'something new in me'}, {'start': '1277.533', 'end': '1280.966', 'text': "a weak but firm voice that said hang in there you go you're"}, {'start': '1281.466', 'end': '1282.800', 'text': 'okay keep going it'}, {'start': '1283.333', 'end': '1287.300', 'text': "wasn't a divine voice or a mystical epiphany it was me"}, {'start': '1287.733', 'end': '1290.300', 'text': 'for the first time it was me talking to myself I'}, {'start': '1290.866', 'end': '1293.400', 'text': 'started working in a cafe as a kitchen help it'}, {'start': '1293.800', 'end': '1297.666', 'text': 'was exhausting poorly paid but it kept me busy'}, {'start': '1298.266', 'end': '1299.133', 'text': 'every time I served'}, {'start': '1299.300', 'end': '1302.666', 'text': 'a coffee or washed a dish I would repeat to myself that I was free'}, {'start': '1303.200', 'end': '1304.366', 'text': 'that no one  I forced'}, {'start': '1304.866', 'end': '1307.466', 'text': 'every small gesture to be an act of independence'}, {'start': '1308.166', 'end': '1310.733', 'text': 'little by little that routine held me up'}, {'start': '1311.166', 'end': '1314.166', 'text': 'like a rope thrown to someone who is drowning'}, {'start': '1314.666', 'end': '1316.466', 'text': 'and so step by step I'}, {'start': '1316.866', 'end': '1319.933', 'text': 'began to rebuild myself not from doctrine'}, {'start': '1320.366', 'end': '1321.166', 'text': 'not from guilt'}, {'start': '1321.800', 'end': '1322.933', 'text': 'but from silence'}, {'start': '1323.566', 'end': '1324.866', 'text': 'from accepted pain'}, {'start': '1325.400', 'end': '1326.500', 'text': 'from my own truth there'}, {'start': '1327.333', 'end': '1329.800', 'text': 'was something that no one told me when I decided to leave'}, {'start': '1330.366', 'end': '1333.900', 'text': "the silence weighs me down and I'm not talking about external silence"}, {'start': '1334.366', 'end': '1336.333', 'text': 'but the one that settles inside you'}, {'start': '1336.700', 'end': '1339.500', 'text': 'like a dull echo that reminds you of what you no longer have'}, {'start': '1340.000', 'end': '1340.866', 'text': 'today for years'}, {'start': '1341.266', 'end': '1343.133', 'text': 'my life had been full of voices'}, {'start': '1343.533', 'end': '1345.566', 'text': 'the voice of the old man giving speeches'}, {'start': '1345.900', 'end': '1348.133', 'text': 'the voice of my mother reciting verses'}, {'start': '1348.666', 'end': '1351.000', 'text': 'the voice of my wife demanding more faith'}, {'start': '1351.400', 'end': '1354.566', 'text': 'even my own repeating what I was taught'}, {'start': '1355.200', 'end': '1356.933', 'text': 'and suddenly nothing'}, {'start': '1357.400', 'end': '1358.500', 'text': 'only my breathing'}, {'start': '1359.066', 'end': '1360.000', 'text': 'and that silence I did'}, {'start': '1360.366', 'end': '1362.900', 'text': "n't know it at first but I was grieving"}, {'start': '1363.300', 'end': '1365.800', 'text': 'not only for my mother who had passed away months ago'}, {'start': '1366.400', 'end': '1367.400', 'text': 'but for my identity'}, {'start': '1368.066', 'end': '1371.066', 'text': 'for the entire life that I had lost in my head'}, {'start': '1371.533', 'end': '1373.900', 'text': 'I still heard the songs from the Kingdom Hall I'}, {'start': '1374.366', 'end': '1376.700', 'text': 'caught myself humming them without wanting to'}, {'start': '1377.133', 'end': '1379.733', 'text': 'as if a part of me was resisting disappearing'}, {'start': '1380.400', 'end': '1382.533', 'text': 'I felt ashamed of myself for that'}, {'start': '1383.000', 'end': '1385.400', 'text': "as if my body didn't know that I was already gone it was"}, {'start': '1385.800', 'end': '1387.700', 'text': 'hard for me  talking to other people i'}, {'start': '1388.400', 'end': '1390.966', 'text': "didn't know how to relate without hiding something"}, {'start': '1391.300', 'end': '1393.300', 'text': 'without having to lie about who I was'}, {'start': '1393.866', 'end': '1395.666', 'text': 'for so long lying'}, {'start': '1395.900', 'end': '1398.533', 'text': 'had been my survival tool that now'}, {'start': '1398.800', 'end': '1399.800', 'text': 'without that mask'}, {'start': '1400.133', 'end': '1401.366', 'text': 'i felt exposed'}, {'start': '1401.900', 'end': '1402.700', 'text': 'as if any'}, {'start': '1402.700', 'end': '1405.166', 'text': 'stranger could see the fracture in my soul'}, {'start': '1405.700', 'end': '1407.166', 'text': 'sometimes i thought about going back'}, {'start': '1407.600', 'end': '1409.466', 'text': 'not because i believed in the doctrine'}, {'start': '1409.966', 'end': '1412.366', 'text': 'but because i missed belonging to something'}, {'start': '1412.733', 'end': '1413.800', 'text': 'even if it was a lie'}, {'start': '1414.500', 'end': '1416.200', 'text': 'but in those moments of weakness i'}, {'start': '1416.566', 'end': '1418.900', 'text': "remembered my mother's face at the funeral"}, {'start': '1419.400', 'end': '1420.966', 'text': 'not the woman who raised me'}, {'start': '1421.366', 'end': '1422.500', 'text': 'but the'}, {'start': '1422.666', 'end': '1424.533', 'text': 'blind believer who hugged me coldly'}, {'start': '1424.866', 'end': '1427.000', 'text': 'while she tearfully begged me'}, {'start': '1427.333', 'end': '1429.133', 'text': 'not to abandon Jehovah that'}, {'start': '1429.600', 'end': '1431.666', 'text': 'was a silent stab'}, {'start': '1432.266', 'end': '1435.200', 'text': 'she already knew I was leaving and still she'}, {'start': '1435.533', 'end': '1437.966', 'text': "couldn't tell me she loved you unconditionally that"}, {'start': '1438.600', 'end': '1441.266', 'text': 'hurt me more than her death weeks went by and'}, {'start': '1441.333', 'end': '1443.966', 'text': 'working at the cafe gave me structure'}, {'start': '1444.266', 'end': '1445.200', 'text': 'but no meaning'}, {'start': '1445.800', 'end': '1447.066', 'text': 'so i started to write'}, {'start': '1447.666', 'end': '1450.600', 'text': 'at first just loose sentences in a cheap notebook'}, {'start': '1451.266', 'end': '1453.366', 'text': "today i didn't cry i'm still alone"}, {'start': '1453.866', 'end': '1455.000', 'text': "my father hasn't called they"}, {'start': '1455.700', 'end': '1457.600', 'text': 'were almost childish notes'}, {'start': '1458.066', 'end': '1460.366', 'text': 'but they kept me connected to myself'}, {'start': '1461.066', 'end': '1463.766', 'text': 'then i started writing letters to them I'}, {'start': '1464.366', 'end': '1465.400', 'text': 'never sent them they'}, {'start': '1465.866', 'end': '1469.733', 'text': 'were letters for my father my brothers my sisters'}, {'start': '1470.300', 'end': '1471.400', 'text': 'for me  ex-wife'}, {'start': '1472.000', 'end': '1474.100', 'text': 'letters where I told them that I still loved them'}, {'start': '1474.400', 'end': '1477.000', 'text': "that I still remembered the birthdays we didn't celebrate"}, {'start': '1477.533', 'end': '1479.100', 'text': 'the hugs that never came'}, {'start': '1479.800', 'end': '1481.466', 'text': 'the conversations that were stolen from us'}, {'start': '1482.066', 'end': '1483.100', 'text': 'one day I wrote'}, {'start': '1483.700', 'end': '1484.966', 'text': 'maybe true faith'}, {'start': '1485.166', 'end': '1487.333', 'text': 'begins when everything else breaks'}, {'start': '1487.866', 'end': '1490.300', 'text': 'and there I understood that I was beginning to believe'}, {'start': '1490.866', 'end': '1492.066', 'text': 'in myself for the first time'}, {'start': '1492.600', 'end': '1495.166', 'text': 'one would think that after losing everything there is'}, {'start': '1495.400', 'end': '1497.000', 'text': 'nothing left to fear'}, {'start': '1497.500', 'end': '1498.300', 'text': 'but it is not like that'}, {'start': '1498.800', 'end': '1500.066', 'text': 'the fear is transformed it'}, {'start': '1500.733', 'end': '1502.666', 'text': 'is no longer the terror of being expelled'}, {'start': '1503.100', 'end': '1504.866', 'text': 'or of disappointing Jehovah it'}, {'start': '1505.266', 'end': '1506.533', 'text': 'is the fear of the emptiness'}, {'start': '1506.866', 'end': '1509.200', 'text': 'of not knowing who you are without all that structure'}, {'start': '1510.100', 'end': '1511.966', 'text': 'for years I was Samuel'}, {'start': '1512.366', 'end': '1516.000', 'text': 'the good son the younger brother the obedient witness'}, {'start': '1516.666', 'end': '1517.800', 'text': 'now I was just a man'}, {'start': '1517.900', 'end': '1520.533', 'text': "walking through streets I didn't know looking for"}, {'start': '1520.666', 'end': '1523.600', 'text': "signs of a future that he still didn't dare to imagine"}, {'start': '1524.100', 'end': '1525.733', 'text': 'I remember one particular morning'}, {'start': '1526.400', 'end': '1527.500', 'text': 'I had slept badly'}, {'start': '1527.800', 'end': '1530.466', 'text': 'with nightmares where my mother looked at me without speaking'}, {'start': '1530.866', 'end': '1532.666', 'text': 'only with eyes full of disappointment'}, {'start': '1533.166', 'end': '1534.533', 'text': 'today I woke up sweating'}, {'start': '1535.000', 'end': '1536.933', 'text': 'with my heart beating in my throat'}, {'start': '1537.333', 'end': '1540.366', 'text': 'I sat on the edge of the bed and said to myself in a low voice you are'}, {'start': '1540.933', 'end': '1541.766', 'text': 'no longer there you'}, {'start': '1542.333', 'end': '1544.366', 'text': 'no longer have to ask permission to exist'}, {'start': '1545.100', 'end': '1546.533', 'text': 'but a part of me was still'}, {'start': '1546.600', 'end': '1548.733', 'text': 'hoping someone would come punish me'}, {'start': '1549.333', 'end': '1552.166', 'text': 'that day I went out  walking along the seafront in Tenerife'}, {'start': '1552.733', 'end': '1555.400', 'text': 'the sky was cloudy and the sea had'}, {'start': '1555.500', 'end': '1558.366', 'text': 'that grey colour that reminded me of winter assembly days'}, {'start': '1558.500', 'end': '1560.800', 'text': 'I sat down on a bench'}, {'start': '1561.066', 'end': '1563.733', 'text': 'and saw an elderly couple holding hands'}, {'start': '1564.266', 'end': '1566.333', 'text': 'she was laughing at something he had said'}, {'start': '1566.800', 'end': '1568.466', 'text': 'and for the first time in a long time'}, {'start': '1569.100', 'end': '1572.900', 'text': 'I felt envious not of her age or even of her love'}, {'start': '1573.466', 'end': '1575.000', 'text': 'I felt envious of her freedom'}, {'start': '1575.600', 'end': '1577.733', 'text': 'of being able to live without invisible chains'}, {'start': '1578.266', 'end': '1581.100', 'text': 'of not having to justify every emotion with a'}, {'start': '1581.300', 'end': '1583.533', 'text': 'biblical quote of not being afraid of being happy'}, {'start': '1584.100', 'end': '1585.766', 'text': 'in that moment I understood I had'}, {'start': '1586.333', 'end': '1588.400', 'text': "n't left an organisation on my own I"}, {'start': '1589.066', 'end': '1591.100', 'text': 'had escaped from a mental prison'}, {'start': '1591.533', 'end': '1594.066', 'text': 'but the body takes time to adapt to freedom you'}, {'start': '1594.600', 'end': '1595.966', 'text': "don't know what to do with it"}, {'start': '1596.500', 'end': '1599.333', 'text': 'you feel like an animal that lived in a cage for years'}, {'start': '1599.600', 'end': '1601.266', 'text': 'and suddenly they open the door'}, {'start': '1601.866', 'end': '1605.466', 'text': 'and now where do you go who teaches you to be free'}, {'start': '1606.133', 'end': '1608.333', 'text': 'little by little I began to create new routines I'}, {'start': '1608.933', 'end': '1610.366', 'text': 'bought a used coffee maker'}, {'start': '1610.566', 'end': '1612.666', 'text': 'and learned how to make my own espresso'}, {'start': '1613.100', 'end': '1615.766', 'text': 'I became friends with the owner of the hostel where I lived'}, {'start': '1616.333', 'end': '1619.300', 'text': 'she had an old dog that limped and his name was Hugo'}, {'start': '1619.766', 'end': '1621.266', 'text': 'sometimes I would take him for a walk'}, {'start': '1621.333', 'end': '1623.133', 'text': 'just to feel like I was taking care of something'}, {'start': '1623.466', 'end': '1625.133', 'text': 'that I had a minimal responsibility for it'}, {'start': '1626.000', 'end': '1629.000', 'text': 'was my way of  to prove to myself that I could still be useful'}, {'start': '1629.500', 'end': '1631.100', 'text': "that I wasn't totally broken"}, {'start': '1631.666', 'end': '1632.466', 'text': 'at night I'}, {'start': '1632.666', 'end': '1635.166', 'text': 'read books that would once have been considered'}, {'start': '1635.600', 'end': '1639.266', 'text': 'apostate I read about philosophy psychology'}, {'start': '1639.933', 'end': '1640.733', 'text': 'spirituality'}, {'start': '1641.166', 'end': '1643.600', 'text': 'not to fill a gap with new doctrines'}, {'start': '1644.200', 'end': '1645.900', 'text': 'but to discover my own voice'}, {'start': '1646.266', 'end': '1647.933', 'text': 'I realized I had never been'}, {'start': '1648.000', 'end': '1649.600', 'text': 'taught to think for myself'}, {'start': '1650.200', 'end': '1651.200', 'text': 'only to obey'}, {'start': '1651.666', 'end': '1653.200', 'text': 'to accept without question to be'}, {'start': '1653.566', 'end': '1655.400', 'text': 'afraid of my own doubts'}, {'start': '1656.266', 'end': '1659.133', 'text': 'now every free thought was a victory'}, {'start': '1659.666', 'end': '1661.333', 'text': 'and in between those small victories I'}, {'start': '1661.733', 'end': '1663.466', 'text': 'began to notice something unexpected I'}, {'start': '1663.866', 'end': '1665.333', 'text': 'no longer cried every day'}, {'start': '1665.933', 'end': '1669.366', 'text': 'the pain was still there but there was room for something else'}, {'start': '1669.900', 'end': '1670.733', 'text': 'for a smile'}, {'start': '1671.200', 'end': '1672.833', 'text': 'for a new calling for a was'}, {'start': '1672.900', 'end': '1674.700', 'text': 'for a future that although uncertain'}, {'start': '1675.166', 'end': '1676.700', 'text': 'belonged only to me it'}, {'start': '1677.166', 'end': '1678.766', 'text': 'was during one of those'}, {'start': '1678.933', 'end': '1681.300', 'text': 'morning walks along the coast that I crossed paths'}, {'start': '1681.400', 'end': '1682.333', 'text': 'with a group of young people'}, {'start': '1682.400', 'end': '1684.200', 'text': 'who were playing live music it'}, {'start': '1684.733', 'end': '1685.866', 'text': 'was nothing professional'}, {'start': '1686.566', 'end': '1687.800', 'text': 'an acoustic guitar'}, {'start': '1688.200', 'end': '1689.400', 'text': 'a flamenco cajón'}, {'start': '1689.700', 'end': '1693.333', 'text': 'and a girl with a velvet voice I sat down on the sidewalk'}, {'start': '1693.733', 'end': '1694.600', 'text': 'not expecting anything I'}, {'start': '1695.166', 'end': '1696.200', 'text': 'just wanted to breathe'}, {'start': '1696.766', 'end': '1699.766', 'text': 'but something about those melodies began to touch parts of me'}, {'start': '1700.133', 'end': '1702.133', 'text': "that I didn't even know were still alive"}, {'start': '1702.766', 'end': '1704.166', 'text': 'when they finished a song'}, {'start': '1704.566', 'end': '1706.533', 'text': 'the girl singing looked up'}, {'start': '1706.733', 'end': '1708.133', 'text': 'looked at us all and said'}, {'start': '1708.600', 'end': '1711.166', 'text': 'sometimes you just have to let go of the pain  like someone throwing'}, {'start': '1711.333', 'end': '1712.200', 'text': 'stones into the river'}, {'start': '1712.566', 'end': '1715.100', 'text': '1 by 1 until the water flows again I do'}, {'start': '1715.566', 'end': '1717.066', 'text': "n't know if he just said it"}, {'start': '1717.366', 'end': '1719.533', 'text': 'but those words stayed with me'}, {'start': '1720.066', 'end': '1721.666', 'text': 'that night in my room I'}, {'start': '1722.466', 'end': '1724.133', 'text': 'wrote for the first time in years'}, {'start': '1724.700', 'end': '1728.333', 'text': 'not a biblical treatise not a reflection for preaching'}, {'start': '1729.000', 'end': '1731.200', 'text': 'I wrote about myself about Samuel'}, {'start': '1731.733', 'end': '1733.700', 'text': "the boy who didn't celebrate birthdays"}, {'start': '1734.166', 'end': '1736.566', 'text': 'the teenager who lied in order to breathe'}, {'start': '1737.166', 'end': '1740.066', 'text': 'the young man who got married without knowing if it was love or refuge I'}, {'start': '1740.600', 'end': '1741.966', 'text': 'cried while I wrote'}, {'start': '1742.466', 'end': '1744.000', 'text': 'not because it hurt to remember'}, {'start': '1744.200', 'end': '1745.000', 'text': 'but because I finally'}, {'start': '1745.066', 'end': '1747.166', 'text': 'felt I had permission to do so'}, {'start': '1747.800', 'end': '1750.500', 'text': 'writing it became my way of emptying my backpack'}, {'start': '1751.166', 'end': '1753.000', 'text': 'each word was one stone less I'}, {'start': '1753.533', 'end': '1754.866', 'text': 'began to fill notebooks'}, {'start': '1755.066', 'end': '1757.333', 'text': 'to write letters that I would never send'}, {'start': '1757.566', 'end': '1759.800', 'text': 'to tell my story without filter or fear'}, {'start': '1760.366', 'end': '1762.733', 'text': 'and in that process I understood something vital there'}, {'start': '1763.300', 'end': '1765.966', 'text': "is no true way out if you don't narrate yourself anew"}, {'start': '1766.300', 'end': '1768.666', 'text': "if you don't rewrite your story from another place"}, {'start': '1769.166', 'end': '1771.400', 'text': "if you don't decide that you and no one else are"}, {'start': '1771.966', 'end': '1773.733', 'text': 'going to be the author of what comes next'}, {'start': '1774.266', 'end': '1776.066', 'text': 'but there were still open wounds'}, {'start': '1776.733', 'end': '1779.300', 'text': 'one day I received an anonymous message on social media it'}, {'start': '1780.000', 'end': '1781.300', 'text': 'was a screenshot'}, {'start': '1781.333', 'end': '1783.866', 'text': 'from one of the leaders of the congregation in my'}, {'start': '1783.933', 'end': '1785.500', 'text': 'hometown he had written'}, {'start': '1786.133', 'end': '1789.733', 'text': 'Samu fell lower than we thought he is lost'}, {'start': '1790.333', 'end': '1792.966', 'text': 'alone  that not a word of compassion'}, {'start': '1793.533', 'end': '1796.866', 'text': 'not an attempt to understand only judgment as always'}, {'start': '1797.533', 'end': '1798.933', 'text': 'that night I felt rage'}, {'start': '1799.300', 'end': '1801.666', 'text': 'not the blind rage that makes you break things'}, {'start': '1802.066', 'end': '1804.766', 'text': 'but the one that burns inside like a long candle'}, {'start': '1805.100', 'end': '1806.333', 'text': "that doesn't go out quickly"}, {'start': '1806.733', 'end': '1807.966', 'text': 'I felt betrayed'}, {'start': '1808.400', 'end': '1809.300', 'text': 'but also free'}, {'start': '1809.900', 'end': '1811.733', 'text': 'because I no longer depended on their approval'}, {'start': '1812.333', 'end': '1813.400', 'text': 'because although it hurt I'}, {'start': '1813.866', 'end': '1816.466', 'text': 'no longer needed them to say that I was a good brother'}, {'start': '1817.000', 'end': '1818.133', 'text': 'I was no longer a brother I'}, {'start': '1818.600', 'end': '1820.533', 'text': 'was a man with mistakes'}, {'start': '1821.000', 'end': '1821.933', 'text': 'with scars'}, {'start': '1822.533', 'end': '1823.533', 'text': 'but also with dreams'}, {'start': '1824.200', 'end': '1827.100', 'text': 'and one of those dreams began to form in silence'}, {'start': '1827.700', 'end': '1829.866', 'text': 'one day I would tell my story'}, {'start': '1830.266', 'end': '1833.133', 'text': 'not to take revenge not to expose anyone'}, {'start': '1833.700', 'end': '1834.600', 'text': 'but to embrace'}, {'start': '1835.133', 'end': '1835.933', 'text': 'with my words'}, {'start': '1836.133', 'end': '1838.333', 'text': 'those who are still trapped in the cage'}, {'start': '1838.566', 'end': '1840.800', 'text': 'those who feel guilty for breathing differently'}, {'start': '1841.366', 'end': '1842.766', 'text': "those who don't know that there is"}, {'start': '1842.866', 'end': '1844.333', 'text': 'another life beyond fear'}, {'start': '1844.766', 'end': '1846.766', 'text': 'because if I had managed to get there'}, {'start': '1847.333', 'end': '1848.766', 'text': 'maybe others could too a'}, {'start': '1849.400', 'end': '1851.533', 'text': 'few days after that internal revelation'}, {'start': '1852.066', 'end': '1854.266', 'text': 'today I decided to do something I never imagined I'}, {'start': '1854.766', 'end': '1855.733', 'text': 'recorded an audio'}, {'start': '1856.333', 'end': '1859.700', 'text': 'alone with my cell phone without preparation without a script I'}, {'start': '1860.166', 'end': '1860.533', 'text': 'simply let'}, {'start': '1860.533', 'end': '1862.933', 'text': 'out the voice that had been repressed'}, {'start': '1863.100', 'end': '1864.133', 'text': 'for more than 20 years'}, {'start': '1864.900', 'end': '1866.533', 'text': 'in that audio I spoke about my childhood about'}, {'start': '1867.066', 'end': '1868.733', 'text': 'the rules that shaped me about'}, {'start': '1868.966', 'end': '1870.466', 'text': 'the guilt that corroded me'}, {'start': '1870.866', 'end': '1872.866', 'text': 'and the fear that  I forced myself to pretend I'}, {'start': '1873.266', 'end': '1874.933', 'text': 'uploaded it to a small channel with'}, {'start': '1875.366', 'end': '1876.166', 'text': 'no followers I was'}, {'start': '1876.733', 'end': '1877.933', 'text': "n't expecting a response it"}, {'start': '1878.566', 'end': '1881.766', 'text': 'was just a symbolic act like throwing a bottle'}, {'start': '1881.866', 'end': '1884.300', 'text': 'into the sea with the secret hope that someone'}, {'start': '1884.466', 'end': '1885.266', 'text': 'somewhere would'}, {'start': '1885.500', 'end': '1886.333', 'text': 'find it'}, {'start': '1886.800', 'end': '1888.500', 'text': 'but the unexpected happened'}, {'start': '1889.000', 'end': '1889.800', 'text': 'one day later'}, {'start': '1890.166', 'end': '1891.300', 'text': 'a message appeared'}, {'start': '1891.933', 'end': '1893.133', 'text': 'thanks for telling this I'}, {'start': '1893.733', 'end': '1896.333', 'text': 'felt like it was my story but with your voice you'}, {'start': '1896.866', 'end': '1898.666', 'text': 'made me feel less alone'}, {'start': '1899.266', 'end': '1902.266', 'text': "and then another you don't know the relief you gave"}, {'start': '1902.766', 'end': '1904.166', 'text': 'me I was expelled too'}, {'start': '1904.200', 'end': '1906.266', 'text': 'for loving someone outside the congregation'}, {'start': '1907.000', 'end': '1910.300', 'text': 'I read each word with a lump in my throat suddenly'}, {'start': '1910.800', 'end': '1913.766', 'text': 'the pain that had been my cross became a bridge'}, {'start': '1914.200', 'end': '1917.166', 'text': 'on a silent path that connected broken hearts'}, {'start': '1917.700', 'end': '1918.800', 'text': 'silenced doubts'}, {'start': '1919.466', 'end': '1922.700', 'text': 'fears hidden in families that only knew how to punish'}, {'start': '1923.300', 'end': '1926.600', 'text': 'thus began what later became my purpose to'}, {'start': '1927.266', 'end': '1929.200', 'text': 'narrate not as a martyr'}, {'start': '1929.700', 'end': '1932.100', 'text': 'or a victim but as a witness'}, {'start': '1932.200', 'end': '1934.700', 'text': "to a truth that many don't dare to name"}, {'start': '1935.200', 'end': '1936.566', 'text': 'one afternoon as I was'}, {'start': '1936.700', 'end': '1939.766', 'text': 'walking along the boardwalk with the sea hitting the rocks I'}, {'start': '1940.400', 'end': '1941.900', 'text': 'received a voice message it'}, {'start': '1942.333', 'end': '1943.133', 'text': 'was a woman'}, {'start': '1943.733', 'end': '1946.966', 'text': 'her tone was weak as if every word cost her'}, {'start': '1947.500', 'end': '1950.566', 'text': 'Samuel I have not dared to speak for years'}, {'start': '1950.966', 'end': '1952.366', 'text': 'your story gave me strength'}, {'start': '1952.733', 'end': '1955.666', 'text': 'I was expelled when I was 18 for falling in love'}, {'start': '1956.200', 'end': '1958.066', 'text': 'nobody looked at me again  in my eyes'}, {'start': '1958.600', 'end': '1959.600', 'text': 'your voice was'}, {'start': '1960.200', 'end': '1962.200', 'text': "like a hug I'd waited for my whole life"}, {'start': '1962.700', 'end': '1964.200', 'text': 'and I stopped right there'}, {'start': '1964.533', 'end': '1967.166', 'text': 'I sat down on a stone bench and cried I'}, {'start': '1967.666', 'end': '1969.400', 'text': 'cried for her for myself'}, {'start': '1969.933', 'end': '1972.533', 'text': 'for all those who lived in fear of disobeying'}, {'start': '1973.133', 'end': '1975.733', 'text': 'for all those who learned to keep quiet to survive'}, {'start': '1976.366', 'end': '1977.400', 'text': 'that day I understood there'}, {'start': '1978.066', 'end': '1981.000', 'text': 'was an entire generation of emotional exiles'}, {'start': '1981.566', 'end': '1983.366', 'text': "people who didn't commit crimes"}, {'start': '1983.566', 'end': '1985.166', 'text': 'or hatred or betrayals they'}, {'start': '1985.800', 'end': '1987.200', 'text': 'only felt differently they'}, {'start': '1987.766', 'end': '1989.333', 'text': 'only thought for themselves they'}, {'start': '1989.766', 'end': '1991.800', 'text': "only loved where it wasn't allowed"}, {'start': '1992.400', 'end': '1994.500', 'text': 'the price of that freedom was very high'}, {'start': '1995.066', 'end': '1997.333', 'text': "but I was beginning to see something I couldn't before"}, {'start': '1997.966', 'end': '1999.066', 'text': 'we were not alone as'}, {'start': '1999.733', 'end': '2001.566', 'text': 'more testimonies arrived I'}, {'start': '2002.100', 'end': '2003.000', 'text': 'began to understand'}, {'start': '2003.133', 'end': '2004.900', 'text': 'something that before seemed impossible there is'}, {'start': '2005.533', 'end': '2007.133', 'text': 'life after silence'}, {'start': '2007.666', 'end': '2009.300', 'text': 'not an easy life but yes yes'}, {'start': '2009.300', 'end': '2010.900', 'text': 'not a life without scars'}, {'start': '2011.300', 'end': '2014.366', 'text': 'but a dignified life and that dignity began'}, {'start': '2014.800', 'end': '2017.266', 'text': 'at least for me by daring to say yes I was'}, {'start': '2017.866', 'end': '2019.366', 'text': 'manipulated'}, {'start': '2019.866', 'end': '2020.700', 'text': 'but no longer'}, {'start': '2021.300', 'end': '2022.500', 'text': 'each word shared'}, {'start': '2023.000', 'end': '2025.166', 'text': 'each story that was entrusted to me in private'}, {'start': '2025.800', 'end': '2028.366', 'text': 'built an invisible map of wounded'}, {'start': '2028.700', 'end': '2030.566', 'text': 'and yet awakened souls'}, {'start': '2031.300', 'end': '2032.066', 'text': 'men and women'}, {'start': '2032.066', 'end': '2034.300', 'text': 'who had been stripped of their identity'}, {'start': '2034.700', 'end': '2037.400', 'text': 'to fit into a structure  that promised love'}, {'start': '2037.700', 'end': '2039.700', 'text': 'but delivered blind obedience'}, {'start': '2040.000', 'end': '2042.566', 'text': 'today one day a young man wrote to me from Guadalajara'}, {'start': '2043.166', 'end': '2045.133', 'text': 'his message said brother I'}, {'start': '2045.733', 'end': '2047.900', 'text': 'heard your story and my body trembled'}, {'start': '2048.200', 'end': '2050.533', 'text': 'my mother is a witness my father too'}, {'start': '2050.966', 'end': '2054.200', 'text': "I don't have the courage that you had but thanks to you"}, {'start': '2054.700', 'end': '2056.533', 'text': 'today I began to write what I feel'}, {'start': '2057.400', 'end': '2060.866', 'text': 'that message broke me and rebuilt me \u200b\u200bat the same time'}, {'start': '2061.366', 'end': '2063.533', 'text': 'because I saw in it the 15 year old Samuel'}, {'start': '2064.000', 'end': '2064.733', 'text': 'with his backpack'}, {'start': '2064.733', 'end': '2067.300', 'text': 'full of publications and his head full of rules'}, {'start': '2067.733', 'end': '2068.533', 'text': 'a teenager'}, {'start': '2068.566', 'end': '2069.566', 'text': 'with a soul divided'}, {'start': '2069.666', 'end': '2071.566', 'text': 'between the desire to please Jehovah'}, {'start': '2071.866', 'end': '2074.700', 'text': 'and the human need to simply be free'}, {'start': '2075.366', 'end': '2077.100', 'text': 'and I began to notice a trend'}, {'start': '2077.733', 'end': '2078.933', 'text': 'the most intense messages'}, {'start': '2079.100', 'end': '2082.100', 'text': 'came from those who were still silent'}, {'start': '2082.900', 'end': '2084.133', 'text': 'people like me who'}, {'start': '2084.600', 'end': '2086.666', 'text': 'learned to smile in meetings'}, {'start': '2087.000', 'end': '2088.933', 'text': 'but cried in their rooms at night'}, {'start': '2089.600', 'end': '2091.766', 'text': 'people who no longer knew if they believed in God'}, {'start': '2092.066', 'end': '2093.700', 'text': 'or just feared his punishment'}, {'start': '2094.300', 'end': '2097.200', 'text': 'people with souls tired of being good just out of fear it'}, {'start': '2097.933', 'end': '2100.466', 'text': 'was then that I understood that the problem was not only'}, {'start': '2100.600', 'end': '2102.600', 'text': 'doctrinal it was existential'}, {'start': '2103.100', 'end': '2104.066', 'text': 'what is fractured'}, {'start': '2104.166', 'end': '2105.966', 'text': 'in these structures is not only faith it'}, {'start': '2106.500', 'end': '2107.333', 'text': 'is identity'}, {'start': '2107.866', 'end': '2109.400', 'text': 'the capacity to make decisions'}, {'start': '2110.133', 'end': '2112.700', 'text': 'the right to fail and try again to'}, {'start': '2112.966', 'end': '2114.500', 'text': 'love without  ask for permission'}, {'start': '2114.866', 'end': '2117.933', 'text': 'to make mistakes without it meaning losing your mother'}, {'start': '2118.133', 'end': '2119.866', 'text': 'or your brother and there'}, {'start': '2120.366', 'end': '2121.666', 'text': 'in the midst of that darkness'}, {'start': '2122.166', 'end': '2125.500', 'text': 'a concept appeared to me that changed my compassion'}, {'start': '2125.966', 'end': '2128.700', 'text': 'not the passive compassion of someone who observes from the outside'}, {'start': '2129.200', 'end': '2132.000', 'text': 'but the active one that is transformed into action I'}, {'start': '2132.733', 'end': '2134.366', 'text': 'began to respond to each message'}, {'start': '2134.533', 'end': '2137.366', 'text': 'with the attention that I would have liked to receive I'}, {'start': '2137.800', 'end': '2141.300', 'text': 'am not a therapist or a pastor or a spiritual guide'}, {'start': '2141.966', 'end': '2144.700', 'text': 'just a man who survived but sometimes'}, {'start': '2145.366', 'end': '2147.700', 'text': 'that is enough to light a spark'}, {'start': '2147.800', 'end': '2149.566', 'text': 'in another heart one night'}, {'start': '2150.100', 'end': '2152.700', 'text': 'while I was walking alone along the beach in Tenerife'}, {'start': '2152.933', 'end': '2154.366', 'text': 'I stopped in front of the sea'}, {'start': '2154.733', 'end': '2156.066', 'text': 'and began to cry I did'}, {'start': '2156.466', 'end': '2157.766', 'text': "n't know if it was sadness"}, {'start': '2157.866', 'end': '2159.800', 'text': 'or gratitude that overwhelmed me'}, {'start': '2160.300', 'end': '2161.133', 'text': 'maybe both'}, {'start': '2161.600', 'end': '2164.566', 'text': 'the wind was cold but the silence was warm'}, {'start': '2165.100', 'end': '2165.900', 'text': 'for the first time'}, {'start': '2166.300', 'end': '2168.800', 'text': 'the silence was not punishment it was consolation'}, {'start': '2169.300', 'end': '2171.900', 'text': 'I sat down on the wet sand and said out loud'}, {'start': '2172.400', 'end': '2173.200', 'text': 'I am alive I'}, {'start': '2173.366', 'end': '2175.666', 'text': 'said it like someone who finds a loved one who has'}, {'start': '2175.866', 'end': '2178.966', 'text': 'disappeared I said it like someone returning from a war'}, {'start': '2179.333', 'end': '2181.366', 'text': 'because that was what my life had been'}, {'start': '2181.933', 'end': '2184.766', 'text': 'a silent war without bullets or explosions'}, {'start': '2185.300', 'end': '2186.700', 'text': 'but with real losses'}, {'start': '2187.133', 'end': '2189.200', 'text': 'all the losses that bled inside'}, {'start': '2189.733', 'end': '2191.200', 'text': 'then I remembered my mother I'}, {'start': '2191.700', 'end': '2193.500', 'text': 'remembered her voice during the meetings'}, {'start': '2194.266', 'end': '2198.133', 'text': 'I remembered her effort to raise me in the truth  It hurt'}, {'start': '2198.200', 'end': '2200.533', 'text': 'that she left without knowing who I really was It'}, {'start': '2201.166', 'end': '2202.266', 'text': 'hurt me that she died'}, {'start': '2202.366', 'end': '2204.733', 'text': 'believing that her son was moving away from God'}, {'start': '2205.166', 'end': '2206.800', 'text': 'when in reality all she was looking for'}, {'start': '2206.900', 'end': '2208.333', 'text': 'was to get closer to the truth The'}, {'start': '2208.866', 'end': '2211.566', 'text': 'true truth, not the controlled truth'}, {'start': '2212.166', 'end': '2214.133', 'text': "And yet I didn't blame"}, {'start': '2214.600', 'end': '2217.566', 'text': 'her or my father I understood them'}, {'start': '2218.166', 'end': '2220.766', 'text': 'They were children too when they were recruited'}, {'start': '2221.300', 'end': '2223.533', 'text': 'They too learned that doubting was a sin'}, {'start': '2224.000', 'end': '2225.933', 'text': 'That overthinking was dangerous'}, {'start': '2226.366', 'end': '2228.300', 'text': "That God's love had conditions"}, {'start': '2228.966', 'end': '2230.600', 'text': 'But I could no longer live like that'}, {'start': '2231.066', 'end': '2234.866', 'text': 'I no longer wanted a conditional love There with my feet'}, {'start': '2235.000', 'end': '2237.500', 'text': 'buried in the sand and my eyes full of tears I'}, {'start': '2237.866', 'end': '2239.966', 'text': 'spoke to her My mother'}, {'start': '2240.366', 'end': '2241.500', 'text': 'not with resentment'}, {'start': '2242.200', 'end': '2243.200', 'text': 'but with tenderness I'}, {'start': '2243.666', 'end': '2244.933', 'text': 'told her that I forgave her'}, {'start': '2245.533', 'end': '2247.333', 'text': 'That I understood why she did what she did That'}, {'start': '2247.800', 'end': '2249.600', 'text': 'even though she thought I was lost'}, {'start': '2250.000', 'end': '2251.400', 'text': 'I was coming home'}, {'start': '2251.933', 'end': '2255.900', 'text': 'To a house that had no walls No elders No judgments'}, {'start': '2256.400', 'end': '2258.133', 'text': 'Only truth and freedom'}, {'start': '2258.933', 'end': '2259.933', 'text': 'After that night'}, {'start': '2260.466', 'end': '2261.533', 'text': 'something in me changed It'}, {'start': '2262.000', 'end': '2263.733', 'text': "wasn't a magical transformation"}, {'start': '2264.166', 'end': '2265.566', 'text': "The pain didn't go away"}, {'start': '2266.000', 'end': '2269.166', 'text': 'But I began to live with it I began to walk with it'}, {'start': '2269.500', 'end': '2270.133', 'text': 'To listen to'}, {'start': '2270.133', 'end': '2272.700', 'text': 'its messages Instead of trying to silence it'}, {'start': '2272.966', 'end': '2274.700', 'text': 'I became my own  pastor'}, {'start': '2275.133', 'end': '2276.300', 'text': 'in my own shelter'}, {'start': '2276.700', 'end': '2279.566', 'text': 'and the strangest thing is that in that new solitude I'}, {'start': '2280.133', 'end': '2281.733', 'text': 'began to find company'}, {'start': '2282.400', 'end': '2283.966', 'text': 'people I had never met'}, {'start': '2284.533', 'end': '2286.366', 'text': 'but who embraced me with their words'}, {'start': '2287.100', 'end': '2288.800', 'text': "people who didn't demand anything from me who did"}, {'start': '2289.066', 'end': '2290.866', 'text': "n't ask me for proof of my faith"}, {'start': '2291.300', 'end': '2293.333', 'text': 'or certificates of my repentance'}, {'start': '2294.000', 'end': '2296.366', 'text': 'just human beings who like me'}, {'start': '2296.866', 'end': '2298.966', 'text': 'just wanted to feel human again'}, {'start': '2299.566', 'end': '2301.466', 'text': 'as I allowed myself to feel'}, {'start': '2301.533', 'end': '2302.800', 'text': 'the pain without covering it up it'}, {'start': '2303.166', 'end': '2304.400', 'text': 'began to transform'}, {'start': '2305.000', 'end': '2306.533', 'text': 'sometimes it came as nostalgia'}, {'start': '2307.000', 'end': '2310.700', 'text': 'for the person I was for those I loved for what I lost'}, {'start': '2311.366', 'end': '2313.933', 'text': 'other times it presented itself as contained rage'}, {'start': '2314.366', 'end': '2316.266', 'text': 'not directed at anyone in particular'}, {'start': '2316.766', 'end': '2318.900', 'text': 'but at the system that tore so much from me'}, {'start': '2319.466', 'end': '2321.866', 'text': 'but most often it was a void'}, {'start': '2322.333', 'end': '2323.666', 'text': 'a kind of'}, {'start': '2323.766', 'end': '2325.866', 'text': 'inner abyss that seemed to never close'}, {'start': '2326.366', 'end': '2328.500', 'text': 'at that stage the nightmares returned'}, {'start': '2328.966', 'end': '2331.600', 'text': 'not about Armageddon like when I was a child'}, {'start': '2332.166', 'end': '2334.066', 'text': 'but about being trapped again'}, {'start': '2334.500', 'end': '2336.566', 'text': 'I dreamed that I returned to the Kingdom Hall I'}, {'start': '2336.766', 'end': '2339.000', 'text': 'wanted to scream and nobody heard me'}, {'start': '2339.766', 'end': '2340.766', 'text': 'everyone was smiling'}, {'start': '2341.333', 'end': '2343.566', 'text': 'everyone was repeating Jehovah loves you'}, {'start': '2344.100', 'end': '2346.200', 'text': 'but all I saw were masks every morning'}, {'start': '2346.200', 'end': '2348.200', 'text': 'I woke up drenched in sweat'}, {'start': '2348.466', 'end': '2349.666', 'text': 'with my heart racing'}, {'start': '2350.100', 'end': '2352.533', 'text': 'as if my subconscious was still chained'}, {'start': '2352.933', 'end': '2355.200', 'text': 'therapy sustained me a lot'}, {'start': '2355.700', 'end': '2356.766', 'text': 'but no  It was magical there were'}, {'start': '2357.333', 'end': '2360.066', 'text': 'days when I just wanted to disappear'}, {'start': '2360.700', 'end': '2362.333', 'text': 'everything seemed fine outside'}, {'start': '2362.766', 'end': '2365.600', 'text': 'the work was flowing the sky was clear'}, {'start': '2366.133', 'end': '2368.266', 'text': 'but inside only stormy'}, {'start': '2368.866', 'end': '2371.700', 'text': 'and it was on one of those days that I found something unexpected'}, {'start': '2372.133', 'end': '2375.133', 'text': 'writing a friend I met in Tenerife'}, {'start': '2375.266', 'end': '2376.700', 'text': 'gave me a notebook and told me'}, {'start': '2377.200', 'end': '2378.733', 'text': "write what you can't say"}, {'start': '2379.400', 'end': '2380.933', 'text': 'at first it seemed silly'}, {'start': '2381.366', 'end': '2383.533', 'text': "but one morning when I couldn't sleep"}, {'start': '2384.200', 'end': '2385.500', 'text': 'trapped by anxiety'}, {'start': '2385.966', 'end': '2388.100', 'text': 'today I opened that notebook and I started'}, {'start': '2388.733', 'end': '2390.466', 'text': 'writing as if someone was listening'}, {'start': '2390.966', 'end': '2391.866', 'text': 'and somehow'}, {'start': '2392.366', 'end': '2394.166', 'text': 'someone was doing it myself'}, {'start': '2394.766', 'end': '2396.100', 'text': 'in that intimate space I'}, {'start': '2396.600', 'end': '2399.600', 'text': 'began to rescue parts of myself that I thought were lost I'}, {'start': '2400.200', 'end': '2401.266', 'text': 'wrote about the boy'}, {'start': '2401.333', 'end': '2403.600', 'text': 'who never got to blow out the candles on his cake'}, {'start': '2404.166', 'end': '2406.100', 'text': 'about the teenager who had to lie'}, {'start': '2406.200', 'end': '2407.500', 'text': 'to attend a party'}, {'start': '2408.200', 'end': '2410.466', 'text': 'about the young man who felt guilty for kissing'}, {'start': '2410.566', 'end': '2411.700', 'text': 'someone he loved I'}, {'start': '2412.200', 'end': '2413.200', 'text': 'wrote about everything'}, {'start': '2413.733', 'end': '2414.666', 'text': 'and with each page it'}, {'start': '2415.333', 'end': '2417.466', 'text': 'was like I lifted a stone from my chest I'}, {'start': '2418.000', 'end': '2420.200', 'text': 'began to write letters that I never sent'}, {'start': '2420.666', 'end': '2423.133', 'text': 'one for my father telling him I loved him'}, {'start': '2423.533', 'end': '2425.000', 'text': 'even though he turned his back on me'}, {'start': '2425.600', 'end': '2426.566', 'text': 'another for my sister'}, {'start': '2426.933', 'end': '2430.600', 'text': 'remembering when she taught me to ride a bike 1/3'}, {'start': '2431.133', 'end': '2431.933', 'text': 'for myself'}, {'start': '2432.400', 'end': '2434.166', 'text': 'for the boy who held flyers'}, {'start': '2434.333', 'end': '2436.866', 'text': 'door to door believing he was saving  to the world'}, {'start': '2437.533', 'end': '2439.100', 'text': "those letters didn't change the past"}, {'start': '2439.600', 'end': '2441.100', 'text': 'but they did change my present they gave me'}, {'start': '2441.566', 'end': '2442.966', 'text': 'back my humanity they'}, {'start': '2443.533', 'end': '2445.200', 'text': 'helped me understand that my pain'}, {'start': '2445.300', 'end': '2446.766', 'text': "wasn't a sign of weakness"}, {'start': '2447.266', 'end': '2448.066', 'text': 'but of courage'}, {'start': '2448.500', 'end': '2451.100', 'text': 'because only he who dares to live feels pain'}, {'start': '2451.666', 'end': '2454.200', 'text': 'and I was finally living'}, {'start': '2454.933', 'end': '2456.866', 'text': 'time passed and with it'}, {'start': '2457.333', 'end': '2459.666', 'text': 'today I was learning to build a new routine'}, {'start': '2460.200', 'end': '2462.000', 'text': 'a life where no one watched me'}, {'start': '2462.466', 'end': '2464.900', 'text': "where I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't"}, {'start': '2465.400', 'end': '2467.733', 'text': 'where finally my decisions belonged to me'}, {'start': '2468.133', 'end': '2469.066', 'text': 'but that freedom'}, {'start': '2469.666', 'end': '2470.700', 'text': 'although invaluable did not'}, {'start': '2471.200', 'end': '2472.966', 'text': 'come without a very high price'}, {'start': '2473.466', 'end': '2476.000', 'text': 'sunday mornings weighed like a stone'}, {'start': '2476.100', 'end': '2480.066', 'text': 'in my chest it was strange not to get ready not to get ready'}, {'start': '2480.500', 'end': '2482.266', 'text': 'not to run to get to the meeting I'}, {'start': '2482.800', 'end': '2485.766', 'text': "didn't miss the doctrine but I did miss the routine it"}, {'start': '2486.400', 'end': '2489.266', 'text': 'was as if the body itself knew that something was missing it'}, {'start': '2489.700', 'end': '2491.333', 'text': "wasn't faith what I missed"}, {'start': '2491.866', 'end': '2492.666', 'text': 'was structure'}, {'start': '2493.266', 'end': '2494.366', 'text': 'and that confused me it'}, {'start': '2494.933', 'end': '2496.600', 'text': 'was at that stage when I'}, {'start': '2496.733', 'end': '2497.933', 'text': 'first heard the term'}, {'start': '2498.400', 'end': '2499.866', 'text': 'emotional deprogramming I'}, {'start': '2500.600', 'end': '2501.666', 'text': 'began to investigate I'}, {'start': '2502.200', 'end': '2504.800', 'text': 'discovered that many of the emotions that invaded me'}, {'start': '2505.066', 'end': '2506.100', 'text': 'were not spiritual'}, {'start': '2506.866', 'end': '2508.166', 'text': 'but neurological'}, {'start': '2508.766', 'end': '2510.400', 'text': 'my brain had been trained'}, {'start': '2510.533', 'end': '2513.900', 'text': 'for years to link certain actions like praying'}, {'start': '2514.500', 'end': '2515.300', 'text': 'studying'}, {'start': '2515.333', 'end': '2519.133', 'text': 'preaching singing in a group with feelings of belonging'}, {'start': '2519.533', 'end': '2521.166', 'text': 'security peace'}, {'start': '2521.766', 'end': '2523.366', 'text': 'and by eliminating those practices I'}, {'start': '2523.766', 'end': '2526.266', 'text': 'lost  also my internal reward system'}, {'start': '2526.700', 'end': '2529.466', 'text': 'felt empty not because I left Jehovah'}, {'start': '2529.733', 'end': '2531.966', 'text': 'but because I no longer knew how to feel good'}, {'start': '2532.600', 'end': '2534.000', 'text': 'it was then that I dared'}, {'start': '2534.133', 'end': '2535.866', 'text': 'to seek other forms of spirituality'}, {'start': '2536.500', 'end': '2538.066', 'text': 'without labels without fear I'}, {'start': '2538.866', 'end': '2541.366', 'text': 'joined a small meditation group in my city'}, {'start': '2541.900', 'end': '2542.700', 'text': 'nobody asked'}, {'start': '2542.700', 'end': '2544.766', 'text': 'what you believed or what you had done before it'}, {'start': '2545.366', 'end': '2546.400', 'text': 'was just silence'}, {'start': '2547.066', 'end': '2550.333', 'text': 'in the first sessions I felt like an imposter an'}, {'start': '2550.500', 'end': '2551.300', 'text': 'ex-witness'}, {'start': '2551.366', 'end': '2553.733', 'text': 'wanting to find God outside of the Kingdom Hall'}, {'start': '2554.333', 'end': '2555.366', 'text': 'but in that silence'}, {'start': '2555.933', 'end': '2558.000', 'text': 'something inside me began to calm down'}, {'start': '2558.500', 'end': '2560.900', 'text': 'for the first time in my life I prayed without fear'}, {'start': '2561.400', 'end': '2564.533', 'text': 'I spoke to God but not to the God of the organization'}, {'start': '2565.300', 'end': '2566.400', 'text': 'I spoke to the real God the one who'}, {'start': '2567.066', 'end': '2568.000', 'text': 'perhaps does'}, {'start': '2568.300', 'end': '2570.766', 'text': 'not need a structure to manifest himself'}, {'start': '2571.333', 'end': '2572.900', 'text': 'I cried but not out of guilt'}, {'start': '2573.533', 'end': '2574.333', 'text': 'not out of shame'}, {'start': '2574.800', 'end': '2575.933', 'text': 'I cried out of relief I'}, {'start': '2576.500', 'end': '2577.500', 'text': 'felt that I'}, {'start': '2577.933', 'end': '2580.900', 'text': 'could finally get closer to the divine without having to justify myself'}, {'start': '2581.466', 'end': '2582.300', 'text': 'without having to pretend'}, {'start': '2583.000', 'end': '2585.066', 'text': 'without having to fear being wrong it'}, {'start': '2585.400', 'end': '2588.266', 'text': 'was the most human and most honest prayer I have ever made'}, {'start': '2588.733', 'end': '2591.500', 'text': 'in that same period I began to meet other people'}, {'start': '2592.000', 'end': '2594.166', 'text': 'who had gone through similar processes'}, {'start': '2594.900', 'end': '2596.566', 'text': 'ex-Catholics fundamentalists'}, {'start': '2597.200', 'end': '2599.800', 'text': 'ex-evangelicals rejected for loving differently'}, {'start': '2600.466', 'end': '2602.533', 'text': 'people who came from digital sects'}, {'start': '2602.766', 'end': '2604.733', 'text': 'of religions  ultraconservative'}, {'start': '2605.300', 'end': '2606.466', 'text': 'and among so many stories I'}, {'start': '2607.066', 'end': '2608.300', 'text': 'understood something profound'}, {'start': '2608.966', 'end': '2611.200', 'text': 'we all carried similar scars'}, {'start': '2611.766', 'end': '2613.066', 'text': 'religion could change'}, {'start': '2613.533', 'end': '2615.900', 'text': 'the country the doctrine the names'}, {'start': '2616.500', 'end': '2617.733', 'text': 'but the pain was the same'}, {'start': '2618.166', 'end': '2621.533', 'text': 'the fear of disappointing the shame of thinking differently'}, {'start': '2622.000', 'end': '2624.133', 'text': 'the terror of living outside the bubble'}, {'start': '2624.766', 'end': '2626.200', 'text': 'connecting with them made me'}, {'start': '2626.333', 'end': '2628.133', 'text': 'feel part of something for the first time'}, {'start': '2628.500', 'end': '2629.300', 'text': 'since I left it'}, {'start': '2629.766', 'end': '2631.000', 'text': "wasn't a congregation it"}, {'start': '2631.400', 'end': '2633.366', 'text': 'was a brotherhood of survivors'}, {'start': '2634.066', 'end': '2635.066', 'text': 'people who like me had been'}, {'start': '2635.266', 'end': '2637.733', 'text': 'broken by structures that promised'}, {'start': '2637.933', 'end': '2641.600', 'text': 'salvation but demanded blind obedience people who'}, {'start': '2642.066', 'end': '2643.500', 'text': 'after losing everything'}, {'start': '2643.733', 'end': '2645.966', 'text': 'had had to rebuild themselves from scratch'}, {'start': '2646.466', 'end': '2649.800', 'text': 'and it was there listening to their stories and sharing mine'}, {'start': '2650.133', 'end': '2651.700', 'text': 'that I began to understand something'}, {'start': '2652.266', 'end': '2655.200', 'text': 'maybe my mission was no longer to save anyone'}, {'start': '2655.800', 'end': '2657.800', 'text': 'but simply to tell what I lived'}, {'start': '2658.366', 'end': '2660.366', 'text': 'because out there in silence there is'}, {'start': '2660.966', 'end': '2663.333', 'text': 'someone feeling the same as I felt'}, {'start': '2663.700', 'end': '2666.133', 'text': 'and maybe that person only needs one thing to'}, {'start': '2666.866', 'end': '2669.266', 'text': 'know that survival is possible'}, {'start': '2669.866', 'end': '2671.700', 'text': 'with time I began to notice'}, {'start': '2671.733', 'end': '2674.000', 'text': 'that something inside me had changed forever I'}, {'start': '2674.700', 'end': '2676.166', 'text': 'no longer reacted the same way I'}, {'start': '2676.500', 'end': '2678.533', 'text': 'no longer got overwhelmed every time I heard'}, {'start': '2678.733', 'end': '2680.000', 'text': 'talk of religion I no longer'}, {'start': '2680.000', 'end': '2683.066', 'text': 'felt that raw rage or that immediate anguish there'}, {'start': '2683.733', 'end': '2685.400', 'text': 'was still pain yes'}, {'start': '2685.666', 'end': '2688.066', 'text': 'but it had transformed into something more serene'}, {'start': '2688.500', 'end': '2689.300', 'text': 'more  tolerable'}, {'start': '2689.900', 'end': '2691.566', 'text': 'like a wound that was healing'}, {'start': '2691.900', 'end': '2695.166', 'text': 'but still hurts if you touch it hard one afternoon'}, {'start': '2695.600', 'end': '2697.666', 'text': 'while I was walking alone along the boardwalk I'}, {'start': '2697.866', 'end': '2699.600', 'text': 'stopped to watch the sea'}, {'start': '2700.066', 'end': '2702.966', 'text': 'the waves broke again and again against the rocks'}, {'start': '2703.400', 'end': '2704.566', 'text': "as if they didn't care"}, {'start': '2704.800', 'end': '2706.600', 'text': 'how many times they had to try'}, {'start': '2707.100', 'end': '2710.133', 'text': "I sat down on a bench took a deep breath and thought that's who"}, {'start': '2710.666', 'end': '2711.600', 'text': 'I am now'}, {'start': '2712.266', 'end': '2713.733', 'text': 'a wave that keeps coming back'}, {'start': '2714.166', 'end': '2715.100', 'text': "that doesn't give up"}, {'start': '2715.566', 'end': '2718.066', 'text': 'even though it no longer has anyone waiting for it on the shore'}, {'start': '2718.500', 'end': '2720.966', 'text': 'the expulsion had left a deep mark'}, {'start': '2721.466', 'end': '2723.300', 'text': 'not only because of the loss of my family'}, {'start': '2723.900', 'end': '2725.866', 'text': 'but because of the silence that came after'}, {'start': '2726.500', 'end': '2728.866', 'text': "that silence is not just an absence of words it's an"}, {'start': '2729.333', 'end': '2730.933', 'text': 'absence of validation'}, {'start': '2731.500', 'end': '2732.966', 'text': "it's realizing that"}, {'start': '2733.100', 'end': '2735.000', 'text': 'to those who were your entire world you'}, {'start': '2735.566', 'end': '2736.366', 'text': 'no longer exist you'}, {'start': '2737.000', 'end': '2738.933', 'text': 'are a shadow a mistake'}, {'start': '2739.300', 'end': '2741.066', 'text': 'a name that cannot be pronounced'}, {'start': '2741.600', 'end': '2742.400', 'text': 'and yet'}, {'start': '2742.800', 'end': '2743.966', 'text': 'in that same silence I'}, {'start': '2744.533', 'end': '2747.800', 'text': 'began to discover my voice I wrote a lot'}, {'start': '2748.200', 'end': '2749.933', 'text': 'at first just for myself'}, {'start': '2750.400', 'end': '2752.166', 'text': 'loose notes thoughts'}, {'start': '2752.866', 'end': '2754.133', 'text': 'fragmented memories'}, {'start': '2754.733', 'end': '2756.500', 'text': 'but then I realized that writing'}, {'start': '2756.766', 'end': '2759.266', 'text': 'was a way of resisting to say'}, {'start': '2759.866', 'end': '2762.100', 'text': 'here I am even if no one was listening'}, {'start': '2762.733', 'end': '2765.166', 'text': 'my words became a kind of'}, {'start': '2765.333', 'end': '2768.533', 'text': "portable home a place where I could be myself without fear that's how"}, {'start': '2769.166', 'end': '2771.100', 'text': 'the idea of \u200b\u200bsharing'}, {'start': '2771.300', 'end': '2772.666', 'text': 'my testimony publicly was born'}, {'start': '2773.400', 'end': '2774.600', 'text': "no it wasn't something planned  It"}, {'start': '2775.066', 'end': '2778.366', 'text': 'was an impulse, almost an internal whisper that told me to'}, {'start': '2779.000', 'end': '2782.066', 'text': 'do it, not out of revenge, not out of scandal,'}, {'start': '2782.500', 'end': '2783.533', 'text': 'do it because your story'}, {'start': '2783.700', 'end': '2785.933', 'text': 'can be a flashlight for someone else who still walks'}, {'start': '2786.066', 'end': '2786.866', 'text': 'in the dark.'}, {'start': '2787.200', 'end': '2788.666', 'text': 'And when I finally did it,'}, {'start': '2789.100', 'end': '2791.700', 'text': 'when I told everything, something broke,'}, {'start': '2792.266', 'end': '2793.766', 'text': 'but something was also released. I'}, {'start': '2794.466', 'end': '2796.666', 'text': "received messages from people I didn't know"}, {'start': '2797.066', 'end': '2797.966', 'text': 'thanking me'}, {'start': '2798.066', 'end': '2799.166', 'text': 'for saying out loud'}, {'start': '2799.266', 'end': '2801.000', 'text': "what they couldn't yet pronounce,"}, {'start': '2801.333', 'end': '2802.766', 'text': 'not even in their own thoughts.'}, {'start': '2803.700', 'end': '2804.766', 'text': 'Trapped people,'}, {'start': '2805.366', 'end': '2806.366', 'text': 'hurt people,'}, {'start': '2806.933', 'end': '2808.200', 'text': 'people who still trembled'}, {'start': '2808.333', 'end': '2810.666', 'text': 'when questioning what they were taught since they were children. I'}, {'start': '2811.266', 'end': '2813.500', 'text': 'never imagined that my pain could be useful,'}, {'start': '2814.000', 'end': '2814.933', 'text': 'that my scars'}, {'start': '2815.100', 'end': '2817.066', 'text': 'could serve as a map for someone else,'}, {'start': '2817.733', 'end': '2818.566', 'text': 'but there they were,'}, {'start': '2819.133', 'end': '2820.066', 'text': 'touching hearts,'}, {'start': '2820.733', 'end': '2822.200', 'text': 'turning on little lights,'}, {'start': '2822.900', 'end': '2824.600', 'text': 'and it was in that moment that I knew I do'}, {'start': '2825.166', 'end': '2827.566', 'text': "n't need back what was taken from me. I"}, {'start': '2828.133', 'end': '2829.933', 'text': "don't need my father to hug me"}, {'start': '2830.066', 'end': '2831.366', 'text': 'or my brothers to call me.'}, {'start': '2832.066', 'end': '2835.466', 'text': 'What I need is to live with dignity, with authenticity,'}, {'start': '2836.000', 'end': '2838.333', 'text': 'without fear because if I learned anything, it'}, {'start': '2838.700', 'end': '2839.700', 'text': "'s that there is no"}, {'start': '2839.766', 'end': '2841.600', 'text': 'crueler punishment than denying yourself. There'}, {'start': '2842.333', 'end': '2843.200', 'text': 'was a moment,'}, {'start': '2843.700', 'end': '2846.066', 'text': 'weeks after publishing my testimony, when I'}, {'start': '2846.566', 'end': '2849.166', 'text': 'found myself crying in a public bathroom, there'}, {'start': '2849.666', 'end': '2851.100', 'text': 'was no apparent reason, I'}, {'start': '2851.700', 'end': '2854.800', 'text': 'just felt something pushing me from within, a'}, {'start': '2854.900', 'end': '2857.900', 'text': 'wave of pent-up emotions that needed to be addressed.  I'}, {'start': '2858.600', 'end': '2860.400', 'text': 'cried for everything I had lost'}, {'start': '2861.100', 'end': '2862.933', 'text': 'but also for everything I had gained'}, {'start': '2863.066', 'end': '2864.500', 'text': 'without even realizing it'}, {'start': '2865.000', 'end': '2866.700', 'text': 'because for the first time in a long time'}, {'start': '2867.333', 'end': '2868.300', 'text': 'I felt alive'}, {'start': '2868.600', 'end': '2870.900', 'text': 'freedom is strange when you experience it'}, {'start': '2871.133', 'end': '2871.933', 'text': 'for the first time it does'}, {'start': '2872.066', 'end': '2873.766', 'text': "n't come with fireworks"}, {'start': '2874.066', 'end': '2875.666', 'text': 'or an instruction manual it'}, {'start': '2876.466', 'end': '2878.366', 'text': 'comes in the form of small decisions'}, {'start': '2879.000', 'end': '2880.166', 'text': 'saying no without guilt'}, {'start': '2880.733', 'end': '2882.100', 'text': 'looking at the sky without fear'}, {'start': '2882.500', 'end': '2884.700', 'text': 'walking without having to watch your back'}, {'start': '2885.166', 'end': '2887.200', 'text': 'learning to exist without asking permission'}, {'start': '2887.866', 'end': '2891.100', 'text': 'learning to think without a filter to feel without punishment'}, {'start': '2891.700', 'end': '2893.200', 'text': 'but it also comes with loneliness'}, {'start': '2893.700', 'end': '2896.100', 'text': 'alone with a kind of loneliness that not everyone understands'}, {'start': '2896.600', 'end': '2899.100', 'text': "because it's not the loneliness of being physically alone it"}, {'start': '2899.733', 'end': '2901.466', 'text': "'s the loneliness of not having roots"}, {'start': '2901.933', 'end': '2903.700', 'text': 'of not having a shared past'}, {'start': '2904.100', 'end': '2905.366', 'text': 'of not knowing who to call'}, {'start': '2905.533', 'end': '2907.933', 'text': 'when your world falls apart at three in the morning'}, {'start': '2908.800', 'end': '2909.600', 'text': 'for months'}, {'start': '2909.966', 'end': '2912.933', 'text': 'I had recurring dreams with my mother in them'}, {'start': '2913.500', 'end': '2914.500', 'text': "she wouldn't speak to me she would"}, {'start': '2915.100', 'end': '2917.866', 'text': 'just look at me from afar with sadness'}, {'start': '2918.366', 'end': '2920.366', 'text': "with that look I'd known since I was a child"}, {'start': '2920.900', 'end': '2922.700', 'text': 'when I knew I had disappointed her'}, {'start': '2923.200', 'end': '2926.666', 'text': 'I would wake up drenched in sweat with my heart in my throat'}, {'start': '2927.133', 'end': '2928.733', 'text': 'and every time I opened my eyes'}, {'start': '2929.000', 'end': '2931.300', 'text': 'I wished it was all just a nightmare'}, {'start': '2931.866', 'end': '2932.666', 'text': 'but the reality'}, {'start': '2933.000', 'end': '2934.266', 'text': 'was even crueler'}, {'start': '2934.700', 'end': '2935.800', 'text': 'she was still dead'}, {'start': '2936.166', 'end': '2937.700', 'text': 'and my family was still alive'}, {'start': '2938.000', 'end': '2939.800', 'text': 'but I had been buried alive'}, {'start': '2940.266', 'end': '2943.300', 'text': 'in one of those dreams I approached her  and I said'}, {'start': '2943.800', 'end': '2945.333', 'text': "mom I'm not lost I"}, {'start': '2945.866', 'end': '2948.766', 'text': "'m just searching for my way and she cried I do"}, {'start': '2949.200', 'end': '2951.333', 'text': "n't know if it was from sadness or relief"}, {'start': '2951.700', 'end': '2953.133', 'text': 'today I woke up shaking'}, {'start': '2953.333', 'end': '2955.866', 'text': 'but that phrase stayed with me like a mantra I'}, {'start': '2956.400', 'end': '2957.200', 'text': "'m not lost I'm"}, {'start': '2957.800', 'end': '2959.200', 'text': 'just searching for my way'}, {'start': '2959.933', 'end': '2962.900', 'text': 'little by little I began to build new roots'}, {'start': '2963.566', 'end': '2964.366', 'text': 'not with blood'}, {'start': '2964.966', 'end': '2966.666', 'text': 'but with genuine connection'}, {'start': '2967.133', 'end': '2969.066', 'text': 'friends who listened without judgment'}, {'start': '2969.400', 'end': '2970.900', 'text': "many people who didn't know me"}, {'start': '2970.933', 'end': '2971.800', 'text': 'in the congregation'}, {'start': '2972.266', 'end': '2974.666', 'text': "who didn't expect me to pretend to be anyone else"}, {'start': '2975.133', 'end': '2977.966', 'text': 'offered me a space where I could be imperfect'}, {'start': '2978.500', 'end': '2980.166', 'text': 'contradictory fragile'}, {'start': '2980.766', 'end': '2982.533', 'text': 'and still be loved'}, {'start': '2983.066', 'end': '2985.533', 'text': 'I learned to celebrate my birthday for the first time it'}, {'start': '2986.066', 'end': '2988.400', 'text': 'was weird I felt guilty'}, {'start': '2988.800', 'end': '2990.800', 'text': 'like I was doing something forbidden'}, {'start': '2991.400', 'end': '2994.666', 'text': 'but I also felt a deep childlike joy'}, {'start': '2995.166', 'end': '2996.333', 'text': 'as if the child I once was had'}, {'start': '2996.533', 'end': '2998.733', 'text': 'waited for this moment his whole life I'}, {'start': '2999.400', 'end': '3002.166', 'text': 'blew out the candles with a mix of laughter and tears'}, {'start': '3002.700', 'end': '3005.300', 'text': "surrounded by people who weren't blood relatives"}, {'start': '3005.700', 'end': '3006.766', 'text': 'but family by soul'}, {'start': '3007.066', 'end': '3010.300', 'text': 'and I understood that this was also a miracle it was also'}, {'start': '3010.466', 'end': '3012.900', 'text': 'during that time that I began to receive messages'}, {'start': '3013.733', 'end': '3014.533', 'text': 'many messages'}, {'start': '3015.200', 'end': '3016.500', 'text': 'some full of love'}, {'start': '3016.933', 'end': '3018.700', 'text': 'others filled with hate some'}, {'start': '3018.766', 'end': '3020.700', 'text': 'people thanking me for speaking up'}, {'start': '3021.000', 'end': '3022.000', 'text': 'for putting words to the'}, {'start': '3022.133', 'end': '3024.500', 'text': "pain they didn't yet know how to name"}, {'start': '3024.933', 'end': '3029.300', 'text': 'and others accusing me of  apostate traitor liar'}, {'start': '3030.000', 'end': '3032.366', 'text': 'some even came from old acquaintances'}, {'start': '3032.966', 'end': '3034.366', 'text': 'disguised with concern'}, {'start': '3034.933', 'end': '3036.500', 'text': 'but drenched in judgment you'}, {'start': '3036.966', 'end': '3039.300', 'text': 'are lost Samu they told me you'}, {'start': '3039.800', 'end': '3041.300', 'text': 'still have time to return'}, {'start': '3041.933', 'end': '3043.900', 'text': "but I didn't want to go back to a cage"}, {'start': '3044.366', 'end': '3046.066', 'text': 'not even a cage with flowers'}, {'start': '3046.566', 'end': '3048.333', 'text': 'every word written by those people'}, {'start': '3048.766', 'end': '3051.333', 'text': 'hurt me more than I was willing to admit'}, {'start': '3051.900', 'end': '3053.733', 'text': 'not because I believed they were right'}, {'start': '3054.333', 'end': '3057.133', 'text': 'but because they confirmed that I was no longer part of their world'}, {'start': '3057.733', 'end': '3058.600', 'text': 'because deep down it'}, {'start': '3059.100', 'end': '3060.066', 'text': 'still hurt me'}, {'start': '3060.166', 'end': '3062.766', 'text': 'not to be accepted by those I had loved the most'}, {'start': '3063.566', 'end': '3066.133', 'text': 'however among all those messages there'}, {'start': '3066.800', 'end': '3070.200', 'text': 'were some that shook me inside young people'}, {'start': '3070.566', 'end': '3072.533', 'text': 'barely 18 or 20 years old'}, {'start': '3072.900', 'end': '3075.500', 'text': 'who wrote to me in secret from 1/4 dark'}, {'start': '3076.400', 'end': '3079.300', 'text': "witnesses or still inside they told me I can't get"}, {'start': '3079.966', 'end': '3080.700', 'text': 'out'}, {'start': '3080.700', 'end': '3082.933', 'text': 'but hearing you makes me feel less alone'}, {'start': '3083.300', 'end': '3085.733', 'text': 'and those messages broke me'}, {'start': '3086.266', 'end': '3087.900', 'text': 'because I had been that young man'}, {'start': '3088.333', 'end': '3089.566', 'text': 'in that same darkness'}, {'start': '3090.166', 'end': '3092.666', 'text': 'believing that I was the only one in the world with doubts it'}, {'start': '3093.366', 'end': '3095.900', 'text': 'was there that I understood that my story was not only mine'}, {'start': '3096.533', 'end': '3099.366', 'text': 'that it belonged to all those who had ever felt that their faith'}, {'start': '3099.566', 'end': '3100.500', 'text': 'was a prison'}, {'start': '3100.933', 'end': '3102.166', 'text': 'that their voice was sin'}, {'start': '3102.600', 'end': '3104.100', 'text': 'that their freedom was punishment'}, {'start': '3104.600', 'end': '3107.300', 'text': 'and I began to feel a new kind of purpose'}, {'start': '3107.966', 'end': '3109.933', 'text': 'not the  to save anyone'}, {'start': '3110.400', 'end': '3111.533', 'text': 'but to accompany'}, {'start': '3112.066', 'end': '3114.800', 'text': 'I want to show with my existence that it is possible to get through it, that'}, {'start': '3115.366', 'end': '3117.200', 'text': 'life can be rebuilt,'}, {'start': '3117.666', 'end': '3118.766', 'text': 'that there is an after. I'}, {'start': '3119.300', 'end': '3120.266', 'text': 'began to write'}, {'start': '3120.766', 'end': '3123.333', 'text': 'not as a preacher, not as a therapist,'}, {'start': '3123.866', 'end': '3125.333', 'text': 'but as a broken human being'}, {'start': '3125.533', 'end': '3127.166', 'text': 'trying to share the pieces'}, {'start': '3127.866', 'end': '3129.133', 'text': 'and in that vulnerability I'}, {'start': '3129.700', 'end': '3132.100', 'text': 'found a strength I never imagined I would have.'}, {'start': '3132.600', 'end': '3134.966', 'text': 'Every time someone said thank you, I'}, {'start': '3135.466', 'end': '3136.766', 'text': "now understand what's happening to me. I"}, {'start': '3137.400', 'end': '3141.000', 'text': 'felt like all the pain had been worth it. One night'}, {'start': '3141.300', 'end': '3142.333', 'text': 'after an'}, {'start': '3142.466', 'end': '3144.166', 'text': 'online chat with a group of former members, I'}, {'start': '3144.466', 'end': '3145.466', 'text': 'closed the computer'}, {'start': '3145.800', 'end': '3146.966', 'text': 'and stayed silent. I'}, {'start': '3147.400', 'end': '3148.533', 'text': 'looked in the mirror. I'}, {'start': '3148.900', 'end': '3151.666', 'text': 'no longer saw a traitor, an apostate,'}, {'start': '3151.966', 'end': '3152.966', 'text': 'or a lost man. I'}, {'start': '3153.500', 'end': '3155.600', 'text': 'saw someone who had been through fire'}, {'start': '3155.700', 'end': '3156.566', 'text': 'and was still standing,'}, {'start': '3156.933', 'end': '3158.333', 'text': 'with scars, yes,'}, {'start': '3158.733', 'end': '3162.566', 'text': 'but standing, and I understood that that in itself'}, {'start': '3163.100', 'end': '3164.200', 'text': 'was a testimony.'}, {'start': '3164.933', 'end': '3167.466', 'text': 'One afternoon, while I was walking along the beach, I'}, {'start': '3167.966', 'end': '3170.700', 'text': 'remembered something that hit me like a distant echo,'}, {'start': '3171.133', 'end': '3173.133', 'text': 'a phrase that one of the elders told me'}, {'start': '3173.200', 'end': '3174.600', 'text': 'when I was barely 12 years old.'}, {'start': '3175.500', 'end': '3178.066', 'text': 'Samu, if you ever abandon the truth, you will'}, {'start': '3178.600', 'end': '3179.800', 'text': 'lose everything.'}, {'start': '3180.200', 'end': '3183.133', 'text': "At that moment, I didn't understand the magnitude of that threat, I"}, {'start': '3183.666', 'end': '3186.766', 'text': 'was just a child, but now, years later,'}, {'start': '3187.266', 'end': '3188.400', 'text': 'with the salty wind'}, {'start': '3188.566', 'end': '3190.766', 'text': 'hitting my face  and bare feet'}, {'start': '3190.900', 'end': '3192.500', 'text': 'on the sand I understood'}, {'start': '3192.800', 'end': '3195.133', 'text': "I realized that the whole they were talking about wasn't mine it"}, {'start': '3195.666', 'end': '3200.133', 'text': 'was their whole their structure their world not mine'}, {'start': '3200.666', 'end': '3201.700', 'text': "I didn't lose everything I"}, {'start': '3202.166', 'end': '3203.466', 'text': 'lost what limited me'}, {'start': '3203.800', 'end': '3204.933', 'text': 'what chained me'}, {'start': '3205.000', 'end': '3207.100', 'text': "to a life where I couldn't be me"}, {'start': '3207.333', 'end': '3209.566', 'text': 'and I gained something infinitely more valuable'}, {'start': '3210.300', 'end': '3212.766', 'text': 'the possibility of discovering who I really am'}, {'start': '3213.566', 'end': '3214.933', 'text': 'because no matter how much it hurt no matter how much'}, {'start': '3215.333', 'end': '3218.000', 'text': 'the abandonment tore me apart nothing'}, {'start': '3218.666', 'end': '3219.933', 'text': 'absolutely nothing was more'}, {'start': '3220.100', 'end': '3222.566', 'text': 'suffocating than living a borrowed life'}, {'start': '3223.133', 'end': '3226.300', 'text': 'that day sitting in the sand I cried again'}, {'start': '3226.766', 'end': '3229.600', 'text': 'but this time not out of nostalgia or fear'}, {'start': '3230.266', 'end': '3231.366', 'text': 'I cried out of gratitude'}, {'start': '3231.933', 'end': '3234.466', 'text': 'because even though I had gone through hell I'}, {'start': '3234.900', 'end': '3238.866', 'text': 'was alive and that life my life was now mine'}, {'start': '3239.333', 'end': '3240.366', 'text': 'but little by little I'}, {'start': '3240.800', 'end': '3243.333', 'text': 'began to reconcile myself with the word faith'}, {'start': '3243.866', 'end': '3245.500', 'text': 'no longer as a closed system'}, {'start': '3245.966', 'end': '3248.666', 'text': 'not as a series of rules imposed from outside'}, {'start': '3249.300', 'end': '3250.866', 'text': 'but as an internal flame'}, {'start': '3251.333', 'end': '3253.400', 'text': "a faith that didn't demand perfection"}, {'start': '3253.866', 'end': '3254.966', 'text': 'faith or submission'}, {'start': '3255.400', 'end': '3257.066', 'text': 'or renunciation of my essence'}, {'start': '3257.466', 'end': '3259.200', 'text': 'a faith that fit in my doubts'}, {'start': '3259.600', 'end': '3261.666', 'text': "that didn't punish me for thinking differently"}, {'start': '3262.166', 'end': '3264.566', 'text': "a faith that wasn't the property of any religion"}, {'start': '3265.200', 'end': '3266.000', 'text': 'but a bridge'}, {'start': '3266.133', 'end': '3267.733', 'text': "to something greater that I don't need to"}, {'start': '3267.900', 'end': '3269.533', 'text': 'fully understand to feel'}, {'start': '3270.133', 'end': '3271.700', 'text': 'and  With that new way of believing I'}, {'start': '3272.000', 'end': '3273.466', 'text': 'also learned to forgive,'}, {'start': '3273.866', 'end': '3275.466', 'text': 'not from condescension'}, {'start': '3275.900', 'end': '3277.166', 'text': 'but from compassion. I'}, {'start': '3277.700', 'end': '3280.066', 'text': 'began to see my parents not as executioners'}, {'start': '3280.600', 'end': '3282.966', 'text': 'but as victims of a system that trapped them'}, {'start': '3283.133', 'end': '3283.933', 'text': 'from a very young age.'}, {'start': '3284.400', 'end': '3286.366', 'text': 'Their absence hurt me, yes,'}, {'start': '3286.733', 'end': '3288.466', 'text': 'but I no longer held a grudge'}, {'start': '3288.800', 'end': '3289.966', 'text': 'because I understood that the same'}, {'start': '3290.000', 'end': '3292.066', 'text': 'fear that once paralyzed me'}, {'start': '3292.400', 'end': '3295.000', 'text': 'still chains them. I told myself that'}, {'start': '3295.600', 'end': '3296.700', 'text': 'maybe they will never come back,'}, {'start': '3297.166', 'end': '3299.066', 'text': 'maybe they will die without knowing who I am now,'}, {'start': '3299.700', 'end': '3302.366', 'text': 'but that is not my fault. I chose to live,'}, {'start': '3303.000', 'end': '3304.200', 'text': 'I chose to heal,'}, {'start': '3304.733', 'end': '3306.066', 'text': 'and that act of choosing'}, {'start': '3306.466', 'end': '3308.866', 'text': 'every day, even in the midst of pain,'}, {'start': '3309.166', 'end': '3311.533', 'text': 'is what sets me free. One night,'}, {'start': '3311.800', 'end': '3314.333', 'text': 'after a long time without knowing anything about my family, I'}, {'start': '3315.000', 'end': '3316.566', 'text': 'received an unexpected message. It'}, {'start': '3317.066', 'end': '3318.566', 'text': 'was from an unknown number,'}, {'start': '3319.133', 'end': '3322.966', 'text': 'but I instantly recognized the direct, dry,'}, {'start': '3323.533', 'end': '3325.666', 'text': 'almost doctrinal style. Samuel.'}, {'start': '3326.200', 'end': '3327.566', 'text': 'We know you are still far away, we'}, {'start': '3328.000', 'end': '3328.933', 'text': 'pray for you. The'}, {'start': '3329.400', 'end': '3332.900', 'text': 'Lord does not forget his lost sheep. I did not respond,'}, {'start': '3333.400', 'end': '3334.200', 'text': 'not out of pride,'}, {'start': '3334.866', 'end': '3337.333', 'text': 'but because I understood that it was not a message for me,'}, {'start': '3337.733', 'end': '3338.933', 'text': 'the man I am today.'}, {'start': '3339.366', 'end': '3340.366', 'text': 'That was a hook,'}, {'start': '3340.733', 'end': '3343.666', 'text': 'a rope thrown into a past that no longer defines me. I'}, {'start': '3344.166', 'end': '3347.933', 'text': 'went to sleep with my heart heavy, yes, but not at peace'}, {'start': '3348.500', 'end': '3349.300', 'text': 'anymore.  there was guilt'}, {'start': '3350.000', 'end': '3352.733', 'text': 'only a mourning that over time became silent it'}, {'start': '3353.466', 'end': '3355.500', 'text': 'was then that I began to write'}, {'start': '3355.933', 'end': '3358.366', 'text': 'to record all my memories'}, {'start': '3358.966', 'end': '3359.766', 'text': 'my questions my'}, {'start': '3360.166', 'end': '3360.966', 'text': 'wounds my'}, {'start': '3361.266', 'end': '3361.400', 'text': 'dreams I am free to cry when something hurts'}, {'start': '3363.866', 'end': '3364.966', 'text': 'to laugh without guilt'}, {'start': '3365.500', 'end': '3367.400', 'text': 'to love without imposed rules'}, {'start': '3367.966', 'end': '3369.666', 'text': 'to believe or to doubt'}, {'start': '3370.166', 'end': '3373.200', 'text': 'because I understood that faith does not need control or fear'}, {'start': '3373.800', 'end': '3375.666', 'text': 'that God if he exists'}, {'start': '3376.133', 'end': '3377.300', 'text': 'cannot be so small'}, {'start': '3377.400', 'end': '3378.966', 'text': 'as to need me to deny'}, {'start': '3379.100', 'end': '3380.466', 'text': 'myself to please him I have'}, {'start': '3381.000', 'end': '3382.666', 'text': 'learned that there is life after'}, {'start': '3382.766', 'end': '3384.800', 'text': 'exile that the soul is not broken'}, {'start': '3384.900', 'end': '3386.266', 'text': 'by abandoning a doctrine it is'}, {'start': '3386.700', 'end': '3388.266', 'text': 'broken by living a lie'}, {'start': '3388.600', 'end': '3391.133', 'text': 'and that rebuilding it is a sacred act'}, {'start': '3391.766', 'end': '3393.000', 'text': 'slow solitary'}, {'start': '3393.600', 'end': '3394.933', 'text': 'but deeply human'}, {'start': '3395.566', 'end': '3398.500', 'text': 'to those who listen to me I say you are not alone'}, {'start': '3398.866', 'end': '3402.666', 'text': 'if you feel that everything is falling apart breathe it is not the end it'}, {'start': '3403.166', 'end': '3407.000', 'text': 'is the beginning of something more yours more real more yours'}, {'start': '3407.100', 'end': '3408.500', 'text': 'than anything you have been'}, {'start': '3408.566', 'end': '3410.066', 'text': 'forced to repeat as truth'}, {'start': '3410.566', 'end': '3412.400', 'text': 'maybe I will never get my family back'}, {'start': '3412.966', 'end': '3415.133', 'text': 'maybe I will die without hugging them again'}, {'start': '3415.400', 'end': '3416.700', 'text': 'but I hug myself'}, {'start': '3417.166', 'end': '3418.066', 'text': 'the child that I was'}, {'start': '3418.400', 'end': '3419.566', 'text': 'the young man who doubted'}, {'start': '3419.900', 'end': '3422.966', 'text': 'the man who jumped into the abyss and found'}, {'start': '3423.566', 'end': '3424.533', 'text': 'thanks for listening to me'}]