Finding Life After Sudden Loss with Cecile Dransart
Rewild You
[{'start': '0.160', 'end': '5.359', 'text': 'Hello Cecilele and welcome to the'}, {'start': '2.600', 'end': '7.440', 'text': "podcast. I'm so stoked to have a chat"}, {'start': '5.359', 'end': '9.840', 'text': 'with you and just thank you so much for'}, {'start': '7.440', 'end': '13.040', 'text': 'being so eager to have a chat and for'}, {'start': '9.840', 'end': '15.040', 'text': 'being here and sharing your story and'}, {'start': '13.040', 'end': '18.240', 'text': "your wisdom with us. You're very"}, {'start': '15.040', 'end': '20.960', 'text': "welcome. It's a pleasure to be here. To"}, {'start': '18.240', 'end': '23.359', 'text': 'kick us off, can you share with us a'}, {'start': '20.960', 'end': '26.160', 'text': 'little bit a little bit about who you'}, {'start': '23.359', 'end': '29.039', 'text': 'are, what you do, how would you describe'}, {'start': '26.160', 'end': '31.840', 'text': "yourself? Where to start? There's a lot"}, {'start': '29.039', 'end': '34.160', 'text': "to say. So, well, I'm Cecilele. My"}, {'start': '31.840', 'end': '36.399', 'text': 'accent, for those who may be wondering,'}, {'start': '34.160', 'end': '38.559', 'text': "is French. So, I don't sound typically"}, {'start': '36.399', 'end': '40.480', 'text': "French, but I've got a bit of a mongrel"}, {'start': '38.559', 'end': '44.200', 'text': "accent because I've been living in New"}, {'start': '40.480', 'end': '47.600', 'text': 'Zealand for almost 20 years. I came in'}, {'start': '44.200', 'end': '50.960', 'text': '2005, followed my then boyfriend who was'}, {'start': '47.600', 'end': '54.399', 'text': 'a Kiwi. I am 41 years old. I live in'}, {'start': '50.960', 'end': '57.199', 'text': 'Christ Church with two boys. I am a solo'}, {'start': '54.399', 'end': '60.160', 'text': "mama and we'll learn all about this and"}, {'start': '57.199', 'end': '62.879', 'text': 'the reason why I could say a lot of'}, {'start': '60.160', 'end': '66.080', 'text': 'things about me but what people say'}, {'start': '62.879', 'end': '68.799', 'text': "about me is that I've got a quite a"}, {'start': '66.080', 'end': '71.040', 'text': 'contagious energy which is flattering.'}, {'start': '68.799', 'end': '76.240', 'text': "It's quite nice. But I guess I have"}, {'start': '71.040', 'end': '78.720', 'text': 'positive vibes and I I am very authentic'}, {'start': '76.240', 'end': '82.159', 'text': 'which means I can also be very'}, {'start': '78.720', 'end': '85.439', 'text': "vulnerable and that's a key authenticity"}, {'start': '82.159', 'end': '89.280', 'text': 'is one of my key values. So I just want'}, {'start': '85.439', 'end': '92.159', 'text': 'I try my best to live a a balanced life'}, {'start': '89.280', 'end': '94.400', 'text': "that's aligned with my values. Uh but"}, {'start': '92.159', 'end': '97.200', 'text': "I'm really really keen on on connection"}, {'start': '94.400', 'end': '100.079', 'text': "meaningful human connections and I'm"}, {'start': '97.200', 'end': '103.040', 'text': 'very interested in growth spiritual and'}, {'start': '100.079', 'end': '104.479', 'text': 'and else. And then what else? I I have a'}, {'start': '103.040', 'end': '107.119', 'text': "lot of passions. It's a mix of"}, {'start': '104.479', 'end': '110.680', 'text': 'creativity and social outgoing'}, {'start': '107.119', 'end': '113.360', 'text': 'activities. I love nature and I love'}, {'start': '110.680', 'end': '115.520', 'text': 'people. I think that sums you up. I mean'}, {'start': '113.360', 'end': '117.280', 'text': "I don't know you that well yet, but I"}, {'start': '115.520', 'end': '119.799', 'text': 'think that sums you up so well. And'}, {'start': '117.280', 'end': '123.200', 'text': "definitely I've already been feeling the"}, {'start': '119.799', 'end': '125.840', 'text': 'contagious energy. So I yeah, for our'}, {'start': '123.200', 'end': '127.200', 'text': 'audience watching and listening, I hope'}, {'start': '125.840', 'end': '131.000', 'text': "I'm sure that they'll pick up on that."}, {'start': '127.200', 'end': '131.000', 'text': 'Hopefully. Hopefully.'}, {'start': '131.120', 'end': '137.040', 'text': "And I just it's it's amazing. I mean, we"}, {'start': '133.680', 'end': '140.640', 'text': 'we will get into it that you continue to'}, {'start': '137.040', 'end': '143.040', 'text': 'have this positivity and that energy and'}, {'start': '140.640', 'end': '146.400', 'text': 'still going out there, you know, putting'}, {'start': '143.040', 'end': '148.879', 'text': 'yourself out there and living a'}, {'start': '146.400', 'end': '152.080', 'text': 'wholesome full life, you know, kind of'}, {'start': '148.879', 'end': '154.160', 'text': 'in the face of or despite everything'}, {'start': '152.080', 'end': '156.319', 'text': "that you've been through. Yeah, I mean"}, {'start': '154.160', 'end': '157.760', 'text': "it's you know it a lot of people have"}, {'start': '156.319', 'end': '160.400', 'text': 'told me and I think the first time we'}, {'start': '157.760', 'end': '163.680', 'text': 'had a chat I told you sometimes I can'}, {'start': '160.400', 'end': '165.120', 'text': 'just be telling all about the horrible'}, {'start': '163.680', 'end': '167.360', 'text': "things and feelings I've gone through"}, {'start': '165.120', 'end': '168.800', 'text': "and people say oh wow you're inspiring"}, {'start': '167.360', 'end': '171.200', 'text': "me and I'm like what do you mean I've"}, {'start': '168.800', 'end': '174.400', 'text': "just been telling you how hard I've hit"}, {'start': '171.200', 'end': '177.360', 'text': "it and how hard I've been feeling but"}, {'start': '174.400', 'end': '177.360', 'text': "yeah so there's hope"}, {'start': '177.480', 'end': '184.400', 'text': 'there absolutely and hope is a big part'}, {'start': '181.840', 'end': '186.319', 'text': 'of why we are having this conversation'}, {'start': '184.400', 'end': '188.800', 'text': 'today and a big part of why I started'}, {'start': '186.319', 'end': '192.319', 'text': "the podcast. So, well, that's beautiful."}, {'start': '188.800', 'end': '194.800', 'text': 'I if if we can give some hope, you know,'}, {'start': '192.319', 'end': '198.159', 'text': "let's do it."}, {'start': '194.800', 'end': '200.680', 'text': 'Cool. So, I wonder if you can share'}, {'start': '198.159', 'end': '203.680', 'text': 'share as much or as little as you like'}, {'start': '200.680', 'end': '205.879', 'text': "about the loss of yours that we're"}, {'start': '203.680', 'end': '209.440', 'text': 'talking about today. Who who was your'}, {'start': '205.879', 'end': '212.319', 'text': 'person? What did you maybe how did you'}, {'start': '209.440', 'end': '214.159', 'text': 'meet? and then a we bit about your'}, {'start': '212.319', 'end': '217.840', 'text': 'journey and your relationship and and'}, {'start': '214.159', 'end': '219.760', 'text': 'then the then what happened. Mhm.'}, {'start': '217.840', 'end': '221.200', 'text': "Well, it's interesting what comes to"}, {'start': '219.760', 'end': '223.599', 'text': "mind when you say who's my person. Of"}, {'start': '221.200', 'end': '225.920', 'text': 'course, I have the person. But I think'}, {'start': '223.599', 'end': '229.440', 'text': 'we also have um throughout our lives and'}, {'start': '225.920', 'end': '232.720', 'text': 'as as we age, many of those people, you'}, {'start': '229.440', 'end': '236.239', 'text': 'know, who who pass and who live life as'}, {'start': '232.720', 'end': '240.239', 'text': 'we know it. But my man, my person is'}, {'start': '236.239', 'end': '242.720', 'text': "Dave or David. Um and he's the person I"}, {'start': '240.239', 'end': '245.680', 'text': 'met back in the days who dragged me to'}, {'start': '242.720', 'end': '248.799', 'text': 'New Zealand. And so he and I still refer'}, {'start': '245.680', 'end': '250.959', 'text': 'to him as my husband. I am starting to'}, {'start': '248.799', 'end': '254.000', 'text': 'call him when in conversations with'}, {'start': '250.959', 'end': '256.160', 'text': 'other my late husband uh to kind of pass'}, {'start': '254.000', 'end': '261.199', 'text': 'on the message because people sometimes'}, {'start': '256.160', 'end': '263.840', 'text': 'get a bit confused. Um he passed uh away'}, {'start': '261.199', 'end': '266.400', 'text': 'five and a half years ago and it was a a'}, {'start': '263.840', 'end': '269.120', 'text': 'very sudden death because he said'}, {'start': '266.400', 'end': '271.840', 'text': "goodbye and see you later. I'll be back"}, {'start': '269.120', 'end': '274.400', 'text': 'at 4:30 at the end of school to pick up'}, {'start': '271.840', 'end': '277.800', 'text': 'the kids. and he never turned up. So,'}, {'start': '274.400', 'end': '280.560', 'text': "it's yeah, it it's just incredible. And"}, {'start': '277.800', 'end': '283.919', 'text': "I I think something that's been helping"}, {'start': '280.560', 'end': '286.880', 'text': "me is that, you know, I don't have any"}, {'start': '283.919', 'end': '290.000', 'text': 'taboo about it. I can speak about it and'}, {'start': '286.880', 'end': '292.560', 'text': 'I can give as many details as the person'}, {'start': '290.000', 'end': '295.199', 'text': "I'm talking to needs. And I was going to"}, {'start': '292.560', 'end': '297.360', 'text': 'say to understand, but who can'}, {'start': '295.199', 'end': '299.680', 'text': "understand? This is something we can't"}, {'start': '297.360', 'end': '302.080', 'text': "understand and we'll never be able to."}, {'start': '299.680', 'end': '304.080', 'text': "But yeah, I don't know. Do you want to"}, {'start': '302.080', 'end': '306.800', 'text': 'what else do you want to learn or hear'}, {'start': '304.080', 'end': '310.639', 'text': 'about Dave?'}, {'start': '306.800', 'end': '312.880', 'text': 'Do you have like a because I think what'}, {'start': '310.639', 'end': '316.560', 'text': 'when we have these conversations about'}, {'start': '312.880', 'end': '318.280', 'text': "grief and loss, it's very easy and even"}, {'start': '316.560', 'end': '320.360', 'text': 'in just our, you know, kind of our'}, {'start': '318.280', 'end': '324.560', 'text': 'internal thought'}, {'start': '320.360', 'end': '326.560', 'text': 'processes is it can be so easy to get'}, {'start': '324.560', 'end': '328.560', 'text': "consumed. I'm going to say stuck, but"}, {'start': '326.560', 'end': '332.720', 'text': 'like the grief and thinking about what'}, {'start': '328.560', 'end': '336.320', 'text': "we've lost is consuming. And in doing"}, {'start': '332.720', 'end': '340.240', 'text': 'that, we not forget, but we kind of'}, {'start': '336.320', 'end': '343.520', 'text': 'suppress those all those amazing'}, {'start': '340.240', 'end': '346.080', 'text': 'incredible memories and times that we'}, {'start': '343.520', 'end': '348.960', 'text': "had together. And I'm 100% guilty of"}, {'start': '346.080', 'end': '351.680', 'text': 'doing this. So I wonder if you if'}, {'start': '348.960', 'end': '354.080', 'text': "there's a favorite memory you have a"}, {'start': '351.680', 'end': '356.720', 'text': 'funny anecdote of you two together and'}, {'start': '354.080', 'end': '359.600', 'text': 'what you know something that really'}, {'start': '356.720', 'end': '363.680', 'text': 'exemplifies what you love about Dave. I'}, {'start': '359.600', 'end': '365.039', 'text': 'do. I have a few actually. So Dave um'}, {'start': '363.680', 'end': '366.479', 'text': "you know it's interesting how you say"}, {'start': '365.039', 'end': '369.120', 'text': 'sometimes you kind of suppress these'}, {'start': '366.479', 'end': '371.280', 'text': 'memories but we also have a tendency to'}, {'start': '369.120', 'end': '374.000', 'text': 'put that person on a pedestal and then'}, {'start': '371.280', 'end': '376.880', 'text': 'to kind of make them better greater than'}, {'start': '374.000', 'end': '380.240', 'text': "they were. Um I don't do that. you know,"}, {'start': '376.880', 'end': '382.240', 'text': 'he was really imperfect, but he he was'}, {'start': '380.240', 'end': '385.919', 'text': 'he was remarkable. Like he he was a'}, {'start': '382.240', 'end': '388.319', 'text': 'really truly witty, fun, kind man, and'}, {'start': '385.919', 'end': '390.000', 'text': 'he touched uh a lot of lives, which is'}, {'start': '388.319', 'end': '393.160', 'text': 'also something interesting that I may'}, {'start': '390.000', 'end': '398.160', 'text': 'share later in my coping with grief. But'}, {'start': '393.160', 'end': '400.800', 'text': 'he he was really humble. Um but he also'}, {'start': '398.160', 'end': '403.280', 'text': 'lived life to the fullest, which has now'}, {'start': '400.800', 'end': '404.720', 'text': 'become a moto for my life with all the'}, {'start': '403.280', 'end': '406.160', 'text': 'good, the bad, and the ugly. you know,'}, {'start': '404.720', 'end': '408.560', 'text': "it doesn't mean like be happy all the"}, {'start': '406.160', 'end': '411.600', 'text': "time, but it's just like leave it. And"}, {'start': '408.560', 'end': '414.400', 'text': 'he was really authentic himself. So, the'}, {'start': '411.600', 'end': '416.479', 'text': "very first time I met him, I'm friend,"}, {'start': '414.400', 'end': '419.360', 'text': "I'm studying in Dublin in Ireland. We're"}, {'start': '416.479', 'end': '422.560', 'text': "in a pub. He's on a piss with his mates."}, {'start': '419.360', 'end': '424.720', 'text': 'And then he saw me and for some unknown'}, {'start': '422.560', 'end': '427.280', 'text': 'reason, he I was finding it quite funny'}, {'start': '424.720', 'end': '429.840', 'text': 'because they were loud and interesting,'}, {'start': '427.280', 'end': '431.599', 'text': 'you know, rowdy boys. and he came up to'}, {'start': '429.840', 'end': '434.800', 'text': "me and the first sentence he's ever said"}, {'start': '431.599', 'end': '435.880', 'text': 'to me is, "Hey, what part of America are'}, {'start': '434.800', 'end': '438.400', 'text': 'you'}, {'start': '435.880', 'end': '440.400', 'text': 'from?" And I was hilarious because I was'}, {'start': '438.400', 'end': '441.919', 'text': 'like, "What are you talking about?" And'}, {'start': '440.400', 'end': '444.960', 'text': 'it was a key way talking to a French'}, {'start': '441.919', 'end': '448.240', 'text': 'girl in Dublin, Ireland. So that that is'}, {'start': '444.960', 'end': '450.960', 'text': 'one of those kind of key memories that I'}, {'start': '448.240', 'end': '452.639', 'text': "will forever cherish. And then there's"}, {'start': '450.960', 'end': '455.360', 'text': 'another one and also a very kind of'}, {'start': '452.639', 'end': '457.840', 'text': 'solemn moment which was our wedding 11'}, {'start': '455.360', 'end': '460.080', 'text': 'years later. We took a we took our time'}, {'start': '457.840', 'end': '462.479', 'text': 'to to get married and you know it was a'}, {'start': '460.080', 'end': '464.880', 'text': 'conscious deliberated choice to do that'}, {'start': '462.479', 'end': '467.039', 'text': 'later in our life. But at the moment of'}, {'start': '464.880', 'end': '469.440', 'text': 'his vows I had no idea what it was going'}, {'start': '467.039', 'end': '472.160', 'text': "to say. It was about let's just make our"}, {'start': '469.440', 'end': '476.879', 'text': 'own vows for each other. And he started'}, {'start': '472.160', 'end': '479.599', 'text': 'his vows saying after 3 weeks of dating'}, {'start': '476.879', 'end': '482.240', 'text': 'this girl when she saw the pimple on my'}, {'start': '479.599', 'end': '485.759', 'text': 'nose and needed to squeeze it I knew she'}, {'start': '482.240', 'end': '487.680', 'text': 'was the girl for me and I loved it.'}, {'start': '485.759', 'end': '490.560', 'text': 'because there was no wedding and he said'}, {'start': '487.680', 'end': '492.319', 'text': 'that and and he just summed it up so'}, {'start': '490.560', 'end': '495.199', 'text': "well because it's something he never"}, {'start': '492.319', 'end': '497.199', 'text': 'shared with me but it was so true and I'}, {'start': '495.199', 'end': '499.120', 'text': 'think it was that moment where for him'}, {'start': '497.199', 'end': '502.560', 'text': 'it was a true moment saying oh my god'}, {'start': '499.120', 'end': '504.800', 'text': 'that person is that person and and yeah'}, {'start': '502.560', 'end': '506.800', 'text': "so it's pretty cool and you know there's"}, {'start': '504.800', 'end': '510.400', 'text': 'many many but these are two of probably'}, {'start': '506.800', 'end': '512.440', 'text': "my favorite ones it's so precious I love"}, {'start': '510.400', 'end': '516.479', 'text': 'that really'}, {'start': '512.440', 'end': '516.479', 'text': 'cool up great vows'}, {'start': '517.880', 'end': '524.720', 'text': 'So yeah, I having that memory of Dave'}, {'start': '521.279', 'end': '527.120', 'text': 'and then you mentioned about you know he'}, {'start': '524.720', 'end': '530.480', 'text': 'went out he was out what did he went out'}, {'start': '527.120', 'end': '533.360', 'text': 'for the day what was he doing and I mean'}, {'start': '530.480', 'end': '536.000', 'text': "we don't need to go into all the I think"}, {'start': '533.360', 'end': '539.360', 'text': "it's important let's tell us but I think"}, {'start': '536.000', 'end': '541.440', 'text': 'maybe focusing on your experience when'}, {'start': '539.360', 'end': '545.360', 'text': 'receiving the news what happened in the'}, {'start': '541.440', 'end': '547.680', 'text': 'next 24 48 hours um what was that you'}, {'start': '545.360', 'end': '549.440', 'text': 'know that crunch time for for you and'}, {'start': '547.680', 'end': '551.519', 'text': 'your and your family? Yeah. Know I think'}, {'start': '549.440', 'end': '553.519', 'text': "it's really important to to to set the"}, {'start': '551.519', 'end': '557.120', 'text': 'scene here and and explain the context'}, {'start': '553.519', 'end': '558.959', 'text': 'because um every life is different,'}, {'start': '557.120', 'end': '563.200', 'text': 'everybody is different and every deaths'}, {'start': '558.959', 'end': '565.040', 'text': 'are different. So we we decided as a'}, {'start': '563.200', 'end': '567.519', 'text': 'family with our two children, Charlie'}, {'start': '565.040', 'end': '570.240', 'text': 'and Oliver, to go and live in France to'}, {'start': '567.519', 'end': '571.920', 'text': 'reconnect with my culture, with my'}, {'start': '570.240', 'end': '574.800', 'text': 'family, with the language for the boys'}, {'start': '571.920', 'end': '577.360', 'text': 'and for Dave as well. and we both'}, {'start': '574.800', 'end': '579.200', 'text': 'decided to uh go and live in the Alps'}, {'start': '577.360', 'end': '582.160', 'text': 'because we had this passion for the'}, {'start': '579.200', 'end': '584.640', 'text': 'outdoors and wanted to go skiing. And'}, {'start': '582.160', 'end': '587.440', 'text': 'Dave started skiing in New Zealand when'}, {'start': '584.640', 'end': '589.920', 'text': 'he was 30 because he always wanted to go'}, {'start': '587.440', 'end': '592.640', 'text': "ski touring. It's a beautiful way of of"}, {'start': '589.920', 'end': '594.880', 'text': 'exploring nature and to see those'}, {'start': '592.640', 'end': '597.200', 'text': "mountains in the winter and it's you"}, {'start': '594.880', 'end': '599.760', 'text': 'know exercising as well as just'}, {'start': '597.200', 'end': '601.760', 'text': 'exploring which is just beautiful. and'}, {'start': '599.760', 'end': '604.000', 'text': 'we were in France and he was really'}, {'start': '601.760', 'end': '607.040', 'text': 'getting into ski terrain and there was'}, {'start': '604.000', 'end': '609.839', 'text': 'going to be a a beautiful weather patch'}, {'start': '607.040', 'end': '612.800', 'text': 'before a more stormy front coming and'}, {'start': '609.839', 'end': '616.480', 'text': 'that day he said, "Hey, I\'m going to go.'}, {'start': '612.800', 'end': '619.120', 'text': 'You go see that surgeon cuz I had'}, {'start': '616.480', 'end': '621.279', 'text': 'reptile my anterior cryet ligament, my'}, {'start': '619.120', 'end': '623.360', 'text': 'ACL, the the worst thing you can do when'}, {'start': '621.279', 'end': '625.839', 'text': 'you\'re a skier." And I was gonna go and'}, {'start': '623.360', 'end': '628.240', 'text': 'seek a second opinion somewhere. And'}, {'start': '625.839', 'end': '629.760', 'text': 'Dave being a bloke said, "You know, you'}, {'start': '628.240', 'end': '632.640', 'text': "do your thing. I'm just going to do"}, {'start': '629.760', 'end': '635.200', 'text': 'mine." And it\'s the perfect opportunity.'}, {'start': '632.640', 'end': '636.880', 'text': 'And so we he told me, we discussed about'}, {'start': '635.200', 'end': '639.360', 'text': 'where he would be going on the map, cuz'}, {'start': '636.880', 'end': '641.680', 'text': 'we would always do, and what time he'}, {'start': '639.360', 'end': '644.000', 'text': 'would be likely to be arriving where he'}, {'start': '641.680', 'end': '646.160', 'text': 'wanted to go. And he left that morning'}, {'start': '644.000', 'end': '647.760', 'text': 'probably at 4:00 a.m. and parked at the'}, {'start': '646.160', 'end': '649.519', 'text': 'what we call at the end of the valley,'}, {'start': '647.760', 'end': '653.760', 'text': 'which is where the road leads. And then'}, {'start': '649.519', 'end': '656.160', 'text': 'you can just take off. And at probably 9'}, {'start': '653.760', 'end': '658.959', 'text': 'or 9:30 that morning, he had already'}, {'start': '656.160', 'end': '660.399', 'text': 'reached um that destination. So he'}, {'start': '658.959', 'end': '662.399', 'text': 'called me and he said, "Hey, I\'m already'}, {'start': '660.399', 'end': '664.800', 'text': "there. I'm going to keep going because"}, {'start': '662.399', 'end': '666.720', 'text': 'it\'s just a stunning." It was a bluebird'}, {'start': '664.800', 'end': '668.959', 'text': 'day. Stunning, beautiful day. And he was'}, {'start': '666.720', 'end': '670.240', 'text': 'just loving it. And he said, "I\'m just'}, {'start': '668.959', 'end': '672.320', 'text': "going to go that way and then I don't"}, {'start': '670.240', 'end': '674.880', 'text': "know whether I'll just contour the the"}, {'start': '672.320', 'end': '676.880', 'text': "the mountain or I'll just take up to"}, {'start': '674.880', 'end': '678.800', 'text': "reach because there's a big ski resort"}, {'start': '676.880', 'end': '681.120', 'text': 'next to us. so he could be reaching some'}, {'start': '678.800', 'end': '683.440', 'text': 'lifts and and taking the the results'}, {'start': '681.120', 'end': '686.399', 'text': 'back down, which is an easier way. So'}, {'start': '683.440', 'end': '689.200', 'text': 'that was it. And I just said, "Sure." I'}, {'start': '686.399', 'end': '692.240', 'text': 'took I took off to drive to the'}, {'start': '689.200', 'end': '693.839', 'text': "surgeon's appointment and knew that I"}, {'start': '692.240', 'end': '695.680', 'text': 'were not going to be hearing for him for'}, {'start': '693.839', 'end': '698.079', 'text': 'a while, but it was the plan that he'}, {'start': '695.680', 'end': '700.720', 'text': 'would come to school be about back at'}, {'start': '698.079', 'end': '704.240', 'text': "about 4 at the latest and he didn't come"}, {'start': '700.720', 'end': '706.240', 'text': 'back. and me being kind of dress'}, {'start': '704.240', 'end': '708.240', 'text': "trusting that he knows what he's doing."}, {'start': '706.240', 'end': '710.000', 'text': 'I just try to not worry too much and'}, {'start': '708.240', 'end': '712.880', 'text': 'say, "Oh, maybe he\'s taken a longer'}, {'start': '710.000', 'end': '714.560', 'text': 'route or he maybe even hit hiking back'}, {'start': '712.880', 'end': '716.640', 'text': "and it's a 2-hour drive to come back"}, {'start': '714.560', 'end': '718.320', 'text': 'from back of that mountain." But he'}, {'start': '716.640', 'end': '720.079', 'text': "didn't come back and I was just not"}, {'start': '718.320', 'end': '721.920', 'text': "sure. And in those moments, you don't"}, {'start': '720.079', 'end': '724.880', 'text': "want to know. You don't want to feel"}, {'start': '721.920', 'end': '726.880', 'text': "like you're, you know, wearing wood,"}, {'start': '724.880', 'end': '729.519', 'text': "like you don't want to be like um"}, {'start': '726.880', 'end': '731.440', 'text': 'exaggerating. and and I was talking to a'}, {'start': '729.519', 'end': '733.440', 'text': "friend saying it's a bit weird and he"}, {'start': '731.440', 'end': '735.600', 'text': 'said no call the call the police like'}, {'start': '733.440', 'end': '736.959', 'text': "call so there's a in France there's two"}, {'start': '735.600', 'end': '739.680', 'text': "types of police there's police and"}, {'start': '736.959', 'end': '741.200', 'text': "there's the jeando which is um a"}, {'start': '739.680', 'end': '743.360', 'text': 'separate entity which is part of the'}, {'start': '741.200', 'end': '745.440', 'text': 'military and they are really trained to'}, {'start': '743.360', 'end': '748.639', 'text': 'work into the the mountainous high'}, {'start': '745.440', 'end': '750.480', 'text': 'country area and I called them and it'}, {'start': '748.639', 'end': '752.560', 'text': 'was oh you know and they took me'}, {'start': '750.480', 'end': '755.279', 'text': 'seriously which was good but you feel a'}, {'start': '752.560', 'end': '758.240', 'text': 'little bit a little bit weird but so'}, {'start': '755.279', 'end': '760.160', 'text': "it's not like someone called me and"}, {'start': '758.240', 'end': '762.639', 'text': 'said, "There\'s been an accident." It was'}, {'start': '760.160', 'end': '765.519', 'text': 'more like, "Okay, where is Dave? Dave\'s'}, {'start': '762.639', 'end': '767.200', 'text': 'not back. Dave, where is Dave?" And I'}, {'start': '765.519', 'end': '769.279', 'text': 'was like, "No, it\'s okay. It\'s okay."'}, {'start': '767.200', 'end': '771.639', 'text': 'You know, and really trying to make'}, {'start': '769.279', 'end': '774.639', 'text': 'things just trying to stay calm and'}, {'start': '771.639', 'end': '776.880', 'text': 'positive and knowing the type of person'}, {'start': '774.639', 'end': '778.800', 'text': "he's not, you know, a risky like he"}, {'start': '776.880', 'end': '782.160', 'text': "doesn't take irresponsible risks and"}, {'start': '778.800', 'end': '785.920', 'text': 'things like this. So, but no news. And'}, {'start': '782.160', 'end': '788.800', 'text': 'that was probably the longest night um'}, {'start': '785.920', 'end': '790.399', 'text': "in my life because we didn't have any"}, {'start': '788.800', 'end': '792.959', 'text': "news. We didn't know. But I was hopeful"}, {'start': '790.399', 'end': '795.120', 'text': 'that he would be waiting for the next'}, {'start': '792.959', 'end': '797.680', 'text': 'morning to catch the lift to get back to'}, {'start': '795.120', 'end': '799.680', 'text': 'the resort. And so I I had that hope'}, {'start': '797.680', 'end': '801.760', 'text': 'that I was clinging on to. And on the'}, {'start': '799.680', 'end': '803.600', 'text': 'Saturday morning, of course, the resort,'}, {'start': '801.760', 'end': '805.839', 'text': 'everybody was aware, let let us know as'}, {'start': '803.600', 'end': '808.560', 'text': 'soon as he scans his pass. And but he'}, {'start': '805.839', 'end': '811.519', 'text': 'never scanned his bass and he never'}, {'start': '808.560', 'end': '813.519', 'text': 'turned up at the resort. And the search'}, {'start': '811.519', 'end': '816.560', 'text': "went on because we didn't know where he"}, {'start': '813.519', 'end': '818.639', 'text': "was. So I had some ideas but we didn't"}, {'start': '816.560', 'end': '820.480', 'text': 'know. And that was the for me the the'}, {'start': '818.639', 'end': '822.399', 'text': 'hardest thing is that that weight. And'}, {'start': '820.480', 'end': '824.880', 'text': 'so you say what are the next 24 hours'}, {'start': '822.399', 'end': '827.880', 'text': 'and 48 hours is that well when does'}, {'start': '824.880', 'end': '831.200', 'text': 'grief start? Does it start when the'}, {'start': '827.880', 'end': '833.600', 'text': "person's not being found or when you"}, {'start': '831.200', 'end': '837.040', 'text': "have confirmation that they're dead? you"}, {'start': '833.600', 'end': '840.399', 'text': 'know, and I think it was actually harder'}, {'start': '837.040', 'end': '842.399', 'text': 'not knowing and that hope, but it was'}, {'start': '840.399', 'end': '846.639', 'text': 'surreal at the same time. You know, you'}, {'start': '842.399', 'end': '848.160', 'text': "just kind of get into that um mode. It's"}, {'start': '846.639', 'end': '850.079', 'text': "like in the movies. It's like, you know,"}, {'start': '848.160', 'end': '852.240', 'text': 'we had the helicopter and the sniffer'}, {'start': '850.079', 'end': '854.320', 'text': 'dogs and we had the research parties and'}, {'start': '852.240', 'end': '856.240', 'text': 'then some of my friends gathered and'}, {'start': '854.320', 'end': '858.320', 'text': 'said, "Okay, we can go." And then the'}, {'start': '856.240', 'end': '860.160', 'text': 'police captain says, "Well, be careful.'}, {'start': '858.320', 'end': '862.480', 'text': "We don't want any other accident on top"}, {'start': '860.160', 'end': '865.120', 'text': 'of an accident." And blahy blahy blah.'}, {'start': '862.480', 'end': '867.680', 'text': 'and like oh so yeah so that was a bit of'}, {'start': '865.120', 'end': '869.839', 'text': 'a it was not a bit it was it was a hell'}, {'start': '867.680', 'end': '875.040', 'text': 'of a journey'}, {'start': '869.839', 'end': '878.480', 'text': 'and on the Sunday afternoon we found him'}, {'start': '875.040', 'end': '881.760', 'text': 'so and it was luckily in a way it was'}, {'start': '878.480', 'end': '883.519', 'text': "two of my friends who paired who didn't"}, {'start': '881.760', 'end': '886.079', 'text': "know each other but we're competing to"}, {'start': '883.519', 'end': '888.000', 'text': 'be going into the high country with with'}, {'start': '886.079', 'end': '889.839', 'text': 'the same with the right equipment and'}, {'start': '888.000', 'end': '891.199', 'text': "only a few could go cuz it's not one of"}, {'start': '889.839', 'end': '893.440', 'text': 'those big searches where the whole'}, {'start': '891.199', 'end': '895.199', 'text': 'village joins because it was it could'}, {'start': '893.440', 'end': '896.480', 'text': 'have been a treacherous place. It'}, {'start': '895.199', 'end': '898.079', 'text': "happened. It wasn't. It wasn't a"}, {'start': '896.480', 'end': '901.680', 'text': "treacherous place. And no, it wasn't an"}, {'start': '898.079', 'end': '904.480', 'text': 'avalanche. But thanks to them finding'}, {'start': '901.680', 'end': '906.480', 'text': 'Dave through working out places and'}, {'start': '904.480', 'end': '908.000', 'text': 'working out what may have happened, they'}, {'start': '906.480', 'end': '911.199', 'text': "figured out that he'd fallen off the"}, {'start': '908.000', 'end': '912.959', 'text': 'cliffs. And so they initially saw some'}, {'start': '911.199', 'end': '914.560', 'text': "tracks that didn't go anywhere. And he's"}, {'start': '912.959', 'end': '916.480', 'text': 'like, "Well, if he\'s fallen off, it\'s in'}, {'start': '914.560', 'end': '919.440', 'text': 'that way." And the only way to find out'}, {'start': '916.480', 'end': '921.440', 'text': 'is to go down. And so they bravely took'}, {'start': '919.440', 'end': '923.600', 'text': 'their skis down and walked. And then'}, {'start': '921.440', 'end': '927.639', 'text': 'they found his body about 80 mters down.'}, {'start': '923.600', 'end': '931.040', 'text': "So he'd fallen to his death and it he"}, {'start': '927.639', 'end': '934.320', 'text': 'from well we found out later and I knew'}, {'start': '931.040', 'end': '937.040', 'text': 'it in a way it went like this. It went'}, {'start': '934.320', 'end': '939.839', 'text': 'like this and so it was confirmed by you'}, {'start': '937.040', 'end': '942.240', 'text': 'know the autopsy and so forth. But'}, {'start': '939.839', 'end': '945.839', 'text': 'interestingly it was also something I'}, {'start': '942.240', 'end': '947.199', 'text': 'knew. You know, you I think I think'}, {'start': '945.839', 'end': '948.800', 'text': "maybe I don't know if it's that first"}, {'start': '947.199', 'end': '951.440', 'text': 'night, but the night between Saturday'}, {'start': '948.800', 'end': '954.639', 'text': 'and Sunday, I had the splashes in my'}, {'start': '951.440', 'end': '957.680', 'text': 'dream, in my sleep, and I could I could'}, {'start': '954.639', 'end': '959.079', 'text': "feel that he'd fallen, you know. So,"}, {'start': '957.680', 'end': '962.320', 'text': 'yeah. And'}, {'start': '959.079', 'end': '965.279', 'text': 'uh and you Yeah, I mean, I was getting'}, {'start': '962.320', 'end': '967.440', 'text': "myself ready, but it's it's when the"}, {'start': '965.279', 'end': '970.000', 'text': 'friend your friend called you, it was a'}, {'start': '967.440', 'end': '972.079', 'text': "reassurance. I was relieved that they'd"}, {'start': '970.000', 'end': '973.680', 'text': 'found him because I feel for these'}, {'start': '972.079', 'end': '976.560', 'text': 'people who never recover their loved'}, {'start': '973.680', 'end': '979.839', 'text': 'ones bodies. For me, you know, it was'}, {'start': '976.560', 'end': '982.360', 'text': "like he's here, we've got him, it's too"}, {'start': '979.839', 'end': '986.079', 'text': "late, he's dead, but I'm like, okay."}, {'start': '982.360', 'end': '989.399', 'text': "But it's um yeah, I get the emotions"}, {'start': '986.079', 'end': '989.399', 'text': "because it's"}, {'start': '990.160', 'end': '995.920', 'text': "it's a strange"}, {'start': '991.720', 'end': '997.680', 'text': 'strange place to be in that waiting and'}, {'start': '995.920', 'end': '1000.560', 'text': "for people who haven't been in that"}, {'start': '997.680', 'end': '1004.959', 'text': 'space, I imagine it does sound quite'}, {'start': '1000.560', 'end': '1007.440', 'text': "strange to say that it's a relief, but"}, {'start': '1004.959', 'end': '1011.199', 'text': "that does mean that, you know, you've"}, {'start': '1007.440', 'end': '1015.440', 'text': 'gone from this unknown to a known and'}, {'start': '1011.199', 'end': '1017.360', 'text': "It's almost like a okay we know this now"}, {'start': '1015.440', 'end': '1020.240', 'text': "now I can grieve. That's it. It's like"}, {'start': '1017.360', 'end': '1022.800', 'text': 'the process can start. If you if you'}, {'start': '1020.240', 'end': '1024.720', 'text': 'live in that uncertainty and the unknown'}, {'start': '1022.800', 'end': '1027.839', 'text': "it's really really difficult if someone"}, {'start': '1024.720', 'end': '1030.480', 'text': 'disappears from life and never is found.'}, {'start': '1027.839', 'end': '1032.959', 'text': 'You always have I guess that hope but'}, {'start': '1030.480', 'end': '1036.720', 'text': "yeah as you said it's that the starting"}, {'start': '1032.959', 'end': '1038.480', 'text': "point. Okay. And and it's almost like,"}, {'start': '1036.720', 'end': '1040.319', 'text': 'you know, it sounds a bit cliche, but'}, {'start': '1038.480', 'end': '1041.520', 'text': "then it's it's the start of a new"}, {'start': '1040.319', 'end': '1044.000', 'text': "journey, you know, it's like you can"}, {'start': '1041.520', 'end': '1045.760', 'text': "start again. And it's it's almost and"}, {'start': '1044.000', 'end': '1047.760', 'text': "once again, it sounds cliche, but it's"}, {'start': '1045.760', 'end': '1050.720', 'text': "it's the moment my life started again."}, {'start': '1047.760', 'end': '1054.000', 'text': "It's it was a rebirth and it was just it"}, {'start': '1050.720', 'end': '1057.280', 'text': 'was weird. A completely new chapter that'}, {'start': '1054.000', 'end': '1059.760', 'text': "started. I've always been thinking about"}, {'start': '1057.280', 'end': '1062.320', 'text': 'those people who are sick for a long'}, {'start': '1059.760', 'end': '1064.320', 'text': 'time before they pass and and how we'}, {'start': '1062.320', 'end': '1066.320', 'text': 'sometimes feel like death is is a'}, {'start': '1064.320', 'end': '1069.120', 'text': "delivery, you know, like it's finally"}, {'start': '1066.320', 'end': '1071.840', 'text': "they are free and and we feel that we're"}, {'start': '1069.120', 'end': '1075.840', 'text': 'relieved in a way that relief. But I'}, {'start': '1071.840', 'end': '1078.000', 'text': 'also found um peace in the fact to that'}, {'start': '1075.840', 'end': '1081.919', 'text': 'he he just went like that. And so he'}, {'start': '1078.000', 'end': '1084.400', 'text': "didn't have um the long months of of"}, {'start': '1081.919', 'end': '1085.720', 'text': "chemotherapy if it's cancer or the long"}, {'start': '1084.400', 'end': '1088.640', 'text': 'months of'}, {'start': '1085.720', 'end': '1091.360', 'text': "and you just can't compare. You just"}, {'start': '1088.640', 'end': '1092.880', 'text': "can't I I didn't get to say goodbye. I"}, {'start': '1091.360', 'end': '1095.440', 'text': "didn't get to say anything. I didn't get"}, {'start': '1092.880', 'end': '1097.600', 'text': 'to and he just died like that. But at'}, {'start': '1095.440', 'end': '1101.360', 'text': "the same time, I'm like, well, I'm happy"}, {'start': '1097.600', 'end': '1105.280', 'text': 'for him. Bastard. He had the best death.'}, {'start': '1101.360', 'end': '1107.120', 'text': "I mean, to just go like that. He didn't"}, {'start': '1105.280', 'end': '1109.679', 'text': 'even know himself. I mean, this is'}, {'start': '1107.120', 'end': '1112.960', 'text': "beautiful and it's given me peace. It's"}, {'start': '1109.679', 'end': '1115.360', 'text': 'given me peace to think, wow, dying'}, {'start': '1112.960', 'end': '1118.559', 'text': 'there doing what he wanted and he'}, {'start': '1115.360', 'end': '1120.799', 'text': "probably didn't really realize what was"}, {'start': '1118.559', 'end': '1124.000', 'text': 'happening. And and sometimes, you know,'}, {'start': '1120.799', 'end': '1126.080', 'text': "it's hard for us, but I think it's it's"}, {'start': '1124.000', 'end': '1129.919', 'text': "at least it's a good thing when you can"}, {'start': '1126.080', 'end': '1132.400', 'text': 'at least find some relief about the'}, {'start': '1129.919', 'end': '1135.039', 'text': "deceased one that he's at peace and that"}, {'start': '1132.400', 'end': '1138.480', 'text': 'was okay, you know.'}, {'start': '1135.039', 'end': '1141.200', 'text': 'And you mentioned in just before about'}, {'start': '1138.480', 'end': '1145.039', 'text': 'he died doing something that he loved or'}, {'start': '1141.200', 'end': '1147.440', 'text': 'he enjoyed. And I know for me, I wonder'}, {'start': '1145.039', 'end': '1151.760', 'text': 'if you always felt that that way because'}, {'start': '1147.440', 'end': '1153.919', 'text': 'for me one of my losses was a case of he'}, {'start': '1151.760', 'end': '1156.760', 'text': 'died doing something that he loved. But'}, {'start': '1153.919', 'end': '1161.120', 'text': 'for me in the early days that was almost'}, {'start': '1156.760', 'end': '1163.440', 'text': 'like I almost found that offensive like'}, {'start': '1161.120', 'end': '1166.600', 'text': "I don't care. they still gone and that"}, {'start': '1163.440', 'end': '1169.760', 'text': 'is really a sucky thing for me to be'}, {'start': '1166.600', 'end': '1171.360', 'text': 'facing. So I wonder did and I know that'}, {'start': '1169.760', 'end': '1174.000', 'text': "everyone's experience is so so"}, {'start': '1171.360', 'end': '1176.799', 'text': "different. So, I'd be curious to hear,"}, {'start': '1174.000', 'end': '1178.559', 'text': 'did you feel that from from the start or'}, {'start': '1176.799', 'end': '1181.919', 'text': "has that been something that's evolved"}, {'start': '1178.559', 'end': '1184.080', 'text': "over these past five and it's it's very"}, {'start': '1181.919', 'end': '1186.559', 'text': 'interesting and you know some people are'}, {'start': '1184.080', 'end': '1191.200', 'text': "like but why why did he do that but he's"}, {'start': '1186.559', 'end': '1193.840', 'text': "got children why did he and I'm like hey"}, {'start': '1191.200', 'end': '1198.559', 'text': "like he's always done those things and"}, {'start': '1193.840', 'end': '1200.559', 'text': 'and bloke bloody he would go hunting for'}, {'start': '1198.559', 'end': '1202.559', 'text': 'the day and and then over there he would'}, {'start': '1200.559', 'end': '1204.720', 'text': 'just go for a walk and it ended up being'}, {'start': '1202.559', 'end': '1208.240', 'text': 'a massive [\xa0__\xa0] of hours and he would'}, {'start': '1204.720', 'end': '1210.640', 'text': 'just be always amazing me and and it I'}, {'start': '1208.240', 'end': '1214.080', 'text': "didn't find that he was selfish or"}, {'start': '1210.640', 'end': '1216.400', 'text': 'irresponsible to do that and and I think'}, {'start': '1214.080', 'end': '1219.919', 'text': "that's helped as well is he didn't want"}, {'start': '1216.400', 'end': '1222.320', 'text': 'to die you know and I think if he could'}, {'start': '1219.919', 'end': '1224.000', 'text': 'have chosen then and there press A or'}, {'start': '1222.320', 'end': '1227.919', 'text': 'press you know he would have probably'}, {'start': '1224.000', 'end': '1232.320', 'text': "kept going and come home but it's yeah"}, {'start': '1227.919', 'end': '1235.520', 'text': "it's I find that It's it's okay that he"}, {'start': '1232.320', 'end': '1238.320', 'text': "was doing what he loved and I'm not I'm"}, {'start': '1235.520', 'end': '1241.280', 'text': "not remorseful. It's Yeah. And I think"}, {'start': '1238.320', 'end': '1246.080', 'text': 'it it has helped making it just'}, {'start': '1241.280', 'end': '1250.880', 'text': 'accepting the circumstances. Yeah.'}, {'start': '1246.080', 'end': '1255.600', 'text': 'So after that day, what did the next few'}, {'start': '1250.880', 'end': '1259.440', 'text': 'weeks and months or even years look like'}, {'start': '1255.600', 'end': '1261.280', 'text': "for for you and and your family? So it's"}, {'start': '1259.440', 'end': '1263.919', 'text': 'very interesting because we were not'}, {'start': '1261.280', 'end': '1265.840', 'text': 'home you know I was not in my life we'}, {'start': '1263.919', 'end': '1268.080', 'text': 'were not in that kind of daily kids go'}, {'start': '1265.840', 'end': '1271.200', 'text': 'to school bloody b we were kids were at'}, {'start': '1268.080', 'end': '1274.159', 'text': 'school but we were in France and it was'}, {'start': '1271.200', 'end': '1276.559', 'text': 'going to be a just an experience for'}, {'start': '1274.159', 'end': '1278.880', 'text': 'about a year or so and we were 10 months'}, {'start': '1276.559', 'end': '1282.000', 'text': "into it. So I'm also grateful and happy"}, {'start': '1278.880', 'end': '1284.919', 'text': 'that he had 10 months of awesome French'}, {'start': '1282.000', 'end': '1287.840', 'text': 'life and eating'}, {'start': '1284.919', 'end': '1290.799', 'text': "beautifully because that's the hard"}, {'start': '1287.840', 'end': '1293.120', 'text': "thing is like I felt like oh what I'm"}, {'start': '1290.799', 'end': '1296.559', 'text': 'not even you know like so I was not with'}, {'start': '1293.120', 'end': '1299.760', 'text': 'my family we but I mean my friends and'}, {'start': '1296.559', 'end': '1302.559', 'text': 'family could come and support me. Um,'}, {'start': '1299.760', 'end': '1304.559', 'text': 'but it was really, really bizarre. And'}, {'start': '1302.559', 'end': '1309.760', 'text': "I'm just going to jump in time a little"}, {'start': '1304.559', 'end': '1312.240', 'text': 'bit, but very quickly I had the need to'}, {'start': '1309.760', 'end': '1314.640', 'text': 'buy my return tickets to come home to'}, {'start': '1312.240', 'end': '1316.240', 'text': 'Christ Church and and to have a date and'}, {'start': '1314.640', 'end': '1319.360', 'text': 'to say, "Okay, well, this was the plan.'}, {'start': '1316.240', 'end': '1322.720', 'text': 'Let\'s carry on with the plan." And and'}, {'start': '1319.360', 'end': '1326.320', 'text': 'then that I think it gave me a a vision'}, {'start': '1322.720', 'end': '1329.039', 'text': 'forward. It just gave me a goal, a date.'}, {'start': '1326.320', 'end': '1331.360', 'text': 'And then subsequently I I actually had a'}, {'start': '1329.039', 'end': '1333.280', 'text': 'few other key things that happened. I'}, {'start': '1331.360', 'end': '1335.679', 'text': 'went on with my surgery because it was'}, {'start': '1333.280', 'end': '1338.000', 'text': 'planned. We had given a date and and yes'}, {'start': '1335.679', 'end': '1341.600', 'text': 'that second opinion was yes you should'}, {'start': '1338.000', 'end': '1344.480', 'text': 'get it done and we had one pencil then'}, {'start': '1341.600', 'end': '1347.679', 'text': 'that Dave knew about and I just needed'}, {'start': '1344.480', 'end': '1349.000', 'text': 'to go on with that and I did and so I'}, {'start': '1347.679', 'end': '1352.720', 'text': 'think quickly'}, {'start': '1349.000', 'end': '1355.280', 'text': 'having you know dates and things to to'}, {'start': '1352.720', 'end': '1357.039', 'text': 'be not necessarily looking forward to. I'}, {'start': '1355.280', 'end': '1360.000', 'text': "wasn't looking forward to being unable"}, {'start': '1357.039', 'end': '1362.559', 'text': 'to walk and and have to do it all, but'}, {'start': '1360.000', 'end': '1364.799', 'text': 'things to aim for. What happened'}, {'start': '1362.559', 'end': '1368.159', 'text': 'immediately after he passed was'}, {'start': '1364.799', 'end': '1372.080', 'text': "surprising me. I I didn't do I didn't"}, {'start': '1368.159', 'end': '1376.559', 'text': 'behave in that kind of expected or'}, {'start': '1372.080', 'end': '1379.039', 'text': 'cliche way of the morning widow'}, {'start': '1376.559', 'end': '1381.280', 'text': 'um not able to do anything with two'}, {'start': '1379.039', 'end': '1383.600', 'text': 'children. And I guess this is maybe'}, {'start': '1381.280', 'end': '1387.760', 'text': 'where where my my true nature stepped'}, {'start': '1383.600', 'end': '1389.760', 'text': "out. But I'm like, okay, right action."}, {'start': '1387.760', 'end': '1392.679', 'text': 'And I mean, initially you are on'}, {'start': '1389.760', 'end': '1395.280', 'text': "adrenaline. What's going on is"}, {'start': '1392.679', 'end': '1396.440', 'text': "unfathomable. Just so you're just going"}, {'start': '1395.280', 'end': '1399.200', 'text': 'out to on'}, {'start': '1396.440', 'end': '1403.120', 'text': 'autopilot. But very quickly on I was'}, {'start': '1399.200', 'end': '1405.039', 'text': 'like, we need to have um colors. We need'}, {'start': '1403.120', 'end': '1407.280', 'text': 'to have him, you know, celebrate his'}, {'start': '1405.039', 'end': '1408.799', 'text': 'life. And we everybody needs to live'}, {'start': '1407.280', 'end': '1410.640', 'text': "life to the fullest. And that's kind of"}, {'start': '1408.799', 'end': '1413.039', 'text': "what came to me straight away. It's"}, {'start': '1410.640', 'end': '1415.360', 'text': 'like, "Oh my god, he\'s just Why did he'}, {'start': '1413.039', 'end': '1418.720', 'text': 'have to die to let us know and to remind'}, {'start': '1415.360', 'end': '1422.159', 'text': 'us? We we all know already." But and and'}, {'start': '1418.720', 'end': '1424.400', 'text': 'I just wanted that to be a celebration'}, {'start': '1422.159', 'end': '1426.320', 'text': 'when we say a funeral is a celebration'}, {'start': '1424.400', 'end': '1428.880', 'text': "of someone's life. And I think it's it's"}, {'start': '1426.320', 'end': '1431.480', 'text': 'a celebration. And I asked people to'}, {'start': '1428.880', 'end': '1434.000', 'text': 'wear their brightest, you know,'}, {'start': '1431.480', 'end': '1436.400', 'text': 'mountaineering winter clothes. and and'}, {'start': '1434.000', 'end': '1439.120', 'text': 'we did a big walk and we we were where'}, {'start': '1436.400', 'end': '1442.640', 'text': 'he started his his walk from and'}, {'start': '1439.120', 'end': '1445.679', 'text': 'surrounded by mountains in the snow and'}, {'start': '1442.640', 'end': '1448.080', 'text': 'for some reason in the warps of France I'}, {'start': '1445.679', 'end': '1450.799', 'text': 'managed to find a huge New Zealand flag'}, {'start': '1448.080', 'end': '1453.760', 'text': "and and I'm up on the table there and"}, {'start': '1450.799', 'end': '1456.000', 'text': 'waving that flag and and we and we'}, {'start': '1453.760', 'end': '1458.159', 'text': "danced and we sang and it's very"}, {'start': '1456.000', 'end': '1461.600', 'text': 'interesting because the you know how I'}, {'start': '1458.159', 'end': '1464.159', 'text': 'said I had those flashes at night very'}, {'start': '1461.600', 'end': '1467.200', 'text': 'quickly in a couple of few days after he'}, {'start': '1464.159', 'end': '1469.600', 'text': 'passed and I knew he was dead like I had'}, {'start': '1467.200', 'end': '1472.080', 'text': "some songs I had some and I'm like oh"}, {'start': '1469.600', 'end': '1474.880', 'text': "he's just giving me or I don't know he"}, {'start': '1472.080', 'end': '1477.840', 'text': "or what but that's what we need to play"}, {'start': '1474.880', 'end': '1480.159', 'text': 'and it was beautiful because a song that'}, {'start': '1477.840', 'end': '1482.240', 'text': "I hadn't thought about for a while came"}, {'start': '1480.159', 'end': '1486.080', 'text': 'up to mind and I said we need to to sing'}, {'start': '1482.240', 'end': '1488.480', 'text': 'it and it was to my na and because we'}, {'start': '1486.080', 'end': '1491.039', 'text': "we' sung it with our kids at home and"}, {'start': '1488.480', 'end': '1493.679', 'text': "I'm like right and so next thing I think"}, {'start': '1491.039', 'end': '1495.840', 'text': 'maybe 2 three days Later I was at the'}, {'start': '1493.679', 'end': '1498.400', 'text': 'school and I was teaching all the school'}, {'start': '1495.840', 'end': '1502.320', 'text': 'children to to sing in Modi in that'}, {'start': '1498.400', 'end': '1505.440', 'text': 'little village in the in the Alps and'}, {'start': '1502.320', 'end': '1508.880', 'text': 'only later did I find the the meaning of'}, {'start': '1505.440', 'end': '1511.440', 'text': 'the the lyrics and for me very quickly'}, {'start': '1508.880', 'end': '1512.960', 'text': 'on I said listen I need you guys and I'}, {'start': '1511.440', 'end': '1514.640', 'text': 'talked to all the people the family the'}, {'start': '1512.960', 'end': '1517.039', 'text': "friends said I need you I can't do this"}, {'start': '1514.640', 'end': '1518.960', 'text': "alone let's just get together and that's"}, {'start': '1517.039', 'end': '1522.080', 'text': "what the lyrics mean it's you know"}, {'start': '1518.960', 'end': '1524.240', 'text': "together let's be together unified and"}, {'start': '1522.080', 'end': '1525.919', 'text': 'and this is where our strength is. And I'}, {'start': '1524.240', 'end': '1532.320', 'text': 'was like, "Wow, it was incredible'}, {'start': '1525.919', 'end': '1535.919', 'text': 'because I felt that need to be supported'}, {'start': '1532.320', 'end': '1538.720', 'text': 'and to be connected once again. That'}, {'start': '1535.919', 'end': '1541.279', 'text': 'strong connection came back and it was'}, {'start': '1538.720', 'end': '1544.640', 'text': 'really for me that the message is like'}, {'start': '1541.279', 'end': '1547.039', 'text': 'together we can do this, you know." And'}, {'start': '1544.640', 'end': '1549.760', 'text': "then again and of course and that's"}, {'start': '1547.039', 'end': '1553.200', 'text': "something we we've heard and a lot of us"}, {'start': '1549.760', 'end': '1557.120', 'text': "feel is love will survive and that's"}, {'start': '1553.200', 'end': '1561.840', 'text': 'like the Arohanui and so that was it. So'}, {'start': '1557.120', 'end': '1564.799', 'text': 'we we sang we sang we sang to and it was'}, {'start': '1561.840', 'end': '1567.159', 'text': 'really that kind of energy that came out'}, {'start': '1564.799', 'end': '1569.919', 'text': 'and I also wanted life to'}, {'start': '1567.159', 'end': '1573.760', 'text': 'be as normal as possible for my'}, {'start': '1569.919', 'end': '1576.240', 'text': 'children. So I was 35 and Dave was 38'}, {'start': '1573.760', 'end': '1578.559', 'text': 'and our kids were five and seven. though'}, {'start': '1576.240', 'end': '1581.039', 'text': "it's it's quite young and they were"}, {'start': '1578.559', 'end': '1583.760', 'text': 'going to school and and the day we found'}, {'start': '1581.039', 'end': '1586.240', 'text': 'Dave on the Sunday and I wanted them to'}, {'start': '1583.760', 'end': '1588.240', 'text': 'go to school on a Monday and I asked all'}, {'start': '1586.240', 'end': '1589.760', 'text': 'the parents can you all be late cuz I'}, {'start': '1588.240', 'end': '1592.880', 'text': "think we're going to be late cuz life is"}, {'start': '1589.760', 'end': '1595.039', 'text': 'a bit you know little bit and and they'}, {'start': '1592.880', 'end': '1598.159', 'text': 'did and you know we came out of the'}, {'start': '1595.039', 'end': '1600.960', 'text': "house and I'm feeling emotions coming up"}, {'start': '1598.159', 'end': '1603.360', 'text': 'that morning and there was about a dozen'}, {'start': '1600.960', 'end': '1605.039', 'text': 'parents with children and we all walked'}, {'start': '1603.360', 'end': '1606.799', 'text': "to school cuz it wasn't very far it's a"}, {'start': '1605.039', 'end': '1609.520', 'text': 'small village'}, {'start': '1606.799', 'end': '1613.120', 'text': 'and life carried on. And and then I'}, {'start': '1609.520', 'end': '1615.440', 'text': 'wanted the the celebration for for Dave'}, {'start': '1613.120', 'end': '1619.679', 'text': 'to be a big party where the children'}, {'start': '1615.440', 'end': '1621.440', 'text': 'would feel love and the comfort of not'}, {'start': '1619.679', 'end': '1624.799', 'text': 'being alone. And I think at the end of'}, {'start': '1621.440', 'end': '1626.799', 'text': 'the day when we lose someone in whatever'}, {'start': '1624.799', 'end': '1629.360', 'text': 'circumstances, we need to let ourselves'}, {'start': '1626.799', 'end': '1631.679', 'text': 'be comforted. The the consolation, we'}, {'start': '1629.360', 'end': '1634.799', 'text': 'need to be consoled. We need to be and'}, {'start': '1631.679', 'end': '1637.039', 'text': 'and let it let yourself be vulnerable.'}, {'start': '1634.799', 'end': '1641.440', 'text': 'And I was being strong and I was being'}, {'start': '1637.039', 'end': '1644.799', 'text': 'but I also just was just just fueling'}, {'start': '1641.440', 'end': '1646.880', 'text': 'myself from from everyone that was there'}, {'start': '1644.799', 'end': '1651.240', 'text': 'and that kept me going for for quite a'}, {'start': '1646.880', 'end': '1653.000', 'text': 'while. M but I did cry'}, {'start': '1651.240', 'end': '1656.720', 'text': 'so'}, {'start': '1653.000', 'end': '1659.600', 'text': "yeah and I think that I'm just I'm"}, {'start': '1656.720', 'end': '1662.880', 'text': 'having images of what that celebration'}, {'start': '1659.600', 'end': '1666.480', 'text': 'might have looked like in my mind and'}, {'start': '1662.880', 'end': '1667.880', 'text': "it's just so so vivid and alive and I"}, {'start': '1666.480', 'end': '1670.320', 'text': 'think that'}, {'start': '1667.880', 'end': '1673.120', 'text': "really I don't know whether it's a Kiwi"}, {'start': '1670.320', 'end': '1675.440', 'text': 'thing or whether it is a more global'}, {'start': '1673.120', 'end': '1679.520', 'text': 'thing but just this expectation of what'}, {'start': '1675.440', 'end': '1683.360', 'text': 'a funeral should look like and I think'}, {'start': '1679.520', 'end': '1686.399', 'text': 'yours is a fantastic example of how we'}, {'start': '1683.360', 'end': '1689.200', 'text': 'can throw out the window that idea of'}, {'start': '1686.399', 'end': '1693.360', 'text': 'sitting quietly and and black wearing'}, {'start': '1689.200', 'end': '1695.679', 'text': 'black and and just not talking and Yeah.'}, {'start': '1693.360', 'end': '1700.240', 'text': "No, it's and it's very interesting"}, {'start': '1695.679', 'end': '1702.159', 'text': 'because I I have a vague memory that we'}, {'start': '1700.240', 'end': '1703.840', 'text': 'talked with Dave about that and I said,'}, {'start': '1702.159', 'end': '1706.799', 'text': '"Hey, if I was to die or whatever, I\'d'}, {'start': '1703.840', 'end': '1709.279', 'text': 'want everybody to to to wear colors and'}, {'start': '1706.799', 'end': '1712.080', 'text': "and it it's bizarre and and that, you"}, {'start': '1709.279', 'end': '1715.919', 'text': 'know, if if you wanted me to talk later'}, {'start': '1712.080', 'end': '1717.840', 'text': 'about how prepared you are or what makes'}, {'start': '1715.919', 'end': '1720.159', 'text': "you cope or whatever, it's it's"}, {'start': '1717.840', 'end': '1721.760', 'text': 'interesting because we do have those'}, {'start': '1720.159', 'end': '1724.080', 'text': "little conversation and I think it's a"}, {'start': '1721.760', 'end': '1726.399', 'text': 'conversation we should have more openly'}, {'start': '1724.080', 'end': '1730.399', 'text': 'with everyone, you know, and to say,'}, {'start': '1726.399', 'end': '1732.919', 'text': '"Hey, if I was to die, I\'d love this."'}, {'start': '1730.399', 'end': '1735.039', 'text': 'You know, to not wait'}, {'start': '1732.919', 'end': '1737.159', 'text': "until in in that case where it's an"}, {'start': '1735.039', 'end': '1740.640', 'text': 'accident, where it is too late or'}, {'start': '1737.159', 'end': '1743.120', 'text': 'where someone is is sick or a terminal'}, {'start': '1740.640', 'end': '1745.360', 'text': "illness. And in that case, it's it's"}, {'start': '1743.120', 'end': '1748.080', 'text': "something that's you're forced to talk"}, {'start': '1745.360', 'end': '1750.399', 'text': 'about and it is definitely well, from my'}, {'start': '1748.080', 'end': '1753.760', 'text': 'experience, is not fun at all. Um'}, {'start': '1750.399', 'end': '1755.840', 'text': "whereas if you're like you know just"}, {'start': '1753.760', 'end': '1757.679', 'text': 'kind of in your normal life and normal'}, {'start': '1755.840', 'end': '1760.480', 'text': 'routine happen to have a conversation'}, {'start': '1757.679', 'end': '1763.279', 'text': 'about it and you never know how how'}, {'start': '1760.480', 'end': '1764.880', 'text': 'powerful and valuable that that'}, {'start': '1763.279', 'end': '1767.360', 'text': 'conversation could be. Yeah. And if that'}, {'start': '1764.880', 'end': '1769.440', 'text': 'person is really ill you can you can'}, {'start': '1767.360', 'end': '1772.279', 'text': "just say hey you know it's that's really"}, {'start': '1769.440', 'end': '1775.480', 'text': "what you want isn't it? But also to"}, {'start': '1772.279', 'end': '1779.919', 'text': 'take to take the the'}, {'start': '1775.480', 'end': '1782.000', 'text': 'the heaviness of it. You know we we'}, {'start': '1779.919', 'end': '1784.399', 'text': "We're all dying the day we're born. It's"}, {'start': '1782.000', 'end': '1786.880', 'text': "cliche. It's a death is a part of life,"}, {'start': '1784.399', 'end': '1789.679', 'text': 'but it is. It is. Why do we try to'}, {'start': '1786.880', 'end': '1791.760', 'text': 'ignore it? And why do we not speak about'}, {'start': '1789.679', 'end': '1795.600', 'text': "it? And that's the thing as well is like"}, {'start': '1791.760', 'end': '1797.679', 'text': 'why on children, you know, and I was so'}, {'start': '1795.600', 'end': '1800.080', 'text': 'open and I think I I really helped a lot'}, {'start': '1797.679', 'end': '1802.240', 'text': 'of those kids understand that what'}, {'start': '1800.080', 'end': '1804.320', 'text': "happened. Well, Charlie and Ollie's papa"}, {'start': '1802.240', 'end': '1806.799', 'text': 'just went there and he fell off a'}, {'start': '1804.320', 'end': '1810.720', 'text': "mountain and and and it's it's a way to"}, {'start': '1806.799', 'end': '1812.880', 'text': 'to not scare but to to educate and'}, {'start': '1810.720', 'end': '1815.760', 'text': 'teach, you know, in my circumstances'}, {'start': '1812.880', 'end': '1818.159', 'text': 'about nature. Nature, not the danger of'}, {'start': '1815.760', 'end': '1820.240', 'text': 'nature, but that nature, the mountains,'}, {'start': '1818.159', 'end': '1822.880', 'text': "they are bigger, they're stronger, and"}, {'start': '1820.240', 'end': '1827.120', 'text': 'and we have to to be really humble and'}, {'start': '1822.880', 'end': '1830.720', 'text': 'and to to respect and that we are we are'}, {'start': '1827.120', 'end': '1833.600', 'text': 'not immortal. And I I I would love to to'}, {'start': '1830.720', 'end': '1836.799', 'text': 'really get that. And I think my kids'}, {'start': '1833.600', 'end': '1838.720', 'text': 'grow up um nowadays like this, not and'}, {'start': '1836.799', 'end': '1840.640', 'text': "it's a shame that their father has to"}, {'start': '1838.720', 'end': '1843.480', 'text': 'die for them to understand that. But'}, {'start': '1840.640', 'end': '1847.279', 'text': "it's like, hey, let's appreciate because"}, {'start': '1843.480', 'end': '1850.320', 'text': "because it's a gift to be alive, you"}, {'start': '1847.279', 'end': '1852.640', 'text': 'know. So'}, {'start': '1850.320', 'end': '1855.600', 'text': 'um I think that leads in really well an'}, {'start': '1852.640', 'end': '1857.520', 'text': "opportunity to I know there'll be some"}, {'start': '1855.600', 'end': '1862.480', 'text': 'people who would love to hear more about'}, {'start': '1857.520', 'end': '1865.840', 'text': 'this too is is being a parent without'}, {'start': '1862.480', 'end': '1868.000', 'text': "your other parent there and you're"}, {'start': '1865.840', 'end': '1870.000', 'text': "grieving you're trying to support your"}, {'start': '1868.000', 'end': '1874.080', 'text': 'children through this whole process.'}, {'start': '1870.000', 'end': '1876.000', 'text': 'What was that like and what did you do?'}, {'start': '1874.080', 'end': '1879.039', 'text': 'What did you find that was really'}, {'start': '1876.000', 'end': '1880.720', 'text': 'helpful in your experience?'}, {'start': '1879.039', 'end': '1882.559', 'text': "So, you don't really know and this you"}, {'start': '1880.720', 'end': '1884.320', 'text': "can't prepare for and it's without"}, {'start': '1882.559', 'end': '1886.240', 'text': 'hindsight that you can analyze and say,'}, {'start': '1884.320', 'end': '1888.799', 'text': '"Oh, that\'s what I did." And you know,'}, {'start': '1886.240', 'end': '1892.080', 'text': 'in my opinion is I I guess I I just put'}, {'start': '1888.799', 'end': '1894.480', 'text': 'it aside and I just I mean I had a very'}, {'start': '1892.080', 'end': '1896.960', 'text': 'tough reaction of like rejecting the'}, {'start': '1894.480', 'end': '1898.559', 'text': "fight, the fact that I didn't want to be"}, {'start': '1896.960', 'end': '1899.919', 'text': 'a single mom. I said, "Hey, I never'}, {'start': '1898.559', 'end': '1902.080', 'text': 'wanted children to raise them on my'}, {'start': '1899.919', 'end': '1904.960', 'text': 'own." And it was really difficult'}, {'start': '1902.080', 'end': '1908.799', 'text': "because I I kind of like didn't want to"}, {'start': '1904.960', 'end': '1913.200', 'text': 'and I needed to find myself again. Um'}, {'start': '1908.799', 'end': '1915.760', 'text': 'and unbeknown to me I just decided to to'}, {'start': '1913.200', 'end': '1918.960', 'text': 'just keep living and to just like wow'}, {'start': '1915.760', 'end': '1921.440', 'text': 'just embrace everything. And so in a'}, {'start': '1918.960', 'end': '1924.000', 'text': 'very end we talked about it an'}, {'start': '1921.440', 'end': '1927.679', 'text': 'unexpected way I fell in love with'}, {'start': '1924.000', 'end': '1930.480', 'text': 'someone else and that was not the plan'}, {'start': '1927.679', 'end': '1933.600', 'text': 'and that was it just happened. But I'}, {'start': '1930.480', 'end': '1936.320', 'text': "guess it's it's because that one person"}, {'start': '1933.600', 'end': '1938.640', 'text': 'was very shocked and got thrown into'}, {'start': '1936.320', 'end': '1941.120', 'text': "that drama of my life because he's one"}, {'start': '1938.640', 'end': '1943.039', 'text': "of the friends who found Dave's body"}, {'start': '1941.120', 'end': '1945.360', 'text': 'which you know everything got a bit'}, {'start': '1943.039', 'end': '1948.799', 'text': 'mixed up and maybe I was attached to the'}, {'start': '1945.360', 'end': '1951.440', 'text': 'fact that he was one to to be with him'}, {'start': '1948.799', 'end': '1955.120', 'text': 'and touched him and and he did close one'}, {'start': '1951.440', 'end': '1957.600', 'text': "of Dave's eye that was open and and I"}, {'start': '1955.120', 'end': '1960.080', 'text': "don't know what happens in those moments"}, {'start': '1957.600', 'end': '1961.960', 'text': 'but he he also'}, {'start': '1960.080', 'end': '1964.240', 'text': 'himself was truly'}, {'start': '1961.960', 'end': '1966.640', 'text': 'concerned and because he was slightly'}, {'start': '1964.240', 'end': '1969.039', 'text': 'exterior to to that family and the very'}, {'start': '1966.640', 'end': '1970.120', 'text': 'close friends I knew him from not very'}, {'start': '1969.039', 'end': '1973.200', 'text': 'long'}, {'start': '1970.120', 'end': '1976.159', 'text': 'before I just found that person to talk'}, {'start': '1973.200', 'end': '1979.039', 'text': "to and to say no it's [\xa0__\xa0] how's it"}, {'start': '1976.159', 'end': '1981.600', 'text': 'going not well you know and my kids on'}, {'start': '1979.039', 'end': '1985.120', 'text': "sleeping and I just I'm not liking this"}, {'start': '1981.600', 'end': '1987.440', 'text': 'and I needed my I kind of needed to to'}, {'start': '1985.120', 'end': '1990.720', 'text': 'think of something else and to to not'}, {'start': '1987.440', 'end': '1994.240', 'text': 'focus on what was happening And I guess'}, {'start': '1990.720', 'end': '1997.200', 'text': 'we could be and I could be saying that I'}, {'start': '1994.240', 'end': '2000.399', 'text': 'delayed my grief in a way. I think it'}, {'start': '1997.200', 'end': '2003.840', 'text': 'was an unconscious way of of coping but'}, {'start': '2000.399', 'end': '2005.279', 'text': 'to keep leaving and to and to move on.'}, {'start': '2003.840', 'end': '2007.840', 'text': 'And as I mentioned before, I went ahead'}, {'start': '2005.279', 'end': '2012.600', 'text': 'with that surgery and that was very'}, {'start': '2007.840', 'end': '2017.840', 'text': 'interesting and it was extremely helpful'}, {'start': '2012.600', 'end': '2020.080', 'text': 'because my situation with Dave dad could'}, {'start': '2017.840', 'end': '2023.360', 'text': 'not be better. could not be improved. It'}, {'start': '2020.080', 'end': '2026.480', 'text': 'was just, you know, it was just a mess.'}, {'start': '2023.360', 'end': '2029.440', 'text': 'But having that surgery, having a plan'}, {'start': '2026.480', 'end': '2032.559', 'text': 'to heal and having to take steps and to'}, {'start': '2029.440', 'end': '2035.039', 'text': 'do physio gave me something to focus on.'}, {'start': '2032.559', 'end': '2036.960', 'text': 'And it also helped others to say instead'}, {'start': '2035.039', 'end': '2039.039', 'text': 'of how are you, which is a question'}, {'start': '2036.960', 'end': '2042.000', 'text': "really hard to ask to anyone who's going"}, {'start': '2039.039', 'end': '2045.039', 'text': 'through um you know, the loss of someone'}, {'start': '2042.000', 'end': '2047.600', 'text': "um it was like how's your knee? And"}, {'start': '2045.039', 'end': '2050.879', 'text': "that's that's better. It's better. Oh,"}, {'start': '2047.600', 'end': '2053.200', 'text': 'look, I can walk. And it gave me it gave'}, {'start': '2050.879', 'end': '2056.560', 'text': "me something fixable because you can't"}, {'start': '2053.200', 'end': '2058.560', 'text': 'fix loss and but you can focus on'}, {'start': '2056.560', 'end': '2061.760', 'text': 'something else. And I think it gave me'}, {'start': '2058.560', 'end': '2063.760', 'text': 'that focus and yeah and then that was'}, {'start': '2061.760', 'end': '2066.000', 'text': 'really really useful.'}, {'start': '2063.760', 'end': '2068.599', 'text': 'um and carrying on carrying on with'}, {'start': '2066.000', 'end': '2073.119', 'text': "life. And it's later on, it's"}, {'start': '2068.599', 'end': '2077.760', 'text': 'probably a year, couple of years later'}, {'start': '2073.119', 'end': '2080.839', 'text': 'that I really fully faced that the'}, {'start': '2077.760', 'end': '2084.240', 'text': 'grief, but I had had time in a way to'}, {'start': '2080.839', 'end': '2086.919', 'text': 'recover and to to get back into the the'}, {'start': '2084.240', 'end': '2090.240', 'text': 'swing of of things and of life.'}, {'start': '2086.919', 'end': '2093.200', 'text': "So there's nothing specific that I did"}, {'start': '2090.240', 'end': '2096.639', 'text': 'apart from keep going and and and being'}, {'start': '2093.200', 'end': '2099.200', 'text': 'self I mean self-compassion you know and'}, {'start': '2096.639', 'end': '2101.599', 'text': 'um be kind with yourself and be kind'}, {'start': '2099.200', 'end': '2104.560', 'text': 'with your pain and I I was I guess kind'}, {'start': '2101.599', 'end': '2107.520', 'text': 'and I just needed to to be loved and to'}, {'start': '2104.560', 'end': '2110.000', 'text': 'be cherished and to to have fun and I'}, {'start': '2107.520', 'end': '2113.119', 'text': "took that you know I didn't just try to"}, {'start': '2110.000', 'end': '2114.560', 'text': "to follow a set of rules or there's no"}, {'start': '2113.119', 'end': '2117.040', 'text': 'guidelines about how you should be'}, {'start': '2114.560', 'end': '2121.119', 'text': 'grieving and people found it really'}, {'start': '2117.040', 'end': '2123.760', 'text': 'shocking, really disturbing and I I got'}, {'start': '2121.119', 'end': '2125.359', 'text': 'a lot of questions and I was judged that'}, {'start': '2123.760', 'end': '2127.520', 'text': 'about finding love and I was like what'}, {'start': '2125.359', 'end': '2130.000', 'text': "does this mean? like is she not? And I'm"}, {'start': '2127.520', 'end': '2132.040', 'text': "like it's got nothing to do with the"}, {'start': '2130.000', 'end': '2135.599', 'text': "love I've got for my husband. And and"}, {'start': '2132.040', 'end': '2137.520', 'text': 'also I think maybe in the month'}, {'start': '2135.599', 'end': '2141.520', 'text': 'following probably just over a month'}, {'start': '2137.520', 'end': '2143.839', 'text': 'after his death um a friend of mine just'}, {'start': '2141.520', 'end': '2146.280', 'text': 'said, "Hey, there\'s a an outdoor concert'}, {'start': '2143.839', 'end': '2148.880', 'text': 'in one of the nearby ski'}, {'start': '2146.280', 'end': '2151.599', 'text': 'resorts. Do you want to go?" And I was'}, {'start': '2148.880', 'end': '2153.359', 'text': 'like, "Yes, I do." And and it was like,'}, {'start': '2151.599', 'end': '2154.880', 'text': '"Oh, but maybe I shouldn\'t." And I\'m'}, {'start': '2153.359', 'end': '2156.480', 'text': 'like, "But you know what? I don\'t want'}, {'start': '2154.880', 'end': '2158.880', 'text': 'to be miserable like staying all my'}, {'start': '2156.480', 'end': '2161.599', 'text': 'evenings and and and and suffering and'}, {'start': '2158.880', 'end': '2163.440', 'text': "and bathing in that pain. It's like no,"}, {'start': '2161.599', 'end': '2166.079', 'text': 'I want to go. I want to go dance. I want'}, {'start': '2163.440', 'end': '2168.359', 'text': 'to go sing. I want to just just live.'}, {'start': '2166.079', 'end': '2170.800', 'text': 'And so I guess I had a'}, {'start': '2168.359', 'end': '2173.599', 'text': "very I don't know if it's it's a"}, {'start': '2170.800', 'end': '2176.280', 'text': 'rejection like a strong rejection of the'}, {'start': '2173.599', 'end': '2181.839', 'text': 'suffering or the pain, but I had a a'}, {'start': '2176.280', 'end': '2185.200', 'text': 'bigger desire to to bite into life and'}, {'start': '2181.839', 'end': '2188.079', 'text': 'and to connect and to and to live. So'}, {'start': '2185.200', 'end': '2189.839', 'text': "that that that's I I guess what's saved"}, {'start': '2188.079', 'end': '2192.599', 'text': 'me.'}, {'start': '2189.839', 'end': '2196.480', 'text': "Yeah. And that's that's an incredible"}, {'start': '2192.599', 'end': '2199.680', 'text': 'way to approach it. And yeah, interested'}, {'start': '2196.480', 'end': '2201.440', 'text': 'to hear more about the judgment that you'}, {'start': '2199.680', 'end': '2203.760', 'text': 'mentioned, whether that is about the new'}, {'start': '2201.440', 'end': '2207.760', 'text': 'relationship or the way that you were'}, {'start': '2203.760', 'end': '2209.599', 'text': 'grabbing hold of living and thriving or'}, {'start': '2207.760', 'end': '2211.839', 'text': 'whether you had any internal narratives'}, {'start': '2209.599', 'end': '2213.920', 'text': "around like, oh, like I'm having a good"}, {'start': '2211.839', 'end': '2215.920', 'text': "time like I'm supposed to be grieving"}, {'start': '2213.920', 'end': '2218.560', 'text': "and mourning like that's not the way"}, {'start': '2215.920', 'end': '2220.560', 'text': 'things should be happening.'}, {'start': '2218.560', 'end': '2222.720', 'text': 'Yeah, you have a lot of you you have a'}, {'start': '2220.560', 'end': '2226.800', 'text': 'lot of self-questing or internal kind of'}, {'start': '2222.720', 'end': '2229.079', 'text': 'like why why am I not this and why am I'}, {'start': '2226.800', 'end': '2232.000', 'text': 'not and'}, {'start': '2229.079', 'end': '2233.720', 'text': "but it's very interesting there's a few"}, {'start': '2232.000', 'end': '2237.440', 'text': 'things that helped me'}, {'start': '2233.720', 'end': '2239.440', 'text': 'cope I remember shortly after Dave dies'}, {'start': '2237.440', 'end': '2242.640', 'text': 'meeting one of our friends from the'}, {'start': '2239.440', 'end': '2247.280', 'text': 'village and he gave me a big hug and he'}, {'start': '2242.640', 'end': '2250.640', 'text': "said to me um he's gone because he had"}, {'start': '2247.280', 'end': '2253.280', 'text': "another mission to go and he's gone"}, {'start': '2250.640', 'end': '2254.520', 'text': 'because he finished what he needed to do'}, {'start': '2253.280', 'end': '2258.720', 'text': 'in this'}, {'start': '2254.520', 'end': '2261.480', 'text': 'life. And it just that moment completely'}, {'start': '2258.720', 'end': '2265.280', 'text': 'opened me to to'}, {'start': '2261.480', 'end': '2267.760', 'text': 'to the spirituality to think actually'}, {'start': '2265.280', 'end': '2271.359', 'text': "you're right. You know, because we also"}, {'start': '2267.760', 'end': '2272.880', 'text': 'often hear why why are the kind souls'}, {'start': '2271.359', 'end': '2274.480', 'text': "going first? And it's like, well,"}, {'start': '2272.880', 'end': '2277.920', 'text': 'because they finished their mission'}, {'start': '2274.480', 'end': '2279.680', 'text': 'because and and when you think of Dave'}, {'start': '2277.920', 'end': '2282.480', 'text': "and his life and what we've done"}, {'start': '2279.680', 'end': '2287.520', 'text': "together, he's had a full life. We had"}, {'start': '2282.480', 'end': '2291.040', 'text': 'such a packed full he he lived an entire'}, {'start': '2287.520', 'end': '2293.599', 'text': 'life in 38 years. It was quite short but'}, {'start': '2291.040', 'end': '2296.640', 'text': 'I guess he he went through what his'}, {'start': '2293.599', 'end': '2300.240', 'text': 'agenda was what what he had to but that'}, {'start': '2296.640', 'end': '2302.119', 'text': "helped me and then I've lost the track"}, {'start': '2300.240', 'end': '2304.720', 'text': 'of your'}, {'start': '2302.119', 'end': '2307.359', 'text': 'question. No, I think that was a really'}, {'start': '2304.720', 'end': '2310.079', 'text': 'nice place meeting that friend who who'}, {'start': '2307.359', 'end': '2311.599', 'text': 'managed to open that perspective to you'}, {'start': '2310.079', 'end': '2313.839', 'text': 'that David had finished this mission and'}, {'start': '2311.599', 'end': '2316.800', 'text': 'he was on to a next one. Was that the'}, {'start': '2313.839', 'end': '2319.599', 'text': "gateway into or you've had those the"}, {'start': '2316.800', 'end': '2323.000', 'text': 'dreams and connections with Dave prior?'}, {'start': '2319.599', 'end': '2325.839', 'text': 'Did that open you up into'}, {'start': '2323.000', 'end': '2331.000', 'text': 'exploring spirituality and life after'}, {'start': '2325.839', 'end': '2331.000', 'text': 'death in a whole new way?'}, {'start': '2331.359', 'end': '2337.440', 'text': "I guess I guess that's been the Yeah,"}, {'start': '2334.960', 'end': '2340.320', 'text': "it's been I did say it's opened me to"}, {'start': '2337.440', 'end': '2342.240', 'text': 'spirituality and even though I I I was'}, {'start': '2340.320', 'end': '2345.040', 'text': 'raised in a very Christian Catholic'}, {'start': '2342.240', 'end': '2347.680', 'text': 'family and there was always his values'}, {'start': '2345.040', 'end': '2350.079', 'text': "and and it's actually something that my"}, {'start': '2347.680', 'end': '2352.240', 'text': 'my 5-year-old told me when I announced'}, {'start': '2350.079', 'end': '2354.480', 'text': 'him that his dad would not come back,'}, {'start': '2352.240', 'end': '2356.800', 'text': "that we'd found his body, but he was"}, {'start': '2354.480', 'end': '2359.599', 'text': 'gone. And then he said to me, "Yeah, but'}, {'start': '2356.800', 'end': '2362.000', 'text': "Jesus, he came back. Why won't Papa come"}, {'start': '2359.599', 'end': '2363.760', 'text': 'back?" And I\'m like, "Oh god, I didn\'t'}, {'start': '2362.000', 'end': '2365.760', 'text': 'know what to say or what to believe."'}, {'start': '2363.760', 'end': '2367.599', 'text': 'And we still talk about that and trying'}, {'start': '2365.760', 'end': '2369.920', 'text': 'to to to let them know it\'s like, "Well,'}, {'start': '2367.599', 'end': '2372.920', 'text': 'in a way, he is back because he is here,'}, {'start': '2369.920', 'end': '2376.240', 'text': 'you know." And so'}, {'start': '2372.920', 'end': '2379.599', 'text': 'I believe that there is something bigger'}, {'start': '2376.240', 'end': '2383.520', 'text': "and higher. And we there's this this"}, {'start': '2379.599', 'end': '2385.119', 'text': 'French man who said that we are not'}, {'start': '2383.520', 'end': '2388.000', 'text': 'human beings living a spiritual'}, {'start': '2385.119', 'end': '2390.520', 'text': 'experience but we are spiritual beings'}, {'start': '2388.000', 'end': '2394.640', 'text': "living a human experience. And that's a"}, {'start': '2390.520', 'end': '2398.280', 'text': 'very key sentence for me because um I'}, {'start': '2394.640', 'end': '2402.240', 'text': 'believe that we we are here'}, {'start': '2398.280', 'end': '2405.200', 'text': 'to to experience what we have to. And a'}, {'start': '2402.240', 'end': '2407.599', 'text': 'lot of people would say yeah but this is'}, {'start': '2405.200', 'end': '2409.359', 'text': 'thrown at me. I never signed up for it.'}, {'start': '2407.599', 'end': '2413.119', 'text': "I didn't want this to happen. I'm a"}, {'start': '2409.359', 'end': '2416.320', 'text': "victim of it. And I'm like, I chose, I"}, {'start': '2413.119', 'end': '2418.839', 'text': 'think probably consciously very early'}, {'start': '2416.320', 'end': '2421.599', 'text': 'on, to not be a victim of my'}, {'start': '2418.839', 'end': '2423.599', 'text': 'circumstances. Uh, and to not define'}, {'start': '2421.599', 'end': '2427.200', 'text': "myself as, oh, I'm a widow. This is me"}, {'start': '2423.599', 'end': '2430.160', 'text': 'now. You know, because I think that if'}, {'start': '2427.200', 'end': '2432.560', 'text': "it's happened to you, if it's there, you"}, {'start': '2430.160', 'end': '2435.440', 'text': 'somewhere somehow gave consent for it.'}, {'start': '2432.560', 'end': '2437.839', 'text': "I'm not saying we're attracting it."}, {'start': '2435.440', 'end': '2439.760', 'text': 'We could say it this way, but you'}, {'start': '2437.839', 'end': '2442.200', 'text': "consented to it. But that means there's"}, {'start': '2439.760', 'end': '2446.720', 'text': "a learning. That means there's"}, {'start': '2442.200', 'end': '2450.720', 'text': 'a there is something to do with it. And'}, {'start': '2446.720', 'end': '2453.599', 'text': "to don't sit in that grief, that pain,"}, {'start': '2450.720', 'end': '2456.240', 'text': 'that sadness, and and ruminate and and'}, {'start': '2453.599', 'end': '2459.920', 'text': "you know, like don't let the the why and"}, {'start': '2456.240', 'end': '2462.079', 'text': 'the if I guess for me it was it was like'}, {'start': '2459.920', 'end': '2464.480', 'text': "I'm just going to be true to myself. I'm"}, {'start': '2462.079', 'end': '2466.400', 'text': 'going to be and this is again live life'}, {'start': '2464.480', 'end': '2470.319', 'text': 'to the fullest is be vulnerable and be'}, {'start': '2466.400', 'end': '2472.800', 'text': 'sad and cry and release that pain if if'}, {'start': '2470.319', 'end': '2475.520', 'text': "you feel like you know it's just don't"}, {'start': '2472.800', 'end': '2477.280', 'text': 'try to be all good and maybe we do'}, {'start': '2475.520', 'end': '2480.480', 'text': "because it's it's something that"}, {'start': '2477.280', 'end': '2482.319', 'text': 'probably we are taught or we we learn'}, {'start': '2480.480', 'end': '2486.160', 'text': 'somehow to do is like oh yeah know how'}, {'start': '2482.319', 'end': '2489.040', 'text': "are you good thanks no I'm not good is"}, {'start': '2486.160', 'end': '2491.359', 'text': "that the same I know kiwis are that's"}, {'start': '2489.040', 'end': '2492.800', 'text': 'definitely part of our emo saying,'}, {'start': '2491.359', 'end': '2495.599', 'text': '"Yeah, we\'re good." Or, "Oh, yeah, yeah,'}, {'start': '2492.800', 'end': '2497.520', 'text': 'I\'m busy." Is that the same in French'}, {'start': '2495.599', 'end': '2500.079', 'text': 'culture? No, I think the French is a lot'}, {'start': '2497.520', 'end': '2501.680', 'text': 'more like the Latin, so a lot more to to'}, {'start': '2500.079', 'end': '2504.720', 'text': 'the emotions, the good and the bad, and'}, {'start': '2501.680', 'end': '2507.359', 'text': "expressive, you know, like so we it's"}, {'start': '2504.720', 'end': '2510.400', 'text': "it's okay and there's no shame to to not"}, {'start': '2507.359', 'end': '2513.119', 'text': 'be to not be feeling feeling great. I'}, {'start': '2510.400', 'end': '2516.240', 'text': 'think I think probably my culture has'}, {'start': '2513.119', 'end': '2519.119', 'text': "helped in saying that I'm I'm really"}, {'start': '2516.240', 'end': '2522.319', 'text': "Kiwi as well. So it's it's it's good to"}, {'start': '2519.119', 'end': '2526.160', 'text': 'take a bit of both. But yeah, I guess in'}, {'start': '2522.319', 'end': '2528.160', 'text': 'in New Zealand we yeah to be very'}, {'start': '2526.160', 'end': '2530.400', 'text': 'expressive is still sometimes seen a'}, {'start': '2528.160', 'end': '2534.319', 'text': 'little bit you know being a pill puppy'}, {'start': '2530.400', 'end': '2536.560', 'text': 'or something like that. So uh and I yeah'}, {'start': '2534.319', 'end': '2539.839', 'text': "I reckon it's once again it comes back"}, {'start': '2536.560', 'end': '2542.640', 'text': "to being authentic and if you're being"}, {'start': '2539.839', 'end': '2547.599', 'text': "you and if you're authentic who who is"}, {'start': '2542.640', 'end': '2551.000', 'text': 'there to to judge and to to label you'}, {'start': '2547.599', 'end': '2555.520', 'text': 'you know so yeah I think I'}, {'start': '2551.000', 'end': '2559.280', 'text': 'think when you are faced with such a a'}, {'start': '2555.520', 'end': '2562.720', 'text': 'hard obstacle or challenge you have to'}, {'start': '2559.280', 'end': '2565.760', 'text': 'trust yourself that you can do it that'}, {'start': '2562.720', 'end': '2568.880', 'text': 'you you will overcome it but you need to'}, {'start': '2565.760', 'end': '2572.760', 'text': "choose to you know when I'm saying don't"}, {'start': '2568.880', 'end': '2575.839', 'text': 'stay stuck in the in the pain you are'}, {'start': '2572.760', 'end': '2579.119', 'text': 'ultimately the captain of your own ship'}, {'start': '2575.839', 'end': '2581.280', 'text': 'and you choose the direction you choose'}, {'start': '2579.119', 'end': '2583.920', 'text': 'where you want to go and and this is'}, {'start': '2581.280', 'end': '2587.599', 'text': 'where sometimes being helped and'}, {'start': '2583.920', 'end': '2589.839', 'text': 'supported is is helpful because we may'}, {'start': '2587.599', 'end': '2592.400', 'text': 'need some help to get going or what is'}, {'start': '2589.839', 'end': '2594.920', 'text': "the direction or where's the map? And I"}, {'start': '2592.400', 'end': '2598.560', 'text': "think again that's where connection and"}, {'start': '2594.920', 'end': '2601.440', 'text': 'and not staying alone in your grief is'}, {'start': '2598.560', 'end': '2603.359', 'text': 'very important.'}, {'start': '2601.440', 'end': '2606.000', 'text': "Yeah. I say it a lot that we're not"}, {'start': '2603.359', 'end': '2609.319', 'text': 'designed to do this alone. No. And we'}, {'start': '2606.000', 'end': '2612.720', 'text': 'think about so many'}, {'start': '2609.319', 'end': '2614.680', 'text': 'other I guess big life events or'}, {'start': '2612.720', 'end': '2616.720', 'text': 'transitions or'}, {'start': '2614.680', 'end': '2619.040', 'text': 'initiations there, you know, like life'}, {'start': '2616.720', 'end': '2622.720', 'text': "stages that we go through. There's"}, {'start': '2619.040', 'end': '2624.200', 'text': 'always people around like birthdays,'}, {'start': '2622.720', 'end': '2626.960', 'text': 'weddings,'}, {'start': '2624.200', 'end': '2630.079', 'text': "anniversaries, births, like it's it's"}, {'start': '2626.960', 'end': '2633.280', 'text': 'family and community coming together and'}, {'start': '2630.079', 'end': '2637.280', 'text': 'yes, that occurs at a death as well, but'}, {'start': '2633.280', 'end': '2638.880', 'text': "it's usually pretty that support and"}, {'start': '2637.280', 'end': '2642.000', 'text': 'gathering around is usually pretty'}, {'start': '2638.880', 'end': '2644.400', 'text': "short-lived. So, yeah, I think it's it's"}, {'start': '2642.000', 'end': '2647.520', 'text': "kind of a strange balance, isn't it?"}, {'start': '2644.400', 'end': '2650.640', 'text': 'like you if you might feel really alone'}, {'start': '2647.520', 'end': '2653.359', 'text': "and stuck and you can't see that that"}, {'start': '2650.640', 'end': '2655.920', 'text': 'hope or that way forward but it is about'}, {'start': '2653.359', 'end': '2657.680', 'text': 'choosing okay well I want this to be'}, {'start': '2655.920', 'end': '2660.000', 'text': 'different what can I do about it and'}, {'start': '2657.680', 'end': '2662.400', 'text': 'sometimes you it can be really hard but'}, {'start': '2660.000', 'end': '2664.880', 'text': 'you have to go out and seek those people'}, {'start': '2662.400', 'end': '2666.960', 'text': 'or that guidance that you might be'}, {'start': '2664.880', 'end': '2669.680', 'text': 'craving or so desperately needing. Yeah.'}, {'start': '2666.960', 'end': '2672.960', 'text': 'And and that could be the friends, the'}, {'start': '2669.680', 'end': '2677.920', 'text': 'family or I mean I I did a lot of work'}, {'start': '2672.960', 'end': '2679.760', 'text': 'with a psychologist and I it it it has a'}, {'start': '2677.920', 'end': '2682.319', 'text': "different there's no one size fit all"}, {'start': '2679.760', 'end': '2684.400', 'text': 'once again as well. what will be the'}, {'start': '2682.319', 'end': '2688.240', 'text': 'most helpful for you and you may explore'}, {'start': '2684.400', 'end': '2690.560', 'text': 'a few avenues and in terms of what you'}, {'start': '2688.240', 'end': '2692.079', 'text': 'mentioned about sometimes the gathering'}, {'start': '2690.560', 'end': '2693.640', 'text': 'and being together is shortlived and'}, {'start': '2692.079', 'end': '2696.800', 'text': "this is something that's that's really"}, {'start': '2693.640', 'end': '2699.359', 'text': "hard because yeah like I'm probably"}, {'start': '2696.800', 'end': '2704.040', 'text': "grieving I wouldn't say harder but as"}, {'start': '2699.359', 'end': '2708.000', 'text': "much now as I was then and I don't have"}, {'start': '2704.040', 'end': '2711.359', 'text': 'people there every day to say hey but I'}, {'start': '2708.000', 'end': '2714.240', 'text': 'do in a way and and I think the when I'}, {'start': '2711.359', 'end': '2716.319', 'text': 'talk a lot about the the the union, the'}, {'start': '2714.240', 'end': '2720.400', 'text': "support of others, the connection, it's"}, {'start': '2716.319', 'end': '2723.240', 'text': 'about love, you know, and if you keep'}, {'start': '2720.400', 'end': '2726.240', 'text': 'finding solace and love, if you keep'}, {'start': '2723.240', 'end': '2728.480', 'text': 'loving even the deceased one, you can'}, {'start': '2726.240', 'end': '2730.800', 'text': 'keep loving them, you can keep speaking'}, {'start': '2728.480', 'end': '2732.880', 'text': "to them, nobody will think you're dumb"}, {'start': '2730.800', 'end': '2735.760', 'text': "or you're crazy. You just need to keep"}, {'start': '2732.880', 'end': '2738.319', 'text': 'loving and keep that that love alive.'}, {'start': '2735.760', 'end': '2741.440', 'text': "And and then love yourself. Don't hate"}, {'start': '2738.319', 'end': '2743.440', 'text': 'yourself for accept accept the feelings'}, {'start': '2741.440', 'end': '2746.079', 'text': "you're going through and don't be too"}, {'start': '2743.440', 'end': '2747.680', 'text': 'hard and judgmental and you know gosh'}, {'start': '2746.079', 'end': '2751.560', 'text': "I'm listening to myself. I'm like all"}, {'start': '2747.680', 'end': '2753.640', 'text': "right listen to yourself. Yeah it's not"}, {'start': '2751.560', 'end': '2756.880', 'text': "easy it's not"}, {'start': '2753.640', 'end': '2758.560', 'text': 'easy but as much as we love to share'}, {'start': '2756.880', 'end': '2760.640', 'text': 'about being self-compassionate. It can'}, {'start': '2758.560', 'end': '2764.880', 'text': 'be one of the hardest things to do.'}, {'start': '2760.640', 'end': '2766.960', 'text': 'Yeah. And sometimes it sucks but you'}, {'start': '2764.880', 'end': '2768.960', 'text': "know it's okay. And that's actually"}, {'start': '2766.960', 'end': '2771.440', 'text': "coming back to that acceptance you've"}, {'start': '2768.960', 'end': '2775.359', 'text': 'mentioned a few times. What does that'}, {'start': '2771.440', 'end': '2777.680', 'text': 'mean for you? Because I think what I'}, {'start': '2775.359', 'end': '2780.079', 'text': 'know for myself and other people that'}, {'start': '2777.680', 'end': '2784.839', 'text': "I've worked with is the idea of"}, {'start': '2780.079', 'end': '2787.119', 'text': 'acceptance early on can be really hard.'}, {'start': '2784.839', 'end': '2789.680', 'text': "And there's another way that some people"}, {'start': '2787.119', 'end': '2791.839', 'text': "think, oh, it's just like a a fluffy"}, {'start': '2789.680', 'end': '2795.359', 'text': 'kind of thing, like accept it and move'}, {'start': '2791.839', 'end': '2798.400', 'text': "on. But, you know, it's it's really it's"}, {'start': '2795.359', 'end': '2803.119', 'text': "really not. It's more when my experience"}, {'start': '2798.400', 'end': '2805.359', 'text': 'has been more gritty and messy and'}, {'start': '2803.119', 'end': '2806.880', 'text': 'definitely not not pretty at all. So,'}, {'start': '2805.359', 'end': '2809.760', 'text': "I'm interested to hear more from you"}, {'start': '2806.880', 'end': '2811.560', 'text': 'about what acceptance means to you. I'}, {'start': '2809.760', 'end': '2817.119', 'text': 'guess you could say accept but also'}, {'start': '2811.560', 'end': '2819.839', 'text': 'trust you know um trust that not that it'}, {'start': '2817.119', 'end': '2823.520', 'text': 'was meant to be or that we deserved it'}, {'start': '2819.839', 'end': '2826.160', 'text': 'or whatever but trust that everything'}, {'start': '2823.520', 'end': '2828.800', 'text': "will be okay. So it's what I said don't"}, {'start': '2826.160', 'end': '2832.760', 'text': "get stuck don't get stuck on the events"}, {'start': '2828.800', 'end': '2834.359', 'text': "don't get stuck in the in trying to"}, {'start': '2832.760', 'end': '2837.680', 'text': 'understand'}, {'start': '2834.359', 'end': '2839.599', 'text': "because we can't understand you know"}, {'start': '2837.680', 'end': '2841.119', 'text': 'this'}, {'start': '2839.599', 'end': '2843.119', 'text': "I wouldn't say there's nothing to"}, {'start': '2841.119', 'end': '2847.319', 'text': "understand, but there's a lot. But it's"}, {'start': '2843.119', 'end': '2850.079', 'text': 'a real a real human thing to want to to'}, {'start': '2847.319', 'end': '2852.880', 'text': "reason and that's that's really the"}, {'start': '2850.079', 'end': '2855.920', 'text': "heads and I'm like well feel you know so"}, {'start': '2852.880', 'end': '2857.760', 'text': "I'm really big on the on the mind body"}, {'start': '2855.920', 'end': '2860.839', 'text': 'connection and then having that'}, {'start': '2857.760', 'end': '2864.720', 'text': 'spiritual belief helps me to to say'}, {'start': '2860.839', 'end': '2867.760', 'text': "okay I trust that if it's happening to"}, {'start': '2864.720', 'end': '2870.079', 'text': "me I I don't like to say I can get"}, {'start': '2867.760', 'end': '2871.680', 'text': 'stronger some people may like it gives'}, {'start': '2870.079', 'end': '2874.240', 'text': "you stronger and then yes you're"}, {'start': '2871.680', 'end': '2877.359', 'text': "building resilience But it's like there"}, {'start': '2874.240', 'end': '2879.359', 'text': "is something to to gain from it. It's"}, {'start': '2877.359', 'end': '2883.440', 'text': "it's it's it's a learning. It's a"}, {'start': '2879.359', 'end': '2885.599', 'text': "teaching. It's it's hard, but there is"}, {'start': '2883.440', 'end': '2887.680', 'text': 'something in it for me. And you may not'}, {'start': '2885.599', 'end': '2889.720', 'text': "know yet. So don't try to make sense of"}, {'start': '2887.680', 'end': '2892.560', 'text': 'it. So I guess accepting is trying to'}, {'start': '2889.720', 'end': '2895.839', 'text': 'not making sense of it. And I said at'}, {'start': '2892.560', 'end': '2898.000', 'text': 'the end of the day, you will be grieving'}, {'start': '2895.839', 'end': '2901.119', 'text': 'for the rest of your life. You know,'}, {'start': '2898.000', 'end': '2902.880', 'text': "like grief, you can't just, oh, I've"}, {'start': '2901.119', 'end': '2905.440', 'text': "grieved, that's it. And then that's what"}, {'start': '2902.880', 'end': '2908.559', 'text': 'I I try to to explain people because you'}, {'start': '2905.440', 'end': '2910.640', 'text': 'have to really feel it. But grief is now'}, {'start': '2908.559', 'end': '2914.720', 'text': 'a part of your life and it will'}, {'start': '2910.640', 'end': '2917.599', 'text': "accompany you forever. And that's okay."}, {'start': '2914.720', 'end': '2921.440', 'text': "That's okay. It's it's not defining who"}, {'start': '2917.599', 'end': '2926.280', 'text': "we are. It's not a a skill. It's it's a"}, {'start': '2921.440', 'end': '2930.480', 'text': 'constant uh reminder that we have a'}, {'start': '2926.280', 'end': '2933.680', 'text': 'great life and to live and we can it for'}, {'start': '2930.480', 'end': '2937.599', 'text': "me it's helping me find purpose and give"}, {'start': '2933.680', 'end': '2941.040', 'text': 'more meaning to my life and and yeah it'}, {'start': '2937.599', 'end': '2943.760', 'text': 'will shock some people but eventually it'}, {'start': '2941.040', 'end': '2945.839', 'text': "becomes a blessing and gosh I'm going to"}, {'start': '2943.760', 'end': '2948.720', 'text': 'pass you all the the things that have'}, {'start': '2945.839', 'end': '2951.839', 'text': 'happened like but I today have a'}, {'start': '2948.720', 'end': '2955.760', 'text': 'beautiful kiwi partner who is not the'}, {'start': '2951.839', 'end': '2958.319', 'text': 'man I initially fell in love. I I now'}, {'start': '2955.760', 'end': '2960.480', 'text': 'have the opportunity to build something'}, {'start': '2958.319', 'end': '2963.200', 'text': 'beautiful and to continue with with my'}, {'start': '2960.480', 'end': '2965.680', 'text': 'life, trying to to give it a, as I said,'}, {'start': '2963.200', 'end': '2970.640', 'text': 'a deep sense of purpose and with the'}, {'start': '2965.680', 'end': '2974.160', 'text': 'support of of another Kiwi man and um my'}, {'start': '2970.640', 'end': '2976.480', 'text': 'mission is to also really like raise my'}, {'start': '2974.160', 'end': '2979.559', 'text': 'kids to try to really give them as much'}, {'start': '2976.480', 'end': '2982.640', 'text': 'emotional intelligence as I can, to be'}, {'start': '2979.559', 'end': '2986.319', 'text': 'empathetic and to accept that life is'}, {'start': '2982.640', 'end': '2989.440', 'text': 'not just a, you you know, an easy ride.'}, {'start': '2986.319', 'end': '2990.640', 'text': "Ah, that's absolutely beautiful. And I"}, {'start': '2989.440', 'end': '2992.559', 'text': "think we'll definitely have to get you"}, {'start': '2990.640', 'end': '2995.000', 'text': 'back for a part two to hear. Oh gosh,'}, {'start': '2992.559', 'end': '2997.680', 'text': "there's so much more against her, you"}, {'start': '2995.000', 'end': '3001.040', 'text': 'know. And I have worked with women'}, {'start': '2997.680', 'end': '3004.319', 'text': 'before who have endured the death of a'}, {'start': '3001.040', 'end': '3007.480', 'text': 'partner or a husband and the whole'}, {'start': '3004.319', 'end': '3010.480', 'text': 'finding love again internally and'}, {'start': '3007.480', 'end': '3013.000', 'text': 'externally finding a lot of conflict and'}, {'start': '3010.480', 'end': '3016.160', 'text': 'judgment and guilt and can be a'}, {'start': '3013.000', 'end': '3018.079', 'text': 'really interesting experience in space.'}, {'start': '3016.160', 'end': '3019.760', 'text': "So we'll definitely get you back to to"}, {'start': '3018.079', 'end': '3022.640', 'text': "have a chat about that. Definitely. I'd"}, {'start': '3019.760', 'end': '3024.720', 'text': 'love to to share it. It it was a it was'}, {'start': '3022.640', 'end': '3028.480', 'text': 'an interesting experience to go dating'}, {'start': '3024.720', 'end': '3031.760', 'text': 'um and on dating apps uh and as a widow.'}, {'start': '3028.480', 'end': '3034.720', 'text': "Um yeah and yeah so once again it's it's"}, {'start': '3031.760', 'end': '3036.480', 'text': 'beautiful to to be able to have a little'}, {'start': '3034.720', 'end': '3040.000', 'text': 'bit of hindsight and to have gone'}, {'start': '3036.480', 'end': '3043.760', 'text': "through it and it's like everything when"}, {'start': '3040.000', 'end': '3046.119', 'text': "you're in the tunnel it's ah life is"}, {'start': '3043.760', 'end': '3049.599', 'text': "it's it's very very hard but just just"}, {'start': '3046.119', 'end': '3052.319', 'text': 'just keep going just keep going and'}, {'start': '3049.599', 'end': '3055.599', 'text': "don't don't sit down in that tunnel"}, {'start': '3052.319', 'end': '3058.160', 'text': "don't don't stay in the dark just just"}, {'start': '3055.599', 'end': '3060.400', 'text': 'look for and and and walk towards the'}, {'start': '3058.160', 'end': '3062.880', 'text': 'lights and there is some even if you'}, {'start': '3060.400', 'end': '3067.040', 'text': "can't see it, you know, and once again"}, {'start': '3062.880', 'end': '3071.200', 'text': 'is just ask around if you need to have a'}, {'start': '3067.040', 'end': '3074.640', 'text': 'bit of help. So yeah, and I think that'}, {'start': '3071.200', 'end': '3078.040', 'text': 'leads us really nicely into your current'}, {'start': '3074.640', 'end': '3080.960', 'text': "day and how you've"}, {'start': '3078.040', 'end': '3083.839', 'text': 'transformed your experience into'}, {'start': '3080.960', 'end': '3085.839', 'text': "something that you're offering to to"}, {'start': '3083.839', 'end': '3087.839', 'text': "serve and help others. So, I'd love to"}, {'start': '3085.839', 'end': '3091.760', 'text': 'hear more and share with our audience'}, {'start': '3087.839', 'end': '3095.839', 'text': 'about what you are up to now. Yes.'}, {'start': '3091.760', 'end': '3100.680', 'text': 'Well, guess what? I look good.'}, {'start': '3095.839', 'end': '3103.680', 'text': "No, it's it's very cool"}, {'start': '3100.680', 'end': '3105.680', 'text': 'to to see like a few days ago, I took'}, {'start': '3103.680', 'end': '3107.760', 'text': 'some I looked at some diaries and old'}, {'start': '3105.680', 'end': '3112.319', 'text': 'diaries that I had and one of them'}, {'start': '3107.760', 'end': '3114.079', 'text': 'probably dated 2017. Dave died in 2019.'}, {'start': '3112.319', 'end': '3116.960', 'text': 'So a couple of years before his death, I'}, {'start': '3114.079', 'end': '3119.040', 'text': 'had uh written down a few things about'}, {'start': '3116.960', 'end': '3120.960', 'text': 'living life with purpose and a meaning.'}, {'start': '3119.040', 'end': '3123.760', 'text': 'So I guess you know that that spiritual'}, {'start': '3120.960', 'end': '3129.119', 'text': 'side of me and that that quest for for'}, {'start': '3123.760', 'end': '3132.359', 'text': 'growth had begun. Um and I decided this'}, {'start': '3129.119', 'end': '3137.680', 'text': 'year that it took me a good five years'}, {'start': '3132.359', 'end': '3139.119', 'text': 'to to try to to reassemble my life. And'}, {'start': '3137.680', 'end': '3141.760', 'text': 'I mean, you know, we got we all got'}, {'start': '3139.119', 'end': '3143.839', 'text': 'dealt with a a deal COVID as well and'}, {'start': '3141.760', 'end': '3146.960', 'text': 'which which kind of put everything on'}, {'start': '3143.839', 'end': '3149.040', 'text': 'hold for all of us. But earlier this'}, {'start': '3146.960', 'end': '3151.280', 'text': 'year, it was just clear to me that okay,'}, {'start': '3149.040', 'end': '3155.280', 'text': "now it's the time. I have just so much"}, {'start': '3151.280', 'end': '3157.839', 'text': 'to give. I have so um so much love and'}, {'start': '3155.280', 'end': '3160.000', 'text': "and then also if I've gone through all"}, {'start': '3157.839', 'end': '3163.119', 'text': "of that, I don't want it to be just for"}, {'start': '3160.000', 'end': '3166.480', 'text': 'me. a kind of if if it can serve others,'}, {'start': '3163.119', 'end': '3169.920', 'text': 'if I can if my hurt and if my tears can'}, {'start': '3166.480', 'end': '3172.880', 'text': "console others because of of what I've"}, {'start': '3169.920', 'end': '3175.680', 'text': 'learned and if I can if I can accompany'}, {'start': '3172.880', 'end': '3178.480', 'text': 'people going through this which you are'}, {'start': '3175.680', 'end': '3180.880', 'text': "doing yourself and and that's it's"}, {'start': '3178.480', 'end': '3184.359', 'text': "beautiful because it's it's a way for us"}, {'start': '3180.880', 'end': '3187.200', 'text': 'to to keep healing and so I am not'}, {'start': '3184.359', 'end': '3189.599', 'text': 'specifically guiding people through loss'}, {'start': '3187.200', 'end': '3192.000', 'text': "and grief. Absolutely. It's something I"}, {'start': '3189.599', 'end': '3194.559', 'text': 'I can do. But I just really feel like I'}, {'start': '3192.000', 'end': '3198.319', 'text': 'want to I want to partner with people'}, {'start': '3194.559', 'end': '3201.160', 'text': 'and I want to accompany people to on'}, {'start': '3198.319', 'end': '3203.599', 'text': 'their path, you know, of of'}, {'start': '3201.160', 'end': '3206.400', 'text': 'self-empowerment and self fulfillment to'}, {'start': '3203.599', 'end': '3209.040', 'text': 'try to really guide them to to be aware'}, {'start': '3206.400', 'end': '3212.400', 'text': 'of their strength and their selfworth'}, {'start': '3209.040', 'end': '3215.680', 'text': 'and and to help them just live a life to'}, {'start': '3212.400', 'end': '3219.079', 'text': 'the fullest. you know just my moto once'}, {'start': '3215.680', 'end': '3223.119', 'text': "again that's you know if I can help"}, {'start': '3219.079', 'end': '3224.880', 'text': 'anyone it would be just wonderful and'}, {'start': '3223.119', 'end': '3227.280', 'text': "and then you know in a way it's it's"}, {'start': '3224.880', 'end': '3231.040', 'text': "like carrying on with Dave's mission as"}, {'start': '3227.280', 'end': '3233.540', 'text': "well you know he's everyone who leave us"}, {'start': '3231.040', 'end': '3234.880', 'text': 'leave us something'}, {'start': '3233.540', 'end': '3236.920', 'text': '[Music]'}, {'start': '3234.880', 'end': '3238.920', 'text': 'they sure'}, {'start': '3236.920', 'end': '3244.040', 'text': 'do'}, {'start': '3238.920', 'end': '3248.079', 'text': 'yep amazing so if anyone has loved'}, {'start': '3244.040', 'end': '3251.440', 'text': 'your vibe and personality and infectious'}, {'start': '3248.079', 'end': '3253.839', 'text': 'enthusiasm and energy and wisdom. Where'}, {'start': '3251.440', 'end': '3257.280', 'text': "can people find you? It's all happening."}, {'start': '3253.839', 'end': '3260.559', 'text': "It's all new to me. So, um I am calling"}, {'start': '3257.280', 'end': '3264.319', 'text': 'my coaching business aligned and I will'}, {'start': '3260.559', 'end': '3267.280', 'text': 'be very soon um launching an Instagram'}, {'start': '3264.319', 'end': '3269.119', 'text': 'page called Aligned Holistic Coaching.'}, {'start': '3267.280', 'end': '3271.599', 'text': 'Um so, at the moment is is where you can'}, {'start': '3269.119', 'end': '3275.680', 'text': "find me. I'm on LinkedIn. uh it's my"}, {'start': '3271.599', 'end': '3279.200', 'text': "name. Um but uh you'll definitely have a"}, {'start': '3275.680', 'end': '3282.400', 'text': "lot more and I'm just letting this um"}, {'start': '3279.200', 'end': '3286.079', 'text': 'develop organically and I trust that'}, {'start': '3282.400', 'end': '3288.640', 'text': "I've got I've got it in me that I can,"}, {'start': '3286.079', 'end': '3292.000', 'text': 'you know, I can just help others'}, {'start': '3288.640', 'end': '3294.640', 'text': 'succeed. So yeah,'}, {'start': '3292.000', 'end': '3297.839', 'text': "wonderful. So, we'll put all those links"}, {'start': '3294.640', 'end': '3301.520', 'text': 'in the show notes so people can find you'}, {'start': '3297.839', 'end': '3303.200', 'text': 'and connect with you and have a chat.'}, {'start': '3301.520', 'end': '3308.319', 'text': 'Thanks.'}, {'start': '3303.200', 'end': '3311.839', 'text': 'Exciting. Yeah. Thank you so so much for'}, {'start': '3308.319', 'end': '3316.000', 'text': 'joining us on the podcast today. So much'}, {'start': '3311.839', 'end': '3318.599', 'text': 'wisdom and yeah, we all love your your'}, {'start': '3316.000', 'end': '3321.599', 'text': 'energy. Oh, thank you. Well, you know,'}, {'start': '3318.599', 'end': '3324.160', 'text': "it's I've got so much. I mean, you you"}, {'start': '3321.599', 'end': '3326.079', 'text': "have to stop me talking. So, I'm I'd be"}, {'start': '3324.160', 'end': '3330.200', 'text': 'very happy to come and talk about, you'}, {'start': '3326.079', 'end': '3333.119', 'text': 'know, all the rest. But yeah, I I just I'}, {'start': '3330.200', 'end': '3335.200', 'text': "think let's not keep anything to"}, {'start': '3333.119', 'end': '3337.760', 'text': 'ourselves. We have all something to'}, {'start': '3335.200', 'end': '3339.440', 'text': 'share and it can help others. So, it was'}, {'start': '3337.760', 'end': '3341.920', 'text': 'a pleasure. Thank you so much for the'}, {'start': '3339.440', 'end': '3344.079', 'text': 'opportunity to be here.'}, {'start': '3341.920', 'end': '3348.640', 'text': "You're welcome. Thank you. I so can't"}, {'start': '3344.079', 'end': '3348.640', 'text': 'wait for part two. Bring it on.'}]