A Name Means A Lot
Over the past 2 years, I’ve spent a lot more time than I ever intended on thinking about my name and trying to assert myself as an individual. I will say it has made me stronger and bolder, and you know, experience is good. And of course the reality check of “hey, the world is kind of racist”.

I basically grew up in an Asian and multicultural bubble where racism didn’t often cross my mind the way it has in recent years. I grew up dancing with other Chinese girls and people could tell us apart. It was never an issue. I don’t think I once got called the wrong name. And if I did, it only happened once and wasn’t an ongoing thing. In high school, I wasn’t called the wrong name but teachers just didn’t know my name, but whatever, I was the quiet kid who did her work and didn’t cause trouble or anything. But, musical theatre school. 2 Chinese girls in my year. Not a lot of people of colour in this program or my year or the field or whatever. So the number of times I was called the name of the only other Chinese girl in my class, it was incredibly infuriating. And of course we look nothing alike. Then excuses became comments like “I grew up watching Michelle Kwan the figure skater so that’s why I keep calling you that.” And for me, growing up Chinese, as a Kwan, I know for a fact there are many other Kwans out there. Whether it’s Kwan, Quan, Guan, Quon, Kwon. I guess you can try and justify it by saying we both have “M” names, but still not the point and not at all an excuse. There are 2 Asian students and that’s what happens. We get called each others’ names and it is shitty. It feels othering, and to an extent, dehumanizing when the one text I’ve known my whole life, my name, is what instructors keep getting wrong. Especially when our program is so small. It hurts. I think about it for weeks and weeks after it’s happened. Hell, I think about it for years after it’s happened. I don’t think those experiences and that impact will ever go away. At this point, it has become a running joke amongst my friends or “shade” being thrown amongst people who know the situation and who are also sick of this happening to me.

While a little name mix up may seem innocent and “just a mistake”, when it happens over and over again, it becomes a micro aggression. I hate that other people’s mistakes make me feel insecure about myself and force me to question my identity. To ask myself: “am I not standing out enough? Do they not care about me? What do I need to do so that they notice me? What do I need to do to be seen?” Which shouldn’t be my burden in the first place, really. But in a field where selling yourself and being seen is everything, it feels like it’s my fault. It feels like I have to change everything about myself to be successful. It also makes me feel like I have to distance myself from other Asians to try and prevent us from getting mixed up. It makes me start to dislike my name, which is something that is so special to me and is something I love and that my parents love. I have always loved being Chinese-Canadian, and I do now more than ever, but dealing with these things has made me realize how hard it is. I do also feel lucky to not have had to deal with more intense or blatant racism, so I will acknowledge my privilege in that sense.

In doing some research regarding this name mix up thing, I found that this happens to a lot of Asians. Which is messed up. We are not a monolith.

Here are some highlights that make my point in words I feel are more eloquent than my own:

“When you call an Asian-American student by another Asian-American student’s name, you communicate age-old tropes such as ‘All Asians look alike”’or ‘Asianness is not normal’ or ‘I can’t tell you apart.’ The weight of those tropes, coupled to the weight of the cumulative effect, is what transforms a mistake into a microaggression.”

“When we struggle to remember the names of our students of color, this is about more than aging. In fact, in most cases, it’s primarily about living in segregated worlds. It’s literally about white educators seeing black students as looking alike, seeing Asian-American students as looking alike, and seeing Latino students as looking alike — while seeing white students as individuals.”

Both of those excerpts are from a Teaching While White post from October 2017.

This name mix up situation has also happened to Crazy Rich Asians actors. People Magazine misnamed/misidentified/lazily identified some Asian actors in a photo in 2019:

“The magazine initially identified Ronny Chieng and his wife, Hannah Pham, as Randall Park and Jae W. Suh, both of whom were not in ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ at all. People also mistook Tan Kheng Hua as Michelle Yeoh, who was not in the picture.”

Also, the Harry Potter Card Game. Cho Chang. This is not the actress that played Cho Chang on the card for Cho Chang. This is another Asian actress in the movie. (Also, the naming of Cho Chang? Seems lazy and… somewhat questionable to me.)

Point is: Put in the effort to not do it. And if you do it once, apologize and don’t make us feel guilty and feel like we have to console you or say “it’s ok”, because it’s not. Respect me and my name and my identity.

So from all of this experience, I’ve been thinking about what I want to be called or what could be an alternate name. (Even though I love my name and I shouldn’t be responsible for having to make it easier for these people, and I won’t.) But some fun jokes and thoughts popped into my head ranging from “they should just call me by my last name then” to “you can call me by my Chinese name if that’s easier”. And recently, through watching Chinese shows, I’ve been thinking “huh, what if I go by Wenwen” (my Chinese name is Qianwen/倩雯 so my nickname or could be 雯雯). But for now, Mikayla is good.

All this to say, I’m constantly working on unpacking my Chinese-Canadian identity and fighting to be seen. I’m grateful to be Chinese-Canadian and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
['Mikayla Kwan']
['Representation', 'Microaggressions', 'Asian Canadian', 'Asian American', 'Asian']