How To Kiss
Photo by Alejandra Quiroz on Unsplash

Kissing; or “mouth landing” as many experts call it, is easy once you know the proper steps. You may have gone to many Italian restaurants with candles and left without kisses because you were embarrassed to admit you didn’t know how, but the following is an instruction manual, which is a better way to learn than internet videos.

Identify the Mouth

Kissing is much harder when you don’t know what a mouth is; but it is the opening on your head that emits sighs and is where you put popcorn. It is also the body part for you and your kissing partner that you’ll use the most in kissing. Advanced kissers (or “kissets” if it is a female kisser) can incorporate other body parts, or even household objects, into their kissing but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Assess the Mood

Despite what you’ve heard from the radio, kissing is not an activity for anyplace or anyone. Kissing in the wrong environment could have disastrous results, such as the Gulf War, which was started because of a poorly planned kiss. You cannot kiss in daylight. Kissing should only be done: next to a velvet curtain, if holding an ornate glass bottle, if your name is Francois, or at any point while at sea. The old saying “if you kiss in an elevator, a janitor will get a raise,” is true.

Pick the Right Type of Kiss

There are different kinds of kisses and like slang or the flow of toilets, the types depend on where you are in the world: America, the United Kingdom, Australia, or “other.” We will only cover the American types of kisses here so if you are traveling please respect that country’s customs. There are “soft kisses,” which are done mainly on an extended forearm and can only be done if the giver of the kiss has a small mustache. There are “big kisses,” which is any kiss that is three feet or larger. Lastly, there are “French Kisses,” which you only get if you find a bottle of French’s Mustard on sale.

Practice Safe Kissing

Before you begin a kiss, remove all objects from your mouth except your teeth. It’s a good idea to establish a safe word with your partner so if at any time you or your co-kisser become frightened you can stop. The preferred safe word is “Doily.”

How Long Should A Kiss Last?

4 to 16 minutes.

Stick the Landing!

You may think you now know all there is to know about kissing, but knowing how to stop is a crucial step, without which you could harm yourself, even fatally. An easy, common, way to stop is to tap your kissing partner’s shoulder to let them know this kiss has concluded. Once you two have disentangled and have wiped down it is customary to ensure they know by saying, “This kiss is over.”
['Rodney Uhler']
['Humor', 'Man Piece', 'Romance', 'Satire', 'Love']