How often have we heard the remark “you should have known better”?
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How often have we heard the remark “you should have known better”? Every time a (poor) decision turns your life on its head the world wastes no second in reminding you of your misplaced cerebral prowess. A mistake, a wrong choice, a flawed step, a hunch ignored, or a sign unseen- and you suddenly do not know better. “You were too smart for something like that”; you are the rational one. Like the rational consumer feeding themselves till their guts bloat and burst, or the rational offender who pry on vulnerable targets at the right alloy of space and time. Them rationals don’t get lost; them mastered the correct moves, and know when to retreat. I did too; until I didn’t. When the error has finally dawned to you, you would only be reiterating to yourself what the world would too if handed undue access- “how could you be so stupid?”

The questions will haunt for a good while if we are not kinder to ourselves. We may shut out the reproach of the world but how do we delude ourselves? I tried; it didn’t work. So I ended up asking, why should I? No, there is no saving from the rather tangible repercussions, perhaps. But the self need not add to it lest we end up seeking an escape from it. It is dreadful on the edge. You do not want the abyss to stare back at you. Thus, I looked for other escapes: admission and acceptance; perhaps someday forgiveness too, if and when I finally can.

Here is what I learnt. We could not possibly have had a life without taking a few wrong turns. It is not about glorifying any deviance or shrugging off responsibility. But we can never be too smart to not fuck up. There is no dignity to it either, no matter how hard some people try to push for it. Our choices, good or bad are our own; rational or not, they are what make our lives. And lives are effing complicated- its very curse and also, beauty. We don’t become Alice for expecting the roads to not have pits. Roads should not have pits.

Yes, we must learn or lessons and own it up. Or not? That choice should be ours too. There is no resolution to be found in shaming ourselves for not knowing “better”. It is only an awful disservice we could do to our entire journey, which is a sum of all the experiences- the good, the bad, and the ugly; and to what we cultivate from there. Indeed, the quest for an evolved self from there is almost comical. It is a worthy pursuit, however; but not to be pushed for either. Nothing about this process is transient and it shouldn’t be for it to work. We learn, discover, and invent throughout it all.

No, there is no big mantra I have discovered about life or its meaning thereof. Honestly, I do not even want to. That is just ceasing the whole essence of life. We do all just try our best to survive (oh well, preferably by not making anyone else’s worse off). All we can do is conjure up our very own spells to make it easier to go on. I tell myself that there can be no survival without having a few slips; I allow myself to add any frills I see fit and not be exceedingly wary of tripping on the hem; I let myself feel every emotion because they are valid but I do not engage in self-reproach or pity; I don’t discount the learnings nor glorify them as being warranted for any ‘growth’. I have saved all explanations; absolutely redundant. Nobody else has to understand what I did, and why did that. The only person it should make sense to is myself. Indeed, tad cynical. But then you survive. And if done well, even learn to joke about it at some point. After all, we have all got a hungry heart.
['Nadeen Purna']
['Mistakes', 'Choices', 'Acceptance', 'Self Love', 'Life']