The Looming Anniversary
I avoid answering questions that give away too much. One must remain a creature of mystery. Don’t get me wrong, I love risk. But you are not a risk I am willing to take.

Yet it doesn’t change the fact that our relationship was built on a gamble. It wasn’t born out of love or passion. The only reason we’re together is because I enjoy tempting fate. It’s one of my many fabulous flaws. I enjoy a good dare. I can still smell the singed hairs from my last one.

Yet, here we are, together in this mess. Were — until yesterday. Pushing the “pause” button on our relationship might be the easiest thing I’ve ever done. The first thing that crossed my mind as I put our “perfect” status to rest was the bottle of wine you’d promised me for our three-month anniversary.

Friday the 15th. This Friday.

And that’s how I began to question my materialistic tendencies again. I could very well buy myself a bottle of wine. Yet what I desire is the one you promised me. Our bottle. I immediately descend into a swirling chaos of questions.

The first one: do I want that bottle of wine so much because I’m secretly hoping that we are going to make it to our three-month anniversary?

Question number two: do I have a drinking problem? If I can’t stop myself from fantasizing about a cheap bottle of wine, then I must have a problem.

Number three: do any of these questions make any sense? Maybe, maybe not, but they are my questions, so I’m going to do my best to answer them. I wouldn’t want them to feel neglected. They deserve better.

We all do. Even you. I know my worth and still, that hasn’t stopped me from wondering whether you deserve more than I could offer you. Is that question number four? This is exhausting.

I’m the one always dealing the deck, shuffling the cards, rolling the dice. Because boredom is not my friend. I know that. At least, not the kind of friend that shows up unannounced when you’re bedridden, cooks and cleans for you while you lay there like an overcooked piece of spaghetti, feeds you, does the dishes, and then leaves you to enjoy your privacy. No.

She draws me in with her fun little games, throwing her childish dares in my face. Except this game had “DANGER” written all over it. BIG, red letters. I couldn’t say no. I deal the rules of the game and you’re just a pawn in my hands.

I keep waiting for the moment you’ll pick up the dice and make your own rules. Maybe that’s what I was trying to do all along — get you to play me by your rules.

I wanted you to take a chance for a change. I wanted you to taste the drama. But drama doesn’t taste as good when you’re the one stuck in the middle. Maybe things would have been different had you not been so afraid of taking risks. The only chance you ever took in your life was me. And look where that got you. Isn’t this fun?
['Nina Rosca']
['Short Story', 'Self', 'Love', 'Relationships', 'Nonfiction']