Human Flaws
I once had a boyfriend who told me at the start of our relationship that he never really broke up with a girl. He just stopped calling. I filed away this information for future reference, but I believed his practice was cowardly. And of course that’s how I knew he had broken up with me. He just stopped calling. I thought it was taking the easy way out. and I still think so. But I’ve mellowed my judgement somewhat due to my own flaws.

I’ve returned to that long-ago time because I now see that I’ve been doing the same thing. Although I never broke up with a guy by not telephoning him, I used the same behavior to say goodbye to friends whom I didn’t want to speak to any more. So, if years ago I judged my former boyfriend to be a coward, then I would have to apply that same judgement to me. At least I wouldn’t be hypocritical.

I’ve acted this way more than I care to remember. Just the other day a friend left a long message on my phone. She wanted me to return the call. Common courtesy would dictate that I do this, but I’ve noticed that as I age, I’ve dropped some of the politesse I thought I had developed as a mature adult. I was willing to lose her as a friend because I frankly felt annoyed when she called.

An extremely bright ex-veterinarian, she was the kind of person I disliked and tired of eventually because she just talked too much for my tastes. I could not stand hearing all the endless details of every boring or mildly titillating anecdote she might relate. I could do it in the beginning when our relationship was new, but after many cumulative hours of phone conversations, I could not tolerate it anymore. And, of course I was too cowardly to tell her the truth, perhaps because the truth said more about my flaws than her non-stop conversations.

I could never really have a conventional onversation with her because once she started on a subject, she wouldn’t get off it until I heard every specific figure, statistic, characteristic, etc. She painted all the walls twice over.

I didn’t have the interest or the patience to listen to all that information, and frequently I was scared by what she said about animals and their illnesses since I have dogs and cats and am always worrying about them. I didn’t want to hear something bad that I might apply to one of my pets.

That is why I never return her calls. That is also why I’m ashamed of my cowardice. Shame and guilt are the price I pay for my cowardice. She is not the first person I’ve treated in this way. It’s become a shortcut for me. This is the new way I cull relationships.

I had a longterm friendship with a woman in NYC, but after many years of listening to her problems about her husband and her career, I just couldn’t take it any more. So instead of getting on the phone and telling her this, I took the “easy way out.” I just stopped calling and answering the phone when she rang. I didn’t mean to be cruel, but of course I was cruel. Yet I could ‘t come up with another alternative. A letter would only open the door to more verbal give-and-take, and that would put me back in the same spot.

In my defense I need to lay out all my cards. I am chronically depressed and have endured some rough patches. Part of my cruelty and cowardice is self-protective. I no longer can give myself to people who are using me as a sounding board. They like me — that’s a given — but they like me for the very reason I cannot return their friendship anymore. They want my admiration, my sycophancy, my attention, my delight in their every word, and I can no longer even fake it. I am too fragile to listen idly by or express approbation.

If this makes me a cruel coward like my ex-boyfriend whom I silently chastised over and over during the months after he stopped calling, then so be it. I am as flawed as the next person. I have been humbled by my cowardice, and I will continue to pay the price if need be. I’m not proud of this, but I feel too burdened by abject honesty to act any differently.

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['Janice Arenofsky']
['Human Flaws', 'Goodbye', 'Cowardice', 'Beyourself', 'Courage']