I Have To Become My Own Parent
I Have To Become My Own Parent

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Many people go to therapy to heal from childhood trauma. I am one of those people. A tumultuous upbringing has left deep wounds that I have to address now as an adult. The relationship between mother and child is sacred, which makes the pain they inflict twice as sharp.

Reparenting is the act of giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child. — The Holistic Psychologist.

My childhood was unique in the fact that I had one present parent, my mother, and another who was trying desperately to be in my life but was forcefully kept away. Her emotional volatility leads to instability. The most important thing a child needs is stability. The constant fluctuations in her mood made me walk on eggshells. The roller coaster ride of her finances had us going from steaks to ramen and back constantly. It was a lot to be in the middle of. It was difficult to wake up wondering which mom you would get that day. The loving, caring, driven mom or the angry, vicious, irresponsible mom.

When I moved out at 17 I realized I had to do two important things; start therapy and give myself everything I didn’t have as a kid. I knew I had a very hurt child still inside of me. I was still a hurt child at the time, given that I was 17 but I knew I needed healing. That's where the hard part began.

Reparenting yourself is difficult. It required me to learn how to be a mother and learn how to console a hurting child all at once. The only person who can make things better is me so I have to do this but how? How can I be hurt and heal at the same time? Now I have to unlearn negative beliefs and teach myself new habits.

I have to be a mother to myself to heal the incredibly hurt child within. To admit what happens hurt me exposes raw fleshy parts of myself. My womb is barren. Empty. Filled with nothing but potential. I never wanted children now I realized that might be because I had to be my own parent all along. There is this weird paradox of being a mother and child. The range of self is great.

The power within ourselves is great. I don’t have to hurt forever because the power to heal is within me. It’s within each one of us. That’s what drives me forward.
['Chitara Smith']
['Healing', 'Healing From Trauma', 'Therapy', 'Parenting', 'Love']