The Story of the Three Little Hoarders
The Story of the Three Little Hoarders

a surreal fable for our times

Once upon a time, Three Little Hoarders got wind of a new pandemic sweeping through their countryside. They set out to build their bunkers, to ride out the storm.

The First Little Hoarder built his bunker out of toilet paper. He stacked the rolls as tightly as he could, stretched a few reams across the top for a roof, and cozied himself inside.

Along came the Big Bad Virus, and yelled “Come out you Little Hoarder, for I will Spread, and Disperse, and I’ll blow your house in!”

“No! I’m the heir of survivalist kin!”

And so the Big Bad Virus Spread, and he Dispersed, and he knocked down the toilet paper bunker of the First Little Hoarder, and vanquished him on the spot.

The Second Little Hoarder built his bunker out of non-perishable food items. He stacked the canned beans and Spam as tightly as he could, filled the gaps in with granola bars, tiled a roof out of cereal boxes, and barricaded himself inside.

Soon enough, the Big Bad Virus appeared, and roared “Come out you Little Hoarder, for I will Spread, and Disperse, and I’ll blow your house in!”

“No! I’m the heir of survivalist kin!”

And so the Big Bad Virus Spread, and he Dispersed, and he toppled the canned food bunker of the Second Little Hoarder, and ravaged his body for weeks.

The Third Little Hoarder built his bunker out of surplus medical protective equipment. He layered the boxes of N-95 masks as tightly as he could, filled the gaps in with rubber gloves, fashioned a tarp out of surgical gowns, and snuggled himself inside.

The Big Bad Virus eventually found this bunker as well, and fumed “Come out you Little Hoarder, for I will Spread, and Disperse, and I’ll blow your house in!”

“No! I’m the heir of survivalist kin!”

And so the Big Bad Virus Spread, and he Dispersed, and he tried his hardest to infiltrate the bunker of the Third Little Hoarder. The bunker held up for a long time, but the Big Bad Virus eventually managed to squeeze through a narrow opening. He found his way into the orifices of the Third Little Hoarder, traveled down his air passages and burrowed himself inside his lungs.

This laid the Third Little Hoarder out pretty bad. He ached, shivered, sweated, ran a fever, gasped for air.

But after a few days he recovered.

Because Statistics.

Oh yeah, and the Big Bad Virus lived on happily ever after.

Life isn’t always like a fairy tale, kind readers.
['Joe Váradi']
['Humor', 'Satire', 'Survival', 'Fiction', 'Fairy Tale']