How I've coped with loss

7/27/2010 07:53:00 PM Ashley 1 Comments

This post is going to take a little turn away from our travels.

Recently I received a comment from a reader who wanted to know how I coped with my mother's passing and I felt that the question deserved it's very own post. Hopefully what I have to say will help the reader and anyone else who has/is going through a loss. Please keep in mind that this is how I dealt with my mother's passing and that I understand that everyone handles things differently.

Surround yourself with people who you love/who love you, but at the same time don't feel badly asking for time to yourself. While it was amazing to have the support of so many people, there were times that I just wanted a moment to myself. On the flip side don't spend too much time alone. I found that this was the quickest way to fall into the "what ifs" of life. Find a balance that works for you.

Also, don't be afraid to cry, if you need to, do it. Almost 5 years later I still have moments where I just break down and cry. It's not pretty, but it helps get it out. If the loss just recently happened, don't feel badly if you can't cry anymore. After about the 3rd-4th day I just couldn't cry any more. There was a solid week where I just couldn't do it...I couldn't even force myself to cry. Just because you aren't crying doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt. Nothing aggravated me more then when someone acted like I didn't miss my mom because I wasn't able to show it at that moment.

I wasn't able to do this right away, but I did things that helped remind me of my mom. I got back into crafts and started cooking more (using her recipe cards). I talked about her to my husband. I made sure that I have pictures of her up. Though getting to the point where I could do those things and see her picture took me months.

If I can I take the day she passed as a day for myself. I still have no idea how exactly I will react, and I want to be ready for whatever my emotions throw at me. Like this year I had a total forgetful moment. I forgot that the day was coming, but my mind knew. The night before I woke up crying and kept crying. Then it hit me that I had forgotten and I cried more. Two years ago I was fine. You just never know.

Most of all, I always know that my mom loved me and that I loved her. She made me into the person that I am today and I am forever grateful for that. While I wish I could have had more time with her, I am so very glad that I got the time that I did. She may be gone, but I still think about her and love her more than ever. That is the most important thing to me being able to get through the day.

I also keep in mind that if I ever feel like I am just not coping properly that I can see someone for help. I think it's so important to know when you are no longer able to handle the grieving by yourself. If that happens, seek help, because you can't go through this alone.

One last thing, whoever said it gets easier is full of it. Yes there are easy days, but at the same time I have awful days. It hurts as much and sometimes more then when she passed away. That is something I wasn't prepared for.

In the end every day I wake up knowing I need to live my life for myself and in honor of the woman who gave me life and raised me.

For those that have lost, I am so very sorry. There is no easy way to go through it, and sadly I know how much it hurts. My thoughts are with you and I hope what I had to say helps you in some way. Know that you are not alone, and if you ever need help or to just talk, please email me.

1 comment :

  1. Thank you. This really did help and I know what you mean about not being able to cry. I went three whole days until I broke down again. I can't believe 5 August will already be one whole month. This just seems so unreal. I miss my Dad and I did feel that not crying was almost disrespectful in a way. On one hand I want to cry and on the other I simply cannot. Sometimes I am just too tired to cry and others I just feel dehydrated. The crying comes in bursts and even though I don't cry for long periods, the short moments that I do cry...I cry HARD!

    My little brother has the ashes and in a way I think it might be helping him. I find that the hardest times for me are at night when your mind wanders. My Dad used to send me a text (several actually) every single day. They would always start "Hi, it's Dad" and end with "love you very much, Dad." Yes, when my Dad figured out how to text, he never stopped! This used to crack my brother and I up. Obviously I knew it was him as he shows up on caller ID, but moments like that I miss the most. It's hard to accept that there are no calls coming in and I will never read another text from my Dad. The only calls I get anymore are condolence wishes and I really am not up to taking them. It still feels too soon.

    Did you ever avoid the phone? I know people mean well but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry about your Dad" several times a day. It's like throwing it in my face continuously. My only thought is "yeah, trust me, you're not as sorry as I am." I know it's rude but sometimes I just can't deal with people. Nothing makes it easier, nothing makes it better...

    My Mom lost her Mom almost 5 years ago and she is a great source of support. She once said "it doesn't get easier, it will never get easier but as time goes on, you grow more used to it." She always said losing her Mom was the greatest pain she has ever felt and now I know how she feels. I miss my Dad more each day. I would do anything to have him back, one more hug, one more phone call...I miss him.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to create this post. I check every day and seeing this made me so happy. Of course it's not a happy subject, but having people around you that care is a great blessing. I know your beloved Mom is sleeping in the arms of angels. I take comfort in knowing my Dad is doing the same.

    Sorry for the novel :)