Listen up, LeBron: It's time to be like Mike and go bald

LeBron James has more important things to worry about than losing his hair, Sentinel columnist David Whitley says.
LeBron James has more important things to worry about than losing his hair, Sentinel columnist David Whitley says. (Ron Schwane/Associated Press)

Like a lot of men, LeBron James has a problem. I'm here to help.

James says he is chasing Michael Jordan. Here's how to do it:


Look in the mirror, take out a razor, shave your head.

It's time James embraced his baldness and promoted a national conversation about this crisis. It really came to light last week when Joe Buck, the voice of Fox Sports, admitted he had a problem.


"I, Joseph Francis Buck, became a hair-plug addict," he wrote in his new book.

It was 1993, and he'd just undergone his first hair-replacement procedure. Buck eventually had seven more, then something went awry on the last one.

Buck awoke from the anesthesia with a paralyzed vocal cord. He didn't want to tell anyone what happened, so he told people he had a virus. He now admits what his real problem was.

"It was vanity," Buck said. "Pure vanity."

That's sad but understandable, seeing how much baldism still exists in America. We've had only three bald presidents (and today's grand prize goes to the first reader who can name them).

I don't want to say James is vain, but he does have a personal barber he brought with him to Cleveland from Miami. The barber swears LeBron's noggin hasn't been painted or plugged, but expecting the truth out of him is like expecting Mike Pence to admit Donald Trump uses plugs made of Vladimir Putin's chest hair.*

Take it from a guy who knows, LeBron. Creeping baldness is nothing to be ashamed of. It's often due to an excess of testosterone, which the body converts into dihydrotestosterone, a follicle-killing molecule.

And yes, I just wanted to use the word "dihydrotestosterone.''

The truth, LeBron, is you and I have too much testosterone. Dang it, we're just too manly to have Fabio hair.

So were NBA legends like Jordan, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Dwight D. Eisenhower (oops, consider that a clue to today's quiz). And look what embracing baldness did for Andre Agassi.

He started losing his glorious mullet at 19. He said he lost his French Open final because he was petrified his wig was going to fly off.

Agassi finally decided to stop living a lie. Coincidentally, he went from No. 110 to No. 1 after embracing his baldness.

"When I did that, I never felt freer in my life," he recently told Business Insider. "It was like a weight off my shoulders. I hated feeling like a fraud."

I'm pretty sure LeBron will never wear a mullet wig. But he'll need every conceivable weight off his shoulders if he's going to accomplish his ultimate goal.

"My motivation is this ghost I'm chasing," he told Sports Illustrated. "The ghost played in Chicago."

He didn't mean Jay Cutler. The ghost he meant looked in the mirror when he was about 25, saw the future and grabbed a razor.

So if LeBron really wants to be like Mike, the best way is to be like Mike.

Hail to the Bald Chief

Based on their official portraits, only John Quincy Adams, Martin Van Buren and Ike really qualified as chrome domed while in office. If you got them right, go to nearest Hair Club for Men and tell them Mike Bianchi sent you.

Be Like Ted

Rockies second baseman DJ LeMahieu won the NL batting title after sitting out both game last weekend to protect his .348 average. In 1941, Ted Williams refused to sit out the season-ending doubleheader to protect his .400 batting average.

Then he went off and flew combat missions.

They sure don't make guys with dihydrotestosterone like they used to.


The Sacramento Kings' new Golden 1 Center will have 23 single-occupancy all-gender bathrooms, 54 multiple-use bathrooms based on gender identity and an 18-foot technicolor statue of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh outside that cost $8 million.

In related news, DeMarcus Cousins said he will re-sign with the Kings if they build a 50-foot technicolor statue of him and allow him to use the men's room in peace.

Parting Shots

•After the LSU-Florida game was postponed, Vegas bookies moved the over-under to zero. Three LSU fans reportedly took the over.

•Friday was the 100th anniversary of Georgia Tech beating Cumberland 222-0. Contrary to earlier reports, FSU defensive coordinator Charles Kelly was not Cumberland's coach.

•* To meet the FCC Fairness Doctrine, we must point out that we tried to ask the Clinton campaign if Hillary has hair plugs, but Tim Kaine kept interrupting.