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Spunky Foonerism

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Posts posted by Spunky Foonerism

  1. I'm contemplating my navel while contemptuously plating a navel [orange]. My outie is full of insight, but the site of my innie is outta sight! I'm lost in wonder as I wander where I lost 'er. I'm an old soul who sold some cold coal to an old soldier, and I'm an artful dodger who hurls darts at the heart of a fartful codger. I'm a bold hand-holder, a gold-standard mold hoarder, and a ham-handed jam handler.


    This all just proves that Carlen was a true genius. Like Roger Bannister running the 4 minute mile, many people can accomplish something after a pioneer proves it can be done! Now where's my comedy money, because mine is seriously so good.

    • Like 8

  2. Holy crap, I've only been gone for like, a year, and Dalton goes from looking like American Psycho to looking like a young Charlie Manson!


    Just wanted to pop in and say I still love the show and listen every day. Chef Kevin is too big for his britches, so its good that he got taken down a peg. Tom is also too big for HIS britches, so I think Intern Andy needs to come back and bust him down next. I guess that's it.

    • Like 10

  3. Hey Hayes and Sean! Wanted to check in and say I still listen to this show every day, and I still like it a lot.


    Here is a joke I wrote for you:


    I am on a new diet that makes me so regular. Nowadays I take a dump exactly 30 minutes after my first cup of coffee in the morning. I feel great, but the people I rideshare with are pretty mad that I keep shitting in the car.

    • Like 9

  4. Here's a joke I thought of the other day. Sorry for those of you who already heard it.

    Dude comes back to his table from the bathroom and says, "Bro this is the filthiest restaurant I've ever been in. You're not going to believe this, but the toilet seat was covered in cum!"

    His friend said "OK that sounds gross but how do you know it was actually cum?"

    First dude gives him a dirty look and says "Uhh, bro, I think I know what cum tastes like."


    I dedicate this joke to my friends Sean and Hayes.


    • Like 11

  5. Sean, to celebrate your 30th birthday I've set up the world's biggest scavenger hunt. There are 30 clues placed in secret locations around the United States and if you find them all you will get a huge and radical present. To start you off, here's a hint: the first clue is somewhere in: "the city of angels. "

    Good luck, and most importantly, have fun!

    • Like 18

  6. There are some subtle differences between this re-recording and the howl premium episode it is based on. It's a lot cleaner than the first one, but for me there is a charm to the looseness and rawness of the original recording. Sure the jokes are a little tighter the second time around, less fumbling, but I'm not sure it was worth all the trouble. Honestly, I almost wish that they had recorded a new Hollywood Handbook episode instead.

    • Like 12

  7. This episode makes me yearn for the glorious halcyon days of yesteryear, back when a mouse skellington was too scary, and the popcorn gallery was because it's movies yeah, and the boys were trying to overtake wolf den on the earwolf pod rankings. I feel like nowadays it's all splitsider encomiums and podmass mentions. When was the last time you got a hayzie bone like, or were asked to call in and be a guest because they couldn't find anyone? The show is too successful my friends, and the kindest thing we can do is stop listening to it until it is on the brink of failure again. That's the only way to get Sean and Hayes to pay attention to us like they used to.


    PS great ep, I laughed a lot! A real, real lot.

    • Like 10

  8. Recently I've been struggling to make vegetarian suet to put in my birdfeeder.* Normally I buy manufactured suet cakes from the birdseed store that's up the hill from my house, but when I went there on Saturday they were completely out of them. Now I knew that suet is basically solid fat plus various healthy bird treats like nuts and seeds and stuff, so I figured maybe I could make some with coconut oil in place of the usual beef lard that's in most store-bought suet cakes. I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes at me right now, and I know what you're thinking. The melting point of coconut oil is barely above room temperature, and you want to put it outside? In Atlanta? In the SUMMER? I obviously already knew that, because I'm not an IDOIT, but I found a suet recipe online and somebody in the comments said they substituted coconut oil and it didn't melt even in southern Louisiana, so I figured I'd be ok. It called for a 1 to 1 mixture of fat (coconut oil in my case) and peanutbutter, plus some flour, so I guessed maybe that formed some sort of matrix that kept the cake from melting, i don't know. What am I, a food chemist? So anyway, I followed the recipe, except I put flax seeds into it instead of nuts. Not for any special reason, I simply happened to have a bag of flax seeds in the pantry. I froze the suet in a plastic tub to give it a nice brick shape that would fit the feeder. Long story short, a few hours later I took the suet block out and put it in the feeder. The birds found it within a couple minutes, which was encouraging, but less encouraging were the droplets i could see all over the suet brick. Well...turns out that was condensation because the suet was still cold from the freezer, so I thought maybe I was in the clear. No such luck. Once the block thawed out, it totally melted and fell through the wires of the feeder, and made a nasty barf-looking puddle on the ground below. Man oh man, can I tell you something? I was very discouraged. I was starting to think my whole homemade suet project was a failure and that I'd have to wait until the birdseed store got a new shipment of suet cakes, which could take an entire week. That's a whole week of pissed off birds landing on the empty feeder and glaring in at me, and who needs that kind of hassle?


    To make matters worse, I went up to the seed shop today, and they still hadn't restocked. The owner said the suet cakes probably wouldn't arrive till next week! I don't mind telling you, that put me into a bit of a panic. But then I remembered something a good friend once told me: "if you simmer flax seeds in a little bit of water, they secrete a thick gelatin-like substance, maybe try to use some of that as a binding agent to keep the coconut oil cake from dissolving." I remember it like it was yesterday, but in reality she gave me this suggestion back on Saturday and I ignored it at the time. :P With new resolve, I threw two tablespoons of flax seeds into a pot with about 1/4 cup of simmering water and stirred it until it began to thicken. In the meantime, I took my remaining coconut oil cake from the freezer and melted it in the microwave. It was only a few minutes before it was time to mix the original recipe with the flax seed gelatin-like goop. Then I packed the resulting soft doughy mixture back into the mold and put it back in the freezer. I was sweating bullets when I put the new version of the suet into the feeder about an hour ago, but damn if it isn't holding up like a champ! So even in these trying times, some stories do have a happy ending!**


    *I know birds don't care about eating animal products. They are voracious little monsters with no conscience. BUT, I am vegetarian and so I don't keep beef lard in my house. I could have bought some at the grocery store, but I felt weird about it even though I wouldn't be eating it myself.


    **Oh, also if the flax seed gelatin subsititute failed I was going to try again using agar. I bet that would have worked equally well, so if you have agar but no flax seeds, you may want to give it a try. If you do, please post your results here, I'll be interested to know how it works for you.


    PS good Hollywood Handbook ep, very funny. Please don't cut Hayes out of the podcast in the future, even for a joke. He's very nice and I honestly think the show wouldn't be as good without him.


    Edit: i just checked the outside temperature and its only 74 degrees fahrenheit. Now I'm super worried that the reason the cake isn't melting is because its cool out, and not because of my awesome flax-seed invention. When it warms up outside I'll update this. Keep me in your prayers! :unsure:

    • Like 13

  9. Wow can't believe you made such a rookie mistake. I learned about Flaubert translation scams on my first day using the Internet.


    Internet scammer: "I'm a Nigerian prince, and I spend my days translating Flaubert into English. I would like to share it with you, my friend, but I am sorry that I must request $1.75, in advance, to defray the cost of my amazon reseller account and to pay down my student loans."


    Nohorseman: "Seems legit, lemme go find my wallet. "

    • Like 8