Heart to Heart: March 26, 2021


Move along George
Dear Hillary,
A while ago, a chap called “George” wrote about his GF who watched TV while he “performed”. Well George you must be quite a lover if TV excited your date. I have found Thai women to be more attractive/creative/participating/affordable, sexually, than others around the globe and most, not all, but most, more accommodating when it comes to pampering the man, yes even some like you George, regardless of, often, public fondling/boorishness/ill groomed/selfish/cheap (Choose any 2 George!), and frequently see the object of their utter distaste a second or third time.

Dear Don,
I think you have a phrase in America (how do I know this?) saying “The pot calling the kettle black.” Our George gets everything he deserves. The only advice I have for him is to lose the remote or pull the plug out on the TV.

Warning! Warning! Warning! OAP beware!
Dear Hillary,
I want you to print this letter as a warning for all the old age pensioners who come here. I see the suckers walking down the street with their 17 year old girlfriends, who couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss about the old fellow, as long as the money keeps coming. I want you to tell them just how silly they look. They should stay at home and save the money for a cruise or something.

Dear Jerry,
What a miserable old sod you are. If these “suckers” as you call them, are happy with their 17 year old companion, just what is wrong with that? Your suggestion of sitting in a deck chair looking at the pool on an ocean liner is not half the fun as sitting on a deck chair on Pattaya Beach, having a foot massage and a beer. You wowsers make me annoyed at times!

Women want the last say (that’s normal)
Dear Hillary,
All the letters to you seem to be from men, and many of the older type. Why don’t you get women writing in with their problems too, as I am sure they must have them? I’ve asked a few males I know but I don’t get sensible answers.

Dear Anna,
Yes, it is mainly men who have the problems, and if you look around (the forecourt of your local 7-Eleven will do) you will also see that foreign men outnumber foreign women by a factor of 100:1. With the maths in favor of males, and a reluctance in being misunderstood by women, that should easily explain why letters from ladies are scarce. In fact, you are the first lady this year to come and ask for my invaluable advice. Perhaps some of the feminine gender are put off by the name of the newspaper. Mr. Editor, could we change it to Pattaya Female. That might do the trick.

See the letter above!
Dear Hillary,
There’s plenty of places for men to enjoy the company of the opposite sex around here, but where do ladies go for company? I’m not looking for a long term commitment, but just some fun evenings. I’m English and all I want is some good conversation, a couple of drinks and no heavy stuff. Is this possible, or am I looking for something that isn’t there?

Dear Mardy,
I think you are confusing your aspirations with the local capabilities, my Petal. You are in Thailand. The people here all speak a language known as Pasa Thai. The number of Thai males working in the bars who can actually converse in English would be very small. For that matter, the number of ladies working in the bar that can speak good conversational English is also very small, after you get past “Hello sexy man (lady). Sit down please. Buy me cola?” I am sure that many of the ‘boy bars’ and nightclubs could offer you drinks, some fun evenings with no commitment, and the ‘stuff’ gets as heavy as you (the customer) wants. However, remember you pay for the fun, just as you do in any bar in Thailand. The staff are ‘professional’, if you know what I mean.

What do they teach in schools these days?
Dear Hillary,
You are always crying out for champain (sic) and choclates (sic) when youre (sic) giving advise. Don’t you know there (sic) bad for you? Why do you do it? You are supposed to be setting a good example.

Dear Jasper,
You didn’t do well at school, did you Jasper. Failed O Levels, especially (sorry about using a big word, Petal) spelling. I can see I will have to go through this slowly for you. Champagne and chocolates (note the correct spelling, that’s a boy) are full of calories and because I am underweight, I need the calories to put it back on. I am addicted you could say, and a daily bottle of bubbly would overextend (oops, there I go again with long words, sorry) my budget, so that’s why I look for generous correspondents (people who write in, Petal) in the column. I’m sure you understand. Mark the bottle “For Hillary only” and leave it at the office.