Catching up on the news is a lot like taking hallucinogens and watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: You have no idea which incredibly screwed up parts are actually happening, and which parts were made up in your drug-addled brain.

That's why we tasked our readers with taking recent stories that were big in the news and stripping them of any political bullshit or human bias. The winning submission is below, but first the runners-up ...

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