The Waiting Game

According to my first u/s, I would be 8 weeks today or tomorrow.  According to my ovulation date, I would be 7weeks & 1day.  According to LMP, & my doctor, I am 9 weeks & 5days. Yep - a lot of confusion!  I still don't have any m/c symptoms....  It's been a week & a half since my "threatened miscarriage."  I'm feeling pretty conflicted still.  Not sure if I should get a second opinion, or if I'm playing my cards right in waiting it out.

Over the last weekend I truly have come to grips that I will be okay with the outcome - no matter what that might be.... I've accepted it.  I am an optimistic person when it comes to "hard times."  I know I can be hard-headed when things seems to "go good."  I have gone down the stages of Grief, and then back up the stages again.... Lately, I've caught myself in the angry stage.  Mostly, when I see another pregnant woman, or someone with a small baby.  It's like they are magnified... they are everywhere... crawling out of the woodwork.  I even went to Target today to get some household supplies, and ended up getting lost in the maternity section - of all places!  I feel like God just keeps putting salt in the wound...  If you couldn't tell already, I'm pretty convinced the doctor is right.

Yesterday was nice.  I went to volunteer at church, enjoyed the service.  Then, went to lunch with my in-laws.  We had an almost 2-3 hour conversation about life, and this situation.  It was nice to talk to someone who could relate....  I then went to MOA with my husband.  We got to chat, and just spend some much needed alone time.  I really don't know what I'd do without him & his family! They've been so supportive through all of this, it's been really nice to have so much love & support.

Today I tried to get back to my regular routine.  I went back to crossfit, after 5 days off.  I was still getting winded during what is normally an easy workout for me, and my squat numbers have gone down.  I know I've gained about 12 pounds in the last 2 months.... definitely feeling the effects!  It felt good to move, relieve some stress, and keep my mind off of things for an hour.  I ran my normal errands, and went to work.  Pretty boring day, really.  
I actually had a hard time getting out of bed.  I still feel very fatigued.  Not sure if it's still a pregnancy symptom or a depression symptom - but I stayed in bed for an hour and a half longer than my original wake-up time.  I just wanted to sleep!  My breasts are not sore anymore.  Josh thinks they still look a little swollen - but I can feel they are not.  They tend to itch though - I heard it's a sign of dehydration.  But, I drink A LOT of water.  So, I'm not sure why this new sypmtom has started, but it's annoying.  I constantly have to scratch my boobs lol.  I also noticed that I don't gag when I brush my teeth anymore, either.  I was having a hard time in the morning with that.  I never threw up or anything, but I really had a bad gag reflux.  Only in the morning though.  But, that's now gone.
But, I've never really had any morning sickness... and right now, I kind of wish I had, so I would really know if there's anything in concern.  

I just keep waiting. 
I wait for the spotting.  I wait for the rush of cramping, and physical pain.  I wait to really know if this little one is still alive.  I wait for answers, and I wait for more questions.  I wait to not feel scared anymore.  And, mostly, I wait for closure.  I hate this waiting game.  But, it's all for a reason, right?  God's surely testing my patience, and testing my faith.  Maybe that's what this is all about?  Testing my faith?  
I guess I just don't know. 

I'll just keep waiting...

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