Call the Doctor

Today’s date

Dear Dr. Sanjay Gupta,

I’m writing this letter because I can’t get through to you at your office. I’ve even asked Anderson Cooper to call on my behalf, but apparently you’re not speaking to him either. I can only imagine that it was because he left you behind when you caught H1N1. It’s not his fault Sanj. Without him, they would have to use Wolf Blitzer’s face for the ads. Adults generally do not believe in Santa Claus and they would certainly not believe in a Santa Claus delivering the news.  But that’s all between you and the Cooper, I’m not getting involved.

I just need some advice. And yes, it is medical advice that I seek.

My question is: If were to use my panini grill sandwich maker to check my own breasts and those of my friends, do I need a medical license?

No, right?

I probably would need a facility license, claiming that my kitchen is a clinic. But, to get around that, I thought I would go door to door with my Panini maker, like a Telegram Mammogram. I suppose I can use my French press for the ladies that have itty-bitty-titties.

Hey Guptaminator, why is it that women have to get their boobs squeezed in the first place? We can train dogs to sniff bombs. We can send a broadcast signal around the world and back. We invented Arnold Schwarzenegger. We can’t figure out a better way to find cancer in a sack of flesh? (Sorry to be so crude, it’s just that after 40, it’s just a sack.)

We can’t even agree on what age to check the bindles.

Hey, here’s an idea. Going back to the bomb sniffing dogs, can’t we just train them to sniff our boobs? They already sniff our crotches, what’s one more inappropriate and embarrassing interaction with a dog?

Look, I’m just trying to help. Boobs almost destroyed us back when Janet and Justin simulated cool dancing with a nursing bra. I’m also looking for a job. And it so happens that I have experience with a panini maker.

Gimmie the green light, Doc.

Looking forward to hearing from you,


One more thing. Why do the forms from the dentist office ask for your weight? Do they subtract the estimated weight of your teeth to the whole number? I understand if you don’t know, I realize you’re not a dental hygienist.

My Mammo-nini

I wrote this more than a decade ago and it still holds true.