Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...






"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"


They called Mr. Woo...

People say some pine trees are better than others.

I say it’s a matter of a pinyon.

What's the difference between deer nuts and pine nuts?

Pine nuts are expensive at $3.50 a pound but deer nuts are under a buck.

Cow is climbing up the tree..

Crow asks her -" Cow for f sake! Why are climbing on that tree?"

Cow - I want to eat some apples.

Crow - What? That's a pine!! It doesn't grow apples!

Cow - It's ok i took some apples with me.

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

What happens when you put Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Reeve, Chris Pratt and Chris Evans in the same room?

A Chrisis

How do you talk to a bunch of pine trees all at once?

On a coniference call.


It was a pitched battle.

Pine cones

Easy to get in, hard to get out.

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

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A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

Why did the pine tree fall over?

It had too many cones.




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A blind man walks into a lumberyard and asks for a job.

The manager looks at him and says, "what job could I possibly give you that you could do?"

The blind man says, "I can identify any wood by smell."

So, the manager decides to test him. He holds up a board up under the blind man's nose. The blind man takes one whiff and says, "Cherry. D...

What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?

All dressed up, with no place to go.

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

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Help Wanted

A lumber mill posts a help wanted ad for a lumber inspector and receives only one application. When they call the prospective employee in for an interview they realize he is an elderly man who is very clearly blind. The manager is skeptical that a blind man could be a lumber inspector, but after som...

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...


You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...

...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

Eucalyptus street

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over t...

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor

But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...


"No thanks, I've done Kirk"

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Why did Hitler’s alligator pine for his right hand man

He'd had the left one for breakfast



What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?


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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs...

The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"

She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A man goes into a lumberyard for a Job interview.

The manager was impessed with his application, and called him in for an interview. The manager decides to put a blindfold on the man to test his knowledge...

The manager places a length of pine on the table, lets the applicant touch and smell it. Correctly the applicant calls it pine.

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

When is a pig not pork.

When you cook it with pine nuts, it’s a pork you pine.

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?



**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

What do you call a meeting exclusively attended by pine, juniper and fir trees?

A coniference.



Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

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NSFW - Sammy the journeyman NFL player


A teacher asks her class their favorite after school snacks.

“Decklyn,” the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, “what’s your favorite after school snack?”

“Nuts,” he replies.


The boy shakes his head and answers, “Doughnuts.”

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A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“


A tree went to the psychologist...



He ...

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An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...


What's the difference between a quilled mammal and your "practice tree?"

One's a porcupine, the other's a pine you pork.



We take English fo...

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Two guys go moose hunting.....

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.

The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. ...

A Man walkes into a bar...

He orders a drink and get's aware of a bucket full of gold nuggets standing behind the barman. He askes him about that. He replies:

"Well you can win this bucket, by fulfilling three tasks:

At first I gonna give you a full pint of whiskey and you have to drink it all by one.

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A lady walks into a grocery store.




'Oh. I see.'


The Old Coffin


The man kept...




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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

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"I am here about the job"


"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

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A blind man applys for a job at a sawmill...

During his interview the manager asks "why shoud i hire you? your blind!". "well thats simple" the man replies, "I can tell you what kind of wood any board is by smell alone." "well see about that" says the manager. He leaves and returns with a board and lays it on the desk "well what kind of wood i...

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

I just tripped on a tree

It was a real pine in my rear

Tourist mementos.

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all ...

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Blind quality control guy

This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"

The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind gu...

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Fart in the elevator

A Stanley Products saleslady gets in an elevator. She’s the only one on the elevator and has to fart. She lets loose and pulls her sample can of pine air freshener out of her kit and sprays it. Next stop a man gets on. He sniffs and looks around. Figuring she might make a sale she asks, “So, do you...

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A lumber yard joke.

The owner of a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard. He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy until a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um, sir how do you propose you are to work in my lumber yard if you can't se...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

An old man died and his whole family came out to the funeral

It was your typical ceremony, a solemn and somber occasion. As the casket was being carried to the grave site, one of the bearers slipped and lost his grip. The pine box started sliding down the hill of the cemetery and everyone begins to freak out. Thinking fast the priest pulls a lozenge from his ...

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A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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A County Sheriff is driving down a desolate highway, through the woods in Georgia.

He sees a man, completely naked, tied up to a pine tree - arms completely around it, bent down on his knees, with his ass facing the road. The Sheriff pulls over - removes a balled up sock out of the guy's mouth, and asks him what happened.

The guy says, "I picked up a hitchhiker in town 20 ...

My pig stepped on a land mind under a tree…

Now I have a porky pine.
