When libertarians, paleocons, neocons, and Republicans are confronted with a shrieking liberal they usually shoo it away. That’s easy if you don”t live in New York City, Berkeley, LA, or Madison, but those of us mired here in the jungles of hysteria have to come up with other solutions.

It takes a certain type of masochist to live this Sisyphean lifestyle. We can”t bitch about Obama’s ridiculous spending because Bill Maher told them Obama has spent less than any other president. We can”t rail against Fast and Furious because Chris Hayes told them Obama is pro-gun. Whenever you criticize the president, their trained response is that you can”t handle his blackness”oy vey!

I”ve found the only way to calm this yelping beast is to speak to it in its own language.

Let your liberal antagonist bask in their decision to elect Obama. Tell them Obama is cool and smart and articulate. Agree that it is much less embarrassing to hear Obama speak than it was to hear George Jr.’s malapropisms. Once they feel calm and safe, say something soothing like, “Fascism is bad.” Then say how surprised you were when you looked up the word on Wikipedia and discovered it wasn”t a dictatorship where the state runs the entire economy. In fascist economies, the government chooses CEOs to run various monopolies and then leaves them to their own devices. Wait, that sounds like Obama choosing GE to run the Council of Jobs and Competitiveness and Monsanto‘s ex-attorney to run the FDA. The liberal will find this as perplexing as you do. This is where both of you shrug and then make some joke about how inaccurate Wikipedia can be.

“I”ve found the only way to calm this yelping beast is to speak to it in its own language.”

Liberals hate big business and the white men who run it because the whole thing reminds them of their father. Dad was disappointed in them for spending tens of thousands of his dollars at NYU taking Japanese Animation & New Media. Therefore, massage their own daddy complexes by pretending to hate the rich white male father figure as much as they do. As Fran Lebowitz pointed out, “No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million.” Agree with Fran. Say, “These guys aren”t entrepreneurs. They”re slave drivers.” Then you can add, “That’s the saddest part about illegal immigration. It only benefits rich whites in both countries. Poor Mexicans on both sides of the border are worse off for it, and black workers in California are the first ones to lose jobs to illegal”sorry”undocumented workers.” Don”t say, “Multiculturalism is a weakness,” because the liberal hears, “Having a variety of restaurants scares me because I”m racist.” Instead say, “High schools in California have metal detectors and the tension between blacks and Hispanics is getting so bad, it’s bordering on a race war. Why? So rich whites can “steal” another $100 million.”

Once you get into this Trojan Horse method of placating the left, you get to say whatever you want. “I love gays. They”re wonderful. This is why I find it so hurtful when people keep describing the Catholic Church as a place where boys get raped. They know full well it’s not toddlers getting molested but adolescent boys. It’s very clear the ones doing the touching are frustrated homosexuals at war with their own libidos. Catholic-bashing is tantamount to fag-bashing, and we need to have an open discussion about the inner struggle that gays face.”
“Speaking of rape, the statistics we have are probably a fraction of the actual instances of sexual assault.” Calm the militant feminist by agreeing on the social stigma of being attacked and how shame has prevented probably millions of rape victims from speaking. “And it’s always men, never women,” you quietly add while shaking your head. Hopefully, around this time, she”ll say, “Yeah, it’s not like men get raped.” This part gets tricky because it’s such a jump, the liberal brain can get whiplash. Then mumble to yourself, “What about jail?” Look it up on your phone and let your phone take the blame for saying that when you include prison, men get raped far more often than women do.


Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!


Daily updates with TM’s latest