Friday, August 17, 2007

Dear Boca Java,

Now, you know how much I love you. You know that I am passionately fond of your Kenya Kruising, the Boca Sunrise and other rather long list of coffees I enjoy from you regularly; and that I also have a fond place for many of your flavored coffees, like Lee’s Caramel Kiss Island and Beachside Blog.

But really now, we need to have a little talk.

I can’t handle this.

You…you put maple syrup and smoky bacon…IN…my…coffee??

I’m fairly certain this is me, not you. After all, you’ve had the Hound Dog Heaven coffee, flavored with peanut butter and bananas, for as long as I’ve known you. Obviously, other people do not share my irrational phobias around what does and does not “belong” in coffee. My mind is obviously narrow. I have shallow horizons. I lack adventurous spirit.

But I just can’t, I mean c-a-n-’-t, deal with this concept.

It isn’t just the bacon and syrup thing. In some ways, as a person who may on occasion skip that most important meal of the day but NEVER her coffee, it makes perfect sense. All the flavors of a real breakfast, and when my mother asks what I had for breakfast I can mutter, “Coffee, syrup, bacon…” and she will assume that I actually sat down and ate something when in fact all I did was pound back a cup of coffee while standing at the sink yelling things like, “WILL you put on your shoes, DON’T hit your sister and what do you MEAN you were supposed to read 6,273 pages of War and Peace last night and write a fifteen page essay about it?!”

I worry about compatibility issues.

See, I put real maple syrup on my table at home, a flavor which I have been told by some heretics people who obviously lost their taste buds in a tragic McDonald’s Super Pancake Breakfast incident is an ‘acquired taste’. So I mean, what are you using? Are we talking real Vermont syrup flavoring, or that melted plastic with genuine artificial flavorings added most folks consider to be syrup? And what happens if the smoke flavor you’re using in your coffee clashes with the smoke flavor infused by our local meat market into our bacon? I’m pretty sure they use a proprietary blend there, so I worry, YES INDEED I DO WORRY, that if I were to make this coffee at breakfast time (and honestly, would I want it any other time?), I could have a situation where the coffee didn’t go well with my actual breakfast.

Imagine, coffee not going well with waffles and bacon. I’m pretty sure it could actually cause the Apocalypse to descend upon us. Which frightens and yet intrigues me.


Well, maybe I’ll just get a little Baby Boca sample bag of it…purely for the sake of research. But I hope you will forgive me if I draw odd circles on my floor and maybe light some candles or incense whatever it is you do to prevent $DEMON from stealing your soul under such circumstances.

OK. Glad we had this little chat. Looking forward to our next delivery, I remain your devoted fan (except not of the peanut butter and bananas coffee because that is wrong),



ellipsisknits said...

Don't buy in. It's an evil scheme.

I'm a tea person, not a coffee person, but one of the fairly common 'fancy' varieties of tea is 'smoked tea' or 'lapsang souchong'. Many people claim to like this.

I don't.

It tastes like bacon in a cup.

This is not a good thing.


Anonymous said...

Syrup and bacon flavored coffee? It really is the End Times. I can handle hazelnut, raspberry mocha, caramel, even toasted coconut - but bacon? Eeewwwwww.

Incidentally, I have tried lapsang souchong tea. It does not taste like bacon in a cup...that would be good. It tastes like moldy gym socks smell, in liquid form. Give me my Darjeeling any day.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what I'm more appalled by, people who don't like the taste of actual maple syrup or people who want their coffee to taste like coffee, bacon and maple syrup.

Granted, coffee & maple syrup sound fine to me. But bacon? I love bacon! But not in my coffee. In a peanut butter and banana sandwich, sure.

Amy Lane said...

Ye gods! I hate coffee but I'm rolling on the floor laughing, so there must be something good about it!!!

MadMad said...

Ewwwww.....! (But let me know what it tastes like...)

becky c. said...

I don't like coffee unless you add enough milk and sugar to disguise any hint of coffee flavor. I don't think there's enough milk and sugar in the world to cover up bacon. Bleeeagh!

Helen said...

I so didn't need to know about these folks...
but that Tropical Two Step is sounding pretty good. (and fitting, since we're about to start taking a two-step class).
The maple bacon thing, however, is just wrong. And the banana/peanut butter combo? while marvelous in a sandwich is similarly wrong in my coffee cup.
Either way,I will resist the siren song of yummy coffee delivered to my door (unless, of course, it comes already made, steaming hot, with frothy steamed milk on top, served by a handsome cabana boy....

Anonymous said...

Eeeek, that is indeed an evil and wrong confluence of flavors. And who are these freaks who don't like actual maple syrup? I don't get it; I just don't get it.

All this talk about maple syrup, however, is making me want some midnight pancakes....

Jen said...

Bleeeaaarrrrrgh! What kind of sick mind came up with that combination? *shudders*

Science PhD Mom said...

That is just WRONG...wrong, wrong, wrong! However, I do find people who don't like real maple syrup to be more frightening. They are McPod People...stay far, far away from their corrupting influence!

Me, I prefer Grade B maple syrup...even heavier flavors...mmmm...(off to eat some waffles now...)

Liz G. said...

I have to know how fast this Boca place's shipping is - 'cause I need a pack of this stuff to put in a door prize for our knitters' retreat - but it's this weekend. Why oh why did I let my bloglines pile up all weekend???? And hey - if you get goodies for me buying something from these goobers - send me your Member ID so I can give you the glory. happytexan AT gmail - Liz G.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that just sounds revolting. The maple might be OK, but who in heck wants BACON in their coffee? Or peanut butter, for that matter. Eeuw.

Anonymous said...

I tried this coffee, and I have to tell you in was pretty awesome! I am not a flavored coffee drinker, but it sounded too interesting to pass up. The maple note is clear with a hint of a smokey note (the bacon). I know it is strange, but I loved it.