What it's really like to live with Bipolar Disorder

By Natalie Cornish|

Mariah Carey has recently revealed she has Bipolar Disorder
One in 50 Australians has Bipolar Disorder

Ryan Phillips* remembers his first depressive episode very clearly.

He was 15 and living in the UK when he realised something wasn't quite right.

Like his friends, he was struggling with the pressures of exam revision. But, unlike those around him, he couldn't shake an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair.

"I remember my dad comforting me, saying everything would be okay," he tells 9Honey. "It was the first real time I felt properly depressed."

That period did pass, but a few years later at university he found himself in a downward spiral again.

Nights out drinking would often result in feelings of extreme sadness, which he couldn't shake the next morning.

"I started having depressive episodes," he says. "But I didn't think it was serious enough to get help."

He didn't see a doctor, preferring to try and deal with his moods on his own.

All that changed when Ryan started working.

His moods became more difficult to control, and he realised he needed more support.

"I saw a doctor and was diagnosed with depression," he says. "They prescribed anti-depressants and counselling."

The medication helped for a while, and he was able to learn effective coping techniques through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

Soon after, he moved to Sydney. But, it would take another six years of struggling on and off with depression for a psychiatrist to correctly diagnose Ryan's illness as Bipolar Disorder II. The same condition Mariah Carey has recently revealed she suffers from.


The turning point came, he says, when he started dating a girl whose father had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

"I'd never really heard about Bipolar before," he admits.

"Her father's mood swings left a lasting impact on her, and I started to recognise patterns in his behaviour especially when she described him getting very angry when things didn't go his way."

Within weeks, Ryan was sat in a psychiatrist's waiting room clutching his mental health plan.

"I remember at the time it was a very grey day which matched my mood," he says.

"I remember coming out of there and feeling quite strange.

"It was kind of like a sense of calm.

"It was a big relief that there was recognition of what I was going through and I could get help."


Ryan has since learned Bipolar Disorder can take years to diagnose because sufferers often only present with depressive symptoms rather than the other side of the illness - mania.

"People don't go to see their doctor when they're high and happy," he explains.

There's also four types of the illness with slightly different symptoms — Bipolar Disorder I (severe mood episodes of mania and depression), Bipolar Disorder II (milder episodes of mania with periods of severe depression), Cyclothymic Disorder (brief periods of both mania and depression), and mixed features (simultaneous symptoms of both).

"I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II so I don't get the highs as much as the lows," Ryan says.

"I do have those highs from time to time and notice my mood flit between the two, and I have to be a bit careful, but it's not as severe as Bipolar Disorder I where people can go on huge spending sprees or disappear for periods of time.

"Often the next day something will happen and I'll flit back to being in quite a low place."


For Ryan, learning to accept his diagnosis wasn't easy.

"I told my psychiatrist I wasn't sure I actually had Bipolar," he reveals.

"She reminded me of a time when I made a really obscene comment and nearly got punched.

"'That's stereotypical of people with Bipolar', she said. 'They often say things they shouldn't'."

Now, he says, acceptance, "increasing self-awareness" and openness has helped him to feel more in control of his illness.

"It's worth noting that these sort of things are always going to be there," he says.

"Despite trying your hardest, and even if you go through periods where there's no symptoms, it's probably going to come back at some point.

"Working out ways to manage that is so important."

Ryan exercises daily, meditates and tries to limit how much he drinks because alcohol has a big impact on his mood.

"One of the biggest things for me recently has been recognising that horrible depressive mood when I don't feel worthy of anything is probably only going to last a short period of time," he says. 

"You will come through it."

When he's feeling really low he'll often plan a trip somewhere new, get outdoors or read a newspaper to change his mindset.

But the most important thing is to realise it's okay to not be okay.

"Everyone struggles at some point with something," he says.

"There's absolutely no shame in the way you are."

*Name has been changed. 

Readers seeking support and information about mental health and suicide prevention can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.

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