To get what you want, give people what they want!

Many people upon learning the law of attraction, get excited and start putting additional effort in giving to others, in the hope that in giving to others, they will get back what they want from them. Some of these people get disappointed that in spite of giving their 100%…, they are not getting from the universe what they want, and wonder why. Some quickly jump into the conclusion that law of attraction does not work. The fact is that spiritual laws always work, however it is important that knowledge is applied correctly. Knowledge put to action in the wrong way, or in the wrong context does not work.

In order to get what we want from others, it is important that we give others what they want, not what we think they need, and not what we want to give. A farmer owns a dog and a cow. If he feeds grass to the dog and dog-food to the cow, both animals will be unhappy and hungry, despite the effort put forth by the farmer.  Although this may sound funny, simple, and obvious, this is exactly what we tend to do, as in various complex situations, we may not really know what they other person wants, and thus make wrong assumptions about it and put forth unwanted effort in the wrong place.

Practical examples of not giving people what they want:

Example 1)
There are two sets of emotional needs in romantic relationships:
Set 1:
Caring, Understanding, Respect, Devotion, Validation and Reassurance.

Set 2:
Trust, Acceptance, Appreciation, Admiration, Approval and Encouragement.

All of the above emotional needs are forms of love. Yet, just calling all of them love is oversimplification of our emotional needs. Although every one has the need for all these forms of love, research has shown that most women primarily need to receive the kinds of love listed under “Set 1” from their partners, before they can appreciate the kind of love under “Set 2”. In contrast to that, most men primarily need to receive the love under “Set 2” before they can appreciate the kind of love listed under “Set 1”. Unknowingly however, both men and women tend to give to their partners what they would personally need, instead of giving what their partners need. This is why many people think they are giving a lot to the relationship. Yet, both partners remain unfulfilled, as they are not giving what their partners want.

Example 2)
Say you are an employer and want to hire the brightest candidate for the job. You interview 30 candidates and then select the one candidate who met your criteria the best. Excited upon finding such a brilliant candidate, you offer him salary and benefits that are higher than you originally budgeted for. Yet, what the candidate really wants is not to work in the corporate world long term, but instead start his own business  soon. In spite of you giving your 100% as an employer, you cannot fulfill the candidates needs. No matter what you do from your end, since the other person is motivated by contrary desires, what you give is not of value to him. You would have been better of to offer the job to another candidate, who although may not be academically perfect as the first candidate, actually wants a long term career in the corporate world and not start his own business soon.

Example 3)
You are hired as a software tester. Instead of working as a tester, you put rigorous effort as a software programmer, as you are not really interested in testing. Indeed, you may be working very hard, but not towards the reason you were hired, and thus your employer is not likely to be satisfied.

Example 4)
You prepare a beautiful three course non-vegetarian meal, putting lot of effort. It is the most wonderful tasting meal. Only problem – the guests that came to dinner are all vegetarians. Despite all your effort,  the guests could not appreciate the value of the work you put into making the delicious meal.

Thus, in order to get what you want, it is very important to know what the other person needs, and give that. A person gets fulfilled only upon getting what he wants, and not upon receiving something else. Only in fulfilling other’s needs is it likely that they will work towards fulfilling our needs. It is important to realize that in some cases, the other person may not really want anything that we have to offer, or we may not want to give what they need. In this case, it is better to find other people who will be very fulfilled by what we have to offer, so that they in turn can fulfill us.