Friday, April 5, 2019

Joy Bubble

I feel like I've been living inside a "joy bubble" lately.

Spring is here and it seems like the winter weather that slammed the Midwest this year is FINALLY gone.  My son has a new speech therapist/education plan, and things seem to be going well.  My sister just got married a week ago, and it was such a happy occasion that brought together members of my extended family.  (Plus, the anthology that is going to feature my essay is getting closer to publication - which is beyond exciting!)

During my sister's wedding reception, we received word that a family friend had passed away earlier that afternoon.  She was only 48.  I won't claim to have known her well, but I feel like I've known her dad and stepmom my entire life.  Her death was very unexpected, and it poked a big hole in my "joy bubble."

I also recently found out that a good friend's grandpa has been hospitalized, and that another friend's mom was diagnosed with cancer.  Then, through Facebook, I learned (in the same 24 hour period) that a different friend's stepmom died suddenly and that a woman I went to high school with passed away after her own battle with cancer.

It feels like the top of my "joy bubble" has been blown off entirely.

Since I was a little girl, I've been a worrier.  To combat that, I've always tried to rationalize why I don't need to be anxious about certain things:

- Watching "Friday the 13th" for the first time?  Calm down, Nicole... Camp Crystal Lake isn't real.  And you NEVER have to go to sleep-away camp if you don't want to. 

-  Hurricane Andrew/Katrina looks super scary on TV?  Relax, Nicole... we don't live anywhere NEAR an ocean.

The older I get, the harder it is for me to rationalize away the holes in my "joy bubble."

No matter how much kale the internet tells me I should be eating, I'm not convinced there is actually a way to guarantee you'll make it through life "cancer free."  No matter how much I want to pretend otherwise, the fact that I have two little kids who NEED a mom isn't going to prevent me from getting into a bad car accident.

The fact that our family friends were SUPPOSED to be with us last weekend celebrating didn't stop them from instead facing the Earth-shattering emotions that must have accompanied the news of the death of their child.

So where does that leave my bubble?  Do I "patch it" up by attempting to ignore all these negative things? Do I bust out my "childhood rationalization plan" and lie to myself to alleviate my anxiety?  As I'm writing now, the lyrics from Leonard Cohen's "Anthem" pop into my head.

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in..."

Maybe our "joy bubbles" are supposed to have cracks. Maybe that's how the light gets in and shines on the parts of your life that make you happy.  Without that light sparkling off those people you love and drawing your eyes back to them in times of sadness... maybe we run the risk of losing our joy entirely.

So I'll keep sitting here in my bubble with the top blown off.  I'll just relax and let life patch it and re-crack it... just like it's doing with everyone else.  But I am going to try to spend more time focusing my attention on where the light is shining.

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