I had prenatal/antenatal anxiety and a full mental breakdown when pregnant with my second child. And I felt so guilty talking about it.

My first pregnancy was beautiful. I had next to no morning sickness, I felt strong and empowered and beautiful in my body. It was an amazing time. I had absolutely nothing to complain about. And I honestly loved every minute.

In my second pregnancy, although physically I felt almost the same, mentally I was not OK. 

Not long into my second pregnancy, I started having panic attacks. At home. In the supermarket. The parking lot. While driving. Almost anywhere and for 'no reason'.


Image: iStock

It can feel like you're the only person going through it. Source: iStock

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It was horrible and I felt alone

Why was I feeling this way? I didn't have terrible morning sickness or any pregnancy complications. My baby was looking so healthy and everything was perfect.

 I should just be grateful - this is what I kept telling myself. 

It took a full mental breakdown before I spoke to anyone about it.

I remember completely shutting down while my two-year-old daughter was trying to talk to me and asking me to pick her up. I couldn't respond. 

She kept saying, "Come on mummy, look at this". I couldn't respond, I was frozen and couldn't move for a long time. At that moment I felt like the worst mum.

For a few days, I didn't want to eat or move or talk to anyone. I just wanted to sleep and it was terrifying.

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'His fetish ruined our marriage.' Image: iStock.

It just makes you want to hide away. Source: iStock

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What was wrong with me?

 I felt so guilty. Guilty for not being a good mum to my toddler, worried that my anxiety would be affecting my baby, and I felt like I was letting my husband down.

I wasn't functioning the 'way I should be'. 

Now that I have had my baby and my anxiety has toned down, I've realised that prenatal anxiety is real, can be terrifying, and it's something that we need to talk about more. 

I now realise that it was OK to be feeling the way I was feeling, and I should have spoken up about it sooner. 

Thank goodness I have an incredible husband and had hired an amazing doula, who both started to see what was happening and helped me get the help I needed. 

My husband encouraged me to talk and my beautiful doula referred me to a professional pre and postnatal psychologist to help get to the bottom of what was causing my anxiety. 

Although, I didn't get the help until the last week of my pregnancy. I wish I'd done it sooner.

I now can't help but wonder, how many other mums are out there suffering in silence? How many other mums are just putting their anxiety down to a 'hormonal thing' or ignoring it because they 'should just be grateful during this time'. 

We need to remind ourselves that no matter our situation, no matter how 'good' or 'bad' we have it, it is OK to feel the way we are. 

Your. Feelings. Are. Valid!

I wish I spoke up about my anxiety sooner in my pregnancy - that I knew it was OK to feel the way I was feeling. Because it really took a toll on me and the way I was able to be a wife and a mother to my toddler. I feel like I wasn't able to 'enjoy' my pregnancy. 

And when my son arrived four weeks early, I didn't feel mentally ready. 

My message to all pregnant mums, whether it's your first or your fifth, is surrender to how you are feeling and seek help as soon as possible. 

There are so many help lines to call when you need them. I called PANDA multiple times.

I will be making sure I take all the steps to look after my mental health in this postpartum journey. 

If you feel really crap, that's OK. Even if you have a pregnancy that 'looks great on paper' - it can still be bloody hard. 

You are doing amazing just by doing the best you can.

You are not alone, make sure you tell your loved ones how you are feeling. That is the MOST important thing you can do.