My Wikipedia userboxen. I love Sailor Moon, yuri, and I've been on that hellhole for 15 goddamned years.
I fucking goddamned hate Wikipedia.

This is, by no means, due to any particular incident that made me hate the website. Wikipedia is fine. It's just, while there are lots of good people on it, there are power-hungry dipshits who have memorized every rule by heart and cite them daily, in order to get their own way. It's fucking exhausting dealing with these cunts.

The Problem

Lots of people want to be told that their work is good, and meritorious (worthy of praise). I am not one to tell people that their work is meritless. Get ready for some fuckin' textual whiplash, because what I'm about to say is a fucking doozy.

Wikipedia is the product of human goodness, married to obsession— ruined and tainted by vainglory, pedantry, and, above else, is filled with people who care more about what they can get out of the system, than what they can get by interacting with other people harmoniously. It is a place for people who want power, gained through academic and scholastic learning. That's why so many highly-educated men in high academic places, and highly-skilled jobs, flock to Wikipedia: it's the same sort of atmosphere that they've optimized their very souls, in order to fit into. This is their hole. It was almost made for they.

But that's the thing. Because Wikipedia is a system like this, it also pushes away anyone who is not like this.

People often ask: Why do women not edit Wikipedia? Besides, of course, the obvious reason: that women do not usually engage in stupid hierarchal bullshit, because they're smart like that.

It's because there are a shitload of idiot, asshole men, with a bunch of fucking power, who gatekeep them straight out the damn door, any time a woman tries to contribute anything. It's not all of them; but, it never is. It's always just enough for them to control the atmosphere. And, that's Wikipedia. It's a place where 90% of the editors are men, and the most-common person you'd see editing it, is some guy who studied a shitload, and got into a highly-specific job or position, due to his highly-specific area of study. It's a place for highly-specialized academics, who, quite naturally, due to their very narrow field of expertise, don't really fit into many areas, socially. Because of that— because human beings can't play nice with one another, and they always seem to feel a need to gatekeep, and 'stake out their territory'— it isn't a place where laypeople are exactly gonna feel 'welcomed'.

Nor, do I think, it should be. Normal people, I would recommend, should stay the fuck away from editing Wikipedia. Because it's a waste of your time.

Wikipedia is not a place to make a virtual life on. Wikipedia is a place that takes, but never gives.

Wikipedia is a project that needs people to contribute to it, for free, for the system to even work. There's more to it— more that I'll never understand, nor that I'd ever want to understand— but, that's it. The people who run Wikipedia have nothing to do with how bad Wikipedia is. Just like with Twitter, Wikipedia is bad because many of the people who use it, use it selfishly, in an attempt to solely increase their own social capital. It's a place that only grows more and more cloistered as the project goes on. In a way, I feel fuckin' sorry for the Wikimedia Foundation. They had a fine idea. It's just . . . human beings are not Vulcans.

Vulcans would've made Wikipedia great.

The Good

More than anything, I'm just a teensy bit afraid of ever defaming anyone. I'm an angry person, and I have a lot to say. So, I like to keep it 100 (heh) by only speaking well of people, publicly. This shall be one such incident.

I don't think that a lot of people tend to use Wikipedia for good. Most use its rules to get their own way, and gatekeep what they think is theirs. But some are genuinely good.

One such person is Ser Amantio Di Nicolao, who, in every single interaction I've ever seen, has been just the best person in the whole goddamned universe. They are truly a credit to... well, everything, really. And not because of their contributions: because of their demeanor. They are, without a doubt, the model Wikipedian. If everyone on the site was like they are, then Wikipedia would have no problems at all.

Many of the other top contributors are also genuinely beautiful people, and I've seen administrators who are doing their best. I appreciate that, as maintaining Wikipedia is a thankless task, a meaningless endeavor: a labor from which there is never any reprieve. I spent 30 days reverting vandalism. It feels like I got shot in a vital organ.

The problem with Wikipedia is not these people.

The problem with Wikipedia is those who use its rules to bully others.

The Bad

There are shitloads of people who are very, very fucking racist against people from India. This, paired with the fact that a lot of these people are also sexist cunts, doesn't really help me love this place.

Wikipedia is, by and large, a product of its users. 90% of the editors on the English version of Wikipedia, are males. There is a malaise of horniness that makes Wikipedia feel much like a BBS, or Usenet. It's not very pleasant.

The end result is, the wiki is filled with pages about obscure software and pornography... and, those pages, they stay up. But articles about famous Indian actresses, and even the woman who took the first picture of a black hole, here? Those things get proposed for deletion.

The problem with Wikipedia is that 'Notability' has nothing to do with the policy. Notability is simply a measure of whether or not the Wikipedian with the most power, wants the article to be on the wiki.

I should note, also, that this is not a hill I'm willing to die on. Wikipedia is not a natural construct: it's not something that God made. It's not a thing produced by Mother Nature. It's a website. I don't really care about it. I only care about it as far as getting these thoughts about it, out of my head, and onto some paper.

The reason that Wikipedia is filled with things that cishet men love is because it is, of course, the product of its creators: its editors' minds. And they love ladies. Which is okay: I love ladies, toot.

But I also love uplifting ladies by honoring them. I also love to ensure that they get a proper seat at the 'table,' whatever that concept may be. I strive for fairness and parity in probably everything, and, ever since, as a kid, I saw a lady get slapped by her husband so hard that she fell to the floor, let's just say that put me in a mood. I like pretty ladies, and I will protect them, no matter what.

That having been said, when only a small fraction of all the biographies on Wikipedia are of women, that is not the place I want ladies to have. No: I require something more. While direct parity (50% men; 50% women) may very well be impossible, due to men in the past oppressing women— not to mention how they often wrote women out of history— I'm going to strive for it. Because it pleases me.

Before I go on, I want to say: to the racists trying to keep Indian people out of the wiki? You need to be told: it's not your place to gatekeep. There are over 100 million people in India, probably more by now, who speak English. They have as much of a claim to the English wiki, as you do. Same goes for a claim to the language. So get fucking used to it, cunts. There will come a day when there are more English speakers outside of the 'West', than within it.

That having been said, the other problem with the wiki is those cunts who memorize every single rule, and then act like little lawyers, citing every single one of them, in order to get what they want. There's a term for this in U.S. courts: it's called vexatious litigation. It also vagrantly goes against the spirit of the rules. But, I won't hold you to that: it's not my circus, and you're not my monkeys.

This sort of vexatious rule-citing and 'wikilawyering' (an actual term) just serves to create a toxic environment. I am, of course, not saying that there should not be rules. But I am also saying that no person who values their time is going to put up with this bullshit: they're only going to leave, and never come back to help you with your planet-wide endeavor of making the world's biggest and bestest free encyclopedia.

Whether or not that means anything to you, I don't give a shit.

The Allure of Wasting Your Life

Many people— probably millions, if I'm that unlucky to influence that many— seem to think that I am an innocent little cherubim, here solely to help. Nope. Few things cheer my heart more than tricking other people who really deserve it. Whether it's getting a Neo-Nazi to say something good about a Jew, or maybe just making a bully humiliate themselves publicly through their own actions, trying to hurt someone else, I just love to make a fool of people. But, they have to deserve it.

I've been on and off of the wiki since the first anonymous users were allowed to edit it. I have probably lost entire accounts. I don't really remember: I go through periods of suicidal depression, and then wake up on the other side, not really cognizant of what exactly I was doing the entire time. But I know that I used it, way back when.

I would always stop using Wikipedia when terrible people would show up and insist on being pedants— 'wikilawyers'. I didn't have any time for that then, and I have even less time for it, now.

To put it simply, I'm not fucking internalizing 800 pages of rules and ettiquette, in order to give my work away for free. It's simply not happening.

I have no problem respecting people and their work, and especially their time. But, if you expect me to make Wikipedia a part of myself, t'aint happenin'.

As for you: I would implore you to reconsider editing Wikipedia. If it's fun— if it pleases you— then, that's great. But, the first inkling of stress this place brings you, run. And, as Richard Pryor once said— if you can't run, fly!

"Just get the fuck... away."

Because, people on Wikipedia are like Janitors on 4chan. They do it for free. They are concierges sans salaire.

It's similar to people who post on Quora. They're idiots who want some form of recognition, and prestige. On Wikipedia, you might get to be Admin. On Quora, you might be Verified. Both are equally useless, but most things are on this planet. The only things I've ever found that had any meaning was interacting with other people, especially loved ones. Online, you don't get much of the intended benefit.

But, to put it bluntly, getting recognition, power, and prestige? That's the name of the game. That is the game. That's the only reason that these sites still have users, doing the heavy lifting: you've got the rare people who do it for the love of the game, that is to say, because they genuinely enjoy the work... and, you have the majority, who do it because, well. They want power. Power, to wield over others. And the allure of that, the chance that they could get some power, is enough to make them contribute sans salaire.

Also also, some just want recognition. They want to be marked as special.

Why do you think anyone wants to get Verified?

Sneetchmarks, all.

Why I Use(d) it

So why did I use it?

Didn't I just tell you I like tricking people?

In point of fact, nearly my entire use of the Internet has been attempting to understand human beings. I enjoy figuring out puzzles, and human beings are probably the greatest puzzles of them all. They're so fucked up.

In particular, I've always had to figure out ways to keep other human beings from hurting me. As such, I've gotten good at deception, manipulation, misdirection... the list goes on. Just list some fuckin' Rogue skills from World of Warcraft. I prolly got ten'a dem.

That being said, I originally used Wikipedia (this latest time around) because I had a secret plan to make a page on myself. Not exactly for self-aggrandizement purposes: but, because I wanted to figure out how to generate a Google Knowledge Panel, for myself. On myself.

Wikipedia has been beset on all sides by Google trying to steal its thunder for, I don't know, 5 years or more. Google scrapes Wikipedia, and Wikidata, in order to make their Google Knowledge Panels (those stupid little boxes on the right-hand side of the search results, that are usually fucking inaccurate). That's how you get one of those: you get a Wikipedia page, and you get a Wikidata page, and you link them bad boys together, and Google scrapes them like the dumb little bitch that it is and produces something everyone who searches for the term, sees. And I wanted one of them... puppies.

I didn't even need it to last too long. I just had to create a page, create a Wikidata item for it, link the Wikidata page to the Wikipedia page, and the Wikidata page to the Wikipedia page. Sh-bams! That's all it takes. You'll get a Google Knowledge Panel, where you can submit your information for— or, God willing, you can just log into one of your social media accounts— and, you're Verified on Google. Neat, huh?

I had to stop myself.

Why I (Regrettably) Stopped Myself

I have no respect for authority. Authority figures have always treated me poorly: because the authority figures were white supremacists, who always looked down on me, as being 'just a nigger'. I learned, quite quickly, that my behavior did not determine the treatment I would receive. And, if I wanted something, I would have to take it.

Legally, of course. Meaning, I could let no human being stand in my way: I had to get what was mine. What I deserved. And, if I wanted it— and it didn't hurt anybody— I'd just take it.

And then somebody posted a picture of cookies on my Talk page, on Wikipedia.


And they welcomed me.

See, I can trick people. I can trick people... so long as they're trying to hurt me. But, I can't trick an innocent person. (´•ω•｀)

What I Was Going to Do

My plan was fool-proof. After examining the pages for GeoWizard, and Asspizza, and— regrettably deleted— no wait, it's back— Max Fosh (incl. its Wikidata information) — I realized, quite quickly, that it was easy as fuck to just put up any old thing on Wikipedia, and get a Google Knowledge Panel.

Like I said: Doesn't take much! Doesn't have to be up that long, either. A day or two; most people can get that, so long as they have proper references, and write a page that doesn't look like it's completely full of shit. The Wikipedians will dutifully try to blam your page— but, will leave it up, for those precious, precious 7 days. And that's enough for you to get your own Google Knowledge Panel.

How to Get a Google Knowledge Panel

If you're wondering how you get a Google Knowledge Panel, here it is:

  1. Make a Wikipedia page.
  2. Make a Wikidata page for the Wikipedia page.
  3. Link the Wikidata page to the Wikipedia page.
  4. Link the Wikipedia page to the Wikidata page.
And, shh-bams! It's done.

Most people are dumb as shit and they just make a new article in mainspace. That's rookie shit. First, get an autoconfirmed account. Start your page as a Draft. Then, instead of submitting your Article for 'Review', just move that shit into the Mainspace. Hysterically, everything I'm telling you is above-level.

For whatever reason, the first time I did this, the new page didn't even show up in NewPagesFeed. I don't know why. I tried to replicate this 'bug', but I couldn't. I'm not sure why this is. I thought it had to do with making exactly 10 edits to the page before moving it, but, nope. Don't think so.

Also, everything I just told you is significantly less-sneaky than what happened here. In my own opinion.

The truth is, if you get to be an Admin on Wikipedia, you can just put anything you want on it. This has been a problem. A big one.

Why I Didn't Do It

Because I don't want you to write about me.

Usually, when I speak like this, 'you' means 'one'. I don't want [someone] to write about me. I don't want [anyone] to write about me. And while those are both true, this does include you.

If you've been paying attention to my 'adventure' for the past 7 years, I've gotten dragged through the shit more times than I can count. Journalists have defamed me, or come as close to defamation as they could, plenty of times. The night before I was going to get ready to make my page, my wife talked me out of it.

Because— you don't want a Wikipedia page on yourself. Or even a Google Knowledge Panel. Because human beings are untrustworthy douchenozzles who make shit up about you. If I had a Wikipedia page way back when they were defaming me, that shit would be up there. Right now. And that would piss me off. Big time!

So I don't want one. Wikipedia, and a bunch of other humans who write, all seem to think that they should be trusted with the final definition of who a person is. You don't know me! Nobody knows me! I don't even know myself! And, seeing as how one piece of shit once wrote an article implying that I was a serial killer, yeah! I don't want you to write about me!

There are three scholarly articles written about my penis.

I don't want any Human to ever write about me again.

You guys are weird.

Nobody Curates This Shit

There's a saying, but I don't remember it. Something about how you can't trust dim motherfuckers on the Intarwebz to do anything right.

'Trust an idiot with a bucket and he'll shit in it'? Is that the one?

Every single receptacle of information online is full of idiots' shit. Even overlooking the fact that humans are cruel and have had a lifelong tendency to make shit up about me, sometimes to frame me for their fucking crimes when I was a kid, there are countless horror stories of shit that's gone wrong with these processes.

Sometimes, professionals online get a Google Knowledge Panel, and, what do you know? They've been erroneously listed as DEAD. And there's no way to get that off there. Months and months and months go by, and everybody who Googles you, thinks you're fucking dead. Not me, man. I'm not into that goofy shit anymore.

Besides that, we also have the fact that, you know, I've been defamed more than twice. There's a reason why some celebrities are quite litigious: dumb motherfucking 'journalists' make shit up, or fuck up a news story, and, suddenly, you have to protect your reputation! I don't want that! Leave me the fuck alone!

Human beings quite famously move glacially when they have to fix a problem that isn't theirs. A Wikipedia page, a Google Knowledge Panel? Both these things are simply liabilities.


Should a page be made on me, on Wikipedia, I will go there myself, and protest its very creation, and existence. Fuck off. Fuck right the fuck off.

I don't want to be written about.

No human being has gotten it right, and they never will.

In Conclusion, Ladies and Jellyspoons

Wikipedia is a lost cause. I say this emphatically. Nothing can be written about forever. There is an end to all things, made by Man's hand. And Wikipedia is just about fuckin' done.

There will always be something new to write about. But, eventually, you start to get 'done'. You finish your task. Everything that deserved to be written about, on Wikipedia, is already there. I 'penned' a couple of articles on domain names. What's the fucking point of that? There's nothing there to speak of.

In preparation for the page I was going to make on myself, I spent a month building a strong account that wouldn't be questioned. I spent 30 days fighting vandalism. And, I have to tell you: Wikipedia is in such a state that I truly have no hope for it. Why?

Because there's nothing left to do. Cluebot reverts most vandalism faster than a human can— and, occasionally, even beats me. Vandalism is pretty much taken care of. So that's done.

Besides that, there's nothing left to write about. On one hand, everything's already been written about. But, on the other hand, as it's impossible to make an encyclopedia on everything, you're dealing with what is, as Lewis Black once said, "a beast— that cannot be fed."

Wikipedia is what it is. And what it is, is, an utterly hopeless, incompletable task. Even if you somehow figure out vandalism, to the point where even I can't beat the robot reverting shit— which is something I suspect they'll get an even better lock down on, eventually— you're just sitting there, minding the same baby, forever. You're pretending you're in Wikicourt half the day. Wasting your life. Staring at your screen. Not even having any fun!

With social media as a game, there's an end goal: get verified. For Wikipedia, there's never any end-goal.

Don't forget: you're here forever!

Honestly, you'd be better off counting grains of sand. Sans Undertale.

Okay though for real the article is gonna end now

I must admit to you: it is quite tempting to still go along with my former plan. Because, as it stands, there's no way in Hell they'd even know it was me. No way in Hell. Wikipedia is so fucking broken that anyone could just make an article about themselves, get a Google Knowledge Panel, and get Verified on Google. And that's the thing— it's that way, because Google wants it to be that way!

The current situation with people on Wikipedia trying to make pages about themselves, could easily be halted by simply not fucking letting Google scrap Wikipedia and Wikidata in order to generate Google Knowledge Panels. It's literally that simple. If you're anyone with any real power on Wikipedia, simply stop them from doing that shit. If people can't game the system and get Google Knowledge Panels, I promise you this: most of the self-aggrandizement you see with these BLPs, it's gonna go away. They only want it so they can get Verified.

As for me? I'll just be here, struggling to resist opening a secret Wikipedia account, where I make a page about myself.

It's just so easy.

FUCK temptation is HARD

April 11th, 2021