Dr. Seuss - The Ultimate Fighting Champion | Mental Poo

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Dr. Seuss - The Ultimate Fighting Champion

So, my wife was beaten up by a first grader.

Yeah. You read that right.

If you’ve read my previous post, my wife works in an inner-city school where the majority of the kids neither speak nor understand English.

This can be directly attributed to the Spanish teacher in my wife’s First Grade classroom who has done, amongst other things:

1) Taught the children that the word “THIS”, is sounded out as:


2) The correct grammar usage here is that there are not “Three Fish” – but that there are “Three Fishes”

3) When the school nurse arrived to take out three of the heavier kids for a weigh in, she looked at the nurse and said:

“Oh…so you’re taking the three tubbies?”

*shaking head*

From the way my wife describes her, I think the woman may actually be Charo.

Anyway, so that particular teacher is – thankfully – no longer in the room, and my wife was given the floor as the teacher.

So, my wife called me yesterday…the conversation went like this:

Wife: “Hey…well…THAT was a first.”
Me: “What was a first?”
Wife: “I was just beaten up by a first grader.”


From time to time she’s told me about things like this going on in the schools…but it’s never happened to her.

This is how the smackdown went:

Apparently, said first grader (a boy) flipped off another girl in the class.

Yes, he gave her the finger.

I’m not sure where 6-year-old kids learn to give other kids the finger (although, I’ve accidentally taught my son a few choice words), but he did nonetheless.

My wife then decided to take said boy to the principal’s office.

On the way to the office, the boy decided to drop himself on the floor and throw a fit. Mind you, he’s in first grade, so this isn’t surprising (I sometimes do this same thing when my wife asks me to mow the lawn). He proceeded to then yell and scream in protest while flopped down on the floor in the middle of the hallway.

My wife reached down to pick him up…

…at which point the beating began.

Apparently, the little boy was equipped with a book.

Armed with the book, he began flailing and smashing it into my wife’s arms and legs.

Me: “Holy sh*t.”
Wife: “Yeah. Lots of fun. I’m all red up and down my arms.”
Me: “Holy sh*t."

*pause as I think*

Me: "Did you at least kick the kid’s ass?”


Can’t you just start kicking ass at this point?

Grab the kid’s hair? Smash him in the face? Throw him through a window? Hire another kid to snuff him out?


Then, out of sheer curiousity I ask...

Me: “Jesus. Where the Hell did he get the book from?”

*there's a pause on the end of the line*

Wife: “I gave it to him.”

THAT’S what’s really pissing her off. Not the fact that the kid went postal on her, but that he did it using a book that SHE gave to him.

“Here, little boy, here’s – oh – a pistol and a homemade shiv made from a spork. NOW let’s go to go to the principal’s office for your discipline!”


Anyway…not sure what’s going to happen to the boy. I've since heard that he's in a lot of trouble at home.

(FYI - "A lot of trouble at home" for inner-city kids this means: Quick...CALL DSS...This kid is getting the sh*t kicked out of him. He's either getting that punishment, or he's now specifically forbidden to do any drug runs for the family until further notice)

As far as my wife...

...I think she’s only allowing him to read from postcards now.


Sara Sue said...

DUDE!! You're married to Angelina?? That means you must be ... Brad Pitt??

Tell your lovely wife she has my utmost admiration for teaching. It is the most noble of professions ... but I couldn't put up with the kids OR the parents.

FreeOscar said...

Your wife is hot in that picture!

Moooooog35 said...

If you see my "earing" post:


You'll see we do, actually, resemble that famous couple.

..it can be very annoying at the mall.

Anonymous said...

Omg that sounds so funny but it's not really! One time on my way to work, an 8 year old said he was going to rape me and jumped on my back and just clung on (maybe he thought that's what rape was, I have no idea), I thought my friends were going to wet themselves laughing...

Another time, my schoolbag was robbed by a gang of five year olds, I kid you not, I think that particular set of friends actually did wet themselves laughing. I went to school in a rough area if I had've done anything, their parents would have probably staggered over to me and stabbed me with a syringe or something. One girl got puked on one day - I would never be able to get over that so I let the 5year old criminals do whatever the hell they liked, the bag got too heavy for them to carry in less than 3minutes anyway.

Anonymous said...

Give's a whole new definition to "Oh The Places You Will Go" now doesn't it? Like, maybe, I don't know, to the alternative school? Prison? There's so many different places this fine upstanding young man will be going, Jess?

And another thing, I thought carrying books was only illegal in Kentucky but now I see that I'm wrong. And the upside in Kentucky is that they can't convict you because nobody can read enough to be able to testify that you actually had a book.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

getting beaten by a book you gave someone is almost as bad as getting beaten with your own shoe.

also, for an old broad, charro still has some nice cha chas.

Forrest Proper said...

Can't you arrange with some second graders for something to "happen" to the little punk?

prin said...

Poor wifey. Too bad she didn't have her little man to protect her from the little man. lol

Chooch said...

I laughed so hard I almost peed! Great Post!!!

[Un]Censored said...

I, for one, could not deal with kids outside of a classroom, so I am thinking that teaching is NOT for me.

If I were to have a parent...well...be a parent with a troubled kid, I have a feeling I would start fire bombing.

LOL@ no drug runs for the family.

Tricia said...

Well, I must say albeit pretty shitty for your wife, that had to be the greatest thing I have read all day! I feel bad for her. But you made the little story so so very entertaining to read! Thanks!

Oswegan said...

The picture of Charro teaching is stuck in my head now, thanks for that.

I think I got beat up by a first grader once, but, I was in kindergarten.

Speaking of kindergarten, my five year old son got off of the school bus the other day and announced that he now knows the "F" word.


Malach the Merciless said...

Maybe the wife is suicidal

Baba Doodlius said...

Actual (anaonymous) 1st grade teacher in unnamed southeastern state, teaching "words that sound alike, but have different meanings":

"There's a 'heel' on your shoe, and you can run up a 'heel' on your way to school".

I swear I am not making that up.

Rahul said...

Boy if I was her I would have taught that little brat a lesson...

By running straight in the principal's office and complaining.

I'm very non-confrontational.

Anonymous said...

Postcards have sharp corners....I suggest maybe a flashcard?

Geeez, your wife is a brave, brave woman!

Anonymous said...

I have heard of putting words in someones mouth but not into their arm.

How are your "beatings" going? If you need any help let me know.I'm willing to share that candy bar with you.

Kitty DeMure said...

She might want to avoid postcards, too. Paper cuts are a bitch!

Anonymous said...

oh my god, your angelina picture is hysterical!

Cindy Breninger said...

I would just allow her napkins and crayons and that is it! No more of those big, mean books. Whodathunk they could be so harmful?

AngryMan said...

I pay little kids to fight each other all the time. Your wife should do that next time a bunch of punk little kids try to make some trouble.

Deadpoolite said...

Your wife must be really hardcore(with a twist of wackiness to boot, hey I am one, I can spot a wacky person from miles away,lol) if she is married to you...

Apparently not as hardcore as a pissed off first grader but second place is not anything to be ashamed off:)

So if the kid is so lethal with one book, what would his dream job be? To become a librarian maybe? Ah the possibilities would be truely endless then:)

DP out (and about)!

Chooch said...

Back in the good ole days....... If we EVER did that to a teacher we would be scrubbing walls with a tootbrush.

Anonymous said...

Another funny post. I will have to say though that hearing someone from New England make fun of someone else's accent (THA + EES = THEEES) is just plain retahded.

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