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How to Discuss Having a Threesome

How To Ask For A Threesome (Without Offending Her)


It's a phantom thought that has occurred to most people in a long-term relationship: What if we had a threesome? That super sexy scene from that movie I watched last week — could I recreate that with my girlfriend? It's the ultimate fantasy, but it's definitely not an easy thing to bring up with the person you're dating! Here are some tips you can use to ensure that the dreaded Threesome Conversation goes smoothly.

1. Don't Bring It Up as a Way to 'Spice Up' the Relationship

"So, things have felt a bit dull lately, and I had this idea…" is almost always a terrible opener. It's true that long-term relationships have boring phases, but pointing this out to your partner will only hurt their feelings! Nobody wants to feel that they're a boring or inadequate partner.

You: "Don't you think our sex life is getting boring of late? What if we tried having a threesome?

Her: "Are you saying I'm not enough for you? Wow, I can't believe you want to have sex with other women."

This is exactly what you want to avoid: a terrible argument because your girlfriend misunderstood your point. Instead of commenting on the current state of your relationship, try floating the idea in abstract. "What do you think of threesomes?" is a good general question for your girlfriend. Sound her out on the topic before suggesting a threesome as a boring-relationship cure.

RELATED: The Best Threesome Sex Positions (Yes, We Have Illustrations)

2. Ask Her What (And Whom) She'd Be Comfortable With

She thinks it's an interesting idea, great. But it's still a joint venture. Don't dictate the terms of the threesome, or independently plan it. Don't think of it as 'getting my girlfriend's permission to fuck somebody else.'

You: You know that girl Maria who works at my gym? I was thinking — you could ask Maria. She might be down for it.

Her: Do you have a crush on Maria? No way. No way am I OK with that.

Listen, this is probably a big deal for your girlfriend. Bringing another person into the intimacy of your bedroom is a big deal, so ask her what kind of threesome she would like to have. (Spoiler alert: It may not look like the PornHub video that you're expecting.)

You: If it did ever happen someday, how would you picture it? What would you like to happen?

Is there something that she's fantasized about in this context? She might want to have a threesome with another woman, or maybe a man. Maybe she would be comfortable with a lesbian in the mix, while you watched. There's a wide range of threesomes that one can have, and you should be prepared to discuss whatever she wants! The golden rule is that both of you should be having fun at all times. Frame it as the two of you having sex with a stranger, not you having sex with two women.

3. Don't Discuss It as a Concrete Event

You: How about I make a Tinder bio for us and say we're looking for a threesome, maybe next week?

This is bad because a) it's a lot of pressure and b) it makes it seem like this is something you've been trying to sneakily plan on your own for a while. Be casual and chill about it: Don't rush your girlfriend. The more pressure you put on her, the more likely she is to freak out and shut the idea down immediately.

RELATED: Here's How to Find a Third Partner for a Threesome

Indicate that it's not something that needs to happen — it's just a thought that might be fun to act upon someday, if the circumstances were right. (In fact, it may be more useful as fantasy fodder that gets you both turned on in the present.) Treat it as a distant possibility, not as a scheduled conference call that you have to make right away.

4. Be Ready to Deal With Feelings of Jealousy

Threesomes are tricky because they bring up lots of complicated emotions: primarily, jealousy. Your girlfriend's nightmare scenario is that you might ignore her during the threesome, and focus on the other girl. And what if the sex made you realize that you liked the other girl more?

That would be difficult for anybody to handle: Luckily, you can forestall this by assuring her of her importance to you. If she makes comments that seem irrational or hostile to you, don't get angry. Be understanding. Don't brush aside or dismiss her concerns; instead, remind her that she's the priority here:

You: I love you, I love our sex life, and I brought this up purely because it might be fun to do together some day. But of course, only if we're on the same page. You're the most important part of it- I wouldn't want anything if you weren't involved or excited about it.

Once she knows that she's the priority (and not the hot stranger you're planning to bone), she'll likely be much more relaxed and open to the idea.

5. Be Realistic About Negative Outcomes

In movies and TV, threesomes rarely rock the boat. Couples always seem to be having hot-and-heavy threesomes with a stranger who leaves the next morning.

Unfortunately, threesomes in real life are much more complicated — and can leave you both with a host of new relationship issues. That's why you shouldn't use a threesome as the gateway for you to fuck that cute girl in your building. That kind of move could torpedo your relationship.

The truth about threesomes is this: Ensuring that two separate people get off (without making anyone feel excluded) is a Herculean task. So, don't bring it up if it's only a casual desire in your head — it's much more effort than it looks! It may not be worth relationship friction, in the end.

If, on the other hand, you're in a loving, trusting relationship and you want to have a threesome because you want to have a shared erotic experience, you're doing it the right way. Good luck!

If you're looking for a third and would prefer to try dating sites to asking someone you already know, these three sites might be a good fit for your quest:


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AskMen Recommends: This site — or, more accurately, network of sites — has been around for many, many years, making it one of the most popular options and featuring  one of the biggest membership databases. It also has advanced over the years, with more search and communication options than most hookup apps. This is a great site for chatting casually online, cyber sex, or arranging an in-person menage à trois.

Check out AdultFriendFinder

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