Hi doctor, I have a very unusual problem and quite honestly, I am petrified of the reply. But, I feel I need to talk about it and get a professional outlook on what is going on in my head. I am ashamed to admit that for many years I have had on and off problem with cocaine. I suffer with low self esteem, anxiety and depression and tend to use it as a confidence booster. Unfortunately, though the drug seems to turn me into a totally different person, but nothing like sober at all. Once I have taken cocaine, I get a strong sexual arousal and find myself talking in chat rooms with pretty much anyone. The one thing that is scaring me and making me feel sick to my stomach though, is the conversation I am having on these sites. I usually end up engaging in sick sexual conversation which is mostly about minors. When I am sober, I end up very distressed and confused and unsure as to where these thoughts and conversations come from. I would like to make you aware, however, that these thoughts only ever come about under the influence of drugs and not when sober. I would never engage in anything with a minor, in fact, when I hear stories about pedophiles, etc., in reality it makes me feel disgusted about how people could ever do such things. I take care of my nieces and nephews all the time and have never felt sexually attracted to them. On the whole, I actually have a very low tolerance for children and have even asked to be sterilized because they drive me mad. I am certain that I do not want any. However, I feel there must be something wrong with me to engage in such horrid conversations. Is there a chance that I subconsciously attracted to children? Or is this just the drugs causing me problems? Like I said, when I am sober, I do not think these thoughts and never even enter chat sites. I am currently on Sertraline and Quetiapine. I have been with my fiance for two years and know how much I love him. Please help me. I am so confused, upset and disgusted with myself.
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