Hi doctor, Every day I feel intense disgust for humanity and people. I struggle with sadism, and my last girlfriend broke up with me because that went too far. It has always been a problem in relationships for me. I hate society so much. Every time I see a person I want to torture them brutally. Every house I walk by I want to just kick the door down. I just hate them all. I do not even value my own life. I am nothing. I feel like I was just born for this. Born wrong. Born to be a problem. I tried to fight it too, and I failed. No matter how much I tried to control it, even when professionals were involved, it overpowered me and ruined what little good was in my life. I am no immediate danger of hurting people, but I think one day I am going to really snap. I have built up an intensive library of bad experiences with people, and I do not think I can take much more. People repulse me now. Is there any hope for people whose brains are as warped as mine? I am 31 and I struggle to even hold down a job, because I find I get emotionally exhausted doing things I do not actually want to do. I also have a destructive temper, so that causes trouble at work too. What do I do? I have been through the emotions. You are only another psychiatrist, so I do not know what I am expecting in reaching out again. How can I break the cycle if therapy or medicines, and psych wards have not helped me? I have already tried taking my own life three times.
Hi. I can imagine how hard it is for you right now, anger, hatred, past traumas and experiences consume us all. In your case, it has gone a little too far. But, the fact that you have reached out even after trying everything is enough for me to see hope and tell you that yes, there is still something that can be done. Change is hard, and it takes huge amounts of strength and struggle but if you have decided that you need to get out of this situation and you are willing to do anything for it, then no one can stop you. I would suggest you to first ask yourself how determined are you for a change. If this is just another call to check if things can work and you yourself have doubts then surely you will fail and everything you try will fail as well. If you decide that you will find a way out, then no one can stop you. I would suggest starting therapy sessions regularly with a psychotherapy expert. If you cannot find one then you can opt for online therapy sessions with me. First, you need to vent out and learn to let go of past traumas. It will be hard and will take time but until and unless you do that, you cannot move forward. Once you are there, that is when we can focus on building new perspective and living a good life. Again telling you, it will be really hard, but it is possible. So find a local therapist or opt for a video consultation and we can talk. I hope this helps. Take care.