Hello doctor, My wife for 18 years no longer finds me attractive. Not physically but mentally. That is I no longer turn her on because I let her down, have lied and been lazy over the last years. She had already made her mind up to leave me before I knew we had a problem. For the children's sake, she has agreed to go into therapy but admits she does not see much hope of rekindling the lost passion and I am not 100 % convinced that she wants to. We are great friends, hang out a lot together, fitness, date nights, concerts, festivals, etc. We rarely argue, have no money issues, drug or drink abuse or violence. Is there any realistic chance that counseling can turn this around?
Hello. You have already taken the first step of acknowledging the problem and trying to address it. You have to gradually rebuild the trust, which is crucial for the survival of any relationship. You have admitted to letting your wife down and lying to her, which could have significantly contributed to your wife's negative feelings towards the relationship. It is difficult to comment further without knowing your wife's perspective. Couples therapy or marital therapy can potentially help to salvage the relationship. As you may know, you cannot predict success in all the cases, but I have personally seen several families benefitting from the intervention. I will advise you to attend therapy sincerely and take it from there. Make sure that your wife does not feel pressurized in doing things against her wishes. It is interesting to note that you are still great friends, and there are no significant conflicts involved. Did your wife not challenge you when you were lying and let her down? Has she internalized all her worries, anger instead of talking about them with you openly and seek a resolution? Therapy can help to find common ground and how to handle emotionally difficult scenarios. Marital therapy can come across as challenging but will be helpful. Continue with fun activities together as a family. I hope this helps. You can contact again if any further advice is needed.