[Behar:] I`m back with my pal, the very funny and slightly mental, Mario Cantone. Mario, do you have anything to say about the Sandra Bullock BullockJesse James fiasco?
[Cantone:] Yes, this is what I have to say right here in the Cantone Zone, my new show. Welcome Joy. I feel this. And you know when people say to me, how long have you been with your partner, I always say 19 years, and they`re like shut up. Never celebrate were relationship publicly. Never. And don`t make half your speeches about him if your getting the SAG Award, the Golden Globe and the Academy Award because once you write the book or celebrate it like that, it`s over. It`s done. And then you look like a piquack. That`s the word of the day.
[Behar:] Is that a boat in a famous book? Piquack?
[Cantone:] It`s my made-up slang for the
[Behar:] What about the Nazi stuff that he had? Hear about that?
[Cantone:] You know, it`s a sexual fantasy of dominance, is what it is.
[Behar:] Oh.
[Cantone:] I mean it`s like leather and you know, it`s like a leather thing
[Behar:] You know that`s funny. You`re the first person to say that. I wonder why you came up with that?
[Cantone:] Because I love a man in leather. Oh, yeah. No, because it`s a sexual dominance. I don`t think he`s actually wanting to round up Catholics, homosexuals and Jews and, you know, put them I don`t. I think that it`s not. I don`t think he`s a Nazi. I think it`s a sexual dominance it`s like Cloris Leachman in "High Anxiety"; she was in that leather thing and you`re like, "You shut up."
[Behar:] But that was a fictionalized movie. This is reality.
[Cantone:] Based on truth, though. There are many nurses that love a whip.
[Behar:] I know. But he`s not in a movie, this guy.
[Cantone:] No, I know. No, actually it`s a sexual dominance.
[Behar:] What about Sandra. Where was her head? Talk about the Cantone Zone, the bullet zone.
[Cantone:] I don`t know where her head was. I don`t think that he was wearing Nazi leather in front of her and saying, "Say something nice about me when you get that award."
[Behar:] No, I don`t think he was doing that but do you think she knew about all this stuff?
[Cantone:] I don`t think she did. I don`t think she did. I think she`s too smart to celebrate it like that if she knew some stuff.
[Behar:] But it`s like the same idea that you`re sleeping with a gay guy and you`re a straight woman and you don`t know he`s gay. You`re sleeping with a Nazi lover and you don`t know he`s a Nazi? Come on?
[Cantone:] People can hide things. There are many, many, many secrets that people have.
[Behar:] But he didn`t hide them. He had he took pictures with the Nazi hat on.
[Cantone:] I looked at him and went his life is run by his tattoos and his penis. It is evident. It is evident by looking at him. He rides a bike, which is an extension of
[Behar:] Again, why marry the guy? I have one more question from Twitter before we go.
[Cantone:] Twitter?
[Behar:] Yes. First of all.
[Cantone:] Hit it.
[Behar:] When can we see Sex and the City, Number 2? I hear you steal the movie, someone wrote that. Your brother sent that.
[Cantone:] Yes, my brother sent that. I doubt I steal the movie but it comes out officially May 28th. It comes out May 28th.
[Behar:] May 28th. So we`re going to see you in that film with Sara and the rest of the girls.
[Cantone:] And I`ll be back to talk about it too, Joy, because I must come back.
[Behar:] Of course, you will.
[Cantone:] To the SS beehive which is what this is. I want to get on the end of that and be like, "I`m king of the world."
[Behar:] Ok. Here`s the last question and you don`t even have to answer it. When will Mario finally come out of the closet as a straight guy?
[Cantone:] What are you talking about? I get the piquack every day.
[Behar:] If you`re in San Francisco, catch Mario Cantone at the historic Castro Theater Saturday night. Back in a minute.
[Cantone:] Yes, please come. [Commercial Break]
[Behar:] It hasn`t been a great couple of weeks for Sandra Bullock`s husband Jesse James. He`s been photographed in a Nazi outfit and accused of being a racist all this just because he rooted for the Von Trapps to get caught at the end of "The Sound of Music." Here with me to discuss this and so much more, comedian Michelle Collins managing editor of bestweekever.tv, is that it?
[Michelle Collins, Comedian:] That`s it.
[Behar:] OK, Andy Borowitz of the borowitzreport.com and Natalie Thomas, deputy news editor of "US Weekly" a paper that you can actually touch, "US Weekly". So yes a lot of despicable things keep popping up about this guy. And so what do you anything new since we sat down.
[Natalie Thomas, Deputy News Editor, Us Weekly:] I`m not sure exactly, I have to check, very possible. He is back in rehab reportedly in Arizona. He was there for a moment, checked out, allegedly because he Sandra wasn`t taking his calls and he was very upset, so he thought he was doing it all for nothing.
[Behar:] He expects her to take his calls.
[Thomas:] I guess so.
[Behar:] What a nerve.
[Thomas:] He`s now back in rehab, she is still in pretty much in hiding, she`s in L.A., you know, keeping very low coverage and has seen a few friends but is really I think figuring out the next move in what to do. But we`re talking to tons of sources who say there`s absolutely no way she`ll be going back to him.
[Behar:] Well we have a photo of him in a Nazi helmet. Does that make you a Nazi or do you just look good in jack boots, you know, and a leather coat. I mean
[Andy Borowitz, Borowitzreport.com:] You know I just think that this whole thing was a regalia, the Nazi regalia this is like a public relations nightmare for Nazis, I mean just to be associated with Jesse James is the last thing you wanted at this junction. And I think
[Behar:] Well "ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY" named him the most hated man in America.
[Thomas:] Wow.
[Behar:] It`s the first time in nine years that Dick Cheney didn`t come in first.
[Borowitz:] Wow.
[Thomas:] His Hitler photos were filed away.
[Behar:] Someone has to come to the defense. Do you have anything good about him?
[Thomas:] Well you know what
[Behar:] Besides, what was your you have something good to right, Andy? What was it?
[Borowitz:] Well no. I just think, you know, for a Nazi, I think he`s a good guy. I mean we have to keep him sort of compare him to other Nazis. I think he`s not bad for a Nazi.
[Behar:] I once so a documentary about Nazis. And they said Nazis thought Rudolph Hess was the worst Nazi. How bad was Rudolph Hess that Joseph Goebbels even thought that he was a bad Nazi. That`s what you sound like.
[Borowitz:] Exactly Rudolph Hess here, Jesse James here.
[Behar:] Yes, go ahead Michelle.
[Collins:] No I think one good thing about Jesse James according to the reports, he`s fabulous at sex tapes. He`s got a real creative eye.
[Borowitz:] He`s prolific.
[Collins:] Like prolific, he`s like the Ken Byrnes of the celebrity sex tapes really. From what I`m reading it was like literally the poo-poo platter of what a celebrity can do in one of these things. And you know, is this like a surprise that he`s a Nazi, though? You never see Jews in the Hells Angels
[Behar:] No.
[Collins:] Technically I think because Jews don`t believe in Hell`s Angels.
[Behar:] They don`t believe in hell.
[Collins:] Right.
[Borowitz:] We have not made as many sex tapes as we should by the way. We are playing catch up on that part
[Collins:] You can`t even turn the camera on, you know. It`s over.
[Borowitz:] I know exactly.
[Behar:] All right Natalie let me ask you something, how clueless is Sandra Bullock in all of this? I mean, come on.
[Thomas:] There are those that will argue she had to know something. Because the guy has a very troubled sorted of past, you know. He had been in juvenile detention as a kid, he had suffered you know alcohol problems, he was married to a porn star, he`s had problems and all this baggage.
[Behar:] The wedding marshes Deutschland, Deutschland. [Inaudible] It`s was a beautiful wedding.
[Collins:] It was a beautiful wedding. He had a swastika up on the wall.
[Behar:] I mean not for nothing, but she`s a nice girl. But you have to ask yourself at this point, did she know nothing, know nothing?
[Borowitz:] She has a history of making bad choices she has a history of making bad choices. I don`t know if you saw that film she did with Hugh Grant
[Behar:] Yes.
[Borowitz:] But that was another case
[Behar:] Yes that was bad, OK, let`s move on to another fabulous couple, Jon and Kate Gosselin.
[Collins:] Love them.
[Borowitz:] Oh.
[Behar:] Jon has filed for custody of their eight kids is claiming Kate is spending too much of her time dancing. Now Jon Gosselin`s lawyer filed today asking for primary custody of the eight kids. Jon has been paying her $20,000 a month, but he doesn`t have a job now so he doesn`t have any money. So is this his way of getting out of paying the money by taking over the kids? I don`t get it.
[Borowitz:] Well that whole legal argument is not going to stand up because he is claiming she is spending too much time on dancing. I saw her on TV. She`s not dancing.
[Collins:] Do you know where the children are? Like it is hardly 11 kids are they going to see him
[Borowitz:] I hope those children should go on craigslist and find new parents. That`s what they should be doing.
[Collins:] The best thing that happened to them is neither of them are raising them, really.
[Borowitz:] I feel bad for the Gosselins. What is the plural of Gosselins is it Geeselines?
[Collins:] Gosselins.
[Behar:] Gosselins, yes, so do you think he`s capable you`re a father, do you think he is capable of raising the kids between naps? How is he going to do it?
[Borowitz:] Well, I just gosh, I think he`s a disaster. I mean I just feel so bad for the kids because it`s humiliating having this dad who is such a scum bag and a mom who is just such a terrible dancer. I think they`re going to have a lot to live down.
[Behar:] That`s true.
[Borowitz:] It`s really tough. I mean at least they`re not in Nazi regalia. That`s the one thing I can say for those two.
[Collins:] They had a little brigade there.
[Behar:] No there`s no Nazi thing here.
[Borowitz:] There`s none?
[Behar:] Let`s not get them all mixed up.
[Borowitz:] All right, OK.
[Behar:] But can this guy Jon, does he have a career? What was his career? He wants to recycle
[Thomas:] He an I.T. guy previously.
[Behar:] A what?
[Thomas:] An I.T., you know, internet technology.
[Collins:] Computer.
[Thomas:] Yes.
[Borowitz:] Interesting. I didn`t know that.
[Behar:] Well he has skill.
[Thomas:] But now he`s obsolete because well he had a skill back in the day but this has been years and years. Obviously he`s out of touch.
[Borowitz:] Everything he use to do is now done by an Iphone App to give you an idea.
[Thomas:] Exactly.
[Borowitz:] He`s totally rendered up.
[Behar:] So can he get
[Thomas:] A boss who said that even you know years ago he was a terrible I.T. person, so I don`t think he has a chance in going into the real work force.
[Collins:] He makes a fantastic Ed Hardy Model. I see a real future for being like the a-hole who models you know Tiger, high fiving Tiger.
[Borowitz:] You know what else I think he could do, I think he could be the guy in those home security ads who kicks down the door.
[Collins:] Yes.
[Borowitz:] I think that`s I can see that role for him.
[Collins:] I don`t know if he can kick a door down. He`s a weakling, he`s so weak.
[Behar:] Now they throw off Buzz Aldrin. I thought that was ageist, the poor guy. I mean he`s an astronaut. Keep him on. And do you think that show is rigged? That they are keeping Kate Gosselin there?
[Borowitz:] There`s such a consistent
[Behar:] Well there`s suppose to be the audience that votes, remember that
[Borowitz:] Lots of consistent anti-astronaut bias on that show. No astronaut has made it to the finals, final.
[Behar:] That`s true, I would like into that. OK former "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" actress Nicolette Sheridan is suing her former show for $20 million she says the show`s creative Mark Cherry slapped her on the face on the set. OK do you know anything Natalie about this?
[Thomas:] We know that he has spoken to a lot of people on the show and sources there. And we know that he`s known to be this erratic, you know, emotional, crazy kind of person. Whether or not he slapped her or not, it remains to be seen. There are plenty of people who say that it didn`t happen. There are others who said that it easily could have happened, remains to be seen.
[Behar:] Well, I read in the Enquirer, my paper of record, that he was showing her how to do a slap in a sense. That`s possible.
[Borowitz:] It`s method slapping.
[Behar:] Well you know it is because when you do you ever do that? You`re supposed to come up to the face and not hit the person.
[Collins:] 10 million right there. Lawsuit in the bag.
[Behar:] And then they put the sound effect.
[Collins:] Here`s my question, Mark Cherry he is a homosexual. I need to know what kind of a slap we are talking about, is this a real zest slap, or was he challenging her to a duel, you know what I mean? Like how intense, Andy?
[Behar:] But you know, go ahead.
[Borowitz:] You know Liza Minnelli and David Guest.
[Thomas:] She was written off the show.
[Collins:] No.
[Thomas:] But that isn`t the question as is the case of sour grapes. Because you know why is she filing now if this happened in 2008.
[Borowitz:] The part of that story that shocked me is "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" is still on the air. I didn`t know that.
[Behar:] Why? It`s a hit still.
[Collins:] I love it.
[Behar:] It is still a hit yes. And it is suppose to
[Borowitz:] Is it still a hit? I`m going to watch it now for the violence. I didn`t know it was the violent show.
[Behar:] You know you created the "FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR", which I did not know
[Borowitz:] That`s true.
[Behar:] About you
[Borowitz:] That`s true.
[Behar:] It must have been when you were in-
[Borowitz:] Oh I was just a baby
[Behar:] Yes. Did you ever slap Will Smith.
[Borowitz:] You know I never slipped him, but I had to like teach him a lot about I told him about my childhood growing up in West Philadelphia and you know where I was born and raised. And I would rap a lot to him so I guess that`s the closest no slapping but rapping. I mean that`s the closest we got
[Collins:] All is work, absolutely.
[Behar:] OK now, the cast members are all supporting the reports say that cast members all support Nicolette Sheridan and have had enough of Mark Cherry`s antics yet they are keeping their mouths shut. Now if that`s true, the obvious question is, why won`t they talk? The obvious answer is they need their job.
[Thomas:] Absolutely.
[Behar:] So.
[Thomas:] They`re not looking to get written off anytime soon. A lot of these women are in their 40s. We know that it`s a touchy issue in Hollywood. And they`re smart. They don`t want to lose their job.
[Behar:] So could this be a revenge lawsuit that Nicolette is trying to do here. Is it revenge because he threw her off the show, of course he has the right to write her off. I mean he is the creator of the show.
[Thomas:] Absolutely.
[Collins:] Is she still with Michael Bolton? This is more my concern? Did they break up?
[Behar:] No, they broke up.
[Collins:] That`s hard
[Borowitz:] no more.
[Behar:] No I`m a wreck over it, too. Thanks everyone. Up next, the queen of southern cuisine stops by. You know who she is. Paula, don`t go anywhere.