[Al Gore, Vice President Of The United States:] And tonight, for the sake of our unity as a people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession.
[Jon Stewart, "the Daily Show":] Did he concede? What do we do now?
[Stewart:] Did O.J. or Monica do anything today?
[Larry King:] Tonight, for comedians the last few weeks nonstop laughfest. Joining me in Los Angeles, one of the funniest folks around, Jon Stewart, host of "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central. You do not want to miss the next hour on LARRY KING LIVE. Finally, an hour with Jon Stewart. We've been trying to put this together for months, and sometimes it happens, and then it doesn't. Other stories break, but finally we got him here. We'll be taking your phone calls. He's truly one of the funny, funny people and it's a great pleasure to have you here.
[Stewart:] It's a great pleasure to be here. I'm excited. I'm looked around. Where's everybody else? Hal Bruno, Schlessinger.
[King:] You missed all of that.
[Stewart:] They're not here? Every time I turn you on it looks like a "Matlock" book club.
[King:] Well, we were on top of it. OK, first on news of the day, we're going to repeat an interview tomorrow night with Colin Powell that we did because tomorrow he's going to be named secretary of state.
[Stewart:] I'm excited. Who doesn't love 80s nostalgia? You love it, right?
[King:] That's 80s.
[Stewart:] They're getting the old band back together Colin Powell, Dick Cheney. When I think on Inauguration Day with those guys up on the dais, you know, they're going to do their thing and the crowd's going to have the lighters up. Do something from Iran-Contra. You guys are awesome. I love that they're getting them. They should keep going. Forget keep going back into Republicans. What's Kissinger doing? What about Patton? He's around still, isn't he? Keep going back. Westmoreland.
[King:] All right, this was great comedy material, right? You couldn't have written this.
[Stewart:] I have some news for you, Larry. I did write this. Four years ago. Secret journal. No, it was you know, here's why I think we can deal with it in a humorous way. It's not that serious. As much as we play the tragedy of it and the melodrama, if this truly were a crisis and a tragedy, we couldn't get the giggles that we're getting from it.
[King:] Media said it was crisis, but the public never did.
[Stewart:] Right, the media said it was crisis. No, the public was busy. They have the dog to walk, They have, oh, God. The pie's done.
[King:] But this is the presidency, though. They should have been excited.
[Stewart:] But I don't know. Did we have one the last four years? Who was it last four years? Clinton?
[King:] Clinton.
[Stewart:] OK, yes, but he wasn't nobody listened to him past two years.
[King:] You mean it don't matter anymore who's president?
[Stewart:] No, it doesn't matter, unless we're in a crisis. It matters in war and depression and that's not so funny, but other than that, as long people are concerned about their lives. The problem, I think, that maybe the media has to a certain extent is they define themselves along partisan lines. The people that you interview are Democrats or Republicans. The country, that's not their defining characteristic. You know, you don't turn on "Wheel of Fortune" and Pat Sajak, oh, we've got a woman. She's an ad executive, three children, moderate Republican, pro-choice. You know what I mean? Nobody that's not how people define themselves.
[King:] Was it nice seeing Jim Baker back?
[Stewart:] Jim Baker I missed, although I tell you didn't they used to call him the Velvet Hammer?
[King:] Yes.
[Stewart:] I think the velvet's worn out. He just looked like the hammer to me.
[King:] He was a little rough?
[Stewart:] He was a little rough. I mean they're literally it's like every now and again George W. Bush will just call up his dad and go, do you know anybody who wants to go to Florida? Maybe help me out a little bit. I don't know what to do right now. I'm putting together my Cabinet. You know any black guys? Anybody I can put together? Baker, yes. I think made a mistake because he came out. He was supposed to be one of our wise men. He, Warren Christopher. And Warren Christopher is so genteel. Literally, afterwards you'd figure he'd just reach into his pocket, pull out a little hard candy covered with lint and give it to some of the reporters. Please, good mazol to you. Have some fun. But Baker was just up there.
[King:] Angry.
[Stewart:] Oh, my God. When he warned us that if we didn't get closure, the stock markets would fall. Do you remember when went on TV? Look at the Nasdaq. It's acting funny. Oh, the Nasdaq, our longstanding institution of rationality, the Nasdaq. Oh, my God. It's acting weird.
[King:] It went down today.
[Stewart:] It goes down. They don't it makes no sense, the Nasdaq.
[King:] People who buy stocks.
[Stewart:] Makes no sense.
[King:] Why do they buy and sell like this?
[Stewart:] And it's the same reason we go to Vegas. Come on, black. That's all it is.
[King:] It's Gambling.
[Stewart:] Yes, it's gambling.
[King:] But they lose faith in one day and then they faith back Greenspan.
[Stewart:] You know what I heard today? Gold. Buy gold. Like it's 1838, Buy gold. Andrew Jackson's coming, buy gold.
[King:] OK, what do you make of Florida now?
[Stewart:] Let's take a call.
[King:] Wait a minute. We will in a while
[Stewart:] Let's take a...
[King:] We will in a while.
[Stewart:] All right. Sorry.
[King:] Florida. How did Florida come out of all of this, do you think?
[Stewart:] The same way they went into it. Not looking well.
[King:] What did they...
[Stewart:] Looking a little peaked.
[King:] What went wrong in Palm Beach?
[Stewart:] Old Jews, Larry. No, I don't know if you're familiar with that. Palm Beach is with old Jews and they're used to being able to send things back. You know that as well as I do. Whether it be briskets...
[King:] Palm Beach used to be no Jews.
[Stewart:] Is that true?
[King:] Oh, you're too young. Palm Beach, forget it.
[Stewart:] When was this?
[King:] Palm Beach was a stricter community,
[Stewart:] You see that. You let us in, and what happens. Like moss, we take over and then we send ballots back. I'm sure they thought it was no big deal when they first did it. They go, maybe I voted for Buchanan, but I don't know. I like Gore. Can I vote again? You know, they're just used to that sort of thing. But I really have a theory about Florida that Florida was doing very well for itself for a long time. They had spring break was there. They were really coming on in national scene.
[King:] Houston.
[Stewart:] Used to shoot shuttles launches from there. Everybody used to come to Cape Canaveral. Then O.J. moved there. Now I'm not saying, but ever since he moved there, what happened? Elian Gonzalez, the Palm Beach Florida thing. You see what I'm saying? Are you with me on the conspiracy theory?
[King:] A slow truck riding on highway followed by helicopters.
[Stewart:] Thank you. You know, you never know with this guy. You know, he could be polluting the whole thing. He might have been the one who threw Elian into the sea. We don't know. We don't know. We don't know who was out there.
[King:] Do you think he might have had something to do with the ballots?
[Stewart:] It may be. I mean, certainly it was about not being able to punch it through. You never know. That makes no sense, does it? Makes absolutely no sense. I don't know what I'm talking about.
[King:] That's beauty of it.
[Stewart:] No, it is, though. But I do there has been a good effect from it. Right near my house in New York City, they are opening up a new gay bar called the hanging chad, and I think.
[King:] Is this a tainted presidency, do you think?
[Stewart:] Aren't they all? It is not a tainted presidency anymore. So, now that it's done. He's won and it's his presidency to taint. I'm sure that if we leave him alone, he will taint it on his own.
[King:] OK, what happens if the meddlesome "Miami Herald," say in January brings forth its own vote and then tabulates it and shows you here's what the dimples were, here's what the chads were, and in one of them, Gore won? Would that cause a crisis then?
[Stewart:] Absolutely a crisis.
[King:] And what would happen?
[Stewart:] The same crisis nothing would happen. He'd be the president in the same way that Clinton got impeached, he was still the president. We're not a nation on the precipice of any constitutional disaster other than you know what we have? We have a pundit disaster. We're out of pundits. They've been used up now, and they have nothing left to say.
[King:] They were all wrong.
[Stewart:] I was watching your show. I could literally lip sync without having seen it before, to the pundits. You had Pataki on, it was like somebody just wound him up and let him go. They had a count. They had another count. Bush has won rule of law. Didn't matter what you asked him, he just I was literally lip syncing along to the Republicans. Then you'd go to Democrat and he would say, every vote counts. We have not had a fair count. We're only asking for a fair count. Governor Pataki, what do you think of that? We had a count. We had a recount. Sometimes a third and fourth count rule of law.
[King:] Count counts.
[Stewart:] Change the rules in the middle of the game. I'm lip syncing at home. It's like karaoke now.
[King:] And how about the reporters? Well, let me ask you how the media fared in all of this.
[Stewart:] They fared very well. Look, here's why...
[King:] Let me get a break.
[Stewart:] I cannot leave right now.
[King:] This is not Comedy Central. Let me get a break.
[Stewart:] Oh, is that true? You have advertisers?
[King:] Worldwide.
[Stewart:] Oh, we don't have those.
[King:] We'll be right back with Jon Stewart, host of "The Daily Show," one of the funny people. We'll be taking calls for Jon, too. Don't go away.
[Stewart:] He was clearly caught off guard by the loss, and my guess is in the rush probably just jotted down some notes on back of a napkin. Here's his speech.
[Gore:] Good evening.
[Stewart:] Oh, my God. What a sore loser!
[Gore:] Now the U.S. Supreme court has spoken. Let there be no doubt, while I strongly disagree with the courts decision, I accept it.
[Stewart:] Gore added.
[Unidentified Male:] Earlier today in a last-ditch effort to put an end to the election stalemate, Al Gore ate George W. Bush.
[Unidentified Female:] On "Meet the Press" last Sunday, Dick Cheney warned that we may be on the edge of a recession. Governor Bush has since asked his running mate, "If it's warm enough, can we have recession outside?"
[Stewart:] That's funny.
[King:] These are what? Funny.
[Stewart:] So Bush is dumb?
[King:] Now, these jocks about that: Unfair, Jon?
[Stewart:] Absolutely.
[King:] Unfair?
[Stewart:] Yes. Guilty, as charged. They're completely unfair. I mean, he can't he can't be that dumb. I mean, he did well, he can drive.
[King:] What do you think of us, the media, on election night?
[Stewart:] I thought an amazing job.
[King:] You liked what we did?
[Stewart:] I just want to say that our show, "The Daily Show," was the first news outlet to call it wrong. And I just want to get that on the record.
[King:] No.
[Stewart:] Seriously?
[King:] I never did. I delivered groceries, but I never worked in a restaurant.
[Stewart:] Really? Well...
[King:] Why? Does everybody work in a restaurant?
[Stewart:] Everybody that sucks. I sucked for a while. You never sucked? You were just good right off the...
[King:] I delivered groceries. No...
[Stewart:] So what, when you were 12?
[King:] Yes...
[Stewart:] And then you jumped right into radio and got your own show and that was the end of it.
[King:] No, I
[Stewart:] You calling me a schmuck?
[King:] No. I forgot what I asked you.
[Stewart:] Here's what you asked me, here's what I think. Everybody was panicking. You know, you turn on the TV, and literally, you know, you'd see pundits and their heads would start to grow like "Scanners" and it's just, the veins would phup. But the country has to go to work, and many of them have, you know, to maybe rake leaves and things like that. They're not as wild about it. It's like when I used to work at a restaurant, we'd get really angry about the things that went on in the restaurant. She sat someone at the four-top with only two people, that's crazy! And then you'd have big arguments about it, but outside the restaurant, if you walked outside and went, the four top with the two top, I'm not going to marry ketchups all night, people would go, yes, that really sounds like a problem.
[King:] When these people, when their eyes bulge like that...
[Stewart:] Yes.
[King:] ... did you hold them all in anger that they had that we had somehow misled you?
[Stewart:] You created it. You didn't mislead me, because I don't watch I don't watch you guys. I'm disgusted by it. No, that's not true.
[King:] You're disgusted?
[Stewart:] No, I watch it all the time. Here's what it was. By calling it for Bush, by making him...
[King:] At 2:00 a.m.
[Stewart:] ... the presumptive president-elect, we lost all chance to do a fair and reasonable recount immediately by hand. We lost that chance. Because there was a presumptive because there was a guy driving to go do a concession speech. And you know, they expressed shock that he would say he was going to recall it. By the end of the night, it was down to a thousand votes. Of course, he's not going to concede at that point. But the damage had been done. The picture had already gone up. The fireworks behind the head. You know, George Walker Herbert Quincy Adams Bush is the 18th president of the United, blah-blah. You know, then it would come back to Brokaw, and him and Russert would know go "or not" and just stare at each other.
[King:] Do you think, therefore, we have learned from that and it will not happen again?
[Stewart:] Here's the danger of it. If we don't do something, Larry, this is going to happen to us every 120 years...
[King:] I remember that night.
[Stewart:] This cannot stand.
[King:] You warned us.
[Stewart:] I warned us.
[King:] Remember, the Tilden was on the show.
[Stewart:] Tilden, though, bitter, bitter, bitter.
[King:] And he was ticked.
[Stewart:] You know that.
[King:] He was ticked.
[Stewart:] Very angry.
[King:] Well, wouldn't you be?
[Stewart:] We've all handled this so much better there are two tragedies in this situation. One is clearly there is a disenfranchisement of minorities and the poor in this country. That's I think probably the only issue of depth that we have to really deal with in that sense. And the other issue is Russert has to get ride of the hand-card thing when he writes on the boards. Do you know, with the magic marker... Exactly. That's got to go.
[King:] Why, you don't like it?
[Stewart:] That and the minority voting are the two tragedies.
[King:] Those are the two tragedies?
[Stewart:] I think so.
[King:] You rate them equally?
[Stewart:] Maybe Russert a little more.
[King:] We'll be right back with Jon Stewart, host of "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central. We'll including your phone calls. Tomorrow night, we're going to replay our interview with Colin Powell. According to every informed source we know, he'll be...
[Stewart:] He's funny.
[King:] He's a riot. Well, Colin is funny, very funny.
[Stewart:] I know.
[King:] He'll be named the secretary of state of tomorrow. On Monday night, Katie Couric for an hour.
[Stewart:] Very good.
[King:] We'll be right back with Jon Stewart. Don't go away. [Begin Video Clip, Nbc "the Tonight Show"]
[Jay Leno:] Governor Bush, Governor Bush, just one question. Well, hang on. Hang on, everybody. I'll get his attention. Oh, Governor Bush...
[Gov. George W. Bush , Presidential Candidate:] Ask his legal advice.
[Leno:] Let me ask you a question: Do you know who this little guy is?
[Bush:] Jim Baker?
[Unidentified Male:] Governor Bush, are you going to make a statement about the Supreme Court?
[Bush:] Well, I'll make a statement once we determine what the outcome of the Supreme Court decision is, and...
[Leno:] Oh, come on. You know you want a brewskie. Why not?
[Bush:] I'm keeping my emotions in check.
[Leno:] Oh, you're the president now oooh.
[Begin Video Clip, Cbs "the Late Show With David Letterman") David Letterman:] But if you think about it and Al W. Gore has thought about it. And he and Tipper...
[King:] Good line.
[Stewart:] Very good.
[King:] A lot of...
[Stewart:] Very good. Yes.
[King:] Create your own stuff, right?
[Stewart:] Absolutely.
[King:] Did you who came out the best in all this? Did you have a favorite person?
[Stewart:] A favorite person to mock or...
[King:] Mock. Who's your favorite to mock?
[Stewart:] Mr. T. Was he in this?
[King:] No.
[Stewart:] Well, I think anybody who is in a position of blind partisanship is always easy to mock, and that was everybody. So we had a ball with everybody. I mean, it was easy. Look, you don't want to just Katherine Harris came out and it was immediately, you know, "Avon calling" and all that stuff with the makeup. That...
[King:] Bad rap maybe?
[Stewart:] Yes, and you don't want to stay on that level. You want to go deeper and find out the makeup on the inside. You want to see the eye shadow on the inside. Do you know what I'm saying?
[King:] No.
[Stewart:] It's a metaphor.
[King:] What did you make of the...
[Stewart:] Judge.
[King:] The guy with the light.
[Stewart:] Holding it up?
[King:] Yes.
[Stewart:] I thought we were into the guy who had the magnifying glass...
[King:] Yes.
[Stewart:] ... and every time they'd cut to him he'd be doing this...
[King:] Did you understand the dilemma of the dimples and the chads? Did you understand?
[Stewart:] I do understand the dilemma, because and this is something that happened to me. I had officially thought that I had lost my virginity in 1981, but it turns out and I was just notified of this I had only dimpled the chad.
[King:] Oh!
[Stewart:] And so it's being taken away from me. CNN moved my virvinity into the too-close-to-call category.
[King:] All right. Let's move to some issues. Do we expect some Democrats in the...
[Stewart:] Bring the issues on Larry. Can I tell you something? Loaded for bear.
[King:] Democrats...
[Stewart:] Bring the issues on.
[King:] Democrats in the Cabinet. John Breaux turned him down today.
[Stewart:] I don't know that one. Give me another issue.
[King:] You don't know that one.
[Stewart:] Is this on? I think I think there will be Democrats in the Cabinet.
[King:] Anyone you recommend?
[Stewart:] I like Bill Clinton. I think he's done a hell of a job.
[King:] What post?
[Stewart:] I'd like him to be president.
[King:] I don't think George will give him that. So...
[Stewart:] You know what, two years from now we're going to want it. Two years from now, we're going to show up on Bill Clinton's doorstep in Chappaqua naked with a box of cigars, going stick it wherever you want, just come back. Whatever you got to do.
[King:] We'll be back with more of Jon Stewart's keen analysis of the news. He's bucking for Bill Schneider's job.
[Stewart:] Bring it on!
[King:] Bring it on.
[Stewart:] Schneider!
[King:] You'd like to be Wolf Blitzer, wouldn't you, secretly?
[Stewart:] I need that beard. I need the Blitzer beard.
[King:] We'll be back with more of Jon Stewart. We'll include your phone calls. Don't go away. [Begin Video Clip, Comedy Central "the Daily Show"]
[Stewart:] All we can really tell you is the electoral count stays the same. Bush has taken 20 states, Gore has taken 13. The interesting thing is Bush has swept the South: Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi that's M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I...
[Begin Video Clip, Nbc "the Tonight Show") Leno:] I guess last night they had a little victory party. Did you see that footage of George W. Bush driving home today?
[Unidentified Male:] Oh, no, I didn't, Jay.
[Leno:] In the early morning. Show Bush driving home at dawn. There he is, coming down the freeway. There he is. Probably a little tipsy, yes.
[King:] It never stops. Jon Stewart, brilliant humorist. People overseas?
[Stewart:] Terrible, terrible for our country overseas.
[King:] Their reaction?
[Stewart:] I was in Israel last week, and that's all they talked about over there.
[King:] The American election?
[Stewart:] Exactly. Just between Hasidics, Palestinians together at coffee shops. Just a dimpled chad is a vote! I'm telling you, my friend. Listen to me, my friend. If you do not punch in the stylus, it does not count as a vote. I tell you, I think there's going to be real trouble over there.
[King:] What do you think...
[Stewart:] Canada did it better than us. Canada held their election in one day. Canada.
[King:] Mexico.
[Stewart:] Haiti. We're the ones who installed their government and now they're running it better than us. I think they were ruled by a cardboard cutout of Lee Majors in the '70s for a while.
[King:] Do you think the trouble they have is understanding the electoral college? They don't understand how one man got more votes...
[Stewart:] They don't understand the electoral college. No one understands the electoral college. I mean, the electoral college was put into place so that white slave-owning people from states like Virginia would have the same power as the more populous northern states. I mean, that's that's what it was for. That's why guys like Jefferson got in office, was because the balance of power had to be shifted some way, because there was a lot of population in Virginia, but they were only counting them as what? three- quarters person.
[King:] Three-quarters of a person.
[Stewart:] You know, so...
[King:] You're saying that now it's outmoded?
[Stewart:] Oh, it's most definitely outmoded, but you'll never get 38 states to ratify that.
[King:] What did you make of the Supreme Court in all of this?
[Stewart:] I thought that was the biggest shock. George W. Bush is a Republican, and yet, in the final tally of votes, 5 to 4, 100 percent of the African-American vote went for George W. Bush. I thought that was really interesting.
[King:] He did. He got the entire African-American vote on...
[Stewart:] Clarence Thomas.
[King:] Yes, he got it.
[Stewart:] I love Clarence Thomas not saying a word during the whole thing. I literally figured he's just playing Minesweeper the whole time. People are talking back and forth. In his head, he's just like blah-blah-blah-blah law, law, law, law.
[King:] You're saying he didn't listen?
[Stewart:] No.
[King:] You don't think he listened?
[Stewart:] No, I think he listened. I think he listened and then went in the back and went, what do we do, Scalia I like yesterday, they had a tape of him on C-SPAN. He was talking to high-school kids trying to explain, because they were I mean, you're upset. Basically, the Supreme Court said if you make a constitutionally, this would be valid. If you give standards, specific standards, and you recount the whole state, you can do this, it will be valid. You've got two hours.
[King:] That's what they said.
[Stewart:] And basically, it's a catch-22. You almost thought Yossarian would walk into the courtroom and go, what, what happened. So naturally, kids, people...
[King:] So Clarence was the judge was speaking.
[Stewart:] Right, and he was speaking to kids and he was trying to explain to them what they had done, trying to explain that it wasn't partisan. And he said, look, I like the Dallas Cowboys, I can't make you like the Dallas Cowboys. I like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I can't make you like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. See what I'm saying? And they cut away to the kids, and they're like, "I don't know what you're saying."
[King:] Called the Rule of Law.
[Stewart:] Yes. Well, they were at their campaign headquarters.
[King:] There were guys in the rule of law who...
[Stewart:] The Rule of Law as a Nonpartisan Observer. How many times did you hear the word "rule of law"?
[King:] All throughout it, but I didn't know...
[Stewart:] How many times have you heard it before this month?
[King:] Not much.
[Stewart:] Never.
[King:] But I did not know that you actually contacted them.
[Stewart:] We contacted them. Very sad.
[King:] How many rules are there, of law?
[Stewart:] There's just the one group, and they're very sad tonight.
[King:] How many in it?
[Stewart:] Three guys.
[King:] Three guys.
[Stewart:] It's actually, it's like the Mouseketeers. There's like 12 of them. There's Cubby and Buffy. I don't know who's in the rule of law. But who uses terms like rule of law? That's what you do, whenever you trap somebody and you know that as an interviewer you trap somebody in their own hypocrisy, and what do they do? Well, it's rule of law.
[King:] You can't be against the rule...
[Stewart:] Exactly. You had a guy on the other night. George W. Bush used the word "race" three times in his acceptance speech, and somebody said, he's clearly reaching out to minorities. He mentioned "race" three times. David Duke mentions race like 50 times in his speeches.
[King:] We'll be back with Jon Stewart. We'll include your phone calls on this edition of LARRY KING LIVE. We'll replay our interview with the new secretary of state, Colin Powell. It will be official tomorrow. Of course, the Senate has to approve. Don't bet against it. Katie Couric on Monday. We'll be right back. [Begin Video Clip, "the Daily Show"]
[Stewart:] Now we're still here crunching some numbers. We'll be here all night. But it looks like one of the most surprising things about this Florida vote is that George W. Bush got 100 percent of the African- American vote shocking.
[Begin Video Clip, "saturday Night Live") Will Ferrell, Actor:] Read 'em and weep, Al. That is a double word core.
[Darrell Hammond, Actor:] That is not a word, George.
[Ferrell:] Sure it is.
[Hammond:] Listen to me, George. Dignitude is not a word.
[Ferrell:] Well it's certainly not a word we associate with the Clinton-Gore administration, I'll tell you that much.
[Hammond:] All right, use it in a sentence.
[Ferrell:] As president, George W. Bush carried himself with great dignitude.
[Hammond:] That is not a word trust me.
[Stewart:] That is funny stuff. Farrell and Darrell Hammond are just tremendous with that stuff.
[King:] Before we go to some calls, what do you make of this new controversy already we have one.
[Stewart:] I'm ready.
[King:] Hillary Clinton, $8 million, Simon & Schuster, a book. Is that against...
[Stewart:] Are you serious?
[King:] Yes, she got the offer today and signed.
[Stewart:] OK, do you see, though, what this says to people?
[King:] What?
[Stewart:] Land deals in Arkansas, you make maybe $10,000. Write a book, $8 million. Clearly if they had known this before, this whole Whitewater thing never would have happened. She would have known. [Off-mike]
[King:] All right, in the Senate there are some upset because they're saying you shouldn't earn this kind of money. Remember when Newt made a lot of money off a book?
[Stewart:] No, I understand. Look, the Senate is they're mostly sharecroppers, very poor...
[King:] They're what?
[Stewart:] Sharecroppers, you know, poor people, peasants. Our Senate...
[King:] You insane?
[Stewart:] ... is made up of mostly so when someone like that has money, they don't like it because it's too much flash and dash. You know, guys like John Warner, you know, poor folk. They hate to see somebody flashing the money around like that. You know how it is.
[King:] How do you think she's going to do in the Senate?
[Stewart:] Oh, I think they're going to try and deride her and block her out as much as they possibly can. But I truthfully don't know because quite frankly I don't know what the Senate does. I mean, I know, I've seen it on "Grammar Rock": "I'm just a bill, sitting on Capitol Hill," the whole thing. But I don't know do you know what they do?
[King:] Yes, they meet, they have bills, they vote, they pass laws, they legislate.
[Stewart:] What laws? What legislation?.
[King:] They passed all the rules of law.
[Stewart:] Thank you. But all I'm saying is they don't really do anything, so I don't think she's going to have that tough a time.
[King:] Williamsburg, Virginia for Jon Stewart hello.
[Stewart:] That's where I went to school.
[Caller:] Yes, good evening, Larry. I have a question for Jon. Jon...
[Stewart:] That's J.D. Is that John Daley?
[Caller:] Yes, it is.
[Stewart:] John Daley, that's my old soccer coach.
[Caller:] So you know it's going to be a good question.
[Stewart:] He's in a league by the way and I don't mind saying this on national TV illegal immigrant, should be deported.
[Caller:] Not anymore. Jon, don't you think it's time that we invited the British back in to teach you how to say aluminum and spell aluminum, teach you how to play real football and for the general election.
[Stewart:] Absolutely. That's an excellent point.
[King:] Bring the British back what do you think?
[Stewart:] That's an excellent point. Look, the British are they're a people that deserve the empire that they lost.
[King:] Really.
[Stewart:] They're a tiny county. Well they've got nothing left. It's sad. They're pale, they have terrible food, they sit, the queen mum is, what, 108 now? They've got nowhere to turn. We need I think we should go back to them with a proposition: We'll be your acolytes once again. I feel bad for Britain.
[King:] You want a king?
[Stewart:] I wouldn't mind a king. I wouldn't mind a king and a queen and good punk music.
[King:] Minneapolis, hello.
[Caller:] Hi, Larry. How are you doing?
[King:] Hi.
[Caller:] My question for Jon is, do you think that the American public believes comedians more than traditional media when it comes to deciding what politics and politicians are really all about?
[King:] Good question.
[Stewart:] I would hope not. I don't know...
[King:] You guys are dumb, right?
[Stewart:] Yes, I mean, we're not trying to make a point, we're just goofing off. So...
[King:] Yes, but you do hit a lot of points. In not trying, you do hit a lot of points.
[Stewart:] Right. But the key thing you said there was not trying. That would be the key. I mean, I nobody comedy is mostly reactive, so it's hard you can't really make jokes about things if nobody understands the references to what I'm saying.
[King:] Does a comedian like the fact that he's going to have Governor Bush? Is that going to be fodder? You like that word?
[Stewart:] Well comedians I mean, yes, we love fodder, but if Bea Arthur was president that would be even funnier. Like, you know, it's not a question we had two choices: George Bush, Al Gore.
[King:] Yes, but I mean what kind of answer is that?
[Stewart:] We don't want tragedy, we want hypocrisy. Hypocrisy's a joy to pull the veneer off of. That's the fun for us. You know, a tragedy isn't. You know, no we're bratty, but we don't wish destruction upon the country. We're not anarchists.
[King:] What do you think Clinton's going to do Bill?
[Stewart:] I think he's going to spend some of that $8 million on hookers. Yes, honey, you stay up there and keep writing. I'll be down here. Nothing going no, that's not music you're hearing.
[King:] Orlando hello.
[Caller:] Hello.
[Stewart:] Is this Walt Disney?
[Caller:] Hi, Larry. Hi, Jon.
[Stewart:] Hi.
[Caller:] Why were you the only one reporting the news accurately?
[King:] You think he was the only one?
[Caller:] Yes, pretty much.
[Stewart:] I should ask for a raise. We just thought we were monkeys making jokes. I had no idea. We're just...
[King:] How long did you stay on election night?
[Stewart:] You know what it may be? We stayed on for an hour, and then I just called it.
[King:] That's all?
[Stewart:] Yes, I just called it at that point and then we left.
[King:] Wait a minute, I don't follow.
[Stewart:] We were having a rap party with quesadillas and stuff and I didn't want to miss it. So we left at 11:00.
[King:] Wait a minute, 11:00, called what, called a tie?
[Stewart:] No, no, no, we called it for Bush.
[King:] Wait a minute.
[Stewart:] We called it for Bush.
[King:] You left at 11:00 and called Bush the winner?
[Stewart:] Yes, and then left. You guys could have done the same thing. You would have saved yourself 36 days of pain. We called it for Bush, we went out, we had delicious quesadillas. They had guacamole was not tremendous, but the sour cream was fresh. And we ate and we danced and we partied and then we went back in the next day and Bush was president at Comedy Central. Look, the show before us is a little fat cartoon character that farts. I don't think I need to have anything right. Do I? The show before that is robots that beat each other up. Do I really need to have any mandate or dignity on my show?
[King:] I guess not. Do you like having Senator Dole?
[Stewart:] Senator Dole was tremendous.
[King:] Funny.
[Stewart:] And you know what was so nice about it is you got to see a side of him that he's always had a very dry wit, wonderful insight. And it was unfortunate for me to see him back in the more partisan role that he had to assume once the election controversy hit. Because I also think to a certain extent he enjoyed being able to speak his mind in that manner in a way that wasn't. Look, I think political parties I think you guys should never allow partisans on your shows anymore because it's we're carpet bombing the American people with rhetoric and propaganda. And we're not dumb.
[King:] That means no outspoken Democrats, no outspoken Republicans?
[Stewart:] Right, without somebody there with, like, a gong or something to pull them back.
[King:] Like "The Gong Show."
[Stewart:] Yes, or like you know what would be great what do they call them, those with electricity coming through them?
[King:] Shocks.
[Stewart:] Yes, on the testicles. And whenever they say...
[King:] On the testicles?
[Stewart:] Or however you want to do it. I just I watched "Rambo." That's how they did it there. But you don't have to do it that way.
[King:] So if a guy says something that's...
[Stewart:] Partisan.
[King:] Partisan.
[Stewart:] And propaganda...
[King:] The host holds the thing?
[Stewart:] ... that he clearly in his head doesn't believe, you should be able to hit the thing just and then they would have to talk real. Because they don't look, do we really think the Republicans thought that America needed closure on this? They thought a bad land deal on Arkansas was worth five years and $50 million. But the presidency, I think a month is enough people come on, it's not that important. You know, truth is good, but closure, you've got to have closure. You know, the hypocrisy on both sides. There's no doubt in my mind if this had been reversed...
[King:] Same thing.
[Stewart:] Same thing.
[King:] Both sides.
[Stewart:] So cop to it and let's move on and talk about something interesting. You guys are on for 24 hours a day.
[King:] Are you worried about Cheney's health?
[Stewart:] No, I'm not related to him. Why should I worry?
[King:] Well he's your vice president, he's a nice guy.
[Stewart:] Oh, yes no, I'm worried, because if somebody dies overseas I might have to go to the funeral. No, what am I worried about? The vice president might I mean, I hope for his sake and his family, I'm sure they love him very much.
[King:] You're not personally worried is what you're saying.
[Stewart:] I've never met the man.
[King:] He's a nice guy.
[Stewart:] I worry about my family and the heart attacks. We're Jews. We have goiters. I worry about that. But Cheney, I mean, I think he should take care of himself, because I do think he has a bit more insight into this whole process than, what's his name, Chuck E. Cheese, George W. Bush.
[King:] Chuck E. Cheese?
[Stewart:] I think it is you know, I think Dick Cheney there's definitely he's a guy who's kind of holding it together. So I would like him to stay in there for a while.
[King:] We'll be right back with Jon Stewart and more of your phone calls. Don't go away. [Begin Video Clip, "the Daily Show"]
[Sen.-elect Hillary Rodham Clinton , New York:] Sixty-two counties, 16 months, three debates, two opponents and six black pants suits later, because of you, here we are.
[Stewart:] Six black pants suits later? If you're wondering what happened to the first five black pants suits don't ask.
[Begin Video Clip, "the Late Show With David Letterman") David Letterman:] Here's Al Gore. This is a photograph taken of our vice president. This is one of this is the debate in St. Louis. October 17th. He looks all right there I mean, a little pink but he looks all right. This Al Gore, October 17, 2000. Here now is how our vice president looked yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, you tell me, is this taking a toll on the guy?
[King:] Cruel with Jon Stewart in Los Angeles hello.
[Caller:] Hi, Larry, I want to ask Jon if he sees a possible connection between Reagan as president cutting the school lunch program for the poor and those children growing up to be voting age too weak to punch in a chad?
[King:] Oh, what you fell asleep, Jon?
[Stewart:] What did he say? What happened? I think that's exactly right.
[King:] You do?
[Stewart:] And I'm surprised it hasn't come out before.
[King:] In other words, the people denied school lunch...
[Stewart:] I'll tell you what, that guy's holding a grudge. Anybody who's still talking about the school lunch program that Reagan cut, that's holding a grudge.
[King:] That's carrying a bit much you.
[Stewart:] The next question is going to be, do you think when Eisenhower didn't have any fuel economy on the cars that...
[King:] San Bernardino hello.
[Stewart:] San Berdu.
[Caller:] Yes...
[Stewart:] Oh, this is our seventh caller. Don't they want tickets to something?
[Caller:] Yes, Jon?
[King:] It's not a disk jockey show. Yes, go.
[Caller:] My question is, in political humor is there a line that you don't cross?
[Stewart:] Yes, and we cross it often. It's the unfunny line. And we're often in there.
[King:] What are where do you not cross?
[Stewart:] Well, I don't know that there's any dogma. I don't know there's any hard and fast rule. I mean, I assume that I mean, what we're trying to do, like I say...
[King:] I'll give you an example.
[Stewart:] Oh, boy. This is going to be...
[King:] No, no, a thing.
[Stewart:] Is this something like the Dukakis thing in the debates not my mother?
[King:] No, no, no, this is serious. There's nothing funny about the death of a Missouri governor.
[Stewart:] Absolutely.
[King:] Nothing funny.
[Stewart:] Nothing funny about Columbine. We did nothing funny on Columbine.
[King:] Nothing funny about Columbine. Nothing funny the day after Chappaquiddick about Chappaquiddick.
[Stewart:] You know what? I did not have a show at that time so I don't know, but I might have.
[King:] So death you might have done something?
[Stewart:] Death in itself is not...
[King:] Unfunny?
[Stewart:] ... untouchable. No, death is one of the I mean, anything that's rife with emotion I mean, have you ever been to a wake? Death is one of the funniest things in the world. and that's used to heal. I mean, my grandfather passed away maybe about four or five months ago. And whoever runs funerals must know what they're doing, because you walk in and you're in agony. And you go through the service and you walk out and you sit with your family and you have a pastrami sandwich. And suddenly, remember that time and you laugh. And that's part of that is not death in itself is not unfunny. But there are tragedies in which you shouldn't make light of. But there are no hard and fast rules, I don't think.
[King:] Is this East Hampton I'm sorry, I hit the wrong one. East Hampton, New York hello.
[Stewart:] Is this from Radio Shack? This is nice.
[King:] I don't know.
[Stewart:] I've got to get me one of them.
[King:] East Hampton hello.
[Caller:] Hello, Larry. Hello, Jon.
[Stewart:] Nice to see you.
[Caller:] It's nice to see you, too. I have a question for you, Jon. I was wondering, are you going to miss Al Gore not being on the political scene anymore?
[Stewart:] I never really had a chance to form the attachment to Al Gore that I should have. And while I won't miss him, I'm hoping that we still keep in touch, pen pals, that sort of thing. What do you think is he going to go back to Tennessee? Do you think he moves back to his home state where he lost, or do you think he moves into a state where he didn't lose?
[King:] There are rumors the presidency of Harvard, his alma mater.
[Stewart:] Really?
[King:] Yes.
[Stewart:] See, that's not a bad gig. You know, when I got canceled on my talk show, I would have loved to have been president of Harvard. That's a great fallback. 1
[King:] Why didn't you apply?
[Stewart:] They have standards apparently. But you know what? I think if we re-look at my thing, SATs-wise, a lot of chads I didn't punch out completely that should have been. I think I could have had 1600 on that.
[King:] So you could have been.
[Stewart:] We couldn't count, though, because I missed the deadline, December 12. December 12 is the deadline for almost anything now can't go past that. I wanted safe harbor. Don't we all? Don't you want safe harbor? So many words, so many things that came out of this that we had no idea about.
[King:] I'll bet you'd like to be an elector.
[Stewart:] I would love I was coming in on the radio, they were talking about the panic situation, that three electors could defect.
[King:] And if they do...
[Stewart:] And if they do, that's it. We're done. Gore's the president, as though we're literally just lemmings. Like, well, OK, let me give you another scenario. What if 538 electors defect and it is Bea Arthur? Oh, my god. Are we stuck with her? Like, how ridiculous is this? Whatever happened to common sense, Larry? By the way, did you know I'm wearing suspenders underneath my sweater?
[King:] That's a little weird, isn't it? By the way, why are you hung up on this Bea Arthur thing?
[Stewart:] The funniest name I could think of.
[King:] We'll be back...
[Stewart:] You want to go with Ed Asner? What do you want to go with?
[King:] Bea Arthur's funnier a funnier name.for.
[Stewart:] I knew that. And you're a pro, and I defer to you.
[King:] We'll be back with more Jon Stewart. Don't go away. [Begin Video Clip, "the Tonight Show With Jay Leno"]
[Jay Leno:] You can't read the arrow? It's got your guy's name and an arrow. You can't follow that along? People used to be ashamed to be stupid. Now it gets you on TV. And people oh, the ballot. It's too hard. Did you see the ballot? How hard it can't be any harder than bingo. That's what those people do down there, right? They play bingo all day. I mean, oh, OK, so you're hitting Al Gore instead of B9. How hard is that?
[Begin Video Clip, "saturday Night Live") Hammond:] Americans still do not know who their next president will be. And until the votes in Florida are truly counted, we will never know. Is it me? Is it Governor Bush? Or is it Ralph Nader? Or is it Socialist Workers Party candidate David McReynolds? We will simply never know.
[Stewart:] That's who that's the loser of this election is Darrell Hammond, who works a year to perfect a beautiful Gore imitation. And when's he going to get to use it again.
[King:] What did you make of Lieberman? Did he carry the mantle of your people.
[Stewart:] I'm glad he didn't do anything dumb. First Jew to be vice president, we had to be very careful with that because, you know, he's carrying the mantle.
[King:] That's right. Were you worried?
[Stewart:] Yes, imagine he misspells potato. Suddenly, all the years of Jews being shrewd and smart, down the drain. We're dumb. We can't spell potato. He was carrying our name. If tripped, oh, look how clumsy the Jews are. We can't have that.
[King:] What about Ralph Nader? What about him? He cost him the election, didn't he?
[Stewart:] No, Ralph Nader didn't cost him the election. That's a hypothetical that is the conventional wisdom is Ralph Nader cost Al Gore the election. Ralph Nader was just another candidate for president just like Buchanan was on ticket, just like Hagelin. Ralph Nader just got a lot of votes from people who were disturbed. What happened was the Green Party got lazy. The Green Party got soft. They forget what it was like to live under Reagan and Bush for 12 years, and they took for granted that even though it was a moderate Democrat in the White House, it was still a Democrat, and so what they thought was they did what the religious right does. What about us? Come on, what about they should never cut down trees. They went out with their whole agenda, you know, paper, plastic, no paper. And they went out with the whole thing and they'll now get their comeuppance and they'll be in administration that will literally probably write you a ticket for not having smoke coming out of your exhaust pipe. That'll come over to you when you are smoking and go, you know, you can throw that on the ground.
[King:] We'll be back with our remaining moments with Jon Stewart. We'll put a wrap on all this and since he accurately forecasts the election at 11:00 p.m. on November 7th, we'll ask him to forecast some of the Cabinet right after this.
[Stewart:] The Electoral College vote has changed somewhat dramatically recently. Right now, it's G.W. Bush 217; Gore 173. The reason for that is Florida which had been in Al Gore's column has now been reassessed and is now considered too close to call. Apparently a lot of people had been at the what's the called early bird specials and had then oftentimes when too many people take up the handicap spaces near the booths, it's very difficult for other voters to get in there.
[King:] Before the predictions, a call day from Crestview, Florida. Hello.
[Caller:] Hi.
[King:] Hi.
[Caller:] Hi, Jon.
[Stewart:] Hello.
[Caller:] I'm, like, one your really big fans.
[Stewart:] Thank you very much. I've heard I'm huge in Crestview.
[Caller:] I know.
[King:] What's your question?
[Caller:] Everyone talks about you at school.
[King:] At school. I don't want to get into that. What's your question.
[Caller:] I was wondering, is it hard to make political jokes and not be on, like, either side?
[King:] You can't be for either side.
[Stewart:] No, that's not true I mean I think you most people can't hide their political.
[King:] I think you're a Democrat, Jon.
[Stewart:] I think that's probably correct. I think I would say I'm more of a socialist or an independent but, yes, I mean, no one would ever I think watching our show think that, boy, that guy is just leaning so far right.
[King:] But you would knock the Democrats...
[Stewart:] Oh, sure.
[King:] .. when a prime opportunity occurred.
[Stewart:] Oh, yes.
[King:] Like Mark Twain, humor comes first.
[Stewart:] No, I always you know me. I've got the Mark Twain thing. What did he say?
[King:] Humor comes first.
[Stewart:] Humor comes first, and I have that. I never met a man I didn't like that wasn't him, was it?
[King:] He said that. You didn't believe that, did you?
[Stewart:] No, I didn't. But yes, clearly. I mean, your personal prejudices always get involved in the job.
[King:] Predictions for the Cabinet.
[Stewart:] All right, here we go. Colin Powell is going to be secretary of state.
[King:] The man is amazing.
[Stewart:] Henry Kissinger, secretary defense.
[King:] Amazing.
[Stewart:] Moondoggy's going to be in charge of getting the ladies.
[King:] Moondoggy.
[Stewart:] Snoocher's got a car, so he's going to have to be in charge of getting the beer. I'm going to say, Boo-boo plays drums.
[King:] Boo-boo Bea Arthur.
[Stewart:] Bea Arthur is going to be asked secretary of the interior Rue McClanahan will accept.
[King:] Takes it, will accept.
[Stewart:] A lot of the "Golden Girls" are going to be in the Cabinet this time. You're going to be surprised when it comes. You're going to come to me and Secretary Getty Estelle, and you're going to be surprised.
[King:] What about Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Republican? Should he be...
[Stewart:] Schwarzenegger is now going to be considered our secret weapon and we will after watching his performance in "Terminator," like if we had another problem with Yugoslavia, we're just sending him in alone.
[King:] Alone.
[Stewart:] Alone, and he's just going to do one of those things where he blows up the country then turns to Kostunica and goes, I'll be back. That's our new foreign policy. No more putting our troops on the line. It's all about "Rambo." It's all about Schwarzenegger.
[King:] Are you anxiously awaiting the new...
[Stewart:] No.
[King:] You're not?
[Stewart:] Yes, I am because I'm a concerned American with the rule of law and judicial activism and I don't think that our country can take another constitutional crisis.
[King:] And so, as your final remark as our pundit of the nigh,t your overview of the election, your final...
[Stewart:] Here's my final remark Hal Bruno left this chair warm and I appreciate that. And you tell him I said so.
[King:] You like him, don't you.
[Stewart:] I just he's got the best face I've ever seen.
[King:] Hal Bruno.
[Stewart:] Hal Bruno has the most wonderful face and Schlessinger is a prince. I loved listening to him. Those are the guys that should always be on this show, and not the crazy...
[King:] You don't like the...
[Stewart:] I don't like the partisanship because the country is not that way. They keep saying, this country has to heal the partisan divide. We don't have a problem. All we did is go out and vote. You guys have the problem. Leave us out of it.
[King:] Thank you, as always, Jon.
[Stewart:] Seriously? Do I get a T-shirt or no?
[King:] Oh, you complained about that. You give away things.
[Stewart:] Do you have T-shirts?
[King:] What do you give way on your show?
[Stewart:] Hats.
[King:] Hats.
[Stewart:] We have very low-level guests. They're happy to get anything.
[King:] You give them a hat.
[Stewart:] Yes.
[King:] We don't give gifts.
[Stewart:] Do I get a mug?
[King:] No mug.
[Stewart:] I flew out here.
[King:] We paid for the flight.
[Stewart:] Is that true?
[King:] You didn't we pay for the flight?
[Stewart:] I really should call somebody because I don't if I had known that, I wouldn't have gone steerage.
[King:] We didn't pay for the flight.
[Stewart:] Fine.
[King:] OK, you went steerage.
[Stewart:] It's OK. I don't mind being in there with the Rottweilers and whoever else is down there. That's fine.
[King:] Jeff Greenfield is next. Tomorrow night, Colin Powell. Monday night, Katie Couric. Thanks for joining us. From Los Angeles, good night.