I believe most theories about the stress and strain dealing with young people of all ages—especially adolescents—have focused incorrectly on such factors as physical changes, emerging sexuality, new social pressures, and struggles between being a child and an adult.
This period is often difficult for both young people and parents. As young people grow, conflicts arise. A prime reason is that the young want to become independent, but adults continue to exert authority with coercion and expect obedience. Attempts at continual control so often lead to counterwill—the natural human tendency to resist being controlled. This leads to power struggles, which lead to even more resistance, reluctance, resentment, and even rebellion.
Parents assume that rebellion is inevitably a function of development. I believe the real reason is that these young people become more able to resist parental power. The typical youth behaves as he/she does from having acquired enough strength and resources to satisfy one’s own desires and has attained enough power to no longer fear the power of parents.
Regardless of age, young people do not rebel against parents; they rebel against the power parents attempt to use on them.
If parents were to rely less on power and more on noncoercive types of influence from infancy on, there would be little left for the young to rebel against.
When we learn how to use authority without coercion, power struggles do not arise. The use of power and coercion to affect change in the young (really, in any person) has severe limitations. These limitations with the young often come before parents realize the power struggles they have created.
Tip: Resist telling, and maintain a mindset of sharing and asking questions to influence rather than to control.
Ninaamini nadharia nyingi kuhusu mkazo na mkazo unaoshughulika na vijana wa umri wote - haswa vijana - zimezingatia vibaya mambo kama mabadiliko ya kimwili, ngono inayoibuka, shinikizo jipya la kijamii, na mapambano kati ya kuwa mtoto na mtu mzima. Mara nyingi kipindi hicho ni kigumu kwa vijana na wazazi pia. Vijana wanapokua, migogoro hutokea. Sababu kuu ni kwamba vijana wanataka kuwa huru, lakini watu wazima wanaendelea kutumia mamlaka kwa kulazimisha na kutarajia utii. Jaribio la kudhibiti daima mara nyingi husababisha kutokubali - mwelekeo wa asili wa kibinadamu wa kupinga kudhibitiwa. Hilo husababisha mapambano ya kupata mamlaka, ambayo husababisha upinzani zaidi, kukataa, chuki, na hata uasi. Wazazi hufikiri kwamba uasi ni sehemu ya ukuzi. Naamini sababu ya kweli ni kwamba vijana hawa wanakuwa na uwezo zaidi wa kupinga nguvu za wazazi. Kijana wa kawaida hujiendesha kama yeye anavyofanya kutokana na kupata nguvu na rasilimali za kutosha kuridhisha tamaa za mtu mwenyewe na amepata nguvu ya kutosha kutoogopa tena nguvu ya wazazi. Bila kujali umri, vijana hawaasi dhidi ya wazazi; wanaasi dhidi ya nguvu wazazi wanajaribu kutumia juu yao. Ikiwa wazazi wangegemea kidogo nguvu na zaidi juu ya aina zisizo za kulazimisha kutoka utotoni, kungekuwa na kidogo kushoto kwa vijana kupinga. Tunapojifunza jinsi ya kutumia mamlaka bila kulazimisha, mapambano ya mamlaka hayatokei. Matumizi ya nguvu na kulazimisha kuathiri mabadiliko katika vijana (kwa kweli, katika mtu yeyote) ina mipaka kali. Mara nyingi vizuizi hivyo kwa vijana hutokea kabla ya wazazi kutambua mapambano ya mamlaka ambayo wameanzisha. Kumbuka: Usiwe na wasiwasi na kuwasiliana na wengine na kuuliza maswali ili kuathiri badala ya kudhibiti.