Changing negative thoughts is the fourth step in how to heal from abuse. My three past blogs examined the importance of naming abuse, identifying partners’ domination beliefs, and centering practices.
Noticing and adjusting your thoughts is an important mental health skill for everyone. Knowing how the brain works provides a good foundation, but don’t worry, this is not going to become really technical.
Understanding How Brains Work
Changing negative thoughts starts with knowing some information about the brain. Such knowledge helps you realize why you respond the way you do when you receive a nasty text or have other traumatic interactions. This realization blocks shame about your reactions, and instead helps you make empowering choices going forward.
The left hemisphere is the logical part of the brain, It engages in problem solving, reading, writing, planning, learning, and remembering.
The right hemisphere is the creative and intuitive part of the brain. Besides creating, it processes our environment, others’ tone of voice and facial and body cues, and our emotional reactions to them. This emotional part of the brain allows us to react and protect ourselves when needed.
The bridge between the two hemispheres passes messages back and forth. Most of the time this bridge is open, and we can operate logically, intuitively, creatively, and emotionally at the same time. However, this connection closes when we feel stressed or in danger.
Last is a messenger part of the brain. It monitors the messages between the two hemispheres and shuts down the communication between them when we feel stressed. This enables quick reactions, such as fight, flight, and freeze, but it reduces our ability for clear and logical thinking.
All four parts of the brain provide important services. They work together to permit effective daily functioning and quick protection.
An Example of Trauma’s Effect on the Brain
My last blog, Partners’ Domination Beliefs, recognized that stress reactions are a normal response to trauma. Now that we reviewed how the brain works, you can see why your brain shifts to protective or survival mode whenever you perceive physical or emotional danger. Here is an example.
Sandy and Morgan are involved in a contentious custody battle because of Morgan’s emotional and occasional physical abuse. Sandy fears Morgan’s violent reactions and their effect on the children.
Morgan accuses Sandy of trying to alienate the children when she says no to changing weekends at the last moment. When Morgan reacts with verbal abuse and threats through dozens of texts, Sandy feels anxiety and fear because of their previous history.
Episodes like this occur weekly. Sandy sometimes experiences panic symptoms, with a surging heart rate and shortness of breath. This leads her to avoid looking at emails or texts, which recently led to a reprimand by the family court counselor in their case. Other times, Sandy responds with outrage about Morgan’s continuing abuse, and reacts by also using name-calling and threats. Sandy wants to find ways to protect herself that she can feel good about.
Brain science tells us that Sandy’s pathway between the logical and emotional brain closes when Morgan gets scary. The messenger brain is doing its job of protecting from perceived threat. When Sandy shuts down and avoids, her brain is reacting with freeze and flight mode. If Sandy uses verbal abuse, the brain is reacting with fight mode. Sandy does not have access to her logical brain during these episodes.
Fortunately, you can learn how to regain access to the logical brain so you can respond in effective and empowering ways, instead of reacting in ways that limit your power.
First, Use Centering to Reset the Brain
It is impossible to think clearly when we feel strong emotions such as anger, fear, or anxiety. That adage, “take a deep breath before responding” is quite wise. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, we want to defend ourselves. Yes, sometimes we go down the rabbit hole of reacting or shutting down before we remember to use new tools.
The good news is that practice forms new habits so don’t give up. Look back at the handout from Centering to find suggestions. Using self-care allows your brain to calm and reset. It permits you to respond instead of reacting through the emotional side of the brain. If appropriate, you can also ask someone supportive to brainstorm with you ways to respond.
Reacting is only helpful when there is immediate danger, like a car pulling out in front of you. We want quick reactions then. However, reacting does not help when you are triggered by an abusive person. In many cases, it plays into their hands, making you look bad. This may lead to you feeling terrible about yourself. If this has been the case, stop, reset, take responsibility for what you want to change, and read on.
Second, Evaluate Thoughts
Changing negative thoughts becomes possible after resetting the brain. This involves noticing your thoughts and evaluating whether they are helpful. The handout this month is Self-defeating and Self-enhancing Thoughts. Its purpose is to help you catch unhelpful thoughts that keep you dis-empowered. By switching to self-empowering thoughts, it builds your belief and trust in your ability to handle stressful situations.
We often behave as if our thoughts are always true. We have many thoughts during a day, some of them true and rational. Others may be false and self-defeating. Their roots often come from misperceptions or buying into your partner or others’ criticisms, such as:
“You’re selfish and only think about yourself.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re stupid and aren’t capable of taking care of yourself (and your children).”
“You’ll never find someone else to love you.”
“You’ll never get away from me.”
These are examples of thoughts that can paralyze you. Whether these come from your partner’s verbal abuse or something you’ve always believed, changing negative thoughts will release you from what holds you back. The handout encourages you to switch to realistic, positive thoughts.
Learning to dispute self-defeating thoughts and not see them as always true will empower you to resist an abusive partner’s drama. Instead of being sucked into reacting and defending, you maintain your viewpoint in a calm manner. Gaining tools for managing your stress reactions results in feeling stronger and more in control of yourself. The coercive person will probably continue dominating tactics but will lose control of how you feel about yourself.
You may feel so beaten down that you have trouble believing work on your thinking will make a difference. Other possibilities are that you don’t think the self-enhancing thoughts are true, or you have trouble developing them. If any of these occur, seek a therapist who can support this work. Trauma has biological and emotional effects that often benefit from therapy. No shame about this; you’d go to a doctor for a physical injury, wouldn’t you?
Relatives and friends who reinforce abusive messages may be another roadblock. If they are abusive themselves, you might consider limiting your contact with them for now. Others may be used to your old ways but can adapt to changes you make. You will know the difference.
Change negative thinking and you’ll change your life.
Kubadili mawazo mabaya ni hatua ya nne katika jinsi ya kupona kutokana na unyanyasaji. Blogi zangu tatu zilizopita zilichunguza umuhimu wa kutaja unyanyasaji, kutambua imani za udhibiti wa washirika, na mazoea ya kuelekeza. Kujua na kurekebisha mawazo yako ni ujuzi muhimu wa afya ya akili kwa kila mtu. Kujua jinsi ubongo unavyofanya kazi hutoa msingi mzuri, lakini usijali, hii haitakuwa ya kiufundi sana. Kuelewa Jinsi Ubongo Unavyofanya Kazi Kubadili mawazo mabaya huanza kwa kujua habari fulani kuhusu ubongo. Ujuzi huo unakusaidia kutambua ni kwa nini unaitikia kwa njia unayoitikia unapopokea ujumbe mbaya au unapokuwa na mahusiano mengine yenye kuhuzunisha. Ujuzi huu huzuia aibu kuhusu athari zako, na badala yake hukusaidia kufanya chaguzi za kuwezesha kwenda mbele. Sehemu ya kushoto ya ubongo ni sehemu ya akili inayofanya kazi ya kuamua, kusoma, kuandika, kupanga, kujifunza, na kukumbuka. Sehemu ya ubongo ya kulia ni sehemu ya ubongo yenye ubunifu na ya ufahamu. Mbali na kuunda, inachanganya mazingira yetu, sauti ya wengine na ishara za uso na mwili, na athari zetu za kihisia-moyo kwao. Sehemu hii ya ubongo ya hisia hutusaidia kuitikia na kujilinda tunapohitaji. Daraja kati ya hemispheres mbili hupitisha ujumbe mbele na nyuma. Mara nyingi daraja hilo huwa wazi, na tunaweza kufanya kazi kwa njia ya kiakili, ya kiakili, ya ubunifu, na ya kihisia-moyo wakati huohuo. Hata hivyo, uhusiano huo hufifia tunapokuwa na mfadhaiko au tunapokuwa hatarini. Sehemu ya mwisho ni sehemu ya ujumbe ya ubongo. Hufanya kazi ya kuunganisha ujumbe kati ya hemispheres mbili na kuzuia mawasiliano kati yao wakati tunapokuwa na mkazo. Hii inaruhusu majibu ya haraka, kama vile kupigana, kukimbia, na kuzima, lakini hupunguza uwezo wetu wa kufikiri wazi na kwa mantiki. Sehemu zote nne za ubongo hutoa huduma muhimu. Wao kufanya kazi pamoja ili kuruhusu utendaji wa kila siku na ulinzi wa haraka. Mfano wa Athari za Mshtuko wa Akili Blogu yangu ya mwisho, Imani za Utawala wa Washirika, ilitambua kwamba athari za mkazo ni majibu ya kawaida kwa mshtuko wa akili. Sasa kwa kuwa tumekagua jinsi ubongo unavyofanya kazi, unaweza kuona kwa nini ubongo wako hubadilika kuwa hali ya ulinzi au ya kuishi wakati wowote unapogundua hatari ya kimwili au kihisia. Hapa kuna mfano. Sandy na Morgan wanahusika katika vita vya utunzaji wa utunzaji kwa sababu ya unyanyasaji wa kihisia na wa kimwili wa mara kwa mara wa Morgan. Sandy anaogopa athari za vurugu za Morgan na athari zao kwa watoto. Morgan anamshtaki Sandy kwa kujaribu kuwafukuza watoto wakati anaposema hapana kwa kubadilisha miisho-juma wakati wa mwisho. Morgan anapomshambulia na kumtisha kupitia ujumbe wa maandishi, Sandy anahisi wasiwasi na hofu kwa sababu ya historia yao ya zamani. Matukio kama haya hutukia kila juma. Nyakati nyingine Sandy hupatwa na dalili za hofu, pamoja na mwendo wa moyo unaozidi kuongezeka na kukosa pumzi. Hii inamuongoza kuepuka kuangalia barua pepe au maandishi, ambayo hivi karibuni ilisababisha kukemea na mshauri wa mahakama ya familia katika kesi yao. Nyakati nyingine, Sandy anajibu kwa hasira juu ya unyanyasaji wa Morgan unaoendelea, na anajibu kwa kutumia pia majina na vitisho. Sandy anataka kutafuta njia za kujilinda ambazo anaweza kuhisi vizuri. Sayansi ya ubongo inatuambia kwamba njia ya Sandy kati ya ubongo wa kimantiki na kihisia hufungwa wakati Morgan anapokuwa na hofu. Ubongo wa mjumbe unafanya kazi yake ya kulinda dhidi ya tisho linalotambuliwa. Wakati Sandy anajifunga na kuepuka, ubongo wake unaitikia kwa hali ya kuzima na kukimbia. Ikiwa Sandy hutumia matusi ya maneno, ubongo unaitikia kwa njia ya kupigana. Sandy hana upatikanaji wa ubongo wake wa mantiki wakati wa vipindi hivi. Kwa bahati nzuri, unaweza kujifunza jinsi ya kupata tena ufikiaji wa ubongo wa mantiki ili uweze kujibu kwa njia bora na zenye nguvu, badala ya kujibu kwa njia zinazopunguza nguvu zako. "Kwanza, tumia ""Kukaza"" ili kurekebisha ubongo: Ni vigumu kufikiri kwa uwazi tunapokuwa na hisia kali kama vile hasira, hofu, au wasiwasi." Mithali hiyo, "kupumua kwa kina kabla ya kujibu" ni yenye hekima sana. Ndiyo, ni vigumu. Ndiyo, tunataka kujilinda. Wakati mwingine tunashuka shimo la sungura la kujibu au kuzima kabla hatujumbui kutumia zana mpya. Habari njema ni kwamba mazoezi hufanyiza mazoea mapya kwa hiyo usikate tamaa. Angalia tena handout kutoka Centering kupata mapendekezo. Kujitunza kunaruhusu ubongo wako utulie na kurejeshwa. Inakuwezesha kujibu badala ya kuitikia kupitia upande wa kihisia-moyo wa ubongo. Ikiwa inafaa, unaweza pia kumwomba mtu anayeunga mkono akuzungumze nawe juu ya njia za kujibu. Kuitikia ni muhimu tu wakati kuna hatari ya papo hapo, kama gari linaloondoka mbele yako. Tunataka athari za haraka wakati huo. Hata hivyo, kukabiliana na hali hiyo hakusaidii unapokabiliwa na mtu anayekudhulumu. Katika visa vingi, hilo huwafanya waone kwamba wewe si mtu mwema. Hilo laweza kukusababisha ujisikie vibaya sana. Ikiwa ndivyo ilivyo, acha, fanya upya, chukua daraka la kile unachotaka kubadilisha, na uendelee kusoma. Pili, Tathmini Mawazo Kubadilisha mawazo hasi inakuwa inawezekana baada ya kuweka upya ubongo. Hilo latia ndani kuchunguza mawazo yako na kuchunguza ikiwa yanasaidia. Kipande cha mwezi huu ni Mawazo ya Kujishinda na Kujiongezea. Kusudi lake ni kukusaidia kukamata mawazo yasiyofaa ambayo yanakufanya usiwe na nguvu. Kwa kubadilisha mawazo ya kujisaidia, hujenga imani na uaminifu katika uwezo wako wa kushughulikia hali za mkazo. Mara nyingi sisi hujiendesha kana kwamba mawazo yetu ni ya kweli sikuzote. Tuna mawazo mengi wakati wa siku, baadhi yao ni ya kweli na yenye busara. Nyingine zaweza kuwa za uwongo na zenye kudhuru. "Mazazi yao mara nyingi hutoka kwa maoni mabaya au kununua katika mpenzi wako au wengine, kama vile: ""Wewe ni ubinafsi na unafikiria tu juu yako mwenyewe."" ""Hujui unachokizungumza."" ""Wewe ni mpumbavu na huwezi kujitunza mwenyewe (na watoto wako"). ""Hutapata mtu mwingine wa kukupenda.""""Hutaweza kamwe kutoka kwangu.""" Ikiwa hizi zinatokana na unyanyasaji wa mdomo wa mwenzi wako au kitu ambacho umekuwa ukidhani kila wakati, kubadilisha mawazo hasi kutakuweka huru kutoka kwa kile kinachokuzuia. Karatasi hiyo inakutia moyo ubadilike na kuwa na mawazo yenye kutegemeka na yenye kutegemeka. Kujifunza kupinga mawazo yenye kujishambulia na kutoyaona kuwa ya kweli sikuzote kutakuwezesha kukinza drama ya mwenzi mwenye unyanyasaji. Badala ya kuvutiwa na kukabiliana na hali hiyo na kujilinda, unadumisha maoni yako kwa utulivu. Kupata zana za kusimamia athari zako za mkazo kunakufanya uhisi kuwa na nguvu zaidi na kujidhibiti zaidi. Mtu wa kulazimisha labda ataendelea kudhibiti mbinu lakini atapoteza udhibiti wa jinsi unavyojisikia juu yako mwenyewe. Unaweza kuhisi umeshindwa sana hivi kwamba una shida kuamini kwamba kufanya kazi juu ya kufikiri kwako kutakuwa na tofauti. Uwezekano mwingine ni kwamba hufikiri mawazo ya kujiongezea ni ya kweli, au una shida kuyaendeleza. Ikiwa yoyote ya mambo hayo yatatokea, tafuta mtaalamu wa kitiba anayeweza kusaidia katika kazi hiyo. Mshtuko wa kihisia-moyo una athari za kibiolojia na za kihisia-moyo ambazo mara nyingi hufaidika kutokana na tiba. Hakuna aibu kuhusu hili; ungeenda kwa daktari kwa ajili ya jeraha la kimwili, sivyo? Watu wa ukoo na marafiki ambao huimarisha ujumbe wenye kuudhi waweza kuwa kizuizi kingine. Ikiwa wao pia ni wakali, huenda ukafikiria kupunguza mawasiliano yako nao kwa sasa. Huenda wengine wakazoea njia zako za zamani lakini wanaweza kuzoea mabadiliko unayofanya. Utaona tofauti. Badilisha mawazo mabaya na utabadilisha maisha yako.