The preschool years are a magical time for children. Imaginations soar because logic does not yet interfere with creativity. In other words, anything is possible. Parents can tap the imaginative capacity of children ages three to five to help them understand their adoption stories in ways they can’t yet articulate.
The Importance of Play
The most common themes of preschool play tend to be babies, birthdays, superheroes, and bad guys. Through these themes, children fulfill their need to be in control and have a sense of power; and they experiment with adult roles. Through play, children can take control of bad guys, determine outcomes of events, and even revisit their babyhoods.
When a child plays adoption games that don’t reflect the facts of his own adoption, parents may become concerned. In fact, through such games children often are merely working out feelings by rewriting the script.
Tall Tales About Life Before Adoption
Preschoolers are great tellers of tall tales — particularly when they are caught doing something wrong. They even believe their own tales. But explaining misdeeds isn’t the only use for tall tales; children tell such stories about any number of things. It’s not uncommon for children to make up stories about life before adoption with their birth parents or caretakers. In most cases, especially if your child was adopted near birth, the best approach is to nod and give an interested “Oh,” rather than debate accuracy. If the tale is about something that has recently happened, correct the child’s facts; if you are unsure of the facts, don’t worry about it.
When a three-year-old repeatedly asks the same questions about his adoption, parents sometimes worry that he is obsessed with adoption or that they, as parents, aren’t answering in a way he can understand. In fact, three-year-olds just like to ask questions over and over again, in part to see if they will get the same answer as before. But sometimes when a child repeats a question, it’s because he is thinking about the topic and wants to discuss it again, but doesn’t have the language ability to carry the conversation further. You’ll want to probe gently to find out which applies to your child.
Answers for “You’re Not My Real Mom!”
At about age four-and-a-half, temper tantrums may return, and kids’ imaginations can lead to fears of the dark, imaginary creatures, or strange noises. When children, in anger, say things like “I hate you,” “I wish you were dead,” or “You’re not my real mom or dad,” parents may overreact, interpreting such outbursts as rejection or as evidence that there is no attachment. But they are usually only expressions of frustration, not commentaries on the state of the parent/child relationship.
If you overreact to your child’s outbursts, you’ll turn them into “buttons” your child can push to coerce you into giving in to his wishes. The best approach is to deal with whatever triggered the anger. Statements such as “I know you are angry that…” recognize your child’s feelings without getting into whether the child has a “right” to feel that way.
Address “You’re not my real parent” at another time. If you feel you must to respond immediately, say something straightforward like, “You are my son. I know you are angry.” Whatever you do, don’t argue about whether or not you are the parent. By coping firmly with the issue at hand, you show that you are your child’s mother or father because you are being a parent.
Get the Story Straight Now
Three- to four-year-olds, particularly girls who know something about pregnancy, are apt to have questions about their origins, but may not always express them. Although it may seem simpler to delay adoption explanations until a later age, it is better to get the story straight now. Minimize any fears your child may have that she might have to leave you (just as she left the woman who gave birth to her) by explaining to her that adoption means she is your daughter and will live with you until she grows up. Let her know that even after she is a grownup, she will still be your daughter and you will see her often and love her as much as you do now.
Preschool girls tend to look actively for their birth mothers and are more likely than boys to approach strangers and ask, “Are you that other lady?” When this happens, parents sometimes fear that their children are seeking to replace them. In fact, what they seek is tangible evidence of the missing character in their story (the birth mother) and proof that they, too, were born, just like all the other children they know.
Talk About Your Child’s Birth
Many of us find it difficult to talk about our child’s birth. For any adoptive parent, it is far easier and more fun to talk about the child’s life since joining the family, because that is the part in which we share. Parents may need to create moments to talk with their children about their birth. Pregnancy — whether a friend’s or relative’s — provides a wonderful opportunity for opening such discussions. You’ll want to tell your child stories about her earliest life, beginning with her birth, even before she’s able to understand reproduction. Children who know nothing about the circumstances of their births may, in their concrete thinking, believe they came from an adoption agency, orphanage, or country, as opposed to having been born like all other children. You can help your child by assuring her that her birth was a miraculous and happy event.
Fears of Being Taken Away
A child may look for her birth mother and yet, at the same time, fear that her birth mother might take her away. Reinforcing through actions and words that your child belongs in your family will alleviate these fears. Showing your child photographs of the birth mother, having your child draw pictures of her, and giving the birth mother a name (using her first name if you know it, or making one up saying, “I don’t know her name, but let’s call her…”) will lessen the urge to search by offering some of the information your child is looking for.
Open Adoption: Who Are the “Real” Parents?
Even children in open adoptions may dream about a parent/child relationship with their birth parents. Adoptive parents and birth parents need to be clear in words and actions as to who are the “real” parents — the ones responsible for raising the child — and to differentiate them from the people who gave birth to, care about, and visit the child, but who are not active “parents.” Preschoolers who go on outings or day-long or overnight visits with birth parents are easily and understandably confused about the role these people play in their lives.
Is That My Birth Mother?
When preschoolers who were interracially or internationally adopted go to cultural gatherings where adults of their ethnic or racial heritage are present, they often imagine that their birth parents are there, waiting to take them back. Before the event, explain to your child that he will go with you and return home with you afterward. Tell him in advance that there will be a lot of people who look like him, but that they have families of their own and are not related to him. During the event, reassure your child by holding his hand or letting him sit on your lap. If your child asks if a certain person is his birth parent (and that person is not), say something like “No, she is (African-American, Korean, or whatever other ethnic or racial group) like you, but she isn’t related,” or “No, I think your birth mother is still in (fill in the country, city, or state), and that’s very far away.”
Adoption can raise many questions for parent and child alike, but most of all, it creates countless blessings for the entire family. Adoptive families flourish together, despite or perhaps because of the potential challenges. Supporting each other through periods of questioning and growth only strengthens our bonds.
This article is adapted from Real Parents, Real Children.
Miaka ya kabla ya shule ni wakati wenye kichawi kwa watoto. Mawazo huongezeka kwa sababu mantiki haizuii ubunifu. Kwa maneno mengine, chochote kinawezekana. Wazazi wanaweza kutumia uwezo wa kuwazia wa watoto wenye umri wa miaka mitatu hadi mitano kuwasaidia kuelewa hadithi zao za kupitishwa kwa njia ambazo hawawezi kueleza. Umuhimu wa Kucheza Mandhari za kawaida za kucheza za kabla ya shule huwa ni watoto wachanga, siku za kuzaliwa, mashujaa wakubwa, na watu wabaya. Kupitia mandhari hizi, watoto hutimiza haja yao ya kuwa na udhibiti na kuwa na hisia ya nguvu; na wao majaribio na majukumu ya watu wazima. Kupitia mchezo, watoto wanaweza kudhibiti watu wabaya, kuamua matokeo ya matukio, na hata kurudi kwenye utoto wao. Mtoto anapocheza michezo ya kupitishwa ambayo haionyeshi ukweli wa kupitishwa kwake mwenyewe, wazazi wanaweza kuwa na wasiwasi. Kwa kweli, kupitia michezo hiyo mara nyingi watoto huonyesha tu hisia zao kwa kuandika upya maandishi. Hadithi za Maisha Kabla ya Kupitishwa Watoto wa shule ya mapema ni waandishi wazuri wa hadithi ndefu - hasa wakati wanakamatwa wakifanya kitu kibaya. Hata huamini hadithi zao wenyewe. Lakini kueleza makosa si matumizi pekee ya hadithi ndefu; watoto husimulia hadithi kama hizo kuhusu mambo mengi. Si jambo lisilo la kawaida kwa watoto kutunga hadithi kuhusu maisha kabla ya kupitishwa na wazazi wao wa kuzaliwa au walezi. Katika visa vingi, hasa ikiwa mtoto wako alilelewa karibu na kuzaliwa, njia bora ni kunyoosha kichwa na kutoa <unk>Oh,<unk> ya kupendezwa badala ya kubishana juu ya usahihi. Ikiwa hadithi hiyo inahusu jambo ambalo limetokea hivi karibuni, rudisha ukweli wa mtoto; ikiwa huna uhakika kuhusu ukweli, usijali kuhusu hilo. Mtoto mwenye umri wa miaka mitatu anapokuwa akiuliza maswali yaleyale tena na tena kuhusu kuachiliwa kwake, nyakati nyingine wazazi huhofu kwamba mtoto huyo amevutiwa sana na kuachiliwa au kwamba wao, wakiwa wazazi, hatujibu kwa njia ambayo anaweza kuelewa. Watoto wa miaka mitatu wanapenda kuuliza maswali mara kwa mara ili kuona kama watapata jibu sawa. Lakini wakati mwingine wakati mtoto anarudia swali, ni kwa sababu yeye ni kufikiri juu ya mada na anataka kujadili tena, lakini hana uwezo wa lugha ya kuchukua mazungumzo zaidi. Utafanya uchunguzi kwa upole ili uone ni ipi inayomhusu mtoto wako. Majibu kwa <unk>Wewe si Mama Yangu wa Kweli!<unk> Karibu umri wa miaka minne na nusu, hasira zinaweza kurudi, na mawazo ya watoto yanaweza kusababisha hofu ya giza, viumbe wa kuwaziwa, au kelele za ajabu. "Wakati watoto, kwa hasira, wasema mambo kama ""Ninakuchukia,"" ""Ningependa ufe,"" au ""Huwezi kuwa mama au baba yangu halisi,"" wazazi wanaweza kukasirika, wakitafsiri milipuko hiyo kuwa kukataa au kama uthibitisho kwamba hakuna uhusiano wa karibu." Lakini kwa kawaida ni maonyesho tu ya kukata tamaa, si maelezo juu ya hali ya uhusiano wa mzazi na mtoto. Ikiwa unafanya mambo ya kupita kiasi kwa sababu ya hasira za mtoto wako, utazifanya kuwa "vifungo" ambavyo mtoto wako anaweza kukasukuma ili kukushawishi utii matakwa yake. Njia bora ni kushughulika na chochote kilichochochea hasira. Maneno kama vile "Ninajua wewe ni hasira kwamba... " kutambua hisia za mtoto wako bila kupata katika kama mtoto ana "haki" ya kujisikia njia hiyo. Anwani <unk>Wewe si mzazi wangu halisi<unk> wakati mwingine. Ikiwa unahisi kwamba unapaswa kujibu mara moja, sema jambo moja kwa moja kama, <unk>Wewe ni mwana wangu. Najua wewe ni hasira. <unk> Chochote kufanya, si ugomvi kuhusu kama au si wewe ni mzazi. Kwa kushughulikia suala hilo kwa uthabiti, unaonyesha kwamba wewe ni mama au baba ya mtoto wako kwa sababu wewe ni mzazi. Watoto wa miaka mitatu hadi minne, hasa wasichana ambao wanajua kitu kuhusu ujauzito, wana uwezekano wa kuwa na maswali kuhusu asili yao, lakini huenda wasiwaeleze sikuzote. Ingawa huenda ikaonekana kuwa rahisi kuchelewesha maelezo ya kupitishwa hadi umri wa baadaye, ni afadhali kupata hadithi moja kwa moja sasa. Punguza hofu ya mtoto wako kwamba anaweza kukuacha (kama vile alivyomwacha mwanamke aliyemzaa) kwa kumweleza kwamba kupitishwa kwa mtoto wako kunamaanisha kwamba yeye ni binti yako na ataishi na wewe mpaka atakapozeeka. Mweleze kwamba hata baada ya kukua, bado atakuwa binti yako na utamwona mara nyingi na kumpenda kama unavyofanya sasa. "Msichana wa shule ya mapema huwa na mwelekeo wa kutafuta mama zao wa kuzaliwa na ni uwezekano mkubwa kuliko wavulana kukaribia wageni na kuuliza, ""Je, wewe ni yule mwanamke mwingine?"" Wakati hii inatokea, wazazi wakati mwingine wanaogopa kwamba watoto wao wanatafuta kuchukua nafasi yao." Kwa kweli, wanachotafuta ni ushahidi halisi wa mhusika anayekosa katika hadithi yao (mama wa kuzaliwa) na uthibitisho kwamba wao pia walizaliwa, kama watoto wengine wote wanaowajua. Kuzaliwa kwa mtoto: Wengi wetu tunapata ugumu wa kuzungumza juu ya kuzaliwa kwa mtoto wetu. Kwa mzazi yeyote wa kambo, ni rahisi zaidi na ya kufurahisha zaidi kuzungumza juu ya maisha ya mtoto tangu kujiunga na familia, kwa sababu hiyo ni sehemu ambayo tunashiriki. Wazazi wanaweza kuwa na wakati wa kuzungumza na watoto wao kuhusu kuzaliwa kwao. Mimba - iwe ya rafiki au ya mtu wa ukoo - hutoa fursa nzuri sana ya kuanzisha mazungumzo hayo. Utataka kumwambia mtoto wako hadithi kuhusu maisha yake ya mapema, kuanzia na kuzaliwa kwake, hata kabla ya yeye kuwa na uwezo wa kuelewa uzazi. Watoto ambao hawajui chochote kuhusu hali ya kuzaliwa kwao wanaweza, katika mawazo yao halisi, kuamini kwamba walitoka kwa shirika la kupitishwa, makao ya yatima, au nchi, kinyume na kuzaliwa kama watoto wengine wote. Unaweza kumsaidia mtoto wako kwa kumhakikishia kwamba kuzaliwa kwake kulikuwa muujiza na tukio lenye furaha. Hofu ya Kuondolewa Mtoto anaweza kumtafuta mama yake wa kuzaliwa na bado, wakati huohuo, aogope kwamba mama yake wa kuzaliwa anaweza kumchukua. Kuimarisha kwa matendo na maneno kwamba mtoto wako ni wa familia yako kutapunguza hofu hizi. "Kuwonyesha mtoto picha za mama wa kuzaliwa, kumfanya mtoto wako amchore picha zake, na kumpa mama wa kuzaliwa jina (kutumia jina lake la kwanza ikiwa unajua, au kutengeneza moja ukisema, ""Sijui jina lake, lakini hebu tumwita...") itapunguza hamu ya kutafuta kwa kutoa baadhi ya habari ambayo mtoto wako anatafuta." Kupitishwa kwa Wenzi wa Ndoa: Wazazi wa "Kweli" Ni Nani? Hata watoto katika kupitishwa wazi inaweza ndoto kuhusu uhusiano mzazi-mtoto na wazazi wao wa kuzaliwa. Wazazi wa kambo na wazazi wa kuzaliwa wanapaswa kuwa wazi katika maneno na vitendo kuhusu ni nani wazazi wa kweli, wale wanaohusika na kulea mtoto, na kuwa tofauti na watu waliozaa, kutunza, na kutembelea mtoto, lakini ambao si wazazi wa kazi. Je, Huyu Ni Mama Yangu wa Kuzaliwa? Watoto wa shule ya mapema waliopokea utunzaji wa jamii au wa kimataifa wanapokwenda kwenye mikutano ya kitamaduni ambapo watu wazima wa asili yao ya kikabila au ya kikabila wanapatikana, mara nyingi wanafikiria kwamba wazazi wao wa kuzaliwa wako huko, wakisubiri kuwakaribisha. Kabla ya tukio hilo, mweleze mtoto wako kwamba ataenda pamoja nawe na kurudi nyumbani pamoja nawe baada ya tukio hilo. Mwambie mapema kwamba watakuwa wengi wanaomfanana, lakini wana familia zao wenyewe na hawana uhusiano wowote naye. Wakati wa tukio hilo, mfariji mtoto wako kwa kumshika mkono au kumruhusu aketi kwenye magoti yako. "Ikiwa mtoto wako anauliza kama mtu fulani ni mzazi wake wa kuzaliwa (na mtu huyo si), sema kitu kama ""Hapana, yeye ni (Mmarekani wa Kiafrika, Kikorea, au kikundi kingine chochote cha kikabila au kikabila) kama wewe, lakini yeye si jamaa,"" au ""Hapana, nadhani mama yako wa kuzaliwa bado yuko katika (jaza katika nchi, mji, au jimbo), na hiyo ni mbali sana.""" Familia zinazopokea watoto hufanikiwa pamoja, licha ya au labda kwa sababu ya magumu yanayoweza kutokea. Kutegemezana katika vipindi vya kuhoji na kukua huimarisha tu vifungo vyetu. Makala hii imebadilishwa kutoka kwa Wazazi wa Kweli, Watoto wa Kweli.