As summer begins to wind down, and the first day of school beckons in the near future, parents are purchasing clothes, notebooks and backpacks for the new school year.
But there are other important ways to prepare your child to return to school.
“There are several common pitfalls that can affect our kids deeply and quite easily,” says Malcolm Gauld, president of Hyde Schools and co-author, with his wife Laura, of the parenting book “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have.” “These pitfalls may be detrimental long-term, but they can also be avoided when emphasized and discussed openly.”
|HELPING HAND—Transitioning into the new school year can be difficult, but with some parental support you can keep your kids from falling.
According to the Gaulds, these pitfalls include:
1. Winning at any cost.
“Our culture has become preoccupied with achievement,” Laura Gauld says, referring to the increasing educational focus on grades, test scores and awards in our public schools. “These scores are external indicators that name winners at school at an early age. Kids know we have created an educational system that values their ability over their character. They are surrounded by signs that tell them that what they can DO is more important than who they ARE.”
“As a result, today’s kids are under tremendous pressure,” says Malcolm, “and that pressure leads many children to cheat.”
According to a recent study by the Josephson Institute, sixty-four percent of students cheated on a test in the past year and 38 percent did so two or more times, up from 60 percent and 35 percent in a 2006 survey. Thirty-six percent said they used the Internet to plagiarize an assignment, up from 33 percent in 2004.
Further, the study demonstrates that cheating is common among most types of students—boys, girls, athletes, smart kids, student leaders, even those with “strong religious beliefs.”
“We all want our kids to succeed,” says Laura. “However, parents need to make it clear that there are serious ramifications to ‘winning at any cost,’ including lack of character as well as lack of self-esteem.”
“Kids know when they have not earned their standing honorably,” Laura continues. “And it takes a major toll on their ability to develop confidence in life.”
According to the Gaulds, an environment that values only achievement can make it extremely easy for test scores and awards to lure good kids into a false sense of fulfillment.
“But this is not the genuine self-esteem that is earned through a learning process that includes mistakes and some hardship,” says Malcolm “In the end it can leave kids feeling empty.”
The Gaulds feel that the development of authentic self-esteem—and the greatest chance of true and meaningful success in life— rests on a foundation of principles and knowing that you have done your best with honest efforts.
Their advice to parents:
Communicate your values clearly to your children. What are your principles, as parents? What do you believe is right? Become familiar with your own beliefs, clarify them, and learn to communicate them to your child. If you as a parent have fallen off-track and are disconnected from what is good and right in life, find people and activities that can help you reconnect with solid principles.
“Parents of good kids tend to think they don’t need to say anything, but your children need to hear what you believe, loud and clear. Let them know what you believe, what you expect of them, and what you hope for them. In the end, what they will have is the choices they make. Their choices will define who they are, just as yours have.”
Share the value of a challenge. Help children realize that struggle, challenge and some failure are expected in life— even helpful.
“Parents know that some of our greatest lessons in life have come from our failures,” says Malcolm. “We want to shield our kids from failure. But some failure is necessary for personal growth and healthy development.”
Model daily character for your kids:
Generally, a parent is the first person a child sees after waking up in the morning and the last person before falling asleep, so know that you as the parent hold center stage in your child’s life. Your actions and words during those fleeting moments will have a lifelong impact on your child’s sense of right and wrong.
“This is where the rubber meets the road,” says Malcolm. “If you say you believe in honest efforts and then wince when your child gets a B, your child will know exactly where you stand. Support your child in their honest efforts.”
Another pitfall parents and their children can fall into is related to the first:
2. Overlooking What’s Really Going On
If parents also continue to use grades, the number of friends, sports awards, etc., as their gauge for determining the true state of their children’s character and emotional well being, they may never see the underlying truth of their child’s daily life and moral acumen.
Often parents look at their children’s achievements and think, ‘She’s doing very well. She’s getting all As, is a very accomplished athlete, and does amazing work with her art. She obviously doesn’t need help.’ “It takes a high level of awareness and fortitude,” Laura explains, “but parents need to look deeper too, beyond the report cards and external achievements they’re proud of, to discern what their kids are actually doing and feeling.”
To help parents stay on track, the Gaulds offer some simple tips:
a. Talk to your child about what’s happening. Look beneath the surface—for example, stress, fears, attitude, relationships, anxiety, sexuality, friends, teachers. These are concerns and challenges that will not appear on a report card, and they are important aspects and triggers in your child’s life.
b. Don’t wait for an overt problem.
“Sometimes, parents’ participation can be startled into action by a child’s sudden misdeed—for example, an honor student who is caught stealing,” says Laura.
Don’t wait for something to “happen” in your child’s life—something overt, morally wrong, unacceptable social behavior—to discuss moral choices, principles, and what kind of person your child is supposed to become.
“Do not assume that because your child is getting straight As that there is no need for your clear, direct parenting efforts and support,” Laura says. “Your children always need parenting.”
(For more information on the Gaulds, “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have” book, contact Mark Murrell at 312-315-6011 or 312-955-8128, by e-mail at mark@markinteractive; visit greatparenting101.com and hyde.edu.)
Wakati wa majira ya joto unapokaribia, wazazi wanatafuta nguo, vitabu na mikoba kwa ajili ya mwaka mpya wa shule. Lakini kuna njia nyingine muhimu za kumtayarisha mtoto wako kurudi shuleni. "Kuna baadhi ya mapungufu ya kawaida ambayo yanaweza kuathiri watoto wetu kwa undani na kwa urahisi, ""anasema Malcolm Gauld, rais wa shule ya Hyde na mwandishi mwenza, pamoja na mkewe Laura, wa kitabu cha uzazi ""The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have"" ""Pungufu hizi zinaweza kuwa mbaya kwa muda mrefu, lakini zinaweza pia kuepukwa wakati kusisitizwa na kujadiliwa waziwazi." Kulingana na Gaulds, mapungufu hayo yanatia ndani: 1. Kushinda kwa gharama yoyote. "Utamaduni wetu umekuwa na wasiwasi na mafanikio", Laura Gauld anasema, akirejelea kuongezeka kwa mwelekeo wa elimu kwenye alama, alama za mtihani na tuzo katika shule zetu za umma. <unk>Hizi alama ni viashiria vya nje ambavyo huita washindi shuleni katika umri wa mapema. Watoto wanajua tumeunda mfumo wa elimu ambao unathamini uwezo wao juu ya tabia yao. """Wanafunzi wengi wanafanya udanganyifu,"" anasema Malcolm, ""na udanganyifu huo unawafanya watoto wengi kudanganya.""" "Watu 36 waliripoti kwamba walitumia mtandao wa Intaneti ""kuchora"" kazi zao za shule, ikilinganishwa na asilimia 33 ya mwaka 2004." "Kwa kuongezea, utafiti huo unaonyesha kuwa udanganyifu ni wa kawaida miongoni mwa aina nyingi za wanafunzi - wavulana, wasichana, wanariadha, watoto wenye akili, viongozi wa wanafunzi, hata wale walio na imani kali za kidini. """ "Lakini, wazazi wanahitaji kueleza wazi kwamba kuna matokeo mabaya ya ""kushinda kwa gharama yoyote,"" ikiwa ni pamoja na ukosefu wa tabia na ukosefu wa kujithamini. ""Watoto wanajua wakati hawajafanya msimamo wao kwa heshima,"" Laura anaendelea." "Na inachukua gharama kubwa juu ya uwezo wao wa kuendeleza ujasiri katika maisha. ""Kulingana na Gaulds, mazingira ambayo inathamini tu mafanikio inaweza kufanya iwe rahisi sana kwa alama za mtihani na tuzo kuvutia watoto wazuri katika hisia bandia ya kutimiza." "Lakini hii si heshima ya kweli ya kibinafsi ambayo hupatikana kupitia mchakato wa kujifunza ambao unajumuisha makosa na shida, ""Malcolm anasema, ""Mwishowe inaweza kuwaacha watoto wakihisi tupu. ""The Gaulds wanahisi kwamba maendeleo ya heshima ya kweli ya kibinafsi na nafasi kubwa ya mafanikio ya kweli na yenye maana maishani hutegemea msingi wa kanuni na kujua kwamba umefanya bora yako na juhudi za uaminifu." Ushauri wao kwa wazazi: Waambie watoto wako maadili yako waziwazi. Ni kanuni gani za msingi ambazo wazazi wako wanayo? Unaamini nini ni haki? Jifunze kuhusu imani yako mwenyewe, uifanye iwe wazi, na ujifunze kuifundisha mtoto wako. Ikiwa wewe kama mzazi umepotoka na umeachana na kile kilicho nzuri na haki maishani, tafuta watu na shughuli ambazo zinaweza kukusaidia kuungana tena na kanuni thabiti. <unk> Wazazi wa watoto wazuri huwa na kufikiri hawana haja ya kusema chochote, lakini watoto wako wanahitaji kusikia kile unachoamini, kwa sauti kubwa na wazi. Waambie kile unachoamini, kile unachotarajia kutoka kwao, na kile unachotarajia kwa ajili yao. Mwishowe, watakuwa na uchaguzi wao wenyewe. Uchaguzi wao utafafanua wao ni nani, kama vile wako. <unk> Kushiriki thamani ya changamoto. Wasaidie watoto kutambua kwamba mapambano, changamoto na baadhi ya kushindwa ni inatarajiwa katika maisha <unk> hata kusaidia. <unk>Wazazi wanajua kwamba baadhi ya masomo yetu makubwa maishani yametokana na kushindwa kwetu,<unk> asema Malcolm. <unk>Tunataka kuwalinda watoto wetu wasishindwe. "Kama mfano wa tabia ya kila siku kwa watoto wako: Kwa ujumla, mzazi ni mtu wa kwanza mtoto anaona baada ya kuamka asubuhi na mtu wa mwisho kabla ya kulala, hivyo kujua kwamba wewe kama mzazi kushikilia hatua ya katikati katika maisha ya mtoto wako. """ Matendo na maneno yako katika nyakati hizo za muda mfupi yatakuwa na athari ya maisha yote juu ya hisia ya mtoto wako ya haki na makosa. "Hapa ndipo mpira unapokutana na barabara", anasema Malcolm. Ikiwa unasema unaamini katika jitihada za uaminifu na kisha unashtuka wakati mtoto wako anapata B, mtoto wako atajua hasa unasimama wapi. Msaidie mtoto wako katika jitihada zake za unyofu. <unk> Mtego mwingine ambao wazazi na watoto wao wanaweza kuanguka ni kuhusiana na wa kwanza: 2. Ikiwa wazazi pia wanaendelea kutumia alama, idadi ya marafiki, tuzo za michezo, nk, kama kipimo chao cha kuamua hali halisi ya tabia ya watoto wao na ustawi wa kihemko, wanaweza kamwe kuona ukweli wa msingi wa maisha ya kila siku ya mtoto wao na akili ya maadili. Mara nyingi wazazi huangalia mafanikio ya watoto wao na kufikiri, 'Yeye anafanya vizuri sana. Yeye ni kupata wote A, ni mwanariadha sana mafanikio, na hufanya kazi ya ajabu na sanaa yake. "Lakini wazazi wanahitaji kuangalia kwa kina zaidi, zaidi ya kadi za ripoti na mafanikio ya nje wanayojivunia, ili kutambua kile watoto wao wanachofanya na kuhisi. ""Kusaidia wazazi kukaa kwenye njia, Gaulds hutoa vidokezo vichache rahisi:" Zungumza na mtoto wako kuhusu kinachotokea. Angalia chini ya uso - kwa mfano, mkazo, hofu, mtazamo, mahusiano, wasiwasi, ngono, marafiki, walimu. Hizi ni wasiwasi na changamoto ambazo hazitaonekana kwenye kadi ya ripoti, na ni mambo muhimu na vichocheo katika maisha ya mtoto wako. b. Usisubiri tatizo la wazi. "Wakati mwingine, ushiriki wa wazazi unaweza kusababisha kitendo cha ghafula cha mtoto - kwa mfano, mwanafunzi wa heshima anayekamatwa akiiba", anasema Laura. Usisubiri kitu "kitokee" katika maisha ya mtoto wako - kitu wazi, kinyume cha maadili, tabia isiyoweza kukubaliwa ya kijamii - ili kuzungumzia chaguzi za maadili, kanuni, na ni mtu wa aina gani mtoto wako anapaswa kuwa. "Usifikiri kwamba kwa sababu mtoto wako anakuwa mnyoofu, hakuna haja ya jitihada zako za wazi na za moja kwa moja za kuwa mzazi na kuunga mkono", Laura anasema. "Kwa maelezo zaidi juu ya kitabu cha Gaulds, ""The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have,"" wasiliana na Mark Murrell kwenye 312-315-6011 au 312-955-8128, kwa barua pepe kwenye mark@markinteractive; tembelea greatparenting101.com na hyde.edu."