Trauma and abuse are, unfortunately, all too widespread in our society. There are many reasons, but one of the simplest to recognize is that hurt people all too often hurt other people. It's not inevitable that they will, and so it's something each of us who has experienced it has an opportunity to change for our children and grandchildren. It's possible for all of us to contribute to a happier and more peaceful future.
What Is Trauma?
Trauma is one of the outcomes of abuse. Trauma is a reaction to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms someone's ability to cope in the moment. It's a reaction to feelings of helplessness and real fear or even terror. It's experienced in a weakened, less powerful, sense of self and with losses to your ability to feel the full range of emotions and experiences, especially happiness and joy.
Trauma is experienced when our fight, flight or freeze system is strongly activated and deep parts of our brain powerfully and permanently remember what has happened. Trauma changes the way we see the world and primes us to be more reactive to potential threats around us. It can also leave us in a chronic state of alert that's technically called "arousal." We experience it later as stress, wariness, anxiety, fearfulness or hostility. It can lead to a tendency to withdraw or lash out. It can also lead to a variety of long-term adverse health problems like heart disease, diabetes and cancer. These are often due to poor coping choices like substance abuse, poor eating habits and smoking.
Who Has Experienced Trauma?
According to a World Mental Health survey done by the World Health Organization, at least a third of the more than 125,000 people surveyed in 26 different countries had experienced trauma. That number rose to 70% when only the people experiencing core emotional problems or disorders were considered.
Some Causes of Trauma
Experiencing or witnessing physical, emotional or sexual abuse
Living in an environment full of anger, fighting and threatening behavior
Living in fear of losing or not having enough food, shelter or other everyday necessities
Living with caregivers who become violent or can't take care of you or even themselves because of substance abuse, relationship or mental health problems
Surviving a major accident, natural disaster, combat or life in a war zone
Developing trauma depends of the intensity, frequency and duration of the events we experience. Experiencing lower intensity hurtful and stressful things repeatedly, frequently or over a long period of time can be just as traumatic as a high intensity one time violent or terrify event. In many ways, the lower intensity repeated or prolong stuff creates a more insidious kind of trauma that is harder to recognize and start to deal with.
What Does It Take to Recover?
Recovering from trauma takes time. It starts with learning to "be with" or tolerate bits and pieces of your memories of what happened. You have to "be present" and feel the sensations and emotions that come up while avoiding becoming overwhelmed by them. This often requires professional help. As you gain this experience, you become less sensitive to triggers, feel more in control of your life and become a happier healthier person.
You can also work to become more physically active. Yoga, Tai Chi, meditation and other structured mindfulness practices, help us get to know our bodies in a healthier way and become more aware of the way we handle (or fail to handle) stress.
Writing your personal story for 20 to 30 minutes a day over the course of about 10 days is another way to spend time with the difficult parts of your life in a less threatening way. If you find your emotions are getting too strong in the process, briefly write about your feelings in that moment as simply and matter-of-factly as you can and then stop for the day if you still feel you need to. Make sure you talk about the good things and helpful people who were part of that story. Find things you can be grateful for in the middle of it all.
The more often you avoid and push away everything that has to do with your traumas, the smaller, more fear filled and unhappy your life will remain. Find ways to slowly work your way through your past and find your hope for the future in the process.
What Is Empathy?
Sympathy and empathy are similar words that are often compared to each other to make their meanings clearer. Sympathy means that we "feel for" someone in the sense that we for sorry for or have pity for them. It might even be reduced to meaning "it sucks to be you."
Empathy means that we "feel with" someone. To an extent, we actually feel what they feel and join them a bit in their suffering. With empathy, we put ourselves in their shoes and we feel that we might even know why they feel like they do or that we "know where they're coming from" in a meaningful way. While we can never truly know the depth or meaning of someone else's experience, we can have some sense of how deep or painful it could be based on our own experiences.
How to Develop Empathy
It is hard to feel empathy when you're in a difficult conversation. It's hard to focus on what the other person feels, and to think about why, when you feel you're under attack or your body is at some level of alert. How do you change that? It starts with noticing that it's happening. Then, while you're still listening to what they're saying, you stop planning what you're going to say or do, slow your breathing down and just pay attention.
As your body is calming down, see what elements of truth you can find in what they're saying. This is part of not taking what they're saying personally. They may be making a point badly, but they still have a point. Ask them to tell you more about what you think they might be saying or what it means. Show them that you're paying attention and trying to understand. This will go a long way in defusing the situation.
When it's clear that they feel acknowledged and heard, you can talk about what you think has been missed, left out, misunderstood or otherwise needs to be added. To paraphrase Teddy Roosevelt, people don't care about what you think, if you don't care about what they think. Learn to listen better, so that you will be heard.
When you are figuring out how someone feels, remember that their feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are. Their feelings aren't about you. They're probably a reflection of a lot of things: past hurts, your history together, today's stresses and so on. Take the time to at least remember that there's a bigger picture, even if you don't know what it is. Doing these things will let your feelings shift and allow you to respond more positively.
You can increase your empathy by reflecting on your own woundedness or brokenness and that of the people you know the best. Keeping your own humanity in mind, helps you respond better to similar weaknesses in those you're interacting with. Journaling about this can help, too. Thinking, remembering and responding on paper gets the bits and pieces of our lives together and allows us to be more whole in ourselves and to respond to others more as people not problems.
What Is Compassion?
Compassion is acting on your empathy. You not only recognize a need; you act on it. Alex Lickerman has said that compassion is caring about another person's happiness as if it were your own. We may not be able to get completely there, but we can at least care enough about those closer to us to make an impact and make a difference in our lives together.
How to Develop Compassion
Here are three simple ways to start developing your capacity to be more compassionate:
Start by remembering times when you were shown or wanted to be shown compassion. Remember how you felt in as much detail as you can handle. Talk to people you know and trust and ask them about their own experiences. Journal about it so you can easily remember it later.
Find somewhere to be of service. Volunteer at your church or in the community. Search online or ask around because there are opportunities all over the place.
Remember all that you have to be grateful for. Take time once or twice a day to remember how blessed you are. I like to choose something from the past to reflect on in the morning and something from my day in the evening.
Pay attention. Look around. You will likely have at least a few opportunities to do something for somebody today if you pay attention. A smile, a compliment or small act of kindness are all acts of compassion and can become positive habits.
Things that Get in the Way
Having to Be Right
It's perfectly possible for two people to both have good points but to be so focused on being right and making the other listen and "accept" them that neither really hear anything. It's also important to remember that it's quite easy for both people to be wrong or both to be right in different ways. Accepting the validity or "rightness" of another person's point does not invalidate your point or make you wrong. Fighting over who's more right just creates more drama and keeps all involved from have empathy or compassion for the rest.
Losing Track of Your Values or "Goals"
You have values that are related to your relationship. You'd like to have a good relationship. You'd like things to be peaceful. You'd like to be loved, valued and heard. Stan Tatkin talks about us having each other's backs and remembering the enemy is "out there, not in here." We forget that "the problem" is the enemy, not the other person. We should be working to help each other heal and repair our brokenesses. It's easy to forget this in the heat of the moment. We need to learn to stop, breathe and take timeouts so we can reconnect to our values and our better selves.
"Getting triggered" always involves something "bad" from the past tripping the alarm centers in the fight or flight control room of your mind. Once triggered, it's even harder to stay in a conversation productively. Our instincts are working very hard against us in those moments, and the most important parts of our minds are mostly offline, so we have to slow it down, breathe or take a timeout.
Whatever you do, you still have to deal with the feelings. You have to work at owning your thoughts so that your thoughts don't own you. Like losing track of your goals, in these moments you need to get back to: "What do I want to change or have happen?", "What do I need to accept or apologize for?" or "What can we work on or agree on together?"
The other person may not really know what they want. It might change during the conversation. You might have to help them sort it out, which means you have to temporarily put their interests ahead of your own. Helping them talk about what they want will give you the opportunity to talk about what you want later. (Don't talk about what you want while helping them sort it out; that makes it look like you really aren't listening or considering it.) Jerry Wise has said, "Be what you want to receive."
Questions to Journal
- Were you abused or neglected, physically, sexually or emotionally while growing up? How has it affected your thinking, feelings and behavior? In what ways has it shaped you and your relationships?
- What positive ways have you found to handle your feelings and reactions to what happened?
- What makes it hard for you to be empathetic or compassionate to difficult people?
- What’s something you could start doing this week to listen better and pay as much attention to another person’s feelings as you do your own?
Associative Awareness Technique (AAT), Understanding Trauma: How Stress and Trauma Cause Chronic Pain, Anxiety, Depression and PTSD
The School of Life, How A Messed Up Childhood Affects You In Adulthood
Crappy Childhood Fairy, Brain Dysregulation How to Know If It's Happening (and What to Do About It)
Crappy Childhood Fairy, How to Get Your Hope Back After the Hardships of Childhood PTSD
Gerry Valentine, Embrace Adversity (TEDxBoulder)
Live on Purpose TV, How to Stop Being Insecure in a Relationship
Sesame Street, Mark Ruffalo: Empathy
Bessel van der Kolk, MD, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (2014)
Peter A. Levine, PhD, In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness (2012)
Peter A. Levine and Ann Frederick, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma (1997)
Russ Harris, The Reality Slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts (2012)
Alex Lickerman, MD, Psychology Today, "What Compassion Is: The Real Meaning of Compassion"
Paul Gilbert, Greater Good Magazine, "How to Turn Your Brain from Anger to Compassion"
Steven Stosny, PhD and Patricia Love, EdD, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (2009)
Bento C. Leal III, Four Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work – Anywhere!: A How-To Guide for Practicing the Empathic Listening, Speaking, and Dialogue Skills to Achieve Relationship Success (2017)
Quotes for the Week
The opposite of anger is not calmness. It's empathy.
Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird, 1962
If you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.
You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.
Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.
Verses for the Week
Finally, my dear friends, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.
In all circumstances give thanks…
[Notice it says "in" not "for." We can find ways and things to be grateful for even in the middle of the worst.]
As someone thinks in their heart, so they are.
Proverbs 4:23 (New Living Translation)
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Proverbs 4:23 (Good News Translation)
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.
Prayer for the Week
Help me pay attention to way I'm thinking and feeling this week, especially about the hurts and wounds in my past. I want to see where I'm sabotaging myself, holding myself back, isolating myself or hiding in shame. Help me recognize the times where I let my thoughts and feelings buddy up in an unhealthy way. Help me remember thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings. I want to remember they aren't 100% true or real and that I can see things in other ways that are better for me and those I care about. I also want to pay more attention to who I'm paying the most attention to this week. I want to pay less attention to myself and more attention to recognizing how others are feeling and what is leading them to talk the way they do. Help me take the hard things they might say less personally and recognize whatever elements of truth are there. I want to start healing wounds in myself and others and not create them anymore. Amen.
Kwa kusikitisha, majeraha na unyanyasaji wa kingono ni mambo yaliyoenea sana katika jamii yetu. Kuna sababu nyingi, lakini moja ya rahisi kutambua ni kwamba watu waliojeruhiwa mara nyingi sana wanawaumiza watu wengine. Ni muhimu kwamba kila mtu anajua, na kila mtu ambaye amejaribu ana nafasi ya kubadilisha kwa watoto na wajukuu. Ni muhimu kwa kila mmoja wetu kuchangia katika maisha ya baadaye yenye furaha na amani. Mshtuko wa Akili Ni Nini? Matatizo ni mojawapo ya matokeo ya unyanyasaji. Mshtuko wa akili ni athari ya tukio lenye kusumbua au lenye kusumbua sana ambalo huangamiza uwezo wa mtu wa kukabiliana na hali hiyo. Ni athari ya hisia za kukosa msaada na hofu ya kweli au hata hofu. Ni uzoefu katika udhaifu, chini ya nguvu, hisia ya nafsi na na hasara kwa uwezo wako wa kuhisi mbalimbali kamili ya hisia na uzoefu, hasa furaha na furaha. Mshtuko wa akili ni wakati mfumo wetu wa kupigana, kukimbia au kuzima unapoanza kufanya kazi na sehemu za kina za ubongo wetu zikikumbuka kwa nguvu na kwa kudumu kile kilichotokea. Matatizo hubadilisha jinsi tunavyoona ulimwengu na kutufanya tuwe na mwitikio zaidi kwa vitisho vinavyoweza kutuzunguka. Pia inaweza kutuacha katika hali ya kudumu ya tahadhari ambayo kiufundi inaitwa "kuamsha". Baadaye tunapata mkazo, kujihadhari, wasiwasi, hofu au uhasama. Inaweza kusababisha mwelekeo wa kujitenga au kupigana. Pia inaweza kusababisha matatizo mbalimbali ya afya ya muda mrefu kama vile ugonjwa wa moyo, kisukari na kansa. Mara nyingi hii hutokana na maamuzi mabaya ya kukabiliana na tatizo kama vile kutumia dawa za kulevya, tabia mbaya za kula na kuvuta sigara. Ni Nani Amewahi Kupatwa na Mshtuko wa Akili? Kulingana na utafiti uliofanywa na Shirika la Afya Duniani (WHO), karibu theluthi moja ya watu 125,000 waliochunguzwa katika nchi 26 walikuwa na matatizo ya akili. Idadi hiyo iliongezeka hadi asilimia 70 wakati watu waliopata matatizo ya msingi ya kihisia-moyo walipochukuliwa. Kuishi katika mazingira ya hasira, mapigano na tabia ya kutisha, kuishi kwa hofu ya kupoteza au kutokuwa na chakula cha kutosha, makazi au mahitaji mengine ya kila siku, kuishi na watunzaji ambao wanakuwa na vurugu au hawawezi kukujali wewe au hata wao wenyewe kwa sababu ya matumizi mabaya ya dawa za kulevya, uhusiano au matatizo ya afya ya akili, kuishi ajali kubwa, msiba wa asili, mapigano au maisha katika eneo la vita. Kuona mambo yenye kuumiza na yenye mkazo mara kwa mara, mara kwa mara au kwa muda mrefu kunaweza kuwa na uchungu kama tukio lenye nguvu au lenye kutisha. Kwa njia nyingi, nguvu ya chini ya kurudia au kupanua vitu huunda aina ya msiba wa hila zaidi ambao ni ngumu kutambua na kuanza kushughulika nao. Ni Nini Kinahitajika Ili Kupona? Kupona kutokana na majeraha huchukua wakati. "Kuanza na kujifunza ""kuwa na"" au kuvumilia vipande vya kumbukumbu zako za kile kilichotokea." Lazima "uwepo" na kuhisi hisia na hisia zinazotokea huku ukiepuka kuzidiwa nazo. Mara nyingi hilo huhitaji msaada wa mtaalamu. Unapopata uzoefu huu, unakuwa chini ya unyeti kwa triggers, kuhisi zaidi katika udhibiti wa maisha yako na kuwa mtu mwenye furaha na afya. Unaweza pia kufanya kazi ili uwe mwenye bidii zaidi. Yoga, Tai Chi, na mazoezi mengine ya akili yanatusaidia kujua mwili wetu kwa njia yenye afya na kuwa na ufahamu zaidi wa jinsi tunavyoshughulikia (au kushindwa kushughulikia) mkazo. Kuandika hadithi yako ya kibinafsi kwa dakika 20 hadi 30 kwa siku kwa siku 10 ni njia nyingine ya kutumia wakati na sehemu ngumu za maisha yako kwa njia isiyo na vitisho. Ikiwa unaona hisia zako zinakuwa na nguvu sana katika mchakato huo, andika kwa ufupi juu ya hisia zako wakati huo kwa urahisi na kwa ukweli kama unavyoweza, kisha uache kwa siku ikiwa bado unahisi unahitaji. Hakikisha unazungumza juu ya mambo mazuri na watu wenye kusaidia ambao walikuwa sehemu ya hadithi hiyo. Tafuta mambo unayoweza kuwa na shukrani kwa katikati ya yote. Kadiri unavyoepuka na kuondoa kila kitu kinachohusiana na majeraha yako, ndivyo maisha yako yatakavyokuwa madogo, yenye hofu na yasiyo na furaha. Tafuta njia za kufanya kazi polepole kupitia wakati wako uliopita na upate matumaini yako kwa siku zijazo katika mchakato huo. Hisia-mwenzi Ni Nini? "Simpati na hisia-mwenzi ni maneno yanayofanana ambayo mara nyingi hulinganishwa ili kufanya maana yao iwe wazi zaidi.""" "Uhusiano wa hisia-mwenzi unamaanisha kwamba ""tunamheshimu"" mtu fulani kwa maana ya kwamba tunamhurumia au kumhurumia." Huenda hata ikapunguzwa kuwa "ni jambo baya kuwa wewe". Hisia-mwenzi humaanisha kwamba "tunahisi" pamoja na mtu fulani. Kwa kiasi fulani, sisi kwa kweli huona kile wanachoona na kushirikiana nao kidogo katika mateso yao. Kwa hisia-mwenzi, tunajiweka katika nafasi yao na tunahisi kwamba tunaweza hata kujua ni kwa nini wanahisi kama wanavyofanya au kwamba tunajua "wanatoka wapi" kwa njia yenye maana. Ingawa hatuwezi kamwe kujua kina au maana ya uzoefu wa mtu mwingine, tunaweza kuwa na hisia ya jinsi kina au chungu inaweza kuwa kulingana na uzoefu wetu wenyewe. Jinsi ya Kuendeleza Hisia za Hisia Ni vigumu kuhisi hisia za hisia-mwenzi unapokuwa katika mazungumzo magumu. Ni vigumu kuzingatia kile mtu mwingine anahisi, na kufikiria kwa nini, wakati unahisi unashambuliwa au mwili wako uko katika kiwango fulani cha tahadhari. Unafanyaje ili ubadili hali hiyo? Inaanza na kugundua kwamba inatokea. Wakati huo huo, wakati unasikiliza kile wanachosema, acha kupanga kile utakachosema au kufanya, polepole pumua chini na uangalie tu. Wakati mwili wako unapokoma, angalia ni nini unaweza kupata katika kile wanachosema. Hii ni sehemu ya kutochukua kile wanachosema kibinafsi. Huenda wakawa na hoja mbaya, lakini bado wana hoja. Waulize waeleze zaidi kuhusu kile unachofikiri huenda wakasema au maana yake. Waonyeshe kwamba unasikiliza na unajaribu kuelewa. Hilo litasaidia sana kutuliza hali hiyo. Wakati ni wazi kwamba wanahisi kutambuliwa na kusikilizwa, unaweza kuzungumza juu ya kile unachofikiri kimepuuzwa, kushoto nje, kutoeleweka au vinginevyo inahitaji kuongezwa. "Teddy Roosevelt alisema, ""Watu hawajali unachofikiri ikiwa wewe haujali wanachofikiri.""" Jifunze kusikiliza vizuri ili usikilizwe. Unapochunguza hisia za mtu, kumbuka kwamba hisia zake si sahihi au zisizo sahihi. Wao ni tu. Hisia zao si kuhusu wewe. "Hiyo ni ""mfano"" wa mambo mengi: majeraha ya zamani, historia yako pamoja, shinikizo la leo na kadhalika." Chukua muda angalau kukumbuka kwamba kuna picha kubwa, hata kama hujui ni nini. Kufanya mambo hayo kutakuwezesha kubadilisha hisia zako na kukupa nafasi ya kuitikia kwa njia nzuri zaidi. Unaweza kuongeza hisia-mwenzi yako kwa kutafakari juu ya majeraha yako mwenyewe au kuvunjika na ile ya watu unaowajua vizuri zaidi. Kuhifadhi ubinadamu wako mwenyewe akilini, husaidia kujibu vizuri udhaifu kama huo katika wale unaowasiliana nao. Kuandika juu ya jambo hilo kwaweza kusaidia pia. Kufikiri, kukumbuka na kujibu kwenye karatasi huunganisha vipande vya maisha yetu pamoja na kuturuhusu kuwa kamili zaidi ndani yetu na kujibu wengine zaidi kama watu sio matatizo. Huruma Ni Nini? Huruma ni kutenda kwa hisia-mwenzi yako. Si tu kwamba unatambua uhitaji; pia unafanya jambo fulani ili uutosheleze. "Alex Lickman anasema, ""Hisia ya huruma ni kujali furaha ya mtu mwingine kama vile ni yako mwenyewe.""" Huenda tusikuweza kufika hapo kabisa, lakini angalau tunaweza kuwajali wale walio karibu nasi vya kutosha kufanya athari na kufanya tofauti katika maisha yetu pamoja. Jinsi ya kukuza huruma Hapa ni njia tatu rahisi za kuanza kukuza uwezo wako wa kuwa na huruma zaidi: Anza kwa kukumbuka wakati ulipoonyeshwa au ulitaka kuonyeshwa huruma. Kumbuka jinsi ulivyohisi kwa undani kadiri unavyoweza. Zungumza na watu unaowajua na kuwaamini na uwaulize kuhusu uzoefu wao. Weka kumbukumbu ya jambo hilo ili uweze kukumbuka kwa urahisi baadaye. Tafuta mahali pa kutumika. Jitahidi kufanya kazi ya kujitolea katika kanisa lako au katika jumuiya. Tafuta mtandaoni au uliza kwa sababu kuna fursa kila mahali. Kumbuka kila kitu unachohitaji kuwa na shukrani kwa. Tumia muda mara moja au mbili kwa siku kukumbuka jinsi ulivyo na baraka. Ninapenda kuchagua kitu kutoka kwa wakati uliopita cha kutafakari asubuhi na kitu kutoka kwa siku yangu jioni. Kumbuka jambo hilo. Angalia kuzunguka. Inawezekana kuwa na nafasi chache za kufanya kitu kwa ajili ya mtu fulani leo ikiwa utamkumbuka. Tabasamu, pongezi, au tendo dogo la fadhili ni matendo yote ya huruma na yanaweza kuwa mazoea mazuri. "Kuna uwezekano mkubwa kwa watu wawili kuwa na mambo mazuri lakini kuwa na lengo la kuwa sahihi na kufanya mwingine asikie na ""akubali"" kwamba hakuna hata mmoja wao anasikia chochote." Ni muhimu pia kukumbuka kwamba ni rahisi kwa watu wote wawili kuwa na makosa au wote wawili kuwa na haki kwa njia tofauti. Kukubali uhalali au "usahihi" wa wazo la mtu mwingine hakutenganishi wazo lako au kukufanya uwe na makosa. Kupigana juu ya nani aliye na haki zaidi huunda tu drama zaidi na huwazuia wote wanaohusika wasiwe na hisia-mwenzi au huruma kwa wengine. Kupoteza Ufuatiliaji wa Maadili Yako au "Lengo" Una maadili yanayohusiana na uhusiano wako. Ungependa kuwa na uhusiano mzuri. Ungependa mambo yawe ya amani. Unataka kupendwa, kuthaminiwa na kusikilizwa. Stan Tatkin anazungumza juu yetu kuwa na mgongo wa kila mmoja na kukumbuka adui ni "nje, si hapa ndani". Tunasahau kwamba "tatizo" ni adui, si mtu mwingine. Tunapaswa kufanya kazi ili kusaidiana kupona na kurekebisha mapungufu yetu. Ni rahisi kusahau jambo hilo wakati wa msukosuko. Tunahitaji kujifunza kusimamisha, kupumua na kuchukua muda ili tuweze kuunganisha tena na maadili yetu na nafsi zetu bora. "Kupata triggered" daima inahusisha kitu "mbaya" kutoka zamani triggering vituo vya kengele katika mapigano au ndege chumba cha kudhibiti ya akili yako. Mara tu unapozinduliwa, ni vigumu hata zaidi kubaki katika mazungumzo kwa ufanisi. "Hiyo ni wakati ambapo hisia zetu zinafanya kazi dhidi yetu, na sehemu muhimu zaidi za akili zetu ziko mbali, kwa hivyo tunapaswa kupunguza kasi, kupumua au kuchukua muda.""" Chochote unachofanya, bado unapaswa kushughulika na hisia hizo. Unapaswa kufanya kazi ya kumiliki mawazo yako ili mawazo yako yasikuwe yako. "Kama kupoteza mwelekeo wa malengo yako, katika nyakati hizi unahitaji kurudi kwa: ""Nataka kubadilisha nini au kuwa na nini?""" "Ni nini ninahitaji kukubali au kuomba msamaha kwa?" au "Tunaweza kufanya kazi juu ya nini au kukubaliana juu ya pamoja?" Huenda mtu mwingine asijue kile anachotaka. Huenda ikabadilika wakati wa mazungumzo. Unaweza kuwa na kusaidia kutatua tatizo hilo, na kwa muda fulani, unapaswa kuweka maslahi yao mbele ya yako mwenyewe. Kumsaidia kuzungumza juu ya kile anachotaka kutakupa fursa ya kuzungumza juu ya kile unachotaka baadaye. (Usieleze kile unachotaka wakati unamsaidia; hiyo hufanya ionekane kama wewe kwa kweli hausikii au kuichukulia.) "Jerry Wise alisema, ""Kuwa kile unachotaka kupokea.""" Maswali kwa Jarida - Je, ulidhulumiwa au kupuuzwa, kimwili, kingono au kihisia-moyo ulipokuwa ukikua? Umetumiaje mawazo yako, hisia zako, na tabia yako? Ni kwa njia gani umekuwa na uvutano juu yako na uhusiano wako? - Ni njia gani nzuri ambazo umepata za kushughulikia hisia na itikio lako kwa yale yaliyotokea? - Ni nini kinachokufanya uwe mgumu kuwa na hisia-mwenzi au huruma kwa watu magumu? - Ni jambo gani unaloweza kuanza kufanya juma hili ili kusikiliza vizuri na kuzingatia hisia za mtu mwingine kama unavyofanya zako mwenyewe? "Kama vile, ""Mafunzo ya Ujasiri na Trauma: Jinsi Mkazo na Trauma Husababisha Maumivu ya Muda mrefu, Wasiwasi, Ugonjwa wa Ugonjwa na PTSD"" na ""Mafunzo ya Ujasiri na Trauma: Jinsi ya Kuacha Kuwa Asili katika Uhusiano"" na ""Mtazamo wa Maisha"" na ""Mwili Unapoamka"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Mwili Unapoamka"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama"" na ""Usalama na Usalama.""" Jinsi ya kufanya mazoezi ya usikilizaji wa hisia, kuzungumza, na ustadi wa mazungumzo ili kufikia mafanikio ya uhusiano (2017) - Quotes for the Week Ni hisia-mwenzi. "Atticus Finch, ""Kuua Mockingbird"" (1962): ""Kama unaweza kujifunza ujanja rahisi, Scout, utapata bora zaidi na aina zote za watu.""" Huwezi kumfahamu mtu mpaka uone mambo kwa mtazamo wake, mpaka uingie ndani ya ngozi yake na kutembea ndani yake. Unaweza tu kuelewa watu kama wewe kuhisi yao katika mwenyewe. "Uwezo wa kuhisi hisia za wengine ni kuona kwa macho ya mtu mwingine, kusikiliza kwa masikio ya mtu mwingine, na kuhisi kwa moyo wa mtu mwingine. """ Ukihukumu watu, huna wakati wa kuwapenda. Ukimwona mtu asiye na tabasamu, mpe moja yako. Na nafsi hutiwa rangi na rangi ya mawazo yake. "Mstari wa mwisho wa kitabu cha Biblia ni huu: ""Mpendwa wangu, kila kitu kilicho kweli, cho chote kilicho cha heshima, cho chote kilicho haki, chote kilicho safi, cho chote kilicho cha kupendeza, cho chote kilicho cha kupendeza, chote kilicho kizuri, cho chote kinachostahili kusifiwa, fikiria mambo hayo.""" "Kwa sababu ya kila hali, shukuru kwa ajili ya kila kitu, kwa sababu ya kila hali, kwa sababu ya kila hali, kwa sababu ya kila hali, kwa sababu ya kila hali.""" Tunaweza kupata njia na vitu vya kuwa na shukrani hata katikati ya mbaya zaidi.] Kama mtu anavyofikiri moyoni mwake, ndivyo alivyo. "Mithali 4:23 ""Linda moyo wako zaidi ya kila kitu kingine, kwa maana huamua mwendo wa maisha yako.""" Mithali 4:23 - Jihadharini jinsi unavyofikiri; maisha yako yanaundwa na mawazo yako. Maombi ya wiki: Nisaidie kuzingatia jinsi ninavyofikiria na kuhisi wiki hii, haswa juu ya majeraha na majeraha katika siku zangu za nyuma. "Nataka kuona ni wapi ninapojiharibu, kujizuia, kujitenga au kujificha kwa aibu.""" Nisaidie kutambua wakati ambapo mimi kuruhusu mawazo yangu na hisia buddy up katika njia isiyo na afya. Nisaidie kukumbuka mawazo ni mawazo tu na hisia ni hisia tu. Nataka kukumbuka kwamba si kweli 100% na kwamba ninaweza kuona mambo kwa njia nyingine ambazo ni bora kwangu na kwa wale ninaowajali. Pia, ni lazima niangalie kwa makini zaidi ni nani anayepaswa kupewa uangalifu zaidi katika wiki hii. Ninataka kujishughulisha kidogo na mimi mwenyewe na kuzingatia zaidi jinsi wengine wanavyohisi na nini kinachowaongoza kusema jinsi wanavyofanya. Nisaidie kuchukua mambo magumu ambayo huenda wakasema kwa njia isiyo ya kibinafsi na kutambua mambo yoyote ya ukweli yaliyomo. Ninataka kuanza kuponya majeraha ndani yangu mwenyewe na wengine na si kuyaunda tena. Amini.