As parents we talk about our kids a lot. We talk about them to our family, to our friends and even to the cashier in the grocery store. Words have a lot of power, especially when they are used as describing words. Sociologists explain labeling theory as the theory that self-identity and behavior may be determined or influenced by the words used to describe them. Kids absorb everything they hear and those descriptions can stay with them for life. The describing words don’t even have to be negative to have a negative impact on them. Here are 18 words that should never be used to describe your children and why they are not beneficial.
Kids are naturally self-centered. Selfishness, however, presumes maliciousness. It’s important to keep in mind that kids are still learning and developing their understanding that other people have feelings and needs different than their own.
They aren’t trying to be mean and self-centered, they just need to learn that it’s not all about them. It’s still crucial that they understand how their actions affect others. Calling them selfish will not help them to understand that concept.
I always try to tell my children there are no bad kids, only kids who do bad things. Labeling a child as bad can have a lasting impact on them. Once a kid becomes the “bad kid” they can start to see themselves as unlikable and unable to be or do good.
They feel shame and eventually will feel like there isn’t a point in trying to be good. Encouraging your kids by always telling them they are a good kid who has just done a bad thing will help to label their action instead of making it become who they are.
I know we all like to brag about our kids, especially if we think they are a born genius! But describing your child as smart can put strong expectations on your child that they cannot live up to. They may feel like because they are smart they should be able to understand everything and they will eventually struggle with feelings of failure and perfectionism.
It’s better to acknowledge the actual task they did instead of leaving it as a broad statement. Saying something like “that was really great how you were able to solve that puzzle” will limit it to that specific circumstance.
This may seem like a no brainer, but it needs to be said. Describing your child with any word even remotely close to stupid will be damaging. Once a child thinks of themselves as stupid they will most likely stop trying as they will believe that it’s not worth it.
Most kids even know that’s not a word to call other kids, so to hear it from an adult will be extremely demeaning. And I get it, sometimes kids do things and you wonder what they were thinking at that time. You may be tempted to ask why they were so stupid. Instead ask about the action, not them, for example, “Did you think that was a wise decision?”.
Lots of kids will grow up to be well adjusted adults when they are given everything they’ve ever wanted. It’s ok to give your kids things. But don’t call them spoiled if they happen to get everything they ask for and act entitled. It passes on the blame for who is really at fault…the parent!
The term spoiled is used as an insult way too often. A kid can whine for everything they want, but they are not the one giving it to them. If you don’t want your child to be spoiled then ensure that you not giving them a reason to be.
A lot of times parents who have had an unplanned pregnancy will refer to their child as an accident. When I announced we were having baby number 4, I had a lot of people ask me if the baby was planned or an accident. I find that word to be so negative.
I hear parents joke about this all the time, but it can be very insensitive. Even if your child was unplanned they really do not need to know that, and especially don’t need to be described as the accident which can lead them to feel like they may not be wanted.
I get it that sometimes our kids can let us down. But I know I disappoint my kids on a daily basis just by saying the word “no”. I would hope that they don’t consider me a disappointment as a mother.
It’s ok to be disappointed by their behavior or actions, but that doesn’t need to be who they are. I’ve heard this a lot when kids don’t live up to their parents’ expectations of them and it leads to a life of trying to constantly please their parents and others.
I think most people are careful with this word these days, but it still needs to be said. Calling your child fat is never ok. It’s ok to remind your children that everyone has fat and it’s important for our bodies to have fat on them to function. But labeling a child as fat makes them feel like that is who they are and that their appearance defines them.
It can really send children down a dangerous path of low self-esteem, eating disorders and unattainable goals. Teach your children the importance of having a healthy body without making it about appearance.
You may think this one is ok because, according to society’s standards, skinny is good. Much like the previous point, as soon as you start describing your child based on their appearance it’s easy for them to feel like they are letting you down if they no longer look that way.
If your child has always been described by you as skinny, whether it’s in a positive or negative way, they will wonder how you feel about them if they are no longer skinny. If they put on weight, will you still love them? This can create a fear of gaining weight and can also lead to low self-esteem and eating disorders.
Weak is such a demeaning term to describe a child. It’s ok to refer to your child as weak if you are describing a symptom when they are sick. But I have heard plenty of parents call their kids weak if they don’t stand up to a bully, or weak compared to the kid who is strong enough to lift another kid when their child cannot.
If you want your kid to be strong, both emotionally and physically, then start describing them that way. If you call your kid weak it’s not usually going to motivate them to keep trying.
Kids lie! I think it’s just a natural learning curve for children. Especially when it’s to cover up something they have done wrong. But again, this goes back to labeling the behavior, not the child. Telling your child that they were lying is ok. Labeling them as a liar implies cruel intent. Once your child is described as a liar they will be perceived as unreliable and untrustworthy.
We all know about the boy who cried wolf. It’s a great story about the importance of telling the truth and can give a great example to children. This lesson can be taught by talking about his lies and the consequences without calling him a liar.
You’ve probably all seen those cute little onesies and kids’ shirts that say things like “Little heartbreaker”. While they seem cute, and I’m sure no one means any harm by it, let’s think about what that word really means and implies.
When you are calling your child a heartbreaker, you are saying your child breaks people’s hearts. Not so cute anymore! Just think about how you would feel if your kid truly was going around breaking people’s heart. Not to mention the fact that you are attaching a label to your child that is well beyond their years.
How about we start describing our little ones as leaders instead of bossy. While we want to ensure they are leading with kindness and inclusion, we don’t want to shut down their potentially natural tendency to lead. And the word bossy is rarely meant as a compliment.
Instead of using words like bossy try finding a word that encourages them to lead without treating others in a mean way. Words like leader, assertive and eager. If your child is in fact acting “bossy,” try pushing them towards the positive ways they can lead and be assertive without coming across in a negative way.
Sometimes kids can cry and cry for a reason as ridiculous as the wrong plate color. It feels like they are crying for nothing and I get that it can be frustrating and annoying, especially if your kids cry a lot. But calling them a crybaby (especially boys) can force them to close themselves off.
They may feel like you are no longer a safe person to show their emotions around. Crying is a natural response and it’s ok for them to cry. Help them to find ways to express themselves better if crying becomes a problem. I encourage my kids to find their words if their crying is excessive.
Ouch! This one hurts a lot just to write, so imagine how crushing it would be for a child to know they are being described as a mistake. You may think this is the same as calling them an accident, but it is much harsher. An accident is more like an unplanned “oops.” A mistake implies regret. And a child can still be described as a mistake when the parents had planned to have them!
A child who feels like their parents regret having them will be crushed and will struggle to feel wanted and loved. They may feel like they don’t have a place in the world. They can see themselves as a mistake in everyone’s eyes too not just their parents.
Some kids are definitely more quiet and have introverted personalities. It’s ok to not want to interact with a lot of people and it’s important to respect the sensitivity of your child. But I’ve seen way too many kids labeled as shy and use it to get out of doing things, to avoid manners (a basic please and thank you is not too much to ask) and to completely ignore people.
I think that shy can be used as an excuse to cover up our kids being rude. I never force my kids to hug, kiss or touch someone in any way, but I still expect manners. If your kids refuse to say “thank you” when someone gives them something parents can easily brush it off as them just being shy. Teach your kids to find a healthy balance instead of giving them a lifetime excuse.
2. Any Swear Word
No need to list them all here…I’m sure you could think of a few words I’m referring to. Describing your child using any sort of bad language is a big no! They are harsh and are usually not used in a loving way.
I see them more often on social media over actually saying it to the child. Parents may think it sounds relatable and trendy to call their kids names when they are complaining in their status, but it’s important to remember that someday your child may see that status! It’s also not presenting your child in a very loving way to the public eye.
I try to use this word the same way that I use the word bad. The kids aren’t mean, they are doing mean things. It goes back to labeling theory and once a kid becomes labeled “the mean kid,” it’s hard for others and themselves to see kindness.
A lot of times kids really aren’t mean, but they are being mean to cover up other issues. Kids can say mean things to others to feel better about themselves. While it is not nice to treat others poorly, instead of describing your child as mean you can simply say they are not behaving very nice, focusing on the action not the child.
Kama wazazi, sisi huzungumza sana juu ya watoto wetu. Tunazungumza juu yao kwa familia yetu, kwa marafiki wetu na hata kwa mkopo katika duka la vyakula. Maneno yana nguvu, hasa yanapotumiwa kuelezea mambo. Wanasoshalisti hufafanua nadharia ya kuweka alama kama nadharia kwamba utambulisho wa kibinafsi na tabia inaweza kuamuliwa au kuathiriwa na maneno yanayotumiwa kuelezea. Watoto huchukua kila kitu wanachosikia na maelezo hayo yanaweza kubaki nao maisha yao yote. Maneno ya kuelezea hata hayana kuwa hasi kuwa na athari hasi juu yao. Hapa kuna maneno 18 ambayo haipaswi kutumiwa kuelezea watoto wako na kwa nini hawafai. Kwa kawaida watoto hujifikiria wenyewe. Hata hivyo, ubinafsi hutia ndani uovu. Ni muhimu kukumbuka kwamba watoto bado wanajifunza na kuendeleza uelewa wao kwamba watu wengine wana hisia na mahitaji tofauti na yao wenyewe. Wao si kujaribu kuwa mbaya na binafsi-centric, wao tu haja ya kujifunza kwamba si wote kuhusu wao. Bado ni muhimu kwamba waelewe jinsi matendo yao yanavyowaathiri wengine. Kuwaita wenye ubinafsi hakutawasaidia kuelewa wazo hilo. "Mimi huwaambia watoto wangu kwamba ""hakuna watoto wabaya, ni watoto tu wanaofanya mambo mabaya.""" Kumwita mtoto mbaya kunaweza kuwa na athari ya kudumu. Mara baada ya mtoto kuwa "mtoto mbaya" wanaweza kuanza kujiona kama unlikable na haiwezi kuwa au kufanya mema. Wao huhisi aibu na hatimaye watahisi kama hakuna uhakika katika kujaribu kuwa nzuri. Kuwapa watoto wako moyo kwa kuwaambia kuwa wao ni watoto wazuri ambao wamefanya mambo mabaya, itasaidia kuelezea matendo yao badala ya kuwafanya kuwa wao. Najua sisi sote hupenda kujigamba juu ya watoto wetu, hasa ikiwa tunafikiri wao ni kipaji cha kuzaliwa! Lakini kumtaja mtoto wako kuwa mwenye akili kunaweza kumfanya awe na matarajio makubwa ambayo hawezi kuyatimiza. Wanaweza kuhisi kama kwa sababu wao ni smart wanapaswa kuwa na uwezo wa kuelewa kila kitu na wao hatimaye itabidi kupambana na hisia ya kushindwa na ukamilifu. Ni bora kutambua kazi halisi walifanya badala ya kuondoka kama taarifa ya jumla. Kusema kitu kama "hiyo ilikuwa kweli kubwa jinsi wewe walikuwa na uwezo wa kutatua kwamba puzzle" itapunguza kwa hali hiyo maalum. Huenda hilo likaonekana kuwa jambo lisilo la kawaida, lakini linahitaji kusemwa. "Kumwita mtoto wako ""mtu wa kipumbavu"" kwa maneno yoyote, hata kama ni maneno ya kijinga, kunaweza kumdhuru." Mara mtoto anapojiona kuwa mpumbavu wao kwa uwezekano mkubwa wataacha kujaribu kwa sababu wataamini kwamba haifai. Watoto wengi hata wanajua kwamba hiyo si neno la kuwaita watoto wengine, kwa hiyo kuisikia kutoka kwa mtu mzima itakuwa ya kudhalilisha sana. Na ninaelewa, wakati mwingine watoto hufanya mambo na unajiuliza walikuwa wakifikiria nini wakati huo. Unaweza kujaribiwa kuuliza kwa nini walikuwa wapumbavu sana. Badala yake uliza juu ya hatua, si wao, kwa mfano, <unk>Je, unafikiri hiyo ilikuwa uamuzi wa busara?<unk>. Watoto wengi watakua na kuwa watu wazima wenye uwezo wa kurekebisha mambo wanapopewa kila kitu walichotaka. Ni sawa kuwapa watoto wako vitu. Lakini usiwaite walioharibika ikiwa wanapata kila kitu wanachoomba na kutenda kwa haki. Inampa mtu mwingine lawama kwa sababu ni mzazi ndiye mwenye kosa halisi! Neno "mchukizwa" hutumiwa mara nyingi sana kama dhihaka. Mtoto anaweza kulalamika kwa kila kitu anachotaka, lakini si wao wanaompa. Kama hutaki mtoto wako kuharibiwa basi hakikisha kwamba wewe si kuwapa sababu ya kuwa. "Wazazi ambao wamekuwa na mimba isiyo ya kawaida mara nyingi hutaja mtoto wao kama ""ajali.""" "Wakati nilitangaza kuwa tulikuwa na mtoto wa nne, watu wengi waliniuliza kama mtoto alikuwa amepangwa au ajali. """ Ninaona neno hilo kuwa lenye kudhuru sana. Mimi kusikia wazazi utani kuhusu hili wakati wote, lakini inaweza kuwa isiyo na hisia sana. Hata kama mtoto wako hakuwa na mpango wao kweli hawana haja ya kujua kwamba, na hasa hawana haja ya kuelezwa kama ajali ambayo inaweza kuwaongoza kuhisi kama wao inaweza kuwa si alitaka. Najua kwamba wakati mwingine watoto wetu wanaweza kutukatisha tamaa. Lakini najua ninawavunja moyo watoto wangu kila siku kwa kusema tu neno "hapana". Natumaini kwamba hawataniona kuwa mama mwenye kuvunja moyo. Ni sawa kuwa na tamaa na tabia yao au vitendo, lakini hiyo haihitaji kuwa wao ni nani. Nimesikia hii mengi wakati watoto hawaishi hadi wazazi wao matarajio ya yao na inaongoza kwa maisha ya kujaribu daima tafadhali wazazi wao na wengine. Nadhani watu wengi ni tahadhari na neno hili siku hizi, lakini bado inahitaji kusemwa. "Kutumia jina ""mwana wako mafuta"" ni sawa, lakini ni sawa kukumbusha watoto wako kwamba kila mtu ana mafuta na ni muhimu kwa miili yetu kuwa na mafuta juu yao kufanya kazi." "Kutumia jina ""mtu mzito"" kwa mtoto wako kumfanya ahisi kwamba yeye ni mzito na kwamba sura yake inamufafanua." Hii inaweza kuwa na athari kubwa kwa watoto, na inaweza kuwa na hatari ya kujidharau, matatizo ya kula na malengo yasiyowezekana. Wafundishe watoto wako umuhimu wa kuwa na mwili wenye afya bila kujali sura. Unaweza kufikiri hii ni sawa kwa sababu, kulingana na viwango vya jamii, nyembamba ni nzuri. Kama ilivyo katika sehemu ya awali, mara tu unapoanza kumfafanua mtoto wako kulingana na sura yake, ni rahisi kwake kuhisi kama anakukatisha tamaa ikiwa haonekani hivyo tena. Ikiwa mtoto wako amekuwa akielezwa na wewe kuwa mwembamba, iwe ni kwa njia nzuri au hasi, watajiuliza unajisikiaje juu yao ikiwa hawatakuwa mwembamba tena. Ikiwa watazidi kunenepa, je, bado utawapenda? Hii inaweza kuunda hofu ya kupata uzito na pia inaweza kusababisha kujidharau chini na matatizo ya kula. "Mdogo" ni neno lenye kudharau sana kuelezea mtoto. Ni sawa kumtaja mtoto wako kuwa dhaifu ikiwa unaelezea dalili wakati ni mgonjwa. Lakini nimesikia wazazi wengi wakiwaita watoto wao dhaifu ikiwa hawawezi kusimama dhidi ya mnyanyasaji, au dhaifu ikilinganishwa na mtoto ambaye ni mwenye nguvu ya kutosha kuinua mtoto mwingine wakati mtoto wao hawezi. Ikiwa unataka mtoto wako awe na nguvu, kihisia na kimwili, basi anza kuwaelezea kwa njia hiyo. Kama wewe wito mtoto wako dhaifu ni si kawaida kwenda kuhamasisha yao kuendelea kujaribu. Watoto husema uwongo! Nadhani ni tu asili ya kujifunza curve kwa ajili ya watoto. Hasa wakati ni kufunika kitu wamefanya vibaya. Lakini tena, hii inarudi kwenye kuweka alama kwenye tabia, sio mtoto. Kumwambia mtoto wako kwamba alikuwa anadanganya ni sawa, kumwita mwongo ni ukatili. Ikiwa mtoto wako anaonekana kuwa mwongo, utaona kuwa hawezi kuaminika. Sisi sote tunajua kuhusu mvulana aliyepiga kelele ya mbwa-mwitu. Ni hadithi kubwa kuhusu umuhimu wa kusema ukweli na inaweza kutoa mfano mkubwa kwa watoto. Unaweza kujifunza jambo hilo kwa kuzungumza kuhusu uwongo wake na matokeo yake bila kumwita mwongo. Yaelekea nyote mmeona hizo onesies ndogo zenye kupendeza na mashati ya watoto ambayo yanasema mambo kama "Little heartbreaker". Wakati wao kuonekana cute, na mimi nina uhakika hakuna mtu ana maana madhara yoyote na hilo, hebu kufikiri kuhusu nini neno hilo kweli ina maana na ina maana. Unapomwita mtoto wako mvunja moyo, unasema mtoto wako huvunja mioyo ya watu. Si mrembo sana tena! Fikiria tu jinsi ungehisi ikiwa mtoto wako kwa kweli alikuwa akizunguka akivunja mioyo ya watu. Bila kujali kwamba wewe ni kuweka lebo kwa mtoto wako kwamba ni mbali zaidi ya miaka yao. Vipi ikiwa tutaanza kuwafafanua watoto wetu kuwa viongozi badala ya kuwa wasimamizi? Wakati tunataka kuhakikisha wao ni kuongoza na fadhili na ujumuishaji, hatutaki kufunga yao uwezekano wa asili mwelekeo wa kuongoza. Na neno "mtawala" mara chache hutumiwa kama pongezi. Badala ya kutumia maneno kama vile'mkuu' jaribu kutafuta neno ambalo linawatia moyo kuongoza bila kuwatendea wengine kwa njia mbaya. Maneno kama kiongozi, mwenye kujitegemea na mwenye hamu. Ikiwa mtoto wako kwa kweli anafanya <unk>bossy,<unk> jaribu kushinikiza kuelekea njia chanya wanaweza kuongoza na kuwa na uhakika bila kuja katika njia hasi. Wakati mwingine watoto wanaweza kulia na kulia kwa sababu ya kipumbavu kama rangi mbaya ya sahani. Inaonekana kama wanalia kwa ajili ya kitu chochote, na ninaelewa kuwa inaweza kuwa ya kukatisha tamaa na ya kukasirisha, hasa kama watoto wako wanalia sana. Lakini kuwaita watoto wa kulia (hasa wavulana) kunaweza kuwafanya wajifunge. Huenda wakahisi kwamba wewe si mtu salama tena wa kuonyesha hisia zao. Kulia ni jibu la kawaida na ni sawa kwao kulia. Msaidie kupata njia za kujieleza vizuri zaidi ikiwa kulia kunakuwa tatizo. Ninawatia moyo watoto wangu wapate maneno yao ikiwa kilio chao ni cha kupita kiasi. Ouch! (Kushangaa) "Hii inatuumiza sana kuandika tu, kwa hivyo fikiria jinsi ingekuwa ya kukandamiza kwa mtoto kujua kuwa wanaelezwa kama ""kosa.""" Unaweza kufikiri kwamba hilo ni sawa na kuwaita aksidenti, lakini ni jambo gumu zaidi. Aksidenti ni kama <unk>oops<unk> isiyotazamiwa. <unk> Kosa linamaanisha majuto. Na mtoto bado aweza kuelezwa kuwa kosa wakati wazazi walikuwa wamepanga kuwa na yeye! Mtoto ambaye anaona wazazi wake wanajuta kuwa na watoto hao atapigwa na moyo na atajitahidi sana kuhisi kwamba wanamthamini na kumpenda. Huenda wakahisi kwamba hawana mahali pa kuishi katika ulimwengu huu. Wanaweza kujiona kuwa kosa machoni pa kila mtu pia si wazazi wao tu. Kwa hakika watoto fulani ni watulivu zaidi na wana utu wa kujitenga. Ni sawa kutotaka kuingiliana na watu wengi na ni muhimu kuheshimu unyeti wa mtoto wako. Lakini nimeona njia nyingi sana watoto labelled kama aibu na kutumia ni kupata nje ya kufanya mambo, kuepuka adabu (msingi tafadhali na asante si sana kuuliza) na kabisa kupuuza watu. "Kama vile unavyoweza kusema, ""kuogopa"" ni kificho cha kuficha kuwa watoto wako ni wabaya." Mimi siwalazimishi watoto wangu kumkumbatia, kumbusu au kumgusa mtu kwa njia yoyote, lakini bado ninatarajia adabu. Ikiwa watoto wako wanakataa kusema "asante" wakati mtu anapowapa kitu fulani, wazazi wanaweza kukipuuza kwa urahisi kwa kuwa wao ni wenye haya tu. Wafundishe watoto wako kupata usawa wa afya badala ya kuwapa udhuru wa maisha. 2. Uwezekano wa kupata Hakuna haja ya kuorodhesha wote hapa...Nina hakika unaweza kufikiria maneno machache ninayoyataja. Kumfafanua mtoto wako kwa kutumia lugha yoyote mbaya ni la! Ni kali na kwa kawaida hazitumiwi kwa njia ya upendo. Kwa kawaida, mimi huona watu wengi kwenye mitandao ya kijamii wakisema hivyo kwa watoto wao. Wazazi wanaweza kufikiri inaonekana relatable na trendy wito watoto wao majina wakati wao ni kulalamika katika hali yao, lakini ni muhimu kukumbuka kwamba siku moja mtoto wako inaweza kuona hali hiyo! Pia si kuonyesha mtoto wako kwa njia yenye upendo sana mbele ya umma. "Ninajaribu kutumia neno ""mwenye nguvu"" kama vile ninavyotumia neno ""mwenye nguvu.""" Watoto si wabaya, wao ni kufanya mambo mabaya. Inarudi kwenye nadharia ya kuweka alama na mara tu mtoto anapokuwa amewekwa alama ya "mtoto mbaya", ni vigumu kwa wengine na wao wenyewe kuona fadhili. Mara nyingi watoto si wabaya, lakini ni wabaya ili kuficha masuala mengine. Watoto wanaweza kusema mambo mabaya kwa wengine ili kujisikia vizuri zaidi juu yao wenyewe. Ingawa si jambo la kupendeza kuwatendea wengine vibaya, badala ya kumfafanua mtoto wako kuwa mchafu unaweza kusema tu kwamba haendelei vizuri, ukizingatia tendo hilo wala si mtoto.