Have you ever entered into a bargain without realizing it? Alice did, and now she’s getting a daily dose of frustration from an arrangement she thought would be to her benefit. Here’s her story.
Like so many people of her age, Alice feels responsible for her parents. Her dad is ill, and now he needs lengthy hospital appointments several times a week. This presents a difficulty. How can Alice possibly juggle children, work, and her own life with this new requirement?
Enter Jenny, a long time friend of her parents. When she heard the news and learned of the difficulty it’s presented for Alice, Jenny offered to take dad to his appointments. Gratefully, Alice agreed. It was such a relief to know that her dad’s transportation would be reliably handled.
Well, nothing’s ever simple, is it? Since Jenny has taken on the role of driving dad to the hospital, Alice finds that she and Jenny are in continual conflict.
There are disagreements with Jenny over schedules, diet, medications—all sorts of things that Alice feels are none of Jenny’s business. In Alice’s mind, it’s as if Jenny now thinks she’s in charge!
Alice always knew that Jenny was a tad opinionated, but this interference is too much. How did this happen? And, what can Alice do?
When Alice accepted Jenny’s offer, she didn’t realize that she had entered into a kind of unspoken bargain.
Let’s look at things from Jenny’s perspective. The family needs her. She is playing an important role and she wants that to be recognized.
Is Jenny’s behaviour reasonable? All of us have a need for power and recognition, and it looks like Jenny expected to satisfy some of her need for recognition through her offer to help. So while Jenny’s behaviour may not seem reasonable to Alice, it’s certainly understandable.
Now, what can Alice do? She does have choices. One possibility would be to acknowledge Jenny’s need for recognition by addressing it to some degree. For example, she might offer Jenny some decision-making opportunities.
If so, it’s important that Alice be clear on what authority she is (and is not) prepared to share. For example, Alice might be willing to have Jenny decide the menus. However, Alice may insist that she, not Jenny, handle the medications. That’s Alice’s prerogative. Every issue need not be negotiated for Jenny to feel valued and for Alice to have the help she needs. It could work out well.
On the other hand, Alice might conclude that the benefit of having Jenny’s help is not worth the interference and conflict that comes with it. If so, then Alice will have to find another way to deal with her father’s need for transportation. It will ultimately be better for everyone if she does that without hurting Jenny’s feelings and fracturing her relationship with the family.
One thing we know is that Alice’s fuming to friends and family about Jenny’s butt-in behaviour is not helpful—not for her, for Jenny, or for dad.
If you were Alice, what would you choose? Are there other, better options?
Je, umewahi kufanya mapatano bila kujua? Alice alifanya hivyo, na sasa anapatwa na uchungu wa kila siku kutokana na mpangilio aliodhani ungekuwa kwa manufaa yake. Hapa ni hadithi yake. Kama watu wengi wa umri wake, Alice anajisikia kuwa na daraka kwa wazazi wake. Baba yake ni mgonjwa, na sasa anahitaji kwenda hospitalini mara kadhaa kwa juma. Hilo ni jambo gumu. Alice anawezaje kuunganisha watoto, kazi, na maisha yake mwenyewe na takwa hili jipya? Anaingia Jenny, rafiki wa muda mrefu wa wazazi wake. Aliposikia habari hizo na kujua ugumu ambao Alice alikuwa nao, Jenny alitoa pendekezo la kumpeleka baba kwenye miadi yake. Kwa shukrani, Alice alikubali. Ilikuwa kitulizo sana kujua kwamba usafiri wa baba yake ungeendeshwa kwa uaminifu. Kwa kweli, hakuna kitu rahisi, sivyo? Tangu Jenny alichukua jukumu la kumsafirisha baba hospitali, Alice hugundua kwamba yeye na Jenny wako katika mgogoro wa kuendelea. Kuna kutoelewana na Jenny juu ya ratiba, mlo, dawa - kila aina ya mambo ambayo Alice anahisi si biashara ya Jenny. Katika akili ya Alice, ni kana kwamba sasa Jenny anafikiri kwamba yeye ndiye anayesimamia mambo! Alice daima alijua kwamba Jenny alikuwa tad opinionated, lakini kuingiliwa hii ni sana. Jambo hilo lilitokeaje? Na, Alice anaweza kufanya nini? Wakati Alice alikubali toleo la Jenny, hakujua kwamba alikuwa ameingia katika aina ya mapatano yasiyoelezwa. Hebu tuangalie mambo kwa mtazamo wa Jenny. Familia inamhitaji. Yeye ni kucheza jukumu muhimu na yeye anataka kwamba kutambuliwa. Je, mwenendo wa Jenny ni wenye busara? """Sisi sote tunahitaji nguvu na kutambuliwa, na inaonekana Jenny alitarajia kuridhisha baadhi ya mahitaji yake ya kutambuliwa kupitia toleo lake la kusaidia." Kwa hiyo ingawa tabia ya Jenny huenda isiwe ya busara kwa Alice, ni hakika inayoeleweka. Sasa, Alice aweza kufanya nini? Yeye ana chaguzi. Uwezekano mmoja ungekuwa kutambua uhitaji wa Jenny wa kutambuliwa kwa kuushughulikia kwa kiwango fulani. Kwa mfano, huenda akampa Jenny nafasi ya kufanya maamuzi fulani. Kama ni hivyo, ni muhimu kwamba Alice kuwa wazi juu ya nini mamlaka yeye ni (na si) tayari kushiriki. Kwa mfano, huenda Alice akakubali Jenny aamue mimea. Hata hivyo, huenda Alice akaendelea kudai kwamba yeye, wala si Jenny, ndiye atakayeshughulikia dawa hizo. Hiyo ni haki ya Alice. Hakuna haja ya kujadiliana kila jambo ili Jenny ahisi anathaminiwa na ili Alice apate msaada anaohitaji. Hilo laweza kufaa. Kwa upande mwingine, huenda Alice akafikia mkataa kwamba faida ya kupata msaada wa Jenny haifai kuingiliwa na mgogoro unaohusiana nayo. Ikiwa ndivyo, basi Alice atalazimika kupata njia nyingine ya kushughulika na uhitaji wa baba yake wa usafiri. Hatimaye itakuwa bora kwa kila mtu ikiwa atafanya hivyo bila kuumiza hisia za Jenny na kuvunja uhusiano wake na familia. Jambo moja tunajua ni kwamba Alice ni fuming kwa marafiki na familia kuhusu Jenny ya butt-katika tabia si kusaidia - si kwa ajili yake, kwa Jenny, au kwa baba. Kama ungekuwa Alice, ungechagua nini? Je, kuna njia nyingine bora zaidi?