Young children find it difficult to control themselves. They are just learning how to control their body, mind and feelings. Sometimes this leads to intense emotional outbursts, accompanied by crying, screaming, rolling on the floor, flailing arms and legs, or even kicking and hitting.
These outbursts, known as temper tantrums, are not a sign that the child is bad, spoiled or manipulative. They are a normal part of development between the ages of 1 and 4, when children learn how to be themselves, but don’t know yet what adults find acceptable. However, even though it’s natural, a temper tantrum is certainly an unpleasant experience for both parents or children. To learn how to manage it, we must first understand
what is it about the child's brain that causes tantrums.
The brain can be roughly divided into two parts - "upper" and "lower" brain. Each of these parts performs different tasks.
The upper brain is in charge of logic and reason, while the lower brain controls our innate reactions and instincts, and strong emotions such as fear and anger.
Both parts of the brain are very important and play critical roles in different situations. We need the upper brain, for example, in order to plan a task, whereas the lower brain would help us if we need to act quickly in case of danger.
In children, however, the upper brain isn’t well-developed yet. In fact, it develops fully only after 20 years of age. This means that the lower brain in children often takes over, especially when they feel stressed, scared or threatened. At such moments, they react very impulsively and uncontrollably. It is impossible to reason them out of the situation, simply because the upper brain has temporarily shut down.
Then how can we turn it back on?
This is not always an easy task and it certainly can't happen right away, as if we had a magic wand. It could take a few minutes, quarter of an hour or longer for the child's natural “alarm system” to settle down and allow the child to be able to reason again.
The good news is that if we follow these tips, we can turn temper tantrums into useful lessons. Little by little, children will learn how to deal with the strong feelings of frustration and anger at not getting their way, and they will become better communicators. The important thing is to reinforce two things. The first thing are the boundaries that are being contested, and the second thing is the child's confidence that they have our unconditional love and support.
What is most important to do?
1. Remain calm
To be able to calm the child, it is important that we calm ourselves first. This, of course, is quite difficult, especially when the child is rolling on the street in tears or screaming loudly in the store.
The problem is that if we lose our composure, start to shout, pull the child forcefully or threaten him, we activate the lower brain even more and block the upper brain. This only aggravates the situation. Like airplane passengers who are instructed to put on their own oxygen masks first before assisting children in case of an emergency, parents need to be able to calm themselves first and then try to calm the child. A few deep breaths or stepping out of the room for a short time can be very effective.
2. Offer physical comfort
What the lower brain responds to well is physical contact. Approaching the child, holding them gently, hugging or holding their hand - these actions can help to calm the raging emotional "storm" inside them. It’s important that the child feels the physical closeness and is able to lean on our body for comfort.
If the child refuses our offer, there is no need to insist. We can just say "I'm here if you need me." or "I see that you don't want my help now, but I'll be there for you if you want to hug or talk."
3. Validate the child's emotions
The act of naming our emotions has great power. We can drastically reduce our stress levels by simply saying out loud how we feel.
However, this is not always easy, much less for young children who are just learning how to recognise their feelings. Plus, temper tantrums are usually the result of a whole range of feelings that have boiled over at some point. In addition to angry and sad, children may feel frustrated at not being competent enough, fearful that mom and dad don't love them anymore, jealous of someone who gets more attention, and so on.
Here comes our key role as parents to briefly name the child’s feelings during the temper tantrum, since they won’t be able to do it on their own (and to ask if unsure what the feelings are). This way our child will know that their emotions are validated and respected. For example,"I see you're very angry that we can't buy that toy car. You wish you could buy anything you like from the store."
4. Keep the boundaries
Sometimes we are ready to give in to any demands our child may have, just so that they stop throwing a tantrum and making a scene. In an attempt to distract them, we resort to offering toys or treats or directly handing them our smartphone. Other times we manage to hold out for ten or twenty minutes, but eventually we can't stand it anymore and back down.
Unfortunately, if we agree to buy the toy, extend screentime or grant any other wish against the rules, we send the child a very wrong message. Namely, that boundaries are not so important and that this kind of behaviour is advantageous. The next time the child throws a tantrum, they will be expecting their reward.
Learn more about boundary setting and keeping from our article Setting Limits: How to Do It Effectively (Part 2)
5. Don't go into lengthy explanations
When the lower brain acts disconnected from the upper brain, it’s practically impossible to resolve the situation with reasonable explanations. For us there may be a perfectly logical solution to the problem, but in this state the child is not able to perceive it.
Even if our detailed explanations are said with a soothing voice, we risk confusing and frustrating the child, whose vocabulary is still limited. It’s better to stick to a few short sentences and then remain silent while proving physical comfort.
6. Discuss the situation after the child has calmed down
The child has stopped screaming, the crying has subsided. Now it's possible to talk to the child about what happened because they have gained control of their upper brain. This is the time to discuss the child’s feelings and behaviour, how the temper tantrum could have been prevented and how to cope next time.
Naturally, we should use age-appropriate language. For a 3-4 year-old child, for example, we can say: "Dear, I know how much you wanted another piece of cake and how angry you were when I said no. Feeling angry is normal. Still, you are not allowed to shout and kick others. Kicking hurts, as does loud screaming. Next time just tell me how angry you are and we’ll talk about it, okay?"
But can't we just ignore the temper tantrum until it's over?
There are experts who advise parents to ignore tantrums, as long as their child and people around are safe. In their view children throw tantrums only to seek attention and consequently every active intervention on the part of parents (no matter supportive or threatening) only reinforces the behaviour.
If parents react with excessive attention, very strong emotions or lengthy explanations, which rather sound like excuses, children can indeed be left with the impression that they control the boundaries at home instead of their parents.
However, it’s worth considering the idea that children who seek attention through tantrums somehow really need that attention. They need to be heard and understood. Turning our backs on them and pretending we don't notice them is like telling them "I don't accept your feelings. I’ll leave you alone until you suppress them. I will love you again if you behave well.”
If our reaction to a temper tantrum is a crisis intervention, what can we do between the crises, in order to reduce their frequency and intensity? How can we help children become better at regulating their emotions? Expect the answers in our next article.
"No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. Published in 2014.
"The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. Published in 2011.
"This publication was created with the financial support of the Active Citizens Fund Bulgaria under the Financial Mechanism of the European Economic Area. The entire responsibility for the content of this publication lies with the Health and Social Development Foundation and under no circumstances can it be assumed that this publication reflects the official opinion of the Financial Mechanism of the European Economic Area and the Operator of the Active Citizens Fund Bulgaria."
Watoto wadogo huona ni vigumu kujidhibiti. Wanajifunza tu jinsi ya kudhibiti mwili wao, akili na hisia. Wakati mwingine hilo husababisha mlipuko mkali wa hisia, ukiambatana na kulia, kupiga kelele, kutikisa sakafuni, kupapasa-papasa mikono na miguu, au hata kupiga na kupiga. Maonyesho hayo, yanayoitwa hasira kali, si ishara kwamba mtoto ni mbaya, amechanganyikiwa, au ni mwenye kudanganya. Ni sehemu ya kawaida ya maendeleo kati ya umri wa miaka 1 na 4, wakati watoto kujifunza jinsi ya kuwa wenyewe, lakini hawajui bado nini watu wazima kupata kukubalika. Hata hivyo, ingawa ni jambo la kawaida, hasira ni jambo lisilo la kupendeza kwa wazazi na watoto. Ili kujifunza jinsi ya kushughulikia tatizo hilo, ni lazima kwanza tuelewe ni nini kinachosababisha hasira za mtoto. Ubongo waweza kugawanywa kwa sehemu mbili - ubongo wa "juu" na "chini". Kila moja ya sehemu hizo hufanya kazi tofauti. Ubongo wa juu unasimamia mantiki na sababu, wakati ubongo wa chini unadhibiti athari zetu za asili na hisia, na hisia kali kama vile hofu na hasira. Sehemu zote mbili za ubongo ni muhimu sana na zina fungu muhimu katika hali tofauti-tofauti. Kwa mfano, ubongo wa juu hutusaidia kupanga kazi fulani, lakini ubongo wa chini hutusaidia tukihitaji kutenda haraka tunapokabili hatari. Hata hivyo, katika watoto, ubongo wa juu haujaendelea vizuri bado. Kwa kweli, huendelea kukua kabisa baada ya umri wa miaka 20. Hii inamaanisha kwamba ubongo wa chini kwa watoto mara nyingi huchukua, haswa wakati wanahisi kusisitizwa, kuogopa au kutishwa. Katika pindi kama hizo, wao huitikia kwa ghafula sana na bila kujidhibiti. Ni vigumu kuwafanya wasije katika hali hiyo, kwa sababu tu ubongo wa juu umezimwa kwa muda. Basi twawezaje kuifungua tena? Hii sio kazi rahisi na kwa hakika haiwezi kutokea mara moja, kama kwamba tuna fimbo ya uchawi. Inaweza kuchukua dakika chache, robo saa au zaidi kwa ajili ya mtoto asili'mfumo wa kengele' kukaa chini na kuruhusu mtoto kuwa na uwezo wa kufikiri tena. Habari njema ni kwamba ikiwa tutafuata vidokezo hivi, tunaweza kugeuza hasira kuwa masomo yenye manufaa. Hatua kwa hatua, watoto watajifunza jinsi ya kukabiliana na hisia kali za kukata tamaa na hasira kwa kutopata njia yao, na watakuwa wasemaji bora. Jambo la muhimu ni kuimarisha mambo mawili. Kwanza, ni mipaka ambayo inashindana, na pili, ni imani ya mtoto kwamba ana upendo wetu na msaada bila masharti. Ni nini muhimu zaidi kufanya? 1. Uwe na mtazamo wa kweli Ili kumtuliza mtoto, ni muhimu kwanza kujituliza. Hii, bila shaka, ni vigumu sana, hasa wakati mtoto anapozunguka barabarani akilia au akipiga kelele sana dukani. Tatizo ni kwamba, ikiwa tunapoteza utulivu wetu, kuanza kupiga kelele, kumvuta mtoto kwa nguvu au kumtisha, tunaamsha ubongo wa chini zaidi na kuzuia ubongo wa juu. Hilo linazidisha tu hali hiyo. Kama abiria wa ndege ambao wameagizwa kuvaa masks yao ya oksijeni kabla ya kuwasaidia watoto katika hali ya dharura, wazazi wanahitaji kuwa na uwezo wa kujipunguza kwanza na kisha kujaribu kumtuliza mtoto. Kupumua kwa kina au kutoka nje ya chumba kwa muda mfupi kunaweza kusaidia. 2. Uwezekano wa kupata Kutoa faraja ya kimwili Kile ambacho ubongo wa chini huitikia vizuri ni kuwasiliana kimwili. Kumkaribia mtoto, kumshika kwa upole, kumkumbatia au kumshika mkono - matendo hayo yanaweza kusaidia kutuliza "dhoruba" ya kihisia-moyo iliyo ndani yake. Ni muhimu kwamba mtoto ahisi ukaribu wa kimwili na awe na uwezo wa kuegemea mwili wetu kwa ajili ya faraja. Ikiwa mtoto anakataa toleo letu, hakuna haja ya kusisitiza. Tunaweza tu kusema "Mimi niko hapa ikiwa unanihitaji". "Akasema, ""Ninaona kwamba hutaki msaada wangu sasa, lakini nitakuwapo kwako ikiwa unataka kukumbatia au kuzungumza.""" 3. Uwe na mtazamo wa kweli Tumia hisia za mtoto wako kama mfano: Kuelezea hisia zako kwa jina ni jambo la maana sana. Tunaweza kupunguza sana mkazo wetu kwa kusema tu jinsi tunavyohisi. Hata hivyo, si rahisi kufanya hivyo, hasa kwa watoto wachanga ambao wanajifunza tu kutambua hisia zao. Kwa kuongezea, hasira za hasira kwa kawaida ni matokeo ya hisia mbalimbali ambazo zimepita kiasi wakati fulani. Watoto wanaweza kuwa na hasira na huzuni, wanaweza kuhisi kukatishwa tamaa kwa sababu hawajui kufanya kazi, wanaweza kuwa na hofu kwamba mama na baba hawawapendi tena, wanaweza kuwa na wivu kwa mtu anayepokea uangalifu zaidi, na kadhalika. Hapa inakuja jukumu letu muhimu kama wazazi jina kwa ufupi hisia za mtoto wakati wa hasira tantrum, tangu wao si kuwa na uwezo wa kufanya hivyo peke yao (na kuuliza kama uhakika nini hisia ni). Kwa njia hiyo mtoto wetu atajua kwamba hisia zake zinathaminiwa na kuheshimiwa. "Kwa mfano, ""Ninaona wewe ni hasira sana kwamba hatuwezi kununua kwamba toy gari. """ Unatamani unenge chochote unachotaka kwenye duka hilo". 4. Uwe na uhakika Wakati mwingine sisi ni tayari kukubali mahitaji yoyote ambayo mtoto wetu anaweza kuwa nayo, tu ili wao kuacha kutupa tantrums na kufanya eneo. Ili kuwapunguza fikira, tunawapa vitu vya kuchezea au vitamu au tunawapa simu zetu za mkononi. Nyakati nyingine tunafaulu kuvumilia kwa dakika kumi au ishirini, lakini hatimaye hatuwezi kuvumilia tena na kurudi nyuma. Kwa bahati mbaya, ikiwa tunakubali kununua kichezeo, kuongeza muda wa skrini au kutoa matakwa mengine dhidi ya sheria, tunampa mtoto ujumbe mbaya sana. Yaani, kwamba mipaka si muhimu sana na kwamba aina hii ya tabia ni ya faida. Wakati mwingine mtoto anapokasirika, watatarajia thawabu yao. "Kujaribu kuamua mipaka ya maisha yako na jinsi ya kuifuatia, soma makala ""Kuweka Mipaka: Jinsi ya Kufanya Hivyo Kwa Ufanisi"" (Sehemu ya 2)." Usiende katika maelezo marefu Wakati ubongo wa chini hufanya kazi kutengwa kutoka ubongo wa juu, ni karibu haiwezekani kutatua hali na maelezo ya busara. Kwa sisi kunaweza kuwa na suluhisho la kimantiki kabisa kwa tatizo, lakini katika hali hii mtoto hawezi kuiona. Hata kama maelezo yetu ya kina yanatolewa kwa sauti yenye kutuliza, tunahatarisha kumchanganya na kumkasirisha mtoto, ambaye bado hana msamiati wa kutosha. Ni afadhali kushikamana na sentensi chache fupi na kisha kukaa kimya wakati wa kuthibitisha starehe ya kimwili. 6. Uwe na uhakika Mzungumze kuhusu hali hiyo baada ya mtoto kutulia, kuacha kulia, na kupumzika. Sasa ni rahisi kuzungumza na mtoto kuhusu kilichotokea kwa sababu amepata udhibiti wa ubongo wake wa juu. Wakati huu ni wakati wa kujadili hisia na tabia ya mtoto, jinsi hasira ya hasira ingeweza kuzuiwa na jinsi ya kukabiliana na wakati ujao. Bila shaka, tunapaswa kutumia lugha inayofaa umri wetu. "Kwa mfano, kwa mtoto mwenye umri wa miaka mitatu au minne, tunaweza kusema hivi: ""Mpendwa, najua jinsi ulivyotaka kipande kingine cha keki na jinsi ulivyokasirika nilipokataa." Ni jambo la kawaida kuhisi hasira. Hata hivyo, hukuruhusiwa kupiga kelele na kupiga miguu wengine. Kupiga miguu huumiza, kama vile kupiga kelele kwa sauti kubwa. Wakati mwingine tu kuniambia jinsi hasira wewe ni na tutaweza kuzungumza juu yake, sawa?" Lakini je, hatuwezi kupuuza hasira hiyo hadi itakapokwisha? Wataalamu wa afya wanashauri wazazi wasipuuze hasira za mtoto wao na watu wanaomzunguka. Kwa maoni yao, watoto hujipiga kelele ili kupata uangalifu na kwa hivyo kila hatua ya wazazi (haijalishi ya kuunga mkono au kutisha) huimarisha tabia hiyo. Ikiwa wazazi wanaonyesha uangalifu wa kupita kiasi, hisia kali sana, au maelezo marefu, ambayo yanaonekana kama udhuru, watoto wanaweza kuachwa na hisia kwamba wao ndio wanaodhibiti mipaka nyumbani badala ya wazazi wao. Hata hivyo, ni muhimu kufikiria wazo kwamba watoto wanaotafuta uangalifu kupitia hasira kwa njia fulani wanahitaji uangalifu huo. Wanahitaji kusikilizwa na kueleweka. "Kuwageukia na kujifanya kuwa hatuwaoni ni kama kuwaambia, ""Sikubali hisia zako.""" Mimi itabidi kuondoka wewe peke yake mpaka wewe kukandamiza yao. Nitakupenda tena ikiwa utajiendesha vizuri. <unk> Ikiwa athari yetu kwa hasira ni uingiliaji wa mgogoro, tunaweza kufanya nini kati ya mgogoro, ili kupunguza mzunguko wao na nguvu? Unawezaje kuwasaidia watoto wako wawe na uwezo wa kudhibiti hisia zao? Tazamia majibu katika makala yetu inayofuata. "Nidhamu ya ""Hakuna Drama: Njia ya Ubongo Wote ya Kutuliza Mchafuko na Kulisha Akili ya Mtoto Wako"" na Dk Daniel Siegel na Dk Tina Payne Bryson" Ilichapishwa mnamo 2014. "Mwanzo wa ""Mwanzo wa Ubongo Mzima"" - Mkakati wa 12 wa Kivutio cha Kulea Akili ya Mtoto Wako - Daniel Siegel na Tina Payne Bryson" Ilichapishwa mnamo 2011. "Uchapishaji huu uliundwa kwa msaada wa kifedha wa Active Citizens Fund Bulgaria chini ya Utaratibu wa Fedha wa Eneo la Uchumi la Ulaya. "Jukumu la maudhui ya chapisho hili ni juu ya Shirika la Afya na Maendeleo ya Jamii na kwa hali yoyote haiwezi kudhani kuwa chapisho hili linaonyesha maoni rasmi ya Mfumo wa Fedha wa Eneo la Kiuchumi la Ulaya na Msimamizi wa Mfuko wa Wananchi wa Active Bulgaria. """