As parents, we spend endless amounts of time worrying about the safety of our children. We seek to minimize risk and protect our kids from the cruelty of the world around us. But risk is not limited to the outside world. The hard truth is that often the people who harm children are not strangers lurking at school bus stops, but trusted members of our inner circles. In fact, according to RAINN, only 7% percent of perpetrators of sexual abuse against children are strangers. The remaining 93% of abusers are acquaintances and family members.
I was a child abuse investigator for over a decade and the fact of the matter is, this subject is taboo in normal conversations. But just because it’s uncomfortable, doesn’t mean we skip teaching safety habits for kids — even our youngest children.
Sexual abuse is a dark part of our society and can be an uncomfortable subject to broach in our own households. Many parents struggle to find the words to discuss these things with their children on a regular basis. Often we only talk about strangers and “good touch/bad touch”. Even more often, people depend on schools and teachers to provide safety training for their children, which limits their exposure to this information until they are school age. But as soon as your child has language, they can and need to be talking about their bodies. This means these are conversations that should be happening in some form by the age of 2. It’s never too early or too late to start this dialogue and please do it sooner than later. I’ve watched kids as young as 3 become critical parts of their own investigations because they had such a good grasp of proper language. It’s an amazing and empowering thing to witness.
These are 3 healthy body safety habits for toddlers I work on right now with my 2 year old:
1. Use proper words for body parts.
We teach our kids the correct words for everything else, right? Eyes are eyes. Lips are lips. Knees are knees. Vaginas are vaginas and penises are penises. I totally understand it can feel a little weird at first to use these words while looking at their cute little faces. But believe me when I say it is an invaluable tool for their overall body awareness and safety. Yes, through the use of anatomy identification during an interview, a trained professional will be able to discern what a child means if they use the word “cookie” instead of “vagina” but why? Your child needs to be able to identify their own body parts as soon as possible for the simple purpose of being able to get help when needed.
This is a tool not limited just to the scope of sexual abuse. If your daughter sprained her ankle at school, would you want a teacher to have to figure out what she meant because she called it her “special place?” No, of course not. If you have discomfort talking about body parts, your child will have discomfort as well and this creates a potential to perpetuate an abusive situation. There are only so many things we can control in this world and this is a wonderful way to empower yourself and your child at a very early age.
2. Don’t use the word “secret”.
It may sound drastic but we don’t allow the word “secret” in our house. The old saying “secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone” doesn’t just refer to playground banter. By definition, a secret is “something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown to others”. Perpetrators of sexual abuse use secrets to keep their behavior between them and the child they are hurting. So keeping a secret, even about things as simple as birthday presents, is simply a no-no.
But don’t worry, there’s an equally simple solution: use the word surprise! A present for daddy’s birthday can be surprise because eventually, daddy will know what it is. And that is the difference between a surprise and a secret: surprises are meant to be shared with others. Teach your kids that secrets are not okay at home and it will stand out to them if and when an adult attempts to use that word with them.
3. Give politeness a rest.
I think there’s been a positive movement in listening to kids when it comes to their personal space and bodies. In my house, when it comes to touches, we take “no” and “stop it” seriously. I further encourage parents to ease up on the use of “no thank you” when it comes to unwanted touches. There’s a social responsibility to encourage politeness in children. Yet, when it comes to our bodies, we all need a voice that is strong and unapologetic. As an adult, being groped would not be met with a thank you. Children have the same right to be heard loud and clear.
Teaching a child that they have to be polite while protecting themselves from discomfort is contradictory and confusing. On the flip side, teaching them to use strong voices to stop unwanted touches, even from loved ones, gives them confidence they need to use the same voice with strangers. “No means No” starts early for both boys and girls alike. Additionally, that extends to whatever form of “no” they choose to create their space with. Empower this within them!
So that’s how we start these conversations to build body safety habits for toddlers.
It’s possible even with the smallest around us. And just like every good thing, these talks take practice to master. There are opportunities in our every day to have these conversations. For me, the easiest is bath time when I’m helping my child get dressed. But that doesn’t have to be the same for your family. These conversations shift and grow just as our little ones do. Soon, we’ll have to have safety talks about other things like sex, drugs and guns (gahh!). Our babies are sponges and the payoffs of these simple exercises in language and communication are enormous. Not only will your child slowly but surely develop important ways to express themselves, but you will empower yourself as a parent to have a steady dialogue with your kid that can expand on itself through the years.
Kama wazazi, sisi hutumia muda mwingi sana kuhofu usalama wa watoto wetu. Tunatafuta kupunguza hatari na kuwalinda watoto wetu kutokana na ukatili wa ulimwengu unaotuzunguka. Lakini hatari haipatikani tu katika ulimwengu wa nje. Ukweli ni kwamba mara nyingi watu wanaowadhuru watoto si wageni wanaowinda kwenye vituo vya mabasi ya shule, bali ni wanachama waaminifu wa mzunguko wetu wa ndani. Kulingana na RAINN, ni asilimia 7 tu ya wahalifu wa unyanyasaji wa kingono dhidi ya watoto ni wageni. Asilimia 93 ya wale wanaotumia vibaya wengine ni watu wa ukoo na marafiki. """Nilikuwa mtafiti wa unyanyasaji wa watoto kwa zaidi ya miaka kumi na ukweli wa jambo ni kwamba mada hii ni tabu katika mazungumzo ya kawaida." Lakini kwa sababu tu ni isiyo ya starehe, haimaanishi kwamba tunakosa kufundisha tabia za usalama kwa watoto - hata watoto wetu wadogo. Uonevu wa kingono ni sehemu ya giza ya jamii yetu na inaweza kuwa mada isiyofaa kujadiliwa katika nyumba zetu wenyewe. Wazazi wengi wanajitahidi sana kupata maneno ya kuzungumzia mambo hayo na watoto wao kwa ukawaida. Mara nyingi sisi tu kuzungumza juu ya wageni na <unk>touch nzuri <unk>touch mbaya<unk>. Hata mara nyingi zaidi, watu hutegemea shule na walimu kutoa mafunzo ya usalama kwa watoto wao, ambayo hupunguza mfiduo wao kwa habari hii hadi wanapokuwa na umri wa shule. Lakini mara tu mtoto wako anapopata lugha, anaweza na anahitaji kuzungumza juu ya miili yake. Hii inamaanisha kuwa mazungumzo haya yanapaswa kuwa yanatokea kwa namna fulani kufikia umri wa miaka miwili. Ni kamwe mapema mno au kuchelewa mno kuanza mazungumzo haya na tafadhali kufanya hivyo mapema kuliko baadaye. """Nimeona watoto wenye umri wa miaka mitatu wakifanya kazi muhimu katika uchunguzi wao wenyewe kwa sababu walikuwa na ufahamu mzuri wa lugha sahihi." Ni jambo la kushangaza na lenye kuimarisha kushuhudia. Kuna njia tatu za afya za watoto wadogo ambazo ninaweza kuwapa watoto wangu wa miaka miwili: Tumia maneno yanayofaa kwa ajili ya sehemu za mwili. Tunawafundisha watoto wetu maneno sahihi kwa kila kitu kingine, sivyo? Macho ni macho. Midomo ni midomo. Magoti ni magoti. Vaginas ni vaginas na penis ni penis. Mimi kabisa kuelewa inaweza kujisikia kidogo weird kwanza kutumia maneno haya wakati kuangalia nyuso zao cute kidogo. Lakini niamini mimi wakati nasema ni chombo cha thamani kwa ajili ya ufahamu wao wa jumla wa mwili na usalama. Ndiyo, kupitia matumizi ya utambulisho wa anatomy wakati wa mahojiano, mtaalamu aliyezoezwa ataweza kutambua nini mtoto anamaanisha ikiwa wanatumia neno <unk>cookie<unk> badala ya <unk>vagina<unk> lakini kwa nini? Mtoto wako anahitaji kujua sehemu za mwili wake haraka iwezekanavyo ili aweze kupata msaada wakati anahitaji. Hii ni chombo ambacho hakipungukiwi tu na wigo wa unyanyasaji wa kingono. "Ikiwa binti yako amevunja mguu shuleni, je, ungependa mwalimu awe na kujua maana yake kwa sababu aliliita ""mahali pake pa pekee""?" Ikiwa wewe ni wasiwasi kuhusu kuzungumza juu ya sehemu za mwili, mtoto wako atakuwa na wasiwasi pia na hii huunda uwezekano wa kudumisha hali ya unyanyasaji. Kuna mambo mengi tu tunaweza kudhibiti katika ulimwengu huu na hii ni njia ya ajabu ya kuimarisha wewe na mtoto wako katika umri mdogo sana. 2. Uwezekano wa kupata Usitumie neno "siri". Huenda ikasikika kuwa jambo gumu lakini hatukubali neno "siri" katika nyumba yetu. Mithali ya zamani <unk> siri siri si furaha, siri siri kuumiza mtu <unk> haina tu inahusu burudani uwanja wa michezo. Kwa ufafanuzi, siri ni "kitu kinachohifadhiwa au kinachokusudiwa kuhifadhiwa bila kujulikana kwa wengine". Wafanyabiashara wa ngono hutumia siri ili kuhifadhi tabia zao kati yao na mtoto wanaomdhuru. Kuhifadhi siri, hata kuhusu mambo sahili kama zawadi za siku ya kuzaliwa, ni jambo lisilo la kawaida. Lakini usijali, kuna suluhisho rahisi vilevile: tumia neno mshangao! Zawadi kwa ajili ya siku ya kuzaliwa ya baba inaweza kuwa mshangao kwa sababu hatimaye, baba atajua ni nini. Na hiyo ni tofauti kati ya mshangao na siri: mshangao ni kwa ajili ya kushirikiana na wengine. Wafundishe watoto wako kuwa siri hazikubaliwi nyumbani na itaonekana kwao ikiwa na wakati mtu mzima anajaribu kutumia neno hilo nao. 3. Uwe na mtazamo wa kweli Acha adabu iwe na faida. Nadhani kumekuwa na harakati nzuri katika kusikiliza watoto linapokuja suala la nafasi yao ya kibinafsi na miili. Katika nyumba yangu, tunapozungumza juu ya kugusa, sisi huona "la" na "uache" kwa uzito. Mimi pia kuhamasisha wazazi kupunguza juu ya matumizi ya <unk>no asante<unk> linapokuja kugusa zisizohitajika. Kuna wajibu wa kijamii kuhamasisha adabu katika watoto. Hata hivyo, tunapozungumzia mambo ya mwili, sote tunahitaji sauti yenye nguvu na isiyo na majuto. Kama mtu mzima, kukamatwa hakungekubaliwa kwa shukrani. Watoto wana haki sawa ya kusikilizwa kwa sauti kubwa na wazi. Kumfundisha mtoto kuwa ni lazima awe mwenye adabu huku akijilinda kutokana na usumbufu ni jambo linalopingana na lenye kutatanisha. Kwa upande mwingine, kuwafundisha kutumia sauti kali ili kuzuia kugusa zisizohitajika, hata kutoka kwa wapendwa, huwapa ujasiri wanaohitaji kutumia sauti hiyo hiyo na wageni. "Hapana inamaanisha Hapana" huanza mapema kwa wavulana na wasichana vilevile. Kwa kuongezea, hiyo inaenea kwa aina yoyote ya <unk>no<unk> wanachagua kuunda nafasi yao na. Wape nguvu hii ndani yao! Hivyo ndivyo tunavyoanza mazungumzo haya kujenga tabia za usalama wa mwili kwa watoto wachanga. Inawezekana hata kwa wadogo zaidi walio karibu nasi. Kama ilivyo na kila kitu kingine kizuri, mazungumzo haya yanahitaji mazoezi ili kuyajua. Kuna fursa katika maisha yetu ya kila siku ya kuwa na mazungumzo kama haya. Kwangu, rahisi zaidi ni wakati wa kuoga ninapomsaidia mtoto wangu kuvaa. Lakini hilo halipaswi kuwa sawa kwa familia yako. Mazungumzo haya hubadilika na kukua kama vile watoto wetu wanavyofanya. Hivi karibuni, tutakuwa na mazungumzo ya usalama kuhusu mambo mengine kama ngono, dawa za kulevya na bunduki (gahh!). Watoto wetu ni sifongo na faida za mazoezi haya rahisi ya lugha na mawasiliano ni kubwa sana. Si tu mtoto wako polepole lakini hakika kuendeleza njia muhimu ya kujieleza, lakini wewe kuwezesha mwenyewe kama mzazi kuwa na mazungumzo ya kudumu na mtoto wako ambayo inaweza kupanua juu yake mwenyewe kwa miaka.