Everyone gets angry, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The ability to process our emotional states, to know where they are coming from, what they mean and then take the appropriate action is the key to managing anger. It is not that we get angry it is how we get angry that is important.
Anger is considered to be an emotional response to a threat or attack on our sense of well being. It is a negative constellation of emotional states. Anger is considered to be a secondary emotion that is stimulated by primary emotional states. These emotional states may be: hurt feelings, emotional pain, shame, guilt, or sadness. Anger is our own activity; it is our subjective response to reality. To learn new methods of being angry we have to learn how to calm down and then learn how to express our anger from the perspective of what is hurting us or what we need that is not being met.
Our anger style is determined by our attitudes toward life. When our expectations toward life are not met we may become angry. For example if we believe that life should be fair and then we are in a situation which is not, we will respond with anger. Attitudes are a carry over from childhood where we learn or don’t learn how to interact appropriately with the way life is. Attitudes towards life and others must be consistent with reality to relieve anger. Anger is the result of our expectations from life that have not been met. The ability to develop realistic expectations for oneself and others will help to eliminate anger problems.
Anger is always consistent with a person’s self image. Self contempt, inadequacy, worthless, powerless and helpless self images cause anger when these emotional wounds are stimulated. Self respect and a positive self image are critically important in managing anger. People without self respect or a positive self image cannot tolerate conflict or absorb criticism from others.
Self respect is the ability to see oneself as a worthwhile human being who has inconsistencies, inadequacies, foibles and faults just like everyone else. Self respect allows us to operate from a position of strength. The ability to resolve conflict, negotiate or collaborate is based on self respect.
The Inability to be responsible for Anger
Most anger is directed toward others and involves blame. People who experience anger problems do not take responsibility for their anger and refuse to see where they are wrong. This person refuses to be wrong or be at fault for being angry. The inability to be wrong or take responsibility for our anger may be a defense against humiliation, shame from feeling inadequate, stupid, worthless, or weak. The inability to be wrong is consistent with wrong attitudes about life and must be made consistent if anger is to be resolved. Every time we make being right more important than the relationship the relationship suffers. The inability to accept responsibility for being wrong or our own anger, it blocks our ability to resolve anger and conflict. If our attitude about conflict is that we are right and justified then we will never be able to have an intimate relationship that lasts. Our ability to take responsibility for our own anger and where it comes from and our willingness to apologize if necessary is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
Being the Victim
Anger is often based on feelings like we are the victim and the other one is bad dynamic. We feel that we are entitled to be angry because we are the victim. Someone has done us wrong and they must be punished. First and foremost we must understand and accept that our anger belongs exclusively to us. It is our subjective response to another person and someone else in the same situation could or would respond differently. Learning to calm down, think about what is bothering us and to communicate that pain or frustration in a calm manner will most often lead to an effective resolution.
Self talk – Diffusing anger through talking oneself through an angry situation by utilizing tolerance, compassion, understanding, and empathy, enables us to stop the anger. Stopping, taking a time out to listen to the inner process allows us to calm down. Once we can stop before expressing anger and think about what is causing it then we can better understand where it is that we are being stimulated to become angry.
The ability to understand that we all have imperfections, faults, inconsistencies and foibles helps to diffuse anger. We cannot work out of a model of an ideal relationship or an ideal mate or self and not become angry. The ability to see into the roots of our own anger in relation to our feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, worthlessness or pain, sadness and guilt is the key to diffusing anger. Working with others to resolve anger involves, self talk, taking a time out to calm down, considering the deeper issues that are being stimulated, and learning to talk about our reactions while working out solutions.
Empathy is the ability to see into the other person from their point of view. It is a leap of compassion or vicarious introspection into the mind and feelings of the other. Empathy can be either emotional or intellectual and works best when it is both. The point where resolution begins is from our ability to grasp the experience of the other. Knowing how and where our own feelings are being stimulated is the secondary process of empathy.
Angry states can occur when we are unable to distinguish between aggression and other states of being because we interpret a behavior as aggressive when it is may not be. The difficulty in seeing the actions of others as non aggressive is an important quality in anger management. Be sure to always check out our assumptions before we react.
Alternatives to Anger
It is supremely important to develop alternatives to anger when faced with it. Most people who have trouble with anger have been unable to develop choices as to how they want to express their angry feelings. For example if someone cannot express hurt feelings and instead becomes angry whenever they are hurt has not found alternate means for expressing anger.
Four Basic Emotion Needs
The fundamental understanding of where anger comes from must include an acceptance that we have basic needs and if they are not met we become angry. If we come to terms with our basic emotional needs and work out a need satisfying relationship then we are in the process of rooting out the source of our anger before it becomes a problem.
Personal empowerment, self knowledge, self talk, learning to calm oneself down in the face of anger are the important challenges of anger management. Anger is always self destructive, counter productive and self defeating. The more one can relieve anger and self criticism through developing realistic attitudes about life and learn about good relationship skills that aim at satisfying basic needs for security the better we will be able to manage our anger.
Practice taking time outs to consider where your anger is coming from, then think about what is happening with the other person and what can be done to alleviate the pain, then you are ready to talk.
Please feel free contact Dr Bill Cloke today with any questions
Kila mtu hukasirika, lakini si kila mtu anayejua jinsi ya kuushughulikia. Uwezo wa kuchanganua hali zetu za kihisia, kujua zinatokana na wapi, zina maana gani, na kisha kuchukua hatua sahihi ni ufunguo wa kusimamia hasira. Si kwamba tuna hasira, ni jinsi tunavyo hasira ambayo ni muhimu. Hasira ni hisia ya kujibu tishio au shambulio kwa hisia zetu. Ni kundi la nyota hasi la hali za kihisia-moyo. Hasira huonwa kuwa hisia ya pili ambayo huchochewa na hali za msingi za kihisia-moyo. Hali hizo za kihisia-moyo zaweza kuwa: hisia zilizojeruhiwa, maumivu ya kihisia-moyo, aibu, hatia, au huzuni. Hasira ni utendaji wetu wenyewe; ni mwitikio wetu wa kibinafsi kwa hali halisi. Ili kujifunza mbinu mpya za kuwa na hasira, ni lazima tujifunze jinsi ya kutulia na kisha kujifunza jinsi ya kuelezea hasira yetu kutoka kwa mtazamo wa kile kinachotuumiza au kile tunachohitaji ambacho hakitimizwi. Mtindo wetu wa hasira huamuliwa na mtazamo wetu kuelekea maisha. Matarajio yetu ya maisha yanapokosa kutimizwa, huenda tukakasirika. Kwa mfano, ikiwa tunaamini kwamba maisha yanapaswa kuwa ya haki na kisha tuko katika hali ambayo si hivyo, tutajibu kwa hasira. Mtazamo ni kubeba juu kutoka utotoni ambapo sisi kujifunza au si kujifunza jinsi ya kuingiliana ipasavyo na njia ya maisha ni. Mtazamo kuelekea maisha na wengine lazima uwe sawa na hali halisi ili kupunguza hasira. Hasira ni matokeo ya matarajio yetu kutoka kwa maisha ambayo hayajatimizwa. Uwezo wa kuwa na matarajio ya kweli kwa ajili yako mwenyewe na kwa wengine utasaidia kuondoa matatizo ya hasira. Hasira sikuzote huambatana na jinsi mtu anavyojiona. Kujidharau, kutokuwa na uwezo, kutokuwa na thamani, kutokuwa na nguvu na kujiona kuwa mtu asiye na msaada husababisha hasira wakati majeraha haya ya kihisia yanapochochewa. Kuheshimu nafsi na kuwa na maoni mazuri juu yake ni muhimu sana katika kudhibiti hasira. Watu wasiojiheshimu au kuwa na maoni mazuri juu yao wenyewe hawawezi kuvumilia migogoro au kukosolewa na wengine. Heshima ya kibinafsi ni uwezo wa kujiona kama binadamu mwenye thamani ambaye ana kutoelewana, kutokamilika, udhaifu na makosa kama kila mtu mwingine. Kujiheshimu hutusaidia kufanya kazi kutoka kwa msimamo wenye nguvu. Uwezo wa kutatua migogoro, kujadili au kushirikiana unategemea kujistahi. Uwezo wa kuwajibika kwa hasira Hasira nyingi huelekezwa kwa wengine na huhusisha kulaumu. Watu wanaokabili matatizo ya hasira hawachukui daraka la hasira yao na hukataa kuona mahali walipo kosa. Mtu huyu anakataa kuwa na makosa au kuwa na hatia kwa sababu ya kukasirika. Kutokuwa na uwezo wa kuwa na makosa au kuchukua jukumu la hasira yetu inaweza kuwa ulinzi dhidi ya kudhalilishwa, aibu ya kujisikia kukosa, bubu, asiye na thamani, au dhaifu. Kutokuwa na uwezo wa kuwa na makosa ni sawa na mtazamo mbaya juu ya maisha na lazima kufanywa kuwa sawa ikiwa hasira itatatua. Kila mara tunapofanya kuwa sahihi kuwa muhimu zaidi kuliko uhusiano, uhusiano unateseka. Kutokuwa na uwezo wa kukubali kuwa na hatia ya kuwa na makosa au hasira yetu, huzuia uwezo wetu wa kutatua hasira na mgogoro. Kama mtazamo wetu kuhusu mgogoro ni kwamba sisi ni haki na haki basi sisi kamwe kuwa na uwezo wa kuwa na uhusiano wa karibu kwamba kudumu. Uwezo wetu wa kuchukua jukumu la hasira yetu na mahali inapotoka na utayari wetu wa kuomba msamaha ikiwa ni lazima ni jiwe la msingi la mahusiano yote ya afya. Hasira ya kuwa mhasiriwa mara nyingi hutegemea hisia kama sisi ni mhasiriwa na mwingine ni nguvu mbaya. Tunafikiri kwamba tuna haki ya kukasirika kwa sababu sisi ndio tunaokosewa. Mtu fulani ametutendea vibaya na lazima awaadhibu. Kwanza kabisa ni lazima tuelewe na kukubali kwamba hasira yetu ni yetu tu. Ni majibu yetu ya kibinafsi kwa mtu mwingine na mtu mwingine katika hali hiyo hiyo angeweza au angejibu tofauti. Kujifunza kutulia, kufikiria kile kinachotutaabisha na kuwasiliana maumivu au kukatishwa tamaa kwa njia ya utulivu mara nyingi itasababisha suluhisho la ufanisi. Kuzungumza na mwenyewe <unk> Kuondoa hasira kwa kuzungumza na mwenyewe kupitia hali ya hasira kwa kutumia uvumilivu, huruma, uelewa, na hisia-mwenzi, hutusaidia kuzuia hasira. Kukaa na kusikiliza mambo ya ndani kunatuwezesha kutulia. Mara tu tunapomalizia kuelezea hasira na kufikiria ni nini kinachosababisha, basi tunaweza kuelewa vizuri ni wapi tunasukumwa kukasirika. Uwezo wa kuelewa kwamba sisi sote tuna kasoro, makosa, kutopatana na udhaifu husaidia kuondoa hasira. Hatuwezi kufanya kazi kutoka kwa mfano wa uhusiano bora au mwenzi bora au nafsi na tusiwe na hasira. Uwezo wa kuona mizizi ya hasira yetu mwenyewe katika uhusiano na hisia zetu za kutostahili, kutokuwa na nguvu, kutokuwa na thamani au maumivu, huzuni na hatia ni ufunguo wa kuondoa hasira. Kufanya kazi na wengine ili kutatua hasira inahusisha, kuzungumza na wewe mwenyewe, kuchukua muda wa kutulia, kuzingatia masuala ya kina ambayo yanachochewa, na kujifunza kuzungumza juu ya athari zetu wakati wa kufanya ufumbuzi. Uelewaji ni uwezo wa kuona ndani ya mtu mwingine kutoka kwa mtazamo wake. Ni kuruka kwa huruma au introspection ya badala katika akili na hisia za mwingine. Hisia-mwenzi zaweza kuwa za kihisia-moyo au za kiakili na hufanya kazi vizuri zaidi zinapokuwa zote mbili. Ufumbuzi huanza kutoka kwa uwezo wetu wa kuelewa uzoefu wa mwingine. Kujua jinsi na mahali ambapo hisia zetu zinasisitizwa ni mchakato wa pili wa hisia-mwenzi. Hali ya hasira inaweza kutokea wakati hatuwezi kutofautisha kati ya unyanyasaji na hali nyingine za kuwa kwa sababu tunafasiri tabia kama ya unyanyasaji wakati inaweza kuwa sio. Ugumu wa kuona matendo ya wengine kuwa yasiyo ya jeuri ni sifa muhimu katika usimamizi wa hasira. Hakikisha daima kuangalia dhana zetu kabla ya kuitikia. Njia Mbadala za Hasira Ni muhimu sana kutengeneza njia mbadala za hasira unapokabiliwa nayo. Watu wengi wanaosumbuliwa na hasira hawawezi kuchagua jinsi ya kueleza hisia zao za hasira. Kwa mfano, mtu ambaye hawezi kueleza hisia zake za kukasirika na badala yake anakasirika kila anapojeruhiwa, hajawahi kupata njia nyingine ya kueleza hasira. "Mtazamo wa msingi wa ""mahitaji ya msingi ya hisia"" ni kwamba, ikiwa tunakubali kwamba tunahitaji mahitaji ya msingi, na ikiwa hayajatimizwa, tunakasirika." Kama tunakubaliana na mahitaji yetu ya msingi ya kihisia na kufanya kazi ya mahitaji ya kuridhisha uhusiano, basi tuko katika mchakato wa kuondoa chanzo cha hasira yetu kabla ya kuwa tatizo. Kujiwezesha binafsi, ujuzi wa kibinafsi, kuzungumza na mwenyewe, kujifunza kujipunguza mbele ya hasira ni changamoto muhimu za usimamizi wa hasira. Hasira sikuzote hujiangamiza yenyewe, huathiri na kuharibu nafsi. Kadiri mtu anavyoweza kuondoa hasira na kujikosoa kwa kuendeleza mitazamo ya kweli kuhusu maisha na kujifunza juu ya ujuzi mzuri wa uhusiano ambao unakusudia kuridhisha mahitaji ya msingi ya usalama, ndivyo tutakavyoweza kusimamia hasira yetu. "Kufanya mazoezi ya kuchukua muda wa kufikiria ni wapi hasira yako inatokana, kisha fikiria kile kinachotokea kwa mtu mwingine na nini kinachoweza kufanywa ili kupunguza maumivu, kisha uko tayari kuzungumza. """ Tafadhali jisikie huru kuwasiliana na Daktari Bill Cloke leo na maswali yoyote