While it’s probably a good idea to shield young children from a constant onslaught of media reports of death and violence, there are times when talking about death with kids cannot, and shouldn’t, be avoided.
Children observe from a young age that things around them in nature such as plants and insects don’t live forever. But their understanding of life and death really depends on their level of cognitive development. When someone in the family dies, or perhaps when a much-loved pet dies, it can be uncomfortable for some adults to see children not reacting the same way a grown-up would.
Infants and toddlers may be aware people around them are sad but really have no understanding of the meaning or significance of death. Preschool aged children may deny the reality of death, and see it as being temporary and reversible. When someone has been ill for a long time, adults may have been worrying and preparing for such a long time that even though it is very painful, there’s also a feeling of relief, especially if there’s been an end to someone’s suffering. But sometimes death can be sudden and unexpected. Children will pick up on the fact that people are shocked as well as grieving.
It’s best to be honest with children because otherwise it can be very confusing. Since younger children tend to see the world in a very literal way, the explanation needs to be in really basic and concrete terms. For example, if a loved one is elderly or has been poorly for a long time, you might explain that the person’s body stopped working and the doctors couldn’t fix it. It’s concrete; it’s simple; it’s at a basic level.
If a parent is diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness, children will start to become aware of some of the consequences of living with illness within the family. For example: mum’s less able to do particular things, or dad can’t go to work anymore. Quite often in this sort of situation, children will start to be curious and ask questions, and in some ways that makes it easier for parents to start the conversation, because children are signalling an interest in talking about it. Kids need to get some kind of simple primitive understanding of what’s going on – just enough to satisfy their curiosity. The danger is trying to over-explain, and providing more information then they need, or getting into deception and half-truths. For example if someone is seriously ill or has died, and you’re creating an illusion that the person’s gone missing, or they’ve gone away for a long holiday, or they’ve gone to sleep. This tends to backfire in the long run.
As children move through primary school, they start to have a greater understanding of the permanence of death, but they still may not readily accept it, or really understand the causes of it. So it’s not until they reach adolescence that the whole notion of the life cycle and the permanence of death is really, fully grasped.
If kids have been growing up in a home where it’s okay to talk about your emotions and feelings, then they’ll have a better capacity to express something that may be painful, or confusing, or upsetting. You don’t have to feel like you should never cry in front of the children. Loss is something that can be experienced at anytime. The more we try to bury the difficult emotions of dealing with loss and grieving and protect children from something that is a normal healthy process – tuck them away and try to pretend it’s not happening – the harder it can be for them to get over it.
A child may worry that death could easily happen to them, too. The most important thing is to answer the child’s questions honestly, to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness, and also safety. The child needs to know that even though mum or dad are terribly upset by this, they will get over it and the child will be safe and cared for.
For many families, religion provides people with a great deal of comfort, particularly at a time of grieving and of loss. But irrespective of a person’s religious beliefs, there is a coping process allows us to, given time, be able to deal with and accept what has happened.
Ingawa labda ni wazo zuri kulinda watoto wadogo kutoka kwa mashambulizi ya mara kwa mara ya ripoti za vyombo vya habari za kifo na vurugu, kuna wakati ambapo kuzungumza juu ya kifo na watoto haiwezi, na haipaswi, kuepukwa. Watoto huona tangu utotoni kwamba vitu vinavyowazunguka katika asili kama vile mimea na wadudu haviishi milele. Lakini uelewa wao wa maisha na kifo unategemea kiwango chao cha maendeleo ya utambuzi. Wakati mtu fulani katika familia anakufa, au labda wakati mnyama anayependwa sana anakufa, inaweza kuwa vigumu kwa watu wazima kuona watoto wakitenda kwa njia tofauti na ya mtu mzima. Watoto wadogo wanaweza kuwa na ufahamu kwamba watu wanaowazunguka ni wa huzuni lakini kwa kweli hawana uelewa wa maana au umuhimu wa kifo. Watoto wa umri wa kabla ya kwenda shuleni huenda wakakataa ukweli wa kifo, na kuiona kuwa ya muda tu na inayoweza kubadilishwa. Wakati mtu amekuwa mgonjwa kwa muda mrefu, watu wazima wanaweza kuwa na wasiwasi na kujitayarisha kwa muda mrefu sana kwamba hata ingawa ni chungu sana, pia kuna hisia ya misaada, hasa kama kuna mwisho wa mateso ya mtu. Lakini nyakati nyingine kifo chaweza kuwa cha ghafula na kisichotazamiwa. Watoto watagundua kwamba watu wanashtuka na pia wanahuzunika. Ni afadhali kuwa mnyoofu kwa watoto kwa sababu la sivyo inaweza kuwa yenye kutatanisha sana. Kwa kuwa watoto wadogo huona ulimwengu kwa njia ya kawaida, ni lazima ueleze mambo kwa njia ya msingi na ya kweli. Kwa mfano, ikiwa mtu unayempenda ni mzee au amekuwa mgonjwa kwa muda mrefu, unaweza kumweleza kwamba mwili wake umeacha kufanya kazi na madaktari hawawezi kurekebisha hali hiyo. Ni halisi; ni rahisi; ni katika ngazi ya msingi. Ikiwa mzazi anaugua ugonjwa mbaya au wa mwisho, watoto wataanza kufahamu baadhi ya matokeo ya kuishi na ugonjwa ndani ya familia. Kwa mfano: mama hawezi kufanya mambo fulani, au baba hawezi kwenda kazini tena. Katika hali kama hii, watoto huanza kuwa na udadisi na kuuliza maswali, na kwa njia fulani hiyo hufanya iwe rahisi kwa wazazi kuanza mazungumzo, kwa sababu watoto wanaonyesha nia ya kuzungumza juu ya jambo hilo. Watoto wanahitaji kupata aina fulani ya uelewa rahisi wa awali wa nini kinachoendelea - tu kutosha kuridhisha udadisi wao. Hatari ni kujaribu kuelezea kupita kiasi, na kutoa habari zaidi kuliko wanahitaji, au kuingia katika udanganyifu na nusu-kweli. Kwa mfano, mtu ni mgonjwa sana au amekufa, na wewe ni kuunda udanganyifu kwamba mtu ni gone missing, au wao wameenda mbali kwa ajili ya likizo ya muda mrefu, au wao wameenda kulala. Hilo huelekea kuwa na matokeo mabaya hatimaye. Watoto wanapoendelea na shule ya msingi, wanaanza kuelewa zaidi kuhusu kudumu kwa kifo, lakini bado hawawezi kukikubali kwa urahisi, au kuelewa kwa kweli sababu zake. Kwa hiyo si mpaka wao kufikia ujana kwamba wazo zima la mzunguko wa maisha na kudumu kwa kifo ni kweli, kikamilifu kufahamu. Ikiwa watoto wamekuwa wakikua katika nyumba ambapo ni sawa kuzungumza juu ya hisia zako na hisia, basi watakuwa na uwezo bora wa kuelezea kitu ambacho kinaweza kuwa chungu, au cha kutatanisha, au cha kukasirisha. Huna haja ya kuhisi kama wewe kamwe lazima kulia mbele ya watoto. Kupoteza ni jambo linaloweza kupatikana wakati wowote. Kadiri tunavyojaribu kuzika hisia ngumu za kushughulika na hasara na huzuni na kuwalinda watoto kutoka kwa kitu ambacho ni mchakato wa kawaida wa afya - kuwaweka mbali na kujaribu kujifanya kuwa haifanyi - ndivyo inavyokuwa ngumu zaidi kwao kuikabiliana. Mtoto anaweza kuwa na wasiwasi kwamba kifo kinaweza kumtokea yeye pia. Jambo muhimu zaidi ni kujibu maswali ya mtoto kwa uaminifu, kuunda hali ya starehe na uwazi, na pia usalama. Mtoto anahitaji kujua kwamba hata kama mama au baba wamefadhaika sana na hili, wataweza kuivuka na mtoto atakuwa salama na kutunzwa. Kwa familia nyingi, dini huwapa watu faraja kubwa, hasa katika wakati wa huzuni na hasara. Lakini bila kujali imani za kidini za mtu, kuna mchakato wa kukabiliana unatuwezesha, kwa muda, kuwa na uwezo wa kukabiliana na kukubali kile kilichotokea.