Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).
Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.
Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims. We should have a faith and keep making dua and even right at the start of your married life, start off with a set of dua for marriage.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance: One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .
Feelings: Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
Imani: Sifa ya msingi na muhimu zaidi ya ndoa ya Kiislamu ni imani ya kawaida ambayo inaunganisha wanandoa. Kwa kuwa Uislamu ni njia ya maisha na si dini tu iliyowekwa kizuizini kwa ibada ya kila wiki, inakuwa sehemu muhimu ya maisha ya Mwislamu. Mfumo wa kumbukumbu ulioshirikiwa na wanandoa unarahisisha mawasiliano na kushiriki maadili ambayo haiwezekani katika ndoa ya dini. Inashauriwa sana kwamba imani iwe na fungu muhimu katika kuendeleza uhusiano wa upendo. "Mungu alimwambia Mtume Muhammad (s.a.w) kuwa ""Mume anapomlisha mkewe, anapata thawabu kwa tendo hili na Allaah Anaongeza uhusiano wa upendo baina yao.""" Kwa hiyo tunapopendana kwa ajili ya Allaah tunazidisha imani yetu. "Kama Mtume Muhammad (Swalla Allaahu 'alayhi wa aalihi wa sallam) aliwauliza Masahaba wake: ""Je, mnataka Allaah akusamehe?""Wakasema: ""Bila shaka, Ee Mtume wa Allaah.""" Yeye akajibu, 'basi msameheane.' Sehemu muhimu ya ndoa yenye furaha ni kwamba wenzi wa ndoa wanaweza kusameheana, na kwamba hawachukui kinyongo au kuhukumu. Ni jambo la kawaida kwamba tunapokuwa na uhusiano wa karibu na mtu fulani, huenda tukasema au kufanya mambo yanayoumiza mwenzi wetu wa ndoa. Tatizo si kukazia fikira au kulaumu bali ni kuupita. Hii inaweza kutokea tu ikiwa hatuna kiburi sana kuomba msamaha na hatuna uchungu wa kusamehe. Kama tunataka Mungu atusamehe, ni lazima tujifunze kusamehe. "Kumbuka: ""Tunapomkumbusha mwenzi wetu wa ndoa mara zote ambazo ametukatisha tamaa au kutufanya tupate madhara, hatujawasamehe kwa kweli.""" Mambo yaliyotokea katika siku za nyuma lazima yaachwe hapo na yasitumiwe kama risasi mpya katika hali mpya. Kwa kawaida wenzi wa ndoa wanaotumia mbinu hiyo huanguka katika mzunguko wa maisha na kuwa waathirika wa ubatili wao wenyewe, bila kuweza kujikomboa. Saburi (sabr) ni chombo muhimu zaidi cha kuwa nacho katika kusimamia mtindo wa maisha wenye afya. Kuwa na subira na uvumilivu hutufanya tuwe na mtazamo wa kujihusisha na mambo ya kiroho na kutufanya tuwe karibu na Allaah kupitia Tawakul na kutegemea, na kutufanya tuwe na uwezo wa kushughulikia wakati mgumu wa maisha. "Allah Ta'ala anasema katika Sura ya Asr: ""Hakika watu ni wenye hasara, isipokuwa wale walioamini na wakatenda mema, na wakashauriana kwa haki na wakashauriana kwa sabr.""" Wenzi wengi wa ndoa hujifanya kuwa na huzuni bila sababu kwa sababu hawataki kubadilika kidogo. Hatupaswi kutarajia mwenzi wetu wa ndoa awe sehemu ya maisha yetu. Wao ni wao wenyewe wenye utu, wanapenda na hawapendi. Ni lazima tuiheshimu haki yao ya kuwa wao wenyewe maadamu haidhuru Dini yao. Kuwa asiyeweza kubadilika-badilika na asiyefaa tofauti za kibinafsi husababisha hali ya mkazo na mkazo sana nyumbani. Urafiki: Sehemu hii ya ndoa ina sehemu tatu. Kwanza ni kuendeleza urafiki na wenzi wetu wa ndoa. Uhusiano unaotegemea urafiki una uwezo zaidi wa kukabiliana na shinikizo la nje. Tunawaheshimu, kuwaamini, kuwaheshimu, kuwapokea na kuwatunza marafiki wetu, licha ya tofauti zetu. Hizi ndizo mambo ya urafiki tunayopaswa kuleta katika ndoa zetu. Kwa bahati mbaya, jambo pekee ambalo watu hufikiria kuleta kwenye ndoa yao ambalo halifai sana ni hali ya rafiki. Sharia (sheria ya Kiislamu) imemweka mume katika jukumu la uongozi ndani ya familia. Hilo huhitaji adabu fulani, ambayo haiwezi kudumishwa ikiwa wenzi wa ndoa huona kila mmoja kuwa rafiki. Hii haipaswi kuchukuliwa kumaanisha kwamba mume ni dikteta lakini mchungaji ambaye anawajibika kwa na kwa kundi lake. Hilo ni cheo chenye daraka kubwa na humweka mzigo mkubwa juu ya mume. Zaidi ya hayo, watoto wanapaswa kuwaona wazazi wao kuwa marafiki, lakini si marafiki, kwa kuwa hilo huchochea ukosefu wa heshima. Upendo: Sehemu ya pili ya urafiki ni kuwa na uhusiano wa kirafiki na wazazi wa mke. Wakati wenzi wa ndoa wanaposhindana kuhusu ni wazazi gani walio wa maana zaidi, hilo huwa chanzo cha huzuni daima. Wakati mwingi wenye thamani hutupwa kujaribu kusadikisha, mmoja na mwenzake ambaye wazazi wake ni wenye kutamaniwa zaidi. Ni bora tukikubali kwamba wenzi wetu wa ndoa hawatapenda wazazi wetu kwa sababu tu tunataka wawapende. """Maadamu wanaendelea na mahusiano ya kirafiki, ya kirafiki na ya kuheshimiana, hatupaswi kulazimisha suala hili." Sehemu ya tatu ya urafiki ni mzunguko wa marafiki. Ni sawa kuwa na marafiki wa jinsia moja, lakini wanandoa wanapaswa pia kufanya juhudi kuwa na marafiki wa familia ili waweze kushirikiana. Ikiwa kuna ugomvi unaosababishwa na urafiki fulani haupaswi kufuatiliwa kwa gharama ya ndoa. Mtume Muhammad (Swalla Allaahu 'alayhi wa aalihi wa sallam) alituambia tuchague watu wanaomcha Mungu kuwa marafiki zetu, kwani sisi huwa tunafuata njia yao. Marafiki wapaswa kuwa chanzo cha shangwe na si uovu. Kwa hivyo, wanandoa ambao hawacheki pamoja wanapaswa kufanya kazi ili kufurahisha wakati wao. Mtume (s.a.w.w.) alikuwa akicheza na wake zake. Kutembea tu katika bustani kunaweza kuongeza mwangaza mwingi katika uhusiano. Kujiunga na mchezo au kutazama sinema zenye kuchekesha ni njia nyingine ya kucheka pamoja. "Mungu ameweka amri kwamba ""tuwe waaminifu kwa wenzi wetu.""" Uzinzi ni uhalifu mkubwa katika Uislamu ambao unahukumiwa kwa kifo. Hata hivyo kuna aina mbalimbali za tabia ya ukosefu wa uaminifu inayopatikana miongoni mwa Waislamu fulani. "Kama unaamini katika Mungu, basi unapaswa kufanya dua na hata kuanza na ""seti ya dua"" kwa ajili ya ndoa." Njia ya kawaida ni kudumisha urafiki na jinsia tofauti juu ya mipaka iliyowekwa na Uislamu, na mashaka ya mwenzi. Mwelekeo wa hivi karibuni wa mahusiano ya mtandao pia ni kinyume na Adab ya Kiislamu (maadili) na inasababisha matatizo makubwa kati ya wanandoa. Mara tu hisia ya kuachwa inapotokea, ni vigumu kurekebisha uhusiano huo. Njia nyingine ya kutokuwa mwaminifu ni wakati wenzi wa ndoa wanapoficha mambo ya siri. Hii ni suala la uaminifu na moja wakati compromised kula mbali katika moyo wa ndoa. Kwa kawaida tunapokasirika au kukasirika huwa na mwelekeo wa kutocheza kwa haki. Tunatamani kujisadikisha kwamba kwa kuwa tumekosea, ni sawa kuwa na tabia na maneno yasiyo ya haki. "Allah anasema katika Qur'an: ""Msikuwa wakosefu wa haki katika hali yoyote, hata kama ni adui zenu, na hapa tunazungumzia marafiki zetu wa maisha na wazazi wa watoto wetu.""" "Kutumia maneno kama vile ""si kamwe"" na ""siku zote"" wakati wa kuelezea tabia ya mwenzi ni haki na huweka mwingine katika ulinzi." Ndoa: Mojawapo ya mambo ya kawaida ambayo wanandoa hukabiliwa nayo ni masuala ya pesa. Wataalamu wanasema asilimia 80 ya matatizo ya ndoa yanahusiana na pesa. Kwa hiyo, ni jambo la hekima kwa wenzi wa ndoa kutumia wakati na jitihada nyingi kutengeneza mpango wa kusimamia mambo ya kifedha ambao wote wawili wanakubaliana na ambao unakaguliwa kila baada ya miezi sita au zaidi. Kufanya bajeti pamoja ni njia yenye kusaidia na yenye hekima ya kushughulikia mambo ya kifedha ya familia. """Ni lazima kukumbukwa kwamba fedha za mke katika Uislamu ni zake kufanya na kama yeye anapenda na kwa hiyo haipaswi kuchukuliwa mapato ya familia isipokuwa yeye huchagua kuchangia familia: Uzao wa watoto inaweza kuwa uzoefu wa mkazo kama wazazi hawajui vizuri." Hilo laweza kuongeza mkazo kwenye ndoa. Nyakati nyingine wenzi wa ndoa hawajui kuhusu mabadiliko yanayotokea katika mtindo-maisha. Hilo laweza kusababisha kushuka moyo katika visa fulani na katika visa fulani kukasirika na kutoelewana. Kanuni moja ya dhahabu ambayo lazima iwe mwongozo sikuzote ni; kwamba familia huja kwanza. Wakati wowote ambapo kuna uthibitisho kwamba familia haifurahi au sio kipaumbele chetu cha kwanza, ni wakati wa kukusanyika kwenye meza ya jikoni na kujadili kwa mioyo na akili wazi. Wenzi wa ndoa walio na wazazi wazee-wazee wana daraka la ziada la kuwatunza. Hilo laweza pia kuwa lenye mkazo sana ikiwa wenzi wa ndoa hawajajitayarisha. Mpango wa huduma lazima ufanye kazi na ndugu na wazazi husika kuhusu nani atakuwa mtoa huduma ya msingi na ni aina gani ya mtandao wa msaada watakuwa nao. Katika kesi ya ukosefu wa uwezo wa akili nguvu ya wakili lazima kuwa mahali. Kufanya hati ya urithi ni jambo la maana sana. "Muhammad (Swalla Allaahu 'alayhi wa aalihi wa sallam) alisema: ""Mwenyezi Mungu husamehe dhambi zote tunapotubu, lakini si zile ambazo tumezitenda kwa wengine.""" Hatuwezi kuumiza hisia za wengine isipokuwa mtu ambaye tumemdhuru amesamehe kwanza. Wakati mwingine wanandoa ni wasiojali sana linapokuja hisia za mwenzi wao, wanazitambua na kudhani kwamba mwenzake anajua wanamaanisha nini. Ni jambo la kushangaza kwamba watu ni wenye huruma na wenye adabu zaidi kwa wageni kuliko kwa wapendwa wao. Ni lazima mtu awe makini na mwenye tahadhari ili asiumize hisia za mwenzi wake, na kama anafanya hivyo, anapaswa kuomba msamaha haraka iwezekanavyo. Kwa kuwa mtu hawezi kujua ni lini mtu anayempenda ataondoka katika ulimwengu huu, je, si afadhali kufanya marekebisho wakati tunapokuwa na wakati? Uhuru: Ndoa katika Uislamu ni ushirikiano na si utumwa au utumwa. Kuona mke kuwa mali ya mtu ni kinyume na dhana ya Kiislamu ya jukumu la mume na mke. Roho ya timu huimarishwa na si kupunguzwa wakati wanachama wa timu ni huru kuwa wao wenyewe. Uhuru katika lugha ya kawaida ya Magharibi ni kuwa huru kufanya kama mtu anapenda au kuwa na ubinafsi. Badala yake, kumpa mwenzi wako uhuru ni kuonyesha kwamba unaheshimu mahitaji yake na kutambua mipaka yake. Kujifurahisha: Njia ya uhakika ya kudumisha mapenzi katika ndoa ni kujifurahisha na mwenzi wako. Ndoa nyingi zilizofanikiwa zimehifadhi tabia ya ujana katika ndoa zao kwa kutumia majina maalum kwa kila mmoja na mitindo ya mawasiliano ya siri. Mfano: Kuna matatizo ya kuelewana wakati wanandoa hawafanyi mambo kwa uaminifu. Katika ndoa, ni lazima wenzi wa ndoa wahisi salama kusema kile wanachofikiri kwa kuzingatia hisia za mwenzake, bila kuharibu maoni yao wenyewe. Mawasiliano yasiyo ya uwazi huzuia maendeleo ya ukaribu na uelewa wa kina wa ndani ya kila mmoja. "Mtu mmoja alisema: ""Tunapochagua mwenzi wa maisha, ni lazima, kama Mtume alivyopendekeza, tutafute Mwislamu mcha Mungu.""" Sababu ni kwamba lengo lao la kwanza na la kwanza ni kufurahisha Allaah. Kujitolea kwao kwa Allaah huwafanya kuwa wasaidizi bora wa kuimarisha maendeleo ya kiroho ya mwenzi wao. Kimsingi, wanandoa wanawezesha kujitolea kwa familia yao kwa Allah na Dini Yake. Kupongeza ni njia ya bei nafuu ya kumvutia mwenzi wako. Kila mtu hupenda kuthaminiwa na kuangaliwa. Kwa hiyo, kuwa mchoyo kuhusu pongezi kwa kweli ni kujinyima mwenyewe kuthaminiwa kwa kurudi. Kuwa na furaha na kuwa na mwenzi wa ndoa ni jambo lenye kuridhisha sana. Kuwa na upendo humaanisha kutoa kila kitu. Moyo hautoi masharti au kufanya masharti. Yeye hutoa bila kutarajia chochote kwa ajili ya kutoa, lakini kutoa bila ubinafsi kama hiyo daima kunathawabishwa mara kumi. Mara nyingi inatokea kwamba matarajio yetu wakati mwingine ni ya juu sana hivi kwamba tunapoteza lengo la ukweli kwamba sisi ni viumbe wa kukosa. """Wakati wanandoa wanaanza kukosa na kudai jambo lisilowezekana, lazima wajikumbushe kwamba ni Allaah pekee aliye mkamilifu." Mara nyingi wanandoa wanashindwa kufanya kazi ya kukuza shauku kwa kila mmoja kwa [kushindwa] kuona wenzi wao kama watu kupitia macho ya marafiki wao. Kutumia wakati wa ubora peke yako kufanya na kushiriki shughuli ni njia ambazo mtu anaweza kukuza shauku. Wakati ujao: Wanandoa wenye akili hupanga wakati wao ujao pamoja. Wanafanya kazi juu ya mipango yao ya kifedha na ya kustaafu, hufanya matakwa na kujadili mipango hii na watoto wao. Hilo hutoa amani ya akili na kulinda uhusiano.