Foundation, reminding you that a fully-integrated approach for assisting survivors of
traumatic loss involves a balance of head and heart. Wednesday Wisdom is written
and copyrighted by Carolyn V. Coarsey, Ph.D. and distributed by the Family
Assistance Education & Research Foundation Inc., fafonline.org. Reprint is available
with written permission from the Foundation.
Integration is the goal of healthy grief—no such thing as "getting over it.”
Family members who are grieving the loss of a loved one are frequently asked,
“When are you going to get over the loss of your daughter?” (son, husband, etc.)
Well-meaning friends often say things like, “He has never gotten over the loss of
his son.” One flight attendant’s mother, whose daughter died in a non-survivable
crash where there were no intact remains for burial, returned to her workplace a few
weeks after her daughter’s memorial service. A coworker asked her if she had
gotten over her daughter’s death yet. The mother replied, “No, she is still dead.
So, no, I am not over it yet.”
For those of us who educate and train others on how to best support and assist
grieving people, it is helpful if we teach responders to use more healthy terms
and phrases when communicating about such tragic events. The goal for all
who grieve is integration. Healthy grief involves integration of the experience.
Getting over the loss of someone we love is never a goal—we strive to remember
all we can about them and their life on earth.
Used in this context, Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines integration as:
coordination of mental processes into a normal effective personality or with the
A well-meaning person who wishes to be helpful to someone who is grieving
would do better to listen as they speak about their loved one, assist them with
practical needs, and support them as they move into their new life without the
physical presence of the deceased.
In Family Assistance or Care Team programs, the many tasks that are offered
the newly bereaved play a major role in helping them begin integration in the
first few days. Providing information about what has happened, and how
they can and will receive information about an investigation as it progresses,
plays a major role in helping a family member start out on the right track.
Information gives people power over their emotions, and this is a key in long-term
integration of loss.
Other helpful tasks include options to visit the site of the tragedy when possible,
meet with other family members who also lost loved ones in the same disaster,
as well as meet company employees, agency officials, and other responders
whose work involves assisting the families. Over time, all of these experiences
become part of the integration process, which cannot be rushed and has no
timetable. It takes time for survivors to build a new life with the deceased no longer
physically present. Healthy mourning results in a permanent spiritual relationship
with the deceased.
Well-orchestrated logistical planning plays a major role in a family’s integration of
the loss. In addition to providing communication through phone lines, assisting
with site visits, and opportunities to meet and interact with other families, holding
memorial services is a major contribution to helping survivors move
forward—particularly the one-year anniversary memorial.
Interviews with families show that the opportunity to come together at the end of
the first year in a dedication service is crucial to healing. For many, it reminds them
that they have survived the first year of their loss. When asked to describe what
it meant to attend the first year’s anniversary memorial, survivors have used
words like “transformative” and other terms that underscore the value of such
experiences in the integration of their losses.
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"Mwanzo wa ""Mtazamo wa kikamilifu wa kusaidia waokokaji wa hasara ya kiwewe"" unahusisha usawa wa akili na moyo." "Kama ilivyoelezwa katika makala ya ""Mungu na Uwezo"" ya Carolyn V. Coarsey, PhD, ""Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwezo wa Uwe.""" Reprint inapatikana kwa ruhusa ya maandishi kutoka kwa Foundation. Ushirikiano ni lengo la huzuni yenye afya - hakuna kitu kama "kuikabiliana". Washiriki wa familia ambao wanahuzunika kupoteza mtu wa karibu mara nyingi huulizwa, "Utakabiliana lini na kupoteza binti yako?" (mwana, mume, nk.) "Mama wa mmoja wa wahudumu wa ndege, ambaye binti yake alikufa katika ajali ambayo hakuweza kuishi ambapo hakukuwa na mabaki ya kuzikwa, alirudi kazini wiki chache baada ya ibada ya ukumbusho ya binti yake.""" Mfanyakazi mwenzake alimwuliza ikiwa alikuwa amepona kifo cha binti yake. Mama akajibu, "Hapana, bado amekufa. """Kwa wale ambao tunafundisha na kuwazoeza wengine juu ya jinsi ya kusaidia na kusaidia watu wanaosikitika, ni muhimu ikiwa tunawafundisha wajibuji kutumia maneno na misemo yenye afya zaidi wakati wa kuwasiliana juu ya matukio kama hayo ya kusikitisha." Lengo la wote wanaosikitika ni kuunganishwa. Maumivu yenye afya huhusisha kuunganisha mambo yaliyopatikana. Kupata juu ya hasara ya mtu tunayempenda kamwe si lengo - sisi kujitahidi kukumbuka wote tunaweza kuhusu wao na maisha yao duniani. "Kutumia msamiati wa Merriam-Webster Online, ""kuunganisha"" ni ""kuunganisha mchakato wa akili katika utu wa kawaida wa ufanisi au na mtu mwenye nia nzuri ambaye anataka kusaidia mtu anayesikitika, afanye vizuri zaidi kusikiliza wakati wanazungumza juu ya mpendwa wao, kuwasaidia na mahitaji ya vitendo, na kuwasaidia wanapokuwa wakiingia katika maisha yao mapya bila uwepo wa mwili wa marehemu.""" Katika programu za Msaada wa Familia au Timu ya Utunzaji, kazi nyingi zinazotolewa kwa wale waliokufa hivi karibuni zina jukumu kubwa katika kuwasaidia kuanza kuunganishwa katika siku chache za kwanza. Kutoa habari kuhusu kile kilichotokea, na jinsi wanavyoweza na watapokea habari kuhusu uchunguzi unapoendelea, hutimiza jukumu kubwa katika kumsaidia mwanachama wa familia kuanza kwenye njia sahihi. Habari huwapa watu nguvu juu ya hisia zao, na hii ni ufunguo katika ushirikiano wa muda mrefu wa hasara. "Kama ni muhimu, unaweza pia ""kuenda"" kwenye eneo la msiba, kukutana na watu wengine wa familia ambao pia walipoteza wapendwa wao katika msiba huo, na kukutana na wafanyikazi wa kampuni, maafisa wa shirika, na wajumbe wengine ambao kazi yao inahusisha kusaidia familia." Baada ya muda, uzoefu huu wote unakuwa sehemu ya mchakato wa ushirikiano, ambao hauwezi kukimbilia na hauna ratiba. Inachukua muda kwa waokokaji kujenga maisha mapya kwa kuwa mfu haupo tena kimwili. Maombolezo yenye afya husababisha uhusiano wa kudumu wa kiroho pamoja na yule aliyekufa. Mipango ya vifaa iliyoandaliwa vizuri hutimiza fungu kubwa katika kuunganisha familia na hasara hiyo. Mbali na kutoa mawasiliano kupitia mistari ya simu, kusaidia na ziara za tovuti, na fursa za kukutana na kuingiliana na familia nyingine, kufanya huduma za ukumbusho ni mchango mkubwa katika kusaidia waokokaji kusonga mbele - haswa ukumbusho wa miaka moja. Mahojiano na familia zinaonyesha kwamba fursa ya kukusanyika pamoja mwishoni mwa mwaka wa kwanza katika utumishi wa wakfu ni muhimu kwa uponyaji. Kwa wengi, hilo huwawakumbusha kwamba wameokoka mwaka wa kwanza wa kifo chao. "Walipokuwa wakiulizwa kuelezea maana ya kuhudhuria maadhimisho ya mwaka wa kwanza, waokokaji wametumia maneno kama ""transformative"" na maneno mengine ambayo yanasisitiza thamani ya uzoefu kama huo katika kuunganisha hasara zao." "Kama unataka kuondoa barua pepe hii, tafadhali jibu ujumbe huu na ""Unsubscribe"" katika mstari wa mada au tu bonyeza kiungo hiki: ""Unsubscribe"" (Avium & Family Assistance Foundation, 555 North Pont Center, East, Suite 400, Alpharetta, GA, GA, 2003) "