text:
Sneak peek at Gygax Magazine #2
By all accounts the debut of Gygax Magazine has been SPECTACULAR! Literally dozens were sold at the introductory event, and reportedly nearly a handful more have been sold online, including at least two year-long subscriptions. As Huell Howser might say, "HOW ABOUT THAT!!!"
Poised to erupt into raucous cheers, the hobby awaits eagerly Gygax Magazine #2… and it just so happens I've been made privy to an early look at the TOC:
- This one time back in 1979, I actually kissed the hem of Gary's bathrobe – Tim Kask / A fond look back at the early days of D&D.
- You know, the only reason I agreed to participate here is because they told me Stross and Chabon were in it too, okay… so where are those guys, huh? HUH?!?!? – Cory Doctorow / Insights and anecdotes from modern gaming.
- Hmm, they seem to be all in numerical order… – Steve Kenson / A detailed study of pagination strategies deployed in ICONS.
- The Holocaust: it never happened – Gygax Magazine Contributing Editors / Conclusions from an overdue investigation.
- Konsole Kritic's Korner – James Maliszewski / Reviews of new releases for the Wii U.
- There's too many fucking faggots in here – Mike Mornard / A how-to on ragequitting gaming fora that tolerate progressive sympathies.
- A whimsical d12 table – Jeff Rients / Titter-inducing juxtaposition of traditionally contrary themes.
- sUGGestons and strageties for a make of yourgame, using any addition of theD&D game is yuo like!!!!!!1 – Robert Conley / This guy types with his fucking teeth, here's more proof.
- Does anyone know how I can monetize this? – James M. Ward / The author catalogs knickknacks and bric-a-brac acquired during a half-century of gaming (submit suggestions to Twitter @GygaxMagazine)
- Would Daddy be proud of us? – Ernest Gary Gygax Jr. & Luke Gygax / Questions that might be asked in the lonely, dark hours of the night.
- Who is John Galt… and what level is he? – Robert Kuntz and Terry Goodkind / Game-ready NPCs conjured from the classic novels of Ayn Rand.
- The Goldilocks solution – Lenard Lakofka / Thrill your players with encumbrance optimization: adding medium belt pouches to any D&D-compatible game.
- Magical miscellany – Dennis Sustare / 7 more spells with my name in them.
Gygax Magazine is still accepting submissions, if you have any ideas for additional articles list them in the comments and I will forward them to the editorial staff.
February 12, 2013 8:34 pm
You forgot Gene Weigel's fanfic of 'Gargling Gary's Mighty Load'.and 'Snuggling the Hoary Cheeks of my Master'.
February 12, 2013 9:21 pm
I'd love to see what this well-balanced RPGer finds readily "jizzworthy" or "butt-alicious"! Now that'll be a real punchline! Seriously, I'm not affiliated with anyone involved in "Gygax" anything. I haven't even contributed a dime to his memorial. I don't to go or care to go to "Gary Con" or other "Old-School-Label-Same-Old-Conventions". Just ask yourself what the fuck are you playing thats so great because I'd love to hear about it.
February 12, 2013 11:43 pm
Gene, you can't quite grasp the irony of your own reply can you? Gygax magazine would be the perfect platform for you! Finally, a place were you can tell the world of your Gygaxian cum guzzling adventures. Soft stroking your flaccid little dick too full jizz mode while being hailed as a champion of the Gygax name all these years. Too bad you'll never find acceptance in any of your contemporaries forums and blogs, let alone Gygax Magazine.
BTW you fat fuck, here's a peek of your own 'unboxing' event of Gygax Magazine:
13 minutes and 25 seconds of failure and fatbeards with FOUR parts to follow! FUCK! What the hell man? Were you trying to show all the fat beards you were planning to blow in the men's room afterwards?
And as for asking myself anything about what kind of game I enjoy, I have to ask you is this the type of game you enjoy?
February 13, 2013 6:22 am
Now thats objective reporting, I mean on the flail… WHAT?
Methinks that perhaps you've lost the point.
I posted those videos to YouTube myself. My threshold for poking fun of myself is the size of a galaxy.
On that note I'd to announce the Kickstarter to find any roleplaying game system that Gary Gygax was not involved with to actually play…
Send all money to yourself.
February 13, 2013 7:25 am
BTW, I don't think the audience at that Gygax Games unboxing were there for anything E. Gary Gygax directly did. They all seemed to be playing STAR WARS at some point in the video… <<>> The Dwarven Forge stuff looked cool but too stylized for session after session.
As for the magazine it was mostly anectdotal. Out of the three comics WHATS NEW actually seemed good in comparison anyways. They had some geek shitstain crap called THE WAY OF THE STICK or something and some blandy magician crapola. Baaaad! Not rad bad. Bad bad. I never thought I'd say WHATS NEW was decent but there it is. The new D&D style articles seemed all PERTHFERNDER and I think thats what the audience was there for.
I've admitted the Gygax Games vids were boring and i posted it only because:
A) I had nothing to do that day.
B) I live where they were having it.
C) If I was bored then why take my word for it in this day and age?
oh and
D)it had GYGAX in the name…
Its fun to play with the
Its fun to play with the
They have everything
For young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with
all the boys.
Its fun to play with the
Its fun to play with the
February 13, 2013 7:42 am
I said <<>> and it disappeared.
February 13, 2013 7:46 am
SHUDDER <<>> Shudder
well one of those has to come out
February 13, 2013 8:09 am
Gene you cockslobbering fuckfaced fuck! How could the point be anymore clear? You said that you aren't affiliated or involved with anything Gygax or have given your Master a dime, yet you were there at the unveiling of the Gygax Magazine.
So, I'll spell it out for you again. GYGAX LOVING CULTISTS WILL JIZZ THEMSELVES BLIND IN ORDER TO BUY ANYTHING WITH THE NAME GYGAX ON IT NO MATTER IF IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT. It's been going on since Mayfair Games came out with Yrrgsburgh (which you probably have three copies of) and is carrying on with this asswipe of a magazine. Cumgargling, fucked faced flabby titted fool that you are, you deny Gygaxian fanboi-ism but there you are. Buying Gygax magazine. Do you now see the irony? You and JaMal's fanbois have a lot in common. FUCK!
February 13, 2013 8:21 am
Look, sir… I'm not available if thats what your saying…
Well… alright… but make it quick.
February 13, 2013 8:29 am
Gene you have me confused with Robbie Kuntz.. I'm a fish and chips kinda guy myself though.
Shitty McTits permalinkFebruary 12, 2013 8:38 pm
I love you, YDIS. The Goldilocks Solution is fucking genius.
February 13, 2013 10:56 am
Gene, don't make with the fucking faggot-ass smileys here. Save them for the forums, you blithering bitch.
Jason Coplen permalinkFebruary 12, 2013 10:55 pm
Awesome! The Mike Mornard bit was icing on the cake!
February 13, 2013 3:17 am
I am actually looking forward to Jim's next article in Gygax #3 — How to bilk $50,000 from fatbeards and perform a Jedi Mind Trick and have them think it is a good thing. (Working title)
Dumb Frost Doom permalinkFebruary 13, 2013 5:17 am
Unfortunately he won't finish writing the article, even after getting people to do free art for it.
February 13, 2013 5:52 am
Well, you know, it takes time out of his day from wearing a bathrobe and playing video games.
February 13, 2013 4:40 am
You know here's what those old dudes who made the Gygax Magazine do not get:
2 steps:
1. They should have used Kickstarter to fund this.
2. Use the money for other things.
3. Claim health issues or other such excuse.
4. Fade away from the OSR scene.
February 13, 2013 7:47 am
Or they could be like Kuntz. Just take the money, produce nothing, and whine about how you're an "artist" and no one understands when you're taken to task.
February 13, 2013 8:11 am
You mean Jim the Mal, right?
February 13, 2013 10:48 am
No, Jim just disappeared. Kuntz whined about how no one can hurry an "artist's" work.
February 13, 2013 10:53 am
Where did he do this whining? I'd love to take a look.
February 13, 2013 12:10 pm
@Schadenfreude: read his blog, if you dare. The Necromancer thread linked in a thread below this one references this tendency of Kuntz's, as well.
Radovarl permalinkFebruary 13, 2013 5:08 am
You neglected to mention the letters column, "Out on a Ledge", which will start running in the second issue, featuring reactions to previously published articles (read "shameless fanboy gushing"), perspectives and heated debate on weighty issues facing the OSR (e.g., "Ascending AC: Is it hopelessly confusing, just the same math in reverse, or both?"), and desperate pleas for all expense paid con appearances by the Gygax Mag luminaries. And of course the main attraction, letters from never-were wannabe OSR publishers begging for the seal of approval from the scions of House Gygax, casually mentioning in passing how Gary glanced at them meaningfully at GenCon XIV, thereby tacitly transferring the mantle of "One True Gawd of Gaming" to their humble shoulders.
And since the brainchild behind the publication is Tim Kask, the genius behind Adventure Gaming magazine and the first thirty issues of The Dragon (yeah, before it was any good), you know you can expect the magazine to be worth reading as soon as he abandons his post in a huff over some perceived insult to his righteous authority.
February 13, 2013 5:41 am
I know that Old Geezer of rpg.net is working on an article; I guess it won't make it 'til issue #3. In it, he reveals how he totally pwned some dude who dared to question him!
It went something like this:
Dude posted something about how Gygax himself was an adversarial GM, and mentioned a specific example involving Rob Kuntz.
Old Geezer said that's bullshit, never happened; unless you can get Kunt or Gary to confirm this story, it's just more made-up crap on the internet.
Dude responds by posting not one but two quotes from Rob describing Gary as a DM, including a quote that Gary was gunning for the PCs.
O.G. points out that dude's description of the incident from the first post is slightly different from the description in the second and third posts (which dude had acknowledged). Therefore, despite citing Kuntz's own words to prove the point, dude is wrong! Pwned! O.G. wins again!
It continues on to the next page.
Another victory for the True Sons of Gygax!
February 13, 2013 5:52 am
Oh man, that is some funny shit.
February 13, 2013 6:01 am
IRWS, O.G. played with Gygax! That means he's right about everything! And he's better than us! We should thank our lucky stars that O.G. and his ilk allow us to interact with them at all!
February 13, 2013 6:03 am
I should interview O.G. then. After all I am starting to interview luminaries of this hobby. I have my first one posted today.
February 13, 2013 8:16 am
Mornard's biggest problem is that he's secretly some new age RPGer who LARPed STAR WARS and whatever comes down the pipe. That motherfucker wouldn't give me the time of day on Kuntz's messageboards. So he's got that trendy thing going for him. I wouldn't be so fast to shit him down the river if thats your bag. But as far as I'm concerned I can't find anything there. I was willing to give him a chance after I found out Kuntz's deals with me were not even near square and maybe he was equally burnt but after a while I realized that I wouldn't dress up as a Jedi with a braid if you paid me. Thats not only a horse of a different color but it doesn't make sense to me. He's just one of these "backback/Mountain Dew/soup of the day/anything goes if its rpg" types. Its anathema to me. If he is what embodies "old school" then fuck that I'd rather be called "Shirley school". I've never met the guy but if hes anything like "JOHNNY STANDARD RPG" then good luck. He's all yours.
Thats the problem with these bogus mini-GenCons they want mini-dictatorial versions of the same thing thats been going on to please the Mornard type worldview. I've tried to get people together based on principle to make a true convention that would be content strict and even Gary Gygax told me to fuck off.
Honestly? Mornard is a hero to anyone who dislikes my "elite" views. Now that said… FUCK HIM! 😉
February 13, 2013 8:26 am
You seem quite upset that he wouldn't give you the time of day.
Gene. What's wrong? You get your bitchtits hurt because someone dude you wouldn't give the time of day to now has the ear of the OSR and the Gygaxian fanbois and it ain't you?
You fuck, you are so besides yourself aren't you? If Rob Kuntz and this guy both showed up at your front door you wouldn't know which one too suck off first. FUCK!
February 13, 2013 9:58 am
The OSR is the biggest turkey shoot ever. To me its PERTHFERNDER PART DEUX but worse because it promises something else.
RPG FAIL just keeps on FAILing.
OSR "Grog-Mor-Nards" might apply to fucking everyone on forums regarding RPGs currently in my opinion.
Malisewski is in the same boat as Mornard but so is the entire Cook "family" (and their nude houseboy Breault) as well as everyone else in RPG creation. So if these RPG criminals are so bad who are the sheriffs?
Who are the good guys?
Who are the winners?
Lets get a rally going for these winners!
Lets have a parade!
Whose Game Does Not Suck?
February 13, 2013 10:45 am
Gene, I don't care what people say, these tirades of yours are loaded with harder nuggets than an old man junkie's crapper come Friday morning. I have no fucking idea what "backback/Mountain Dew/soup of the day/anything goes if its rpg" or "Shirley school" means except "gay" but I know you hates it and that hate is good.
February 13, 2013 10:49 am
February 13, 2013 11:45 am
JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST! Gene is there any RPG that measures up on your flaccid dick scale? I think you've actually jumped the shark on RPG hate with almost everything out there.
February 13, 2013 7:09 am
Hey, I can't wait to read the Kuntz/Goodkind collaboration – that has to be worth at least $2 all by itself. The Conley piece will be, as always, illuminating.
However, I would love to see a few more pieces:
I Was the Best Editor the Dragon Ever Had and All I Got Was This Gay Utilikilt From Timmy Kask/Roger E. Moore.
Deodorant: Divine Friend or Imperial Foe/Frank "Tank" Mentzer
Does This Look Infected to You?/James Raggi IV
The Unicorns of Pampadooloo/kent
February 13, 2013 7:31 am
You left out the subtitle of Raggi's article: "Does this look infected to you? And does that make you want to fuck it?"
February 13, 2013 8:12 am
Or Zak's — "Is it a trannie, or a porn star?"
February 13, 2013 8:34 am
Oh yeah, speaking of Zak, where is that little sqwab in all this? I think the fatbeard quotient is probably too high for his liking.
February 13, 2013 10:35 am
You know the beards would collectively shit themselves and then cancel their subscriptions if that "sex-friendly faggot" dripped his fluids anywhere near the GYGAX brand. It's not like they haven't done it before.
WTF? permalinkFebruary 13, 2013 9:02 am
You forgot…
Candy, Cartoons and Ritual Sacrifice: Getting Kids Involved In RPGs / Geoffrey McKinney
February 13, 2013 10:00 am
Ha! He could also do:
Now that Bledsaw is Dead, Just File Off the Serial Numbers and Send it to Raggs: The True Story of Isle of the Unblown and Getting Published in the OSR.
February 13, 2013 10:32 am
>Now that Bledsaw is Dead
Surely there's space in GYGAX for Mishler too. Maybe a how-to column on self-publishing for fun and profit?
February 13, 2013 9:34 am
May I suggest a regular column?
Counting the Hexes — by Alexis/ Brilliant Commentaries Beyond Your Feeble Ability To Comprehend
Of course, they're going to need to increase the page count of the mag.
February 13, 2013 9:48 am
Isn't Gygax Magazine a bit plebeian for him?
February 13, 2013 10:24 am
Alexis wants you all to know he's punk rock as fuck and wrote a book to prove it. Clock is ticking for the weekend, nerds!
February 13, 2013 10:01 am
Last I heard he was working on his City of Br(ass)for Troll Lord. Probably got fed up, He did with Paizo back in the Dungeon magazine days and shit out a few things forBlack Blade Publishing before becoming the Alex Jones for the Grogturds.
February 13, 2013 10:24 am
Does anyone who's worked with Kuntz in the last 20 years have anything good to say about him? It doesn't seem like it. Then again, he's so important and brilliant that the rest of us can't be expected to understand him.
February 13, 2013 12:14 pm
No one. The problem with Kuntz is that in his mind he is bigger than anyone. He feels that he is more important, and that he should have been the successor of Gygax.
February 13, 2013 10:54 am
In front of his computer in AZ, Blooeymage nervously checks YDIS and smiles and sighs with relief. He turns toward the bed where he sees the middle age, fugly dog trainer is scratching a nagging itch between the toes of her right foot while squinting and fumbling at the night table with her other hand trying to locate her glasses. "Babe," says Blooey, "it's finally over. After a month and a half it's finally over."
She says nothing, because she is not really there.
GeneWeigel permalinkFebruary 13, 2013 11:54 am
I was in the wake of the Kuntz BS with NG and one of those guys named Bill did some nervous breakdown on this old forum. I was believing they disagreed with Kuntz on some kind of principle and told the plain truth. It was pure BS. They should just told me in an email but they were so concerned about their business that they let me fry in some kind pitiful vengeance. I think I dislike them more. Just because they weren't that good contentwise
February 13, 2013 12:29 pm
You sound like a cross between Kuntz and Conley, Genie.
It is obvious that Kuntz couldn't deliver the last part of the Zayene stuff, and that he played his victim card (like you are doing). Read the link above – if you really can read.
So how did they let you "fry"? Post a link or put the Gygax pacifier back in.
February 13, 2013 12:29 pm
What a load of horseshit! Basically you are a toxic quality to any gaming community that no one would ever want around.. No one 'let you fry', you self martyring fuck. RKuntz and Bill just let you hang yourself and walked away from the fuck faced Gygax pole chocker that you are.
BTW Breault DID hand you your own lily white ass!
GeneWeigel permalinkFebruary 13, 2013 2:11 pm
Heh, all I can directly say is:
I'm not a junkie so… don't know why these people would make me think that there was something legitimate going on there because they got fried by it. I'm no victim but what of the real dudes who bought this malarkey after I warned them? Who mourns for their losses I don't even recall who his next "marks" were but at least I warned them
February 13, 2013 2:17 pm
Good OP.
Tedious comments.
February 13, 2013 2:51 pm
Another proud member of the G.A.F.U.S. Society ("Gay-Ass-Faggots-Use-Smilies").
February 13, 2013 4:08 pm
Jesus will be paying you a visit soon, leper.
You and Arneson's Spectre are the only certifiable commenters here. It would not surprise me to learn you were posting comments from the same mental institution.
February 13, 2013 4:21 pm
There is a point where he mutters jokingly about killing GROGGGG-nard if he discovers too much about his work on OD&D-like open models of gaming. The rest of the interview is full of coy inarticulate repetitive references to this.
I actually respect and understand what he is saying about how closed and limited most gamers are following the TSR models as if that was everything D&D was about. I just wish he would make his points without trying to make money from it.
February 13, 2013 4:23 pm
Oh, 🙂
February 13, 2013 6:28 pm
After three years online in these forums I still do not understand how someone posting a video interview thinks they have a right to only,"+1. Good on ya mate!" kind of feedback. Why would they even want that all the time.
Worse is the hysteria and mob lynching associated with ordinary criticism on forums.
I don't understand it. Its not adult.
February 14, 2013 8:47 am
"Kent is a habitual troll who thrives on provoking arguments online. He seems to honestly believe he is more intelligent than most other people and somehow thinks this makes him superior in some way. He fails to see that this very attitude simply makes him appear to be a clown in the eyes of most people."
austrodavicus is spot on about kent though.
Lord of Green Drizzleshits permalinkFebruary 14, 2013 1:50 pm
austrodavicus is the lapdog of the Jamal-escenti. His nose is so far up their asses, it's hard to tell where his nostrils end and their stomach ulcers begin.
February 14, 2013 6:37 pm
You are of course correct, Drizzleshits. I was just pointing out his Idiot Savant-like wisdom regarding Kent.
February 13, 2013 6:27 pm
😉 its not winking. I think its more like I'm stabbing peoples eyes…
February 13, 2013 3:40 pm
I can see why Gene's posts might a few of the highly-strung shit-belchers around here the wrong way, but fucking hell he deserves some credit for posting a video of himself weakly knocking an actual flail against a board. Go Gene, and fuck the spittle flecked ied sufferers
February 13, 2013 6:45 pm
That was hard ass plaster from the 1920's, I think… What it did do was make clean quarter size holes which was interesting. That IED remark is weird. What is that supposed to mean? An anti-war remark about weapons? Bizarre!
February 14, 2013 1:28 am
Sorry Gene, I had no idea. Those guys didn't fuck about, 1920's ass plaster was built to last. I am most definitely not anti-war by the way, I think it's mostly awesome.
February 14, 2013 6:02 am
Textbook cases abound on this forum for sure – many sweaty twitching palpitators sweating and swearing furiously as they shake their tiny fists at Gene or James or whoever
"Intermittent explosive disorder (IED) is a behavioral disorder characterized by extreme expressions of anger, often to the point of uncontrollable rage, that are disproportionate to the situation at hand. It is currently categorized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as an impulse control disorder.
Impulsive aggression is unpremeditated, and is defined by a disproportionate reaction to any provocation, real or perceived.
Individuals diagnosed with IED report their outbursts were brief (lasting less than an hour), with a variety of bodily symptoms (sweating, chest tightness, twitching, palpitations) reported by a third of one sample. The violent acts were frequently reported accompanied by a sensation of relief, and in some cases, pleasure, but accompanied by remorse after the fact."
February 14, 2013 7:49 am
Hey Francie this ain't a fucking forum. You want one of those go give YDIS a blumpkin and ask him. During that you realize no one here gets mad or needs copy and paste psychotherapy to settle their tits down.
February 14, 2013 8:00 am
All these sex jokes and one seeming off track remark threw me way off.
Can I give evil wink here? Nooo… I'll skip it.
Impulsive aggression, you say? Thats weird.
Alright if that is true, then do you think its a genotype of rpg gamer? This aggressor breed? I can verify that there is a thief genotype who plays thieves from experience for sure. Maybe I closed the doors for that type of player or perhaps its simply because I'm outspoken that they just fall in line.
The only rip the character sheet guy I know eventually had a nervous breakdown.
February 14, 2013 8:46 am
Moob, I was kind enough to give Gene an explanation on the IED thing since he was all pissy about my perceived anti-war stance. The quid pro quo is that he can now give Suckling that tender Valentine's day blumpkin he appears to be so keen on.
February 14, 2013 10:50 am
Explaining anything to Gene is a complete waste of ti…waitaminit!!!
I hearby, nominate Francie as the YDIS mental helper and this for that special blumpkin giver for all!
oh and umm…
February 13, 2013 7:27 pm
Highly-strung shit-belchers ?! What the hell Francie?! I had cancer last year. Or at least I thought I did. Turns out it was a moldy Cheetos stuck under my left man titty. After that I hold nothing back. If Weigel puts up a video of a four part unveiling of Gygax Magazine and says he did it because he was bored instead of saying he was looking to play Rusty Trombone with Tim Kask who am I to judge?
Still, he has bigger man udders than me and I hate him eternally for that.
February 13, 2013 8:16 pm
And heres the brutal truth:
The technology is easier than it used to be, Its all one click with the new cameras.
I was around Tim Kask briefly and I honestly couldn't think of anything to ask.
I'm sure they all had fun back in the day but honestly the only reason I talked to Gary was not to see how he measured on the weird games graph compared to other game designers (which seems to be the source of this cock and balls homosexual derision. Sandy Peterson? Is that you?) or because he was a celebrity but it was because he actually talked content and not business side BS. Which is what you get from a lot of these RPG con people old and new. I once had a notion that the RPG biz was one big thing because of DUNGEON HOBBY SHOP catalogs in the early 80's but I slowly discovered that its not all on the historical miniatures into fantasy view that I come from. Thats fine but I'm nothing else besides that.
Historical miniatures into fantasy.
So lets raise a manboob in toast to… OH, WHAT A GIVE AWAY!
February 14, 2013 1:33 am
Manboob, sorry to hear about your hygiene related health scare. That kind of thing can impel even the most stable mind to madness.
February 14, 2013 7:24 am
Look Francie, you seem like a nice guy with all your medical and psychological know whats. Give your busy body handy pants self a sugar frosted fuck off and get on with either bashing Gene or RKuntz.. 'k?
February 14, 2013 8:23 am
iiii Fanfare rondeau plays in the background. iiii
" As the patron god of humanoid mercenaries falls over in defeat with his throne room filled with the fallen forms of six humanoid century divisions. You behold that on this version of reality the coffered ceiling is encrusted with 100 Gems of Healthy Plenum and Weig's Lucid Sphere of Ready Cash…"
iiiii CRASH iiiiii
Kask lickin old school scum!!!!! This is how you swing a flail!
iiiiBASH, Looks around as Gene's limp form bleeds out to the surprise of the game participants.iiiii
Er…. sorry?
February 14, 2013 10:55 am
Hey, Gene if this keeps up you owe me a brofist for giving your crusty dickcheese YouTube video a little bump. Who knows maybe you'll get enough views from it to be the next Gungam style. You'll need some music to go along with it. Maybe you can ask Wheggi over at K&KA forums for some prog rock.
Or maybe you'll get enough hits to get a buck or two that you can spend at Subway. Either way you're welcome!
February 14, 2013 6:34 pm
I'm no stranger to the YouTube mania over videos. My second video spread so rapidly I had to delete the recorded game sessions. All the music was up for copyright violations and the fan mail was so enormous I don't think I've sorted through it yet. The biggest success was for the bogus after credits on PART DEUX because it was singing PANCHO & LEFTY to the then recently departed Gary as fake credits rolled. Yes…. It was just that bad… I mean good. So in the manner of Jeff Bridges in THE VANISHING I did an equally potent opposite act to balance that out… recording the Gygax Games unboxing…
WHAT!? I can't wink here?
February 15, 2013 12:56 pm
Mighty Gene Weigel worried about music copyright violation? On YouTube?! Fer Christ's sake kid! Show some testicular fortitude and stand up to the man for…oh wait you never stand for anything when accountability comes before attitude.
February 13, 2013 4:14 pm
==== From the Gospel according to Matthew ====
==== Jesus encounters the first of two spiritually putrid lepers
When Jesus came down from the mountainside a leper followed him pulling at his tunic,
"Unhand me, excrescence" Jesus said "you disgust me. Who are you?"
"I am the one who pretends to be Arneson's Spectre. Nobody loves me." the leper cried.
"I can see why," Jesus frowned. "Well, I will cure you if you promise to go about the place reciting my good deeds and so forth."
"Oh thank you Jesus", exclaimed the leper Arneson's Spectre who was unloved from birth.
Jesus placed his hands on the object the leper Arneson's Spectre referred to as his head.
Jesus soon shuddered and stepped back two paces.
"Unique and intriguing," Jesus gasped. "No avail. You have leprosy of the mind. I cannot help you."
"Goodbye!" said Jesus "Good morning!" and he hurried away down the dusty road.
A tiny yellow bird came near, shat in Arneson Spectre's eye and seemed content with this.
February 13, 2013 5:33 pm
Sean Fannon on Facebook posted the following today:
Friends and Colleagues of the RPG and Gaming Hobby and Industry –
One of our own, James Mishler, is having a HELL of a time right now, and it is incumbent upon us all to do what we can to step up and help this stalwart member of our tribe in what ways we can. Just check out his latest post to see what I mean.
In this, I ask that you all at least share the following link, which is for his page of products on DriveThruRPG. Buy stuff if you can, and get your friends to. He's a great designer and writer, a decent human being, and a friend in need.
We know what to do. Let's do it.
He follows this up with:
Friends, we really need your thoughts and prayers right now. The last couple of weeks have been just this side of a slice of hell. The dead man and the flood were only a preview… and now things are getting worse. Our car needs a $500 repair job; we've lost our auto insurance because we couldn't afford to keep up with the bill; the only job interview I've had in the last six months went nowhere; and now the landlord is hounding us to leave because we are not on the lease. We've got nowhere to go (and with the car kaput, no way to get there, anyway). Frankly, I'm at my wit's end and Jodi… well, she's in a bad state. We've sold just about anything that anyone wants to buy, and the few things we have left, well, we've got one storage payment left in us and then we won't have any "things" left to worry about. We are destitute and desperate at a level I've never even comprehended before. Thus any thoughts, prayers, job tips, anything… anything you could do to help would be most appreciated.
February 14, 2013 2:56 pm
Is Mishler's shit any good? Cause I'll buy one of those two dollar modules so he and the proud missus' can share a McDouble and a value menu diet coke. But wait, they probably won't have money for the tax on that. Fuck it.
Maybe Satine Penix can appeal to her comic shop game following and set-up a charity gang bang record. But none of this "the same 50 guys multiple times" shit. She needs to go to Garycon or wherever and get several hundred smelly beard-o's to eagerly step up. Does Garycon even get several hundred people to attend? Maybe I haven't thought this through enough. Anyway, no cum dodging allowed, Satine. You gots to gobble it gleefully with that huge maw of yours, with maybe a little gargling, like in them thar dirty movies you done.
February 14, 2013 6:16 pm
Tell Mishler to give me a call (collect) when he's living homeless on the street in a few weeks. My buddy and I are getting the Bum Fights videos franchise going again and I'll have plenty of work for him then. We pay extra for toothless bums. We're also doing a new Poop Dollar video series and I'm going to need some homeless bums to shit on some dollar bills for me if he's interested. Wiping his ass with dollar bills for money shouldn't be too much of a stretch for a failed blOwSR publisher I'm guessing. As long as he can yell "POOP DOLLAR!" at the tranny hookers and African American homosexuals that will gladly pick them up.
February 14, 2013 6:39 pm
This could be an opportunity for ol' Jamal to get back a little positive karma and good will with the game community by peeling off a few hundy from his Kickstarter loot and "giving back to the OSR" by helping Mish at least get his car running so he and the woif will have something to live in down by the river or railway yard. But then again, it looks like he already spent a good chunk of it getting back the good will of his spoiled brats after them mostly growing up with a broke-ass dad who thought "work" was a four letter word.
Really, after these would be but failed OSR profiteers like Mish and Blooeymage saw how much scratch Jimmy Geekface bilked out of the OSR with his bland offerings, showering his children with Christmas Gold, it's a mother fucking wonder they haven't closed the garage door and taken a nap in the car with the engine running.
deathsdj permalinkFebruary 13, 2013 7:32 pm
I'm kinda new around here but I'm really enjoying all the hate. I like to hate too. Bloodymage is the worst mod at Dragonshole as well as a dickhead so he deserves everything he gets. This place would be a lot cooler if you hated on Black Blade more too… Those guys suck it hard.
Kilgore Trout permalinkFebruary 13, 2013 9:02 pm
What is it with these hobby blogger/publishers begging for stuff? Why do they keep expecting others to pick up the tab so they can 'live the dream'? Sure I'd live to sit on my arse and spend a couple if hours a day crapping out some D&D stuff but since I've chosen to inhabit the real world with a wife and kids and stuff I couldn't possibly be so self indulgent.
Great link to the necromancer forums. I know believe that Kuntz is a far greater arsehole than Jim the Scam.
February 14, 2013 1:34 am
Does anyone know if it is true that the Knights & Knaves Alehouse is now selling tumbleweed to pay hosting costs?
Zarathustra permalinkFebruary 14, 2013 4:17 am
I used to be ambivalent about Gene Wiegel, rants are usually only interesting if they make a coherent point somewhere after all. But now I see the fuckin' antique shit up with a flail side, I'm impressed.
February 14, 2013 6:21 am
kent got Cuntz to show up whining on that ODD forum thread – great job!
Have a +1 kent! And an exalt!
February 14, 2013 6:24 am
So Frog God's burger boy and that Grognard Games bloke might be teaming up with Kuntz to publish his six-year-in-the-making book of rantings…hmmm…
February 14, 2013 7:27 am
I heard the working title was Bastardry John Galt in the Maze of Zayne.
February 14, 2013 6:28 pm
Check out this awesome thread over at Big Purple Dildo:
Everybody's favorite Rape Lover (other than JRT) James "Grimm Jim" Desborough is getting lambasted again by the circus freaks that make up that Ultra Liberal North Korean Utopia that is RPGNet. The only thing funnier than seeing that piece of shit rapist Desborough get libelously shit upon are the comments by the pieces of shit that hate him, especially that tranny sideshow freak Zeea. To add to the hilarity, Garth Michael Skanka makes an appearance and eventually permabans out defending Grim Jim McRapeypants, all while his Adam Ant Entertainment pre-orders and Kickstarters continue to go unfulfilled yet another week. Definitely my gamer outrage thread pick of the week.
February 15, 2013 2:48 am
You know this is going to be a quality thread when right at the start you read:
"I'm conflicted. I like angus Abranson. He's good people. But I don't think James Desborough is good people, and I can't in good faith support a company that hires him."
If this person has such principles, they probably read no books, view no TV shows, go to any movies, play any video games, or, in short, consume anything. There is always going to be someone you don't like, and to cut your nose off to spite your face is silly as hell.
You also have to love gamers. They love to act like Internet tough guys, as well as love to share their learned opinions.
It was also nice to see the brief appearance of the Charybdis of the Game Industry, GMS, be given his boot in the ass.
February 15, 2013 7:12 am
You are going to be shocked to learn that political correctness has triumphed in every arena of intellectual freedom , Guy Who Runs With Scissors.
What's really disturbing is that in the real world, outside of politics & entertainment (where expression of ideas is supposed to matter), topics like rape are ignored.
For example; in the USA, there is no rape (legally), unless it's involving a vagina. This is in more than 40 of the states. Thus, a man CANNOT be raped, among other injustices. A cop in new york just got (a hefty) sentence for sexual assault; for forcing a female teacher to give him oral sex at gun point & then sodomizing her, but couldn't be guilty of rape.
In small towns across that country, even "true" rapes are swept under the rug, as long as they are done by those that a community has invested their (false) pride in, such as athletes.
You know a society is really sick when all it's ire is focused on imaginary or intellectual affronts, rather than doing something about the reality.
Hmmm, there might be a lesson somewhere in that for YDIS…naw, couldn't be. Venting spleen over a few G wasted on some obscure hobby scam surely is more important than billions & trillions stolen by banksters, etc.
February 15, 2013 7:19 am
My favorite part are the gamer "chicks" that get raped at least five times at every gaming convention they attend, yet somehow police reports are never filed. They remind me of those chicks you would hook up with at drunken frat parties in college for a one night stand and when you didn't call them back the next day, they would go to the dean screaming RAPE! Then when a real rapist like JRT comes along, that scumbag gets away with it because of all the crying wolf.
Don't get me started on the online freaks who think avatar rape is equivalent to real rape. BTW, my avatar is raping Bloodymage's avatar as I type this.
February 15, 2013 7:38 am
Thank goodness for that last part, Scottt! You had me thinking you were knowledgeable for a few seconds!
As the resident white knight, I'll just say that those who whine about political correctness destroying our manly society and intellectual freedoms or whatthegodamnfuckever are those that just wanna spew their racist, mysoginistic, nazi crap and hate being called on it.
It was great reading about Skarka getting the shoeleather. maybe he can get back to Far West…what are the odds?
February 15, 2013 10:25 am
If you had said "Sustare's Shit Bubbles" we would be totally back on topic.
February 15, 2013 8:34 am
So gengis, what I'm getting is that you'd prefer rape to sodomy? Gene, can you help this guy out?
February 15, 2013 11:07 am
I'm not going to claim to know the laws in Britain regarding rape and sodomy but I do think this is one of those British versus America sci/fantasy things and its hard to sort through sometimes.
I see a lot of Brits conditioned to a certain type of low brow humor disguised as something clever because its conveyed with a superficial educated tone. There are many of these dumb but seeming clever types over here in a America but since the UK is so small in comparison I believe they've aggressively taken over a lot of their media whereas the USA gets its long distance coast to coast continuity from sports which sounds cruder in superficiality when creators aim for popular success. The UK is the same voice as America but it has:
A) Lack of diverse backgrounds
B) Solid traditions which makes it more flexible
So when a writer/designer/creator makes a UK hit over there it sometimes comes across the pond as a fucking nightmare here in the states. For example, look up the comic book industry in the 80's and you'll see there was demand for crudity from Britain amongst publishers. I heard a rumor by the 90's internally DC comics would only hire new writers from Britain.
Now that said, I have not read "Desborough" so I'm not attacking or defending him.
WTF? permalinkFebruary 15, 2013 12:35 pm
Here's the deal, living on an island full of fuckwits (whether it be Britain, Ireland or Long Island) doesn't entitle you to a different standard of behavior. Blithering Gygax cockgobblers, drunk, arrogant queens and over-the-hill, talentless, rape-fetishists don't become more socially acceptable just because we know they are an inevitable product of their environments.
February 15, 2013 1:08 pm
Ah, Gene you nutty defender of douchebag free speakers You'll White Knight anyone being attacked because they can't keep their smegma encrusted fantasy wang in their pants. Read what Desborough has done and then come join the conversation.
February 15, 2013 1:12 pm
Hah, Mr. Manboobs, you are hitting Gene below the belt. He hasn't read anything since T1.
February 15, 2013 1:47 pm
I keep forgetting that. Thanks man.
February 16, 2013 10:00 am
The idea I'm immune to rape is the amusing bit.
I'm (gasp) with Gene it seems; one should be able to express their opinions or ideas (& possibly get mocked, ridiculed or scorned for them) & still be able to perform in other areas of society.
I know nothing of this "Desborough", but I'm assuming he's not an actual/convicted rapist (sorry, "sexual assaulter"). Rape is often handled poorly & over frequently by hack writers, but if the nerd rage is over mere fiction, it's awful to start trying to blacklist.
Sorry, YDIS, I shouldn't be expecting you to be Matt Taibbi. Still, the fictional rape getting treated more seriously/paid more attention to than rapes in reality irks me. Rape (sorry, Sexual Assault) is sky high these days in the US military (& covered/hushed up), Huzza that women can now serve in the front lines though! More men are raped, I mean, sexually assaulted, than women in the USA now each year; a result of a private for profit prison-industrial complex in the US. Gotta be tough on non-volent crime though!
Shit! Piss! Fuck! (no, that's german porn)
By the power of Sustarre's Shit Storm! ( thanks Timothy, but watch the spelling, a grog might blacklist you for missing the second r)
February 15, 2013 11:48 am
Friday Forum Fun:
Could somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on with this dude who made the thread? He's a douche bag regular at DF, is fat, middle aged, and has rape-eyes, but he somehow got several decent chicks over to his place for some highly organized and tidy gaming. He even seems to be able to get them to eat his rat-shaped goodies that look like bowl movements. Did he kidnap their families and is holding them hostage till they play some D&D with him? Does he have naked photos taken through their bedroom windows that he threatened to post online? Lots of us have had females at our games, but that this particular creepy looking OSRtard got these girls to his house is highly suspect.
For extra fun, read on a bit and see T. Foster joke about the wily ol' Thorkhammer jizzing all over his keyboard after seeing the thread, and Thorky chiming in to confirm that he is indeed cumming all over his keyboard, and may be up for stalking the perky young 'un.
February 15, 2013 1:00 pm
Good ol' rat on a stick is a crowdpleaser everytime!
February 15, 2013 1:10 pm
The total shocker for me is at the end of that thread, when sir allen says they never came back.
My God, non-chubby halter-topped women NOT returning to roll dice with the Lollapaloser duo of Fat and Fatter?
Just like Liberace being gay – never saw that coming.
February 15, 2013 1:49 pm
Those women probably saw the thread and filed a restraining order against the entire population of DF. It creeped me out, I can only imagine how they might have felt. Also, why do so many gamers have thier (beastly) wives in their fucking avatars?
February 15, 2013 6:39 pm
Speaking of beastly gamer wives, here's some SERIOUS TITTY FUCKING:
February 15, 2013 1:20 pm
Honestly? He might be a nice guy. Funny. Sensitive. Charitable. Outgoing. Brave.
Hung like a donkey…
Heh, lots of people play games in all different situations.
As brutally honest as I can be, I think more non-game types relate to original D&D or AD&D than obscure rpgs because it had so much media attention.
I think there is a lot of grown women who were raised on derivative games that wear the label "geek" comfortably which I'm not too comfortable playing a game with.
The girls who played D&D in the 80's were not the ones that I got "off the street" from bulletin boards in the 00's for sure.
February 15, 2013 1:52 pm
HAHA! Gene, no one (girls or guys) is comfortable with gaming with you after those flail videos.
February 15, 2013 6:01 pm
Honestly? He might be a nice guy. Funny. Sensitive. Charitable. Outgoing. Brave.
Hung like a donkey…
Heh, lots of people play games in all different situations…"
It's obvious that the guy had some angle to get the gals there that has nothing to do with your suggestions, but hey believe whatever you have to in order to make it through another one of your dismal days, dipshit. Just the way you express yourself in writing makes me think you are living in a blurry haze.
Until somebody can provide a real explanation as to what Sir Allan was up to (and he started that thread in a way that made it seem the readers should already be aware of it), I'm going with the theory that he posted a notice at a local community college offering pay to gals who would come play D&D for a couple hours. Maybe he was hoping to start some I Hit it With my Axe type show of his own or some shit (with better looking chicks). That not a single one returned to play with him is a pretty strong indication that they weren't there because they wanted to play D&D with creeps. Something was in it for them besides beers and rat on a stick.
February 15, 2013 6:24 pm
Ive had some banter with SirAllen at Dragonsfoot over the years. He's a good lad with a great sense of humour.
Anyone who thinks otherwise is a stupid cunt.
February 15, 2013 6:31 pm
That's like every creepy gamer guy stereotype in one thread. I bet he sniffed the dining room seats and jacked off all night long after they left too. Did he call up an escort service and rent them out for the night to game or something? Was it just a Show and Tell for the unblown social retards over at Dragonsfart to spaz out over? And who's the creepy lesbo gamer "one of these things is not like the other" chick? There's a sorted tale to be told there as well I'm sure.
February 15, 2013 6:45 pm
And I love how the thread goes from creepy gamer lecher talk to talk to playing D&D with children next. I predict some Dragonsfooter setting off an Amber Alert in the very near future.
February 15, 2013 7:40 pm
"Captain Kirks Dick Blood Aneurysmed In Brain" said SNIP dismal days, dipshit. Just the way you express yourself in writing makes me think you are living in a blurry haze. SNIP
February 16, 2013 11:03 am
You would be the one in a that haze dizzleshit Gene.
Ritter permalinkFebruary 15, 2013 7:07 pm
Hahahahaha! The picture he chose for his little D&D booklet at the beginning of the thread just about says it all.
The Minotaur's Left Testicle permalinkFebruary 16, 2013 7:47 am
That is seriously one of the most pathetic thread I have ever read on any RPG site.
"Look guys! Real women!!"
February 16, 2013 10:13 am
I'm pretty sure "Sir Allen" games with women pretty frequently. Shocking, I know, but not ever gamer is a social retard, has Asperger's, etc
There IS a higher than normal % of them among gamers though, so the comments that follow are no real surprise.
February 15, 2013 7:09 pm
Sir Allen does mention that one was his wife and another his sister in law, and he didn't really seem that kreepy to me. Some if thse othe guys, though, wtf?
February 15, 2013 8:25 pm
The media attention of D&D and AD&D, Gene? You do realize the 700 Club ran it's D&D Pat Pulling special like 30 fucking years ago right? Oh yeah, I forgot that every other RPG EVAR written was just a crab on Gygax's nutsack. Fuck, White Wolf got plenty more exposure during the 90's and onwards than D&D did during that same time but you were probably too busy trying to find the missing room in the Forgotten Temple of Tharizdun to notice. I realize the idea that there was progress and popularity beyond the shadow of Gygax is alien to you, Gene, but there have been advancements and, believe it or not, a few authors out there made a couple sheckles off their products even. That said… CYBORG COMMANDO!!! CYBORG COMMANDO!!! CYBORG FUCKING COMMANDO!!! I suppose Gene blames Mentzer and Mohan for that one and that Gygax's crude outline was godlike mana from the heavens….
February 16, 2013 5:55 am
White Wolf? I don't understand that at all. That was nobody's household name as far as I know. "Okay kids, its vampire night!!!" It didn't happen.
As to the CYBORG game thats not representative of a designer who is legally unfettered. (See GDW lawsuit.)
February 16, 2013 7:13 am
No Cyborg Commando is representative of a hack. It also is a reminder that cocaine is a hell of a drug
February 16, 2013 9:46 am
Yeah, I believe that story's source about as much my own ventures in 2006 needed "capital" from my relatives behind my back from the same source.
February 16, 2013 11:04 am
Because Gene, you were all that ever mattered in gaming.
What a self sucking fuckwit you are Gene.
February 16, 2013 5:12 pm
Just keep replying to yourself over and over.
February 16, 2013 7:34 pm
Aww, I'm sorry am I hurting your feelings Gene? Because you are a chubby fuck faced fuck who rode the short bus doesn't mean that I can't make fun of you.
yoyoco permalinkFebruary 15, 2013 9:56 pm
February 16, 2013 6:27 am
I do not support the Prison Rape Elimination Act of 2003 because prison rape is part of the punishment and serves as an effective deterrent to crime. It's not 100%, though, as the likes of Kent and Eugene Weigel would probably get off on getting raped in prison.
February 16, 2013 6:45 am
Well I never even heard of your regrets about prison but I'm glad your recovering your sphyncter…
February 16, 2013 11:05 am
Don't worry Gene. We'll get you a nice cell with JRT and you both can have reach around night.
February 16, 2013 6:28 am
This just about sums it up for Hobby Publishers. From Brave Halfling:
"So, my Apple charger caught on fire today
I LOVE my Apple notebook. It runs great, is super reliable and light. But the charger sparked flames all over the place and nearly caught our carpet on fire today.
VERY frustrating."
What is even better he has a photo to prove it caught fire. I think he was afraid someone would call bullshit.
February 16, 2013 5:59 pm
Yeah, Geno, keep telling yourself White Wolf never amounted to anything in the roleplaying universe.Then you can gently rock yourself to sleep that even Palladium has carved itself out a nice niche in the hobby. Given, White Wolf was more of a household name and was getting played a lot more during the 90's while you were fondling your copies of Gord the Rogue in your wee stained undergarments and people were clucking their collective tongues at the sad old git. "Hey, Geno, want to try Ars Magica?" Of course not, it was just a paler rip off of Gygax's collective genius! CYBORG FUCKING COMMANDOS DEPLOY!!!!
February 17, 2013 10:08 am
My POV must be like Zardoz to this person! One day they are going to realize that rpgs jumped the shark with "its Satan's game" unfortunately it won't be around someone saying White Wolf, Palladium and /or GURPS, etc.,etc., etc. are unplayable. That would be devastating to their out of pocket expense of years into low yield product. In Gene Weigel's book its never too late to "tune in, turn on and drop out" (drugs optional). GO AHEAD! Flip out on Sandy Peterson and say CoC is all a pile of non-genre garbage. Do it. Thats what I say. Just read a Lovecraft story and look at the baseline of the RPG. Its like night and day. Same for Palladium. Who does that serve? You? Or some weird geek named Siembieda's ego of getting over on suckers buying cut and paste statted bland gazetteers? I'm not anyone's enemy except these fucking leeches selling this "just as good" crap. Never mind CYBORG COMMANDO. Do you think I played that crap? I bought it in a comic book shop on the outskirts of Tampa, Florida when I was on a unique road of being in a luxurious situation but trying to get the hell back to my old friends in NYC and away from insincere and superficial people. I read it in depth in this "golden prison" ( no I didn't get ass raped but I'm sure you'd like that) but when I finally got what I wanted I left old "CC" that day. It wasn't that interesting. The only thing that I was thinking was all the sci-fi rpg products attempts priorly. Campaigns that burned… RINGWORLD… STARFLEET… STAR FRONTIERS… SPACE LAW… TRAVELLER… only GW in its lack of skill checks was playable beyond the first few tries. Maybe I could adapt "COMMANDO" for GW unfortunately the new GW came out around that time and I wasn't impressed by its mirroring of the "big characters/bad play" that the trends were doing elsewhere. Gygax is an excuse for you and its a language that I can talk to you that you can understand. It has nothing to do with gameplay. Its all those who disagreed with keeping it simple that are the bad guys. Gygax means nothing. Peterson! Siembieda! Cook! These are like RPG curses.
February 17, 2013 1:07 pm
Yes Gene you are wrong as usual. A lot of people play games that you find shitastic. This has been a long weekend for you hasn't it? Your meds should arrive Tuesday.
February 17, 2013 1:29 pm
So in your language on Bizarro world, "fresh air" means "more poison"? Check. We'll get "my meds" meaning "your meds" soon. I mean "never"! Continue to "enjoy" your "great" rpgs, "friend"!
February 17, 2013 3:06 pm
I never said fresh air you assmunching retard. When was that spoke of? Seriously, FUCK!
Gene, really you need to see a doctor you are so delusional I think you are about to stroke out. I figure you are on medicare because no one would ever employ a mouthbreathing shitstain like you so you have to be unemployed and on some state or federal aid program.
Games that you don't like are played by people you probably don't like either. Because you don't like them does not mean they are badwrongfun or didn't find a following. As a matter of fact you not liking them only makes them better. Your hippy dippy 'tune in tune out' bullshit does not make AD&D a good game simply because you say it is so. But, since you can't read or understand anything but Gygaxian prose in your unmedicated state, I'll throw you a little boner here.
I like AD&D (first edition) and just hate you.
Gene you shit eating fuckwipe please go find a first edition DMG to lick maybe the ink will restore you to some sanity. Take some time to read and understand that you are the one in bizarro land fuckface.
February 17, 2013 7:45 pm
Gene's had his head buried in the sand so long his brain is just completely starved for oxygen. You know, keeping it on topic with fresh air.
February 18, 2013 5:46 am
I like AD&D (first edition) TRANSLATION: My perthfernder and/or "dark birthscape realms" has no legs to stand on.
February 18, 2013 9:14 am
Translation Gene: You are a retarded fuckfaced fuck of a fool who tacks on things that have no relevance son. You see Pathfinder/Birthright as some sort of cut down? You really need to step it up shit stain.
blahblahblah permalinkApril 3, 2013 9:06 pm
This place reeks of jealousy. Perhaps one day the internet will disappear, offering a catalyst for such useless commentary to return to its proper place beneath the rocks of irrelevancy. One can only hope…

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Remember that time we had an original thought?
Started by his voice
she put down her book.
The book with no pages.
Removing her glasses,
the ones with no lenses.
Her mouth stinging from a memory she couldn't share,
the one she kept in that book.
Started by her inner voice
she paced towards him,
measuring the equidistance between them
to that thought.
Still right where it should be.
I must write this in my book she posed,
right after I find my glasses
originally posted Nov 22nd, 2016


text:
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text:
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Get info about the Encyclopedia of Networking and Telecommunicatons, 3rd edition (2001)
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NTP (Network Time Protocol)
Related Entries Web Links New/Updated Information
Note: Many topics at this site are reduced versions of the text in "The Encyclopedia of Networking and Telecommunications." Search results will not be as extensive as a search of the book's CD-ROM.
NTP is an Internet protocol that devices can use to obtain the most accurate time possible via radio or atomic clocks at various locations on the Internet. The protocol can synchronize the time of a computer client or server to another server or reference time source. Time provided by NTP servers is typically accurate within milliseconds.
SNTP (Simple Network Time Protocol) is an adaptation of the NTP, which is used to synchronize computer clocks in the Internet. SNTP can be used when the ultimate performance of the full NTP implementation described in RFC-1305 (Network Time Protocol Version 3, March 1992) is not needed or justified.
Refer to the following RFCs for more information:
Copyright (c) 2001 Tom Sheldon and Big Sur Multimedia.


text:
Where No Sprite Has Gone Before
By Chris Hyduk
First Aired:
September 24th, 1997
Click here to hear this episodes intro!
Memorable Quote:
"We...Mustn't...Fight amongst...Ourselves!"
Attention Star Trek Fans!!
This Episode was written by D.C. Fontana, writer of such famous Star Trek episodes as "Tomorrow is Yesterday", "Encounter at Farpoint" and "Dax"!! (TOS, TNG, DS9)
This episode opens with Matrix, Andraia, and Frisket emerging from a game to land in a new
(And Very Shiny)
system. They are about to go about exploring, when they are startled by a skirmish going on in the air above them. Two distinct forces are visible: A group of Sprites, some on zipboards, others flying on their own. The other group appears to be balls of energy, who are being pursued by the sprites.
Matrix takes aim at one of the balls, but is stopped by Andraia, who tells him that they should wait and see whos side they are on. The sprites leader, who the others identify as "Rob", flys into view, and Matrix is taken aback. "Bob", Matrix says to himself, as they observe the sprites capture the two floating balls, and then come to a landing nearby. Matrix pulls his rather large weapon on Cursor, and Cursor pulls out his own weapon.
(A Lightsaber!! Luke's I believe!)
The leader introduces himself as Captain Robert Cursor, leader of the Hero Selective.
(Cursor looks just like Bob, and he talks JUST like William Shatner!)
He offers to take them back to the "Hard Drive" to tell them what's going on.
They arrive at the heroes base,
(which resembles the Batcave, no REALLY!)
We learn some of the Heroes names: Pixel, Gigagirl, Power Lock, and several others.
(Including one who resembles the Mask, and even talks like Jim Carrey!)
Power Lock doesn't seem to friendly towards them, but Cursor wants to explain. He tells Matrix and Andraia that they are deliberately losing games, to make the energy beings, called Spectrols, take notice and listen to their demands. They were once Spectrols, but volenteered to be converted into Sprites to fight for the system in the games. They say that they want to become Spectrols again, but the two Spectrols they have captured do not want to believe them, and tell them that they must continue to defend the system.
The group begins to talk, and while they do, Andraia sets the Spectrols free. Power Lock gets overly mad at this, and advances on Andraia. Matrix stops him, and Andraia manages to pull a groovy stunt where she vanishes, without a trace. The Heroes now have to go out and find some more hostages, they leave, and Matrix stays behind. He tells Andraia that she can come out now, and she leaps to the floor in front of him. They argue, and Andraia wants Matrix to realize that Cursor isn't Bob, and that what she did was right. She storms out to find the Spectrols, and help them. Matrix and Andraia are now on opposite sides of the battle.
Andraia manages to find some Spectrols, and they take her to the Principle Office. One of the Spectrols there is very hostile towards Andraia, saying that she is destroying the system, and that she is responsible for all the tears that are occuring through the system. She realizes that there are many tears, and she wants them to take her to one in particular.
The Heroes return, and Matrix has a talk with Cursor. He reveals that they would never do anything to damage the system. Matrix looks at glitch, and says that they're going on a hunt.
The Spectrols take Andraia to the tear, which they promptly repair
(Andraia has a tool on her belt, which is a replica of a Tricorder from Star Trek, The Original Series!)
Andraia tells them that these tears are being created artificially, and Matrix shows up with the Heroes, who agree that there is a virus among them. Matrix tries to use Glitch to scan, but he is attacked, first by one green Spectral, The same angry one who harrassed Andraia, and then by the rest of them.This sets off fight between the two factions, and Cursor and the Spectral leader fly off. The two leaders decide to end it, and they give orders to stop fighting.
Matrix tells them that the virus may be using a cloaking device, and he scans them all. It turns out, that the virus is the green, angry Spectral
Matrix fires some shots at it, but the Virus is captured by one of the Heroes freezing him. Before he vanishes, he says that his brother is going to crash the system, and that they are all doomed. They discover that the software creating the tears is being run from the Principle Office, so they head over to it.
When they arrive, they find Frisket growling at Power Lock, who is fending him off with a chair. Matrix calls him off, and with the help of Frisket, he deduces that Power Lock is the other virus.
The virus tells them to get back, or he will push the button, and crash the system.
(The button says "Do Not Press")
The Spectrol leader attacks Power Lock, and he shoots out a ceiling panel. The panel is about to fall on Matrix, but Cursor leaps in, and pushes Matrix out of the way, only to become trapped under the platform.
Matrix Blows Power Lock away, and then goes over to Cursor.
(Here they re-enact the "Kirk Death Scene" from Star Trek, Generations!)
Cursor says some touching last words to Matrix
(This time from Star Trek 2, Spocks death scene!..."System, out of danger?").
Andraia tells Matrix that he wasn't Bob, but he says that he was a friend. The Spectrol leader says that hopefully the end of all their prejudices is near, if not now, then in The Next Generation.
Click here to return to the Season 3 page!
Next-Number 7


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For those of you who saw the RDX prototype that Acura showcased in the Detroit Auto Show that took place during January, the prototype's innovative and eye-catching features were bound to have left you waiting for more news on its development. Fast forward to the New York Auto Show and you will have all of your curiosity regarding the RDX prototype satiated by the 2019 Acura RDX; the company's latest and (so far) greatest compact luxury SUV.
The Acura RDX's design borrows a lot from the precision concept of 2016, the car has a less aggressive looking nose and its overall look places greater emphasis on sculpts that make the car look more sporty and give it an easy going kind of feel. The interior of the car is influenced by the 2016 precision concept as well; the dashboard is designed with the NSX in mind and there are several buttons that let the driver interact with various features. The most prominent feature of the Acura RDX's interior is its 10.2 inch infotainment screen, it comes with a True Touchpad Interface; the screen behaves a lot more like a smartphone screen which makes using it feel more natural. Another great thing about the infotainment system is that its screen features two "zones", allowing you to view more than one app at the same time.
The Acura RDX also boasts LED headlights, a keyless entry system, powered tailgate, a moonroof, 4G LTE Wi-Fi hotspot and more features that will make driving the RDX quite enjoyable. It also comes with the standard AcuraWatch safety suite which ensures safer driving.
The RDX also features 20 inch alloy rims with extremely thin rubber tires, coupled with glossy black accents all across the car's body that really give it a ready to rumble kind of look. Its interior is also designed to be quite sporty with either red or black leather seats with contrasting stitching and a red illuminated gauge cluster with an attractive satin finish.
Regardless of what Acura RDX variant you go for, you will get access to a 2.0 litre turbocharged engine with a whopping 272 horsepower and 280 pounds/feet of torque. The engine will be complemented by a 10 speed automatic/standard all-wheel drive, the car maker's AWD system will allow 70% of the engine's torque to reach the rear wheels, meaning that this car shall be more than capable of providing a superb amount of driving power.
The Acura RDX is going to become available in somewhere in the middle of 2018 and its pricing is yet to be announced. Till then, all we can do is sit and drool over what pictures we have of this incredible luxury SUV.


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Living in today's contemporary society is all about being efficient, especially when it comes to conducting business. Efficiency is the key to success and if you remain efficient for a period of time, you'll definitely outperform your competitors. This is the case with OSI Group. This innovative food processor has gone global, and it hasn't looked back. The company has a rich history that starts in Germany. The company's founder, Otto Kolschowski, burst onto the scene back in 1909. He was just one of many German-immigrants that made their way into the Chicagoland area. This Midwest entry point would go on to be named the "hog butcher of the world." Back in the day, OSI was known as Otto & Sons. This tiny meat locker fit in very well with the Midwest's agricultural industry, and it thrived considerably.
As cities all over the country began to spread outward, the economy began to grow mush faster. This period of time is known as the postwar economic expansion. Newer retailors and restaurants were sprouting all over these metropolitan areas, which helped to create more jobs. OSI Group benefited greatly as it began to secure deals with many leading brands. The company relocated from Oak Park, Illinois, to Maywood, Illinois. Otto Kolshowski's sons were able to secure a deal with an up-and-coming hamburger chain that was known as McDonald's. By doing so, OSI would become of the restaurant's top suppliers of beef. When the cryogenics revolution came onto the scene, OSI Group was able to expand its services by leaps and bounds because the fresh meats could now travel for longer distances.
As of today, OSI is a multinational food provider. Thanks to the company's great leadership, it has been able to make plenty of business acquisitions. Tyson Foods and Flagship Europe was just two of its major acquisitions in 2016. All in all, OSI Group isn't going anywhere in the near future, and it will continue to provide the best services in processing, in development and in sourcing for the foodservice industry.
To know more visit @ www.indeed.com/cmp/Osi-Group


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EJ#6: Pre GW2 Edition
This article series is based around the games that I play on a weekly basis, with the help of Raptr which tracks my game play times. It also allows me to summarise and highlight my week in blogging.
I've had to go back to the last couple of articles and update the numbers, since I realised I did a few earlier posts in the series and forgot about them.
I still haven't settled on a name for this article series. Since the updates also cover projects I am working on and updates on my blogging it can't be gaming exclusive.
- Etaew's Journal (EJ)
- Etaew's Week (EW) – lol I'd love to justify an EWW
- Etaew's Update (EU)
- Week Update – (WU)
This week has been a bumper week for gameplay, I have rekindled my interest in a few old addictive games, helped by the joining of a uni friend to play multiplayer.
Crusader Kings 2
Crusader Kings 2 is a Grand Strategy game by Paradox Interactive set between 1066 and 1453. It was released in February this year.
A large chunk of time was spent in one night playing multiplayer as William the Conqueror claiming England from my provinces of Normandy, and the main years of keeping the English lords in line. As well as my ally Denmark who managed to secure a number of surrounding territories. The overall objectives for our multiplayer game is to create the Empire of Britannia and the Empire of Scandinavia.
- Week Slot #1 with 23 Hours played.
- Month Slot #2 with 23 Hours played .
Dark Age of Camelot
Dark Age of Camelot (DAoC) is a Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game created by BioWare Mythic. Where three kingdoms are locked in an endless war in a world where Arthurian Lore, Celtic Legends and Nordic Mythology combine. It was released in 2001 and was my first on-line game.
During this week I reached Level 25 on my Warden finishing up the town of Ardagh and arriving in Howth. I also levelled a Ranger to Level 14 to try out the battlegrounds.
- Week Slot #2 with 5 Hours played.
- Month Slot #2 with 27 Hours played .
Aion: Ascention
Aion is a Massively Multiplayer On-line Roleplaying Game released in 2009 by NCsoft that has become Free to Play this year.
This week I reached Level 10 with my Warrior and chose the path of a Templar finishing the initial zone of Poeta. Settled into Sanctum and moved into a new zone.
A few things that I noticed during my play session this week.
- Loading speed is super fast, I didn't actually notice any loading once I got to the character select screen.
- You can change your characters animations to aid in character personalization, I really like this.
- Setting a Title applies a bonus to a stat or skill, this is super!
- I disliked having to enter an 8 digit pin to log into my character, I understand from a security perspective, but its a barrier to the casual impulse playing that I do.
- I liked a single Gathering Skill without any Gathering Equipment.
- I liked the Quest Journal, with the ability to click on important names to see more information, and the Locate button, showing where a pesky item is hiding.
- Flight Taxi Routes were enjoyable, not a static boring ride, it sweeps down over terrain giving you an enjoyable view.
- The Map has an ability to Find a NPC by Name which is awesome!
- Towns have the standard Gold Spammers, the annoying thing is that chat bubbles appear and there doesn't seem to be a reporting feature 😦
- Game Tips after showing on the loading screen display on the in-game chat log, a nice touch.
- Love Flying, and flying combat.
Weekly gaming stats:
- Week Slot #3 with 4 Hours played.
- Month Slot #6 with7 Hours played .
Borderlands is a First Person Role Playing Shooter from Gearbox Software released in 2010. It is set on an alien planet wasteland in the future.
This week the DLC was finished and we started playing through Playthrough 2.
- Week Slot #4 with 3 Hours played.
- Month Slot #1 with 42 Hours played .
This week I have re-organised the top navigation bar for the site.
- Added a new link for Streams
- Shortened the submenu texts
- Added a link to specific DAoC guides
- Added a link to specific Feature article series
The most popular posts for this week have been the following:
- DAoC: Pictish Invasion – Laying the Trap (New Quest)
- DAoC: Live Event: Pictish Invasion
- DAoC: Trials of Atlantis: Glass (40-50)
New articles this week:
- DAoC Herald – Project Update
- DAoC: 1.113 Patch Today
- DAoC: Pictish Invasion – Laying the Trap (New Quest)
DAoC Herald
I have worked and almost completed the uploading and parsing for the DAoC Herald. Individual sessions can be uploaded, and even if you use the same chatlog file, it will only upload new sessions. Sessions can then be viewed on the sessions page.
There is a bug where things do not display correctly if a player dies a natural or non-player death.
Now that the data is in, I will iron out the bugs and build up the advanced statistics.
You can give it a go in its basic form.
DAoC Wiki
I have decided to start work again on the Dark Age of Camelot Wiki, my current focus is the Quests section which covers the New User Journey.
I've also placed an adoption request for the Other Dark Age of Camelot Wiki, with an overall goal of merging the two (I want the URL it uses).
Now that Guild Wars 2 has finished patching it is time to spend my weekend on that and finish this article. See you next week.


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When nineteen-year-old Raquel McKnight's car is stolen from the mall parking deck on Christmas Eve, she is sure that her family's jingle bell jinx has struck again. And then she runs into her eighth-grade beau Gabriel McKnight. Although his kisses say he never got over her, she can't help but wonder if he's somehow part of the jinx. Has the holiday hex finally come to an end? Or will she add a broken heart to a long list of Christmas calamity?
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Jon covers several more bad Star Wars games, before talking about toys and some of Jon's favorite Star Wars games.
|JonTron's StarCade: Episode 8 - Everything Else!
|December 11th 2015
| StarCade
| Jon, Gordon Tarpley as C3PO's actor, Mick Lauer as C3PO's voice, Sam 'Strippin' Thorne as Jedi on Plane, Nathan Barnatt as Sith on Plane
Jon is eating apples. C3PO appears, and asks him where he got the apples. Jon got them from the apple planet. They were the people of the apple planet! Jon realizes why they were screaming, as blood drips from his mouth!
Jon recaps the games he has seen so far. There isn't enough time for all the Star Wars games in this series. He talks about X-Wing from episode two, and its spiritual successor, Tie Fighter. The player gets to be the bad guy, and Jon is excited. He takes it back. The gameplay is the same, but it is empire themed.
Jon comments on the weird costumes of the characters. The empire can still bomb things that are sitting still! Jon makes fun of Palpatine setting up a meeting during a thunderstorm. He's been looking online for the weather for two weeks, and thinks it gave him malware!
The next game is Star Wars Behind the Magic, which is supposed to show a behind the scenes of the original trilogy. Jon tries out the weapon test. He sees a stormtrooper. He accidentally throws Ewok Rocks at the stormtrooper expecting a concert! A giant boulder crushes the stormtrooper! Jon shoots another storm trooper.
The Death Star ray seems a bit overkill. He watches the stormtrooper struggle, and the scene cuts just before the stormtrooper is killed! Jon just wanted to see him blow up!
Star Wars Demolition is up next. It has a Conker's Bad Fur Day like meny, where the camera swings around in a setting. The camera laughs as it wizzes by Jon. You can choose characters and vehicles. It's Star Wars so it is automatically better! We are all here to watch Boba Fett's baby legs dangle around. There is also a giant Jar Jar Binks chess set.
The one everyone has been waiting for is Star Wars Masters of Teräs Käsi, which Jon struggles to pronounce. This is one of the most universally panned Star Wars games. Jon doesn't get the hate in this one. Luke can fight himself! There is a decent spread of characters, but some are more overpowered than others. It seems to follow like Tekken, and is a part of the reason where the game was so negatively received. Jon is taken back when one of the characters is announced as "Hoar".
Jon takes a look at the Milennium Falcon playset. Only a crazy person would want it. Jon describes how to use it, as C3PO plays with it. It is like a difficult way of using a keyboard, and the game that comes with it is like Dragon's Lair.
Jon tests out the toys. Jon thinks that the George Lucas family characters would all fight. He finds the concept of the toys odd. Jon accidentally breaks one of them. He makes the two George figues kiss. Jon tries the Star Wars Force trainer - it doesn't work. It makes you look like a total jackoff.
Jon finds a Death Star, which is Darth Vader in hiding. Jon can't work out how to transform it, and it looks like it is trying to be like Lady Gaga. Jon struggles with some other transformer-like toys, before realizing that he has to snap them together!
Jon thinks he's done. He wants to briefly discuss the better games, and lists some of his favorites.
C3PO gives Jon Star Wars Droids - and Jon has never heard of it. This game is weird and old. Jon explains how to play the game with its clunky controls. There are Simon Says panels. Jon hates games where one of the main puzzles is Simon Says. Jon shows a keychain Simon Says, and screws it up! Jon decides that it should have been an Alf game. Jon comments on C3PO ducking. After grinding, Jon doesn't understand how this game works.
A Jedi and a sith fight on a plane. The game is so bad. Jon realizes that the box art looks familiar, but doesn't know what it is from. C3PO mentions that it is from the worst piece of Star Wars content. Jon won't believe it until he sees it.


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At some point in your life as a homeowner, you will think about remodeling your home. Whether it's because you need to add more space, repair an area of your home or you just want to upgrade, there will always be the desire to improve. However, remodeling your home needs to be done carefully, or you could find yourself with a bigger job than you expected. Here are a few of the things you should avoid when considering remodeling.
Make Sure You Have the Finances
First and foremost, you need to ensure that you have all the funds you need to complete your remodeling project. How much you need will depend on the amount of work you want to do, though you should always estimate higher than your figures suggest. With many projects, the cost can rise, especially if something unforeseen is discovered during the work, so having extra cash available is important. There are a number of ways you can secure the funding; you can save up, ask for a loan, or for bigger projects, you can remortgage your home. If you are considering remortgaging, you will need to get a conveyancing company to come in. You can compare conveyancing quotes online to get the best deals.
Always Use Professional Tradespeople to do the Work
Although it can be tempting to try and do a small project yourself, you should always consider the ramifications of doing it on your own. If anything were to go wrong, you would need to hire a pro to fix it as well as finish the remodeling project. The same applies to any friends or family that might volunteer to help you. You need to be sure that you have people working on your property that is trained to complete the work.
Don't Assume a Timescale will be Accurate
Along with the budget for a project, you should also never assume that a timescale for the work to be completed will go to schedule. There could be many reasons such as bad weather, unforeseen problems or a shortage of personnel that could all impact on how long your project will take. When you are planning your remodeling, you should choose a time when you have plenty of free days to accommodate the work. It is also best not to schedule anything too close to the end of the works, just in case.
Avoid Cutting Corners
The safety of your home and your family are paramount to any work you are having done. For that reason, you should always make sure that everything is being done correctly and to the relevant building codes. You might think that cutting a corner or two is ok to save money, though this can lead to dangerous safety issues later.
If you are considering remodeling your home, make sure you consider all the options before you decide the best solution is for you. You will then have the peace of mind that it will all go smoothly.


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What's a cookie cutter opportunity ?
When a baker is making cookies, they want a fast, efficient way to make them, so, they layout their cookie dough on their baking table, and take a metal cookie cutter, in the shape that they want, perhaps a Santa shape for some Christmas cookies, they then quickly and efficiently, press out, with their metal cookie cutter, their Santa shaped cookies, one after another.
So why is having our opportunity, a cookie cutter opportunity, helpful in creating success Business Units a good thing for us, you as well as myself.
You can be assured of a successful formula, to build and grow your business. Systems, polices, procedures, that are tried and true, by thousands of other people who have before you, following their path, success is achievable, real and obtainable. The guess work has been eliminated, no plowing the same field over and over again, hoping something will work, you get out of the gate, fast and you can be assured, you will be doing tasks that will give you the results you want.
On every side of your Business Unit, regardless of size, there will eventually be at least 4 other people, just like you, using the game plan to reach their personal success goals. What each persons goals are, how they get there will follow the same path as you. It will be immensely helpful to you, to be able to talk to, even see and meet other people in the Kommunicon organization, building and growing their Business Unit, with the same game plan as you. Compare notes, see how they are progressing, offer insights that you have gathered , tell them what is working best for you, lean on them, as they will lean on you. As we grow and mature as an organization, there will be Business Units that will emerge as more successful than others, that is inevitable and will benefit the entire organization. Having access to everyone in the organization, knowing that they are building and growing using the same SPPs as you ( Systems, Policies and Procedures ) , you can pick up valuable hands on experiences from people who are doing exactly what you are, this is the real advantage of being in a business opportunity that has the aspects of being a cookie cutter operation.
You will be working, developing, growing your Business Unit, surrounded by other people, pretty much like yourself. I think we all have, generally speaking the same goals in mind, a better life for ourselves, for our families, an opportunity to have a life style that we may not enjoy now. In our opportunity, no one competes with anyone else, thus, protected secure territories, no one has to share their profit with anyone, EVERY sale you make, you are guaranteed the full listed profits, no sharing, no competing with the people around you, someone across the country.
With everyone having their own protected Business Unit, the success of those around you, can only benefit and enhance your Business Unit. Word travels fast in the business community, someone who is happy with their Kommunicon products on one side of town, will tell of their success using our profits to people in their sphere of influence. That means, as the success of those around you rises, so will the potential of people having a business in your Business Unit signing up as clients, in your protected territory. Success breeds more success, work with the people around you, engage them, compare notes with them, encourage them as they will you, we all are on the same page, using the same map, a huge advantage to those that are in a cookie cutter environment.
Lets not confuse being in a cookie cutter environment, with being a robot doing what everyone else is doing. The impact of your personality, your zeal, your enthusiasm, all that you bring to the table, will be the deciding factor in whether you are success and profitable or not. Lets take the first 100 ELD"s, lets assume that they ALL use ALL of the systems, policies and procedures that I offer to them to build and run their own Business Units. At the end of the first year, there will be Business Units that have, 20, 25 or more customers, very successful , then there will be in ascending order, all of the customer totals, between the top 30, down to the bottom number, whatever that may end up to be. Why would the same 100 Business Units, presumably following the same game plan, not have the same results ?
This is where the YOU factor comes in, this is what separates Business Units from each other, this is the ingredient that will make you special, different and what will separate you from all the others. The perfect marriage will exist when you marry what Kommunicon brings to the party, and what you bring to the same party.


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Lara Croft has been through a great deal during her lifetime, not just in terms of her fictional self and the things that have happened to her family, but also in terms of her performance in the various Tomb Raider iterations over the last decade and a half. Ranging from the superb Playstation classics, down to the disappointment of Angel of Darkness and the despair of spin-off film Cradle of Life, Lara's gaming and film appearences have been met with varying levels of praise and criticism, but in the hands of developers Crystal Dynamics, the series has seen a return to form, and early signs were that this trend had continued onto Playstation 3 with Underworld, Lara's first outing in the high-definition era. For the most part, the finished product is as good as a Tomb Raider game has ever been, but it's still not without its flaws.
The first thing you'll notice, whether you're male or female, is that the developers have still held onto the image of Lara as a sex symbol, with gravity-defying boobs (though thankfully a little more in proportion than in previous outings) and other features that, with the help of the wetsuit used in an early level, are more than a little eye catching. Lara has always been viewed as somebody that's not just attractive to look at, but also a likeable, competent heroine to follow through an adventure. In this regard, Lara succeeds in many ways, using guns and gadgets to plow through different regions of the world, cruising the Mediterranean on her private boat, taking to the Mexican jungle on her motorbike, mapping her local surroundings with sonar and that hardly scratches the surface when it comes to toys back at her mansion. However, technology without brainpower is largely useless, and although Lara is made to look very knowledgeable, with impressive language capability and puzzle solving, she never appears to have thought more than a single step ahead, and shows no sign of the sort of chess-munching that would be nice to see in that sort of role. Next to the likes of Uncharted's Elena Fisher, Resistance's Rachel Parker and Valkyria Chronices Selvaria, Lara Croft seems noticeably one dimensional. And that's before she starts jumping.
As an action hero in a game that features numerous ledges, pillars, poles and platforms to negotiate, a competent climber is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, where Nathan Drake intelligently leaps to the ledge you know you're aiming for, Lara will, inexplicably, head off in random directions, apparently just to cause annoyance. Pressing a very clear direction, followed by the jump button, will not always cause Lara to leap the way you want to, and far too many times, you'll end up in mysterious death water. Despite this flaw, and some shockingly wonky collision detection near low obstacles, the jumping and leaping is a significant step forwards from previous games, and somewhat more forgiving. It still has some way to go to achieve a perfect balance, but it's getting closer. When you're leaping through underwater Mediterranean caverns, across Mexican jungles and over Arctic pillars, you need to know your character is cooperating, and the single largest flaw in the game is that Lara doesn't always play along, but at least she's not doing the exact opposite of your control pushes.
Pleasingly, the gameplay has a greater focus placed on the exploration and puzzle solving, as opposed to combat. In fact, there's almost no significant boss fights, and a relatively small number of pesky enemies to take out. Players are quickly introduced to the use of adrenaline moves and, in particular, adrenaline headshots, involving a short bemani-style mini-game that results in an instant kill against most enemies. So effective is the headshot move that players will most likely not need to use any weapon besides the standard pistols and, later on, a certain archaic weapon, even on the hardest difficulty setting. There are a few machine guns to try out, but they add very little to a game that is very easy when it comes to combat. The puzzles are reasonably interesting though, and may make players scratch their heads for a few seconds, but there's nothing particularly taxing. Finding the best-hidden treasures and relics may take a few minutes of strategizing, figuring out the best route to a hard-to-reach platform or beating a timed door to reach a hidden area, but it won't tax most gamers. The joy then, in the gameplay, is the comfortable balance of jumping, exploration and the occasional sprinkling of puzzle solving and combat. Things rarely get boring as a result, even without an online mode to complement the single-player action.
Although Lara might not jump in the right direction, following her about is an absolute joy most of the time. You could debate the logic behind finding a collection of pixels attractive, but the developers have clearly invested a lot of time in Lara's looks. The visuals don't stop there though, with some lovely environments to explore. The jungles, ruins, caves and underwater statues are all magnificent, and clearly favour realism over splendour. The downside there is that, unlike Uncharted, which itself takes place in a believeable environment, Tomb Raider appears dull and less vibrant. The jungle scenes in Uncharted might be slightly smaller, but every pixel is bursting with energy and enthusiasm, while those in Underworld are content to just be there. The animations on offer are very impressive though, and a definite rival for Uncharted. Lara has clearly benefited from some motion capture work, but it's not just her: enemies of all kinds, including tigers and spiders, move fluidly and realistically. The water effects are also quite decent, and it says a lot that the game is brave enough to allow a good section of the first main level to take place underwater.
Voicework in the game isn't massively extensive, and the void between cutscenes is boringly quiet on occasion. Avoiding a direct copy of Uncharted, Lara is not the sort of person to make quips as she climbs, or air every thought in her head as she runs along, but when left with only grunts and gasps as a result of the biggest leaps, there's not much besides ambient noise to entertain. If you're desperate the hear Lara's voice, you can always tune in to her personal aid gadget, with pre-recorded instructions on what to do, but essentially she's the polar opposite to Nathan Drake. Once in a cutscene, Lara's all business, though her emotions inevitably get the better of her when she closes in on the trail of her lost mother. Unfortunately, there's no real sense of camaraderie with her colleagues, nor any true feeling of menace from her enemies. That's not to say the voicework isn't good, it's just that the story doesn't allow sufficient character development to truly let the actors unleash themselves on their roles. The game is fairly average in the music department too, though some elements of the score are quite enjoyable. Thankfully there's no daft rock songs plugged in to appease modern-day masses, but a few extra segments to the score, and more recurring themes might have helped the story develop emotionally.
Though there is one serious fault in the game, the wonky jumping, Tomb Raider is actually a very decent title, and a good alternative to Uncharted. With a little more tuning of the exploration and jumping, the next Tomb Raider game might compete with Nathan Drake's next adventure, but in this iteration, there's still room for improvement. It'll keep players busy for eight to ten hours perhaps, and longer if you want to find every hidden treasure. Replay value is extended via a treasure hunter mode, allowing players to re-visit locations to collect missed treasures, and also a recently-added trophy patch with the usual targets including completing the game on the hardest difficulty and collecting all relics and treasures. Lara is still a much-loved Playstation character, even if she does now flirt with other consoles. For fans of the series, Underworld shouldn't disappoint, but it doesn't yet compete with Naughty Dog's terrific Uncharted.
Game details
Eidos Interactive
Crystal Dynamics
Review summary
Flawed jumping control, but still good fun to play
Excellent characters and environments
Average voice acting, effects and music
A story of reasonable length with extras to bulk it out
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