text:
"Only in the darkness can we see the stars."
~Martin Luther King
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Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Wednesday Word Hug
53 comments:
It has been a dark and difficult day. You know the type of day where you are not sure you will make it with or with out your H. The type of day where you feel that it just might not really matter that much. I am feeling really alone and questioning if trying to repair my marriage is really a good decision.ReplyDelete
Of course we have work to do together and I am striving to work through my own issues, but my H has so much work to do for himself and some days I don't think he will do it. i want to share my life with the truly amazing person he is, not the angry pain and fear filled person that is leading his life.
I am looking for the stars, but today it is hard to see them.
Love Becky.Replies
I so know that lonely place you have drifted into! I remember telling my h in the first few months that I felt lonely even when he's sitting right beside me! We had become so disconnected from each other and cow was doing everything possible to keep the wedge between us! I'm still coming to grips with how my h compartmentalizes his life! I'm still having to work through how easy it was for my h to lie not just to me but her more than me but especially how easy it was for him to lie to himself! I'm slowly getting back to my old self assured me but some days are tougher than others! I'm sending you hugs of comfort and just know that there's a rainbow out there somewhere!
- ShelleyJune 23, 2016 at 7:32 PM
Man do I know that feeling. The only thing that helps is that there will be a point this doesn't hurt all day everyday. I'm not there either.
Somedays I cope, others I cry while driving home from work.
Hopefully this pain will pass soon!
- AnonymousJune 22, 2016 at 5:05 PM
Elle, I just read this exact saying along with "A secret to happiness is letting every situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be, and then making the best of it." What I want my reality to be and what my reality truly is is difficult to accept but on those growing number of days when I accept life as it is, I am calm and fairly happy. If there were a sign ahead that warned me "Caution, triggers ahead" my life would be perfect. Alas, I've learned to come here, to read about and ponder my sacred sisters lives and realize that there is light somewhere out there. Sometimes I can see it clearly and sometimes I just have to trust this journey and believe the light is still there even when I cannot see it. Love and Peace, Beach GirlReplyDeleteReplies
Beach girlDelete
Please send me a sign for the triggers as well! They hit like a ton of bricks with zero warning! I'm heading to the beach this weekend and I'll be thinking about you and hopefully your triggers will be less!
- ShelleyJune 23, 2016 at 7:09 PM
Those triggers are killers.Delete
For me, it's even as simple as a sex scene in a movie. I immediately have to leave or forward when I can. I simply can not watch it.
And it seems like once a day now someone on Facebook posts meme like "if they really love you they would never cheat".
My h choose me even when I told him to get out and be with her.
But the bottom line is he had a full blown affair.
I am 4 months out. I was better the first moth. I think because we were in a bad place before and barely spoke. We fought the rest of the time. So he all the sudden changed and was turning back into the guy I fell in love with when she got pissed he left her and told me. Still despite my cussing and screaming he begged, cried told me how he was lonely etc. So I think after going for so long with nothing, it was a relief. It was a relief he choose me.
But this month, I feel anger. Like the reality set it.
Some days I try to put in the motions of a couple rebuilding but I secretly want to punch him in the face. I even have moments I wish he had just died. Like maybe that would hurt less.
Triggers suck
What are some of the things that are triggers for you guys?
Hi Theresa and Beach GirlDelete
Thank you both! Theresa, thank you for the hug and encouragement, it really meant a lot to me.
Beach Girl, I read your post and thought "oh yeah, perspective is really helpful" Accepting reality and awareness in the present moment really are key. You brought me back to seeing more clearly. To trust the journey and know others have walked this path and found wisdom and transformation.
Happy Friday and love and support to all
Wow, Beach Girl! I need to remind myself of that. It's sometimes easy to fall into wishing this hadn't happened, but it did. My choice now is how I handle it. We're wrapping up a weeklong beach vacation now and I've struggled a bit recalling the last time we were here two summers ago and he called her while we were on family vacation. Truly, it was an awful trip... Me knowing things weren't right but not knowing what it was. This trip has been different, but there have still been triggers.Delete
As far as triggers go, I've found that some of the things I learned regarding self compassion can help me keep from spiraling. If I can figure out what I'm feeling and remind myself that I'm no longer in that place, I can normally stay calm. Meditation is also helping a lot.
For those of you struggling right now, I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs and strength.
Theresa, Beach Girl (when you referred to us as sacred sisters I sat out here in my back field and wept--it is a generous thing for you to say. Thank you). Theresa you asked what triggers we have ? 1. Most movies and TV showsDelete
2. The song "honey I'm good" wherein the singers thanks the woman asking for a fling, but insists his heart is at home with his woman....sigh.
3. Condoms in stores, condom commercials...to me they don't represent safety but secrecy and INTENT.
4. Most songs on the radio !
5. If the man in my life says something like "gosh I'm getting out of shape" or "my uniform pants don't fit the same" I often panic that he will seek affirmation from someone else or that if I try to reassure him it won't measure up to the praise the beastie gave him.
6. Sex: I often scamper down my mind movie memory lane and envision him with the beastie.
7. Weddings. I simply declined every invite after the first one I attended since D-Day.
8. That certain type of woman who comfortably wear heels, apply a lot of cosmetics and have that oddly impossible Barbie Blonde...they've always made me feel terribly insecure, but I somehow feel like they represent everything I failed at and possibly what the man in my life secretly desires.
9. The co-workers of the man in my life: he was in a group of 10 other cops the night he was unfaithful and not one of them said "hey dude have you thought about the dice you're rolling here?". Instead they drove him and the beastie back to the police college where the fuck occurred.
10. My birthday....the big collossal asshole screwed a hoe-bag on my birthday.
11. Lingerie stores...need I say more, but whoa we are raising a generation of girls who are objectified in ways that make certain religious doctrines look pretty respectful.
12. The internet...we as a society need to wake up that this incredible paradox exists between what it gives us and what it is stealing from us.
15 months out and now when I'm triggered I try to go to war instead of going to pieces. Not always easy, but I shelter myself in this blog and all its good advice.
One arm pie makerDelete
I can relate to the triggers in your list! I'm learning how to take those things back and make them mine again! I find looking back at the first few months and pretty much everything in this town was a trigger because it is here that he chose to have his fantasy affair! I found myself wondering if they ate at the same restaurants that he was taking me to during the last year of the affair! I'm still triggered by things I have no control over until they happen but I'm learning how to deal with them so differently than in the beginning! You last thought is a wonderful way to deal with it... I try to go to war instead of falling in pieces! You have given me a new way of thinking! March forever forward!
- WoundedJune 23, 2016 at 4:18 AM
A great reminder esp to those in the early days past dday. How i remember staring up at the night sky, how i felt i was being swallowed whole by the darkness and the hours of night would tick on endlessly as i prayed for morning to come the night seemed still, lonely and provided insomnia hours of to much time to think, overanalyze and obsess. Im just over a year out i can see the beauty in the night again thou i still have my moments now and then and all those nights that seemed excuritaing endless and dark also taught me a thing or two. you all are stars in the darkness you just have to wait for the fog of numb and shocked to clear to see it again. Thank for this Elle even at my stage im still healing and this touched the crack in my heart ... wounded not broken.ReplyDelete
Thank you Elle,,, peace and love to you ladies xxxReplyDelete
I'm repeating this over and over!ReplyDelete
Triggers for me are any reminder of anything she, the cow, shared so 'passionately' with my h! They met playing volleyball! Just recently has that word has lost it's power over me but I still can't watch anyone playing it! The whole house was a trigger the first month or so but I took that back and made changes so I no longer think about that! My mother can trigger my anger the way she speaks to me and then it can spill over to anger at my h even if he's not the one I'm angry with. Working on this part! How to deal with the triggers? Wow! I stare at the stop sign at the end of the street and then I get busy doing anything that brings me back to my happy place! Time and my h are making me feel better.. And then there's the dark days and it feels just as bad as the first day! I'm not staying in that place! So I'm making the choice each day to find my happy! Hugs for you!
- AnonymousJune 24, 2016 at 5:12 PM
I am over 4 years in on trying to repair. The old me is dead so I finally quit looking for her. I think it's as good as it will ever be again. I don't know. I wish I had found this group back when I was so lost.ReplyDeleteReplies
Anonymous....may I ask what your life looks like now? I hope I didn't misinterpret, but I believe you're working at reconcilliation? Forgive my questions please...I just feel like you and Elle are far ahead on the road and I'm desperate to learn the topography. Take care.Delete
Anonymous and OAPM,Delete
This is never "as good as it will ever be again". Any relationship is like a person -- it will constantly change and shift, just like the people in it. I think it's tempting to idealize a relationship that wasn't affected by betrayal as somehow pristine. But if there was betrayal, then at least one of the partners wasn't as blissful or honest or dedicated to the relationship as the other might have thought. OAPM, I'm not sure there's a specific topography -- it can look different for each of us. But there are signposts that, I think, are common to those of us able to successfully rebuild after betrayal: (a) fully realizing that, even is we acknowledge that our marriage had hiccups, we had NOTHING to do with our partner's choice to cheat. (b)Knowing that we can survive the pain of betrayal and that no matter whether our marriage survives or not, WE will be okay. (c) Learning how to set clear boundaries to keep ourselves emotionally safe -- and refusing to disrespect ourselves by violating our own boundaries. The only way to create a healthy "second" marriage with the same husband is to understand that the first marriage is over and that it's time to negotiate a new one. And that the new one, honestly!, can be even better and continue to grow healthier and deeper with the respect and commitment of both partners.
- Lynn Less PainJune 24, 2016 at 6:32 PM
At the beginning all I saw was darkness. I couldn't even look up. No flashlight, candlelight all I could see were burned out light bulbs and wall switches that didn't work. I remember for a month. I would say I was taking the dog for a walk. It was at night in January. When I walked outside the cold would hit my face. It hit my face but the pain of the cold felt good. I would take the dog off the leash and lay down in the front yard, ball up in a fetal position and cry like a wounded animal. My dog would spoon with me and did not leave my side. My H would come out of the house after a awhile looking for me. He would help me up and bring me back in the house. That lasted awhile and the cold felt good, it hurt. I didn't eat. Cold and hunger took the place of my heart pain. I lost 70 lbs of pain. I loved the cold for a long time. After a year of darkness and cold, I could see as much light as a flicker of a candle. No twinkle but I waited to make sure his changes were real. My stars began to appear after 18 months. No milky-way or shoot stars. But the star wasn't our marriage or him it was me. I twinkle brighter as every month goes by. Cold feels like cold and hunger feels like hunger again. I ask my therapist last week, will I ever get my spark back? My loud laughter? My big hugs? She said, we are going to work on self-compassion and yes we will get it back. This is not about his adultery anymore, it's about my twinkle.ReplyDelete
This site was hope and Elle or sister was my only twinkleReplies
Oh Lynn,Delete
You don't just twinkle, you shine like the brightest star. Even if you didn't realize it, even when it felt like you were smothered under darkness, you shone.
I sometimes tell the story on this site about a friend I bumped into a few months post D-Day and one of the first things he said to me, after asking me if I was okay, that "the light has gone out of your eyes." It stopped me cold but made me feel truly seen in all my pain. I didn't fess up...but it felt good to know that I wasn't invisible.
We all need to reclaim our twinkle. It should be at the top of our to-do list, post betrayal.
Can we get a discount on those trigger signs if we buy in bulk? This Quote I had seen not too long after the sex addiction (and coordinating fuckfone) was discovered. That and "all the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle". So I light a candle every night as a reminder. I will survive this. And I look at the sky and think of how small I am in the expanse of the universe and yet know how much I matter to it too. I belong in a brighter place. But until then. The Beauty of a flickering flame surrounds me. And guides me home to my own soulReplyDelete
Hi everyone, it has been a couple of years since I commented on this site, but I visit here frequently, if only to find solace in the fact that others are feeling just like I am. My original DDay was over 3 years ago. I had just had my third baby. We have moved on, lived through several more ddays, worked hard on our marriage, had another baby. Things have been amazing at times, better than they ever were before the affair. Things have also been horrible at times. He left the hospital and changed jobs to get away from the OW. The OW contacts him on a probably a monthly basis, I guess hoping to catch him during a weak moment, and she has been successful a few times, including most recently last November, when they re-engaged and started talking again. She has her friends contact me regularly to tell me they are still seeing each other. She has male friends contact my husband to tell him that I gave them my number at a bar(which is completely false). She basically tortures us. My husband gives lectures in town and she attends every single one. It seems impossible to heal and move on. She won't let us. She is a part of our daily life. I love him and we are happy most of the time, but every time one of her friends contacts me to say they're still seeing each other it makes me wonder. Obviously I don't trust him fully. It seems like all the cards are stacked against us. I feel like I am in a dark place right now, wondering if I should just throw in the towel. I love him so much, and we have four beautiful children who would be crushed, but I just feel stuck, not able to heal any further. We are both in therapy and have worked so hard, it seems crazy to give up, but I am so miserable and suspicious and frustrated with her continued presence in our life that I just don't know if we can make it.ReplyDeleteReplies
Jennifer one hurt mommaDelete
It sounds like you have a cow just like ours is! Crazy ow is what I mean! My h tried for two years to get rid of the ow in a dignified way but she just wouldn't stop the contact until he filled the harrasment charges and then it only stopped her for the first four months and it was to reconnect during her loss of a child! He sent our sympathy via text and she left us alone for seven months and then sent a text requesting he meet up for drinks no hard feelings! I was back to being a shaky almost back to square one but my h contacted the attorney and he had the judge remind her that she could go to jail for breaking the no contact order so she was ordered to leave us alone for the next year or go to jail until the jury trial that she requested. This was in March of this year and it's been almost three years since their last physical contact. She was so certain he would choose her after she exposed the affair! When he didn't it made her crazy and I mean really crazy! She drove by our house daily for months before the charges! I was sure I would go crazy waiting for the stupid teenage like crush she had for my h ended! I feel certain we have not heard the last from her but she won't risk jail time just to drive through our neighborhood! I'm suggesting that your h may have to go file charges and if she is using text and email your h will need to screenshot and print them out for a judge to decide if charges would be filled. I'm so sorry for the pain I know you are feeling and I also know that roller coaster ride when you don't know for certain if he's making contact again! I'm not going to shy away from saying how hard these last two almost three years now have been but the fact is you can't really repair your marriage with interference from the ow! In our case she is a licensed councilor and tried giving us free advice but what she was really doing was trying to prove to me it was her he wanted! I'm hoping you have the kind of husband that can finally step up and do the right thing to keep his family! I'm grateful that mine found his integrity because I was just about to leave him forever! Hugs!
Jennifer onehurtmomma,Delete
Of course you're struggling to heal. You've not only got a toxic OW (and who the hell are these idiot friends of hers who would go along with creating so much pain for you??) but you've got a husband who has betrayed you repeatedly. So of course you don't trust him. He's revealed himself to be untrustworthy.
At this point, I agree with Theresa that it's time to file charges. As she says, you'll need to make sure that your husband isn't involved in any way. And you'll need to collect the evidence that she's harassing you -- noting phone calls, screen shots of texts. But I would strongly encourage you to proceed. This is cruel and it's crazy. Collect your evidence and see if you can get charges threatened or laid. This has got to stop.
I completely agree, and we have threatened her over and over, but sadly, she is pretty street smart. I can never prove that it's coming from her. She makes sure of that. Most every time we get a text saying something hurtful or that they're still seeing each other, it's from some unlisted number. I've paid a PI to try and track down who the numbers belong to and have even had a friend in the DA's office run them through their systems. And to no avail. Neither one turned up anything. And even the friends who have contacted us, the most I can prove is that she is friends with them. Her response is that she has no control over what her friends do. She even shows up at my husband's hospital, and she will call him from a landline within the hospital and beg him to come down and talk to her. The problem is that I'm a lawyer, and I can just hear this all playing out in court. She will say well the reason I was at the hospital was to visit my mother (who does work there), and she will say we can't prove it was her who called him from the hospital line, which is true. It's terribly frustrating. It's like she has us by the balls. I don't see us being successful with a restraining order when she usually doesn't contact us directly, and if she does, there's no way to prove it's her. It makes me want to give up, after all this hard work on our marriage,because I feel like my healing has plateaued if she doesn't get out of our lives. I guess right now I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it makes me so sad and angry that he brought such a horrible human being in our lives time and time again.Delete
Wow, that is incredible. What a dedicated psychopath. As a lawyer, you would know better than I what would stick in court. It just seems so wrong that she can continue to do this. What if, rather than go after her, you go after these "friends" who are harassing you? They might be less enthused about getting involved if it looks like they might get in hot water. Do you have records of the numbers who've contacted you? How often and when? There has to be some way to get her, or her posse, to leave you the hell alone.Delete
And yes, I imagine it is hard to rebuild a marriage when you're furious that you're dealing with this lunatic that your husband invited into your life.
Jennifer onehurtmomma: please forgive me if at some point you have mentioned doing this, but a woman in my support group has had almost identical experiences to you. I detest the fact this nut job with an under developed psyche is bothering you--sometimes that's why the legal route doesn't spook them: their lack of mental health prevents them from grasping the legal implications of what they're doing (oh and they're turds...did I mention they're turds!). The woman in my support group drafted a letter and email with her H. It was blunt and repeatedly stated "I want nothing to do with you. I demand you leave my wife alone as we have reconciled...etc". Point is the statements were closed--no room for her to say well you're only working at your relationship. Essentially the other woman was set up to either implode and leave them alone or explode and finally slip up and give them a legal angle for a no contact order. The letter was signed by both betrayed spouse and h and their therapist helped them draft it so it acknowledged the little tricks the OW had been using and admonished her for not respecting their right to have no contact with her. The letter was sent by registered mail and a unique email account was set up to protect their privacy and to warehouse any future emails from the OW and company. They filtered all of their original email accounts, closed social media accounts and changed their numbers. I know it's mind boggling the lengths you may have to go to. Shame on her and what a shame these specimens are brought into our otherwise ordinary lives. I will continue to hope the OW has an awakening of conscience or at the very least she stops being such a colossal asshole. ShawnDelete
yes, it's smart (though utterly unfair) to delist your number, change cell numbers etc. so that you make it as difficult as possible for her and her friends to bother you. Even minimizing contact might help your own peace of mind. And responding like a broken record with a sort of form letter response might trigger what Shawn mentioned -- either imploding or exploding but either way, prompting a resolution. I'd be inclined to be sarcastic (though maybe that's being immature): "We received your letter. Please know that we will not respond apart from this letter because we have chosen to rebuild our marriage and want to inform you that there is absolutely no place in our life for you. We wish you all the best going forward. Sincerely, husband and wife"Delete
But maybe the mature, therapist-approved approach is the way to go. ;)
Elle, if it were my letter to draft it would be written in blood, include things like "unless you want to find yourself tied to a safe at the bottom of one of the great lakes--bugger off cuckoo pants". I would then respectfully pin it to her door with a machete (or ninja throwing star). These are all options I would exercise in the future if another OW troll pops out of her swamp.Delete
I LOVE the idea of pinning it to her door with a ninja star. Why don't WE go all Fatal Attraction on these OW. Why do THEY get all the craziness? We should be the ones scaring the shit out of THEM!Delete
I'm only hoping that the judge in our case finally did scare the shit out of the cow! She as a mental health marriage and substance abuse therapist knew exactly how devastating her continued contact was for me and my marriage but I on the other hand stood strong enough during the six months that period of time and never let her know I was in the pain that she claimed to be in! Even if I did follow up that with plenty of self pity and several shit storms of finally letting my asshole of a h know just how much pain he caused and now he knows just what I expect from our relationship! Yes I too wanted to tattoo the letter A on his and her forehead but I didn't want to give them anything else to have in common!
- Hopeful 30June 27, 2016 at 8:54 AM
This entire experience is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I feel like the roller coaster keeps on running. I have no major incidents but small things can still send me spinning. Things have been amazing between us in every way. If we have any issues or disagreements we work them out. I am able to bring up anything and he does not get defensive which is a major shift for both of us. He pretty much gushes at me daily all day long. It all seems genuine and my therapist agrees he could not keep this up for over a year this consistently without it being genuine, not that he could never slip up I am not that naive.ReplyDelete
But recently he said when we were talking about us that he feels like we are in a honeymoon phase. And it just stopped me in my tracks, makes my stomach hurt, makes me feel like he stabbed me in the heart. I have not explained how it made me feel yet. I find for me at least it is better if I let things settle in first. For me if helps me gather my thoughts and also process what it really means to me vs my initial reaction which can be overly emotional. But this one simple statement which I think he meant in a positive way just has me so down. I find myself tearing up etc. For me this is not good since in my mind honeymoon phases do not last, we already had one of those too and look how that ended. He over time was not able to deal with what life dealt him and he chose the worst option to deal with it. I know I cannot control him, there are no guarantees in life and every day will not be perfect. I am a realist. However, over this past year what we have now is what I want and expect if not more. I feel like I am setting myself up for the bubble to burst or collapse even if it is never cheating or betrayal I am not ready to settle. I never really expected this and feel like I have been blindsided.
The other thing is recently I got a closer look at how many of his friends behave. I know this is not their regular behavior but it was not comforting. This has been a major hot button of mine who he surrounds himself with does reflect on him and everything my therapist has told me has influence. Even if he does of doe what they do it normalizes behavior that is less than acceptable. He has totally cleaned up his behavior in major ways yet when I hear this honeymoon comment it makes me concerned even from this aspect. This is how he has been acting on some level for 30+ years. How easy would it be to slip up. And also I even see how these men act and I think this is who you spent time away from your family to be with? On the flip side for him to get all new friends I am not sure where that would happen. These people are his childhood and college friends. On the flip side if someone is an alcoholic then they have to find new friends, change their environment.
It is so hard to feel like my marriage and husband are in their best spot ever in 25+ years and my husband says he feels the best he has ever in his entire life. Yet for me after this one comment I have the worst feeling. Now to find the time to discuss this hopefully it is soon.Replies
I'm like you. It takes me a while to digest hurtful comments to really figure out how to respond. But I do think you need to respond and I think the best approach is to simply let him know how you interpreted that comment and ask him what he thinks. I suspect he was referring to that whole giddy, I can't believe how lucky I am feeling that we associate with early love. And then the person farts or leaves the toilet seat up or always forgets to put away the milk and, well, the honeymoon is over, even if we still love the person madly.Delete
However...let him tell you what he meant by the comment. And then take some time to talk about how you might nurture that feeling so that even if the giddiness wears off, the deep feelings of love remain. Tell him of your concerns re. his friends. I have a feeling that you'll feel a whole lot better when you've talked.
- Hopeful 30June 27, 2016 at 2:05 PM
Thank you for your feedback. It helps me so much. I am that way and it has become the best way for me to deal with this. The negative is I sit with it for a while but then I know if it is a hot button issue or a passing issue. This is more and I am going to talk with him. Not recently but since dday he has been known to say he is worried about what he does say. He has felt like he cannot win. He says something he thinks is sweet, kind or loving and I see it all wrong. But I will approach it as you say. More in this is how I felt and what did you mean so not to accuse.Delete
As far as the friends go this is such a ongoing thing with us. He has pulled back a lot. But these people are who they are and no matter what he has tried with them offering more couple time together no one is biting. He gets it and is participating with them as much as I am comfortable. But when I am around them and see what they do and how they act it is I guess just another trigger of was he even partially like this. And this is who he spends/spent his time with. It should not surprise me look what he did to me and our marriage. He has no room to judge the past actions of anyone. But it is the future choices. As he said he sees the best in everyone. And after going through this I guess I see the worst or what I would say is reality. He makes excuses for his friends bad behavior. Or if a friend is controlling or limiting his wife he says they seem to be happy and it works for them. To me I am not sure if I am seeing reality or am jaded. I read some of the comments above and I do not envy other couples I know. I feel like most are plodding along and not that honest or open. And the more I learn about others they are just naive to what could be going on. And it is not always betrayal, it can be lies about how time is spent, financial, substance abuse... And my husband makes excuses for it. One of his best friends lies all the time regarding when he golfs to his wife. Again not the end of the world. But he will change in and out of work clothes, hurry to take calls from her inside so she does not hear the wind outside, has to stop playing and text her immediately etc and it goes on. And this happens a lot not just a couple of times a summer. It took me weeks of talking to my husband to see how deceptive this is. His explanation is that they seem happy and it works for them. But if he is lying about this 3-5 times per week then what else is he or could he eventually lie about. I said it is all boundaries. And I said to that he did not just happen to meet someone and sleep with her. His boundaries slipped over time to even allow him to feel comfortable enough and to allow that to happen. And it happens through repeated lies and secrecy. My therapist is blown away by all of his friends and their behavior. I have always been concerned but I am more due to my therapist concern. This is only one example. My therapist is adamant that you are a reflection of who you surround yourself with.
Whether his friends lie to their wives about golfing (!!) or whatever isn't something you need to worry about. Though I'm absolutely with you in that it seems incredibly disrespectful to the wife and certainly speaks to the fact that communication in that relationship is in horrible shape. BUT...your husband's ability and willingness to make excuses for his friends IS something for you to raise with him. It's that ability to engage in verbal and moral gymnastics that allows people to cross lines. They tell themselves that they "deserve to be happy", that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her", that "nobody is getting hurt", etc. etc. But the truth is, somebody is getting hurt. Somebody is being disrespected. Somebody is being deceived. And that anyone can think that's okay is a problem. As the saying goes, it's what we do when nobody's looking that defines our character. You're either honest...or you're not. You're either willing to deceive your partner...or you're not. It doesn't matter whether you're lying about whether you were watching the game with your buddies or whether you were getting a blow job after work. A lie is a lie, and it's completely disrespectful to your partner.
I suspect your husband has spent a lifetime pretending things are better than they are, simply to avoid having to make uncomfortable choices. Far easier to make excuses for his asshole friends than take a stand. Far easier to convince himself that what he's doing isn't so bad than stop doing it. But it's that sort of thinking that likely got him into trouble in the first place. He needs to decide who he wants to be, and if who he wants to be is someone with integrity and honesty and decency, then that makes his choice of friends a whole lot clearer. He doesn't have to stop being their friends necessarily, but I would think he would have a harder time laughing off or dismissing their behaviour.
- Hopeful 30June 30, 2016 at 10:48 AM
Yea exactly!!! You said it all perfectly. I could care less what his friends do but him not seeing it as an issue. And I have said to him because he said it to me lying and betraying your spouse is a slippery slope. He did not decide to cheat on a whim, he made decisions and shifted his boundaries over time. And one other thing is I think being with these friends have always made him feel better about himself. He is the most educated and successful of the group and they look up to him. So that works for him. And I do not feel they would ever confront him about his behaviors or actions. So that works perfect for a person like him. And you are right lying is lying in my book where he sees things on a continum. This is an area we need to discuss more and he needs more work on.Delete
We did have a good talk last night and his honeymoon comment was based on being away and feeling like we are on a honeymoon. He said the way he/we have felt has gone on for too long to be a phase. And this week we are over committed and he is not happy about it at all. He is looking forward to our time together and planning for it. This is a major shift. I do get into my own head and write scenarios but I feel like I am also still protecting myself. It is all good and he was very willing to talk with me. And I touched on his friends and he said they embarrass and irritate me, he said he enjoys my friends more. Slowly but surely a new awareness.
Elle, I had a similar conversation with a friend a few months past d day she said she could see pain in my eyes... I couldn't convince myself never mind anyone else... That deep pain is striking it is clear for all to see... I want to reclaim my twinkle .... Love you ladies xxxReplyDelete
Hopeful, I have actually read of the "honeymoon phase" after an affair - it makes sense. Even still, much of the improvements you've pointed out here are obviously for good - the giddiness may not be - and that is perfectly fine. Esther Perel addresses this beautifully - how to have security (boredom) and passion (excitement and adventure) both afterr many years togetherReplyDelete
- Hopeful 30June 28, 2016 at 9:50 AM
I have read it too and seen charts of the phases etc. Esther Perel does address that exact thing how can you keep that spark in the environment of comfort. This is just one more example of how my husband and I see things differently. I had already decided this is what I want from our relationship. And for me it is the biggest priority besides taking care of myself. And that includes making extra efforts so things stay fresh etc. I think I was crushed since he labeled it that way and I know I need to clarify with him but to me this means the next step is to settle into mature love phases. And the real deep down truth is I know I cannot control him but when this happened the first time is obviously when he went down the path of accepting that cheating was okay. And that took him 15 years. So as I sit here I really question if he is right for me. Is he enough and is he worth the risk. I factor in his perspective on things and his family and friend relationships and boundaries and I become more unsure. If we are isolated together it is amazing. But that is not life. And both of his affairs were sporadic and long term. It has just been really hard for me to process and deal with internally. And I sit waiting for a time when he is home and the kids are not around. He offered to cancel patients today since he could tell this morning that I was struggling. I know he has no idea though. He thinks I am tired and frustrated with the kids. So I know this will take him by surprise and it will be a longer discussion. I think the hardest thing is the doubt slipping in. I was so confident and feeli good about us. On the flip side maybe if is a good fhing that I am feeling some cautious feelings. I have a feeling my therapist would say that. I have not been able to go since summer started so that has been negative too.
Hopeful 30... please try to stay focused on the positives, living in the moment and less of worrying about tomorrow .. You have come along way and your h does sound like he's trying to meet you halfway.. Giving you 'his best'. As Elle says ..Maybe not your best but his... Would he consider going to counselling with you?? It seems a shame that your not experiencing therapy together given you are rebuilding your marriage..ReplyDelete
I would say don't dwell too much on things you can't control and more on what you can control.. Continue to look after yourself.. Your a great support here for many women including me.. Lots a love xxxx
Hopeful, I feel your confusion and pain. I guess we all see it differently. For me, as nice as the honeymoon phase is… it is after the honeymoon that matters. I would not be afraid of it, especially given your husband's dedication to your reconciliation. Or at least what I am seeing on this blog. And the fact that he knew that something was upsetting you this morning… That is huge for me. My husband is often in tune with my feelings and comes to me to ask me what is wrong. I do recognize that we all have different definitions of integrity, of truth, of morality, of ethics ... This may shock some of you, yet our marriage therapist said to us that in some cases if a couple is happy and one of the partners is having an affair it may not necessarily be the worst thing in the world. And she clarified that the partner not having the affair did not know of their spouses affair. Now, that may sound absolutely ludicrous to some, yet for some it works. And perhaps the man who is lying to his wife about the fact that he is golfing… Perhaps she knows full well that he is golfing and she's just glad to have him out of her hair. I guess what I am saying is each of us accept different boundaries and different levels of integrity into our lives, perhaps this particular couple is not bothered by that level of integrity. Yes, I would want my husband to be bothered by that and I believe that is part of what bothers you, of course, that your husband does not seem bothered by it. I have struggled with some of that with my husband as well. He has many, many friends with all different levels of integrity and morality. And yes, I appreciate it when he brings something to my attention that he feels one of his friends is doing that is wrong. Having said that, some of what his friends do is wrong in my eyes, yet my husband writes it off. The bottom line is, as you know, is your husband's level of integrity enough for you? Of course I am not referring to the cheating; that should not have happened and should never happen again. In closing, Hopeful, I will simply say that I have been exceedingly impressed by you and your husband's reconciliation. In the beginning, you seemed to have so much disconnect and now, you truly discuss topics openly. I know this - whatever you decide for you in your life is going to be the right thing. I have confidence in you. Peace & Light Dear.ReplyDeleteReplies
- Hopeful 30June 29, 2016 at 11:04 AM
Thank you for your thoughts. It is so helpful hearing your perspective. And yes things have gone really well and I feel fortunate and in some ways this came out. Not that I am glad he did this but if it happened I am glad these are the results vs him never telling me or something like that. I think I am suffering from higher expectations. As we have progressed and as I have gotten more assertive with boundaries I have really high expectations.
He does see some of what I am saying regarding his friends but it usually takes me pointing it out. Or with his family too. I mean really crazy things with zero boundaries and it takes me to point it out. There have been a few times I have told him I am shocked and considering he is a mental health professional. But again he is good at what he does since he compartmentalizes everything. And that is just part of his entire life. He has made great strides but I will push ahead for more. I do know he sees us and him in this amazing place and has such great thoughts for our future. But I still feel like he needs to deal with why and how he made all the decisions he did in order to not repeat any of them again. And also I need him to work on his other relationships with his friends and family.
You have been so helpful and I need to recognize how far we have come. For him recognize something is not right with me is huge. I am sure he noticed in the past but did not ask since he did not want to hear what I had to say. Where now he does. All good stuff. Thanks a million!
You are more than welcome. 😊Delete
Melissa, can you please give me some insight with respect to your therapist's comments (I would have fired my therapist if they said that to me) and perhaps your remarks about the varying degrees of integrity people can live with ? I sat with what you wrote for quite some time because it it absolutely opposite to how I feel. Since D-Day for me there are no "shades" of integrity and I certainly cannot abide by the idea that someone lying to me is ok because I want them out of my hair. I was uncomfortable with many of the sentiments, but it's when I feel that way lately that I want to explore it and challenge my fears and beliefs. Thank you, ShawnDelete
I think I know what Melissa's therapist is getting at. It reminds me of women who know their husbands have a mistress but simply don't care. It hearkens back to a time period when the comforts of being married often outweighed any need for fidelity.
And I get that's okay for some people. It's not okay for me. In the case of whether someone knows/cares if her husband is golfing, I maintain that's HER problem. But I do think it can become a problem for us if our husbands' ability to write off another's lack of integrity also reveals some pretty fuzzy boundaries. For instance, if my kids shrugged their shoulders at friends who drove while impaired, I would be a lot less likely to trust their own judgement around drinking/driving. If they thought it wasn't such a big deal that a friend was lying to his/her parents about skipping school, I'd be less inclined to believe they were honest with me.
I have a friend who has, on a few occasions, scammed her insurance company. She's had repairs done after an accident that needed to be done before the accident...and then run it through her insurance, for instance. I find her behaviour wrong. It's dishonest and it's the reason why MY rates are skyrocketing over the years. I've told her that. And while I haven't written her off (we have a long history), I'm certainly careful about what I tell her and how far into my life I welcome her. That's my choice...but I do believe that the people I surround myself with are a reflection of my own values.
Might seem like a hardass approach to take but I don't want to spend my time with people I don't respect. Especially if I'm married to them!
Shawn, I admire your desire to want to take a close look at the attitudes that trigger a strong response in you. I'm working on doing the same thing because I think there are things I can learn. I don't want to have knee-jerk responses to things, I want to understand them.
Yes Sean. In response to your question regarding clarification… I am saying that every person has a particular level of integrity. As I've said once before on this blog, a line in the sand that they will not cross. As well, I would say that that line moves or becomes more gray at different times in a person's life and circumstances. For example, The one thing a great deal of people seem to be OK with… And I'm not referring to people I know necessarily, but statistically, is cheating on their taxes. Or as Elle pointed out above, the person who is basically stealing from their insurance company. Or the wife who bought a new outfit and squirreled it away into the closet without showing her husband. Or the person who takes a one-week a pleasure vacation and has a 30 minute business meeting and writes off the whole week as a business expense. Or the waitress who serves your regular coffee when you requested decaf and they know they're giving you regular. Or the elderly person that you ask, what did you do today? And they say they went to lunch… Yet they neglect to tell you they also went gambling for a few hours. My point is almost everyone, pethaps everyone, does something that's not perfectly ethical and moral to everyone's standards. The beauty of it? You get to decide. You get to decide who you are in life and who you want to be with. As for the therapist who made the comment… It didn't upset me to the extent that it obviously would've upset you. She only made the comment because she has treated several people in the same circumstance. Interestingly enough, I came to the defense of the OW in that case. The therapist was indicating that both the spouses would be OK in the event that the betrayed spouse did not know she was being betrayed and therefore she was "happy". So, I referenced a situation that I knew of years ago, whereby a roommate of mine left her husband aftet having an affair with a married man for 30 years. The man she was having the affair with said he was going to leave his wife, who of course did not know about the affair, but he never did. When the man had a heart attack and was hospitalized it was the OW that was an absolute, and utter wreck. Of course, she could not go to the hospital to visit him. Yes, she was in 0W, she was also a broken human being that my heart went out toDelete
(specially then, prior to me even being married to my husband.)
In closing, I recognize that our sense of integrity and morality is set in our childhood. My husband's parents taught him to lie in certain circumstances. Was that right? Absolutely not. Yet I recognize that what is ingrained in you in childhood is often difficult to overcome. By the same token, his parents also taught him to reach out and care for others, care for the underdog And be good to mankind. The fact that my husband will help our elderly neighbor clear his yard of debris is more important to me than the fact that my husband bought an illegal cable box at one point in our lives. What is important to you? What level of integrity do you except and yourself? And in others? I hope I explained things… I sure wish we could sit down over a cup of coffee; I love these kinds of conversations, Peace & Light Dear.
Shawn & Elle,Delete
Reading your comments I realize have had a similar experience. Interesting for me to see it this way.
On the one hand, this fiasco has made me more black & white. I don't have the room for grey that I once did. I have drawn clear boundaries around myself -- in or out. I suppose it is a bit hardass as Elle says, but I really don't have the patience for anything else these days.
On the other hand, whereas I would think this would make me quick to judge, I actually am a lot more considerate than I used to be. I take time to think, why is something in or out? Why does it make me feel that way? Is it truly hurtful/harmful to me? To the universe? Or is it just not my cup of tea? What do I do with it, how do I respond? Do I respond? Or should I let it go?
My therapist says my level of "cognitive dissonance" around my H's adultery is thru the roof. Knee-jerk is no longer an option. A hard-won lesson.
Melissa -- same here -- these are valuable conversations to have. I don't always agree, but I always learn. I'm hearing more in them than I once would have. Good stuff. Thanks to you all for sharing.Delete
- AnonymousJune 28, 2016 at 9:02 PM
How do you know when it's time to get a divorce? I'm struggling to let go, holding on hurts... but will being alone hurt worse?ReplyDeleteReplies
I think you know it's time to get a divorce when leaving is less about avoiding pain and more about seeking joy. I think you also need to know that, even if divorce is absolutely the right choice, it will hurt. The right choice isn't necessarily the easy one. But if leaving makes even a small part of you feel lighter, then perhaps it's for the best.
Anon June 28, im exactly where you are right now... I know divorce is final, no turning back.... I would say give yourself some more time if your unsure..ReplyDelete
Personally I'm going to see the counselling through to see if that helps me with my decision, I'm also watching and listening to signs from my husband as to whether or not I'm making the right decision... At the moment he's doing nothing to make me want to stay in the marriage ... None of us want to let go.. But sometimes letting go is the only choice we have : ( .. I hope things get easier for you anon, in the mean time just take care of you... Lots a love xxx


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Monday, 6 November 2017
Halloween Fun
Last week students all across the district celebrated Halloween. The day may be eagerly anticipated by most children, but it can be fraught with anxieties for staff. Aside from the elevated energy levels costumed students bring to school, the event poses other challenges as well, like how to ensure costumes are appropriate, or how to ensure those who don't observe the customs of the day can still be comfortable? One significant question can be to what degree should staff join in?
At the central office staff don't necessarily get to interact with students but the question about whether or not to dress up still applies. While a festive atmosphere can help explain a costume at schools, at the Board Office a costume can raise eyebrows. I'm a strong proponent of bringing fun to work. Our office staff work hard but they also a fun group. This year staff embraced the opportunity to show some character, and a Halloween themed potluck lunch ensured everyone had a chance to get in to the spirit of things.
At the school level many of our principals used the day to model positive role models while joining in the fun. Our secondary school admin team agreed to "boldly go" where few had gone before, channeling their inner Star Trek characters, while at one of our elementary schools the office staff illustrated just how super they really are, donning their capes and familiar blue and red outfits.
Research clearly demonstrates the benefits of bringing a sense of fun to work. Students and staff alike get to see each other in a slightly different way. People who can enjoy a sense of fun together work together with greater confidence, are kinder and gentler on each other and achieve greater success on a variety of tasks.
In his article Joy in School Steven Walk supports these ideas writing" "Schools need to find ways for students, teachers, and administrators to take a break from the sometimes emotional, tense, and serious school day and have some fun together." Walk further states that such events "help everyone get to know one another better, tear down the personal walls that often get built inside schools, form more caring relationships, and simply have a wonderful time together." Creating positive shared experiences helps everyone get the most out of education matters.
Posted by Dave Sloan at 13:41
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subset: commoncrawl


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Steven Hamilton has been one of my favourite riders for many years now… The first time I saw any footage of Stevie was his Animal Bikes: Can I Eat? part and it completely blew my mind. One of those video parts you can watch over and over to get you hyped up for a session. His riding stood out miles due to the sheer creativity, fun and unique approach he brought to the table and at the time not many people were riding pegless with just a back brake.
Fast forward a good few years… I'm nearly 30 and Stevie must be around the same age too, we both have kids and occasionally I'll have a bit of a chat with him on Facebook or Insta. Steven is still out there killin' it, whether it's on a skateboard or BMX he still finds the time to enjoy himself even with a busy family lifestyle. It's sick to see one of your 'childhood heroes' out there, still on the scene and enjoying every minute!
This new video entitled: Big Fat Alaskan just dropped and it's 6 minutes of both BMX & Skating which brought a smile to my face as soon as I hit play. Pretty sure you'll enjoy this, and Stevie fans… You're welcome!
Credit: LandoVision
Check out the full interview over at Snakebite BMX


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When I go shopping for clothes, I'm usually at my favorite thrift store. But whether I'm shopping second hand or shopping online, I'm very consistent about one thing: I always shop for Darah first.
Do you do this, too?! I think there are a few reasons.
1. The odds are better that whatever I pick out will fit Darah, and with me, you just never know!
2. Little girl's clothes are CUTE!
3. I seem to get more joy out of spending on her than myself. I'm not really sure what that's about, but it is true.
As a result, I often find myself with a closet stuffed with NOTHINGTOWEAR. I seriously wear the same 5 shirts over and over and over again. I keep going back to the tops that are as cute as possible while also being as comfortable as possible. Now you see why most of my wardrobe goes untouched.
I just added a 6th shirt to the constant rotation (I'm sure Tim and Darah are grateful for the change of scenery!). It's from a very cute online retailer called Stellarocco. It's the Palm Berries Cap Sleeve Top. Let me tell you why I love it so much.
1. It is really cute and on-trend! I can't say that for too many things in my wardrobe, so it is really refreshing to have something updated like this.
2. The color is very pretty! Greens and purples are some of my favorite colors to wear, so this top just feels like me.
3. The cap sleeves are a little bit unique, and I love that. It gives a very flattering neckline.
4. The material is SO SOFT. Like, you'll want to wear it to sleep after wearing it all day because it is so comfy. I may or may not have actually done this once or twice…
5. The price is fair. This runs for $26, and do keep in mind that the designs are unique to this company and rendered by an artist. Each shirt also gets silk-screened by hand. I'd say it is a tremendous value!
Buy it!: Stellarocco has a fantastic line of tees and tops featuring modern, botanical prints. There are looks to suit everyone there!
Win it!: One lucky Stuff Parents Need reader will win the short-sleeve shirt of your choice from Stellarocco! Woo hoow! The contest will run until July 9th at 11:59pm EST when a winner will be selected via Random.org. The winner will have 48 hours to respond to winning notification before the prize is forfeited and a new winner is selected. Open to residents of the United States. Limit one entrant per household, please.
Mandatory entry: Pick out your shirt at Stellarocco and then come back here and tell me the style name, color and size (choose wisely, as the winner will get what they choose for this entry).
My answer: If I could pick out another shirt, I would get the songbirds shirt in creme, size large!
Additional entries:
1. Sponsor love: Like Stellarocco on Facebook
2. Blogger love: Subscribe to Stuff Parents Need by RSS or email
Be sure to enter my other current giveaways, found on the sidebar of my homepage.
Disclosure: I received a complimentary product for review purposes. The opinions expressed here are strictly my own.


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Hi I just wanted to ask you kept 4 eggs is it fine if you only put 2 eggs for 1 piece of a cakeAnswer:
If you want to use only 2 eggs, you'll have to use only half the ingredients, and get a smaller cake. Eggs are very important in a cake batter, and use only half of them won't work properly. Sorry!


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Thank you for shopping at www.lucid.me
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Good morning!
Boys and Snow is like Boys and mud - they just go together!
the Scraps Of Darkness 'Snow Angels' kit is perfect for celebrating those moments...
I took this photo a couple of years ago when Tyler built a snow dragon! The awesome Bo Bunny papers were prefect!
I took this photo a couple of years ago when Tyler built a snow dragon! The awesome Bo Bunny papers were prefect!
I cut up the velum sheet to use as a title!
Kathy created such a fabulous winter wonderland for her layout!
The background paper is from Kaisercraft's "Frosted Collection" and is included in the Coordinating Paper Add On. She used Tim Holtz's Distress Ink in "Faded Jeans" around the photo to add a little depth and shadows. Then she used modeling paste and a Prima stencil (previous kit). On top of the circles she used the Snow Marker that comes with the Main Kit. It puffs up after you use a heat gun on it, VERY cool. She added a few die cut snowflakes from Bo Bunny, which come in the Main Kit.
She loved the vellum paper included in the Elements Add On from Bo Bunny. She cut the strip of snowflakes to adhere across and then wrapped silver cord (She got that in this month's Scraps of Elegance kit).
She used a Tim Holtz stars die on silver metallic paper from her stash and cut two borders to frame her photo. She used a white cardstock and cut two more borders to shadow the silver ones. She also used 2 different papers from the Bo Bunny papers included in our Main Kit to mat the photo. She adhered more snowflakes on top of the star border. These snowflakes she fussy cut from the Bo Bunny paper in the Main Kit. She popped in a die cut phrase from the Main Kit. She added the "Winter Sticker" from the Bo Bunny stickers included in the Elements Add On.
At the top of the photo she used 3 squares which she fussy cut from one of the Bo Bunny images paper in the Main Kit. She also applied a square at the very bottom of the photo, which you can barely see.
At the bottom left side of the background paper was a framed picture that didn't quite fit the theme of my lo, so she fussy cut the image of the young boy. It was printed on the images paper from Bo Bunny.
She decided to try her hand for the first time making a flower!!! She has this beautiful die cut of a poinsettia from my stash. She cut the top layer in white cardstock and the bottom in matte grey. She applied silver Stickles to outline the embossing then added the "Silver Linings" Prills (comes in this month's Scraps of Elegance kit) to the center.
These gorgeous gold flowers come in the Main Kit. She painted them with the silver acrylic paint included in the Color Add On. She also used a die cut key from Bo Bunny that comes with the Main Kit.
The title came from her stash. She used the Snow Marker (Main kit). All you do is apply it to the chipboard and then use heat to make it puff up.
Thanks for stopping by!


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With 30 years of experience and regulatory offices in the United States, a European distribution center in Belgium and a state-of-the-art manufacturing facility in Costa Rica, Establishment Labs is the next generation breast implant producer with regulatory approvals worldwide.
The company is creating the most advanced levels of safety for women seeking to improve their appearance through Motiva's proprietary technologies and higher quality standards.
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According to the prestigious Boyd Report, the central valley of Costa Rica, where Establishment Labs manufacturing unit is located, has become the success story of the technology and life industry with "more than 50 medical devices companies operating there, including Baxter, St. Jude Medical, Hologic, Arthrocare, Allergan, Boston Scientific, Hospira, De Royal, Establishment Labs, Abbott Vascular and others.''(1,2) Our state of the art manufacturing process has eliminated the use of water and other materials like salt and sugar, that significantly reduces our environmental impact.
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Establishment Labs is fully committed to preserving the beauty of our planet. It operates complying with strict environmental laws, standards and regulations in terms of the emissions to the environment, wastewater treatment and solid waste treatment that the company generates.
Additionally, the company carries out its own environmental protection initiatives:
"Green" package constructed with recyclable components and printed with vegetable based inks.
Full cycle chemical recovery process.
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At Establishment Labs all employees, from Operating Workers to Senior Management, sign and respect an Ethical Charter that reflects our commitment to the highest standards of corporate behavior.
For surgeons and patients, this means: "Our entire company is committed to providing customers with only the finest quality implantable devices, coupled with the highest safety profile."
Establishment Labs was the first breast implant manufacturer to make public all the results of its product validations, performed by third party laboratories certified by the FDA and CE.
Ethical and transparent corporate code of conduct.
100% scrutiny of implantable devices.
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Taylor Swift has gotten herself into some trouble over the past year or so, not necessarily for anything she has said or done, but rather for what she hasn't said or done. Specifically, she has not chosen to join the bevy of celebrities and social media superstars in declaring that every little thing President Trump does or says is going to result in the immediate extinction of mankind.
I was alerted to this over the last few days or so, when Swift expressed her gratitude for what was a personally fulfilling year. As you can see from that article, she was destroyed for this on Twitter, by leftists who deemed her callous for not seeing 2017 as anything but the worst year in human history, because of President Trump, and other developments which were distasteful to their leftist sensibilities.
This led me to finding out that quite a few people harbored disappointment in the pop superstar for her silence in these matters. Her recognition by Time magazine as a 'silence breaker' in their year end review of 2017 was roasted by The Daily Beast. The same publication has put out at least three other articles (here, here and here) in the past 12 months blasting Swift for not going all in on the Social Justice Warrior warpath in the same manner as the likes of Lena Dunham, Katy Perry and Ashley Judd, who have denounced the President, and for that matter any political views to the right of Mao.
The main argument espoused by these critics is that Swift's silence is tantamount to support of the President. Others in entertainment have been subjected to this crude analysis. Jimmy Fallon took a big hit because he had Trump on his show prior to the election, and instead of destroying him, he merely had a normal late night TV style conversation with him. He didn't lecture Trump like he was a schoolboy, and in later months he didn't necessarily dedicate his show to being the 664865145th Bash Trump Show on television. Because of this, Fallon was hit with 'backlash' in the months following Trump's victory, to the point some thought he might lose his gig as the host of the Tonight Show.
In sports, Tom Brady has been criticized for having a MAGA hat in his locker, and being longtime friends with Trump, despite explicitly wanting to keep his politics out of the limelight. In October, Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby was criticized for visiting the White House to be honored by the President for June's Stanley Cup victory.
The fact that Crosby has not mentioned anything about politics, not to mention the fact that he is Canadian means little to those leftists who won't rest until any and everyone says a Pledge of Allegence to #TheResistance. Consider the rationale for denouncing Crosby, and the Penguins' White House visit:
Perhaps Crosby feels, somewhat justifiably, that he is absolved of American political responsibility as a non-citizen. I can empathize; I, too, sometimes feel removed from American problems because my true home is north of the border. But nobody, especially not a white sports hero like Sidney Crosby with the privilege to influence millions, can afford to be apolitical in these extraordinarily divisive and charged times.
Gone are the days of Michael Jordan intelligently noting that 'Republicans buy sneakers too.'
Of course, this silence-is-complicity dynamic exists in politics, but instead of silence being considered as a marker of evil, it is mere disagreement, let alone vigorous debate or counterattacking that is sufficient to be charged. Going back to Swift, one of the aforementioned Daily Beast articles accused her of "trying to literally silence the press" because she threatened legal action against a blogger who painstakingly analyzed her lyrics haughtily declaring that they were evidence of Swift's closet white supremacist views.
President Trump has been embroiled in this sort of dynamic for the majority of his political career. The press, or someone on the left (but I repeat myself) will attack Trump. Trump, in his combative manner will respond, and then some. The press will then accuse Trump of 'silencing the press,' or proving himself to be a threat to Democratic Norms, and other such nonsense.
The recent furor over the way Rex Tillerson is apparently changing the State Department is another example of this Threat of The Disagreement. Consider this excrement from The New Yorker:
In only ten months, Tillerson, the former C.E.O. of ExxonMobil, has presided over the near-dismantling of America's diplomatic corps, chasing out hundreds of State Department employees and scaling back the country's engagement with the world. Most alarming has been the departure of dozens of the foreign service's most senior officials—men and women who had spent their careers living and working abroad, who speak several languages, and who are experts in their fields. As I detailed in my recent Profile of Tillerson, he came into the job proposing to cut the State Department's budget by a third, with plans to eliminate more than a thousand jobs and dramatically scale back the already measly sums America spends on refugees, democracy promotion, women's rights, and the prevention of H.I.V.
Considering the vast damage institutions such as the State Department, with its cadre of unelected bureaucrats, have inflicted on all four corners of the globe over the last five or six decades, it is perhaps for the betterment of everyone that America reduce its 'engagement with the world.' Indeed, President Trump won in part because of his pledge to be the president of America rather than the World. 'Democracy promotion,' is a very nice way of saying 'trillion-dollar foreign wars in which young Americans die in some foreign ditch for no real reason.' We could do with less of that.
How dare Tillerson scale back an agency which has been used to promote questionable neoconservative and leftist social justice causes across the globe?
The larger issue here is that those who would consider themselves our cultural betters have affixed to their beliefs the status of The Truth, by fiat. What is accomplished by this is the elevation of what really are mere opinions to base maxims of the sort that are the foundation of the country, thus in theory unassailable.
And so when Trump disagrees with this or that leftist talking point, and vehemently to boot, there is a collective shock that permeates the commentariat. How dare Trump express views which aren't in agreement with the one Truth that is Leftism in all its forms? How dare Taylor Swift not instantly condemn Trump despite having no reason to voice an opinion, and furthermore how dare Taylor Swift disagree when she is declared to be a white supremacist? How dare Sidney Crosby, a white man, turn up to the White House to accept praise from Trump?
The fact that leftism has gone without a real challenge for multiple decades, and in particular through the Obama years, has rendered the nascent Trump era to be nothing short of a hammer blow through the sensibilities of most leftists. Many still haven't come to terms with the fact that Trump really is the president, and more fundamentally that the Leftist Truth is not held as such by a YUGE swath of America.
This explains the drive to gather up the ranks among leftists in the Trump-era, making any and every one explicitly make known their allegiances.
If it is indeed true that
nobody, especially not a white sports hero like Sidney Crosby with the privilege to influence millions, can afford to be apolitical in these extraordinarily divisive and charged times
then the United States is heading down a very dangerous path indeed. As an aside, note the irony in acknowledging the divisive and charged times yet advocating a mandatory 'political doxxing' which would do nothing but establish more explicit divisions. But if being politically aloof, or if disagreement with the prevailing orthodoxy is blasphemous, then the majority of Americans are evil people, according to the left.
It sets up a situation in which the left will #Resist anything that isn't the Cultural Marxism dial turned all the way past 10, while the rest of us rolls our eyes. The danger is that if it isn't possible to subdue #TheResistance through dank memes and constant ridicule such that it becomes marginalized over time, it will double and triple down, creating the conditions for an American Civil War 2.0.
I hate to be so dramatic, and hopefully it doesn't come to that, but the cyclical nature of history suggests that a massive conflict on that scale is afoot. Only to be avoided if we can somehow, collectively dare to allow the muliti-decade Cultural Marxist paradigm slide into irrelevance.


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The In:tuition programme was inspired and informed by Unplugged, a European intervention strategy for young people aged 12-14, aimed at delaying alcohol, tobacco and drug initiation. Unplugged was shown to be effective in preventing substance misuse and reducing alcohol misuse by 28-31% (1).
Responding to the observation that most studies of anti-alcohol education programmes are of poor or mediocre quality, especially with respect to randomisation (2), we commissioned the first cluster-based randomised controlled trial (RCT) of an anti-alcohol education programme in the UK.
The In:tuition trials, undertaken separately for primary and secondary schools, were carried out by the National Foundation for Educational Research (NFER). They were funded and overseen by Alcohol Research UK using a grant provided by Drinkaware.
We were disappointed with the uptake of the programme by schools but we understand that this was in part due to the difficulty in teachers being able to fit the 12 lessons into their schedules.
The independent evaluation found no evidence of impact on the primary outcome measures, which were resistance skills (confidence to manage peer pressure) in 10 and 11 year-olds and the proportion of pupils aged 12-13 that were drinking frequently. Equally, there was no statistically significant impact on any of the secondary outcome measures, although primary school pupils in the intervention group had slightly better knowledge about alcohol and its effects than those in the control group.
Among the pupils who did take part, the process evaluation highlighted some perceived positive feedback. The qualitative data also suggest that teachers were positive about aspects of the programme content and teaching approaches but adapted the programme to take account of the time available and the needs/context of the school.
Drinkaware is currently reviewing how aspects of the programme may be repurposed to best fit the needs of the professionals delivering it.
Download the full independent evaluation here.
(1) https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/about-us/events/intuiton
(2) Foxcroft, D.R. and Tsertsvadze, A. (2011). Universal schoolbased prevention programs for alcohol misuse in young people. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews; Issue 5: Art. No.: CD009113.


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Amazon.com Price: (as of 2019-02-23 13:55:30 GMT) Product prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on Amazon.com at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.
Product Description
Lamb Shaped Cake Pan
Small Lamb Baking Mold or Cake Pan. This is a single small lamb shaped cake pan for small cakes and muffins. Click on the tag "farm theme" to see other farm animals. Sturdy tinplate steel. 4.5 inches by 3.25 inches at the widest. Farmyard animal themed shaped cake pans made in Portugal.
Product Details
- Lamb baking mold
- 4.5" by 3.25"
- Tinplate steel
- Hand Wash and Hand Dry
Customer Reviews
Tagged with: Easter • farm theme • lamb • lamb shaped cake pan • nursery rhyme • shaped muffin pan
Filed under: Animals • Shaped Cake Pan


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A few photos and some words about the the project can be sent to the website admin e-mail and the webmaster will do the rest
Social Events
Our club is a social club. We organise a rally each month on a weekend and we also have a mid week run once a month on a Wednesday
We are always looking for new members to come along and join us. So if you have a veteran, vintage or classic car we would love you to come along and join us
Bay to Birdwood Rally - Golden Oldies 3 week adventure
This year our Golden Oldies rally saw us heading out on a 3 week round trip to Adelaide to participate in the Bay to Birdwood Rally. We had 14 cars start out. 2 hours into the trip one of our members was T-Boned and had his Mustang written off. No one was hurt thank goodness. So they headed back to Newcastle with their car on a tray truck, swapped over to their modern and joined us the next day. The following day an FJ failed and it was sent home on a tray truck and our members drove him in a hire car, picked up their old Mercedes and joined us a day later. Seeing a theme here anyone?? Over the next three weeks two more cars were to fail and be sent home on a tray with one set of members not completing the rally. Our travels us to us to Ballarat; Sovereign Hill; Horsham; the Grampians; Glenelg; Adelaide Hills, The Barossa valley, Adelaide itself, Edinburgh; The Clare Valley; Renmark; Mildura; Swan Hill; Albury; Goulburn then home. It was an epic journey. We saw some amazing sights and had some fun times. Unfortunately this trip was plagued by broken down cars day after day, which put a damper on things. Our thanks have to go to terry Smith who tirelessly worked on each car as it failed. Without him this trip would have been a nightmare and Vickie Smith who never complained once about all the work her husband was undertaking. Two great people indeed they are.
Mid Week Run - Mortels Sheepskin Factory at Thornton
Frank Mortel (master shoe craftsman) and wife Rita emigrated from the Netherlands in 1956 bringing with them the trade of shoe crafting, a trade that was passed down through the Mortel family for over 150 years. Mortels Shoes commenced in Sydney that year and in 1958 they commenced making ugg boots to add to their range of quality footwear. As such Mortels is one of the oldest, continuously running and most experienced ugg boot manufacturers in the world
Hawesnest Motorfest Run
This years Motorfest was a huge turnout. There were some showers, some sun and lots of cars to view.
Restoration Projects
Our club has some very skilled people. Many hours have been put into restoration projects. Here are a few of our projects by members.
Restoration of a Grey Fergy Tractor by John Donaldson
With the purchase of our new property in Vacy, we inherited a 1956 Grey Fergy Tractor. It was siting sad and unloved in a corner of the machinery shed and had not been in operation for many long years. Its engine had been half stripped and then left its paint was old and worn and not even the right colour and both its back tyres were flat - though it has to be said only on the bottom!
On inspection I discovered the engine needed a complete overhaul, the tractor was leaking oil from every joint and gasket and the brakes needed major work. Nothing for it I had to strip the old tractor down to a bare chassis and start from there.
The engine overhaul consisted of new liners and pistons all new valves in the head all new bearings and all seals replaced. The brakes were completely overhauled due to the old linings being impregnated with oil. Then came the cosmetics - replacement of parts like foot running boards broken steering wheel badges wiring etc. Once everything was repaired or replaced and put back together it was time to repaint the old tractor back to its original Fergy grey and make it look new and spiffy full of life and ready to work once more. Now the tractor is back in service and is dutifully mowing our 4 acres of grass. This was a labour of love that has restored a derelict old tractor back into a much loved and beautiful piece of machinery once again. Both tractor and owner are a very happy team.
One ongoing current restoration by John Donaldsonis a 1924 Garford Fire Engine being restored . As this restoration progresses ongoing updates will be posted.
The fire engine was acquired in Oct 2012 from a deceased estate
Little is known about the history of this fire engine since it was decommissioned from the fire service at Canowindra in June 1960. In the 50 odd years of private use it had lost its wooden wheel s – being replaced with land cruiser rims, the top had been cut out of the rear compartment and all the rear compartment doors were missing.The vehicle had finally been park up as it had a major engine failure. A cam follower had come loose, resulting in two bent valves, broken valve guides, damaged block and a hole broken out through the crankcase and the cast iron sump shattered as the various loose parts where thrown around by the crankshaft. Quite a mess and the magneto had also vacated the scene at some time.Other than that, the fire engine was fairly complete, although a lot of brackets and anything not bolted down had also been pilfered over the years.
After some enquiries through the Fire museum I gathered the following information
Went into service May 1924 at Eastwood (Sydney)
Then stationed at Narrabri
Then Windsor (Sydney)
Then Coonamble
Then Canowindra and finally decommissioned from the fire service June 1960
Had the solid rubber tired converted to Pneumatic in 1945, although these wheels were also long gone.The original headlights had also been replaced with sealed beam lights at some time during its active service and the switches on the dash had been replaced with domestic light switches.These mods where common to all the 1924 Garford fire engines during their service and are as you will see them at the various museums.It is my intention to restore the Fire truck back to as near to original as possibleThis picture shows the fire engine as it was originally commissioned in May 1924 with its original solid rubber tyres and bucket type headlamps Engine July 2015 The first job was to sort the engine as replacement parts are not available. The truck runs a 4 cylinder Buda engine. Buda was a American company who only made industrial engines for trucks and Marine use, so they are very scarce and near impossible to source any parts or information.I managed to source another engine that had been sitting in the weather with the cracked cylinder head removed. The head and barrels were beyond use but the crankcase unbolts from the cylinders and between the two engines there were enough serviceable parts to make one good engine The engine was fully overhauled and assembled with the best parts from both engines. A Magneto was sourced from a mate in Victoria and a few parts had to be manufactured in the lathe. The engine is now complete and ready to run. Gearbox and clutch August 2015 The gearbox was in fair condition although the shift leaver was seized in its housing and the forward reverse gears where fairly worn. The duel plate clutch plates were broken and needed replacing. As luck would have it the spare engine came with a gearbox attached. Once again there where good parts in the spare box to overhaul the original box and the clutch plates were in good condition
Rear axle November 2016
The rear axle was stripped and was found to be in good condition with the exception of the pinion shaft and seal retainer that had fencing wire wound around it that had cut the housing out. This was repaired and all the original leather seals were replaced with modern lip seals.
Brakes (rear only) December 2016
The truck has mechanical internal brakes on the rear axle only. Two shoes per wheel are operated by the foot pedal and two shoes by the hand brake. These where all stripped and overhauled. Front axle and steering January 2017
The front axle and steering was all stripped and overhauled as required. Not a lot of work was required hare as the vehicle had done very few miles. A lot of this was just stripping and cleaning and of course the tie rod was bent like a banana.
Wheels and rims February 2017
The original wheels and rims where missing and sourcing the origan items was not an option as the fire service replaced the original solid rubber wheel in 1945. A set of similar Chrysler heavy duty wheels and old new stock rims from the same era were sourced from Daryl Anderson in the club. Daryl has been very generous with supplying parts for this project and I thank him for this. These wheels had to be machined to fit the original Garford hubs and are close to the original spec but with period Pneumatic tyres in place of the original solid rubber tyres.
Fire pump – October 2016
The fire pump was stripped and overhauled; the pump was in remarkably good condition internally and required no new parts to be fully serviceable.
Chassis February 2017 The chassis was fully stripped and repainted in Monza Red after minor repairs and refurbishment. Assembly of Mechanicals March 2017 The suspension, front axle and rear axle was first fitted to the chassis and then wheels and rim/tyres fitted. Thanks Stewart Swards for the use of his rim expander, this made this difficult job very easy and stopped the newly painted rims from getting scratched and damaged.With the chassis back on its wheels, the engine and gearbox was the next to be fitted. Next to be completed. The fire pump is ready to be fitted but the running board brackets have to be fitted first. The steering box and column is in primer ready for its coat of gloss black and then there are the driveshaft and brake linkages to overhaul and then fitted to complete the mechanics of the truck. The radiator will need to be looked at as there is damage to the cores. The body is as it was removed, so there is a lot of work in that direction yet. The rear body had some rot in the woodwork and rust in the lower panels due to the wet hoses etc. that was stored in this compartment. The top of the rear body had been removed with a chainsaw, so some major reconstruction will be needed there as well. Then there are the missing compartment doors, missing battery box etc., etc.
I am still trying to talk my wife Tracey into polishing the brass rails but not making much ground in that direction either.
April 2017
Now added - the fire pump has been overhauled and fitted and now sits happily on the truck for the first time in many years. Steering column and steering box have also been overhauled and fitted. May2017
The Radiator has now been repaired and the radiator and radiator surround have both been painted and fitted. Exhaust system has been fabricated an fitted. The wooden steering wheel had to be totally refurbished before being refitted as it was in a very poor condition. Work now progresses with the fire wall and dash
John Donaldson
June - December 2017 It has been a fairly quite 6 months on the rebuild as I have been away on a few trips including the Bay to Birdwood Rally with the Club. The firewall and engine compartment has now been completed. All the assuages and switches are now overhauled and fitted. The aluminium floor boards had to be repaired and polished before fitting. The wooden frame for the seat was rotted and damaged so some new pieces of timber were crafted to fit. The bonnet has been painted and fitted and now corner protective leather boots were sewn together by Trace, then fitted. This month (December) I tempted to fire the engine up but the magneto turned out to be defective. Thanks to Greg Murray donating a magneto from his Graham Brothers Truck the engine is now purring along nicely. The truck has been driven in and out of the workshop a few times now. This is just as well as we are moving house in January and the truck can now be driving on/off the car trailer to its new home.
Previous restoration - 1960 Morris Minor Traveler - Owned by Paula Bullen.
As many of us know Paul Bullen was in the process of restoring a 1960 Morris Minor Traveler (Woody Wagon) which was intended to be a club car for his wife - Paula. Unfortunately Paul passed suddenly in 2014 and the project was unfinished. After sitting for a year in Paulas shed the restoration is once more in progress - this time by John Donaldson. The restoration is for Paula and is being completed as per Pauls restoration plan- as an original restoration with some modern safety upgrades. The Woody wagon as purchased was in fair condition apart from some panel damage and the wooden frame was rotted beyond saving. and mechanical work and was in the process of fitting the engine and gearbox when he left us. With the restart of the project the mechanical restoration was completed. This mainly involving connecting engine and gearbox components and fitting the braking system. Doors and guards had weld repairs completed and were fitted to the car, ready for painting. By August 2015 the car had been made car driveable and ready for painting. The car was taken to the painters early November and should be back before x-mas 2015.A new wooden frame had been sourced from England as the old frame was rotted beyond repair. The frame pieces were assembled and 4 coats of varnish applied, completing the building process. When the car returns from the painters the frame will be fitted and then will be ready for the glass and panels to be inserted. March 2016. The car body is now back from the painter, though the body panels have yet to be painted. June 2016 As the rest of the panels where returned from the painter (Wayne Thomas Smash Repairs in Warners Bay), they were assembled and fitted. The last panels, the four guards, and bonnet, where returned from the painter in June 2016. After final fit up, the car was finally registered on the 6th July 2016