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tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199661412018-12-28T04:39:30.644-05:00Witsend HereMind Blogging Satire Spun from the Witsend WebT.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1146543243834480952006-05-01T23:46:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:55.989-05:00"A Day Without a Politician" Overshadows "A Day Without an Immigrant" SP - A day that was supposed to be heralded as one of the biggest boycotts in history took an interesting, some say surreal, turn of events when all of the politicians simply disappeared. Not only did Mexican immigrants hold true to their word by boycotting the purchase of products and staying home from work en masse, but all the politicians disappeared from the political landscape as well. "It was unreal. Capital Hill was deserted," said Tony Carter, a substitute valet at Capital Hill, who was filling in for Reuben Gonzales. "I was hoping to make bank on tips, but the parking garage stayed empty all day long. And I know damn well that most of them Congressmen ain't Mexican."

Some observers likened the streets of Washington, D.C., to that of a ghost town with the obligatory tumbleweed blowing across the street. "I felt like I was trapped on the movie set of 'Westworld,'" said longtime resident Kathryn Beauchamps. "I was convinced Yul Brynner's malfunctioning, robotic gunslinger character was going to step onto the scene any moment, blow his final head gasket, and declare war on the world. I've seen stranger things happen in D.C. lately. It's getting harder to draw a fine line between science fiction and reality these days."

Politicians outside of the D.C. area were not immune to the mass disappearance. News reports all over the country reported empty state houses, abandoned county seats, and frenzied lobbyists running around like beheaded Chicken Littles, spouting "the sky if falling."

Here are some other developments that trickled in over the SP wire:

-Fox News was reportedly unaffected by the disappearance of the politicians. "We had to shuffle around some of our live interview segments," said spokesman Andrew Billingsworth. "The politicians' disappearance actually provided us with more material. Since we pride ourselves on being connoisseurs of the speculation business, we had plenty to speculate about."

-Paradoxically, by not passing any new legislation, Congress was actually more efficient and effective.

Helping celebrate "A Day Without a Politician," Bob Mould unplugs D.C. before leading the enthusiastic crowd in "We Shall Overcome."

-The money not spent by incumbent politicians in their reelection bids nearly quadrupled the money not spent by the Mexican immigrant boycott. "The Mexican population's attempt to make a political statement about their economic viability was undermined by the politician's disappearance," said Ernest Gaines, Professor of Macroeconomics at Witsend University. "My calculations indicate our country would be better off without politicians than without Mexican immigrant workers. If politicians were to stay gone for 73 more days, our budget deficit would balance itself. Quite frankly, this puts a whole new spin on the debate of who should and shouldn't be deported."

-No new wars, military police actions, covert military coups, foreign occupations, illegal wiretappings, political finance scandals, or threats from psychotic foreign dictators were reported.

-Armed with semi-automatic assault rifles and pepper spray, a group calling themselves The D.C. Libertarian Front has surrounded the city, sealing it off to any politicians who attempt to return. The group is also considering amassing a reinforced steel fence, topped with constantina wire, around the entire city of D.C. as a means of keeping opportunistic politicians from returning to their lairs.
T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1146083708511742882006-04-26T16:34:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:55.863-05:00Protestors Fear Illegal Immigrants Will Steal Their JobsFrom Witsend Daily – As the hot-button issue, immigration reform, reaches a boiling point atop Corporate Hill's backburner, Mexican immigrants (legal and illegal) have boiled over into the streets. The recent mass mobilization and impending work/product boycott on May 1st by Mexican immigrants and their sympathizers has spurned a ripple effect in the traditional protestor community. "Our days of forwarding online petitions and conducting virtual marches from the comfort of our homes are numbered," said longtime Witsend protestor, Ed McPherson. "If we don't watch out, the immigrants will steal our jobs from right underneath our virtual banners." (see picture left)

The United States hasn't seen a protest effort of this magnitude since protests against the Iraq War in European countries were aired on BBC news affiliates. "Watching the Mexican immigrants protesting and marching in the streets left my soul galvanized," said Julie Adams, coordinator for T.R.W.B.B. (This Revolution Will be Broadbanded). "Half of me was proud to see the protestors taking a page right out of our history, while the other half feared my livelihood as an active protestor was in jeopardy."

Fearing the Mexican immigrants will eventually steal their jobs, local protestors and activists in Witsend have begun mobilizing on the Internet and have organized a virtual counter-protest on the 1st of May. "We plan on taking our message to the Information Super Highway, and if this doesn't wake people up, we may take to the actual streets," said Adams. "If this means every twenty-something protestor is going to have to sacrifice spending a day in the basement apartment of his parents' house, then damn it, that's what has to be done. We have no other choice. Our backs are up against the firewall."

Proponents of the Mexican immigrant protests movement contest the traditional protestors are over-exaggerating the effects of the recent mobilization. "Mexican immigrant protestors aren't a threat to pre-existing legal protestors. They're only doing what nobody else wants to do," said Liam McHenry, spokesman for the Muckraker Border Crossing Security Department (a subdivision of Homeland Security). "Mexico is saturated with protestors. There's nothing left to protest, so protestors have come to the United States in search of new opportunities to voice their dissent."

MBCSD Agent Wolfgang O'Donnelly scans South Padre beaches for illegal immigrant protestors.

Sympathizers of Mexican immigrant protestors further contend that traditional protestors had numerous opportunities for dissent. "Where were they when the 2000 election was hijacked? Where were they when the Patriot Act sailed through Congress? Where were they when the war in Iraq was declared? Where were they when the president broke the law with illegal wire tapping?" said Maria Mendoza, an activist for immigrants' rights. Alluding to a Robert Frost poem, Mendoza contends: "They had plenty of chances to take the road less traveled since 9/11, but they chose to take the Information Super Highway. And that has made all the difference."

In an attempt to pacify illegal immigrant dissent, members of Congress are working on a "Guest Protestor" bill that would allow protestors from Mexico to come in during any hot-button issue and protest in the streets until the American public loses interest in the issue (roughly 2-3 business days*). Ironically, the "Guest Protestor" bill has only managed to stoke the illegal immigrant protestors' fire, and unless the firewall comes crashing down, traditional protestors may end up becoming mere parodies of themselves: nostalgic remnants of the past.

*Gauged by Witsend Think Tank, Tanked Thoughts Paradox, the estimate has a 5-10% confidence interval and is co-dependent on what celebrities are in the press at the time.
T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1145577923403154592006-04-20T19:59:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:55.720-05:00Talk to the Invisible Hand Invisible Hand addresses readers' questions and concerns about economics and what really happens behind the free market walls. Invisible Hand is the son of Adam Smith and played an integral role in capitalism's free market system until he became gainfully unemployed in 1986 – a direct result of trickle-down economics.

Dear Invisible Hand:

I've heard it said that a rising tide lifts all boats. Well, there ain't a whole lot of boats rising in my neighborhood, that's for sure. I saw on T.V. just the other day that 5.4 million more people have entered poverty since 2000. You sure can tell it around here. But the president says our economy is strong. Maybe the truth is, this particular tide is lifting only the yachts. What do you think?

Bitterly yours,
Sinking in New Orleans

Dear Sinking:

Declare war on Malibu! You're correct, the tide is not only lifting yachts, but it's been reported that some yachts have actually transcended the water in the Malibu Beach area. It's up to you and your dispossessed peeps to trek across the country in a Joad-like caravan, invade Malibu, and commandeer the floating yachts back to the Gulf Coast. This will not only prompt the Federal government to take quick and decisive action (nobody messes with Malibu), but you can turn the yachts into gambling boats, and everyone knows gambling fixes every economic woe.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
------------------------

Dear Invisible Hand:

My husband and I work for a small business which, due to the exponential increases in health care, was forced to take away our health benefit package. We can no longer afford to work for this business, but we're afraid to quit our jobs until we find new ones. Do you know a place we could work that will guarantee us health benefits?

Sincerely,
Will Work for Health Care

Dear Will:

Cuba.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
-------------------------
Dear Mr. Hand:

I was all for the Bush tax cuts. I believed the president when he said that if people get to keep more of their own money, especially rich people, they'd invest it and create more jobs. From where I sit, though, it looks like those folks are creating more jobs in Bangladesh than here in Batesville. My husband worked at the local casket factory for over 30 years, and we thought we were doing pretty good. Nothing's for sure but death and taxes, right? (Or so we thought.) Out of the blue, the company just folded up shop and moved the whole operation to Asia—and Howard just two years away from retirement. The personnel lady said maybe the laid off workers could get retrained to do something else, like plumbing. I'll be the first to admit that a lot needs flushing around here, but how many plumbers does she think Batesville needs? Besides, by the time Harold gets through community college, he'll be 65 and lucky to get a job greeting plumbers at Wal-Mart.

What are we going to do? Since you are so smart, I thought you might have some ideas.

Yours truly,
Hopeless Housewife

Dear Hopeless:

The President did create more jobs, just not in the United States. I suggest you take your husband's severance pay and put it all in one casket: invest all of it in the outsourced casket company. Imagine the new profit margin after the caskets go from a 1000% markup when manufactured in the U.S. to the 10,000% markup when manufactured overseas with sweatshop labor. Buy low before it's too late.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
-----------------------------

Dear Señor Invisible:

We were so happy in Mexico about the NAFTA! Things weren't going so good for me on my leetle farm, you know? Your American farm subsidies were driving me out of business. But when the NAFTA come, so many American factories opened on the border, si? So me and my esposa, we sell the farm and move to Tijuana to seek our fortune making shirts! This work was not so good as we thought, and we missed our friends and family, but it was work, eh? Then, the Chinese say they make the shirts for less money, so the factories go to China! Me and Maria, we no longer have bad job making shirts, no longer have farm, no longer have nothing!

So I write to you, Señor, to ask a favor. I think that if I am fast, I can make it past the fat Minute Mens at the border, and I come to your house and you give me job. Si?

Your amigo,
José

Dear Jose:

If you were to make it to Witsend alive, I'm afraid I have nothing to offer. Thanks to Reaganomics, I've been gainfully unemployed since 1986. I don't think working for the unemployed would be too lucrative for you and your wife. Although, if you're willing to wait another 21 months, I know somebody in Crawford, Texas, who will be unemployed and who will need somebody who possesses a firmer grasp of the English language, such as yourself, to ghost write his autobiography.

Faithfully Yours,
Invisible Hand
_________________________
To test the free-market system and Invisible Hand's expertise, please send your questions and/or scenarios to firstname.lastname@example.com.T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1145417204487456502006-04-18T23:23:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:55.613-05:00Breaking War News: The Second Coming of L. Ron Hubbard From Witsend Here – The long-anticipated birth of TomKat and L. Ron Hubbard's love child ended when their kitten, Suri, arrived on Tuesday. The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew, meaning "princess", or in Persian, meaning "red rose." Despite Scientologists claim that its members have reached a higher realm of truth than its earthly counterparts, it has yet to develop its own language.

Witsend Here Intelligence has picked up some bits of chatter from the Cruise Compound, but has yet to confirm whether or not the birthing tenets of the Church of Scientology were honored. The tenets demand that the mother remain completely calm, silent and drug free during the delivery. Intelligence did reveal some garbled baby screams, but after further analysis, the screams matched its alleged father's voice patterns - which were previously recorded on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" when Cruise hopped up and down on Oprah's couch like a born-again Thetan* and professed his love for Katie.

Tom Cruise reenacts Thetan mating ritual for Oprah, the same ritual used to ensnare Katie. Sources confirm this did not have the same effect on Oprah, and Oprah had ordered the couch to be torched after the shooting of the episode.

Witsend Intelligence is still gathering information as to whether or not Tom Cruise ate the placenta. Cruise had previously announced during an interview with "GQ Magazine": "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there." Although he claimed he was only kidding, Intelligence has confirmed that Cruise is worried about L. Ron's reappearance, and eating the placenta will reduce Hubbard's Thetanic resurrection.

Despite her 7 pound 7 ounce stature, Suri, the Savior of Scientology, has inherited the heavy burdens of having Tom Crusie as her alleged father, a lifetime Scientolgy membership, and an integral role in the perpetual "War on Scientology."

*Thetan: an immortal being in Scientology that has been reborn again and again and has lived trillions of years. Synonyms: Kenny ("South Park"), Jason ("Friday the 13th"), the Band of Bush Brothers, and Wyle E. Coyote.
T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1145364373007443782006-04-18T08:42:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:55.474-05:00"War on Scientology" Declares War on "War on Easter" Art Radley's Behind the Venetian Blinds

On April 11th of 2006, war was declared on Easter by Beyond Belief Media which launched a preemptive strike, dubbed "Operation Easter Sanity." It's obvious to my comrades in Witsend, D.C. (Dot Connectors) that this declared "War on Easter" is indeed a byproduct of the war propaganda machine – churned out by the Scientologists as a ploy to distract people from the only true war: the War on Scientology.

Similar to the early chapters of the Bible wherein there was a lot of begatin' to be gotten, it appears the current trend of war declarations is making its rounds in the world. No sooner are two wars innocently k-i-s-s-i-n-g-ing in the tree, before another war arrives in the baby carriage. While Official Wars, along with their Baby Boomer brethren, brace for retirement (since an official war hasn't been declared in the United States since WW II), it appears that Official Wars are destined to submit to their twilight years, when the real battle begins: choosing the right Medicare plan.

By proxy, Witsend is not immune to the current war declaration frenzy. Yes, Big Chief, I am an active member in the "War On Scientology" (check the tapes if you doubt me), and in response to Beyond Belief Media's declaration and initial assault, it's imperative that the "War on Scientology" recapture the spotlight and expose the "War on Easter" for what it truly is: an elaborate smokescreen. To clear the smoke and help people draw a clear distinction between the two wars, I've drawn up the following comparisons which highlight the differences between the two wars and their intended targets:

Easter: Byproduct of Christianity
Scientology: Byproduct of Science Fiction

Easter: Celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ
Scientology: Celebrates the perpetual resurrection of L. Ron Hubbard (who is currently occupying Tom Cruise's pod)

Easter: Recognized and celebrated by several church denominations
Scientology: Recognized and honored by a few monetary denominations, special preference given to the Ben Franklins

Merchandizing
Easter: Peter Cottontail
Scientology: Tom Cruise bobble-head doll

Film Propaganda
War on Easter: "The God Who Wasn't There" – No. #1 best seller on Amazon.com's independent documentaries list. The film is critical of the irrational beliefs of Christians and asserts that Jesus does not exist.
(see link in Creative Outpost for details/reviews)

War on Scientology: "Mission : Impossible II" – a subversive, yet allegorical film about IMF agent Ethan Hunt, who has been sent on a mission to retrieve and destroy the supply of a genetically created disease called "Chimera" (code for Christianity). But first, Agent Hunt must find "Bellerophon" (code for Scientology) which is a cure for "Chimera." (I'll let you connect the dots, dear reader.).

Preemptive Strike
War on Easter: "Operation Easter Sanity" – Armed with 666 DVDs of the documentary film, "The God Who Wasn't There," Easter insurgents, Beyond Belief Media, is covertly planning the film in churches throughout the United States.
War on Scientology: "Operation Enduring Tom Cruise" – plans to boycott Cruise's new film, "Mission : Impossible III," has been called forth by the Satirists.

When one man's paranoia becomes Everyman's reality, don't forget: Art Radley told you so…
________________________________
Art Radley's Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1144763265140670082006-04-11T09:39:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:55.211-05:00March Madness: Witsend Here's Index for March 2006Estimated number of U.S. workers who are college basketball fans: 58.5 million.

Estimated number of U.S. workers who think their boss should be outsourced to Tralfamadore*: 62.3 million.**

Average number of minutes employees spend on college basketball websites during March Madness: 13.5.

Estimated amount of productivity employers nationwide lost during March Madness: $3.8 billion.

Average number of minutes (per day) employees spend making fun of their bosses on the Web: 8.5.

Amount of productivity employers nationwide lost due to employees making fun of their bosses during the March Madness cycle: $66.4 billion.

Percentage of college students who told their parents they were going to help out with the Katrina aftermath during spring break: 13.

Percentage of these students who were found innebriated and washed up on a beach in South Padre, Texas: 19.

Percentage of these students who exposed themsleves to a "Girls Gone Wild" camera crew in Padre: 3.

Number of dumbfounded fathers who saw their daughters bare all while watching an Internet feed of "South Padre: Girls Gone Wild": 1,365.

Percentage of these fathers who revealed this information to their wives: 0.

Number of times T.M. Lindsey satirized President Bush during Lent (before the Lenten sacrifice was sacrificed): 0.

Number of satiric punches T.M. Lindsey pulled during sacrificial period: 31,204.

Costs of the War in Iraq billed to U.S. taxpayers: $272,374,900,000.
(see running total on sidebar)

Costs of the War on Scientology billed to U.S. taxpayers: $000,000,000,000.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's girlfriend, Katie Holmes, is having L. Ron Hubbard's love-child: 53.

Percentage of Americans who think Tom Cruise's is holding Katie Holmes against her will: 68.

Percentage of Amercians who support the War on Scientology: 88.

Amount of money it takes to get your foot in the Scientology door and take your first step across The Bridge of Total Freedom: $4000.

The 2006 HHS federal guidelines for poverty cut off for a person in a single household: $9,800.

Amount of money it takes to get your picture taken with President Bush at a Republican candidate fundraiser: $10,000.

*Planet named after inhabitants, of same name, who abducted Billy Pilgrim in Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five."

**This estimate includes undocumented workers who think Tralfamdore is an idyllic retirement community where retired C.E.O.s, donning golden parachutes procured through the exploitation of labor, fall from the sky.
______________________________________
This is Witsned Here's Index for March 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of http://witsendhere.blogspot.com/, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1144294983065743692006-04-05T23:41:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:54.998-05:00News from the War Front: Tom Cruise Denies Katie Holmes is Pregnant with L. Ron Hubbard's Love ChildFrom Witsend Daily – Tom Cruise vehemently denied a report released by the non-partisan War on Scientology Commission which disclosed a number of authenticated artifacts that reveal Katie Holmes is carrying the love child of the late Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Tom Cruise quickly refuted the report, claiming it was a complete fabrication: "The report is sheer propaganda. It obviously grew out of the Satirists' camp as a means of trying to undermine the Scientology war effort." When asked to reveal his sources for this accusation, Cruise grew visibly angry and retorted, "I'm an Operating Thetan VII for Hubbard's sake. The truth will always be revealed to me through Scientology. I am a conduit for the truth. I am the truth!"

The truth will reveal itself any day now. Katie's safely tucked away from the war front, housed in an undisclosed Scientology cell. Meanwhile the alleged father is off promoting his new movie and, rest assured, comforting Katie from thousands of miles away. Members within the Scientology community have been debating whether or not Holmes will abide by the Scientology rules while giving birth. Scientologists have gathered outside Cruise and Holmes's home with six-foot tall birthing boards, reminding Katie to remain quiet and drug free during the delivery. One sign read "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable." (Note this was the very same sign Scientologists used on the set of "Mission Impossible 3," urging Cruise to be complicit and let the computer graphics do their "magic".)

Witsend Here and fellow satirists denied playing any role in the Commission's report, propaganda or otherwise. "I'm not surprised by Cruise's allegations," said T.M. Lindsey, satiric war combatant. "This has been the modus operandi from the Scientologists since the war began. They claim they are the truth and deny anything contrary to the truth, and anyone who persists in claiming otherwise will face the Scientologist's spiritual wrath of litigation lawyers. I have three words for Mr. Cruise and his misguided minions, 'Bring 'em on!'"

Serving an integral part of the "War on Scientology," the Witsend Here Intelligence community managed to intercept negatives of Katie Holmes's ultrasound. (see photo)The unborn child bore a striking resemblance to Kenny, a star in "South Park" who is killed in every episode, only to be resurrected for the next. This proved to be the key piece of evidence, thus solidifying the Commission's findings that Katie is indeed harboring the unborn child of L. Ron Hubbard. The big question that still remains is whether the child will be indoctrinated into the world of Scientology, or will it be raised Catholic. The world waits while the "War on Scientology" pushes forward, silently and without pain of course.

Computer generated photo of what the love-child of L. Ron Hubbard via Katie Holmes will look like when it reaches full fruition.
T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1143994338112248902006-04-02T12:08:00.000-04:002006-11-11T23:56:54.841-05:00R.K. Muse's Haiku Tribute to April Fools'
RECIPES for DISASTER

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
-Mark Twain

(Note to Reade: To help fuel the April Fools' Spirit, be sure to do the ceremonial April Fools dance (improvise here) with the accompanied "April Fools!" battle cry.)

__________________________________________

 "Guest" Worker Program

Thank you for paying
Taxes to scrub our toilets.
Have a safe trip home.

__________________________________________

Iraq on the Rocks

Shi'ites and Sunnis
Make great Molotov Cocktails;
There's no Civil War.

__________________________________________

Condi's Kitchen: What's in a number?

Tactical errors
By the thousands make tasty
Rice-a-Phony Soup.*

*Surgeon Generals Warning: Recommended that soup is spoon-fed and consumed in small quantities, thus reducing the risk of consciousness and possible awareness by the recipient.

__________________________________________

R.K. Muse is Witsend's first and only (de facto) Poet Laureate, since no other poet has stepped forward to make a claim on the literary title. Although no verification of R.K. Muse's existence has been verified through the Bureaucratic Regime, he has left a trail of poems in his mysterious wake. The poems have appeared all over Witsend, usually scribed in what appears to be a red, water-soluble paint. The CSI of Witsend has tested the paint, and their results contend the red dye is a mixture of animals' blood, which helps support the popular theory among Witsendians that his initials stand for "Road Kill" and his muse is inspired by the unsuspecting victims whose souls he releases during the night.

T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1143753853302488422006-03-30T16:23:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:54.679-05:00Breaking War News: T.M. Lindsey Suspends Lenten Sacrifice of BushFrom Witsend Daily – T.M. Lindsey called a press conference early this morning to announce that due to the "War on Scientology," he's suspended his Lenten sacrifice of satirizing President Bush, indefinitely. "Everything has changed since the 'War on Scientology' began. Thanks to Scientologists and their unwarranted attacks, life in Witsend will never be the same," said Lindsey. "We're in a state of war, and I'll need every possible weapon at my disposal, and this means sacrificing or suspending any laws, restrictions, civil liberties, or iota of common sense that may jeopardize our mission."

Some members of the "Witsend Daily" staff felt relieved by the announcement. "A lot of people don't realize what a huge sacrifice T.M. made when he swore off satirizing Bush for Lent," said Kelly O'Reilly, Lindsey's personal assistant. "The sacrifice affected T.M. both mentally and physically. Resisting the infinite satiric possibilities, which grew exponentially every time the President opened his mouth, inevitably took its toll on T.M. during the past four weeks. All he could do was stand by, helplessly, and bite his tongue. It got so bad during the third week of Lent that T.M. had to have surgery on his tongue, repairing the damaged tissues and exfoliating the bad taste left in his mouth from this whole ordeal. We're very fortunate a war came along to save him from any more hardships."

Other staff members were a little disappointed the moratorium had been lifted, especially those directly involved with the daily upkeep of the "Bush-O-Meter." One member, who wished to remain anonymous, said "The Bush-O-Meter had become an integral part of my life. Knowing that I was responsible for updating this every day gave me a sense of purpose, a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I felt like T.M.'s sacrifice had become my sacrifice. It really brought our staff closer together. I feel we're truly united now, and I hope a united stand against Scientology will bring us even closer together." Plans for replacing the Bush-O-Meter are already in the works,* and this should help maintain the high morale among the Witsend Here staff during its initial war preparations.

Critics of Lindsey's announcement contend that while it's important to protect readers in a time of war, sacrificing one's integrity to do so will prove to be counter productive. "If T.M. can't even fulfill a commitment to himself, how can he possibly keep a promise to his readers?" said Cindy Heon, an outspoken member of the Empty Rhetoric Disarmament League.

A photo of Cindy Heon, taken by her Scientology captors just prior to her release from a Scientologist half-way cell in Clearwater, Florida. The photo was procured by Witsend Here Intelligence.

In response to his critics, Lindsey released a brief statement:

The War on Scientology goes well beyond me, and to question my integrity is to question the integrity of the war, which begs the question: Are you with us, or are you with them?

*Because Witsend Here wants the "War on Scientology" to be an interactive war, we encourage you to participate and help us decide what O-Meter slogan we should adopt for the war effort. (see poll and exercise your right to vote, or you may submit your own suggestion via e-mail).
T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1143601462475162672006-03-28T21:16:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:54.506-05:00News from the War FrontThe "War on Scientology" is building as the troops begin to amass. Taking their cue from "Witsend Here," it looks as if CBS will be joining the war effort.

Nicholas Meyer's CBS pilot suggest Scientology-like design (LA Times)

Hollywood bully Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night's cablecast of a controversial "South Park" episode about Scientology by warning that he'd refuse to promote "Mission Impossible 3," insiders say. Since Paramount is banking on "MI3" to rake in blockbuster profits this summer, and Paramount is owned by Viacom, which also owns Comedy Central, the tactic worked.

Drawing from his method acting background in "Risky Business," Tom Cruise issued a firm, finger pointing warning to "Witsend Here": "I'm on to you, Lindsey. If you persit to wage war on Scientology, I swear to L. Ron Hubbard that I will turn you into a cartoon caricature of me."

Our beloved media darling truly has been completely brainwashed by the Scientolgists. When asked what he thought about Cruise's warning, T.M. Lindsey responded, "I'm flattered. I've always dreamed of living in an animated world. Besides, my faith will always be there to protect me, and in uncertain times like these, I know I can turn to my W.W.G.K.P.D.? [What Would Guido the Killer Pimp Do?] for moral guidance."
T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1143413381605025132006-03-26T17:46:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:54.330-05:00"WITSEND HERE" DECLARES WAR ON "SCIENTOLOGY"! From Witsend Daily – When the creators of "South Park," Matt Stone and Trey Parker, recently declared "War on Scientology," the founder of "Witsend Here," T.M. Lindsey, felt there was no other choice but to join his satiric brethren by unofficially declaring war.

"There are no lines drawn in the world of satire, and our Intelligence informs us that Scientologists not only possess the necessary means and capabilities for drawing lines, but they intend to do so," said Lindsey. "Consequently, it's imperative for us (Witsend Here) to preemptively strike before the Scientologists, in their quest to monopolize 'the truth' and our way of life, unleash their lines on the free world of satire."

South Park's declaration of war came after a planned rebroadcast satirizing Scientology and its most renown member, Tom Cruise, was abruptly pulled by Viacom. Viacom owns Comedy Central, as well as Tom Cruise's soon-to-be-released film, "Mission Impossible 3."

T.M. Lindsey's Intelligence also revealed that the Scientologists did indeed draw first blood by threatening to discontinue Isaac Hayes' "auditing" (a regressive-therapy technique which involves re-experiencing incidents in one's past life in order to erase their "engrams," or psychic scars), thus sabotaging Isaac's "Bridge to Total Freedom" (path to Scientology enlightenment). These threats began after the episode in question originally aired on Comedy Central (click for clip). Because of the threats, Isaac Hayes, who plays the voice of Chef, an oversexed and overweight African American chef in the South Park Elementary cafeteria, had been admitted to the hospital for "exhaustion." Two months later, Isaac Hayes quit the show, accusing it of "religious bigotry."

The Scientologists may have "neutralized" Chef for the time being, but South Park returned fire with its season opener which briefly resurrected Chef only so his animated figure could be struck by lightening, impaled, shot, mauled by a mountain lion, eaten by a grizzly bear, and accused of being a child molester. Despite the self-sacrificial effigy, Kyle urges South Park residents to remember Chef as he was, before the brainwashing. "If there's to be any anger, don't direct it at the beloved cafeteria worker…We should be mad at the fruity little club for scrambling his brain."

Witsend Here will use the following strategy to help win the "War on Scientology." Each step will be unveiled in greater detail as the war itself unfolds.

Witsend Here's War Strategy:

The Seven Deadly Steps for Winning the "War on Scientology"

Step I (Pride): Creating a case for war

Step II (Lust): Arousing the Troops with W.M.D.s (Words of Mass Destruction)

Step III (Envy): Engaging the Enemy Within

Step IV (Wrath): Destroying the Enemy

Step V (Greed): Learning About the Enemy and Why They Hate 'Us'

Step VI (Gluttony): Stay the Course: Repeat Steps II-V until the War is Won

Step VII (Sloth): Implement Exit Strategy (Optional)

Coming Soon: A reader's guide to understanding the "War on Scientology," and Step I of the war strategy…
T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1142978543490075122006-03-21T16:59:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:54.211-05:00"Witsend Here" Adopts New Catch Phrase: WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?Holding on to a 37% approval rating, the staff of "Witsend Here," out of sheer desperation, decided to shake up the blog by adopting a new catch phrase: "WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?" Theoretically, the catch phrase's usage will increase name recognition and will one day become synonymous with "Witsend Here" as it infiltrates the perpetual "War on Ignorance."

"WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?" will rear its bold, ALL CAPS head whenever "Witsend Here" exposes any one of the following:

1. An illogical absurdity, usually of a bureaucratic nature.

2. A human foible so ridiculous that the reader has no choice to ask, "WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?" as a means of rational defense.

3. When the absurdities of the past repeat themselves in the present, despite the bright red warning lights flashing overhead (the light bulb having long extinguished itself and moved on to darker pastures).

"Witsend Here" will also introduce a periodic column self-titled "WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?" which will address subjects in the news that fall under the aforementioned. (see sample below)

Marijuana again tied to memory problems (Mon. Mar 13, 2006; Reuters Health)
 NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - People who regularly smoke marijuana may find their memories growing hazy over time, a study published Monday suggests. In a study of long-term and shorter-term marijuana users, researchers in Greece found that both groups performed more poorly on tests of memory, attention and other cognitive abilities than a comparison group who'd only occasionally used the drug...

Did researches forget about the previous studies that indicated the same results? (WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?)

Maybe studies should be conducted that examine the short and long-term effects of memory loss on those who conduct studies on the short and long-term effects of memory loss on marijuana users.

Tasos Sativa, Marijuana Memory Loss Researcher: "Hmmm, this looks familiar."
T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1142393541183984622006-03-14T22:30:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:54.102-05:00Quoteworthy: from "A Man Without a Country"
Kurt Vonnegut's thoughts on:

Science Fiction: "I think that novels that leave out technology misrepresent life as badly as Victorians misrepresent life by leaving out sex." (p.17)

Progress: "Now, during our catastrophically idiotic war in Vietnam, the music kept getting better and better and better. We lost the war, by the way. Order couldn't be restored in Indochina until the people kicked us out. That war only made billionaires out of millionaires. Today's war (Iraq) is making trillionaires out of billionaires. Now I call that progress." (p.67)

Reality TV: "I once was asked if I had any ideas for a really scary reality TV show. I have one reality show that would really make your hair stand on end: 'C-Students from Yale.'" (p.99)

Homeland Security: "The shoe thing at airports and Code Orange and so on are world-class practical jokes, all right. But my all-time favorite is one the holy, anti-war clown Abbie Hoffman (1936-1989) pulled off during the Vietnam War. He announced that the new high was banana peels taken rectally. So then FBI scientists stuffed banana peels up their asses to find out if this was true or not. Or so we hoped." (p.108)

Our Current Leaders: "Well, one wishes those who took over our federal government, and hence the world, by means of a Mickey Mouse coup d'etat, who disconnected all the burglar alarms prescribed by the Constitution, which is to say the House and Senate, and the Supreme Court, and We, the People, were truly Christians. But as William Shakespeare told us once long ago, 'The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.'" (p.111)T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1142000179700393332006-03-10T09:11:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:53.995-05:00"Burn" Fans Flames at Witsend's Creative Guilds' Idler AwardsFrom Witsend Daily – This year's Idler Awards were presented at an exclusive ceremony at the historic Witsend Theater in downtown Witsend, and the big-budget blockbuster, "Burn", was on fire, walking away from the carnage with three Idlers. It was a banner year for political films which swept all of the major categories. "Given all of the money spent on these films, it's not too surprising," said Jack Griffith, Witsend Creative Guild member and owner of the Witsend Theater. "When you have a captive audience which surpasses 200 million people, you're bound to put out some quality films, especially when the films are financed by the audience being held captive."

Best Picture: Burn

In a global community where all the countries are disconnected from one another and hatred continues to fuel the undercurrents of discrimination and racism, it takes a series of interconnected fires to bring the world together to make one really big fire. The film captures the intricate nuances of the fires as they spread across various Iraqi locations and consume one culture at a time, as infrastructures topple over one another like a series of dilapidated dominoes. The characters seek atonement in the film, but the film ends with a new fire, indicating the fires have gone full circle and will continue to burn. The film's 260 billion dollar budget has broken the previous record set by "World War II" and continues to grow exponentially. Producers and investors hope to recuperate costs after the fires are extinguished, when they can begin the merchandising phase of its campaign for profit.

Best Actor: Elijah Jorgensen, The bin Laden Tapes

L.A. born method actor Elijah Jorgensen does a masterful job playing Osama bin Laden in the series of tapes released by the State Department. Critics and linguistic experts across the globe agree that Jorgensen has effectively captured all of bin Laden's nuances, speech patterns, and facial tics. When asked what he felt about playing the evilest man in the world, Jorgensen responded, "In the world of acting, you don't always get to pick your roles. Sometimes your roles pick you, and I feel blessed the State Department picked me to play their poster boy for evil and perpetual scapegoat in the 'War on Terror'."

Best Actress: Laura Bush, The Constant Stepford Wife

Laura Bush's performance is phenomenal in the sense that it's withstood the tests of time. Paying homage to the "Stepford Wives" role, not once has Laura stepped out of her robotic demeanor, which in turn is a true testament to the loyalty she's ascribed to this role. With cameras zoomed in on her every move, Laura has redefined method acting as she eloquently maintains her robotic composure on and off the set. Her perpetual smile, empty stare, robotic gestures, and unyielding devotion and loyalty to her husband have left audiences wondering if Laura is indeed real. Laura accredits her southern upbringing for her success, "Growing up in the south, I was conditioned early on as to what it means to be a lady, and this conditioning has helped me land the perfect role."

Best Supporting Actor: Jack Abramoff, Hustle and Flo'

Abramoff's performance has stirred both controversy and fear among the rank-and-file Hos of the political world, garnering him the nickname "Political Pimp". Jack's support of the Republican Party has been unprecedented in film history, and his threat of "naming names" resurrects fond memories of McCarthyism. Bilking the Native Americans of money has been an American pastime since it was conceived, but hustling inevitably hit a lull when there was nothing left to bilk. But thanks to the rise of the gambling industry on reservations, Abramoff was able to step into the scene and exploit Native Americans, shifting the flow of dough to the back pockets of his stable o' bitches in the Political Ho House.

Best Supporting Actress: Martha Alito, The Crying Game

Martha's scripted display of waterworks and subsequent exeunt at Judge Alito's Confirmation Hearings not only helped her husband garner a seat on the highest court of the land, but elicited an unprecedented number of apologies from senators, including Senator Lindsey Graham whose "closet bigot" comment cued the waterfalls. The Crying Game splashed the headlines of most of the major newspapers the following day, serving as a pivotal distraction to the public from the meaty issues that would make them cry. Bravo, Matha! Bravo!!

Best Director: Donald Rumsfeld, Burn

Despite the opposition of critics who contend anyone could've won the Idler for best director if he/she had been given the same budget Rumsfeld had at his disposal. Rumsfeld managed to rise from the ashes and take home this year's Idler award for best director.

Director Donald Rumsfeld scouting Bahgdad locations to shoot his film, Burn

Original Screenplay: Burn

The screenplay for Burn broke all the rules of Hollywood screenwriting, relying primarily on improvisation and on-the-set script changes. Rumsfeld contends he had no idea where the script was headed before he began shooting his film. "I came in with a basic treatment, knowing that I could experiment on the set and let the shooting guide the script," said Rumself when contacted about his Idler award. "To be honest, I'm a little surprised the script won an Idler for best screenplay, especially since the script has no ending. You may find this hard to believe, but I never even considered any possible endings before we began shooting."

Director Rumsfeld informs Burn cast about script changes and recent cuts in costume budget.

T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1141594970388361622006-03-05T16:39:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:53.717-05:00"Witsend Daily" Editor Sacrifices Bush for LentFrom Witsend Daily – On Ash Wednesday, "Witsend Daily" Managing Editor, T.M. Lindsey, dramatically announced he was giving up satirizing President Bush for the Lenten period of 40 days (44 including Sundays). Lindsey emerged from his office with ashen smudged across his forehead, mounted his secretary's desk, and made the proclamation to the "Witsend Daily" staff, "Dearest colleagues, for too long I have binged on the infinite flaws of President Bush, who inevitably has become my satiric crutch. Whenever my satiric muse is stifled, I know I can turn to the President for salvation and wait for Him to speak, his words stoking the satiric fire. But no more; for I must retreat to the woods and purge my creative soul before my crutch consumes me."

Dumbfounded by the proclamation, the "Witsend Daily" staff dropped everything and focused their collective energy on their boss's proclamation. To honor Lindsey's sacrifice, the staff created the "Bush-O-Meter," counting down the days of the Lenten period and number of days T.M. Lindsey has gone without satirizing President Bush. (see sidebar)

Furthermore, the staff decided to get a pulse on what other members inside and outside the Witsend community were "giving up" for Lent:

Elijah T. Lindsey ("The Rev"), Reverend and C.E.O. of the Witsend Church for the Disenfranchised Souls, Inc.: "A perquisite of my higher calling demands that I don't give up on anything and anyone. My brethren are made up of people who gave up, or who were given up on, so it's essential I model this protocol."

Karl Rove, White House Chief of Staff: "I've decided to give up my obsession with Hillary Rodham Clinton. I can't seem to get her out of my mind. When I should be thinking about how I can spread the fear of terrorists and homosexuals and how they're destroying our way of life, all I can think of is Hillary dressed in a black mini skirt, hovering over me and talking down to me like a child, 'Now Karl, there has to be another means of releasing your pent-up sexual idolatries.' To honor the occasion, I tore down all of the Hillary Clinton pinups in my bedroom and quit sending her fan letters under the pseudonym, Johnny Walker, requesting her to send me an autographed picture of her in a red nightie."

Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Guitar and front man for the Catholic Rock Group, "The Genuflectors": "I've decided to give up sinning in general. Granted, I won't have any good material to write songs about and risk losing touch with my Catholic Rock audience base, but maybe abstaining from sin might help give me a new mental slate. You know, something like a creative enema."

Art Radley, Witsend's Residential Conspiracy Theorist and alleged writer of syndicated column, "Behind the Venetian Blinds": "Lent Schment. The Catholic Church has been using Lent to fuel the guilt machine, fuels the Sunday coiffeurs (notice that's why Sundays don't count as part of Lent: "cha ching!"), which keeps the Catholicism machine running. Name me five Catholics who actually withdrew into the woods and imitated the life of Jesus for 44 days, and I'll name you five horny Catholics."

Anonymous Pre-Seminary Student at Witsend Seminary Prep School: "I'm giving up all thoughts of homosexuality and any thought of a sexual nature that may serve as a gateway thought to homosexual thoughts."T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1141222916293809442006-03-01T09:16:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:53.594-05:00Witsend Here's Index for February 2006Number of standing ovations during President Bush's State of the Union Address: 31

Percentage of people at State of the Union Address who thought they were at a Catholic wedding: 62

Number of times Bush winked at Rex, thus acknowledging the Bomb-Sniffing Dog's presence at the State of the Union Address: 2

Number of times Bush acknowledged God at His address: 1

Number of jokes Bush told during the State of the Union Address: 1

Number of jokes that bombed during the Address: 2

Number of times Senators probed Judge Alito during his Supreme Court confirmation hearings: 864

Number of times Senators apologized for extraneous probing: 0

Number of times Alito's wife cried and had to excuse herself from the hearings: 1

Number of times during the hearings Senators apologized for making Alito's wife cry and leave the hearings: 312

Estimated number of people who watched the Super Bowl: 90.7 million

Percentage of people who said they only watched the Super Bowl for the ads: 73

Percentage of people who said the only reason they watched the Super Bowl was a fear they might miss seeing
Mick Jagger's nipple: 22

Cost per second to run an ad during the
Super Bowl: 2.4 million

Cost of entire marketing budget of Witsend Here since
its inception: $0.00

Estimated cost of war in Iraq since its inception: $244,225,450,000

Estimated cost of hiring 4,232,458 additional public school teachers for one year: $244,225,450,000

Percentage of voting-age Americans who thought the occupation in Iraq ended on 5/1/03 when President Bush announced "Mission Accomplished": 52

Percentage of voting-age Americans who tuned in to the latest episode of "American Idol": 64

Number of American military casualties since "Mission Accomplished": 2159

Number of Americans wounded in Iraq War since it began: 16,742

Number of times the Commander in Chief took full responsibility for those wounded in Iraq War: 0

Number of hunters wounded by the Vice President while protecting "our way of life" from despotic quail: 1

Number of times the Vice President took full responsibility for those wounded during the Quail Crusade: 1
_______________________________________
This is Witsned Here's Index for Feruary 2006 , which is part of Witsend Here, which is part of http://witsendhere.blogspot.com/ , which is part of Witsend Daily, which is part of you, which is part of me, which is part hypocrisy and part hyperbole.T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1141058007320651022006-02-27T11:32:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:53.456-05:00Saudi Arabian Prince and Real Estate Mogul Purchases White HouseThe Satiric Press – Unbeknownst to President Bush and the rest of the White House residents, their humble abode was put on the market and sold to Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia for an undisclosed amount of money and political favors. The current tenants have 30 days to vacate the White House premises, or risk embarrassment and political suicide if a D.C. Deputy Sheriff were to show up and have the inhabitants removed.

President Bush was completely caught off guard by the news and wasn't aware of the transaction until the deal had already been sealed. The President was informed about the sale and pending eviction by his wife, Laura, during his morning read aloud - a program piloted by the First Lady as a means of engaging adolescent males who are reluctant readers. "I had no idea our home had been sold until Laura read it aloud from the 'Washington Post.' I was under the impression that we still had close to three years left on our lease. Go figure."

Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has a history of acquiring lavish properties and turning them into hotel resorts for the royal families of his homeland, and the White House has become the crown jewel of his collection. Initially, the Prince had considered renting the West Wing to the current tenants but changed his mind after a thorough credit check, when the Prince's accountants discovered the tenants had built a trillion dollar debt since their White House stewardship began.

Within the hour, Bush informed the entire White House staff and live-in residents of the sale, and cautioned anyone from trying to sabotage the deal. "They have a saying back home in Texas, 'A deal's a deal, and any sum bitch who says otherwise had better keep one finger on the shotgun trigger."

Critics and congress were less enthusiastic about the White House sale, especially when it was announced that the buyers were from Saudi Arabia. "How can the President allow this to happen?" asked Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. "The Saudis have a detailed history of human rights abuses, especially against women. And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by and let somebody exploit and abuse any woman within the White House walls."

Other critics charge the sale is contradictory to Bush's oral commitment to fight his oil addiction. "Selling the White House to oil kingpin, Prince Abdullah, brings the addiction closer to home," said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend's Oil Addicts Anonymous. "It's like selling your estate to a crack dealer while you move into the servants' quarters in the back yard."

Senator Hillary went on the offensive, "Opening our borders, and worse, the doors to the White House to a country rooted in the 'War on Terrorism' is simply irresponsible, not to mention, it's counterintuitive to our homeland security policies."

President Bush defended his complacency and sleeping-with-the-enemy accusations, "Prince Abdullah and the Saudis have been our longtime friends and allies in the global 'War on Terrorism.' Sure we jumped into bed with the Saudis in the 1930s and planted our seeds of Democracy; and as a result, the Saudis bore the future terrorists, whose leaders we trained by the way, and now it's our mission to unite together and kill our illegitimate children before they destroy our global family."

Longtime allies and occasional companions, President Bush and Prince Abdullah, take a leisurely stroll along along White House garden path, where the Prince intends to build a wine-filled swimming pool.
T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1140644522814731352006-02-22T16:41:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:53.347-05:00Art's Inside Tips for Spotting TIPSTERS (Terrorism Information Prevention System Tattlers Engaged in Reconnaissance & Surveillance)
Art Radley's Behind the Venetian Blinds

Do you remember the TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System) program that was introduced in 2002 by the brainchild of the Patriot Act, John Ashcroft? (You know, the guy who lost a senatorial raced in Missouri to a dead guy, and was subsequently promoted to Attorney General. Go figure.) The program was supposed to piecemeal the Feds' (Department of Justice, F.B.I., Homeland Security, Department of Labor, and FEMA) responsibilities to a voluntary Citizen Corp (e.g. truckers and ship captains) who would report suspicious, publicly observable activity that could be related to terrorism. Kind of like the Neighborhood Watch Program, which cluttered up decent neighborhoods all over the country with "Neighborhood Watch Area" signs, as a means of warding off would be predators and keeping "single, quiet men who live alone and keep to themselves" from moving into the neighborhood. (Note: the latter didn't deter me. Besides, I seem to be the only one in the neighborhood who IS watching.)

Well, the TIPS program was apparently shelved, or that's what THEY want you to think. Big Chief's been heavily recruiting and training legions of TIPSTERS over the past four years, and they've been watching your every move, just waiting to report you for participating in terrorist-related activities (e.g. Leading a U.S.-sponsored coup in a non-democratic country or uncooperative despot). No worries, Art's here, and I have some inside tips to help you spot some of the more notable TIPSTERS in a community near you.

To liven up your experience, it's recommended you sing a parodied version of the theme song to "Cops" after each entry:

Jehovah's Witnesses: This one is a no-brainer (granted, this appears to be a prerequisite for getting elected to high office in the good 'ol U.S. of A.). Who better to spot potential terrorists than God's witnesses? Besides, they make great witnesses in the courtroom. "Your honor, we would like to call God's Witness to the stand." How goddamn dramatic! You'd better hope you have O.J.'s "Dream Team" at your disposal, or your hand trumps God (Note: In the U.S., a Royal Flush and Full House always beats a Jehovah.). If some Jehovah Witnesses come knocking at your door, be wary of letting them into your home. Allah, beware: Jehovah's in the house! Or do as I do and report them to the police, "I'm an active member of the Neighborhood Watch program, and I would like to report two suspicious people snooping around who appear to be armed with Watchtower Bibles."

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when God's Peeps come for you?

Wal-Mart Greeters: Don't let the disingenuous smiles and "Everyday Low Prices" fool you. These people are dangerous. Be aware of the flair, especially greeters with excessive flair pinned on their blue vests. What are they trying to hide from?

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when they flash their flair at you?

Job Seekers who shamelessly promote themselves with "Will Work for Name Your Price Here" signs at major intersections or along off-ramps of interstate highways: Unlike truckers and ship captains, these people will work for anyone if the price is right. The latter is the key to spotting TIPSTERS. Anyone willing to work for top-secret secret information or informal gratitude is a force to reckon with indeed.

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when they come work for you?

Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog, and The Dogs of War: Typically speaking, steer clear from all German Shepherds, especially if they respond to "Here, Rex." Veteran bomb-sniffing dogs from the theater of war have entered the Bomb-Sniffing Dog Relocation Program in exchange for sniffing out potential terrorists in unsuspecting communities.

Bad boys, bad boys,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when Rex comes sniffin' you?
_______________________________________

When one man's paranoia becomes Everyman's reality, don't forget: Art Radley told you so…

Art Radley's Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1140445408956096132006-02-20T09:22:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:53.230-05:00Bush, Inc. to Discontinue American DreamThe American Dream officially ended when Bush, Inc., announced it would no longer produce, market, or sell the American Dream in the United States. "Americans are no longer buying into the American Dream," said Constance Kennedy-Rockefeller. "People have traded in four-bedroom homes, white picket fences, two-car attached garages, and retirement security for food, health care coverage, bankruptcy lawyers, and video-poker machines."

According to an in-depth cost benefit analysis conducted by Bush, Inc., sales of the American Dream have seen a dramatic plummet over the last six years. The analysis pinpointed the increase of economic globalization for the sharp decline. "The American Dream has always been a hot commodity among immigrants," said Cody Wilder, Vice President of Marketing for Bush, Inc. "But the dynamics of globalization have forced us to rethink our marketing and distribution strategies. No matter what formula we use, the bottom line indicates we need to focus all our energy and resources on foreign markets, where the American Dream still has economic viability."

Bush, Inc. has already poured a great deal of its resources in test marketing the American Dream in the foreign market. Since March of 2003, Bush, Inc. has spent an estimated 250 billion dollars marketing the American Dream in Iraq and hopes, contingent upon shareholder approval, to invest an additional 72.4 billion dollars for the remaining fiscal year. "The American Dream hasn't had a lot of traction in our target market, Iraq, but we're confident business will be booming once people see all the benefits. We saw similar patterns in the United States during the 1930s, but thanks to a war, sales of the American Dream mushroomed in the post-World War II market. "We've also started promoting the American Dream in Iran. We're looking to add 85 million dollars to our Iranian campaign and hope to set up full-scale production of the American Dream by year's end."

The analysis also indicated that sales of the American Dream in the United States leveled off in the late '60s and began bottoming out in 2001 when it was bought out by Bush, Inc. Wilder contends, "The market for the American Dream in the United States has become more savvy, not to mention we've had a difficult time breaking customers' misperceptions that people are born with the American Dream and that it is no longer attainable through patience, hard work, and frugality. To help minimize these misperceptions, we've increased our promotional vigilance by broadening the scope of lotteries and other get-rich-quick-schemes across the country, but to no avail. We felt discontinuing the American Dream in the United States was our only option. Besides, there are hundreds of untapped markets in the world, and it's our mission to give everyone a taste of the American Dream."T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1140190855532854822006-02-17T10:34:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:53.098-05:00WITSEND DAILY OBITUARIES: Spy ("Spying")Recent cloaked operations, dubbed "Terrorism Surveillance" by the Bush Administration, put the final dagger into Spy (a.k.a. "Spying"), ending a clandestine lifetime filled with mystery, intrigue, romance, fear, humor, controversy, and shoe phones.

Spying will always be remembered for injecting life into the Cold War, especially in 1953 with the executions of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, who were accused of providing Russian intelligence with top-secret nuclear weapons information. Spying's notoriety was further fanned by Senator McCarthy's anti-Communist crusade. The United States was rife with paranoia, and like Sputnik, Spying's fame soared into infamy; everybody and their brother was spying on everybody and their brother. Spying had become an international celebrity and could no longer look back over its shoulder.

It wasn't long before Spying was romanticized in the literary world with Ian Fleming's creation of James Bond (a.k.a. 007) in the 1953 novel, "Casino Royale." James Bond continued to capture the imaginations of readers all over the world and eventually made his splash on the big screen with his cinematic debut of "Dr. No" in 1962 – when the Cold War, thanks to the "Cuban Missile Crises," had reached its boiling point.

The fifties also saw the boom of "I-Spy" books which were spotter guides for children, preparing them for the infinite opportunities in the world of spying. The company producing the introductory spy books was run by a succession Big Chief I-Spies - whose chiefdom name was derived from the I-Spy Tribe. A new series of books inspired by I-Spy, "I-Survey," will be distributed by the Homeland Security Department. Due to a copyright infringement case filed by Big Chief I-Spy, publication of the books is still pending. The first three books of the perpetual series will include "I Survey Terrorists," "I Survey Extreme Islamic Fundamentalists," and "I Survey Them Surveying Us."

Thanks to "Mad" magazine and its 1961 publication of a wordless black and white comic strip, "Spy vs. Spy," Spying's prolific career continued to mushroom. The strip was created by Cuban, Antonio Prohias, who fled to the United States in 1960, just days before Fidel Castro commandeered the Cuban free press.

Spying's celebrity took a fall with the Berlin Wall in 1989, never fully recovering in the post-Cold War era. Spying saw a brief reprise at the turn of the century with the release of the Austin Powers' film trilogy, in particular the box office smash, " The Spy Who Shagged Me," but in the end, it was Spying who was inevitably shagged by Surveillance.

Unbeknownst to the public, Spy(ing) is survived by Espionage, Monitoring, and Surveillance who, due to security concerns, will not be able to attend Spying's undercover funeral. Although, survivors will be able to hear Spying's funeral on a tape-delayed wiretap recording, which will be broadcasted by the National Security Agency via the Guantanamo Bay Radio frequency.T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1139943213935196562006-02-14T13:23:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:52.981-05:00Love Haikus from Fair Witsend's Fatal Loins

Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.
-Romeo; from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet

Axis of Evil Haiku Trilogy

Act I: Saddam Hussein
Old bearded madman,
Poetic justice awaits:
Whitman you are not.

Act II: Kim Jong-il
Mysterious eyes
Hide behind true intentions.
Let's karaoke.

Act III: Mahmoud Ahmadimejad
Put up your nukes, and
We'll deal you into the game;
Ante up your oil.

Bush Bitches,
by Rex, the Bomb-Sniffing Dog
How I long to hump
The green zone in Iraq. Tempt
me not with your legs.

Shotgun Wedding
Stay the course my friend;
The trail of birdshot leads home.
I can't quit you, Dick

T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1139801727307903412006-02-12T22:34:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:52.693-05:00Click, Click: Big Chief's Listening to You
Art Radley's Behind the Venetian Blinds

I knew Big Chief was listening when the doublespeak cronies spun "Domestic Spying" into "Terrorist Surveillance." What next: "Pre-Emptive Foreign Terrorist Surveillance"? Ever since the big towers fell, I knew Big Chief was listening in on my telephone conversations. I'm on to you, Big Chief. And now, dear reader, you will be too.

Top 5 Signals Big Chief is listening to you:

5. When you press star-69 and you get 911.

4. A continuous reel of Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A.," a Psy. Ops. (Psychological Operations) favorite in the Democracy Crusades, is playing in the backdrop. (Note: Despite the song's patriotic title/hook, the remaining lyrics in the song have influenced foreign people to pee on the American flag.)

3. Trust me, He is…

2. An ice cream truck is parked and idling on your street. Be especially wary if it's after midnight or below freezing outside.

1. You click over to call waiting and a White House secretary invites you to go hunting with the Vice president. (Jesus, Dick! And I thought I was paranoid.)

Art's Top 5 Big Chief Counter Intelligence Tools if you sense Big Chief is listening:

5. Every once in awhile, interject a non-sequitur statement to get them scribbling and hunting down false leads. (e.g. The moon is full and rises over the crisp desert.)

4. Never use your real name, but rather, adopt a handle from the porn industry (e.g. Deep Throat), and speak in your best Godfather-impersonation voice. (Don't use "Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre." That's my handle, and Big Chief is already on to me. Besides, it's quite a mouthful.)

3. Speak in equivocal, heavy-handed metaphors (e.g. "Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work – and life.").

2. Keep a downloaded copy of The Patriot Act (this alone will perk up Big Chief's ears) next to the phone, and when you sense Big Chief is listening, begin reading the manuscript word for word, and I guarantee Big Chief will tune out by the fourth page (the average drop-off point for those who actually voted for it).

1. Never go hunting with Big Chief's Dick.

When one man's paranoia becomes Everyman's reality, don't forget: Art Radley told you so…
_____________________________________________
Art Radley's Behind the Venetian Blinds is syndicated through Witsend Syndicate and, at the request of the author, appears sporadically in the Witsend Daily.T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1139544516914001622006-02-09T23:06:00.001-05:002006-11-11T23:56:52.578-05:00Ubiquitous Bush Caricatures Ignite Widespread ApathyFrom Witsend Daily – According to a recent study conducted by a Witsend think tank, Tanked Thoughts Paradox, George W. Bush's caricature is the most recognizable image in the world, surpassing the real-life images of Bono, Charleton Heston, Bill Gates, Desmond Tutu, Osama bin Laden, Oprah, and himself. The study also indicated a direct correlation between the ubiquitous Bush caricature and the apathetic contagion that has caught afire and spread across the globe. "For the longest time, the United States has taken an isolationists approach to containing apathy," said Constance Madigan of the Witsend think tank, "but with increased globalization, apathy is no longer an American commodity."

Over a two-year span, the Witsend think tank conducted a series of studies at Witsend Elementary, measuring the cause-effect relationship between Bush's caricature and apathy, and how this correlation has impacted student test scores. "Caricature recognition begins at an early age," said Madigan, "and it's important to measure how they've been impacted by a man caricaturized with over-sized elfin ears, exaggerated laugh lines, and whose diminutive stature is often cloaked in baggy cowboy duds, cowboy boots, and a 10-gallon cowboy hat. This can be a very traumatic experience for an impressionable child. These images don't just go away."
When asked who their favorite cowboy was, 87% of those surveyed said George W. Bush, followed by Wyatt Earp (5%), Jesse James (4%), John Wayne (3%), and Yosemite Sam (1%). "The line between reality and fiction has blurred for kids today, and with NCLB looming, some of these kids may be left behind the lines."

The Witsend chapter of the L.I.C. (Life Imitates Caricatures) Society wasn't at all surprised by the findings. "There's a reason we switched affiliation from C.I.L. (Caricatures Imitate Life) to L.I.C.," said John Clooney, president of Witsend's L.I.C. chapter and curator of the Witsend Caricature Preservation Society. "George W. Bush has made us rethink our perception of who's imitating whom."

Thanks to the Internet, Bush's caricature has infiltrated cultures all over the world, spreading apathy, or "our way of life" across the globe. Google recently introduced its modified search engine to China and when googling images of George W. Bush, only caricatures of Bush appear. Fearing the Bush caricatures will have the same apathetic effect on its people as the United States, many countries are trying to ban his caricature. Bush responded to this banning, "This is just another reminder that there's a lot of people in the world who are threatened by our way of life. The spread of caricatures is an essential foundation of freedom, and we need to protect these freedoms at any cost."T.M. Lindseyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1139406814666323012006-02-08T08:53:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:52.284-05:00"Da Vinci Code" Defrocks Holy Bible from Top Fiction Spot
From Witsend Daily – After spending over twenty years as the No. 1 fiction book on the Witsend Creative Outpost's Catholic Bestseller List, "The Holy Bible" had to step aside and make room for Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code." "The Bible had a good run," said Gale Simpkins, sales manager at the Creative Outpost, "but it was only a matter of time before a new piece of fiction ignited the imaginations of our Catholic readership. "Da Vinci Code" is a bookselling phenomenon, clearly blessed by Saint John of God-patron saint of booksellers. It has nearly doubled the sales of the No. 1 non-fiction book, 'Catholicism for Dummies,' on the Catholic Bestseller List."

Not all of the Catholic community has been receptive to the "Da Vinci Code's" monetary prowess in the literary world. The book was eventually denounced by the Vatican when Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, archbishop of Genoa, broke the Vatican's virtual silence on the book and told Vatican Radio that nobody should read it and certainly Catholic bookstores should stop selling it. "There's a big anti-Catholic prejudice. It aims to discredit the church and its history through gross and absurd manipulations."

Cardinal Bertone: "Da 'Da Vinci Code' is full of nothing but da fiction."

Father Lawrence of Witsend's St. Francis de Sales Catholic Church echoed Bertone's denunciation: "In the wake of the sex-abuse scandals, we've had enough trouble protecting the image of the Catholic Church. The last thing we need is anti-Catholic propaganda spreading through the world of fiction. In today's literary world, writers have no scruples when it comes to making things up and pawning it off as fiction. It's simply blasphemous."

Sister Dymphna, a literature teacher at the Parochial School of Witsend, contends there is a more disturbing issue to worry about than the "Da Vinci Code." "I'm more concerned about the Bible being placed on the fiction list. We've been trying to have 'The Bible' moved to the non-fiction list ever since the list's inception. For the past twenty years, my students have been writing the Vatican and requesting the Catholic Church to take a stand on this issue, but to no avail. We're still waiting for word from the top, so we can get on with our lives."

Father Lawrence has spearheaded a similar letter-writing campaign requesting the Vatican give his brethren permission to take to the streets and protest "Da Vinci Code's" sinful uprising on the bestsellers list. "My flock has grown increasingly upset and restless. They've been planning public book burnings of the 'Da Vinci Code,' protests and picketing of bookstores who sell the books, and some militant factions of the church are looking to torch any institutions that openly recognize the book and its fictitious teachings. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep them at bay. I hope the Vatican hurries up and takes a stand within the next five years."

Meanwhile, some members of Witsend's Catholic community have been able to capitalize on the controversy. The Genuflectors runaway hit, "Breakin' the Da Vinci Code," has been quickly climbing the Catholic rock charts. The group is currently on the front end of their 2006 Ultimate Forgiveness Tour, promoting their new CD, "Got Forgiveness?" Despite criticism from the Catholic Church, the group denies they are exploiting the situation. The group's front man, Saint Thomas, Patron Saint of Catholic Rock 'n' Roll, said: "What can I say? We're bigger than the Pope."
T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-19966141.post-1139236775384323452006-02-06T09:36:00.000-05:002006-11-11T23:56:52.069-05:00Bush's Admission, "We're Addicted to Oil!," Fuels Membership Spike in Oil Addiction Anonymous Groups
From Witsend Daily – After fighting a losing battle with oil addiction, President Bush finally admitted defeat, outing himself in front of the entire world during his State of the Union Address. The President's pulpit confessional encouraged other oil addicts, who were living in denial, to come out of the closet. "Our membership has more than doubled in less than three days," said Derek Martin, recovering oil addict and chair of Witsend's Oil Addicts Anonymous. "We tend to see a spike in membership whenever a high-profile oil addict outs himself, and it looks like we just hit the mother load."

"The President has taken the first big step in the road to recovery," said Carol Cummings, White House Rehabilitation Counselor. "Given the history of oil addiction in the Bush family, this is a monumental first step in breaking the endless cycle of addiction." A byproduct of oil addicts, George W. Bush was born an "Oil Baby." According to Cummings: "Since they're born with oil already pumping through their veins, Oil Babies are especially challenging to break from the perpetual cycle of addiction. It's hard to win a battle if you're not even aware that you're even fighting one, let alone implement The Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction*."

President Bush emerging from stretch limousine after all-night oil binge

America's addiction to oil has been around since its conception, but Oil Addicts Anonymous (O.A.A.) was not born until the late 1930s, when America struck a deal with their main supplier, Saudi Arabia. "The whole thing smacks of conspiracy," said Art Radley, Witsend's residential conspiracy theorist; "The United States and the automotive industry and the C.I.A. have been pumping oil into America since the Eisenhower Administration as a means of keeping the American people down by keeping them hooked."

The Witsend chapter of O.A.A. is not the only group experiencing a membership spike since Bush's coming-out party. The national spokesperson for O.A.A., Elizabeth Montgomery, said, "Bush's admission is more symbolic than the Berlin Wall coming down and ending the Cold War. The wall of denial is starting to come down, a monumental occasion in bringing an end to the 'War Against Oil.' Membership has spiked all over the country. It's only a matter of time before everyone is hooked on O.A.A. All of the media has fed our enthusiasm and we're negotiating a celebrity endorsement contract with Earl Campbell, former running back of the now-defunct Houston Oilers."

Earl Campbell (left) celebrating 2 years of sobriety at O.A.A. party for recovering oil addicts

Cummings said President Bush's oil addiction recovery will take time; and to help protect national security, his recuperation will be top secret. Although Cumming did indicate that his rebirth will probably take a great deal longer than his Christian rebirth, adding: "These things take time. It doesn't just happen overnight."

*Twelve-Step Exit Strategy for Oil Addiction

1. We admitted we were powerless over oil; that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that an alternative power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to take back our will from O.P.E.C. (Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries) as we understood Them.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our homes, basements, attics, garages, motorized vehicles, arctic refuges, toilet tanks, unsuspecting third-word countries, and sandboxes – as a means of ensuring temptation had been extracted from our lives.
5. Admitted to ourselves, the Tin man from the "Wizard of Oz", and to any human being - who was willing or paid to listen to the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We're entirely ready to have practicing environmentalists remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked practicing environmentalists to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons, places, or things we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such persons, places, or things wherever possible, except when to do so would only hurt them or others due to additional consumption of oil.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it to anyone within walking distance.
11. Sought through an act of Congress to improve our conscious contract with the Petroleum God, as we understood Him, begging only for alternative energies and an occasional fix in the case of an oil pandemic.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to oil addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
T.M. Lindseyhttp://email@example.com


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Short-term exchange program in Romania!
19.09.2017 / 08:51 / 11193
Dear colleagues and students,
The International Department of UWED pleased to announce that the 2017 Call of applications for a scholarship within the Erasmus+ project for students and staff in Alexandru Ioan Cuza University of Iasi (Romania) is now open.
All willing persons can find detailed information about participation in this program and upload necessary documents, through official web-site: https://erasmusplus.uaic.ro/
Application deadline is October 15, 2017.
We wish a good luck to all applicants!


text:
Here's another article in a series that highlights how my clients have solved common content challenges. In this post, you'll learn how inContact built their successful lead nurturing email campaign and how you can follow their steps to create your own.
Building email lead nurturing campaigns might seem daunting, but I can attest they really pay off. My client, inContact, develops cloud solutions for contact centers, and has used these types of campaigns successfully with their Eloqua marketing automation system for a few years.
I'm often ask how to get started with email nurturing. Here are the six steps inContact followed to launch their campaigns:
I love a good research report. For marketers, it's the closest we come to having a crystal ball that gives us relatively concrete answers about nebulous subjects like buyer behavior. One of the areas where I see many of my clients have long conversations with their colleagues is their websites. Should we put our address in the footer? Should social media sharing buttons be located near every case study link? Will long contact forms turn our buyers off?
It's always gratifying to know that folks who are trying to get their personal content beast under control find my webinar and articles on the subject helfpul.
There's lots of information about content marketing out there, but it's a bit harder to find resources that directly apply to or are helpful to technology marketers. Since marketing technology is relatively unique, I've created a list called "Best Content Marketing Resources for Technology Marketers" on List.ly.
Please read it, share your opinions on the resources, and add your own favorites to the list so it continues to evolve into a useful resource.
UBM TechWeb recently published an interesting report on what technology buyers want from their vendors' content. As you might image, it didn't involve requests for more product datasheets.
Rather they want fact-based, best practices-oriented content that helps them make purchasing decisions. Although this research is focused on the technology industry, the results can be applied to most any complex, B2B purchasing cycle.
(To see the what buyers don't want in your content, visit my post: "Technology Buyers' Biggest Marketing Turn-offs.")
Vitamixes are those super-duper high speed blenders that liquefy just about anything you put in them – like entire oranges, apples, spinach, and even other solid objects that aren't edible. And, amazingly, there's a content marketing lesson to be learned when it comes to using the Vitamix for making smoothies.
When our Vitamix first arrived, we shoved aside the recipe book that came with it and started making smoothies just like the demonstration guy at Costco. We threw in whole fruit that wasn't peeled or seeded, greens, juice – anything that sounded good. The result? Some of the worst smoothies ever. And the Vitamix, the super-duper-blend-anything machine, just sat there and roared while it vainly tried to blend up our mess.
According to Market2Lead, the sales cycle is nearly 25% shorter for nurtured leads.
Lead nurturing is a great method for staying in front of prospects that aren't yet ready to buy from you. Most of us are aware that some percentage of the names in our database might have a cursory interest in our services, but due to timing, just aren't in the market yet for a solution. However, if you implement a lead nurturing campaign, you can stay top-of-mind with these prospects so when they ARE ready to buy, they'll think of you first.
When it comes to content – planning it, creating it, using it – Product Marketing's role is often unclear. In many organizations, the role of content creator and planner is the Marketing Communications team. They handle outbound marketing execution, and hence, take the lead in content creation and distribution.
But given that Product Marketing is often a key business owner for a particular product or service, and probably cares a good deal about how their product is being marketed to buyers, it makes sense to include Product Marketing in content marketing efforts.
Plus product marketers have the buyer knowledge to create really good content. No one else in Marketing likely knows as much about their buyers as the product marketers.
Monday 9 am. The Sales VP is drumming his fingers on your desk demanding more leads for his team.
You have two choices:
1. Fire off an email offer to your entire database.
2. Calmly explain the advantages of quality over quantity.
I'd take #2.
It will Transform Your Team into Your Company's Most Valuable Asset
Adele Revella is the queen of buyer personas. I was fortunate, early in my career, to attend Adele's "Effective Product Marketing" class. It's where I first heard of buyer personas and their positive effect on your organization, your revenue, and your professional reputation.
Design Your Product Datasheet for Skimming and Scanning
Product datasheets are one of those checklist items in the technology industry; your buyers expect you to have them (or, at the very least, your sales team does.) But the nagging questions are: Does anyone really read them? And, more importantly, what can we do to make them more readable?
In my opinion, technology buyers WILL read a datasheet if it's written and laid out well. The key is understanding the majority of buyers will first scan it to pick up the main points, and, if they deem it useful or interesting, they'll skim the other content. If it passes the skimming and scanning test, some buyers will read the datasheet in detail. So, it's important to write good copy that gets to the point quickly and to use a very readable layout.
Content marketing is about producing high-value content that addresses your buyers' concerns and interests. The focus is on education, not selling. It's also about giving buyers the information they want when they want it – not hitting them over the head with lots of stuff they may not be ready for – because they'll either ignore it or delete it.
Remember, technology buyers are delaying talking to your sales team – they want to do as much self-service research as possible before they contact you. To help them, you need to align your content with the stages in your sales cycle.
Becoming an Expert on Your Buyers
The information overload in our digital world is staggering. As a marketer in the technology industry, you've got to ask yourself "Does anyone read this stuff I'm producing?" After all, technology is a competitive industry, and your competitors are hitting your buyers as hard as you are.
No wonder technology prospects are jaded, aren't taking your sales teams' phone calls, and just want to be left alone until they are ready to reach out to you. But how do you align your marketing with that desire?
Want cool ideas for smart content? Sign up for my monthly newsletter and get my free report "How to Make Your Content a Strategic Marketing Weapon".
Find the right technology copywriter with this free checklist.


text:
Tue Jun 12, 2018, 03:03 PM
MBS (8,319 posts)
How Trump is killing America's alliances
. . Trumps betrayal of South Korea and eruption at Trudeau are not one-offs, or events you can write off as simple quirks of the presidents personality. It is part of a broader slate of Trump policies and diplomatic efforts that have, put together, fundamentally weakened Americas ties with its traditional allies in ways that could have potentially disastrous consequences for the world. Americas alliances depend on the USs reputation for upholding its agreements and treating its allies fairly. Trumps blithe disregard for diplomacy and international agreements has damaged the USs reputation in a way that some scholars worry may be irreparable. And a deep body of research on international relations suggests that the strength of Americas alliances in Europe and East Asia have played a pivotal role in preventing another world war. The more Trump mucks around with American alliances, the more unstable the world becomes making a large military conflict more imaginable.
. . .
And President Trumps foreign policy could well be doing such damage. His approach is so erratic, so contemptuous of Americas traditional way of doing business, that US allies are openly worrying in a way that we havent seen in modern history. This affects world politics at their most fundamental level, undermining an otherwise stable global system in ways that we are only dimly capable of perceiving. The past weeks news was a particularly naked demonstration of what had been, to date, one of the most subtle and insidious effects of the Trump presidency: an erosion of the foundations of the political system that defines and protects the modern world.
Trump is attacking the heart of American alliances: trust
. . . Trade pacts, environmental agreements, and the Iran nuclear deal dont touch the core US promise in US military alliances to defend allies in the event of an attack. But backing out of such accords does serious damage to Trumps reputation as a trustworthy ally. Withdrawing the United States from major agreements and imposing tariffs on allies, all while cozying up to Vladimir Putin and sitting down with Kim Jong Un, tells US allies that Trump doesnt feel particularly bound by formal agreements or the traditional thrust of US foreign policy. If he decides that an agreement doesnt put America First, hes perfectly willing to kick it to the curb. Trump has openly said this in the past. In July 2016, he told the New York Times that he would be willing to disregard Article 5, the provision of NATOs founding treaty committing allies to defending each other in the event of the attack.. . .
The result of Trumps reputation for unreliability, then, is a weakening of American alliances. Allies will trust the United States less, and may start looking for alternatives to depending so heavily on the United States. Enemies will see cracks in US alliances and may attempt to exploit them. The liberal international order depends on us believing that agreements like treaties [and] international organizations have long-term staying power beyond leadership change, Brett Ashley Leeds, a scholar of US alliances at Rice University, tells me. The scariest part is the fact that [Trump] is creating so much uncertainty about what US policy is going to be. . . .
The world order is a little like a game of Jenga. In the game, there are lots of small blocks that interlock to form a stable tower. Each player has to remove a block without toppling the tower. But each time you take out a block, the whole thing gets a bit less stable. Take out enough blocks and it will collapse. The international order works in kind of the same way. There are lots of different interlocking parts the spread of democracy, American alliances, nuclear deterrence, and the like that work together to keep the global peace. But take out one block and the other ones might not be strong enough to keep things together on their own. . . When a fundamental force for world peace starts to weaken, no one can really be sure how well the system will hold up. Nothing like this the leader of the worlds hegemon rounding on its most important allies has ever happened before.What Donald Trumps presidency has done, in effect, is start up another geopolitical Jenga game. Slowly but surely, hes removing the blocks that undergird global security. Its possible the global order survives Trump but its just too early for us to say for sure. Given the stakes, its a game wed rather not play.
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How Trump is killing America's alliances (Original post)
|Jun 2018
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|Jun 2018
|Jun 2018
|Jun 2018
Response to MBS (Original post)
Tue Jun 12, 2018, 05:15 PM
Blue_Tires (51,956 posts)
1. Yeah, but Hillary was too "establishment" and "status quo", amirite??
And she didn't "excite" people enough to go to the polls
Response to Blue_Tires (Reply #1)
Tue Jun 12, 2018, 05:52 PM
MBS (8,319 posts)
2. In some early 21st century election (2000? 2004? 2006?) , I remember some talking head noting that
"Americans are in a nihilistic mood." A certain subset of American voters have been in a wrecking-ball mood for a while now and for me it's a key explanation for the tragic results of the 2016 "election," making it harder for Hillary, and creating an opening for racist, incompetent, corrupt con men to wreck our country. I've been wondering these days how many of those Trump-voting folks who wanted to "shake things up" are feeling these days, as their health premiums soar, as the farm economy reels from Trump's tariffs, and more. As Charlie Pierce wrote a while back, "temper tantrums have consequences."
Response to MBS (Reply #2)
Tue Jun 12, 2018, 06:19 PM
Blue_Tires (51,956 posts)
3. I have no doubt that his rural voters are quite happy
As long as Donnie sticks it to the elites (whatever the hell that means) cracks down on those disloyal Negroes kneeling for the anthem and sweeps all the Mexicans out, they won't care if everything else is a disaster
Response to Blue_Tires (Reply #3)
Tue Jun 12, 2018, 07:04 PM
MBS (8,319 posts)
4. So depressing.
As long as there are supporters who think all of this fine, we're in trouble.


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You see, when I got accepted in this job two months ago, I had made up my mind that this is something I want to keep. The job was supposed to be good for three years and I had decided that I would want to stay in the project for that duration. So, this news really left me puzzled and in a way devastated, though I tried my best to hide it.
From Monday up to the last moment, the thought of D-day never sunk into my mind. I remember telling my mom last Monday how I really wanted to stay. The thought of Friday was like waiting to leave home -- balikbayan style.
It breaks my heart because I really didn't want to go. It was what I kept telling mom the whole week. I am not prepared to leave. I knew that I had found a place where I'd be okay. Where I'd be happy. Kat and Beth were the representation of what Tita F and Tita V had prayed for for me -- they were wonderful colleagues. The same with M. I may not have shared much conversations with him, and even finding it a bit awkward to talk, but that's not a reason for me to not speak of reputable words.
There are just things, situations and people that are beyond words to describe and deeds where thank you might not be enough.
Now, it's going to be no flowers, no Valentine date and again, no job. But rather than thinking of the first two, I am more concerned of the last one. Losing it is like losing half of myself.
But as painful as it could be, goodbyes are always necessary; and the universe won't dare to care even if you refuse.
For sure, the morning after will not be this easy. Things will linger on.


text:
Read this tip to make your life smarter, better, faster and wiser. LifeTips is the place to go when you need to know about College and other Academic topics.
Watch all deadlines. Impose a deadline for yourself that is at least two weeks before the stated deadline. Use this 'buffer time' to proofread your application before you send it off. YOU are responsible for making sure all parts of the application arrive on time. This includes supporting materials, such as letters of recommendation and transcripts. So make sure everyone who is contributing to your application has ample lead-time. If worse comes to worst, call the scholarship provider in advance and ask if it's possible to receive an extension. Don't just send the materials in late; many committees will refuse late applications. But don't rely on extensions - very few scholarship providers allow them at all.
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