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The other day I sent my duvet to the cleaners for a long over due wash and press, leaving my bed with just the white down comforter in its place. The duvet is back from the cleaners and I just can't seem to make myself put it back on the bed. The sensible thing to do would be to put the darker duvet back. I know Magnolia's gray kitty hairs will soon be all over the white comforter, but I just love the white crispness. Perhaps it is a summer thing, but for now I think I am leaving my bed all white. Even if that means I have to take a lint roller to it each morning. It is just so nice to climb into each night.
With the duvet
Come fall I may change my mind and put the duvet back on the bed, but for now I think I like it without. These photos do make me realize I need to get some art on that wall STAT! Perhaps I'll find something at Brimfield tomorrow.


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Kategori: DAILY
Two pictures from the cruise
Starting from the beginning, I've had the time of my life.
After a two and a half hour bus ride to Stockholm, we got to the terminal where we had to wait what felt like forever before we got to board the boat. Finally on board, we went to our room, changed clothes and went to dinner. The buffé was amazing! We sat there for an hour or so and just ate, talked, drank and laughed.
After dinner, we went to the tax free and bought the supplies for the night. Back at our room, it was time to open the first can and start the party. As the night went by, we were the ones ending up throwing the preparty, so we invited our neighbours to our room and then it went crazy.
We went to the top dance floor where the Swedish DJ Peter Siepen were playing all kinds of music. It was never a dull moment on the dancefloor. The boys we had invited tagged along and we met so much new people and laughed until our stomachs hurt.
Around 4am, we went to another dance floor, which I must say, were disgusting. I fell right on the dance floor, got up, got punched in the jaw and got half a glas of beer in my hair. Real nice.
When breakfast opened at 5am, we went to eat. I was literally so tired it almost felt like I would bang my head in the table. No kidding. It ended up with us going to our room for a 6 hour powernap. At 12pm, we woke up and I were the only one who started drinking again. So at 4pm, I opened the last drink for the cruise and after that, I was dead.
After that, all we did was to wait for the bus to come and pick us up and take us home. And after a long three hour ride, we finally got to our local station and got to go home.
It was definitely the most fun I've had of all times I've went out, which says it all. Nothing can really beat this night! It was amazing.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Left Front will observe sit-in demonstration program in protest of terror against the Left Front activists unleashed by the goons backed by the ruling party and attack on democratic rights as well as the livelihood of the common people of the state from 25th - 27th June. Biman Basu, Chairman of West Bengal Left Front Committee, also informed that street corners will be organized in all corners of the state from 16th - 22nd June to make the program successful. The West Bengal Left Front Committee took the decision in its meeting held on 13th June.
A Left Front delegation met Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee on 9th June and demanded immediate halt to political violence in the state. The Left Front Chairman said nothing meaningful has been initiated by the state administration since then. He further said the nature of the terror unleashed is unprecedented and severe. Even the minors are not being spared by the TMC hooligans. The murderers of the Left activists are not being arrested. On the contrary several Left activists are being charged with false and fabricated cases. The supporters of Left Front are not being allowed to crop in their lands. The aim of such terrorization is to cripple mass movements and democratic rights; and ultimately to abolish democratic space, articulated Biman Basu.
The State Government is doing nothing to control the sky rocketing price rise. Setting up any new factory or industry seems to be a day-dream in West Bengal where the running factories are being shut down. The employability is shrinking day by day. The farmers are being deprived of equitable price and nor they are getting proper support price, said Biman Basu. He further said people of all terror-driven will take part in the sit-in demonstration program and they will share their experience with their comrades and common people.
The sit-in demonstration program will start from 25th June to recollect the black days of internal emergency which was declared on the very date in 1975. The attack unleashed on democratic rights during emergency is worth remembering in TMC regime where onslaught on all democratic spheres have become a practice.


text:
In reality this will only happen if I get ahead of myself this summer. I am already in the middle of writing up a lot of my old research and cross-checking old quotes and evidence to see if it still says what I read it as saying last time... In between all that I have my Coursera coursework to do each week (Note, I need to finish Through the Looking Glass tomorrow). Still not sure what on earth to write as I HATE writing essays without a theme or title... Oh and I have 3 jobs I want to apply for as Awesome Job 1. I didn't get shortlisted for, and Awesome Job 2 still hasn't replied, so I shall assume a negative there too**. Lastly there is Project Get Fit to work on. Being overweight makes some physical disabilities I have a LOT more painful so I am using the time I am away this summer to kick start me getting fitter so that I don't make myself get worse. So yeah, lots of stuff to get on with... Good job I don't like being bored! :)
Link for evidence:
TNA: Black Presence exhibition - Elizabeth I
TNA: Black Presence exhibition - John Blanke (Henry VII & VIII)
TNA: Black Presence exhibition - Moors in Scotland
*Long comment thread is LONG, k!
** As as aside, I really wish that when you send in applications electronically, the receiving institution would reply. It would take a simple MailMerge, cost nothing and take very little time once set up, and yet would create goodwill and let those who are applying for 3+ jobs a day know when they have wasted their time. Leaving you to assume is horrid and rather rude, plus it assumes that your contact for the successful candidates has arrived. I always worry that our post has gone walkabout AGAIN if I don't hear from someone or something in a reasonable time.


text:
Some new hairclips. I saw some similar hairclips at the shop the other day and thought it was a definate craft I could tackle. In fact, it was easier then I thought.
Some ribbon, some clips and a decent amount of hot glue (with a bonus of some scorched finger tips!) Anyone could tackle this, not worthy of a tutorial really. but might do one for tommorow anyway.


text:
What do I do when everyone is healthy....
Make baby doll diapers of course!!
I've been itching to sew another project and this one was SO easy!!! I plan to make many more :) I found the tutorial here.
I can't wait to show Reese these (here previous doll diaper has lost all of its adhesive).


text:
tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36542033145021256442018-05-28T21:58:28.756-07:00Lovesick BorderlineCarriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-40446701779961456832011-06-06T16:22:00.000-07:002011-06-06T16:23:16.371-07:00I'm carrie and I am a love addictI am Love-Sick and I am a love addict.

I have been struggling with love addiction for ten years but have only been aware that it was a problem since January 2010.

So..lets start at the beginning..Where did this all happen and why?

Ever since I could remember, I had a "crush" on a boy or was completely pre-occupied with someone of the other sex. Never did I think this was an issue, problem, let alone an ADDICTION.

Throughout my journey in and out of sex and love addiction fellowships, chatrooms, and face to face meetings, I have seen that it stems from childhood trauma. This could be any kind of abuse. A lot of sex and love addicts have been sexually abused, and this is a common derivitave the addiction, however, I have never been sexually abused by anyone in my family and no one in my family has ever been sexually abused. There is no incest in my family, never has been.

My addiction personally stems from physically abuse I endured in my childhood (done by my mother and father), emotional abuse, and lack of nurturing. The lack of nurturing has effected me the most.

My mother and father did not have the best of relationships. They argued a lot, he hit my mother, and they divorced when I was about nine years old. I saw my dads on weekends, but he was never really there for me and my sister. It was my mother, sister, and me for the longest time. My mom and I did not get along for the most part. Her and I were always yelling at each other, she was always getting on my case, and we always seemed to fight. I do not want to play the "victim" here. That is the last thing I want to do. But, it was pretty tough.

I know I could be a brat, especially growing up. I had anger problems, got violent, and fought with my sister. But even on good days, my mom seemed indifferent to me. She related well with my sister, as they had similar personalities.

I did not experience enough amounts of positive attention, love, and affection from my parents. I was not in one of those families where emotions and problems aren't shared, but I was in a family that shared everything and talked about EVERYTHING in a negative, screaming way. So yeah, we were discussing things, but not the way we should have been.

This lack of attention and love caused me to look for it in different places.

It started off as having crushes on boys. Which I thought was completely normal. I was fifteen I had my first "real" boyfriend. We will nickname him C. My first kiss with C was at 15, and we got sexual a year after that and dated for almost 2 years.

After this break up is when everything started to happen. Here I was almost 17 years old, and single for the first time in awhile! I was in this long relationship and I guess I subconsciously wanted to start getting attention. Especially after I spent the WHOLE summer in my room, crying, and wishing I was dead after this breakup. (which my mom said wasn't normal but this was my first breakup..so I did not see anything irregular at that point..until I look back on it now).

This breakup was crucial iN mapping where my addiction started. It was homecoming at our school, and this guy who I had asked to go with me (who denied me at first) then accepted and agreed to go with me. I was never the most popular girl at school or sat with the popular kids at lunch and here the guy I asked, was a football player. Even though it was Junior Varsity, it was still a big deal.

Looking back on it now, I probably looked pathetic. I am now aware of my "Addictive behaviors," but wasn't before, and I was probably making a fool out of myself. Writing him notes and talking to him all the time, he probably thought I was so clingy. But, at the time I had no idea what I was doing. I thought I was just a girl with a crush on a football player and happy I had a date to homecoming.

I would find myself dialing his number a lot then hanging up..and calling again and again. Everyday that led up to homecoming seemed to drag, and all I could do was obsess about the upcoming date I had. I wanted to look perfect and wanted him to like me more than anything.

When the date finally rolled around, I found myself greeting him at the door and him being indifferent to the whole thing. I brushed it off as we drove to the restaurant to meet some other couples. None of his friends were my friends, as they were "high-society" because they were on the football team, most of his friends were on the varsity team, including the quarterback. The entire night seemed to rush by, and we barely talked to each other.

When we finally got to the place to dance he actually told me to "go hang out with my friends," as he went to hang out with his. I danced and didn't seem to mind, as the night ended and we went to his friends house. They were having some party with the popular clique's of the school and we were invited.

After a night of sitting there listening to popular kids bitch about their lives, my date came outside and asked me if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked to his friends Blue Jeep Liberty. He opened the door for me (oh what a gentlemen, I stupidly thought), as we closed the door behind us. We started talking, he asked about my recent breakup, this tricked my naive mind into thinking he was "interested." Somehow we got on the subject of sex, he asked if I was a virgin, I said I was not, as I had previously lost my virginity to C, the guy I dated before.

I am pretty sure this guy was a virgin, and told me that. This was seven years ago, so my mind is a little clouded. Before I knew it, his tongue was down my throat. I slowly kissed him back and he tried his best to reciprocate. He was a lame kisser I thought, and he started to take off my clothes. I hesitated and told him that this probably wasn't a good idea, especially after this being our first "date" and I barely knew him. He said something meaningless and not convincing, but I found his tongue down my throat again.

Maybe I wasn't wanting to be mean about it, but I knew I did not want to take my clothes off. This is the first time in my life that i remember a man wanting to do something sexual to me and me wanting to say no, but I did not because I feared him abandoning me (like C did) or stop showing me the attention that I desperately wanted.

We ended up having sex and I went home thinking I was in love with him. A romantic, "smitten-like" feeling was washed all over me for almost two months after that. Lets just say he completely tried never talking to me. I tried to hang out with him again, he did not want that. He ignored my calls to his house, or my stupid notes I delivered to his locker. I was used and this was the first man or boy to do it to me. I was experiencing a lot of firsts wasn't I?

To make matters worse, he told EVERYONE. He told the entire football team, and my history teacher even found out because he was some sort of coach on the football team and he overheard it in the locker room one of my friends said. I was humiliated. My twin sister found out and told my mother, and I was grounded. My life seemed to be over.

After the homecoming incident, M's friend (The quarterback of our high school football team (how dreamy) asked me out two weeks later! A normal girl might have been apprehensive to this. One thing lead to another and i went over to his families lake-house and we had sex (he wouldn't talk to me after that and told everyone too) I thought he really "liked" me, and I felt so in "love" with him. Everyday at school my heart would race when I saw him. One of my friends knew I liked him, and even gave me a picture of him that she had. Things would've been a lot easier to deal with if he would've just told me to get lost. But he didn't.. Do you see a pattern here?

I was too stupid to see he just wanted to have sex with me that night.

Little did I know that THIS was the beginning of a long path of pain and hurt of being a love addict and that this would not be the only man who would embarrass me, lie to me, and would not be the only man who I would delusionally be "in love" with.

When I used to hear or watch anything on addicts, they were all addicted to substances. Whether it be an alcoholic, pill-popper, or someone addicted to crystal meth or cocaine. I was familiar with twelve step programs, friends were in them or I watched about them on television.

I never grouped myself in the category of an addict, EVER. I drank every so often, and yeah I even got drunk. I was obviously not an alcoholic. I never tried heroin (never would), cocaine, or crystal meth. I was obviously not a druggie either.

I did not group myself into this group until 2010...

When my count of how many men I slept with got larger, I started to to suspect SOMETHING was going on. Here I was battling with borderline personality disorder, and one of the symptoms or whatever is promiscuity. So, I thought this was where my sexual acting out was coming from and that it was a problem for sure but not not an addiction. I didn't realize it was both until I walked into the bookstore that night in 2009.

My boyfriend (fiance now) and I went to the bookstore to look at books about each of our mental disorders. As I glanced in the personal growth section, a book randomly caught my eye. I picked it up and started reading the synopsis on the back of the book. The book was titled "Love Sick," by Sue William Silverman. After reading the back of the book, tears welled up in my eyes and I walked to another aisle to regain composure. This book talked about my very existence...

This is when I became aware that I was in fact a sex and love addict. Someone addicted to sex and love, who is powerless over it and has an incredible dependency and obsession level in relationships.

This is my story, my life, and my story of survival.

<3Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-8515168889551322092011-01-16T19:39:00.000-08:002011-01-16T19:43:34.152-08:00Lyrics to my lifeI love these lyrics from Jewel's song "Drive to You."

"I searched for answers on a hotel ceiling."

"I've made love, without love being shown.."

I love Jewel <3

Jewel seems to know exactly how to depict a moment I have felt in my life in almost every one of her songs..

I remember in the 90s-2000's, listening to Jewel with my twin sister in our bedroom we shared growing up. Don't you love memories like that?Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-57461339059123101872010-12-13T10:17:00.000-08:002010-12-13T10:34:44.900-08:00Controlling angerLife has been pretty okay lately. I've just been struggling lately with my anger. I do not know how much of this is related to BPD or how much is related my my withdrawal and my addiction...but whatever it is, it is taking complete control of me. Whenever I am in a fight with my fiance, I get so angry and I pick something up and throw it against the floor or the wall. Every time we are out shopping and I buy a knick-nack ,he gets upset and says there is no point in buying it if I am just going to get angry and throw it when I am pissed again. I hate this about myself. I just do not know how to stop. This is all I have been doing for 5 years. This is the only coping mechanism I have known. Other than insulting people, the only thing I know how to do when I am pissed is to break things. Speaking of insults, I have been bad with those too. I have said so many choice words to my fiance, and I wish I could take them back. So this week, I am working on my insults and I am going to do all that I can not to break anything. The only other coping strategy my old therapists have told me is to "Walk away" or take a "time out." This sounds so foreign to me. Everyone makes it sound so easy. "Just take a time out when you are about to break something or if it gets bad," they say. For someone who always finds the need to solve things right at that very moment, it is pretty difficult to just walk way. But I know this is what I have to do. The way I treat my fiance is not acceptable. The way I destroy things is insane and it must stop.Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-68541392404994770602010-12-07T10:48:00.000-08:002010-12-07T19:07:59.391-08:00Another birthday, ANOTHER long blog post]So, I turned 24 last weekend, Happy birthday to me. I had an overall good birthday, I just was very sensitive this past weekend because my sister and I (my twin) were supposed to be together the weekend of the 12th to meet up in Charleston for a late birthday thing, and her husband now has to work, so we will not be seeing each other until around January. We are twins and we have not been together on our birthdays for like 4 years now, I hate it! I was also in a bad mood because my father has been ignoring my calls. He did not even call me on Thanksgiving. I was all worried he was not going to call me on my birthday either. I had called my sister after getting all worried about it and she said she had talked to him three days before and that he called her on Thanksgiving. I really do not understand that man at all. Sometimes he sends me gifts and not her, and sometimes he calls her and not me. He really is a poor excuse for a parent. So, after talking to my sister I call him up and he actually answers. He even said that he left me a voice-mail on Thanksgiving Day. What a liar. I guess my cell phone company is so messed up that they lose voice mails from me. Give me a break.

That night (Friday) We had a birthday party for me at my place. Only four people said they were coming, and I guess I felt a little worthless and unpopular because a lot of people weren't coming. I talked to my cousin about it and he is it is QUALITY not quantity. He's right. Would I really be that much happier if fifteen people showed up, most of which weren't really even my friends? No, I wouldn't. The people who came to my party were REAL friends. CLOSE friends. I haven't even known these people that long, but I would take a bullet for almost all of them. Especially my BFF who I always talk about. Kyle is his name. Kyle is in the newspaper with me at school, that's how we met. He is my best friend and always will be. Without him, I wouldn't know what life really is about. I can always go to him with my problems, and he can always come to me for his. He was late to my party bc him and his girlfriend had a fight :( I hate to see him upset because that just isn't his personality to get upset or be sad. He is a very happy and exciting person. We talked awhile about our situations and then he finally showed up and bought me a bottle of wine for my birthday. What a nice guy More people came, and we played some board games which was a lot of fun. We smoked a lot of weed and watched some South Park. It was a pretty good night and it took my mind off my problems which was nice.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling like I was hit my train. It was probably because I drank some beer. I usually ONLY drink wine and not that much of it either. But, it was a special occasion so I drank beer and wine and that is probably what did me in! I was supposed to go to yoga @ 930 in the morning, but I felt too hungover to do that! Even though I was up early, all I could manage to do was take a bath and go back to sleep. Hey, it was my birthday, so I got away with doing whatever I wanted! I eventually woke up again at like noon LOL. I got some god sleep and it felt good. I saw my fiance out in the living room with a big pink bag, and he said he had to sign my card really quick. It kind of ticks me off that he was signing my card THE DAY OF MY BIRTHDAY. IDK. I am very sensitive about my birthday I guess. I picked a fight, and broke some things, kicked down a door, and unraveled. I also had a problem with the yoga outfit he bought me. I said it was too big (Which it was) and it was ridiculous that he did not know that. I mean, it was a size small but jesus it was way too big for me and I got so pissed off at that.. I was just being CRAZY that day.

WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING. POSTS ABOUT SELF INJURY.

Then I cut. I cut with my razor and sliced my arm open. I started to bleed, and my cuts started to sting. I felt alive. My fiance was just watched me do this and I asked him why he wasn't trying to stop me and why he was just letting me do this to myself. HE was frozen though. Completely frozen without knowing what to do. He then started to complain about the fact that I was getting blood on the outfit because he wanted to return it. What a jerk!! How can he just care about getting blood on the stupid outfit? Well, he finally started holding me and took the razor out of my hands. He picked me up again and let me cry in his arms for awhile until I started to feel better. Then I smoked and cheered up a little bit..Had kind of a mellow day. Went to the dog park, watched some football. Had a lazy day, but I really enjoyed relaxing the way we did. made me feel a lot better..

He wants me to email this therapist I looked up the other day. We cannot really afford it, but I guess we can make it work, I am so afraid to work on my problems. One day I am all 100 % in on making myself a better person and working on my shortcomings. But then again on other days, I just want to be the way I am without changing. Isnt so easy just to stay the same?Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-58863262021330032952010-12-01T10:51:00.000-08:002010-12-03T06:59:12.057-08:00Haven't blogged since Thanksgiving. Lots has been going on in my life these days.

First, I had a great Friday. My fiance and I had a lazy day. We woke up around noon (we were pretty tired I guess) and we watched some football. Then we went to a friends house for Thanksgiving #2! It was really nice. Everyone there was welcoming and friendly. After we ate we watched a few hockey games which was a lot of fun. I drank (Which I usually never do), and I was a little drunk too LOL. After that, we headed home and watched some south park. I cannot believe that I ever thought this show was stupid! It think its brilliant.

Saturday was pretty much the same. Slept in, watched football. My team lost badly, but they are going to a bowl game so that's good. After getting pretty high and watching a few football games, some friends came over for our bonfire. We have been having them almost every weekend. But this time, there was a pretty good group of people, probably about 10:) Felt good to have friends actually show up to something of ours. THe fire was going pretty well and everyone seemed to be having a good time. I then asked everyone if they wanted to play truth or dare and everyone got really excited, so we started to play. It was all cool for awhile but then this guy (one of our friends) says he wants to make the game dirty, and I was game for that. However, I started to get real pissed off and couldnt seem to handle it. Every sexual question people would ask my fiance, he always applied it to him and an ex'es sex life. Like, WHAT THE FUCK? I guess we hadn't been together for 4 years. He told me later he forgot about the fact we fucked in a public place so he thought only him and his ex had. This upset me a lot We made love on the fucking beach, yet when a friend asks him if he has ever had sex in a public place and my fiance says yes, in a locker room with my, you bet I am going to get pissed off. I started to feel lousy. I ran into the house and locked myself in the bathroom. I wanted to hit myself. I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling at that present moment. My eyes were searching for any sharp object I could find, but I failed miserably. My fiance was banging on the door telling me to come out and open the door etc. etc. But I wouldn't. I wanted my BFF. I wanted him to come in and rescue me and talk me out of hurting myself. I would listen if he came to the door..But he was too busy getting drunk with his annoying girlfriend outside to even have realized what was going on inside the house with me. Part of me thinks he wouldn't even really be that concerned...

After a late trip to Denny's, I was pretty pissed off. After our friends left, I talked to my fiance about it, and I TRIED to talked to him calmly, but it was IMPOSSIBLE it seemed. I yelled and cried and threw a plate on the floor and smashed it.. Then he went to bed, and so did I...

Sunday was alright :) Went to study with a friend for math at Barnes and Noble. She is so sweet! We studied for awhile, and my fiance picked me up to go to his parents house, which wasn't so bad. We were celebrating Thanksgiving with them and his moms and my bday. We had a good time and we both started feeling sick so we went home early and passed out.

Monday was AMAZING. My fiance and I did not fight and I did yoga while he went to his therapy meeting. Tuesday I actually went in studio to a yoga class (for the first time) and it was AWESOMEEEEEEE. I am going back Saturday!!Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-60780977377466373722010-11-26T10:37:00.000-08:002010-11-26T12:26:07.063-08:00Fights, hockey, best friends, and thanksgivingLet see..I hate to talk about the negative things in my life, but you have to talk about them. I cannot just ignore them and type about all the good things going on in my life. i have to be realistic..

Okay, so Tuesday was a pretty good day at first. At first being the key words right there..Woke up, felt amazing, ate a good breakfast, and felt really good about things. Cleaned the car before class, and the fiance did not even act like I did anything. He was like, oh it looks good. Ugh, why do I hang on what he says so much? Who gives a shit that he only said it looked good. Why does it have to be more than that? Well, all I did was say babe, you know, I wish you would act like I did more than just make something look "good." He then replied with " Are you fucking kidding me." I know I probably should have let it go. I shouldn't have said "why did you only say it looked good, etc." But whenever I tell this boy my feelings he flips out. He didn't have to say are you fucking kidding me. That was uncalled for. Well, I went to school and I did not have time to argue with him. Well then he apologized etc. Well, then I come home at like 530 after being at school for awhile working on the student paper, and when I got home, I started talking to him. I told him how I was feeling so great that morning and hadn't done anything to him and he STILL fought with me, still treated me like shit. How is that fair?? I get treated as if I am disrespecting him, and here I am doing absolutely nothing. It did no good to tell him, because we fought for 4 hours. Yes you read that right, 4 hours! he said it was over, he busted out his phone trying to call his parents and tell them that I hit him (Which I didn't). So I get all worked up, scream, yell, try to get his phone out of his hand, and he of course takes this as I am being violent. I just cannot handle when I just try to tell him my feelings or talk about something, he says its over and tries to leave. It drives me nuts. I asked him why he wanted it to be over when he is the one ausing all this shit, and he is like "Because it is all you. You hurt me, insult me. etc etc etc." Yes, maybe I do that, But I haven't in awhile!! This day was ALL HIM!! HE KEPT SAYING IT WAS ALL ME AND THAT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! Not to add, that he is bipolar. Literally he is, takes meds for it. Its so difficult to be in a relationship with two people who have mental disorders! After fighting for 4 hours, he finally realized that it was all him that night. He apologized, etc. But 4 hours of my life were still wasted. Wasted fighting, and wasted trying to get him to realize what he did wrong. It is so exhausting.

Wednesday was a better day though. Had class and came home, got so stoned and played some call of duty <3 my BFF came over and I cooked for him and my fiance. We went to a hockey game and had a blast. Then we watched south park and I looooved it. I cannot believe i ever thought that show was dumb, I had only seen a few episodes! I love when he comes over. Him and I are so alike. Whenever I bust out a bowl to smoke, he NEVER turns it down. He is always game for anything, to hang out, go somewhere, etc. He is very spontaneous (just like me) and he even thinks he has BPD too. Its really nice to be able to talk to him when my fiance and I fight. It's not like I talk shit to him either. I really tell him the truth about my fiance and I and he offers good advice. I called him after that fight Tuesday night, and he thinks my fiance and I should postpone getting married. I couldn't agree more. We have only picked out a date, but we haven't put money down on anything yet. I know we are not ready to get married I guess I just want us to be...My fiance and I have been talking about it though, and we are postponing it. If in a few months we are ready (After BOTH of us getting help for our issues) then we will go ahead with the wedding at the date we wanted. But if not, then that is when we will tell everybody we are waiting..

Thanksgiving was great! Drove to Ocala Thursday morning, and watched the parade with my grandparents. It was weird though, when I got there. Without my sister being there, it was going to be so different. I cannot remember the last time we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. But, I guess all in all it was okay. We got some lunch, and got high in the car as we were picking up lunch for my grandparents. I am absolutely thrilled that I discovered cannabis. Without it, I couldn't handle most situations. Got back to my grandparents and watched some football, even though the Lions are terrible. Took a walk, got high even more, and took some awesome pictures. Him and I got along great and family came over. Played some pictionary and had a great time. i had a friend from high school come over and it was overall a great night.

I am about to leave for a friends house. She invited us over for dinner and to watch the hockey games. Is it weird that I am extremely excited to go? I do not go to friends houses often so I am really looking forward to going!!Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-25946036923663320122010-11-22T06:55:00.000-08:002010-11-22T20:31:34.167-08:00A few thingsI know its a little early to update, but hell I am doing it anyway.

I have SO much anxiety right now. I have a class today until about 6, we are on deadline for our schools newspaper and we have to get it all done between today and tomorrow. I would just much rather lay around the house naked all day until the hockey game tonight. God I want to do that. But, I have responsibilities....I just don't like going to that class. It's like, I can do all of it from home so why do I have to go in and waste my day? Ugh. But, my BFF is in that class, and we always have fun when we are together. We aren't going to be able to talk much though because we will both be busy doing our pages...

My stomach is acting up today too. I do not feel very well, feel like I am going to throw up at any minute. So that does not help the fact that I will be at class a lot today. I need to feel better.

I have been reading a lot of other BPD blogs lately. I really wish there was some sort of support group here for BPD's. Its not fair. They have bipolar groups, depression groups, but no BPD groups. I need to meet more people with this disorder!

Today Part 2

Wow, I actually had a great day today!! I haven't had one of these in awhile, and I am really happy about it. Even though I woke up not feeling well, I smoked a bowl before going to class, listened to Lady Gaga in the car, and felt better right when I got on campus! Class was cool too. I love Journalism class. Every time I feel like I don't want to go or something I feel so good when I get there. I edited a few stories, most of which were pretty rough. I hate to pass judgment on new writers, as I have been there but they do not know AP style, and haven't had an English class yet! But, me and my BFF were there and it made things better. He truly is a great person. I have not known him for long, but we really connect. After class, I came home and glanced at some BPD websites. I found a really good chat and forum, Psych Central. I got my five posts and I get to go in the chat room now. I talked with a girl who has BPD and posted some on the forum. That took up most of my afternoon and then my fiane got off of work, we played some video games and went to a hockey game! The lightning won 3-1 and we really got along. I am looking forward to tomorrow because I am either going to yoga tomorrow night or a zen buddhist meditation!

Saw this on a friends blog...

Think Good Thoughts Today! And do not forge that each thought you have, each second that elapses, each breath you take, COUNTS!!! So take advantage, after all, we may only have today.
:)Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-8660895870509948192010-11-21T13:51:00.000-08:002010-11-21T14:08:10.007-08:00Time for a change, for real this time.Wednesday and Thursday of last week were pretty bad for me. I really went ape shit to say the least. I broke things, tried to hit my fiance, and just went nuts. Him and I fought a ton and I just could not handle it when he ignores me. I flew off the handle and could NOT control myself. This is probably because I was taking my meds sporadically. But, I have been taking my meds more regularly though. I have felt better since Thursday, I just have to keep taking them. God, I get mad at my fiance for forgetting Shis meds and causing his moods to be all over the place, and here I am doing it...

We went to a couples counselor Thursday. She was alright, I guess I will give her a chance even though she called me "eccentric." But, I did tell her I have BPD and she didn't get all weird about it. She actually knows about BPD so that made things a little better. She respected us and I felt like I could tell her the honest truths about our relationship. We told her about the violence and all the disrespect. We didn't sugarcoat anything.

On another note..I have a lot of catching up to do this week. I skipped class Wednesday through Friday, due to our fighting. `At least we only have school until Wednesday because of Thanksgiving. I don't think I could handle a full week of school right now.

I am ready for a life change. I am sick of being negative and letting my disorder control my life. I am sick of not having an active social life. Yeah I might have friends, but I want to be more active in my social life. Maybe not meeting more people necessarily, but doing more than just holing myself up in the house. That could be another reason I am so miserable. I don't want to start too big, by having a bunch of stuff to do everyday. But at least once per day I have to do SOMETHING. I am going to start out with yoga everyday at least one a day and reading at least once a day. That is my goal this week. To do yoga and read everyday once per day at least :) When I succeed with that, then I will add more. Also, I am going to start doing a better job of judging people. For instance..thinking they are ugly, or weird, or dumb etc. I need to do something to better myself at least once a day too and this week I am working on not being so judgmental.Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-42450362719920301712010-11-16T12:30:00.001-08:002010-11-16T12:41:23.646-08:00LaaaaaaHaven't been on here in almost a month, that has GOT to change. This blog is very theraputic for me, and I need to post more often!

Its only Tuesday and I am waiting for Friday! I have had a bad last few days, angerwise. I have been off my meds for 4 days because I am lazy and did not get them filled on time before I ran out! That probably doesn't help my state either. I depend on that medicine, especially for sleep. When I don't get enough sleep I am miserable. But these last few days, my sleep has not been that bad. It isn't like I am irritable either. Its like I am pissed off at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and do not want anyone around me or want to be around anyone either. I kinda wish my fiance was out of town or something and I had this house to myself to BLAST music during the day (cant because he works from home and is always on the phone), or watch a movie of MY choice. (Actually you know what, I am doing that STAT.) I just never get the house to myself. He is ALWAYS here, and it is really straining our relationship. I NEED independence from him. I love when I take vacations and he doesnt come. Its not like I hate him or want nothing to do with him, but I need to grow as an individual, but I don't know how to do that when I am engaged. Everything is shared with him. Even when we go out to dinner, the waiter or watress lets him taste the first glass of our bottle of wine, and never ask me if I like it or not, which I didnt, I hated it.

I did have an amazing weekend with him though. We went to Saint Augustine, shopped, went on a date to an Italian restaurant, went on a ghost tour, and we brought one of our doggies. It was really fun and I really wish we couldve stayed longer, but we had to get back to the Monday-Friday grind.

I need to get out of this anger funk right now though. I did some damage to a door last night because I was being ignored..so now we have to buy another door. I just cannot imagine what our landlord would say if he knew that we had to replace some things in this house.

Well, I am taking my meds regularly again, hopefully I will get them filled in time next time I need to go to CVS. After a few bowls, I feel better. Whenever I am high I feel better, confident, and overall GOOD. It's a shame that its illegal and frowned upon so much. People need to stop being so close minded and realize the benefits of it.

We need help. We need couples counseling, I need to go to individual therapy and so does he.Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-80399714794050378332010-10-26T08:12:00.000-07:002010-10-26T08:19:30.582-07:00Catching up a bitWow, it has been awhile since I have blogged on here. I am going to start keeping it up though..I have 23 followers! Yay!

Life is going pretty good for me lately. I got a new job covering high school sports in the local paper here. This is exactly what I want to do with my life, is to cover sports. When I am on the sidelines, I feel powerful, I feel happy, and most of all, I feel peace. A peace I have never felt before. I have a peace tattoo, I have many peace sign posters in my house, but this is the first time I have actually felt peace myself.

I went to a Journalism conference last week for our schools newspaper. I had an absolute blast. This was the only vacation (besides my Michigan vacay) that I felt good about things and did not worry too much about my fiance and being paranoid etc. I genuinely had a great time. I did my own thing there, and It felt good to be independent from my relationship with my fiance. I felt like an individual, and I am slowly learning how to accept myself and be happy with who I am. I am getting there, more quickly than I thought :)

Today, I have school until two. It is a creative writing class. I love it. Every time before I go, I smoke a lot and it makes me so creative.

That's another thing. Marijuana has made my life so much better. I know there will be critics, who think I am a pothead. But, I really could care less what those people think. Marijuana is the best herb and medicine out there, hands down. It creates such a peaceful feeling for you, and no one should look at that in a bad way!Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-43566566345407487662010-09-01T20:08:00.000-07:002010-09-01T20:21:21.234-07:00blahIm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
Im drownin so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Aint changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss

-EminemCarriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-10968271226378610312010-08-04T18:16:00.001-07:002010-08-04T18:50:37.742-07:00Sleepy head no more.Its hard to get out of bed when you have 600 mg of Seroquel in you. I stupidly (on accident) took two Seroquel last night, when I only should be taking one. I guess I can blame it on my pot smoking. If I had been sober, the chances of me doing that are slim to none. Because of my little "mishap" I was in bed until 3 pm this afternoon. All morning I tried to force myself out of bed, but the drowsy feeling was too much to overcome, that every time I attempted to get up, I literally fell back in the bed and passed out again. Even though I would love to lay in my comfy king sized bed, with freshly washed sheets all day, and avoid the world I am so afraid of, I know this has to change. I am a young 23 year old woman, and I have to start acting that way.

Here I am, on my summer break from school, spending my days lazily laying around my house, playing video games, spending a lot of my day on Facebook just screwing around, and cleaning up around the house. Occasionally, I'll open up my book in a word document and stare at a page I have been stuck on the last few days. However, all in all, I have A. not been doing things I really enjoy for myself, and B. I haven't been very productive. I must change this "rut" I am in. My anxiety has really contributed to the way I have been spending my days.

For instance, I will put on my computer calendar "yoga every a.m." Okay, yoga is supposed to be fun right? It's not a chore, it's a hobby. Well, I treat it like some dreadful chore I have been trying to get out of. I know its my anxiety getting to me. Why would I be anxious to do yoga? I have no clue! I think it's the shear idea of doing something besides laying around all day that scares me. Change in routine or schedule freaks me out. Even if its something that is supposed to be enjoyable, like yoga.

However, tomorrow, I plan on having a relaxing and productive day, and conquering a.m. yoga. I plan on waking up at nine, doing yoga, then going to a coffee shop or library to write some in the book I am writing, and clean out our car (since there is a ton of sand in it from our beach trips). I just need to keep telling myself "Patti, getting out of the house is not scary or daunting. It's exciting, and far from boring."Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-86085665350653041802010-08-02T07:35:00.001-07:002010-08-02T09:31:17.949-07:00ChangedAs I walked into this unfamiliar, indie, hippy-ish coffee shop on Saturday night, I felt this overwhelming feeling of what I like to call "weirdness." I could not stop staring at the people in there, I could not stop feeling like I did not belong there, and as this girl approached me, I felt like saying.."Okay, I am not a freak or weirdo who plays dungeons and dragons so get me out of this place.." That was the part of me that likes to stereo-type and judge. I know, we all do it, but I think I tend to do it a little more than the average person. Every time I do something "new" or there are new and different people around me.." I get like this. I know I need to stop this immature attitude of thinking I am better than people, or I won't find any friends or people I want to hang around that will be worth my time. I will find people with the same attitude as me..cliche closed minded attitude towards life, and that is not what I want to be around. The, "I only shop at the mall and have never stepped foot into a thrift store.." type of person is not my idea of a good friend, rather than just a person with a stick up their ass..I do not want to be that "stick up their ass" person. I have grown as a person, but I need to do some more growing..UP that is, and stop being so judgmental.

I do hope I meet more new friends soon. I love my best friend dearly..but I never see her..(for various reasons that do not need to be brought up..), but I need a friend around who I can see frequently. Someone who would want to paint with me and someone I can have girl talk with. I really would love that.Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-66294236565624997122010-07-31T19:36:00.000-07:002010-08-03T11:20:38.731-07:00Im not a girl, not yet a womanSmoke flows out of my mouth as I try my best to cultivate some sort of poem. I haven't written in months, and my brain seems stuck, stuck in the rut I created for myself. Stuck in a creative coma, when no good ideas are seeming to come to me or words just don't seem to fit together no matter how hard I try. I flip through my red leather poem book (which I haven't touched in MONTHS) and I re-read the poems I wrote last year. I had a way with words when I used to write..or maybe I was feeling such intense emotions that no matter how i wrote, my words conveyed intense, deep emotions to whoever read my poems. I wanted to write some poetry tonight, but I cannot think of anything to write.. I think I will just read some of my older stuff.

 When I re-read my poetry from awhile back, I see how much i have grown as a girl into a woman (someday!).

I used to be the type of person who would just "blend in" or conform to what everyone else did. I of course still had an opinion ( I have always had one of those..), but I never really let my opinion or thoughts on anything be heard. I dressed fashionably, but never took risks with my look, caring and worrying too much about what anyone else would think. I also didn't care too much for myself and I was too comfortable with how i was living my life (and never really worried too much about what I did wrong to people). I have changed immensely. I am not yet the exact type of person I want to end up being, but I am getting there. I am taking more risks, and as each day goes by, I try to care less and less what others think of me. I am dressing the EXACT way I want, and not letting others' opinions affect my judgment. I got a tattoo, a haircut, and my nose pierced. Ever since then, I have felt more like a woman and I am really starting to love myself more and more everyday.

I wish I was fully recovered from all of my disorders and conditions, but I am not. I am not even close. I have at least begun the journey to recovery. A couple of months ago, when I would get into a fit of rage, call someone a name, or "act out" on my love addiction, I just spewed excuse after excuse that "I have problems..or "I cannot help it." But you know.. I can help it. I have a different option. I can choose to be different, or I can choose to give into my problems. I choose to be different and I choose to change. Change freaks me the hell out me, but its necessary in living this new life I am trying to live. Recovery is possible.

Today, I am on the journey to recovery. The road will be a long one, but I am here for the ride.Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-67043059144061853502010-05-10T15:02:00.000-07:002010-05-10T15:03:27.785-07:00A few things..Not in the mood to blog TOO much today, but I will say a few things..

I am on 10 days sober from love addiction.
I am learning about Buddhism.
I am learning to love myself.Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-42721344803149699222010-05-06T19:16:00.001-07:002010-05-06T19:25:05.903-07:00Some things.Okay, so ALOT has been going on in my life. Some bad, some good.. so here they are.

First: Me and my fiancee are doing very very well. Even though he found my cell phone with all these texts messages form other men, he did not freak out. He finally understands that I am addicted to love, and he felt my pain of the addiction. He was upset, but he never yelled at me or insulted me for my addiction.

Second: I am telling all of these men off, it makes me feel good about myself. I am a person, and I am NOT a piece of meat. I am a woman who deserved respect. I am going to start living my life this way.

Third: I have been very very productive and have been getting my TO DOs done each day, and it feels good to actually get things done.

Fourth: I havent been to an S.L.A.A. meeting in awhile, but I went to a Love Addiction meeting last night. It was amazing. I now am realizing I do not have a sex addiction. I have a love addiction, and it really hit home with me last night. I found out I am slightly codependent and narcissistic. The 2 paragraph explanation on the love addicts paper really hit home with me.

Five: Realizing love addiction comes from a dysfunction household growing up, I realized first, that A. I HATE my father. He abandoned me all of the time growing up and I am beginning to hate his guts even more. and B. I have some resentment towards my mother also. She really showed that she loved my sister more growing up. I was always blamed for everything growing up, and always punished, and always accused, and it still hurts to think about it. My step dad hates me too, he treats me like shit and has always done so. So yeah, to say the least, I am dealing with a lot of new things that I have never dealt with before.Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-13001699445783049802010-04-30T22:22:00.000-07:002010-05-06T19:15:40.955-07:00FEELING goodToday, I feel good. I am learning, this is my new life, and I am going to Run with it.

I have not felt GOOD in quite sometime. I have been anxious (because some days, I don't take my meds because they knock me out for 10 hours, I get sick in the morning for some reason, and all of these piled into one body do not do good for business. So, I have been sick, anxious, and sleeping all day. All I am doing is trying to do the right thing by taking my medications my Doctor prescribed to me.

Now, even though i took my meds last night and slept until 3pm today, I still felt GOOD. My fiancee was onsite and I didnt even start a fight with him about my being jealous over other women. He brought home Little Caesar's, and we watched some new Grey's Anatomy. It was really nice. Then, we watched the hockey game and went to the Drive in to see the new Freddy movie. I felt so great about myself today. I think it is because i am starting to speak my mind more again. This man, Frank, who keeps calling and texting me, the one I fooled around with while being engaged (my fiancee already knows) keeps calling me and wanting to meet up with me. Well, the other day I agreed to meeting up with him, and he had to cancel at the last minute because he had to work late. This was a call from God. God really gave me a second chance. I wouldve cheated on my fiancee! My wonderful, caring fiancee. God gave me another chance! THis usually never happens to people, and I got a second chance from above. Well, I told this man off, said he uses me for sex. He of course denied it. He would NOT answer my questions and was totally avoiding it. He said he has "problems" too and yada yada.
But, I still told him off and we are never going to speak again I told him.

It felt good to put my foot down and I told off another friend today. I am not just being a bitch, but I will take care of my mind, body, and soul. Anyone who is ruining that WILL be told off! I am learning to have respect for myself.

I am one day sober:)Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-1599642131502694572010-04-20T19:24:00.000-07:002010-04-20T19:33:14.507-07:00Happy 420Wow, my life has really changed the last few days. I quit my teacher assisting job that I got. I know, bad me right? I worked so hard to get that damn job, took so many tests, and was truly proud of myself for getting that job. But, my anxiety has gotten worse, and the job wasn't making me happy anymore. I know, I know, I only worked there for a month. But, it really wasn't making me happy. I should have given them my two weeks notice, but i really never have done that, and I just had way too much anxiety to call them. I was so depressed after I made this decision, but I knew it was for the best. I was making 7.50 an hour, it was crap. Some lof the teachers were catty, and mean with the kids. Another reason I quit, my fiancees boss is looking for another employee to do sales and such! So, my fiancée mentioned my name and he is awaiting my resume. I would be making a lot more money than any other job I would get. I would also be working from home!! Now, wordier comes to worse, if I don't get tired, i will just be working for my fiancee! I would be like a personal assistant/organizer! My first day is tomorrow! I already have my own room in the house for crafts and writing and such, but I can make it my office, this job will be good for me, seeing as I have anxiety and all. So, that's all I have for now.

Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-10684475183189533362010-04-13T21:20:00.000-07:002010-04-17T16:52:02.836-07:00Update!!Wow, I haven't blogged in awhile.lots has been going on in my IDE. Let's start with the sex and love addiction side ar things. I know i am a love addict, not a sex addict. I was a month sober and guess what?? I sext this guy I used to be involved with, then tegge fucking called me!! He had blocked my number for almost two months now and he calls me out of nowhere. You know how much of a rush that was for me?? I was so High, and I texted him. Then he texted me back. Eventually, he called me again! He said he would pick me up from the airport, and i said yes. I threw away my entire month of sobriety for his ass. ( this was when i was at my sisters in Virginia. Then, her and i went out and i got wasted and gave some navy guy my phone number. Can you believe how fucked up that is. This guy was nasty and gross, I did it purely for thie attention. Then, the next day my brother in law told the guy to lose my number and that i was engaged. That worked, he never txtd me. While i was at my sisters, me and my fiancee barely fought. He still worked and billed and such. We had a few titfs and that was it. I was feeling really guilty the whole time i was at my sisters because I had talked to tegge. So, I reset my sobriety date, and I even told jeff about this. He suggested I go to more meetings, and said tegge might be married. I was so angry @ the thought of thinking he might be married, so that started to make me depressed. This other guy I sext, frank, keeps texting me saying he wants to meet up and screw. Then, he texts me and says he likes me so much and misses me. I of course fell for his bullshit, and I text him back. I felt so played and so stupid. So, after a few days of being back in Florida, I was NASTY to my fiancee because I was going through withdrawal. Atleast I now know what causes me to be so nasty when I am not acting out. The next step is to prevent those withdrawal feelings. Last week frank said he wanted to get a hotel with me, and I played along with it, but then I backed out of it and told him the truth about my love addiction. He thinks I am single and not with my fiancee, so, eventually I need to come clean about that too, I just dont know when the time will be right to do that. I have tried to stop myself from acting out, but I have to realize I am powerless over love and sex. Since I still have that mentality, that shows me I am not even CLOSE to where I need to be right now. Even though I came clean about my addIction, that doesnt mean I am doing everything I can do either, but I gotta start somewhere dont I? My sobriety date is now April 16th.. Sucks, but I have to look forward. I am making the decision that I must be sexually sober (mentally, physically, emotionally) before I start having sex with my fiancee again. I have to tell him this tonight, and itll last 28 days. I just hope he shares my same goals.Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-44740070321534452452010-03-02T07:41:00.000-08:002010-03-02T07:46:13.937-08:00New meds..life.I am currently at school, bored out of my mind waiting for Biology to start. God I hate that class. It is insanely boring, and I really like science. It is jsut the teacher, he really doesnt know how to teach at all.

I just got done taking my Psychology test. It wasnt so bad, seeing that I have missed like 3 classes, I still knew most of the material. Hopefully I get an A on it!

Tonight we are just going to a hockey game. We havent gone in a few weeks because of the Olympics, but play resumes and hopefully they win..

My BPD has pretty much been under control since I went on Seroquel. A situation happened the other day where normally I would want to be violent, but I did not even feel rage or anger at all! I felt totally calm, and I am grateful for that! These meds really really are working!!

I am six days sober from sex and love addiction :)Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-13129057339885488562010-03-01T08:40:00.000-08:002010-03-01T12:43:57.105-08:00Relapse..I am now almost a week sober. YES, I was 3 weeks sober, but I "slipped." I sexted one of my friends, and that is one of my bottom lines. For those of you not familiar with sex addiction or love addiction, my bottom lines are things I WILL NOT and CANNOT do. For instance, one of my bottom lines is to not "Sext" other men. Since I did not follow that rule the other day, my sobriety date must start over :(. Just like if I was an alcoholic and took a drink, I am 5 days sober right now, so hopefully I can get to a week again. That is my first goal.

I have had such an urge to text Michael. He is someone I was involved with a few months ago. We never had sex, but we kissed and I felt like I "loved" him. But, it was just my addict acting out. Michael blocked my number bc I cannot call him or send texts to him. I even wanted to call him from a different phone line, but that would just be ridiculous. I guess it is a good thing that he blocked my number, because if he didnt, I would have had to reset my sobriety date yet again.

This whole addiction thing is pretty difficult to deal with, but I actually have been praying lately. When I am down, or stressed, I pray for clarity and strength to get through some tough times in the day. We went to church yesterday. I havent been to church in months, and its funny how we actually decided to go. Me and my fiancee have been talking about finding a church, but one we feel comfortable with. We were kind of just exercising the idea at first. Then, on Friday we wanted to take the dogs for a walk and go rollerblading at this park we came across a few months ago. But, when we got there, the park was closed and we found an empty parking lot to park at and just walk the doggies around an apartment complex. This was not just any parking lot though!! It was a huge church parking lot. After we peeked inside, we went home and looked it up online. It was non denominational, you can wear jeans, and they have tons of things for college-aged people! I really dont think this is just a coincidence either. I really think God put us in that spot at that very time. We decided we were going to go there on Sunday, and we did! It was actually very nice and we are going to go back again.

School is going well, I got an A on my math test again! I am very pleased with myself with my grades. Biology is another story..we havent had any grades in that class yet, and the mid term is Thursday. But, we can drop the midterm and place it with something else, which is probably what I am going to have to do!

My fiancee and I are good. We havent been fighting as much, but when we do, I havent felt like punching him. I am now on Seroquel and Celexa. I got these new meds from my Doctor last week, and they seem to be working. Seroquel really knocks me out though, hopefully it gets in my system soon and I get used to it quickly!Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-77399650925153128982010-02-17T06:19:00.000-08:002010-02-17T06:54:49.240-08:00This rollercoaster of UPS and DOWNSAs I sit and write this blog post today, my heart is beating, my mind is clear, and I feel ALIVE! The only thoughts running through my mind today are good thoughts. Boy, I wish everyday was like this! This feeling is invigorating! I had some vivid dreams last night..one of those included me working at an old workplace, but it was present day. I know dreams are totally random, but I kind of took that as a "sign." So, when I woke up, I was in this great, motivated mood. I went to my computer, sent an email to my old job, and asked if they had any openings! I really screwed up that job.. I was on like a 1 week hiatus, and they still took me back. I was late, along with falling asleep on the job.. But, I have a new attitude on life. I am going to acknowledge what I did, but not let it ruminate in my mind. The past is the past, and I cannot let that rule my life anymore. Easier said that done huh? I am trying, and trying my best, that's what counts right? I also am applying to other positions too. I just need something to occupy me ya know? I know I have had so many jobs in the past 5 years, but I am ready to take a step and work, even if its just part time. Part time is really all I can do especially because I am in school.

On the sex addiction front, I have had these vivid dreams of me having sex with men I have either been involved with, people I have NEVER seen before, or even actors! I know this is all part of withdrawal, and something is just TRYING to tempt me, but damnit, I am not going to give into that $#%^. Also, I have had dreams of me texting certain people, and have woken up and I thought I actually slipped! But, I havent, I am sober 17 days now, thank god.

Last night, I was really angry and hating the whole withdrawal shit, but I told my fiancee I wasnt in a good mood, I didnt throw anything or say anything I would regret later. I just said I wasnt in the mood to talk. See, it makes it really difficult having anger problems associated with BPD, and then anger problems because of my withdrawal from sex and love addiction, it makes it that much harder to succeed, but that much sweeter when I do.

Thank you everyone for the comments! It helps to know that I am not alone.Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-81356874941610418702010-02-15T08:16:00.001-08:002010-02-15T09:40:00.774-08:00Two weeks and one day!That's right, I am 15 days sober as of today. I am feeling great about myself. I really think I can conquer this addiction, not by myself of course, but with the help of a higher power and others in S.L.A.A, I can do it. I still have yet to find a sponsor..I just fear that someone will say they aren't ready to be a sponsor, and I will probably take it personal, like I always do.. But I have to try and not do that! It isnt all about me!

I have stopped going to the co-ed Sunday meetings, I just like the all women friday meetings much much better. I can relate to them more, and some people in the Sunday meeting freaked me out..

Now, for the BPD..I am doing "better" but I did have a FREAK out yesterday. My fiancee said he didnt like the way I was talking to him, so he decided to demand that I say something exactly the way he wanted me to say it. So, I in turn flipped out, and broke a curtain rod along with other things. I do have to try harder with my anger, but at the same time, I cannot just sit there and continuously be pushed, or this is what happens. Next time, i think I will just walk away instead of keeping the fight going. However, it is not worth the pain and strife of breaking things! I would much rather just walk away and come back at a later time. This is just so difficult for me to do! I need to try better, try harder, think of the pros and cons! I can really do this!Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-8942976661871538992010-02-12T06:56:00.000-08:002010-02-12T07:08:50.335-08:00Feeling better todayIt is early in the day, but I can already tell it is going better than yesterday already. I feel better, my mind is clearer, and I just have a better outlook on life as it is today.

As of today, I am 12 days sober! I am very proud of myself. I have stuck to my "bottom lines." I have texted Ea when I feel like acting out, and I just feel better about myself. Today is the all woman's S.L.A.A. meeting, and I want to try and find a sponsor today! I need one desperately. I cannot rely on my friends to help me through this addiction. I need someone who has been sober for a good period of time, and can relate to this addiction themselves.

I used to be, not necessarily weirded out by this addiction, but clueless about it, and I felt ashamed to be addicted to love and sex. However, now I am just embracing it. This is a part of me, and there is nothing wrong with this disease! I am trying to stay sober, and I am just embracing this part of myself :)Carriehttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-3654203314502125644.post-40983851362176083922010-02-11T12:26:00.001-08:002010-02-11T12:42:44.987-08:00Withdrawal sucksMy anger has increased a lot today, and I JUST realized today that is has EVERYTHING to do with my sex and love addiction. I found this online chat, its for sex and love addicts. Its nice, because when there are not any face to face meetings really late at night, or in the morning or something, I have this chat to talk on and to get some advice. Well, I have been really angry, depressed, and have had no motivation to do anything at all recently. I have missed two days of classes and just haven't felt like myself at all. I then hopped on to the chat, and the people in there told me I am probably just going through withdrawal. It feels much better to know there is a reason why I am being a bitch and being so sad lately.

I have an urge to text one of my Q's..(qualifiers). I know there is no point in texting him, its just going to make me feel empty and alone, and get me into trouble down the line, and it is not worth it.

11 days sober!Carriehttp://firstname.lastname@example.com


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St Patrick's Day: Green Fashion to Inspire
Don't fancy leaping about in head-to-toe Leprechaun green tomorrow for St Paddy's Day?!
Me neither. But I do like to wear at least one item of green, to be sure to be sure.
Here are some shamrock-hued pieces to wear as you sip your Guinness tomorrow.
Wishing you all the luck of the Irish!
Kate xx
(or "Kaye" as my Irish Grandmother preferred to call me!)
feature image credit: My Life as Pearl/ Tommy Ton
* check out our previous post on How To Wear Emerald!
No comments yet


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Wood Liquor Cabinet
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woodblock (def )
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knock on wood, (used when knocking on something wooden to assure continued good luck):The car's still in good shape, knock on wood
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out of the woods, out of a dangerous, perplexing, or difficult situation; secure; safe
no longer in precarious health or critical condition; out of danger and recovering
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a distilled or spirituous beverage, as brandy or whiskey, as distinguished from a fermented beverage, as wine or beer
any liquid substance, as broth from cooked meats or vegetables
solution (def )
a solution of a substance, especially a concentrated one used in the industrial arts
As verb (used with object)
to furnish or ply with liquor to drink (often followed by up)
As verb (used without object)
to drink large quantities of liquor (often followed by up)
As noun
a piece of furniture with shelves, drawers, etc
, for holding or displaying items:a curio cabinet; a file cabinet
a wall cupboard used for storage, as of kitchen utensils or toilet articles:a kitchen cabinet; a medicine cabinet
a piece of furniture containing a radio or television set, usually standing on the floor and often having a record player or a place for phonograph records
(often initial capital letter) a council advising a president, sovereign, etc
, especially the group of ministers or executives responsible for the government of a nation
(often initial capital letter) (in the U
) an advisory body to the president, consisting of the heads of the executive departments of the federal government
a small case with compartments for valuables or other small objects
a small chamber or booth for special use, especially a shower stall
a private room
a room set aside for the exhibition of small works of art or objets d'art
Also called cabinet wine
a dry white wine produced in Germany from fully matured grapes without the addition of extra sugar
New England (chiefly Rhode Island and Southern Massachusetts)
a milk shake made with ice cream
a small room
a small cabin
As adjective
pertaining to a political cabinet:a cabinet meeting
private; confidential; secret
pertaining to a private room
of suitable value, beauty, or size for a private room, small display case, etc
:a cabinet edition of Milton
of, relating to, or used by a cabinetmaker or in cabinetmaking
designating a method of projection (cabinet projection) in which a three-dimensional object is represented by a drawing (cabinet drawing) having all vertical and horizontal lines drawn to exact scale, with oblique lines reduced to about half scale so as to offset the appearance of distortion
Compare axonometric, isometric (def ), oblique (def )
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text:
- AshokAsked on March 05, 2013 at 11:04 AM
I have an elearning tool, and I want users to report issues on certain pages and each page has a lesson or a question. I would like to include the lesson id or the question id along with the issue submission. Is that something I can do? I plan on using javascript to set these values. If there is another alternate way, I could explore that as well.
- sidharth_kchAnswered on March 05, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Hi Ashok,
Let us know your specific requirment with examples and we will be happy to help you.


text:
The two first performances have been fantastic. This has been such a relatively easy ride - I honestly don't think I have shouted very much at all ( you may need to verify that with my lovely cast of course ). There have been no real hitches or issues and everyone is giving their all. I am so very proud of them. Last night's audience laughed in all the right places and gave real encouragement to the cast. We feed so much on an audience reaction, so if they are very dead it can be a miserable experience !
The guys singing the trio in Act 2 always raise audience guffaws and along with the ridiculousness of the whole libretto it is a great night out !
The costumes are gorgeous, the show looks quite remarkable, and the ladies sari's are exquisite and jewel bright, and as was remarked to me last night, the girls immediately walk with serene elegance, and it is true, they seem to change their physical air when the flowing silk is wrapped around them !
I have packed my case now, the Icelandic Krone are waiting for me at the post office and the ship is on its way to Dundee as I write. On its way specifically for me you understand ! Having said that I am so looking forward to the next two shows - standing in the wings and watching is such a pleasure.
Many congratulations to everyone. Set builders and painters, magnificent costume ladies, terrific trio of props ladies and my wonderful, hard working and ultra talented cast.
Some pictures of the dress rehearsal plus a pre rehearsal group !


text:
There's a smidgen of a smidgen of colour round the oak
Like a little misty halo, like a shifting orange smoke.
There's a whisper of a whisper of flowers on the ash
Like tiny threads of cotton, like a greeny-yellow rash.
And for sure, there on the chestnut, there's a swelling sticky bud
(Though the fields around are soaking and the cows knee deep in mud.)
And the primroses are blooming, and it's fast becoming clear
There's a rumour of a rumour that spring is really here.


text:
While I like to focus on the games portion of the gaming industry, there's always a story that comes along that's just cool to see. Especially when it involves our friends of the four-legged variety.
Apparently, Supergiant Games, creators of the hit games Bastion and Transistor, decided to help out their local animal shelter, Family Dog Rescue, located in San Francisco. They did this by helping out the rescue with a nice donation. As you can see in the tweet below, Nutella appreciates all the support, as not only is he wearing an awesome bandanna, but he's also got some snacks to munch on as well.
Thanks to an awesome donation from @SupergiantGames, Nutella is living her best life in an awesome bandana & munching on some chewies! TY! pic.twitter.com/VrQP2h7cpr
— Family Dog Rescue (@ilovefamilydog) January 19, 2017
The donation was made via sales of the aforementioned Bastion Bandanna, which is still available on SuperGiant games website. You may think this is a random item to offer, but quite the contrary: the Kid in the game wore an iconic red bandanna across his mouth. Anyway, the store's description reads: "You don't have to be the Kid to rock this 21″ by 21″ cotton screen, featuring the Star of Caelondia emblazoned across the center." In addition, it includes some words of the Caelondian script among the edges of the bandanna, which roughly translate into "Bastion Team". In other words, it's not just a logo thrown onto a sheet of cotton, there's some thought in the design and relates to the game. And of course, the iconic Squirts are thrown in there as well, probably the most iconic basic enemy of the game.
We raised close to $1,000 for this local San Francisco dog shelter thanks to your Bastion bandanna purchases over the holidays! Thank you!! https://t.co/Y41G5AUrHc
— Supergiant Games (@SupergiantGames) January 19, 2017
It seems the item was originally going to be a limited-run giveaway, but they decided to offer it after many people asked for it. And while it's clear that they may not have the greatest of supplies for the store (as a good amount of other items are sold out), it's cool to see that they are giving back to the community.
Quick Take
I ordered one for myself. I'm weak. It's dogs and video games. How could I say no?


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Bodyworks by Melody
744 Centre St, Burns Lake, BC
- Personal Care
- Health
- Perfect solution to get rid of aches and pains
- Offering deep tissue and relaxation massage
- Massages tailored to your individual wants and needs
Meet Melody Saul
Melody Saul has over 25 years of experience in the field of bodywork. It started in 1989 with a YMCA certification in group fitness. Melody took a break from teaching fitness classes to start her family, but re-certified in 2002 through the British Columbia Recreation and Parks Association. She also does Personal Training, and has done small group sessions by request. Melody has taught a multitude of fitness styles, starting with Aerobics, Step Aerobics, Resistance Training using weights, bands, Bender Balls, Glider Discs, and stationary equipment, as well as High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). She has done indoor classes, and outdoor Boot Camp style classes.
The Fall of 2002 was the start of her foray into Massage. With Melody's background in Fitness and Body Mechanics, it was a natural fit. Melody has since done contract work for ICBC under an Occupational Therapist as a Rehabilitation Assistant. She has also worked as a Rehab Assistant for Total Physio under the direction of Physiotherapists Mike McAlonan and Jared Lalik.
Rest. Relax. Rejuvenate.
Treatments at Bodyworks by Melody are designed to not only relax and rejuvenate, but they are often associated with numerous health and wellness benefits too. Every client will receive a massage tailored to their individual wants and needs. Appropriate pressure and massage techniques are applied and are different for each client. Melody has worked hard to create a calm, peaceful, relaxing atmosphere. When you walk into the spa your sense of smell awakens to the essential oils used to set the mood for relaxation. Come early to start your relaxation process by lounging in a comfy chair and listening to soothing music. Once in the treatment room the warmth of the decor, gentle colours and aromatic scents, further enhance your rest from the busyness of life.
Contact + Hours
- Monday to Thursday:
- *Please note: We are located in the Medical Clinic Building in the basement. (entrance on the right side of the building)
- 744 Centre St
- Burns Lake, BC
- V0J 1E0, Canada
Request a Change to this Business
If you see information that is out-of-date or incorrect, we'd love to know about it. Please let us know who you are and then describe any changes that need to be made. Thanks!


text:
Stars Get Through First Night of Performances on 'Dancing with the Stars'
It's baaack! You hear that familiar music and you just know it's time to dance! Its season 16 of "Dancing with the Stars"! Tom and Brooke were back and they looked fabulous!
Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough were up first to kick off the season with their Cha Cha Cha. They wasted no time getting in to the dance and they both looked fabulous. She's very bendy! It was a little teeny bit slow but let's remember this is just week one. It's a really great start and I think that Kellie is going to go far in this competition. Len said "Yum, yum, big thumb" and thought it was great! Bruno said "That's the way we do it!" and he noticed her fabulous shapes. He added that she could use a little more work in the legs. Carrie Ann said it was fantastic and said she had incredible torso movement but said she should work a little on keeping up with Derek.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 7, and Bruno – 7, for a total of 21 out of 30. I would give it an 8! But then again, it is just the first week.
Next, boxer Victor Ortiz and new pro Lindsay Arnold danced the Fox Trot. He came out with a handsome smile and looked pretty elegant! He can work on his "flow" a little bit and making sure it's not choppy but for a first dance a I thought he did really well. Bruno said he had a great combination of boyish charm and Latino lover. Carrie Ann said that his posture was great and said that he sparkled out there. Len said he has a lot going for him but he was looking for a few more "wow" moments and said that next week with his Jive he could really knock their socks off. Also side note: Lindsay is just 19 years old!
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 6, and Bruno – 6, for a total of 18 out of 30.
For the first time ever, dancing Contemporary dance style is Ingo Rademacher and partner Kym Johnson! It's cool to see a new style added into the mix. Rademacher is known for playing "Jax" on "General Hospital". Right off the bat, we have a lift! How exciting another style that we will get to see lifts with! There was a lot of passion in their movements. He has a commanding presence and did an amazing job lifting Kym. It was a great performance. I wonder what the judges noticed that I didn't, I'm sure there is something! Carrie Ann said that she saw the lifts and raw passion that the dance requires and thought he did a great job. Len said that he's not convinced by the performance because it was all lifts and he saw very little dance. Bruno said it was good and it was like watching Bradley Cooper in "Silver Linings Playbook" and thought that the lunges and lifts were both good.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 6, Bruno – 7, for a total of 20 out of 30. Len was too harsh!
Lisa Vanderpump one of the "Real Housewives" and Gleb Savchenko, a new pro, were paired up to dance the Fox Trot. She carried the cutest little dog ever out and then they did a slow yet elegant dance. He is very easy on the eyes. I like this addition to the show! Lisa was a little clunky at times but I think she will get better with time. She needs to work on really extending through the movements. At the end of the dance she gave him a little peck, it was cute. Len said it was acceptable but there was too much staggering about but said she had good fluidity in her arms. He wants her to lift up her rib cage more. Bruno said that they are a good pairing, but then said that she leaned forward too much because her posture was not great. Carrie Ann said that the dance suited her and it was easy on the eyes but that she needs to get her feet under her and hold her own.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 6, and Bruno – 6, for a total of 18 out of 30.
D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke followed with their Cha Cha Cha. They turned up the heat with their Cha Cha! The footwork was VERY simple. I expected a little more from him! He has a lot of potential but he's really got to work at it. He was right on the beat and matched her step for step. Bruno said that he terminated the Cha Cha Cha. He said that he thought the timing was off and he seemed under-rehearsed. Carrie Ann said it was, "yikes". Len said that it was not ready and that he's got to get it all together and work his butt off for his Quick Step next week.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 4, Len – 4, and Bruno – 4, for a total of 12 out of 20. Yikes! I expected 5's!
Zendaya and Val danced Contemporary and they got out there and danced their butts off! She jumped off the judges table and spun while she did it…it was crazy amazing! I expected great things from her and she did not disappoint, she's perfection! She's a Disney Channel star so hopefully all of her young fans will keep her around. I can't find one thing wrong with the dance. Carrie Ann said way to go and said it was amazing and said that she has a maturity that's unexpected from a 16 year old. Len said, "That was great". Bruno said "Sweet 16 and suburb debut" and that he can't wait to see her perform more dances. They also complimented Val's choreography.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 8, Len – 8, and Bruno – 8, for a total of 24 out of 30. I bet if this dance was done a few weeks from now it would have gotten 9's. I think the judges are holding back because it's week 1.
"Bachelor" Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd danced the Fox Trot. He seemed to have some trouble loosening up during rehearsals. They danced to "The Power of Love". He had a smile plastered on his face and seemed a little stiff but you could tell he really tried hard and rehearsed a lot. I was actually really impressed, he did better than I expected. He had some great "pop" and pizzazz in his arms. Catherine was in the audience cheering him on. Len said he liked it but it lacked finesse and said there was too much attack. Bruno said that it was masculine and that it was like the chip and dale's version of a ballroom dance ha! Carrie Ann said that she liked it! She said that he has fearless exuberance and she thinks that he will go far.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 6, and Bruno – 6, for a total of 19 out of 30. Not bad!
Olympic Gold Medal gymnast Aly Raisman and Mark Ballas danced the Cha Cha Cha. She had a lot of great flounce right at the start. She seemed to have fun out there and she also seems to have a lot of potential. I think the routine seemed a little simple and she could have done more. It was lacking some musicality and fluidity. Bruno said that she had some great sexiness and she had a really good Cha Cha but she has to watch the back of her legs. Carrie Ann said that she doesn't want her to be so safe out there and she came out of her musicality a little bit. Len said the vitality and rhythm were great but her legs need to be a little bit crisper.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 7, and Bruno – 7, for a total of 21 out of 30. I would have given it a 6.5.
Dorothy Hamill talked about her battle with breast cancer and how watching Kristie Yamaguchi on "DWTS" helped her during that time. She and partner Tristan McManus danced Contemporary to "Tiny Dancer". She was like a beautiful ballerina out there. She seemed to get stuck on her foot on one of the turns but other than that it was really beautiful. It was wonderful to see her in action and the crowd gave her a standing ovation! Carrie Ann said that it was a golden performance and loved the storytelling. Len said it was in an area of outstanding beauty although there were a couple of unsteady moments. Bruno said it melted his heart and loved the connection with Tristan although she needs to work on her balance some.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 7, and Bruno – 7, for a total of 21 out of 30.
Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani danced the Cha Cha Cha! It was cool seeing her in action because you know that she will put on a show! She owned her space. She brought some good attitude to the dance floor! The foot work was a little simple and slow but she made up for it with her performance value. I think she can do even more! Her sister Ashley Judd and her mother Naomi were in the audience to cheer her on. Len said that she showed great rhythm and personality but said it was a little careful. Bruno said that she's a giver and she can give it more. He said she was perfect but can do more. Carrie Ann said that she worked it.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 6, and Bruno – 6, for a total of 18 out of 30. I think that was a pretty kind judge's score.
Comedian Andy Dick's partner is new pro Sharna Burgess and they danced the Fox Trot. He came out in a tux and she wore a lovely feathery gown and he surprised me with how good he was actually! He is a little fast on the moves at times but they looked like they were dancing in an old time movie. That was a nice surprise and the crowd went wild! Bruno said it was like watching Woody Allen doing the Fox Trot and said it could have been smoother but said that he really liked that side of him. Carrie Ann said that there was something quite charming about him and it was like watching the ugly duckling. She added he needs to work on pancake hands and pancake feet. Len complimented Sharna's choreography but picked on Andy's fluidity. Brooke actually asked Andy if his being a recovering addict and the pressure of the show would be a problem for him and he was like, "Wow you went there". She said that he did in his interview before the dance so that's why she asked about it but he said not to worry, he would be fine.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 5, and Bruno – 6, for a total of 17 out of 30. I thought they should have gotten all 6's at least and maybe a 7! I liked it!
The Baltimore Ravens' wide receiver and Super Bowl champion Jacobi Jones and Karina Smirnoff rounded out the night with their Cha Cha Cha. He came out and it was on! He had great hip action and was very involved and kept right up with Karina. I love the speed they brought to the dance and felt like they did not hold back at all. He's going to be tough to beat! He had the moves and the personality! Carrie Ann told him that he had the moves and that it was like a medley of touchdown dances. Len said it was all performance driven because the technique was terrible. Bruno said that he has the potential of being the champion of this season but his feet were turned in and he needs to control his posture.
Their Scores: Carrie Ann –
7, Len – 6, and Bruno – 7, for a total of 20 out of 30. That 6 was super low! I loved their dance!
There's a lot of great potential out there and I can't wait to see how the stars progress over the coming weeks! Tomorrow night at 9 p.m. you can watch even more rehearsal and behind the scenes footage. No one will get eliminated but you should vote! Tonight's votes will be added to next Monday's performance to determine their overall scores and who will be sent home.