text:
Monday, July 26, 2004
Manic but up and down
Current Mood: Zoooooooooooming
This sucks. I haven't accomplished anything at all. E2 is down AGAIN/STILL! It's pissing me off. My mind is going a million miles a minute. I can't seem to focus on anything at all. At one point today I was trying to do so many things at once and help several people with proofreading and such that I became very overwhelmed and had to get away from the computer completely. fortunately I was home alone and I was able to ask Harmony to call me on the phone. I knew if I walked away from the computer I would be alone and I was urging to SI bad. It's hard for me to ask for stuff like that. I know they don't mind but it's hard for me to ask for anything. I think it's because how asking for anything has always resulted when it comes to my biological family. Damnit.
Current Mood: Tearful
Current Music: Radiohead - Paranoid Android
I can't seem to focus on ANYTHING. Not for long. I haven't accomplished anything in far too long. I spent all day trying to be productive and trying real hard not to SI. Those never-ending phone calls with mom and grandma make it so hard. The belittle me. I think they enjoy making me feel like shit. I gave in tonight. I was already in tears because my computer was being very strange and switching windows and I thought someone was hacking it or something. Dawggy said turn on vnc and he'll look. So I did and he was working on it when the phone rang yet again. MOM. Which of course almost always ends up being mom AND grandma both having a go at me. So I stifled my sobs because me crying just gives them fuel. I just couldn't take anymore though. I was just too overwhelmed with them, the inside people, the mood swings, the computer freaking out on me, my lack of productivity, e2 not working, and just everything. I silently found a tool and began slicing my skin. I said to myselves no more than five small ones. But they kept on worse. Just 5 more. Then 5 more. And then 5 more. I think there are 30 total. All small. Barely more than scratches.
I only bothered with bandaids because my pants are gray and the blood would be noticeable.
Current Music: matchbox20 - Mercy, Mercy Me (live)
Current Mood: disgusted with self
I am not sure what to do now. I feel so lost. So drained, yet racing. How do I face the future. How do I face next year, next month, next week, tommorrow, the rest of the night, the rest of this hour, the rest of this song, the rest of this very minute? I don't know. I must carry on dancing though.
Mood: Unsure
Fades away to the tune of John Mayer - Why Georgia (Live with "I'm Portable" intro)
Sunday, July 25, 2004
WHY is it bad?????
"Cutting is bad" "Don't cut yourself!"
You tell me it's bad. You say it's unhealthy. That's the closest to an expliantion I've ever gotten. Not good enough. WHY is it bad? I just don't understand.
Maybe if I really understood why it's so "Bad" it'd be easier not to do it. IT HELPS! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?! It relieves the pressure that builds up inside. It makes it easier to be in control. It slows us down when nothing else does. It makes us alive when we're just barely existing so WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is it BAD?!
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Just how antisocial are you?
A Loser Psycho
Umm...get away, ew!
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
And then she cried...
I'm working on several writeups and am not sure which one I'm going to really get focused on and finish tonight. Maybe I can do six instead of just one since I slept like all day I prolly won't need another nap til it gets super hot again. I've been having a really hard time focusing and remembering what I am doing. I have dozens of things I want to do but no focus and no patience. I took ibeprofin while on the phone with Harmony. While I was eating. Which was not long before writing this.
Current Music: Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)
Current Mood: Lonely
Prince - 1999
Goo Goo Dolls - 22 Seconds
E2 search
Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)
John Mayer - 3x5
Tori Amos - A Case Of You
Spent several songs in the other room. Put my empty glass of Minute Maid fruit punch into the refriderator and tried to help grandma keep the dog in the sink long enough to give him a cool bath. When I woke up this afternoon after several hours of fitful sleep I was drenched in sweat and all I had been wearing was a little nighty that is so old and worn out that it is practically transparent and a pair of panties. I had had both the ceiling fan and the window fan on high the entire time. As soon as I was awake I turned the computer on and went and got some cold fruit punch while my computer booted up. Then I took my pants off and started writing. I have 264 write-ups. By the time Harmony and Dawggy return tommorow afternoon I want to have 265.
The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night
Dixie Chicks - A TRIBUTE TO HEROES
It's 6:55pm. I have 1C! and 39 votes left today. I am working on several write-ups. I feel lonely, but have not turned on any instant messangers or irc. I simply get too annoyed with people. I am trying to stay focused on writing, with a little bit of straightening my room thrown in. I am trying to ignore the sweat and the oven like temperatures.
Nirvana - About a Girl
Sugar Ray - Abracadabra
E2 vote
The Union Underground - Across The Nation (RAW)
Blink 182 - Adam`s Song
Simple Plan - Addicted
I'm going to post this to blog now and then continue to attempt to focus on writing and ignoring the heat.
Monday, July 19, 2004
~Trigger For Ideation~
Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
10. Family
Martina Mcbride - How Far
11. Psych nodes
Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back (Almighty Club Class Radio Edit)
12. Shelves
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider
13 Gmail
Nickelback - Someday
14. poetry book
Tori Amos - Yes, Anastasia
Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Want to Be
16. Theatre Nodes
Counting Crows - Round Here
17. Boxes
Metallica - Tuesday's Gone
18. DayPlanner Thingy
Dido - My Lover's Gone
19. Student Bible
Counting Crows - The Ghost in You
20. Magazines
Noemi - When Angels Kiss
21. /msgs
Red Hot Chilly Peppers - Give it away
1. E2 Vote/search
Goo Goo Dolls - Don't Fear the Reaper
2. Floor
Goo Goo Dolls - Jenny 867-5309 (Acoustic)
3. Music
Everclear - Santa Monica
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
Everclear - Rock Star
5. Me
Peace is Coming
using music
Martina McBride - Independance Day
1. Everything2 vote/search
Goo Goo Dolls - Tucked Away
2. Floor
Jessica Simpson - Angels
3. music
John Anderson - Straight Tequila Night
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
Nickleback - Leader Of Men
5. Me
Jack Johnson - Who Knows
6. lyrical nodes
Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back (Almighty Transensual Mix)
7. bed
Tori Amos - Finn (Intro)
8. Blog
Current Mood: ~unsure~
Today was one of those days...the days I don't remember. The days I am not Jennelle. Those days when I am never sure what is real and what is dreams. I feel unsure of everything. I feel anxious and confused. I am trying to follow a list and having Dawggy and Harmony to talk to on irc helps a lot but I know they'll be going to bed soon. It's 2:17am according to the corner of the screen. That makes it 4:17am for them. They will need to sleep soon. I'll be alone. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to talk to anyone else either. Everything and everyone annoys me, but for some reason Harmony and Dawggy don't.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
6. E2 lyrical nodes
Break me shake me.
7. Bed
I willl try to get the small stack of old magazines that is on the bed into that cabinet under the tv.
8. Blog
We've gotten full circle again. Dawggy just woke up. He's not feeling well. I wish I could do something for him. He does so much for me every day. I sent him an e-card. But I wish I could actually do something to help.
9. Jay Leno Book
10. Family
I found Harmony a birthday card, I'm gonna sign it and get it ready to be mailed.
11. Psych nodes
Start on "Componential intelligence"
12. Shelves
13. Gmail
14. Poetry book
I'm going to try to follow the list. I'm not really sure how I just spent the last couple hours.
14. Poetry book
I found a book that Ann gave me long ago. It's called Take Each Day ONE STEP AT A TIME: Poems to Inspire and Encourage the Jouney to Recovery. I have posted a couple of the poems into this blog recently. The lortab is wearing off. The pain is getting bad again. :'(
I have Simpson's Hit and Run game here right now that Dillon loaned me. I'll go try one "mission" once. I'm not very good at video games.
16. Theatre Nodes
Much like the Psych nodes, I use the index of my old theatre text books. I recently finished Wireless Microphone, now I gotta find a new one. WinchNow I have the hiccups that hurt again. grrrr.
17. Boxes.
I have a couple of boxes in here. At least one of which is just random crap that needs to be gone through. I'm gonna go see if I can find a place for at least one item from that box.
18. DayPlanner thingy
I installed a dayplanner program on my computer but I need to set it up and to add all the holidays, classes and such to it. That's the last thing that is on the list, so now I need to add "Read" which I already said would be Student Bible.
So now back to one.
1. E2 Vote/Search
I upvoted and C!'d [contact juggling] by parkan. I am now going to read the third writeup they have. Then I'll have read all that this person has posted so far. I wish I could stop hiccuping!
2. Floor
My purse dumped so I'll put that back together and pile my books a bit better for now. Damn hiccups
3. MusicLet's see if I can get all the times and sizes in for all the songs that start with B.
4. The Iluminatus Trilogy.
5. Me
I need to go get my shower done. I'm going to hit send now so in case my computer goes stupid while I'm away this will have been posted.
9. Jay Leno Book
A while back, several months ago, I found "Leading with My Chin" which is Jay Leno's autobiography sitting on the discard shelf at my local library. I snatched it up so fast. He's a very funny man. It sat in my car for months until grandma came across it and brought it in. I recently started reading it, and am enjoying it. I have been taking notes on the book, and when I finish the book I will probably turn these notes into a node about Jay Leno. I've just barely got to the second chapter, because I read only a little at a time, just enough to get one or two things to add to my notes. So it will be quite some time before I finish this book.
10. Family
This was put on the list in order to get things like making the invite for my sibling's first birthday part finished and such, though my mom decided after asking me to design it to do it herself. I have come to think of Harmony, Dawggy, and even their son as family now too though. They are not biologically related to me in anyway, are not even related by mariage, but Dawggy is my very protective big brother, and Harmony my big sister. They love me very much and have made me as much a part of their lives as possible for someone who is so far away. Harmony's birthday is coming up soon. I bought her a keyboard on ebay and hope to hear her play it for me over the phone soon. I have yet to send her a birthday card though, I need to go look and see if I still have one that I think I have....if not I need to write myself a note and go get her one, or make her one...but my printer is not working correctly.
11. Psych nodes
I finished contact comfort recently. I have yet to find another one to do. I have been going through the index of last semester's Psychology book and when I find something interesting I search e2 to see what's already written on the topic. If I have information that isn't on there I use my two psychology textbooks and often do a google search or use the resources that the college subscribes to. Currently I am going through the index, in between talking chatting. My chest hurts. I am not in a very good mood and would honestly rather him just go away for right now, but he is a friend and he seems to need someone to talk to right now. I really think I took two Lortab's instead of just one cuz I'm reaaally feeling it. hehehe. What was I saying oh damn he just typed a whole paragraph....Oh yeah...it's funny when I search terms on e2 to see if it would be a good thing to write and as I read what's there I realize not only have I seen it before but I was the one who wrote the writeup! lol.I'm working so hard to be in a decent mood, to not let the inside people get to me, to not let the world get to me. Everything is getting on my nerves right now....I think I have found a node to do. I cannot find anytthing on e2 about it. And there are two pages of it in this psych book. "Contextual intelligence". grrr the damn blinking of the mIRC window is annoying me...He isn't doing anything wrong, I'm just in one of those moods where everything annoys me, but I've got enough hydrocodone in my system that I'm not in much pain so I should be in a pretty good mood. And I had a long nap this afternoon so I shouldn't be sleepy. What was I doing?
*scrolls up again*
12. ShelvesI have a book shelf, with 6 shelves including the very top. Most of it is just piled with random stuff I need to go through. They are a total mess with the lower two selves toppeling things to the floor becuase things are just thrown onto them. the very top shelf has a barbie car for some reason. Grandma put it there. There are a couple other things up there too. I went through one of the piles of books and found The Student Bible and put it on the floor so that next time I had a "read" item to the list I will put it on there. It has been a long time since I have read any of the bible. I have been following a reading plan that is outlined in this bible for a long time but havn'et been keeping up with it.Grrrr the blinking is pissing me off. I just don't feel like talking to anyone, but I can't bring myself to say leave me alone. *sigh* I'm just being a bitch, but I'm not letting him know it because he's a friend and I dont want to upset him.
*scrolls up yet again to see where I was*
13. Gmail
I get a lot of junk mail and surveys and stuff, so much so I now have another email account for them. grrrr why is that flashing bothering me so much?! I so want to just shut the damn thing off or let David win and tell him to STFU and then go cut. I keep thinking about what was said to Dawggy earlier. David. It makes me cry thinking about how mean David was to a person I love. NO ONE HURTS MY FAMILY! It hurts so much to know that I (in some sense of the word) was the one that hurt him. really hard to focus nowgrrrr and granamd ais up need to focus need to not cut to do it too
Today was not a very good day. Went to the dentist. Don't want to even talk about how bad getting the impression for my bridge was. I had to be held down. Was in total panic. Was an observer, not the controller of my actions. When I finally got home I had missed Harmony and Dawggy by only like five or ten minutes. They had gone to their cousins house. They had both written new writeups before leaving. Both of which were very good. It wasn't quite 4pm yet, so I didn't have votes. I talked to tim a bit, and read one or two other nodes while I waited for 4pm my time, which is when server time resets to a new day and I get 45 votes and 1 C! At that point I upvoted both of their nodes and one or two others I had marked down that I had read while waiting to vote on theirs. Then I took a long nap. My anxiety level was incredibly high today all day and I haven't been feeling well. I managed to get some sleep but my entire body was tense. My thumb, which I found in my mouth when I woke up had pretty deep teeth marks. I got on the computer about an hour before Dawg and Harmony said they'd be home and was IM'd by Kandi, who I've known online for several years. We met on the Darren Hayes BBS long ago. His new video is out and she gave me the URL to download it. It is HILARIOUS! I've watched it a couple dozen times already lol. It's for the song POPular. Grandma was in the kitchen earlier when I went to get something to drink and take some pain pills so I asked her for a Lortab. I may have taken two by accident because I got one out and we were talking and warming up some spagetti, I had thought I had swallowed one but I may have just sat it on the counter then she handed me one. If it was only one, it's working, it may have been two because I'm feeling it pretty good. My nose itches.
I'm going to try to follow the list now, OrangeRoot1000 just came into #manicdepression. I'm going to try to talk to him a bit while I follow the list....
E2/Not Computer/Computer/read/other
1. E2 vote/search
I just read [Birds of Prey] by a newbie named [postscribe]. I upvoted it, it's a good writeup. No errors or anything. Factual. I also sent a short blab. "Nice job on this :) ++" because I know that I like to get /msgs like that. I try to send as many msgs as I can each day. I usually point out any typos that I find, and try to tell people, especially newbies, what they are doing right, but I also point out, as gently as I can, what they are doing incorrect.
Now we'll move on to two.
2. Floor
Well my bowl that had Spagetti in it is sitting next to me on the floor. So is the empty glass that had fruit punch in it, and the thing of Parmesan cheese. I'm going to go wash the bowl, get more juice, punch or soda, and put the cheese away. Then I will return to do number three....
Mkay...I washed the stupid bowl and grabbed that last can of Rasberry Creme soda before someone else drinks it. I was already in a pretty crappy mood but having grandma yell at me for "bawling her out" didn't help. I didn't bawl her out. She yelled "Are you fixing food?!" "No I ate earlier I"m washing the bowl like you said to" grrrrrr. She g ets me flustered. Off track, confused, frustrated. *scrolls up to see what I was supposed to do now*
3. Music
I'm making a spread sheet of all the mp3's I currently have on my computer. iTunes does most of the work for me, but I don't care much for the way that the times and sizes show up and there is some information I do not care about so I am fixing that a little at a time.
They are in alphabetical order. All the ones that start with numbers and A's are now fixed. I currently have 710 songs on my playlist, but it seems to grow just about every day.
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
This is a book that is more than 800 pages. (It's three books all republished into one large book.) Ack I have the hiccups now....
Anyway..I'm on page 104. And am only going to read about two pages right now. My concentration level isn't high enough to read much more.....
5. Me
I need a shower, but do not want to get in the shower. My anxiety is sky high and we have had many panics in the shower, the water get to me. Feel as if we will drown. For now I will get my things together. My favorite pajama pants, and old PE shirt, some panties, and I need to find a CD to listen to. I'm pretty sure Matchbox 20's first album is still in the cd player in the shower but it's been in there for quite a while and I think it's time to switch it. I think I will take the cd I burned of songs that are tributes for 9/11 and columbine and whatever else happened to come up while searching "tribute" Lots of pretty songs. I'm not sure it works though, but if it doesn't I'll ever listen to the radio or to the Matchbox Twenty cd that is in there now. I have placed this small stack...my pajamas and the cd, on the corner of the bed until I get back to "ME" on the list again.
6. Lyrical nodes.
The "Lyrical" node I am working on currently is the song "Break me Shake me" off of Savage Garden's first album. It is a very angry song. I may never actually post it on e2. If I don't I may work up the nerve to post it here. I had my heart broken recently, and I never truly appreciated this song until now because of this. The song is about mind games. It is a very personal write up for me, and will not do very well on e2 but I may post it anyway. I recently did a write-up on "Runaway Train" and it hasn't done too well Rep-wise either and at least one person has asked if I was okay after reading it. My intention was not to make people worry I simply wrote it, with many of my own intense emotions filling it, but in hopes that maybe someday someone will read it and not feel so alone in the feelings. I know there must be others who have felt that way. It will take me quiet a while to finish Break Me Shake Me. It is difficult for me to write, and so I can only write a bit at a time.
7. Bed
There are a few pieces of clothing scattered on the bed among other things. Some of these clothes should be put into the hamper now.
8. Blog
Well, I've been writing this throughout working on my entire list, writing what I'm doing each step of the way helps to keep me on track. Since this is getting so long, I will hit send now and will continue the list in a new post after this.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Friday, July 16, 2004
Current list
1. E2 vote/search
2. Floor
3. music
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
5. Me
6. E2 lyrical nodes
7. bed
8. Blog
9. Jay Leno book
11. Psych nodes
12. Shelves
13. Gmail
14. poetry book
16. Theatre Nodes
17. Boxes
18. DayPlanner thingy
Thursday, July 15, 2004
A poem I found
Blogger upgraded?
I don't tend to bother with much coding here. They have changed it now to be more of a WYSIWYG type of formatting than before. Whatever.
Ooooh and they seem to have added the ability to upload right onto blogger instead of using an img tag from another server. Have yet to try this though.
Today Dawggy posted a node on e2! AND it's doing GREAT! Harmony put up her sixth node and I also got one done today. All three of us are listed in the NEWEST WRITEUPS list at the same time! Is that awesome or what?! I'm very proud of both of them.
Take Things One Day at a Time
As you begin your journey to recovery,
know that there are people with you
every step of the way.
Take just one day at a time.
Don't expect more from yourself
than you do from others.
Conquer any anger or frustration
with hope and determination.
Believe in yourself.
Believe you will win this battle
and emerge better and stronger than ever.
Fight pain and self-doubt
with prayer and humor.
Reach out and accept the love and support
of your family and friends.
Know that you will overcome this obstacle
as you have all others.
-Ronnie M. Janney
I'm being productive today. I've gotten through the list a couple times already. I'm really achey but I can't remember when I last took ibeprofin. Grandma is in the living room and not in the greatest mood. Wah.
In the
Difficult Times,
Keep Believing in Yourself
There are times in life
when things are not perfect,
when problems seem to surround you.
As you look for a way through them,
it's important to keep
a positive attitude about your life
and where you are going.
You may wonder if you're making
the right choices.
You may wonder about how things
will turn out
if you take a different road.
But you are a strong
and motivated individual
who will rise to meet
the challenges that face you.
You are a loving and warm person
who loves life,
and you will get through
the difficult times.
-Beverly A. Chisley
I slept a very long time. I woke up many times but my head was hurting too much to bother with the computer. It was around three am when I layed down to sleep. It was around nine am when I got back on the computer. I've been sneezing all morning and I hurt all over. I know I should be heading toward the doctor, but I'm hoping grandma goes back to bed. I do not want to try to get ready and get out the door with her sitting in the living room. I'm anxious enough about having to talk to a doctor, having to explain to grandma where I am going and why first will just frazzle me more. I've been through this before. I have to be left alone by her and mom and anyone else that will make me feel aweful when I am already this anxious. If she goes to sleep soon I'll get ready and go. My heart beats faster and I feel shaky at the thought. I know I need to do this but I'm terrified.
Day went from bad to good
We had a major day today. The wee hours of the morn found me in an obsession to find more and more Savage Garden/Darren Hayes music/pictures/news. I now have Popular and their newest remix album. AWESOME.
Got manicy.
Lost time. I know now that it was Vanessa who took over and did something that is normal for a woman to do but led to upsetting Elly/flashbacks. This led to a very mixed up state for Blue. Was home alone at the time. Grandma had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. No one we knew was online at the time. Tried to make a few phone calls but was unable to contact anyone. Eventually we gave in to SI. Each of my breasts has 5 small slices. There is a tiny blood stain on one of my favorite t-shirts now. I was wearing the Big Dog shirt my mom got me on her honeymoon a couple years ago that says "I don't do mornings" It is small and probably will never be noticed by anyone even if it stains.
The cutting did help to calm and quiet. It was very minimal, however, and there was and is still a need for more. Fortunatly after this my day got extremely better. The care package from Harmony and Dawggy arrived. This completly turned my day back around. In it was of course my back up files, office, frontpage, and a few other files. Also in the box were several extremely thoughtful items. Most prescious is an angel doll named princess. Under her belt was a small card with a poem on it. Harmony told me to put it in my bible but I've already forgotten where it was I was supposed to place it in there. I will most likely place it in my wallet, however, so we can take it with me whereever we go. The card has this poem:
There's Sunshine in a Smile
Life is a mixture
of sunshine and rain,
Laughter and pleasure,
teardrops and pain,
So just keep on smiling
whatever betide you,
Secure in the knowledge
God is always beside you,
For each time you smile
you will find it is true
Somebody somewhere
will smile back at you,
And nothing on earth
can make life more worthwhile
Than the sunchine and warmth
of a beautiful smile.
-Helen Steiner Rice
Also in this box was a Million dollar bill, with Dawggy's real name on it. It is really cool. I so can't wait to show Marcie! There was also a Tootsie Roll Lollipop (orange) and some melted gummy bugs. Both of which I have already eaten. And last but not least are two neat computer made cards. All three of them (Dawggy, Harmony, and their son) signed them. This box of such wonderful things made us bawl. I can't exactly explain
I got to speak to both Dawggy and Harmony on the phone today. Dawggy helped me to set up Office and a few other computer things.
EvilLyrics is now working with iTunes. Dawggy gave me yet another gift today as well. That new Savage Garden remix album. I don't know what I would do without these two angels of mine. I know I say this everyday but I cannot stress enough how wonderful they both are. We are truly blessed.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Darren Hayes Obsession Mode
I`ve got a plan to make it rich and famous,
Lucky for me, for you it`s a bitch, you ain`t in,
My plans are slowly changing,
Fame is so contagious
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular
I must confess,
I`ve been a ve-ry bad boy,
Been sleepin around,
Talk of the town,
My name is…
Hol-lywood will beckon,
E-veryone will listen,
Play my video
hear me on the radio,
Dancin to the disco
no one ever says no
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular,
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular
…My friends are all in Limousines…
…My friends are all celebrity…
uh uh *giggle* uh uuh
I Just Sold My Soul
Play my video
hear me on the radio,
Dancin to the disco
no one ever says no
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular,
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular
…My friends are all celebrity…
…My friends are all in Limousines…
{ Play my video hear me on the radio,}
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
{Dancin to the disco, no one ever says no}
I wanna be pop-ular,
{ Play my video hear me on the radio,}
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
{Dancin to the disco, no one ever says no}
I wanna be popular,
Are you willing to sleep your way to the top?
Do you want to be pop-ular?
trouble focusing
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Family was here
If Harmony hadn't called and asked me to come online I wouldn't have logged back on. It's hard not to withdraw completly but I have promised Harmony and Dawggy to try my hardest not to run from them, so I'm online, in chat, and following a list. They keep me going. Thanks big sis and bro!
Monday, July 12, 2004
Following a list again...
E2/Not Computer/Computer/read/other
1. E2 vote/search
2. Floor
3. instally thingies/preferences
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
5. Me
6. E2 lyrical nodes
7. bed
8. Blog
9. Jay Leno book
Sunday, July 11, 2004
dont know what to say
this morning i woke up dawggy and harmony. i was upset and scared and there was no one online i could trust and be open with. so i called their house. it was really hard but i knew sitting here alone i would cut myself bad. it took me several tries to get all the phone card numbers and their phone number in without hanging up. when i finally did dawggy answered. i could barely speak. but he understood. he came online and harmony did too. i didnt cut. at all. it was a long day. a difficult day. i looked at pictures online of self-injury and had trouble to stop looking but it actually helped. but what helped more than anything was how dawg and harmony just jumped right up and were there for me. they keep telling me how proud they are of me and what a big step i've taken. it is a big deal. i'm crying again damnit.
i sent an email that is what set me off, what was said in the email i sent. And i've ignored him since. well almost. finally after blocking him on aim he IM'd me on msn and i answered once, telling him it sounded like he was threatening me. i'm very upset and confused today. its so loud inside. and the need to cut is building inside of me again. i've made it all day without so much as a scratch.
i had a great conversation with tim about something completly unrelated to anything else i've spoken of but it was more vanessa than me. hell i'm lucky i even got to watch, it was all vanessa.
i've been crying most of the day. my nose is snotty. i tried making mac and cheese but it wans't good and i couldnt eat. and my teeth hurt. my back hurts my hands hurt. i dont feel well, both emotionally and physically its a shitty day.
Friday, July 9, 2004
cuz she said to...
Mmmmkay. What details?! I don't have any. It's a terrible day. Dawggy is frustrated with me. It hurts that i've hurt him. Mom has decided I'm going to spend like two thousand dollars on a front tooth. she made me a dentist appointment for tomormw.
sorry i cant think good. its just not a good day
Sunday, July 4, 2004
spider bites
Saturday, July 3, 2004
Tough times
Harmony is helping me stick to the list this morning. I keep getting distracted easily. If it weren't for her I don't think I'd be able to stick to the list and then I'd get nothing done and would get even more depressed.
Lately it's been really hard to stay me. It's frustrating and scary. I have not been feeling well in any sense of the word. I know I need a doctor, but I don't know how.
Ever changing template
Just a few more days till my comptuer gets fixed. yay.
Friday, July 2, 2004
not good day
went to library went to bank went to groceries.
dont feel good.
grandma is in bad mood
want to get rid of that damn bed completlly. all it does is hurt. cant sleep on it and jsut trip on it. can't i just have the comforter to lay on the floor? why do i have to havve the damn sucky bed?
i hate life. if it weren't for harmony and dawggy's CONSTANT pushing me to be safe and to be productive i'd have already given in to david.
To my angels.....
As sung by Bette Midler
Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings,
'cause you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
Oh, the Wind Beneath My Wings.
You, you, you, you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the Wind Beneath My Wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the Wind Beneath My Wings.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the Wind Beneath My Wings...
"I`m just a Curbside Prophet..."
Grandma is up, but so far she has stayed in there, away from me.
I hope Harmony wakes up soon. I'm pretty sure she is usually up and online by now but then she also took some really nice pain pills before going to bed. I know how it is to have your knees hurt. My own knees hurt quite often. I hope hers get to feeling better soon.
Loneliness. But I deserve to be lonely. I hate these feelings. I hate what some of the inside people say. I hate being confused.
I'm still following the list, I've tweaked it a bit as I go along. I guess I'm being pretty productive this morning.
If grandma would go to bed and sleep today away things would be easier. Instead of going to Target with her I could go to the bank and the grocery store. Either trip will exhaust me. I can't do both.
Woke Depressed and Lonely
It's almost 4am now. Trying hard to follow a list.
E2/bedroom/computer stuff/read/other writings/
1) E2 vote/search
2) Floor
3) Fixy computer stuff
4) Illuminatas
5) Essay contests
6) Psych Nodes
7) Shelves
8) Blog
9) Magazines
10) html
11) homenode
12) dresser
13) Gmail
I slept for about two hours. I woke up feeling cold, lonely, scared, and depressed. I do not want to think about the dreams.
The last two .rar files are transfering to Dawggy's computer as I write this. In another two or three hours they'll be completly done and that will be everything but a couple of the documents I am using still, which will easily enough be emailed from one account to another at the last minute.
I have my SSI check in my purse. I need to go deposit it, and change my account info. Unfortunatly grandma wants me to go to Target with her today, so there goes the entire day.
Those bad thoughts keep creeping back. Some of the inside people, one in particular espcially, continously speaks of death and how it would be a glorious release. We are working extremely hard to not allow this to overtake us. We are truly blessed. We have extremely good friends. Harmony and Dawggy have faith in us. We must believe in ourself. We must get past the tough spots, because they know truth, and they show me love and understanding. I have Marcie too. I am blessed with friends. Why is it still so hard?
Thursday, July 1, 2004
Sleepy and productive, odd combo
I'm feeling a bit sleepy. I'm being productive though. Several nodes were written this morning. Following a list now, with Harmony's help.
The dog went home! w00t. Benny had spent a few days over here while my mother, step-father, and four siblings took a holiday to San Diego.
My blogskin is slowly getting better, and I'm slowly learning how to design them. Dawggy helps me with computer stuff, including coding a lot. Right now I've got files transfering to his computer. He's holding them for me so I can get my computer fixed without losing all my files. All that's left is the rest of the music. Everything else but a couple of documents I can email myself are uploaded to various spots on the net. Mostly email. Also Kevin (wertperch) loaned me some space on his server. I'm lucky I have such good and helpful friends.
My homenode at the reach of Level 5
user since
Thu Jan 3 2002 at 07:38:14 (2.5 years ago )
last seen
Thu Jul 1 2004 at 14:29:51 (26 seconds ago )
number of write-ups/experience
5 (Monk)
C!s spent
mission drive within everything
Learn and spread knowledge and tune my writing skills
Reference Books, Psychology, Popular Music, Technical theater, and Library science and whatever else happens to catch my eye
Citrus College| E2 Mentor, distracted noders, Bipolars, ninjagirls, buffpuffs, e2film, SoCal, e2health, e2tv
Never stop changing | "If you can't convince them confuse them" and "Curiosity may have killed the cat, but Procrastination will kill the bird"
most recent writeup
July 1, 2004 (update link)
your daily votes and C!s
0 / 45 votes | 1 / 1 C!s
notes to self
Edit your (Scratch) Pad
/msg yourself
talking to yourself
31 messages
Free to Noders
(Will except donations of almost any kind!)
Want Gmail?
Email firstname.lastname@example.com with the reasons I should send you an invite and I might just give you one.
Orkut invitations are also available
Who is skybluefusion? Where the hell did she come from? Level 4 and I've never seen them before!? How is this possible?
Well let's start with explaining what this means.
skybluefusion~My given name is derived from Jennifer which derives from Guinevere which derives from gwen which means white, fair and hwyfar, which means smooth. Blue has become my name as a converging person. sky blue is a mixture of blue and white. Fusion comes from confusion, for I have s pent much of my life in a state of confusion. It has a double meaning though, the other being fusion of selves into a functional being.
I am working toward many changes in my life, and getting away from _is_sad is an important step for me. I hope I have not caused any confusion for anyone. I am grateful to everyone who has supported me as bluebird_is_sad and beyond. I am extremely grateful to those who helped make this change happen.
April 20, 2004
It's such a hard life in most of the time
I'm just surviving
That's why I want you to know
In the world where sincerity has lost its meaning
You fill my world with so much hope
Darren Hayes, "I Miss You"
I get so tired of working so hard for my survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive
-Peter Gabriel, "In Your Eyes"
Email me: skybluefusion at Gmail dot com
I like to help newbies! So if you are new or know of someone who is new I want to help! Confusedalot's homenode is full of goodies we should all keep up with. Check out wertperch's homenode and scroll down to all his newbie goodies. They are all excellent! If anyone knows other helpful lists, let me or confusedalot know. Thanks!
"Forgetful? I don't remember being forgetful..."
My mommy say's I'm special. (Of course she did say that right after I ran into a tree so I'm not sure if "special" is a good thing or not.)
All kidding aside:
I'm a 23 year old female from Southern California. Well I should say my birthday is April 3, 1981, because I am not very good at keeping my homenode updated. I am taking classes through my local community college. I use Everything2 as a study tool. Adding my new found knowledge as I go.
"Forgetful? I don't remember being forgetful..."
email: email@example.com OR email@example.com
AIM: Confusedalotly
Also can be found as: Citrus Bluebird (This usually means I am logged on from a campus lab or have both on, one through gaim and the other to trade files
MSN: firstname.lastname@example.com YAHOO: sgrulesme
Meet my new pets: bobisamerikan, Kit and unnoficially Radar
Anyone else want to be my little projects? :P
I will do votetags/node audits. Anyone. I tend to do them anyways, unsolicited, of people who catch my eye. If you want every single one of your write-ups read by me, let me know. It might take me a while but I'll read them all and offer any and all feedback I can. =) Anyone, newbie to god. Don't matter to me.
Every night I imagine touching your face,
but nothing is there except empty space.
My dreams are filled
with visions of eternal bliss,
sealed by your tender and heavenly kiss.
I awake from my dreams,
yearning to hold you near,
searching but not finding
bringing me to tears.
I lie there thinking about how you showed me love,
making me wonder if you were
sent from heaven above.
I fall asleep knowing that
you are in my mind and my heart,
for love is eternal
and we will never be apart
-Anndria Turner
I am currently trying to improve my older writeups.
! @
Quote of the day...or maybe week...or until I get around to typing another one:
"Never mistake motion for action." - Ernest Hemingway
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. "...let's add a few more marks on your road map of insanity"
The things people have said:
So many more have said things that's touched me, though they are not all listed here, and I thank you all:
wertperch says *HUGS*
ac_hyper says I'm flattered that you seem to be spending so much time reading stuff by little ol' me. :)
Fraun says re October 8, 2003: There is absolutely nothing I can really say, except; Hey. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm so sorry I can't do more.
wertperch says Well you *sound* more chipper - from your nodes. All I can say is keep going, be good at college =)
ac_hyper says Well you seem like a lovely person with a lot of positive things to add to the world. I am pleased to see this side of you. There is a nice personality under all that depression.
NightShadow says re February 3, 2004: Life sucking is not a permanent thing. It's like a roller-coasert: good and bad at times. Do not EVER wish death upon yourself if you are unhappy with the quality of your life over such trivial things. Death is a gift for having life, a reward. Be healthy, alive- or you are most assuredly dead already.
wertperch says re February 26, 2004 : This sounds quite upbeat! You might also mention that you're a mentor now, that's some acheivement and recognition!
anonymous says thanks ever so much! you're the only person here who has actually complimented my writeups. :-)
WHAT?!?! We, as Everythingians need to give more positive feedback!
TheDeadGuy says Sometimes I get this urge to ask you "are you okay?" Sometimes your homenode scares me a little. If you ever need an ear, let me know. Not that I'm willing to cut my ear off or anything, that would be insane.
wertperch says That happens to me - I see things in Random node, and go "I read this"..."I *wrote* this!"
ac_hyper says I'm sorry you've had a bad day, but always remember that there are people on E2 who care about you and want the best for you. :)
hamster bong says i think your step dad needs a good crack on the noggin'. i think you are lovely, don't ever leave (no matter what anyone tells you). perhaps some day you will learn to fly and you'll find the sun again. *hugs*
siouxsie says Hey! I came by earlier and dumped all of my votes into my favorites of your nodes. It was all the love I have to go around today. (grin) I hope your piano thing went well. I saw that you got some sleep. It sounded like a good night. ((HUG))
Lencil says whooo yes you doth equal much thankiness I mean, yes, wheee(mind me not) wheeeeeeee yay!
Andrew Aguecheek says and of cocurse I'm addicted to this place, who isn't?!
wertperch says Heehee, see you're reading about cat/toast arrays Good morning, just woke up after nodermeet and need coffee more than ever *hug*
A friend says In general, you sound better than you used to (judging from daylogs and usergroup messages). I know you don't really know me, but I've felt really bad for you since I discovered your writings. You just sounded so unreachably miserable. I've had numerous depressed and suicidal friends and family members, and the worst feeling is knowing that talking and listening will not solve brain chemistry issues. I have a tendency to want to fix people and make all their sadness go away. But I can't. All I can offer is listening, and who knows if it even does any good? Something from your daylog did strike me: the idea of "denying" your feelings of depression. This is not necessarily a bad thing! In a sense, depression can be thought of as a habit. Cycles of negative thought are very difficult to break, and sometimes even when your brain is chemically able to be happy, on a cognitive level you are so used to thinking the sad way that NOT allowing those familiar patterns to repeat feels wrong somehow. It's not wrong, it's just disconcerting. Anything you can do to break old thought habits will help you.
drownzsurf says Thank you for considering me as a help on your homenode. That is a highlight of my E2 career, because I sense its genuine quality from the heart, nothing to do with C!'s or votes or wu's but reality
ac_hyper says Thanks for the typo alert, and for reading my stuff!
arieh says one of E2's dirty secrets; votes only reset when you visit a superdoc (like the front page). Otherwise, you can keep spending yesterday's
E2 tools
See confusedalot's bookmarks for everything about noding/everything2.
Things that relate to me
Borderline personality disorder
Dissociative disorder
Good reasons to leave my computer-centred world alone
I don't want to be a weeping mass of emotion, but I am
What I say too much
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nervous breakdown
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Signs and symptoms of Psychiatric Disorders
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/me misses Hermetic
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Fun stuff
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Everything Bartender
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You know you are addicted to Everything when
Stuff that needs more info:
John Moschitta
And the worms ate into his brain
How do you want to live?
Now everyone thinks that you're crazy
The Bluebird of Happiness
Chuck E. Cheese's
Inability to cry
Everything is a community and I consider these people friends:
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dem bones
No I did not forget you...I'm just not done!
I am working on organizing these....slowly...
User Bookmarks:
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A Clean, Well-Lighted Place
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Selfless (idea)
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Humorous Writings of E2
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If I were watched alone, I'd be considered insane
Quotes by Everythingians
Remind Me Who I Am, Again
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E2 Clinic of Nodal Psychoanalytic Evaluation & Textual Therapy
There Are Many People Living Inside of Me
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psychotic break
bus (thing)
memory is a stranger
Hello, I take Zoloft. I am so gloriously mentally ill! You will love me, yes?
Someone's been messing with my anti-paranoia medication!
The swing and the death of an old man (person)
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I never lie to you, I just allow you to misunderstand me
When you make your own mother cry you know you've fucked up
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Well-written node - pity about its name
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The truth about razor blades
Don't node drunk
Shall I scare you with the truth? Or tell the pretty lie?
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To Parents: The Internet is NOT the Devil
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The world breaks everyone (idea)
Are you okay? (idea)
Self Injury
research is fun
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Websites that can improve your writeups (thing)
Why am I crying?
Why can't I stop thinking about you?
I'm so sorry my brain works that way
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Uberman's Sleep Schedule
I'm crying and I can't stop
It's Hard Enough
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Everyone is right
Yourself In Me
She opened her eyes and spoke in a very normal voice, just as if she were sane
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ginger tea (thing)
<hr> (thing)
White space (thing)
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We are kids in slightly wrinkled bodies
you cannot meet again unless you part
Severn Valley Railway
Suicide (person)
No journey worth taking is easy (idea)
Go where there is no snow (idea)
testing the waters (idea)
I look in the mirror (idea)
Anastasia Romanov (person)
the wandering one, the inquisitive dreamer of dreams
grudge (thing)
usergroup message archive
Everything homenode adventure (idea)
Noding speedometer
Getting your work published (idea)
The heart of the wasted city is weeping
February 21, 2002 (idea)
convergent thinking (thing)
schizophrenic scissors
E2 Sperm Counter
life long learning
batter's box
Alone amongst a head full of voices
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it all makes me so dizzy
E2 FAQ: Mentoring
I have always wanted someone to say to me what you just said
Random psychiatric disorder diagnosis kit
The three degrees of lost (idea)
E2 FAQ: Prescription medications
Perpetual reminder to myself: good sex is possible
Does she hate me? Or does she hate my crazy? (idea)
One of my IRC friends died and I don't know how to feel
Give everything you can to everyone you know
Soul Dragon
November 7, 2002 (idea)
Google Easter Eggs
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Voting Oracle
Buy stuff, E2 gets money
December 20, 2002 (person)
i don't deserve you
Your Nodeshells
How to use Windows regularly without hating it (much)
Laziness and fear
Nibbled to death by ducks (idea)
News Archives
Anonymity, privacy and E2
The garden of moods
go to sleep so I can see you
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The blueprint of the soul
Notelet nodelet HTML tricks
I miss Adam
Everything College Registry
My agnostic prayer (idea)
How to survive a long-distance relationship (idea)
e2link: Create everything2 links from word lists
Collective reality
Sadness is an old friend; Disappointment is his herald
If I had called you, would you still be dead?
They are not singing our song
depersonalization (thing)
Why she is not sorry (person)
Dune as a model for self improvement (idea)
Editor Log: February 2004 (thing)
February 23, 2004 (idea)
Secret Me-Meta-Node Challenge
Everyone is right (idea)
March 3, 2004 (place)
June 6, 1994
E2 Quests: Songs and Lyrics
The crazy things we do to keep ourselves sane
Rednecks vs. white trash (idea)
A dance on the dark side (idea)
bisexual (idea)
Convergence (idea)
Astral projection technique (thing)
Dum Dums (thing)
May 21, 2004 (idea)
the new e2
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