text:
User talk:Mrmonkey72
Only archive can be found here.
- 1 rape
- 2 UnSignpost: October 2nd, 2008
- 5 Need ur help FAST
- 6 Credit Crunch
- 7 ???//;;;;';[deldfc]
- 8 Suggestions?
- 9 UnSignpost: October 10th 2008
- 10 UnSignpost: 21 October 2008
- 11 Speedy answer requested
- 12 Thanks for the vote
- 13 Mister Monkey
- 14 UnSignpost: 3-ish November 2008
- 15 Help!
- 16 UnSignpost: 13th November 2008
- 17 UnSignpost: 20th November2008
- 18 Who am I and welcome to hell?
- 19 UnSignpost: 27th November2008
- 20 Just when you thought I was gone...
- 22 Dear Yodel Monkey, I made a new header just for you.
- 23 UnSignpost: 4th December 2008 (yea, we know it's late)
- 24 adopt me![]
- 25 UnSignpost: 11th December
- 26 Bat Fuck Insane
- 27 Such sympathy
- 28 On the Quote template
- 29 Happy Hanukkah
- 31 Tis' The Season
- 32 During this season...
- 33 Here's Your Christmas Tree
- 34 Yeah Yeah
- 35 Thank you for voting.
- 36 Yet Another Award
- 37 With Great Appreciation
- 38 UnSignpost 1st January 2009
- 39 I'm BACK! ;)
- 40 UnSignpost 8th January 09
- 41 UnSignpost 15th January
- 42 MonkeyMan!
- 43 oh no, you di'int!
- 44 Where are you?
- 45 UnSignpost 22 + 7 (+1) January
- 46 UnSignpost 5th February 2009
- 47 Final attempt at contact
- 48 UnSignpost 12th February 2009
- 49 UnSignpost 19th February2009
- 50 UnSignpost 26th February 09
- 51 UnSignpost 5th March 09
- 52 UnSignpost 12th March 09
- 53 Where are you?
- 54 UnSignpost 19th March
- 55 UnSignpost 26th March 09
- 56 UnSignpost 2nd April 09
- 57 UnSignpost April 9/10th, 2009
- 58 UnSignpost April 16th, 2009
- 59 UnSignpost 23rd April 09
- 60 UnSignpost! 1st Anniversary Special!!!
- 61 The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special
- 62 UnSignpost May 14th
- 63 Hey
- 64 UnSignpost May 21st
- 65 UnSignpost! May 28th, 2009
- 66 UnSignpost June 4th, 2009
- 67 UnSignpost June 11th/12th/whatever
- 68 Where'd you go?
- 69 UnSignpost! June 18th/19th!
- 70 Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th
- 71 UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009
- 72 UnSignpost 9th July 2009
- 73 UnSignpost: July 16nd, 2009
- 74 UnSignpost: July 23rd, 2009
- 75 UnSignpost: July 30th, 2009
- 76 UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!!
- 77 UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!
--monika 02:21, 1 October 2008 (UTC)
- Rape is wrong, m'kay? It's wrong. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 02:26, 1 October 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: October 2nd, 2008[edit]
May contain traces of humor!
October 2nd, 2008 • ALL-KITTEN ISSUE • Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
According to Wikia staff member Sannse, Uncyclopedia's advertising revenue is below expectations and must rename itself to appeal to the younger generation. "I think the problem is that 'Uncyclopedia' has lost its edge," Sannse said to a crowd of squirrels and kittens gathered around the Uncyclo-stables last Saturday, "...all of which is contained in its name."
Older users, like Mordillo, the jew who secretly controls "Uncyc," and TheLedBalloon, who is an inanimate balloon, strongly petition for the name to stay the same. The Unsignpost couldn't be bothered to actually read the forum that Sannse created, but we're assuming that everyone's against changing the name to "Asparagus.org" or something.
The name change will reflect the personalities and interests of every single contributor. "Yeah, Asparagus.org is gonna have to do until we figure out what would be a good name," Sannse yelled at a local gathering of squirrels in Uncyclopedia's break room. Many users have complained about the change, but not AsparagusSignPost, which has run into a little trouble with the law recently, and doesn't want to go back to jail by disobeying "the man" or causing "drama". Because, as we ALL know, some head writers have been banned a whole bunch of times for being "different".
So to Asparagus.org we say: "Keep the funnies coming, unless someone is forecasting your doom again..."
For the first time in over two weeks, the flaming death of this silly wiki has been predicted in some form. Last time it was that stain that looked puzzlingly like Jimbo Wales, the time before it was that bird that flew overhead. You know the one I mean. This time around, undead user Necropaxx has pointed out several recent disturbing trends that seem to mean only one thing: Uncyc is about to suffer its death throes. It seems this time that the demise of the wiki will also utterly destroy the souls of every one of the dozens of users who contribute here regularly. Tidings such as this have frightened new users such as September NotM Multiliteralist, who had his to say: "Oh no."
Several of the signs that Uncyclopedia is doomed are unarguably true: VFP is stagnant due to the lack of Zombiebaron activity. The Pee Review queue is backed up worse than a public toilet after Cinco de Mayo. Modusoperandi seems to be malfunctioning, as he has dispensed with his usual biting wit in favor of just plain biting. It appears, in at least a few users' eyes, that Uncyc has "jumped the kitten".
Lack of News Wreaks Havoc on UnSignpost
In an unprecedented press conference earlier this week, UnSignpost editor-in-chief Mr. Gerry Cheevers (the user, not the hockey player) admitted that "This week's issue is actually still a blank template", further stating "I've been swamped at work, and today developed cold-like symptoms." However, some experts disagree on the cause of an UnSignpost devoid of news. "There is an obvious explanation for the lack of gratifying news stories in the USP this week," said Mr. News Guy, the world-renowned news reporter, kitten enthusiast, and unicycle-fetish expert. "There is just no news to report on," he continued, to which the reporter we borrowed from UnNews responded "And what's causing this lack of news?" "That's just it! There's no news to report on!" "So... you're saying is, the reason there's no news is because there's no news?" "Exactly! And it's just a matter of time until some attention whore writes a stupid and redundant story on the fact that there's no news!"
This story is dedicated to the memory of Mr. News Guy, whose body was recovered from the Los Angeles river the next day.
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-- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 23:51, 3 October 2008 (UTC)
Good luck with the VFH. Thanks for incorporating my humble suggestions. Geoffprickett 17:27, 5 October 2008 (UTC)
- Thanks for the suggestions in the first place! I needed a different ending line and that's exactly what you gave, so good job. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 17:28, 5 October 2008 (UTC)
WHAT U R[edit]
- That's quite a few bowels I'm passing through! Well, shucks. You nailed me to a T, and for that, sir, I applaud you. (Seriously, though, this is probably the funniest way anyone's ever insulted me. My friends would be jealous.) --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 23:37, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
Need ur help FAST[edit]
R u familiar with User:CannabisUser94?--126.96.36.199 23:42, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
- Funnily enough, I don't feel inclined to answer your question after the way you insulted me. Apologize first. (My feelings are hurt. You disinflated my self-esteem balloon.) --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 23:43, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
- I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Now, THE QUESTION!!!! MAKE HASTE!--18.104.22.168 23:45, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, he's writing Lazytown. It's a bunch of gay jokes. Why? (Also, post this and check back in a few hours, I'm going to be out for a bit.) --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 23:49, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
- I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Now, THE QUESTION!!!! MAKE HASTE!--188.8.131.52 23:45, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
- Idky but that IP seems to have been stalking me (weird). Check out his user page, he got banned just a little while ago 4 something.--CannabisUser94 23:55, 6 October 2008 (UTC)
Credit Crunch[edit]
Hey Mr Monkey, seeing as how you have been editing some financial crisis related articles, woud you like to help me with the credit crunch article? I have substantially re-written it to try and make it funnier, and added some pictures too. Let me know what you think. Mostly Zen 17:56, 9 October 2008 (UTC)
PS Is it called the credit crunch in the US also, or is it just a British media term? Not sure where you're from.
- I'm from the U.S... I guess that'd be an acceptable term. But yeah, I'll help you out when I can, probably over the weekend: I'm a little bit swamped at the moment. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 20:58, 9 October 2008 (UTC)
$6000! You just cost me $6000!
- And may I ask how? (Also, please sign your posts, if you don't mind. It's the little signature button up there, or four ~ signs.) --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 23:09, 9 October 2008 (UTC)
I would appreciate it if you would take a look at my current revision of the Lazytown page and tell me what you think.--CannabisUser94 01:25, 10 October 2008 (UTC)
- It's definitely getting better, but just as some basic writing advice for on here: don't be particularly random. You set up a mind control theme: try and go with that. What's the show causing kids to do? How does it accomplish its nefarious deeds? Don't bother with huge backstories on characters or anything unless they're really, really funny. (And add some pictures, of course.) But yeah. HTFANJS in case you didn't know. Read it, because it makes everyone funnier. (Also, out of curiosity, why do you write on my talkpage in both IP and user form? I figured that out pretty much immediately, y'know.) --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 21:21, 10 October 2008 (UTC)
- I like to be random.--220.127.116.11 04:38, 13 October 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, but is that funny? Maybe a couple times, if it's unexpected. If you do it continually, it's incoherent and not entertaining. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 19:36, 13 October 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, and that's the problem. Actually, I'm absolutley adamately opposed to that. BTW, are you familiar with User:Fartcloud?--CannabisUser94 22:50, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
- As far as I can tell, there is no such user. So, no, I'm not. Unless you just created that account and have yet to do anything with it, but I wouldn't be able to know that. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 23:17, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, and that's the problem. Actually, I'm absolutley adamately opposed to that. BTW, are you familiar with User:Fartcloud?--CannabisUser94 22:50, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, but is that funny? Maybe a couple times, if it's unexpected. If you do it continually, it's incoherent and not entertaining. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 19:36, 13 October 2008 (UTC)
- I like to be random.--126.96.36.199 04:38, 13 October 2008 (UTC)
- Okay, but there is one last thing I want from you. 2 hard-shelled crab dinners (1 baked, 1 fried), pitcher of ice cold beer, 3 eggs over easy, and 30 strips of bacon. You can handle that can't ya chief?--CannabisUser94 23:25, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
- Well, I can get all that. But I cannot guarantee that I won't consume it before you even lay eyes on it. So it's just the chance you're gonna have to take. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 23:26, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
- Okay, but there is one last thing I want from you. 2 hard-shelled crab dinners (1 baked, 1 fried), pitcher of ice cold beer, 3 eggs over easy, and 30 strips of bacon. You can handle that can't ya chief?--CannabisUser94 23:25, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
- Well dang...--CannabisUser94 00:49, 17 October 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: October 10th 2008[edit]
The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes
October 9th, 2008 • Twenty-First Issue • Bursting with Crunchy Goodness!
Uncyclopedia Stock Plummets
Uncyclopedia stockholders are in a state of panic after shares of Uncyclomedia fell over 60% this week amid fears of a writing recession. "I just can't gamble on a rebound," said one investor as he carefully climbed out onto his window ledge overlooking Wall Street, perhaps seeking some fresh air. "With the current economic and comedic climate, and rumors of the destruction of the website, it looks like Uncyc Incorporated is about to fold."
Other investors are slightly more optimistic. We ran into a smartly dressed woman in the Uncyc break room and were intrigued as to why a female would ever have enough confidence in the wiki to invest the large sum of one dollar bills she was counting. It turned out that she was a stripper, but we did eventually find someone who still had faith in the company.
"There's so much more to the Uncyclopedia Empire than just the humor wiki," said confident money-man Chet Hardluck. "There's the kitten factory, the escort service, the games & sports division...and don't forget the world's largest boron-smelting plant!" When it was pointed out that these claims are in fact bollocks (except for the boron plant), Hardluck joined the queue of businessmen waiting their turn to get some frsh air on the suddenly popular ledge.
The fate of the Uncyclopedia corporation remained unclear at press time. Some say that if Uncyc stock plummets through enough negative numbers, the stock will reset itself at zero, resulting in huge negative negative profits for those who bought the stock whilst it was negative.
Uncyclopedia announces invasion of YouTube
The first upload began a series of incursions onto YouTube by all types of Uncyclopedians. Some made sense, such as article narrations and UnTunes. Some were questionable, such as the gangsta rap video by the usually timid Sycamore. But nearly 99% of all material in the 'Uncyclopedia' category is patent nonsense, such as a visualization of AAAAAAA!, faceoffs between George Bush & Kanye West and Steve Ballmer & various other injokes, and a 'don't blink contest' featuring Gert5 staring into a camera for nine hours.
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— Sir Sycamore (talk) 19:03, 10 October 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 21 October 2008[edit]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
October 16th, 2008 • Twenty-Second Issue • Now with 40% more Batman!
Uncyc Users throw Support Behind Joe Plumber
Uncyclopedians today officially declared their undying allegience to Joe Plumber, a newcomer in the upcoming U.S. presidential election. Plumber was thrust into the spotlight last night at the second of many dreadfully boring presidential debates between those two or more candidates currently jockeying for the office. His name was mentioned no less than twenty-four dozen times by the candidates, with each claiming that Joe sided with him on issues such as healthcare, tax increases, and the 'Canada Problem'. One candidate even went so far as to claim that he and Plumber were 'buddies', and that Plumber installed a new bathtub in his palatial presidential candidate mansion last July.
Several prominent Uncyclopedians spoke out in vehement support of Plumber, citing his many qualifications to be the leader of the free world. "He's a maverick in the plumbing industry," said staunch pro-Plumberer Colin "All your base" Heaney. "He also has a plan to live the American Dream, through the infinite wisdom of buying his own plumbing company. America needs dreamers, Gerry." Despite being asked to stop commenting, Heaney went on to say that Plumber "cleans people's pipes on a regular basis."
Other supporters of Joe Plumber's campaign and platform included inanimate objects such as TheLedBalloon. "The most important thing to know about Joe Plumber is that he is AMERICAN, in bold italics underlined and all caps, just like that." When asked to give another example of how patriotic both he and Plumber are, Mr. Balloon replied, "Just picture him standing in front of a flag with the Star Spangled Banner playing in the background, and you'll know why I support his presidency."
Current polls show Plumber trailing in the presidential race, with an estimated zero percent of all voters. His backers are trying to spread the word about Joe's tax relief plan, his rugged good looks, and his skill with a pair of slip-nose pliers.
Uncylopedia Issues Food Stamps
Due to the recent downturn in the economy, Uncyclopedia officials have issued hundreds of food stamps to users who have no means of feeding themselves. These users might be out of a job or have no arms. In any case, these food stamps are to be given out on alternate Thursdays, except for odd-numbered months, months ending in 'y' or 'r', and April. They will be available at the Uncyclopedia Meat Depot, the boron smelting plant, or by calling the new food stamps hotline.
These food stamps will be valid for purchasing a wide variety of nutritious and delicious items from the Uncyclopedia Farmer's Market and Livestock Emporium. Included are items such as pre-packed huffable kittens, gummi grues, and AAAAAAA! cookies.
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--Sycamore (Talk) 10:16, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
Speedy answer requested[edit]
What's in the 2 week package?--220.127.116.11 00:42, 31 October 2008 (UTC)
Ya remember me!?--126.96.36.199 00:45, 31 October 2008 (UTC)
- I'm not on here 24:7, chill. Yes, I do. What's in the two week package? Bannination, that's what. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 02:05, 31 October 2008 (UTC)
Thanks for the vote[edit]
Your vote was very appreciated, and I am very grateful that you thought of me.
From--Sycamore (Talk) 17:31, 1 November 2008 (UTC)
Mister Monkey[edit]
Do you have the time and the patience to look after UnNews for a while? Mainly - changing the leading articles on a daily basis, maybe cleaning up a bit and dropping me a line every time something needs to be deleted? What do you think? ~http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/f/f6/Jewriken.GIF 10:24, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- Absolutely, though I do have one question, which is if the leading stories need to be updated daily. I've been doing it at a moderately often pace: problem is, sometimes there's just not good enough stories to justify changing all of them. I can, however, certainly check daily to see if there's a good new one and put it in. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 21:55, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- You don't need to change all of them daily (unless they're really good ones) just push them back - lead one becomes two etc...~http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/f/f6/Jewriken.GIF 22:23, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- Got it. Yeah, I can do that. I might make a welcoming template like Zim's, as well, since he hasn't been around... --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:24, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- I'm hoping he'll be back sometimes :). In the meantime we also need to revive the audio division as well. ~http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/f/f6/Jewriken.GIF 22:27, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- That's true, I noticed it'd pretty much floundered. Personally, though, I'd spring for getting a little more attention paid to the namespace... well, I might do some audios over holiday breaks and such, school takes up too much time right now. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:29, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- I'll try to do some good there as well, let me know if you need any cabal intervention :) ~http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/f/f6/Jewriken.GIF 08:31, 5 November 2008 (UTC)
- That's true, I noticed it'd pretty much floundered. Personally, though, I'd spring for getting a little more attention paid to the namespace... well, I might do some audios over holiday breaks and such, school takes up too much time right now. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:29, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- I'm hoping he'll be back sometimes :). In the meantime we also need to revive the audio division as well. ~http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/f/f6/Jewriken.GIF 22:27, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- Got it. Yeah, I can do that. I might make a welcoming template like Zim's, as well, since he hasn't been around... --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:24, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
- You don't need to change all of them daily (unless they're really good ones) just push them back - lead one becomes two etc...~http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/f/f6/Jewriken.GIF 22:23, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 3-ish November 2008[edit]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
November 3rd-ish, 2008 • Twenty-Third Issue • Better than things that aren't as good!
Address Change: Return To Sender?
If you are one of those people, here's a brief summary of the incident:
If you aren't one of those people, here's an even briefer summary:
More on this ongoing situation as we get it. Probably.
Glorious return to form for MrN!
Fellow poopsmith and genial man-about-town UU said of the momentous occasion: "you what? MrN? Oh yeah, him. Good bloke. Knows his underwear". Then he scratched his nose reflectively and wandered off.
MrN himself was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press/we couldn't be bothered to interview him (delete as you think applicable), but the UnSignpost fondly imagines he would have smiled enigmatically, raised an eyebrow quizzically, nodded appreciatively, and said "PANTS!" predictably.
The pants themselves were also unavailable for comment.
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Shoved through the letterbox for the one and only time by UU - natter 11:59, Nov 6
Why I can't edit Malaysia? I'd like to write about its gas prices but I can't!
--Artix 01:47, 13 November 2008 (UTC)
- It's protected to prevent vandalism. If you've been here for under... three days, I think, you're not allowed to edit it. Check back in a while. It's nothing personal, either, but a lot of people have edited that article very poorly and so the time delay is a bit of a quality check. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:53, 13 November 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 13th November 2008[edit]
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11
November 13th, 2008 • Issue 24 • So close to journalism you'll be hard pushed to know the difference!
Uncyclopedian does something vaguely noteworthy in "real life"
Mickey has so far failed to live up to Uncyclopedia's proudest traditions, by actually being quite good at the game. Indeed, at the time of writing, he'd won several games, including what he modestly described as "an awesome numbers game, beating Carol". He also shamelessly mentioned his connection to the site in a recent episode, leading to quite literally no extra edits to the Countdown article - still, thanks for the plug, Mick!
Having spent time in the company of such notable international icons as Des O'Connor (no, we don't have a page on him, so there's no link), Paul Zenon (nope, nothing on him either) and Suzy Dent (spotting a pattern here, non-UK readers?) Mickey is now Uncyclopedia's most prominent celebrity, and it's surely only a matter of time before he appears on Strictly Come Dancing or Celebrity Big Brother, and has a lurid kiss-and-tell exposé in Heat Magazine.
Various "...of the month" award candidates - November's in-depth analysis
Uncyclopedian of the Month: Controversial nominees abound here, as serial ban collector Cajek goes head-to-head with Wikia corporate mouthpiece Sannse. The hyperactive one with the light blue sig is in the lead at present. But! As with certain other popular recent votes, there is a third candidate inexplicably attracting little attention - Dexter111344, a site maintenance and VFD stalwart. Who will win? Only you can decide (and all the other people who vote, obviously).
Noob of the Month: No-one. Yet. Find a noob doing something vaguely decent and nominate them please! Otherwise the UnSignpost may just have to bring back the ultimate dead horse for yet more flogging and nom Rcmurphy again.
Useless Gobshite of the Month: Kip the Dip is out on his own for this one so far. Having proved an exemplary gobshite for months on end, despite being cruelly denied the recognition of this award, the UnSignpost feels that his time is now, and is abandoning all pretence at unbiased journalism: VOTE KIP FOR UGotM!
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MrN9001 12:50, 13 November 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 20th November2008[edit]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
November 20th, 2008 • #100/4 • Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.
UnSignpost Stumbles past 6 month milestone
In true UnSignpost fashion, the editors noticed this about 2 weeks late - the Signpost having been so gloriously conceived (and never was a word more aptly suited to this juvenile-as-all-get-out publication) by Dr. Skullthumper and Cajek back in early May. The first issue rolled off the presses on May 8th, bringing you such earth-shattering news as "Rcmurphy nommed for Noob of the Month again" and "Uncyclopedia F**king Doomed", as well as establishing Signpost tradition with "Spacefiller of the week" (something about Grand Theft Auto).
The editor's office here at USP should probably have had a revolving door installed, having been occupied at various times since Cajek and Skull abandoned it by THEDUDEMAN, Gerrycheevers, Heerenveen and some other numpty - although this is small change compared to the number of delivery bots and boys that have thrust the latest issue, still warm, through your letter flaps.
Over the months, many other contributors have helped to keep the UnSignpost in its deserved position of "only weekly-ish newspaper on the wiki" - possibly by being so lame that no-one wanted to bother doing another one. And, having brought you such shattering exclusives as "Wookiepedia Too Cool For Cajek", "Porn Wars End in Sticky Truce" and "RC takes home NotM", the UnSignpost shows no sign of speeding up.
Maybe one day, the unstoppable forces of apathy will finally overcome those who still labour under the impression that people actually care about seeing block log entries and biopics arrive on their talk page weekly, and the UnSignpost will grind to a halt. But until then, it will continue to bring you all the old news you've already seen somewhere else, whether you like it or not!
In response to quite literally some demand, your ever-topical, finger-on-the-pulse UnSignpost brings you all the latest sports news that's unfit to print!
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MrN9001 20:45, 20 November 2008 (UTC)
Who am I and welcome to hell?[edit]
Can you guess/are you psychic? For more information, throw away that tracfone in your hands--Metalhead94 T C
- Hm. I don't know, because you don't remind me of anyone I know in real life, it's not a familiar SN, and I have no fucking idea what a "tracfone" is. So, no, I'm not psychic. Who are you? --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 00:56, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- Okay, I looked up what a tracfone is, and I know one thing for certain: I don't own one, and I never have owned one. I think you may be confusing me for somebody else: this SN has been registered other places that's not me, so don't go thinking that everyone who uses a specific username is the same person. We're not. We're just a team of people who love each other very, very much. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:01, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- No I'm just messing around?--Metalhead94 T C
- Oh. That was confusing. I thought you knew me, or thought you knew me... alright. Well, I've had weird experiences on the internet. Nothing personal. But, as long as we're talking, you never got formally welcomed! Allow me to change that. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:06, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- A pre-rendered welcome, thanks!--Metalhead94 T C
- BTW, I'm no noob to wiki formatting.--Metalhead94 T C
- Painstakingly, hand-written welcomes take time and effort, so you have to pay for those. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:40, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- Haha, funny guy.----Metalhead94 T C 01:46, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- Painstakingly, hand-written welcomes take time and effort, so you have to pay for those. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:40, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- Oh. That was confusing. I thought you knew me, or thought you knew me... alright. Well, I've had weird experiences on the internet. Nothing personal. But, as long as we're talking, you never got formally welcomed! Allow me to change that. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:06, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- No I'm just messing around?--Metalhead94 T C
- Okay, I looked up what a tracfone is, and I know one thing for certain: I don't own one, and I never have owned one. I think you may be confusing me for somebody else: this SN has been registered other places that's not me, so don't go thinking that everyone who uses a specific username is the same person. We're not. We're just a team of people who love each other very, very much. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:01, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 27th November2008[edit]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
November 27th • Issue 26 • The newspaper it's tough to swat flies with
Uncyc shall go to the Ball!
To whet the appetite, let's take a look at some of the cream of last year's competition:
Yup, standards are that high, or low, depending on your point of view, sense of humour, religion, shoe size and taste in hats.
So jump to it! If you can make the judges laugh even as they vomit up their own entrails, you could be in with a chance of winning the glorious title "Aristocrat en Regalia", as well as the undying jealousy of the other entrants you so satisfyingly routed. Or you might lose.
Asked for quotes, organiser RAHB quipped "I'll probably get on it sometime tonight, if not tomorrow", while official judging type Modusoperandi added "my memoires are riddled with mind expanding shit".
{{username}} claims millionth victim
"It was there, in front of me, an accusation that I was teh gheyz", the hapless victim told us exclusively. "Such hard-hitting slander had to be addressed, and addressed immediately, so I clicked the edit button, and launched into a passionate and vitriolic defence of my unquestionable heterosexuality post-haste!"
Ironically, it was the length of this diatribe that finally revealed the subterfuge. "It took me some time to compose a suitable riposte, listing at length my many dalliances with members of the opposite sex, my subscription to Playboy and my utter distaste for the movie Brokeback Mountain - in fact it took so long that I was logged out from my account" said the sap. "So when I hit the preview button to behold my comeback in all its savage majesty, what should catch my eye but the <insert name here> message that betrays {{username}} abuse? I felt so embarrassed, the only logical course of action I could take was to sell my story to a newspaper with a global readership - you did say you'd pay me for this, right?"
Shortly after this point, the interview was discontinued due to a disagreement between interviewer and interviewee. Asked for a final quote, we were told "fuck {{username}}, and fuck you too!" - a comment that speaks volumes about the suffering this terrible template is capable of inflicting on the unwary.
{{username}} was unavailable for comment, and remains at large, ready to strike again.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MrN9001 21:04, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
Just when you thought I was gone...[edit]
I have returned from the dead to slaughter your talkpage eternally. (ps tell the dick up there with the big red username to take '94' out of it, that's MY NUMBER).--CannabisUser94 22:17, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
- Right, right. Thanks for letting me know to keep an eye on you. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:19, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
- Sycamore, it's alright, he can leave messages on my talk page. I rather enjoy stupid vandalism. But yeah, I'm not going to respond instantly to everything, or respond at all. Chill out. And I'm about to go check out the other stuff you've done: it better not be bad, or else, expect another ban. (If Syc hasn't already blacklisted you.) --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:49, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
- He's off for now (hopfully he'll change or do something else). He's been leaving a few comments like this. Hopfully the drama has "de-dramated" and normal non-activitiy can resume:)--Sycamore (Talk) 22:56, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, I was just about to report him on BP when you already had. I don't care if he vandalizes my talkpage, but it's others that I'm concerned about. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:59, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
- He's off for now (hopfully he'll change or do something else). He's been leaving a few comments like this. Hopfully the drama has "de-dramated" and normal non-activitiy can resume:)--Sycamore (Talk) 22:56, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
- Sycamore, it's alright, he can leave messages on my talk page. I rather enjoy stupid vandalism. But yeah, I'm not going to respond instantly to everything, or respond at all. Chill out. And I'm about to go check out the other stuff you've done: it better not be bad, or else, expect another ban. (If Syc hasn't already blacklisted you.) --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:49, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
ADOPT ME[edit]
ummm ya im new to this...ive written two articles but i want the help of a person who has been around the block for a while, im not too good with pictures either or formatting THANKS! please help! i dont even know how to do a signiture but my name is Yodel Monkey idk why it just is
- Alright, consider yourself adopted. You can put {{Adoptee|Mrmonkey72}} on your userpage to let people know I'm your adopter.
- As for signatures and formatting, you'd have to ask me specifics. However, if you want to read up about how to make a signature that's custom, like mine or others, go to UN:SIG. Otherwise, just writing out four tildes (the ~) sign will sign your username automatically for you. Formatting-wise, I strongly recommend just looking at the code of other pages when trying to figure something out for your own. It's what I did when I first joined and it's worked so far.
- Also, while I'm going to copy paste this into your talk just in case you don't already know, people usually respond to messages that you leave on their page.
- If you've got any other questions, feel free to ask. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 21:55, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
- Sweet cool thanks alot. Ima look into the signiture bit and put the adoptee thing on. Where do i talk to you from now on here or on my page? --Yodel monkey 00:07, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Just go for here, I suppose. So yeah. Go get to writing, and ask me when you have any questions, eh? --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 00:26, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- I think i got the indents down, and i have two complete, one on Myspace, even though there already is a good one there, and a rewrite of McDonalds so far, im going to work on another, but dont have any ideas. How do you get ideas for articles? --Yodel monkey 00:41, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Hm... how do you get ideas. Good question, I guess. Personally, I just sit back, listen to music, and think about stuff, trying to think of something that's funny. It helps when you're starting out to read the guides left in your welcome message so you know what's expected of you. You can write about anything, really, as long as you take a new spin on it. Just make sure that it's not being mad at something, those articles tend to get deleted. Think back for a while, find a whole idea that you think you can really write about, and then just sit back and do it. There's not really a method to the madness that is writing Uncyclopedia articles... but it's maybe easier than you think. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 00:49, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- I think i got the indents down, and i have two complete, one on Myspace, even though there already is a good one there, and a rewrite of McDonalds so far, im going to work on another, but dont have any ideas. How do you get ideas for articles? --Yodel monkey 00:41, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Alright well ill read through what you said, and start working on a new article. Do adopters usually check through their adoptees first ones or no? --Yodel monkey 01:02, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Well, you can ask for advice if you want it, and I'll warn you if you're doing anything dangerous/ban worthy. But I can't actually find the articles you're writing based on your contributions... are you creating them on that account, online? --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:08, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Alright well ill read through what you said, and start working on a new article. Do adopters usually check through their adoptees first ones or no? --Yodel monkey 01:02, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Im creating them on One Note (Microsoft Program), by the way, i had an idea of doing one on the perfect circle, is that a good idea? --Yodel monkey 01:31, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Depends. What are you going to say about the circle? Give me an idea of your whole concept, here. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:33, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Im creating them on One Note (Microsoft Program), by the way, i had an idea of doing one on the perfect circle, is that a good idea? --Yodel monkey 01:31, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Well it kinda shows how humans all suck and stuff kinda, and they arent perfect. If that makes sense because nobody can do it. Maybe expand on that a bit and make it more intricate --Yodel monkey 02:06, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- So it's about how people have tried in vain to draw the perfect circle, but all fail? Hm. I don't want to overly influence your article, but you could write it from the viewpoint of the circle, teasing your "reader" about how they can't draw it... until it realizes that a computer actually can. Anyway, however you decide to do it, yeah, that could work. Just make sure it's coherent and not totally random, and it should be fine. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 02:11, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Well it kinda shows how humans all suck and stuff kinda, and they arent perfect. If that makes sense because nobody can do it. Maybe expand on that a bit and make it more intricate --Yodel monkey 02:06, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Oh wow thats a really good idea, I like that alot. I will start working on it, how do i show it to you for checking? --Yodel monkey 02:18, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Well, if you think it's good enough to not get deleted, you can just create it as a page on here. Otherwise, you could copy and paste it into your userspace (at something like User:Yodel monkey/Perfect Circle) and then it's safe to work on without any unsolicited interference. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 02:30, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Awesome, i will definitely have something done on it by tomorow, i already have alot of ideas. I will use that userspace page to be safe to and tell you when it is done --Yodel monkey 02:42, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Alright im done kinda quick haha, if you click on the link you sent me you should see it, its not done and doesnt have a conclusion but has most of my ideas put simply and directly, please comment, dont be afraid to totally bash it because you might just think its stupid which is cool. --Yodel monkey 03:49, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- I'll take a closer look at it later today, but at first glance, it looks pretty good for a new user. I'll try and give you some suggestions on it (probably on its talk page) later. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 17:59, 6 December 2008 (UTC)
- Alright im done kinda quick haha, if you click on the link you sent me you should see it, its not done and doesnt have a conclusion but has most of my ideas put simply and directly, please comment, dont be afraid to totally bash it because you might just think its stupid which is cool. --Yodel monkey 03:49, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Awesome, i will definitely have something done on it by tomorow, i already have alot of ideas. I will use that userspace page to be safe to and tell you when it is done --Yodel monkey 02:42, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
- Alright thanks alot! No rush. --Yodel monkey 18:15, 6 December 2008 (UTC)
- Finished two more, both aren't completely done but if you could take a look it'd be nice, they can be found on my page. --Yodel monkey 18:15, 9 December 2008 (UTC)
- Alright, really sorry I haven't been around: school's coming up on finals and I've been really busy. I'll take a look at them today, though, for sure. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 21:34, 9 December 2008 (UTC)
- Finished two more, both aren't completely done but if you could take a look it'd be nice, they can be found on my page. --Yodel monkey 18:15, 9 December 2008 (UTC)
- Don't even worry about it its completely cool. Whenever you get to em is cool. --Yodel monkey 22:04, 9 December 2008 (UTC)
- Thanks alot, I understood what you meant with the Perfect Circle and Archery one, I didn't quite understand what you meant with the Opening a Jar one though, could you possibly tell me in a bit more detail about that?
- I will, but I'll make a new header to do so, this is getting ridiculous. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:04, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
Dear Yodel Monkey, I made a new header just for you.[edit]
In regards to the "Opening the Jar" bit, what I mean is that you should highly extend the instructions on how to open one. Since you're writing about something that is trivial to most people, one of the best things to do is make it seem extremely important. You've already started on the right path with the "safety warnings," work with those and just generally make it seem like opening the jar is a huge deal. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 22:04, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
- Haha thanks for the new header! And alright I will definitely do that. I think the Perfect Circle one is a bit too weak and Archery is too many not too funny one liners, so im just going to concentrate on the jar one. By the way, I have fixed up the last two sections of the jar one. If you think its good, I need to learn how to add pictures. --Yodel monkey 00:48, 11 December 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 4th December 2008 (yea, we know it's late)[edit]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
December 4th • Issue 27 • Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
Sycamore: How does he do it? An UnSignpost Special Investigation
But who is this masked Celt? Well, since changing identity from MMACKNIGHT in March 2008, he's racked up an impressive 18,000 edits (or he will have by the time this paper is actually delivered - it's hanging at 17.940-odd at the time of typing). Many of these edits have been thanklessly categorising pages, voting for deletion, reverting and ban patrolling - the kind of soul-crushing work, in other words, that would sap the will to live of the average individual, but not our Syc.
His efforts have not gone un-noticed. Indeed, he's been re-nommed for Uncuclopedian of the Month, even though he's already won the award. And despite the understandable reluctance of the non-existent cabal to swell their non-existent ranks, there is a small but significant groundswell of opinion gathering that this should be followed by the bestowing of a Banhammer on the cheery Caledonian.
All of this is interesting, of course, and handily fills up column inches in this week's issue, but it doesn't answer the burning question: how does he do it?Irn Bru are the fuel of choice of this salutary Scot, and it would appear that the chemical reaction of these two volatile substances in his bloodstream creates an energy level easily the equivalent of at least a small-to-medium Hadron Collider. This is sufficient to cause in him a state not unequivalent to that Scientific Holy Grail, perpetual motion. So there you go kids: that's how he does it!
Warning: Your safety-conscious UnSignpost would like to point out that Irn Bru is only known to have this beneficial effect on Scots. Those from less tartan countries would be advised to steer well clear - don't try this at home, kids!
From the Cabal's desk
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MrN9001 19:05, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
adopt me![citation needed][edit]
Can you adopt me?~ [Citation Needed is here. Let's talk.] 02:07, 8 December 2008 (UTC)
- Sure! Just add the {{adoptee|Mrmonkey72}} template to your userpage and it'll be all nice and official. Other than that, looks like you've already got a pretty firm grip on wiki formatting... well, if you need any help on anything, feel free to ask. Cheers, --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 21:40, 9 December 2008 (UTC)
- Should I also put {{adopter|Citation Needed}} at the bottom of your userpage? Oh, and I made a page where I'll put all my questions.~ [Citation Needed is here. Let's talk.] 02:38, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 11th December[edit]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
December 11th • Issue 28 • The truth, the whole truth, and nothing
Colin breaks #uncyclopedia
At approximately 7:01 EST, Colin "All your base" Heaney officially fucked everything up yet again. IRC was engaged in what started out as a naturally occurring, all-caps LOL train. However, being the little faggot that he is, Colin decided to join in, effectively making it not funny anymore. This reporter, being an expert witness in cases of dipshittery, quickly came to the conclusion that "Colin makes everything suck."
However, Uncyclopedia's resident shitstain did not stop there. He proceeded to incite bizarre and violent urges within members of IRC, causing them to commit unspeakable acts. This reporter, under Colin's influence, killed both of his parents; deadpidgeon and MrN9000 both became homosexuals as a result. Colin himself was then found to have been responsible for every case of unpleasantness throughout history: the Holocaust, 9/11, and abortion.
As other users unknowingly joined the channel-turned-warzone, they too fell victim to Colin's faggotry. Users were eventually transforming into furries and fucking each other with "furry Disney dicks" just before this reporter relocated to a safer distance. Needless to say, there is now sufficient evidence that everything stupid and gay and unfunny is, in fact, Colin's fault.
Chicks, man.
Hot Chicks. Just the words start your heart racing and your mumble mumble. Hot chicks have long failed to receive the ample, under-wire support they deserve here on Uncyc, and if it were not for one, soft-drink based, visionary noob, the femmes fatales of Uncyc would still be a saggy, wrinkly mess. Now all the babes, sexy ladies, foxy chicks, MILFs, and, yes, even magical anime girls, rest in the palm of your hand, throbbing with their new-found intellectual networking - WikiProject Hot Chicks. When asked how the aforementioned n00b came up with such a brilliant idea, he responded: "I don't know what UnSignpost is, my motivation for starting U[N]:WP Hot Chicks was because I thought it was rather humorous, I would like to be adopted, and in Soviet Russia, all your base are belong to YOU !!" (Doctapeppaman was promptly given a stern spanking for such irresponsible use of memes).
The project has already succeeded in tagging several sexy talk-pages with the WikiProject Hot Chicks seal, thereby rating them on a random and baseless scale from A- to D-Cup, and the project will most likely be a success, considering the high ratio of users to perverts present on the site. Perhaps, one day, the project will achieve its primary goal - making every article without enough pictures of scantily-clad women into an article about cheesecake.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MrN9001 21:10, 11 December 2008 (UTC)
Bat Fuck Insane[edit]
|This article is complete, irredeemable cheese. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, recollects at the spleen, and is an unfunny retard.
If you attempt to add this, you will most uncotrollably add Bat Fuck Insane yourself.
Or the submitter will add your cheese!!!!!!
I was working on the template to try to make it less of a reward to writing worthless random-assed bullshit. Right now, it looks too much like a statement to maintain the complete bullocks of an article as it with no improve. These type of templates are an impediment to rewrites and encourage VFD or QVFD style articles. Granted, I might have went to far in toning it down.--Mnbvcxz 19:30, 14 December 2008 (UTC)
- I can see how you would want to not encourage random-ass bullshit: and believe me, most of that crap does get deleted. However, there's the occasional time when such humor makes people laugh: I mean, AAAAA! has been tagged with BFI for ages, albeit, changed a little bit. Still, instead of changing templates, I have a better suggestion; if you find this template, placed on a really, just obnoxiously bad page, VFD it. Thing is, when BFI came up for deletion (just a month or so ago) people ran to protect it. It's sort of become a staple the way it is. So, just worry about individual pages instead of templates in general... most crap IP or newbie writers don't put it on their stuff anyway. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 20:59, 14 December 2008 (UTC)
- The problem isn't so much with the templates uglifiying the pages, it's that the templates encourage bad writing. This template basically says, "I wrote random ass bullshit, so I have myself this template as an award", which says to the noob, "maybe I should go out of my way to be random too." As you probably noticed, I did tone it down a little, I added that part about the author "being an unfunny [insert random insulting word], to hopefully maintain the template's humor value, while making it clear(-ish-er) that this is not illogicopedia.--Mnbvcxz 07:19, 19 December 2008 (UTC)
- Actually, I quite like your new version. I just didn't like the whole "random-ass bullshit" bit because that feels almost like a personal affront... however, the "unfunny author" is more subtle and still gets your point across. So, I'm happy with it the way it is. Hopefully, you are too. --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 17:54, 19 December 2008 (UTC)
- The problem isn't so much with the templates uglifiying the pages, it's that the templates encourage bad writing. This template basically says, "I wrote random ass bullshit, so I have myself this template as an award", which says to the noob, "maybe I should go out of my way to be random too." As you probably noticed, I did tone it down a little, I added that part about the author "being an unfunny [insert random insulting word], to hopefully maintain the template's humor value, while making it clear(-ish-er) that this is not illogicopedia.--Mnbvcxz 07:19, 19 December 2008 (UTC)
Such sympathy[edit]
"Awww... did somebody get their submissions deleted? Poor baby.."
Ahhh, you've won my heart. How about a big smooch? --Sir Reginald 21:07, 16 December 2008 (UTC)
- ...what is my mother doing on the internet?!?!? --Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 23:01, 16 December 2008 (UTC)
- Nawww, silly monkey. But your mum does think that you spend too much time on the internet. Perhaps you should trade some of the clicks at the keyboard for toe tapping terpsichore? Your humble mentor, Sir Reginald 17:48, 18 December 2008 (UTC)
On the Quote template[edit]
This is in regard to your suggestion of VFD that the Quote template should be disabled for noobs. I was going to post this on VFD, but decided against it since the voting was closed and the comment is rather verbose. First off, I don't that isn't possible, the wiki system isn't very good at giving and withholding privileges. For example, the poopsmiths don't have extra privileges to edit the VFD page, the policy against regular members from editing it is enforced solely by the ban hammer.
Second, even if it did work, anything that can be done with templates can be done with code. So anyone with any wiki skills whatsoever could get around any template restrictions by cutting and pasting code.
Third, even if the ip wasn't smart enough to copy and paste the code, he could always create quotes other ways. Is:
"I iz teh ghey, lol."
any worse than
"I iz teh ghey, lol." - Oscar Wilde on being teh ghey
"I iz teh ghey, lol." - Oscar Wilde on being teh ghey
or hopefully not
{{Q|I iz teh ghey, lol.|Oscar Wilde|being teh ghey}}
Even if it it were possible, all it would do is uglify the wiki even more, (the only thing worse than bad templates in unformatted text) although I do see you concern with template spamming.--Mnbvcxz 07:13, 19 December 2008 (UTC)
Happy Hanukkah[edit]
A FESTIVUS FOR THE RESTOFUS![edit]
|Happy Festivus, from The Led Balloon and Jerry Stiller. Put up your Festivus Pole, air your grievances, and prepare for the feats of strength, for festivus cannot continue until I am pinned! Oh, and merry Christmas if you're into that sort of thing.
|It's a Festivus miracle!
- P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 20:50, Dec 21
Tis' The Season[edit]
During this season...[edit]
- Yeah Happy/Merry whatever you believe/ride off to get presents from us at the Church of Assholes Who Make Fun of Churches of Assholes --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 13:40, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
Here's Your Christmas Tree[edit]
----Pleb- Sawblade5 [coolest link ever] ( yell | FAQ | I did this ) 08:48, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
Yeah Yeah[edit]
Santa is watching you shower, <insert name here>
Thank you for voting.[edit]
Thank you for voting.
Thank you all for voting me your Writer of the Month for December 2008, despite my rather long winded speech half-telling you not to while still being whore enough to accept the award anyways. Enjoy this pretty template styled after my pretty new userpage as your payment, as per our previous agreement. Much love, —Sir SysRq (talk) 22:49, 1 January 2009 (UTC)
Yet Another Award[edit]
|You voted for UnNews:New Range of Low-Tech Personal Music Players Released on VFH
which entitles you to this FREE copy of the 1921 hit single I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
by Brigadier Billy Bell-Ende and his Jazz Rhythm Orchestra
which is only slightly scratched.
With Great Appreciation[edit]
--13:48, 2 January 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 1st January 2009[edit]
The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!
January 1st, 2009 • Issue 29 • The first newspaper to wish you a Happy Christmas 2009!
The UnSignpost starts 2009 as it ended 2008: Late
Several readers were probably available for comment, but we didn't ask them anything and blatantly made one up: "it wouldn't be the UnSignpost if it arrived on time", Orian57 might have said, if we'd asked him.
The Patronising New Year EditorialTM
From this we can infer that Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption didn't have a clue what he was on about - hope is a ridiculous thing, and should be crushed as soon as possible. However, there is still the possibility, however remote, that something good might happen. Active users might start writing more good articles again. VFH might start to flow like it used to. Old users may return, invigorated, to bestow upon us fresh fruits of their imaginations. New users may arrive to take up the baton, and stride boldly forward, blessing us with a wealth of new articles that inject fresh purpose and impetus to the site.
Don't look like that - it might happen.
Well, monkeys might also fly out of your butt. Depends if teleportation technology ever becomes viable, widely available, and small enough to secure in such a narrow location.
Face it, we haven't a clue what this year holds for us yet, folks, all we can do is try and make it the best we can by writing more articles, and helping new users out, and see where we go from there. This is your UnSignpost, patronising the fuck out of you. Happy New Year!
Kevin Rudd says Uncyclopedia is the worst
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MrN9001 01:00, 3 January 2009 (UTC)
I'm BACK! ;)[edit]
...And after some time at the state mental institution I'm ready to cooperate with ya 100%!--CannabisUser94 01:37, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 8th January 09[edit]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
January 8th, 2009 • Issue 30 • Suckling the Milk of News from the Teat of Truth
Uncyclopedians on Xbox Live
The following is an actual transcript between me (under the alias "Pope Gustav") and Orian57 (under the alias "Orian57") on Xbox Live.
This is stunning evidence that Orian57, along with others, is leaving the site for the glamorous life of Xbox Live. When confronted with this transcript and these accusations, Orian replied that "I was just on Uncyclopedia today. I was just bored and wanted something else to do." Oddly enough, all of the other Uncyclopedians that have Xbox Live accounts that I spoke to also claimed to have "lives" outside of Uncyclopedia, lives that mainly consist of playing Halo 3.
Article gets +21 votes on VFH
Only a few days after going back to featuring "Today's Featured Article" for only one day, instead of the previous two, the article, The defense rests, your honor received 21 "for" votes and no "against" after a mere 3 days on VFH. The article, nominated on VFH by SysRq, and written by noted admin Modusoperandi, is the first article surpass +20 votes in a long while on VFH. Upon hearing of his accomplishment, Modus is heard to have said, "I'd like to thank all of the little people that I crushed to get where I am," and, "Can I wear my Kernel Popcorn costume?" SysRq, the article nominator is quoted as saying, "I was the one who nommed that article; I deserve some recognition."
For those of you are new around here, VFH is the process by which uncyclopedia nominates articles for "Today's Featured Article", the article in the top left corner on the mainpage. All users of uncyclopedia, including anonymous ip users are encouraged to vote on VFH and nominate articles on VFH. VFH can be found here, but typing in VFH in the search box, by clicking the "Votes for Highlight" link under the community links on the right (it's second from the bottom between "Pee Review" and "Votes for Pictures"), and Uncyclopedia:VFH, in addition to several other redirects.
Many users have expressed approval of this accomplishment, as the more votes an article gets, the better an article is. Therefore, by voting on an article, one injects more quality into an article, in the same way that manufacturers "inspect" quality back into a finished part. Additionally, the admins will not longer be forced to torture various cute animals to inspire users to vote in VFH: provided VFH doesn't stall out again.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MrN9001 16:01, 9 January 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 15th January[edit]
The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
January 15, 2009 • Issue 31 • Making the New York Times look like Mad Magazine (or is that the other way round?)
From The Desk of the Cabal: Incest and sex change are now bannable offenses
Following the sex change operations of citizen (now citizeness) Yettie, and several suspicious sexual activities in the Uncyclopedia compound, the Cabal hereby decrees the following:
Thank you citizens, this message was not delivered by the Cabal which does not exist. Behave nice, vote on VFH and obey the Cabal. The Cabal is your friend. Or it would be. If it existed.
Pee Revuu?
UU himself dismissed such fears, pointing out that he's got nothing better to do with his time than arbitrarily judge the quality of other people's opinions anyway, and adding "I'm relieved to be taking up this position as it will drastically reduce the number of reviews I'm expected to do. Also, I'm thinking of introducing a policy of stripping Orian57, and only him, of his RotM award, his rank, his mittens and his right to drink hot chocolate ever again unless he does a bloody review some time soon".
However, some users are still not convinced this is a good idea, or even possible. One, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "I seriously doubt that UU can do Boomer's job and his own at the same time. I mean, how can he be accused of being a lazy arse if he has almost twice as many good pee reviews as anyone else and does 75% of the pee review maintenance tasks? This ruins the running pee review committee in-joke about Captain Catheter not doing anything. There is no way this can work."
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MrN9001 21:30, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
You like comic books right? I'm actually not that versed in comics to be an expert for this article. If you can think of some additions/cliche's that should be included, add away.-- 19:46, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
oh no, you di'int![edit]
Hey MrMonkeyman, our article is doing pretty well on the top 10 voting. You oughtta vote for it too. That is, if you're into that sort of thing... --S0.S0S.0S.0S0 00:13, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
- Hey, it ended up ranking in at #7! (tied with like 3 others) However, unlike the other nine top 10 articles, it was not shown on the main page. I was like "Shit, bitch!" --S0.S0S.0S.0S0 01:49, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
Where are you?[edit]
I know I fucked around with you a lot in the past, but seriously, you haven't responded to anyone in a while... Are you still around?-CannabisUser94 22:59, 30 January 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 22 + 7 (+1) January[edit]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
January 22 + 7, 2009 • Issue 32 • Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while
Zionists consolidate wiki power
Yeah the st-story is, erm, about Mr Mor-Mordillo's erm asce-ascent—rise to new power. He was, eh, pr-promoted to erm, Be-Beu- Bureaucrat? Which, erm, me-means he can- can now do- do th-things he cou-couldn't d-d-do b-before; Kind-kind of like m-my pro-pro-promotion. Heh-heh, th-that was a j-jo-joke.
S-some Un-Uncyclope-Uncyclopedians th-think this p-p-proves s-s-s-something abou-about so-some s-sort of J-Je-Jewish, erm, conspiracy. Or-or something, I-I'm n-not really sh-sh-sure why that was meant to be funny. Pro-pro-probably was-was-wasn't. So-sorry.
Th-the decision ca-came about b-b-because of th-the fuh-fuh-forum voting process in-in-initiated b-by Under—Under user wh-who was u-u-upset tha-that Bureaucrat C-C-Codeine had decided to leave.
After s-some ti-time voting it-it was d-d-decided that Mordillo w-w-would become a Bureaucrat and that C-C-C-Codeine wasn't leaving a-a-after all! Which was g-g-good.
M-M-Mordillo di-didn't ma-make a c-c-comment s-so I-I've b-been told t-to make one u-up. Erm, "Ha ha ha! N-Now you-you're all un-under my thumb!" Or something, that that wasn't really f-funny ei-either. Sorry, M-Mordillo, it-it's not my W-words!
Image:Do a jailbait.jpg Determined to be a Shemale
To the relief of Uncyclopedians everywhere, notorious image "Do a jailbait" has been scientifically proven not be a girl. Originally, many suspected that the disturbing and disturbingly attractive image was that of young girl: age estimates ranging from jail bait age down to "pedo-bear approves" age. However, due to much "research" on the internet regarding the appearance shemales who are just over the age of consent, it has been determined that said image was in fact a young shemale. Researchers said the hairy arms and the huge penis of the lady in question proved without reasonable doubt that the image can not be that of a girl.
Many in the Uncyclopedia community were relived by the news. Orian57 in particular who stated the child was "quite sexy.", on the image talk page, was relieved to find he could no longer be considered bisexual.
Some worry about the continuing freedom of Sockpuppet of an unregistered user after his comment: "I don't care. Me wanna rape!"
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MrN9001 02:28, 31 January 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 5th February 2009[edit]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
February 5, 2009 • Issue 33 • It's Journalism Jim, but not as we know it.
The 'of the Year' run down of the year!
So after a long neurotic month of blatant prostitution, secret e-mail canvassing, bribery and coercion in deciding who should win the various 'of the Year' awards (plus a completely normal five days of knowing who did) the results are in!
UotY: Mordillo! Nominated (but not voted for) by UU with the reason "[he does] the big bad wolf stuff to keep fuckwits at bay.". 21 Jew jokes later ("Jew that controls the internet", "I feel I have to vote for him" and "I love this man. To the point that his girlfriend is seriously distraught by it") Mordillo was the landslide victor a whole 12 votes ahead of the runner up, UU! And he deserved it too (though to be frank I deserved it more)!
Our WotY was Modusoperandi! Narrowly beating Mhaille by 2 votes he was nominated by UU with the reasoning "…Tends to brighten my day whenever I see him, although that could be the light reflecting off his gleaming naked body." Another 19 Canadian jokes ( "this silly Canadian", "I never would have thought that casting a vote would be so painful as this" and "Modus is like maple syrup. On the outside he's all golden, sweet and sticky. On the inside however, he's all golden, sweet and sticky") won him the award! (though to be frank I would have appreciated it more!)
Next up was our winner of PotY, Prettiestpretty! She was nominated (but not voted for) by Mhaille because she is the "producer of some very impressive work" and has won the PotM twice! 18 girl jokes later ("such a foregone conclusion", "She's earned this and then some" and "Unlike most people here, I'm actually going to give a reason for voting for PP. I'm even going to write two sentences explaining the reason.") she deservedly won the award which she herself designed. (I don't even know how to use MS paint but I'd still like to have been acknowledged).
There was also an impromptu N00b of the Year award created that Rcmurphy ran off with. He was nominated by Spang with the reason "He really deserves it this time" and received 12 N00b jks ("How can you be a year old and still be a noob without being rcmurphy", "He's still confused too" and "[Hyperbole is] regularly here and dangerously competent. Rc remains the quintessential n00b"). (*grumble* I started lurking in 2007…)
Lastly and leastly there was the UGotY which was awarded to Wikia. Nominated by Mhaille with the reason "Wikia continue to raise the bar on defining what it means to be a Useless Gobshite". He/she/it got 5 jokes that I don't properly understand ("As much as I'd like to see Yettie take this, Wikia is both more useless and far more of a gobshite", "it's rare to see such dedication to gobshitery" and "Outstanding contributions to fail."). (Ok so I'm not bitter about loosing this.)
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 03:13, Feb 5
Final attempt at contact[edit]
If you are still here, respond to this section or someone else, otherwise, you will be declared Missing In Action within 3 days.--CannabisUser94 05:25, 6 February 2009 (UTC)
- YOU HAVE BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED MIA.--CannabisUser94 15:55, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
Mrmonkey72 is around until he says otherwise. If you need help ask at the village dump, or find and admin, or affix {{Help}}. Since I'm about, is there anything you need?--Sycamore (Talk) 16:51, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 12th February 2009[edit]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
February 12, 2009 • Issue 34 • Mainlining news direct to your talk page artery
Worrying influx of n00bs a threat to Uncyc's "worst" status
Worse still, many of these new arrivals show early signs of being dangerously competent: writing funny articles; giving in-depth pee reviews; voting on stuff; helping folks out - generally making the kind of contributions that could, if the community is not careful, lead to the site losing its coveted "worst" status.
Experienced editors queued up to condemn the invasion - "Very happy to see the influx in good new editors coming in, we've been devoid of that extra boost for far too long it seems" said RAHB, the bile seething from his every pore, while MrN spoke scathingly about "great additions to Uncyc".
But is it too late? With competition for the NOTM award at its most fierce for months (4 noms and none of them Rcmurphy at the last count), it looks like it may be too late to reject this transfusion of new blood. Is there any hope for the long-term future of the proud traditions of the wiki under this relentless onslaught of new talent?
A comment on Bullshit from MrN
I think that speaks for itself. Got it? So basically, we want more bullshit, some horse shit, and a liberal helping of complete bollocks. But NO CRAP. Unless it's crap which adds to the general stench of the article in question (assuming that stinking is what we want). Got it now? Well, look at it this way... There was a man who had three wives. No, that was Moses. Oh, so Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and says: "Well, lads. I got him down to ten, but adultery is still in." No wait. Sorry, that was complete bollocks. I'm drifting into the realms of pointless excrement, and what does this have to do with anything? Don't tell them that! So what was it I was talking about again? Oh, yea... Does anyone know where I left my slippers?
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 20:45, Feb 11
UnSignpost 19th February2009[edit]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
February 19, 2009 • Issue 35 • Sifting the flour of news into the soufflé of your talk page
Uncyclopedia shuns ads in favor of product placement
Uncyclopedia admins today announced that there would most definitely never be advertisements placed in the hallowed halls of yon humor wiki. However, it seems in order to rake in the cash that would have resulted from these ads, similar to raking in the flavor from KFC's new Turkey-Flavored ChickenTM, we will instead be treated to subtle product placement in every facet of Uncyclopedia.
The driving force behind this decision is undoubtedly greed. The driving force behind the new Ford ExplorerTM is Jack Bauer. Catch 24 this Sunday on FOX! Jack Bauer drives a Ford! When asked for Uncyclopedia's official political stance on the matter, sysop TheLedBalloon said, "You can't fool me Jimmy Carter! I voted for Gerald Ford in the last election and I'm DAMN PROUD OF IT! You can't intimidate me with your 'pretending to be the newspaper reporter but actually being Jimmy Carter in disguise who will then detain me for several months of waterboarding hell' routine--fool me once, shame on you; fool my twice, shame on me...", which only added more fuel to the fire of speculation surrounding this occurence. For the best value fuel, visit Egan's SunocoTM.
The mood in the Uncyclopedia break room was sombre today. Several users expressed their concern about not having ads placed on the wiki. "What? No ads? But how will we make money?" asked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user. It seems the secret of product placement has been kept under wraps by the non-existant Cabal. For the best quality cling-wrap, choose Crestfield Wax PaperTM. When asked for the reason behind the secrecy, TheLedBalloon further elaborated on his earlier statement, saying, "FORD WAS RIGHT TO PARDON NIXON, DAMMIT! So take your goddamn liberal hippy goddamn elitist goddamn tax-raisings somewhere else!" Readers are reminded that Williams BrandTM is the preferred brand of hippy elitist tax-raisings by a 2-to-1 margin. Please stay tuned to the UnSignpost for further updates on the ad situation, the product placement situation, and how really, really terrible all of our articles are going to look with trademark tags mucking up the line spacing.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 18:07, Feb 19
UnSignpost 26th February 09[edit]
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
February 26, 2009 • Issue 36 • Picking the poppy seeds of truth from the teeth of the news
Imperial Coloni(s|z)ation For Glorification of Motherwiki
Imperial Colonization made yet another triumphant return this week, after several months of languishing, inactivity, and Richard Nixon. Upon a general query from an annoying masked UnSignpost writer, another anonymous user stepped up and took control. That anonymous user is SysRq.
Forums were created, ideas were exchanged, and the Cajek search party was sent out again. Only the last one was in vain, as an all-new Colonisation page was rolled out last week. Uncyclopedians wasted no time in signing up and nominating their first target: the utter garbage pile that was Al Gore. Previously containing banal tripe such as Manbearpig references, internet invention claims, lockbox bollocks, and other assorted drivel, the article is now, according to an official Colonization spokesman, "well on its way to not sucking."
Future Colonisations have been lined up as well, leading this reporter to believe that this time around, Colonization is here to stay, even moreso that Manforman or the Poison Pee template. It looks as if the article on Jews is next on the Colonisation docket, since all articles relating to that topic are "utter bilge, consumed with hateful pointlessness and also secretly controlled by Jews."
British Infiltration of Non-Existent Cabal Continues at VFS
The early opping was due to two factors, firstly, an unprecedented landslide, with two candidates polling so many votes that the final round was rendered an irrelevance, and secondly, new 'crat Mordillo being impatient to use his whizzy new powers to op the new admins before Codeine or Mhaille beat him to it.
The most votes were polled by MrN9000, and your USP can't think of a more deserving recipient of a shiny new banstick. He's already thrown himself into his new role with gusto, banning, deleting, featuring and the like with gusto, and proudly declaring "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing", thus showing he has as much grasp of the role already as any other admin.
The numbers were made up by fellow limey Under user, who has been keen to get started using his whizzy new powers, but has been limited to mainly joke bans so far by MrN's astounding competence and annoying habit of doing all the work. UU was unavailable for comment (which is odd, seeing as he's writing this), but his wife had this to say: "you bastards! Do you have any idea what you've done? I'll be lucky to see him for more than about half an hour a week now!" She wasn't joking.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 11:23, Feb 26
UnSignpost 5th March 09[edit]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
March 5, 2009 • Issue 37 • The News, Smelted to 93% Purity!
New parser causes havoc by requiring Uncyclopedians to get things right
Resident tame Wikia staffer Sannse tried to explain: "bad HTML is the most likely cause of errors. But there are some other changes that might cause errors. For example, the way that some complex parser tags work has changed. The best thing to do is to look for HTML problems first (not forgetting that the errors are often in templates used on the page). Then, if you can't find it, hassle anyone you know who knows HTML and wikimarkup better than you (nah, not going to link some poor guy). Then, if you can't find it, hassle me to find help (Uberfuzzy is on standby to assist where needed). Again I'd suggest that the template author should be the person who knows how to make it work!"
Most Uncyclopedians had already gone cross-eyed by this point, but she gamely continued: "Don't forget that you can use Special:ParserDiffTest as a help in finding exactly what's different on a page. A lot of the changes don't mean anything. For example, on this page the only differences are to class and section titles. But this one shows problems with center and div tags (the last two green sections on the div)".
Your USP offers the following, less confusing advice: if you open any kind of tag in html like <this>, you have to close it again, like </this> before the end of your page. And if you open more then one tag, be sure to close them in the right order <like><this></this></like>. Then shit should not get fucked up.
The gnomes were unavailable for comment.
February '... of the Month' Awards Hoedown
Well, February is over, and that means it's time to look back at the shortest month of the year and make fun of people who won awards during that month, for they have only won 90.32% as much recognition as those who won the award during a robust 31-day month. Let's get started with...
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 13:55, Mar 6
UnSignpost 12th March 09[edit]
All your readers are belong to us
March 10th, 2009 • Issue 38 • Mucking up your talk page, one issue at a time
WE ARE DOOMED! Head for the hills, Uncyclopedia users, there's nothing that can save us now! As of this morning, we NO LONGER EXIST!!! Now, if you are reading this, you may be thinking to yourself, "why, that Gerry fellow is quite mad. Since I am reading the UnSignpost now, then both I and Uncyclopedia must still exist." To this i say to you: THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. Furthermore, it is also WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK THEY THINK YOU THINK.
Reactions were mixed today at the wiki. Some theorized that uncyclopedia.wikia.com was, in fact, sinking. In response to this, the women (all 3 of them) and children were loaded onto lifeboats and fired out of the lifeboat-cannon, in hopes that they would land far away enough from the landlocked Uncyc as to find a body of water. Other preparations included the Cajek string quartet playing rousing versions of traditional ship-sinking music.
While it might seem rash for an official non-cabal-run periodical to endorse panic, the UnSignpost urges all Uncyclopedia users to abandon all reason and logic in an attempt to save themselves. The best course of action is most likely the one that involves the maximum amount of screaming, arm-flailing, and general insanity. The Uncyclopedia Store is likely to be looted quickly, so be sure to stop by early to maximize you chances at getting the best stuff.
Count to a Million: Update
Uncyclopedians have continued their brave foray into the dangerous world of numbers, today reaching the long-awaited benchmark of 3,239. The constitutes nearly 1/300th of the total goal, meaning we are 0.32% of the way there! Users were overjoyed, confused, and generally apathetic about the achievement.
Since its inception on February 20th, 2008, many different counters, or 'c-ters' as they refer to themselves, have contributed to the project. The content of the countup has varied greatly, from battleships to cartoon characters to road signs, and yet never deviating very far away from pornography. At any rate, it seems Uncyclopedia admin and Chair of the Committee to Investigate and Eliminate Needless Committees Spang's experiment to destroy the internet has not succeeded...yet.
The project has advanced at a rate of 8.39 numbers per day, a respectable clip considering the enormous effort involved in adding the next number in the sequence. At this brisk clip, the project will reach completion at 18:45 UT on June 24, 2334. Until that day, Uncyclopedians can only hope, dream, and continue in the increasingly difficult task of adding one to a moderately large number.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 21:37, Mar 13
Where are you?[edit]
-Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 14:41, 14 March 2009 (UTC)
- Thats what I've been asking for 2 months now. I'm starting to think he may be in... The Twilight Zone--CannabisUser94 23:36, 15 March 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 19th March[edit]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
March 19th, 2009 • Issue 39 • Committed to both Bringing You The News and The Happywood Insane Asylum
Forum topic created; Modusoperandi posts witty response
At a certain point this week, a relatively green uncyclopedian posed a rather ill-advised question on one of the Forums quaintly known to patrons of this silly wiki as the 'Village Dump'. A few seconds after the aforementioned certain point this week, resident cheek-tonguer Modusoperandi responded by intentionally misinterpreting the meaning of the question, twisting the querist's words, taking advantage of some sort of delicious pun, or otherwise causing mischief in the usually serious, informative Forum.
Reactions were, as usual, mixed in the community. Several anonymous users were outraged at the lack of tact and formality displayed by the wily Modus. "Uncyclopedia is serious business," said one pitchfork-wielding mob participant. "We would descend into total anarchy if it weren't for the court system, the press, the boron smelting plant, and the sanctity of our information distribution system." Other users seemed to support the flashing of rapier wit, claiming "if we can't laugh a little, then what's the point? Without humor, we'd end up in hell like all those poor souls who lived before Jesus invented comedy in 23 A.D."
Modusoperandi himself declined to comment on the situation, only offering this brief reply to a query seeking a comment: "She told me that she was eighteen. She also told me that she human and was not, in fact, a bonobo. If you have any other questions, please direct them to my law firm; Alan, Whitcomb, Silverstein & Bonobo." It seems the elusive Mr. Operandi is free to continue in his forum havoc-wreaking, as nobody has stepped up to officially denounce his actions. All bonobos involved were unavailable for comment.
This week the Uncyclopedia community was outraged to learn that the UnSignpost, which recently received a Wikia bailout, will be giving hefty bonuses to the very dunderheads responsible for driving the periodical into the ground in the first place. The extremely active Uncyclopedia Senate has vowed that action will be taken against the editors set to receive the lucrative bonuses. It may be possible that they will be blocked from editing or even exiled to another wiki.
Uncyclopedians were, for the most part, outraged. Popular user Mnbvcxz had an unrelated statement quote-mined by an UnSignpost journalist to produce the following comment:"I[...]is[...]finished," a possible indication that he will leave the site in protest of the bonuses. The founders of the newspaper refused comment, as they want nothing to do with it anymore, and true to that mission this reporter was chased off the the grounds of the Cajek mansion by bunnies wearing bee costumes. The current editors were hounded, with Under user having this to say: "I don't think there have been any "comically large" bonuses paid out. There have simply been adequate contractual remunerations allocated to key staff to reward their loyalty and unstinting efforts. Every penny of these almost insignificant amounts is richly deserved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to buy a large yacht and fill a swimming pool with cash to float it on." Gerrycheevers was absolutely unavailable at press time.
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MnbvcxzBot 05:21, 20 March 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 26th March 09[edit]
The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH
March 26th, 2009 • Issue 40• Spooning the Soggy Vegetables of Truth from the Luke-warm Soup of the News
MrN's banstick stuck in "on" position
Popular admin, underwear enthusiast and raconteur MrN9000 has gone on a ban-rampage unprecedented in the recent history of the wiki. Seemingly keen to win his first bastard admin award, the conscientious custodian has already banned more people this month than all the other admins combined.
The other admins rallied bravely, with even Spang being seen to ban someone (only his third of the year) as they tried to show they were not now completely surplus to requirements. However, even as this story was typed, MrN banned another 3 vandals, rendering their efforts ultimately futile.
Speculation that he is trying to ban more people on an individual basis than Hinoa managed in one go when he banned the whole of Italy cannot be confirmed or denied at the time of going to press.
When asked about his phenomenal spree, MrN said "What do all these buttons with "Ban" written on them do? I keep pushing them, but nothing appears to happen". Banning legend Mordillo, when asked for a comment on MrN's ban excesses, said "I believe the man is a menace, and danger to society. I believe he should be castrated, quartered, hanged, torched and his ashes should be scattered over France. I believe he should burn in hell for all eternity. What? Do I feel pity about all those who he banned? Fuck no, I didn't have anyone to ban because of the bastard!"
Uncyclopedia now famous
In a totally unexpected development, Uncyclopedia has officially earned the worldwide recognition it has longed for since its inception. On the website digg.com, all internet content is sorted and ranked by coolness, similar to the process found in many middle schools. It seems Uncyc's page on spam has reached sufficient 'cool' status as to cause the rest of the site to become invited to the "cool kid's lunch table", along with theonion.com and cracked.com.
Reactions were unusually mixed today in the Uncyclopedia break room. When asked what it's like to suddenly be cool, Optimuschris said, "shit, I'll let you know when I find out." Another user, DrStrange, was asked for a comment, and promptly responded "comment duly delivered!" Clearly, popularity has already gone to Uncyclopedians' heads, as such chippy responses are rarely seen. Uncyclopedians have become too cool for school. When asked for comment regarding adding a sentence to the end of this article to extend its length and make this week's UnSignpost look pretty, Gerrycheevers said, "bugger off."
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 01:42, Mar 28
UnSignpost 2nd April 09[edit]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
April 5th, 2009 • Issue 41 • In the fashion of Illogicopedia, the only Newspaper that will cure a diet coke!
Due to high operational costs and "the community being a bunch of gits", the nefarious Uncyclopedia overlords at Wikia shut down the comedy wiki yesterday. This resulted in much confusion, outrage, and blundering about in the dark. When asked to comment about the situation, Orian57 said, "No, because you'll actually put what I say into the paper, and last time you made me look really stupid. Although it is a tad inconvenient. And what do you mean 'Cabal'?" It should be noted that Orian is both exceedingly intelligent and unbearably attractive, and there most certainly is not a cabal of any kind.
Other users seemed to have been expecting this for some time. Necropaxx had this to say: "Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long for Wikia to do this. We Uncyclopedians have been total jerks for far too long. I suggest we all go to Wikia and give Jimbo Wales a nice big "We're sorry" and hope he's feeling generous." This editor took this advice to mean that we should vandalize Wikipedia furiously, and redirected their page on Karma to Coincidence.
At press time, Uncyclopedia still did not exist, and many in the community expressed doubt that the Wikia Council would ever reinstate the site. With the recent drama over the domain change, and the promise of ads descending swiftly into every corner and crevasse of our wiki, we seem to be simply too much trouble to be bothered with. This reporter considers it to be good while it lasted, and offeres up a toast to the good old days of Uncyclopedia.
Image of Dog Holding Paper, not used in UnSignpost for over Nine Months, Makes Glorious Return to UnSignpost
This reporter is proud to say that, after being absent from the UnSignpost for over nine months, our lovable mascot "DogNewspaper" has returned to grace this periodical once again. DogNewspaper made his debut in the second issue of the UnSignpost, which covered such stories as 'UnSignpost created' and 'Uncyclopedia is the worst'. After bringing you the second story in issues 2 through 5, DogNewspaper was promoted to "top dog", and accompanied the lead story for four issues in June 2008.
DogNewspaper took an extended hiatus after Issue 9 to "see the world" and, more urgently, "sniff the world". After many exciting adventures, our mascot is back to stay, and will likely be used many more times in the coming months in what editor Gerrycheevers referred to as "blatant space-filler. DogNewspaper can take a story and squish it to the left side of the page, extending its length. Now get off my lawn!" DogNewspaper declined to comment, but did wag his tail enthusiastically before rolling over in an effort to have his belly scratched.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 17:54, Apr 2
UnSignpost April 9/10th, 2009[edit]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
April 9th, 2009 • Issue 42• We Give the In-jokes Recycling Center 90% of Their Business!
Cabalists Decide Cabal Membership At Adequate Amount, Deny Existence of Cabal
Uncyclopedia administrators this week decried the lack of need for new recruits, as they are wholly confident in their ability to secretly control the wiki from behind a moth-eaten curtain. On the voting page, which this reporter will probably be banned for pointing out to the common folk, the current cabal members expressed their desire to see more normal non-admins, or 'normies', be involved with the recent changes page. However, the option for another member being inducted into the cabal was declined, as things like the ban patrol and the Cajek Alert System seem to be running just fine, thank you very much.
Cabalists were adamant about their opinions. RAHB had the following to say: "I cannot confirm the non-existence of the non-existent cabal, being that it does not exist, and I'm no Harry Potter-reading fantasy boy. I can however confirm the existence of puppies. THEY'RE ADORABLE!" The non-existence of the cabal was further emphasized by Mordillo who declined comment when approached as he was leaving the Secret Cabal Headquarters & Tiki Lounge.
Experts were skeptical of the existence of the cabal, but point out that nothing should be ruled out. "Woof," said UnSignpost political correspondent DogNewspaper (pictured), citing the low level of vandalism and general dickery since the recent opping of Under user and MrN9000, who have become known to Uncyclopedians as "The Redcoats".
Co-Creator of UnSignpost Introduces New Creation
Dr. Skullthumper, co-founder of the very newspaper you are reading right now, has unrolled his newest creation, the NetBar. UnSignpost editors were too busy and ridden with jealousy to investigate the nature of this new invention, but our technology correspondant DogNewspaper (pictured) was willing to speculate on the new gadget. "Bark bark," he proclaimed, elaborating that this new thing is most likely some sort of candy bar or online tavern.
This is not the first time the good doctor has abandoned the UnSignpost to work on other equally trivial projects. Fnoodle, disguised as a harmless spellcheck wiki-bot, is actually a perfect one-eight replica of Skull. This entity has nearly 20,000 edits, mostly vandalisms of pages in Thekillerfroggy's userspace. However, Fnoodle has sat abandoned in the doctor's sandbox since last October, since all of said doctor's time recently has been poured into his new project, the NetBar.
Uncyclopedians had mixed reactions today. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user had this to say: "Cabal? What cabal? There is no cabal." A gathering in the Uncyclopedia break room formed, with users misguidedly attempting to ward off squirrels with the NetBar. When reached for comment, Dr. Skullthumper said, "What's an UnSignpost?"
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Hand-delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 22:44, 9 April 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost April 16th, 2009[edit]
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
April 16th, 2009 • Issue 43 • It's News Because We Tell You It Is
Latest Poo Lit Leads to Quality Flood on VFH
The first article nominated to VFH from the competition also came with a bold prediction by one numbskull, who questioned his existence if Karl Lagerfeld did not receive 20 For. votes. At 03:57, 11 April 2009 the 20th For vote was cast by Thekillerfroggy and it's safe to say that the author of this instant Uncyclopedia classic should be considered the overall champion with his three entries garnering him two first place articles and one second place finish. Unscrupulous Unsignpost reporters
One of our winners was not only a perfect 1/1 by winning the best rewrite category with Money but Sycamore also received the vaunted Writer of the Month trophy for March 2009!
A user that happens to wander in and write us an offering on occasion claimed a share of first place in the alternative namespace category with the UnNews article Obama unveils education reform plans. Monika should drop in more often!
Worst 100 of the Year Stumbles to 10 Things
There are several schools of thought as to why this situation has been allowed to arise. One gaining currency among quite literally possibly some Uncyclopedians is that everyone on the site is so busy producing quality material that they just don't have time to devote to such frivolities. However, the continued existence and rate of progress of Forum:Count to a million neatly quashes that theory. Another hypothesis advanced by as many as no or fewer people is that precisely nothing of any interest to anyone has happened, either on this wiki or on the interwebs in general this year. However, while this is significantly more likely than the first theory, the generally accepted explanation seems to be that, quite simply and predictably, Uncyclopedia is the worst.
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Hand-delivered by —Sir Sockpuppet Of An Unregistered User 18:46, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 23rd April 09[edit]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
April 23rd, 2009 • Issue 44 • Spamming Your Talkpage Since 2008
Conservation Week Largely Ignored By UnCommunity
Uncyclopedia is currently halfway through its bi-annual (semi-annual?) rewriting extravaganza, lovingly referred to as Conservation Week. Every six months, members of this silly wiki partake in the practice of pruning, hacking, nurturing, feeding, and otherwise bothering the 'trees' of the site, which is the running metaphor for 'article'. From the greatest feature machine to the lowliest n00b, everyone can participate in Conservation Week by simply finding a sub-par article and making it better via trimming or adding content, or just plain magic.
However, our special investigator DogNewspaper (pictured) has discovered that this so-called Rewrite-a-Thon is not the all-encompassing entity it is meant to be. In fact, normal operations such as VFD, VFH, and the Cajek Ban Joke Factory have not ground to a halt as they clearly should during this special fortnight. Users were puzzled by this revelation; RabbiTechno admitted that he has "little idea what 99.9% of the whole site is all about," and he elaborated that without his constant vigilance, UnNews would surely deteriorate into a third-rate media parody, which this reporter can verify is true.
Known conservation standouts have also shockingly participated in non-rewrite-related activities during the designated tree-hugging week. Dexter111344, reigning Greasy Mechanic, blamed the inclement weather, nosy librarians, and the almighty Zeus. Or maybe he just rewrote Zeus, but the librarian part was true for sure.
UnSignpost Reporter Subtly Mentions Vigilance Week In Article; Chaos Ensues
In the April 23rd, 2009 edition of the UnSignpost, masked co-chief-editor Gerrycheevers covertly linked the word 'vigilance' to Uncyclopedia's Vigilance Week page, inciting riots and mass panic among Uncyclopedians site-wide. Vigilance Week, the mere mention of which often inspires multiple forums where users argue and complain in bold or even italic font, is a period where the rules of article deletion are relaxed, and the worst articles on Uncyclopedia are loaded into the basement of the British Houses of Parliament and blown up using comical amounts of gunpowder.
The last Vigilance Week reportedly occured in September/October 2007, resulting in the death of borderline humorous articles by the dozens. The horrific memories of that week have greatly affected some Uncyclopedians, who remain extremely charged about the issue to this day. For example, Modusoperandi recalled his experience when asked to comment on Vigilance Week, saying, "Certainly. What's "Vigilance Week"?" Other users were similarly shocked, as V-Week, as it has come to be known, was described as "unmemorable" by one user, and "get off my lawn" by another.
However, the passion that Vigilance Week stirs up is negligent when compared to the shitstorm that results upon the mention of that black sheep of Uncyclopedia holidays: Forest Fire Week. This period in the Fall of 2006, when Uncyc was still really an infant in wiki-years, saw over 3000 articles deleted, more than 15% the total website content at the time. In fact, this very article will probably merit at least one forum regarding FFW despite this periodical's poor circulation and low-quality electrons.
At press time, the subtle link to Vigilance Week had caused a medium-sized riot, with hordes of angry users tipping over cars in the Uncyclopedia Parking Structure and setting the animals in the Uncyclopedia Zoo loose. The Cabal is poised to get involved by seizing all media outlets and gener- ATTENTION COMMONERS. ALL IS WELL. THERE WILL BE NO OCCURENCES OF ANY DELETION WEEKS OF ANY KIND. FURTHERMORE, COMEDIC ALLOWANCES WILL HEREBY BE INCREASED FROM 80 GRAMS TO 65 GRAMS. THIS MESSAGE IS NOT THE DOING OF THE CABAL, AS THERE IS NO CABAL. GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 22:21, Apr 23
UnSignpost! 1st Anniversary Special!!![edit]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
April 30th, 2009 • Issue 45 • The periodical that - Jesus Christ it's a lion get in the car!
UnSignpost Editors Too Busy Working on Anniversary UnSignpost to Bother with This Week's Issue
Since next week marks the incredible one-year anniversary of the storied UnSignpost, the editors are focusing all of their efforts on that issue and thus leaving this issue out in the cold. Rest assured that next week's 46th issue, marking the 46 weeks in the year on the Uncyclopedia calendar, will be "a bumper special issue" according to co-chief-editor Under user.
The promise of a special bonus issue brings to mind several of the UnSignpost's more notable issues, such as the All-Kitten Issue and the Seventeenth Issue Spectacular. Reactions to the milestone were mixed in the community. "I feel the signpost has in many ways brought a little too much cabal propaganda to the site for my liking," said noted good-looking tree Sycamore. Were there a cabal, cabal authorities would currently be on the way to Sycamore's house to arrest him. Lucky for him there is no cabal.
By the way, if you really thought this was the first anniversary issue, you suck.
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Hand delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 22:54, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special[edit]
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
May 5th, 2009 • First Anniversary Issue! • Disdaining news in favour of blatant self-promotion
Self-Proclaimed Greatest Newspaper on the Wiki Reaches First Birthday
The early issues were churned out at a great rate by the founding editors, and Cajek was so enthused by the project that he suggested to Skullthumper that they should move to a twice-weekly release - fortunately, this suggestion was shot down in flames by the doc, or the paper may never have celebrated a second month, let alone a full year! Skullthumper was first to leave the Signpost behind for pastures new, perhaps feeling his work was already done. Looking back nostalgically now at those heady early days, Skull exclusively observed: "Well! Working on the UnSignpost in the beginning was a really fun experience, not gonna lie. Cajek and I were both super excited about it. I'm glad it existed through to today, entirely by the help of other people. The setup was seriously the most fun part. We had NO clue what we were doing, we were experimenting with formatting, content, and a bot that only worked half the time. To summarize: It kicked ass. I had no idea it was about a year ago that it started."
With only Cajek powering it, the Signpost forged onwards, but was beginning to run into troubled waters - even Cajek's legendary enthusiasm was beginning to founder, and when he began to struggle for time, he asked DJ Irreverent to take the helm. We asked Cajek for a nostalgic comment about the Signpost, but he was unavailable, so instead here's a random line from one of his articles: "Also, don't be surprised if you go to jail for what society deems "gross", "horrible", and "Satanic": it's all part of being an ant keeper... and an ant "watcher"". The DJ managed to steady the ship (how long can we sustain this metaphor?), but struggled to handle the torch he'd been passed by his adopter (looks like we didn't sustain it very long - never mind!). Asked to comment on this turbulent period, the DJ exclusively remarked: "I dropped said torch like a ton of bricks as a good child should always do. I could not take on the family business, I needed to dance. Anyway, I wrote about 2 articles".
So the pattern of users taking over the paper, only to burn out and abandon it again was becoming well established. Next in the editor's chair was UU, who lasted about 6 issues, before becoming so overwhelmed by the pressures of the paper that he went and got married in order to have a good excuse to get away from it for a few weeks. Recalling those halcyon days, UU told us exclusively: "I love the Signpost, and have had a great time working on it. It does get in the way of writing real articles though, as some users might testify, and it can be a pain to come up with stories each week - hopefully this issue might spark a few people to put some more ideas in the press room".
Fortunately, UU had taken the foresighted step of questioning the staying power of one Gerrycheevers in a previous issue's "comeback of the week" box, and Gerry was so determined to prove he had what it took, that he took over the paper while UU swanned off around the world. Cheevers's time at the helm brought such classic issues as the all-kitten issue, and his exclusive dewy-eyed remembrances run thusly: "I'm proud for having successfully stolen this periodical from Cajek and Skull, and I look forward to many more years of turning forums into news stories, dredging up old features that nobody cares about, and of course making tedious Cajek ban jokes. I also demand a raise and Cajek's office!"
Unfortunately, Cheevers's staying power lived up to UU's expectations, and Gerry took another small break. UU returned to the paper, and frantically enlisted contributions from the likes of Orian57 and Heerenveen to keep the wheels of news turning smoothly. Asked for comment on his input, Orian exclusively told us: "It's a been a great help in bonding together this community. And it's made things more interesting, what with everyone trying to do news worthy things just to get their names in the paper. Or something, I can't manufacture funny under pressure and this is pressure because you're gonna put this in the paper just to humiliate me now, aren't you?". Hv, meanwhile, exclusively commented: "It's amazing that our wonderful newspaper has lasted for so long, especially when you figure
Gerrycheevers has been fully back on board since early this year, UU is still hanging around in between banning people and huffing stuff, and with other contributors still pitching in, plus a plentiful supply of Cajek bans to use as padding (see next story), it looks like the immediate future of the paper is in
Wish we'd gotten a quote from Cajek though. Bastard.
Cajek 100 Ban Extravaganza
During the very same week that Uncyclopedia's most well-known journalism source (suck it, UnNews!) celebrates its first birthday with much cake and punch, one of its co-founders achieved his own personal milestone by being banned for the one hundredth time. Rumors of making Cajek an admin when he reached the milestone have thus far not proven to be true, although he may have magically gained sysop powers upon entering triple-digit territory and we just won't know it until he comes back from wherever he's hiding in a hailstorm of admin-related activity (whatever it is that they do).
The milestone was reached largely thanks to users such as Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who took to the streets in a grassroots effort to raise awareness, and Gerrycheevers, who went directly to certain sysops with demonstrably active bansticks pleading for a "Cajek-whooping." The landmark 100th ban was achieved yesterday, with the good Dr. Skullthumper blocking Cajek with an expiry time of "a milestone". The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Cajek, and also plead for his return.
Cajek was unavailable for comment, and this reporter was once again chased off of the grounds of the Cajek Mansion, this time by the abstract philosophical concept of existentialism.
From the desk of the Cabal Special
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Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 19:34, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost May 14th[edit]
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
May 14th, 2009 • Issue 47 • And you will know our name is the UnSignpost when we lay our news upon you!
Wales Speaks Exclusively to UnSignpost!
When pressed on these vital issues, Jimbo confided to us: "You kids get offa my pipe! Now, where's my lawn?" These are words that every user will interpret in their own special way - Jimbo, like all great orators, has the ability to make profound pronouncements that each and every listener will put their own unique spin on, so that it seems he is talking to them alone. Whatever pearl of wisdom you find in this oracular utterance, we are sure it is exactly what you were intended to find.
Crowning Acheevement
Rules < Funny: The Essay
Is it a Usergroup if there are no Users Grouped in it?
In January 2009, archaeologists from the Philippines dug through the ruins of the usergroups and found compelling evidence that there is still a small amount of activity in the UNSOC group, whose interim leader Necropaxx was heard to observe "UNSOC has about 3 or so active users right now; we just keep that gigantic list to inflate our numbers".
The non-existent Cabal have not made any comment about this being a dastardly plan of theirs to ensure the "golden Age" of Uncyclopedia 2005-2007 remains sacrosanct. Because they don't exist, obviously.
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Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 19:25, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
Mr. Monkey! It's me! Do you edit anymore? ~ Readmesoon
UnSignpost May 21st[edit]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
May 21st, 2009 • Issue 48 • I've seen news you... people wouldn't believe
Glorious Cajek return story
People disappearing, people reappearing, people with little time on their hands, bots unavailable
In the mean time, fortunately, several other users have made glorious returns to Uncyclopedia. As documented elsewhere, a Cajek is apparently back and doing stuff. MNM5150 has been doing some things around places, mostly the forums. Readmesoon has been spotted at VFH and a few talkpages. Yettie has been sporadically active. And Todd Lyons has been doing more stuff recently than he was doing less recently.
A lot of users seem to be unable to contribute as their work/school requires them to spend their time on "useful" things. The more young adult users/little kids seem to be struggling with certain "finals", like Mahm00shA for instance. SysRq appears to be working on his graduation. Statistics show that Hyperbole's activity has been rather low, but recently increased dramatically. For how long this trend will continue is uncertain.
UU has been here intermittently, but keeps proclaiming himself to be "busy". He commented "I don't have time. In fact, I may not even have time for banning and deleting today, things are going fucking nuts! [...] I have teetering mounds of work, and nowhere near enough time! Arrrrrgh! (I almost feel a second exclamation mark coming on, but nothing's that bad...)" He then proved himself to be a big fat liar by editing this story and various other bits of the UnSignpost.
Additionally, while Wikipedia is being overrun by bots, they seem to have gone completely extinct on Uncyclopedia. This has led to our beloved Socky becoming partly mechanized in order to fill the role of paperbot. However, he is currently planning to get his bot operational so he won't have to tire his arse off every week.
Porn! Porn! Pr0n!
There has been somewhat of a controversy as of lately about the existence of supposed pornographic images on Uncyclopedia. Some support the view "Only if it's funny.", while others say "Meh." The controversy led Orian57 to put all his gay porn on QVFD. Optimuschris was quoted saying "I don't know what the fuss is all about, there's no porn on Uncyclopedia!" The discussion seems to have concluded in something like "If it's really bothering you and isn't funny in any way, delete it!"
Mnbvcxz might also want to add that pictures showing prominent nudity could give rise to some legal issues, though he wasn't actually available for comment, so we can't really be sure.
Usergroups! Usergroups! Usergroups!
War is raging in usergroup land. IC, suffering major losses, has been grinded to a halt and was forced into defensive strategy, regressing to trench warfare. But UNSOC, with masses of new recruits, has declared an all out war against any potential competition.
Meanwhile, a new powerful group has arisen, Der Unwehr, and they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. The Goa Tse Clan has gone into hiding and remains a mystery to most Uncyclopedians.
"The End" is being foretold once more
Since this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make it to the press, it was inevitable that there would be foretellings of "The End" and it being "near". On Forum:Count to a million, Orian57 was found stating "we could all die [...] then how stupid would we look?" A lot of users made somewhat eccentric speculations on how several issues were related to this "impending doom".
Multiliteralist, Cajek and Optimuschris posted the following "articles" in response to a request to write something for the UnSignpost.
Porn and the impending doom
As we all know, the impending doom to all good things is caused by porn. This vile practice of drawing pictures of naked women has spread so wide among our young men that it is almost impossible to get them to do anything else.
User groups and the impending doom
No wai, the impending doom is caused by user groups!
Impending doom and porn
Our porn! The usergroups are coming, and with them...impending doom! Treasure these last few mumble with your porn for the end is nigh!
First person article about porn and impending doom
I was in a usergroup, watching porn. Suddenly I understood watching porn in a usergroup would do nothing against the impending doom. I got rather stuck, and forgot the reason. Later, I forgot about the impending doom as well. That's what watching porn in a usergroup will do to you. Suddenly I understood: if you are the first person in a usergroup, nobody can make you watch porn.
My advice
The perfect solution to problems with porn, usergroups, and the impending doom
Form your own usergroup and make others watch porn!
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Brought to you by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 23:09, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost! May 28th, 2009[edit]
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
May 28th, 2009 • Issue 49 • The kind of news your momma warned you about
Going Portal
What, some of you may ask, are portal pages? Well, rather than have us explain it laboriously for you (because that sounds like, you know, effort), why not take a look at the following highly sexy portals: Politics; Games; Science; History and Art. And with more to come including the intriguing concept of a Quaint portal from Cajek, one thing's for sure: there has recently been an increase in the number of portals on Uncyclopedia. What?
Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia!
We also asked the wealthy Egyptian and Babylonian antique collector Mr. Great Lung Sphincter of Nebuchadnezzar the 1st to comment and he exclusively replied: "Nile doesn't have any power. Now the Tigris-Euphrates, that's a different story". Not only does this tell us that the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists are cooler than Nile conspiracists, but that Nile could not invade Uncyclopedia even if they wanted to, and you should be afraid of the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists - very afraid.
To sum it up, there is no Nile and Nile related articles invasion of Uncyclopedia, just as there is no cabal.
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The only newspaper to be delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 20:00, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost June 4th, 2009[edit]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
June 4th, 2009 • Issue 50 • I love the smell of news in the morning!
Todd not Lionised by all?
Lyons himself was deeply touched by the tribute, exclusively telling the USP: "I'm a bit surprised (though not touched, like the WotM nomination this month), because I generally shy away from the snappy/nasty ban summaries that would guarantee me a spot in the UnSignpost. Really, RDB is my #1 pick for this, and richly deserves to have a hate group on Facebook (if not several dozen by now). :) Second, if I had any insecurities that I'd lost my touch with the ban hammer after being on hiatus, they're gone. The arm's feeling great. The surgery seems to have been a 100% success. I'm feeling good that I'll be able to finish out the season and hopefully garner some interest as a bureaucrat when I become a free agent this fall."
The group's creator was unavailable for comment, probably due to being banned.
Comings and Goings
As you may or may not have noticed, there recently seems to be a flurry of returns and hiatuses (hiati?) on this silly wiki that some of us like to call Uncyclopedia. This could be due to a number of things: the end of the school year and thus the end of studying and finals; the summer season causing new and strange emotions in internet comedy writers; the revolving door recently installed at the Uncyclopedia headquarters. Regardless of the reason, those returning have been 'welcomed', and those leaving have been warned that their userpages will be mercilessly vandalized should their vacation extend overly long.
Popular aquatic creature user Finnius claims to have returned. His contributions since returning have thus far been limited to announcing his return in the forum (as required by Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435), but the Unsignpost is confident of a return laced with quality pee and other, less pungent useful contributions.
The elusive Cajek, a mythical creature once thought to exist only in the surreal dreams of squirrels, has returned gloriously upon the back of a giant squirrel. So at least some part of the myth was true. Take that, science! Other returns include Dexter111344 after a brief hiatus and Gouncyclopedia!, who evaded a years-long block to announce his return in the forums (UB435 again). Perhaps the most noted of all, faithful new dog Dognewspaper returns from a one-month hiatus to appear in this story.
Other users have seen a decline or all-out drop-off in their contribution level. SysRq remains on an indefinite hiatus. Gerrycheevers has seen his number of edits dwindle as of late. MrN9000 is still among the missing. Codeine is apparently gone as well, and Necropaxx will be losing his precious internet. We bid these users to hurry back, lest their userpages and works be smited with the hammer of pointless vandalism.
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Delievered by Saberwolf116 02:29, 5 June 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost June 11th/12th/whatever[edit]
I think I'm going crazy. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 14:43, 12 June 2009 (UTC)
Where'd you go?[edit]
I miss ya, Monkey. Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 03:53, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost! June 18th/19th![edit]
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
June 18th, 2009 • Issue 52 • Thinly sliced news, between two slices of humor, with lettuce and hollandaise sauce
Votes for Sandwiches Officially Opens
This week, Votes for Sandwiches was established by Uncyclopedia Internetist and Lead Executive of Sandwiches, Spang. Previously some sort of secret cabal hazing page, lead cabalists have thrown the doors of VFS open to reveal thinly sliced meats on a variety of breads. Or they would have, if the cabal existed, which it doesn't. Official Cabal Spokesman Mordillo exclusively explained the new feature best: "The cabal, as part of its never-ending efforts to assert its all-consuming control over the citizenry, has now introduced voting for sandwiches. Each editor will be required to eat the elected sandwiches for the entire following month. Members of the cabal will closely observe voter's decisions to make sure that no vile sandwiches, such as BAKED BEANS ON TOAST WITH MELTED CHEESE, will be chosen. That's just vile. Editors will not be allowed to protest over the "democratically" "chosen" "sandwich". We're not Iran."
Reactions to the new voting page were mixed. Some users were excited for the opportunity to express their fondness towards various lunches, provided that those lunches are a sandwich. "I'm glad that sandwiches, a comedy staple due to their low-priced nature and assembly so simple that even a writer can construct one, are finally getting their due on Uncyclopedia," said resident criminology term Modusoperandi. Others were not so supportive of the move, and point to recent disturbing trends since the introduction of VFS, the most disturbing being the raiding of the fridge in the Uncyclopedia break room and the subsequent theft of all sandwiches. Well, maybe not all sandwiches, but one specifically marked "gerry's. do not eat." So far no group has claimed responsibility for this act of sandwich-related terrorism. I will find you, you little punk! And when I do, you're making me another sandwich!
Comebacks! Only $19.95! Call Now!
Following a month and a half hiatus, resident VFD overlord and prince of pants MrN9000 is alleged to have returned to the wiki. According to reliable sources, MrN was spotted responding to his talk page and maintaining QVFD, among various other tasks. What other things he may do remains to be seen. We do know, however, that he has been welcomed warmly by the community, with Mordillo giving him the brand new nickname "fucker" and various users bestowing an award of reliability on him.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Call Now And Get 2 for the Price Of 1!
Following in MrN's robotically symmetrical footsteps was noted keyboard component SysRq. After many weeks of inactivity, Sys has returned to once again putter the Imperial Colonization ship around Uncyclopedia Harbor. He has described his goals as "re-assimilate as best I can" and "Go to hell, Dex". We would like to welcome both of these users back to the loving Uncyclopedia family, and urge them to GET BACK TO WORK!!
Things Brewing In IRC
People are yelling at each other, stalking each other, and randomly talking to one another. What I am talking about is, of course, IRC, the highly controversial melting pot of Uncyclopedia, where users of all stands, races, and levels of activity can talk about unimportant issues. It has recently come to our attention that ruthless battles were being fought on the fields of IRC. Our correspondent decided to check things out for himself. He was confronted with gay dinosaurs, Star Wars references and general dickery. Though this one time visit cannot render a clear view of the complex nature of IRC, it might give us a glimpse into the mind of the common IRCer. The dark, mysterious character of IRC remains.
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You'd think I'd learn that this isn't fun to do... Oh well. Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 19:59, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th[edit]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
June 25th, 2009 • Issue 53 • The newspaper that steals other newspapers' lunch money
Users Campaign to Delete Vast Portions of Uncyclopedia
Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions.
First on the chopping block was the Timeline series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny. Dr. Skullthumper has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist Gwax made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the timeline, and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project.
Next in line for the guillotine was Uncyclopedia's longest-running and only soap opera, The Young and the Uncyclopedians. At the head of this movement is prominent murderous amphibian Thekillerfroggy, who made such bold claims as "Vanity, sir!" and "Words words words!" As this project is not merely a page but an entire slew of pages, it was rejected by the Uncyclopedia Deletion Tribunal, but further actions may be in the works.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
Usefulness of IP Contributions Called Into Question...Again
The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder Guildensternenstein. UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to Chuck Norris.
The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. Modusoperandi, the lead counsel for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because Conservapedia doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
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We're not late you're just high! Orian57 Talk 15:01 30 June 2009
UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009[edit]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
July 2nd, 2009 • Issue 54 • The newspaper with the name that's an anagram of "stop using n"
The Young and The Uncyclopedians Cancelled
After enjoying a long-running career and several writer changes, Uncyclopedia's fabled soap opera The Young and the Uncyclopedians was cancelled this week. And by "cancelled" we mean totally owned by Thekillerfroggy. It seems TKF finally had enough, and spent nearly an hour systematically deleting the entire series, which previously contained over 60% of all content in the UnScripts namespace. The newly freed electrons, no longer required for TYATU, can now be used for other Uncyclopedia-related tasks, such as boron smelting, and they may even be used to form a sort of crude bot that can edit The count to a million project automatically.
Not content with merely obliterating the entire series, Thekillerfroggy apparently became bored halfway through his holy crusade, and decided to get creative in the deletion summaries. As can be seen in a memorial erected by what is presumed to be a jilted fan of the show, TKF nostalgized and ranted, remembered and forgot, loved and lost, all while expressing his inner thoughts through the medium of deletion summaries. An example can be seen at the very end of his effort, where Thekillerfroggy writes: "Sigh./Well here's the home stretch/It's been real/We've had some good times/some bad times/But in the end/All we are is dust in the wind/So goodnight, sweet prince/Farewell TYATU/Fin."
Reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users held a candlelight vigil in userspace, where some of the episodes have been resurrected in a zombie-like form. Entertainment editor DogNewspaper (pictured) wagged his tail, perhaps expressing hope that one day a new soap opera, sitcom, or crime investigation show featuring Uncyclopedia editors would once again grace this site. We can only dream...
Main Page Suffers Spasms of Dickery
If you logged onto the Main Page sometime on July 2nd between 2:00 and 3:00 GMT (and if you can't figure out what time that is where you live, then don't expect us to provide it for you, we're not a bloody watch!), you may have noticed some subtle changes. Instead of the usual Wikipedia-like format, with carefully organized features, news stories, anniversaries, and vital information, you may or may not have found...something else.
You may or may not have found an intruiging offer to reffer freinds to take some sort of mp3-player related actions. You may or may not have found some sort of story with a vague theme of respecting one's elders, and everything about those elders, and we do mean everything. You may or may not have found some sort of strange mix of the two that left you with conflicting feelings. These feelings may or may not have included, but not been limited to: fear, anger, jealousy, confusion, fear again, and a vague sensation of falling.
The admins responsible for this will not be named here, due to their next probable course of action in the case in which we did mention them, which would most likely be something along the lines of turning every UnSignpost issue into a Euroipod, whatever that is. The only thing we can report on is that the shenanigans ended just over an hour after they began, with the Main Page being restored to its previous false information-rich state. However, this episode shows us that it will never be safe from the hijinks of that group of admins, who, again, will not be named.
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 19:29, 3 July 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 9th July 2009[edit]
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11
July 9th, 2009 • Issue 55• Help! I'm trapped in a newspaper printer!
Survivor returns to Uncyclopedia after almost two years
In late 2007, a man by the name of Leoispotter had the idea to bring his favorite reality show to Uncyclopedia. Thus, the first season of UnSurvivor was created. After five thrilling rounds of voting, Mr. Briggs Inc. managed to win against the other finalist, Thekillerfroggy, by a mere two votes.
Flash forward almost two years. Kingkitty, a competitor in the first UnSurvivor, decides it's time for another go-around, and season 2 is born. In an exclusive interview with Mr. Kitty, he had this to say: "Well, I was bored ("and crazy", says one passing by civilian) and I thought: 'perhaps the community could do something fun, and stop with all this writing bullshit.'" When later asked what he thought about this current season, he said, "It's showing to be bigger and better than last season, with more betrayals, more violence, more whining, and more betrayals. Lots of betrayals. Mostly of me."
Currently, UnSurvivor Season 2 is in its final round of voting, where the voted-off members of the game get to vote on the finalist they want to win. The finalists this season are: after last seasons defeat, Thekillerfroggy, and newcomers to the show, THEDUDEMAN and An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays. Voting is set to take place over 72 hours instead of the usual 24, and the winner will be announced sometime Friday July 10th. After this, according to Mr. Kitty, there "probably" will be a season 3, and it will be bigger and better than anything ever before.
Uncyclopedians pay crass tasteless tribute to Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson, the legendary King of Pop, touched many lives, and the news of his untimely demise has left a deep void in the lives of his millions of fans and victims. Fans all over Uncyclopedia, stricken by grief, flocked by the dozens to mourn their departed hero in the only way they knew how: through the medium of humour.
They ranged from perfunctory to crude to mediocre, but each expressed a deeply profound sadness that the weird plastic rapist was no more. (Yeah, "weird plastic rapist". That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Tributes continue to pour in despite the fact that it is no longer funny or clever. With the stage set for a long, protracted battle over his kids and estate, Uncyclopedia expects that unfunny people will continue to get mileage out of this story for many weeks to come.
Uncyclopedia admins plan to send a selection of the best "tributes" to the Jackson family, along with the number of a company that recycles plastics. (That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Editors emerge from woodwork, contribute to UnSignpost
This week, when UnSignpost Active Editor Gerrycheevers brought up the Uncyclopedia page containing the currently in-progress UnSignpost, he suffered a minor heart attack upon finding that two stories had already been added to the paper. It seems both An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays and THEDUDEMAN, both newly given the title "Consulting Editor", took exception to being named "Consulting Editor" and took it upon themselves to blanket the UnSignpost with awesomeness.
Unsignpost Payroll Manager DogNewspaper (pictured) bared his teeth at this development, indicating his frustration at having to re-issue new timecards to both editors. Gerrycheevers is expected to make a full recovery; flowers can be sent to the Uncyclopedia Infirmary and Shooting Range.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 22:33, Jul 9
UnSignpost: July 16nd, 2009[edit]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
July 16th, 2009 • Issue 56 • This is a Pathetic Joke
User Return Causes Widespread Panic
This week noted user An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays returned to the wiki, and immediately rendered that return "triumphant". However, other users are beginning to feel the effects of the presence of this primate whose quantum mechanical properties dictate that he be only during certain periods of the week. This incident left onlookers shocked, and worrying if something similar could happen to them. Not since the return of a scantily-clad Olipro has this website seen such a display of sheer terror mixed with complete confusion (and in the case of Olipro, a bit of curious arousal mixed in).
The aforementioned incident involved one user who had AATOEOT embedded in his dreams. Most curiously, this episode seems to have happened on a Friday night, a time period when an An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays should decidedly not exist. Nearly a week has passed without further disruptions, although that may be partially due to Ape's ban after being kicked off of the Uncyclopedia island during a rousing game of Uncyclopedia Survivor. Regardless of the reasons behind the strange occurrences, users should be sure to keep an eye out for strange occurrences on and off the wiki...particularly on Thursdays.
Flood of Crap Nearly Overflows VFD
For the last few days, an explosion of nominations has inundated Uncyclopedia's waste removal system, Votes for Deletion. After a period of low activity, where there would typically be just a few to several nominations, things picked up last week. In the last few days, the situation has accelerated into what is being called by experts a "shit-ton" of undesirable content festering in the dark, unvisited corners of the wiki. Said undesirable content is currently being read, discussed, and dealt with accordingly, as is the usual procedure at the highly efficient VFD.
Circumstances have escalated to the point of rattling a few relaxed admins. One such incident involved a user getting the customary one-day ban for increasing the active nomination count past twenty, when the user in question had, in fact, only increased the number of active noms to twenty. Owing to the normal tendency of the article count of VFD to stay in the low single digits lately, the lapse is certainly forgiveable, and was quickly corrected. Afterwards the two parties exchanged pleasantries and shared a S'Mores which was roasted over the open bonfire of newly deleted articles.
Former poopsmith MrN9000 commented on the situation, saying, "Well you know I fancy the standards at VFD have improved significantly in recent times. Not so long ago it would often just be a quick "Short and Shit" vote from UU, and the latest stub was on for a huffing. These days we are spending more time voting on closer votes and are deleting much better articles than we used to! Something VFD is really proud of." In a final display of VFD patriotism, MrN added, "CHECK THE PAGE HISTORY BEFORE NOMINATING YOU BUGGERS!"
Orian57 On Fire
Noted rainbow-colored user Orian57 has recently enjoyed a remarkable string of success (pictured on right). He has scored an unprecedented natural hat trick of features, with UnBooks:Daddy, There's a Zombie in the Garden, LazyTown, and UnScripts:Trapped at Sea reaching the front page on consecutive days. Not since the time of such legends as Savethemooses and The Thinker have such lofty VFH records been broken. Although in the case of STM, there were probably mitigating factors involved, like wooden articles rather than aluminum, or something. Or aluminium, that strange substance only found in England by mining thousands of millions of other strange occurences, such as referring to the trunk of a car as a "boot".
This god-like spasm of awesomeness is fresh on the heels of Orian's Writer of the Month win in June of this year. Since the beginning of that month, he has seen six of his works grace the front page, and he shows no signs of slowing down. When reached for comment, he explained, "Well I suppose it's down to being fantastic. And unemployed. But mostly being fantastic." The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Orian on his recent spat of win, and express hopes he will continue the pattern well into the future.
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:22, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 23rd, 2009[edit]
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
July 23rd, 2009 • Issue 57 • The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
Uncyclopedia Users Form Fantasy Football League
This week, several Uncyclopedians banded together under the leadership of one Guildensternenstein to form some sort of "Fantasy Football" organization. What exactly this entails is unclear, but it appears that the football- and soccer-related fantasies of the participating members will be carried out in the semi-private confines of the forums.
Reactions were mixed to this development, with some users expressing emotions ranging from apathy to indifference. Others voiced concern about children, decency, and lewd public conduct. "My little boy came home today saying something about going to another boy's house to perform football fantasies!" said one outraged and confused mother.
Regardless of the small amount of negative feedback, participants are eager to begin fantasizing about their favorite football players, such as David Beckham. Bradaphraser had this to say: "The Fantasy Football League is a chance for Uncyclopedians to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Uncyclopedia work and actually have some fun for a change. While I usually am busy with the administrating task of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, this gives users a chance to see me in a more relaxed state."
"I fully expect that this venture will be just as successful as my recent run for the Presidency," continued Brad, "which I lost to Bradford Lyttle of the Pacifist party by a mere 110 votes. I fully expect to win one or possibly even two games in this upcoming season, assuming of course that a draft is eventually held." Said draft is scheduled to begin immediately, and assuming only a small portion of footballers flee to Canada to evade this draft, the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League will be ready to hold its first game by opening day.
Village Dump Suffers From Rash of Inactivity
In a startling development, activity on Uncyclopedia's main gathering place, the Village Dump, has all but ceased. With The UnIdiot registering the sole comment in the last three full days, the normal flow of important, relevant conversation in the Forums appears to have dried up. While an excess of users can usually be found loitering aimlessly in the halls of the Dump, it appeared all but deserted as of press time.
Several theories have been raised, ranging from the intriguingly possible (July weather causes Uncyclopedians to go outside) to the exceedingly headache-inducing (Uncyclopedians are being abducted by giant space cabbages). However, one of the more interesting theories comes from our lead scientist and nature correspondant, DogNewspaper (unavailable for picture). He claims that while the Village Dump itself along with associated forums such as the Ministry of Love and the Help forum has seen a decline in activity, the so-called Benson's House of Pancakes has seen a shocking upswing in activity.
In the same time frame that only a single edit was made in the Village Dump, sixteen different topics were edited in Benson's Breakfast Domicile. DogNewspaper, that earlier mentioned nature correspondant, calls this a migration. "Woof," he claimed, elaborating that many users were unable to adapt to conditions found in the normal Village Dump, and were forced to relocate to the more hospitable Benson-related location. It is here, in the BHOP, that users are free to create topics concerning their own birthdays, the anniversaries of their birth, and memorials commemorating the day they were born. Whether the mass exodus is complete or not has yet to be seen.
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This edition is on time, and anyone who tells you differently is lying! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 02:52, 25 July 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 30th, 2009[edit]
It's on time, you were just high and didn't realize when it got here! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 02:35, 4 August 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!![edit]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
August 6th, 2009 • Issue 59 • Painfully Extracting Nuggets of Truth from the Teeth of the News!
Uncyclopedia Triples Ad Revenue; Users Line Up For Paychecks
This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor.
However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behind Olipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day.
A Hell of a Time at the Village Dump
Recently in the forums, BHOP's activity has arguably skyrocketed. An IP has started a new rhyming craze, and the cheesy, crunchy snack food CheddarBBQ has revived many topics that were getting rather aged, such as Fantasy Football, a Shakira-esque topic, and even his own birthday's topic.
Back on BHOP, fruity user Neox's random storytelling and serious user YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans' serious, dramatic storytelling have made Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 2's story a complete, random mess. Also, Optimuschris and Modusoperandi have been having one hell of a time discussing the much-anticipated failing of the new G.I. Joe movie. Finally, users have a had a heated battle over whether to ban the Abstain feature on VFH, which is ending up as off-topic and random as an episode of Lost. Are there any cool discussions going on? That's the forum news in your area, now here's Mr. G with the weather, only on
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Hand delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 21:39, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are![edit]
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 21:00, Aug 18