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Today in Philippine history, July 3, 1892, Dr. Jose Rizal founded the La Liga Filipina
In the night of July 3, 1892, Dr. Jose Rizal founded and inaugurated the La Liga Filipina at house No. 176 Ilaya St., Tondo. It was formed not for the purpose of independence, but for mutual aid and protection of its members, and the fostering of a more united spirit among Filipinos. Its constitution declared the ends, form, duties of members and officials, rights of members and officials, the investment of funds, and general rules.
- To unite the whole archipelago into one compact, vigorous, and homogeneous body.
- Mutual protection in every want and necessity.
- Defense against all violence and injustice.
- Encouragement of instruction, agriculture, and commerce.
- Study and application of reforms.
Motto: Unus instar omnium [i.e., one like all.]
- To set these ends in operation, a Popular Council, a Provincial Council, and a Supreme Council shall be created.
- Each Council shall consist of a Chief, a Fiscal, a Treasurer, a Secretary, and members.
- The Supreme Council shall consist of the Provincial Chiefs, just as the Provincial Council shall be composed of the Popular Chiefs.
- The Supreme Council shall have command of the Liga Filipina, and shall deal directly with the Provincial Chiefs and Popular Chiefs.
- The Provincial Council shall have command of the Popular Chiefs.
- The Popular Council only shall have command of the members.
- Each Provincial Council and Popular Council shall adopt a name different from that of their locality or region.
Duties of the Members:
- They shall pay monthly dues of ten centimos.
- They shall obey blindly and promptly every order emanating from a Council or a Chief.
- They shall inform the Fiscal of their Council of whatever they note or hear that has reference to the Liga Filipina.
- They shall preserve the most absolute secrecy in regard to the decisions of the Council.
- In all walks of life, preference shall be given to the members. Nothing shall be bought except in the shop of a member, or whenever anything is sold to a member, he shall have a rebate. Circumstances being equal, the member shall always be favored. Every infraction of this article shall be severely punished.
- The member who does not help another member in the case of need or danger, although able to do so, shall be punished, and at least the same penalty suffered by the other shall be imposed on him.
- Each member, on affiliation, shall adopt a new name of his own choice, and shall not be able to change the same unless he become a Provincial Chief.
- He shall bring to each Council a service [trabajo; evidently a service done for the organization], an observation, a study, or a new candidate.
- He shall not submit to any humiliation or treat anyone with contempt.
Duties of the Chief:
- He shall continually watch over the life of his Council. He shall memorize the new and real names of all the Councils if he is the Supreme Chief, and if only a Popular Chief those of all his affiliated members.
- He shall constantly study means to unite his subordinates and place them in quick communication.
- He shall study and remedy the necessities of the Liga Filipina, of the Provincial Council, or of the Popular Council, according as he is Supreme Chief, Provincial Chief, or Popular Chief.
- He shall heed all the observations, communications, and petitions which are made to him, and shall immediately communicate them to the proper person.
- In danger, he shall be the first, and he shall be the first to be held responsible for whatever occurs within a Council.
- He shall furnish an example by his subordination to his superior chiefs, so that he may be obeyed in his turn.
- He shall see to the very last member, the personification of the entire Liga Filipina.
- The omissions of the authorities shall be punished with greater severity than those of the simple members.
Duties of the Fiscal:
- The Fiscal shall see to it that all comply with their duty.
- He shall accuse in the presence of the Council every infraction or failure to perform his duty in any member of the Council.
- He shall inform the Council of every danger or persecution.
- He shall investigate the condition of the funds of the Council.
Duties of the Treasurer:
- He shall enter in a ledger the new names of the members forming the Council.
- He shall render strict monthly account of the dues received, noted by the members themselves, with their special countermarks.
- He shall give a receipt and shall have a note of it made in the ledger in the hand of the donor, for every gift in excess of one peso and not over fifty.
- The Popular Treasurer shall keep in the treasury of the Popular Council, the third part of the dues collected, for the necessities of the same. The remainder, whenever it exceeds the sum of ten pesos, shall be delivered to the Provincial Treasurer, to whom he shall show his ledger, and himself writing in the ledger of the Provincial Treasurer the amount delivered. The Provincial Treasurer shall then give a receipt, and if it is in accordance with the accounts, shall place his 0. K. in the ledger of the other. Like proceedings shall follow when the Provincial Treasurer delivers funds in excess of ten pesos to the Supreme Treasurer.
- The Provincial Treasurer shall retain from the sums handed to him by the Popular Treasurer one-tenth part for the expenses of the Provincial Council.
- Whenever any member desires to give the Liga Filipina a sum in excess of fifty pesos, he shall deposit the sum in a safe bank, under his vulgar name and then shall deliver the receipt to the Treasurer of his choice.
Duties of the Secretary:
- At each meeting he shall keep a record of proceedings, and shall announce what is to be done.
- He shall have charge of the correspondence of the Council. In case of absence or incapacity, every authority shall name a substitute, until the Council name one to fill his place.
Rights of the members:
- Every member has a right to the moral, material, and pecuniary aid of his Council and of the Liga Filipina.
- He may demand that all the members favor him in his trade or profession whenever he offers as many guaranties as others. For this protection, he shall transmit to his Popular Chief his real name and his footing, so that the latter may hand it to the Supreme Chief who shall inform all the members of the Liga Filipina of it by the proper means.
- In any want, injury, or injustice, the member may invoke the whole aid of the Liga Filipina.
- He may request capital for an enterprise whenever there are funds in the treasury.
- He may demand a rebate of all the institutions or members sustained directly by the Liga Filipina, for all articles [sold him] or services rendered him.
- No member shall be judged without first being allowed his defense.
Rights of the Secretary [sic; Chief?]
- He shall not be discussed unless an accusation of the Fiscal precede.
- For want of time and opportunity, he may act by and with himself, as he has the obligation to perform the charges which may be laid on him.
- Within the Council he shall be the judge of every question or dispute.
- He shall be the only one who shall be empowered to know the real names of his members or subordinates.
- He shall have ample power to organize the details of the meetings, communications, and undertakings, for their efficacity, security, and rapid despatch.
- Whenever a Popular Council is sufficiently numerous, the Provincial Chief may create other subordinate Councils after first appointing the authorities. Once constituted, he shall allow them to elect their authorities according to the regulations.
- Every Chief shall be empowered to establish a Council in a village where none exists, after which he shall inform the Supreme Council or Provincial Council.
- The Chief shall appoint the Secretary.
Rights of the Fiscal:
- He shall cause every accused person to go out or appear while his case is being discussed in the Council.
- He shall be able to examine the ledgers at any time.
Rights of the Treasurer:
He shall dispose of the funds in an urgent and imperious necessity of any member or of the Council, with the obligation of giving account and answering before the tribunal of the Liga Filipina.
Rights of the Secretary:
He may convoke extra meetings or assemblies in addition to the monthly meetings.
Investment of the funds:
- The member or his son, who while not having means, shall show application and great capacities shall be sustained.
- The poor shall be supported in his right against any powerful person.
- The member who shall have suffered loss shall be aided.
- Capital shall be loaned to the member who shall need it for an industry or for agriculture.
- The introduction of machines and industries, new or necessary in the country, shall be favored.
- Shops, stores, and establishments shall be opened, where the members may be accommodated more economically than elsewhere.
The Supreme Chief shall have power to dispose of the funds in needy cases, whenever he later renders an account to the Supreme Council.
General Rules:
- No one shall be admitted without a previous and unanimous vote of the Council of his village, and without satisfying the tests to which he must submit.
- Offices shall end every two years, except when there is an accusation by the Fiscal.
- In order to obtain the posts, three-fourths of all the votes present shall be required.
- The members shall elect the Popular Chief, the Popular Fiscal, and the Popular Treasurer. The Popular authorities shall elect the Provincial authorities; and the Provincial authorities shall elect the Supreme authorities.
- Every time that a member becomes the Popular Chief, that fact shall be communicated to the Supreme Chief, together with his new and old names; and the same shall be done whenever a new Council shall be founded.
- Communications in ordinary times, shall bear only the symbolical names both of the writer and of the persons for whom they are intended, and the course to be pursued shall be from the member to the Popular Chief, from the latter to the Provincial Chief or the Supreme Chief, and vice versa. In extraordinary cases alone shall these formalities be omitted. However, in any time or place, the Supreme Chief may address anyone directly.
- It is not necessary for all the members of a Council to be present to render decisions valid. It shall be sufficient if one-half the members are present and one of the authorities.
- In critical moments, each Council shall be considered as the safeguard of the Liga Filipina, and if for any cause or other the other Councils are dissolved or disappear, each Council, each Chief, each member, shall take upon himself the mission of reorganizing and reestablishing them.
This constitution was partly printed at London, at the London Printing Press, No. 25 Khulug St., in both Spanish and Tagalog. Those parts printed (the ends, duties of the members, and the general rules) contain some changes from Rizal's MS. Preceding the constitution proper is the membership pledge to the Liga. It is as follows: "Number. i.. To.. of.. I.. of.. years of age, of.. state, profession., as a chosen son of Filipinas, declare under formal oath that I know and entirely understand the ends aimed at by the Liga Filipina, whose text appears on the back of the present. Therefore, I submit myself, and of my own accord petition the chief.. of this province, to admit me as a member and coworker in the same, and for that purpose I am ready to unconditionally lend the necessary proofs that may be demanded of me, in testimony of my sincere adhesion! " The ends of this printed text are the same as those of the MS. The motto is the same, and there is also a place for a countersign.
The duties of the members are somewhat changed, the changes being as follows:
1. He shall pay two pesos for one single time, as an entrance fee, and fifty centimos as monthly fee, from the month of his entrance. 2. With the consciousness of what he owes to his fatherland, for whose prosperity and through the welfare that he ought to covet for his parents, children, brothers and sisters, and the beloved beings who surround him, he must sacrifice every personal interest, and blindly and promptly obey every command, every order, verbal or written, which emanates from his Council or from the Provincial Chief. 3. He shall immediately inform, and without the loss of a moment, the authorities of his Council of whatever he sees, notes, or hears that constitutes danger for the tranquillity of the Liga Filipina or anything touching it. He shall earnestly endeavor to be sincere, truthful, and minute in all that he shall have to communicate. 4. He shall observe the utmost secrecy in regard to the deeds, acts, and decisions of his Council and of the Liga Filipina in general from the profane, even though they be his parents, brothers and sisters, children, etc., at the cost of his own life, for this is the means by which the member will obtain what he most desires in life." Articles 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 are the same.
The general rules of the printed version are as follows:
"In order that the candidate may be admitted as a member to the Liga Filipina, he must possess morality, good habits, not have been proceeded against justifiably as a robber, shall not be a gambler, drunkard, or libertine. The candidate must solicit and petition his entrance from a member; and the latter shall communicate it to his Fiscal, for the investigations that must be made in regard to his conduct."
On Dec. 30, 1903, a monument was erected to Rizal, to his companions, and to other founders of the Liga Filipina by the village of Tondo, on a site given by Timoteo Paez, one of the members of the Liga. On the monument is the following inscription: "Remember [this word in English, the rest in Spanish]. Facing this site and at house No. 176 Ilaya St., Dr. Rizal founded and inaugurated on the night of July 3, I892, the Liga Filipina, a national secret society, with the assistance and approval of the following gentlemen:
Founder, Dr. Rizal; shot.
Board of directors- president, Ambrosio Salvador; arrested.
Fiscal, Agustin de la Rosa; arrested.
Treasurer, Bonifacio Arevalo; arrested.
Secretary, Deodato Arellano; first president of the national war Katipunan society; arrested.
- Andres Bonifacio; supreme head of the Katipunan, who uttered the first warcry against tyranny, August 24, 1896.
- Mamerto Natividad; seconded, in Nueva Ecija, the movement of Andres Bonifacio, August 28, 1896; shot.
- Domingo Franco; supreme head of the Liga Filipina; shot.
- Moises Salvador; venerable master of the respected lodge, Balagtas; shot.
- Numeriano Adriano; first guard of the respected lodge, Balagtas; shot.
- Jose A. Dizon; venerable master of the respected lodge, Taliba; shot.
- Apolinario Mabini; legislator; arrested.
- Ambrosio Rianzares Bautista; first patriot of '68; arrested.
- Timoteo Lanuza; initiator of the manifestation for the expulsion of the friars in I888; arrested.
- Marcelino de Santos; arbitrator and protector of La Solidaridad, the Filipino organ in Madrid; arrested.
- Paulino Zamora; venerable master of the respected lodge, Lusong; deported.
- Juan Zulueta; member of the respected lodge, Lusong; died.
- Doroteo Ongjunco; member of the respected lodge, Lusong; owner of the house.
- Arcadio del Rosario; orator of the respected lodge, Balagtas; arrested.
- Timoteo Paez; arrested.
- The Philippine Islands, 1493-1803; explorations by early navigators, descriptions of the islands and their peoples, their history and records of the Catholic missions, as related in contemporaneous books and manuscripts, showing the political, economic, commericial and religious conditions of those islands from their earliest relations with European nations to the beginning of the nineteenth century; (Vol. 1, no. 52), Emma Helen Blair, MCMVII


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Keeping alive the intention of preserving the historical and cultural legacy Fifth St. Peter of Alexandria, Bolivarian Museum Foundation given the special conditions of this area blessed by nature, embarked in recent years the task of providing to visitors the possibility of interact with some of the most characteristic ecosystems of northern Colombia, without having to leave Santa Marta.
The Botanical Garden Fifth St. Peter of Alexandria, created in 2004 under the initiative of the Bolivarian Museum Foundation in partnership with the University of Magdalena and with the accompaniment of carbon Eduino known botanist, has an area of 22 hectares of dry forest relicts Tropical.
The Botanical Garden QSPA mission is "to contribute to the conservation and promotion of biodiversity representative of the Colombian Caribbean, through the implementation of plans and programs for research and environmental education." The Garden is also aware of its importance in the recovery and conservation of tropical dry forest, now seriously threatened by the pressure of human activities in coastal areas, is why 2020 seeking shelter within its properties the greater representation of flora, typical of tropical dry forests in the north. It also aspires to be the most important refuge for urban wildlife district of Santa Marta and become the center for research and outreach recognized environmental aspects of the city.
Anyone visiting the garden you can see trees, plant species that are endangered, more than 150 plant species scientifically organized into collections such as cacti, Palmetum, Orchids, Fruit, Ornamental, timber, medicinal plants, Mangrove Samples , Relict of tropical dry forest, gallery forest and xerophytic areas, among others.
In the tour of the gardens and forests of the Treasury, the visitor will also see some animal species in their natural state such as iguanas, parrots, hawks, parrots, hummingbirds, snakes, squirrels, rabbits and a high diversity of insects.
Source: http://museobolivariano.org.co/jardin-botanico-quinta-de-san-pedro-alejandrino/

subset: commoncrawl


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One of the most unique parts of owning season tickets for a professional sports team is the thrill of getting a brick of tickets in the mail, but for fans of the Chicago Blackhawks, that feeling is now a thing of the past.
According to Danny Ecker of Crain's Chicago Business, a letter went out to Blackhawks season ticket holders last week informing them that the team is moving to all-digital tickets for the upcoming season. Fans can either use their smartphones to display tickets to get into the United Center for games or can print them out on their computers at home, but the team will no longer be using ticket stubs for season-ticket holders.
"In keeping our fans' best interests in mind and after extensively reviewing the new ticketing technologies available, we collectively made the decision to move to digital ticketing," Chris Werner, Blackhawks VP of ticketing and customer relations, said in a statement.
According to Ecker, the Blackhawks are the third major Chicago team to go all-digital with season tickets, joining the Chicago Bulls and White Sox. The Chicago Cubs and Bears still use paper tickets for their season ticket holders.
Various professional sports teams have jumped on the bandwagon as well, with the Memphis Grizzlies, Denver Broncos, and Houston Astros all utilizing digital tickets. Some teams like the White Sox do still allow fans to get paper tickets, but for an added fee when buying season tickets.


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Headbands let the heat escape from under your helmet when ascending fast. A simple beanie will keep it in for slower or colder days. Hard to beat a balaclava when it gets really cold, but a simple face mask is nice for cold descents that you can remove when going up.


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Näide võlgnike tüüpilisest vabandusest ja katteta lubadusest
inkassoettevõte sotsiaalmeedias
FB Collection is a company established in 2013 helping creditors claim their debts by use of social networks and social media. We are different from other companies that offer incasso services due to the use of new and effective approach – debts are claimed by using contemporary means, i.e. the social media. Social networks play a bigger and bigger role in our every day lives, creating our image in the community and relations with other people. Negative information on the internet cannot be thrown into trash like a debt reminder on paper. That mark will stick to the debtor for a long time and has therefore an effect of an innovative public pillory. FB Collection helps to claim all kinds of debts, even if they are not monetary but involve handing over belongings. For instance we can help when the tenant refuses to return your property key. We approach each client personally, identifying the right means for a quick solution. We use a special action plan that makes the debtors act fast. If you wish your debtor paid the debt quickly and effectively, please contact us and we will find the best solution for...Learn More
Stages of recovering a loan: 1. Note to debtor's family and friends/acquaintances; 2. Warning note with a debtor's picture in the social media (Facebook and other web pages); 3. Warning notes about the debtor in online and print media (Delfi, Postimees, Äripäev, Õhtuleht); 4. Warnings in foreign media. Our goal is to make the creditor and the debtor reach an agreement so that the process would be quick and we would achieve the result our client expects. In addition we have means for solving problems with debtors that are not affected by social media or whose property is not on their name. If you wish your debtor paid the debt quickly and effectively, please contact us and we will find the best solution for...Learn More
FB Collection aitab sisse nõuda igat liiki võlgnevusi – isegi juhul, kui need ei ole täidetavad rahaliselt, vaid seisnevad asjade üleandmises. Nt abistame juhul, kui üürnik keeldub teile tagastavamst korterivõtit. Läheneme igale kliendile personaalselt, leidmaks õiged kanalid kiire lahenduse saavutamiseks. Kasutame spetsiaalset tegevuskava, mis paneb võlgnikud kiiresti tegutsema. If you wish your debtor paid the debt quickly and effectively, please contact us and we will find the best solution for...Learn More
"võlg on võõra oma"
Feb 28, 2014
Sep 26, 2013
Sep 26, 2013
"I will tell you my story.
Many people have apartments where they do not live themselves and which are rented out to tenants. When…


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Campari - Aperitif Bitter
Retail Price ¥130
31% Off
Save : ¥41
Campari is the perfect aperitif with its distinctive red colour, aroma and pleasantly bittersweet flavour. Enjoy Campari mixed with orange juice, grapefruit juice or soda over ice or in an Americano, Negroni or Italian Mojito cocktail.
Campari is a contemporary and charismatic classic. The recipe, which has remained unchanged, originated in Novara in 1860 and is the base for some of the most famous cocktails around the world. Campari is an alcoholic spirit obtained from the infusion of bitter herbs aromatic plants and fruit in alcohol and water. With its vibrant red colour, intense aroma and inspiring flavour, Campari has always been a symbol of intrigue and pleasure, which unfurls itself into a captivating drinking experience. These are the values that have made the Campari brand famous throughout the world as an icon of passionate Italian style and excellence.
The history of Campari began in Novara in 1860, with the invention of the original recipe that is still in use today. In 1904 Campari's first production plant was opened in Sesto San Giovanni and the company began to export the brand overseas. It was the beginning of a success story that today still has no sign of stopping. Today the Campari brand is distributed in over 190 countries and is one of the most famous brands in the world.


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Ancient goodness: Fresh Lotus Youth Preserve range
Stay fresh-faced
As skincare technology gets more and more advanced, there is another distinct school that is looking to the past to get inspiration — more specifically to ancient remedies and ingredients that still bear relevance today. After all, plants have the ability to heal, transform, beautify and even reverse the signs of ageing in our skin. Combining the power of these plant ingredients with the best extraction and formulation techniques that science has to offer seems to be the best way to get the most effective products.
Fresh's Lotus Youth Preserve collection perfects this marriage of science and tradition. Co-founder Lev Glazman acknowledges that "various parts of the lotus plant has been used in traditional herbal medicine for centuries." The collection uses not just a lotus flower extract sourced from Laos, but six other ingredients that are part of the range's Super 7 Complex, including blue-green algae and hibiscus fruit. Each ingredient has a part to play in maximising the skin's hydration and radiance.
The newest edition to the collection is the Eye Cream. Perfect for women who are just getting started on their preventive ageing regimen, the lightweight cream boosts moisture for up to 24 hours and restores the glow to your eye area — and who doesn't need a little help with that?
From $63. At the Fresh Ion store and Sephora outlets now.


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09 Mar Marketing should be easy, why does it feel so hard?
The Start-Up Series is our competition to find new consumer businesses – we say it's for 'products and services we buy and the ways that we buy them'.
It's a deliberately broad definition but all new consumer businesses need to influence consumers to change their behaviour – try something new, buy a different brand or purchase from a new retailer – and then develop a habit that brings them back for more. It's where there is value in growing a brand and communicating it well.
So it shouldn't surprise anyone that when we judge the Start-Up Series each month, and consider who should qualify for £150,000 of investment funding, we are interested in each entrepreneur's ability to clearly describe their product or service as well as what makes them unique and how they will get the message out to consumers.
When written like that these things seem straight-forward, but we are consistently surprised with how few clear marketing plans we see.
There are loads of definitions of marketing (go on, try googling) and as many formats for what makes a good marketing plan. Maybe that is what confuses a simple concept.
It makes me loathe to add to the melee. However, when considering an investment in consumer businesses it is an essential and usually overlooked part of the mix. In the later stages, by the end, of our distillation process, this is what Worth Capital hopes to have seen.
Brand proposition
In essence, the story behind the brand you are hoping to establish – about your product or service, maybe about you and certainly about why people should care. A clear brand proposition will contain some form of:
- The purpose of the brand: for example, IKEA's purpose it to create a better everyday life for the many people. A start-up's brand is likely to (and should) be a little more focused to start with. Innocent Drinks' is to make natural, delicious and healthy drinks that help people live well and die old. The purpose should define what you do – we exist to….? If you find that difficult, try defining what you don't do, sometimes that marks businesses out from the competition. A purpose doesn't need to be a perfectly crafted strapline, it is not likely to be seen by the public, but it should reflect what your business stands for.
- Your target customer: who you think should notice and care about what you are offering – and why. The more focused this is the better. If you have several focused customer groups there should be a sense of priorities, possibly distinguishing between their value and the order in which you'll go after them – these are not always the same.
There is often a temptation to make customer segments all about demographics, e.g. 'young mums aged 25 to 34'. In our experience, and more so as traditional stereotypes break down, attitudes and behaviours are often more useful, e.g. 'young at heart liberal minded women'. These lead you more directly to how and where you would target communications. It might help to create a pen portrait of your audience and mapping a day in their lives to tap into their mindset, attitudes and behaviours. It may also help you identify when are the best times to communicate with them throughout their day.
The target customer should link back to the product or service – how has it been designed to serve this market, or what purchase behaviours are there to illustrate the target consumer.
- What makes your business better than the competition: some will say your 'Unique Selling Points' (USPs) but, whatever you call them, what is it that makes you stand out from the crowd? Just having your wish list is not enough, you need to demonstrate what it is in your product, service or business model that will give consumers (and investors) the reason to believe you.
- What's behind the name: if this is not perfectly obvious (usually a good place to be with a name) then what is the insight and logic behind your choice of name, including its relevance now and in the future?
- Your tone of voice: the way you want to show up in front of consumers, the kind of language you would use, the style within which you'd want to communicate and the logic and insight behind them. Some businesses might already have created some communications – for a product this could include the packaging design, for a retailer it might be the store design, for everyone it is likely to include logo and website design. If nothing has been created yet, this could be a mood board to illustrate the tone of voice. Whatever it is, this is a good time to make sure there is something that makes the brand feel real and tangible.
Communication plan
If the brand proposition should get everyone excited, the communication plan is about getting word out. This is always more difficult than anyone expects. Keep in mind that very (very) rarely does anyone act on the first time they see a brand, it usually takes multiple and repeated interventions to influence consumer behaviour.
A decent communications plan will have lots of different activities and for each one:
- A description of the activity: e.g. a pop-up shop or Facebook advertising. Think hard about whether the activity is going to make a difference, is it going to create a change in a consumer's thinking or behaviour?
- Target audience: a description and a vague sense of the numbers – e.g. 15,000 first year students.
- The expected impact: e.g. 3% click through, 200 footfall per day, 1% purchase.
- High level actions needed to make it happen – e.g. find a suitable site with only a three-month tenancy.
- Any dependencies: i.e. couldn't do before 'such and such' has happened.
- A first cheap and quick experiment to validate the potential: i.e. before significant effort and cost. This is most often overlooked, even by the biggest companies. What quick and dirty experiment can you run to validate that the investment is worth it, before spanking a whole lot of your marketing budget on a hope and a prayer?
- The cost: both in Sterling, but also in effort. With limited funds the choices you make to do something usually means a choice not to do something else.
- The return on investment: from the cost and the impact, e.g. this might be the cost per user acquired, or the cost of an average purchase.
Taking a step back and looking at this plan, and keeping it live through plenty of learning of what is working and not working, will lead to a clear sense of priorities and potential timings. So the plan becomes a schedule of activities that shows a considered level of communication across different customer groups. This can then be maintained as a rolling plan against which the success or failure of experiments and campaigns can be planned and monitored.
Consistency with the financial projections
Lastly we look for the investment needed in the communications plan to be in some way related to the projected marketing spend in the financial forecasts. So ideally there will be a spreadsheet element to the marketing plan that adds up the projected spend and expected impact over the course of the next, say, 12 months.
Of course if the content of the communication plan would cost much more than the marketing spend forecasted then something is amiss. But more usually the content of the plan is much less than the projected spend on marketing, which suggests someone is making it up as they go along.
Then one point to note across all three components. No-one will expect a plan to be slavishly followed. The first plan is a starting point. It should be a solid foundation, but from which each component can be amended and finessed as more is learnt about the business, the brand, the customers and which communications channels are working well or not.


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Headlight Restoration, Color Keyed Side Molding, Eagle Abrasives, Paints and Dyes, Metal Polish


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The progressive left is praising Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her Green New Deal, a plan devised by socialists to save the planet from global climate change. It will require impossible changes—for instance, getting rid of our petroleum-based civilization—and plans to pay for it by taxing the rich. Ocasio-Cortez's Green New Deal hides a sinister plan—the creation of a global socialist government lorded over by a hereditary elite and its financial class. This is a forbidden subject and its mere mention will get you tagged as a crazy conspiracy theorist despite ample evidence the elite have used environmentalism for decades to force their agenda on humanity. Newsbud and a handful of other news and information sites believe it is important to talk about forbidden topics and taboos that expose the ruling elite agenda to turn the world into a prison planet where eugenics, euthanasia, and abortion will be used—along with war and bioengineered pestilence—to reduce world population. At Newsbud, we're dedicated to bringing you the unvarnished truth despite the penalties now being used to destroy alternative media—deplatforming, demonitizing, and blocking all avenues of financial support, from having bank accounts closed down, and social media corporations refusing to allow us to advertise on their platforms. Newsbud is truly independent. We depend on your donations and subscriptions to keep us going and making a difference. Please take the time to make a donation or get a subscription. It's imperative as many people as possible have access to news and information the elite and their corporate media deny you as part of its effort to keep you in perpetual ignorance.
*Follow us here at Newsbud Twitter
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Show Notes
By 2030, We Will Pass The Point Where We Can Stop Runaway Climate Change
A brief history of climate change
'Green New Deal' details emerge, as Ocasio-Cortez preps big reveal of WWII-level mobilization
The Greatest Redistribution of Wealth in History
"Green" Socialism is Still Socialism
Wall Street and the Bolshevik Revolution


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|MoDA series Founder+ Conceptualizer and overall "Girl Boss" Kerry-Ann Clarke
The event is known for their staple events, MoDA Runway and MoDA Market has expanded to include a series of events now including MoDA Music. To celebrate this year's staging, the Moda team collaborated with the CPJ Market to present their official Launch for an Epicurean event dubbed as "Dine".
Dine saw 30 of Jamaica's Creative "Disruptors" in an intimate setting inside CPJ Market seated around a beautifully decorated table complete with candelabras, beautiful flowers, and plants which were reminiscent of a garden party (but indoor).
The evening featured a 4-course meal expertly prepared by Executive Chef Akeli Dixon and his amazing team. Each course was paired with various wines and spirits from CPJ Market and included Bacardi, Grey Goose, and Dewars.
First, was the Soup Du Jour - Roasted Tomato Cream Soup with Potato Gnocchi. The Tomatoes were slow roasted and pureed with a hint of cream then incorporated with homemade potato gnocchi. It can simply be described as tasty, comforting and quite satisfying and teased the taste buds for what was to come.
Appetizers were next which featured the Oxtail and Tarragon Ravioli with Dewars Marinara. The Oxtail was braised and deboned and filled in a ravioli skin laced with Dewar's Marinara. I actually am not much of a meat eater but the presentation was quite lovely and according to the other guests it could be described as perfectly, seasoned and well-balanced.
For Entrees, it was a Pork Tenderloin -- The Pork Tenderloin was marinated with Grey Goose and Fennel then drizzled with Josh Legacy Jus. For the Vegetarians, it was the Pan Seared Sweet Potato Cake with Ackee Regoo with a red peas cream. I opted for the latter and it had a hint of cinnamon, flavored with coconut milk and featured the perfect crisp. The ackee was perfectly seasoned and was a perfect change from the basic ackee we are used to.
It was here songbird Sevana broke into song and joined the talented Violinist and encouraged the guests to sing along and applauded her after a stellar performance --talk about Dinner and a Show!
Next was the Bombay and Chive scented Salmon with Scotch Bonnet Beurre Blanc. The Fillet of Atlantic Salmon was splashed with Bombay Sapphire Gen then finished with a Josh Chardonnay Kissed Scotch Bonnet Beurre Blanc. This was my absolute favorite! Salmon is an acquired taste that relies heavily on the way it is prepared and this was perfectly cooked and seasoned. It had the right amount of flavor just the way I like it.
We ended the night with dessert which was the Bacardi 8 Glazed Orange Cranberry Bread Pudding. A memorable bread pudding topped with cranberry compote then laced with the 8-year-old spirit of Bacardi. Let's just say this was the "strawberry" on top of a perfectly great evening. Though we were all full, we immediately made room for dessert which was well worth it.
Dine was a fantastic evening with great conversation, great food, and even better wine!
This is just a tip of the iceberg for what is to come at this year's Moda Runway and Moda Market and we are excited!
Thanks to Maurice Tucker of Image Jamaica for capturing the Images this Year| ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
(876) 297-0002


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I was able to present some Google knowledge to the fine educators (K-12) of Madison County, GA. #mysdistrict During our time together, we learned mostly about Google Drive, Google Classroom, Google Voice, and a TON TON TON of Chrome extensions that may be extremely useful in the classroom setting for any educator at any level. I also want to share something that I also believe is important to understand - don't try to do everything techyish all at once - or even all of it ever. Find what is interesting to YOU. Find what YOU believe YOU may have success with, and then move forward from there. I see so many wonderful tech solutions out there when it comes to the "I CAN FIX EDUCATION" technology. Be careful out there, and don't just know and stay in your comfort zone ... push through it. We expect our students to challenge themselves through difficult standards and elements - the same should hold true for ourselves.
Know this, all the help you will probably ever need is online, so go out there, find something, and have a great time!
--- I am just a teacher, teaching in front of my students, asking them to learn with me.
Comments are closed.
This is a place for Mr. DeWolf's students to become "published."
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.
September 2019


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This novel flits between centuries and is more than a thrilling adventure; it is a combination of romance and remorseless conflict between families.
Passenger starts with off renowned teenage violin prodigy Etta Spencer preparing herself for her first debut. She is fizzy with nerves, and after overhearing a mysterious conversation between her reclusive mother and her beloved instructor, she suddenly feels overwhelmingly confused. But then as soon as she starts playing her piece, Etta hears a bewildering screech that whines throughout the hall. None of the audience can hear it though, and as she exits the room in panic her hand is grabbed by a stranger, who races her through the venue, dragging her past the shocking corpse of her instructor and through a blazing white door.
Etta wakes up several days later, centuries from her home and lost in a vicious tangle for power, with Etta wrapped tightly in the middle. Only Etta can drag herself out of this mess and back home. Only Etta, and perhaps the handsome Nicholas Carter who crosses her path on the ship she finds herself on.
Etta is the protagonist of this novel, and she's incredibly affable- not only because of her feisty character that ensures she always stands up for her beliefs, but because she is an adventurous and determined person. Having said this, she's not perfect; Etta has a poor relationship with her mother, and a lack of any sort of parental figure in her life. She is dedicated to the violin, and so has no friends either. All this combined, and we experience extreme sympathy for Etta, as she appears to be a genuinely pleasant person, and doesn't entirely deserve this.
Well, she's not all alone; Etta has her violin instructor Alice. I do not entirely understand their relationship and was annoyed when Etta was desperate to go back in time and save her life. From the moment Etta uttered this idea, despite it frequently recurring throughout the novel, I could tell it was never going to take place. It seemed to be task that would ultimately satisfy Etta too much, and therefore could never take place. Also, I didn't feel particularly attached to Alice- I'm sure she was an amiable old lady but honestly she wasn't particularly outstanding and was going to die in several years anyway (she was 90!).
I enjoyed reading about the reinvention of time travel, and the certain things that limited it. It did indeed seem realistic and believable in a way many books in the past, despite the employing an overactive imagination, have not quite achieved. The whole process appears all rather practical and thought through, without the explanation given by science. I thought that generally it was a strong plot, and it was fabulous to see Bracken fully explore the characters and push them to their respective limits, whether mental or physical. One weakness though was that at one point I was not entirely convinced by the plot; it was at the stage when Cyrus was blackmailing Etta to find the astrolabe. This was because, although I knew that she was intimidated, I also knew that Etta was smart and could see that Cyrus was desperate and actually needed her. I was disappointed because I expected Etta to work things out on her own terms, being the strong-willed person she is; I felt that she acted out of character, and that that scene took place because Bracken needed it to go in that direction, not because it was driven by the characters.
Also, there is a bit of romance in it, but I was not impressed by it. Although it wasn't instantaneous, there was a sense of instalove as there was hardly any tension between them, and when there was it was over in the same paragraph, which frankly is disappointing. On another note, I loved the settings that cropped up we travel through time and thought that it would have a much more engaging novel if as readers we had more time to explore as opposed to just hurling through them.
So, despite this novel being too long, I still think it was respectable and worth a read if you are interest in a time-traveling, slightly weak romance, new interfamily conflict novel. Seriously though, if you don't have time for a 500 page novel, do not bother. It is good, but not worth all that effort.


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Minnesota State acknowledges the National Anthem prior to the start of a game against the University of Denver at Magness Arena in Denver, Colorado, October 22nd, 2011.
Little behind on post due to preparations for my impending move across the pond. In a post at the end of DU's last hockey season I didn't think I would end up covering another game but because of my plans getting pushed back a bit I am able to now cover a few games. Nonetheless here is some stuff from Minnesota States weekend visit to Denver.


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Whoever named your house Alverna was evidently a devotee of St Francis of Assisi, as this one page I've downloaded from the web seems to indicate.
Macaulay in his 'horatius' refers to Mount Alvernus, but it would seem to be the same place as Alverna.
You evidently have a house to be proud of. According to my old friend Ted Hurst, who farmed Parr Hall and Stanley Bank with his father, the houses were built for Miss Betsy Banks, landlady of the Ship Inn at Blackbrook, who lived in one of them. (The pub was still 'Betsy Banks's's' many years after her death.) They were built, he said, by Mr Henshaw (? Mercer?) of Haydock, known as the finest bricklayers both St.Helens and for miles around. The striking red-brick C. of E. church of St Thomas in Westfield Street and the brick bridge over Blackbrook canal are other examples of his work. The musical Topping family lived for a time in your house. One son became Dom. Christopher Topping, O.S.B. They were followed by Miss Amie Ellis and her brother Jimmy, and then by Miss Kath Lloyd. The freehold will belong to the archdiocese, the sole beneficiary of the Orrell estate, which included Parr Hall.
The hall had belonged to the Parr family, who gave their name to one of the four townships from which St.Helens developed. Sometime before 1570, Sir John Byrom bought it from his stepson, William Parr. There was insanity in the Byrom family, and the estate finally descended to the profligate Samuel Byrom, known as 'beau Byrom', who gambled his inheritance away and died a debtor at York 1741.
The estate was then bought by Liverpool businessman William Clayton, who left it to his daughter Sarah, herself an astute businesswoman. She built Clayton Square and lived there in splendour. Sarah developed the Parr coalfields in the main supplier of coal to Liverpool. Her affairs went awry, however, when a business partner, Thomas Case, who has interests in the triangular slave trade, got into difficulties through the American war of independence, so both he and Sarah were bankrupted in 1778, thus in 1781 the astute local coal-owner and glass-bottle manufacturer James Orrell was able to buy Parr Hall estate and its coal.
James Grandfather, Humphrey Orrell, a wealthy yeoman and tanner, had come to Blackbrook Hall in 1674. The family became even richer when coal was found on their land, just as the Industrial Revolution was rapidly increasing demand, so James owned several pits. Either he or his son Charles was able to build the grander Blackbrook House, now run by Nugent care, to replace the old Hall. Although seven of James children survived to adulthood, none of them married. In 1845 his three remaining daughters built St Mary's Church, which was consecrated immediately, as it was free of debt. Miss Winifred, the last of three, died in 1866. It's her ghost that several believes has been seen many times both in and around the church, once on a Christmas evening by the three sisters of mercy, who panicked and retreated to the convent when she glided towards them in her long grey dress through the closed door of the presbytery.
Winifred had made Fr James Abraham P.P. of Blackbrook, her sole trustee, and through him she left her lands and money to the then diocese of Liverpool. Shrewd investment made possible the building of other churches and schools. Parr Hall, by the way was demolished in 1955, when Wimpey began building the present housing estate. You'll find its site on the local A-Z bounded by Parbold Avenue, Singleton Avenue and Blackstone Avenue. That's as much local history as seems relevant.
Yours sincerely
Kevin Henegan
(Local Historian)
Practice Opening Times
Mon - Thurs: 9:00 - 13:00, 14:00 - 17:30
Friday: 8:30 - 13:00, 13:30- 16:00
Why Choose US?
Alverna House are a local NHS dentist based in St Helens offering a number of services to improve yours and your families dental health.


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Events in Informational
We've FETCHED your listing! If you did not find accurate listings, try looking at search tips in the FAQ section.
Wags To Whiskers Cat Adoption
Social Events, Informational, Indoors, Fundraiser, Adoptions
Wags to Whiskers of Texas, a local no kill cat rescue adoption event!
Natural Pawz Kingwood
25653 Highway 59 N Ste 203, Kingwood, TX 77339
Kingwood, Texas 77339
Cats & Coffee
Social Events, Informational, Indoors, Fundraiser, Adoptions
The 1st Saturday of each month, you're invited to the CAP Animal Shelter & Pet Adoption Center to enjoy the company of cats and others that share your love for our feline friends. We'll provide the coffee & the cats from 9:30AM - 11AM. cap4pets.org
CAP Animal Shelter & Pet Adoption Center
17555 Katy Freeway
Houston, Texas 77094


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~ Thank You ~~!~~
When burdens are heavy to carry
You stretch out a hand.
When I feel that I can't make it,
You show me that I can.
In everything you stand by me,
When others turn away.
And all the things you've done for me,
In my heart will stay.
If in this world, there were no you,
It would be so drear.
The friendship that you offer is
So honest and sincere.
I know that I am better and,
I know I'm blessed by you.
I send these words of "Thank You",
For all the things you do.


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Flotation Tires
Flotation tires are a category of tires that provide supplemental traction and stability on soft surfaces such as sand and agricultural fields. Flotation tires from Firestone have treads engineered to make it easier to manoeuvre heavy farm equipment in the field while maintaining traction on loose ground. Industry studies have shown that soil compaction may cause yield losses of more than 40%, so these tires are designed with a wider footprint, helping to minimize compaction with more ground contact. With the weight evenly distributed across an expanded footprint, flotation tires can carry the same load at lower pressures, making them ideal for big equipment.
Before they make it to your farm, all of our tires must prove themselves at the Firestone Farm Tire Test Centre, a 350-acre testing facility dedicated to rigorous ongoing tire testing and development. It's just one more reason why Firestone is the leader in the field.


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For centuries the Nabataeans moved goods in the desert by camel caravan. The camel was the backbone of their merchant enterprise, and so we will need to learn a bit about camels before we can set out on our caravan trip.
The camel has several features that make it ideally suited to desert life. Its feet have wide pads with slimly built legs that help it move easily over the desert.
It can tolerate thirst for long periods, and can eat the tough thorny shrubs in the desert that even sheep and goats pass over. This is possible because their lips have tough stiff hair that permits it to nose through thorny plants and root them out or break them off. Its mouth is also specially adapted to chewing and digesting these thorny bushes.
|During the winter, the camel can go fifty days without being watered, while in the heat of the summer it may only go five days without water. In the winter the camel can graze on the many green plants which contain enough moisture to enable the camel to go without water. However, if it had a choice, the camel would water every couple of days in the winter and every day in the summer. When a thirsty camel smells water, it rushes to the water, fights, and struggles to overcome anything in its way. Sometimes watering troughs are broken or knocked over from frenzied camels rushing for water.
Many of the desert Bedouin water their camels only every three days. When a camel goes too long without water, its eyes fill with tears, they refuse to graze, and they begin to moan. When they try to urinate and cannot, it is essential that they are taken to water.
As the camel dehydrates, part of its hump wastes away. The hydrogen contained in the hump is released, combining with oxygen to create water for the camel. When the hump is wasted away, the camel dies.
A thirsty camel can drink up to eighty liters of water in one session, and can drink up to twenty liters in one minute. The Bedouin often sing or chant while the camels drink, as they believe it helps them drink to their full.
It used to be rumored that the camel had a special stomach for holding water. This idea, however, is not true, but in the first and second stomach of the camel, there are cavities which can hold a certain amount of water which is not mixed with food, since most of the food immediately moves on to the third stomach.
A a very ancient historian, Ashurbanipal, wrote about how some Arab traders, dying of thirst, slit open the bellies of their camels to get out water and thus survived!
The camel is a strange animal. It seems to lack the ability to find its own food. Often a shepherd goes with the camels to show them where to find food. Other times, when the camels are reasonably well fed, they are simply allowed to wander. They may go for several days, before they return to their master for water.
When the heat becomes intense, camels like to roll in the dirt. When they pass a patch of land with soft earth, they kneel down in it and begin to roll back and forth on their backs. In many cases, these places become common for camels to roll in, and a passing camel may roll, just because it is a place of rolling. First they will sniff the ground, then kneel down, and then begin to turn over on their back and necks, with their feet up in the air, as if trying to bathe in dust. Camels will frequently crowd together in a single-rolling ground, so expanding its size that in it sometimes covers an are of more than 100 meters in diameter. The Bedouins claim that this rolling strengthens and soothes the joints and has somewhat of a cooling and relaxing effect on the camel's body.
Female camels go into heat in late fall or early winter. Pregnancy lass for an entire year. Usually a single camel is born, however, camels have been known to have twins. Two or three years may elapse before the female gives birth to another young.
Right: Each year of the calf's life, it takes on a new Arabic name.
The camel also supplied the Nabataeans with a ready supply of meat. Often camels were slaughtered for an occasion, and the whole tribe would partake in the meal.
When a Bedouin wants to show the highest level of honor to a guest, a camel is slaughtered for him. Often the fat from the hump is kept, and rendered down into ghee or and used for cooking or frying later.
Meat from the camel can be kept by cutting it into long thin strips that dry in the sun, usually draped over a bush. (More on this later!)
(Left: Two camels get a ride in a pick-up truck!)
The Nabataeans often lived off of the milk of camels. The milk of the camel contains a higher proportion of Vitamin C than cow's milk, and a higher ratio of fat, protein and mineral content that either cow's or goat's milk.
While it is possible to make milk and cheese from any milk, the Bedouin do not usually make butter from the milk. Bedouin traditionally use milk from sheep and goats, dry it, and keep it in fist size balls that resemble white rocks. This is known as jamiid cheese. When they want to use it, they simply break it up, add water, and grind it until it makes a cheese soup that they cook their meat in and pour over rice. (We may get one of these meals later.)
Camels prefer to live in groups of their own kind, and like to travel in herds, as sheep and goats do. If it gets separated from the herd, a camel's first concern is to rejoin the herd.
If a camel caravan comes to a river or a dangerous area, the herdsman only needs to force one of the camels to proceed and the others will readily join it. Even the camel that had been the first to refuse to cross the spot in question will, when it sees the rest of the herd crossing, cross in turn behind it, so as to keep up with the group and remain part of it.
The camel is also a mild-mannered animal, except in certain cases during the mating season, or when it is being loaded. Free roaming camels in the caravan are usually well mannered, while camels tethered to a tread mill or used for plowing and other hard work sometimes are ill mannered.
Camels can be led to the point of stupidity, and is often prone to mishap in dangerous places. It cannot be trained as a donkey, dog, or horse, and is much less attentive that these other animals. The camel is also a coward, especially when compared to other animals its size.


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If you love and seek justice, then you already know about the Southern Poverty Law Center. Despite the limitations suggested by its name, the lawyers of the SPLC take on injustice wherever it occurs. Most recently, they've been fighting the draconian immigration laws in Alabama, where the SPLC was founded in 1971 by Morris Dees and Joseph Levin, Jr.
Last week, law students participating in the University of Memphis' outstanding Alternative Spring Break program were privileged to have Dees as their keynote speaker at the closing luncheon.
Find a little spare time, sit back and listen to Dees weave anecdotes from his childhood in rural Alabama with tales of legal battles all over the country in the decades since. Hearing Dees speak is invigorating and inspiring to all who battle injustice. Morris Dees and the SPLC seek justice!


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Dexter belongs to one of my long-time housesitting clients, and he is a dream to take care of. Persistently cheerful, enthusiastic, and affectionate, he is the perfect remedy for a long, stressful day. You would never guess that he is a senior dog, because he has the boundless energy of a puppy, but he's also great at snuggling up on the sofa and giving kisses. In fact, one of his quirks is that he loves to give ear kisses, and only ear kisses. He's a discriminating gentleman. 🙂
Too smart for his own good, his idea of following rules is "what's in it for me?", but that makes him all the more fun to be around because convincing him that what you want him to do is also what he wants to do is exactly the kind of challenge that every behavior consultant loves. But at the end of the day, as long as he gets his walk, his drink from the bathtub faucet, and his cuddles, he's a happy camper.
I love you, Dexter!


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So the client we were working with had made significant investments in marketing channels. Think of a whole host of marketing channels: email pushes, websites, banner ads, mobile messages, even offline promotion tactics from a marketing perspective.
They then empowered their sales force by rolling out iPads to the sales force team. What was happening was, none of this was connected. So from a physician perspective, they would have gotten an email or a mobile message, maybe two days before the sales rep shows up, and the sales rep's showing up with the same information. Customers were reacting negatively to that, and viewed it almost as a waste of time.
So the first concept and the first item that we did was [to] connect all of these things together. So we wanted to make sure that we took customer data that the sales reps had with customer data from the marketing side, integrate that, [and] get a holistic view of how this customer was engaging with the client, over time across all channels, marketing and sales.
That gave us insight into what this customer's interested in, how consistently they're [interested] in [messages], their preferences for specific channels. So now what we were doing is, sharing information across marketing and sales, so when a marketing promotion hit that physician's office with a specific message, instead of the sales rep delivering the same message a week later, they delivered a complementary message and built upon the conversation with the physician.
What were the business outcomes of ZS's work with this client?
For our clients, we measure results along three dimensions. The first dimension is on customer engagement. It's not just engagement with the campaign, it's consistency of engagement over time. That's the key metric we're focused on.
The second metric is message recall. And this is important because even when customers are engaging with us, we want to make sure that they absorb the key points of the content that we're delivering.


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The fourth annual "Don't Let your Meatloaf" party happened in my neighborhood this past weekend. It was the first time my husband and I had been invited to the event and I was terribly excited about going. A party geared towards cooking something? Right up my alley.
The rule was no garlic. Not sure the hows and whys of where this rule came about but I followed it. I was not going to be disqualified because of a rule like that…I was in it to win it! I had a meatloaf recipe that was pretty good, but this had to be the best. After all, I was going to write about the party and brag how much everyone loved my meatloaf. I practiced, I added and I tweaked. This was going to be amazing!
The time of the party arrived and I thought my meatloaf looked beautiful. I was very proud. First mistake of the evening…I didn't try it. We arrived at the home of Judy and Steve and pictures were taken. The rules were explained to us on how to vote. Wow…this was really serious! Second mistake of the evening….I thought it was really serious. It was time to taste and vote but judging the meatloaves was proving to be a challenge because each award needed to be voted on individually and there were a lot of meatloaves! Vote first for best looking meatloaf and then go back through the line and flag all the bites taken and taste test. Third mistake of the evening….I thought I could win.
As instructed, we had to pick a first place winner, second place and third place, one for best looking and one for worst, all separate categories. Little did I know then how important this could be. We ate, we drank, we tallied, we drank, we turned our votes in and we drank some more. The waiting began for the results. (It's very important to note at this time that everyone drank.)
The bell rang and the winners were announced. The first award given was for the worst tasting meatloaf. I wasn't even paying attention…after all there was no way I was going to be in this category. I wasn't paying attention…..until they called my name! WHAT?!?!?!?! They called my name…. the one who writes and cooks and shares my recipes received the worst tasting meatloaf?! Holy smokes…what just happened?! I think I might have died a little at that moment. All I could do was smile and accept my award with grace and as much dignity as I possibly could in such a boisterous crowd. (remember, I mentioned earlier everyone drank…I want to believe that may have influenced the voting!)
I do want to mention that they showed me the final results on the voting and I was actually one vote shy of tieing for first. I also placed in the second, and third category. That did help with the ego factor a bit, but I was still labeled the worst! But then I got to thinking, everyone messes up now and then, everyone makes something that someone doesn't like….even professional chefs don't always get it right. Right? Empowered with that knowledge, I realized that I could go on with life, despite a flawed entry, and my husband and I continued to have an extremely fun evening with a great group of people. I had the will and determination to make another meatloaf, and another 364 days to practice at it!
So just wait until next year's "Don't Let Your Meatloaf" party…. I'll be ready for the big comeback. Just you wait!
THE WINNING MEATLOAF RECIPE by Lynn Fortunato Hodges!
2 lbs ground chuck mixed with two cans of Rotel (drained). Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. Cover 1/2 of a large flour tortilla with sour cream and chive mashed potatoes. Slice meatloaf and place 4 slices on top of the potatoes. Sprinkle with a mixture of shredded Mexican cheese and frozen corn. Top each slice of meatloaf with another spoonful of mashed potatoes. Fold over the other half of the tortilla and place in a heated frypan with olive oil. Brown each side of the quesadilla. Serve with salsa and jalapeno as garnish.


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2019-11-16为大人带来形象的羊生肖故事来历 为孩子带去快乐的生肖图画故事阅读谈谈怎样学好数学_苏步青-中学生文库
An Idiot's Guide to Sex
内容提示: AN IDIOT'SGUIDE TO SEXKaren BallS U M M E R S D A L E Copyright © Karen Ball 2001All rights reserved.No part of this book may be reproduced by anymeans, nor transmitted, nor translated into amachine language, without the written permissionof the publisher.Summersdale Publishers Ltd46 West StreetChichesterWest SussexPO19 1RPwww.summersdale.comPrinted and bound in Great Britain.ISBN 1 84024 191 8 ContentsIntroduction 5Chapter One: The Opposite Sex – What Are They? 10Chapter Two: Teenage Kicks 25Ch...
AN IDIOT'SGUIDE TO SEXKaren BallS U M M E R S D A L E Copyright © Karen Ball 2001All rights reserved.No part of this book may be reproduced by anymeans, nor transmitted, nor translated into amachine language, without the written permissionof the publisher.Summersdale Publishers Ltd46 West StreetChichesterWest SussexPO19 1RPwww.summersdale.comPrinted and bound in Great Britain.ISBN 1 84024 191 8 ContentsIntroduction 5Chapter One: The Opposite Sex – What Are They? 10Chapter Two: Teenage Kicks 25Chapter Three: Am I The Only Single Person I Know? 50Chapter Four: Across a Crowded Room 74Chapter Five: The First Date 100Chapter Six: Stepping Into The Sack 126Chapter Seven: Classic Bedroom Blunders 152Chapter Eight: Post-seduction Fallout 176Chapter Nine: Is It All Worth The Effort? 199The Serious Bit – Further Information 218 Karen Ball lives in Walthamstow with hertwo goldfish, William and Sid. She has anasty drink habit and I wouldn't try cadginga fag off her if I were you. She's never hada boyfriend and it's unlikely she'll find oneafter writing this book. 8An Idiot's Guide to SexIntroductionThis is a book for everyone 'out there' whoopenly admits that they still don't havemuch of a clue about life, love, or to bemore specific, sex. I'm not only talkingabout the single population. It can be justas relevant to those in serious, long-termrelationships who have spent many yearsinvesting a lot of blood, sweat and tearsinto convincing their partners andthemselves that they know what the heckthey're doing. The big question is: who arewe all trying to kid? Why don't we just admitthat when it comes to sex, a lot of it is stilla complete mystery?This shouldn't be read by anyone whowants serious advice on how to become abetter lover. A good lover is like a goodmathematician. You admire their skill, butwould you really want to be one? This book 9An Idiot's Guide to Sexis a celebration of the kid inside everybodywho is still desperately groping somethingin a dark corner of the school disco. Withmy dubious advice your groping handsmight actually find their target, but in themeantime you'll learn to embrace your idiotself in the world of love and sex. I haven'tgot all the answers, but I have got the sameas you – absolutely no clue what's goingon! 10An Idiot's Guide to SexCHAPTER ONEThe Opposite Sex – What Are They?Before going any further in this quest forsexual knowledge, we really need to workout what on earth the opposite sex is allabout.Many men willingly admit that theyhaven't a clue how the female mind works– that's their excuse for not making theeffort to understand. 11An Idiot's Guide to SexMany women like to encourage thisfoolishness by pretending they aremysterious and enigmatic – and that's theirexcuse for the fact that they don't knowwhat's going on either. So let's explode afew myths and take a look at the mainidentifying features of each sex.ManBrain – Confused, looking for his mother.A Sense of Humour – Essential but oftenjuvenile.Clothes – Don't try and judge a man by hisclothes. He's probably being dressed byanother woman.Attitude – Lots of men have attitude. You'remeant to be intrigued. 12An Idiot's Guide to SexWallet – An essential accessory, and onethat many women mistakenly overlook.Down Below – Don't worry, size doesn'tmatter. No honestly, it doesn't . . .Feet – The size of a man's feet is all-important.WomanBrain – Many men like to think that womenare mentally inferior.A Sense of Humour – When she says you'rethe best she's ever had – that's sarcasm.Clothes – Power-dressing usually indicatespsychotic tendencies. To be avoided.Attitude – It's not just an attitude problemwhen she tells you you're boring. 13An Idiot's Guide to SexWallet – Amazingly, many modern womenhave their own income.Down Below – To wax or not to wax?Feet – Only porn queens wear stilettos. Sorry.Now that you're clear on how to identifymembers of the opposite sex it's a goodidea to look more closely at what makesthem different to you. Whoever called them'the opposite sex' wasn't joking – they'reabout as far away on this planet as youcould possibly hope to get. Just becauseyou're able to pick out a person's sex fromacross a crowded room (well done!), there'sno guarantee that you will feel relaxed andcomfortable should you be forced to speakto them. At this point it's probably worthlooking at some of the most commonanxieties that we come across when firstmeeting someone . . . 14An Idiot's Guide to SexDoes My Breath Smell?A common problem upon first meeting apotential partner is the worry over whetheryou'll get close enough to risk a kiss. Thereason for this is that you've been drinkingblack coffee all day at work, have chain-smoked twenty fags and your teeth arestained from red wine.Because of this cumulative potential todisgust, you try to talk from behind yourhand and the person you fancy ends upthinking that you're offended by theirhalitosis.Get over it! Most bad breath issues areall in your mind and if you get in closeenough for a proper snog you should beable to cut off any air supply, therebynegating their sense of smell. 15An Idiot's Guide to SexDoes He/She Fancy Me?When you're worried about your ability topull, your ability to judge anything becomeshorribly distorted. Every smile, twitch andslap across the face becomes analysed todeath – is she smiling at me because shefancies me, or does she smile at everyonelike that?Herein lies the path to madness, and theonly real way of finding out whether or notthey fancy you is to ask their best friend.Most best friends can be trusted to call aspade a shovel. It might sting a bit to hearyourself described as repulsive, but at leastyou know where you stand. 16An Idiot's Guide to SexDo I Fancy Him/Her?This seems like a silly question, but it'sone you'll often find yourself asking. Usuallyjust after you've managed to confirm thatthey fancy you. Now that you've got theirattention and devotion you may start tothink that a complete stranger on the otherside of the room is much more attractive.Beware! It's far better to go for thecompromise and get off with someone who's'alright', than to chase after the impossibledream of a person you really wouldn't want 17An Idiot's Guide to Sexto kick out of bed but who you'd probablynever get into bed in the first place. Manyof the world's most stable relationships havebeen built on compromise. Never be afraidto do yourself down.Have I Got Any Condoms on Me?It's a bit pointless indulging an anxiety likethis because, let's face it, whoever you'retalking to is not going to want to sleepwith you. Not yet, anyway.Do They Think I'm Stupid?Gone are the days when a woman wasjudged by her looks and a man by his wallet.Gone, but not forgotten. You'll still bejudged by both these things, but even moreimportant in the modern age is the abilityto impress with your mental agility.Unfortunately, your ability to down a bottle 18An Idiot's Guide to Sexof wine in one go has long overtaken yourMensa application. If you do want toimpress, I don't recommend doing mentalarithmetic out loud. Instead, a good tacticis to casually drop literary and philosophicalreferences into the conversation. Forexample, 'Does Tolstoy deserve as muchliterary merit as Dostoyevsky?'Are My Friends Embarrassing?Few people would admit this, but they'reoften concerned about the impression theirfriends give in relation to themselves. Andwith good reason! I mean, would you goout with someone whose best friend drankBacardi and Coke or wore leatherwaistcoats? If you really want to pull, it'sprobably a good idea to take a long, hardlook at your acquaintances and if they don'tmeet the mark then leave them at home. 19An Idiot's Guide to Sex(Obviously, don't forget your friendscompletely – their sympathy will beessential when you eventually get dumpedfor being a shallow so-and-so.)Am I Wearing Clean Pants?What can I say? This is the most cripplinganxiety of them all, but one that reallyshouldn't be occurring at this stage in yourlife. Did your mother teach you nothing?There's really no excuse for not having apristine pair around you at all times of theday, so if scummy pants are your downfall– well, so be it!OK, we've dealt with, and dismissed, someof the most common worries but we stillhaven't really got to grips with what it isabout the opposite sex that makes us soanxious. Let's have a look at some of the 20An Idiot's Guide to Sexreasons why you're never going tounderstand them.They Were Born That WayMen and women are just born different. It'sno one's fault that men like cars and womenlike lipstick – that's the way we're made,and it goes all the way back to the wombwhen our mothers' bodies were creating thebits of us (brains, personalities, addictivedisorders) that would influence the rest ofour lives.To try and fight this is like trying to arm-wrestle God – you're never going to win, solearn to give in gracefully. 21An Idiot's Guide to SexTheir Mothers Ruined ThemMany adults like to blame their problemson the parenting they suffered, andpersonally, I'm more than happy to colludein this denial of responsibility. If there'sanything wrong with your loved one it's fareasier to blame it on their mother than totry and understand it. After all, that's whatmothers are for and they won't mind at allthat yet again they are held responsiblefor the ills of the world. 22An Idiot's Guide to SexSocial ConditioningEvery day we see all around us theinfluences that have made our partnersimpossible to understand and plainimpossible. From the cradle to the gravewe're fed messages that mould ourpersonalities and make us hide our deepestemotions. It's either that or we're all just abit messed up.Ex-partnersHah! Now there's the rub! Most adults havebeen scarred for life by an inconsiderate,selfish ex-partner who is probably betterlooking than you. If only you could havereached your true love before they werechewed up and spat out by this monster,you might have had a chance at happiness.But that chance has now gone forever andit's left to you to pick up the pieces and 23An Idiot's Guide to Sexlook at them in despair. You're handlingsecond-hand goods and you might as wellget used to it.CareersFar too many young people today havecareers. They put their career first andeverything else second. That includes you.The good news is that one day they'll wakeup, realise what a load of old tosh work is,throw it all in, travel the world andremember how fantastic you are. Or they'llmeet an amazing Kiwi lover in Bangkok andforget you forever.Gettouttahere!The majority of people meet their partners inthe workplace. The rest hang out in singles' bars,where even the bar staff refuse to talk to them.Then they go home, put their head in the oven,remember it's electric and go to bed. 24An Idiot's Guide to SexIf you're still feeling a bit dazed and confused(let's face it – I have no idea what makesthe opposite sex so weird) it might be worthcasting our minds back to younger dayswhen life was really bad. I'm talking aboutwhen we were teenagers. You think you'vegot it bad now? You should pause to considerwhat it was like having your first snog withhalf your mates watching and giving youpoints out of ten. Our ability to cope in theromantic arena is often defined, and moreoften ruined, by our experiences as anadolescent, and it's worth going back tothose early days just to remind ourselveswhat it was all like . . . and why it couldonly have got better. So let's revisit the lifeof a teenager. 25An Idiot's Guide to SexCHAPTER TWOTeenage KicksA good counsellor can work wonders whenit comes to erasing the scars left by teenageexperiences.While we all complain about getting old,how many of us would really want to goback to what our parents assured us were'the happiest years of your life'? Oh, happyindeed for them, as they mocked our acneand laughed in the face of our dress sense.But miserable for anyone trapped in theteen nightmare. So you may not be inclinedto thank me for stepping back into thegolden age of 'can't shag, won't be shaggingfor the next ten years'. But if we are tounderstand and solve our problems, wereally need to ponder the teenage traumas 26An Idiot's Guide to Sexthat turned us into the broken men andwomen we are today.The teenage dilemma is a difficult one.We all desperately want to have sex butnobody knows what it's all about. It'sdisconcerting when you look at spottyDarren Biggs and he tells you about hissix-times-in-a-night session. Or if you're agirl, you'll be jealous as hell of Sharon Woodand her brushes with teenage pregnancy –but she won't tell you about it becauseyou're not cool enough to be in her gang.Face it: you're a virgin and irredeemablyout of touch. Just thank God that all yourfriends are the same. Except you don't. Noone will ever admit to their lack ofexperience, so you really do believe thatyou're the one frigid stick in town. EvenMrs Brown next door is pregnant again andshe must be at least thirty. 27An Idiot's Guide to SexSo, how do teenagers go about combatingthis nightmare?Hair GelAccording to teenage mythology, bad hairis a real puller. If the top half of your headlooks like a grease slick, a hedgehog, or arats' nest, then you're in there! The basicrule of thumb is: if it hurts to run yourhands through your hair, you've got it right.Of course, this all goes back to obscurecaveman mating rituals, where they'd dojust about anything to alert the oppositesex to their existence. Ruthless corporationslike Boots the Chemist encourage thesesexual delusions, as they stand to make atidy profit selling you glue masqueradingas hair gel.In time, you will grow out of this desireto abuse your crowning glory but these 28An Idiot's Guide to Sexmops will haunt you forever. Friends overthirty should have all photos confiscated,because otherwise you can guarantee thaton your wedding day someone will pull outa picture of you looking like a completetit. And you will only have yourself toblame. 29An Idiot's Guide to SexHair ReductionTeenagers also become prey to the desireto pluck, shave and wax till their entirebody shines with scrubbed good health.Well, that's the theory. What this means inpractice is that male teenagers will startshaving before they've even got a hint of awhisker, leaving their faces covered inshaving rash and not much else.Teenage girls pluck their eyebrowsbecause, well, they've never done it before,and come to school looking like Greta Garboon a spectacularly bad day. They'll alsoapply sugar solutions to their legs, whichthey then can't scrape off without it really,really hurting. They'll be obliged to coverup their legs with thick socks for the nextsix months, chiselling off a bit of cruddysugar for a snack each time they feel 30An Idiot's Guide to Sexthemselves fainting because they're onanother cabbage diet.Being In A BandAs Jarvis Cocker quite rightly pointed out,you only become a singer so that peoplewill sleep with you. Let's look at theevidence: Jarvis himself, Mick Jagger, anymember of a boy band . . . yep, if you passedthem in the street you'd be more inclinedto kick them in the shins than drag themoff to bed. But because they all mime intomicrophones and mince around a stage,people seem to find them very desirable.On this basis, millions of teenagers haveformed bands. Records show that at leastthree of them are able to play aninstrument. Further records show that 98per cent of these groups disband after six 31An Idiot's Guide to Sexmonths. Or, in other words – once they'vegot a lay out of it.Reading Teen MagsA whole industry of pap has beenestablished on the back of teenagersdesperately seeking advice on their woes.Agony aunts and uncles take, ooh, at leastfifteen words to give an answer to problems.These answers often contain gems aboutself-esteem, learning to love yourself andpolitely asking that big bully to leave youalone. None of this advice is worth thepaper it's written on. If you want to go outwith someone, ask them for heaven's sakeand if you're being bullied – well, look upthe local hired assassins in the Yellow Pages. 32An Idiot's Guide to SexDrink Cider . . .Often the only way to overcome cripplingshyness is to get drunk. But at the age offifteen there are two barriers to wisetippling: firstly, you have no money to speakof. Secondly, you have no discernment (youactually don't know if one glass of vodkawill get you pissed, so you drink five justto be on the safe side). Having clubbedtogether, you and your mate step into thelocal off-licence. Your priorities are: cheapand strong.Decades of research by generations ofteenagers have shown that the chosentipple is usually a big plastic bottle of cider.Because you can't go home with alcohol,you sit in a park and take turns at swiggingstraight from the bottle. After a bit you'llproclaim, 'Ooh, I'm really pissed,' despite 33An Idiot's Guide to Sexfeeling nothing other than a need to burp.After half a bottle you'll be incapable ofproclaiming anything, but will be projectinglarge and powerful streams of cider andstomach goo. By now you have completelyforgotten your plan to chat up anyone.. . . And Smoke TabsBenson and Hedges, given a choice.Unbelievably, despite all the advice givenby sensible grown-ups, teenagers prefer tothrow caution to the wind and try on thecool cap by indulging in a nasty habit.Contrary to parental opinion, this reallydoes hurt the teenager more than it hurtstheir parents. You have to put in a lot ofhard work and commitment to get past thebody's natural objection to nicotine. Yourfirst few cigarettes will probably make youvery ill indeed, your favourite clothes 34An Idiot's Guide to Sexbecome littered with cigarette burns, andawkward newsagents no longer agree to sellcigarettes singly, so it's quite an expensivehabit too. No wonder teenagers are forcedto turn to crime.Are You Still A Teenager?Find out if you still secretly think like ateenager by filling in this multiple choicequiz. Obviously, if you are under the age oftwenty, you don't need to do this.When you go to the supermarket, what doyou buy?a) Sundried tomatoes and crème fraîcheb) Nappies for the babyc) Bottle of dry cider, please 35An Idiot's Guide to SexWhat does the word 'organism' make youdo?a) Look it up in the science dictionaryb) Tell the biology boffin to go awayc) Snigger and nudge your matesIf you've got a spot, what do you do?a) Cover it up with concealer and wait forit to go awayb) You don't get spots any morec) Squeeze it until your face starts bleedingand then burst out crying 36An Idiot's Guide to SexThe person you fancy has just come over tosay hello. What do you do?a) Offer to buy them a drinkb) Ask if you can take their phone numberc) Turn bright red and ignore themYou think your mum is:a) A wonderful woman who deserves a bighugb) Worth more than your dad, but youresolved that in therapy years agoc) God, just like, really embarrassingIf you answered c) to two or more of thesequestions, then you definitely have a teencomplex. God help you.But All That Was Ages AgoOK, you think, I have now relived the hellof teenage life. Thanks very much. But how 37An Idiot's Guide to Sexdoes this relate to my idiot performance inthe sack these days? Well, the quiz you'vejust done is fine for revealing superficialsimilarities between you now and you withspots back then. But teen angst never reallygoes away; it just masquerades as adultmisery. All those tortured famous peoplerattling around in The Priory aren't reallydealing with addiction issues or nervousbreakdowns. They're still trying to come toterms with the fact that when they were ateenager they were fat, ugly and unloved.Such demons are not exclusive to the richand famous. Particularly in the arena of sex,you'll discover that many of the worries thatplagued you as a teenager are still rattlingaround at the back of your disintegratingbrain and have a major influence on whatfloats your boat now. 38An Idiot's Guide to SexIs My Willy Too Small?Teenage boys spend hours in the bathroomwith a ruler trying to decide whether ornot they are enough of a man. Self-helpguides advise these teenagers not to lookdown at their member as this instantlydistorts perspective, but to look at it in amirror. They don't give any advice if youhave to squint to see it in the mirror. 39An Idiot's Guide to SexThis is an obsession that stays with aman all his life. He will never lose the secretfear that he is inadequate. (Which, ofcourse, he is. In lots of ways. But that's awhole other book.) And frankly, womendon't help by guffawing or wiggling theirlittle pinkie at him.Ear BlowingThere are some aspects of heavy pettingthat are extremely unpleasant. But it's onlyby testing them out that we discover quitehow unacceptable they are. Anything thatinvolves licking, blowing on or nibbling theear is to be avoided at all costs, but manyteenagers think that this is a sexy way tobehave.This is because their only informationabout what is sexy comes from bad pornfilms or American film stars playing, 'Let's 40An Idiot's Guide to Sexmake-believe that sex is a beautiful thing'.If you are still indulging in these pettingantics after the age of eighteen, then youare doomed to sexual failure. Somebodyreally should have said something to youby now.How Do You Put A Condom On?Pity the poor teenager who first tries toput a condom on. They really are the best 41An Idiot's Guide to Sexever forms of contraception, because by thetime you've fumbled around and failed towrap anything in rubber, you've completelylost your erection. Self-help manuals are afantastic source of hilarity on this subject,recommending that you get the hang ofcondoms by rolling them down over abanana.Other self-help books suggest turning thecondom moment into a sexy one, by askingyour partner to help put it on. Again, I amforced to laugh in the face of such advice.Condoms just aren't sexy. Not even banana-flavoured ones. You will always turn tofingers and thumbs when putting one on.When it comes to condoms, you are forevera petrified teenager. 42An Idiot's Guide to SexLovebitesTeenagers wear their lovebites with pride.It is an essential clause of the heavy pettingcontract that you should walk away from aromantic encounter with several purplebruises on your neck. The coy will wear ascarf for the next few days, but any teenagerworth their salt will recklessly leave theirshirt collar gaping for all to see their badgesof honour.Adults also like lovebites (the suburbanversion of S&M), but tend to request theirdelivery to parts of the body that can beeasily covered up. If your partner tries togive you a lovebite on the neck, sack himimmediately. If you ever do spot an adultsporting an obvious lovebite, you can safelyassume that they have recently left theirlong-term partner and are rediscovering thejoys of reckless sex. Sad, then, that they 43An Idiot's Guide to Sexshould have so little imagination as toequate reckless sex with, um, lovebites.Sex In PublicMost teenagers become accustomed to anaudience when indulging in a sexual act.The only time they have the opportunityto get it on is usually at house parties wherethere is a limited opportunity for privacy.Because of this, it is quite common to seerows of couples on the living-room floorlike sardines in a tin, all fumbling andgroping after the requisite consumption ofdry cider.There are always a few sad boys who havefailed to pull and it will be their role towatch proceedings and report back to therest of the school on Monday. On such abasis the reputations of thousands of 44An Idiot's Guide to Sexteenage girls and boys are broken (orimmortalised) forever.And so, twenty years on, crammed at theback of the adult mind is the thought thatsex in public places is, well, groovy baby.Such exhibitionism is not part of an eroticthrill – the danger of being discovered isn'tsuch a big one. Any stranger happeningacross your coupling will probably just turnround and walk away. No, this is all aboutthe desire to return to our teenage selveswhen sex was exciting and fun. It's called,'Let's pretend I'm still young'. And if youneed to have sex in a park to recreate thefantasy of youth, I recommend plasticsurgery. Much more dignified. And you won'tbe recognised if you are caught doing it ina park. 45An Idiot's Guide to SexTweaking and TuggingOh dear. There's so much that goes onbetween a teenage couple that's reallyrather painful. In our teens we're justdiscovering the beauty of the sexual act,but we operate as though we're still playingwith Lego. In other words, we're clumsybuggers. Teenage boys think that nipplesare there to be twisted like a couple ofvolume dials. Teenage girls are almostequally hopeless, as they pull about bits oftheir partner's body with all the dexterityand gentleness of an ape. I sometimeswonder why we didn't all vow to turn ourbacks on sex forever. And yet, and yet . . .Down the years we discover that thegentle touch is the route to seduction. Well,some of us do. Some of us are still mistakingcries of pain for shouts of ecstasy. Well,listen up! Clean out your ears! If your 46An Idiot's Guide to Sexpartner refuses to speak to you after a sexsession, perhaps you need to stop and thinkabout what you're doing wrong.MasturbationLet's face it, this topic almost deserves achapter all to itself. How can I write aboutthe teenager without mentioningmasturbation? Teenage boys masturbateapproximately twenty times a day. (Perhapsmore, perhaps less: I just made that figureup.) Teenage girls swear blind that theywouldn't know how to, and definitely neverhave. But masturbation fulfils an essentialfunction in the life of a teenager. It stopsthem from exploding and gives themsomething to do during history lessons.So how does this affect our adult selves?Well, we might masturbate a little less oftenbut the same rules still apply. It gives us 47An Idiot's Guide to Sexsomething to do. Masturbation is basicallya comfort blanket for grown-ups, remindingus that a tiny part of that teenage lust forsex is still with us. And with maturity comesthe realisation that nobody does it betterfor you than you!Nobody Understands MeIt's not easy being a teenager – your body'sgoing through loads of really weird changes,at a time when you're desperate to appearirresistible to the opposite sex. You feelcompletely alienated towards pretty mucheverybody and think you're the only onewho knows what it truly means to becompletely miserable.But it is at this point that some luckyteenagers also discover that life's not allbad. Your skin may be bad, your hair greasy 48An Idiot's Guide to Sex– but then you find someone to go out withwho also has greasy hair and bad skin. Theyeven like the same bands as you, and guesswhat? They write bad poetry, too. Bizarrely,in the midst of the worst teenage angst,some people have the chance to spend timewith someone they like to call their'soulmate'. Of course, in a couple of yearsyou'll dump them for someone moregorgeous – but in the meantime, it's greatto find someone to join you in your torturedisolation.This is probably the only time in yourlife when you'll feel totally in sync withanother human being. Because given a fewyears (usually after you've first beendumped), you'll realise that we're all justlonely beings who happen to be sharingthe same planet. Most people are vicious,selfish brutes who laugh in the face of your 49An Idiot's Guide to Sexpain. But at least for a short while youdiscovered one of the nice sides of sex –someone who's there to keep you companyand put a bucket by the side of the bedwhen you're drunk. Which leads us nicelyinto the next chapter. A chapter thatexplores the full horror of the single lifeand why you're one of the millions of peoplesat reading this book on their own. Don'tworry, you're not a freak. So, why do youfeel like one? Well, despair no more. I amhere to help you understand that beingsingle doesn't mean that you're sad. Just abit pathetic. 50An Idiot's Guide to SexCHAPTER THREEAm I The Only Single Person I Know?Many people feel like idiots in the world ofsex because they haven't done it for a while.They haven't had anyone to practise on.Some of us can even forget what it's like tofeel sexy. You usually first notice this lackof sex appeal on a Sunday afternoon in aDIY store. You look down at your feet andrealise that you're still wearing yourslippers. 51An Idiot's Guide to SexIf this has ever happened to you, then I'mafraid you only have yourself to blame.You've been letting yourself go. Use thefollowing checklist to see if you're a slobwho deserves to be single.Which of the following apply to you?KYou can't remember when you lastwashed your bed linen.KYou have bought an Indian meal forone from the supermarket in the pastmonth.KYou would not allow people to seeyour underwear.KYour toenails need cutting.KYou can no longer see your kitchenbin for all the rubbish.KYou're on first name terms with thepizza-delivery man. 52An Idiot's Guide to SexKYou watch the Family Affairs omnibuson a Sunday.The kernels from the facial scrub yougave yourself last week still line thesink.KIf one or more of the above apply to you,then you deserve to be single. Who in theirright mind is going to date someone withsuch shocking personal hygiene?These are just a few of the characteristicsthat mark out the sad single person. Butbelieve me, there's a multitude of otherdanger signs to alert you to the presenceof a socially unacceptable nerd . . .Independent StreakYou can always spot a single person by theirability to perform almost any function inlife without the helping hand of a partner. 53An Idiot's Guide to SexTypically, and infuriatingly, these peoplehave no problem with walking into a pubor party on their own. They take holidayson their own and even choose their ownfood in the supermarket. They laugh in theface of your worries when you have to dealwith the horror of a weekend withoutcompany. If these people are getting youdown, it's easy to put them in their place.Just ask them if they also enjoy drinkingon their own. Vast quantities of wine. That'llshut the smug blighters up!MoneySingle people usually have more money tospend than their friends and colleaguesbecause they don't have some waste-of-space partner sponging off them or draggingthem down with their debts. You'll see these 54An Idiot's Guide to Sexsingle people recklessly spending onclothes, books, nights out and fresh pasta.It's not all doom and gloom, though. Ifyou have a friend who's single, take fulladvantage of their financial good healthby 'forgetting' your purse whenever you goout with them. Not only will you get a fewfree nights out, but just when you get sickof being associated with a single personyou'll find that they have mysteriouslystopped phoning.Social LifeSingle people often have a very busy sociallife, or work very late in the office. This isbecause they can't face the beast ofloneliness that's waiting for them at home.Of course, you may envy them this beastwhen confronted with the couch potato thatis your partner. If you start to get a bit 55An Idiot's Guide to Sexdown looking at the sexpot on the sofa,you can always make yourself feel betterby imagining your single friend's home life.At this very moment, they are probablysobbing into their jumper at the desperateemptiness of their nest. (Or they might bewatching Eastenders with a glass of wine,the phone switched off and that infuriatingsmug smile on their face.)A Young OutlookIt is particularly frustrating, upon meetingan old friend who's still single, to see howin touch they are with youth culture. Bythis, I mean that they know what's in thealbum charts, are wearing combat trousersand have their hair all spiky. Of course, yougave up on fashion years ago and your lastCD purchase was Phil Collins. You don't needto look groovy and interesting anymore, 56An Idiot's Guide to Sexbecause you bagged your piece of the actionyears ago and they're sitting at home. That'sright, the couch potato.At this point, you may be tempted toindulge in the sin of envy. Don't! Indulgein the sin of cattiness instead and mutterthings like, 'Mutton dressed as lamb', 'Nospring chicken' and 'I thought theKajagoogoo look went out with the Eighties'.You'll have lost a friend, but restored yoursense of worth.Sex and the Single PersonOf course, the subject that fascinates usis: how do single people get their rocksoff? Are they all having a shagtastic timewith loads of really groovy people ...