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Remedy for Restlessness, Part 2
I told you that however much our culture may have changed in the past centuries, it is still filled with people who long to be in touch with the divine and the transcendent. While not believing God is an option for many-in fact, it's the default option -this doesn't eradicate our human restlessness, our need for faith in something, if not Someone.
Joe Loconte's fantastic new book, "The Searchers" is a welcome and worthwhile guide to that restlessness, its causes, and its remedy.
One of the things that makes "The Searchers" so good is Loconte's honest treatment of what he calls "The Valley of Doubt." One of the primary sources – if not the primary source – of doubt is suffering, both ours and that of others.
One response to suffering is a kind of "magical thinking" that causes people to believe they can make pain and grief disappear by thinking the right thoughts or doing certain things.
As Loconte notes, the disciples on the road to Emmaus had no place for magical thinking. They had no doubt that Jesus had died, and with him, their hopes and expectations.
Another response, one that many Christians are especially prone to, is to look at suffering, pain and tragedy and issue "pious platitudes, theological abstractions, or icy warnings of God's judgment."
This mixture of cluelessness and supreme confidence in one's ability to make sense of the world is more likely to cause people to turn away from faith rather than to turn towards it. Anyone who has lost a loved one to a terrible illness or experienced some other personal loss knows that there are no words that will make it better.
However, the wrong words can definitely make it worse: After God spoke to Job out of the whirlwind, he ordered Job's would-be "comforters" to make sacrifices and have Job pray for them because they had misrepresented God's purposes.
God's response to suffering and the doubt it produces did not consist of words and finely-crafted arguments but of a person, Jesus Christ. While Buddhism, for example, offers insight into the nature of suffering and its origins, Christianity offers a God who lived and died as one of us and then rose from the dead.
If Christianity's claims about the person and work of Jesus are not historically true, then the best we can hope for is serenity and a kind of detached benevolence.
But if they are true–and the Emmaus-bound disciples certainly thought so–then everything changes. Sure, there will still be questions-and suffering and evil will still remain mysterious and infuriating – but hope will not only be possible but reasonable.
These aren't just pious bromides. A friend of mine, for whom suffering is neither theoretical nor something that happens to someone else, finds the strength to go on by reminding himself that "Jesus rose from the dead."
That's it. He admits to not being sure about a lot of other things, but he is certain about that One Big Thing, and for him, that's enough.
This is what gets him through the "Valley of Doubt." And it's the reality that the disciples met on the road to Emmaus. This is the answer to our restlessness.
So I do hope you'll get yourself or a friend a copy of Joe Loconte's fantastic book "The Searchers." It's a great guide for your trip down the road to Emmaus.


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Free Training
A lesson in recycling.
Well over a month ago a man brought me two giant electric forklift batteries valued at $6800.00 each and asked me if I could restore them. I had him leave them at my inventors workshop, and I performed several tests on them determining that they were badly sulfated due to sitting several years in a warehouse unattended. We added our special formula chemical and put them on a very long slow charging cycle for nearly two weeks. The long story short is that the man called me several days ago and told me the batteries were performing perfectly. We had charged him $300.00 for our time and chemicals to do such large batteries. We saved him $13,300.00 in replacement costs. Now this week he has delivered another large forklift battery for our restoration process.
If you would like to receive free training in our process you can start by watching the free videos on this page. http://www.chinadepot.com/batripod.html
Floating vegetable garden research by Walt Barrett
I'm doing a flash research project to get up to speed on building floating vegetable gardens and their productivity. It seems the process is thousands of years old but forgotten in many parts of the world, yet widely used in South East Asia. I am finding that by using recycled materials like used water bottles, along with other salvaged materials it is possible to develop some very large gardens and I intend to develop the process.
The technology is simple and eliminates the need for irrigation totally. Floating gardens also cut up to two months off the growing cycle of many vegetables. The best data I have found so far is under "Floating Gardens" on a www.youtube.com search search. We need to spread this technology to those that do not have it already. The project can actually be zero cost except for the seeds. It just requires a little ingenuity.


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Tools:Memory Imaging
The physical memory of computers can be imaged and analyzed using a variety of tools. Because the procedure for accessing physical memory varies between operating systems, these tools are listed by operating system. Once memory has been imaged, it is subjected to memory analysis to ascertain the state of the system, extract artifacts, and so on.
One of the most vexing problems for memory imaging is verifying that the image has been created correctly. That is, verifying that it reflects the actual contents of memory at the time of its creation. Because the contents of memory are constantly changing on a running system, the process can be repeated but the results will never--to a high degree of probability--be the same. Thus, repeating the acquisition and comparing the results is not a feasible means of validating correct image creation. Memory analysis can reveal whether the image's contents are consistent with the known layout and structure of a given operating system, as well as answering other questions, but it cannot answer the question as to whether the image accurately reflects the system from which it was taken at the time it was taken.
Memory Imaging Techniques
- Crash Dumps
- When configured to create a full memory dump, Windows operating systems will automatically save an image of physical memory when a bugcheck (aka blue screen or kernel panic) occurs. Andreas Schuster has a blog post describing this technique.
- LiveKd Dumps
- The Sysinternals tool LiveKd can be used to create an image of physical memory on a live machine in crash dump format. Once livekd is started, use the command ".dump -f [output file]"
- Hibernation Files
- Windows 98, 2000, XP, 2003, and Vista support a feature called hibernation that saves the machine's state to the disk when the computer is powered off. When the machine is turned on again, the state is restored and the user can return to the exact point where they left off. The machine's state, including a compressed image of physical memory, is written to the disk on the system drive, usually C:, as hiberfil.sys. This file can be parsed and decompressed to obtain the memory image. Once hiberfil.sys has been obtained, Sandman can be used to convert it to a dd image.
- Mac OS X very kindly creates a file called /var/vm/sleepimage on any laptop that is suspended. This file is NOT erased when the machine starts up. It is unencrypted even if the user turns on File Vault and enables Secure Virtual Memory. [1].
- Firewire
- It is possible for Firewire or IEEE1394 devices to directly access the memory of a computer. Using this capability has been suggested as a method for acquiring memory images for forensic analysis. Unfortunately, the method is not safe enough to be widely used yet. There are some published papers and tools, listed below, but they are not yet forensically sound. These tools do not work with all Firewire controllers and on other can cause system crashes. The technology holds promise for future development, in general should be avoided for now.
- At CanSec West 05, Michael Becher, Maximillian Dornseif, and Christian N. Klein discussed an exploit which uses DMA to read arbitrary memory locations of a firewire-enabled system. The paper lists more details. The exploit is run on an iPod running Linux. This can be used to grab screen contents.
- This technique has been turned into a tool that you can download from: http://www.storm.net.nz/projects/16
- Goldfish is a tool that is being developed to get RAM from a Mac. Contact cybercrime.com.
Memory Imaging Tools
x86 Hardware
- Tribble PCI Card (research project)
- http://www.digital-evidence.org/papers/tribble-preprint.pdf
- CoPilot by Komoku
- Komoku was acquired by Microsoft and the card was not made publicly available.
- Forensic RAM Extraction Device (FRED) by BBN
- Not publicly available. http://www.ir.bbn.com/~vkawadia/
Windows Software
- winen.exe (Guidance Software - included with Encase 6.11 and higher)
- included on Helix 2.0
- http://forensiczone.blogspot.com/2008/06/winenexe-ram-imaging-tool-included-in.html
- WinDD
- included on Helix 2.0
- http://windd.msuiche.net/
- http://www.msuiche.net/2008/06/14/capture-memory-under-win2k3-or-vista-with-win32dd/
- Mdd (Memory DD) (ManTech)
- included on Helix 2.0
- http://sourceforge.net/projects/mdd
- F-Response with FTK imager, dd, Encase, WinHex, etc
- Beta 2.03 provides remote access to memory that can be acquired using practically any standard imaging tool
- http://www.f-response.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=79&Itemid=2
- MANDIANT Memoryze
- Can capture and analyze memory. Supports reading dumps (raw/dd format) from other tools.
- http://www.mandiant.com/software/memoryze.htm
- dd
- On Microsoft Windows systems, dd can be used by an Administrator user to image memory using the \Device\Physicalmemory object. Userland access to this object is denied starting in Windows 2003 Service Pack 1 and Windows Vista.
- Windows Memory Forensic Toolkit (WMFT)
- http://forensic.seccure.net/
- http://www.blackhat.com/presentations/bh-usa-06/BH-US-06-Burdach.pdf
- Nigilant32
- http://www.agilerm.net/publications_4.html
- HBGary
- Fastdump and Fastdump Pro
- http://www.hbgary.com
- Fastdump (free with registration) Can acquire physical memory on Windows 2000 through Windows XP 32 bit but not Windows 2003 or Vista.
- Fastdump Pro Can acquire physical memory on Windows 2000 through Windows 2008, all service packs. Additionally, Fastdump Pro supports:
- -32 bit and 64 bit architectures
- -Acquisitions of greater than 4GB
- -Fast acquisitions through the use of larger page sizes (1024KB) but also supports a strict mode that enforces 4KB page sizes.
- -Process probing which allows for a more complete memory image of a process of interest.
- -Acquisition of the system page file during physical memory acquisition. This allows for a more complete memory analysis.
- dd
- On Unix systems, the program dd can be used to capture the contents of physical memory using a device file (e.g. /dev/mem and /dev/kmem). In recent Linux kernels, /dev/kmem is no longer available. In even more recent kernels, /dev/mem has additional restrictions. And in the most recent, /dev/mem is no longer available by default, either. The throughout the 2.6 kernel series has been to reduce direct access to memory via pseudo-device files. See, for example, the message accompanying this patch: http://lwn.net/Articles/267427/.
- Second Look
- This memory analysis product has the ability to acquire memory from Linux systems, either locally or from a remote target via DMA.
- Idetect (Linux)
- http://forensic.seccure.net/
- fmem (Linux)
fmem is kernel module, that creates device /dev/fmem, similar to /dev/mem but without limitations. This device (physical RAM) can be copied using dd or other tool. Works on 2.6 Linux kernels. Under GNU GPL.
See Also
- Windows Memory Analysis
- http://blogs.23.nu/RedTeam/0000/00/antville-5201/
- http://www.storm.net.nz/projects/16
- http://www.friendsglobal.com/papers/FireWire%20Memory%20Dump%20of%20Windows%20XP.pdf


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We encourage you to purchase books from your local independent bookstores. Kepler's in Menlo Park offers 10% of your purchase price to IMC, whenever sangha members mention IMC at point of sale. To order online from Kepler's, click here: Kepler's
Support IMC/IRC when you order from Amazon; use any of the book links below, or click here: Amazon Search. A small percentage will be contributed to IMC. Other non-book items you purchase through Amazon after you enter the site through these links will also contribute to IMC. For even more additional benefit to IMC/IRC you can also sign up with Amazon Smile.
|Unhindered: A Mindful Path Through the Five Hindrances
By Gil Fronsdal
An engaging collection of essays, reflections and practices on the Five Hindrances, the primary obstacles to mindfulness and serenity in the teachings of the Buddha. With his characteristic clarity, born from decades of meditation practice and teaching, Gil Fronsdal demonstrates how to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones on the path of freedom.
|A Monastery Within, Tales from the Buddhist Path
by Gil Fronsdal
Inspired by his years of Buddhist monastic life, Gil Fronsdal has written these warm-hearted stories as part of the tradition of teaching through storytelling. These are tales of transformation and spiritual growth. They delight and challenge as they express different facets of the Buddhist path to liberation in familiar, yet fresh and engaging, ways. Reflecting on the stories points to how each person can build an inner home for the awakened life.Also available for iPad/iPhone/iPod from:
|The Issue at Hand: Essays on Buddhist Mindfulness Practice
by Gil Fronsdal
An inspiring and very accessible compilation of essays and edited talks on the Buddhist practice of mindfulness, by the founder and primary teacher of Insight Meditation Center, Gil Fronsdal. As Gil states, "the search for the issue at hand is the search for what is closest at hand, for what is directly seen, heard, smelt, tasted, felt, and cognized in the present." Gil brings the practice of mindfulness not only to formal meditation but to all the varying aspects of every day life.
|The Dhammapada: A New Translation of the Buddhist Classic
by Gil Fronsdal
The most widely read Buddhist scripture, recommended to new readers of the suttas. This classic text of teaching verses from the earliest period of Buddhism conveys the philosophical and practical foundations of the Buddhist tradition. The audio recording of the text is read by Jack Kornfield.
|Steps to Liberation: The Buddha's Eightfold Path
By Gil Fronsdal
The Eightfold Path is the Buddha's most well-known teaching on the path of practice. These eight areas of practice are equally a holistic approach to personal transformation as they are for wise ways of living in community. This book contains the material for IMC's Eightfold Path course, including reflections and practices for each of the Eightfold Steps. It is a great book for self-study and group discussion.
|A Path With Heart
by Jack Kornfield
"This important guidebook shows in detail and with great humor and insight the way to practice the Buddha's universal teachings here in the West. Jack Kornfield is a wonderful storyteller and a great teacher." Thich Nhat Hanh
|Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness: Walking the Buddha's Path
by Bhante Gunaratana
The Buddha's Eightfold Path to freedom from suffering is skillfully delineated in accessible language with key points highlighted at the end of each chapter.
|Seeking the Heart of Wisdom: The Path of Insight Meditation
by Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield
A thorough and practical overview of insight meditation-a rich source of Buddhist wisdom and practice. Both for beginners and those already established on the path. Useful exercises are included.
|Breath By Breath
by Larry Rosenberg
Larry Rosenberg, a teacher at the Insight Meditation Center in Cambridge, MA, provides a clear description of meditative practice. The technique is based on the Anapanasati Sutta, the Buddha's own instructions to meditators.
|Being Dharma: The Essence of the Buddha's Teachings
by Ajahn Chah
The teachings of Thai Buddhist master Ajahn Chah, a forest monk, who was a major influence on many Western teachers. His straightforward teachings and examples cross language barriers easily as he instructs us on the fundamentals of impermanence and non-attachment.
|Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
by Sharon Salzberg
Sharon Salzberg shows us how the Buddhist path of lovingkindness (metta) can help us discover the radiant joyful heart within each of us. The practice of lovingkindness can radically change our lives, helping us cultivate happiness in ourselves and compassion for others.
|Living This Life Fully: Stories and Teachings of Munindra
Edited by Mirka Knaster
Anagarika Munindra (1915–2003) was a Bengali Buddhist master and scholar who became one of the most important Vipassana meditation teachers of the twentieth century.
Mindfulness Meditation Instruction
|The Experience of Insight
by Joseph Goldstein
A simple and direct guide for the practice of Buddhist meditation. Practical instructions and clear discussion of basic Buddhist topics such as karma, the Four Noble Truths, the Factors of Enlightenment, and Dependent Origination.
|A Gradual Awakening
by Stephen Levine
A simple and heart-felt book on how meditation can work and how we can become aware of ourselves.
|The Heart of Buddhist Meditation by Nyanaponika Thera
A classic guide to the teachings of the Four Foundations of Mindfulness as the fundamental practice for training the mind and freeing it from greed, hatred and delusion.
|Insight Meditation: A Step-by-Step Course on How to Meditate
by Sharon Salzberg & Joseph Goldstein
A step-by-step course by two highly respected teachers. Includes a workbook with mindfulness exercises, question-and-answer sections, photographs illustrating correct meditation postures, and two 70-minute CDs with guided meditations and study cards.
|In This Very Life: The Liberation Teachings of the Buddha
by Sayadaw U Pandita
A precise and profound analysis of mind states and meditation practice, including both practical and theoretical aspects. Includes instruction through the stages of practice and emphasizes the view that, with the right effort, liberation from our suffering is possible in this very life.
|Mindfulness in Plain English
by Bhante Gunaratana
The nuts and bolts of basic mindfulness meditation, the how, what, where, when, and why, including common problems and how to deal with them. His years of teaching Western students give it the clarity and straightforwardness that has made it so popular.PDF/HTML/EPUB available for free at Urban Dharma
|The Beginner's Guide to Insight Meditation
by Arinna Weisman & Jean Smith
A clear and simple book for beginning Buddhist practice including straightforward explanations of the Buddha's teachings on freedom and happiness, and the authors' personal stories highlighting some of the challenges and insights of practice.
|Mindfulness With Breathing: A Manual for Serious Beginners
by Buddhadasa Bhikkhu Ajahn Buddhadasa was one of the most influential Buddhist teachers in Thai history. Teaching in a straight-forward style suited to Westerners, he describes how to become free of worry and stress through the simple act of sitting quietly and breathing, as taught by the Buddha in the Anapanasati Sutta.
|The Experience of Samadhi: An In-depth Exploration of Buddhist Meditation
by Richard Shankman
|Focused and Fearless: A Meditator's Guide to States of Deep Joy, Calm, and Clarity
by Shaila Catherine
|The Path of Serenity and Insight: An Explanation of the Buddhist Jhanas
by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana
|Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English: An Introductory guide to Deeper States of Meditation
by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana
Suttas & Commentaries
|The Buddha before Buddhism: Wisdom from the Early Teachings
By Gil Fronsdal
The Aṭṭhakavagga, or "Book of Eights," is believed by scholars to be among the earliest of written Buddhist texts, and in it we find the Buddha's teaching pared down to its most uncomplicated essence. Gil Fronsdal's translation and commentary reveals the text's central concern to be the joy that comes from recognizing and letting go of attachment to the illusory views that create suffering. It's simple medicine that works for us today as well as it did for the Buddha's first listeners.
|In the Buddha's Words: An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon
by Bhikkhu Bodhi
eveals the full scope of the Buddha's discourses, from family life to renunciation and the path of insight. A concise, informative introduction precedes each chapter.
|Satipatthana: The Direct Path to Realization
by Analayo
A detailed study of the Satipatthana Sutta, the foundational Buddhist discourse on meditation practice.
|The Middle Length Discourses of the Buddha: A New Translation of the Majjhima Nikayaby Bhikkhu Nanamoli and Bhikkhu Bodhi
A collection of 152 discourses of the Buddha and his chief disciples, constituting a comprehensive text concerning all aspects of the Buddha's teachings.
|The Connected Discourses of the Buddha: A New Translation of the Samyutta Nikaya
by Bhikkhu Bodhi
A translation of 2889 discourses of the Buddha, collected into different themes, addressing the heart of the Buddha's teachings.
|The Numerical Discourses of the Buddha: An Anthology of Suttas from the Anguttara Nikaya
translated and edited by Nyanaponika Thera and Bhikkhu Bodhi
Short and easy to understand, recommended to new readers of the suttas. The discourses vary broadly from basic ethical observances for the busy worldly person to the more rigorous instructions on mental training.
|The Long Discourses of the Buddha: A Translation of the Digha Nikaya
by Maurice Walshe
A collection of 34 "long" discourses of the teachings of the Buddha, introduced with an account of the Buddha's life and times.
|The Sutta Nipata
translated by H. Saddhatissa
One of the oldest collections of Buddhist discourses. In a mixture of prose, verse and dialogs, it presents the heart of the Buddha's teachings on ethical conduct and the end of suffering through freeing the mind of craving and ill-will.
|The Life of the Buddha
translated by Bhikkhu Nanamoli
A biography of the Buddha's life and teachings drawn from the oldest written record, the Pali Canon. A unique biography and invaluable resource.
Illness and Pain
|How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers
by Toni Bernhard
|When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
by Pema Chodron
A guide to help readers face the difficulties in life, including fear, pain, despair, rage and the feeling that we are not in control of our lives.
|Break Through Pain: A Step-by-Step Mindfulness Meditation Program for Transforming Chronic and Acute Pain
by Shinzen Young
A practical and indispensable guide for anyone dealing with pain issues. Comes with guided meditations on an audio CD.
|Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness
by Jon Kabat-Zinn
The program of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Mass. Medical Center; a secular book with practical meditation instruction to help patients deal with illness
Teens & Young Adults
|Wide Awake: A Buddhist Guide for Teens
by Diana Winston
Teens today have a lot of pressure to compete and consume. This book talks about this and finding peace amid the ups and downs of life; accepting ourselves; working with difficult emotions; learning how to meditate; and using the fundamental tenets of Buddhism.
|Blue Jean Buddha: Voices of Young Buddhists
by Sumi D. Loundon and Jack Kornfield28 college-aged, self-identifying Buddhists, wrote essays about how Buddhism has affected their lives, self-transformation and means of livelihood.
|Dharma Punx
by Noah Levine
Noah's search for meaning led him to punk rock, drugs, and drinking; but after seeing the uselessness of that approach, he looked for positive ways to channel his rebellion. He delved into Buddhism and instead of rejecting the punk scene, he integrated the two worlds as a catalyst for transformation.
|Zen Shorts
by Jon J. Muth
A lovely, quiet book with beautiful illustrations. Stillwater, a giant panda who happens to be a Zen master, offers three parables for children to contemplate-a simple meditation in itself, even for adults. (Ages 4-8)
by Demi
Clearly and eloquently tells the story of the Buddha's birth, childhood, enlightenment and death, and introduces some of his basic teachings. The delicate, detailed pictures are meant to evoke ancient Indian miniatures. (Ages 8-12)
IMC Community
|Passing It On
A collection of writing and art by lay practitioners connected with the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, California. It shows that helpful teaching can be found in the ordinary lives of lay practitioners.


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David Banner Interview "I never had this much money" @ The BET Awards 2008
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Pardee Hospital Foundation's Myra Grant thanked her friend, the late Vanessa Mintz, as she accepted the 2012 ATHENA Award given in the slain community leader's honor.
FLAT ROCK — Pardee Hospital Foundation's Myra Grant thanked her friend, the late Vanessa Mintz, as she accepted the 2012 ATHENA Award given in the slain community leader's honor.
Standing before a packed ballroom at the Kenmure Country Club Thursday afternoon, Grant was emotional as she spoke about her friend and the people who played a role in her winning the award Mintz brought to Henderson County five years ago as a way to empower women.
"Vanessa, thank you — thank you for doing this," Grant said, as her voice cracked slightly. "I want to thank the Pardee staff and the Pardee Hospital Foundation staff."
Grant, who is the foundation's vice president for Community Accountability and Philanthropy, was one of 11 women nominated for the ATHENA Award.
The award is the highlight of the Business and Professional Women's Luncheon held each year as part of Henderson County's observance of National Small Business Week. The award honors individuals who strive toward the highest levels of personal and professional accomplishment, who excel in their chosen field, devote time and energy to their community, and forge paths of leadership for other women to follow.
A longtime advocate for women's health issues, Grant became the first executive director of the foundation in 1996. The foundation is the fundraising arm of Pardee Hospital.
Grant created the Women Helping Women program, a fundraiser that has generated more than $1.6 million since 1998 for equipment, facilities and services for women's health care. The program also provides financial assistance for uninsured women at Pardee Hospital. Women Helping Women has assisted more than 1,000 women with a variety of health care needs including diagnostic screenings and procedures for cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis.
Grant is retiring from Pardee Hospital Foundation in July.
Red and black ribbons were sold at the luncheon in Mintz's memory, symbols of the national awareness of murder victims in local communities. The ribbons were made by Mintz's daughters, Jessica Freeman and Andrea Little Gray. Proceeds will go into a fund to assist family members of murder victims who are suffering; anyone interested in Christian mission trips, which were a passion of Mintz's; and women who want to further their education.
Meridith Elliott Powell, president of MotionFirst, a management consulting firm based in Asheville, was the keynote speaker for the luncheon. Powell spoke about the power of choice and how people can learn to exercise that power to move from frustration to personal freedom in living more fulfilling lives.
She told the group that a life-changing moment for her came when, on the spur of the moment to comfort an upset friend, she agreed to accompany the friend on a trip to South Africa.
During her visit to a remote village, she helped prepare meals for hungry children and prepared a bed (the only one in the entire area) to allow AIDS victims a place to die with dignity. Seeing the suffering of the people in the village gave her a different feeling than what she had expected.
"I didn't want their suffering to add to the suffering in my own life," Powell said. "But as I prepared to leave at the end of the day, the women invited me to join their prayer circle. I had always been cynical about religion, cynical about prayer. But a feeling of peace came over me. I was jealous of those people because I had so much in my life, but I wanted what they had. I wanted that joy, that peace."
Powell said the event made her realize that she had everything she needed to change her life for the better. The keys to doing that were envisioning what she wanted her life to be, accepting the reality of how her life was at that point in time, and then taking action to change it.
"You have all experienced moments like this," Powell said. "Moments when you finally made the decision to lose the weight, when you decided to change your career, the moment when you decided to begin or end a relationship. You stepped into your moment of change. Everyone has the power to do that, but they must let go of their fear."
Grant will be invited to join other award winners and leaders at the annual ATHENA International Women's Leadership Summit, held each spring in Chicago.
Other ATHENA Award nominees this year were Karen Caruso, owner/CEO of Mind Your Business; Tanya Blackford, executive director of Mainstay; Susan Adell, office manager/head of marketing with Clean Streak Inc.; Maurean Adams, retired executive director of the Children and Family Resource Center; Bessie Bright, retired assistant manager of Spearman Furniture Company; Rebecca Poplin, principal of Upward Elementary; Donna Hastie, president, board of directors of the Hendersonville Symphony Orchestra; Kelly Schofield, principal of Dana Elementary; Rena McCraw, owner of McCraw Insurance; and Jan Stanley, retired educator and coach with Henderson County Public Schools.
The award is sponsored by the Henderson County Chamber of Commerce, Morris Broadband and Judy Stroud/State Farm Insurance.
Reach Kelley at 828-694-7871 or firstname.lastname@example.com.


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< Features
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== Current status ==
== Current status ==
* Targeted release: [[Releases/16 | Fedora 16 ]]
* Targeted release: [[Releases/16 | Fedora 16 ]]
* Last updated: 2011-07-
* Last updated: 2011-07-
* Percentage of completion: 90%
* Percentage of completion: 90%
Revision as of 21:04, 11 July 2011
Condor Cloud
Condor Cloud provides an IaaS cloud implementation using Condor and the Deltacloud API.
- Name: Ian Main
- Email: <firstname.lastname@example.com>
Current status
- Targeted release: Fedora 16
- Last updated: 2011-07-11
- Percentage of completion: 90%
Detailed Description
Condor Cloud provides an IaaS cloud implementation based on Condor using deltacloud (http://deltacloud.org) as the front end to control the cloud. It supports multiple hosts/nodes, caching of images on each node for quicker startup, and copy on write (COW) image files so the images do not need to be copied per-instance. It uses libvirt/KVM to launch instances on the hosts and is fairly configurable.
Benefit to Fedora
Condor Cloud would give Fedora a relatively easy to setup, robust cloud IaaS solution.
The cloud itself is all up and running. The deltacloud driver would have to be merged with upstream codebase. We will also need to create a package for the configuration and scripts needed to set up condor as the backend to deltacloud.
How To Test
You will need to install the Condor package and then get the source from:
There is an INSTALL document in the source, you can see it here:
Once it is an RPM it will just be a matter of installing the deltacloud RPM (with condor cloud driver) and the condor-cloud rpm. The latter will add configuration entries and scripts to allow you to set up condor as a cloud provider.
User Experience
This cloud could be used directly by end users via the Deltacloud API. It can also be used as a backend for Aeolus, although there is some testing/integration work to be done on the Aeolus side.
condor RPM deltacloud RPM condor-cloud RPM (yet to be made).
Mostly we depend on getting the deltacloud driver upstream. I have posted the git repo location to the list and am awaiting review for acceptance. I have talked to David Lutterkort and it sounds like it will not be a problem.
Contingency Plan
None necessary, revert to previous release behaviour.
An in-progress design document:
Release Notes
- Condor Cloud is an IaaS cloud implementation built behind deltacloud (http://deltacloud.org).


text:
Tooth decay is the number one chronic infectious disease among children in the United States, affecting 42 percent of children aged 2 to 11 years. Furthermore, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than one-fourth of U.S. children age 2 to 5 have tooth decay. If left untreated, tooth decay causes pain and infections that may lead to problems such as eating, speaking, playing and learning.
Under the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (ACA), an estimated 3 million children are expected to immediately gain dental insurance coverage under state health insurance exchanges and an additional 3 million under Medicaid. The AAPD worked closely with health care legislators to secure the inclusion of the pediatric oral health benefit requirement as part of the ACA's essential health benefits package.
"America's pediatric dentists are uniquely trained to address the important oral health issues that children face," said Dr. Warren A. Brill, pediatric dentist and AAPD president. "Between the epidemic of dental disease among children and the significant changes to dental coverage under healthcare reform, parents and caregivers need an authoritative resource to help them navigate these critical issues related to the health and well-being of children."
The new branding includes the unchanged AAPD logo mark paired with a new tagline that reflects the approachability, care and expertise of pediatric dentists.
"'The Big Authority on Little Teeth' branding is designed to clearly communicate the AAPD's role as a primary source of children's oral health information to the public," said Dr. John S. Rutkauskas, AAPD CEO. "We believe this new branding maintains our existing identity while moving the organization in a new direction to better connect with consumers."
Back to News


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Five generations of chemists in the Blockx family have been working since 1865 to perfect the Blockx Oil Colors. Today they are still ground on stone rollers and mixed with poppyseed or linseed oil, and no additives or fillers whatsoever.
Color Swatches created using heavy application/medium application/50% tint and were applied on acrylic primed canvas (7 oz) material.
beta copper phthalocyanine
Phthalo Blue PB15:3 is a structural variant of Phthalo Blue PB15 that produces more greenish tones.
Phthalo Blues are completely lightfast and stable and are permanent for all paint uses. They are currently used in inks, coatings, and many plastics due to their stability and are considered a standard pigment in printing ink and the packaging industry.
Phthalo Blues have no significant hazards, although those made before 1982 contained some PCBs (polychlorinated biphenyls).
Developed by chemists using the trade name Monastral Blue, the organic blue dyestuff now known as Phthalo Blue was presented as a pigment in November 1935 in London. Its discovery was accidental. The dark color was observed in a kettle where a dye was being made from a British dyestuff plant. The demand for such a pigment came from commercial printers who wanted a cyan to replace Prussian Blue.
Phthalo Blue Green Shade, Winsor Blue Green Shade
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In the mid 1800s and early 1900s, before natural gas was available as an energy source, manufactured gas plants (MGPs) existed throughout California and the United States. These plants used coal and oil to produce gas for lighting, heating and cooking. At that time, this technology was a major step forward, revolutionizing street lighting, enhancing public safety and enabling businesses to work into the night.
In addition to gas, MGPs produced a variety of byproducts, some of which were useful and marketable, such as coal tar and lampblack. The byproducts that could not be sold were removed for disposal or remained at the MGP site. Most of the sites in PG&E's service area were closed and dismantled more than 75 years ago.
In the 1980s, the United States Environmental Protection Agency conducted research that identified more than fifteen hundred former manufactured gas plants around the country. The research found that, in some cases, residues from these facilities may remain onsite.
Following the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) study, PG&E established a program under the oversight of the California Department of Toxic Substances Control (DTSC) to identify the location of MGP sites and began a process of testing water supplies and soil samples from sites in the service area.
According to toxicologists and health experts, exposure to MGP residues is not common because, in most cases, they are located below the ground surface.
As part of our commitment to environmental responsibility, PG&E works to ensure that any potential impacts to the environment from former MGPs are addressed in accordance with today's regulatory standards. PG&E is in the process of investigating and remediating forty one MGP sites it formerly owned or operated. They are in various stages of remediation, from investigation to post remediation monitoring and project completion.
Where DTSC determines that remediation activities are necessary, we work closely with the agency, residents and local health and environmental departments to design the most effective remediation program for the site.
This is a voluntary effort that reflects PG&E's environmental commitment and responsibility to address issues that may have resulted from our historic operations.
Because these gas plants were historically located near the center of commerce, many of our sites are located in downtown areas, and some in residential neighborhoods. PG&E works closely with those customers whose homes or businesses may be affected by our work to ensure that any associated impacts are lessened and everyone stays informed about the project throughout its duration.
Before site work begins, PG&E and DTSC meet with nearby residents, businesses, and community leaders to discuss work plans and address any concerns they may have. We continue this dialogue throughout the life of the project, and use work notices, emails, meetings, and the web to keep customers informed of progress at the site.
Measures are put in place during remediation to reduce impacts related to noise, dust, and traffic on nearby homes and businesses. This includes air monitoring, installing noise barriers to reduce construction noise, limiting work hours to certain days of the week or hours of the day and restricting the number of trucks that can drive to and from a work site during a given day.
When remediation is complete, we have conducted restoration activities like planting new landscaping, repairing sidewalks or constructing new parking spaces to improve the local community and promote public safety.
Environmental Remediation
Information and Response Line
By email: email@example.com
There is no indication that PG&E's former MGP sites pose any health concerns to the public, based on our testing, experience, and extensive review of medical literature.


text:
All of my adult life I 'wanted' to be something other than what I was, for the most part. It wasn't until about two years ago that I finally reached a point where I just wanted to be good at what I was already doing. I had realized that I did not want to be a midwife; it was too political, people were too mean, it was too much of this or not enough of that - all of which amounted to "it's too hard".
Previously I wanted to be a childbirth educator. I sort of became one. Previous to that, I wanted to become a doula and I did do that, and intermixed in my doula career I entertained becoming a midwife, postpartum doula, lactation educator, etc etc.
I felt like I was always coveting being something I wasn't, and it is a pretty common thing I see amongst my colleagues- we start with something and become hungry for more - but there's always something in the way. Lack of a supportive network, supportive partner, children too young, can't afford training, and a lot of times it just amounts to "I'm really scared to say yes to this path and so I'm allowing these obstacles to stop me for now." At least, I know that was true for me a lot of the time.
I entertained the idea of becoming a midwife because it made sense- because it was my personality, to be in charge, to engage the medical side of things, to be on the 'edge' of a culture, to put my hands on families, and to generally not have to be told what to do. I dig that. I loved the romance of it, the birth stories, and I ached sometimes to be the one to get to make the call about what a woman in labor needed or didn't. I was good about keeping my doula hat on at ALL times but my heart longed to be making those calls.
At the same time, I never thought practically about what it would actually mean to be a midwife. I didn't think about the education- it was more like an detail than a major decision. I'd pick the school that would get me through the fastest and the most affordable and I would get started! It would be so amazing! Malpractice insurance? Getting paid on time? Licensure? Peer review? Having a car that worked, missing several days a week of my family life for birth and prenatals and postpartum and lab runs and transfer sto the hospitals and..... none of that ever occurred to me. I would make all the right decisions so I never worried about having a client or baby be injured or die because of my decisions- I already knew that I would do all the right things!
I assumed that it would all work itself out, I didnt' need to think about it. I was going to be a Midwife. Surely the universe would just allow for me to do this sacred work, no?
I went to a birth with a local midwife as a birth assistant and I thought I was ready, and was not. It was a difficult experience because I was thrown into a role I had absolutely no experience in. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to and not supposed to do - it was clear I was not the doula, but what was I? How was I to relate to the family? I didn't know how to do vitals, or assess mom or baby- I could hold a doppler to her belly but did not know how to count heart tones. I had no business being in that role at a birth and after the smooth, complication free birth was over and we had taken care of everyone and gone home, I felt a little shell shocked. Was this how we were supposed to learn- thrown off the dock and expected to swim or drown? It was after the birth and processing it, and subsequent experiences that all led up to my deciding that I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with midwifery, I was no midwife! Clearly I wasn't, I mean for one thing, the whole thing did NOT come naturally to me and I totally thought it would.
After a long journey, some of which is documented here, I no longer fantasize about becoming a midwife. I realized a long time ago that I already am a midwife. This is where the more medical folks get to check out of what I'm saying and maybe even make fun of me - and that's okay, because I know who I am. I have been providing that care that women seek from midwives with my friends, clients, family and even strangers - for years and years. The thing that women seek from their providers, which often leads them to midwives, is a sense of connection. That was something I was and am good at. I, like anyone who desires to, can learn what is necessary in order to be a safe, professional clinician- but being dialed in is not something everyone learns or is good at.
I describe my knowing that I will be catching babies like knowing when you are pregnant that you must somehow give birth to your baby. It is not a hope or a fantasy anymore. I do not fantasize at all about becoming a midwife, I am realizing as I write... it is more that I fantasize that I will pull all things toward me, with the myriad exemplary educational opportunities I have, to be the safest and most responsible midwife I can be.
Today I sat with families with one of the midwives I assist- in their homes, amongst their children. I watched the midwife touch the bellies and connect with the hearts of these mothers and address the fear and concerns of the fathers. I saw in those moments that romantic, timeless thread that ties my midwife to the midwives who came before us- riding horses to distant homes, slogging through snow or mud or up mountains or down into swamps, riding boats or motorcycles or hitching rides - and with those same hands, touching gently the bellies, soothingly cooing to the nervous mothers, reassuring the families and holding them through the whole journey.
As much as I respect the allopathic approach, I experienced it three times and am no worse for wear - there is something so precious missing. Five minutes a month is not enough to touch a family. It is not enough to forge that deep connection between provider and family where they become a unit.
Obviously this is not the be-all-end-all of care. There is so much more to it. As I attend every birth as a birth assistant, that hypersensitive sense of observation does not wane with each client, where my intuition becomes stronger and more reliable, where when every mother begins to push her baby out my heart races in a way it never did as a doula- I know that I know diddly squat about catching babies, about being responsible for the health and welfare and LIVES of two individuals. Squat. I am humbled every time by what I do not know, and the many years that I know it will take for me to learn what I need to in order to be truly ready to take responsibility for it myself.
I also know, like I knew that my babies would come out of me somehow, that my day will come to hold my hands at life's entrance and receive the baby that emerges. It isn't a hope or a wish - it's just what is.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The knowing
All of my adult life I 'wanted' to be something other than what I was, for the most part. It wasn't until about two years ago that I finally reached a point where I just wanted to be good at what I was already doing. I had realized that I did not want to be a midwife; it was too political, people were too mean, it was too much of this or not enough of that - all of which amounted to "it's too hard".
Posted by RedSpiral at 5:25 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Back to the Middle, Conclusion
While my pal Barb posts on her blog today that she no longer feels herself a part of the Natural Birth Community (NCB), I realize that I never felt I belonged to anything at all, except when my oldest was little and I called myself an attachment parent as often as I possibly could. I only ever wanted to see women. I only ever wanted to hear their stories and be changed by them - even when I thought that the best way to do that was to change them, instead.
I spend a lot less time talking to women about birth now. I listen. I stopped caring years ago whether they had hospital births or homebirths or went unassisted or had a whole cheering squad of nurses in the room when they gave birth. What does that have to do with me?
I stopped telling myself that my births were total nightmares and that I was traumatized. This is not to say I didn't have difficult births in different ways - but at the end of the day my kids and I were here, and we're safe and happy. We're whole, and we love each other, and love the larger world. For me, birth was one day that changed my life, but it's kind of like saying that the wedding is the most important day of your life. What about every day of your marriage? Yes the wedding is important, pivotal and you will never forget- but the real work begins, the real journey begins the very next day with how you treat each other, and how you treat yourself.
I spent years earnestly believing that alternative medicine would work. I believed, when it didn't work sometimes, that I was the problem, not the treatment. I believed that using medicine prescribed by a doctor was a surrender, that I was giving up, that I wasn't willing or able to tow the line of true healing.
Today, I see how we are hurting each other. I see groups on Facebook dedicated to blaming and criticizing the other side of the argument. I see Dr. Amy's hateful vitriol still brings in the viewers and the sad thing is that I can't say I agree with her on some of the things she says publicly without worry about who I might offend.
Don't get me wrong- I didn't drag you through five posts of my story from one side to the other just to ask that we all hold hands and sing around the campfire together. I am hoping that in some way, that in sharing this story that someone else might see themselves within these words.
We are only the experts of ourselves. Just because I know what is right for me, does not mean I know what is right for you.
When we can have a discussion at that level, perhaps some forward movement? When we stop thinking we know everything, that we must defend ourselves, but truly begin to listen - perhaps homebirth can be safer everywhere, and hospital birth more satisfying. Perhaps then we can stop arguing about licensing when it is happening around us whether we're fans of it or not. Perhaps women will desire to become more informed consumers and we will have a better network to help women process their experiences, too. We have to tell the hard stories- we are not protecting women by selling the idea that hospital birth is bad and homebirth (at any cost) is desirable and better. We are only digging ourselves into a larger hole that will someday be nearly impossible to climb out of.
Posted by RedSpiral at 12:12 PM 2 comments Links to this post
Back to the Middle, Part 4
Interestingly, as a doula, I pulled more and more away from 'education', and closer to support. It was not my job to educate my clients. I hear my sister doulas heads shaking right now! ;) My clients had already chosen their provider - doc or midwife- and that was not me. It was not my job to inform them of the risks of an epidural or an induction. It was my job to help them develop their questions - if they had any. The longer I practiced as a doula, the less I needed to know. I had taken a Birthing From Within workshop (or two) and also trained with Childbirth International and between them got a great balance of addressing the mentor relationship and providing evidence based information.
Evidence based- that's a phrase we bandy about as if we know what we're talking about. I can count on two hands, maybe three, the number of studies I've read related to childbirth in my 9 years as a doula. I can probably count on one finger the number of studies I felt I truly understood.
I'd read an article about a study and consider myself informed. If the article came to a conclusion I didn't like, why, it meant that there was some crucial data missing or that someone was uninformed about the complexities of the natural childbirth community. If the article said something I liked, I spread that thing around like wildfire. The funny thing is that both 'sides' of the birth debate do this exact same thing. Dr. Amy for example has tons of experience reading studies and the ability to discern what's being said, or not said- but dismisses Henci Goer's ability to do the same. We don't like being proven wrong, and rather than agreeing that no one is right or wrong, we just disagree on what's being said - we FIGHT.
I appreciated my BFW training because it was then I woke up to the fact that I did not want to be an encyclopedia about birth. I did not want to send my clients home with giant binders of information. I felt that my job as a doula was to lighten their load, not add to it. I learned quickly how to direct my clients questions- especially when they felt that they couldn't trust the answers their providers were offering them. I get a lot of questions about epidurals. I've made it a point to NOT know the answers. I am not an anesthesiologist, and I do not understand the data that's available, and I am not responsible for the welfare of this client. I would suggest htat if my clients had questions that they might set up a meeting to meet with an anesthesiologist ahead of time, so that if they elected to have an epidural that they would choose it knowing fully the risks and benefits. I suggested they do research on their own as well.
Meanwhile I attended a few births with my own OB - watched him let my clients push while standing, push in the bathtub, told the L&D nurses that no vaginal exams were allowed unless he came and did them himself. He spent an hour and a half with me going over my own birth plan - and while we didn't (and don't) agree about everything, he respected me. He listened, and when we both agreed to disagree, he acquiesced on things, and so did I. We found a way to communicate with each other based not in fear (that I would sue/that he would cut me open), but in respect and trust.
It's extremely rare to find an obstetrician who would take the amount of time Dr. C would take, would devote as much of his personal time that he does, and who would see his clients through to the end - which doesn't mean we didn't have 10 minute prenatal visits sometimes but that was fine in those moments. Dr. C healed a lot of the wounds that I believed I had, that I was carrying for others and that I was certainly carrying for the natural birth community - just by being himself and believing in women.
It didn't mean we agreed on everything, he still thinks women in labor shouldn't eat anything - but I'm pecking away at that. ;)
After my third child was born, I was getting pretty sick of the same old stories, same old tricks. I had been run through the Dr. Amy mill on my blog (which is now drastically different as a result) and the Trust Birth faction, I had pissed off my local birth community with innocent comments that came across poorly- I found out that when I started to tell the truth about things I was experiencing, that the birthing community stopped loving me quite so much. You're not a team player if you talk about the fact that things could be better in some ways, and a lot freaking worse in others.
During my pregnancy with her I read books about childbirth again, just to see what was being written - and I noticed a stark lack of 'truth'. The stories about homebirth were largely pretty glorious. I didn't run into homebirth stories that went south. I could turn around and point my finger and hit 10 hospital stories that left women feeling alone, abandoned, dejected or otherwise traumatized.
I started to realize that in our zeal to present out of hospital birth as a reasonable option, we were unwilling to discuss the dirty underbelly - that women and babies get injured, and sometimes die, in childbirth - whether outside the hospital or in.
I noticed that we have a term for crib death, but other than SIDS, nothing for babies who sleep with their parents. A lot of self-righteousness about how wonderful we are as Good Mothers to snuggle with our babies at night, but no compassion whatsoever for those who chose to go another way.
Now I am the mother of a teenager. A teenager! I have friends who now have older children and while my playdates of old were generally a lot of patting each other on the back for how granola we were, and a silent competition for who could be more 'off the grid', now we talk about politics, books we're reading, our marriages. Now we talk in a macro sense about raising children, rather than the minutia. We spend more time talking about how we take care of our souls as women, as human beings- how we make time for ourselves, make sure we have something to pursue as our children grow and need us less and less. It's the polar opposite of how much we could bend over backward to sacrifice more, more, more for our kids. The pendulum swings.
Posted by RedSpiral at 11:56 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Back to the Middle Part 3
Fortunately I quickly noticed what was happening. My clients were (and have continued through the years to be) brilliant teachers for me. Each one opened my heart and showed me that being a Good Mother could look myriad ways. I started to quickly see that even though a client might not chosen what I was hoping she might (for my desired outcome for birth), that very different things were happening, and that she was happy about her birth! I saw too that when my desired outcome would happen that sometimes the women were wounded by that, too. How could this be?
My chosen culture had told me, and I had perpetuated the belief, that if you had an unmedicated homebirth, you'd have a powerful birth experience that would change your life. Sure, every birth is powerful, but if you could achieve that ultimate, pinnacle experience, why... you were some kind of Super Mother. Your Good Mother status could never be taken from you because you had shown the ultimate trust in your body and baby- gone to lengths not many other women had. You were kind of... the holy grail in a way.
I started to see women having blissful, ecstatic hospital births. I got really comfortable in the hospital- I knew the staff, I knew where everything was, I was generally welcomed, greeted when I walked down the hallways. My clients felt comfortable because I knew so well the terrain they did not- the hospital, the procedures and routines, and birth itself. I saw emergencies and urgencies and a staff that responded quickly and almost always, compassionately and respectfully to my clients.
Where was this butcher shop I'd been hearing about? Where was this disrespectful environment where everyone was salivating outside the labor door to cut the woman for the removal of her baby? For the most part, I wasn't seeing it. I'm not saying it was perfect, but that for the majority of births, I had no major complaints.
I joined ICAN to help with some protest rallies that were happening locally at hospitals that were banning VBAC. I found an even more angry and extreme culture. I started hearing about unassisted birth a lot more, it almost seemed commonplace. I heard words like 'sOB' and 'gutted'. I understood the wounds these women carried even if I did not have them. I started talking to women in a supportive way and getting calls from women who'd had cesareans and needed to talk through it. It was Holy work, and I loved it and still do. The women I spoke to on the phone were processing very distinct and specific experiences. It seemed the online forums were a sort of frenzy of macro-processing- we could all pick apart each other's experiences, we could judge the intentions of every provider (which was almost never good), and we could describe our birth experiences in the most violent ways possible.
While I did see several women moving through their experiences, I also saw others who fed on the anger they experienced from their births, and latched on like lampreys to the anger other women had as well. They perpetuated violence in their word choices, in their inability to keep their thoughts to themselves and their seemingly voracious appetites to be confirmed that yes, they had been hurt and yes, it was wrong. Several times I felt emotionally assaulted over what would have otherwise been small disagreements. The environment felt quite volatile to me and I worried that it was accomplishing what it was intended- a forum for women to process, share information, and heal. I asked who took responsibility when a forum of online women were giving advice to laboring mothers - even posting on an online forum for advice during their labors - and someone died? There was no answer to this question. I removed myself after the protests were over, now grateful I had a larger vocabulary with which to define how women were experiencing their births.
Finally I had a chance to attend my very first homebirth. Without getting into details, it was not what I expected. I was left upset and angry after the birth and with an injured client - physically changed and emotionally wounded. I was eager to believe that this was an anomaly - homebirths are magical, wonderful places where miracles happen! Women step into their power while the midwife knits in the corner, believing in her with her smile and calm presence. Even though I didn't experience this, I still believed that maybe something was wrong with this particular situation, but that it was unique.
At this phase in my life I was getting care from a naturopath and pursuing a lot of alternative medicine on my own. I'd try almost anything. If my network had good experiences with it and it had a stamp of "no one wants you to know about this!" I was almost sold- and if a naturopath liked it well... it was pretty much a guarantee.
I had a naturopath who made sure to sell me at least three bottles of supplements at every visit. He showed me all of the bottles I would be buying too, if I wasn't on a budget. I felt overwhelmed with all of the supplements I was swallowing every day, and parched of the funds I was throwing at my provider to help me feel better. I believed that even though some of these treatments weren't working the way we'd hoped, that maybe the problem was me, and not the provider, or the treatment. Maybe I was doing it wrong, or thinking about it wrong, or not educated enough.
When I was early in my sexually active life, I couldn't experience orgasms with my partners. I had heard that many women do not have orgasms and I thought, "Well that sucks- I'm one of those. I'm broken in some way. Oh well." I thought that I was the problem- it never occurred to me until much later that maybe I was unskilled, and my lovers were unskilled! Maybe there was no one to fault, it was just a part of the learning process, the development of intimacy. I remember there was a celibrity once on Oprah talking about her upcoming wedding. Oprah asked her, "What are you doing to get ready to wear your dress?" The wise woman responded, "Nothing. I bought a dress that fits my body." Wow!!!
Posted by RedSpiral at 11:30 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Back to the Middle Part 2
I was the definition of 'breastfeeding nazi'. I was absolutely militant in my stance that every mother who desired to be a 'good' mother, should at least try breastfeeding. Breastfeeding was my entrance card into the Good Mother Club. Without the card, you were obviously, not a good mother.
I was visiting websites like local attachment parenting sites, and the Mothering.com forums. Everything I was seeking out, and being told, affirmed my position. I was probably the most closed minded I'd ever been in my life. I remember having a fight so serious with a friend of mine, that it almost ended our many-year long friendship. My online 'friends' considered this a reasonable loss- if we can not agree about parenting (not just have tolerance, but agree!), then maybe we were not suited to be friends. My heart ached and I wasn't sure how to fix it, but I was also being backed up by my fellow militant mamas so I struggled between my heartache and my closed mind. I went along with the group I'd chosen - I was willing to sacrifice what needed sacrificing, because I had proof my way was right - I was a good mother.
A few years later we got married and decided to have another baby. I'd been hearing about this book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler - that women could know their own cycles? That we could understand our bodies better than doctors? This was right up my alley. Doctors only wanted to sell you drugs and surgeries anyway- they didn't know jack shit about a woman's body or a baby's ability to fight off disease. It was all about getting you in for those well baby check ups so they could get the money from your office visit and sell you vaccines- not because you actually needed to be checked on every year.
This distrust in the 'system' was growing. I kept finding places where I'd been told one thing, and then found out that there was an entirely new aspect that I never knew about- that would have vastly changed my relationship with whatever it was. I was willing to believe almost every conspiracy, almost every anti-establishment reason for things being the way they were. I wanted a pediatrician who not only could handle my points of view, but would be supportive as well - of our non-circumcising, non-vaccinating, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, gentle discipline lifestyle. I wanted someone who would be happy to see us, relieved even, to have the family who did things 'right' show up, after hours and hours of the 'sheeple' coming through for their antibiotics and questions about crib safety. We'd be the oasis.
Well, that never happened. I found a couple of pediatricians who were pretty cool but definitely didn't see things our way- and so we just stopped really going to a lot of appointments. Part of that was that I didn't feel there was much for them to offer me, but the other piece of that was that despite the fact that I was not adversarial with my providers, (I am the inherent diplomat most of the time!) - the respect was not always extended the same way. This was not helping my point of view that most providers just wanted to make that sale and didn't truly care about you as a family, or as a person.
Let's just say it out loud: I was jaded. I thought I knew the big secrets that had been withheld from me. All the websites were saying it! "Buy this product and find out the secret the medical establishment has been keeping from you!" "What do you mean you had your baby circumcised? Don't you know the pediatricians sell the foreskins to make-up companies? Of course they recommended circumcision!" I knew I was right- confirmation was everywhere.
Eventually I became a doula. In the first year of my doula practice (thankfully I didn't have many clients lol), I thought that my job was to help women understand why an unmedicated birth, and especially a homebirth, was best for them and their babies. I wasn't listening to women tell their stories, I was looking for an 'in' so I could drag them to my way of thinking. My respect for women extended only so far in that they did what I thought was best for them. Good mothers had their babies at home, outside of the establishment. Good mothers wanted autonomy, to dip their own urine and to say NO to weight checks. Good mothers were practically midwives/pediatricians/obstetricians themselves - why did they need hospitals unless they were sick or high risk? I was guilty of doing to women, in my practice, in my friendships and on the web - what I was so pissed off was done to me by the medical community. Do it my way, or you are wrong. I know best for you, you can't choose for yourself!
Posted by RedSpiral at 9:04 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Back to the middle - Part 1
I was 20 years old when I had my first child. I'd come from a seriously dysfunctional family of origin and I realized as soon as the nurse at the Health Department said, "Your test was positive," that I knew nothing good about being a mother. I knew in that same moment that I would do absolutely everything in my power to find out what that was, and throw myself into it fully. From day one, I was obsessed with finding out what I'd never been told - how to nurture a human being to become the best they could be.
I read every book the library had on pregnancy and birth. I read Dr. Spock and he warned me to chart my baby's pees and poops and feeds for the first few weeks. I remember thinking, "Is is really this complicated to be a good mom? Oh well, whatever it takes!" I felt disconnected and troubled by all of these books warning me of things I worried endlessly I'd forget, and obviously, instantly fail at mothering my own baby. Then I read Dr. Sears - he is the Ina May Gaskin of parenting - he said, "Trust your instincts. If your body says to hold your baby, then hold her. Keep your baby close, we are mammals and meant to be close to our mothers. Independence will come, just trust your heart, trust your baby, trust yourself."
Consider my hair blown back, and my heart blown open! I was so relieved to hear a message from a pediatrician no less, that I didn't have to have Excel spreadsheets of my baby's ins and outs in order to qualify for the Good Mother Club. I felt like I'd just found some secret- we could trust our babies? We could trust ourselves? I started questioning, and doubting what I'd been hearing my whole life, and what some of these books were saying now. Why was I being sold this story that I had to perform in a certain way to be a good mom- why couldn't I just BE a mom?
Not realizing I had legal options that would have allowed me to choose a different provider, I gave birth under the care of my family practice doctor in our HMO. At the time he was the Chief of Staff and my biggest memory of him was coming in, touching my belly and listening to heart tones, and then standing with his hand on the door asking, "Do you have any questions?" How could I have had questions, I was still trying to sit up and he was halfway out the door! At one point he scheduled the MSAFP test which looked for spina bifida, trisomy 18 and markers for Down's Syndrome. My consent on this test was, "We always run this test at 21 weeks (or whenever it was), it's just a blood test, do you want it?" Of course I wanted it. I was a Good Mother.
What I wasn't told was that this test has a perilously high false-positive rate. I didn't discover this until a nurse left a voice mail message at my house telling me that my baby screened positive for Down's Syndrome, and that I'd need a Level 2 ultrasound. I was shocked - terrified- I was visiting my mother at the time and I asked Randy to drive the hour and a half to come get me, I needed to be with him, and I needed to be home. I had to prepare myself for a life with a Down's baby, I had to process what this would mean for us- I'd just been told my baby had Down's Syndrome and that I'd need some higher level ultrasound - probably involving giant needles and drugs - and I was scared SHITLESS.
I called the nurse back and she was blase'. I asked what a Level 2 ultrasound was and she said, "It just looks in more detail at your baby." I wanted to know the procedure. How big was this needle they were going to poke into me? How long would I be out from what was sure to be a lot of drugs in order to get this giant camera loaded needle shoved into my belly? She didn't understand why I didn't understand what a Level 2 ultrasound was. She explained that it was just another ultrasound, like I'd had before- but the image would be more clear. Well, couldn't someone have said that from the beginning?
We went to the genetic counselor and fortunately all was well with our sweet little boy. But something had been broken in me- my trust. I went online and read all about this test and when I discovered the high rate of false positives, and read other women's stories that were exactly like mine, I was absolutely livid. I felt tricked, lied to, misled. Why didn't my doctor tell me what this test involved, and the risk of taking it? Why didn't he warn me about the false positives so that I'd be prepared in case that happened to me? I started to realize that I didn't have to just accept what I was being told and that maybe part of being a Good Mother was also being informed. I kept reading my books and going on websites for pregnant women with voracity. I wanted to know all of those secrets- I didn't want to be fooled again!
Finally I was 41 weeks and still not going into labor. I didn't know about doulas, this was a pretty new concept at the time - and I hadn't taken any childbirth classes so I sat at home while my boyfriend worked graveyards, unable to drive (because I didn't know how) waiting, and waiting for my baby to come. We had a trip to Iowa for my husband's family reunion coming up and it was getting awful close to the time I might give birth, so I asked to be induced. My doctor of course was accommodating, so we set off for our induction.
My blood pressure had been creeping up but hadn't hit any serious numbers - still in the 135-80 range. Somehow at the hospital I developed pre-eclampsia and a nurse came in and said, "You have pre-eclampsia, we have to give you magnesium sulfate so you don't have seizures." She plugged it into my IV and walked out. I was suddenly out of it, and on fire at the same time. I couldn't get comfortable and now I felt like a caged animal at the same time. My mom and aunt arrived and I asked them to leave because I just couldn't handle the distraction of being stuck in the bed, lit on fire with Pitocin contractions at the same time. I don't remember almost any of my labor.
My baby boy was born and after a brief stint of panic and disassociation on my part, we were working on breastfeeding and sent home, a family. I went home with my baby who had been inside me when I got morphine, magnesium sulfate, and an epidural. The kid was tired and nothing I did would wake him up. His latch was so much work when he would wake up that at one point at 4am (I'm now convinced that all breastfeeding emergencies happen at 4am) I put him down on the bed, crying, while Randy made a bottle and cried my soul out that my baby hated me and that I was a failure as a mother from the start. I did not know that the drugs from my labor would affect my baby and his ability to breastfeed - I wasn't told even after he was born. I didn't know that breastfeeding would be SO hard. I had thought that with all my reading and time on bulletin boards that I'd know exactly what to do, and when I didn't, it was really earth shattering for me. The bottle crushed me, it crushed my heart- it was the first symbol that I was not going to get this mothering thing 'right'.
I got myself together and I looked at my son and I told him, "We are GOING to figure this out." I was determined. We would feed this baby however he needed to be fed but the first sensation he'd have every time he squawked was my nipple at his lips. Finally, he chose me. My heart was bursting as nursing got easier and easier, and I thought - I can't be the only person who is struggling with breastfeeding!
With the best of intentions and with my confidence up, I went online and started talking with women about breastfeeding - working through troubles, and learning a lot myself.
Posted by RedSpiral at 8:48 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Friday, June 10, 2011
Birth as Prayer
In the dark the phone rings. It startles me awake and I struggle to sound like I've already been awake for a while. (Why?) My heart races as I grab my bags and race out the door.
Blessed are the police officers who will turn a blind eye to my dark gray vehicle, slinking through the night.
Blessed are the traffic lights that will turn green just for me.
I drive quickly and my belly fills with the juicy anxiety of not knowing what will happen next. What will I find when I arrive? I pray that I will be a tree, that I will be grounded deeply to the earth and that my vision will be limitless for all possibilities. That my arms will be strong to hold this family, that my heart can carry whatever will come. I drill through neonatal resuscitation, that I will remember what to do if this baby needs my hands to help it.
Blessed are the trees, who remind me.
Blessed are the skilled teachers who prepared me for this birth.
I arrive and slow my breathing. I stand outside the temple of birth, where secret, mysterious and sacred goings-on are hidden inside like a jewel in the night. Everyone around us is unaware to what is unfolding in the steamy, pungent night. I greet the midwife, I greet the family. I set down my things and I wait to see where my energy will slip into the labyrinth.
Blessed are those in vigil, even those who are unknowing.
Blessed are the hands and heart of the midwife, the guide and guardian.
Blessed is the Baby, pushing, rolling, and knowing nothing other than total trust to navigate earthside.
Blessed is the Partner, guardian and defender.
Blessed is the Mother, Holy Vessel for life, unfurling from her.
I greet Death. Welcome, Death, please stand with us as we see this family through their death and rebirth. We, the midwife and I, sit quietly by as this couple dies in front of our eyes. We wait for their first breath of rebirth, which comes with the first breath of their baby. The Underworld is a stop in the journey of birth, one where we pray that the family will not visit long. The death of a couple, reborn into a family. The death of a maiden, reborn as a mother. The death of things that will now fall away, unneeded, deprioritized, and the birth of new priorities, new ways of communicating, new levels of love, and trust. Thank you, Death, for your guardianship, and for stepping away as we claim this family for Life.
Blessed is Death, the sister of Birth, who stands in vigil with us.
In the steamy dark, a cry cuts through us all. An exhalation passes through me while the parents lay tentative hands on their baby, hot and slick on the mother's belly. The pulse of the cord beats between mother and baby, the clock ticks while we assess that the transition has completed and that Sister Death will not be needed today. We sit back and watch the baby's eyes and mouth and hands open to explore the soft, yielding flesh of the mother, and the mouths, eyes and hearts of the parents open to greet their baby.
Blessed is the Opening.
Posted by RedSpiral at 9:06 AM 1 comments Links to this post


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Hi everyone,
I have a 1924 D U.S. penny which I've researched the value around $40. It also has feed finger die damage. Would this increase it's value?
U.S.A. 1924D Cent with Feed Finger die damage
General discussions on foreign coins.
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Re: U.S.A. 1924D Cent with Feed Finger die damage
Is your coin a 24D or S? From the reverse, I'd say that your coin is G-6 at best and doubt that even full retail would approach $30 for a 24D. Any marks that are post-mint damage or damage at the mint would lower the value even more. It's a hole filler. but still a nice find.
Bill in Burl
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Isn't that every single photography web site on the planet?
Where is the other half of the essay that goes into depth on Hard Skills??
I posted the essay up on the class facebook page for my photography students to read.
I find the term "skill" for the so-called "soft skills" too narrow and somewhat misleading, though it is in general use. E.g. many people in jobs believe "soft skills", "emotional intelligence" or "social skills" is something like the ability to convince people, charm them or make them support your case. These people often like to read according training books how to become a better social manipulator or leader type.But this is far, far below of what is actually needed in case of the sensitivity, attitude and judgement required to do something deep, something that can have an impact and of course it touches imaging and arts in general. I find the term skill implies something that can be trained, and to some extent this is true, but only to some limited extent.I find it's more something in the realm of long term development, including our character, our overall attitude towards life, the world and people and our moral / ethical integrity. Skills of various sorts surely are a part of it. But it's far more than a skill. Its much more difficult to develop, far more a long term endeavour and much less plannable than anything else. It also falls into areas of life where we are much more predetermined by childhood development and our past in general than anywhere else. It is crucial we don't underestimate the time, patience, energy and personal committment required to develop. Basically "personality" or "character" is what actually describes it more correctly. The term "soft skills" does not really encompasses what it's all about. I also don't believe it can be tested .Just saying ...Cheers~Chris
If we are talking about what it takes to "create" photographs, I suspect there is no single answer. I have loads of books on my shelf by a variety of photographers claiming to teach "style", "how to see" and "what makes a great photo". I can't say I'm convinced by any of them although they're all worthy efforts. I reckon it is just down to individuals figuring out what works for them. For myself, I (now) take the view that as I appear (after decades) to have developed some kind of clear idea of what kind of pictures move me, I might as well just concentrate on making those kinds of photos and forgoing all the other possibilities. I'm shooting for my own satisfaction, it really doesn't matter whether anyone else likes them, trying to second guess what others will regard is "good" is a dead end. Nowadays, I just try and make the kind of pictures I like, concentrating on the subset of techniques needed and forgetting about all the hundred and one other ways a photo can be made and look. Reducing the options, narrowing the focus, not covering all the bases and concentrating on something seems to side step all the confusion and uncertainty that comes with too many options, too much possibility. Bruce Percy has mentioned this kind of thing in some of his writings. Often you are better off with some kind of equipment limitation (a single prime lens,say) because the limitation of not having a bag of gear forces you to find a way of making pictures rather than merely hoping your massive gear bag will cover any opportunity. Having too many possibilities distracts and confuses even as you imagine you are equipped for anything. Find a subject or style that moves you, shoot that thing and keep the gear simple enough that you have to think the photo into existence is my recipe. Looking at and collecting and surrounding yourself with the kind of shots you want to make helps with that narrowed focus too.
I'm shooting for my own satisfaction, it really doesn't matter whether anyone else likes them...
Nowadays, I just try and make the kind of pictures I like, concentrating on the subset of techniques needed and forgetting about all the hundred and one other ways a photo can be made and look.
What matters is knowing what we want to achieve. Anything we want and do not have yet, lies outside of our comfort zone. If it was in our comfort zone, we would already have it. We therefore have to leave our comfot zone to acquire it. I spend a lot of time out of my comfort zone.
You are still suffering from the delusion of seeing yourself in control? Cheers~Chris
One never is entirely in control, Chris. At best, we discover early the pathway for ourselves. Rob C


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YES! Picks: Green Gift Ideas
This year, celebrate the holidays for what they truly mean to you. It's easy for consumerism to take over the holiday season, so the YES! staff (and some crafty readers) made a list of our all-time favorite gifts and experiences. From our family to yours, Happy Holidays!
Do you have a great gift idea? Let us know in the comments section!
Made to Order...
One year, my sister and brother-in-law didn't have money for Christmas presents. They spent hours scouring the Internet for podcasts, lectures, and interviews and then made everyone their own set of mix CDs tailored exactly to each person's interests. Of course, it was all free, but they spent a lot of time finding compelling things that I wouldn't have otherwise heard. It was touching how much consideration they put in when it came to topics I would be interested in.
One year that was particularly financially difficult for my father, he made my sister and I an Italian dinner in a bag. He filled a canvas recycled tote with his homemade marinara, fresh pasta, a lovely bottle of a local Cabernet and a hunk of Parmesan Reggiano. This gift idea can be made even more special when you can share this meal with the gift giver.
—Gretchen Wolf
My friend Jed loves poetry, so I bought a plain little journal, painted the cover, and hand-copied my favorite poems into it. That was three years ago, and I still get phone messages saying things like, "I'm sitting by the lake reading that poetry book again!"
—Brooke Jarvis
Gifts That Keep on Giving...
Like many people, I probably enjoy giving gifts even more than I like receiving them. So, when my boyfriend gave me a gift certificate to Kiva, the micro-lending website, it was perfect. Because you choose whom to lend money to, you really feel the connection of investing in their cause. And, once your loan is repaid, you can choose someone new to lend to!
My church is involved with Advent Conspiracy, a movement for people to spend less and give more meaningfully at Christmas. The campaign promotes the organization Living Water International, a group bringing clean drinking water to villages around the world. This year I plan to give my friends a reusable water bottle with a note inside that says I made a donation in their name to Living Water International.
—Alex Abdallah
A few years ago, I decided to make donations to Heifer International in my family members' names. It seemed scary, because everyone else in the family was still giving and receiving more traditional presents (also known as "stuff"). I was afraid they'd think I was lazy. But I spent time choosing a different Heifer animal for each person, and found little figurines at the local toy store to represent each one. When I gave out the cards tied with ribbon to cellophane bags with little toy animals inside on a bed of green paper grass, my stepmom teared up! Everyone was really touched.
—Jessica Lind-Diamond
The Gift of Time...
I'm known in my family for crocheting hats. But one of the best gifts I receive is from my kids—what they call "Happy Mommy Books." They are made up of hand-illustrated "coupons" for things they will do for me on request. When they were young, these included taking a bath without whining, cleaning their room, or reading me a story. As they got older, they included a weekend visit home (with small print requiring advanced notice and escape clauses in case of finals), a day of yard work, and wood splitting. I treasure the illustrations and imagination that go into the coupons as much as the work they represent.
—Sarah van Gelder
daughter and her husband love to go to a nearby hotel with a wonderful
spa—sauna, massage, and steam bath. It's too much of a luxury for
their budget, but it works perfectly as a Christmas gift.
a friend at YES! gave me the gift of an hour with a life coach and
Vedic astrologer. What a wonderful way to help inspire your friend or
family member and to start them off in the new year with a renewed
vision of their future!
—Gretchen Wolf
I'm a big fan of giving experiences as gifts. Last year I gave my boyfriend tickets to see jazz legend Dave Brubeck in concert. We spent two hours listening to amazing live music together—he loved it!
For my parents, I bought a certificate for two to go on a jet boat
tour down Hell's Canyon, which they've lived near for decades but had
never really explored. It was a way for me to give them a memorable
experience, while also supporting our local tour agency.
One of my favorite gifts is to let someone know not only that they are loved and admired, but also specifically why. For a friend's 50th birthday, I wrote down on 50 slips of paper things that reminded me of her: how she always hugs her kids before they go to school, or always reminds people at potlucks that she detests cilantro ...
For a friend's 40th birthday, I got a dozen or so of her friends to email me their heartfelt words about why they appreciate her. These luscious slips of paper are put into a pretty box ... and on days that the recipient needs a pick-me-up, she will know somebody loves her!
-Jing Fong
It's in the Wraps...
Easy steps for turning your old calendars into holiday gift bags.
Last Christmas, my loved one hand-wrapped all of my stocking stuffers with recycled paper grocery bags and decorated the personal gifts with his own holiday drawings, favorite quotes, and expressions of love. Stockings have always been a favorite of mine so this sweet touch made mine even more special.
When my girls were small, I used to lay out large squares of
recycled craft paper and let them decorate the paper with their own
painted hand- and footprints, various stamps, and creative drawings.
This paper was used for holiday gifts and oftentimes was sent to family
far away, offering a peek into their creativity and stage of life.
—Gretchen Wolf
I'm into recycled and handmade, so I bought a bunch of Christmas mugs at Goodwill (69 cents each) and am filling them with homemade cookies, fudge, and a candy cane. These go to many friends. For my nieces I add an iTunes gift card, so they also get a gift of music.
—Audrey Watson
Photos are always a priceless gift—whether you find ways to document the season, or take the time to dig through forgotten photos. I like to give my photos with an extra-special touch by making the perfect frames for them. I've made some of my favorite frames using a "rust" glossy finish spray paint; it looks aged yet very sophisticated.
Another fun gift is to find an old cabinet door at a thrift store, find a
bottle opener from a hardware store, use some more of that rust glossy
spray paint or some spray paint chalk, and make your very own wall art
bottle opener—add a six-pack of your favorite homebrew and it's the
perfect gift.
—Jane Baumgartner
My family recently started playing "Dirty Santa." Everyone brings one gift that is under a pre-set price limit and draws a number. In order of the numbers drawn, people choose a gift from under the tree to open and keep. Or they can steal a gift from someone who has already opened theirs. The person who was stolen from can steal someone else's gift or go back to the tree to unwrap another gift. It is entertaining, funny, and more about the time we spend playing together than the gifts.
—Caitlin Battersby
From Our Readers...
This year I've written a letter to all the family asking that we make, thrift, or buy from local artists (and Etsy) for our gifts to each other. That wool sweater I accidentally felted in the dryer? I cut off the arms, sewed spot on the cuffs for thumb holes, and decorated them with stitches and buttons. It's a fabulous holiday gift for my niece.
Also, homemade candles are easy to make using vintage candy tin molds, wicks, and beeswax from leftover candles. You can also purchase some large match boxes and decorate the outside with craft paper, German glass glitter, and vintage jewelry or buttons.
As homesteaders, we often find ways to create gifts for our family and friends. This year, homemade Kombucha Tea will be on the list, as well as a Kombucha SCOBY (Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast). Kombucha, with its probiotics, is too healthy not to pass along. We received our original SCOBY for free, and at this time we will do the same for anyone who wants one. Contact us through our website: CoyoteRidgeFarms.com, if you want a free Kombucha SCOBY. Just pay the cost of shipping, and it's yours.
Click here for the Kombucha recipe.
YES! Reader
- Give the Gift of YES! Forget the shopping mall. Take care of your entire gift list with this special discount offer.
- : Video: How to make a handmade bow from recycled paper.