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One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Knee Strategy
A pork on the lam huddled under a burlap sack rides in the back of a rickety ramshackle jalopy in search of adventure, in search of experience. Up until now it's been eat, poop, roll around, talk to spiders, sleep. A pig needs more than that! A pig needs stimulation, camaraderie, seasoning if you will. So one day when the jalopy hit a lobster claw in the road that looked suspiciously like a nipple, Horatio had no choice but to jump off the tailgate and wander the mean streets of Samoa. And wander he did... right into a homeless camp of tooth picking pod people. New friends! Upon seeing Horatio, these new friends didn't welcome him warmly. Rather, they licked their honey mustard lips and began to frantically slice pineapples. One girl inexplicably ran around in circles with a rope while another stood with a paper plate waiting for ham sandwiches to go flying through the air. Fortunately for Horatio, these scraggly ne'er-do-wells were neither bright nor determined. After five minutes of a Benny Hill chase they collapsed into an exhausted pile and gave up. While they slept, Horatio rebuilt the shelter, found a Hidden Immunity Idol, voted off the Sisters Grim, and went on to have his own show on A&E called Pigging Out. I hear he even has a fragrance coming out next year called Porcanthemum. Let's recap, shall we?
So here we are, back again. The little man is gone or maybe he's still sleeping in that fruit crate? *shrugs shoulders* If the smell of death starts to eek out of what the Survivors are now using as a bench, I guess we'll take a look-see and see if it's cookable. Until then, the sun's gone dim, and the moon's turned black. It's dark and hopeless out here at God Of The Anus (née Tikiano). Tarzan (Greg) counts on his tongue depressor fingers - one, two, two men - and then mumbles to no one in particular that he might as well pack up his surgical tools (glue sticks, sea cucumbers, and twine) and head on home. Or maybe he could join the women, but keep it on the down low that he's really working with Troyzan (Troy). Eh, no biggie, he's got a vaginobivalvoplasty in the morning so... *yawn* nighty night.
Handlebar (Kim), however, is slightly more agitated. Sitting in a corner twirling her mustache, she's not exactly thrilled that her name came up at Tribal Council. She was hoping to keep her presence in this game a big fat secret for as long as possible. You know - very little personality, no sudden movements, a quiet slithering through the greenery. Wallpaper. Think wallpaper. The problem with wallpaper is that no matter how nondescript or boring it is, inevitably it'll bug the crap out of someone and that someone is Troyzan. He's onto you Handlebar and your mismatched stripes. Whether in the daylight or late at night, all he does is stare and stare at your wiggedy whack lines. If he can't tear you out with his own bare hands, then he'll point you out over and over again until someone finally pays attention. It's all he has. He's alone in this game for now. Tarzan may be a man, but he doesn't count. He's a help to no one... except maybe a poor third world child with a harelip who's open to having a little papier mache reconstructive work done.
Sidebar: What's with all the freaking food this season? I mean, come on! These bitches eat better than I do and I'm not stranded on an island calling myself a "Survivor". I'm just a wee bitch with a case of gin and a couple of packets of uncooked pop tarts. Occasionally, I'll dip some Klonopin in Nyquil and call it a banquet. Never in my life have I had a spread of steaks, potato salad, lobsters, pies, cakes, cupcakes every three days. Every three days! Not every Reward Challenge has to have food you know. Stop coddling these chuckleheads CBS. I want to play ribs like xylophones and watch their hair fall out. Now that's entertainment!
Kerplunk! We've arrived at another Reward Challenge only this one is slightly more delicious than others we've seen in the past. First off, there are creepy voodoo doppelgangers of the Survivors hanging ominously above a funeral pyre waiting to be lit. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - more setting stuff on fire on reality shows! I'm also open to burning losing contestants on a stake. Tarring and feathering, drawing and quartering... I'm chock full of ideas. Holla at your girl CBS. I'll make your shows great again.
OK so for today's challenge, Dimples will ask you a series of embarrassing questions where you will openly humiliate one another. The goal is to pick which Survivor you think the group picked as a whole. If you get the answer right, you get to chop a rope holding up the Voodoo People. If your creepy doll gets chopped 3 times, it will fall into the fire and we'll all get to watch as the skin burns away and your ribs turn to ash. The last person standing will win a helicopter ride to a picnic. Survivors ready, go.
Question #1: Who doesn't deserve to be in the game?
A Greek chorus of ChaCha's (Christina) rings out in the amphitheater as Troyzan, Handlebar, and Prunes (Chelsea) get it right.
Question #2: Who would you trust with your life?
I would have picked Tarzan because of what he can do with scotch tape and a staple gun, but the group picks Handlebar and Troyzan's doll falls into the fire.
Question #3: Who most needs a wake up call in life?
Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat... a thousand times Kat. I wanted to feel bad for Kat, but then I saw this...
Naturally, I ripped off my shirt, pushed pause, and danced naked around the room while chucking prunes at the television. I mean, look at that. It's even wearing the ugly hat! (Thank you Rob for this photo because I know, I KNOW, you did this especially for me.)
Question #4: Who is the biggest poseur?
Everyone but Jugs, who picks ChaCha, picks Troyzan. I'll go ahead and agree with the group on this one. Anyone who adds a 'zan at the end of their name is a douche. Love, Colette Lalazan
Question #5: Who does the least for their tribe?
I expected to see any number of names. Maybe Tarzan because he's always in surgery. Maybe ChaCha because she seems to be a slow mover. Maybe Kat because she pees in the water hole and bathes in the poop ditch. Or maybe Prunes because all she does is pick her teeth and moan. The one name I didn't expect to see was Sabrina. If they picked her over ChaCha, then you know the bitch is lazy. And in this round we lose Kat and Sabrina to the hungry flames.
Question #6: Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?
Handlebar wins with an overwhelming majority which leaves me scratching my head. Handlebar? Really? Days spent staring at nothing. Low monotone conversations about the weather as the years passed by and your sanity fizzled to a little piece of dust. I'd hurl myself into the fire if I had to spend an eternity with that whole mess of boredom. My choice would be Kat. I'd bring court jesters back into society and Kat would be their patron saint. We'd dance jauntily around the campfire and wear hats with bells on the ends. Anyhow, we lose ChaCha in this round.
Question #7: Who do you hope to never see again?
*holds up Prunes sign* The correct answer is Troyzan and... HANDLEBAR WINS REWARD!!!
So, Handlebar, who would you like to take on Reward with you? "Jugs!" Huh? But, but, but... you said there was no way in hell you'd choose Jugs. Dimples then tells Handlebar to pick another person to join her. Kat packs up her belongings, pats down her hair, whips a fork fashioned out of birch twigs out of her back pocket, and makes her way over to Handlebar. "Prunes! I pick Prunes." Kat stops in her tracks confused at to why "Prunes" doesn't rhyme with "hat". Seeing Kat's crestfallen face, Handlebar whispers how sorry she is, but Prunes is just so hungry. She never eats. Hold up Geraldo, didn't Prunes just go on a Reward? Didn't she get to eat cake at that auction? Tell her to eat that ugly hat of hers if she's so hungry.
Troyzan turns to Kat and says, "See? You're not a top dog. You're on the bottom! If they liked you, they would have chosen you. Now let's vote out Handlebar!" Kat purses her lips in response and stares down at her grumbling tummy. Troyzan's words aren't really computing. What is computing is that a happy Prunes and Jugs are climbing into a helicopter getting ready to stick their heads face first in a vat of macaroni salad.
Back at camp, Kat just can't let this not getting picked thing go. She's hungry too dammit! Troyzan tries again to chisel away at the cookie layer on Kat's brain - "It wasn't about food today. It was about strategy." A chocolate chip falls to the ground as Kat stares back vacantly. Troyzan then grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her crumb by crumb. "Wake up," he implores. "You have to wake up to what's really going on." Still, it's not registering. Kat isn't mad that she's not in Handlebar's top three. She's mad she didn't get picked and now the national television viewing audience will see her as a weak player. Now, you're worried about being weak? NOW? I'm sorry to burst your Bazooka bubble head, but we've always thought you were weak and it has nothing to do with Hairy Hairy Quite Contrary not picking you. Don't get me wrong, we find you funny and charming in a bumping into walls kind of a way, but we never really thought of you as strong, Kat.
Troyzan, God love him, doesn't give up. He tries and tries to find an opening where he can deliver some common sense to sad Kat. But all he comes up with is a sticky jelly coating that can't be penetrated. Only Goo Gone and a sledgehammer might be able to make some headway, but as Tarzan is in the middle of a molluskytuck, all of the tools are otherwise occupied.
The more Troyzan talks and reasons and pleads, the more Kat breaks down to the point of liquification. Sugary tears leak from her eyes as she storms away annoyed at her crumbling cookie layer. Troyzan telling her over and over again that she's not one of Handlebar's final three isn't just pissing her off, it's making her crack. Yet, she still doesn't get it. It still isn't sinking in. Her outer shell is crumbling all around her, her friends are off licking mayonnaise off one another, Troyzan keeps hurling emphatic daggers of truth and yet... nothing. Not a damn thing but "I don't want to be seen as weak. *sniffle sniffle*"
There are some people in the world who have the capacity to only deal with one problem at a time. Add an additional dilemma to their lives and they lose the plot. They go crazy. They're confused and jumbled up inside. This is Kat. Non multi-tasking Kat. Right now she's dealing with not getting picked. Later, maybe, when she's reconciled all of her feelings, sought therapy for what the blogs will say, and gotten over not being picked... then she'll be able to move on and deal with the strategy aspect of it all. Unfortunately for her, Survivor is only 39 days long and her season will be long over when 2015 rolls around.
Eventually, Handlebar, Jugs, and Prunes return from their Reward to find a soggy lump of cookie dough at the base of a tree. Handlebar picks it up gingerly, takes it to the beach, and places it next to her. Looking down at the gooey dough with wet eyelashes, Handlebar says quietly, "Don't be mad." Nimble fingers from inside the dough start hurling chocolate chips and almonds at Handlebar's face as a tiny voice yells, "I'm furious!" Handlebar picks a nut out of her mustache and says, "You know how much I adore you Kat." Kat sniffles as she kneads herself back together.
Handlebar hopes she's made Kat feel better, but was all this flour and egg in her hair worth it? Rubbing her full belly, she regrets winning. She regrets not picking Kat. She regrets not bringing her Nair... wait a tic, is that a pig?!?
*Horatio enters camp, removes his hat and bows. "How do you do? My name is Horatio. Can you spare a drop of water for a weary traveler?"*
Handlebar hollers, "KILL THE PIG!!!"
From out of nowhere banjo music starts to play as Horatio drops his knapsack and begins to flee. Cries of "Grab the ax!" fill the air as Troyzan fashions a lasso out of some surgical twine. ChaCha runs to the makeshift kitchenette to slice some pineapple while Kat spreads mayonnaise on slices of bread.
"Ham sandwiches!"
"Just eat the leg!"
"Stick an apple in it's mouth!"
"Spear the hell out of it!"
Horatio hides under a bush as he wonders what sort of maniacal devil worshiping camp he's wandered into. All he wanted was an adventure, a little time to find himself. Instead, he has walked right into some sort of carnival abattoir inexplicably covered in cookie crumbs and various marine life appendages. Lucky for him, these freaks keep tripping over their own feet and lassoing one another. In the end, the castaways are about as good at killing as they are at playing the game of Survivor and Horatio lives. In fact, he's convinced them to give him a bed in their shelter and a bowl of rice. I predict he wins Fan Favorite. Text LITTLE PIGGY to 1-800-CBS-SUCKS.
And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, Survivors will face off and slide down a slip-n-slide while gathering rope rings. Once they reach the end, they'll hurl their rings at a post. The person who lands their ring on a hook will move onto the next round where they'll do it all over again having to land two rings. The winner of Round 3 will win Immunity. Survivors ready, go!
First up is Prunes and Jugs. After getting lubed up... hang on, I'm still waiting on Jugs to finish lubing up her jugs. *tick tock, tick tock, 10 minutes pass* Ok, now we can begin. Both daintily hit the slide with Prunes popping one of her water balloon boobs. You should've listened to Tarzan when he suggested sand filled chesticles would last longer. Mine feel awesome and they form nicely around beer bottles. Blah, blah, blah, Prunes wins.
Kat dances her way to victory over Sabrina in her heat and everyone everywhere is happy she's back to her old self again.
Next up are the 'Zan boys - Tarzan v. Troyzan. A frantic Troyzan knows he has to win this. He's in the zone. He's sliding his way to the end while Tarzan is inching along at a snail's pace. Throw, throw, throw - goes Troyzan. Miss, miss, miss - goes Troyzan. After about a half an hour of Troyzan chasing his rope ring all over the place, Tarzan arrives and waits. And waits, and waits, and waits. Toss! Tarzan wins. Wait, Tarzan wins? Yup, Tarzan wins. Oh dear.
The competition continues, but it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? How can we possibly care about Handlebar beating ChaCha when Troyzan is standing on the beach with a gun in his hand. Staring at the sea, staring at the sand... dead man on the beach, dead man on the beach.
In the end... HANDLEBAR WINS IMMUNITY!!! But so what? So freaking what? Troyzan needed that win and, quite frankly, I'm sick of Handlebar winning/planning everything. I mean, I guess she's doing well in the game, but she's so boring! Looking into my crystal ball and seeing a Handlebar victory makes me cringe. I cringe for the predictability of it all. I cringe for the complacency from all the other players. I cringe at quiet introspective game play. Quiet introspective game play is ruining reality television!
Back at camp, Handlebar does what Handlebar does best. She tells everyone exactly how to vote and everyone nods back at her dumbly. Stupid robot pod people. Think for yourselves! Don't let her tell you what to do! Letting another person call all of shots is essentially letting that person win the game. Does the name Boston Rob ring a bell? I'm suddenly reminded of a movie quote... Our little plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The dance. That stupid dance! What a bunch of followers you guys are. I mean, at least I got... At least I got paid. Name the movie in the comments and you're a big weiner. Name the dance and you're a double big weiner.
So the plan is to split the votes between Troyzan and ChaCha. Handlebar and her little clan of followers are still unsure as to whether or not Troyzan has the Idol so splitting the votes works in their favor. Although, why ChaCha? Why not Tarzan or Jugs? Tarzan is a penis person and Jugs is far more threatening than ChaCha will ever be.
To make matters even more unbelievable, Sabrina marches up to ChaCha and tells her that they're voting for her. She tells her! She. Tells. Her. *smacks self in head* Oh, and get this... ChaCha is fine with it! She goes up to Handlebar and says it's ok for them to write her name down. *jams a shish kabob poker in the eye* They should write down Sabrina's name for being such a dim witted big mouth. I'm amazed Handlebar has gotten as far as she has with these half wits on her heels. I guess that's a credit to her leadership skills. I don't know. On the one hand, they're easy to manipulate. On the other hand, they're morons!
After thinking about what Sabrina has told her, ChaCha chats with Troyzan in the water and wonders to herself how she can possibly trust the girls anymore. Better late than never I guess. She proposes to Troyzan that they vote out Prunes (yes!), but Troyzan has a feeling the girls will be splitting the votes. And his feeling tells him that the split will have nothing to do with Prunes. If only he could figure out who the other person is that they're writing down... "So they're going to write down my name," says ChaCha... out of nowhere. *plucks eyeball out with rusty spoon* Troyzan smiles to himself. All he needs now are four people to vote out ChaCha.
Before Tribal Council Troyzan tries one last time to recruit as many people as he can. Tarzan gives him a noncommittal burble while Kat replies by blowing a bubble in his face. Good luck with that buddy.
And this brings us to Tribal Council with Dimples looking fetching in green. He inquires immediately if the tribe is still divided by gender. Troyzan assures him that it is. Dimples next asks Sabrina who is number 6 and number 5. Sabrina replies with, "It's been down do day 2, day 10." *scratches head* Huh? I move that from now on when someone doesn't answer Dimples' question directly, they get poked with a cattle prod. Just to mix things up and keep them honest.
ChaCha chimes in and says there has never been a discussion about who is the top 3 or top 5 to which Prunes, dumb ass Prunes, replies, "Nu uh! We've had our top 3 since day one!" And there it is. There. It. Is. That is exactly what Jugs, Kat, and ChaCha need to know. That's it! There's your answer ladies. Prunes just said she had a top 3 since day one and if you don't recall having a conversation about that with her, then guess what? You're not in it!
ChaCha still doesn't get it though. She maintains that the top 3 is changing everyday. Dimples finally can't help himself and asks, "ChaCha, why are you here?" ChaCha replies, "Because I'm one lucky girl." Now, I thought Dimples was asking why she was there in the game of Survivor not how she lasted that long. Regardless, Jugs starts cracking up and cites how everyone said in the Reward Challenge that ChaCha shouldn't be there. Ok. Good point Jugs, but you know what that tells me? That tells me that ChaCha would be the perfect person to take the end. You stood there and witnessed an entire tribe saying ChaCha sucks in this game. "Hot dog! I'm taking her to the end" would have been my response. Not, "nya nya nya nya no one likes you."
The bickering between Jugs and ChaCha continues as Jugs accuses ChaCha of having no strategy. ChaCha insists she that she does indeed have strategy. Only, it's a quiet strategy. A silent strategy, if you will. A strategy of which cannot be spoken or seen. A strategy that exists beneath the surface.
It is here that Troyzan tries to sell the women oceanfront property in Kansas. Ole Kansas Boy Dimples giggles to himself and says, "There's no ocean in Kansas!" Kat whispers to Handlebar, "I wonder how much that property is going for."
Alright, enough chitchat. Time to read the votes. One vote for Prunes, three votes for ChaCha, and four votes for Troyzan. Troyzan is the the 11th person voted out of Survivor One World.
So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you sad to see Troyzan go? Will the dumb ass girls ever turn on Handlebar? Did Troyzan crack Kat's cookie shell enough? Can Tarzan possibly sneak through to the end? Will you vote Horatio as Fan Favorite? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
43 comments:
- AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 2:03 PM
Can't buy me love, and not the beatles version ;)ReplyDelete
great re-cap, per usual Lala!Replies
You're a big weiner!Delete
Can't Buy Me Love...The African Anteater RitualReplyDeleteReplies
You are a super big weiner.Delete
Of course, OF COURSE I did it especially!ReplyDelete
Have missed your blogs, had a crazy hat on and not my computer. Better than ever. You rock, LaLa!ReplyDelete
- AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 3:20 PM
Posted by Exfighterpilot:ReplyDelete
Our "no-strategy-ChaCha" should be given credit for trying to make a big move this time. She was directed to vote against Troyzan, but she defied the girls alliance and did in fact follow through with her vote against Chelsea, without waiting to ensure they had the numbers (as she thought Troyzan would do also). At least she isn't blindly going along like the others.
- AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 3:36 PM
Welcome back LaLa!ReplyDelete
Now that Troyzan's gone, can I root for Horatio? Pretty please? Really, who else is there? He has more personality than half of the people on that island.
I might not like Handlebar, but I do admire how she is playing the game. Unlike the other females, she wanted Troyzan out strictly because he was a threat, not because his ranting, gesticulating, desperate play, and "posership" hurt her feelings. Handlebar may seem dull, but at least we can respect her gameplay.
Four more things:
1. I'm with you on the food. Seeing these contestants stuff themselves every week makes me feel like I'm the one who's starving.
2. Why do the women root for Handlebar to win EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE? I knew she was controlling everyone, but she has apparently indoctrinated them.
3. ChaCha, like I said before, is the most subservient player in Survivor history. Hey ChaCha, what if Troyzan DID have the hidden idol? Then YOU would be going home! Or...was that a part of your "silent strategy?"
4. Did you catch what Dimples said to Troyzan just before the vote? He said, to this effect: "One thing's clear Troy, and that's that either you or somebody else is going home tonight." (Thanks Dimples! We're now all dumber for having heard that.)
- AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 3:55 PM
Wow, someone who agrees with me about rational thought. Why, why, WHY do the sycophants come out in droves during this game while their profiles and auditions claim they are all great 'leaders' and 'strategists'?! Handlebar's presumptuous smile has got to go., and with OY-Zan gone, let the bickering begin!ReplyDelete
- AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 4:09 PM
I'm so f**king bored with this group, I don't care how it turns out. Cha Cha has stockholm syndrome, BTW--she's acting like a beaten wife, all excuses and denial. I did love Troy's whispered comment to Kat on his way out. He may have sealed her fate. I only wish he had loudly announced that Handlebar had his vote (Godfather moves closer for the kiss of death and whispers, "you broke my heart, Fredo"). That would have caused some juicy changes...but alas, poor Kat.ReplyDelete
Team Horatio!!ReplyDelete
You hit it right on the nail. Complacency has been the name of the game this season. Well that, and Stupidity.
Great blog, as usual. Everyone hop on the 'Zanwagon.
Handlebar is the one who should be calling herself "One Lucky Girl" because she is not going to win this game, everyone else is giving her the game. I still find it outrageous that she has all these other girls convinced they are going places with her, there is only two spots up for grabs and one of those spots is for Prunes, because we're friends and we do everything together you know.ReplyDelete
Cha Cha is kind of coming around a little but it is way too late I think,maybe she has a secret piece of strategy she plans to use right before her ultimate death from the game, I love Cha Cha and she is the one I am supporting this season but WTF....what are you doing Christina, give us a sign of your hidden yet silent strategy, have you in fact got Colton's Idol or something even greater.
Kat is going to take much longer still and I agree Lala, she's not getting it at all, she's just worried that maybe she is not as loved by Handlebar as she once thought, there were early signs of her "I-Can-Think-For-Myself-You-Know" but we know she cannot, even Troy's departing words to her I still don't believe she got.
I would also like to agree on two things with you, these bitches are eating better than I ever have in my entire life, although I must confess once I ate 2 Big Macs on consecutive days and also if Horatio gets the votes and wins Fan Favorite then this season was not a complete waste of time.
Once again great recap, I so enjoyed this one and welcome back. Now my Survivor experience for this week is officially complete.
- yours trulyApril 26, 2012 at 6:11 PM
Horatio for the win.ReplyDelete
Long time reader... first time poster...ReplyDelete
These players are all horrible, Im tired of non-thinking followers being picked. Theres always going to be some knuckleheads every season, but virtually the whole cast this year? Come on! Troyzan leaving left me empty inside... Kim is playing the best game, but thats not saying much. Its like Boston Rob all over again. Sure he played a great game, but the other players LET HIM WIN. Just they are going to LET KIM WIN. I was so hoping to see a Kim pop up on that last vote, and about vomited when it was Troyzan. And last thing, enough food... starve these bitches!
- AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 7:35 PM
Dearest Colette,ReplyDelete
First let me kiss some ass.(Yours to be precise.) You make even the low point episodes enjoyable. I tell every Survivor fan at work to read your blog.
Now let's get to what really has been driving me crazy with this cast:
1. Why does the 'Stache annoy me so much? I will admit to being a huge Boston Rob fan - for all four seasons mind you - but he worked for it. He was watching his tribe mates 24/7 and damn it, he managed those people, LIKE A BOSS! What does the "stache do, she casually mentions what she wants people to do.... and it's done!!!
2. Tarzan is Philip's brother-from-another-mother, but he's the smarter twin: like Danny Devito vs Arnie. He's there to be dragged to the end. He's nothing like Matt from the Amazon season who worked at being crazy and still won to get there_ the most deserving player who was shafted with 2nd place IMHO.
3. Troyzan was entertaining but do I feel bad that the guy who takes pictures of supermodels in string and gauze didn't also get 1 million dollars is out? Not really.
4. The rest of the cast left in the game or on tribal council - too forgettable.
Maybe next season. Thank God for Dimples!
- LissersmomApril 26, 2012 at 8:01 PM
This has got to be the most boring season of Survivor EVER, but who would have guessed the first couple of weeks that the women would be up 6-2 at this point. Craziness! Those are some stupid bitches..which doesn't say much for the men!ReplyDelete
- AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 10:08 PM
Kim and Tarzan are scheming a lot more than they are showing. If you watch the slip and slide challenge you can see Tarzan standing next to Kim with his head down and it appears that he is mumbling to her on the sneak. Kim is ok keeping Tarzan around as a swing vote when the women fracture. She doesn't mind keeping him around because she thinks no one likes him and won't give a plastic surgeon a million dollars (and maybe he can't win challenges). Tarzan likes the alliance because it keeps him around and more than winning he wants to be able to say at the reunion that he knew what what going on all along (massive ego). Is Chelsea in on the Kim/Tarzan alliance? Not sure.ReplyDelete
My last remaining hope is Kat, and that's not going to happen either. I hate all the rest that are left. This isn't Survivor they're playing out there, it's a prom queen popularity contest and it sucks. There's no outwitting or outplaying happening, just dumb sheep following the prom queen. Nobody left out there deserves a damn dime.ReplyDelete
I did like the shot of Horatio lying about camp as the players came back from the IC - he's got my vote!!
There is nothing left to the season as is aptly mentioned above. But I have a theory, we got the "B Team" producers and editors this season, the "A Team" was off building the new sets for the next season in the Philippines and searching for contestants that match their intelligence level. Those of us that have worked in the business world know that bad managers always select bad employees, in this instance that ragtag bunch of "survivors". Those of us here in Colette's "little army" are operating on a higher intelligence level and therefore cannot understand how this season's crew can be so unaware, but the Survivor "B Team" sees everything just fine, they picked them, what could be wrong? In today's political correctness approach, I suggest that we are being too harsh on the "B Team", we should have compassion, we should help them, we should be more understanding as they walk to the land of the irrelevant, that is "low TV ratings".ReplyDelete
Best Tweet of the week: Horatio was the 4th smartest Survivor this week.
Worst Tweets of the week: Cha Cha making excuses for her paralysis.
Thanks to Colette for this week's blog, it has not been easy for her, but I am still laughing over the "Vaginobivalvoplasty", had to read the blog a second time to catch that one. I am proud to be associated with the very intelligent "little army"!
Idiots. Kim is the only one with a clue, apparently now that Troy is gone. But Kim better be careful, she has another hurdle ahead of her. In the previews she talks of offing Sabrina, then Kat. But that would leave the three remaining misfits with a 3-2 advantage over Kim/Chelsea. Can you possibly imagine a final three of Cha Cha, Jugs and Tarzan? Holy shit, who deserves to win in THAT group?! But it could happen. Kim needs to off Sabrina and THEN Jugs! Kat can always get offed later. Kim seems to be a smart player, perhaps she'll see this unfold ahead of time.ReplyDelete
Oh, and this had me laughing out loud:ReplyDelete
"Text LITTLE PIGGY to 1-800-CBS-SUCKS" I snorted up coca cola, thank Colette! :)
- yours trulyApril 27, 2012 at 11:45 AM
Crispy toast. Troy's Ozzyness was lacking what I predicted, nothing to back it up in challenges. At least he was entertaining while attempting to stir the pot. Somewhere along the way I lost the plot. Cha Cha didn't do anything marvelous with a vote for Chelsea. She didn't swing with the gals that had too much fun rubbing on each other's oiled bodies. She couldn't vote for herself to help Troyzan.ReplyDelete
There wasn't any compelling reason for anyone to follow Troy instead of Kim. They couldn't vote her out and haven't even attempted to make her play her idol. We're left to wonder if Kat's head is full of powdered sugar or a creamy flavored filling. Now we are trapped in the vast emotional wasteland of female emotions. Who does Mom like best?
I'm not even certain Handlebar brings her hidden idol to tribal. I'm also still on the fence about who is in the facial hair lead. I gave an edge to Ball Cap this week.
Damn the side boob fuzz, there isn't much to hide in full frontal. Perhaps it's a tattoo? NBC peacock.
The next person to leave won't have an idol. Tarzan did his best to not win the last challenge. He was watching instead of tossing and that was after making sure he was last to the tossing mat. Perhaps he's hoping for some sort of mud wrestling challenge. It seems to me he is next to exit. Can't have a good cat fight with an old dude as witness. He's also got the biggest boobs.
- AnonymousApril 27, 2012 at 12:16 PM
Loved the blog, hate the show. I have become so bored! For me, Survivor usually starts to drag around this time but I don't even want to watch it anymore and I only watched it this week so I could read your blog.ReplyDelete
Our local paper gives a 2-line rundown on some tv shows and this week it said "If you can stand the boredom 'Survivor' on at 7pm on CBS." Even my newspaper thinks Survivor is boring! The most exciting thing was Kim not taking Kat on the reward. I did like the voodoo dolls though.
Ya not a great season. Kim definitely the best player still in the game. But then again its like the special olympics out there...nobody knows whats going on. If only Colton hadn't got sick...this season may have been great. As much as everyone love to hate him...he was entertaining.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousApril 27, 2012 at 3:28 PM
Why are 95% of Survivor contestants so fucking stupid and malleable?ReplyDelete
- AnonymousApril 27, 2012 at 3:34 PM
Agree on the overfeeding of the inmates thing. Has ChaCha been on a reward recently? Because it appears to me that she may have actually gained weight out there. How is that even possible?ReplyDelete
- AnonymousApril 27, 2012 at 4:05 PM
I don't think they have ever had a dumber player on Survivor than Kat. The girl has only about two cells working in her little brain.Every season there are times when the low people on the totem pole could change what is happening in the game if they would wise up, but they never do! Troyzan tried to tell them all exactly how to survive and they all were so stupid they let the moment pass.They don't deserve to win.ReplyDelete
Well, now that Troyzan is gone, I'm done with this season.ReplyDelete
The only way to save this season is to remove the blurred out nipple slips and butt cheeks and have the girls wrestle in whatever baby oil is left from this weeks challenge.
ChaCha be mine!!!
- AnonymousApril 27, 2012 at 6:27 PM
In a couple years the next time Jeff ranks the Survivor seasons best to worst, this one will likely be at the bottom. The one that had the male porn actor win it (Brian Heidk?) was the absolute worst. This one now has become even worse.ReplyDelete
There's no memorable personalities. No excitement. Kim is like a robot and annoying (not to mention difficult to look at), and the rest of the remaining players are just insanely stupid.
For the first time, we likely won't finish the season. It has been a family ritual for years to gather round and watch it instead of DVR'ing it, but I don't think we even want to watch it DVR'ed now. Oh well, I'll have my Wednesday nights free now for a few months...
- AnonymousApril 28, 2012 at 12:05 AM
Kim is hands down the best female player to play survivor. She will win this season. She makes zero mistakes and all her followers do exactly what she wants when she wants. She and Chelsea are athletically far superior to the other players left and will win all the immunities from here on out. This season has been great. It's too bad Troy realized so late what was going down, and its too bad that Kim had her hooks into everybody so deep by the time he made the decision to fight back. Kim will easily control the rest of this game and be victorious. I am a huge fan, beauty, brains, and athletic skill. Kim is a modern day Wonder Woman.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousApril 28, 2012 at 1:44 AM
Skimmed the comments, and was surprised that no one had yet lambasted Jugs for her awful comments in that one interview where she mentioned being a special ed. teacher...ReplyDelete
She says (paraphrased):
1) 'Cha Cha has an IQ of zero', then 'does that even exist'?
2) 'I'm a special ed. teacher, so I'll just treat Cha Cha like I would my kids'.
She also says something along the lines of: her methods of teaching are that her students should do whatever she tells them to do...
WTF!?! This woman should not be teaching! She clearly knows nothing about special needs, and does not respect or care for those with mental issues. How could she even joke about that? Although, she probably wasn't joking, more likely she was serious. Anyways, she's awful, I hope Horatio bites her, and she has to be flown out for a rabies shot, so that she can't win. Go Horatio!
Oh my God! *smacks forehead* I've just realised what's happening on the island! It's something that has never happened before in 23 seasons of Survivor! No previous castaway has had the audacity and the skill set to attempt such a strategy...ReplyDelete
I'm talking about lobotomies!
They haven't been captured on camera. He must have performed them in the deadest hour of night - the witching hour when even the camera crew has been lulled by the sounds of lapping waves. Like a stealthy Victor Frankenstein he has steadily gathered frontal lobes… at least 3 so far by my count.
Remember when Christina successfully negotiated with the men for fire? Well, that was when she still had a frontal lobe.
Remember when Chelsea astutely aligned herself with the best player? Definite evidence of frontal lobe activity. He must have gotten to her the night before that simple puzzle challenge.
And Kat. Hmm, he must have performed the procedure on Kat before she even arrived on the island! Perhaps on the plane? The boldness!
I always suspected there was more to TarZAN than the quirky iconoclast that meets the eye. He obviously smuggled surgical equipment onto the island. That's why he "casually" tossed his panties into the boiling water. He wasn't trying to hide poop, he was trying to hide blood! The scalpel was in his anus all along!
TarZAN's dastardly plan is obvious to me now! He intends to operate on these women one by one until they are all balloon breasted Stepford Wives incapable of having an original thought or perceiving what's happening around them. Clearly he has already gotten to Christina, Chelsea and Kat. Alicia will be next if he can hold her down long enough. Sabrina will follow. Then, finally, he will turn his scalpel to the Randle P. McMurphy of the group: Kim. If he can successfully remove Kim's frontal lobe then he will have removed the last obstacle between himself and the million dollars. The man is an evil genius! I love it!
Oh, and my compliments on your new purpley glittery wallpaper. All those other blogs will be SO jealous! They'll try to act all cool and casual when they come over for tea, but you'll sense it. They'll probably say something offhand like "Oh, new wallpaper? Lovely", but then you'll catch 'em sneaking furtive glances at the glittery walls and trying to hide their envious faces behind their teacups. Fuckers.ReplyDelete
Agree on the overfeeding of the inmates thing. Has ChaCha been on a reward recently? Because it appears to me that she may have actually gained weight out there. How is that even possible?ReplyDelete
...er, can you past tense this stuff? Let's see: *slapped forehead and smiled while driving home last night when iPod shuffled to The Cure*. Hmm, sort of.ReplyDelete
I THOUGHT there was something familiar about how you described Troyzan's sulking. At the time I passed it off as just a little poetic licence and continued reading... but I really DID slap the ol' forehead last night when, half singing along to Robert in the car, I reached "...dead man on the beach (dead man on the beach)".
Absolutely perfecto contextual usage, bitch. Nice. Consider yourself officially responsible for the most pleasurable moment this season of Survivor has given me.
My big sister is the huge Cure fan and introduced me to them. She bought all their vinyl (remember vinyl?) My favourite is Disintegration. Can we get some weiners?
No! Don't cry M! Try to laugh about it. Boys don't cry.
*hides tears in eyes*Replies
I was hoping someone would pick up on that!Delete
There is also a stanza from a Dorothy Parker poem lurking within.
It's like a lovely little pop culture scavenger hunt.
For I loved him, andReplyDelete
He didn't love back.
Too bad her natural cynicism prevented her actually writing a drippy two-volume novel about affairs of the heart. I mean, there's just so much money in it! Throw in a vampire or two, add a touch of sadomasochism, maybe even some teenagers killing each other, and sit back and listen to the ka-ching! Enough moolah to stay drunk forever! And not on the cheap stuff either - strictly Beefeater's baby!
- AnonymousMay 2, 2012 at 4:56 PM
Fact: this season sucks! The players are all lame. I actually wish Colton the racist was around because at least he had had a brain and was trying to win. Troy was the only other person actually trying to win this besides Kim. However, IMO Kim will not win this. She will not get the votes. My money is on the men voting in block and once Kim starts voting women off the island the girl's lovefest will be over.ReplyDelete

subset: commoncrawl


text:
A Modern English Kitchen Design is a room or part of a room used for cooking and food preparation in a dwelling or in a commercial establishment. Knowing what you like is one thing. Knowing how to get it is another thing altogether. Find the best Modern English Kitchen Design design ideas to match your style. Browse through images of design & ideas to create your dream Modern English Kitchen Design.
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NEW BRIGHTON, Pa. — Police say a man who apparently shot and killed himself in an apartment building surrounded by police is the same man suspected of fatally shooting a woman outside a Wal-Mart near New Castle hours before.
The dead woman is Mariah Anderson, 22, of New Castle, and state police Lt. Eric Hermick says the dead man is believed to be the shooting suspect, Carlos Harper, 27, who had been dating her.
Online court records show police got a warrant this morning for his arrest on charges of criminal homicide and aggravated assault.
Anderson was shot Sunday night after finishing her shift at the store in Union Township, Lawrence County. That is several miles from New Brighton in neighboring Beaver County, where police had the apartment surrounded.


text:
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Download the latest version of IBM ThinkPad UltraNav Pointing Device drivers according to your computer's operating system. All downloads available on this website have been scanned by the latest anti-virus software and are guaranteed to be virus and malware-free.
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IBM ThinkPad UltraNav Pointing Device Driver Update UtilitySupported OS: Windows 10, Windows 8.1, Windows 7, Windows Vista, Windows XP
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Overall Rating:
G550 Driver
MercurySource: Manufacturer Website (Official Download)
Supported OS: Win 95
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1 DownloadSubmitted Mar 28, 2005 by Nagarajah (DG Staff Member):
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text:
Quote:Big Bob
It was on tonight's team sheet but it appears that only the Members Bar will be open. If this is the case then my wife,son and I will give it a miss and go elsewhere. I predict that there will be a big turnout that will make the Members Bar too cramped.
Maybe we could use this site to give the club some idea as to how many people would attend Sandy Park for this event ?
Any chance you could set up a poll Moorsman ??
Quote:Mr Clarke
Poll is rather pointless if the other areas of Sandy Park have been booked. Is access for the members bar for this occasion free to all or will you have to show your membership card to get in?
Hi all,
If this is proving to be popular then I am sure it will be moved into the BIG bar....
As far as I am aware, there are no other events on at the Club that night.
I suggested this event to the bar manager and she has asked me to warn her if it sounds like there will be large numbers attending as she will increase bar staff and take another look at which bar we use. I think that if this is a success then the Club will look at doing this more often when the trip away is a long or costly one and the match is telivised...
Keep me posted !
Total users online:
Most users online:
Users on this site:


text:
Ross McWhirter (right) with his twin brother Norris
On November 27, 1975, Ross McWhirter was assassinated by two IRA terrorists. He was shot outside of his home in north London. His killers Harry Duggan and Hugh Doherty, both of whom were members of what became known as the Balcombe Street Gang were captured and charged with his and nine other murders.
They were sentenced to life imprisonment but freed in 1998 under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement. McWhirter was a sports journalist who helped co-found the Guinness Book of Records. In the early 1960s, he became a Conservative Party activist. In 1975, McWhirter co-founded the ultra right wing political organization National Association for Freedom. The organization initiated legal challenges against the trade union movement in the United Kingdom. He also advocated restrictions on the Irish community in Britain such as making it compulsory for all Irish people in Great Britain to register with the local police and to provide signed photographs of themselves when renting flats or booking into hotels and hostels. In doing so, McWhirter recognized that he could then be a target himself. In addition, McWhirter offered a £50,000 reward for information leading to a conviction for several recent high-profile bombings in England that were publicly claimed by the IRA. This was considered a 'bounty' by the IRA, a view that led directly to his assassination on November 27, 1975.
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text:
A clavicle fracture is a break in the clavicle bone (also called the collarbone). It connects the sternum (breastplate) to the shoulder.
The clavicle can fracture in 3 different places:
- Middle third—the middle portion of the clavicle, which is the most common site for a clavicle fracture
- Distal third—the end of the clavicle connecting to the shoulder
- Medial third—the end of the clavicle connecting to the sternum
A clavicle fracture is caused by trauma to the clavicle bone. The trauma is usually caused by:
- Direct blow to the clavicle
- Falling on an outstretched arm or on the point of the shoulder
- Newborn babies can break a clavicle passing through the birth canal
Risk Factors
A risk factor is something that increases your chance of getting a disease, condition, or injury.
- Increased age, because of the increased risk of falling
- Osteoporosis
- Certain congenital bone conditions
- Participating in contact sports
- Violence
- Large newborns have a higher risk of fracture during birth
Symptoms include:
- Pain, often severe
- Sagging shoulder, down and forward
- Inability to lift the arm because of pain
- A lump or visible deformity over the fracture site
- Tenderness and swelling of the affected area
The doctor will ask about your symptoms, physical activity, and how the injury occurred. The injured area will be examined.
Images may be taken of your bodily structures. This can be done with:
- X-rays
- Ultrasound
Treatment will depend on the severity of the injury. Treatment may involve:
- Putting the pieces of the bone back in position, which may sometimes require anesthesia and more rarely surgery
- Keeping the pieces together while the bone heals itself
- Newborns and most children do not usually need to have the pieces of the bone put back in position unless the broken ends are very far apart
Brace or Sling
Most clavicle fractures can be treated either with a figure-of-eight strap, which is wrapped around the body and the shoulders, or with the arm in a sling. These devices help hold the shoulder in place while the clavicle heals. The doctor may prescribe pain medication.
Surgery may rarely be needed to set the bone. The doctor may insert pins or a plate and screws in the bone to hold it in place while it heals. A sling or figure-of-eight strap will be needed while you heal.
A physical therapist can help with shoulder range-of-motion and strengthening exercises.
Healing Time
- A child may heal as quickly as 3-4 weeks.
- An adolescent may take 6-8 weeks to heal.
- An adult may require 8-10 weeks to heal.
- A lump at the fracture site may persist for years.
To help prevent clavicle fractures:
- Do not put yourself at risk for trauma to the clavicle bone.
- Eat a diet rich in calcium and vitamin D.
- Build strong muscles to prevent falls and to stay active and agile.
Revision Information
- Reviewer: EBSCO Medical Review Board Warren A. Bodine, DO, CAQSM
- Review Date: 09/2018 -
- Update Date: 08/20/2013 -


text:
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Moonstone is proud to present The Green Hornet Casefiles, our second anthology featuring all-new, original crime fiction tales of the man who hunts the biggest of all game, public enemies that even the FBI can�t reach!
It�s the mid 1960�s, the political climate is shaky, there�s civil unrest, freedom and equality issues erupt everywhere from film to music to out in the streets. In police records, The Green Hornet is actually a wanted criminal, a master manipulator, a crime boss who has his fingers in every pie. In reality, The Green Hornet is actually Britt Reid, owner-publisher of the Daily Sentinel. Alongside him rides his partner Kato, who is not only is a martial artist of unsurpassed prowess, but a skilled driver, and an educated engineer as well. Their goal is to destroy crime from within by posing as criminals themselves!
The Matthew Baugh story, the Win Scott Eckert story, and the Howard Hopkins stories are sequels to their stories in the first volume! This limited edition hard cover includes the exclusive bonus story "If These Walls Could Buzz" by Tim Lasiuta and Rafael Nieves!
Edited by Joe Gentile and Win Scott Eckert
Written by: Joe McKinney, Jim Mullaney, John Everson, Paul D. Storrie, Eric Fein, Vito Delsante, Win Scott Eckert, Dan Wickline, Paul Kupperberg, Howard Hopkins, Bobby Nash, Arthur A. Lyon, Bradley Sinor, Matthew Baugh, F.J. Desanto, David Boop, Micheal Uslan, Joe Gentile, Tim Lasiuta, Rafael Nieves
Cover Art: Rub�n Procopio
336 Pages. Black and White. Squarebound. 6� x 9�
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C's Biggest Mistake
C is arguably the world's most successful programming language. Its success has, of course, endlessly tempted people to improve upon it. Thus, C is probably the patriarch of the longest list of languages. Notable among these are C++, the D programming language, and most recently, Go. There are endless discussion threads on how to fix C, going back to the 80's.
So this is well trod ground. What could possibly be added to this soup? I posit that most such discussions center around detail. More interesting is what is the largest fundamental mistake. We should take into account the context of the times that spawned C, and the problems it was trying to solve and the environment in which it was intended to be used. Keep in mind it was developed for a 16 bit machine, with extremely limited resources available. I'd like to dismiss things like it doesn't
do garbage collection, functional programming, dynamic typing, or OOP. Those aren't problems C attempted to address, so the lack of them are not mistakes.
What mistake has caused more grief, more bugs, more workarounds, more endless hours consumed, etc., than any other? Many people would say null pointers. I don't agree. C's biggest mistake is:
Conflating pointers with arrays.
I don't mean them using the same syntax, or the implicit conversion of arrays to pointers. I mean the inability to pass an array to a function as an array, even if it is declared to be an array. C will silently convert the array to be a pointer, and will rewrite the function declaration so it is semantically a pointer:
void foo(char a[])
is exactly equivalent to1:
void foo(char *a)
This seemingly innocuous convenience feature is the root of endless evil. It means that once arrays leave the scope in which they are defined, they become pointers, and lose the information which gives the extent of the array - the array dimension. What are the consequences of losing this information?
An alternative must be used. For strings, it's the whole reason for the 0 terminator.
For other arrays, it is inferred programmatically from the context. Naturally, every situation is different, and so an endless array (!) of bugs ensues.
The trainwreck just unfolds in slow motion from there.
The galaxy of C string functions, from the unsafe strcpy() to sprintf() onwards, is a direct result. There are various attempts at fixing this, such as the The Safe C Library. Then there are all the buffer overflows, because functions handed a pointer have no idea what the limits are, and no array bounds checking is possible.
This problem was inherited in toto by C++, which consequently spawned 10+ years of attempts to create a usable string class. Even the eventual std::string result
is compromised by its need to be compatible with C 0-terminated strings. C++ addressed the more general array problem by inventing std::vector<T>, and many programming guidelines eschew using T[] style arrays. But the legacy of C arrays continues in C++ with the unsafe iterator design.
The C99 attempted to fix this problem, but the fatal error it made was still not combining the array dimension with the array pointer into one type.
The Fix
But all isn't lost. C can still be fixed. All it needs is a little new syntax:
void foo(char a[..])
meaning an array is passed as a so-called "fat pointer", i.e. a pair consisting of a pointer to the start of the array, and a size_t of the array dimension. Of course, this won't fix any existing code, but it will enable new code to be written correctly and robustly. Over time, the syntax:
void foo(char a[])
can be deprecated by convention and by compilers. Even better, transitioning to the new way can be done by making the declarations binary compatible with older code:
#if NEWC
extern void foo(char a[..]);
#elif C99
extern void foo(size_t dim, char a[dim]);
extern void foo(size_t dim, char *a);
This change isn't going to transform C into a modern language with all the shiny bells and whistles. It'll still be C, in spirit as well as practice. It will just relieve C programmers of dealing with one particular constant, pernicious source of bugs.
[1] The relevant text from K+R's The C Programming Language 5.3 is "When an array name is passed to a function, what is passed is the location of the beginning of the array. Within the called function, this argument is a variable, just like any other variable, and so an array name argument is truly a pointer, that is, a variable containing an address."
Thanks to Bartosz Milewski for reviewing a draft of this.


text:
Best Derma Care Pharma Himachal Pradesh Swisskem Healthcare is one of the leading dermacare pharma located in Una Himachal Pradesh, India. A wide derma care
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Find a local Nonprofit And Charitable Organizations lawyer or law firm using directory below.
If you select multiple practice areas, your results will include only law firms/attorneys who practice in all of those areas.
The counts displayed by default for Law Firms and Attorneys are based on their main office only. However, when a location based search is performed or if a locations filter is selected the counts change and update to display the actual number of office locations where the Law Firm or Attorney have an office or provide service in.


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Travel Insurance
You've planned the trip, booked the romantic hideaway, plotted your tour through the wine country and even arranged for a moonlit serenade. You're all set, right? Wrong.
What if something goes awry? What if you miss your plane? Lose your wallet? Or find yourself in a fender bender? Well, if you have travel insurance, you have nothing to worry about.
Travel insurance is just that – insurance for when you're traveling. From lost baggage to a missed connection to a cancelled trip to accidental death, travel insurance provides you with the coverage necessary to cope. Plain and simple.
Who do I buy from?
It's recommended to buy your travel insurance through an insurance company or agent. True, you can also get coverage through cruise lines, airlines and tour operators, but if they go out of business, you're out of coverage. Here are a few recommended providers:
- Access America
- Travel Insurance Agency
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Happy – and healthy – traveling!


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The origins of Kabbalah can be found in roots that go deeply into history's soil. It is a religious philosophy that embraces dogmatic principles, mystical folklore, and spiritual practice. Kabbalah has transcended religious denominations and is new age life theory. The The Red String is part of all that and its origins are an important corner stone of this new philosophy..
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The company known originally as "Systemanalyse und Programmentwicklung" (but these days known as SAP AG) hosted its Sapphire Now and TechEd developer and customer event in the Spanish capital city of Madrid. The firm's biggest announcement of the day centered on the release of the Hana platform support pack stack 5 (SPS5) for transactional and analytical applications.
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- DDoS Resilience, Remediation & Recovery: Updating Your Strategy
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The firm appears to be on a mission to position this in-memory analytics platform as a sort of bridge across the architectural layers between application and data processing.
Essentially this means that this technology is designed to converge database services for transaction, analytics, text, and predictive processing together with application services for the application server, planning, rules, and event stream processing within one in-memory based architecture.
Aggressive Innovation
SAP explains that Hana SPS5 will also support large-scale data center deployments with new support for availability, disaster recovery, and security. The firm is happy to be labeled as "aggressively fostering" open innovation with a new certification program planned to support third-party business intelligence (BI), ETL, and back-up/recovery application.
SAP executive board lead for technology and innovation Dr. Vishal Sikka talks of Hana now trying to eliminate the "inherent latency and complexity" that exist in today's application architectures.
This new release presents a single environment for transactional (OLTP) and analytical (OLAP) data processing. As such, Hana will present both a read-optimized column store suited for OLAP applications and a write-optimized row store suited for OLTP applications.
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Even when SAP talks about developer-centric application-level technologies, the firm is never far from comments relating to data analytics and its touch point upon the data stack. The firm says that Hana will continue to expand on "embedded predictive algorithms" to enable enterprises to perform segmentation and clustering analyses to identify profitable customers and improve upsell opportunities.
Specific developer messages from SAP are as follows:
- Hana will support predictive model markup language (PMML) for the integration and sharing of predictive models.
- Extended application services in Hana are designed to deliver native application server capabilities as a service to help developers develop 2 and 2½ tier applications within the Hana platform using HTLM5, JavaScript, SQLScript, XML/A, JSON, and ODATA.
- Additionally, these services can be exposed for consumption by device-based applications or by other application servers.
- Developers can access embedded algorithms and business functions through extended application service capabilities via SQLScript or JavaScript. This new level of support is hoped to make it easier for developers to build applications that embed advanced analytics.
- Business rules management in Hana will be a core component of the extended application services built into SAP HANA.
This last point on business rules management allows developers to add business rules to their applications without embedding these directly within software codes. These rules are designed to be "easily maintained" by end users without writing code and through a simple interface. It will have the ability to simulate, mine for trends and patterns, and modify physical data based on actions.


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Difference between revisions of "Arkentool"
(→Relation to Units)
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I think we're missing some obvious speculation here. The [[Main Page]] says the wiki is a tool. Is there any reason it can't exist in [[Erfworld]] too? Perhaps as some book with special power beyond
I think we're missing some obvious speculation here. The [[Main Page]] says the wiki is a tool. Is there any reason it can't exist in [[Erfworld]] too? Perhaps as some book with special power beyond encyclopedic knowledge.
==Changing the Fundamental Laws of Magic==
==Changing the Fundamental Laws of Magic==
Revision as of 11:05, 2 October 2013
Tool redirects here. For other uses, see tool (disambiguation)
- 1 Canon
- 2 Proposed Canon
- 3 Speculation
Arkentools are a group of Artifacts believed to be created by the Titans of Ark. They are sometimes referred to as "the tools of the Titans".Erf-b1-p020 Erf-b1-p004 While useful on their own, their true power is revealed when they are attuned to their user. The Arkentools look different from most objects in the world; they resemble three-dimensional computer-generated images.
Parson's first Stupid Meal says there are four known Arkentools.Erf-b1-p039
The Arkentools seen so far are:
- the Arkenhammer
- the Arkenpliers
- the Arkendish
- the Arkenshoes
Proposed Canon
Attunement is governed by Fate magic. Erf-b1-p022
Stanley took the title of Tool because he felt that he was destined to collect the ArkentoolsErf-b1-p020; however, recently, his failure to reach Faq has left him in doubt as to his destiny. Wanda's attunement to the Arkenpliers has also cast doubt on his belief system, making him uncharacteristically cautious about demanding anything of those that work for him.
The Erfwiki is also a Tool, but whether it exists within Erfworld in addition to its known Stupidworld-Prime incarnation remains to be seen. Probably.
More Arkentools
The Arkentool count was given to us by a Stupid Meal that has been proven at least inaccurate in all other aspects and it specifically qualifies the four as the "known" arkentools. This leaves the very strong possibility that the four known Arkentools are items out of a larger set and some "unknown" Arkentools exist which have been forgotten in the countless turns since the world was forged.
One theory is that there will be an Arkentool related to dirtamancy (thus being the Arkenshovel). As the tool does not need to have any obvious connection to its related mancy - e.g. pliers have no obvious connection to Croakamancy - this does not mean a dirtamancy tool will be a shovel. This tool would presumably allow wholesale reshaping of the terrain, as when the volcano was uncroaked.
It is possible that there is an arkentool relating to Retconjuration, perhaps being called the Arkenpen, having the ability to 'rewrite' or 'retcon' parts of erfworld.
Possibly there is a tool that creates reality? One deals with information, one with CONTROL and CHANGE, one with FORCE; what may other tools be themed by?
Erfworld relies heavily on puns and comedic references to Parson's world; accordingly, other Arkentools may be humorous, such as the Arkensaw or Arkenwelder; one may presume that the titans at least have a sense of humor about this. (Parson indeed notes surprise when he learns that there is no known "Arkensaw.")
Additionally it is possible that Parson may be an Arkentool, given that at the start of book one he was in the process of designing a game very similar to 'erfworld'. This would possibly explain his ability to 'break' certain game rules in the same way that Arkentools have been said to be 'game-breakers'. However, no other Arkentool is a PERSON, which Parson certainly is. As Parson was a master games-master and games designer, it may well be that he is not an Arkentool, but a newly recruited TITAN.
The Arkentools give certain benefits to any user, but the greatest abilities are available only to a user who becomes specially attuned. Not everyone is able to attune to a Tool. For instance, Prince Ansom could wield the Arkenpliers as a melee weapon only, and their greater power was not unlocked until Lady Firebaugh obtained and attuned to them.
The requirements for attunement are not known. Inhabitants of Erf appear to believe that the potential is an individual special quality. (The princes of Jetstone each held the Arkenpliers once "in hope of attunement."Erf-b2-pT29)
Readers have speculated that it may be easier than that, and that any non-Royal Commander may attune to a Tool. This is based on Sylvia's recounting of when she touched the ArkenpliersErf-b2-pT29 and its contrast with Ossomer's memories of the same. This is not contradicted by anything we know of the current or past attuned wielders; they have all been either Casters or Warlords, and although Lady Firebaugh is Noble, none have been Royal.
The time required for attunement is variable. Lady Firebaugh appeared to attune to the Arkenpliers as soon as she touched themErf-b1-p142, but Warlady Judy Gale is said to have attuned to the Arkenshoes "over a period of several days." [see Book 0 update 66]
Etymology of the Name
The Arkenstone was the name of a large and valuable dwarven gemstone in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit. Tolkien took the name from Old English: eorcen-stán (also spelled eorcnan-stán, earcen-stán, etc.), or Old Norse jarkna-steinn, meaning "precious stone". Thus, "arken" by itself might be interpreted to mean "precious".
Associated Discipline
Given that the Arkendish provides "unmatched" Thinkamancy and the Arkenpliers provide clearly unequalled Croakamancy, many readers feel that there is an associated Discipline for the other two Arkentools. Exactly which disciplines these are is still a matter of intense debate. For instance, some readers suspect that all the Arkentools are associated with Fate-aligned disciplines, given that this pattern fits both the Arkendish and Arkenpliers, and that Fate is thought by Ansom and Wanda to be the determining factor in a Unit's attunement to the artifact. However, this is not universally agreed upon, given the difficulties with assigning a Fate-aligned discipline to the Arkenhammer. (See this article for a detailed discussion of the Arkenhammer's possible associated disciplines, with arguments for and against each.)
There has been speculation that Parson's mathamancy bracer is a mathamancy-based Arkentool as it has many similar ability giving features. It is also possible that Parson's watch-calculator itself is an Arkentool.
Associated Element
Its has been noted that the Arkenpliers may be extending the magic of Croakamancy to the Life element, which could indicate that it is associated with that element. Stanley the Tool noted that Wanda belived the Arkenhammer could perform Shockmancy, Rhyme-o-mancy, Carnymancy, Changemancy and Date-a-mancy which are all in classes of Magic that use the Matter element and may be the tool's associated element. The Arkenshoes naturally seem to be associated with Motion. In the belief that each of the four Arkentools is associated with a different element, the Arkendish would then be associated with no element like the Clevermancy disciplines and involve the raw magic.
Real World References and their Implications
It was pointed out that several characters have names that alludes to companies around the world that manufacture tools:
- Stanley manufactures hand tools
- Zhejiang Wanda Tools Co. Ltd specializes in making pliers
- Dish Network formed by Charles W. "Charlie" Ergen provides satellite television service in the United States
There is a company named Rockwell that manufactures tools. It is also worth noting that one of the earliest patents for a shovel design was given to James B. Sizemore. It has thus been suggested by some readers that the fourth Arkentool might be an Arkenshovel and be given to the character Sizemore Rockwell.
It was (half) humorously suggested that the fourth Arkentool should be named Arkensaw - just for the fun of it. If so, it should be found in Little Rock.
Now we know that the fourth arkentool is the Arkenshoes, which are a reference to the Wizard of Oz character Dorothy's Ruby Red Slippers, the possibility that they will be the way for Parson to go home is strong.
Relation to Units
It is probable that each Arkentool has an associated special Unit. The Arkenhammer permits the taming of Dwagons, and the Arkenpliers create 'decrypted'. Most readers agree that the Arkendish is probably involved with creating Archons. Few sides can pop Archons and Charlescomm is the only side that can pop them at a rate of up to 1.5 per turn.summer-updates-%e2%80%93-046 So far, the main effect of the Arkentools on Erfworld seems to be to alter the demographics of Erfworld's population, by increasing the numbers of Archons, Dwagons and Decrypted. --Speculation-- It may be that the Arkenshovel, if it is in fact the fourth Arkentool, may give the wielder the ability to summon and control Daemons, although there is no evidence of this presented so far.
|Special Unit
|Associated Discipline
|Associated Axis
|Associated Elements
|Motion & Matter
|Life & Motion
|Superior Motion?
|Possibly Changemancy?
|"Arkenshovel" (speculation)
|Superior Golems?
|Possibly Dirtamancy and/or Changemancy?
|Erf or Fate
I think we're missing some obvious speculation here. The Main Page says the wiki is a tool. Is there any reason it can't exist in Erfworld too? Perhaps as some book with special power beyond its encyclopedic knowledge.
Changing the Fundamental Laws of Magic
The inhabitants of the Magic Kingdom are not simply concerned about Wanda's actions because of their political implications. There is a widespread theoretical consensus, which Sizemore shares, that she is extending Croakamancy to the Life axis. Is Charlie and the Arkendish extending Thinkamancy to the Matter axis by creating so many Archons who can use Thinkamancy? Does Stanley's army of Dwagons alter Erfworld's magical laws in a third way?
Purpose within Erfworld
Janis believes that Parson's outside the box approach to combat is going to "break" Erfworld and bring an end to the continual warfareErf-b1-p141 — it is apparently more than coincidence that the Arkentools are coming into play around the time Parson arrived in Erfworld. As Erfworld is based on strategy game mechanics, the Arkentools themselves seem to be what are often called "game breakers" – special abilities, units or items which confer an unfair/unbalanced advantage to the side that possesses them making them exceedingly difficult to counter. It seems plausible then, that the "fate magic" alluded to surround the Arkentools is to bring all four together and somehow break Erfworld itself using them (e.g. rewriting the rules into something closer to the Real World). The common phrase "Tools of the Titans" adds to this possibility by implying that the Arkentools are the tools by which Erfworld was originally built.
A theory for how this can be done is to use the Arkendish to form a Caster link between the wielders of the other 3 Arkentools (creating the first ever 4 caster link in Erfworld's history), the power of the tools and the link combined allows the participants to reshape the entire Erfworld itself. This would work in a similar kind of way to the volcano link ("I actually modified the terrain type, like a Titan"Erf-b1-p142-p6) without the raw destruction. The obvious problem with this idea is that Stanley is not a caster as far as we know; there are several workarounds for this including the plot allowing him to become a caster, he may be killed and end up passing the hammer to someone who is a caster or (because this is a unique circumstance) the Arkendish link may be able to include non-casters.
Relative Complexity
Of the three arkentools we've seen so far, they have been of increasing levels of complexity.
On the low end, there is the Hammer. Simple. Straightforward. A thing on the end of a stick to let you hit things better. Next is the Pliers. Moving parts, but still pretty simple. Two parts held together to help you pinch things. Then there's a leap up to a satellite dish. Power sources, invisible waves and rays, all to aid in communication. The fourth tool... is still a mystery. Roughly though, we can place it in one of three positions then: Even Simpler, the Missing Step, or Clarke's Model.
- Even Simpler would place it below the hammer in terms of complexity. Where the Hammer is a thing on a stick, the fourth tool would be... a stick. Or a thing. A single piece tool with a minimum of crafting in it. An awl, a chisel, a screwdriver... maybe even an anvil. The simplest physical thing would be- a ball.
- The Missing Step would place it between the Pliers and the Dish. Something to bridge the gap from the purely physical nature of the Pliers to the pure energy nature of the Dish. Perhaps something involving springs and gears, clockwork or steam. An engine, perhaps? This seems unlikely, though.
The fifth Arkentool could be an item that a game maker would use. The hammer could destroy disliked units. The pliers reshaped dead units to serve a new master. The dish is a connection between the player charlie and his pieces. If the fifth tool is a middle step between the pliers and the Arkendish it may be a rake or paint brush. It's power could include the ability to reshape the terrain of the game.(Similar to how Sizemore reshaped parts of the magic kingdom.)
- Clarke's Model would put it beyond the Dish. Considering the increasing size of the disparity in complexity in going from Hammer to Pliers to Satellite Dish, the next step would be so great as to surpass all levels of technology that currently exist, or that could exist in the foreseeable near future. To us, the reader, it would appear simply as... magic. And in a world where magic is not uncommon, that might be the hardest tool of all to pinpoint.
That being said, a guess as to what it might be... the portals. The fourth Arkentool is a transporter system, either formerly attuned to the founder of the Magic Kingdom or currently to someone inside it. If this is correct, the manifestation of it as a material object may well be- a key. But no normal key, nor a magic key, but the key which opens portals.


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18 2013 250 Horsepower Analysis
72 2013 450 Horsepower Analysis
WARNING: Much of the action
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