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One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
One Huge Ball Of Badassness
One world. One whirling swirling twirling marble in a deep black abyss. Perched on nothing, it spins to the gentle lullaby of time. Round and round. From far away it looks so peaceful, so tranquil. But up close, deep in the thick of it, in the hairy armpit of undiscovered jungle, it is a battlefield of pain and woe. On it live the tiny dancers dancing for money. Some are from Mars and others are from Venus. Some swing from vines while others are bountifully big bosomed. For the next 39 days these penis and vagina people will be forced to come together and squirt forth entertainment for us onlookers at home. Not all will survive. Not all will prosper. Forgotten body parts stuck in flesh eating nets of evil will turn purple and rot. Long after the last Survivor has left, there it will lie. One lonely middle finger in the sand. In it's bony extension we find our truth and we find our answers. Will the battle of the sexes ever be over? Will they ever learn to coexist peacefully? Look to the finger. It says, "Fuck no!" And aren't we all just a little bit thankful for that? Welcome back bitches. Let's recap, shall we?
Chicka, chicka, chicka... Over the horizon and through the din. Chicka, chicka, chicka... Frantic blades slice the jungle air with ferocity and promise. Weaving through the clouds and snaking through the heat, our cruise director, Dimples (Jeff Probst), clutches the inside of a helicopter while down below, on a road of pot holes and lost souls, 18 fresh-faced suckers bob up and down in a herky jerky truck of doom. They think they've got it all figured out. Blueprints of silliness sit nestled in their pockets. Grand master flash plans covered in stick figures and mantras. But who cares about all that? I want my lines. Give me my lines Dimples. Do it for me baby!
With one hand on a tumbler of gin and the other wrist deep in a bowl of blue glitter I catch my breath in my throat waiting for Dimples to land his aircraft. But what's this? He's not landing at all. He's hanging from a helicopter! This means only one thing - DIMPLES READS MY BLOG. Don't believe me? Check out what I wrote at the beginning of last season:
The music swells as the oars cut into the water. Our hearts begin to race because we know what's coming. You've been with me long enough to know. I wait for it every season. Those 3 lines. Those 3 little magical lines. I snort them up like the drug they are and let them invade my very being. Give it to me Dimples! Sparkle in your green and give me the goods. Will he deliver them hanging from a helicopter? Will he be shouting from the inside of a volcano? Will he be leaping off the side of a cliff? Gah! I'm so excited I can't stand it!
And so, on tippy toes with one hand in his pocket and the other hanging on for dear life, I get what I crave. "39 days. 18 people. ONE Survivor!" Did you see how he said the "one"?! He took his hand that was keeping him from somersaulting into the ocean and made a "1" with it. Not only that, the helicopter tilted over backwards and Dimples clung to the side like a spider monkey while it whooshed out of frame. They must have covered him in Gorilla Glue or something. Either that or his skin seeps a sticky jelly substance. Fragrant, but sticky.
The helicopter lands just as the truck o'suckers pulls up to a stop. After a joyful "Welcome to Survivor!" from Dimples, the castaways finally exhale and whoop with excitement. Wearing a panda bear on her head, Kourtney sheepishly admits that she doesn't fit in amongst the other women. Jugs (Alicia) grimaces to herself while Colton gets busy making googly eyes at Matt. In the back of the crowd, a man who looks like a walrus insists that his birth name is "TarZAN." Dimples furrows his brow with doubt while Tarzan whips out a birth certificate with a crayola slash through his last name. Over it in childish scrawl someone has written "GReG TaRZaN." Hearing this, another hirsute male shifts uncomfortably and thinks to himself, "He can't be Tarzan. I'm Troyzan!" And uh, do you have a birth certificate to prove that Troyzan? Because until you have a legal document covered in peanut butter stains and crayola letters, I'm not going to believe you.
Alright, enough dilly-dallying. Women over here. Men over there. These are your tribes. Kourtney's panda hat topples forward down to her nose while a crestfallen Colton clutches his pearls in horror. This is his nightmare come to life. He speaks Venutian - fluently - for crying out loud! What could he possibly have in common with these other men? Speaking of the men, they will now be known as Menudo (Manono) and they are as follows: Tarzan (Greg), Troyzan (Troy), Jonas, Matt, Michael, Liam, Colton, and Bill. The women will henceforth be known as Salami (Salani) and they are: Kourtney, Kim, Nina, Monica, Jugs (Alicia), ChaCha (Christina), Sabrina, Kat, and Chelsea.
Before the tribes can head to their campsites, they will both have 60 seconds to strip the truck clean of supplies and sustenance. The women hurl fruit and panty hose to one side of the truck while the men pile lumber, tarps, and wrenches on the other side. Michael, who looks suspiciously like Carson Daly, tiptoes over to the women's side and swipes an axe from their pile of flowers and lotions. Clueless, Sabrina stands inches away and hollers for the ladies to grab more wrapping paper and beads while Dimples warns that it might be a good idea for the tribes to keep an eye on their stash. His warning goes unnoticed as Michael belly crawls under the lip of the truck and sneaks off with the women's scented candles and scarves. Dimples giggles to himself and begins the final countdown... 3-2-1!
The women gather around their pile of travel size shampoos while the men stand proudly in front of their mountain of Black & Decker. Michael whispers to Jonas, "I stole their stuff!" while Kim wonders where the hell her ax went. Dimples all but points to the women's pile and laughs while Jugs declares, "Someone stole our stuff! We had an axe!" Little man Liam sitting at the edge of a rainbow protests, "Whoa whoa whoa, we didn't steal anything" while Michael shifts uncomfortably with an axe down his pants and lacy underthings in his shirt pocket. The game has officially begun and it's anarchy. Looting and lawlessness rule this Polynesian island now and there's no turning back.
And so Menudo and Salami part ways and head off into the jungle to find their respective camps. Tarzan's knees buckle under the weight of some birch twigs while Liam carries a fully furnished house on his head. Over on the women's trek, Kat and Kourtney can't decide who should carry a frying pan while Jugs is in full game mode putting together an alliance of 5 - Jugs, Kim, Kat, Chelsea, and Sabrina. Kim, a bridal shop owner - brides, girls, white, pearls, lace, tulle, and satin - doesn't really care for any "Woman Power!" sort of mentality, but the second those sneaky men stole from her she burned her bra, stopped shaving her armpits, and bought herself some tickets to Lilith Fair. *waves a lighter* Do the sad animal song, Sarah!
In record time the women turn the final corner and see both the Salami and Menudo flags waving overhead. The men arrive shortly thereafter and are mildly annoyed to find the women folk puttering about on their soil. Jonas immediately grabs a basket of supplies and suggests to Colton that they hide it from the ladies. Colton replies and gestures proudly to the flags bearing this season's logo, "We're obviously together though. It says 'One World'." Jonas shakes his head and says, "It doesn't look like One World to me, bro." And Jonas is right. It is not One World. It's two worlds. Our and theirs. His and hers. Mine and yours.
Colton stops to consider this sad revelation only to be interrupted by a flock of rabid chickens. This-a-way and that-a-way the chickens zigzag through the camp. Chelsea quickly puts a flimsy deal together that the men and women should share the chickens and the race is on! Liam assumes a tackle position, Kourtney starts grabbing at the air, and Jugs tries to bash them in the head with her enormous bosoms. Meanwhile, Chelsea walks right up to chicken #1 and chicken #2 and grabs them both by the scruff of their feathery necks. Matt immediately extends an arm to receive the chicken he was promised, but Chelsea isn't so sure anymore. What if the women need something that the men have? Now you're thinking girls!
Matt huffs off with a pout and decides that now he wants a chicken as an apology. An apology! An apology for what? For you being a complete douchebag? For that shirt you're wearing? You let me know, cry baby.
With the chickens nestled safely in Jugs' jugs, camp construction gets underway while one lost soul gazes sadly at the sand. One pastel colored fancy pants. Fancy Pants... perfect! So there sits Fancy Pants with a frown on his face and some dirt on his cardigan. He can either sit and pout or he can do what he does best - be a social butterfly. Come out of your cocoon darlin' and fly. "Oh, it's so nice to meet you!", "I'm thrilled to be here.", "Love your blouse!" Through the squeals and hugs and laughter, Matt watches from a distance and says, "I know Colton is gay." Quite the Sherlock, that Matt. Tell us detective, what else have you discovered? That the sky is blue? The trees are green? Water is wet? Pray, tell us more about this world of mysteries that we find ourselves in.
Matt isn't just a cracker jack detective though. He is in fact a mathematical mastermind. Quickly grabbing the "young fit guys", he has managed to put together a trailblazing alliance of 4. I say "trailblazing" because 4 won't do you bubkis in the land of Survivor. You need 5, Einstein.
Meanwhile, Fancy Pants is on his knees begging the women to give him the clues to any Hidden Immunity Idols. ChaCha sort of grits her teeth and laughs while Monica waves a chicken in his face causing him to tinkle. Could Monica be a voudoun queen? Did you see any bones trickle out of her jeans pocket? Keep an eye on that one. If she spits in anyone's face and starts crafting poppets out of palm leaves, you let me know.
So while Fancy Pants is busy assuming he's going home first, high talker Jay is busy rubbing two sticks together. With little more than a twitch and a blow, the men have fire and you can color me impressed. The smoke brazenly wafts over to the women's side and just sort of mutters, "How ya like me now, bitches!" Sabrina smells it's sweetness and wanders over to introduce herself and make an offer. Chicken for fire? Matt poo-poo's that idea instantly as he wants all of their chickens, their money, and the deeds to their houses. They owe him! Sabrina says she'll think about it while Jugs quickly dives face first into the sand and sticks her bare hand into the men's fire pit. 'A' for effort, Jugs, but fire isn't meant to be held.
Night falls and with it a restlessness. Kat wants fire to be able to see her fellow tribemates while Kim wants it for ambiance. After a brief discussion over exactly what "ambiance" means, ChaCha and Monica take it upon themselves to just go steal an ember from the men. With a giant pair of chopsticks, Monica gingerly sticks them into the fire and successfully retrieves a bright hot orange ember. It seemed like a hugely successful nighttime caper, but lo and behold, the girls failed to keep their fire lit throughout the night. Oh come on! How do you screw that up? You know it's gotta be next to impossible to sleep during your first night in Survivor. How did someone not notice the flames dying?
ChaCha is unphased though. She'll just tie her hair back in a bun and go ask the men politely for some fire. Well, it started out that way until it morphed into a weird exchange of slave labor.
"What do I need to do to get you guys to give me some fire?"
"Weave us 800 palms for our roof."
"How about 1600 and a "massage"? I'll send some girls right over."
The men all pat ChaCha on the back as Jugs approaches wild-eyed and frizzy-haired wondering what the hell is going on. ChaCha puts one hand on her hip and exclaims, "Tada! I got us fire." It was a gesture that screamed like a 10 year old girl pirouetting around the kitchen table, "Look at me! Look at me!" Jugs, as is only natural, responded by wanting to punch ChaCha in the face. Hey, I get it. There's nothing more annoying than a show off and it's especially shady that she made the deal without consulting her tribe beforehand.
Sabrina, however, steals away to do some quick searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol. One hollowed out tree trunk later and boom! She finds it. Not so fast Home Skillet. The Idol she found is intended only for a member of Menudo. In the event that a Salami finds the Idol, they have until Tribal Council to hand it over to a member of Menudo. Clearly, Fancy Pants is the obvious choice - other than burning it and pretending you never found it in the first place.
And this brings us to our first Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will one at a time leap off of a tower and land in a net. You will then race across a balance beam and make your way over to a rope bridge. Once all of your tribe members are at the mat, you can raise your tribe flag. The first tribe to raise their flag wins Immunity. Before giving the go, Dimples then whispers into his shirt collar, "Also, be sure to jump with your hands to your chest and land on your back." Survivors ready, go!
Kat and Bill take the first leap with Bill losing a shoe on the way down. Both somersault off the net with Bill reaching the mat first. Jonas takes off next without a hitch while Sabrina falls feet first and prances gently off the net. Michael goes next with Nina on his tail. Nina lands bent at the waist and takes a knee directly to her eye. Leif makes the leap with his fedora on while Kourtney, inexplicably wearing a dress - at least it's not a panda hat, lands hard on both hands. She lands with a whimper as Dimples reminds everyone to cross their hands across their chest.
Clutching her hand to her side, Kourtney stands on the mat and mutters, "My wrist. My wrist." 3 bones are sticking out, her pinky is where her pointer finger should be, and the blood is quickly draining from her face. The rest of the tribes fall with the men maintaining a small lead. At the balance beam, Kat manages to catch up to the men while up on the scaffold Kourtney has slid down to the ground and begun the long walk into the light. Dimples takes one look at the angels hovering over Kourtney's head and halts the game immediately. "Everybody stop! Don't go into the light Carol Anne!"
Ramona the Medic arrives to a jumble of bones one might find in Monica's fanny pack. "Can you move your thumb?" she asks. Kourtney twitches her left leg and replies, "Yup." "Can you make a fist?" asks Ramona. Kourtney wiggles her toes, "Absolutely." Ramona looks up to Dimples and discreetly shakes her head back and forth. Euthanasia. The only solution. Dimples nods silently in reply, "Ok folks, Kourtney has to go see the Coroner... I mean, Doctor, and as soon as she comes back (in an urn) we'll decide how to continue."
Since the game technically has to have 9 people start and 9 people finish, the game is now over because the women have forfeited. Unless, of course, the men want to be complete dumb asses and finish the challenge. Naturally, the men take Immunity and for some reason the women are mad about this. Troyzan makes a valid point and says that if the situation were reversed, no way the women would choose to keep playing. I wholeheartedly agree. Giving up Immunity is something only Lil Hantz would do and look around yourselves. He's safely back at home tattooing "GEEZIS IS MY FREND" to his calf.
Back at camp, the mood is somber and a freakish ghoul has taken over the body of poor Nina. With teeth missing, lips swollen, and blackened eyes this Walking Dead character is a hilarious addition to the tribe. Nina is a tough lady (don't you dare call her "girl"!) though so she takes it all in stride and laughs at the bloody pools where the whites of her eyes used to be. Kim, on the other hand, isn't so accepting of her fate. She grew up in Texas where men are chivalrous and wouldn't dare cop out of a game against women. Chivalrous doesn't mean stupid though, does it?
Off in the trees, Sabrina is trying to shake loose that pesky Immunity Idol she's not allowed to keep. Ideally, she wants Fancy Pants to use it to take out one of the stronger men. Fancy Pants doesn't seem to be absorbing the words of wisdom and instead tries to insist to Sabrina that he's not disposable when what he should be doing is thanking his lucky stars Kourtney ended up with a wrist growing out of her nose. I love ya Fancy Pants, but the dainty limp wrist walk off of that net didn't do you any favors. You are, sadly, very disposable. So, the transaction is complete and Sabrina leaves Fancy Pants with one final word of advice, "Don't let him (Matt) punk you out. Alright?" Fancy Pants blinks twice and mumbles, "I love you." And with a kiss and a swish and a trail of Britney's Curious wafting behind him, Fancy Pants trots off into the distance.
The girls gather to discuss Tribal Council and let's get real here: there's nothing to discuss! Kourtney's bones were wiggedy whack and there's no way she's coming back. Jugs, however, is planning for a miracle. She wants ChaCha gone pronto and will raise whatever hell she needs to at Tribal Council to make that happen. Sweet!
And this brings us to our first Tribal Council. With Dimples in his evening wear sans chapeau we are ready to begin. Dimples pats the urn on the table next to him and says, "We'll discuss Kourtney's condition in a few minutes. So what's up with the girls?! The chicas!" Jugs is cool with the all girls school she's now enrolled in and Kat is very proud to be the firekeeper (Ah, that explains why it went out.) Speaking of fire, how did you guys get it?
ChaCha raises her hand, "Oh oh pick me! Pick me! I got this." She explains how she brokered a deal where a trade was fairly made. Jugs shouts, "Oh hell no! She told them we'd weave for them." ChaCha rolls her eyes and insists the deal was a fair one. They were desperate for fire. A move had to made. Tada!
I'm not sure how (Jugs), but all hell breaks loose and hands begin flying. "Oh no you di-in't!", "Talk to the hand!", "I can't hear you!" Chelsea shrinks in the back and shakes her head with embarrassment while Sabrina bites her lower lip in shame. It's ChaCha's and Jugs' fight, but somehow Kat is in the middle and it's basically just a bunch of hens pecking each others eyes out. It's chaos and it's awesome.
Dimples, however, is speechless. He still doesn't know what the fight is over and, quite frankly, neither do I. All I know is I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it! Hot messes. All y'all! This deserves a booby dip. *dips one breast in purple glitter for Jugs and the other in red glitter for ChaCha* I don't think I've ever dunked on the first day before, have I?
After a lot of hands thrown in the air and exasperated sighs, the girls still don't get that they'll need to come together and work in harmony in order to succeed. Dimples tries to sternly warn them, but is met with only giggles and shoulder shrugs.
In the end, Kourtney is no longer with us and I think I'm OK with that. She seemed like a nice enough girl, but a little too meek and clutzy for this crew. These ladies are the type who take their earrings off before a conversation. Kourtney seems much happier with a pair of knitting needles rather than a pair of nunchucks. We bid you adieu Kourtney and I hope your wrist is OK. So what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you Team Men or Team Women? Any standouts? Any bad asses? Will Sabrina ever tell the other girls how she found the Idol? Does Leif have a word allowance like Rancher Rick did? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
All Survivor photos in this post were shamelessly stolen from the Survivor Seasons Facebook group.
39 comments:
- Jimmy RhythmFebruary 16, 2012 at 3:27 PM
Welcome back, Colette! I look forward to your blogs as much as I do hearing "Survivors ready? GO!" each week.ReplyDelete
Grand premiere episode. It had everything; lying, thieving, catfights, douchery, boob shots bordering on getting CBS in trouble with a few parents' organizations...and all before the first commercial break. Sorry Kourtney's cookie crumbled so early, but thems the breaks.
I honestly can't get behind any of them yet. The men are too macho-y, the women too hen-cackley, almost as if they were all cast with an eye toward stereotyping. Maybe next week.
- AnonymousFebruary 16, 2012 at 3:29 PM
Thanx Fancy Pants for making all us gays look like we give up right away! Only wants to hang with the girls? DUH Is he blind? He couldve used a much better strategy and been "kept around for his vote" then turn to the ladies! DumbassReplyDelete
- Dave in San DiegoFebruary 16, 2012 at 3:33 PM
Best thing about a new season of Survivor: THIS BLOG. Buy some Tanqueray stock now. Although there are many people to hate on this season, I am not impressed with the opening. I thought the first comp was a disaster and shows poor planning on the part of the producers. I don't think you would want to lose someone right off the bat to an injury. Also, my god, so much cleavage. Really. Just mount a camera on each girls chest. I even caught a bouncy bouncy shot. Hilarious. And where was the comedian with his one liners. Was he even on?ReplyDelete
- AnonymousFebruary 16, 2012 at 4:15 PM
....Did I hear correctly during the episode that the men offered fire for a peep show? I was out of the room for most of it, but I'm pretty sure that's what went on.ReplyDelete
Isn't it hilarious how when put into a position of ancient man, the sexes kind of revert to this kind of base instinct?
"Women need fire! Fire good! We weave, mend, for fire? Flirt, maybe?"
"Men HAVE fire! Fire good! Women naked, for fire? Men like woman naked! No naked? Do chore!"
I think this will be a GREAT season. Too bad tribes will most likely be swapped up within a few weeks, no?
Epic love, Lala!
- SouthernFebruary 16, 2012 at 4:15 PM
You're right ~ total anarchy so far. The female tribe had better get their game on quickly and stop asking these men for anything. Good on the girl from Charleston who wouldn't give up the chickens. I'm for the women so far, unless they can't stop the cattiness. These guys aren't your potential boyfriends ~ they're a sack of tools ~ get over the pecs and abs and beat them.ReplyDelete
Yeah, I thought Kim did quite well in resisting the urge to inform Greg of his animal likeness. But she displayed superior fortitude with chipmunk Cha Cha. Good for her. Off to a great start.ReplyDelete
I love all these comments, especially Anon re: making all gays look like they give up right away. Hysterical!ReplyDelete
Lala, it's so nice to be back to reading your blog on Thursdays. My life is complete once again. You didn't disappoint on your first entry, it was steller.
My favorites (if you care)
the picture of the "hughtalker" from Seinfeld. The guy on Survivor's voice is very strange. It's strange enough that if I were attracted to him, I would 100% be turned off when he started talking. YUCK! Poor guy, I hope he never reads this.
"oh snap" photo caption. Very clever, in an obvious sort of way. made me chuckle, but I am easily amused also.
Lastly, "with a kiss and a swish and a trail of Brittany's Curious wafting behind him".......SO FUNNY.
I agree with you, I don't think chivalrous ='s stupid. These girls need to wake up and stop relying on their sex appeal and play to win on their own accord. Cha Cha and Jugs need to bury the hatchet and agree to work together. I will be rooting against them if they don't.
Also, who's Leif?
- prettyplainjoFebruary 16, 2012 at 6:25 PM
Yay! Great blog.I like this season so far. Definitely not liking the Frat Alliance. The men seem like real douchers, save a few. I hope this season is dramatic.ReplyDelete
- David G.February 16, 2012 at 6:33 PM
I predictReplyDelete
Chelsea to win.Replies
- AnonymousFebruary 16, 2012 at 6:56 PM
Welcome back Lala!Delete
Three things: 1. I'm diggin' a potential Tarzan-Troyzan tag-team (two wacky old fellers outlasting the cocky young guns, I can see it now!).
2. I bet that if the male team starts dominating early, as it likely will, then they might just tank an immunity challenge, merely for the sake of eliminating Fancy Pants, who is not confused about his sexuality, but rather about which tribe he is on! (And if he still has the hidden idol at that point, then things could get very interesting).
3. Yes, there are more than one set of Jugs in this season. But I'm not complaining! (I wonder if they all dunk as well).
- David G.February 16, 2012 at 6:36 PM
I predict Chelsea to win.ReplyDelete
I stumbled across this blog when I was obviously very busy at work today, thanks, now everyone thinks I'm crazy -laughing my ass off in my office while I was in there alone. Either something incredibly funny on the internet or some awesome brand new toys...ReplyDelete
Anyways, did anyone notice that if you closed your eyes while Jay was blabbing you could have a serious Lil Hantz flashback? He's got that same ole bible thumper accent. Really.
Don't care for a single one of the men's team except for little Leif, darn it all, he's just so cute and adorable. Want to put some footie jammies on him and tuck him in. And his assholeness is so much less than anyone else's that I gotta go Leif all the way.
The women (including Colton, obviously) are even bigger holes than the men, so I can't in good faith, honor, integrity, Dragonslayer piss, blah blah blah, cheer for any of them. However, it will be interesting to watch them continue to spontaneously combust through the rest of the season though.
Game on – love, love, love it!!!
Great post, great tribal council, great start to the epic bitchery of the season.ReplyDelete
So far I'm rooting for Jay - he made fire from nothing at all without the posturing of Boston Rob, seems to have the same southern charm as JT but with more of a villain edge to him. Jonas has the nice guy slide-under-the-radar sort of charm and it was cool to see him give Colton a small reality check, I'd really like both of them to make it to merge.
Troyzan was absolutely right, too: there's no way the girls would've given up immunity if they had won. But he's put himself in a bad position by being so vocal about it.
I want to see the girls get the sort of unity going that Parvati et al had going on at the end of Micronesia. The unstoppable brutal manipulative flirt machine needs to roll into town and satiate some male ego before shredding them to pieces. Unfortunately Jugs seems to be just about as even-tempered as Matt or Mike so I can't see it happening.
- AnonymousFebruary 16, 2012 at 7:58 PM
I don't mind Cha-Cha. at least she tried to do something practical - stole fire, and - when it didn't survive - tried to barter it the best way she could. No fire meant no water (since water had to be boiled there to be drinkable), so timing was rather critical. "Jugs" on the other hand is awwwwwfully annoying. But that makes it fun to watch.ReplyDelete
Colton is adorable, and he might be right about not being very disposable at this stage: it looks like his tribe intends him to be a "spy" in the girls' camp (hopefully though his fate would be different from that of another "spay" - John Cochran from the last season).
Great first episode!
Great re-cap. I think Chelsea shoulda just gave them a chicken since they are living together (even tho matt is a major toolbag) b/c u never kno when ull need something(fire) so team men for now. And I like Cha Cha, she did the smart thing. Jugs needs to be sent home.ReplyDelete
- StackedFebruary 17, 2012 at 1:24 AM
Oh dear! I have no idea who to root for... except for Dimples! The look on his face at tribal... well, I think the camera panned away when he shivered with arousal thinking of the ratings because these girls are a hot mess together!!!!ReplyDelete
Dimples, however, is speechless. He still doesn't know what the fight is over and, quite frankly, neither do I. All I know is I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it! Hot messes. All y'all! This deserves a booby dip. *dips one breast in purple glitter for Jugs and the other in red glitter for ChaCha* I don't think I've ever dunked on the first day before, have I?
Well, I jumped off my couch and found only leftover spiked eggnog in a bottle from XMAS and was desperate enough to finish that off. (Improper prior planning of alcohol before viewing is sad).
Fancy Pants is a good name, but I kept thinking Ross Matthews lil sister was going to be your name for him. Fancy Pants is definitely easier on the keyboard.
I think that if the guys not in the frat squad team up with Fancy... it will make for a very interesting season.
It is strange... nobody irritates me yet. I'm just looking for entertainment and ... the girls deliver with the cattiness, fire stealing (fail), chicken hoarding (win), and.... um that is about it.
For the guys... although eyecandy is nice; for a change the non-frats are more entertaining except the comedian and nugget were mute. I assume it is producers/editing. I want to see more of them.
One hour a week isn't enough, but your blog definitely helps fill the void. Thanks for doing what you do so well!!!
Loved the recap. When I saw the opening I too thought of your blog from last season and after seeing the whole helicopter badassness I decided that most definitely Dimples reads your blogs. Since I started reading your blogs (I read the Big Brother one as well) I have a whole new outlook on these reality shows. I'm rooting for the craziest, bitchiest, most drama filled group that I can possibly get!ReplyDelete
- Largo LaGrande said...February 17, 2012 at 4:21 AM
Where do you think yer goin', fancy pants?ReplyDelete
- AnonymousFebruary 17, 2012 at 4:25 AM
The helicopter thing was actually done several times already, in seasons past :)ReplyDelete
Loved the episode, loved the recap.ReplyDelete
I have to say I am on the Salami tribe at the moment, love Cha Cha and the tribal council explosion between her and Jugs.
If you are scraping for nics, Jay is being called Helium Head in one group I know of.
Cannot stand that Matt, so arrogant and I hope Fancy Pants uses his idol to remove the chickenless douchebag lawyer.
Matt J. Quinlan, Attorney at Law, showed a lot of self-control by not chasing the ambulance they hauled Kourtney away in.ReplyDelete
Too much bickering. Too much talking over each other. Dreadful sterotypes.ReplyDelete
Your blog was the saving grace.
Colette, you are great! Let's watch the producers stir the chicks into a frenzy to produce the required "war of the sexes". They will keep Fancy Pants around as long as John C. from last season, they feel they need the non masculine role. Where is the female version that will hang with the men?ReplyDelete
Myr... ROFLMAOPMP Hilarious!!!! You are right though... he resisted ambulance chasing (unless production stopped him). JUST HILARIOUS!!!!!ReplyDelete
Oh, Survivor. I'm so glad that it's back. But seriously- SERIOUSLY- I wanted to punch my TV as I watched the immunity challenge. I think Fancy Pants was just about the only one to listen to Dimples when he told them how to jump IN ORDER TO PREVENT INJURY. I liked Kourtney, but she alienated herself in the beginning, and ended up with a game-ending injury by not fucking listening.ReplyDelete
The women were acting like a bunch to twats for the most part. Seriously? I'm paraphrasing here, but "if you give us fire, we'll do a pole dance for you!" Uh, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Stealing the fire- great idea. Letting it go out? IDIOTIC. I got the impression that Alicia didn't like the fact that Cha-Cha was over there, talking with and bartering with the men- SHE should be the one getting the attention! I mean, come on- look at those jugs! ::eyeroll:: Made for good drama, but she is apparently used to getting a lot of attention from men, and doesn't seem to like it when the attention is not on her.
Matt is the product of a giant douche and a turd sandwich; a misogynistic dick who I hope does NOT stick around. Troy reminded me of Shane Powers from Exile Island- he has a whole lot of crazy in his eyes.
I know I had more to say, but I have a blinding headache at the moment, and the searing pain is shorting out my memory... anyway, great blog Lala- I look forward to your TAR blog tomorrow.
Aaaaaaand I see you are not planning on a TAR blog this season due to the evil redheaded bitch. ::sad face::ReplyDelete
Unfortunately, I have a feeling Brenchel will be on for a while.
- yours trulyFebruary 19, 2012 at 3:51 PM
I'm back to worship Queen of the Bitches. You sure put a lot of thought and effort into this. Wit, snark, sillyness, and superior intelligence to mine, is habit forming.ReplyDelete
Too early for me to like or dislike anyone. I was late to this party and thank you for the cast profiles too.
Show the host some love. My credit card number is xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx
- M said...February 21, 2012 at 3:21 AM
An earlier comment indicated that you would not be blogging the next season of The Amazing Race. This made me curious so I headed over to the TAR blog to see why. A little googling about this "Brenchel" entity, combined with a visit to your Big Brother blog, has brought me up to speed. Forgive my ignorance (although, after reading that last BB blog, I suspect you might be envious of it) as I do not watch BB or TAR. I did think the opening paragraphs of this One World blog were particularly good. Perhaps they reflect disenchantment with those two shows combined with anticipatory relish at a new season of the best reality show? All things come to an end... maybe BB and TAR have simply run out of the steam provided by their basic concepts? I know, I know... it's all about CASTING, CASTING, CASTING! But Survivor has a larger margin for error in casting in that the very nature of the game often results in people who might be ordinary in a house or an airport becoming extraordinary when confronted with the deprivation, isolation and physical demands of the game.ReplyDelete
"39 days. 18 people. ONE Survivor!" - I agree. When Jeff says those evocative words I want him hanging from a helicopter or on the side of a volcano or something DRAMATIC! Does Probst read your blog? Probably not. But it's possible someone involved in production does. Maybe your call out of last season's banal delivery WAS noted. It's more fun if we believe that to be the case so therefore we all thank you for fixing that!
I'm sorry if there is less joy in your life because of the downward turn taken by some of your favourite shows. But as a selfish person I am glad you are not blogging The Amazing Race as this will give you more time to devote to the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Maybe you could even devote 72 hours to it?
Fuck me! How hard are these recaptcha's getting to read?!ReplyDelete
How the hell are we gonna make drunken posts now?
My eyes hurt, mommy.Replies
Your captcha was fine. I was sleeping when you posted. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to accept comments while in the dreaming state yet.Delete
All comments get accepted. I just happen to get a LOT of people trying to post ads for everything from Viagra to mattresses in my comments. I moderate to weed out those dickheads.
- M replied...February 21, 2012 at 10:49 AM
Lala, I'm fully aware of what time it is on the US East Coast when I post. I was not concerned about a delay in my comment appearing. It's just that I had to click the refresh button like, twenty times before I got a captcha that was legible enough to me to enter with confidence. I use the chrome browser and sometimes the blogspot comment system behaves a little weird with it (specifically, I click on "publish" and my comment disappears, as opposed to getting the "Your comment will be visible after approval" message).Delete
Now, I'm kinda pissed that you have been rejecting Viagra and mattress ads. Those two items happen to be exactly what I am in the market for. Currently I sleep on the floor and have a stubbornly flaccid penis. It's uncomfortable and frustrating.
Show a fellow some love and let a couple of those ads through, Ok? I'm determined to have non-humiliating sex on a soft surface one day!
This guy is too much! lolDelete
Where do you think yer goin', fancy pants?ReplyDelete


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This topic is for you to post your own message to Coach Carroll as the new Coach & Executive VP for our Seahawks. Feel free to share your opinion, your excitement or your pessimism, and I will deliver it to team HQ later this week.
I want this to be from the heart, but also in a professional and respectful manner. I'll start:
Coach Carroll,
As a lifelong Seahawk fan and part of the greatest group of fans in the NFL, we want nothing more than to watch a winning team, but it's important to us to also be fans of a winning organization. We felt like we finally acheived this for several years under the direction of Mike Holmgren. He taught this organization how to win, and what it means to be more than what you think you can be.
As I study your professional history both in the NFL and with USC, I see a man that has learned from his past mistakes. I think this is why I am most excited about your hire, because just like Holmgren did before you, I feel that you are bringing our team the continuation of a culture of winning that you've had with USC. I can't wait to see your enthusiasm rub off onto our players, and ultimately turn into extraordinary efforts on gameday.
In short, when I heard that you were coming to the Seahawks, I was both excited and skeptical. The questions about "will his College success translate to the NFL" still remain in my mind, but in terms of bringing in the right guy, and the right football mind to transform our team into a winner, I can't disagree with Mr Leiweke's choice.
Welcome to the Seahawks Coach, and I'm glad you began your press conference with the fans. You really have no idea what you are in for on the first gameday at Qwest Field, but I promise you that you will get chills. I still do.
All the best
Mark Olsen


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Close to 190 early care and education providers and presenters from SW Colorado and NW New Mexico gathered together on Saturday, Oct. 13 at Fort Lewis College in Durango to participate in the 2nd Annual SW District of the Colorado Association for the Education of Young Children Conference (CAEYC). The theme of the conference was Its all about relationships. The conference was co-sponsored by the Montelores Early Childhood Council, the SW District of CAEYC, Fort Lewis College/Teacher Education and the Early Childhood Professional Training Project, funded by the Temple Hoyne Buell Foundation of Denver.
All Colorado child care providers must complete at least 15 hours of annual training to boost their knowledge and skills to ultimately improve quality of care. This conference provided a local opportunity for providers to achieve the Colorado Division of Child Cares requirement for such training. Providers could earn up to 6.5 hours of training at the conference.
Why a theme about relationships? Relationships are at the heart of nearly everything and the quality of relationships determines whether a relationship will thrive or flounder! We have all kinds of relationships with people and with things. If we work at nurturing the various relationships in our lives, we will likely have much better outcomes. Some relationships can be challenging, and advice and guidance may be needed to improve those relationships. The goal of this annual conference is to consider the relationships that early care and education providers are likely to encounter in their work with young children and their families, and to learn new strategies to improve outcomes.
Child care workers have relationships with those they work with, including the children in their care, parents and other family members, and support personnel. They work at developing a web of nurturing relationships to benefit the children and families that they work with on a daily basis. But, it is not easy and help is needed to learn how to make relationships work better for all involved.
Most children in child care are in that setting because their parents are at work. Such children spend a significant amount of time away from their parents. We know that the early years are very important to a childs development and thus, the quality of care must be high to achieve good outcomes for the children. Nurturing relationships are a key component for quality in child care settings.
Workshop topics at the conference were rich and varied and some were led by local residents of Montezuma and Dolores counties. All topics touched in some way on relationships. Local presenters were Lindsay Havran, Mary Dodd, Casie LaMunyon, Patricia Nelson, Deb Quinlan, Delilah Darland, Rebecca Larson, Kristin Croker and Dr. Bob Seney. They led workshops on topics ranging from Developing a Classroom Community; Understanding, Fostering and Facilitating the Earliest Relationships; Using Books to Promote Learning and Social/Emotional Competence; Taking a Walk in Someone Elses Shoes; Diabetes Prevention; Child Passenger Safety Education; Bridges Out of Poverty; Foundation of Leadership for EC Professionals; Building Relationships Through Childrens Literature; and Its All About the Relationships That We Build.
Dr. Gail Joseph, an associate professor at the University of Washington, was the keynote speaker. In addition to teaching there, Dr. Joseph is currently also co-leading a five-year $40 million Head Start Grant promoting early childhood learning. She has authored numerous books and articles. Her talk If youre happy and you know it: practical strategies for supporting social and emotional skills with young children was well-received. It may seem simple but helping a group of young children learn to sit quietly, take turns, be patient, get along with one another and control and understand their emotions takes a great deal of skill. And, if children dont learn these things before they enter kindergarten or first grade, research suggests that they will more likely struggle and flounder, and may need costly interventions in order to achieve success.
The third annual conference will be held again next fall with the same theme, Its all about relationships. Revisiting this topic in a systematic way on a regular basis promotes the value and importance of working at building good relationships so that all may thrive.
Barbara Dodds is Project Administrator for the Early Childhood Professional Training Project and is a member of MECC.


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"What are the measurements of this hat please?"
Winter Wool Trilby Fedora Hat - Medium/Large
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Set of 2 Boxing Glove Cookie Cutters
$16.50 $19.50
FREE International Standard Shipping for order above USD $50 (or USD $40 for UK)!
All packages will be shipped with recorded and trackable deliveries.
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Every cookie cutter is individually packed with a lovely information card inserted - a great gift for anyone who loves baking!
Each cookie cutter is made to order. It usually takes me about 1 working day to make the cookie cutters upon receiving an order (unless the order is large).
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Estimated Standard Shipping time are as follows (subject to custom clearance for international deliveries):
United Kingdom: 2 - 3 working days
Germany: 2 - 4 working days
Europe: 3 - 7 working days
USA & Canada: 5 - 10 working days
Rest of World: 6 - 15 working days
Estimated Expedited Shipping time via DHL Express:
United Kingdom: by end of next possible day
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** Please feel free to send me an inquiry if you have any questions about your order **
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To be eligible for a return, items must be returned unused, and in its original packaging. Return of used items will be rejected and the refund will not be processed. Please drop us an email if you need to return your order.
If the items are damaged or lost during delivery, I will offer a replacement shipment, or a refund to a maximum value of $38 USD, provided that the responsibilities for damages or missing package lie on the delivery company.
For damaged item: Please send me an email along with photos of the damaged packaging and item.
For lost parcel: An enquiry can be raised if the package has not arrived 15 business days from the due delivery date. Please contact me about your package and I can help to forward the enquiry to postal company for investigation.
If you are not satisfied with your purchase, we can offer to accept return for a refund of your order. Please note that used items CANNOT be returned for a refund.
It would be a preferred option if the return is done via a trackable shipping method. Our return address is as follows:
PO Box 75374
United Kingdom
Sugar Biscuit Recipe
- 1 cup of unsalted butter, softened (approximately 220 grams)
- 1 cup of granulated sugar
- 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract (or almond extract)
- 1 large egg
- 3 cups of all-purpose flour, sifted
- [Optional] food colouring
1. Whisk softened butter and sugar until mixture is creamy and well-combined
2. Add vanilla extract and egg into the mixture and beat to combine
3. Add flour and knead the mixture until consistency of a soft dough is achieved
4. Chill the dough in refrigerator for approximately 1 hour
5. Roll the chilled dough onto a baking sheet to 5mm thick.
- If the dough becomes too hard after chilling, knead it lightly to soften it.
- If the dough becomes too soft for cutting, place the tray of rolled dough back to the refrigerator for about 10 minutes before cutting it again. This step may need to be repeated in a warmer environment.
6. Use your favourite cutters to cut out the biscuit shapes you desire. (Essential tips: coat the cutters in flour before each cut to make the release of dough from cutters easy)
7. Remove the excess dough remnants from the baking sheet (instead of transferring cut dough onto another sheet). This method avoids the handling of dough and hence prevents shape distortions during transfers.
8. Preheat oven to 170 degree Celsius (CAUTION: HOT!), and bake the dough for 10-15 minutes.
9. Once the baked biscuits are cooled, they are ready to serve. Party!!!
♥ 5mm thickness of dough will be perfect (~1/5 inch)
♥ For easy release of dough, remember to coat the cutter with icing sugar/ flour before cutting
♥ Use non-raising dough recipe to get the best looking cookie!
♥ Handwash with lukewarm soapy water and a mini brush to remove remnants.
♥ Dishwasher Safe
Boxing Glove Cookie Cutter (palm view)
Approximately 7.2cm by 10cm (2.83 inches by 3.93 inches) each


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For years, my (once) mother-in-law made an incredible deep dish apple cake. She gave me the recipe and although I followed it to the letter, my cake, while good, never looked like hers. I finally overhauled it from top to bottom myself and voila! I got the apple cake of my dreams. This is outrageously- packed with apples, old-fashioned, and easy cake.
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Quake IV gets a home on the interweb....Read More →
Use code Consolemonster at checkout and get 15% off the purchase of a Calling Series gaming chair!
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SMITHFIELD – Edesia founder and executive director Navyn Salem will receive the 2012 New England Businesswoman of the Year award later this week at Bryant University's annual Women's Summit.
The award recognizes excellence in a female founder, president or CEO of a New England-based multimillion-dollar business. The award recipient – or her institution – must also be engaged in service projects that improve the lives of others.
Salem and her company certainly qualify for the award requirements. She founded the Providence-based ready-to-use food producer in 2007 to treat and prevent malnutrition in the developing world.
Salem opened the doors to Edesia's 15,000-square-foot Providence production facility in early 2010 and was named one of Providence Business News' Business Women "Women to Watch" in 2010.
The facility produces four peanut-based, ready-to-use food pastes – Plumpy'nut, Supplementary'Plumpy, Plumpy'Doz and Nuributter – which have been distributed in more than 18 countries to nearly half a million children and used in emergencies such as the 2010 earthquake in Haiti.
The peanut pastes are combined with milk powder, vegetable oil and sugar and fortified with essential minerals. They have a two-year shelf life and do not require refrigeration or hydration. Edesia is currently the only licensed facility in the United States to manufacture the ready-to-use food products developed by the French company Nutriset.
Salem's business model includes collaboration and partnerships with aide organizations such as the World Food Programme, UNICEF, Partners in Health, Save the Children, and the Clinton Global Initiative.
Edesia has been an important local force as well as an international one. The Providence plant opened at a time when unemployment was spiking in the Ocean State.
Salem told PBN that she chose to locate the manufacturing facility in Providence – turning down other real estate opportunities in Massachusetts – because "it was important to do something to help provide jobs here in Rhode Island, given the high unemployment."


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Thierry Paulin
On November 25, 1987, French serial killer Thierry Paulin murders Rachel Cohen, age 79. On the same day, he attacked 87-year-old, Berthe Finalteri, whom he suffocated and left for dead. Two days later, he strangled Genevieve Germont, who would be his last victim.
As Paulin celebrated his 24th birthday, Finalteri unexpectedly recovered, and was able to give an accurate description of her attacker. On December 1, Paulin was arrested while walking down the street when a local police inspector, Francis Jacob, recognized him from Finalteri's description. After two days in custody, Paulin admitted everything and was eventually charged with 18 murders (though he claimed responsibility for 21). He was sent to jail to await trial but in early 1988, he fell ill, and began to succumb to the effects of AIDS. Within a year he was hospitalized in a state of near-paralysis, suffering from both tuberculosis and meningitis. He died during the night of April 16, 1989, in the hospital wing of Fresnes prison.
Visit Michael Thomas Barry's official author website – www.michaelthomasbarry.com & order his true crime bookMurder & Mayhem 52 Crimes that Shocked Early California 1849-1949, from Amazon or Barnes & Noble through the following links –
http://www.amazon.com/Murder-Mayhem-Shocked-California-1849- 1949/dp/0764339680/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352214939&sr=8-1&keywords=michael+thomas+barry


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0 Members and 1 Lonely Barbarian are spying on this topic.
Hmm, let's see....Howzabout that most Celtic of enemies: the giant. Big, lumbering, not too bright. You know the drill. Of course, giant things could also be good.
What about a gigantic statue? Would that be accepted?
Quote from: Kassy on July 28, 2012, 07:58:17 AMWhat about a gigantic statue? Would that be accepted?Hmm. It's hard to say with absolute certainty without seeing it, but sure, give it a go.
Question: What is freetext? And how do I win at Freetext Friday?
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Sharp rate increases proposed for the state's largest property insurer could threaten Florida's flagship real estate and tourism industries just as they're turning the corner from the downturn and the Gulf oil spill.
Coming off the strongest season for visitation and home sales since the Great Recession took hold, higher insurance premiums levied by Citizens Property Insurance Corp. could rock the two segments of the economy now leading Southwest Florida's recovery.
Condominium associations from Englewood to Anna Maria Island are considering new caps on short-term rentals to mitigate the blow from the state-run carrier. But many businesses that depend on tourism spending worry that the loss of available rooms in the short-term rental pool will drive prices higher and push visitors to other beach destinations.
Coastal condo sales, too, could falter as buyers reconsider a Southwest Florida retirement in the face of mounting premiums.
"It is a huge concern for us," said Kevin Cooper, executive director of the Siesta Key Chamber of Commerce. "Consumers will be forced to absorb these increases. From a cost perspective, the fear is they will go somewhere else."
Condo associations are already reacting to a Citizens rule approved last year that shifts condos into the realm of commercial policies if more than 25 percent of the units are used for short-term rentals, limiting coverage to $1 million per building.
The repairs that would be needed after a major storm could easily surpass that level of coverage, forcing associations to turn to private carriers — including the unregulated surplus lines market — to make up the insurance difference. In turn, that could balloon total insurance spending by as much as 600 percent, property managers estimate.
But the pain does not end there.
Florida lawmakers might advance a bill that would increase some Citizens rates to help downsize the state-run company, potentially boosting premiums by 37 percent in Sarasota County and 27 percent in Manatee for new customers.
It is unclear where the insurance changes will end up.
Big rate increases already approved by the Florida Senate were left out of House legislation unveiled on Friday. House Speaker Will Weatherford, R-Wesley Chapel, said House and Senate negotiators would try to "hammer out the differences" as lawmakers move toward adjournment this week.
Many will be watching those negotiations closely.
Finally breathing easier after years of recession-driven anguish, condo owners say the threat has put them back on edge.
"We will have to raise rates to compensate for that increase," said David Teitelbaum, who operates a series of condo resorts on Anna Maria Island. "And when people raise rates, it does affect occupancy, absolutely."
To avoid the more expensive commercial designation, many condo association boards have begun enacting new rules to limit short-term rental use in what have been predominantly vacation properties.
Others, like Teitelbaum, are passing the increases on to customers through higher room rates.
Teitelbaum said spiking Citizens premiums have forced him to raise the cost of a stay at one of his four resorts by 5 percent this year. He expects to boost rates higher later in the summer.
The trend has shrunk the supply of short-term rooms available for rent at a time when visitor demand is shattering records: there was a 95 percent occupancy rate in Sarasota during March.
Construction of new condos had largely been put on hold during the prolonged downturn. Because Southwest Florida always has been an area that relies on condos more than traditional hotels to host vacationers, the ramifications of the insurance shifts will be amplified here, said Virginia Haley, president of Visit Sarasota, the county's official tourism marketing arm.
There are 14,578 short-term rental units in Sarasota County, and 48 percent of them are condos, records show.
Haley said the Citizens changes could open the floodgates to illegal rental activity, with condo owners dodging sales tax and bed tax requirements through an underground tourism industry.
The problem already plagues Anna Maria, where homeowners have transformed duplexes and single-family homes into make-shift hotels, which often violate basic building codes and skate on tax bills.
"Ironically, at a time when we were finally beginning to get more bed inventory, this will greatly reduce the number of units and create the likely scenario of widespread cheating," Haley said.
Real estate agents are similarly concerned that spiking insurance premiums will pinch condo sales to baby boomers, who are again trekking to Southwest Florida in large numbers to make retirement purchases put on hold by the recession.
That could eventually affect construction jobs, local government revenues and even other business's cash registers — slowing the region's entire economy, some fear.
"It will have a pretty dramatic effect on our area," said Scott Petersen, a Sarasota real estate attorney, who works with many condo associations. "It just seems like a short-sighted approach."
But lawmakers who are behind the move to shrink Citizens Property Insurance argue that the risk of the government-backed carrier failing in the wake of a major hurricane simply outweighs any potential problems for tourism and real estate.
With more than $400 billion in total exposure statewide, many lawmakers say the present premiums would not be enough to support Citizens after a major storm, leaving insurance customers statewide on the hook for any shortfall. Citizens has the power to tax most insurance lines in Florida to pay claims following a major disaster.
There are about 90,000 active Citizens policies in Sarasota and Manatee counties, which combine for $153 million in premiums and a total exposure of nearly $33 billion, the most recent Citizens data shows.
The 1.3 million Citizens policyholders statewide now pay an average of $2,250 per year for insurance.
Although economists acknowledge that the Citizens increases will likely push some of Florida's population increases inland, they do not believe it will significantly damage the Sunshine State's retirement pipeline. Many note that the impact of a catastrophic storm — with insufficient funds to cover damages — would likely scare away more homebuyers and tourists than any insurance increases.
The proposed Citizens boost for new policies passed the Senate last week, but awaits a final vote — and possible negotiated modifications — from the House.
"This is something that has to happen," said Sean Snaith, an economist with the University of Central Florida. "Insurance rates should be reflective of the risk for a particular piece of property, so we're not in a major loss situation should a catastrophe occur."
Looming threat
Consumer advocates have questioned the timing of the proposal, with Citizens more actuarially sound now than at any other time during the past seven years.
The carrier has built more than $6 billion in cash reserves without the claims from a direct hurricane hit on Florida. It has the finances to withstand all but the most catastrophic storm without resorting to assessments.
On the other hand, many private carriers are on much shakier footing, an issue the pending legislation does not address. Several major insurers are rated as weak and could fail after a large hurricane, subjecting insurance customers to the same assessments that lawmakers say they fear from Citizens. Many of the private insurers do not have large reserves, despite a record stretch without a hurricane striking Florida, because they rely on costly offshore reinsurance to cover liabilities.
The looming threat of higher insurance costs comes as both real estate and tourism have climbed back to their healthiest levels since the downturn.
More than 264,700 visitors booked an overnight stay in Sarasota County from Jan. 1 through March 31 — the three months considered peak season for the industry. That was a 5.1 percent jump from the same period in 2012, already a record-breaking year for tourism.
Those gains were mirrored in condo and town home sales, segments likely to be most impacted by any Citizens rate increases.
Sarasota, Manatee and Charlotte counties saw 492 multifamily units change hands during March, a 15 percent increase from February and a 4 percent jump from a year ago.
"We have seen this coming for a long time," said Tom Davis, property manager at Jamaica Royale, a condo rental community on Siesta Key. "All we can do is take a wait-and-see approach."
Dick O'Dowd considers himself one of the lucky ones.
The manager of the small 21-unit La Playa Condos on Longboat Key was notified several months ago that Citizens was dropping his complex's policy, a move that became effective Thursday.
O'Dowd was able to find a well-capitalized insurer that raised his premiums less than 10 percent from what his association had been paying Citizens.
"Some of the property managers on the island here are just pulling their hair out," he said. "They're concerned they will be placed with companies that are in a questionable financial situation or companies they know nothing about."
Insurance proposals imperil tourism and home-sale gains
Sharp rate increases proposed for the state's largest property insurer could threaten Florida's flagship real estate and tourism industries just as they're turning the corner from the downturn and the Gulf oil spill.


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the future is from… Volvo July 23, 2012Posted by nicholas gill in automotive, brand experience, innovation, volvo.
Tags: automotive, environment, f, future, open, social business, technology, volvo
Volvo has changed. No longer just a brick to protect your family. Today, their cars look pretty cool. But today is yesterday in automotive terms so Volvo, like all manufacturers are looking to the future. But where most manufacturers jealously guard their knowledge stocks, the Swedes are opening theirs up. Well, I'm sure these are just a few of the full range of R&D projects underway but it's a smart move to open up the idea process. Simple website layout and navigation and simple, easy to understand projects. I really like this and the mix of what's happening today and a glimpse of what's coming tomorrow.
- 1. Michaelusepe - August 30, 2017
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Lowering Latency
WHEN YOU PLUG YOUR GUITAR INTO A COMPUTER and process the sound with amp simulators, you'll experience latency—the time between hitting a note and hearing it. Actually, you experience it with amps, too. Sound travels at about one foot per millisecond, so if your amp is five feet away, there's about a 5ms delay before you hear the note you just played.
The main reason for latency is the computer's need for a sample buffer. Audio is a continuous process—you can't have any interruptions. But computers do a zillion things at once—check the keyboard, send signals to the monitor, arbitrate priorities, etc.—so the computer stores several milliseconds of audio samples in a memory buffer. If the computer has to rush off to some other task, there's some audio in reserve, so audio can continue streaming. If the buffer runs out of samples, your audio will crackle, pop, or die altogether. Not good. But increasing buffer size means more latency. So, you have to find the sweet spot between minimum latency and maximum reliability.
Finding the Sweet Spot
The spec for latency is given either in milliseconds or samples. Milliseconds are more convenient, but most interfaces use samples. Does it matter? No, because all you care about is finding the sweet spot. So…
• Set your audio interface hardware buffer for 512 samples.
• Verify that you can play audio without it crapping out.
• Lower the audio interface latency a little bit at a time—256 samples, then 192, then 128, and so on—until the audio performance deteriorates.
• Now you know how low you can't go. Increase the buffer size until the audio is reliable again.
Latency-Decreasing Tactics
• For lowest latency on a Mac, use Core Audio interfaces. For Windows, use ASIO interfaces. (Note: Windows programs typically let you choose various interface protocols such asDirectX, MME, and WDM, but choose ASIO—never "emulated" ASIO—for the lowest latency.)
• Faster computers let you get away with lower latencies.
• A program doesn't have lower latency just because it says it does—use your ears! Some programs list only input latency, but there's output latency, as well.
• The more your computer has to do, the harder it is to get low latency. Running an amp sim in stand-alone mode, where the computer devotes all its resources to the sim, gives the lowest latency. Run the sim as a plug-in in a DAW that's running a zillion tracks, plug-ins, and virtual instruments, and you'll need to increase the sample buffer size. Savvy recordists cut guitar parts through sims early on to ensure low latency. Then, after the guitar parts are done, they increase the latency to handle a progressively more complex project.


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NetRexx is an alternative language for the Java Virtual Machine (JVM). One of its most compelling benefits is its complete, syntax-less integration with JVM libraries. Whereas other JVM languages depend on new libraries to be written with all the related problems like inventing new conventions NetRexx integrates seamlessly with Java.
The NetRexx language processor can function as a pure scripting language and interpret source code, or it can compile to Java class files. In the compiled version, the right invocation is generated and there is no difference between using a NetRexx class or a Java class. NetRexx takes this integration to the extreme, by depending wholly on the JVM for I/O and other functions.
The benefit of such tight integration is that new developments in IT are available to NetRexx programmers as soon as they are available to the Java developers.
For example, when the Raspberry Pi first emerged at least, when we could get our hands on one a whole new world of turning on and off of LEDs and relays via GPIO pins was open to NetRexx. From the beginning, there were two class libraries that could perform the low-level I/O operations, such as with this:
import framboos. led = Outpin(0) led.setValue(1) Thread.currentThread().sleep(10000) led.setValue(0) led.close()
Note that this is the complete program, using the scripting mode of NetRexx, in which there is no need to set up class definitions, class constructors, or a
main() method. This program will turn on an LED, wait 10 seconds, and turn it off.
While coding, you can use an edit-and-interpret cycle for rapid development; when the code is debugged and working, it can be compiled to a class file and stored in a JAR along with the other application classes.
A slightly larger example (Listing One) shows the use of NetRexx with the Eclipse Paho client for MQTT, the machine-to-machine messaging protocol for the Internet of Things (which is a good combination with a Raspberry, by the way the mosquitto message broker does an excellent job offering a complete message broker in a small memory footprint).
Listing One: NetRexx written as a class.
import java.sql.Timestamp import org.eclipse.paho.client.mqttv3. class Publish implements MqttCallback method Publish() conOpt = MqttConnectOptions() conOpt.setCleanSession(0) tmpDir = System.getProperty("java.io.tmpdir") dataStore = MqttDefaultFilePersistence(tmpDir) clientId = MqttClient.generateClientId() topicName = "/world" payload = "hello".toString().getBytes() qos = 2 do broker = "localhost" port = "1883" brokerUrl = "tcp://"broker":"port client = MqttClient(brokerUrl,clientId, dataStore) client.setCallback(this) catch e=mqttException say e.getMessage() e.printStackTrace() end -- do client.connect() log("Connected to "brokerUrl" with client ID "client.getClientId()) -- Get an instance of the topic topic = client.getTopic(topicName) message = MqttMessage(payload) message.setQos(qos) -- Publish the message time = Timestamp(System.currentTimeMillis()).toString() log('Publishing at: 'time' to topic "'topicName'" with qos 'qos) token = topic.publish(message) -- Wait until the message has been delivered to the server token.waitForCompletion() -- Disconnect the client client.disconnect() log("Disconnected") method log(line) say line method messageArrived(t=MqttTopic,m=MqttMessage) method deliveryComplete(t=MqttDeliveryToken) log("Delivery Complete: " t) method connectionLost(t=Throwable) log("Connection Lost:" t.getMessage()) method main(args=String[]) static Publish()
For the
log() method in Listing One, we would choose an Apache log4j implementation in production code.