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The Defiant
Design and Build
In "The Search, Part 1", Sisko states that the Defiant was built for one purpose - to fight and defeat the Borg. This would mean that the very earliest that the project could have begun was 2365, after Stardate 42761.3 - the date of the episode "Q Who?", which introduced Starfleet to the Borg threat. Sisko said the project was shelved when the Borg threat "became less urgent". Presumably this refers to the defeat of the Borg cube by the Enterprise-D in "Best of Both Worlds, Part 2", which took place around Stardate 43999.1.
This would mean that the Defiant had an absolute maximum of 1,237.8 Stardate units for design and building. Using the common TNG formula of 1,000 Stardates = 1 year, this would equate to about 15 months.
The DS9 TM notes on page 121 that a number of the systems used were already available. It goes on to state that the Defiant was created by modifying a pre-existing "pathfinder" design which was entering systems-level testing. The design shown for this pathfinder is largely identical to what became the Nova class as seen in Voyager's "Equinox".
It's hard to know how seriously to take this. Modifying something like the Nova into something like the Defiant would take nothing more or less than a near-total redesign. It would be a far more extensive change than the Enterprise underwent from TOS to TMP, a change which had already strained the bounds of credibility.
It's also hard to know to what extent existing systems could have been used. If the TM is talking about power transfer conduits, artificial gravity generators, computer cores, replicators and such, then it seems perfectly reasonable enough that the designers would use off the shelf units to save time and effort. If they are talking about major components such as the warp core and coils, phaser cannon, and quantum torpedoes then it seems far less likely. The Defiant's warp coils, for instance, could not possibly have fitted inside the nacelles of a pathfinder/Nova type. It's also hard to understand why there was no mention of quantum torpedoes in Best of Both Worlds when the crew was talking about upgraded weapons systems, if these were an existing technology at the time.
The reasonable conclusion is that the Defiant may have inherited some of the less important systems from earlier designs, but that the overall design effort involved in the ship would be little short of that required to produce an entirely new class from scratch. The construction effort involved in producing the Defiant would presumably be much lower than that needed for even a small ship like the Intrepid - in volume terms the Defiant is around half the size of the Intrepid at most.
The most telling point concerning the Defiant's build time comes from "Shattered Mirror". In this episode we find that the Mirror O'Brien stole the plans for the Defiant during "Through The Looking Glass". The Stardates of both episodes are uncertain, but looking at the episodes around them and interpolating we get a date of about 48700 for "Through the Looking Glass" and about 49800 for "Shattered Mirror", so the episodes are only about one year apart. So even if the rebels conquered it the day after "Through the Looking Glass", they managed to build their Defiant in about one year, using only whatever construction equipment or materials they had to hand in a station whose primary function was as an ore processing plant.
Crew Complement
We have several references to the Defiant's crew, all giving figures in the region of fifty. The first comes in the episode "The Adversary". The ship has been sabotaged by a Founder, with devices planted in the control systems. Sisko states :
|Sisko :
|"We've got forty seven people on board. Theoretically, any one of them could have planted these devices."
|Yedrin :
|"At first, everyone had to sleep here - all forty eight of them."
|Sisko :
|"Forty eight?"
|Yedrin :
|"Kira died a few weeks after the crash."
|Sisko :
|"Captain, you know as well as I do that there aren't any shape shifters on the Defiant. Use those quantum torpedoes and you'll be killing fifty Starfleet officers."
The Defiant's main armament comprises four phaser pulse cannons. These are first seen firing in "The Search" and subsequently in many other episodes. The weapons face forwards and are located at the root of the nacelles.
This shot clearly shows the two port side pulse phaser cannon.
The pulse cannon initially appear to be fixed axis - that is, only capable of firing directly forwards. This would be a significant limitation for the weapons because it would make targeting extremely difficult. To hit a 100 metre object from as little as 500 kilometres would require an aiming accuracy of about a hundredth of a degree, whilst doing the same from 300,000 kilometres - a range we have seen beam weapons used at in Trek - would change this to about one fifty thousandth of a degree! Aiming a ship with this kind of accuracy would be an impressive feat indeed.
Fortunately, the episode "Paradise Lost" shows that the phaser cannon have a significant off-axis capability. In the episode the Defiant battles against another Starfleet ship, the USS Lakota. At one point the Defiant swoops over the Lakota and fires the main cannon, scoring hits on Lakota's dorsal surface :
Defiant fires on Lakota.
As you can see, the Defiant is scoring hits on the starship's shields roughly at the point where the front of the nacelles are. She is flying almost parallel to the Lakota - her nose may be down somewhat, but not nearly enough to be pointing at this spot. It's not so clear from this single still, but when watching the moving footage it is very clear that the Defiant's phaser pulses are emerging at a significant downward angle. The ability to fire even a few degrees off axis would give the Defiant much more flexibility in firing on an enemy during battle.
The Defiant also has at least two other phaser weapons, which can also be seen firing in "Paradise Lost" :
This shot shows a phaser beam firing from the nose section, underneath the deflector dish.
The episode "Starship Down" also shows this weapon being used :
Defiant destroys a Jem'Hadar ship with a phaser blast.
The episode "Rejoined" features the Defiant participating in an attempt to create an artificial wormhole. An energy beam is fired at a probe to create some sort of subspace matrix :
Defiant fires an energy beam.
This could represent some sort of separate energy beam emitter here, or perhaps the phaser bank was removed or modified for this experiment. But the the type of energy being used in "Rejoined" is never specified, so we can just as easily assume that it is a phaser beam. The beam shown above was of a wider spread and a different colour than normal phaser fire, but this is not necessarily a problem - firing wide angle beams is a known capability of phasers, and the colour could be a result of this and the use of a low power setting.
A moment after firing the shot from its nose section in "Paradise Lost", Defiant rolls and fires another beam from somewhere around the bridge collar. Phaser fire is also seen coming from this area frequently during the climactic battle in "Shattered Mirror" :
Another phaser firing from the dorsal surface.
Defiant fires on the Regency.
The beam looks as if it is emerging from directly on top of the bridge, though the images are fuzzy enough to justify putting it immediately behind the bridge instead. There is no sign of a phaser array in this area, so the best bet is probably to say that this is a single phaser emitter akin to the phaser banks carried by the Refit Constitution class Enterprise and other ships of that era. We should remember that this is an alternate version of the Defiant which could have a different weapons fit, but there is really no need to assume this. The episode does state that this Defiant was built from the original plans which the rebels had stolen, and since the same weapon has appeared in both the original and mirror version of the ship then it seems the rebels simply stuck to the plans.
The Defiant originally carried Photon torpedoes - in "The Search" Sisko orders O'Brien to make sure that the ship is carrying a full complement of photons. In the episode "Defiant" Thomas riker stole the Defiant and used it to attack Cardassian space. At one point he orders Quantum torpedoes fired and we see two torpedoes emerge from the triangular shaped areas on the forward hull :
Defiant firing quantum torpedoes.
These weapons are a different colour from the standard blue/orange/red photon torpedoes but otherwise appear identical in function. The non canon DS9 Technical Manual states that quantum torpedoes operate by using a matter/antimatter energy release to trigger a zero point energy charge, resulting in a yield much higher than normal torpedoes. After "Defiant", the ship would almost always use these weapons during battle, and you would be tempted to say that the ship was initially fitted with photon launchers which had then been replaced with quantum tubes. Unfortunately in the episode "The Adversary" a Founder seizes control of the Defiant and sends it on a course towards Tzenkethi space, arming the photon torpedoes. Since "The Adversary" comes well after "Defiant", we either have to speculate that the ship had the photon tubes replaced with quantum tubes, then went back to photons, then back to quantums again - which is clearly absurd to my mind - or we assume that the ship can carry and fire both photons and quantums at the same time.
It is certainly possible that the new quantum torpedoes could be designed to fire from all existing torpedo tubes - as it is photon tubes can already fire probes, so there is at least some flexibility in the size and shape of the objects they can handle. But if this were so then surely we would expect many other ships to start using quantum torpedoes during the Dominion war? Certainly the sovereign class Enterprise-E only ever fired quantum torpedoes from the rapid fire launcher on the ventral saucer surface and photons from all other tubes, implying that each launcher could handle only one kind of torpedo. Perhaps the tubes are backward compatible but not forwards - that is, perhaps quantum tubes can fire photon torpedoes but photon tubes cannot fire quantum torps?
As well as the two forward facing launchers Defiant has an aft launcher, which is seen firing in Paradise Lost :
Defiant fires an aft torpedo tube at the Lakota.
Notice that this is clearly a standard photon torpedo rather than a white quantum torp. This could be another explanation for why the ship carries both kinds of torpedo - it originally had three photon launchers and refitted the forward facing launchers for quantum torpedoes whilst leaving the aft launcher for photons. This would remove any need for cross-compatibility between launcher and torpedo types.
The Deep Space Nine Technical Manual shows a pair of aft torpedo launchers just aft and inboard of the nacelles, corresponding to the glowing red spots on the hull. This is an odd choice - these glowing areas look extremely like impulse engines and nothing like any torpedo tube we have ever seen. The DS9 TM puts three impulse engines at the very back of the ship, claiming that the lack of any external features on the ship in this area is because the exhaust is emitted through some sort of porous blank metal plate. Given that the Paradise Lost tube is fired from the aft centre of the ship, we must reasonably conclude that the DS9 TM is wrong. There is a single aft launcher in this location, and the glowing red areas are indeed the impulse engines. the other option is to conclude that Defiant actually has three aft torpedo tubes, two behind the red areas and one at the centre, above or below the centre impulse engine.
The DS9 Tech Manual also puts a torpedo launcher in the nose section, beneath/between the navigational deflector emitters. There is an aperture here, which as mentioned earlier has been seen to fire phaser beams together with an energy beam which may or may not be a phaser. In the latter case, just seconds after Defiant fires the energy beam in "Rejoined" the ship launches a probe from the very same spot :
Defiant launches a probe.
If TNG is any guide then the ability to launch probes should also indicate the ability to launch photon torpedoes from the same area, though this is not certain.
As if it isn't bad enough having a phaser and probe launcher in this aperture, the episode "One Little Ship" shows a tractor beam being emitted from this same opening!
At the very least, this leaves us with a phaser bank, a tractor beam emitter and a probe launcher. Even assuming a length of 170 metres as stated in the DS9 TM, this area of the ship is no more than about 2 or 3 metres across at the very most. It is hard to believe that such a small area could contain all three items.
One possibility is that there is only a launcher here, but that it handles some fairly specialised probe types. You should be able to fit a probe with a phaser or tractor beam emitter, and it is conceivable that the probe could be loaded and then the beam fired from within the tube. Such technology could even explain the famous FX error in TNG's "Darmok" in which a phaser beam was fired from the forward torpedo launcher. It does seem like a fairly impractical proposition though.
My own conclusion is that there is a probe/photon launcher in this location, with a phaser beam and tractor beam emitter crammed in beside it. This is somewhat unsatisfactory, but less so than other explanations.
In conclusion, then, Defiant's weapons can be summarised as follows :
|Seen In
|Pulse Phaser Cannon
|At root of nacelles
|"The Search", various other episodes.
|Phaser emitter
|On/behind bridge
|"Paradise Lost", "Shattered Mirror"
|Phaser emitter
|In nose section
|"Paradise Lost", "Starship Down"
|Quantum tubes
|Forward hull
|"Defiant", various other episodes
|Photon tube
|Aft hull
|"Paradise Lost"
|Probe/photon launcher
|In nose section
Only the infamous Klingon Bird of Prey has been shown at a more bewildering spread of sizes than the Defiant. I'm not going to try and deal with this issue in anything like the kind of depth that I did for the BoP, but I will do a quick review of some of the different sizes we have seen the ship at over the years.
On page 121 the DS9 TM states : "the final dimensions of the new ship became 170.68 by 134.11 by 30.1 metres".
This figure is fairly widely accepted because the DS9 TM was co-written by Rick Sternbach, Herman Zimmerman and Doug Drexler, all crew insiders on DS9 who would be expected to know their stuff. The rather less authoritative Star Trek Fact Files (28/1) gives the ship a length of 68.58 metres, which would not be too far off the size depicted in First Contact. The Encyclopedia size charts (3rd edition, page 687) show the Defiant at around 200 metres as compared to a 289 metre Constitution class.
In this movie the Defiant takes on a Borg cube, and is badly damaged. The Enterprise-E swoops in to the rescue. As we can see in the image below, the E-E dwarfs the tough little ship; indeed given that the Defiant is somewhat closer to us than the Enterprise-E in this image, it would actually be even smaller than it appears at first glance!
The Enterprise-E swoops past the Defiant.
Given that Picard later describes the Enterprise as "almost seven hundred metres long", the Defiant would be no more than about 40 metres across in this image. That would make it about 45 metres long, barely much larger than the Delta Flyer! At such a size the Defiant could not possibly have more than one or two decks, yet we have repeatedly heard references to decks 3, 4, and even on occasion 5.
Next to a Bird of Prey, Defiant usually appears to be about the same size :
Defiant next to Martok's Bird of Prey.
But this hardly helps us much because the Bird of Prey has no consistent size either, having been depicted at everything from 35 to 650+ metres!
"By Inferno's Light" gives us a good comparison between the Defiant and a Danube class Runabout ;
Defiant takes a runabout in tow.
The DS9 TM states that the Danube class Runabout is 23.1 metres long, a figure which has not been greatly disputed. As you can see from the above image, this would mean that the circular feature on the Defiant's underside would be around 30 metres in diameter, which would make the entire ship some 170 metres long - good agreement with the TM's figure for the length of the Defiant.
The episode "The Sound of Her Voice" gave us even more confusion. The circular feature which above generates a tractor beam now became a shuttlecraft hangar door, from which emerged a Type 10 shuttle :
A Type 10 drops clear of Defiant.
Again according to the DS9 TM, the Type 10 shuttle is 9.64 metres in length. That makes this opening a good 15 or so metres across, which would make the overall length 85 metres or so. This is way off the 170 metres in the TM, which would require the shuttle to be at least Runabout-sized. of course since the DS9 TM is not canon, we could simply say that the Type 10 is Runabout-sized.
It is also questionable as to whether the shuttlebay can be reconciled with the tractor beam emitter above. Clearly the area looks nothing alike in the two images - the entire structure visible in "By Inferno's Light" has vanished. Since "The Sound of Her Voice" takes place almost two full years after "By Inferno's Light", the only reasonable assumption is that the ship underwent a major modification in the interval which installed a new hangar bay.
In "Shattered Mirror" we get a look at some engineering schematics for the Defiant. It looks more or less identical to the DS9 TM diagrams section and the MSD MSD display seen on the bridge. The TM picture helpfully shows people standing around in the ship, which enables us to scale it. Assuming a height of 1.8 metres is normal for a Human then as now, the Defiant's length comes to about 115 metres.
The Defiant's MSD
The MSD has very frequently appeared in episodes, albeit usually as a rather indistinct image in the background, so we could say that this length has a great deal of canonical support. But the canonicity of things like this is somewhat open to question - after all, we don't generally consider the various gags and in-jokes which appear on these displays (such as the Porsche and the giant duck which appear on the E-D's MSD) to be canon.
To summarise, then, sizes of much less than 100 metres are occasionally depicted, but this is really too small to be credible. Sizes in the 85 metre range are somewhat more sensible in this respect, and have canon support from "The Sound of Her Voice", but are really still not big enough.
Sizes in the 115 metre range would fit in well with 4 decks. It also works well with Martok's Bird of Prey, if that ship is indeed 109 metres long. Perhaps most importantly, it works well with the canon MSD. On the other hand this length is contradicted by "By Inferno's Light", and such a blatant scene might be considered to over-ride something like a computer display even if it is a frequently seen one. It's also out of line with the DS9 TM and "The Sound of Her Voice".
The 170 metre size has the benefit of being the "official" length in the DS9 TM, and works well with "By Inferno's Light", but it doesn't work with "The Sound of Her Voice" - unless we over-ride the DS9 TM length for the Type 10, and it seems hypocritical to use the manual to support one size and then disregard it again a moment later.
In the end I would say that there's really no way to know for sure what the "true" length is, but that the sensible choices are 115 metres or 170 metres. For the purposes of this site I decided to use 170 metres simply because I had already used much of the information in the DS9 TM.
Tractor Beams
We have seen that there is a tractor beam emitter on the ventral surface in this image from "By Inferno's Light" :
Defiant takes a runabout in tow.
This emitter and the structure which it stands on was apparently removed by the time of "The Sound of Her Voice", to be replaced by a hangar bay. We see another emitter on the dorsal surface in "For The Uniform" :
Defiant tractors a Cardassian freighter.
This emitter is in the centre of the hull, right near the stern of the ship - actually right about where the aft photon torpedo launcher is. This emitter is also used to tow a Jem'Hadar ship in "The Ship"; indeed, the tractor beam was apparently used to drag the crashed vessel out of a rock face and haul it up into orbit! This would be a pretty amazing sight which we unfortunately didn't get to see in the episode. We see another tractor emitter on the ventral surface in "The Way of the Warrior" :
Defiant uses a tractor beam on a Vor'Cha class attack cruiser.
This emitter is just about where the dorsal phaser bank is located. We also see a tractor beam being emitted from the nose section in "One Little Ship"; apparently both the nose and dorsal emitters are right next to a phaser bank.
So the Defiant was apparently built with four emitters, but this was later cut back to three.
I've never really liked the Defiant - even at 170 metres she's simply too small for the role she's supposed to fulfil. look at the phaser cannon - each one is a tiny fraction of the size of the Type 10 phaser arrays carried on a Galaxy class starship, yet Defiant is supposed to be a heavily armed ship. I'd far rather have seen something in the same size class as Voyager, with phaser cannon that were five or ten times the size relative to the length of the ship - I'm thinking of weapons like that huge cannon thing the Enterprise-D had in "All Good Things". I'd probably have made those disruptor cannon instead of phasers as well. I'd also have laid the warp core down horizontally and had two instead of one.
In a detailed examination of the ship it becomes clear just how unsure the writers have been of its capabilities. To some extent that is true of many Trek ships. The Enterprise-D is probably the most carefully thought out ship design in Trek history, with the possible exception of Voyager, but even the Galaxy class went through a few minor issues in its time concerning where phasers fired from or what holodecks did. But I can't think of a major ship design that has suddenly had an entire shuttlebay appear out of nothing, or which has used a single hull feature for at least three different things. Clearly the writers and the special effects people made up the Defiant's capabilities more or less as they went along, and this resulted in a good deal of confusion. I'd be prepared to bet that even by the high-pressure standards of television production there wasn't a great deal of time to think through the Defiant before she appeared on screen.
Additionally, at least part of the problem is probably related to the ship's role. Starships are by their nature large multi-role platforms - even the smaller ships such as the Constitution and Intrepid classes are at least as large as the largest of present day warships, much larger when you consider volume rather than length. there is plenty of room to include all kinds of extras and goodies, which the ship designers are only to happy to do. Defiant, on the other hand, was meant to be a 'stripped down' design which was only really capable of fighting. It's entirely possible that the designer deliberately chose not to include every bell and whistle on the ship with this in mind. When the writers then did decide to have the ship going on science missions and launching shuttles, the special effects people might have found themselves having to improvise as best they could.
Though I don't like the thinking behind the ship, I do have to admit that has a lot of screen presence. It has a businesslike, menacing look which suits its role perfectly, and it certainly did give Deep Space Nine a much needed shot in the arm. That alone makes this tough little ship a major success.
|Yellow text = Canon source
|Green text = Backstage source
|Cyan text = Novel
|White text = DITL speculation
|Copyright Graham Kennedy
|Page views : 45,518
|Last updated : 1 Jan 1970


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text:
The Republic of Ghana, located in West Africa, is rich with natural resources such as diamonds, oil, silver and mainly gold. Ghana has the second largest volume of gold production on the continent, which is a considerable contribution to the country's economy. According to the data of 2014, the African country produced about 40 tons of yellow metal, which is equivalent to $1,7 billion.
However, one must bear in mind that gold production is not a piece of cake. Oftentimes, gold mining is subject to certain risks and dangers. In this connection, the international non-governmental organization Human Rights Watch expressed the intention to collaborate with Ghana's authorities in order to bring into force the protocol on child protection.
According to the data collected and reported by the organization, in Ghana several thousands of minors between the age group of 15 to 17 work on gold mining. This situation contradicts the international laws and the laws of Ghana.
In fact, the element which is used for separating gold from other minerals is mercury. It can be harmful, especially for developing organisms. Thus, with joined hands, the government of Ghana and the human right organization will work on making gold production in Ghana more humane.
Share this piece of news in your social networks!
Category: Gold news Publication date: 2015-06-12 12:00
|Gold Fixing | Price History


text:
BlueThunder wrote:Glad to hear you're on the road to recovery Leif. Thanks for the update fargo. Some here are saying this is some excuse to hate the Packers and their fans... Really? This is just some drunk criminal asshole that happened to be wearing a Packer jersey. It's the same as the fan of some other team painting all Seahawks fans as jerks because some moron Seahawk fan threw a beer on him at Qwest. Every team has asshole fans. Just a fact of humanity. Anyways, looking forward to seeing you post again BFS! Take care buddy. Bill
Holy overly-literal interpretation and flat out missing the joke. Guess it's not an internet msg board, without someone taking innocent comments entirely out of context and getting all unnecessarily sanctimonious. lol.
Of course it's just one guy! Who the hell would say otherwise? (That is unless you're jumped by a gang of Raiders fans. Bit diff. ) Still wouldn't mean I wouldn't associate what happened with me with the clothes the guy was wearing at the time. If I were stabbed by a guy decked out in Ferrari gear, guess what? I'd probably forever remember this fact forever every time I see that logo. And I can end up hating Ferrari's without hating those who drive them. Does that mean we're talking entire fan bases and people? Hell no! Come on now.
Sorry to take away the focus of this "GET WELL LEIF" thread. Let's get it back on track. Dude, that scar is crazy man. Yikes! I take it's as gnarly as it is due to the docs having to open you up. But that doesn't make it any less scary. That is one serious beauty mark. One the bright side, if anyone on this board can pull it off and turn it into a chick magnet, it's you. If Dom or myself got something like that, it'd just scare them away. lol. Again my man, take care of yourself. Get better.


text:
One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I Call Her 'Poverty'
Temptation is her name. Dancing in the wind, shaking her maracas, flagrantly flaunting her... appendages. Oh woe is the man tortured by this evil seductress who dares to poke her head out of the burlap sack she was given at birth. Did she not get the "Vile Menstruating Woman" handbook upon exiting her mother's birth canal? We all got it! Mine is right here on the dresser. It sits in between the Q'uran and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. But damn these ties that bind! Literally, ties. When I tuck myself into bed at night and knot the knots of my wooly burka tightly around me, it's next to impossible to read the next chapter of the handbook. The bloody nubs that were once my fingers are tired from knotting, tired from praying, tired from trying to break free and tear holes through my itchy cage. Such is the life of a woman! Don't look at me, don't! I may cause you distress. Just a glimpse of my hair blowing in the breeze or a hint of my bare wrist in the sunlight and you could find yourself spontaneously bursting into flames. Turn away ye innocent menfolk! The stirring in your loins, the slow descent into madness... it's not worth it. Not worth it! Let's recap, shall we?
We continue our South Pacific tale on Rhode Island (Redemption Island). This tiny state without electricity or running water is dark, dank, and buzzing with insects. A lone civilian, sniffling and wiping away tears, makes her way through the thick of night. It's Hoops (Semhar) and the emotion of the moment is so powerful, so moving - she must, MUST, write a poem about this...
There once was a woman named Hoops
Words fell from her mouth like poop
They don't rhyme or make sense
Maya Angelou would be incensed!
I'd like to choke her with a noose called "Loop"
The poet laureate of Samoa, folks. Next stop, Nantucket!
Back in the peach infested city of Savannah (Savai'i), the weary travellers are returning from their first Tribal Council. They were not prepared for the brutality of it all. One man, however, is grateful. Our spindly law student, Cochran, adjusts his giant glasses and thanks his tribemates for having faith in the genie. Sure, they now intend to rub him all night, but it's a consequence he must endure. The hands and fingers carressing freckles in the moonlight - so unfamiliar, so primal. His innocence may be lost forever, but the fighter within trudges on. He'll push his insecurities and the whispers in the night from Nurse Jackie (Mark) back into the recesses of his mind. He came to play a game and a little nighttime mass molestation will not stand in his way. If he has to endure a little wiley monkey love from Ozzy, then so be it!
Speaking of Ozzy, he has an admirer in the Energizer Bunny (Keith). While in the background Cochran is being tossed back and forth like a rag doll between Whitney and Elyse, Ozzy and Energizer Bunny are busy planning for their next Immunity Challenge. They think Cochran might be good at puzzles, but, more importantly, Energizer Bunny is just happy that he's made a friend and a partnership with Ozzy. Ozzy knows the ins and outs of the game. He knows how to throw poo at onlookers, but he's also strong and a threat. It's a conundrum that Energizer Bunny is very well aware of. In the meantime he'll nurture his alliance with Ozzy, but he'll also watch him like a hawk. You can't be too careful with a poo flinger.
A new day dawns and over at Impala (Upolu), Coach and Edna are taking a midmorning "get to know ya" walk. They reminisce about that first day when the rest of the tribe abandoned him like a new infestation of the plague. Edna giggles charmingly and says she couldn't have left him to carry his bags all alone. Just a sidenote, a dragon slayer is a heavy packer. There are swords, armor, chess pieces, D&D handbooks, mint-in-the-box Battlestar Galactica figurines, chokers featuring a wide array of animal teeth, and scrunchies. Lots and lots of scrunchies. It's impossible for a man without a bellhop to carry all of that by himself. So what once seemed like a lost cause to Coach is now beginning to look up. He has a solid alliance (Sophie, Rancher Rick, Hitler's Nephew, Albert) and this Edna character seems nice enough. He tells her that he really wants to know if anyone has the Immunity Idol. Maybe Christine Jason Leigh has it. She was digging all day yesterday. They definitely need to keep their eye on that Christine Joel Osment and see if she seems overly confident or has a suspicious bulge in her bike shorts. The conversation ends with the these two fast friends making an alliance with one another. Edna promises to always be loyal and the Dragon Slayer promises to protect her from ogres and knights on black horses.
Back at Savannah, Cochran 2.0 is busy keeping his promise to his tribe. He'll do his chores before he's asked, he'll put his dishes in the dishwasher, and he swears he'll walk the dog before he settles in to play World Of Warcraft for the rest of the night. On the one hand his mother would be so proud, but on the other hand she'd clutch her pearls and cling to the banister in horror if she saw him whacking away at a coconut unsupervised. Before Cochran left for the South Pacific, while packing his ironed underthings with his name embroidered neatly inside, his mother made him promise - NO UNSUPERVISED MACHETE WIELDING! Listen mommy, new Cochran doesn't adhere to those rules of yours. Out of sight, out of mind, lady! You think playing with a machete is bad? Try spending the night sandwiched in between a soccer mom with unstable hormones and a queen from New York who likes it rough. Little Johnny is a man today, mom. He's tasted the forbidden fruit and there's no turning back. This genie/man is here to stay. Now, did you pack his inhaler or not because this humidity is brutal!
So while Cochran is busy offering up his juicy coconuts to the rest of the tribe, Ozzy grabs a spear and sneaks away into the jungle. Under the guise of fishing, he'll take a quick look-see for that pesky Idol and perhaps this time around he'll actually get to use it and save himself. Monkey Boy leaps effortlessly onto the trunk of a tree and using nothing but his toes, tail, and fingernails he climbs up to the canopy and surveys the scene looking for anything amiss. One tree in particular looks a little sneaky. With an untrustworthy tangle of branches at its base, Ozzy swings up on it with one arm and shimmies himself to the top. There, in a crevice between two branches sits a giant rock with a neon sign on it. It blinks furiously: THE IDOL IS HERE! THE IDOL IS HERE! And... bim, bam, boom - Ozzy has found the Hidden Immunity Idol.
After a brief celebration that curiously consisted of an Irish brogue, Ozzy stuffs the Idol down his shorts and flings himself from branch to branch looking for a new hiding spot for it. He spies a very similar hiding spot to the original in a neighboring tree and decides to stick it there. I thought this was a strange choice as a clue for the Idol still lurks and I would think it would allude to a location up high... in a tree... in between two branches. *shrugs shoulders* It'll be pretty funny if someone other than Ozzy finds it in the new spot. I'll hold onto the promise of that and hope for the best.
Back at Impala, a tender moment between two men is taking place. Coach and Hitler's Nephew are palling around talking about how they kept stealing the blanket from each other last night. Naughty boys and their pillow fights! Oh giggle, giggle. Young Brandon likes the Dragon Slayer. He sees something in him that he can look up to: wisdom, experience, honor, integrity, a deep-seeded fear and hatred of scantily clad women (maybe?). He could certainly go far with a man like Coach by his side to guide and inspire him. There's a slight problem though. As a God-fearing Christian (who calls his uncle Hitler and gets "puta" tattoed on his ankle), Brandon is wrestling with the fact that this man he so admires is the nemesis of his evil uncle, Lucifer. To keep his family name a secret would be hypocritcial, no? They've become such good friends over the course of the past 72 hours and clearly they have the same goals in life - burkas for everyone! (maybe?) - that it would be ungodlike not to just spill the hereditary beans.
With a machete in hand and a head full of bible misquotes, Brandon yanks Coach into the trees and says, "Wanna see something cool?" He lifts up his shirt to reveal a tattoo in a childlike scrawl - LIL HANTZ. He points to it and says, "It says LIL HANTZ." Why, thank you, Captain Obvious. Lil Hantz pulls his shirt back down over his shoulder and continues walking. Coach stands perplexed for a smidge and then runs to catch up with him. "Wait, that's not your last name is it?", he asks. Brandon nods and replies, "I'm Hitler's Nephew. Keep it on the DL." Coach quickly tucks his Star of David into his ponytail and laughs uncomfortably to himself. He pauses to take in the news as all the memories of Survivor yesteryear came flooding back in a flash. He had one of those "Man of God/Honor/Integrity" deals with Lucifer - not unlike the one he has right now with this punk kid - and he paid for it dearly. If this news was meant to comfort him, it didn't. It scared our Dragon Slayer.
Brandon assures Coach that he has nothing to worry about. He told him about the hideous tattoo on his shoulder because he trusted him. If it bites him in the ass later on down the road, then so be it. But, for now, he feels good about it. As a matter of fact, let's pray on it, shall we? Oh heavenly father, we thank you for this day. We thank you for bringing this shifty-eyed punk kid into my life who has no talent whatsoever in choosing which fonts to place on his body. Could he not have chosen a nice Helvetica or maybe even a simple Arial? In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Over at Savannah, Elyse is standing on the beach with her arms raised to the sky asking her Native American ancestors to make the fish jump out of the water and into her arms. I had no idea that this was how the Cherokee caught their fish. As I'm half Mexican and feeling a little peckish - Oh great ancestors from beyond, taco, stat! Hmm. It didn't work. I can't possibly understand why. Mary Jane (Jim) watches Elyse from the shore and knows that no matter how loud she yells or how grand she waves her arms, those fish aren't leaving the sea unless you go in after them so he calls down to the marina and reserves a fishing boat for that afternoon. A little boys day out fishing is in order right about now. Sure, Ozzy and Energizer Bunny were already paddling out on the boat, but Mary Jane is convinced that had he not made those reservations, this trip would be a no go. He's a 200 time poker champion I'll have you know and if there's one thing poker champions know how to do, it's organizing fishing trips.
What Ozzy and the Bunny don't realize is that this fishing trip isn't just an innocent boys outing. Oh no siree bob! It's all a giant ruse for the very complicated and intricate 3+2-6x254+18a squared plan. Don't try to understand it and don't even bother whipping out your calculators. The 3+2xpi divided by the radius of the coconut shell plan is too advanced for mere laymen to understand so just trust that Mary Jane knows what he's doing. He does own two medical marijuana dispensaries after all. All you need to know is that the '3' refers to Mary Jane, Ozzy, and Energizer Bunny. The '2' refers to Elyse and Whitney. Add that up and that makes 5. There are 5 golden rings. Shake up those rings and spill them out like, what? Right, Yahtzee. Yahtzee is played with dice. Poker is played with cards. Cards, a house of cards, house, garage, laundry room. Laundry, something that smells. Pot also smells and there you have it. 3+2=5 and that means a pot dealer will win the game. Duh. It's so easy I can't believe only an 18,000 time poker champion is the only one to come up with it.
So Mary Jane is convinced he has this game mapped out to the end. He pitches the 3+2 plan to the other boys (conveniently leaving out the rest of the plan that ends with a pot dealer winning) and Energizer Bunny nods and agrees. Now, what Mary Jane doesn't know is that Energizer Bunny and Ozzy already have an alliance that doesn't include Miss Mary Jane at all. That's ok though. He'll just let Mary Jane go on thinking he's the mastermind and the architect. If all goes according to Mary Jane's plan, Cochran, Dawn, and Nurse Jackie should be the next ones going home. I don't know. The best laid plans... they never ever ever work out, do they? If it can endly badly for Reese, it can end badly for anyone.
Over at Impala, I can't believe my eyes. Actually, men, blindfold yourselves please. Mikayla is walking on the beach in a tank top and I don't want any spontaneous "emissions" getting you boys in trouble. You see, Mikayla is one of those wicked temptresses I spoke about in my opening paragraph. She plays football in her panties, she likes to roughhouse with the boys, and, this harlot is brazenly walking around flashing her bare knees to the world like there's nothing wrong with it. I know, I know, I'm horrified. I feel your pain, men. Go ahead and plan your fatwas. Girls like that give us all a bad name. I am ululating in protest as we speak.
(painting by Phil Holt)
Unfortunately, young innocent Brandon with MUERTE DE LAS MUJERES tattooed on his stomach doesn't have any blindfolds to protect him. This Mikayla seductress traipses around the camp unsupervised without a care in the world. Brandon is a married man! He can't be around good looking fit women in public places. He could trip and fall and his penis could accidentally end up in her vagina! No, no, no, this isn't acceptable at all. This innocent young Christian boy who once slammed kids into their lockers just for fun shouldn't have to put up with these daily temptations. Temptation began all the way back with Eve in that garden she lived in. How did Adam handle it back then? Surely, he voted her out, right? So while clutching a peach colored fruit with ferocity and sucking the fibers and juices out of it, Brandon begins to plot Mikayla's exit from the game.
Meanwhile, Christine Fawcett Majors is hatching a plan of her own. Now, she's not sure if she's a target or not, but she'd feel a whole hell of a lot better if she had that Immunity Idol in her back pocket to use in case she needed it. Since no one else is bothering to look for the clue, she takes it upon herself to scour the beach. Like Spacey (Stacey) before her, she stumbles onto an odd looking tree with all sorts of nooks and crannies. I don't think it was the same tree Spacey had found last time (I do think Spacey had the Idol in her hand and then walked away from it), but this tree was almost as good as the other one. Right there, nestled in a crevice, with two bright green leaves acting as flags, sat the Hidden Immunity Idol Clue. Christine Dawn Chong opens the clue and it reads something like this: It's somewhere around here. Well, good luck with that Christine Louis Dreyfus.
And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! 4 members of each tribe have to dance around the maypole while the other 4 stay locked in a Brady Bunch prison. Once the ribbons are untangled, a key ring will be released. Using those keys, one tribe member will unlock the other 4 tribe members who will then work together moving very heavy crates back and forth across a platform until they can release the largest one. First tribe to get their large crate onto their finished platform wins Immunity and Reward. Want to know what you're playing for? Why it's a fetching collection of pillows and blankets! As Impala has one extra member they sit out that sprite Edna. On the pole for Savannah is Cochran, Dawn, Whitney, and Elyse. On the pole for Impala is Spacey, Sophie, Christine Lou Henner, and that whore Mikayla. Survivors ready, go!
Since nymphs and sluts are used to dancing around the maypole, Impala crush the bejesus out of Savannah. Cochran got tangled in the ribbons while Dawn fretted about her meatloaf. Meanwhile, Mikyala flung off her boy shorts and weaved her pantsless self around the pole like a nymph in heat. Brandon didn't know whether to cheer or repent. It was chaos I tell you, chaos!
With a ginormous lead, Spacey takes the key and unlocks those Brady kids. Brandon tries to push down his bobbing penis as the men then burst through the cage and go to work on the crates. Dawn eventually loosens the key for Savannah, but the kids are late for band practice and little Timmy can't find his shoes. She fiddles with the key like a, well, like a mom screaming for Calgon to take her away. And, why is she wearing a billowy full length skirt by the way? Have we not addressed her completely inappropriate attire that can easily become tangled in, umm, EVERYTHING! Eventually, this walking accident hands the keys off the Elyse and the rest of Savannah is free.
Both tribes are now working on the crates, but the '3' part of the 3+2 times the ratio of the amount of THC in sativa to the amount of THC in indica is much too powerful for the Impalas to withstand. In a complete blow out in which the Impalas lose their sizable lead and the Savannahs smoke them, so to speak.... SAVANNAH WINS IMMUNITY!!!
Back at Impala, the mood is bleak. Coach congratulates the women for kicking ass while Brandon carves DIE HORE into his arm. Christine Bonham Carter wishes that the men had been lighter on their feet and wonders who they're thinking about voting out. Coach's plan is to flush out the Idol if it's been found. His alliance will vote 3 for Spacey and 3 for Christine Jacob Astor. That remark Christine Saint Laurent made day one about Coach being "temporary" really bothers him (just like when Franchesspiecesca made the same mistake last season) and he'd like to see her go sooner rather than later.
Brandon, however, isn't convinced. He confesses to Coach that he has his doubts about that infidel Mikayla. He's faithful to his wife and he can't have that pantsless harlot running around showing her ears and shoulders to him. Any number of things could happen out there in the wild. She could fall head first off the top of a tree and land with her mouth wide open from screaming right into his penis! Or she could get her ankle caught up in a vine and go flying forward with her pinky finger erect and slam right into Brandon's awaiting rectum. The amount of accidental penetrations that could take place in this unforgiving landscape are too numerous to count. As a man of God, Brandon just can't take any chances. Coach nods and listens and says, "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.", but his inner monologue was more like, "This kid is nuts!"
Brandon then takes it upon himself to try and convince everyone to get rid of Mikayla. A public stoning would be ideal, but he'll settle for them writing her name down on a piece of parchment paper instead. Sophie is immediately suspicious and wonders that if he can get rid of Mikayla so easily, will he get rid of her next? Coach enters the conversation and tells them all that they need Mikayla for the next competition. It's too early to get rid of her now. Sophie agrees and says they can very easily get Mikayla to vote out Christine James Olmos tonight.
Speaking of Christine Knight Pulliam, she's watching out of the corner of her eye wondering what the hell the others could be talking about all gathered in a group like that. What do you think they're talking about Christine Higgins Clark? They're talking about you! Mikayla, with her boobs and her legs and her nose and her EVERYTHING!, pops out of the woods and joins the conversation. Coach, sensing some preejaculate from Brandon, asks Mikayla to please give them some privacy. Spacey then wanders up and the whole group disperses. Christine Marie Presley sees little Edna standing all by herself so she approaches and asks her who they were talking about. Edna fidgets with some twigs, tries to hide her eyes, and say, "Oh umm we were talking about Sophie." Christine Abdul Jabbar looks at her sideways and says, "No you weren't. Sophie was with you. You better get your story straight!" Edna frantically looks around herself for an escape route while trying to stop the red from creeping up to her cheeks. Man, she wasn't kidding when she said she couldn't lie. What Christine Pinkett Smith should have done was taken that opportunity to ask Edna everything under the sun. Edna is like when they drugged Alex on Nikita with that truth serum stuff. I'll bet she would've given the formula to that nether region numbing business she's trying to start if asked.
Brandon continues his anti-Mikayla bar tour and tells Christine Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Spacey that he's voting out Mikayla. Spacey was all like, "Hell yeah!" This whole Mikayla business could save her hide and she knows it. However, Christine Allen Poe is suspicious of Brandon. Voting Mikayla out right now makes zero sense and she can't make heads or tails of it. Why she and Spacey don't join forces and discuss how they're going to vote is a mystery to me. As we're about to see in Tribal Council, it's every man for themselves.
And now we arrive at Tribal Council. Coach is ready. His hair is brushed. His skin is oiled. He's heard a rumor on the wind that Chrstine Hartman Black and Spacey plan on voting out Mikayla and he's not too thrilled about it. He'll settle this puppy tonight. Tribal is where he thrives. It's a take no prisoners kind of season and I, for one, am thrilled. Bring it on Coach!
No dilly dallying. No muss, no fuss. Let's get right to it. Coach says immediately how he's heard that Christine Curtis Chapman and Spacey plan on voting out Mikayla. Flood gates, would you kindly open please? Thank you. "Oh no I didn't, you jive talkin' turkey!", "What the hell you talkin' about?", "I never said that.", "You betta gitcho mem'ry checked!" *smiles to self* Dimples and I both almost tinkled with excitement and it's awhn bitches!
Christine Cougar Mellencamp isn't nearly as thrilled as I am as she rolls her eyes and dreads being a part of the Coach Show. Spacey continues to deny that she ever said anything about Mikayla and demands to know where this information came from. Albert jumps in and says that it would be a breach of Coach's honor and integrity to reveal his sources. LOL I love that logic. Sounds like something I would say.
While this is all delightful and hysterical to me, one man sits knowing that God is looking down on him right at this very moment. He's a guilty man with a conscience as thin as the skin on an old lady's hand. As the sound of women bickering makes poor Brandon all hot and bothered, he raises his hand and confesses that he told the women to vote out Mikayla. He's probably one of those guys that thinks once you confess, all is forgiven. I don't care what he thinks. I just love that his conscience constantly raps on the inside of his skull and reminds him that one day he'll be judged for all of his wrongdoing.
Alright, let's get to the vote. By a narrow vote of 1-1-3-4 (sounds like a Mary Jane plan!), Christine Ann Moss is the second person voted out of Survivor South Pacific. So, what did you guys think? Will Coach forgive Brandon? Will Brandon "accidentally" plant his seed inside of Mikayla? Will Hoops write a poem about this? Comment it out bitches (feel free to share any Hoops poetry in the comments) and have a great day!
As cbs.com is refusing to update it's photo section in a timely manner, many of the pictures in today's blog were shamelessly stolen from the Survivor Seasons Facebook Group. Thank you kindly for your service to our country.
39 comments:
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2011 at 3:17 PM
I am actually going to list all my favorite parts because it makes me feel better okay.ReplyDelete
*"ozzypoo" photo
*"whatutalkinaboutwillis" ha ha
*Dawn fretting about her meatloaf. Made me chuckle pretty loud.
*Your whole opening paragraph was uber clever. I am in awe of your talent.
*Your poem
*Paragraph about Cochran 2.0 = hysterical
Now for some of my opinions....
Dawn does need to go sooner rather than later. During a challenge it is never OK to appear so relaxed. She is pathetic.
Christina and Stacey deserve to both be gone as well, they have no game at all. They didn't even try to strategize with anyone. Hey numbskull, if everyone is grouped together talking on a tribal council day, and you aren't included....THEY ARE PROBABLY TALKING ABOUT YOU!
It appeared during tribal that Coach was ticked when he found out that Lil Hantz was behind the Mikayla plan. But, you never know, with all the clever editing that goes on with this show. I hope that Coach will realize Hantz can't be trusted and get rid of him quickly. I can't stand watching Hantz....he's way scary weird.
Great post, like I have to tell you that though.
- Big RickSeptember 22, 2011 at 4:47 PM
Big Hoops says....ReplyDelete
There once was a lady from Nantucket,
Who's snatch was a big as a bucket,
She was fat as hell,
And her pussy doth smell,
But given a chance Lil Hantz would still fuck it.
Awesome post as always!ReplyDelete
Just wanna say that Albert (or whatever his name is, I keep forgetting as he is never onscreen) is by far my fav player thus far. First he jumped over the 10 foot wall by himself and hoisted Lil Creeper over, again by himself. Then he backs Coach in an actual legitimate argument with a good point. I don't think he will last long past the merge because he is too much of a threat, but thus far, I'm loving it.
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2011 at 5:40 PM
Truly hope C-->BS spares its fans (ok me) of any further poetry recitation... gag !ReplyDelete
And, love that Christine was voted off. Mighty mouth Stacy next please.
Is this redemption island going to be like Brendan (Christine) coming back in a couple of weeks? ::: shudder :::
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2011 at 6:22 PM
Thanks for taking the time to write these extremely entertaining pieces. So fun to read! Appreciation out.ReplyDelete
OK - Troll Jr. has to go!!!!! He makes the hair on the back of my neck rise. He seems to be blaming Mikayla for his really creepy obsession with her. Must be a hoot being married to this weirdo. I didn't like Russell, but I don't like him more!! Hysterical stuff, Lala, as usual.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2011 at 7:49 PM
Better than the episode and that episode did not suck.ReplyDelete
Fab-u-lous recap. pouring another slosh into my martini for you. clink!ReplyDelete
My own ability to write with wit is very, very limited--so I'll keep it to observations. First, I have to admit that Coach made some major redemption points with me at the last Tribal. Now that's a samurai that even I could live with. Next, I'm not pleased that both tribes seem to have majority-rule alliances--cuz it's very boring for me, the viewer, as the obvious people get picked off for the next several weeks. I'm wishing for one of those tribe switch-ups. (Remember Cook Islands, when members had a chance to mutiny to the other tribe?) ...But since both of the vets are safely ensconced in these alliances, I doubt they would do a mixup.
As much as I do adore monkeyboy, I think he's lucked out with a bit of a Mariano-tribe. Keith, poolboy from my neck of the woods, is not gonna turn on Ozzie. And Whitney and that dancer-cheerleader (who keeps making offensive fake Native American prayers--and no, your 'blood' doesn't give you that right)--well, those two girls will dutifully follow along behind Oz and Poolie. ...I don't think Oz wouldn't have received the same freebie votes/backing if he were on Impala--just as Boston Rob would not have had the same reception on the other tribe last season.
But I should really put strategy aside--as I think the days of really interesting strategy are over--and just enjoy the good interviews and the camplife scenes. I hope we will still get these once the redemption duels begin next week. Til then--cheers!! And let's hope Hantz' Mini-Me gets his due next week!
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2011 at 8:24 PM
There once was a young boy named Brandon,ReplyDelete
Who, in the past, just couldn't keep his pants on.
They made him repent,
Now all his time is spent
Preventing Mikayla from giving him a hard-on.
- Daniel K.September 22, 2011 at 8:42 PM
Haha awesome recap. As much as I dislike creepy nephew, I don't want him to go. He makes good TV and gives you plenty of ammunition. Your bits about Mikayla, Brandon and Brondon's creepyness were by far my favorite.ReplyDelete
Hell, it's so amusing watching christian hypocricy in action, they should make a TV show about it. 10 religious men, 10 attractive women, 10 sins and 1 tropical island, welcome to Temptation Island.
I hope this season's players continue to suck on your filthy filthy creativity nipples, I know Brandon will :)
Have a nice day Lolette
I meant to say last week: I couldn't decide what I was more excited by - the return of Survivor or the return of Colette!ReplyDelete
The first two recaps kicked ass even more than usual. I knew as I watched this episode feature Brandon's twisted, warped, tortured misogyny that Colette would have plenty to say - hard to pick my favorite line, but if I had to, it would be this:
"Back at Impala, the mood is bleak. Coach congratulates the women for kicking ass while Brandon carves DIE HORE into his arm."
Colette is The Awesome!!!
Christine wasn't a bad player - she was pretty savvy and strategic - but just too abrasive and overt for the tribe - exactly the kind who gets voted out early.
The casting this years seems INFINITELY better than the Rob-Pony-and-16-banal-idiots debacle from last year: lots of interesting, strong personalities - should be good to watch.
- DiabolicalSeptember 22, 2011 at 11:57 PM
Brandon and Mikalya sitting in a tree,ReplyDelete
First comes screaming, then comes arrest, then comes another prison tattoo on Brandon's chest.
Another great recap LaLa! I was thinking exactly the same things about Ozzie's choice of hiding places for the idol...it would be absolute gold if someone else finds it! *fingers crossed*
- AnonymousSeptember 23, 2011 at 12:54 AM
Who would've thought Hitler's nephew would do such a terrible job of redeeming his family name?! And in the very first episodes!! Poor kid is gonna catch some shit at home.ReplyDelete
But, like Lucifer, the kid is great TV. --He's trying so, so hard to behave like a respectable husband--and comes off as a complete PERV (without any effort at all!) This is why teenagers shouldn't marry, folks.
...Well, as long as I only have to see Brandon in only one season, I think I will enjoy it. (Did you hear me, CBS?)
Thanks for the big recaps, Lala. We really appreciate your talents--and always look forward to your masterful re-write of the episode!!
- AnonymousSeptember 23, 2011 at 1:26 AM
Good stuff. Lil Hantz may be just as memorable a character as Big Hantz. Couldnt be more delighted.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousSeptember 23, 2011 at 1:28 AM
I may be completely wrong here, but I thought that he calls her "Parvati", not "poverty" since she uses her body to enhance her game play, just as Parvati has been known to do on her seasons.ReplyDelete
I'm still confused where the Nurse Jackie nickname came from, but it's pretty funny. I don't know about anybody else, but I was actually really scared when Hantz showed Coach his tattoo, Coach then said, "I had a deal with your Uncle, (or whatever he is) and got screwed" and Brandon kind of lifted up the machete in a cutting motion getting aggravated. I don't know if it's an act, but this bible spewing, god fearing, women hating, obviously doesn't like to be confronted in any way at all... putting him on an island with strangers with a machete...? This could be the first "South Pacific Machete Massacre." Starring Bruce Willis as Coach. Maybe Johnny Depp as Ozzy. Then when they hugged... blade side out please! I was convinced Shelly was the creepiest Big Brother player ever since she was so obsessed with JJ winning until she flipped. I'm now thinking Hantz might be. His Uncle was on the show how many times? Has he never seen it? Did he not know women would be practically naked and showing their cooch by accident.. (as Mikayla did). If he's so insulted with strong scantily clad women then go to Survivor: Amish Country you fuck. His fake jesus shit will fit right in. I'm still not sure if I'm team coach or Ozzy, since both are playing the game pretty well in different ways. If Energizer Bunny knows Ozzy has played the game before and is so sneaky, why the hell doesn't he get people to vote him out? >.< Once again a vet comes into a game, forms an army, and will probably make it to the end. Great, it's only 3 times in a fucking row CBS. With Coach, he's having a tougher time, but I agree, he was brilliant at tribal council...until dumbass (Hantz) opened his mouth. Coach's expression was hilarious though. As for Hantz putting his seed inside Mikayla.... he'll probably end up shooting one out on a log, ask god for forgiveness, and Mikayla will end up sitting on that same log! Hey, it could happen. Survivor works in mysterious ways.ReplyDelete
As a retired cop, when I observe Brandon, I wonder if im seeing a Ted Bundy reincarnation.ReplyDelete
To answer a few questions:ReplyDelete
Mark is a RETIRED cop. He is now a nurse. Hence, Nutse Jackie.
Of course I know why Parvati is - AS I'VE BLOGGED HER LAST SEASON. When Hitler's Nephew says it, it sounds like "Poverty".
Before anyone asks, Energizer Bunny got his name because in his promo vid he said he had to get his pacemaker batteries changed every 9 years.
Lots of typos in that last comment but you get the gist of it.ReplyDelete
- charlotteSeptember 23, 2011 at 10:59 AM
love this blog more than the show itself!ReplyDelete
I get a little tickle in my tummy when I see that there has been a new post added. Thank you so much for the entertainment.
Hopefully, Lil Hantz won't be leaving too soon, as much as I cannot stand his ways, I cannot stop watching him. I don't understand where he lives, has he never seen a woman before? I hope that they will show his family/wife, so we can get a peek into his home life. BRING ON THE HANTZ!!!
I caught on to the Energizer Bunny this morning and thought how clever! I can't wait for Spacey to freak and to read your "discription" of it. It will be as entertaining as your take on hard-on boy.ReplyDelete
What did I miss here? I thought I would have read reference to it in your blog and since I didn't, I surely thought one of the bloggers would have mentioned it, but didn't Christine-name-name go out with an idol in her possession? Or did I imagine all that? If she did, why the hell didn't she use it surely when she saw all the tribe, minus herself, talking? Not too smart.
As an anesthesiologist, I think Edna got pricked with a truth serum needle or inhaled the fumes of nitrous oxide because she truly can't tell a lie. She won't last long for that very reason.
Okay,I'll wrap this up with my fav line: I too loved the meatloaf reference. So damn funny! You rock girl!
If I'd have gotten off my dead ass and participated in the Fantasy game, I would have picked Albert. I think he is going to go far ~ especially with the "loyalty first" freak that is Coach.
Oh, and my favorite blog goes to Daniel K. LOVE the idea of a christian hypocrisy reality show! LMAO!ReplyDelete
- yours truly-not a HantzSeptember 23, 2011 at 4:44 PM
Dear Lala, I wish you could be my bitch. Great blogging.ReplyDelete
I'm a little slow and so caught up in the recap I too missed your mention of Christine finding the idol or why she didn't bring it with her.
The Ozzie picks a new hiding place struck me the same as others. Whether it's found by another or not, it's surely inconvenient, unless of course he's already moved it back to camp.
I think I love you.
Awesome post as always. Your reviews crack me up and are one of the best things about following Survivor. At least after the actual episode ends. lolReplyDelete
- kandeekaneSeptember 24, 2011 at 12:44 AM
Just to clarify for a couple of you, Christine Marie Combs only found a clue not the actual idol. Lucifer's nephew is such a twisted, sick, deviant. I can only imagine what kind of woman would marry someone like that. I'm sure she is no better. Great blog as always.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousSeptember 24, 2011 at 2:32 AM
@QT & @YoursTruly...So, chrissie-name-name just had a clue--not the idol. (the clue basically said "it's somewhere.")ReplyDelete
I sure dislike hard-on boy, but I hope I remain this entertained by him for as long as he's around. I'm usually not so entertained by woman-hating assholes, so I'm quite baffled by how much I hope he stays on the show longer. ...Maybe it's that he goes beyond hatred--and to a deeper level: Fear. Yes, fear: that's it. That boy is afraid. ...So, am I imagining this--or is he *afraid* that Mykela is going to rape him??? Yes! Yes--OMG, he seems that afraid!! Wow.
Hey--did anyone notice the return of greatness?? Yes, the 'smuffer' (is that what that crazy quittin' lady called it?) and 'the tribe has spoken' lives again. (Redemption Island robbed us of this last season, as I recall.) woohoo! love the recaps! I want this to last forever!!
Ah thanks Lala, I must have missed him saying he was a nurse now. I think he acts more like Zoey though XDReplyDelete
@QK I think Christine only had a clue. Which pretty much said "The Idols in a tree." Doh...they're in a jungle lolReplyDelete
Thanks for clearing up the clue vs idol. I remember now that it was just a clue but somehow I had promoted it to the idol in my mind during the episode and then hung onto that thought. Thanks all for the correction.ReplyDelete
Well I don't think hard-on boy hates women or anyone really but you nailed it with fear. He's not afraid of women tho, he's afraid of himself. He is damn near paralyzingly afraid that he will not be able to keep his dick in his pants. Oh, Bitch, just the visual of him falling off a stump and sticking his penis accidentally into Makalia's unsuspecting vajayjay is one I want to get out of my head! Way too funny!!!!!!!!
- yours trulySeptember 24, 2011 at 10:53 AM
Thank you fellow readers for correcting my lapse of memory. I guess I was too aroused by the writing at the point I read about the clueless clue discovery. Christine might have missed an opportunity to appear generous and a real team player by shsring that worthless scroll on a leafy stick.ReplyDelete
I'm slightly crushed that this may have ruined the first impression on Lady Lala. So far, so good, as she hasn't ripped into me about inadequate blood flow to the upper head.
I eagerly await future recaps.
- AnonymousSeptember 24, 2011 at 1:19 PM
@Yours truly--Nah, Lala doesn't seem to rip into posters unless they're stupidity includes hatred-type-ignorance. I agree--Christine should've shared the clue. If you find a worthless clue, you might as well share it and appear to be a team player.ReplyDelete
These are really good recaps--I have great hopes for the rest of the season. I was worried they'd jumped the shark on the last season--but it's looking pretty good so far. So I'll be back next week. Thanks!!
- Brandon Hantz's tattooistSeptember 25, 2011 at 4:08 PM
My dear I feel I must defend young Brandon from your ignorant jibe regarding his font preference. I remember the day I tattooed "lil Hantz" very clearly and I am happy to set the record straight here. This is what happened -ReplyDelete
One day a stocky young fellow came into my humble tattoo studio/marijuana dispensary and adamantly declared his desire for a tattoo depicting the "vagina dentata". This is not an uncommon request from my clientèle, which consists predominantly of white, right-wing Christian fundamentalist types. As I consider myself to be an artiste I refused his request due to its lack of originality. I encouraged the young lad to instead get a tattoo displaying pride in his ancestry rather than a tattoo displaying his underlying views of the feminine. Between us we settled on "lil Hantz", which I wanted to tattoo across his forehead in 24 point Century Gothic but which he insisted be tattooed in "oh so tasteful" Helvetica on his left ass cheek. As I dislike giving a young, stupid client a tattoo that he will not regret later in life I gave the lad a quart of bourbon and inked him the way he appears now. Then, when he woke up, he looked at me and slurred "you sure have a purrty mouth", so I blew the rascal and off he scampered into the night...
...so try not to be too hard on young Brandon in your future recaps my dear. He actually requested Helvetica. I hope he makes the merge because I just know he'll get on great with Nurse Jackie.
Now, would you like a tattoo?
What font would you like?
Hmmm, let's have a drink first my lovely...
- AnonymousSeptember 25, 2011 at 11:31 PM
The only reason I am going to miss Christine Love Hewitt is for the lack of three names that you have given her. Can we start doing that for Mary Jane? There are TONS of slang terms for pot!ReplyDelete
Although I liked Cochran last week (always like to root for the underdog) because of his love of the game, he pissed me off this week. So he opened a coconut with a sharp instrument that was given to him--BFD.....I would have been much more impressed if he cracked it open with his bare hands.
Loved Big Rick's poem!!
Lala--As always, you rock Girl! I couldn't wait to see what you had to say about psycho Hitler's nephew. I assume that these contestants have to pass a psychological exam and backgound check, correct? How the hell did he sneak past the screening?
@ Brandon's tattooist: Very good! Loved it.ReplyDelete
Wonderful post Lala. This season is giving a lot of ammunition already! The Brandon-Mikayla bit is just fucking hilarious; I think you pinned it. He is so afraid of being unable to control his dick that he can't have ANY sort of temptation around. Good thing he didn't have to see Hoops with her titties practically falling out of her bra! The blasphemy!ReplyDelete
I'm not saying Cochran will win (I doubt it), but I'm still rooting for him. He's *soooo* awkward- kind of like a foal; all gangly with no control over his limbs and faltering all over the place.
- AnonymousSeptember 27, 2011 at 8:45 AM
Brandon assumes that Mikayla is all a flutter interested ... ick !ReplyDelete
- AnonymousSeptember 27, 2011 at 9:46 AM
There once was a family named HantzReplyDelete
Who went camping with girls without pants
Young hotties they would find
to hump and to grind
because back home they would not have the chance.
- kandeekaneSeptember 27, 2011 at 11:39 PM
I think CBS gets referrals from Shrinks for the craziest loon ball they can find. They have to pass a psych test all right but its to see how crazy you are and if you'll fit the part they are trying to cast for. They have done it with both Survivor and BB. They have had some real nut jobs on both of those shows. They would be boring without them. Who wants a bunch of nice, straight laced Ozzies sitting around. One is fine but if you don't throw a NaOnka or a Philip Shepherd into the mix then it's just plain ole BORING and Lala doesn't have anything to blog about.ReplyDelete


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Beaumont Enterprise
Cardinals basketball to play 16 home games
Beaumont Enterprise
Lamar's Kevin Booze, No. 2, passes to an open teammate during Monday's game against Stephen F. Austin. The Lamar Cardinals hosted the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks at the Montagne Center on Monday night. Photo taken Monday 1/26/15 Jake ...
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LU Men's Hoops Releases 2015-16 Schedule
BEAUMONT, Texas – Lamar University has released its 2015-16 basketball schedule announced head coach Tic Price Tuesday morning. The Cardinals upcoming slate consists 16 home dates – including seven non-conference games – and is highlighted by ...
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Basketball Cardinals to visit Fresno, Va. Tech
The Port Arthur News
BEAUMONT — Lamar has released its 2015-16 men's basketball schedule announced head coach Tic Price Tuesday morning. The Cardinals upcoming slate consists of 16 home dates —including seven non-conference games — and is highlighted by trips ...
and more »
Basketball Cardinals to visit Fresno, Va. Tech
The Port Arthur News
BEAUMONT — Lamar has released its 2015-16 men's basketball schedule announced head coach Tic Price Tuesday morning. The Cardinals upcoming slate consists of 16 home dates —including seven non-conference games — and is highlighted by trips ...
and more »
KBTV Fox 4 Beaumont
LU women's basketball team releases 2015-2016 schedule
KBTV Fox 4 Beaumont
"I think we have a very good non-conference schedule," said LU coach Robin Harmony, who enters her third year with the Cardinals. "We are going to play some very good teams. Those games will get us ready for our Southland Conference schedule."
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The Jack Ridl Visiting Writers Series of Hope College will feature Joy Harjo and Danielle Cadena Deulen on Thursday, Nov. 15, at 7 p.m. at the Knickerbocker Theatre in downtown Holland.
The public is welcome. Admission is free.
Joy Harjo was born in Tulsa, Okla., and is a member of the Mvskoke (Creek) Nation. Her seven books of poetry include "She Had Some Horses," "The Woman Who Fell From the Sky," and "How We Became Human, New and Selected Poems." Her poetry has garnered many awards, including a Lila Wallace-Reader's Digest Award; the New Mexico Governor's Award for Excellence in the Arts; the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Native Writers Circle of the Americas; and the William Carlos Williams Award from the Poetry Society of America. She has released three award-winning CDs of original music and performances: "Letter from the End of the Twentieth Century," "Native Joy for Real" and "She Had Some Horses." A song from her forthcoming CD, "Winding Through the Milky Way," just won a New Mexico Music Award. She has received the Eagle Spirit Achievement Award for overall contributions in the arts from the American Indian Film Festival, and a U.S. Artists Fellowship for 2009. She co-wrote the signature film of the National Museum of the American Indian, "A Thousand Roads." She is a founding board member of the Native Arts and Cultures Foundation. Harjo writes a column, "Comings and Goings," for her tribal newspaper, the "Muscogee Nation News." She lives in Honolulu, Hawaii, and Albuquerque, N.M.
Danielle Cadena Deulen is a poet and essayist. Her collection of poems, "Lovely Asunder," won the Miller Williams Arkansas Poetry Prize and was published with the University of Arkansas Press in 2011. Her memoir, "The Riots," published with University of Georgia Press in 2011, won the 2010 AWP Prize in Creative Nonfiction, was a finalist for the 2011 Grub Street National Book Prize in Nonfiction, and won the 2012 GLCA New Writers Award. Formerly, she was a Jay C. and Ruth Halls Poetry Fellow at the Wisconsin Institute for Creative Writing at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Her poetry and essays have appeared in journals such as "The Utne Reader," "The Missouri Review," "The Iowa Review," "Smartish Pace" and "The Indiana Review." She received her MFA in creative writing from George Mason University and her Ph.D. in English from the University of Utah. She currently lives in Ohio, where she is an assistant professor of poetry in the graduate creative writing program at the University of Cincinnati.
Additional information is available online at hope.edu/vws.
The Knickerbocker Theatre is located at 86 E. Eighth St.


text:
Plutora Test Environment Manager arrives this month as a cloud-based test environment application. The firm claims to be the only cloud SaaS provider on the market that brings together Enterprise Release Management and Enterprise Environment Management in single comprehensive SaaS solution.
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