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Archive for 'Marriage in the News'
Is Marriage Overrated? Not for Children
Recent headlines would have people believe that marriage is no better than cohabitation. Not so, says a leading researcher. Children are much better off with married parents because their relationship is more stable.
Maine Bishop Issues Letter on Greatness of Marriage
In Maine, a same-sex marriage referendum will be on the ballot in November. A similar referendum was defeated in 2009. The state's bishop has said that more education is needed about the meaning of marriage and has written a pastoral letter.
Same-Sex Marriage Headed for State Ballots and Supreme Court
Activity in the states around same-sex marriage is heating up. Read what's happening from California and Washington to New Jersey and Maryland.
Young Adults Remain Optimistic About Their Future
A new report finds that, despite economic challenges, young adults ages 18 to 34 are happy with their lives. They agree with older generations that family comes first and career second. Being a good parent and having a successful marriage are important life goals for this cohort.
Why "Date Nights" Matter
Many married couples look forward to their date nights and agree that time by themselves helps their marriage. A new report identifies five benefits of date nights. It says that couples who enjoy high-quality time together can head off divorce.
This Lent, Try a Little Silence
Can silence be "an essential part of communication?" It seems contradictory, but Pope Benedict points out that, among other benefits, silence can enhance what we say to each other.
What Happens to Commitment When the Going Gets Rough?
It's easy to be committed to a marriage when it's meeting your needs. But what happens when you're not getting what you want out of a relationship? Researchers discover a "second dimension" of commitment that can keep the marriage afloat.
Australian Bishops Urge Couples Towards "Smart Loving"
The Australian Catholic Bishops' Conference encourages married couples to use Valentine's Day as an opportunity to affirm marriage and life-long romantic love. They urge couples to practice "smart loving," that is, knowing the way one's spouse likes and needs to be loved.
Marital Love Needs to be Other-Focused
Many church leaders believe that individualism runs against the grain of marriage. One problem, they say, is that it fosters a focus on oneself. While spouses need to grow as individuals and as a couple, the hope is that they will grow with and through each other.
Want to Spend Time Together? Try Working on Your Budget.
For most couples, preparing the family budget is a chore. One financial writer suggests another perspective: It's a good way for husband and wife to spend some quality time alone with each other.
Finding Happiness as Married Parents
Do you want to be happy as a couple and as parents? A new report finds that wedded bliss is often found by embracing an "ethic of generosity." Generosity expressed through small actions appears to boost men's and women's chances of successfully combining marriage and parenthood.
Several Factors Contribute to Declining Marriage Rate
New research finds that the U.S. marriage rate continues to decline, dropping by five percent from 2009 to 2010. What's behind these startling statistics?
What Does a 2011 Father Do?
Thirty years ago it was rare to see a stay-at-home Dad. These days it's a common feature of marriage and parenthood. Even the experts don't know where trends are heading, but we do know that fathers are more involved than ever in child care.
Taking Work Home in an Unpleasant Way
Do you assume that a supervisor's influence is limited to the workplace? A new study finds that abusive supervision can cause the employee to take stress home, creating tension and conflict within the family.
Pope Benedict: Equal Dignity of Wives and Husbands
In a recent document, Pope Benedict urges Catholics in Africa to recognize and appreciate the contributions of women to family life and to the life of the Church.
Parents Have Big Influence on Teens' Online Behavior
A new study from the Pew Research Center finds that many parents are successfully influencing their teens' online behavior. In addition, many teens understand the dangers of acting naively on recklessly when online.
Change in British Law Will Allow Monarchs to Marry Catholics
England will soon change a law that has stood since the 16th century. How does this relate to marriage? The change in the law will allow members of the British royal family to marry Catholics.
A Second Chance for Divorcing Couples
A new research report says that many divorces are preventable, and children and society could benefit if these couples had a second chance.
How Materialism Harms a Marriage
A new research study finds that a couple's attitudes towards money, not always money itself, can stress a marriage. Read how materialism can hurt a marriage and who is most at risk.
Bishops Address Threats to Religious Liberty
Threats to religious liberty in the United States are mounting, say the nation's Catholic Bishops. Examples include mandated coverage of contraception and sterilization in insurance plans, conscience protection for charitable workers, and efforts to redefine marriage.
How Couples Recover From the Day's Stresses
Balancing home and work is a major issue for most couples.But how they manage their work within the home can have long-term effects on each spouse's health.
How Stress Can Help a Marriage
New research finds that stress in a marriage may not be all bad. A couple who successfully handles moderate stresses early in a marriage can be better prepared for major stresses later on.
Archbishop Dolan Asks President Obama to Defend Marriage
The president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, Archbishop Timothy Dolan, is asking President Obama to end the administration's campaign against the federal law that defines marriage as the union of a man and woman.
Pope Asks Priests and Married Couples to Support Each Other
The vocations of married couples and priests are different, yet complementary and harmonious, Pope Benedict XVI said Sept. 11 in a speech in the Adriatic port city of Ancona, Italy. He encouraged priests and married couples to esteem "each other's charism."
Archbishop Dolan Asks Bishops to Speak Out on the Economic Crisis
Archbishop Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, has challenged his fellow bishops to preach, educate, and advocate for the poor and the jobless. His call was prompted by a new Census Bureau report that shows significant increases in the poverty rate.


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Salam.i.wanted.to.knw if sunni shia marraige.is allowed.on.islam.or.not if a guy.is.shia and girl.is sunni.... they guys family has.performed umrah.and.haj and they.recite quran.too... please also.gve references about my answer too.
asked Mar 02 '13 at 10:54 fkhawaja 10●1●1
no.one.should.compare Allah.and.prophet(pbuh) with humans...now adays.every scholar praises.their.own sect.... u.all.need.reality.check....who.r we to declare.someone.a muslim or.non.muslim.... plus Al azar.uni.of.jordan.passed a declaration.in.whch even.sunni.scholars.signed.tht not.all.shias r.nonmuslims.... its.due to.ppl.like.u.all who r breakin muslims unity.
(Mar 04 '13 at 04:29) fkhawaja
what a contradictory statements you are making here..Its is obvious now that you were not asking a question or Islamic knowledge but just spreading your own one And about your mentioned declaration we all know and follow it but my question is that focus on the words "not all shia" means that their are some things obligations which should be fulfilled to make them Muslim...and how you will judge and ask them whether they from wrong ones or right ones if you can then their is no objection I am sincerely writing here not fighting with you and i welcome your comments but be wise ...continued...
(Mar 04 '13 at 05:27) Ali Bhai
and do not follow the voice & openions of NAFS and shaitan
(Mar 04 '13 at 05:28) Ali Bhai
i.still.m.not fully satisfied with.the.statements.u.gave.... Allah.is.wiser and.he.will.guide us better
(Mar 04 '13 at 05:31) fkhawaja
I have not read the conversation between you and @Ali Bhai, but i want to tell you that Allah (S.W.T) has already provided guidance and the deen of Allah (S.W.T) has been completed on Holy Prophet (S.A.W) and we all have tried our best to give you the exact answer but its only you who are turning your face. This marriage has no basis if the Shia boy has bad opinions about Sahaba Karam Alehis Salam.
(Mar 04 '13 at 05:53) believer ♦
Make a simple test:
There are 5 conditions for a person to be counted as Muslim. These are, 1- recognizing that Allah is one and Muhammed is a prophet and believe in angels, 2- namaz (sa'laat, duaa), 3-zakat, 4-hajj, 5- fasting.
Ask your friend from Shia belief: is he against any of these 5 conditions? That will answer you about whether he is Muslim or not. Forget these Sunni extremists, they just talk political.
(Mar 08 '13 at 03:01) pargali
showing 5 of 6 show all
this is wht i was tryin to say .....tht ur no one to declare someone a muslim and non muslim....there maybe some shias even sunnis who wud b doing and saying so rong abt islam or the followers but that doesnt mean that u have the right to declare their entire community NON muslim....nowadays everyone believes on mouthy words....even the MUALANAs....many times when i haf argued this with the scholars all they say in the end is that i being a girl should not go in the depth and jus keep this thing in mind tht sunni shia marraige is forbidden...this is totallly rong u r no one to give ur judgement... WHen shia ppl are allowed in MAKKAH district and to perform PILGRIM they are surely counted as muslims too.
I am not declaring the whole community to be disbelievers, I have repeatedly said in my comment that the shia boy should not have any wrong opinions or sayings about Sahaba Karem Alehisalam because if he has then he is out of religion. And @pargali let me prove you from Qur'an why I have called them disbelievers if one claims to be a Muslim but he/she is against the Sahaba Karem Alehisalam, Holy Qur'an says,
If you help him (Muhammad SAW) not (it does not matter), for Allah did indeed help him when the disbelievers drove him out, the second of two, when they (Muhammad SAW and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (SAW) said to his companion (Abu Bakr): "Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us." Then Allah sent down His Sakinah (calmness, tranquillity, peace, etc.) upon him, and strengthened him with forces (angels) which you saw not, and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowermost, while it was the Word of Allah that became the uppermost, and Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise. [Holy Qur'an 9:40]
So, if someone has said anything bad about Abu bakr (R.A) then he is going againt Holy Qur'an because Holy Qur'an is evident on the companionship of Hazrat Abu Bakr (R.A). And whoever goes against Holy Qur'an he/she is out of deen and a Kafir. Don't you have mind to think or you really don't want to think?
I am getting an idea that no matter what the girl wants to marry the boy so she may, but as she has asked the question I have responded but I really don't care if she will marry him or not, she will be accountable on the day of judgement.
@pargali now tell me (Nauzubillah) if its a bullshit, because its the Holy Qur'an providing evidence for the companionship of Hazrat Abu Kabr (R.A) not me.
now you prove me can a Muslim marry a person who is against Holy Qur'an and claiming to be Muslim? Now don't give me the example of People of the Book because they are People of the Book not someone who claims to be a Muslim and goes against the teachings of Islam.
answered Mar 05 '13 at 03:18 believer ♦ 1.2k●1●6
at believer
You have taken the scripture of Quran and changed it according to your liking. There is NOWHERE in Quran that speaks the name of Ebu Bekir.
The real version of the verse you have posted is this (from different translators):
Sahih International
If you do not aid the Prophet - Allah has already aided him when those who disbelieved had driven him out [of Makkah] as one of two, when they were in the cave and he said to his companion, "Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us." And Allah sent down his tranquillity upon him and supported him with angels you did not see and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowest, while the word of Allah - that is the highest. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.
Muhsin Khan
If you help him (Muhammad SAW) not (it does not matter), for Allah did indeed help him when the disbelievers drove him out, the second of two, when they (Muhammad SAW and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (SAW) said to his companion (Abu Bakr): "Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us." Then Allah sent down His Sakinah (calmness, tranquillity, peace, etc.) upon him, and strengthened him with forces (angels) which you saw not, and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowermost, while it was the Word of Allah that became the uppermost, and Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.
If ye help him not, still Allah helped him when those who disbelieve drove him forth, the second of two; when they two were in the cave, when he said unto his comrade: Grieve not. Lo! Allah is with us. Then Allah caused His peace of reassurance to descend upon him and supported him with hosts ye cannot see, and made the word of those who disbelieved the nethermost, while Allah's Word it was that became the uppermost. Allah is Mighty, Wise.
Yusuf Ali
If ye help not (your leader), (it is no matter): for Allah did indeed help him, when the Unbelievers drove him out: he had no more than one companion; they two were in the cave, and he said to his companion, "Have no fear, for Allah is with us": then Allah sent down His peace upon him, and strengthened him with forces which ye saw not, and humbled to the depths the word of the Unbelievers. But the word of Allah is exalted to the heights: for Allah is Exalted in might, Wise.
If you will not aid him, Allah certainly aided him when those who disbelieved expelled him, he being the second of the two, when they were both in the cave, when he said to his companion: Grieve not, surely Allah is with us. So Allah sent down His tranquillity upon him and strengthened him with hosts which you did not see, and made lowest the word of those who disbelieved; and the word of Allah, that is the highest; and Allah is Mighty, Wise.
Dr. Ghali
In case ever you do not vindicate him, (The prophet) yet Allah readily vindicated him, as the ones who disbelieved drove him out the second of two, as the two were in the cavern, as he said to his companion, "Grieve not; surely Allah is with us. "Then Allah sent down His serenity on him and aided him with hosts you did not see; and He made the word of the ones who disbelieved the basest; and the Word of Allah is that (which) is The Uppermost; and Allah is Ever-Mighty, Ever-Wise..
Do you see Ebu Bekir? I don't. Open the original Arabic of Quran. You won't see Ebu Bekir there as well. The braclets "(...)" in the different meal of Quran are added later as explanations of the person who translates. You have inserted into your interpretation to the verse that has no translation in the original of the Quran. From what did you translate Ebu Bekir?
Anyway.. it doesn't say so in the Quran that the friend of Muhammed is Ebu Bekir but we know it historically. Not from Quran. So again, once you are trying to defend me with hadith whereas I defend with surah. The braclets in the surah are hadith, not from Quran itself.
My own opinion (my opinion is not religion) is that yes, probably it talks about Ebu Bekir there. But look at that scripture. It talks about the exile of the two friends from MEKKA. Not from Shias or something stupid like that.They are attacked by MEKKAN HEATHENS, not "Muslims who say they are Muslim". Shia people didnt even exist at the life of Ebu Bekir. It is totally irrelevant to your point here.
One of the first rules of Islam is to love Ahl al-Bayt.
"And stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display, like that of the former Times of Ignorance; and establish regular Prayer, and give regular Charity; and obey Allah and His Messenger. And Allah only wishes to remove all abomination from you, ye members of the Family, and to make you pure and spotless. (Surah Al Ahzaab 33:33) "
"It is that of which Allah gives good tidings to His servants who believe and do righteous deeds. Say, [O Muhammad], "I do not ask you for this message any payment [but] only good will through kinship." And whoever commits a good deed - We will increase for him good therein. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Appreciative." 42:23
"Then whoever argues with you about it after [this] knowledge has come to you - say, "Come, let us call our sons and your sons, our women and your women, ourselves and yourselves, then supplicate earnestly [together] and invoke the curse of Allah upon the liars [among us]."" 3:61
Who are the Ahl al-Bayt? Here:
"In Sunni Islam, Muhammad's household refers to Muhammad himself, his wives and daughters, including Fatimah, his cousin and son-in-law Ali, and their two children, Hasan ibn Ali and Husayn ibn Ali. Other Sunnis include all Muhammad's descendants and sometimes the descendants of his paternal uncles, Abu Talib and al-'Abbas.[1] In Sunni and Shia thought, every Muslim has the obligation to love the Ahl al-Bayt." Source: Encyclopedia of Islam http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ahl_al-Bayt
So as you can see in Quran it is forbidden to hate the household of Muhammed. Ebu Bekir is not from the house of Muhammed. So when you hate people who love the house of Muhammed, because they idolise a member of Muhammed's household, and claim that they hate Ebu Bekir (even though they dont), you are doing a very big sin. Why is this a very big sin? Because you are seperating people within the religion of Islam and that is one of the gravest sins, as described in these verses:
**Indeed, those who have divided their religion and become sects - you, [O Muhammad], are not [associated] with them in anything. Their affair is only [left] to Allah ; then He will inform them about what they used to do. 6:59
Indeed this, your religion, is one religion, and I am your Lord, so worship Me. And [yet] they divided their affair among themselves, [but] all to Us will return. 21:92-93
And indeed this, your religion, is one religion, and I am your Lord, so fear Me. But the people divided their religion among them into sects - each faction, in what it has, rejoicing. Mu'minun 52-53
[Adhere to it], turning in repentance to Him, and fear Him and establish prayer and do not be of those who associate others with Allah [Or] of those who have divided their religion and become sects, every faction rejoicing in what it has. Rum 31-32
Indeed, the religion in the sight of Allah is Islam. And those who were given the Scripture did not differ except after knowledge had come to them - out of jealous animosity between themselves. And whoever disbelieves in the verses of Allah , then indeed, Allah is swift in [taking] account. Ali Imran 19**
Shia people are as Muslim as Sunni. Forbidding marriage between these two is declaring yourself as a god. Because only Allah says who is Muslim and who is not, and in Quran it doesn't say that people who love Ahl al-Bayt are non-Muslims, on the contrary, it says that you have to love Ahl al-Bayt.
You cant declare someone heathen because they dont like Ebu Bekir because the name of Ebu Bekir is not mentioned in Quran. We guess that at certain parts Quran means Ebu Bakir, from history, but in none of those parts it declares the people heathen just because they didn't like him.
If you would fight against Ebu Bakir, you would be a bad person. But Shia people did not even exist during the time of Ebu Bakir, let alone fight with him.
Sunni people are not the mainstream in Islam. Islam is not in the iron grip of Sunnis. Sunni and Shia are both sects, as it was forbidden in the Quran. Everytime they seperate themselves from each other, they are commiting sin. Thats why it would be a sin to not marry someone from the other sect simply because you declared him a heathen, according to some fools who think they know who is Muslim and who is now.
answered Mar 08 '13 at 02:49 pargali 63●4
Now check again the translation of Muhsin Khan, which you have also quoted,
If you help him (Muhammad SAW) not (it does not matter), for Allah did indeed help him when the disbelievers drove him out, the second of two, when they (Muhammad SAW and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (SAW) said to his companion (Abu Bakr): "Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us." Then Allah sent down His Sakinah (calmness, tranquillity, peace, etc.) upon him, and strengthened him with forces (angels) which you saw not, and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowermost, while it was the Word of Allah that became the uppermost, and Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.
You can clearly see the word "Companion/comrade" in all the translation which you have also quoted, check again if you haven't. The translator has not added the name of Abu Bakr (R.A) without any reason. This verse was revealed regarding the night our Holy Prophet (S.A.W) and Abu Bakr (R.A) spent in the cave. If you have a mind which can think you can clearly see
Sahih International
"Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us."
Muhsin Khan
"Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us."
Grieve not. Lo! Allah is with us.
Yusuf Ali
"Have no fear, for Allah is with us"
Grieve not, surely Allah is with us.
Dr. Ghali
"Grieve not; surely Allah is with us. "
"Us" means more then one person, and our Holy Prophet (S.A.W) said this to Abu Bakr (R.A) that Allah is with us. If Hazrat Abu Bakr (R.A) was not the true companion of Holy Prophet (S.A.W) so our Holy Prophet (S.A.W) would never have used the word "us" but rather "me" that "Grieve not; surely Allah is with me but he (S.A.W) said "us", thus Holy Qur'an itself declares the companionship of Hazrat Abu Bakr (R.A). If you haven't read the life of our Holy Prophet (S.A.W) then read it now.
Now I show you another example and the importance of using the word "us" from the Holy Qur'an, which you can not deny. It is from the story of Moses (PBUH)
Holy Qur'an describes, when the impatient children of Israel saw the army of Pharoh coming they say,
Sahih International
And when the two companies saw one another, the companions of Moses said, "Indeed, we are to be overtaken!" [Moses] said, "No! Indeed, with me is my Lord; He will guide me." [Holy Qur'an 26:61-62]
Muhsin Khan
And when the two hosts saw each other, the companions of Musa (Moses) said: "We are sure to be overtaken." [Musa (Moses)] said: "Nay, verily! With me is my Lord, He will guide me." [Holy Qur'an 26:61-62]
And when the two hosts saw each other, those with Moses said: Lo! we are indeed caught. [Moses] He said: Nay, verily! for lo! my Lord is with me. He will guide me." [Holy Qur'an 26:61-62]
Yusuf Ali
And when the two bodies saw each other, the people of Moses said: "We are sure to be overtaken." (Moses) said: "By no means! my Lord is with me! Soon will He guide me!" [Holy Qur'an 26:61-62]
In short when Children of Israel were in the situation of life and death. Moses (PBUH) said "Indeed, with me is my Lord". But when our Holy Prophet (S.A.W) and Abu Bakr (R.A) were in the cave he (S.A.W) said "Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us.".
Holy Qur'an has provided the evidence itself, so it would be better if you stop being copy cat for verses of Holy Qur'an and try to learn what Holy Qur'an says.
And as you have said yourself about the purest Household of our Holy Prophet (S.A.W) including the wives and daughters of Holy Prophet (S.A.W), do you really know what the Shi'ahs say about Hazrat Aishah Siddiqah (R.A), have you studied that or not? Do you know what bad wordings they use regarding Hazrat Aishah (R.A)? because if you haven't then research it on internet because I can not even quote it. So tell me who is doing a gravest sin? Who is abusing Ahl al-Bayt ?
Now you said that my point is invalid and because Shia people didnt even exist at the life of Ebu Bekir.
Answer: First your statement is so illogical, because you don't have to involve Shias in it. And I know they were not present at that time and so they can not even deny the companionship of Hazrat Abu Bakr (R.A).
And all the verses which you have quoted are not even connected to this topic, who quoted the verses regarding Household of Prophet (S.A.W) and the Islam is one and I don't have a doubt. I respect Ahl al-Bayt and Islam is one and Islam tells about the companionship of Hazrat Abu Bakar (R.A), Umar (R.A), Uthman (R.A) and Ali (R.A) so one can not deny their companionship.
answered Mar 08 '13 at 05:52 believer ♦ 1.2k●1●6


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Rossini - Il Turco in Italia (2007)
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Jan 27, 2009
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Wednesday, April 23, 2014
By Ken Allen
Many years ago, when Long Pond in the Belgrade Lakes ranked as one of Maine's best three waters for catching big landlocked salmon, I was driving over the bridge upstream of Wings Mills Dam on Belgrade Stream below Long Pond and spotted Steve Duren, intently fishing off the dam.
This man grew up fly-fishing New York's classic Catskill trout streams, and this Maine angling spot had him looking like a wound-up steel spring. If I were mean enough to sneak up and poke his ribs, he'd take off like a Saturn rocket. He was fly-fishing with that much concentration, arousing my curiosity.
Were landlocks lying in the current coming from the dam?
After parking, I hiked down to Duren, and he started talking before I got to him. He told me that dead-drifted caddis emergers were fooling white perch if he tightened the line so the nymph rose to the surface like the natural caddis. The perch would porpoise and sip the fly delicately, and he had thrown six or seven on the board planks of the ancient dam.
Duren was talking fast, too, and explaining the perch were as much fun as brook trout and brown trout. And that night, he and his family would have a free fish fry with perch fillets.
That's the beauty of white perch. The white, flaky meat offers a delicious main dish as good as haddock, and no one needs to feel guilty about killing them. Thinning them out in ponds and lakes helps them grow larger; otherwise, schools of stunted fish too small to fillet can fill a pond.
Even better, folks can catch these perch on worms or live baitfish, and Waldo friend Tom Seymour does gangbusters with this perch, casting Trout Magnets with ultra-light spinning rods. White perch slam this lure, which is nothing more than one of those rubber bass jigs in a smaller size. (Readers can find Trout Magnets on the Net).
Swedish Pimples, small Mooselook Wobblers and similar choices in small sizes also attract white perch. In fact, in small sizes, it would be difficult to find something this perch wouldn't bite, and in my youth I once caught them on a corn kernel or a single baked bean.
White perch (Morone americana) can be anything to anyone, a cooperative species and a "perch" in name only. It's really a bass similar in looks to a white bass, also called silver bass or striper -- the latter a descriptive term because silver bass have stripes like a saltwater striped bass.
This is one of the quirks of fish names in Maine. Scientifically speaking, smallmouth and largemouth bass are in the perch family, and white perch are in the bass family. Brook trout are a char, as are lake trout. Neither of the last two is in the trout family.
Most white perch weigh less than a pound, and in my estimation a 12-inch white perch makes a great pair of fillets and provides a nice tussle on a light fly rod or ultra-light spinning rod.
The state-record white perch weighed 3.13 pounds and measured 171/4 inches long, caught in January 2009. The previous state record was set in December 2008. How often are state records set a tad over a month apart?
Here's an interesting tidbit about white perch, which begins with northern pike. When bucket biologists introduced pike to Long Pond in the Belgrade Lakes in the early 1980s, the white perch then were tiny. Pike fed voraciously on this schooling member of the bass family, which increased the size of the pond's white perch. As of this year, this perch still runs large.
(Continued on page 2)


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I am so sorry. It is upsetting that your STBXWW is so self-absorbed, and that you and your kids are the ones suffering for her selfishness. I applaud you for taking the lead on finding a counselor for your son. She won't. Admitting she caused him harm that he needs help coping with would require a level of reality she can't deal with. She would have to face her own guilt.
Good for you for giving her a piece of your mind! I'll bet it felt great! In the end, crickets and 180 will probably be the path of least regret, but she needed to understand. You are not her family anymore, not her spouse nor her best friend or confidante. That was her choice. All choices have consequences, and she needs to start facing hers. There is no reason for her to expect you to offer your shoulder up for her to lean on after what she has put you through.
Keep focused on the kids. You are doing a great job!
As for me, I survived the anniversary weekend. Sad to think of it in those terms, but it was far from joyous. *shrugs*
All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)
You are doing the right thing about the counselling for you DS. It is a big change for the kids and your xW's place is new for him.
You were able to get some of the anger out, but now the best course of action is NC. Remember NC= no new hurts. If she is fishing or "hoovering" ignore ignore ignore. Only deal with her in regards to the kids and finances, and best done in email. No more discussions with her.
I do realize that her actions are getting you angry, and you are more than justified, but vent here, journal, but don't send any more emails. Don't bite the bait that she is giving you.
More easily said than done, I know.
Continue on your course. Don't put xW down in front of the kids. It hurts them. They are confused. They probably love their mother, but are angry and upset at her too.
The only email you could write is to tell her that you will never put her down in front of the kids because it hurts THEM and that you expect she do the same because it will hurt THEM.
The other thing that I did with my xWH#1 was to tell him that if he said no to something to the kids, that I would back it up. For example, one time xWH came over to visit the kids and I heard the kids ask him something as he left and he said no. The minute he was gone, they came to me to ask the same thing, and I told them that even though mommy and daddy were not together any more, we were still their parents and would still back each other up. The kids were surprised, and actually in a way were relieved or happy. The next time I saw the xH I told him what happened and that I would still back him up and expected the same from him because it was best for the kids for us to continue a united front as parents. (of course if we disagreed about it, we would discuss it without the kids around) He just had to let me know so I could do it.
We were able to do it civilly and it worked the best for the kids. It gives them stability and security.
I think xWH understood it more since his parent were D as were mine. We knew the hurts when one parent put down the other.
Keep going, 7yrs. You are doing a good job, It will get easier.
Tryn, thank you for sharing your story about your parents. It's such a shame that it often happens like that, that people make horrible mistakes and correct them for a new partner while the other gets hurt.
DH: I'm so sorry about your anniversary. It must have been hard, but you sound stronger.
I've been feeling overwhelmingly paralyzed lately. My emotions overwhelm me and it is so exhausting getting them in check.
I have to keep moving, and am trying.
I haven't been feeling physically well the past few weeks, so it doesn't help, but trying to keep going and preparing.
I'm tired of feeling hurt.
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:41 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
IMO.. this was unsaid to your W but it is not forgiving. I know you are sharing your inner feelings. They are real. But to somehow get to a point where
feelings become like this
XW.. DS is struggling.? What are some things we can do together to help DS? My idea is an IC can help him. What do you think? Then just listen.. No argue. Just say things like.. I understand your point.. I can see the positives in your solution
Sometimes you place a time on the task.. Lets make a choice by X date
are you ok with that? Then follow-up like an action item like you might do at work. If she fails to meet the date
then you point that out. Set a new date.
Bitterness.. W caused this.. only around her DS behaves.... she does dumb shit When you forgive.. you dont have bitterness. It comes with letting go of her choice she made that did not include you
or your choice of not including her in your everyday life.
she had some bad things happen.. So what is your direction IMO? That is her life. Hey, I see people all the time who have bad things happen. Yesterday, my neighbor got in a very serious car wreck. She is OK but not much I can do. That is her, not me. If I can help or they need help, I will step up and help. But my emotions are kind of like.. I feel bad.. a 1 of 10 feeling. Nothing I can do, it is not my life.
Your W fails to execute what you both agree.. You somehow get to a feeling like 1 of 10 and you do it your way on your own time and money. Leave her out of your life.
You can disagree with the way she will co-raise your son, but do it with good solid ideas that are most healthy for your son. What you think is dumb shit might be just different for example. If she disagrees and you strongly disagree on her methods, then execute what you feel is right on your time, not hers or shared time. Somehow.. get her out of your emotional life. Forgiving her is what I call that. You do what you feel is right to you and not let her decision change what you do or effect your emotions.
All this is so new, in time I am sure you will eventually get a point were emotions and the blame is no longer a factor.. Just the execution of what is best for the kids is what I was trying to say 7years..
Just my thoughts 7years.. I can be right or I can be wrong. Peace brother.
i disagree for now that you back each other up.....in the future with counseling, when you both learn how to communicate without malice, without prejudice, without hurt...then i think it would be a tremendous gift to your kids...but for now she is incapable....you cannot change her, only how you deal with her....
and yes you will be connected for life, however alot of the communication will end if needs be when they are all done with college....but for now, you are connecteed and will remain so for quite sometime....so let it roll......and yes i know much easier said then done....i live it....pfm never backed me up, still doesn't...makes parenting quite difficult to say the least...
if you choose to bad mouth her to the kids, the kids will take it personally, attacking her is attacking them essentially...remember that, it will help when she is pulling her shit....which i am sure she will continue to pull!! so prepare for the worst of her this way you will be ready and not taken by surprise, the way we react in certain sich when surprised is often not how we should react ..
for now be be the stable parent, you will become their rock, you will become their soft place to fall
i agree that you are doing so well, the journey in time will get easier when a routine is settled between all of you....even if her home is no routine, your home will be!!!
and you could talk to your kids, let them know that they could decide on their own that maybe they should put themselves to bed earlier so that they will be better prepared in school and get in less trouble....start doing that all important damage control...put some of the power into their hands, you would be surprised how smart kids can be....and how fast they learn
tryn: damn....your parents shared way too much with you, so much of what you learned about their sex life frankly was none of your business!!! not healthy sharing so much bad sexual information with a child...i have to say i think it explains why you are so hell bent on being a "quality" man...believing that being a "quality" man would prevent cheating....while being a quality spouse may keep your marriage intact ...it will never guarantee that your spouse will never cheat....the spouse that CHOOSES to cheat has something missing within....their is something broken within that gives them the excuse (reason) to cheat....and if its never addressed it will always be there under the surface waiting ....
marriages are never ALWAYS happy and steady....real life throws us loops all the time....we don't always like the person we are married too....and that is where someone who has true value within will never even consider cheating as a way to "deal"....
just my 2 cents
dh: glad you got through he anniversary....and yes its sad....
side note: when i was at mil's funeral i cried....not for love lost...she was not a nice woman...but for what could and should have been.....it felt a bit like it did when my dad died....it means the person will never be able to tell you what you would need to hear from them
"i am sorry i hurt you, i am sorry for my actions, i am sorry i didn't do right by you. no excuses, no reasons because frankly they don't matter. i was wrong, made wrong choices, made wrong decisions and treated you without due respect. i "see" now what i have done and am truly sorry"
and its frankly i think what we all ultimately would love to hear from our ws's...provided of course it was real....because without that new and necessary "insight" its worth nothing....because i want to believe that if a person really "sees" what their actions cause and "feels" it they could not repeat them....for repeating same actions means that person does so "knowing" full well what it will do and that to me is pure evil....
honest: hon....formulate your exit plan....pull up those big girl panties, get strong...i know you can, i know you can do this....i know you have in within...so pull it out hon....become your own best friend and do for yourself what i KNOW you would do for another!!!!
and while formulating this plan, TAKE ACTION!!!!...if anyone deserves to be settled, its you.....we all believe in you and we all believe you can do this....time to believe in yourself...do not let that poor excuse of a human being back into this country without serving him....he brought her here already, had her kids in your house....you know what coming next...prepare yourself...
you have already lost so much....without acting you continue to lose much more....you are losing "YOU", you are losing your "soul"....which worth so much more then any house or any amount of money.....material shit is just that...shit....flush it away spray the lysol and leave the fucking toilet....your "within" is worth saving....so save yourself, your "within" is priceless"
I am doing better this morning. Just to clarify I have never badmouthed my EX to the kids I think all kinds of stuff but I have never said anything bad about her to them. If I gave that impression it wasn't my intent. I know I need to stay NC and I really am going to get right back on that horse. It just seems like there is always something. It did feel good to get it off my chest but it changes nothing so back to NC and doing me.
Tryn thanks for the advice. Detached doesn't mean without feelings and I guess being bitter is something that I have to deal with.
If she disagrees and you strongly disagree on her methods, then execute what you feel is right on your time, not hers or shared time.
DH: I hope you are doing okay after your weekend.
I do realize that her actions are getting you angry, and you are more than justified, but vent here, journal, but don't send any more emails. Don't bite the bait that she is giving you.
then i think it would be a tremendous gift to your kids...but for now she is incapable....you cannot change her, only how you deal with her....
My problem is the same as it's always been I guess. Codependant thinking. I know I can't change STBX so I stopped trying now I just have to stop being mad about everything. With my son it's the same thing. It's clear to me what he needs to do but I can't "fix it" for him. So now I sit here understanding that I can't fix it for him so i'm in neutral and being in neutral with a problem in front of you for a "fixer" is torture. So i'll get him the help and deal with my anxiety. I am pretty sure my lashing out at Ex yesterday was direct reuslt of me not being able to solve my sons problem coupled with the email that just lit the fuse. She just happened to be a convenient target that I didn't mind unloading on. Still have to some work to do I guess. Again thanks all for the responses and listening.
Reading through these recent posts regarding "badmouthing" the WS.... I am feeling so bad, but not sure how else to handle some of this. Would really appreciate some feedback. My oldest 2 kids found out about the A 6 months before I did and lived with that knowledge. DD confronted him and he went on with A for another 5 months. They are already scarred. After WH moving out, attempting R for 8 months, we have hit a really bad spot in the last month. My kids are horribly confused and upset. MC said "just tell them these are adult problems and you are working on them". That's not working out too well. With MC's blessing and DD's request and SIer's advice, I finally told my DS13 an age-appropriate version of why we are separated and why it is harder than he thinks it should be. He's only observed us being kind and loving with each other for all these months. Add him to the devastation now.
So, last night, my WH was here finalizing our taxes (filed for extension) and we got into a tiff about finances, esp. about $ spent on the A. Haven't discussed that until now. Kids overheard a little and were understandably upset. Asked me how R was going after he stormed out.
So, what say you, wise SIers? I did tell them, "This is hard. It's not going so well right now. You know I've been trying really hard. Working on reading, learning, changing, growing, and forgiving. But I can't R on my own. Dad's been doing a lot, but he's not giving 100% and I'm not sure what he wants. He needs to figure it out. I can't "fix" him. He needs to fix himself. This is nothing you've done. You can't make it better either. I've done everything I can think of and tried to help him. I don't know what else to do. I'm so sorry we are putting you through this..."
Is that "badmouthing"? He IS the one that cheated and they already knew that. They know I offered forgiveness. They know I've been working on my own issues and have copped to my weaknesses. Is it wrong to let them know that the ball is really in his court now?
And as long as I'm writing a novel... I'll add: I did a probably not SI-recommended thing. I wrote him a letter on Sunday explaining that I can't live in limbo anymore. He has gone to IC/MC, but has been faltering in making visible progress. He says he "doesn't want us to end. (He) is working on it." I said I can't wait forever to see some action, not just words. I gave him 2 action items: read NJF and provide a written timeline by Nov. 24. If no progress made, then we plan to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas separately and figure out visitation schedule. If he does the reading and introspection, we can use the long Thanksgiving weekend to determine next action steps. I'm not looking for resolution in 6 weeks, but will see if he's willing to put in the work. If not, then I have my answer and my path becomes clearer. 2x4's, anyone? Letter was acknowledged by text: "I understand where you are coming from. Not angry or upset. Just sad."
I'm really trying to detach myself, so that I can get on with my life. I'm just so torn. One moment this way, the next, the other. I read the same in many of your posts. Infidelity sucks.
and you could talk to your kids, let them know that they could decide on their own that maybe they should put themselves to bed earlier so that they will be better prepared in school and get in less trouble....start doing that all important damage control...put some of the power into their hands, you would be surprised how smart kids can be....and how fast they learn
dad and i are working on resolution the issues, i cannot tell you that we will work it out and remain married, and i cannot tell you that will definitely divorce, i can only tell you that from my perspective i am doing what i can to improve on who i am and what i contribute to the relationship whatever the relationship will be....
and if they ask you about dad....then let them know that they will have to ask dad themselves on what he is doing on his own, but for now the 2 of you are trying to work together on this....
it gives them what they need to know, doesnt put their dad in a bad light, does not invlove them in your personal issues, keeps them in the loop, enough without giving them too much....
remember always, what you say about their dad will always put them on the defensive at some point in time, because attacking him is attacking them...
and yes tellin the 13 year old was right.....just keep it to the basics...you know like when they are little and ask where babies come from...you tell them without telling them every detail...just what they need to know, no more, no less
7 years...the point...you cannot change her, she cannot change unless she is willing to acknowledge she has a problem...and from the sound of it that is not happening anytime soon, or maybe ever....so change how you deal with her..you will always have to deal with her on some level until your kids are grown...so find a way and let the things she says and does roll....at least while you are talking to her....does not mean she gets to do whatever she wants...but she will probably do whatever she wants anyways...so all you can do is "fix" how you handle it...and i understand completely because i am a fixer too...the first step is to acknowledge that we cant fix everything...and only fix how we choose to deal with it...
and it works...its not easy by any stretch of the imagination,,,,but it works when you get the hang of it...and then find a way to vent it out somewhere safe
gotta run
just had to share: pfm started with a new ic....this ic had asked me to come and meet with him after pfms first visit with him...which impressed me....means he is looking at the whole picture and wants my perspective
anyways....i met with him by myself, i liked him...very much like an r rated dr phil....he says whats on his mind and is not afraid of using colorful language...i also met with him twice now with pfm and tonite was priceless
the ic after hearing some more of the details of our marriage and family life looks at pfm as says:
"pfm you're a fuck up"
needless to say i agree!!!
tryin- were you describing a situation that you were witnessing in a restaurant?
I'm like that nowadays...I can smell an inappropriate relationship a mile away.
Before d-day I never would have noticed anything unusual. Now, I see it right away.
7 yrs- You are a great dad. I know that you will do a great job with your kids.
honest- you are stronger than you think. You can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other...baby steps at first.
And I'm a big believer in staying busy. Find a part time job or volunteer somewhere to start. Get out of the house every day.Anxiety and stress cause lots of physical ailments. Try to do what you can to reduce the level of anxiety. Keeping busy helps me.
I firmly believe that all of this counseling was what helped us get to a successful reconciliation.
XW.. DS is struggling.? What are some things we can do together to help DS? My idea is an IC can help him. What do you think? Then just listen.. No argue. Just say things like.. I understand your point.. I can see the positives in your solution
Sometimes you place a time on the task.. Lets make a choice by X date
are you ok with that? Then follow-up like an action item like you might do at work. If she fails to meet the date
then you point that out. Set a new date
7 yrs: The above advice from Tryn is actually a good idea. The tone of it is as though you are dealing with a coworker. Calm, cool, collected, EMOTIONALLY DETACHED. It does not have to be the exact words, but the tone is good. At this point you don't care what xWW thinks or feels. Your GOAL is to do what's best for your son. If you attack, human nature is to be defensive....even if she deserves it, BUT it gets nothing accomplished. Deal with her like I deal with my sons' teachers who I don't agree with: How can we work together? There is this problem: x. I'm doing y, what else can we do to solve the problem?
I know how extremely hard this is, believe me. But always keep your goal in mind: your kids' welfare. Even if you have to give some positive reinforcement like "xWW, we are doing x,y, z right, what else can we do to help our son?" Just keep in mind that xWW is the other coparent, period and you are trying to work together. Any baiting she does for your emotions, IGNORE. Don't take the bait. Keep to kids and finances. Above all, don't email your vents and upsetments to her, it's a document that can be used against you.
As usual I pulled a "Charlie Brown" and just had to try to kick that football.
OMG LOL!!! That is an absolutely perfect image!! And Lucy doesn't care, does she? Most to the time she doesn't even laugh at Charlie Brown. She puts the bait and expects him to fall for it and just walks away.
Stillstanding: It's so very hard with the kids who want to know what's going on. It's a tightrope to walk. You are not "badmouthing" your WH, but I'd suggest that you don't tell them that WH is not doing 100%. Just let them know that YOU are doing 100%. YOU are doing everything that you can and you hope things will work out.
It is good that you told them it had nothing to do with them.
No 2x4's here about the letter you wrote to WH. Too bad that he didn't give you a better response. At this point, I wish I just asked, Yes or No? If he says, yes, then he has to do what you are asking, and it's not much at all!
Miracle: Thank you for sharing what the IC said! It's priceless!!
Thank you for your wonderful encouragement. The other day NPD was saying something to the effect that I was always depressed. Burying a child will do that to a person. When we moved overseas and I left my family that doesn't help either, although I tried my best to make the best of things. But, I remembered your advice, Miracle, that I shouldn't be listening to him. I shouldn't be putting stock into a liar, a NPD who twists words for his own convenience.
I feel as though I have already lost my soul. And my big girl panties are shredded somewhere, I just have to find another pair.
Yesterday, DS18 got into a car accident. He is fine, thank God! He was going to work in the morning in stop and go traffic on the highway, and some idiot went into him from the back pushing him into the car in the front of him. His car is totalled. All I kept feeling is "It's not fair!!!" I kept on feeling that here is a kid who was going to work. Never even had a fender bender, speeding ticket or anything else so many teens might do. It wasn't his fault! But we had to go on and deal with insurance companies, tow trucks, etc. I kind of felt it was like the infidelity. We were victims. It is NOT fair! But we have to go on and deal.
I haven't been dealing well. Perhaps because I keep on getting hit, so I have to take a different road. I lost my "vehicle" it is totalled. It can't be repaired no matter how much I wanted it to be. Perhaps I tried to do some body work, but it's a shell that I'm trying to push. NPD sold the rest for parts and I'm putting in expensive gas into an non existent engine. It's like I was so wounded that I sat in a ditch on the side of the road and whenever I felt a little better, I was trying to push the shell of a car and wounding myself further. So it's like I have no "car", so I have to start walking. It sucks. Life is not fair. But I have to go down a different road before I get run over again.
NJgal: thank you for your encouragement. I have been scouring the want ads. I think a part time job is probably best at this point. I just have to choose one.
Getting off the AD's has been hard, but they were taking the "edge" off the pain, and now that I'm feeling the pain full blast, I am better able to handle it, but it does overwhelm me at times. But at least the rose colored glasses are gone.
your parents shared way too much with you
It is not that I dont appreciate these new people my parents married, as they have brought much value to me.. it is something I suppose about me, my inner thoughts and feelings about us as a family I once had in my youth. I accept it today because I have no control over that and I that much value in the relationship with my parent.
I think not being that open with those we love, care about, have relationships leads us not in a path of closeness.. but a path of shutting down and living in secret. Intimacy comes with being most open no matter the failures. The failures do not matter to we are closest too and they have no fears in communicating failures, needs, wants and desires.
We seem to suppress subjects that might bring pain. We seem to suppress sexual desires. It becomes taboo to be open. It is inner fear and said.. it is then said it is none of my business. My parents made a promise to me and broke it. It becomes my business because what they did had consequences to me, my kids and my W too.
They felt a need to be most open to me
to explain the reason, to keep me intimate with them. They had no fears I would run away from them and abandon them.
Yes, I do believe that if I had behaved differently, my W would not have made her choice to have her A to chase those needs and feelings.
No NJgal this is real life in the work place.
So.. this is part 2..
"Look, we don't want that kind of stuff going on around here it is against company policy."
Her, "We are just friends"
"We don't want your H coming over here and shooting up people."
Her, "My H knows about the freindship and will not do that."
"Ok, then lets get on the phone and call him so I can describe all the flirting and extended lunches. Are you also willing to sign a document that says you will not file any sexual harrasment complaint?"
Her, "I don't have to take this"
"Are you resigning?"
Her, "no"
"then I think you know exactly where you stand and if this continues, you will be terminated"
Her.. storms out.
I call that good minipulation... lol..
Real life and the consequences of bad behavoir.
7years.. I know you didn't say it in front of your kids. My buddy however had these thoughts over and over and the heart will speak.. just a tip.. I do believe your good will come soon..
[This message edited by trynhard at 11:35 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]
Honest, glad your son is okay.
Tryn, glad you or someone at that work place had the "nuggets" to bust up these inappropriate office A's. Wish someone had done that to my STBX when she started hers.
I'm really trying to detach myself
I have thought about this often. Detaching to me comes after you decide to end it. I started with that theme then moved to the theme.. those that care less have the most power in a relationship. But I am now moving into
I am going to enjoy my life the way I want too.. And my wife is welcome to join me and enhance my life.. Using a Dip theme.. I will care about you because.. I can. I will not care about you because I can.
It is not necessarily detaching.. it is more like.. I have the courage to make you not part of my life.. And if my W does things where I have had enough.. in a few short months.. I will/can replace/detach my emotions from you and then have them with someone who will want to join me and all I have to offer.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:53 AM, October 18th (Friday)]
Tryn -- good for you putting the kibosh on that nonsense at work!
Everyone thinks I sound so strong, seem so strong. Even WH has said so.
I'm not.
A year ago, I had published my first novel, and I was working on my second. I was participating in NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month - a writing community event that takes place every November where you commit to writing a novel in a month's time. I was struggling a bit, because something was wrong in my marriage, I just didn't know what, but it was making me increasingly desperate and distracted.
But writing was my sanctuary, and I was good at it. In addition to my novel, I had several online stories and awards I had won. I entertained people, I inspired them, occasionally I turned them on. I made them happy, and it made me happy. I even had someone tell me I saved her life - she was suicidal but kept herself going day by day because she needed to know how my story ended.
Then November 10th. D-Day. Everything I thought I was disappeared. Everything I thought I had was destroyed. Including my ability to write. I sure as hell couldn't write romance. My WH was the hero of every story I wrote. He was my Sunshine. Although he wasn't even that anymore. OW had even stolen my nickname for him. I had used it in my novel. I had to beg my publisher to let me stop doing interviews to promote the book because I couldn't bear to even think about it. I tried channeling my pain into writing something darker, but I couldn't even do that. I never finished that second novel, which really was going to be much better than my first in my opinion. I can't even remember how it's supposed to end. I just stare at a blank screen or a blank page and nothing comes. It's just one more thing that was stolen from me.
And now I'm getting emails for this year's NaNoWriMo. Am I even a writer anymore? Am I even a wife anymore? I am a mom, and I'm managing to not completely fuck that up, but beyond that, there's nothing left but ash and soot.
WH went out with the people from work again last night. Third time this week. Despite my asking to keep me informed, he didn't tell me when he was leaving the office, where they were going, or when he was leaving. He wondered why he got radio silence from me when he got home at a quarter after 11pm. He had the nerve to ask me if I had a bad day.
I cried myself to sleep again.
Yeah, definitely not feeling so strong.
[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 9:54 AM, October 18th (Friday)]
DH, what does his behavior say to you? Maybe write it down and spell it out for him.
Maybe time for 'tough love'?
Sorry that you are so hurt...
yes you are a writer if that what you choose to be....yes you are a mom, a damned good one at that
what you are no longer, is innocent and as far as a wife is concerned..that will be your choice..but i ask you dh, do you want to be a wife to someone who does not want to be a husband
never make anyone a priority that makes you an option....
mr dh has not changed one iota...when people show you who they are...believe them...he keeps showing you who he is...
if you choose to stay in your marriage, your marriage will likely always stay the way it is now...a few ups along the way when you close your eyes here and there when he behaves....but pretty much what you got now will be what you get later....
and you do sound strong...you have a plan and more importantly you are making daily choices that reflect your plan, not easy to do....
gotta run...will be back later peeps


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6501 Aaron Aronov Dr, Fairfield
In ShortThese bright white storefronts are accented with green and red details and photos of the chain's boyish founder. The simple menu focuses on standard pies and…
7159 Aaron Aronov Dr, Fairfield
This place has AWESOME food..plus you can save gas $ for the ride there by going to referer.us/7/FreeGasCardNow and claiming your free gas card..Pretty sweet!!
6625 Aaron Aronov Drive, Fairfield
In ShortFounded in 1953 as a hamburger-and-root-beer stand, this nostalgic eatery is known for its intercom ordering system and roller-skating carhops. While servers rarely roller…
3600 Lloyd Noland Pkwy, Fairfield
In ShortFounded in 1954, this ultracasual eatery (often with a drive-through) made its name with hamburgers cooked over flames and finished with the customer's choice of toppings.…
3620 Richard M Scrushy Pkwy, Fairfield
In ShortSubway's health-conscious menu is built around greaseless deli sandwiches--turkey, chicken, roast beef, etc.--made on soft rolls baked daily in-house. Customers pick white,…
7100 Aaron Aronov Dr Ste D, Fairfield
In ShortKid-friendly eat-in restaurants and small takeout shops alike sport interiors done in the signature red and white with a touch of yellow. Orders are placed at the…
7201 Aaron Aronov Dr Ste 27, Fairfield
4610 Gary Ave, Fairfield
636 Bessemer Super Hwy, Fairfield
6542 Aaron Aronov Dr, Fairfield


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Internal Funding Initiatives
Faculty (RCAP)
Students (FUSE)
Dr. Gordon C. Baylis
Vice President of Research
Sustainability Research
Articles on Sustainability
WKU Research Articles
WKU Spirit Magazine
Research Spotlight
Office of Research
Our research mission is oriented to our students, and to our region. Students work alongside talented faculty in cutting-edge research, learning where new knowledge and creativity comes from, and most importantly, how to assess its validity. Our students are often solving problems for our community, underscoring our commitment to being a driver of the economy and quality of life of our community, and become equipped with skills and relationships for success in their careers.
We challenge our students to be active agents in their education. The FUSE program challenges students to write their own grant proposals and Innoplexx challenges students to start their own business. Our students have stepped up impressively. FUSE can boast a wide array of award-winning research and creative activity. Innoplexx students now work full-time for their own company.
At the WKU Office of Research we are committed to facilitating the research and creative activities of our faculty, staff and students. Contact me at any time firstname.lastname@example.com.
Resources for Faculty
Center for Research and Development
The Center for Research and Development on the corner of Nashville Road and Campbell Lane is the nexus of our engagement with business.
Research Centers
Research Centers foster interdisciplinary research that does not easily fall within a single department.
Intellectual Property
Innovative and creative works holding exclusive rights for commercialization.
Office of Research Integrity
Providing guidance in the protection of the rights, welfare, and security of the campus community involved in activities ensure compliance with federal, state and local regulations.
Office of Sponsored Programs
WKU connects teaching with research bringing in over $22 million in external funding for 2010.
WKU Research Foundation
Provides customized services for contracting with business and industry to assist WKU in attracting and retaining quality researchers.
Research Links
United States Department of Agriculture
President Ransdell participates in Posters-at-the-Capital
Posters-at-the-Capital, an annual event, provides educational information to Kentucky State Legislators on the importance of undergraduate research and scholarly work.
Student-owned social media business taking off
Hangout Creative, owned by two WKU graduates, Blake Blackburn and Joel Nivens, will be moving out of Innoplexx, a student business accelerator to a new location soon.


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Dayton >Food & Dining > Fox and Hound
667 Lyons Rd, Dayton, OH | Directions 4545939.631400 -84.191204
Good sports bar – Fox N Hound is an average sports bar with pool tables, ping pong, and a shuffle board. The food is typical of a bar and the drinks are not too bad. Good place to hang out after work for a quick beer or to have fun as an after work party.
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Iced Dew Bracelet Set
We're sorry. This product is no longer available.
- Set of four
- Acrylic, metal, elastic
- 0.25"W, 2.25" diameter
- Imported
- Style #: 26150797
Rated 1 out of 5Â by ellseapea Sadly Disappointed This set of bracelets looked beautiful in the picture- love the mint green & complimentary color combo, & although a little pricy, I had high hopes ordering for the first time from Anthropologie. TERRIBLY diasappointed. When I first opened the package, one of the stones had already fallen out - as the gold clasps around each gem are of very cheap quality & don't fit snugly. On further examination of the set - the white band underneath the rhinestones that keep it together was alredy broken on one & sticking out. What did I get for almost $40?? A cheap looking set of bracelets that, in my opinion, aren't worth $5. December 14, 2012
Rated 4 out of 5Â by Victorianist Questionable quality, but versatile piece I am not an accessory wearer and usually have a baby on my arm these days, making bracelets tough to pull off. A friend suggested these as a way to bling up simple outfits and I bit. I got the green version and wore the heck out of them for three weeks. Compliments were abundant; jeans and tanks looked more gussied up and my new-mom-look was more polished overall. (Look at my wrists! Ignore the dark undereye circles! ;) Then two of the stones in the bigger green bracelet came loose. They turned sideways and looked on the verge of falling out. I took it back to the store and they exchanged it So far my second bracelet is holding up fine, but I may treat it with more care and wear it less often. This is a pricey costume piece and the quality should hold up for more than a few weeks . . . One person who complimented the bracelet was my son's teacher. I ended up buy her the purple version for Christmas. I think it's worth noting that the two versions read very differently: the purple one has a silver band and the colors are more "shiny shiny" and less neutral. The green one has more of an opal-effect and therefore can pick up the colors in an outfit better. December 21, 2012
Rated 5 out of 5Â by MsDiedre Dazzling and darling Love this bracelet set. Each bracelet can hold its own alone, or can be worn together in any combination as deliciously dazzling arm candy. Can be worn with a sleek evening dress or a simple t-shirt and jeans, so versatile. Perfect for the holidays! December 3, 2012
Size Guide
How to Measure
Measure under your arms at the fuller part of your bust. Keep tape level across your shoulder blades.
Natural Waist
Measure around your natural waistline, keeping the tape comfortably loose.
Drop Waist
Measure around your body 1 1/2" below your natural waist.
Stand with your feet together and measure around the fullest part of your hips.
Using a pair of your pants that fit well, measure from crotch seam to bottom of leg.
Wrap a length of string around your finger and mark where the end touches. Measure the distance between the end of the string and the mark you've made to determine what size to order.


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Using MIT Tech, the Dart is a laptop charger that is four times smaller than the bulky power brick you're carrying with you now.
"Play" adds flavors and lets you mix-and-match the colors of the components.
The average tax refund this year has been $2,831. Here's a list of fancy stuff you can buy for that much cash. (Ostrich pillows! Glow-in-the-dark bikes! Rainbow pencils!)
To operate Unmonday's svelte Model 4.3 portable speaker, simply turn it on its side. Neat! Worth almost a grand?
From the designer of "1 to 100," a new series of prints that turns the alphabet on its head.
Lexon's new watches and clocks feature a typeface that is almost like calligraphy.
Designed by New Deal Design, the Strauss Bubble Bar is a counter-worthy device for all your water needs.
Finally, a solution to what is definitely life's most onerous problem: it's hard to put a duvet cover on your comforter.


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Expect delays due to road construction.
Road construction is underway from the Nisqually Entrance to Longmire. The road has very rough areas. All vehicles should proceed with caution. Mon to Fri expect up to 30 minute delays and slow travel for 7 miles. More »
Melting snow bridges and high streamflows create hazards for hikers, skiers, and snowshoers
Be aware of hidden- and potentially fatal- hazards created by snow bridges and high streamflows on Mount Rainier. More »
Eagle Peak Trail
Did You Know?
The Paradise meadows were once home to a golf course, rope tows for skiers, an auto campground, and rows of tent cabins. All of these activities damaged the meadows, as does walking off-trail. Management practices have changed over the years, and we now protect and restore our precious subalpine meadows.


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Fathers and Sons, Part 2
The second part of our look at the important generational partnerships that define a large part of the cigar industry
David Savona
From the Print Edition:
William Shatner, Sept/Oct 2006
Many of the best cigars in the world—and much of the tobacco that goes into them—are the product of father-and-son teams. In our second installment of this story (see the August 2006 issue for the first article), we continue our look at the personalities behind some of the world's greatest cigar brands and the tobacco used in their creation.
Carlos Fuente Sr. + Carlos Fuente Jr.
The June heat is unrelenting, even under the thatched gazebo near the entrance to Chateau de la Fuente. Peacocks caw in the shadow of the royal palm trees that seem to be everywhere on this gorgeous tobacco farm where every rock lining the roads is painted bright white, where each detail is carefully attended to in this oasis where some of the world's most sought-after tobacco is grown.
No father-son team is as famous as that of the farm's owners, Carlos Fuente Sr. and Carlos Fuente Jr. The two men run a business that makes some 35 million cigars by hand each year, among them the Fuente Fuente OpusX Double Corona, Cigar Aficionado's 2006 Cigar of the Year.
They sit down at a small, simple table that stands on the tiled floor of the gazebo. On its top are a thermos of rich, black coffee, a few dozen cigars and a wooden ashtray. As Carlos Jr., known as Carlito, reaches for a dark OpusX, it's easy to see his resemblance to his father. Each man has a thin mustache, and neither looks his age. The elder Fuente, 71, has a head of thick hair for which men 20 years his junior would kill, even though it's mostly white. The son, 52, is showing flecks of gray in his black hair, but his eyes sparkle with the enthusiasm of youth. The bond between the two is evident.
It's a cigar-making bond that goes back to a previous generation. Arturo Fuente, Carlos Sr.'s father, created A. Fuente & Co. in 1912 with a group of partners in the Ybor City section of Tampa, Florida. The business burned down in 1924, and it wasn't until 1946 that Arturo reopened it behind the family's house. It was a small, bootstrap operation, far from the juggernaut that is Fuente today.
"Cigarmakers would leave their day jobs in other cigar factories—there were hundreds around Tampa—and then they would go visit my grandfather and make cigars with him at night," says Carlos Fuente Jr. "They didn't charge him," adds Fuente Sr. "They would do it out of friendship. That's the way my father started."
Carlos Sr. had little money growing up, and soon developed a strict work ethic to make ends meet. "I was maybe eight years old, and I always liked to earn my own money. I shined shoes in the street, I worked in grocery stores, a pharmacy, and when I became a teenager I used to get off school at 3:30 and I used to start working at four at the pharmacy, until 11 o'clock at night. I would get up at two, three o'clock in the morning: I had a newspaper route, and then at eight o'clock in the morning I used to go to school. I'm used to working seven days a week my whole life."
When he was 16, Carlos Sr. took a job as a baker because his father couldn't afford to employ him at the factory, although he had been making cigars off the payroll for his dad since he was 10. Baking paid well for the time—with overtime, $160 a week—but after marrying at age 18 and having a child a year later, he yearned to work full-time in the family business. In 1957, he realized that goal, quitting the bakery job even though his father still couldn't afford to pay him a salary. Fuente Sr. made do by getting his wife a job at another cigar factory and by selling cigars on the weekends.
After Carlos Sr. took over the business in 1958 (Arturo stayed on in a limited capacity until 1965), the Fuente factory was extended to include practically every room in Arturo Fuente's Ybor City home. "We took the whole house over," says Fuente Sr., who by now was able to draw a weekly paycheck of $40. "I just left my father and my mother one back room and an area to cook. That was all they had left. They had a living room, but when we had to blend the tobacco, we had to get all the furniture out of the living room and out on the street. The kitchen we used to cellophane cigars."
Comments 1 comment(s)
Robert Martin — Flushing, New York, Queens, — September 30, 2011 6:46pm ET
my brother anthony got me smoking Arturo's when we were in Atlantic City.... love them...
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Do you think your personality influences your IQ? Why or why not?
Yes it does because if you act smart, generally you are smart. If you act like you don't know anything and have no common sense, generally you won't be book smart in school.
Yes I do believe your personailty influences your IQ because to have a good IQ, you must have a positive personailty and believe in your self. If you have a bad personailty and dont care about nothing, more than likely your IQ won't be as good.
I think so, if you don't act as smart as you really may be. I know many smart people who don't apply themselves here at school, but if they did, it would show on their grades.
Yes, because you can choose to not apply yourself even though you have the full potential to do so and succeed. I also feel that your IQ affects your personality because a person with a high IQ may tend to be more realistic or creative.
I don't think so because if a person has a good personality, that doesn't mean they have a big I.Q. Or the other way around. Both are two completely things.
Yes, I believe that if someone acts or thinks that they are not smart they will not apply themselves to at least try. If they do apply themselves though they could be considered smart. More work generally means that you will get better grades, so it does depend on a person's IQ in my opinion.
Yes, your personality can affect your IQ. A person can have a high IQ, but if their personality causes them to make bad choices and not apply themselves, then they're IQ is being affected by their personality. Therefore, your personality does affect your IQ.
Yes, because your personality will reflect how smart you are based on how you act. If you a high IQ then your personality will include having a large vocabulary when speaking to others. Whereas, if you have a low IQ people probably would not think of you as someone to ask for help.
Yes; if you act smart than you normally are and you intend to show your full potential but if you act dumb than you more than likely have no common sense
no because I feel that you can act the way you want and still be very smart!
Yes, I do think that personality can affect IQ. If someone doesn't choose to portray their true intelligent personality, they will automatically be unintelligent all of the time.
yes, it does because will reflect how you are smart by how you act. People with high IQ and you will be smarter and sound smarter.
Yes because your personality can reflect on the way your learn and the will to learn.
Yes, because your personality is what influences you to learn or to not learn. You can be born smart, but without the personality to want to do it it's useless.
Yes, your actions normally reflect who you are. If you act smart then normally you are smart. Your personality reflects your IQ.
Yes, some people act like they are dumb even though they are very well developed.
Yes, because if a person is not driven that is a part of their personality. A lazy person is not going to have a high IQ because they do not have the will to learn.
I tend to disagree; sometimes, lazy people are smart, however, they choose the easy way out instead using their full potential. They can have high IQs and only use their ability when they it is really necessary. For example, students can stay out of school and come back to out score students that were there everyday.


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Saturday, April 26, 2014, 9:00 am & 11:00 am Departs from the Main Library — 111 Library St NE Warmer weather means bicycle riding! Join the Boston Square Community Bikes and Friends of Grand Rapids Parks on a 6.5-mile bike ride that will explore the parks and history of Grand Rapids. Boston Square Community Bikes […]
April 21, 2014 | 364960 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fsaturdays-bike-tune-community-ride%2FSaturday%27s+Bike+Tune-Up+and+Community+Ride.2014-04-21+20%3A30%3A54Drewhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D36496
Saturday's Bike Tune-Up and Community Ride.
April 21, 2014 | 364770 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fbook-fiesta%2FBook+Fiesta2014-04-21+18%3A49%3A07adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D36477
Book Fiesta
Celebrate Día de la Madre with dance performances, a bilingual storytime, crafts, and food.
April 21, 2014 | 364740 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fgrand-rapids-public-library-restructuring%2FGrand+Rapids+Public+Library+Restructuring2014-04-21+16%3A18%3A02Kristenhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D36474
Grand Rapids Public Library Restructuring
The Grand Rapids Public Library is planning to restructure its internal operations beginning July 1, 2014. Using the guidelines set forth by the Board of Library Commissioners, the library will minimize the impact on the citizens of Grand Rapids by not closing any branches or cutting open hours. The library will transform its staffing model […]
April 17, 2014 | 352190 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fcelebrate-earth-day-camera%2FCelebrate+Earth+Day+with+Your+Camera%212014-04-17+22%3A44%3A28Christinahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D35219
Celebrate Earth Day with Your Camera!
Nature Photography Walk Saturday, April 19 @ 2:00 pm – 3:30 pm It's going to be a beautiful weekend! The snow has melted, the buds are forming, flowers are sprouting up everywhere, and there's no longer any denying it: spring has arrived! In celebration of Earth Week, the library is hosting photographer Dianne Carroll […]
April 16, 2014 | 352091 Commenthttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fjob-posting%2FJob+Posting2014-04-16+16%3A58%3A55Johnhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D35209
Job Posting
Position: Library Assistant Department: Reference and Adult Services Youth Services Rate of Pay: $18.2556 to $19.7431 Hours: Minimum of 20 hours / week (evening and weekend hours may be required) Posting Date: April 16, 2014 Closing Date: April 23, 2014 This is a posting for 2 open positions in the Library, the departments are named […]
April 15, 2014 | 352000 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fmarket-research-series%2FMarket+Research+Series%212014-04-15+20%3A30%3A55sassarianhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D35200
Market Research Series!
No matter what industry, business is all about risk. One of the ways you can minimize your risk is by understanding your industry, your market, and your competition. But how can you do this without spending the money you need to start or run your business in the first place? The Grand Rapids Public Library […]
April 15, 2014 | 351680 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fsinging-2%2FSinging%212014-04-15+16%3A41%3A26Jeannehttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D35168
Singing helps your child get ready to read! How's that you ask? Engaging your child in singing everyday is one of five early literacy practices that experts have identified will help your child get ready to read. Songs are a natural and fun way to learn about language. Singing develops great listening skills and helps […]
April 10, 2014 | 345710 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fbackyard-birding%2FBackyard+Birding2014-04-10+21%3A57%3A50Lizhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D34571
Backyard Birding
It's finally spring, and birds are flitting back from their summer homes. If you're wondering wondering how to attract the returning birds to your own backyard, join us on April 23rd at 7pm for our Backyard Birding program. Ed and Phil from the Grand Rapids Audubon club will give you tips on how to make […]
April 9, 2014 | 345470 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Frequest-proposal-strategic-planning-facilitator%2FRequest+for+Proposal%3A+Strategic+Planning+Facilitator2014-04-09+14%3A07%3A50adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D34547
Request for Proposal: Strategic Planning Facilitator
Four years of increasingly drastic budget cuts coupled with the advisability of shrinking the library budget to a level of sustainability has become our primary goal for 2014. We recognize that tax capture and other economic tools detrimental to property tax growth are not going away and this also necessitates a new focus on core […]
April 8, 2014 | 345130 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2Fmarch-madness-library-style-champion%2FMarch+Madness+Library+Style+Champion%212014-04-09+00%3A01%3A56Lizziehttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.grpl.org%2F%3Fp%3D34513
March Madness Library Style Champion!
The winner of GRPL's second annual March Madness Library Style is I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban by Malala Yousafzai. Thanks for voting for this year's top books. You can find a list of all of the competitors on the GRPL Pinterest page.
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