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DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
Sorry about your situation. That sounds very exhausting and frustrating for everyone in your family.
I basically raised my child alone because after several years it became obvious to me that none of the men in our lives were up to the task.
From my perspective, giving your child the healthiest most promising childhood is the #1 goal, even if you have to do it yourself. If you have to coach and ride your partner, creating friction in the home and wasting your energy, then I think it's better to just do it yourself. There can be other ways that your husband can provide the father role as he is willing and able.
It's harder to get beyond resenting the less capable partner than to actually just do the parenting yourself.
What you are describing is extraordinarily common and this is one reason that I feel that marriage and family life should be redefined.
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
Hi MrsBone,
If it was me I wouldn't talk to your husband about it. I would just do what needs to be done. So if the kids need to go into the car, I would just do it myself. If the father starts yelling at them, I would just say "I'll take care of it, just go count the clouds or something, it will only be a minute" or something good-humored. If your husband hasn't been able to address his temper, develop his understanding of himself as a parent, have empathy for his children, or if he has some kind of personality issue that prevents him from being a better parent, then talking to him will not accomplish anything. Talking it out is for people who are all trying to reach a resolution or develop/create a better situation through cooperation. This is not (it sounds) that your husband's perception of himself is as evidenced by his behavior.
One of the problems in marriage, I think, is that there is the idea that the parents are a single unit rather than two people in tandem. Any group of people (including a partnership in the home) who truly function as a unit are very rare. I also don't think that this is an ideal that makes sense for humanity in general, especially since individualism, equality, and autonomy are the prevalent emerging values (and I think that's a good thing). I think it works better if people realize that each of them has to do 100%, not each one doing 50%. If this was understood, I think that exploitation would decrease because people wouldn't be constantly stuck in a power struggle with their partner - and many dysfunctional partnerships would not be formed in the first place.
So my advice is that you have to see yourself and your husband more realistically and then just do what needs to be done with as much humor and grace as possible. You will build your dignity and self-esteem in doing so. In my case, when I changed my expectations and perceptions in this regard I became much more effective and happy in my life. It is up to each adult to change/grow by and for themselves, if they want to; to me that is the very definition of adulthood. If there is an element of codependency in a relationship, then the adults are reacting against one another ("I will demonstrate my frustration to send a message that I don't want to do this," "I have to tell him how to behave because he is part of me, depends on me, it's my duty" etc) and each one is resentful to give more than 50%; then neither is fully free to create/grow personally. I can't affect my spouse, I can only affect myself. This I have had to accept: not to change him, but to enable myself and achieve what I intend in my life.
I hope this helps.
Best wishes
I suppose the first step is to try to find out whether he's doing this because he thinks it's a good idea or because he can't help it. Of course, if he's the sort to try to convince himself something is a good idea because he can't help doing it, that could be a hard thing to determine...
Is this happening almost entirely late in the day and very early in the morning? It could be that his ADHD meds are wearing off (or haven't kicked in yet, if it's morning). How is he on the weekend in the middle of the day? If this is the problem, it could be fixed by medication changes (extended release? higher dose? booster pill? taking it later in the morning?), possibly therapy, or just knowing his limits and trying to stay out of the way.
On the other hand, I have noticed a running theme on mommy forums (and with my ex) that it seems common for men to want to just parent however their parents did it, even if it makes everyone unhappy in the short term and they don't want their kids turning out like their siblings anyhow.... I don't really know the solution.
So basically your husband has little "adult tantrums". If he can't control himself, he should be gently disciplined like any of your children would be. So if you're around, you can do any of the following to manage his temper tantrum:
1) Remove the object of the tantrum (the child)
2) Redirect! Distract him by changing the subject ("Settle down back there! Are you excited to go home to do X?")
3) Kindly but firmly state that kind of behaviour is not acceptable ("Now, now, I'm sure we can all be kind to each other even when we're a bit grumpy. What seems to be the trouble here? Can I help?")
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
MrsBone, the biggest issue facing you at the moment, it seems to me, is how enabling you wish to to your husband. In other words, do you wish to discipline and guide him as your "other child" as a PP stated, or do you wish to give him the respect and freedom to either assume or refuse self-responsibility?
I chose the latter route for the reasons I explained.
Some people think that I don't love or respect my husband, but I do. I accept him and respect him to be the mater of his own destiny. I appreciate him and don't criticize him or hold him to expectations beyond the basic bonds of the marriage. I allow him the freedom to shape his own role as a father. (All of this is within the bounds of decency, such as non-violence and fidelity.)
You are certainly not alone in this challenge and you are not obligated to do anything beyond raising your children and being a good person who seeks personal fulfillment in life.
Best wishes to you
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
Mrs Bone, I'm very sorry to hear that your husband responded the way he did.
There are several things about your post that caught my eye: that you having sex with him is helpful for him to be a better parent, that he sees being a parent as "doing things 'your way,'" and that he (and you) are comparing one another's ability to exercise self-control based on what you each did during the day rather than on having internally held values.
Best wishes
These are really interesting observations, Puma. It puts into words part of what I think about my relationship with my dh. I think ideally each adult should act according to an internal moral compass, and I do try to see the big picture in what example I am setting and how I want them to act and grow up (hint: I go on the assumption that it will probably be a lot like us). MrsBone, I'm dealing with the same issue with my dh. (Only he's not even as receptive as your dh seems to be, when I talk to him about it.) I have my moments of losing it, but I know what I am striving for and I think overall I do very well these days. It's very frustrating to deal with a partner that doesn't seem to have the same value of basic respect that I have. Sadly, we have fallen into a pattern where he just stays out of a lot of everyday things. And it's by his choice, or rather *his* frustration over me "taking over" when he's trying to "discipline" (he does not spank, but he kind of seems to think we should sometimes - so he ends up with a mean yell). I guess I would rather him just leave it to me, at this point (even though that drives a further wedge between us probably), but I wish it was without the resentments around it. I actually think it's encouraging your dh said he'd try, even if it was reluctantly.
Mrs Bone, I'm very sorry to hear that your husband responded the way he did.
There are several things about your post that caught my eye: that you having sex with him is helpful for him to be a better parent, that he sees being a parent as "doing things 'your way,'" and that he (and you) are comparing one another's ability to exercise self-control based on what you each did during the day rather than on having internally held values.
Best wishes
MrsBone-- I could have written your posts! In fact I logged on today to write a similar plea for advice. All I can offer is commiseration. DH really struggles with his temper. When he's frustrated or stressed, he has very little patience and he loses it very easily-- by yelling, or saying mean things, or being completely dismissive and patronizing.
DH has gotten better over the years--when he's relaxed and happy, he's a wonderful guy and a great dad. But life is full of stress! I find myself trying to minimize and diffuse it-- trying to keep DS quiet and well behaved and putting undo pressure and expectations on him in order to avoid one of DH's outbursts.
Puma-- I like what you said about dropping the expectations and accepting our partners for who they are, but I really really struggle with it in practice. I try to diffuse situations that I know DH will get triggered by, but part of being parents is teaching our kids how to deal with uncomfortable emotions, like frustration and impatience. And a lot of the time, DH acts exactly like our 3 year old!
MrsBone-- I don't know how many times I've had that same thought, "I control my anger all day long, why is it ok for you not to?!"
DH comes from an abusive (physically and emotionally) background, so I try to be considerate and understanding of that. But I also worry about being too lenient. Where does it cross over from being just a hot temper to being abuse??
The brutal conclusion that I've come to is that I can't change DH (easy to say, hard to swallow.) So I can either choose to parent with a partner who, on occasion, is impatient and downright mean. Or I can choose not to (which would mean divorce.)
Sorry for the ramble-- we've had a rough weekend and this issue is on the front of my brain right now....
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
If your husband has been a good friend to you, then just stick with that. I think that traditional marriage is an inaccurate description of a partnership relationship - meaning that two people will be friends, lovers, co-parents, "business" partners in the home economy, etc. - and do it fully and well, and be satisfied from this arrangement.
I stay with my husband because I love him and I prefer his friendship to being without it. I try to live without expectations of other people (not just him). Easier to do with practice, I've been working on it for about 15 years. I don't want to feel the pain of resentment so I try to let it go. I used to feel that I was some sort of moral police officer and that by giving acceptance to someone who disappointed me I was condoning the behavior. I learned from mothering that real love is unconditional acceptance and compassion. Learning that was one of the greatest rewards of mothering for me. So I try to just love my husband - and myself - as well as I can.
My daughter is grown and my marriage is much easier now. I think that having (often grudgingly) abandoned my dysfunctional expectations over the years has made our relationship better. I'm a happier person and don't need him to stoke that all the time, I make myself happy. Our relationship isn't the same as when we were young and neither am I, so it's a new chapter for us.
Very good conversation here, I'm happy to see the support and insights that are being contributed!
Puma- I agree that the traditional marriage ideal puts too much pressure on everyone. I think we all need outside support from friends, family, and community to meet some of our needs-- rather than expecting that our partner can be our everything. I see myself making this mistake-- DH and I spend so much of our free time together that I just end up relying on him in ways I probably shouldn't-- and vice versa. He doesn't have any close friends here (we moved to my home town four years ago) so he doesn't have the male support system that I think he needs.
For me the yelling and temper are more than just a minor inconvenience. And I do feel like it's ok to have certain base line expectations--- Puma you mentioned fidelity and non-violence, but I would add no verbal violence as well. It hurts when someone yells at you and puts you down-- I know, because DH often does it to me. The rest of the time he is wonderful-- he is affectionate and caring and funny and tells me that he loves me and values me and the work I do..... But when he loses it and says something to cut me down, it makes me question if it's worth it. The same goes for parenting. DH is great with DS most of the time-- he spends lots of time playing with him and is usually pretty patient and relaxed. But then he gets triggered or stressed and yells at DS or
I know that DH does want to change this behavior-- he sees the pain it causes and feels remorseful after he's had an outburst or said something painful. I'm grateful that he's willing to talk about it with me and that he sincerely seems invested in changing. But how long do you give someone to change?! Obviously there's no mathematical equation for this (it would be so much easier if there was!!)
From what I've read and seen in relation to family culture and family law in the US, the ideology that a child is best served by having two equally involved parents (nuclear family) is the standard, despite a good body of evidence that indicates that the mother is actually more important to a child's well-being especially if the father is not very nurturing in his parenting (this includes "traditional" fathers who are emotionally removed, authoritarian, or with poor impulse control who themselves require "mothering" within the family unit).
I include verbal violence in my categorization of violence.
(EDIT: Impatience and irritability, including yelling, are different, to me, than verbal abuse, which aims to demean, intimidate, and control. The irritable spouse I may tolerate but he abuser I would not. Of course, I'm only speaking from my own personal point of view.)
Unfortunately, each adult will have to address his or her own behavior individually. The state or a counselor or a spouse may attempt to rehabilitate a parent's destructive behavior, but it's up to the person to change. Also unfortunately, a child with a parent who is underdeveloped and immature or who has personality deficiencies or mental health issues is pretty much stuck with that parent even if the parents divorce or contact is limited. Since the standard to which the family in crisis will be held is to integrate both parents into the child's life, often, I feel, to the detriment of the child and the primary caregiver, it's less likely that a child can be very free from the destructive effects of a deficient parent. Verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse is poorly understood and poorly addressed in society. Since the assumption is made that each parent has an "equal right" (both in the minds of society at large and in the eye of the law), an abusive person has ample opportunity to channel their anger through the courts, counseling, and through parental alienation. So in some sense, this problem simply doesn't go away in the current paradigm: once a family unit has been created, that is the standard to which parenting relationships will be held for the duration. This is an area that I feel needs very prompt and sweeping reform.
On the other hand, it's worth fighting for freedom from abuse for oneself and the children no matter how difficult it seems.
These are very personal choices.
(EDIT: Impatience and irritability, including yelling, are different, to me, than verbal abuse, which aims to demean, intimidate, and control. The irritable spouse I may tolerate but he abuser I would not. Of course, I'm only speaking from my own personal point of view.)
I guess this is where I struggle the most. Impatience and irritability I will tolerate-- no one is perfect, I myself have many moments where I am irritable and less gentle in my approach than I'd like. But the line to me is so thin. In his moments of anger and frustration, I believe DH's intention is to control-- and sometimes to demean. An example from this morning, DS was whining about wanting a cookie. I calmly explained that we don't eat cookies for breakfast, but that he could have one later. I tried to redirect/distract him by asking him to help me feed the cat. The whining continued and escalated. I could feel DH getting irritated, but I was not about to give DS a cookie just to put an end to the whining, nor could I remove DS (we live in a tiny loft apartment.) So DH finally loses it and yells "Shut up!!" Of course, this only makes DS whine/cry more, so DH storms upstairs and slams the door. It just seems so juvenile and unnecessary to me....
When he is centered, calm, and cheerful, DH would never say or do anything to hurt, demean, belittle or control me or DS. But he has a really hard time staying calm in the face of stress-- and babies and toddlers come with lots of stress!
Puma- you make a very valid point about both parents having equal rights, and I guess that's what absolutely crushes me. I know that I can't protect DS from his dad's temper. Even if we were to separate, DH would probably get joint custody-- and part of me supports that-- I want DS to have his dad in his life. So whether we're together or separate, DS will have to endure the yelling and irritability, to some extent. And as divorced co-parents, I imagine I would be on the receiving end of even more anger and meanness.
I feel so stuck sometimes. I can't change DH, I can't wave a magic wand and make his anger issues disappear. And now that we're parents, I can't cut him out of my life completely either (even if I wanted to, which I'm not saying I do....)
Oh dear, this sounds very upsetting. Very sorry that you and your son are going through this :(
I don't think that parents should have equal rights. That is the standard of society. I think that there will most often be a primary caregiver, and that role is often unsupported or in conflict with the marriage partnership. This to me is the secret reality that is masked behind the societal ideology of the family. I was able to live within the paradigm, largely by ignoring it; the more responsibility I took on, the less the men tried to be fathers (biological father and step-father). They only created problems (anger in the first case and ineptitude in the second) when I involved them and expected them to parent.
It seems your husband is being very obvious that he doesn't want to have his son around unless he is well-behaved. In the "traditional" marriage, it's the wife-mother's role to groom the children for the time they spend with their father; men with AS tend to expect this too because they can't relate to children and find the stimulation of a child's behavior to be upsetting, therefore they perceive that the child is "out of control" because THEY are experiencing the situation as "out of control."
I really hope that you are able to work something out for the benefit of your parenting and for your son. Perhaps you could live separately for a portion of the year or set up your household so that your husband has more privacy away from you and your son (or that you have more privacy, however you want to look at it). You may have to think creatively to work out a solution that suits you.
Of course, if you are seeing that your husband is so immature and marginally abusive that you are getting an inner revulsion, then maybe there is a hard decision on the horizon for you. You will spend probably 40 years minimum with your spouse and half or less of that time will be spent parenting. So as a woman, is this someone you want to love?
It's possible that counseling can help, it would be up to your husband as to how effective it would be (both his willingness and his capacity).
Best wishes
Thank you so much for your insight Puma-- you really have a wonderful, unique perspective to offer. I feel like our society is very wacky in that nuclear families are the norm. I think that many of my issues with DH would be relieved if we were living in a more communal setting-- I can see myself happily parenting with a group of women, "coupling" with DH for a certain part of the day, and DH getting support/stress relief from a group of male friends, allowing him to parent DS more patiently. We live for part of the year in Peru (DH's home country) and I notice that these issues more or less diminish when we're there because our living situation is much more communal. DH spends time with his friends, I get support from his mom and female friends, and the tension doesn't build. The plan is to move back to Peru permanently (not just because of this issue, but that plays into it) although financially we seem a long way from making that happen.
I actually signed back on to apologize to MrsBone for completely high-jacking this thread :/. Sorry!! Your post just hit so close to home, and it's such a relief to have people to talk about this with. Thank you for allowing me that space! <3
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
SAHM to DS BuggaBoo 12/07, and DD Doozer 03/10. Sharing life with The Hubby since 01/05.
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
Very glad that you are feeling positive about this and I hope the course helps you both.
I myself would not accept the responsibility to teach and coach my partner. After all, I didn't (and you probably don't) have the luxury of a coach who is giving you play-by-play directions on how to parent. Parenting itself is hard enough without having to carry your partner too. But if you are willing and it works for you then I hope you see the improvements you are seeking!
So glad to hear that you feel you're making progress MrsBone. I hope the e-course works well for you guys-- let us know how it goes!!
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)
I'm in the same spot MrsBone. It would be ideal if DH could get it together and figure out how to deal with his emotions/temper and how to parent peacefully-- on his own. But I don't see that happening. He is willing to work on it, but he seems to need "coaching." In some ways it makes sense-- he has no experience with kids, I have tons. He's been controlled by his impatience and temper his whole life (I highly suspect he has ADHD) -- I have an outside perspective and can offer ideas and solutions for dealing with them more productively (but only if he's open and willing to change, of course.) As long as he's wiling to make an effort, I'm willing to help him make that effort-- if that makes sense.
It's not the ideal dynamic-- I already feel like I mother him more than I would like. But it is what it is. Like you said MrsBone, the other options are to give up on the marriage or to do all the parenting alone. And while separation often seems like it would be easier, I know that it comes with its own struggles.
I did parent alone although I stayed married.
I was not by any means going to be an enabler to two adult males in addition to my other challenges. I basically don't think it's a woman's responsibility to create fatherhood. That should be the creation of the father under his own initiative, IMO.
I'm extremely disappointed in the lack of initiative, motivation, and effort that most men (not all, of course) put into raising their children and the burden that they put on their partners in the traditional family structure. This is a very typical problem. It's a societal problem. I have been investigating solutions through researching family law, feminism, and nontraditional family structures ever since having this experience myself.
The most important discussion, I think, should take place on fathering sites, where men work together to develop their skills and offer support to each other. We could have a male-designed concept of fatherhood rather than patriarchy as the dominant paradigm.
I like to encourage women to look critically at the situation and consider options rather than just cope with the current paradigm. Which I did here, and I think that it was a good discussion. This discussion may be read by others and it may help them too, men and women alike.
Even though you are taking a different approach than I would or did, of course I'm genuinely glad for you if you feel that you have a potential solution for the frustrations that initiated this thread.
Gitanamama - I just wanted to comment on this because it leapt off the page (screen) at me :
' I can see myself happily parenting with a group of women, "coupling" with DH for a certain part of the day, and DH getting support/stress relief from a group of male friends, allowing him to parent DS more patiently. '
This is an awesome vision you have and I can feel how peaceful you are about it. Can you find ways to have some of these things in your present life by becoming more involved in your community? I don't claim to have marriage figured out but dh and I do put a great deal of effort into our personal growth as well as our marriage and parenting and we have seen the fruits of our labor. Most of that in the past year, year 10 of marriage. We are both involved in groups in our community and talk on a regular basis about making sure the time spent in/outside the family is the right balance. He is involved in entrepreneur mentoring and networking events and I'm involved in a knitting group and homeschool group / moms nights out. For each of us this helps recharge us and fuel our creative energy, which does translate to more patient parenting.
And one thought I had - The one thing dh and I do that helps everyone is to bite our tongues and remove ourselves from frustrating situations. There is no rule that says you need to react to anyone's bad behavior in the heat of the moment. Our children do receive consequences for bad behavior but depending on the situation it may be after I went upstairs and paced around or listened to music. I started doing this myself because I have a tendency to lose it and yell, but I also asked dh to try it and it works for him too. Keeps the kids from seeing this as an okay way to act and keeps you from regretting it later.
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Federal Court Strikes Down Defense of Marriage Act
In one of the most important gay rights cases ever decided, a federal appeals court in
Enacted in 1996, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) defines marriage as one-man/one-woman. This means that same-sex couples do not gain the same financial benefits as heterosexual marriages. For the plaintiff in Windsor v. United States, this meant that, when her partner died, she was denied the spousal deduction for federal estate taxes in the amount of $363,000. She sued in federal court, challenging the constitutionality of DOMA under the Equal Protection Clause of the United States Constitution. The Second Circuit Court of Appeals agreed with her and DOMA was struck down.
Like many ground-breaking court decisions, the
While federal tax law allows the surviving spouse to avoid estate taxes, DOMA does not apply to same-sex couples. Although Edie and Thea were married in
The Equal Protection Clause
Enacted in 1868 in the aftermath of the Civil War, the Equal Protection Clause is part of the Fourteenth Amendment. Like most constitutional provisions, the Equal Protection Clause is brief: "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." However, although the clause is phrased as an absolute, the courts have not interpreted it that way. Most laws do not violate the Equal Protection Clause so long as the legislature had any reasonable or conceivable basis to pass the law, even if it distinguishes between different classes of people and even if the law is a bad idea. All laws favor someone or something over something else, so, in most cases, "rational basis" review means the legislature can do what it pleases. Economic legislation that favors one class of individuals over another is almost always constitutional under the Equal Protection Clause.
Courts treat equal protection claims differently based on the nature of the discrimination or unequal treatment. One of the reasons the Supreme Court gives the government much leeway in treating people differently under the Equal Protection Clause is that, under American democratic principles, majority rules. In 1973, for example, the Supreme Court held that laws that discriminate against the poor do not violate the Constitution. But the courts have also identified certain classes that are protected from discrimination under the Constitution. Majority rule cannot always proceed unfettered. A counter-majoritarian principle courses through constitutional law in certain cases.
The Supreme Court began to affirmatively protect certain groups under the Equal Protection Clause in 1938. The Court in United States v. Caroline Products said that, "[P]rejudice against discrete and insular minorities may be a special condition, which tends to curtail the operation of those political processes ordinarily to be relied upon to protect minorities, and which may call for a correspondingly more searching judicial inquiry." In other words, "discrete and insular minorities" are protected from government-sponsored discrimination under the Constitution.
As noted above, the poor do not gain special protection under the Constitution. But the Supreme Court quickly applied the "discrete and insular minorities" standard to African Americans and others who suffered discrimination on the basis of national origin. It is now a settled constitutional principle that discrimination on the basis of race or national origin cannot be justified without a compelling government interest. That compelling interest must be accomplished through the least restrictive means possible. Since the courts closely scrutinize this kind of discrimination to ensure that it satisfies constitutional standards, courts call this the "strict scrutiny" test. Under strict scrutiny, nearly all government-sponsored discrimination on the basis of race or national origin is unconstitutional. An example of strict scrutiny in striking down a racist law was in Loving v. Virginia, when the Supreme Court, in 1967, held that a prohibition against inter-racial marriage was unconstitutional.
As there was no compelling reason to prohibit blacks from marrying whites, the
In the 1970s, the Supreme Court added an important wrinkle to its equal protection jurisprudence. Recognizing in 1973 that "our Nation has had a long and unfortunate history of sex discrimination," the Court ruled three years later that government-sponsored discrimination against women is reviewed under "intermediate scrutiny." Under this level of court review, gender discrimination is constitutional only if the government can show that the discrimination is substantially related to an important government interest. Intermediate scrutiny is less predictable or rigid than strict scrutiny and it grants the government more flexibility in regulating differences between men and women based on, for example, physical strength. On the other hand, stereotypes about women will not survive constitutional review, and it is also no justification that a challenged policy is longstanding, i.e., "we've always done it this way." Rather, the government needs an "exceedingly persuasive justification" for discriminating against women. A recent example of the Court's application of intermediate scrutiny was United States v. Virginia, when the Court in 1996 held that the Virginia Military Institute's sex-based admission violated the Constitution even though the state had proposed a parallel school for women.
Protecting Gays and Lesbians
What's the standard of review for discrimination against gays and lesbians? The Supreme Court has never taken on that issue. For years, discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation was not accorded any degree of heightened court scrutiny under the Constitution and for that reason gays and lesbians were not deemed a suspect class under the Equal Protection Clause. That meant that governmental discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation was usually legal. However, on October 18, 2012, the Second Circuit Court of Appeals—one level below the Supreme Court—surprised the legal community in finding that discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation should not be reviewed under the lenient rational basis review but, instead, the same intermediate scrutiny that governs review of gender discrimination claims. Gays and lesbians are now a quasi-suspect class under the Constitution. This is significant, and it makes Windsor v. United States one of the most important legal developments in the march toward equality. Under this ruling, gays and lesbians have new protections against discrimination.
A ruling like this was unthinkable a generation ago. Even more surprising, Windsor was written by one of the most conservative judges on the Court of Appeals, Dennis Jacobs, who in 2008 criticized pro bono litigation, stating that, "we should as a profession consider dispassionately whether some public interest litigation has become an anti-social influence, whether the promotion of social and political agendas in the courts is in any real sense a service to the public, and whether the public interest would be best served by initiatives to abate somewhat the power of judges and lawyers and the legal profession as an interest group."
In reviewing the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act, Judge Jacobs noted that, "the law was passed by overwhelming bipartisan majorities in both houses of Congress; it has varying impact on more than a thousand federal laws; and the definition of marriage it affirms has been long-supported and encouraged." But under the counter-majoritarian principle that governs heightened judicial scrutiny under the Equal Protection Clause, the fact that DOMA had bi-partisan support and reflects long-held principles does not matter.
The Second Circuit summarized the multi-part test for determining whether a class of people are entitled to heightened judicial review when they claim discrimination under the Equal Protection Clause: "The Supreme Court uses certain factors to decide whether a new classification qualifies as a quasi-suspect class. They include: A) whether the class has been historically 'subjected to discrimination'; B) whether the class has a defining characteristic that 'frequently bears [a] relation to ability to perform or contribute to society'; C) whether the class exhibits 'obvious, immutable, or distinguishing characteristics that define them as a discrete group'; and D) whether the class is 'a minority or politically powerless.'"
Under this multi-part standard, gays and lesbians satisfy this test and are quasi-suspect classes in the Second Circuit, which means that discrimination against gays and lesbians are easier to challenge in court. The Court of Appeals concludes: "In this case, all four factors justify heightened scrutiny: A) homosexuals as a group have historically endured persecution and discrimination; B) homosexuality has no relation to aptitude or ability to contribute to society; C) homosexuals are a discernible group with non-obvious distinguishing characteristics, especially in the subset of those who enter same-sex marriages; and D) the class remains a politically weakened minority."
The first factor is not a close call for the Court of Appeals. "It is easy to conclude that homosexuals have suffered a history of discrimination…. Perhaps the most telling proof of animus and discrimination against homosexuals in this country is that, for many years and in many states, homosexual conduct was criminal." True, it was not until 2003 that the Supreme Court said that laws prohibiting gay sex violate the Constitution and that such laws "demean" the existence of same-sex couples and "controlled their destiny." In addition, under the second factor, "homosexuality bears no relation to any ability to perform or contribute to society." The court added, "There are some distinguishing characteristics, such as age or mental handicap, that may arguably inhibit an individual's ability to contribute to society, at least in some respect. But homosexuality is not one of them. The aversion homosexuals experience has nothing to do with aptitude or performance." Under the third factor, the Court finds that "homosexuality is a sufficiently discernible characteristic to define a discrete minority class." In other words, "The class affected by Section 3 of DOMA is composed entirely of persons of the same sex who have married each other. Such persons constitute a subset of the larger category of homosexuals; but …there is nothing amorphous, capricious, or tentative about their sexual orientation." Finally, under the fourth factor, gays and lesbians do not have the political power to insulate themselves from discrimination. "It is safe to say that the seemingly small number of acknowledged homosexuals so situated is attributable either to a hostility that excludes them or to a hostility that keeps their sexual preference private, which, for our purposes, amounts to much the same thing. Moreover, the same considerations can be expected to suppress some degree of political activity by inhibiting the kind of open association that advances political agendas."
Now that the Court of Appeals has decided that discrimination against same-sex couples is reviewed under heightened judicial scrutiny, the reasons offered in defense of DOMA's spousal-benefits law are not good enough to save the statute, and the court strikes it down. These reasons include: (1) the need to maintain a uniform definition of marriage; (2) protecting the public fisc and (3) preserving the traditional definition of marriage. Saving money and promoting long-held social views are not enough to satisfy heightened judicial review under the Equal Protection Clause. As to the third factor, "tradition is hard to justify as meeting the more demanding test of having a substantial relation to an important government interest. Similar appeals to tradition were made and rejected in litigation concerning anti-sodomy laws." The Court also says that it's no justification to say that Congress wanted to encourage responsible procreation (an argument that many states have made in justifying the prohibition against same-sex marriage). "DOMA does not provide any incremental reason for opposite-sex couples to engage in 'responsible procreation.' Incentives for opposite-sex couples to marry and procreate (or not) were the same after DOMA was enacted as they were before."
Next Stop: Supreme Court
The trend in favor of gay rights over the last 20 years includes two prominent Supreme Court cases: its ruling in Romer v. Evans (1996) that struck down a voter initiative that prohibited the state of
Yet, while these developments have advanced gay rights at the state level, few courts have rejected federal restrictions against gay rights. The Second Circuit is not the first federal court to strike down DOMA. On May 31, 2012, a federal appeals court in
Stephen Bergstein is a lawyer in upstate

subset: commoncrawl


text:
International Journal of Antennas and Propagation
Volume 2013 (2013), Article ID 917676, 6 pages
Design of Multilayer Dielectric Cover to Enhance Gain and Efficiency of Slot Arrays
1Dipartimento di Ingegneria Elettrica ed Elettronica, Università di Cagliari, Piazza D'Armi, 09123 Cagliari, Italy
2College of Electronics Science and Engineering, National University of Defense Technology, Changsha 410073, China
Received 21 March 2013; Accepted 15 May 2013
Academic Editor: Massimiliano Pieraccini
Copyright © 2013 Giorgio Montisci et al. This is an open access article distributed under the Creative Commons Attribution License, which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.
An effective design procedure, based on the Elliot synthesis method, is proposed to investigate the properties of waveguide slot arrays with multilayer dielectric cover. Then, the features of the designed arrays are analyzed by means of a FEM commercial software, namely, Ansys HFSS 13. We show how a proper choice of the dielectric cover configuration allows increasing the array gain and aperture efficiency, while taking advantage of the properties of the radome structure, in terms of insulation, protection, and pressurization of the radiating waveguides. Therefore, a significant outcome of the optimal choice of the multilayer dielectric cover is the reduction of the number of slots with respect to an array radiating into free space with the same gain and efficiency, with a consequent reduction of the production cost.
1. Introduction
Microwave antennas can be realized using either reflectors or arrays of different kinds of radiating elements [1]. The latter have typically a smaller bandwidth, but they are more compact, lighter, and particularly suitable for low profile applications [2].
A common solution for the realization of high-performance antennas in the whole microwave frequency range is the use of waveguide slot arrays [3–7]. This choice provides high gain, high efficiency, mechanical strength, and a very good polarization purity [3, 8]. Many practical applications require that waveguide slot arrays are covered by a dielectric material either for protection or thermal insulation, aerodynamic purposes, or pressurization of the radiating waveguides [9].
The standard Elliott design procedure [3] for a waveguide array of longitudinal slots has been extended to a single-layer dielectric-covered slot array by Casula and Montisci [9] and Jin et al. [10]. However, sometimes a multilayer dielectric cover is required, as in the case of flat sandwich radomes used mainly for thermal insulation and protection [11].
Radomes are usually chosen and applied after the antenna has been designed and realized. Therefore, their geometric parameters, shape, and dielectric properties must be selected in order to reduce as much as possible their impact in the radiating and circuital properties of the antenna [12]. These precautions are not required if the radome is included in the antenna since the beginning, so that it can be taken into account in the analysis and design procedures. In this way, the performance of the designed antenna is not negatively affected by the presence of the radome structure. As a consequence, the geometry and dielectric properties of the radome can be selected for optimization of thermal insulation and protection or even designed in order to obtain the best tradeoff between the required antenna performance and the necessity of insulation or protection.
To address this task we need the following:(a)a design procedure for an array of slots with a multilayer dielectric cover;(b)a criterion to choose the dielectric cover configuration in order to optimize the radiating properties of the antenna.
The choice of point (b) must be made among the set of covers able to give the required mechanical and thermal behavior. The determination of such set is, of course, outside the scope of this work.
Then, once a solution is available for the above points (a) and (b), the antenna designer is fully aware of all the implications of the choice of a particular configuration of radome (from both electromagnetic, thermodynamics, and material science point of view) and has enough information to achieve the optimal tradeoff based on the design specifications.
Therefore, first of all we need to extend the Elliott design procedure to the case of a multilayer dielectric-covered waveguide slot array, complying with (a). This task has been performed in a very effective manner, exploiting the wide experience of the authors' research groups on waveguide slot antennas [5, 6, 9, 10]. Then, the array design procedure has been used to investigate the behavior of a multilayer dielectric-covered array.
The aim of this work is to show how a proper choice of the multilayer dielectric cover allows achieving the desirable insulation and protection, while improving the antenna gain and aperture efficiency. The basic idea of the proposed solution has been introduced by Von Trentini [13] in 1956. In that paper, the author studies the increase in directivity of an array of circular apertures by placing a partially reflecting sheet in front of the antenna, exploiting the multiple reflections between the antenna ground plane and the partially reflecting sheet. More recently, this strategy has been applied to microstrip antennas by many authors (see, e.g., [14–17]). However, to the best of the authors' knowledge, a discussion on the use of a multilayer dielectric cover to improve gain and efficiency of waveguide slot arrays is not available in the literature. This is quite surprising since the improvement for waveguide slot arrays is large because of their very high manufacturing cost compared, for example, to microstrip antennas. In this contest, a suitable configuration of the dielectric cover provides a reduction of the number of slots with respect to an array radiating into free space with the same gain and efficiency, thus allowing a significant reduction of the production cost. Actually, compared to an array radiating into free space, an optimized dielectric covered array results in a low increase of the manufacturing cost for the realization of the dielectric cover against a significant saving due to the reduction of the number of slots and radiating guides and the simplification of the feeding network.
In this paper, we have considered a slot array with a single feeding waveguide [9, 18]. However, the results of this work apply also to arrays with different feeding networks, wherein the configuration used in this paper can be considered as a subarray of a more complex structure [19–21].
The properties of the designed dielectric-covered arrays have been investigated by using Ansys HFSS, which, at least for waveguide slot arrays, can be considered equivalent to experiment as reported, for example, in [19, 22].
2. Design of the Dielectric Cover
The reasons for a dielectric cover are usually insulation and protection so that it is considered as a parasitic structure and, therefore, the smaller its effect on the antenna behavior, the best the cover. However, since in many cases its presence is needed, we can face the problem the other way, that is, by using the dielectric cover to improve the antenna performance, and, in particular, as we will show next in this section, maximize the array gain. In order to illustrate this feature, we select here the basic configuration of a two-layer dielectric cover (see Figure 1(a)), designed according to [13].
The first layer is a substrate with low dielectric permittivity (air or foam) of proper thickness, and the second layer is a substrate with high-dielectric permittivity acting as a partially reflecting sheet. Let the reflection coefficient of this sheet in the broadside direction be .
We define by , and , , the thicknesses and dielectric permittivities of the first and second layer, respectively (Figure 1). The thickness of the first layer has been chosen in order to ensure the maximum radiated power in the broadside direction. As derived in [13], the radiated power density is wherein is the angle from broadside and , being the free-space wavelength. Of course, in (1) the amplitude and the phase of the reflection coefficient of the sheet are functions of the angle . For a pencil-beam slot array, we are interested in the case (broadside direction).
The maximum can be obtained by maximizing (1), which gives wherein is integer.
Equation (2) allows computing the optimal dielectric thickness as wherein is chosen to obtain the smallest positive .
The maximum power depends on , too. As a matter of fact, the second layer acts as a partially reflecting sheet and, as shown in [13], the larger the reflectivity of this sheet, the higher the array gain. This is achieved when is as high as possible (in the following we choose it equal to 9.8) and is as reported also in [16] for the case of a microstrip antenna.
The presence of the dielectric cover modifies the radiating properties and the input matching of the array. This effect can be minimized using accurate design procedures, based on the Elliott model, and including the radome in the antenna structure [9] allows achieving the required input matching and far-field pattern. To improve the antenna behavior, a closer look to the performance of a double-layer dielectric cover for a slot array is in order. More precisely, in the next section we will show how a cover, designed according to (1)–(3), can improve the array aperture efficiency (and gain).
3. Performance of the Dielectric-Covered Arrays
We tested the proposed solution on the following examples:(a) 6 × 6 planar array with two-layer dielectric cover;(b) 8 × 8 planar array radiating into free space;(c) 8 × 8 planar array with two-layer dielectric cover;(d) 10 × 10 planar array radiating into free space.
Since the reduction in the number of slots is a significant outcome of our discussion, we will compare not only arrays (b) and (c) but also array (a) with (b) and array (c) with (d).
As a matter of fact, a free-space slot array and a dielectric-covered one do not compete for the same applications. So, an array with the two-layer cover considered here should be compared with a standard dielectric-covered array [9]. However, the performance of a free-space array is better than or equal to the one of a single-layer dielectric-covered array with the same size and number of slots. Therefore, we decided to use the former in the comparison, for sake of clarity.
The design of the dielectric-covered arrays has been done by using the standard Elliott iterative technique extended to the case of a multilayer dielectric cover. The procedure described in [23] has been used for the computation of the slot self-admittance, but evaluating the Green's function in the external region as reported in [24]. The external mutual coupling has been computed with the same approach presented in [10], extended to the multilayer case.
The operating frequency has been selected equal to 9 GHz and, for all the examples considered here, we have required side lobes below . However, in the dielectric cover cases the excitations of the slots must be chosen in order to take into account that each slot radiates into a half space with a thick dielectric cover and the effect of the element factor cannot be neglected. In fact, the principle of "multiple reflections" applies to the field of the single radiating slot as well and strongly affects the array pattern. Therefore, in order to achieve the required amplitude distribution, the element factor has been properly taken into account by using a procedure for array pattern synthesis with the constraint of real excitations [25].
The chosen array geometry is shown in Figure 1, and employs a popular feeding technique [9]. Both the radiating and the feeding waveguides are half-height WR90 ( = 22.86 mm, = 5.08 mm, and waveguide wall thickness = 1 mm), the length of the coupling slots is 17.1 mm, their width is 1.5 mm, and the tilt angle is . The width of the radiating slots is 1.58 mm.
Let us define as the side of the smallest square region that includes all the radiating guides and as the side of the square metallic plate in which the slots are cut. The dielectric cover lies on this metallic plate and has, therefore, the same square extension with side (see Figure 1(a)). Of course , and the latter is dictated by the guide width and by the number of slots. For the arrays radiating into free space, has been chosen about 15 mm larger than in order to avoid second order effects in the far-field pattern due to the finite extension of the metallic plate. On the other hand, for the arrays with the dielectric cover, is a degree of freedom and must be suitably chosen in order to fully exploit the principle of multiple reflections, and then maximize the array gain and its aperture efficiency, defined as , wherein is the free-space wavelength.
According to the design rules of Section 2, the following parameters have been selected for the two-layer dielectric cover: (i) first layer (foam):, , (ii) second layer: , , .
The designed arrays have been simulated with Ansys HFSS. The HFSS model takes into account the finite size of the ground plane, in which the radiating slots are cut, by using a radiation box which encloses the entire structure depicted in Figure 1. The dielectric losses have also been included in this model.
The main results are shown in Figures 2 and 3, where the gain and efficiency of an array with the two-layer dielectric cover are evaluated for different . It appears that the highest gain is obtained for equal to 210 mm for a 6 × 6 array and equal to 260 mm for an 8 × 8 array. The corresponding values are shown in Table 1, together with the values for arrays without the dielectric cover. The results for some arrays with a smaller are also shown, of course only for the dielectric-cover case. It is clear that the gain depends essentially on the size of the ground plane, but the dielectric cover case achieves the same gain with a smaller number of slots and therefore allows for a smaller . The importance of this consideration comes out looking at the efficiency curves of Figures 2 and 3. It is clear that a reduction of causes a significant increase of the efficiency. In other words, the strongly reflecting dielectric cover allows a significantly better use of the ground plane extension. The comparison of the data in Table 1 shows that the efficiency of an 8 × 8 array with a ground plane of 210 mm increases from 65%, for the free-space array, to 87%, for the array with dielectric cover, whereas the gain increases of about 1.3 dB. Of course, this is true as long as the presence of the dielectric cover is taken into account from the beginning into the design procedure [9].
In order to complete the evaluation, in Figure 4 we show the comparison between the far-fields of arrays (a) and (b) for and in Figure 5 the one between far-fields of arrays (c) and (d) for . Then, in Figure 6, the comparison of the frequency responses is also reported.
From the results of Table 1 and Figures 4, 5, and 6, it is apparent that an array radiating into free space has the same radiating properties and bandwidth of a array with dielectric cover (with the same ), and a array radiating into free space is equivalent to an array with dielectric cover (with the same ).
Till now, we have considered only the case of a double-layer dielectric cover. However, the same considerations can be carried out also for different dielectric cover configurations. For example, we can use a (three-layer) sandwich radome, wherein a further dielectric layer is inserted beneath the foam of the two-layer configuration, to increase the pressurization of the radiating waveguides [9]. In particular, if we add a layer with , , and , we find that the thickness of the foam must be slightly reduced to optimize the array gain (from 15.8 mm of the two-layer case to 15.6 mm).
Both for a 6 × 6 array and for an 8 × 8 one, using this dielectric cover, we have found virtually the same optimal values of and array gain, and the same efficiency as in the case of the two-layer dielectric cover reported in Table 1.
4. Conclusion
In this paper, we show how to turn a potentially harmful structural requirement, the need for a dielectric radome, into an opportunity for planar slot arrays. The presented results show that a suitably designed dielectric cover allows reducing the number of slots by about one-third or even more, without affecting the array performance. This reduction and the consequent reduction in radiating guides and feeding networks will lower significantly the weight and the production cost, of a planar slot array.
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text:
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: Push The Sky Away (Bad Seed Ltd)
WE know the Bad Seeds remain a band with fangs whose frontman can still roar and snarl with the best of them.
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We know because we have the evidence: two albums by Grinderman, Cave's garage rock side project, and Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!, the Bad Seeds' shouty 2008 offering.
With that in mind, the poise and control shown by all concerned on Push The Sky Away is doubly impressive – and makes the nine-song set feel doubly menacing. It's as tight and quiet as a coiled snake waiting to strike.
And strike it does. Opener We No Who U R, an intense ballad framed by woody, organic instrumentation, sets the tone for most of what follows.
Mermaids feature prominently – hanging by their hair from lamp-posts, in one particularly vivid lyric – though whether they're metaphor or mirage is hard to say.
The usual elemental concerns return too – God, sex, love – and only in Cave's hands could "catch", "match" and "snatch" form such a startling image, as happens in Mermaids' brutal-yet-tender opening salvo.
A powerful return to the cutting edge from a 55-year-old artist fast approaching elder statesman status.
Barry Didcock


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Can Kiyoshi Hikawa save enka?
Enka — usually, but imperfectly, translated as "Japanese ballads" — has fallen to an all-time low in terms of popularity, accounting for less than 10 percent of music sales in Japan.
One of the problems with enka is its hopelessly square image. Each week, music trade paper Oricon has several ads for the latest enka releases, and they feature either stuffy-looking, kimono-clad obasan or geezers with bad suits and punch perms who look like rejects from a Tora-san movie.
As for the music, well, formulaic doesn't begin to describe the cliched structure of contemporary enka songs, in contrast to the high standard of songwriting that characterized enka in its heyday some 30 or 40 years ago. These days, most enka artists sing in a paint-by-numbers style, with zero feeling showing through the rigid facade. (Classic belter Sayuri Ishikawa is one exception.)
With his youthful (he's 25) good looks, charisma and passionate singing style, Hikawa is enka's brightest hope in many a long year. His latest single, "Hoshizora no Akiko (Akiko in the Starry Sky)," recently peaked at No. 3 on the Oricon singles chart.
The song features a gloriously cheesy arrangement that's over-the-top even by enka standards, including great washes of strings, spaghetti Western-style trumpet, gimmicky percussion effects and a belching horn section.
What saves "Hoshizora no Akiko" from degenerating into outright parody is Hikawa's brilliant singing. Like the great enka singers of the past, he squeezes every last bit of emotion from each syllable. What sets Hikawa apart from other enka singers is the assurance and power of his vocal style — you can hear his passion as he sings lines like "Ano hi . . . ano toki . . . ano yume o . . . Mo ichido . . . Akiko (That day . . . that time . . . that dream . . . One more time . . . Akiko)."
Hikawa decided on the distinctly unfashionable career choice of enka singer when, as a member of his high school entertainment club, he sang at an old people's home and brought tears to the eyes of the residents there. A touching story that strikes just the right sentimental note.
After graduating from high school, Hikawa went to Tokyo and served as an apprentice to enka composer Hideo Mizumori for three years. He made his debut as a recording artist in February 2000 with his single "Hakone Hachirino Hanjiro," and that year Hikawa took part in NHK's annual, yearend song contest. He had arrived.
I think it's fair to say that a lot of Hikawa's popularity is due to the novelty factor of his youth; most male enka singers look like they've been driving trucks up and down the Tomei Highway for 20 years while living on a diet of ramen, shochu and shabu (speed).
Hikawa, on the other hand, looks like he's just qualified for his scooter license. Then there's his weirdly tacky taste in clothes: I mean, a pink-and-brown striped suit? The cover of "Hoshizora no Akiko" features him wearing a bizarre high-collared blue tunic with a silver stripe and a large silver star stuck onto the collar — he looks like he's about to zap Mothra with his ray gun.
Reviving enka is all very well, but ultimately the genre can be a stylistic straitjacket — my advice (entirely unsolicited) is for Hikawa to start getting into pop. And speaking of straitjackets, that would also give him an excuse to dump those tacky threads.
* * * * *
Producer Tsunku — the Svengali behind Morning Musume — is preparing a major reshuffle of the ultra-popular female idol group and its various subunits (Mini Moni, Coconuts Musume, Country Musume, Tanpopo, Puchimoni et al.). The plan is to have 15 elementary school girls join Tsunku's Hello! Project stable of artists, from which he will select new members of MM and its spinoff groups by next spring.
Meanwhile, MM "leader" Maki Goto will "graduate" from the group on Sept. 23 — her 17th birthday — to pursue her solo career full-time. Goto's fourth single, "Yaru Ki — It's Easy," has just been released, and I have to say that it's a rather weak effort, with a boring arrangement and a lackluster vocal performance. I think she'll have to do better than this if she wants to make it as a solo artist.


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If you need to move in a hurry, you might well wonder how to sell your home fast. Here are four things that will help you sell your home fast.Read more
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La Piedra Coasters
La Piedra Coasters
Handcrafted in Mexico by
Peca Design Studio
This is our go-to gift – hostesses, bosses, dads, long-lost cousins. No matter how tough the critic or distant the relative, this coaster set is sure to impress.
Hand-carved in jet-black volcanic rock and white marble stone, these handsome devils take several days to complete. Each one is made start-to-finish in a fair trade environment in a design studio in Tonalá, Guadalajara. MORE >
Note: These coasters come in a set of six, with three white marble and three black volcanic pieces. There's an even mix of hexagons and circles included in each set. Coasters have cork backings to protect surfaces from scratches.
3 white marble coasters - 2 circles, 1 hexagon
3 black volcanic rock coasters - 1 circle, 2 hexagons
- MEASUREMENTS: 4" diameter
- MATERIALS: White marble and volcanic rock
- COLORS: White and black
- ORIGIN: Mexico
- MADE IN SMALL BATCHES: Comes with hand-numbered tag
Use a damp cloth to wipe clean as needed. Avoid using any chemical solvents or strong detergents.


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Here's that series that pairs up the restaurant folks behind your fave wine lists.
The duo in this installment are Jon Erickson from Jaynes Gastropub and the newly promoted wine director at a few Hotel Del Coronado venues, Joe Weaver. Here they share advice about wine-pairing challenges. They even share their desert island wine picks. One of our wine gurus is an admitted "acid head."
Jon Erickson, Jaynes Gastropub Owner, Wine Director ("Plumber, Busser, Bouncer, you name it," he adds)
Q: Jon, where did you learn about wine?
A: At Jaynes and by drinking what seems like an endless procession of great bottles with my friends and guests. Wine without food and friends is pointless. The most important thing I was taught early on was to trust my instincts and to develop my own palate.
Jaynes Gastropub Natural Wine Tasting Series: Best of Rosé
Get into the gastropub's garden and taste a full range of "summer's favorite sipper" from a 1998 R. Lopez De Heredia to Robert Sinskey Vin Gris of Pinot Noir to a scene stealing Domaine Tempier Rosé.
4 to 6 p.m. Saturday, July 15, Jaynes Gastropub, 4677 30th St., North Park. (619) 563-1011. $20; jaynesgastropub.com
Q: What are a few of Jayne's top-selling varietals (everyone expects Chardonnay to rule a wine menu, right)?
A: We gutted our list of easy picks like California Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon about a year into our wine program. Wine varieties that are most popular at Jaynes include Ribolla-Gialla from Slovenia and Sangiovese Grosso in Brunello di Montalcino from Tuscany. We also do brisk sales of Rosé from all over the world, especially those from Provence.
Q: What's the one wine-pairing rule you live by?
A: When it comes to enjoying wine with food, there's nothing like a high-acid wine. I'm an acid head.
Erickson's training: self taught
Number of different labels at Jaynes Gastropub: 75
Happy hour: $6 by-the-glass red and white wines, Tuesdays through Saturdays, 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.
Q: If there were only one wine region in left in the whole world, who would you want it to be?
A: Northern Italy. My reds would come from Barbaresco and Barolo in Piedmont, and my whites would source from the neighboring wine-producing regions of Friuli-Venezia Giulia and Brda, Slovenia.
Q: What one bottle of wine would you want to be trapped on a desert island with?
A: 2004 Produttori Del Barbaresco Rabajà. I'm going to need a lot of wine, so I'm picking a relatively affordable bottle so I can bring a lot. This wine is built for the long-haul and can change radically over time. If I buried a few cases in the sand I could slowly enjoy them over the next 30 years.
Joe Weaver, Manager/Wine Director for the Hotel Del Coronado's 1500 Ocean and Eno Wine Room (and members-only Windsor Club Cottage)
Weaver's certification: Certified Sommelier (Level II), the Court of Master Sommeliers. Wine & Spirit Education Trust, advanced certificate.
Number of different labels: 1,000 over three outlets. "This is not counting bottles that are held off the list for further aging."
Wine list leans toward: "We sell a ton of Riesling. I find the high acid of the varietal along with the small amount of sugar that you sometimes see works beautifully with (chef Aaron Martinez's) very acid-driven dishes."
Q: Joe, where have you sommed before?
A: I got my first job as a "somm" at the Ivy Hotel (now Andaz) downtown. After that I took over as the wine director at Crescent Heights on E. Broadway. And I have been at the Del a little more than two years now.
$5 Fridays at Eno Wine Room
Hotel Del Coronado, 1500 Orange Ave., Coronado. 619-522-8546; hoteldel.com/eno-wine.aspx
5 p.m. to 7 p.m., every Friday slip into the cask-room lounge or catch sunset on the roped off Eno patio along the Grand Dame's walkway. And choose from a rotating selection of five wines, $5 each. No RSVPs needed.
Q: What's the one wine-pairing rule you live by?
A: Don't get too dogmatic. At the end of the day we're talking about things that just taste good. Playing around and trying new combinations is the whole point.
Q: What one bottle of wine would you want to be trapped on a desert island with?
A: This changes every day, but right now it would be a 99 Chartogne-Taillet. A great little grower Champagne, and the bubbles go perfectly with this hot weather.
keli.dailey@uniontribcom (619) 293-1541; Twitter @kelidaileyCopyright © 2017, The San Diego Union-Tribune


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I'm ready to begin the adoption process. What should I do first?
Families and individuals interested in adoption must be approved through a family assessment (also known as the adoption home study) before a child can be placed in their home. The family assessment must be completed by a licensed child-placing agency. (Licensed child-placing agency is a private adoption agency or a local Department of Human Services).


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More over-exposed stars of the 80s
Here are the nominees. You tell us who wins or who we missed:
Harrison Ford: Does anyone really go to movies to see him anymore? We're not sure we'd pay money to even rent his latest flick, Firewall, when it hits the video stores. He's a testy celebrity at best, a lousy interview, and hasn't made a decent movie in a decade. And he's clearly in a delusional state if he thinks he can play Indiana Jones again at age 63.
Michael Jackson: He's gone, folks. Done making music. Nowadays, he just visits Dubai dressed as a woman and pretends to drop babies from hotel balconies. Yet even news of his latest rumored project -- putting music to some of the prayers of the Pope John Paul II -- had the urgency normally reserved for catastrophic earthquakes. Let the King of Pop rest in peace.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I'm thinking of a number. Six. Yep, the number of decent movies starring Michelle Pfeiffer. And you have to go back to 1989's Fabulous Baker Boys for the last one. (That's 20 movies ago.)
Madonna: Losing her looks and her singing voice. Current status? Married to overrated British director and boring everyone to tears with her love of Kabbalah.
Tom Cruise: An obvious choice, since he seems to be irritating EVERY body these days. If he's not pushing Scientology on people, he's lighting into Matt Lauer or jumping over Oprah's couch. If Mission Impossible 3 is only half as bad as War of the Worlds, we'll all join your "church." Because that'll be a miracle in itself.


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D.C. Forecast: A weekend of fog, sunny peeks, and unseasonable warmth
This Afternoon: Partial Clearing, Mild
Highs: 56-60 | Wind: Calm
Tonight: Mostly Cloudy, Areas of Fog, Mild
Lows: 40-50 | Wind: SE 5 mph
Sunday: Fog & Drizzle, Then Pt. Sunny & Warm
Highs: 65-70 | Wind: SE 5-10 mph
Visibilities have improved across the area and all of the Dense Fog Advisories{ }are expiring at noon. Earlier today, visibilities as low as{ }10 to 20 feet were reported just west of the District.
Because of high pressure off the southeast coast, a steady stream of milder air is{ }moving our way.{ } But with a stationary front draped across central Virginia and very light winds, skies{ }won't clear completely{ }this afternoon.{ } Still, with peeks of sunshine, high temperatures could reach the upper 50s.{ }{ }
After a very mild night when temperatures don't fall much below 50, Mother Nature will offer a similar scenario on Sunday with a foggy, drizzly start to an otherwise very mild day.{ } More sunshine is expected tomorrow afternoon as the mercury could soar to near 70.{ } Such{ }an unseasonable temperature could make for{ }one of the mildest days in this most unusual of{ }winters.{ } Readings of 72, 62, and 59 on December 4th, 18th, and 21st, respectively, testify to a season that's forgotten that it belongs in the icebox!{ } Enjoy your Saturday.


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I'm not sure what, if anything, this says about the state of modern American cinema, but in my family we call the theater "the popcorn place that happens to show movies." If you're also the kind of person who prefers to consume her films with a heaping helping of hot popcorn, here are some delicious make-at-home alternatives to the big old grubby tub, worthy of your upcoming Oscars party or just your next date night with Netflix.
Spicy Popcorn with Piment d'Espelette and Marcona Almonds
And of course, if you're in a big hurry to get into your sweatpants and snuggle up on that couch, you can always go the quick and easy route with the winner of our recent Microwave Popcorn Taste Test.
Any other fabulous popcorn recipes to share among film-loving friends?


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Shoes for Orphan Souls is one of the many ministries your shoes benefited
Praise God!
We give God the glory for the amazing turn out and donations we received April 6 for our Rise UP 2013: Dance Your Shoes Off. We had over 200 people participate and there were 490 shoes donated that will help people of all ages in Montgomery and beyond. Thank you!!
Check out our facebook page for a photo album.
Your shoes blessed people through the following ministries:
- Forest Park Ministry Center, Montgomery, AL
- Community of Hope, Montgomery, AL
- Christian Service Center, Lanett, AL
- Etowah Baptist Missions Center, Gadsden, AL
- First Baptist Church in Tillman's Corner, Mobile, AL
- Project CARE, Robertsdale, AL
- Shelby Baptist Association, Columbiana, AL
- Oak Grove Baptist Church, Spartanburg, SC
- Buckner Interational's Shoes for Orphan Souls


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Tali Freaks is back with the wonderful 'Set The Sun'. This track comes in two flavours which are sure to grace many sets this coming summer. We last saw Tali Freaks deliver a strong deep fuelled remix on Tirrenia Vibe's 'Night Falls' which was very well received.
First up we have the Original Mix that gets right into a groovy deep vibe from the off as pounding kicks are met with a classy and funky bass that teases and teases. Cool flowing rhythms are formed out of a simple yet highly effective percussion arrangement. Smooth and delicate pads offer a true taste of deep house and these are complimented beautifully with some funky key work. A big focus here is the bass, it's a definite ass shaker as the floors will attest very soon.
Next up we have the Stradivarius Re Edit which comes at us with a pure deep house driven vibe. That funky bassline is superb as it bubbles along on its groovy path. Very cool drum patterns provide a solid rhythmic base for the track as it takes control of the floor. The break offers a cool insight to the bass as it constantly evolves alongside soft pads. Look out for those funky keys, they will get you moving in no time, a must have for any set.
#eyepatchrecordings #talifreaks
30 June 2014 Bonzai Progressive FEATURED RELEASES Eyepatch Recordings, Tali Freaks


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BP Comment Quick Links
|Strength of Schedule Report
May 29, 2012
Inside the 2012-16 CBA: The Luxury Tax Meets the Draft
This is Part 1 of a multi-part series on the latest Collective Bargaining Agreement
On November 22 of last year, Major League Baseball and the MLBPA did something that the NFL and the NBA could not: reached a new labor agreement without a work stoppage. For those that follow baseball's labor history, it has become a miraculous run. By the time the current five-year Basic Agreement (read here) expires on December 1, 2016, it will have been 21 years of uninterrupted labor peace.
As mentioned, the league and union for the players made their announcement on November 22 of last year, but that was just a memorandum of understanding, not the finalized agreement. It took 183 days for the 2012-16 CBA to be released, and with it, we can now begin digging through the 311 pages of details.
This CBA sees a series of sweeping changes from realignment, changes to interleague play, two additional Wild Card teams, and much more. The biggest change, however, comes to how the Rule 4 Draft: a possible International Draft and with details on how those are to be conducted, namely around the allocation of signing bonuses and draft pick compensation.
Draft Pick Compensation Gets a Major Overhaul
Getting a leg-up on agents, the league asked for (and got) a provision under which drafted players may now only sign minor league contracts. In other words, Stephen Strasburg-type deals are history. This, of course, hasn't sat well with player agents. As one agent said to me, "The union threw us (agents) under the bus with this (labor) deal."
The first big change in draft functionality has already taken place in terms of draft pick compensation for free agents. Moving forward, there will be no more Elias Rankings for A and B Types. Instead, during what is called the "Quiet Period"—the five days directly after the World Series is completed—clubs can make a "Qualifying Offer" to those players on their rosters that are deemed to be free agents.
This "Qualifying Offer" works as such:
During the Quiet Period, the former Club of a Qualified Free Agent may tender the Qualified Free Agent a one-year Uniform Player's Contract for the next succeeding season with a guaranteed salary that is equal to the average salary of the 125 highest-paid Players each year.
A separate attachment in the CBA describes how that salary average from the 125 highest-paid players is derived:
1, The 125 highest-paid Players initially shall be derived from all Players on a 40-man roster or 60-Day Disabled List on August 31 of the most recently completed season ("Eligible Players").
The player then has seven days to accept or reject the Qualifying Offer. If they reject that offer, the question of draft pick compensation comes into play:
(a) A Qualified Free Agent shall be subject to compensation only if: (i) his former Club tenders him a Qualifying Offer ….; (ii) the Player declines the Qualifying Offer or signs a contract with another Major League Club prior to the expiration of the Acceptance Period; and (iii) the Player signs a Major League contract with another Major League Club that is confirmed by the Players Association and the [Labor Relations Dept. of MLB] LRD before the next succeeding Major League Rule 4 Draft ("Rule 4 Draft"). A Qualified Free Agent who signs a bona fide Minor League contract shall not be subject to compensation irrespective of whether the Minor League contract is subsequently assigned to the Major League Club provided that the execution of the Minor League contract and the subsequent assignment were not the product of an agreement or understanding designed to circumvent Article XX(B)(3) and (4).
The club that signs a player subject to compensation will forfeit its first round selection unless it selects in the top 10, in which case it will forfeit its second-highest selection in the draft. If the player signs with another club as a free agent, the former club will receive a selection at the end of the first round beginning after the last regularly scheduled selection in the round. All former clubs that receive such free agent compensation will select based on reverse order of winning percentage from the prior regular season.
There is a host of miscellaneous provisions as well, such as what happens if a free agent signs a minor keague deal, if a player signed goes on the DL, etc. Start on page 90, for details.
Luxury Tax Meets Signing Bonuses (Rule 4 Draft)
In the old CBA, the league had a "recommended slot"—a signing bonus designated to a particular draft slot. Clubs didn't always toe the line on the slots, and that created problems.
For one, clubs that have more revenue to toy with could make offers above slot with greater ease than lower revenue makers. On top of that, some agents either backed clubs into corners or clubs made bad decisions and offered signing bonuses well over slot. Signabilty has become a major issue in the league, as witnessed in the non-signing of Aaron Crow by the Nationals and the near non-signing of Stephen Strasburg by Washington the following year. The luxury tax on signing bonuses is designed, in theory, to allow for competitive balance. It also is a way for the league to police clubs from overspending, and it's a way for clubs to have a true sense of cost certainty.
Clubs are given a "pool" of signing money that comprises the total aggregate amount across their draft picks. You can sign over-slot in one location and then reduce the signing amount for another pick to offset the over-slot play elsewhere. The key is staying within that "pooled" amount.
There are defined parameters that clubs can budget year in and year out. Here's how it breaks out:
On how those clubs will be penalized, an additional wrinkle is in the mix, which may or may not happen for next season…
Luxury Tax Meets Signing Bonuses (The Possible International Amateur Draft)
The new CBA addresses this… sort of. That is to say, when the new labor agreement was reached, the matter of an International Draft was still being worked through.
Before December 15 of last year, the sides had to come up with an International Talent Committee. As the CBA outlines, "The MLB Executive Vice President for Labor and Human Resources (Rob Manfred) and the Executive Director of the MLBPA (Michael Weiner) (or their designees) shall serve as co-chairs of the Committee, and each of them will appoint three additional members of the Committee."
With Manfred and Weiner presiding, the committee wound up having New York Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson, MLBPA Director of Player Relations Tony Clark, Tampa Bay Rays Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Andrew Friedman, MLBPA Special Assistant Stan Javierm, MLB Senior Vice President of Baseball Operations Kim Ng, and MLBPA Senior Advisor Rick Shapiro.
The CBA added that once the committee was created, they had to meet before January 15 of 2012, which they did.
When I spoke with Rob Manfred and Michael Weiner leading up to labor talks, both said that it is the technical issues around making an international draft happen that have proved so vexing. Everything from how to rank players to how to stop "skimming" of signing bonuses needs to be taken on. The new CBA spells out those technicalities by providing a list that the International Talent Committee is charged with addressing. The Committee will be charged with advising the MLBPA and the Office of the Commissioner on the following matters:
1. If there is an international draft, whether international players should be part of a single worldwide draft (including players currently covered by the Rule 4 Draft) or a separate draft (or drafts).
Here's what has to happen—shortly, mind you—if an international draft is to take place for the 2013-14 season:
No draft of international amateur players may be implemented in 2013 unless the following conditions are satisfied by June 1, 2012:
If those conditions are met by June 1, 2012, then based on the CBA, "the Office of the Commissioner may give notice that it intends to commence operation of a draft (or drafts) covering international amateur players for the 2013 season and subsequent seasons. Written notice of such intent must be provided to the MLBPA by no later than June 15, 2012, and such notice must include a detailed explanation of the rules and procedures that the Office of the Commissioner intends to use for the draft."
In other words, there's an awful lot that has to happen for an international amateur draft. Thus far, there has been no word in the media one way or the other as to whether those marks are being reached. It looks rather daunting for it to occur this year, but stranger things have happened.
Similar to the slotting bonuses that are part of the Rule 4 Draft, there are now constraints on bonuses to international signings via a luxury tax as well. Here's how the International Draft aspect melds together with the Rule 4 Luxury Tax, based on the language in the CBA (see beginning page 268):
For the 2012-2013 signing period, each Club will be allocated a Signing Bonus Pool of for international draft signings of $2.9 million.
If clubs exceed their slot money, they'll get hit with penalties via the luxury tax now in place for signing bonuses.
As mentioned, there may or may not be an international draft for the 2013-14 season. The CBA accounts for that by detailing what the Luxury Tax penalties are:
If [an InternationalDraft] will not occur in 2013 and/or 2014 either because the conditions set forth in (provisions in the CBA), or the MLBPA exercised its veto rights…
With the details around whether we will or won't have an international draft, clubs are presented with the following luxury tax penalties for going over their total amounts:
Clubs that exceed their Signing Bonus Pool in the 2012-2013 signing period and/or 2013-2014 signing period will be subject to the following penalties:
As noted, the penalties are pretty steep, especially if picks are lost. With an increasing emphasis on developing talent, the draft has become arguably the most critical aspect in all of baseball.
Trading Draft Picks (Assignments)
1. A Club only may assign the total amount of a bonus value, but not a portion thereof. For example, a Club with an international bonus value of $1 million may assign the $1 million value to another Club, but may not assign only a portion of that value.
What It All Means
In speaking with executives and agents about the changes, the one thing echoed over and over was that while the changes are some of the most dynamic in league history, the impact is not yet fully known.
"We're all going to have to feel this out," said one club executive. "It's going to take staffs on (league and union side) to get a true understanding of it all, and that's liable to take a few years."
As one agent echoed, "We're going to have to roll with it in the first couple of years. On the face of it, it doesn't look good for those coming into the league via the draft. We're going to have to adjust."
One thing seems clear: when coupled with the luxury tax that has been in place for some time on total player payroll (something that will be covered in the next installment in this series), the league now has set cost containment mechanisms on not one, but two fronts. If MLB can't get a hard-cap, they've at least painted the corners of the plate to place salary constraints wherever possible. In theory, this should further assist the have-nots in the league and continue to place focus on developing talent as opposed to working mostly through the free agency space.
Larger questions loom as to how international signings will function. The details on an international draft are difficult, and its potential implementation could create some thorny issues.
One thing is certain: big changes are afoot with this new agreement. Look for further installments on the 2012-13 Collective Bargaining Agreement in the weeks ahead.
Maury Brown is an author of Baseball Prospectus.
21 comments have been left for this article.
BP Comment Quick Links
This is a fantastic summary. Love the detail - a perfect article for BP. Can't wait for the next parts.
May 29, 2012 05:21 AM
21 years of labor peace is great, but that still doesn't asbolve anyone in regards to 1994. That will always be a joke.
May 29, 2012 06:18 AM
I agree, but will say this:
May 29, 2012 07:54 AM
Charles Dahan
BP staff
Which, I'd argue, has led players to still be getting a very raw deal...while the FA 'quiet period' and quiet offers shouldn't necessarily hurt players, the new draft rules are an unmitigated disaster for the sport. While the MLBPA hopes to have labor peace until 2016, Boras is going to find a way to blow this thing up.
May 29, 2012 11:58 AM
By the way, pop on over at 3pm ET to my chat today here on BP if you want to discuss this article or anything else, for that matter
May 29, 2012 08:02 AM
I'll be there (and thanks for doing the chat), but first, one dumb question that may fend off similar dumb questions then and replace them with more interesting ones: just what IS a "Qualified Free Agent"? That wasn't clear from the article. Any whose salary, subject to the definitions you cite, places them in that top-125 category? ANY free agent who gets that way as a result of playing past the last year of a contract, regardless of what salary they got in the previous year? What?
May 29, 2012 09:36 AM
For those wondering, I addressed Bill's question as part of my chat.
May 29, 2012 13:37 PM
Great summary.
May 29, 2012 09:25 AM
I'm probably going to make a number of comments as I go along, so don't shoot me.
May 29, 2012 16:22 PM
One more on this installment. Given the ban on signing drafted players to major league contracts...how long does a team have to wait, after signing a draftee to a minor league contract, to re-sign hom to a major league contract? And what restrictions, if any, will there be on the terms of a major league contract to which a recent draftee/signee can be re-signed?
May 29, 2012 16:27 PM
It sounds like forfeited picks just disappear and that all compensation is in the form of sandwich picks. Did I read that correctly?
May 29, 2012 16:28 PM
I think I want to call this possibility the "Scott Boras Loophole."
May 29, 2012 16:29 PM
"On how those clubs will be penalized, an additional wrinkle is in the mix, which may or may not happen for next season…"
May 29, 2012 16:55 PM
John Carter
What is the intention of disqualifying a player for compensation if he is offered only a Minor League contract? I didn't read how they intend to plug up that loophole, but if the player's old team offered him a top 125 player salary, it seems pointless to deny them compensation if he signs with another organization no matter what the type of contract.
May 30, 2012 06:30 AM
Thanks for this. If I understand correctly, rather than the Type A/Type B free agent system, with draft consideration varying accordingly, *any* signing of a qualified free agent by a new team will result in the loss of an early draft pick (assuming they have received a qualifying offer from their current team)?
Jun 02, 2012 04:33 AM
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