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Category Archives: John Semmens
President's Usurpation of Legislative Authority Hailed by Democrats
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama's decision to enact immigration reform legislation that Congress has refused to enact inspired some lavish praise from fellow Democrats.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called it "a courageous first step. President Obama's determination to take a politically unpopular position so soon after voters elected a Republican dominated Congress stakes out new ground in the battle for control over the government and policy."
"It's important that we build upon the President's innovation and transform our nation from the archaic plan of trying to extract policy from a fragmented legislative body, where no one has a mandate for governing, to a more modern structure where the will of the one man elected to represent all of the people prevails," Pelosi said. "At this turning point in our history I am hoping that Congress will get behind the President's leadership and give it an ex post facto endorsement by passing a bill codifying his decision."
Rep. Raul Grijalva (D-Ariz) praised "this bold step in the right direction," but also called upon Republicans "to pick up their half of the burden by enacting the President's policies into law. To leave the President alone on a limb exposes him to criticism that he has acted outside his authority. Well, President Lincoln acted outside his authority when he suspend the right of habeas corpus, but Congress later legalized what he had done. Instead of focusing on President Obama's so-called 'lawlessness,' I'm hoping the current GOP leadership can be as patriotic as their Party's leaders were in 1861."
Senate Democratic Whip Dick Durbin (Ill) lamented that "the President's actions do not go far enough. His vow to legalize 4 to 5 million illegal immigrants still leaves tens of millions of current illegal residents at risk, not to mention the tens of millions more we cam expect to stream across our southern border in response to this current iteration of amnesty."
Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) insisted that "inaction by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives forced President Obama to take the law into his own hands. If they had simply enacted the legislation he wanted he wouldn't have had to enact it by himself. They're the ones responsible for him stepping over the line."
White House communications director Jennifer Palmieri dismissed fears that Obama's action on immigration shreds the Constitution. "The President has been modifying the Constitution for nearly six years now," she pointed out. "For the GOP to go nuts over this latest modification makes no sense."
In related news, Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson predicts that a resumed surge of illegal immigration can be expected. "When we compare the poverty of Latin America with the wealth of the United States, the attraction should be obvious," Johnson observed. "As word of the success of the earlier waves of immigrants—they're not being deported, they're getting access to a wide array of public services and benefits unavailable where they came from—filters back, more can be expected to make the one-way journey."
President Cites "Higher Authority" for Immigration Executive Order
In the face of nearly two dozen videos of him saying he lacked legal authority to unilaterally enact immigration reform, President Obama went ahead and did so, citing a "higher authority."
"As President of the United States, I felt myself hemmed in by the limitations placed on the office by the US Constitution," Obama admitted. "As a human being, though, I could not bear the continuing injustice inflicted on the people who have entered this country illegally."
"My dilemma was how to reconcile the guidelines of an aging framework for a nation's government and the call of my conscience," Obama explained. "The idea that doing the right thing could be impeded by an unworkable process was unbearable. In the end, I felt that freeing these unfortunate people from their predicament was what God wanted me to do. So, I did it."
"The President's notion that his interpretation of what God wants him to do takes precedence over his obligations under the Constitution and our laws is the path to tyranny," Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) contended. "It's the same 'divine right' argument that kings used to use in order to fend off limits on their power in the era before the American Revolution established representative democracy as our form of government. The damage that President Obama's retrograde revolution would do to our freedom far outweighs any good that might come from his claimed humanitarian motives."
Tired of Hearing about Gruber
The American people are "tired of hearing about Gruber," according to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. Video tapes of MIT Professor Jonathan Gruber, a key architect of the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare), have been doing major damage to the Administration's credibility over the past two weeks. In the videos, Gruber is repeatedly shown describing voters as stupid and gloating about how Democrats used this stupidity to deceptively enact the ACA.
Earnest warned the media to drop the issue "because, frankly, the President is tired of hearing about it. These tapes and the alleged deceptions they portray happened years ago. The events Dr. Gruber speaks of in them are over and done. The ACA is the law of the land now and no amount of Monday-morning quarterbacking is going to change that."
"The only relevant issue is whether the ACA is good policy," Earnest maintained. "If it's good policy, and the President is confident it is, what does it really matter what tactics were used to get it implemented?"
Earnest expressed confidence that "this, like all the other phony scandals the GOP has been concocting, will die down and disappear from everyone's radar screen before too long. Everyone just needs to chill and let the President rule the nation, as he was elected to do."
Sharpton Disputes Tax Bill
The IRS claim that Rev. Al Sharpton owes more than $4 million in back taxes was challenged by the Reverend.
"My share of the reparations the US Government owes for slavery has not been taken into account," Sharpton argued. "The humiliation, the suffering, the oppression, and murder of African-Americans that has disgraced this country for over 400 years is a debt that can never be fully repaid."
"Instead of harassing me, the government should be making a good-faith effort to try to make payments on this unpayable debt," Sharpton suggested. "Then, after 400 years we can reassess to see how much is still owed."
Why Is Teaching Anal Sex in the Chicago Public School Curriculum?
Parents of students attending Chicago's Andrew Jackson Language Academy were shocked to discover that 5th graders are slated to study "the pleasures of anal sex."
Chicago Public Schools spokesman Bill McCaffrey characterized the parents' reactions as "excessively dramatic" and "not well thought out. It's our job to help prepare our students for life in the real world. Teaching them the skills needed for safe sex is at least as critical a part of our job as teaching them how to read."
"Sex is a topic of universal interest to students," McCaffrey asserted. "What we teach them about this topic will likely have more impact than what we teach them about history or science. So, I won't be apologetic about our efforts along these lines."
"The inclusion of anal sex in the curriculum is a simple acknowledgment that traditional heterosexual encounters are not the only type people engage in," McCaffrey added. "To not include this possibility would be discriminatory and would convey an impression that non-traditional interactions are less acceptable."
DOE Says AP Classes Must Be Racially Balanced
The South Orange-Maplewood School District in New Jersey was told by the US Department of Education that the racial imbalance in its Advance Placement (AP) courses was discriminatory because minorities are under represented among the students enrolled in these classes. AP courses are intended for college-bound graduates and typically entail heavier workloads and more difficult assignments.
US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan brushed aside arguments relying on student interest and ability as "insufficient to overcome the goal of racial equality. For the school to say that minorities are over represented on the school's athletic teams and that somehow counterbalances their under representation in these academically challenging AP courses is a non-starter with us."
"Ideally, all races ought to be proportionately distributed throughout all school activities," Duncan argued. "We can't permit a student's preference for being an athlete rather than a scholar determine which classes he or she ends up in. If the school needs to 'dumb down' its AP courses in order to accommodate the lesser academic abilities of minorities, then that is what they must do."
Rather than trying to "square the circle," the South Orange-Maplewood School District has opted to discontinue AP. "The DOE's notion that everything must be racially balanced is impossible to achieve," said acting Superintendent James Memoli. "Dumbing down an AP course to achieve an ideal racial mix would be idiotic."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Democrats Disagree over Executive Order for Amnesty
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Outgoing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is crosswise with President Obama over the proper sequence of events regarding amnesty for illegal immigrants.
"I have implored the President to forestall taking any executive action to legalize these undocumented residents until after we get Republican cooperation on next year's budget," Reid said. "My advice has been to get the money first. Then he can do whatever he wants on amnesty. There'd be no way the GOP could stop him."
Reid complained that "all my sensible arguments seem to be falling on deaf ears. The president says he doesn't need Congress to appropriate any funds. He asserts that he will instruct all the agency heads to continue to write checks to pay for whatever he authorizes. He's confident that the recipients of these checks will gladly accept and deposit them and that banks wouldn't dare not honor them."president has polled his cabinet on this matter," McDonough said. "Each of them has promised to carry out the President's wishes despite any possible disagreement from Congress. This includes the Joint Chiefs of Staff who stand ready to suppress any disobedience that might be exhibited by the general public."
The possibility that President Obama's intended actions might be beyond his Constitutional authority was cast as "potentially troublesome" by Reid. "There's nothing wrong with the objectives being sought. Everyone agrees that legalizing those in this country illegally is something that has to be done. I just think it would be safer if both Parties' fingerprints were on the deed."
Rep Hank Johnson (D-Ga) disagreed with Reid and compared the prospective Obama Executive Order on amnesty to President Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation. "If President Lincoln could bypass Congress and disregard the Constitution, by rights these same powers can be exercised by President Obama," Johnson declared. "Lincoln was willing to jail his critics and use troops to enforce his will. I hope President Obama will have the strength and courage to do likewise."
Mary Kay Henry, president of the Service Employees International Union (a union of government employees), characterized Republican objections to unilateral executive action as "bullying of the worst sort. Their constant harping that he lacks Constitutional authority to legislate on his own can't be allowed to stand against his moral obligation to do the right thing. We are urging the President to not let a piece of paper frighten him off course."
Gruber Apologizes for "Indelicate Phrasing"
MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, the boastful architect of Obamacare, apologized for what he termed "my indelicate phrasing in defense of the Affordable Care Act. I should never have publicly called American voters 'stupid.' I sincerely regret that I have been caught on tape using this kind of language."
"However, this does not mean that the underlying concept behind this legislation was incorrect," Gruber insisted. "The fact of the matter is that the average American isn't fit to decide whether he needs health insurance or to choose a plan that is adequate for the collective well-being of society. Individuals left to themselves will selfishly choose what's best for themselves alone. Overcoming this individualism is the responsibility of the government. The misrepresentation in the way the ACA was portrayed to voters was for their own good. For that, I make no apology."
Gruber's efforts to deceive did not go unrewarded. Between payments for his services made by the federal government and several state governments, Gruber has netted over a million dollars for his skillful obfuscation.
"Do you think concocting such an elaborate ruse was easy?" Gruber asked. "I see nothing wrong with those who have the vision, the talent, and the courage being adequately paid for the difficult task of overriding mass prejudices in order to enact unpopular, but necessary reforms in the way our society works."
The negative fallout from the publicity surrounding Gruber's contemptuous view of his fellow citizens sparked defensive maneuvers from the Administration. "The fact that Gruber received payments from the federal government doesn't prove the we had any knowledge of what he was doing," said Press Secretary Josh Earnest. "People should understand that their government spends billions of dollars everyday. A percentage of this huge outlay is going to be pure waste. I think it's unreasonable to try to hold the President accountable for that."
Earnest also wondered if "hypothetically speaking, is achieving a good outcome through dishonest means really such a bad thing? If it's not morally wrong for parents to mislead their children about Santa Claus, why would it be wrong to trick the American people into accepting a new health care system for their own good?"
In related news, Drew Hammill, spokesperson for House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), attempted to excuse her false denial of knowing Gruber by citing "her advanced age. When people get old they start to forget stuff. It's been five years since then Speaker Pelosi used Gruber's research and strategies to get the ACA passed in the House. And, if I may point out, at that time she candidly admitted to being ignorant of the contents of the bill. So I don't think its fair to blame her now. For his public indiscretions."
Former Veep Calls for "National Policy on Food"
Now that global warming has been tamed by record breaking cold spells across the nation, former Vice-President Al Gore is looking for new worlds to conquer. That new world appears to be the establishment of a "national policy on food."
"Under current rules, what a person eats is largely left up to each person to decide," Gore pointed out. "Judging from the rates of obesity, it seems clear that the idea that letting individuals choose what to eat is not working. It is way past time that experts in the field of nutrition be given the authority to determine healthier eating patterns for everyone."
Gore blamed Americans' poor eating habits on "ignorance and lack of self-discipline. Both of these faults can be overcome by a more assertive government. By empowering those educated in nutrition to lay out the menus for all Americans we can bypass the ignorance factor. By eliminating the bad food choices we can neutralize the lack of self-discipline. If bad choices are barred, only healthy choices will be left. Then no one will be able to select an unhealthy diet."
The former Veep acknowledged that "achieving an ideal diet for every American will be a difficult and arduous task. It won't happen overnight, but through a steady policy of penalties on poor food options—like added excise taxes on fats, sweets, fast food, etc.–combined with subsidies for good food options we can gradually wean the country away from its bad habits."
Gore admitted that his own bloated physique might be mocked by critics of the need for a national food policy, but argued that "the inability of even an enlightened person like myself to attain a healthy diet voluntarily further demonstrates the urgency of a mandatory program for everyone."
Pelosi Claims Voters Distracted by Irrelevancies
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) adamantly denied that the trouncing her Democratic Party took at the polls last week constitutes a mandate for a different direction for government.
"The problem is that our Party's underlying message was drowned out by incessant GOP hammering on irrelevant crises and scandals," she contended. "All the stories about ISIS beheadings, Ebola outbreaks, the flood of immigrants, IRS abuses, NSA spying, government waste and corruption masked the critical point that the Democratic Party is the Party of free stuff. Voters inundated by fears that their lives might be in danger, that their government might be descending into tyranny, and their taxes misspent on unnecessary or even harmful programs forgot about all of the benefits our Party has given them and would continue to give in the future."
Pelosi's optimism about the future of the Democratic Party was heartened by a Bureau of Labor Statistics report indicating that 93% of adults currently unemployed do not want jobs. "There's over 85 million American adults who don't want jobs," Pelosi boasted. "Even more encouraging for Democrats is that nearly 40% of young people don't want jobs. We may have lost this last election, but there can be no denying that we have changed the culture. The era of having to toil for a living is coming to an end for greater numbers of the population. More are content to subsist on government benefits. Is there any doubt about who this growing cohort is going to be voting for in 2016, 2020 and beyond?"
Obama Says FCC Needs to Control Internet
President Obama is urging the Federal Communications Commission to exert more control over the Internet.
"As it stands now, the whole web environment is chaotic and anarchic," Obama observed. "Anyone can pretty much do whatever he wants. There is no perceived obligation to serve society's broader needs."
For the time being, Obama disavowed his authority "to command this independent agency to extend its power over this medium. I am patiently waiting for them to do what they should. However, my patience is not infinite. I will act unilaterally if it becomes necessary that I do so to implement the change I deem warranted."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
President Ready to Use Executive Action for Amnesty
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Though he did leave open the option of signing an amnesty bill passed by Congress, President Obama vowed to "go it alone if they don't give me what I want."
New York politicians Senator Charles Schmer (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) endorsed using a Presidential Executive Order to accomplish immigration reform. "Even if a GOP controlled Congress were to pass an immigration reform bill it is bound to be cluttered with unessential, un-American add-ons like enhanced border security, deportation of criminals and the like," Schumer warned. "These types of restrictions tarnish America as a beacon of freedom."
Echoing Senator Schumer, Mayor de Blasio insisted that "America must never shut itself off from people seeking a better life. Republican efforts to try to sort out the so-called worthy from those likely to become public charges is fundamentally inhumane. What society on the planet is more able to afford the burdens of sustaining the indigent, distressed, and demoralized human beings of the world?"
Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied that the recently completed election answered Obama's taunt last year that "if you don't like my policies, go out and win an election." "Tuesday's election results don't meet what we consider the minimum threshold for overturning Administration policy on any issue," Earnest defiantly declared. "They don't change anything. As the President has pointed out, two-thirds of registered voters didn't vote. Their silence can be taken as strong evidence of their satisfaction with the way things are going. They had every opportunity to go out and vote against the President's policies, but they didn't. We're pretty confident that this is a solid mandate to stay the course for the President's agenda."
"Let's also not forget that the US Government is the most important organization on Earth," Earnest added. "That makes President Obama, as the ruler of America, the most important person on Earth. He has a duty to act for the benefit of all mankind and cannot let a disagreeable Congress impede his fulfillment of this duty."
In related news, Attorney General Eric Holder defended his practice of calling political opponents "idiots." "If we act all polite it conveys a message of possible legitimacy to their point of view," Holder said. "That's the exact opposite of what we're trying to achieve. In contrast, an idiot's point of view has no legitimacy. It merits no consideration. It shouldn't even be aired much less listened to."
Landrieu off to Bad Start in Louisiana Runoff Election
Incumbent Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) got off to a bad start in her desperate bid to hold onto her seat. In an attempt to characterize her Republican opponent Bill Cassidy as "unreliable" and "undependable," Landrieu demanded to know what he had done to help the state recover from 2005's Hurricane Katrina.
Cassidy, an MD, responded that he had been working to provide medical aid to refugees of the storm. With help from friends and neighbors he and his physicians' group set up an emergency treatment center in an abandoned K-Mart.
Landrieu shruugged this off as "small potatoes. While my opponent was treating a handful of individual victims I was addressing the bigger problem—the incompetence of the Bush Administration. I might not have directly saved anyone's life at that time, but I helped lay the groundwork for Democrats to take control of both Houses of Congress in the 2006 elections. Without this majority, President Obama's Affordable Care Act would never have passed in 2010."
Joel DiGrado, Cassidy for Senate campaign manager, thanked Landrieu "for clarifying the distinction between the two candidates. It could hardly be more clear that Bill Cassidy is a man of action and a person with a heart. He saw a need and took steps to meet it. In contrast, Landrieu touts her political hectoring of former President Bush and her role in paving the way for Obamacare. It will now be up to voters to decide which of these approaches to problem solving they'd like to see from their state's Senator."
City Seizes Art Studio
The Philadelphia Redevelopment Authority (PRA) has received court approval of its seizure of the art studio of James Dupree. It plans to bulldoze it and sell the land to a private grocery chain. Despite renovating a dilapidated warehouse and converting it into an attractive and bustling center for artistic expression, Dupree's property rights are being sacrificed to the PRA's vision of what the City needs.
"It's a question of whether the rights of the collective community should take precedence over the rights of a single individual," PRA Executive Director Ed Covington explained. "Far more people will eat the food sold at the proposed supermarket than will ever see the works of art produced or displayed at Mr. Dupree's studio. Social justice commands that the benefit of the greater number takes precedence over the rights of one man."
Covington dismissed the possibility that the supermarket could be built at another location. "I suppose that if we were to search hard enough we might find such a place, but it might not be as conveniently located," he said. "Should we really undermine the convenience of thousands of shoppers in the name of the abstract property rights of a single individual?"
IRS Admits It Didn't Really Look for Lois Lerner's "Lost" Emails
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted that it didn't exercise much effort to track down emails cited in an investigation of IRS abuses involving harassment of conservative political organizations.
"Look, we were between a rock and a hard place," Koskinen contended. "On the one hand, we have Congress and the Courts demanding we produce these documents. On the other hand, some very powerful and dangerous people were very determined that these documents never be found."
"If we defy Congress and the Courts the worst case scenario is we get held in contempt," Koskinen pointed out. "It's embarrassing. We look like crooks to the average American. But if we defy the President, well, he has people who can make you disappear or meet with an untimely accident. Given this same choice I don't think there's anyone who would have done it differently."
Congresswoman Proposes Barack Obama Sperm Bank
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) says she will introduce legislation that would establish a federally funded Barack Obama sperm bank in the upcoming "lame duck" session of Congress. She says she got the idea from a similar proposal to establish a Vladimir Putin sperm bank in Russia.
"We can't afford to fall behind in what could turn out to be a critical competition to propagate the seed of the nation's best and brightest," Lee argued. "Granted, it would be decades before the offspring of President Obama's banked sperm could be expected to make a strategic difference, but if we fail to act now we will come up short at a possibly crucial time in the future."
According to Lee, a socially beneficial byproduct of this strategically oriented measure is that "it would give women a better option than shacking up with some lowlife who beats her and steals her welfare money. The President would, of course, still be an absentee father, so the child would qualify for benefits. And if genetics plays true, the child will most likely have a better life than peers sired by criminals and deadbeats."
In related news, Harvard University announced a new course titled "What What in the Butt: Anal Sex 101." A spokesperson for the University explained that "the purpose of this course is to help students learn the facts about this exciting, yet often misunderstood form of pleasure. We take pride in staying ahead of the curve by offering to teach skills that less enlightened institutions shy away from out of fear of criticism."
Elected Black Republicans Called "Traitors to Their Race"
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) neglected to include Rep. Mia Love (R-Utah) and Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) n its post-election congratulations to African-Americans who won their races.
Cornell William Brooks, President and CEO of the NAACP, characterized the election of the Black conservatives as "more of a setback than an advancement for people of color. These two have bought the right wing propaganda that individual achievement, hard work, and honesty are the way a person gets ahead in this world. Unfortunately, every individually successful Black person dilutes our case for slavery reparations."
Brooks predicted that Love and Scott "will join their white oppressors in voting against increases in welfare benefits, against racial set-asides, against reparations, and for the kind of strict law enforcement that has disproportionately sent so many of our brothers to prison. They are traitors to their race."
Rep. Love, who grew up in humble circumstances, cited her father's advice "to never take a hand-out and never be a burden to society as my guiding light in social, economic, and political philosophy." This is a view that Brooks contends "puts her diametrically at odds with the vast majority of African Americans."
Sen. Scott, meanwhile was given an "F" by the NAACP for vowing to "free Black Americans from the trap of dependency that the Democratic Party has lured so many into. The only secure path to a successful life is through personal effort. I will be working toward removing the barriers to this effort erected by Democrats."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Amnesty Needed for 'Shared Prosperity'
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Labor Secretary Thomas Perez reassured the National Press Club that amnesty for illegal immigrants will be forthcoming after the mid-term elections.
"Right now, it would be too risky for the President to declare the kind of big and bold legalization of the millions of undocumented persons in this country that everyone agrees is desperately needed," Perez said. "The Republicans would use such an action to hammer Democrats running in Congressional races. Once the elections are past, though, there will be nothing anyone can do to impede this reform."
Granting legal status to the millions of immigrants in this country illegally is, according to Perez, "a crucial piece of the puzzle for the President's vision of shared prosperity. It's long since past the time that the wealth being hoarded by Americans is more equitably shared with those less well off around the globe. The streams of people entering through our southern border are a small vanguard for the comprehensive redistribution that is long overdue."
Perez cited Department of Homeland Security orders for an additional 34 million green cards as solid evidence of Obama's intentions. "After November 4th we will be able to hit the ground running," he boasted. "By 2016, not only those currently in the country, but millions more will have all the documentation they need to fully participate in American life, including driver's licenses, public housing, food stamps and voting."
Job Losses Due to Minimum Wage Hike Tolerable
Charlie Christ, the Democratic candidate for governor in Florida brushed aside the prospect that 50,000 low wage workers would lose their jobs if the legal minimum wage is raised.
"First of all, 50,000 is a relatively small number compared to the total workforce in the state," Christ pointed out. "Few will notice them or be aware of the cause of their unemployment. And it won't be as if their suffering would be severe. Most will qualify for government assistance. So, I think adding another 50,000 to the state's welfare cohort is a tolerable price for Florida to bear."
"Second, the much larger portion of low wage workers who hold onto their, now higher-paying, jobs will be eternally grateful to the government that boosted their income," Christ continued. "Their votes will help solidify progressive control of the levers of power and allow further gains in the redistribution of wealth over the coming years."
Emerging Evidence of Vote Fraud Attributed to "Bad Luck"
Several recent events indicating that Democrat efforts to steal the upcoming election were labeled "bad luck" by various spokespersons for the Party.
In Arizona, a man wearing a "Citizens for a Better Arizona" T-shirt was observed stuffing hundreds of vote-by-mail envelopes into a ballot box in Maricopa County. The man refused to identify himself and complained that his actions were "not anyone's business, but mine. It's supposed to be a secret ballot. No one has the right to watch me, much less question what I'm doing."
In an "off-the-record" interview, an Arizona Democratic Party official bemoaned the negative impression the video of the ballot-stuffing episode has caused for the Party. "Under normal circumstances no one would've seen anything," he lamented. "Now because of a video taken by an overzealous poll watcher it appears as if we are cheating. It's pure bad luck."
In Chicago, Illinois Republican state representative candidate Jim Moynihan noticed that the voting machine automatically switched his intended vote for GOP candidates into votes for Democrats. Cook County Board of Elections representative Jim Scalzitti attributed the phenomenon to "calibration error. The algorithm is supposed to flip one out of every five votes. We don't know whether the formula misfired or whether it was just bad luck that a high profile Republican voter who was paying attention was that one-in-five voter in this particular instance."
"It's not like the Democrats are stealing every vote," Scalzitti rationalized. "Sometimes we lose. Over the long run, though, the one-in-five formula has been found to be a pretty reliable buffer. Even if the GOP candidates get 60% of the intended votes, the 20% flip brings their percentage down to 48%–enough to ensure that all but the most heavily detested Democrats are safely elected."
In North Carolina, State Board of Elections officials discovered that 145 names on voter rolls belonged to illegal immigrants who were granted "Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals" status by President Obama. Attorney General Eric Holder called the discovery "unfortunate. We have been doing all we can to discourage these kinds of scrutinizing of voter rolls. Identifying individual voters like this flies in the face of the whole concept of a secret ballot. We will be investigating this and assessing the penalties we deem warranted."
In Colorado, Meredith Hicks, director of the political canvassing group Work for Progress, was covertly recorded urging that campaign workers retrieve discarded and unused ballots and cast them for progressive candidates. "If the owner of the vote-by-mail ballot doesn't want to cast it himself there's no good reason why we shouldn't salvage it for our cause," Hicks said. Hicks' characterized the covert recording of her illegal strategy by conservative filmmaker James O'Keefe as "underhanded. This invasion of my privacy is an unfair and unfortunate intervention that may encourage some of our workers to shun this opportunity to try to ensure victory for the forces of good in November."
Kerry Says Israel Responsible for ISIL
US Secretary of State John Kerry maintains that Israel is the reason why ISIL exists.
"Let's face it, if there were no Jews in the Middle East there would be no need for ISIL," Kerry argued. "The misguided attempt to provide a homeland for Europe's displaced Jews after World War II was a provocation. The land currently occupied by Israel was duly conquered by Muslims fourteen hundred years ago. Any effort to roll back any part of that conquest gives Muslims a legitimate grievance."
Kerry suggested that "a better choice for a Jewish homeland would have been a less volatile location like Madagascar or Alaska. That's if we assume that one was even necessary. I mean, the number of Jews in the world is tiny, only 12 million. There are about 12 million Mormons. They don't have their own country. Why should the similarly small population of Jews be accorded this privilege?"
"In contrast, there are 1.5 billion Muslims in the world," the Secretary observed. "If we truly believe in democracy and majority rule shouldn't we be siding with this substantial majority instead of the Jewish minority? Perhaps resisting this democratic principle is at the root of all our troubles in the Middle East. Maybe we need to assess whether we are on the wrong side of history here."
Homeland Security Confiscates Underwear
The Department of Homeland Security nipped a budding threat to Americans' safety by seizing dozens of women's panties from a Kansas City boutique. The panties displayed an unauthorized "KC" logo on them.
"This logo is owned by the Kansas City baseball team," explained Secretary Jeh Johnson. "For the team to be deprived of the revenues to which they are entitled tears at the very fabric of our nation."
Peregrine Honig, owner of the boutique, said "we were only trying to show our support for the team. It's been nearly 30 years since the Royals were last in the World Series. I wasn't mounting an attempt to overthrow the government or anything."
Johnson declined to say whether the seizure of merchandise would be the end of the matter. "We are reserving our options," he declared. "If we need to put this shop out of business and jail the proprietor as an example to others is something we'll have to consider."
Dem Insists that Republicans Are Responsible for Obama's Low Ratings
DNC Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) contends that President Obama's low approval ratings with voters is due to "persistent GOP resistance to his policy agenda. Voters showed that they decisively support the President when they reelected him in 2012. Instead of helping him act on this mandate, though, Republicans have worked to thwart him at every turn. They have a terrible record, which I'm sure will be repudiated at the polls on November 4th."
Wasserman-Schultz ticked off the issues she feels will redound in her Party's favor in the upcoming vote. "The electorate wants higher spending, yet Republicans have repeatedly characterized many of the President's programs as 'wasteful,'" she complained. "Voters know that the President's plan for open borders and amnesty are the best way to guarantee that progressive policies can be entrenched in our government. The influx of reliably Democratic voters from Mexico and Central America are a key to achieving this goal. Voters also appreciate Democratic efforts to move more people out of the workday rat race and into government support programs like public housing, nutritional sustenance, and even free cell phones. They'll vote Democrat if they want to continue these vital initiatives."
The DNC Chair said she understands that many Democratic candidates are wary of associating themselves with the President in this election cycle, but maintained that "this is wrongheaded thinking. We mustn't let ourselves be swayed by the propaganda that the President's ideas are being rejected. If we buy into this message we won't have a mandate to move forward when our Party wins."
Unmentioned in Wasserman-Schultz's list of the benefits the government has provided under Obama were the funds invested in giving test rabbits Swedish massages, teaching monkeys how to gamble, and putting lions, monkeys, rats and cows on treadmills. These dubious expenditures were a few of the hundreds of instances of wasteful government spending cited by Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla) in his annual Wastebook compilation of ridiculous and outrageous items in the federal government's budget. "I think it's safe to say that if these types of waste of the taxpayers' money were more widely known, voters might be tempted to tar-and-feather the Democrats than to vote for them," Coburn speculated.
NY Governor Says Safe Act Needs More Vigorous Enforcement
New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) says that despite barring over 30,000 individuals deemed "too unstable" to be allowed to possess firearms, "the State's 'Safe Act' stills leaves too many free to obtain these weapons."
"In my view, anyone who thinks he needs a gun is, prima facie, too unstable to be allowed to have one," Cuomo ventured. "This would include virtually every member of the National Rifle Association and a considerable portion of registered Republicans. Can a civilized society really condone the possession of weapons by such people?"
As an example, Cuomo cited a recent statement made by the Republican candidate for the US Senate in Iowa, State Senator Joni Ernst. "This woman believes it should be her right to have a gun in case the government decides her rights are no longer important," Cuomo incredulously recounted. "This is taking individual freedom too far. In our democracy we have empowered our elected representatives to draw the boundaries of where everyone's rights end and government authority begins. Views to the contrary are obviously evidence of mental instability."
The Governor said that he hoped that "by speaking out on this issue doctors would be inspired to more closely scrutinize patients for instability and that local police would be more restrictive about who they issue permits to."
"In an ideal world, only government law enforcement personnel would be permitted to bear arms," Cuomo maintained. "If personal possession of a firearm were universally outlawed anyone spotted with a gun could simply be shot on sight by police. Threats to the civil order would be more quickly and easily suppressed. Important government officials would be more thoroughly protected. And the domestic tranquility promised by the US Constitution could become a reality."
North Korea Announces New Travel Restrictions
The Government of North Korea is closing its borders to tourism because of fears it might spread Ebola to the reclusive nation.
The nation's lone tourist, former NBA basketball player Dennis Rodman, is reportedly "heartbroken that his desire to visit with his 'best friend,'" dictator Kim Jung Un, may be impeded by "this cruel barrier."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Troops Being Deployed to Ebola Zone Get Skimpy Training
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The U.S. troops President Obama has ordered into West Africa to help in the battle against Ebola are receiving a scant 4 hours of training about the virus. Soldiers who have had the training have characterized it as "frightening." "We will be exposed with minimal protective gear." "If you get it you'll probably die a horrible death." "It's far worse than getting shot or even blown up."
United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) spokeswoman Caree Vander-Linden insisted that the skimpy training was "appropriate for the mission. We're basically trying to warn the troops to be cautious, to not take undue risks. It's not that much different than the more typical training teaching them how to avoid being a casualty of enemy attacks."
Of course, the typical training related to enemy action is usually measured in months rather than hours and is more inherently connected to the normal military mission. Nevertheless, Vander-Linden asserted that "the ability of our armed forces to cope with emerging non-traditional threats is part of President Obama's planned transformation of America. This projected battle against Ebola will serve as good experience for troops when they are asked to take on the even greater threat of global climate change."
The inadequate training being given to the troops didn't dissuade a trio of Democratic Representatives from urging that these troops give direct care to Ebola patients. Reps. Keith Ellison (Minn), Karen Bass (Calif), and Barbara Lee (Calif) contend that "only by putting US troops on the front line of danger can our nation begin to make a down payment on the reparations we owe for slavery. A key byproduct of the exposure to our troops will be an enhanced incentive to increase funding for the CDC to help find a cure. As long as the vast majority of the victims are Africans the American people can afford to remain relatively indifferent. But when their sons and daughters are suffering and dying from this virus their attitudes will change."
President Dispatches Seasoned Political Operatives to Stem Ebola Crisis
President Obama took decisive action on the growing Ebola crisis this week by appointing two well-traveled political operatives to key roles. On the national front, he named Ron Klain his special Ebola Czar. At the same time, he tabbed Adrian Saenz to manage events on the ground in Dallas—site of America's "patient zero."
The fact that neither man has any expertise in any medical field, much less in infectious diseases, took many observers by surprise. Republican Senator Jerry Moran of Kansas called the appointments "puzzling. When I called for the naming of an Ebola czar I thought the fact that a person selected should have the appropriate medical background would go without saying. Boy was I wrong. The President has chosen to address this grave health situation by deploying a pair of Democrat political hacks. I fail to see how this will help."
Klain has most recently been Chief-of-Staff for Vice-President Biden. He also has experience as a lobbyist and was instrumental in securing a half-billion dollar government subsidy for the failed Solyndra solar panel company. Saenz has most recently served as Special Assistant to the President and Deputy Director of Intergovernmental Affairs and has also worked for numerous Democratic Congressional candidates.
Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to bridge the credibility gap by emphasizing that "the medical issues are a minor technical aspect of the larger picture. What the President and the country needs even more desperately is someone who can work to restore the people's faith in their government. These men are skilled in crafting messages that resonate with average Americans, as is amply demonstrated in their previous success in helping elect Democrats to office."
In related news, Earnest tried to explain Center for Disease Control Director Tom Frieden's seemingly incoherent assertion that a person can't get Ebola from riding on a bus, but could give it to someone else on a bus. "Getting people to use public transit is critical to our policy of diverting people from driving their own cars." Earnest said. "Reassuring bus riders is a crucial part of stemming a stampede out of public transit. The odds of an uninfected person encountering an Ebola carrier on a bus are small. So a person shouldn't shun using a bus out of an irrational fear. On the other hand, a person who is infected shouldn't wantonly expose others. So, yeah, if you suspect you may have Ebola, don't use public transit. It makes perfect sense to me."
Houston Persists in Effort to Stifle Speech
Though the City of Houston has backed off its demand for local area ministers to submit copies of their Sunday sermons to the City's attorneys, it is now demanding copies of any non-sermon speeches they may have made.
Mayor Annise Parker, Houston's first openly lesbian mayor, defended this blatant invasion of freedom of speech, arguing that "Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) is the law of this land. No one is entitled to speak out against the law, especially not church leaders."
"Churches have special exemptions from government taxes," Parker pointed out. "As a quid-pro-quo for this benefit they ought to respect and teach respect for the duly enacted laws of the community—you know 'render unto Caesar' and all that. The City has a right to ferret out those who have violated this quid-pro-quo so that targeted corrective action to revoke these special exemptions may be undertaken where warranted. The requested copies of speeches will help the City distinguish which churches have violated their obligations under these exemptions."
First Lady Frustrated in Efforts to Motivate Democrat Voters
First Lady Michelle Obama showed signs of increasing impatience with the Democrats' voter base in her efforts to drum up enthusiasm for the Party's candidates. "Too many of the voters who helped put Barack in office seem to be asleep at the wheel for these mid-term races," she complained.
Michelle speculated that "poor diet may play an even bigger role than we thought. I mean, if a person is overweight feasting on junk food, getting up to go to the polls and vote may be too daunting a task. We've done all we could to try to eliminate impediments to voting. More voters than ever had been freed from having their time taken up having to go to a job to earn a living. We give them public housing, food stamps, even free cell phones. Why can't they make the minimal effort to give Democrats their vote?"
In related news, another court struck down another state's voter ID requirement. In this case, the Arkansas Supreme Court negated a state law requiring voters to show a photo ID at the polls. "It is hard enough to get the indolent segment of the population to make the effort to vote," the court ruled. "Requiring them to show the same type of ID they must show to purchase liquor is an intolerable and unnecessary burden. Not taking the voter's word that he is who he claims to be is an unconstitutional infringement on the right to vote."
Guatemalan President Blames US for Illegal Immigration from His Country
Guatemalan President Otto Perez says the recent influx of illegal immigration to the US from Central American nations is America's fault.
"Look, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvadore are veritable cesspools," Perez admitted. "Who wouldn't want to leave? Compare this to welfare obtainable in the United States if you are poor and you have a strong motivation to try to get there. With President Obama's open border policies its practically an invitation to make the arduous journey north."
As an alternative to mass migration, Perez suggested that "more generous foreign aid to our counties in the south could dampen the need for us to export our excess poor. First, if there are meaningful financial rewards for our government officials the incentive to take steps to discourage this traffic will be enhanced. Second, if we distribute a small share of the foreign aid in the form of benefits to our impoverished citizens perhaps they will see less need to try to escape the deploring conditions in our countries."
"The ball is in your court Mr. Obama," Perez taunted. "Pay us now or bear the consequences later."
US War on ISIL Gets Name
After several weeks of debate on what the US bombing campaign against ISIL ought to be called, the Obama Administration has settled on "Operation Inherent Resolve."
Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey explained that "though the phrase has been dubbed 'squishy' by some, it embodies a basic truth about the campaign. We are trying to tread a fine line here. Those favoring the annihilation of these terrorists are urging us to go outside the bounds of the President's thinking. The President wants an accommodation with Islam. The fear is that if we annihilate these jihadis we will alienate a billion Muslims around the globe."
"The aim, as President Obama has clearly stated on numerous occasions, is to 'degrade' ISIL, not destroy it," Dempsey declared. "If ISIL were destroyed there would be no authority left with which we could reach an accommodation. A plan to destroy ISIL could have been described as 'explicit resolve.' However, the more complex objective of holding back our response to keep it within the parameters of the President's philosophy implies a sort of resolve. So, the 'inherent resolve' is the best compromise moniker we could come up with.""
Colorado Governor Plays "Extortion Card" in Bid for Reelection
Unfavorable trends in recent polls have spurred Colorado's Governor John Hickenlooper (D) to threaten to release mass murderer Nathan Dunlap from prison if he is defeated in the November 4th election. Nathan Dunlap killed four people at an Aurora Chuck E Cheese restaurant in 1993.
"If I am reelected I'll be too busy with other work to have the time to commute his sentence and let him out of prison, "Hickenlooper said. "Should voters turn me out, though, well, I probably won't be too busy to consider commuting the sentences of Dunlap and other long-suffering inmates of our state prison system."
University Officials Crack Down on Free Speech
University officials at Southern Oregon University (SOU) threatened students with disciplinary action for having the temerity to pass out copies of the US Constitution on campus last week.
"Freedom of speech is not without limits in our society," according to SOU Director of Student Housing, Tim Robitz. "If the students who want to hand out copies of the Constitution would only read the document they'd see that it is Congress that shall make no law abridging freedom of speech. There is no mention of the SOU administration in that document. So we are not similarly prohibited from abridging this freedom if we deem it necessary."
"The fact that the University has set aside a special free speech zone in a designated location on campus shows that we have done more than we have to to facilitate the rantings of the discontented," Robitz contended. "Complaints from malcontents that the designated space is small and inconveniently off the main pathway demonstrate a lack of gratitude for the privileges we have extended to them."
Robitz also criticized "the arrogance of those who assume that right is on their side. Not everyone is a fan of free speech. Many students have come to me to express their fear of being confronted with discomforting political points of view. Don't they have an equal right to be protected from having to listen?"
NIH Deflects Criticism of Spending Priorities
GOP critics of government priorities in how tax dollars are spent have latched onto the National Institutes of Health investment in studying why lesbians are fat as a sign of the agency's poor judgment.
Rep. Michael McCaul (R-Tex) says "the more we learn about the decisions made by this Administration, the worse it sounds. Back in 2008 the incoming Obama Administration was advised that it should take stronger measures against a possible Ebola pandemic. Instead, they divert scarce resources to studies like this."
NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins defended the allocation of resources. "The number of obese lesbians in this country easily exceeds the number of Ebola patients," Collins observed. "Using our limited resources toward efforts to serve this larger cohort doesn't seem out of line to me."
"On top of this, let's not forget that even for those who have contracted the Ebola virus the suffering is relatively brief," Collins asserted. "On the other hand, obesity is often a lifelong problem that can produce decades of mental anguish and physical and emotional pain. So, no, I don't think the NIH's priorities are out of whack and I deplore the political opportunism of those who would like to make it appear as if they are."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Former Obama Press Secretary Says GOP Unfairly Exploiting Administration's Failures
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The incoherence of President Obama's foreign policy and the cascade of domestic policy scandals are being unfairly exploited for political gain according to former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.
"Hitting a man when he is down is just plain dirty," Gibbs maintained. "It's disloyal and unpatriotic. Rather than criticize the President, Republicans should be looking for ways to help him recover from the battering he is taking in the media. That would be the decent thing to do."
Gibbs was especially outraged that "the GOP hasn't given the President enough credit for what he has accomplished. President Obama came into office with less executive experience than any other president in American history, with the possible exception of Lincoln. Yet, despite this handicap he was able to pass landmark health care reform and win reelection by a sound margin."
The former Press Secretary expressed "hope that voters will look past the scurrilous attacks narrowly focused on so-called performance and remember why they voted for the President in the first place. There can be no question that his efforts to make government 'cool' have changed the way Americans think about how they want to be governed. Voting for the Democrats on their ballots in November will help him stay the course."
State Department Praises Hamas-Fatah Alliance
A thawing of the rivalry between Hamas and Fatah was hailed by State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki as "a positive step toward resolving the issue of Zionist occupation of Palestinian lands. This helps thwart Israel's attempt to drive a wedge between Muslims."
"From a broader perspective anything that stops Muslims from fighting amongst themselves is an encouraging development," Psaki said. "Different sects of Islam have been warring against one another for centuries. Jihad is a noble endeavor that should not be frittered away on internal disagreements. This needlessly siphons off energy that could be more productively employed for the good of all Muslims. We look forward to the day when all Muslims are united in one ummah, not just in Palestine, but worldwide."
In related news, the US State Department declined to condemn ISIS's trafficking in slavery. As part of its reign of terror in Syria and Iraq, ISIS has kidnapped and sold an estimated 2500 Christian women as sex slaves for their jihadi warriors. "As I understand it, these transactions fall under the guidance of the Quran," Psaki observed. "Condemning the sales just because they contradict western values would insensitively disregard the deeply held religious beliefs of over a billion Muslims. I mean, Muhammad, the Prophet of Islam, held slaves. How could we justify criticizing his followers for emulating his model?"
CDC Clarifies Obama Statement on Ebola
President Obama's attempt to reassure people that "you can't get Ebola from sitting next to someone on a bus" directly contradicted the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advice for people who have returned from Ebola infested west African nations to avoid taking public transportation.
"The President seems to have misunderstood what we told him," CDC Director Tom Frieden explained. "Of course, the President would never have to worry about catching Ebola from a fellow bus passenger because he never rides on public transportation. How he generalized this into a notion that no one could catch Ebola from close proximity to a carrier in a public place is a mystery to us."
"As for the question foremost in the minds of every American, let me alleviate everyone's worst fears: your President is in no imminent danger of contracting this deadly ailment," Frieden promised. "You may all go about your daily lives knowing that every measure, no matter how costly, will be undertaken to insure that he remains safe."
In related news, Frieden nixed the idea of a travel ban, calling it "unnecessary. There are simpler ways for us to insulate the President from exposure to Ebola than banning travel from west Africa to the United States. There is no need for us to negate the fundamental human right of individuals to travel wherever they wish. In fact, it is logical that a person who suspects he has Ebola would want to come to this country where he could expect to face better odds of recovering than if he were confined within the borders of the African Hell-hole he lives in. Blocking his efforts to escape would be cruel and inhumane."
Frieden also mused that "the possible upside of allowing Ebola to spread to the United States is that it would inspire Congress to approve desperately needed increases to the CDC's operating budget. Senators and Congressmen are frequent users of public transportation—taxis to the airport, commercial airlines back to the home state. I expect that self-preservation would push them to boost our budget once Ebola gains a foothold in this country."
Kentucky Candidate Rebuffs Ballot Question
The Democratic candidate for the US Senate in Kentucky, Alison Grimes refused repeated queries as to whether she voted for Obama in either 2008 or 2012.
"People may think they have a right to know, but they don't," Grimes forcefully asserted. "In this country we have a secret ballot. No one has the right to demand to know how I cast that ballot."
Louisville Courier-Journal editor Pam Platt defended asking the question when Grimes appeared at the paper's editorial board meeting to seek its endorsement in her race to unseat Republican Senator Mitch McConnell. "The secret ballot is meant to protect the private citizen from potential government harassment for voting the 'wrong way.'" Platt said. "But Grimes is seeking to become a member of the federal government. Knowing whether she voted for President Obama would give our readers some insight into what policies she might support if she is elected."
Grimes stubbornly tried to cast her refusal to answer as a mark of personal integrity. "I could've just lied and said I voted for McCain and Romney, but I didn't," Grimes argued. "I'm bigger than that. If people want to know where I stand on the issues they can go to my campaign website to find out."
Whether Grimes' campaign statements are a valid reflection of where she stands, though, was thrown into doubt by a recent covertly obtained video in which Juanita Rodriguez, a Grimes campaign supporter, admitted that Grimes' claimed backing of Kentucky coal miners was bogus.
Obama's Attempt to Cast GOP as "Party of Billionaires" Muddled by Fund-Raising Event
President Obama's efforts to try to differentiate Democrats from "billionaire Republicans" was undercut by his own participation in a posh fund-raiser sponsored by billionaire Rich Richman.
Though the entry fee for the event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000, the President insisted that "it was an opportunity for the middle class to have a say in the electoral process" contending that "the $1,000 minimum fee was less than half the annual $2500 savings in health insurance premiums that each middle class family has experienced under the Affordable Care Act."
As for billionaire host Rich Richman, the President asserted that "there are some great Americans—Richman, Soros, Buffett, to name a few—who haven't had their values warped by money. These aren't evil billionaires using the free market to amass wealth for selfish purposes. These are men who are aligned with progressive policies, who are cooperating with our effort to promote the collective welfare of those the government has taken under its wing."
Maryland Governor Declares WiFi a Human Right
In what some project to be the opening gambit of a potential 2016 presidential campaign, Maryland's Governor Martin O'Malley (D) declared that access to WiFi is a human right.
"I'm not saying that people should merely be free to purchase and use WiFi at their own expense," O'Malley clarified. "Doing what you please and paying for it out of your own pocket is an archaic conception of basic human rights. It may have been fine for our nation's Founding Fathers because they didn't know any better. Fortunately, we've made significant advances in our thinking since then."
A key phrase that O'Malley thinks ought to guide modern thinking is one that appears in the standard "Miranda warning" that police give to arrestees regarding their right to an attorney: "if you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you at government expense."
"People can't really be said to be free if their resources are insufficient to fulfill their needs," O'Malley contended. "WiFi has become such an ingrained part of modern life that everyone must be entitled to participate. After all, man does not live by bread alone. If we can justify feeding, clothing, and housing the poor how can we draw a line that bars them from enjoying the abundance available to their better off peers?"
Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), a projected rival for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination called O'Malley's declaration "an interesting opening to a whole new philosophy of freedom in this country. My only criticism is that we must go further than just universal free WiFi. No person in America should have to go without anything that anyone else has merely because of insufficient funds. We must evolve out of the anarchic individualized distribution of wealth in this country toward one where government plays the main role in guaranteeing a more equal allocation to all."
Colorado Senator Opposes Any Limit to Abortions
In a debate with Rep. Cory Gardner, his Republican opponent for the state's US Senate seat up for election in November, Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) took a strong stand against any limits on abortion.
"I know that it might sound cruel to say that a fetus on the verge of birth might have to be aborted because that is the mother's decision, but the alternative is just so abhorrent that this seeming cruelty must be seen as the lesser evil," Udall proclaimed. "For the government to step in at any stage of the pregnancy to stop its termination is the equivalent of saying that the woman is a slave to the fetus and must place its interests ahead of her own."
"This country fought a bloody war to abolish slavery," the Senator reminded. "To allow this inhuman practice to creep back into our laws under the guise of protecting innocent lives would be the ultimate betrayal. The women of this state, and America for that matter, need to know that their government has their back and will not shy away from the hard choices they have to make about life or death and how they will use their own bodies."
Despite some gasps from the audience, Udall said he remains confident that his seemingly callous attitude won't hurt him with the broader electorate. "Right now my refusal to allow these debates to be televised is looking pretty damned smart," he boasted. "By the time what I said is filtered through the media I'll look like the second coming of the Great Emancipator."
Senator Minimizes Concern for Those Who Lost Health Care Insurance
In a debate with GOP opponent Ed Gillespie, Senator Mark Warner (D-Va) expressed little concern over the reported 250,000 Virginians who lost their health care insurance coverage due to Obamacare.
"Look, every battle has casualties," Warner blandly commented. "What we need to do is weigh these against the gains achieved by the Affordable Care Act, of which I believe there were many."
Among the gains cited by Warner were coverage for preexisting conditions, equal prices for men and women, and keeping children on parents' plans until age 26. As good as these provisions may sound to Obamacare advocates, they yield no benefit to the 250,000 Virginians who lost coverage due to the ACA.
Warner blamed "penny-pinching business owners for putting profit ahead of the public policy that all be insured. Saying that the costs of the ACA would bankrupt them is no excuse. They should have faith that the government would eventually cover their losses if that becomes necessary for the nation's overall well-being."
In related news, Logan Clements, producer of the film "Sick and Sicker: ObamaCare Canadian Style," has been hit with an IRS audit. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen insisted that "the selection of Clements for audit was completely random. Unfortunately, the documents verifying this were among those lost due to one of the many computer crashes that have plagued our agency."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate.
Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan "common sense. Rather than have these students learn about this in back alleys and lavatories we're bringing it out into the open."
Skokowsky tried to reassure parents, telling them that "trained professionals from places like the Mustang Ranch will be brought in to conduct the demonstrations. Only the most tried and effective techniques will be displayed. Enabling our students to efficiently achieve sexual self satisfaction will better prepare them for life."
A side benefit, according to the Superintendent "is a projected decline in unwanted pregnancies when these kids are teenagers. If they learn that they can attain orgasm without needing a partner they're less likely to engage in dangerous liaisons with members of the opposite sex."
Liberal Blogger Says Obamacare a "Hidden Success Story"
Ezra Klein, editor of the on-line blog Vox, maintains that "continuing reports of Obamacare failures and deficiencies are being exaggerated by the media. The reality is that the program is a roaring success."
"People who have been forced to obtain a new plan at a higher cost are overlooking the broader social gains the Affordable Care Act has brought to America," Klein argued. "Those who focus on only their own experiences are myopically selfish in their outlook. The truth is that a vast number of people who previously lacked health insurance are now qualified for government-subsidized health care."
Klein characterized the complaints as "mostly from individuals who are disgruntled over having to bear a fairer share of the medical costs of those less well off than themselves. If we are to secure the blessings of social justice for ourselves and posterity those who can must help those who can't help themselves. Labeling those who can't as lazy isn't a valid rationale for not helping them. Some people are genetically predisposed to be energetic. Others are not. Winning the DNA lottery cannot be used as an argument for denying the losers an equitable piece of the human pie."
"We need a sort of Miranda-type policy for health care," Klein asserted. "If the minority who find themselves in need of an attorney they can't afford have one provided to them at government expense, then surely the much larger contingent of persons in need of medical care they can't afford ought to have similar rights to have doctors and hospitals provided for them at government expense. In an ideal world, the government would ensure that everyone's needs were met and that all who are able work to their utmost to fulfill these needs."
Clinton Forecasts New Corporate Ethic
Former President Bill Clinton told a gathering of Democrats that "the phenomenon of businesses grubbing for profit will wane in the coming years. Corporate leaders with the appropriate guidance from government will turn away from the selfish pursuit of gains for stockholders and toward a role that advances social justice."
Clinton denied that there was any hypocrisy in his stance seeing that his own estimated net worth exceeds $100 million and his fees for giving speeches are in the six to seven figure range. "It is important that those of us with a clear vision of where society needs to go are not hampered by lack of resources to get the message out," he said. "People who truly understand our agenda wouldn't begrudge us the means to make it happen."
The ex-prez expressed confidence that "the American voters appreciate what we're trying to do. I think they'll help grant Hillary the power she needs by electing her the next president in 2016."
Holder Resigns as AG
Eric Holder announced that he is stepping down as the nation's Attorney General. The ingratitude of the American people and the constant criticisms of Republicans were cited as compelling reasons for quitting.
"Though I've done more than any previous Attorney General to reshape the way our laws are enforced I am badgered by contentions that I have veered too far outside the legitimate bounds of my authority," Holder groused. "History will show that these bounds were too narrow if true justice is to be obtained. Nevertheless, as important as this crusade for people's justice remains, I am exhausted."
Representative Darrel Issa (R-Calif) dismissed Holder's complaints as "a diversion. Holder has clearly been the worst AG this nation has ever had. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been intimately involved in a variety of DOJ misdeeds and cover-ups. Had he stayed on it was just a matter of time before he'd have been compelled to testify or, like so many of his co-conspirators, take the 5th to avoid doing so."
Racial justice expert Al Sharpton says that "while I regret that this great civil servant has been forced from office for trying to do the right thing, I will work with President Obama to select the best replacement possible."
One potential person Sharpton said he is considering recommending is actor Jamie Foxx. "Those who saw him in Django Unchained know that he will be an uncompromising enforcer of both the written and unwritten laws the President is trying to give to America," Sharpton declared. "He would strike fear into racists everywhere. They would know that he wouldn't hesitate to take direct action to bring them down, that the days of white officers gunning down black men are over. We'll see how they like it when the tables are turned."
People Shouldn't Want to Live Past Age 75
Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the chief architects of the Affordable Care Act, says people should want to die at age 75.
"Let's face it, the vast majority of those over age 75 have nothing positive to contribute to society," Emanuel wrote in an essay for Atlantic. "In both physical and mental terms they're pretty accurately described as 'decepit.' Their bodies and minds are just rotting in their shells."
"It would be best if they could be persuaded to exit peacefully at their own hand—perhaps with the aid of a physician-prescribed suicide drug," Emanuel suggested. "Heaven knows this would be more humane and cost-effective than stringing out their years with expensive medical treatments that exact a heavy toll on society's scarce resources."
"The lingering presence of humanity's dead weight threatens to bankrupt our health care system," the essay added. "It may be necessary to limit these oldsters' claims on that system. Fortunately, the mechanisms in place under the Affordable Care Act already authorize the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services to carry out a triage process that will allocate access to medical treatments. No longer will we remain helpless slaves to an ideology that permits individual selfishness to trump the collective good of society."
US Forrest Service to Charge for Taking Pictures of Trees
Hungry for a means to supplement is budget, the US Forrest Service is proposing new regulations that would allow it to charge visitors $1500 if they want to take pictures in wilderness areas.
Liz Close, the Forest Service's acting wilderness director, called the new fees "essential to our mission. These wilderness areas belong to the government. Why shouldn't we get revenue from what is our property?"
Close warned against thinking that "these areas are too vast for us to enforce collection. We are watching from both the ground and the air. Rangers randomly patrol with orders to seize any cameras used by persons who cannot show that they have paid the fee. Airborne drones can cover extensive acreage and help guide ground forces to intercept illicit photographers throughout our territory."
For now, drone launched missiles are not part of the plan, but could be deployed in the future if needed. "It has already been established that the President has the authority to order the use of deadly force against American citizens without having to go through cumbersome judicial channels," Close pointed out. "So, if more restrained methods prove inadequate we can always up the ante."
President Downplays Traffic Woes Caused by His Motorcades
As usual, President Obama's recent trip to the United Nations to give a speech sparked tremendous traffic jams in New York City. Not to worry, though, it's not so bad.
"I hear a lot of hype about New York traffic, but it didn't look too bad to me," the President said. "All the stories of bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go traffic that I've heard showed no signs on my trip to the UN."
While Obama did concede that his experience may have been abnormal compared to what ordinary drivers have to deal with, he insisted that "putting up with a little extra congestion when I'm in town is a price that loyal Americans should willingly pay. They recognize that my time is more valuable than their time. A million trips each taking an additional 10 minutes of a common person's time are easily outweighed by 10 minutes of my time that is saved by barricading all the streets along my route from the airport to my destination."
As proof of his assertion, the President reminded everyone that "New York City went heavily for me in both presidential elections. I think this shows the people of this city understand the sacrifices required of them."
ISIS Urges Muslims to "Rise up and Kill Disbelievers"
Enraged that President Obama Secretary of State John Kerry continue to maintain that the Islamic State is not Islamic, ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani called upon Muslims around the world to randomly select and slay disbelievers.
"These ignorant men know nothing about Islam if they persist in uttering these slanders," al-Adnani fumed. "They may hide behind bodyguards, bullet-proof glass, or the entire armed forces of their country, but the people who elected them cannot escape the fury of the faithful. They walk around oblivious to the knives, guns, and bombs that righteous Muslims will kill them with."
Al-Adnani had high praise for "the heroic action of Alton Nolen who has heeded our call and attacked two unbelievers in Oklahoma. The American police can insist all they want that these are not religiously inspired executions, but everyone knows better."
"There is only one way for people to save their lives," al-Adnani said. "There is only one path to peace. All must come over to the Islamic faith. They must cease their resistance to Allah's will. They must lay down their arms and submit. Only then will they be safe from destruction."
Cities Step Up Efforts to Crush Deviant Behavior
The Seattle City Council passed a new ordinance that will fine people for throwing away too much food. The concern is that this discarded food should be composted rather than just trashed.
"Our growth rate for recycling has stalled," complained Council member Sally Bagshaw. "The notion of some city residents that they need not participate in this effort is erroneous. A successful program requires the full compliance of every citizen."
To enforce the stricter rules the City will empower trash collectors to examine a family's discards to determine whether any items found could have been recycled. "We've taken voluntary obedience about as far as it can go," Bagshaw said. "We must not shy away from using the 'stick' if that is what it takes to keep people in line."
Meanwhile, in Montville, New Jersey, the town council is mulling over an ordinance that would authorize police to conduct warrant-less searches of private dwellings in a bid to curb underage drinking.
"The theory that this might be an unconstitutional invasion of privacy is invalidated by the fact that cities in this state have enacted 300 similar ordinances," Montville attorney Fred Semrau contended. "The four walls of a home should not serve to conceal illegal consumption of alcohol."
As for any damage that might occur when police break into private teenage drinking parties, Semrau laid the responsibility on the parents. "If parents would exert proper control over their children external interventions like this wouldn't be necessary."
RFK Jr. Demands Censorship of Climate Skeptics
Environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. opined that those skeptical of the dangers of climate change ought to be silenced.
"I'm really tired of arguing with these people," Kennedy complained. "It's a drain on my energy. It takes time away from restructuring society along more socially beneficial lines."
Kennedy suggested that "climate skeptics should be put on trial at the Hague as 'war criminals.' Whether people realize it or not, we are at war for the planet's future. On one side are those who want to save the planet. On the other are people who want to stop us from saving the planet."
"If we don't save the planet everyone will die," Kennedy continued. "The actions that would lead to such a catastrophe are a worse crime than any committed by Hitler. So why should these climate change deniers be treated any more leniently than we would've treated Hitler had he not committed suicide?"
Veep Says Tea Party "Worse than Republicans"
Vice-President Joe Biden castigated the Tea Party as "worse than Republicans. Democrats have their differences with the GOP, but we all agree on the need for the strong hand of government to control things. The Tea Party, though, is just anti-government. They don't just want to take turns in the driver's seat. They want to dismantle the machine and turn individuals loose to fend for themselves."
To help illustrate his point, Biden pointed out that "House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) was recently quoted saying that he is Obama's best friend. You'll never hear something like that from a Tea Party guy. In my book, anyone who can't be friends with the President is a danger to this country."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Dem Operative Says Obama Planning 'October Surprise'
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Long-time Democratic Party operative Bob Beckel says GOP hopes of taking control of both Houses of Congress will be thwarted by an "October surprise."
"Republicans who are counting on the President's unpopularity to spark a vote against Congressional Democrats are in for a rude awakening," Beckel predicted. "On Sunday, November 2nd President Obama will go on national TV and announce his resignation. Relieved of this albatross, embattled Democrats should be able to cruise to the finish line on top on November 4th."
"Then on the third day, November 5th, President Obama will rise like Jesus did, and resume his role as the country's leader," Beckel bragged. "The genius of the plan is that just saying you resign on TV is not an official act under our laws. It is analogous to a political promise—it has no weight and can be broken at the discretion of the promise-maker. Meanwhile, the objective of the phony resignation will have been accomplished: the Democrats retain control of the Senate and take back the majority in the House."
Beckel conceded that a November announcement wasn't strictly an October surprise, but argued that "it fits the spirit of the concept while employing Obama's uniquely persuasive political talents. Remember, he got into office in 2008 by promising hope and change. Even though the changes he's introduced have not brought hope to the majority of Americans, voters still reelected him in 2012. This ploy will enable him to turn the tables on the GOP and add dozens of Republican Congressional scalps to his belt."
A different take on the Democrats' election chances was offered by First Lady Michelle Obama who ventured that "once voters reflect on the real achievements Barack has made and yet may make they'll give him the Democratic Congressional majorities he needs to finish the job."
Among the achievements listed by Michelle were "allowing millions to permanently leave the work-a-day rat race of full time employment and enjoy more leisure time without having to worry where their next meal is coming from. More Americans than ever before are getting free food, free housing, free cell phones…you name it. And plans are underway to ensure that those who need it will get free cars. Voters can punch their tickets to this paradise by filling Congress with as many Democrats as they can."
Student Punished for Sharing His Lunch
Weaverville Elementary School eighth grader Kyle Bradford was sent to detention for sharing his burrito with another student.
Tom Barnett, the Superintendent of the Trinity Alps Unified School District explained that "there is a district wide policy that prohibits students from exchanging the meals that the school provides. In this particular instance Mr. Bradford's apparent act of kindness was undermining the school's food allocation decisions."
The student Bradford gave half of his burrito to had been "allocated" a cheese sandwich that was not to his liking. Bradford was unimpressed by the school's rationale and undeterred regarding potential future food sharing. "If a friend wants a portion of my meal I would definitely share with him," he said.
Barnett characterized Bradford's stance as "an invitation to anarchy. A 13 year old is not qualified to decide who should eat what. That decision is reserved to school nutrition experts. We will not hesitate to use progressively severe sanctions if that is what it takes to attain the compliance we require. If detentions don't get the message across there is always suspension or expulsion. Students must learn that obedience is not optional."
In related news, Ramay Junior High School in Fayetteville, Arkansas ordered 13-year-old Chloe Rubiano to remove her "virginity rocks" t-shirt. Principal Matt Saferite, winner of Arkansas' Principal of the Year for Secondary Schools last year, explained that "the message on the shirt is an implied criticism of students who were unable to attain that goal. It's a sort of reverse scarlet letter that can harm some students' self esteem."
Female Democrat Heavyweights Assert "Congress Is out of Touch on Women's Issues"
A roundtable discussion at the Center for American Progress agreed that "Congress is out of touch on women's issues." Contributors to this conclusion included former Secretary of State and aspiring Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, Democratic Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and Patty Murray (Wash), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif), and Rep. Rosa DeLauro (Conn).
"Women bear nearly 100% of the physical burden of procreation, yet do not exercise 100% of the power to determine how these children shall be raised and cared for," Clinton observed. "Women who are married have to share authority with their children's fathers. This cultivates feelings of dependency that eat away at women's self esteem."
Sen. Murray pointed out that "while all children have equal needs, not all have access to equal resources. The children of fathers with good jobs can enjoy a more enriched life experience. Children whose fathers are absent, unemployed, or in jail are deprived of their rightful share of life's bounties."
Rep. Pelosi suggested that "a just society would even out the discrepancies. Ideally, all earnings from all fathers would be put into a common pool and be doled out based on children's needs. Children wouldn't be penalized because their fathers were inadequate providers. The more productive fathers' outputs would be shared more broadly rather than be used to spoil their own offspring."
Sen. Gillibrand warned that "we mustn't get hung up on the idea that every woman wants to be a mother. If Congress really respected women it would fully guarantee that every one of them can obtain an abortion at her own discretion. Our only hope of bringing this fundamental principle of justice to America is to support Democrats at every level of government. We must end the obstructionism and patriarchy embodied in the Republican Party."
Attorney General Calls for More Racial Balance in People Police Shoot
Referencing the events in Ferguson, Missouri, US Attorney General Eric Holder called for more racial balance in the people police shoot.
"What we had in Ferguson was a white officer shooting a Black teenager," Holder recounted. "When we look at over all statistics, white officers shooting African-Americans is disproportional to their representation in the population. This establishes a prima facie case that racism is playing a role in the use of deadly force."
"We need to ask some hard questions," Holder contended. "Why isn't there a more proportionately balanced representation of America's population when it comes to police shootings? Why are African-Americans so frequently victimized by law enforcement? What can we do to restore a more equitable distribution of the carnage?"
The Attorney General asserted that "clearly, white officers need to undergo some form of attitude adjustment. Sensitivity training may be part of that. But I doubt that will be enough. It may be time for an affirmative action program aimed at achieving a balance that has thus far eluded us. Every police department needs to keep detailed records of the racial composition of those their officers shoot. When these records show a racial imbalance steps must be taken to rectify that."
Not everyone was pleased with Holder's approach. Racial justice expert Al Sharpton blamed "unduly restrictive laws. There are too many things that are illegal in this country. Take the case of Michael Brown in Ferguson. This young man's personal efforts to collect reparations for 400 years of repression shouldn't have resulted in him getting shot. Taking a few cigars and resisting Officer Wilson—the armed enforcer of racial subjugation for the benefit of white America—were righteous acts of rebellion. The law needs to be modified to recognize this."
In related news, Holder issued a decree prohibiting states from adopting zoning laws that might have the effect of blocking the establishment of Mosques or Islamic culture centers in areas where they are needed. "Islam commands its adherents to spread the religion in any way that they can," Holder said. "They need to be able to set up shop near the populations they are targeting for their proselytizing mission."
IRS Commissioner Taunts Congress
Internal Revenue Service (IRS) commissioner John Koskinen made light of Congressional efforts to probe his agency for evidence of wrongdoing.
At a House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee hearing Koskinen mocked committee members, saying that "hard drive crashes continue as we speak. We can erase files and destroy incriminating evidence faster than you can imagine where to look."
Charges that IRS employees broke the law and broke file retention protocols elicited only a chuckle from the Commissioner. "Congress is not my boss," Koskinen pointed out. "I answer to the President. Last I heard, he thinks we're doing fine."
Koskinen belittled any actions that might be taken against him or his agency as "the impotent frothing of an irrelevant artifact of a form of government that no longer exists in this country. If Congress censures me, so what? Should a court find me guilty the President will pardon me. Why should I worry?"
In related news, CIA Director John Brennan refused to tell lawmakers who authorized the illegal surveillance of Senate Intelligence Committee computers. "Members of Congress do not have the appropriate security clearance to be privy to that information," Brennan claimed. "I have spent my career protecting secrets. I'm not about to turn them over to the kind of blathering loudmouths who run Congress."
Americans Fighting for ISIS Shouldn't Lose Passports, Congressional Candidate Says
The suggestion that Americans leaving the country to join ISIS ought to forfeit their passports was rejected by Iowa Democratic Congressional candidate Staci Appel during her televised debate with her GOP opponent David Young.
"The right to travel is fundamental to what it means to be an American," Appel maintained. "A person shouldn't have to worry that someone else will judge the reasons for his travel as illegitimate. What if the American tries to join ISIS but is rejected for some reason? Shouldn't he still have a home country to return to? What if he fights for ISIS for a while and needs to come back for some R&R or to visit with family? What if he tires of slaying unbelievers and wants to leave ISIS? Do we really want to bar the door to his return?"
Young added his own questions to Appel's litany. "What if ISIS sends this American back to the United States on a mission of mayhem? Might not guarding against this possibility be a good reason to throw up a roadblock against it by revoking the passports of those known to have left the US in order to join ISIS?"
Candidate Says Illegal Immigrants Have Earned Right to Receive Welfare
Democratic gubernatorial candidate Rep. Mike Michaud (Maine) says he is opposed to the idea of curtailing the eligibility for welfare payments to illegal immigrants.
"These people have undertaken a long, arduous, and often dangerous journey to get here," Michaud said. "That took courage and determination. Welfare payments are a meager reward for enduring these treks. It would be niggardly of us to deny them after they've crossed the finish line."
Under Maine law, illegal immigrants are not eligible for state funded welfare payments. Nonetheless, several cities have defied the law and paid out public funds to them. Portland disburses over $200,000 per month to ineligible illegal immigrants—a practice that Michaud promises will become legal once he is elected governor.
State Senator Eloise Vitelli (D-Augusta) said she supports Michaud's position on the issue. "If we cut them off from benefits it's like we're telling them they wasted their time coming here," Vitelli contended. "That seems a cold and unwelcoming attitude to me."
Retiring Senator Endorses Hillary for President
Retiring Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) gave a ringing endorsement to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's presidential ambitions.
"Most people think that she is a moderate, kind of middle-of-the-road type of politician," Harkin said. "This is way off the mark. She is much farther to the left and a lot more progressive in her thoughts and her inclination than most people may think. That's why she has my unconditional support should she choose to run for president in 2016."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Mexican President Calls Perry Border Policy "Unneighborly"
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto castigated Texas Governor Rick Perry's deployment of National Guard troops on the U.S.-Mexican border as "unneighborly. He's like that Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino telling my people to get off his lawn."
"For decades my people have become accustomed to the ability to pass freely between our two countries," Peña said. "In our minds this clearly establishes an 'easement' right to travel over these roads and pathways. For Governor Perry to suddenly seek to terminate these rights is an affront."
Peña indicated that he plans to bring the issue up before the United Nations. "America's trampling of human rights has become a growing problem for us," Peña complained. "While the United States may be the 800 lb. gorilla in our bilateral relationship they can't stand against the whole of humanity represented by the UN."
UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon promised "to give this matter serious consideration. The Earth belongs to all of humanity. The right of any individual to move about in any part of it cannot be denied by any secular power. The fact that Mexicans have been crossing the Texas border unopposed for generations would seem to have built a strong case for the easement right claimed by President Peña."
Peña brushed off contentions that his country has also been unneighborly by continuing to imprison US Marine Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi for inadvertently crossing into Mexico with guns in the trunk of his vehicle. "There is no right to bear arms in Mexico," Peña pointed out. "If we let this man go it will set a bad example for others. His case is in no way comparable. First off, he is one man. The persons impacted by Governor Perry's edict number in the tens, maybe hundreds of thousands. Few of them are armed, but even if they were, America's Constitution guarantees their right to own and carry firearms."
School Confiscates American Flags from Students
Woodruff High School in Spartanburg, South Carolina confiscated American flags from the vehicles of four students this past week.
The school's principal, Aaron Fulmer, explained that "professions of patriotism do not write a 'blank check' for egregious behavior. Many of our undocumented students may feel intimidated by such flagrant demonstrations. And as President Obama has pointed out, the American flag, like the Confederate flag, is seen as a symbol of oppression in many parts of the world."
"Flaunting so-called American exceptionalism also contradicts the lesson of humility our school is trying to inculcate," Fulmer said. "The United States is just one country out of hundreds. It is inappropriate for students to be acting like America is special and somehow better than anywhere else."
Fulmer was less certain about the possibility of confiscating other flags that have been brandished around the country. "A Mexican flag may be a reassuring symbol of a far away home that an immigrant misses," Fulmer speculated. "Who are we to take that away from them?"
As for confiscating the ISIS flags that have popped up elsewhere, Fulmer admitted that "that would be difficult. I wouldn't know the flag if I saw it. And I wouldn't want to risk angering some very dangerous people."
IRS Poised to Start Taxing Employer Provided Lunches
Some employers provide employees with company-paid free lunches. The idea is to keep workers at their desks and improve productivity. The expense has normally been lumped in with other expenses as a cost of doing business. The IRS now wants to tax these lunches as income to the employees.
IRS spokesperson Jason Coveter explained that "most employees have to furnish their own lunches. Whether they go out and buy it or bring it from home, they are bearing this cost themselves. It is unfair for other employees to get a lunch paid for by their employer. We're just trying to level the playing field."
The "leveling" will be retroactive "to help rectify previous wrongs," according to Coveter. "We're going to try to go back at least a few years if we can," he said. "Consuming free lunches is kind of a social crime and we're using a sort of 'statute of limitations' model that would impose a significant penalty, but not an unlimited one."
Some taxpayers could end up owing thousands in back taxes and penalties. Not to worry says Coveter, though. "We will have easy payment plans in place that will allow those who owe to pay in installments over the course of a year or two."
Other employer provided amenities that are in line for future IRS scrutiny include free parking, heating/cooling, lights, and toilet facilities. "Those are all things that the employee has to pay for when he's at home," Coverter said. "There's no good reason why he should be relieved of the cost of these burdens just because he's at work."
Germany Strikes Blow Against ISIS
The German Government has decided to strike back against the ISIS reign of terror in Iraq and Syria by revoking its access to civic amenities.
Included in the ban would be the total loss of privileges to use public facilities such as meeting rooms at libraries, ramadas at public parks, and participation in public parades. In addition, security personnel at sporting events will be instructed to deny admittance to anyone wearing Isis symbols including hats, t-shirts or other garb with the organization's insignia.
Defense minister Thomas de Mazière, characterized the restrictions as "a measured response. We want to give them the chance to feel the bite of these penalties and see if it reforms their behavior before considering more aggressive actions."
Holder Says Arming Mexican Drug Cartels "Our Ace in the Hole" vs. ISIL Infiltrators
While a key part of President Obama's strategy to combat ISIL involves arming supposed enemies of that organization, a program that has previously been roundly criticized is now being bandied about as "prescient" and "visionary" by Attorney General Eric Holder. The program: "Fast and Furious."
"What the President's critics have lambasted as wrongheaded and improvident is starting to look pretty good now that ISIL has vowed to infiltrate the United States via our southern border," Holder bragged. "The Mexican drug cartels are very territorial about what crosses over this border. They won't be too friendly toward ISIL actions that may threaten their smuggling profits."
Holder hailed "the toughness of these people. As we have seen they are every bit as vicious as the thugs running ISIL. They have murdered hundreds—many by beheading. And with the huge volume of firearms we have helped them acquire they are well-prepared to defend their perceived turf against these ISIL interlopers."
Jennifer Lasley, a senior official in the Department of Homeland Security's intelligence and analysis office concurred in Holder's take on the issue. "These Mexican gangs are scary. Setting them up to be our first line of defense against potential ISIL infiltration was a stroke of genius that the Administration won't get enough credit for."
It's possible, though, that ISIL might use a portion of its profits from sale of oil from the wells it seized in Iraq to bribe the cartels for a truce and passage through their border fiefdoms. Should this occur, Holder vowed that "we will put our heads together to try to come up with a 'plan B.'"
In related news, Rep. Eddie Johnson (D-Tex) argues that "the beheading of those journalists doesn't warrant the war President Obama now seems eager to initiate. That was only two guys. As many or more are murdered every week in the President's home town. So, is he going to launch air strikes against the gangs that are terrorizing the streets of Chicago? Aren't they more dangerous to more Americans than ISIS?"
Senator Udall Says Debates "Not Part of My Strategy"
Sitting Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) refuses to debate his GOP opponent Cory Gardner, saying that a proposed televised debate is "not part of my strategy for reelection."
"These live debates are such a crap shoot," Udall groused. "You can't carefully craft your message. You only have a few seconds to compose answers to off-the-wall questions. The risk of a misstatement is high."
Rather than endanger the major investment his campaign has made in focus group-vetted platitudes by debating, Udall expressed satisfaction with his plan to bombard voters with dinner-time robocalls. "The beauty of these is that a candidate has total control over what is said," he boasted. "A brief message that pushes a couple of key buttons can reach thousands of voters per hour. Why should I ruin that by stumbling through a debate?"
Press Secretary Chides Golf Clubs
The Trump National Golf Club, Winged Foot and Willow Ridge rejected requests to let President Obama play on their golf courses over the Labor Day weekend. This mightily irked Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest.
"These clubs put the needs and convenience of their members ahead of the needs and convenience of the President of the United States," Earnest charged. "It's a clear case of misplaced priorities."
The inconveniences to golf club members would've been substantial. All other golfers would've been barred from the course while the President played through.
"Where's their sense of patriotism?" Earnest wondered. "The President is Commander-in-Chief. Where's their sense of social conscience? Their club members are part of the wealthiest segment of society. The President is the representative of all the people, including the lowliest among us. Where's their sense of humanity? The President has the hardest job in the world. Surely that entitles him to some much needed relaxation. It's just so cruel and unfair."
To try to make amends, Donald Trump offered to allow Obama unlimited access to all of the golf courses he owns if the President would only resign from office. "His mouthpiece is asking for a sense of humanity," Trump observed. "How about a win-win situation where Obama is relieved of his burdens while the world is rescued from his incompetence?"
Kerry Says Islamic State Is Not Islamic
US Secretary of State John Kerry challenged ISIL's definition of itself and insisted that the self-proclaimed Islamic State is not, in fact, Islamic.
"I studied Islam in college," Kerry asserted. "None of the books I read or classes I took mentioned anything about beheading unbelievers or raping women. I'll stack this up against the mutterings of an uneducated terrorist any day of the week."
Palestinian-Jordanian politician Muhammad Bayoudh Al-Tamimi disagreed with Kerry and maintained that ISIL's "actions and words stem directly from the Quran and Sunna—two of Islam's most sacred texts."
A spokesman for ISIL suggested that "perhaps this chattering moron, Kerry, has not read the right books or listened to the words of practicing believers. If he falls into our hands we will give him the opportunity to rectify this gap in his education. Then we will cut his head off as the Quran commands."
IRS Chief Says "We Try to Follow the Law Whenever We Can"
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means subcommittee that "as a general rule, we try to follow the law whenever we can." Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), who leads the subcommittee, expressed the idea that the IRS ought to always follow the law and asked for instances in which Koskinen thought breaking the law might be necessary.
"Laws are such static things," Koskinen observed. "They don't necessarily provide for every possible contingency. If the President feels that there is a gap in the law we're not going to allow ourselves to be stymied by the lack of legislative authorization for what needs to be done."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Kerry Says ISIS Will Be Destroyed Within Three Years
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: "massive wrongful death lawsuits."
"These thugs might think they're cute filming the decapitation of their victims," Kerry said. "But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages."
"No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do," the Secretary boasted. "With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs' bar will eviscerate ISIS's defenses and use their own words and videos against them. Financial ruin and public humiliation for these goons is just a matter of time."
Kerry invited observers "to compare our innovative and nuanced approach with the clumsy efforts of the Bush Administration's so-called 'war on terror.' In our plan, instead of putting US troops at risk, all the heavy lifting will be done by lawyers filing suits and attaching liens to every asset ISIS possesses."
According to Kerry, a side benefit of the Administration's strategy to sue ISIS into submission is that "it allows us to conserve our resources to fight the greater threat of global warming. The massacres perpetrated by ISIS are a mere pin prick compared to the devastation that climate change will wreak on the planet. If we do not prevail in this greater fight Foley and Sotloff will be remembered as the lucky ones."
ABC's Good Morning America, co-host George Stephanopoulos called this "sue the bastards" strategy "amazingly ingenious. It opens an arena of conflict at which this nation excels. The skills ISIS has nurtured in beheading captives, raping women, and killing children will be completely useless against the hordes of attorneys we can deploy against them. I think the Administration has once again turned the table on its critics."
Senator to Issue Report Absolving IRS
Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate's Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations is preparing a report that will absolve the IRS and Lois Lerner of any wrongdoing in the campaign to target and harass conservative political organizations.
"Those who have alleged that Lerner and the IRS took it upon themselves to conduct a vendetta against conservative organizations have it all wrong," Levin alleged. "Evidence has emerged that the IRS was acting upon urgent requests from highly placed members of the government. Bureaucrats being responsive to the needs of the government is behavior we should be encouraging not punishing."
The highly placed members of the government cited by Levin included himself and fellow Senators Richard Durbin (D-Ill), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), Tom Udall (D-Colo), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), Al Franken (D-Minn), Michael Bennet (D-Colo), and Jeff Merkley (D-Ore).
"When a Senator is on the other end of the phone or email, a public servant's duty must be to assist in whatever way he or she can," Levin insisted. "These requests must be expedited, not impeded by excessive attention to rules and regulations. It was not Ms. Lerner's job to insert her judgment as a barrier to carrying out the wishes of the people who vote on the appropriations to fund the agency she works for."
In addition to the procedural arguments raised in defense of the IRS, Senator Levin pointed out that "substantively, the organizations flagged by the Senators were reasonably suspected of anti-government views and activities. It was the IRS' patriotic duty to interdict these organizations in whatever way it could in order to help thwart their attempts to undermine the President and his loyal supporters."
UN Defends Refusal to Evacuate Non-Combatants in Gaza
In its efforts to minimize collateral damage in its campaign against Hamas terrorists who were launching rocket attacks against Israeli civilians, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) asked UN "peace keepers" in Gaza to help Palestinian civilians evacuate the combat zone. The UN refused this request.
UN spokesperson Penelope Ironside explained that "the idea that civilians should be removed from the battle zone conflicted with the explicit strategy of one of the contending sides. For us to have assisted in their removal would have compromised the UN's position as a neutral party."
"The conflict between Israel and Hamas is asymmetrical," Ironside added. "Hamas cannot effectively oppose the IDF in head-to-head combat. Embedding its weapons in the midst of Palestinian civilians impedes the IDF's path. For us to have facilitated the removal of these persons would've been tantamount to taking sides."
"Secondly, the whole notion that civilians are merely innocent bystanders is not accepted by Hamas," Ironside continued. "What Israel insists are innocent victims of their rocket attacks, Hamas sees as legitimate targets. Jewish women and children are illegally occupying Palestinian lands. Maybe the Hamas rocket attacks will make them leave."
Biden Says Hoarders Are Retarding Economy
Citing a paper released this week by the St. Louis Federal Reserve, Vice-President Joe Biden blamed American consumers for the sluggish economy.
"The government is doing everything it can to try to stimulate the economy," Biden contended. "The federal government is spending every dollar it can get its hands on. The Federal Reserve is manufacturing new dollars at an unprecedented pace. But consumers are just sitting on their cash."
"Hoarding cash makes no sense," the Veep argued. "The dollar's purchasing power is being diluted on a daily basis by government policies. Spending your dollars before they lose even more value is what you should do."
Biden dismissed concerns that people might be saving out of fear of losing their jobs, saying that "there's no need for anyone to provide their own safety net. In fact, depleting all your assets and means of subsistence makes you eligible for the maximum amount of public assistance."
"If private hoarding continues the government may have to implement a more vigorous escheatment process in order to put these idle funds to better use," Biden suggested. "I mean, if people are just sitting on inactive balances in savings accounts the government has the need and the right to seize these funds and inject them into the flow of commerce."
NY Board of Elections Cracks Down on Unauthorized Speech
Concerned that "unelected persons might defame elected officials," the New York Board of Elections has declared that no one may criticize a sitting officeholder without first forming a "political action committee."
Executive Director Todd Valentine asserted that "the notion that everyone is free to say whatever they want about members of the government is a misunderstanding of the concept of freedom of speech. If you're talking about or to another private citizen you can say whatever you want. But if you want to criticize the governor, mayor, or a member of the legislature or city council you need to file with us."
Those who engage in criticisms without gaining prior approval from the Board may be fined up to $1,000 per offense. If, for example, you pass out 50 flyers opposing the reelection of your current senator—you'd be liable for a potential fine of $50,000.
Valentine was unconcerned that the regulations might discourage some citizens from participating in public debate. "People who are serious about politics will make the effort to register as a political action committee," he contended. "Those not willing to take this minimal step have no business getting involved. The era of unregulated rogue commentaries is ended in this state. It's the least we can do for those who govern us."
In related news, the University of Minnesota student newspaper apologized "for any embarrassment we may have caused Senator Franken for attempting to schedule a debate between him and his Republican challenger Mike McFadden. Senator Franken has rightly pointed out that as the state's US Senator he should not be forced to demean himself by debating a person who is merely a private citizen. We can only hope that Senator Franken will forgive our youthful indiscretion on this sensitive matter."
Firm Punished for Verifying Employees' Residency
The Department of Justice has fined Culinaire International $20,000 for asking a prospective hiree to provide proof of legal residence.
"Demanding that employees show proof of citizenship or legal residence in this country is discriminatory," Attorney General Eric Holder asserted. "It explicitly contradicts the President's expressed wishes that all applicants whether in this country legally or not be treated equal."
Holder brushed aside state laws that penalize employers for not verifying residency status as irrelevant. "The possibility that a state may sanction an employer for not conducting such a verification is not my concern," Holder said. "The fact is Culinare violated our Administration's policies. We cannot allow that infraction to go unpunished."
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation's Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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