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So today I get a call from the county jail. AP is being released today. Then the DA's office calls to tell me he is getting sentenced next month. I look out my window and BH is loading up his truck. Then I get a call from him, saying we need to talk and is dinner tonight alright?
I've got a bad feeling the shit has hit the fan. I don't think he is sleeping and he is always running and working out. It is like he is a robot or something. He still sees the kids every day and he must be doing something right there, because the kids are very happy right now.
I've tried to just be helpful to him. I've offered to do his laundry since there isn't a washer or dryer in the barn. I've made him meals to take to work. He just says no thanks and he is fine.
He isn't fine! He's falling apart right in front of me and I want to help him. He doesn't want my help and I think he has stopped IC. I'm worried about him.
Which he didn't need to do.
First, I'm really glad you said this. I personally think he should have brought that up to you privately. I think it's very positive that you acknowledge it as something you didn't need for him to do.
He's falling apart right in front of me and I want to help him. He doesn't want my help and I think he has stopped IC. I'm worried about him.
You see your husband rejecting you offering him the perks of a home-making wife. I see a man who is doing his own laundry, making his own meals, and holding down a good job all while he's going through hell in his personal life. He IS NOT falling apart. If he was, he would not be functioning. He did his laundry and made his own meals just fine in the past. Ask yourself, are you actually worried about him functioning? Running and working out is GOOD for you and it's therapeutic for people who are going through trauma. He's doing well at his job and took it upon himself to get a less stressful position to help him. The kids are HAPPY with their time with him and you know they didn't take the news of D well. He's not just functioning, he's doing EXCEPTIONAL! Most people are not functioning as well as he is this close to DDay. He's getting all sorts of support and pats on the back for it here.
It's so clear to someone else that it's not about him not functioning. He IS functioning in every aspect but he's no longer functioning as your husband. He's no longer relying on you to help him along. Have you thought it's his success in functioning that's scaring you?
I've been following your story and have been reluctant to post because I'm not the best at giving advice.
But, I felt obliged to post because you seem way too wrapped up in what SWAT is going to do or say. You can't control the outcome of anything that is happening. I know we...and I say we because I do the same thing...want to try to manipulate the outcomes of things to our advantage, and you're doing it now.
I'm sure others will come along and tell you something similar, but it sounds like you're so concerned about what's going to happen and how much it's going to hurt, that you'll do anything within your power to soften the blow or to make everyone "happy"...for lack of a better word.
You say he isn't fine, but he says he is. You need to let him be the judge of that.
He's angry, and has every right to be. His anger isn't going to go away soon.
You need to let go of the outcome. You need to stop worrying about him. He's a big boy and can take care of himself.
In my opinion, I think you need to worry about you and stop trying to "win him back".
I'm worried about his health. He isn't taking care of himself right and it is starting to show. He filed for divorce, I get that. I can't change his mind and I've accepted the marriage is coming to an end. I'm working on me but I want him around for the kids.
Yay! I was wondering when you would post without a stop sign. I have some things I've wanted to say to you.
First of all don't panic. I'm a guy who's been betrayed before. He's simply processing everything that's going on and trying to disengage from you. That's normal. He's going through the stages of grief....sadness, pain, anger, etc. So don't panic. You must be patient as he works through his feelings. Remember, even in the best of scenarios, it takes between 2 and 5 years to get over an affair. You have a ways yet to go.
The fact that he wants to date you and talk is VERY reassuring. I think even though the divorce will probably go through, you'll still make it as a couple eventually. He's simply divorcing because he feels the need for justice and that's OK. It's obvious to anyone that he loves you. Remember that the next time he gets angry. The reason he's angry and hurt is he loves you. If he didn't, it wouldn't matter. I also want to point out that typically, the anger gets worse...especially in the 2nd year after Dday. That's also quite normal. Don't fret. This will pass.
Now on to a few thoughts and ideas I've had. First of all, be patient with his questions. He's going to ask the same questions over and over and over again. Again, quite normal. He wants to know if your story changes or if there's anything else. Don't lose faith or become impatient. Just answer them truthfully. Don't try to push him to reconcile if and when you see an improvement. Timing is everything.
Finally, just a suggestion. If it's already been made by someone else, I apologize. Why don't you start another journal. This time about Swat. Write down all your thoughts and fantasies just like before but instead of your OM, put Swat in his place. I know you feel all lovey dovey about Swat now that stuff has blown up. But guys want and need to be desired sexually just like women do. Write down what you would like Swat to do to and for you. DO NOT SHOW HIM the journal. For one thing, it's way too early in the process. Also, you want him to "find" it. He will eventually. I don't want to get too graphic, but one of the really hurtful things to betrayed men is the wife sometimes does things with the OM that she didn't do with him. You've already stated this was the case with the OM. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that was. However, men are territorial and don't like when other men play in our yard. We generally want to take back our territory if you know what I mean. This is going to be in the back of his mind for some time to come. It's up to you, but I would let him know that you are completely and utterly his......all of you. And if he would be so kind as to take back what's his. You can either tell him now or put in in the journal. He most likely won't but it will take away part of the hurt in him that another man has had a part of you he hasn't.
I've been praying for you and Swat for days now and I feel you guys are going to be fine. God isn't made at you by the way. He loves you just the way you are. We're all rooting for you SS17. Take care.
My husband changed after Dday. Lost a ton of weight. I saw the wrinkles in his brow. I saw the stress weigh on his shoulders. The exhaustion in his eyes. Nothing I could do would change that. Accept that this is how he is handling it. Not your choice. And you cant undo this. This is part of the process.
As far as journalling about Swat for him to find later? That totally feels like manipulation to me. There are other ways for her to make Swat feel loved without the journal bit. And what happens if she does journal and he finds it. Can you say massive trigger anyone??? JMHO.
God isn't made at you by the way. He loves you just the way you are.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
The dinners and conversations are a good sign. He is still wanting you around. And even though there's a D going thru, I think, as sucky as it is, that it's actually a good idea for you and swat. The way I see it, ending this marriage can be helpful to help you and swat start anew. Just because you two divorce doesn't mean that you can't be together. Keep working on yourself and maybe if the right progress is made, you can start a new stronger, honest, fully emotional opened marriage. I wish you both the best either way.
Hopeful reconciliation.
I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.
I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.
ETA - That doesn't mean we need to panic or be dramatic about it. I think SWAT needs some support is all.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:07 PM, June 20th (Friday)]
SS's overtures reek of manipulation and desperation. SWAT probably recognizes this too. He is probably suspicious of SS's "sudden" need to make sure he's ok.
He looks sick, he has lost way to much weight and none if his clothes fit.
This happened to my WW and me after D Day. Perfectly normal.
Really, can't a girl get a break?
You never know what life is going to give you, and really bad luck does find us from time-to-time. But I think for the most part we make our own breaks, good and bad.
Just from what I've read on here it sounds like life has given you some wonderful breaks recently. I'm sure you see how many of your "bad breaks" are actually just really bad choices that have predictable consequences.
Best wishes for you and your family's continued healing.
Now, back to you. I have a new why for you...
I've tried to just be helpful to him. I've offered to do his laundry since there isn't a washer or dryer in the barn. I've made him meals to take to work. He just says no thanks and he is fine.
He said he doesn't want your help. Since he doesn't want your help, why are you so eager to give it?
I've got a bad feeling the shit has hit the fan.
Can you clarify what you really mean by this? You said it directly after talking about him loading up his truck. Them you veered from the original topic discussing his health.
Then you go back to saying this
What exactly are you talking about? I can't help but feel this is a little cryptic. That maybe you discussing his health is secondary to some other message you trying to get across.
So today I get a call from the county jail. AP is being released today. Then the DA's office calls to tell me he is getting sentenced next month.
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman
When I was a cheater, I was a selfish bytch. When I was in R, I was as well.
I don't think you need to apologize for wanting R. For wanting to beg your BH for R. I am not sure that detaching and giving him space is right or not. All I can speak of is my personal experience. I smothered my BH with desperation and hope. I followed him around when he ran off to be angry. I begged him on my knees to stay. I remember running at full tilt after him when he left to drive around town drunk. Bad stuff.
I am not proud of those moments. On the other hand, if I had just turned away, I am not sure we would be together. I think at least for my BH, he needed to see that visceral, lowest-of-the low, sickness in me.
And then he needed to see I could recover.
I guess my point is... Do not be afraid to speak your mind and to put your heart on the line. Right now he may feel like you don't love him. I know words are cheap. But thy are something .
It will slow down and he will gain some of that weight back. SWAT will be fine.
Great advise here SS17. Believe in the words and let go of the outcome.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
When I let go we connected more and talked in ways we weren't able to before. We ended up broken up for other factors. Sosorry I understand the desperation but its not your help he wants. He must be able to be okay solo because you destroyed the team so he has to relearn how to live life as a single entity, that's healthy. He will stumble and go down and get up and walk again because he wants to survive this. Allow him to heal and be okay. Others see what he looks like as well if he needs help he has people to reach to. Work on you.
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
I'm not suggesting this is work you should have done already. This is early days. Nor am I suggesting that you should know, intuitively, how to do it. I am simply suggesting that you think about what this is really about, and then--with competent counsel--find ways to retool your thinking, when you're ready.
[This message edited by solus sto at 5:17 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
We meet and were having dinner and he was talking about us separating and what our expectations should be. He was talking about how depressed he was and how he just wished the whole mess would come to an end. He said he didn't have anything left to fight with. His depression had gotten worse and he didn't want to take any medications to fix it. He asked me if I thought the kids and I would be alright without him. He got really pale and started sweating. He said he had to leave and went into the parking lot. He collapsed in the parking lot and I called 911. He is currently in the cardiac care unit. His blood pressure and heart rate were so high they were surprised that he didn't have a stroke. The doctors said he had a "minor or mild" heart attack, but due to his excellent physical conditioning should make a complete recovery. They are concerned about his mental health though. One doctor said it seems he has given up the will to live.
I spent the night with him, but this morning he asked me to leave. He said he didn't want any visitors. He doesn't want to see the kids or my family.
There is a point where the depression kicks in deep.
The thing is you can keep telling him you love him, and the kids love him. And you have to tell him, he is needed.
Problem is he may not hear, this is hard. They will call in a pyshc doctor that is almost guaranteed and if needed you need to tell the doctor what is going on.
A lot of BH as I have read have gone through this part , part of the process. And please don't take this as me being coldhearted analysis. SWAT may need meds and if he is anything like my BH, the ego the *man* part of him thinks drugs are usless and no good and I don't need the help.
Sorry to all the BH out there is this is too generalized. Sorry, its what I hear from mine.
Your BH sounds like he needs extra help.
Mine list 4 sizes in pants, I lost 3 sizes in 3 months. So the weight loss, heart palpitations, night sweats, night mares, high blood pressure, that is *normal* suicidal thoughts. = needs extra help. .
Talk to the doctors. He will probably be pissed cause you talked about it however, I think he needs help too.
Please let us know how he is doing, stay strong, SWAT needs you more now than ever, do not loose your direction. You need to be strong , he needs you to be strong.
How are you feeling? Is there anything we can do to help you at this moment?
I would agree with Joanh, it is in my opinion crucially important that you immediately tell the doctors at the hospital about the nature of the conversation and your fear of his suicidal thoughts. They need to know the seriousness of the situation, otherwise they might decide to let him get out of the hospital without the help he needs.
He might be upset with you, at least for a while, for saying that, and I don't know how it would affect his job, but whatever it is, the cost is worth it if he will get the help he needs. Even if it's in the form of being held in the hospital until antidepressants start working (and antidepressants have a dangerous starting/interim period of several weeks where they can increase the suicidal thoughts, so it's important to be observed during that time - at least from my experience in taking them).
So make sure he either stays in the hospital while he's starting the treatment of ADs, or that he stays with your family (if I recall correctly, he gets along well with his BIL) and they have him under 24/7 surveillance, and make sure the kids are around him as much as possible.
That's it for now, I hope others will give their thoughts soon. I really really hope you will take care of yourself as well in these tough times, he needs and your kids need you to be strong! And you deserve to take care of yourself, your physical and mental health is important as well!
Best wishes to all of you
He needs a psych consult stat. Obviously you were 100% correct when you said he wasn't ok. He needs counseling and suicide watch. I know this is heart wrenching and terrifying for you.
I'm not sure if I can give good advice here but it doesn't sound like he can be relied upon to make healthy decisions for himself right this minute. Did you tell the doctors what he said to you? About wanting it all to come to an end and would you and the kids be alright without him? They need to know.
In your shoes I think I would fight for him. Not for the relationship at this point but for him. And encourage others that he loves to fight for him too. Make sure he knows that whether you are together are apart that you love him and will fight for him to find peace and happiness again in whatever way you can. Get him the help he needs. Tell the health care providers you are concerned he's suicidal.
He has been so strong throughout this whole mess. We've all been telling him how strong he is and what a BH rock star and hero he is. I worry the pressure to maintain that was too much for him to let himself fall apart and be weak when he needed to.
I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you both, as well as the kids and your family. There are so many of us behind you.
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺
What can we help with?
But the did say he has requested no visitors and that he said he doesn't want them talking about his treatment with me.
This is the depression talking.
One doctor said it seems he has given up the will to live.
He has given up. He is a protector for the most. He takes responsibility for not being able to protect his family from what has happened. Logically he knows its not his fault, his ego however can't accept that. He is facing the same scenario of his parents and his childhood.
He is trying to push you and the family away. He doesn't want a reason to live
Don't let him.
He loves you, he's said it and shown it many times. He needs you to prove you love him or he will give up.
Even though he is trying to push you away...what he really needs is you to prove you want to stay.
No matter what..don't give up...he really needs you now
Maybe it would be beneficial if the children drew pictures, made letters, made videos for daddy that the doctors could give to him?
Maybe you could write letters for him along with that, or maybe your family members. Just to let him know how much all of you love him and cherish him?
Maybe the kids could select a stuffed toy/action figure to give to him so that they could "watch out for him (SWAT)"?
And then he can decide if/when to read/view them or not.
I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas of how important people can be "there" with him without physicallly being present.
I am speechless. Up until now you and swat's situation was much like mine so I could speak from experience. Now all I can do is wish you luck.
Our thoughts are with you and swat.
Many of us have been quietly cheering you on, but today I am letting you know I am sending you both strength, good wishes, and prayers.
Please let him know he is loved and needed. Find a way.
The kids are upset because they haven't seen him. I explained he was sick and had to go to the hospital but they want to go see him. Middle boy has his doctor kit and wants to go make him better. Our daughter has already made him a card and picked flowers. How do I tell them he doesn't want to see them right now, when I don't really even know why?
(((((SS17, SWAT, and kids)))))
I'm keeping you,swat and your kids in my prayers.
From my understanding, enzymes confirm an actual heart attack. I think the enzyme is called CPK. You can probably Google that and get some basic information about what no CPK means. A good sign as I recall. But don't trust my limited and faulty medical knowledge. Doing a little research, like Wikipedia instead of bulshit holistic healing sites, will help you understand what the doctor is telling you.
He's is allowed to keep his medical information private, unfortunately.
So if you hear HIPAA regulations prevent blah blah blah, it's legit. Hospital staff's hands are tied. They can ask you for information, but can't disclose his information. Our medical professionals could explain it better than I can.
God bless all of you.
But I wanted to say: please just tell the kids that the doctors won't allow visits from them. Period. Don't tell them that their daddy doesn't want to see them. There's no way they can understand that without taking it personally.
Let the doctors take care of swat. You take care of you and your children. You need to do that for him too. And your kids really need you right now.
((((SS17, SWAT, and kids)))))
ETA: sorry... Now it shows up.... Very odd. Sorry to post same thing twice!
[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 2:01 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]
1. Great that they barged in and showed him how all of you care.
2. Tell your kids that Daddy loves them, but that he needs to rest and that when he can, he will see them. This is not lying, because he needs to rest, and when he will be able (mentally), he will see them.
Tell them all to 1. each select one of their toys to keep daddy company and 2. each draw a picture/make a card (like your daughter did), and then have someone (like your mom) take them to the hospital. That way, they'll have a feeling that they helped their dad.
Tell your middle boy that it's great he wants to help and that daddy will be proud when he'll hear how he wanted to help, but that at the moment he should pray for daddy (is your family religious) and help him by praying, and the doctors at the hospital will help him by doing doctor stuff.
3. maybe have a sleep-over at your parents' house, make an event (movie night, game night,...) that will help them break the routine and perhaps for a while take their mind off their dad. And maybe your mind will be able to relax just a little bit, which would be great.
I'm glad to hear you're doing well, considering the circumstances! Sending you all best wishes!
Emotional stress is particularly difficult for a problem-solver like SWAT. This isn't a situation where anyone can follow a procedural manual and fix everything. He can build houses and arrest criminals and any number of pretty incredible feats.
But he can't process your affair and figure out a way to make it better.
I wish I had better advice. It must be torture for you to see this stress consume him and you're the last person he's going to turn to for help right now. He needs your support network more than ever, and his make-up - what makes him SWAT - keeps him from gaining benefit from it.
Forcing the issue, unfortunately, will make things worse. He has to be the one to turn to you. Yet every time he thinks about it, there are reminders of your affair. Responsibilities he can do well - like install cameras and keep track of the legal process. But those add stress.
Hang in there. Just live your life as a good person, take good care of the kids, learn from your mistakes as we all do. Be the person you want to be and he'll see that - and it will, slowly, give him the encouragement he needs to move forward positively.
My dad and brother are here with me. They said he is mostly talking with SIL. They have always gotten along really well. They both have this we married into this crazy family thing going on.
He has a strong, caring family around him and I know you guys will get him the help he needs.
How are you doing? I know it's a scary time but you've already made a great start on your coping mechanisms, find that inner strength of yours and support your kids.
I hope SWAT is out of hospital soon and can start making a recovery.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:25 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
Your strong protective husband needs help, but he's not familiar with needing help and asking for help. He let it all bottle up inside of him, and this current event is the result of that.
He won't see you right now, you've got to respect that, but I like the idea of writing letters (and maybe number the envelopes in case he takes a week or so to read...you might want them in chronological order). And send as much stuff as you can from the children. That's what his heart needs.
Once he does start talking to you you have to let him know that you want him to lean on you. He has protected you for years. Now he needs protecting. I think your roller coaster is firmly rolling, but this event is very serious. You're going to have to go deep down inside yourself and find the strength he needs. Be his rock until he is able to be strong again.
I'm so sorry for all of your family.
(just a thought....when he is released, if he is still in strong depression, I think that he may try to confront AP!!! This of course would be a big mistake. I don't know what you can do to guard against that, just be aware of this potential risk).
Hugs to you.
[This message edited by JanetS at 3:48 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]
This all sounds very good. If he ever gets in a sharing mood you will want to know what his lipid panel looked like because he may need some diet changes and long term medications. He may be resistant to these interventions because of his personality type. Does he have a family history of heart disease, high blood pressure, or stroke?
ETA: CK, and CKMB could elevate due to lots of exercise or muscle wasting (not eating enough), or even dehydration.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]
There is way too much pressure on SWAT to decide to stay or go. He's feeling so much pressure from within himself because he loves you and can't reconcile what's happened logically with staying married, but his heart wants to.
There are many voices agreeing with the logic side for him - that he should make the separation stronger so that his heart will get in sync with his head.
The stress for him is unbearable.
My WH wound up in the hospital due to stress - him trying to make amends to me for years of being unfaithful financially, and emotionally; while also being in an untenable employment situation at the same time, that part of his amends required that he stay employed. Add an evil creditor, an attorney who wasn't communicating with him, and the spiritual healing he needed to do and BAM! there came the chest pains!
SWAT moving away from you removes one level of stress that is hurting him. It's not you as much as being around you frequently triggers the inner conflict for him. But there are things you can do behind the scenes for him to ease his pain. Seeing you occasionally isn't the problem. It's the daily normal which doesn't jive with the ever present pain that's the problem. It's not a bad thing to have some distance.
Consider talking with the doctor about lifestyle supports that might help him recover physically from the emotional overload he's dealing with - think nutrition, sleep, physical rest, and proper exercise.
Being careful to make sure you are not seen out in front getting attention (part of your personal recovery), coordinate healthy meals prepared for him by a neutral chef, so that he doesn't experience this as you being "wifey", but you just being a friend. For example, your brother could take him something nutritionally healthy wrapped in an obvious restaurant box, so it doesn't come across as you having prepared something. A cooling pillow, or bedding that gives comfort but less familiarity would also probably help.
And consider getting him a gift of therapeutic massage - a more clinical therapist who isn't the "fluff and buff" kind but a male therapist who can deal with the emotional work that clinical massage therapy can provide. Do some research.
Become invisible, and powerful. This will take reconnecting with a strong spiritual foundation. Whatever you believe, immerse yourself in service and prayer and study, so that your quiet intuition on how to serve invisibly becomes empowered.
Mom and SIL came over. They said he seems to be getting better physically. SIL pulled me aside and said she thinks he needs some help with getting therapy. She said she tried to convince him to talk to a psychiatrist, but he refused. She said she didn't push him because he was talking to them and not me or my brother and dad. She said she thinks he doesn't want them to see him like this. Swat loves and respect my dad and brother so much. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but SIL is a therapist for kids. I know Swat respects what she says. She said he actually argued with her about therapy, so she backed off. She said he maybe discharged as early as Monday, and when they left because was going to have a pysch evaluation.
I explained to the kids that he was sick and they couldn't see him right now because of that. They did make some cards and the boys have some toys to take to him, DD made him a bracelet. Middle boy is sending his "Real heroes" police officer and the youngest is sending his Captain America action figures. It humbles me because the kids understand him so well and they want to be just like him.
My family has been very supportive, but I can almost feel their disappointment in me. They haven't said anything but I can sense it.
Me, I'm sad, mad and disappointed in myself. I'm all sorts of messed up right now. I can't believe it has come to this and I'm angry I let this happen.
Me, I'm sad, mad and disappointed in myself. I'm all sorts of messed up right now. I can't believe it has come to this and I'm angry I let this happen.
Ya know, I can understand why you are feeling that way. Those feelings are very valid.
But, here's the thing......
(and you've heard this before) "this is not only about you and your feelings". No doubt you are flooded with emotions and feelings right now. It'd be impossible to NOT feel all of that. But your sad/mad/disappointed feelings have to come second to doing whatever you need to do for your children, for yourself and, at least for the foreseeable future, for SWAT (if he'll let you help). And even if SWAT says "no", you've got to be ready, at all times, in case he changes his mind and decides to accept help from you.
I cannot imagine how horrible this is for you right now. My heart goes out to you fully. You've been doing well on working on yourself, I applaud you for that. Whether it is easy or not you're going to have to rev it up a notch due to this emergency.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
[This message edited by JanetS at 6:23 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]
I would caution you not to make the leap from physical illness to, "he needs a psych consult and suicide watch, stat!"
He has a physical illness. It may be related to stress. That he feels awful physically--while reeling from recent events--does not mean he is spiraling the drain. It means he needs to be right where he is.
I know how scary it is. Stbx has a long, terrifying cardiac history--so I really understand. If you need an ear or shoulder or medical interpreter, feel free to PM.
Send our love to SWAT. He'll be okay, truly. He's a strong, strong man.
ETA: love to you and the kids, too. Be sure to be kind to yourself and to eat, get enough fluid, and rest when you can.
[This message edited by solus sto at 7:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]
I'm going to throw this out there - I'm not sure how relevant it is or isn't, but it may be possible:
The last time SWAT was in the hospital was when he was nearly killed, I assume, since you said he couldn't move, etc. Also, if memory serves. this was a milestone of some sort in the A. Is there a chance just being in the hospital is a big trigger for SWAT? If so, is there anything that can be done? By that, I mean making sure his room has a completely different view of the outside than his last room did? Or bringing in home blankets so it isn't exactly like the last hospital bed he was in?
It's just a thought, and I may be off on what happened A-wise during his last hospital stay, but if this is triggery for him, it could make his depression deepen.
I'm so glad you shared that he was talking with some of your family. Isolation and holding everything in isn't what SWAT needs, regardless of what he wants.
From the yop family to yours, we are thinking of you. Sending you strength and courage. Hope you are all doing as well as can be under the circumstances.
Luckily I had a support system outside of STBXH and his family. The LAST person I wanted help from was WH/STBXH or his family. My hospital stay was a wonderful break from reality, and hopefully SWAT's stay can be that for him as well. Even just a couple days relief can be very helpful.
I know SWAT doesn't have family, but does he have friends besides your brother? Friends that can help him out without being a constant reminder of his pain? I would try to recruit anyone that falls into that category to help him. Yes, he sounds like he needs a good psych consult and ADs, but you are not the person who can do this.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
He loves you, he's as conflicted as a man can be right now. Your family is his family. A man he considered a friend and mentor is actively trying to destroy him. He's scared(and rightly so) to turn where he was once able to find support. Be there for him, as much as he will allow. Realize he's scared. You know him best, if he needs space(and there WILL be times he needs it), give it to him. If he allows it, show him FIERCE love and devotion. Show him that he's needed. His comments about the kids show that he's not feeling that right now.
Sending you as much strength and mojo as I can. You and Swat and your children are in my prayers.
I woke up this morning and checked SI first thing. I've gotten several PM's but one really hit home. It is from a BH. I've read that message at least ten times. Others have eluded to it but this person spelled it out for me in very graphic terms and detail.
I "thought" that I really understood what Swat was going through. I understood pain, the lies, manipulation, confusion and anger. But after reading that over and over. I don't know shit. What I have done to my husband was probably beyond my comprehension. Men and women think differently. I knew words and actions have consequences. I thought I knew how Swat would react and would be able to deal with it. Having the issues that I do, I never understood something. My husband has been attacked, by me, AP, my family (in a sense) and several of his coworkers. I fired the first shot and I kept pulling the trigger again and again. When I was done AP started in. After he got done, I reloaded and went right back at it. Was it on purpose? Not a chance, but being reckless and scared doesn't condone what I had done during the affair and continued to do after it.
This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm not even sure I understand it. But I know I'll never be able to make this right for Swat. So I will do what I can to help him and my kids heal. I'm stepping aside though. At this point what I want has no bearing on what must be done.
I'm still going to need a lot of help, so keep it coming please. Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.
This whole situation breaks my heart.
I will stay away from advice because I have zero BTDT to offer. Just know I'm thinking of you. There is no right answer here. I'm glad you were there so that you could call the paramedics. And I totally hear you that you're willing to let him go, but you still want him to be around (as in alive & able to have a relationship, not necessarily living with you) for your kids.
Depression is a beast. I do hope he gets the help he needs.
My best thinking brought me to SI.
Is there a chance you might be slipping into depression as well? Be on the look-out for that as well...
Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.
We care. Really, us caring about SWAT doesn't mean we can't care about you as well. We do!
And this is about SWAT, you, your kids and everyone else. It's not just about SWAT. You all need and deserve our help and support.
I "thought" that I really understood what Swat was going through. I understood pain, the lies, manipulation, confusion and anger. But after reading that over and over. I don't know shit. What I have done to my husband was probably beyond my comprehension.
Was it on purpose? Not a chance,
Your getting better. Peace
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Both of you will be in our thoughts and prayers. Tell SWAT that he is wished a fast recovery.
Also, remember that "It" is about both of you. You both need to work on yourselves and each other so that you both heal.
Do not give up hope!!
The SI community will always be here for both of you. For what it's worth, very much worried about you in addition to SWAT. Take care of those kiddos first and then yourself as much as you can.
I just didn't want to believe I slipped so far. I know I did and that hurts. So much pain and devastation, just because I was a little unhappy and majorly selfish. I could have taken so many positive steps and talked to BH, but I didn't. I stepped into my fantasy world consequences be damned. I just never fully understood what those consequences would be.
The very act of sex with the OM was in effect giving the OM a chance to make you pregnant; to SWAT on a primitive level you were no longer exclusively his woman the OM had established rights to you, including a chance to give you his child.
I'm not surprised SWAT has taken this very hard. He is intensely masculine and reading your 'diary' and all of his workmates poring over your naked pics, has just driven him way down.
I can only hope he can recover and allow time to dilute the pain. I am certain you and your extended family will be there for him during this critical phase in his life. You in particular seem to understand the issues more and more as the situation unfolds. I am sure there will be a very different SoSorry by the time peace returns; and it will.
Have you actually said the words "I'm so sorry" to your family members. They've been with you, loved you, supported you. Their lives are in upheaval as well. And I know you are devastated by what they too are going through. Have you taken the step of telling them how very sorry you are for what they are going through? If in all of this turmoil you didn't take this step, maybe it might help you and them, in some way, to put it out there.
I've advised you in a prior post that you need to be there for SWAT should he decide he needs your help. I forgot to say that you need to watch out for your own physical/mental health as well. You're going through the toughest of times right now. This can do great damage to you. Get to a Dr. and get a check up, watch for blood pressure, watch for signs of depression. You certainly are in a prime position to fall prey to these maladies.
In some small way I'm also hoping that AP breaks the PO again (in a small way, another letter for example) and end up in jail for a longer period of time. You've got enough on your plate it'd be nice to not have to wonder if AP is nearby.
Best to you and your family.
PS: you should maybe apologize to your brother specifically for ignoring his good advice when he told you that meeting up with AP at the bar was a bad idea. You ignored his good advice. I think that had you not gone, AP may have given up...but even if he continued, it'd not be on your shoulders. You would still be healing from an affair, but this meeting started a new trajectory for this mess. The out-of-control started on that day. Let your brother know how you know that you should have listened to him that day instead of blowing his advice off.
[This message edited by JanetS at 9:31 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
That said, and I mean this in the kindest possible way - SWAT was clear with his doctors that he wanted privacy, and that he didn't want his medical information shared with you. I feel like you got this information anyway by sending your family in to gather info while SWAT was weak and probably not up to being as insistent as he might otherwise be about making his needs known. But you do know that he asked for privacy from you. You know that. So sharing the details of his medical information here with us feels pretty invasive when he expressly asked for privacy.
I know you do this out of worry and love and I'm guessing a lot of guilt, and because so many people here follow your story and have come to care about you both. And of course we all want to hear about SWAT's health and recovery because of that caring. However - his needs have to come first now. Whether you think he should have those needs or not. Whether it interferes with your need to care for him or not.
It feels like your need to take care of him and know what's happening with him is being put before his need to be by himself for a spell and have some privacy. He 'knows' a lot of people on this board now, and I just feel like he should decide how much medical and psychological info to share with us when he's ready. I don't know, maybe I'm alone in thinking this, but it's what I'd want in his place.
Circe, thanks for pointing that out. I'm worried but his wishes are more important.
Swat did call a few minutes ago and talked to the kids. He did talk to me briefly. He didn't say much but said he was alright and would be home soon. I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. It isn't what he needs or wants, I get that.
OK now, as much as reading that hurts. I know its true. I was thinking how awful it would be if Swat had a child with another woman.
Best wishes!
You need to emerge on the other side whole---no matter what the other side looks like.
Of course your focus is on SWAT now, with the current situation.
But know that he is where he needs to be. He likely IS triggering, being in the hospital again. (I would imagine the last incident spawned some PTSD. And, of course, the nature of his illness terrifies on many levels--he has worries about family history, about the stress that contributes to the illness, about whether he will remain strong and healthy as your kids grow, etc. etc.) It is a HUGE HUGE thing to experience a serious, life-threatening illness; it's a life-changer. And this "life changing" requires introspection and work and ...well, it's just really hard. I experienced this personally after a serious accident in young adulthood that was a game-changer; it involves grieving and life redesign, and considerable energy. Don't take his introspection personally. It's not about you.)
I'm gonna post something I've already posted today, because it was so critical to my well-being--not just post-infidelity, but in life, in general. I do it with the disclaimer that "God" needn't mean a traditional God, but just a universal power greater than ourselves.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Let go of the things you cannot control. Be the best YOU you can be. Do the things YOU can do. Surrender what you cannot change.
This changes everything. It's something that requires a lot of mindfulness--which I lack sometimes (so I got the word "surrender" tattooed inside my left wrist to remind me). It's worth the effort.
I would caution you not to make the leap from physical illness to, "he needs a psych consult and suicide watch, stat!"
He has a physical illness. It may be related to stress. That he feels awful physically--while reeling from recent events--does not mean he is spiraling the drain. It means he needs to be right where he is.
He has a physical illness. It may be related to stress. That he feels awful physically--while reeling from recent events--does not mean he is spiraling the drain. It means he needs to be right where he is.
Sometimes patients who are experiencing cardiac events have an impending sense of doom. Perhaps his comments could have come from fear of what was happening to him physically and worry for who would protect and take care of his family if he died.
I am glad you were there to quickly get him the help he needed and I'm glad he's in the hospital being cared for.
I continue to pray for you, SWAT, and your family.
I talked to him briefly and he assured me he was alright. He said we would finish our talk Tuesday morning when he got home from work. I said I didn't think he should go to work and he needed to rest. He got angry and said that he was going to work and he didn't want or need my opinion. I didn't want to upset him so I agreed he could do what ever he wanted. He apologized if I was scared the other day and again said he was alright, and even had some prescriptions to take. I don't want to upset him, so I didn't argue with him. He looks better today, but I'm still worried about him.
You have all been in my thoughts today. Despite what you think, you are handling this well. We're all here for you.
SIL did say that she doesn't think he is suicidal, she said he is depressed and she thinks his PTSD from some previous incidents has gotten worse. She would not get into detail though.
[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 6:05 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
Watching your emotional growth in these last weeks is pretty awesome. You were given 2x4's when deserved, and rather than get defensive you used these moments as opportunities to look inside yourself.
These last days you were served with pain and fear that I cannot imagine. Knowing that you played a role in that must have been very difficult. If you had a pity party, you did it quietly and remained strong for the children and remained available to SWAT (even though at that moment in time he was not wanting to share with you).
You have learned much. You will continue to grow. I hope you stay on this board as people here really do care about you and SWAT, individually and as a couple if it comes to that. Your self-realization can be shared with newbies to the board down the road, just as many have shared with you.
Your story has tugged on my old heartstrings.
He then talked to me, he looked like a kicked puppy. He said that he is supposed to be monitored due to his medications. He asked to sleep in our bedroom with me.
The kids went with my brother and SIL. We went to bed early because he was tired. We did talk some more. He told me he was going for treatment for his PTSD. He said he loves me and wants to make this work. We cried a lot and he fell asleep.
God, I love this man. He is sleeping about a foot away. He is handsome, strong and honest. He is also the most generous person I know. He loves me and has given me a gift. One I will cherish until the day I die.
No matter what, do not stop working on yourself. I once told you that you need to understand your 'whys' so that you can make better choices in the future.
If you are saying that you two are moving toward R, then from an R perspective, you also need to know your 'whys' so that Swat can know you will make better choices in the future.
He may not say it, he may not even know it yet, but he will need to see you working on yourself. He will need to know, without any doubt in his mind, how you are going to never let this happen again. "I don't knows" won't cut it (not that you've used them that I'm aware of). You need to know yourself backwards and forwards, why you made decisions, and why you will not make them again. If you can do this work without him asking, the message sent will be all the more powerful.
Keep digging SoSorry. Read books mentioned here. Keep going to IC. Let us know of your discoveries. Let Swat know of your discoveries, and how they contribute to you never hurting your family in this way again.
We are rooting for you.
[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:29 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
Very happy for you both. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
Keep working, SS. Make yourself safe for him. He deserves your best effort. Glad you're both doing well tonight.
You're still enroute to healing, and the tough stuff is still ahead. But you are now on the same road, the same page.
He did give you a gift. Just keep growing, and never ever ever go back to your old selfish manipulative self. You've already made yourself a better person. There is a difference between pretending to be a different person and actually become one....are not the same thing. Make him never believe that this gift was a mistake.
You are on a honeymoon period right now. So happy and probably very grateful. Remember, it won't be this way everyday. There will still be angry days :( But somewhere down the road life will be normal again...drama gone....with peace filling that space.
I am so happy for all of your family including SWAT's inlaws.
SO happy for SWAT too. He made a decision that he'd analyzed and "emotionalized" for so long. It must be a huge release for him.
that crap, the crap sandwich you gave him to eat, the stress of AP, everyone at work knowing what you did (which is assuredly deeply embarrassing to him) and having to face those people, the TT he got, the events that have occured AFTER the discovery of the affair, etc = a massive amount of stress, emotional pain, and heartbreak for him.
he doesnt trust you and rightfully so. you have proved you cant be trusted. yet ... he loves you. with all of his heart. that creates more than a little internal conflict as well. the person he would have gone to in times of trouble is also the person that stabbed him in the back. that leaves him feeling mighty alone and vulnerable.
i hope im not too forward with offering what seems to me to be two conflicting thoughts in your head. the first is that it is obvious that you DO love him. the second is that you have been so very manipulative for so very long that you probably dont even realize when you are doing it and its second nature for you and your "go to" response in any situation. we all deal with things differently. me, i tend to analyze everything for a long time with no real outward reaction and then when i reach a conclusion i act extremely decisively and then dont second guess the decision that i have made. i instinctively push back against being manipulated and resent not having all of the facts. my wife tends to react in typical italian fashion with a huge burst of anger that is usually faded by the time she vents it. my point is that we are all different and we all tend to react to stress and situations differently, so what i said isnt necessarily criticism but more an observation.
i "think" that swat feels conflicted.
he wants space. you trigger the hell out of him. when he sees you he thinks about you and AP, you and your lies, you and your affair, you and your betrayals.
at the same time he also sees the woman that he loves, the mother of his children, the one that he wanted to spend his life with, and wants your support.
at this point he has every reason to continue on with the divorce. you broke your vows. you killed the marriage. i "think" hes also seeking a reason to stay. it would be up to you to provide that reason and whatever you do may NOT be provide enough of a reason. but at this point pulling back wont provide that reason and will lead to a finalized divorce. offering him support, love, and showing him you care - even in the face of rejection - MIGHT change that outcome when combined with a serious attempt to improve yourself, your coping mechanisms, and to fix the broken part of you that allowed yourself to do what you did.
try to help him heal. not just because it might lead to R but also because its the right thing to do. you owe it to him.
my heart goes out to him, you, and your family.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I agree with Patrick, keep working on yourself. SWAT needs to see you progressing more than ever.
Keep up the hard work and continue to fight for your M.
I totally agree with this:
He did give you a gift. Just keep growing, and never ever ever go back to your old selfish manipulative self. You've already made yourself a better person. There is a difference between pretending to be a different person and actually become one....are not the same thing. Make him never believe that this gift was a mistake.
I'm SO happy for your family.
I talked for about a half an hour. About how I'm scared. I'm scared of letting him and my family down yet again. I'm scared I will do something to hurt him again. I don't mean cheating, that will never happen again. I'm working everyday to be open and honest in everything I do. But I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and it will be horrible. I know that I will make mistakes, I just have a deep seated fear I'll make another unforgivable one. IC and I talked about this for some time. I left feeling better but now it is more nervous than scared. Baby steps I guess.
But I get home and his truck is parked next to the house. The kids are home(school is out for the summer) and they are all swimming. It sounds stupid but when I saw him, my being nervous and scared just kind of went away. Its 78 and sunny here, but it seemed cloudy to me until I saw him. He is really here and he looks happy. So maybe, just maybe this girl caught a break. One I'm gonna hold onto with everything I've got. I don't mean I'm gonna be clingy or anything. But I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna learn.
I made lunch and I changed into my swim suit and I am going to join them. Please accept my thanks and promise me 2x4's when I do or say something stupid cause its gonna happen.
Make today a normal day.
There will probably be bad days, that is to be expected. But the more "normal" days you can attain, the easier recovery will be. SWAT will know, firsthand, that even after your affair he can enjoy his family, his life.
Work hard on your insecurity. You are afraid to make a mistake. If you worry too much about that you won't enjoy what is right in front of you.
Enjoy enjoy enjoy.....words for today.
I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. It isn't what he needs or wants, I get that.
OK now, as much as reading that hurts. I know its true.
OK now, as much as reading that hurts. I know its true.
You know your husband very well - you saw he was not well. He needs to be with you. It's actually always been pretty obvious from your posts and his - though just how much he needs you is not something I understood. Maybe though you did.
Hugs to you both.
I'm scared of letting him and my family down yet again. I'm scared I will do something to hurt him again. I don't mean cheating, that will never happen again. I'm working everyday to be open and honest in everything I do. But I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and it will be horrible. I know that I will make mistakes, I just have a deep seated fear I'll make another unforgivable one.
I totally get this and I think it's a really positive sign, believe it or not, in your healing and eventual R.
I'm a mad hatter, but I was first a WS and when I finally really --THUNK-- "got" my complete lack of boundaries, the realization was first something that I internalized "I have no real boundaries" and then on the heels of that I realized "my beloved husband is married to someone with no boundaries" - and I was so scared for him. I realized his love for me, combined with my issues, left him so vulnerable. I couldn't stand the thought. But it was one of the primary motivators at the time in me fixing myself in IC with complete, painful, humiliating self-honesty. If I felt like hiding from something, I realized the vulnerability my BH would have to that thing - and that gave me the courage to get it out and fill that void with something healthy. Therapy, self understanding, self forgiveness, painful change.
Keep up the good hard work! So glad to read of the positive turns in your road.
It sounds stupid but when I saw him, my being nervous and scared just kind of went away. Its 78 and sunny here, but it seemed cloudy to me until I saw him. He is really here and he looks happy. So maybe, just maybe this girl caught a break. One I'm gonna hold onto with everything I've got. I don't mean I'm gonna be clingy or anything. But I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna learn.
Be sure that you are making changes FOR YOURSELF. That you are accountable TO YOURSELF. Make sure that you are looking INTERNALLY for your own happiness and validation. Those things are your job: not SWAT's, not your kids', not your family members', and not anyone else's. YOU are it.
Wishing you all the best.
Big cheesy grins today, I am SO happy for you guys! Enjoy your family SS. I'm really proud of you, you should be proud of yourself too!
I agree with NIK, read that post over and over. Also, you are not perfect. You are human. Accept that. You will have bad days, SWAT will have bad days. You will mess up and won't be the perfect remorseful wayward at times, SWAT knows that. As long as he can see you trying and working on yourself then that is what matters. This is a huge learning curve for you, don't be too hard on yourself.
Anyway, enjoy the day! I'm THRILLED for you all!
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:18 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
The day in the pool was great. Swat caught me off guard though. We were sitting in the pool watching the kids. He asked me if I would be packing that swim suit for vacation. With everything that happened this last week, I forgot about the trip. Me going is a new development. It was originally a trip for the kids and him. (We were going to split the two vacations between us) I asked if he was sure because this is still very new. He said he is in it to win it, so he was 100% percent sure. We are leaving on Saturday and I need to get my behind in gear to go.
Load the kids in the car this morning and head to the mall. New summer clothes for everyone, my treat. Fun was had by all, until two hours ago. Were eating lunch and I look into the booth next to us. AP's sister is there with some friends, some of who I know, and I am getting the death stare. I asked for the bill and had to wait for a few minutes. The entire time I can see hear pointing at me and talking to her friends. I only heard the emphasized words "slut, f'ing whore, bitch" and so on.
I'm pissed at myself, I'm embarrassed and hurt for my BS. So I'm sitting here at the mall and I don't think the kids understood what happened. I called Swat and told him. He asked me if I was alright. Me, I'm worried about him. He says he will meet us and he comes to the mall. Gives me a hug and a kiss and takes the boys, for "guy stuff, cause we don't do no shopping at the mall." DD is getting her hair done and her nails painted. What should have been a fun day, is now just yuck.
But I'm trying to learn from this. People know and some are going to talk about me and my affair. It will die down eventually, but is still sucks. Before I would have tried to hide seeing her or AP. But Swat said he wanted to know of any issues or contact with AP. I honestly never realized how often I could see AP or his family and friends. While this is my first encounter with his family I've had since dday. I have seen his friends around town a lot.
I'm sorry for posting every little thing. It just seems easier for me to let it all out here. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. But you all have helped me so much, and I just needed to vent some of the pressure.
[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 3:13 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
It sucks to be talked about, especially with the kids right there. Shake it off and keep your focus forward - on your path to R with SWAT and on getting everyone ready for vacation.
I'm sorry you ran into AP's sister and her friends, that sucks. But you handled it brilliantly, you really did.
Don't let them distract you from your family and your healing. Keep communicating with SWAT, work out a 'game plan' for handling encounters like that with the kids around. Make sure you're on the same page, tell him about everything. You're doing great.
You handled the encounter with AP's sister really well. I have run into the AP's BW and had her curse about me in public with my kids present too. It's tough and scary. You protect the kids the best way you can and accept your consequences. Don't accept what you hear. Your behavior was despicable but that's not who you are. Keep working on becoming who you want to be and eventually people who know you as someone who has overcome adversity and improved her character.
Glad you stayed despite what those bitches were saying. Stand up to them and they'll cave.
In a way it's good that his current "unfortunate incarceration" has nothing to do with you, but because of his behaviour with yet another woman. It's got to become clear to others that even though you made a mistake, he is the one who is out of his mind.
So, you get two holidays this year. Way to go!
Stay the course, SoSorry17. I am rooting for you and your husband.
Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10
We remarried in 2014.
Today he is happy, it doesn't seem like he is thinking that way. Seeing him smile at me again makes me happy. I've known this man for a very long time, I've seen him be a KISA for lots of people. I don't think that is a flaw in him though. For him its more a virtue. I'm not sure that is the right word. But I see him as a warrior, a protector and a peacemaker. He has always been like that. He helps people when they need it most. He never gave me cause to question him as his actions were always above board. I see all of the little things he does to help everyone. He holds doors, he carries bags for elderly people, he mows lawns and plows snow for anyone who needs it. Never gets paid or asks for anything in return. He will be working nights and sleeping, but he wakes up to carry in the groceries. He does laundry and dishes. He isn't perfect, no one is. He has his quirks and annoying habits.
But all of that makes him the man he is. He's perfect to me and right now he is mine and if I can help it, as long as he allows it and wants to stay with me, I'm never letting him go. Does anyone else feel that way? If so why did we let it get to this? Are we really that selfish and how do you fix that kind of broken?
[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 10:57 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
Are we really that selfish and how do you fix that kind of broken?
And, with LOTS of hard work.
Not a few IC sessions and we're fixed, but real, deep, soul searching work.
I started two years and some change ago, I feel like I've scratched the surface.
I've cleared away the top layer of broken, now I'm finding the deeper, more ingrained, more painful things to deal with.
I keep working to get better, to make myself healthier, safe.
I have an awareness that some of my issues are not going to go away, that I will have to remain vigilant for ever.
Start reading some books, journal, work hard. The rewards are amazing!
"Your secrets keep you sick"
Just remember the stronger and the more you understand yourself , your why's etc. The confidence of being okay will come back.
Just remember , the happy can turn quick too , be ready, be strong for your BH he has lots of things to get through, keep going to IC, and you may find at some point your BH won't be able to hear your pain, that's okay to, its once again where you have to be strong.
Good luck and am glad to hear you are finding yourself for your family.:-) it is a great accomplishment.
Reading your update is really heartwarming. I'm thrilled that he is giving you a chance at R. I'm also amazed at how much you have changed since joining SI.
Be gentle on yourself and remember it's a marathon not a race. Many people will tell you that here and it wasn't until I was about a year into this, that I truly understood the magnitude of it all. You will burn yourself out emotionally probably a million times over during this journey. You are doing awesome and very happy to see.
Once the dust settles, the real work begins. The long haul.... All that self discovery... Make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating healthy and getting exercise.
I look forward to hearing more updates and will be rooting for you guys
Now that things are settling down for you two, I want you to not feel the need to regularly give us a day-by-day update. Now is the time for some privacy and freedom from the need to keep us informed.
Of course we're all still very interested in how you and SWAT are doing...we've become quite touched by your story. A nice update from time-to-time would be so nice if you get the chance.
So, I do look forward to hearing about you guys again, I hope that you are enjoying your reconciliation, and working on the issues, that updating at the board goes a little lower down the priority list. I know the board was so needed at the beginning, but it's okay to slow it down now.
Thinking of you guys often. Enjoy your family.
I am happy and yet sad. Here I have a superstar husband, because the sister is really stunning. Light to my dark, tall and thin to my small and curvy. But he said she is an ugly person inside and I'm not. I had to thank him and walk away. I didn't want him to see me crying again. Because I know that I have been an ugly person on the inside.
D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014
I'm so freaking angry right now. I'm the biggest POS to walk the planet. I've always kind of bragged on my man. He is pretty awesome. He's smart, funny, handsome, eyes a girl can get lost in, built like an Abrams tank with some really awesome ink. He's loving, generous, protective and honest to a fault. He is also so damaged and broken and I never saw it.
He suffers from PTSD and I can honestly say I could never have survived what he has.
Last night was possibly the worse and yet best night of my life. Last night Swat told me everything that he has seen and done. Stuff I never knew about and I can barely understand.
He cried and was angry. So angry we have some new holes and property damage in the barn. He wasn't mad at me and I never felt he would hurt me. I've never seen so much pain before. I almost felt it hitting me it was that intense. Due to the recent health scare I did panic when he collapsed, but it wasn't anything to due with his health. He was just spent, he exploded like a beer can after you shake it. That was what made it the worst night.
What made it the best? He said over and over how much he loved us and how he needed me. Not the kids or my family,he said he needs ME. This mountain of a man needs little dumpy old me. He said I was his angel and he needed me. He trusted me enough to show and tell me this. He trusts me enough to be a safe place for him.
So here I am sitting on the "ladies" car driving down the road. I'm wondering if this is tmi and all. I was scared that I might not be strong enough for this. But that was fleeting and I know I am.
I'm fighting for him now, not us. I will take on all comers who try to hurt him, and that includes me.
I admire you and wish you the best of luck.
You are doing great, stay strong. We're all behind you.
Does it take some weight off of your shoulders to not have to worry if you can handle it. Because you did handle it, you were exceptional.
You two are so in love. You'll get this all behind you one day.
Only a couple of weeks ago it didn't seem that certain, did it?
It isn't that way for everyone, of course. I see evidence of much repression and rugsweeping in the other family affected by my husband's infidelity. So, you have a chance to grow and heal together. It looks like you are grabbing that brass ring. Good for you.
He trusted me enough to show and tell me this. He trusts me enough to be a safe place for him.
Swat is trying to eat lobster at every meal, not what I would consider breakfast food but what ever. Everyone is having a good time so far. Our kids and the nieces and nephew are having the most fun I think. "Daddy" aka uncle Swat is the biggest kid here and the ringleader of the heathen pack.
He has also made sure we have had some alone time. And he has allowed me to be very affectionate. Lots of hand holding, hugs and kisses. He is also starting to show more affection, just touching my back at the beach and stuff. It is very nice, but being intimate is something we haven't been is a very long time. I know it is because of my actions, but it is still difficult to take. But tonight is the night and I'm going for it. I'm hoping there will not be any triggers, but if there are, I'm hoping I can help him deal with them.
Been following both of your threads and I'm pulling for you both!
Have fun!!!!
Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


text:
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Columbus Crew defender Steve Clark has spoken of his time in England. read more21 Nov » tribalfootball.com
Sheffield United co-chairman Jim Phipps believes mob-like behavior has ultimately denied Ched Evans the chance to train with the club. read more21 Nov » tribalfootball.com
Fifa, Dave Whelan, Ched Evans and England fans make this yet another 'worst week' for football • Dave Whelan accused of antisemitism • Sheffield United withdraw offer of training to Ched Evans • Malky Mackay: I'm no racist Continue reading...21 Nov » Guardian
Sheffield United co-chairman Jim Phipps is "angry" they have had to deny convicted rapist Ched Evans the chance to train.21 Nov » BBC Sport
Preview followed by live coverage of Saturday's League One game between Milton Keynes Dons and Port Vale.21 Nov » BBC Sport
Preview followed by live coverage of Saturday's League One game between Chesterfield and Barnsley.21 Nov » BBC Sport
• Evans had been using club facilities following prison release • 'I'm upset that we are not able to do what we wanted to do' • Club retract training offer following public outcry Continue reading...21 Nov » Guardian
Paul Lambert has praised young Aston Villa striker Callum Robinson for his impressive loan spell at League One side Preston.21 Nov » EatSleepSport
Team news for Saturday's League One clash between Chesterfield and Barnsley at Proact Stadium.21 Nov » SkySports.com

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Summary: American Houses is a historical guide to the architecture of the American home. While other architectural field guides depict only facades, this book includes floor plans. showing how the form of a house arises from its function. Photographs and drawings of exteriors illustrate the significant field marks of each style and help pinpoint the key elements that can identify a house even when it has been remodeled beyond recognition. Beautifully illustrated, clearly writ ...show moreten, and impeccably researched. American Houses is an essential reference for anyone interested in the history of American residential architecture. ...show lessEdition/Copyright: 04
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Audi's RS 'shop makes very, very fast cars. Cars designed to crush the Autobahn like a pider under a shoe. The RS 6 can hit 189mph, so I think they've done it again...
Audi RS cars are powerhouses. They're brutish, powerful, comfortable, and excessive to the fore, so why should the latest RS 6 break tradition?
The Audi RS 6 is a family car that can hit 189mph. Some would say that's excessive, but who says that's a bad thing?
If you are lucky enough to have the cash to spend on a high-end sports car, you will, in all likelihood, spend more time inside looking out than outside looking over it. Therefore, the interior can not be overlooked. Here are a few of the cars we feel give the driver the best view.
Road Trip 2011: After driving more than 3,000 miles across Europe in two of Audi's latest models this summer, CNET reporter Daniel Terdiman had a hard time handing back the keys.
Road Trip 2011: Over the course of several thousand miles, CNET's Daniel Terdiman put Audi's RS Coupe and its A6 3.0 TFSI through their paces. And came away very impressed with the two cars' power, styling, and stability. All travel should be so comfortable.
CNET Car Tech reports on the Audi RS6 from the 2008 Paris Motor Show.
Audi showed off the new RS6 at the 2008 Paris auto show, a car that unfortunately will not come to the U.S.
Audi announces pricing for the TT RS, an Audi performance line that has been in hiatus from the U.S. for three years.
Audi images and specs of RS 6 Avant pre-Frankfurt auto show reveal smooth-looking car with power.


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The stalled school bus that had been blocking the center lane on southbound 94 at 53rd Avenue has been pushed off to the right shoulder. All lanes are now open.
Drivers could use an extra lane or two on many routes in the south metro. Mostly on northbound Cedar Avenue, heavy all morning. It's 30 minutes from 147th Street to 494.
On northbound 169, it's still 28 minutes from Marschall Road to 494. Southbound 169 is 48 minutes from 94 down to the Crosstown.
On northbound 35W, it's tough all the way from Lakeville to the Crosstown. Plan on 45 minutes from 210th Street to 494.
A stall is blocking the left lane on southbound 494 at East Fish Lake Road. The jamup begins on eastbound 94 from Weaver Lake Road to the split.
Westbound 94 is plugged from Keats to Lexington Pkwy. That is 46 minutes.
Crosstown is heavy duty in both directions from Hwy. 100 to 28th Avenue. That is a good 20 minutes.


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Berger Target Bullets 284 Caliber, 7mm (284 Diameter) 180 Grain VLD Hollow Point Boat Tail Box of 100
Product #: 281531 Berger Bullets #: 28405 UPC #: 679459284059
Product Information
Berger's Target VLD bullets are the perfect bullet for the reloader looking for great performing, consistent, accurate long range bullets. The VLD design gives these bullets the highest possible ballistic coefficient meaning they will be less affected by wind and will typically shoot flatter than flat base bullets of the same weight. Target bullets are designed primarily for target shooting but are also effective on larger varmints. This is not loaded ammunition.
Technical Information
Caliber: 284 Caliber, 7mm
Bullet Diameter: 0.284"
Bullet Weight: 180 Grains
Bullet Length: 1.525"
Bullet Style: Target VLD Hollow Point Boat Tail
Bullet Coating: Non-coated
Recommended Barrel Twist: 1 in 9" or faster
Ballistics Information:
Sectional Density: 0.319
Ballistic Coefficient: 0.659
Technical Information
Ballistics Information:
Delivery Information
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Product ships from MidwayUSA, separate from any other products on your order due to its size. Products that are Shipped Alone incur separate "Per Order" and "Per Pound" shipping charges.
Product is regulated by the US Department of Transportation (DOT) and cannot be shipped via USPS or air shipping methods. DOT-Regulated products must ship UPS Ground.
Product is restricted by shipping carriers and cannot be shipped to certain locations or via certain shipping methods.
Additional shipping charge for HazMat products. Carriers charge extra to ship packages with products they consider hazardous, such as reloading powder and primers.
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