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No strings attached. Test-driving a relationship by sharing living quarters appears to be the perfect solution. If it works out, great! If not, no harm done.
Or so you thought.
Damage does occur when couples choose to live together. Marriage cements love with a commitment. Living together leaves you vulnerable, causing you to doubt the level of your partner's dedication.
Studies show that couples who live together before marrying have a higher tendency to divorce. It seems the short-term commitment of living together often equals short-term commitment in marriage.
If you're not ready to get married, do you really think you're ready to live together?
The Census reports a 72 percent increase in the number of cohabiting couples since 1990. Unfortunately, research shows that cohabitation is correlated with greater likelihood of unhappiness, and domestic violence in the relationship. Cohabiting couple report lower levels of satisfaction in the relationship than married couples. Women are more likely to be abused by a cohabiting boyfriend than a husband. Children are more likely to abused by their mothers' boyfriends than by her husband, even if the boyfriend is their biological father. If a cohabiting couple ultimately marries, they tend to report lower levels of marital satisfaction and a higher propensity to divorce.
Recent reports and commentaries on cohabitation tend to downplay these difficulties. I suspect this is because people do not know how to make sense of the research findings. Many people imagine that living together before marriage resembles taking a car for a test drive. The "trial period" gives people a chance to discover whether they are compatible. This analogy seems so compelling that people are unable to interpret the mountains of data to the contrary.
Here's the problem with the car analogy: the car doesn't have hurt feelings if the driver dumps it back at the used car lot and decides not to buy it. The analogy works great if you picture yourself as the driver. It stinks if you picture yourself as the car.
The contract or consent approach doesn't really help much either. Living together is fine as long as both people agree to it. The agreement amounts to this: "I am willing to let you use me as if I were a commodity, as long as you allow me to treat you as if you were a commodity." But this is a bogus agreement. We can say at the outset that we agree to be the "man of steel", but no one can credibly promise to have no feelings of remorse if the relationship fails.
All of this points to the essential difference between sexual activity and other forms of activity. Giving oneself to a sexual partner is, by its nature, a gift of oneself to another person. We all have a deep longing to be cherished by the person we have sex with. That longing is not fooled by our pretensions to sophistication.
Here is an analogy that works better than the taking the car for a test drive analogy. Suppose I ask you to give me a blank check, signed and ready to cash. All I have to do is fill in the amount. Most people would be unlikely to do this. You would be more likely to do it, if you snuck out and drained the money out of your account before you gave me the check. Or, you could give me the check and just be scared and worried about what I might do.
Think about it: What do you have in your checking account that is more valuable than what you give to a sexual partner? When people live together, and sleep together, without marriage, they put themselves in a position that is similar to the person being asked to give a blank check. They either hold back on their partner by not giving the full self in the sexual act and in their shared lives together. Or, they feel scared a lot of the time, wondering whether their partner will somehow take advantage of their vulnerability.
No one can simulate self-giving. Half a commitment is no commitment. Cohabiting couples are likely to have one foot out the door, throughout the relationship. The members of a cohabiting couple practice holding back on one another. They rehearse not trusting. The social scientists that gather the data do not have an easy way to measure this kind of dynamic inside the relationship.
In my view, this accounts for the disappointing results of cohabitation. I am sorry to say that I learned this from experience. My husband and I lived together before we were married. It took us a long time to unlearn the habits of the heart that we built up during those cohabiting years.
The sexual revolution promised a humane and realistic approach to human sexuality. Ironically, the uncommitted-sex mentality has proven to underestimate both the value and the power of sexual activity. Lifelong, committed marriages are difficult, no doubt about it. But self-giving loving relationships still have the best chance of making us happy.
Al and Alicia just celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. When they met, Alicia was a brand new believer, and Al was a non-Christian. They became intimate almost immediately and lived together for a time before getting married.
"We slept together on the second date," said Alicia. "There was no hesitation; it just seemed like what you do."
"We never articulated sex as bad because we were not married," said Al. "So it was perplexing to me why Alicia felt the way she did. There was this deep sadness in her, and she'd cry during intimate times. On my part, it took me a long time to figure out how to be in a sexual relationship that didn't involve objectification. So on the one hand, Alicia is experiencing tremendous regret, emptiness and scarring. And I have totally different expectations. I was this guy that had to learn it wasn't about having fun sex all of the time."
Alicia and Al spoke of the difficulties in their relationship, and how they eventually carried those into marriage.
"It's a miracle we made it through those first years," said Alicia. "We were on a different page for so long; it took me time to work through memories and the choices I made pre-marriage.
The experience Al and Alicia had is all too common of cohabitating relationships. According to The National Marriage Project, an estimated half of all couples now cohabitate before they marry. The fact that Al and Alicia married at all, and are still together, is a testament to their vibrant faith in Christ.
Unfortunately, many couples don't fare the same. In fact, study after study shows that cohabitation is linked to poorer marital communication, lower marital satisfaction, higher levels of domestic violence and a greater chance of divorce.
Young people today are cynical concerning the validity and longevity of the marital union. Indeed, with fifty percent of all marriages ending in divorce, men and women believe it's a good idea to try out different partners.
"Couples say that they need to kick the tires a little before settling down," says Dr. Brad Wilcox, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia, and director of the Marriage Matters Project. "But what they don't understand is that once you adopt a consumer mentality, you undercut marriage and open yourself up to marital breakup and unhappiness."
This assertion is backed up by plenty of research, including a 2002 report issued by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention's National Center for Health Statistics that states, "The probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent while the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitation."
One of the biggest reasons why marriage is more successful than cohabitation is commitment. With marriage you make a pledge before God, your family and friends. Everyone knows you're married; it's a public declaration. In marriage, you're more likely to make sacrifices for your mate and to strive to make the relationship work. Additionally, divorce is costly, both emotionally and financially. By its very nature, cohabitation encourages a lack of commitment and independence, and is an easy out for the partner that wants to pack a suitcase and leave.
According to Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor of Family and Marital Studies at the University of Denver, another reason to avoid cohabitation is what he calls "relationship inertia."
"People who are cohabiting might end up marrying somebody they might not otherwise have married," he says. In essence they're "sliding, not deciding."
Dr. Wilcox says that young men and women today think about marriage as the "Cadillac of relationships."
"They want everything established including the perfect relationship, house and income," he says. "Thirty years ago, someone cohabitated with a future spouse and were married within six months. Now, men and women are having more relationships and becoming habituated to starting intimate relationships, breaking up and starting over. It's setting up a pattern of failure and not preparing them for a lifelong relationship."
Cohabitation and habitual cohabitation not only involves fornication (Hebrews 13:4), which violates Scripture, but it also gives your heart away to someone that God has not joined with you. Indeed, we are admonished, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).
Alicia and Al now have three young boys and a thriving relationship.
"Marriage would have been a tremendous event in our life had we waited and done things the right way," said Al. "For me, that's the biggest loss."
"Getting married was like coming into this safe place suddenly," said Alicia. "As a woman, most men look at you as something to be desired. Then I got married, and I had a safe place to be still and process."
Whether you call it "test-driving marriage," "living together," "shacking up" or "living in sin," cohabitation is on the rise. Sadly, so are the consequences of sharing a home without the commitment of marriage.
Try as you may, it's not easy to defend cohabiting as "just the same as marriage." The following myths and truths paint a compelling picture.
Myth: "This is just temporary. We'll be getting married when we feel ready."
Truth: Only 30 percent of couples who live together actually get married. 1
Myth: "We want to try each other out. We'll have a better chance of staying married if we live together first."
Truth: The dissolution rate for couples who lived together before marriage is 80 percent higher than it is for couples who didn't. 2
Myth: "We'll get along better once we're married."
Truth: Thirty-five out of 100 couples living together experienced a physical assault in a 12-month period; that's more than double the rate of violence among married couples, which is 15 out of 100.3 The top three problems for couples who live together before marriage are: drunkenness, adultery and drug abuse.4
Myth: "We just want to get a head start on our finances before we get married."
Truth: Men who live with their girlfriends before marrying them are more likely to be underemployed (before and after the marriage) than men who have not cohabited. Women who live with their boyfriends before marrying them are more likely to need to be employed full time to compensate for their husbands' underemployment. 5
Myth: "This is just temporary. We'll be getting married when we feel ready."
Truth: Only 30 percent of couples who live together actually get married. 1
Myth: "We want to try each other out. We'll have a better chance of staying married if we live together first."
Truth: The dissolution rate for couples who lived together before marriage is 80 percent higher than it is for couples who didn't. 2
Myth: "We'll get along better once we're married."
Truth: Thirty-five out of 100 couples living together experienced a physical assault in a 12-month period; that's more than double the rate of violence among married couples, which is 15 out of 100.3 The top three problems for couples who live together before marriage are: drunkenness, adultery and drug abuse.4
Myth: "We just want to get a head start on our finances before we get married."
Truth: Men who live with their girlfriends before marrying them are more likely to be underemployed (before and after the marriage) than men who have not cohabited. Women who live with their boyfriends before marrying them are more likely to need to be employed full time to compensate for their husbands' underemployment. 5
So, what do you do if you're convinced that living together is/was a bad idea, after all?
"Hi, Hon, I just wanted to let you know I'll be home late. I'm going to hang out with the guys after work," Derek said.
As I hung up the phone, I swallowed the bitter taste of disappointment. Why doesn't he want to come home and be with me? So much for security once we moved in together.
After dating on and off for three years, Derek and I were serious about our relationship. We agreed that living together was the next step. It sounded as natural as riding a tricycle before a bicycle and as practical as packing before taking a long trip.
And, we had other reasons:
Derek and I signed a six-month lease on a two-bedroom apartment, but I didn't trust Derek's long-term commitment. I demanded separate closets and bathrooms. I didn't want my dishes, pots and pans getting mixed up, so I shoved Derek's stuff into different cabinets. Like a student practicing a fire drill, I mentally rehearsed my escape — just in case. I had one foot in the door and an eye on the exit.
All I had was six-months of security — a signed rental agreement. Even though I prepared for the day the fire alarm would sound, I constantly pushed for commitment. I wanted intimacy and a way out at the same time.
"Where's our relationship going? Are we just going to live together? Do you see a future?" I complained.
"Sure I do. I want to marry you someday. But how can we? We don't have the money," Derek said. "I don't know how else to prove to you I'm committed. I left my friends and moved in with you. I say I love you every day. I come home every night. What more do you want?"
Living together is too easy for you. How about marriage? An engagement ring would help.
The truth was, I hated the living arrangements. But it was my way of controlling something, since I couldn't control our future.
Whenever Derek and I argued, I shut down, pouted and slept in the second bedroom. I waited in the dark for him to come and make up. Instead, Derek fell asleep. He wasn't interested in knocking down my protective walls — at midnight. Great, Derek is probably getting sick of this. What's going to happen when our lease expires? Will we stay together? He's probably going to leave me.
Not only did my relationship with Derek suffer because of my fears, my relationship with my mom suffered too. I was afraid I'd hear, "I told you so," if I was honest about my insecurity. I hid behind an "everything's fine" facade. I was determined to make living together work — even if it was a mistake.
My mom's words haunted me. "You can't try it on before you buy it; it's not a dress." Although I wasn't walking with God at the time, I knew enough Scripture to feel guilty and ashamed. But I justified it because I wanted to make sure the two of us were compatible before we said "I do." After all, I knew that more than half of all marriages end in divorce. I didn't want the "D" tattoo if our relationship didn't work out.
A month into our lease, Derek and I bought an Alaskan Eskimo puppy. A way to keep Derek, I thought. But weeks later, the shy puppy we picked out was still acting skittish. He started biting. So, we gave him away.
So much for "our" dog — and my security.
Even though I wanted a commitment from Derek, my commitment was conditional and temporary. I gave my body and my resources, but withheld my heart.
I longed for intimacy and relationship, but living together didn't satisfy. It's like planning a vacation to Hawaii, envisioning sunny, white beaches and then arriving to trash-lined shores and overcast skies. One is a dream. The other is a disappointing reality.
Despite our struggles, Derek and I eloped around the time our lease expired. Fifteen years and two children later, we're still together.
Nevertheless, Derek and I still regret living together. We missed out on the honeymoon experience. We regret sharing our meals, our households, and our bodies prior to being emotionally and spiritually committed as husband and wife. We started our marriage with a past. It took me years of marriage to trust Derek's real and lifelong commitment.
Someday I plan on sharing this with our children. It won't be easy. However, I believe they deserve the truth. I hope they will understand why we regret our decision and why God's design for a man and a woman is marriage.
Derek and I believed the lie of today's culture that living together is a natural progression of a lifelong relationship. Nowhere in Scripture does it suggest a man should leave and cleave to a woman by renting an apartment. For me, living together was a farce, a halfhearted commitment with a huge "EXIT" sign looming over it. Marriage is a lifetime commitment — a covenant — not a six-month lease.
Thankfully, God is using our mistake to encourage other couples. As the opportunity arises, we share our story. We steer them away from living together and towards God's plan — marriage.
Dear Dr. Bill: My boyfriend and I are both from broken homes and want to divorce-proof our future marriage. Is living together a good test for future compatibility?
That's a question a lot of young people are asking these days. According to the National Marriage Project, about 60% of young adults in America say they plan to live together before marriage. Many of them grew up in homes where divorce occurred, and experienced a tremendous amount of pain and insecurity as a result of their parents' break up. They are determined not to repeat their parents' mistakes and desire to find a "soul mate" to whom they will be married for life.
You and your boyfriend may believe that living together is a good way to find out if you are compatible — a "test drive" that will improve your chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense intuitively, actually just the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who don't. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.
The best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to date for at least one year before engagement and participate in a structured, premarital counseling program, which includes psychological testing.
Dear Dr. Bill: I heard you on Weekend Magazine talking about dating for a year before marriage and to not cohabitate. Why is this important if both persons are spiritual, have great faith in Jesus Christ, respect each other, have morals and values, etc.? Also, you said to participate in a structured marriage counseling session. I think this one is a very good idea. What other suggestions do you have for couples who plan to get married?
Thanks for your letter. As you mentioned, a few months ago I mentioned that many couples today believe that living together is a good way to find out if they are compatible — sort of a "test drive" that will improve their chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense, actually the opposite is true.
The latest research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50-80% higher divorce rate than those who don't. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within tow years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.
As a Christian, it's important for you to know that God has some very specific things to say about sex outside of marriage. Sexuality is a marvelous gift that He has given us. But the Bible clearly tells us that it is to be expressed within the context of marriage. There are many scriptures that address this issue. One of them is found in the book of Thessalonians. It says: "It's God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God." As I mentioned earlier, when we venture outside of God's design in this area, the consequences can be devastating.
I would encourage you and your boyfriend to remain sexually pure until marriage. If you are already living together, you need to know that God considers that a sin, and it's important that you ask His forgiveness and then take seriously what He tells us in His Word.
To answer the second part of your question, I believe that pre-marital counseling is vital for every couple who is thinking about getting married. One of the best programs I know is called "Prepare and Enrich," and has an 80% success rate at predicting which couples will succeed, and which couples will be divorced within three years.
I also believe it's critical to date for at least one full year before getting engaged. Many couples who are in love rush into things, sometimes with disastrous consequences. If you think about it, what is 52 weeks when you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together? Some people won't agree with me, but I also don't believe it's wise to get married until you're at least in your early 20s. The research shows that couples who wait until they are at least 23 have a much lower divorce rate than those who marry younger. Getting married at 18 may have worked for our parents or grandparents, but young people today live in a very different world, one with a divorce rate close to 60%.
I hope that's helpful.


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House Tour: Beth's Photogenic Home
Name: Beth Jansen
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Size: 3500 sq. ft.
Years lived in: 1
The home that Beth shares with her family is big, and like the old saying, it's also bold and beautiful. She got in touch with us through our House Tour submission form and we are so happy that she did - this glossy, lush, patterned and textured home is some serious candy for our mid-winter color-starved eyes.
As a professional photographer, Beth can capture the spaces she has created in a personal way, picking up on all the design details that makes these rooms special, from the natural elements of the stone mantle and bath to the pop explosion of the shiny pink walls and collaged wallpaper. There are lots of great ideas and vignettes throughout the slideshow - take your time and enjoy the tour!
AT Survey:
My style: Modern/Eclectic
Inspiration: I shoot on location and I've been in hundreds of homes, I love a modern edge but I want every room to feel comfortable and inviting. I grew up more of a country/shabby chic setting so I'm fond of warm woods and organic elements. I am inspired by color; I love Jonathan Adler, and am never intimidated by color or pattern. I want to enjoy moments so my concern is not for timelessness.
Favorite Element: COLOR
Biggest Challenge: COLOR, since I use so much of it, I try to avoid the 'circus' feel.
What Friends Say: That I'm daring
Biggest Embarrassment: When I picked the colors for the master bedroom and walked in while all the furniture was thrown towards the middle of the room I gasped, it looked like a cheap candy store and my husband was PISSED. I took it on as a challenge and now my bdrm is one of my favorite spaces in the house!
Proudest DIY: My photography is pretty much art in every room.
Biggest Indulgence: Custom made pieces by my handy carpenter; He built my mantle, knocks out walls, even makes custom picture frames.. Currently he's building a look alike hive modern bicycle wheel coffee table!
Best advice: When drinking your coffee and looking around a room, make sure that room makes you FEEL, whatever that intended feeling is, feel it!! I KNOW my house is not for everyone but it's for my family and me and it makes us feel like we don't live in an incredibly conservative city!
Dream source: All the boutique hotels popping up all over the country. The décor is always chic and daring – amazing use of color and light. I want friends to feel like they are on vacation when they come over – unlike anything else in Oklahoma City :)
For cool Tile: Interceramic.com has some cool tile, (kitchen backsplash, master bath) Denim, Glow, and Grid series are awesome! And www.modwalls.com has some great stuff as well..
Furniture & Decor: More than half is from thrift stores and antique/vintage modern shops.
Love El Paso Import Company and Anthropology, CB2 and Hive Modern
Wallpaper: who cares where you locate it! The wallpaper in my family room is clearance high end wrapping paper, stuck up with wallpaper paste!
Art: From all over, all photography is mine, but anyone can take a picture of bamboo and hang it above a bed! Adds a nice punch of color!
I LOVE Etsy.com – pretty much the most time-sucking, money hemorrhaging website. Many of the paintings in my home were found on etsy and all under $300!
Love Domino, Elle Décor, Dwell, and even Country Living! I'm a total blog stalker and am constantly inspired by other's art, photography and otherwise. I'll design a room around a single piece or an outfit someone wore!
Thanks, Beth!
Photos: Beth Jansen
108 Comments
Awesome, stunning, beautiful, and congratulations! Now THIS belongs in the Fall Colors contest.
Wow. I love the colour and patterns. So vibrant and full of life! Just what we need this time of year...
I like everything but the wallpaper, otherwise bravo, the entire house is great.
This kicks SO MUCH ass. This house looks like a fairy tale.
The use of color and texture throughout this home is impressive. One of the best tours I've seen yet. So lively and fun. The family room is my favorite.
Beth, your taste is impeccable. Thanks for sharing!
omg, so bold, so stunning, so FUN!! That blue/green in the guest bedroom is gorgeous!! I wish I had the guts to do this, but my husband would never go for it, haha.
I think I said some house tour yesterday was my fave, but now this is my new fave. It's not like I just started looking at them either! I love colour so much, this is a real inspiration as I start to pick out paint colours for our condo.
You have really created a wonderfully happy looking and colorful home! Definitely shows you got spunk!
Does anyone know where I can find that yellow pillow?? I LOVE it!
A little large for my own personal liking, but adorable nonetheless. I'm completely in love with the stone walls in the bathroom!
SOOO gorgeous. i LOVE color.
What an interesting and truly unique house. Brilliant.
SO bold! if only I was this daring!! love everything, but esp. the bedroom! I would love to know the paint colors used in that room!!
I loved it. Not a dull moment. Fun.
oops! should have specified: would love to know the paint colors in the MASTER bedroom.
I like the photo of the marijuana plants over the bed. That is a great subliminal way to help fall asleep and it is legal.
It is not for me, but I see how the space reflects your taste and the way you live and feel in that space, and that's brilliant. Thank you for sharing your home, it's really inspirational and what I expect to see in house tours: real people, real spaces, spaces that feel lived in. Besides I don't know anyone who wouldn't like to spend a night in your gorgeous guest room.
Oh WOW! I love it! It's beautiful and daring! I love the bathroom too. It's amazing how it's kind of the flipside of the coin to the daring colors. Calm, but just as beautiful!
There are some nice moments in this house, but on a whole it's just too much for me! I'm glad you and your family enjoy it. Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful! Beth- Do you mind sharing what paint brand/colors you used? I am particularly interested in the melon and turqouise rooms.
WOWZA! Love her style and color mix. She's got some beautiful pieces and none of it looks like too much of a good thing.
Fabulous tour. Maybe my favorite ever.
Wow, beautiful. I love the blue/green in the other bedroom. And are you sure that's a shot of bamboo over the bed? Hmm. Looks like marihooch to me!
This is a CRAZY color marathon and I love it!!! Well done!
Wow! I can't say it's much to my taste, but I love how you love it so much!
The mantle is beautiful!
How do you clean that shower with the stone?!?!
Love it! Love it!
another request for the colours used in the master bedroom!
i LOVE your house!!!! whenever i start to feel i made a mistake with the colours in my house, i'm going to look at this post again.
thank you for letting us see it!
I really love this house - it is just perfection. Bold, daring, unique and yet cozy. Well done and thanks so much for sharing with all of us!
Thank you for the fun time:)
good for your for using all the colors you love. it totally works =)
THANK YOU everyone! I'll work on getting the colors
Does anyone know where this bedspread is from!?!
And I'd love to know where you get all your gorgeous rugs!! I especially love the ones with the dahlia prints (?)
LOVING the colors and her personal style - it's like walking into the set of "Pushing Daisy's"
I love your home. You really captured the same feelings I want to create. Your home has so much character. I love everything about it and want to recreate the feeling in my home. I love the stone, the colors, the vintage touches and the architectural detail of the woodwork and soffits. Job Well done and congratulations. I know it's not easy.
I don't like all of the colors.. too much... it is giving me a headache
I was overwhelmed...except maybe for the shower enclosure.
Love love love the master bath and dining room. The other rooms have a lot going on but definitely show that a fun family lives there.
Holy C - this place is BOLD! I love color and I love pattern, so needless to say, I'm in love with your house. It's interesting how you use heavy doses of neutral to restrain what might otherwise feel overwhelming. And how on earth did you sell your husband on that master bedroom??
where did you purchase the shaded chandelier in the room right off the kitchen?
I loved the master bathroom!!!! I love the combination of the dark colors with the stone walls.
So creative and distinctive -- and instinctive. I love the rug in photo number 6.
completely, utterly, big puffy heart love and really, it takes a lot to make me say wow....which I have.
I agonized over that Anthropologie comforter for ages. You've shown me I was an idiot for not buying it.
Fun, color, and inspiring. Not too much, not too little. I really love this place, it's not like the others where she has the retro furniture (mostly Eames) with the b&w mixed with bright colors-type palette. I love the Caribbean-breezy feel with the first bedroom and the pink grapefruit colors of the second, as well as, the colors, patterns and textures throughout the home.
oh, this is so incredibly gorgeous. i love it! especially the guest bedroom--what lovely color!
Is that squirrely pattern on the kitche wall tile? Or wallpaper?
this place is totally not my taste, but i still kind of like the ways it's come together. i would love to have a sleepover here!
Cool home! I would love to have that master bathroom. It looks so tranquil.
Bold and beautiful indeed!
But too much for me though..
the umbrella painting... it's uplifting, i love it!
That was fun, thanks for sharing!
Love your choice of colors Beth! Your home is really uplifting, stylish, and fun!
Like a few mentioned above love the color of the bedroom - please share! I'm not sure if you mentioned it above. also, love the bathroom!!
Thanks for sharing!
I love color, too, so did enjoy a lot of the tour. the wall paper was too much for my eyes tho, esp. the black and white.
Love your open spaces and wonderful light with all those windows.
Thanks for sharing.
This is so delicious and beautiful that it's not funny.
But, my absolute favorite thing is the mantle. It's amazing. It's inspired. It's unexpected. It's perfect. It's the thing that everyone in the world needs to see, even if they're probably NOT going to "get it right" when they do it.
The bathroom is my gut-instinct favorite thing that makes me want to go there and take a shower immediately.
Everything else is in a very close tie for my third favorite thing.
ooh I love the colors! May I ask - who is the umbrella painting by?
STUNNING! Way to represent OKC girl!
LOVE it! top picks, b/w quilt, vanity stool, the wonderful combinations of pattern and color. Love the wall paper too! Inspired!
Wow. So not for me--I'd have to spend the entire time in a closet if I visited (assuming those are not covered in multiple wallpapers too)--but well done if that is your, um, style.
I appreciate this... quirky and colorful, but I would have a huge headache if I had to live here.
You really did accomplish making your styles and colors work together. Nicely done! I love the black and white damask wall paper.
The color isn't as unnerving as the objects and the way they are placed in these rooms. Let's add the choice of ceramic blue Foo Dog next to a green wood candlestick era unknown or just plain Target? Not sure. Point is that color along does not an "Alice in Wonderland" make.
Wow - absolutely gorgeous!
And what fun to see the space where my paintings have gone!
I hope it is not inappropriate, but Ive had several emails from folks who hunted me down on Etsy today - so I thought I might leave my contact info here. (I am the artist who painted the Leap painting with the umbrella, and the cupcake painting)
I can be found on Etsy, under the user name 'rozart' or my own website www.drunkencows.com
(thank you, if this shameless plus if allowed to stay up!)
Luv it, but I would do something different on the ceilings in the bedroom and sitting area, to cavey, even if it were painting the ceilings a different color, or basic white.
holy sh!t... I'm in love!
Wow - there is no other word for this but total eye candy. Or lush! This is complete talent to pull this off. It is so layered and rich and full and cozy and fun and unique. The kitchen/sitting area combo is my favorite area of the home for sure. This place deserves an award. Bah humbug to the boring MCM-syle interiors that are everywhere where people just bought items online from DWR etc. and placed them in the home together. That can look nice, but this place is inspired and inspiring. I love all the art and creativity here. I would love to create rooms in my home that have 50% of the intensity of this but I could never pull it off. Kudos. This was so fun to view. One of the best house tours ever I think. Congratulations.
Only thing is if you want to feel "soothed" or "calmed" from your decor, this is not that. I wonder to the owner, does it get to be too much after a while or does it interfere with a relaxed feel?
wonderful home...thank you so much for sharing!
Bedspread in spare rm is Anthropoligie
Orange floral Rugs are Pottery Barn
Paint in Master Batch is Valspar (Lowes) - LA618 Spice
Painting in Kitchen is ROZ (http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5503919)
Backsplash in kitchen is TILE (interceramictile.com)
Thanks for all of the kind comments!
Amazing! Another request for the artist info on the sweet little umbrella painting. And does the artist have an etsy shop? If so, it'll be an automatic favorite.
The rooms feel a little disconnected, but who cares... they're all fantastic.
The umbrella and cupcake painting artist:
(thanks for asking!)
And Beth - thank you for this boost. :)
Prettyprettypretty ! It's bold - maybe a little too much fo rme to live in it, but then *I* don't live in it - , it's fun, it's warm and welcoming.
I'd love to come and visit - but then, you'd better watch your mantle and that quilt in the guest bedroom *very* carefully, cause I don't guarantee they'd still be here after I leave ^^
Where does the wuilt come from ?
This is probably my favorite all-time house tour! So beautiful and unique. I'm bookmarking it for future inspiration.
I saw you posted some of the sources in the comments, beth, but add me to the list of those curious about the green in the master bedroom. I think that would be the perfect shade in my bedroom, too!
I want to sleep in the guest bedroom. Stunning.
What a happy environment! The black and white wallpaper is too much for me, too, but the colors are beautiful! I wish I had more rooms so I could try that kind of mix -- but I guess my more prosaic combinations suit me...
Rozart, love the paintings, too -- first thing that caught my eye was the umbrella painting!
Oh, and I LOVE the stonework and the fireplace mantle! I might have to tinker with my fireplace now that I have been inspired. My Lack shelf as a mantle now seems... lacking!
I LOVE your house. I'm definitely inspired to apply some of that creative flair into my own home... I don't usually like some of the colors used, but they blend so well together there. It reflects warmth and happiness..
I just bought the Jonathan Adler book displayed on photo 12 jajajaja good product placement jajaja.
Oh, and I too LOVE LOVE LOVE the paintings... LOVE... ok... that's enough jejeje.
I love the fireplace mantel.
This house makes me so happy. I love it.
Love your choices in everything. I MUST know where the pillows are from in the den (on the tan couch). Thanks!
What a great place! It's hard to imagine having a bad day when living here. Way to give the midwest some good representation!
Can anyone tell me where can I find such a bed cover (not the black one, but the very colourful one on the first pic) ??? I just LOVE it!! Someone told me that this kind of a bed cover is usually given as a gift to a newly married couples?!?! Is that true? My source is not very reliable and I'm not from the US, so I really dont know if that's true or not.. I would be greatful if someone can give me more info about that.. Thanks!! :))
I absolutely love all the color! Its so nice to see someone that isnt afraid to mix patterns and go bright!
love, love, love your house!!
are those a bunch of swallows on the green wall? i love them! where did you find them?
I love everything about this house, especially the damask wallpaper. This has given me tons of inspiration! I want to copy that shower.
I'm a big fan of colorful interiors. I don't know how people can live in a house full of neutrals, especially white. I would get bored.
Oh, and I love that she's into Etsy! There are so many amazing artists on that site.
I LOVE this house!!!
All the colors and different patterns that you would think would not work together are fantastic!!
I think I would never be in a bad mood in this house.
I have to keep looking again and again.
hah! i used that wrapping paper for christmas this year and was thinking about using my leftovers for my filing cabinet.
i love that umbrella painting. i love this house!
Very bold and bright. I love the master bathroom, beautiful! And the dining room areas is gorgeous as well.
I can't say it's my taste but I love seeing houses with so much personality and uniqueness. I absolutely love your use of colours and textures! I bet you're always in a great mood in there!
My only complaint is that there's a bit too much going on. I like that you kept things simple in the bathroom...Otherwise, lovely home!
Did I miss it the comment with the bedroom color? I love how you balanced it! Lovely. I bookmarked this!
This is one of the most fun house tours I've seen so far! I love all the colors and art within the rooms
What are the colors in both of the bedrooms?
WOW! I love your game! what is that blue in the bedroom?
I love this home!!!!!! It's fun and playful and comfy and so personal!!!! Will you do a real apartment home makeover: LadyDesignNYC edition!!!???
Fun colorful playful livable, home, stirs the imagination like living in a giant crayola box ... just Love this house, the furnishings, the color the textiles, the art, the stone work in the bath room and fireplace, so much to look at and yet it is simply furnished ...
Although I hate the white and black wallpaper in the living area it cheapens the overall effect and overpowers the art and furnishings and kitchen cabinets,,, I see what they were trying to do here -- different color on opposite walls or something along those lines would have achieved the overall effect better.
Thanks for posting....
what is that particular shade of blue paint in the bedroom and where can i find it? love it!
This house kills me. Perfect! No beige in sight.
*sigh* I wish we lived in our keeper house already, so we could be this bold. Love all of it!
If you know them, can you list the all paints you used? I saw some of them in your answer posts above but I specifically want to know what the warm gray is in the guest room. We're going to paint our focal wall in the master a color similar to the blue you chose but we're having trouble deciding on a complimentary color for the other walls.
I love the couches in the family room. Can anyone give me information on where to find those or similar ones?
BRAVO!! Every room is an inspired canvas of deelightfullness!
It made me giddy. It made me envious. It made me happy...and then HAPPIER! It's everything my home isn't, but all that I secretly dream of. Loved it!
Young and definitely restless; bold and not always so beautiful. Must be my aging eyes, but I was left with a sense of vertigo.
There is no relief for the eye; it's way too much. Can not concentrate on the art pieces because of the competing backgrounds. It's just too-too self-consciously art directed and photo-styled a home for me.
There were some nice touches, but this scheme needs some serious editing.
Plays great in pix and online, because every shot is impeccably composed and lit. But to live in this home?
Not so sure.
Great photographer, tho.
I like the blue bedroom:
the different tables & lamps and all the textures on the bed, the overall colors in that bedroom and the textures really make that room look cozy,
from washington state.
Woo. Not at all my style, but completely looks like the home of someone I'd love to know!!! It definitely IS what it wants to be when it grows up, and this I love.
I love it sooooo much! I think the rooms are sooo different but it's definitely working for you! Thanks for sharing!!
I have never, ever commented on a home in my several years on this site. This place is amazing! I love Roz as well, and have a similar painting in my living room. Thanks so much for sharing your home with us.
Both of the bedrooms are gorgeous. I wouldn't want a bedroom as large as your master bedroom but you did a great job of it. i like the black and white wallpaper and I also like the room that has several wallpapers next to each other. Oh well maybe not wallpaper but high end wrapping paper. I bet it is very original for Oklahoma.


text:
Members of Soroptimist International of Tracy will gather Thursday, April 18, for their monthly meeting.
Soroptimist International is a nonprofit that works to improve the lives of women and girls locally and around the world.
The group meets from 6 to 7:30 p.m. the third Thursday of each month at Perko's Café, 1321 W. 11th St. Guests are welcome.
Organization recognized for efforts
The South Side Community Organization will be honored April 27 for its activities and programs.
During a dinner at the Guadalupe Center, 126 W. First St., the Tracy Hispanic Business Group will present its Community Organization of Year award to the group.
The evening will begin at 6 p.m. with a social hour, followed by dinner and the awards presentation.
Tickets, $35 person, can be purchased at the Tracy Chamber of Commerce office, 223 E. 10th St.
For information: 835-2673.
• Members of clubs in Tracy or Mountain House are invited to send news about to email@example.com or 131 W. 10th St.


text:
Good luck GD,Have a safe and successful hunt.
2011 Firecat 400
2013 PSE Drive
2012 PSE Brute X
Be safe and enjoy. Good Luck to you GD...don't forget the pics.
Chasman, 2010 Martin Bengal 60#,Parker Phoenix 60#, Parker Hornet 70#. Hutch-n-Son strings.'Makes a lot of sense if you don't think about it!
May you enjoy the grandeur and beauty of His wonderful creation, fulfill your role and purpose in the circle of life and enjoy every second in the spirit of the wild. Be Blessed.
Martin Black Panther - Martin Cougar III Magnum
Rytera Scepter V - Martin Diablo - 2 @ Rytera Seeker
"I will make My arrows drunk with blood... Deuteronomy 32:42a (HCSB)
I am an Alien, I am in this world but I am not of this world, have mercy. Tell the Truth and shame the Devil.
Hey GD, don't forget your Depends, that way you won't have to use a potty.
Bow String Depot Custom String Builders
Need a string set pm or email me @ email@example.com
or check us out @ http://bowstringdepot.com


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I'll never forget the counseling session with Al and Olivia. They had been high school sweethearts and, now in their mid-50s, had been married almost 35 years. Al was about to retire after 25 years at a paper mill. Olivia was a registered nurse. They had three grown children and six grandchildren.
Al sat stone-faced in the corner chair in my office. Olivia fought back tears as she explained why they were there. "Al says he doesn't love me anymore. He's found someone else."
"Al, is this the situation?" I asked.
He cleared his throat and spoke softly, "Yeah, I guess it's so."
I listened as they both explained how they put so much energy into raising kids and building careers that they forgot to love each other and nurture their marriage. After the kids moved out, Al and Olivia never discovered how to reconnect and fill the gap of an empty nest.
Olivia recounted the wasted years of living two separate lives. She confessed that she had neglected Al sexually and domestically. "He poured himself into his job. I poured myself into the kids and my nursing career," Olivia said.
Al added, "We kept drifting apart. I knew what I was doing was wrong; I was too proud to ask for help."
After a brief pause, I quietly asked, "So are you guys going to call it quits after 35 years? Is this the best answer?" Al stared out the window, and Olivia looked at the floor. "You are both believers. Is this what God wants?"
I continued to ask pointed, painful questions over the next three hours. I knew this couple was on the brink of divorce, and I probably had only one shot at helping them.
At one point, tears rolled down Al's rough face as he said, "I think I have gone too far. I don't think I can pull it back together. I don't think Olivia can forgive me. I don't think I can forgive myself. It's too late."
I looked at Al and said, "Al, it's never too late to do the right thing. You and Olivia have too much to give up. God loves you but dislikes the way you are trying to solve your marriage problems—especially when they can be corrected and prevented."
Toward the end of the session, we had made some progress but not enough. Al had to be challenged to make a decision. So did Olivia. Would she take Al back after he had been emotionally unfaithful?
I handed them two pieces of paper. "Al, Olivia, I haven't heard either of you make a strong commitment to work on your marriage. So what I'm asking you to do right now is write a letter to your children and to your grandchildren explaining that you are going to divorce. Be assured that they will want to know why. They have a right; this affects them as well."
I walked out, leaving them to face the truth, and I prayed earnestly. When I walked back into the room 10 minutes later, Al sat with his head in his hands. Olivia sat quietly with her paper in her lap.
"I can't do it," Al said. Olivia shook her head in agreement. The reality that 35 years of irretrievable investments was about to be lost had set in.
For four months, I worked with Olivia and Al, teaching them how to make changes that would bring back intimacy and purpose to their marriage. One of the things that led them to the point of desperation is that they had stopped doing the things that brought them together in the first place.
They had to reconnect with each other by going back to their dating days from the '60s: pizza and a movie every Friday night. Then they learned how to forgive each other for unfaithfulness in similar but different ways. They stopped keeping score of wrongdoings. They connected daily, even when they didn't feel like it.
They began to study God's Word together for the first time in more than 30 years. Instead of fighting to solve problems, they got on their knees and asked God to help them. They resumed intimacy in the bedroom after sleeping in separate rooms for 10 years. They rediscovered the value of touching, listening and walking together.
Two years ago I received a Christmas card with no return address. There was no writing inside, only a picture of Al and Olivia's large family: several young couples, numerous kids and a balding man and a beautiful, mature lady with gleaming eyes that said, "We did it!"
With the right spirit and actions, any marriage can be restored.
Does a person fall in and out of love the way Hollywood portrays it? Does something just happen and the light switch flips on or off in our romantic relationships?
Or, is falling in and out of love an involved process that takes time and the development of key elements? In my opinion, along with many relationship experts, the latter is the most accurate explanation.
Family Dynamics, a company based in Nashville, TN, has put a considerable amount of research and effort into the area of marriage and the "falling in love" process. Their research shows that a person does fall in love, but it is more than an emotion or "love at first sight" experience.1
In order to fall in love, a person must move from independence – needing only one's self to exist – to interdependence – being concerned about self but needing someone else to exist as well.
Some people can even go beyond interdependence and move toward the unhealthy side of relationships: dependence – needing others to exist and not being able to function without them.
In order for a person to move from independence to interdependence (the healthiest scenario), certain dynamics must take place:
Moving through these three stages, the couple thus transitions from independence to interdependence.
An interdependent relationship isn't static; it continues to be dynamic. On any given day, the relationship may move slightly toward independence or dependence. That is normal.
But some relationships move toward dependence, which is not good. Continued movement toward dependence causes a relationship to become unhealthy and ridden with psychosis.
This process also involves three stages:
Since falling in love is a process of moving from attraction, acceptance and fulfillment, falling out of love is just the opposite.
When a person moves backward through the three stages (from interdependence to attraction), the feelings of love diminish. Not only will passion disappear, but commitment will eventually disappear as well.
The trip backwards begins when one or both partner stops meeting the other's needs and when negative behaviors, like selfish demands, disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts, become a daily practice.2
Continued movement away from interdependence indicates that your marriage is in trouble and needs to be addressed. If not, the relationship is headed for at least one of three destinations:
Thus, if you find that you or your spouse is falling out of love, you must begin at the beginning and start over:
As simplistic as this process sounds, it works. Hundreds of couples are beginning to learn how to fall back in love by following the same pattern they followed to fall in love in the first place. By seeking professional help and making a commitment to this process, you can too.
You remember the sleepless nights and the lightheadedness you experienced after seeing her big, beautiful smile light up a room. You recall when just the thought of him holding your hand caused shortness of breath and a queasy stomach.
In some countries, they call that malaria.
In our culture, we call it romance.
In fact, years ago two doctors actually presented at the Congress of Internal Medicine in Wiesbaden, Germany, the idea that Liebeskummer – love sickness – is a definite medical ailment replete with physical symptoms.
At this point in your marriage, are you wondering where the "symptoms" went?
Sustaining the emotional excitement of romance, or "being in love," can be difficult at best – and physically draining at worst. The shimmer of courtship is often replaced with the realities of budget crunches and dirty diapers.
Dorothy Tennov, a clinical psychologist who worked with thousands of couples, said that romantic love, on average, lasts only three years.1 Does that sound depressing? If there's any truth to what she said, and if marriage is a lifetime commitment, we need to adjust the way we approach romance.
Romance is only one of the types of love important in marriage. If you think of marriage as a house, four kinds of love are like the components that make the house complete.
All four loves reflect God's design for your marriage. But in Western culture, romantic love has been exalted above the others.
Throughout history, songs, drama, and poems have lauded romance. Today movies and advertising do the same thing. Romance was designed by God, but it pales in comparison to the sacrificial nature of unconditional love. Romantic love looks for what it can get; unconditional love looks for what it can give.
If romance has waned in your marriage, put it in perspective. Work at renewing it. Set aside a regular date night, even if it means paying a babysitter.
Write a love letter to your husband. Buy your wife a rose. Be creative in the ways you show affection to each other.
Compile a list of qualities that originally drew you to your spouse. They probably have a little tarnish on them, but you'll likely find them with some polishing. If conflict between the two of you has squeezed out romance, get help to resolve it.
A few years into their marriage, Donna and Pete realized that their romance had taken a leave of absence. Work demands, frequent arguments, and the impact of time had dulled the luster that first characterized their relationship.
Instead of bailing out, they took a more realistic look at romance. Then they took steps to "repair the roof." They committed to dating each other twice a month, made time daily for communication, and worked out the in-law problem that had frustrated them for years.
No, the romantic "symptoms" weren't as powerful as they once were. But their love grew deeper as they worked on their marriage.
If you think you've fallen out of love, it may be because marriage requires hard work. Remember: The harder the climb, the better the view!
"We just drifted apart."
So many couples cite this as the reason for their divorce that you might think it's inevitable. Is it? If not, how can you prevent it?
Robin admits that she and her husband, Tony, are drifting apart. "We have different interests now. He's immersed in his work, and I'm at home all day with our three sons. I gave up my career to raise a family while Tony gets promotions. When Tony gets home, he has nothing left for me. He doesn't really love me."
Many couples seem to feel marriage is like selecting the right plane—and then putting it on autopilot. That's a good way to ensure that spouses eventually drift apart.
Here's how it often works: One partner is satisfied with the relationship as it is, but the other's needs are overlooked. In the case of Robin and Tony, Tony has been the mostly happy one. He has a beautiful wife, three great kids, a relationship with the Lord, and a job he enjoys. He's seen himself as having made the right choices—so from now on, it's smooth sailing. Autopilot has seemed to work for him.
Robin, on the other hand, is wondering whether she made the right choice of "plane." She needs more of Tony's presence to feel valued.
In a bid for Tony's attention, Robin has started distancing herself from him. His reaction is to feel inadequate, disappointed in himself that he can't make his wife happy, unworthy of her love, and confused. He's thinking, What am I doing wrong?
Instead of disclosing her needs, Robin is expecting Tony to do some mind-reading. When he fails, she withdraws her love. He, in turn, feels rejected and helpless to please her. Closeness evaporates, replaced by confusion and disappointment.
The result: Their relationship feels empty. They're drifting apart.
Robin and Tony need to understand that marriage is a growing, living relationship that needs nurturing. Before nurturing can be accepted, though, both partners have to be willing to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors.
Using "straight talk" to acknowledge emotions without blaming can lead to resolving conflict. Robin could start the process by saying something like, "Tony, when I've had little adult conversation all day, I really need to talk with you."
Is this statement blaming? No. Is it clear what she needs? Yes. This will prevent defensiveness, contempt, and withdrawal.
Robin also can set the stage for solving the problem by putting the kids on a schedule that allows her "alone time" with Tony. The degree of closeness in a marriage reflects the overall climate in a home, and "climate control" takes spending time together.
Robin needs to know how to handle her resentment, too. When thoughts like He doesn't really love me arise, what should she do?
When such a thought strolls into the entryway of her mind, it doesn't belong to her yet; she doesn't have to feel guilty about it. But when she "camps on" this resentful thought instead of analyzing and rejecting it, it takes on a life of its own. She accepts ownership and buys into deception. She allows the thought to keep her from respectfully telling Tony what she's experiencing.
There's hope for Robin and Tony. They're both Christians who take their relationship with God seriously, and have been asking Him what to do about drifting apart. With His leading, they're working on making changes like these:
There are as many reasons for drifting apart as there are marriages. But the way to prevent that drift begins with a single step: taking yourself off autopilot.
It was late Sunday night. Julia had slipped into something more comfortable. I could hear water running and smell scented soap. I knew what she was up to, and I loved her for it — she was cleaning the kitchen.
This is usually one of my household duties. After a weekend of nonstop activity, it would be understandable if Julia just plopped down and rested. Instead, she chose to clean the dirtiest room in the house — for the sake of the family.
Acts of sacrifice, sprinkled freely throughout a marriage, make love richer and deeper. We know that, so what's the problem with doing it? Self.
Self constantly asks for more: What about my needs? What about my hurts? What about my time? Sacrificial love challenges us to give to our spouse in uncomfortable or unreasonable ways — ways that cost us emotion, time and pride.
If we pray to become more selfless, God will act. But self-giving love as a regular virtue in marriage means that we deal with some tough questions:
How can I love this way when I'm feeling unloved?For newlyweds, giving comes easier. After a few months, though, we need renewable motivation to maintain selflessness for our husband or wife, in spite of the cost to ourselves. Selflessness has to start with turning to Jesus.
Through Christ, we are promised God's love forever. To be selfless requires thinking about how God's love for us cost Him His Son. How can we apply this type of selflessness to loving our spouse?
Why put myself out when my spouse is acting like a jerk?What better time is there? Jesus didn't wait till we became more kind or thoughtful before He died for us. He did it while we were still selfish and uncaring. This same extraordinary kind of love, shown in small acts of generous behavior, will improve your marriage.
One of the most selfless things about Julia is the way she listens when I'm a jerk. Recently, I was pretty negative about a youth ministry we're involved in. It was hard for her to hear that I questioned why I was doing this outreach, that it felt burdensome, that I thought it was really more her thing than my thing.
Julia didn't respond in anger. She listened, expressed her feelings and prayed quietly. She offered a gentle answer that settled my wrath, allowing me to think through the real problem. (As much as I love working with kids, it drains me.)
What's the difference between selflessness and passively letting my spouse get his or her way?My friend Martha Manikas-Foster puts it this way: "Selflessness costs something dear, and conflict avoidance protects something dear. When my husband David became more willing to work out conflicts, putting aside his natural tendencies to avoid them, then I saw he was being selfless."
Often I'll find ways to care for Julia, but if it means discussing a problem and enduring the intense discussion that might ensue, I avoid it. The most loving thing I should do is pray about it, talk about it and stop pretending it's not there.
How can I love my spouse more when I feel as though I'm giving so much already?You may feel overwhelmed with work, kids and church. How can you do something extra for your spouse?
When I'm out of energy, I admit it to God, then my weakness becomes a conduit for divine strength. Maybe I'm extra tired, and Julia asks me to rub her back. So I pray, God, give me energy.
Other times we may want to be the giver but won't admitour own needs. Occasionally, the most selfless thing we can do is to acknowledge feeling overwhelmed and articulate our inadequacies.
• • •
Selflessness is not a marriage strategy but a heart transformation in Christ. "Jesus defines selflessness from the Incarnation to Calvary, so to be selfless is to identify with Him," says Martha's husband, David. "The point is to value your spouse so much that her best really is your goal."
. . .preserve sound judgment and discernment,
do not let them out of your sight (Proverbs 3:21 NIV).
I kissed my husband Charles good-bye, waved as I backed down the driveway and drove off for a weekend speaking engagement. His last words rolled across my mind.
"Be safe and have fun. I realize when you come home you'll be a new person. I'm looking forward to the changes I'll see."
We had talked the night before about not taking each other for granted––in other words, assuming we knew all there was to know about one another––and about the importance of supporting each other as individuals with ideas, dreams and goals of our own.
Yes, we were one in spirit and flesh as married partners but we were also a man and a woman who had God-given talents and gifts to share with the world. Changes and challenges were inevitable and we wanted to accept rather than resist them. We committed to praying for discernment in our relationship so we would not grow complacent.
I can say today, as my mother often said about her marriage to my father, "We're not out of the woods yet, but we're on our way, and most important, we're still together." She and my dad had walked side by side and climbed over a few boulders, as well, for more than 60 years.
The following suggestions for staying married for life (and happily so) are based on observations, conversations and trial and error in my marriage. They work––thanks to my parents' example, the advice of people I admire and the counsel and prayer of an older married couple, Rob and Grace, who befriended my husband and me many years ago.
Perhaps they will work for you too as you ask God for discernment, practice it and then experience the rewards and results in your marriage.
Being 'there' for your spouse is what being married is really about. It takes time to get to know another person. If you're not available, it can't happen. Our friends Tom and Lou go out for dinner every Friday night and they have done so for more than 30 years. When their children were young, they hired a sitter. Nothing but a serious illness keeps them from this weekly date where they focus on one another in a relaxed setting.
Russ awakens his wife Jean each morning with a cup of her favorite tea. The two then sit in bed together, talk over their plans for the day and spend a few minutes in prayer. "Our day always goes better when we pray first," said Russ.
Ginger and Alan work together in real estate—a business with unpredictable hours and lots of driving. One works in the field, the other in the office. "Believe it or not we rarely see each other during the day so we've made a point of having lunch together," said Ginger. "Nothing gets in the way of that one hour when we can talk, plan, laugh and debrief."
And Sally and Dave bought a hot tub where they spend their special time together each night before going to bed. "The couple that soaks together stays together," Sally joked.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Luke 12:34 NIV).
Have you ever walked up to someone at an event, and as you begin talking, he or she nods and makes polite sounds, but is clearly elsewhere in spirit? He scans the crowd while he's standing with you. Or she peeks around your shoulder as if to say, "I wonder who else is here." It's chilling to be on the receiving end of such treatment. It's bad enough when it occurs at a social or business gathering, but it can be devastating in a marriage.
To be attentive, one must pay attention! Look your spouse in the eye. Listen for your mate's heart, not just for his or her words. This is an area of challenge for almost everyone. We lead such busy lives that many of us have made a habit of doing more than one thing at the same time. We make phone calls while driving, cook with one hand and scribble a list with the other, cut a child's hair as we help our mate with the monthly finances.
Later we wonder where the years went and why we don't feel as connected to our husband or wife as we hoped we would. We long for another hug. We wish we could laugh and play more. We notice a growing distance between us. If this is true for you, take heart. It's not too late. Regardless of how long you've been married, you can learn from those mistakes. Each of us can choose today to start paying attention to the person we vowed to love and cherish for a lifetime.
"His God instructs him and teaches him the right way" (Is. 28:26 NIV).
A friend of mine had a successful restaurant business for 20 years. He credited it to his weekly round-table meetings with his employees. "He knew his people would not be effective if they were carrying around emotional baggage," said his wife Anne. Each Monday morning Frank invited them to share anything that might interfere with them doing their job. "At the end of the meeting you could feel the change in the air," she said. "Employees felt closer to one another because they knew they weren't alone. Other people cared."
This custom inspired me. I started practicing it with my husband. Instead of assuming I know what's going on with him, I pray for discernment when I suspect something is upsetting him. Then I ask if he'd like to talk and if so, I try to listen and empathize rather than rush in with a pat answer.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves (Romans 12:10.
"Thank you."
Two words spouses don't hear often enough––from one another:
Gratitude is not an option. It's actually God's will. As the apostle Paul reminds us in 1 Thes. 5:16-18, ". . . give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
The more we express our appreciation toward our mates, the freer we become of negative thoughts and emotions toward one another. Resentment and judgment cannot exist in the same space with appreciation.
"Gratitude is the rosemary of the heart," wrote 19th century writer Minna Antrim.
How little it would take to sprinkle rosemary into the lives of our spouses. A simple 'thank you' every single day would do it!
As we become available, attentive, aware, and appreciative toward our marriage partners, we are building a relationship that will last a lifetime—and happily so.
A 50-something couple sits at a table for two in a nice restaurant. Even the most casual observer can tell they aren't communicating with one another. Oh, she may ask him to pass the salt. Or, without looking up, he'll inquire, "How's your steak?" But there's no real conversation going on, no eye contact and no sign of the spark that once animated their marriage.
Watching this couple is sad. Becoming this couple is tragic. How did their relationship devolve to a point of coexistence rather than co-partnering? Is their monosyllabic interaction a sign they no longer love each other?
More likely, they've simply neglected the regular "checkups" necessary to keep their marriage running optimally in "all weather" conditions.
Marriage experts identify certain transition points in the life of even the healthiest marriage — transitions that, if ignored, can leave couples out-of-sync and emotionally disconnected from one another.
Typical transition points are the birth of a child, when children leave home and after during the retirement of one or both partners. If those life transitions aren't consciously noted and addressed (Who are we now that we're no longer devoted to parenting and our careers?), it can result in couples who gradually drift apart and take up separate lives, barely noticing that they've become total strangers.
"We have concluded that first-half strategies practiced in the second half of life are a sure formula for failure," says Terry Taylor, who, with his wife Carol, founded Second Half Ministries in 1998. The Taylors encourage couples to take a deliberate approach to finishing well in all aspects of life, but especially in their marriages.
So, where do you begin? A review of expert advice and conversations with some who have been happily, productively married for 30 years or more reveals practical steps you can take to make sure you and your spouse don't wind up silently idling your engines. So check under the hood — it may be time to:
All in all, the key to not winding up like the mechanical couple in the restaurant is to realize that your life together is God's gift to you. Like all His gifts, it's meant to be nurtured and cherished each and every day.
Remember when you were dating and you could be together all evening, then talk on the phone until the wee hours of the morning because there was so much more to say? With a little effort, a similar sort of excitement can be a part of your revitalized marriage. May you close down every restaurant you visit.
Thank you to all of the donors who make the work of Focus on the Family possible.
Note: Names have been changed.
On Valentine's Day, Meg* went all out, giving her husband, Peter,* his favorite candy and tickets to a hockey game. Later that night, she wrapped herself in a special outfit purchased just for the occasion.
Peter got her a card.
At the grocery store.
That he purchased on the way home from work.
He didn't add anything to it, either. He just signed it, "Peter."
A couple of days later, Meg tried to explain that she felt a little taken for granted. Apparently, Peter misunderstood her intent because two months later, when they celebrated their anniversary, Peter didn't get Meg anything.
"How could you not get me anything for our anniversary?" she asked Peter the next day. "Especially after our conversation about Valentine's Day."
"Well, I thought about getting you something, but it didn't work out," he replied. "And then I knew not to get you a card because you said you didn't like that last time."
"It's not that I didn't like the card. It's that the card alone seemed a little sparse. But even that is better than nothing ..."
Several months later, Meg had a birthday. This time, Peter got her a present – a kitchen tool set. Several weeks before, Meg had asked to borrow Peter's tape measure and screwdriver. Peter figured that Meg should have her own small set of kitchen tools so she didn't have to borrow his.
Meg recounted all this and then explained how she had tried to get her husband to read several how-to books on loving your spouse. He would read the first few pages, lose interest and never pick the book up again.
"I've realized this is never going to change," she confessed. "But I love him anyway."
That last statement of Meg's, "but I love him anyway," is one of the most profound theological statements on marriage I've ever heard. Most of us base love on because, not on anyway. I love you because you're good to me. I love you because you're kind, because you're considerate, because you keep the romance alive.
But in Luke 6:32-36, Jesus says we shouldn't love because. We should love anyway. If we love someone because that person is good to us, or gives back to us, or is kind to us, we're acting no better than anyone else. In essence, Jesus is saying you don't need the Holy Spirit to love a man who remembers every anniversary – not just the anniversary of your marriage, but the anniversary of your first date and your first kiss. Any woman could love a man like that. Or if you love a wife who lavishes you with sports gifts, who goes out of her way to make you comfortable when you get home from work and who wants sex anytime you do – well, you're doing what any man would do. There's no special credit in that!
But if you love a spouse who disappoints you, who can be a little self-absorbed – now you're loving anyway. In doing that, you're following the model of the heavenly Father, who loves the ungrateful and the wicked.
Will you love only because? Or are you willing to love anyway? Will you love a man or woman who doesn't appreciate your sacrifice? Will you love a husband or wife who takes you for granted? Will you love a spouse who isn't nearly as kind to you as you are to him or her?
Just about every faithless marriage is based on because love. Christians are called to anyway love. That's what makes us different. That's what gives glory to God. That's what helps us appreciate God's love for us, because God loves us anyway. He gives and gives and gives – and we take Him for granted. He is eager to meet with us, and we get too busy to notice Him. He is good to us, and we accuse Him mercilessly when something doesn't go just the way we planned it.
But God loves us anyway. To love anyway is to love like God – and to learn about God's love for us.
That's love, the way God intended it.


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text: Bell'O CMS-169W Cable Management System Conceal audio/video wires along walls Zoom Front detail Package Photos Videos Item #: 494CMS169W Review Summary 5 people say In Stock Free Crutchfield lifetime tech support Free Shipping Your price $26.99 Add to cart + Add to wishlist Email me alerts for this product Buy this item and earn up to 27 Rewards points See more offers and ways to save Special Financing Available x By buying this product you'll earn up to 27 Rewards points. When you sign up for a Crutchfield account, you'll be enrolled in Crutchfield Rewards. You'll earn one point for every dollar you spend on gear from us. You can turn your points into Rewards Cards that you can use toward future purchases. You can sign up for an account now, or after you complete your purchase (you'll get credit for the points either way). Sign up for a Crutchfield account Overview Details Customer Reviews Q&A Articles & Videos Hide and organize loose audio cables, video cables, and speaker wire using this Bell'O cable management system. It holds up to nine cables, and you can adjust the total length from 18" to 59" for maximum flexibility. And Bell'O included the extras you'll need for installation 3M double-sided tape, screws, and wall anchors. See more info on this item Our 60-day money-back guaranteeHighlights:kit for hiding and organizing audio/video cablesincludes two 4" x 18" cable management channels, one adjustable cable management channel, one 90° corner channel, and three end capschannels hold between 6 and 9 audio/video cablesincluded installation accessories: double-sided tape, mounting screws, dry wall and masonry anchorslifetime warranty Hands-on research from the Crutchfield Labs (what are the Labs?) What's in the box? | In-depth notes Product Research What's in the box? Download owner's manual 2 Vertical wall tracks 2 Vertical wall track covers 2 Adjustable wall tracks 1 Adjustable wall track cover Elbow wall track Elbow wall track cover 2 Vertical wall cover/track cap 1 Adjustable wall cover/track cap 12 Mounting screws 12 Drywall/masonry anchors Two 1" x 17.75" 3M mounting tape One 1" x 14.5" 3M mounting tape Installation Instructions Alignment template Our Product Research Team At Crutchfield, you'll get detailed, accurate information that's hard to find elsewhere. That's because we have our own in-house Product Research team — they open the box, verify contents, check the owner's manual, and record dimensions, features and specs. We stay on top of new products and technologies to help people make informed choices. Features Overview: The Bell'O Wall Cable Management System (CMS169W) lets you and securely hide six to nine of your audio/video cables. This fully height adjustable cable management system extends from 18" to 59" (45cm x 150cm) without cutting or tools. You can easily mount this to your wall using the included 3M mounting tape, wood screws or sheet rock/masonry wall anchors. the decorative off-white painted finish can be painted to match your home décor. Adjustable Interlocking Panels: The Bell'O CMS169W features a precise interlocking connectable design which makes installation simple and ensures a straight channel. This unique sliding panel cover design adjusts in length from 18" to 59" (no cutting required). The CMS169W Cable Management System includes two 3.125" x 18" cable management channels/covers, one 3.375" x 18" adjustable cable management channel/cover, one 90° corner channel/cover, and three end caps, as well as mounting hardware. Cable Capacity: The CMS169W wall mounted track holds and hides up to nine audio/video cables. This cable management system is designed to be used with cable that have an insulated covering and are intended for consumer audio/video use, such as 75-ohm Cable TV/Broadcast antenna cables, RCA audio cables, digital fiber optic cables, digital audio cables, HDMI cables, DisplayPort cables, subwoofer cables and power cables that were included with your audio/video equipment. 9866 Paintable Surface: The Bell'O Wall Cable Management System features an attractive, painted, linen white surface which looks great on most walls or it can be easily painted with household paints to match your home's interior walls. The CMS169W also contains decorative end caps which locks the covers to the wall track and provides a finished, professional look. Included Mounting Hardware: The CMS169W includes mounting screws and wall anchors for installation into wood, drywall and masonry surfaces. 3M brand double-side mounting tape is included for when drilling is not required. Review this product Submit a review and then enter to win a $500 rewards card Bell'O CMS-169W Cable Management System Reviews Average Customer Review: 5 people say: Review this product: Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences about this product. Please be sure to focus your comments on the product itself. Read our Review Guidelines for more information. Review title * Email Your email won't be visible. Please use the email address that is associated with your order. Display name (e.g., JohnD) Your review will be signed using the display name and location * Your location (e.g., Charlottesville, VA) * Your rating Click on a star to rate the overall product on a scale of 1-5 1500 characters left * Your review Attach a YouTube Review Crutchfield Video Review Guidelines Only submit videos that you made or are authorized to use. Do not submit videos that contain music, video or visuals that are copyrighted and belong to someone else. Please see our Review Guidelines for more information. Submit the URL of your YouTube™ video review or product demonstration. e.g., "http://www.youtube.com/v/o79TWHh598U" 500 characters left Pros 500 characters left Cons * Agree to Terms By checking this box you agree your review becomes the property of Crutchfield, that you are over 18 years of age, that you own or have owned this product, and that you are located within the United States or its territories. Please see our Review Guidelines for more information. We reserve the right (but are not obligated to) review all submissions and edit or remove any review in any manner which we deem necessary. Your review should be posted within seven days. Filter by rating: 5 Star: (0) 4 Star: (0) 3 Star: (0) 2 Star: (0) 1 Star: (0) 5 out of 5 Wiring mounts Written By DavidP, Kansas on Thursday, November 21, 2013 Crutchfield Customer Review (What's this?) Was large enough to fit all the cords nicely. 1 out of 1 people found this helpful Was this review helpful? Yes | No 5 out of 5 Bell'O CMS-169W Written By Blake, Olathe,KS on Sunday, November 17, 2013 Crutchfield Customer Review (What's this?) This management system is the biggest I could find. I needed something to hold the wires for my Wii, PS3, and Xbox. After adding all the wires in, it does hold all the wires it says. I was worried but it worked out great. The paint stuck well and looks good on the wall. To clear up confusion, it comes with three large pieces that can connected or be used separately. Comes with end caps as well. I would recommend this if you have a large amount of wires you need to hide. Pros: Cheap, great construction. Cons: None 2 out of 2 people found this helpful Was this review helpful? Yes | No 5 out of 5 Great Product! Written By Karen G., Tucson, AZ on Saturday, June 22, 2013 Crutchfield Customer Review (What's this?) Great Product! Easy to install! And it attaches to my base board - now I don't have to paint my base board! Best part was I used my rewards points and the price was lowered - and I got free shipping. Pros: Installation was great - nice and easy - Just stick your cables in one of the plastic cases - close with attachments and the cables are hidden. Then use the double-stick tape and tape it to baseboard (like I did) and the cables are hidden. Cons: None 2 out of 2 people found this helpful Was this review helpful? Yes | No 5 out of 5 Bell O Cable Management Written By Tony, Long Island, NY on Monday, February 06, 2012 Crutchfield Customer Review (What's this?) Excellent product. Very easy to install via double stick tape or drywall anchors. I used this system on two wall mounted LCD TV's. Just level against the wall and go. And Crutchfields quick and well packed shipping made this product a great experience! 2 out of 2 people found this helpful Was this review helpful? Yes | No 5 out of 5 Perfect for what I needed Written By Anonymous, Buford,Ga on Thursday, August 12, 2010 Crutchfield Customer Review (What's this?) I mounted my new 50 inch plasma over my fireplace. I needed something with an 90 degree angle to run my cables up an over to the mantle. This cable management worked perfectly. I had plenty of room for all my cables. Installing was very easy. Looks great when I finished. I will probably paint it my wall color when I find my extra paint. Order and delivery was very fast with Crutchfield. I would recomend this product and Crutchfield to everyone. 4 out of 4 people found this helpful Was this review helpful? Yes | No For a more in-depth review and enhanced detailed information on the Bell'O CMS-169W Cable Management System, please visit the Crutchfield website product page (/ISEO-rccbcspd/p_494CMS169W/BellO-CMS-169W-Cable-Management-System.html ). × Front detail Package Searches related to the Bell'O CMS-169W Cable Management System Conceal audio/video wires along walls Bell'O Bell'O Cable Management Best Cable Management Cable Management under $50 Bell'O CMS-169W Cable Management System reviews