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Title list
Original list
It's been nice...
Raisin Bread
Speeding Ticket
My New Job..
Making a Baby!!!
Words of Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy
Some funnies to brighten your day..
It's Hell Getting Old
The Postman!!
For the animal Lovers in the group
Senior Joke
To my Female Friends at Large Friends
An oldie but a goodie
I got to have one of these!!!
Skinny Dipping
My Private Part Died!!!
Natural Highs!!
Just for the heck of it...
It's been nice...
167 Views
Hi boys and girls. It's been some time since I've been here. Nice to see some old faces and lots of new ones.
I've come to the conclusion that I should delete my name and profile since I don't come here anymore. I haven't been looking for anyone for a long time so I shouldn't take up the space.
Bye Bye too the few friends I've maede being on here. And good luck to all of you in your search.
ladyhawke aka Karin
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Raisin Bread
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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder,
he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then she notices an elderly man
standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's-a quiverin' a little!"
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Speeding Ticket
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."'
"'Have a good day, sir,"' replied the trooper
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My New Job..
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So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ' No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I
just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
LOL got you.....
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Making a Baby!!!
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There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your uh...equipment? '
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted \\
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For all of us, who will be there one day!
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses?. . . . .. What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . ... when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . ... . . . . . with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food . . . . . . .. . and makes no reply .
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . . . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . .. . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . . . . .. . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? ... . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me..
I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .... . . . . . . .. . who love one another.
A young boy of Sixteen . .. . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . . . .. a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . ... . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons . . . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn..
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . .. . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . . .grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone .. . . . ... . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . . . .. . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . . . . .. life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . . .. . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . ... . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . .. .. open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer . . .. . see ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within we will all, one day, be there, too!
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.
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Words of Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy
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1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
21. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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Some funnies to brighten your day..
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She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & ; down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
At 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,
When he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
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It's Hell Getting Old
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Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then
with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get the jar open'
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Mildred, the church gossip, and
self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose
into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence.. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new
member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in
front of the town's only bar one afternoon..
She emphatically told
Frank (and several others) That everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT
HE WAS DOING!Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house...Walked home...and left it there all night!!! (You
gotta love Frank!)
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The Postman!!
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One Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighborhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes
he notices that both cars are still in the driveway. His wonder is cut short
by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor
bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the
Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is
the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend
fun and it got a bit wild. Around midnight, we all got so drunk that we started
playing "WHO AM I".'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play "WHO AM I"?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up
seven times...'
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For the animal Lovers in the group
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Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. However, dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
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Senior Joke
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
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To my Female Friends at Large Friends
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If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year
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An oldie but a goodie
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Every time someone sends this one to me I can't stop laughing. I hope you like!!
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle It under the arms.
Well, Lena gets hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m.
The next day at 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her,
barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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I got to have one of these!!!
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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,right?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
> Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
> 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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Skinny Dipping
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast
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My Private Part Died!!!
150 Views
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
( You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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Natural Highs!!
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1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter..
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29. Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams.
31. Hot chocolate.
32. Road trips with friends.
33. Swinging on swings.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
37. Holding hands with someone you care about.
38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply..
44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
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Just for the heck of it...
90 Views
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
Available only
to logged in members
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Soft Coral
Portrait of a reef fish, hiding inside a red and white Glomerate Tree Coral (Dendronephthya sp.).
This image is available for use with credit to the photographer for non-commercial use. If you are interested in commercial use, please contact email@example.com.
To save the full sized image to your computer right click the Full Size link above (or control click on a Mac) and choose "Save Image As".

subset: commoncrawl


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The Marshal's Handbook is the gamemaster's guide to the world of Deadlands: The Weird West. It tells you how to rope your amigos into your adventures and keep 'em on the run from the insidious horrors of the Weird West.
It's also got a whole passel o' nasty critters to throw at those do-gooders, all in glorious full-color. The Weird West Player's Guide is also required for those who pla... [click here for more]
A Landless Man. A Wanderer. A Puritan.
Solomon Kane is many things, but above all, he is a hero. In a time of savagery and horror, he wanders the darkest corners of the Earth and battles the evil he finds hidden within. From the savage interior of Africa to the cold forests of Europe, the frigid mountains of Cathay, and the blood-soaked jungles of South America he battles mercile... [click here for more]
The world is drowning. The natives say three witches in Ograpog were sentenced to death directly by King Amemnus, drowned by the rising tide. With their dying breath, they cursed Caribdus, the land itself, to drown as they were, to drown in fifty fathoms of cold dark sea.
The people of Caribdus are adapting to their wet new world. Crab-like scurillians, massive grael, lonely doreen, mys... [click here for more]
Howdy Partner! This is the D20 version of the best-selling, award-winning Deadlands: the Weird West! It's 208 pages of zombie cowboys, mad scientists, and hex-slinging hucksters! Make sure to visit www.peginc.com to download a completely free supplement that adds Edges, Hindrances, and "wounds" to the D20 system! (http://www.peginc.com/Downloads/index.htm)
New Orleans, 1935. Whoever called this "the Big Easy" sure got that one wrong. Things are tough all over. Honest work is hard to find, and even dishonest jobs are getting scarce. The one thing that's not in short supply is trouble. From shady thugs to crooked cops to Mafia soldiers, there's plenty of characters out there looking to give an honest Joe a hard time.
... [click here for more]
Deadlands Noir introduced you to the rain-soaked streets of the Big Easy and the heroes who battle from its shadows. TheDeadlands Noir Companion shines a light on the rest of Noir North America—including Chicago, Shan Fan, Lost Angels, and the incredible City of Gloom.
The Companion also introduces martial artists, and adds Sykers and th... [click here for more]
Noir is about mood, and mood is made by music. Give your Deadlands Noir game a feeling you can't get any other way—set the tone with the Deadlands Noir Original Soundtrack.
This download contains nine original tracks by Harry Mack. That's a full hour of music made specifically for your Deadlands Noir... [click here for more]
This core rulebook includes everything you need to get your posse wandering the irradiated plains in the much-anticipated sequel to the award-winning Deadlands: The Weird West. Besides all the normal stuff on making characters and blowing stuff up, there's also juicy information on Doomsayers, junkers, sykers, Templars, and-of course-the Harrowed.
There Came a Reckoning...
The year is 2097, but the future is not our own.
The Last War ended in a rain of ghost rock bombs that killed billions and turned the world into a Deadland. And then the Reckoners came--the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse--bringing death and ruin to billions more and seeding the world with horrific monsters beyond imagining.
Then came a harbinge... [click here for more]
The end isn't nigh—it's past! Welcome to Hell on Earth Reloaded, the dark future of the strange past of Deadlands.
The year is 2097, but the future is not our own. The long Cold War between the United and Confederate States of America finally came to an end—in world-wide hellfire. The rain of ghost rock bombs shattered most anyth... [click here for more]
Take your Savage Worlds games to new depths of darkness with the Horror Companion. Inside are new rules for playing monsters, signs and portents, buckets o' blood, ritual casting, new spells, sanity, gear, new Edges & Hindrances, Setting Rules, over 100 new monsters, advice on creating and maintaining atmosphere, and MORE!
This tome of terror is essential for anyone running a dark o... [click here for more]
Stride forth with the legions of Rome to the distant corners of the world—the Celtic wilds, the forests of Germania, the deserts of Aegyptus—and into a history few will ever know. Witness a history of the dark things that rise as blood and war mingle with shadows and fear.
Fight the darkness in a war that spans centuries. Fight the darkness to your last breath—and beyo... [click here for more]
Both the savage cyclops and the cyclopean titan dwell in the ancient hinterlands of the Empire. Inside this 14-page creature feature are statistics for both, the magical artifacts they use and how mortals might wield them, Figure Flats, and five Savage Tales featuring these one-eyed giants of the ancient world.
For use with Weird Wars Rome or any Savage Worlds game.
Aegyptus, a land of mystery and antiquity to the rest of the known world. A place of ancient gods and goddesses, mysterious temples and tombs, and extreme environments. As the annual Nile floods begin to recede, the Roman governor in Alexandria receives word the Nubians have attacked the province from the south, quickly overwhelming the border posts and laying siege to the key frontier city of ... [click here for more]
For use with Weird Wars Rome or any ... [click here for more]
This PDF contains two sets of Legionary Archetypes for your Weird Wars Rome game. The first is a more heroic set of characters while the second is considerably less so! We've done this not only to increase the usefulness of this product for you, but also to show you how even very similar characters statistics-wise can be very different in actual play.
For u... [click here for more]
This PDF contains information on class and religion in ancient Roman society, as well as optional rules for Auguries and their effects on Mass Battles.
166 AD, Britannia. The Picts have pushed the legions back to Hadrian's Wall. During the day, painted barbarians engage with arrows, spears, and skirmish attacks, seeming to appear as if by magic, then fade into the undergrowth. At night, fellow legionaries vanish and strange cries are heard on the wind. Legio IX is on edge. They've been pushed hard, and are ready to push back.<>... [click here for more]


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You can get free online advertising from some companies if you buy a small, inexpensive ad in their free printed editions. Pick up any free printed classifieds you see in your area. They are usually found in grocery stores, restaurants, and other local businesses.
Some you may wish to consider are:
- Thrifty Nickel Want Ads aka American Classifieds aka TNOL.com
- PennySaver Classifieds
- Backpage – Suggested by Matt the Wedding DJ from Sacramento Weddings
Some print classifieds place only classified ads on their Web sites (not display ads). If you buy a small ad in one print edition that ad can be searched for and seen by anyone online. This can make it an inexpensive way to get free online advertising and sometimes links too. Offerings vary so be sure to read the fine print.
We are seeking out research others have done on the best classified sites and especially lists of classified ads by location. If you have any you would like included just leave us a comment or contact us at Twitter.
Gail Gardner
Latest posts by Gail Gardner (see all)
- How to Decide What to Virtualize in a Small Business - December 10, 2013
- STOP! We Are Doing Social Media Marketing All Wrong. Fix in #JJJRH - December 5, 2013
- How NOT to Do Blog Outreach to Avoid Unnatural Link Profile Penalties - December 2, 2013


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Farro is an ancient supergrain that has double the fiber and protein of modern wheat: the perfect candidate to star in this week's Meatless Monday. Farro is chewy, with a consistency kind of like pasta (you can cook it like pasta, too). You can serve it as a side like you would rice, quinoa or couscous, but farro's delicious when it takes center stage. Fancy up your farro by pairing it with fresh summer veggies, mixing into soups or stews, topping a salad…the list goes on.
Check out the 10 tasty and creative farro recipes we found:
Photo: Shutterstock


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Have you ever dreamed of going into space? Do you ever wonder what living in space would be like, how would you brush your teeth, bathe, or go to the bathroom. What would you where, what would you do for work, how would you sleep. In this essay I will teach you all of these interesting things, some might be disturbing, other things might sound fun. Here we go into space "the final frontier." In space you live on the space shuttle, the shuttle ha 2 cabins for the crew, these cabins are where the crew sleeps, eats, exercises, and keeps up with their personal hygiene. When you are in space you are weightless, so everything you do is done while you are floating around, with the exception of sleeping. While sleeping you are always strapped to something so you don't float into something while you're asleep. Sometimes you are strapped to a bunk other times you are just strapped to the wall. You may wonder what you can eat and how you eat when there is no gravity. Food in space has really come a long way, at first it was dehydrated food in packages and squeezable food in tubes. Now astronauts are able to eat many things such as brownies, fruit, steak, shrimp cocktail, chicken, and many other foods. These foods can be eaten in their normal form. All of the astronauts trash has to be put in a special trash compacter. The crew has 3 meals a day breakfast, lunch,and dinner. The international space station has an oven to heat food to the right temperature, but they don't have a refrigerator so food is preserved in other ways. How do astronauts stay clean in space? They do it in similar way as on earth, they still brush their teeth, comb their hair, bathe, and go to the bathroom. Astronauts brush their teeth and comb their hair the same way they do on earth except they are strapped to a chair. To wash their bodies they use shampoo that requires no water and doesn't need to be rinsed. If you were to walk, well float, into he shuttles bathroom it would look more like a laboratory than a bathroom. There is a rather long process to go to the bathroom, you have to strap yourself down, position yourself, and you know "go". The toilet works like a vacuum so human waste isn't floating about the shuttle. So, after reading this little essay would you like to be an astronaut? For some who have always dreamed of being an astronaut this information doesn't change their mind, but for others having to live in space would be torture. Personally I wouldn't want to live in space, sure I would love the whole zero gravity thing for a little, but after a while I would get sick of it. I hope you enjoyed this informational essay and learned a little something about space life!
Article posted November 7, 2010 at 05:20 PM • comment • Reads 8821 • Return to Blog List
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- Join the France 24 community here
- Log in
Latest update: 04/03/2013
- banking - Bonuses - finance - hostages - Mali - terrorism
The World This Week - March 1st, 2013 (part 2)
Our crack panel tackles bankers' bonuses, the French hostage drama in West Africa, France's loss of influence in the face of Russia, Beppe Grillo's antics in Italy and the papal succession. Will the Vatican package a new pope just like Beaujolais Nouveau markets itself – every year it's supposed to be different, but every year it tastes the same?
- Anne-Elizabeth Moutet, Columnist, The Sunday Telegraph;
- Ana Navarro Pedro, Paris correspondent, Visao Magazine;
- Christopher Dickey, Paris Bureau Chief, Newsweek, Columnist for The Daily Beast;
- Craig Copetas, Correspondent-at-large, Quartz/The Atlantic Group.
Watch the first partProgramme prepared and produced by Sophie Alavi, Anelise Borges and Mary Colombel


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Looking for a quote or gif set?
Check out the new tags page!!!
Request a quote!
Okay, last one, I promise.
I seriously miss my eyebrow though.
It would be totally awesome of you if you could make a gif. of turk when he sais 'do you see what you get carla, do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior!' when they're arm wrestling xD — connorashleyfoot


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Workbooks.com provides a free Edition for up to 2 users. You can sign-up for a free license on our website. When you first subscribe to the Free Edition, you will be given an account which is licensed for 31 days. After day 2 ...


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NBA PM: Is an Oligarchy good for the NBA?
The NBA Oligarchy
We've heard it before: the NBA is a star's league.
Only now a new study is suggesting that's not such a bad thing.
Basketball is not like baseball, where a lineup can be packed full of top-hitters without worry over chemistry or hierarchy. Rather, the NBA, and basketball as a whole, is different because a hierarchy exists based around a select group of players and it has a direct relationship to success on the field of play—or so says a new study from professors and students at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and Stanford University titled "When Hierarchy Wins: Evidence from the National Basketball Association."
Not only does the study suggest a strong connection between success and hierarchy, but the authors also argue that pay dispersion greatly factors into developing that hierarchy and the NBA teams with the greatest salary disparity tend to be better because they have a more-defined hierarchy, which allows for greater cooperation and coordination. Here's the abstract of the study, which was authored by Stanford assistant professor Nir Halevy, Northwestern PhD student Eileen Y. Chou, Kellogg School of Management professor of Ethics and Decision in Management Adam D. Galinsky, and distinguished professor of Risk Management at the Kellogg School J. Keith Murnighan:
Past research on pay dispersion has found that hierarchy hurts commitment, cooperation, and performance. In contrast, functional theories of social hierarchy propose that hierarchy can facilitate coordination and performance. We investigated the effects of hierarchical differentiation using a sample of professional basketball teams from the National Basketball Association (NBA). Analyses of archival data revealed that hierarchical differentiation in pay and participation enhanced team performance by facilitating intragroup coordination and cooperation. The data provide the basis for a theoretical analysis which suggests that hierarchy is particularly beneficial for procedurally interdependent tasks (e.g., basketball) but can harm team performance for procedurally independent tasks (e.g., baseball; Bloom, 1999). Overall, the current data indicate that team structure (hierarchy) affects team outcomes (performance) through team processes (cooperation and coordination). Thus, under certain conditions, hierarchical differentiation helps lead groups to victory.
The basic gist is this: when an NBA team has a few, highly paid players leading a group of lower-paid players, cooperation is at a high. And when players are on equal footing in terms of salary, cooperation tends to suffer. Baseball is singled out as being different because players aren't dependent on each other on the diamond like they are on the basketball court. The success of the 1990s Chicago Bulls relied significantly on Michael Jordan's ability to work with his teammates, but the 1994 Birmingham Barons didn't lose or gain anything based on Jordan's working relationship with the team's catcher.
"We view procedural interdependence as a critical factor that creates a need for hierarchy," Galinsky said in a release. "Thus, we predicted that hierarchy in the NBA would relate positively to team performance. This is in stark contrast to professional baseball, which is much more of an individual game requiring minimal team interdependence. Indeed, prior research on major league baseball found that pay disparities had a negative effect on on-field performance and revenues."
The group studied NBA teams between 1997 and 2007 and focused on pay dispersion, starting lineup dispersion and playing time dispersion in an effort to gauge hierarchy. Team performance was determined by winning percentage, but the authors also looked at other categories such as assists, turnovers, defensive rebounds and field-goal percentage.
Of the three types of dispersion the group studied, pay and starts had the greatest affect on the success of teams while playing time tended to be less important.
"Pay dispersion and starting lineup dispersion were significant predictors of increased intragroup coordination and cooperation, and enhanced the performance of professional basketball teams," lead author Halevy was quoted as saying in the release.
"People who get paid more may demand the status of starting and the prestige that results—starters receive elaborate introductions set to blaring music while getting high fives and chest bumps from teammates," Galinsky said. "Playing time is more tactical, depending on which players are contributing the most during a given game."
Of course, one doesn't have to look back too far back to find a situation where an NBA team with a very distinct financial hierarchy lost to more evenly paid squad. The Miami HEAT and Dallas Mavericks were two of the highest-paid teams in 2010-2011, but while the eventual champions included several players making over $7 million, the HEAT had just three—LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.
Obviously that's just cherry picking some data off the top and in no way disproves the study. The authors obtained 282 hierarchy and performance data points and 254 pay data points, so its safe to say their work is significantly broader than the tidbit in the previous paragraph.
The authors note that there is some weakness to their research as well. Using archived NBA statistics means we're looking at the work of only one gender (men) and that data can be open to interpretation. However the study is applicable to other areas of professional life, particularly where there is a high level of coordination and cooperation required. ("Because NBA teams spend so much time on issues of coordination and their performance is constantly visible, the current findings may apply most directly to other performance teams and intense work groups, such as the members of an orchestra or the cast of a play.")
It would be interesting to see what kind of reaction this study would get if it were thrown into the lockout negotiations. Would NBA owners be so reluctant to pay their stars staggeringly high salaries if they thought that was the key to winning a title and potentially securing a fan base for seasons to come? Conversely, would role players be paid significantly less if they're seen as mere accessories to the stars they play around?
Mayors Plea for NBA Sanity, Show Lack of Their Own
Being mayor isn't just about getting good seats at all the local parades. That's why 14 mayors from NBA cities have signed an open letter to Commissioner David Stern and players association executive director Billy Hunter, demanding an end to the current lockout, Jody Genessy of the Deseret News originally reported.
Drafted on The United States Conference of Mayors' letterhead, part of the message read, "NBA teams are a vital part of the economic and social fabric of our cities. Unfortunately, lost in the debate over the new NBA collective bargaining agreement has been the perspective of those very residents and the negative impact a cancelled season might have on them, our cities and our local economies.
"We know the issues being discussed between NBA owners and players are complex and need to be addressed to ensure the long-term well-being of the league," the letter continued. "We are not interested in taking a side."
The 14 mayors, who include former NBA All-Star and Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson, may have a point, but they also might be wasting their time. The owners and the players have undoubtedly been informed about some of the economic impact of the lockout. It's also clear that such information hasn't brought us any closer to a resolution.
If these cities really wanted to play hardball with the NBA, they wouldn't be lining up to build more arenas at taxpayer expense for a league that abandons them whenever a CBA expires. The NBA doesn't fear a strongly worded letter from City Hall—just ask Seattle.
Check out: Run TMC
It might be awhile before NBATV can show current players, but the lockout has forced the hand of the league's video archive department. The latest piece of filler is actually pretty promising.
"Run TMC: The Power of Three," which will begin running on Oct. 25 at 7:30 p.m. EST, tells the story of Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullin's time together with the Golden State Warriors in the early 1990s. Host Ahmad Rashad will revisit one of the highest-scoring offenses in league history and hopefully shed some light on why the trio was broken up after only two seasons.
And if you miss it once, just check the NBATV listings because it's sure to be rerun a few hundred times or so.
More Twitter: Make sure you are following all of our guys on Twitter to insure you are getting the very latest from our team: @stevekylerNBA, @AlexKennedyNBA, @jfleminghoops, @TheRocketGuy, @EricPincus, @joelbrigham, @alexraskinNYC, @TommyBeer and @YannisHW.
NBA Chats: If you are looking for the next NBA Chat, you can find them here: Upcoming NBA Chats


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JEDWARD ANNOUNCE A SECOND UK TOUR Wednesday 17th August
To celebrate the release of their second album, the nation's favourite twins today announce a SECOND UK TOUR.
Playing songs from their second album, VICTORY, and all the favourites from PLANET JEDWARD, the CARNIVAL TOUR will not disappoint fans of their high octane performances and insatiable energy.
CARNIVAL will visit the following venues:
Wed 30th: NEWCASTLE CITY HALL
Thu 1st: GLASGOW ROYAL CONCERT HALL
Fri 2nd: BLACKPOOL OPERA HOUSE
Sun 4th: BIRMINGHAM SYMPHONY HALL
Mon 5th: CARDIFF ST DAVIDS HALL
Tickets can be purchased from www.bookingsdirect.com (PH: 0844 338 0000) and venue box offices.
Tickets go on sale on Saturday 27th August at 9am
Comments (102)
I AM OVERLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!!!! thursday 1st December :) x
JLZxx 13:01pm, 17-08-11
Please will yous do another tour in Ireland?????
ciara/john:) 13:06pm, 17-08-11
yayyyyyyyyyy blackpool 2nd december, i'll be singing away with my daughter :-) xxx
mrsc 13:07pm, 17-08-11
please add one for edinburgh scotland :)
erica_jedward 13:12pm, 17-08-11
love you jedward
ellbell 13:21pm, 17-08-11
wish i could go D:
Leona_Jedward 13:26pm, 17-08-11
If this is all the dates i shall be throwing myself under a bus.
rachellelovesjedward 13:29pm, 17-08-11
Or, if there is not an ipswich date i shall yet again throw myself under a bus.
rachellelovesjedward 13:30pm, 17-08-11
What About London =:'(
JedwardetteJade 13:33pm, 17-08-11
CaseyGrimes 13:35pm, 17-08-11
shall i bok a hotel and go to Birmingham for a couple of nights or should i wait and see if they come closer to home..? decisions, decisions...
but then i suppose if i did wait and they didnt announe anything else i would be pretty close to suicidal (JK- but i would be gutted) but then if i got tickets and they came to Sheffield or somewere, what would i do..
HELP?! xxxxx
han_loves_jedwardx 13:35pm, 17-08-11
guys PLEASE don't tell this is all the dates?! none of these are close to where i live and i KNOW my mum and dad wouldn't take me to any of those shows. PLEASE COME BACK TO SOUTHEND-ON-SEA!! i'll finally get a chance to see you live then xxxxx =:'( )':=
Jepically_Jedicated_Fan 13:40pm, 17-08-11
I really hope there is a London date on the Saturday 3rd :)
welove_jedward 13:59pm, 17-08-11
WOOOOO!!!! 3rd ohh yeah ;D
MrschelsieGrimes 14:30pm, 17-08-11
I mean 4th ahah
MrschelsieGrimes 14:30pm, 17-08-11
wahoo! come further south though, or at least to london! it's not fair on us southern people! xoxoxoxoxoxo
mollay 14:37pm, 17-08-11
Oh, I have feeling the southerners have been left out.... Was really looking forward to going as well :( fingers crossed for more dates x x x
Victoria 14:39pm, 17-08-11
why can you not come to Belfast :( please do because we will miss you :( xx
imjededicated 14:55pm, 17-08-11
Please come back to Yorkshire!
Rooneyandme 15:04pm, 17-08-11
But please release more :')
ccaitwardd 16:11pm, 17-08-11
going 2 birmingham and cardiff so excited :) xxx
joedwardgrimes 16:20pm, 17-08-11
Guys, please release more dates, I would have gone to Birmingham but it's on a Sunday and I have school the next day:( PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ...
MillzzzGrimes<3 16:52pm, 17-08-11
i wanted NEEDED you to come to Plymouth :'(
ImaJedwardLover 16:55pm, 17-08-11
OMG!!! GLASGOW!!!!!!!!!!! SOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!xxxxxxxxx
Clairee_Jedward 16:58pm, 17-08-11
What the hell?? why are there none in the south? there's not even a London date.... hopefully after the pantomime they'll do some in the south and London.... Still lovin' Jedward tho xxxxxxx
Jedward911 17:18pm, 17-08-11
Literally just booked to go to Prague last friday - 1st-5th December! Am actually gutted! ADD MORE DATES! If John and Edward from the Past Can't get John and Edward from the future to! Pleeeeease! xx
nickjohnson12 17:18pm, 17-08-11
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ YOU HAVE TO DO A second GERMANY TOUR . ! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
IzzlShizzl 17:24pm, 17-08-11
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE add more dates? my mum/dad will never take me all the way to those places!! come to swindon? pleeeaaassseee??
pollyheartsjedward 17:29pm, 17-08-11
OMG i'm so excited. They're finally coming back to Newcastle. I really hope i meet them.
Bethany loves jedward 17:43pm, 17-08-11
El-Ward 17:53pm, 17-08-11
ahhh so cool! but pleaseeeeeeeee come to london i have to see you live!xxx
Jedwardrdabest 18:02pm, 17-08-11
do an other IRISH TOUR!! IRELAND IRELAND IRELAND IRELAND IRELAND IRELAND IRELAND IRELLAND! ...
jedwardrock 18:28pm, 17-08-11
I am ... guys!!!! :D will u come to LLandudno at all??? :D I may come to the Birmingham date.
I saw u in Lincoln and It was memorable and I REALLY want to meet u. xx
So proud of u both words can't describe how proud all of us fans are!!!1 U have definitely stole our hearts. xx
Hope I can see you. xx :D
Blanca. xx
Blanquita Rosa 18:35pm, 17-08-11
danielle 19:33pm, 17-08-11
What about Yorkshire!
Please come to manchester! :P xxxx
SophieDyson 19:52pm, 17-08-11
...But What About London... :'(
Sophia4Jedward 20:48pm, 17-08-11
what about ipswich?? or somewher in suffolk?? pls guys pls pls
Jedlexis 20:55pm, 17-08-11
i'm so travellin over 2 the UK 2 c ye dis time guys.Carnival tour was so cool in Ireland,so wanna go c it again in the UK.I am so startin 2 save like right now xx
kirstyG 22:06pm, 17-08-11
ahh i see u guys r doing 1 tour in glasgow :O , why is aberdeen not included ?:( i think u guys should come back to aberdeen pleaseeee :):)
chizzy 22:55pm, 17-08-11
Please come to BELGIUM!!!
Nastasi 00:50am, 18-08-11
Why is the UK tour so short?! I don't think I'll be able to come to any of these dates, the closest one to me is Blackpool, but that's still too far away! Please come to LIVERPOOL or MANCHESTER Jedward! I've been waiting to see you live for ages and now I won't be able to!
xxBasket_Casexx 00:57am, 18-08-11
You taking the @#$*!?. London dates? And southend! you went there last year and we met you! you said after that the concert was amazing! Oh and Ipswich! What the hell guys? This isnt a tour its a frigging day out. Sorry im not meaning to have a go but im completly annoyed :/
HOTDOGJEDWARD 10:10am, 18-08-11
+ Yay! Guys Carnival Is A Jepic tour + i Was There In Mayo Cuz i'm Irish! =:) Have Fun In Big Brother + GOD OUR LORD + SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST Will Protect You!
VanessaluvsJedward 10:55am, 18-08-11
@#$*! that. Lol. Seriously guys. That's not a UK tour. That's a @#$*!ing wander around the north.
JedwardHeroes 11:03am, 18-08-11
You've let a lot of people down.
JedwardHeroes 11:04am, 18-08-11
Thank you soooooooooooooooooo much for coming back to newcastle im soooo happy i am going to be there i will make it an early christmas present from me mam and dad
Marvellous Mee 11:17am, 18-08-11
btw what about the fans that south and can't make it up north? i'm not tryna be horrible but this was FINALLY gonna be my chance to see you guys live and this is probaly for some others fans that live down south, but some od us AGAIN won't be able to go coz we can't get to any of the dates...so yeah...=:''''(
Jepically_Jedicated_Fan 11:18am, 18-08-11
What about London!!!!!! D';
Its A Jedward Thing 11:25am, 18-08-11
Hey Guys!!! Since you are going to do One in Wales, How about doing one in LLANDUDNO. XX
I love the new design of the website, simply JEPIC!!
I travelled 5 hours to see u in Lincoln, how about I travel about 45 mins to see u in LLANDUDNO. There are fans On the Isle of Anglesey who can make it to LLANDUDNO but not cardiff. Cardiff is like 5 hours away but Birmimgham is fine as that's 2 and a half hours.
It would be lovely to see u in LLANDUDNO. XX
peace out. xx
Blanquita Rosa 13:31pm, 18-08-11
EEEEEEEP! NEWCASTLE CITY HALL :D :D :D :D :D :D :D much love for the JEDWARD lads :) xx
hanneryyy 15:11pm, 18-08-11
Please come to London. Does anyone know if more UK dates will be added?????
Rach 17:23pm, 18-08-11
This can't be all of the dates can it ?
i_love_jedward 17:29pm, 18-08-11
I love John & Edward so much!! I wish they will come a bit closer down south a bit more!! It's easier to travel over 2 Ireland than to get to some of these places!!! But coz of my jedication I will be making an appearance to a couple of the dates. I better start saving my pennies !! I can't wait, such a great early Christmas present!!! =:)
zzaapphhiill 18:51pm, 18-08-11
Hope u add more dates, please come to Norfolk or Suffolk :)
katy28 19:55pm, 18-08-11
Newcastle! First date aswell WOOP! Cant wait! I only just seen them yesterday and I met Edward! John did a runner.
Rachel02 20:14pm, 18-08-11
PLEASE! Add one for Manchester!!!!!
JedHeadBecky 22:31pm, 18-08-11
Please please pretty PLEASE come to Manchester, I'm begging you! I've been a massive fan of yours since X Factor and I've never had the chance to see you live! I've been watching clips of the tour on Youtube and it looks AMAZING, I so need to go! Plus my little sister is a big fan too and I said I'd take her to see you, please listen to fans like me who have done nothing but support you and give us just one date in Manchester, I can't wait another year to see you guys, I love you too much! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME TO MANCHESTER!!!! xxxx
xxBasket_Casexx 03:19am, 19-08-11
ahhhh just got my tickets I AM SOOOOOOO EXCITED GONNA BE AMAZING!!!
planetbeth 10:01am, 19-08-11
Plz do another tour in Ireland..In every county!! plz!! luv u guys! :D xx
kelleygrimes_xx 11:23am, 19-08-11
this was meant to be in april... u told us u were gunna be back in april at your november concert in southend essex...
Becca 12:12pm, 19-08-11
how cum you never come to birmingham?? xx or wolverhampton?
MISSGRIMES77 18:56pm, 19-08-11
oh thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo muxh for coming back to newcastle im soooo excited i cant wait to see you again its gonna be the best night of my life. GOOD LUCK IN BIG BROTHER I HOPE YOU WIN
Marvellous Mee 16:46pm, 20-08-11
Hey you guys i know you live in Ireland but please play in Belfast or Dublin cuz i rly rly wanna c yaz and i saw you in Belfast signing your Victory album WHICH IS CLASS !! just plzzzzz come to Belfast or Dublin
dearbzxox 10:30am, 22-08-11
please add a derby one?:(
AbbieMayGrimes 13:41pm, 22-08-11
Front row seats for the 30th, yessaiii, love you guys
abiic 22:28pm, 22-08-11
Cardıff ; I LOVE MY MUM!
GeorgıaGrımes 15:26pm, 23-08-11
GeorgıaGrımes 15:27pm, 23-08-11
GeorgıaGrımes 15:27pm, 23-08-11
These places are all so far away! Please do one in london!!!!!! :'(
lottewaxman 20:48pm, 24-08-11
Please, I'm BEGGING you to come to London?
Then at least I have a chance of coming, please please PLEASE the other places are too far + I really love you guys!? D: x
OutsetSeagull 21:51pm, 24-08-11
u are both tottally JEPIC in my school me and my freinds always sing ur songs and dance around and other people how dont like u think wer idoits , we always go in a cricle and dance arund going JEDWARD JEDWARD kinda like what we were doing when celtic won the scottish cup just now im listenign to ur song everyday superstar
erin2000starz 18:51pm, 25-08-11
i hope my mum will let me and my bro come and watch you 2 in cardiff. pppplllleeeeaaaasssseeee come back to bristol!!!!!
i got victory yesterday and i cant get my miss america out my head which is a good thing!!!!!
KerreraDude 16:28pm, 26-08-11
WEDNESDAY 30th COME AT MEEEEEE! SO EXCITED! :D
annameanee 23:25pm, 26-08-11
i am going cant wait ...
mollyjohn 20:31pm, 29-08-11
Me and my friends are so excited for Cardiff.....We will be at the front row A, in the middle.....We will be very close to Jedward.....It will be Jepic =:)
Dj Gurj 11:19am, 30-08-11
Please come to Finland !!!!! Me and my friend, we have been waiting for u guys.... And we'r still waiting ; ));
♥JeDwArD♥ 13:50pm, 30-08-11
Me Thinks You Need To Release Some More Dates And Come To Aylesbury Again? It Would Be Jepic !!
Otherwise I Will Miss Out :'(
Love You. =:) =:)
aliiiceee24 16:40pm, 30-08-11
daralovesjedward 11:17am, 31-08-11
come to Bristol or plymouth please..? xxxxxx
DanaaloovesJedward4evaar<3 15:56pm, 31-08-11
4th bermingham i might go wit SIS
storme 21:28pm, 31-08-11
BELFAST AND IRELAND LOVE YOUUU , but im going to all them except blackpool ,,,,
chloe grimes 20:16pm, 01-09-11
pleassssssse do 1 in belfast
ilovejedward123 11:14am, 03-09-11
You are the best . I have been watching you on big brother and you are so funny i wish you could come to the uk more often. Im aloud to go see anyone who i like in concert for my birthday and i picked you so i cant wait :)
Erin4jedward 11:27am, 03-09-11
Oh guys come to essex!!! you mite be able to see Amy again :) COME TO ESSEX IT TOTALLY ROCKS!!!!!!! love ya x
jedwardbabyx 12:08pm, 03-09-11
erin2000starz 11:32am, 04-09-11
Plz come back to Belfast i was in Germany when you were here :( sad
CaitlintheJeddy 12:28pm, 04-09-11
Come to London please , I was so exsited to see another tour, don't take that away from me ;( I love you jedward
Jedward 20:58pm, 05-09-11
Love you guys in the bigbro house, if u were not in it I would not watch it, when your not on the screen it's boring. Jedward to win!
Jedward 21:03pm, 05-09-11
No offence but how the hell can you guys do a Uk tour and now come to london!!!???
Perli 16:57pm, 06-09-11
Come to Dundee!!! yous were great last year!
MeganLovesJedwardXOXO 16:06pm, 07-09-11
Youe just goning to have to add more dates to the tour ... Nottingham especially!!
pippa 18:26pm, 08-09-11
Nottingham Arena is a big venue ... please come to Nottingham!!
pippa 18:27pm, 08-09-11
Bring some Planet Jedward CrAzInEsS To Nottingham pleeese !!!!!!
HannahMarieOx 18:15pm, 09-09-11
Bring some JEDWARD CrAzInEsS to IRLAND,
Weeee LOveeee YOuuu Soooo MUchhhh xxxxxx
jedwardgirl 07:38am, 11-09-11
Im totally comming to one of your shows if it kills me! Its gonna be too Jawesomely Jepic to miss!!
Love you John your sooo cool!!! Love you Edward your sooo cute!!!!
dinosawr 11:39am, 11-09-11
Hey Jedward! Could please let me know when u are coming 2 Northern Ireland?
Thanks a million!
Love form Rachael Graham =:) ...
i love jedward 19:36pm, 11-09-11
I wana go to the newcastle show but no one will come with me :'(
JadeHowardSucks 19:45pm, 11-09-11
I really want to go to one of your shows =:D time to be very very nice to my mam i think lol :D
Jedicted_97xx 07:34am, 12-09-11
I might be coming 2 one of ur shows and tht woud b well jepic!!
Jedward4ever 18:48pm, 07-11-11
i mite c u at newcastle
Jedward4ever 18:49pm, 07-11-11
i cant wait till i come to see you in blackpool it will be ...
GrimesTwins 21:43pm, 09-11-11
flynn is so excited hes ready to rock with you john and edward yayyyyyyyyyyy xx tonight at birmingham xx
myboys 08:31am, 04-12-11
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text:
Fluoride in drinking water � credited with dramatically cutting cavities and tooth decay � may now be too much of a good thing. Getting too much of it causes spots on some kids' teeth.
Exchanging milk = evil. Deadly vaccines = good. - FDA Goon
Maybe they don't want to die.
Just take your damn vaccine!
Come take your mercury laced IQ reduction! Support the troops!
"I guess we wound up saving about 50-thousand dollars a year in the production of our water, and we're a small system so 50-thousand dollars a year is a big
Vaccines are not a requirement to attend public school, every school has a waiver form, you just have to be stern about asking for it because they're instructed to lie about it. Here is some info on it.
There is a massive amount of hormone disruptors in our food supply.
10 months and 300,000 views later...
Don't worry, they say it's a risk worth taking!
See below where I posted the article calling for these vaccines to be mandatory, two days later they come out and declare it a pandemic! - Chris


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Fountain Cottage & Poachers Cottage
Search availability for Fountain Cottage & Poachers Cottage and book online
Book through GoLakes | DEC 14-20 |
21-27 |
28-3 |
11-17 |
18-24 |
25-31 |
8-14 |
Price Per |
SB | £580 | X | X | £320 | £320 | £320 | SB | £360 | unit | Possible short break |
£350 | £680 | X | £350 | £350 | £350 | £350 | SB | £410 | unit | Book |
Availability updated on 13 Dec 13 at 16:10
17 High Hill
Contact Details
Bannest Hill Holidays
Bannest Hill House
Haltcliff, Hesket Newmarket
Tel 01768 484394
Fax 01768 484394
Fountain and Poachers are 2, 4 star holiday cottages in the famous marketing town of Keswick. Along with private parking, each cottage is owner maintained, well equipped, non smoking, within walking distance of Keswick and accepts pets subject to our terms & conditions - 1 animal allowed in each property.
Fountain Cottage is situated by the River Greta with lovely fell views.
The comfortable spacious accommodation has double, family and twin bedrooms with a recently fully-fitted kitchen containing large fridge/freezer, washer dryer and electric oven and hob. There is a dining area and a cosy lounge recently overhauled to a high standard with traditional flooring and rugs. From the upper windows there are views of Skiddaw from the front and a superb panoramic view out to Catbells from the rear.
Poachers Cottage is close to the river and park. Situated by the Pheasant Inn in Crosthwaite on the outskirts of Keswick. With a newly, fully-fitted kitchen, comfortable lounge with dining area, 2 bedrooms and bathroom with shower.
Poachers Cottage was built by Faudler's Brewery in the late 1800's. A pleasant walk through the park and over the river Greta takes you to the centre of Keswick.
Both cottages offer ideal accommodation for families or couples.
We are open throughout the year and accept bookings on both a weekly and short break basis. Special reductions are offered for fortnightly bookings, smaller parties, and for repeat bookings.
For further details see
Mountain views, close to River Greta, recently upgraded 3 bedrooms, double, twin and family, private parking for 1 car, traditional white-rendered cottage. Central heating and double glazing. Personally maintained and welcomed by the owners. Children welcome from any age.
see location on Google maps. Map reference: NY 261239 Lat: 54.60485 Long: -3.14553
From M6 jct 40 follow A66 towards Keswick. Exit at Crosthwaite roundabout after by pass. At junction High Hill turn left, cottage almost opposite with parking at rear.
- Private parking
- Visa/Mastercard/Switch accepted
- Dogs/pets accepted by arrangement
- Children welcome
- Cots available
- High chairs available
- Freezer
- Microwave cooker
- Washing machine
- Ironing facilities
- Drying facilities
- Hairdryer
- Television
- CD player
- Radio
- Central heating
Mountain views, close to River Greta, recently upgraded 3 bedrooms, double, twin and family, private parking for 1 car, traditional white-rendered cottage. Central heating and double glazing. Personally maintained and welcomed by the owners. Children welcome from any age.
Self-assessed accessibility details
- Parking space provided
- Within 50 metres approx. of entrance
- Surface of the car park and pathway leading to entrance:
- Solid ie tarmac / concrete etc
- Route from the parking area to the entrance:
- Flat (i.e. without steps)
- Entrance is well lit
- Level access (no steps/thresholds) or access by ramp or lift to:
- Lounge
- Kitchen
- Dining room
- Outdoor facilities
garden, yard
- Good contrast between the floor and walls
Bed/ Bathrooms
- Bathrooms available with:
- Bath with shower
- Guest information available in large print (14pt and over)


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You don't pay for tutoring unless you find a good fit!
Hello,Tutoring can be a lot of fun! It is not your punishment or another hour studying what you hate and extra homework. Tutoring makes you realize your current struggles are just a bump in your way to academic success. As your tutor, I will help you discover that learning can be fun when you have someone who listens and takes into consideration your needs and interests. Visual effects, presentations, use of authentic materials, communicative games, and hands-on activities are among my preferable methods of instructional support. I am a native speaker of Polish with a master's degree from Widener University. I have more than eight years of experience teaching English as a Second Language to different age groups with a variety of cultural backgrounds. In addition, I am responsible for curriculum development at my current position. Talk to you soon my future student,Ewelina :-)
I believe that one never stops learning vocabulary since English is such an active language. Learning and practicing vocabulary can be fun. I use a variety of techniques such as flashcards and games to help students remember the new words. I try to incorporate as much technology as possible into my lessons to make them more fun and student friendly.
Grammar can be tricky. However, you will discover that it is not as bad as you think with my help and various activities that I will prepare for you. I teach two hours of grammar every day at my current position.
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I have been teaching ESL since 2004. It is my passion and career. I constantly look for ways to improve and take advantages of seminars and conferences available for professionals in the field.
I know how hard it is to find errors in your paper if you have read it many times. Let me read your paper and use my knowledge and experience to give you valuable comments. I read about 10-15 papers every week.
I have prepared ten students to take TOEFL exam.
I was born in Poland, and I speak, read, and write in Polish fluently. I have a teaching degree, and I have experience translating documents from English to Polish and Polish to English.
I work at an institution that prepares international students for American colleges and universities. One of my responsibilities as an academic coordinator is to help students choose the best institution and major, prepare all necessary documents, and communicate with the admission offices. In addition, courses that I took as a graduate student such as Adolescent Psychology and School Law have prepared me to better serve students as their counselor.
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Send Ewelina a message explaining your needs and you will receive a response by email.
If selected, WyzAnt will ask interested tutors to contact you by email if they are able to help. A maximum of five different tutors will email you and none of your personal information, including your email address, will be released.
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Save between 5 and 15% on tutoring by purchasing credit with one of our prepaid discount packages. You can buy one of our standard 5, 10 or 15% packages or customize your own package based on how much tutoring you need. The credit you purchase can be used towards any tutor at any time and does not expire. If you do not use the entire package, we will simply deduct what you did spend on tutoring from your original purchase price and give you a refund. Discount packages start as low as $190.
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Ewelina C. passed a background check on 03/11/2013. The check was ordered by Ewelina through First Advantage. For more information, please review the background check information page.
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text:
Open House, Open Labs
Spring Semester, 2014
The e-Learning Center invites you to an open house in our offices (Gammage, 3rd Floor) on Friday, January 10th, 2014, from 11:00 am to 2:00 pm. Refreshments will be served.
Open labs will be 9:00-11:00 am and 1:00-3:00 pm every weekday from Fri, Jan. 10 - Fri, Jan. 17. Bring your technology questions, sit down for some one-on-one support.


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Synopsis: Filmmaker Jean Renoir (1894-1979) had an extremely long career writing, directing, producing and acting in films, beginning in the silent era, right up until the time of his death, when most of his productions were influenced by the medium of television. He was one of the sons of the famous Impressionist painter August Renoir. This two part documen... Continue Reading
Starring: Bernardo Bertolucci, Peter Bogdanovich, Leslie Caron, Bertrand Tavernier


text:
As you're probably aware, CGE Services releases several new games at the Expo each year. These aren't homebrews but instead games that were either never completed "in the day" or were completed and simply abandoned. Last year, they released 20th Century Fox' "Rumor Mill" titles Pick-Up and Save the Whales, Atari's Crack'ed, and the Vectrex game Cube Quest.
Earlier in the year, CGE Services announced another Fox vaporware product to be finally made available at this year's show, Entity (you can see details of the game at http://www.digitpress.com/archives/cc_entity.htm). There are two more to be announced.
LATER TODAY, one of those games will be announced. Here's your chance to win it outright.
BE THE FIRST person to name the game in this thread, and it's yours. You can only guess ONCE. A winner will not be announced until later tonight when the game is officially unveiled.
- It's an Atari 2600 Game.
- It's NOT by Fox.
- It IS in the Digital Press Collector's Guide Rumor Mill section.
START GUESSING! Remember, you only get ONE GUESS.


text:
20 CFR Part 671 - NATIONAL EMERGENCY GRANTS FOR DISLOCATED WORKERS
- § 671.100 — What is the purpose of national emergency grants under WIA section 173?
- § 671.105 — What funds are available for national emergency grants?
- § 671.110 — What are major economic dislocations or other events which may qualify for a national emergency grant?
- § 671.120 — Who is eligible to apply for national emergency grants?
- § 671.125 — What are the requirements for submitting applications for national emergency grants?
- § 671.130 — When should applications for national emergency grants be submitted to the Department?
- § 671.140 — What are the allowable activities and what dislocated workers may be served under national emergency grants?
- § 671.150 — How do statutory and workflex waivers apply to national emergency grants?
- § 671.160 — What rapid response activities are required before a national emergency grant application is submitted?
- § 671.170 — What are the program and administrative requirements that apply to national emergency grants?
Sec. 506(c), Pub. L. 105-220; 20 U.S.C. 9276(c).
65 FR 49460, Aug. 11, 2000, unless otherwise noted.
Title 20 published on 2012-04-01
no entries appear in the Federal Register after this date.
This is a list of United States Code sections, Statutes at Large, Public Laws, and Presidential Documents, which provide rulemaking authority for this CFR Part.
This list is taken from the Parallel Table of Authorities and Rules provided by GPO [Government Printing Office].
It is not guaranteed to be accurate or up-to-date, though we do refresh the database weekly. More limitations on accuracy are described at the GPO site.