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CommentsOhmygod,dejavu! -AmazingKreskin Not necessarily. I run with caps lock on 90% of the time when I'm doing drafting - construction drawings just don't look right with correct capitalization, with the limited exception of notes. -Transkaren test -dadtaxi So our fault reporting/management application have some field which you fill in in lowercase but it converts to UPPERCASE for your viewing enjoyment, others which MUST be filled in in UPPERCASE. Cosidering the customer has oversight to the jobs is it any wonder that some of the comments are done in uppercase . So when the customer complains that the engineer is 'shouting' at them does the managment 1) Adjust the fields/filtering for lowercase or 2) shout at the engineers every time it has happened over the last 15 years ? Answers on a postcard only -dadtaxi
CommentsWHAT IF THEY KNOW THAT BUT THEIR "SHIFT" KEY IS STUCK? -JH CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE. ALL THE TIME.</louis vs rick> -AmazingKreskin I LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE! SHE HAS ENORMOUS LIPS! -Harm BUT CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL! -docbrown01 BUT GREEN MEANS GO SO I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE WRONG IT'S GOT TO STAY ON. -virtualchoirboy http://bash.org/?835030 -Cyan caps lock = cruise control for cool! OMGWTFBBQ!!! -objekt404 EVEN WITH CAPS LOCK YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER -DarkRookie
CommentsAnd from the positive side of examples from science-fiction: http://www.forbes.com/sites/alexknapp/2012/03/05/five-leadership-lessons-from-james-t-kirk/ -MisterCommon
CommentsThat's not how it's always been? -ravensentinel ..."Next!" -stiffarm I'm lookin' for work - need an assistant? I recently got my A+, finally... -figglywig hey riff- going to BWBBQ? -HappyCrappy
CommentsYup, there is a restriction on the NIC. the retriction being that it has to have a working network jack to plug into. The restriction will be lifted when the cabler arrives. -McSmiley Why does your department put up with shenanigans like this? I understand you work in public sector, but still, you would think maybe management can just ban him from talking to IT at all? -boxcar Unfortunately, boxcar, that is one genie they can't put back in the bottle. The Helldesk number is public knowledge, and the helldesk workers have to log EVERY call they receive. I don't envy them sometimes. -skippytpodar Just about time to Wile E. Coyote this cat, since he's a genius and all... -PTSTech Maybe he just needs a 'special' mailbox number. -LDFeral I'd LART his ass back to the paleolithic. -virusjtg Give him a can of Silly String to play with. He'll be dead in half an hour, probably from choking. -MeanDean Recommend POF until condition improves. -clockkingfl
CommentsI do that to a co-worker all the time. My weapons? Broadway plays and novelty songs. Alan Sherman and Tom Lehrer are good for that. -VoiceOfSanity Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... -VIPERsssss .. and if they are anything like my wife.. they sing the incorrect words to the siong.. or start making them up (persinal pet peeve) -Harm ........banana phone..... -burrkiss badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger... -Harm I'm a lumberjack and i'm okay........ -MarloVino I see things, I see them with my eyes, I see things, they're often in disguise... -chazz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuyS9M8T03A ( George Clinton - Atomic Dog. ) Nuff said :P -Necros VoS - just try doing that with me, I grew up with "Al and Yetta," "Harvey and Sheila" and "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park!" -Captain Trips Captain Tripps - "It was Automation, I know..." "Headaches, Headaches/Aspirin commercials give me headaches..." "I see bones/I see gizzards and bones/and a few kidney stones/amidst the lovely bones!" -VoiceOfSanity So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts..... -Stryker One "We're fahren, fahren, fahren auf der autobahn" /kraftwerk -AngrySup http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ob=av3n -Gerund AAAAAND we will all go together when we go. What a comforting thought that is to know. Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement. Yes, we will all go together when we go -PoglaTheGrate this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because .... -unrenowned I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves. </Joe Pasquale> -lineswine @lineswine, his voice is annoying enough. Although I think I will have to play some Tom Lehrer tonight. Mainly because I've been requested... not to. -TaliPhoenix
CommentsWhen I worked at Chase, the secretaries of the VPs were utter bitchcunts from hell. Oddly enough, the VPs for which they worked invariably turned out to be rather pleasant individuals, once you actually got to meet them in person (I suppose not having the threat of being fired hanging over you while you talk to someone will tend to make them seem less intimidating). -AmazingKreskin Often the VPs can afford to be nice because their secretaries are the hardliners for them. I was very lucky when I worked for PNC, as most if not all of the AA's and boss-types I came into contact with were nice. (It may have helped that I kept a large jar of candy on my desk at all times...) -AnneBWalsh My first thoughts were that this would be a NT/OT story about how the director got in touch with his piercest. -Aelin236 Document, document, document. Oh, and, "piercest"? -Stryker One @Stryker- do a Google image search for Prince Albert. :) You'll understand the comment. -Aelin236
CommentsIt means we need to monitor you for your own safety. -Stryker One It also means we get to laugh at you just as hard when you have the same response to your auto mechanic telling you your points need to be adjusted. -Vulpis
CommentsWarning: This customer type has been known to instantly turn into a raging thundercunt upon realizing that you CAN'T in fact fix the computer in question, due to it being on fire and out of warranty. It's a pendulum: the nicer they are at the start, the quicker they turn on you. -AmazingKreskin AmazingKreskin beat me to it. -Divinar This customer type is also invariably what the person who pays your paycheck is, so you're boned in any case.. -Vulpis
CommentsIn a healthcare company, you can't believe how many people cannot understand the concept of triage. -TechieSidhe Actually, skippy, you WOULD understand..tee hee... -TechieSidhe
CommentsDocument it! Better still, cc: his boss on it....that'll teach him! -CTYankee Document, document, document! -AmazingKreskin We, all of us, know Rule 1. :( -LDFeral Whenever I get stopped in the hallway, I always open a ticket when I get back to my desk. So I close it right away, big deal - but that way I've documented it and covered my ass as much as possible. -Captain Trips I just had a call like this too, she claimed the called the helldesk over the weekend and that they emailed me. Yes sure you did, because the helldesk sure forgot to open that case and send me an email:-D -shadedworld
CommentsIt won't go. -AmazingKreskin Its not turning up!!! -DarkRookie A variant of the Pakled. "We look for things. Things to make us go. It does not go. We are not smart. Can you make it go?" -chazz The printer doesn't. -Holdfast I once had a (l)user state "the third icon doesn't do what it used to do". -MisterCommon I just had another one, first thing in the morning. "My screen doesn't work". It wasn't a monitor problem, it was a power problem. Namely, an on-switch-not-being-pressed problem. Way to set the mood for the rest of the day. :| -K MisterCommon's comment just got me thinking- Think about all of the chaos you could cause by moving their icons. Not deleting any. Just simply moving them around on their desktop. A lot of them would have full melt-downs! -Voz I wonder how often you get converts to this from the Over-Explainer type due to them getting tired of being complained at... -Vulpis
CommentsSounds like my dad. To him, something as simple as printing a document is at minimum, a 7-10 step ordeal that he must write down in excruciating detail. -skippytpodar The problem with this one is that they'll describe everything in excruciating detail, *except the one crucial piece of information that you actually need*. -AmazingKreskin aaaand the hourglass flipped over again....aaaand the hourglass... -SaladOfDoom Ye Gods! Not the flipping hourglass! Eris preserve us! -LDFeral I'm guilty, but not to that level on PCs. On a cable modem / router / etc, I give the full startup sequence because *I* don't know what's important, and it might provide a quick solution to the expert on the other end of the call. -CTYankee Ok, I am guilty of this when working with a tech on a problem, not to such a micro-managing degree, so that they will be aware of the stage of progress and also if anything appears out of the ordinary. I DO try to keep it reasonable. Too many times I have had to ask a SF what their computer is doing after several minutes of silence on their end. "Oh, I've been at the login screen waiting for you to tell me what to do next!" -ecoli I gotta say I'm running with CTY and ecoli- if I'm working on an issue with a tech on the line, I'll give them enough to know how my progress is coming along, though I won't go into the question of exactly how many RPMs the hourglass is maintaining! -Voz Well sure, if the computer was experiencing some problem during boot up, I -would- want to know what stages it made it through. But... it wasn't. The user just needed to reboot for a software issue. -Mer Double demerit points when they do this while you are in a remote support session with them. -Bloke
It's amazing how some customers, upon being told that they have options A, B, and C, will decide that Z will solve their problem. BG: This customer bought something (camera?) and had reservations about the purchase. In this situation, rather than acting like a saledrone and promising that the product would lower his cholesterol, align the planets, get him laid, and remove grout stains... I outlined would be involved if he had an issue. I explained our return policy. I explained how exchanges work. I explained the benefits of the manufacturer's warranty. I explained what additional coverage could be added. I outlined typical issues with the unit (both hardware failure and ID10T stuff). In short, I very professionally (and even cheerfully) told him what was involved in solving any issues he'd have, depending on when the issue occurred and what it was.
His response? "Well, I tell you what! If it don't work, I'm gonna be back here bitching!!!"
CommentsSound goes in one side of the starfish's head, comes out on the other side, and merely vibrates the three operational brain cells within the vast emptiness of his head. It's the only explanation. -VoiceOfSanity This sounds like about 30 percent of my customers... -udoshan @udoshan- ONLY 30%? -Aelin236 He may be a starfish, but he's amazingly honest and self aware. -mtuck You should've said "Actually, we have a toll free bitch hotline for your convenience" and hand him all the warrenty numbers associated with the various plans involved with the Camera (Manufacturer's Warranty #, additional coverage #, the company who makes the camera's #, the # for the US Embassy in the country where the camera is made, etc.) -K
CommentsThrottle the bandwidth for their users down to 1kbps. Allow the LART to set in for a few weeks. -virusjtg I would turn that last part into a flat "no". no ambiguity or wiggle room. You want something? no! -gashach Another case of the left nut not caring what the right nut knows... -unrenowned Its always those "sister" departments that handle "quasi-IT" things that seem to think they have an "in". Easy way to deal with them is to set a standard and stick to it. Force them to use the ticketing system or they receive no service. Its easy to "forget" a queue jumped sidebar conversation, no? -K
CommentsEntitlement-laden fucknugget--the downfall of modern mankind. And their name is Gimme-Gimme. -vacuumtubes And Manglement usually makes us bend over backwards to keep em happy. -ChildofCthulhu I work for lawyers...enough said. -Starfury I deal with this every. single. day. Effing entitled bosses who think I should be able to do everything for them including, apparently, wipe their little butts... -AnneBWalsh Anne B - in th corporate environment, the less you can do, the more they pay you! -lineswine Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, but actually, management is concerned about the health of all of its employees and we're moving that printer for YOUR benefit! http://www.npr.org/2011/04/25/135575490/sitting-all-day-worse-for-you-than-you-might-think http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-492543/Sitting-desk-day-bad-health-smoking.html -TechMama
CommentsAs a devil's advocate, maybe he was hoping to get a quick transfer since he didn't actually need you to answer questions etc.? -Calydor Asking someone 'Could you hold please?' Does imply that it's optional - admittedly he still should have said 'No, I can't, I don't have time' or somehting before continuing the conversation -Shaede
This is the customer who repeatedly asks you questions, despite the fact that you've made it clear you can't answer them. It seems I run into a few of these no matter what my job is, or who my employer is.
"Hi, I'd like to sign up for $event."
"Great. Let me introduce you to Diane, she's the one who can help you with that."
"Do you know what time I'd have to be there?"
"No, Ma'am. I'm just a computer tech, I don't handle that stuff. Diane does, and her office is over here..."
"I can't do it if it'll be after seven. Do you think it'll be after seven?"
"I really wouldn't know. I don't do any of the scheduling, I just fix computers. Normally, I don't even work in this building. Diane is the one you should be asking. Now, it seems she's not in her office, let me get her on the phone."
"How much does it cost? Will you take a check?"
"I honestly have no idea. Diane handles all that. I just talked to her, she'll be here in barely ten minutes. Why don't you have a seat here, as soon as she's in she can answer any of your questions."
"What sort of forms do I need to fill out."
"Just hold tight, Ma'am. Diane will be able to answer any of your questions when she gets here."
CommentsLook link, just sign me up for the event and stop dodging my questions or I will report you to your boss. -burrkiss @linkv you are doing it wrong; the correct response is, "Let me connect you with Diane, please hold" then SLAM that hold line button like your sanity depended on it. Oh wait... It does! -unrenowned Looks like someone failed the Turing test. -McSmiley @unrenowned - From linkv's description, this was face-to-face. No way to transfer her to Mr. Dialtone. -RDMcMains RD: You can answer him though. -DarkRookie That is when you just assume the blank look like george lopez and just stare through the customer. Until Dianne arrives. -deedadee I just walk away...but I am an asshole so...yeah... -0gr3 @RD - There is also an "in person" hold button; we call it Otis! -unrenowned "You are Mr. Poopiehead! That'll definitely make them go to see Dine, especially if you tell them she's "Director of customer Service" or some other made-up name. -lineswine They all should talk to Dianne, but their queries all were mountin', and their iqs all were falling like an avalanche, comming down the mountain -PoglaTheGrate
This is the customer who is very up-front about the fact that they've spent as little time as is humanly possible away from computers. They don't know how to use 'em, they don't know nuffin' about 'em, they gots no interest in them, they don't know what they do, and they don't want anything to do with 'em. There are lots of people with this attitude, and although most of them are middle-aged/elderly, don't kid yourselves... plenty of people in their 20s and 30s have the same attitude.
...And yet, after going on their little tirade in which they actually BOAST about their complete lack of computer knowledge, they'll say with total conviction that they KNOW "all the important computer parts are in the keyboard and screen" and you must be some kind of simpleton for not recognizing this basic fact.
CommentsI WISH I was in that situation, I hate computers. But they keep a roof over my head... -Captain Trips I love computers. I hate the idiots using them. -DarkRookie Computers? They'll never catch on! -Holdfast "Remember when someone literally had to be a rocket scientist to use a computer?" -MisterCommon Make them a bet they're wrong, then walk off with their box, since it's useless. The bet should be FOR the box (since they're convinced it's useless, they'll jump on proving you wrong and making you give up something, even if it's worthless to them.) -CTYankee Dunning-Kruger effect - the less you know, the more you think you know. -thx1138
CommentsYour new computer has a 2GB hard drive? -linuxmatt a pentium 200? -Harm Do you tell her that your a seamstress? -burrkiss That is what I asked her, then informed her that was impossible. -OldScratch
CommentsDear Mr. Southend Northmule, .... :-) -virtualchoirboy "What's your name?" "He's an asshole, sir." "I know that, but what's his NAME?" "Asshole, sir. Corporal Asshole." ... "I'm surrounded by Assholes!" -Captain Trips "Keep firing, Assholes!" </Spaceballs> -GrizzledBear
CommentsProves once again - those that can, do. Those that can't become General Managers. -Gromit Management is supposed to keep the workers in the Dark... - But not keep themselves in the dark as well.. :-) - -Wonko The Sane Double tap. Remember, always a double tap. -formatCdrive Heh, sounds like a t-shirt I saw... "How to drop 250 lbs... squeeze once, for 250 and over, double tap" -Spyder19
CommentsIt always amazed me how many wrong numbers I'd get back when I was working for CV, especially considering that in order to get to my department, they'd had to have sat through at least 10 minutes worth of IVR menus and recorded ads proudly proclaiming the name of the company. -AmazingKreskin You presume they listen, rather than hitting buttons until 'they can talk to a real person,' and even then sometimes... -LDFeral I get some weird ones here at our home phone number. Ones where I have no freakin clue how they dialed *that* wrong. Our number ends in -6942. And I've had multiple people call who, when i answer with our last name, go "Huh? I think I might have the wrong number. Is this xxx-xxx-7000?" How on EARTH do you mean to dial 7000 and end up hitting four separate numbers, none of which are even one of the two you wanted in the first place? It'd be fine if it was just one person. But this is at least 1 person a month, for the last 6 months. And they were all trying to call the same -7000 number as far as I can tell..... -noongsaao
Look, you festering pile of rarified gas, I'm not stupid. And put my bootable linux cd down! And it's not funny that you then reach over my shoulders and start randomly punching buttons on your keyboard. I know it's yours, but I'm trying to fix it.
Do you want it fixed, or do you want it delivered back to you via your kitchen window? I thought not.
Now, I'm going to go destress.
CommentsDestress, a good word. However, I've been watching Spooks (MI-5) and they have a great word: "Disincentivised". This is what they call it when they blow the bad guys brains out with a sniper rifle. -Stryker One That's just television...we call it "sanctioned". -lineswine
CommentsI have a friend named Kenny Rogers. People are always asking him to sing or if Dolly Partons breasts are real. -ecoli Let's see, during my time at the hell desk, I talked to Johnny Walker, Bill "call me Billy" Gates, the real Don (Miami Vice, Nash Bridges) Johnson, and the real O.J.Simpson (between his times in jail). -LordObsidian There's an employee of a Toyota dealership near Fort Knox who bears the name "Bryan Adams". -DukeOfURL There's an employee of a local Costco named Porn. -Stryker One We have a Miss Moneypenny. -Phylok I recently had a fellow IT support tech work with me. His name was Michael Jordan. No he didn't play basketball :) -jp I live and work in Monte-Carlo... Most of the time, if the name rings a bell it IS that guy, or gal... :) -NINJAMC A guy who used to work with me. His name was Michael Jordan. Nope he didn't play basketball. -jp Call me crazy, but every Michael Jackson (4) I've had the ^hpleasure of working with comes off as creepy... -daeglo
CommentsAs with every "used to work before" person I run into, I use the light bulb comparison. And I quote myself "Do you say that when the light bulb burns out?" -RoadDemon The ultimate "it used to work before" customer will refuse to listen to any logicil statement. They will brush it off and state taht you are clearly not listening. thiis is not your fathers "it used to work before" customer. It is some kind of new t-1000 model from the future. -putahtek To them I say, "Yes it used to work before, that is why you are talking me now. Because it doesnt work now." -OldScratch This is similar to the "I didn't do anything!" type. If you didn't do anything, then it should still be working, right? So what didn't you do to it, and why did you do it anyway? -VoiceOfSanity Ah this just drives me nuts. All the while, you're trying to find out what may have caused the issue, you get that comeback "it used to work before.." Before what ?! what did you do to it !!! -GX5000
CommentsWait until you tell him no. Be sure to put plastic on the walls. -OldScratch One reason this guy doesn't get attention is because he think's he's so important, he encrypts and keeps everything!!! Everything!! -ravensentinel Been there, done that, got the tentacle hickeys. Mine was an engineer whose spot on the schedule was like two months out, but he'd drop by every day to see what the status was. Eventually the manager got annoyed enough.. and you guessed it, he got pushed to the top of the list. -VoiceOfSanity sorry, delay of upgrade, -McSmiley @VoiceOfInsanity....I get the feeling that is what is gonna happen. He is a dept manager for another dept. Either way, I am hopeing that my delay in putting in his system will prove my need for extra support. -ravensentinel
CommentsChaff, harvest? NO TIME! Get to the choppa! -LDFeral One of my callers is Japanese and speaks excellent English...but VERY fast. Machine gun fast. -Starfury Heywhat'syourproblemwhycan'tyoukeepwhat'swrongwithyoumaybeyouneedsomemorecaffine. -Stryker One IfeelfantasticndIneverfeltasgoodashowIdo rightnowceptformaybewhenIthinkofhowIfelt thatdaywhenIfeltthewaythatIdorightnowrightnowrightnow. -Seamus Missed a couple of spaces. Damned laptop keyboard. :) -Seamus Peed skills, uh, keed spills, uh seed pilks, uh...oh, yeah, speek dills! </F. Freddy Freakowtsky) -Captain Trips [Twitchy falls from sky] The Wolf: Twitchy! You scared me! Twitchy: [speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep? The Wolf: Twitchy, you gotta calm down. Twitchy: [continues speaking quickly] I got up early and I got the gear I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood. The Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went? Twitchy: She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes. She's like lalalalalalalalalala... The Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. we gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera? Twitchy: The 220x and a photograb with autofocus. Ooo, look at that - come with a 500 millimeter lens. You want the color or black and white? The Wolf: Doesn't matter. Twitchy: I brought a flash! [takes a picture] The Wolf: Will you put that away? It's covert. No flash! Twitchy: [takes the flash off] Undercover, got it. Mmm-hm. Nobody sees, nobody knows. Click-click, heh heh! [grins] The Wolf: [stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee? Twitchy: Oh, I don't drink coffee! -MadJack I missed this when first posted, but... They must've been trained for lincoln-douglas debates. Pile on so much info in the ninety seconds you have to make your argument that you essentially verbally bury your opponent in paperwork. It was only through having used Jaws at speeds that other kids envy that I could even marginally understand them. -AdmiralLaurie
CommentsFor that person's boss whom is out of the office with the laptop which is having the issue. -ChildofCthulhu There are times this is good, especially when a clinic employee is calling to warn us that managerzilla will be calling to gripe about an issue. The heads up gives us time to figure out a unified response to her. -TechieSidhe
CommentsNow that is when I send an email to her boss, with copies to everyone else (including chief of staff) repeating her "waste of time" comments, her frustration with waiting for approval, and politely ask if and when approval will be given. -Ramblin "Hey, you want a MacBook Air, you can have a MacBook Air. Just go out and buy it. If you think we should pay for it, then you have to take that up with your boss, mu boss, your boss's boss, my boss's boss, their boss's bosses, the government, and everyone else short of God. Now, even if you buy it on your own, you still won't be able to connect it to our networks, but if you want to talk to your boss, my boss..." -Voz Give her a thwap to the face and tell her AL sends her warmest regards. -AdmiralLaurie Our docs do this when they know that the higher ups will say both "no" and "heck no." Little do they realize that I just don't care how much they rant. After 8 years of this crap, I've heard it all. I just smile and repeat the procedure to them. The last doctor that tried thought he would make an end run and go through our parent company, who said "Oh, you work for $CHILD? Sorry, we don't handle your stuff. Go ask them." We'd told him no twice already. -TechieSidhe One hidden camcorder with a remote control is all it takes... -unrenowned That's when I resort to good old Barbossa, "I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request...(Sotto)It means no.." -ChildofCthulhu I got a good one recently. PHB:"Please connect this new phone to the network." Me:"No. It's his own." Some people look so startled when you say that simple 2 letter word... -Holdfast So what your saying is, that the instructions, and approval of your boss, his boss, and my boss, are not relevant to what goes on in the office. I'll be sure to let them know of your feelings on the subject. -McSmiley Ya, we've had people like that come into the store, the last one ended up getting told by the store manager that he should find a dedicated service for the amount of work he's wanting done at the speed he's wanting it done at. -spectreoflife Q: What's the difference between God and a doctor? --- A: God doesn't think he's a doctor. -Jonos The space between what this knob-head wants & what she's getting is simply colossal. There's NO WAY she's getting what she wants, by pure force of ego. NEXT! -lineswine "I can't give you a Macbook Air, but you can have the Air Macbook. It's on the counter, next to the Air Guitar. Don't drop it! -BurlyJ Two words: air horn. -charred Waiting on their approval may be a colossal waste of your time, but screaming at me about it is a colossal waste of OUR time. No thanks... NEXT! -CelticSkyhawk
Comments1990 Rolls Canardly Special Edition (With pillows on the milk crate seats!) -ChildofCthulhu
CommentsAnd this is why we don't use the priority selection on our system. You can set it as whatever, but we still sort our tickets in first come, first serve order. If it's a real emergency, they'll call. -ravensentinel Ours is a little more simple. Incident or non-incident? Incident means it's affecting an entire site or the entire company. Naturally, the little critters of nature say it's an incident when the printer's out of toner, or they get a pop-up warning them of low space on their notebooks. -VoiceOfSanity My job uses the 1-4 system as well. My department will never see a Priority 1 request. However we get P2's all the time. I so hate those. Especially since they're only P2 because someone sat on their thumbs for too long. -Aelin236 The users don't pick the priority...we do. Sometimes they'll email a high priority message to the helpdesk auto ticket account but the ticket is still created as Medium...and if the phones are busy it'll take longer to get to their e-mail than if they'd waited on hold. -Starfury Yeah...we see "High Priority" in the subject and we laugh. Nine times out of ten it means the submitter is trying to dig themselves out of a hole they created and want us to dig them out. We have a few users that think starting every help desk email with "High Priority" immediately puts them above everyone else. After a while we start to ignore those words. -TechieSidhe Ignore them? Heck, seems to me that you simply translate those words into "File this request with Arthur Dent's house destruction plans". -chazz Power is out to the server room? P4! (That's what it is beginning to sound like.) -Captain Trips That used to happen site wide with a 'couldnt care less ' attitude from upper managment whenever us lowly peons complained ( even with IT bonuses linked to SLA performance ). That is until the day we had the server room blow with a voltage overload, -and every tech instantly took all the P1 'mouse dirty' type calls - and then refused to notice the screaming Manglement because 'these other calls came in first and therefore have priority - your rules!!'.Even to the MD making a visit to the Tech room to see what was happening. Huge shakeup after that -dadtaxi a 'special subcategory' (SS) for this user can be addressed with 'P1SS @ $username' on the ticket -stiffarm This is why I love ticketing systems where user priority is a completely separate (and largely cosmetic) system from the IT department's priority. Just because a user thinks something is important doesn't mean the company does. -Geminii We have a couple of customers where every server we monitor alerts with a P1 status regardless of the issue. I've watched people dump the cases to the side because when it comes down to it, that is no more important than the other cases and someone who IS down needs our help instead. -CelticSkyhawk In soe ways I'm luck to just be working for ~65 people. Priority = Boss or deputy. Everyone else first come first serve... I get us use my descretion about how important things are so COMMON SENCE RULES (for once)! -AniMaL
CommentsI can compile it...into another text document. -ravensentinel I remember this from college, years ago. Was working in the computer lab, & a "friend" came over and started asking questions (which was allowed, the lab worker's capabilities allowing). Kept on asking simple question after simple question, trying to get me to step 'friend' all the way thru writing a program. Since I had homework to do myself, I just wrote the program (me=senior level CS classes, 'friend'= 1st programming class). It worked, of course, and off 'friend' went. Also of course, the teacher knew 'friend' cheated and gave not just an F but a zero on the assignment. 'Friend' had the gall to complain that I should have written it poorly so the teacher wouldn't know. Never got asked again by that person. Help's one thing, "Do it for me" is something else. -CTYankee Did you throw a hash table for no good reason CTY? I remember being hassled for that in my 'first' U programing class. -LDFeral This is why one school I went to required the DOS 6.22 class for any computer major - to weed out those that don't have the aptitude for computers. If you don't get DOS, then you won't get higher languages, or even basic scripting languages, queries, etc. (If you fail the DOS class, you can switch majors to Real Estate or Basket Weaving.) -Captain Trips @LDFeral...nope, just wrote it the way you'd write code if you'd been doing it for 4 yrs of college, plus 4 yrs of high school. -CTYankee CTYankee: I've done that myself. Only I was a lot less subtle about it. Had a similar 'friend' not ask me to write a program, but he TOLD me to write it. I thought of telling him off, but instead I put in a comment at the very top of the program "#%ID10T% didn't write this. If he's too stupid not to notice this comment, he deserves a 0 on the project." He got a 0 on the project. -win2k2b @win2k2b - You put it in a comment? I put it in code that generated a popup dialog box. The teacher had a choice of two buttons: Pass/Fail -unrenowned Hmm. Sounds like most of the time it wouldn't even need a check to see if it's running on the machine next to your desk or not (if so, do normal stuff. If running on any other machine ever, pop the message up...). -Geminii
This is the customer that figures they can always get their way by discovering loopholes in your stated policies. Their logic: if your written policy doesn't cover every scenario, they're automatically in the right.
Classic examples:
"Where does it say you don't match [liquidation sale] prices? Show me where it says that."
"What do you mean I can't return something if it's been used as an ostrich sex toy? It doesn't say that anywhere!"
"This item can't be discontinued! It doesn't say discontinued in the ad, so you gotta get me one!"
Despite their impressive legal minds, the JCs of the world will always fail to grasp clauses such as "All returns are done at the discretion of management", "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone", and "Life sucks, wear a helmet.". Even when you show them that their brilliant legal argument holds less water than a kiddie pool filled with porcupines, they still insist they're right because "they're the customer".
Commentsno the main thing they don't understand is "NO". -Icelator Of, the number of these I meet at the hotel... -Voz Schools don't teach "NO" anymore. Nor do the genetic donors (a.k.a. "parents"). -unrenowned "The customer is always right!" No, the customer is always an idiot. -flapjackboy "The customer is always right!" Yeah, but we don't want you as a customer. Please do us the favor of never returning. -chazz At my desk here at work I used to have a large red mallet that I would leave sitting on my desk. I put a sign under it that said "Bad User Mallet." Humorless manager made me put it away. -win2k2b At $Work-3 I used to have a loaded paintball pistol on the desk with a sign "Customer Correction Device" - suprisingly it lasted through 2 different directors before the last one made me take it home... -grumpysysadm
Commentsthere's an app for that. -McSmiley We have one. It's called Carpe Diem - he doesn't use it b/c "it's not his job to write out his timesheet". Although the more likely answer is he can't figure out how to click buttons on a screen. -redevil34 I admit it, this is me. I should do a timesheet every week. Normally I'm at least a month behind, and by that time I have no idea what I was doing. -rurwin
CommentsOh, no, not the dreaded WYSE Thin Client. Which model - we use V90, V90LE, and the new V90LEW. (We currently have approximately 5,000 of the little suckers in the field.) -Captain Trips Sometimes the Manglement Nuggets need to eat a little humble brick. Right in the f***ing teeth! -unrenowned My dad once subletted a room in a small office, which he used around once a week since he works from home. Another guy from the company who owned the office decided to slowly move in. I'll write a separate story about it. -SpiderRider3 We have someone like this. He shows up once in a blue moon unnounced and expects a computer, logon account and office to be waiting for him. Uh derrrrrr if you dont tell anyone your coming how can this be arranged for you. -jp
CommentsNot muppet show. Those were atleast entertaining!!. Hmm... - moth-eaten sock puppet show? -ApolloSZ Congressional hearing involving mortgage bank bailout CEO after he buys everyone in the office a trip to a casino? -TieDyedDinosaur Zombie Goat Gang-bang? -ChildofCthulhu I think the Moron Gangbang is pretty spot on. As a side note, if it isn't my job to support them but under some power I am compelled to, my first step is to nuke and pave. "You didn't back up before you brought it to me? Wow, its a good thing you bought the game legitimately and have the install media and licenses, huh?" -CelticSkyhawk I humbly suggest Star Cluster f. Apparently starfish come in clusters now. -SimianMilitant Some morons who insist on showing up at the ER for, um, preferring to stand rather than sit. -AdmiralLaurie Clustemers, fer sure. It contains both "Clusterfuck" & "Customers" in one easy to understand format. -lineswine I will admit I do like Moron Gangbang. The term, not the event mind you. But I might be tempted, since it is a flock of these bastardos, to go simply with Clusterflock. -win2k2b True. Mind you it might help if WoW admitted it was having issues instead of blaming everything on the client. Especially when they're pushing a patch without the clients knowlegde... lol -GX5000
CommentsThey willfully destroyed company property? Shouldn't that mark the last thing they've ever done with the company? -Stryker One And in regards to your e-mail addy. Who goes first at a four-way stop? The guy in the full size lifted camo pick-up with the fully load gun rack and the bumper sticker that says: "Guns don't Kill People, I do". -Stryker One That would be abuse. Most companies have policies against that. Check your regs. -unrenowned Also, most companies do not force you to get a super merely because the caller requests one. My favorite line "A super will not take your call if you have refused to troubleshoot." Customers like to think they have your job at their disposal. They are wrong. -linkv Parenting skills usually prove useful in these situations. Particularly if you've raised a two-year-old. -Seamus "HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE?!" Now THERE'S a hole with no bottom... -udoshan As I said to an @$$hat salescritter who said they would have my job for not doing the impossible in very little time: "Oh really, take it! You'll be working for 65+ hours a week for $5 an hour after tax! -Wraith556 As I said to an @$$hat salescritter who said they would have my job for not doing the impossible in very little time: "Oh really, take it! You'll be working for 65+ hours a week for $5 an hour after tax!" -Wraith556 Ooops! Sorry for the double post! -Wraith556 Any more story on this one? It sounds like there should be. -lineswine That little tirade affords you a one-on-one personal conversation with Mr. Dialtone himself! Write me up, fire me, I don't care... I will NOT tolerate someone speaking like that to me. -CelticSkyhawk I'll never understand stupid. I've had Record Managers drop coffee in front of their brand new PC's and wipe the MoBo. So nice my IT guys didn't take no convincing to just make it go away. Your Local IT Tech and Systems Admin should be on your Christmas list, no on your bad side. -GX5000
CommentsAlso, I forgot to add that i'm a long time TSC reader and finally decided to create an account here. -TheTripOut Long-time reader, first-time poster? Well hallo, then. And- just so. -LDFeral VVelcome! I wish they'd let us use linux here. But then everyone would want Office on all their machines too. -ravensentinel Anybody running Linux here has MS Office 2005. ;~} -RiffRaff Aren't there federal statutes regarding trying to gain unauthorized acces to machines? -McSmiley Not when the machine is owned by the company I work for. We are not going to do anything about this because the supervisor has the root login information and has chosen to not answer his phone or emails for the past week but the customer still expects us to give him access. -TheTripOut We don't give users Admin rights on their PCs, so I have to use my userID and password for any installs and updates. -Wraith556 "Thank you for your request. We regret that it has taken a day to get back to you, but the time was productively spent alerting every single person who has access to this account not to give it to you under any circumstances." -Geminii
CommentsUnfortunately there will probably be some beancounter type that will flag the whole exchange as 'unprofessional', trust me, there is always somebody who just doesn't get it. -TieDyedDinosaur That's hilarious! But I hate to agree. Sadly some other starfish will get jealous and eat/fire said starfish. -ravensentinel that is awesome beyond words, I miss getting service requests like that -wazntme
CommentsI call foul on that. I don't believe Microsoft had an email solution before Windows 95. Which puts my PST file, started in 1998, into proper context. Unfortunately, I can't currently find my pegasus mail file for 95-98. I may actually have deleted it recently. -rurwin I'm guilty of being a data hoarder, but at least I'm smart about it. I have 6 years of email in PST files broken out by year. However, I only keep current and previous year on my computer and the older stuff I back up to DVD (on my own time). About 4-5 times a year, I end up needing those archives to prove a customer is trying to blow smoke up our collective asses. -virtualchoirboy I'm sure the user is doing it all.. for the horde. -NightSteel I have email dating back to 1999 available through my mail program, and I go back to 1991 in the email archives that are not in the program but just in mbox format (all text, no proprietary format) that I can search. The mail program I use (sylpheed) stores each message in a separate text file, so it's all searchable with either the program or other tools like grep. The oldest files I have on active storage date back to 1998. Good thing storage gets increasingly cheaper over time! -SalParadise In my experience, I've always found if the PST's go over a gig in size, they tend to get corrupted. He had a 12 gig file going back as far as 1992 he said. Didn't look, but would believe it. His was 12 gigs last I looked. -ravensentinel Fuck the PST file. In the arse. With a rusty Klez_H. POS format develops errors and/or dies screaming when you LOOK at it funny. -Seamus I was tasked once with finding our 'top offenders' for email box size. The top guy had a 100GB mailbox. Turned out he was in legal and had been told to keep all his correspondence as a Corporate-sized CYA. -minchazo Minchazo, engineers can be the same way. I was tech-ing for a small engineering firm until recently. Top users were the principal engineers and had approx 50 - 75 gigs on the exchange server, not to mention what was in their .PST files. Now that I'm on my way to becoming an engineer (E.I.T. now), I sort-of understand their motivation. Our business is 95% CYA. -Antacid do you work in my office? We have an engineer here who is totally that guy. -My Cat Athena I've known plenty of this type. We have one rule...if you have a PST bigger than 2 gigs, we WON'T be spending the three hours it will take to save it from the brink of corruption because you're too lazy to create another personal folder. One of our starfishes had one that was 8 gigs and so mucked up...gaww!!! -GX5000
CommentsI detect a user..... -virusjtg So do I.... But good for them, I have Clients that do that every Christmas, it really does make all the bad feelings from the past year melt away...well some at least. -GX5000
CommentsI agree completely...Personally, I model my work persona after House M.D. Even the rules are the same: Everybody Lies and the world's filled with Idiots. -ChildofCthulhu Agreed with above. Do the same here. -ravensentinel Maybe nice guy doesn't realize what you're telling him is against company policy. Sorry, I follow company policy regardless of how annoying just for this reason. -CelticSkyhawk Rule #1 here is that the users always lie. Rule #2 is that even if you believe they are telling you the whole truth, they're still lying. -Auroralights This is the kind of person who needs their PC scoured of all non-core files every night, just to drive the point home. -Geminii House could be a tech guru anyday. -GX5000
CommentsAnd how do you know it's 1970s porn music? -Wraith556 because today's porn music doesn't the same groove -DedSysOp I know its 70's porn music because of the awesome synth beat, And because I am male between the ages of 15 and dead, of course I have seen a wide variety of porn. -ZombieBear
CommentsIf it doesn't work, it doesn't save time. -BurlyJ But it makes wonderful reading! -TieDyedDinosaur <Channeling Burrkiss> The last time I had to shake the bad data out of my cable, I had to wipe it off the bathroom floor. </Channeling Burrkiss> -Jonos Everyone knows that all you have to do is lick the live connection. That should clear it our for them. -AngrySup
CommentsWhen I opened the page, the Title 'How to be a Jerk in E-mails' appears on the tab, and all that showed in the main panel- a HP laptop. I was willing to shrug and accept that. -LDFeral Very little ASCII art is worth it - excepting Mike Jittlov's famous ASCII art - of which I am glad to say I know the subject of the portrait. -technaround technaround - lucky guy, to know someone that close to Mike Jitlov! (Not to mention the lass herself, bet she's "still got it" too!) -Captain Trips The Wizard of Speed and Time Mike Jittlov?? Very cool. -SalParadise
CommentsSounds like a manager type to me. "No, you can't work from home. But I can." -Aelin236 Did you add the 'hazardous duty' fee of (hourly rate * 4), payable on arrival? <grin> -CTYankee That's how I got out of the "I'm still a PC tech until I die after hours and on week ends". I just couldn't keep up with it and wanted my life back. I started charging for travel and all of the sudden only a few PC's would be dropped off for me to fix at my own pace instead of being on the road an hour after i got home from Work. -GX5000
CommentsHave you ever been to a Turkish prison? -burrkiss I believe that's actually Jet Analiz. http://www.jetanaliz.com/ -Stryker One That link leads to a blank server...PLAYTIME!!!! And I pronounce Analiz more like "Anal Ease". Just for some nifty evening imagery. -ravensentinel I guess nobody got the song reference but me... -figglywig We got it. -thx1138 I got that as well. -Fortytwo figglywig: 99.9999% of us are "Old School"; trust me when I say that "we got it". -unrenowned Analz... WHOOA, AAAH-AAHH-OH, AAAH-AAHH-OH, AAAH-AAHH-OH -PoglaTheGrate
CommentsAnd answering an 'or' question with 'yes.' We have a 'tech' here like that. -LDFeral @Ld - Oh yeah...-_- -Angelace Me: "What version of Windows do you have?" SF: "Yes." -Jonos Tech: "What kind of Mac do you have?" Blonde: "INTOSH, duh!" -Captain Trips RULE #1. STARFISH LIE! -beatmewithstick AND your email address is invalid, better get it to the hospice. -beatmewithstick Corollary to rule 1: if a tech lies, they're a user. -LDFeral Oh yeah..sorry about my email address. There's a reason...^^jjj I'll fix it eventually (too lazy >_<) -Angelace
CommentsConsidering there are 260 standard working days (not including holidays falling during the week), he's running a pretty high average. -CelticSkyhawk All companies have someone like this in their organization. Sometimes it'll be a secretary, sometimes it'll be an engineer, sometimes it'll be a manager. In all cases, it's the exact same thing, the inability to listen to instructions and follow them. *sigh* The positive side is that your management views them as "job security". Sometimes. -VoiceOfSanity Then you'd hate me. I've opened 218 tickets this year alone. Mainly to open and close user accounts, fix things that the tier 3 fixes didn't fix like they should, a few tickets to fix things that weren't done right in previous tickets, couple here and there to add additions to firewalls, 20 or so to stage new computers, etc. etc......but none of them were BS. All of them were stuff I needed done I couldn't do at my level. -ravensentinel ravensentinel - I'd rather get tickets like yours, where they're all legitimate, as opposed to someone whining and neeping that things are working the way they should be. -Cyan Ahh yes, this type of moron is referred to here as a "frequent flyer". -lineswine
CommentsMy version of this guy complains about once every month, as he's the boss, he gets attention sooner rather than later. Usually it's a case of running ccleaner to remove the 700-800mb of ie temp files he gets stuck with because he never shuts the browser down correctly....that and clicking any and every virus ridden link in the email he gets...How's that r&d on the "remote punch in the face via ip" coming guys? -ChildofCthulhu CoC: Haven't started. Still working on SitFoIP (Stab in the Face over IP) Haven't found a way to hide the 12" steak knife yet. -DarkRookie I once had to sysadmin ask me what was a doing online because the company internet connection was really slow. I told him nothing because I had 5 static pages open. I then asked him could it be the pointcast users in the sales department (pointcast was expressly forbidden and I noticed at least two pointcast screens as I walked past the sales area)? He said no-one is using pointcast so it has to be me. I told him to go to the sales area and check the PCs there because I saw two pointcast screens only a few minutes before. He does, and I get to see him laying down the law on the sales people. -Wraith556 That's what firewalls and qos are for. No really, you are NOT going to use the offending application. -McSmiley
CommentsWOW - it averages 20Mbit per hour for 24 hours, every day... - Is this a business or home account... ??? -Wonko The Sane <Whipping dead horse> And this type of BS is exactly why I support Usage Based Billing. </Deadhorse> -Jonos I've just upgrade by plan from 35GB/35GB onpeak/offpeak to 100/100 for an additional $10 per month. The only catch is that includes UP and DOWNloads. But with that much capacity I think it is less of an issue it was in the past. And should I exceed cap, my speed is slowed from ADSL2 to 256kpbs. But that usage is extreme. Perhaps an open wireless router near a college dorm? -Wraith556 those damn etrade babies -stiffarm Etrade babies? They didn't show up for the Super Bowl this year. -MadJack Are they possibly streaming live TV and music constantly? Even then, wow that's some usage. -CelticSkyhawk Sounds like someone's running ComCrap's Extreme package here in Houston. Not that I would pay that much ($120/mo)... and it sounds like said sucktomer is running a private ISP. -VoiceOfSanity and a torrent server.... a popular one at that. -McSmiley
CommentsSounds more like the, do-it-for-me-for-free type. -Stryker One Good thing we don't have phones to call him with. We do provide him the contact number and email of the other team that does and tell him how much it costs per hour. He just keeps emailing us back. Urgh. -Angelace 1st reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz." 2nd reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. This is a recording." 3rd reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. This is a recording of a recording." 4th, 5th, 6th, etc. reply escalating accordingly. -Voz
This person breaks and loses the equipment given to them by the IT department...constantly. Cell phones, Blackberries, headsets, and laptops.
Because they're a partner in the law firm they will never be billed for any of the broken equipment no matter how much it costs to replace it.
CommentsI know we've started keeping track. Department, account, person. One day, one day... -LDFeral We've got one who we figure has about 6 crackberry chargers. She seems to come in about once a month or so. -redevil34 Yep. We have an exec that bricks their blackberry at least once a month. We spend time fixing it, only for her to brick it again the next month. -TechieSidhe We have someone like this. They storm up to my desk and moan "my blackberry isn't working and then proceed to throw it onto my desk". The back cover of the blackberry breaks off and i'm starring at the blackberry in pieces. Uhhhhhhhh hmmmmmm let me think why it might not be working. -jp
CommentsYou mean something like this? "SillyGirl put a period instead of a question mark on page 1337, line 69. This kind of incompetence can't be tolerated, she should be fired with prejudice immediately!" (I've known the type.) -Captain Trips Ah, Captain, you've nailed it exactly. It helps to know you've shared my pain. -SillyGirl Oh I responded by tracking down all the work, documenting it painstakingly and pointing out their own still unresolved errors and hypocrisy all disguised in PC-ness, business speak, legalese,etc. and cc-d his boss and so on. Never talked to me again. Few weeks later, my petition for transfer to a better post and job came through and I'm in some place waaay better. Last I heard, he got fired. His team finally had enough of him. -Angelace
Comments5 days? Have one client who complains if we don't call a driver in 5 minutes. -Olorin I'm sure many of us have been complained about for not fixing something that hasn't even been reported as broken yet. -Holdfast Or @$$hat salescritter who demands you contact him IMMEDIATELY(!!) and then blocks all incoming calls on landline and cell phones. Luckily GM knew I was trying to call him every 15 minutes on both numbers and told said salescritter to back off. -Wraith556
CommentsHey there - where ya BEEN? See the BWBBQ thread in the Break Room, dude! -Grue It got up to the mid twenties F today. Earlier today, I saw one of my neighbors go outside in shorts and a tee shirt. Crazy. -Seamyst If I'm going running, I'll do it on the treadmill with AC running (it's about 35oC+ outside), and the 42" LCD showing something interesting. If my wife wants to watch TV, I'll use my pocket media player to keep myself distracted. -Wraith556 If it's 7F (-13/14C) and I see someone running, I expect to see at least one dangerous crazy person. Either the one running or the one with a meat cleaver chasing him. -AussieFoot -34C here this morning ( thats about,.. umm.. -2F i think?) car barely started - the cats didnt even bother getting near any portal to the outside world and yet people jogging and dragging their dogs at 7 am. i don't think i even left the house of Sunday. - aisde from the occational smoke - spent the day bundled up in the basement. -Harm Why there was prolly a point in time when we had to go out in 7 degree weather to hunt. With the zombie apocalypse coming and wiping out everything, there are ahead of the game. -DarkRookie What's this "jogging" you speak of? *snuggles further into comfy chair, sipping tea* -lineswine
CommentsI tell people like that to go back to their desk and call so we can fix it. dont go with them. -gashach Once they think they are getting preferential treatment by breaking the rules, the rules shall be broken repeatedly. "You should be at your computer, call me, and I'll be at mine, and I can help you fastest that way." -Xal Walk with them to their computer, diagnose the problem, state that you have to go back to the Help Desk to fix it, forget about the issue for 15 minutes, take 5 minutes to take notes/log the issue in an email to your boss, then call the user back and tell them how to fix the problem with a suggestion that it would be easier if they just call next time... :-) -virtualchoirboy "What's your ticket number? Sorry, no support without a ticket number. How to get one? Call the Helpdesk. No, I can't give you one. No, I can't 'just come and do it, it'll only be a minute.'" -Geminii @Geminii: what if they pull out their cell phone and call the helpdesk from the helpdesk? -SpiderRider3
CommentsIT is supposed to act and react, not be heard. Gees! Haven't you been briefed? -ravensentinel I smell corporate. -DuckyFuzz Follow up to this: They never called outside support. On Friday, the issue was still going on but the internet this time was indeed down. And when it came back up, the terminal, of course, STILL didn't work, and she said this always happens when the internet people come and fix things. I reminded her that it actually didn't work when the internet was up either. She called tech support and, oh BIG SURPRISE. It was the device, which she cheefully informed me as if SHE had solved the problem all by her lonesome. -MrsCheezil
This is the user who knows you personally, and will diligently ask you for advice when it comes to tech. He will listen carefully and, often, ask fair questions to clarify the advice you give. However, for reasons unknown, he will not actually TAKE the advice you give him. He just seems to want to have advice for its own sake. Take my most recent Advice Collector. In the past 8 years, I have given him the following advice:
*I told him not to use Norton. In the space of a year, he went from Norton, to McAfee, to AVG, then back to Norton.
*I told him not to buy a Sony camera, but instead to stick with Kodak or Canon. He bought a Sony. Complained that it was too hard to use. He then got rid of it and bought a Kodak.
*I told him to transfer his photos to his My Photos folder, and use a basic photo editing program for touch-ups. He went with Picasa for organizing and whatnot, then freaked when an update borked his filing system.
*I told him not to spend any extra money on a Dell-brand printer, because any money he thought he'd be saving would go back into buying their ink cartridges. Despite my plea for him to pick up an HP or Epson at ANY other fucking store, he buys a Dell printer and is amazed at how much they charge for ink.
*When it came time to scrap the PC, I told him to buy a Mac. He's now the proud owner of yet another Dell, this time with Win7.
*He buys a DVD burner and software so that he can make photo slideshows for his TV. I explain that making photo slideshows is not always straightforward, and sometimes DVD players expect the photos arranged in a certain manner, or some writable media won't play nicely. I explain it always takes some trial-and-error, and it would be best if he could call me and help answer some questions for him during his first attempt. He says nothing for months, then tells me he gave up because it didn't work right.
CommentsAre you billing him for the time spent providing the advice? -Stryker One A fool and his money are soon parted, much like a helpdesk agent and his sanity. -Jonos Usually you have to just tell them "Do this!" because if you add "Don't do the other!" their little minds think they have a choice. I have a friend who has ignored every piece of tech advice I have ever given him even when I've only given him one choice. -AussieFoot After the second ignored advice, I start giving the "advice collector" the "I told you so" routine. -RoadDemon I have a policy at work: I do not make recommendations on tech equipment at all unless I own the item in question. If I'm asked which device (BB/iPhone) is best I direct them to talk to the training department. -Starfury I've been known to give advice, up to & including "I'll geo grt it for you", adding on my own charges to the costs...free advice is NEVER taken to be worth anything. PAID FOR advice = consultancy - with rates to match. -lineswine
CommentsThis is when you put the phone on mute and take a nap for 5 minutes. Those power naps are awesome! -DarkRookie Easier said than done considering they were standing right in front of me. -skippytpodar I had lusers like that at my old place. They insisted that they had to have all this software on the machine, even if it was manually downloaded by them against company policy. Oh, and they also mirrored the server that their data was supposed to reside on for their 'convenience'. Which explains why on a 60gb laptop drive, they only had 4gb of space remaining... then complained about not having any room on the drive. Here's a clue, go buy yourself a care. -VoiceOfSanity With our users, if they've downloaded unapproved software and need a reimage (or new computer entirely) it's more a case of "sucks to be you" -- if it's not approved, it's not getting copied over. And we are now limiting downloads to admins only. (Finally, on that last! Google Earth is a cool program, but too intensive for our machines, and not needed for work.) -Captain Trips People still download Google Earth? I thought Google Maps had replaced it. -Wraith556 "One format, coming right up." -Geminii
Commentsis it odd that as soon as i saw CX in your topic, i was thinking goatse? -boxcar It sounds very similar to people who when asked about the storage capacity of their iPods and phones tell you how many songs it will hold. Is that 1MB tracks or 50MB ones? -Holdfast 40 rods to the hog's head ? -ThinTheHerd
Comments"At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behavior. If human beings donât keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few monthsâ consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they donât keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working..." -ChildofCthulhu That was probably my mother in law. I'm sorry. You could ask her what time it is, and you'd get an answer a half hour later after a monologue about the weather, her ailments, and everyone she knows. -TechieSidhe And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire... -boxxertrumps Yep, got one of these... and he has a lisp and stutter and doesn't stop talking even when I interrupt him. But it's okay, because he almost always calls with a hardware issue requiring us to call HP. I feel vindicated dropping him on the line with them for all the other times they give me hell. -CelticSkyhawk This can also be a co-worker type...*sigh* -Angelace "BLOW IT OUT YOUR @$$! BLOW IT OUT YOUR @$$!" - George Carlin -udoshan
CommentsIf it happens again, expect another phone call. You fixed it this time, so she doesn't have to remember anything except to call you! Enjoy! -TubPorsche I have had this call too many times. -Starfury Definintely the sort for whom conch'esness isn't a necessary requirement. -VoiceOfSanity "If it happens again, bring it in and we'll charge you our standard $40 repair fee. Or you can turn on one of your three brain cells and LEARN!" -Captain Trips This is a daily call at our clinic. Since Vista/Win7 it's gotten every worse, half the time they don't even realize they're trying to log into someone else's account. Let alone find the "Switch User" button. -LazyLemming Sounds familiar. Not long ago, I had someone call because they were getting a message saying that they needed to log in as an administrator in order to install a necessary component. I duly translated the written statement by telling the caller that he needed to log in as an administrator. Miraculously, he knew what the admin password was, but it kept getting rejected.....because he hadn't changed the username...."oh, that makes a difference?" -Trillian My user's issue is the window comes up populated with her correct username but then she presses switch user to log in. You have to admit, they put that button in a stupid place. -MrsCheezil This is why I always recommend any corporate SOE have a blank username field. Well, that and the fact that even if a correctly username is prepopulated for more than a couple of days and then cleared, the user won't know how to log in. Gotta make typing in both the username AND password part of their daily routine. Likewise all PCs to be logged off automatically overnight, so users have to log in at least once a day - otherwise they forget how to. -Geminii
CommentsWe had one like this... and if he had a hardware failure he wanted the equipment replaced with the exact same equipment. He had a monitor fail, a 14" CRT from the early to mid-90s. We delivered a brand new flat screen and he rejected it because it wasn't the same model. Our hardware vendor searched for a couple of days to find the same model as he had and lo and behold he was a happy camper once more... for at least five minutes. -CelticSkyhawk Yeah....these days you just want to take a shot gun and march into their office and...and...I dunno...I shouldn't say anything anymore that might be attributed to me...so uhm if you guys here any uh...workplace massacre you uh..didn't hear it from me. I'm an Angel...like uh...my namesake...*looks around furtively* -Angelace *HEAR! not here...oy vey *face palm* -Angelace Last on of these the office dropped in my lap to solve. I pulled all there TT went through all the techs actions and then called HIS boss went over his abuse. Pointed out all the resolved issues that were created because he refused to follow the rules and all the issues that were network wide and not limited to just him so his expectations of them being fixed in 2 min were unfounded. To top it off he was a GG10 your not importian till a GG15 lvl. At the end of the conversation his boss said he would take care of it. The Fish has not submitted a TT since or called. -Crai
CommentsWhy not just transfer to Mr. D. Tone? -Stryker One Because Im trying something new. Its called.. um right, Being a Good Agent in the eyes of the Company. -ZombieBear Stryker has a point; eventually SOME customers are proven more trouble than they're worth. Sounds like this idiot doesn't want actual help he just wants to fuss and moan. -udoshan Oh god there are so many times I just want to flat out say: So..do you want support or do you just need someone to bitch on? -Angelace
CommentsAh, yes, the old "That's The Way We've ALWAYS Done It" tale, a tired tale and true. Who amongst us hasn't run into that? (Fortunately, with our new software package, they can't pull that line on us for at least another year.) (Won't stop them from trying, though.) -Captain Trips
Comments" What? you DON'T know who YOU are? I personally don't care." -Harm What a bloody wanker! -Captain Trips Actually, there are some folks who can successfully pull out this sort of thing. Companies know that if certain people call in the help lines that they do receive a different sort of help than the average person would get. This extends into the company helpdesk levels as well, as we have it set up that if certain folks call for help, it flags with a pop-up in the tracking tool that you are to immediately pass the call to someone else specifically hired for those people (executives). Just as I'm sure that actors, politicians and other major players in civilization have flags on their phone accounts, cable and internet services that we (the masses) don't get. -VoiceOfSanity Some people show their true selves on their own so much better than anybody could do it for them. Very thoughtful of them, really. -TechMama What the sh!t was that? I used to be able to read 'leet' (No, I'm not spelling it with numbers), but that seemed to be netspeak coupled with some sort of degenerative nervous twitching in, and around, the keyboard. I suppose some of that can be blamed on twitter's conservation of characters. -LDFeral
CommentsAnd make sure the voice is R. Lee Ermey. -Stryker One Tell him he's wrong, and the fact that he's too dumb to have a computer-related job proves it. It' in the brain and personality, not the gonads. If it doesn't "compute" for *him*, then it's emotion, not logic, and hence not YOUR problem. </me leaves soapbox> -CTYankee I remember finding a sound clip from an adventure game 'Now you've done it- you've REALLY done it' in a cheesy 50's announcer type voice. Having that go off for every event was golden, for about 15 s. -LDFeral I have one that says "Uh-oh. What did you break now?" every time he sees me working on a machine not my own. One day I will respond, "Nothing yet but your neck is on my list." -Tekkie have the computer play back a voice saying "Welcome to XXX Porn Website" over and over. -ecoli Tekkie: I have one of those two but thankfully I don't see him very often. -MrsCheezil On the old iMac at my former job, I rigged the "error" sound that it would make, from a beep, to Lo Wang from Shadow Warrior, shrieking "You SO stupid! You can't find ass with both hands!" at a VERY high level of volume. All my coworkers and the T2s and T3s found it hilarious. The call center manager didn't. -Zimmerit "Bukkake!!!" NSFW http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bukkake -AngrySup Just ask him "What doesn't compute? Please give my your expert opinion on this matter...is it perhaps a driver issue, a registry error or a .dll mismatch? Go on, I'm waiting for your technical diagnosis." until the cretin STFUs. -lineswine
CommentsEpic WIN? ... or FAIL? -Harm Was he just "Fucing" with "Yu"? -momo Is he related to Foo kit ? -atomicbill "But Basil... TWINS!" </Austin Powers> -ApolloSZ
CommentsCoulda been far worse...they coulda been standing right at your shoulder making those nom-nom sounds right at your ear and asking you about what you're doing whilst spilling crumbles out of their pie-hole onto your hair and clothing... -ChildofCthulhu NO food around open equipment. PERIOD! -udoshan CoC - i have one of those... -Harm It's worse if they are eating three day left over Phillipine nastiness and breathing on you! -jerrybear
CommentsI've met a Richard Head -mtuck I met him on a plane once, he gave me his business card. Unless you think there may be another Richard Butt out there... -My Cat Athena Met Roger Dick today... -CelticSkyhawk I actually used to have a customer called Heidi Hi. I couldn't dial her number without bursting into laughter. -Smegger68
The first thing I thought when I saw this was "help desk customers"! - http://pictureisunrelated.memebase.com/2010/10/22/wtf-photos-videos-phony-sheep/
CommentsWIN -KrazerKap My first thought was "Anyone living west of Cardiff" ;-) -Gromit No, this is not a real close match, one is a smelly obnoxious brute that leaves small amounts of odorous feces as they mill about and blatter senselessly, WAIT ... nevermind. -TieDyedDinosaur
CommentsMythbusters already proved that myth busted. Unless you are using explosives - which works for me! -ecoli Re Mythbusters - Or a large caliber gatling gun. -AussieFoot Aussie -- I don't think you can call it "fish in a barrel" if there's no barrel left afterwards... -Captain Trips Who said we had to put water in the barrel???? That just gives you moving targets... :-) -virtualchoirboy How about putting them in the barrel of a large caliber naval rifle and firing? -TieDyedDinosaur Mythbusters already proved that myth busted. I believe they proved that you couldn't leave bullet holes in them, but kill them all the same. -DarkRookie
CommentsApologies to Burkiss - "My wife is a little excitable" == She cut my b@11$ off with a paring knife. -Source George strikes again! -Jonos Car squeaks making a left turn = I ran over my dog and now his chew toy is stuck in the wheel well. -AussieFoot
Commentsthen again if they call every 5 mins, and you hang up on them in at least 30 seconds your stats should skyrocket. -drachen
CommentsI love how the website is even labeled "The Google" -NetOwl My fiancee has recently discovered the joys of watching catchup TV on certain websites. She still insists, rather than looking in the browser history, or adding the page to favourites, on putting the tv channel into Google and then clicking the link there (not even the catch-up link) and THEN clicking on the catchup. I've tried to show her, but she insists on her way -PoglaTheGrate Don't even get me started on this. Seriously. My coworkers go to google and type our company URL into it and click on the link. -MrsCheezil ... and this is why BING! is moving to take Google's place, $Deity forbid. -MadJack I'm slowly breaking my users of this habit by blocking all the crap tracking/redirection bullshit when you click on sponsored links. My users google something instead of typing in the URL or making a bookmark, and Untangle pops up a spyware block notice. They're getting the hint. -RiffRaff But if they did it right we wouldn't get the comedy when some random site gets higher in the search order than Facebook. http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/facebook_wants_to_be_your_one_true_login.php (see the comments) -rurwin It's not just this kind of thing, though. It's any time that a better way to do something is immediately obvious after three seconds, and yet people will continue to trudge down their same worn paths, over and over. -Geminii I've watched people who have google as their home page constantly type www.hotmail.com, press search, then click the link, then hit home and type in www.facebook.com. Can't seem to convince them that typing that a little higher up in the address bar would save time and effort. -garwain My sister pretty much only used her comp for ebay. Every time when she went on, she would type ebay into search and then follow the link. Really? You can't remember www.ebay.com or just bookmark the page, or make it your homepage even? -Xandros
Commentsleast its some usefull information.... unlike " thing" or " it dun werk!" -Harm "Ma'am please C L I C K on S T A R T. Okay now J U M P off a C L I F F." -LazyLemming E P I C F A I L -KrazerKap I want a new M I C K E Y M O U S E! -linuxmatt "I want to order a McFail O' Fish please--hold the fucknuggets...." -vacuumtubes I had a customer read a message "media S T A T E disconnected". Who doesn't know how to read that? -MisterCommon
Commentswell, that sure beats "would you mind rescheduling your vacation time that was planned 3 months ago because of a big project that we took on 2 weeks ago, and now need you to work on because someone else made some big mistakes?" Yeah, sure. Just get everyone else involved in my vacation plans to reschedule, and I'll be happy to... -garwain The downside to having this sort of a customer, of course, is that you might feel obligated to provide free advice for a week or so concerning the means to avoid a repeat of the problem. -TieDyedDinosaur After years of being ignored and abused, this one example has made us (in my office) all... very jealous. And bitter. So very, very bitter. -LDFeral I hate these ones. They renew my faith in humanity, only to have it crushed again by the other 999,999. These one in a million make me feel bad for seeking to destroy the world. -LazyLemming I need one of those ASAP... :( Otherwise I am going to start burning the place down or something...or a straight jacket...or a vacation leave...I can feel my sanity leaving... T_T -Angelace
CommentsMaybe they didn't put a ignition switch or a lock on their car. Maybe they didn't set up a PIN when they went to an ATM. (Don't you wish that second one were true?) -MisterCommon
CommentsI'm a programmer. I don't do a lot of UI stuff, but even I know that any programmer ignoring such a basic UI standard should have his/her keyboard broken over his/her head. And that one has become pretty damn universal. -rdwells Yeah, we do need to find that programmer and beat him in the head. With something a little more solid then a keyboard. -DarkRookie Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear! (I feel strongly about this.) -concept14 I remember cursing because CTRL-C copied instead of cancelled. -AussieFoot There were some original IBM keyboards that included a thick steel plate in them. That would satisfy two of the above requirements at one time. -TieDyedDinosaur You mean like the one on my desk, which I'm using the type this? :-D Seriously, the Escape and Break keys are for stopping stuff. Ctrl-C my arse. -Chromatix Chromatix: I'd rather not Control-C your arse; there are enough arses around here now without copying any more. If you could Control-X a few, that would be welcome... -chazz Like this? http://somuchpun.com/2010/08/26/funny-pun-photos-oh-so-thats-what-those-are-for/ -slowANDeasy i find this...ironic? on the older Apple computers (before Macintosh) CTRL-C would instantly stop the program and drop you to the DOS prompt; sort of like the "break" key on newer computers! -Erictheblue DOS also treats CTRL-C as break. I can't remember if my Atari 400 XL did. -thx1138
CommentsSo, how'dya bring the whole fucking World Wide Web down?!? "....I dunno...." -vacuumtubes They also don't know the difference between a modem and a frikin router. -atomicbill 'modem' and 'router'? Fsck! These Layer 8 abominations sometimes don't know their tower from their monitor! -Seamus Don't forget, the only reason they know how to breed is because it feels good. -unrenowned And whether or not they know what a router is or not, they always mispronounce Linksys as "linkskee." -KrazerKap What's worse is there is an actual company called Linskey. They will hear a tech mention it and know when someone tells them their stupid they will go "Know...I heard someone who knows about computers call it that."http://www.linkskey.com/ -0gr3 These are people like a senior manager some time ago who tried to give be a telling off. My crime? I showed them a new HDD I was about to put into a PC and explained what I was doing. They felt that if I thought that component was a Hard Disc, I was obviously incompetent. Surely I ought to know that a Hard Disc was where you put floppies in... -Holdfast "Can you pull out the power cord?" "You're getting way too technical for me." Is electrical power that new of an invention that they haven't figured out what it is yet? -MisterCommon Once, back in 1999, my husband (then coworker) put the customer on hold and said, "This customer says she is having a problem with her IP Switch. What the fuck is that?" We (the web department) all died laughing. She meant WS-FTP made by Ipswitch. -MrsCheezil I say that the movie "Idiocracy" really is a prediction of what will come... -Dr Jerkyl Camacho for President. -AmazingKreskin
CommentsI used to have a boss like that. If he though it was too trivial a concern for him to deal with directly, he delegated. For both personal and business issues, sometimes you had to consult his wife to take care of the problem, and she was okay with that as well. Go figure??? -DizzyDan What's wrong with that? If you're lucky enough to have minions to do that for you, go for it! -AlanSmithee
CommentsJUST CALL HIM LOUD HOWARD! -Stryker One Last name "Ahsol"? -Captain Trips Must suffer from a severe case of laryngitis -Dr Jerkyl "No, these days it's all down to SHOUTING!! Baah!"</wellington> -AmazingKreskin initially read that as a pronunciation of "sure thing" -Mach327 I used to have a customer called Heidi Hi. Had to phone her up once, it took me about 5 tries before I stopped giggling...! -Smegger68
Commentsouch. I don't envy you -AdmiralLaurie Eh, at least they didn't keep trying to talk to their cat *about* you. -LDFeral I would rather lacerate my brachial arteries than ever do remote access/assistance ever again. No job could pay me enough to put up with THAT special brand of idiot. -Seamus Customer at a store yesterday using their phone on speaker, turns to the staff and says "Who's the manager here? I've got this idiot on the phone... er, I mean, I've got this nice gentleman on the phone who needs to talk to the manager. Sorry." I said "thank you". -Mushroom Sounds like someone who is really feeling those "car" analogies when it comes to computers... -unrenowned Didn't I just see this same story at customerssuck.com? -objekt404 Yeah, I tend to crosspost. -Jack
CommentsThese folks tick me off, too. I'll tell them that I can't do the work if I can't be at the computer & if they still don't move, I do. Right out the door. -Tekkie And I *love* your email address! Made me laugh out loud for real! -Tekkie I had a similar customer a while back, called me down to his store to take a look at his computer, then when I got there he just kept helping his customers rather than tell me what he needed. Never did end up paying for the hour or two that I was there. -OgdenTechGuy checking the email address per Tekkie's laugh. -burrkiss yeah I love sluts too.....for about $100/hour. -burrkiss just sit and stare at them until they get the point. -Tarantulus Secretly this type of user wants to be a tech, and they're really trying to show you that they can fix the problem. The 'fish just ends up looking like Stuart on MadTV - "Look what I can do!" -SalParadise My wife used to do this. She'd stay in the seat and ask "So what's my first step?" to which I'd reply, "Step 1; get the hell outta the chair!". -udoshan And one more thumbs-up on your SNL-themed E-mail... -udoshan Those are the ones I'll smile and say "Call me when you're ready for my help" and start to walk away. 20% of the time, I'll make it back to my desk before they realize I was serious. -VoiceOfSanity This comment is in agreement and I am curious as to what your email is. -0gr3 Email WIN! I give you an internet! -0gr3 Another comment to check email... -DedSysOp Ticket Closing Notes - User decided to try fixing it him/herself; informed user to call back when ready to have it fixed. -unrenowned Thanks guys. Someone on TSC gave me the idea for that email addy after my first post. I forget who it was. But I love it too! -MrsCheezil Ok, I'll see too. -Stryker One Okay... all these email checkers has called forth the spirit of the sheep within me. That said, just tell them if they don't move, they're still paying you for your time to sit idly by... money is a motivator to get the dead weight out of the way. -Avandor The email is jane.you.ignorant.sluttcs at gmail dot com. -MrsCheezil could be worse, you could have to touch the guy's goey keyboard. -drachen I have had those, too. My way to handle them is starting to unhook everything on the computer, and when they ask what I'm doing I tell them as they don't move I have to take everything to my workshop. Usually it helps... -Dr Jerkyl I have one like that but he does it because he wants to follow my instructions himself so he remembers for next time. -AussieFoot Worse are the ones who ask you to do something, you make the first step (something like right clicking on the desktop) and the YELL at you to stop and ask what you are doing. -PoglaTheGrate Remote control FTW. If they keep moving the mouse just keep clicking it and watch them think the computer is possessed!! -redevil34 Yeah, no matter how many times I have made it clear to all the users that I have remote software and use it regularly, they are still shocked and dismayed when they see the mouse moving and they fight me on it. Then I call and say, "remember I was going to work on your PC" and I'm greeted with a hearty "OH THAT'S YOU????" Sigh. -MrsCheezil Yup. Also those who ask for support, I remote in, start doing stuff, and then they start moving the mouse and try to type themselves - WTF? I generally shout at them to leave the keyboard/mouse alone or go and get a cup of tea... -SoldierJedi Altogether too familiar. -Mach327 Me: Oh you got this? *walks out the door* -crazyblkndn I just wait/text/sing until they move :) -mrfoxboy
CommentsI call that maneuver "Blame Tennis". The fishie is the ball bouncing between blaming the computer and blaming you when something they do makes the computer go "Pop! VZzzzzzT!". -ChildofCthulhu It takes time for the customers 'meat-cpu' to reboot after each dramatic change in the environment. -TieDyedDinosaur I'm quoting you on that, Dino. -Mer Are they running win98 or something? Special Edition, indeed. -LDFeral On the other hand there are the ones who click straight through everything no matter how many times you tell them not to. The people who are in between almost never have any need to call. -AussieFoot tyedyed's commment reminds me of a sci-fi story-or was it a game-where the user's brain was called the "wetware". -Erictheblue
CommentsSo wait, if you delay helping her, the problem will solve itself (until she regains consciousness)? -Seamus kill it! it doesn't BREATH! ALIEN!! -Harm
Comments"My cousin told me that it was always the hyper-transcapituary switch when this error showed up! Always!" "Do you mean the one that says 'invalid password?'" -LDFeral No,no,no LD. Its the flux capcaitor thats the issue. -DarkRookie I think it's a flaw in the interpreter code between the wetware and the hardware. I suggest replacing the wetware unit immediately. -ChildofCthulhu
This is the person who, upon leaving town, sends out an e-mail to everyone in their address book. This includes everyone from work, every family member, every friend, and anyone who's a friend of any of those people. This e-mail states quite clearly that The OOT Informer will be out of town, and therefore IMPOSSIBLE to reach by e-mail-- you know, because there are SO MANY places in the civilized world where it's impossible to get on the internet and check your e-mail should you want to. Often, just before they leave, they'll send a REMINDER e-mail, making sure you're quite clear that they won't be reachable. Of course, when they return, their first act will be to send ANOTHER e-mail, assuring everyone that they have returned, and normal e-mail communications can resume AT ONCE.
Oddly enough, OOT Informer is always someone no one actually wants to contact in the first place.
CommentsI did that, but it was because I was heading to a fun-filled weekend on the coast. I didn't even take my cell phone! -AdmiralLaurie I think it's much more fun to just disappear for a couple of days and not tell anyone what's happening. -AmazingKreskin My users setup an autoresponder. That responds to *everything* (can't just respond once per incoming address). They know that, so I'd rather they email their primary contacts beforehand, rather than start a responder loop with another email server. -Tekkie Ooo, but I've been in IRC channels where (usually just by one person) we get regaled with every little thing a person does while they're there, in the form of "User goes goes to store," "User comes back from store," "User breathes in," "User breathes out." Just die. No one ever comments, no one cares, so STFU. -Tekkie What, you don't go camping where there's no power, let alone internet access? Every year we attend an event in a valley in South Dakota where there is ONE spot on the entire property where one can get cell reception, and the phone has to be at least six feet off the ground to get it at all. So not having communication with the outside world during one's vacation isn't that surprising. -pixel If someone breaks into their house while they're gone, I can already see the police report. ... So, who did you tell that you'd be out of town. ... Um, everyone. ... Everyone? ... Yes, everyone that I've ever known, chatted with, or even seen their email address on a website somewhere. ... ... ... Case closed, too many potential suspects. -Ramblin Ah I still love my last bosses version of this email. She actually wrote "I will have internet in the hotel. I will not however be reading my email. I will have my cell phone with me. I will not however be answering it. If the office catches, I'll be on the beach not knowing about it. Cheers!" with a picture of her looking like a Corona commercial. -LazyLemming Yeah, there are plenty of places in the civilised world with no internet connection... in laymen's terms it is called Australia -PoglaTheGrate Polga, go a few kilometres off the highways and mobile phone reception just disappears. I know this from experience. -Wraith556
CommentsGood for you, takes some of the fight out of 'em. -LDFeral
Comments"I just have a quick question" and "I've got $sheepskin_cert and..." both send my brain into the same mode as "I have an aol.com e-mail address". -Seamus So how do I turn on Windows Firewall to put out the fire in my computer? -Dr Jerkyl So how do I make it go? I want it to go. *Exit, Stage Left!* -unrenowned
CommentsSome phones already have one of the buttons set up to speed-dial voicemail. For example, most Nokias have a reel-to-reel tape symbol on the 1 key. -Chromatix "I can count to syllable!" -teivrann Otis can count to TINK! -vacuumtubes that is so lame....shoot them now! -Hawk
CommentsWow, finally something good about the rats with wings! -SalParadise mine.. mine! mine! mine! mine! -McSmiley
CommentsDoesn't want to appear stupid? I think it's a little late for that. -flapjackboy Doesn't want to appear stupid? Needs to hide! -AussieFoot My response would have most likely been, first pull your head out of your butt, then take a breath, and follow my instructions to the letter... -THETECHFROMHELL
CommentsSounds much like my own family. -skippytpodar I guess "right-click/send-to" is just too complicated for them... -Captain Trips
CommentsWhat a shitbuckle. -vacuumtubes When I worked a call center for Sprint PCS I had a moron call about his bill. He wanted to know why there were charges rolled over from the previous month. The rolled over amounts were always less than $1, like 38 cents. After cutting through the stupid, what this idiot was doing was writing a check for the full dollar amount, say $50 and then putting loose change in the envelope to pay a bill for $50.38. He did this because it made balancing his checkbook easier. I told him he couldn't pay through the mail with cash. He said he didn't, he paid with a check and change. Moron. -Bioguy Would you like otis with that? -kennz
CommentsI hate thoes people..... -Crai I'm rather wary of people like that.. cause you know deep down there is either A: NOthing , B: some REALLY fucked up repressed emotions/stuff or C: a nuke thats barely holding together. and that one day may be on the news in police issue jewelry while corpses/ parts or carted out. -Harm Followed by the obligatory comment that the news crew gets from their neighbor, "But I just can't believe it. They were always so nice!" -Voz I dont get many of those but I know of one person like that in real life. She does ring announcing for a bad independent pro wrestling promotion. Even when announcing really serious match stipulations, she announces it with such glee and chipperness...freaky. -KrazerKap I'm usually that person, when I'm talking to my cable company, my hottie neighbour upstairs or sweet talking my best friend into cooking dinner for me. but other than that I'm me. -AdmiralLaurie That sounds like any generically positive person (under certain circumstances). Me, I gotta put a professional face on for the job, not just a professional voice anymore. Come the AM, the not-morning people come in, and I'm running on eight hours of caffeine. Yawns or no, GOOD MORNING!!!! Such is the effect of the (over)caffeinated on the un(der)caffeinated.... ;P -MadJack Madjack- isn't that just enhanced by walking out the door in the morning, saying, "Well, _I'm_ going home now!" You know, just to rub it in... -Voz weeeehhhh.. Look is that blood? yey!! I'm bleeeding..... I'm Happy.. Yey!! Yey!! Jumps round and round and round and round and round!! -kennz
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text:
This is the 2006 party affiliation of the 109th Congress, 2nd Session (435 representatives: 231 R, 201 D, 1 Ind. and 2 vacantseats). The theme being the canceling-out of most of the body through strict party-line voting; the depiction of the handful of votes that constitute the rule of the majority and the overall loss of civility in civil discourse.
- Merit Award Bloomington Art Center, Bloomington, Minnesota;31st Annual Members Juried Arts Exhibition,June 2007.
- Shown at the Minnesota Museum of American Art, St. Paul,Biennial 3D II, November 2007 – February 2008 and reviewed by Mary Abbe in Minneapolis StarTribune.
Honesty Detail
Untitled (Elegy to Sandy Hook)
Not Getting Better
The Internet
The Internet, Detail
War on Terrorism
House Divided (109th Congress)
House Divided (109th Congress) Detail
Bitter Pills (Recession '08)
Bitter Pills (Recession '08) Detail
Grandma's Pills
Grandma's Pills Detail
Recession Blues
Job Search
White Lie
The Bath of Truth and Falsehood
Truth Went Naked
The Leak
The Daisy and the Thistle
Battle of the Sexes
Lovers by the Lake
Peace Piece
Visualize Peace
Valentine 2000
Valentine (Lips)
Kiss One
Kiss II
Kiss III
Anniversary Swim
Nude Bather Rinsing Suit
Floral Bath
Milk Bath I
Milk Bath II
Family Matters
The Rape of the Sabines
The Man in the Golden Helmet
Model Wife
Couple Coupling I
Couple Coupling II
Couple Coupling III
Desire and the Comforter
Despair II
Artiist's Palette
Leda and the Swan
Vatican City, 1989
Pantheon, Paris, 1990
Cimiez, France, 1990
La Foundation Maeght, 1990
Louvre, 1990
The Death of Christ
Dove of Peace
Screaming Head #15
Weeping Woman
Stations of the Cross, #1 Jesus is Condemned to Death
Stations of the Cross, #2 Jesus Takes Up His Cross
Stations of the Cross, #3 Jesus Falls the First Time
Stations of the Cross, #4 Jesus Meets His Mother, Mary
Stations of the Cross, #5 Simon of Cyrene is Forced to Take Up the Cross
Stations of the Cross, #6 Veronica Wipes the Face of Jesus
Stations of the Cross, #7 Jesus Falls a Second Time
Stations of the Cross, #8 Jesus Meets the Women of Jerusalem
Stations of the Cross, #9 Jesus Falls a Third Time
Stations of the Cross, #10 Jesus is Stripped of His Garments
Stations of the Cross, #11 Jesus is Nailed to the Cross
Stations of the Cross, #12 Jesus Dies on the Cross
Stations of the Cross, #13 The Body of Jesus is Placed in the Arms of His Mother
Stations of the Cross, #14 Jesus is Laid in the Tomb
Good Friday

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Funky, From Now On
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ENGLISH EDITION. Beyond all the crowd-pleasing concerts and the stage props, this is the inspiring story of someone who is now a top performer in the field of Christian music. On these pages you will find the secret details that have not been revealed until now about the successful musician who learned by the hard knocks and failures of life to become a man who influences the masses.
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This is a story that will not leave you indifferent. You will identify with each one of the details, anecdotes and episodes in the life of Luis Marrero, better known as "Funky." In this book you will find that behind his greatest achievements there are great stories that few people know about. In his honest way, Funky will take us to the most intimate places of his heart, his family and his dreams. "From Now On: The true story of Funky" is a book that will confront you and challenge you to understand and continue along the paths that God uses to take us to our destinies.