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Sometimes it's OK to take candy from strangers.
Giant Waves
Chandler Howell has a great post about giant waves. He quotes extensively from "Monster Rogue Waves" at Damninteresting:
More recently, satellite photos and radar imagery have documented the existence of numerous rogue waves, and it turns out that they are far more common than previously thought. During a three-week study in 2001, radar scanning detected ten monster waves in a 1.5 million square kilometer area. Satellites and direct observations have also established that rogue waves can happen anywhere, but they are most numerous in the North Atlantic and off the western shore of South Africa. In spite of their frequency, monster waves rarely meet with sea vessels because they are so short-lived.
He has interesting things to say about the waves and risk management, and I'd like to tie in my current thinking on breach analysis. The wave of reports about how people lose control of data entrusted to them is rocking some boats, and sinking a very few. As we get more and more data, we'll be able to better analyze it, and focus our risk management techniques better on what matters most.
Speaking of the effects of naval risk management, don't miss Nick Szabo on Genoa.
The Hugo Chavez Test for Voting Machines
At first I thought that the stories around Sequoia Voting Systems and Smartmatic having connections to Hugo Chavez were silly. I still do think that, but I also think that they're coming out for an important reason: we have lost trust in the machinery of voting, and that is a criminal shame.
The right to vote, and to have one's vote counted is fundamental to how and why we accept our government, even when it makes colossal mistakes. This is an ideal which people around the world recognize and aspire to. The imprint of legitimacy which an election confers on a leader is important enough that even the Soviets faked elections so they could claim that mantle.
If we had voting systems that were trustworthy, transparent and understood by those operating them, then we could buy our voting machines from Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and not have to worry a lot about it. We do not, and cannot. We have transitioned from paper ballots and their understood problems into a brave new world of computerized and untrustworthy voting systems, and we are poorer for it.
I propose we call this the Hugo Chavez test, and see how all new voting technology fares under the test. We could realistically consider buying paper ballots, punch cards, or other verifiable voting technologies from the Chavez government, and be reasonably confident in our ability to test them and be sure we were getting what we specified. (I'm confident someone will point out an exceptionally clever trick, so read the comments.) I'm also confident that we can't say the same of any computerized system on the market today. Our ability to audit them is simply too lacking, and the skills to do so too rare.
The photo is Malcom X, because we sometimes forget that within living memory, not all Americans had a right to vote. We forget that that right was important enough for Malcom X to declare 1964 might be be the "year of the ballot or the bullet." That the ballot is so powerful that men ready to commit acts of violence could be placated by giving them the right to vote. It's an important right, and the value of trust that our votes are counted accurately and securely is nearly incalculable.
While We're Talking TSA
"Airport ID programs plagued by delays," "Newarks screeners might just suck," "TSA delays cargo worker background checks " and finally, "To the hassles of air travel, add $1.4 million in fines:"
Passengers can be fined for their actions too. For example, "interference with screening" that includes physical contact could cost a traveler $1,500 to $5,000, and "non-physical contact" $500 to $1,500.
In reviewing incident reports, TSA officials consider factors such as whether the passenger tried to conceal the item or the "attitude of the violator."
I'd ask what "non-physical contact" entails, but I'm taking TSA's advice and "try[ing] not to over-think these guidelines."
Like the posters say: "Thoughtcrime doesn't pay. Don't fuck with TSA."
Update: don't miss "Arrested in ATL-plastic bag too big."
On Printing Boarding Passes, Christopher Soghoian-style.
Yesterday, I blogged about Christopher Soghoian's print your own boarding pass tool. Quite a few people (including the FBI) are taking the wrong lesson from this. Wrong lessons include "we shouldn't be allowed to print boarding passes," "we should check ID at the gate," and "Christopher Soghoian should be arrested."
The right lesson is that the TSA is putting us all through a silly wringer based on an ID system they know is so porous as to be irrelevant. Much like they did with the "imminent threat" of "liquid bombs" wherein alleged conspirators didn't have passports, the powers that be are responding with theater, rather than saying "it doesn't matter."
If we wanted useful screening, we would screen passengers at the door of the plane, like they do in, say, the Czech republic. It's too expensive. We might consider more air marshals. It's too expensive. Removing a line of seats, and making the flight deck a larger area, with a sealed off washroom and kitchen. It's too expensive. And frankly, there are much better ways to spend our money, including leaving it in the hands of the taxpayers. I digress.
There's nothing in the print your own boarding pass that needs fixing, except bad and expensive theater. Let's fix the problem by admitting that ID checking does no good, rather than acting all shocked at the power of a good demo.
"You're doing a heck of a job, Kip"
Sure, it's all over the web, but you might be living under a rock, or in a reality-free zone, and have missed "Make Your Own Fake Boarding Pass" at 27b/6.
The short version of the story is that someone has automated the process of creating your own fake boarding passes. Don't worry, though, Osama isn't on the no-fly list, so you can get through security with one of these.
As I mentioned in "What Did TSA Know and When Did They Know It," TSA has known about this since at least February of 2004. If the no-fly list means anything, then they should have responded at least as effectively as they have to the whole "liquid bomb" scare. That they have not would be recognized and addressed if we had any effective oversight, or managerial accountability in the executive branch.
Risk Management Redux
Earlier this week, Mike Rothman took a swipe at Alex Hutton's What Risk Management Isn't by saying:
But I can't imagine how you get all of the "analysts and engineers to regularly/constantly consider likelihood and impact." Personally, I want my firewall guy managing the firewall. As CSO, my job is to make sure that firewall is protecting the right stuff. To me and maybe I'm being naive and keeping the proletariat down, but risk management is a MANAGEMENT discipline, and should be done by MANAGERS.
I have to disagree here. Risk management in the end is the responsibility of management and as such the final decision belongs to them. But how can I as a manager make the right decision and know that a firewall is protecting the right stuff, if my team isn't well educated on what the risks are? How am I supposed to make the right decisions if don't know what the issues are? I need to have a staff of analysts, architects and engineers that I can trust to be regularly analyzing and evaluating the systems, applications and networks, so I can make the right choices or recommendations. I don't need someone who blindly follows a help desk ticket. I don't know a single CSO who wants to be micromanaging those sorts of decisions.
Health Care Privacy
Bob Sullivan has an article at Red Tape, "Health care privacy law: All bark, no bite?" and focuses on the lack of penalties.
Two years ago, when Bill Clinton had heart surgery performed in New York's Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center, 17 hospital employees — including a doctor — peeked at the former president's health care records out of curiosity. Earlier this year, Boston-based Brigham and Women's Hospital repeatedly faxed patient admission sheets to a nearby bank by accident. The faxing continued even after bank employees warned the hospital. In Hawaii, Wilcox Memorial Hospital lost a thumb drive containing personal information on every one of its 120,000 current and former patients.
None of the institutions involved in these incidents has been fined under the highly touted medical privacy law, known as HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act).
"Since our compliance effort began we have resolved thousands of cases through corrective actions," said a spokesman for the agency, who asked not to be identified because of agency policies. "We believe it's inappropriate and misleading to focus exclusively on lack of monetary penalties as a measure of the degree of compliance."
A process of informal resolutions from the agency, spurred by consumer complaints, has been well-received by health providers, who quickly amend their faulty processes, he said. "Those resolutions bring the benefits of the privacy rule to consumers much more quickly than the adversarial process of civil monetary penalties," the spokesman said. "It encourages cooperation."
I'd like to ask two questions:
First, this means complaints are dropping, right, because there's a measure of compliance, and complaints are going down?
Second, what would it take to get the agency to fine people?
PS: I've covered this before, in "Medical 'Privacy' 'Law.'" 3 Monkeys photo by xericx
Congratulations to Counterpane and Bruce Schneier
Even though Chris got the news before me, I wanted to add my congratulations. I was involved in Counterpane very early, and made the choice to go to Zero-Knowledge Systems. I stayed involved on the technical advisory board, and was consistently impressed by the quality of the many Counterpane employees and executives who I met. I had to leave the TAB when I joined Microsoft, but, regardless, I'm really happy for everyone involved.
BT buys Counterpane
And so it continues….
Reuters has a few details.
Unsurprisingly, Bruce Schneier also has a blog entry up on this.


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The Ninja Mega Kitchen System 1500, by Euro-Pro Operating LLC, is the most complete and affordable professional high speed blender system, available for under $300.
The Ninja is a high speed blender, food processor and makes pizza dough in seconds.
Let's see if it lives up to the hype .
We bought our Ninja Mega System at Target on a whim when we saw it on sale. This is by far most powerful high sped blender we have ever used, since it functions as the four most widely used kitchen appliances in one package.
This powerful high speed blender packs a whopping 1500 Watts, a powerful 2 Horse Power motor, and spins up to 24,000 RPM. This is a far comparison to most traditional blenders that spin at about 8,000 RPM.
After spending some time putting our Ninja Mega Kitchen through it's paces, I am writing this fair and unbiased review of the Ninja Mega Kitchen System to share with you the benefits and drawbacks, the good and the not so good of this popular high speed blender.
Let's get into my review of the Ninja Mega Kitchen System.
The Ninja Mega Kitchen System is a 4-in-One Blender
The Ninja Mega Kitchen System is a 4-in-One blender that includes the features of your most frequently used kitchen appliances in one convenient, space saving and affordable kitchen appliance:
- Mixer
- Blender
- Juicer
- Food processor
With the Ninja Mega Kitchen System 1500 you get the following features in one:
√ High Speed Blender with 1500 Watts, 2 HP and spins up to 24,000 RPM.
√ You get a juicer that rivals the best juicers on the market, and makes your favorite single serve drink in seconds.
√ Makes dough or batter for bread, pizza, cookies or cakes as well as that expensive stand mixer.
√ You get a food processor that mixes, blends, chops, minces and emulsifies your ingredients
√ Makes delicious and nutritious frozen beverages, including fruit and vegetable smoothies, protein shakes, frappes, slushies, or even your favorite adult beverages.
With the Ninja System 1500 you get the four most important kitchen appliances in one complete system for the cost of just one of these kitchen gadgets, and since you get everything in one package, you'll save loads of space on your kitchen counter or cabinets .
What Comes with the Ninja Mega Kitchen System 1500?
1 – Professional 1500 Watt, 2 Horsepower Base
1 – 72 oz BPA-free Pitcher
1 – 64 oz BPA-free Bowl
2 – 20 Oz Single Serve Cups (BPA-free)
2 – Single Serve Cup lids
1 – Dough Blade
1 – 6 blade Assembly
1 – 4 blade Assembly
1 – Single Serve Blade Assembly
1 – Manual and Recipe Book
Unique Safety Features
The Ninja Mega has some unique built-in safety features designed for your protection and to protect your blender from damage to give you years of use and enjoyment.
» The Ninja blender base has 4 suction cups on the bottom of the base that must be locked down or your Ninja blender will not turn on. The suction cups keep the base from moving on the counter when the Ninja blender is turned on.
» Pushing the lever down to the locked symbol secures the base to any surface, and pushing the lever up to the unlock symbol releases the suction and you can move the blender.
» The 72 oz pitcher and 64 oz Bowl have a locking mechanism on the lid that must be pushed down and secured into the handle or the blender will not turn on.
» Once you unlock the lid by pushing the button on top of the lid, the motor turns off. This prevents the ingredients from splashing out, and to prevent injury to you or damage to the machine.
» You can stop the motor by either hitting the power button on the base, or by pressing lock/unlock button on the lid. Pressing the power button on the base brings the blender to a gradual stop, while pressing the stop button releases the locking mechanism on the lid, and the blender comes to an immediate stop.
Enjoy Healthy Juicing in Seconds flat!
The Ninja Blender , available at Amazon.com, packs 1500 Watts, and spins at up to 24,000 RPM compared to a regular blender that only spins at 8,000 rotations per minute, to completely emulsify, blend and extract the flesh, skin, seeds, pit and stems of the fruit and vegetables.
Now you can create truly healthy and nutritious fruit and vegetable drinks and smoothies for you and your family to enjoy in about 15-10 seconds, since the motor spins at 24,000 RPM to release the hidden vitamins and nutrients that are locked in the seeds, pits and stem.
Just fill the single serve cup with your natural and healthy ingredients, then screw on the lid. Place the cup in the Ninja Mega 1500 base and quick turn to lock it in. Then turn it on and press the Single Serve button on the right end, with the picture of the cup with a straw. This pulses the mixture for about 5 seconds. Due to the 24,000 RPM motor, you only need to pulse it about 1 -2 times and you're done. It's that easy.
Every morning my wife makes a healthy shake to take to work. She puts the powder, fruit, ice and milk in the glass, screws on the lid and puts it in the base. I timed it one morning, and the shake was done mixing in about 7 seconds.
This nutritious shake cost pennies compared to the same size drink at one of those juice bars that costs $3-$4 each.
Makes Fresh Ice Cream
Why spend money on an expensive ice cream maker that can't do anything else, when your Ninja Mega Kitchen System 1500 is the only high performance blender on the market that also makes fresh, delicious and healthy ice cream, without the artificial flavors, colors and unhealthy ingredients found in store bought ice cream, such as partially hydrogenated oils, processed sugar, high fructose corn syrup, carbohydrates and high levels of fat,
Once you taste fresh home-made ice cream made with natural ingredients and fresh fruit in your Ninja Blender, you will never want to eat store bought ice cream ever again!
Make Dough in Seconds
Making bread or pizza dough with the Ninja Blender takes just seconds. Just use the 64 oz mixing bowl and dough hook, which comes standard with the Ninja Mega Kitchen System, to make up to 2 Lbs of fresh bread dough, pizza dough, crepe and pancake batter or even cookie dough in seconds.
Click the image below to watch this Ninja Blender chef make pizza dough in seconds.
Makes Delicious Frozen Beverages
Are you tired of spending $4 dollars or more for a smoothie or frappe? Now you can make healthy and nutritious smoothies or frappes in seconds at home for a fraction of the price of those drinks from local coffee or juice bar. You can also make delicious adult beverages, including margaritas.
The Ninja Mega is also a Food Processor
Why clutter your kitchen counter or cabinet with a bulky and heavy food processor? The Ninja Mega Kitchen System is not just a blender, it is also a food processor that rivals the capabilities of those expensive and bulky machines.
This Machine is So Easy to Clean
The 6 blade and 4 blade assemblies can be removed from the mixing bowls for easy and safe cleaning, which is important since the blade assemblies are very sharp. The 64 Oz mixing bowl, 72 Oz pitcher, and blades are dishwasher safe, and should be washed on the top rack only.
This is a distinct advantage over other the Vitamix, which has fixed blades in the bowl or pitcher, that can't be removed and can make cleaning difficult.
No Need for a Tamper
Using a tamper can be annoying when mixing ingredients. With many other blenders, including the Vitamix, you often have to use a tamper to push ingredients down so they can be fully mixed. This is due to the blade configuration, and the sharpness of the blades.
A tamper is not needed with this Ninja Professional Blender, since the patented cyclonic mixing action forces the ingredients down into the blades to completely chop, mix or pulverize the ingredients in seconds.
You can actually watch the ingredients being sucked down towards the blades as it mixes.
What are the Cons of the Ninja Mega Kitchen System?
There are a few negatives of the Ninja Mega System I have experienced:
- The Ninja Mega Kitchen System is a little bit loud.
- It can blend ingredients for soup, but can't heat soup in the pitcher.
Ninja Blender vs Vitamix
When comparing the Ninja Blender vs Vitamix, you are looking for the best high speed blender, and the Ninja Mega Kitchen System and Vitamix share the spotlight as the best high speed blenders on the market.
The Ninja Mega Kitchen System 1500 available here, was designed to compete with the popular Vitamix 5200.
The blades on the Vitamix are not as sharp as on the Ninja blender, so you need a tamper to push the ingredients down to be blended. The patented cyclonic mixing action of the Ninja Mega 1500 act as a vortex and actually forces the ingredients down into blades for fast and easy blending, mixing, emulsifying and processing without the need for a tamper.
We looked to Consumer Reports as the best impartial authority that compared both blenders in a series of head-to-head tests.
Except for the Vitamix being able to heat the ingredients into soup right in the pitcher, which is a convenience feature of the Vitamix, both blenders performed equally well on all criteria in the Consumer Reports test, and the Ninja Mega Kitchen System is a better value at $200 or less, vs $400 to $500 for the Vitamix.
What is the Warranty?
The Ninja Mega Kitchen System comes with a standard one year warranty from the date of purchase against defects in manufacturing or parts. You can read the Ninja Blender Warranty here.
Where Can You Buy the Ninja Mega Kitchen System
You can buy the Ninja Mega Kitchen System at many brick and mortar and online stores, yet our research found the best every day price is at Amazon.com. You can also get free shipping when you order here.
Other popular sellers:
Best Buy
Sam's Club
Ken Weiss
Latest posts by Ken Weiss (see all)
- Philips Air Fryer XL HD 9240 Review - April 5, 2019
- Lodge Cast Iron Dutch Oven Review - March 25, 2019
- Le Creuset Enameled Cast Iron Cookware Review - March 15, 2019

subset: commoncrawl


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Health News - Medicine, Diet, Fitness and Parenting from Health News Today
Discover the latest news and video about health. Health News Today covers diet, fitness, parenting, conditions and more.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Papers indicate firm knew possible Prozac suicide risk
(CNN) -- An internal document purportedly from Eli Lilly and Co. made public Monday appears to show that the drug maker had data more than 15 years ago showing that patients on its antidepressant Prozac were far more likely to attempt suicide and show hostility than were patients on other antidepressants and that the company attempted to minimize public awareness of the side effects.
The document was provided to CNN by the office of Rep. Maurice Hinchey, D-New York, who has called for tightening FDA regulations on drug safety.
"The case demonstrates the need for Congress to mandate the complete disclosure of all clinical studies for FDA-approved drugs so that patients and their doctors, not the drug companies, decide whether the benefits of taking a certain medicine outweigh the risks," he said.
The 1988 document indicated that 3.7 percent of patients attempted suicide while on the blockbuster drug, a rate more than 12 times that cited for any of four other commonly used antidepressants.
The document, which cited clinical trials of 14,198 patients on fluoxetine -- the generic name for Prozac -- also stated that 2.3 percent of users suffered psychotic depression while on the drug, more than double the next-highest rate of patients using another antidepressant. Read more…
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Sex Talk Taking Place After the Fact
Too often, the birds-and-the-bees conversation occurs after, and not before, kids start experimenting sexually, possibly in risky ways, reports a study in the January issue of Pediatrics.
This revelation comes despite American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations that health-care providers and parents talk to their kids about sex and sexuality early in life.
"Parents are a little behind the 8 ball. They underestimate their children's sexual knowledge and interest and behaviors," said Dr. Lawrence Friedman, director of adolescent medicine at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine. Read more…
Monday, June 25, 2012
Herbal Medicines for Arthritis Not Backed by Evidence
(HealthDay News) -- There is little evidence to support the widespread use of herbal medicines to relieve the symptoms of osteoarthritis, according to a review of these products.
Osteoarthritis is a painful condition that involves damage to cartilage and other structures in and around the joints, particularly the fingers, knees and hips. It differs from rheumatoid arthritis, which is an immune-based disorder.
Devil's claw, cat's claw, ginger, nettle, rosehip, turmeric, willow bark, Indian frankincense and vegetable extracts of avocado or soybean oils are all among the herbal medicines traditionally used to treat osteoarthritis.
"Unfortunately, a large number of people suffer from osteoarthritis pain," said one expert, Dr. Robert Graham, an internist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City. Read more…
Cardiofy Heart Care Supplement
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Heavy Smoking Tied to Advanced Kidney Cancer
(HealthDay News) -- Smoking increases the risk of advanced kidney cancer, researchers report.
In a new study, a team from Duke University Medical Center reviewed the cases of 845 patients who had had surgery for kidney cancer -- or renal cell carcinoma -- between 2000 and 2009. They found that current and former smokers were 1.5 to 1.6 times more likely to have advanced cancer than nonsmokers.
Heavy smoking (smoking for a longer period of time and smoking more) was associated with advanced renal cell carcinoma. Kicking the habit reduced the risk of advanced disease by 9 percent for every 10 years that a former smoker was smoke-free, the investigators found.
The findings were slated for presentation Sunday at a special press conference at the American Urological Association's annual meeting, in Washington, D.C.
Another study scheduled for presentation at the same briefing found that rates of bladder cancer did not fall along with lower rates of smoking in the United States. Read more…
Cardiofy Heart Care Supplement
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Another Blood Fat Fuels Heart Attack Risk
A Danish study finds an increased risk of heart attacks in people whose genes give them high blood levels of a cholesterol-related blood fat, lipoprotein(a), but the researchers say more work is needed to justify treatment to reduce those levels.
"We show that those with the 10 percent highest lipoprotein(a) have a two- to threefold increased risk of myocardial infarction [heart attack], similar to that for the highest LDL cholesterol levels," said Dr. Borge G. Nordestgaard, a professor of clinical biochemistry at Copenhagen University, and lead author of a report in the June 10 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association.
However, a large-scale trial is needed to tell whether drugs aimed at reducing lipoprotein(a) (LPA) levels would lower the risk, Nordestgaard said. One compound, niacin, also known as nicotinic acid or vitamin B3, is known to reduce LPA levels, he said. Read more…
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Bipolar Disorder Might Be Overdiagnosed
They found that fewer than half of patients previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder were assessed using a comprehensive psychiatric diagnostic interview -- the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-IV (SCID).
Recent reports suggest that under-diagnosis of bipolar disorder may be an issue, while this study indicates that there's an equal or greater problem with overdiagnosis, the study authors said.
They looked at 700 psychiatric patients who were interviewed using the SCID and completed a self-administered questionnaire between May 2001 and March 2005. The questionnaire asked patients if they'd been previously diagnosed with bipolar or manic-depressive disorder by a health-care professional. Read more…
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Enriched Skim Milk Good for Gout, Study Suggests
The new study included 120 patients who had experienced at least two flare-ups in the previous four months. They were divided into three treatment groups that consumed either lactose powder, skim milk powder or skim milk powder enriched with glycomacropeptide (GMP) and G600 milk fat extract (G600).
Gout, a common form of arthritis, is caused by uric acid buildup in blood. Often, the big toe is the first place where gout strikes. Previous research has shown a higher risk for gout among people who consume fewer dairy products, and earlier work suggested that GMP and G600 tone down the inflammatory response to gout crystals.
The powders were mixed in roughly 8 ounces of water as a vanilla-flavored shake and consumed once a day. The patients recorded their flare-ups and went to a rheumatology clinic once a month. Read more…
Health Begins In The Colon
The REAL Secret to Health is Finally Revealed! Did you know that disease starts and health begins in the colon? You can read more about how to better your health in Dr. Group's exclusive book


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Archive for the 'Slice of Life' Category
All the Way to Bag EndPosted: March 12, 2013 in Rambling, Rhapsody of Art, Slice of Life
Tags: carryall, grenade, Jakes Davis, lady bag, Miral, rpg, shoulder bag, zombie, zombie apocalypse
Web Diary: CakesposéPosted: January 29, 2013 in Rambling, Rhapsody of Art, Slice of Life
Tags: cake, Jake, Jakes Davis Akkara, pat a cake, webcomic
Desert RosePosted: October 28, 2012 in Rhapsody of Art, Slice of Life
Tags: arab, desert, desert rose, dream, layla, majnu, rikesh, rose, shoufa, statue
Of Population Explosion and Shining VampiresPosted: June 9, 2011 in Rambling, Slice of Life
A few of you must have read my previous posts; a very few of you, I would guess. You must have come across the post about me bashing our very Indian infatuation with anyone who isn't an Indian. If you remember I wrote about a train journey, in this update I'll elaborate on that point.
Indian Railways is one of the most extensive rail networks in the world and naturally it occupies a very important part of our lives. It helps us move from point A to point B. And you know, what's the best part? It's cheap. This means, it must occupy a VERY important part of our life.
The western railway is run by the most misanthropic specimen of human beings. Especially the guys who arrange my seat numbers. I can assure you, there is some sort of conspiracy against me. For some reason, I always end up with a seat smack in the middle of those surrounded by senior citizen seats.
Its inexplicable and inescapable.
Except once. The only exception in the eight journeys that I have had so far. That is what I have written about.
I stepped into the compartment in Kurla Station, Mumbai (The train was due for Trivandrum). I was one of the first ones to do that, so the whole place was really quiet. I didn't have to go far to find my seat. It's one of those seats that no one ever misses. If you have travelled long distance in the Indian railways, and have used its beautiful toilet services then you must have noticed that whenever you enter or leave the AC compartment and step out, there's a side bunk placed right beside the door, against which you will inevitably crash your door. That too with a loud sound; to the lasting inconvenience of the woe besotted passenger in that particular seat.
I had never really thought about that seat before, but now that I did, the gravity of my situation hit me like a wave. But I am a young man, with the fire of youth in my eyes and 'Catch-22' in my hand. I decided to quench my fire on the book. Provided the book is engrossing enough, I believed I could tide through any sort of disturbance.
That was where I was wrong.
Catch-22 is a very different kind of book. It's a war book, based on the Second World War. Yet, its not about fighting. It's more psychological, but very subtle. Hiding all the madness behind a façade of dark humour. I was positively intrigued.
And then I snapped out of it. The door was flung ajar, and in walked a family. It wasn't just any bloody family. It was BIG family. They were followed by their relatives from their maternal side, their paternal side, from left side, from right side and every other side that God deemed uncouth for Man. Loudly, with a lot of excessive laughter and boisterous posturing; they occupied three cabins including the one I was cowering in.
They had lots of kids. Too many for my liking, or for that matter the census taker's. One of the little bastards decided that he was going to be a pain and loudly occupied my berth. Confining me to the smallest space, he ran amuck on my seat, carefully trampling my precious luggage.
"Chhokra chhe (he's just a boy)!" an obese woman, who I suspect was the mother, explained. I think she was trying to be apologetic, but I am not sure, because she was affectionately petting that imp on his head.
I threw myself back into the books, hoping that my surroundings would soon disappear and that I would find myself in the grim world of Joseph Heller. But that wasn't to be. That bas… that kid, snatched the book from my hand, and started dancing around with it. I was aghast. No one would do such a thing to me in my home or even my hostel, because if there's one thing I expect from this world, which is to leave me alone when I am engrossed in a book.
But this was neither my home nor my hostel. It was a beady eyed brat, grinning like an imp who was dancing with my book held out like bait for me.
I snarled and snatched the book out of his hand. Apparently I intimidated the kid with my lightning fast reflexes (or maybe my face), because the little thing started wailing. Not crying, mind you. Wailing.
"Soo chhe? (What)" the obese woman, towered over me, scowling . All my manly bravado withered away before this massive monument to motherhood. "He took my book…" I whimpered pathetically. "Su chhe, baby (What happened, baby)?" she then asked the kid, in a maternal tone. The little twerp pointed at the book, and mewled something to the effect that he wanted it. "Give it to him for some time." She said, as if that's the most reasonable thing uttered since Adam bit the Apple. "What?" I asked, just to be sure.
Soon, I was sitting in the extreme corner of my seat, glaring at the kid, who was fanning himself with MY book. The rest of the people, who were one BIG HAPPY family, were busy singing songs together.
"Pankhiraa tu urirajajo… Pawagarh re!"*
With so much screeching, I was sure that I was going to die. I mean there is nothing wrong with the song. But obviously, there must be reason as to why singing has become a profession. This was definitely going to be my worst railway experience, but what happened next was what would be called a divine intervention by a theist, or the law of averages by an atheist.
An old man, fit to be in a museum, stepped in.
"Arre! Kem chho, Jignesh-bhai? (How are you, Jignesh?)" someone shouted from an upper berth.
"Jignesh bhai! Oh, dekh ne, Jignesh bhai!(Look, its Jignesh!)" recognition dawned on the rest.
" Tame kem chho? Majama chhe, ne? (How are you? Are you okay?)"
And they cackled back and forth.
I was relieved that the noise had stopped, that opened up a lot of opportunities. So I did a favour to myself and dozed off in a while.
At length, I was woken up unceremoniously. It was the same fat woman. But uncharacteristically she was smiling at me and in her hand there was an open sweet box. "Chahiye (Want one)?" she asked me. Sensing something afoot, I declined.
For a moment she was taken aback, probably wondering how a person could refuse an open box of sweet. Then she composed herself and pointed at the old man, who had just walked in. "You see, Jignesh bhai there, na?" she said.
"Well you see," she continued in her most reasonable voice, "Jignesh bhai is very old. And he is three compartments away so we were wondering whether you …."
I had got the gist as well as an escape route.
I imperiously snatched the book out of the little monkey's hand and readied my luggage. "Thank you, beta. Bhagwaan tumhara bhala kare (May God bless you)!" she said, wearing her most genial fake smile, reminding me of a toad while she was at it. To say the truth, I was glad to exchange places with the old man. Couldn't wait to get away from the place. And seeing the relief on the faces of my co-passengers, I could see that they were glad too.
I muttered savagely as I dragged my overfilled suitcase through moving compartments, all the while tripping everyone all over my luggage. Three compartment away was no joke. I was totally exhausted by the time I reached the place.
In the meantime, I realized that I would rather travel surrounded by old people, than with family that wasn't mine. At least the elders gave me enough room to exist. That and the silence. If you want peace of mind, then travel around old people take that from me (an experienced traveler in my own right). They may occasionally get curious and ask personal questions, but if you can deflect that, the journey will be as smooth as butter.
I stumbled into the section and was annoyed to see the two part curtain drawn fast together. I dropped my luggage in an attempt to do the curtains apart, the whole time cursing the elders' need for privacy. What exactly would they be doing behind curtains anyways? I rolled my now eyes as the curtains came apart.
I nearly fell face down.
Five of the six berths were occupied by beautiful girls. Two of them in the lower berths were fast asleep. One in the middle berth was softly head banging to some loud Indie pop music. The other one in the middle berth was busy messaging on her phone. The one in upper berth was busy reading a book.
I could have cried with joy, if it wasn't considered lame given the scenario. This was heaven!
I had been standing and staring for quite some time, and they were looking at me curiously. "I ..uh.. I ..the upper berth is mine." I said, feeling like an idiot. The girl who was listening to Indie pop asked, "What's your seat number?"
"43…wait, that was the old one….uhh…15 ..no, 16!" I said.
The girl on the upper berth sat up and said, "Then that would be….." she looked around thinking.
"The one you are sitting on." I said, feeling like drowning in a pool of embarrassment.
"Oh right." She said, and leaped over to the other berth.
I scrambled over my berth and for some time I just stayed like that. I felt highly self conscious, aware even of the hair moving on my hands. There was no sound except that of the all girl band playing something about 'all revolution – girl style'. The lone guy in a girl bastion.
When the inactivity became too stifling and obvious, I decided that the world of Joseph Heller would be much more accommodating for me. So I started flipping through the pages of Catch-22 and quite soon I was lost.
The Catastrophe
It was some three hours when I realized I was parched. So I called out to the railway attendant who was hawking cold drinks. But the man with imperial high handedness disregarded me and walked away. Cursing the man and my luck, I wondered when that guy would backtrack and I get a precious water bottle.
"You want some water?" the 'book girl' said, offering her water. She was a pretty girl, and difficult to say no to.
I gallantly refused, but then considered it and took it anyways. I took a gulp and returned it to her. But she said it was okay.
I twiddled around with the bottle cap wondering what to say next.
"So," I said, trying to start a conversation, "may I see, what book are you reading?"
"Sure." She said, smiling.
I took the book ….and nearly dropped it. It was a black book, and on its cover it proclaimed, "New Moon by Stephanie Meyer". The girl beamed at me.
"Nice…" I said, I heard the book is pretty decent. I wasn't lying but that wasn't the whole truth.
"Really?" she said incredulously, "This is the first book I am reading."
"Umm..but isn't this …like… not the first book?" I asked.
"Nope," she said excitedly, "but I just saw the movie and I was like wow!"
Dramatic pause.
A little bit of me died inside.
"Oh…." I said. My hand was clammy with sweat.
"Have you seen the movie?" she asked, smiling broadly.
"No." I replied delicately.
"You should watch it." She said with finality. "The movie is just awesome. I was like totally in love with the guy who played Edward…what was his name..?" she wondered.
"Robert …Pattinson I believe…" I said in a hushed voice, wishing I hadn't.
"Oh yeah that." She said, "Have you seen the movie?" her tone betrayed her suspicion.
"No!" I said quickly. "No…."
"Whatever," she continued, she said tucking her pwetty hair behind her pwetty ears, "the movie was awesome, the actors
were great! The movie was fabulous yaar. So much mature than Harry Potter or Lord of Rings. Epic romance, yaar."
I wanted to run. I absolutely had to preserve my sanity.
"'The' … 'the rings'." I tried to correct.
"What?" she asked.
"Never mind." I said. "Edward, the shining vampire." I added snidely.
"Yeah," she said, unaware of the sarcasm. "Totally awesome guy. You into vampire books?" she beamed.
I debated with myself whether I should tell her something about Anne Rice, but then thought otherwise. She wouldn't know anyways. And I was tired and my head was throbbing. I had enough of shining vampires and over extended families for a lifetime.
I excused myself and proceeded towards an extended nap. I needed it. There is no trouble big enough that you couldn't sleep through. But that was going to be difficult since someone was playing a Riot grrl band and the screams of "Double dare ya…triple fuckin' dare ya..!" was now getting to my head.
* the translation is something like: 'The bird flying over Pawagarh….' and so on. It's a beautiful folk song FYI.
PS:I didn't make the poster below, but thought it nicely summed up what i was thinking.
Misadventure of Scrambled Eggs in IIM-KPosted: January 25, 2011 in Slice of Life
The class room seemed like new-age stuff, what with air conditioners and all, sitting places arranged like a Greek theatre, the place seemed more like a mini-concert hall than a class. I sat on one of the revolving chairs meant for the students, staring at the paper that I held in front of my face. I wasn't reading it though; I was using the paper as a cover to steal glances at the beautiful girl with waist-length hair who sat somewhere in front. I closed my eyes for a bit. The slow breeze from the air conditioner had a soporific quality about it, which I enjoyed.
The class room was filled with people who were busy scratching away at their respective question papers, the same version of which so uselessly was held in front of my face. My partner (who does not wish to be named and who was sitting beside me the whole time) asked me what I thought about the paper. Not sure about what to reply, I felt its texture for a bit and finally looked at its contents.
The title said 'Wordly Pleasures' and its opening lines was a verse from the Bible. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1 ". In the meantime my partner, a good catholic, was getting very restless due to my inactivity. So since he did not wish to be named, for all practical purpose, let us call him 'John' as an ode to the good verse.
Its cultural festival time! Nearly every half decent college in India arranges for its cultural festival around January and December. Indian Institute of Management of Kozhikode, which is among the top 5 business schools of the country, is no different. Thus Echoes '11 was organized. Cultural festivals are one of the most important ways to buy some precious 'limelight' for your university, hence these festivals are brutishly marketed and advertised. Since we are talking about an IIM, this is even more true.
I did not wish to go the IIM at first, planning to devote the entire weekend to textbook-worshipping. But when 'John' came to me looking for a partner for Word Games in IIM, I thought it was a good opportunity for me to make my mark in an institute of some standing. After all, John is quite a prodigy with words and to pair up with him would enhance my chances hundred-fold. So off we go to IIM.
Me , John, Stein (my roommate) and Joel (a venerable senior) hitched a bus ride from our college to the IIM gate. I walked to the checkpost and was waiting for Joel to catch up, but then Joel went and hired an auto. Hired an auto?! I thought. We were there, right at the gate, why would we need an auto? But Joel was right. Even with an auto-rickshaw it took us a good twenty minutes and we were going uphill.
When I first stepped into IIM-K, I thought we were in a hill resort. I was so used to the forced severity of buildings in educational institutes, that I couldn't believe that IIM actually tried to create a college and ended up with what looked more like a plush hotel. You can get a 360 degree view of the entire Calicut region from various spots in the college. And they were indeed breath-taking. After staying in NITC for one and a half-year, I did not believe that Calicut could look so good.
And then we walked into the registration desk which was being manned (…er… womanned?) by the prettiest girls IIM-K could muster. Joel, a vigorous participant in all IIM events, was well known and all the girls gave him the … well …."full heat" of their hospitality. No offense to the girls in NITC, but spending half a year at my college could leave your eyes thirsty, if you catch my drift. ( I mean no offense, I am sure girls have some choice adjectives for the boys in engineering colleges as well.) One of the girls in-charge of registration asked me, "okay, so now that you have given me your names, I will need a team name." "We need a team name?" I asked, caught off-guard. "Yes." the girl replied with the sweetest of fake-smiles, which was laced with write-it-or-go-back-to the-end-of-the-queue. So like Steve Jobs, I put down the first thing that came to my mind, which was the name of the breakfast I had eaten a while back – 'Scrambled Eggs'.
I doodled something completely random at the edge of my sheet. John, in the meantime, was explaining to me the nuances of the word 'decoupage'. I was not listening, rather I was appraising the vivacious tamil youngster who was my partner. Stealing a quick glance at the pretty-girl-with-cascading-hair who was sitting-somewhere-ahead, I wondered whether there was any chance I could have replaced John with that girl. The thought brought with it a wave of hopelessness, yielding to which I sighed aloud. John, mistaking my sigh for a grunt of approval, quickly wrote down D-E-C-O-U-P-A-G-E on the answer sheet.
To say the truth, we were getting nowhere in the word game competition. John was busy smashing his head on the paper, when I decided to use unconventional means. Stein and Joel were a team, and they were sitting on our right. For the record, Stein is a complete hoe when it came to vocabulary, and Joel is a monster when it comes to word puzzles, together they made a great team (they match each other, even in the height department). So I strain my neck and eyes trying to catch a glimpse of their answer sheet. All I could see was one big jungle of solutions, of which I could make no sense. Disheartened I retreat back to our own answer page, which was rather white. We struggled all over the question paper through the entirety of an hour allotted for it, interspersed with John's usual comments which went along the lines of "Okay, Goswami, we are f*@^#d." Unfortunately, John was right all along.
When the answers were discussed by the organisers, me and John found ourselves with both our head under the desk, trying to drown out all those "Hell Yes!! Another correct answer!" and "I told you that was the answer!". We reconciled ourselves with probably the last position.
Then there was scrabble. Neither me nor John had any clue about scrabble rules. We participated anyways, and deduced the rules while we were at it. John came up with words whose origin I could never guess, but which would never work. For example, he said "Hechsher!" and then would go, "wait, we don't have a 'c'." I would help by pointing out that we don't have an 'r' either. He never did say 'Hechsher', rather a word that I don't remember, mind you. At length, the girl hosting the event announced time up. We go into a flurry of scrabble solving and settle for words like 'And', 'what' et cetra. John suddenly looks up at me and says, " Listen Goswami, times up, but the collector hasn't come here yet, we should think up better …." He is cut short by a tall, imposing IIM-K senior staring down at us. At that moment time seemed to have stopped. Me and John staring at the senior and the senior staring at us with a bored expression. "Oh f*@^#," says John and pleads, "please give us FIVE minutes, why don't you come to us last?" The senior replies dispassionately, "You ARE the last." It was the first time I had seen John plead, no doubt he failed, he should really work on it.
Needless to say, Stein and Joel had had a ball of a time. They got the maximum scores in nearly everything in the scrabble that and the two even qualified into the next round. And thus was closure brought down upon Scrambled Eggs.
End of Present
IIM-K had been a great experience. It was the first time I had seen a college which actually looks good. Looking at the structure itself would influence anyone into taking a shot at CAT. The students are great (and some of them R-E-A-L-L-Y pretty too), the professors are great (one of them judged the debate) and the canteen is great too. It actually served 'food'. If you eat in an NITC mess, your definition of 'food' would change. I don't know about the other IIMs, but students should definitely visit IIM-K.
Health, Mana and NirvanaPosted: October 25, 2010 in Rambling, Slice of Life
This is the story of one of my room-mates. . Its more like a deep insight rather than any story though. Since he did not wish to be named, let us call him Jack.
To put it simply, you don't measure Jack's height or weight. You measure him not in kilograms or meters, but rather in newtons. That's because Jack is less a person than a force of nature. While he is solving puzzles and riddles in a blink, or hooking up with some random girl,or playing DOTA on the eve of the exams, or master-locking the shit out of someone bigger than him …or even while being able to find a clean toilet every single darn time, Jack … is a force.
He is an idea, something like Chuck Norris. If there is something you can't do, Jack can. Want to beat money out of Angshuman ( who is a rather big guy) ? Call Jack. Want someone who'll do your assignments for you in the name of friendship? Call Jack. Want someone to play DOTA with before the exam? Call Jack. Want to rape the funniest joke you have ever heard? Call Jack. Jack is the best friend a guy can possibly have. He wouldn't even mind baby-sitting you and listen to your pointless whinng. If you want, he will follow you to the depths of hell, master-lock Satan and force him to lend you some money while he is at it. Needless to say, but he is probably the most popular guy in the college. Every other guy is a friend of his. So we go like, "Jack, who is that?" Then Jack will say," Oh that? That's a friend of mine …what was his name again?"
His intellectual capacity is humongous. He is at his element when solving puzzles, whether word puzzles or mathematical ones. I remember there being a puzzle which me and Stein were brain-storming over for hours. Jack walks in, sees the riddle, solves it and walks out, leaving us to doubt our IQ level. He doesn't limit himself to his books, but broods over deeper mysteries of the world.
In the world of Philosophy, Jack is the new age Osho. Like a sage, you can find Jack sitting with his blanket wrapped around him, dishing out predictions. For example-" We will get our LAN connection on Friday." "We will not have any exams this week." " there is no homework for tomorrow." and such. How many of them come out to be true are a matter of debate. Yet, with the air of a mendicant about him, if someone has achieved nirvana, its him.
Jack achieving Nirvana and breaking the cycles of life and death
Jack brooding over deeper mysteries of the Universe
PS: I declare this post as largely fictional, seeing that my life is in a danger…
The Battle at HypermarketPosted: October 11, 2010 in Rambling, Slice of Life
There are different kinds of mall in this world. Firstly there is 'The Mall', the one which is large and dominating, casting a long shadow of "western culture" over these impoverished lands, you know, the one with controlled environment (read: air conditioned) and boasting such brands like Dolce & Gabbana, Louis Vuitton et cetra (read: whatever you won't be buying anytime soon). Then there are what are called "Strip Malls". Also reviled as the "Park Malls", sheltering myriads of bargain stores selling chinese products and cheap imitations (you know, the one where you end up buying things from). And lastly, the Discount Malls or the Hypermarkets (if you so prefer). I'll be talking about them in the rest of the post.
So the other day, my dad declared that we will be going to a mall. When my dad says "Let's go to a mall" it normally means we go to this posh mall, and window-shop for two to three hours, eat out and return home. I consider these "outings" a rather pain in the ….ah, well…eyes for one thing, watching all those branded items costing an arm and a leg and more if they choose. Hence I usually end up in a Crossword Store with a book in one hand and an ice-cream in another just to escape the window shopping ritual.
But that day it was to be different. That's because it was a Sunday, for one thing, and we don't go to Inorbit or anything but to an archetypical HyperMarket. You know, hypermarket is like those 7-11 stores or those Big Bazaars mushroomed to the size of a very large mall. And it was a Sunday. The hypermarket had taken the form of a rather obnoxious human ant-hill. The whole place was swarming with people (mostly women) trying to make use of the obscene discount that was being offered in the place (on a socialist note, the same ones which were driving the poor vegetable-sellers out of business). It was kind of ironic to see all those ladies , manicured and dressed up in western style (branded), screaming, jostling and fighting to lay their hands on discounted beans; and swearing like pirates while they were at it. I was unfortunately standing lost, near the vegetable counter, when this fat lady comes and nearly knocks me down. I was holding my ground ( quite literally ) and look up to realize that she probably didn't care as she was too busy putting the potatoes in the basket, all the while competing with other women, who were surrounding the counter like a swarm of hungry piranhas. Of course there was a 30% discount on potatoes that day.
My parents were obviously not immune to the charms of heavy discounts, and so we end up buying a bunch of things that we did not need. And whenever we buy something in a mall, it's a tradition that it is I who end up in the queue in front of the payment counter. And that day, the queue was SO darn epic, that its epicness was solely matched by its own epicness. I stood in the queue for more than an hour.
My family members were kind enough to leave me in the lurch, to go look "whether they have forgotten to buy something". I am left behind wondering who would be paying if my turn comes up. Luckily, that never transpired.
So now, over thirty minutes pass and I am in the middle of my line. In front of me, there's this Gujju family with their three year old daughter, exchanging words in rapid Gujarati and behind me was this little bald guy. Definitely not the kind of company you would prefer to pass an hour with. But Fates have a way to make things interesting.
A hot lady (Note to Stein: she was in her twenties ) walks up to our line pushing her trolley. The queue is pretty long and discouraging. But so are the other queues. She pushes her trolley and brings it close to the Gujju family. She looks around, and spots me looking at her suspiciously. She gives me her most winning smile. What the hell am I supposed to do? I melt. The little girl (the one with the Gujju family) was in the meantime staring up at the woman and bursting spit bubbles. The Hot lady bends down in front of the girl and says, "I am leaving my trolley here, okay?" the little girl bursts another spit bubble. Her parents don't notice anything, being too busy in their conversation. The lady walks away, leaving her trolley behind.
Okay, now what? What the hell am I supposed to do in this situation? The woman is trying to cut in. I was in the queue for past thirty minutes or so. How can I give away my place to an upstart? But then, it was a pretty face that I would have to give way to. And we wonder why Adam ate the apple…..
I spend a while arguing with myself over this, when the lady in question returns. She walks in to the line. "Hey, hey," I said. "you are cutting in." I tell her. She looks at me with a perplexed expression. "Am I? " she asks, smiling in a pretty way. The way she was smiling …..was so pretty, so pretty ……that it was downright devious. I took a moment to realize this but it struck me that the woman knew people thought she was hot, and also knew she could manipulate them. To say the truth, I felt kind of angry that she tried to manipulate me (of all the people). "you obviously DID notice that there's quite a substantial bunch of people behind me ." I said.
The people started noticing. The lady took on a confused look and said ,"I was always here, why don't you ask the little girl." She turns to the girl and asks," wasn't I always here, child?" Everyone around stares at the girl. The little girl bursts a spit bubble.
I laughed a rather overly-mocking laugh and tell her " You are asking a little girl who obviously does not understand what's going on? That's low." Everyone around goes rather quiet.
The lady senses the hostile gazes from the people in my queue and acquiesces. Tucking a strand of hair behind her delicate ears, she played the martyr. "Okay, so it seems you are in a hurry, fine then, go ahead." I must put in, she looked really cute while doing that. Everyone turned and resumed their conversation. Then when no one was noticing, she gave me a rather venomous look, full with hostility. It was only then I realized that I was grinning at her like a village idiot.
And that, as they say, is that. I won the Battle at the Hypermarket, all thanks to the little girl who preferred bursting spit bubbles like a retard and did not bother answering the hot lady and of course, thanks to the middle class Indian crowd which does not like girls in low-neck Ts and tight jeans (rather preferring to portray such specimen as villains in soup operas). I for one realized why I was so unpopular with girls of around my age.
Whats your opinion on L-O-V-E ?Posted: September 28, 2010 in Rambling, Slice of Life
I am an engineering student. I believe that my world is as unforgiving and cruel as the world was in dark ages. Back then I would have to worry about falling on top of the wrong end of a spear, now I have to worry about completing twelve page assignments in less than two hours. But coming to the "fellowship"…the "brotherhood" part, being a male engineering student in my college hostel would most probably mean you are sharing your room with three others. Spending that much amount of time together, you are bound to talk shit with each other. It goes like this – we talk randomly for some time, after that we feel all dopey happy and share an embarrassing secret. Then we go like – (o___o) . You see, that's because men can 'bitch'. People say that 'bitching' is a girly phenomenon. I can assure you that's not true. Telling your secret to one of the guys in my college is same as calling Mike Tyson a "nigger". Except that you don't get raped immediately.
Coming to the original theme of this article, I'll give you some profound insights into the mind of an average nerdy male engineering student. If you came here hoping to get hold of some dating tips, then do send me your photo. I can look at it and have a nice laugh.
So one day, I was sitting and doing my Statistics and Random Variable assignment, when I realized that I would rather do something else. So I start wondering how my roommates would react when I ask them about their infatuations. Each of us had different personalities and we were all engineering students (lol). This was bound to throw up something hilarious. Ergo, I turn to my roommate Avinash, who was busy studying (as usual).
Me: …..so……whats your opinion on love?
Avinash:(turns slowly towards me) ….what?
Me: well…..what do you think about love?
Avinash: ………seriously…..go do your maths, boy.
Me: just tell me will you! Not like you are doing any favours…..
Avinash: (rolling his eyes) since I am NOT going to marry, your question is null and void.
Just so people know, this type of answer is what I call – the Abstinence. Also, notice that I did not say a word about 'marriage'. The subject in question, sticks to the same answer as he would have given before his fifth standard. "ewww….girls". They don't mean any of it, of course. They just want to wriggle out of a possible uncomfortable situation (and blackmail). Consider for a while – this reply, coming from a guy who remains awake till 3 am attending calls from various girls every other day. The Abstinence demands that you roll your eyes and change the topic.
Meanwhile, Stein and Jakes were sitting on the other end of the room, unable to come to a decision as to who picks what hero in DOTA. But hearing my question, Stein leaves his laptop and stares at me expectantly.
Me: (sighing) okay Stein, go ahead tell me what is your opinion on this topic?
Stein: (getting all nostalgic) you see, I truly realized love when I saw Haley. I was in Payon and she was like a gypsy and as she passes me she breakes into her dance and I went like………….(at this point I zone out, I don't remember what I was thinking. Nothing relevant to this topic and definitely unimportant. What I DO remember is that there is a gap in my memory ) …………..then the time when we would spend together in the wilderness and simply sit there for hours and not talk …………(at this point I start rifling through the pages of my maths text book in a vain attempt to dissuade Stein from extending his monologue).
Stein talks for a while, but I don't remember exactly what he says. Whatever it is, this kind of reply would be called – the Shakespearean rant. It's the positive idealistic type, with the description matching something out of a mushy romantic novel. The people who use the Shakespearean rant, are usually the lucky bastards who have girlfriends and are incidentally surrounded by people who don't. And the worst part is that the Shakespearean rant is ALWAYS long. It HAS to be VERY long. Hence it's a rant.
But Stein did not stop there.
Stein: What about you?
Me: What about me?
Stein: Tell us about YOUR beau.
Me: (flustered) the girl I had a crush on was this real smart girl. I mean she was pretty AND smart. But she was dating another guy, so I checked up things on Wikipedia and realized that love is nothing but a hormonal imbalance in the head. I am not going to waste my time on hormones. Meh!
What I used is a famous nerdy tactic called- the Chemical Defense. Its commonly used by unsocial boys and feminists. Since we are an unfortunate lot, and we are asked this difficult question by a guy/girl who has much better luck, we desperately try to gain the moral higher ground by talking biology (which incidentally happens to be a subject an engineering student can't argue about). You know, something like, " Oh! You have a girlfriend, yes? Nice! By the way, are you aware that love is hormonal reaction between pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin? Its like a sort of imbalance." But just so you know, it's lame and it's hogwash. These boys are trying to do the "grapes are sour" charade even while they are slowly dying inside. The usual follow-up for a chemical defense is to quickly change the subject or the focus before the guy who asked us the question can say something condescending.
Me: What about you, Jakes? Tell us about your old flame.
Jakes: who…..me?
Me: ya! Tell us about the first time you felt the fire burning inside you…
Jakes: (starts smiling) I'll tell you. (turns to Stein) dude, you remember that girl from Bhavan's? (takes the name of the girl)
Stein: oh that girl? I thought she was disgusting. I disliked her.
(uncomfortable pause)
Me: …..so Jakes, you were saying……
Jakes: Oh yeah……….one day there was this dance lesson thingy and it was raining HARD. I had to go to the school. And she was there. (dramatic pause). She was wearing this tight t-shirt thing …… and she was all wet……….i think I fell in love……
Ensuing expressions went something like this:
Avinash: D:
Stein: .___.
Me: .___.
Whatever Jakes said, I call it – Caveman's resolution. You see, that's what Jakes is all about. He is one of those people who like to break things down to the basic level. Absolute simplification. These kind of people know exactly what they want, and as they say – they get down to "brass tacks".
Four people with four different answer. That should have given you an insight into the working of the mind of engineering students (of at least four of them). So enjoy, dear reader. Go out to the world, and ask people the same question and when they do answer, you know which type it falls under!
If you have come here because you thought that I would tell you the Laws of Attraction, then you have been disappointed. For the record, I am as unfortunate as you are (especially if you are from NITC).
Other than Jakes' dialogue, the other dialogues were not exactly framed so. I have captured the gist, but don't remember the conversation word for word.
PS: Jakes, I know you are reading this, and DO NOT DENY IT. You know you said it. Btw I left out the name of the girl 😉
PPS: Stein, all in a good faith, buddy. So, don't. you know what I am saying. Please don't.
The Great ExodusPosted: September 25, 2010 in Rambling, Slice of Life
It was an eventful day. It was an election day. Not something too extraordinary. No Congress, BJP or (the more probable one) Communist flags flying anywhere. It was the Student Council election in NIT Calicut. There were two parties, and too much slander flying all over the place. And as is usual with me, I dragged myself out of the bed, and plodded towards the voting booth to exercise my right (meh!) in the great national institute. I selected candidates randomly (as usual again) and clicked on "Vote". As the words "Your vote has been registered" appeared on the screen in front of me, the die had been cast for the coming weeks.
Voting results were declared and I was told that one of the parties was not happy due to loss of some key posts. Not that it matters to me. But it did matter to the bigwigs in that party and they pinned the blame on 2nd and 3rd year mallus (to the uninitiated, mallus = malayalis). Hence we got to see lot of threatening, pushing and shoving going on in front of the MC (Mini Canteen). It was fun to see this huge knot of people randomly swearing and pushing anything around them. It was fun till I was told that the MC will be closed following the disturbances. Seriously, of all the places they had to slug it out, they had to do it right in front of the MC. For a mess-out like me, MC is the life line. Without food (and no valid source of income) I pretty much join the 30% strong Indian population below the poverty line.
Incidents and rumours fly around for days, and more people shove it out in front of the MC. MC gets closed. And I get stranded. I borrowed and ate some Maggie (courtesy Neeraj Salpekar) and ended up in bed for three days with food poisoning. Three days!
While I am shuttling between my room and the toilet, people were sitting in darkened rooms plotting revenge and conspiring against all those who had wronged them. So as ignoramuses like me go about chaffing against assignments and lab works, the battle leaves the streets and reaches hostel rooms.
One day in a Thursday morning, as I am going towards my class, I noticed a lot of students on the street discussing something in hushed voices. When I asked I was told that some guy had been beaten up by some other guys, whose friends were beaten up by the first guys. Whatever it was, I go to attend my classes which usually start at 8 am and go on till 6 pm. But when I did return home from the lectures, I saw the weirdest sight that I had ever seen.
The streets were lined with Mallus running away carrying whatever they could carry. Trolley bags, suitcases, bags ….. the road was overflowing with them and their sense of urgency. To say the truth, it reminded me of the great Exodus by the Hebrew people as told in the Old Testament. My roommates, all of whom are mallus, were busy packing up as quickly as they could. "dude, you better start packing up with us and come to Cochin." said Stein. "Why?" I asked," today is Thursday, why is everyone going away? what about Friday's class?" "Forget about the class," Stein replied," don't you know, there's going to be this big fighting tonight and it won't happen outside. So better get your hands on some clothes and come with me and Jakes to Cochin."
Predictably I refuse. First of all I didn't believe that there actually was going to be a fight and second thing was that I did not want to pass an opportunity of being able to stay alone in the room through a weekend.
All the mallus had left by 6 pm and it was then that you could pretty much taste the tension in the air. People locked themselves up in their rooms, and only spoke in a hushed voice. The whole place was quiet, like the quiet before a storm. And at about 7 pm we received a notice from the director of our institute telling us that the college will be closed indefinitely and that all the boys in 2nd,3rd and 4th year hostels have to vacate their rooms before 10 pm.
My watch told me that we had 3 hours to get myself out of here. But where the hell will I go? You can't just tell us that "you have to leave in 3 hours, college will be closed indefinitely, you have no ticket, very less money, but we don't care" but they did.
I did not have enough money to go to Mumbai, but I did have barely enough to get myself to Bangalore, where my dad was present on an official tour. After intense searching around, I found Shubhangam, Angshuman and Alok. I tagged along with their group, and after some pitched battle for pizza slices, bouncing around in the sleeper seat of a bus for six hours, carrying three 2 litre water bottles for hours, we at last made it to Bangalore. The rest of the group made it to the airport while I rendezvoused with my dad.
After that it was a cake walk back to Mumbai. But surely, if anyone would have told me on Thursday afternoon that on Friday night I will be hammering away at my laptop in my home I would have called him mad. But this world is predictable in a way that it is unpredictable. When you are cast from your everyday routine and are forced to make decisions and try to get the most favorable outcome, you know something different has happening. We had to fight against time and bad luck to get ourselves back home. It was sheer good luck that I reached Alok for the tickets before he was off to buy them and that I tagged along with their. I remember that we had to leave so many people behind because the bus tickets were not available and time was constrained. Before the journey, emptied my bank balance to raise cash, and soon after that the ATM ran dry. There are so many people who were forced to camp (not camp as in putting up a tent, I meant "camping" in lodges and motels) in Calicut. There were people without a ticket and very little money, God knows what's become of them.
All this because that day we clicked on "Vote" and the words "Your vote has been registered" appeared before us. That's colourful Indian democracy.


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The notepad lovers would always agree that the light in weight and sleek looking models never are available without burning a hole in the wallets. Apple's Macbook series and Lenovo Yoga Pro 3 gadgets which are the choice of elite are the best examples. Opportunely, the Asus Zenbook UX305 is lesser than the cost of the average sleek and lightweight notepad in the market.
The Asus UX305 costs $699 and is powered by Intel Core M Y510 chipset. The display of 13.3 inches has a resolution of 1080p. The gadget has a battery life of 10 hours, and it is just 0.48 inch thin. The weight of the laptop is 2.6 pounds, and the finish is classy matte. The higher end model is said to be launched in April.
Higher-end Model
Customers want the gadgets that are light and thin and light on the wallet too. The base configuration, which is at a lighter price


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My Story: Post-Grad Poster
What did you frame and why is it special?
My "For Like Ever" poster was the first piece of art I bought after graduating from college in 2006. I saw it in on the cover of Domino, tracked it down, and have had it with me in every apartment ever since! I framed it myself in a few store-bought frames along the way because it's such a large print and custom framing was too expensive. The most recent frame had fallen apart and it was time to finally have one of my favorite things properly displayed.
Why did you choose your specific frame style?
I selected the "Designer's Choice" option, so I was sent four designer-suggested styles to choose from. Out of those, I thought the Marin frame was timeless and classic, and I wouldn't get tired of it. I also think it has a kind of beachy vibe and complimented the colors in the poster.
Where are you going to hang your final framed piece?
I hung it in the dining/living room in my apartment, where it was before, except now it looks so much better!
What are you excited to frame next?
A friend gave me a really pretty square silk scarf a few years ago. I love it, but it sits in a drawer because I am not sure how to pull off wearing such a thing. That's definitely the next thing on my list to frame soon!


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Featured books by Lane Smith
Reading Rockets recommends the following books by Lane Smith.
A Perfect Day
The day was perfect for cat, dog, bird, and squirrel who wanted nothing more than the warm sun, cool water, seeds, and corn. Each enjoyed their perfection until a large carnivore arrived on the scene! Textured illustrations with a lighthearted text effectively tell the story of a perfect day — at least for one large mammal!
Abe Lincoln's Dream
When Quincy leaves her tour of the White House, she sees a tall man standing over the Gettysburg Address. Quincy shares jokes with the ghost and helps him realize that the states are indeed united. The tall, pale ghost of Abe Lincoln can now rest easy.
John, Paul, George and Ben
Fact and fiction, old and new styles of illustration, wit and seriousness combine in this pithy, lighthearted look at four luminaries in American history. Only mature readers will appreciate the title's name play but are sure to chuckle at the take on John Hancock, Paul Revere, George Washington and Ben Franklin. Fact is clearly differentiated from fun at book's end.
The Happy Hocky Family
Humdrum family activities turn into stand-up comedy in text and illustrations with the understated lines in this parody of the old "Dick & Jane" readers. Newly independent readers will appreciate the short sentences presented in short stories, illustrated to look like books from the 1950s; sophisticated readers will appreciate the spoof.
There Is a Tribe of Kids
A colony of penguins, a pod of whales, a formation of rocks, and other groups of animate and inanimate things bring a lonely child to his own group. The joyful reunion creates a family. Stylized illustrations are rich with humor and liveliness, deserving of many readings.
Books illustrated by Lane Smith
Baloney (Henry P.)
Human kids will understand where little green, freckle-faced Henry P. Baloney is coming from. He's late again, and is sure to serve detention forever if he can't come up with a good excuse for his teacher as to why he's late again. Words Henry uses sound truly alien, but there's enough context to figure out their meaning — and a funny surprise waiting at book's end.
Giraffe Problems
Edward, a giraffe, is ashamed of his long neck until he meets Cyrus, a tortoise who laments he has no neck. This hilarious tale of animals unhappy with their features (and very relatable!) is cleverly told through formal language coupled with well-placed, textured illustrations.
Hooray for Diffendoofer Day!
Rough sketches and ideas by the original Dr. Seuss were completed after his death by a jubilant collaboration between poet Jack Prelutsky and illustrator Lane Smith. Not only will readers glimpse Theodor Geisel's process of creation, they will delight in meeting Miss Bonkers and the Diffendoofer School presented in Seussian text and illustrations that integrate Smith's signature style with familiar Geisel.
Knights of the Kitchen Table
As a gift from his magician uncle, Joe receives The Book setting into motion a series of humorous time travel adventures. Joe and his friends, Fred and Sam, travel to King Arthur's England where they meet dragons, knights, and more in this first Time Warp Trio trip. Smith's black/white illustrations punctuate the action in this fast-paced tale.
Math Curse
The narrator's curse begins when she is told by her math teacher that math is all around. And so it is — including every part of this very funny book as it examines math and its functions. Text and illustration are seamlessly one allowing the book to be appreciated on several levels.
Penguin Problems
A dour little penguin has problems. He doesn't like snow (it's too bright). He can't fly. And he's hungry. A wise walrus reminds him of the beauty all around … but does this appease the penguin? Understated humor in simple, textured illustrations and the penguin's narration create a sophisticated and very funny book.
Princess Hyacinth: The Surprising Tale of a Girl Who Floated
Princess Hyacinth has a truly unique problem. If she doesn't wear additional weights, she'll float off to who knows where! One day, the princess, however, takes off — literally — on her own but is rescued in an innovative way. Comic illustrations combine with an understated text for a very funny and very satisfying resolution.
Science Verse
This boy's curse begins when his teacher suggests that the "poetry of science" can be heard everywhere. From Moore to Frost, familiar poems are parodied and turned into science verse. Again art and illustration are inseparable as are the laughs in this offbeat look at science.
Squids Will Be Squids
Scieszka and Smith set sights on creating fresh fables — short traditional tales intended to teach a moral lesson. With humorous twists and take-offs, new, different and wacky fables are presented for readers' edification and amusement.
The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales
The incomparable author and illustrator team retells traditional tales such as the "Gingerbread Man" and the "Little Red Hen" in inventive and hilarious ways, sure to make readers familiar with the originals laugh out loud. Even the traditional format of the book is changed to suit the absurdity of the new versions, for a memorable reading experience.
The True Story of the Three Little Pigs
The "real" story started when Alexander Wolf sneezed when he tried to borrow a cup of sugar from his neighbor in the straw house.
Proceeds from the sale of books purchased at Amazon.com help support the Reading Rockets project. Thank you!


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Executive Director
Renata Zimany
Our Centers
Tudorka Tots
5040 Mountain Blvd.
Oakland, CA 94619
Tudorka Tots Inc.
12000 Campus Drive
Oakland, CA 94619
Mother of Paige
Tudorka Tots was the first day care we looked at, and we were impressed right away! The center is well maintained, very clean and organized, and they provide wonderful organic meals. We are in the separation anxiety time period, yet our daughter always greets the teachers in the morning with open arms and a smile. We love the infant teachers, and it is clear that she does as well. We have been very happy with our decision.
Mother of Audrey and Henry
There are so many reasons to love Tudorka, My children are nurtured on so many levels: by caring professional teachers, nutritious organic meals, field trips, story time, Music and dance sessions. The low ratio of teachers to children and the fact that both our children can not wait to come to "school" is a testament to quality of care.


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Released today, Oct. 4, 2016!
Author: L.X. Cain
Category: Horror, Mystery, Paranormal, Supernatural, Suspense, Thriller, NA, Urban Fantasy
Category: Horror, Mystery, Paranormal, Supernatural, Suspense, Thriller, NA, Urban Fantasy
Suitable for: Adults
My Rating: 5 Stars
Format Read for Review: ARC
Pages: 284
Description: As a circus moves through Europe a child vanishes from each city they stop in. A self-proclaimed monster and disfigured former strongman, Rurik notices the connection and is forced to investigate his own circus family to prevent any more children from going missing. A young bloodwalker woman, Sylvie, is trying to start a new life but in the process finds herself caught up in the danger, and being hunted by the very people Rurik is after. This is a story of 2 underdog protagonists that struggle to save the day and eventually discover how special they really are.
In Short: If you like urban fantasies, with a mix of supernatural and horror elements and an underlying mystery you will love this book. The story is exciting, unique and very fun to read. There is some gore but not the worst I have read. There is violence, blood and some mutilated bodies are found, just a heads up in case that is a non-starter for you.
Pros: The story follows two different characters in different places who only sometimes overlap but at other times they are experiencing parallel events. The dramatic irony is that they both have seen things and have information that the other could use. This book is very well written and told in a very artistic manner. The setting of this book is really unique, the story has a historical gothic feel to it but it's set in modern times. The culture of the Bloodwalkers is really fascinating. The passages of the 'Bloodwalker's Book' that begin some chapters were really entertaining and even a bit amusing to me, making them a nice reprieve as the book became darker. The story takes a lot of exciting twists, and is very scary at times. For me this book has a dark sense of humor with ironic twists of fate that couldn't help but summon evil chuckles from me. The character development is spectacular. There are a few characters (I wont give away any spoilers but,) they undergo such a wild transformation by the end and you see their true natures. You also get to watch a lot of relationships develop and evolve in a very natural way. The conclusion was also really awesome. It is a perfect stand-alone book, everything is wonderfully resolved in the end.
Cons: I have no notable issues with this book.
Parent's Guide and Trigger Warnings: Violence, blood, gore, and murder of adults, children (the act is not seen) and animals (the act is not seen). NO sexual content. I didn't notice any swearing.
You can win this book in our giveaway contest!
Click Here or click the banner below!
Click Here or click the banner below!


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Colon Cancer:
Equal Opportunity Threat
The third leading cancer in the US now strikes more women than men. Find out
how awareness and lifestyle choices can keep this low profile predator at bay.
May 2006
Darlene Kipling felt like she'd been sideswiped by a city bus when her doctor announced that she had colon cancer. What made the diagnosis even more alarming is that Kipling, a registered nurse, tends to cancer patients for a living. "I really didn't expect it to be colon cancer," she says. "My symptoms were so minor. Probably if I had not been an oncology nurse, I would not have realized I had a problem until much later."
The minor symptom that prompted Kipling, then 52, to see her physician would easily have been overlooked by most of us: a tiny speck of burgundy in her stool. She spotted it once, then again three weeks later. At the urging of her physician, Kipling underwent a colonoscopy (the most comprehensive test for colon cancer), where he discovered and removed three polyps, growths that project from the lining of the intestine or rectum.
Polyps, which grow on a stalk and may appear like a mushroom or a cherry on a stem, can turn into cancer with time. A biopsy of Kipling's polyps determined that two of the mushroom-like growths were, indeed, cancerous.
Kipling was fortunate: The disease was early-stage. Colon cancer caught early can often be cured simply by removing the offending growths, but her doctor opted for a bowel resection, surgery that entails removing portions of the diseased bowel and reattaching the remainder to create a functioning colon. The surgery is significant and not without risks, including infection, abscess, fistula, obstruction and lifetime use of a colostomy bag. Fortunately, she came through it without a hitch.
Had Kipling not been a self-described "stool watcher," she never would have detected what turned out to be a life-saving symptom. If she'd missed the sign, or waited, the symptoms would have progressed and could have included severe abdominal pain, constipation, bleeding and black stools. Early-stage colorectal cancer—which includes cancers of the colon, rectum, appendix and anus—is highly treatable, with a five-year survival rate of 90%, yet only 39% of all cases are diagnosed at this highly curable stage, mostly due to low rates of screening.
"The bottom line for me is that I had the earliest possible form of colon cancer," says an indebted Kipling, who presently works for Cancer Treatment Centers of America at Southwestern Regional Medical Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma. "The lesson is that people need to check their stool."
A Warning for Women
Once considered a man's disease, colon cancer now afflicts more women than men. Colon cancer is the third leading cancer and the second leading cause of cancer death among both sexes in the US, but significantly more women than men are now diagnosed with the malady. The American Cancer Society estimates that 57,460 women will learn that they have colon cancer in 2006, compared to 49,220 new cases among men. Yet the disease continues to be perceived as more prevalent among men.
"It might be a bias in the medical community that we don't think of women as having colon cancer as much as men," says Eliot Edwards, ND, who treats patients at Complementary Medicine and Healing Arts in Vestal, New York and Oneonta, New York. "In general, over the years there's been an inclination in medical research towards looking at men more than women in all areas."
Colorectal cancers develop slowly over years and most begin as polyps, common in nearly half of all adults. Not all polyps are cancerous, but those known as adenomas, which constitute nearly three-fourths of all polyps, have the potential to turn malignant. Although the causes of polyps are not completely understood, these protruding lumps, which may look the same as normal colon tissue or ulcerate and bleed, are widespread in women and men who live in industrialized countries, suggesting that dietary and environmental factors—such as cigarette smoking, obesity and a low-fiber diet high in red meat and fat—are vital to their development. Over time, polyps are more likely to develop into cancer, with more than 90% of cases diagnosed in individuals older than 50.
Just like the plumbing in your house, avoiding a backup in your internal plumbing is crucial to maintaining a healthy colon and preventing the growth of polyps, explains Edwards. "If a person is constipated, metabolic waste is sitting in the colon for an extended period of time. By correcting constipation, it helps to decrease the tendency to develop polyps."
In Edward's experience, constipation is far more frequent among women, which may offer insight into rising rates of colon cancer among the fairer sex. The doctor urges his patients to adopt a constipation-fighting diet low in meat and dairy and high in fiber: "Fiber helps to increase buteric acid, a byproduct of good intestinal flora, which is shown to decrease the incidence of cancer."
Although the landmark Nurses' Health Study did not show a strong direct correlation between fiber intake and incidence of colon cancer, the Harvard School of Public Health, which sponsored the study, still recommends a minimum amount of 20 to 35 grams of dietary fiber per day in the form of fruits, whole grains, salads, vegetables and legumes.
Exercise is another approach to keeping bowels healthy and flowing freely. Numerous studies—including the American Cancer Society's Cancer Prevention Study II and the Nurses' Health Study—found benefits of up to a 30% to 40% reduction of colon cancer risk through carefully measured physical activity. "Exercise has definitely been shown to help in the prevention of colon cancer, as well as decrease constipation," says Edwards.
Eat Well, Live Well
Simply by carrying excess body weight, your chances of developing colon cancer are greatly increased. "Obesity is an independent risk factor for colon cancer," says Pankaj Vashi, MD, gastroenterologist and chief of surgery at Cancer Treatment Centers of America at Midwestern Regional Medical Center in Zion, Illinois. "If everything else is equal, your chance of getting colon cancer is significantly higher if you are obese." The logical way to reduce the risk of developing colon cancer, suggests Vashi, is to initiate a program that incorporates weight loss, dietary changes and exercise.
"In my opinion, the most important thing is diet," says Vashi, who notes that in India, his native country, colorectal cancers are very rare. "That's because 90% of the Indian population, even today, is vegetarian." In some families, genetic factors can predispose members to colon cancer, a syndrome known as familial adenomatous polyposis (FAP), but the majority of colorectal cancers are clearly attributed to lifestyle.
Vashi suggests initiating lifestyle changes before polyps ever have a chance to develop. "The same instructions hold true for heart disease and colon cancer," he says. "A low-fat, high-fiber diet, weight reduction, and obviously avoiding chemical toxins in your body like smoking and alcohol."
It also makes good sense to add a variety of vitamin and mineral supplements to your daily routine. "These are definitely plus points that have been shown to reduce the incidence of colon cancer," says Vashi. Helpful ones include selenium and zinc; calcium may decrease the risk of large colon polyps, reports the Journal of the National Cancer Institute. Studies have also shown the benefits of antioxidants like vitamins C and E, and beta carotene. "We are more on the go, producing more free radicals [which damage cells and can cause cancer], and we need something to reduce this." By stabilizing free radicals, antioxidants may prevent damage that they might otherwise cause.
Screening Time
Since colorectal cancer usually causes no symptoms in its early stages, by the time an individual experiences pain or bleeding the disease is often advanced. Given that 75% of colorectal cancers have no risk factors other than age, both the National Cancer Institute and the American Cancer Society recommend that screening for colon cancer should be part of routine care for all adults starting at age 50.
While there are several methods to screen for polyps, including a stool blood test, barium enema x-ray and sigmoidoscopy, they can be limited in their ability to diagnose colorectal cancers. At the same time, checking your stool or looking for other signs is inadequate, as symptoms come and go, or there may be none at all.
Colonoscopy is the most effective examination because it offers direct visualization of the entire colon and allows the doctor to remove polyps for laboratory analysis. Characteristics, number and size of polyps are easily analyzed under a microscope throughout the procedure. The colonoscopy itself is relatively simple; after being given a sedative and pain reliever, the patient lies on his or her side. A flexible colonoscope is gently inserted and advanced. The most difficult part of the exam, say many, is the preparation, which involves fasting and cleansing the bowel. "Ninety-nine percent of my patients would come back and ask me, 'Are you sure you gave me this procedure?'" says Vashi.
While no one is expected to look forward to a colonoscopy, fear and embarrassment prevent many from pursuing the potentially life-saving exam. Many individuals who should get screened don't, despite the fact that as many as 60% of deaths from the disease could be prevented if everyone over age 50 were checked once every decade. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that only 42.5% of US adults aged 50 or older underwent a colonoscopy or sigmoidoscopy within the previous 10 years. Among African-Americans and Hispanics, screening rates run as low as 28%.
Darlene Kipling, for one, is grateful that she had a colonoscopy. Now cancer-free for 12 years, Kipling has made important dietary changes, including forgoing some favorite foods and cutting back on salt and sugar. "I stopped eating red meat. I had been a very big meat eater and there is a link between red meat eating and colon cancer," says Kipling. "I was a chronic soda pop drinker, and I immediately stopped and began drinking bottled water."
Colorectal cancer may not be polite dinnertime conversation, but maybe it should be. More and more patients have been asking doctors for colonoscopy exams, perhaps accounting for an average decline in deaths from colorectal cancers by 1.8% per year since 1990. Still, nearly 60% of all Americans have never had an exam. "Get yourself screened," urges Vashi. "If that message is spread, then we have done our job."


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|The music of the Batwa survives amidst displacement.
Dir. Daniel Roher
Review By Greg Klymkiw
The Batwa of Uganda have been displaced from their centuries-old ancestral home in the jungle for some twenty five years. They live between two worlds. Forcibly removed (at gunpoint no less) from the natural habitat of the dwindling mountain gorilla population, these people were dumped on the outskirts of the city with no compensation nor training to prepare them for a way of life in diametric contrast to the one they knew. They have suffered prejudice, poverty, substance abuse, exploitation and Christian colonization.
Their land is now a national park and they are not allowed to enter the lush forests without permission. Some even have official sanction to take white tourists into the park on tours in which they reenact the way of life of these gentle, pygmy tribes. What the Batwa retain is music - singing is their very soul and now they hope to use it to educate younger generations of Batwa in the history and culture of their people, but most importantly to expose their plight to the rest of the world.
Daniel Roher's fine documentary Ghosts of Our Forest is as sad and haunting as it is joyous and uplifting - his deft natural filmmaking instincts allow us to have our cake and eat it too.
The primary focus is on the Batwa Music Club as the prepare for a big concert in Kampala. Whether the group is practising or delivering the film's climactic live performance, the film allows us to soar with these brilliant musicians as they fill our hearts with the sheer beauty of their people and historic way of life.
We must pay a price for this joy, however, and the film presents a series of harrowing interviews in which we learn about the suffering of the Batwa. One story is especially chilling; an old woman describes how she was collecting dead firewood on the edge of the forest when she was approached by park rangers who beat and tortured her. If it hadn't been for the quick thinking on the part of a farm boy who witnessed the brutality and sounded an alarm to the rest of the Batwa community, she would have been dragged deeper into the forest and executed.
This is but one of several sad stories related. Roher spends a good deal of time letting us in on the former way of life these people had in their jungle paradise; much of this is extremely joyous and deeply contrasts the present conditions of the uprooted Batwa. He even points his cameras in the direction of the gorillas who now live alone in the forest. We realize how the Batwa and gorillas would have co-habitated in peace for so long and that the government's forcible removal of these people was cruel and frankly, just plain stupid.
And then there are the "ghosts", the ancestors who roam the forests without the benefit of the living spirits of their progeny. Through both music and rich imagery, Roher's film instills us with an indelible sense of a time and place that seems long ago and far away, yet close enough that we, along with the Batwa can see it, touch it and feel it.
It's an important film. One hopes it will help the government of Uganda see the light and perhaps, someday soon, allow the Batwa to return to their ancestral homeland, to reunite with their ghosts and the natural spirit of their culture.
THE FILM CORNER RATING: ***** 5-Stars
Ghosts of Our Forest enjoys its World Premiere at Hot Docs 2017.


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Cloudera Enterprise 5.8 is now generally available (comprising CDH 5.8, Cloudera Manager 5.8, and Cloudera Navigator 2.7).
Cloudera is excited to announce the general availability of Cloudera Enterprise 5.8! Main highlights of this release include Impala read/write support on Amazon S3, a redesigned SQL query editor GUI, the expansion of role-based access control functionality to Cloudera Search, and the GA of Cloudera Navigator Optimizer to facilitate and optimize workload migrations.
For those new to it, Cloudera Navigator Optimizer (previously in beta) is a cloud-based service that helps with offload planning and active data optimization for Apache Hadoop. For example, it provides workload visibility and assessments for building a predictable offload plan, adapting to evolving Hadoop data and workload demands, and optimizing query performance in Impala and Apache Hive. (For more details about Cloudera Navigator Optimizer, check out the release blog post.)
As usual, Cloudera Enterprise 5.8 contains a long list of quality enhancements and bug fixes (learn more about our multi-dimensional hardening/QA process) and other improvements across the stack. Here is a partial list of those improvements (see the Release Notes for a full list):
Performance & Scale
- Impala queries now 3x faster on Kerberized clusters
- Significant performance improvements to Hive metadata replication in BDR
Usability & Management
- Streamlined offload planning and active data optimization with Cloudera Navigator Optimizer
- Redesigned SQL editor in Hue
- Hive jobs can now be assigned to specific YARN resource pools based on Sentry policy (instead of default "hive" pool)
Native Cloud Support
- Apache Sentry support for Amazon S3
- Impala can now read and write to Amazon S3
Security & Governance
- Role-based access control (Sentry) support for Impala and Hive queries over Amazon S3
- Sentry support for Cloudera Search
- New policy support for managed metadata assignment
- Navigator SDK support for Navigator Optimizer integration
New or Updated Open Source Components
- Impala 2.6
- Hue 3.10
New or Updated Platform Support
- Debian 8.2
- Oracle JDK 1.8u74 and 1.8u91
Over the next few weeks, we'll publish blog posts that cover some of these features in detail. In the meantime:
As always, we value your feedback; please provide any comments and suggestions through our community forums. You can also file bugs via issues.cloudera.org.