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Filed under: The Depress-A-Thon | Tags: 3, 80s, a-bomb, apocalypse, apocalyptic, armageddon, assured, atomic, atomic bomb, bbc, bomb, cinema, cloud, cold, cold war, death, destruction, documentary, end, end of the world, extinction, fallout, fictional, film, Films, for, h-bomb, made, movie, mushroom, mushroom cloud, mutually, mutually assured destruction, nuclear, nuclear bomb, nuke, nukes, of, post, post-apocalyptic, radiation, Review, reviews, russia, the, threads, tv, usa, war, wars, world
Well, unfortunately there was just too much to get on with at work last night for me to find a spare moment to finish writing the list of my favourite Sci-fi villains. I did manage to get half of it done and plan to have it up tomorrow. Instead it's time for another repost in the Depress-A-Thon, this time dedicated to the film which truly scarred my soul, 'Threads'. I've decided to stick the two occasions which I've written about 'Threads' together since the original review was a little shorter than I remembered.
So included below is the part the bit I wrote about Threads for my top 10 Post-Apocalyptic Films List (Which can be found here: Part 1, Part 2) and, after the video, the original review entitled "Threads: The Single Most Depressing Thing Man Kind Has Ever Put To Film." Enjoy.
1. Threads
Cause Of Apocalypse: Nuclear War.
Yes, for number one I'm going a little obscure. It's a made for TV British film that I've reviewed before and it's truly fucking chilling. The acting is corny, it's incredibly 80s, scratch that, it's incredibly Northern England 80s and it's a little slow to start but fuck, after the bombs drop, it's just… Wow.
This film portrays what life would have been like if the US and Russia had decided to launch nukes at each other and what would have happened had England been completely ravaged by nuclear bombs. I'm sure that a few of the things that are described aren't considered exactly scientifically accurate these days but I'm also sure that it's still as close as I'll ever see a film get to the truth.
This film essentially put me into a sort of mini-depression after watching it. It made me feel doomed, as though at any moment the world could come crashing to a halt if a small group of people wished it so. Keep in mind that the Cold War had been over for some time at this point. Seriously though, there doesn't need to be a cold war for it to happen anyway. All it takes is a few buttons being pushed and then Boom. Life as we know it will be over. The lucky ones will die in the initial attacks. Oh, god. It's happening again. Just thinking about this fucking film is bringing it all back. What the fuck is the point?
Still, if you feel that happiness is a commodity that you just don't need in your life anymore, I heartily recommend 'Threads'. It's incredible and horrifying. Oh god, why? Why?
Threads: The Single Most Depressing Thing Man Kind Has Ever Put To Film.
I love post-apocalyptic films and games. Despite the harsh existence that the people living in the post nuclear war landscape have to eke out, they always seem fun, especially something like Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome or Fallout 3. So I decided to buy and watch the DVD of the BBC's 1984 nuclear war drama, Threads. Spoilers ahead.
The synopsis promised a realistic look at what would happen if Britain were suddenly struck by nuclear weapons launched by then biggest threat to the Western World, the Soviet Union. I know what the effects of a massive nuclear launch would be, so I wasn't expecting to be shocked by anything on screen. How wrong I was.
Let me start off by saying never ever watch Threads. Don't get me wrong, it's a brilliantly made drama, especially for the time it was made but if you ever want the possibility of happiness to be present in your life ever again, then you really should watch a Mad Max movie instead. Seriously, I think I may have killed joy by viewing this.
The story follows two families in Sheffield, one working class and one middle class. The two families are linked by the fact that the son of the working class family has gotten the daughter of the middle class family pregnant and they have become engaged to be wed. The first forty-five minutes follows their everyday lives whilst highlighting the fact that tension between the US and the Soviet Union are growing due to military movements by both sides in the Middle East.
The film is also interspersed with narration and text that highlights the fact that Sheffield would be a prime target for nuclear strike due to it's economic value as a producer of steel and chemicals and it's proximity to a US Air Force base. These little pieces of information continue to mount the tension as relations between the US and the Soviet Union continue to become increasingly strained.
Then the main event occurs. Britain is essentially nuke raped by the Commies. Sheffield itself is devastated, with buildings being flattened and bodies turned to ash in seconds and the pregnant girl's fiancée is killed. There are some who have built shelters but the film makes it perfectly clear that the radiation will destroy those peoples futures. Hooray!
The film then follows what happens to the survivors during the years following the nuclear strike. Nuclear winter sets in meaning that during the day illumination remains at twilight levels. This, compounded by massive radiation contamination of the earth, makes the growth of crops increasingly difficult. The ozone layer is massively depleted allowing increased ultra-violet exposure resulting in more instances of skin cancer, premature aging and cataracts and the population of Britain dwindles to medieval levels.
Children are being born more frequently with physical and mental mutations and even those who are born normal have no education and speak broken English. Their parents generally die before the children are able to take care of themselves and are many of them scamper through the ruined cities, trying to scavenge for food and clothing whilst avoiding the gunshots of people who shoot looters on sight.
I've pretty much avoided any major plot points of the story because, despite what I said earlier, I think it's worth a watch. For a made for TV British production it's all pretty good. The acting and special effects are a little dated but bearable. In fact the only things that don't really hold up are the fashions and the haircuts. So yes, I'd highly recommend it. But if you do watch it, be warned. Once you watch something, you can't unwatch it. I spent the day after viewing this film wandering around in a kind of daze, not entirely sure what the point in doing anything was.
Filed under: Review | Tags: 3, 80s, apocalypse, bbc, cold, documentary, fallout, fictional, film, for, made, movie, nuclear, radiation, russia, threads, tv, usa, war, world
I love post-apocalyptic films and games. Despite the harsh existence that the people living in the post nuclear war landscape have to eke out, they always seem fun, especially something like Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome or Fallout 3. So I decided to buy and watch the DVD of the BBC's 1984 nuclear war drama, Threads. Spoilers ahead.
The synopsis promised a realistic look at what would happen if Britain were suddenly struck by nuclear weapons launched by then biggest threat to the Western World, the Soviet Union. I know what the effects of a massive nuclear launch would be, so I wasn't expecting to be shocked by anything on screen. How wrong I was.
Let me start off by saying never ever watch Threads. Don't get me wrong, it's a brilliantly made drama, especially for the time it was made but if you ever want the possibility of happiness to be present in your life ever again, then you really should watch a Mad Max movie instead. Seriously, I think I may have killed joy by viewing this.
The story follows two families in Sheffield, one working class and one middle class. The two families are linked by the fact that the son of the working class family has gotten the daughter of the middle class family pregnant and they have become engaged to be wed. The first forty-five minutes follows their everyday lives whilst highlighting the fact that tension between the US and the Soviet Union are growing due to military movements by both sides in the Middle East.
The film is also interspersed with narration and text that highlights the fact that Sheffield would be a prime target for nuclear strike due to it's economic value as a producer of steel and chemicals and it's proximity to a US Air Force base. These little pieces of information continue to mount the tension as relations between the US and the Soviet Union continue to become increasingly strained.
Then the main event occurs. Britain is essentially nuke raped by the Commies. Sheffield itself is devastated, with buildings being flattened and bodies turned to ash in seconds and the pregnant girl's fiancée is killed. There are some who have built shelters but the film makes it perfectly clear that the radiation will destroy those peoples futures. Hooray!
The film then follows what happens to the survivors during the years following the nuclear strike. Nuclear winter sets in meaning that during the day illumination remains at twilight levels. This, compounded by massive radiation contamination of the earth, makes the growth of crops increasingly difficult. The ozone layer is massively depleted allowing increased ultra-violet exposure resulting in more instances of skin cancer, premature aging and cataracts and the population of Britain dwindles to medieval levels.
Children are being born more frequently with physical and mental mutations and even those who are born normal have no education and speak broken English. Their parents generally die before the children are able to take care of themselves and many of them scamper through the ruined cities, trying to scavenge for food and clothing whilst avoiding the gunshots of people who shoot looters on sight.
I've pretty much avoided any major plot points of the story because, despite what I said earlier, I think it's worth a watch. For a made for TV British production it's all pretty good. The acting and special effects are a little dated but bearable. In fact the only things that don't are the fashions and the haircuts. So yes, I'd highly recommend it. But if you do watch it, be warned. Once you watch something, you can't unwatch it. I spent the day after viewing this film wandering around in a kind of daze, not entirely sure what the point in doing anything was.
Filed under: Great Scenes From Shit Films | Tags: 13th, 8, bad, cinema, ever, film, friday, great, jason, made, manhattan, movie, part, scene, scenes, shit, takes, the, viii, worst
I love the Friday the 13th films to an almost psychotic degree but even I will admit that most of them are not good films. Fun films to be sure, but not good films. I'm not entirely sure exactly why I like them so much, there's just something about the silent, plodding killer that I love so much. That and the sheer stupidity of the characters he kills. Perhaps my favourite example of this is in one of the earlier films. I'm not exactly sure which but I think it might be number two.
Whatever film it is doesn't really matter, the scene is thus. Two characters are sitting downstairs playing a game, a boy and a girl. The boy is in a wheelchair. Take note of this because it's very important. Any way, the two are flirting and generally having a good time when the girl decides to leave to change in a sexier pair of panties. While she's away, Jason strikes killing the boy in the wheelchair. The girl returns and looks for the boy BY GOING UP THE FUCKING STAIRS! She leaves a boy in a wheelchair by himself and figures that he must be waiting UP THE FUCKING STAIRS for her. She is quickly despatched and frankly deserved it for her stupidity.
But we're not here on Halloween to talk about whatever particular film in the series that was. We're here to look at perhaps one of the worst films in the entire series, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, a film only really outshone in awful by part IX: Jason Goes To Hell. Christ, not even the messiah himself, Billy Dee Williams, could save that piece of shite. On to Jason taking Manhattan.
So part VIII begins, after a montage of the seedier side of New York, with Jason once more being resurrected and immediately sets about doing what he does best, despatching horny teens. Oh Jason, you loveable rogue! Is there a sexually adventurous teenager you won't massacre? Anyway, it turns out ol' Camp Crystal Lake is getting a little tired and played out for everyone's favourite zombie serial killer. He wants to slay in the city that never sleeps! He hitches a ride on the cruise ship Lazarus bound for the Big Apple at… Crystal Lake harbour? I'm not entirely sure when Crystal Lake became connected to the sea but apparently it is. Hooray! Also aboard is Renee, a girl with a pen and a troubled past, and Sean, the ship captain's son with a sexton and daddy issues. There are of course also your generic machete fodder. There's 80's rock chick JJ, film nerd Wayne who looks and sounds a bit like Matt Damon and Julius the boxer and two girls who do coke. There's also high school teacher Charles who also happens to be Renee's creepy uncle and Salty McSeadog (Actual character name may differ) who claims the ship is doomed.
So Renee has a few visions about drowning and the young Jason Voorhees, made worse when she falls overboard, Jason goes around ridding the world of a few pointless background characters and stereotypes and one of the cokeheads tries to seduce creepy uncle Charles whilst Wayne films in an effort to get out of handing in a biology paper. She is soon after taken out by Jason.
A storm hit's the boat and Jason kills the ship's captain and his first mate, making the journey that much more treacherous. Sean discovers his dad all dead and that and takes command through whining. It is now 40 minutes into the film and I'm guessing Jason killed the crew as he was pretty pissed off that it was taking them so long to get New York. He really wants to stray around the very heart of it. Salty McSeadog goes on about Jason Voorhees, claiming every one will die. He's clearly a bottle o' rum half-empty kinda guy. Anyway, Jason kills a few more folks including the other girl who does coke and Wayne. The rest of the gang decide to try and take Jason down, gathering as many weapons as they can. They fail and abandon ship, finally reaching New York and hour into the film with about half an hour left, Wow, Jason really has to tighten up his game if he wants to take Manhattan.
The survivors are captured by a New York street gang but are rescued when Jason shows up and begins killing the gang members. Has Jason finally changed his ways? Is he becoming the superhero we all knew he was deep down inside? No, he just loves killin' folk. He's been doing it for a while and sometimes hobbies are just impossible to give up.
Jason now hunts down Julius who decides to fight the big gut on top of a roof top in a scene which may or may not be at the end of this blog post. Ok, it will be. It's great. Seriously. This one scene almost makes up for the rest of the movie for me. Julius' determination, Jason standing there and taking it and it's inevitable yet awesome conclusion make this film worth renting at least… though since I'm going to show you the scene, I wouldn't bother. Nothing else is really worth seeing.
So from down here it's all down hill. There's a flashback in which Charles explains Jason drowned because he never learned to swim and that he's still down there, ready to drag people down if they can't swim. He then chucks her in the lake and tries to force her to learn, explaining her uninteresting back story of being afraid of water. Sean and Renee run off, leaving Charles to Jason's capable hands. Jason drowns Charles, which I guess is supposed to be irony or karma or something.
Renee and Sean run to the subway, Jason chasing them and apparently not being that big of a shock to New Yorkers. Guess they have seen a lot what with giant gorilla attacks, alien invasions and all manner of things that'd make someone from a smaller town at least raise an eyebrow. Jason gets shocked on the subway track and our two, sigh, heroes are safe to explore New York. Except this is a Friday the 13th film and there are still 15 minutes left! Jason is still alive! I for one am surprised.
He chases them across what I think is Times Square where he freaks out some punk kids by lifting his mask. I for one am annoyed with Jason. Where's the bloodshed, bro? Where's the wanton slaughter? Has the franchise grown so tiresome that even you are bored of it all? No matter, Jason still has two more victims in his sights before he retires, moves to Florida and spends his last days playing Bingo.
They escape into the New York sewers, which makes perfect sense. If I had an unstoppable killing machine after me, I'd head into a dimly lit, underground maze. As they flee, they run into a sewage worker who explains that in ten minutes the sewers will be flooded with toxic waste, just like they are at every night at midnight… New Yorkers, is this true? If so, why? Is it to kill of all those alligators that live down there? Perhaps a mutant turtle eradication programme? If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, maybe you wouldn't have such a high ratio of mutated animals living in your sewers if you didn't flush them with radioactive goop every night.
Anyway, Jason shows up and kills the sewage worker and is about to kill Sean when Renee attracts his attention with a flashlight. Apparently, Jason has the same mental capacity as the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, even though earlier he was seen to be working out elaborate ways to kill his victims bringing his intelligence level at least up to that of the Velociraptors in Jurassic Park 3. Renee runs away with Jason following, leaving Sean unconscious in a tunnel that is about to be flooded with toxic waste in a matter of minutes. Plan. She stumbles across a toxic waste barrel and throws it in Jason's face. Seriously New York, is toxic waste really that big of an issue in your fair city that, not only must you flood your sewers with it on a nightly basis but you must also leave barrels of it lying around in aforementioned sewers? What The Fuck?
The toxic waste causes Jason to remove his mask, revealing his visage. It's kinda hard to describe, something kind of like a cross between one of those old Madball things and a Garbage Pail Kid. If you're too young to understand those references I'm sure the fount of all knowledge, Wikipedia will answer your questions. In my day we had to use real encyclopaedias and I can guarantee you that they didn't have entries about old 80s toy lines. Anyway, here is a picture of Jason sans mask for your viewing pleasure:
As you can see it's pretty fucking terrible. Seriously fucking awful. Just plain shit. But it doesn't stop there.
Renee comes back for Sean, they climb a ladder and leave Jason below as the, sigh, toxic waste begins to flood the sewers. As it does, Jason speaks. Yes, Jason speaks but only that, he sounds like someone trying to do a child's voice but poorly. And what does Jason, who has been so silent for so long have to say to the world? "Mommy, don't let me drown… mommy." Well… that's just great. I know it makes sense in the context of the series but still… It just… It's just wrong. Jason then get's hit by the toxic waste and is reverted back to his childhood form. Which makes no fucking sense but by this time you've been pretty much battered into submission by the films unrelenting stupidity and you just kind of accept it. And so Sean and Renee are free at last to go and be boring together. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. You know what, fuck it. Let's just show you the last scene, courtesy of CampVoorhes.com. Consider it a Halloween bonus.
See! See what I mean! It fucking sucks! And what's worse is it looks like Jason the child has a normal head. What the fuck is that about? Fucking hell!
Ugh. There you have it. So what have we learnt? Well, I personally have learnt that New York has a severe toxic waste problem that they can surely find better ways of solving than simply flushing it down the sewers. I've learnt that throwing your niece into a lake after telling her it's haunted by a dead child is not the best way to teach her to swim. I've also learnt that, since most of this movie takes place on a fucking boat, it was severely wrongly titled. It should have been called something like Friday the 13th VIII: Avast Jason! Or Friday the 13th VIII: All Hands On Death! Or some such thing.
Let's at least end things with a high note. I present to you, my favourite Friday the 13th death of all time, Jason Vs. Julius. Enjoy.
Filed under: Great Scenes From Shit Films | Tags: 3000, bad, cinema, crow, ever, film, great, made, mike, movie, mst3k, mystery, pumaman, scene, scenes, science, servo, shit, theater, tom, worst
Ok, I promise, tomorrow will not be a movie featured in MST3K. In fact, it'll be a super awesome Halloween special edition of Great Scenes from Bad Films! Awesome. But Mari Nickl reminded of Pumaman and I just had to include it. It was another great Mike era episode and this film really deserved the MST3K treatment. Allow me to elaborate.
The film opens with a paragraph regaling us with the Aztec legend of a God descending from the heavens, fucking an Aztecette and fathering the first Pumaman. Next we see a giant sphere approaching Stonehenge… I think. I'm not entirely sure because I just don't see how Stonehenge could possibly fit in to Aztec legend. Anyway it's probably not important. The aliens bequeath a mask to mankind, declaring that the Pumaman will look after it and that. This is followed by the credits in which the film's big name, Donald Pleasence, has his name spelt wrong as Donald Pleasance. Well done movie.
We then meet a blonde lady archaeologist, intensely studying the aforementioned golden mask in modern times. Donald Pleasence enters, looking for all the world like a hideous, bald dominatrix, and basically asks her "How's shit?" She turns around and answers "Shit's good but don't desecrate this mask otherwise the Pumaman will fuck you up." Donald decides not to heed this careful warning and uses the mask to take control of blonde lady archaeologist's mind. Oh Donald, you funky, cheeky monkey.
Anyway, I guess my first major question arises here. Why the fuck did the aliens leave a mask that gave people the ability to control the minds of other people? And I thought that the Pumaman dynasty was supposed to guard it always. Why was it not passed down the Puma family line?
The next scene shows a man being tossed out of a window, a newspaper revealing it's the fourth American to be killed in London that week. It turns out that the person behind these slayings is the hero of our story, Vadhino (I must interject here and point out that I'm not saying he's the hero because he is ridding London of Americans. Hmmm, shouldn't have used the word ridding there, just makes things sound worse. My point is no one should be killed in London. Except for Luxembourgers. You know what you did Luxembourg!) and his next target is the film's side-kick character, palaeontologist Tony Farms.
Tony 'senses' danger whilst being yelled at by his boss when Vadhino appears, steals a bone and Tony gives chase. Vadhino suddenly grabs him and chucks him out the window. Way to sense danger there Tony! When Tony survives, Vadhino tells him he's the Pumaman and runs away.
Tony then meets blone archaeologist lady, Jane, and they 'flirt.' She invites him to a party laid out by her father. Alas! She's still being mind controlled by Donald! Gasp! It turns out he's controlling Jane's father as well!
As Tony's getting ready for the party, Vadhino shows up again and gives Tony the lame plastic belt that allows him to access the powers of the Pumaman! Which confuses me as it's already made clear that Tony can survive falls and see in the dark. We're also lead to believe he can sense danger but… Anyway, Vadhino explains that he knows Tony's father which also raises the question as to why he didn't look up where Tony Farms was, rather than going around tossing Americans out of windows. Guess it's a hobby or something.
At the party, Donald turns up with a few henchmen and begins to stir up trouble when they attack Tony. Tony beats a few up or dances violently with them, it's hard to figure out exactly which. Vadhino shows up, tosses Tony the belt allowing him to fly through the air… like a puma. The belt also gives him the lamest superhero costume since Robin decided little green underwear was a great look.
And so Tony flies. The effects are astounding. You'll gasp in wonderment as Tony flies at all manner of angles, especially apparent when he drops a henchman, You'll scratch your head in amazement Tony glides through the air with all the grace of an Aardvark tossed out of a helicopter. It truly is a thing of beauty.
So Tony tries to find out where the mask is by entering a trance and walking through a wall… like a puma. Or at least he tries but fails. Because if there is one thing that you will learn about Pumaman it's that he's the living embodiment of epic fail.
Jesus this is going on for a while. Ok, to cut a long story short. Donald has an evil plan, Pumaman tries to stop it, fails but thankfully Vadhino saves the day by not being Pumaman. At the end of the film Vadhino, Pumaman and Jane go to Stonehenge, which seems to be in an area which is certainly not where Stonehenge actually is. Vadhino claims that the the protection of the Gods has not failed since the day is saved though I must heartily disagree. The day was nearly lost because the stupid fuckers left the mind control mask on Earth in the first place… Twats. Anyway, Jane and Pumaman kiss and it seems apparent that the patter of tiny puma paws can't be too far away. Eww.
Ok, sorry about that synopsis. I was watching the MST3K version, trying to ignore the riffs and focus on the film and I just completely lost track and the will to live, so I guess I have to add the same warning that I added to the previous two MST3K-inspired entries, do not watch without Mike and the Bots. Seriously. I think my left arm is tingling and I'm certain I feel chest pains.
What's left to be said about this film? Well, as mentioned the special effects are awesome, though not just the flying effects. When Donald is taking over someone's mind, the film wobbles, like water being sucked into the mouth of a goldfish's mouth. That's an odd analogy and that's how this film has effected me. I'm also not sure whether Pumaman can phase through walls or just break through them. The special effects are that ambiguous!
One last thing of note is the music. Pumaman's theme is a touching little number that will cause many to hold their hand over their heart and shed a tear for the Aztec Puma man-God who came to Earth to save us all from the mask left here by the Aztec Puma God for some reason.
One last thing, Vadhino would later appear in the second ever episode of the A-Team and get pummelled by Mr T. Good on him.
Well I'm exhausted. Couldn't actually find any clips from a pure copy of the movie so here is a compilation clip from the MST3K version. I'm doing you all a favour, really.
Filed under: Great Scenes From Shit Films | Tags: 3000, bad, cinema, crow, ever, film, great, hobgoblins, made, mike, movie, mst3k, mystery, scene, scenes, science, servo, shit, theater, tom, worst
As with yesterdays entry into the hallowed halls of shit cinema fame, this entry came to my attention through the stellar work of the crew at Mystery Science Theater 3000. This film was in what is possibly my favourite of the Mike era episodes, in fact it would probably be my favourite of all episodes if not for Manos. Everything about this episode is great, the riffs, the host segments with classics like Crow's 'In Search Of…' style programme about women to the cardboard cut-outs of the crew singing about Hobgoblins. One particular scene of note is the 'interview' with director Rick Sloane during the films end credits.
Still, this isn't supposed to be about MST3K, it's supposed to be about the movie itself. It's about a number of small beasts from space who can make peoples fantasies come true with TERRIFYING consequences.
The film begins with an elderly security guard and his young helper doing a check of the old movie studios where they work. They go their separate ways and the younger of the two gentlemen opens a vault. Inside he suddenly finds himself on a stage where he begins… well I guess you'd kinda have to call it singing really. Suddenly he falls from the stage and dies. The older security guard, Mr McCreedy, discovers his body and shuts the vault door.
Our… well I guess you'd kinda have to call him hero really, Kevin takes the dead dude's job so he can impress his frigid bitch of a girlfriend Amy because as every man knows, nothing impresses a woman more than taking a job which means you'd have to spend most of your nights away from them and most of your days sleeping. Good thinking Kevin.
After his first night he comes home and finds Amy hanging out with uber-slut Daphne and effeminate Kyle. Daphne is a classy kind a girl, wearing a condom in a packet around her neck and Kyle is a stylish fellow in his little red shorts. Amy is dressed like she doesn't want to have sex with anything. Ever. Daphne's boyfriend Nick, a soldier type, arrives later and challenges Kevin to a fight. The weapon of choice? Garden utensils! In what was rated as the most epic fight scene until Gladiator came along, Kevin and Nick duel it out for some time until Nick just manages to get the upper hand. Nick gets his reward by fucking Daphne in his van, whilst Amy takes the piss out of Kevin. In the background Nick's van can be seen bouncing up and down with hilarious cartoon bouncing sound effects! Rick Sloane is a cinematic genius.
The next night Kevin chases a burglar into the vault that the dude had died in earlier unwittingly releasing the titular Hobgoblins! Oh Noes! WTF? I can has Cheeseburger?… Sorry, not sure what happened there. Anyway McCreedy provides the creatures back story and explains they can make people see what they most wish for though they do kinda accidentally kill them in the process. And so our mighty hero Kevin goes to stop the evil beings and save the friends that frankly no man deserves!
The Hobgoblins head straight for Kevin's house, perhaps wanting to leave him a thank you note for freeing them after all this time or perhaps smelling Daphne's rancid pheromones from miles away and they are just looking for an easy lay after such a long time in the vault. Either way they happen upon Kevin's chums whilst they are…well I guess you'd kinda have to call it partying really. The hobgoblins manage to lure Daphne out of the house with an exact replica of Nick's car horn. Having never met the man and having been locked in a movie vault, I can't help but wonder how they know the sound of his horn or where and when they purchased such an item. Anyway, one of the hobgoblins tries to kill Daphne but she fights them off with a rake. Garden utensils would have made Lord of the Rings way more awesome.
Meanwhile, Kevin is calling a phone sex line, when he is told the woman he's talking to is right outside. He takes her to the make-out spot of the city, with signs denoting where people should park depending on what kind of sexual activity they plan on engaging in. I'm sure the city council are very pleased with such a well organised make-out spot. The woman tries to push the car off of the make-out spot cliff with Nick still inside it until Kevin shows up and kills the hobgoblin generating the fantasy. The car still goes over the edge and the two characters are left standing there, watching the terrible fire which seems to have all the intensity of two torches being shone into the actor's eyes.
Whilst this is going down, Amy heads to Club Scum to become a slutty, slutty stripper. (Point of interest: The man who plays Club Scum's host would go on to voice Cosmo in the Fairly Odd Parents.) She demands to be degraded until Kevin and friends show up to kill the hobgoblins. The club is thrown into chaos and Nick begins to fantasize that he's in combat. He manages to set himself on fire by jumping on a grenade… damn that's stupid.
The surviving friends go to tell McCreedy that they've killed all the hobgoblins but Kevin is confronted by the burglar he chased before. A fight breaks out and Kevin wins, impressing Amy at last. Maybe now she will have sex with him. Good for them. But what's this? The burglar has a gun! He's going to shoot Kevin! Will he never get his end away? Thankfully McCreedy shoots the hobgoblin which is causing Kevin's fantasy and the future conquest of Amy by Kevin seems assured. Kyle makes a move on Daphne who seems willing, probably because she's a whore and not even little red shorts will put her off. Unfortunately for Kyle, Nick shows up covered in bandages. He and Daphne retire to the van which begins bouncing with those same cartoon sound effects and the future conquest of Kyle by Kyle's hand seems assured.
The rest of the hobgoblins run into the vault and McCreedy blows up the studio, a plan the old man who spent his entire life guarding them for the sake of mankind must have really wished he'd thought up earlier. The End.
Well there you have it. Once more, as with yesterdays pick, I recommend you only watch this film with the appropriate MST3K riffs. Doing otherwise will release the hobgoblins. Oh an rest assure, the hobgoblins will ride again regardless with the soon to be released, direct-to-DVD sequel, Hobgoblins 2. Hooray!
So, what scene? Well there can only be one choice really. Enjoy.
Filed under: Great Scenes From Shit Films | Tags: bad, cinema, crow, ever, fate, film, great, hands, joel, made, manos, master, movie, mst3k, of, scene, scenes, servo, shit, the, tom, torgo, worst
Like most people out there who have seen Manos: The Hands of Fate (Translation: Hands: The Hands of Fate) I became aware of it through Mystery Science Theater 3000. The episode is held in high regard amongst the shows fans and rightly so. It is, after all, awesome. Some of my favourite riffs I heard in the shows history come from this episode, as do some of my favourite segments. Such a thing is only possible with the just the right film, and Manos is just such a film.
Every frame is such exquisite crap, that you just can't help but laugh. From the inexplicable scenes involving two teenagers making out to Torgo's chilling theme music, everything here is so ripe for a riffing that if MST3K hadn't done an episode with it then there would have been a public outcry… except that no one would have heard of the movie.
The plot then if it can indeed be called such. A family made up of husband Mike, wife Margaret, daughter Debbie and dog Peppy are travelling somewhere for some reason. Meanwhile two teenagers make out in a car until a cop tells them to piss off. The family reach a house and are greeted by every one's favourite satyr/housekeeper Torgo. He takes care of the place while the Master is away.
Mike asks Torgo is his family can spend the night at the house and, after a little hesitation, Torgo agrees.
Later that evening, Peppy runs outside the house and is later discovered as a corpse dog by Mike. Margaret wants to leave and Mike demands that Torgo put the luggage back in the car, which is a very rude way to treat someone who kindly let you stay in house even though he had reservations. What a bastard. It's not Torgo's fault they can't control their fucking dog. Torgo does as he's told before catching Margaret alone. He informs her that the Master wants her for a wife but he can't have her because Torgo wants her for himself. He then 'fondles' her in a way that demonstrates just why Torgo is considered a ladies man without equal.
Meanwhile, the two teenagers continue making out until being told to move on by the police again.
Now Debbie runs outside of the house and, rather than being found as a girl corpse, her parents find her with a big evil looking dog. When asked where the dog was found, she leads them to a chamber which contains the Master and several women (his wives) dressed in white nighties in an apparent cryogenic stasis, though without the cryogenic part.. The family run back to the house and try to find Torgo.
Torgo, though, has gone to the chamber himself where he does a little more fondling, this time of the Master's lovely ladies. That Torgo, what a lovable scamp! Torgo then knocks Mike out and ties him to a pole. Suddenly the Master and his wives awaken. They argue about the families fate, some wanting to kill 'em all, others wanting to keep the wife and daughter. The Master, however, has his own plans. He's pissed at how Torgo always seems to get more pussy, even though the Master has well loads of wives. So he decides he's going to sacrifice him to Manos! It should be pointed out at this point that the Master is wearing a fetching poncho with a hands motif. It's lovely. He leaves the chamber and the wives carry on arguing about the fate of the family which devolves into a wrestling match in the sand. A long one. Like several minutes long. It's really painful viewing at this point.
The Master finds Torgo and tells him he's going to be well dead. Torgo tries to fight but the Master puts him in a trance or something. Meanwhile one of the wives finds Mike and kisses and slaps him while he's unconscious but by this point of the film you will have given up hope that anything in life will ever make sense again. The Master brings Torgo to the tomb, puts him on a stone tablet whilst tying up one of the wives. The wives give Torgo a massage for some reason, the Master burns his hand and Torgo runs away, presumably to his death. He then kills the wife tied to the pole for good measure.
Mike wakes up and joins his family as they try to escape. Unfortunately they encounter a stock footage snake which impedes their progress. of course it's not like they are in a wide expanse of desert affording the option of walking around said snake and giving it a very wide berth so Mike decides to fire at the snake. This gunfire catches the attention of the policemen who shooed the teens who were making out so they go to investigate. These are clearly crack crime fighters as there investigation involves moving away from their car, staring into the darkness before giving up and going away. To Protect and Serve!
The family, unable to make their way through a maze of stock footage wildlife, decide to return to the house. It just makes sense. The Master attacks, Mike fires at him and the screen fades to black.
The next scene shows two women who are travelling somewhere for some reason. They reach a house and are greeted by every one's favourite human/housekeeper Mike. He takes care of the place while the Master is away. Next we see that Margaret and Debbie have joined the army of wives in stasis, which it pretty disgusting when you consider that Debbie is a little girl. Chris Hansen needs to take the Master's ass down a peg or two.
The credits are followed by the scariest scene in the entire film when the words 'The End?' flash up. That question marked has plagued any and all who have seen this film.
So there you have it, the 'plot' of Manos. Now for a few fun facts:
1) The camera used to shoot the film could only shoot for thirty seconds at a time and everything was filmed without sound. The voices were dubbed in later!
2)The film had a budget of $19,000!
3)The driving sequences at the beginning of the film were supposed to have the opening credits over them, but the director forgot to include them!
4)John Reynolds, who played Torgo, sustained permanent damage to his kneecaps because of the apparatus on them. He was constantly on painkillers up until his suicide, due to the injury he had from this movie. It's believed that his kneecaps were damaged due to the device being worn backwards… I'm sorry, that probably shouldn't have been included in the 'fun facts'. Let's move on.
This movie is among the very worst ever made. Simple as that. Plan 9 from Outer Space is awful, Hobgoblins is an abortion but in my opinion this film tops them all. If you have to see this film, and you have to, make sure you watch it with Joel and the Bots from MST3K. Doing otherwise is hazardous to your health.
As for the scene I've picked from this treasure trove of awful, I've decided upon Torgo charming the pants off of Margaret with his suave fondling. Enjoy.


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Cristom Pinot Noir Jessie 2017 - Suckling 97 Points
Regular price $65.00
Suckling 97 Points
You cannot beat the thirty-six years of winemaking experience of Cristom's Steve Doerner. He's a winemaker's winemaker, and this entire lineup is juicy and vibrant. Few Oregon wines cellar as well as these.
From Suckling: "A very distinctive nose with a wild array of red berries and cherries and a thread of blue fruit, too. There's a dried wild-rose perfume and a violet-like thread with subtle, herbal-based notes. It's a moving target in the glass with incredible complexity. This has a gift of revelation. The palate has a very assertive edge with a powerful core of intense tannins that carry a spicy thread of rich dark cherries and dark plums in a defined, savory and athletic stance. A star of the vintage. Drink over the next decade or more."

subset: commoncrawl


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Main Floor: 958 SQ.FT.
Second Floor: 1362 SQ.FT.
The Ellis offers no shortage of space for growing families. The bright and airy main floor boasts a gourmet kitchen including an oversized island and wall oven, as well as a flex room off of the foyer. The second floors leaves nothing to be desired with a spacious master's retreat, three additional bedrooms, and a bright bonus room. With ample space to grow in to and a clean and contemporary exterior, the Ellis will easily become your forever home.


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A thankful heart!
It's 2014 you all!
I can't stop smiling. God has been marvellous.
I look back at my journey last year, the moments I felt I couldn't do this anymore, the times I uttered I'm tired, the tears that fell from my eyes… My cries to God. He never left me nor forsook me, he was my rock.
There were changes, there were moments of silence, there was pain, there were challenges… But He was true to His word.
When I look back at 2013 all I can see is God, all over that year!
So this post is dedicated to my creator.
With a thankful heart, I worship you today Lord
I acknowledge your greatness, your faithfulness,
Your mercy and grace..
Who am I that you are mindful of me?
You have constantly shown yourself to me
You gave constantly proved yourself to me
If I could type in tongues, I would… But my mind and head and heart are bubbling with so many words of praise and thanks that I can't even put them down coherently.
I will summarise and say I am grateful lord, extremely grateful.
I love you!
I place my 2014 into your hands, I cast everything unto you lord, my future and my family's, safely into your able hands!
Thank you again!
Happy new year all!


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Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Having served in an Australian Army Regiment myself for nine years, there is one thing that I know that is inherent in the minds of all Australian soldiers, from combat veterans to weekend warriors, and that is that you must always look after your mate! This simple Aussie philosophy is why we have one of the most successful and respected Defence Forces in the world.
No doubt you have heard the story from the media: Commandos face court over civilian deaths in Afghanistan
And understandably, like most, you are probably fuming because you cannot stand the thought of Australian combat soldiers who are risking all for our and others greater good, being prosecuted for doing what 99.9 percent of us could only imagine doing.
War is hell and in that hell we can only imagine that there would be split second decisions needed to be made in order to not only get the job done successfully but to simply survive the battle. We are all human, including diggers and Generals and because of that we can make errors.
Was there an error made here and if so was there any other option but to fight to save your mates and yourself? Although I was not there and have no idea of exactly what happened and the circumstances leading to the TRAGEDY (only what I have read of course), the ins and outs of the tactical details and the minds of the soldiers under fire and the danger that made up this terrible event, I can count on this simple fact and that is there will always be casualties in a physical conflict such as this the war against the Taliban and Al-Al Quaida in Afghanistan and to the greatest regret of any Australian involved or not, there may well be civilian casualties.
These casualties are never an seen by decent human beings as an acceptable event or "collateral damage" and are not seen this way by our diggers (and I believe those concerned especially) or the ADF.
The one important thing that is being overlooked here, in my opinion, is that if wrong doing was done then it will be exposed by our military legal code and always justly dealt with. This cannot be said for this enemy, who take no pain in using children and woman as human shields (knowing that we are civilised soldiers and follow the civilised conventions of warfare) and it is the enemy that will always profit from any negative propaganda that can be stirred up by such western media attention.
I will stick my neck out and say here now that I believe the soldiers will be acquitted and that this will be seen for what I believe it is, a tragedy of war. I just hope that the issue does not stir up or give ammunition to the enemy without (the Taliban) and or the other front line and that is the enemy within: The usual "peacenik" activists and fools who cannot see that their way of life, including their right to be fools and side with the enemy's cause, is itself in jeopardy if we lose this war.
The effect that this will have and always has had on troops currently in the field is not only sobering for them but also just as concerning and destructive to the successful outcome of our military endeavours, This is a matter that needs to be dealt with "in house" and should not be a matter of such public debate until the facts are known and the the verdict is in. Even then, should it not be the right of a fighting army, fighting a war to win, to be able to keep that information to itself at least until the war is over? Or are newspaper sales just that much more important?
3 comments:
- DaoDDBall said...
I am disturbed that these troops are being investigated publicly without important basic facts being known which exonerates them. It is war time, and I get it we live in a democracy, but the fact remains that it seems possible that these troops can be convicted because some politician is in office and unwilling to own up to making a mistake. I have no problem with the exercise of law, I just don't trust the ALP to be fair and even handed. They have a history of selling people down the river.
It is true the Taliban exploit such things, but it is tragically also the case that the ALP are also corrupt.
- September 29, 2010 at 12:24 PM
- Andy Semple said...
Great Cartoon, Zeg. If only the issue wasn't that serious.
War is war. It's ugly and it's deadly. There's nothing nice about War.
But these SAS commando's of ours were under fire by Taliban insurgents, who, fired at our commando's from a house that also happened to have children living there. I'd like to see members of the left see how they handle being constantly under fire by an enemy who dress like every other civilian. These commando's have strict rules of engagement and they were engaged so they did what their elite training taught them. Kill the enemy with overwhelming force. It's just a pity there isn't the same level of outcry from the left about the Taliban who often use children/women as human shields.
These diggers deserve the presumption of innocence also as they are fighting for that (&many other) freedoms on our behalf.
- September 29, 2010 at 8:02 PM
I have decided to leave the Army in protest at this outrage.
- December 8, 2010 at 4:27 PM


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More specifically, this worked yesterday:
$.getJSON("http://ip-api.com/json", function(data){
var lat = (data.lat).toString();
var lon = (data.lon).toString();
$.getJSON("http://api.openweathermap.org/data/2.5/weather?lat="+lat+"&lon="+lon+"&appid=c1861af0f1d14e3ec3312991a6a44847", function(result){
And now it doesn't. I swear I didn't touch a single character of the code. It just has stopped working for no reason. I've tried this and this, and both are returning values but for some magical reason now my code doesn't work.
I didn't touch anything, the servers are returning the correct data, and something that worked yesterday today it doesn't.


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OKCoin announced on Monday it has named EOS as the latest token added to its digital exchange platform. Founded in 2013, OKCoin claims to be one of the world's first and largest regulated digital asset exchanges. It has users in more than 100 countries around the world.
The platform currently provides traders and institutions with fiat-to-token trading to help eliminate trading barriers and improve transactions efficiency while compiling with the regulatory standards in the U.S. and the world. OKCoin describes EOS as a scalable, flexible cryptocurrency designed to be usable in real-world scenarios. It was further explained:
"Developers use EOS, the native cryptocurrency used by EOSIO blockchain protocol, to create decentralized, commercial-scale applications. EOSIO combines a smart contract platform and decentralized operating system providing services such as access control, authentication, storage, computing power and more. The objective is blockchain architecture that can scale to millions of transactions a second without user fees providing users with incredible speed, security, and performance."
OKCoin went on to add that EOS is now available for deposit and withdraw.


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Partying, sightseeing and petting lions
Phil May and Andrea Twigg
Thu 25 Oct 2012 10:35
Our time in Mauritius has been packed with sightseeing during the day and partying in the evenings. People are talking about wanting to get back to sea just for a break. The only problem is that Reunion is less than a day away, so it won't be that much of a break.
Last Saturday we had a party on Anastasia to celebrate Andrea's birthday. There were about 50 people onboard at one point. It was the first use of the disco ball which Karsten and Sheila (Gunvor) bought for Anastasia in Bali.
Yesterday we went to a wildlife park where you can actually pet the big cats. The most memorable part was stroking the two month old lion cubs.


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The Great March To Freedom: Motown And The "I Have A Dream" Speech
Recording 'The Great March To Freedom' in Detroit in 1963, the legendary soul imprint captured the origins of Martin Luther King's most celebrated speech.
Detroit, 1963: a city thriving on its motor industry. For decades it had been a destination of choice for black people in the south who wanted a better life in the north. The city was booming, with 10 major automobile manufacturing companies. Production-line work at General Motors, Ford or Fruehauf trailers was hard, repetitive and noisy, but compared to breaking your back to earn cents as a sharecropper or farm hand in the south, it was rewarding and regular. Not only that, but Detroit was seen as a model for race relations, and black businesses were springing up to cater for the new population. Some would make an impact way beyond the city – none more so than Motown, the record label founded in 1959 that brought a new, arguably "industrialised", soul sound to the world.
So it might, at first, seem strange that The Walk To Freedom, hailed in 1963 as "the largest and greatest demonstration of freedom ever held in the United States", should take place in a city where African-American people could find work and thrive. Where powerful local politicians could take the stage alongside Dr Martin Luther King, Jr, the city Mayor could boast of integration, and its police chief promise The Rev King that there would be no dogs or water cannons turned on the marchers (as there had been in Alabama, where Dr King had been jailed for exercising his democratic right to protest).
But behind the gloss and boasts of progress, Detroit was a divided city. Subtly so, perhaps, but unequal all the same. Housing policies that dated back to the 30s had drawn lines on a map; black residents here, white here. Facilities were likewise divided: the suburbs were white and well-served, the inner-city housing projects accommodated black people, had fewer amenities and were in a worse condition. Even if an African-American had made it to a middle-class income, bank loans were denied to him (and it was a him – women were routinely refused) or awarded at a punitive rate of interest. Government-supported mortgage schemes supposedly meant for everyone were frequently blocked to black people at a local level. The usual indicators of poverty, such as ill health and unemployment, were higher in black neighbourhoods. A better life in Detroit than Alabama? Probably. But everything is relative.
One of the greatest speeches of the 20th Century
So it was that on 23 June 1963, King led 150,000 marchers through Detroit to Cobo Hall, the then three-year-old convention centre, named in unintended grim irony after Albert Cobo, the Republican mayor of Detroit for most of the 50s, who had fought against integrated neighbourhoods and complained about a "negro invasion" of white districts. Some 14,000 heard Dr King deliver a speech that came to be known as The Great March To Freedom and should have been remembered as one of the greatest of the 20th Century – and would be remembered that way had he not given a similar speech at a more prominent event in Washington, DC, two months later. It was in Detroit that Dr King first uttered the "I have a dream" phrase that has become his calling card to history – and it's worth noting that at his Washington speech he used the term "I still have a dream", recognising that this was not a new concept. King's brilliant, dazzling, and heart-moving words were captured on tape and on record – appropriately by Motown, the Detroit record company that was bringing the city recognition for supremacy in soul music.
Motown released the album in August 1963, titling it The Great March To Freedom. The label had negotiated a 40-cents-per-copy royalty rate and a $400 advance for the album with Dr King, a generous deal for a record with a wholesale price of $1.80. King refused royalties himself, asking for the beneficiaries to be the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, to which Berry Gordy made a $500 donation while Motown acts appeared at the organisation's fundraisers. However, in the book Motown: The Sound Of Young America, company insider Barney Ales has said distributors weren't keen on the record, and the company probably pressed 10,000, with half of that number returned from retailers unsold. American record-buyers didn't know what they were missing.
Motown released The Great March To Freedom on its mainstream soul subsidiary, Gordy. Its front sleeve didn't bear the record label's logo (as would normally be the case); instead, a dramatic, newsy-looking layout emphasised the importance of its contents. It was also in a gatefold sleeve – four years before this became a rock music "innovation" – featuring an impressive photo of the mass of protesters passing Detroit.
One of the greatest orators of the modern age
Motown – or, rather, recording engineer Milton Henry – captured the atmosphere beautifully. The Great March To Freedom is not a hi-fi experience, but it is real: you can hear the vastness of the auditorium and the rapt attention the people gave Dr King; it's not hard to imagine the scene. Needless to say, King's words, which speak of peace, dignity and freedom, went down in history and his impeccable, perfectly paced, utterly measured delivery still sounds like the work of one of the greatest orators of the modern age. This is a voice that remains relevant, speaking of matters that are still unaddressed. The terminology, such as the use of the word "negro", may have changed, but the power of Dr King's message is totally intact.
The Great March To Freedom was not Motown's only record from the Reverend Dr King. The Detroit march was soon overshadowed by the march on Washington two months later; Motown released that as The Great March On Washington, featuring other speakers too and a version of 'We Shall Overcome' by Liz Lands, who signed to Motown in 1963. Shortly after Dr King's 1968 assassination, excerpts were issued as a single titled ʻI Have A Dream', as was the album Free At Last, while Motown's Black Forum imprint issued the acclaimed Why I Oppose The War In Vietnam, in 1970. Stevie Wonder's 1980 tribute single, ʻHappy Birthday', was pressed with excerpts from King's speeches on the other side, and Shorty Long's elegant 1969 single ʻI Had A Dream' drew heavily on Dr King's words in Detroit.
Words that continue to resonate
Detroit has been struggling for years: its population has tumbled to less than a million, unthinkable when Dr King spoke; but the words he spoke that day in Cobo Hall continue to resonate.
History does not always remember the first, just the biggest. The Great March To Freedom presented the origins of Dr Martin Luther King, Jr's most celebrated speech. Though it was overshadowed by the Washington march, the roots of Dr King's message were here, in front of an audience that was certain it was witnessing history and were living in hope of change.
While freedom still remains a dream for so many, hope remains.
Looking for more? Discover more about Black Forum, the spoken-word Motown imprint that raised its voice for African-Americans.
Listen to the best of Motown on Apple Music and Spotify.


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By Kayla Higgins
JMCBI Fellow, JCUA
On a very snowy afternoon, Jews and Muslims gathered at the KnockBox Café in Humboldt Park to take part in interfaith dialogue on the topic of "The Role of Youth in Social Change."
[Get a glimpse of what happened in this video]
The Dec. 12 discussion was organized by representatives of the Jewish-Muslim Community Building Initiative (JMCBI) from JCUA and CAIR-Chicago, and led by Rabbi Shoshanah Conover of Temple Sholom and Abdul Sattar Ahmed of the Islamic Learning Foundation.
Rabbi Conover and Mr. Ahmed began by telling of the story of Joseph and how the lessons learned in youth can make us greater leaders.
They also pointed out the differences between the story of Joseph in the Torah and the Qur'an.
Mr. Ahmed pointed out that a key difference between the two holy texts' perspectives is that the Qur'an tends to have a more idealized view of its biblical characters, turning them into role models, while the Torah tends make biblical characters flawed and more humanized, turning them into people with whom we can relate.
However, both versions of the story of Joseph have the same basic message–that in his youth Joseph only uses his unique gifts to help himself.
It is when he realizes how he can use his gifts to help others that he begins to rise to prominence and save his brethren.
This message resonates with our work with youth at JCUA, where we see them not as tomorrow's leaders, but as today's leaders.
Following the initial text study, the group broke up into two discussion groups, each led by one facilitator.
It was in these discussion groups that the participants really got involved in the interfaith dialogue by asking the facilitators questions and responding to each others' questions.
The facilitators each prepared handouts with thought-provoking quotes, which participants used as springboards for discussion.
When the event concluded, many attendees lingered and talked to the facilitators about how much they had enjoyed the discussion.
However, interfaith exchange between the facilitators themselves seemed equally moving and meaningful to them.
After the event both facilitators expressed that they would be excited to work together again in the future since it is events like these that will hopefully go a long way in improving relations between faith communities.
[Get updates about upcoming JMCBI news and events]


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Digital Marketer
The primary role of a digital marketer is to define, design, build and implement digital campaigns across a variety of online and social media platforms to drive customer acquisition, customer engagement and customer retention. A digital marketer will typically work as part of a team and they will have responsibility for some of the straightforward elements of the overall marketing plan or campaign. The marketer will work to marketing briefs and instructions and will normally report to a Digital Marketing Manager, a Marketing Manager or an IT Manager.
Apprentices must achieve one internationally recognised vendor or professional qualification in order to complete the Digital Marketer apprenticeship, these can be found in the right-hand column. This will then exempt one of the Ofqual-regulated knowledge modules, which are:
- Knowledge Module 1: Principles of Coding (for Level 3 Digital Marketer Apprenticeship)
- Knowledge Module 2: Marketing Principles (for Level 3 Digital Marketer)
- Knowledge Module 3: Digital Marketing Business Principle (for Level 3 Digital Marketer Apprenticeship)
The Digital Marketer apprenticeship is recognised for entry on to the Register of IT Technicians and those who complete their apprenticeship are eligible to apply for registration. Completion of the apprenticeship would also allow access to join as an Affiliate (Professional) member of the CIM (Chartered Institute of Marketing) and/or Associate membership of BCS.
End-Point Assessment Components
- Summative Portfolio
- Synoptic Project
- Employer Reference
- Interview
Summative Portfolio
The Summative Portfolio provides evidence against the totality of the standard, based on the application of knowledge, competence and behaviours to real work projects in the work environment. This is key to ensure the validity of the final assessment decision.
Synoptic Project
The Synoptic Project provides evidence against a selected set of knowledge, competencies and behaviours against a pre-defined project undertaken in a controlled environment. This is key to ensure consistency and comparability, increasing the accuracy of the assessment decision.
Employer Reference
The Employer Reference provides the employer's perspective on how the apprentice has performed in the workplace and how they have applied their knowledge, competencies and behaviours in work projects.
The Interview component to the End-Point Assessment provides an opportunity for further evidence to be gathered and/or evidence to be explored in more detail against any of the knowledge, competence or behaviours. This also increases accuracy and validity.
More Information
If you would like to learn more about the Digital Marketer apprenticeship standard, check out our factsheets page or alternatively you can find more information via the Institute for Apprenticeships website.
£1200 (Training Provider conducts Project invigilation)
- Payable at Registration: £300 (25%)*
- Payable at Gateway: £900 (75%)**
£1600 (TQUK conducts Project invigilation)
- Payable at Registration: £400 (25%)*
- Payable at Gateway: £1200 (75%)**
(+£100 surplus if Face to Face Interview)
- MTA HTML 5 (Knowledge Module 1)
- CIW – Site Development Associate (Knowledge Module1)
- Google Squared (Knowledge Module 2)
- CIM (CIM Level 4 Award in Digital Marketing) Dot Native (Knowledge Module 2)
- CIW – Internet Business Associate (Knowledge Module 2)
- Google Analytics IQ (Knowledge Module 3)
- CIM (CIM Level 4 Award in Digital Marketing) CIW – Data Analytics (Knowledge Module 3)
- CIW – Social Media (Knowledge Module 3)
- Dot Native (Knowledge Module 3)
- CIW – Internet Business Associate (Knowledge Module 3)
- Google Squared (Knowledge Module 3)
- Level 2 Award in Functional Skills English
- Level 2 Award in Functional Skills Mathematics
*25% registration fee is transferrable to a new registration should an Apprentice withdraw from the apprenticeship. Upon receipt Apprentices, Employers and Training Providers will gain access to the TQUK EPA management suite.
**75% fee paid at gateway in non-refundable as we anticipate that once the apprentice has passed through gateway they will be ready to undertake the end-point assessment elements. If the 75% payable upon gateway is not paid within 30 days of invoice we, as the EPAO, will put a hold on any end-point assessment activities being undertaken and any certification processes.
Training Qualifications UK offers one free re-sit per multiple-choice test where included within a standard. Element assessments re-sits will be charged per assessment and standard


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July 5, 2019 - August 24, 2019
From the white deer of Argonne to Chipain's Grocery Store, Lemont's past is on display at the Lemont Center for the Arts. Stop by to see Lemont Area Historical Society's "Then & Now 2" ongoing Exhibit July 5 to August 24 and Reception to be held August 10, displaying 25 incredible images from Lemont's past and present. We hope that you will join us.


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Honourable Leader of the Opposition,
Just this weekend, you said to Australia that "Your opinion matters". If this is true, then I would like to share my opinion (which happens to be held by the majority of the Australian Public) with you, on the topic of Marriage Equality.
All Australians in our great nation are of equal value. All Australians should have access to the same legal institutions, irrespective of race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation. The list of legal institutions where discrimination is still permissible is growing smaller, yet we are denied access to one of our culturally defining institutions – that of marriage. All, and only, because we love someone of the wrong gender. Or at least, wrong according to the parliament.
Australian politicians move further and further away from being relatable, from even being seen as of the same breed as Australians who do not take up the mantle of leadership. This attitude of irrelevance stems from situations where our representatives' values, opinions, or votes, are out of step with what we as the represented believe. A case in point is my electorate. The Member for Brisbane, Teresa Gambaro (LIB), who voted against Marriage Equality after her own surveys showed 73% of her electorate were in favour of marriage equality – particularly disconcerting after a maiden speech in which she promises to listen to and represent her electorate's views.
Do the right thing and work against discrimination. Help make your party relevant to Australians again. Aspire to and display the liberal ideal that what individuals do, provided they do not hurt others, should not be interfered with by government.
Set the Liberal Party platform to a "Yes" on Marriage Equality, or at least permit a conscience vote.
Yours Sincerely,
Dylan Carmichael


text: The mission of the WomPreneurs Program is to foster job creation and support the growth of new and existing women businesses by providing capacity building information, tools, and resources. We provide coaching and assistance to women entrepreneurs and small businesses. Our focus is to develop and empower women in order to strengthen their business capability and survivability. The program includes online classes, business ideas, business orientation, business plan, coaching, business structure, licenses and resources.


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The hiring of a law firm is an important decision that should not be based solely on advertisements. Before you decide, ask us to send you free written information about our qualifications and experience. Personal Injury Lawyers serving Daytona, Melbourne, Orlando, Florida and Nationwide.This website is not intended for viewing or usage by European Union citizens.
Posted: January 4, 2014
You hear a lot about medical malpractice from the health care and insurance industries, especially around election time or the beginning of legislative sessions. Their harping usually centers on accusations that lawsuit abuse is the reason for the high cost of medical care, implying there is no "malpractice" problem, just a "lawsuit" problem. You probably haven't heard that poor quality medical care is an epidemic in America. Here are a few things you may not have heard about that:
- Medical errors are the third leading cause of death in America. First is heart disease and second is cancer.
- Surgical "never events" which are supposed to NEVER happen, actually happen about 2,000 times a year in the U.S.
- Less than 2% of all these medical mistakes result in a patient making a medical malpractice claim.
The fact is that hundreds of thousands of Americans are seriously injured or killed by preventable medical errors in the United States each and every year. The health care providers, hospitals and insurance companies responsible won't do anything to change that unless they are held accountable. That is just human nature. Medical malpractice lawsuits don't cause the high cost of health care. They promote safety in health care by holding those responsible for this epidemic accountable.
If you believe you or a loved one has been the victim of medical malpractice, contact us for a free consultation.


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Jump to navigation
April 30, 2019 /3BL Media/ — They say the best conferences serve up doughnuts – Doughnut Economics, that is!
Reporting 3.0 is excited to announce the Keynote Speakers and Full Program for the 6th International Reporting 3.0 Conference, headlined by:
– PART OF WHAT MAKES THE U.S. FINANCIAL HEALTH PULSE ENDEAVOR SO ROBUST is that each report will examine four pillars of financial health: saving, spending, borrowing and planning. "It's similar to evaluating physical health," says Evelyn Stark, the assistant vice president of financial health for MetLife Foundation, founding sponsor of CFSI's financial health work. "You can't just look at a single factor like blood pressure or cholesterol. You need to look at a range of financial measures and say, 'What do these tell us about the collective whole?'"
Financial markets are demanding greater transparency around ESG issues. Bloomberg empowers financial decision-makers by providing environmental, social, and governance (ESG) data on 11,500+ companies.
April 17, 2019 /3BL Media/ — Historically, financial institutions in the United States have not served people of color effectively or fairly. Even today, people of color have less access to credit, pay higher interest rates for loans, and are less likely to receive venture capital funding as compared to their White counterparts. Serving these markets effectively is not only a moral imperative, but also an economic opportunity to enhance a company's bottom line.
Shavon Marley (pictured above), owner and founder of Marley Transport & Trucking in Raleigh, North Carolina, is one of many women to benefit from this new impact investing fund. Women are becoming entrepreneurs at a rate far faster than men in the U.S. Yet less than 5 percent of small business lending—only $1 in $23—goes to women.
April 4, 2019 -- Scotiabank's 2018 Sustainable Business Report is now available online, and includes the Bank's new strategy on Sustainable Business focusing on four core priorities where the Bank can help make the biggest impact: Trust, Climate Change, Economic Inclusion and Young People.
TriplePundit Flash: Yes, Smaller Brands Can Help End Global Poverty
In the global fight against poverty, a quiet revolution in corporate giving has been bubbling under the surface. Smaller brands are finding that a relatively modest amount of money can make help transform the lives of women and their families. One important strategy is to focus microloans on women, who are both more likely to be impoverished; the result is that creative means of financing can make a significant difference in women's families and their communities.
This year, Whole Planet Foundation raised $4.2 million dollars during its Annual Prosperity Campaign to fund microloans for people living in poverty where Whole Foods Market sources products.
This year, Whole Planet Foundation aims to raise $4 million dollars during its Annual Prosperity Campaign to fund microloans for people living in poverty where Whole Foods Market sources products.
The following is a joint press release from the United Nations Global Compact, Principles for Responsible Investment (PRI) and Global Compact Network Brazil


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Maestro Soccer
Join Maestro Soccer on the Far Hills campus for an exciting, fun week of multiple sports! As well as top quality soccer training every day, campers will also get to experience 1–2 sports from around the world each day! A great experience for campers of all ages, and all sports are taught by experienced coaches, in safe, structured activities. Campers will learn about and practice techniques of Quick Cricket, Touch Rugby, Gaelic Football, Rounders and many more!
All of the coaches have expertise in these global sports, and guarantee every camper has FUN learning these cool new sports!
Age: 6–13 (Grades 1–Rising Grade 8)
Dates: July 29–August 2
Full Day: 9:00 a.m.–3:00 p.m. Cost: $275
Typical Daily Schedule:
9:00 a.m.: Camp check-in and warm-up
9:30–10:45 a.m.: Soccer camp, training games and instruction
10:45–11:00 a.m.: Snack break
11:00–12:00 p.m.: Soccer scrimmages
12:00–12:45 p.m.: Lunch
12:45–1:45 p.m.: International sport of the day 1
1:45–2:45 p.m.: International sport of the day 2
2:45–3:00 p.m.: Camp cool down and check-out


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As our friend Ross Champion quipped about the season, "Commerce, the true meaning of Christmas." While the true meaning of the holiday has been buried under metric tons of tinsel and blowout sales at the mall, we'll do our part to dilute the sanctity of the season by offering our top ten favorite items that we've been lucky enough to test throughout the past year's worth of Product Reviews. And yes, there's still plenty of time to get your orders in and have these goodies in time to have wrapped and stuffed under the tree.
1. Kool PWC Stuff Jet Ski Fishing/Cooler Rack – $390
It's no coincidence that the top of our list is Kool PWC Stuff's Fishing/Cooler Rack. It's literally one of the coolest items we've had the pleasure of testing. Many storage/fishing racks sway heavily in quality as they do price; those on the cheap side are exactly that, usually flimsy and plastic. Then there are those that are so expensive they better be made out of space-age titanium (which they're not). No, we found the Kool PWC Stuff rack to be pleasantly affordable, stout and accommodating.
Of course, the outstanding feature of the Jet Ski Fishing/Cooler Rack doesn't require any cutting or drilling to your personal watercraft. Throw in that the Cooler Rack can also store a pair of really cool custom saddle tanks outside of the rack space itself, you could literally pack an additional 40 gallons of gasoline with you if you felt so inclined. Now, for you PWC fishermen, the rack touts more than a handful of rod holders and can house a cooler large enough to store plenty of life bait, or your most recent catch with no problem.
2. RIVA Racing's Intake Manifold Upgrade Kit – $39.95
If you own a 2008-up Yamaha WaveRunner with the 1.8L 4-cylinder, be it a SHO or SVHO, this is bar none the single best performance item you can purchase. Regardless if you're a weekend cruiser or a closed course competitor, the RIVA Intake Manifold kit – which is merely a precision-crafted billet sleeve to replace the mesh element (or "flame arrestor") in all 1.8-liter four-stroke Yamaha engines' intake manifolds.
The tapered collar is effectively opens up the Yamaha's airways, allowing a greater volume of air and fuel to be ingested at a higher rate by removing the restrictive mesh element in the intake manifold and replacing it with RIVA's Intake Manifold Upgrade Kit. It takes less than an hour to install and the gains are immediately noticeable. No changes to your ECU or engine setup are required. It's a must have if you want to go fast with a Yamaha these days, so trust us. You want one.
3. Ride Power USA's Android Phone Charger – $69
We first got our hands on Ride Power USA's Android Phone Charger about this time last year. It took us a couple of months to get around to installing it, and man, were we mad we waited so long. The Ride Power USA kit is possibly the most useful tool we've installed on our ski…ever given how often we bring our phones with us – be it for pictures, GPS mapping or just never being able to go anywhere without our smart phones. The simple design is so straightforward that the only reason it shouldn't take longer than the suggested hour to install it to any runabout.
4. EZ Throttle Ergonomic Throttle Trigger Extension – $19.99
The EZ Throttle Ergonomic Throttle Trigger Extension simply slips over your existing finger throttle taking it from approximately two inches to about five inches, which just about mirrors the length of your PWC hand grip. All you need is 20 minutes with minimal tools – a small socket wrench with an adapter and 1/8-inch hex driver (or Allen wrench) and a 5/64" Allen wrench – and you will have radically improved your ski's hand grip ergonomics; allowing the rider to use four fingers instead of just one or two, using less effort to squeeze and hold the original throttle.
5. Dragon Alliance's MDX Hydro Goggles – $49.95
If you buy these, you will wear them. In fact, you'll find yourself wearing them more than you think that you would. Seriously. The Dragon Alliance's MDX Hydro Goggles are that comfortable. Designed specifically for watersports (i.e. riding your personal watercraft), these beauties feature waterproof tri-layer neoprene face foam that not only is designed to survive prolonged exposure to water, but also keeps out unwanted water from entering.
The Dragon Hydros float and the 1 1/2-inch strap features a silicone bead that grips firmly to your helmet (if you're wearing one). The frame is made from polyurethane, which keeps it lightweight and flexible. But it's the Dragon's lenses that shine most. The frames allow for wide, panoramic lenses opening up your range of vision and are 100-percent UV (UVA/UVB) proof and coated in a proprietary anti-fog treatment.
6. Hydro-Turf's Hydration Roller Bag – $50
You might thinking, "A bag? Really?" Seriously, we use the Hydro-Turf's Hydration Roller Bag all the time. Let me repeat: ALL. THE. TIME. It's huge. It's strong and surprisingly affordable (more on that below). Made from heavy-duty nylon, it's tough as nails, and comes in at an impressive 29"x17"x14". That might be more bag that you think you might need, but trust us, you'll find a use for all that real estate.
Featuring large wheels with sealed bearings that glide smoothly, the Hydration Bag can be pulled along by its molded handle grip. Three thick nylon skids on the bottom provide added rigidity and durability not found in competitor's bags. Lastly, heavy duty zippers seal the main area and full-width front pouch as well. If you want to score a deal, use code "CODE-TWJ" in the comment section at the end of the ordering process, you will not only get the Hydration Roller Bag for $50 (that's a $30 savings) and also earn a 15% discount on all mats, seat covers and sheets of Hydro-Turf! Yeah, you're welcome.
7. Cargo Wave PWC Trailer – $1599
There are certain kinds of people who will LOVE the Cargo Wave PWC Trailer, and there are those who will never see a use for it in a million years. Fatefully, the first group of people are the ones who have been waiting for a quality, durable and functional towable trailer for decades – and we're telling you, the Cargo Wave works. Made of two specially-molded fiberglass clam shells, and bonded together in a fashion similar to your watercraft, even with a rubberized bondrail, the top deck features a flip-up hatch with steel-braided tethers, and held down with rubberized latch straps, providing a watertight seal.
A one-way vent allows air circulation without letting in water, helping to keep mold from collecting inside. Inside is 28 cubic feet of storage, with a reinforced platform with non-slip matting and railings to strap your cargo down. Each Cargo Wave comes with its own full sized Igloo cooler (tied down with a pair of crisscrossing bungee cords). Towed via a pair of heavy-duty capped and steel-braided, rubberized 3-inch diameter hoses, the trailer mounts with the tightening of two C-rings into the cables' stout cast O-rings, and to the trailer itself with a T-handle pin (for easy removal at the end of the day). The rubberized hoses allow enough flex to allow the trailer with naturally sway through your ski's wake.
8. Jet Renu "Purple" Wash & Wax – $9.95
A few months back, we asked Jet Renu if they had a possible wetsuit washing soap on the drawing board. Their reply was, "We already have it. Purple." Sure enough, Jet Renu's Purple Wash & Wax premium soap was a fantastic substitute for using harsh dish soap or expensive wetsuit cleaners. Fortified with 100-percent Brazilian Carnauba Wax, you wouldn't think that Purple would clean neoprene as well as it penetrates deep down into the gel coat to lift away caked on dirt and grime.
Purple Wash & Wax left behind no residue and provides a protective barrier from the sun's harmful UV rays. A bottle of Purple comes in a super concentrated formula, providing a high-foaming soap that is Ph balanced, non-toxic and biodegradable.
9. Watcon's Battery Charger Optimate 2 – $50
Available through our friends at Watcon, the Optimate 2 "smart" battery charger-maintainer is "a cost effective solution for long term maintenance of 12v batteries." By supplying 0.8A constant current, the Optimate 2 automatically brings the battery to full charge and then switches to a "unique battery-saving maintenance charge mode" to keep battery at 100-percent, be it ready to run or preserving the life of the battery of long periods of sitting. It's recommended for standard (with removable caps) Sealed AGM (absorbed glass mat), and sealed gel 12V lead-acid batteries up to 50Ah. Again, it's fully automatic, and includes safety features such as "no spark connection," and reverse polarity protection.
10. Champion Timepieces' Fusion – $350
Finally, the coup de grace of our Top 10 list for personal watercraft enthusiasts is this absolutely gorgeous watch from Champion Timepieces. Featured last week, the Fusion comes in a unique box with a custom engraved plaque (containing a personalized thank you note from Carl and Ross). The limited edition Fusion contains a big, bold billet aluminum 46mm case, raw carbon fiber 36mm face with brushed aluminum features, a strong and comfortable 24mm nylon and co-molded silicone rubber strap from Reactor Watches, hypoallergenic stainless steel back, 10mm screw-in crown, 2mm K Glass scratch-resistant crystal, Miyota Quartz movement, super luminescent hands and is 10 ATM water resistant.
Just so you know, "The limited edition Fusion has been created to commemorate the founding of Champion Timepieces and the forming of a partnership between the founders Ross Champion and Carl Gramberg," according to the official release. "The Fusion is a real authentic representation of the culture that so much of our lives revolve around. We used many of the same materials and manufacturing techniques in building the Fusion that have made our world of high performance watercraft what it is today."


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Spammy emails
It has come to our attention that a spammer has picked up nh library addresses, including the nhais-l and nhais-ill addresses and is sending messages to the lists that contain links to weird stuff. These are not legitimate messages and you should NOT click on the links. Just delete the messages. If you get email, or go on the internet, you should have virus protection which will help protect you against really bad stuff. These seem to be links, if you don't click them they shouldn't do anything.
We looked at whether anything can be done to block these messages from going out through the list. Because they are being sent as if they are from a legitimate, subscribed email address we cannot block them without moderating all list traffic. This is an option, and if the volume of messages picks up we may go this route. However, this slows down list traffic considerably, and restricts it to within the hours that NHAIS Services is staffed. This seems like an overreaction to a few spam emails.
Why not block the addresses we already know have sent them? We discussed this as well and decided that those addresses have now been used and probably won't be an issue again. The addresses in their address books may be the next ones to send spam, and that brings us back to moderating all list traffic.
David & I will be watching this issue and will change course if it seems needed.


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Nish Kumar interview
The fantastic Nish Kumar brought his completely brilliant 2014 show, Rumination on the Nature of Subjectivity to Manchester last week. We caught up with him before his stint at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival, previewing his new show Long Word… Long Word… Blah Blah Blah… I'm So Clever.
Congratulations, first off, on Newsjack and your Chortle nominations.
Ah, thank you! Yeah, I mean, I was literally furious not to win. I kicked up such a fuss in the award ceremony. Anyone but Acaster! I would have been happy with anyone other than Acaster. I was livid with him. He didn't even have the good sense to turn up.
Oh, really?!
He was in Australia.
That's fair enough then.
And I bottled it, because I was – we share an agent, and I was going to go and interrupt my agent, in Kanye-style. I think, if he'd have been there I would have done it. But it –
It was too far maybe without him?
It was too far removed, yeah. If he'd been there, I definitely would have done it. But, thank you, yeah.
So it was the last in the series of Newsjack last week.
That's right.
So how was it? How did you find it?
I thought it was great! Like, for me it was really interesting and exciting. I really love doing it, and everyone over there is really fun. I think it's quite a cool show; I like the fact that it's a good way to get new writers in, you know, and just sort of invite them to submit stuff. I think it's great. The whole experience was really positive for me.
It's really nice that it's an open thing, to everyone.
Yeah, absolutely. And so my – I used to be in a double act with my friend Tom [Neenan]: he's now a writer for the news quiz and all this kind of stuff. (His name's Tom Neenan, he's really funny.) And he got in through Newsjack. He was submitting and then like two years later was employed by the BBC. They have a contract writer scheme, he did that for three years.
So it really can be a gateway.
Yeah. My excitement doing it was… I'd seen that it does work.
And you're part of it now.
Yeah, so it was really exciting to be part of that.
How did you find writing for radio?
It was interesting. I think what was… you know, there was no, like… I don't know if they had a plan for it, but there was no real plan for my part. But what happened was, in the three months leading up to it I did a couple of things on The Now Show; and I've done bits for radio before, so sort of almost accidentally I ended up ramping up to it, so I kind felt like I transitioned into it.
So it wasn't quite so much of a shock?
No, so I kind of accidentally ended up ramping up to it – because I don't think anyone knew that Romesh [Ranganathan] would only do one series, I think he's just got too much on at the moment. It worked out really nicely because I'd kind of prepped for it.
You were ready for it when it came.
Yeah, I think so. Because, those Now Shows were awesome, and really really good training.
And good people to do it with, too: The Now Show!
Yeah! Totally, yeah. They're amazing. Those guys are incredible.
So, how is the Ruminations tour going? Sort-of tour.
It's not really a tour.
It's sort of a tour –
It's sort of a tour, it's a little tour. It's really fun. It's really nice to do it and – I filmed the show in Soho, and it's going to be commercially available… soon.
DVD or…?
… It's definitely going to be on DVD, and it's going to be somewhere online. But we're still working out what that might involve. So it's been great. I mean, it's great to keep doing… You sort of build a show for a number of times you do it in Edinburgh, and then it's over. So it's nice to have –
It's nice for it not to be over yet.
Yeah, it's nice to not be over. And, so the next one I'm touring extensively, in November. And so, it's nice to be able to do that with this show – it's nice to come and do it in a couple of friendly places, like XS, and in the Wardrobe Theatre in Bristol. It's nice to do it in fun places. But also because it's filmed as well, I feel like this show… it's…
You've saved it now.
Yeah, and I've… wrung it dry.
So the next show you're going to do, you're going to properly tour it?
It's going to be quite extensive, yeah. Maybe in a fit of optimism, but it's going to be quite an extensive tour.
So, when you go to New Zealand are you taking this show, or are you previewing the new show?
New Zealand will be the new show, yeah yeah yeah.
How different is this show to your previous hours?
It's quite… I don't know, it's like a steady evolution. This is the third one, and the third one was just like, introducing me and, just a very typical first hour; the second one was about something quite specific; and then with this one, it felt more like a stand-up show, in that way.
That you'd sort of set the groundwork and you could…?
Yeah, not particularly by design or anything, but it just feels like… this feels like a stand-up show; and I enjoyed doing that: it's sort of lots of different bits, there's an over-arching theme but it's not… maybe as specific, as the last two. And I really enjoyed doing that, it was really good fun.
Do you feel like you have a style? Or maybe that there's a specific thing that informs your comedy?
I don't know. Yeah, I think I've got a point of view, I think that's it. That's all I would say, is that I know my brain, and how I react to things; and I think, I feel like in the last year I've worked out what that means on stage for me. I feel like I've worked out what my stand-up character is on stage. Yeah, and so I think I know what I'm doing now, a little bit more.
How much of a persona do you think you have?
Ah, it's minimal. It's very minimal. But it is…
There is something.
There is something there. You are sort of turning up certain things, and turning down certain things. But it's minimal, yeah! I've got friends here tonight who would dispute that they would be paying to see this. One of my friends went 'it's just you talking'.
Ah! So it's just that there's no other side to the conversation?
Yeah! It's how I like it. I like a one-sided conversation.
So when you first got involved in comedy, did you get involved with a view to making it a career? Or was it –
Ahhhh, no. It was a club at university that I joined, yeah. No, I had no idea what I was going to do. But I really wanted to do it, and it's great at university because you can just try everything. When I started trying it – I mean, we were very lucky because we got to go to Edinburgh. The first time I did Edinburgh was nearly ten years ago; yeah, we got to go to Edinburgh, and do shows, and see comedians… So slowly you realise, actually, I might want to do this.
Were you at Durham?
Durham, yeah.
That's a good name to carry you up to Edinburgh!
Yeah, I think so: all the reviews were like 'we thought this was going to be terrible!' So I've no idea what Durham had been playing at previously, but a lot of the reviews were like 'I thought this was going to be bad but it wasn't!' Yeah! But Durham, it was a great uni and the uni was very supportive: if you want to do a thing, they will find some fund to help you do that thing. And so me, Tom Neenan – the aforementioned – and a comedian called Ed Gamble, we were all in it at the same time, so I've been performing with those guys since…
Because I was going to mention Gentlemen of Leisure: how did that come about? Did you start doing sketch before you did stand-up?
Well yes, I did sketch with the Durham Revue before I did stand-up, then I did stand-up; then in about 2009 me and Tom talked about maybe doing something, and we just slowly started ramping up, and we did an Edinburgh show in 2010. So I was doing stand-up at the time. And one of our producers was actually one of the people who runs this gig.
Yeah, Alex Hall.
Oh, right – she's at Gag Reflex.
Yeah, at Gag Relfex, yeah. Back then she was just doing bits of freelance and she produced one of our shows, yeah.
How much do you think comedy, for you, has changed since you started? So, not necessarily your comedy, but your attitude towards comedy, and the opportunities you've had –
You sort of have to start taking it seriously, which is obviously an oxymoron. When it becomes a career, you suddenly have to kind of go – like, up in Edinburgh when we were students we just used to go and get pissed and have a laugh all the time; and it becomes, suddenly, like: I have to take this seriously, and suddenly it's a job.
You're working less for you and more for… your audience.
Totally, yeah! The responsibility I think changes. Once you start selling tickets on your name, then suddenly you're like, ok this really needs to not be shit! If people don't like something, it's fine – because taste is different. But if you go on and are shambolic, and have had a few…
Then it's not fair.
It's not fair on the audience, who've paid money.
So, you're going to New Zealand with a new show: looking forward to it?
Yeah, loads!
Is this your… second?
No, I was in Melbourne last year, and I'm doing New Zealand this year. So I've no idea what it's going to be like, I'm looking forward to it very much.
And you're new show – similarly wordy title, in a different way –
Long Word… Long Word… Blah blah blah… I'm So Clever.
What's it going to be about?
Ahhhhh… it's going to be a little bit about politics, and a little bit about me. I think it'll be a little bit about – there's going to be a lot of politics in it, I think.
Last one: do you have any recommendations of comedians that you think people might not know about yet, but you really like, that you think people should know about?
Yeah, all of the people here tonight, so Garrett [Millerick], Dotty [Winters], Katie [Mulgrew]; [Toby] Hadoke, obviously; and Johnny Pelham's here, he's funny. Gein's Family Giftshop… Will Duggan is here, he's a very funny guy; and obviously he's in the juggernaut that is Funz and Gamez.
Yes, and Funz and Gamez Tooz.
Yeah, of course. But yeah, Manchester's a really good place. There's loads, there's lots of really good comics around. Pelham I think is hilarious. Lolly Adefope's great –
She's so good.
Yeah she's brilliant. There's loads. It's great.
Tickets for Nish Kumar's new Edinburgh show – Long Word… Long Word… Blah Blah Blah… I'm So Clever – are available now. You can follow Kumar of Twitter here, and find more information and up-coming dates on his website. Molly Stewart blogs at komodie.wordpress.com