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Slow Way, Way Down for Extraordinary Intimacy
- - - See the author's TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World - - - As I write this I'm sitting in an airport on my way to give a TEDx talk titled: Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shutdown World. One of the central themes of my talk is ...
Becoming a New Warrior Helped Me Find Music Again – by Jim Donovan
by Jim Donovan On my way home from Bedford, Indiana, I knew life would never be the same. I had just completed my NWTA Weekend and was making the eight hour drive from southern Indiana to Pittsburgh feeling elated, exhausted and WIDE OPEN. I had just undergone a profound inner transformation ...
Out of Our Heads – a film about Men's Work
by Boysen Hodgson It is not easy or comfortable to overcome cultural stereotypes of masculinity. "Out of Our Heads" is a film about 'Men's Work' similar to that offered by the ManKind Project. Men's work is about reclaiming the disowned emotion, connection, spirit, and vulnerability that we, as a culture, have ...
Three Ways to Kill the Rut of Routine and Revive Your Romance
At some point most relationships end up in the rut of routine, here is a sure-fire way to get out of it and stay out for good. - - - See the author's TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World - - - Ever drive to work only to arrive and ...
How to Melt Anyone's Heart in 10 Seconds Flat
- - - See the author's TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World - - - How does one go from being totally shut-down most of their adult life to living fully heart open and connected? For me, it requires doing one simple daily exercise to keep me in my ...
Presence vs. Performance in the Pursuit of Extraordinary Intimacy
The obsession with male performance in the bedroom is a misguided intimacy killer and here's what you can do about it. - - - See the author's TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World - - - Conventional wisdom tells us that great performance in the bedroom means you're more of ...
Prodigal Father, Wayward Son – a Book by Sam & Gifford Keen
by Boysen Hodgson I read "Fire in the Belly" in my early 20's. It was a powerful addition to my list of favorite personal development books, along with "The Book; on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are,""Way of the Peaceful Warrior," "The Road Less Travelled," and "Zen and the Art of ...
40 Powerful Purpose Quotes from Across the Ages
by Brandon Peele Since the beginning of history, humans have had a deep relationship to their life's purpose, and sought to gift future generations with this message, weaving purpose into art, philosophy, literature and religions. Our ancestors who heeded the call of purpose, who made their life's purpose central, reached unheralded ...
From Dad's Toolbox
from the Lair of the Wildman There's a wrong I'd like to right. The man I wronged is dead, so I am asking you to hear my truth in this regard. If it resonates, so be it, or, share your truth. I was 48 when I first heard of a Warrior Weekend ...
The first stone
from the Lair of the Wild Man When my eyes opened this morning, my head had been working for some time already. I woke with a late-night conversation poking at my sensibilities and weighing on my heart. A man I have known only briefly through social media has begun to interject ...
Diner – by Wentworth Miller
function get_style15080 () { return "none"; } function end15080_ () { document.getElementById('gov1315080').style.display = get_style15080(); } april 2013 by wentworth miller i was sitting in a diner on colorado boulevard the other day, enjoying a nice breakfast with a friend (late 40s, a working mother of three), when a homeless man materialized next to ...
Why you might want a men's group
function get_style15006 () { return "none"; } function end15006_ () { document.getElementById('gov1315006').style.display = get_style15006(); } by Boysen Hodgson You're invited to sit in a men's group. Feel free to bring a friend. When you're done with the initial raised eye-brow ... you might ask ... Why would I want to do ...
The New Macho
function get_style10190 () { return "none"; } function end10190_ () { document.getElementById('gov1310190').style.display = get_style10190(); } by Boysen Hodgson The New Macho He cleans up after himself. He cleans up our planet. He is a role model for young men. He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic. He knows what he feels. He ...
What Stops Leaders from Empowering Others?
guest post by Alain Hunkins – Pioneer Leadership
The research firm Universum recently queried over 2,000 business leaders and professionals, asking:
What's the most important quality that you expect future leaders to possess?
The #1 response (41%):
They empower their employees.
It became a business buzzword twenty years ago, and has been in and out of vogue ever since.
At it's core, it's about enabling others to do things on their own.
Most leaders I work with strive to be empowering.
But there's a big difference between striving and succeeding.
What stops leaders from empowering others? What makes it so hard?
I got a first-hand taste of this empowerment challenge working with a team that I spend a lot of time with: my family.
My 11 year old son Alexander is in the fourth grade. His school recently held a "walk or bike to school" day, to promote physical activity.
Alexander asked me if he could bike to school on his own. (The school's about a mile from our house.)
Some qualities about Alexander you should know:
- He's incredibly responsible. Always has been.
- He's very safety conscious.
- He has a great sense of direction.
- He's ridden the route to and from school many times with me.
- He stops at busy intersections, gets off and walks his bike after checking no cars are coming.
So can I ride to school, Dad?
I paused.
I know all these qualities of my son. I love these qualities. Yet, even so, I noticed that my first impulse was to say "No".
Thoughts flew through my head:
- What if a car doesn't see him?
- What if he gets a flat tire?
- What if he can't get his bike lock unlocked?
- What if the bike gets stolen?
- What if a policeman stops him and hassles him for being a biking "free-range" kid? (This has made the national news lately.)
That first instinct was to shut things down.
But I waited to respond. In the pause, I questioned myself:
Where are these thoughts coming from?
I was doing what psychologists call catastrophizing: creating worst-case scenarios in my mind.
My fear was talking: I was afraid to let go of control.
Generally, I'd like to think of myself as an empowering leader. But in that moment of fear, empowerment was the last thing on my mind.
I wasn't interested in serving anyone else. I had no interest in helping Alexander fulfill his potential. I was only interested in my own selfish need to preserve the safety of the status quo.
And if that wasn't enough, my ego felt under attack.
That ego-voice was shouting at me:
Hey, Alain! If Alexander can now ride alone to school, then you are irrelevant. Useless.
I wasn't ready to give up my own need to be needed.
I was blind to the opportunity that biking to school was offering. Not only would Alexander developing more responsibility, I'd be less locked into my role as parent-chauffeur.
So, Dad, whaddya think, can I ride to school by myself?
All of these thoughts–the catastrophizing, justifying, questioning–had happened in about three seconds of clock time.
Thankfully, I'd stayed in that pause of reflection without responding.
I came to my senses. I remembered my primary charge: to steward my son's growth into greater autonomy.
Sure, Alexander, you can ride to school.
I'll admit it: The micro-manager in me almost blurted out:
But make sure to wear your helmet!
But I caught myself in time.
(n.b. No surprise ending here. Everything turned out just fine that day. Alexander now wants to ride to school most mornings.)
Where have you seen leaders (you or others) unwilling to let go of control? What do you think kept them from empowering others? What were the consequences? Join the conversation by leaving a comment below.
by Niklaus Towne
My anger consumes my life and I hate myself for it. As a child, I was hospitalized for my rage. I have tried therapy, group work, meditation, acupuncture, diet changes, exercise regimens, medications, marijuana — but self-control stays out of my reach. Whenever I become stressed, I throw a tantrum. I lash out, scream, and become dangerous. My wife and I want to have a child, but she confesses that she is hesitant to raise a child with a partner so full of rage.
By good fortune, I find myself at a weekend workshop for men on the Pine Ridge Reservation, not far from my home. I do not fully understand the program when I arrive with three of my students. I assume I will sit off to the side and watch them work through their troubles. But I am thrown in – surrounded by over one hundred men from around the world. We begin to go into "inner space" in hopes to become the men we are meant to be. The work is intense. It culminates in "Buffalo Work", wherein the men push you into your own guts and your own heart.
I tremble with anxiety as I step into the circle. The Lakota elders bless the space and I feel the power in the room. The men begin asking questions and I reply only, "Shame, hating myself" before a physical transformation begins to happen. Blood rushes to my head and neck and my ears ring loudly. I cannot keep eye contact with the men and I shake violently. I pour water over myself and plead, "There is something in me, something bad, please get it out!"
Suddenly, I am in the air, held by my chest and my t-shirt. The man holding me pulls the anger from my body – running outside to throw it away. I crumple to the floor and the elders smudge me with sage, hitting it into my body with an eagle wing. Another man scoops me into his lap and holds me while I cry. Through my sobs, I say "I'm sorry". The men forgive me and ask me to forgive myself. I do, and instantly I feel light and hopeful. As I start to recover, the men pick me up and walk me out into the sun, holding me high in the air. I am flying – held by the men who showed me such kindness. The warm sun is on my face. I am loved and accepted.
I am forgiven. The rage is gone. The men ask me, "What is your medicine?"
ManKind Project Durango Helping Teens in High School
by Tim Birchard
The MKP Durango Area Community in southwest Colorado recently collaborated with Durango School District 9R and other local organizations to host the 2nd Annual 'Keys To High School Success' conference for 8th grade boys transitioning to high school.The conference, a character development opportunity for more than 200 boys (up from 90 boys served last year), featured workshops focused on nurturing Responsibility, Perseverance, and Respect. Interactive workshops included hands-on experiences with aikido, drumming, low-ropes courses, and other events designed to help the boys identify and articulate issues related to connecting with the Mature Masculine.
Directly in keeping with MKP's stated purpose of supporting men in leading meaningful lives of integrity, accountability, responsibility, and emotional intelligence, the Keys To High School Success conference was designed and continues to evolve to directly address what eighth-grade boys need most, as prescribed by Ph.D. psychologists Michael Thompson and Dan Kindlon in their seminal study, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (Random House Publishing Group, 2009):
- Give boys permission to have an internal life, approval for the full range of human emotions, and help in developing an emotional vocabulary so that they may better understand themselves and communicate more effectively with others.
- Recognize and accept the high activity level of boys and give them safe boy places to express it.
- Talk to boys in their language—in a way that honors their pride and their masculinity. Be direct with them; use them as consultants and problem solvers.
- Teach boys that emotional courage is courage, and that courage and empathy are the sources of real strength in life.
- Use discipline to build character and conscience, not enemies.
- Model a manhood of emotional attachment.
- Teach boys that there are many ways to be a man.
MKP has signed a Memorandum Of Understanding with School District 9R, and is in official sponsorship supporting Conference needs. For this year's conference, ManKind Project men were involved at all levels, from providing workshops to writing grants to coordinating conference logistics. School District 9R and MKP Durango Area Community plan to continue to grow and enhance that partnership, with MKP Durango Area Community taking over the conference at some point in the near future.
The Colorado School Public Relations Association (COSPRA), an organization dedicated to helping public school district members build stronger ties with their local communities through the practice of public relations, recently recognized the 'Keys To High School Success' conference as an award-winning community effort in the state of Colorado.
"What we found particularly impressive about the 'Keys to Success' is its ambition to positively change the personal behaviors of young male students to help them succeed. 'Keys to Success' is a Medallion Award Winner." — Dan Dougherty, Director of Communications, Mesa County Valley Schools
The planning committee is working to carefully document all aspects of the curriculum in order to build a program that can be easily replicated by school districts and communities across the U.S. The program is aligned with and satisfies state education standards for 8th grade health education in three different tracks: Healthy Relationships, Advocacy, and Positive Self Image.
In an effort to increase and maximize opportunities for 8th grade boys to come into contact with examples of the Mature Masculine, one of the next steps in the evolution of the conference is to bring I-Group circles for the boys into local middle schools. By offering weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly opportunities throughout the school year for connection with experienced MKP men who are doing their work, the Keys To High School Success conference will transform from a stand-alone, annual event into the culmination of a year-long process through which boys becoming young men learn to do their work.
For more information about the Keys To High School Success conference, contact Tim Birchard (email@example.com) or Michael Cahn (email@example.com).
The Dimming Embers – a poem
The Dimming Embers
Into the dimming embers Men blow.
Fire lights exploding, in the glow!
Timbers falling on dusted earth.
Then from the sky, tears of Life falling.
Quenching the thirst of landed seeds.
Leafing into new days of timbers rising!
And so it shall be.
After dimming embers glow.
From fire dusted bark, we grow.
~philippe berthiaume 3/2/2014
Shadow of You – a poem
Shadow of You.
Of light and dust.
And skin and bone.
A man among men.
You were never alone.
Shadow of You.
Of light and dust.
You carried me then.
In your skin and bone.
Shadow of Me.
Of light and dust.
And skin and bone.
A man among men.
I am never alone.
Shadow of You.
Now light and dust.
Not skin and bone.
I carry you now.
In my skin and bone.
A man among men.
We are never alone.
~philippe berthiaume 12/14/14
~honoring the memory of my dad.
All of Me – a poem
by Brooks Harrelson
All of Me
All of my soul wants you,
What part of me can I show you?
My lover wants to hold and care for you,
warm you in the cold nights, and grey spaces,
wrap you in protective blankets of love against
the howl of change and the grief of loss until
the Spring blossoms in your soul, and filling,
lights your smile and your eyes. And,
I want to be held so by you.
My friendly, savage beast wants to romp and play
with you in the fields, nuzzling, chasing, laughing,
tumbling down and down in carnal delight to rise
and start again, from dawn to blissful sunset exhaustion.
Fiercely, wildly, gently, strongly, putting all of myself into you,
and receiving all of creation in return.
My magician wants to look deeply into your eyes,
and connect our souls,
to explore the paths of consciousness and future,
to sail on dreams of possibilities,
and follow our fears to magical gifts of the heart.
My sovereign leaps with joy at your sight,
and would shower you with gifts from abundance.
I want to live at your feet in service,
I want to use the power of our joint magnificence to bless all who surround us,
and to sit, with you, in glory.
The heavens call me and hold my hopes. You are there.
The earth below supports me. I feel you there.
And all these are in my heart, that wants just to touch your heart,
A little.
April '15
Men's Work is a Tug of War
from the Lair of the Wildman
If you had attended Elementary School or High School with me, you would immediately recognize me in this photograph – I am the one up front. In fact, I don't think I was as cool as this kid.
For me, those years in school were a nightmare. Sure, I was usually the last one picked for a team, I was clumsy and pudgy. We didn't have much money and my mother made clothes for me that caused quite a sensation; and teachers usually liked me – a sure fire method for exclusion.
All those truths hurt and caused conflict but the thing I wanted most was to 'belong', and I don't know if its the nature of people or wanting something so badly, but thats the thing I just couldn't have.
That truth is what makes the story that follows compelling for me. Following March's Conversation Circle, where once again 16 men showed up to get real about their shadows and gold, I received an e-mail from a man widely known in the community. This man is a long-time warrior but a man who hangs on the fringes, dresses differently, is a lightning rod for judgement and an self-appointed eccentric. He had heard through a friend of my Conversation Circles and wanted to be included on the e-mail list. My gut response was "No!" That is how I found out I was perfectly willing to be in the background part of the photo too.
So to speak it clearly, I, who was painfully familiar with being made fun of, being excluded, and the butt of sarcasm and even ridicule about things that might or might not have been true – was suddenly willing to perpetrate those acts against another man.
I sat with this unwanted e-mail a few days before responding. By now I had had an opportunity to look more closely in my mirror. I saw a very accurate and unflattering image of my ego and attachment to things that are not even mine – like the beautiful and provocative energy of this circle of men. I saw my fear of having to share, my fear of things changing and the illusion that I have any control over change. Most powerfully, I saw my own need to "feel special" and what I was willing to do to perpetuate that feeling rather than "knowing" that it is inherently true.
A few days later, this man agreed to sit down face to face and talk with me. I had included him on the next e-mail but, there was more work to do. It is worth noting that I was 35 minutes late for that breakfast meeting. He doesn't carry a cell phone and I went to the wrong restaurant (of the same name) and noticed the Universe permitting me to be humbled on my way to being humbled.
After a brief greeting and exchange, I got right to it. "Jim," I said, "Thank you for the e-mail you sent, it gave me a chance to see myself more clearly." I looked in his eyes deliberately, took a deep breath and continued, "When I read it my gut response was that I didn't want to share my group with you. And, that is not the kind of man I choose to be."
Now an amazing thing happened when Jim responded, he said, "Thank you for seeing me brother!" There were no bells nor magical chimes, but I am telling you the world felt a little shifted. Not only that, Jim gave me permission to share our story for the sake of a bigger picture.
Reeling from the blessing I had received in my conversation with Jim, I thought I saw a larger opportunity. Could I share this story with the Circle? What if sharing the truth of my own prejudice and attachment to ego in this regard, could allow more of us to look honestly at the fractured condition of our community of Warrior men? So, with the intention of sharing the 'ugly' truth about myself, I called and personally invited more than a dozen men, who sit on a different side of our tribe to to 'step into' my discomfort with me. The more I called, the easier it got. Hell, those who I didn't have numbers for I Facebook messaged and texted.
To set the tone last Friday, after men landed and checked in, I announced that we were going to have a Tug of War, assigned two Team Captains, and, just like in High School they selected teams one by one. I had a remarkably old and familiar feeling in my gut. It began a meandering and heartfelt exploration of belonging and not.
Of wanting and not daring to want.
I was, until this moment, ambivalent about disclosing to you that, aside from Jim, not a single man I called personally showed up. However, I just realized what the real Tug of War is.
The Confusion that Leads to Distraction and Overwhelm
guest post by Alain Hunkins – Pioneer Leadership
Some months back, I shared a post (The Antidote to the Interruption Age) about how we're no longer in the information age–we now live in the interruption age.
Do you feel more overwhelmed and distracted than you used to?
If your experience is anything like many of the leaders I work with, you probably answered yes.
Part of the reason we're so much more distracted than ever before is quite simple: there are a lot more things to distract us than ever before.
Before technology enabled us to create a boundary-less world where we could work, connect and consume 24/7, we didn't have this kind of access. It's as if we're now swimming in a perpetual ocean of information.
As exciting as riding these waves this can be, this swimming can easily turn into floundering–on a good day, we're treading water. On a bad day, it can feel like drowning.
The cause?
We confuse opportunity with priority.
It's a shiny, glittering window that magnetizes the senses. Looking through its frame is thrilling.
Like the Sirens that called to Odysseus, opportunity offers you possibilities at every turn. There are the obvious distractions:
- Read this about this horrible tragedy/natural disaster!
- Learn about what great lives your friends are having!
- Get the inside scoop on your favorite celebrity!
or the more subtle ones:
- Call this client back who never buys, but is real friendly to talk to.
- Check in with a colleague to once again "vent at the appropriate level".
- Read more articles on what I'm working on, because I need to do more research before producing.
Opportunity is sneaky: it travels at the speed of thought, so you can imagine a glorious outcome without putting in any effort.
Priority moves slower. It travels at the speed of action. Rather than surfing the waves, working a priority means staying on shore, grounded and focused on whatever's most important.
Priority translates into work. What needs to be done right now? What do I need to move forward?
- Call these five prospects.
- Do the laundry.
- Finish that report.
- Have that difficult conversation.
Opportunity is usually attractive and sexy.
Priority: not so much.
I recently came across a quote that seems particular appropriate to this:
"Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the Internet."
What do you do to keep your priorities straight, and not get caught riding the waves of potential opportunities? Join the conversation by leaving a comment below.
Stones of My Fathers – a poem
Stones of My Fathers
Stones of my Fathers.
Mud under foot.
The Great Pyramids of Egypt and Mexico.
Laid by your hands.
I honor you.
Stones of my Fathers.
Cobbles under foot.
America, Europe, the Middle East.
Laid by your hands.
I honor you.
Stones of my Fathers.
Marbled Cathedrals, Temples, and Mosques.
Made by your hands.
I honor you.
Stones of my Fathers.
Carved blocks.
Michelangelo's David.
The Slave's White House.
Made by your hands.
I honor you.
Stones of my Fathers.
Wailing walls from Boston to Berlin,
Jerusalem, and China.
Segregated in. Segregated out.
Laid by your hands.
I cry with you.
Stones of my Fathers.
Crushed under foot, flat and smooth.
With painted lines, yellow and white.
Laid not by your hands.
Now stained with Red.
I cry with you.
Stones of my Fathers.
Carved with names.
Bones of the innocent.
Dying on you.
New York City.
Los Angeles.
Stones of my Fathers.
I pray for you.
~philippe berthiaume 4/24/15
Prodigal Father, Wayward Son – a Book by Sam & Gifford Keen
by Boysen Hodgson
I read "Fire in the Belly" in my early 20's. It was a powerful addition to my list of favorite personal development books, along with "The Book; on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are,""Way of the Peaceful Warrior," "The Road Less Travelled," and "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." Yes, I was a young man searching.
Sam Keen's powerful voice for the sacred masculine was terrifying and liberating. It felt unattainable. Maybe it was. Now, in 2015, as a man in my mid-forties, the masculinity presented in "Fire in the Belly" still resonates. And, with the progress of time and culture, it doesn't feel as transcendent as what I see some men actually living.
Though the message he brought was radical, Sam Keen was still a man of his time. Sam Keen, as a father, a husband, and a working man, was different than the stereotype of the 1960's corporate suburban provider, but his expressions of the values of manhood were a horizontal shift rather than an up-level into a new paradigm. His realisations about manhood were an essential and natural next step in an evolutionary process, similar to what Robert Bly captured in "Iron John." Modern man's search for the intersection of life-giving power without Patriarchy's death-dealing oppression. It was a vision of men trying to kindle a spark of wildness in a time that felt deadening, and find their tender hearts in a time when their hearts felt hardened.
Some things have changed. Many have not. The evolution of our gender system is ongoing, and progress happens. I am fiercely optimistic. I see men living with power and compassion all around me. I see men awakened. Sam Keen played a role in this emergence – and for that I am deeply grateful.
"Prodigal Father, Wayward Son" the new book co-written by Sam Keen and his son Gifford Keen is reflective of the unintended consequences of the kind of manhood that a younger Keen wrote about, and a beautiful testament to the power of vulnerability, truth-telling and forgiveness. It is a series of stories told by Father to Son and Son to Father on a path to reconciliation.
Gifford and Sam Keen offer up the past unflinchingly. Sometimes it's difficult to read. But what I loved about the book is the tenderness that emerges in the empathy that they discover together. It takes hard work to get there. It takes a level of personal responsibility and vulnerability only achieved through effort over time, the kind of effort that requires a fire in the belly.
I was fortunate to speak with Gifford and Sam in February 2015, shortly after the book was published. I believe that the Sam Keen I spoke with is a wonderful example of the evolution I explore above. What I experienced in the conversation with Sam and Gifford were men whose hearts were wide open, compassionate, and ready to speak the truth.
See the full interview here.
40 Powerful Purpose Quotes from Across the Ages
by Brandon Peele
Since the beginning of history, humans have had a deep relationship to their life's purpose, and sought to gift future generations with this message, weaving purpose into art, philosophy, literature and religions. Our ancestors who heeded the call of purpose, who made their life's purpose central, reached unheralded levels of achievement, fulfillment and spiritual realization.
Need a lift? Need some inspiration? Check out PurposeUpgrade.com for a free 75 minute Webinar – "Purpose 2.0 – Upgrade Your 'Internal Operating System' for a High Impact Life." If you want change in the world – and in your own life – it's time to upgrade your operating system.
This gallery of 40 purpose quotes is only the tip of the iceberg for what is out there. Leaders of all kinds from throughout history have arrived at a similar place … KNOWING and LIVING from a deep sense of purpose is key to feeling fulfillment, significance, and belonging.
Guest Post: Spice Up Your Relationship with a Blind Date
Want to learn and experience something new with your partner? Try going on a "blind date". Here's how it worked for Michael J. Russer.
– –
by Michael Russer, originally published at the Good Men Project
My partner and I wanted to do something different and adventurous for Valentine's Day. So she had this idea about us going on a "blind date". Where we would meet at a restaurant and bar as if being set up by our mutual friend "Bill". The idea was to stay totally in character (i.e. as if we had just met) throughout the entire meeting and dinner. And what came out of this exercise was not only surprising, it certainly spiced up the rest of our evening during the "debrief" phase.
Getting Lost at the Bar
We decided that we would "meet" in the bar lounge area of the restaurant, one that overlooked the entire city of Santa Barbara where we live (very romantic I must say.) I actually saw her arrive and go into the lounge area, and what I thought was the ladies room. So I picked a nice spot on one of the couches near the fire place as I waited for her to come out. And I waited, and waited. Then I started thinking: "What the hell happened? Where did she go?"
So I got up and walked around until I found her actually sitting at the bar, looking very sexy as she sipped her glass of Chardonnay. As I walked up to her I was thinking how typical this must be in other blind date situations –the awkward initial trying to spot each other before formal introductions.
"Excuse me, are you Jacky?"
Once it became clear that I was her blind date, we shook hands and retired back to the couch as we waited for our table. Now we were firmly in the "let's get to know a little more about each other" phase. You know how it goes, a certain measured charm, a sly look here, a subtle grin there. I didn't want to come off as being too anxious or make it blatantly obvious that I thought she was absolutely gorgeous and whip smart. Likewise, while being relatively animated and engaging, she didn't immediately let on that she thought I was quite charming with a good sense of humor.
My God, we really got into our roles as we started "learning" more about each other through questions and observation. Without question, as most couples experience in this kind of initial pairing, we both put on subtle airs and just a bit of pretense. Which is so weird to experience given that our real relationship has neither. So in some ways it was like an out-of-body experience (at least for me) as I observed our interaction. I actually found myself wondering if she felt I was passing muster as someone "interesting".
Being a Real Klutz in a Pretend Situation
After about thirty minutes of pleasantries on the coach our table was ready. As we stood up I almost knocked her drink into her dress. I felt so embarrassed, actually much more so than if we weren't in character. Apparently, there was a part of me that totally believed we were meeting for the first time and worried what a lousy first impression I must have made with my clumsiness.
Dinner was incredible. The food, ambiance and spectacular views. We both drank it all in as we continued to relax a bit and reveal just a bit more of our vulnerable true selves as we took our time eating. Even our conversation became a bit more playful as we let our guards down just a bit. Clearly, this "blind date" seemed to be going in the right direction for both of us.
After we finished dinner we walked hand-in-hand (she really let her guard down I must say) around the beautiful property surrounding the restaurant. Eventually however, our "date" had to come to an end and we went our separate ways (we each drove there) after saying how much we enjoyed the evening.
The Debrief
Of course the "going our separate ways" thing didn't last very long as she drove over to my place where we debriefed and shared our experience with each other. Here are some of the things we discovered from our little experiment:
- Staying in character was surprisingly easy. We both really got into it without a hint of a snicker or knowing wink that would have broken the spell. It was if we were in a play-–very cool to experience.
- We received a fresh perspective of each other. Since we didn't meet this way in reality and our courtship started out as strictly friends first, we had never experienced that "aha" moment that comes with a fixed "date" situation. We were both able to observe the other on how genuine and engaging (or not) we would have been if we met within this kind of context.
- My partner confessed that she spent extra time picking out the right dress and spending a couple of hours at the beauty salon. She pointed out that she actually enjoyed a great deal preparing for our 'meeting' and broke the routine of thinking 'why bother, it's just him'. It did actually push her to do something she doesn't do regularly and enjoyed the experience of looking beautiful for the 'blind date'.
Interestingly, it also gave each of us a whole new appreciation and respect for the other. Think about this for a moment. This experiment could have actually gone sideways. What if one of us really didn't like the way the other was coming off (something I actually considered.) It could have tainted our real relationship. Instead, we seemed to have developed an even deep bond, respect and attraction for each other.
My partner and I have a relationship based upon mutual authenticity, respect, trust and a great sense of adventure. And as with any adventure there is risk, but with this risk is the reward of a far richer relationship that is anything but stale. So next time you feel you and your significant other may have fallen into a boring routine, spice it up a bit and go on a "blind date". In addition to opening your eyes, it will open your heart as well.
From Dad's Toolbox
from the Lair of the Wildman
There's a wrong I'd like to right. The man I wronged is dead, so I am asking you to hear my truth in this regard. If it resonates, so be it, or, share your truth.
I was 48 when I first heard of a Warrior Weekend and the idea that there were other men in the world that wondered . . . 'is this it, is this what being a man is?' was foreign to me. I was hungry for the company of men I just didn't know it, I was more often hiding behind the skirts of women, looking for validation. Or just plain hiding.
I grew up in Minnesota in the 60's, the son of a hard-working, high-school educated man. He was plain-spoken, raised on a farm (that I cherished), he cried once that I can remember – when his father died, he was a perfectionist, and, he was profoundly unavailable to me emotionally.
I took this personally and when I began to spend time with men, it became fashionable for me, in reviewing the life I had with my father, to proclaim that he really wan't much of a father, or, that he didn't have much to give and therefore could really be the father I needed. I want to amend that story I made up.
Richard was a self-taught carpenter. He spent most of his early to middle working life in the employ of developers and the year I was twelve he had a great partner. Every day, for months that year, Dad and Bob hung 100 sheets of rock a day. It was the equivalent of five houses a week. Do words written with unabashed pride read differently? Richard was 48 that year and it wasn't long after that he went into business for himself.
Richard was how I worked my way through college. Not every son gets to know the intimacies of this ancient father/son dance, but some do and I count my self lucky. As fortunate as I feel, know too that working for a father is a bugger. A perfectionist is seldom a perfectionist unto themselves and so it was with dad. My work and ethic was under constant and unwavering scrutiny. This was especially true in the world where 'plumb' and 'level' reside. As an adolescent, I was frequently given to 'good enough'. I didn't get it.
Let me put it another way. The idea that all things are 'connected' doesn't emerge from Buddhist philosophy; it came from a carpenter, and he wasn't born with it, its functional wisdom that is the product of trial and error. Try building a wall on a floor that isn't level. Try hanging a door in a wall that isn't plumb. Install a window or cabinet in a room and, damn, if one thing doesn't lean on the other. There's something sneaky about plumb and level because a degree here, is a foot on the other side of the room. The consequence of being inattentive in this moment, can mean unforeseen tragedy a month or a year down the road. Gives me pause even now.
When I was 28, a buddy and I built a cabin in the foothills of Mt. Shasta in northern California. My emotionally unavailable father drove the straight 46 hours out with me in a Jeep Wrangler to help. We didn't talk so much about life, but he brought his tool box.
When I was later married and at 33 started to build another cabin on a lake in western Wisconsin. My father spent weeks and months helping me finish the place. We disagreed on politics, religion, and gutters but he brought his tool box.
Then, at 42, in an attempt to save my marriage we sold everything and bought a run down 100-acre farm.to 'start over', It was an 80-year-old man who brought his tool box and drove the 80 miles out to help where he could. Finally, divorced, I moved back in with dad to help him out with his Cancer diagnosis and collect myself, I began to go through his tools and when he died in June of 2012, I used some of them to build his casket. He loved the long clear grain of fir.
I reflect from time to time on the things I have built in my life and recognize with a flush, that I didn't clearly see what dad was really giving me.
The first stone
from the Lair of the Wild Man
When my eyes opened this morning, my head had been working for some time already. I woke with a late-night conversation poking at my sensibilities and weighing on my heart. A man I have known only briefly through social media has begun to interject divisive, strongly rhetorical conservative talking points to my posts. We disagree fiercely on core issues. When I sit with this kind of conflict, I see the same tension replaying inself in every arena of daily life. Is it any wonder then, even elevator conversations are either heated or paralyzed? Our debates happen to be political or reflections on ethics and society, and its heavy stuff. But it isn't just those conversations. . .
I found myself on a page with a video highlighting the reintroduction of wolves to Yellowstone. The cinematography was brilliant, the voice over powerful and measured. The posts that followed were divisive, angry and polarized. Not only did participants display complete irreverence for the other side's views, posts were nasty and filled with name calling and actual threats.
A similar feeling came to me last night while I was watching PBS and a special by the BBC on the work of a northern Minnesota man who has been collaring and tracking black bears, bringing their struggle into the light. The response? Supporters are simple-minded liberal tree-huggers and the detractors are actively hunting the projects collared Research bears. Seems we are a binary as computers.
With my Facebook friend, my 'facts' are no better, no more persuasive than his. Moreover, (as he quickly points out) it seems most of the 'facts' cited in social media these days have been designed to be used and shared and repeated in just this manner by a public beleaguered with sound bites, memes and hyperbole. I believe we are being 'used'. There's something happening to civil discourse. In fact, even the words seem obsolete.
I reached out to him privately recently and suggested, "You are the loudest voice I hear across this river that divides us. If I forego what I think I know and I lay this stone down at my feet in your direction, could it be the first stone of a bridge we build between us?"
What if I forego what I think I know and lay this stone down?
That, my friends, is the work of the Wild Man. And if you'd ask it of a friend, would you ask it of yourself?
The Price of a Cubicle
from the Lair of the Wild Man
Some years ago now, I danced with a bawdy band of bough-brandishing brigands. We performed under the name General Hardware and danced Border Morris, an ancient English/Welsh men's folk dance with sticks. There was a particular event that opened my eyes and this is that story. It comes back to me whenever men wonder about the nature of the Wild Man.
The evening was a cold one in early November and we gathered, shivering as we waited to perform at a Samhain festival in western Wisconsin. Samhain is a Gaelic celebration that marks the end of the harvest season and, the descent into darkness. Yes, it is a pagan ritual.
On this moonless evening twelve of us gather to lead the procession into the great circle where the Corn King resides. Eight of the men gathered will be dancing with bleached, antlered deer skulls. Tonight we are dancing the Abbots Bromley Horn Dance and it predates all the other dances we know. It is a trudging sort of dirge of a dance that requires pairs to 'meet' and click their antlers.
In accordance with the ancient tradition, the remaining four dancers don the garb of the British archetypes, the Hunter, the Fool, the Betty and the Hobby horse. Those Brits are a strange lot after all.
A wordless signal goes out and our troupe, along with a gifted, chilled fiddler begin our somber trudge to visit the King. We are followed on a winding dirt path, lit by an occasional candle, by as many as 80 guests for whom this has become an annual ritual. We have become a somber and wild spectacle of a procession.
As we weave through the woods I can hear children giggling and parents whispering. Rounding the last corner reveals the circle of the King and he is something to behold. He centers the circle of flaming torches and stands fire-lit and 16 feet tall. He is the creative genius of the man who holds these events and has taken about two months to build. I helped one year and filled the King's wooden pallet legs with the fallen debris of the forest. Once the body of the sculpture is build and filled, dried corn stalks are stapled all around to finish the effect and spread the flames quickly. Rising from a powerful chest are the Gaelic wings for this king will burn brightly before he flies to the Norns – the old hags of mythology.
Now the forest is a buzz. I can feel the excitement, the pulse of all things. The King is enormous, and well-endowed, a reminder of the importance and the gift of fertility. More giggling. The host of this grand visage steps boldly to the front and asks three questions. First, "Are you living the life you want to live?" Silence. Furtive glances all around and many heads down, too. Second, "If not, who did you give your power to?" More silence, deeper and darker. And finally, the knife. "And, when are you going to take it back?" Words fail me. Who has ever spoken thusly?
Then, out of the crowd an old hag appears hobbling toward the King in a long black tent of a gown. She and her staff wobble, and her nose is like a craig. She cackles as she walks. Even as she struggles forward, there is a giddiness about her. Ah! She carries the flame. As she stoops to the dry stalks at her feet her face reflects the first glow and she is gone. Quickly, the small tongues of flame race around the base of the man and upward, upward! Now all the faces in the gathered crowd are golden and awestruck.
One day, years later, I was describing this evening, this wonder to a made man – a hedge fund manager. HIs jaw went slack, he stood for the twenty minutes bound by the words and images and said, "people really do this?" He came back every day for days and each day we spoke of it with reverence. I remember thinking then, as now, there is a great price paid for the comfort of a cubicle. For the regular, mind-numbing obedience to the machine of Civilization and its twin Industrialization. I cannot be, nor would I choose to be all Wild Man, but I work to integrate that energy and hold dear the Wild Moments.
Getting Lucky vs. Hooking Up – guest post
by Michael Russer, reprinted with permission from The Good Men Project
Here's why today's "hook up" millennials may be our best hope yet for a shift towards true intimacy.
– – –
When I was the age of today's millennial men I thought about one thing when it came to women—getting "lucky". This was something that didn't happen all that often, hence why the term "getting lucky" was so apropos. In our current culture getting lucky has been replaced by "hooking up" where having sex is about the same as ordering a cheeseburger with animal-style fries at your local In-N-Out burger joint.
At first blush this may seem like culturally we are going backwards with respect to relationships. However, I contend that the millennials are well positioned to take the next evolutionary step towards truly conscious intimate relationships because of the prevalent hook-up culture. Just stay with me for a bit, you will see where I'm going with this.
Surprising attention from the Ritalin Generation
What I'm about to share is strictly anecdotal. However I've experienced it so many times I believe there is a fundamental shift happening. As a fully impotent prostate cancer survivor I speak and write about extraordinary intimacy to people of all ages, orientations and stages of relationship. What I have noticed (surprisingly so) is that the millennials in my audiences seem to be extremely interested in achieving truly connected intimacy which seems totally counter to the casual sexual behavior so ascribed to this generation.
Too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing
Here's what I think is going on. In a hook up encounter, sex is so accessible that it essentially becomes just a form of mutual masturbation for the primary purpose of releasing sexual tension. Within this context there is rarely, if any semblance of true connection between the parties. And without connection there is no intimacy. And it is that lack of intimacy that becomes the unfillable hole that so wants to be fulfilled. Therefore there is this huge disconnect between sex and intimacy (generally speaking) for the millennials.
At least in the days of "getting lucky", when we actually did get lucky it was so special we often associated a deeper connection with the other person, whether the encounter warranted it or not. That is, getting lucky seemed to be a far more transcendent experience than just getting off. And it's this lack of experiencing transcendence that I feel our millennials crave. And this kind of transcendence typically can only come from risking a deep, authentic and vulnerable connection with another human being, be it on the emotional, physical or even spiritual level.
Maslow's hierarchy of intimacy
In Maslow's model of the hierarchy of human needs, base-level needs (i.e. survival, food, clothing, shelter) come first. Then procreative needs show up as a strong second place (i.e. sex drive). As these lower level needs are met, people will (as the theory goes) seek to meet higher level needs, with self-actualization being the highest.
For much of the developed world, most of their lower level needs are met. This leaves a craving for higher level ones –including the feeling of transcendence (which is a form of self-actualization) that can occur during intimate encounters. So viewed through this lens, hooking up is certainly a way to address ancient procreative urges, but does nothing for achieving a deeper level of connection between partners.
The fact that many millennials seem to feel and acknowledge this emptiness is actually a good thing. This means they are *aware* of what is missing / possible –a critical first step to change and being open to exploring how to achieve the deeper intimacy they crave. Whereas I find many men in my "getting lucky" generation not as open to this same exploration –perhaps because that sense of emptiness is not as strong as it is with the millennials.
There is hope yet…
The passing of the baton from one generation to another is always interesting to observe. The older generation gives it over with a mixture of relief and concern. The new generation, always different, takes it with a mixture of confidence and trepidation.
I think we have much to hope for in our current generation of millennials. I personally find them to be very caring, intelligent, and most importantly –ready for much more in terms of deep, connecting intimacy than what their hook up culture suggests. And for that, I am grateful to and for them.
Three Ways to Kill Routine and Revive Your Romance
by Michael Russer, Reprinted with permission from the Good Men Project
At some point most relationships end up in the rut of routine, here is a sure-fire way to get out of it and stay out for good.
Ever drive to work only to arrive and remember little if anything about the details of how you got there? That is one of the ways routine shows up in our lives. We put things on autopilot and let our subconscious do the "driving" as it were. This is also closely related to the destination of most routine activities –our comfort zone.
This is one of our ways of not having to be particularly conscious or present to every single thing we do. It can make some things more efficient, but almost by definition, it also means we are not fully present or available to new possibilities. And that therein lies the problem of allowing relationships to fall into routine. It has been my personal experience that relationship routine left unchecked can lead to the slow death of even the greatest of relationships.
Fortunately I believe there is a way out of this relationship rut and ways to keep out of it. What I'm about to share is simply my opinion based upon personal experience and observation of others. Feel free to take whatever value you may see here and ignore the rest.
Routine = Not Present
Let's start with the premise that any time you do or participate in something routine it also means you are not fully (i.e. consciously) present. If we accept that idea then it is fairly easy to see how couples allow aspects of their relationship to become routine (which quite often includes the bedroom). And that outcome right there is the primary reason routine can kill relationships. It is my belief, supported by experience, that for any relationship to thrive it requires both parties being fully present for each other at least part of the time. And most importantly, during physical intimacy. Sex without presence is not true intimacy / connection. It may be great for getting off, but does nothing to deepen and strengthen the relationship.
Three Steps to Breaking the Routine
You know how your car has warning lights indicating something is wrong or about to go wrong? Well, relationships have them too, they are just more subtle. If you don't remember the last time you both did something really different and fun, that my friend is a relationship warning light indicating you have started to slip into the rut of routine.
If you find you and your significant other have fallen into routines that are beginning to dull the spark you once had, here are three steps you can take to immediately break free from it:
- Acknowledge It – this means both parties being willing to authentically and vulnerably communicate what each sees as disconnecting / boring routines that have taken over the relationship. This particularly includes aspects of your physical intimacy. It is crucial to first get out in the open what each sees as routines that are stultifying the relationship.
- Be Willing to Get out of Your Comfort Zone – as mentioned earlier, the primary reason we fall into routine is that it feels comfortable and non-threatening. This means that if you truly want to break free of your routines each of you must be willing to go outside your comfort zone to allow possibilities to present themselves that neither of you even expected to exist. For example, my partner and I spent this past Halloween not only in San Francisco, the mecca for colorful display of people in costume, but in the very "anything goes" Castro district. Do you see what I'm mean about doing something "different"? We had a blast.
- Be Adventurous – consider things neither of you have done before but might be interesting to both. It is in the spirit of adventure and seeing what shows up that my partner and I keep routine at bay. And frankly, it is usually an incredible amount of fun and often insightful. We love discovering new things about people, the world and of course, each other. And the only sure way to do that is be open to that possibility. Here's another example. Instead of driving the car to downtown San Francisco we took public transportation. What an amazing array of costumes we saw. The fun started right there and then, that set the tone for the rest of our evening.
And here's the cool part of all this. When you each authentically acknowledge routines that are preventing the relationship from getting richer, get out of your comfort zone and do it with a spirit of adventure and discovery, you both are being very, very present for each other. Now all this almost begs the question as to how you are able to stay in this kind of space where there is little room for routine…
Discipline Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Ironically, it takes quite a bit of discipline from both parties to keep yourselves out of a relationship rut. That's because our minds are very tricky about turning anything new into yet another routine. There is a thin line separating cherished "traditions" from boring routines.
Here are some of the things my partner and I do to keep things fresh, exciting and giving that sneaky rut wide berth:
- Take Short Trips – we do our best to travel, even relatively short distances, to places neither of us have been before or infrequently.
- Try New Restaurants – at least once a month we try some new restaurant just because.
- Check Out New and Different Activities around Town – my Sweetie is particularly good at this. She is constantly scanning the local paper for new and interesting things, events etc.
- Play New Games – I recently taught my partner how to play Monopoly (she's from Brazil and never heard of it before) and now she loves it!
- Attend Interesting Lectures – we both have minds that are insatiably curious so we are always on the lookout for new and interesting things to learn.
- Be Erotically Adventurous – it seems we are always exploring the boundaries of what is possible with respect to our emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy and have yet to find any limits.
Every week we look to do and explore something different. We may not always succeed, but the very act of being disciplined about it keeps things fresh for us.
While all of this may seem to be quite a bit of work (it sometimes is), we both find it to be far superior to the alternative: a dull, lifeless relationship that never gets better.
Guest Post: A Blessing and a Challenge for the New Year
Republished with permission from Masculinity-Movies.com by Eivind Figenschau Skjellum
(video greeting at the bottom)
2014 has been a year of enormous change and growth for me and most of the people I know and love.
If you are someone who is in honest conversation with your life, I bet you've had the same experience. We are in many ways in over our heads, with lives full of activity. And while "activity" used to mean that we do a lot of different things in the outer time-space dimension, this rapidity has long since infiltrated our inner worlds as well.
The consequence is that we seem to be transforming, for better or worse, faster than ever before. People seem to be "popping" all over the place. Indeed, waking up from the trance of conventional life seems no longer reserved for hardcore meditators only.
We have become fed up with the "old world", have we not? This tight-assed, hyper-rational, consumerist, destructive, depressed world seems to be gradually losing its grip on humanity, and while its consciousness should never be eliminated (it's part of the spiral of evolution that we all must traverse), it looks set to lose its status as top dog.
This is good news!
The bad news is that on the way down, it seems quite willing to take the whole eco-system with it. You would think the problem is "out there", but this process towards ecological collapse is fuelled by normal folks like you and I who are simply too busy, challenged or depressed to go looking for the answers to their problems in their inner worlds. So instead, they keep buying shit they don't need, polluting both their inner lives and the planet in the process. We are probably the most addicted people the world has ever known.
This planet has everything we need to thrive. And if we were to take this opportunity to turn towards lives of sanity, our future looks bright indeed. But for that to happen, we must, in a sense, die.
Failing identity structures in a changing world
"The world is changed. I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air". Thus opens the start of the extended edition of the Lord of the Rings epic. For those who have done deep inner work and opened the door to mysticism in their lives, Galadriel's words ring true these days. The other day, I could feel it as an "electric charge" and an otherworldly, pregnant silence in the air. A friend described it as "the quiet before the storm".
It seems that these shifts in the collective soul of humanity and the spiritual air we breathe are causing large numbers of people to come face to face with their false identity structures. I went through this process in 2014 and many of my friends either did go through it or are in it now. We became so allergic to ourselves (a concept poet David Whyte talks about beautifully) that we were forced to drop our attachments to our old world identity structures and fall into the alchemical crucible of underworld initiation.
And in this dropping of old world relics from our inner geographies, landscapes of connectedness and mysticism seem to open up. This isn't woo-woo. Such phenomena are studied at esteemed learning institutions such as Harvard and MIT (check out the research of Robert Kegan or Susann Cook-Greuter for more information).
Not only are serious practitioners hitting their Nekyia journeys, en route to their fully incarnate Sovereignty, "normal people" are starting to wake up as well. I have made my own contribution to this process, particularly with my Inner Throne work, and many, I'm happy to say, have been waking up through material I've offered. (I'm obviously not talking about enlightenment here, but of becoming introduced to some bedrock truths about who we are and how we operate.)
What is going on?
It seems we are at a stage in human history where the forces of evolution have pressed the red "nitro" button and are speeding forth into some sort of crescendo. (remember those fun driving games from back in the 90s?)
Where are we headed?
I'm reading about Carl Jung's life now, and am intrigued and impressed by the level of guidance he opened to in his life. He was a truly remarkable man. In 1913, he had a premonition of bad tidings in the world, just like in Galadriel's voiceover. And as we all know, World War I started the year after.
Dr. Jung was clearly a very intuitive, tuned in man and I doubt not for a second that his premonition was more than mere coincidence. So when one conscious man can put his finger on the world pulse and read it accurately, what are we to think when thousands of conscious people simultaneously feel the exact same thing? What are we to make of this persistent collective feeling that we are moving towards the point of "make it or break it"? Shall we adopt the ostrich strategy and pretend nothing's going on?
Or shall we rise to the task and assume responsibility for a world which hovers periluously close to disaster?
Armageddon fantasies
The world is so beautiful. Yet, it can be a pretty scary place. For the ecological crisis isn't our only one: Large parts of humanity are now fanning the flames of their wet armageddon fantasies. Millions of "right believers" are concurrently, from opposite sides of the globe, invoking the end of the world. "Chosen people" mythologies like those of right wing Christians and radical Muslims hold that the old world must end before the new world will be reborn. The consequence is that they will, more or less consciously, encourage any developments in the world that promote the coming of the end times. Essentially, the sooner the world goes to shit the better. In their mind, you see, there is such a thing as paradise, and it is not on earth as we know it! (that's what happens when you exile the Lover archetype to the afterlife)
So understand that there are many people who think that the world should end as soon as possible and that anything you do in service of saving it is actually an obstacle to the fulfillment of their chosen people mythology. Of course, you can't campaign politically with such ideas, but that still doesn't prevent you from being run by them.
When you understand that millions of people – and a large percentage of Fox News-watching Americans andpoliticians – actually live within this paradigm, you may start getting very scared indeed.
And this is but the start of the challenges we are faced with!
Ah, humanity! We sure made a mess of it this time.
Becoming guardians of the balance
If you are one of the many who have had a glimpse of reality – who have seen the true face of madness that (still) governs humanity – you cannot anymore pretend to be okay with conventional living. And I believe 2015 is a year when you will need to accept the consequences of what you have seen more fully than ever before. This is a blessing and a curse. It will give rise to tremendous joy, even bliss. And it will fill you with despair.
This much is clear to me: When you take the red pill, you can't undo it. You can't plug back into illusion as if you hadn't seen the truth. That's for characters in movies only. As one who knows, you must either assume leadership in the process of birthing the "new world" or you must suffer deeply trying to pretend you can be happy in the old. The suffering you may experience in 2015 is simply your soul's way of telling you that you're out of alignment with reality. Trust it.
And know that there is a wave of awakening washing over the world. This is not some trite new-age concept; I see signs of it in my life every day, as I'm in the privileged position of counting some of the most powerful change agents in the world as friends.
What I want for you, dear reader, is that you let yourself be inspired by all of this. There has never before, in the whole history of humanity, been a time when the forces of the world have been more perfectly aligned for individuals like you to discover and give their Great Work. This is a gift to you. It also happens to be a moral imperative. Your life plays a crucial role in getting us all safely through this unfolding human drama. If you discover what you are here to do, and then do it, all of us will have a better chance of making it through.
And by plugging in to the global network of change agents who are actively taking on these challenges, you will discover friendships unlike any you ever before have experienced. In the real world, staying in the matrix simply isn't as fun as unplugging from it.
Here's the deal: If fulfillment and empowered masculinity is what you're after, you don't really have a choice; you must engage with the battle for the soul of humanity as soon as possible. Anything else will be out of integrity with your deepest calling and the depression and suffering you feel will remind you of it every day.
You can tell the degree to which you are on the right track from your level of addictive behavior. If you are severely addicted, yet thinking idealistic thoughts, you're still a symptom of the disease and not the cure. Having nice ideas is not enough – you must engage with life. You must accept your destiny as a guardian of the balance of the world.
Our survival is at stake. Wake up.
May 2015 be your best year ever
There's a lot of talk in the world of self-development of creating your perfect life. Yes, it's important to have a good life. I want that for you, just like I want that for myself. But it's a limited perspective. Thinking that the purpose of your existence is merely to create a good life for yourself will create a bad life for yourself. For a good life is found in giving. Learning to receive openly is more important than you may think, but learning to give sustainably is even more so. In fact, it seems that your level of happiness is in direct proportion to the level of service you are offering to others.
In some strange and ironic way, your life is not really about you. This is what I want you to wake up to in 2015. You live to be fully given away. You must die an empty vessel or what you die with is regrets.
I will give all of my energy to this global alchemy in the time to come. And I would be honored if you let me play a part in your awakening. The Reclaim your Inner Throne workshops and online training are powerful ways of unplugging from illusion and putting you on the path to Sovereignty (see calendar). And I offer powerful one-on-one coaching for those who want to take it deeper.
Whether you choose to work with me or not, I sincerely hope – from the very bottom of my heart – that this becomes an amazing year for you. Truly, there has never been a better time for amazing years. But the stakes are high, higher than they ever have been. You may find that you will have to give up a lot of things which you hold dear to manifest this joyful life of service.
As for me and Masculinity-Movies.com, I don't know for sure what will happen. My energy will go to where it has the greatest impact. I love connecting with you here on this site, and if that keeps changing lives, I will keep doing it. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, is that you will find me hard at work spreading Inner Throne work in the world. And I would love to see you in a workshop or an online training soon!
A very happy new year to you, friends and followers of Masculinity-Movies.com. May you rise and rise again, with heart and with fierceness, and become who you truly are.
My best wishes for your best year ever,
Eivind Figenschau Skjellum,
Founder of Masculinity-Movies.com
and creator of the Inner Throne process
Symbols of Transformation – Talisman
by Randy Marks
Nine years ago, I joined the Mankind Project (MKP.org) after completing the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA). The Project changes the world by helping men heal and serve others, including their families, friends, and all humanity.
The Talisman I received at that NWTA is probably my most valued possession. It originally was just a red pouch on a leather cord. Over the years, I added a lot of beads and other objects. Some I got at other trainings and retreats. But most came at the end of the end of NWTAs that I staffed for other men.
Staffing 36 NWTAs has given me new friends and much more. I've had the privilege of helping and witnessing hundreds of men transform their lives by healing their wounds, embracing a mission of service, and connecting with other men. And I've grown as a man by working on goals at each staffing, such as to empowering other men to be brilliant, and having more faith in myself.
By working on the goals and being open to learning something entirely unexpected, I have transformed myself. I hardly recognize the annoying, anxious, controlling, and self-loathing man that I was nearly a decade ago, though I confess those qualities still sometimes emerge.
So I treasure my Talisman as picture of my journey to being a loving and powerful man. It represents lessons learned, gifts given and received, transformation and empowerment, and, most of all, love.
Sunlight Defeats Shame
by Dave Klaus
I have a very different relationship with shame than I did a few years ago. Indeed, as I have learned to forgive and love myself, it rarely comes up at all. But when it does, I choose to dig right in, glean any useful information from the feeling, and then let it go.
But I used to feel a lot of shame.
I truly believed that there was something terribly wrong with me; that I was a freak, a weirdo, sui generis: truly alone in the world. Whenever I made a mistake, rather than forgive myself, I just added another reason to feel bad.
The data isn't really that useful, but here are some examples of things I used to feel shame about: having bad acne, telling lies, being lazy, having little ability to talk with girls/women, being privileged, being spoiled, being mean to people, and best of all, shame for being ashamed.
The voice of shame is powerful. Unlike guilt, which is feeling bad for doing some specific act, shame is feeling bad just for Being. Sociologist Brene Brown usefully defines shame as the fear of disconnection: a fear that if any other human were ever to truly know me and see into my soul, they would recoil in disgust and shun me forever.
The cruel irony of this belief is that it leads to a most insidious cure. When I act out of shame, my clumsy effort to protect myself from judgment and separation leads me to present a false front to the world; to isolate and hide myself.
The "cure" thus produces the very "disease" I was trying to avoid: Being Alone!
It went something like this when shame started talking: "You're a fraud, a faker, you're a piece of shit!! If anyone really knew you, you would be fucked! NO ONE would like you! No one would love you! So… Tell no one the truth. Pretend that everything is just GREAT!! Hold it IN!"
Ugh. It hurts to hear that voice again.
In hiding my true feelings, I created a solitary confinement of shame.
And in a tragically familiar cycle, my sadness would lead to shame, the shame would become toxic, and then I would inevitably fall into hopelessness and depression. This dark funk could last for weeks or even months, and was disabling at times.
Fortunately, as Dr. Brown teaches, there is an effective cure for shame, but it is not hiding: it is honesty and vulnerability. When I started to honestly share my feelings, fears, and concerns, I found that they shrank and dissipated surprisingly quickly. I began to see that when I am honest and forthcoming, when I make myself vulnerable, people actually come CLOSER rather than shying away. Oftentimes they even thank me.
The voices of shame are like vampires: they are sinister and powerful in the dark, but when exposed to light they burn away. In the process they are often exposed as hilarious and goofy jokers: Jerry Lewis pretending to be Bela Lugosi.
So the next time you hear that hectoring and merciless voice of shame, turn the tables on it: instead of hiding yourself in the dark, open up the shades and let in the sun.
Try sharing your truth with a good friend, with your support circle, or maybe even with your facebook friends.
It gets easier and easier with time and practice, and you will learn along the way that many others feel exactly like you, but were afraid to say so. By exposing your feelings to the sunlight you will allow yourself to be truly seen and appreciated, and you will show others that it is safe and helpful to share and be vulnerable;
You will heal the world even as you heal yourself by sharing this message: sunlight defeats shame.


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March 8, 2012
Rice head football coach David Bailiff will open his sixth year of Spring Football drills on Friday afternoon when the Owls take to the turf at Rice Stadium for the first time. Practices are scheduled to begin each day at approximately 4 p.m. unless otherwise noted in the schedule below.
Friday, March 9
Saturday, March 10 (10 am)
Monday, March 12 (first day in pads) Tuesday, March 13
Thursday, March 15
Friday, March 16 (Scrimmage)
Monday, March 19
Tuesday, March 20
Wednesday, March 21 (Scrimmage)
Monday, March 26
Tuesday, March 27
Thursday, March 29
Friday, March 30 (Spring Game 7 pm)
Monday, April 2
Wednesday, April 4
The Owls hold will three scrimmages during the spring, the final one being the annual Spring Game on Friday, March 30 at 7 p.m.
Bailiff will welcome a total of 44 lettermen to the start of spring drills, including 19 on offense, 25 on defense and one specialist. Officially, the Owls are counting five returning starters on both offense and defense, based upon their status in 2012. Offensive starters back include: OG Drew Carroll, WR Vance McDonald, QB Taylor McHargue, WR Donte Moore and TE Luke Willson. Defensive starters back include: CB Bryce Callahan, SAF Corey Frazier, LB Cameron Nwosu, SAF Paul Porras, and DE Jared Williams. The starter count does not include CB Phillip Gaines, who was injured in the fourth game of 2011 or LB Trey Briggs and DE Corey Bauer, who were fulltime starters in 2010 but missed last season while recovering from surgery.
Chris Thurmond opens the spring as the Owls new Defensive Coordinator and is joined on the defensive side of the ball by Darrell Patterson (Assistant Head Coach/Linebackers) and newcomers Larry Hoefer (safeties) and Michael Slater (defensive line). John Reagan returns for his second season as the Owls Offensive Coordinator and has taken over coaching the Owls running backs this year. He is joined by Larry Edmondson (Passing Game Coordinator/Quarterbacks), Billy Lynch (receivers), Ronnie Vinklarek (offensive line) and David Sloan, who takes over as the tight end coach after serving in a quality control role last season. Lynch has also assumed the role as the Owls Recruiting Coordinator this year.
Rice University is the midst of a year-long Centennial Celebration, commemorating its founding in 1912. The Celebration will culminate with a week of activities leading up the 2012 Homecoming game between Rice and UTSA on October 13. The Owls will open their portion of the Rice Centennial Celebration when they kick off the 2012 season by hosting the UCLA Bruins at Rice Stadium on September 1.
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Daisy is a 13 year old registered appaloosa mare with lots of talent. She can go english or western and excels at both. She has been to local schooling…$3,700
JC registered: Dushe, #0140092, by Regal Intention and out of Thischickcanstep. "Daisy" is a small, lovable OTTB mare that needs a more appropriate sized…$2,000
Ishouldhavebeenacowgirl is an 11 year old Quarter pony, 14.2 and stocky. She is great for trail riding and fun shows. She has experience in cattle cutting…SOLD
Knights Trooper 7yr old Arabian/Quarter horse Trooper would make an excellent endurance mount and dressage prospect. Trails both English and western…SOLD
Oreo is a 12 year old paint mare she has shown and won ribbons. She has perfect ground manners we are selling her because she is now to small for my daughter…SOLD
Ponch is looking for a young rider whose looking for their first horse or an older rider looking to trail ride and/or do small schooling shows. Ponch stands…SOLD
SOLD!! Sound, sweet, perfect 1st pony...walk-trot-canter and X rails. Easy keeper, barefoot all shots and worming done April 1st. All reasonable offers…SOLD
Charlie is a 14 year old Red Dun Quarter Horse gelding, 16hh, easy keeper, no bad habits, good temperament, very nice ground manners, neck reins, up to…SOLD


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5 Popular Flavor Combinations Featuring Honey
Quick! How many ingredients in your kitchen can be used as the star flavor for breakfast, lunch, dinner AND dessert? It's not a trick question … it's honey! Part of what makes honey such a great addition to any pantry is its versatility in both cooking and baking. Sure, honey is delicious all by itself


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The upcoming blockbuster Suicide Squad has dropped the video for the soundtrack cut "Sucker for Pain," featuring a Suicide Squad-like assortment of MCs â Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Ty Dolla $ign and Logic â alongside rockers Imagine Dragons and X Ambassadors. The video sees all six artists involved performing their joint cut on......more
Kanye West debuted his music video for The Life of Pablo track "Famous" Friday night at a watch party at Los Angeles' Forum, where a 7 p.m. and 11 p.m. PST crowd witnessed perhaps the most provocative, controversial video of West's career thus far. The Forum event was live streamed via Tidal,......more
Former Lynyrd Skynyrd drummer Artimus Pyle will co-write and produce a biopic about his life with the Southern rock band. The film, tentatively titled Free Bird, also focuses on one of the music's most tragic moments: The 1977 plane crash that claimed the lives of six people, including his friend and......more
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28 Heritage Ave, Colindale, North London, NW9 | 5 minutes from Colindale Tube Station
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397a High Road, Wembley, HA9 | 3.4 miles from Colindale Tube Station
This all-day dining room and bar, located on the High Road in Wembley is a mix of cocktails, club classics and private party spaces owned by ... More
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Spaniards Road, Hamstead Heath, , NW3 | 3.7 miles from Colindale Tube Station
Ideal for alcoholic refreshment after a weekend tramp on Hampstead Heath, this notorious pub dates back to 1585 and is doused in history. The roguish highwayman ... More
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The new issue of the Swedish Book Review has been posted and there's a lot of interesting work featured, including excerpts by Sigrid Combüchen, Jonas Karlsson, and Hannele Mikaela Taivassalo.
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Latest Review: "La Superba" by Ilja Leonard Pfeijffer - The latest addition to our Reviews section is a piece by Anna Alden on *La Superba* by Ilja Leonard Pfeijffer, published this March by Deep Vellum Publis...
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Destroy All Movies!!! The Complete Guide to Punks on Film
Zack Carlson, Bryan Connolly (eds)
"This book celebrates great accomplishments, terrible insults, and the people responsible for both," writes editor Zach Carlson in his introduction. Destroy All Movies!!! is as frantic and demented as the films it rejoices in. Included is every movie to ever feature a punk rocker, from serious documentaries that treat their subjects with respect, to the delirious exploitation films that portray punks as marauding gangs of videogame obsessed hoodlums. Every time you pick up this book you'll find something new and exciting.
Also included are extensive interviews with the writers, directors, and musicians who made these films happen. This is a must for any film fan with an affinity for the trashy and insane.
Wyclef Jean "Hendrix" (Singles Going Steady) // Music
Peter Bjorn and John "Breakin' Point" (Singles Going Steady) // Music
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Intimacy with the Devil: Horror and 'the static speaks my name'
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The Jewish Book of Whyby Alfred J. Kolatch
View All Available Formats & Editions
- Why do Jews eat gefilte fish?
- Why is a glass broken at the end of a Jewish wedding ceremony?
- Why must the chapter of curses in the Torah be read quickly in a low voice?
- Why are shrimp and lobster not kosher?
- Why do Jews fast on Yom Kippur?
- Why are some Matzot square while others are /li>/li>/li>/li>/li>
- Why do Jews eat gefilte fish?
- Why is a glass broken at the end of a Jewish wedding ceremony?
- Why must the chapter of curses in the Torah be read quickly in a low voice?
- Why are shrimp and lobster not kosher?
- Why do Jews fast on Yom Kippur?
- Why are some Matzot square while others are round?
If you've ever asked or been asked any of these questions, The Jewish Book of Why has all the answers. In this complete, concise, fascinating, and thoroughly informative guide to Jewish life and tradition, Rabbi Alfred J. Kolatch clearly explains both the significance and the origin of nearly every symbol, custom, and practice known to Jewish culture-from Afikomon to Yarmulkes, and from Passover to Purim. Kolatch also dispels many of the prevalent misconceptions and misunderstandings that surround Jewish observance and provides a full and unfettered look at the biblical, historical, and sometimes superstitious reasons and rituals that helped develop Jewish law and custom and make Judaism not just a religion, but a way of life. L'chaim!
Editorial Reviews
Product Details
- 9780142196199
- Publisher:
- Penguin Publishing Group
- Publication date:
- 02/25/2003
- Series:
- Compass Series
- Edition description:
- Revised
- Pages:
- 320
- Sales rank:
- 117,654
- Product dimensions:
- 5.26(w) x 8.01(h) x 0.71(d)
- Age Range:
- 18 Years
Meet the Author
Rabbi Alfred J. Kolatch is a graduate of the Jewish Theological Seminary of America. He is the author of numerous books including The Second Jewish Book of Why, The Jewish Book of Why: The Torah, Handbook for the Jewish Home, The New Name Dictionary, and The Jewish Child's First Book of Why.
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I have a couple of much bigger volumes on Judaism, but this book is great because the book is in Q&A style organized by topic. The answers are not overly lengthy nor cumbersome and are easy to read and understand.
This book is wonderful. It helps you with some questions you may have about customs and traditons about judaism or maybe just about life! The answers are easy to understand, and the questions are some that people may be afraid to ask, thinking people will consider them uneducated. Read this book and youll know many things about Jewish lifestyles and customs.
There's a niche, and it needed filling. Some answers are about tradition, some about ritual, some about dogma. The answers are always brisk and never in doubt. But I'm inclined to ask "Are they so? Are they good? Should we care?" The occasional conflict between one rule and another makes clear why serious scholars of the Talmud become crackerjack lawyers - they spend all their days studying and debating these matters.


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Burmese democracy icon Aung San Suu Kyi is surrounded by party officials as she meets with the media after being re-elected leader of the National League for Democracy during its first ever nationwide congress, in Yangon, Myanmar, yesterday.Mar 11, 2013FULL STORY
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text: Digital Life Some Coffee Shops Crack Down On Free Wi-Fi September 29, 2009 Small independent cafes are trying to stay afloat. Many of them offer free wireless Internet — but they don't want one Web surfer with a small coffee taking up table space all day long. So some are introducing stricter policies to get more turnover. Some Coffee Shops Crack Down On Free Wi-Fi Listen· 2:24 2:24 Download Embed Embed <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/113134753/113316932" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player"> Transcript


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Pour cans of filling in bottom of Dutch oven. Sprinkle cake mix over top of fruit, but DO NOT STIR! Sprinkle with cinnamon and cut pads of butter and let fall on surface. DO NOT STIR.Cover and bake (6-8 coals underneath, 14-16 coals on top) until bubbly and top is lightly browned, about 30-45 min.
Dutch Oven Dump Cobbler
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June 5, 2006
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Must see!!! Excellent condition indoor/outdoor furniture, kitchen and home supplies, books, art, and miscellaneous. Many things have never been used!!More info Email a friend
Kendall-area multi-family yard sale at 11401 SW 144 Ave, on Saturday, Jun 25, from 8am to 2pm (no early-birds, please!) Many items will be for sale, including: men's mountain bike in excellent condition, pine-wood futon sofa in excellent condition, table...More info Email a friend
Moving Sale! Everything Must Go! Come out and see it all. Make reasonable offers on items. We have furniture, a recliner, rustic glass tables (set), tv stand, kitchen racks, frames in all shapes and sizes, wagon, woman and boy's clothes, shoes, toys, and...More info Email a friend
VIEW ITEMS FOR SALE AT TWOLADIES2THERESCUE.COM 8425 SW 148 DR. PALMETTO BAY 33158 FRI.6/24 10-2PM AND SAT.6/25 9-2PM ALL MUST GO. AWESOME HOME FILLED WITH MANY COLLECTIBLES! DON'T MISS OUT ON THIS ONE!!More info Email a friend
Furniture, toys, housewares, kid's/women's/men's clothing, books, art, sunglasses, tools, yard items, decorations, jewelry and miscellaneous items.More info Email a friend
Multi family yard sale ! Portofino Palms in Waterstone II (Waterstone Way and 312th entrance). Clothes, furniture, toys, housewares baby articles and more! Don't miss it !More info Email a friend
Clothes, baby clothes, furniture, home goods , and much more good prices must sellMore info Email a friend
Tools, Fishing poles, Riding lawnmower, Ladders(multi sizes) Red felt professional slate pool table(new6,000.) Vintage coke-a-cola metal ice chest, vintage fishing reels, tools and items, lots of U name it'sMore info Email a friend
Currently community members are working to plant and enhance natural areas near SW 184th and Old Cutler Road. A much hoped vision for the future includes a contiguous corridor that bridges Cutler Bay and Palmetto Bay from Deering Estate South to Biscayne...More info Email a friend
Priced to SellFurniture, Wall Art, Electronics, Books, Movies, Clothes, Vintage Cameras and much, much more.More info Email a friend
HUGE MOVING SALE: Lots of Antique furniture and collectibles, oak dining table, cribs, home goods, clothes, years of collecting! Something for everyone! Everything must go!!More info Email a friend
Saturday June 25: Kitchen, tools, art, girls clothing, womens clothing, books, large dog bed, easy bake oven, home decor and moreMore info Email a friend
Patio furniture, toys, books, designer purses, toys, cloth, shoes and much more. No early bird.More info Email a friend
IMMACULATE HOMESTEAD MOVING SALE by ESTATE SALES by MATTY featuring beautiful furniture such as a Natuzzi sectional sofa, coffee table, Carl's dining room table and chairs, sofa, side tables, lamps, floor lamp, antique furniture pieces, kitchen, framed ...More info Email a friend
HUGE YARD SALE THIS SATURDAY!!!!!!!6305 SW 89 COURT, MIAMI, FLORIDA 33173 DOORS OPEN AT 8 AMTWO HOMES SIDE BY SIDE HAVE GATHERED 6 FAMILIES TO HOST ENORMOUS YARD SALE. NAME BRAND CLOTHING OF ALL AGES, SHOES, PURSES, MATERNITY CLOTH, SCHOOL UNIFORMS, FASHION...More info Email a friend
Designer men's clothing. 1,000's of pieces, Suits, Dress shits, Polo and round neck shirts. Mostly small and medium, 200 pairs shoes, Ferragamo, Cole Hann, others. Not your fathers throwaways Many brand new. If you can buy it in Dadeland you can buy it...More info Email a friend
Moving Sale. Everything must go.More info Email a friend
Miscellaneous home furnishings- pillows, China, dinnerware, gardening supplies, vases, etc.More info Email a friend
Everything Must Go Furn, electronics, womens accessory, collectables, home decor. & more. 12540 SW 112 ave 8a-2p no earlier. Sat only!More info Email a friend
Brickell Area Moving Sale 1877 South Miami Ave 33129 Sat 9-4 Sun 10-3 Oils, Etchings, Acrylics, pottery. Oriental Rugs, Patio Furniture, Garden Statuary, Kitchen Items, Trundle Bed and So Much More Photos : MYESTATEOFAFFAIRS.COM 305.904.7704More info Email a friend
ESTATE / YARD SALE Miami Shores SAT 6/25 9 a.m - 1 p.m 10555 N.E 2nd Ct, Furniture /antiques, and much more!More info Email a friend
Sponsored by Friends to Family. SAT 6/25 9am - 3pm 10500 NW 7th Ave 33150 Furniture, men and women's clothing, kitchen appliances, Kitchen ware, books & moreMore info Email a friend
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