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Rhodes Food GroupRhodes Food Group is a fast growing, internationally recognised food production and processing company that has been providing local and international markets with fresh quality products and premium brands at competitive pricing for over a century now.
Our absolute dedication to providing world-class quality and service has seen the Group grow rapidly from its humble beginnings into the vibrant and diversified food business it is today. The focus on 'soil to shelf' quality control has earned the loyalty of both consumers and retailers both in South Africa and abroad.
Providing Premium Food ProductsBased in the Franschhoek Valley of South Africa, Rhodes Food Group runs several highly successful agricultural concerns and processing operations around the country. This focus on controlling quality levels from 'soil to shelf' has encouraged the growth of both divisions in the company: Rhodes Food which manufactures, markets and sells canned fruit and canned vegetables as well as their by-products such as jam and puree and the Fresh Foods division which includes ready meals, pasta, pies and a range of dairy products.
Leading the Way with Quality Food Brands
Find out more about Rhodes Food Group: Our history, our vision for the company and our role in transforming South African business. Feel free to contact us with any queries you may have and we will gladly assist you.


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The Old Homestead
John McDonald lived in the Pittsburgh area during the Revolutionary era.
Updated: July 2005
JOHN McDONALDJohn McDonald lived near Pittsburgh during the Revolutionary war.Married a
woman named Johannah. (1)Children: (2)Thomas.Rachel – "oldest daugher." Married Andrew Nye.Ann. Married a man named Wallace.Hannah. Married a man named Custard.Several John McDonalds appear in the Pittsburgh
area during the Revolutionary era. The most prominent was a successful businessman who conducted a ferry and general store
in Belmont. (3) John McDonalds appear in tax and census records in Robinson Township, Nottingham Township, Strabane Township,
Chartiers, Smith Township and Peters Township between 1781 and 1792. Because of changing township names and boundaries, the
same person can appear under several jurisdictions over time. (4)Our John lived in Peters Township on a track of land
called "Donaldson," which he acquired May 23, 1787, through a patent under the hand of Benjamin Franklin, who was serving
as president of the Supreme Executive Council of Pennsylvania at the time. According to a later Allegheny County deed, "Donaldson"
was on the waters of Peters Creek and the patent was to "John McDaniel," who willed the land to his son, Thomas. (5) Tax
records show John listing in Peters Township in 1781, 1783, and 1784. In 1781, he is listed as owning 100 acres, two horses,
two cows and a sheep. In 1783, he owned 150 acres, three horses and three cows. (6) One document that appears to relate
to our John – since it's signed by more than one John McDonald – is a petition signed by settlers in the
Pittsburgh area complaining about their military leadership. During the spring of 1781, controversy erupted in the settlements
around Pittsburgh concerning the military situation. John appears among the signers of a petition to the Pennsylvania executive
council complaining about "the uncommon Stretches of power uniformly pursued and now adopted, by Colonel Brodhead Commanding
in this Department." The petition asks that Col. Daniel Brodhead and his quartermaster be replaced, citing rights violations,
corruption by the quartermaster and neglect of the area's defenses. The petition sprang from a dispute between Brodhead
and a large number of his officers, led by Col. John Gibson. Brodhead ordered Gibson arrested on Aug. 30. On Sept. 17, Gen.
George Washington ordered Brodhead to resign and placed Gibson in command of Fort Pitt until Brodhead's replacement
could arrive. (7)John died before Dec. 3, 1792, when his will was received at the Allegheny County Courthouse. Johannah
probably died after that since she was named in the will. (8)The will also lists some of John's possessions at the
time of his death. His livestock consisted of one black cow, one red heifer, two small calves, one small brown cow, one small
heifer, one black horse, one small colt, five head of sheep and two swine. His other possessions were rather humble, including
his harvested grain, several pots, a Dutch oven, a saddle, a glass bottle, three tubs, six cups, four knives and five forks,
among other small items.(1) The first name of John's wife and his children's names are recorded in Allegheny
County, Pa., Will Book 1, page 63, No. 25. (2) John's will. The daughters' married surnames are listed. Rachel's
listed as "Rachel Noy." The case for identifying Andrew's wife with Rachel McDonald is relatively good. Aside from Andrew
Nye, no name with any similarity to Noy or Noie appears in records from the area around Pittsburgh at that time. In fact,
Noi would be a very good English transliteration of the way the name Neu (Nye) sounds when spoken in German and it appears
in at least three other records that refer to Andrew. Add the similarity of the name "Katrina Noie" – which also appears
in the will – to that of the deceased Catrina and Andrew's known daughter Catherine and the case looks more solid.
The will also mentions Rachel's status as the "oldest daughter." (3) Previous researchers have sometimes confused the
two. For example, "A Goodly Heritage, Earliest Wills on an American Frontier," by Ellas Chalfont, pages 30-31, start with
our John's will but follows with information about the John who lived in Belmont. The small fort known as "McDonald's
Station," mentioned in "The Frontier Forts of Western Pennsylvania," by George D. Albert, page 433, is almost certainly to
be linked with the Belmont John. (4) "Washington County, Pennsylvania, Tax Lists for 1781, 1782, 1784 1793 and Census for
1790," compiled by Raymond M. Bell and Katherine K. Zinsser, which is available at the library of the Daughters of the American
Revolution library in Washington, D.C. (5) Allegheny County Deed Book 10, page 332, which records the sale of part of the
land by Thomas and his wife, Susana. A plat map provided by another researcher states that the "Donaldson" tract belonging
to "John McDaniel," covered 224 acres and was based on a warrant dated June 23, 1785. (6) ) "Washington County, Pennsylvania,
Tax Lists," pages 275, 79 and 198. (7) The petition is recorded in "Frontier Retreat on the Upper Ohio, 1779-1781," by Louise
Phelps Kellogg, pages 363-370. The general outline of the dispute and its impact comes from "The Indian Wars of Pennsylvania,"
pages 860-861, and "Fort McIntosh: Its Times and Men," by Daniel Agnew, page 25. This book was written in 1893. (8) "Will
Abstracts of Allegheny County, Pennsylvania, Will Books I Through V," compiled by Helen L. Harriss and Elizabeth J. Wall,
page 4, gives the date as Dec. 13 but the official date on the will itself says Dec. 3.
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"[A] captivating raconteur of all the greatest hits of behavioral, evolutionary and neuropsychology, [and] provider of wonderful cocktail party material . . . Fascinating."—Los Angeles Times Book Review
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"The theme of Michael Shermer's new book is a graceful paradox. Decades of study of behavioral psychology, neuroscience and genetics, layered over more than a century of evolutionary studies, proves that we're not completely rational in making economic choices. But an understanding of our fascinating limitations, which Shermer provides, makes us freer than we were before we knew of them . . . The author, an adjunct economics professor at Claremont Graduate University, compares the argument for top-down, centrally planned economics to the argument for intelligent design. Devotees of the latter often argue that 'evolution' could not have designed something so complicated as the human eye, just as proponents of top-down economics argue, that, say, New York City needs the government to create jobs for the poor by doing things like build sports stadiums because the market won't do it on its own. Shermer easily demolishes another myth about both evolution and economics that both depend exclusively on cutthroat, bloody-handed 'survival of the fittest' competition to weed out the weakest creatures and companies . . . The most compelling chapters of Shermer's book take us on an intimate tour of the best of the last half-century's work in behavioral economics and neuroscience . . . Shermer notes that we must consciously choose freedom—all more important since the temptation, in light of the weird decisions we sometimes make in the marketplace, is to surrender to someone who must know better."—Nicole Gelinas, The New York Post
"The Mind of the Market: How Biology and Psychology Shape Our Economic Lives is a really fun book! Interestingly . . . It is no surprise that Shermer is a popular author; his style is engaging, and he brings up fascinating topics and different ways of looking at phenomena. Shermer is able to take nearly any topic and turn it on its head, making the reader look at anything from a new perspective—and this book is no exception. The Mind of the Market is an entertaining, thought-provoking, well-written book similar to the popular Freakonomics. This is a great read for anyone interested in science, psychology, economics, history, anthropology, and the integrated crossovers among any of these topics."—Sacramento Book Review
"The nexus between economies and psychology has occupied scholars in the last several years. Field and laboratory experiments have tried to tease out and test the economist's assumptions of rationality, utility (or profit) maximization, and financial decision-making rules, and to formulate perhaps improved public policies in light of these research findings in what is known as 'behavioral economies.' Some attention has now turned to the intersections of economies and the neurosciences, with the use of brain scans to reveal underlying tendencies and patterns in human nature. Into the middle of these theoretical and empirical frays jumps Shermer (Scientific American columnist; adjunct economics professor, Claremont Graduate Univ.) delivering a well-written, highly entertaining summary of the issues and applications in the evolution of what makes people tick and markets function. Intelligent lay readers will be led from apes to pandas to primitive tribes and modern states, from Charles Darwin and Adam Smith to free will and free markets. Replete with thought-provoking examples and solid references, the book will start as many debates as it will end, but that is a reasonable goal and accomplishments of a journalist and self-proclaimed skeptic. Summing up: Recommended. General readers; all levels of undergraduate and graduate students; faculty and professionals."—A. R. Sanderson, University of Chicago, Choice
"The Mind of the Market is a consistently stimulating inquiry into the (formerly) dismal science."—Ted Mumford, The Globe and Mail
"I'm about to review a book on economics for you . . . no, no, stop, don't turn the page! It's a readable, entertaining book—about lots of things you don't associate with 'economics.' Like Freakonomics, you'll find no graphs or calculus here, just a wee bit of jargon, and you'll get to read about sex and chimps, the brain wave for shopping, why biology makes us kind and dozens of other unusual topics you never studied in Econ 101."—Richard Parker, The Globe Mail (Toronto)
"[The Mind of the Market] provides a thorough account of what's going on in a branch of psychology dedicated to understanding the natural origins of economic decisions."—Science News
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"Thoughtful and complete . . . You're certain to learn something new when you read it."—WestWord
"Charles Darwin and Adam Smith may seem like strange bedfellows, but bestselling author Michael Shermer finds the fathers of evolutionary theory and capitalism to be a perfect match . . . Drawing from research, and injecting his own wit, Shermer explains why people make bad decisions about money, why wealth can't buy you happiness, and why we love cooperating."—Meredith Knight, Psychology Today
"Extremely interesting… Shermer is a fantastic presenter."—Steven D. Levitt, The New York Times Freakonomics Blog
"Written with his customary verve and flair, The Mind of the Market is Michael Shermer at his best. Roving over the entire sweep of history, and drawing on the best of modern science, Shermer attempts a grand synthesis of research from psychology and the neurosciences to demonstrate that markets are moral and that free trade meshes well with human nature. Shermer entertains as well as informs, and in the process he deepens the argument for economic, political and social freedom."—Dinesh D'Souza, author of What's So Great About America
"Economists who understand Charles Darwin are almost as rare as biologists who understand Adam Smith. Yet the two were essentially saying the same thing—that order emerges unordained from competition and innovation. Michael Shermer brilliantly brings the two insights together to explain how the human mind creates the human market."—Matt Ridley, author of The Origins of Virtue
"Economics is not just about money. It is also about human nature, justice, trust, and happiness. Michael Shermer brilliantly shows that the real experts of Homo economicus are often found in psychology, biology, even primatology."—Frans de Waal, author of Our Inner Ape
"Shermer applies his knowledge of evolutionary science to the volatile topic of modern economics. The founder and editor of Skeptic magazine does a bang-up job knitting together the complexities of science and the frail psychology of human beings to explain the unpredictable postmodern world of trade and finance. Pledging that economics is for everyone, the author offers a forbidding, textbook definition of evolutionary economics, then adds, 'this is a swanky way of saying that the economy is a very complex system that changed and adapted to circumstances as it evolved out of a much simpler system.' Exploring the transition from a hunter-gatherer economy to one based on consumer trade, Shermer argues that the world economy not only has a mind of its own but is also constantly shifting due to the influence of the consumers, traders and organizations that participate in it. Far from being needlessly complicated, the book tackles a host of psychological, scientific and ethical quandaries with clear-eyed panache, making its case with evidence not just from usual suspects like Adam Smith and Ayn Rand but also from the evolutionary science of Steven Jay Gould and the Western films of John Ford. Like any good teacher, Shermer grounds his lessons in real-world examples, some drawn from his personal experience as a marathon bicycle racer, some from the global marketplace and others lifted from scientific studies far outside the public domain . . . Shermer's argument that 'we must study the laws of human behavior in economics as the physicist, chemist, or biologist studies the laws of nature' is persuasive. An informative, inventive, broad-spectrum analysis of what makes modern man tick, starting with his wallet."—Kirkus Reviews
"The 'Ripley's Believe It or Not' of behavioral economics, or why people act the way they do in a capitalistic marketplace . . . Shermer applies his wide-ranging knowledge of science and its rigorous investigatory discipline to uncover the answers and make connections between trade and emotion—in essence, popularizing neuron-economics."—Booklist
"Shermer, columnist for Scientific American and publisher of Skeptic magazine, provides an in-depth examination of evolutionary economics. Using fascinating examples—from monkeys that balk at unfair distribution of rewards after completing a task to humans who feel cheated when offered $10 of free money if a partner is given $90—Shermer explores the evolutionary roots of our sense of fairness and justice, and shows how this rationale extends to the market. Drawing upon his expertise as a scientist and the works of noted economists, Shermer argues convincingly that human beings are not exclusively self-centered, the market itself is moral, and modern economies are founded on our virtuous nature. He explores how we mind our money, the value of virtue, why money can't buy happiness and whether we are really free to make choices . . . This book offers much insight into human behavior and rationales regarding money and fairness and will be of interest to serious readers of science or business."—Publishers Weekly
Michael Shermer is the author of The Believing Brain, Why People Believe Weird Things, The Science of Good and Evil, The Mind Of The Market, Why Darwin Matters, Science Friction, How We Believe and other books on the evolution of human beliefs and behavior. He is the founding publisher of Skeptic magazine, the editor of Skeptic.com, a monthly columnist for Scientific American, and an adjunct professor at Claremont Graduate University. He lives in Southern California.


text:
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Ismael is the Spanish version of Ishmael who, in the Bible, was the first son of Abraham. Interestingly enough, this version is far more popular than the version with a "h" and continues to remain a fashionable choice for parents.
Syllables: 2
Famous Namesakes:
Artist Ismael Nery, Baseball player Ismael Valdez, Songwriter Ismael Serrano
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Engineering in an International Society B
In this module, you will study at a university in a European, American or Southern Hemisphere country with the goal of understanding the challenges involved in working in a foreign culture. You will observe the transnational issues facing engineers in all countries. This experience will help you gain the confidence to function in a professional manner wherever you choose to work, even when you are faced with conflicting and diverse sources of information.
Co-requisite module: Erasmus or other study abroad placement
Please note that all modules are subject to change, please get in touch if you have any questions about this module.


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Candy Crush Saga Help
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With this application in your Windows Phone, you will be able to solve all your levels in the game Candy Crush. With Candy Crush Saga help, we give you video to help you finishing the game ! Don't hesitate to download it !


text:
Thanksgiving Appetizers: Why Sam Sifton Thinks You Don't Need Them
In the hours before Thanksgiving, most cooks are so focused on getting the meal on the table that appetizers are the last things on their minds. And that's just fine, says Sam Sifton. Appetizers don't belong at Thanksgiving.
Quite simply, Sifton believes appetizers take up valuable stomach space that should be reserved for the main meal. He has a couple exceptions to his no-appetizers-at-Thanksgiving rule — oysters or any special pre-meal family traditions, such as his own father's bisque — but for him, the best appetizer on the big day is simply the scent of roasting turkey.
This rule is just fine with me, as I hate sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner stuffed with cheese and charcuterie, and skipping hors d'oeuvres means I can spend more time in the kitchen prepping the real meal.
• Read more: A Few Thanksgiving Questions for Sam Sifton at Dinner A Love Story
What do you think? Are appetizers a part of your holiday tradition or are you just as happy without them?
Related: Not Your Mother's Cheese Ball: 5 Fresh Recipes for Autumn Entertaining
(Image: Faith Durand)
27 Comments
I have to say, I love to have appetizers for Thanksgiving day. We serve them a few hours before dinner so there is still room for all the turkey and trimmings. They are mostly made ahead or contributed by our guests and we serve them buffet style away from the kitchen work area. It frees me up to cook, and is an easy way to keeps everyone from being too hungry when we serve dinner at around 4:00 pm.
Plus, almost all of the dinner food traditions come from my husband's family, so this has given me a chance to have my own traditions.
We always do appetizers - the family comes over for a light lunch around noon and then its time for drinks and then appetizers come out around 3 and then dinner isn't until 6.
Bloody Marys are a tradition with us because we usually eat in the early afternoon and start the Bloodys at 11am. You need something available because there's always some waiting around so we go for a light crudite/antipasta platter. Stuff to crunch on and a few savory bites. No heavy cheese!
I think it depends on what time of day you're going to be eating. I'm in England so no thanksgiving but for Christmas some years we don't eat 'til like 4 and then if you've had breakfast at 8 or 9 then that's quite a long wait for the main event. If you have the meal at 12 then I agree definitely don't do appetizers- you need that stomach space!
We get together around two and do appetizers, drinks, and football and eat around six. Although most of the women will have a few bites and sip their wine, I can't see the men going four hours without eating something. I read his interview earlier this week and although his many 'should nots' and 'no place fors' may work well for his family, I thought it was pretty presumtuous to make sweeping generalizations about Thanksgiving eating habits.
We eat our big meal at around 2 or 3 so we skip on the appatizers. I will usually make a big and exciting breakfast though.
I'm greedy, and, for me, ANY celebratory meal is better with appetizers (olives, nuts, charcuterie, and other tasty little nibbles), entrée (oysters are great this time of year), cheese AND dessert in addition to the main course! Oh, and I always have room for something stick-to-your-teeth sweet with my coffee, too. In my book, overindulgence is a good thing.
Thanksgiving needs tons of appetizers. Its not like anybody actually eats breakfast or lunch on that day so you need something to tide you over.
I completely agree with him but would if we are hosting (which we aren't doing this year), I wouldn't think of having something for my guests to nibble on. It doesn't have to be elaborate-nuts, breadsticks, olives immediately come to mind-but it should be something. I prefer to not serve cheese only because I dont want to fill up on cheese and rather save tummy room for the main event. I'm totally on the same page as him.
This year my family is dividing the tasks by smaller families: My parents are in charge of turkey & fixin's, my boyfriend and I the apps, my sister and brother-in-law get the veggies, and my youngest sister is on desserts (though at this point she hasn't replied to emails...uh-oh!).
In years past, our apps have always been too heavy! I'm aiming for lots of raw or blanched veg with assorted dips, a very small cheese platter, pickled herring and other wee nibbles. Nothing too heavy allowed!
We all spend our time in the Kitchen preparing for Dinner. We make and serve apps all day leading up to dinner. We typically skip lunch.
We have thanksgiving at 2 and some of my family brings appetizers to eat around 11am. But there's 40+ of us. So everyone gets a bite
It depends on how you define "appetizers." As a course right before the main meal, I agree that's the last thing anyone needs on Thanksgiving. But as a light lunch a few hours before the big meal? Excellent. My dad's family always made mufelatas for lunch--but their own super simple version. A quickie sandwich that my grandmother would grab to keep her going became what we eat 3-4 hours before the feast. On my mom's side, there was always endless trays of raw veggies ("the relish tray"), olives, and maybe a couple of light dips.
I like a relish tray for early in the day and then we do soup in little mugs as the turkey is coming out of the oven. It gets everyone out of the kitchen (aka out of the cook's way). If you are going to be serving drinks (which of course we are) then you should have something to nibble on.
My own family never did appetizers but my in-laws love them--they have oysters, shrimp cocktail, cheeses, the whole 9 yars. I think it has something to do with the fact that my parents don't drink and my in-laws love nothing better than having a cocktail before dinner.
The original interview is rather prescriptive, but then again, Sifton is describing HIS idea of the perfect Thanksgiving. For him that happens to be a table laden with a bounty of traditional dishes. Whilst I am partial to turkey and all the trimmings at Xmas, I love 'non-traditional' traditions too - whatever makes you feel thankful to be gathered around the table. I like to feast on several well-executed courses, and I am quite happy with one fabulously exquisite dessert, I don't need a table heaving with countless pies. To each his own!
Personally, my favorite Thanksgiving appetizer is the turkey skin I sneak off the fried turkey before the meal starts.
Appetizers are the best thing about Thanksgiving. I don't like turkey and all the hot and mushy side dishes gross me out. So I fill up on the veggie tray, olives, spinach dip, lefse (we are Norwegian), grandma's cranberry sauce, and LOTS of wine.
I am from New Zealand and like coconutandberries (earlier poster) we don't do Thanks Giving but Christmas is our big pig out day.
It is in the middle of summer and generally very hot.
Up until very recently the xmas meal was a hot one; Roast Lamb, Roast veggies (kumara, Potato, Pumpkin, Onions, Carrots) Boiled new potatoes with butter and mint sauce, minted peas, boiled carrots, Salads (lettuce, coleslaw) Cold ham, Roast chicken with bread, sage and onion stuffing, and generally Crayfish (if you were lucky) Then came the full round of deserts; Hot christmas pudding, Pavlova, fresh fruit salads, ice cream, custard...
You get the drift, a food , marathon BUT everyone who came bought a loaded nibble platter, cold meats, dried fruits, cheeses,chips & dips, mussels... you name it.
The nibble platters went out as soon as you arrived and we grazed, the kids ran around after opening the prezzies, the guys drank beer and the women wine or pimms or the imfamous Blackberry nip.
The nibble platters stayed available ALL DAY. We generally ate at about 2pm, arrival was expected by 10am but without the nibble platters the alcohol consumption would be killer.
We always do champagne and smoked salmon appetizers. This year (we did TG dinner on Sunday) we added olives (a guest brought them) and spicy pecans. Everyone seemed happy with it and still ate lots of food. Just because he doesn't do appetizers dosen't mean the rest of us can't do them. I am tired of being preached to about what I should and should not serve, eat or cook.
I love appetizers and am happy to see them, even before a big meal, but my (Canadian) family typically sits down to big meals like Thanksgiving or Christmas at 6:30 or 7:00pm, and the pre-dinner wine drinking and talking phase usually begins somewhere between 3 and 4. Some veggies and a dip like hummous, a small cheese plate and (potentially, depending on who's hosting) one hot nibble can provide some balance without spoiling the meal.
Our family does lunch at Thanksgiving, so there's no point in appetizers. I can see why you might want to if you did dinner, and people were hanging out around the house beforehand all afternoon. I guess it depends on whether you're family is a hang-out-all-day type or the shows-up-for-food type.
ANY kind of party, celebration needs appetizers... appetizers is socializing!
It's the crème de la crème of conversation, relaxing time... grabbing food with your fingers,
sitting at a confortable couch... :)
At table, the thing can be more formal... with forks, spoons, knifes, plates and traditions. :)
We don't have Thanksgiving here in Brazil... but in Christmas, my family lunch at noon, start the celebrations at 5, 6 PM and have the dinner around 9, 10 PM.
Between 5 to 8 PM, we like to nibble olives (normal and stuffed), nuts (especially roasted peanuts and cashew nut), little squares of cheese (mozzarella, provolone, blue cheese) and other types of appetizers. :)
We also tend to sit down to eat later, not before 8.30 or 9. We've spent quite a few New Years in Spain, and people are still at the table at midnight to see in the new year with grapes and champagne. Then the party starts.
Neither of us have any say in Thanksgiving, but my sister-in-law started pushing appetizers on Christmas Day. Yes, it takes up stomach space, but the upside is that we found the kids were much more likely to mingle with adults when we had munchies in one location.
Brit here, so no Thanksgiving here, but I do agree (with my frame of reference being Christmas Day). It's tradition in our house to have smoked salmon and pumpernickel when opening sandwiches after church (about midday) and then we sit down for dinner at about 4pm. Then it's... turkey, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast onions, stuffing, pigs in blankets (I don't know if you have them in the US - sausage wrapped in bacon), pumpkin puree, brussel sprouts and chestnuts, and red cabbage!
Then Christmas pudding and custard and mincemeat tart, and stilton and crackers for those that don't like pud.
My in-laws serve soup and bread before dinner and I just don't understand - such a space-waster!! Much as I like prawn cocktail and myriad other appetizers, the meal itself is SO large I just don't want to use the room.
Eh, I think this is plain wrong. If people are hanging around for hours why would you not provide some snacks? Maybe you don't needs lots of appetizers or heavy or complicated items, but you've gotta have something to nosh on while cooking, watching football, playing Mario Kart...
And yeah, the holiday is about the big meal, but a meal and a feeding frenzy are not the same thing.


text:
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Dear Sugar
The first letter was from a man who felt terrible because he had a crush on a woman who wasn't his wife.
The second letter was from a girl whose baby died when she was six and a half months pregnant.
I am typing the whole damn thing here, and excerpts from Sugar's reply, and I hope you'll take the time to read it because these words are just it. Exactly it.
+ + +
Dear Sugar,
About eighteen months ago, I got pregnant. In a move that surprised both my boyfriend and me, we decided we wanted to keep the baby. Though the pregnancy was unplanned, we were excited to become parents. The child was very much loved and wanted. When I was six and a half months pregnant, I miscarried. Since then, I've struggled to get out of bed.
Not a day has gone by when I haven't though about who that child would have been. It was a girl. She had a name. Every day I wake up and think, "My daughter would be six months old," or "My daughter would maybe have started crawling today." Sometimes, all I can think is the word "daughter" over and over and over.
of course, it seems that everyone around me is having a baby and everywhere I go all I see are babies, so I have to force myself to be happy for them and swallow how empty I feel. The truth is, I don't feel much of anything anymore and yet everything hurts. Most of the people in my life expect me to be over my sorrow by now. As one person pointed out, "It was only a miscarriage." So I also feel guilty about being so stuck, grieving for a child that never was when I should just walk it off or something.
I don't talk about it very much. I pretend it never happened. I go to work and hang out and smile and act like everything is fine. My boyfriend has been fantastic and supportive, though I don't think he understands how badly I'm doing. He wants us to get married and try for another child. He thinks this should cheer me up. It doesn't. It makes me want to punch him in the head for not feeling the way I do.
Then there is the reason I lost the baby. In the hospital, my doctor said he wasn't surprised I lost the baby because my pregnancy was high risk because I was overweight. It was not an easy thing to hear that the miscarriage was my fault. Part of me thinks the doctor was a real asshole, but another part of me thinks, "Maybe he was right." It kills me to think that this was my fault, that I brought the miscarriage on myself. I can't even breathe sometimes, I feel so guilty. When I got out of the hospital, I got a personal trainer and went on a diet and started losing weight but I'm totally out of control now. Sometimes I don't eat for days, and then sometimes I eat everything in sight and throw it all up. I spend hours at the gym, walking on the treadmill until I can't life my legs.
My friends and family think I'm doing just fine, Sugar, but nothing could be further from the truth. All I can think about is how I fucked up. Everything feels like it is more than I can handle. The rational part of me understands that if I don't pull myself out of this, I'll do serious damage to myself. I know this, and yet I just don't care.
I want to know how to care again. I want to know how to not feel so guilty, how to not feel like I killed my baby.
My daughter, she had a name. She was loved. I feel like the only one who cares. Then I feel like shit for mourning "just a miscarriage" after nearly a year. I'm stuck.
Dear Stuck,
I'm so sorry that your baby girl died. So terribly sorry. I can feel your suffering vibrating right through my computer screen. This is to be expected. It is as it should be. Though we live in a time and place and culture that tries to tell us otherwise, suffering is what happens when truly horrible things happen to us.
Don't listen to those people who suggest you should be "over" your daughter's death by now. The people who squawk the loudest about such things have almost never had to get over anything. Or at least not anything that was genuinely mind-fuckingly, soul-crushingly life altering. Some of those people believe they are being helpful by minimizing your pain. Others are scared of the intensity of your loss and so they use their words to push your grief away. Many of those people love you and are worthy of your love, but they are not the people who will be helpful to you when it comes to healing the pain of your daughter's death.
They live on Planet Earth. You live on Planet My Baby Died.
It seems to me that you feel like you're all alone there. You aren't. There are women reading this right now who have tears in their eyes. There are women who have spent their days chanting daughter, daughter or son, son silently to themselves. Women who have been privately tormented about the things they did or didn't do that they fear caused the death of their babies. You need to find those women. They're your tribe.
I know because I've lived on a few planets that aren't Planet Earth myself.
The healing power of even the most microscopic exchange with someone who knows in a flash precisely what you're talking about because she experienced the same thing too cannot be overestimated. Call your local hospitals and birth centers and inquire about support groups for people who've lost babies at or before or shortly after birth. Read Elizabeth McCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination. Find online communities where you can have conversations with people during which you don't have to pretend a thing.
And stop pretending with your sweet boyfriend too. Tell him you'd like to punch him in the head and explain exactly why. Ask him what he has to say about the death of your daughter and do your very best to listen to his experience without comparing it to your own. I think you should see a therapist--both alone and with your boyfriend--and I strongly encourage you to call and make an appointment today. A therapist will help you air and examine the complex grief you're holding so tightly inside of you, and he or she will also help you manage your (probably situational) depression.
This is how you get unstuck, Stuck. You reach. Not so you can walk away from the daughter you loved, but so you can live the life that is yours--the one that includes the sad loss of your daughter, but is not arrested by it. The one that eventually leads you to a place in which you not only grieve her, but also feel lucky to have had the privilege of loving her. That place of true healing is a fierce place. It's a giant place. It's a place of monstrous beauty and endless dark and glimmering light. And you have to work really, really, really hard to get there, but you can do it. You're a woman who can travel that far. I know it. Your ability to get there is evident to me in every word of your bright shining grief star of a letter.
You will never stop loving your daughter. You will never forget her. You will always know her name. But she will always be dead. Nobody can intervene and make that right and nobody will. Nobody can take it back with silence or push it away with words. Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on Planet My Baby Died can help you along the way, but the healing--the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud-change--is entirely and absolutely up to you.
+ + +
I've lived on Planet My Baby Died for 23 months today. The only reason I've survived is because I found my tribe right here. If you also live on Planet My Baby Died, I am so sorry you are here and so glad you've found some of the rest of us.
29 comments:
- Molly said...
Love this. And live my tribe. But damn I hate that we all live on planet my baby died.
- November 6, 2012 at 12:16 PM
- B. Wilson said...
You need to find those women. They're your tribe.
I sort of think I want to be best friends with Sugar. He/She must have a dead baby, because, how could they be so wise?
23 months is shit. As a member of the tribe, I understand and love you guys and your sweet baby, Eliza.
- November 6, 2012 at 12:23 PM
- Amy L. said...
Wow. Just wow. Fifteen months yesterday for me, and without my tribe and the ability to reach out - and knowledge that I had to - I don't think I would have lived.
- November 6, 2012 at 12:24 PM
- Mama Bear said...
I'm so sorry you are here too. But thank you for being wonderful.
- November 6, 2012 at 12:50 PM
- Veronica said...
Wow, this was great to read.
A lot hit me... But I'm left with this, maybe because it wraps it all up so well...
"You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and *run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.*"
It's that last sentiment that makes me feel like its finally time to do something other than nothing from now on. Figure out what.ever.the.fuck I want/wanted to be doing with my life, and take my dead baby with me. And not just because there might be a living child in my future...not just because I feel like I'm letting it all be worse than it has to be....but because it's about freakin time.
I know my timeline is very different from so many I've connected with, but I'm So glad to have foud you all anyway.
Thanks for sharing this Brooke. Sugar was able to put into words things that i usually can't.
- November 6, 2012 at 1:15 PM
- Monique said...
I absolutely love this (and Sugar).I want to send this to everyone I know, but won't.
- November 6, 2012 at 1:40 PM
- Hope's Mama said...
Wow, well isn't this just incredible. Thanks so much for sharing, tribe sister.
- November 6, 2012 at 2:12 PM
- Angela said...
Thank you for sharing this. It's beautiful. I love this tribe, but I too wish we didn't belong.
- November 6, 2012 at 3:04 PM
- My New Normal said...
Thanks so much for sharing. As a fellow member of this tribe I appreciate the reminder that just because time goes on, it doesn't mean we still don't need the support of each other.
- November 6, 2012 at 3:20 PM
- Renel said...
Wow. Tears in my eyes. How does sugar know? The healing, actual healing down on your knees in the mud change is entirely and absolutely up to you.
Wow. Because no matter the tribe or village, we are alone in our grief. Parallel grief but still solitary along side amazing women who live on planet my baby died. Ugh.
- November 6, 2012 at 3:23 PM
- Ebe said...
Thanks for posting this, Brooke. Wow.
The first time I met my first fellow tribe member face to face... well, that meeting changed my life. She looked just like me- her smile was also sad, her eyes had circles under them, her forehead was lined with grief. It felt amazing to sit with someone who just understood what it was like to choose to get up in the morning even though their baby had died.
I'm so glad you have your tribe. It is an amazing and terrible thing.
love and hugs,
p.s. I think I've posted this before, or maybe just thought it, but I live in West County, and would love to meet up if you ever wanted to hang out with a fellow bereaved mom- albeit a stranger. :)
- November 6, 2012 at 3:39 PM
- Becky said...
Thank you so much for sharing this. I truly don't know what I would have done without any of you this past almost 2 years. I don't know where I'd I even be today without the continued support.
- November 6, 2012 at 4:24 PM
- Angie said...
Thanks for sharing this. I am going to share this post with the FB Heartprints group. It is so true. xoxo
- November 6, 2012 at 5:22 PM
- RyAnne said...
This was so honest and true to how things run on Planet Your Baby Died. Wish everyone could be as understanding as Sugar. Thanks for posting this.
- November 6, 2012 at 8:10 PM
- Julie said...
1) Cheryl Strayed is one of my personal heroes. Her book "Wild" is also fantabulous.
2) Ohhh, but I want to lift off this Planet. It still hurts here - so, so much. And then again...I don't. Because I met you all here. And as some of you have said in one way or another, I don't know that I'd have blended with Planet Earth people again without all of you on Planet MBD. And, this is where my baby girl lives, more than she lives anywhere else besides my own heart and soul. I think all our children live here, in a way - and I like that I can come visit them every time I commune with you on your blogs and in your comments.
- November 6, 2012 at 8:26 PM
- Caroline said...
Oh how I love my tribe. Life savers.
My sister had shared this with me a little bit ago and I just loved it.
- November 6, 2012 at 9:48 PM
- sarah said...
"You need to find those women. They are your tribe."
Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks for being part of my lifeline, part of my tribe. And thanks for sharing this.
Love to all of us. xo
- November 6, 2012 at 10:52 PM
- Addi's mom said...
Thanks for sharing this. I do love my tribe...more than any words could ever convey.
- November 6, 2012 at 11:42 PM
- Amelia said...
I really really needed this right now. I feel like I'm on a different planet from everyone else. It's good to know it's name.
I'm so glad I found you.
- November 7, 2012 at 1:38 AM
Wow, I should not have read this at work, but damn it is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you my friend for sharing and love to you and Eliza always. ~Missy
- November 7, 2012 at 8:24 AM
Love that book. She writes so tremendously.
- November 7, 2012 at 9:20 AM
- Erin M said...
Just wanted to thank you for your blog. It has been very helpful. I lost my baby girl in February. She was stillborn when I was 40.5 weeks pregnant. It has been the most difficult time in my life. I very much related to this article. Thank you for sharing.
- November 8, 2012 at 12:38 PM
- supposedtobemysymphony said...
This was just perfect. Thanks so much for posting.
- November 8, 2012 at 6:19 PM
- Love's mom FOREVER said...
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Hank you for sharing and and for being such an important voice for our tribe. I have often wondered why I am always so drawn back to our Blm blogosphere. I check in constantly and feel like I am home here much more than when I check in with my "real life" friends obn Facebook. You and Julie have hit the nail on the head: 1) because here I get to be with others on Planet My Dead Baby, because man oh man, sometimes Earthlings just don't friggin get it; and 2) because as Julie so brilliantly puts it: my daughter lives here. On Earth, Love is dead. I talk about her rarely, and when I do it is very brief because I know it makes people uncomfortable. Here, her name rolls off my tongue and many of you know who she is and don't recoil in horror or try to change the subject. She lives on Planet My Dead Baby with me, and with the rest of the tribe. I love you all. And I love our tribe. And I love our home on our sad but supportive planet.
- November 9, 2012 at 4:59 AM
- car said...
Another wow from here. It's wonderful to read about someone who gets IT so clearly.
Am I the only one who wants to know if Stuck found our tribe, if she found a way to keep going?
- November 9, 2012 at 8:30 AM
- amourningmom.com said...
I wish none of us had to live on Planet my baby (or in my case my babies) are dead. Sending hope and hugs to you all. Take care.
- November 25, 2012 at 12:00 PM
- Jessica Watson said...
Just found this post (and you) through a Mourning Mom. I lost my daughter when she was three days old and this post is so, I don't even know what, hard to read, comforting, everything. In one sentence it makes me feel like I am making progress and the next it sends me back to not being able to cope with the finality of it all. Thank you for sharing.
- November 27, 2012 at 7:05 AM
- hopeforpassion said...
I lived on Planet My Baby died in my arms since 15 months today.
I posted a repost from your post here if you'd like to read my thoughts: http://hopeforpassion.wordpress.com/
If you like, I'd love to have you join here with Eliza's story: http://remembereverylittlesoul.wordpress.com/
All Love, Nathalie
- December 3, 2012 at 4:45 AM
- loribeth said...
Wow, such wise advice & wonderful words... if only more people were half as compassionate, Planet My Baby Died would be a much better & more liveable place.
I don't know if she's ever lost a baby, but she did lose her mother to cancer, which was part of the reason she decided to walk the Pacific Coast Trail (which she later wrote about in "Wild" -- which is a fabulous book). I have "Dear Sugar" in my "to read" pile -- I think I may move it up closer to the top. ; )
- December 6, 2012 at 7:36 PM


text:
What's a book about SEC tailgating traditions without a tour to SEC tailgates? Christie Leigh is lacing up her cleats, packing up her tent and putting on her pearls for her 2012 Gridiron Belles Tour of Saturdays in Dixie. Taking the scenic route on back roads through small towns and large cities, Christie Leigh will be stopping off at your favorite book stores and correspondence shops on her way to 7 SEC stadiums… in one season alone!
Visit her on the road or find her at your next tailgate to purchase your copy of Gridiron Belles: A Guide to Saturdays in Dixie and to brush up on your football knowledge and tailgating ideas. Spread the word — Tell your hairdresser, your sorority sisters, your book club, or any Belle you see on the street, Christie Leigh is coming to your town and you won't want to miss her!
Check out Christie Leigh's tour dates, see you at the game!
1. September 29, 2012
Arkansas at Texas A&M
2. October 6, 2012
Georgia at South Carolina
3. October 13, 2012
Auburn at Ole Miss
4. October 20, 2012
Alabama at Tennessee
5. October 27, 2012
Kentucky at Missouri
6. November 3, 2012
Alabama at LSU
7. December 1, 2012
SEC Championship (Atlanta, GA)


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