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Keeping the Faith
Keeping the Faith: Blowin' in the Wind
Ronnie McBrayer is responsible for this content, which is not edited by the Wilson County News or wilsoncountynews.com.
Ronnie McBrayer
April 16, 2013
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Now that Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio has been installed as Pope Francis, I must say that I could not be happier with the papal conclave's choice. Not that the College of Cardinals would bother to ask my opinion on the matter -- I'm not even Catholic -- but as a student of religion, one who stumbles along trying to follow Jesus, and a lover of startling, historic moments, I am ecstatic.
All the obvious reasons for my joy come to mind. Pope Francis is the first pope from the Southern hemisphere; the first Bishop of Rome born in Latin America; he is the first Vicar of Christ with a Jesuit background, and the first Successor of Peter to take the name "Francis," honoring the legacy of Francis of Assisi, the medieval saint who so loved God's creation and who practiced spiritual and everyday simplicity.
But I am most thrilled for Francis because it means the end of Pope Benedict's reign over the Catholic Church. It's not that I had anything personal against old Ben (remember I'm not even Catholic), though his role as "God's Rottweiler," the theological enforcer of the Church, made me jittery. My grudge with Benedict goes back to September 1997.
It was the Italian Eucharist Congress, and a frail Pope John Paul II was presiding. The Harlem Gospel Singers had just finished performing for the audience when who should walk out on the stage but no other than Bob Dylan! In pinstripes and a white cowboy hat, he sang three songs that night: "Knocking on Heaven's Door," appropriate I think; "A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall," (classic Dylan); and a salute to the youth in the crowd and the aging pope, "Forever Young."
Talk about startling, historic moments! But bad-tempered Benny, then known as Cardinal Ratzinger, was not amused. He had failed in his attempt to cancel Bob Dylan's appearance before the Holy See. Benedict, a classically trained pianist, loves classical and sacred music. But his love for song does not transfer to other musical genres.
He has said that all rock music is the product of Satan, he cancelled the Advent rock and roll concert series at the Vatican begun by Pope John Paul, and took a negative view of using guitars at mass. In his memoirs he sneered about Bob Dylan's appearance before Pope John Paul II, saying: "There was reason to be skeptical -- I was, and in some ways I still am -- over whether it was really right to allow this type of 'prophet' to appear."
So while there may be many reasons to be glad for Pope Francis' arrival -- many of these reasons complex, political, and theological -- my reason is fairly simple. You have to be cautious of giving your whole-hearted trust to someone who doesn't like Bob Dylan.
But Pope John Paul II seemed to have liked Dylan just fine. As Cardinal Ratzinger stood coldly by, he delivered a short homily after the concert that included lyrics from Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind," saying: "You've asked, 'How many roads must a man walk down before he becomes a man?' I answer you: One! There is only one road for man and it is Christ, who said, 'I am the life.'"
Interesting, don't you think, that the then Pope John Paul spoke of simplicity as the road forward. He spoke as Christ being enough. It has echoes of another Paul, the Apostle Paul, who once said that all his spiritual accomplishments, all his religious fanfare, all his ceremonial ballyhoo, all his pompous credentials, and all his ceremonious posturing were now considered garbage. They were trash. Junk. Rubbish. Literally, it was all manure. The only thing that mattered to his faith was Jesus Christ alone.
I am not terribly optimistic that a single man, no matter how many "firsts" are attached to his new administration, can correct years of encrusted arrogance and corruption or replace the accumulated labyrinths of doctrinal and ceremonial complexity with simplicity. But I have hope. I have hope that change is indeed blowing in the wind.
Next Blog Entry (May 6, 2013) »
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Other Keeping the Faith
September 2014
Keeping the Faith: The Pearl of Great Price
(September 27, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Hard of Hearing
(September 25, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: What is wrong with this world?
(September 20, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Love is the Final Word
(September 13, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Stay in School
(September 6, 2014)
August 2014
Keeping the Faith: Keep it simple ...
(August 30, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Wise up
(August 23, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: The Man Behind the Curtain
(August 16, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: 'The Preacher'
(August 8, 2014)
July 2014
Keeping the Faith: Let Go�Or Be Dragged
(July 26, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Fight like a Butterfly
(July 12, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: A Garden in the Wilderness
(July 5, 2014)
June 2014
Keeping the Faith: Praying for Rain
(June 21, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: 'Our Father'
(June 14, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: The Good News Is Good News
(June 7, 2014)
May 2014
Keeping the Faith: Practice Love
(May 31, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Not Slaves, But Sons and...
(May 19, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: For the Least of These
(May 17, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Your Life Will Outlive You
(May 10, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Grow Old, Grow Strong
(May 3, 2014)
April 2014
Keeping the Faith: Love Saves the World from Death
(April 26, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: An Empty Tomb is not an...
(April 19, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Palm Sunday Sufferings
(April 12, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: What We Carry
(April 5, 2014)
March 2014
Keeping the Faith: What We Carry
(March 28, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: The Scars of Forgiveness
(March 26, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: The End of the World as...
(March 24, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Break the Kettles
(March 22, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Learning to Trust
(March 20, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: 'All that once was good'
(March 18, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: A Change Is Gonna Come
(March 16, 2014)
February 2014
Keeping the Faith: More than Words
(February 13, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Like a Rock
(February 12, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Turn Down the 'Stinking...
(February 11, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: You Will Be Free
(February 10, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: The Safety Net
(February 2, 2014)
January 2014
Keeping the Faith: Clear Communication is...
(January 17, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Let It Be
(January 17, 2014)
Keeping the Faith: Choose the Future
(January 11, 2014)
November 2013
Keeping the Faith: Never Submit
(November 26, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Hope over Hysteria
(November 15, 2013)
October 2013
Keeping the Faith: The Ones Jesus Loves
(October 13, 2013)
August 2013
Keeping the Faith: No More Show-And-Tell
(August 18, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Take it Outside
(August 15, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Catching Up
(August 9, 2013)
July 2013
Keeping the Faith: Seeing Stars
(July 9, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Mixing is a Mistake
(July 3, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: You Have to Trust Somebody
(July 2, 2013)
June 2013
Keeping the Faith: Thanks Dad for Wising Up
(June 28, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Multitasking Madness
(June 27, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: School�s Out
(June 14, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: A Special Welcome
(June 7, 2013)
May 2013
Keeping the Faith: Choose To Be Happy
(May 17, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: A Saint Goes Marching In
(May 10, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Just Hang On
(May 7, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: The Wisdom of Simplicity
(May 7, 2013)
Keep the Faith: The Power of Now
(May 6, 2013)
April 2013
Keeping the Faith: Where Nothing Is Sacred
(April 8, 2013)
March 2013
Keeping the Faith: Bad, Good, and Better News
(March 30, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: The Carpenter is Dead
(March 29, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Get Humble, Get Holy
(March 25, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Walk On
(March 20, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: How Far is Heaven?
(March 18, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: God Said It�And That Unsettles It
(March 15, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Hard Grace
(March 13, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Some Last, Some First, All Equal
(March 8, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: More Than We Can Stand
(March 1, 2013)
February 2013
Keeping the Faith: Oh the Tangled Web We Must...
(February 25, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Minding Our Business
(February 21, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: For 10,000 Hours�Or More
(February 8, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Some Assembly Required
(February 4, 2013)
January 2013
Keeping the Faith: In the Arms of Love
(January 18, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: Oh the Tangled Web We Must...
(January 5, 2013)
Keeping the Faith: It�s Time
(January 4, 2013)
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Rape Date
March 19, 2009
I met this girl on an "adult" website. We exchanged a few e-mails, then we chatted over IM twice, just the basic small talk, before exchanging numbers. It was on the phone that she told me about her rape fantasy: She has always fantasized about being kidnapped by a stranger from a public place, held in a dark room over the weekend, and forced to do whatever her captor wants.
That sounds hot, but I wouldn't do it without at least meeting first. Safety first. So the idea now is to meet at a bar, have a drink, and then go back to my place and enact a date-rape scene. Not quite her ultimate fantasy, but it just so happens to be one of my all-time fantasies. We're both turned on by the idea that we will be near-strangers.
Now here comes the problem: What if she is some wacko who will call the cops on me/blackmail me and say it was actual rape? Can I protect myself from this somehow? We never talked about it over IM, just on the phone. This is one of the boxes I would like to check before I die, but I want to be safe about it. Help!
To Rape Or Not To Rape
I'm tempted to advise you—and others with similar fantasies (not all of them men, not all of them straight)—to Google "Oliver Jovanovic" and then move on to the next question. But there's the digital divide to consider: Not all aspiring date-rape fetishists have access to the interwebs.
Oliver Jovanovic was a graduate student at Columbia University when he met a woman named Jamie Rzucek on the interwebs way, way back in 1996. The two bonded over a shared interest in bondage and torture, and they met up for an evening of consensual sex that included bondage and torture. After it was all over, Rzucek went to the police and Jovanovic was arrested, prosecuted, found guilty, and given 15 years to life. He spent almost two years in prison—during which time he was brutally assaulted—before he was released on appeal and ultimately kinda, sorta exonerated.
Guess what got Jovanovic out of prison? E-mails that had been improperly excluded by the judge during the first trial. The e-mails showed that Rzucek had not only consented to engage in bondage and S&M, but that she had touched base with Jovanovic after the fact to tell him how exhilarated she was.
The lesson for you, TRONTR, is to get it in goddamn writing. Negotiate this scene via e-mail, keep copies of those e-mails, and agree in advance—via e-mail—on a safe word that, if uttered, brings the action to a screeching halt. I'd also suggest that you—with her consent—make a digital audio recording of the encounter. Then you wouldn't just have e-mails proving she consented going in, TRONTR, but a digital recording that proved you stopped whatever it was you were doing if she used her safe word and retracted her consent during the encounter.
Making a digital audio recording of the encounter means you won't have photos or video to share over the interwebs, which should appeal to her if she is concerned about privacy. And using the magic of the World Wide Interwebs, you can simultaneously record this encounter on your computer and remotely on hers. That should give her some assurance that you won't take advantage of her written consent to a consensual rape-role-play scenario as a cover to actually rape her, i.e., to do things she hasn't consented to or to ignore her if she removes her consent during the act, because then she'd have proof that you ignored her safe word and kept going after she withdrew her consent.
I've been seeing "Radioman" for a few weeks—the physical chemistry between us is amazing, and we have a lot of fun. He had a vasectomy a year ago (he's only 26), and for me this is a deal breaker since I want to have a family. The other surprise is that he is in relationships with two other women and the three of them get together and have threesomes. I am a bisexual woman recently out of a long-term relationship, and I am interested in joining this little playgroup. However, I met one of the other women recently, and she seemed jealous and upset. Radioman insists that she was just tired and actually likes me. I'm not so sure. Am I asking for drama by getting involved in this foursome?
Thinking Of Joining A Harem
Speaking of drama: Teen mom Bristol Palin and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, called it quits last week. So we've been cheated out of the Royal Rube Wedding we were promised during last summer's Republican National Convention—and another child will grow up without a father in the home, which is a tragedy for the child, according to America's Talibangelists.
Or that's what they said when Mary Cheney—remember that dyke?—had a baby with a woman she would marry if she could marry. It's weird that America's Talibangelists aren't making the same point now.
I hate to disagree, Dan, but you missed the mark when you wrote this: "When we marry, we're signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don't marry."
Dan, people marry for many, many reasons. Sex is only one of them, and sometimes it isn't even high on the list—or on the list at all. Family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on. Your surprisingly narrow description of what marriage means needs some rethinking.
Thanks for your work,
Cacilda Jethá, MD
I'm willing to concede that I left an important subordinate clause out of the sentence that riled you, CJ: "When we marry, we're signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades, among other things..."
Marriage can be about all the things you list, but so long as sexual exclusivity is presumed to be a part of marriage—a defining part, according to the right-wingers—spouses have a right to expect sexual activity within their marriages. People who are interested in marriage but not sex—people whose lists only include family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on, but not sex—need to inform their prospective spouses of their disinterest in sex before marrying, not after.
As I've said a million times: If you don't think that sex is what marriage is all about, mostly about, or even partly about, if sex is something you can live without, that's grand. But you need to marry someone who feels the same way or inform your betrothed of your disinterest in advance. And if you lose interest in sex after you marry, but want your partner to stick around for the family and stability and friendship, I'll let you in on a little secret: The spouse is likelier to stick around if you give the spouse permission to get his or her sexual needs met elsewhere.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people who aren't interested in sex—who consider sex to be trivial and unimportant—nevertheless deny their frustrated partners permission to do this trivial, unimportant thing with others.
Comments (123) RSS
I have only recently discovered your collemns and I find that you write beautifully-insightful without being stuffy and humorous without pretension.
As such, I would like to ask if you could provide me with some advice.
I am a 21 year old single lady who, up until last October, was in a 7 month relationship that involved a brief stint living together. The relationship was not a happy one-in essence, I had fallen for a man who was practically a carbon copy of my father: Alcoholic, emotionally repressed, mentally instabe, manipulative and melancholy.
There was much emotional abuse involved and towards the end, my confidence hit rock bottom.
After months of papering over the cracks, I ended it for the sake of my dignity and my sanity.
That was nearly 3 months ago.
I haven't seen or heard from my ex since as I cut off all contact. Deleted his number, email and blocked him from my IM programs.
I also generally avoid the places he's prone to hanging out in as I fear that if I *DO* bump into him, I won't be held accountable for my actions.
I do NOT want to get back with him in any way shape or form, but my main problem is his mother.
As I live in a quintessential Irish town, there's little I can do to prevent from bumping into her and whilst we never really had much in common, I find that lately, she is using every opportunity to befriend me.
Bare in mind, when I was living with my ex, it was in his mother's house and I regularly had to put up with verbal abuse and threats of violence from her psychotic boyfriend whilst she stood idly by and more or less stuck her fingers in her ears going "La-la-la, not listening".
I hold contempt towards her for this but I am too polite to let it be known. what I would like to know is this:
How do I let her know that I want absolutely nothing to do with her, her deadbeat son and certifiably insane partner without offending her as I worry she try to slander me in retaliation.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
All the best.
-Sarah, from Ireland
Remember all those Peanuts cartoons about Lucy pulling the football away? That's what it was about.
mind you, only pathological sociopaths lie about vasectomies; but by the time you find out that's what they *really are*, it's pretty much too late.
yeah, brad, i'm talking to you, you fucker. where's my child support, bitch?
It could be that she's cheating on you. Some women lose interest in her husband when the relationship is no longer exciting and then find someone else. But even if it's not that, check out www.marriagebuilders.com
I left an 8-year relationship (rather hastily, for another woman a couple of years ago... Not a thing I EVER thought I would do... but I TOTALLY fell head over heels, and am still, 2 years later, in love with this lady!!!)
At some point, I 'fogged out' or something during my previous relationship.
I felt like Archie Bunker sitting there in an old-fart, dead relationship. Sexually, after many years, and many attempts to provoke a sexual relationship that would NEVER have happened, in a million years, I learned that there was so much sexual abuse in her past that she never faced with me or herself. I found out the level and frequency of abuse... which was WAAAAY more than she intoned initially on this topic. I, only then, realized my whole sexual life with her was gross for her ... on the last day of US!... On my way out the door of our relationship!
Motherf*ck! That hurt!!!
I am still reeling from that lack of info 'abuse'! Not fair, not fair!!! I could have helped if I knew!
I spent too many years thinking I was an unfuc*able, fugly beeyatch, because she never told me.... Point is... that sh*t sucks... SO glad you brought it up!!!!! xo from Toronto!!!!!
No disrespect meant... but have you considered counselling, doctor? Worried about your patients, is all.
Tough shit for her. She can't have one without the other. Anyway, what is she going to do about it? Divorce you? Why not beat her to the punch on that one? She's esentially divorcing you already.
If it's some problem she has, it's up to her to deal with it. Or else she's essentially divorcing you that way.
I'm thinking-getting attacked and raped at Greenlake.
It makes perfect sense to me. If a woman is married to a man who believes that being in love automatically equals wanting to have sex, wouldn't it be natural for her to assume he believes that wanting to have sex automatically equals being in love? And wouldn't it then be a natural fear for her that if he started having sex with another woman, he would develop feelings for her and leave his wife?
In fact, I'd want something like 4 dates for this.
1st date: just talk
2nd date: straight sex
3rd date: wrestling on the floor; no sex
4th date: now maybe you're ready for rape play
Living your hell myself, right down to the birth control issue. I actually came right out and told her I didn't want to have sex with anyone but her, but that I DID want to have sex. Everyone else here who is trying to espouse all the PC psychobabble don't know what it's like to be totally in love with your wife, but not be able to love her. No advice for you, just commiseration.
Your dismissive letter to Dan Savage this week was unwarranted, but ironically, very welcome, after reading Dan's response to comments. I think you knew very well what Dan was getting at in the first place, as well as the intentions of many married couples' needs in the bedroom. I found your statement of Dan having a 'surprisingly narrow description of what marriage means " very insulting and very naive, given the intention of the original article.
Moreover, placing your blog info without any real response email borders on the self-serving. You also thank him for his work, but that rings exceedingly false in light of the comments made. Dan's last paragraph really hits to the nature of the original statement he made in the first response you commented on, and it shows more wisdom and forethought, and more importantly, is a more vital statement on the real issues that married couples face. It ironic that in the telltale signs you left for readers to infer that you are an extremely well-informed and educated writer, those very things make YOU look ignorant and condescending.
A related possibility would be for each to jointly sign a statement and mail copies to both across the counter at the post office the day before -- then if there's drama during, at least the document is in "mail escrow" with a postmark. It'd help to xerox the document and seal the envelopes with a piece of tape or label bearing both's signatures, so guy has a copy he can swear to and a sealed original that can go straight into evidence without tampering.
Contract law doesn't trump criminal law, so the documents only have to be worded so far as establishing consent.
No Handle: your response to Shoulda Waited was a direct bullseye, too! I couldn't have put it better myself.
...and that's largely why, after getting divorced and out of a once-nightmarish situation, that I'm still unmarried by choice today.
For those of you out there who are truly happily married with or without children or whatever your situation is and you can make everything blissfully work, hats off to you!
Come on. They fucked 2-3x/wk, and then her libido suddenly disappeared shortly after he proposed? Two years before the kid? I'm very familiar with how kids and/or familiarity effects your love life (having been with my wife now for over 20 years) but this timing FUCKING BLOWS.
The girlfriend put out on a regular basis to get this guy to marry her. That's not how it works in our modern, liberal, urban Seattle world but that bullshit is still very alive and kicking in the southern and bible thumping parts of the country.
Shy men do have a problem getting women into bed (women love the aggressive alphas), and I'm sure he's right about women have better luck finding a woman for a threesome (or even a twosome-and-a-onewatchingsome) but the fact that he's married should help him because there are a fair number of women who are attracted to men who are married.
wow. Thanks! Well written good thoughts. Wife and I have the same ideas but we need those reminders.
"I've come to realize that loving this woman means respecting her libido for what it is even if she can't do the same for me. ... I do see myself looking back upon it fondly. There is a whole lot of good that is really good. It's just that there is one little bad that is really bad."
Dan's again this week points out paradox of "don't play with others but I don't want to fool around with you any longer" aka The sex starved monogamous parents. I think a lot of us need support and solutions other than cheating.
ps: The sex withered long before the pregnancy, which was planned. We share the home duties, which need my attention ASAP. gotta run.
The letter I refer to was a young girl who had sex, or was raped by an exboyfriend, and her current partner was pissed about it. You told her she was raped. Maybe if she went to a rape center, they would tell her the same thing.
I don't think she was raped at all, I just think she was a young idiot girl. By telling her she was raped, you meant to help her, but what you actually did was make so she will not learn her rights to own body, she will be afraid all the time, becuz if she views herself as raped she is powerless to stop it from happening again.
This girl could have stopped being such a victim, put on her ugly voice, told the guy to fuck the hell off, and my feeling is he would have.
But she didn't, she was a people pleaser. She didn't want him to not like her. She had a good relationship with him and did not want to alienate him.. She didn't feel she had the right to say no and protect her body, she decided it was easier to just let him go ahead and do it.
Having been a teenage female myself in previous history, having gone through my share of shyte, I understand her situation, and how she could have gotten out of it, and why she didn't.
By not understanding her power to stop this, how can she feel safe to ever go anyhwere again, cuz when any guy who wants her she has no power to say Fuck Off in no uncertain terms?
Ther words were in her mouth but she was not frozen with fear, she was frozen with a fear of being unlikelable, having low self esteem, not feeling she had a right to stand up for her body. I can promise you, if it would have been me in this situation, and it has been, when you stop acting like a wimpy female, a victim, you take control and get ugly, the guy fucks off.
Too often women are taught everything is the men's fault, I am woman |I am strong, I am invincible, but I am so polite I won't get ugly if a guy I don't like wants to have sex with me. I am a victim and any guy who wants to can fuck me cuz I am too nice to get mean if it is required with a drunk amorous guy.
If a girl or woman doesn't stop being a victim, then she will never feel safe. Before I learned to get ugly I was a victim for sure. Woman are often raised to be people pleasers, and this programming can be intense, so intense you will allow someone to have sex with you becuz you don't want to essentially raise a fuss, be unattractive.
If she had poked him with her finger, said " WHAT THE PHUCK DO YOU THINK YER DOIN MUTHA PHUCKER?? BACK THE PHUCK UP!!!"
Had she let her adrenaline rise to somewhere useful, screwed her face up angry instead of being a helpless female, the outcome would have been qwite different, her ex would know in no uncertain terms that her bod was off limits.
This happens to way more teen girls than is does adult women, cuz we learn to say NO in no uncertain terms. Sometimes it is as easy as teaching young women the right to get ugly.
Once I was almost gang banged at a cop after hours private club. It was stupid how I ended up there, I had gone with friend who had split without telling me.
Dumped at the cop legion in wee hours, everyone drunk, I went to their clubhouse cause I lived far away and a cop was going to drive me home after. When we left the legion and went to the clubhouse, I was wasted, but thought I was safe, I was with cops after all. Well, they were cops, but they were also drunk men.
There were no other women when we got to the clubhouse, booze was pouring, music playing, I was happy zip around, bounce around to the loud music girl, having fun, cause why torture my liver for no good reason?
Next thing I know, I am on the floor, pinned, held down from every angle by these guys, they are about to gang me. Adrenaline wiped out my drunk buzz in a hearbeat, and I changed right along with it. I stopped being cute dancing girl, and I turned on my drill sargent voice, and commanded them to drop me. I became ugly, authoritarian, I gave orders. While I was held down and on my back. I guarantee if the girl you talked to had been in my place, she would have been viciously raped. Not me, no way. I turned into someone else. My voice and command was in anything but victim mode. The men woke up from their trance, their pack behaviour ended.
They let go of me and backed the hell up.
I went behind the bar with the only cop who did not join in. He was the cop who was going to drive me to my somewhat distant home. He told me to stay behind the bar with him. He said " I am not going to say out loud what was just about to happen, but you and I both know . I wasn't going to take part, but I wasn't going to try to stop them either. I don't know how you did what you just did, I don't know how you stopped them, but just stay behind the bar till the other women get here.
I know how I stopped them. I refused to be a victim, I could give a shit if someone hears me use such an ugly intense voice they could think I was a man. I love to serve dinner or tea for guests, but I am not a people pleaser.
I was a hardcore partier in my youth, I put myself in so many stupid situations that could have gone wrong, but when wrong took it's first step, and every time I shut it down. Everytime, and being a girl who loved to party, wrong turned up often.
I don't get physical and then not use my voice. Getting physical without commands means you will likely get raped. A whole dance occurs. I snap them out of it. Whiney, pleading 'please don't hurt me' tactics means you will get hurt. Grow up, be an adult, tell them to phuck off. Don't sit there silent, give weak 'no's cause sometimes women give weak no's that mean yes. We really do.
Don't be wimp then call a guy a rapist cause you didn't want to be impolite and clear about your meaning. He isn't a rapist, you are an idiot weak chick who needs to learn to stand up for yourself. Anyhow, I can see your intention was to be kind, mine maybe is not, mine is to empower, and I have had enough experience to know whereof I speak, cheers, and thanx for spending so much of your helping folks. Hope ya have a groovey week.
Wow, a lot of people have comments for you, and your post didn't even have anything to do with this week's column! You sound pretty frustrated. Going without is no fun. Part of your last sentence of your original post, "don't let the other do the birth control" makes me wonder whether you were ready to parent.
It's a lot of work, isn't it? The first few years, it feels like the parents are basically slaves to Baby. But the little tyrant does grow up and go off to school and even, eventually, helps with the chores.
Speaking of chores, it may be a useful exercise to look at the load on each of you. I can't know if it's the case in your household, but often women can feel things are out of balance after the children come along.
Is your wife working? If so, she's especially tired.
Is your wife nursing? This takes a surprising amount of time and energy, though it may not look like it to you.
Who does the laundry?
Who does the grocery shopping?
Who does the cooking?
Where is the mop and or vacuum kept, and when did you last use it?
Look in the diaper pail. How many of those diapers did you change? (And while you're at it, is it time to take those diapers out now?)
Who does the dishes?
Do you have time to go to the gym? Does she?
Who feeds the pets?
Who does the errands?
All these seem like small things, but they can take up an entire mind-numbing week.
Some men compare what they do around the house to what their fathers did when they were little and feel pretty good about themselves. But your wife compares what you do to what she does. Besides, can you really know what your dad did when you were a baby, or whether he was getting any? You might want to ask him about it.
Flowers, baths, wine, etc are very nice, but when you are tired even they can seem like an imposition on precious sleep. Whether or not your wife works outside the home, try taking a load off your wife by working steadily when from the time you come home to the time you go to bed. Don't lounge while she is doing any chore. See that she gets her sleep. Doing your fair share will endear you to her and make her the envy of all her friends. It may pay immediate dividends in bed or it may not, but it will help your marriage in the long run.
These hard years do fly by. It will get better. I'd recommend you do some serious talking before you have another child, as each new person added to the household adds exponentially more work. But if you have balance in your household, it can be managed. Look at all the people in the world who are making it work!
You still find your wife to be attractive and wonderful. She loves you too, and I bet your baby is cute. Go ahead and be happy. Good luck.
Actually, it hadn't crossed my mind. Now that you mention it, though...
You've pretty much accused your wife of plotting to get pregnant in order to trap you into marriage ("don't let the other person handle birth control"?) based on the fact that, near as I can tell, her sex drive changed when she got pregnant. Gosh, what a turn on!
Refusing counseling is a bad sign, but, if your tone here is any indication, are you maybe phrasing the request like, "You need to fix yourself so that you can take care of my needs"?
You can bet that in 75 (and probably more like 90) percent of the cases where it's not high on the list, or not on the list at all, it's a woman. Why? Because while some women really love sex (bless their hot libidos) sex just isn't as important to most women as it is to most men. Most women can go without sex much easier than most men can. I can't tell you how many women I've met who say they get enough intimacy with things like hugs from their friends. I like hugs as much as the next person but it's hard to imagine many men finding hugs as good as sex.
Now, as for what Savage said, he's on target as usual. If a woman doesn't care for sex that much, or can live without it, and still wants to marry or be in a relationship with a guy, that's not a problem...as long as she finds a similar guy (not easy, because most guys really like sex), or tells the guy about her lack of interest in sex so he can decide if he can accept it or not. And he's so dead-on when he says, "It never ceases to amaze me how many people who aren't interested in sex—who consider sex to be trivial and unimportant—nevertheless deny their frustrated partners permission to do this trivial, unimportant thing with others." Women (okay people but it's mostly women) who aren't interested in sex (or were interested in it but then lose interest in it) are acting very selfishly when they forbid their partners from getting it elsewhere.
1. Who care for the baby primarily? If your wife, I assume she's also working. When does she get to relax and (assuming that sex isn't rest for her - I enjoy sex but it isn't rest for me - it's good-feeling work, but not relaxation) what does she get from you to help her relax and feel good? It's amazing what a sex-massage-sex-massage nightly schedule can do for both parties.
2. Does she also take on care-taking for both herself and you, as well as your child? If so, I would advise getting a PDA and putting together house-hold to-do list focused on the day-to-day items (painting the house doesn't count since it can always be put off; doing dishes, laundry, shopping, etc. does because it needs to be done when it needs to be done). If she's doing the day-to-day to-do list, then there's a lot of mental exhaustion.
3. Maybe offering to take your child on saturdays so she can do something she wants (no chores, to-do-lists, etc. allowed) might also allow more feelings of sexiness and "I have me-time so I have something to give to someone else" feelings.
There's nothing like emotional or mental exhaustion to kill any feelings of sexiness or even feeling like there's enough of one's self to be able to give time to another person. Without the inner reserves (which are eaten up by work, care-taking, children, and to-do lists), then sex becomes a luxury for 'once the necessities' are taken care of. It may be that your relationship is very even in it's division of labor, but I know very few, especially with children (who are generally seen as the woman's responsibility - how many women say to their hubbies "I'll be gone with friend tomorrow night/next saturday" and just trot off), but I know of very few where the man does take on a lot of the day-to-day operations, the ones which NEED to be done when they NEED to be done. You may want to ask your wife about her to-do list - it may be surprising how long it is. I could be completely off-track, it could be medical, it could be that she was never interested in sex, but it could also be a lack of interest because she's stressed, exhausted, and feels like you aren't holding up your part of the bargain, the part that says each partner takes half the work. It's just a lot easier to say "medical" or "not interested" than "she's under stress from running our household and working and care-taking for myself and my child- What can I be responsibility for in my life/household?" This is different from helping - which implies it is her responsibility. If you already have had a truly frank talk about responsibilities and stress in the home, then great. Please ignore this then. If not, then please just consider it.
P.S. This is from my own experience. I have to-do lists that are 3-pages long while my bf has to-do lists that are 3 or 4 things. The resentment would be great except he's responsible for the on-going day-to-day operations (laundry, groceries, rent) while I have all the random stuff (make cat appointment, doc appointment, plan trip, renew birth control, renew lease, etc. items. Most of my coworkers talk about how "wonderful" my boyfriend is for cooking most nights, but I still make sure his clothing isn't falling to rags, his appointments are made, put together the cooking schedule/grocery list, etc. - the "running the household" expectations on women can be high while often are rather low for men (disclaimer: not always the case, etc., etc.). I'm sure people will jump on it for assuming it's the man's fault, but most men chance after marriage/kids/etc. just as much as women - it can be changes in him just like it can be changes in her. She may have thought he would continue to be the "wonderful" boyfriend who cooks and now he's the "lumpy" husband who watches his wife cook from the sofa. If we can stereotype the wife who loses interest in sex since she's "tricked" him, then we must also acknowledge the reality behind the stereotype of the husband who forgets to be an adult, creates messes, and is as much work as a child. It always takes two to tango (if not, you're the crazy nut dancing with yourself on the corner). To assume he's stayed the same person and only she has changes may be as much a fallacy as assuming it's just his fault - in either case, both parties must be examined.
I'd say it's more like a general misunderstanding of sex, rape, kink, and consent that ends up hurting different people depending on the situation. A case where a man tied up and whipped a woman is going to look unfairly bad for him, but meanwhile, the ol' "You can't rape a slut!" argument is enough to let real rapists walk all over the place.
All those things that people are telling you to do, do them. They won't get you any sex but they will make you a better person. And perhaps this is all about the kid and will all blow over in time. Then again, perhaps it wont.
I've been with my wife for about twenty years two of them before we wed. The sex started out pretty good but dropped to just acceptable. When we married I thought that things had leveled off and, yes, marriage is about more than sex. I love her greatly. But over time her libido has kept dropping and dropping. We've had all the conversations and I've done all the stuff and we don't have children. She did agree once to sex twice a week but pretty soon we missed one and then another and then pretty soon it was right back to where her body told her to be. I've come to realize that loving this woman means respecting her libido for what it is even if she can't do the same for me.
So once you are sure that it's not the pregnancy and things haven't gotten better, let yourself grieve and let go of what's dead. From there you'll just have to find your own path, be it divorce, adultery or resignation. And if you have been working on all those things that make you better person you will be more marketable should you choose options one or two.
For what it's worth I really don't see my marriage lasting forever. But I do see myself looking back upon it fondly. There is a whole lot of good that is really good. It's just that there is one little bad that is really bad.
And for your information, I make my living as a writer, usually making between $20 and $50 an hour for what I do. I use AC to post stuff I write for my own enjoyment, like a lot of professional writers. Also, I got $10 for that article, which is actually a fair payment for a non-exclusive printing. And I don't usually make it a habit to promote my own stuff, but it was relevant, so I linked it. Get over it.
I would bet she comes from a social environment where a woman's value is strongly based upon being married with children. It appears that once she was assured she'd got a husband, she felt free to stop doing something she didn't like or enjoy. Having the kid was the "lock on the box".
In my own case, even though inexperienced in sex, I always *thought* I had a high libido. For undiagnosed physical reasons, penetrative sex turned out to be painful and unpleasurable.
My husband was gentle and skilled, so I thought things would improve with experience. It didn't. Unfortunately, neither one of us could talk about it. It wasn't until after my husband passed away that finally a doctor diagnosed my problem and fixed it with surgery. I still regret all those years my husband quietly suffered without sex.
Whether it be for physical or mental reasons, (or because she is an unacknowledged lesbian), the only real solution I can see for you is to get her to accept professional help.
It's her indifference to the problem that bothers me. If being a married lady is important to her at all, I'd say an ultimatum is in order. Sit down and have a serious talk with her and insist she try to work this out.
Otherwise [Dump the - whatever the acronym for dumping a jerky woman is - already]
I feel for you.. a few things to consider though. Have you TALKED to her? Like repeatedly, asked her many many questions and not just asked for sex or counseling and then sulk away? Sit down and explain how much you care about your "sexy wife" (that was cute) and you want to work on this. Don't let her get up until she gives you a real reason. Someone else mentioned birth control--that COULD be it. My sister was on a type of pill that literally made sex uncomfortable, because she wasn't turned on--and she had no idea until she went off it. Maybe it's her type of birth control she's using. Different pills treat women different ways.
Yes, maybe she's tired... perhaps you need a date night, no sex required? A lack of sex in a marriage is an indication of deeper problems. Maybe she feels like you're not "romantic".. do you compliment her, tell her you love her, do things around the house to show this, etc? Try the above.
The baby makes sex less appealing for a reason--nature's birth control. Seriously. They are a SERIOUS amount of work and a libido drain for a lot of people. I don't think anyone gets this until they're faced with the little punkins. I suppose if you have help (a nanny, a grandmother, whatever) it might not be so demanding. But holy hell, I had no idea.
sex after kids, until the kids are pretty flipping old comes second to the whole kid thing. As my husband said about our third "that had to be immaculate conception"
But eventually they do stop coming into your room and bugging you. Eventually the mom does stop feeling claustrophobic about people wrapping their arms around her. (kids take a lot of physical affection and so that need for skin contact isn't so huge. In fact when my husband used to hug me it felt like more more damn demand.)
Eventually the heat comes back on. LISTEN, If you do believe in marriage, look at the thing as it's a big picture, long-term event. The 2-3 time a week thing has to be less important than the mental health of the mom if she's the center of the family (I suppose she isn't, always.). If you want the marriage to work, be a partner first. Take your consolation from being a good team member and if you have to use your hand on occasion, don't whine.
Thank god my husband understood all this and had the patience to wait for me when I was too flipping tired and taken to the limit. We were parents first for a while--years and years--and now we're back to being to being lovers first and parenting and other stuff can be left alone now and then. It was great fun with the little kids with him. It's great fun with big kids and, guess what? he's back as my main focus.
We've been married 25 years and it's better all the time.
The baby makes sex less appealing for a reason--nature's birth control. Seriously. They are a SERIOUS amount of work and a libido drain for a lot of people. I don't think anyone gets this until they're faced with the little punkins. I suppose if you have help (a nanny, a grandmother, whatever) it might not be so demanding. But holy hell, I had no idea.
sex after kids, until the kids are pretty flipping old comes second to the whole kid thing. As my husband said about our third "that had to be immaculate conception"
But eventually they do stop coming into your room and bugging you. Eventually the mom does stop feeling claustrophobic about people wrapping their arms around her. (kids take a lot of physical affection and so that need for skin contact isn't so huge. In fact when my husband used to hug me it felt like more more damn demand.)
Eventually the heat comes back on. LISTEN, If you do believe in marriage, look at the thing as it's a big picture, long-term event. The 2-3 time a week thing has to be less important than the mental health of the mom if she's the center of the family (I suppose she isn't, always.). If you want the marriage to work, be a partner first. Take your consolation from being a good team member and if you have to use your hand on occasion, don't whine.
Thank god my husband understood all this and had the patience to wait for me when I was too flipping tired and taken to the limit. We were parents first for a while--years and years--and now we're back to being to being lovers first and parenting and other stuff can be left alone now and then. It was great fun with the little kids with him. It's great fun with big kids and, guess what? he's back as my main focus.
We've been married 25 years and it's better all the time.
I believe the onus of sexual satisfaction lies mainly with the individual,and his/her ability to transport their penchant for sexual gratification to whomever they are with, whether with different individuals or the same partner. I have been married 25 years. My wife and I, during this whole period have worked out ways that have made our sex great the majority of the time. Being open minded is usually always the key element.
Sex, in this way of thinking is a personal attitude.
It sounds like you were well aware that your partner had no sex drive before you married her. You said you married her anyway because you didn't want to "look like a jerk."
You chose your public appearance over ever having sex again. Sounds like you really should not have married her!
So....your wife, knowing regular sex was important to you,
1) stopped having sex with you AFTER you got engaged,
2) won't see a counselor, and
3) won't let you have sex with other people.
If you read Dan's column, you know EXACTLY what he would say here.
Unless you suddenly gained 100lbs, stopped showering, or did anything else that now makes you physically repulsive, your wife is being a selfish asshole.
Your options are
First, though, you should tell her that these are your options and see if it doesn't help get her to work on fixing this.
It sucks that a kid is involved, but that doesn't really change what you need to do. God knows I wish my parents had divorced instead of staying together "for the sake of the kids" while suffering through a miserable marriage.
Good luck. Sadly, I seriously doubt your wife will find her sex drive again - it took her so little time to lose it that I doubt it existed in the first place. And really, did you not know that dating someone for a couple of years before doing the whole marriage & kid thing is pretty widely considered a good idea?
Maybe drama. Maybe not.
If it were me, I'd ask the ladies for tea and talk. You'll learn a lot by observing how comfortable they are together.
If that feels good, I'd suggest tea and talk for the 4 of you, so you can be clear about everyone's needs and each of you is speaking for yourself. Sounds like radioman understands communication is the key.
It's quite possible that you'll have good chemistry with one of the women and not the other. Personally, I find trios more fun than quartets.
Delightful to see more and more people interested in exploring honest loving alternatives to serial monogamy.
BTW, not really feeling "cheated out" of a "royal rube" wedding. I'm betting (and hoping) we get to see more of Levi in future.
Babies do knock sex back badly. My wife and I are just into our forties and have produced three kids in 2 and 3/4 years. We probably sank down to full sex 4 times a years, but still loads of sensual erotic cuddles
Communicate with her (not just talk) on a pseudo girl-girl level. Does she sex as part of a healthy and vibrant marriage? She may well credit you loads with the effort you are prepared to invest. You might need to depressure the situation and take full sex off the agenda for a while in case she has already become overly defensive and resentful. Also try releasing the pressures on your wife by doing the night shift and a lion-share of household chores.
Your wife could have hormonal issues that need medical attention. there could also be emotional inhibitions.
Think back and make sure that you haven't got trapped in the role of intitiator of sex and she as the gate keeper. It has got to be 50:50
Some say that you have occassionaly to get sex going again even if one of you isn't 100% into it at the start and build it up from there, especially if you see to it that she orgasms first.
In case your wife is just someone who'd have a low sex driver under any circumstances, I think your wife would have preferred you not continuing through with the engagement and marriage if you knew you'd want more sex than what you were getting, as opposed to continuing through with it and then resenting her for it. I know that's how a lot of women would feel, at least.
But you guys have a baby that's less than 2 years old? Yeah, while it varies from family to family, not having much sex with very young time and energy-demanding children around would be totally normal. That's when most marriages suffer the most stress.
You don't need someone's help for peeing or burping. He can always masturbate to fulfill a physical "need". Partnered sex is not a need in the same way peeing is...
I think that's a brilliant list.
You left out "she's tired" though... related to "she's unhappy in general" just slightly different...
Women with new babies are frequently tired. They're a lot of work.
If it weren't for the fact that we were together for 6 months before we indulged (total of 2 times since dating for 9 months) I likely would've hesitated before trusting someone enough w/ this fantasy.
Also, masks and costumes work wonders. Through on a ski mask and "break in" while the "victim" could be dressed and made up like another character herself. Really, it's just another type of scene.
Mas Bien
As for shouldawaited, tough love man. Just fuck around on your wife. She's being unfair and selfish, so you can too!
I have a spouse who's sexually compatible with me. For us thats every 4-6 weeks. Not a lot, definitely not high on our list, but its enough for both of us. we've been at it happily for 15 years and have talked about it extensively.
You are assuming that people with low sexual appetites always marry really horny people. WTF? Sometimes 2 people who arent that interested in sex marry. In fact, Im guessing it happens more than your narrow definition allows.
She lost most of her sex drive around five years ago.
So, we meet our intimacy needs in a variety of creative ways.
Importantly, we decide together the parameters of getting those individual needs met.
The result is that I'm still very happy with my marriage and my sex life. I have a wonderful woman who loves me, wants me to be happy, and inspires me to do all I can to reciprocate her generosity of spirit.
p.s. to those who think shouldawaited is an ass: for some, sex is a physical action done for comfort. like peeing. or burping. not everyone thinks sex=love.... i thought that went out with 8th grade.
Maybe she's feeling resentful? I'm feeling resentful just reading your explanation of how it all happened and I don't even know you. You frame it almost as if you got trapped into the marriage- like she stopped having sex with you after she got the ring that she wanted from you. Her version of the story is probably very different. Maybe the sex drying up around the proposal was a coincidence. The real reason could be something very different, like maybe the responsibility of the new baby, hormones, depression, etc.
Also, have you tried doing romantic things for her? Maybe some flowers, a nice massage, cuddling and talking about her feelings would put her in the mood. Make dinner for her, draw a bath, play soft music and get her warmed up first. Flirt with her. Tell her how nice she looks. If she gained weight with the pregnancy, she might not feel all that sexy right now. Foreplay can be more than just touching- it's also about romantic gestures. Maybe you need to reconnect with her.
Good luck!
One, I am a woman and I want you to know that I do not presume you to be fat, drunk, inconsiderate etc. I presume your wife to be the latter.
Now the advise: Wifey should get her hormone levels checked. Its an easy problem to fix but most doctors never think of it. Even females have a bit of testosterone and when the level is too too low, the sex drive can plummet. Also, she could be depressed. I think someone else mentioned that. If, after all the doctors and prozac and hormones, she still won't fuck you, you need to tell her that you love her, but you need sex. If not with her, than with someone else. Tell her you will be safe, you won't get another "relationship", just another vagina and that you want to stay with her and your child. But that you need sex to do so.
One, I am a woman and I want you to know that I do not presume you to be fat, drunk, inconsiderate etc. I presume your wife to be the latter.
Now the advise: Wifey should get her hormone levels checked. Its an easy problem to fix but most doctors never think of it. Even females have a bit of testosterone and when the level is too too low, the sex drive can plummet. Also, she could be depressed. I think someone else mentioned that. If, after all the doctors and prozac and hormones, she still won't fuck you, you need to tell her that you love her, but you need sex. If not with her, than with someone else. Tell her you will be safe, you won't get another "relationship", just another vagina and that you want to stay with her and your child. But that you need sex to do so.
For Shouldawaited; I'm sorry your beautiful sexy wife doesn't want you. Maybe she just wanted a kid and a husband (by title)...sounds like you are leftovers...sorry to be harsh but it is what some women do. You are probably a dream find which is why she hooked her claws into you in the first place.
This says that varies by state:
This is very long:
But if she doesn't agree to record her consent, that's probably a red flag, especially after she hears about Jovanovic.
BTW, Woman with a sex drive hit the nail right on the head re: relationships. Communication is key. Ask the hard questions so they don't become messy points of contention later on.
Is your wife still nursing? I only ask because pregnancy and nursing took a horrible toll on my sex drive, and things didn't return to normal until I weaned my daughter. With weight gain, stretch marks, loose breasts, sleep deprivation, screaming babies and crazy hormonal changes, it's no surprise that some of us ladies don't feel very sexy for a while! The good news is that, given time, a healthy diet, and regular workouts, things can return to normal.
I have no idea if such a thing pertains to your wife, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
Love the work you do!
That said, Dan's mention of the Oliver Jovanovic case is really enlightening. It seems the key thing about the case was the improper application of the Rape Shield Law. This is a classic case of good intentions being misused; where the RSL is meant to ensure a woman's sexual history cannot be used to attack her character, in Oliver's case it was used to deny the email conversations that would ultimately exonerate him. Unfortunately for Oliver, he was an early sacrificial lamb of the Cyber age. Today, emails, text messages, and chat logs are routinely used as evidence in legal cases, so Dan's advice to get as much in writing is spot-on.
1. She needs a thorough physical...both an ObyGYN and a GP. It may or may not be gynecological. If she's resistant, then suggest you both get worked up just to be sure you are both 100% healthy. Gently suggest she's changed in terms of interest and drive and you want to make sure it's not physically-driven.
2. Tell her in no uncertain terms you both need to see a couple's therapist. Tell her you aren't happy with the sex and if it doesn't improve, you are going to be strongly tempted to cheat. Tell her that her refusing to work on it will be taken as a lack of concern with your temptation to cheat. Note: don't say "I will cheat" but that you will be "strongly tempted". There's a subtle, but important difference.
3. Ask what is important to her in your relationship. What is it you do she values most? Ask her how she'd feel if you suddenly stopped doing it. Then tell her sex is important to you and if she doesn't do it, it's a deal breaker and it's either she gives you permission to get some on the side or you know you'll eventually get divorced.
4. Ask her what you can do to help put her in the mood. Not being interested in sex with your husband = normal. Not being interested in sex with anyone = not normal.
5. Sit down and discuss a "marital compact". What is and what isn't of critical importance to both of you? What is it you expect from marriage? What is a deal breaker? I'd imagine you did not do this before marriage. It's time to do it now. But since you have a kid already, you need a neutral third party [therapist] to help you.
6. You don't know 100% if she really enjoyed sex before you got engaged. You only know she told you she enjoyed sex. As a woman who loves sex, I can tell you so many female friends have told me they just don't enjoy it. A big part of that is Anglo-American sexual culture. Women are either madonnas or whores. Even today. Even in the eyes of men who claim to be liberal and progressive. So you just don't know what's going on in her head with respect to sex. You can't count on her telling you. Women just don't admit it.
To everyone else...this is why you have to have a compact before you get married on:
1. Sexual activity= what kind, how often
2. What constitutes fidelity in your relationship
3. Kids
4. Money
5. Religion/Politics/Weltanschauung
6. Anything else that's of central importance to who you are and what makes you happy
If you can't have an open discussion and agreement with your fiancee on these topics, they are the wrong person to marry.
Note to Dan: try speaking to an actual lawyer in the area just like you'd speak to an actual doctor if you thought there was a chance- even a remote one- of physical harm.
There are two basic ways of defining rape: (1) force/threat of force and (2) consent. In a state where the definition is force-based, even consent won't negate the crime. In states where the definition is consent-based the amount of force used is irrelevant. This lead to some f-d up results for both real victims and accused men.
[This is why we need to revise rape law and make it like murder...as in we have degrees of murder and a difference between murder and manslaughter.]
So, TRONTR- call a lawyer who defends rapists and find out what you need to do. Seriously. It's worth a few hundred dollars to not end up in prison. And if that lawyer says "don't do it", you need to trust them. The degree to which rape is prosecuted varies greatly from place to place. Some DAs only prosecute if there is dead-bang evidence. Some prosecute if there is any evidence at all. Do you really want to put yourself in that position?
And if you do go ahead with this and it works out...do not go out of state with this woman and reenact her fantasy. Hell, don't even leave the jurisdiction you are in.
It's just not worth it.
Dude, I'm sorry. You two need to get to an endocrinologist. If she's happy with the status quo, well, that's not fair to you. Get to a doctor and/or work something out.
Did your wife's interest in sex stop when she got pregnant? That's what happened to me. I'm a woman who's always had a fairly high sex drive, but when I got pregnant, my libido suddenly disappeared. I'm not sure if it was hormones or if it was the severe 24/7 nausea and vomiting, but my husband and I had sex about twice in the first four months of my pregnancy. Normally we have sex AT LEAST twice a week (usually more).
I'm in my fifth month now and my libido is slowly returning, but although my nausea is waning, it's still around and I'm still often too nauseous to have sex, especially at night. I'm confident I'll get back to normal soon, since I'm already halfway there, but in the meantime my husband has had to be patient.
Perhaps if the drought has lasted longer with your wife, it's because her body is wired differently -- I know some women are sick for all nine months, or have their libidos disappear for longer. If it's really been a long time, she should get it checked out medically, but if you "fell in love, got married and had a baby in about 2 years" I would assume your baby is still very small and not sleeping through the night, making your wife exhausted and grumpy. Perhaps your wife is even still recovering from the effects of the birth. If those things are the case, your sex life should recover as she does and your baby becomes a little easier.
I would guess it's because those people are confusing "sex" with "love." Sex and love are two completely different things. Sometimes they go together, but not always. People need to understand that.
For what its worth, some versions of the Pill also destroy some women's libido (I stress the "some" because it had the opposite effect on me...) as well. Could that have also been a factor prior to the baby making his/her appearance?
Without knowing your wife, it's impossible to say what would be the best thing to do. You could, of course, do some infidelity on the fly, but it sounds like that's really not what you're interested in: you want to fuck the woman you fell in love with and married.
I've actually given this sort of problem a lot of thought and written an article about common causes of a lack of sex in het LTRs. See if something there might help:
It's possible she's suffering from depression. Yes, the sex life was slowing down before hand, but that's also pretty typical of long term relationships. Bringing the sex life to a screeching halt, however, suggests a deeper problem.
Instead of framing the problem as HER, or as SEX, maybe suggest instead that you're concerned about how well she's juggling whatever it is she happens to be juggling, and maybe it wouldn't hurt anything to get screened for postpartum depression. By highlighting the situation less as a "problem" (and more importantly, less of a problem about HER) you're instead showing concern and empathy, something that will soften the hardest of hearts.
Unless she doesn't care at all what you think. Then... well, good luck buddy.
My wife does not want to have sex, and does not want to let me have sex with others.
Perhaps in 5 years I'll be so frustrated I'll want to have sex with someone else, but for now I just want to have sex with my great, sexy wife.
I know what the women will say, he's fat, drunk, asshole, won't do oral, etc. Well I'm not. I can be the normal jerk at times. But for the most part I'm the average husband who would do anything.
And yes, the baby thing kills a sex life, but the sex life was dying long before baby came along. I can wait till baby reasons are gone.
oh, and Dan, You're a real hero in my mind for using your sex column to nudge the apathetic masses into some action.
Also, there has been a recent ruling of using digital recordings in rape cases, I'm pretty positive, and they don't consider that evidence anymore.
Now I need some sex advice, other than go to a sex counselor, which she has resisted.
She knew I liked sex 2-3 times a week before we got engaged. I feel cheated and I've told her this. My advice to anyone who expects sex after marriage: have a very long engagement and don't let the other do the birth control.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Good Questions: Highlighting Ceiling Medallion?
Hello all, I want to highlight the ceiling medallion in my dining room but I cannot decide exactly how to best do so...
I can't seem to find the proper 'inspiration' and was hoping that you all could offer some suggestions and how I would go about achieving this. I was thinking of using gold/bronze/silver, perhaps in metallics and do a faux finished or antiqued look. The center of the medallion is textured with plaster by the original builder and the surround is smooth. I do not want to paint the entire ceiling as it has a faint textured surface that I do not want to cover. The upper living floor of our house is painted in 3 shades, in the brown/green color range (it changes colors with different lighting) of SW Martha Stewart Collection. Furnishings and accents are in the gold range. Any ideas (and maybe some pictures that would show the end product & the process used to achieve it)? Thanks for your advice and I will take all comments into consideration.
I can understand how this is a tricky challenge — who has suggestions/inspiration/ideas?
17 Comments
You could paint the outer plaster ring your trim color, and carry the blue of the fixture into the inside field, OR do a faux finish to mirror (no pun intended) the frame of that beautiful mirror. Another choice would be a faux treatment to make the outer ring look like the wood of your furniture...Please post after pics when you decide!
If you're not going to paint the ceiling surrounding the medallion, which is what I'd do, I'd paint the medallion (trim included) the same color as the ceiling, but high gloss. Then I'd get a different light fixture - something with a more substantial tie-in to the ceiling rather than that gold-toned chain. I'd get something bold and modern. The fixture would draw attention to the medallion.
Painting the Trim of the Medallion the same color as your crown molding would bring just the right amount of attention to the Medallion without being overpowering, and it would add a nice sophisticated feel to the detail work in your dining room. I like the light fixture, but a nicer hanging instead of the gold chain would dress it up a bit.
I agree with Fire Wife Katie - a new light would be a huge improvement and really draw the eyes upward to the medallian. And a bold, modern fixture would contrast very nicely with the large, traditional mirror and medallion.
I'm picturing something like this: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20131887
The Ikea light mirrors the circles of the mirror and medallion, as well as the straight lines of the furniture and crown molding.
Honestly, I wouldn't touch your room. You have beautiful wooden elements and arts that stand out, and I don't feel like you need to highlight the medallion. It's already done by the circular mirror that echoes the shape.
With the dark wood, the gold and the mural color being already very present, I think that the texture in the medallion is enough.
If you really want to do something: same color as the ceiling, other gloss.
A light fixture like this
would really draw your eye up to the medallion.
The reason your medallion doesn't stand out is because there is a colourful stained glass lampshade with a gold chain hanging under it. :)
Ceiling medallions are traditionally not painted or highlighted (the decorativeness of the medallion itself is sufficient). In a sense, this is because they are there to present the chandelier. On my screen, it looks as if you already have a different colour on the perimeter of the medallion than that of the rest of the ceiling. I really wouldn't go beyond that.
In your case, I would instead focus on finding an appropriate historic chandelier. You haven't given us the age or style of your house, but going on what I can see, I might choose something like this:
or this:
Have you tried a color match from a full spectrum paint company? There are several, and as my living room is painted with full spectrum I understand why you don't want to give up its subtle qualities.
Definitely get a new fixture. I would not paint the medallion, but would get a new chandelier that has lights which cast upwards, as well as down. This would bring light up to the ceiling and medallion without overdoing it.
I think the pattern in the medallion is getting lost because it's the same color as the ceiling. I wouldn't recommend doing a metallic in the middle because than it's competing with the stained glass. Otherwise, I'd suggest a bronze (it matches your decor better than silver or gold) color for the entire, including the trim.
My suggestions would be to try what Fire Wife Katie said and do the entire medallion in a high gloss white. But not the same as the ceiling. During the day, the pattern would be highlighted and at night, the vibrant colors of your chandelier would create a dramatic effect in the dining room.
Since the medallion is flat, you may want to hand paint the pattern a few shades deeper and have it match the trim (if you still have the trim paint). I'd say pick a white with a little more depth, probably with a warmer undertone.
Admittedly, I am a period snob and I think the antique chandeliers mschatelaine suggested would be appropriate. But I think you've done a great job, since the colors in your dining room beautifully accentuate the colors of your chandelier. It's a little more formal than I think AT readers are used to but I think it's done very well. My parents have a pink stained glass chandelier and at night the lighting really adds a lot of character to the room. So kudos to you for making it work!
There are a few options for dressing up your ceiling medalion.
As already noted, you can paint the whole medalion or just the moulding of your medalion the same color as your cornice mouldings or ceiling in a high-gloss paint.
You could have a glass shop fabricate an appropriately sized round beveled glass mirror which would be installed centered within the outer moulding of your medalion.
As for the light fixture, you may wish to change the domed fixture to a chandelier. A fixture with one or more clusters of lights in its top will reflect light on the ceiling and medalion creating nice light effects. If a mirror is incorporated into the medalion, the light reflection effect will be reflected on the table as well as the ceiling.
The issue with the room isn't the medallion - it's that the hanging lamp doesn't relate at all to to the rest of the room.
Although you stated you don't want to, I'd still suggest painting the ceiling a pale blue - I'd choose the color of the lightest flower that is found in the upper glass of the hanging light to bring some cohesiveness to the space.
I'd leave the medallion white since the base mouldings and window/door casings are probably white/cream - if you were to highlight the ceiling medallion in gilding or paint, it would be appear glitzy and stick out like a sore thumb unless you treated all the trim the exact same way - and would still not address the fact that the lamp doesn't fit in with your other color choices in the room.
I think it is great that you want to keep the light fixture. I wish I had something sentimental like that in my home. So people should stop suggesting that you replace it and give you a way to work it into your decor.
I think that you should paint the center of the medallion pale blue. Painting the entire ceiling would be overpowering and you would lose that texture. Paint the medallion trim the same bronzey color as the mirror and find a heavier hanging chain to match. Then I would maybe replace the cherubim with a simpler piece since the mirror and the light are already so bold.
The good thing about a project like this is that paint is cheap enough that you can play around with the colors if you don't get it exactly right the first time. Good luck!
Me, I'd paint the medallion (frame and center) in a gold/bronze metallic paint. (I think there is a Ralph Lauren line at Home Depot, sold in quart jars -- I used a green version as an accent wall...) Choose or mix a combination that comes close to the other gold accents in the room, most especially whatever you use for the lamp chain. You could use gold leaf, but I think the paint luster would be more subtle and appropriate to the decor. Making the medallion darker would also give the whole installation more visual weight and kind of pull it together, I think.
So... you want change, but you're not willing to change? CLassic NYer. :)
1) Get rid of the cherubim
2) Lovely as it is, switch out the mirror for something smaller and with a narrower frame. Consider something that is not round. WHy? The current mirror overwhelms the more delicate medallion. (espec. in concert w/ the fixture-that-must-remain) And the round medallion is more easily lost with a round mirror and fixture.
This is even easier to try than painting. Just take it off the wall and live with it off for a week. Then put something smaller up there for a few days.
3) COnsider painting just the depth edge of the ceiling (the 1" or so step) and the edge of the inner circle of the mediallion the same color. Either another shade of cream/tan, or an amber, or go with a contrasting color. Even a metallic/soft sheen. Even htough its a small amount of real estate, your eye will catch the fact that the medallion border is repeated on the edge of the ceiling.
There are various ways to highlight that medallion, but you need to not let it overpower the fairly delicate lines of the fixture.
I'd say that a metallic finish on the medallion could highlight it, because of the way light plays off metallic finishes, but I wouldn't just use just anything; I would use a champagne colored metallic from a company called Modern Masters. I buy mine at Janovic/Benjamin Moore stores, but if there's no place near you that sells that brand, there's probably an equivalent in another brand, but basically it's the love child of gold and silver.
Anyway... that company (and most others, as well) also makes a white opalescent color, which could be a good transition color for the moulding that outlines the medallion. Because truly that moulding is too thick and heavy for a strong contrasting color, but it does need a bit of punctuation.
If that ends up not being quite enough, you MAY need for the inner lip of the moulding to be a slightly darker gold color to set off the champagne-colored medallion from the opalescent white wider bit of the moulding.
And I think you should KEEP the mirror and the cherubs.
I hope this helps.
"the lamp has been in the family for 5 generations now ..."
25 years (the length of a generation) x 5 = 125 years old
Considering that Louis Comfort Tiffany only got the idea to make stained glass lamps about 100 years ago, and the early designs were quite a bit different than this, that pendant cannot be 125 years old...
...just sayin'


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Mizzou will hit the road again this weekend as it heads to Auburn for a three-game series with a Tiger team that has won nine of its last 11 while sitting atop the SEC standings at 4-2 in league play. Auburn, under first-year head coach Sunny Golloway, enters the weekend at 17-8 overall while Mizzou checks in at 11-12 after being swept at No. 14 Ole Miss. The series will open Thursday on ESPNU at 6:30 p.m. and the two will play another night game Friday at 6 p.m. The series will close at Noon Sunday on Fox Sports.
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AIDS Care Program
Research Interests
HIV; AIDS; Central nervous system inflammation; Viral compartmentalization; Acute infection; HIV reservoirs; Magnetic resonance spectrocsopy; Diffusion tensor imaging; Neural markers; Cerebrospinal fluid biomarkers more...
- B.A., Stanford University, 1991
- M.A., Stanford University, 1992
- M.D., University of California at San Francisco, 1997
Selected Publications
- Cerebrospinal fluid and neuroimaging biomarker abnormalities suggest early neurological injury in a subset of individuals during primary HIV infection. Peluso MJ, Meyerhoff DJ, Price RW, Peterson J, Lee E, Young AC, Walter R, Fuchs D, Brew BJ, Cinque P, Robertson K, Hagberg L, Zetterberg H, Gisslén M, Spudich S. J Infect Dis. 2013 Jun 1;207(11):1703-12.
- Cerebrospinal fluid HIV escape associated with progressive neurologic dysfunction in patients on antiretroviral therapy with well controlled plasma viral load. Peluso MJ, Ferretti F, Peterson J, Lee E, Fuchs D, Boschini A, Gisslén M, Angoff N, Price RW, Cinque P, Spudich S. AIDS. 2012 Sep 10;26(14):1765-74.
- Central nervous system viral invasion and inflammation during acute HIV infection. Valcour V, Chalermchai T, Sailasuta N, Marovich M, Lerdlum S, Suttichom D, Suwanwela NC, Jagodzinski L, Michael N, Spudich S, van Griensven F, de Souza M, Kim J, Ananworanich J; RV254/SEARCH 010 Study Group. J Infect Dis. 2012 Jul 15;206(2):275-82.


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Transplantation of cardiomyocytes after an infarction can reduce the incidence of cardiac arrhythmia. Furthermore, the functional integration of the transplanted cells can be confirmed using macroscopic fluorescence imaging of a genetically encoded Ca2+ sensitive protein in vivo. This application article examines the Olympus MVX10 macroscope, in combination with the Ca2+ sensitive protein GCaMP2, for investigating functional coupling of transplanted cells in vivo. By Dr P. Sasse, Departments for Cardiac Surgery and Cardiology, University of Bonn.
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