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tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252039483571282772018-07-20T04:55:58.384-07:00Written in RedAllie email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-49548877519219380492018-07-20T04:40:00.000-07:002018-07-20T04:40:09.446-07:00One YearIt's been one year today since my childhood idol Chester Bennington took his life. When I first heard about it a year ago, my heart was shattered. If he couldn't overcome his obstacles, how could I overcome mine? There were 30% more calls to the suicide hotline than normally that day. I guess I wasn't the only one who thought if he couldn't overcome his obstacles, I probably couldn't either. In his last album he recorded with Linkin Park, I wish he had listened to the lyrics to his song "One More Light." If he had realized that there are people who loved him (and I don't mean just his fans, but his friends and family too), would he have stayed? See, depression is tricky - it lies to us. It tells us we're completely alone. It tells us no one loves us. It tells us no one understands us. It tells us that we're failures no matter what we do.

Do I feel suicidal still? Sometimes. But I've chosen not to give into it and go through with it since the car accident. I do understand feeling depressed. I understand how living with mental illnesses can be a living hell. I understand feeling desperate to escape, and feeling like the only way out is through death. But it won't accomplish anything good. Suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it transfers it.

I think we need to change how we report suicide though. The media is very good with giving details on how a person died. Whenever they've reported on a suicide, they don't just say "died by suicide." They give the details on how that person killed themselves. This can be a trigger for people who struggle with suicidal ideations. Instead of giving the details, just report that the person has passed. If you must report that it was a suicide, just leave it at that, they died by suicide. Don't give the details on how the person killed themselves.

If you are feeling suicidal, please, talk to someone about it. Your life is precious, even if your depression tells you differently.

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-47609889485929154582018-07-15T14:07:00.000-07:002018-07-15T14:07:05.973-07:00Update 07/15/2018Hey y'all, I have some updates (I haven't written in a couple months/since the car accident).

My husband has a new car thanks to my parents. My dad gave my husband his car (thanks mom and dad!) and we love it! It's got duel temperature change in it, which my husband is very pleased to have. I tend to freeze my husband in the car so now I can live in the arctic and he can live in the desert in the car, lol 😂

We are still working on my medications. I developed a new unpleasant side effect with my medications - restless legs syndrome. I'm pacing back and forth nearly all day, every day. It got to the point where I couldn't really sleep at night because no matter how exhausted I am, my legs feel like they have to keep moving. It's gotten a little better now though. I'm still pretty restless during the day, but my legs are starting to calm down at night (thank God!).

I don't know how well this is going to go to share this, but I'm going to share anyway.....

For a while now (the past few months especially), I've had an emptiness feeling. We've gone to a good church for the past few years. There's nothing wrong with our church really. The people are also very kind and welcoming. Unfortunately, there's a couple of things. I've been feeling like I'm missing something in my faith. I haven't completely figured out what exactly it is I'm missing, but I'm on a journey to figuring out what it is I'm missing. There's nothing wrong with the preaching, don't get me wrong. But I don't feel like I'm really being "fed" anymore. I'm not really learning anything anymore. On top of that, I can't really serve at the moment. Mentally-wise, I'm too "sick" still to do much serving. I hate to say also, some of my passion I used to have for God has gone away (maybe that's what I'm missing?). I'm working on getting that passion back though. In my journey of finding what it is I'm lacking in my faith, I've been exploring Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy. My husband is researching as well, though we're different in this. There's a strong possibility I could convert to Eastern Orthodoxy, while with my husband it isn't as likely he'll convert. We've started going to a Greek Orthodox Church every other week for liturgy on Sundays, and we try to make it for their Wednesday night services too. In September, we'll be attending catechism classes. It's definitely a different experience than what I'm used to going to, but it's different in a good way I think. The first time I went to their liturgy service, I was nearly moved to tears. It was absolutely beautiful. I don't know what it is, but I feel like whatever it is I'm missing in my faith, I'm going to find it here. While emotionally I'm still experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, it's been helping me somehow. I feel calmer, and when I start struggling, I try to recite the Jesus Prayer ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner") over and over and usually, it actually helps! I know it may upset some people that I might not be Protestant anymore, but I'm still a Christian. I'm still following Christ! I just might be differently than some of you. I have a couple icons and a prayer bracelet. For my birthday(which is coming up in a month), I'm hoping to get the Orthodox Study Bible, as well as my favorite Jesus icon (Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd icon). I think the Study Bible might help me learn more about Orthodoxy too. I've been doing some reading, talking to some people about it, and watching videos about it as well. I listen to a lot of the chants on YouTube throughout the day too. It helps me focus more on God and calms me. I actually find myself looking forward to going to church now, which hasn't been for a while. I have nothing against the church we went to before. On the contrary, I loved that church. They were really good to my husband and me. If someone asked me to recommend a church to go to, it would be one of the ones I'd recommend. I guess I'm just changing. But change can be good sometimes too 😌

That's all I've got for now. Peace be with you!

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-38285759099834258502018-05-25T03:01:00.001-07:002018-05-25T03:01:26.676-07:00New Perspective on LifeIt's been an interesting week. My medications still aren't working and my suicidalness has been getting worse. Over the weekend, I wanted to jump out of the car and off a bridge or into a semi. I even thought about drowning myself in the bathtub or in the swimming pool. Monday, I ended up cutting myself after almost nine months being sober from it. It's a bit of a bummer I won't be able to get that nine month chip next week, but as they say I've gotta just "keep coming back" to Celebrate Recovery.

Yesterday, I saw a therapist which helped some. Afterwards, my husband and I were heading to Wal Mart. We had to make a left turn and our light was a caution one (excuse my poor grammar, it's 5 am and I've hardly had any sleep). He thought the driver in the other lane was letting us go, so he proceeded to make the left turn. He didn't see the truck in the lane next to it though. I saw the truck as we were turning though. It all happened in slow motion from my perspective, until we were hit. We were t-boned and the impact was on my side of the vehicle. There was broken glass everywhere, including all over me. My knee had actually made an indent in the glove compartment. I felt like I had blood on my knees. The airbags went off and as the car settled, I couldn't breathe and I was sorta out of it. I thought maybe I had been stabbed in the chest by glass because I was in so much pain and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't really move either. I thought I was going to die. When the impact happened, I was at peace. Afterwards though, I was sorta scared about dying. I was worried about my husband. I was afraid if I died, he would never forgive himself. I wanted to go to sleep but I kept telling myself in my head, "Don't go to sleep." I didn't know how bad my injuries were. I was worried about my husband's back though; he has scoliosis and has a steel rod in his back. He managed to be able to get out of the car and walk around a bit. My door was jammed though. The fire department had to cut my door off the car to get me out. Our car key broke too, so we couldn't turn the car off. I had to have help getting out of the car. It hurt just to breathe. The EMT helped me walk to the ambulance and my husband was there waiting for me. As I got out of the car, I saw I wasn't bleeding. I had some cuts, but no blood. They put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. My husband was laying on the bench next to me. I think they were concerned about his back too because they had to strap him down to make sure he didn't move on the ride to the hospital. I saw how bad our car looked (it was a Honda Civic) and I knew, we were lucky our injuries weren't as bad as they could've been. I also knew that if I hadn't had my seatbelt on, I most likely would've died because I would've been catapulted out of the car. Glass was all over in the car and outside. It was in my hair, on my clothes, even in my shoes and socks! I usually wear sandals (it's nearly summer atm), but I chose to wear sneakers. If I had worn sandals, my feet would've been a lot worse off. While they were cutting the door off on my side of the car, I actually found myself thanking God that I hadn't died, weird since I've been so suicidal right? There had been smoke coming out of our car, and I was afraid the car was going to explode or something. I've never been in a big accident before, so I wasn't really sure what to expect.

As we were heading to the hospital in the ambulance, I called both my husband and my parents and let them know what happened. I told my mom which hospital we were heading to. My husband kept talking and talking and I was trying to process everything (and I was still a bit out of it). I wanted to tell him to just shut up for a minute, lol. I knew it was how he was trying to process things though, so I let him talk.

We get to the hospital and they tell us that we have to be in separate rooms. I knew my husband wasn't happy about that, especially since he was so worried about me. They get me in the bed and as they were helping me dress in the hospital gown, they asked if I had the welts on my right side before - I hadn't had them before. My breathing, though it still hurt, was beginning to get a little better. I was glad they didn't have to give me an IV (I hate those things). They did some x-rays. They checked my right foot, my right knee, and my chest. Everything came back as normal - no broken bones, though I did have soft-tissue injuries. There was glass still in my hair, the dr found some in my back, and in my knee. They weren't big pieces though, just small shards. My husband kept having nurses come check on me. They said I was going to have some pretty bad bruising, but other than that, I was well enough to be discharged. I couldn't really walk still though, so they put me in a wheelchair. They rolled me off into my husband's room. He had been okay too, though they kept him a little longer than me because they were worried about his ribs. I was relieved his back was okay. His knee was skinned up more than mine though - his knee actually did bleed. When I got in his room, he started crying. He was afraid of what could've happened to me. I kept trying to reassure him that I was still there though. He kept apologizing and I told him I wasn't upset with him. The dr said for the next few days we're going to feel like we have the flu (I think because of the achy-ness).

We were discharged, and I had to be wheeled off to my mom's car; my husband walked to it though (slowly). While we were in the car, my mom took us to Subway to get some sandwiches (I needed to take my psych meds as soon as possible and I need food in order to take them). It was difficult getting in and out of her car. I also noticed I had a little anxiety in the car, especially when we'd make left turns. It wasn't a panic or anything, but it was just a little bit of anxiety. We got home and our apartment is on the third floor. I was not thrilled to have to climb up the steps. We managed to be able to get up to our apartment though without needing any help. The first thing I did was see Shiro (our cat) and I was thankful he wasn't in the car. Then I went to get a quick shower to get all the glass out. There was still glass in my shoes and socks. My purse strap had ripped off too so I'm going to have to get a new one. The shower actually didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I had to have some help getting dressed though. Moving my knee and bending over hurts a lot. The left side of my chest is pretty much completely blue and purple. My breathing was much better too, though it still hurt to breathe. My stomach started to hurt too. I had really bad nausea after the accident, but the nausea was getting better. My mom came back after picking up our prescription (some pain meds), some ice packs, and a few groceries. She helped us put some laundry in the dryer too. My mom was a lot of help and we're grateful for that.

When we had gotten to the hospital, I had posted on Facebook that we had been t-boned and were in the hospital, but we were okay. I got a lot of comments and text messages that people were praying for us and they were checking if we were okay. It really touched me that people were worried about us. We were lucky our injuries weren't worse considering how bad off our car was. I'll tell you what though, my husband and I like Honda's now for sure!

It's been a rough night; been waking up just about every hour (both of us). We've been in a lot of pain and have a really hard time getting comfortable. I normally lay on my side because it's easier to sleep that way when you're as heavy as I am, but I've been having to lay on my back because both sides hurt. I bit my tongue in two places in the accident. I had lost some feeling in those places but I did get the feeling back for the most part - they hurt though lol. We're going to have to get a new car though; our car was totaled.

After the accident, I'm actually thankful I survived, and with very minor injuries. Sure it hurts to breathe and walk, and even just laying down, but it's better than what could've happened. We were blessed to not be worse off than we are. I actually haven't had any nightmares, though I think that's because I haven't really had any deep sleep either. I keep seeing that truck about to hit us though over and over again. It was as if it were in slow motion, but once we were hit everything happened so quickly. I was surprised our glasses hadn't broken either. I was also glad that the other two people in the truck were okay (though they were injured too. I don't know much beyond that though because they were taken to a different hospital). Legally, it was our fault, so we have a ticket and a court hearing sometime shortly after my birthday in a couple months.

I think I have a new perspective on life (or at least, at the moment I do). Life really is precious, and I've always believed that, but now, maybe mine is too. I easily could've died or at least been seriously injured, but I wasn't. I guess God really was looking out for us. My brain is a bit frazzled. I'm having a difficult time remembering things (though I remember the accident VERY well). Again, it could've been much worse.

Thank you everyone who were checking on us and praying for us. It's much appreciated.

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-91946070670880448832018-05-09T07:46:00.005-07:002018-05-09T07:46:52.743-07:00Heavy

Here's how I'm feeling....

* Trapped
* Stuck
* Empty
* Heavy Burdened
* Worthless
* Everything is Pointless
* A Burden for Everyone
* Giving Up
* Depressed
* Paranoid
* Tired
* Stressed
* Lonely
* Sick

I don't really know how I'm going to get past all this, or even if I'm going to get past them. I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to fight for my life, but I feel it's a losing fight. I just want it all to end - all the pain. I'm tired of feeling the list above. I just want some relief. Is it so much to ask for? I feel like God has turned away from me, though I know He hasn't. It's as if he doesn't hear my cries for help, or see the tears I cry. Every. Single. Day. My life is a wreck. I'm a prisoner in my head. It's a dark place to be, and if I'm left there alone for too long, I won't make it. Yet I can't seem to be able to get out of my head. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm going to have to wear a mask because no one can handle me anymore. I guess all I can do is keep fighting....no matter how weak I feel.

God have mercy on me....

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-77433809386503088282018-04-25T07:07:00.000-07:002018-04-25T07:07:32.510-07:00Hope for Morning

When you live with mental illness, it can often feel like there's no hope left. I know for me, I've been really feeling that way for nearly the past three months. My world seems to be crashing down. I feel like every little bit I hold onto, it slips out of my hands. Like I'm drowning, gasping for air, but more water is filling my lungs. I beg God to rescue me, yet at the same time I keep saying, "Your will be done." I try to remind myself no matter what, God wants what's best for me and isn't going to just reject me. He's not going to forget about me. No matter what pain I may be having to endure, He's going to be there with me. I'm nowhere near perfect with this though. When you have paranoia, it's difficult, to say the least, to remember that God has your best interest. Our best interest may not be what we think is best for us, but He knows what's best for us more than we do - He created us after all! Though, I'm starting to think, maybe it doesn't matter what's in my best interest. Maybe, what matters is what's in HIS best interest. By this I mean what if it doesn't matter so much what's best for me, what will help me, or what will protect me. What if what really matters is the glory we bring Him? What if what really matters is serving Him, rather than serving ourselves? I know, you may be thinking, "Isn't that what you say already? Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" It is. I often say I want to serve God. I try my best to serve God (I'm nowhere near perfect at it). I'm starting to wonder though, what if my words say I serve God, but my actions say otherwise? It's not easy for a mentally healthy person, it's DEFINITELY not easy for a mentally sick person. For so much of my life I've focused on protecting myself, yet where has that gotten me? Am I more protected now than I was before?

Last night, I got my eight month chip at Celebrate Recovery for not cutting. I've got to say, this was my hardest one to get. With everything that has been going on, I honestly started to think I didn't even care about getting the chip anymore. I just wanted some relief. I had a couple of really close calls. My husband had to stop me. God-willing though, I managed to be able to get it. So much hope has been lost in me. I'm trying so hard to fight this lifelong battle, but it often feels like a losing fight. I don't really feel like I'm living anymore, just existing. I know with my own strength, I will not win this fight. With the help from others, and especially with the help from God, I can do this. There is hope for the morning. Every day may seem like the same miserable day, but every morning is a new sunrise, and every sunrise promises a new chance - a new beginning.Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-78657204857352408582018-04-20T14:59:00.000-07:002018-04-20T14:59:23.009-07:00True FriendshipIt's been a difficult week - heck, it's been a difficult two months! I've been really feeling like I'm a burden for people, especially now that I know my meds aren't going to help some of my problems like I had hoped....

So I had been thinking that I would just shut everyone out. I wouldn't be a burden or a problem for anyone then. Everyone would just have to forget about me. I made a realization though today - or at least, for today I've realized it. There are people who do love me. My paranoia often says no one does, and that everyone will leave me; but there are people who won't leave me. My paranoia remembers there have been people in the past who said they loved me, and left me alone in the end when I needed them most; but there are people who really [might] not leave me. I do have friends who care about me, and very well could possibly remain with me for a long time, if not forever! So why would I shut them out?

After making this realization, it made me realize that through all these struggles, through all my stupid mental illnesses, maybe there is a blessing behind it. If I were "normal," which is something I have always wanted to be, it'd be more difficult to know who my real friends are. Whether you're mentally sick like me or are considered normal, there are always going to be people who hate you, who stab you in the back, who abandon you. While it's still difficult knowing who my real friends are, since I am mentally sick (and my paranoia tells me there are no real friends), at the same time it weeds out the "savior complex" people. The people who only want to be friends with me because they see me as a project. "I can fix her! I can save her!" When they realize they can't, they leave. While this hurts tremendously, it shows me they weren't real friends to begin with. They never truly loved me. There are those who did used to love me, but eventually they stopped. Now that I may never truly be better though, I'll be able to see who really are going to stick around. The ones who truly do love me will be with me through all this - despite how sick I am.

Now I'm not excusing myself from trying to improve myself. No, I'm still going to try my best to control my moods and emotions. I'm still going to try to not listen to my paranoia. But when I screw up, when I act like a jerk, my true friends will still be there. It doesn't mean they'll approve of my behavior, but they won't leave me.

Perhaps I'm expecting too much out of people. Then again, I don't really expect people to hang around me for a long time anymore. After being dropped so many times, it surprises me when they stay. I will do my best to be a good friend. I will do my best to learn how to have more self-control. I will do my best to remember even during my paranoia episodes that there are people who really do love me and won't leave me.

I love y'all! Thanks for staying by my side through all this!

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-58973911343006886062018-04-16T14:22:00.000-07:002018-04-16T14:22:26.904-07:00TornIf you've been following my blog from the past few entries, you know I've been having a really difficult time. If you haven't, I'll try to speed you up.

For the past two months, my psych meds have stopped working. On top of that, there have been some, circumstances, that have caused things to be worse for me. Things have been so bad that I had made plans on Good Friday to end my life. Obviously, I'm still here. With the help of a few people, I managed to not make an attempt. I decided for the sake of others, I would not try to end my life. I kept trying to believe that eventually, my meds will work and help A LOT. I never thought they would cure me, but I thought they'd make my life a lot easier, not just for me, but for people who have to deal with me.

Today I saw my psychiatrist. He increased the dosage to my antipsychotic and my sleeping medications, but other than that, he said there's nothing more he can do to help me. In other words, meds aren't going to save me. Medications are not going to help me control my moods, emotions, or paranoia. The only thing they'll help is my hallucinating. This has been very discouraging for me. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. No one should have to deal with this crap from me. No one should have to deal with me being super depressed one moment, then blowing up in a fit of rage the next moment. Everything is so extreme for me - it's exhausting. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I've thought about isolating even more than I already do - just blocking everyone out of my life so they don't have to deal with me anymore. I really feel like that's what's best for everyone - at this point at least anyway. If I can figure out how to get these things under control, then yea, I'll bring them back in. Blocking people out would not be easy for me though. There are two big fears I have: going crazy, and being completely alone. I already feel like I've gone crazy, and now I feel like I am going to have to be completely alone (well, nearly. Being that my husband lives with me, it's kinda hard to shut him out).

I don't want to shut people out, I really don't. There are a few I especially don't want to shut out. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it....
I don't want to be alone. I'm in turmoil over this. Either way, people will be hurt. They'll either get hurt being around me long enough, or they'll be hurt if I shut them out. I can't win either way. I'm such a people pleaser....

I haven't decided to do this yet. For one thing, I know isolating is a really bad thing to do. But is it bad if I'm doing it to protect others from me? I'm not doing it to protect myself this time - but to protect other people. I don't know though....

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up yet. I made a promise to a few people that I wouldn't kill myself, nor would I cut. If this is my cross I have to bear, then so be it. But it's a heavy one, and others don't have to carry it with me. I don't want to burden anyone, and I don't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily. Most people can't carry this burden with me, and end up leaving me. They tend to have a "savior complex" with me. They look at me and think, "I can fix her! I can save her!" But when they realize they can't, I drain them....and they leave me. I know there are some who want to carry this with me, but I don't want to drain them too. Right now, my goals are to get better, stronger, more self-control, and no longer being a problem for people. I don't know how I'll do that, but with God on my side, I'm certain it can happen. In the meantime though, I don't want anyone to suffer on my behalf. That is why I am considering to just being alone.....

We'll see what happens. Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-10615509960651157012018-04-09T14:41:00.000-07:002018-04-09T14:42:58.895-07:00Suffering and Healing

I'm desperate for relief. The pain torments me day and night. My chest hurts from my heart aching so much. I flood my pillow with my tears daily. Everything with me is so extreme and out of control - my moods, my emotions, my depression, and my paranoia. I weep every day in fear that I will lose everyone I care so deeply about - that I will be completely alone. Others who I have cared for, and I had thought cared about me, turned their backs on me. Who is to say those who care about me now won't do the same? I don't know how much more I can take of all of this. I'm beyond my breaking point, and I wonder if I'll ever recover. Even if I get the right medications and the right dosages, will I ever be restored? Or will I just be numb - an empty shell just getting by in life. Will there ever be life in my eyes? Will I always be surrounded by darkness, or will I ever be surrounded in light?

I will put my trust in you though, O LORD. On my own strength, I am doomed for failure. In my weakness though, you are strong. If this is my cross to bear, then so be it. With you, I will continue to fight this war; and with you, I know I will be victorious. The enemy may try to wear me down, but I will not give in to him. He is nothing but a small flea compared to your great and amazing power. Your grace will sustain me. My pain will only be for a moment, compared to the great joy I will have with you for eternity some day - but that day will not come by my own hands. I may cry tears of sorrow now, but some day I will cry tears of joy when I see you face to face. I may be surrounded by darkness now, but some day I will be bathed in your light. By your grace and mercy, I will make it through this.

No matter what pain or sorrow I have, I will not leave you - not again. I was a fool to have left you in the past; to think you did not want me anymore. But you showed me I was wrong, and you love me more than I could ever imagine. Therefore, no matter what I go through, I will give you glory through it all. I will praise your name no matter what I'm going through or how I'm feeling. May you be glorified in my suffering and in my healing. I thank you for the people in my life, whether they be here with me forever or for a short while. You have blessed me with much, even though I have so little to give. So much of me has been stolen away by those who have abused me - but you still love me for who I am, and you take what I have left to give. I give you all that is left of me. Take and use what you will. You use who the world considers foolish to bring you glory. May you also, use me to bring you glory. I'm completely broken now, but I know one day, I will be whole again. Until then, may my life be a living sacrifice to you. If my suffering can bring even one person into your kingdom, then it has all been worth it. To you be all the glory. Amen.Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-58799637198378602402018-04-04T02:52:00.002-07:002018-04-04T02:52:53.735-07:00Road to HealingHappy late Easter (I know I'm really late)! I made it through Easter weekend (which is a miracle in itself). I had decided that over the Easter weekend, I would not end my life, but I couldn't promise how long after that I could keep going. A couple nights ago, I had a couple dreams.

I tried to kill myself (both in the same way), the way I had planned to do it. I survived in them though, and with very little physical damage. But I had to live with the consequences of really hurting people. I woke up wondering if maybe God gave me these dreams to show me if I go through with it, this is what could happen. I don't want to hurt anyone - I just get really desperate and feel like it's the only way I'll get any relief.

A couple weeks ago I begged God to show me I'm worth more alive than dead, and this past week I think he's really been reaching out to me, showing me that I am worth more alive than dead. I don't know if these dreams came from him, but it's definitely something to consider. I mean, if they are from him, I probably should listen right? So yesterday, I made the decision that as long as I still have a little sanity left, I won't consider suicide anymore. If I completely lose my mind I can't promise what I may or may not do though.

I told my husband, my sponsor, a couple of friends, and my mom what my plan had been. I figured if I told them, it would keep me from actually doing them. I kinda regret telling them, but I know it was probably the right thing to do. I will not be revealing it here though so I don't give anyone any ideas or trigger anyone.

I still have a long ways in healing, and my meds still need a lot of work done, but I know this is what I have to do. Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate them and I hope you will continue to pray for my healing. Thank you again.

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-70946225844583382482018-03-29T07:09:00.000-07:002018-03-29T07:09:21.565-07:00Darkest PartTomorrow is Good Friday - the day we remember when Jesus died for us to save us. I have some confessions to make. I don't know how many people will read this, but, here it goes.

My medications have not been working for over a month. I don't know what happened, but they just stopped being effective all-together. I knew I was Bipolar, but I didn't know just how Bipolar I am. My emotions have been all over the place, even emotions I don't even know what they are! It's been quite exhausting. There have been some things over the past few weeks that have added onto that stress. To top it all off, I had hardly slept for a week. My mind has been a very dark place to be. My paranoia has been pretty bad (thinking people are conspiring against me, talking about me, working against me, going to leave me, etc).

For a very long time, I have tried to fight for my life. Recently, I realized I've been fighting this since I was a little kid. I have wanted to die for nearly all my life. Of course, the severity hasn't always been as bad, but it seems like the severity keeps getting worse. In my life, I have made three attempts (two drug overdoses and I tried to slit my wrists once). A couple weeks ago, I had finally reached my breaking point - I snapped. I couldn't do this anymore. I'm completely drained: physically, mentally, and emotionally. So last week, I had made a decision - I would end my life on Good Friday. All my other attempts were done out of rashness, but this time it was planned. Good Friday seemed like a good day to do it, that's when Jesus died right? Earlier this week (Monday), I made a goodbye video on my phone. I figured once I'm gone, my husband might look around on my phone and find it.

I had been praying for a while, begging God, to show me that I'm worth more alive than dead. That if he's really here with me, that he'd show me somehow that I'm not going through this alone. I had everything planned out: day, time, how I was going to do it, and even what my final conversation with a friend was going to be like. My plan quite frankly, was flawless. I did my research. I would either die or end up in a coma. I tried to harden my heart through all of this. I had/ve so much pain, and the added pain of thinking about how my death would effect others wasn't helping either. I'd try to numb myself without cutting (earlier this week I got my 7 month chip for not cutting). I just kept repeating to myself, "just push it down, numb it." I started not to care about things anymore. Things that I used to enjoy didn't matter anymore. Whatever life I once had, I didn't have in me anymore. I isolated a lot. I only went places because I had to. I didn't talk to very many people either (though I don't talk to very many people anyway). I pretty much only talked to my husband, family, and a friend. I didn't want to be around anyone - I didn't want anyone to have to deal with me. People who were around me were paying for it because of my uncontrollable emotions and paranoia. I tried to prepare my husband for the inevitable, but can someone really be prepared to lose a loved one from suicide? I asked my friend to take care of my husband when I'm gone. Any little bit of hope I had before was gone.

Then this week happened.

Monday evening we went to see the new Paul movie with my parents. While we were waiting for the movie to start, my mom was talking about Easter. She wanted us to all get together for dinner for Easter and was asking me where I'd want to go. I felt really guilty about it because I figured, "I'll be gone before then." I couldn't tell her I wouldn't be around for Easter. So I just said I had no preference. Then during the movie, there was a scene where Luke was about to be in "Nero's Circus." He was telling the other Christians who were going to be in it "The pain will only be for a moment." It made me think, "What if the pain I've been going through for so long, is really, only for a moment?" After the movie on the way home, I told my husband that I had made plans for very soon. I didn't tell him when or how, but that it was very soon and he needed to be prepared for it. I told him I had made a video as well. When we got home he was bawling his eyes out, screaming, and hitting things. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know how to comfort him. Every night we pray together and when he was praying, he literally prayed for two hours! Around 11:30 I told him, "I really need to get to sleep." Pretty much the entire night he was crying and in the morning. I had told my friend that I had made plans for very soon too.

Tuesday morning.

Nick called the crisis line and I talked to my friend. I told him the day I had planned, but not the time or how. He said he had suspected that day. I told him what my final conversation with him was going to be like, and he said, "And that's how you're going to repay my friendship?" I felt even guiltier. How do you repay someone's kindness and friendship, by telling them, "You've been a good friend, and I've really appreciated it. I have really enjoyed talking to you for the past couple weeks. Thank you for being such a good friend to me"? He even said he went to his church, got on his knees, and prayed for me! What kind of person does that? I can only remember getting on my knees three times - ever! But he got on his knees to pray for me. That really touched me. My husband's tears touched me as well.

Then suddenly my phone was blowing up. Hardly ever does anyone text me or call me, it's always me contacting people. But on the day when I'm not really wanting to talk to anyone, EVERYONE wants to talk to me!

I told my husband and my friend that they were really being a thorn in my side. I wanted to end my life and they were making it more difficult for me to do it. I did eventually tell my husband the day I had planned (as well as my mom), and they both had a feeling about it as well. I must be pretty predictable. Anyway, if Monday I was 95% sure I was going to go through with my plan on Good Friday (tomorrow), I was now at a 65%. I had an emergency meeting with my therapist that day (as well as Celebrate Recovery), and then the next day (yesterday) I had an emergency visit with my psychiatrist. Later today I see my other therapist. I told my sponsor yesterday too. I got my meds changed and I can tell you, last night I slept the entire night. This was the first time since I was a kid that I slept the entire night! I'm still around 65% though. I think once my emotions get under control, it will be easier to deal with the other stresses going on in my life.

I've pretty much abandoned my plan for tomorrow and I'm still trying to fight it. I don't know how long I can continue to fight it though. I wish I could have hope like usually in the end of this entry, but I'm not at the point where I really have much hope still. I do, however, think that my prayer was answered, as well as other people who have been praying for me. I ask that you would continue to pray for me, and that my meds will work too.

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-16226286004848959912018-03-19T14:57:00.003-07:002018-03-19T14:57:36.692-07:00FriendshipTwo are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

I had a very rough week, and today I found out a dear friend of mine has passed away. It's been really tough getting through each day. I've wanted to give up. I've come close to giving up. But there has been something that has been helping me get through each day - my friends, my spouse, and my family. The people who really care about me. I don't want to cause grief for anyone, especially my husband. I really don't want to get into details, but something happened last week and it just made me snap. I'm doing better now though. I spent nearly all week grieving, and then yesterday I realized, "I need to get up and get going. I can't just lay in bed crying all day, every day!" So I got up, got a shower (I hadn't in a few days), got dressed, ate some dinner, and went walking. Surprisingly, getting out helped a little.

A lot of people don't know what happened last week, but the people who do have been there for me, helping me through it. If you're reading this and wondering why I didn't tell you about it, please don't be hurt or offended. I really didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to worry anymore people than there already were. To those who have been there with me through all this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Friendship is very important to me. I take my friendships very seriously - perhaps too seriously at times....

You look at my Facebook page and I have A LOT of friends on there; but most of them really aren't "friends." Some are only there for games I play. Some are only there because of my husband or my dad's ministries. And still others are there because, I don't know why. I know them, but they have literally forgotten who I am.....

I have some friends on there, but we don't really talk. There are very few people who will actually talk to me. I tend to be stressful for people - and who could blame them for avoiding me? As much as it pains me, I don't blame them. I'm a Negative Nancy pretty much ALL the time. You can probably tell (if you've read enough of my blogs) that I can be pretty dark. But I ALWAYS try to add hope in my blogs - true hope that is found in Jesus Christ. Not very many people can understand the darkness that surrounds me everywhere I go. But there are those, who through the kindness of their hearts, and with a lot of patience, have taken up the torch that many people have just dropped and left. People can't handle me usually, and that can be a pretty heavy burden to carry on my own. But some do make the effort, and while I wonder how long they can handle me, I'm grateful for them even attempting. I try very hard to be a good friend, but I often realize I'm not a very good one. I drain people, and usually it's too late by the time I realize I've done this.

"But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." I've spent a lot of time falling with no one to help me up - some of that is my own fault though. I tend to push people away, especially right after my trust has been broken. DON'T DO THIS! Be careful of who you trust of course, but don't push everyone away. Trust me, it's a very lonely place to be.....

"If either of them falls down, one can help the other up." I have certainly seen this past week that even though it's been very dark for me (and part of that is my medications weren't working properly), there have been people who have bore the burdens with me and helped me get back up - even encouraging me just to get out of bed! I hope that I'll be a friend like that, where I can be more encouraging than discouraging.

Again, to those who have been there for me through all this, I thank you so very much. May I be as good of a friend to you as y'all have been to me 😊

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-62308904214836930272018-03-16T07:20:00.002-07:002018-03-16T07:20:19.045-07:00Buried Beneath

Creative writing by me

Darkness surrounds me
I'm covered with maggots feasting on my soul
My heart is shattered in a million pieces
I tried time and time again to put my heart back together
Every time though it shattered even more than before
I feel so alone
I feel so tired
I have no fight left in me
I have nothing left to give

Darkness surrounds me
I'm suffocating
There is no air here, just pure darkness
There is nothing but pain here
My soul is in torment
I wish I could harden my heart as stone; and as sharp as diamond
My heart is too tender, easily torn and broken

Darkness surrounds me
My pillow is covered in my tears
I'm drowning in my sorrows
There is nothing left for me
No pill can save me, no blade can numb me
No person can rescue me
The ground has swallowed me
I can't breathe, dirt is filling my lungs
Dirt is under my nails from trying to dig myself out
But I can't get out this time

It's time to accept my fate
I'm at the end of my rope
I'm out of oxygen
I'm out of strength
It's time to just shut my eyes and give up trying anymore
I'm done

NO! I can't give up!
I have to keep clawing at the dirt!
I have to get out!
I have to rip the maggots off!
I have to fight!

I'm trying to dig myself out, but more dirt is being piled on top of me
I'm tired, but I can't give up!
I keep clawing at the dirt

I'm exhausted
I tried to get out
I have no energy left

What's this?
A hand has reached down into the dirt and taken my hand!
I'm being pulled out!
I'm coughing the dirt out of my lungs
The maggots are falling off of me

The air feels nice
I can actually breathe now
My rescuer holds me
There's warmth in his embrace
He wipes my tears from my face
I was buried beneath the darkness, but now I'm breathing above in the light

He points to me the spot I had been buried; the place that was once full of darkness
I look, and there is a tiny plant growing
I ask him, "What is this plant?"
He answers, "The healing of your brokenness.
"Each time you overcome the darkness, it grows more."
I was confused, "But I didn't overcome the darkness, you came to my rescue!"
He smiles, "By depending on me, you overcome the darkness."

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-73745880209084854692018-03-15T19:30:00.002-07:002018-03-15T19:57:59.013-07:00From Mourning to JoyO LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? Turn and answer me, O LORD my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

Psalm 13:1-3

I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

Psalm 38:8

Hear my prayer, O LORD! Listen to my cries for help! Don't ignore my tears.

Psalm 39:12

I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.

Psalm 6:6

My spirit is crushed, and my life is nearly snuffed out. The grave is ready to receive me.

Job 17:1

"Let the day of my birth be erased, and the night I was conceived. Let that day be turned into darkness. Let it be lost even to God on high, and let no light shine on it. Let the darkness and utter gloom claim that day for its own. Let a black cloud overshadow it, and let the darkness terrify it. Let that night be blotted off the calendar, never again to be counted among the days of the year, never again to appear among the months. Let that night be childless. Let it have no joy. Let those who are experts at cursing - whose cursing could rouse Leviathan - curse that day. Let its morning stars remain dark. Let it hope for light, but in vain; may it never see the morning light. Curse that day for failing to shut my mother's womb, for letting me be born to see all this trouble. Why wasn't I born dead? Why didn't I die as I came from the womb? Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace. I would be asleep and rest.

Job 3:3-11; 13

He said, "I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken away. Praise the name of the LORD!"

Job 2:21

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me.

Psalm 13:5-6

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 30:11

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

Psalm 147:3

Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.

Psalm 50:15

"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Matthew 5:4

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."

Revelation 21:4

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-13410098519197436472018-03-12T09:02:00.001-07:002018-03-12T16:14:49.166-07:00My PoisonCreative writing by me

There's a poison in me that I can't get rid of.
I don't want to eat, but when I have to eat I feel like the poison is growing.
The poison is slowly killing me, starting with my brain.
My brain is so sick.....
It tells me things are there when there isn't.
It tells me everyone is disgusted when they see me.
It tells me everyone I love is going to leave me.
It tells me my greatest nightmares are real.
It tells me I'm all alone.
It tells me I'm worthless.
It tells me everyone would be better off if I were dead.
It encourages me to do things I don't want to do.
"Do it! Do it right now! No one will be able to stop you! End this once and for all! No one will care about what happens to you!"
"Go away!" I tell it.
The poison gets louder and louder.

I'm six feet below the ground.
I'm stuck in a coffin I can't get out of.
The poison has been making it's way through my body.
The food I once loved to eat is destroying me.
I'm pounding on the coffin.
"Get me out of here!"
No one can hear me though.
I'm stuck....suffocating with no air.
Soon I will decay, and maggots will eat me.
A tear falls from my face, knowing this is the end.
I close my eyes, accepting my fate, and utter under my breath "Jesus."

I hear something outside.
I feel my coffin being tugged violently.
I hear a banging on the top of the coffin.
My body is growing cold, I know there's no chance for me to make it out alive.
The oxygen is leaving me.
I hear a shout, "DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!"
Who was that?
The pounding gets louder and louder.
There is all of a sudden warmth coming in the coffin.
Where is this warmth coming from?
I'm starting to see the top of the coffin crack.
Am I actually going to be getting out of here alive?
The larger the cracks, the brighter the light is outside.
"YOU KEEP HANGING ON TO ME!" The voice yells.

A little glimmer of hope is arising in me.
The poison's voices are getting quieter - to the point I can barely hear them.
"Please help me!" I cry out.
"I'll get you out of here! Trust me!" The voice says.

Finally, I can see outside!
I'm above the ground!
I can finally breathe again!
I climb out of my coffin - no, a coffin. What was once considered mine is no longer mine.
I see my rescuer, smiling at me.
I run to him and I thank him. "You saved me!"
He chuckles a bit, "You called for me."

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-30150084558632115942018-03-10T08:15:00.000-08:002018-03-10T08:15:17.942-08:00The GospelWhat is the Gospel?

Gospel is the Greek word euaggelion, which translates to "Good News." What is the Good News? I'm glad you asked 😊

We are rebels of God - the Creator of the universe! We spat in his face and said, "I don't need you. In fact, I can do your job better than you can!" We break every law that he has given us:

1) No gods but the one true God
2) No idols
3) Don't misuse God's name
4) Remember the day of rest and keep it holy
5) Honor your mother and father
6) Don't murder/hate
7) Don't commit adultery/lust
8) Don't steal
9) Don't lie
10) Don't crave for someone else's belongings or spouse

Have you kept all of these all your life? I sure haven't. I've broken ALL of them - many on a daily basis! Breaking even one of these laws is deserving of the death penalty.

As the Scripture say, "No one is righteous - not even one. No one is truly wise; no one is seeking God. All have turned away; all have become useless. No one does good; not a single one. Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave. Their tongues are filled with lies. Snake venom drips from their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. They rush to commit murder. Destruction and misery always follows them. They don't know where to find peace. They have no fear of God at all."

Romans 3:10-17

We are ALL rebels. You may say, "That's ridiculous! How could anyone follow those laws perfectly?" Ah, but that's the point! The law was to show how much we need God because in the end, we can't save ourselves.

For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are.

Romans 3:20

So what is our verdict?

Death. Plain and simple. Death. If we're not caught right away, we will eventually be caught and executed for our crimes.

"But I'm a good person!"

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.

Romans 3:23

You have broken the law, and you must suffer the consequences for it. There's no way out. You can't escape. Sounds pretty hopeless right?

In comes Jesus.

In a broken and corrupt world, there is a man who walked the earth who did not break a single law! He was God's Son who came humbly as an infant; and he grew up from a boy to a man. He was tempted just as we are, and yet he did not give in. He healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, rose the dead back to life, and exorcized demons. The people who acted like they had everything put together, he was not interested in. He hung out with those who had nothing - the poor, the needy, and people who knew they were broken. The religious leaders hated him because he made it clear to them that their piety was not going to save them from the wrath of God.

When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

Mark 2:17

Jesus came for the broken. He came for the people who aren't perfect - you and me. He came for the people who don't have everything put together. He came for the people who need a savior! But those who thought they had everything together hated him. So they plotted to kill him. They arrested him one night (after one of his best friends betrayed him to them), even though he had done nothing wrong. He knew this was to come though. He was mocked and spat on. He was beaten to a pulp, unrecognizable as even a man.

But many were amazed when they saw him. His face was so disfigured he seemed hardly human, and from his appearance, one would scarcely know he was a man.

Isaiah 52:14

He was literally nailed (hands and feet) to a tree. Not once did he utter a harsh word to them. No, instead he said, "Father forgive them for they don't know what they're doing." He asked God to FORGIVE them! He didn't just ask God to forgive those who had crucified him though - he was asking God to forgive ALL people. All of us have fallen short, all of us have nailed him to the cross. He gave his life for all of us. His death pardoned our crimes because he took the death penalty for us.

But it doesn't stop there!

Three days later, he came back to life! The man who came to save the broken. The man who was executed in our place. He was risen back to life!

For the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 6:23

How do we get this free gift of eternal life?

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.

Romans 10:9-10

So what is the Good News?

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's condemnation.

Romans 5:9

The Good News is that through Jesus Christ you are no longer rebels! You are no longer prisoners! Your chains have been broken and you have been set free! You are a child of God! He is repairing our brokenness and one day, we will be completely repaired! He loves you SOOOOOOOO much, that he took your punishment onto himself. He wants to adopt you as his child. You were a rebel, and now you have the chance to be a son or daughter of God! He won't force himself on you though - it is YOUR choice whether to follow him, or to reject him. To reject him means death, but to embrace him means eternal life. It is your choice.

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-33873559502435161072018-03-08T04:11:00.000-08:002018-03-08T04:11:08.692-08:00You're Not Alone

Ever feel alone in your struggles? Ever feel like no one understands you? Does life seem to be crushing you? Does it seem like no matter what you do, it's never good enough?

This is how I often feel. Often times I'll smile, but it's fake. In reality, I don't really remember how to smile. I try to smile, but it feels awkward. I often feel like I can't catch a break - there's always something trying to break me to my knees and I can't get back up. Sometimes I'll say jokingly (because I'd rather be cold, temperature-wise, than hot), "I like the cold, just like my soul." While I do say this as a joke, there's some half-truth in it too. I often feel like I'm a terrible person, if not one of the worst. I see the darkness in me and I hate it; and I try to get rid of it, but can't seem to be able to. It boggles my mind why anyone would want to be around me. With all my mental illnesses combined with my addictions, I often don't feel like people are able to understand me or even relate to me. I've been through so much rejection in my life, I sometimes wonder if it's even worth trying to be around other people - so I isolate myself. Who could understand me? Who could understand the darkness in me? Who could understand what it's like to have your brain and body turn on you? If you feel this way, know this: you're not alone and you are greatly loved.

We are ALL broken in some way. People may not always be so open about it like I am, some don't even realize how broken they are. I am open about my brokenness because

Three times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9

Hey, if God can love me, he can certainly love you! Scratch that, it's not that he CAN love you, but that he DOES love you! YOU are his pride and joy, and he understands how you feel. He knows how broken you are - and loves you regardless. We are not alone in our struggles, there are others who struggle with the same problems. Even if we were alone though, we're not because Christ understands our struggles. Even now I feel like breaking down and weeping (and I mean ugly crying) because there are times where it seems like everything is working against me - and it's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt. We weren't promised to have a perfect life. We were actually promised the opposite - life is going to be difficult.

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."

John 15:18

It's been a tough week for me, and I've thought about throwing in the towel and saying, "That's it! I'm done! I give up! I can't do this anymore!" Seems like suicide is always in the back of my mind as an option....
But I refuse to give up! I've never seen myself as much of a fighter. When it comes to fight vs flight, I'm ALWAYS in flight mode. I'll try to fight back, but it always ends badly - so I end up being a doormat. Maybe I'm more of a fighter than I realize though. It's a struggle to get out of bed every day - yet I still get up. It's a struggle to not hurt myself in some way (in case you don't know, I self-sabotage everything), yet I'm still here - though that isn't completely my decision. I've tried to escape, I've tried to give up, but it didn't work. I'm still here.....

I often wonder why it is I'm still here, and I think I've figured out why. I can't give up. If I give up, what does that say about Christ? That he can't help me get through life? That he's not strong enough? That he doesn't care? No, I refuse to give up!

Yes, I am broken - perhaps even more broken than most people, but I'm not alone, just as YOU are NOT alone! Jesus is right there with you, saying, "I'm here! I'm with you! Just come to me! I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28)!" Go to him. Let him help you. Let him comfort you. Let him hold you. Cry in his arms. He understands the pain and the frustrations in life. Let him in. I know that's difficult. It's difficult to let people in that you can see, hear, and touch; how can you with someone you can't? I'm not going to lie, it's REALLY difficult - but you can! I've seen enough things that can't be mere "coincidence" that he was active in my life (or others lives). He is there, and he has shown me over and over again that he's in control. Go ahead and say I'm crazy, or I'm delusional. Go ahead and try to break me - it's nothing that no one has tried to do before. I'm not going to give up though, because I know Christ won't give up on me either. I've been broken long enough to know I can't go through life alone. God has a lot of grace for me, and I know he does for you too. If he has grace for me, he has grace for you. If he can save a wretch like me, he can save you too. Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-87973660894689436012018-03-07T10:40:00.002-08:002018-03-07T10:40:30.889-08:00What You Keep Alive

"And call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you will honor me."

Psalm 50:15

Here it is, ANOTHER blog on addiction. I know I tend to focus on this quite a bit lately. For a week my psych meds have not been working like they should, and I have to wait a couple more days until I see my dr about them. With this being said, my brain and my emotions have been all over the place. With my brain and emotions running wild, my addictions have been pretty difficult to face to be honest. I've been hallucinating, hearing voices, and very paranoid. Why just a couple days ago I cried for an hour because I thought I was being a bad friend (I've been trying very hard to be a better friend to people, but that's for another blog for another day). I'm paranoid that everyone is going to leave me - I mean, REALLY paranoid about it. If I'm talking to someone, and they don't get back with me in a few minutes, I start freaking out, "Did I do something wrong? Did I say something I shouldn't have? Maybe they don't like me anymore? Maybe they don't want anything to do with me anymore?" I've been trying very hard to ignore those thoughts, but it's not easy. Paranoia + codependency is NOT a good combination.

My addictions though, I've been very tempted to cut. There's something about cutting that drowns out the noise in my brain. The voices seem to go away for a bit. This may be the same for others caught in addiction (such as alcoholics and drug addicts, they may say the same thing). I've been good about not giving into cutting so far though. Unfortunately, I have done some binge-eating. Not enough that'll make my stomach have more issues, but enough to make me gain more weight. I can't tell you how much cake I've been having lately. Every time I see cake, I have to have some. After weighing myself today though, I definitely realize I need to lay off the cake. That's going to be difficult to give up for a while, but if I want to get healthy, I've got to not have any for now. Time to make more smoothies!

When I'm caught in addiction, it screams at me when I don't give in. Seriously. It affects my brain and my body. I don't really know how to explain it. It consumes my thoughts and there's like this strong craving. It's like a girl and chocolate. Chocolate is a girl's best friend - until you take it away. You take away her chocolate her body craves it (I don't know if it's the sugar or what), she gets grumpy without it, and may do whatever it takes to get some chocolate. She passes down the chocolate aisle at the grocery store and it depresses her. She tries to reason with herself how one little chocolate won't hurt her. What harm could one small piece of chocolate do? Once she gives in, one little piece of chocolate isn't enough anymore. She has to eat a whole bar, then two bars, then an entire party pack, etc! It's a lot like that (for me at least anyway). Whether it's with food or cutting, this is what it does to me - and when I give into it, I feel even worse than before. I feel like a failure, I feel further away from God, and guess what that does? It makes me feel even worse, so then I do it again. It's this endless cycle! I'm going through the Steps Program with Celebrate Recovery and it's been tough. I've been learning not only what my problem is, but why I have these problems too. Stuff that I've buried that I didn't want to deal with has been coming back. My tendency is to give into my addictions and just bury them again, but I'm having to deal with them without giving into my addictions. It makes my addictions scream to give into them, but I'm having to just let them be, and if I have to cry, I have to cry. It's not easy to allow yourself to cry (or at least for me it's not easy).

Something I've been learning is that when my addictions are screaming at me, I really have to rely on Christ to help me. There have been times where I literally go to him in tears, just begging for him to save me from these addictions. It doesn't necessarily mean he'll take away the addictions. For some people he does, for others he doesn't. Sometimes it's the thorn in our side that we have to deal with until the day we die - and as miserable as that is, it's okay. Everyone has their struggles. We have to cling to Jesus and rely on him to help us through them.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

The more we cling to Jesus and don't give into our addictions, the stronger we become. He understands your suffering, and he will restore you. Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-46380132340163515872018-03-05T15:53:00.000-08:002018-03-05T15:53:52.547-08:00Rescue Me"Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory."

- Psalm 50:15

See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The LORD God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.

- Isaiah 12:2

Lately, I've had some issues with my medication (for nearly a week). I don't get to see my dr about them until Friday. My emotions have been out of whack and my brain, don't even get me started on that wreck.

Anyway, when my meds aren't working, I have hallucinations, hear voices, a lot of paranoia, some delusions, and one time I got delirious. So, guess what's been going on with me? Most of the hallucinations I have involve either bugs or figures that look demonic. What's scarier with the demonic ones though is even after I see it, I don't know if it's real or not. You see, I have this test I do to see if it's real or not. If I see something, I'll look away for a minute, and then I look back. If it's gone, I figure it's a hallucination. This test is not foolproof though. I have a second test. My cat sleeps in the bedroom with my husband and me. If I see something and he's calmly sleeping, then I can figure it's not real either.

I've had instances in the past where I really did see demons (yes, they are very much real and very evil). I know those were real though because others saw them with me at the same time. If they had been hallucinations, only I would've seen them. There is NO such thing as a group hallucination. With this being said, I don't always know if they're real or not when I see them.

When I have these hallucinations (or hear voices - a few days ago a voice kept telling me to kill myself, but I kept fighting back saying no until it finally went away), I tend to be so afraid that I forget to ask for help from Jesus. Yet there are times when I've had nightmares of the demonic, and when I have cried out to Jesus for help, he ALWAYS comes to my rescue and they flee. They know this too because they'll do everything they can to shut me up in these nightmares (like sewing my mouth shut, or even trying to kill me). Of course, these are just nightmares though right? Maybe, maybe not. Recently I did see one of the figures that used to torment me in my sleep. I don't know if it was a hallucination or if it was real, but it really frightened me. My test I did failed as well. It only went away when my husband came (I was in the car). ANYWAY....

What if when I see something or hear voices (whether they're caused by my psychosis or are real), I called out to Jesus for help? I mean, if it works in my dreams, couldn't it work when I'm awake too? He has saved me in other ways, not just in my dreams. He's literally saved my life - multiple times. I'd list all the times, but I'm sure there are even more incidents that I may not even know about! So instead of being so fearful (flight vs fight - I'm always in flight mode), I should cry out to Jesus for help, and surely, he will come to my rescue! I'm never alone, even when I feel very much alone. He is ALWAYS with me no matter what. He'll walk through this life with me. If they really are demonic, they're more terrified of him than I am of them. He will rescue me, I know he will!

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-45430456973579123942018-02-28T06:27:00.000-08:002018-02-28T06:27:14.052-08:00Six Months LaterA few years ago I went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting off and on (when I lived in Tennessee). What is Celebrate Recovery? It's a 12-Step program with a Christ-centered spin on it. It's like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics Anonymous), etc, but it's not centered around just one addiction - it's for all addicts and other people who may have different struggles. When I first started going to CR in TN, I mainly went to deal with grief. I had some relationships I was involved with that were causing me a lot of problems - including getting me to cut more frequently and suicide attempts. Don't get me wrong, it was MY choice to cut, and it was MY choice to try to end my life. Those are MY responsibilities, but there were people who were influencing me to do them. I've never been very strong, and I've always listened to my emotions. Listening to your emotions can be a problem sometimes.

Anyway, I had a dr in TN that told my husband and my mom to just let me cut - that it's part of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I'll eventually grow out of it. I was cutting more and more frequently and there wasn't anything anyone could really do to stop me. It got to the point where I was cutting AT LEAST three times a week. At that point I realized I needed to do something to quit. I was running out of room on my arms and started considering cutting my legs. I wanted to quit, but I couldn't stop - not on my own that is.

We moved to GA to live closer to my parents about two years ago because my parents wanted to keep an eye on me since I was so suicidal. I tried really hard to quit cutting. The longest I went was 11 months. I was thinking if I went a year without cutting, I could possibly write a free ebook on how to quit cutting. I'd want it to be a free resource so anyone who was struggling with it, wouldn't have to worry about money being an issue. When I cut after 11 months though, it was really disappointing. Then last year I went 8 months - but then gave into cutting again. I've never been good with conflict, nor having good coping skills. I started thinking I should just give up trying to get better. What's the point if I'm just going to keep going back to it?

Last August I checked out a CR at my parents church. I realized while I was there that I had another problem - codependency. I realized "This is why I depend so much on pleasing other people! This is why I put too much value in my relationships! This is why I'm often a doormat!" I allow people to use me and abuse me because I'm so afraid of losing them. So I just take it until I can't anymore - which is when I turn to cutting (or binge-eating). It was a good group, but then I found out the church my husband and I go to had a CR there as well; so I started going to that one instead.

Since starting going to the CR at our church, I've made friends, have a couple of accountability partners, and even a sponsor now too!

I've had some pretty close calls. Seems like no matter how hard I try to get better, something sucker punches me in the face. There have been times I nearly cut, and other times I nearly hung myself. There have been a lot of things that have triggered me (I hate using that word because it's so misused now. Kids will say "I'm triggered" if they lose at a game. This is NOT what I mean though). The last few months have been pretty dark for me. If you've been reading my blog, you can probably tell I had hit some dark times. We all have them, and some days are darker than others. Every time I was about to hurt myself though, I was always thwarted. I think it was God thwarting me honestly. At one point I really was going to hang myself. I had everything ready to do it - but as soon as I was about to put the noose around my neck, I started to bawl my eyes out. I kept thinking about my husband, and how he'd feel if he found me that way. Obviously, I didn't go through with it since I'm still here. Anyway, I'm getting off the topic now.

Yes, I've had some pretty dark times where I nearly gave in. This past Monday even I nearly cut. I had vomited my meds which means I had no anti-psychotic meds in my system. For the rest of the day I couldn't get out of my head. I can tell within hours that I don't have my meds in my system. If you take medications, TAKE THEM! I'll be the first to tell you, I hate pills - but man, I hate being stuck in my head even more than popping pills. Anyway, I was dealing with a lot of stuff Monday and I nearly gave in. I didn't want to give in - especially since it was the day before getting my six month chip! I've worked hard to get that and I don't want to start all over again! I talked with some people to help me, and to those I talked with, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my "psychotic" side and helping me get through the day - y'all are awesome!

I managed to make it to CR yesterday without cutting and got my 6 month chip! It was so exciting and rewarding to get it 😀 I'll tell you what though, I couldn't have gotten it on my own. As weak as I am? Nope, on my own strength I'd've (I made up a word there) failed. God helped me A LOT, and he also placed people in my life who've helped me along the way as well. Last night I got an encouraging email from one of my heroes too - telling me that he's proud of me and to keep going 😊 In six months, I have come a long ways. Have I had my struggles and setbacks? Definitely. But I'm not going to let them tear me down. I've come too far now to give up! In six more months, I will have gone the longest without cutting in a LONG time - and I am making sure I get that one year gold medallion 😏

By the way, just an update - last week I found out what's been causing my illness. I have two chronic illnesses: IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and Gastroparesis. I'm not very happy I have chronic illnesses, but I'm glad I at least have some answers now. There is a plus side to having them though - I can't binge-eat. If I binge-eat they get worse. Gastroparesis is basically a paralyzed stomach - it's really difficult to digest food and takes a LONG time to do it. If I eat too much or have certain foods that are harder to digest, then I'm going to end up vomiting. This gets confusing though. Some foods I'm supposed to eat for the IBS, I can't eat because of the Gastroparesis. So then I have to decide, "Which one would I rather deal with? Diarrhea, or vomiting?" Not fun to have to decide which one I'd rather deal with. Luckily, the doctor did say I can have fruits and vegetables - if they're in a smoothie though. I guess it's because they're broken down or something. Anyway, I thought I'd give an update just incase anyone had been wondering.

O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-57751622317635949682018-02-26T04:02:00.001-08:002018-02-26T04:02:45.742-08:00He Lavishes His Love On Us

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion for you."

Isaiah 54:10

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

1 John 3:1

There are many verses that describe God's love for us, but these two I want to focus more on.

 We have a God that has compassion for us and lavishes his love on us! Lavish....that's a word you don't hear often anymore.

Lavish: rich, elaborate, luxurious.

God's love is rich, elaborate, and luxurious!

Often times, it can be difficult to think God lavishes his love on us or has compassion for us when you see (or experience) a lot of suffering in the world.

"Where are you God in all of this? Are you even there?" Don't worry, people often wondered this in Scripture as well.

O LORD, why do you stand so far away? Why do you hide when I am in trouble?

Psalm 10:1

I know in my life, there have been MANY times where I've asked this. Does he not see our tears? Does he not hear our cries for help? He does though. I can't answer why you've experienced what you have gone through. I can tell you this though - God has and always will be there with you through it.

There have been times where he's seemed so far away from me. When I give into my cutting for example - he always feels further away than before, even though I know he hasn't gone further away from me. He's still there with me through it all.

He has compassion for you. He knows the pain you go through - he's been through a lot of pain himself. His heart BREAKS for you. He's not a distant God, even if it feels like he is. He is there and wants to help you - he wants to comfort you. Let him lavish his love on you.

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-18004259249828374632018-02-23T15:12:00.001-08:002018-02-24T08:04:33.516-08:00ChristianeseHave you ever heard words/phrases come from Christians that you don't understand? Honestly, I can't stand "Christianese" because there are words/phrases only Christians are going to understand - and even some of them don't understand what they mean either! So, I'm going to try to help you understand what these words/phrases really mean (and hopefully I'll get some insight on them too, lol).

First, this word isn't necessarily "Christianese," but it's a word most people don't use anymore, and that word is "sin." What does sin mean?

According to the dictionary it means "an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law."

So what does this mean? You may be saying, "I'm a good person, I have good morals, so I don't sin right?" Or you may be saying "Morals are subjective." Let me ask you this, do your morals align with God's Law?

1) No killing/hating
2) No infidelity/lust
3) No idolatry
4) Keeping the Sabbath (the Sabbath was a day of rest)
5) No coveting/jealousy
6) No lying
7) No stealing
8) Honor your parents
9) Don't use God's name in vain (which means making an oath under his name ("I swear to God...."))
10) Only worship God (the one true God)

I don't know about you but I've broken literally all of these (and many on a daily basis). If you've broken even ONE of these, then you have sinned. Thankfully, God sent his Son, Jesus, to take our punishment for us (the punishment was death and hell). He suffered and died for us so we can be with God, even after we've sinned. Isn't that incredible?!

Okay, on to the REAL Christianese.

I've heard this phrase many times. I grew up in the church (though didn't start following Christ until I was 14), and I've heard so many times to ask Jesus to "come into your heart." It always confused me, and to this day it still confuses me. I'm like "How does someone live IN my heart?" I mean, our heart's job is to pump blood through our bodies right? So how does one live IN our hearts? Of course, that's just me taking things literal though. God doesn't LITERALLY live in your heart. When you trust that Jesus died for you, came back to life on the third day, and you need him to rescue you from Satan (the devil/Accuser/Adversary). Which brings to another phrase: what does it mean to be "saved?"

I'm not sure if this is really "Christianese" but I thought I'd explain it anyway. We are prisoners of ourselves. Doesn't make much sense right? So basically, we are in these prison cells, but they're not like normal prisons. They're comfortable, we get to do whatever we want while we're in them, and that's what our real focus is. What's good for me? What we don't realize though, is two things: First, there is an executioner; and while your cells may be comfortable, when it's time to be executed it's going to be very painful. He doesn't care about you, in fact he's happy to kill you in the most painful way possible! All alone and torment, After all, you're in prison because you rebelled against the King! There is a second person though. The King's Son. He was executed in your place and went through the punishment that was meant for you! Because of that, your cell doors are open and you can walk right out! Your sentencing has been changed! Instead of being a prisoner you're free! But there's a catch - you have to actually walk out of your cell and be adopted by the King. Yep, you read that correctly, you - a rebel of the King, He wants to adopt you as His child! Unfortunately though, many people would rather stay in their prison cells. They're comfortable where they are and don't think they'll really be executed. Through Jesus, we are saved from not just Satan, but from ourselves as well. But we have to go to him, not stay as we are. He loves us, but he loves us enough to not want us to be prisoners. He wants to adopt us as his children, and live life abundantly (John 10:10).

So, to be saved you need a Savior - Jesus is that Savior. Put your trust in him.

What about some other Christianese?

"Washed in the blood" is another one. What does this mean? Well, this could get a little complicated. So when Adam and Eve committed the first sin (disobeyed God's command on not eating from the tree of knowledge), there had to be blood sacrifices. These weren't human sacrifices. These were sacrifices by animals such as sheep. The high priest would make these sacrifices so God could forgive the people. This was all to represent what was to come - the ultimate sacrifice. God sent his Son, Jesus, to be the ultimate sacrifice for us. Since Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice, there is no need for more sacrifices! We are cleansed of our sins through Jesus' sacrifice.

Repentance. What does this mean? When we sin, we are turning away from God. So how do we get back with him? By repenting. In other words, turn from your sin - don't do it again, and be obedient to God.

Born again is another one too. What does this mean? You know, Nicodemus (a Pharisee - leaders of the Law) wondered this as well. It's too long of a passage though so you can go to BibleGateway.com to read it. It's John 3:1-21. In summary though, it's not a physical rebirth - it's a spiritual one. It's being reborn through Christ - a new creation.

Lord. Jesus is a leader - a good one too. He's not some power-hungry politician or military leader. He's a King, and a humble one for that. He came down from heaven and was born as an innocent, little baby. He had a humble upbringing - his family wasn't wealthy or royal. He was poor and even homeless you could say. ("Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Matthew 8:20)

Word, or rather, reading the Word. This means Scripture, short for God's Word. Scripture is considered to be the Word of God.

Baptism. Baptism is a public way of saying you belong to Christ. Jesus was buried, then came back to life. So baptism going down in the water represents dying to yourself, then you go up out of the water to represent your new life with Christ.

Foundation. This comes from the parable Jesus told about the person who built their house on sand, and the person who built their house on rock. It's you identity in Christ.

Err, those are all the terms I can think of, of either "Christianese" or terms you may not know that come from Scripture. If I think of more I'll add them here.

O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-90508475982431059482018-02-23T05:52:00.001-08:002018-02-23T05:52:28.950-08:00Fearing GodWhat does it mean to fear God?

There are a lot of verses in Scripture on fearing God. If you're like me and takes everything literal, this can be difficult to understand. For a while, when I read about fearing God, I thought it literally meant you're scared of God! I started to realize just how holy he is, and how unholy I am. It terrified me! How could I communicate with someone so holy, so powerful, so "good," when I am neither of those things? Surely he wouldn't want to hear from me! I was so scared to pray, that for several months I wrote my prayers instead. I know it's still praying, but I felt like that was the best I could do.

But what if fearing God doesn't mean the same kind of fear we usually think of?

I think when it says to fear God, it doesn't mean scared, but rather it means to have high respect for him. Take this verse for example:

The LORD is a friend to those who fear him. He teaches them his covenant.

Psalm 25:15

How could we be scared of someone, and be a friend at the same time? It's not the same as being scared, it's high respect.

Of course, there is a side to be scared of though. He's no push-over. He knows our hearts, and that includes the darkness inside them. In each and every one of us, there is a side of us that says, "I can do a better job than God can." I mean think about it. Lucifer (Satan) fell because he thought he could be a better god than, well, God! We are no better.''

"Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body."

Matthew 10:28

God doesn't like punishing or destroying. You think he takes pleasure in sending people to hell? Heck no! If he did, he wouldn't have sent Jesus to save us!

"I don't want you to die, says the Sovereign LORD. Turn back and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32

There have been many times where I thought, "Where is MY justice in what I've been through?" He is a God of justice, don't get me wrong. Some day there will be justice for us; but that also means there will be justice for people we have hurt and treated like crap too. There's nothing wrong with wanting justice, but be careful, because he will give justice to others as well.

Thankfully, we also have a God of mercy. It's funny, we (or at least I) ask for justice for us from God, but then in the same breath we ask God to be merciful to us.

I know recently I've had to realize, I'm not as much of a forgiving person as thought I was. I do hold grudges, and that is something I have to work on. Sometimes when people come to mind who have hurt me, it really gets my blood boiling and I get really angry, clenching my fists like I'm about to hit something. But then I realize that I really hadn't forgiven them like I had thought I had. So I ask God to forgive me and to help me continue to forgive them.

Anyway, I think I've gone off-track. Fearing God. Respect.

O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-90248371415385070712018-02-22T06:10:00.001-08:002018-02-22T06:37:16.787-08:00All We NeedWell, today I'm getting the results for my CT Scan. I've had stomach issues for over 16 months. We haven't been able to figure out what's wrong with me, no matter how many tests we run. People know me at the ER now because I've gone so often. I've jokingly told them "How much is rent here?" Jokes aside, it's been really frustrating not knowing what's wrong with me. I vomit just about every day (though I haven't for a week now 😀). Sometimes there's blood, and sometimes I cough up blood. It really scares me when that happens. My stomach has started hurting lately too. It feels all twisted up. I'm hoping the CT Scans have found the cause of my stomach issues. If not, I'll have to do an endoscopy.

Anyway, I often feel like my body and my mind are betraying me. If you've read my previous blog entries, I have A LOT of mental illnesses. For example, if I have to get an endoscopy, I will have to miss my morning psych meds - which includes my anti-psychotic. When I don't take my anti-psychotic, I notice a difference within hours (in other words, if I have to miss them, my husband is going to have to make sure I don't go on Facebook because I could go a bit crazy). Within hours, I start to hallucinate and I get really paranoid (sometimes even delusional). It's really difficult to calm me down when that happens.

I read this a few days ago:

My mind and body may grow weak, but God is my strength; he is all I need.

Psalm 73:26

He is all I need....

It's true! He is truly ALL we need! Whatever we're going through, he is ALWAYS going to be there with us, through it. We're never truly alone. No doubt, we often feel alone. "No one understands me. No one understands what I'm going through." These sort of thoughts run in my head CONSTANTLY. With all my mental illnesses? With my past? Who could possibly know what I go through? Well, even if I were the only person who struggled with what I struggle with (though I know I'm not the only one), I'm still not alone. See, Jesus is always with us. He's not going to leave you. He's got you 😄

"I will never never fail you. I will never abandon you."

Hebrews 13:5

He's never going to fail you, and he's never going to abandon you. It can often feel like he's really far away, or even that he's not there at all. But he IS there! Have people abandoned you? He won't. There have been times I've felt completely alone - like I'm trapped in this failure of a vessel. Don't get me wrong, God does NOT make mistakes, so when I say a failure of a vessel, that's not what I mean. It's like, when Paul says our bodies are temples to God (1 Corinthians 6:19), my temple has been torn apart, graffiti'd on, and allowed prostitutes to take over! I self-sabatouge. Whether it's self-harm or ruining relationships - good relationships, or allowing bad relationships to take over (I'm a bit of a doormat). You know what though? God can fix that broken temple. Maybe in this life, maybe in the next. He still resides in that run down temple though. He will never fail you, and he will never abandon you.

All we need is Christ....

O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-5336477131656399282018-02-21T05:38:00.001-08:002018-02-21T05:38:36.999-08:00The Call

Who are those who fear the LORD? He will show them the path they should choose.

Psalm 25:12

Ever wonder where you're supposed to go in life? This has been something I've been stuck in for years.

Growing up I had hopes and dreams of what I wanted to do with my life - but over the past few years, I've realized they're unachievable for me (at the time at least anyway). This has been very difficult for me, to be honest. I see my friends and family members doing things with their lives, and don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for them; but it's difficult when all I do is sit on my butt all day doing pretty much nothing. I can't drive, I can't work, I can't raise a family with kids, nothing. It's made me wonder why I'm even still here. Surely my life isn't a waste right? Surely there's a reason why I'm still here! Sometimes I will cry out to God, "Why am I here? What good am I alive if I can't do anything?" Then there's this:

I have told all your people about your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O LORD, well know. I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Psalm 40:9-10

As I have mentioned in a previous blog entry, I'm extremely afraid of people - especially public speaking. People terrify me! I often say I prefer animals over people because animals will attack if they feel threatened - trying to defend themselves. People, on the other hand, will backstab you on purpose. There aren't evil animals, but there are evil people. I guess I sort of have a love-hate relationship with people. I love people, I want to help people, I care about people, especially those who are broken; but I fear them too. You know, Jesus was treated like crap by people, but he was never afraid of them; and he loved people WAY more than anyone can!

There have been times where I've really felt like God has told me to talk to people who are hurting, but I get so afraid. Sometimes I don't do it, and I feel terrible after that. I think, "If that had been me, I would've wanted someone to give me hope. I'd want to hear that God has my back. I'd want to hear that I'm not alone. I'd want to hear that God still loves me. So why did I say nothing?" I will beat myself up all day over it. Here I will ask God to give me an opportunity to tell someone the Good News that Jesus rescues us through his death and resurrection; yet I chicken out. every. time. Lately, I have tried to listen to that voice, even if I'm absolutely terrified - not for my sake, but for the other person.

Jesus called out to them, "Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!"

Mark 1:17

We all have a calling - to preach the Good News to everyone. How this looks for everyone is different. For some it's teaching. For others it may be art. It's different for everyone - I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for me. Maybe it's my blog, maybe it's something else.

Some people are happy to just be with their family. It doesn't matter if they reach out to other people. But this isn't what we are instructed to do! It's preposterous! Reach out to your family yes, but don't stop there! What about all the other people in the world? The people who are broken and empty? What about the girl being bullied at school? What about your co-worker who's caught in addiction? What about the guy who's about to kill himself because he just can't take the pains of life anymore? You have joy in Jesus? Good! Now go share that joy with the world! Don't keep it to yourself! Are you afraid? Do it anyway! Don't let your fear cripple you. Jesus is with you and will give you the strength!

Not sure how to do this? Just tell him, "I'm here, and I'm listening! Whatever it is you want me to do I'll do it! Whoever you want me to be I'll be it! Give me the strength to do it, no matter how afraid I may be!" He will show you what he wants - it may not be immediate, but he will show you.

So how are you going to preach the Good News?

O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Allie Petershttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-525203948357128277.post-456276191517193882018-02-20T08:11:00.001-08:002018-02-20T08:11:29.159-08:00In the Face of FearHow do we face fear?

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.

Psalm 46:1

"Don't be afraid. Take courage, I am here!"

Matthew 14:27

Fear is a BIG thing for me. I am afraid of everything! Lately, some things have been happening that really terrifies me to my core. I mean, it's hard enough to be getting out of my comfort zone (like in my recovery); but there are some things going on that are scaring me even more! I'm terrified of spiders, but what's been going on, I'm more terrified of that than spiders! Spiders make me scream and cry like a baby. This though, I am literally begging God to change His plans (if they are His plans)! I know that's pretty ridiculous, God changing plans? Anyway, I'm not quite ready to talk about it yet, but I probably will eventually (I'm not in any harm).

Anyway, one of my biggest fears is going to surprise you. I talk about God all the time in my blog - heck, the point in my blog is to show my struggles in hopes that it will give hope to those who are struggling, and understanding to those who aren't. I want to show people God's love for them. He loves you more than you could ever imagine; and though I can't show you just how much he loves you, I want to show you even just a little bit of his love for you. My fear though? My fear is actually talking about God - ESPECIALLY in person. I'm not completely sure why, my theory though is that I'm afraid of not saying something accurate about him, or turning people further away from him. I fear failure. It's hard for me to talk about it even on my blog, but in person it absolutely cripples me with fear. I like talking about him, I just get so afraid. I also feel unqualified. For over a decade my foundation was very weak, and only since this past summer has it been getting stronger.

I remember this one time when my husband and I were playing games at a game shop, and there were some people mocking Jesus. I was so angry, I wanted to say something. But I chickened out, and that night I wept bitterly because I was too afraid to say anything. I'm a coward.

Another time recently I saw someone post on Facebook that said "Jesus f****** Christ" with a picture of him doing....you can guess I'm sure. It angered me and I felt hurt at the same time. I was hurt because how depraved must a person be to post such a thing? What must they be going through in their own lives to make such a joke? If they only knew how much he loves them even though they mock him....once again though, I was silent.

Why are we afraid though? The God of the universe is on our side! He can conquer anything, heck, he conquered death itself! Surely he can help us with our problems! Jesus said to not be afraid, because he is here! He is with us! What have we got to fear that God can't help us get through? No matter what it is you're afraid of, he will take care of you. He's very protective over his children. He is faithful to his promises, and he has promised he will always be with us and help us. He will never leave us to fend for ourselves against the wolves. We have to allow him to help us though.

"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?"

Matthew 6:26

"What is the price of five sparrows - two copper coins? yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

Luke 12:6-7

"So don't be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom."

Luke 12:32

These are the words of Jesus. We have nothing to be afraid of, we are greatly valued by God! I've said this before, but he is VERY protective over us. He is the perfect Father, and he protects his children. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten myself into trouble, and he always comes to my rescue when I need him most. I am so afraid of where God may be leading me, but in reality, I have nothing to fear!

O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for help.

Psalm 86:5

When we cry out for help, he doesn't turn a blind eye or a deaf ear. He listens to our cries. He wipes away our tears. He holds us when we need comfort. He understands what we go through. He understands the crap in our lives. Jesus went through a lot of crap too. Satan tried to tempt him. People tried to stone him. People abandoned him. People used him. He was betrayed by one of his best friends. He was punished even though he was innocent. He was flogged, beaten to a pulp, mocked, spat on, and ultimately was killed. He gets it, and he wants to be there for us. When we have nothing to give, he keeps giving. Fix your eyes on him, rely on him instead of yourself or others. People will come and go like the weather. They're here one moment, and gone the next. He will never leave you though. He is ALWAYS there with you. You are his greatest creation and his pride and joy. What have you got to lose trusting him?

With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever, for your love for me is very great. You have rescued me from the depths of death.

Psalm 86:12-13

He rescued me from the clutches of death - seriously! I have tried to kill myself three times and had many times where I nearly tried, but was thwarted. I am still here though. I don't know why I am still here but I am for a reason. Everything I've been through in my life - the heartache, the pain, near death, abuse, it all has happened for a reason. I don't always understand why, but sometimes I do realize why. Sometimes though we don't find out until we finally see him in the next life. But we can take comfort in knowing that everything in our lives were not for nothing. He loves you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! So let me ask you again: what have you got to lose in trusting him?

O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Allie Petershttps://firstname.lastname@example.com