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tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23082519266883513052018-06-21T23:44:03.242-07:00scarred for lifeAshley firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-5638746673554885322014-10-13T14:26:00.000-07:002014-10-13T18:19:05.912-07:00Morgan ~ The missing Pieces to her puzzle Freedom and relief is what I expected to feel this past Friday when we left Morgan's appointment at Children's Hospital in Boston. We were there just two weeks before, for neuropsychological testing. Last Friday we were given the results.

I didn't feel free or relieved when I saw the pain on Morgan's face and the frustration in her voice, when she looked at us and said " I have to stay like this?" And later found out, that she thought we were there to "fix" her rather than find out something was actually wrong  different about her brain. She heard words we had never said to her before, and I cannot imagine how confusing and scary that must have been.

I feel we made the right decision on having her tested and now only wish I'd listened to my heart sooner, and done this years ago. I've looked up her "quirks" for years and always found myself reading about kids on the Autism Spectrum and thinking, could she be? And felt it was a possibility.

The Doctors at Children's explained that she does have a lot of the characteristics of A LOT of different disorders, but she always seemed to be lacking the key piece they use to make the actual diagnosis. Except in two things that seemed very obvious.

"Your child has a very complicated profile" ..."how she has gotten this far in school, we don't know."

"Morgan suffers from communication disorder...an impairment in the ability to receive, send, process and comprehend concepts of verbal, non-verbal and graphical symbols."

"She has a speech and language impairment of the articulation of speech sounds, fluency and voice. Impairment comprehension and or use of spoken written or symbols systems."

"Morgan also has Dyslexia, a learning disorder characterized by difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to other words."
"By the time a child is a certain age they have developed a word bank in their brain of commonly used words. Morgan's word bank is underdeveloped."

"We also believe this is causing her to have anxiety and making her feel as if she is out of place, or socially awkward as she calls it."

"How she has gotten by so well in school, is amazing."

How in the world didn't I realize this....

For years I watched as Morgan was misunderstood, by teachers and eventually friends and even family. It was heartbreaking, for me.

And I feel terrible for not realizing what it must have felt like for her.

I never had any answers for why she did the things she did does.

But now, it makes so much sense!!

Over the years, mostly since being in middle school.

Morgan has been referred to as being "rude & "snarky"
(by a teacher)
The same year was compared to a baby (again by a teacher) has been singled out in front of the class (by another teacher) has been accused of lying, withholding information and purposefully ignoring people.
All by people who know her and see her on a daily basis.

Watching someone trying to have a conversation with her is sometimes painful... I cannot imagine what it is like, for her.

Morgan is in the 7th grade and is unable to use a dictionary effectively...but can build just about anything and make it work.

She doesn't measure anything..but she can design a costume better than most adults.

Calendars don't make sense to her. Neither do weeks and months. But she can fly a plane.

As we walk down our new path, I will continue to share about Morgan as long as she's comfortable with it. In time I'm sure she will open up about how she feels about all of this new information. Until then she has given me permission to share my feelings on it, as long as I consider letting her have a puppy!

These are the things that make Morgan who she is, guaranteed she will not let this stand in her way!

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-49812651597971148032014-01-29T11:32:00.001-08:002014-01-29T17:05:43.276-08:00The endocrine system..it's one tricky MofoThe Endocrine system is one tricky MoFo...ok that's not what he really said, but thats what I heard.

I also heard..it's time to dig a little deeper into whats going on inside your body and I promise you, I will try to figure this out...I'm sure the look on my tired face and the tears in my eyes helped getting my point across... I'm trying to think of everything I can tell him about the past few months, every little symptom..every little ache..every little pain.

He explain's we will start with labs..it's easy enough. He goes on to tell me what he thinks and what he will test for to start. But he knows what is in the back of my mind and he knows that is why I can't seem to think straight. I can't bring myself to say it out loud and he doesn't mention it either, but I know he will test for it.

It has been 12 yrs since I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer...I may be cancer free..but I will never be free from cancer. It's always there, like a skeleton in your closet. It taunts you..reminds you..and scares the living shit out of you no matter how hard you try and forget you ever met.

I am relieved. All you want is for someone to listen. I decided to see my primary care physician this time, not my endocrinologist. I needed someone to start looking at other things, not just my thyroid.

You go to these Doctors and you trust them to do what is best for you.. I've asked before for more than just a TSH test and been told I didn't need it. I think I have a pretty good relationship with my endocrinologist but recently I have felt like more of a number instead of a person with a voice.

Thyroid symptoms suck.

I hate that I am on medication that is constantly changing and I hate that this controls how I feel on a daily basis. Most of the time I am able to push through and mask how I really feel. Nobody wants to hear you complaining about how tired you are or how fat you feel. Eventually you will feel like it's always an excuse..Eventually you will feel like shit about not being able to do the things you want.
Eventually the guilt will build and then maybe if you're lucky the depression will set in.

I step on the scale before I leave the Doctor's office and I hate the number I see.. I work so damned hard to make it to the gym and work out even harder when I get there. Working hard and getting no results is hard..but I will keep trying.

There are days I am uncomfortable in my own skin. You would think I'd be over it and used to it by now. I tell myself I need to let it go, I have to just make the best of this. Sometimes thats just not good enough.

Yes I am alive..Yes I am a survivor.. I should be more grateful...but I don't always feel that way. .

It's like having your dream car and then someone telling you, you have to trade it in for a clunker and while you're at it you can only put water in your gas tank. Good luck getting it to run smoothly... Now make the best of it and have a nice day.

FUCK YOU!!!...I want to say..I don't want this mind or body anymore..I want to be me again..I want to be who I was before cancer decided to show up.

I feel like this today, but might not tomorrow. It's a roller coaster ride I wish I could get off, but instead I just hold on tight...

I WILL make the best of what I've been dealt..and I will try like hell not to let this ruin today or determine my lifestyle tomorrow.Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-28011144431792548542014-01-16T06:17:00.000-08:002014-01-16T06:17:51.098-08:00Unraveling StrandsEver watch your child unravel and as hard as you try you can't stop it...watching each strand of what calm and understanding they have, break one by one???

That was our morning...

Morgan is 12 and is currently on the waiting list to be tested for Aspergers Syndrome... The idea of her possibly being on the spectrum is not new to me. It's something that was pushed aside for many years while I searched for reasons why she does the things she does.

Now that we have taken the steps to put her on the list and say the words out loud and to her face, it's opened my eyes wide and it's given us all more of an understanding about how Morgan's mind works. Sharing Morgan has been great and connecting with other parents that let us into their lives has also been amazing!

Parenting my oldest daughter Sarah was so much different. She was stubborn, but you could reason with her. She would spout off and maybe we would yell, but once we said what we needed to say it was usually over and it was case closed..She is still like this at 15, very reasonable and even though she is a teen I'm very lucky she is able to communicate her frustrations in a mature way.

Parenting Morgan is totally different..

This morning was frustrating, it took everything I had not to yell in her face because she was being unreasonable... unreasonable to who?? ME... Her thoughts in her mind were valid and here I was telling her they weren't because she couldn't see it my way...

I forget sometimes she thinks differently and I need to approach things in a different way...Somedays I can catch it and somedays she just starts to unravel and there's nothing I can do...and then it's over. She shuts herself off and there's NO getting through until she is ready.

Sometimes it's lasts for hours and sometimes depending what it's about it can go on for days until it's rectified. I have to remind myself that in her mind everything has to have an absolute concrete matter of fact reason why it is the way it is..there can be no maybe.

This morning we ran out of chocolate chips for the pancakes that was strike one...I will get more today, don't worry!! Strike two was me starting the dishes at 7:25, we leave the house around 7:30 and we take the long way to school. We have found this is a extra thing she likes and it helps us get out of the house on time in the morning..we take the long way to school and she listens to the oldies station. Like her pancakes she looks forward to this everyday. So me doing the dishes 5 minutes before we should leave, she thought we wouldn't have enough time for her "loop". Third strike was she ran out of yarn and I didn't post the 3 scarves she made on Etsy yet..she knows she has to get paid to buy more yarn and today in her mind that is the dumbest idea..cue full blown argument..

We manage to get out the door the whole time she is mumbling under her breath..she is mad and her reason for being mad is not making sense to me which is MAKING HER MORE MAD!! I'm trying to be as matter of fact as possible and I'm getting nowhere..and I can feel myself starting to get angry and now my voice is getting loud.. it's a recipe for disaster and I'm the one throwing in all the ingredients.

I am slowly realizing everyday things with my girl are real..Arguments and silent meltdowns are far and few between but they do happen. And I'm just starting to understand why..she processes things so differently, that I can't even comprehend sometimes..and my heart breaks thinking of all the times I became frustrated and yelled or shut her down because of our miscommunication.

The ride to school was tense..we got in the truck and she wanted to radio turned to 105.3 "The Shark" she usually does this herself but today she mumbled it under her breath so I could barely hear her, but I knew what she wanted. Every muscle in my body was tight..what an irritating way to start our day. And then I looked over and saw her face. She looked defeated and sad.. I know asking her whats wrong is useless and I know pulling over to hug her like I would do with Sarah would be unimaginable.

Instead we take our drive in silence and I pull up to the curb..she fumbles with her things as usual..I remind her to take the bus home and I will be there. I will not get a hug..I will not get an I love you..I get an emotionless "bye" and the door slams.

I fully expect my letter this afternoon firing me from my job as her mom.

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-40909317040126618242014-01-07T17:23:00.002-08:002014-01-07T17:23:37.690-08:00Time to make the pancakes!!I was surprised at the many different reactions and responses I got the few times I've mentioned making Morgan pancakes in the morning, So I thought I'd share WHY I make them everyday.

You might remember Morgan going to her friends house for a birthday sleepover and the mom made pancakes in the morning. They may have been homemade, fresh, frozen..I have no idea but Morgan thought it was the BEST thing ever!! Now, I don't know if B's mom really makes her 3 kids pancakes everyday but for some reason Morgan got stuck on these pancakes.

Before the pancakes she ate nothing for breakfast and I hated the idea of her going to school with nothing in her system..I have tried everything but you all know you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink..yup Morgan is the same way.

You may have not caught on in the above paragraph but I used the word STUCK..and that is exactly what happens in Morgan's mind..once she gets stuck on an idea..there is NO GETTING IT OUT!! So we try to do the best we can to make her ideas happen, and this time it's just pancakes. So what.

I'm used to the advice and welcome ALL of it..I love hearing from everyone and how you do things with your kids...I really do!! But I've also gotten used to the eye rolls or the comments about Morgan being a "little bit spoiled".. really?? Because I make her breakfast everyday?? Something she enjoys??

It's become part of her routine and if you live with Morgs you know how important those familiar things are and WHY we do them. She doesn't switch gears easily. If I didn't have maple syrup or if I ran out of batter, would she survive??..of course she would.. But it doesn't end there..see she needs an explanation for EVERYTHING..it's not as simple as I forgot to buy it, or we ran out have some oatmeal instead...in her mind there has to be an absolute reason for everything and it could go on FOR DAYS!!

We have routines to make it easier and our mornings are set by these things..at 6:30 she gets up and gets dressed. By 7 I'm making the pancakes and if I'm not she is reminding me, calling up the stairs making sure I didn't forget and if I happen to be working that morning and running late SHE makes the pancakes.

We mix up just enough batter for two small pancakes and she has chocolate chips in between (whatever you do DON"T bake them into the pancake!!!) While she's eating I make her lunch...Imagine that.. I make her lunch too!! Basically for the same reason..so she knows what to expect and what her choices are going to be during the day and at lunch..it's easier for her this way.

Just as any adult might look forward to their morning drive-thru coffee, she likes her pancakes!!

Cue the eye rolls...

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-40163536739613452012013-10-01T08:56:00.000-07:002013-10-01T08:56:02.265-07:00Dear Daughter....who doesn't listenDear daughter,

Today you are mad at me, but you brought this on yourself....You take me for a joke and I'm sick and tired of it. I've said it until you don't even hear me anymore and I warned you months ago this very thing would happen...maybe you thought I was bluffing...you have had plenty of chances and I've been much more than lenient...maybe that was the problem.

I know you are busy...you are good in school and you play an after school sport..I get it...you don't think I do..but I get it.

I do not make rules to be a "beast" I make rules so you will know how to act and succeed in life when you are older...there are rules in school..rules when you get a job..and rules in life...the consequences of breaking those rules are far worse than the ones I have here at home...

You continue to not follow the simple rules I am asking of you...no eating/drinking in the living room...leaving cups and water bottles in your room..not picking up your stuff...and the biggest one, leaving your clothes all over your floor.

You can plead that my room as a kid was a mess...you can tell me it's your room who cares...well guess what??? I CARE.

I bought those clothes and find it disrespectful to see them thrown on the floor... this is not the first time we have talked about this...this has been going on for months...your closet is big enough to easily fit everything you own....you have no excuse beside being lazy and not giving a rats ass what I have asked of you.

For the past month you have begged and pleaded for a few new things (clothing)..again your father and I both have repeatedly told you once you can keep the clothes in the closet and not on the floor, you would earn a trip to the mall.

Even though you did NOT do your part, I decided to cut you a break...I would give you one last chance and this past Sunday I surprised you with a trip to the mall..just you and me.

We started off at Dunkin Donuts for our favorite iced coffees and then stopped for lunch before we shopped. It was a fun day. I haven't had a Sunday off from work in over a month and decided I'd love to spend it with you..

The amount of money you were able to spend in 2 hours...takes me almost two 12 hour shifts to earn..

You got what you wanted, I was no longer the "beast" I was the day before...

It is not my fault you wait for weeks until you do your laundry..you have a set laundry day that YOU CHOOSE to ignore...you would rather wait until you have nothing to wear and then complain that other people are using the washer... that is YOUR CHOICE.

I told you the easiest way to complete the entire laundry task it to fold it right out of the dryer and then put it away..it's actually very simple...you assured me and promised I would not see the hundreds of dollars worth of clothes I'd just bought on your floor.

It's now obvious to me that you do not give a $h@t about what I say...ask...or do for you, because this is what I walked into this morning when I was going to vacuum YOUR room.

You claim you did your laundry last night and didn't have time to fold it and put it away.....Last night while I was at work, away from my family..working until all hours..and tired, I vaguely remember receiving a text saying how tired you were from having to stay up and finish your laundry and an English assignment...then if I remember correctly that same person standing next to my bed this morning asking for an extra hour of sleep because you were up late doing laundry and homework...and what did I do???? I LET YOU SLEEP IN and drove your ass into school late!!!!!

 I warned you this would happen....I told you I'd had enough...you chose not to listen to me and that is your own fault..NOT MINE....I work damn hard for those clothes you have and the things you do...I will not feel bad because there are rules in my house...I will not have guilt when you are mad at me...I am your mom and the rules I have in MY HOUSE are for a reason..I'm sorry if you don't like them...but chances are in your life you will encounter much harder rules, than just having to fold and put away your own clothes.

Don't bother looking for your clothes...don't worry, you will get them back..

when you decide how to earn them.

Love, Mom
Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-74930204658728958032013-09-20T10:53:00.001-07:002013-09-20T10:53:11.080-07:00Portrait of a thyroid disorder..just another day.Having a thyroid disorder or in my case not having at thyroid at all, can feel like your lost in the ocean and all you can do is tread water. Your looking for the direction in which to go but even when you figure it out your to tired to get there. So you start to sink.

Today I feel like I'm sinking, maybe tomorrow I'll have the drive and energy to do what I was supposed to get done today.

The pants I wore last week are tight this morning..maybe they will fit tomorrow....my coordination is off...my head is foggy and I'm anxious...I know what this is from..

I wander around my house aimlessly after the girls go to school...I am getting nothing done..I go back and fourth in my head about what I should be doing...I decide to head out for some retail therapy. I need so many things to decorate our new room in the basement and I plan on giving my bathroom a complete overhaul pretty soon. I stop for an iced coffee and hit the road.

I enter the store and grab a cart..it's hard to push and as usual I get the one with the shakey squeaky wheels...I find a few things but nothing I really want and there is lady in my isle that is in my way...I'm aggravated and immediately don't want to be there anymore..I push through the isles because thats what I came for but things are a blur..nothing matches..nothing will look good in my house and nothing feels like it is making sense..

I suddenly feel lost..why was I there again..I need a shower curtain, yes! I head over to the bathroom section and see all the curtains and love them all...I can't choose so I decide to look at the towels, pick a color and go from there....to many towels back to the shower curtains..I narrow it down and make a decision. I go back to the towels and suddenly I hate the colors..I take the shower curtain back and grab another..I hate this one too...I guess my bathroom can wait till another day.

I feel weird and out of place..uncomfortable in my skin and just need to get the hell out of there...I feel like I can't get to the door fast enough...I head home.

 I'm starving...when was the last time I ate something?? What should I have for lunch?? I get home and nothing is appealing...For once I'd love to eat and not feel guilty because my body looks like shit...I need to try harder.

I should be at the gym..I should be working out..It's one of those days and I know going to the gym would be useless...it's days like this I have no stamina and I feel out of control..I settle for yard work but have not made it outside yet..

Maybe a diet coke would make me feel better....I wish I could just make myself feel better..I hate days like this...it's a sucky feeling that not many understand..my husband gets irritated and my kids don't understand why I cannot possibly do one more thing or answer one more question...or why something like the volume of the TV has made me snap.

Am I depressed??? Am I working to many hours??? To many after school activities for the girls??? Give yourself a break people say...If I gave myself a break every time I had one of these days..I'd have no life..It's my medication and I know it...I call the doc and they will see me in 3 weeks..."sorry but you will have to live in hell till then, have a nice day!" Great...

You feel the lump in your throat and the tears are blurring your vision...you tell yourself to suck it up and stop the pity party...

This is your life now...you are no longer who you were before...deal with it!! Somedays that is just a hard pill to swallow...more jagged than the little blue one that I take to keep me alive..

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-72475054757283211022013-06-10T16:53:00.000-07:002013-06-10T16:53:07.991-07:00The great grocery experiment....Probably like a lot of mom's, I do most of if not all the grocery shopping..there are times John comes with me but I never bring my kids. Brining my kids works me into a lather. I'm usually flustered to the point I can't remember anything and the backs of my ankles are almost always bruised from being rammed into with the cart..and, I spend twice as much if they are with me.

Just after the new year I decided to take a break from my job and cut down my hours..this would be the first time in years I didn't have a regular income coming into the house to help. I knew it would be hard, I'd have to get creative and cut some corners..a small price to pay for my sanity.

But it seems like every week I hear the same thing.."there's nothing to eat"..."wheres all the food".."I don't like that"...I've tried all sorts of things like letting them each pick a night and I make the meal of their choice... letting them give me a list of things they would like....I try to spend around $150 weekly and that usually doesn't include many meats, I buy those at a butcher. I am getting sick and tired of my fridge and cabinets going from packed to bare in 3 days..

John and I have brain stormed a million times about how to get through to them...I want them to realize I could be making them fill up water bottles from the tap..instead of buying their fancy school drinks..that shits not cheap, and when you have two kids with friends and they are sucking them down that gets expensive!!...Still, they look at me like I'm just this nagging mother who will bitch and then just continue to go and buy the stuff they want anyway..and you know what....I do.

I bitch..they ignore me..I go do it all over agin the very next week...OMG I have spoiled bratty kids!!

The girls are now 15 & 11..they are to young for real jobs (most places here you have to be 16 or older) so they really don't have a clue how long it takes to make $150. They don't realize how hard we work to make that money.

When I asked them if they thought $150 was a lot of money they both thought it was...So where's all the food you buy with it??? I wanted them to see exactly how much things cost and what it was like to follow a budget...I announced that they would do the grocery shopping!!

They both looked at me like "yeah right" I'm pretty sure they thought this was just another bitchy moment and it would pass..I have to admit I don't always follow through and bringing them to do the shopping was already sounding like a disaster...I told them to come up with a menu, figure out what they would need and write a list..

Today is Monday..my grocery day..I told myself if I wanted them to learn..I HAD to do this...The teen weaseled her way out of it, she had to study for finals..I cannot say no to studying..and taking just one would be a little easier..so it was Morgan and I...When I picked her up from school, she was thrilled about going..she had her menu planned and knew what she might need..

We get into the grocery store and the kid is clueless...I decided I just couldn't let her run wild and buy anything she wanted..I gave her the $150 budget and reminded her that we have to buy for everyone in the house, not just her. We also needed toilet paper, sandwich bags and a big bag of cat food..that all had to be included in the budget..she assured me $150 was a TON and she could get everything we needed...ok this was going to be good.

She had her list..her calculator and we were good to go....by isle 3, I saw the total creeping up and reminded her we still had whole store to go and we hadn't gotten anything for her recipes..She had decided on corn chowder...chicken pot pie..and meat cakes (mini meat loaf) She was surprised to see what her usual snacks cost and quickly realized that the Store brand 2/$3.00 was the best deal...if she couldn't get the deal, she didn't buy it...she was careful to choose things everyone liked and she chose things that were even amounts so she and Sarah could split it evenly...

I wasn't sure if this was good or bad..I thought for sure she would get to the snack isle and that would be it...she was passing by things she loved..I was actually TRYING to get her to buy junk..."what a rip off" she was saying..."I won't have enough money to buy things for dinner"...

What the fuck was happening!!!

The kid who can't walk and chew gum and obviously couldn't push the cart and use the calculator was telling ME that the bigger pack of hamburg for her meat cakes was a better buy and I could use the left over for something else...

There was still one snack isle and we hadn't hit the produce yet, which is her favorite...I was almost becoming determined to prove her wrong..I wanted her to have to put something back..make a big decision ..chips or carrots..and when we run out of food and are eating chips and cereal for dinner I could say "I told you so"....I watched her cruise through the isles carefully choosing what she wanted..

We get to the produce which was the last leg..I was not looking at the calculator..I thought for sure she was probably over the limit...she got the rest of what she needed and said she was done...we headed to the check out..past the bakery with the cookies she loves and she didn't even give them a second glance..

As I was loading the items up onto the checkout I was excited for her...I knew she had done her best to make sure she got what she thought was important and I was proud of her for that...

I watched as the girl scanned each thing and when she hit total I was in shock..$152.88!! I told her I was pleased and asked her if she was too..."yes, this was fun and next time I'm clipping coupons!!"

I don't know if will have bare cabinets by Thursday...I don't know if we will be eating captain crunch for dinner one night...but what I do know is, my kid was capable of pulling this off...When they are complaining and eating an complaining and eating they are just being kids...I realized today they are listening deep down inside...Today wasn't just a lesson for Morgan..it taught me something too...even when you think your doing a bad job and your at your wits end with your kids...they are watching and listening to you..Today Morgan taught me I'm not doing such a bad job after all.Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-37107506564395400802013-06-03T16:04:00.000-07:002013-06-03T16:04:23.229-07:00Life isn't always fair...I tell my kids all the time work hard and you will be rewarded...work hard in school...work hard in life...if they don't get a good grade or score a goal in sports...I tell them to work harder at it.

I know all kids are different and all kids have different capabilities...like kids, rewards come in all shapes and sizes and any school or any coach or team should be able to recognize someone working hard..sometimes a reward can just be a pat on the back.

Morgan sees the kids in the student council or maybe it's the honor society or the after school extra curricular clubs and she envies them...They are always talked about by the teachers and they are always accomplishing great things...she doesn't gets chosen for these things in school and thats ok...I tell her she can find something is good at, work hard and be amazing!

If you have been following this page you know Morgan is a creative kid, she was knitting hats and we had a pile we didn't know what to do with. She, wanted to make a million dollars...but her school was having a fundraiser for a new water fountain and it got canceled..so she asked if we could try to sell the hats and give the money to her school.

I have to be honest I was nervous, it's not like she is a professional hat maker..who knows if they would sell..maybe they would fall apart..but some pretty awesome people helped her and all her hats sold.

I contacted the lady running the fundraiser and told her what Morgan had done to raise some money she sent back an email saying thank you... I also sent the same email to the principal and got nothing back..nothing.

Morgan worked hard and donated $70.00 to her school..she was SO PROUD and didn't even get a thank you from her principal...I wrote the check out to the student council and she couldn't wait to hand it in and nobody said anything...they have morning meetings on Monday with the middle schoolers where they discuss the week and give shout outs to the kids that have done something good...she thought FOR SURE it would be mentioned, this would be her time to shine..

I waited all day to hear what was said...I picked her up and the look of disappointment said it all...nobody said a word..her hard work was not recognized like I told her it would be... I tried to tell her it was reward enough that she felt good giving the money and now they ARE going to get the water fountain because of her..

I didn't realize how important being recognized was for her...something that seems so small, might mean the world to someone...she didn't want any prize...she just wanted to feel special...take the time to recognize a kid or co-worker..let them know they are doing a good job or that you appreciate them...It's important...

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-55808643947740658772013-05-02T07:17:00.000-07:002013-05-02T07:17:03.512-07:00Vacations Are A Mother..Ever wondered what it would be like to go on a carefree relaxing vacation...yeah me too. I could probably ask the three people I just traveled with, my husband and our two daughters. Prob like most wives and mom's I get the brunt of the planning and responsibilities...even while on vacation.
But this time, things were supposed to be different.

We just got back from a 9 day trip to St. Maarten..I guess you could say my expectations were high. The girls are older now and they are no strangers to traveling, we have been fortunate enough to visit some great places and give them some wonderful experiences.

Our trip has come and gone and now all I have to hold onto are the memories...If you ask John, Sarah or Morgan..they will all agree they had the time of their lives...if you were to ask me? I might give you another story.

On the flight home I decided I'd come home and write about this vacation and share all the details and all the times my husband slipped into "dick mode" but as I was gathering my thoughts John must have seen something brewing because he pulled me aside. We sat outside the night after we returned home and reflected on our vacation. He knew something was bothering me, and I'm positive he knew it was him.

This page has been a sore spot a few times between he and I. He doesn't understand what it is, why I have it and why I love it so much. He has never even taken the time to visit this page and has never actually read anything I've written.

Yesterday, I had written all the details about this trip to share and I was going to post it. He came home and asked what I was writing and I told him. A panicked look swept across his face. I told him he could read it before I posted it and he said no. I could tell he was upset, maybe a bit mad that I would tell you about how much of a dumb ass he is when we travel. I told him writing is just an outlet for me..I get to connect with people that know what I'm going through..I guess if you don't want me to share and connect with 1,000 people I don't know, then learn how to connect with me yourself.
The panicked look turned to sadness and decided to I to change what I had written.

I recently have had people write and tell me they follow my page because I'm "real" and I'm glad...I don't live a fairy tale and don't want to pretend I do..My husband can be a total selfish jerk and my kids are pretty much A-holes most of the time..but what are ya gonna do?? Pretend like they aren't?? Now that my vacation is over I have to just look back, shake my head and laugh..

What I was going to post yesterday was just one big ridiculously long bitchy rant..did I have a reason to?? ..hell yes I did..but I figured you didn't want to know every little detail so I deleted most of it..and I told John I wouldn't make him look like a complete jackass..He is really able to do that on his own..

On of my biggest complaints from past vacations is the lack of help I get from John..when we travel his brain shuts off and he turns into a bumbling idiot..before I would even think of going anywhere this time I warned him he better snap out of that shit quick..there is nothing worse than going on a big money trip and feeling like it was time wasted. Trust me, I know...he seems to have this way of sucking the life and fun out of most anything we try to do...I totally get he works hard all year long and wants to relax on the beach, his favorite spot...but so do I.

Last time we were there the girls were content pretending they were dolphins jumping waves and building sand castles. Now that they are older, I knew it would be different and I was determined to connect with them on an older level...Zip lining and cruising around in a jeep with the top off was on the list..I wanted to walk around town and shop at the local fruit stands and let them see what others do to make a living..we decided to grocery shop instead of eat out the whole time and they would see how much things cost in another part of the world..and most of all I planned on having the time of our lives.

Even though John did a lot of the cooking and all the dishes..I have yet to experience the "stress free" part of traveling...his response.."don't bring the kids"...Funny thing he doesn't realize, it's not the kids...it's the lack of parental support I get from him. It's also the lack of respect for me and the things I want to do..I'm a very laid back person and I will not rock the boat if they are all having fun..I'm content on a beach for hours watching my kids enjoy the surf and watching them interact with people from other cultures.

But there were a few important things I really needed from him this time. So instead of waiting until we got there and expecting him to know what I needed, I decided to lay it all out before we left...before I even booked this trip I told him he needed to be more involved in the planning part. He is very famous for saying "book whatever you want" and then complaining about what we did or didn't do while we were there....next is the flights..he can't believe it when I book it with a layover and questions it EVERY TIME...this time I made him sit and watch me book the flights..he just thinks that because he's so fucking special that there should be direct flights to anywhere he's going and they should all be free..sorry pal, not the case... Just sitting watching ME book the flights was about all his poor man brain could handle. So it was up to me to do the rest..He is clueless what needs to be done..book a place to stay..rent a car..get directions to all the places you want to go, it's nerve wracking!!

Next I brought up two very important things to me..First sun blocking the kids..when you are in the Caribbean you need lots of sunblock and once again I am always the one who gets to lube up each kid and hope I didn't miss a spot while they are flailing around..then making them get out of the water dry off and reapply their sandy little bodies, is even more fun..specially when your other half is just kickin back enjoying himself with no worries. ..."no problem" he says...great!!

Next issue I have is out of all the trips we have taken..there are NO picture of me anywhere...he just doesn't think to pick up the camera and take any, so I have none...I can show you hundreds of them having a good time, but it's like I wasn't even there. This actually hurts me inside more than anything, he knows how important pictures and memories are to me..your life can change in an instant..so I take tons of pictures to capture the moments spent with my kids. He had no reasons why he never takes pictures and after hearing me tell him how upsetting it is was to me, I know he felt bad. He once again said "no problem" he would take whatever pictures he could and we would have more memories than I could count.

With this all ironed out, I couldn't wait to go!! I brought two brand new bathing suits and a few sun dresses...I told myself I would live outside my comfort zone and enjoy myself no matter what..I couldn't wait for him to see me all dressed up!

We started our journey and I couldn't wait to just be with them and have fun...we get to the airport and everyones brain shuts off..I'm getting three blank stares and I suddenly feel like I'm the only adult...we get on the plane where I sit with one kid and he sits with the other...they come around and hand out forms for customs, one for each person in your family..I look over and he's clueless..so I fill them out.. Morgan (she's sitting with him) wants to go to the bathroom..she wants a drink..she wants the swedish fish we brought and she wants to color..I look over, yup he's still clueless..

After several hours we arrive and I'm looking for him for help...the altitude apparently scrambled his brain cells because he no longer remembers how to do anything....so I find the rental car, dig out the directions and I get us to the condo..while the three stooges sit back and enjoy the ride.

The first couple days of getting adjusted can always be hard for kids..so we tried to take it easy and just get settled...it was obvious to me within the first few days we were back to our old ways...there was no helping with sunblock..there was no enforcing the rules on the beach..I have to give it to him..the guys got mad skills when it comes to shutting out everyone elses needs.

I decided I wasn't going to flip...I would just do what I had done at home and remind him about the things I really needed help with.."no problem" Low and behold Sarah ended up with a sunburned back, mostly because she is 14 and wanted to apply her own sunblock and second because when I told her to reapply she pretty much gave me the finger and dopey laid on his towel and pretended he was deaf...

By day 4, I was starting to feel the anger build..and once again I get the three blank stares and they all look at me like I'm the psycho bitch vacation ruiner from hell...After arguing with my now crispy teen, yes about sunblock!! I snapped, and before I knew it the sunblock was leaving my hand and hurling straight for her...yup thats right, I threw it at her. We really didn't have many problems after that, with the sunblock.

We visited all the beaches they wanted..we snorkeled and shopped...we went to the market and we enjoyed sunsets by the pool..John, Morgan and I zip lined through the trees, Sarah didn't want to so she sat and read a book...I got some nice pictures of them all having a great time...

But where was I?? I was holding the camera..the passports...the money..the back pack...the sunblock..the keys to the condo and I drove the jeep the entire time while reading the directions that were in french so we could get where they wanted to go...Like any mom, your happy when your kids are happy and it's great to watch them have a good time..but when is it your turn??

The first time I threw on a new bathing suit and dress, it was the first time in a long time I really felt good about how I looked...I'm not sure what type of reaction I was expecting from John..his eyes popping out or maybe a little drool..I don't know...but what I didn't expect was no reaction at all..nope nothing...

I reminded him several times about the pictures I'd wanted to get...him and I on the beach (I have one morgan took) me with the kids and the kids in the jeep..."we have plenty of time" he'd say....I ended up with 4 pictured of myself on this trip..one Morgan took..one John took of the back of my head and two I took of myself with my phone..

By the time we got home I was fed up and completely aggravated..not a fun way to end your trip...As we sat out on the steps the other night, through tears I told him how disappointed I was. Not with the trip, but with him...I don't know why he acts like he does when we travel..when he clearly knew all I wanted were pictures and memories I could share and look back on...he knew this and couldn't do it for me..It's also sad that if I were to put up the ONE picture of myself on the beach in a bathing suit, you guys would all cheer me on and say something nice...people I don't even personally know are my biggest cheer leaders..and the one person I need it from the most remains clueless.

Being a mom and a wife can be hard...being a mom and a wife to a selfish prick while on vacation, is even harder.

( I will add a photo album to my page and share the pictures of the trip if anyone wants to check them out)

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-90695934700446089142013-03-20T09:14:00.000-07:002013-03-20T09:14:14.041-07:00Sarah

 Hey Sarah remember the other day when we were in the mall and you were annoyed at that little bratty kid screaming and his mother was dragging him by the arms with the look of defeat and I was laughing?? I was laughing because that was YOU.

Watching that young mom sweating and gritting her teeth while trying to keep it together was me 13 yrs ago. Some days I though I was going to have to sell you to the gypsies...little did I know those would be some of the best memories of my life.

From the day I found out I was pregnant to the night my water broke..to when they actually let me leave the hospital with an actual human baby..I had no idea what I was doing.

You were cute yet challenging and I swear you were plotting against me all times..weather it was you waking up suddenly and screaming for what seemed like an eternity while I was trying to take a shower or you puking in the car seat when we had to be somewhere, you always had your own agenda.

Toddlerhood...You didn't just have the terrible two's..you had terrible 3's, 4's, & 5's...you were so stubborn...but I'd give anything to hear your little voice say "Sawah"

I remember your first real booboo, the first time you were sick and how you always wanted to be in your underwear dancing (yes I have that on video)...you could go from sweet to sour in an instant.

I've said "Sarah No" more times that I can count and kissed your face just as many times..

 Today you are far from that Bratty toddler (well sometimes) and I am proud to say not only did we both survive the last 14 years..but I didn't screw you up as bad I though I was..no seriously..

You are smart and sweet..beautiful and amazing..talented and persuasive (not enough to get your long board early) funny and sarcastic..witty and sassy and you still have the ability to push me to the brink of insanity in 60 sec or less.

You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me..I am beyond proud to call you my
daughter.

 I love you more than anything else in this world.

Love, MomAshley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-31943920041358805852013-02-23T06:56:00.002-08:002013-02-23T06:58:41.663-08:00Just a normal day

Here I sit once AGAIN in front of my computer screen..type delete..type delete..I've been trying to put into words what it can feel like on daily basis to have thyroid issues...The first day I sat down to write, I ended up in tears and had to walk away...the second day, every time I sat down I became side tracked and forgot why I was sitting here..and the third day I just went for it and typed..teared..and swore.

Today when I logged on to read what I had written..I quickly deleted the entire thing and thought holy shit, if I post this people are going to think I'm insane...

There have been times when even thought I was going insane. Other days, I think I'll definitely GO insane if I have to feel like this for one more damned day!!

I can only speak for myself when I describe how I feel and everyday is different..One of the biggest problems for me is, a lot of the symptoms I have can also be caused by other things in your daily life..so I feel like I never know WHY I feel the way I do.

If you look up depression and thyroid symptoms, they are a lot alike..people have wound up on unnecessary medications because of this..

Anxiety..irritability...jittery...SUCKS!!

The biggest issue I have right now is what the doctor likes to call "Brain Fogg" and lucky for me there's nothing they can do about it...there are some days when I'm super productive and other days when even if I have a list in front of me I can't get a single thing done..

Are my meds off?? Or is it just everyday life stress that's got me down today...a constant question in my mind.

dry skin..hair loss..fatigue...I HATE IT!!

Today I feel fat..tomorrow I might feel skinny...there's nothing worse than working out at the gym all week long for years only to have your meds change and then BOOM so do you...I can't imagine what I would look like if I didn't work out daily...and you know what? Some days I just don't want to...

Sometimes I look at women with the small frame and shiny bouncing pony tail and can't help think..before my thyroid came out..that was me..now I can't grow my hair..it's dry and would be totally gray if I didn't color it. I fluctuate in weight no matter what I do!! FUCK YOU!!!

I was recently trying to explain this to a close friend...she has very long hair and I said Imagine one day your doctor tells you, you HAVE to shave your head...you have NO CHOICE...and shaving your head will take you completely out or your "normal" you will feel cold.. you will feel odd..and you will feel ugly.

But get ready and suck it the hell up because there's NOTHING you can do about it.

Weight gain...weight loss..is all part of the game, the game the doctors play with my life when trying to find the right dose...I get to sit and wait the seven weeks till the next blood draw and hope by the end of it I feel better and not worse..

Sometimes I feel like I'm controlled by that little blue pill that I have to take before I go to bed..and thats IF I remember to take it..most mornings when I wake up and stare at the bottle I have no memory of taking it at all..post it notes and lists are my best friends and sometimes I even forget what I'm writing down AS I'm writing it.

Somedays I feel like I'm being drugged.

Maybe if I go to bed earlier...work out harder...eat less...my body will be what I want it to be...I mentally abuse the shit out of myself daily with this...

To look at a person with thyroid issues you can't tell there's anything wrong...smiling through the emotional pain of not being able to accomplish what I want today because I'm too tired or today I have severe muscle weakness and poor coordination IS HARD!!

My husband doesn't get it...I'm pretty sure my kids don't understand...and I'm just trying to live and be happy..

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-82431690310453164662013-01-31T08:48:00.000-08:002013-01-31T08:48:22.620-08:00Life after CancerI posted a status on facebook the other day and I got a lot of different responses..The ones who really got what I was trying to say, are the ones who have been there and are living life after cancer. I'm not saying people who haven't had cancer can't relate, but it really is a whole different way of life.

What sparked my thinking about this was a conversation I'd had with my husband..I didn't mean to throw him under the bus in my post, actually my post wasn't even about me.. He and I had been talking about a person we know that has a lot of medical things going on. Things I try to understand but it's hard because these medical things have become this person's life. What I mean is, this person lives to talk about their medical issues and my husband was saying this person loves the attention for these medical issues.

So that prompted something to come up about my page..he doesn't understand the whole blogging thing and doesn't understand why I share what I do with people I have never even met..I've tried to explain to him it's all about the support and helping each other with questions and so on...And he said, if he were to ever have cancer or anything else he wouldn't want attention for it. And it hit me..he has it all wrong..

Did I love the support and kind thoughts while I was waiting and worrying about tests..of course..But the support I love the most is people being supportive of who I am now..who I have become after having cancer.

When I went through my thyroidectomy and radioactive iodine, it was a blur..I had a 3 yr old and a brand new baby..I barely had time to reflect on what was happening..then over the years, after it was over it became part of the past...The people around you probably think oh thank god it's over, she's cancer free and everything is great...But nobody realizes how much something like that changes you.

I can honestly say I am not the same person I was before, and it's taken me 11 yrs to realize it and now I'm finally accepting it...it's hard. To have an invisible internal yuckiness that nobody else can see or feel sucks. I have tried to look at the bright side and think I'm lucky I'm alive, yeah I know...but living life trying to feel comfortable in your own skin is difficult.

My husband doesn't get what a struggle it's been to accept the person I have become since cancer...he just doesn't understand...I used to have long beautiful shiny hair, now it's thin frizzy and I have to keep it short because it doesn't grow...I used to be very thin and have tons of energy..that ship surely has sailed..these are hard things to get over, I struggle with my body everyday.

I never know what my day will be like..will I be tired..will I be anxious...will I be angry..will I be able to suck it up again today..hell ya I always do..but it's not always enjoyable....I guess in the past several years I'd gotten into such a rut I'd forgotten who I really was and who I want to be..

So my response to my husband was, It's not about the attention because I had cancer..the cancer part is over..it's about the encouragement on living life after. The support I've gotten on who I am now, thats what has been so great and important to me...

I've been doing things I didn't even think I'd ever do and I get to share them with all of you guys..my wonderful awesome supporters..

So if I can do it, so can you...share, ask, tell..do what makes you happy and don't be afraid to be the new wonderful and amazing you...

Just because a persons cancer is gone, doesn't mean they feel better...yes support them during the bad times but being there afterwards for all the good times is just as important.Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-12322831959584922992013-01-07T10:48:00.000-08:002013-01-07T10:48:53.363-08:00Russian RouletteWhen I get stressed I clean...so let's just say my house is spotless right now....during the last week I've gone through so many emotions and thoughts...my brain was a foggy mess and I felt like I couldn't breathe at times...suck suck suck.

On the morning of my ultra sound my worry was gone..I was finally going to find out whats going on in there and we could move on from there...good or bad...I wouldn't be stuck wondering anymore..The ultra sound tech was quiet and she took a long time..and I could see her getting pictures of every little lymph node in there...was this good?? or was this bad??

Of course being a Friday I didn't get a call and had to wait out the weekend...we kept busy snowmobiling with the kids and had some drinks by the fire outside...but it was always still in the back of my mind...eating away at my gut..

So here it is Monday morning and everyone got off to their day as usual..and I'm left wondering what that ultra sound tech saw..when will they call..what will they say??

I decided I didn't want to wait nay longer so I called them..secretly hoping for voice mail so I could prolong the results a bit longer...The receptionist answered and I told her why I was calling...she paused and said hang on..30 sec later she comes back on and says "oh we were just going to call you" Ugh ok great..shit shit shit...just say it lady..."I'm looking at your results"

I could almost hear her smile...and she said "EVERYTHING CAME BACK CLEAR!!!"

Oh Thank God!!! ..waiting for results after you have had cancer feels like russian roulette...cancer is one sick bastard...I can breathe again until next time...Today I got lucky..

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-89959894008642133552013-01-03T08:46:00.000-08:002013-01-03T08:46:00.048-08:00worrying won't change a thing..It's been days of not being able to get anything done...my brain and focus are on other things..my health..my future..my life..

If your just joining this page or maybe you haven't read through all the blogs...let me bring you up to speed..

11 yrs ago, while pregnant with my second daughter, they found a lump... I had thyroid cancer...It was somewhat of a bumpy ride at first but you learn to deal...I've dealt with the ups and downs of not having a thyroid for the past 11 yrs and it hasn't been easy..

During an appointment back in Oct 2011 my endocrinologist decided out of the blue she wanted one more ultra sound before she gave me the free and clear...after all I'd made it to the 7 yr mark and then to the 10!! I'm not sure why she wanted this last test..but I'm glad I agreed...They found what they are calling malignant "looking" lymph nodes in my neck...Not to panic she said..lymph nodes can look strange for a number of reasons and turn out to be nothing...maybe that would be fine for a person who's never heard the words..."You have cancer"

Before I ever had cancer I never in a million years thought I'd EVER hear those words...even the day I got my results I sat in that office feeling on top of the world... and cancer has taken that from me...I will never go to an appointment and not worry...I may have been cancer free for the past 11 yrs...but I will never be free from cancer..it will always be there..in the back of my mind.

Tomorrow I will go for my follow up ultra sound to check and see if those lymph nodes have gone back to normal...and then I will go from there...I know worrying won't change a thing...I tell myself there is nothing I can do...yet my mind won't let me think of anything else...

I know whatever the outcome everything will be ok...

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-86402049349747246022012-12-07T08:48:00.000-08:002012-12-07T08:48:13.109-08:00Signs Coming up on the holidays can bring many emotions and memories...

I am probably the most unreligious person you will ever meet...I'm not saying I don't believe, I just don't know exactly what I believe in...As I've said before I'm not very superstitious either...However I have said I think things happen for a reason...but I don't think EVERYTHING happens for a reason just some things if you keep your mind open...I look at these things as signs.

I don't see the into the future or see ghosts, but what I do see are things that relate to my life at that moment...A song that relates to a situation your currently in and lifts your spirits...an unexpected pregnancy that led them to finding my cancer in the early stages...a shooting star on the day my mother went into surgery for her own cancer and also on the night my grandmother died...I've also seen shooting stars when I've been under extreme stress and felt relief thinking it was a "sign" things would be okay and guess what, they were...

We all get busy and ignore certain things around us...I am guilty of this...I tend to yes my kids to death during conversations and only half listen...I tend to hurry the people along at work and maybe not fully hear what they are saying...

Sharing this blog was the first time my kids really heard of me having cancer...my oldest daughter Sarah asked if she could read the blogs and I said yes..she also follows my page and comments here and there to my posts...My youngest Morgan on the other hand doesn't have a clue..she knows I take medication for my thyroid but probably never fully understood why...I've always felt a special connection between Morgan and myself because if it wasn't for her my diagnosis could have been much worse..

I've been trying to find the right words to bring this up to her..but what do you say?? I always find the best time to talk to my kids is in the car yet every time I had the opportunity something got in the way...then I noticed that the same god damn song kept coming on, a song I didn't like so I kept switching it...

I was driving Morgs to school the other morning and she was going on and on about how many days left until Christmas and how many school days left until winter break....I'm trying to focus through school traffic and her chatter and that song comes on..I didn't switch it this time and I hear the words...The song is by Swedish House Mafia and the lyrics say "don't worry child...see heavens got a plan for you"...A sign??

So I decided to tell Morgan that there is another special day in December other than Christmas...she asked me what it was..and I said "Dec 12th..the day I had my surgery and the doctor took out my cancer" ...She said "You had cancer?" I told her I did but it's gone now and because of her they found it..she looked puzzled..So I said "you might have saved me from getting very sick and thats why you've heard me call you my guardian angel".....She didn't say anything and we were pulling into the school...So I said "isn't that cool, your like a super hero"....Thats when she turned and smiled and she said " No I'm not..I had nothing to do with it...God sent me"

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-31366051676910694282012-11-20T09:35:00.001-08:002012-11-20T09:39:59.068-08:00Finding happinessYesterday I sat down and starting writing a blog...it was more like a bitching blog gone wild...I touched base on a lot of things I deal with on a daily basis as far as the struggle in my head with my body and the different effects of medication changes etc...

Sharing is great...but what a downer that blog was turning into....it was actually making me more pissed off the more I wrote...Lately I have been feeling down about all the changes that I go through and how it's been a very long road and some days I am just done...

I don't feel like the same person I was 11 yrs ago and I was mad...I was remembering all the energy I used to have...the long shiny hair I had...and yes how thin I used to be...some days I just cannot get used to who I am now...how could this be my fate...

Then I started reading all the comments left for me and it just brings happy tears to my eyes...words like strong..courageous...amazing...all these nice words from people that I've never met and some I have...I'll take fabulously amazing over long hair any day!!

 I decided to chuck that bitchy blog on the back burner and look at what I have now...not what I have lost...

I have a husband who loves me and my body...makes me a fresh pot of coffee every day and leaves me notes...

I have had been able to give my kids some wonderful life experiences and I'm looking forward to many many more...we are happy and healthy and I'll take it...

I appreciate being able the share this more than you know...thank you readers..for keeping me in check...

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-86304126595845970192012-11-08T18:54:00.000-08:002012-11-08T18:54:16.070-08:00thinking thoughtsEvery year coming up on Morgan's birthday I get this feeling...I get all sentimental and reminisce...I look at all my pictures and watch old home movies of the kids when they were babies...I love it!! My husband on the other hand has a difficult time...he gets emotional remembering how hard it was...

Today I was looking at pictures... looking at some really young ones of them....just smiling away...not knowing what I was going through....they never knew...how would they...they were to little...I'm amazed now.. thinking...how did I accomplish that...

I did however come across the very first portrait I had taken of Morgan and one of them together. ... I've always hated these pictures...I've never told anyone this...

Morgan was 5 days old and I was approaching my surgery... I packed them up on an insanely cold day and took them both to the mall...I didn't have a double stroller yet, so Sarah had to walk and wined the entire time...I bought Morgan an outfit and took the tags off... Sarah was dressed in a hand me down dress from my niece...I changed Morgan on the bench outside of Sears...I remember two old women sitting across from me watching me struggle..I looked like hell..not showered..tired..in sweats..no makeup...

I took them into Sears and had their portraits done...I remember the looks when I told them Morgan was only 5 days old...typically you wait until your baby is smiling and all cute to take them for pictures...Morgan was still all red and wrinkly...It was more of a chore instead of fun....The memory of this is hard....I took them for pictures that day because... If I didn't.. who would've .. if I died...I wanted the memory for them...not me...

Looking at these pictures today I can smile...because I'm still here...I've made it... and have a ton more pictures and memories to reflect on...each milestone, a celebration...not only because it's something we did....but because I was here to do it...

Every birthday cake...every school picture...I made it...yes!!...My kids don't realize even now why I'm emotional when I am... like being in Disney on the dumbo ride with fireworks going off...crying in John's arms thinking thank god I'm here for this...for them.. I cannot imagine being without them...better yet.. them being without me...

It's weird to think they had no idea of what was going on around them...it's scary to think how aware they would be if this were to happen again now...As a parent you would go to the ends of the earth to make sure your kids didn't suffer or worry...I went to the edge of hell and back and I made sure they had no clue...

I said it before, I'm not into the sappy crap...like... everyday is a gift....Live everyday likes it's your last...blah blah....don't dwell on the past..yadda yadda....don't sweat the small stuff....all those sayings...I don't believe in them....but weather you try to live by these or not...life happens..and it moves forward with or without you...whatever it throws at me... I will take it...

After I went through all of this I became ridiculously controlling...feeling like everything had to be perfect....recently during my last appointment....I got a reality check....none of that shit matters...the dishes in the sink can wait...go out to lunch with friends instead...How many times have you blown off a birthday party but made it to a funeral...Yeah...I'll take a funny picture of my kids any day over the perfect one...

You know I actually forget the point of this entire blog...I can't even remember what I was going to write or how it was going to end...But that's life...you just never know...Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-36942953340284210142012-11-04T06:19:00.000-08:002012-11-04T06:19:09.903-08:00Thank youThanks for reading my story and thank you for your kind words....I decided to write this blog mostly for myself....just to get out what I've held in....I didn't think anyone would read it and I was surprised when people wanted to read more...I've never written anything before...but I guess I had a lot to say...

I know there are people out there that aren't so lucky..there are adults and children that have endured months of chemo...I guess thats what got me through.. thinking...it could always be worse.

 I said before life doesn't stop because you have something like cancer... you just have to pick up the pieces and keep going...I guess until now I never had the chance to reflect on what I went through...Writing this was hard in a few spots...it took me a few times to even be able to read it out loud...but sharing it felt great..

The support that I have gotten while sharing this has been amazing...when your going through something like this it's hard to talk about it....your living it...I didn't want to constantly dwell on it and one of my biggest problems was I didn't want to burden or worry anyone else...through all this I've had up days and down days...I've felt alone..overwhelmed...beaten down..unattractive...this takes a toll you after a while....I wish now I had reached out to someone that new what I was going through...

But now after writing this...my eyes have been opened by all you awesome readers...I've gotten some wonderful comments and some messages thanking ME for writing...thanking ME for sharing...
I've had people say things like "amazing"....inspiration"... "strong"....And they are talking about ME!!....I'm blown away...All this time I've never thought of myself as being any of these things...

So I'm giving this facebook page thing a try....please share it...if it helps just one person...I will be happy...maybe it will just help me..who knows...My sister over at "The crumb diaries" has connected with tons of mom's of special needs kids...I hope we can all do the same here...share you story with me if you want...give advice ...get advice...post a question...You don't have be sick or have cancer to be on here...and I promise it won't be all about medical issues....If you know me AT ALL you know I have TONS of crap to post..blog..and rant about...

If you don't know me yet...I am Ash...I'm a wife...a mom...and a cancer survivor...You can read my previous blogs right here....I just went back to school and I'm now working as an Lna after being home with my kids their entire lives...a weekly date night with my husband keeps me sane and reminds me of why I love him so much...we have two daughters ages 14 & 10...and at the moment we have 5 cats..

You guys are fantastic....I look forward to sharing more...good things of course.....xoxo AshleyAshley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-8482226700777033612012-11-01T05:39:00.000-07:002012-11-14T03:38:59.011-08:00Damn you thyroid of steel...Sadly at this point my thyroid of steel became a joke at the doctors office...But honestly if I didn't laugh.. I wanted to cry....We celebrated Morgan's first birthday.... then the anniversary of my surgery came and went......we got through the holidays.... then it was time to gear up for round 3....Off my meds I went....this time it really felt like no big deal...and it was an even smaller dose...

The girls loved staying with my parents...so that part was not a problem...the problem this time was, my parents lived in mass...we lived in maine...and John was going away snowmobiling for a few days..exactly the same time I'd be radio active....I didn't want to stay home alone and I couldn't stay at my parents because of the kids....soooo I went on an ALL guys snowmobile trip with John....what an experience that turned out to be....I was the running joke the entire time...Hey Ash are you glowing?? Hey Ash can you come stand next to my food and heat it up??? Hey John when you kiss her does she spark...hahaha... very funny guys!!

Like the other times the first day or so I was okay..but by the third day I was miserable...I sucked it up and did what I had to do so John still enjoyed his guys trip....the guys took good care of me and knew what I was going through...they didn't care if I wanted to pull over for a break...or go to bed early....
 we still laugh about me tagging along it to this day....

I don't remember going back for another scan....I don't remember much about the meds after that last treatment..I remember being frustrated about how I still felt..now 25 yrs old...I felt fat...depressed...worn down...I felt like I was someone I wasn't supposed to be....I actually remember just saying fuck it and not going back to the endocrinologist for a while....I'm not sure if it was because I didn't want to get any more bad news..or if I just needed a break....

When I moved to New Hampshire.... I found an endocrinologist in Hampton who was pretty good and much closer for blood work...but this guy was more into the diabetes side of the endocrine system so he didn't really do much for me and was constantly changing my doses...and every time something about my dose changed...I changed.....weight gain/ weight loss..anxiety..depression..fatigue..hair loss..etc...

Lucky for me this endocrinologist moved his practice and he was replaced by a lady..I still see her and really like her a lot...she's awesome and takes me very seriously and most importantly listens to what I have to say...she is also very thorough ...she has kept up with my blood work and ultra sounds...I have my blood drawn every 7 weeks and she calls me and lets me know the results right away...

During an appointment last May....she was saying how surprised she was that I can tolerate the amount of medication I take....so she wanted me to give her the run down on when I take my meds....When do you take your medication??... In the morning....what do you take it with??.. My coffee...what do you put in your coffee??...Cream...did you know cream has calcium in it and that will block your medication???... Nope I didn't....how long have you been taking your meds this way??
10 yrs!!!

So I had been taking my meds with something that blocked the absorption and depending on how much coffee I drank each morning and how much cream I dumped in... it was always a crap shoot on the amount of medication my body was getting!!!!

All these years and they never asked and I never knew how in the world my levels where constantly off....So let's fix this...sounds easy right??? WRONG!!!

 Basically they calculate your meds on your weight...so I should be taking roughly 108mcg (micrograms) per day...I have been taking almost 200mcg daily....so since May I have changed my schedule....I now take my meds at night....now every time I have my blood drawn my levels are through the roof..because I don't have anything blocking it anymore...she has been changing the dose very slowly...taking a half of tab away at a time... I wait 7 weeks on the new dose and then they check...it's been long and stressful and every blood draw I'm excited to hear the results...but so far every time has been another medication change and another 7 long weeks of feeling like total shit...

The last medication change was the worst..I called and begged to be seen...I explained how awful I felt...They were sorry but I'd have to wait out the 7 weeks until it leveled out and they could check the bloodwork...I swear it was the longest 7 weeks I've had in a long time....It's harder now to hide it....I get moody and tired...I have a hard time focusing on simple things like helping my kids with homework... I swear sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet...

 Finally it was time for my bloodwork...she also called and said she would like to schedule an ultrasound.....ok sure...

Two weeks ago I had my bloodwork and ultrasound... going to the ultrasound I felt uneasy...I can't explain why...I just did...They took me right in and I laid down...having them press on your neck with that stupid thing sucks...It's hard not to swallow...we went over my history and I noticed she was spending more time and taking more pictures of a certain spot...she called in another person and the mood changed...I fought back the tears and tried to breath...I'm reading into this I know it...it was over and I remember her saying that they would have the radiologist read this right away and my doctor would have the results by the morning....results of what?? wasn't this just a routine ultra sound??... My husband told me to relax...my friends said don't worry....I never got a call so I figured no news was good news....

It's so easy for people to simply say "don't worry...things will be fine"...after they tell you these words and even though they really do mean it...their life goes on...they are not waiting...wondering....worrying I will not be relieved until I hear there is nothing in there....I'm not saying that waiting for results aren't hard on everyone....but I think the anticipation of results is a bit more intense for someone who's had cancer.....every time I'm sick for a long time...every pain that doesn't go away...every weird unexplained symptom... I'm not gonna lie....I think oh shit it's come back to finish it's job...it's come back to get me...I don't know if I'll ever be worry free of this...ever...

In 28 days the little person that was growing in my belly when that lump was found will be 11...it's been almost 11 yrs!! Some days I look back and cannot believe it....some days it seems like yesterday....it was a crazy experience....that is for sure...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

The past 11 yrs haven't always revolved around this...it's something I've learned to deal with and live with everyday....I've been healthy and fortunate enough to travel with my husband and kids...we snowmobile in the winter and camp in the summer...After being a stay at home mom and doing daycare out of my home I recently went back to school and now work as an LNA...life is good!!

Last week I showed up for my appointment....First thing is step on the scale....I'd lost a few lbs...always a good thing in my book...the nurse rooms me and takes my blood pressure and asks how I am feeling....I tell her crappy and she writes down everything I say....finally my adorable little doctor comes in....she sits and says ...well what do you think I'm going to tell you??... I say..my meds have got to be off I feel like crap ....she tells me I'm correct.....go figure....so we decrease once again and wait...

Moving on...she brings up the ultra sound....I can feel my eyes start to water and burn..deep breaths...and then she says it...They found malignant looking lymph nodes on the same side they found my tumor.....she went on to say that the cancer markers in my blood are non detectable and that is very positive...lymph nodes can looks weird for a number of reasons so there's no need to panic...we will have more blood work in 7 weeks and a follow up ultra sound in a few months...have a nice day...

I cried all the way home...I took some time off from work and changed my schedule a little bit...I'm trying not to let this worry take over...waiting sucks..medication sucks..blood work sucks...cancer sucks

 I know a lot of people that have read this didn't know any of it....it's not something you just meet someone and share...Hi my name is Ash and I had cancer...no it's not like that...although I'm not bothered by my scar and don't mind talking about this...it's not a trophy..for me it's a painful reminder..

I've also had people that are very close to me ask themselves..where was I??..what the hell was I doing when you were going through this??...well I have asked myself the same things...why didn't I share more?? ..why didn't I ask for more help???...I think during tough times you go into survival mode..and I was probably doing just that...surviving..

I believe everything happens for a reason...I never did before until I got diagnosed with cancer...I don't think I got cancer for a reason.. I think I got pregnant for a reason...If I had never gotten pregnant..they may not have found the lump....maybe not until it was to late ...do I think I had the best cancer ever??...NO...but I do think it could have been a lot worse...
 I believe I got my guardian angel early...her name is Morgan

Morgan 1st birthday

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-77795958568569614622012-10-26T17:12:00.001-07:002012-10-26T17:12:52.061-07:00Treatment~Round TwoWhile my kids were happy to have me home and the baby was growing and thriving..I felt like I was dying...Was I?? Honestly I didn't know....I had crazy symptoms and didn't know how to deal with them....I was a person that was never sick, never saw the doctor, didn't take medications....and now all of a sudden I as doing all of the above...

After the first round of Radioactive iodine I didn't really feel the effects until later on...I started losing hair..I couldn't lose the baby weight....I was tired...I felt aggravated all the time....I was jittery and high strung and even though I was tired I couldn't sleep...And most of all I was mad as hell that I felt this way....I was the type of mother that would have dropped anything for a walk to the park...I had patience for silly things and loved being a mom...All sudden I wasn't that person anymore..it took all I had just to get out of bed in the morning..

To look at me you would have never know anything was wrong...it was all internal...I remember John being upset that I had no sex drive...I remember Sarah being confused on why I didn't want to push her on the swings for the 500th time...and when Morgan would cry in the middle of the night I remember thinking just go to fucking sleep!!

Life doesn't stop when you have cancer....some days you just have to suck it the fuck up because there are people counting on you...I had two little people that depended on me...I remember one day calling John and just snapping....I couldn't take the stress anymore....I hated everything and everyone...That day I made myself a doctors appointment because I knew I needed help...My regular Doctor could not see me so I saw his nurse...I walked in with Morgan and sat down and could barely speak...the emotions took over and I broke down..She asked me if there was someone she could call...Yes, call my sister...and she did...what I didn't realize is this nurse new nothing about what I'd just been through..she saw me and a brand new baby and make a quick judgement...she thought I was a young overwhelmed mother that possibly had postpartum depression...she was calling my sister to come get Morgan...did she really think I'd hurt my own baby???

I was pissed and after explaining why I was there...she said to go back to the hospital in burlington, she would call ahead and have someone waiting for me...thank god!! I took the girls to my parents for the night and went to the hospital E.R....when I walked in and told them my name..they had in fact been waiting for me...They gave me a room, took my vitals and took some blood...and then they walked in...A crisis management team...Are you serious?? Oh they were very serious, and they looked at me like I was nuts...They asked me a million questions and watched my reactions...have you taken any drugs..Does radio active iodine count?? Have you gone through any trauma...Just found out I had cancer!!.. All that didn't seem to matter to them...why weren't they listening to me....Would you ever hurt your children...I remember saying noway and crying feeling defeated....why are you crying?? why are you so emotional?? Well wouldn't you be???

They told me they had to leave and go and discuss with their team of crazy's weather or not I could go home....I wished I'd never come...I was just looking for help....about an hour later the E.R. doctor came in and said "I'm so sorry" ...why was I being committed??.. No they had finally gotten my lab results and my thyroid level was through the roof....what had happened was...when I had the radioactive iodine and the thyroid was destroyed it released all of the thyroid hormone into my body...I wasn't crazy...I had 3 times the normal amount of thyroid hormone in my body...I left with some ativan instead of a straight jacket...

So after that nightmare things settled down and leveled out and I began taking medication...I couldn't do the second radioactive iodine treatment right away, there had to be several months in between...I felt pretty good, normal....the kids were awesome..Morgan by this time was sitting up and Sarah was smart as a whip...we were hanging out with friends and it felt good...until it was time for the next treatment...in order for my thyroid to suck up the iodine I had to go off my meds...the meds that kept my energy level up...the meds that kept my hair growing..the meds that kept me feeling sane...I had to go off of them for 4 weeks...I can do this..I had to...It was a fight everyday...I'd never been tired...I'd never been depressed..I was the person that would have dropped everything and jumped in her car and driven 100 miles to nowhere just for the adventure...and now I could barely make it out of my driveway...

I made it through the 4 weeks of no meds and once again had the radioactive iodine...this time it was a lesser dose and I only had to be away from the girls for 5 days....John was working at an airport in Maine so instead of being alone in the house I decided to go with him..I was happy to get away...but this time it hit me a hell of a lot harder than last time...not only did I have no meds in my system.. this was killing off the last bit of working thyroid I had...I remember not wanting to be by myself and John not wanting to leave me in the hotel...so he wrapped me up in a blanket and I sat in his truck on the runway while he worked...I slept most of the time and I did some reading...I was pale and weak and my neck hurt this time...this was the first time I felt like a sick person..

I couldn't wait to get home to the girls and get back on my meds...at least now with my thyroid totally gone there would be no worry....it took a long time to regulate my meds but I was feeling better...my hair didn't come back the same.. it was thin, dry and turning grey at the age of 24...I didn't drop all my baby weight and I was used to being very thin...this was hard for me to get used to...but I felt better....I got a bit of a break and enjoyed the summer...we actually moved to Maine where John was working and getting away was awesome!! I did commute the 3 hours back and fourth for appointments because I didn't want to change doctors...but we would make it a sleepover at meme and papas and all was pretty good...

It was coming up on a year since the surgery..I couldn't believe Morgan was turning a year old...she was a great baby..laid back and super sweet...And Sarah was the mayor of our house..she called the shots..I was enjoying every minute of being with them...

At my doctors appointment she said it was time to get a routine scan...but my meds would need tweaking so I could be injected with a small amount of iodine... whatever cells, if any where left they would absorb the iodine....bring it on!!

It was winter and the only things I can remember about being off my meds were constantly being freezing cold and gaining weight...I showed up for the scan and it was just like before...been there done that...I got this!!

Then I got a call....Ding Ding..round 3 of radio active iodine had been ordered

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-36519372911314000142012-10-26T10:14:00.001-07:002014-12-11T03:36:42.604-08:00Recovery~Diagnosis~treatment

"Good Morning Sunshine" are the first words I heard upon waking up from surgery in the elevator heading to recovery...I remember only being able to keep my eyes open for seconds at a time...I remember being in so much pain and not being able to talk to tell anyone....the nurses however were great...every time they would see me start to wake up they would come and hit my morphine and I'd be out like light..

I didn't realize till later that I laid there for nearly 5 hours after surgery...It had been a long day for my mother and John in the waiting room..They let my mom in to see me and then she went back home to be with the girls..John came in after and I remember them making him leaving because he kept asking me questions and they didn't want me to talk...

I finally got to go upstairs to my room...John was there and I had awesome nurses..At this point I was wide awake and able to talk a little bit..I was starving and wanted to eat..chicken broth and jello was all I was allowed and I promptly threw it all up the minute it hit my stomach...They told me I should get up and walk around..I never realized how much my neck muscles did until that day...I could barely roll over in bed and they wanted me to walk up and down the halls, really?? I did what they said and walked to the vending machine so John could get a snack and started to pass out..It was scary..I remember having to sit down and then dry heaving on the floor...I was embarrassed and John had to carry me back to my room..

My night's sleep sucked, they put those boots on my feet that filled up with air and every time they did I'd wake up....I couldn't roll over or get comfortable... John slept in the chair next to my bed...The next morning was miserable..but I was going home!! I will never forget John actually complaining about having a stiff neck from sleeping in that chair....are you kidding me!!!...YOU have a stiff neck???

I had a surprise visit from the surgeon before being discharged...He wanted to tell me in person that he did in fact leave the left half of my thyroid gland inside me. The lump was looked at in the operating room by a pathologist and looked like it was just a goiter..it would be sent out for further testing...He said with this half of my thyroid being left inside my body I had a much better chance at not having to be on medication for the rest of my life...He acted like he did me a huge favor....so I was grateful..

Driving home was excruciating....I swear John hit every bump possible...I arrived home and my couch had been pulled out and made into a bed where I would stay so I could watch t.v....I was pretty much out of it..on a lot of pain medication...I couldn't get up by myself and could barely eat....I don't remember how many days it was until I saw the girls...when I did finally get to see them it was painful emotionally and physically....I was to sore to hold Morgan and every time Sarah would jump, hug or try to snuggle me, it hurt..I wasn't able to fully care for them by myself for about a week and a half..

Aside from recovering and trying to get better so I could have the kids home...Christmas was coming!! And between having a baby and having surgery, I hadn't done any shopping at all...I remember saying screw it and driving to walmart..my mom yelling at me because they had told me not to drive for 2 weeks..oh well...I remember standing in the toy aisle in so much pain, fighting back the tears and then leaving the toy filled cart there and going home...I was finally able to convince John we needed to go to the mall...We didn't have a lot of money so I asked Sarah if she could have anything what would it be?? She wanted a giant winnie the pooh...I was on a mission and found her one at the disney store..Now I couldn't wait until christmas morning!

Christmas was great!! Every year my parents would put on an open house with tons of food and tons of people...I would be able to dress the girls up and I think it was the first time I put on real clothes since having Morgan..I remember wearing a turtle neck because I didn't want anyone to see my neck and ask about it...After all I was heading to the Doctors the very next day and it would all be behind me..so let's enjoy this night with friends and family...

My follow up appointment was the day after Christmas..it was also the first time I'd be taking both kids out with me..my mom came too...My first follow up was with the endocrinologist.. my follow up with the surgeon was a few days later...I was thankful I'd made it through this and I was looking forward to putting this behind me and being able to get back into a routine with the girls...We sat in the room and waited for the doctor....she appeared with a folder in her hand and asked me if I'd seen the surgeon yet? Nope I hadn't..."I just pulled your pathology results off the computer" She said...wonderful..lay it on me....And then she said it....It was cancer...

I remember panicking and immediately crying..My mom shushing me because she needed to hear what this lady was saying..Sarah asking me what was wrong...I wanted to grab that folder and rip it up...I wanted this doctor to go check it again...obviously she'd gotten it wrong...the surgeon told me it looked okay....go fucking check again!!!

She wasn't wrong... there was no mistake...the lump was minimally invasive follicular carcinoma...words I will never forget...but it was easily treatable and according to her...if your going to have cancer it's the best one to have...Are you serious?? Do you want to take my place on this table right now??.. Was I supposed to feel lucky??...Like I had hit the mother fucking cancer lottery??..

She reminded us that the surgeon had left the other half of my thyroid inside and told me she would immediately schedule a second surgery..WHAT??? There's noway I could do that again...there's noway this is really happening...I needed time to digest this..I needed to go home...

I don't remember the drive home..I don't remember the kids being in the back seat...but I remember my mom being ridiculously calm and positive when all I wanted to do was swear at anyone that looked at me and punch them in the face...we drove to her house and I called john...it was the first time I'd said it out loud...It's cancer...

My follow up with the surgeon was here...John came with me and I had all the bandages and steri strips removed..the scar was there and it was still numb..I remember touching it and getting sick to my stomach...The surgeon went over the pathology report....like I hadn't heard it loud and clear the first time...I told him the endocrinologist wanted another surgery and my guess was he would be the one to do it....He didn't like this and took offense right away...there was no need to question his work...he got it all...he told me "I'm good at what I do"... He did me a favor and left that side in, so I could have a more normal future...didn't I remember if I was his wife that's what he'd do??..I remember thinking.. Do you hate your fucking wife??

It became a battle between the surgeon and the endocrinologist and I was caught in the middle...I decided to get a second opinion and see the most recommended doctor at Mass general in Boston...
John and I went and sat in his office...he was one of those guys that was sooo smart he came off as odd...he had a bunch of interns sitting in with us...the more the merrier!!...they discussed me like I wasn't even in the room and tossed some mumbo jumbo back and fourth and then he finally said (and I'm not kidding when I type this) "as much as I'd love to slice your neck open..there's no need to"and he recommended I have radioactive iodine treatment.

To me it was a better alternative to having another surgery..I called my endocrinologist and asked if she was okay with this new plan and could she set it up...Yes she was...I scheduled lots of appointments and had tons of blood work and scans...Then learned that I would be radioactive?? I would need to be in isolation??? My stomach sank when they told me I would have to stay away from the kids for another 7 days...it was to dangerous for them to be around me...so once again I packed them up and my mom and sister took over...

They had to special order this radioactive stuff and I had to be there when is was delivered...it was late at night and we drove to the hospital...the nuclear medicine room was in the basement and John had to wait outside...they led me into what looked like a vault .... a guy with a suit and gloves on took a lead canister out of the counter and opened it....he told me to hold out my hand...out of this big thing came two pills...he gave me some water and told me to swallow them....let me get this straight, your in here in a suit and gloves and won't even touch these pills and you want me to eat them??? Thats exactly what they wanted me to do and in doing this it would kill any remaining thyroid I had left.

I went home...all was fine...I didn't feel radioactive..I didn't look radioactive...I couldn't go out in public...I couldn't be within 3 feet of John for more than 10 minutes...I ate with plasticware and paper plates and had to throw them away outside...I had to flush the toilet 3 times when I went to the bathroom...I couldn't spit my toothpaste in the sink it had to be spit in the toilet and flushed 3 times...I couldn't chew gum...wash all clothes separately and wash them twice...and god forbid if I threw up I had to call nuclear medicine for a clean up.. and in case I died nuclear medicine would have to be called to come get my body!!

After a very looong week of basically being bored to death...I was ready to get my kids and celebrate!! I had to go back to the hospital for more bloodwork and another scan...I remember being giddy at the thought this was over..I was happy and told myself it was a small price to pay for my health and the kids would never remember not being with me during those weeks...after all they were being spoiled rotten by their Meme and Auntie...

I got my iv inserted and waited to be called...they called me in and let John stand behind the glass and watch...I laid on the table and they turned on the machine..the lights when all around and they slid me in..telling me when to breathe and when to hold my breath...when it was over I don't remember what they said..if anything at all...I just couldn't wait to get out of there..we went home feeling relieved and I would return to the endocrinologist and start discussing meds...big deal so I have to take a pill everyday..to me it seemed that easy...

When I returned for my follow up.....once again this bitch with the folder told me devastating news..
my scan showed a piece of working thyroid still in there....I would have to go through another round of the radio active iodine...now not only was I lucky enough to get THIS kind of cancer....I was lucky enough to have what they were calling...the thyroid of steel..

Christmas Night

Morgan the reindeer

Sarah & Morgan

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-71271376779549217802012-10-25T07:43:00.001-07:002012-10-25T07:43:03.796-07:00Pregnancy Part 2

So I was 15 weeks pregnant, I had a lump in my neck and there was nothing I could do about it....The surgeon was super optimistic and reassured me everything was going to be fine...I remember the thoughts that ran through my mind..Would whatever this was affect the baby?? Would it make me sick?? Would it grow into something bad before I could have it out?? Why was this even in there!!!

Eventually the worry about it went away, I had much more to focus on...A smart little 3 yr old that wanted attention from me every second of everyday...my growing belly...my 24th birthday and the summer ahead...

I scheduled my ultra sound for the baby and Sarah accompanied me...She was sure that this was a baby brother and was already calling it "Toby" to this day I have no clue where that name ever came from...Hot jelly on my belly and the screen lit up, there it was all tucked in and safe...the tech asked if we want to know if it was a boy or girl?? Yes!! She printed out a picture and handed it to Sarah, on the picture it said "Your new baby SISTER!!" I think this was the only time in Sarah's life she was speechless, then she said "Toby is a girl??" Yes I guess so...

Over the next few weeks my midwife suggested that I get a second opinion and see an endocrinologist. I found a women at Lahey clinic and made an appointment...We reviewed everything, and she confirmed this lump had to come out and referred me to a surgeon in Burlington that was considered the best.

I'm not sure how long I waited to see this new surgeon....I had more important stuff on my agenda...Like Sarah starting pre-school for the very first time...coming up with and painting a theme for our nursery...digging out all of Sarah's baby clothes and making sure they were ready...And a name...we needed a name!

I finally went and saw this surgeon and he too agreed this lump was coming out along with my thyroid...I'm thinking wait a sec, don't you need that?? I was given tons of paperwork to read and was told the endocrinologist would take care of the thyroid part as far as medication I would need afterwards...This still wasn't a reality to me, I guess because I was still pregnant and couldn't move forward...maybe she could stay in there forever and I wouldn't have to deal with this...no such luck..I left that appointment with a surgery date..Dec 12th 2001..22 days after I was supposed to give birth.

Ok I could handle this right?? I had no choice, weather I liked it or not this baby was coming out and so was the lump...Halloween came and went and we were fastly approaching my due date...I got down to the weekly appointments and they kept saying "she's ready"...Nov 20th came and went, as did the 21st, 22nd, 23rd etc...I begged them to induce me because the longer she waited the closer my surgery date was getting..

It was Nov 27th and I was in labor!! I had my parents take Sarah and I called the midwife. My water had not broken yet, so there was no rush...I got the the hospital, and they broke my water at 1 am... At 1:17 am on Nov 28th Morgan Sayward Laskiewicz was born...8lbs 13ozs and bald...She was perfect...

Instead of having 22 days to recover from giving birth I had 14...During those 2 short weeks, it wasn't your typical snuggling and devoting every minute to your new baby...For me it was making sure I had people to take care of my kids while I was in the hospital and while recovering...Making lists of their schedules and writing notes to the teacher of who would be picking up and dropping sarah off...trying to explain to a 3 yr old why she would have to stay at her grandparents for a week while I was at home...and trying to wrap my head around handing over my 2 week old baby to someone else for a week..

I had to go into the hospital the day before my surgery to fill out some forms...John was with me and we took Morgan too..They handed me a thick packet to read through and sign..It said things like..Pain, trauma, stiffness, damaged vocal cords, wind pipe, tracheotomy...all the things that could go wrong.

We left and took Morgan to my parents where both kids would sleep so I could get up early to head to the hospital...I was thankful that between my parents and my sister, we had all the bases covered...I don't remember much of that night except for my father asking me if I had thought about the possibility of not making it out of surgery....Not until now dad..thanks a lot!!..Then with quick hugs and kisses I left them there...

The next morning came quick and we were in the car heading to the hospital...I couldn't eat or drink anything and I remember John wanting to stop for a coffee, how selfish I thought...I checked in and they made you sit a room and wait.. Everyone looking at each other wondering why they were there. I don't think John and I talked and then the lady came out and called my name..This was it..This was what I had been waiting for and dreading for months...A quick hug and kiss and then I was behind closed doors...

The room was big, full of beds...people being prepped for different surgeries...she handed me a johnny and told me to take everything off...I asked her if I could keep my underwear on because I was still bleeding from just having a baby...she had to go ask if it was okay and it was not...well that was just great...

The anesthesiologist came next...I remember him being the sweetest person I'd encountered in there yet...He mixed me up a cocktail to calm my nerves and I was relieved when he told me he'd be in there with me the entire time....Next was the surgeon, he came and explained what he was going to do and how they do it...Through my loopiness I heard him say it was a lot like the biopsy, they would hang my head off the end of the able and make the incision just above my collar bone..And not to worry because the scar would be in a wrinkle and hardly noticeable...Yeah cause that's my biggest friggen worry right now!! They would insert a breathing tube through the neck so I could breathe...Then they would remove the lump along with the right side of my thyroid gland...He decided it was best if they had a pathologist look at the lump before they closed me up, that way if it was in fact just a goiter he would leave the left side of the thyroid glad intact..I was uneasy about this because we had all agreed the whole thing should come out...but who was I to argue with a guy carrying a scalpel...As he walked away he said "if you were my wife that's what I'd do".

When it was time they wheeled me into the operating room..It was cold and bright and I remember thinking, it's exactly like what you see on T.V...I remember them moving me from the bed I was in over to the table and apologizing for being so heavy because I'd just had a baby...In fact I had two babies at home..so you better not screw this up!!

Then I heard "see in recovery" and it was lights out...

Sarah and my big belly

Me and Morgan

Morgan

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-2308251926688351305.post-36453784712946778062012-10-24T08:29:00.002-07:002012-10-24T08:29:42.180-07:00Pregnancy

This is my first blog ever...I'm sure by the time I'm done I'll have a few more...you might be reading this on my page, my sister's page, a friends?? I'm doing this hoping to connect with some people that can relate....so here goes..

I'm not a religious person, nor do I believe in superstitions. But through my journey, there is one thing I have grown to believe in and that is...everything happens for a reason. If you had preached this crap to me 11 yrs ago I would have told you to shut it and move along..

In 2001, I lived with my boyfriend and our 3 yr old daughter. A kid free getaway up north to snowmobile resulted in a surprise pregnancy...It's not something we had planned at the time but we were both happy after the shock wore off....Since I had done this before there was no rush to make the boring gynecologist appointment, so I waited a few weeks....

With my 3 year old Sarah in tow, we headed to our first appointment. We met our new midwife and to my surprise got to hear the heart beat on our first visit!! After going over the regular questions and giving me a due date of Nov 20th, she asked me if I had any concerns.

I told her I had a sore throat and I was worried it was strep. She cultured my throat and checked my glands, moving her hands down my neck and around to the front she paused and said "do you know you have a large lump here?" Uh no, how many times do you feel the front of your own neck...She left the room and came back with another doctor, by the time I left that appointment, I had another appointment for an ultrasound the very next day...

I showed up for the ultrasound again with a toddler in tow and the tech was so awesome she gave us out first sneak peak at our baby!! I was so happy and thinking about names not what was in my neck....The word goiter had been tossed around at the doctors office, so I wasn't at all worried...But to my surprise they once again called in more doctors and when I left that appointment, I left this time with an appointment to see a surgeon immediately....

I was starting to worry, I called John and told him to come home, I needed him for this appointment....I called and had my grandparents watch Sarah and we headed to the surgeons office. The exam was routine and he didn't seem overly worried, he too talked about it probably being a goiter (whatever the hell that was) but to be on the safe side he wanted to do a fine needle biopsy...I figured I'd have time to think this over but he said he could do it right then...

Sick to my stomach and John sweating in the corner, they laid me down and hung my head off of the end of the table. They numbed my neck and then said don't swallow and they took out what looked like a god damned harpoon and inserted it directly into the front of my neck...I closed my eyes and I remember feeling the doctors hands shake. It was over in a matter of seconds...It would be sent out and I would wait for the results....

I don't remember how long I waited but I had Sarah to keep me occupied. On the day I was told I could call, I did....I asked the receptionist if I could have the results and she gave me them over the phone she said "they found follicular cells" just as matter of fact and then she said I had a follow up appointment to see the surgeon to discuss it, the next day...So I did what anyone else would have done and looked up follicular cells online....Helllllooooo!! What I found hit me like a freight train...How could this lady behind her desk be so calm?? Didn't she know what this was?? Didn't she know I could be sick?? Didn't she know I was pregnant??

I called John, come home!! I called my mother who left work to come over...I remember my sister in law coming with an iced coffee....I was a mess and didn't want to wait another minute to see this doctor.. My mother called and read the women the riot act and made her give me an appointment sooner....

I went to the appointment and was told they did in fact find follicular cells, BUT it wasn't cancer until they break out of the capsule (this was like a foreign language to me) and there was no way of knowing if it had until they remove it...so to be on the safe side let's take this lump out...Ok only problem with that was I was 15 weeks pregnant...

New Baby!!

Sarah practicing for her new baby!

Ashley Laskiewiczhttps://firstname.lastname@example.com