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The Goals of Good Guidance: Understanding and Responding to Challenging Behaviors
Dan Gartrell responded to a selection of questions and comments during an online event from July 25–29, 2011. Read the questions and his answers below!
My area of expertise is using guidance—the commitment a teacher makes to teaching children how to solve their problems rather than punishing them for having problems they haven't learned how to solve. Developmentally appropriate practice means that within the context of an encouraging community, each individual child is empowered to engage wholeheartedly with all the problems of learning. For this reason, developmentally appropriate practice is at the heart of guidance.
Only in developmentally appropriate practice are chances maximized for healthy development in all the human intelligences. And we must not underestimate the importance of two intelligences in particular: social and emotional—the capacity to feel special "just for who we are" and to treat others kindly because we can accept that they are special, too.
I look forward to our online conversation. Remember, there are no magic answers, just information that you can perhaps use in your professional development. We'll focus on topics related to guidance, building relationships with children and families, helping children manage their emotions, responding to children's challenging behaviors, and understanding the reasons behind those behaviors.
— Dan Gartrell
Thank you Dan Gartrell!
I have been reading the questions and your responses and want to thank you for your thoughtful and extensive responses to everyone's questions. There is such a wealth of information in this exchange - these questions and answers will be archived so others can refer back to this information in the future.
Thanks so much for your contribution.
Susan Friedman
Parent of child with sensory processing disorder
I have a daughter with sensory processing disorder who entered Kindergarten last fall. I submitted documents from her occupational therapist, neurologist (for low muscle tone), and information about SPD before school started to help the staff learn about my child's needs. She didn't qualify for an IEP, as stated by the school's Resource Specialist (RS) when we met during a meeting because my daughter was functioning well academically. The job of the RS in our case was merely to check in with the teacher/parent about my daughter's progress. It turned out that my daughter's experience in Kindergarten was a negative and non-nurturing one. The teacher was militaristic in the way she approached the children. I and other parents witnessed her demeanor when dealing with the children, and my daughter who is very articulate despite her young age, would come home upset and describe how the teacher would put her in a "thinking chair" for not being able to finish copying a paragraph from the board and filling in the blanks with her own ideas. My daughter would get frustrated and the teacher would put her in the "thinking chair", even though I had discussed at length with the teacher and RS about my daughter's challenges. There was no sensitivity to her needs and I felt that the teacher was ignoring my daughter's basic needs, let alone sensory needs.
My daughter said she would compare her to others openly. For example, my daughter was not coloring within the lines and she told her that she "wasn't coloring right" and proceeded to tell her that she needed to color like x student. She would hand out stickers to everyone who she felt did a "good job" and my daughter would never get one. The children had to recite a sentence that the teacher had the class memorize, "All good sentences begin with a capital letter and end with an end punctuation mark." My daughter got the first and last parts mixed up, and got upset so the teacher did not give her a sticker. Her self esteem plummeted tremendously from being in this type of environment. She thought she wasn't smart enough and didn't want to go to school. I had meetings with the teacher and the RS, and all they could come up with was to have my daughter to start liking the "thinking chair" and to think of it as a positive thing. My daughter would tell me that the teacher would talk to her harshly (she has an advanced vocabulary for her age). My daughter said the teacher would only smile when other adults entered the classroom, but would not smile with the children in the class. She also witnessed during sharing time, that the teacher would scold a boy who had speech problems for not trying hard enough. He said he was, but the teacher told him she didn't believe him. There are so many more examples, I could write pages.
My daughter came out of the classroom really upset one day and told me that the teacher had yelled at her over a pencil. My daughter wasn't prepared with a pencil for her math lesson and the teacher reprimanded her in front of the rest of the class. She yelled, "Then go get one [pencil]. You have two legs and two feet! Or do you expect me to go get one for you!" It is more detailed than I went into here, but instead of showing understanding toward my daughter, the teacher went on to say that she wasn't going to be allowed to go to music class if she continued to act up and not calm down. One of the things about SPD is disorganization. Many children with SPD cannot organize themselves well enough in an environment that is normally non-distracting to children without SPD, but is extremely distracting to those with SPD. I confronted the teacher about this incident and explained how upset my daughter was. She replied that my daughter had raised her voice to her. I actually have evidence to prove otherwise. She denied most of what I said and tried to talk about her teaching philosophy to get me off of the subject. I said that things weren't working out for my daughter here, and that I needed to see the principal at this point. I went to the principal a few days later to discuss what my child had been experiencing and conveying to me, and she stopped me right away. She said that "that was your child's perspective and I don't want to hear about it". The teacher went on maternity leave shortly after, and the substitute that took her place was mentored to teach by her! The principal said that the school would try some accommodations and if the teacher was indeed the problem, then my daughter would have a better outcome with this new teacher. Although, she wasn't militaristic and as intense as the previous teacher, she definitely had a biased opinion about my daughter and our whole family. She treated me disrespectfully and would complain about the accommodations that I asked of her. She complained about a writing slant board that I brought in for my daughter saying it was too bulky and too distracting to the other children and that I should take it home. The school OT had shown the teacher how to make one out of 2 binders instead. She would complain about me having to pick up my daughter a few minutes earlier before school let out for her therapy appt. She complained about me not practicing writing with my daughter over Spring break (which I did, every day). I told her that I did, and she said "Well, she has nothing to show for it." It turned out that I got a diagnosis a few weeks later from my daughter's ophthalmologist who determined that she had a tracking problem. She is now doing eye exercises. I forwarded the note from the eye doctor to the Resource Specialist, teacher, and OT and never got a response.
I was never disrespectful when I would talk with the teacher, RS, principal, and staff, yet I was treated with disrespect and disregard over my child's difficulties and unique needs. Some of the other parents say it was because I was too nice and not demanding enough (I am a soft-spoken person who is not aggressive at all). I never heard from the RS who was supposed to be our support and check in with my daughter every once in a while. I never experienced this to be the case. I never received one email from her. I would be the one reaching out to her when we had problems. It was never a proactive relationship. I offered to have my daughter's personal therapist talk to the teacher, but I never heard one response. We're moving on to another school in the fall. My daughter still speaks negatively of her experience there and she's slowly overcoming the emotional damage and stress that she underwent. I am contemplating writing a letter to the school district/superintendent/board of education over what we had to go through this past year (as is another parent who wanted to pull her child out of this class). I am also worried about the incoming Kindergarten students. Kindergarten should be a place where we help children to acclimate to the culture of school. It should be a time when we ease the child into the flow of a positive experience, not one in which chips away at a child's self-esteem. There was hardly any encouragement in the class, mostly negative feedback. The teacher would point out what the student was doing wrong, but would not talk about what they did right. It was never about encouraging the process of a task, but about the END product. My daughter would compare herself to others because of this. She would see them with the finished product, and would become upset because she was "not good enough or smart enough (these were her own words)". I don't want this kind of experience at her new school and want to know how I should approach the new teacher and school about my daughter's unique needs. It is a parent participation school with a totally different philosophy that focuses on each child's unique personality and needs, and I've heard nothing but praise for this school, but I don't want to have to go back to that place (mentally and emotionally) we were at last year. I am here to work with the teacher and school in a positive way. I felt disrespected and felt as if the teachers were blaming my daughter's "behavior" on me. At times, I did feel guilty and allowed them to make me feel this way. At one point, the teacher implied that it was not SPD, but my child's personality that was the source of her difficulties. To some extent, I can see where this can be true, but at what point do you differentiate between SPD and a child's personality? I struggle with this every day.
Difficult year at school
You write clearly and persuasively about the dilemma you and your daughter faced last year. She sounds like quite a kid! Glad you have moved her to a new school and a new beginning. Finding schools--and working with administration as much as you can--to have teachers accommodate your family's values and circumstances is an important part of being a parent these days. Except in very small communities, choices are out there, but families still have to work too hard to get the best possible match.
With the onset of public school, many parents select and chauffeur their children to countless after-school activities, and do this for years. The challenges of child-advocacy with teachers and administrators mean that parents find it difficult to expend these same energies around our child's school-day education. But it is essential that they do so. Just as teachers need to build family-school relations from day one, parents do too. The work to build a positive relationship with educators at the beginning of the year is worth it in terms of your child's improved chances at wellbeing.
If your child is having a difficult year—and too many difficult years come down to personality conflicts between the teacher and the child—begin working with teachers and administrators right away to document problems and work for resolutions. Concerning next year, begin in mid-winter talking with principals in friendly but pointed ways about the teacher that your child—because of the documented difficulties—needs. (Even if you are told parents cannot request placements, principals don't want TWO years of having to deal with upset family members.)
Many of us recall situations where a child had a difficult year at school one year and a much better year the next. First, this substantiates that, just as there are the other kind, there are good teachers out there. A good teacher literally can be a life-saver. Second, this is testimony to the fact that with family support most children can be resilient.
Recognizing there are few easy answers, as Anonymous thoroughly articulates here, I hope for a good placement and resiliency for your child as she begins a new year at school.
So many ideas
I have a 4 yr old girl in my class that at the moment you approach her to talk about something she did she starts crying and you can't draw her out of it. Once she starts it turns into a screaming fit. How can I get her to stop automatically resorting to crying so I can just talk to her?
Crying four-year-old
Guess I have more questions that answers about this situation. Will need some more information. What is happening in the classroom when you approach her? When does she start crying and when does she not start crying if you approach her? Does she have this reaction to other adults too? Maybe talk a bit about why you think the crying turns into screaming. How long has she been in your program? What else can you say about the child and her family life that might help in working with her. If you can provide some of this information, I'd be happy to reply. Seems like you are right to be concerned about her.
Overactive three year old boys in class that lead to fights
I have run out of ideas on how to discipline my class of three year old boys. They are full of energy and they are all over the place all at once. Their boundless energies have led to fights. And then the others who weren't fighting would copy the behavior of those who are. It is just frustrating. We have tried increasing the physical activities with hopes of getting them too tired for a fight, but to no avail. Any ideas? By the way, the\re are only six in class, all boys, and there are three adults, two teachers and an assistant and we still couldn't handle them. Help!
Very Active Three-year-olds
From a guidance perspective teachers don't want to find ways to "discipline their groups" so much as ways to adapt to and work with their groups' energy levels. Without knowing more about your particular situation, I am going put several ideas out there. Some perhaps will fit your situation, some not. My intent here as much as anything is to encourage you three staff to open some new doors on the programming you provide.
My first thought is that three-year-olds are "over active" in a program that does not allow for the full expression of their energy and "very active" in a program that is active enough for them. Maybe even more additional physical activity, not just to get them tired enough for seat and circle activities, but physical activity integrated with teaching/ learning activities throughout the day, would help. Curriculum ideas and models for integrating movement and teaching are given in the March 2008 Guidance Matters column, "Promote Physical Activity: It's Proactive Guidance." (Go to www.naeyc.org/yc/columns/guidance).
Guess I would suggest reading and discussing Frances Carlson's new book, BIG BODY PLAY, put out by NAEYC. In her book Carlson recommends rough and tumble play, which is play wrestling. I am not sure if this is what you mean by fighting. If you have a child or two who gets easily upset during play wrestling and starts hurting others, well Carlson has suggestions for this kind of situation too. The three staff are probably going to need to wear sweats, etc, to keep up with the kids for this approach to work—maybe you could rotate this task or one adult who is really active can anchor this part of the day. (No pun intended.) Staff may find that the super active program is a good way for them to get/stay in shape.
Outdoors tends to be less constraining for active kids. Maybe have quieter options for children as well as active ones for outside, like colored chalk on sidewalks, water painting sides of buildings, even favorite books in the shade. Eating picnic snacks is another option. Bubbles, balloons, sprinklers, and walks to parks are other outdoor ideas. Personally, during warm weather, I would hardly come in at all. To the extent your facilities allow, make your program like summer camp. Adapt as necessary to keep this active programming going in the winter. The children will all be older at that point and probably less tiggerish.
Indoors, to bring variety to the daily schedule, perhaps work with a time block where you split into three pairs (strategically), each with an adult. Figure out what more quiet activities each pair likes to do—playdough, water table, duplo, particular books, etc. Sounds like these guys need to be doing things, so I would not try anything like teacher directed, circle-type activities. They can wait a year or more for this sit down stuff. Figure how you can put that energy to work, and work with it.
My observation is that physically active preschoolers stay on task just fine when they hit elementary school. So, an active early childhood education program still readies young children for school--actually, it maximizes brain development by good blood flow and happy hormone secretion. If you can scout around and visit another preschool program that specializes in active programming, this might be something to do. I know it is easy for me to say, but thanks for submitting this question and go for it!
screaming child
When a child chooses to scream when asked to calm - after climbing over book cases and knocking items of shelves - and continues to scream. What is the appropriate guidance during the episode to teach him that can control his own actions? He can not hear you speak calmly above his scream. This occurs in a preschool of 18 children, primarily 3-year olds.
Screaming Child
With a dramatic mistaken behavior like screaming, ECE teachers understandably want a strategy that will stop that behavior. Brainstorming with colleagues, as the Reply suggests, is a first step and important to do. But, there is not a magic "stop this behavior" wand, and we can only guide and encourage change in the child, we cannot force a change. So for me, with an individual child like this, my response is pretty consistent. Build the relationship with the child outside of conflict situations. You will learn more about the child and perhaps figure out strategies that, through the relationship, help the child to lower stress levels and behave differently.
Screaming is a form of aggression that is caused by stress. It is either reactive aggression, a manifestation of the brain's fight or flight reaction in the face of perceived threat. Or, it is instrumental aggression, reactive aggression that has become reinforced in a child's brain and is used as a strategy—the best defense is offense. Instrumental aggression is particularly bothersome for teachers because it is deliberate; children use instrumental aggression to get what they want. The July 2011 Guidance Matters column on intentional aggression involves screaming and a 15 minute period before the child was able to listen. (Go to www.naeyc.org/yc/columns/guidance). That child is over aged four and her behaviors seem more intentional that the ones I infer from your anecdote, but the teacher's efforts and thoughts might be worth encountering.
An upcoming Guidance Matters column, planned for the November issue, talks about a 2 plus-year-old who throws child-sized furniture and does some spectacular screaming. Readers will need to wait until November for the full column, but I am going to share the case study now, because it illustrates the comprehensive, relationship-building guidance that Rena used with Harrison. No magic answer here, but notice how Rena develops her intervention strategy in harmony with a growing relationship with Harrison, so working with the child instead of against him.
Harrison was 27 months when he began in the toddler room. After a couple of days, Harrison began to have conflicts just after he arrived. He would not wash hands or come to the breakfast table. When teacher Rena tried to invite him, he worked himself into a rage, yelling the "F" word with his own particular pronunciation and throwing things (including child-sized furniture). As his behavior distressed the other toddlers, Rena had to physically remove him and hold him until he got calm.
When he repeated this behavior over the next couple of days, Rena talked with Betty, his young mom, having met her only a few days before. Rena mentioned she enjoyed having Harrison in her group. But, he was having a problem especially after he arrived that she wanted to help him with. Betty shared that the house was small and the activity of some family members often kept Harrison from settling down and getting to sleep until late. Rena concluded that the toddler was showing lack of a sleep routine, and the reasons for it, in his behavior.
Rena decided on a strategy. She approached Harrison in a low-key way and gave him a choice of getting ready for breakfast or snuggling. He usually chose snuggling and occasionally fell asleep. During the day, Rena also gave him choices, this activity or another. He began making the choices, and participated more. The two assistant teachers and Rena also sought out one-on-one snuggling contact talks with him throughout each day.
Over that month, Rena also developed a relationship with Betty, and Mom disclosed a bit more about the home situation. Rena learned that poverty and cultural factors were impacting especially male members of the family. Rena worked to get the family enrolled in early Head Start, but there was a waiting list.
Sometimes Harrison ate breakfast late and not much, but he started eating. It took a while, but Harrison gradually accepted the routine. Rena remained open to the need for a morning snuggle, but Harrison got so he needed the closeness-on-arrival only sometimes. The staff decided that while they could not change Harrison's home environment, they could make him feel safe and welcome, and keep positive relations with the mother.
For additional assistance with the child that Anonymous wrote about, Anon. might look over some of the other chat discussions as well.
Screaming Child idea
Why was the child screaming in the first place? Can you identify a trigger or is it so random you never know when it is going to happen? Can you change the environment/routine to avoid the triggers? Does this child have enough communication ability that you can talk with him about screaming, why he does it, and what the rule/expectation (and consequence) is in your class? Once the child is in meltdown stage, teaching time has ended.
Where did our angel go?
Our 6 year old daughter turned two about six months ago. Tantrums (complete with biting, kickimg and pinching) whining and complaining. I have used love and logic, read 'help me be good' books until I can't see anymore,listened, reasoned, listened more, used her ideas, behavior boards, calming techniques andall of the rest of the advice I could research or request. My fear is that she is using her behavior. For the last few months we have set repercussions and stuck to them. She comtinually tests and we are all drained. Meal time, bathtime, bedtime, in the store etc... To me her behavior is age appropriate for preschool. Imnot sure what to try next. When is enough enough and it becomes ok to simply say some things in life are not negotiable in words she will understand ?
Sudden behavior change
It sounds like the behavior change was sudden, which makes me think there are new physical and/or environmental factors operating in your daughter's life. Think this possibility should be investigated. Having the blood sugar test is an excellent idea. Talking with the family physician about the blood sugar test and other physical possibilities is important--seems like a few different health factors might be investigated. Likewise, if you haven't thoroughly talked with last year's teacher about any behavior change noticed in the classroom, you might do this. There might be other school resources that would be helpful as well.
Your family might also think about any recent large changes to your daughter's life circumstances—traumatic events, moving, separation/divorce, new baby, death in the family, change in a parent's work schedule, etc. At six years, big changes like this could have a profound effect on a child. Also, rule out the possibility of someone the child knows having an inappropriate relationship with her. Probably not, but it happens.
If physical/health causes are not involved, consider a mental health assessment for your daughter. Something has changed in your child's life, physiologically and/or psychologically. As with any pattern of serious, atypical behavior that continues over time, caregivers—both parents and teachers—need to expand their resources in order to help the child get the problems resolved. For all us adults, to go outside the classroom or the family is a difficult step, but perhaps wise one to take. Parents and teachers alike are to be supported when they do so. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Angel may be sick
Have you tested her blood sugar? My friend that teaches 1st grade had a student with similar issues and over the summer he was diagnosed with diabetes. That under control, he was a different child in second grade.
That is a good idea. She
That is a good idea. She has had regular physicals but I'm sure she hasn't had a blood sugar test. I took her health into consideration when this all began and took her to her physician who medically cleared her. But...I will ask for a blood sugar test.
Two year old tantrums.
I have a child in my class who has frequent outbursts during the school day. On a good day he has roughly 5-10 tantrums and on a bad day he has 20-40. He does not like being redirected to other activities when he is doing something that he should not be doing. He also tantrums when we run out of food that he likes, when he needs a diaper change, and when he is frustrated and can't figure something out. He also tantrums for no reason at all (at least to the adults in the classroom). He wakes up from a 3 hour nap and tantrums for about an hour. He has resorted to hitting and kicking teachers and occasionally he will hit the other children. (I don't know if it's on purpose because he really is a very empathetic 2 year old). He tends to crave sensory things such as crashing into others bikes with his bike, being bounced on a big bouncy ball, being rolled into a pillow and then being pressed on. But then he gets freaked out over other children screaming (although he screams a lot himself).
We have an OT working with him for 1 hour a week. She has taught us to give him "heavy work" during difficult times and deep pressure massage to help him stay focused but it just doesn't seem to help.
I have done 2 home visits and he doesn't seem to act this way at home (or as much.) According to mom he is very whiny. I know from my experience at the home that it is possible that he is overstimulated at school. From what I observed there were not that many toys and when he ate lunch, he was in a high chair that was placed right in front of the TV. He also eats very unhealthy meals, pizza, kool aid, sugary juice, and hot dogs. ( I don't know if this has anything to do with the tantrums)
I am in desperate need for some advice. I want to help this child with his emotions and I want to be less stressed in my classroom.
Thank you!
Two-year-olds Tantrums
Your concern for this little guy deserves recognition and support, to your credit Cid. Here's my take. When a child shows behaviors that are extreme and continue over time, he (in this case) has deep unmet needs. From the way it sounds the little guy has a brain that is atypically wired and is processing incoming information atypically. It is so hard to know how to parent and teach kids like this, who have to deal with probably neurological and understandable environmental hurdles in their young lives.
By way of support for you I will say this, the more serious the conflicts surrounding a child, the more comprehensive the guidance for that child needs to be, and the more people need to be involved. The pattern of behavior that you describe is not one that you, fellow staff, and the family should be dealing with alone. Without additional resources and assistance, your program cannot do what you want it to do for this child. Sounds to me that to stay in your program, the child does need a shadow adult--not you, but someone hired and trained to do this.
If the child has not had special education screening and assessment, he should have this. Work with the family to get their consent, then use your program resources with early childhood special education/early intervention services of the school district to get the screening and assessment done. There may be local parent advocacy groups like PACER who can give support regarding assessment and obtaining services. Special education staff of a local Head Start also may be helpful—a minimum of 10% of children served by Head Start need to have special needs—at no cost to the family. Your program may be a Head Start, but if not, with the family's permission, investigate this potential resource.
If the child is assessed as having a disability, a meeting of school personnel, the family, and others the family invites (like you) can attend. A plan will be developed and formalized for services to the child. If the recommended services are not what you and the family hoped for, again a group like PACER might provide advocacy.
It sounds to me that for the wellbeing of the child, the other children, and the staff, this guy needs a full-time adult caregiver for as much as possible of the classroom day. Strategies like a visual daily schedule, suggested by Anonymous, then will be fully helpful.
One other note, these behavior patterns are serious enough that if you have to get firm with the parents about increasing the level of services for the child, you have every right to do so. Hopefully, the relationship you already have with them will not make increased directness necessary, but you do have this right and, for the wellbeing of all, perhaps the obligation. Hat is off to you for accepting the challenge of challenging behavior. Clear that this little guy means a lot to you.
Visual Schedule
Does he have good requesting skills? In good moments practice making choices. Help transitions by using a visual schedule (lot's of reinforcements for following the schedule.) Start small (only require 1 or 2 transitions) then work up.
Concerning Behaviors
One of my 3 year old little girls has a habit of laying on her stomach and "comforting" herself during naptime or any other time that she is bored . She does not touch herself directly but forcefully grinds her hips into her mat, gym floor etc. Our staff and director have discussed this with her parents and it has been a habit of hers since she was an infant. I try to redirect her as soon as I notice it happening, but sometimes I feel that it is a need for attention, albeit negative . The other children have noticed the behavior as well. Is there anything else that you can suggest?
Concerning Behavior
If some body-related habits like picking one's nose are not particularly noticeable, the moralistic thing is to say something, but the ethical thing may be to ignor the behavior. It is hard for adults to intervene in these situations and get the righteous behavior they might want.
Sounds like the steps you have taken are the reasonable ones. Glad you spoke with the family, and learned something from that exchange. I am inferring that the family did not get moralistic about the behavior, as you yourself seem not to be doing.
In this case, though, the self stimulating behavior has become noticeable, so in my view you probably do need to do more. I am going to take the easy way out on this one and pick up on your comment that perhaps the behavior she is showing is to get attention. From my perspective kids who ask for attention inappropriately are really asking for adult affirmation, for the security of a healthy relationship. The attention seeking behavior is the only way they know to ask. So work on the relationship with the child outside of the concerning situations.
You probably know the child's activity interests. On a regular basis, help the child get into these activities; then watch, compliment details of what the child is doing, and have informal contact talks (quality one-on-one time) around the activity. Get to know the child better and let her get to know you. Talk with the child about the concerning behavior, but not in a way that will do-in the relationship. When the adult leader gets to be more important to the child than the self-stimulating behavior, the behavior should diminish.
If not, in the long run when she gets a little older, a knowing peer is going to confront her about the behavior. While our goal is to make this experience unnecessary, mid-childhood peers have a way of correcting body habits like this in an instant. As with all of my replies, I invite thoughts and suggestions from others. Thanks for submitting it.
Concerning Behavior
NAEYC recently published the article "You Want Me to Talk to Children about What? Responding to the Subject of Sexuality Development in Young Children" by Mary Sciaraffa and Theresa Randolph, which appears in the July 2011 issue of "Young Children." The authors review the developmental stages of human sexuality from infancy through age 6 and suggest ways teachers and parents can respond to children's behaviors and questions. The authors also point out behaviors that may indicate potential problems, respond to frequently asked questions, and provide a list of resources for children and families.
For information about receiving the July 2011 issue, visit www.naeyc.org/yc/subscribe.
Impressing the importance of guidance with others
I agree wholeheartedly with you when you state, "...guidance—the commitment a teacher makes to teaching children how to solve their problems rather than punishing them for having problems they haven't learned how to solve." I also feel it is my job as a parent to follow this philosophy. It is my job as a teacher educator to share this philosophy with my students. I try to do both to the best of my ability every day. However, what I struggle with is impressing the importance of this to other parents, colleagues and teachers in the field. What is the best way (in addition to modeling and practicing what I preach) to share this golden nugget with others without being a "know it all" or condescending?
Getting others to buy in
Guidance ideas are less complicated to use when staff members are in agreement about using them. If one teacher uses guidance and another teacher or assistant teacher does not, or if there is a mismatch between an administrator's views and those of classroom personnel, problems arise. So, the goal of a director to get as many on the same page as possible is a forward-looking one. (I have a sideline involving Vinnie and Bubba of No Way Out Services who, for a fee, can take care of the other staff. What Dear?....Oh Vinnie and Bubba are indisposed. Never mind.)
A first suggestion in building acceptance of guidance ideas is to get together a core group who are comfortable with guidance, as both a support base and action committee. Even if this is one other person and yourself, I would suggest taking this step. (Still, the more representative the task force of the entire program population, the better.)
A second suggestion is to develop a plan for getting others engaged with guidance ideas outside of the classroom. This might involve bringing in someone from the outside whose rates and travel demands aren't outrageous like mine—fees in of four figures without the decimal point; private plane; nap after every 2 hours of training, supply of a local craft beer in the evening, etc. Work with the outside trainer beforehand to coordinate what will be addressed. Build into your plan a follow-up that you can actually do.
Whether or not you use an outside speaker, I suggest discussing written materials, like a study group. Some programs have used the Minnesota AEYC's reader friendly guidebook, "Developmentally Appropriate Guidance of Young Children." (See other Chats for how to review.) Others have looked through the Guidance Matters columns and selected some for discussion.
Here are two thoughts about using reading materials. 1) At the session, divide the materials up so people in pairs or threes have a workable amount of material to cover over a few minutes. Ask each pair or three to select one particular idea from their section that stands out to them. Have them read the sentence or two for the group and share why they selected it. Build group discussions around the pair-shares.
2) Near the end of the session, consider doing the following: a. Have volunteers share with the group one or two ideas each that were new or reinforced for them through the session. No need to discuss; just smile and acknowledge. b. Decide together a follow-up plan that the group will really do.
When the group is ready, one large scale suggestion is to come-up with a program guidance plan. Some programs actually use the MnAEYC "DAG" booklet. They go over it periodically, and use it in orientation of both new staff and parents to the program. In a preschool-public school transition project, one program actually got copies to next year's kindergarten teachers.
(In adapting any policy statement, don't just make the declaration that "this is our guide"; get it out for review and discussion. Folks have to feel ownership to own up to the policies.)
Of course, programs might also go organic and develop their own Guidance Guide. There are upsides to do doing this, one being feelings of ownership are built in. If a program does go organic, I suggest getting some outside materials or model guides from elsewhere so people are not reinventing the trike. The downside is it takes a lot of work, including at least a few drafts gotten out to all for review and comment.
Finally, the "DAG" booklet lists and discusses principles, not 101 practices that probably aren't going to fit situations perfectly anyway. For further reference see the Chat on the Classroom Plan.
Getting others to buy in
I just want to chime in regarding training materials. Dan has developed training guides to accompany two of his Guidance Matters columns as part of NAEYC's new professional development resource "NEXT for Young Children," which is free for a limited time. The training outlines can be used in a variety of ways: teacher educators can use them in their classes; staff development specialists can use them to design workshops; and center directors and school principals can use them to plan staff meetings or training sessions.
The March 2011 "NEXT for Young Children" training complements Dan's column on reactive aggression and is available at www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/NEXTStudyGuides/NEXT_Young_Children_Study_Gu.... The July 2011 issue of "NEXT for Young Children" complements Dan's column about instrumental aggression and is at www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/NEXTStudyGuides/NEXT%20for%20Young%20Childre....
Chocolate is so good!
Have you ever tasted a dessert or a dish that was so fantastic you kept talking about it? How did you do it? I bet you were excited and animated and used the phrase "you have to try it!"
That's how I describe Gartrell's advice when I'm talking with other parents. I always say, "This helped me so much!"
Extolling the desert
Thanks, Anonymous. Thought of five smarty-pants replies--actually I almost used a different term--but probably can only share two of them.
1. Actually I see my advice more like those big old fish-oil pills. They're hard to get down and prone to fishy oil burbs, but may do a body some good.
2. Are you the Anonymous I took to the senior prom in 1962? Sounds like something she would say. Then again...maybe not. :-)) (Mustache, not double chin)
Biting is a very age appropriate in toddlers. How do you respond to a two year old who seems to be biting without being provoked? The child seems like she is not aggitated for any particular reason. She will look to see what your response will be and when removing her from the child she has bitten -she will bite her teacher. Unfortunately she aims for the face every time. In a room of 18 two year old two teachers cannot constantly shadow her. I use redirection and positive reinforcement and even showed her loving gestures and how to be gentle. Still her need to hit, bite, pinch, and scratch the face are overwhelming and honestly frustrating when innocent children are hurt. They have become afraid of her. We have lost children due to the extreme behavior. I'm not a quitter and I do care very much about the little girl, she has been with us since she was born.
As Lisa mentioned, biting is something a lot of toddlers try and some become unintentionally reinforced in using. When a few toddlers do it a lot, teachers have major problems on their hands. See the chats on spitting and parent meetings for a reminder about the challenges teachers face here. Often toddlers use powerful behaviors like biting and spitting before they develop spoken language and more nuanced methods of physically getting what they they want. (Smiley face here.)
First, (not that you did, Lisa), but I would not call biting "misbehavior." "Misbehavior" is not a term that I use. The term that shall go unnamed (except for just now) comes out of the middle-ages and makes adults all moralistic. Their quickly computing brains leap to the following sequence: conflict – misbehavior; consequence – punishment; kid who misbehaves – _______ (you fill in the adjective).
Events do not end well for the child who comes out of such a transaction:
•feels stress from the punishment
•feels negatively about self from the punishment
•does not know what to do next time the biting impulse arises
•looks for the kid who got him/her in trouble and is an easy mark
•wonders if there will be the same adrenalin rush next time (which for a while dulls the stress)
What we want to do is teach the toddler not to bite. The stress that comes from punishment of a "misbehavior" makes an alternative harder to learn.
Staying with the big picture just for a bit, kids are better thought of as months-old than years old. They are just beginning to learn high-level skills, like expressing strong emotions in non-hurting ways, skills that even old adults are still work on. In learning high-level skills, all of us, and especially beginners, are going to make mistakes. So, when a kid causes or falls into a conflict, I call that mistaken behavior. For me, a mistake begins with an error in judgment, so mistaken behavior covers the range from accidental to intentional behaviors.
Using biting as an example, at the least serious level of mistaken behavior, children bite as part of the experiment of life. They feel the impulse, their brains haven't much impulse control yet, and they just do it. At a more serious level, toddlers learn that biting is powerful and it becomes a learned behavior, one they are likely to use again. Sounds like this is the level Lisa is talking about. At the most serious level, toddlers see the world fundamentally as untrustworthy and threatening. They bite as a form of defensive aggression, as a result of deep unmet needs. Biting by most toddlers is at levels one and two, fortunately.
Toddlers who bite a lot have had this behavior unintentionally reinforced as a go-to aggressive impulse. In encouraging classrooms we have the guideline, friendly touches only. So for everyone's sake, we need to make this behavior stop. This means we have to interrupt the kid's impulse to intervene, redirect, and teach. For most kids, teething ring necklaces just don't do it.
I recommend the "going public" approach of a toddler class meeting--which I first heard used at a YWCA child care center in Minneapolis. Here is the anecdote. In group meeting the teachers explained the problem directly but matter of factly. They then taught the whole group what they could do if they felt someone might bite them. In language the toddlers could understand—a language only toddler caregivers are fluent in—they taught the following: If a child comes near and you think they are going bite, hold up a hand and say "stop!"
They had the kids practice the technique. They rehearsed the kids throughout the day. The next day, a child who had been bitten held up her hand and said a recognizable "stop!" The impulse was interrupted for the kid about to bite, and the teachers got over there fast. Much recognition was given to the action, and this assertive, not aggressive, technique got used by other children. The biting dropped off quickly.
Other providers who have tried this technique have told me about the reactions of the kids who were influenced to bite. One would approach a child dramatically, snap his teeth a few times, and run away with a grin. Another child, as a startle reaction to the loud and firm "stop," would start to cry.
Dreikurs would say these reactions are logical consequences of the mistaken behavior of biting. Seems to me these are way better problems to have than biting. After redirecting the child away from the situation, the providers worked on teaching the children non-hurting communication techniques. As the biting deceased, the providers reported the "stop" reactions grew less. Most was better in toddler land.
In the chat on spitting, I mentioned that some providers teach toddlers a few basic expressions of American sign. Some report decreased frustrations and less mistaken behavior with this way of communicating, a happier group environment. Expressions of American sign are apparently easy to use to express needs before language skills develop—and it may well be the basis of a life-long communication skill.
Lisa, this is maybe more information than you wanted--like all the other replies. But you are clearly looking at biting as mistaken behavior, not the other kind. So please consider this wordage as reinforcement for your caring approach.
Supporting Children
When children have difficult or challenging behavior, how can we best support the child and prevent other children from misinterpreting and labeling the child?
Supporting Children
For many years, the work of Professor Gary Ladd (Arizona State University) and colleagues has been compelling for me. Across his many studies, Ladd has shown that young children who are rejected by their peers in preschool are likely to have continuing problems with social acceptance and educational success in their K-12 schooling. So, supporting children who are vulnerable for stigma (negative separation from the group) for any reason, but especially their behavior, is just a crucial task for caring teachers. Here are some thoughts about doing that.
1. Make sure all in the group, including other adults, know you care about this child. With no apologies take him or her under your wing. The reason is if others in the group perceive that the teacher doesn't like a child who has conflicts, they are going to have an easier time rejecting the child. A couple of Dan's home-grown clichés apply here: a) There is no such thing as a bad kid, only kids with bad problems who cannot solve them on their own. b) Kids who have lots of conflicts are often the hardest to like, but probably need a positive relationship with teachers the most. c) A teacher who is a professional does not have to love every child, but does need to build a positive relationship with each child.
2. Children need positive relationships with adults before they can build relationships with peers. Find times during the day to grow your relationship with the child. These quality one-on-one times, which I call contact talks, have to occur daily, outside of conflict situations. They are not for the purpose of "screeching or preaching," but getting to know each other better. (They don't all have to be long.) Though hard to arrange, I am a big advocate for good morning contact talks when the child arrives. Think of these contact talks as "time investments." (See YC Guidance Matters column, January 2008, on "Comprehensive Guidance.") They reduce conflicts during (at least some hours of) the day, which makes it easier for other children to include the child. Hot Hades! Fewer conflicts makes it easier for everyone.
3. Structure your program to minimize large groups and maximize small groups. Dynamics are easier for all children in smaller clusters, especially children prone to conflicts. By managing the make-up of the small groups, the teacher can be strategic about who might, with a bit support, get along with this child. (All a kid needs is a couple of peers who will consistently play with him or her to change the cycle of rejection, stress, acting out.) The teacher can also more easily be a quiet advocate for this child in settings other than the large group. (Except for brief, active, interactive, often-musical large groups, large groups should come AFTER, not during, preschool education. Years of practice for them is not needed.)
4. If the child's conflicts are impacting many and all know it, consider holding a class meeting. The purpose of the meeting is to increase empathy within the group for the child and reduce individual feelings of victimization and so rejection. To bring intentional (but respectful) group attention to a child having conflicts is a tough decision. In POWER OF GUIDANCE (about the only plug for the book), teachers might read over the section beginning on page 1OO on Chapter Seven about class meetings concerning children who have serious conflicts.
5. Get a professional/personal support system going for you. The more together the teaching/administrative team is on supporting this child, the more successful the strategy is going to be and the better the lead teacher is going to feel. Work together to build relations with the family and to secure outside assistance if the child needs it. A personal support system outside of the classroom is crucial too. Crying into one's beer both dilutes the brew and doesn't live up to being able to talk to someones you know and trust. Believe me, I know. :-)).
6. Two YC Guidance Matters columns I would suggest are from September 2006, "Build Relationships through Talk" and January 2008, "Comprehensive Guidance," already mentioned. Just click on the Guidance Matter Column Archive.
Say, the topic of this question sounds like a possible new Guidance Matters column. (This is close to a compliment, ICare.) Anyone who has a "case study" involving support of a child who was vulnerable for rejection, please send it to me. Include all the details. If I can use it, two free copies of YC are in it for you!
I am working with a teacher whose two year old class has started spitting as an attention getting and expermentation behavior. I am looking for ideas to stop the behavior.
spitting in group of two-year olds
If many in the class are spitting, it has become a socially-influenced mistaken behavior--one that has caught on in the group. Before little ones have developed the word power to express emotions, socially-influenced spitting makes for a big impact . The behavior is similar to the motivation in some toddlers for biting and is bothersome, but not quite as serious.
Even with toddlers, I'd recommend a class meeting. There are a couple of approaches you could take. One would be to use puppets--see persona doll chat. Using very simple language, have one "spit" at the other and have the other express great sadness. Discuss with the children why the second puppet is sad and relate the role-play to the group. It may be that just this wee bit of collective consciousness raising will help.
During this class meeting or a second, if needed, you could also go another step and directly teach some other behaviors. One possibility is to teach toddlers a sign language gesture, or just to hold up a hand and say the word "stop." They would do this if they are upset or feel like they are likely to be spit upon. The gesture and word may break the impulse and tell the teacher to get over there. Having a bunch of toddlers sticking up their hands up and saying "Stop!" seems to me a better "problem" than the spitting. You would have them practice this response and make a big deal when the first toddlers use it.
Here is a thought for the longer term. Teachers have reported success in teaching toddlers basic expressions in American Sign. Toddlers pick up basic terms faster than many adults. There are articles and materials out there for use of Sign with toddlers. It is easier for many toddlers to learn the gestures for basic words than to put the words into speech. One teacher told me that her toddlers who learned it seem less frustrated in interactions, and are using it at home. (The teacher got materials to parents as well. The parents were amazed.)
Whether teachers go with a single class meeting or do the full production with American sign, as toddlers learn successful communication alternatives that don't get them in trouble, they will learn them. The spitting should fade as a "catchy" behavior. These behaviors generally do fade as toddlers gain speech...and socially influenced mistaken behaviors become the particular words preschoolers choose to use.
Approval and acknowledgement
Is the human desire for approval and acknowledgement a learned behavior?
Need for Approval and Acknowledgment
Let's begin with a bit of neuroscience! Genes fill two functions in the development of the brain. 1) They form the neurological framework that all humans are born with (but that differs from one individual to the next) and 2) genes serve the plasticity function of building brain mass, largely as a result of experiences during the individual's life. Louis Cozolino (2006) tells us that 75% of the neuro-structure of the brain forms after birth, which indicates how important environmental experiences, especially early experiences, are. A miracle of life is that the brain transforms life experiences into brain matter, even, and especially, in infants and young children.
By their unique genetic makeup, babies are born with the propensity for different dispositions—open, aloof, affectionate, impulsive, etc. Babies are also born with a high genetic need for positive attachments with their significant caregivers (parents and substitute parents)—so ensuring their survival. Differing dispositions sometimes make infants either easier or more difficult to build healthy attachments with. Babies with atypical dispositions, or other genetic irregularities, sometimes have difficulty responding to affection and other basic attempts by the caregiver to get that attachment going. Sometimes, as well, difficult circumstances in the parent's life make forming healthy attachments difficult.
So, as a result of genetic and environmental difficulties in either or both the child and adult, some babies and toddlers lose trust in their significant caregivers. They become unresponsive or frequently aggressive. The work of Bowlby and Ainsworth on attachment theory, and the psychologists who came after them, have documented that even very unhealthy attachments can be improved. When early childhood teachers and parent educators work together with families, young children who may have lost a ready need for approval and acknowledgment can be helped to rekindle these needs.
The need for approval and acknowledgement is the natural and healthy state of all young children, though they may not always show these needs exactly as we might like. See the chat on whining for "part 2" of this response. :-)).
classroom discipline plan
Our district asks us to post (and use) a classroom discipline plan. I mostly like the idea, but I feel that each incident requires a response that may not fit every situation. I also find that as time goes on and we become more familiar with each other, I'm less likely to strictly stick to "the plan". Any ideas on best way to set up a plan and how important is it to stick to it EVERY SINGLE time?
Classroom Plan
Not sure if your plan is already stated out by the district, and you have to display and follow it, or if you can develop your own plan. Hope it is the later, and will reply under this assumption. If posting your own rules is the case, then Cindylee makes a useful suggestion. Her points are steps in social problem solving that can be used with individual children, a couple of kids in conflict, or an entire class that needs to address an issue--steps that can be flexibly applied.
For teachers who can take a pretty pure guidance approach, some sample principles (not practices) follow: A rationale--for the benefit of principals, etc.--for a plan based on principles rather than practices is that young children are not ready for lockstep teacher interventions that they may not understand and react well to. Maybe worth a shot... The principles are based on the premise that "every member of this classroom is a person of worth."
1. We regard conflicts as opportunities for children to learn from, not misbehaviors that children need to be punished for.
2. The consequence for having a conflict is the child needs to learn a better way to handle that conflict…one step at a time.
3. In our classroom we work hard to use friendly words and friendly touches.
4. Harm, embarrassment, and humiliation are not to happen in this classroom.
5. The teacher is firm when needed, but firm and friendly not firm and harsh.
6. When conflicts happen we use social problem solving with individual children, small groups of children, and the whole class.
7. We emphasize guidelines, positive statements like "friendly touches only," rather than rules, which are often stated in the negative. (Guidelines make the teacher a leader rather than a law enforcer.)
8. Teacher-child-family partnerships are the key to healthy social and emotional development.
The booklet, "Developmentally Appropriate Guidance" put out by the Minnesota Association for the Education of Young Children and mentioned in a couple of chats, lists ten principles (not specific practices) some of which might be useful to post and follow. I am the author of DAG, but it was gratis and all proceeds go to MnAEYC.
Classroom plan
Could you make the plan basic enough that it does fit? Example: 1. Look at the challenge 2. Create optional solutions 3. Try one. Or 1. Evaluate inappropriate behavior 2. Choose a socially acceptable behavior 3. Practice
Shall we call it stealing?
Few children in my preschool steal erasers, pencils from their classmates bags. Shall we call it stealing in early years too?
Taking things
Let's start this one with a case study. (The teacher, Marsha, used one practice in the case study that I might not use, but it helped.) Just four-year-old Priscilla began taking miniature figures home with her. After detecting fewer figures, Marsha gave the departing kids the quick look-over and noticed bulges in Priscilla's pockets with heads of critters sticking out. She quietly had Marsha empty her pockets, saying, "Priscilla you must be hungry. Today and every day that you don't have figures, I will give you a hand full of raisins to take with you." (Priscilla liked raisins; Marsha let the sugar content issue slide for a while.) They got into this routine. Before we get to the part where the other kids noticed, let's see what else Marsha did.
Marsha did a staffing with her fellow-Head Start colleagues, including the home visitor for Priscilla. They determined the following: Priscilla was fifth of seven children. Her dad was a cross-country truck driver and was away a lot. Her mom seemed a bit overwhelmed by life circumstances, not the least of which was caring for seven kids mainly on her own. The home visitor observed that Priscilla was almost an invisible child in her family. The kid Really blended in. The team figured that by taking the figures Priscilla was actually giving herself gifts to feel just a little special.
Marsha and the other staff decided on a plan. They would try the raisins for 10 class days. Each day, the three classroom staff each found a few minutes for contact talks (one-on-one quality time) with Priscilla. They knew Priscilla loved books and did a lot of lap technique reading with her. The home visitor and Mom decided that an older sister would read to Priscilla every night at bedtime. Mom's first language was not English and staff guessed she was a non-reader in English.) The home visitor worked with the older sister (who wanted to be a teacher) on this and got her a supply of books, among them Priscilla's favorites.
At Head Start, th other kids noticed the raisins and asked the "universal deprived kid question," "How come she gets some?" At a class meeting, staff explained explained they were working on a special kid project with Priscilla. (They did not say what.) The teachers added that if other children wanted to work on a special project too, to ask for some raisins at the end of the day. No one else knew about Priscilla giving herself presents. The kids did ask for raisins until most of them, like Priscilla, got tired of them. Priscilla stopped taking figures home.
Several Kids?
If several kids are involved in taking things, this has become a socially influenced mistaken behavior. If you know who is giving themselves presents, step up your relationship with these kids outside of the conflict situation--so they know you better and you know them better. Maybe talk about the taking, but in ways that don't cause "relationship relapse."
If taking things is pretty apparent to the group, I suggest that staff plan and hold a class meeting. Set it up so no names will be mentioned. One approach is for two teachers to do a short puppet play. One sock puppets sets down his pencil and the other takes it. The first puppet becomes very sad. Break for discussion. Ask the group how the second puppet can make the first one feel better. Resume the play. Then discuss the issue.
Or, the teachers could use the five-finger formula for social problem solving to form an informal agenda for the class meeting. You can assign the fingers:
1. Set the scene. Get everyone calm and ready for a respectful discussion.
2. Have children help you identify the problem. Not moralistically, just factually.
3. Get the children to brainstorm solutions to the problem. The children may get righteous in their suggested resolutions. Rephrase them as positively as you can.
4. Together, decide on a solution and a plan for implementing it. Go for it.
5. Monitor the solution and follow-up quietly with children you know who may be giving themselves presents.
Keep quietly focused on the kids who have been doing the taking, with regular contact talks and a friendly relationship. A positive relationship does make a difference! (Positive relationships, though, take more than "catch them being good"--which to me is an unhelpful cliche. From my perspective, tell parents only if they can handled the matter without going ballistic.
In relation to conflict mediation—when the conflict of a couple of kids is escalating--I talk more about the five-finger formula in the March 2006 Guidance Matters column. This column is condensed in a reader-friendly form in a recent issue of TEACHING YOUNG CHILDREN, which I am hoping a staff person can post a location for.
Teachers also use the five-finger formula informally in Guidance Talks—when an individual child has fallen into a conflict—and, as mentioned, informally in class meetings. In whatever format, the first step is the most critical. Calm everyone first, yourself too. The formula does not have to be used perfectly to work, and it will work pretty consistently with practice. Try it, you may like it.
Hope this helps, Sangeeta.
Taking things
The article Dan is referring to is "A Five-Step Process for Conflict Mediation," which appears in the June/July 2010 issue of "Teaching Young Children" (Vol. 3, No. 5). Visit www.naeyc.org/tyc/subscribe for information about how to receive a copy of this issue.
We're having discussion about what constitutes "shaming" when dealing with preschool behavior. Some believe it is culturally determined. Can you provide some resources and/or examples?
There is a view out there that if members of a particular ethnic group use practices like shaming, physical punishment, or respecting father figures more than mother-figures, then ECE programs serving these kids must condone these beliefs, maybe even follow these practices. To me, this view is misguided and mistaken, when these practices run counter to principles of an encouraging classroom.
An encouraging classroom is a place where all community members are valued, where all members want to be. As such, encouraging classrooms totally respect the universal constant in democratic life, the worth of each member. That is why encouraging classrooms have live-by guidelines like:
•Friendly touches only.
•Friendly words only.
For me, to respect cultural diversity means to appreciate the history, heritage, and values of every family in the class, whatever their makeup and particular ethnic affiliation. BUT, in the classroom, providers are under no obligation to condone specific actions that might harm any community member. So, teachers work hard to be inclusive of children whose families celebrate Christmas on January 7th, or celebrate holidays other than Christmas, or celebrate holidays not at all, or pray five times a day. But they take a stand against any practice that is hurtful to any member of the class, including practices that might be common among members of an ethnic group. Like making fun of a person from a different religion or shaming a child who has caused a conflict.
When using leadership to prevent oppression, in order to reduce putting the child in a marginal status between home and school, the teacher avoids judgmental words and actions. She or he does NOT say, "You might do that at home, but not in this classroom." Instead the teacher says, "We have guidelines in our classroom. One is using friendly words only. This is something we all try to do."
Remember, just because some members of an ethic group use a particular practice at home, other members of that same ethnic group may not. For instance, some Native American families do not celebrate Thanksgiving Day. They view this holiday as perpetuating myths about the historic relations of Europeans and indigenous peoples. Others do, such as an Ojibwe student who once explained to our class that her family celebrates Thanksgiving; one of the things they celebrate is having their own family culture!
So, who of an ethnic group owns or disowns a particular practice like shaming? Right from the beginning of the program, getting to know individual families is key to teachers in figuring out this cultural puzzle. Right at the beginning, as well, teachers should make the classroom principle of mutual respect known to every family. Let them know that it is important for children to learn mutual-respect while they are young, and it will be practiced every day.
Likewise, classroom volunteers and new staff, of whatever ethnic background and of whatever family culture, should be oriented to this principle. "In our classroom we show respect even to children facing difficult circumstances who have frequent conflicts." "We are firm when we need to be to prevent harm, but firm and friendly, not firm and harsh." "'Friendly words only' is a goal in this classroom for adults as well as children." "We all make mistakes, we just need to learn from them." "We follow these principles and practice these guidelines with the children in order to continue to build our democratic (lower case "d") society."
Communicating with parents
I have a student who behaves aggressively towards his peers. When he plays he will suddenly head-butt, hit or kick another child. He has improved with caring but firm guidance. How can I maintain communication with the parents of the children being hurt without jeopardizing the student's FERPA rights?
Communicating with parents
Meeting with parents around hurting behavior in a classroom is one of the most challenging parts of the caregiver's job. Being a professor, I've got to start this discussion the way many would, at the beginning. Then we will talk about having a meeting.
As indicated in the YC Guidance Matters column of January 2008, "Comprehensive Guidance," the teacher builds relationships with parents right from the very first contact. Biggest duh question of the chat is this: "if a child falls and breaks a wrist in January, would you rather have this be your first meaningful contact with the parents or would you prefer to have built a good relationship with them from the very first day?" Families who know you are going to come into a meeting about hurting behavior in your classroom with a different perspective than parents who don't know you.
Another important first step, I believe, is to have a clearly spelled out guidance policy, summarized in a guidebook (like the one put out by MnAEYC mentioned elsewhere, or your own organic one). My suggestion is to go over the guidebook with all families in a "Greeting Meeting" at the beginning of the year—and with new hires. Existing staff might develop and review the guidebook periodically, so all are on the same page with it. Needless to say, the guidebook should be about using Guidance or "good guidance": "teaching children to solve their problems rather than punishing children for having problems they haven't learned yet how to solve."
As to the meeting, if it is one or two families only whose children have been hurt, consider meeting with them individually. If many families are involved, consider holding a general meeting. In either case, be sure to contact in advance the family of the child who has been hurting others and let them know. Emphasize the privacy policy—this is important--and discuss the matter with them.
With one or two families, I personally would not invite the family of the child causing conflicts to attend. With a general meeting, I think you should not try to prevent the family from attending. It would be their right to attend, though they may choose not to. Help them realize that if they do attend, they may want to speak up, and this would jeopardize privacy considerations you are obligated to follow.
In holding the meeting, emphasize throughout that the purpose is to understand the situation and ensure safety. As leader make clear that the meeting is to remain civil and respectful and it is the leader's job is to keep it that way. Follow a set agenda, perhaps on a flip chart, that clearly allows for family input. Give an upper time limit for the meeting, like an hour, but let families know they can talk more after the hour or make a follow-up appointment. The agenda might have these parts:
1. Purpose of meeting: Civil and Respectful; open discussion within privacy policies
2. Explanation of the situation: Emphasize progress being made.
3. Steps staff are taking, following program policies
4. Input from families, important, see below*
5. Follow-up Steps: Find positives and points of agreement to end on.
*Family members will need to actually share their concerns and observations. This part of the meeting needs to be a dialog so families recognize that their viewpoints are being listened to. One dad's attitude toward his own child being hurt softened when he recalled at the meeting that he had temper problems when he was a young child at school.
Do your best to be inclusive of the viewpoints of your families, at the same time letting them know that you need to follow program policies. (This is where the Guidebook could come up in.) This step lets families know you are acting as professionals. Emphasize that the unidentified child is making real progress. As ECE teachers, the staff is working for the healthy social-emotional of all children in the group, including children who may be facing difficult life circumstances. Maybe make this point, "It is the goal of the program not to give up on any child. But at the same time, a high priority is to ensure everyone's safety. This is how we are doing that"
Agree to a follow-up meeting if you think appropriate. You can maybe use this prospect, which is often responsible program procedure, in order to help the family of the child causing conflicts to realize they and you need to work together. Best wishes with this issue; it is a difficulty one for any program. This topic might make a future Guidance Matters column, and that is a compliment to Anonymous.
In addition to the January 2008 Guidance Matters column, I also suggest the January 2011 column, which makes reference to a meeting with families around harm happening in a classroom. Hit the link on the right of the chat page or go to www.naeyc.org/yc/columns/guidance
New to work with one year olds.
Hi! I'm so excited to be able to ask you a few questions. I'm new to working with infants and young toddlers. I currently work with 1 year olds and some of my co-workers believe holding them will spoil them. We have 9, and I believe they are in our care all day, shouldn't you hold them? I really believe that nurturing and loving them is most important. Now the children I once hugged and let crawl into my lap I have been told not to pick them up, and of course they are confused. Any thoughts? Thank you!!
New to caring for one-year-olds
My goodness, it is important to pick up and hold babies whenever they need this. Babies need unconditional touches, holding, and cuddling to develop in healthy ways, all day, every day. Even I, a generic ECE guy, know this. I think of the wonderful infant-toddler caregivers I have worked with. They pick-up, hold, and cuddle babies, then put them get down to explore the environment until the babies return. This balance of warm, physical re-assurance/physical care along with nudging toward independence is called "the dance." This means that adults attune themselves to the rhythms of the infant and when the two click, they are in pretty good harmony. (A "song and dance," in the good sense.)
Maybe staff are saying that you shouldn't pick up and hold infants too much? Caregivers at all levels need to balance the two sets of needs in every individual, for safety and for growth. Overuse of cuddling and holding can prevent babies from exploring their environments and give them the message that the world is dangerous and not to be explored. The giving comfort/nudge-to-explore balance is different for each little one, but caregivers need to keep that balance so the healthy dance, and healthy development, can continue.
Another way to say this is that babies need the unconditional acceptance of warm physical touch to keep their stress levels low and trust levels high, so they can explore and do the learning they need to do. I suggest you consider talking with the staff more, and ask if they mean too much holding or "not at all." Some programs use the guideline of giving hugs and cuddles only when the child so requests. Preschooler may be easier to read in this request than babies are. I think most experts would agree that too much holding is better for babies than not enough.
It is important at all levels that teachers be true to themselves, be the worthy humans they want to be. A tough balance, especially in this day and age, is taking or keeping that job when how you see yourself working with children is challenged. It is important to make perceived differences workable by ongoing communication, right from the beginning of a new job. Quietly, and as a professional, if fellow-floor staff see things way different than you, you might talk with a supervisor.
If the entire program policy has different priorities than your own professional principles, you may have to look for another job. About a year ago, I got an email from a recent ECE graduate who told me she was in her third child care program in three months. This third one believed in developmentally appropriate practice and guidance as she did, and she was finally a happy camp counselor. (Maybe don't leave the present one until you have the new one. Practical consideration.)
Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, nationally known as the "Baby Dr.," has many good materials for infant/toddler caregivers. He has particular thoughts about "spoiling," which many believe cannot happen before about nine months. NAEYC's book, DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE PRACTICE IN PROGRAMS SERVING YOUNG CHILDREN AGES BIRTH TO EIGHT, has a wealth of information about caring for infants. It is the standard in the field and all programs should have and consult copies. Helpful articles on caregiving with babies are also found in issues of YOUNG CHILDREN. Check them out, and good luck
New to work with one year olds
Thanks, Dan! I'd like to follow up with some additional resources.
NAEYC recently released the book "Basics of Developmentally Appropriate Practice: An Introduction for Teachers of Infants & Toddlers." Visit www.naeyc.org/store/node/17220 to read an excerpt and order a copy.
Check out the "Young Children" article "Learning to Be Me While Coming to Understand We: Encouraging Prosocial Babies in Group Settings" at www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/200907/McMullenWeb709.pdf. The authors describe practices that help babies learn about caring, friendship, kindness, affection, empathy, and more.
The "Young Children" column "Rocking and Rolling: Supporting Infants, Toddlers, and Their Families" also provides plenty of practical tips about caring for infants and toddlers. All the columns are available at www.naeyc.org/yc/columns/rocking.
Finally, Zero to Three has lots of resources about infant and toddler development, including those for providers. Visit www.zerotothree.org.
I heard you speak at a conference about a year ago and you mentioned a small booklet that you had and I think was also from NAEYC as a position statement on guidance. I cannot seem to find it anywhere. It is not your book The Power of Guidance.
Thank you~~
Thank you for the question! We believe the publication you are referring to is the Minnesota Association for the Education of Young Children (MnAEYC) booklet "Developmentally Appropriate Guidance of Young Children." It is in its 5th edition. To order a copy, please contact MnAEYC directly. Visit the web at www.mnaeyc-mnsaca.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=5 or call 651-646-8689.
Whining during free play and group time
There are few preschoolers in my classroom that continually whine. On the playground, every interaction that does not go there way, they run to the teacher. During a group time art activity, I hear "I want more paint", "I want a new brush", "I want my own tray", etc. The whine in the child's voice, is very pronounced. What positive guidance techniques can I use for this behavior?
Whining is one of those attention getters that is really a request by a child for a connection with an adult. The child just doesn't know how else to ask for a solid relationship. Insecurity commonly is behind the request, and also commonly this behavior really bugs some teachers.
My first suggestion is to figure out how to build the relationship with the child. Find some moments a few times a day to talk while the child is doing an activity, like reading a book together. Use your smarts about when and how to do this. Use private encouragement and work to build the child's confidence. Talk matter of factly about whining with the child. Teach what the child can say instead and even what kind of voice to use.
A second suggestion is this: One advantage of getting BIG BODY ACTIVITY (Carlson, 2011) into programs is it builds confidence in children about their bodies. Running climbing, tumbling, and even play wrestling helps children realize what they can do, not just think they can't without a teacher's help. With accomplishments in physical activity comes confidence, and the need for whining decreases.
A January 2007 YC Guidance Matters column talks about a related behavior, "Tattling, It Drives Teachers Bonkers." Teachers might pick up some tips about whining from that column. Also, the March 2008 column, "Physical Activity: It's Proactive Guidance" might provide some food for thought. (Carrot sticks not Twinkies.)


text:
The NFL rules the sports world, particularly the American portion of it — but according to an annual ranking of celebrity clout by Forbes magazine, the stars of the country's most powerful sports league ride the bench.
The 2013 version of the Forbes Celebrity 100, released late last month and printed in the magazine's July 15 edition, includes two NFL players. No surprise that they're both quarterbacks, both Super Bowl winners and recent recipients of lucrative contract extensions: the New Orleans Saints' Drew Brees at No. 50, and the New England Patriots' Tom Brady at 65.
In all, 17 athletes are represented, led by tennis star Roger Federer at No. 8. Justin Bieber is No. 9
LeBron James of the NBA champion Miami Heat is the highest-ranked team sport athlete at 16th; Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers is, coincidentally, No. 24.
Eight athletes worldwide make the list ahead of Brees. They are Tiger Woods at No. 15; David Beckham at No. 19; Cristiano Ronaldo at No. 31; Lionel Messi at No. 39; and Usain Bolt at No. 48.
Also on the list: Rafael Nadal at No. 51; Phil Mickelson at No. 52; Serena Williams at No. 56; Maria Sharapova at No. 62; Manny Pacquiao at No. 78; Brady's wife Gisele Bundchen at No. 81; Floyd Mayweather at No. 88; and Danica Patrick at No. 91.
The American team sport performers — there were four, the aforementioned two each from the NFL and NBA — play in leagues with salary caps, likely the biggest drag on the measured income. Between salary restraints, lesser endorsements and the NFL's propensity for promoting teams over individuals, Brees (listed at $51 million for June 2012-13, thanks largely to his new contract and $37 million signing bonus a year ago) and Brady ($38 million) lag far behind James ($60 million).
NFL players never heavily populate Forbes' list — in fact, for several years, none made the cut. In 2011, Brady and Peyton Manning appeared, and repeated last year (Manning was 40th, Brady 60th). Ironically, the emergence of this exclusive group coincides both with the seasons following the lockout and new labor agreement, and with new contracts for stars at the league's glamour position with a combined 40 seasons and eight Super Bowl appearances.
Forbes' annual list, compiled since 1999, is not a strict numerical, objective ranking; the highest earner is not automatically on top of the list. Technically, it's a "power" rating, and income is only part of the equation, although, the magazine explains, "earnings carry the most rate." The formula, it says, takes into account "entertainment-related earnings plus media visibility (exposure in print, television, radio and online)."
It includes celebrities from every area of entertainment, although it noted that it reworked the formula to de-emphasize reality-show personalities.
Oprah Winfrey topped the list after coming in second the previous two years.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
I'm still trying to weed out and narrow down the discs that work for me and the discs that don't. Here's what I've got in the bag.
Z Flick 174g
Star Max 175g
Star Destroyer 175g (stable)
Star Destroyer 175g (less stable)
Star Wraith 166g
Champ Wraith 172g
DX Destroyer 171g (call me Capt. Flippy)
Star TeeRex 172g (retired first ace)
Champ Beast 175g
FLX Surge 173g
Champ Valkyrie JK 5x 170g
Z Wildcat 171g (likely leaving the bag)
Star TL 175g
Champ Roadrunner 163g
DX Roc 167g
Z Buzz 172g
"Simon" ESP Buzz 171 g
First Run Kite 171 (leaving bag soon)
KC Pro Aviar 175g (new, unthrown)
2 Aviar P&A 171g (one more beat in)


text:
Firefox 1.0
Posted 08 November 2004 - 06:47 PM
Posted 08 November 2004 - 06:51 PM
Well, looking forward to America's November the 9th then. It's already tomorrow here though.
Posted 09 November 2004 - 05:38 AM
I'm afraid the sites are taking a bit of a bashing, so heres a link:
and for all us torrent people:
Posted 09 November 2004 - 05:52 AM
Posted 09 November 2004 - 06:53 AM
So, it could be any time within the next two weeks or so. (maybe even today, if there happens to be an empty slot available.)
And maybe it did happen today - the Spread Firefox page is not resolving for me.
Posted 09 November 2004 - 07:47 AM
Do you have to uninstall the evaluation version before installing 1.0?
Posted 09 November 2004 - 08:29 AM
Like you Tim, i thought i was already using Firefox 1.0.
Do you have to uninstall the evaluation version before installing 1.0?
Mike, you can just install it and it will update it for you and keep all your extensions (if compatible) and all other info.
Posted 09 November 2004 - 08:33 AM
Posted 09 November 2004 - 10:00 AM
I'm experiencing problems as well. After a long delay I managed to get the getfirefox.com page to load without style sheets, but couldn't get any further.
And maybe it did happen today - the Spread Firefox page is not resolving for me.
But the bright side is that lots more people are using Firefox .
I'l just have to try again tomorrow.
Posted 11 November 2004 - 12:42 PM
I still haven't figured out how to read RSS newsfeeds in Firefox, which has really been going well in Opera. What's the easiest way to read newsfeeds in Firefox? I thought I'd seen it somewhere but my search did not turn up an answer.
Posted 11 November 2004 - 02:03 PM
I really have played with RSS feeds so I don't even know what they are supposed to look like....but..
There is an orange square on the bottom right of the firefox browser window (at least on Mac OSX, version 1.0beta. ) that says "RSS"
I clicked it while at cre8asite and it gave me an option to 'subscribe to rss' I did that and it created a bookmark. That bookmark contains a list of links to various topics within cre8asite.
Is this how the RSS is supposed to work?
Frank V.
Posted 11 November 2004 - 03:03 PM
Posted 11 November 2004 - 03:35 PM
Is this how the RSS is supposed to work?
I'm not sure that their implementation is quite up to what you would get using a news aggregator that is specifically for just RSS feeds.
There's an excellent list of different RSS readers here:
Or an online service like bloglines or Kinja might be something you want to look at.
I guess the Firefox developers thought that they had to start somewhere. Hopefully it will improve with newer releases.
Posted 11 November 2004 - 04:00 PM
Anyway, it might be worth checking it out: http://sage.mozdev.org/
Posted 11 November 2004 - 04:25 PM
Did try to see if it could pick up the Cre8asite feed, but it doesn't (not sure if it should be able to or not) it does however display feeds from Apple and BBC etc. It also has a feature that can search for feeds from sites displayed in Safari.
Mac OS X 10.3,
Posted 11 November 2004 - 05:06 PM
NetNewsWire from the link in Bills post is much better, now I get the RSS feed from Cre8asite, I can even read the post I made above, in it which is great.
Posted 11 November 2004 - 05:49 PM
I was just in the process of writing a long'ish review in the Website Hospital forum, and I used an extension to help me out (one that opens the current page in IE)...and Firefox crashed..even though IE opened fine. :cry: I guess that just teaches me to write my posts elsewhere and copy them in...
Posted 11 November 2004 - 06:06 PM
I tried that Sage extension you mentioned, Tim, for RSS newsfeeds and it seems OK. The Live Bookmarks are OK as well. However both show me all the items in each news feed. With Opera I can see what new items have been added and even set it up to look only at the latest unread items. Now that's great, but I don't know how to do that with Firefox.
I also love the Wand in Opera that inserts Usernames and Passwords and then opens the particular web page. That's all just with one click on the Wand. I don't see how I'm going to get the same functionality although there is something about Passwords in Firefox that I haven't got to yet.
Nevertheless I just keep on trying to get Firefox to work the way I want it.
Posted 11 November 2004 - 06:12 PM
Posted 14 November 2004 - 07:35 AM
Posted 14 November 2004 - 09:34 PM
Frank V.
Posted 14 November 2004 - 10:13 PM
I like having the posts come to my desktop, rather than logging in somewhere else.
Posted 15 November 2004 - 07:41 AM
Now I find Bloglines gives me in Firefox exactly the same functionality as I was getting in Opera. Also the Bloglines extension you spotted that gives me one click submission of RSS newsfeeds to my Bloglines web page is really great.
So on this I'm now a very happy camper.
Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:58 AM
I really have got to say that as I continue to explore Firefox 1.0 I'm like a small kid on Christmas morning with all those exciting packages under the tree. I thought Opera was great when I switched to that and was resisting Firefox for some time, but last week I tipped over. I check out a lot of websites for my clients and it's just ideal for really getting into depth on that. Just one small feature for example. I set up a 800 x 600 window to do my checking. On my 1024 x 768 screen that allows me to jump around like crazy. But there's so much, much more.
So does everyone else feel like me? I know they do on Jill's Forum. Am I the only one here who is over the moon about this?
Posted 17 November 2004 - 08:06 AM
But FF seems to be less forgiving than some browsers (that's a *good* thing), and you've given me another reason to use it: the window resizing. Thanks.
Posted 17 November 2004 - 08:15 AM
I also agree about the unforgiving nature as well. I had a case that I still don't understand. It was a website for a small candle manufacturer. In IE the centre of the home page has a beautiful large image of the various candles and there are menu bars across the top and down the left hand side. Very pleasing.
In Firefox, the image did not appear at all. :? I didn't have the time to explore why this happened.
I think with the rapid growth of Firefox and the big blitz now in November (New York Times ad), a large number of web designers need to get up to speed fast. I've noticed some astounding glitches with some of the real blue-chip websites that are around.
Posted 17 November 2004 - 08:17 AM
View and Edit CSS
Hide images
Replace images with alt
Disable image animations
View a speed report
Resize a page to 800x600 or any other size
Validate HTML and CSS
and much more.
Another handy extension I found lets me control itunes from the bottom of the browser.
Posted 17 November 2004 - 06:52 PM
For those who haven't yet made the switch from IE to Firefox, here's an article I found which sums up the pros and cons nicely:
Review: Migrating to Mozilla FireFox
It's in two parts, the second part is intended to be read once you've been convinced by the first part:
Installing Mozilla FireFox: A Practical Guide
Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:04 PM
Firefox Extension crawl today, and now have 31 extensions installed - 13 of them installed today.
Which really is part of what puts me off using it as my primary browser.
When I upgrade Opera, or install it on a new machine, I alter a few toolbars, download MacosVolter skin, and am done.
With Firefox I'd be there for ages finding, downloading, insatlling new extensions all the time. I really can't be bother with that hassle, especially on a new machine when there are laods of other programmes I want to install too.
Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:07 PM
But, if there was an extension that made a nice text file with a list of your installed extensions and the pages to download them from, would that make the reinstalling process easier?
Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:07 PM
Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:09 PM
Compared to an opera install, it jsut doesn't compare for me. Besides, I haven;t seen an FF tool as good as Opera's mouse gestures yet
Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:10 PM
neat Opera feature is that you can customize your toolsbars
And where they display
I persoanlyl like my tabs and personal bar at the bottom of the screen, rather than the top....
Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:15 PM
And that's also built into Firefox - no extension needed.
neat Opera feature is that you can customize your toolsbars
https://update.mozil.....ouse Gestures
Besides, I haven;t seen an FF tool as good as Opera's mouse gestures yet
It's the Firefox and Opera war.
Posted 18 November 2004 - 12:25 PM
I love that F3 'Find in This Page' feature that puts a little bar across the bottom of the screen with a few relevant buttons. I loved that Highlight button that highlights all instances of the searched text on the page. It was great.
Suddenly it's stopped working. Can anyone think why? Is it just me? Did I do something wrong?
Posted 18 November 2004 - 01:52 PM
But then the thing about Firefox is there's extensions that do all of that anyway . And with a list of your extensions, it'll probably take 5 minutes at most to go through and install them all.
The thought of requiring yet more extensions to do stuff that Opera does out of the box isn't any incentive
And no, it wouldn't really take 5 mins. If you've got a new system, and a list of what you want, you still need to find them, download them, and then install them.
Otherwise I need to keep a copy of the extension install files on something, a CD or USB memory stick or something. Which then needs updating if I ever update any of the extensions.
To me it's hassle, I don't want hassle. Getting onto a new machine and installing Opera is painless. Once 7.6 is released properly, I'll need about a 4MB download of Opera. A seperate Java installer, which might be with something else, or doesn't change/update very often anyway. Then a few toolbar tweaks, which I could automate by saving a master opera6def.ini file, and a skin download, which again rarely gets updated.
Firefox is a good browser, I like it, I use it as a 2nd choice. But for my everyday use, I find Opera does what I want much better. Less hassle to go from nothing to full working mode with it. Mouse gestures that work better than any of those FF extensions IMO. I prefer the working of the tabbed browsing in Opera, and the toolbars aren't as customisable in FF.
Posted 22 November 2004 - 07:11 AM
Silly me.
The first glitch I've spotted.
It was me, not Firefox. I loaded the Firefox version of the Google Toolbar that also has highlighting of keywords. So Google had muscled out the Firefox version of highlighting. So I'm back to my euphoria about Firefox.
Posted 30 November 2004 - 08:02 AM
Posted 30 November 2004 - 08:06 AM
I just assumed it was a problem with my DNS. Everytime it happened, I'd flush my DNS cache, and it would be fine... so that made me think it's not Firefox. But if you're experiencing it as well, and only with Firefox, maybe there is something strange going on....
If you flush your cache, do you still get the errors?
(Start-->Run, ipconfig /flushdns)
Posted 02 December 2004 - 07:52 AM
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text:
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A man who was charged with intoxicated manslaughter pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 15 years for causing the crash that killed a Dallas police officer's son, and a pregnant woman.
In May 2012, Jeremy Price and his pregnant passenger Kellilynne Seaman were in a a PT Crusier with Seaman's 7-month old baby in the backseat.
Matthew Moore, 27, was intoxicated, his blood alcohol level nearly twice the legal limit, according to court documents. He sped down Corinth Street and ran a red light at Ervay, crashing his pickup truck into the PT Cruiser, witnesses said.
Price was killed in the crash and Seaman suffered severe brain trauma and lost the 20-week-old fetus. The 7-month old in the backseat survived but suffered a few injuries. Seaman was in a coma for nearly 400 days and died from injuries earlier this year.
Moore pleaded guilty on Monday to three counts of intoxicated manslaughter and one count of intoxicated assault.


text:
In the Town Crier's Sidewalk Interview last week, it didn't surprise me that five out of six respondents said Thanksgiving would be incomplete without the family gathering – I, too, was looking forward to my family's holiday visit.
Even the response noting that the absence of a traditional holiday dish would make the special day deficient implies the presence of a loved one who started serving the time-honored recipe. My mom always served the same casserole of candied sweet potatoes served by her mother. And when I'm preparing the holiday meal, I cook them, too, even though they're passed around the table untouched.
So I was a little surprised while watching CNN 4:30 Thanksgiving morning – shoppers on the East Coast were already lined up in front of closed stores, securing prime positions in their quests to save big bucks the following day. Pathetic.
Barring air travel or must-see movie premieres, I can't imagine why anyone would stand in line for the opportunity to save 50 percent on items originally marked up 80 percent of cost, forgoing the company of family and friends, food and warm hearth. After all, it's not sunny in Philadelphia this time of year.
Maybe the traditional family gathering is over-rated. Upon wishing a store clerk a happy turkey day, he replied, "We'll see. You know how family gatherings can get sometimes."
Maybe super sales are a great excuse to avoid the questionable culinary capabilities of Thanksgiving's customary cook. Maybe it costs less to freeze in frigid temperatures and save on a sale than it does to heat a home and listen to Uncle Joe, who's full of hot air.
In essence, whatever meaningful tradition we can consume on our Thanksgiving holiday is swallowed by consumptive consumers on Black Friday as stores open doors earlier and earlier to shoppers eager to spend cash on things they don't really need or destined to be designated as white-elephant gifts. Maybe I'm from the old school of math, but I find much more value in treasured family members than I do saving a 30-percent bottom line. And math hasn't changed much in 50 years – two plus two still equals four and our time together on Earth with those we cherish is not infinite. Instead of spending, I have vowed this year to create gifts I know will be appreciated instead of choosing items attractive only because of a sales tag. And that involves knowing what family and friends need or desire. And that involves communicating. And communication happens when we spend time with each other, not in a line full of strangers.
My son would like a knitted scarf, daughter Sara would like to learn to sew and compile family recipes, Aubrey appreciates vintage clothing (I have a wardrobe full) and Maraya wants an iPod (dang).
Travis selected his pattern and I've purchased the yarn (maybe someday I'll have the time to create the homespun variety), the sewing machine is out for a visiting daughter and I'm writing a family cookbook, awaiting in attic trunks are outmoded fashions for refurbishing, and I'll splurge on the iPod and load it with some mom-songs that have meaning for me.
The time we put into what we give is so much more valuable than what's on sale and becomes an irreplaceable memory – like candied sweet potatoes.
Mary Beth Hislop is a Town Crier staff writer.