text:
Barack Obama, our next President
There are 1580106 comments on the Hampton Roads Daily Press story from Nov 5, 2008, titled Barack Obama, our next President. In it, Hampton Roads Daily Press reports that:"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep," Obama cautioned. Young and charismatic but with little experience on the national level, Obama smashed through racial barriers and easily defeated ...
Join the discussion below, or Read more at Hampton Roads Daily Press.
#1011577 Oct 25, 2013
The phase space formulation of quantum mechanics places the position and momentum variables on equal footing, in phase space. In contrast, the Schrödinger picture uses the position or momentum representations (see also position and momentum space). The two key features of the phase space formulation are that the quantum state is described by a quasiprobability distribution (instead of a wave function, state vector, or density matrix) and operator multiplication is replaced by a star product.
The theory was fully detailed by Hip Groenewold in 1946 in his PhD thesis,[1] with significant parallel contributions by Joe Moyal,[2] each building off earlier ideas by Hermann Weyl[3] and Eugene Wigner.[4]
The chief advantage of the phase space formulation is that it makes quantum mechanics appear as similar to Hamiltonian mechanics as possible by avoiding the operator formalism, thereby "'freeing' the quantization of the 'burden' of the Hilbert space."[5] This formulation is statistical in nature and offers logical connections between quantum mechanics and classical statistical mechanics, enabling a natural comparison between the two (cf. classical limit). Quantum mechanics in phase space is often favored in certain quantum optics applications (see optical phase space), or in the study of decoherence and a range of specialized technical problems, though otherwise the formalism is less commonly employed in practical situations.[6]
The conceptual ideas underlying the development of quantum mechanics in phase space have branched into mathematical offshoots such as deformation theory (cf. Kontsevich quantization formula) and noncommutative geometry.
#1011578 Oct 25, 2013
Main articles: Quasiprobability distribution, Wigner quasiprobability distribution, and WignerWeyl transform
The phase space distribution f(x,p) of a quantum state is a quasiprobability distribution. In the phase space formulation, the phase-space distribution may be treated as the fundamental, primitive description of the quantum system, without any reference to wave functions or density matrices.[7]
There are several different ways to represent the distribution, all interrelated.[8][9] The most noteworthy is the Wigner representation, W(x,p), discovered first.[4] Other representations (in approximately descending order of prevalence in the literature) include the Glauber-Sudarshan P,[10][11] Husimi Q,[12] Kirkwood-Rihaczek, Mehta, Rivier, and Born-Jordan representations.[13][14] These alternatives are most useful when the Hamiltonian takes a particular form, such as normal order for the GlauberSudarshan P-representation. Since the Wigner representation is the most common, this article will usually stick to it, unless otherwise specified.
The phase space distribution possesses properties akin to the probability density in a 2n-dimensional phase space. For example, it is real-valued, unlike the generally complex-valued wave function. We can understand the probability of lying within a position interval, for example, by integrating the Wigner function over all momenta and over the position interval:
#1011579 Oct 25, 2013
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#1011580 Oct 25, 2013
like you molesting a child
A point of caution, however: despite the similarity in appearance, W(x,p) is not a genuine joint probability distribution, because regions under it do not represent mutually exclusive states, as required in the third axiom of probability theory. Moreover, it can, in general, take negative values even for pure states, with the unique exception of (optionally squeezed) coherent states, in violation of the first axiom.
Regions of such negative value are provable to be "small": they cannot extend to compact regions larger than a few ħ, and hence disappear in the classical limit. They are shielded by the uncertainty principle, which does not allow precise localization within phase-space regions smaller than ħ, and thus renders such "negative probabilities" less paradoxical. If the left side of the equation is to be interpreted as an expectation value in the Hilbert space with respect to an operator, then in the context of quantum optics this equation is known as the optical equivalence theorem.(For details on the properties and interpretation of the Wigner function, see its main article.)
#1011581 Oct 25, 2013
The time evolution of the phase space distribution is given by a quantum modification of Liouville flow.[2][9][19] This formula results from applying the Wigner transformation to the density matrix version of the quantum Liouville equation, the von Neumann equation.
In any representation of the phase space distribution with its associated star product, this is
or, for the Wigner function in particular,
where {{,}} is the Moyal bracket, the Wigner transform of the quantum commutator, while {,} is the classical Poisson bracket.[2]
This yields a concise illustration of the correspondence principle: this equation manifestly reduces to the classical Liouville equation in the limit ħ → 0. In the quantum extension of the flow, however, the density of points in phase space is not conserved; the probability fluid appears "diffusive" and compressible.[2] The concept of quantum trajectory is therefore a delicate issue here.(Given the restrictions placed by the uncertainty principle on localization, Niels Bohr vigorously denied the existence of physical such trajectories on the microscopic scale.) By means of formal phase-space trajectories, the time evolution problem of the Wigner function can be rigorously solved using the path-integral method[20] and the method of quantum characteristics,[21] although there are practical obstacles in both cases.
Examples[edit]Simple harmonic oscillator[edit]Main article: quantum harmonic oscillator
The Wigner quasiprobability distribution Fn(u) for the simple harmonic oscillator with a) n = 0, b) n = 1, and c) n = 5.The Hamiltonian for the simple harmonic oscillator in one spatial dimension in the Wigner-Weyl representation is
The ★-genvalue equation for the static Wigner function then reads
#1011582 Oct 25, 2013
SUPPORT BARNEYS STOP RACIAL BULLING SUPPORT BARNEYS STOP THE RACIAL EXTORTIONIST NO FREE SUITS FOR YOU SHARPTON stop RACIAL EXTORTION STOP RACIAL EXTORTION STOP RACIAL EXTORTION SUPPORT BARNEYS NYC GO ONLINE BUY A KEYCHAIN STOP RACIAL EXTORTION no justice no peace support BARNEYS NYC
#1011583 Oct 25, 2013
maybe this will be a little lighter reading
War and Peace (Pre-reform Russian:«Во ;йн 072; и ми
 88;ъ», Voyna i mir) is a novel by the Russian author Leo Tolstoy, first published in 1869. The work is epic in scale and is regarded as one of the most important works of world literature.[1][2][3] It is considered Tolstoy's finest literary achievement, along with his other major prose work Anna Karenina (18731877).
War and Peace delineates in graphic detail events surrounding the French invasion of Russia, and the impact of the Napoleonic era on Tsarist society, as seen through the eyes of five Russian aristocratic families. Portions of an earlier version of the novel, then known as The Year 1805,[4] were serialized in the magazine The Russian Messenger between 1865 and 1867. The novel was first published in its entirety in 1869.[5] Newsweek in 2009 ranked it first in its list of the Top 100 Books.[6] In 2003, the novel was listed at number 20 on the BBC's survey The Big Read.[7]
Tolstoy himself, somewhat enigmatically, said of War and Peace that it was "not a novel, even less is it a poem, and still less a historical chronicle". Large sections of the work, especially in the later chapters, are philosophical discussion rather than narrative.[8] He went on to elaborate that the best Russian literature does not conform to standard norms and hence hesitated to call War and Peace a novel.(Instead, Tolstoy regarded Anna Karenina as his first true novel.)
#1011584 Oct 25, 2013
War and Peace is well known as being one of the longest novels ever written, though not the longest. It is actually the seventh longest novel ever written in a Latin or Cyrillic based alphabet and is subdivided into four books or volumes, each with sub parts containing many chapters.
Tolstoy came up with the title, and some of his themes, from an 1861 work of Pierre-Joseph Proudhon: La Guerre et la Paix ('War and Peace' in French). Tolstoy had served in the Crimean War and written a series of short stories and novellas featuring scenes of war.
He began writing War and Peace in the year that he finally married and settled down at his country estate. The first half of the book was written under the name "1805".
During the writing of the second half, he read widely and acknowledged Schopenhauer as one of his main inspirations. However, Tolstoy developed his own views of history and the role of the individual within it.[9]
The first draft of War and Peace was completed in 1863. In 1865, the periodical Russkiy Vestnik published the first part of this early version under the title 1805. In the following year, it published more of the same early version. Tolstoy was dissatisfied with this version, although he allowed several parts of it to be published with a different ending in 1867, still under the same title "1805". He heavily rewrote the entire novel between 1866 and 1869.[5][9] Tolstoy's wife, Sophia Tolstaya, wrote as many as seven separate complete manuscripts by hand before Tolstoy considered it again ready for publication.[9] The version that was published in Russkiy Vestnik had a very different ending from the version eventually published under the title War and Peace in 1869.
The completed novel was then called Voyna i mir (new style orthography; in English War and Peace).
The 1805 manuscript (sometimes referred to as "the original War and Peace") was re-edited and annotated in Russia in 1983 and since has been translated separately from the "known" version, to English, German, French, Spanish, Dutch, Swedish, Finnish, Albanian, and Korean. The fact that so many extant versions of War and Peace survive make it one of the best insights into the mental processes of a great novelist.
#1011585 Oct 25, 2013
The novel can be generally classified as historical fiction. It contains elements present in many types of popular 18th and 19th century literature, especially the romance novel. War and Peace attains its literary status by transcending genres.
Tolstoy was instrumental in bringing a new kind of consciousness to the novel. His narrative structure is noted for its "god-like" ability to hover over and within events, but also in the way it swiftly and seamlessly portrayed a particular character's point of view. His use of visual detail is often cinematic in its scope, using the literary equivalents of panning, wide shots and close-ups, to give dramatic interest to battles and ballrooms alike. These devices, while not exclusive to Tolstoy, are part of the new style of the novel that arose in the mid-19th century and of which Tolstoy proved himself a master.[
Since: Jun 13
#1011586 Oct 25, 2013
Realtime, like most liberals, don't bother to corroborate a source's content or even Fox News commentators if there's even a remote chance they might be proven wrong.
People on the left who break rank are promptly isolated from the herd, demonized and/or fired.
#1011587 Oct 25, 2013
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#1011589 Oct 25, 2013
fu ck you pu ssy
Tolstoy incorporated extensive historical research. He was also influenced by many other novels.[9] A veteran of the Crimean War, Tolstoy was quite critical of standard history, especially the standards of military history, in War and Peace. Tolstoy read all the standard histories available in Russian and French about the Napoleonic Wars and combined more traditional historical writing with the novel form. He explains at the start of the novel's third volume his own views on how history ought to be written. His aim was to blur the line between fiction and history, in order to get closer to the truth, as he states in Volume II.
The novel is set 60 years earlier than the time at which Tolstoy wrote it, "in the days of our grandfathers", as he puts it. He had spoken with people who had lived through war during the French invasion of Russia in 1812, so the book is also, in part, accurate ethnography fictionalized. He read letters, journals, autobiographical and biographical materials pertaining to Napoleon and the dozens of other historical characters in the novel. There are approximately 160 real persons named or referred to in War and Peace.[11]
Cover of War and Peace, Italian translation, 1899Although Tolstoy wrote most of the book, including all the narration, in Russian, significant portions of dialogue (including its opening paragraph) are written in French with characters often switching between the two languages. This reflected 19th century Russian aristocracy, where French, a foreign tongue, was widely spoken and considered a language of prestige and more refined than Russian.[12] This came about from the historical influence throughout Europe of the powerful court of the Sun King, Louis XIV of France, leading to members of the Russian aristocracy being less competent in speaking their mother tongue. In War and Peace, for example, Julie Karagina, Princess Marya's friend, has to take Russian lessons in order to master her native language.
#1011590 Oct 25, 2013
French words.
The use of French diminishes as the book progresses and the wars with the French intensify, culminating in the capture and eventual burning of Moscow. The progressive elimination of French from the text is a means of demonstrating that Russia has freed itself from foreign cultural domination.[13] It is also, at the level of plot development, a way of showing that a once-admired and friendly nation, France, has turned into an enemy. By midway through the book, several of the Russian aristocracy, whose command of French is far better than their command of Russian, are anxious to find Russian tutors for themselves.
English and other translations[edit]War and Peace has been translated into many languages. It has been translated into English on several occasions, starting with Clara Bell working from a French translation. The translators Constance Garnett and Louise and Aylmer Maude knew Tolstoy personally. Translations have to deal with Tolstoys often peculiar syntax and his fondness for repetitions. About 2% of War and Peace is in French; Tolstoy removed the French in a revised 1873 edition, only to restore it later.[13] Most translators follow Garnett retaining some French, Briggs uses no French, while Pevear-Volokhonsky and Amy Mandelker's revision of the Maude translation both retain the French fully.[13](For a list of translations see below)
Background and historical context[edit]
Saint Petersburg, FL
#1011591 Oct 25, 2013
#1011592 Oct 25, 2013
The novel begins in the year 1805 during the reign of Tsar Alexander I and leads up to the 1812 French invasion of Russia by Napoleon. The era of Catherine the Great (17621796), when the royal court in Paris was the centre of western European civilization,[14] is still fresh in the minds of older people. Catherine, fluent in French and wishing to reshape Russia into a great European nation, made French the language of her royal court. For the next one hundred years, it became a social requirement for members of the Russian nobility to speak French and understand French culture.[14] This historical and cultural context in the aristocracy is reflected in War and Peace. Catherine's grandson, Alexander I, came to the throne in 1801 at the age of 24. In the novel, his mother, Marya Feodorovna, is the most powerful woman in the Russian court.
War and Peace tells the story of five aristocratic familiesthe Bezukhovs, the Bolkonskys, the Rostovs, the Kuragins and the Drubetskoysand the entanglements of their personal lives with the then contemporary history of 1805 to 1813, principally Napoleon's invasion of Russia in 1812. The Bezukhovs, while very rich, are a fragmented family as the old Count, Kirill Vladimirovich, has fathered dozens of illegitimate sons. The Bolkonskys are an old established and wealthy family based at Bald Hills. Old Prince Bolkonsky, Nikolai Andreevich, served as a general under Catherine the Great, in earlier wars. The Moscow Rostovs have many estates, but never enough cash. They are a closely knit, loving family who live for the moment regardless of their financial situation. The Kuragin family has three children, who are all of questionable character. The Drubetskoy family is of impoverished nobility, and consists of an elderly mother and her only son, Boris, whom she wishes to push up the career ladder.
Tolstoy spent years researching and rewriting the book. He worked from primary source materials (interviews and other documents), as well as from history books, philosophy texts and other historical novels.[9] Tolstoy also used a great deal of his own experience in the Crimean War to bring vivid detail and first-hand accounts of how the Russian army was structured.[15]
#1011593 Oct 25, 2013
tea baggers are stoooopid
The standard Russian text of War and Peace is divided into four books (fifteen parts) and an epilogue in two parts one mainly narrative, the other thematic. While roughly the first half of the novel is concerned strictly with the fictional characters, the later parts, as well as one of the work's two epilogues, increasingly consist of essays about the nature of war, power, history, and historiography. Tolstoy interspersed these essays into the story in a way that defies previous fictional convention. Certain abridged versions remove these essays entirely, while others, published even during Tolstoy's life, simply moved these essays into an appendix.
Plot summary[edit]War and Peace has a large cast of characters, the majority of whom are introduced in the first book. Some are actual historical figures, such as Napoleon and Alexander I. While the scope of the novel is vast, it is centered around
#1011594 Oct 25, 2013
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Since: Jun 13
#1011595 Oct 25, 2013
And speaking of being promptly fired...
Hannity asked one of Obamacare's phone employees if she would be willing to answer some question on air on his radio program.
She answered all of his questions politely and professionally. But because she simply agreed to do it, she was immediately fired.
Hannity had her on last night and told her that because so many people were outraged, there were numerous job offers waiting for her and that he was personally going to pay her the same wages she would have made in a year at her former job.
The left would never do that for a conservative who agreed to talk with a liberal radio show host on air.
But that conservative would have never been fired.
Saint Petersburg, FL
#1011596 Oct 25, 2013
Ghetto dem throwing tantrums here on Topix...
If your going to own a rabid pet, Dumbass Dave... Keep a leash on it.!!
It's the culture...
#1011597 Oct 25, 2013
The novel begins in July 1805 in Saint Petersburg, at a soirée given by Anna Pavlovna Schererthe maid of honour and confidante to the queen mother Maria Feodorovna. Many of the main characters and aristocratic families in the novel are introduced as they enter Anna Pavlovna's salon. Pierre (Pyotr Kirilovich) Bezukhov is the illegitimate son of a wealthy count, an elderly man who is dying after a series of strokes. Pierre is about to become embroiled in a struggle for his inheritance. Educated abroad at his father's expense following his mother's death, Pierre is essentially kindhearted, but socially awkward, and owing in part to his open, benevolent nature, finds it difficult to integrate into Petersburg society. It is known to everyone at the soirée that Pierre is his father's favorite of all the old counts illegitimate children.
Also attending the soireé is Pierre's friend, the intelligent and sardonic Prince Andrei Nikolayevich Bolkonsky, husband of Lise, the charming society favourite. Finding Petersburg society unctuous and disillusioned with married life after discovering his wife is empty and superficial, Prince Andrei makes the fateful choice to be an aide-de-camp to Prince Mikhail Ilarionovich Kutuzov in the coming war against Napoleon.
The plot moves to Moscow, Russia's ancient city and former capital, contrasting its provincial, more Russian ways to the highly mannered society of Petersburg. The Rostov family are introduced. Count Ilya Andreyevich Rostov has four adolescent children. Thirteen-year-old Natasha (Natalia Ilyinichna) believes herself in love with Boris Drubetskoy, a disciplined young man who is about to join the army as an officer. Twenty-year-old Nikolai Ilyich pledges his love to Sonya (Sofia Alexandrovna), his fifteen-year-old cousin, an orphan who has been brought up by the Rostovs. The eldest child of the Rostov family, Vera Ilyinichna, is cold and somewhat haughty but has a good prospective marriage in a Russian-German officer, Adolf Karlovich Berg. Petya (Pyotr Ilyich) is nine and the youngest of the Rostov family; like his brother, he is impetuous and eager to join the army when of age. The heads of the family, Count Ilya Rostov and Countess Natalya Rostova, are an affectionate couple but forever worried about their disordered finances.
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Watch underworld rise of the lycans 2009 full movie free online. A prequel to the first two Underworld films, this fantasy explains the origins of the feud between the Vampires and the Lycans. Aided by his secret love, Sonja, courageous Lucian leads the Lycans in battle against brutal Vampire king Viktor. Determined to break the king's enslavement of his people, Lucian faces off against the Death Dealer army in a bid for Lycan independence.
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Published on May 18, 2016 by admin

subset: commoncrawl


text:
RIM Unveils Next Generation BBX Platform
October 18, 2011 by staff
RIM Unveils Next Generation BBX Platform, Research in Motion co-CEO Mike Lazaridis is just now pulling back the curtain on its next-generation operating system. Until now, the big news is his name: BBX.
BBX combines the best qualities of the biggest BlackBerry RIM OS and QNX platform, which powers the PlayBook tablet, Lazaridis said today at the developer conference of the company.
Lazaridis is talking, so I'll have more to his speech develops.
RIM co-president also reiterated his apology for failures in service today as the last who started the BlackBerry DevCon conference.
"Power outages around the world have experienced this week was unfortunate," he said.
It was a difficult day for some RIM. BlackBerry users last week had to deal with a disruption of the entire system that affected some customers for up to three days – apparently a life in the darkness of those who depend on email as a critical communication tool. Interruptions finally ended last Thursday. Meanwhile, his rival Apple had a stellar launch weekend, selling 4 million iPhones since customers increasingly low BlackBerrys.
RIM apologized for the interruption and yesterday said he would give 100 and the value of the premium applications of distance, as a gesture of contrition. Business customers would have a month of free technical support.
Lazaridis thanked some of the development partners who were helping to power the applications for the free program.
Please feel free to send if you have any questions regarding this post , you can contact on
Disclaimer: The views expressed on this site are that of the authors and not necessarily that of U.S.S.POST.


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UNTIL TUESDAY BY:Luis Carlos Montalvan
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text:
Mac mail has always had issues with large mailboxes, large attachments, and multiple attachments.
Add Google Apps mail to this mix and Mail falls on it's ass half the time.
I tried all the usual tweaks to lobotomize Mail by turning off labels with respect to imap etc.
It helps, but nothing seems to fix the spinning death wheel if you combine large boxes with lots of folders/tags.
I tried Sparrow, which is made for gmail - it works, but isn't anything special.
Searched for alts - Thunderbird and Opera came up.
Tbird may be my go-to for mail manipulation, but users tend to not like it.
Tried Opera - not expecting much.
Holy crap! It totally blows Mac Mail out of the water.
Downloads faster - indexes faster - bottom line is that for a large mail account, Opera is about 1000% faster than Mac mail.
I'm going to use it as my windows email client as well.
5 Replies
Jul 3, 2012 at 3:41 UTC
Isn't Opera a browser?
Jul 3, 2012 at 3:42 UTC
This may be of use to you:
Jul 4, 2012 at 4:15 UTC
Tried Postbox?
Jul 4, 2012 at 10:28 UTC
macfixer wrote:
This may be of use to you:
/ lifehacker.com/ 5555291/ how-make-gmail-play-nicely-with-your-desktop-email-client
Not so much.
I've followed similar guides, but the core issue is that mac mail just isn't very robust to start with.
The indexing is very slow - I don't know if this is due to sqlite as implemented by Apple or just endemic to the way mail.app is built.
I know sqlite starts to fall down with large databases - like 50gb or so.
My largest box is around 15G.
Given the way mail.app handles gmail's tlabels, the local database size is likely hitting performance limits from all the duplication.
Yeah - I could turn off all the tags, and have people not have access to their Sent mail, Draft or Deleted mail, and have people not use subfolders at all.
But that would be stupid.
Given that Outlook, for all it's faults, does just fine with gmail when configured as a straight imap connection - no google sync involved, and Thunderbird works fine too, and Opera works great as well, the problem is clearly mail.app.
Jul 4, 2012 at 10:59 UTC
Tried Postbox?
I tried it some time ago.
It looked/felt like Thunderbird, which is where it gets it's code base.
I have not tried it since we went to Google Apps - this may well be where it shines.
Then again, I really wouldn't expect the performance to be any different than Thunderbird.
It's also not free - which isn't a budgetary consideration, but an administrative one.
I herd enough cats as it is.
Managing another set of licenses needs to be justified by performance/functionality - both defined with respect to our environment and usage.
Should I test it again?
Maybe, but I did a trial previously, gotta wonder if that will be an issue...blah...blah..
Having an awesome newsreader built in doesn't get points from me - since we would never use it.
This discussion has been inactive for over a year.
You may get a better answer to your question by starting a new discussion.


text:
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Ref: AusMat212186
Apartment for rent from € 120/day in Matrei in OsttirolName/Address:
Image disclaimer: It is the responsibility of the hotel chain and/or the individual property to ensure the accuracy of the photos displayed. Dream Home Shop is not responsible for any inaccuracies in the photos.
90sq. m.
3 2
Appartment Steiner is a beautifully situated house near the Felbertauern tunnel, in the village of Berg and reached via a 0.8km winding mountain road. The spacious properties are located on the 1st and 2nd floor. The accommodation is of a good standard and has many extras such as a wood burner, fat fryer and fondue set. The AT-9971-02 is situated on the 1st floor and AT-9971-03 on the 2nd floor. From the patio or balcony you get great views of the Matrei mountains. Matrei and Kals ski areas are being linked for 2008/9 to give 110km of piste! Specifics: Infraredcabine, first use is free, after that every usage will cost 5,-.
The position on the map may not be accurate
No info provided


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All along the fertile valley of the Kunduz River, farmers were bringing in the harvest this week, carrying great sheaves on their backs from the fields and driving their oxen in circles in an ancient method of threshing.
Life here in this far northeastern corner of Afghanistan is by all accounts and appearances the most peaceful and stable in the country. The four provinces that make up this region -- Kunduz, Baghlan, Takhar and Badakshan -- are rarely in the news. In fact, they are in danger of being forgotten, because there has been no recent fighting, ethnic tension or attacks here.
The region is well ahead of other areas in disarming after years of warfare, the roads are secure and thousands of refugees have returned to the region and reintegrated without tension, United Nations officials here say. The ethnic Pashtun population, who were largely supporters of the Taliban, have not been the targets of reprisals as have other groups elsewhere in northern Afghanistan. The various ethnic groups here -- Pashtuns, Tajiks, Turkmens and Uzbeks -- have settled back into their old pattern of life.
''It is pretty calm,'' said Sergiy Illarionov, a Ukrainian who is the United Nations representative in northeastern Afghanistan. ''I would say there is less crime than in Ukraine,'' he said with a smile.
One reason for the calm, government officials say, is that the population and the fighting men are too war-weary to want to fight anymore.Continue reading the main story
''We have to do our best to make peace work,'' said Gen. Abdul Majid, the intelligence chief in the region. ''It was a long time that we were walking over the mountains, with our children on our shoulders and our wives following. We have had enough of that.''
But the main reason for the current stability is that one party, and one military force, namely the Tajik-led Northern Alliance, now controls the northeast region, said Faizullah, a government spokesman in Kunduz. ''All these four provinces are under the control of one man,'' he said. That man is the Tajik Northern Alliance commander, Gen. Daoud Khan.
While United States and United Nations policies in Afghanistan have sought to dilute the power of the dominating Tajik faction in the central government, officials in the northeast concede that there are advantages to having one group in charge. Here, the central government writ has genuine power.
Central government influence is most visible in the disarmament program that is under way. The Northern Alliance forces were quick to disarm Taliban sympathizers across the region, and they continue to confiscate weapons. They have also disciplined their own fighters.
''The northeast zone did start disarmament a long time ago, whereas it is only just starting in other areas now,'' said the United Nations representative, Mr. Illarionov.
In all, 50,000 weapons and pieces of equipment have been collected and sealed in bases over the last 10 months, Gen. Abdul Ghani, one of General Khan's deputies, said in an interview.
Problems remain, General Majid admits. ''It is 70 percent solved,'' he said, ''but the problem is how to bring the weapons into the central corps or division, or to Kabul.''
Regional commanders who have collected weapons in their local bases are reluctant to give them up to the central command, Mr. Illarionov said.
After so many years of fighting, first against the Soviets and then against the Taliban, that is not surprising, General Majid said. Furthermore, 10 months after the war ended here, the United Nations has still not been able to assist in demobilizing the army, Mr. Illarionov said.
But in these rural areas, where the population survives on agriculture, most of the fighters are farmers and laborers. General Ghani said his forces had largely demobilized themselves because they needed to get home and tend their fields.
It is telling that Afghans here mention economic concerns before worries about security. ''The first problem is the roads, then schools, water canals and jobs,'' said Muhammad Isa, an elder from a Turkmen settlement on the edge of Kunduz. The government was not buying farmers' cotton at fair prices, he said.
''Security is good, but the problem is there is no work,'' said Abdullah, a carpet seller. He complained that the government was continuing the Taliban tax on carpet sales.
United Nations officials say that the northeast, much of which is remote, mountainous and poor, badly needs development programs, but that it is being penalized unfairly because of the problems of instability elsewhere in the country.
''The aid community is having difficulties because of reluctance of donors because of security,'' said Paula Emerson, a United Nations regional coordinator. ''This is a big area, accessibility is a real problem, and because of security, the international community have forgotten it.''Continue reading the main story


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Families and busy individuals targeted would be mainly those with children and fun-loving people. Families rearing close ties are best targets too as such character will never miss year-round party celebrations such as birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions like Halloween, Christmas, New Year, Graduation parties, and many more.
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Hey guys!
I've been traveling around Europe for about 6 weeks now and have just made it to the Balkans. Was just wondering if anyone else is or will be in the area?? I am in Belgrade at the moment but will be going around Romania, Bulgaria, Turkey, Greece, Albania, Macedonia, Kosovo, Montenegro, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia over the next 2 months or so, then West across Southern Europe. Will be taking the cheapest form of transport and staying in hostels. I'm a 25 year old British guy and enjoy nature, history, culture and the occasional beer and beach. If you're in the area, hit me up!!


text: Shahrukh Khans D tattoo in his upcoming movie Don 2 has been registered for copyright protection against the name of King Khan. This is for the first time, an actor will have a tattoo design registered in his name. Merchandise like caps, T-shirts, bags and other stuff will have the same design that Khan sports on his arm in the flick.Producer Ritesh Sidhwani says that it was a good idea to make the tattoo permanently his."The biggest fans of the franchise are kids. Merchandise like caps, T-shirts, bags and other stuff will really be liked by them. Its been five years since the first film. In this period, the craze for the film has just grown. Weve realised that protecting the copyright to the tattoo design worn by SRK will keep the franchise alive, the Times of India quotes Ritesh as saying. According to Farhan Akhtar, the D tattoo was designed as a representation of Dons attitude. "In a world where men tattoo the name of their beloved on their arm. We thought we should have a subliminal symbol of Dons confidence in himself. It is definitely not permanent but I think Shahrukh really enjoyed wearing it... maybe it kept him in the characters frame of mind, the director tells the TOI.


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No underwear in clothes choice
No underwear in clothes choice
Have an opinion?
The only opinion from guys was selected the Most Helpful Opinion, but you can still contribute by sharing an opinion!
Kind of. Sorry.
I usually go commando and braless. The sensation is awesome, great and wild. You should try it at least once in your life and you'll want to do it forever. Lol.
yeah that would seem gross to me
You cannot undo this action. The opinion owner is going to be notified and earn 7 XPER points.


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American actress and model Sarah Roemer starred as the love interest of Shia LaBeouf's character in the thriller "Disturbia". She was born in San Diego, California, and began modeling at the age of 15 after she was discovered buying coffee at a local 7-Eleven while attending Horizon Jr/Sr High School. At the age of 17 she moved away from her family to New York.
She began her acting career playing Lacey in Takashi Shimizu's "The Grudge 2". She later co-starred with Joseph Cross in "Falling Up". She was the leading actress in David R. Ellis' "Asylum", Katherine Brooks' "Waking Madison" and in "Fired Up!". She co-starred with Golden Globe winner Richard Gere and three-time Oscar nominee Joan Allen in "Hachi: A Dog's Tale".
Name: Sarah Roemer
Known for: Disturbia
BirthDay: 28, Aug ,1984


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Rated at by more than25,000 satisfied customers
Shopper Approved 4.7/5
from 5150 ratings and reviews
Use the CDN IRXL220 ProAccurate® Insta-Read® Large Dial Cooking Thermometer to monitor the temperature of roasts or other foods cooked in the oven or on the grill. This NSF approved thermometer is designed with an easy-to-read 1-3/4" magnified dial and has a temperature range up to 220 degrees Fahrenheit. Built with a stainless steel body and polycarbonate lens, this waterproof cooking thermometer is rust resistant and shatterproof. When not in use, place this...
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3 items from 2010
15 December 2010 2:51 PM, PST | Blogomatic3000 | See recent Blogomatic3000 news »
Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jean Claude Van Damme? It can only be Kung Fu Christmas on Syfy (Sky channel 129, Virgin Media channel 135, Talk Talk channel 22) from Dec 17th at 10pm
There won't be many silent nights this December as Syfy turn the season of goodwill to all men – except those pesky bad guys – into a Kung Fu Christmas with a host of awesome martial arts movies. So, get writing to Santa to ask for a karate suit and a pair of nunchucks as they prepare to judo chop and high-kick their way into 2011.
If you're dreaming of a fight Christmas, Santa's got a real treat for you in the shape of a sack full of Jackie Chan movies. The great man is on a tour of Europe, looking for mysterious treasure that's been protected by an order of monks in Armour Of God (Dec 21). In Police Story »
- Phil
17 September 2010 4:05 AM, PDT | backstage.com | See recent Backstage news »
'Suit the action to the word, the word to the action.' —'Hamlet,' Act 3, Scene 2I discovered the above quotation 30 years ago in speech class and have been using it ever since. It is always pertinent to the work. Action is the key difference between a moment working and not. Suit the word to it. The moment fleshes itself out, feels right, and most of all affects the scene positively. It doesn't matter if it's a play, a film, or even a voiceover job; the action must always be suited to the word and vice versa.Objectives Lead to ActionsHow does one go about finding the action? To begin with, you must discover the objective. This is the overarching need of the character: What does he or she want in the play? It's an overriding need that propels the character forward. Consider Stanley Kowalski in "A Streetcar Named Desire. »
19 February 2010 11:00 AM, PST | TV.com | See recent TV.com news »
The great man speaks! Simon Cowell came down from the American Idol mountaintop yesterday for a telephone press conference with reporters, and while several reports announced that Cowell and his girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy had recently gotten engaged, we were told he wouldn't answer any .personal questions.. So instead of rumor and innuendo about his personal life, Cowell faced rumor and innuendo about the world of Idol. Here's what Simon said...
"Judges on talent competition shows should know... More >> »
- Matthew Jaffe
3 items from 2010
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Our motto is "Fresh Baked" and from scratch. There's no such thing as skinny cupcakes and there's no such thing as baking from packet mix. We believe in tasty, fluffy, indulgent and gorgeous looking cupcakes because it makes people happy. There's an amazing feeling that comes with being able to bring a box of cupcakes to a party and letting them know that you baked them yourself - that's what got our Founder, Sheryl, hooked onto baking in the first place. Now we want to share that experience with you!
**Exciting News!** Founder of Cupcake Central, Sheryl Thai, will be making a special appearance running these Masterclasses in months May & June 2017.
Whether you're an avid home cupcake baker or have never even baked in your life, this Cupcake Baking & Decorating Masterclass is for you. Our Workshop Facilitators will be teaching you the basics of baking as well as professional tips and tricks that we use in our kitchens to make baking a breeze and fun.
Learn the secrets on how to bake cupcakes and decorate them like a professional for your next party, social gathering or even just for yourself. We promise that you'll be walking away from the class just a little bit chuffed on how well you've done (no seriously!).
You will learn the following and more...
We seem to be booking out pretty quickly so please don't wait until the last minute to book into a class. We will be releasing new dates as our workshops book out.
So what are you waiting for? There's no better time to start learning - just see the hundreds of people that have attended our famous Masterclasses, it makes us super happy to know that there'll be a few more home bakers that bake from scratch now.
Special Requirement Requests:
- Gluten Free or Vegan options: If you require gluten free or vegan cupcakes please mention this in the "Special Requirements" text box when you complete your booking. There is no extra charge for this option. Please note that you will only be taught the standard Vanilla Vanilla & Red Velvet cupcake recipes but you will get Vegan/Gluten Free cupcakes to decorate and take home.
- Special facilities: If you require special facilities and disability access to the workshops please contact our store on 9077 4542 and we can discuss the different options available.
Cancellations: We require 48 hrs notice if you are unable to attend your Masterclass and would like to reschedule, otherwise your booking will be lost and you will not be able to rebook into another class. We understand that some people may fall ill last minute but we will need as much notice as possible as we prepare in advance for your spot in our classes, we also have people waiting for spots and often book out.
Sheryl answered all our questions and was very kind to share her baking experiences. I had a really good time. I would have loved to spend a little bit more time on cake decorating.
Learning to bake cupcakes from scratch from Sheryl was amazing. Sheryl gave everyone in the class the opportunity to participate in each step while she shared her background, recipes & baking tips. I love cupcake centrals variety of flavours and to be able to walk away with some recipes means I can bake my own to share with family & friends.


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Green Mark I preserve my comfort digestive 28 capsules
SKU 5134254 I preserve my comfort digestive 28 capsules
Help your digestive comfort with a food supplement of Melissa contributing to the normal functioning of the intestine.Calcium allows a proper functioning of the digestive enzymes.
Lactic starters complete the formula.
I Preserve my digestive comfort operating tips:
1 transparent capsule in the morning outside the meal and 1 capsule green evening during the meal, with a glass of water (20 cl). Program 2 weeks, renew if necessary. please consult your pharmacist.
capsule day1 capsule per day
Bifidobacterium lactis
Lactobacillus plantarum6,97.109 UFC *
capsule night (plants )1 capsule per night
concentrated extract
of lemon balm leaves
120 mg equivalent
to 257 mg of plant
Including Calcium
400 mg
120 mg (15% RDA *)
* probiotic = lactic
* AJR: intake daily recommended
Net WT: 16 G
Precautions for use:
food supplements should be used as part of a healthy lifestyle and may not be used as substitutes of a varied and balanced diet. Observe the instructions for use without exceeding the recommended daily dose. Reserved for adults. Is not suitable to the pregnant or nursing and people intolerant or allergic to any of the constituents. In the event of taking antibiotics, separate taking antibiotics and the day capsule or the capsule 3-hour night. Keep out of reach of children. Does not exempt from the usual medical treatments. Seek advice from your doctor or your pharmacist. Keep away from moisture, heat and light.


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Triple H must compete against all five members of The Spirit Squad by himself in a Gauntlet Match.
FULL-LENGTH MATCH - Saturday Night's Main Event 2006 - DX vs. The Spirit Squad: Handicap Match MP3
Shawn Michaels & Triple H must compete against all five members of The Spirit Squad. Saturday Night's Main Event, July 15, 2006 For the full Night of ...
The Shield enters as Spirit Squad - "WWE 2K14" Mashup! MP3
Somehow, The Shield manages to remain intimidating, even as they enter the arena to The Spirit Squad's theme. More WWE - http://www.wwe.com/
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We are delighted to offer for sale this 4 bedroom detached property in a sought after and convenient location within easy reach of local amenities and public transport links. The property is situated in a quiet residential area within 10 minutes walk of a shopping centre and a train station. The location also has excellent links to the motorway and is within a 20 minute drive of Leeds city centre.
The lower floor of the property consists of an entrance hall leading to the stairs and an ample sized living room complete with fitted connections for BT and Virgin Media. The living room leads to generous under stair storage and the large kitchen diner. The kitchen features fully fitted appliances (fridge, freezer, oven and dishwasher) with the dining space featuring French doors which lead onto a patio area and garden. The kitchen also leads to a utility room with fitted washing machine, space for a tumble dryer and a downstairs WC.
The master bedroom faces the front of the property and features an en-suite shower room. An additional spacious double bedroom faces the front of the property. Facing the rear of the property is another double bedroom and a fourth bedroom which is currently used with a pull out double bed but would make an ideal study. The upper landing also features a large storage space.
The property also features an integrated garage with lighting and power, a driveway with space for two cars and a small lawned area. The rear of the property features a patio area and large grassed space.
Please see the many photographs that accompany this listing and the indicative floor plan for further detail. To fully appreciate this property please arrange a viewing appointment which you can do 24/7 by clicking on the contact link provided.
Book a viewing online in minutes. Just click below to choose the days and times
you're able to view the property and you'll receive an email and SMS as soon as the owner confirms one of your options.
Get started by requesting your free valuation from today. With our fees at just £795, you can save thousands selling with the UK's best rated online estate agent.Get Your Free Valuation


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Thanks for your interest in becoming a part of the staff at Camp Gray!
This page will contain all the forms you'll need.
We are currently accepting applications for the following positions:
– 2017 Summer Camp Staff (Learn more here)
At this time, we're only accepting applications for a few Summer Camp positions:
-Wilderness Program Team (males and females)
-Pathfinder Program Counselor (males)
– 2017-2018 Camp Gray Servant Leadership Team (Learn more here)
Apply Now to serve with us all year-round!
New Staff Application – Are you looking to serve at Camp Gray for the first time as a Summer Camp Staffer, SaLT Missionary, or as a Full Time Staff Member? Please fill out the New Staff Application and return to us at Camp Gray. Also, please have three reference forms submitted.
Reference Form – Each new applicant must have three reference forms submitted. Please send the reference form link to your three references.
Returning Staff Application – Served at Camp Gray in the past? Please fill out a Returning Staff Application for Summer Camp, SaLT, or Full Time.
Get a taste of Camp Gray by watching PARADOX:
If you have ANY questions about serving at Camp Gray, please call us (608) 356-8200 or email! Thanks for your interest in Camp Gray!


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Rainbow Sky (Set of 2)
A set of 2 wine glasses with multi-coloured henna patterns, a beautiful gift to give to a loved one. Don't forget you can always personalise with a name or a message!
- Height - 19.5cm
- Width - 8.3cm
- Weight - 250g each
- Hand Wash Only


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Guitar, Blogs
Electric Guitar performance. Please enjoy the music of the electric guitar.
Owner: root87
Listed in: Music
Other Tags: Guitar performance
A world of soaring imagination filled with poetic thoughts and music in the form of downloadable.. podcasts
Owner: jjslim
Listed in: Philosophy
Other Tags: music,, inspiration, self-help, poetry


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Relations between the Community and Public Sector Union and the Turnbull government, strained by more than two years of stalled negotiations over pay rises for Australian Public Service officers, are about to be tested in the court of public opinion. At the CPSU's urging, public servants began a series of rolling stoppages this week to highlight their frustration over what they regard as the government's unreasonable demands to link pay rises with trade-offs in award conditions. With airport-based immigration and Border Force personnel striking for 24 hours on Thursday, travellers may face long delays. Other government service-users, including Medicare and Centrelink customers, can also expect to be subject to varying degrees of inconvenience.
In a sign it is courting public support, the CPSU is seeking crowd-funding to pay its members at airports, who it says "are facing serious pressure from taking extra and extended rolling strike action". The government, meanwhile, is playing the "responsible party" card, with Employment Minister Michaelia Cash arguing there are more constructive ways to undertake workplace bargaining than strikes that "cause harm to the public".
Like any lengthy industrial battle, the CPSU's tussle with Ms Cash (and before her, Eric Abetz) is replete with ambit claims, counterclaims, attempts at arm-twisting and coercion, and derision, most notably from Public Service Commissioner John Lloyd.
It began with the expiry of workplace agreements in July 2014 and the CPSU's decision to use the talks as a pretext for seeking above-inflation wage rises for its members of at least 4 per cent. This was, in retrospect, an ill-considered ambit claim, since the Abbott government was in full budget repair mode, having already imposed a wage freeze on MPs, agency heads, judges and other public office holders.
Mr Abetz's response was that public servants could expect a (capped) pay rise no more than 1.5 per cent (less than the rate of inflation) and then only by offering up productivity increases or by forgoing award conditions. Unsurprisingly, talks proved unproductive.
If the Turnbull government's decision to lift the cap to 2 per cent signalled a potentially more receptive attitude, its rhetoric since then has dispelled any such notions. In February, Mr Lloyd claimed that public servants enjoyed work benefits equal to or higher than "community standards" and that they should accept the deals they'd been offered. And Senator Cash, who some regard as making her predecessor appear fair and reasonable, continues to label CPSU's claims as "unmeritorious".
In March, a University of NSW study into the Cash/Lloyd approach described it as a "forcing strategy" intended to limit pay increases and improvements to working conditions, increase labour flexibility, enhance management's ability to ratchet up performance standards, and enable management to gain increased power over the unions".
Such an outcome would undoubtedly please those on the ideological hard right of the Coalition still smarting over the electorate's rejection of John Howard's Workchoices in 2007. Whether a fragmented and atomised bureaucracy is capable of delivering the services that taxpayers expect is another matter, however. It's a message the CPSU will be working hard to disseminate this Easter.


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Chennai: A court here today dismissed Sri Lankan Minister Douglas Devananda's petition seeking exemption from his personal appearance before it in connection with a 1984 murder case.
Rejecting the plea, Additional Sessions Judge S Rajagopalan held that the presence of the petitioner was essential in order to identify him.
Police had told the court that the first accused in the case Anandan was arrested in 1986. Now the petitioner claims that he is the said Anandan and is presently known as Douglas Devananda and is holding a Constitutional post.
They said they were not sure as to the identity of the petitioner and hence insisted on his presence to properly identify him.
Devananda, Minister for Traditional Industries in Sri Lanka, was allegedly involved in a murder here in 1986 and was later declared a proclaimed offender.
The murder case is related to the death of a city resident in a gunfire from the EPRLF office here in 1986. Devananda, arrested and released on bail then, had been declared a proclaimed offender by a sessions court in 1994 after the former EPRLF leader and the others jumped bail in 1987.
Devananda had moved the additional sessions court on September 11 to recall non-bailable warrant issued against him. He had claimed that his life was still in danger from LTTE 'sleeper cells' both in Sri Lanka and abroad and his visit to Tamil Nadu to appear in connection with the case would create a law and order problem here.
He had prayed that his personal appearance before the court in Chennai be dispensed with.
Judge Rajagopalan said identification as pinpointed by prosecution was a must in this case in order to confirm the identity of the present petitioner as his name was defined only Anandan in the charge and not as Anandan alias Douglas Devananda.
He also noted that as pointed by the respondent Devananda was not let out on regular bail.


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Contact us today to book a viewing. 2477B Kaladar Ave. 18,828sf, 2 docks and 1 grade loading. 18' ceilings. Available Now. 2477D Kaladar Ave. 14,703sf, grade loading warehouse with office area.


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How To Be Funny Without Trying
Humor is something we all love and enjoy. It has the ability to transcend linguistic, cultural and sexual barriers. It is an integral part of how we interact with and relate to others. Without humor, life would be a sad and sordid affair. It's the spin we can place on tragedies and hardships that make life more fun and enjoyable.
As a species, we clearly encourage and appreciate humor. We are able to make fun of serious issues concerning society and often in doing so, improve our understanding and widen our perspective.
Although every person is familiar with the concept of humor, there are some people who are naturally funnier than others. In a society that appreciates humor, this can have major advantages; primarily, attracting beautiful women. Humor can make you appear fun, interesting and enjoyable to be around. You are far more likely to garner the attention of beautiful women if people feel naturally drawn to you.
It can defuse awkward situations and turn a temporary moment of weakness into a playful joke. It smooths out interaction between strangers and helps keep conversations fresh and enjoyable. Humor can even be used as a defense mechanism against competing males. Anger is hard to maintain in the face of friendly humor.
Sure being funny is awesome, but how does someone who is not funny become funny?
Having The Right Comedy Influences
People's ability to interpret and produce humor is largely due to the environment they grew up in.
If you grew up with a family of comedians then chances are you will also end up being something of a comedian yourself. If those around you have a humorous and analytical outlook then you are likely to learn those attributes in kind. That doesn't mean that only the children of funny people will be funny because experience has taught us otherwise.
There are many sources of "inspiration" when it comes to having a sense of humor. They can be friends, relatives or even just TV or radio personalities. It is important to immerse yourself in humor if you want to understand and replicate it.
People who are proactively interested in humor and go out of their way to watch comedians and funny television shows also tend to become funnier, because their interest and appreciation of humor has given them appropriate perspective.
Be that as it may, some popular television shows are not an appropriate source of conversational humor. Shows such as South Park or Dave Chepelle, for example, cater to a very specific type of audience. Although these are successful and entertaining mediums, the humor one would learn from such shows would only be appropriate in a select number of situations. If you're keen on ripping out jokes that some may find offensive, make sure you have made a solid evaluation of your audience first. In civilised company, one must be wary of what is appropriate humor for a mixed crowd.
Therefore, if you are aspiring to appeal to the greater audience as a man of humor then you will be better off pro-actively selecting comedic influences which appeal to mainstream society (such as Seinfeld or Futurama for example) and finding a particular style or niche of comedy that is congruent to you personally.
Knowing Your Intellectual Limitations
As harsh as this may sound it is absolutely necessary… a big factor of comedy is intelligence. You might be studying Advanced Theoretical Physics at Oxford but that doesn't mean that you have the social intelligence or quick wit to spin off awesome one liners like Richard Prior or Bill Hicks.
If you ARE determined to get better at being funny then you can develop your social intelligence by 'working out' the appropriate areas of your brain. Mental exercises such as improvisational acting can gradually improve your on-the-spot thinking although, depending on how witty you naturally are, it could take a very long time. You might be better off just finding a style of humor that works for you.
If you are looking for an easier and simpler solution to becoming funny then you are best off finding a style of comedy that works with your natural personality. There's no point trying to emulate comedians that seem like they're on crack if you are normally a docile on introverted person.
If you are a slow thinker but an animated story teller, then memorising long but funny jokes could be a simple way to appear funny, although if you're not accustomed to telling jokes you will need to practice your delivery because the words on their own are simply not enough.
If you're a hyperactive person with a poor memory then you will be more suited to 'one liners'. These equate to memorised phrases or anecdotes which can be readily applied to appropriate dialogue in order to produce a humorous outcome.
This type of comedy revolves around creating an expectation in the listener by leading them in one direction, then by presenting a contrary piece of information. It breaks the expectation and this is funny.
For example.
A group of friends are discussing death, a usually morbid topic when you chime in with…
'When I die, I want it to be peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather…'
Pause for affect.
'…Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on the bus he was driving.'
One liners such as these do not require a lot of thought or effort, you already have them stored up in your head and you are just waiting for the opportunity to use them. If used at the right times and delivered with confidence they will give the user a reputation of being a funny person. Try to use something new and original. Dated jokes are less likely to earn you laughs and more likely to earn a resounding groan from your audience.
The Art Of Irony And Sarcasm
If you are bad at telling stories and bad at remembering one liners and not naturally funny, then you might want to try being ironic or sarcastic.
Irony is one of the most commonly misunderstood words in the English language, yet one of the most commonly used forms of humor.
For instance, Alanis Morisettes song 'Ironic', is ironic in the fact that the lyrics of the song itself are not actually ironic so therefore it is the opposite of it's literal meaning and therefore the song is ironic but the lyrics are not.
Confused? You should be.
The best example of irony is when two sets of information are present that create a kind of contradiction. For example, if you were reading an article about the importance of having good grammar which was actually full of grammatical errors, that would be ironic. In this example, because the article has failed to achieve the grammar it lectured about, it is ironically humorous. On the other hand, although it would be ironic to hit a dog while driving to take your own dog to the vet, it would not be funny.
Due to the complex nature of irony we have provided you with two examples of everyday irony, you may or may not have realised were ironic.
Example 1.
Peter: "So in one week my dog died, my house burnt down and the IRS have decided to randomly audit me"
Paul: "From now on I am going to call you 'Lucky'"
This is ironic because Peter was actually very unlucky yet Paul has insinuated that he is lucky. By intentionally using the opposite meaning, Paul is being humorously ironic.
Example 2.
Peter: "Hello, nice to meet you, my name is Peter Black"
Paul: "Yet you are clearly a Caucasian white male, how ironic"
This is ironic because Paul has taken Peter's last name as a physically descriptive word, which is in fact the opposite of his physical appearance.
Not ironic
On the other hand, there are many examples of situations that appear to be ironic but do not meet the criteria. Many people are confused by irony and will think they are being ironic when they are not. Do this in conversation and you will probably look rather stupid:
"It's like rain on your wedding day"
"It's a free ride when you've already paid"
"It's the good advice that you just didn't take"
These things are not ironic. They are just crappy things to happen to someone.
Irony and sarcasm are very similar because they challenge people in an indirect manner based upon literary untruths. However the biggest difference is that irony is often appreciated yet sarcasm, if used incorrectly or in excess, can be very annoying and construed as negative.
Good sarcasm
The most effective way to use sarcasm as a form of humour is to vocally play out hypothetical situations which are inspired by someone else's idiocy.
Example 1
Peter and Paul are walking along the street one day when they both see a homeless man begging for change.
Peter: "Man, why doesn't that hobo just go get a job."
Paul: "Yeah I guess he should just go have a shower at his non-existent apartment, pull out one of those Hugo Boss suits he's got stashed in his trolley full of hubcaps and resume his career as a qualified accountant!"
Example 2
Peter and Paul are getting ready to go out for a night on the town.
Peter: "Hey Paul, do you think this shirt looks good on me"
Paul: "Mothers lock up your daughters because Peter and his pink polo shirt are on the town!"
Sarcasm can be a very funny form of humor but it really comes down to the intention of the user. If somebody is being sarcastic in a negative or derogatory manner then people will often get irritated. Yet if sarcasm is used in a light or playful way then it is often enjoyable and funny.
It's important not to go into too much detail because dragging out sarcasm can seem facetious and rude. You are often playing off the mistakes or conversational gaffs of others, so making too much of it can come across as insulting. With all humor you need a build up and punchline so keeping it short and sweet is the way to go.
Another literary word play which is considered good humor is the use of Puns (your grandparents love that shit)
Pun's are one of the oldest forms of popular wit and are simply a play of words which create multiple meanings. Sometimes these multiple meanings can form humourous anecdotes.
Example 1:
I work at the scarf factory, it is a very tight-knit community.
Example 2:
Two astronauts who were dating broke up because they needed their space.
Pun's can be quite difficult to come up with at times but they are also one of the most widely accepted forms of humor so they go down well with most crowds. However, keep in mind that it is usually a bit 'tongue in cheek'. Puns are usually considered a bit lame by younger generations so they are often accompanied by a mock laugh by the teller or a funny accent to let the listener know you're not completely serious. Make it known that you understand puns are silly, otherwise you may come across as just lamey.
If you are still yet to find your niche in any of the prior examples then there is still one type of humour that can work well for some and be abso-fucking-lutely hilarious. But it can also be quite dangerous in that it is very easy to majorly offend people if you don't get the delivery right or you pick the wrong audience.
Shock Value Humor, For Those Who Know No Bounds
Shock value humor is very popular among stand up comedians. It requires big balls and high risks but like most things with high risks it can also have a big payment. The laughs you will get from shock value humor are unequivocal to anything else in comedy, that's why it's normally left up to the experts.
Shock value humor requires a lot of common sense because you need to be able to deliberate between getting as close to over the top as possible and actually going over the top and offending your audience.
Shock value humor usually has undertones of sexism, racism and just about any other 'ism' you can think of. In other words shock value humor is usually riddled with vulgarity; it touches on taboos that contemporary society are too afraid to touch and that is why we love it.
The key to being a funny person is to make it appear as if you are not trying too hard to be funny. If you say something that you think is funny and your audience does not laugh, don't re-tell the joke or explain it. If they don't get it that is their problem, and if they did get it but they didn't find it funny then persisting in a bad joke will make you look like a fool.
Telling a joke is mostly about the delivery; if you can get the delivery right you can make almost anything seem funny and the best way to do this is to practice your delivery on your own until you get it right, make use of your bathroom mirror or video camera.
A good delivery often requires the teller of the joke to become physically animated to assist their audience with visualization. You may notice that all good comedians will use their hands and their body language to convey a lot of the joke itself. It involves as much acting as it does public speaking because when you are telling a joke you are more or less telling a story. You need to punctuate the right moments and work the joke as best you can… make it appear as funny to others as it is to you.
One big mistake people make when trying to be funny is they will often quote television shows and movies that are funny and expect it to be funny to other people. Although this can sometimes work, it is generally not advisable unless you are exceptional at translating the television joke into a verbal joke, which is actually quite difficult.
When reciting TV shows or movies, it is important to keep in mind that they have an expiry date of about one year for comedic value. Borat for instance was initially hilarious when it first came out and lots of people everywhere were quoting him. For the first year after it's release it was still fresh and funny but now when people still quote Borat it just seems lame and outdated. (Never ever quote the Simpsons, that stopped being funny over a decade ago)
All jokes have an expiry date, they do their circulations and no matter how good it was the first time around, the more people hear them the more they drop the jokes value in their minds. If you keep telling the same jokes then it doesn't matter how funny they once were, they will have the opposite effect after a while.
One thing you want to remember with comedy is that the closer to the truth you can keep it, the better. The saying "it's funny because it's true" exemplifies this perfectly. We like to laugh at real things or things we believe to be true.This is why stereotypes are so often used in comedy. The more outlandish and far-fetched your humor is, the harder it will be to sell it. English comedian Ross Noble is a prime example. His humor often descends into strange and unrelated tangents but his animated and enthusiastic delivery is what makes him successful. His kind of humor would not be something to emulate in a social situation, it's simply too out there.
An important key to becoming funny is to remember to smile and never take yourself too seriously. It is okay to laugh at yourself and it can even be endearing. If you can do this then even if you are trying to get laughs and failing you can even use that in itself to get laughs… "Wow, I'm just about as funny as your Mom's syphilis" or "Well that one went down like a fart in nunnery". Even the funniest people will occasionally drop the ball with their jokes… but you won't see them falter. They are comfortable with their failure will come off all the better by making light of it.
Simply put, you can't take yourself seriously and be funny. Serious and funny don't go together, so learn to enjoy yourself and roll with the blows and if you see an opportunity to be funny and it's appropriate, then don't be afraid to take it. Beautiful women love funny men.


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Aaron Schimmel
Teaching Experience: Over 10,000 Hours
Mantra: "Do the thing to get the power!"
Bio: Sensei Aaron was born and raised in Southern California. He began being active in sports and martial arts at the age of 5. Since then, he has won multiple freestyle wrestling tournaments. He was driven to get his black belt, and quickly became an accomplished teacher in Thousand Oaks. Sensei Aaron has since moved on to both the Santa Barbara and Calabasas studios. He has been striving to share the martial arts with as many people in the community as possible.


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