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Exclusive Interview With Ms Aisha Haadi Marat Elfajer
On the Internet, a place that celebrates its superior, being a witch is not that irregular. But Ms. Aisha is a suitably hardened and cunning necromancer with conspicuous milieu A number of Hundreds of clients have possession of testified and publicly reported the completely awesome yet amazing outcome bent by Ms. Aisha's effective spell work.
Ms. Aisha Haadi was born in 1947 in a unimportant similarity film of Giza, Egypt. For the carry on 38 years her gift and profession had complete it attainable for her to be present in several countries, such as France, Germany, England, Belgium, Netherlands, Saudi Arabia, Morocco, Monaco and wholly the Joined States.
Yesterday Ms. Aisha has conceded to sit down and speak with me a propos her spiritual practice.
She welcomed me in her ritual room. The very foremost taste of her hand has triggered the single of part gut reaction and spiritual energy I do not know how to resolve it Whatever thing out of the habitual has occupied place. In attendance was an actual transaction of energies in the midst of the whichever of us. Beyond belief but is true.
As we sat down the sniff of untainted Egyptian musk fills the room. I prerequisite realize similar to I entered her ritual room I felt this unexplainable accordance. I felt as if my character has wobbly for the very foremost time, it felt reasonable accusation. As we sat together in the still sensation of her fervently gesture ritual room, a tally of questions Bubbled to the passing away.
Q: Ms. Aisha Haadi, it is really an sanctify to be display with you today. I would very appreciably to the same degree to support this risk to thank you for allowing me to joint with you site to site. Improve on of all I would really to the same degree to start with the ultimatum, what is witchcraft, and what is a witch?
aisha haadi:Witchcraft is the use of all-important and magical powers. A witch is a person that engages in witchcraft and has an idea that dwells within his or her foundation. In my practice this idea is what we urge the mother spirit. Past the help of the mother spirit the practitioner is accomplished to subjugate separate other spirits. These captured spirits forward motion become "working spirits" assiduous yet committed to act and rage out any task with in the spiritual realm.
Q: Such as did you foremost feel that such an idea is living within your body?
aisha haadi: iwas nine years old; I can vibrantly reminiscence that day and all the deeds that took place. It was a sad day in my life, that day my mother was called upon to cross available to the other component. To make a hope story not up to scratch my mother has asked to see me. I was brought to the room to say my final good byes. It was for that reason time was she told me that I was the fixed one The one to rage on the local tradition, the practice of Pheoronic Egyptian witchcraft. She asked me to come closer, for that reason reasonable me to open my mouth she squabble in my mouth and asked me to procure her saliva. In that very argument the idea was transferred to me and renewed my life perfectly. The carry on words I heard from my mother were "do not be sad for me Aisha, death is not the end but the beginning" and I have possession of not been the incredibly ever because
Q: Who are your clients and how would you outline them?
aisha haadi:For decades I have possession of lonely worked with selected clients. Merely a few years ago, my daughters have possession of assured me to supply my services on the Internet. My clients come from all walks of life. I have possession of an impossible to tell apart amount of male and female clients. Their age ranges from 18 to 70 years old. Best of them are in unfortunate situations that they wish to retort manage spiritual means. Best of my clients have possession of ahead of hand-me-down spiritual help earlier to contacting me and have possession of some basic understanding of the spiritual realm.
Q: How broadly do you get to know the clients you work with?
aisha haadi:It is precedent tedious You have possession of to understand that instance passing the spell and evoking the working spirits I actually feel my clients emotions. This is a very undecorated, hard to swallow, and laborious practice. I feel sound what my clients are leaving manage. This makes each and every envelop very special and it makes me acquaint with my all for each and every activist. All clients are be bounded by to send me handwritten letters explaining their situations. By analyzing their handwritten words I get an in-depth understanding of the far-reaching situation and the world power consequence. By the time the final ritual has been finish the client's percentage path forward motion transform, and positive energies forward motion begin their work in producing a positive consequence.
Q: Do your clients feel anything wearing your spell casting process?
aisha haadi:Yes, here are relations who outcome a series of smart thoughts, this in total occurs the foremost night just the once they taste the talisman. Accurate slay part ambiance in the hand accusation just the once they taste the talisman. At any classify, here are others who slay tepid spiritual manifestation in and roughly their homes. So far here are luggage time was my clients do not feel anything, this all depends on the individual's allergic reaction to the spiritual realmsome feel it and some don't
Q: Are your clients intelligent with your work?
aisha haadi:Best clients are very intelligent with the consequence of my spell work; my spells what's more remove spiritual blockages, uncomplimentary energies, bad providence, and all advantageous of spiritual interferences. That's why all spells have possession of a positive manipulate as they do attract positive tackle trendy our lives. I am continually overwhelmed to find that private expense unlimited hours bombard the physical (home, clothes, foundation) but rarely expense the time to clean and geld themselves fervently. This makes a spell a earsplitting outcome for every mortal character.
Q: What makes a spell elated and why do some spells fail?
aisha haadi:It is important that the intent is accusation. Accurate clients route to magic for the baseless reasons. Changed common sense is that nonentity can work in opposition to spiritual laws that protect each and every mortal character from harm. Such as a spell fails it does not mean that the spell caster messed up, it means, that the wish was not accepted by the making. A spell forward motion go dead if the activist does not appreciate the commands kindly or extravagance his or her spell with othersthe finishing of any spell thrives on it's furtiveness.
Q: You have possession of 38 years of outcome in spell casting. Your clients are saying that you have possession of renewed their lives and accomplish their needs. How several spells have possession of you cast in your life?
aisha haadi: ihave possession of cast separate hundreds of thousands of elated spells wearing the carry on 38 years.
Q: In attendance are several websites that supply spiritual help on the Internet. Are all of them real?
aisha haadi:Significantly, as in any other exchange, here are bad seeds. Accurate charlatans make unethical offers and trick trade and even union money back guarantees. These thieves of money acquaint with a very bad image to the far-reaching spiritual community. I would say about 97% of the spell casters on the Internet are oblivion but imposters, swindlers, and sellers of artificial seek I suitably tattle every one to be deeply inconspicuous time was it comes to purchasing spells on line. In attendance are three important cryptogram one obligation appreciate by selecting a spell caster:
1. Is the practitioner asking for birth materials? A spell cannot be elated lacking birth raw materials such as your hair, nails, or shed tears.
2. Tape and begin dates are not ample enough to cast an credible and elated spell. Pursue straighten out off websites that do not ask for any birth raw materials.
3. It is what's more important that the spell caster prepares the speak prop up of the spell that forward motion be sent to the activist. All credible spell casters send the activist some advantageous of talisman that completes the magical circle. A spell forward motion never work if the magical circle has not been finish.
These are basic cryptogram of magic that cannot be ignoredremember that no spell forward motion work lacking birth raw materials, no spell forward motion ever work lacking a talisman These are facts.
Q: Is true? Information has it that time was a person uses a spell, the energies forward motion suitably and apt back fire on them or their esteemed ones?
aisha haadi:Yes, it is true time was you use any calm of magic even if it is white magic, if the practitioner you bring does not know what he or she is take steps, lacks the outcome and the know how, for that reason relations uncomplimentary energies can be unleashed on you and here for turn your life upside down in a stunning kiln. People accept to know whom they are altruistic their special troubles to, delay on show from dabblers and harebrained spell makers. They can permanently destroy your life, your spiritual path and persona. You forward motion end up with high-class troubles than you've started up with. Intangible matters are dreadful deeds that obligation not be occupied merrily. People prerequisite use their good taste and run of the mill raison d'?tre not later than they bring an amature or a raw recruit white magic practitioner.
Q: How about black magic such as voodoo, hoodoo, obeah, Santeria, Caribbean magic, and root works can they what's more back fire on the person that uses them?
aisha haadi:Opulently, these types of spiritual practices can be deeply frightening to you, and your esteemed ones. Pursue perfectly straighten out off these advantageous of practices. Accurate clients reported that accusation just the once their spells were cast, their lives turned upside down in every aspect of the way. Whatever thing went from good to extreme in a domino- effect series of bad deeds while each take captive led to altered. Be responsive, be very responsive. Black magic of all sorts can bring nightmares to your devotion. If you have possession of ever hand-me-down any spells alike to black magic and the practices I have possession of mentioned improved For the love of god, I energetically and suitably intimate that you get your selves cleansing spiritual champion that forward motion cleans your character and spiritual path from all these evil energies that are now in you and all available you. I find it irresponsible of these practitioners to supply these practices lacking some advantageous of terror. Depressed souls are not responsive of what they selling trendy and forward motion receive from frightening spiritual value they don't know anything about. The Vigor Rule Combo has been markedly aimed to straighten out and clean a make somewhere your home character and spiritual path from all uncomplimentary energies and blockages
Q: Are your spells safe?
aisha haadi:Yes, my spells are 100% intact. All my rituals be on both sides of a 7 collection spiritual guard that forward motion protect the activist and their esteemed ones from any spiritual harm. I would never allow anything uncomplimentary to plight to my clients or their esteemed ones for that gush. As their spiritual advisor and practitioner I'm constant for transport a 100% intact spiritual travel. My work is 100% intact I guarantee it and snootily stand following it.
This sample with Ms. Aisha Haadi Elfjer was unavoidably intervallic due to some get by without spell work that she had to support intellect of. This sample forward motion offer at a later time.
In the meantime you may penury to read some other Aisha Haadi relatated websites:
Disgracefully well-known witch Aisha Haadi delivers powerful outcome with love spells.
Aisha Haadi and her powerful Amun Ra Rule
Venerate that Aisha Haadi is not Toby the Blogger
Related Texts:
Sabbats The Witches YearSAMHAIN - The Celtic New Go out with. Samhain is the public holiday of take out for all relations who keep gone otherwise to the Summerlands (the undeveloped place on the astral Planes for all Wicca).
yule -The mid Frosty celebration of the stop of the White Goddess and the Stag Peer of the realm, God of Hunting (Apiece itinerant representations of the God & Goddess)...


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One miniature chocolate chip cookie, handmade of polymer clay. Perfect for collectible art dolls or newborn photoshoots.
Diameter: S - 1,5 cm (0.6'') M - 2 cm (0.8'') L - 2,5 cm (1'')
Real cookies come in many sizes, but the scale is roughly 1/6 for S , 1/4 for M , 1/3 for L.
Also available: Smaller 1/12 scale dollhouse cookies. Dollhouse cookies on tray.
My cookies are handmade to order, the one you receive will be very similar but not identical to the one shown in the photo.
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text: 2013 Marfan Foundation Conference Photos August 14, 2013 by marfmom | 0 comments A little visual recap of this year's conference Recognize these elephants, anyone? These are outside the Oscars hotel, same one we stayed used for conference this year! The 3 of us haven't all been together for 7 years. This was taken at the Chair's Reception Thur. evening. Teens at the speed-meeting activity Yep! Sitting on the couch used in Friends! Dance time! Some of the teen council, just before our Q&A workshop. Parents come and ask the teens any question they like. It's the most popular conference workshop! Marfan Moms! Be Sociable, Share! TweetRelated Post Grateful Josh's Conference Speech My Life With Marfan, Part 3 See You Soon!


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I felt fear curling it's vicious tendrils in my stomach and hands, waiting to claim me. My steps faltered, but I forced myself to step up onto the ledge. I looked down into the abyss of pure darkness and felt the urge to laugh. I didn't think, I just jumped. Oh my god! I thought as I hurtled through nothingness, to my possible doom. What am I doing here? But inside my chest, it felt right. I was grinning, laughing in sharp bubbles of pure adrenaline as I fell into the darkness.
"Oomph!" The wind rushed out of me. I hit hard, landing on my back, and I began to feel what I was on, whatever it was, was giving slightly under my pressure.
A net!
I was laughing full on, now, choking and crying on the tears. All around me was applause and cheering. I beamed as a pair of warm hands steadied my hips and placed me gently on the floor of the cool, underground cave.
"Um, thanks," I stamered, pushing my wind blown hair out of my eyes.
And then I looked into his eyes.
And they were the coldest eyes I have ever seen.
I wasn't flying anymore.


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White gold Lotus Star Chain Cuff
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Robert Watson Dayton, Ohio
I always loved music ever since I was a kid. Music was something like a friend to me. I didn't have a whole lot of friends so music was like a friend to me. I play guitar, bass, and keyboards. I call myself "The Eclectic Music Man" because my music is very eclectic. ... more
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Legal updates
Supreme Court upholds controversial TRISOLEN decisionOn May 15 2017 the Russian Supreme Court upheld a recent IP court decision that only goods that infringe a trademark in their country of origin can be prohibited from circulating in Russia. This seems to contradict Russian legislation and established practice regarding what is and is not a trademark infringement.
New electronic publication system reduces costs and timeOn June 29 2017 a supreme decree was published, approving the regulations for implementing the electronic publication system through the Peruvian Patent and Trademark Office (PTO) webpage. From July 3 2017 electronic publications will be made through the electronic gazette. This new system will simplify trademark application proceedings at the PTO.
Use of BMW trademarks by repair specialist is misleadingIn BMW v Technosport London Limited the Court of Appeal has found that use of the BMW trademark by a company specialising in the repair and maintenance of BMWs went beyond 'informative use' of the trademark and was likely to cause the average consumer to assume a commercial connection with BMW.
22 Aug 2017
Lawyer suggests trademark law be used "as a weapon against neo-Nazis" following misuse of Detroit Red Wings brand in CharlottesvilleA leading litigator at Florida firm Johnson Pope has spoken out about how trademark law can be used "as a weapon" against the misuse of brands by hate groups. This follows global media coverage of white supremacists using the branding of the Detroit Red Wings during recent protests in Charlottesville, with the hockey club forced to issue a statement to clarify that it was not associated with the protesters.
16 Aug 2017
Don't panic, prepare: As Indian office steps up examinations, spike in refusals observedAs the Indian trademark office steps up its efforts to clear its long-standing backlog and process the rapidly rising numbers of applications, one practitioner has observed a resulting spike in clients receiving provisional refusals to international applications designating the country. However, rather than a cause for alarm, she argues that this trend is a natural consequence of the office upping its game.
15 Aug 2017
Mystery over fake TMview site owned by Gleissner; source suggests tycoon may seek license fee from EUIPOA website owned by a company related to notorious trademark filer Michael Gleissner has been found imitating the EU Intellectual Property Office's search platform TMview. The site has been described as a "phishing page" by one attorney, but an insider source tells World Trademark Review it is more likely that the entertainment tycoon is looking to sell or license the domain to the EUIPO.
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Gig Opportunity: Max Impact is the premier rock band of the United States Air Force. They are seeking auditions from bass guitarists. Learn more.
When I found out this video existed (much less the performance), I was highly jealous of the entire audience who was able to witness it (Ben Harper + Tal Wilkenfeld!) Luckily, someone in the audience was able to capture it for the rest of us.
In this video, Harper, Jackson Browne and Tal perform Harper's "Steal My Kisses", which originally featured the funky Juan Nelson on bass. But for this performance, Tal shows her funky side, including a nice little bass solo break. The performance took place on September 19, 2011.
As we reported last week, Tal is working on a new album, with some help from Browne.


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Emergency Medical ServicesWe're Here...Because We Care
Nathan Mason
Ambulance Director
Director's Office:
117 Putnam Drive
Eatonton, Georgia 31024
Phone: (706) 485-1974
882 Oak Street
Eatonton, Georgia 31024
Phone: (706) 485-9096
Fax: (706) 485-0460
The Putnam County Ambulance Service is a 24 hour staffed team of skilled healthcare workers with a mission to save lives, provide medical service and transportation in a prompt, safe and professional manner.
Help Emergency Personnel Locate Your House!
Day or night, it is easier for the Emergency Services
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Life Saving Awards Presented
At the June 2, 2017 BOC meeting, EMS Director Nathan Mason and Fire Chief Shane Hill presented Life Saving Awards to members of their staff: Paramedics Everette Bowen and T. M. Patterson and Firefighters Brent Burrell and Tommy McElhannon. The plaques read "For your actions that saved the life of another." These were given in recognition of the work done to save the life of Eatonton Police Officer Pat Welch. Director Mason explained that thanks to the dedicated work of all involved, the 5 links in the "Chain of Survival" were not broken, which made the difference in the life of Officer Welch. Thank you, thank you to these dedicated employees and great to see Pat up and around!!
Pictured (L-R): Nathan Mason, Shane Hill, Everette Bowen, T. M. Patterson, Brent Burrell, Tommy McElhannon, Pat Welch, Steve Hersey, Trevor Addison, Kelvin Irvin, Alan Foster, Daniel Brown.


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I haven't even started my master's program and I am already looking at Ph.D. programs. A year ago I wasn't that bold. Two years ago, that would have been unthinkable. Three years ago I might have laughed and completely dismissed the idea with a statement like, "you're crazy." (Keeping in mind that the "c" word is not ideal because it perpetuates stereotypes and false societal perception of mental illness, as well as trivializes the experience of those suffering from mental illness.) A lot has changed in the last few years. I also never would have thought of myself as being a responsible dog owner and the fact that I just passed my two-year anniversary at my job is almost unheard of. Yet, it's possible and it's real.
I possess so much more stability that I used to. (Positive self-talk: "Yes! Own it, girl!") The medications I am on not only "seem" to be working, they are working. I have certainly have had moments of extreme instability earlier this year including several bouts of suicidal ideation. But the frequency of those instances is decreasing and the buffer of my resilience is increasing. Just shy of a year ago I began seeing my therapist twice weekly instead of once, and it has served me well. I wanted and needed the extra support. When grad school begins in a month, I may even, at least sometimes at first, only see him once a week. A month ago I didn't like the idea of not seeing him twice a week anymore, but I am getting myself used to the idea.
I have also been seeing my psychiatrist for almost a year. It took a long time and was harrowing trying to find a psychiatrist whom I liked, who was nonjudgmental (i.e. didn't make me cry), less critical, and simply, accepting of me. A lot can be conveyed without words. Since I left my inpatient and outpatient psychiatrists in 2015, I spent a year and a half seeing people I didn't like seeing. But I was too ill to fight for myself, that is, to expend the sumptuous effort it would have taken to find a new psychiatrist. My outpatient psychiatrist refused to see me unless I paid cash up front, rather than going through my insurance, because one of her bills was included in my bankruptcy. I was angry at her and I felt bad at the same time. I didn't want to blame myself, but I did.
I have been taking a course called Psychology of Lifespan development. We have our final exam in four days and I haven't really sat down to study yet. This was not a required course for my graduate program and I am glad I took it. I have learned a lot. I also finally started my new volunteer job a few weeks ago at a large county-funded organization that works with at-risk youth including those who are homeless. As a volunteer I am allowed to attend treatment team meetings. I will also be working with their adoption support services program and after attending my third movie night next week so that they can see how I interact with the children (or "kiddos" as they call them) I will be assigned a child to mentor on a weekly basis. I don't know what age the child will be but I am figuring that it will be a younger child because in the movie night groups I have been assigned to the group with the youngest of children, starting at age two. My previous volunteer experience in the church nursery also lends toward this age range. The minimum time commitment is a strict six-month rule but I hope to continue with the child for much longer. I will simply need to see how my life and availability plays out. I want to be the best positive role model I can be, accepting, patient, and understanding.
My Fall classes include Introduction to Clinical Practice: Basic Skills, Theories of Psychotherapy, and Psychopathology. I am a proud new owner of the DSM-5, and each course has at least three required books. A few of those books I have purchased on Kindle, but there is something about physically holding a book under a reading light and being able to underline passages with pencil which isn't the same as reading a book on the computer and highlighting passages with the click of the keypad (or whatever that area on the keyboard is called where I drag my fingers and click, since using a mouse with a laptop is so uncommon these days).
I have begun working on Saturdays to make time up missed at work during the week because of my volunteer job. It wasn't easy getting approval to miss hours during the week for the volunteer job and then I had to be authorized to work on Saturdays. Once grad school begins I am going to have to tell them that I can no longer work on the weekend because of my school commitments. I also want to work part-time. I received more loan offers than I was expecting to receive, because of my bankruptcy, and I accepted most of them so that I would be able to afford spending more time on my school work and less time at a job. Only, I am afraid they won't let me reduce my hours by very much. In the long-run, if I had to work 30 hours down from 40 a week, that would mean less student debt. However, I want to work only 20 hours so that my real full-time job can be studying. I feel that I need and want it. I am willing to train another sales assistant of they choose to hire one. The previous assistant resigned not too long ago because she needed full-time work in order to be able to pay her bills. I was sad to see her go because we had become friends. We are still in touch, only, I don't get to see her any more.
I really do have a good life. I have a blessed life. I am grateful for my resilience at overcoming the most difficult of obstacles. I fought every day for my mental health, even on the days when I couldn't (or "chose not to" as my therapist would correct me) get out of bed. When I was in bed, I was protecting myself from harm, even if those stimuli of the world outside of my bedroom were merely perceived threats, and I was preserving my well-being. It was mostly for protection so that I wouldn't have to deal with "the world."
Today is Saturday and I slept for eight hours the night before. I indulged in a lazy afternoon nap after work which ended up being a three-hour nap. Luckily I woke up while the sun was still out so that I could go for a nice ten-minute walk with my sweet dog, who napped alongside me on the bed (as usual). The weather is hot and I have the air conditioning on. Where I lived in 2015 there was no air conditioning. That was a miserable place to live, so I won't think about it any more. I don't have to focus on the bad things that happened to me in the past any longer. I can go into a bad memory, and experience sadness, but then I am able to bring myself out of it. Those dips into bad memories are less frequent and they do happen often in the realm of my therapy hour, which is a safe place to experience those feelings associated with the memories. Yes, I was raped, and that was the least of my worries in my old life. But no one needs to know that. Not any more. I don't need to keep telling everyone I meet my story. I have managed to only tell two people at work whom I trust about my past, and almost none of my coworkers other than those two know anything about my past, the fact that I was suicidal for many years, that I hadn't worked for a period of five years due to mental illness. I am okay now and I am resilient as shit and I am a fucking warrior.
A Musing on Whether I Deserve Punishment
I wish I could take a picture of my life as it is now. Snapshot, and I'm done. I could post a photograph of me sitting in my teak wooden chair on my patio with my dog curled up in his bed in front of me and green plants growing in pots, the warm air filling my lungs in the evening light, but that mere description wouldn't do my life justice. Or, would it? Instead, I am going to write. I am going to write more and I am going to write like I've never written before. Because really, it has been a couple months since I last took the pleasure of writing down my thoughts and feelings in a proper blog entry. That is, what I consider a proper blog entry.
A mini crisis just swept over me. I saw my neighbours walk by me with glasses of wine in tow. No, it wasn't just one person. There were six ladies talking and laughing, each with a glass of wine in their hand. I had an intense craving for wine. This whole episode lasted less than ten minutes but it was an obstacle to surmount, for sure. I talked it through with my roommate. I'm lucky I have her. She said that if she ever gets a craving for something like that she eats a piece of sweet fruit. Luckily I have some perfectly ripe summer peaches in the kitchen and I ate one, dripping over the sink. It did help. It helped.
Sometimes I wonder if I am intentionally thinking about hurting myself. I wanted to drink wine just now, but over the last weeks I have been obsessing about reading some of my old journal entries, emails, and poems which are full of pain, hurt, and suicidal ideation. It would be catastrophic to my current state of equilibrium. I would feel awful and I'm sure I would actively want to kill myself again. That feels awful. It has been two or three months since I last thought about planning a suicide. God, I'm so brainwashed that I always initially think of the word "committing" suicide as if I am "committing" a crime. It's planning. It's completion of the suicide. But it is not something that someone commits. People die of suicide. Suicide is not a diagnosis but it is because of a mental health condition, a verifiable illness of the mind and of a chemical imbalance in the brain, that a person would even think of planning a suicide.
I just picked my nose. And I must say, it was incredibly satisfying because I sucessfully extracted some hardened mucous, which I then tossed with with the aide of my forefinger and thumb to the side. It was a good distraction. Anyone who tells me they don't pick their nose from time to time is lying. As children, we are taught that doing so is not appropriate to do in public. But in private? Hell yes! Plus my dog doesn't care. He licks his ass and poops in front of me. He doesn't even care if I'm naked. He accepts me as I am. I want to metaphorically be able to lick my own ass and have someone love me in spite of having been witness to such an act.
It's half past seven and the sky is getting a little bit darker. The shadows are long and the reflection of the sunlight off of the white buildings is a deep, golden yellow. My roommate has miniature pots with plants in them lined up on the stone of the patio wall in the following order: catnip, basil, parsley, rosemary, sage, spearmint and thyme. She has them labeled and in each pot there is a small bit of green sticking out of the soil. Growing plants is a beautiful thing. It is a lovely past-time. One must be consistent to water the plants on a regular basis just as it is important to shower one's soul with self-love in regular doses.
I moved into my home and am sitting on my light sage green couch on top of a white blanket with my chihuahua blend dog right next to me. I didn't feel like eating a real dinner so what I have eaten is a peach, a banana, sweet potato chips, and my new favourite Noosa brand yogurt. I'd say, healthy enough and definitely satisfying to the taste buds.
I suddenly remember a friend of mine from over five years ago. I don't remember why we parted from our friendship. We had been friends from 2009 – 2012 and when we parted I was at one of the peaks of my journey with mental illness. I must have really not wanted to contact her again, because I deleted all of her contact information, including her address. I know what city she lives in but I cannot send her a letter. I was there the day after her baby was born. I documented her child's first years through photographs and I made her an album. And now, we have no contact and I have never met her twin daughters.
I think I'm ready to go back to the hard stuff again. Why do I self harm? Why do I want to self harm? My therapist suggested that when things are going really well for me I seem to want to do something to sabotage it, so that things aren't going so well any longer. "I know you're doing your job to point out patterns," I told him in a brisque manner. "That sounded angry but you look sad," he replied. Yes, he was right. It made me sad to think of this topic. I wasn't angry, nor was I annoyed. But somehow it came out that way.
I'm not a bad person. I am absolutely in no way a bad person. Then why do I treat myself as if I were bad? As if I need punishment? I seem to want to punish myself. But why? What have I done that has been so wrong? Weren't those things done to me? I am not innocent but I certainly wasn't the perpetrator of all the hurt and harm which happened in my life. At least not initially. I was treated so badly for so many years that I came to believe that somehow I deserve to be treated in that way, and that that is the only way to live. I even thought I deserved to die. That the only thing I deserved was to die, and it would have been a release from the pain and the ultimate expression of self-hatred. But just this past Saturday I decided that I love my life.
Things are good right now. Summer school started yesterday. Grad school begins at the end of August. It's a three-year program. I am in process of applying to volunteer my time as a mentor / tutor to a child in a county-funded program for at-risk youth. I also plan to help out with marketing events for my local psychological association which I just joined. I want to get hooked into the local scene with psychologists and MFT's. I want to get to know people and I want others to get to know me. Last night I had a long, private conversation with my professor after class and we walked to the garage together where our cars were parked. I believe she enjoyed my enthusiasm for pursuing my future helping career.
I have to close the blinds right now because it has become dark outside and almost an hour has passed since I began writing this entry. My dog is snoring lightly. I think of it more like his version of a cat's purr.
I took another break. I was still hungry so I ate some homemade black beans with a splash of olive oil and a pinch of salt. It was good. Then I went pee for the third time in three hours, hand-washed the dishes as I always do, and petted my dog. Here I am again, at my computer and more time has passed. I'm not worried about the time or the impending, looming hour that says it's time for bed. I could go to bed right now if I wanted to. But I don't want to go to bed yet.
I just can't do it. I can't do it. I am unable to focus on things which are difficult to talk about, think about, write about. All I managed was a few paragraphs today amid some healthy fluff. I can't talk about why I am triggered at times to think of harming myself. I don't want to think about it. I'm done. I'm in control. I get to say when enough is enough. I want to process these concepts with the help of my therapist. It's far too difficult to do on my own. But I did do it. I managed just a little bit on my own. And that is enough. If I can accept the idea that I want to harm myself with loving kindness, then I won't have to fight it. I can just let it be and acknowledge it and not act on it.
Emotions don't have to control. They simply inform. The fact that I wanted to drink tonight informs me that I got triggered by seeing others holding wine glasses, which immediately brought me to self-harming thoughts, because alcohol used to be related to self harm. I used to drink when cutting myself and I used to drink when I felt suicidal so that I would have the impaired decision-making to carry through with a plan for suicide, whilst I inevitably always called the suicide hotline.
I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I can just keep telling myself that I am okay. Then, I will begin to believe it. The reality is that I am indeed okay, but I just wrote about some not okay things, things that are not okay with me and things that I am not okay with. But me, my person, my being, I am okay. I am really okay. Now, with loving kindness, I shall focus my attention onto my napping therapy dog. Because I have the power to choose where my attention goes.
Closing Out the Day
To my therapist,
Closing Words for the Day
To my Therapist,
Self Reflection and Attachments
I could spend the next twenty minutes studying. I have been wanting to catch up on the reading I missed out on during my intensively-paced introduction to child development course. I read tonight's chapter about substance abuse while on my patio at home and at the pool laying in the sun over the warm weekend. I wasn't able to get all of the reading done for tonight, however. I am lacking on one chapter. I am choosing to do something, rather, to ease my mind, because studying takes concentration, and there's only so much concentration in a day a person can take. I didn't get as much done at work today as I could have and I don't mind. No one is looking over my shoulder. There are days where I strive to be my best, and there are days where I just "am". I give myself a bit of a break. I cannot imagine, however, doing anything but my best when I am a therapist.
I've been told that I am preppy, that I have a hard time giving up control, that I like to tell people what to do. What else comes to mind? I know I have high standards for myself. I'm not so sure I like the word "preppy" because it seems to have a negative connotation. I have a month left in my abnormal psychology course and I am getting about 100% in the class thanks to some extra credit points which were offered. My 92% in the 8-week course was kind of abysmal. My 4-week 3-unit intensive course netted me about a 96% which is decent. If I get 98% I'm not satisfied because I think, "I could have done better." But of course, I have to remind myself that I cannot be perfect. Perfectionist. That's another one I've been called.
These are all new traits that I've developed in the last year. I didn't know I liked to teach and that I enjoy being the "boss". Maybe those qualities were within me, but they were hidden, undernourished, and dormant for all of my 20s. Age nineteen was the last year I had of freedom before the darkness really started to creep into my life. Now I'm 33 and applying to graduate school. It's something I have always wanted to do, at least for about half of my life. Five years ago I could not have foreseen myself being in the place where I am today.
Gratitude. Maybe this is a journal of gratitude. Can I list all of the things which are great about my life? I certainly don't need to remind myself because I am living it every day. But then again, my moods shift and at times they plummet, and the reality is that I do need the reminders. I have a nice home. It is quaint and affordable and I have some nice possessions like my wall mirror, my L-shaped light green couch and my teak wooden lounge chair on the patio. I have my first and my own dining room table. I've never had my own dining room table before. Not since my marriage ended.
I have a life. I have a life that is worth living. I have my therapist and a few friends and my immediate family members which comprise the entirety of my social support. Although now I am my mother's supporter, and it's as it should be. The roles have shifted and she needs my support now, and I am strong enough to be able to be there for her.
Although I am extremely attached to my couch, the first piece of expensive furniture I bought after my divorce, I would actually give it up in an instant. I would give it up if it meant helping someone I love. I would give it up in an instant if the decision seemed imminent. But, I am not in that position right now. I just have to recognize that my possessions don't own me. I own them. I gave away all of my nice ceramic painted planter pots when I had to downsize. No problem! I have simply bought new ones. Things, physical things, can be replaced. People and experiences cannot be replaced. I need to keep this in mind. I own so many things which I treasure: my paintings, my tea cups, my piano keyboard which rarely sees the sight of my fingers, some of my shoes even. As much as I enjoy having those things and using them, I need to remind myself that things, physical things, are replaceable. I keep repeating this because things, physical things, are what define my mother. The things she owns own her. She has not dealt with the traumas of her past and she cannot get rid of anything. She hoards and she will be moving out of her three bedroom home which is completely full of possessions, everywhere, on every surface, and they will be put in storage. I am not sure she will ever be able to afford a home big enough again which will fit all of her things. All I can do is be there for her, visit her, talk to her, accept her for who she is. I can pray for her healing, but that has to come with a willingness which is not currently there. Not yet. I can always hope.
Reflections: Part of my Therapy and Healing
Sometimes all I want to do it to write a blog. You know, just write. For me. I put my heart into it. All of me. My whole being. What I write is the epitome of me, my existence, who I am. Writing defines me. It helps me express my feelings and organize my thoughts. It solidifies the experiences that I have had. It gives me space to reflect. What would I do without writing as a part of my life? I don't know. Writing has always been a part of my life. I know I kept a journal as a kid but I have no idea where that journal ended up. But that doesn't matter. What matters is the process of writing. I don't always go back to read what I have written. I don't always want to. The act of writing in and of itself helps. I cannot bring myself to throw away the old journals which contain accounts of the horrors I have lived through, because they are a part of me. I know that if I were to read them, as I have done to myself in the past, it would have a negative effect on me. It might not retraumatize me, but it would certainly bring back the nightmares and a flood of tears.
Writing to my therapist by email daily is a part of my therapy. I need to connect with him daily. I need him, someone, to know how I am doing and to be a witness to my experience and of my innermost thoughts. I need him to know when I am not doing well, how that is for me, and I need him to know about the beautiful moments in life which make my life worth living. I want him to know it all. The act of writing it down is therapeutic.
I just had my morning weekend coffee. It's past 1:00 pm (aka 13,00 hours) and I am sitting on my patio with new and old plants in pots, enjoying the song of birds and indirect sunlight. This is good for me. In less than two hours I have a Skype date with my aunt in Australia which I have been looking forward to for more than a week. We had to reschedule but I am okay with that. My afternoon is her morning and so it will be her Monday morning.
Three and four years ago, I had a garden of my own. I lived in a one bedroom apartment on the second floor and my balcony was filled with beautiful ceramic pots and soil and plants which I had grown from scratch. I didn't even buy starter plants; I planted my plants from seed. I kept that garden. It was a part of my self-therapy. In tending to those plants, I was nurturing myself. In watching those plants grow, I was watching the act of life itself happen. It was helping to keep me alive. My life the way it is now? I could have never imagined such a life. Because the life I live now is not filled with nightmares and dark spaces and suicidal thoughts. The life I live now is just full of… life.
When I had to move away from that home I had spent two years building, because my alimony was ending and I couldn't afford it any longer, I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. I got rid of all of my pots, along with other things, and life as I knew it was over. I stopped doing everything creative and sunk into an even deeper depression. I stopped painting with acrylic on canvas. I stopped making homemade paper and candying orange peels to eat. I stopped preparing fresh foods for myself. No salads, only frozen foods. I stopped writing poetry and playing the piano. It was the end of my gardening days as I knew it. I no longer sewed and knitted. I got rid of all of my extra, unused rolls of yarn to Goodwill. I stopped seeing people. The priest I had been friends with had moved away to another state on the other side of the country. I survived the entirety of 2015 by sleeping. On weekends I would stay in bed 22 hours a day. It was a miserable year and although I was not often in the mindset of wanting to end my life, the depression was absolutely crippling. It is a wonder that I was able to hold a job and start my career in finance again starting that August. But I did it because I am fucking amazing and because I am a warrior woman.
In December last year when my Mum came to visit, I had her buy me some plants from a nursery. Keeping those plants alive, albeit barely, brought me to this point. It is now well into Spring and my life is full of life. I still sleep a long time on weekends, sometimes 12 hours as I did last night, but I do things that people who don't have depression do. I am living my life as best as I can, and I would say I am doing a pretty darn good job at it.
Friday night was revolutionary for me. Why, you ask? Because I was inspired! I was inspired to start my garden! I went on Offer Up, a site that I had just found out the day before from my friend at work. I've never bought anything via that site before. And I found a lady, Lily, who has a home business selling pottery. I made sure she was a woman, by asking her, because it was Friday night and dark outside and I didn't feel comfortable having to deal with a man at that hour, under those circumstances. I drove the 25 minutes to her home. She had me park in her driveway and she was waiting outside for me. As she led me through the wooden gate to her large backyard, I noticed and pointed out how beautiful it was, with well-kempt bushes and flowers and lush grass. There was some lighting coming from the trellis which covered a part of her patio and she used the flashlight feature on her phone to show me the beautiful ceramic planter pots she had in her inventory. There must have easily been 100 pots to choose from, all different styles and sizes, but most in pairs and matching.
I chose three bright blue matching pots and a pot on a pedestal which was beige-coloured with the image of a sun with a face on it painted orange on the sides. I am phenomenally pleased with my selections and they are so much nicer than any pot I could have gotten at a hardware store such as Lowe's or The Home Depot. I had to go to a pottery store, or in this case, a pottery home-based business. Lily explained to me how she had fallen ill at the end of last year and had to be bed-bound for three months, so she was just now starting up her pottery-selling business over again. She gave me her business card and I am keeping it for the future.
I have a few lettuce seeds planted in one pot. I planted green onions in another. In the third matching blue pot I planted cilantro and Italian parsley. I tried to only plant things that I would actually eat. I used to grow my own zucchini but I have decided for now that I don't like zucchini. Probably because I am not very big on cooking still these days. Homegrown zucchini is really wonderful though, I must say. I wanted to plant mint but I couldn't find the seeds for it and I don't want to buy a starter plant, but I might just do exactly that. In the pedestal pot I planted morning glories. I find them to be really beautiful. I had forgotten that you have to nick the seeds with a knife and leave them to soak in water before planting them. I did that and I was so pleased to see the seedlings already bulging with life the next morning. The miracle of water and life. Water is life.
I have another large pot that I had stored at a friend's house for the past two years. I finally picked it up last weekend. I bought sunflower seeds. These seeds are actually for growing gigantic sunflowers which will supposedly be a foot in diameter when the bloom is blooming! I wanted to maximize my space, and so I planted most of my seeds, well, all of them, too close together. Closer than was recommended. We'll have to see how that works out. My little seedlings are already an inch tall and they are just a week old! I had planted them last weekend. They are pushing their way through the surface of the soil and spreading their first little leaves. Unfortunately, I have roly polies. Apparently another name for this bug is a "pill bug" but I have always known it as a "roly poly". That's because when it is under threat (I had to look this up) it rolls its little crustacean body up into a ball. My pot, which spent two years in an untended location, is full of these little bugs. I didn't think anything of it, but when my seedlings were beginning to sprout I noticed the bugs congregating around the baby plants. Apparently they are harmless in gardens because they decompose old plant matter and eat their own poop. But when there is no decomposed matter to eat, they will eat sprouting plants. They won't eat established plants. Now, several of my baby plants have half-eaten leaves and whenever I see a new roly poly that was previously hidden, I toss it out of the pot onto the grass beyond my patio.
Food is amazing. It nourishes us and keeps us alive just like water does to plants. Plus, water is life too. Water is even more necessary for living creatures than food. We can only go three days without water, but longer without food. I just ate a peanut butter protein bar. It was delicious. Of course, it has a certain amount of sugar in it. It's like eating peanut butter fudge, as my roommate put it. The bar is called a Perfect Bar and they are sold everywhere but they are cheaper at Costco. Costco was having a sale on them a while back and I bought six twelve-packs of bars which come in three different flavours. There are easily ten or fifteen different flavours of the Perfect Bar but Costco has a limited selection in their twelve-pack: peanut butter, peanut butter cranberry, and almond with sesame seeds on the outside. They are all really good. I discovered them when my former roommate bought them back in September and I have been eating them daily for breakfast for the last six months and I don't intend to stop any time soon. The bars are packed with superfoods and nutrients and are really good for you.
I have been spending a lot of money. I spend much more than I make every month and if I hadn't been fortunate enough to get a settlement of a last bit of alimony last year then I would be completely broke with only a thousand dollars left in the bank, which is nothing. Scary little. But I'm doing okay even though I haven't been saving money. I have been spending it. About a thousand has gone toward travel last year and then another eight hundred to new tires in December. Read: tyres, for those British-spellers. This year I have spent about a thousand on new clothes and shoes over the months. I am working on a new and better wardrobe for work, and looking toward my wardrobe as a therapist in my future career. It's expensive to build a nice wardrobe. I have also gotten rid of small clothes which no longer fit me, which is a big deal. Now they aren't taking up space in my closet. It feels really good to have clothes which actually fit me.
I also recently spent five hundred dollars on a laser hair removal package of treatment series. In 2009 I started a series of treatments and it significantly reduced the amount of hair I have on various parts of my body but it isn't completely gone. It has been on my mind in the last several months to finish those series. I finally got up the courage to do some research on it, and I didn't look very far. I actually went with the first place I found on Google. They were having a sale and it was meant to be! I have to wait several months before my first appointment because they don't do Saturdays and the weekday evening spots are the most popular and always taken. I'm good. I can wait. This would have never been possible without the alimony I got last year. I am visiting my Mum for mother's day weekend and there is no way I could have been able to afford the cheap plane tickets without the extra alimony I got. Money makes so many things possible and opens up opportunities. I feel fortunate to have just enough. Not a lot, but enough to be able to have luxuries in my life. There are many people who don't have the nice things in their lives that I have and I am truly grateful.
I have been writing now for over an hour and my Skype date with my aunt is imminently around the corner. We always talk for an hour but I want to not be limited by time and I hope to get to have a couple hours with her, so I have to go microwave that sweet potato that I baked the other night so that I can have food in my stomach so that I can remain calm and centered during my conversation with my aunt. All this stuff takes planning. I learned about "HALT" while listening to Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's books. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Those are risk factors for being unable to cope emotionally. In the books it applies to parenting, but I can parent myself and pay attention to those risk factors too. I have to make sure that all of those aspects are taken care of so that I can remain calm and centered. So, I am going to eat something right now. Cheers!
I Can Do It: This Thing Called "Life"
I always have so many things going on in my mind: I could write about it every day if I had time. It's really difficult waiting five days to see my therapist as I decided to not see him three times this week, only two. I have to practice my coping skills on my own. I can't have him always there to help regulate my internal state of being. There are things I need to do that I keep putting off, like booking the car rental for when I visit my mom on mother's day, and calling the collection agency that put a collection item on my credit report unbeknownst to me. I consider these to be unpleasant tasks and I have a mental block in my motivation to do them. The latter is especially cumbersome and complex emotionally, because of the bankruptcy I filed a year and a half ago. Anything to do with my credit report and so forth wears on me emotionally. But as my therapist had told me before, if I don't do it today, it will still be there tomorrow. Meaning, there is no rush and I will get to it when I can get to it. To not worry. Because eventually, even if it takes me a year to muster up the courage, eventually it will get done.
I wrote the above paragraph in the beginning of the week. I was not having a good week. Monday I was busy straight from 8:00 AM to midnight, and the same thing on Tuesday. By Wednesday I was exhausted. Last night, Thursday, when I saw my therapist, the first thing I did was cry. And cry, I did. I let it all out until there was nothing left. Then, ever so gently, he asked me, "can you talk about it?" He had asked me at the very beginning of the session if I had had a difficult day, since he reads the emails I send him throughout the day. That's when I started crying. After he asked me to talk about it I simply said, "No, I didn't have a good day." He nodded his head in understanding. Then, slowly, we began to talk about it.
He acknowledged and empathized with me about my feelings of being overwhelmed. When I was at the grocery store and the cashier was separating the cold and the not-cold items into separate bags, I said, "I just want to make it home. I don't care how you put them away." Another cashier heard this and commented, "sounds like you need a bottle of wine." As a side note, I don't like that our culture is so focused on alcohol as a solution to problems and stress. I don't like it. "You didn't tell the cashier to 'hurry up and put it away so I can go home,'" said my therapist. "No, I didn't want her to feel bad."
Then, at work, I became inordinately angry at something that would normally have not made me so angry. I hate, absolutely hate, last-minute things. Ten minutes before our monthly strategy meeting was to begin, my boss told me that one of the dollar figures on the report was wrong and that I needed to fix it before the meeting began. I had already printed out 14 packages for each attendee, and at the last minute I needed to reprint one of the pages and replace that page for each packet. It was kind of stressful. I told my therapist that I had an angry face on during the whole meeting and that several people asked me what was wrong because apparently I was spaced out and not really present. "If an angry face was all you did, then that's pretty good," my therapist pointed out. I told him I wanted to cry, I was so angry. "But you didn't." Right, I didn't. I wanted to cry but I didn't.
Additionally, I wanted to call in sick to work and I have wanted to have alcohol for the last few days in a row, but I didn't do those things. I didn't do them because I have control over what behaviours I enact based on how I am feeling. This means that what I feel doesn't have to dictate what I do. Feelings come and go, but I remain. Feelings merely inform me. It is up to me what I choose to do with those feelings.
I can do this life. I can do it. I am doing it. I am living it. I am living my life. I can do this. It is hard. It is really hard. Life is hard. But I can make it to the next moment, and then the next hour and then the next day. I can make it from day to day until that day becomes a week. No matter what life throws at me, I will always have life. Nothing can kill me. Emotions cannot kill me. I may feel very overwhelmed at times but it isn't the end of my life. I can cope. I can do it: this thing called "Life."
Babysitting Adventures, Equality, and Saying No
I put my friend's five-year-old to bed last night. It was quite precious. I was babysitting while my friend was at a concert and surprisingly, it was my first time ever alone with him. I used to help with the bedtime routine when he was one and two years old back when I wasn't working and in addition to being therapeutic for my friend because of the negative household environment that her now ex-husband brought into the situation, it was therapeutic for me. I used to watch her breastfeed her baby and I read stories and played with this child while he was taking a bath. He still likes baths to this day.
This little boy kept wanting me to call or text his mom. His excuse was that he wanted his "normal" pillow and that the pillow on his bed wasn't his usual one. We went to his mom's room together but the pillows on the ground didn't have covers on them because the linens were in the wash. "Please call my mom so you can ask about the pillow!" he pleaded with me. "What would that accomplish?" I asked. "So then she would come home to me instead of in the morning." My heart broke. I didn't realize he missed his mommy that much. In order to distract him I said, "how about I tuck you in like a burrito?" "What's that?" he asked intrigued. I said, "Well, you have to lay flat on the bed with your arms to the side and the covers pulled all the way up." Then I proceeded to tuck the blanket around his entire body while repeating the words, "squish, squish, squish." Apparently he thought it was a fun game because he had me do it again later and then asked me to show it to his mom so she can do it too.
When I asked if he wanted me to rub his back as his mom had told me he likes that, he said, "You're not my mom!" "No, I'm not." I replied. Later on when I asked if he wanted me to pat his back while he was going to sleep he said, "of course." He kept fidgeting around a lot while trying to go to sleep. "Close your eyes," I instructed him in the dim glow of the fish tank on the other side of the room. I had to switch hands from patting his back every once in awhile because the other hand would get tired. He also let me lightly stroke his head. It was very gentle and a special moment. He is five, but in those moments while he was falling asleep with his back to me as I was sitting on the stool next to his bed, he seemed like a baby. He is five but he is still that little baby I once knew.
Now I understand when mothers will say, "yes, baby?" to their elementary school-aged child. Because your child is always your baby, even when they are grown up. You gave birth to them; you helped give them life. They were born unto you as a baby. Life is precious and so are children. So in a sense, that makes everyone in the world precious, because we all once were babies. Of course, babies are so innocent.
Adults have a self-awareness and a moral conscience, and so, they are not really "innocent" human beings. I remember last December when a man on the roadside helped me change my tire. I did pay him royally for his kindness but even before I had offered him money, he told me, "you are someone's daughter and someone's sister. I would want someone to help my daughter." We are all someone's daughter or someone's son, we are someone's grandchild, and we could be someone's sibling, aunt, parent. We are all neighbours in this world, yet there is so much prejudice and stigma and fighting. I want to do away with the lot and treat everyone equally. Everyone is equal and everyone deserves kindness. Every. Single. Person.
When my friend came home around midnight I recapped the evening, including when her son, who has some behavioural difficulties due to the divorce and verbal abuse from the father directed to the mother, tried to hit me. I had told him, "don't hit me, I'm your friend." "You're not my friend!" he responded. "I am your friend." "No, you're not," he insisted. "What am I then?" I asked. "You're… you're… nothing!" he managed to eek out. I said nothing but he did not try to hit me again. My friend called me the "child whisperer." Apparently in all of her son's five years, she has never had anyone put him to bed other than herself or her mom. She was very pleased and grateful and she came up with my reward (since I didn't ask to be paid): fresh, homemade tortillas. I told her I want to watch her make them. I am much looking forward to it. She has offered to take me out to dinner as a "thank you" but she knows now that I much prefer homemade meals, and she is really such a good cook. Much better than me.
At first, when my friend had asked me on Sunday to babysit, I had said "yes" having forgotten that I had scheduled a Skype date with my aunt for that night a week ago. When I realized I didn't have the courage to take back my "yes." I have a really hard time saying "no" to people. I'm the person who can always do whatever is asked of me. That has gotten me into some difficult situations at work in terms of feeling overwhelmed. I talked it over with my friend at work yesterday and came to the conclusion that it's okay to say no. I don't have to say "yes." I have a life too; I have things to do too. I had really been looking forward to my Skype date and felt regret at having to reschedule it for a later date. I felt angry toward my friend who had asked me to babysit even though this had been my own doing. I vowed to not let my friend know that I was angry, and to take this as a learning experience: that it's okay to say no.
Appreciation and Back To Who I Used To Be (Minus the PTSD)
It's the dawn of a new day… no, no, no. It isn't actually. It's an hour before sunset and it is my privilege to be sitting outside under a blue sky on campus. I just got out of work and I have a half hour before class, so I figure I can make use of this time and have the luxury of writing a blog entry. I was elegantly dressed at work and I brought my bright pink duffel bag with gym clothes and flip flops to change into. It always feels great to not be in work clothes since I spend over 40 hours a week in them anyway. I wonder if in grad school I'll feel compelled to dress formally as at work or casual as I am now. I suppose it will depend on what others do in my cohort. But this is undergrad and I totally fit in in gym clothes. I still don't get the whole torn jeans thing. You buy jeans and other clothing items that look totally mutilated. I don't get it. Not for me. Not of my generation or stylistic comprehension. But I will reserve judgement.
It's just cool enough, 71 degrees and in the shade, to be wearing a nice, baggy sweater. I love covering myself up but letting my feet roam free in the air. I don't like tight clothing unless it is black because then you can't really see the shape as well. Even if I were super skinny… no, no, no. Yet again, no. I don't want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to be as I am now.
I am so lucky to have been able to afford a new and lightweight computer. I look at myself out on this slab of a concrete bench with a laptop in my lap, typing away, and I think, wow, I am so modern. I have modern technology and my computer is portable. I can use it anywhere. I can connect to WiFi anywhere on campus. It just wasn't like that when I went to college. I don't even use a physical notepad any longer because I take all of my notes on a Word document. What ever happened to the buy-it-once computer technology. It's because Microsoft can make more money off of an annual subscription fee. Plus the software gets updated automatically.
This morning was amazing. This weekend was amazing. It's all because I have not been feeling depressed. I woke up before my alarm clock. Can you believe it? Me, of all people. Me, the person who used to have three alarms set on my phone with three snooze options per alarm. That's an alarm ringing every 5 to 10 minutes for 45 minutes long. My first alarm would ring at 7:00 and my last snooze would be at 7:50 in order to make the short drive to start work by 8:30.
I woke up before my alarm because of a nightmare. But in that bad dream I was saying "no" to my abuser. I tried closing my eyes to think of something pleasant, such as imagining sitting in my therapist's calming waiting room, but the visualization didn't work. So I got up. I actually got up. I put my feet on the ground and slowly stood up. That's all it took to get up. I am so amazed. Why does it feel insurmountably difficult to drag myself out of bed every single day, but today, for whatever reason, it was easy? I want more of these days!
I had coffee. I only make myself coffee on weekends when I sleep in and I have nowhere to be in the mornings. I purposefully don't schedule my weekend mornings because I know just how difficult it is for me to get out of bed. But today, on a weekday, on a Monday, I made myself espresso in my stovetop moka. I even sat outside to drink it. I felt the cool air rushing over my skin while I was still in pajamas.
My patio is filled with a bag of potting soil, a new plant, and new pots. I have big plans for my patio. Two years ago, in 2013 and 2014 when I had my one bedroom apartment which I could afford only at the time, I had a potted garden on my balcony. I had the most beautiful ceramic pots of blue and other colours. I grew sunflowers and morning glories and basil and zucchini and mint and succulents and I still had my sentimental tree that I had grown since it was a baby tree for about eight years. I have since given that tree to my brother and his girlfriend and I'm fine with them having it. I can grow a new tree. Wouldn't it be cool to grow an avocado tree? It takes years to finally bear fruit. I have only ever gotten a seed to grow two feet tall, but that in itself was an accomplishment. I used to take pictures of my flowers and send them to friends. All of this, I am going to do again. I am going to return to the person I was, the person who had hobbies and who did creative things, and filled her life with joy. It has taken a long time to come back to this place. But I did it. I am doing it.


text: 2002 2017-07-07 Headline War correspondents--Great Britain Adie Kate Kate Adie 59464047 2002 59464047 Biography The kindness of strangers : [the autobiography] en As BBC's chief news correspondent and presenter of Radio Four, Adie was regularly dispatched to report on disasters and conflicts throughout the 1980s. This book is an insight into the modern world of news, taking the reader behind the camera. Adie has been named Reporter of the Year twice by the Royal Television Society and she was awarded the OBE in 1993. Women television journalists--Great Britain London Adie Kate Kate Adie Great Britain. War correspondents Women television journalists enk 9780755310722 0755310721


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Royce & Royce Entertainment presents yo you "Wa Freak'N Wu" by Wale Tuner aka Hottest.
The hot rapper revealed exclusively on Datjoblessboi TV last Sunday, that he is going to release a new vibes this week, and really he hasn't disappointed by dropping this smash hit.
Check on it below and share your thoughts. Listen Up!!!


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The President, Dangote Group, Alhaji Aliko Dangote, in his statement while receiving The Guardian Man of The Year 2015 award in Lagos, said Nigeria will be the highest exporter of cement by the year 2018.
"The only way we can help the continent is to be self-sufficient and also export. What we have been able to achieve is that in the next two years, Nigeria will be the highest exporter of cement."
Dangote said the award was the most cherished among all the honours he had received both locally and internationally, stating that he was working hard with his company to take Nigeria to the next level and that within the next two and half years…
"We want to do that by looking at critical areas where Nigeria is not doing well in terms of local production and tackle the problem areas."
Also See:See Why Cross River Government Is Banning Wood For Roofing
And to tackle these problem areas, he stated that the company has invested in a refinery with a production capacity of 650,000 barrels per day, adding that its petrochemical plant, which has a production capacity of 1.2 million metric tonnes, was 10 times that of Eleme petrochemicals, which has 120,000MT production capacity, thus making it the largest producer of petroleum products in Africa.
"Dangote Group is building a refinery which will produce 650,000 barrels of petrol per day; the current capacity that we have as a country now, both the ones that are working and the ones not working, is just 450,000 barrels per day.Our petrochemical is ten times that of Eleme, we are at 1.3 million, Eleme is 120,000, so it will be the largest petrochemical industry in Africa. In fertilizer production, we are not only trying to satisfy the market, but our size is three million tonnes which is ten times more than what is available in Nigeria today."
Also See: DIVERSIFICATION: Ondo Partners American Firm To Begin Bitumen Exploration
"We are committed to turning around the economy of Nigeria and in the next two and a half years, Nigeria will be the highest oil petroleum products export country, will be the highest in terms of fertilizer export, will be the highest in petrochemicals export," he added.


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Perfect for either side of your front door to light up your porch area, this hanging lantern creates a warm welcome to your home at Christmas. Place one of our Pure Pillar Candles inside and let it glow. Alternatively, take off the detachable hook and stand a lantern either side of your fireplace to add an ambient glow to your living room.
Please make sure lantern is cool before moving or touching.
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The Joint Entrance Screening Test (JEST) has published the Result 2011, conducted by Institute of Mathematical Sciences (IMSC).As per the announcement The Joint Entrance Screening Test (JEST) examination was held on 20/02/2011.The Result for JEST 2011 has been published online on the official website at www.imsc.res.in
Candidates can get their JEST Result 2011 by entering their roll number at the official website.
Curreltly website for JEST Result 2011 is offline and is currently not available due to technical problems. Please try again later. Thank you for your understanding.
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The Canadian Growth Gap Needs Private Capital
While Canada's technology ecosystem is gathering momentum, it continues to struggle with a shortage of growth capital. Studies point to a $1-billion gap that is growing by $250-million a year.
Unless this gap is closed, Canadian startups will fail to reach their full potential because they are unable to attract enough follow-on financing. Canadian government initiatives to stimulate innovation and help fund VCs are laudable but not enough. We have to find ways to encourage private capital to be invested in the venture asset class. To date, this capital has been concentrated in the large-cap public markets and alternatives like real estate. Why not VC?
The traditional VC model pools capital into large 10-year funds that need to chase Unicorns (companies with billion-dollar valuations) to generate returns, and investors wait a long time for a liquidity event. A recent VentureBeat story suggests the average time for a VC-backed company to be acquired is five years, and over eight years to achieve an IPO. So how can Canadian private investors be convinced to climb on the technology bandwagon? At Plaza Ventures, we address this situation by taking a different and innovative approach.
Rather than raise mega-funds that require Unicorns to generate healthy returns, we create a series of micro-funds concentrated in a small number of growth-stage companies with strong management teams, metrics-driven business models, and robust revenue growth. We back "Beavers". These venerable animals built the early Canadian economy and they are known for tireless hard work and determination. Beavers aren't flashy, but they deliver.
Of course, we hope they turn into Narwhals, the rare and magnificent Canadian version of the mythical Unicorn.
An example of a successful Beaver investment is Montreal-based SweetIQ, which was recently acquired by Gannett/ReachLocal.
The sale happened just 18 months after we led a $4.2-million series A financing for SweetIQ, which helps local bricks and mortar retailers manage their online presence and convert online advertising into in-store foot traffic. With four straight years of 300% growth and 150 employees, SweetIQ was looking for Series B financing to accelerate its growth before it attracted Gannett/ReachLocal, which was enticed by the strong platform and team. The proceeds from the SweetIQ deal returned nearly two-thirds of the funds from PV Fund II and one-fifth of the funds from PV Fund III (in just three months!).
While SweetIQ's purchase captured the headlines, our portfolio includes many fast-growing tech companies like Q4, Mobify, Miovision, StackAdapt and FanXchange — who on average have doubled their revenues year over year since we invested in them.
Our newest fund, PV Fund IV, will invest two-thirds of the capital raised in follow-on financing for five or six of our proven portfolio companies, while one-third will go towards four or five new Series A or Series B deals. The ability to recycle capital in high-growth companies that generate quick returns is a key element of our investment model.
As important, we operate with transparency and our interests are aligned with our startups and investors. We don't take fees from managing money so our success is fueled by creating enterprise value, and nothing else. As we have done in our first three funds, the capital in Fund IV will be fully invested over the next twelve months.
Established in 2008, Plaza Ventures invests in growth stage B2B companies with high-performing, metrics-driven business models.


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The initial, two-year sponsorship, will focus on tennis development, club tennis and junior tennis, Tennis South Africa's (TSA) chief executive, Richard Glover, announced on Mmonday.
"Their (Growthpoint) backing is a massive endorsement of the new positive energy flowing through our federation," Glover said.
"Growthpoint understands that for a sport to thrive, investment is first needed in the foundations - hence their focus on development, clubs and juniors.
"With Growthpoint's support, the sleeping giant that is tennis in South Africa is starting to stir."
The cash injection from the property group would fund, among others, TSA's new transformation and development plan. This includes the introduction of three new centres of development excellence and the creation of a national development squad.
Growthpoint will have naming rights to the TSA junior tournaments and the new National Club Championships.
The National Club Championships will consist of 14 regional events across the country and a national grand final based on a doubles tennis format for men and women.
Glover said although Growthpoint was the mainline sponsor, it was not an exclusive agreement, allowing other corporates to partner with TSA.
"Growthpoint are happy for us to bring in other sponsors, so we've got another sponsor in the pipeline from a high-performance tennis perspective," Glover said.
"High-performance is a big priority for us and we are really looking at tennis from three aspects: Interest, high-performance and participation."
Glover said TSA were making progress on the elite side of the sport, where they were in the early stages of planning for a national tennis centre.
He said the money would be allocated to tennis development, junior tennis, and the club tournament, while some funds would be used for administrative use.
"It is exciting because it means we can now invest in our foundation and now we can start focusing on the sexier stuff, like bringing international tennis to South Africa," Glover said.
"This is now our fifth sponsor we've brought in since the start of (the year) and this is by far the biggest.
"It is good in these tough times where a lot of people are struggling find sponsors."
The new Growthpoint headline sponsorship is aimed at kick-starting a grassroots tennis revolution across the country! pic.twitter.com/a8bQVQ2vbW— Tennis South Africa (@TennisSA) July 3, 2017
The Star


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While I watch a lot of movies, and read a lot of books I had to think about this post for awhile. Dre did the best post on Stand By Me, which has been my favorite movie forever (I'm a big fan of River Pheonix). While my next choice would be Devil Wears Prada.. I decided to take this a different direction!
Bridge to Terabithia
This is a childrens book written by Katherine Patterson (who happens to be my aunt Meredith's brother-in-laws mother, when we were kids she use to send us signed copies of her books!). The book was written in 1977 and won the Newbery Medal in 1978. What I find most interesting is that according to wikipedia "The novel's content has been the frequent target of censors and appears at number eight on the American Library Association list of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books for the decade 1990–2000".
The movie was made by Disney in 2007. I watched it for the first time alone, on a rainy night in SF. By the big climax of the story I was bawling my eyes out and after the movie had to go into my room to finish off the tears. I don't want to give anything away so you'll have to watch/read for yourself! I have to say the actress that plays Leslie is super cute and talented, AnnaSophia Robb, and Zooey Deschanel is in it….you know it has to be good.
"Just close your eyes, but keep your mind wide open."


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A creative eclectic in pursuit of destiny…Welcome to my personal blog. I hope these heart-felt reflections, humorous quips, and vibrant photos brighten your day and inspire your creativity. I'm an educator by day and a creative eclectic at all other times. Explore my websites and the links listed below to discover how many different ways people can express their unique creativity. -JoDee Luna
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Tag Archives: garden snake
The Treasures of Family
Easter was a wonderful day spent with family and a couple of our close friends. We milled in and outside of my parents' home, warmed by the sun that danced upon the green Leona Valley hills of my childhood home. … Continue reading
Posted in Family Tagged creative, Easter, Family, garden snake, holidays, inspirational, oriole, Photography, treasures 2 Comments


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|"Marshmallow Murder"
|Episode or Video
|August 20, 2009
|Episode Guide
| Previous
"{{{Prev Ep}}}"
| Next
"{{{Next Ep}}}"
Marshmallow Murder is a video where Marshmallow scream.
Marshmallow MurderEdit
(Swoosh! Swoosh!)
(Sizzing in terror)
(All the Marshmallow laughs too)
Steve: Oh, it's such a nice day! Nononononooooo!
Marshmallow #1: Yeah, it really is!
Marshmallow #2: Yeah, speak for yourself! You're not crammed in this bag! Move over, dude!
Marshmallow #3: Ahhhh, Why don't you move over, and stop being such a fluffy face!
Steve: Whoa! Do you kiss your mom with that mouth?
(Marshmallows laughs)
Steve: Whatever. Hey: Put me down! What the...?
Marshmallow #4: Where's he taking Steve? Where's Steve going?
Steve: Put me down.
(The man stabs the stick and screams. He kind just land and marshmallows screams too. Fire, kiss losing effect in the creepers burns apologize, kind park just roasts burning, God, just kind just and fire, no, problem he's your screams.)
Steve: FIRE!! ON FIRE, FIRE!!!! (Screams) IT BURNS!!! IT BURNSSSSSSSS!!!
Marshmallow #6: Oh! Wait! (Screams just he friend marshmallows. Screams too) HE'S BURNING ME!!! AAH!!!!!! I'M MELTING!!!! OOOHH! AAAAAAAHH!!! NOOOOO!
Marshmallows: (scream in terror)
Dane: (eat mouth)
(Fire cracking)


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Create an Account - Increase your productivity, customize your experience, and engage in information you care about.
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Springfield Township offers events year-round. Whether you enjoy concerts in the park, father-daughter dances, art shows or festivals, there always seems to be something exciting happening in the community. You may view various calendars in the Select a Calendar window and subscribe to receive email and/or text event notifications by selecting Notify Me. Public events such as festivals, concerts and Township school-related functions may be submitted to the "Submitted Events Calendar". (We will not publish religious or political calendar items.)
March 8, 2017, 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM @ Allen Paul Community Room
The Board of Directors of the Springfield Township, Hamilton County, Ohio, Community Improvement Corporation, Inc. will conduct the Annual Meeting on March 8, 2017 at 8:00 a.m. in the Springfield Township Administration Building, 9150 Winton Road.


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Snoozing an Alert simply pauses the Notification of this alert, eliminates it from the Alerts Dashboard and stops from sending out emails for a specified period of time.
Snoozing an Alert is intended to defer the handling of the Alert to a later time.
Follow the steps given below to snooze alerts.
1. Navigate to Alerts page.
2. Check the box in the row of the alert/s you wish to snooze.
3. Click the Snooze Alerts () icon.
The Snooze Alert dialog will be displayed.
4. Select the specific time frame you wish to snooze the Alert.
5. Click Apply.


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Always on the go? No more worries about running out of battery power! You can power your Tablet with this 2-Cell Lithium Polymer Battery from Dell. With a capacity of up to 36 Whr, the battery lets your tablet work seamlessly when you are on the move.
For more information about warranties, please click here: www.dell.com/warranty.Technical Support
This product is compatible with the following systems:
From drivers and manuals to diagnostic tools and replacement parts, Dell Product Support has you covered.
Add the products you would like to compare, and quickly determine which is best for your needs.


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Start with high level DFD and then break further
1. The top level DFD should be Context driven showing external user interaction with the whole system/product across top level/external trust boundry. 2. The next level break up may focus on one specific use case or feature 3. The lowest level DFD should be preapred only if required that may show all the components within same trust boundry.
Option 1 – Top Down approach: You may take top down approach to start with the whole system further detailed down by specific use cases or features
Option 2: Bottom Up Approach: Start with specific feature/data element and anslyse bottom to top, finding all the entry-exit points in appliaction that influence the respective feature/data element. This may be used if you want to first focus on highly critical functions/data elements first. For example if your application handles Credit Card data of your customers then you may start by analysing all touch points in your application that are only relevant to CC data.
Note: DFD is not a Flow Chart or Class Diagram or a Sequence Diagram.
Read Threat Modeling - Practice Guide to understand how to use DFD during Threat Modeling exercise.


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Specially prepared meatballs served with rice.
A very famous Turkish kebab dish; thinly cut Doner Kebab basted with tomato sauce over pieces of pide bread and generously slathered with melted butter and yoghurt.
Traditional Turkish white rice dish; cooked with butter.
Traditional Turkish bulgur rice dish; cooked with tomato, onion and butter.
The famous Iskender kebab is prepared the same way as above with Chicken Doner.
The famous Kebab dish is prepared the same way with Chicken and Meat Doner mix.
Meat Doner served on a bad of white rice.
Chicken Doner served on a bed of white rice.
A generous size of Meat Doner plate served with rice.
A generous size of Chicken Doner plate served with white rice.
Hand-minced meat mixed
Kebab beyti wrapped in lavash served with yogurt, tomato sauce and rice.
Special hand-minced meat marinated in spices served with grilled aubergines and hot pide.
Tender lamb chops grilled over fire served with rice
Marianted boneless chicken served with rice.
Marinated chicken wings served with rice.
Marinated chicken cubes served with rice
Shish chicken, chicken wings, adana kebab served with vegetables and white rice.


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My latest Guardian column, "Networks are not always revolutionary," argues that networks are necessary, but not sufficient, for many disruptive commercial, cultural and social phenomena, and that this character has led many people to either overstate or dismiss the role and potential of networked technology in current events:
"For most artists," as the famous Tim O'Reilly aphorism has it "the problem isn't piracy, it's obscurity." To me, this is inarguably true and self-evident - the staying power of this nugget has more to do with its admirable brevity and clarity than its novelty.
And yet, there are many who believe that O'Reilly is mistaken: they point to artists who are well-known, but who still have problems. There are YouTube video-creators who've racked up millions of views; bloggers with millions of readers, visual artists whose work has been appropriated and spread all around the world, such as the photographer Noam Galai, whose screaming self-portrait has found its way into everything from stencil graffiti to corporate logos, all without permission or payment. These artists, say the sceptics, have overcome obscurity, and yet they have yet to find a way to convert their fame to income.
But O'Reilly doesn't say, "Attain fame and you will attain fortune" - he merely says that for most artists, fame itself is out of their grasp.
Networks are not always revolutionary


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All sages have square stems
and whorls of two-lipped flowers, either distinctly spaced
along flower stalks or so tightly crowded that they look
like one dense spike; some species have branched
inflorescences. Flower colors range from white and yellow
through salmon and pink to scarlet and pure red, from pale
lavender to true blue and darkest purple. A few sages have
fragrant blossoms. Many have aromatic foliage. Sages attract
hummingbirds, bees, butterflies.
Rounded plant, branching from base; typically grows 1–4
ft. high and wide. Slender, hairy stems are closely set with
glossy green, 3/4–1 1/4-in.-long leaves that vary in shape
from rounded to linear. Blooms throughout summer and fall,
bearing 1/4– 1-in. flowers on 3–6-in. stems, in colors
ranging from deep purplish red through true red to various
rose and pink shades to white. To keep plants tidy and free
blooming, prune and remove dead flower stems frequently.
Before new spring growth begins, shorten and shape plants,
removing dead wood. Good low hedge. Be sure to give some
shade in hottest areas.
(Sunset Garden Book)
Finality Graphics -
Custom Website Design


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Skill enhancement
Our team is constantly working on developing their competence. We know how easy it is to be left behind in our industry, so we keep up to date on the latest changes and identify and action any skill gaps. We continuously raise the level of our programming skills and project management. Internal and external training, tech conferences, coding dojos and discussions about technology – this is how we spend time at work, in addition to the daily work on projects.
Friendly office
For the reason that we spend large part of our lives at work, we need a friendly place to work at. We stay at a beautiful location in the heart of Wroclaw. It is hidden in a quiet courtyard patio in plac Solny 14a.
We love working on IT projects, but also appreciate the time out of the office. And because work-life balance is so important to us, we do sports together after work. Currently it is soccer & basketball.


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I'm off to uni now, maybe for the last time, who knows. But technically it's not even uni anymore, it's just a university centre. Absolutely nuts. The past 3 years have flown by, so scary. Anywho, going to pick up all my last little bits, my portfolio, and exhibition bits.
I also left my tub of gravy granules but I might leave it for Andy to keep, you can thank me later Andy. I am also going to be really cheeky and use the macs and printers for free, thanks, Hugh Baird.


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My Shadow by Robert Louis Stevenson Poetry Differentiated Reading Comprehension Activity(3 member reviews)'My Shadow' is a poem written by Robert Louis Stevenson. This differentiated reading comprehension activity linked to the poem comes with answers. Ideal to use alongside a poetry unit, as a guided reading task or homework activity. A great performance poem too.Save for Later
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