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urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker Case Files of the 12th (witness refuses to cooperate) Soxford_Whittaker 2013-03-26T16:24:00Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:18623 The Nathan Fillion Birthday Paean. Yeah. Paean. 2013-03-26T16:24:00Z 2013-03-26T16:24:00Z HI GUYS. Nathan Fillion's birthday is tomorrow, March 27. I wrote him a SONG.

Here it is!

(For the record, his name rhymes with lots of things and that really works for me.)

Happy Birthday, O Captain My Captain! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:18407 Walk Like Beckett Day! 2012-09-24T00:33:28Z 2012-09-24T00:33:28Z TOMORROW IS THE HALLOWED DAY. I am so EXCITED, we have been waiting for MONTHS to see More Porn On This Show.

And what better way to honor The TV Show Of Hot Brunettes Making Sweet Love than to dress appropriately?

Walk Like Beckett tomorrow, friends. I'm going to. Walk tall, wear awesome shoes, etc. (click HERE for a refresher on How To Walk Like Beckett). And WATCH CASTLE TOMORROW NIGHT. Be strong, doods.

I'm already preparing, myself:

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:17921 Second International Walk Like Beckett Day! 2012-09-13T16:45:52Z 2012-09-13T16:56:07Z My Strongest Suit, Aida Hi everyone. Sorry I've been more or less gone for months now. Graduated, got a job, moved. You know how it goes. BUT...my season 4 DVDs are arriving soon...so there will be MOAR RECAPS.

In honor of season 5 which I am sure is going to BLOW OUR MINDS, I am announcing the Second International Walk Like Beckett Day on Monday, September 24, 2012!

In case you forgot how this works:

1. On the aforementioned date, wear something AWESOME. Channel your inner Beckett. Bust out those shoes that make you feel like a goddess, that jacket that makes you look all professional and sexy, that skintight blue cocktail dress that basically does nothing but say HI I'M HOT LOOK AT ME. Spend a few extra minutes creating your own hairporn. Tuck a ring on a chain inside your shirt or wear a man's watch. Go with what moves you.

2. Revel in the floods of compliments you will get. Hold your head up, girlfrannnn.

3. If a big sexy cheeky writer tells you he wants to write a book about you, say yes. Trust me on this one.

4. Take pictures! Tumblr! Twitter (#walklikebeckett)! LJ! Dreamwidth! Banners! Billboards! Send your best pictures to Luke Reichle (@RedCarpetLuke) and see what he thinks!

5. And then as culmination of your own personal fabulousness, join with the LEGIONS of other fabulous folk by watching the Castle season premiere at 10/9c on ABC!

I have had questions about this before, so let me clarify: this is not LOOK Like Beckett Day. It is WALK Like Beckett Day. We don't all look like her and that's FINE. But stand up tall and feel strong and yeah, bite your lip a little to tease people. Own it. I'd start singing I Am Woman but I think you get the point.

And you might wanna pop one more button, just in case...

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:17840 Today's Poll: Karaoke Paradise. 2012-03-09T03:01:23Z 2012-03-09T03:01:23Z Not sure why I feel so strongly about this, but: the gang must do karaoke sometimes, right? WHAT do they sing?

AND there are multiple questions too. It's like BONUS FUNTIMES. It's like CHRISTMAS.

View Poll: Castleoke

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:17554 The Songs Of Cassl and Bekt 2012-02-21T19:46:34Z 2012-02-21T19:46:34Z um. see below.
I had never intended to write this post, because there are approximately 9427650481374547 songs that accurately describe Cassl and Bekt. But mainly I just want to make a small dent. So if, like me, you're always looking for something new to listen to (and, also like me, everything in the world ever makes you think of this show), here are some of my thoughts.

Do you have a suggestion? I am always looking for more. Feel free to comment with music you hear as Cassl/Bekt LURVE music.

Rather than just drop them all on the page, I've attempted to slightly organize them.

Enjoy.

GENERAL

If It's Love (Train) – So very them. "If it's love, and we decide that it's forever, no one else can do it better…" That, to me, is them. "You are the greatest thing about me." Yes.

I've Never Been In Love Before ("Guys 'N' Dolls") – Like Cassl and Bekt, Sarah and Sky became the perfect couple. They initially didn't get along, they fought, they resisted, and then suddenly, they couldn't fight it. Perfect.

Stolen (Dashboard Confessional) – There is no better way in the world to express the two of them than these five words: you have stolen my heart.

L-O-V-E (Nat King Cole) – Do I even have to explain this one?

CASSL

You're So Damn Hot (OK Go) – Probably more of the season 1 vibe, to be fair. "You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all; you're bad-hearted, boytrap, babydoll, but you're – you're so damn hot…" Exactly that sense of I Hate You/I Love You Too.

Must Have Done Something Right (Relient K) – These words could have been written by Rick Cassl himself. I see this as exactly the way he feels; it's his paean to Bekt. "If anyone could make me a better person, you could - all I gotta say is I must've done something good..." It's adorable and loving and just wonderful. Just listen. You'll love it.

She Is (The Fray) – "She is everything I want that I never knew I needed." Again. It's like Cassl wrote it.

She's So High (Tal Bachman) – Oh, yes. This is Cassl's attitude towards Bekt as he gets to know her and realize just how dazzling she is in every way. And really, Tal Bachman's whole album is worth listening to.

I Wanna (All-American Rejects) – Not only the phrase "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you," but of course, "our love's the perfect crime." And it's so adorably sweet.

I'm a Believer (Smash Mouth) – This isn't originally their song, but I love their cover. "I'm in love – I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried." Yep. That's our Cassl.

Oah (Alexander Rybak) – I was going to quote part of the lyrics to demonstrate, but then I realized I'd basically quote the entire thing. So all I'll say is "Never mind what your girlfriends say, deep inside I'm quite okay - I may have fooled around once or twice
but I really need you; and it's not like I'm the only guy, oh, I know how you make them cry..." This song is adorbs. I can kind of see Cassl trying to sing it to her.

I Would Walk 500 Miles (Proclaimers) – Not only do I think this accurately expresses the kind of boyfriend Cassl is going to be when he and Bekt finally start doing the nasty, I also think he has probably belted out this song during karaoke nights. Complete with a horrifically bad accent. I do it too.

Hey Juliet (LMNT) – The cuter side of their relationship. "I think – you're fine – you really blow my mind – ", and "'Cause I know you really want me; I hear your friends talk about me – So why you tryin' to do without me, when you got me where you want me?" That's Cassl, through and through.

I've Got You Under My Skin (Sinatra) – Um. It's a classic. Needs no other explanation.

True To Your Heart (98 Degrees/Stevie Wonder) – So……..OK, yes, fine, I love Mulan. But this song is all about being true to your heart. And not being afraid to let go. And "when you're true to your heart, you know it's gonna lead you straight to me." i should point out, the vid is worth watching just to giggle hystericaly over Nick Lachey.

Glad To Be Unhappy (Richard Rodgers) – Apart from the composer's name (heeeeeee), I do see this as Cassl's attitude: "fools rush in, so here I am, very glad to be unhappy…unrequited love's a bore, and I've got it pretty bad; but for someone you adore, it's a pleasure to be sad." Sinatra also sang this one, but this cover by John Mayer and Chris Botti is just yummy. Wistful and longing and so very, very loving.

SPECIAL SECTION: TAYLOR SWIFT

Now, Taylor Swift takes some explanation. Bear in mind, I like Taylor Swift. I do. Her music is steadily getting more creative as she gets older and matures. Her work resonates with a lot of people. And if you'll recall, Princess Lex likes Taylor Swift.

Yes, Taylor's music touches on a few of the same themes often. But they're accurate, and that's why it's popular. And be honest: we've all been this girl, the girl desperately in love with a guy who might not see us ("You Belong With Me"). We all know that giddy, breathless rush of excitement on first meeting someone special, tempered by the quiet fear of maybe-it-won't-work ("Enchanted"). We all all understand the inexplicable attraction to someone who's probably not what we think he should be ("Sparks Fly"). We've felt that overwhelming sense of fate, knowing it might be a mess but loving him for being kind ("Mine"). And we all know what it's like to be so overwhelmed with feelings of fear and failure that you can barely move ("Innocent").

And these songs all, all, fit Castle and Beckett. Taylor's lyrics ring true for Beckett's situation. In "Sparks Fly:" "My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea." In "Mine:" "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter; you are the best thing that's ever been mine." "Innocent" is a painful look at Beckett's tragic past: "It's all right, just wait and see, your string of lights is still bright to me; who you are is not where you're been…" and particularly accurate, "thirty-two is still growing up." It's such a good reminder that our darling girl Bekt, who is strong and brave and loving and amazing and extraordinary, is still vulnerable. She still needs other people. We all have a scared teenager inside us somewhere. So does Bekt.

BEKT

Stupid Cupid (Mandy Moore) – We focus so much on Cassl – to be fair, he's already said I love you – but let's remember, Bekt's in love too. And I think it drives her nuts, because it's the one guy who is so utterly wrong for her that there's no one in the world who's more right. "Stupid Cupid, you're a real mean guy…"

You Drive Me Crazy (Britney Spears) – Haha, yes, there's Britney on here. This song (to be fair, the movie is hilarious too) just about nails it. "Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night." It's You Drive Me Crazy, But OH Do I Want You.

I Won't Say I'm In Love (Disney's "Hercules") – Oh, sweet Bekt. Our girl tries so hard to deny it. But alas. The denial, she is not just an Egyptian river. She is Bekt's modus operandi. Besides. Lanie and the sweet Bros are the gospel muses. Boom. Done and done.

Sweet-Talkin' Guy (Chiffons) – Well, yeah. So basically this is Rick Cassl's middle name.

Hot (Avril Lavigne) – I particularly like the way this song captures that heady flush of attraction. The sort of fluttery feeling is so well expressed in the shift from the verses to the refrain. "You make me so hot…I can hardly breathe – you're so fabulous – you're so good to me." It echoes (what I assume is) Bekt's inner monologue so very well.

Big Bad Handsome Man (Imelda May) – Bekt cannot deny it. Rick Cassl IS a big, bad handsome man. He's the "devil divine." Yes.

Candyman (Christina Aguilera) – Really, really, for real. Cassl is the candyman, and it will do no good to argue here. "He's a sweet-talkin', sugar-coated candyman." Bad boy of bestsellers, remember?

Je ne t'aime pas (Kurt Weill) – This one. Oh. I just recently heard it at a recital, and it's such a painfully sweet cabaret song that just guh. She keeps insisting I don't love you, I don't, but all the while, even she knows it's not true. And seeing as Stana Katic A.) has a lovely, smoky, lounge-y voice and B.) speaks French, I would LOVE to hear her sing this. It also exists in German (as Wie lange noch), though I think I like the French version better (text/translation found here).

How Long Has This Been Going On? (George Gershwin) – Mmmmm. I do love my Gershwin. And this song reflects that sense of accidentally falling in love with someone completely unexpected. "There were chills up my spine, and some thrills I can't define," and of course, "Kiss me once, then once more – what a dunce I was before…" This one got popular on Kristin Chenoweth's album Let Yourself Go, but this cover is by Judy Butterfield. Also wonderful.

DRAMA

If You Could Read My Mind (Gordon Lightfoot) – This might be a little bit of a reach, but I think of this as the song of that last summer apart. I hear it as the perfect soundtrack while Cassl sits on the beach with a hole in his heart and Kate sits in the woods with a bullet hole in hers and they silently miss each other so badly they can hardly breathe. "I never thought I could act this way, and I've got to say that I just don't get it; I don't know where we went wrong, but the feeling's gone, and I just can't get it back." So sweet and sad. I love this song.

Someone To Save You (OneRepublic) – Bekt's trying so hard to hold herself together, but the one thing that can really destroy her is this gaping personal tragedy, this hole in her heart. And Cassl, bless him, is that someone who can save her.

Fix You (Coldplay) – Cassl would do anything in the world for her. Anything. He just wants to make it all better. He just wants to fix it.

En fermant les yeux (des Grieux's act 2 aria, Manon, Massenet) – Had to be true to my (classical) musical roots, yo. This one is a more mature Cassl. I think it reflects the way he feels about this ongoing pain of her mother's murder: he loves Kate with all his heart, and he would take her away and protect her from all of this, and give her everything in the world. With her's it's perfect. Without her, it's nothing. All she has to do is say she wants it. Text/translation found here. Video bonus: Rolando Villazon looks kind of like Mr. Bean. I do not lie.

Somewhere Only We Know (Keane) – He wants to protect her. Because she doesn't deserve the hand she was dealt.

Somewhere (West Side Story, Leonard Bernstein) – Like I said, Bekt was thrown into this fight she never wanted. And now she's in it for life. And I think this song depicts so well that sense that she and Cassl have been caught in something huge that's working so hard against them.

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:17388 Season 3 Ep. 7, Almost Famous 2012-01-16T19:46:31Z 2012-01-16T19:56:43Z Take It Off, Ke$ha
Anytime you get Cassl and Bekt in a strip club, you just know it's going to be a good day.

Season 3 Episode 7, Almost Famous

Opening spiel. Important things to take from it: Rick Cassl writes stuff. He is adorbs. He has Teh Hots for Kate Bekt.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

We open with night in Manhattan – shocker – and kind of badass music, actually. Cool. Apartment building. Noisy. Young uniformed cop walking slowly down the hallway. Knocks on a door. Says he's got an arrest warrant. It gets quiet. Creepy. Actually, now that I look, he's got kind of that old-school, tipped-hat, Bing Crosby look about him. Huh.

But I digress. Young Cop gets yanked inside and the door shuts behind him.

And now let us away, 'ere break of day, to find…Casslhaus. Martha is leading sweet Princess Lex in shout-y vocal warmups with, like, yoga or something. Sigh. How nice. By the way, the shouting with H's in front of vowels is meant to engage the diaphragm, thus strengthening the voice without straining the delicate vocal folds. If you were curious. In shuffles a sleep-tousled Cassl, who is not happy because it's 5 AM and he left a very frisky Bekt lying naked in his bed to come out here and see WTF is going on. On the bright side, I really, really want to run my hands through his hair right now. He sighs. "I had a dream. I was floating on a lilypad, and the Swedish bikini team was reciting positive reviews of Naked Heat." He grins kind of creepily, but it's him and he's adorable, so I'll let it pass.

His dream got shattered when Lex was foolish enough to tell Queen Martha that she's auditioning for Grease at school, so now Broadway Martha has decided to go batshit crazy and make the girl get up at 5. To yell neutral vowels. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

[On the other hand, when I failed to practice piano in high school, my mom sometimes dragged me out of bed the next morning at 5 to practice till 6. But that was my fault, so I can't really gripe too much about it.]

Casslphone rings as he gets a hug from Sleepy Princess. "Cassl." Pause; my guess is Bekt says something dirty. "No! No, no, don't be silly. Of course I was up."

'I was up…' Um…yeah, I think that could be dirty.

Obviously, my doves, THERE HATH BEEN A MURDER.

We zip to the crime scene to find everyone very hurryish and brisk, and can I just say Bekt's outfit is amazing? I mean, the coat. Yes. But the shirt! Our girl is rocking an asymmetrical neckline right now. Because she can. She gets ALL THE AWARDS.

Lanie joins them, and everyone's on edge because it's an officer down. Young Cop. Shot in the chest. Bekt takes a closer look. Really young guy. Old-fashioned badge, though. Fake gun. Filled with tequila. Cassl tastes. "Cheap tequila." He takes a few experimental squirts, and right on cue, our girl shoots him a glare and takes away the toy. And then whacks him on the nose with a newspaper. Well…she would if she had one.

A hundred points to Hufflepuff: Lanie's the one who figures out his pants are breakaway. He's a stripper.

This show loves me. It fucking loves me.

Bekt digs through Stripper's pocket, and Cassl shields his eyes from the horrid sight of Bekt with her hands inside another man's pants. Bekt finds his car keys, presses unlock, and sure enough, there's a chirp. More importantly, though, there is eyefucking. I do not lie. As the car chirps, Bekt and Cassl simultaneously look towards it, and then share a sexy little morning eyefuck of Mmmm, A Clue before they go to check it out.

Aaaaaand car. Cassl pouts just a little. "Of all the cases in the city – and it's a big city – you catch male stripper." "Yeah, well, luck of the draw, I guess." Yep. Jealous Puppy.

Jealous ADD Puppy darts to the car. "Shotgun."

BektLook of I Am Pretending Not To Be Amused By You, But Everyone Knows It's Fake Because Last Night We Did Naughty Things Up Against My Kitchen Counter. "Cassl, you're the only one here."

He has the good grace to look awkward. "Yes."

AND to show you how much she loves him, she just shakes her head with this little smile of Fuck All, I Love My Big Sexy Manchild. So they hop into the car – naturally, Bekt takes the driver's side – and to my great sorrow, they do not immediately commence steaming up the windows and I do not know why. The car's pretty messy, but they find Stripper's ID and an address scribbled on the back of a bank receipt. Address. Let's go there.

So they do. Bekt – in sexy black gloves, which I cite as evidence that she gets naughty with Cassl on a regular basis – knocks on the apartment door we saw Stripper at, and it's answered by a bleary-eyed, really hungover Asian girl with a pink sleep mask who blinks owlishly. "Still sleeping. Go away." List that under things Cassl has never said when Bekt slips into his bed at midnight.

She tries to shut the door, but Bekt badges her way in, Cassl tagging along, and they find the remains of what looks like a wild bachelorette party (UK folk, that's what we Americans call 'hen parties'). Feather boas, crime scene tape, slutty women draped unconscious on furniture, one of them snuggled with a sex doll…yikes.

Cassl takes it all in. "Wow! Wow – wow." Huh. Puppy, being a man, hasn't seen a bachelorette party, it seems. Though my guess is he has seen some wild shit in his day. "That – eh – whoa." Bekt pulls aside a streamer, and gapes in the same direction he does. Puppy tilts his head. "They makes cakes in that shape?"

HA. Yes, Puppy. There are phallic baked goods. Just accept it.

One of the Sleepy Sluts jerks awake, accidentally spraying the can of silly string she's holding. And she's clearly either hungover or still drunk. She looks up at Cassl. "Another stripper?" (To be fair, the man is looking utterly delicious.)

Slut #2 drops the sex doll and tries to stand. "Take it off! Whooo! Take it off, take it – owww – "

She staggers back down to the couch, her liver begging for mercy, and Cassl raises his hands to placate them. "Ladies, I am not a stripper. Though I can understand how you'd make that mistake."

Bekt does the Lip Press Of Displeasure Due To Sluts Trying To Feel Up Puppy:

But she gets down to business. "NYPD. The ones with the real guns." She asks all the Sleepy Sluts about 'Officer McNaughty,' and oh fuck me, you cannot be serious.

Back at the 12th with all the Hungover H0rs, the Bros are stuck watching Leopard Print urp into a trash can while Asian and Bride-to-be talk to Bekt. Cassl has the gall to bring them coffee. But not Bekt. Dangerous move, CasslPuppy. And Bekt has even swapped the Red Coat Of Sex for a military jacket that I LOVE and ADORE. Asian got the stripper, because "Jamie's always had a thing for cops." Cassl lights up. "It might interest you to know – I'm an assistant volunteer homicide detective myself."

The brde-to-be giggles, and Cassl looks pleased with himself until he discovers that Bekt has fixed him with a Glare Of STOP Flirting Or I Will Not Let You Peel This Jacket Off Me. Ever.

Hungover Asian says she just hired Stripper from a website. They didn't know him. He just came over, spiced up the party, and left. Happily, there are lots of pictures. Back at Ryan's desk, Asian and our Sexy Cops and Cassl all look through them. Yep. It was a wild night. They scroll through, and my sweet Irish starts to get the Urp look on his face, yet oddly, I still find it adorable. And I can't help but notice that al these drunk whores keep making fish-lips at the camera. Why do women do that? It doesn't make our cheekbones look better. It just looks dumb. Sigh. Notice how our girl Bekt never has to make a fish-lips pout, yet Cassl still gets naked at her slightest suggestion. So there. QED, my naughty little doves.

Bekt notices a bridesmaid in the photos who wasn't at the apartment this morning. In the photo, Bridesmaid looks like she's arguing with Stripper. Hmm...

I'd spend time on this, but it's a red herring. Bridesmaid was Stripper's ex, and they had a rocky past, but she didn't do it, so let's just skip ahead. If you are yelling WHAT, Soxie, I Need Plot! – then I do not know how you stumbled onto this page in the first place.

Outside Interrogation, Papagomery, Bekt and Cassl pow-wow with the Bros. Stripper was also a struggling actor. Who really, really sucked. Did a commercial, an ep of America's Most Wanted, etc. He seriously sucks. Makes David Caruso look subtle and nuanced. And I do not use such harsh criticism lightly.

Bekt sends the Bros to his stripper agency to see if he had any regular gigs, problems, etc.

She and Cassl trot over to Lanie's World Of Dead Folk, where Cassl peers into Stripper's face carefully. "He's not that handsome. You want my opinion, three hundred bucks an hour – a little steep." Keep that in mind, Bekt. Cassl's clothes you can take off for free.

Lanie, though… "As the person in this room that's seen everything under the sheet? Bargain." Oh. Yowza.

Bekt's eyes actually make a brief detour towards StripperGroin, but the point is somewhat moot since he's dead anyway, and besides, she's got Cassl's naked body as her personal wonderland, so she goes for Plot instead. BORING.

Stripper's hair was recently dyed grey with temporary hair dye. And she found a long blonde hair on Stripper's clothing…hmm…Bekt thinks maybe it's from one of the Sluts…

But Lanie's all Nope. "Came back positive for testosterone and anabolic steroids." Oh. Oh my. "Your blondie is a man."

OPENING CREDITS OF LOVE AND SEXY.

Sky shot of Sexytime Manhattan. Enter Les Bros to the Office Of Naked Men, where the manager is on the phone. He sees Two Sexy Bros walk in and assume they're here to audition. He dismisses poor Espo – "I'm already up to my ears in A-Rods – " but eyes Sweet Innocent Irish – "I got women requesting that skinny Twilight dude like crazy." THAT IS NOT COOL. But then Manager tosses Irish a shiny red thong, and oh, just fuck my life, this is really happening. "They're one size fits all. We can pad if need be. Bathroom's down the hall if you're shy." RAWR.

Espo does the badgeflash; Manager apologizes, and Ryan drops the thong. "I can assure you, this would fit." "That's what they all say." HA.

Ryan wipes his hands on his coat while they pursue Plot. Manager says Stripper also danced at a cub called The Package Store, which just makes me so very happy. Maybe that's where Long Blonde Hair is.

Uncomfortable!Irish thanks Manager for his time and the Bros are about to leave, so Manager makes one last try. "Hey, if you change your mind – I'll provide fangs and some hair gel." Poor Sweet Irish. He gapes for a few seconds and finally just decides Oh, Fuck All, Let's Just Get Out Of Here.

Back at the station, the Bros show Bekt the website for The Package Store, which I really just can't handle. They still don't see anyone with long blonde hair, so Bekt decides some serious detective-ing is required: "Well, there's one surefire way to find out." Have Sex With Cassl what? Oh, sorry, my bad. Just assumed. But Bekt does stand up and call for her naughty little Puppy. "Oh Cassl…"

Oh. Maybe it is Have Sex With Cassl this time! I figure if I keep saying it often enough, it'l happen.

AND THEN WE GO TO THE PACKAGE STORE. I THANK YOU GOD FOR MOST THIS AMAZING DAY.

A whining Cassl follows his ladylove into the club, and I am sorry, but what she's wearing right now? Black lace. Sexy black lace. She's wearing a fucking nightgown. I.e., a nightgown for fucking. Basically it looks like she dragged Cassl into a lingerie store and said OK, Pick Out A Negligée For Me And I'll Let You Rip It Off Me Later. But then she draped a cardigan over it to keep him from just outright grabbing her boobs in front of everyone. Still. How am I supposed to interpret that outfit as anything other than pure sexy?

Cassl, though, wants to complain. "I can't believe you got dressed up for this." She even tousled up the hairporn, my doves. This is Serious Sexy. "Tell me again why Ryan and Esposito couldn't come with you?" "We all agreed as volunteer assistant homicide detective, you could really sink your teeth into this avenue of investigation. (rawrrrrrrrrrrr) And they called Not It."

Cassl pouts but follows her anyway. "You know, ever since I've been following you I've been dreaming of the day that you'd say 'Let's go to the strip club and get this dirtbag.' I just never imagined it would feel like this."

She grins. "Let me know if you need any singles." Slaps him on the arm. I'm going to call it sexy. Try to stop me.

They thread their way through the mobs of women shrieking at the cowboy dancing onstage. He tears off his vest and tosses it, and well fuck a duck, why doncha, Cassl catches it. And he is immediately mobbed by women who start stuffing money into his shirt. And it makes me SO FUCKING HAPPY and I just CANNOT EVEN, because yes, I would have been at the front of that crowd. Even Bekt looks half amused, half irritated as she mouths what the -  and drags him by the arm.

Meanwhile, back at the precinct, in the Break Room Of Awesome, Ryan makes coffee in a bro-tastic way and waxes poetic over the sadness of Stripper coming to town to follow his dreams and getting, you know, deadified. And Espo strips off his sweater (he can do that any day. ANY DAY. Just sayin'.) and starts doing those inverted pushup things with the chair. Ryan is all WTF, Bro. But Espo is NOT AMUSED. "'Up to his ears in A-Rods?' I got an A-Rod for that son of a bitch. Three years varsity ball. Two years Special Forces triathlon. And NYPD police calendar 2007. What."

"It was a group photo." Irish was March. Dressed as the Easter Bunny.

Espo BroGlare. "I got letters."

"Yeah, three. Two of 'em from your mom."

"One of 'em was from my mom."

"Sure." Irish has the Sweet Irish Face Of Innocence. Espo gives him more BroGlare and grabs his (probably girly) coffee and sweater and huffs off. "Twilight, my ass." WORD.

Since I have just had a small seizure of BroSnark Love, let's go back to the strip club, shall we? Bekt, holding drinks that sadly don't look alcoholic, returns to their table to find her errant Puppy being surrounded, and pawed, by very excited women. No, I was not one of them. Yes, I would have been if I'd found a way. "Cassl?"

He looks up, all Oh Shit, I'm In Trouble. "Hey!...Honey!...Oh, you found me. I was just telling Denise here about you." Uh huh. BektGape of WTF Is Happening In My Life Right Now?

Cassl continues, but his harem starts to drift. "This is, uh, my girlfriend, whose idea it was to come here tonight. She's very adventurous, you have no idea – " but the ladies are leaving.

Bekt takes her rightful place beside him and he gulps in relief. "Thank God you found me. Oh my God, these women are like pirahnas." Yeah we are, WriterMan. Bekt is not fooled into thinking he doesn't like it, and she dishes out the full, 100% BektEyeRoll for the occasion.

But she's actually still paying attention to Plot, which is more than I'm doing right now. "So listen. I just talked to one of the bartenders – " my guess is all she had to do was lean forward a little and let the negligée do the talking – but anyway, Long Blonde Hair is named Hans and he dances here and had trouble with Dead Stripper.

Cassl's all Let's Go Backstage And Talk To Him! "No need to, honey." And yes, that is Bekt making fun of his quickness to leap to the We're So Totally Fucking Each Other story for undercover work. "He's in the next act." So she's punishing Cassl for letting Other Women grope him by forcing him to sit through an act at a male strip club…

…yep, I think that's fair.

Especially because the next act is firemen. Sexy firemen. Sexy firemen dancing to "Hot In Herre."

THIS SHOW FUCKING LOVES ME.

Cassl tries to laugh it off. "Firemen? Really? It's not a little cliché?" Bekt doesn't answer him, just half-smiles, pressing her tongue to her front teeth because, um, no. It's kind of awesome.

HELL YEAH they start stripping off their coats, and OMFG. Just OMFG. Pelvic thrusting. Come hither looks. Drink it in, bachelorette parties.

CasslScared. "Oh, God." Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuck, I am, like, crying I'm laughing so hard. And Bekt's laughing too, mostly because Cassl looks like he's about to urp.

"Haven't these guys got the memo about the correlation between suntanning and skin cancer?"

"Can you just relax, Cassl?" Enjoy the oily semi-naked men. "We gotta figure out which one is Hans." Oh, right, and Plot too.

Handily, one of them whips off his firemen's helmet just then and shakes out long blonde Fabio hair. OK. Convenient.

She hates to break up the Hot In Herre, but Bekt is the Hottest In Herre, so she struts up the stage and tries to BektBadge Hans into submission. He doesn't seem to get it, just keeps dancing up on her, and Cassl is NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT, so he grabs a fire extinguisher and whooshes Hans with the fire extinguishment of GET YOUR PELVIS OFF MY (FAKE) GIRLFRIEND, YOU MANWHORE.

Commercial break, during which Cassl (probably) became the Package Store's newest dancer. Hey. A girl can dream, right?

We return to the dressing room backstage, where we discover that Hans A. is a little bit of a girlyman and B. has the WORST FUCKING GERMAN ACCENT EVER. EVER. He didn't like Dead Stripper, whom he calls "a little bitch. Do you know how many hours he spent rehearsing out 'Privates of the Caribbean' routine? [OMFG. JUST WHY.] Zero." Aw. Schade, Hans. "Hans von Manschaft is the one doing the real work out there every night." FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Cassl cannot believe this. "Hans von Manschaft? That's a hell of a stage name." He just giggles. Because seriously. Seriously.

"I'll have you know, I come from a long line of proud von Manschafts." Hans. Please. Just stop before I die. Cassl just bites his lips because, like me, he just cannot. Cannot even.

Bekt, fearless, goes for Plot in spite of all my strongest objections. Hans gets freaked out when she says the word 'murder' and completely drops Das Shitty Akzent. Says the hair got on Stripper's cop outfit because the club stores all the costumes together. And he alibis out because he was onstage with women stuffing money in his manpanties. So we cannot say Yes, dice. We must say No, dice.

OH FUCK. HANS IS WEARING UGGS. I AM NOT LYING, GO BACK AND WATCH THIS SCENE. HE IS WEARING FUCKING UGGS.

Hans tells them Stripper had a wealthy older girlfriend who used to send him flowers every night, but then last week, the flowers stopped coming… and then he puts Das Shitty Akzent back on and tries the Stripper Pout Of Put Money In My ManPanties at Bekt. He actually tries it. Cassl and Bekt share a quick Eyefuck Of I Think I Need A Shower. In Bleach. And Then Maybe We'll Have Sex.

Back to the precinct, and I'm a little surprised all the male cops in NY aren't trailing after Bekt because she is STRAIGHTUP WEARING LINGERIE, PEOPLE. I'm relatively sure she and Cassl had a quick round of slap and tickle in the car on the way back. I have no proof. I don't care. It happened.

My Loving Bros are here to make me happy. And, you know, for Plot too. "What's up, you run out of singles?" No, Espo, Bekt put them all in Cassl's pants and then – oh, never mind, you know where I'm going with this.

Irish says yep, some flower shop confirmed the Cougar Bouquets thing. And is it just me, or is this one of the first times we've seen Bekt in earrings? I don't remember seeing her wear them before. Huh.

Cassl decides to be helpful. "I told you if we beat on Manschaft, something would pop." OMFG. OMFG. HE JUST SAID THAT. HE DID. Like me, Bekt is dirty-minded enough that she doesn't miss it, just shoots Cassl a glare of STOP Making Sex Jokes When I Can't Actually DO Anything About It.

Plot stuff to catch up on: flowers were ordered by a very wealthy 48-year-old widow and former model. Cassl gets intrigued, uses that soft, sexy, suggestive bedroom/storytelling voice (rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) to spin a possible tale of the finally-free widow who finds love with a younger man, but it gets taken away, and I'm sorry, but the fact that he is using his bedroom voice on a Bekt who is already wearing exactly what she's going to be wearing in his bedroom later tonight…the 12th is unusually sexy today, friends. I vote for The Sex. Now.

"…if she couldn't have him…well then…no one could."

Tobias Bluth Cassl finishes his scene and Irish pipes up. "Did you go home and watch Sunset Boulevard before your little trip to the Package Store?" TWENTY POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF.

"Thank you for your always-entertaining stories, but - " and I'm all, Right, Bekt. Go ahead and pretend Cassl wasn't seducing you with his Sex Voice. We all know the truth. She says they'll just, you know, interview her tomorrow morning. And then she and Cassl walk away together, and I'm sorry, what more proof do I need that they're headed back to his place to go do a little 'brainstorming' on the desk in his office? Seriously. Don't fight me on this one. You won't win.

Sadly, Cassl walks into his loft alone (OK, maybe they did The Sex back at Bekt's place) and discovers CasslLadies drinking root beer floats, Lex in costume, to prepare her for the callbacks, because she's on the short list to be Sandy! Good job, Princess Lex. Three cheers. Unfortunately, Martha has decided to also be in costume, which consists of pants so tight they should be illegal. Yikes.

Lex trots off to bed and Cassl tells Martha, "You're a very good influence on Aexis." SWEET. Martha immediately starts checking to see if he's feverish or delerious. Har. "You have always been dedicated. That can't have been easy."

So sweet. And a struggling actress/single mom? Had to be tough. Martha counts through crappy gigs she took to pay the bills, including secretary. Lord A'mighty. That would be funny to see. Martha a secretary? Yes.

Morning. Bekt slips out of Cassl's room long before the sun is up. We head to Widow's place. It's nice. Bekt and Puppy exit the elevator (in which they were feverishly groping eachother) and Cassl decides to be Cassl. "Oh, I'm sure many a pretty boy have [sic] walked this hall." Including yourself, sir. He waxes eloquent for a few seconds before Mildly Amused Bekt cuts in. "Maybe we should talk with her before you start writing the Lifetime movie." Or maybe you two should just go make out. That too.

They're greeted at the door by Widow's attorney. They interview Widow. She has lots of orchids in her place, and I like them. Widow liked Stripper. He was honest about his pants-dropping jobs, and it didn't bother her. Widow broke up with him because he asked to borrow $25,000. SRSLY. She didn't want to be used. Which is fair. That's a lot of money to stuff in manpanties, yo. Widow had Attorney Bob hire a PI, who got a photo of Stripper arguing with a young woman. Ruh roh.

Back at the precinct, my sweet and smart Irish pulls out the photos. Stripper arguing with girl. PI followed girl and she's in a biker gang. MY BEKT GETS THE CONNECTION. She has Irish pull up Stripper's (shitty) acting reel, and yep, the biker gang leader is a guy Stripper portrayed (shittily) on America's Most Wanted. Ha. It's Bob Grim, leader of the Visigoths motorcycle gang. Wanted for extortion, assault, and deliberate crimes against the Roman empire. Was caught because of tht shitty performance by Stripper. And whaddaya know, Bob's out of jail. Bekt's all Hmm, Was BikerChick Setting Stripper Up For MURDER?

Dramatic drumbeats to commercials.

BIKERLAND. CasslPuppy gets scared and darts over to hide behind Bekt's petticoats as a bulldog snarls at him. To be fair, remember, he did get attacked by a dog that one time he got cursed by a mummy. It's just so sweet that he instinctively runs to Bekt for protection. She badges her way into the shop, Cassl tagging along behind her, still scared and kind of twitchy.

Bob Grim (IT IS THE GRIM!) says yeah, he was ticked. But Stripper came to him, paid him $25,000, and Bob was all, Well, OK Then. Never Mind. Bekt's skeptical, but he insists. Tis true. BikerChick walks over, and when Bekt's all, Hey BikerChick, Why Were YOU Talking To Stripper? and shows the photo and Grim is all WTF?, BikerChick confesses that she was scared Grim would kill Stripper and go back to prison, so shewarned Stripper, told him to pay off Grim. "I couldn't stand the thought of losing you again. The only way you're going back to jail is over my dead body."

Grim and his mustache look very unhappy…until he grabs BikerChick and growls, "Pookiebear, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard, Baby." She climbs up on him and they start necking in front of Cassl and Bekt, who look tremendously uncomfortable, because it is only OK when they do it and they're usually more discreet about it. And then Bob slaps BikerChick's ass and I just GAH. NNNGH. I only want to see Bekt and Cassl doing that. No one else.

Let's just walk away from that one.

Back to the 12th with us, then. Irish says Grim's alibi checks out. Bekt points out that a stripper wouldn't have $25,000 on hand. Then Cassl figures out that Stripper's bank account was with a different bank than the bank receipt we found in his car way back at the beginning of the episode – remember that? – and AHA, THERE IS MORE PLOT.

Sure enough, Irish comes running back to Big Sister to report that yep, $25,000 was withdrawn by Bob Mandelay the day Stripper paid Grim. OK, Bob Mandelay. Let's find you. And surveillance footage…reveals that STRIPPER WAS MANDELAY. Dyed his hair grey (remember how Lanie told us that?) and was looking all distinguished. Hmm.

Thoughtful commercials of WTF?

And back again, just in time to see Bekt slam down her desk phone, and srsly, Bekt, what did that phone ever do to you? Hmph. Stripper Mandelay took money from an account called Sunfire. Which is pretty much untraceable.

I'm getting tired and this recap is getting long, so I'm streamlining here. Stripper was playing the role of Mandelay to convince investors to put money into Sunfire. Bekt's all, Let's Trace Le Money. Which leads us to interview a Jersey Shore Oompa Loompa. I do not lie, that girl's skin is fucking orange leather. She says Mandelay convinced her and her friends to invest $10,000 each in riverfront ofts in Hoboken. Bekt and Cassl do a sort of Quick Eyefuck Of Sigh, She Is Stupid As Shit.

Bekt and Cassl head over the the Braverman Lofts, the ones Mandelay was talking about, and SHIT SON. The showroom is GORGEOUS. Cassl goes WHOA. "400,000 for one of these? I'll take two." Yes. As soon as he tests out that bed over there. With Bekt. And maybe some privacy.

They talk to the guy who owns the place, who gripes that Mandelay was running a scam, trying to sell these lofts for cheap, and he's SICK of it. Huh. There is a pause, and then Bekt shifts on her feet a little. "Do you have any brochures? I'm looking for a place. Mine blew up." Developer Bob gives her a look of No – Wait – Seriously? – Well, You're Really Hot, So OK Then.

Um…it was 2x17 her place blew up. This is 3x7. You're really telling me she still hasn't found a place? Huh.

On their way out, Bekt and Cassl do the Finishing Each Other's Sentences Verbal Sex thing to figure out that Stripper wasn't getting the money here. His partner was; Stripper was hired as the face of Sunfire because of his looks and charm. Then when Stripper needed money, he took it from this scam and then decided he wanted to pull out of the deal.

Whew. Cigarette, anyone?

BektPhone interrupts them mid-coitus. It reports to BektEar that the original papers for the Sunfire account were signed by WIDOW. Cassl JawDrop. "Shut the front door!"

Oh commercials of love, how I love thee.

Back to Plot, yo. Bekt shows Papagomery what they've got. Irish scampers in with more Plot, but it's mostly that vest he's wearing that brings me all the joy, ever. Really. I love you, Irish with your Sweet Irish Vests.

Getting bored now because it's mostly plot. The final verdict? The killer is actually Attorney Bob. He embezzled money from Widow and set up the whole scam. When Stripper pulled out of the game, he shot him because Stripper knew too much. Boom. Done.

Case over. Casslhaus, eventide. Martha and Cassl chatting and cooking. In comes Lex. She didn't get the part of Sandy; now she's stage manager. Nicely done. Now she has TRUE POWER and can RUIN THOSE LITTLE PEONS' LIVES if she wants too. Mwahahaha.

Wow, sorry, that was kind of evil.

And we finish with Papa Cassl and Princess Cassl feeding the bird and fuck ALL, this family is adorable.

THE END.

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:16928 Till Death Do Us Part: aka, Don Giovanni 2012-01-10T16:54:52Z 2012-01-12T14:16:48Z Madamina, il catalogo e questo Obviously, loved it.

But I laughed so hard. For one thing, Bolero? Really? It's sort of a joke among musicians. Strings players hate it because their parts are so boring. Snare players love and hate it because their arms cramp up. Playing the exact same rhythm for fifteen minutes, perfectly, is exhausting. I played celesta for it once, and I was near the snare player, and he was sweating.

In musicology circles, though, it's generally accepted that Bolero (written by Maurice Ravel) is really, really sexual. Without getting overly explicit, it's a steady rising crescendo for like 13 minutes, a huge explosive burst, and then ends with a bang. Those trombone slides are just raunchy. By the time you hit the huge dazzling key change, you feel like you're buzzing with tension, though you're not sure why. It ends with a huge wash of sound, releasing the tension. And you feel like you want a cigarette. So yeah. Roommate and I both laughed at that. (Listen to it here, conducted by the amazing Daniel Barenboim.)

But the episode itself WAS Don Giovanni. In the broadest sense, the idea of the lothario is spot-on, with his two Leporello-like wingmen. And that Israeli flight attendant? - the crazed ex who's desperate to find him? - yeah, that's Donna Elvira.

The most beautiful thing was the book. His little sex book? Yeah. That doesn't just exist in the opera. It gets a whole damn aria. It's commonly called "The Catalog Aria," though its proper title is Madamina, il catologo e questo, I think. It is absolutely hilarious. And in it, Leporello patiently explains to Donna Elvira that he has this book, in which he keeps track of how many women Giovanni sleeps with in each country, how he likes all kinds of women, what he says to get them into bed. At the end, he finally just says Purche porti la gonella, voi sapete quel che fa: basically, that translates to If it wears a skirt...you know what he does to it.

See the lovely Luca Pisaroni performing it here. Subtitles are in French. The words are very funny; here's the English text if you want to read along.

Yep. Aside from the cute and the tease, this episode gets an A+ for (possibly unintentional) opera references.

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:16822 Countdown to International Walk Like Beckett Day!! 2012-01-06T17:45:20Z 2012-01-06T17:45:20Z I'm Sexy And I Know It GET EXCITED! On Monday, we legions of Bektfans will take to the streets of [insert name of city] in a whirl of style, beauty and effortless awesomeness.

Spread the word, yo. Tweet it, esp. to Luke Reichle, the show's costume designer (let's see if he'll retweet it!). Facebook it. Tumblr it. Dreamwidth it. Send carrier pigeons. Homing doves. Skywrite it. You get the picture.

Our tumblr page, which includes info and clothing ideas: http://walklikebeckett.tumblr.com/

My LJ page with the official info: http://soxie-whittaker.livejournal.com/15873.html

Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of fashion!

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:16402 Today's Poll: BektInk 2012-01-06T01:24:50Z 2012-01-06T01:24:50Z Serenada Schizophrana, Danny Elfman Today's poll question I think we've all wondered about.

Where do you think Bekt's fabled tattoo is?

Remember, we know it's not on any of her that Cassl's seen thus far. So it's not on her back (the bathtub when her apartment blew up), her legs (Russian Hooker Bekt), her arms or shoulders, etc.

Seriously. Where is it? I have a guess, but I want to know what you think.

View Poll: Bekt's Tattoo

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:16251 Season 1 Ep. 2, Nanny McDead 2011-12-27T00:46:20Z 2011-12-27T00:46:20Z Las Ketchup
This marked the first case in which Cassl and Bekt were officially partners. And yeah. The rest is history.

Episode 1x02, Nanny McDead

Ah, flying shot of Manhattan. So lovely. So picturesque. We see an unattended cell phone ringing. And, um, a body spinning around in a dryer. Uff da. Imma guess that load will have to be re-washed.

But first, the important part: Cassl and Bekt. Who, I might point out, are currently wearing shirts that kind of match today. It's adorable.

We're at the 12th now, watching the police legal rep droning on, telling Cassl No Matter How Much Bad Shit Happens To You, You Cannot Sue Our Asses. I Mean It. An unhappy Bekt watches. Observe the look she's giving CasslPuppy:

This look can be loosely translated as I Am Going To Shoot You In The Face If You Do Not Stop Stalking Me And Calling It Research.

 Legal Bob is generally oblivious to the crackling sexual tension of hatred, and continues his droning. "If you get killed – "

"- my lifeless remains cannot sue the city?"

"Your heirs, Mr. Cassl."

Bekt has entirely lost patience with this entire proceeding, because though Puppy is hot and sporting the Scruff Of Yum, she's not yet adjusted to the fact that her future husband is going to spend the next several seasons following her around, whining for attention. "Do I have to wait for him to sign, or can I shoot him now?" Legal Bob ignores her. Cassl shoots her a brief grin of You're Kinda Sexy When You Threaten Lethal Violence.

Bekt's all My Life Sucks. We, on the other hand, are delighted. Sorry, Bekt. I'm on Puppy's team right now.

BektPhone rings. Bekt answers. I smell the delicate hint of Plot…

Cassl watches, confused, as she makes for the door. "Wait, where are you going?"

"I have work to do."

Cassl brightens. "What, we have a case?"

"No. I have a case. You have paperwork."

ZING.

Bekt slides out the door mocking him, and if that scene doesn't prove that they will someday have flirty playful naked sexytime, well then, I don't know what does.

 Bekt's off to the Laundry Room Of Death. Sweet, adorable Irish tells her some old lady discovered the body of the young woman stuffed into the dryer. Old Lady was tired of waiting for the dryer, so she opened it to remove the stuff but found the body. Yikes. And here is my sweet Espo. "If that's not a cautionary tale about poking around someone else's laundry, I don't know what is."

Irish scoffs. "Dude, there is an etiquette involved. If the clothes are dry, Mrs. Rosenberg had every right to put them in the basket."

[I am with Irish on this one, btw. If there are no other dryers free, you wait ten to fifteen minutes to be polite and then you set that shit on a counter or something and put yours in really fast so the person doesn't come back and see you. After all, the clothes are perfectly clean.]

The Bros argue about laundry, because they are Teh Cute, while our girl Bekt actually, you know, does police stuff like look at the crime scene. Espo gripes about other people touching his underwear. Bekt just grins. "I thought you went commando, Esposito."

He shrugs. "Seasonal thing." Um…I don't even know what to do about that.

Bekt tells them to get the CSI lackeys to come pick up the crumpled bleach bottle and check the bloodstain on the floor and just generally investigate the shit out of stuff. Irish scribbles it all down into his little notepad, and I love him for it. I just do, okay? Irish says the dead girl is the nanny for one of the families in the building.

DING. Elevator doors open to show our girl Bekt swinging her arms, shoulders scrunched, like Oh Boy, I Get To Investigate A Murder Today! She is adorable and don't fight me on it, okay? But her good mood vanishes as she sees…Cassl waiting for her. He signed everything really, really fast so he could catch up to her and they could officially consummate their new partnership. And yes, I was delicately referring to The Sex there.

He's miffed she tried to ditch him (although I think they could probably overcome this with lots of sexual healing) but since the show is, well, named after him, obviously Montgomery told him how to follow her.

She fake-smiles and stalks off down the hallway…only to have smug Puppy clear his throat and point the other way. She pauses a moment to remind herself that shooting him right here would be too hard to hide, then follows his directions. "Exactly how much longer do I have to expect you to be shadowing me on my cases like this?" Well, that depends, Bekt. How long is it going to take him to get into your pants?

"Hard to say. When I'm writing a new character, there's no telling when inspiration might strike."

BektSass, complete with hair swirl, as they approach a door of Plot. "I thought I was your inspiration."

"Oh, you are, Detective, and in so many ways." And here we find the first of many times Cassl will not-very-subtly tell her Oh, BTW, I When I Think About You I Touch Myself.

"Yeah, well, your inspiration might strike you sooner than you think." HAAAAAA. She's gonna slap him. He just grins, because she's really hot when she's restraining the urge to shoot him.

BektKnock; the knock, she is brisk and purposeful and generally awesome. As they wait, Cassl rattles off the victim's name, says she's been working for the Petersons for two years. Bekt shoots him the BektLook of Bitch, You Best Not Speak. Naturally, he does not listen. "Doorman is a huge fan of my work."

Bekt continues to lazerbeam him with BektEyes of I Do NOT Have The Patience For This, but happily for CasslPuppy, the door opens before she can completely vaporize him. It's the mom. Bekt does the Badgeflash of Justice. "Detective Kate Bekt, NYPD." WHAT UP YO.

She goes in, with Puppy following blithely. "Richard Cassl, just – NY." Twenty points to Ravenclaw. Although it would've been a hundred if he'd said Cap'n Mal Reynolds of the Serenity. I'm just sayin'.

Opening screen. It tells me Yes, Soxie. You Will Love This Show. Watch ALL THE EPISODES.

Nanny's employers tell Bekt and Cassl that Nanny was great with their son, very dependable, etc. they explain their routine, and if you look, you can see Cassl watching them closely. He's reading body language. Because he does it, we start doing it too…I notice immediately as Husband shifts closer to Wife. It makes me feel awkward. And tells me that Cassl is a keen observer of human behavior. He's yet another wonderful example of the Sherlock Holmes mold, a male lead who sees everything.

(And that just generally makes me want him more.)

Sorry, long tangent in that paragraph. But sure enough, I notice that Husband is awkward about telling our Hot Brunettes that he was home for dinner with Nanny and Son last night.

Cassl, tired of sitting back, decides to ignore the Eyes Of Certain Death and talk. Asks if Nanny was having personal problems, boyfriend, etc. Bekt shoots him a look of Puppy Shut UPPPPPPPPP but again, he blithely ignores it. I think he thinks if he gets her angry enough, she's going to grab him, drag him into the nearest empty room and have hot hatred sex with him.

Bekt (whose red coat is really bringing me joy) tries to talk them down with vague assurances that they can't be sure what happened…but no, my girl. It wasn't just a break-in. That would only fill like half an episode, and how would you and Cassl stay occupied for the rest of it?

…

…

…

…you know what, maybe it was a break-in.

But Husband and Wife mention that Nanny broke up with her boyfriend Bob a month ago. So there's that.

Bekt is ready to shoo Puppy out the door – maybe kick him, if need be – but asks them how to reach Nanny's parents. They give her Nanny's bag and jacket, which are still sitting on a chair.

Back in the elevator, Cassl is demoted to purseholder as Bekt digs through the purse, looking for Nanny's cell phone. No luck there. But Bekt pulls out the wallet, finds Nanny's driver's license from Georgia. Cassl looks suddenly sad. "Are you really the one who has to call her parents?"

"Easier to write about than to live through, huh, Castle?" Saaaaaaaaaad. And just the tiniest shade of foreshadowing the tragedy in Bekt's life that we'll find out later in this season. This show is the best damn thing ever, people.

Back to the precinct, where Bekt and her new interactive teddy bear exit the elevator where they will someday have crazy hot sex. Don't argue. They will. Cassl immediately perks up. "Three men huddled around a computer? That better not be porn, and if it is, I want in."

Nope. Espo, Ryan (in a leather jacket…rawrrrrr) and Montgomery are watching security vid footage from the elevator in the building where Nanny was killed. Much less exciting. On the other hand, also much less NSFW.

HOLY CRAP. Bekt just walked over and leaned down to watch the screen, and Cassl's behind her, and I swear, he just tried to stare at her ass. No luck, since she's wearing a long coat. But srsly. He tried. I saw it.

They discover that Nanny had her phone at first, but on her last trip down to the laundry room, she didn't have it. Hmm. Also, there's no one in the elevator with black clothes, a ski mask, a dementor costume, a Dark Mark, The Grim, a Nazi uniform, a creepy monocle, or a sign that says I'M THE KILLER or DEATH TO NANNIES. Well, it was worth a try.

Cassl's bored with the actual police-y stuff, so he starts pacing, looking pensive and thoughtful and OH so damn sexy with his scraggly hair and just yum and you really need to not judge me for how fucking hot season 1 Cassl is.

Cassl suggests they check out all the neighbors. Bekt's all, WTF? Cassl's all, it'd be a good story. Bekt does a GIANT fucking eyeroll and armfold of Puppy, Why Are You Talking? But he sticks to his guns. People don't really know their neighbors. It's true, yo. I know two of the other twenty tenants in my building. Only one by name. The other one's just that one guy I played that one show with last year.

And Cassl turns into the Sexy Storyteller… "What about the guy in 8B?" WHO? "8 B. Quiet guy. See him every day, only, you never notice him. But he noticed Nanny. She's young, beautiful. The kind of girl a guy like him would never have a chance with – we all know girls like that, don't we?" He sends Bekt a pointed glance of Have Sex With Me, Please?, and she purses her lips, which I hope means OK, Fine. The Bros grin a little, because Big Sister's got a boyfriend now…

Cassl, in this soft, storytelling bedroom voice that is doing all sorts of good things to my body, spins this tale of Creepy Hypothetical Fucker Bob from 8B, who started stalking Nanny, confronted her in the laundry room, accidentally killed her, and tucked her in the dryer before quietly disappearing again. Apparently Bekt, too, is having sexy thoughts about that Spank Me, Baby voice of his, because as he talks, her face softens, her eyes fluttering, her mouth falling open, and yeah. She's totally into him. He is going to have absolutely no problem seducing her someday.

There's this long silent moment, during which everyone just stares at Hot Cassl and Bekt's eyes flicker a little as she imagines all these incredibly dirty scenarios in which she might get to hear that soft, low, breathy voice of his again…

But then he kills the mood. "Just sayin'. Better story. Coffee?"

He bolts for caffeine, and Bekt gets this little smile, like Wow, I Was Totally Just Turned On By Cassl's Sex Voice But I Think I Hid It Well Enough, But I Kind Of Want A Cigarette Now. Montgomery yells for everyone to do police-y shit and "SOMEONE better tell me who the hell lives in 8B!"

Aaaaaaaaaaaand Casslhaus, where Lex's hair is making me so very, very jealous. Lex is busily putting away leftovers from Hurricane Martha's cooking; Cassl helps. Lex is still agog at Papa Cassl's new "job." "You really are turning into a cop."

"Yeah?" He does that adorable excited grin he does:

Just…I love him. And I love his shirts. Especially when he decides to leave them open like this.

Lex asks why she never had a nanny – it's legit; they're insanely wealthy – but Cassl says they never needed one (he was a stay-at-home dad). In waltzes Martha, the Dowager Empress herself, sweeping in with an outfit I just can't even describe and a glass of wine, cheering her son, the new fake cop. "I did an NYPD Blue once, remember?"

Lex: "You were the crazy homeless woman."

Cassl: "And, some might say, still are."

He grins to soften the blow, and I'm resisting the temptation to keep putting in MORE screencaps because I keep wanting to put in a picture every time Cassl is adorable but the Sistine Chapel is not even big enough to hold them and fuck ALL he just looks really, really good, okay?

Everyone chats about the nanny thing; we discover that all Cassl's nannies were cray-cray and he doesn't know who his father is. And Lex, if you're trying to spoon that stuff into that container, try using a bigger spoon, Nkay? CasslPhone rings, and he reaches into his back pocket, and don't you DARE try to convince me to think dirty things about that. You pervs.

"Detective Bekt! Did you miss me already?" he croons. Pause. "Really? Do they do those at night? No, for sure. I just – " he grins – "I'm just touched that you thought of me." Touched in dirty ways. There's a pause. "Oh, 'ordered to call me.'" HA. Montgomery is already captain of the good ship Caskett, folks. I can just imagine her on the other end of the line, gritting her teeth, glaring daggers at her phone as she dials, praying he won't pick up.

And Cassl's out the door to meet his lady love.

Sexy nighttime rendezvous…at the morgue. Oh. Not so much sexy, then.

Clad in yucky blue scrub gowns and safety goggles, they head in to talk to Lanie. I love Lanie. We've established this, but I just wanted to remind everyone.

Like everyone, Lanie immediately falls victim to Cassl's charm smile. And his nighttime scruff. Fuck yeah. But Bekt has no patience, because they need to hurry up and finish here so she and Cassl can go do kinky things in the nearest storage closet. Lanie says blow to head, hit head on table, died, etc. "But what I thought you might find really interesting is the fact that she had sex within the hours before her death."

Incredulous!Bekt: "Sex?"

Helpful!Cassl: "I'll explain how that works later." PLEASE USE DEMONSTRATIONS.

She flicks him a quick glare of death before returning her attention to Plot, which, in my opinion, is so much less fun than CasslInnuendo. Lanie says the only evidence of sex was traces of spermicide. Bekt stares, not comprehending.

"The guy wore a condom."

Cassl gives Bekt elevator eyes. "Boy, it really has been a long time for you, hasn't it?" Don't worry, Bekt. He'll fix that.

Bekt holds in the homicidal rage – good girl – and Lanie blahs some more Plot.

AND commercials.

Back again: Morning. Bekt and her coffee. OTP, people. Cassl's looking just utterly delightful in a blue sweater that makes his eyes so very sexy. Bekt is rocking one of my favorite of the Jackets Of Justice collection with a dark green turtleneck that makes her eyes so very sexy. And Espo, fifty points to Gryffindor for that awesome tie/shirt combination. Modern yet tasteful. Well played, sir.

Fuck all, the 12th is looking good today.

But they're all about Plot. So they find a phone number on Nanny's phone records (remember, they still can't find her phone) which she was letting go to voicemail (i.e., avoiding). ExBoyf?

Sexyterrogation. Cassl tags along Bekt's heels, and before she opens the door, she pauses to poke him in the chest, and it's so cute because he kind of stumbles, and really, for a non-huggy, non-touchy-feely person, Bekt really, really likes poking him. And I'm kind of OK with it. She reminds him that he's there by invitation (i.e., order) only. And she will stop dispensing sexual favors if he misbehaves. Got it?

They interrogate ExBoyf. Cassl obediently sits to the side, letting Bekt squarely face ExBoyf. She hasn't yet mellowed enough to let him sit beside her. Mainyl because she still hates him. And it's cute.

Anyhow, ExBoyf tells them the breakup was mutual. Bekt's all, Really? – and turns on a recording of a bunch of voicemails ExBoyf left Nanny which basically said Come On, Call Me Back, You H0r.

Bekt's all, Why Did You Just Lie To Me, Manbitch? But Cassl, ever helpful, hops in. "'Cause no man likes getting dumped, am I right? Our egos can't handle it. This one time, I had this ex-girlfriend, she dumped me – I drank every meal for a week. I didn't even like her. If I'd've loved her? Wow. I don't know – "

He stops talking as he sees that Bekt is shooting him a look of I Will Take Out My Gun And Shoot You Between The Eyes If You Do Not Shut Your Mouth This Second.

ExBoyf says he found out about Nanny's death from their mutual friend Bob, a college classmate of theirs; Bob's also a nanny. She got Nanny her job. ExBoyf alibis out with work, and Bekt tells him You Can Go BUT DON'T LEAVE TOWN, MOFO. ExBoyf stammers out "Yes, ma'am" and skeddadles.

Cassl scootches to sit across from Bekt, obviously to see if she wants to play footsie, and looks confused. " 'Don't leave town?' Don't you need probable cause for something like that?" "Well, he doesn't know that, does he?"

CasslGape of Wow, You're Sexy AND Smart. "You can lie like that? That is so cool…" He starts scribbling in his little notebook, I stare lovingly at the Scruff Of Yum, and Bekt gets uncomfortable because she suspects (and I think she's right) he's actually just drawing pictures of what she would look like naked.

Well, let's go investigate. They're off to a playground in a park to find Friend Bob. And OH Motherfucker, the scarf porn. THE SCARF PORN.

Oh. Oh yes. I would do bad things to Richard Cassl in that scarf. Rawrrrrr…

Um, what?

 Right. Recap. Got it.

They banter; Cassl waxes nostalgic over bringing Lex here when she was just a tiny little Cassl. N'awwwwwwww. "Do you know how many lonely single mothers there are on a Manhattan playground? And there I was, between marriages."

Bekt chuckles. Ha. There's the Cassl she knows. "Exactly how many times have you been married, Cassl?" "Twice. Why?" "That's it?" "Isn't that enough?" NO. ONE MORE SHOULD BE PERFECT. To a gorgeous cop who kind of hates you. Just trust me.

He asks if she's been married… "Me? No. Never been." "Really? You'd be good at it. You're both controlling and disapproving. You should realy try it." HA. Yes. So you two can just get married now then, yes?

Bekt grabs the fence railing in front of her, scanning the playground, but Cassl finds it much more entertaining to just openly stare at Bekt until she cracks and says Okay, Fine, We Can Have Sex In My Car, Are You Happy Now? "I'm not really an if-at-first-you-don't-succeed kind of a girl, Cassl. When it comes to marriage, I'm more of a one-and-done type."

[Everyone join me in celebrating the birth of a Caskett meme!]

Cassl keeps gazing at her with a little bit too much interest. "Mmm…any serious candidates?"

Bekt finally tears her gaze away from the playground to find Cassl a little too close, a little too earnest, and the combination of that Sex Me Now scarf and those penetrating blue eyes is just too much. She gets visibly flustered, her mouth falling open in preparation for his tongue, but she turns back to the playground to avoid him. This is day 2 and he's already figured out how to render her incapable of speech: if option A (kissing her senseless) doesn't work, simply show romantic interest. She'll be a stuttering fool in seconds.

Saved by Bob – before Cassl can commence with the Kissage, Bekt spies Friend Bob.

Friend Bob sends another nanny to watch Kid Bob while our Sexy Duo asks her about Nanny. Friend Bob gets choked up, and Bekt gets motherly: "I know what it feels like to lose somebody, Bob, but we need to ask you these questions." Ohhhhhhhhh…sweet vulnerable Bekt. I think that's the side that keeps Cassl interested. Coy!Bekt is what catches him in the first place, but Wounded!Bekt makes him stay because she's more than just a pretty face and amazing body.

Friend Bob lets slip that Nanny was schtupping someone new. And…Bob's pretty sure it was Mr. Husband, as in, the dad of the kid she nannied. Uh oh.

Commercials!

We return to find it a new day. Cassl and Bekt, freshy be-scarf'd and bright-eyed and rested after what I assume was a long night of rough, angry hatred sex (you disagree? try to prove me wrong, I dare you), trot out to re-question Husband.

Cassl gets really excited when he discovers that Bekt, too, suspected Husband from the beginning. Telepathic bonds mean even better sex. "You would really clean up at my poker game."

"Right. You, James Patterson and the rest of the Times bestseller list? No thank you, Cassl. A little too rich for my blood."

"We coud always make it strip poker." OMFG PLEASE YES. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE YES. AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE THE SEX.

"Sorry, but I prefer mystery to horror." BAHAHAHA. Zing. She is obviousy referring to Patterson, of course. Because seriously, season 1 Cassl is scruffy and scarf-clad and so fucking delicious. Um…yeah. Tonto? Jump on it.

They find Husband on the phone, and he sees them and Bekt just whirls her finger in the air and mouths Wrap it up and fuck, I want that kind of power.

The three of them end up pedeconferencing outside, and Bekt has to remind CasslPuppy to Shut Up And Let Me Be The Cop Here, Mkay? Husband, it turns out, was having an affair with a woman from his office; Nanny stayed late those nights because he wasn't home either.

There is awkward; there is sexy awkward music. Bekt just blinks. Finally, Cassl comes up with a tentative "Don't leave town." Cassl? Marry me. Thanks.

Bekt and Cassl return to the 12th to find the Bros. And my sweet Irish is readig a CasslBook. I love Irish. I just want to muss up his hair and hug him.

Bekt grumbles because they no longer have a suspect. Irish pulls out Paddy O'Notebook. "I got something even better."

"Please tell me it's that the mayor wants him outta here." Oh Bekt. Don't lie. You want to sex him up. We all know it.

Cassl to the Bros: "You ever notice that she gets a little grumpy when she doesn't have a suspect?" HA. I think you can cheer her up, though, Cassl. Just take her into a broom closet, lock the door, and…

Ryan, though, says someone's alibi doesn't check out. "Who?" Bekt reaches for the paper, but Sweet Ryan pulls it away. "No. You gotta guess."

"Ryan – " yank. "Ryan. I'm not guessing." I LOVE it when IrishBro messes with Big Sister.

Cassl just grins, because he loves it too, and finally Irish gives up and hand over the paper. "You're a killjoy, you know that?" "Exactly what I've been telling her," Cassl huffs.

Three guesses, everyone.

And SHAZAM, it's Wife!

They confront her. And, well, turns out the day Nanny was killed, Wife was at the divorce attorney. She found out about Husband's affair. It had nothing to do with Nanny. Sigh.

Commercials.

We return…to Casslhaus. Cassl sits in CasslStudy, oozing the charm and the sex appeal. In trots Martha, and can we all just agree that Martha is love? She is. The woman is unstoppable.

After a creepy-ass moment in which Martha accuses her son of webcamming (I don't even want to know how Martha knows that that is), we join Cassl in watching the security camera footage from the elevators (I strongly suspect he stole it from Bekt). Lex joins them, and we have a nice little family moment of security camera bonding. Cassl's watching the phone, and then he gets Cassllook #19, AHA!

He notices a five-second time difference in the two videos of the elevator going down. First time Nanny goes down to put the clothes in, it takes her five less seconds to get there. Ergo, she didn't go back up to the Marrieds' apartment. She went to a higher floor, and then it took her longer to come back down to switch loads.

Morning. Cassl and Bekt in the elevator, but sadly, not having sex in it (yet). And yes, Cassl, that zip-front shirt? That's nice. It does good things to me. Bekt, trying to resist the CasslHotness, sighs. "Not sure where you're going with this, Cassl." Hopefully, straight to his bedroom. With her.

But like eight-year-old boys everywhere, Puppy thinks impressing her with his mad investigative skillz will successfully woo her. DING! He checks his watch. "It takes 32 seconds to get from the basement to the 12th floor)." "Great. I'll alert the media." I LOVE SEASON 1 BEKTSNARK. The snark, she is lovely.

He says Oh, BTW, Five Extra Seconds. Bekt's detective instincts immediately gain power over her Fuck Cassl In The Elevator instincts. Yep. Nanny was coming from the 15th floor this time. Maybe THIS is where her phone is.

Bekt's all, WTF? Cassl's all, Nanny prolly had sex with someone on this floor, yo. "By the way, that whole elevator thing? I just did that because you smell nice." So, in other words, He Wants You. All Over Him. In That Elevator. Right Now.

As they approach the nearest door, Bekt decides to attempt to regain some authority. "Cassl, you can't just knock on people's doors!" "Why not?"

Bekt hammers on the door. "Who is it?" "(Because you're gonna freak them out.) POLICE!" Uh-huh. And that's real comforting.

Door opens to reveal a really old guy. He stares. "You're the police?"

Cassl: "Uh – she is. I'm sorry, do you live here alone?"

Old Bob: "Yeah. Why do you want to know?"

[Just paused it to write, and Bekt's not even looking at Old Bob. She's staring at Cassl, mouth open…yeah. She hates him, but she really does want to jump his bones. Ha.]

Cassl: "Eh, don't worry about it. You're not young enough."

Old Bob: "Young enough for what?"

Cassl: "To have sex."

Bekt looks awkwardly back at Old Bob, silently telling him, I'm Sorry, This Man Is Insane And I Cannot Control Him. Please Save Me.

Old Bob: "What kinda cops did you say you were?" Well, sexy ones.

Bekt: "He's not a cop. I'm a cop."

Old Bob: "And you're looking for someone to have sex with?" Uh, no. She's already found him and she's standing next to him. But she and Cassl have a brief moment of The Eyefuck, and Cassl twitches that sexy eyebrow up, all, No, Honey, I Took Care Of You Last Night. And Then Again This Morning When We Woke Up. And Then While You Took A Shower, And Then –

Saved by Plot. Bekt sees a young-ish mom and little girl (Friend Bob's little ward) leaving the apartment down the hall. Bingo. She smiles sweetly at Old Bob. "So sorry to bother you."

And and Cassl bolt, leaving Old Bob to call after them, "77 ain't beyond the realm of possibility, ya know!" Heh.

Inside Other Mom's apartment, Other Mom is all, No Idea Why Nanny Would Have Been Up Here. Bekt asks stuff; Cassl cautiously noses around. Because he is a puppy with no attention span, sniffing all the shoes.

And then bedroom door opens, and out steps Other Dad…yeah. I think I know where this is going. Other Dad tries to feign ignorant of which day it was, but please. Dude. Don't even try it. I'm not fooled. You like a white-trash version of the lead singer from Sugar Ray.

Cassl, who is bored of being lied to, perks up and asks to use their bathroom, and I just know he is going to do something ridiculous and probably moderately illegal. And I'm cheering him on. Bekt, though, has this little look of Cassl, I Swear To God, If You Do Something Stupid…

Naturally, Cassl snoops through the medicine cabinet, finds condoms, pauses to zhuzzh his hair a little (LOVE), and flushes the toilet to convince them he wasn't snooping.

He rejoins them outside, where Bekt is also getting tired of being lied to, and walks past her, steathily whispering "Condoms." She's a little WTF – seriously, Cassl? you're that desperate? – but then Cassl walks back and whispers "Condoms in the bathroom." Oh Cassl. You try so hard. You fail so spectacularly.

As Bekt continues to be the sane one, Cassl reaches behind her back and dials Nanny's number on his phone…

…and HOLY FUCK I HEAR NANNY'S PHONE RING! FROM INSIDE THE MASTER BEDROOM!

Other Dad is in a fuckton of trouble, yo.

Bekt shoots Cassl a look of I KNOW You Had Something To Do With This And I Will Punish You For It Later, but right now, let's keep rolling with the Plot.

Commercials.

And we're back to Sexyterrogation, watching Badass!Bekt make mincemeat out of today's model of manbitch: cheating dirtbag Other Dad. Cassl keeps trying to jump in, and finally Bekt glares at him and flicks her gaze down to the empty chair, and excuse me while I flail a little over the silent communication, because she just eyefucked him a message and he gets it and sits down. Eyefucking: Prelude To The Real Thing.

In comes a lawyer, and Skeezy Other Dad gets to walk out. Bekt looks really, really frustrated. I think maybe Cassl should calm her down a little. Using his body. It's just a suggestion.

Outside, Bekt, Puppy, and Les Bros conference – condoms match the spermicide on the body – and they're all, maybe we should check with Friend Bob? – so they pull up the security cam video to check this whole story.

They see Friend Bob getting on the elevator, and everything seems fine, until Smart!Bekt perks up. "Wait. Where's the kid?" Sure enough, Mini Bob is nowhere to be seen. It's just Friend Bob.

LET'S GO GET FRIEND BOB!

Cassl and Bekt go to Friend's apartment, but her roommate says she's not there. She went to the family about an hour ago. And btw, this apartment here? Pretty damn nice. Cassl finds a photo with Friend Bob, Skeevy Other Dad, and Mini Bob, and OH FUCK SHE'S SLEEPING WITH HIM TOOOOOOOOOO!

Seriously, did you see that guy? He is so not even worth it.

They zip back to the family's apartment building. Bekt and the Bros are all Let's Rock, and Cassl wants to come along. Bekt decides to let him. "Okay, Cass. But it's accompany and observe, not participate and annoy, got it?"

"Participate and annoy is a lot more fun, but alright."

LET'S ROCK THIS SHIT.

They badass their way out of the elevator, Bekt loosening BektScarf in preparation for Intense Shit, and power down the hallway like bosses. Apartment door is open, which means Bad, Bad Shit. Bekt powers into action, grabbing gun, etc.

In they go. Other Dad is unconscious but alive; Other Mom and Mini Bob are safely locked in the bathroom. Everyone's all Oh, Fuck. And then the doorman calls: there's a girl in the laundry room with a knife. Ah, fuck all.

Commercialsssssssssssss.

Bekt, Cassl and Espo head downstairs; Espo takes all the other neighbors out and Bekt prepares to go in. Cassl leans in. "So what's the plan?" "To get everyone out of this alive."

They head in, but she pauses. "You don't go in. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Will he obey? Probably not.

Bekt opens the door, and sure enough, there's Friend Bob with a big knife, slowly cutting lines into her thigh. Oh, not cool. Her voice is clogged, nasal, like she's been crying.

Friend is really on edge, so Bekt puts her gun down as Cassl starts sneaking in. "No one's gonna shoot anybody. Unless it's you if you take another step inside, Cassl." BUSTED. She'll sexually punish him later.

Friend starts to talk. Stupid Fucker Other Dad was sleeping with both nannies. Was promising to leave his wife. "Guys can be like that sometimes," Bekt replies, and Cassl's eyes flick back to her, because is that the detective speaking, or the woman? "They can lie. And I know, when you find out, how much it can break your heart."

Cassl swallows. I think it bothers him that Bekt's got sad stuff in her past. And this isn't even the tip of the iceberg.

And Friend is now pregnant. With the baby of a fucker who couldn't keep it in his pants. She didn't mean to kill Nanny that day. Just went to talk to her. They argued; she hit her with the bleach bottle, Nanny hit her head. Cassl watches the whole time – Friend is about an inch away from who knows, Bekt is cautious and gentle and vulnerable, and this whole little drama is ten times more compelling than any of the shit in those shitty books he writes.

Bekt finally gets her to drop the knife, and Cassl lets out this long breath.

Outside – FuckerBoy is wheeled out on a gurney as the girl is put into the squad car. Bekt watches, and Cassl comes to join her. "So! Looks like I managed to make it through the case without getting injured, shot or killed." "Yeah, well – maybe tomorrow." He grins. He likes Snarky!Bekt.

"By the way, I really liked that whole, uh, 'sisterhood' thing you ran back there."

"I wasn't running anything, Cassl. What that guy did had consequences, only, he'll just get to walk away."

"Well, not scott free. I sense a pretty big divorce settlement in his future."

"Whatever it is, it won't be enough."

Bekt walks off, serious, and Cassl watches as it dawns on him that maybe, just maybe, something like this happened in her past. Because even beautiful, awesome women get hurt sometimes.

Manhattan night. Cass sits in CasslStudy, typing a new storyline for Nikki Heat (whose name he hasn't told Bekt yet) in which Rook, too, figures out that once upon a time, someone broke her heart too. Kind of like Watson's case notes, in a way, though completely fictional. AND: Listen to the music as he types. That steady, far-off pulse in the piano, over the I and flat VI harmonies? I can't place it, but I swear we will hear that in later episodes. It's bugging me that I can't remember exactly where. It was a serious episode…I think maybe in season 3…was it the end of Knockout? Eh, idk.

Lex walks in and they chat about the case. And they're sweet and adorabe and father-daughterish and I just cannot handle how nice they are. Really. And we close with Cassl glancing at this old picture of him and Itty-Bitty little Lex walking hand-in-hand through the park, and I can't help but just go AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

THE END.
 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:15873 International Walk Like Beckett Day! 2011-12-23T01:55:31Z 2011-12-23T02:14:24Z To celebrate the end of winter hiatus and the airing of 4x11, our little corner of the Castle fandom invites YOU to participate in Walk Like Beckett Day! The concept is simple: in the manner of our girl Beckett, look awesome on Monday, January 9.

So wear something inspired by Beckett. Lots of freedom here. Badass boots, an epic jacket, a man's watch, a ring on a chain, do-it-yourself hairporn, a wondrous scarf, etc. If you have a skintight little blue dress with a plunging front, you know what? Go for it. Live a little. Knock 'em dead. (If you want to research, you can find lots of Beckett-fashion info here at the Fashion On Castle blog.)

Step-by-step instructions:

1. On January 9, wear something awesome and Beckettish.
2. Revel in the fabulous compliments you get. Because yes. You will get them.
3. Report to the fandom world on what you wore and how it went!
4. WATCH CASTLE THAT NIGHT. This step is most vital.

So start planning your outfit and firing up the straighteners and curling irons, people! Let International Walk Like Beckett Day be a day of fashion and justice. Invite your friends, your family, your co-workers, your bitter enemies, random people on the street. Spread the word, far and wide.

Cheers, everyone!

[Embrace the hairporn.]

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:15762 Castle Theme Song: The Church Prelude Edition 2011-12-09T17:03:31Z 2011-12-09T17:06:55Z I'm a church organist as well as student, so I play for a big church nearby. And sometimes (a lot of times, actually), I sneak quotes from the Castle theme song into my preludes. haven't gotten caught yet.

Here are the first four notes, which I use as the motive:

'

Now here are the actual opening credits with the theme.

And here's my prelude. Castle theme is quoted at 3:52, 5:31, 8:14, 9:02 and 9:34.

This was my confession on castleconfessions:

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:14850 Today's Poll: Who Was The King? 2011-11-12T19:20:26Z 2011-11-12T19:20:26Z Super Bon Bon OK, I have to ask this one. In that joyous scene from "Heartbreak Hotel," who was your favorite Elvis?

View Poll: It's now or never...

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:14517 "It does not do to dwell on dreams"...well, except this time. 2011-10-26T21:33:56Z 2011-10-26T21:35:40Z Overture from Barber of Seville, Rossini
So eleanor_rigby1, who has been my best friend since our freshman year of high school, told me the other day she had an epic dream. She dreamed that she and I were running a blog where we wrote reviews of TV and movies and stuff, and her sister and one of our old friends worked with us. Anyway, we got to actually interview Nathan Fillion in person, and (naturally) I was über excited.

She said I managed to keep it together pretty well through the interview, but then at the end, we went to leave and he kissed our hands, and I fainted dead away. She was just laughing her ass off, and he was all worried about me, asking, "Should we lay her on the couch here?" and she just told him, "Ah, it's OK, she's just really in love with you."

Um…yep, this would absolutely happen.

The End.

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:14172 Season 3 Ep. 21, The Dead Pool 2011-10-18T13:00:08Z 2011-11-16T17:07:44Z Girl From Ipanema, Getz/Gilberto
Hello again, my sweet doves. Real life has me floundering. Sorry this one took so long. But on the bright side, I got to see Anna Bolena AND La Traviata this weekend! Hooray. Yay for the Live from the Met broadcasts. PLUS I actually did not forget to study for my opera lit midterm! First test I've remembered to study for all semester. 1 in 3 isn't bad, right?

[OMFG BLUES BROTHERS REFERENCE LAST NIGHT. Did you catch it? When Espo and Ryan were in the elevator with the SWAT-type guys going to grab Falco, the elevator music was "Girl From Ipanema," just like in The Blues Brothers when Jake and Elwood are at the Daley Plaza being chased by everyone. I seriously almost shrieked out loud. And then flailed. Then had to explain to my roommate what was going on.]

I have chosen Dead Pool, because it was lovely and funny, and I love love LOVE jealous Cassl, and the last little cute scene in this episode just about overdosed me on adorable.

I hope you guys appreciate that I sat up writing this when I should have been working on my project on Shostakovich's opera Lady MacBeth of the Mtensk District, yo. But I love you much, and it's been a while, so I wanted to finish this. So here it be.

<o:p> </o:p>

Season 3 Episode 21, The Dead Pool

We open in dark and shadowy swimming complex. I roomed with a swimmer for a year in undergrad and therefore knew most of the team, and let me just tell ya, they are insane but also extremely awesome. SwimmerBoy, obviously training at night, gives us some Hot Front Crawl Action to the sweet strains of Robert Duncan's badass drumbeats. Nicely done.
At the end of his run, SwimmerBoy sees a dark-clothed figure approaching…

…remember, on this show that means DEATH COMES IN THE END…

…but first, let's go see how cute Casslhaus is this morning. Cassl's reading to the CasslLadies from a book by Alex Conrad, his protegé, which I guess means Mr. Conrad, too, wants to write cookie-cutter books for lots of moolah. OK. At least Conrad's picture is cuter than Patterson.

Conrad's writing style is what's commonly known in the literary world as OH FUCK ME NOW SO OVERDRAMATIC but he's smart enough to dedicate it to his mentor, Richard Cassl, which is not only sweet but also hitches his wagon onto Cassl's fame (and hotness). Mr. Conrad's in town and wants to know more about Cassl's writing process.

Soxie's Explanation Of Cassl's Writing Process<o:p></o:p>

1. Find incredibly hot detective.

2. Get flat-out rejected by her.

3. Follow her around like puppy.

4. Call it "research" because stalking is illegal.

5. Make sexually inappropriate comments.

6. Save her life.

7. Fall hopelessly in love.

8. Seduce her with gifts of coffee, bear claws and Russian nesting dolls.

9. Always aim for the CIA explanation.

10. Stare at her for hours because she's gorgeous and you love her.

11. Spend three years doing all of this.

12. Make more sexually inappropriate comments.

13. Write stuff when you have time.

Martha has a slightly different, but not wholly incompatible, take on it: "And by writing process, you mean your procrastination until the very last second – " Lex picks up: "Then writing out of a desperate panic in a caffeine-induced haze?" "That one?"

NO silly mortals! He means his slow seduction of Bekt relationship with the NYPD. Um…Puppy invited him to hang with the 12th. Um…Puppy? Bekt owns your ass. You do nothing without checking with her first.

Sure enough, we flash to the pool complex to find Bekt briskly walking while informing us that nope, she did not OK this. Puppy tags obediently at her heels, trying desperately to sway her. "Come on! He's a writer. How much trouble could he possibly be?"

Bekt just glares at him, because shit son, the single writer she has already allowed into her life has fallen head-over-heels in love with her and let's face it, he's ruggedly handsome. Two writers? I mean, there is already enough hotness at the 12th precinct that I'm afraid for my life. If another writer increases the level of sexy, I might not survive.

Cassl just continues his desperate pleas for love and acceptance. "So is that a yes?...Is that a no?" Bekt doesn't reply, just smiles because she loves it when Puppy whines for love and acceptance and Beggin' Strips. And meanwhile, our girl is looking great today, isn't she? I love the blue shirt, and I love the jacket too. And the hairgasm is unstoppable. Bekt? Twenty points to Gryffindor for looking gorgeous. Well done. Carry on.

Naturally, we allow ourselves a whiff of Plot. Champion college swimmer drowned. Hmm. Not normal. Drugged, then tossed in pool. Mkay then. Died between 1 and 5 AM; he is not only merely dead, but really most sincerely dead. His teammates found his body when they showed up for 6 AM practice. That's kinda late, actually. Kristy was out the door every morning by 5:15.

Our intrepidly hot brunettes talk to the coach, who says SwimmerBoy was hardcore and unstoppable and awesome. Came from a humble background, worked his way up. Says he doesn't think there's any bad rivalry on the team or anything. Coach walks off, choking up, and Cassl gets very sober. "This is why Alexis is never going to college." Awwww. Poor protective CasslPapa.

Espo approaches with an offering of more Plot. Apparently last night, SwimmerBoy was seen training here with SuperSwimmer, the Olympic guy whose giant poster is hanging right nearby. Huh. Convenient.

SuperSwimmer is apparently shooting a commercial or something today with whorish female models. And I will be honest: he is not hard on the eyes. Not one bit. The photographer's all "Yeah! That's it! You love this man! You want him!"

Bekt holds up BektBadge. "That's funny. I want him too."

LOVE. Twenty more points to Gryffindor.

SuperSwimmer too says SwimmerBoy was awesome and unstoppable. They both came from lower backgrounds, so SuperSwimmer was kind of his mentor. Which is nice. Swimming is fuckin' hard work, yo. SwimmerBoy wanted to train last night, and SuperSwimmer figured eh, I'm mostly doing endorsements, I could use some more time in the water. And SwimmerBoy needed a friend; he'd just broken up with his hometown girlfriend because his future was taking off and hers wasn't. Ouch, but my guess is they would've broken up eventually anyway.

The photographer calls him back, and SuperSwimmer takes off his jacket. "Man. Hell of a day to sell a cologne."

He heads back over to the photo shoot. And because our girl Bekt is red-blooded, sane, straight and not blind, she eyes him as he walks off. I mean, come on, did you see his body? Swimmers have incredible bodies. Srsly.

CasslPuppy whines for attention, which is going to be a trend through this episode, fyi. And it's adorable. "What were you looking at?"

"Nothing." Haha. She is a LYING LIARFACE and I love that Cassl just got a little bit jealous. Want to one-up him, Cassl? It's easy. Just start stripping. It's okay, we'll all wait.

<o:p> </o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

…but the dice, there are none.

So we move on. Sky shot of Manhattan in a burst of golden dawn. Unnecessarily cool shot of Lanie in the morgue. Mother ID's body. She tells Montgomery he was a good kid, kept his nose above trouble.

She leaves and he heads back in to talk to our intrepidly stunning brunettes, and Bekt has pulled her hair back with some sort of pin, and honestly, I like when she pulls it back.  It feels much more realistic. I mean, come on, how many people, let alone cops, do you know who walk around like a shampoo commercial? Srsly, doves. Srsly. What it does tell us, though, is that she's pulling it back to hide the fact that it's all messy because she and Cassl just had a raunchy little interrogation session of their own in the nearest available janitor's closet. You doubt me? Then why was Montgomery talking to the mother instead of them?

BAM said Soxie. QED, my dirty little doves.

Irish shows up to save me with cute. SwimmerBoy was getting nasty texts from his ex-girlf, basically If You Leave Me I Will Kill Your Ass. Montgumby points out Girlf is 5'2". Irish helpfully explains that maybe she couldn't kill Swimmer, but her brothers could. "In grand Irish tradition, she has 4 of them. Each over 6 foot." And all 5 of these lovely folks has a record of their own. Assault, aggravated assault, assault on a city employee parking enforcement –

"Doesn't count." CASSL LOVE. Fifty points to Ravenclaw.

"Easy – "

"Dude – "

"Just jokes!"

Bekt just barely gives a flicker of a smile, because she secretly loves it when Puppy is ridiculous, but she stays strong.

Girlf, interrogation. And not the euphemism-for-rough-sex kind, the actual crime-solving kind. Girlf insists she didn't do it. She stuck with him for five years, and then was furious when he dumped her. Girlf, it may be noted, is a sort of Irish version of Jersey Shore. Hopefully with 1000% less herpes.

"So you threatened to kill him unless he took you back?"

"That's how I talk, OK?"

Bekt just stares at her for a second. Because damn.

Girlf says she's had thought Swimmer was seeing someone else. She followed him one night and instead of meeting a girl, he met some scary guy with an accent and they had a huge argument.

CasslIntrigued. "What kind of accent? Spanish? Russian? Asian?"

"Do I look like I work at the UN?" CasslGape. "Not Brooklyn. Okay?"

"Okay." Cassl mumbles. I think he's scared. Bekt bites her lip, but her eyes are sparkling because Puppy is SO DAMN ADORABLE when he's scared and she wants to get Girlf out of here pronto so she and Cassl can debrief each other. Very, very thoroughly.

And yes, that is a euphemism.

Girlf describes Scary Guy to the sketch artist, and BAM there's a sketch of a guy with a bulbous nose and uneven eyes. He looks dastardly to me. Said sketch is given a place of honor on the sacred murderboard. Bekt, fresh off the phone, says according to Lanie, no drugs in his system, but he was drugged with a rag soaked in chlorine.

Cassl vehemently supports Scary Guy as the killer. Bekt's not convinced. "And what would his motive be, exactly?"

"He – it – "

She's all up in his personal space, and hot damn do they do that a lot, but Espo steps in to ruin the murderboard sex. According to financials, Swimmer was paying most of his tuition himself, but didn't have a job and took out no loans. Where'd he get that money?

Cassl hops right on the Espo Plot Train. "You think maybe he borrowed money from the wrong guys to finance his dream?" "- and then when he couldn't make the payments, they came after him." "That would explain the argument."

They turn back to Bekt, smug expressions firmly in place, and Bekt's all Fuck ALL I Love You Guys But I'm Halfheartedly Pretending I Don't. Espo takes a quick phonecall while Bekt reminds Cassl that there's still no evidence and this is all conjecture. Espo says uniforms say Swimmer's apartment has been tossed.

RUH ROH

And sky shot. Cassl and Bekt approach the apartment while Bekt puts on gloves, and is it just me or do you think any of Cassl's obviously many fantasies about her involve those gloves? Is it just me? Sorry. Moving on. Cassl, as always, is a fountain of information. And hotness. "This place looks like my first apartment. We used to have cockroach races. Wonder if that's how Kafka got the idea?" EWWW MOTHERFUCKER but thirty points for the literary reference. Well played, sir.

Someone was looking for something specific. Even the mattress is ripped. And BAMMO, in a hole in the wall, they find a plastic bag filled with little vials of yellow fluid – dude – steroids? It's either that or apple juice, and my money's not on apple juice.

And title page.

Back at CSI: Cassl, Lanie says this is a super-sekrit almost undetectable type of steroids. But Swimmer wasn't using them. Lanie says she's heard of a drug like this being developed in Eastern Europe. Huh. Remember Scary Guy?...

My boyfriend's right with me. "Eastern Europe…home of the hard-to-identify accent."

But first, back to the murderboard for pensive side-by-side crimesolving. Bekt and Cassl muse. If SwimmerBoy needed money, maybe he was dealing, not using? Cassl points out that maybe Swimmer was running low and the "secretive Slav" was his source.

Bekt sassily points out that Girlf might have been lying. Enter my wild Irish rose, looking a little rumpled and I just want to ruffle his hair and pinch his cheeks because he's SO DAMN CUTE. "Well, she wasn't lying about her brothers. I talked to all four of them, one Irishman to another – and another – anyway, they alibied out." Where were they, Bekt wants to know? Irish gets defensive. "They were at a – sporting event. Of sorts."

Bekt is not satisfied. "Which – was – ?"

"Leprechaun toss. Don't ask." Espo and Cassl look like this might be the best news they've heard all day,and let's face it, it pretty much is. He informs them that the eldest toook first place. And apparently the interview in which he gleaned this information tore the sleeve seam on his blazer, and is it just me, or maybe that was another round of leprechaun toss? Because I love my sweet Irish and I hope they didn't injure him too badly.

"All right," Cassl moves on because it's been more than ten seconds since he tried to seduce Bekt and he needs to rectify that. "Perhaps this suggests that Girlf was telling the truth about our Elusive Estonian." And he waggles his eyebrows in a distinctly sexy way.

Bekt just smiles because she loves when he says dumb things to try to please her, which is all the time, and he's just so cute.

Bekt sends Irish to go do something detective-y and Espo to talk to Swimmer's teammates about the steroids. The teammates, including one guy with a fantastic upper body and low-slung pants which are nice to look at – I'm just saying – are all up at arms because SwimmerBoy was NOT a user OR a dealer and DAMN IT JANET you can't say that about him.

Back to the precinct, where our hot brunettes have apparently been going overtime on the janitor's closet sex, because now they're pedeconferencing while drinking from matching NYPD mugs. "There's a double meaning in that." Benedick's right, fyi. It means dirty, dirty things.

They chat about the oddness of Swimmer leaving his apartment and staying out all night; they know he did nighttime training, but sometimes he left without his gym bag. Apparently Cassl and Bekt never roomed with a swimmer and therefore never heard how the boys' team sometimes did naked practices – I'm not making this up – but my guess is that's not it either.

And out of nowhere, the sexy is interrupted by a voice – we whirl around – to find Alex Conrad, in the flesh. BAM said the Other Writer. "Maybe you're looking at it wrong. Maybe the steroids had nothing to do with his murder. Maybe they're your red herring."

Well played, sir. And he's well-dressed but casual – very obviously styled to look kind of like a younger Cassl – and hate me if you will, but he really is kind of hot. But he's examining the murderboard, so I'm going to start off a little sour on him for everything other than looks.

(How shallow am I? Very.)

Bekt's not blind, so she gets this Hmm, At Least He's Kind Of Hot look and follows Cassl over to meet Almost!Cassl. Almost!Cassl immediately blathers about I Love Heat Wave, totally like I already know you, and don't even think about it FakeCassl, because Bekt is far superior to Nikki Heat and I don't care how well you "know" her, you are not going to know Bekt biblically so just calm the fuck down.

Bekt gets flustered when he gets to 'self-assured beauty,' just like she always blushes when Cassl whispers sweet nothings in her ear after they make love, so she asks about the steroid-red herring thing. AlmostCassl blahs about how if he were writing it, the steroids would be his red herring. Um…AlmostCassl? That's so damn predictable. Please go read Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie.  And Wilkie Collins. Then you can come back and play. Mkay.

There's an awkward silence, and Cassl's all It's OK, You're New So You Have Shitty Ideas, but Bekt's all Actually, Maybe You're Right. CasslWTF?

Bekt, seduced slightly by AlmostCassl's Almost-Casslness, is all hey, we should look at the old neighborhood! Cassl gets unhappy because he sees his ladylove falling for the FakeCasslness and is all, "But you probably have lots of questions, so we should get going – "

Cassl tries to lead AlmostCassl away, but then the axe falls as AlmostCassl blunders into the territory of death: "If it's not overstepping, just in the interest of keeping it real, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions for the case I'm coming up with for Seriously Dead." Blah on the title, if anyone wants my opinion.

CasslFace has already fallen, but then yet another blow falls on poor Puppy: Bekt actually gives AlmostCassl her card (i.e., her number) and says Call Me. Puppy stares forlornely at the card, because Bekt is HIS and no AlmostCassl is going to see her naked before HE does.

AlmostCassl glances up at his pining mentor. "I mean, if it's okay with you."

"Why wouldn't it be okay?" Puppy grumbles through gritted teeth, silently begging Bekt with his eyes Pleeeeeeeeease Don't Sleep With Him.

Bekt totally sees his plea, but ignores it. "Okay."

"Okay!" AlmostCassl, you are straying dangerously close to Soxie's enemy list. And I reserve that list for the likes of Justin Bieber and the cast, crew and author of Twilight. So be warned.

Back to Casslhaus. "It's so not okay!" CasslPuppy whines to his sweet gingers. "After all that I have done for him, he goes and tries to steal my muse!"

"Muse thievery." I LOVE PRINCESS LEX. "What's the punishment for that? Five to ten in mythology jail?" A hundred points to Gryffindor.

Martha and Lex crack up, but Puppy is still wounded. "Yes, you laugh. You laugh all you want. But now I finally know what Obi-Wan Kenobi felt like when Darth Vader turned on him." Eighty points and a bantha to Ravenclaw for Star Wars. And don't you dare judge me for that. "You know what they're calling him down at Black Pawn publishing? 'The Next Richard Cassl!'" "Oh…" "I thought it was a compliment. But no, he's trying to replace me!" IN BEKT'S BED. NOT COOL. Cassl flounces away from the table, petticoats all abuzz because it is NOT FAIR. He grabs his laptop, goes to his website and takes down his review for [Insert Lame Play On Words] by AlmostCassl. That'll show him.

Lex, ever maintainer of sanity, points out that mayhap AlmostCassl is just spending time with Bekt to learn more about Cassl. He stares blankly for a second before his mind backfires. "Never confuse me with your reasonableness." Oh Lex. You have broken his brain.

Lex and Martha think AlmostCassl is not so bad and Cassl should give him a chance. Me? I'm not so convinced, but it's probably just because I love Nathan Fillion in a sick and unhealthy way so I'm biased.

And morning! – finds us at BektDesk with a shitload of muffins. Srsly. That is an obscene number of muffins. I'm a little scared. Bekt hangs up Bektphone and smiles because RealCassl is there and handing her coffee, her preferred method of morning seduction. Because RealCassl knows how she likes it: hot and strong.

[I could have added "wet" and "foamy" but I am not nearly that dirty-minded.]

Bekt informs him she's got a list of Swimmer's old neighborhood buddies. Espo walks by. Stops. Sees the muffins. Lusts over the muffins. Offers to run the list of names. And grabs a muffin on his way off. Beautiful strategy there. Very subtle. Fifteen points to Gryffindor. Gryffindor is kicking ass today, yo.

Cassl likes muffins too! and takes one. Bekt smiles pleasantly. "Alex Conrad sent them to me." Cassl immediately drops said muffin because he is NOT having anything to do with these twisted sexual muffins of DOOM. Bekt stares, confused, because srsly, what could be evil about muffins? OH I bet AlmostCassl filled them with drugs and plans to drug her into sexual submission! EVIL MUFFINS OF DEATH!

Sure enough, Cassl picks up the note from atop the pile of evil deathmuffins:

<o:p> </o:p>

REMEMBER WHAT ESPO SAID IN SEASON 2? "Pancakes are an edible way of saying thank you so much for last night." Muffins apparently say I Struck Out.

But all Cassl can see is AlmostCassl thanking her for last night. Now he's trying to figure out what way he needs to murder AlmostCassl and dispose of the body. "'Last night.' I guess you two got together last night." If clothes were removed, Puppy will not be happy.

"Yeah. We talked about procedure." Bekt stretches back, letting her boobs press very obviously through her shirt, and Cassl glares because while normally he loves seeing this part of her anatomy, "talked about procedure" sounds uncomfortably close to "had naked sexytime" and if AlmostCassl saw her without clothes on, RealCassl is now going to have to call Cousin Vinny to make him some cement shoes. If you get my drift.

Cassl holds it in until Bekt says that next time, AlmostCassl wants to talk about cases. "Next time?"

She gives him that coy little challenge look, all, What, Are You Jealous? So Why Aren't You Throwing Me Over Your Shoulder And Dragging Me Off To Your Lair And Throwing Me Down Onto Your Bed And Ravishing Me Till I Forget My Own Name? Because That Might Fix Things.

Irish walks up, and oh sweet mother of pearl, I love that sweater more than I should. Irish tells us Swimmer's prints match a car stolen in Queens two weeks ago. Ruh Roh. Cassl suddenly remembers how they found a bloodpressure cuff and dental pick at Swimmer's apartment; those can be used to break into cars. Huh. So instead of a real job, SwimmerBoy was stealing cars to pay tuition, rent and books. So much for St. Aquaman.

Commercials.

Murderboard. We review: Swimmer was a car thief. Bekt SuperThinks, and let's face it, she must be smart, because her hair is big and therefore FULL OF SECRETS. "Maybe he boosted the wrong car and got in trouble with the people he was working with." "Our lethal Lithuanian, perhaps!" Cassl's delighted. Bekt purses her lips and gives him the BektEyebrow of OK, It Was Funny The First Time And Now It's Just Stupid, So Shut Up And Come Lick Me.

Espo, not picking up on the vastly sexual meaning of BektEyebrow, says Swimmer's best friend from high school has an arrest record for GASP stealing cars!

So after a brief round of We Figured Something Out! Closet Sex, Bekt and my boyfriend head to SwimmerTown, a standard sort of wrong-side-of-the-tracks place. They pass a little shrine to SwimmerBoy. Bekt's all Dude, He Stole Shit, but Cassl's all about the romantic side of the story. He muses as his muse herself checks her phone. "Man born into hardship, struggles to reach for something greater, only he can't escape the demons of his past. It's Oedipus. It's the Godfather. It's the Beverly Hillbillies." He gets a thousand points for stringing those three together.

Bekt kind of semi-giggles, and he's all Oh, So NOW You Think I'm Funny. "No, it's alright, I just got a message." "From who-from Conrad?" Bekt looks up guiltily and CASSLPUPPY IS UP AT ARMS AND HE WILL FIGHT HIM. She pulls the phone away as Cassl tries to read it. "He was just seeing what time I can meet up tonight." "And that made you laugh?" Cassl is not sure what to make of this, because he normally sees her get giggly in bed while they're fooling around because they're so playful and sickeningly cute and ticklish and WHY is she doing this in public?

"Yeah! He's funny!" Bekt doesn't understand why Puppy's so whimpery about this.

They head into a bar to talk to SwimmerFriend, who sort of looks like a buggy-eyed version of that one guy from New In Town, you know, that singer whose name is escaping me right now? Huh.

As a pretty barkeep watches conspicuously, BugEyes tells them he's never seen the sketch, and immediately sees Cassl's watch is too pricey for a cop. So Cassl goes to buy a round for the house – dude, that's kind of awesome – and gets everyone to cheer and toast SwimmerBoy. Bekt talks to BugEyes, and as Cassl hands BarWench cash, she palms him a napkin with the name Jimmy Lennon written on it. Let's all just consider that that lucky woman just got to make physical contact with Nathan Fillion. DAMN YOU BARWENCH.

Espo, on phone with our sexy brunettes of justice, who've stepped outside the bar. And fuck my life with cuteness, they are huddled together to both listen to the phone. What's that you say? "Speakerphone?" What is this "speakerphone" of which we speak? I will tell you. It is an EVIL thing that stops hot brunettes from invading each others' personal space in a decidedly pre-sexual manner. So no, we do not allow speakerphone here.

And remember when he tried to pull this same trick with her during season 1? Remember the cute silent shriek as she pinched his ear?  Now she's totally fine with him inside her bubble. Don't fight me. You know this means they're doing the nasty. You know she doesn't mind anymore because she lets him do bad things to her. All over her. Anytime. Anywhere.

Wow, sorry. I need to not listen to the True Blood theme song.

Oh, right. Plot. Espo says Jimmy Lennon's got a record for all sorts of bad shit. Jimmy Lennon's his American name; he was born in Minsk, so yup, he's our mystery accent man. He owns an auto repair shop. They decide to drop in. Looks skeezy as fuck, yo. And sure enough, the angry Slavic guy promptly stops yelling at some other rando and runs, because they always run, because they are stupid. Sigh.

But as usual, the Bros stop him and Bekt slams him down and cuffs him. She and tells Irish to round up the rando skeezfucks who work there and call the Stolen Cars section of the cops,and Irish gets adorably serious as he waves his cute little Irish gun and yells with his cute little Irish voice. And Cassl, meanwhile, has Cassllook #69, and I think maybe he likes it when Bekt gets rough with people. I think maybe she got rough with him last night. I think maybe he's looking forward to it happening again soon.

Is it just me, or am I maybe going a little overly sexual with how much I'm reading into stuff?

…nahhhhhhh.

Lennon is steadfastly not talking, when Cassl looks around and notices a car with a license plate SWM4GLD.

HEY WAIT A SECOND.

(A hundred fifty points to Ravenclaw for noticing important shit!)

OH MOTHERFUCKER they take the cover off and I just started lusting over it because it's the sexiest retro silver sportscar ever and I would let Richard Cassl do all kinds of bad things to me in that car. I'm not ashamed of it.

Bekt, thanks to the magic of BektPhone, says the car's registered to one of SwimmerBoy's teammates from Connecticut. And, rounding out his wonderfulness, my TV boyfriend finds a thing of steroids in the car…did SwimmerBoy steal it and find the drugs inside?

Commercials.

Interrogation with BugEyes. He says I No Steal That Car! But then he finally confesses, OK, yeah,we stole that car. But we only did it because CTGuy is a rich douche who hated SwimmerBoy for being poor and better than him. So they stole the car after Greenwich spiked Swimmer's food and made him sick but Swimmer won the meet anyway. Found the steroids inside the car, knew Greenwich was using. Asshole. I hate people like that. Don't get me wrong, car theft is bad. But assholes are bad too.

BugEyes says Swimmer was prolly going to turn Rich Douche in for steroid use…but obviously, never got to.

In interrogation, a seriously Too Awesome To Deal With Skeezy Drug-Using Douches Bekt lays one into Rich Douche, his lawyer and his daddy. Fuckin' loser. Back in obeservation, Cassl and Montgumball fangirl over her. Montgumdrop is proud. "She's like a tiger in there. [and in Cassl's bed] I never get tired of watching her." "Me neither." IN A SEXUAL WAY is what Cassl meant to add there. "Seems like Alex Conrad feels the same way."

Cassl gets his hurt puppy expression. DAMMIT JANET.

Meanwhile, Bekt badasses at the skeezy rich guys. Rich Douchey Kid tries to tell Bekt he has no recollection of talking to anyone about drugs (translation: yep, he used them) and OMFG I DIDN'T DO IT. Bekt gives him the BektLook of Child, You Are So Far Beyond Utterly Fucked Right Now.

Rich Douche alibis out with a DVD of him at the practice pool at his parents' house (could be altered) and testimony from household staff (meh at best). Bekt's not impressed.

Pedeconference back to the solace of the sweet murderboard. Cassl points out that Rich Douche is a pampered bratty little asshole who doesn't do shit for himself. Odds of him going to the trouble of murdering someone? Please. He might chip a nail. Maybe he paid someone?

Bekt asks Irish to check into financials; my sweet Irish hath already done so. After the car was stolen, Rich Douche Kid cashed in a savings bond for $25,000. Uff da, motherfuckers. In trots Espo with a Big Box O' Plot: they found that money, in cash, at BugEyes' place!

BugEyes finally confesses to our sexy brunettes that he was blackmailing Rich Douche about the steroids but SwimmerBoy didn't know. BugEyes pretended to be SwimmerBoy, emailed Rich Douche.

Back to the murderboard for more strength. We briefly review pertinent facts. Onward.

SwimmerBoy's mother comes to Montgomery and demands to know what's up with BugEyes and Rich Douche. Answer?...well, we're not sure.

Commercials.

Conference room with the Four Amigos: Hot Checking Paperwork Action. Rich Douche's alibi holds. Bugger all. Although, it does not explain the fact that he is U, G, L, Y. I'm just sayin'.

…just walk right past it…

Cassl notices that just after BugEyes sent the blackmail message, Rich Douche called his father's office. Huh. Odd. Then the dad made a dozen calls to someone. Espo fires up the typing of JUSTICE to run the number. It's a sports medicine doctor.

In interrogation, Dr. GymClass tells my boyfriend and his lover that I Didn't Give Anyone Steroids. Uh huh. Right. Bekt's all Bitch, I Am SO Not In The Mood For This Because Cassl And I Need This Room For A Little Game We Call Take Me Right Now On This Table. So she threatens to let all Dr. GymClass' high-profile clients know he was called into police headquarters about steroids…

Since confidentiality doesn't extend to Rich Douche Sr., Dr. GymClass says that "hypothetically," DoucheDad might have asked about how long a drug stays in the system and how not to get tested for it.

Outside. Pedeconference. Everyone clusters around BektDesk like a family: Big Sister, Big Sister's mancandy, and her two little brothers. Irish says the drugs seem to match some that were shipped from Romania.

The Bros go to check it out, yo, but up walks a cloud of gloom in the form of AlmostCassl. He's here to fetch Kate. NOT COOL. She steps aside to collect her purse, and Cassl chats with his less epic self. Says aw, too bad you kids are going out. "Well, it's poker night. Lane and Connolly are in town, I thought you might want to join us, but – "

AlmostCassl starts visibly lusting. He babbles a little incoherently; Cassl walks away and counts under his breath three, two, one…and sure enough, AlmostCassl runs off to cancel with poor Kate and tag along after Real!Cassl. Well played, Mr. Cassl. Well played. As Almost skips off, there's creepy fucking music and Cassl watches him. "Oh, yeah…they're gonna love you…" Um…according to that music, they're going to maim and kill you.

CASSLHAUS POKER NIGHT OF LOVE!!!!! Yep. Cassl introduces AlmostCassl to Michael Connolly and Dennis Lane (real-life mystery writers). AlmostCassl fangirls a little, then almost sits in Cannell's chair (NOT OK) and we get a sweet little musical moment for Cannell, but finally we get started.

The guys are all Yay, we have books becoming movies: Lincoln Lawyer, Shutter Island, Heat Wave. Conrad…not so much. Cassl watches, delighted, as his young protegé is flayed and eaten by the wolves. Connolly asks Cassl about the swimmer murder. AlmostCasslpipes up that he thinks it's Girlf. "The girlfriend did it? You're kidding, right?" ZING. "You move through the girlfriend no later than page 50." "Yeah, the 'woman scorned' is like the oldest rodeo clown in the book." Glances at Cassl. "Is he serious?" Awww. They're kicking his ass.

Connolly goes for the kill. "How many books have you written?"

"Just the one."

"And this one book made you like a crime-solving genius." OUCH.

"You know what I did after I wrote my first novel?" Mmm? "I shut up and I wrote 23 more."

Cassl can barely hold in the laughter because THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO SEDUCE MY LOVER WITH DEATHMUFFINS, YOU WHORE.

AlmostCassl now properly shut up, Lane points out that they need to find the person with the biggest secret. Cassl gets his pensive Cassllook #19, Shit Son, The Episode's Ending Soon So I Think I Know Who Did It!

Commercials.

Interrogation with the coach, who brought the steroids over from Romania. Was banking on Rich Douche till Rich Douche started to suck and SwimmerBoy started to rock. Got steroids so Rich Douche would suck less. Douche Sr. was donating millions to the swimming program. Huh. Figures. No one ever helped me cheat. Sucks to not have rich-ass parents, huh?

Swimming complex; two brunettes approach SuperSwimmer. He's wearing a shirt today. Damn. He greets them and asks how the investigation's going. Obviously he doesn't watch TV because that definitely means he's guilty. He used the steroids in his gold medal race, they found a chlorine-soaked shirt in his hotel room that was used to drug SwimmerBoy. Alibi falls apart. SwimmerBoy came to SuperSwimmer for advice; SuperSwimmer knew the truth about his steroids would get out. Might lose his medals, endorsements, etc.

My doves, he is utterly fucked. But he did it to himself.

Back at the 12th, between murderboard and BektDesk. Cassl muses on the fact that SwimmerBoy's mentor was the one who killed him. Bekt's smart. "You know, speaking of mentor – I heard you guys were pretty hard on Conrad last night."

"No, no, it was just a little friendly hazing."

"To hear him describe it, it sounds like someone was trying to teach him a lesson." MY GIRL IS SO SMART.

Cassl scoffs way too loudly. "What? Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you didn't want him to spend time with me."

"That is completely – "

"- true?"

She stares him down…

And CasslPuppy breaks because the piercing gaze of her beautiful eyes renders him utterly helpless. "Yes. Fine. It's true. I'm jealous. There. I said it. I – I want you all to myself, and to have you spending time with another writer? That upsets me! And if – that makes me petty? So be it. Guilty as charged."

He's got this adorable little frustrated pout of cute, because he WUVS HER and he doesn't want her running around with the other little boys on the playground because only HE is allowed to tease her and dip her pigtails in the inkwells and have her write Mrs. Richard Cassl all over her TrapperKeeper. And look at Bekt's face: she thinks it's ADORABLE. Nothing like having two hot guys fight over you and the hotter, richer, more muscular one winning.

[and fyi, Bekt? him wanting you 'all to himself?' that includes Josh too. just so's we're clear]

She smiles. "Actually, I kinda think it's sweet." SHE FUCKING LOVES HIM TOOOOOOOOOOOO. Oh, listen to the background music – that chord change with the suspension in whatever instrument has the melody, making yummy 7th chords? Is it too early for them to have theme music? – because I'm pretty sure that will come back in other episodes. I haven't checked it, but I think it comes back in Knockout.

You know what? Go back and watch this whole scene and pay attention to where the music starts. Robert Duncan sneaks it in with a long high treble note right when Cassl drops the bomb with yes, I'm jealous. It's so remarkably subtle, just kind of sneaks up on you until your whole mind swells with it.

…kind of like love.

Now that my personal paean to Robert Duncan (who also wrote some BALLER music for Buffy as well as lots of other good stuff) is over for now, let's back to the show, yes?

Right. We were mid-scene. "Actually, I kinda think it's sweet." Cassl is surprised. He expected to get chewed out for getting all possessive of her. "You do?" "I do." [FORESHADOWING. I'M CALLING IT FORESHADOWING. TRY TO STOP ME.] "And that's why you don't have to worry about me hanging out with Conrad anymore. From now on, I am a one-writer girl."

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU PLEASE JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY? BECAUSE I AM DYING FROM SWEET.

Cassl gets this pleased satisfied, what-did-I-ever-do-to-deserve-someone-so-wonderful look on his ruggedly handsome face, because let's face it, that was basically I Love You Too, Darling.

But let's go back to funny. "I do feel kind of bad…he is my mentee, after all. He really didn't do anything wrong." Except try to seduce Bekt with vile muffins of darkness.

Bekt says Ah, Don't Worry, He's Fine. Sure enough, up walks AlmostCassl, yakking it up with the Bros. Because time with the Bros makes everyone feel better. Always. Irish says they're taking him on a field trip to Rikers! Oh goody!  It's like Christmas!

And Cassl's nice about it. "Will you still send me your writer's draft?"

"Yes. As soon as I change the killer."

"Girlfriend?"

"Rookie mistake."

He leaves with brief pleasantries to Bekt, and is he gay? – because who the hell walks away from someone that gorgeous and amazing without even a real parting glance? AlmostCassl, I don't understand you. But I'm glad you're walking away. Because you would be attacked by legions of fangirls. You chose wisely. Unlike that one Nazi in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Espo pauses to talk to Puppy. "So – a dude can be a muse, right, Bro? I mean, it's not weird or anything, is it?"

Long pause. Cassl recovers. "No, it's not weird." "No," supplies Big Sister.

Espo trots off dreaming of the upcoming series Detective Caliente. Bekt and Puppy watch him go…

"That's a little weird." "Yeah." They grin at each other, because this whole thing is based on sexual tension and let's face it, there's a reason he's not tailing Lennie Briscoe. Don't get me wrong, I love Briscoe and watch L&O reruns every morning when I'm up early. But Bekt is a stunner and let's face it, this is late season 3, so we all know Cassl's already so in love he'd marry her today if he thought she'd say yes.

The moment turns a little pensive, and they gaze soulfully into each other's eyes before Cassl speaks. "Thank you."

"Always."

There is a long moment of silence, which Andrew Marlowe wisely provided for people like me to go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE because THAT'S THEIR CODE WORD FOR I LOVE YOU, and Bekt finally breaks the soulful gaze and sits at BektDesk, and sure enough, CasslAss goes to CasslChair and all is well in the world because it's SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE.

*flails*

The End.<o:p></o:p>

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:14057 And then I got sucked into iambic pentameter. 2011-09-29T12:59:05Z 2011-09-29T19:28:58Z Speak by He Who Never To complete my Ring cycle of fangirl-type patheticness, I wrote POMES!

Please take into account, I wrote most of them sitting in piano rep class, hurriedly scratching down notes about the Bach partitas and then frantically flipping over to find the perfect rhyme. These are observations mostly of the bridge between season 3 and season 4. We know Kate was up north at her dad's cabin; I'm assuming Castle spent at least some time at the Hamptons.

[First one: read the first letter of each line.]

Suggested soundtrack: Speak by He Who Never.

  Awake

Her breath had slowed, the glassy glare gone. Her
entire world a gasp, the rushing cold.
Swept off to blackness, agonizing blur –
And yet, persistent mem'ry keeps its hold.

In blankness, she awakes. The walls are white.
Dazed but alive, she breathes again, unsure
if anything is steady in the light.
Like silent snowfall, fear begins to stir.

Oblivion she feigns, but though she try
vainly, his words still echo through her heart.
Enough to follow her – they will not die –
yet trembling at the change that they could start.

O why? You'll never know what Always is,
until you follow Always with I'm his.

<o:p> </o:p>

At water's edge<o:p></o:p>

The glittering of waves in summer's flow,
a gleam of shiv'ring twilight running through
the air, the lush deep green in verdant glow
from pale fair dawn to dusk in glooming blue.

The summer sun is ice. I am not warm,
not satisfied. The beauty that I see,
which I'd thought perfect, fades into the storm
against the single place I want to be.

As last you were is everything I see,
with soften'd eyes and words but almost shy.
Though pale and weak, I swear you'd always be
more beautiful than any starry sky.

They lie who say the ocean's endless. True?
It ends at sight, and always lies in you.

<o:p> </o:p>

Letter from the north<o:p></o:p>

I spent the quiet summer nights alone,
the soft dark hum of windy starlit skies.
A million trillion stars, each with its own
bright course, its setting and its gentle rise.

My summer nights were silent, not a voice
evaporating all the blinded sight.
The clouds, the stars, the emptiness; the choice
to fold myself inside the faceless night.

Yet in the silence every night so deep,
your whisper came to me, and I knew why.
I wondered if you knew – you couldn't sleep,
like me, beneath that chilly echo sky.

You never left me, even far away;
your words inside my heart were writ to stay.

Letter to the north

I dreamed of you a thousand thousand nights,
your face surrounded by the summer skies.
Your breath set all aglow the swirling lights,
the stars a pale reflection of your eyes.

You came to me then too, as warm as true,
your hands that traced my soul across its frame
until it almost burst for loving you,
the pieces scattering to spell your name.

Some nights you took my body for your own,
and hot against me, flaring ev'ry sense
till you, your lips, your hands were all I'd known –
your body,flush and smooth and hot and tense,
the tightness filled to gasping, sated groan.
But ev'ry night you came, I woke alone.

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:13629 Superheros, Vol. II 2011-09-28T00:44:31Z 2011-09-28T00:44:31Z (For the inestimable rosie_spleen)

There once was a child named Bob. Bob was a happy child, well-mannered and born to a sweet family. Then Bob's parents were tragically killed in a gun battle over the last piece of cheesecake. Bob grew to manhood, swearing revenge on the pastry devils who had destroyed his perfect life. He took as his symbol that which most frightened him: socks worn with sandals. And he took to the filthy streets, ridding Gotham City BobTown of the scum and filth with which it was polluted.

And Bob became...

ANNOYING MAN

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:13383 Superheros 2011-09-27T13:31:13Z 2011-09-27T13:31:13Z I'm a Lumberjack, and I'm Okay So...last night's episode of superhero LOVE inspired me to design a few of my own superheros. Avengers, step aside. It's time for the League Of Soxie.

I PRESENT:

MS Paint Man

Abacus Man

Ballerinja

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:13121 Today's Poll: NF as Hugmaster? 2011-09-20T23:03:00Z 2011-09-21T00:15:41Z Particle Man O Friends: first and foremost, let us rejoice that Dr. Predictable hath gone and forever.

Now that the dancing and fireworks are over, we move to more serious and pressing issues.

Nathan Fillion as Master of Hugs.

I would like to present the theory that Nathan Fillion gives unbeatable hugs. I believe his arms and chest are shaped in such a way that the aerodynamics of the contour of the musculo-skeletal structure combine with the use of energy, in such directions that the vectors of the forces of oh fuck all, I just think he looks like a gifted hugger. There. I said it.

I believe a Nathan Fillion hug is like rolling through a meadow of flowers, covered in fleece blankets, with a litter of puppies who, instead of barking, sing Italian madrigals while the sun caresses your face and a little stream nearby burbles softly.

So who is with me?

I ask for your opinions. Describe to me what YOU think a Fillion hug is like. I look for the best description. Winner gets...a happy feeling.

Imagine: you in place of this fish.

View Poll: The Fillion Hug Saga
Open to: all, results viewable to: all
What is a hug from Nathan Fillion like?

 <input ... >

<input ... >

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:12991 ...and IT BEGINS (Or, Notes On 4x01: Soxie Tells All In 16 Points) 2011-09-20T12:46:00Z 2011-09-20T12:46:00Z My reaction to 4x01: Holy shit. This shit is intense and I cannot handle it.

My reaction to the last three words of the episode: KJDHGBRIQBFUWOFBNHJGBKJBHEYWVFKOQBNRTEVKJ *needs smelling salts*

Be not afraid, my doves. I have survived Rise. It was touch and go for a while, though. I watched it with my roommate, and while she likes Castle and was actually the one who introduced me to it, she's not half the obsessive fan I am, so I had to hold in the AHHHHHHHHHHH a bit till I could share it with all my fellow insane people fans.

So since I like numbers and I'm good at counting, I will list my thoughts below in convenient numbered format.

In no particular order:

1. LOVED the fight with Josh. Very realistic.

2. Can we just discuss how damn good the Bros look in uniform? Kthx. Because DAMN.

3. POOR CASSL. The man looked heartbroken. I just wanted to hug him.

4. Gates? Um, yeah. Wow. I already disliked her because of 24, but wow. The woman had the nerve to kick out Cassl on the show called Cassl. She is a fool.

5. As usual, Irish and his stock of vests saved me from total mental collapse.

6. OMG THAT PART IN BEKT'S APARTMENT WHERE SHE GOT CHOKED UP. JUST OMG.

7. I think I caught one mistake. When Cassl and the Bros head back to the precinct after the hospital, and the boys are still in their uniforms, there's a shot where you see Irish still wearing his white gloves, but then they cut to another angle and he wasn't wearing them. Can anyone verify this? I'm writing off memory, but I did notice it. I think.

8. Alexis? So far, I'm OK with it. She's understandably freaked because for a moment, she thought her dad had gotten shot, and now her dad - her whole world - is knowingly putting himself in danger and she's scared. She might come across as a little petulant, but so far I follow her and I think it's OK.

9. I LOVE JIM BECKETT SO DAMN MUCH. I JUST DO, OK?

10. I love Bekt much, but I think she was kind of mean to Fire Chief Mustache. I mean, Captain Admiral Chegwidden and his mustache didn't do anything to provoke her attack of crazy. Umm, yeah. I kind of cracked up because shit, son. Admiral Chegwidden. And that mustache.

11. Um, and the psychiatrist? I almost died. Michael Dorn. She's opening her heart up to Worf. She is talking about feelings with a damn Klingon. For some reason I just find that absolutely beautiful.

12. THE LAST THREE WORDS, PEOPLE. THE LAST THREE FUCKING WOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRDSSSS. I mean, I half-thought she'd probably remember, but HOLY SON OF A DAMN HELL FUCKING I JUST CANNOT EVEN WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT. Stana Katic? You are awesome. I almost expected it but the way you said it, it came straight out of left field.

13. I think Nathan Fillion probably gives amazing hugs. This is not specific to Rise. This is just a general observation.

14. And for anyone else keeping track, that is 2 hot guys Bekt has broken up with because of Cassl. Demming and Josh. Do not even try to tell me her breaking up with Josh had nothing to do with her hearing Cassl say I love you, Kate. I'm not even buying that shit so you can put it back on the shelf.

15. And she and Cassl had DAMN WELL BETTER GET TOGETHER. SOON.

16. And all those little axioms of nudge the writers kept throwing in? Come on. "You did what you had to do. Now do what you're supposed to do." "We'll get rid of those walls." "Some things are better not remembered" (or whatever it was). I get it, writers. I understand. Point taken. Still. I expect sex THIS SEASON.

So in conclusion:

^#($&$^%&@($*%^$&(@)@*$^$^#*@(@&^@%$@$!(**&$%^$

*falls back into coma until next week*

 The End.
 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:12592 The Deep Breath Before The Plunge... 2011-09-15T13:33:01Z 2011-09-15T13:36:53Z ...to quote Tolkien.

As we careen down the home stretch towards the night we will all inevitably die from AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGST, I wanted to say hi to everyone. And just remind you guys that I love you much. I have the BESTEST readers in the WORLD and I send all my thanks to you guys. Real life has got me so busy right now I'm not currently working on a recap, but I'll get back to it.

To assuage the lack of recappage right now, I give you this. Eric Whitacre tweeted it and one of my office-mates and I cackled our way through it. Because it is love.

(Click here for the love of Ormie the Pig.)

And I will leave you with a pretty picture of prettiness:

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:12482 Today's Poll: Soxie's Fate 2011-09-06T16:47:46Z 2011-09-06T16:48:51Z Chromatic Fantasy & Fugue, BWV 903 So I have seen the promo for the season 4 premiere, and of course it's just so damn epic. I have now reached the point where I have purposely stopped looking at spoilers for season 4. I have read/seen enough of them already to get a pretty decent idea of what's going to happen, and now, there's enough going on in my life outside of Castle that all these scary tearful shots of Castle running after the gurney with bloody hands is just TOO DAMN MUCH and I am not emotionally stable enough for it. So now I'm waiting (somewhat) patiently for the season to start.

SO!

Considering what we know about the season 4 premiere, what is most likely to happen to me September 19?

View Poll: Effects of Rise on SW
Open to: all, results viewable to: all
4x01, "Rise," will cause Ms. Soxie Whittaker to __________.

 <input ... >fall over and die
<input ... >go into fully comatose state
<input ... >flail, sob, wheeze, gasp, gape, yell, and/or wail hysterically
<input ... >love the show even MOAAARRRRRR
<input ... >all of the above

<input ... >

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:11784 Season 2 Ep. 1, Deep In Death 2011-08-28T20:22:47Z 2011-11-17T15:12:56Z Bailamooooooooos
Thank you magglenagall for teaching me how to manually code LJ cuts! A thousand points to the house of your choice.

I got a request for this episode from the most excellent magglenagall, and let's face it, who doesn't love Russian Hooker Bekt? Why Mattel hasn't created Russian Hooker Barbie, I do not understand. You'd think they'd get on that.

Moral of today's recap: You don't need pants to fight crime.

<o:p> </o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>Season 2 Episode 1, Deep In Death

Previously on Castle:

Season 1 was so damn sexy. But then it ended with Cassl flagrantly disobeying Bekt's orders and looking into her mother's murder. And she was PISSED. And pretty much threw his ass out.

Opening spiel is a celebration of brunette love.

Sexy montage of Manhattan shots to the sexy strains of something I don't recognize. Heat Wave photoshoot at the precinct! GET YOUR SEXY ON. Cassl is in the HOTTEST SUIT he has yet worn on this show (STRIPES OF YUM), and two hooker-type cop chicks are posing with him and they're kind of all enjoying it. Bekt watches, disgusted, her homicidal urges growing stronger as she watches Whore #1 and Whore #2 feel up Cassl in front of her and the entire precinct. And even pull out handcuffs. Um…basically yeah. It's essentially just two really lucky extras taking this once-in-a-lifetime chance to grope every inch of Nathan Fillion.

And don't even try to tell me you're not living vicariously through these two whores. I mean, seriously:

Bekt tries to pay attention to the excited Asian reporter interviewing her for Cosmo, the Bros' favorite periodical, which is what this whole spectacle is about in the first place. She's pretty restrained. Until Cosmo Asian blunders close to death: "I'm told in many occasions, his participation was essential to solving your toughtest cases."

Cosmo Asian just called my girl dumb.

Cosmo Asian is not long for this earth.

Bekt freezes. "Really? You were told that? By who?" [WHOM! Ten points from Gryffindor.]

"By Cassl!" Happy Cosmo Asian. Bekt spies El Capitan nearby and excuses herself politely to go let him have it for letting this whole spectacle happen.

Inside his office, she just lets it out. "Not only does he have the Bachelor Party Cop Twins out there using him as a stripper pole [SHE IS SO DAMN JEALOUS!] while I make nicey-nice with the press, do you know what he said? He said that he has been instrumental in helping us solve crimes."

"Well, hasn't he?"

Bekt Oh, Shit. Awkward silence. "That's not the point."

El Capitan will not be swayed, because JealousBekt is fun to watch and let's face it, we all know Cassl's enjoying being a stripper pole. Hehehe. Pole. Hehehehehe. Uh, anyway, he reminds Bekt that this is really, really good press for the NYPD, which is always valuable, and Mayor Bob has said this interview is important, so we are ALL ON BOARD. "Do I make myself clear?"

BektHuff of FINE. BUT I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

[Oh, it just occurred to me – imagine if they had Bekt and Karpowski in the shoot, instead of the Stripper Twins. I don't think I could handle the amount of love that would be.]

Break room; Stripper Cop #2 grabs a generic soda from the machine and stripperwalks out past Irish, who's in love. "Nice to meet you." She leaves with a smile as Bekt walks in and laughs at Little Irish Bro, who is undaunted. "We should have photo shoots more often."

Espo actually gives Bekt a once-over, and that's weird because she is Big Sister. "Hey Bekt, how come you don't wear a uniform like that?" "Because I don't want to get paid in singles." Are you sure? I mean, Cassl is a wealthy man and he could make it worth your while…he'd be sticking C-notes all over your body…

She refills her coffee cup with liquid strength, the Bros chuckling, when… "Hey!" All three cops look up to find Cassl leaning into the room, looking tentatively at Bekt with Cassllook #70, Uh, Accept Me Please?

There is a pause. The pause, she is uncomfortable. Irish leaps in. "Oh! Hey, uh, don't we have that thing?"

As Bekt tries to mentally plead with the Bros not to leave her alone with Puppy, Espo is a little behind. "No." "Yeah, you know, the thing with the guy?" Wait for it… "Oh! Yeah." And Les Bros skidaddle as fast as possible because they're kind of hoping Bekt will kick Cassl's prettyboy ass.

Now alone, Bekt holds down her fort. Cassl decides to go for the peripheral yet sweet approach: "I just wanted you to know, I had nothing to do with this." Your pants are on fire. Because you are a liar.

He's fumbling, but Bekt's decided to stay calm and give him no help. "You don't have to explain yourself." "Really?" "Really. See? I don't care anymore. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an interview to get back to."

Pert and sassy, our girl badasses out. Puppy follows, whining. "What did I do that was so wrong?" "The one thing I asked you not to do." "Okay, so you asked me not to look into your mother's murder. But look at what I found!" Cassl approaching death now. "It doesn't matter what you found. I put that all behind me a long time ago."

Arriving at BektDesk and Cosmo Asian, Bekt is prepared to resume with the interview, when…the Bros! There hath been a MURDER! Bekt politely apologizes to Cosmo Asian, saying I gots to go look at dead people, when Cosmo Asian perks up again. "Oh, are you kidding? It's perfect. A chance to see Cassl in action? Our readers'll love it."

Bekt pauses halfway through putting on today's Leather Jacket Of Justice – oh. Crimefighting action. Gotcha. That kind of action. For a second I thought you meant – you know what, never mind.

Enter El Capitan. "Well, we wouldn't want to disappoint your readers, would we, Detective?" He gives her the pointed Montgomerystare. Puppy is SO DAMN EAGER and turns to Bekt. She swallows, reminds herself that murdering Cassl in front of her boss will not help her career, and folds.

Off to the scene: dead guy in tree, apparently fell from a nearby building. Huh. Bekt leaps out of the Crown Vic Of Adamance, and Cassl, who was banished to the BroMobile, follows eagerly. "Hey, can we talk about this, please?" "There's nothing to talk about." "Well, just at least let me know what I can do to make it up to you." "You could leave me alone." That would mean No Sex, so nope. "Yes, well, I tried that and it didn't work…I could buy you a pony!"

Bekt can't help but smile a little at that, but holds it back remarkably well. "Focus, Cassl. Crime scene, okay?" Bekt, come on. Cassl just offered to make sure you can take a ride whenever you want one. Don't turn it down. Every woman wants a…pony.

We arrive to find Dead Tree Bob, with Lanie Of Love up on the raised platform thing examining. We all cluster. And stare. And naturally, Cassl talks. "It's raining men." Fifty points to Ravenclaw for correctly quoting the song from Bridget Jones' Diary which played during the hottest British fight scene EVER.

Lanie peers down at them. "Cassl? What're you doing here?"

"Don't worry, we're still mad at him," Bekt Of Badass informs her calmly.

Irish grins at Espo. "Guy in a tree, Mom and Dad bickering…seems like old times." SO MUCH FUCKING LOVE. Excuse me as I pause to write an entire book of five-part madrigals about how much I love and adore Kevin "They're After Me Lucky Charms" Ryan.

Bekt (or "Mom") stays on Plot. "How's it goin' up there?"

Lanie will have none of it. "I got tree branches pokin' my boobs and spotlights shinin' up my booty." Pretty typical Thursday night for me.

"Could be worse," offers Espo. "You could be wearing a skirt." Irish waves up at her.

[Note to self: lobby to enact legislature allowing polygamy so I can marry both of the Bros immediately.]

Lanie glares down at Espo. "When I come down, Imma smack you."

"I'll be lookin' forward to that."

She tosses down the guy's wallet. Up runs Cosmo Asian, who jumps right in. "Is it a suicide?"

"It's not a suicide."

Unison Speaking Sex. Bekt gets this Oh Fuck ALL look on her face halfway through, sort of Fuck all, now Cosmo Asian thinks we're sleeping together. But she grudgingly explains that the building is too short, and Cassl pipes up that a suicide would've aimed for concrete, not a tree. Cosmo Asian nods eagerly. Cassl yammers on that it looks like Bob the Dead Guy was thrown off the building.

Lanie says there are signs of strangulation, but no ligature marks. Cassl again explains to Cosmo Asian that no ligature marks means strangled by hand. Cosmo Asian is love and doesn't realize BektJaw is tensing. "Wow, you really know your stuff! No wonder they like having you around."

Finally, Bekt snaps. Murder is illegal, so she opts to just get Cassl the fuck out of here before she shoots that kissable smirk off his handsome face. So she tells him to go back to the morgue with Lanie and look over the body, and leave the 'boring' police work to the actual cops. The Bros smirk in the background. Puppy just got pwned.

And he knows it. "Fine. But I'm serious about the pony." She can take a ride any day. He means it. He turns to Cosmo Asian. "Come on, I'll show you the…uh…Morgue…mobile."

Bekt and the Bros stay there to do cop stuff. Meanwhile, Lanie kindly lets the Asian sit in the front of the morguemobile, leaving Lanie to join Cassl and Dead Bob in the back. Asian trots off, and Lanie gives Cassl a look of You Fucked With My Best Friend, ManBitch. I Will Cut You. And I Have Lots Of Scalpels.

Inside the morguemobile, Puppy eyes Lanie carefully before attempting a, "Hi."

"Uh-uh. You do not get to say hi to me. I'm just doing my girl a favor."

"Oh, you too, huh?" Duh, Cassl. Women stick together. Chicks b4 dicks, yo.

"Well, what did you expect? Bekt spent the first three years of being a cop trying to solve her mother's murder. It took everything she had to put it behind her. You couldn't respect that?"

"What was I supposed to do, not tell her what I found?"

"What you found?"

Cassl perks up. "Oh, she didn't tell you, did she?" He explains that there were three murders he believes were connected to Johanna's. There's a big picture no one's yet found. Even Lanie's hooked. But she still thinks of her friend. Sisters b4 misters, yo. "What did she say?"

CasslSad. "That we were done. And then she just walked a-"

Unexpected jolt IS UNEXPECTED! Cassl flops off his seat. Car stops with a crunch, back doors fly open, and masked gunmen grab Dead Bob and take him away, leaving a freaked and confused Lanie and Cassl staring at them.

Um – what just happened?

Title page.

Commercials, though I spend the time thinking about how Cassl wants to give Bekt a 'pony' ride.

And precinct. Lanie shines her penlight in Cassl's eyes and pronounces him fine with a sharp flick to the ear. "He'll live."

Irish walks in. "What, no brain damage?" "If he has some, it happened way before tonight and was probably self-inflicted."

Les Bros tell El Capitan Cosmo Asian gave her statement and left. Poor girl was prolly pretty freaked. Espo brings up the big question: "Who would steal a dead body?"

"Oh, plenty of people," Cassl observes calmly. "Uh – organ harvesters, cadaverless med students, Satanists, mad scientists looking to create their own monster – "

Bekt in the background. "Or the guys who killed him might have left some evidence behind."

Cassl considers: No. "Boring. How about a spy, having swallowed a top secret microchip that the enemy forces murder him over before the CIA can get ahold of him." He tops it off with a suggestive eyebrow twitch. Rawr.

"As much as we all appreciate your insightful and incredibly believable theories, Miss Cosmo is gone, so I believe you can go home now." Translation: Get naked. I will join you. And discipline you.

Her fellow cops all laugh because Cassl needs some ice for that BURN. But Puppy protests. No! "This case just got good! And I'm a witness!"

Bekt glances at El Capitan, and much to her chagrin, he gives her no help. She takes a breath to remind herself not to pull out the Glock, and steps into Cassl's personal spacebecause they have no boundaries with each other. At all. "Fine. I will let you work this one case with me, if you promise to leave me alone when it's over, and not to weasel your way back in." Unless you're naked.

"Deal. But fair warning, Detective. I will make you change your mind." Through sex. She likes it when he calls her Detective. It gets really kinky.

And we get a good long up-close eyefuck to start off season 2.

<o:p> </o:p>

"I won't." "You will."

 As I roll over and light up a cigarette, we snap into crimefighting mode. The Bros watch, amused. And Irish forks money over to Espo: Irish didn't think Bekt'd take Puppy back,and bet accordingly. Apparently Irish is unaware that the show is named after Puppy.

Night in Manhattan. Bekt and Cassl go to break the news to Dead Bob's wife that she's now a widow. She's stunned, but carries through. Bob had just gotten back from a training seminar in Albuquerque; he'd been working late, but nothing that had made her suspicious. But there were some phonecalls late at night, some guy Bob had had to lay off who was angry and would call him and yell.

Well, then Mrs. Bob asks to see the body. And it gets awkward.

It must now have gone well. The door shuts behind them and Cassl and Bekt share an eyefuck of That Was Really Uncomfortable. They head to the elevator, Bekt calls Espo to look up Phonecall Guy, and the doors shut and she and Cassl start with the angry sweaty hatred sex.

Casslhaus. Cassl strolls in to get attack-hugged by his daughter. Princess Lex is FREAKED about the idea of masked gunmen stealing the body in front of him. But Cassl didn't tell her about it… "How did you know?" "Bekt called."

"Really…" Aww. Martha joins them. "She just wanted to let us know you were alright." Cassl gets that Ohhhhh, She's Totally Going To Forgive Me And Tear My Clothes Off smirk.

CasslLadies follow Sir Cassl into his study. Has Bekt forgiven him? asks Martha. Well…no. But she's letting him work the case, which is a good sign. "She may have built a wall between us, but I am going to – build a door. In that wall. Or put up a ladder. Or…dig a hole."

"You have a strategy?"

"Be my usual charming self."

"Aha." Martha's not convinced. "What about plan B?"

Hmm.

Princess Lex asks about the bodysnatching trauma. Cassl says he was scared, but they only wanted the body. She asks about seeing Fame with her boyfriend, and dances off. Martha laments the decline of Hollywood. Cassl fangirls Ryan Reynolds. All is well.

The next morning: La Precinct. Phonecall Guy, a total nerd, paces anxiously in interrogation. Bekt, my boyfriend and Espo watch from observation. And because CasslSuit yesterday was striped, BektShirt today is striped. Because they do stuff like that. Because they're sekritly in luuuurrrrve. We watch, incredulous, as Scary Phonecall Guy pokes nervously at the intercom system. I think I could take this guy. No way he threw someone off a roof.

Bekt and Puppy enter interrogation and Phonecall Guy looks more nervous. Doesn't know why he's here. Is nerdy. Is sad to hear about Bob's death (they were cubicle neighbors). Phonecall Guy is very open about how angry he was at being let go from Dilbert Inc., but in a surprising twist, it turns out he and Bob were both let go. On the same day. Phonecall Guy found another job. Bob didn't.

Um – what?

Back out to the bullpen. The Bros and Cassl approach BektDesk with offerings of Plot. Espo says yep, Bob was let go. Irish says no record of any trip to Albuquerque. We're wondering where he got money, when BektPhone rings. They found Bob's body! Again.

And thar he be. Hey there, Bob. His body is lying on the ground in some random place, and Lanie tells us that someone cut him open and removed all his organs. Ewwwwww. Yucky. And when Lanie pulls back the sheet to show them, the Scooby gang even recoils, because damn.

And Cassl, again, feels the need to speak. "Somebody hated his guts." Not your best work, Puppy.

It gets a full-on BektLook of Cassl, I Swear To God, If You Don't Stop Talking…

Commercials.

Morgue. Lanie tells us Bob was sloppily cut open by non-surgeons. What were they looking for? Looks like he was a drug mule; Lanie found traces of cocaine. Sigh. Bad life choice, Bob.

Cassl points out: How does rando Dilbert-Bob, no history of drug use, quiet middle-class with good family, just up and become a drug mule? How would he even know where to begin? He's got a point. It's a bit of a jump. Meanwhile, he is getting a mild death look from Bekt and Lanie, who are just so damn wonderful.

Lanie says cause of death was, indeed, strangulation. There are fingerprints on his neck. But only nine; the killer apparently doesn't have a left pinkie or didn't use it in the killing process. And Cassl gets yet another attack of Can't Stop Talking. "Maybe he's fancy. Strangled people with his pinkie sticking out."

PuppyFail. It gets the following reaction:

Translation: We Will Rock Paper Scissors For Who Gets To Shoot You For That.

Back to the precinct. Espo says Bob was in Mexico, not NM. Irish, sensing my need for a dose of cute, comes to report that Bob's financials indicate he was in dire straits (i.e.: he was desperate enough to become a drug mule). And ooh la la, Cassl is sporting a hint of scruff today…I deduce that he overslept this morning because Bekt kept him awake into the wee sma's last night with a round of nasty, sweaty, angry, headboard-cracking, profanity-screaming handcuff hatred sex.

But that's just my guess.

Morgue: Lanie, manipulating a bloody glove they found at the scene to get them a fingerprint from inside it. Hot damn are we CSI'd up in this bitch.

Cassl intrudes in her space because he's like that. "You want me to put on some music? Whenever they do this kind of thing on CSI, they always do it to music. [She glares at him]  Kind of reminds me of porn."

Bekt leans in from her seat nearby. "Zip it, Cassl." ZING.

Yup. We have a fingerprint. Hundred points to Hufflepuff for beating Gary Sinise at his own game.

Fingerprint matches a no-good motherfucker on parole. I sense a bad day for him. We see him and a bunch of other motherfuckers with the bloody cocaine bags, measuring it and putting into bottles and stuff, and then BLAMMO! Smoke grenade crashes through the window and POLICE BREAK THE FUCK IN WITH GUNS AND SHIT! Serves them right.

Commercials.

We return to find a defense attorney trying to convince Bekt to go easy on these guys in exchange for information. I personally think that smashing their faces into the table repeatedly would be a good start, but Bekt just gives the lawyer a Bitch, I Will Fuck Them Up To The Extent I Deem Appropriate look.

Questioned independently, the motherfuckers provide the following story: they waited for this drug mule, but Bob didn't show. So they went to find him, but discovered the police clustered around Bob up in the tree. Waited for the morguemobile to leave, grabbed the body, you know the rest.  Bekt wants to know who brought Bob to them: who vouched for Bob to them, said he was trustworthy as a drug mule?

The connection seems to have been some other insurance guy, so the Bros head out to pick him up. Cassl follows Bekt back to BektDesk.

Conference room, with DrugFriend. He tries to liken Bob to Willy Loman – okay, three points for citing classic American drama, but minus two thousand points for being involved in drugs at all. You're a motherfucker too. DrugFriend is clearly a user, too. And doesn't even try to deny it when they say oh btw, we know what you did.

DrugFriend says Bob got the idea from him over a poker game. And after being laid off, Bob tried to gamble his way into the money he needed. Started playing in Chinatown for more money, at the mob-run poker games. Yikes. Lost too much to the wrong guy, needed money fast, and bam, decided to be a drug mule. All we know is it was a tattooed Russian mobster.

Murderboard. We need to find a tattooed Russian. Cassl's all, let's just go to the poker games! Espo's all, dude, it's not like they send the NYPD a save-the-date. But Cassl's all, I'm not a cop! The Bros are all for it; Bekt is not. She secretly doesn't want him to die, after all. Points out that they'd have to find the game. And doncha know, Cassl knows someone who knows someone…

Poker night at Casslhaus. Stephen Cannell, Michael Connelly, and some pretty brunette, no idea who she is. Connelly's all, I saw that drug mule thing a mile off. Well played, sir. Cassl asks Cannell and Connelly, who've written about underground poker, how to get into it. Oooohh…getting into danger. Both Cannell and Connelly caution him against it, but Cassl shan't be swayed. He'll do anything to impress Bekt at this point.

And we're off to Chinatown in a surveillance van that even I recognize as a surveillance van. Sigh. Fail on the subtlety, yo. Espo puts the finishing touches on Cassl's button camera, which is sort of the male equivalent of a boobcam. They can hear him; he can't hear them. This is not good. The plan: Cassl goes in, finds the tattooed Russian, gets a clear picture of him, and gets his pretty ass out. Bekt says You Do NOT Stay Longer Than You Need To, You Do NOT Do Anything Profoundly Stupid, And You Do NOT Try To Turn This Into Casino Royale. Do I Make Myself Clear? Somehow I feel he's going to disobey at least one of these things, but she lets him go anyway.

As he walks out and sexily tousles his hair, you can hear the Castle theme played backwards in electric guitar á la James Bond, informing us that yes, he is going to do something profoundly stupid. Sorry Bekt. ButI think you alread know that.

And back in the van, Bekt scrunches her shoulders uncomfortably. "Anybody else have a bad feeling about this?" Both Bros immediately raise their hands.  I'm raising my hand too.

Cassl strolls into an alley that looks like the perfect place to get raped and stabbed and shot and beaten and eaten, [Bekt's watching, chewing her fingernail] but he heads up, gets past the two grumpy-looking bouncers and the random old Asian guy sitting nearby, and what do you know, he's in.

 That's what she said.

Sorry.

POKER! [I BARELY KNOW HER!] Um – yeah. Dubious-looking room full of dubious-looking people playing poker. And isall excited until he realizes that basically every guy in the room is a tattooed Russian. Including a whole table full of tattooed Russians. Ah fuck.

Commercials, comrades.

And back to Chinatown to find a Russian among the other Russians. Cassl, who has now procured a drink, looks back into the room full of poker tables, ventriloquist-mouth-talking through his AwkwardCam. Says the barkeep or whatever told him the table of tattooed Russians play a no-limit table, where Bob used to play. they play a rough and brutal game.

And his audience, back in the van outside. "You think he has any idea he's recapping a conversation that we just heard in its entirety?" Oh Irish. I love you.

Espo sighs. "Give the guy a gadget, and he thinks he's Bond." I think Cassl always thinks he's Bond. I think Cassl has stealthed through Casslhaus singing the 007 theme music.

As the Bros bicker, Bekt's listening to Cassl's dirty talk. "…what kind of trouble I can stir up." Oh no. He heads for the pissed-off-looking Russian table. Bekt watches in disbelief. "What did he say?" "He just said he's – " "That's not the plan. That's not the plan, Cassl!" If she could leap through the camera, drag his ass out and slap him, I think she would. All she can do is fume and watch through his AwkCam as he cheerfully ignores every damn thing they told him about this op.

Cassl cheerily sits CasslAss in the conveniently empty chair and beams at all the pissed-off Russians. They start to warm up when he drops tens of thousands in cash on the table. Motherfucker, if I had that kind of money to throw around…

Bekt yells at the camera. Puppy, your ass is grass and she's the lawnmower.

Cassl continues to piss off the Russians. One of them, though, turns out to be a Derek Storm fan. So there's that. He explains that he's writing a new one, about underground poker. Meanwhile, Bekt is rolling her eyes. Ha. He tells them he wants the book to be authentic. The Russians chatter in Russian and chuckle, and Cassl chuckles along because he has no fucking idea what they're saying.

Espo doesn't either. "Looks like he's making friends." "They just said they're gonna take him for everything he's got." Espo turns to Bekt. "You speak Russian?"

[Funny because Stana Katic doesn't (she speaks French, Italian, and Slovenian). But Seamus Dever does speak Russian.]

"Semester in Kiev, between junior and senior year." [Do you call a summer term a 'semester?' I normally don't.] "Sometimes, ven I em bort, I go to Golecha Café in Leetle Odessa and pretend to be Muscovite." I LOVE RUSSIAN BEKT.

Espo stares. "Now that's kinda hot." No. Bad Espo. That is incestuous. Stick with Lanie. Big Sister belongs with my boyfriend.

Back to Russian poker. Cassl employs the awkward overly-wide stretch to ensure the AwkCam gets footage of the players' hands. Sigh. Even Timothy Dalton is a better Bond than him. Remember, it was a nine-fingered bruise pattern.

Middle pissed-off Russian asks about the new book. Cassl says it's about a card-playing Russian mobster who lures in desperate people…yeah, he basically recaps the case up to this point to draw out the killer. Very subtle, Mr. Cassl. Bekt and the Bros watch, incredulous, as Cassl basically tries to piss off a Russian mobster who killed someone. I ask you: does this sound wise? At all? No. I didn't think so.

[Meanwhile, Bekt and the Bros see one of the pissed-off Russians twisting his little finger and realize it's a fake. That's our guy.]

Well, we need to extract Puppy before he gets himself killed, but the security's tight and they can't go in as cops without starting a firefight. Bekt snaps into action and calls for her purse. Espo hands it to her. "What are you gonna do, lip gloss 'em to death?"

"Something like that."

SHE STRIPS DOWN! Our girl steps out of the van and starts stripping, right there in the alley. And what do you know, she's wearing a bright red bra. Excellent. There's something so cool about dressing plain and professional, but knowing deep down that underneath your clothes, you're a sex kitten –  am I right? And I was wearing a red bra the day my (extremely hot) orchestra director accidentally walked into the ladies' dressing room and saw me shirtless. I am therefore calling this a lingerie shoutout to Soxie. Don't fight me on it. Just let me have this one, okay?

Off with the shirt, off with the pants, back on with the big cardigan and the belt and she tousles her hair into sexiness, pulls the heels back on, and prepares to do battle. She then struts off, having just taught us all a valuable lesson:

How To Become A Russian Hooker

1. Remove pants

2. Russian hooker!

Now that I know what I'm doing for Halloween this year (I can take my pants off like a PRO!), let's follow our girl into the forests of the night, shall we?

(Quick glimpse of Cassl at the poker table, lots of Russians, and one of them has a gun. Ruh Roh.)

Commercials. Though none of them advertise a Russian hooker outfit. I find that odd.

And back again: Comrade BektWhore stomps it to death on her way to the poker game, and the big burly guys stop her. Notice how that same old Asian guy is there, but looks a lot more interested in Bekt and her red bra than he did in Cassl. She eyes the bouncers and wheedles them with a Russian accent. "Oh, come on, boys. My boyfriend is waitinG. He is player. If I don go inside, he wul lose. I'm a lucky charm, you know?" Asian bouncers are not thoroughly impressed, so she goes for the kill. "No? Well – maybe I can be a lucky charm for you? We win – and when I am in there, we always win – and maybe I can share some of my boyfriend's 'luck' – wit chu."

She fixes him with BektBedroomEyes, and coupled with the flash of BektLingerie, she'll get anything she wants.

Inside, Cassl and the Russians face off over the table. Everybody goes all in. Blonde Russian puts down three queens. BUT CASSL HAS AN INSIDE STRAIGHT. DO SVIDANYA, MOTHERFUCKER. He grins and hands the girl the chips to be cashed.  Well done, sir.

Cassl goes to leave, and Scary Pinkie Russian follows him and presses a gunt o his ribs. Ah shit. Can't a guy win some poker in this town without getting a bullet in his torso?

Scary Russian pushes him into a kitchen and demands to know how Cassl knows about the whole Dead Bob roof thing. WHO DO YOU WORK FOR? – Cassl says I'm just a writer! – and Scary Russian doesn't believe him. "Do not lie! You a cop!"

"Chim, a cop? Don make me laugh. Che's barely even a man."

Katerina Bekevna struts in, Russian accent pretty damn good, bra proudly showing, glaring at Cassl with a look of I Am Only Helping You Because The Script Says I Have To. Cassl and Scary Russian both stare. But Cassl, even at gunpoint, manages a quick round of elevator eyes, because SHIT SON, SHE IS NOT WEARING PANTS. "Bekt?"

"But you are man, aren't you? A very…chindsome man. Richard, are you boddering dis chindsome man?"

She leans into him, and even seconds from death, Cassl is obviously really, really into this little kink. But Scary Russian will have none of it. "Go away!"

"Okay! Boys and their guns. Am I supposed to be impressed?" Only if 'guns' is a euphemism, dear.

"It doesn't concern you."

"Actually…it does."

WHAMMO! She takes down Scary Russian with like two moves because she is a BADASS, grabs his gun and forces his head down to a table, training the gun on his skull. Cassl watches, really, really glad Russian hookers don't wear pants. "Is it just my imagination, or did you change?"

"Cassl, could you get some backup, please?"

"Yeah! yeah."

Cassl takes a good, long look at her backside, where I am guessing her sweater has ridden up and he is drinking in the beauty of Bekt's Ass, before darting off to go get help, burning the image of Hooker Bekt into his permanent memory bank.

And dawn over Manhattan. Precinct. Bekt walks out of the conference room with Dead Bob's widow. Bekt has unfortunately abandoned the Kremlin Whore disguise and donned pants and a brown sweater, with such a damn low neckline that if she had boobs, it'd be inappropriate, but she doesn't, so it's fine.

Cassl takes a deep breath to prepare himself. Bob's widow leaves and Bekt comes over to join Cassl at BektDesk. And is it just me, or is it kind of cool that pissed off as she's been at him, CasslChair is still in its proper place? Huh.

He asks about the widow, who just found out that her husband was a drug mule and desperate gambler. Bekt's got a worn look. "It's hard. When everything you thought you knew turns out to be a lie." But Cassl tries to cheer her up: Bob really did love her. "Sometimes we do the wrong things for the right reasons." GIANT ASS DOUBLE MEANING ALERT.

She cheers up a little, says the Cosmo story gets a happy ending.

"Speaking of happy endings – "

SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX

Bekt looks like her mind is going the same place mine is, but sadly, Cassl's not on the same page. "- thanks for saving my life." Dressed as a hooker.

"Ah, I was just trying to avoid paperwork." And sometimes it's just fun to not wear pants. Try it. At work, maybe.

Cassl's too happy to quibble. "We make a pretty good team, you know. Like Starsky and Hutch. Tango and Cash. Turner and Hooch." "You know, now that you mention it, you do remind me a little of Hooch." ZING. Ten points to Gryffindor.

And I see some resemblance:

Cassl thinks he's back in…but though I think Bekt has almost forgiven him, he is missing one key ingredient…

He dives right in: "It's because you're afraid, isn't it?" She's afraid of getting sucked into her mother's murder again. "But it's different this time. We have good leads. We have strong leads. And you won't have to do it alone." Still not quite on the mark, Cassl. BektFace gets very still. She's holding it in. "We can do it together."

Finally, Bekt breaks her silence. Very tensely. "What if I don't want to know? Did you ever think of that? What if I'm not ready? What if the idea of catching my mom's murdere and then having to sit there and watch as he cuts some deal that puts him back out on the street in ten years makes me nauseous?" CasslFace falls. He didn't think of that. This goes a lot deeper than he realized. "You dredged up my past for you, Cassl, not for me. And you're too selfish to even see it. The case is closed, Cassl. We made a deal. And I expect you to honor it."

OUCH.

She's justified, though. No one can argue with her. So Cassl gives her one last longing look, gets nothing, and slowly stands and leaves.

Casslhaus, CasslStudy. Cassl typing on CasslComputer. Enter Princess Lex. She's happy to see him writing, but sad to see that Bekt wouldn't take him back. But she has drama of her own. She is miffed because Owen totally forgot about them going to see Fame and then tried to blow it off, act normal, like it wasn't a big deal. Lex now doesn't understand boys. "Why do boys do that? Why do they always have to justify everything? Why can't they just say they're sorry?"

CasslLightbulb. HE GETS IT.

He hugs Lex, who just saved the day.

Back to the precinct, where Bekt is still queen of BektDesk. She senses a tall, sexy presence. She looks up. Three guesses who it is.

"I'm sorry." I AM IN LOVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND. "What I did was wrong. I violated your trust. I opened old wounds, and I did not respect your wishes. And if we're not going to see each other again, then you deserve to know – I'm very, very sorry."

Bekt just stares, face blank. No snark. Good sign.

Cassl done spoke his piece, so, getting no reaction from Bekt, he turns and walks away. She watches him, and just look at our girl. She looks a little flustered. Cassl just hit the nail on the head, folks.

He's almost out the door…

"Cassl?"

He turns…

"See you tomorrow."

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!

And a smile crosses his face as he walks away, because she really means tonight and the makeup sex is going to be earth-shattering.

The End.

 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:11742 Today's Poll: Castle's Papa! 2011-08-28T14:28:17Z 2011-08-28T14:28:17Z I'm My Own Grandpa, Barleen Family Singers These are the men I find most likely to have sired our rugged hero. Which one do you think is the lucky fellow?

View Poll: The identity of Castle's Dad!

Alternatively, let's hear your best guesses!!
 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:soxie_whittaker:11317 Season 3 Ep. 4, Punked 2011-08-26T20:41:15Z 2011-11-17T15:13:45Z One Last Wish, James Horner I was little bit resentful at the noticeable lack of Ashton Kutcher in this episode, in spite of its title, but I got over it quickly when I saw Cassl in the robot arm costume. And all the old-ass guns.

 Season 3 Episode 4, Punked

Central Park.

Morning.

Two Ringwraiths approach on horseback through the chilly pale dawn.

DEAD BODY IN HIS BOXERS.

Never mind, they're mounted police. Good. I was about to throw on my Elvish invisibility cloak.

Oh yuck, gunshot. Bad fuckin' day for you, buddy.

AND Casslhaus, where Cassl seduces me with the irresistible picture of a hot guy cooking. He is cooking the infamous 'Smorelette,' a s'more inside an omelette, and as much as I love my boyfriend, that sounds disgusting. Martha wisely says No Thanks, Lex is zoned out and doesn't realize what she's eating till she takes a bite and promptly spits it out into her napkin, a horrified look on her face. "Are there marshmallows in this?" "Yes!" "And chocolate?" "Yes! That's the point. It's a smorelette."

Princess Lex decides Dad is clinically insane and runs off to grab her schoolbag. Cassl munches the smorelette. "This is almost as good as my chocolate mousse chimichanga." SO FUCKING GROSS. Cassl, please stick to what you're good at, giving Bekt things. Like coffee. And pastries. And nesting dolls. And sex.

Lex reappears. Cassl thinks he's vindicated. "Aha. I knew you'd reconsider. It's kind of like David Hasselhoff; at first you're repulsed, but then, strangely, you're drawn in." "No, still repulsed." Lex is correct in both situations.

Lex leaves for school, leaving Cassl to wonder why she's off in LaLa Land. Martha and her pink leopard print pajamas are smug. "Isn't it obvious? She's in love." Cassl thinks Martha's wrong, but Martha says nope, she mentioned there was a boy…and Cassl is stunned that his beloved daughter is keeping this from him. From him, the 'cool dad.' Awwww. Poor PapaCassl. [I can't sympathize; my dad is the most hopelessly uncool oaf ever. He owns his own pocket protector. My dad is still epicly awesome, though.]

He pouts. "I can't believe she told you and not me. I'm supposed to be her go-to guy." Martha tries to comfort him, but he maintains The Pout Of Cute. And am I really the only one who wants to kiss it away? Am I, ladies?

And Martha explains the cardinal rule of young love: "It defies logic." This has been: the gospel according to Martha.

CasslPout continues to seduce me with adorable.

CasslPhone rings, but Cassl is too busy pouting. He's been taking cuteness lessons from Irish, I guess. They're paying off. Martha looks at the phone. "Oh! Bekt. Maybe it's a nice murder, darling. Brighten your day." Or sex. It might be that.

Sure enough, his mouth curls into a smile and he picks up the phone. "Cassl."

The Park Of Centralness. We open on our Duo Of Sexy Brunetteness trekking towards Dead Underwear Guy, post-coital coffee firmly in hands, as Cassl vents about the whole why didn't Lex tell me she's in love? thing. He's all, I've Been There For Her All Her Life! "Even her first word – " "Let me guess," Bekt jumps in. "Daddy?" Ooh, yeah. Call him Daddy, Bekt. He likes that.

Fuck, I have issues...

"No, it was 'denouement.' I stressed story structure from an early age." A thousand points to Ravenclaw. [If you're wondering, a denouement is the close of the story, the post-climax where the novel settles back down before ending. Like that adorable scene in the back of the ambulance at the end of Knockdown.]

Bekt tells him she doesn't think Lex is going to abandon him (Bekt's right. Lex adores her dad). "Your real problem is that girls who adore their daddies usually end up marrying guys just like them." BA-ZING.

With my boyfriend properly pwned, Bekt moves on to a dose of fresh Plot. They reach the body, where Lanie is making my life better just by being here. Lanie is feeling sassy this morning. "How come you guys never bring me coffee? I'm here before you, doing all the work." Cassl looks faintly guilty. "You can have the rest of mine." "Actually, I don't drink coffee. But would it kill you to bring me a bear claw?" Lanie is LOVE and gets a hundred points for Hufflepuff because I don't drink coffee either.

Amused Bekt brings us all back to Plot. I linger a moment to admire how great BektHair looks today, and then I grudgingly follow. Single GSW, large caliber. Died around midnight. CasslAha! "Hey! I have those boxers! Thomas Nash. Very pricey, British brand." [Bekt and Lanie share a glance of Dear God Save Us] "Amazingly soft as silk." Bekt shoots Cassl a look of How Long Have You Been Waiting For An Excuse To Tell Me About Your Underwear? He gets uncomfortbable. "Just saying he was probably very comfortable when he was…shot and killed." And a failure on the dismount for Team CasslPuppy.

Bekt asks Lanie So, Almost Naked Guy In Park? WTF? Lanie says the guy was stripped after he was shot. Enter my darling morning Bros, who found his wallet. And Irish saves the day. "Photo on the license matches Captain Underpants here." FIVE THOUSAND POINTS to Hufflepuff. Hufflepuff is doing well today. Bekt just shoots him a look. "Sorry. My nephew loves those books." Right. Your nephew. Uh huh.

Captain Underpants is a 25-year-old financial firm guy named Daniel Goldstein. Bekt sends the Bros off to do police-y stuff so Cassl can continue to verbally sexually harass her, but it's not harassment because she likes it. "So I wear boxers. What do you wear?" She shoots him a wicked look but doesn't take the bait, just sashays off. "Thong? Cheekies? I told you mine! Bloomers? Granny panties?" His eyes get big. "Commando?" Lanie just shoots him a look of WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING? JUST GO AND HAVE SEX WITH HER ALREADY.

Sky shot of Manhattan informs us the next scene will be somewhere else. And what do you know, we're back at the precinct. Bekt and Cassl talk to Goldstein's sister, who's very upset. She says her brother was a brilliant math-y workaholic, very quiet-living, no enemies that she knew of. Irish pulls them out to say they got a fingerprint match from Goldstein's wallet.

Interrogation. Bekt interrogating what looks like a cross between the Hulk, Old Man River and Santa. Cassl openly stares in terrified fascination. HulkSanta is a general all-around bad guy who bites and gouges out eyes. Uff da. He glares at ScaredPuppy. Doesn't say anything. But he owns an unregistered .45. And apparently he tried to put Espo through a wall when the Bros came to bring him in for questioning.

Cut to observation, where Espo is in a neck brace. OH NOES! Irish tries to comfort him. "You know, the right turtleneck – and no one's even gonna notice, Bro." IrishFail. "Maybe a scarf." He attempts the BroShoulderPat of Bro-itude. Espo shoots him down.

Meanwhile, in interrogation, HulkSanta says Panties Goldstein was already dead, so he took the wallet. Bekt doesn't believe him. Nor does Cassl, who suggests Maybe You Should Think Up A Less Shitty Story. HulkSanta glares and STANDS THE FUCK UP and Cassl jumps back against the mirror like a little girl. Even though there's a table between them, Bekt will save him, and HulkSanta is cuffed. Whatevs. Dignity is overrated in CasslWorld. Bekt just stares back at her sexual slave with an eyeroll of Well, Okay, I Guess You Left Your Balls At Home Today.

Outside, Puppy trailing after Bekt, and the Bros come out of observation. Espo wants HulkSanta's big scary ass skewered and grilled for the crime of injuring a Bro. Bekt says no problem, as soon as Lanie says the bullet is a .45.

Morgue. "It's not a .45." Ladies and gentlemen, meet Lanie Parrish, purveyor of fine Plot. It's not a modern bullet. This one's round, not bullet-shaped, and coated with lead oxide (rust).

And Lanie drops the Plot Bomb: "That bullet is 200 years old."

HOLY OLD-ASS BULLET, BATMAN!

BektStare of WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF? But Puppy is all over this shit, yo. "A 200-year-old bullet can only mean one thing: time-traveling killer." Ladies and gentlemen? My boyfriend, the manchild. He goes for a high five but Lanie just walks away. So does Bekt.

DE-

- wait for it –

-NIED. DENIED.

Title page. And commercials.

DING. After a rousing bout of elevator sex, Cassl and Bekt exit L'Elevator, Cassl wildly excited about his time-traveling shooter theory. Dear Lord. He's like a sixth-grader. And Robert Duncan even gives us mock-serious music. "- Ergo, the killer could have entered different time through a time ripple, killed Goldstein, and gone back through the time ripple. Which means we just have to find the time ripple." Bekt, normally immune to Puppy's outbursts of insanity, finally snaps. "Could you please stop saying 'time ripple?'" Why, Bekt? Does it make you hot?

Cassl: "Yeah…sounds kinda dirty, doesn't it?" Yes. Yes it does. Which is why I like it.

Bekt writes on the murderboard to restore her inner balance, and Cassl blithely continues. "If the ripple closed…a time machine! We need a time machine!" I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM. Bekt snarks at him, because he is more ADD than usual today, and that's saying something. Bekt says HulkSanta might be the killer. Cassl's all HulkSanta Didn't Do It, He's Not A Time Traveler.

Enter sweet Irish, and those chest pockets on his shirt are two new reasons to love him. His lavendar tie makes three. "It can't be a time-traveling killer. The bullet had 200 years of rust on it. If the killer had beena time traveler, the bullet would've been brand new." Okay, so Irish speaking is reason #4 to love him SO DAMN MUCH.

"Unless time travel causes rust – "

"- on your brain." Bekt has had enough and she needs sex now. Irish says Sister Underpants has no idea about the antique bullet thing, but they've brought in an antique gun specialist to give them more info.

Antique gun specialist says this .45 is not the smoking gun, so to speak. It hasn't been modified. This 'bullet' is actually just a lead ball, and it would've been fired by an 18th century flintlock or something similar. Unfortunately for our intrepid duo, old-ass guns like that don't have to be registered; they're collectibles. So…yeah. Old-ass gun.

Outside, poor stalwart Espo asks if HulkSanta is the perp…Bekt says No, it's an old-ass gun, not a .45. Sorry, yo. HulkSanta must have just had a bad smoothie this morning. El Capitan assures them he'll get the maximum groinpunch of the law for assaulting one of my Bros. El Capitan offers Espo some time off. "You could catch some movies – " "Read Naked Heat!" pipes Cassl. BektGrin, because there is NEKKID in that book. About her. But Espo declines. He's a badass Bro, yo.

Let's go over to the murderboard, shall we? Okay then. Irish tells Big Sister they haven't found Boxers McDead's clothes yet. Bekt grouses. Why'd the killer take the clothes? Cassl naturally has a plausible answer. "Maybe the killer came through the time ripple naked, and needed the clothes." Bekt just stares. "Like in The Terminator." Is it just me, or between the nakedness and the underwear thing, is Cassl a little horny today?

Bekt stares for a few more seconds, then finally admits, "Sadly, I don't have a better theory at this point." Cassl and Espo perform a celebratory Feed The Bird. Bekt tells the Bros to track down antique gun enthusiasts. She and Cassl will have The Sex, then go do something else police-y. Cassl fiddles with his phone [STILL not a euphemism] as he follows her to the elevator. Bekt muses aloud, trying to figure out the case, and Cassl just stares at his phone. She realizes he's completely not listening and eyes him suspiciously. "Maybe giant moths killed him and then ate his clothes." I like it. CasslMumble. "Could be…" She snaps him out ofhis PuppyDaze. He says he's waiting to see if Alexis has called or emailed. He's still hung up over her not telling him she's in luuuuuuurve. Bekt just chuckles.

Then Cassl's all, Ima Call Her. "NO! No!" Bekt grabs his phone. And sadly, it's still not a euphemism. She tells Cassl to let Alexis do this her own way, tell him when she's ready. For long ago (not really), in the land of BektBackstory, teenaged Bekt was pestered by PapaBekt in this very same way, and verily, she did plight her troth elsewhere, and date a smelly grunge rocker for seven months because of it. Ewwww. I hate guys who smell.

"You do not mess with a teenage girl and her hormones." TRUTH.

Puppy grumbles but obeys her, as he always should. They enter the elevator. Cassl looks thoughtful. "Did you say something about a giant moth?" "No." TWENTY POINTS FOR SEXY SASS!

Elevator doors close and they start stripping. I have decided. Every time they go into the elevator, it is for The Sex. Why else would the elevator be so prominent? It is a Sex Elevator. I have decreed. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Now off to the Underpants Financial offices. Dead guy's boss says WTF underpants antique guns park? Says Goldstein left at 9:30 last night. In comes Goldsteins' trembling little blonde assistant; my gentlemanly boyfriend immediately leaps up to help her with the tray of waterglasses. She and Boss say that there were some unhappy callers about the "Lowertide Fund," a financial product Goldstein had created that went bust. Investors lost millions. People were PISSED and blamed Underpants. Bekt asks for a list of unhappy investors, copies of phone messages, etc.

Back to the station, where the Bros are trying to match antique gun owners with losing investors. They and El Capitan lust over the gorgeous old guns. Old-school guns were beautiful. Irish even spouts poetry. "They're like little sculptures. That can kill." And BAM, we find Ivan Podofski, gun owner, money loser, ginger, and proprietor of a red Yosemite Sam mustache that rivals the greatest. AND, the Bros inform us, he left a message on Goldstein's answering machine that was all FIRING SQUAD IN OLD COUNTRY, BITCH.

- HEY WAIT A SECOND.

Commercials! But first, a quick eyefuck.

Back: Interrogation. Ivan. Pictures of Ivan's old-ass guns. He looks a little less ginger in person, though. Bekt plays his I HATE YOU BITCH message, and fixes him with the BektStare of Pwnage. Ivan squirms. Claims he didn't do it. Says months ago, during a financial consultation at Panties Financial, Ivan mentioned his antique guns and Goldstein asked where he could get a Sherlock Holmes gun. Oooh! Cassl's not buying it. "So you're pointing the finger at Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?" No, but Ivan points out this proves Goldstein was interested in old-ass guns. So there.

Outside, they clip Ivan's picture to the murderboard and Irish informs us ballistics is testing Ivan's guns and will have results by tomorrow. Exit Irish. Enter Espo. Says Goldstein's car just got a parking ticket. Cassl reads the report and is all NO WAY! "Goldstein drives a Delorean!" BektLook of I Don't Get It. "The car used as a time machine in Back To The Future? There's no way that's a coincidence!" I'd share Cassl's excitement, but I've never seen BTTF. Sorry.

Espo says Goldstein has past parking tickets from the same spot, so clearly, he was going somewhere there regularly. It's not next to the park but a few blocks away. So where was he going? Espo: "Maybe a girlfriend." Bekt: "Unless you think that's where that time ripple is." Cassl: "Could be."

And I die, a thousandth time, from The Snark Of Love.

Bekt sends Espo off to get the car and pulls a face at Cassl before we go to the next scene.

The Delorean. Fitted up just like in the movie, too. Ha. Espo calls it in to get it towed over to the Police Epic Car Garage Of Justice, and Irish notices a homeless guy nearby, pushing his cart, wearing…a top hat? AND A BLOODSTAINED SHIRT! HOLY CONNECTED TO PLOT, BATMAN!

So Les Bros go over to question him, and turns out it's Sherlock CrazyShit. "Top of the morning to you, constables!" "Sir Henry" says he got these clothes at the haberdashery across the park. Sigh.

They try to ask him more, but Freddie Eynsford-Crazy goes all WAHHHHHHHH!!! shoves his cart into poor wounded Espo and tries to hit Irish with his walking stick. Irish cuffs him. Poor Espo grimaces in a manly way.

Back at – the station? the morgue? CSI? - eh, whatever. Bekt and Cassl examine the Henry Higgins-style costume; Irish found a matching ascot in a dumpster near the park. Why was Goldstein dressed as a 19th century Brit? "Well, it's Victorian, antique." SlyPuppy. "Kind of fits with the whole time-traveler theory, don't you think?"

Bekt just grins and quirks BektEyebrow, but in comes Lanie with Plot and Sass. So I guess it's the morgue after all. Nkay then. Lanie says there's gunshot residue on the right glove and sleeve. Boxers O'Goldstein had a gun too!

The Park OF DEATH! An extra holding a metal detector tells Irish he's got something…yep, another old-ass bullet. He shows it to Big Sister and Puppy.

Then Puppy gets excited. Killer was over here…Underpants was over here…flat ground between them…formal dress…old-ass guns…killed as the church bells struck midnight…he walks it out, and they stood at about forty paces… MOTHERFUCKER, IT WAS A DUEL!

Commercials while I consider a particular spoiler for the season 4 premiere, one that makes me chuckle in light of this development. You know what I mean.

And we're back! Casslhaus, evening. A chipper Cassl, old-ass gun in hand, stealths into the loft and LEX IS ON THE COUCH KISSING A BOY! Everyone's all HOLY AHHHHHHHH! Ashley, who is a BOY, leaps up and thinks Oh God, I Am About To Die ATTHE HANDS OF CAPTAIN HAMMER. Lex is mortified. "Ashley, this is my dad Rick. And I have no idea why he's waving a gun."

[And I know this is cruel, but I can't help it. I see the boy, and I'm all …really? This is the boy for whom you'll want to go to college early? Because honestly, Lex, Ashley seems kinda blah. Reminds me of my current roommate's boyf: take a dishrag, remove all its personality, and then take away about 60% of its remaining fun. Blaahhhhh. I am, again, biased because Ken Baumann is on Secret Life Of The American Teenager, which brings dishonor (dishonour) to him, his family, his friends, and his ancestors for several generations. It is that shitty of a show. It stains backwards through time.]

Anyway: this is about as awkward as a situation can get. Lex drags PapaCassl aside and is all WTF? Cassl is highly miffed about this entire affair. Ashley stands in the background looking awkward. He awkwardly excuses himself. I just can't even – it's just really, really uncomfortable. For everyone. I mean, my dad is a Vietnam vet and my older brother's a Marine and even I never had this much trouble bringing a boy home. Ashley escapes awkward but relatively unscathed. Lex is NOT HAPPY WITH HER DAD RIGHT NOW.

Morning gilds the city sky. Precinct. Cassl walks in to find Bekt stunning, gorgeous, and fighting crime. Ivan's guns weren't a match to the old-ass bullets. And no one who knew Underpants knows anything about any of this old-ass shit.

This calls for some Hot Coffee Machine In The Break Room Action. They muse. Cassl has a bit of inspiration. "Maybe someone besmirched his honor. Maybe it was about a girl." BektHmmm. "As a matter of fact, Alexis – her and her boyfriend, who has a girl's name, by the way – he thought I was gonna shoot him last night." Ten points from Ravenclaw for using the nominative case pronoun instead of accusative. BektEyes of Sorry, What Now? She smirks.

Enter Irish, who says Espo's home sleeping right now. Good Espo. Irish can shoulder the burden of cute for today. Irish went through receipts in Goldstein's car, and found one marked 'coffee with Troy Kenworth.' Troy's father was one of the investors who lost everything and then committed suicide.

Interrogation, Bekt and Troy. El Capitan finds Cassl in observation. "Why aren't you in there?" "Bekt's doing a mothering thing." He likes it when she does that. Makes him think about how much fun he'd have turning her into a mother…

…I'm talking about The Sex, if you weren't clear on that.

Bekt gently questions Troy, who found his father's body. Poor kid. Said he started drinking after that, got into barfights. Bekt tries the 'we could blame Underpants…' tack, but Troy said he talked to Underpants, who had told his father to diversify his portfolio. Troy's parents had been having trouble for years, and when they lost the money and the house and Troy had to drop out of school, Try's mom left his dad. All that stuff pushed the guy over the edge. Troy says meeting with Goldstein helped him a lot. He's stopped drinking, looking at going back to school, and Goldstein even gave him a job.

What job?

Troy gets anxious, because he signed a confidentiality agreement, but finally gives in.

So off we go! Bekt knocks a weird little brass doorknocker, and a weird little man in a machine-ish costume appears, asking questions about Jules Verne trivia. Cassl starts answering. Bekt just holds up The Badge Of Justice, which answers all questions. "NYPD. Open the damn door." BEKT I LOVE YOU! A hundred points to Gryffindor.

And they walk in to find a big hall that is…um…sort of a cross between Sherlock Holmes and Tim Burton. Weird Door Guy says this is London, 1892. But they did not do their homework, because if I am correct, that movie of the moon with the face is "Le Voyage dans la Lune," a film by Méliès, and it was made in 1902. PWNED.

Door Guy says it's a private steampunk society. Curious, I looked up 'steampunk,' and it's real. It's a blend of sci-fi, fantasy and the Victorian view of technology. Kind of cool, in an odd way.

They find the club president, and before Bekt can do her cop thing, Cassl's all, Can I Try Your Steampowered Motorbike?

President Steampunk says they heard about Underpants yesterday, and they're all shocked. The night he died, he left the steampunk club around 11:30. And HOWDY DOO, the club has a case with two old-ass guns. Bekt smells one. It's been fired recently.

Out of nowhere, in walks Adam, the guy from Knickers Financial. SHIT SON! He sees Bekt and bolts. AND WE CHASE!

As we chase, Les Bros walk up to the front door… …and BAM! Adam plows straight into poor half-dead Espo, who is having a seriously bad fuckin' day. Again.

Irish gapes, badge still in hand, and out run Big Sister and Cassl, who are out of breath but NOT because they were having The Sex. No Sir. Definitely not sex.

Commercials.

Interrogation. Adam says I DID IT I SO SORRYYYYYY! He and Goldstein were duelling but didn't think it was real, then suddenly he saw blood and Goldstein was dead and Julia was screaming and they took his clothes and ran. Julia, Goldstein's assistant. Turns out he was in love with her. But she and Adam were sort of seeing each other and Goldstein found out. So they duelled. Sigh. [Again…season 4 spoiler…making me snort]

Adam says they didn't think they could hurt each other. Said the guns wouldn't be remotely accurate at forty paces, especially since neither guy was a gun expert.

Irish comes out of interviewing a crying Julia saying yep, it's true. Bekt and Cassl head back to BektDesk to draw strength from its supply of Bektness. Bekt has to decide if it was murder or manslaughter. "I mean, are antique guns really so inaccurate?" CasslEyebrow. "Only one way to find out." Have sex. Now. Lots of it.

Or I guess you could go to the shooting range…and then have sex? Nothing says love like his 'n' hers antique guns, so Cassl and Bekt take their old-ass guns to the shooting range to test. Bekt is a badass, and Cassl just epic fails. A lot. So much that the uniform in the stall next to him comes over and says STOP SHOOTING MY TARGET, YOU BITCH. Cassl's next shot breaks the sign off the other guy's target. Cassl runs away like a little girl. My brave, manly boyfriend.

After shooting from every [sexual] position, even using a mount and laser sight, neither Cassl nor Bekt can get an accurate shot. So they go console each other with sex. [Like I've said before, if I keep saying it enough, maybe eventually it'll be true.]

O Boundless, Boundless Evening Of Manhattan Stock Footage. At Casslhaus, Cassl is trying on a Steampunk-style costume, complete with pith helmet and Rube-Goldberg-Sherlock-Holmes-style robotic arm. And I fall in love with him. EVEN MOAR.

In comes pretty Lex, all a-flutter with young love. She hugs Dr. Awk, only to get accidentally trapped on his robotic arm. After he frees her, he apologizes for almost shooting her boyf last night. Oops.

And Lex asks, "How do you know when you're in love?" MY LITTLE TV SISTER IS SO DAMN CUTE.

Before Cassl can formulate an answer other than 'she introduces herself as Kate Bekt,' Lex is off on a rambling soliloquy, about how all the songs make sense now, but she's never been in love so she's not sure, but this seems to be love, but her stomach and throat and ears are all tingly and this must be love, right? RIGHT?

She whirligigs her way through it – just watch it, I can't do Molly Quinn's cuteness adequate justice – and Cassl watches as his cute daughter basically has a small, adorable seizure of girl-ness. She finally talks herself out and lets out this big sigh, then hugs him really tight. "Thanks, Dad. I love you."

*diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies at the cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute*

Lex then whirls off to go write "Mrs. Ashley Finkelsnort" all over her notebooks. Or whatever his last name is. I think that's a good one.

Door buzz of potential DESTINY. He opens it to find Kate. And she gives him the full-on, not-even-hiding-it elevator eyes.

"Bekt. How do you know when you're in love?" "All the songs make sense." How much do we love the fact that Bekt's not even fazed? She doesn't miss a beat. Like it's not even odd for Cassl to ask her about love. Because of course it's not. He asked her this last night while they were cuddling, post-nocturnal-activities.

She enters Casslhaus comfortably because she sleeps here most nights. And triumphantly says Adam didn't kill Captain Underpants. She and Cassl couldn't hit their targets in the controlled environment of a shooting range. And she re-checked ballistics: the bullet of death didn't come from either dueling pistol. Adam didn't kill him.

Cassl gets a little suspicious. "You're talking full-on, grassy knoll, conspiracy theory." She usually discourages him in these flights of fancy. But she shakes her head, defiant. "Not theory. Fact. There was a third shooter, and that's our killer."

Cassl's robotic arm suddenly seizes up…and am I the only one who thinks it's a little dirty that his "arm" jerks upward in the presence of Bekt? Am I the only one who sees that as kind of porny? He got a little "excited" there, did he?

As we go to commercials, I would like to point something out. Is there any reason, at all, why she couldn't have just called him to tell him this? Was it at all necessary for her to go all the way to Casslhaus? Answer: No. It was not. I submit this as concrete proof that she and Cassl are doing the nasty. Every night. QED, bitches.

Back from commercials. We're at the park again. And my wild Irish rose is CLIMBING A DAMN TREE. I think that officially makes him the crime-fighting leprechaun of my heart. He yells for Big Sister, who comes over with her mancandy at her side, both of them exhuding that sweet post-kinkiness glow. Irish found Adam's bullet. Embedded inside the squirrel it killed. RIP, Squirrelkin.

Bekt stomps off, Cassl trotting after her and tangling himself in the crime scene tape. Do you think she ever ties him up in it? I mean, handcuffs chafe, if you're rough enough. And we know sometimes Bekt needs an outlet during those really frustrating cases…

Heading over to the scene of the death of Skivvies McGoldstein, Bekt and Cassl think through the possibilities. Bekt points out the clump of trees he could've stood by to not be seen by Goldstein or Adam. And what do ya know, they find a velvet fiber trapped on the tree bark. Velvet…burgundy velvet…

And back to the Steampunk with us! I feel the strong arms of Plot dragging me in, so here goes.

Remember how Troy wears a burgundy velvet coat? Yep. Troy's the killer.

Back at the station, Bekt and EyeCandy 'splain it all to El Capitan. Troy overheard the duel being planned and realized it'd be a perfect chance to kill Goldstein. His alibi fell apart, etc. They muse over the tragedy.

Montgomery: "Speaking of tragedy, did you hear about Detective Esposito?" MY BELOVED ESPO???

Bekt is immediately concerned about her little brother. "No, what about him?"

We turn around to find Irish wheeling in my darling Espo, who's strapped in a chest plate and head brace, looking so damn miserable I just want to hug him but I won't because it might break him. Bekt and Cassl GASP. OH NOES! "Dude – what happened?" "Esposito – "

"OHHHHHHHHHHH!" Espo throws off the brace and stands up, triumphant because he TOTALLY JUST PWNED THEM BOTH. And now I am in love with BOTH OF THE BROS.

He assures them he's okay. Irish is grinning like a little leprechaun. "You should've seen your faces!" "Captain, you really sold that." " 'Speaking of tragedy, did you hear about Detective Esposito?'"

Cassl tries to clap Espo on the shoulder, only to get hissed at because Espo still does need his neck brace. Oops. Irish hastily helps him back into it.

And then Stupid Fucking Josh comes in and I just don't even want to talk about it. So I won't.

You know what? Fuck all. These are my recaps, and I am boycotting Josh. I am hereby taking the liberty of ignoring scenes with Josh that piss me off. If you want to know what happened, go watch for yourself. And Bekt, five thousand points from Gryffindor every time he walks onscreen. An additional thousand every time he speaks. And twenty thousand for each second of PDA I am forced to watch. You've been warned.

So Casslhaus. Evening. Cassl gingerly enters to find Lex, minus the boy. They're totes back on good terms now, so he joins her on the couch. Lex feels really good about their talk the night before. "Being in love is exhausting."

CasslSigh. "Yeah, you got that right." *flails because that faraway look means HE IS TALKING ABOUT KATE* AND he propped his head up on his hand, and HELLO ARM PORN. His bicep is loving us a lot right now.

Lex notices PapaCassl is off in the distance. "You okay, Dad? You seem distracted." Lex, the love of his life is with another man. Your boy drama, sweet as it is, does not even begin to compare.

Cassl fumbles but comes back to the here and now, and Lex tells him she wants a Daddy-date tonight, and there is cute, and there is hug, and there is soft piano music of strong family love, and EVERYONE IS SO DAMN IN LOVE AND BEAUTIFUL. And there's a fun little video blurb in memory of Stephen Cannell, who was AMAZING in the poker in seasons 1 and 2.

 The End.

 I've been thinking a lot about this, and I've come to the conclusion that there's no reason to be embarrassed about the fact that I actually feel genuine emotion over this Kate-With-The-Wrong-Guy thing. The mark of great art, in every artistic medium, is its ability to not only display emotion, but also to evoke it. Castle is a wonderful show, and the characters resonate so strongly that I feel a twist of unhappiness to see Cassl sad. I don't like watching scenes with Josh. They're depressing. Poor Cassl. Fingers crossed, my doves. In Marlowe we trust. In Marlowe. We trust. (And boycott Josh.)

 The End. For real this time.