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Adoption Horror - True Story
Love Does Not Conquer All
My first husband, David and I got married and had a child. So far, so good. Then my savior complex kicked in and I decided that adopting a child that was a "throw away kid" would make a difference in the world.
My husband and I were deeply in love with each other and our two year old, towed headed, blue eyed son. I would not have any more children when I found out that I carry the DNA for myotonic muscular dystrophy and that my son had inherited the gene. It is a disease that causes learning disabilities and slow degeneration of the the muscles, there are other issues but this story is not about that. This story is about Holly.
At two years old, Brendan was precious and we wanted him to have a sibling. My husband wanted a girl so a girl it was to be. We applied to the Department of Children and Families, went to classes and through interviews, physicals and home inspections and were finally approved to adopt.
Right after that our case worker told us that there was a little girl, six years old, that had no siblings and was free for adoption. In other words, her parents gave her away. She was little, cute and soon to be our worst nightmare.
When she came to live in our house, Brendan broke his arm, fell in the tub, and was sexually abused. Yes, Holly was involved in all of these things.
After Brendan's second fall I told her to leave him alone and to never touch him again. She did not listen.
Some of the other things she did at 6 years old was skip school - she would hide behind the bushes around the neighbors house and sneak back in the house after I left for work, she always wanted to walk to school - She hurt Brendan and started sexually abusing him from the very beginning. She ruined our marriage, our child and our lives. She had been abused herself and in turn abused him. She needed to be in a home with no other children.
David and I were young and each of us thought the other was the better parent for her. We both suffered. David developed narcolepsy and I, migraines. He was never much of a conversationalist and got worse, when I needed to talk most. I am a communicator and he wanted to watch TV, not deal with our issues. I am ashamed to admit it but I did start an emotional, if not sexual relationship, with another man.
We lived this way for 6 years, 6 of the worst years of my life. Holly was jealous of my helping Brendan with his homework and he needed help, with the learning disabilities. She would make him "pay" by hurting him and telling him she would kill him and run away before I found out.
I did not know this was going on until my mother baby sat for me New Year's Eve. New Year's Day, she told me that Holly had Brendan at knife point making him perform cunnilingus. David had already left home. My friend stayed all night. He locked my bedroom door with Brendan and I behind it and slept on the floor in front of it.
All this time we had been seeing a family counselor who had dismissed us as "cured" three weeks earlier. When I called her she told me to get Holly out of the house and not let her back in. I went to her school the next day and took her straight to a mental health facility. She then told the counselors there that she learned the behavior from her father and I and her aunt let her watch porn.
David decided that I didn't want him and now I didn't want her. She had to be separated from Brendan for good and I told David he had to take her. He admitted her to another place, a wilderness camp for girls, she was there for 2 years. They let her out and she immediately abused another child that was learning disabled. Dave took her to a friend of hers house. The mother was going to save her. The mother took her to another mental facility within 3 weeks, another sexual abuse had taken place. David had been called since he was her custodial parent. He was going on vacation and told them to call me.
She had told them I was a terrible alcoholic and physically abusive. When I got there that same day, they were at their wits end. She was diagnosed bipolar and put on lithium.
Then she was diagnosed a sociopathic sexual predator. That is when I tried to rescind the adoption. David also wanted to rescind. The courts will not parents to rescind because if a parent died, the child would still inherit. I had a will made.
These are but a few things we endured during this period. I am not saying don't adopt these kids, I am saying follow your heart. My heart screamed "NO" from the beginning. My deep sense of responsibility kept me in this situation. Luckily, I do not feel responsible for everything in the world anymore and I know that love does not conquer all.
She is now 29 years old, still calls and has 5 children, one of which she abandoned. We have tried to help her, gave her our son's life and ours. Now we are a broken family and Brendan is 26 and a dope addict who will not work nor get help. i don't know where he is right now and neither does his Dad. He will turn up, we hope alive.
Oh my. This is so sad. :(
My God!!! I can not believe the horror you have endured. How did you make it through all of that a whole person? At least she is grown and moved away ..far far away hopefully.
I am so sorry for you, I to am an adoptive mother of a relative though. We got a call one day saying that this child was in a shelter, for 1 month because she was taken from my relative, so I called my husband at work and we both agreed to do foster care for her. Long story short we've had her since she was a month old, and we adopted her at the age of two. We had endured things like sleepless nights and things of that nature, but it seemed like the real nightmare began it seem after she was adopted. My family and I are kind of at our wits end with her I have a 17 and 8 yrs old both girls too. We've raised her the same way that we raised our other girls but she turned out to be nothing like them. For instance my 8yrs old is very timid and she still wants to and tries to treat my 2yrs old like a baby sometimes, and my 2 yrs old adoopted child does things like takes big objects and hits her in her head from behind, and she lies like nobodies business. Some people may think that this is normal behavior simply because I'm not telling everything in this comment but we are so confused we love this child but we are 1 afraid that she going to harm my 8 yrs old or she's going start school and lie and cost us our family. She is only 2 but she acts like she's 22yrs old. This is absolutly the hardest thing we've ever had to deal with and we don't know what to do.
Take her to a psychologist. She may have been born addicted to drugs. There are meds if she is hyperactive to that degree. Keep the 8 yo away from her. If all else fails, ask another family member to take her.
That sounds like the movie the orphan! Omg hjow sad
I am not saying this child didn't have problems, but who leaves a two year old alone with a six year old? You can't just tell a six year old to stay away and expect them to listen, especially one that has reached that age without learning boundaries. Don't blame it ALL on the child.
She snuck into his room at night, you idiot. I did have to sleep. People like you are so high and mighty. It didn't happen to you, did it?
I agree with GracieLinda! Amy is an idiot!
God doesn't give you more than you can carry. You are a very special, patient, and devoted soul to have never given up on her and unfortunately because of circumstances beyond your control you did not reap what you had sowed. I'm so sorry.
I teach k-8 in a drug and crime ridden area in Philadelphia, 6th most dangerous neighborhood in America. I am the young unwed version of you, I feel this burning need to foster and adopt and your story has opened my eyes.
The behavior you report is so so similar to 2 or 3 of my students, beginning at 5 years old. One child regularly shows signs of disturbing behavior and eventually caused sexual injury to the sweetest little girl in his class. He has both parents (which is VERY rare) and they seem to be useless in the situation. I caught him exposing himself in my classroom and he has since been removed from school by his mother ONLY because she "was sick of y'all people bothering me every day!!"
I will definitely head your warning and advice. Thank you so much.
Please do...follow your heart.
I adopted four children. The two boys have blessed me beyond belief. Like you I have horror stories about both girls. I tried my hardest to raise them and help them get past their former lives. They choose to live as victims forever. Medication only works if it is taken. You can't force feed a 16 year old pills; that is abuse. The girls came with no regard for cleanliness, have psychopathic tendencies, had already learned to use sex as a way to get their way with men. We got them both at 7; too old to make a difference. Our son's were adopted younger. One as a five month old and the other as a five year old. They both think of us as their only ever parents. They respect us and do well in life. They are all grown up now; we tried to make a difference. We accomplished that with our sons. Our daughters may never live good lives or contribute to society. I have a whole network of friends who adopted. They all have horror stories about kids they adopted. If anyone is thinking of adopting; don't believe that there are more good stories than bad. It is true that there are success stories, unfortunately I have seen way too many horror stories. Gracie; I feel for you. I am so sorry this ruined your marriage. By the grace of God; we were able to make it through this. We had many close calls, they do everything to break up your marriage. A lot of people believe that children are innocent and can't tell lies well. Not true, the lies were involved complicated and so believable. I have been lied about, lied to, and physically threatened. They want everyone's lives to revolve around them. And if anything happens that is good for someone else that is the time to throw huge fits of rage. Birthdays (if it isn't theirs), Christmas, Easter, and at any given moment you have to be ready for the huge wave of hate. I have a son who is learning disabled; he was their victim. He was older and learned to protect himself from them quickly. Another warning to anyone considering adoption. Social workers will tell you anything to get these kids into homes. They will lie, say they did not know things, and then once these children are adopted abandon you. We were set adrift in a world that was full of pain, heartache, worry, and felt hopeless. Anyone still caught in that trap; one day they will become of age. You can use tough love, they will leave your house and you can have peace again. In our case my relative is trying to save our daughter's life; it was never in any danger. She was lied to by one of the best. She hasn't a clue what she has gotten herself into. They live all the way across the country; I hope they do not kill each other. Well life goes on. You learn to live with the disappointment. You have to remember that it isn't your fault. They came that way!
Kat, you know the hell and I thank you for your input on this. Those that still believe that children are pure, even after they have been through too much for their young lives are wrong. They learn. I think the girls learn the sex thing very well. When she was six she was coming on to our male friends and her father. It was awful when she grinded in my grandfathers lap.
Thank you for your support. My ex will see her this Christmas but I cannot.
I feel your pain about Christmas. You feel guilty about being happy that they are not there. And despite all the pain, heartache, and sorrow; you still love them. I wonder how many people have lived this kind of pain. I never knew that there was anyone else living like I was. During all the hardest times; I felt so alone. Thanks for listening to my story and sharing yours. Hopefully someday they will find treatment that works on these kids and stop fooling naïve people into taking kids with major problems that can't be fixed or helped.
I am writing with my cat on my shoulder. I feel more comfortable now than I have with children since this. Cat Lady,yes, loving, yes, 2 more kids, yes. I sent gifts for my "grands" with my ex for Christmas. they are not fault.
I just came across your article doing a search on disrupting an adoption in my state. I am the adoptive mother to four sons and the biological mother to two amazing teens. One of our sons is in residential treatment even as I type. He is dangerous to the younger children (physically, not sexually). I am afraid that if we disrupt, we'll be charged with some crime like neglect but if we retain custody, he will be sent home when insurance runs out. We can't afford to pay privately for psychological services.
Your article touched me so deeply. I felt the bitter regret and the "what ifs" that were not blatantly stated.
You went into this with pure motives and an open heart and have come out of it battered and worn. I am so sorry and, believe me, I have learned from this article. I know each child and each experience are different but my heart screamed "no" when we met our troubled son and, like you, I just kept moving forward.
I pray EVERY potential adoptive parent who comes across this article listens to that "NO" if they are hearing it!
Angie, I had to have a neglect charged annulled after the disruption. She had told authorities that her father sexually molested her so we couldn't get that dropped.
Please disrupt this adoption. You have too many other kids and this one needs more than you could ever give.
I feel so bad for Brendan...the fact that you didn't get that little girl out of your home or institutionalized after the first mishap with he and she is beyond me!!?? And why didn't you always let Brendan stay in a room with you if you couldn't get rid of her? At least he would be safe from her if he was in the room with you at night. This whole story breaks my heart. And I am sorry any of it happened to all of you and your family. I hope your son is okay too!!
Gracie, I feel your pain. I adopted two girls from Polk county florida back in 1997. They were 6 and 8 at the time. I was told they were two cute little girls that just needed a home. i was lied to about their history (even by the foster parents that just wanted them out of their house) The last 14 years have been a living hell. these girls have literally been monsters! The oldest one cut the toes off our cat and sexually abused her biological half brother that we also adopted a few years later. We cried for help, begged for help, from the state of florida, but no help was to be found. both the girls are grown and on their own now, but the damage they did to our family is evident every day! And yes, you have to sleep, shower, and poop!!! My husband and I were blamed when the oldest molested her brother. We were told if she was better supervised that this would not have happened, but she did it at night while we were sleeping and the two yr old boy had a learning disability and could not tell us about it. She was finally caught and that put an end to that, but the boy, who is now 12, is also severely damaged. My life is a nightmare!!!
this is so sad :(
My family had a similar 'incident'
They did foster care but were adopting me and so decided to stop they did agree however to take one more kid before i came. They got attached to him and tried to adopt him as well (I was taking a while :) )
Then the abuse started a kid on the busy complained about 'touching' and stuff happened in the home as well. Eventually my mom and dad decided for the safty of the family and me (i was on my way!) that he had to go. He had lerning disablitys and had been sexually and emotionally abused at his home so thats what he carried with him when he came to us. Mom and Dad put him in a special foster/halfway house for kids with similar problems. We never found out what happened to him. Personally i would like to say dispite the downfalls of some adoption. adoption is in general a very positive thing. You just have to be careful! My little brother and i were adopted and have turned out fine (so far) and are very very well adjusted and loved. One of my older brothers is adopted and he has had a harder time. He was adopted from Russia from an orphanage when he was 3 almost 4 . Some scars simply can't heal and he never completely attached to us as family. He nover got into trouble though and lives a normal life. My parents saw adopting the three of us as a way to make the world a better place. They have made my little brothers and my life so much better than it could have been and saved my older brother from what probably would have been a slow death from neglect. The foster child, however, was a different story. They couldn't help him and he was hurting the family. Sometimes hard decisions simply have to be made.
I adopted again, my cousin. My aunt was on drugs. He has done well. I believe in adoption. Just be very careful of some of the problems kids can bring with them.
Glad you turned out so well. Hug your parents. They are special people.
Erinlisa - If this child is making you old before your time, consider disrupting. I know the State of FL, I adopted in Hillsborough County. I think they have support groups now, I don't know about Polk. I am disabled from all of this, heart disease. stress diseases, etc. This can kill you. Don't let it.
Gracie and all:
Thank so much for posting your stories. We are thinking about adopting a 3-5 year old girl from Russia, but all I hear is "NO" now. Can this ruin our very happy family when we want to help a child? I was so excited but no "blog" talks about problem. What now???
As a mother, you have probably learned to listen to your instincts. If YOU feel no, don't do it. If you are not sure, don't do it. YES this child could turn your family into hell. Love does not conquer all.
If you feel good about it maybe it is for you. Maybe this child will bring you joy. From what I have read, these kids do have problems. Sometimes you can find a group who brings them to the states for a "screeing", just a thought.
Very good advise, thank you. Very difficult choice. I am raising my stepson. He is a teen and we are having many issues with him, his mother does not want to deal with these at all. I could not have children on my own. I think about this as new happiness but maybe I am wrong. You are great to tell the truth because everyone only talks about the positive experiences. Finally someone is honest.
TEENS are a pain, no matter what!
That is true, yours or not, they are a pain. How is your son doing since then? This must have been very hard on him for many years. I was very sorry to read all the problems that encounter today with your health from this. You DID NOT deserve it, you gave home to a monster.
My son lives with me, now. He has had it rough and I have taken his life over for him. (He is disabled with Myotonic Dystrophy). He is 27 and seems to be happy, now. He and I are very close. Now I have a problem with his step-father. That's another blog.
ia m gald to hear that he is with you. Did you get married after the first marriage ended? This adoption issue is so hard. I think that there are many problems within families but noone wants to admit to it. Somehow they feel that it is not fair to complain about adopted kids. It is not fair to paint the rosy picture for others either. It is better to know the risks before we commit to do it.
Yes, I married again but my husband doesn't understand what we went through since he wasn't there to experience it. That has caused some issues.
I did want people to know that adoption isn't the rosy picture others paint. They just want to get these kids out of the system because more are coming in. The people that do this to those kids should be sterilized, at the very least.
I agree with you. For me it was very helpful to read your blog. I will focus on my stepson and do the best for him for the short time I still have any influence on him. He is 16. Hope your husband will try to understand because it is heartbreaking what you had to go through only because you wanted to do some "extra" good in life.
I'm saddened by your story, GracieLinda, and I'm sorry the child placed into your home wasn't a good match for your family. Sometimes social workers may not being 100% up front about the extreme special needs of kids in their care--either intentionally, or because of a lack of personal involvement in the case. I don't know if that was the case in your situation or not.
My wife and I are very protective of the children in our home (currently 4 bio and 3 adopted) and have chosen to not take kids (yet) with certain issues because of that. We have good kids and we'd like to keep them that way. However, we are prayerfully considering widening the spectrum of kids we are willing to take in because there is such a need.
Please, to anyone considering adopting, please know that the horror stories are in the minority. I know that doesn't make them less real, but most adoptive children are not horror stories. Yes, they are hurt and messed up by the adults in their life. So yes, it requires the right match of parents to child, so just go into it with your eyes open.
Always be safe and take precautions with the children already in your home, but please have compassion for the kids who have not grown up in a stable two-parent family. Adoption is a ministry that requires sacrifice and sense of mission--it is not for everyone.
This is one of the missions of my blog. That and don't let the responsibility to these kids make you blind to what it can do to your family. Mine was only six when I got her. I adopted my son at 2 and he had problems, still does with anger. Though that is lessening. He is eighteen and for the first time told me he loved me without being told first and for my b'day bought me a gorgeous heart necklace that had to have set him back a few, and he loves money! Adoptions do work but only with patience and the right child/parent mix. Go with your heart in all things.
I am the adoptive parent of 4, some special needs and some typically developing. I have several friends who adopted special needs kids too. It is quite a stressful road. My oldest is 19 and I placed her in a group home at 14. I am now her legal guardian since she is over 18. She is well on her way to being removed from her 4th group home. The next step is a state operated facility for her. She came to me at age 3.
I have a friend that adopted 4 boys, 3-14. The oldest hung himself in the backyard. The youngest is in state care due to physical violence, and the other two are as "fine" as they can be. They did join a church and they have helped but he and his wife are too stressed to think.
Another adopted a 12 year old boy as a single mom. That disrupted due to his violence and running away. She
has suffered with shame, thinking she failed him. We worked together at a child related organization and that helped since we knew about these kids but outsiders didn't see it that way. She but is doing better but still feels alone in it all.
I am so sorry that this happened- but i hope that this doesn't taint your whole view of adoption...especially foster care adoption. My children are both adopted from the foster care system. While my oldest who is 5 has had some emotional issues that we are working through- we are a perfect family...or as perfect as any family is! :) My boys have made my life wonderful. To me it sounds like your case worker let you down (and this disturbed child down) by making a bad match. This child should have been in a setting where she could not hurt herself or others so that she could at least have some simblance of a normal adult life oneday.
I did adopt again, a son at 2 yo. He is my cousin, my aunt is a drug addict.
Dear GracieLinda, i am sincerely moved by your troubling experience and i sympathise with you. i hope you are doing well now and have moved on well with your life. i would like to request for a favour, if u do not mind. My group and I humbly request that you allow us to ask you a few question regarding your traumatic experience. if you are fine with that, please contact me at email@example.com.
Thanking you in advance. :)
Wow I'm so glad I googled "adoption horror stories" and found this blog. My husband and I were considering adoption and we did have concerns about the child not being able to bond. And we heard about the adoptive parent who "returned" her boy back to a Russian orphanage where he was from. From reading the stories here - who could blame her? It's interesting that the problem kids here are mostly girls. I was under the impression we would have better success with a girl. Separate note - does anyone know anything about embryo adoption? Perhaps that's an option if you want to start a family and not necessarily save a child. (not to belittle saving a child - that is always a good thing)
I don't know about embryos but if the right hearts match I think it could be great.
I adopted twin girls after becoming a foster parent. I am a high-tech pediatric nurse and have 2 biological children who are now grown. The twins were born at 2#8oz and 2#11oz to a cocaine addicted prostitue mother. I thought being a foster parent was a great way to help some needy children and never planned on adopting. Well after caring for these racially mixed children for a month the caseworker said they dragged the bio-mother into court after she had abandoned them at the hospital and she signed papers to release them for adoption. They asked if I wanted to adopt them? I asked them if they would be kept together? They said not necessarily. Since I had kept these girls together in the same bassinet since I had them I felt they needed to be kept together and felt adopting them would assure this. Fast-forward: They are now 15 yrs. old and have destroyed my life! I did everything I could, I devoted my life to giving them a better life. I used all my training and skills to care and provide for them. They have done so many things that are manipulative and selfish, disrespectful, and sometimes straight up evil! They have made it impossible to work, ruined my marriages, relationships with family and friends. I honestly regret the day I ever set eyes on them and brought them into my life. It may sound harsh, but there are some people in this world that are genetically predisposed to be violent, abusive, distructive people and NO MATTER WHAT HELP OR ENVIRONMENT YOU PROVIDE YOU CANNOT FIX THEM OR SAVE THEM FROM THEMSELVES!!! That is why we have prisons and institutions! These cute little babies and children are time bombs! I brought the twins home at less than a month and just 4 lbs each. They were given a safe and loving home. My own biological children are smart, successful, and well adjusted...but these girls destroy everything and everyone in their path. Oh and forget about help! Once you sign the adoption papers, you are on your own!
It sounds like you might want to try rescinding the adoption. The courts would not let me because they wanted any money in my estate for her care. Talk about infuriating. My sympathy is with you, I am one of many who have traveled this terrible path. PS my father still tells me that gene pools rule. He is right.
I feel such relief reading your write up. You are not alone! We recently had our adopted son placed in a secure unit. He is 13! He arrived aged 6 with his older brother aged 8. The older boy is now 16 and is delightful, hard working, caring....a joy. His younger brother arrived deeply disturbed (as was the older one), but we thought love could conquer all. I was a teacher of delinquent boys and knew all the tactics for turning them around. At least I thought I did. George destroyed us. From day one he set about severing my husband and I. He went through 6 schools and sexually abused in all of them. He has made foul allegations against us and others. Our family deserted us and they did not understand,. To them George presented as cute, adorable, charming. He had no regard for us, our family, our feelings anything really. He was diagnosed at 6 with Reactive attachment disorder of the severest kind. He constantly soiled and smeared faeces everywhere. He molested children wherever he went. Yet we kept hoping he would come through. In the end my husband made it clear it had to end or he had to leave as the battering was never ending. Just before he left he was hoarding knives and sharp implements. His obsession with extreme violence always present. He is consumed with killing people, fascinated by it. Yet at other times when away from other children he could be charming, and loving (at least superficially). He has bought us to our knees, disarmed us, lost us everything. However now I feel so bereft as my life had become caring for this lad who for some crazy reason I still love. I would love to chat some more. There are few who can understand the horror of a child who sexually abuses others. People who post messages that they would never give up their adopted child have NOT parented a child who sexually abuses with violence other children. They are not the parents of an adopted child whose only desire is to kill other people. They are not the parents of a child who takes pleasure in destroying all semblance of family life. Only one who has lived it can know the true horror of it.
You are so correct. I felt bad about how others may have viewed us at the time we went thru it. Now I understand that I needn't have. My family was the one in hell and we made the only decision we could have. Enjoy the child you have and release the other one. He will murder someone, maybe you. These terribly disturbed people only want what THEY want.
Hello Gracie Linda
Yes it has been suggested many times that he could murder us. I guess we just kept hoping he would change. It is so hard to accept that despite all you do and try a child so young can be so damaged. Because George presents as so charming, eloquent and delightful people in our family think we were making it up. Indeed all the schools did until they had him a week or so when the fascade dropped. How much contact do you now have with this daughter? We are just writing a will as you outlined to ensure that George has no claim on our estate. We will leave him a token amount to ensure that he cannot contest the will.
We have friends of ours who we met because our children were initially at the same school. Like me she is a teacher of challenging children. She adopted a 7 year old boy (now aged 18) and then five years ago adopted an 8 year old girl. The boy has always been challenging to the extreme with ADHD amongst other things but they loved him. Three years ago it came out that the boy had been having sex with his sister over three years (since the week she arrived in their home). The family all had to live apart as it went through the courts. Case was dropped due to sufficient evidence because the sister was already sexually abused pre adoption (unknown by the adoptive parents). Now two years on he is back in court for having sex with a 12 year old. Their suffering is never ending. He drinks, does drugs (they think), steals and is violent towards them . He is out of education and does not work. He uses their house as a doss house and shows them no respect at all. He has been in contact with his birth family and they give him money! I watch my friend as she ploughs on believing in the end he will turn out OK. In the interim their daughter is never allowed in the house alone and sleeps with her door locked from the inside at night. All they ever wanted to be was parents! The daughter is diagnosed with associative disorder. Her birth mum killed herself and the birth dad is multiple personalities. Stories like this are common place - love is not enough but decent hard working people are left to deal with monumental problems that others cause and the authorities don't provide any help once the adoption papers are signed.
Quite frankly we don't understand how they have managed to keep going. The lad shows no sign at all of turning it around and seems unperturbed about his new upcoming trial for rape.
Fiona, I was scared my daughter would find and kill myself and my son for many years. I have had contact thru the years. She usually wanted money. She took my ex for about $800 saying it was for the 5 kids she has had. It wasn't and neither of us have given her a dime since. She abandoned a daughter and told the father I don't know what and I wasn't allowed to be a grandparent except to bring gifts. I haven 't seen her in a long time due to my being used by him. I do love her (a lot more to that story). When my ex motherinlaw passed I went to the funeral and she was there with two of the children. I was thrilled to see the kids were clean and well mannered. I had not been told she would be there and was shocked. It had been planned that I would take them afterward to do something. I took my ex aside and told him exactly how much I thought of his making my plans with a woman I felt so poorly about.
Since the kids were there I did the grandma thing and took them to a small museum and then to Wal-Mart where I spent over $100 on the my grandbabies and then asked if I could have my granddaughter for two weeks in the summer and was told by my daughter she wasn't comfortable with that. After all I gave and all she took, she now took my grands (I have no others) from me. My granddaughter even begged her. I did not send Christmas presents, did not call and will not put my grands thru anything that my being in their lives might start. This hurts terribly. She took it all.
I won't leave her anything in my will stating the facts of what has happened.
Your friend is going to have more troubles with her daughter, the genetic pool is so strong in all of of us. The happy part is she is a girl and less prone to multi personalities, doesn't mean it won't happen. I have a friend who adopted four boys, one hung himself in the back yard Christmas a few years back and one is in the type of home your George is in. The son is a sociopath. My daughter is too, along with bipolar issues. George could also fall into that category.
That does not mean we, as parents, have to feel bad enough for these kids to let them ruin our lives. We can love them but treat them as we would a bio child. Tough love is the only thing I have found that works. What they want they can't get from us so they treat us a little differently. When my son saw her at the funeral he spoke and walked away and I told her not to go near him. He is 28 and I still don't want them near each other. I adopted her so he would have a sibling. I did a poor job. My email address is email@example.com. Email me and I can give you my phone number. I know you need support. I did and never got it. I will be here for you.
Hello Gracie Linda
Thank you for your email I will email you tomorrow from my work email as it would be good to continue our conversation. There are so many parallels. Yes our George is already loving manipulating the staff at the unit he is in. You would never ever believe we gave him the world and more! How quickly he has moved on from us, his pony, his dogs and his brother! We were always told he had attachment disorder of the severest kind though. Guess I always hoped he would love us! I fear for our safety as he gets older due to his obsession with harming people and murder. I dread the misery he will bring to other peoples lives. No doubt he will father many children, as did his birth father, and leave them all in a dire way.
Is your adoptive daughter married? Has she managed to turn anything around? Yes I agree your job is to protect your son. On that score George has made so many threats to kill Michael it scares me. I guess his ultimate revenge would be to harm Michael. Yes this is the way he works! Will email you when back at work so we can talk more off main line. Thank you again - your support is a life line. We are not alone in the horror of these children.
Fiona, I have been looking for your email. Are you OK?
Hi, i just wanted to comment, im 18 years old and i was adopted after being in foster care. My birth mother was a 19 year old who had run away from home and gotten pregnant, she also drank and took various drugs. abandonment broke me as a baby, my foster care mother didn't want them to take me back and her depression rubbed off on me. when i finally came to be adopted i was given two lovely parents, who had already adopted a child, my brother who is now 21. He was unrelated to me and his mother was in a relationship when she had him, also she was 26 years old and decided in confidence to give him up for adoption. Needless to say, i was an absolute terror. I was extremely aware of my surroundings and had a higher sense of the world. I can remember always being angry or having tons of energy that i felt i just couldn't contain. I've threatened my parents broke their things ruined events for them, embarassed them publically, thrown things, stolen things and skipped school from first year. My brother on the other hand, also adopted, has just come back from canada where he was studying breast cancer cures in Science. He has always attended school. He is polite, witty, humourous and most of all hes gentle. Why? What my brother took from being abandoned was a sensory difficulty, he doesn't have strong emotions because he learnt early on emotions hurt. He didn't smile for a few years first coming.
The issues i have from being adopted are purely related to abandonment, trauma and lack of love at such a young age.
The only way to help people like me is to get to the root, trace back to the beginning of the childs earliest memory because these are like knots in our minds that will never untie until they get recognition! Childeren like me have no sense of self worth because we've been traded like cattle and learnt early on that people can simply DECIDE WHEN to love, this is NOT a parent.
You have to love the child as you would your own. Because we know the difference.
Im currently helping my mom deal with childeren traumatised by adoption, and in doing this i am healing my own wounds. I have never felt closer and more love for my mom than now. My dad and i have only just begun being close friends because of the hard years i put him through, we never really got on. But i love my parents, and i love my brother. I hope this makes sense to someone. I never meant to hurt anyone it was just the first thing i learnt.
I will say the longer a child has been in foster care the more damaged the mind and emotions will be
Hi Gracie Linda
Apologies I have been off line. I have been ill. Delayed illness from the last 8 years I guess.
George already barely acknowledges us. The secure unit give him everything he wants and it is as if we never existed. When we phone he can barely pull himself away from the XBox and then he will speak to us as he plays the game. So sad and frustrating. We know his attachment disorder is of the worst kind (RADQ 100) but we thought there would be something. He promises to ring us and never does. It is just a one way street now with us phoning to chat to him and him not really bothered. All the things we put into his life now meaningless. He does not ask about his animals he is solely fixated on gaming. He stays in bed most of the day, rising for food and to play on the XBox. He does not attend school or anything. So so sad. Still love him though. Wish I could just walk away but then when he hits 16 he will have no one to turn to. I worry about that as well. On the other flip side I worry about how violent he will learn to become and if he will come back for us.
Such a mess Gracie Linda. Such a mess. So many hopes shattered.
Hello GracieLinda,
I read your blog and my heart goes out to you and all those who have had adoption nightmares.
My husband and I recently ended our foster-to-adopt relationship. We have no biological children and wanted a family . We were matched with 2 boys-5 & 8. They had ADHD, ODD and (supposedly) RAD. I say supposedly because our social worker refused to believe the diagnosis--even though a psychiatrist said otherwise. We had feces and urine issues, nonstop lying and stealing. The elder pushed the younger down the steps. He also attacked other children at school and on the bus. Both boys abused our cats. We went through BSCs, TSSs psychologists and NOTHING helped. Their social worker refused to show us their records and our social worker refused to advocate for us. We asked for mental health services and were told that they weren't "bad" enough. Finally, we told our agency that we couldn't adopt them unless they received the services they so desperately needed. The boys have since been placed in another foster home.
I cry daily over the boys. Anyone who thinks that a disrupted adoption is the easy way out of parenting has NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE THE DECISION TO END YOUR FAMILY.
I was just wondering, in your story it says that you took this to court but the court wouldn't allow you to rescind, what was the name of the case that you took to court ? As I am doing a report on adoption and was wondering if I could use your case as an example to change the laws so that it would benefit the parent, but I need the case name to research and the laws that were used through your court hearing.
Could you please reply soon as by school report is due in a few weeks.
Thanks BB
Yes, it would help if I had your last name as it would be easier to locate the case faster as I am running out of time as my assignment is due in 3 weeks.
Thanks BB
I don't think you should give your name to random people, but this was a really sad story.
I am living the identical nightmare...mine is now 11 and tried to burn the house down with us in it recently...accused me of abuse which never took place and was unfounded but i feel skeptical that C.P.S didn't believe me just couldn't prove what wasn't there...finally he was arrested for arson and attempted murder at the age of 11 ...cps received the police report because they say it's domestic violence and they always get reports...I don't believe them they are high and mighty to rescind the adoption now...i have already signed custody back over...I don't understand anything that is happening but I do not trust c.p.s.
Wow, thanks to GracieLinda and everyone who has shared their stories. I have just started thinking about adopting. Not sure I'll move forward now. But if I do, my antennae will be up. Some books were suggested by DHS. I now better understand why and that I need to read them before deciding to go forward. I really question whether I'm up to the level of parenting that some of these children seem to require.
Amy, I suggest you move to a different house. This was one of my fears with my daughter. If you can't afford to move you need some kind of alarm system. PROTECT YOURSELF. You are right, do not trust CPS. They simply want to place these kids that are broken.
Jen, I read your bio. It does not say if you are married or have a partner. You are an intelligent person with a LOT to offer. If you go forward, be very aware of your "feelings". In your heart you will know if this is for you.
Hi GracieLinda,
Thank you for your story. I adopted a girl from the system when she was 11. She lived with me for 3 and a half years. She is high functioning and presents very well. Most people never saw the Mr. Hide behind the Dr. Jeckle. They were not daily I make no pretense that they were but she had severe temper tantrums in which she would lash out physically.
By the time she moved out she was almost double my size, I am all of 100 lbs, and had slammed me shut in the car door, hit me...... I pleaded with Children's Division for help and they wanted to place more in home services. I said that will not keep me safe. They said they did not see anything so bad "she isn't setting fires" and would not approve residential care. I desperately looked for private options and found a Christian Girls Ranch run by a staff of missionaries. I have been paying for her care there for the past two years. She is just about to turn 16.
After Children's Division's response I did not try to legally dissolve the adoption I was afraid their opinion would be all the judge would see. Thankfully she can stay where she is until she is 18. I live in fear that they will close, kick her out etc..... Like you I can not go back to that in my home. I push myself to call and write once in awhile but really don't want to after she is 18. I want to put my home and belongings in a trust. I was told it is more solid than a will but do not want her to inherit anything.
One of the hardest things is that my family does not understand. They feel I gave up on her and since she did not go back to the state want to write get her for holiday's etc.... My sister and her husband with two younger boys wanted to pull her from the ranch and take her into their home. She was sexually abuse as well and I know my nephews would be at risk. All my sister sees though is that I don't trust her and that they could help. Oh how I wish there was a resource that would help extended family understand,
Thanks for sharing your story and allowing me to share mine.
Oh I ment to mention I am single. I am a counselor and my original intent was to help a child that had no parent to have a home and a better life. I felt I knew what I was getting into and had the skills to help. Wow! What I have learned along the road.
GracieLinda, Thank you for your kind words. I have made peace with my own decisions and am comfortable with the steps I took. I know they were for the best not only for me but for the child too. It is really hard when some of those comments come from your own parents and siblings though.
Oh, same Suzie as above. Apparently I was not logged in last night. :-)
I have thought that I have a winning novel...no one would believe the horror story of my adopted children. My husband and I could never have our own children, we were lead (I believe by God) to adopt. The absolutely bizarre situations would possibly frighten other wonderfully fit parents to dismiss the thought of adoption. Therefore, I will stifle my story. In hopes that at least one in ten children will be adopted, rescued and given a better chance to help themselves and possibly someday, help others.
My now ex-husband and I adopted 2 children from the system, ages 7 and 9. I will skip the horrible details of the past few years, but if you want to live in a world where you feel duped, then abandoned by the services you are promised, your pets get raped, your other children get sexually molested, your family and other community members think you are abusive and ostracize you, the kids you adopted cannot be helped and make constant allegations against you no matter what wonderful things you do, you are faced with the choice of keeping a dangerous sexual perpetrator in your house or a $10,000/month residential facility bill, you have a social worker tell you that if you can't control the children you adopted, your bio children will be removed from the house and neglect charges placed against you, your family falls apart, and everyone is in a worse position, then you should consider adopting children from the system. If this doesn't sound like fun, then be a foster parent. Remember that in many states and counties, there is no adoption reversal. They make it sound like there is, but this is really not true. In most cases, you will continue to be legally and financially responsible for these children, even if they are removed from your care, which is a really difficult process. Read up on Reactive Attachment Disorder before you make the plunge. Attorneys and paying privately for services are not cheap. We will never financially or emotionally recover from our decision to try to help; neither will our children.
Sounds like you and I have have shared a hellish past, for you it is still happening. I did what I had to do and got her out of my house by not picking her up for the mental hospital. I faced neglect charges and got them expunged. It takes a while and I don't know where you live but you might want to try your insurance company and see if you can get them into a wilderness or some other sort of camp for these type of kids.
I'm sorry to sound harsh, but WTF did you expect??? I am the victim of parents who needed to be saviors, and I still haven't quite forgiven them. I also know that, unless you adopted in some god-auful hellhole of a county, THEY WARNED YOU SEVERAL TIMES THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT COULD HAPPEN, but that could never happen to you, right? You forgot that children are PEOPLE not tools for to help you feel better. I only hope you can find some way to live with yourself.
Also, if anyone reading this has serious doubts that they can provide the basic needs of a child, have the common decency to have an abortion, don't just pass your problem onto another group of people.
My husband and I are in the middle of the adoption process. Well, closer to the beginning. The young man we are looking at is 13 and about to be 14. There is a video of him and he seems so sweet. Docile really. I have photos of him from when he was 10. He's been in the system a long time. He was described as just being neglected, then having gone to be adopted by paternal grandparents who were abusive and neglectful, but that his older brothers were "tortured and sexually abused". how can it be that this didn't happen to the other two?
he has diagnosis' but not that of RAD.
His photo's from the past three years are so sweet . . .
and this year he recently had his new photo posted for 2012. He is alot bigger now and I know he has stolen from school. He has been in his current foster care home for three years. . . my fear is that this move may change him. Maybe I'm being paranoid . . but the reason I googled, "adoption horror stories" is because when I saw this recent photo of him . . . there is a different look in this kids eye. He seems . . .different from previous years. He seems . . . what? I don't know. We haven't even met him. Only seen video and photos . . .
but something in his eyes . . . made me google this tonight . . .
I thank you all for your honesty.
Because I thought I was just getting cold feet. We have our informational meeting soon and I will listen to what the agency has to say . . . but I have to say . . when I saw his photo tonight . . something has sent me into a tailspin . . .reading reading reading about the difficulties parents may encounter with teen adoptions . . something made me google what I did.
Thank you for posting all this.
Don't do it. He has been mentally abused if nothing else. Ask to see something on a different child. Maybe one new to the system. Your intuition is screaming at you. Listen to it!
Reply to Tina, Actually God does give you more than you can carry, that is why people commit suicide. It drives me mad when people start bringing God into situations. This has seriously wrecked Gracie's life and has SHE has found the strength in herself to cope and carry on. The adoption agency should never have allowed a 6 year old to be adopted to a family with a younger child. They must have had some idea what she was like and that she was no angel. I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to take them to court GracieLinda.
"My heart screamed "NO" from the beginning. My deep sense of responsibility kept me in this situation."
This line made me cry because it is exactly where I find myself now. We are fostering our three neices and I'm not sure how much longer my marriage will last.
To Backingout:
Don't do it! My husband & I have 4 bio-kids (2 are adults, 2 are teens). We adopted 2 teen siblings internationally 2-1/2 years ago- they r now 17 (girl) & 18 (boy) but still in 10th grade. We felt God led us to do this but as a woman & bc of having a middle school daughter at home, there has been continuous fear for our physical safety bc of our adopted son. We can never leave him alone with our daughter. We can never leave the 2 girls alone bc I'm afraid the adopted daughter might harm our bio-daughter. There is so much anger. They have good behavior now (the first year, there were rages, violence, fits, lies, manipulation, triangulation with my husband & me, flirtatiousness/touching my husband inappropriately. We hid all the knives & scissors & yard tools that are sharp, seriously). I don't trust them. We have alarms on our adopted kids doors so we know where everyone is at night. I want to trust them, that they will not hurt us, but I don't. It's been a nightmare, although certainly not to the extent of some of these stories! Our middle scjool daughter is depressed & suicidal & I started anti-depressants & counseling 6 months after we got them. We were reasonably good parents but nothing can prepare you. I am grieved that all I can long for is when they leave our house. It's a horrible way to live, having to monitor constantly. No one can understand the weirdness that has attempted to destroy our marriage, my peace, even my faith. I would never recommend adopting an older child who has been neglected or abused nor a male who's getting ready to be a teen bc when they get bigger/stronger than you, it's scary! don't adopt siblings, don't adopt into your family out of birth order. I think adopting when you have other bio-kids can potentially tear up their lives too. I'm sorry we did it & don't understand it all the way. I can only hope we can survive 2 more years of stress, weird behavior, & relationship strain.
I agree with Amy. However I agree that this girl is responsible for her own actions. It does seem like you have not taken responsibility for your actions. Perhaps she sensed that you thought of her as a "throw away child". The truth is she learned that behavior from somewhere because humans do not actually have instincts only biological drives. Yes she probably did make your life miserable but you do have some responsibility for your own life, marriage, and family. It is easier to blame someone else then look within ourselves.
Hi Gracie,
Thank you for sharing your story and everyone else that shared theirs also. It is comforting when I read them and know that I am
not alone in living through the he ll that I thought was what God wanted for me and my husband. We are now both Agnostic.
We were in wedded bliss for 9 years when we decided to adopt (unable to have biological children). In 2000 we brought home three beautiful biological children that were in an orphanage overseas. The last 11+ years have been torture. The oldest is now 18 and living with a friend and his family that he was able to dupe. He is always the victim. The other two, his bio brother and bio sister still live at home and were taught very well by their older brother. We have installed keyed locks on all rooms that have anything we need to keep safe. We have to have these rooms locked at night (including our bedroom) and when we go to the store. We go to great lengths to stay one step in ahead of them. They have educated me in ways of deception and human cruelty that I didn't know existed. I have grown old in many ways and am only in my 40's. I am battling health issues and have been hospitalized for depression. I cannot work outside the house and have severe anxiety. I am jumpy and always on guard. Loud noises cause instant fear and severe anxiety.
Our extended family and all friends have abandoned us. My husband and I have 14 brothers and sisters between us and we have not seen any of them in 7+ years.
When we did reach out for support we heard, "they sound like normal kids." My best friend also said that to me when I was at an all time low. My husband was so mean in the first 4 years. The kids targeted me and set us up against each other. My husband and everyone else didn't believe me. Then I went on a trip for a week. My husband called me at about day 6 and said he now understands what I was talking about. In my absense, they were treating him like they treated me. I cried with the relief of it. They still try to set us up against each other. My husband does not have a good memory and I have to bring him back to the reality of their hatred for us. yes, I said hatred. That is what it feels like.
To those of you who read these posts but have not experienced the trauma of living with one or more of these kids, Please keep your comments to yourself unless they are supportive ones.
No one deserves to have to live in fear in their own homes. Cps, the courts, law enforcement, and the school system are not helpful or trustworthy. You will end up hanging yourself if you ask for help.
Trust your instincts.
Love isn't enough. Love doesn't save them.
Christian values doesn't save them. I don't believe anything can save them.
I read your story and it is so sad. The saddest part is ow true it is. I am 36 yr old female. Married to an amazing man. We have no children together. I have 3 bio children from prior to marriage. A son who is 20, daughter who is 18 and daughter who is 14. My 18 yr old put us through hell from the age of 13 until about 17. she started to mellow and is now a different person then she was. she was diagnosed at age 15 with bipolar, add, adhd, panic and anxiety. She refused meds and well life was a roller coaster. She is still not treated but a wonderful young woman and she and i have bonded in the past couple of months and not only do we have a relationship, but a good one!! so you are probably wondering what the hell does this have to do with this post? december 23, 2009 I was contacted by a woman who is my bio sis (from father) she told me during our conversation that we had a 3 yr old sister (from father) I spent 2 days looking for info trying to find her or her mother (who had child and had not been around sicne the child was a baby) online. I ended up finding a document for court. She was in state custody and had been for over a month. Long story short- her mothers boyfriend physically abused her and admitted to it. she was neglected by mom, not protected by mom, witnessed domestic violence, was born positive for THC. The mother and boyfriend were smoking weed out of a bong and allowed the child to as well. etc etc. There was also a half brother (shares the same mom as my little sister) He was about a month and half old. he was 3 weeks when taken into custody, he had been spanked and neglected. mom is told leave boyfriend go to rehab (using meth as well as THC) and she can get her children back. she refuses and denies boyfriend did anyting even though he PLEAD GUILTY to child abuse in court. (btw my little sisters name is laurel, the baby boy is michael)my father is finally able to establish paternity. he was 59 when she was born, mom was 16! so he has to have a psych eval and is never charged with criminal charges. i had not spoken to him in 10 years prior. in my entire life he has spend less than 4 years in it. so he cant raise her , mom signs away rghts. judge does NOT terminate his rights though he psychologically can not care for her, he is violent, etc etc. so they ask me to take her. and i am told by foster mom #1 that she has some issues. she has horrible tantrums, she threatens her foster dad etc. she goes to foster mom #2 ( who is sister to fm 1). during this time we were skyping with her as we were in hawaii she was in oregon. she was sweet but lacked manners, manipulated the foster mom, but these things were things that could be learned and unlearned. we were NEVER told the truth about her behaviors, we were NEVER given the background info on moms side, we were NEVER told how badly this kid had been abused and neglected etc. she has been in my home for 4 months now. we are supposed to get guardianship of her. My husband is deployed. i am disabled. have a rare genetic disease that is a neurological and nueromuscular disease. the kids doesn't just throw tantrums, she all out goes off the deep end. she hits kicks, spits, scratches, trips, punches, she is verbal abusive, she has told my 18 yr old that she wants her dead and then told my 14 yr old that she was gonna kill the 18 yr old. she punches doors and walls, kicks them, she randomly just hit our small chihuahua mix in the head with a water bottle, she will scream at the top of her lungs, she argues, she tries to dictate how things will be, she is oppositional, she clenches her fists, she gets in ur face and swings her head, she will get closer and closer, and we have no idea what sets her off. sometimes its when she is tired, sometimes because she has had sugar (so she no longer has food with sugar and will be romoving gluten too.) sometimes its because she WANTS TO. or, cuz she is mad, etc etc. there is no rhyme or reason, no pattern. when she is nice and loving she is wonderful. she hugs and kisses and wants to cuddle (which we taught her, no one had cuddled her before she came here)she has adjustment disorder with behavioral and emotional disturbances. the counselor wants to do a psych referral. case worker, say hell no. i basically had to send and email and an emergency call telling them i couldn't deal with her and was losing it befire i could get help. got sent to county mental health and they were stupid. FINALLY got someone with a brain. I feel bad this kid has been through bad stuff. Last night she told us that she saw her abuser and his brother hurt another kid and that one day they did it so bad that they killed the child. they threw his body in the trash. she tried to wake him up. she gave details. and she says his ghost is here and she talks to him and even tried to feed him pizza and xouldnt understand why he cant eat it. she is 6. she is NOT developmentally delayed. in fact she is advanced. she is in kindergarten reading and comprehension at a 3-4 grade level. her math is 1,2 grade. she can write full page stories. there is no report no case against the abuser (she calls him meanie) for this boy that she says was killed. I called her counselor today and left message, NO REPLY. im worried either way, either this is real (and i have no reason to believe otherwise) and the memory was triggered and she is reliving the trauma or she is delusional. she also told me yesterday that she hears voices call her name. some male some female. during the day when she is awake. and thats why she is always asking me if i said her name. her counselor is leaning towards bipolar disorder, but with this other stuff it seems more of a psychosis maybe? triggered by memory? also. ps multiple personalities is NOT a mental illness and IS NOT herditary. it is a coping mechanism which is used when a person/child goes through/has gone through multiple severe traumas in their life. each "personality" was/is created to deal with that trauma to protect the "self". I have alot of experience with this, my mother was dianosed 20 eyars ago with it and we have seen many psychitrists , counselors, experts, been educated etc. i feel like i cant keep this little girl. she has drained me and all my children and she is causing my health to deteriorate. but she has NO ONE else. no where else to go. and she is family..... im so lost, hurt, confused, feel alone as well....
forgot. she has also talked about wanting to play with fire. and burning someone. she also tells me that she wishes she had someone that she could just punch and kick whenever she gets mad. I know i know! part of me says NO! but part of me says YES! she also looks soooooooooo much like me. i just wonder if i can deal with some serious mental illness. any drug abuse even weed in utero predisposes a kid to mental illness, neglectful, abusive, violent, environments;abandonment issues, etc all cause issues with these kids. and yes it can CAUSE mental illness. so its not that they were necessarily born pre broken, their earliest development was bad. and having a bio child is no guarantee that the child wont have mental illness or other issues. its a roll of the dice. ugh see i am my own worst enemy. but i care how she would feel if sent back to dhs? unloved unwanted lower selfesteem and it was nonexistant when she got her, more abandonment etc.
thanks for readin. im sorry im just alone in this. no one here. family and friends dont see it so they dont understand and husband is deployed!
btw i DO agree that once a child bio/adoptive/foster/orphan/whatever that there comes a point when they cant use their "past" as a damned crutch and it is up to them to CHOOSE to be who and what they want to be in life. and i also agree this is more than "god" should give. I do not believe or worship him. My spiritual beliefs actually help to ground me. Because I know that "god" didn't do this to me or not do this or not help me or whatever. it is what it is and that is how life is. that simple. good deeds are rewarded by good , bad by bad. and then there is just the SHIT that happens....
Hi GracieLinda, I sent you a direct message about this subject, would love to get your input. Please get in touch if you feel comfortable with it, thanks so much, Kaitlyn
I am going threw the same issues except instead of the sexual mishaps it is violence towards my wife and 3 younger children. i have turned my blonde haired blue eyed daughter back to the state to get the physiological help that she deserves and highly needs to become a normal individual in society. I went to court and the proctor mom she lives with and the New case worker decided it would be in there benefit to turn the case around on my family and blame all her problems on us. "we caused them" since she moved in at the age of 4 years old. she threatened to slit my throat while i was sleeping two weeks after she moved in. she was still 4 years old. i tried everything to help her but thousands and thousands of dollars and many Dr.s and psychologist's later were talking 9 years of it. i decided it was time she needed more help than i could give her. so i formed a team with the State and proceeded to get her the help she needed. everything was going awesome until lately. after we gave them custody of her they have done nothing for her they have only made situations worse for her. they signed the case to a new case worker which has turned this hoopla on us the only parents that gave enough care to this child to try and make difference. I trully fell for ya. sorry everything went south.
Just have to add to my last comment I still Love my Daughter with all my heart and I hope she can take all the family values that we have bestowed on her and can make a positive change for the best I still talk to her on a daily basis and still tell her how much i love her. I think about her all day and night but cant have her in my house to hurt my wife and other children. they are 2 and 3 years of age. no matter how many threats on me and my wife we do still trully love her and wish her the best. I hope she can come home someday.
I adopted a child that came into our home from the NICU at 6weeks. From the state, foster to adopt. She has FETAL alcohol syndrome and has all problems listed and beyond. Sadly the damage is done even before birth...And she will live with the damage forever.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. People need to hear this. I know of a couple of families where the aftermath from adoption was horrendous. Including divorce as well as the biological children being affected and bitter, sexual abuse etc. When people are passionate about something they don't need to advocate in the church for instance. Some people just witnessed a family in our church in Sioux Falls pushing adoption on the congregation when they are naïve about the other side of the story. They also Did not put up any of their own money in the adoption and sent Christmas Cards asking for money for their daughters adoption from China. The fact that people go into debt width the births and help with conception with kids, it didn't seem right this pastoral couple was asking for every single expense to be covered by the congregation.
this is sort of like the movie orphan but has a more twisted end.
Well, this is what happens when people bring in outsiders, and adopted unwanted children - they are unwanted for a reason, because of people not choosing abortions - others pay the price. I'm sorry i don't feel sorry for you because you could have gave her back when she was younger, adoption agencies never tell you the child's history, she could have been with another family and the step-father sexually abused her so she does it now..its a cycle! If abortions never existed we would have more of these types of cases...you ruined your only sons life becuase you wanted more children from other places! outsiders coming in!
I saw a movie that was about what you described. I casn't remember the name of the movie, but it left me sick of my stomach. Do you know of a movie that was so much as your life?
Severed by Adoption ... please visit loveforgrace.org
Severed by Adoption .... Please visit loveforgrace.org
Hi gracie Linda!
It will be a really good idea for you to write a book about your experiences. You can gave more detail and teach people many things about life.
I have been considering adopting another child. I have 3 bio and would have considered younger, around 7 but now... I don't think I want to. I have great skills but don't think my youngest daughter needs this. Also, I can help way more people by keeping myself fully focused on my profession. I appreciated the stories from people with strong backgrounds who regretting bringing that home.
I do want to encourage everyone to consider age regression hypnosis. Be careful who you hire as standards vary but I am a master hypnotist and have been amazed at the results I have had as have my peers.
I'm not accepting clients from here so I am not soliciting. Just in case someone misunderstands my intent.
Age regression follows emotions back in time and, when at the first experience, can help them be reframed with more maturity and insight.
After that, some cognitive behavior hypnotherapy helps break patterns.
I will clearly state that results vary and I am not responsible for others treatments.
All I can say is, when done right, the results can be well worth the cost and research needed to bring it into fruition.
Best of luck to everyone.
I was adopted by my dad when he married my mom. I was 2 and my brother 5. I still had trouble dealing with being rejected by bio dad. It is a heavy heavy burden, even when there is a happily ever after. My brother had more trouble than I did but he is doing well now too.
The best advice I received was to love my bio dad because it was best for me in order to love myself. Liking him and what he did was totally desperate and something to worry about facing as an adult. I did that at 23 and went to my parents with hugs. I thanked them for raising me with a childhood and supporting me when I met him. The reality is... I actually don't really like him as a person.
Healthy, well-adjusted, loved and only 2 yet I still struggled with being adopted by one of my parents yet I consider myself the lucky one. I have a great dad!
I feel sorry for you all and I think that there are horror stories on both sides I am not an adopted child or parent but, a birth mother who was taken advantage of. caught up in a bout of depression and anxiety about having another child a year apart. A social worker that I called to talk my problems through encouraged me to give my son up for adoption she pushed for it with a lot of force and christian thing to do. Even helped me hide my pregnancy from my family she only talked to me three times while I was pregnant the last time being when i was signing the papers giving up my son. It wasn't until a couple of days later that I realized how much she had kept from me the couple that I choose for my son are wonderful and I wanted to get to know them. I wanted them to attend the birth but was told they couldn't take time to come. I asked them would they be able to get there to pick my son up from the hospital because he was a preemie and had to stay a couple of days. They said yes! I found out a couple of years later while taking to the adopted parents on the phone for the first time that they found out about my son being available after he was born. They never knew that I wanted to meet them nor did they know that I wanted them to attend the birth. And all the time I thought it was too late to change my mind because, my son was with his adopted parents and I couldn't bring myself to hurt them. he was actually here not too far away because, they had to wait until the time elapsed that I had to back out of the adoption. Time I never knew about! He was my youngest and will be 14yr this year. I was mad for a long time about all the misinformation and lies the lack of follow up help. They never told me how bad it would hurt or kept there promises about the pictures I would receive yearly those stopped about 11yrs ago. I try to gain some peace from the one phone call that I had with his mother. I have never laid eyes on him but, I feel his loss as if he died. I think apart of me died the day I let myself be talked into something I wasn't sure of. I tell you all this story because there are always bad sides to everything. Birth parents, adopted parents, and adopted kids. Luckily for me I have learned to live with it but, I feel for people on the other end who adopt a child with only the best intentions and are mislead about their problems. I truly believe that social workers know exactly what they are doing and they just don't care. Most have said it correctly sometimes love is not enough some kids have too many problems and are not the correct fit for a family but, to get them adopted they will keep that from you in order to say they found a child a home. From my own experience I have learned to not trust everyone so easily. I have two beautiful teenagers and I am happy now. I wish all of you luck and my heart goes out to you all. I hope that you are able to find some form of peace in knowing that as a parent you can only do so much and somethings can not be fixed but, you did nothing wrong they did by not making sure you were well informed about what you were signing up for.
hay there
Wow. Such pain. Your details made the story gripping. I am so sad that your family was ruined. I'm glad your son is alive; is he doing any better now? I'm sorry for your marriage dissolving, too. What a sad thing. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sorry, but I don't have any sympathy for you. Yes, Holly was indeed a troubled child but you didn't even cared anough to help her. Why didn't you put her in a mental health institution or found her a good therapist when the very first incident occurred? Do not tell me you haven't noticed anything from the very first time the abuse happened. You told her to leave your son alone? Really? That was the best you could do to protect your own son? You did fail as a parent. Yes, these children are a mess and some parents dothe best they can but you failed. Both Holly and your own son. I'm so mad that people like you adopt and when the child isn't "good" you wanna gave up immediately. Stop adopting these children for your own selfish needs. These kids neeed help, they are not hopeless cases as you want to make them to look like. Holly could've been helped at the age of 6. You absolutely are to blame for her failure. I take my child's hand and I make sure she is in school, sitting in her classrom every day. You did NOTHING to help her. SHAME ON YOU.
GracieLinda, I do thank you for your story. We were looking to adopt a boy that is 11 yrs. This boy disrupted a previous adoptive home, drove the mother to almost insanity and their marriage was almost over, they had this boy for 7 years. Finally after years of therapy, Couples therapy, Family therapy, individual therapy they relinquish their rights. This boy didn't even share a tear for his family, the case worker say that this mother was horrible to this boy, that she was inadequate (but still, they let her adopt 3 other kids) so we came in and we are in a period of transition. I have a 9yr. old boy and two days ago this other boy was poking my son butt with his hand, while my son was trying to get in to the trampoline, I told him to stop and he lied at first then he said that he wasn't thinking, I grilled the case worker about any sexual issues this boy might have and she said she was new to the case. I have my doubts now. This boy is very disconnected, is just all about him, no remorse when he does wrong things and he feels very entitled. I am afraid that something may happen, and then I'll get the idiots like Bea and the others that judge you because you didn't help the little monster! I do thank you for your honesty and I am sorry for you and your family. I am sorry for the ex-adoptive family of this boy too. The damage is done.
Wow I was just saying today that I love my son so much and that I have too much love for him so I want to adopt a child and share some of that love. No thank you. This was the first website I went to and I remembered that social workers can't be trusted.
I remember when I was younger my mom temporarily got two children a 6 year old and an 8 year old. They were the sweetest kids ever. They wanted to clean up, they wanted to do good. They were very smart.
But they had ADHD or something like that. They were just to hyper for my mom to handle. They had other behavioral issues but they were very very minor. The problem is our social worker knew about them and didn't disclose it to my mom. Those kids have been to many houses because of it.
I would love to adopt a child but wont because social workers can't be trusted.
I would love to say I have no idea what you're talking about, unfortunately that is not the case.
My husband and I adopted a sibling group out of our state's foster system almost 20 years ago.
The first three years were hell on wheels... naturally the kids had "issues" from being born addicted, and from bouncing around the foster system... (no one would keep our daughter more than 3 months at a time) but things got better... beautiful even... and we had our "Ten Beautiful Years" where everything not only seemed, it was, truly beautiful.
It seems the age-appropriate-season of stepping into life as young adults re-awakened the Reactive Attachment Disorder, and abandonment issues in our adoptees when they were about 2 months to 18 and 21
One semester away from home and our 3.8 AA degreed (from a local community college) adopted daughter resigned from her scholarshipped out-of-state bachelor's degree program and begged to come home. I picked her up at the end of her 4 months away at college and she returned to us a different person.
It seems college away from home had re-awakened RAD and "grown it up" into behaviors that attacked us as only Reactive Attachment Disorder can.
Our adopted children have been estranged from us for 4 years now, after what I call their "conjoined meltdown."
Four months ago, our first grandchild was born to our adopted daughter courtesy of a man who claims 4 children as his through various women.
Our adopted daughter has been trying to use our grandchild to manipulate us... we won't allow it. This daughter's mental illness has caused her to make false allegations against us. We have been urging/encouraging/offering to pay for psychiatric intervention for her... she refuses. As long as she refuses to work toward healing, she remains a very dangerous person.
I blog about our experience elsewhere under TenBeautifulYears Ten Beautiful Years (...And a Heart FULL of Hope!)
I'm grateful you've shared your experience, I'm not happy others are living our parallel universe, but I am grateful for the knowledge that I am not alone in my experience.
Our kids have "issues" (in my adoptees' case it's mental illness, and lots of early-life traumas). These issues are not their fault... it's not my fault either.
As an adult Adoptee, it is encouraging to see the true stories of adoption being told at last. As some have said love is not enough. Some kids will never be adoptable and it is time professionals etc were honest about each child's history.The role some churches are playing is irresposible, ill informed and dangerous.
Many years ago, my husband and I adopted 2 little girls from the foster care system. This was a NIGHTMARE!!!! It destroyed our marriage, caused our biological children great emotional damage. I so regret adopting these girls. I wouldn't do it again. I learned a lot from the experience and feel a great sorrow when I hear of adoptive families struggling.
Hello, My name is Tammy and my wonderful husband's name is Shane. We've been
married just over 10 years. We've been ttc for the past 9 years with no luck. We've
now decided that adoption is the right option for us. We've been looking into the
process over the past year or so. We're not a wealthy family but we have more
than enough love to make up for it. We live in a small town in Ohio, We're actually
hoping to do an adoption through the birth parent/parents that way the money
spent can be put directly towards things for the child rather than wasted on pricey
legal fees eat. So my question is, Where do we start? Who should we contact? I can
be reached via e-mail email@example.com or call +2348163974382
Thanks and god bless.
I have though about adoption, I have a friend who's cousin adopted boy form Russia. He has had major health issues. They had no idea. I think you should write a book, I got married a month ago, my step-daughter, hate that label, I say daughter is almost 15. I though about adoption, because I can't have kids, but I keep finding more and more horrific stories about adoption. If my husband and decided to adopt, what should we took up? Classes we can take?? I'm a stay at home mom.
It is rare for me to uncover something on the web thats as entertaining and intriguing as what you have got here. Your page is sweet, your graphics are great, and what's much more, you use source that are relevant to what you're saying. That you are undoubtedly one in a million, well done! facegeacdcag
Are you sure she was diagnosed with sociopathy? I was under the impression that doctors refrained from diagnosing people with personality disorders until they'd reached adulthood. I'm not in any way trying to make your story seem any less meaningful or serious, but this is an interest of mine.
I am a bio son of two parents that tried to "help" a needy child. My "brother" was the monster in my room, the demon in my closet, my biggest bully in school, the sick, sadist, abuser that would never stop hurting, humiliating and torturing me, even trying to kill me, all under the observation of two parents powerless to protect me due to his size and their denial that anything was seriously wrong.
He was adopted as an infant and is only 6 months older than I - in those days not much was know about genetics - so the genetic cesspool he was spawned from - a drunken whore in the basement in some Detroit shit-hole and four different guys passing her around like the piece-of-shit she is, his father not having enough sense to pull-out and leave my "brother" behind as a stain on couch cushion and saving future generations of my family - was unknown.
After the death of my father, he took half his wealth and spent it on his low-life bio-father and drug-addicted, whore half-sisters with 3-5 kids each, all from different fathers of course. His three white-trash, drug-addicted, whore daughters from his alcoholic wife ate up the last of it.
28-years have gone by since I moved out, and the monster still thrives, looking for more, from me... covets what little I have, and is just as dangerous as it ever was... it never goes away, you can never be truly rid of it.
My family was once great- in 50s and 60s we were physicists, chemists and educators; statesmen and scholars, it amazing how this one bad decision has destroyed our family and our 300-year American legacy. If I had the wealth and strength I would sue him for our name back. Since he has no integrity it wouldn't cost much, but I have so little now, I can't even muster that. I just have to keep running, like always, like Brendan, keep moving don't let the monster catch us.
Children spawned from these love-less beginnings are incapable of love, kindness, or mercy - abort them while you can - it's the only way...
So many pieces of your story, make me cringe for that poor girl being placed in your care...Anything else you want to blame her for?
In response to Defenseless, your comment is quite odd. I too was a bio-child who was in a home where a severely abused boy from a very bad background was brought into the home. While it definitely caused problems, esp. for my younger brother, I think you've let your adult life be consumed by bitterness. This adopted brother ruined your childhood, but you've allowed him to ruin your adult life too. One child does not take a family "with 300 years of history" and throw it to the dustbin, that makes absolutely no sense. Did this adopted brother some how ruin all the lives of your cousins and other relatives? You don't seem much better off than the brother you so revile. While he may have squandered half your parent's fortune on his 'white trash family," what exactly did you accomplish with your inheritance. I would think you would do much better since you were also blessed with such outstanding DNA. I can't imagine such brilliant parents were so blind to your brother's terrible traits. Even if they were, when you turned 18 you had the ability to take your life into your own hands. To run from his shadow, to break free of all the power he seems to have over you. Instead, it seems you have allowed your life to be consumed with bitterness. All problems in your life, and your family's, you blame on this one person. It seems a bit far fetched and you've made this brother a scapegoat for the failures of your own life.
I do not deny the destruction a psychopathic or violent/abusive child can cause a family. They can cause great turmoil and heartache. However, I think you've allowed your hatred of this brother, and his abuse towards you, to consumer your entire life. It's very sad. The best revenge would have been to forget him, cut off all contact and work on having a successful and happy life for yourself.
All the failures and unhappiness of your life cannot be pinned on an adopted brother, you share the responsibility for your own adult life and all it's success and failures.
Just have to say that I believe your story. I have lived parts of it and the general public just does not get it. Neither should they, I wish I still had my old world view in tact, though that is gone with the wind. I do not believe you are "blaming" anything on her, whomever said that is speaking from lack of knowledge. A child like this can and will wreck havoc on a family. Joe Q Public just can't believe a child is capable of lying and manipulation. If that were so, there would be no child actors, and yet, there are.
Looking to adopt and google the good side and the nightmares... The nightmares got to me. I dont even want to think one of this kids who i want to help "rape" my innocent child. that right there is where I stop this non sense. thanks so much for the article. what it puzzles it me is why if many of you know this "fosters_adopt kids are rapist" you dont denounce them to the law.
This is horrifying. Not because of you, but the sweet little girl. SHE WAS SIX and obviously severely abused. You blamed HER? That shows that you weren't a good Foster parent. She needed love and to feel accepted but you told her "to stay away from your son." That very much alienated her. And what will that do? Oh yea, make her act out more. At 6, was she a horrible human? Not at all. Just a traumatized little girl who was shown contempt by everyone who was supposed to love her. And your son? Do not blame his issues on her. He is an adult and capable of getting help. You must have a weak mindset if you are allowing this to cause you bitterness now. YOU are the one that needs help.
I'm wondering why there is not more awareness about the vast downsides to adoption. I'm involuntarily childless due to many painful losses and the fact that my current fiancé already has biological children and then had a vasectomy before he met me. The emptiness and pain of not being able to love a child of my own and be a mother is beyond overwhelming. So many people say to me, "Why don't you just adopt?!" as if this is like going to the Humane Society to pick up a kitten. I've explored the adoption process and it's wildly expensive ($60K to $80K, average) and takes years to complete and is extremely invasive (physically, financially, and emotionally). A friend of mine adopted from China and had to travel in person to China several times during the process, and ended up with a little girl that the adoption agency had lied about having a medical condition. This is only one story of pitfalls of adoption out of countless stories I've heard. So then last week I was thinking I could give love and a great home to an older child after I heard an "Adopt Us Kids" ad on the radio. I have so much love in my heart to give and I know I'd be a great parent. I looked at all kinds of children's profiles on the Adopt website and fell in love with many of their stories and photos. I had decided to apply to foster or adopt, but then I Googled negative stories of adoption and found this site. These horror stories remind me of my fiancé's horrible children, who no longer live with us but did for three years. I thought that there was no hell on earth like that of evil and hateful "step" children, but now I see it can be even worse. There are few things more nightmarish than being afraid in your own home, and I did experience this every time my fiancé's children were staying with us. I can't even stand the thought of an adopted child threatening my pets or friends or other family, or me. I guess there must be some loving adopted relationships out there, but I've yet to hear of one. I think I'll have to accept the fact that these children are not like fictionalized and idealized accounts we read or see on tv (Little Orphan Annie or Oliver Twist) – they are the product of hate and evil from infancy. I'd rather remain childless than have to witness this horror first hand, especially after finally passing the stage where the step-children are no longer in my home. Good luck to all those who pursue adoption; you have a bigger and more giving heart than I.
The story of how I came to be is kind of complex and hard to fallow, but that is why I'm writing it down. The psychology behind my family is complex. I feel it should be part of the public record. Someone should be held accountable.
My biological mother was a 16 year old alcoholic when she snuck into a bar and got pregnant buy an intoxicated one night stand. I didn't have the guts to ask her if she drank while she was pregnant with me, except for the night I was conceived, pretty likely. When I met my biological mother for the first time I was 45 right after my adopted father died. It was a disastrous and damaging encounter. What struck me was how much my biological mother sounded like me. She proceeded to tell me about her mother how was a extreme alcoholic, opposed to my biological grandfather who was a normal alcoholic. so much so that my biological mother showed me a newspaper clipping of her mother my biological grandmother who made the front page of the paper for killing herself and her friend in a drunk driving accident that she caused. Normally that woodnt make the front page except for the fact she was 85 when she caused the accident. Extreme alcoholism runs in my biological mothers family. My biological mother as well as her sister never had any children of their own, to me this is obvious damage from alcoholic parents. From what I can find out about my biological father who refuses to talk to me, from the internet is that for years he has been working as a part time janitor at a church. His face book account has know wife or children picture on it. To me this looks obviously like alcoholism. After my mother got pregnant she ended up putting me up for adoption through a doctor, who had a reputation as being an unethical drug dealing doctor in town who you could get anything from. Dr Weston. Both my biological mother and my adopted mother told me the exacts samething, unsolicited by me. The reasons she chose that doctor I never asked but it probable had something to do with cheaper, less regulation or none, didn't have to have the fathers consent any or all those reasons. I suspect that this doctor was an addic, buy his poor disition making skills. Meanwhile my adoptive father was getting turned down by 4 to 5 adoption agencies because of his reputation as the town drunk he told me this himself trying to show me how much he wanted me, all I could think was why didn't you listen to them. Just like my biological mother I to had a adoted parent that was an extreme alcoholic. For those of you who are not familiar with over the top extreme alcoholism. My father was the one that made all the other alcoholic feel better about themselves. Examples growing up at company picnicks coworkers and spouses wood give me a disgusted look because my father was dead drunk passed out next to me on the couch at 10am. I also got a suspicious disapproving looks from people in public because I was my father's son. When I got old enough to go into bars bartenders mouths wood drop open when they found out I was jims macnamees kid and proceed to tell me how much my father drank , I already knew. I learned very young to call my father before 4pm on work bays because any later he would be drunk out of his mind. The only advice I can ever remember from my father was if you're going to drink and drive take the back roads and drive slow. Carried a case of gin in his trunk wherever he went. My father lived almost his whole life in a hotel downtown because that is a good place for an alcoholic to live, walking distance to several bars. My adopted father was recruited right out of a bar buy the owners of an insurance company to be an insurance salesman who would handle the out of town client that were away from there families and wanting to party it up and drink all night. Alaska has a high alcoholism rate because its dark and cold outside and for most of the winter it's too cold to even do winter sports, so a lot of drinking goes on during those long winters. Plus he was already living down town in a hotel next to the company hotel room. I always thought my father won the job lottery, How often can a extreme alcoholic get a 60,000 dollar a year job were drinking was part of the job .I don't remember my adopted parents ever being together , my mother left my father because of his extreme alcoholism even though she drank a lot herself and moved us out of state. I found out on his death bed that he was brutally beaten his whole childhood by his extreme alcoholic father and then his father died suddenly when he was 16. I finally understood my father, in his world all he had to do was not brutally beat his kids to be a good father. My father was the complete opposite , avoided any confrontation never got mad never disciplined his children. Did all kinds of horrible behaviors growing up never got so muck as a talking to. he was incapable of any kind of parenting. Looking back I can see that he had lifelong mental trauma from his childhood. Growing up he never talked about his childhood his father his mother his siblings. Never seemed to have opinions or beliefs. Never had dreams, he didn't have heroes or people he respected. I don't know foresure, but I seems the only thing he learned from his abusive father was how to keep quit and not make waves. I had an older brother who was also adopted the reason my father was able to adopt him was because he adopted out of state were know one new of his extreme alcoholism. I'm not prejudice but it took me tell I was 45 to realize my older brother was a probable a Jew I don't know foreshore but he looked like a Jew, he has a Jew nose, from a very young age my brother rejected my adopted father and mother because of his alcoholism, he considered the whole family to be low life's his whole life and rejected his adopted mother because he thought she would be trying to get money from him. Even though he had a world class alcoholic for a father he never ever tried drinking. He did all he could do to distances himself from the family. He was born naturally good with money, good saveing skills, he ended up controlling all the family inheritance. And cheated me and my sister out of 33 thousand dollars of inheritance. became religious, even though he was raised in a family with no religion or values and know financial skills. He on newmoris acations coned me out of money. I don't know whether he is a Jew or not if knot he should be made an honorary Jew because he was suck a good one. The Jew characteristics I got from the internet. sorry no offence. Im sure there is a lot of wonderful jews and being great with money isn't the worst thing you could say about someone. He was born with the instincts not to even try a alcoholic drink, he was born with religious instincts greedy money making and saving instincts. That seems to explain the huge difference between me and my brother growing up. I asked him at my mother hospice what was I suppose to do reject dad to how was that going to work both his adopted son rejecting our father.
After being told by a doctor my adopted parented couldn't conceive a child. Miraculously my adopted mother got pregnant with her biological daughter. My biological mother told me when she was drunk that all she ever wanted was a baby girl and she got her. She said she didn't even like boys. Needless to say me and my brother became second class children after my sister was born. I don't ever remember my mother ever hugging me which was alright buy me I was adopted after all. I wood of been nice though if she wood of tried. Looking back I realized because of my dad's addiction he made poor disition in my life. Supporting me for 48 years and never making me stand on my own two feet was one of the big ones. When I was real young my father started to tell me what I was going to do when I grew up, never got the chance to dream about what I wanted to be when I grew up he decided for me. I'm 52 and not once in my life have I supported myself. That realization causes me a lot of damage.
Some of you disgust me the way you judge and talk about human beings as though they were dogs from a kennel. The way you try to make yourselves to be these " saints" who tried to make a difference and now are the victims. Clearly you took on more than you could handle. I have experience with adopting a child who was abandoned by a drug addict mother I have raised him since 1 years old , and yes we had some rough patches but I legitimately loved him and was patient and put 100 percent in to raising him. Obviously none of you are capable of truly loving an other person with out gain. And by the way my son turned into a loving sweet gentle 19 year old who is a manager at a clothing store in the mall, in college has his own car and is looking in to joining the army. And my marriage is 18 years strong. I never treated him as though I was doing him this huge favor nor did I ever refer to him as damaged or the way some of you speak so ill of these children. Horrible, I'm not saying that these things do not happen. It's the way you speak about these kids your tones the way you attempt to make yourselves sound like your doing these "horrible kids" a public service. And blaming them for all your problems. You sound very self centered and fake. The moment you began to have problems it should have been handled immediately. Did you really want to make a difference ? Or did you do it for selfish reasons? Children can sense when someone really cares they are very intuitive. If you can not give 100 percent of yourself to them honestly, they will know and behavior issues will happen. Adoption is NOT for everyone. Some people just should not be teachers or parents either because they really want to be for the wrong reasons. If you want someone to love you get a dog or a cat. If you want to brag and say how you are such a good person because you adopted some poor creature get a dog or cat. Stop constantly repeating how their biological parents were drug addicts and so on and so forth. Did you constantly do that in front of these kids? Or with in earshot? Do you think that makes you look good? That is hurtful and damaging to constantly be reminded that they were unwanted and how they should grovel at your feet because you adopted them.
I can see your point, but aren't you, then, by condemning these other families also saying that you, yourself, is a saint?? It certainly seems as though you are trumpeting your accomplishments. Maybe foster care and adoption isn't for everyone. I, myself, am fostering a child who is proving to be extremely challenging. I am not complaining, I am simply stating a fact. But I think you shouldn't be hard on parents who find they are struggling in their personal situations. They/we all had good intentions--the same as you--they are simply airing their frustrations. I'm sorry they can't all be as perfect as you, but that doesn't mean they are less loving or have less love to give to these children than you do. Try to be a little less perfect and remember that we all handle situations differently.
The story of our adoption of older children is told here on HubPages, too. Our son was fine. He was four years younger than his sister Sarah and although he'd been neglected, he'd not been abused. Sarah had been sexually abused by her birth father and the two children had been abandoned to the county by their month. Our story is here if you want to read it: "Sarah, the Suicide of our Adult Child." When we got the children, Sarah was nine and Jason was five.
Some people I know have adopted older children and it worked out, although they did have a lot of problems to work through. I would recommend that most people who already have natural children not adopt older children who come with baggage, since, as you've pointed out, you may not be able to help them and they may destroy your family. Anyone adopting an older child not related should read up on what they can realistically expect so that they can be prepared to have their hearts broken and possibly be falsely accused of child abuse. This is especially true if a child has been sexually abused.
I weep with you for what you have endured and for what you have lost.
Firstly, I'm so sorry for all of the pain that you & your family have endured. My heart's broken for your biological child who endured such heinous abuse by the girl, you so graciously, decided to make your daughter. As an 8 y/o girl with a younger brother, my own parents decided to become foster parents. A baby was sent to live with us. My parents became attached almost immediately. The state never once, sent them the compensation, they were promised. My parents were afraid if they asked for their money, the child would be removed. They did end up adopting this child (one of 8 born to a mentally slow, welfare mother) As soon as this child became old enough to talk, she would constantly attempt to make my brother & I suffer. She made up lies to get us into trouble( BIG lies where we'd be BEATEN in front of her and she'd smile as she watched). Since, she was adopted, my parents never laid a hand on her. She was treated as someone special and my parents never believed that she was lying & stealing. She pretended to be an angel as she repeatedly stole money from my parents/grandparent (and blamed it on my brother). I watched my parents work hard and watched her take almost everything they owned. She once borrowed my mom's car and never returned it. They did nothing. They just went without a car. She stole from neighbors and blamed it on others. She lied to schoolteachers & neighbors about what was going on in our home. She's very deceptive & sneaky and is good at playing the innocent victim. Her lies and thefts have caused so much divide in our family. My parents defend her and pity her and excuse her actions because "Poor girl was neglected as a baby". Her birth mother was lazy not abusive. Now she's back in with her birth family & never contacts my parents unless she needs money. I don't even speak to my brother anymore since I caught them in a 'compromising position' and am still so disgusted, I could vomit. I grew up wondering WHY my parents loved the adopted child more than they loved my brother & I. Why did our parents allow her to get away with lying & stealing? We were not rich & my brother & I went without so she could have extras. There are more painful problems, she caused that I can't even discuss. Please, if you're going to adopt a child don't mistreat your own children in the process. I would never adopt a child if I already had biological kids. Believe me, your birth children will suffer.