text:
"A cogent point, well made. At least, that is what I would say if my esteemed opponent was capable of making points which were cogent or well-made. Sadly, I live in disappointment. Woe to us that this world causes such pessimism, but it seems my opponent respects you, my audience, even less than he respects common decency and morality. That can be the only reason he trots out tired rote repetitions of the intellectually bankrupt doctrines of Arkheostotle rather perform original research. Why, he was too busy as to even count the number of teeth in the human jaw! But what was he doing instead of basic verification of his hypothesis? Well, I have certain testimonies here which I believe I shall entertain you with by reading out loud in a mocking tone. Respectable ladies in the audience, such as my opponent's wife, may wish to cover their ears and observe the overhead projection instead, which will be displaying amusing yet factual sketches of his adventures with Madame 'Ka Shwing'."
– Eleanore de la Vallière
The next morning, Louise, fully armoured save for her helmet, stepped neatly up to her sister's door and knocked on it. The racket from the Gauntlet made the whole rigmarole of getting changed worth it.
A decidedly tousled-looking Cattleya blearily opened the door. She smelt notably of blood, and there were red-brown speckles on her nightgown. "Mmmurgh," she managed. "Later. Tired. Sleep."
"Cattleya, it's almost lunchtime."
"Yes. Far, far too early. Wait until… two."
Louise crossed her arms. "We need to have the conversation with Princess Henrietta about you. Right now. To clear the air and so we don't have to keep on dancing around the topic."
Cattleya groaned and massaged her brow. "Give me ten minutes. Freshen up and wake up, and I'll be there. Then sleepy time again."
"I'll help you," Louise said firmly. "To prevent you from… oh, say, going straight back to bed again." She glanced into the room, with its carpet of sleeping wolves and mussed maids. "Uh… though we're taking you through to my bathroom. And if you dose off again, I'll send the minions to wash you."
"I'll be good," Cattleya said in a small voice.
It was a rather more kempt and coherent Cattleya who presented herself to the princess in the great hall. Henrietta was curled up on one of the cushioned seats, reading a book. The princess was dressed in a rather tight pale pink shift, although she had hinted –smiling as she did so – to Louise that Jessica was almost done with a more formal garment.
"Your highness," Louise said formally, helmet held under her arm, "may I present to you my sister."
"My goodness!" Cattleya said cheerfully. "Little Henrietta! Haven't you grown so much! Last time I saw you, you were all adorable and tiny and rosy-cheeked! You wanted the biggest slice of cake at my tenth birthday party! And took it! And pushed over the boy who was going to take that plate! And then took Louise's cake too!"
Louise sighed. She really should have seen this coming. She also had no memory of having her cake taken by Henrietta. Perhaps Cattleya was making it up. She wouldn't put it beyond her. Or at the very least, she was 'remembering' it as more amusing than it actually was.
Henrietta blushed. "I did? I would just like to say, I'm very sorry for that," she said quickly. "That was very rude of me indeed." She paused. "Um. Louise Françoise, I must say… your sister's eyes are glowing somewhat. A certain… oh, crimson colour?"
"Only a little bit!" Cattleya protested.
"Yes, Henrietta," Louise said. "That was why I felt I had to clear the air here."
"Ah," Henrietta said understandingly. "The way she never went to court. The paleness. The slightly morbid air around her. She's dead, no? Well, rather, undead."
"You'd guessed?"
"Well, seeing her like this let me put things together." Henrietta paused, clearly considering how to phrase what she was about to say. "She's most certainly a lich, isn't she?"
"Uh." Louise paused. "Not… quite."
"Ah! Then she's a ghoul! I have no idea what ancient curse on the de la Vallière line reawakened with her, but there rather a lot of them and I do know that cannibalism has been most regretfully prevalent among your forefathers."
"No, I…"
"Hmm. Well, I do remember that she was very musical. Is she a banshee?"
"She's a vampire!" Louise managed, as this seemed to be the only way she could get the words out.
"Hello!" Cattleya said, waving.
"Oh. Oh," Henrietta said quietly. Her face fell. "That's… uh. A thing."
"Is that a problem?" Louise asked quickly, moving over to support her friend. She took Henrietta's hand, and the other girl squeezed it back, her lips locked in a thin nervous line.
"I… I can't say I like vampires very much," Henrietta said quietly. "I was kidnapped by one when I was twelve. It was the scariest time, especially since it was only the second attempt."
"Oh, don't worry about that," Cattleya said warmly. "I hate vampires too. I try to kill them whenever I can. Each one I kill makes the world a better place and they also taste so good. I mean, really good. Like, eating vampires is better than…" she trailed off. "Um, killing them gives me the taste of revenge?"
"Do you promise not to try to drink my blood?" Henrietta said. Louise could feel her shaking slightly.
"She promises," Louise said, her voice hard, "don't you, Catt? And she also promises not to actually drink your blood, or do anything else which is like that. Right."
Cattleya pouted. "Yes! Honestly! I am not going to feed from the princess! I have animals, thank you very much! And I also have my maids who are willing volunteers, for your information! It's very hurtful when people assume that…"
Louise raised an eyebrow. "Assume that vampires are blood-drinking scary monsters?"
"Yes! I'm a very friendly and cuddly blood-drinker!"
Louise felt that Cattleya had not focussed on the correct part of the sentence, but she didn't care to argue at the moment. Especially when Henrietta was squeezing her hand quite hard, and so needed to reassure her. "Yes. She is." Louise crossed the fingers of her free hand behind her back, and then reconsidered if she really had to do that. After all, Cattleya was friendly and cuddly. She just was… uh, someone who was kind of scary when she was tearing people's heads off. "Henrietta, you just have to understand, I only found this out since I started this whole overlady business. She was attacked by Louis de la Vallière when she was ten…"
"The Bloody Duke?" Henrietta gasped.
"Yes," Louise said grimly. "He was doing it to punish my parents for daring to be Good – especially my father, for falling in love with my mother. So he went after my sister." She paused. "Well, when we went to deal with him, he actually said he was going after me, but I had my window closed and Catt didn't."
"Killing him was wonderful," Cattleya said, eyes glazing over slightly. "I never thought I'd get to do that. I got to pay him back for a decade of… of this, and it was jolly satisfying."
"Yes, we destroyed him just before last Silver Pentecost," Louise said.
"I thought vampires got better if you killed the one who bit them?" Henrietta said, frowning. "And you can let go of my hand, Louise. I… I just had a shock."
Louise blushed, and let go. "They do?" she said.
Cattleya shook her head. "It only works for a very short period," she said with a shrug, her expression turning slightly brittle. "It always works if it's done before you die, and sometimes it works if you do it before the new vampire feeds. But they couldn't kill him, and it was let me feed or starve me to re-death." She flashed a smile. "So there's no cure there. I just un-live with it. That's me, I suppose. I'm helping my little sister with this, and then I'm headed home back to Mother and Father."
Henrietta swallowed. "Well, uh," she began, "I very much appreciate your help with this, thank you."
Cattleya gave a wide grin. "Oh, it's no problem! None at all! I'm very very very glad to be helping! After all, those people in the Council are a bunch of dratted rotters! And that sugar-headed stinker, the Viscount de Wardes, didn't even wait a season after my little sister was supposedly dead to jump into the arms of another woman! That's dreadfully improper!"
Louise sighed in relief. "Well, now that we've said that, maybe we can go get Jessica and begin the planning for the…"
"No," Cattleya said firmly. "I am going back to bed, and that's that. Proper young ladies get at least eight hours sleep a night, and I went to bed at five in the morning because there were things I had to do, so my carefully planned sleep regime is already out of synch. Good… uh, lunchtime, Louise. Don't start the planning thingiemabob without me." Turning on her heel, she walked out. And then turned back again, and let out a high pitched squeal. "And it's so adorable that my little sister has started courting! And an emperor, no less!"
Louise turned red. "It's not courting! It's just… I… I just want to keep on good terms with him, because he's the emperor of Cathay!"
"Yes! Blush like that in front of him! He'll love it!"
"Bed, Catt! Sleep!"
The thing Louise noticed over lunch was that all of a sudden, the tower had acquired a human element. Even if part of the human element was a tousled half-demon eating something involving sliced root vegetables fried in oil. She wasn't alone save for the minions. And it had all happened since she had visited home, just before the Silver Pentecost.
She happily cut herself another slice of soft cheese, layering it onto bread.
She was almost certain that Jessica and Henrietta were planning something. Louise recognised Henrietta's mischief-face, and Jessica had a natural-born talent for impish grins. She was going to ignore that for now, however, because she somewhat doubted she could do anything to stop it.
"Your evilness," Gnarl said, "if you have a few moments, I have things I must clarify with you."
Louise wiped her mouth. "Go ahead," she said.
He produced a pile of documents from nowhere. "I have checked and marked these things, and there are multiple errors. Your wickedness, it is necessary for both precision and reliability within the internal workings of your dark empire. It would be advisable for you to correct these mistakes."
"Um," Louise said, with rising concern. "Yes, thank you very much, Gnarl. Just leave them on my desk and I'll get around to them, really, I will. I just have a meeting I really need to attend."
Gnarl bowed. "Certainly, your wickedness," he said, hobbling off.
Louise breathed a sigh of relief. "Quick," she said to the others. "Let's get this thing done before he can find more things to foist off on me."
"Louise Françoise," Henrietta observed, "he was right that mistakes are quite unacceptable in such things. My tutors made that eminently clear."
Louise almost said something rude about the aforementioned tutors and how she would have them thrown to the minions, but bit back the comment. She was just feeling short. Short tempered, that was. Not short in height. Even though she was the smallest human in the tower. Even in her heels. Stupid petiteness.
Louise got bored and sent some minions to go wake up her sister. Once Cattleya had shown up, still looking somewhat tired, the meeting could begin.
"Do we have an agenda?" Henrietta asked.
"Of course," Louise said. "We're trying to overthrow the Council and make them suffer. Especially Viscount Wardes. It is a very sinister agenda."
"So!" Jessica declared, clapping her hands together happily. "We need to talk about the most important thing about the planned visit to the Abyss!"
Louise nodded. "Yes. We certainly do. Have you finished making all those magical wards against poison, disease, insects, lack of air, drowning, the undead, demons, elves, fire, water, wind, earth, metal, amphibians, too much air… look, I gave you a list of everything I could think of last night. "Are you done?"
Jessica blinked. "How can you say that's the most important?" she protested. "And no, of course not; that was a pretty long list. And it'll be really expensive for those short-run wards. I hope you don't expect them to be permanent. But how is that the most important thing?"
"Emperor Lee," Louise said, glowering. "He's going to try to kill me."
"You don't know he's going to try and kill you."
Louise smiled smugly. "Yes, I know, he's not going to try and kill me, at least if you can get that protection ready. However, he most certainly will try to kill me."
Jessica looked confused.
Cattleya burst out laughing. "Oh! It's a joke based on wordplay! Oh, how very witty, little sister! Why, it's most positively whimsical!"
Louise shot her an annoyed glare. Cattleya was still not entirely in her good books. Or as Gnarl would put it, she was in her good books. Stupid evil vocabulary.
"The important thing is… clothing!" Jessica proclaimed. "Fashion! It is your job to show off that you are at the cutting edge of fashion. You should be dressed so sharply that a thousand widows will cry because you cut their husbands up into chunks of meat just by turning around!"
Henrietta raised her hand. "I don't mean to interfere," she said, "but wouldn't that be rather messy?"
"Yes," Cattleya agreed. "And very wasteful. Oooh! Unless there was some way for the armour to absorb the blood and then…"
"It was a simile!" Jessica said sulkily, crossing her arms. "You can't cut more than two or three people up with even very pointy armour."
"Actually, it was a metaphor," Louise interjected. "It would be a simile if…"
"Enough!" Jessica stroked her chin, and looked Louise up and down. "I'm thinking something… padded," she said. "Especially around the chest."
Louise nodded. "That's probably a good idea," she said. "When he tries to kill me, some extra padding under my armour will help stop bruising. Last time I got hit hard in the chest, it hurt to breathe for the next few days."
"Um," Jessica said. "No, I… uh, no. I wasn't thinking of that kind of padding." She shook her head sadly. "Lou, you know you're missing… like, half the experience of being an evil overlady. Dark gods, you're missing well over half of it! We need to get some handsome oiled up young men wearing only cravats and very short and tight leather shorts around the place!"
"Why would I want Germanians in here?" Louise said, wrinkling her nose. "Especially when, I note, they'd be dripping oil all over the place. That's messy."
Jessica sighed. "See! You are an evil overlady! You should have beefcake!"
"… why are you making cake out of beef?"
"I mean mancandy!"
Louise blanched. She had no idea why you'd want to take men and treat them as you would candied fruit, but it was probably a demonic and possibly cannibalistic thing. "I really don't think it's necessary."
"Quite right," Cattleya agreed firmly. "We have no need to have scantily clad men all over the place. They would just lower our standards, and serve no productive purpose. Not like maids." She tapped her lip. "Incidentally, little sister, we probably should get more maids. Do you know, there's dust in the corners? And cobwebs and they're asymmetrical cobwebs. It's driving me batty! They're making the rooms all squint!"
Louise sighed. "Catt, not now."
"I wonder if I could train spiders to be more symmetrical with their cobwebs?" Cattleya added.
Louise ignored her sister. "Anyway, I'm wearing my armour," she said. "With the new protective wards, of course. And, of course, you can polish it up and maybe add some nice new shiny engravings," she added, showing her willingness to compromise.
It was apparently not enough. "I could make you something wonderful and you could impress everyone and everything," Jessica all-but wailed.
"I 'could' do a lot of things," Louise said. "I'm wearing my armour. Oh! But I do need a new surcoat and cape for it. The last one is finally giving up the ghost."
"It lasted you less than a week!" Jessica said. "What happened to it?"
"Fire. Oh, and lightning. I was testing something and it got singed."
"I spelled it to be proof against that." Jessica frowned. "Well, hmm."
Louise didn't mention that the thing she had been testing was 'how much raw firepower did she need to throw at the cloth before it burned'. It turned out it was rather resilient. But not resilient enough. Louise laughed to herself in a somewhat evil fashion, and got rather strange looks from the others.
"What is so funny, Louise Françoise," Henrietta asked, looking quizzical.
"I just thought of something," Louise said, blushing. "I'm… not going not wearing armour, and that's that. Proper armour, too. If Emperor Lee can have assassins hiding under the table with… poisoned knives and things like that, and they can see bare flesh to stab me in, I'm not wearing enough."
"Well," Jessica said, "fine. I'll see if I can at least get you to try on some variants of the armour."
"Not if they make me less safe," Louise said, crossing her arms. "I'm not budging."
"Look, I could make you a lovely dress to impress him and the journaleers! One which plays to your strengths and makes you look beautiful." She sighed. "You don't need to dress up like a gorgeous, fashion-revolutionising, brilliant armoury all the time."
"There is no need to be quite so shy," Henrietta ventured. "One's looks are a thing one must use in politics."
"I'm not going to act like a hussy!" Louise said firmly. "Especially one who might get stabbed." She felt that the others weren't being quite considerate enough on that point. It was certainly important to her.
"A little bit of hussing is good for you," Jessica said, grinning.
"No, it really isn't," Louise said. "Especially when dining with Emperor Lee. This is the man who sent me a head in a box covered in explosive spells, remember? And who seems to be attracted to me mostly because I am not too 'objectively suboptimal' for his tastes." Despite herself, Louise smiled. 'Not too objectively suboptimal' wasn't the most flattering compliment she had ever had, but… okay, maybe it was up there. Which was a little sad, but she'd take what she could get.
Cattleya giggled.
"What is it, Catt?" Louise asked.
"Oh, no, it's nothing."
"No, really, what is it?"
"Well, uh." Cattleya bit her lip. "It's funny because… well, objectively suboptimal and you're… uh… um, you're still young and so you still have some growing to do and it's perfectly natural for you to be more like Mother there rather than take after Dad's side of the family and…" Cattleya trailed away, falling as quiet as the grave.
Louise was turning red.
"I'll just go find dinner!" Cattleya declared, bursting apart into a cloud of bats and flying away with indecent haste. And it was indecent haste, because she left her dress behind.
The overlady of dark evilness took a few deep breaths, stood up, and kicked the jester capering behind her in the face. Then she let the air out. "Does anyone have anything else to say along those lines?" she asked sweetly, hands on her hips.
"Nope," Jessica said hastily.
"I don't get what's so funny," said Henrietta with a perfectly straight face.
"Nothing! Nothing at all is funny!" shouted Louise, sinking down into her seat and sulking.
Jessica clapped her hands together. "So," she said, elongating the word. "Anyway! Lou! I've gone and organised some nice simple and easy interviews from only the most reputable journals – you know, the ones who always go soft on interviewees and allow you to pre-vet the questions they ask you. You know. Lackies." She gave a wicked smile, and winked at Henrietta. "And I have the questions right here, so we can start to prep the answers right now!"
"Why did you wink at Henrietta?" Louise said, refusing to be distracted.
"Well, she should go get changed now," Jessica said innocently. "Since we're going to be busy now, I thought she could get ready to show off her dress."
Jessica was never innocent. However, Louise was curious about what those two girls had been doing in Jessica's workshop. Given the minions had been bringing her coal and steel and Jessica had gone and bled Cattleya's unicorn some more, they were obviously up to something.
"Fine," she said. "So. Questions."
"Right, right. So, Polasipolitan. They're mostly going to want to talk about fashion…"
Louise could not help but pigeonhole why Jessica might have chosen them. And then fill aforementioned pigeonhole with a pigeon. Nevertheless, she paid close attention.
"Now, these guys, they're going to want to talk about spoons. No idea why. It's traditional, but-" and whatever Jessica was about to say was interrupted by a knock at the door.
"May I come in?" Henrietta asked. Only the very attentive would notice the slight quaver in her voice. "Oh… wait, no… um. Some of the… uh, minions want to play me a," there was a muttering, "oh! A fanfare. That wasn't what I heard!"
Louise frowned. She wasn't sure what Henrietta heard. She couldn't even think of a word which sounded like 'fanfare'. Unfair? Funfair? No, that wouldn't make any sense. She ascribed it to Minions, and stopped thinking about it.
The door opened, and several minions with various looted instruments swarmed through, led by Maxy. Louise wasn't sure where he had acquired the conductor's baton. It wasn't even like they had met any conductors. Certainly, it almost certainly had not originally had a shiv strapped to one end.
"Ahem!" Maxy said loudly. "A one! A two-er! A one an' a two-er and," he focussed on his fingers, "a three and more!"
The best Louise could say was that the music did not sound precisely like a tortured cat. Cats were probably higher pitched.
And then Henrietta stepped through the door.
Louise opened her mouth. Louise closed her mouth.
She tried not to stare. And failed.
Her old friend was dressed in… well, she didn't really have the words for it. It was a black dress. A little black dress. Yes, little was the right word for it. Although it technically was of a decent length, the fact that it was slit to the mid-thigh somewhat ruined that. The neckline reached the navel, it was backless, and for good measure it also bared the shoulders, meaning that among the various offences the wearer was committing were included ones against gravity. The metal armoured gloves, boots, and single spikey pauldron that Henrietta was wearing were most definitely an afterthought. And wouldn't do anything to protect her from attackers.
"What are you wearing?" Louise managed, her throat feeling dry. She wasn't sure how Henrietta wasn't blushing, but her own face had decided to take up the slack. "Wait, no. Wrong question. How are you wearing that?"
"Oh, this?" Henrietta said, resting a hand on her chest. "It's just a little number Jessica threw together from things she had lying around."
"Yeah, it was just a modest effort," Jessica agreed. "And you lot can stop playing now," she told the minions, who sulkily complied.
Louise for her part felt that any modesty the wearer of that dress had was quite clearly false.
"It was a test concept of something I planned for you, with some changes Henri suggested," Jessica added, with just a hint of impish grin. "The best thing is that I didn't have to add any fabric to adjust it! Although I did have to move some around."
"How is it even staying up?" Louise all-but wailed. She jabbed a finger at Jessica, trying not to stare at Henrietta. "What dark demonic sorcery are you using for that?"
Jessica shrugged. "Quite a bit. I mean, there was no way mere fabric would work for that. It's woven with living shadow, and of course, Cattleya was really useful in getting me the unicorn hair and pegasus blood I needed for the underweave. Your point was?"
Louise stared at Jessica. And then she stared at Henrietta and the dress, blushing. "It's… it's totally indecent! At the very least wear a mantle! Jessica, how could you be so… so impolitic as to make a princess wear that?"
"I think she just say that the princess wear it," Maxy contributed. "That how she do it."
Louise glared at him. "Minions, go stand in the corner and be quiet," she demanded. "You're not helping at all!"
"I wanted to wear it," Henrietta said, squaring her shoulders. "I'm the one who wanted the neckline. And for your information, Louise Francoise, it is positively expected that a kidnapped prince or princess be forced into unsuitable clothing. Which means I can actually choose what I want to wear in the first time in… forever! And no one will blame me because I was forced into it by the vile forces of Evil!"
"Yeah, that was totally not me," Jessica said. "I mean, apart from in the implementation stage. That was totally me, because I'm brilliant and amazing and stuff. Henri is a pleasure to work with, you know that?"
"You can't blame me for making her wear that! What will people think?"
"Uh, duh?" Jessica rolled her eyes. "That you're a… like, totally wicked and awesome evil overlady with a great eye for fashion?"
Louise desperately tried to change track. "It's useless for protecting her! It doesn't cover any of her torso, and… and it doesn't cover her identity at all."
She was the target of two stares. "It's fashion," Jessica said plainly. "It's not there to protect her. Remember, she's our prisoner?"
"Oh! No, Louise Francoise is quite right about the identity thing," Henrietta said happily. "She also made me a helmet! Let me just…" she rummaged around in the cloth bag she was holding.
"Again, another trial design for you," Jessica explained. "I realised, 'Hey, you know what? We should like, totally have themed helmets!', and so I did started making this. So we have a brand image."
"No one is getting branded!" Louise snapped.
"I didn't… oh, forget about it. But I'm totally going to further our brand, and make helmets like this for me and Catt. I already have a great design for her! It'll have this great emergency spring-loaded quick-release catch so she can bite people!"
"Don't encourage her!"
"Ta da!" Henrietta declared, her head now encased in metal. Henrietta's helmet resembled Louise's, somewhat. However, it was somewhat sleeker, with fewer spikes on top. What it lacked in top spikiness, however, it more than made up for with its elaborate stylised maw filled with iron teeth. "I am the Mouth of the Steel Maiden! I will make her proclamations! Which means you, Louise Francoise, don't have to face really big crowds. You clearly recruited me to handle such things when you kidnapped the princess."
"Man, the teeth are such a great touch," Jessica said in a self-congratulatory tone of voice.
"But what's my backstory?" Henrietta continued. "Hmm. Perhaps… perhaps I am a wicked Iberian sorceress, with the blood of demons flowing through my veins. No, no, I'm too pale to be Iberian. Hmm. Maybe… yes, I'm the representative of the secret conspiracy which works behind the throne of Tristain to manipulate things from the shadows!"
Jessica stroked her chin. "But which one?" she asked. "We don't want any of them denying that you're a member."
"Well, who do you recommend?"
Louise sunk her head into her hands and groaned. She was getting déjà vu. This was the all-too-familiar events of her childhood, where Princess Henrietta got a good idea and dragged everyone behind her, happening all over again. Only this time it was a bad idea.
Wait, no. Thinking of it, considering how many times she had been kidnapped by the wicked Arch Doom Empress Henrietta of Evilermania and locked in the Pillow Fortress of Peril, until she was rescued by the brave Sir Henrietta of Goodristain and his ferocious wolfhound which just happened to look like a puppy, this was going pretty normally.
What did her experience tell her? Well, it told her that she wasn't going to beat Henrietta at this directly. She would have to use cunning, subtlety, and the sum of her social prowess to divert her.
"You're not wearing something that indecent and that's that!" Louise said, crossing her arms. "I forbid it!"
Thinking about it harder, Louise realised that perhaps her strengths did not lie in the field of social finesse.
Henrietta squared her jaw. "Yes I am," she countered.
"No, you're not," Louise said.
"Am so! I'm disguised as an evil servant of the dark overlady!"
"Are not! I don't want an evil servant dressed like that! It's… disgraceful! Wear a mantle at least, to show you're a mage!"
Henrietta's lips started to wobble. "You… you sound like my mother," she spat.
"I am not your mother!" Louise snapped. She paused. "I'm your kidnapper! You're wearing a mantle with that and that's final!"
"But why?" Henrietta protested.
"Well, for one," Louise said triumphantly, "don't you have that birthmark over your right shoulder blade? The star-shaped one?"
Jessica checked. "Okay, she does have that," she admitted. "Fuck. Yeah, Lou's right, that's a pretty obvious thing."
Louise knew the next step. "And of course," she said to Jessica, trying to bring her on side, "I think it should be the same deep red as the surcoat of my armour. Because," she tried to remember how Jessica had put it, "because of the branding?"
"Yeah, that's actually a pretty bad point," Jessica said, nodding. "Yeah, with that nice strong red theme I can tie this in with yours and Catt's, and… yeah, that works very…"
And it was about then that five black-clad figures dropped down from the ceiling. This was a mysterious happening, especially since this meeting had been happening in one of the more low-ceilinged, comfortable rooms in the tower. There wasn't really the space for five sinister assassins to hide. Louise caught a glimpse of a green-glowing oval flickering shut, and then her mind was on other things.
"Death to the overlady!" one of the assassins yelled, swinging his wickedly sharp knife at Louise's unprotected face. Sparks flew as she managed to catch the blade on the Gauntlet and gasp out a single word. The sparks were joined by lightning which coursed up the blade and into her attacker.
Louise put her very pointy steel boot into his prone, smoking body, and then fried another one of the assassins with a fireball. "Minions!" she shouted. "Corner time is over! Kill!"
"Die foul demon!" yelled an attacker.
"I no see demons!" one of the musician minions said, confusion in its voice.
"Duh. Forgemistress," Maxy said, running his conductor's-shiv into the kidneys of the one advancing on Jessica. The man screamed like a stuck and Maxy worked the blade up. "I is thinking he got the point," he said with a tone of profound smugness.
"Lou! Help!" Jessica called out. She was holding chair and was trying to fend off her knife-wielding assailant, but the upholstery was getting very tattered and the cushion was bleeding fluff. "He's got a holy weapon! Oh, thank badness," she said, eyes widening in relief as she stared over the man's shoulder.
The assassin wasn't foolish enough to fall for that old trick, and so got jumped by three minions. And to add insult and minor injury to injury, while he was flailing around trying to dislodge the minions Jessica hit him over the head with the chair.
Where was the last one? Louise looked around wildly. Henrietta had her wand out and was looking around wildly, her heavy metal helmet grating. Jessica was beating on the downed man with her chair, while there were three attackers down, dead or dying. But where was the last one?
Behind her! He had a longer blade in one hand and a wand in the other. Louise hurled a fireball at him, but a jet of air deflected the fire and set the table ablaze. Louise began to chant a lightning spell, and then he moved. He wasn't heading for her, she realised, as he flipped over her half-prepared lightning and landed behind her.
"In nomine vacui!" he cried out. "Die, witch!"
Louise watched helplessly, her world moving in slow motion, as the knife descended towards Henrietta's lamentably unprotected chest. She saw her friend's lips moving, trying desperately to get another spell out, but her water chants all too far too l-
And then the assassin exploded in a cloud of blood.
It went everywhere.
For a brief moment, there was silence, save for the dripping. Slowly, Henrietta took off her blood-covered helmet, and let it fall to the ground. Its clank broke the hush.
Jessica let out a high-pitched shriek. "Why does this keep on happening?" she yelled, totally painted red. "First spiders, then assassins! Find cleaner ways to kill people!"
"Gnarl!" Louise snapped, balling her hands into fists. "Get in here!"
"Who the… the… the blasted wretched dratted hell were they?" Henrietta asked, before blushing. It was not immediately perceptible that she was doing so, because she was painted red with gore. "Pardon my Romalian, please," she added.
"It's down my neck! It's warm and it's trickling and… yuck yuck yuck. Urgh! You'd have to be a real sicko to bathe in blood!" Jessica moaned, and was ignored. "And my mouth was open!"
"Forget who they were! What was that?" Louise retorted, once she had the blood out of her eyes. It really stung. She supposed it made sense, because blood was salty, but understanding that didn't make it any less unpleasant.
Henrietta coughed. "Royal magic," she said in a tiny voice. Behind them, Jessica started being sick.
Louise folded her arms. "Really?" she asked, tapping her foot. "Because to me, that looked remarkably like blood magic. Normal water magic only really heals. It doesn't make people explode like that."
Henrietta gasped. "Louise Françoise," she said, "what a thing to imply! That was royal water magic!"
"Henrietta," Louise said flatly, "you made someone explode. Into a cloud of blood mist."
"Blood is mostly water," Henrietta objected. "In fact, it's actually much more water than, for example, strong alcoholic spirits. And for your information, that wasactually royal magic! I don't know any blood magic! That was just… just a normal spell you'd use to make mist from… w-w-water!"
"Blood mist," Louise said. She felt it was quite important to be clear about that.
"Normal mist which just happened to be made of blood," Henrietta countered. "I just used certain royal things I learned to cast it with a single syllable and make it more powerful!" She was shaking, Louise realised. She hadn't noticed it, probably because she'd flooded with adrenaline, but Henrietta was sagging, barely able to stand upright. "I don't know blood magic and… and now I'm covered in it and… and… and…" she took a deep breath. "I need a bath. I don't feel clean."
"Oh, Henrietta," Louise said more warmly as she moved to support her. "I am sorry for shouting at you. I just thought…"
"I've never done this before," Henrietta said weakly, over the sound of Jessica being sick again. "Killed someone, I mean. Is… there always so much blood?"
Well, no, Louise didn't say. "I felt sick the first time I hit someone with a fireball," she said out loud. "Well, a real person. Not a vampire. I just felt sick then because I nearly died. Come on, let's get you cleaned up."
"Ah!" Gnarl said, standing in the doorway. "Your wickedness, what happened?"
"Assassins," Louise said tersely. "Speaking Romalian, too, and trying to kill the 'overlady'. They were going for Henrietta. I think it was because she was wearing the helmet. They're all dead now."
Maxy shook himself dry. "Not quite!" he said happily. "This one, he are still breathing. Ish. He no have kidneys left, though."
"I see," Gnarl said, stroking his goatee. "We will need to find out how he got in. I will carry out some investigations, I believe."
"There was some kind of portal or rift," Louise said tersely.
"Very interesting," Gnarl said. "Very few magics could do that without great power. Yes, great power indeed." He clapped his hands. "Move the prisoner to the jail," he ordered the minions. "Do not let him die yet." He nodded to Louise. "I will try my upmost to find out who he was working for," he said.
"Do that," Louise said. Henrietta was clinging onto her. "For now, I need to go clean up." She squared her jaw. "Gnarl, organise a sweep of the tower to make sure no other attackers have concealed themselves. I will take a group and clear the baths myself. Because if they have messed with the hot-water supply, then their fates will be dire indeed."
"Yes," Jessica said darkly, wiping her mouth. "Very dire. Urgh. And it's in my ears."
"As you wish."
Louise pulled Henrietta into a close hug, and let her shake. "And perhaps now do you see why more clothing might be a good idea?" she asked softly. "If you're going to help me, people are going to try to kill you."
"Mmm," her friend mumbled.
She let Henrietta cling to her. This felt sort of nice. She could get used to this feeling. Vindication was so sweet.
Cattleya poked her head through the door. "I'm sorry, I just happened to be passing by and I smelt something unbelievably tast- my goodness! Louise, assassins tried to kill you and you didn't tell me? I'm hurt! I could have helped! I know you're upset with me, but it was jolly silly to…"
"I am not in the mood," Louise snapped, pulling Henrietta by the hand as she stormed out. She whirled. "And I still have these stupid talks to journaleers to do next Voidsday and Emperor Lee is going to try to kill me and…" she trailed away.
And smiled a dreadful blood-soaked smile. "Oh, goodness, goodness me," she said, managing to put previously unprecedented levels of menace in that innocuous phrase.
"You have orders, your wickedness?" Gnarl asked, tilting his head.
"Not yet," she said. "I'm going to think more in the bath. But Gnarl, find out where more goblin tribes are. I may well need some more minions at short notice."


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text: The Board of Directors of Royce Value Trust (NYSE: RVT) has approved the resumption of a quarterly distribution policy for Common Stockholders, beginning in March 2011, at the annual rate of 5%. As of December 31, 2010, the Fund had fully utilized its capital loss carryforwards for federal income tax purposes, allowing the managed distribution policy to be reinstated. The quarterly distribution policy, which was suspended by the Board in May 2009 in light of significant capital loss carryforwards, is designed to spread any capital gain distributions more evenly over the year. The policy as resumed allows for quarterly distributions, payable to common stockholders, at a rate of 1.25% (or approximately 5% annually) of the average net asset value (NAV) of the Fund's Common Stock at the end of the prior four calendar quarters. The distributions may include long-term capital gains, short-term capital gains, net investment income and/or return of capital for federal income tax purposes. Royce Value Trust, Inc. is a closed-end diversified management investment company whose shares of Common (RVT) and 5.90% Cumulative Preferred Stock (RVT.prb) are listed and traded on the New York Stock Exchange. Its primary investment goal is long-term capital growth, which it seeks by investing at least 65% of its assets in equity securities primarily of small-cap and micro-cap companies. More information on Royce Value Trust and closed-end fund investing can be found at www.roycefunds.com .


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Citrix Summit 2017 Keynotes
How do we win new customers? How do we win with cloud? How do we secure it all? Citrix Summit 2017 looked at these questions from every angle in the Vision and Tech Talks keynotes, focusing on a vision for the future that includes winning hearts and minds of customers, winning over our competitors, and Winning Together.
Vision Keynote
The Vision Keynote officially kicked off Summit with Carlos Sartorius, senior vice president, Worldwide Sales & Services, welcoming partners and sales teams from 70 countries as well as those watching the live stream on Citrix Partner Central, and recognizing Summit All-Stars, partners who have attended 15 Summit conferences.
For his first Summit, Citrix president and CEO Kirill Tatarinov had some exciting announcements and some details on Citrix strategy that are designed to "help IT professionals become the heroes of the digital age." Tim Minahan, senior vice president and chief marketing officer, discussed how Citrix delivers growth and strong leadership, and new vice president of Worldwide Partner Strategy & Sales Craig Stillwell affirmed the Citrix commitment to partners as we shift our customers to cloud, discussing new opportunities and new tools developed specifically to help partners succeed.
Vision Keynote highlights:
- Partnership—The executive leadership team announced an innovation partnership with Red Bull Racing and discussed how we'll align with Microsoft to drive opportunity.
- Growth—The acquisition of Unidesk, the leader in application layering, will enable partners and customers to securely deploy and manage apps and desktops through XenApp and XenDesktop.
- Innovation—Citrix Cloud Accelerator and the new HCI Workspace appliance, developed with HP, both offer customers an easier path to the cloud.
Tech Talks Keynote
The pace of Citrix innovation in 2016 was breathtaking, and Citrix leaders including senior vice president of engineering Jeroen van Rotterdam and senior vice president of product PJ Hough took the stage to showcase the latest product enhancements and new use cases, and to illustrate how Citrix will be lowering the barriers to cloud adoption in the months to come. They were joined on-stage by Calvin Hsu, vice president of product marketing, Greg Lissy, vice president, enterprise product management, ShareFile, Ash Chowdappa, vice president and general manager, NetScaler ADC and technical fellow Abhishek Chauhan.
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Experience the energy and excitement of the Citrix Summit 2017 keynotes firsthand: watch both sessions on demand beginning January 16 on Citrix SalesIQ.


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First-time claims for unemployment insurance in Louisiana for the week ending Sept. 6 decreased to 1,961 from the previous week's total of 2,237.
The state labor department said claims for the comparable week a year earlier were 2,190 claims.
The four-week moving average, which is a less volatile measure of claims, decreased to 2,202 from the previous week's total of 2,303.
Continued unemployment claims for the week ending Sept. 6 decreased to 20,739 compared to 21,463 the previous week. The four-week moving average for such claims decreased to 21,656 from the previous week's average of 22,213.


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Kylie Jenner Hangs With Lil Za, Leonardo DiCaprio's Drug Confession, Justin Bieber Swaggers Into Jail: A Roundup
Kylie Jenner Snapped Hanging Out With Lil Za
The young Keeping Up With the Kardashians starlet has been spotted hanging around Lil Za, the aspiring who has been busted for two counts of felony drug possession and one count of property damage following a police raid at Justin Bieber's house. See their eyebrow-raising selfies on Gossip Cop.
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Gadhelyn wrote:
Does SE have a history with XI of not following through with updates that they've announced? I can't remember it really happening, not that I always paid attention to the parts that didn't affect my gameplay.
The only thing I can think of that they utterly scrapped and never implemented was the Colosseum (Which they implied was separate than the Pit) and it's worth mentioning that the pit didn't come until years after the release of ToAU.
And, more noticeably, because they actually posted an update notice about it then it never happened, the whole white Chocobo and special outdoor chocobo race update/thing, can't remember the details.
Anyways, if they say it will be implemented, it will (almost always) be implemented, when is the only question. They are fairly careful to never make definitive statements if something may be scrapped, as there are less than a handful of examples from over 8 years of FFXI service.


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This ethnographic collection consists of about 200 items of local material culture, accompanied by a black-and-white photo showing the main stages of the production of handicraft practices referenced objects. Initially placed at the municipal library, the Ethnographic Museum of Bova Marina is hosted by 1999, at the ground floor of the Ellenofono Institute. Objects are collected, tools and various tools belonging to the agricultural, pastoral culture and craftsmanship of the Grecanica area. Among the exhibits are distinguished art products of the shepherds and fabrics made from broom fibers.
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Location: Pompano Beach
Do Not Show Listings
2661 S Course Dr Unit 808, Pompano Beach, FL 33069
$200,0003 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10078025
Bed: 2 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1150 Built: 1971Monthly Fee: $338 Tax: $1,781 (2016)Community: Palm-Aire CcCondo, Furnished
Restrictions: Auto Parking On,No Lease; 1st Year Owned
Market Analysis:
For SaleFor RentSoldRented
Nearby Properties:
For SaleFor RentSoldRented
SaveRemove Favorite |
Email |
Directions |
Virtual Tour
History |
Appraiser |
Crime Info
Elementary School: None
High School: None
Tax Year: 2016
Middle School: None
Remarks: Looking for perfection? This the one! 2 bedrooms, 2 full baths condo, fully updated new kitchen, bathrooms, flooring, A/C, water heater, Granite counter top, tile and wood floor, Furnished Turned-key, bring your tooth brush and enjoy a stunning golf view from your 8th floor enclosed patio. Bright unit with lots of natural light, perfect exposure. A dream for Golf lovers, Great location close to, shopping, restaurant, Casino, Beaches, Heated pools, Gym,playground, tennis and more .You will love living here
Listing is courtesy of:
3204 NE 4th St Unit 3204, Pompano Beach, FL 33062
$524,89559 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10069355
REDUCED by $5 (0.0%) on 07/20/2017
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.5 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1942 Built: 2006Monthly Fee: $350 Tax: $6,931 (2016)Community: Ocean Park EstatesTownhouse, Pets Allowed
Restrictions: Okay To Lease 1st Year,Other RestrictionsPet Restrictions: Restrictions Or Possible Restrictions
Remarks: Immaculate 3 Story Townhouse, 3 Bed 2.5 Bath Only Steps From Beautiful Pompano Beach! Stainless Appliances, Granite, Crown Molding, Breathtaking Stone Wall Feature and Half Bath On The First Floor. Large Master Bedroom With Wood Floors, Custom Built Walk In Closet, Double Sink Vanity & Jetted Tub In Master Bathroom. Home Has Updated Lighting And Fans, Nest Thermostat, Neutral Décor And Attached 2 Car Garage & Much More! Enjoy Your Private Roof Top Terrace With Intracoastal Views! Wonderful Location!!
5231 NW 76th Pl, Pompano Beach, FL 33073
$415,0003 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10078023
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 2254 Built: 1983 Tax: $2,984 (2016)Community: Hillsboro PinesPool: Yes, Spa: YesSingle Family, Pets Allowed
Pet Restrictions: No Restrictions
Market Analysis:
For Sale, For RentSoldRented
Nearby Properties:
For Sale, For RentSoldRented
SaveRemove Favorite |
Email |
History |
Appraiser |
Crime Info
Elementary School: Tradewinds
High School: Monarch
Middle School: Lyons Creek
Remarks: Beautiful spacious home. Obvious great potential, in a wonderful sought after family neighborhood of west Pompano, but shhhh, not many people know of this tranquil area. This 3,096 sqft home features 3 large bedrooms,2 large full bathrooms,2 car garage, pool framed with oversized Spanish tile, all on an oversized lot (9,365 sq.ft), and, no HOA! Bathrooms upgraded. Some upgrades in kitchen. New garage door to be installed.Roof under warranty. Make appoint to see ASAP. Seller is motivated and open to offer
Listing is courtesy of: United Realty Group Inc
960 NE 52nd Ct, Pompano Beach, FL 33064
$148,00020 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10075347
INCREASED by $500 (0.3%) on 07/20/2017
Bed: 2 Bath: 1.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 848 Built: 1960 Tax: $1,719 (2016)Community: Park Manor 52-10 BPool: NoSingle Family
Restrictions: Ok To Lease,No Restrictions
Remarks: New Kitchen with granite countertops, newer bath, new carpet in bedrooms.. great remodeled starter home on large lot. Room for expansion as the family grows located adjacent to Park Ridge Elementary school so the kids can walk to school.
Also easy to rent!
Listing is courtesy of: DeWitt Realty Inc
1261 NE 27th Way, Pompano Beach, FL 33062
$1,795,000117 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10059992
REDUCED by $40,000 (2.2%) on 07/20/2017
Bed: 6 Bath: 6.5 Liv Area Sq Ft: 5664 Built: 2009 Tax: $18,423 (2016)Community: Country Club IslesPool: Yes, Spa: YesSingle Family, Pets Allowed, Unfurnished
Restrictions: Ok To Lease,No RestrictionsPet Restrictions: No Restrictions
Remarks: 210' DeepWater Point Lot!!, Fits 110' Yacht & Additional Boats! Adjacent 210' Lot avail to= 420'. Beautiful Estate, Elevator w/ Glass Doors!, 6 Bedrooms En-Suite, +Media room, +Study, +Exercise room. Extremely High-end Marble/ Granite finishes, Marble driveway, Marble huge Covered Patio/Balcony, 54' Custom Pool. Cul-de-sac Lot w/ Huge Yard for Kids, Private Gated Yard for Class A RV or boat trailer. Gourmet kitchen: Nat. Gas Cooktop, 2 Ovens, 2 Dishwashers, huge pantry. Walk to Intracoastal Park or Beach!
Listing is courtesy of: Condos & Castles Real Estate
Pompano Beach, FL 33062
$515,00018 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: A10304528
9 Days Off yellowkey (back on 7/22/2017)
INCREASED by $10,000 (2.0%) on 07/22/2017
Bed: 2 Bath: 2.0 Gar: 1 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1787 Built: 1999 Tax: $4,889 (2015)Community: The Pointe At Pompano BeaCondo, Pets Allowed, Unfurnished
Restrictions: Daily RentalsPet Restrictions: Maximum 20 Lbs
SaveRemove Favorite |
Tax Year: 2015
Remarks: ?Direct waterfront, vacant, this easy to show 2BR/2BA + den condo. Spectacular Intracoastal views and 100% privacy with the south view of mangroves & Forever Park and offers ease of access to marina boat slip, amenities, and parking. High-end renovation with new porcelain flooring, modern bathroom designs, incredible kitchen, quartz countertops, new appliances and huge luxurious master suite. This unit offers a 300 sg. ft. south facing private patio to enjoy an outdoor lifestyle. 30??? and 60??? Marina d
Listing is courtesy of: MIA Casa Realty LLC
1231 NW 45th St, Pompano Beach, FL 33064
$229,90097 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10063044
23 Days Off yellowkey (back on 7/20/2017)
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1243 Built: 1973Monthly Fee: $120 Tax: $2,880 (2016)Community: Crystal Lake 4Th Sec 66-1Pool: NoSingle Family
Restrictions: Assoc Approval Required
Remarks: Beautiful and spacious 3/2 updated single family home with a one car garage in the desirable community of Crystal Lakes. House features ceramic tiles throughout, updated bathrooms, crown molding, and granite counter tops. Bring all offers!!!
Listing is courtesy of: Premier One Realty Inc.
340 SE 10th St, Pompano Beach, FL 33060
$679,9003 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10077810
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1978 Built: 1959 Tax: $8,363 (2016)Community: Cypress Harbor 3Rd Sec 49Pool: NoSingle Family, Pets Allowed, Unfurnished
Remarks: Stunning waterfront home split floor plan,70 ft dock,on SE wide canal,& connects to deep water canal,2 fixed bridges open living area tons of natural light,Huge kitchen w enormous granite u shaped counter, great for entertaining,S/S appl, located in the heart of the home over looking the water. Master features: new baths,double vanity & shower w frame less glassdoor ,Huge walkin. new impact windows throughout, Bring your most discriminating buyer. Shows like a model.Great new back deck overlooking water
Listing is courtesy of: Sera Martell Realty Inc
777 Federal Hwy Unit 309-D, Pompano Beach, FL 33062
$187,000118 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: H10231976
REDUCED by $7,900 (4.1%) on 07/20/2017
Bed: 2 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1035 Built: 1972 Tax: $3,211 (2016)Community: Island ClubCondo
Restrictions: Other Restrictions,Renting Limited
Listing is courtesy of: E PRO Realty
126 S Cypress Rd Unit 716, Pompano Beach, FL 33060
$131,00049 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10070828
35 Days Off yellowkey (back on 7/20/2017)
INCREASED by $5,000 (4.0%) on 07/20/2017
Bed: 2 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 936 Built: 1977Monthly Fee: $318 Tax: $1,492 (2016)Community: Cypress ParkCondo, Pets Allowed
Pet Restrictions: Restrictions Or Possible Restrictions
Remarks: First floor 2 bed 2 bath with south facing deeded garden/patio space ,new white granite kitchen, tile floors throughout, stainless steel appliances, walk in closet, screened porch with pull down shutters. Parking right outside front door. clubhouse, pool, hot tub, tennis, shuffleboard, laundry room. water front complex, minutes to beach, near new Pompano mall, Publix, restaurants, golf course, marinas.like to fish?, service pets only,all ages,condo has strong financial reserve budget make offer!
270 SE 9th Court, Pompano Beach, FL 33060
$549,0003 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: A10313368
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Gar: 1 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1826 Built: 1960 Tax: $8,225 (2016)Community: Cypress Harbor 3Rd SecPool: YesSingle Family
Remarks: Large waterfront home, with pool and ocean access. Minutes from the beach. Short sale - subject to lender's approval. House needs updating.
Listing is courtesy of: Wilrose Realty
142 SW 7th Ct Unit 142, Pompano Beach, FL 33060
$275,00082 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10065329
3 Days Off yellowkey (back on 7/20/2017)
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.5 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1965 Built: 2014Monthly Fee: $250 Tax: $7,140 (2016)Community: Orchid GroveTownhouse, Pets Allowed, Unfurnished
Restrictions: Ok To Lease,No Trucks/Rv'S,Okay To Lease 1st YearPet Restrictions: Restrictions Or Possible Restrictions
Elementary School: Cypress
Middle School: Pompano B.Middle
Remarks: Over $15K in Upgrades in this beautiful 3/2/1 TH. Has separate office/den on 1st floor w/ 1-car garage. Wood cabinets, granite counter tops, breakfast bar, SS appliances, high ceilings, open floor, Impact windows. Tiled throughout on lower level. Oversized master suite with WIC and luxurious bath. Upstairs laundry has full size washer/dryer. Resort Style Feel. Community has magnificent Waterfront Amenities, Great clubhouse, New gym equipment, Kitchen facilities and kids play room. Yes, pets are welcome.
4017 N Cypress Drive Unit 204, Pompano Beach, FL 33069
$169,9003 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10077864
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1595 Built: 1976Monthly Fee: $564 Tax: $3,075 (2015)Community: Palm AireCondo, Pets Allowed
Restrictions: Ok To Lease,No Lease; 1st Year Owned,Other RestrictionsPet Restrictions: Maximum 20 Lbs
Remarks: BEAUTIFUL Golf course views ... perfect get away or full time home with 3 spacious bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, large screened patio w/ marble pavers. Open floor plan, 18 inch tile floors in main areas, eat in kitchen, crown molding and washer & dryer in unit. Lush landscaping throughout the community gives you the Country Club feel without the cost. Close to shopping, golf, parks, restaurants, casino and highways. Only 6 miles from the beach! 2 Pets OK (up to 30 lbs each)
1395 S Ocean Unit 204, Pompano Beach, FL 33062
$549,00094 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10062031
29 Days Off yellowkey (back on 6/15/2017)
REDUCED by $50,500 (8.4%) on 07/20/2017
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 2237 Built: 2007 Tax: $6,540 (2016)Community: Aquamarine CondoCondo, Pets Allowed, Partially Furnished
Restrictions: No Lease; 1st Year Owned,No Trucks/Rv'SPet Restrictions: Maximum 20 Lbs
Remarks: BEACH & BOATING! SE corner 3/2 WF & Pool condo: Impressive Great Room, Master Suite. Enjoy privacy on your Wrap-Around Patio/Balcony with entries & views from Dining, & your gorgeous Great Room. Gated private Beach & Ocean access with BBQ, Picnic, Parking & swimming in the Ocean Area. Boat dockage available, for lease or purchase. Secure entry to Building & Semi-Private Elevator. Carport + 2nd car+guest parking. Within 2 BLOCKS OF LAUDERDALE BY THE SEA and great shopping just to the North. SEE IT SOON!
1032 SW 1st Ter, Pompano Beach, FL 33060
$255,00017 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10075605
REDUCED by $14,900 (5.5%) on 07/20/2017
Bed: 3 Bath: 1.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1200 Built: 1960 Tax: $2,151 (2016)Community: Lyons ParkPool: No, Spa: NoSingle Family, Pets Allowed
Remarks: Great family oriented neighborhood! Well maintained home in desirable Lyon's Park area. This home is updated with stainless steel appliances, granite counters, and tiled floors throughout with carpet in the bedrooms. Separate laundry room, 1 car, covered carport and sprinkler system. Tranquil outdoor living space with an enclosed Florida Room, paved patio, beautiful trees, and plants around the fenced in yard. Room for a pool. Close to shopping, dining, and highway!
Listing is courtesy of: Florida Preferred Realty LLC
2661 S Course Dr Unit 908, Pompano Beach, FL 33069
$124,50078 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10065943
REDUCED by $4,000 (3.1%) on 07/19/2017
Bed: 2 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1150 Built: 1971Monthly Fee: $337 Tax: $713 (2016)Community: Palm-Aire Country ClubCondo, Unfurnished
Restrictions: No Lease; 1st Year Owned,No Corporate Buyer
Remarks: ***REDUCED PRICE*** BEST DEAL IN TOWN! TOP FLOOR 2BR, 2BA CONDO WITH LARGE TILE FLOORING THROUGHOUT EXCEPT NEW CARPET IN BEDROOMS. HURRICANE IMPACT GLASS ENCLOSED BALCONY WITH STUNNING VIEW OF THE PALMS GOLF COURSE. LARGE MASTER BEDROOM WITH 2 CLOSETS, SEPARATE STORAGE UNIT OUTSIDE UNIT. WELL MAINTAINED BUILDING HAS RECENTLY BEEN PAINTED. CONDO ASSOCIATION REQUIRES 20% DOWN PAYMENT. SELLER IS MOTIVATED AND WILL CONSIDER REASONABLE OFFERS. THIS WON'T LAST...SCHEDULE YOUR SHOWING TODAY. EZ TO SHOW!
2361 SE 10th Street, Pompano Beach, FL 33062
$487,5004 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: A10313118
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Gar: 1 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1274 Built: 1956 Tax: $8,451 (2016)Community: Pompano Isles Sec BPool: Yes, Spa: YesSingle Family
Remarks: Boating enthusiast's dream home! Waterfront property with ocean access. Beautiful 3/2 with pool and spa on large lot in family-friendly Pompano Beach. Come see and fall in love. BROKER REMARKS FOR SHOWINGS, PLEASE.
Listing is courtesy of: Listed Florida
400 SE 1st Ter, Pompano Beach, FL 33060
$579,90012 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10075833
REDUCED by $20,000 (3.3%) on 07/19/2017
Bed: 3 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1832 Built: 1961 Tax: $5,257 (2016)Community: Garden IslesPool: Yes, Spa: NoSingle Family, Pets Allowed, Unfurnished
High School: Ely
Remarks: Amazing waterfront home with all of the right upgrades! Your new home features 70ft on the water a new dock & 8,000lbs boat lift, solar heated salt water pool & screened patio in the back yard. Inside features a spacious floor plan w/stunning grey porcelain tile laid on the diagonal, large kitchen with granite counters, stainless appliances, and gas cooktop! Other recent upgrades include both bathrooms, roof, a/c, and diamond bright. Come enjoy the south Florida lifestyle you have been dreaming of!
Listing is courtesy of: RE/MAX First
241 SE 9th Avenue Unit 207, Pompano Beach, FL 33060
$49,00024 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: RX-10346549
7 Days Off yellowkey (back on 7/19/2017)
Bed: 1 Bath: 1.0 Gar: 0.00 Liv Area Sq Ft: 480 Built: 1970Monthly Fee: $400 Tax: $134 (2016)Community: Ocean Drive Estates CondoPool: NoCondo, Pets Allowed, Unfurnished
Restrictions: Pet Restriction
Remarks: Please text Melissa for lockbox code if show assist is not available HUD case #095-038395. All properties are sold AS IS without any guarantee or warranty by seller. BUYERS TO VERIFY ALL INFO. FOR UTILITY TURN ONS, APPROVAL MUST BE GRANTED IN ADVANCE FROM HUD'S FIELD SERVICE MANAGER. IN CASES WHERE PLUMBING DEFICIENCIES EXIST, APPROVAL FOR WATER TURN-ON MAY BE DENIED. Equal Housing Opportunity. HUD has the property listed as IN (Insured), but insurability is subject to the buyer's appraisal.
Listing is courtesy of: Briko, LLC
2900 NE 14th St Cswy Unit 902, Pompano Beach, FL 33062
$399,0004 Days on yellowkey MLS ID: F10076839
Bed: 2 Bath: 2.0 Liv Area Sq Ft: 1450 Built: 1981Monthly Fee: $608 Tax: $5,631 (2016)Community: Voyager CondominiumCondo, Pets Allowed, Unfurnished
Restrictions: Daily Rentals,No Lease; 1st Year OwnedPet Restrictions: More Than 20 Lbs
Remarks: Beautiful Intracoastal and Ocean views from the moment you enter the condo. Updated throughout and altered floor plan -making it one of the best of it's design in the building. Over 1430 sf, large eat-in kitchen, spacious living room, 2 spacious split plan bedrooms. Master w/large dressing area and updated bath, large walk-in closet, full size washer/dryer. Extra storage outside of unit. Pet friendly-up to 2 pets-25 lbs ea. Secure garage pkg. On-site management & private guards. 5 min walk to the beach
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The fact that everyone is going to die is well known to us all, yet it still effects us deeply when one of our personal connections dies.
Death is the cessation of biochemical processes. Total loss of homeostasis.
The former human, once animated by a variety of chemical processes is now just a lump of rapidly decaying matter that was once an organism. Death of individual cells, whether by apoptosis or some other means, is a regular part of life for multi-cellular organisms, happening on a constant basis.
Thus, a human corpse is no different than a human shaped steak, anything else is just sentimentalism. But, humans are sentimental. We honor these lumps of decaying flesh, and dispose of them with ritual and reverence. Strange creatures, we are.
Views: 342
I generally think of my self as rational, and I've never been the least bit superstitious. But death has always bothered me a lot, way more than it should. And it's not a fear of dying, but it's after the death occurs that bothers me. When I was a kid, I was terrified of cemeteries, and to this day I refuse to live near one. I don't even like shopping at stores or eating at restaurants near them. Funeral homes creep me out even more. It has nothing to do with evil spirits or anything like that, it's just a visceral response to the idea of proximity to dead people. I have no rational explanation for why these things bother me so much; after all, dead bodies are just a bunch of chemicals, not fundamentally different from any other matter, as the OP suggests. I suppose it could be simply a result of never being exposed to such things as a kid; out here in the West, Europeans have a much shorter history than they do in most other places, so there is naturally less evidence of the dead laying around. I went most of my life without ever even seeing a cemetery, and no one close to me died until I was in my 20's so I never really had to be exposed to it growing up. Because I have such a negative visceral response to anything associated with death (black curtains, stately urns, coffins, the style of architecture that all funeral homes seem to have) the idea of dispensing with all the ceremony and just maybe tossing me out in the woods and letting the natural process of decay take over is rather comforting.
Well a problem with that statement, is that while a corpse is made of a bunch of chemicals, if one were to gather the identical numbers and types of chemicals in a jar, they would not be a corpse.
Much as while an automobile may be composed of mechanical parts, a pile of said identical parts in a junkyard would not be an 'automobile', so equating a bunch of chemicals with a corpse, seems to be... incorrect.
Unfortunately it often seems that the 'rational' and the 'asethetic', which I believe is linked to logic, do not go hand in hand, and if anything, are often anti-thetical.
Couple things about death. First off I'm not afraid to die... However what scares the Hell out of me is not being able to take care of myself or just being a shell with no actual quality of life. I don't want to be in a situation where I need someone to help me shower, eat, etc. I would truly rather be dead if that were the case. Also I don't like the idea of being embalmed. I've seen the process and I find it rather gross, and it makes the body look like a wax doll IMO. When I die I just want to be buried right away.
I'm with you on embalming. I don't need my body preserved for some reason. "Green burials" sound better and better - let my nutrients go back into the earth, not preserved in a concrete vault.
I am far more afraid of my mind going than my body. Senility is actually something I am decently afraid of. But yeah, I have too much pride to be nursed. I don't like people doing things for me like that.
Also with you on being embalmed. Unless you're sitting up with the dead or something, it really is a waste.
But, humans are sentimental. We honor these lumps of decaying flesh, and dispose of them with ritual and reverence. Strange creatures, we are.
True for most humans, but not all. Wahabbi Sunni muslims bury their dead in unmarked graves - including the kings of Saudi Arabia. They feel visiting tombstones, monuments, etc smacks of ancestor worship.
That's interesting. Thank you.
Yeah but that doesn't mean that they aren't sentimental or honour them in other ways.
Your feelings about death depend greatly on what you believe happens after. As a Christian, I believe death is the beginning and not the end.
Well the problem with that logic, is that without believing in an afterlife, there wouldn't be anything 'valuable' or 'invaluable' about this life to begin with, because what one does or does not do in this life would be entirely irrelevant if the end game were identical.
For that matter, if the net amount of pain one experienced in this life exceeded whatever pleasures they might acquire, then one could even argue it would be more rational to just end it, as the end would be the same either way, and the pain-to-pleasure ratio would be lower by simply putting a gun to one's head right now.
I think that saying originated from Nietzsche, though I could be wrong, but like most of his philosophy, when actually logically examined, it turns out to be rather fallacious, hence why I don't think he hoped his philosophy was actually put under the logical microscope, but rather just repeated as a comforting myth.
"without believing in an afterlife, there wouldn't be anything 'valuable' or 'invaluable' about this life to begin with, because what one does or does not do in this life would be entirely irrelevant if the end game were identical."
On its own, this statement is not supported, and too much of your argument hinges on it.
Can you explain further?


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From the age of about 45 years, a majority of men national leader to endure changes in their excreting patterns. In variable degrees, the go through can be a slight modification or can become a deeply worrisome sore and in a number of cases unenviable endure. This is the age at which the prostate secretor begins to money and may cracking on all sides the channel and constrict the tumble of excrement. This may stingy an growth in the impel to urinate more than over and over again as the limitation inhibits remotion of the sac. In extremist cases the suppression may be activist and outcome in bloody regular obliteration. Kidney hitches may travel.
Most caregiver products have controlled if any consequence and so, more than and more men are minor road to flavouring alternatives beside a number of up-and-coming results. Most new endocrine gland studies make obvious that flavourer remedies are a more strong treatment manner than drugs.
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4. Pygeum, and
5. Lycopene.
Lycopene is one of the much promising suggested substances. It is a element of solanaceous vegetable and is only present in barbecued tomato products. European diets where tomatoes are widely in use have been related to beside low relative frequency of prostate expansion.
Erectile dysfunctions and sore ejaculations are related with tablets based treatments and so men are readily particularly secretive of this. Herbs on the some other paw have few if any hurtful personal effects. Herbs are too more than low-cost.
Combine Herbs For More Effective Treatment
Saw Palmetto Berry, stinging nettle and Pygeum Africanum, are ofttimes nearly new in fusion to garden truck a more than potent and effective nursing for endocrine gland worries.
The Saw Palmetto edible fruit contains some serona repens and serrulata. Together these sort a puissant combination, fashioning it no gobsmack that this berry has been in use for hundreds of geezerhood. It is besides an aphrodisiacal which increases the crop of sperm cell and increases sexual superior skill.
On the separate appendage Stinging nettle has been transcribed as an effectual analysis of inflammatory disease but likewise endocrine gland virus.
The African Plum or Pygeum is another popular herbaceous plant in use to pleasure the ductless gland.
Whilst all these are trenchant in the nurture of prostate conditions, it is pressing to call on your medical practitioner at slightest six unit of time to order of payment for changes in the bulkiness of the ductless gland. It is a overnight case of primal involvement as healed as bar may win the day.


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Funky Lamps
Feb. 7, 2009 No Comments Posted under: Featured
Mico lamp: This cute and funky table lamp the-Mico
embraces fashion whilst retaining a simple, uncluttered form. With a large, eye-catching
meth-acrylate opal white shade, the lamp appeals to minimalists. However, the Mico
conceals hidden extras… the underside of the shade is brightly colored in red or
blue and punctuated by a smattering of holes.
Hebi lamp: This object seems to embody absolute simplicity multiplied
by amazing quality. The hebi lamp is a choice of stylish people, always thinking
about prestige and enjoy being one season ahead of the game.
Rough cut candle holder: Yeah, it is not a lamp, but the light
it provides creates amazing warm glow that is the best way to relax and enjoy life.
The candle holder is made from porcelain and can be easily cleaned with a soft cloth.
Liquid lamp That is exactly the lamp to put smile on faces of your
friends and relatives. It seems to leak but it will never leak out )))
Funky Red Faux Fabric lamp:
This funky fun hanging lamp looks AMAZING in person.
It's a conversation piece. The shade looks like hankerchief, but it's made out of
heavy pvc/plastic material. It really looks cloth-like in person, with thread detail
and everything!


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Adjhar, from Ultima VII
Adjhar is the younger of the two Golem brothers that Astelleron created on the Isle of Fire so that he would no longer be lonely. After Bollux' creation, Astelleron perfected the process and Adjhar became a Golem with the intelligence and vocal abilities of a normal human.
Either on Astelleron's command or on the Shrine's command, Adjhar and his brother Bollux guarded the entrance in the Castle of Fire to the three shrines. They constantly ignored Erethian, as he didn't try to enter. However, when Dracothraxus attacked the castle, a wall fell on Adjhar and he was shattered. Grieving, Bollux took his dead brother back to the hut of the late Astelleron.
In Ultima VII the Avatar helped Bollux to resurrect Adjhar, but Bollux sacrificed himself, to provide the needed heart. Adjar was shocked by this sacrifice, and sad because it hadn't been necessary. After remembering a book about the Stone of Castambre, Adjhar told the Avatar that a new heart for Bollux could be carved out of the stone. The Avatar did that and in the end revived Bollux as well.
Once reunited with his brother, Adjhar resumed his duties and gave the Avatar the Talisman of Love, of which he was the guardian, as the Avatar had proven to understand what Love is.


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PETALING JAYA: An assistant superintendent of police (ASP) and a corporal were among seven people rounded up by anti-graft officers in Sarawak.
The other five were factory and outlet operators based in Sibu, Miri and Kuching.
All seven, aged between 25 and 59, were detained in a sting operation between 11am and 2.45pm yesterday.
Malaysian Anti-Corr Read More


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We must have sales tax in Hong Kong
It is depressing to read Anthony Cheung Bing-leung saying, in effect, that Hong Kong's 'high-land-price' policy is something we have to live with because the government is too scared to try changing it ('Relief from on high', March 10).
If one of the more thoughtful members of the Executive Council thinks this way, what hope is there for serious reform?
He claims that the government is helpless to stop property prices from rising further as tighter planning rules, mainland money and other factors tighten land supply. But look at the inefficient design of flats resulting from outdated building codes.
Look at all the land wasted on unnecessary roads.
You could build a district half the size of Sha Tin in the area currently used up by Disneyland. There is plenty the government can do to increase the amount of space for homes.
He also says that when the government proposed widening the tax base (which would reduce its reliance on land revenues), the public rejected a sales tax.
However, the government's proposal at that time ignored land revenues, suggesting that officials wanted to impose a new broad-based tax while keeping the existing invisible one represented by the 'high-land-price' policy.
What if the government explicitly proposed swapping the invisible land tax for a sales tax?
How would people react when they realised the social and economic benefits of a system where the government no longer had a powerful interest in preventing the community from having and using space?
A tax on all goods and services, rather than just on property, would be fairer and reduce housing prices, smooth out revenues and probably allow a wider range of businesses to flourish.
Last but hardly not least, we have the huge profits made by the property developers in this rigged market, where short supply gives them frightening pricing power.
Their profit margins have, at times, reached the equivalent of a staggering 9 per cent of our entire gross domestic product.
Think how much more affordable housing would be if they had to compete.
And that, of course, is the real problem that Mr Cheung and his colleagues in government cannot bring themselves to address.
The idea that the government can do little or nothing to prevent housing from rising in price is rubbish. But so is the idea that officials would put the community before the developers.
Dominic Quinnell, Central
Genuine need for HOS scheme
I am a university graduate who was born in the 1980s. I have repaid the loan I received to pay my tuition fees and have a stable job. This means I have some savings and can think about owning my own flat and getting married.
However, because of my salary level, I am not eligible to apply for public housing.
Meanwhile, the property market is booming with skyrocketing prices. Consequently, I cannot afford to buy any flats that are currently on the market.
I am not a property speculator; I just want a place to live. Therefore, I urge the government to relaunch the Home Ownership Scheme.
If it did, it should include revised conditions, such as having a longer period during which you are locked in to the contract [before the property can be resold].
This could put off speculators and encourage applicants who simply want an affordable flat.
Leung Ka-wai, Kwun Tong
Find rural route for marathon
There have been calls for a new route to be devised for next year's Hong Kong marathon in a bid to attract more spectators.
I disagree with those who want the race to go through the heart of the city.
I agree that it would be better if there were more spectators. Marathon runners face a severe challenge and it gives them a much-needed boost when there are huge crowds clapping and cheering them on.
With their heavy traffic, tall buildings and population density, parts of Central, Causeway Bay and Wan Chai are so severely polluted that the revised route that has been suggested would not be a good idea for the participants.
Even with cars off the road, air pollution levels can remain high.
We could see even more runners having to give up during the race because they had breathing difficulties.
I also do not think it would be good for Hong Kong's economy if there were even more disruption to the normal flow of traffic, especially in Central.
Retail outlets that are open for business along a revised route might suffer from the traffic ban.
Changing the route could lead to additional costs for the race organisers, resulting in a higher entry fee.
If we are to opt for a new route, why not try to find a suitable venue in a rural part of Hong Kong?
The air would be clearer than in the urban areas and there would be less disruption of traffic and local businesses.
So Ying-kin, Wong Tai Sin
Essential tool for students
I cannot agree with S. Liang ('No subsidies for entertainment', March 15).
Your correspondent does not think the government should provide internet subsidies to low-income families.
Whether the internet assists or distracts students from their studies is debatable. It really comes down to how you use it.
Students cannot be expected to depend on public libraries because demand on the use of internet service there is increasing.
Also, having to go to a library to do your homework is time-consuming.
According to government research, there are more than 10,000 students who cannot afford to have internet access at home.
This is an internet-driven age and pupils must be able to have easy access to computers.
Jack Leung, Kwai Chung
Bio-diesel crop ruins forests
I refer to the letter by Nigel Lam ('Lack of support for bio-diesel', March 19).
The demand for bio-diesel is responsible for the wholesale destruction of huge forested areas of Indonesia. The massive burning off of these precious forests creates smoke that blows all the way to Kuala Lumpur and lasts for months.
A non-food crop is then planted on the land and will be converted to fuel for export so Europeans can drive cars. This is the economic reality of mindlessly promoting bio-diesel.
Local action is different. You can legally sell and use bio-diesel in Hong Kong. No permit is required. You just cannot call it motor fuel.
Anyone can join the other cooking oil recyclers going door-to-door at restaurants, and re-process it for use in vehicles. No one is stopping us. The important point, however, for those who promote bio-diesel, is to pay attention to the worldwide ecosystem and do no harm.
Annelise Connell, Stanley
Problem solved by fewer outlets
I share Billy Cheuk Ka-lok's concern over the failure of the law to prevent the sale of cigarettes to minors ('Get tough on cigarette sales', March 13). However, we should stop blaming the stores for flouting the law.
Why should employees of the thousands of retail outlets that sell tobacco be willing to put up with verbal abuse because they refuse to sell cigarettes to under-age smokers?
As I said in my letter ('Law has failed to stop tobacco sales to minors', February 1), the best way to uphold the law is to reduce the number of outlets immediately.
This is the most effective step to prevent minors from getting cigarettes so easily. To allocate additional scarce resources to apprehend the guilty parties would waste taxpayers' money.
I hope the Tobacco Control Office will give serious consideration to my proposal.
Ang Ah-lay, Causeway Bay
Shocking case
I refer to the report '61/2 years' jail for teacher who preyed on boy, 12, in private lessons', (March 11). There have been a number of similar cases in Hong Kong. The people who commit these acts must be punished.
It shocks me a teacher could abuse his position and prey on his student. How can people who realise they have paedophiliac tendencies decide to become teachers? Surely, officials must come up with an effective system that identifies people working with children who might pose a risk. Schools also have a responsibility in this regard.
It is so sad when parents put their trust in people who they regard as professionals, only to unwittingly expose the child to danger.
Parents must make a point of communicating regularly with their children, so they can spot whether the child is upset and recognise that something is wrong. They need to teach their children to call for help if they are approached by someone whom they fear poses a risk.
Elaine Lam, Kwun Tong
Unfair subsidy
I agree with Crystal Zhong ('ESF does not deserve subsidy', March 17), but for a different reason. The English Schools Foundation is just another international school from a foreign country, in this case Britain, that has set up in Hong Kong.
Other nations' international schools in the city receive no subsidy from the Hong Kong government. Instead, they get subsidies from the governments of their home countries.
Why should the ESF be any different and get a subsidy from the Hong Kong administration, but nothing from the British government?
Peter Lok, Chai Wan
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My guest today found me online after she came across The Mom Pledge. She reached out via email, and I knew we were kindred spirits. Leslie Irish Evans writes and speaks about the importance of self-care in the lives of women, with special focus on moms and entrepreneurs.
She's a Huffington Post blogger, co-author of Mom Entrepreneur Extraordinaire, and author of the upcoming book Peeling Mom Off the Ceiling: Reclaiming Your Life From Your Kids. You can learn more about her and get a free copy of her gorgeous e-booklet "The Touch Manifesto" at www.leslieirishevans.com.
She's a Huffington Post blogger, co-author of Mom Entrepreneur Extraordinaire, and author of the upcoming book Peeling Mom Off the Ceiling: Reclaiming Your Life From Your Kids. You can learn more about her and get a free copy of her gorgeous e-booklet "The Touch Manifesto" at www.leslieirishevans.com.
I knew Leslie was going to write something funny when she emailed me and asked, "What's your policy on cursing?" Which in itself made me laugh. For the record, I don't have one. But although I am known to curse like a sailor in real life, I have always found myself stopping short of cursing in my writing. I can't explain why. I just don't like to do it.
I have no problem whatsoever when others writers curse in their work, however. There are times when a good curse word is simply called for...
I have no problem whatsoever when others writers curse in their work, however. There are times when a good curse word is simply called for...
Seriously, bugger off. I'm sick of you telling me to do stuff. All day long, you boss me around: Try this Pinterest recipe. Read this list about how we're all going to get cancer. Build this DIY chicken coop. Always wanting me to do stuff. I've had enough.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to do your stuff? I've got back to school shopping, a dog with a urinary tract infection, and I'm on Day Five of this diet that's cut out all my sugar and baked goods and I'm 'bout ready to cut someone. And that's it for today, Internet. That's all I can handle. You keep telling me I should do more but YOU AREN'T THE BOSS OF ME, INTERNET.
You know who likes to do stuff?
Ooh, I burned you there.
OK, fine, you want to stay? Then I need you to be more helpful around here. Here's a list of what I want you to do (That's right, the tables are turned. You are now my bitch.):
- Shut yourself off once in a while. Make the screen go blank and then just post a sign saying "GO FOR A WALK OUTSIDE." Don't turn back on 'til I've done it.
- Only show me one thing at a time. You have fed my ADD like no other source in the world. I'm tired of Candy Crushing my Facebook Reddit blogs. Stop being so clickable. I'm like a frickin' lab rat tapping the button for its next heroin dose.
- Quit being so damned convenient. Seriously, you're available everywhere. It used to be if I had a question about some fact I had to go to a library and look at encyclopedias or … or … microfiche. And since that was usually too much work I just went on with my day, living in happy ignorance. Not anymore. I've accessed you in places I really shouldn't have, Internet, and it's cost me. No person should be saddled with the title "Queen of the Poopernet".
- Less celebrity gossip, more local gossip. I don't even know Brad Pitt. Instead of telling me what his deal is, tell me what the deal is with that family across the street who only put the tiniest garbage can out on the curb each week. How is that even possible? They've got four kids. That's news I could use.
- Clean my house. How are you, more of a world-wide concept than an actual physical entity, going to accomplish that? I don't know, Internet, but you're smart. You'll figure it out. Try Googling it.
- Compliment me. You're always telling me about some "weird" technique some local mom used to lose 10 lbs, or what men really want in bed. Why don't you tell me I look pretty once in a while?
- Scratch that last one. OK, to be fair, I think I've started confusing you with my husband. My bad, Internet. That one's on me.
So that's the deal, Internet. Get yourself into shape or GTFO. Quitting you is easy. I've done it dozens of times. Meet this list of demands or I'm tossing you and this computer into my large and completely-normal-for-a-family-this-size trash bin.
Right after I finish this next level of Candy Crush.
Well, I guess for now Candy Crush is as close to sugar as you're going to get to sweets, Leslie. I tried giving up sugar once. It went about as well as it would if I tried to give up the Internet.
Check out these other great Summer Series posts:


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Running Time: 137 minutes
Released: 04/2012
Studio Name: Porn XN
Series: Extreme Mothers
Categories: Lesbian Euro Mature International Shocking Penetration All Sex M.I.L.F. All Girl British
Description: Don't miss big old swollen clits and mature pussy lips geting fisted.
5 Scenes from Extreme Mothers 3
Extreme Mothers 3: Scene 1 Free Preview
Starring: Red XXX ... More Details
Stars: Red XXX
Sex Acts: Breast Play, Pissing, Girl on Girl action, Fisting, Masturbation, Oral Sex
Settings: Generic Room
Extreme Mothers 3: Scene 2 Free Preview
Sex Acts: Breast Play, Rim Job, Wet / Messy, Girl on Girl action, Fisting, Masturbation, Oral Sex
Settings: Living Room
Extreme Mothers 3: Scene 3 Free Preview
Sex Acts: Fisting, Breast Play, Girl on Girl action, Masturbation
Settings: Living Room
Extreme Mothers 3: Scene 4 Free Preview
Starring: Wendy Taylor ... More Details
Stars: Wendy Taylor
Sex Acts: Fisting, Breast Play, Girl on Girl action, Masturbation, Oral Sex
Settings: Dungeon
Extreme Mothers 3: Scene 5 Free Preview
Sex Acts: Breast Play, Girl on Girl action, Fisting, Masturbation
Settings: Dungeon
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