text:
How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back -Version 2.0-
"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"
The main goal of this website has always been very simple.
To teach women how to get their ex boyfriends back.
Every single article that has ever been written for this site has centered on an area of the overall ex recovery process. In early April of 2013 I released an article entitled how to get your ex boyfriend back. That 10,000 word guide detailed a step by step process that helped women get their ex boyfriends back.
As of today that guide has garnered over 3,800 comments (and still counting.) Of course, we live in an age where people only want the "latest" information and while I am extremely proud of my "super guide" it is a little outdated.
In fact, not only is it a bit old but I know a lot more about getting exes back than I did in the early stages of last year.
So, I came up with a pretty clever idea.
What would happen if I wrote another large guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back that completely updated my philosophy?
Well, something tells me that I will have a lot of happy people on this site! So, here it is. This is going to be my updated guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back.
I Am Going To Coach You… For FREE!
And that's where I come in!
What if I were to tell you that I have put together an "On Demand Coaching Class" where I am going to coach you for free?
All you need to do if you want to join my FREE coaching class is click the green button below,
Yes, I Want You To Coach MeSign Up For Free On Demand Coaching
I thought would be kind of cool to show you some of the actual results women have gotten through my "On Demand Coaching,"
Oh, and if you were wondering "Jennifer Christina" is my wife 😉 .
This is another Facebook testimonial from someone who is on the Private Facebook Group.
I've got about 300 more Facebook testimonials just like this.
If you are interested in joining my Free On Demand Coaching please click the link below,
Sign Up For My Free On Demand Coaching
A Truth You Are Going To Have To Accept
It's funny.
I remember when I wrote the very first "how to get your ex boyfriend back" guide I wrote a section exactly like this one. Turns out that in the last year absolutely nothing has changed.
As you learn in my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO getting your ex boyfriend back is not an exact science. Most "experts" out there would have you believe that if you buy their product that you are guaranteed to get him back. The truth is that there are no guarantees when it comes to this. Most of the women reading this guide will probably fail. I used to think that this was just the way it was. That when people break up they don't get back together because that was the way the world worked.
Well, something I was shocked to learn was the fact that most women fail to get their exes back because they are undisciplined.
Let me give you an example. Lets say that you read this entire page and absorbed the information. Now, I am pretty good at making complicated subjects easy to understand so I promise you that you will understand everything in this guide. If you absorbed the information and knew exactly what to do to raise your chances of getting your ex back you still might fail because YOU failed to put the information into practice.
That is the real challenge here.
Understanding what you need to do to get your ex boyfriend back is the easy part. Actually putting it into practice is the hard part.
What This Page Covers
Obviously this page is going to be about how you can get your ex boyfriend back. I am sure if you go back to the original guide you will find a section similar to this one and you may find some major similarities between the two but I guarantee you that there are a lot of new concepts to teach.
Here are a few of the new things that I will be covering on this page:
- If you should get your ex back or you should move on (weighing percentages.)
- My updated philosophy on the no contact rule.
- An update on the phone calls.
- More advice on how to get your ex back in person.
Of course, even the old things that were covered in the previous guide will be getting an update and you will be getting my new take on:
- Things you should do during the no contact rule and why they are essential.
- What you should text your ex boyfriend.
- Your "Game Plan" for getting him back.
- The different type of responses to texting and what to do when you get them.
- How to approach a phone call with your ex boyfriend.
Alright enough talk. Lets get to the actual "guide."
Knowing How To Weigh Your Chances
A question I get all the time in the comments section of this site is,
"Do I even have a chance of getting him back?"
The truth is that technically you always have a chance to get your ex boyfriend back. However, what you really want to know is how good your chances are of getting him back. I created this section in the guide because I feel that sometimes going after an ex boyfriend isn't always going to benefit you in the end and I want to help you determine which situations are like that.
It's All About A Happy Ending
Do you know what I want for you?
I want you to get back with your ex boyfriend and have a happy ending. I want you to get married, have kids and pretty much have the absolute best outcome possible after implementing this game plan. Unfortunately, not everyone can obtain this type of happy outcome.
Ok, I am about to lay down a hard dose of reality.
Take a step back from your current situation and ask yourself,
"Can I have a happy ending with my ex boyfriend?"
For example, if any of the following things happened you may have trouble answering that question honestly:
- You cheated on him.
- He cheated on you.
- He abused you emotionally.
- You abused him emotionally
- Your fights got out of hand frequently.
- If he has a new SERIOUS girlfriend (not a rebound.)
(If he abused you physically then DO NOT try to get him back. You need to find help and you may even need to call the police.)
If you look at the list above and find that you have done one or more of the things there you may be freaking out. Well, I didn't say it was impossible to get your ex boyfriend back if any of the things on the list above were committed. All I am saying is that your chances of getting him back will be decreased.
In the end it is your decision on whether or not to try to get him back. However, I will tell you in all honesty that your chances may be seriously hurt if any of the things above happened.
Ok, lets recap.
A Quick Recap
- The first step to weighing your chances is asking yourself if a happy ending is in sight for you and your ex. If you can't envision one then it probably isn't a good idea to try to get him back.
- One of the keys to seeing a happy ending is trying your best to look at the situation without bias (which I realize I am telling the most biased people on the planet this haha.)
- You should also weigh your chances by taking a look at what happened in your relationship. Specifically what caused the breakup.
- If things like cheating, emotional abuse, BAD fighting have occurred then your chances of success will not be as high.
- It is important to distinguish between a rebound girlfriend and a serious girlfriend. If your ex has gotten a serious new girlfriend then your chances of success will not be very high.
Your Game Plan For Success
(If you would like a full in-depth game plan on how to get your ex back check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
It has been about a year since I last put my original game plan for getting an ex boyfriend back into writing. That means that I have had an entire year to make tweaks and evolve my philosophy to improve your chances of getting him back.
While this new game plan is very similar to the old one found on my very first guide on getting an ex boyfriend back there are a few major differences.
Well, let me put it this way. When you help hundreds of women succeed in getting their boyfriends back you learn a thing or two about what works and what doesn't work. As a result of seeing many successes it is only natural that your philosophy evolves.
Of course, before I can go into the specifics of what you need to do it is probably best for me to talk about the overall "game plan" that we are going to be following for success:
(A More In-Depth Game Plan Can Be Found In Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO)
Ok, that was a lot to digest so lets take a moment and break down what all of this means.
Dissecting The Game Plan
In my infinite wisdom 😉 I have learned that the best way to get your ex back is to slowly build attraction.
Let me ask you a question. If you were given two choices:
- To rush to get your ex boyfriend back as soon as possible.
- To take your time and slowly build attraction to get him back.
Which do you think yields the higher success rate?
It seems so obvious when I put it into terms like that doesn't it?
However, the mistake that most women make is the fact that they just want the pain they are feeling (the lonliness, depression, etc) to stop as soon as possible and they rush the ex recovery process.
This is not something that you should rush. Often times going slow is better than going fast.
Lets take a look at the game plan above now.
(Don't worry if this doesn't make sense to you right now because I will be going over every step in a much more in-depth manner in a minute.)
Use The No Contact Rule
The no contact rule has many functions. For one, it is going to drive your ex crazy that you are ignoring him. Ideally, it is going to make him realize what he has lost. However, it is also going to give you a chance to work on yourself and get your mind in the right place.
Send Text Messages (Learn More In The Texting Bible)
There is a certain way that you need to send a text message after the no contact rule has been completed. I will teach you exactly how a bit later in this guide.
Build Attraction In Texts (Again, Learn More In The Texting Bible)
Once you establish a texting conversation with your ex it is your goal to build attraction in that conversation to make him want you. The end goal is to either get him on the phone or to get a date. It doesn't matter what happens first just that it happens. Most likely though he will end up giving you a call.
Attraction Leads To Phone Calls
I hope by now you see what we are doing? Essentially, we are slowly working our way to a date where you can reconnect with him on an emotional and physical level. Once you have him on the phone keep building that attraction to get your date.
Phone Call Leads To A Date
If you have built enough attraction through texts and phone calls it is only inevitable that you will get a date. Once you get this date you can work on reconnecting with your ex boyfriend and hopefully get rid of the "ex" and make him your boyfriend.
The No Contact Rule
Have you ever heard that phrase,
Silence is a source of great strength?
Well, the no contact rule kind of abides by that philosophy. If you are new to this site then let me say up front that I have written a lot about the no contact rule.
Because it is an essential step of this entire process. What I am going to do now is give you a few quick links to some of the most popular no contact pages I have written.
- The No Contact Rule – This article is basically an introduction into the no contact rule. It talks about what it is, how to perform it and how it can benefit you.
- The Male Mind During No Contact – This one basically talks about everything that is going on inside your exes mind once you perform the no contact rule on him.
- What If He Doesn't Contact You During No Contact – Every woman's greatest fear about the no contact rule is if she performs it and he doesn't contact her. This guide specifically covers that.
Believe me when I tell you that the no contact rule is an absolute vital part of the "get your ex back" process. However, watching people do it for the last year I have learned some very interesting things that I didn't know when I first talked about no contact.
First though, lets talk a little about what the no contact rule is.
The No Contact Rule- A period of time where you aren't allowed to respond to phone calls, texts, facebooks, snap chats, emails or anything else from your ex. In addition to that you are not allowed to reach out to your ex at all during the no contact time frame.
Now, what I am about to say next may shake the beliefs of my most loyal readers. When I first created the "get your ex boyfriend back" process I was dead set on having the no contact rule at 30 days and I still am. In other words, that means for 30 days you can't call, text or respond to your ex at all.
However, now that I have seen so many people try the no contact rule I have decided that in some cases a shorter no contact period may be best.
Let me give you an example of a case like that.
Lets pretend that you decide that you want to use the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. Around day 5 your ex starts realizing that you are ignoring him and he sends you a text message like this:
Believe it or not this is the type of message that I have seen multiple women get during the no contact rule.
A message like this is pretty bad right?
Actually no, it meas that your ex boyfriend wants to talk to you more than anything and that is a good thing. A message like this is essentially a hissy fit where he is going to threaten you by cutting you out of his life. It's funny, whenever a guy pulls out a message like this I always think back to that TV show "24." Basically, "24" is about a counter terrorism unit agent called Jack Bauer. The whole show is based around the principle that the United States doesn't negotiate with terrorists (well, unless they really really have to… but that is besides the point.)
When your ex boyfriend threatens you in this way I view him, and this may be a little extreme, but I view him as a terrorist and we don't negotiate with terrorists. However, the sheer fact that he is so upset about you using the no contact rule on him tells us that no contact is working it's magic on him faster than normal.
Now, I am not going to lie to you. The big risk with the no contact rule is the fact that you could potentially anger your ex boyfriend to the point where he doesn't want to talk to you at all so he can kind of "get back" at you for ignoring him.
That is why I have come up with an alternative to the 30 day no contact rule.
What is it?
The 21 day no contact rule.
21 Days Vs. 30 Days
I already know this is going to confuse the heck out of people so I really want you to pay attention to what I say here.
The 21 day no contact rule is not something you can start off with. It is only an option you have if things go your way. Again, I realize this may be a little confusing so let me give you a live example.
Pretend that I am your ex boyfriend. Since you are a very smart woman you are going to use the no contact rule on me. You are going to start off by using the 30 day no contact rule. Early within that no contact period (lets say around day 6) I start to send you a lot of text messages asking you where you are. Of course, you ignore them because you are in the no contact rule. During day 7 of the no contact rule I start to get angry and I send you a text message like the "mock example" I gave above.
You know, the "Ill erase you from my phone if you don't message me."
If this happens then you should feel proud of yourself because that means that I desperately want you to talk to me. In this particular case you can have the option to shorten your 30 day no contact rule to 21 days. Do you see how it works?
Only if the no contact rule is working can you shorten your 30 day period to 21 days.
No Contact Is A Battle On Two Fronts
A lot of people don't realize this but the no contact rule is meant to work in two different ways. In other words, you are going to be fighting a battle on two fronts at the same exact time. Sounds pretty crazy huh? Allow me to expand on it a little bit more.
The first way that no contact is supposed to work is that it's supposed to have an affect on your ex boyfriend.
The second way is that it allows you to look inwards and improve yourself.
The key to a successful no contact rule is combining the two which is something that I am going to talk about right now.
Front One – Self Improvement
Have you ever heard that question,
If you can't love yourself then how can you love someone else?
Self improvement during the no contact rule is all about starting at point A to get to point Z (point Z obviously being your ex.) It always irks me when women come to this site, read about the no contact rule and then completely disregard the fact that self improvement is a part of it.
I am going to get mean for a moment here.
Right now you aren't good enough to get your ex boyfriend back. You are emotional, your life is out of balance and quite honestly your confidence is probably lower than ever. I plan on helping you change that. I want you to re-invent yourself. I want you to become someone so incredible that not only can your ex boyfriend NOT resist you but pretty much every other man on the face of the earth too.
I want you to become the ungettable girl.
The Ungettable Girl
The ungettable girl is a concept that I came up with to describe a girl that can pretty much make any man crazy. I remember sitting at my desk while coming up with the outline for Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO and asking myself,
"If I were to create a girl that can make any man chase her (especially her ex boyfriend) what would she be like?"
Lets talk about that for a second now. What would the "perfect" girl be like?
I think the first thing that you have to understand is that every man out there loves the chase. They may say that they hate it but the truth is that deep down we all kind of like it when we can't get the girl at first. Besides, when we finally do get the girl it makes us feel like we won the ultimate prize.
The ungettable girl has to have the entire package.
She has to have beauty. She has to have brains. She has to be funny. She has to be sexy. Essentially, she has to be everything that every man could ever want. Remember, the goal of becoming the ungettable girl isn't to just please your ex boyfriend. It's to please every single man on the planet.
So, how are you supposed to achieve all this?
(Because clearly you aren't any of this right now.)
Well, lets start by talking about a few of the specific aspects of the ungettable girl.
- Beauty
- Personality
- Confidence
- Popularity
Ok, I guess that is more than a few "aspects" but you want to do this right, right?
It's always funny to me that in movies they always say something like,
"Looks don't matter."
What I am about to say might make a few women angry but I honestly don't care. I am not here to tell you what you want to hear. I am here to deal with the truth and the truth is that looks matter to men. I can honestly say that I have never pointed at a woman who is clearly ugly and thought to myself,
"Wow… she's an ungettable girl."
I am sorry it just doesn't happen.
My eye isn't caught by an overweight woman walking into a room. No, it is caught by the fit looking beauty that walked in behind the whale.
Yes I said it, WHALE!
(Told you I'm not holding anything back.)
Now, if you are sitting here reading this and you feel a little overweight then consider this your wake up call. Get off your lazy butt and do something about it. You have 21-30 days of time to do something about it so don't just sit there and waste that time.
Oh, and I don't want to hear excuses.
I hear excuses all day long from women. You know what, I don't care about your excuse. I want to see results from you not hear some stupid excuse. Use this time to get in the best shape of your life because you know what, things are going to start falling into place for you if you do so.
Do you want to know how much personality matters to men?
Let me tell you a little story and trust me when I say that everything I talk about below really happened to me.
I have debated telling this story for months because the truth is I am not fond of telling personal stories that talk about other people but this one so clearly illustrates the point I am making here that I can't resist. A year ago I met this beautiful girl. Now, let me tell you that I am quite picky so this girl was really something looks wise to catch my attention.
This site wasn't in existence yet when I met her so I hadn't thought up the concept of an ungettable girl but looking back she was definitely had the goods "looks wise" to be an UG (ungettable girl.)
The two of us quickly hit it off and initially her personality was pretty great.
Then it happened.
Slowly but surely I started to get to know the real her and I learned that her personality was very unstable. Seriously, she was the worst type of girl out there. She was a girl who thought her personality was fantastic when in reality it was horrible.
Want to know what I disliked the most about it?
Have you ever read that children's book "The Giving Tree?"
Well, the book is basically about this tree that loves this little boy with all it's heart. The little boy keeps asking the tree to give him things and the tree, since it loves the little boy, gives the little boy everything he asks for. As the boy grows up he keeps asking the tree to give him things and the tree does. By the end of the book the boy has grown into an old man and the tree is nothing but a stump.
Essentially, the boy had taken so much from the tree that the tree had nothing left to give.
This "beautiful" girl made me feel like the tree. While I was definitely not in love with her (didn't even date her) I did have feelings for her and she knew that and used them to take advantage of me. I remember she always used to say,
"I am a great friend to everyone!"
When she said that I remember rolling my eyes and thinking to myself,
"Sure you are."
The point was that eventually I stopped being friends with her because I learned she treated everyone like this. Every single friend she had she would just take and take and take until the friends had nothing left to give and I refused to have that happen to me.
This is when I learned something absolutely amazing.
What was the first thing that I said about this girl?
I said she was beautiful right?
Well, after I learned about her personality every time I looked at her picture on Facebook I no longer found her attractive. Seriously, she was a beautiful girl but her personality made her looks horrible to me. That was when I learned that looks and personality have a direct correlation.
The two will always be linked and the key to an ungettable girl is that she has high marks in both looks and personality.
If I had to take a guess I would say that right now your confidence is pretty much down in the dumps.
Hey, I am not blaming you. You just had your heart ripped out. I don't think you would be human if you were all happy after a breakup. Nevertheless, you aren't going to get your ex boyfriend back if you aren't confident with yourself.
Even more important, there is no way in he** you are going to become an ungettable girl without confidence.
There's that word again, confidence.
What the heck does it mean? So often you hear the advice,
"Oh, just be confident."
"If you are confident you can get any man."
That is nice and all but what the heck is this confidence and how the heck do you get it? I am a guy so I feel I can bring a unique perspective when it comes to confidence for women. I have had the privileged of meeting a lot of confident women throughout my life.
Some are the perfect amount of confidence and some are way too confident that it is off-putting. Lets start there, with the worst case scenario when it comes to confidence.
Have you ever met a guy that you really liked at first. He was good looking, had a good job and his personality seemed to be relatively normal. However, once you got to know him you learned that all he seemed to talk about were his muscles. He was so self absorbed and conceited that you were immediately turned off by him.
A lot of women don't know this but there is actually an equivalent to that. Something that women can do that can be a complete turn off to men.
I once knew this woman who would always tell me that she was the most confident person ever. Seriously, she would repeatedly tell me about how confident she is in herself.
(FYI.. she totally wasn't.)
The point is that someone who is truly confident doesn't need to say that they are confident they just are. Women who try too hard to be confident and feel the need to prove it is a total turn off to men.
Most men prefer someone who has such strong self belief that they just exude confidence. Almost like it is just natural to them. A girl who smiles a lot, who is completely classy and is not ashamed of who she is. One thing that I believe is that becoming confident relies heavily on two factors.
- How much you believe in yourself.
- And not caring what anyone thinks of you.
If you can master these two things then don't worry, you are well on your way to becoming confident. Want to take a look at the most confident animal ever? Consider yourself warned.
Throughout this site I have talked about the idea of social proof on multiple occasions.
What is social proof?
Well, it is an idea that I picked up from probably the strangest community ever, pickup artists. Hey, I don't want those judging glares from you ladies. The only reason I researched tactics there was to find stuff that I could use to help YOU to get your ex back.
Anyways, the way social proof works is kind of clever.
Imagine that you were in a bar and everyone in that bar was giving you a lot of attention. Hmmm… picture this happening to you:
Alright, you are getting a lot of attention from guys. Well, in the warped mind of men a girl who is actually hit on a lot by other men is perceived as higher value and more attractive.
THIS is social proof.
Now, how can you use this to your advantage when it comes to your ex boyfriend?
Well, I don't think it is any coincidence that every single ungettable girl out there is well liked by all of her friends and is extremely popular. Besides, a little jealousy never hurts to make an ex realize how much he truly cares for you.
I recommend that you use this no contact period as a time to socialize and have amazing experiences your friends. Heck, I don't even think its a bad idea to go on a date with someone new to just to test the waters.
In other words, go out and enjoy life. Don't just sit around waiting for your ex to call.
Front Two – The Effect It Has On Your Ex Boyfriend
So, while you are working on self improvement the no contact rule should simultaneously be having an effect on your ex boyfriend.
Now, before I start getting into specifics someone in the comments section of this website made me aware of a big flaw with the no contact rule. If you remember, before this "updated" philosophy on the no contact rule I originally told women to go into the 30 day no contact rule no matter what.
That means if you and your ex had a major fight you would be going into the no contact rule for 30 days on the heels of that major fight. While doing that would certainly give you and your ex time to cool down it also means that your ex has a lot of anger towards you.
Rather recently I wrote a guide where I discussed a major psychological concept.
(For the life of me I can't remember what that concept was called.)
Anyways, this concept basically says that the things that people remember the most when it comes to relationships are the beginnings and endings of that relationship. Well, if you have a major fight at the end of your relationship and you immediately go into the no contact rule then the last thing that your ex is going to remember is that major fight.
Therein lies our flaw. If your ex is super angry with you during the no contact rule then the chances of it working on him the way that it is supposed to will be decreased.
So, how do we solve this little problem?
Working Around The Flaw
One of my favorite movies to watch is Inception.
The amount of thought behind that movie just blows me away every time I watch it. Anyways, I am a little weird. When I watch a movie that I really like there are certain phrases or quotes that stick with me for life. In the movie Inception there is a certain phrase that Leonardo DiCaprio's character mutters that I still think about today.
Positive emotions trump negative emotions every single time.
I think that particular quote applies to this little predicament. If you can get your ex into a positive mindset as opposed to a negative one before you go into the no contact rule then the chances of no contact working will be greatly increased.
I guess the question now becomes how can you put your ex into a positive mindset.
For some women it may be impossible to achieve. No matter what they say or do their ex may be so stubborn he will refuse to calm down until the no contact rule is completed. Nevertheless, a classy text message from you is better than nothing.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am a HUGE fan of classy girls.
I have been on this planet for quite a while and have dealt with my fair share of women who aren't classy. Let me tell you that it is actually a really nice thing to encounter one who is extremely classy. Even in defeat and make no mistake about it for you a breakup with your ex is a defeat.
If you or your ex had a huge fight or left things on bad terms before you are about to do the no contact rule then I think it would benefit you to send a text message like this:
While that text message may look like an apology it really isn't if you read it carefully. It's just a really classy woman willing to be mature about the situation. It doesn't matter if your ex responds to the message or not. Oh, and if he does respond to a message like this you aren't supposed to respond to him. Remember, you are going right into no contact after you send this message.
The main point is that he reads it and maybe feels a little bit better. You want him in that positive mindset before you go into the no contact rule and a message like this may do the trick to get him in that mindset.
Lets take a look at how NC is supposed to work on him.
How It Works On Him
To be honest I am tired of talking about the negative "what ifs."
I feel that so far in this guide I have just been talking about how to avoid those negative "what if's." Lets turn our attention to some of the positive "what if's." Lets imagine for a minute that you are doing a no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and it is working. Lets talk about the effect that it should have on him.
Relationships have this funny way of creating this bond between two people.
Heck, even the "talking" stage before you are even dating someone officially has a way of doing that. Every single little action that, that person takes is magnified. Every time they talk to someone you take note of it and every time they do something it affects you.
There is only one way I know how to describe this bond but it is going to require some role playing from you and I.
Lets say that you and I just started dating and we are in the same room together. More specifically, we are both sitting on a couch and watching a TV show. You decide that you are hungry and you get up to make a sandwich. Now, you are a sandwich making master. While your sandwiches are amazing they do take time to make.
So, you have gotten up from the couch and are now in the kitchen. About 7 minutes pass and I decide that I can't bear to be without you so I decide to follow you to the kitchen to talk to you.
That pull that made me get up off the couch to see you in the kitchen is the bond. It's this internal bond that makes me think the following thought:
"I can't bear to be without her.. Heck, I can't bear to NOT be in the same room with her."
The no contact rule is meant to tap into this bond. To use silence as a way of making an ex realize that life really sucks without you. The idea is to make him think back to the days where he didn't have you and make him realize how miserable he was without you in his life.
THAT is the effect that the no contact rule should have on an ex boyfriend.
Sending And Building Attraction In Text Messages
(If you want more step by step instructions on text messages check out my guide The Texting Bible.)
I know we have gone over a lot so take a moment and catch your breath because we still have a lot to cover.
Scroll back up to the "Game Plan." What were steps two and three?
Sending text messages and building attraction through them.
Well, in this section of the guide I am going to be covering both of those things. First though, I want to take a moment and explain why text messages are preferred over a phone call.
Why Text Messages?
You do realize that you just cut this person out of your life for a period of time right?
Most men are much more perceptive of stuff like this than they let on. For example, whenever I care about someone I notice everything when it comes to text messaging. I notice when they are sad. I notice when they are happy. I notice when they start pulling away. But most importantly, I notice when they are ignoring me.
Trust me when I say that your ex boyfriend will notice that you have ignored him.
So, calling him up out of the blue probably isn't the best play. I would rather you go with what society has dictated the most personal form of communication, the text message.
Text messages have many different advantages.
If you have picked up my book, The Texting Bible then you may have seen me mention that text messaging is non threatening. For that reason it is perfect to use after the no contact rule.
However, one of the things I have learned through helping thousands of women is that you should really only have two goals when it comes to text messaging after the no contact rule.
Your Two Goals
Your entire game plan when it comes to text messaging is going to revolve around two goals. Of course, when you take a step back you will learn that the two goals really compliment each other. If you successfully complete one then you can successfully complete the other.
So, what are these two goals.
Goal 1- To build attraction with your ex boyfriend.
Goal 2- To transition from text messages to talking on the phone.
Often times the best way to get an ex boyfriend on the phone is to build attraction with him and if you happen to be very successful in building that attraction you may luck out and he could ask you on a date. Let's assume the worst though and assume that the best you can do is get an ex boyfriend on the phone. Well, talking on the phone with an ex boyfriend is your stepping stone to a date. So, as you can see every step in this process is meant to get you that date so you can get him back.
One thing I do want to say is that many women make the mistake of skipping goal one and going straight to goal two before building attraction. This is a major mistake because this is the very definition of rushing the process and trust me when I say this is a process that can't be rushed.
You have a very clear path to what you are supposed to do:
Building Attraction = Phone Calls
If you follow that simple structure during your texting phase then I guarantee you are going to have some nice success.
How To Build Attraction In Text Messages
When it comes to building attraction (or in your case re-building attraction) you can't be overeager.
The number one mistake I see from women when it comes to this phase of my philosophy is that they are too eager to see an end result. Attraction isn't built that way. True attraction is built slowly and carefully. It isn't something that you cant just manufacture overnight with a few text messages. It is something that has to slowly develop. It is something that requires discipline and patience and even though I am about to show you exactly what you need to do to build attraction I am positive that 90% of the women reading this will fall victim to their own emotions and desires and fail to do things correctly.
Why do I say that?
I have helped a lot of women try to get their exes back. I can only think of a handful that I have helped that were able to pull this off. It's not because they were more intelligent or special than anyone else. It was because they had discipline, patience and most importantly, confidence.
I guess the point I am trying to make here is that if you follow my advice in this section you should be able to re-build attraction with your ex boyfriend.
The First Contact Text
Your first true test is going to happen immediately after the no contact period.
You have essentially ignored your ex for 30 days (or 21 days depending on some situations.) How in the world are you supposed to approach this situation?
Simple, you are going to have to send a compelling text message. I always find myself telling people to make their text messages so interesting that their ex has no choice but to respond to it. Sadly, I feel no one takes my advice when it comes to this.
Most women are content to send a simple,
"Hey, whats up?"
or my personal favorite,
I am going to teach you something about men by teaching you something about myself.
I HATE ONE WORD TEXT MESSAGES. Not only that but I hate text messages with no substance. It always annoys me when I get a lame response from a girl. What do I consider to be a lame response? One word texts and messages with absolutely no substance at all.
Seriously, I roll my eyes and put my phone down for a few moments whenever I receive responses like these. I take a few moments and debate whether or not I should even respond. So, let me ask you something. What makes you think that any guy is different from me? What makes you think that any guy would be ok with receiving a lame response?
Don't be the girl who doesn't put any thought behind her text messages. Be the most interesting person he is currently texting.
Here is an example of an interesting text that you can use for first contact.
(For more example text messages like this check out The Texting Bible.)
There are two really important things to talk about with this message.
First, there is the initial,
"You are not going to believe what happened to me…"
I absolutely think that little message is the most clever thing ever. Seriously, if someone sent "you are not going to believe what happened to me.." to you, your mind is probably going to race with possibilities.
"What could it be?"
"I Just have to find out!"
In my experience, you should get a response when you send the "you won't believe.." initial message out. However, that is only one half of the equation. Now you have to come up with a compelling story that will cause your ex boyfriend to respond to you.
I don't recommend you copy my doppelganger story word for word but you can use it as an idea of the type of interesting thing that should get your ex to bite.
When Do You End The Conversation?
Lets assume that everything went according to plan. You sent a compelling first contact text message and then got a response.
The question now becomes how long do you keep the conversation going for?
When I originally came up with the idea for a first contact text message I advised people to end the conversation immediately. So, essentially what I was advising was,
- Send first contact text message.
- Get a positive response.
- End the conversation immediately on a positive note.
Experience has taught me there may be a better way.
Rather than immediately ending the conversation I think it is a good idea to go a little deeper into the conversation. In other words, extend the conversation by about 2-3 more text messages. Here is how it should play out.
- Send first contact text message.
- Get a positive response.
- Initiate a conversation where you send 2-3 more text messages.
- End the conversation on a positive note.
Do you see how that works?
Getting On Friendly Terms Again
Before you can start getting into the more emotional type of text messages you are going to have to get on friendly terms with your ex boyfriend again.
A few months ago I came up with a term to describe this. I called it "priming."
Priming- A way in which you can test/get your ex boyfriend ready to talk about more emotional topics (aka your previous relationship.)
Lets say that you are ready to talk about your old relationship but you are unsure if your ex is. Well, priming can be used to kill two birds with one stone. First, you can slowly get your ex ready to talk about those more emotional topics. Second, you can use priming as a way to test to see if he is ready to advance to emotional things.
I realize this may be a little complicated to digest so I am going to spend some extra time on it because understanding how to "prime" your ex is essential in this section.
How Priming Works
Ok, the one thing we already know is that you can't jump into an emotional topic (like your old relationship with your ex) right off the bat. No, the preferred way to get into that stuff is with some preparation. That is where the priming comes in.
I want you to look at priming as a way to slowly prepare your ex for the emotional stuff.
The way you do that is by starting off very slowly and then casually upping the intensity of the type of messages that you send.
Here is where things get interesting though. Priming isn't always going to go exactly like you planned.
The other day I happened to stumble across a picture that is meant to be funny (but I actually found it to be true.) It is on how people view success.
I thought that this graphic was the perfect way to describe priming. You see, priming will require a lot of adjustments on your part and those adjustments are going to be based on how your ex reacts to the "priming" messages that you send.
For example, if you send your ex a message and he reacts positively to it then that tells you that you can advance the "prime." However, if you send a message and he reacts very neutrally or negatively to it then that tells you that you have to make an adjustment to get him over his initial push back.
Lets move on to what you really want. The type of priming messages that you send.
(Disclaimer: Remember, the idea is to start off slowly and innocently and then up the intensity.)
The Meme Text Message
I love memes.
Don't you love memes?
A meme text message is perfect to start off your priming because it isn't meant to be serious at all. It's sort of has that "hey, look what I found isn't it funny?" mindset.
This type of a text message was something that I came up with after a friend of mine continually sent me memes. Seriously, just out of the blue she would send me memes and I actually loved them. The key to sending a successful meme message has to be the fact that the meme has to be funny.
I handpicked these because they always make me laugh.
Admit it you laughed 😉 .
We needed a good Chuck Norris joke meme!
Apparently these two were too cool for shcool… crap.
Telling A Story Text Message
(For more text messages like this check out The Texting Bible)
There is a lot to balance when it comes to the initial stages of priming isn't there?
You have to remain interesting while at the same time being very casual. The problem is that casual things aren't very interesting.
Well, one thing I have found is that everyone finds stories interesting. So, why not tell one to your ex? Your story doesn't have to be too controversial. While it will have to be interesting it doesn't have to be anything special. Would you like to know a story that I would tell if I was sending this text message out?
I think I would tell a story about the time I accidentally walked into the women's bathroom and didn't notice.
Seriously, all I thought to myself was "why aren't there any urinals in this bathroom?"
But wait… the story gets better.
The moment of realization came that I was in the women's bathroom when I heard two women voices approaching and I quickly ran to hide in the stall until they went away. The problem was that by the time they were done two more women came in and eventually the bathroom go so crowded there were women waiting on the stall that I was in.
I had no choice but to open the stall door, reveal that I was in the wrong bathroom and then of course I ran for my life!
Do you see how that story was both intriguing and funny (all of it true by the way.) These are the types of stories that keep a persons interest.
Remembering The Good Times
(Again, check out The Texting Bible for more example texts.)
This is a really important test when it comes to priming.
You see, prior to this point every single text message that you sent was relatively safe. This is the first time that you are going to be sending a text message about you and your ex. The point of this is to test and see how your ex responds.
Basically what you do is think back and pick out a really nice (safe) memory that the two of you had and "remember" it in text form. You don't have to be too detailed. Just saying something general like I did in the message above with the boardwalk is enough.
If your ex boyfriend responds pretty positively to that then you can advance to the next section. If he doesn't then you have to build some rapport before you can move on.
Getting Emotional With Your Ex Boyfriend
If you have properly primed your ex boyfriend then you can move on to the emotional messages.
Now, the thing you have to remember when you text your ex boyfriend is that your main goal is to use the attraction you build with him to get him on the phone with you. Emotional messages are a good way to do that. The thing that you have to understand about emotional messages when you are dealing with your ex is that they can't bring up negative memories.
This is your ex boyfriend we are talking about here so there is no doubt that he is going to have some negative memories. I want you to cut right through them and remember some of your fondest memories together. The idea here is to get him to associate the good feelings he gets when he thinks back to those memories with you.
Lets go over a few emotional text messages you can use to your advantage.
I Miss You Text Message
Anyone can say "I miss you."
I want you to go deeper than that. I want you to give specifics. What specifically do you miss about your ex boyfriend?
Communicate it to him. Tell him what you miss most about him. Men are very territorial and even though you are still his ex there is a part of him that considers you "his." Well, feed that ego of his for a bit. Make him feel good. Make him feel wanted.
Trust me when I say that it feels really good to be wanted.
Emotional Memory Text
This text has to have an emotional significance for both you and your ex.
A first kiss is perfect for this type of thing. Every couple remembers their first kiss together. I want you to use an emotional memory like that to your advantage. I want your ex to put himself back in time where he was when this emotional memory occurred.
I want him to know that you are thinking of him that way and I want him to feel good about it.
Talking On The Phone & Going On A Date
I know it has been a long time but I want you to scroll up and look at that "game plan" again. What were the last two steps of the game plan to get your ex boyfriend back?
- Talking On The Phone
- Going On A Date
Well, in this section I am combining the two. If you weren't already aware I have created two guides on each of these topics. You can check them out below.
- How To Make Your Ex Call You – A guide that will teach you what you need to do to make an ex call you or pick up the phone.
- What To Do On A Date With Your Ex – I created this guide to teach women what they should do on a date with their ex.
So, if you want more "in-depth" information on what to do or say on the date or phone I recommend investing some time and reading those two guides. Of course, there are a few things I want to discuss with you on how both of these subjects relates to my overall philosophy on getting an ex boyfriend back.
Transitioning From Text Messages To The Phone
Ideally, what you want to have happen is that you build up so much attraction from the text messages that your ex just calls you.
This is the mindset that probably 90% of women who read this website have. Unfortunately, the thing that these women don't take into account is that transitioning from text messages to talking on the phone is a pretty big deal for us guys too.
Seriously, I hate calling first because I never know if the girl is going to be busy or if she will just blow me off. I am like 100% of guys out there in that I am scared to death of rejection and I do feel rejected every time I put my neck on the line to call a girl and she doesn't pick up. Even though I know logically that she may be busy and get back to me later the emotion of initial rejection always kind of hurts.
It is that fear of rejection that prevents me from calling.
The sexiest woman in the world is one who has the guts to cut through all this nonsense and call herself.
I don't have a problem with a woman initiating a call at all. Most "experts" out there do but the truth is that I don't as long as it is done a certain way. I am not a fan of calling out of the blue. I am a fan of giving someone a warning before you call that way they can prepare themselves.
Here is one of the most clever ways to transition from a text message to a phone call.
This is essentially baiting a guy to talk to you. In other words, if you have compelling information to share (like an interesting story) your ex is going to naturally be curious and you can use that curiosity to get on the phone with him.
Now, what do you do when you get on the phone with him?
I cover how you can do that in my Secrets of Attracting Men book.
Getting A Date
If you have built up enough attraction through text messages and phone calls then you should be able to get a date relatively easily.
Now, the question you are probably wondering is what do you do on this date? Well, going on a date is a pretty big deal because this is where a big opportunity to get your ex back can occur. Unfortunately, I have reached my limit on typing as this guide is already close to 10,000 words.
What I would recommend to you is read my guide on going on a date. There all your questions will be answered.
That's it for me. I hope you enjoyed my guide on getting an ex boyfriend back. If you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments section.
"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"
With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I've seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I've compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!
What Do You Think? (927)
Hey Chris! Me and my ex boyfriend got separated for almost 2 months. At first we decided to be strangers again but we know that it was due to our emotions because.of the break up. The cause of our break up was my depression. I was struggling my depression for almost 4 years and miracurously survived it. It was all a down hill moment when we were still together. We always fight and I also gaved him a physical and emotional abuse because it was really hard for me because I was too fighting for it. He left me saying "Let's work first." Which he means,we'll be focusing on our work and ourselves first. I fought my depression for four straight days and survived it for 5 days straight. I posted a photo on my IG how happy I'am and how I survived depression. Then I checked on his Twitter he twitted something like, "I felt so light. Thank you Lord!". He tweeted it on the day I posted on my IG. Then after a few weeks,due to my emotions I suddenly chatted him (I unfriended him on FB) saying harsh words like, " I'm afraid to a person like you", "I'm defending myself to a person like you." and I slapped him his faults on me. I also insisted to blocked me on his accounts. I got so shocked and Inwas trully hurt that he really did it. He blocked me on IG and FB but NOT on Twitter. What does it mean he didn't blocked me on Twitter? Was he still hoping orrr? Anyways,I'm now doing the No Contact Rule just to have a self-focus and respecting his space too. Thank you so much. I'll be waiting for your reply. 🙂
Chris mentioned sending a "classy" non-apology text prior to going NC if you ended on a negative note with the exe. My exe and I ended on a pretty negative note (argument and his other exe contacting me because he's considering dating her again), but I didn't send the "classy" text prior to going NC. Should I still proceed with the interesting text approach or should I start with a classy non-apology type text now that I'm done with NC? I have a feeling he's still angry/upset because he just unfollowed me. Though, I suspect she told him to unfollow me. I'm just concerned that if I don't address the stuff that angered him, it'll seem weird that I'm sending this "interesting" text without apologizing or something. To clarify, he was actually dishonest with me about talking to his exe, etc. I didn't react very well to this news and responded to his other exe when she contacted me by saying that he's a liar and that she just seems insecure by contacting me. I didn't cheat on him or anything like that. On some level, I believe he owes me an apology, but I understand the need to prime for that. Thanks.
But what does that look like? "I regret what happened and wish you happiness. You'll never believe what I just saw…" it seems odd to combine the two. And Chris has said it's not a good idea to mention the negative stuff initially…
My boyfriend and I started as friends last summer. There was always a lot of flirtation between us, but we were both very serious about finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with. He isn't a player at all- he's only had two girlfriends, and he's only been intimate with two women (girlfriends). He's very loyal and I've never had any reason to question that loyalty. We started dating on New Years and it all started out great but there was always this weird element to our relationship- we wouldn't talk everyday, and because we started as friends, we were ALWAYS double dating. We hardly ever did things one on one. We spent every weekend together at his house though, and I'd go home on Sunday night or Monday morning for work. I shared with him that I wish we'd spend more time together during the week, and most weeks we just wouldn't have time. We got into a big fight at the beginning of the month, and he said he didn't feel like trying anymore, he didn't see himself falling in love with me, and he thinks it's best we break up. Then a few hours later he said he didn't want to do anything rash like break up, he just needed time to think. I told him to take as long as he needed, and I didn't contact him. Two days later he contacted me and said he was so sorry, he still wants to date, and that he definitely sees himself falling in love with me. We had a great weekend, but we didn't really discuss the incident. This past weekend, I was at his house and I said could you tell me how you're feeling, I am still feeling uncomfortable with what happened. He wouldn't open up, so I dragged it out of him and he finally said that he feels the same way, he doesn't see things getting better and he doesn't want to try. He broke up with me that night and it was very late at night, so he told me to stay over and we'll talk more in the morning. We didn't do anything intimate that night. The next morning he said he still feels the same way and sees a breakup as the only option, and that we're better as friends. I was a bit upset and didn't cry but I was pretty mad. I walked out of his house and he didn't come after me. He said he didn't realize he felt this way until he was "forced to think about it" when I dragged it out of him. The next day was my birthday, which we had plans for… he sent me a text saying "I'm so sorry for how everything ended up. I really hope we can be cordial and friends like before. I want to wish you a happy birthday!" And I didn't respond that day. The next day I read this article and saw that I should be ending things on a positive note before entering NC. So I responded and said "I appreciate the birthday wishes and I look back at our relationship fondly and hold nothing against you. I too want the same things and know everything will be fine eventually. I appreciate the text." He responded and said "Awesome, I appreciate it too. I feel the same". I never responded to this and entered NC right away. All of his siblings and aunts and even his mom has reached out to me saying how confused they are, how this isn't like him, and how they hope this works out. I know he is very private about his feelings so I have been very short with all of them, just saying what's meant to happen will happen. My questions is whether or not we even stand a chance at getting back together? Because we were friends first, we share the same friend group. All of my friends are his friends. But I plan on doing NC for at least 3 weeks, preferably 30 days if I can help it. Could you please help me with the best way to go about getting him back?
My ex and I ended on a negative note. His ex-gf to whom he was considering returning when he broke up with me contacted me with insults, etc. I responded to her highlighting that her attack only reinforces her insecurity, etc. This and our last phone argument pissed my exe off. I noted that Chris changed the approach in this article and said that one should send a classy text prior to NC in order to alleviate negativity. What should I do if I didn't do that classy text but went right into NC? Now that NC is over, do I send that classy apologetic text or do I just launch into the interesting text approach? I'm concerned that he may still be very upset with me, and he's probably dating this other woman.
Not sure if I'll get a response quick enough, but here goes.
I successfully completed a 30 day no contact, and an hour ago sent "I have a confession..";
He responded with "what"; but now I'm not sure he's even home, he might be at a new job or something he got during no contact that I don't know about. Do I continue to send the memory text on schedule or do I wait until I know he's alone?
Hello i need help I'm 17 and my boyfriend (ex) broke up with me about a week ago during a 3 YR relationship. He said he is tired of all the arguments and him thinking about what I'm doing behind him when I don't text him. Also he mentioned that I shut him out lately and then he brings out that he might fail high-school this year and wants to focus on his education. he is so confusing I don't know what he means. he also blocked me on every social media except kik and I think thru my number. I've begged him back (which is probably a bad idea) and he threatens me to block me on my number and I don't know how to handle that. what do you recommend?
I really wana talk personally and I don't know whether you will respond to my mail or not because you are busy. Nevertheless, my ex and I were in a relationship for 3 years and we've had our up's and downs like any other couple. But one fine day he's like he isn't into me any more and apparently he doesn't have a job so he's told me things like love is overrated and he has become more career oriented. That same old shit that it's not you it's me. You deserve better and the same old clichéd lines. He's advising me to get over him and he has blocked me from WhatsApp, Snapchat and Facebook. It's only instagram that he follows me on and he's told me that he stalks me not in a romantic way but to know what's going on in my life. He's been very rude all the time that I begged him back. He has asked me to sink in the fact that it's over and he's let go of me and everything . He says he loves me but as a friend. That hurts because he just broke up all of a sudden and I am in love with him. He always pushes me away now. every time i text him he doesn't reply until he wants to for some of my texts. he was this person who loved me immensely and he had thoughts of settling down and now all this. we were in long distance for 6months and now he says he will only meet when I get over him. he broke up via text. I am hurt. My parents in about him and they like him too. I can't seem to let it go. Please help me out. I seriously need your help. It's just yesterday I stopped talking to him. I want him back. And he is not dating anyone I've come to know from his friends.
I wanted to mention that during our texts/calls, he continuously encouraged me to move back, even during our last conversation. I feel like this is mixed signals.
My ex is replying, he even sent sexy text 3 days ago, but I don't know if I am texting too much too soon in his situation. I bought the exboyfriend recovery and I find 12 days is very fast for him…he is finalizing divorce, and this is why we stopped seeing eachother.
BUt I feel we should be together…after. I don't want to ruin it.
My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. Two weeks ago he broke up with me via text while he was having a bad day. He said it wasn't me, that I'd been great, and that it's just him wanting some space and time to figure out his life. We agreed that we'd talk about things in person. I let him cool down for a couple days bc I was also preoccupied as I am a professional acrobat, and I had to go out of town that coming weekend (so last weekend) for performances. So a couple days later, I texted him that it would be helpful if we were still together til we're able to talk about things in person, especially with my performances coming up, and that I could really use his support. He sent me, "I can do that for ya!" which seemed like a good sign. After not talking to him for a few more days, he initiated texting me during the start of my performance weekend. He also wished me luck before my shows. I sent him a picture of me in my costume, and he said, "you look different, it looks good! Crush it!" (crush the performance, he means). While I was on my way home, he asked me how my family liked the show, and I said they loved it and I wish he could've been there to see it too (he couldn't come because of work). He said that the weather was bad and he was glad for that reason. That also seemed like a good sign to me bc he wasn't really saying he's glad he didn't come, it was more because the weather was bad, which was true (it would have been a 3-hour drive). We also joked around a little during the trip. Finally, I texted him yesterday with good news that I had passed a certification I've been working on for a while, and he was really excited for me.
So I guess I'm wondering whether I should do no contact now or not? I guess we're still technically together since we haven't gotten to talk in person yet (and won't get to until next week at the earliest). However, I also really do want to have that talk with him since I have no idea what inspired the breakup or what he's thinking or feeling, and then maybe doing no contact after that. What do you think?
My ex bf is the type of guy to not let anything bother him he's a brick wall is doing the NC the right thing to do still? I have this feeling that he's gonna be OK not hearing from me and thinks I moved on even when we were together and he started to lose interest in me I would not reply to his messages for hrs and he would be OK with that compared to when we first starting going out if I didn't answer after 3 message he starts to call me but now that he lost interest how will NC work for me I'm dying to know and get any help that I can to get my ex back
Me and my ex were together for 2 years. There have been a few times where we've taken breaks, the longest break was after he cheated on me about a year and a half ago and I needed time to think about if I should be with him anymore or not. We were fully expecting on getting married soon, he even recently talked about a ring. Then 5 days ago, out of the blue, he texts me that he "can't do this anymore" and he said he was sad to say it, he loved me, but he was no longer in love with me. That was hard to hear but after a long conversation, we ended things. I found this website and began the no contact rule. I'm fully committed to working on myself right now, but I know what I want. I want to be with him. On this site, I don't see a lot of people in the situation where their ex straight up says they're not in love anymore. There's still a chance right? Just to point out some extra details, he says he likes another girl right now, but to my knowledge it isn't serious. he was very nice and cordial about the breakup. He is going through depression, and I have a feeling that might effect the way he views me and his love for me. Me and him rarely fought, and he used the "it's me not you" excuse when I asked if I did anything wrong.
I'm in a pretty difficult situation. My boyfriend broke up wth me four days ago because he said he's tired of me and doesn't want to be anymore. I just started the NC method and I really want to know if you guys think that even if my boyfriend is tired of me and doesn't want to be with me right now it will work…
Also, we were texting even though it was awkward because we still have feelings for each other and I can't stand texting him like a friend… and I chose a moment to text him that I appreciate the time we shared and that I have nothing against him, he texted me back saying that he doesn't have anything against me either but that it's still awkward and since I didn't text him back he's asking me if I'm mad because he said this whole situation is awkward, should I reply him?
Hi! So I'm in a bit of a complicated situation. See, my ex and I have a baby on the way. He's expected in less than 2 months. So while I really want to carry out NC, it's a bit complicated bc he insists on bringing me to all my doctors appointments. I tried to start NC today but he frantically called me and then texted me about 7 times in a row saying he was worried and because I am carrying his baby I needed to let him know I was okay. So I texted back to let him know I was safe but since then haven't replied to any of his texts. We broke up about 2 weeks ago and both drs appointments he brought me to he was super touchy feely and flirty and insisted on buying me food. But when I brought up us getting back together (last night, which is why I decided to try NC) he told me we just don't work and will only have problems. He just texted me saying he was begging me to stop ignoring me. I'm really at a loss as to what to do because I do feel he has the right to know that I am okay since I am carrying his child, but I want this to work. Should I continue to ignore him except when it comes to the baby?
confused young lady
Hoping you can shed some light on this one for me..
My ex broke up with me about 10 weeks ago. We had been together nearly 3 years, last summer he bought the stone for an engagement ring for me and everything was hunky dory. We moved in together last October and things were better than ever for a while. Then in February I got a new job which was a major career advance for me and unfortunately meant I had an extra 3 hours traveling every day, but now I had my weekends back to spend with him. I admit that the first few weeks of my new job were rocky, it was new and I was stressed but he wasn't giving me the support I needed and consequently I pulled back and started to withdraw, hoping that he would reach out to me. That didn't happen, he decided to join the army reserves and he pulled away too.
One day I came home from work and he just said "I've been thinking, we should break up". He told me he loved me still, but he didn't want to settle down (even though hes the one that brought up marriage and children the year before). He said we both have demanding jobs and hobbies and that I wasn't happy. Then told me I was always happier in my old job.
I accepted it, but it hurt. So for the next week I just carried on, we talked a bit and every night when I came home from work he asked if I was OK so I gave him minimal response when I could. Then a week later we had a massive fight stemming from his resistance to returning my savings to me that we had kept in his saving account. I spent the weekend at my parents and returned to the house during the week to get to work. Then he went on training for two weeks so I started my no contact officially then and I moved out while he was gone, something I don't believe he thought I would do.
I did 40 days! Was so proud of myself! Got a haircut, lost a stone and got really into my hobby sport then went on holiday with some friends from uni. Then I text him to ask to see him to sort the house out as I need my name to be removed from the contract. He said yes he was going to text but didn't want to disturb my holiday.
I went round and he was trying to be really chatty, bragging about his new job and how well everything was going. I wasn't interested and was really cold back to him, he asked whats wrong and I said I just wanted to sort out the house and splitting the stuff up and go. A week on (two weeks ago) I stopped by to get some meter readings and collect my mail, so that I could look at terminating the energy bills still in my name. He kicked off and claimed that I had an "agenda" and that someone had told me to cut it off because I wanted to sort things out, even though the week before he had agreed to changing the bills over. We had a little argument during which he said that he really wanted to call and ask to go for a drink when he got back from his two week training camp. I asked why and he said cos he still wanted to be friends. I was abrupt with him and told him no, I can't be friends with him because we were together too long; I said it was all or nothing and he made his choice. After that he went quiet and stared at the wall as we stood in silence, then I asked him to take my car off a toll charge account and to text me when he had done it and then left.
He never text me so I text him asking if it had been done and he said it had, then text him about the house and sorting that out a bit, being totally friendly, I didn't text back to his last one with a question in it.
Then today I lost my cool a bit and asked if he meant it when he said he wanted to call after training camp was done, he said he would rather not talk about it as he didn't want to cause problems. I asked if he was lying then and he said "Really? lets not do this" so I tried to style it out by saying I was just gonna ask if he still wanted to go out for a drink, and that its cool if hes not ready, I'd catch him later. (He still has some of my furniture in the house as I have nowhere for it at the moment so I will have to see him again). I wasn't surprised by him not replying.
Looking back now, have I missed the opportunity I had by telling him I wanted nothing to do with him and being cold when he was trying to show off? I'm so confused and all I want is my best friend back.
Please help, what should I do next?
hi awesome team
my wx and i broke up a couple days ago, we dated for 2 years and 2 months, very serious about it, im 24 and hes 27 now, he broke up with me because he cheated on me, i let it him go but then i kept on coming back onto him, until finally he stated that he's more into the young girl (shes only 18) right now and that i should move on to, but this was when we were so stressed at work and we kept arguing about small things, normally we just fix it and go back to being normal lovey dovey couple, but then this girl came crushing into his life, our lives, keeps teeling me to move on, how can i move on when i know that he was just tempted because of their regular texts (the honeymoon phase as you call it) i love him very much and he loved me too, what we had realist thing ever, but he was tempted because we were just having some difficulties at that time. last night was our final conversation, he said that im the best thing that has ever happend to him thats why he'll always be my side whatever happens and i to him too, but that means im friendzoned right? so today i'll start the NC i know that he wont text because hes not that kind of guy and hes a new girl, but can i still make this work? because i know that he still cares for me and loves me. hes just blinded right now
please help
thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi f,
is he immature and probably in the same mindset or psychological age as the other girl? I think you should read this too: The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
i read the grass is greener thank you for that.
im pretty sure i've already set the standards high, 1 because he already treated me like a wife, he was proud of me being independent and all, and his new girl is everything he didnt want on me, he said that i was more cheerful and stuff like that. im now implementing my NC rule, and hes the stubborn guy i suppose, im still worrying tho, that he'll forget about me, even though he said that i was the best he ever met and wont forget about me. hes got a new girl and like everybody else, im scared of losing him,,
in my NC rule do i make 30 days of NC or 45 days?
he's not immature,he actually taught me how to be mature at our relationship.
and also could this work even if hes still dating that girl he cheated on me? the last time we met was very emotional for the both of us and im sensing that he's just playing around right now and still wants to get back with me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
hmmm.. that's kind of contradicting.. because if he's matured than you and he taught you how to be matured you, then he wouldn't be doing this things..
if he views you as independent woman that's good but something's not adding up..if you're better than the other girl in his eyes, then that means the only advantage of the other girl is her age..
which means he's either sexually more attracted to her or he sees her as someone that he has less pressure being with…try 30 days first..
yes, maybe he thought that being with her lessens his pressures, thanks amor! i'll do my best to not the break the NC
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago explaining a gut feeling that something was off, but that he didn't know where it came from. He took a few weeks to try to process through it, but decided to just trust his gut. We never had any problems before this and were very good at communicating when any small conflicts arose. As we share the same friend group and our final year of school was wrapping up, we saw each other often. I intentionally took two weeks directly after the breakup to avoid him, but then I wanted to hang out with our friends, as did he. I was finally able to implement 30 days no contact once we left school and then texted him. His response came quickly and positively. I am not sure if I am psyching myself out, but how do I know whether this is him being excited to talk to me because he missed me or just because he likes our friendship? I don't want to only pursue his friendship, but he is my best friend and I do miss that part of us as well. I just don't know what to look for to recognize if he truly wants something more. Is it too soon in the process to determine? Thanks so much for your help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Lane,
yes it's too soon.. you have to build rapport and attraction first
So after a few days of good conversation, how am I supposed to be able to tell if he is friend zoning me? I have already read the post Chris wrote on this, but am having a hard time figuring out if that is happening to me. Do I have to send more emotional texts and see how he responds to that? Will that scare him off?
EBR Team Member: Amor
yes, that will scare him off.. if he's not being flirty with you and he's just nice even if you tried initiating being flirty
I've been reading a bunch of articles on this website and I've started the NC rule. However, as a background my boyfriend and I were dating for a year and 2 months… We were so in love, he would do anything for me whenever. He would drop everything. During the past few months of the relationship he started law school. Towards the end we were fighting, not communicating very well to each other but he still stood by my side and told me he loved me… But there was a bad fight one night and he told me he needed a break. I didn't know how to handle it, became a "gnat" so to speak.. A week and a half later I left for the summer to go back to my home state, but he came over the day before spent the night and drove me to the airport the next day. When he was at my place he said we were "just fine" but he was acting distant and said he would need time to get back to how we were. My mind was still so emotional, and the next few days when I was home I couldn't handle the legitimate distance and the distance through his texts text and I started another kind of argument where I said I'd give him what he wants, time & space, if that meant it would work out.. And he said ok. He was still snap chatting me, taggin me on Facebook but I didn't respond. A week and a half later something traumatic happened in my life, and I couldn't help but contact him. He knew about what happened and didn't contact me first, and I was already in such a high stressful state that we started another argument and it escalated over text. The next thing I know I'm texting him asking what we are, he's not responding, ignoring all my calls and texts.. I freak out and for the next couple days I call him all the time. (I know I realized when I read all these articles after the fact that i was completely wrong). He then blocks me on all social media, and blocks my phone number. I sent him a last email apologizing for everything and the way it happened, but that I did know we still had love for each other, and I wouldn't contact him anymore- but I did want to see him when I got back from my home state when the summer ended (in late August). I know he read the email I sent but he didn't respond. It has been a little over 2 weeks now since he blocked me. He's also taking classes now throughout the summer so I know he's still super stressed and has finals right around the time I get back to the state where we both live, in late August. The first week of August will be about 50 days if not a little more since I initiated NC. Is it a good idea to try to contact him, seeing as it is the week and a half before his finals (assuming I'm still blocked) ? I was going to send a simple sweet message wishing him good luck but I'm not sure if I should wait til classes are over but that would be around 2 1/2 months of no contact.. I'm not sure if a simple message Would be viewed in a negative way by him however b/c I don't want to stress him out or annoy him before finals, if he said he wanted space from before he even blocked me. I don't know what to do. I realize that in the end the situation is out of my hands, but I've had a lot of time to think about the things I did wrong and I really do realize where I went wrong… I want to work on myself and make myself happy in the time being but I'm trying to figure out my next move bc I can't stop thinking about it, it's driving me crazy. I love him so much. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
HI Alexa,
if you're still blocked at that time, and it's his finals, don't text him.. That's not a good time.
So I should wait until after his semester/ his finals are over to contact him? Even though it would be about 2 1/2 months of no contact ??
Because in the articles on here it says that the ex girlfriend should contact the boyfriend after no contact rule even if he doesn't contact her.. so how am I supposed to know when to do it if my NC ends ? Assuming I'm still blocked which I think I will be because my ex is so stubborn and dealing with the stresses of school
EBR Team Member: Amor
it's not a hard rule.. if it doesn't seem to be a good time to contact him right after 30 days nc.. the of course don't do it.. especially if you're still blocked.
Ok! Thank you I'll be sure to keep that in mind. I realize that this is a long process and I just don't know what to do, because right after his finals, so basically, a week and a half later, he starts a new semester… Is it appropriate for the first contact after long distance breakup to ask to meet in person? I just don't want to miss the window of opportunity when I know he'll be free, and able to do things without thinking about school.
EBR Team Member: Amor
the first message is askinf for a meet up? nope..
Hello, boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me two months ago, supposedly on 'good terms' he said, we didn't fight or yell, and had our last 'closure' talk on the phone few weeks after the break up. Even then, he told me he doesn't hate me, and that he knew I was a great girlfriend, but told me not to find him. After that, I successfully completed my 30 day no contact, yesterday was the day when I contacted him again on text after no contact. It wasn't a boring pointless text, it was simple and fun reminder text about a new movie (sequel) that is coming out because watching the trailer reminded me of him as we both loved the first movie. Anyways, a whole day now, no response. I understand No Contact is crucial, and text messages are important to build attraction, but I'm now stuck in between, because I'm not getting a response. What to do now…
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi T,
sorry for the late reply.. you said he is a Gigs case? how did you know? was there another woman? and why did he say not to find him? why, where did he go? During the 30 days, did you start to improve yourself and were active in social media?
my boyfriend and I are in compliated situation right now,we kinda brokeup few weeks ago (we dated for 3 years and know eachother for 4 year),and everything were still good and emotional between us even when we brokeup,I went for breakup first becouse of a matter,he was upset but he did it and even a day later he checked on me in the middle of night,we talked to each other after that few emotional conversation we did,then l suggest that we go to therapy and take another chance but he was messedup and worried an scared that it what will happen if it doesn't work again in future he accept anyway,and he also said he is kinda tired,i didnt contact him because he ask to take some time(to be honest i got emotional and said i cant live without him and i will miss him in last long contact but then i ut the connetion suddenly) but then he contact me himself and said i was worried about u,and the day after that he madeup an excuse to text me,after that i told him about the therapist i found which he asked me to do,when i did he said he will tell when is suitable for him to come,but he didn't,i took the session,and i told him he said he will go two weeks later,but then i read this site and i kinda think that he is sure about me and my feelings,and he is playing cat and mouse and making me chase for him,i've just started to use tactics from here,but i need more advice,i think he expect me to ask him for the therapy and the result next week,whether he took or not,and bye the way i think i kinda am the unggettable girl becouse of what people say about me,at the first of relationship i was good at it but lately it seems i lost it,how can i take the power back in this situation? thanks a lot
oh and there is one other thing u see there were few contacts in 3 o 4 weeks ago between us for the therapy thing,last time we had contact was last monday which i contact him to tell about therapy,do i have to do NC rule for 30 days since last monday?(which i did until now),thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Kimia,
sorry for the late reply. I have to make some things clear because I'm not sure I understand. He broke up with you but you suggested to go to therapy? Have you started going to therapy but you started no contact?
And I"m sorry, for now, credit card is the only option for payment.
no problem and thank u for respondig,
oh no in first place I broke up with him,but after(2days later) that we talked and i suggested to go therapy to work things out and make sure if we really can't go on or if we can fix things and he said he is worried about future of our relationship and plus that he is tired of being commited to long relationship,he first accepted to go to therapy he also did some mixed behaviors and sent mixed signals(which i explained all of them above),we didn't have contact until I took therapy on my own,and told him about it and he made promiss to go(this contact was about 13 days ago) he has to go today or tomorrow according to his words,and I started the no contact 13 days ago after I told him i went to the therapy.i'm cconfused,he acts like he loves me and cares about me but also there is no contact from him,i dont know what to do 🙁 i explained all of he's behaviors below different articles hope u consider them to,i'm trying to be UG,working on myself,hanging out with friends,post pitcures about it on my instagram,trying to move on without moving on according to chris 🙂 but I'm still confused that is there any hope?what should i do?,and let me be open we never had sex,but we made love witheachother,he always had fantasy about having sex,and i was good at attracting him with sex appeal.i hope that i've made my point, i need your Advice 🙂
thanks a lot
EBR Team Member: Amor
you made love by other forms of sex? You mean, sorry for the language, no intercourse? Do you think that's a factor that he doesn't want to be in a relationship now? that he got frustrated? For now, stick no contact
yes you are right, no intercourse,actually i'm considering it as a chance that he may be still attracted to me because he really wanted to experience it with me and used to tell me how sexy I am,and maybe i can use it as a bait?? :))) i'm not sure,tanx a lot i'll do NC for now
EBR Team Member: Amor
You can do that later on. You can use it as bait after nc when you've built enough rapport
Hi there, my ex and I have been talking on and off. He's been sending mixed messages and I had enough so I contacted him telling him we needed to meet up to exchange stuff. He told me during this talk that I could say whatever I wanted about how things could be different but his mind was made up and it wasn't going to change. He's supposed to text me tonight for us to talk a bit more about meeting up to exchange things. I told him I needed my stuff but I really don't- I just wanted to get the pain over with.
Should I go no contact on him and not respond or would that just be rude?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Mary,
nope, answer him, that would be rude.. it's vetter if you do it after you meet
I and my boyfriend were together only for 3 months and he broke up with me saying I am too much of drama and he can't handle it. I tried to talk to him by sending text messages and when I made continuous calls in facebook, he blocked me. I am sure I annoyed him a lot by texting him continuously, but our initial one month was really going good. I have stopped talking to him and it has been a week now. Since our relation was only for three months, will this NC rule work in this situation? It looks like he has taken a decision to not be with me as his last text to me was 'Do not bother me again'.
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi As,
we can't guarantee that it will but it's the only better step you can do.. focus on yourself during this month.. if he said you are too much drama, that means you're clingy.. so work on having your own life apart from him..
I am following the NC rule. Is it a good idea to contact him after a month?
EBR Team Member: Amor
it's ok to initiate after nc, just make sure you've made the most of nc to establish that you've moved on and improved and work on the topics he likes best as first contact message.. refer to this blog posts for your texting steps.
Thanks for the reply. I am working on myself as of now. Made some new friends and also focusing on things that make my life better. He has blocked me in FB and hence I have no way to show him what am I up to. Is it necessary for him to see that I have moved on? We don't have any mutual friends as well. Can I send him an email after the NC period to show how things are different with me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
continue to post because he might checking it through a different account.. yes, it's very important because in that way, he would think you're not chasing him and just moved on and being friendly.. don't send him that email.. it's like you're telling it to him to make him believe you've changed but by sending that email just shows you're just trying to convince.. just do it.. be active, try to to be independent and grow, your actions will show that you are moving on.. don't caption your posts, that you're doing it to move on or anything that relates to him.
I am sure he is not checking through a different account. Because, he doesn't just give a damn to whether I exist or not. And he doesn't have any mutual friends through whom he cant get my information. He is just busy with his life, and as far as I know him he is like that in general. I just feel that I don't have any option to show him how happy I am with my life, though I want to initiate contact after a month. He is not bothered as well, as it was only for three months and he has had so many casual and serious affairs. It is me who wants him back, so I am just not sure, how to go ahead.
EBR Team Member: Amor
ok, let's say just basing on being human, if you go silent for a month, he'll wonder of course.. but in reality you are saying, he is actually totally over you and the relationship..
so, nc should really be focused more for you to have an emotional restart and to improve in all aspects before you try to reconnect with him again after it.. think of him as a person you don't know and that you're trying to get him interested in you but you have the advantage of knowing his interests already to do that.
My bf broke up because we weren't having regular sex. I know that seems like a no brainer, but I had health issues and he became really mean to me. I ended up sleeping on the sofa…he could not possibly expect for me to want sex when he wasn't being kind. He knew my situation and agreed to be patient, but he started looking elsewhere and began seeing someone else. I told him I would not put up with his cheating so we broke up. On top of that, he took advantage of my feelings for him. I enacted the NC rule to move on, not to get him back. I felt hurt and rejected. I had loved him and he just left me when I needed him the most. When I finally felt good about about my decision to move forward, he pops up asking if I would still help him with some paperwork. Initially I thought I would help him…but I changed my mind. He doesn't deserve my help. He doesn't deserve my presence in his life. When I told him I had moved on and did not wish to be his friend, I did not wish to remain in contact, he kept bringing up the past and what went wrong. I did not feel I had anything to lose. I did not want him back. He kept telling how much time he felt he had wasted with me. I told him I felt the same. He is currently seeing someone-it's only been 45+ days since our split and she is the person he left me for. I told him to get his new person to help him with the things I did for him. He presented himself as the victim and was angry with me. How could he be so angry? We are both responsible for what happened! He was angry and told me I did so many horrible things to him- Trying to make me feel guilty for deciding not to help him. I ended up telling him that we have both moved on and that he should be happy and move forward in life. We had several emails back and forth. He asked me out to lunch today and I said no-again he should be happy about his decision to leave. But now that this happened I realize that I miss the good times we had together, the common goals and values we shared, and the many times he "got me". I am lost now, because I want him back and don't know if it's remotely possible. Please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Lynn,
if you really wnat him back and you want a healthy relationship with him.. he has to admit his mistakes first.. it's like you but into his story that he's the victim
Hi Amor,
Boyfriend broke up about a month ago.
I am 30 he is 33 was a complete virgin when we started dating. I had my fair share of experiences.
We had already made plan buy a house by August starting family mid next year.
We were together 1 1/2 yr living together from the day we met more or less in his rather small apartment. It was hard at the beginning as it was his first everything but we dealt with it and we were happy. We had 1 fight this xmas as his mom made a major jaleousy scene on new years eve after that he became more reserved affected our life but after we incident we did not talk about it. Jist before my bday and a 3 week roadtrip woth friend he comes homes and tells it all. After the shock i moved to a hotel immediately imagining how much he must have hated me etc. But then I went home for 3 weeks with my parents to recover do sports spend time with them. I went to pick up my stuff at his after 3 weeks just before he was going to that roadtrip that i obviously cancelled and we ended up spending the 3 days together. We knew we are not doing as if nothing happened but we were happy and we obviously missed eachother. He left wothout having talked about what this was. I am moving back to my flat as planned by the time he comes back. It is clear that if we want to get over this we have to start a sort of new relationship. But at this point i am not sure if he is ready for that. He was all sweet kissing a lot cuddling we laughed a lot and talked about everything ( but our breakup)Should i go with the plan – no contact etc reconnect etc ? Or should i just wait what he will do when he comes back and not move?thank you for the comments
EBR Team Member: Amor
HI Ritt,
sorry I didn't catch what the real reason of the break up was?
Hi Amor,
Thanks for the response. Well he just came out with that out of the blue that he was not happy, that the changes that he made are like pressure and that the whole plan we made about our future is not what he imagined.
Unfortunately he is not very good at expressing his feelings so that is all I got from him. No real reason but at the same time falling out of love (ref. it is not like at the beginning) is a pretty big reason.
Any thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
oh.. okay.. I think he's saying the he lost attraction with you.. maybe it got boring..it's better if you don't wait for him and proceed with the no contact rule process.
Hi Amor,
I am not sure what to do from here and whether I should just give up. I have followed the Ex Recovery pro and it has been great. The only place I deviated is that in my NC I didn't date because I wasn't ready, also I don't think this NC period had full effect because we needed to sort our house out after the month so he always new he was going to speak to me again. I built attraction and now we are almost 5 months on and he asked me out, we met up 4 times and was always great however he always mentioned how he misses about me maybe wants me back but isn't sure I would have him back. Heavy flirting every time we saw each other but no kissing. He was at mine and saying similar again and I think I have just got fed up of playing games and I feel like he is having me and using me emotionally like a girlfriend without me getting what I want in return, so I said that I enjoyed seeing him, it would be nice to keep seeing each other but admit we still like each other and it would be more than friendly. He freaked out, said he couldn't date me and was too unsure and scared. I said that is absolutely fine, I respect your decision, however you can't keep having me and using me, without me receiving what I want, I am not interested in being friends, I know my worth and if he doesn't want something more then we shouldn't see each other, he should contact me if he is ready. He asked if we could meet up in a month and I said not unless he is ready for something more than friends. Then I said it may be best if he left. He cried so much, it was heart breaking so obviously I cried a bit too. Said how he loved me and couldn't bare the thought of losing me, but was too scared that if we tried again he would hurt me.
He text me the moment he got home and for days and days without me replying saying that he can't bare losing me and he hopes he can sort himself out for me sooner rather than later. Eventually I replied because he was just sending me the same long essays but they were no closer to him having the space he said he needs or him deciding he wanted me back. I said 'I understand the importance of having a little alone time now and then. I don't want to smother you if you need distance. We should both give each other a little room to grow for now.' He responded with this ' I care about you so much and I just know you're far stronger and I'm proud of you for having your shit together, it's admirable. Thank you, I can't tell you how much better it is you saying that. I hope you understand that, if I didn't care so much about you and us, this decision would be easy. It's only because I care so much that I want to make sure I do the right thing. I did speak to Rosie yesterday (mutual friend), and speaking to someone does make it better. She's the only one I've spoken to because she gets it (been through similar break up recently). Right now my emotions are running riot in my head and it's all raw. Time and space right now I think will do us the world of good and make things clear. Because if I still feel like this after space and time, then I know what I need to do. I hope you know how much I care about you. I'm sorry I'm having such trouble, but I hope you understand. Don't think or worry about me. You be you. I'm proud of you. Take care'.
I have not spoken to him since then however he has been liking my instagram posts and his mum has contacted my mum twice saying that 'she is so upset we are having a full break and that he is a childish idiot that needs a kick up the arse.' I have been in NC again for a week and this time I am talking to other guys and planning dates, really moving on and showing him I am because our mutual friends are aware I am and are happy for me. Is this what I should be doing? Also should I reach out to him after a month NC or should I just leave it now and that be it, if he wants me he will make it happen?
Thank you for all your advice you have given me and I really hope you get back to me now, thank you so much in advance!
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Emily,
it's ok to date. Just don't post pics that will push him away.. I hope he realizes you're not going to wait forever and it's good that his mom likes you too.. So, just maintain what you are doing and if you want to reach out after nc.. that's ok too.. just set a limit this time until when you would wait because he will think in the long run that you're not true to your words if you stayed and he doesn't have to commit.
Hi Amor,
Okay, can I just clarify what pictures you think would push him away? I was planning on doing pictures with new guys I've met in a group photo and I have allowed one of the guys I am going on a date with to add me on facebook. Should I not make him jealous? Also our mutual friends that know I am going on dates are real gossips, so it is likely he will find out, I thought this would be beneficial? He knows I won't wait, I told him I know my worth and I can't keep waiting for him if he is unsure about me.
Thank you for your advice, please just let me know if I should be subtly making him jealous and allowing him to see other guys chasing me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Oh. Not anything that you're making out or too touchy in the pics.. just being out with them and him knowing you're out dating is okay.. 🙂
Hi Amor,
Thank you! Well no contact didn't last that long. I have quite a bad car accident this weekend and he found out, contacted me and insisted on picking me up, taking me home, taking care of me and anything I needed he wanted to do etc. He spoke lots about how he felt while he was at mine, he is just not ready for a relationship right now with anyone, however to him I am 'perfect' and exactly what he wants, he just can't right now and needs time on his own, however wants a future with me, he knows not being with me now is a massive risk that he may lose me forever, and genuinely worries that when he is on his death bed, losing me may be one of the things he regrets (so dramatic sometimes haha) but he just can't do it right now and doesn't want to hurt me. He knows I am dating and it really upsets but he still knows he can't be with me right now just because he doesn't want other to have me. So that is that, he is such a genuine person, I know him so well and I believe all these things are true. I am ready to really move on now, though I may continue to post things on facebook to get to him slightly haha. Thank you for all of your help, I have really thought the PRO was great, even though I haven't got my ex back, the methods I have used from the PRO definitely get all the responses you say they will, but you can't force someone to be with you if they are not ready. I think they will definitely work for other people's situations and have got me to a better place than I would have been and made me realize my own value. I will definitely be emailing you a recommendation!! Many Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
Thanks Emily.. I hope someday, the right time will come 🙂
Hi Amor,
So I did 30 days of no contact, been working on me, hitting the gym, etc. Right as NC ended, he was heading out for a big trip so I sent him a message saying I hoped his trip was great and to have fun. He messaged me back super quickly and I was thrilled! I hadn't expected him to respond! I waited a few days after his trip to message him again and… no response. It hurt a lot but I took it in stride. I waited 2 weeks as the book recommends and messaged again. Still no response. He messaged so quickly on the first one that it gave me hope and these last two messages have felt like the rug has been pulled out from under me. What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
it's tricky because the more you do nc, the less the effect but if you message again sooner, you would be a gnat.. so it's better to just do another nc.. contnue to be active and posting about it, list interesting topics for him..especially the ones that are more appropriately current like news, tv shows, current sport event.. you can try to inquire or suggest.
Hi Amor,
I'm having trouble identifying which path to take at this point. Am I being friend-zoned? Used? Or, maybe I'm on a solid path? More than anything, I don't want to be pathetic or clueless!
Break up was 8 months ago. We're both in our 30s, had dated almost 2 years, and had discussed marriage. At risk of sounding conceited, I have ungettable girl building blocks: I have a masters and advanced license, I help people for a living, I am active with a cool arts organization on the side (new since break up), I have friends who really love me, men stare at me when I go out, male friends explain that guys don't hit on me much because I'm intimidating, ex-boyfriends have a habit of resurfacing, and I'm thoughtful and romantic. Right now, self-doubt is what's getting in the way and it can be hard for me to focus on myself and not obsess about my ex situation. Overall, I've been doing a lot of personal work throughout our time apart, including therapy, and have let him know that I own my contributions to our issues and have been making changes. I truly feel awful about how my stuff negatively affected our relationship. I've done some sweet things for him in our time apart, including dropping off a care package while sick and trying to make amends for harsh things I had said by addressing them directly.
There has been various levels of communication since the break up.
– Initially, he was on the fence about getting back together and was initiating talks of the "what should we do" variety. We were both hesitant as there were a lot of individual issues that led to big arguments we each had to work out.
– At month 2-3, he was checking in on me every two weeks like clockwork and I was waiting for him to initiate contact each time. We spent time together maybe 3 times and had a great time. We made out once and I stopped us before it got to sex. He left me a Halloween card in my mailbox with candy taped to it. Then, he casually kissed me goodbye twice after that, but was still on his 2 week schedule. I asked him what was going on and he mentioned he felt ready to start dating other people. I lost it for about 3 days, then handed him a letter telling him that I had been prepared to go at his pace mending the relationship, but that I was not going to be his safe place while he got the confidence up to start dating other girls. I was loving, but very firm in the letter. I got no response. After 6 weeks, I made up an excuse to get some stuff I hadn't gotten back yet and we talked. It turns out he thought the letter was a firm goodbye and I was never going to speak to him again. He said he had been very angry. He did understand, though, once I explained why I had written it. He said his intention was not to use me.
– At month 5, I began initiating contact again. It was slow initially and then he seemed more into it. We texted and had a good phone call.
– At month 6, he agreed to help me out with rides for work for 3 days while my car was repaired and I took him out for dinner on the last day. We had a great time. Afterward, I told him that I still had feelings for him, but I don't really know what to do with them as I have no clue how he feels or if he's even dating anyone. I told him that I do not want to be "that ex-girlfriend who isn't getting it". He told me that he also enjoyed spending more time together in a friendly way, but doesn't want to get back together "at this time". He also told me that, while it's "none of my business", he is not dating anymore. Then he told me about a girl giving him her number and him throwing it away. He says he's focusing on saving money to buy a new house. We didn't talk for about 10 days. Then he left me a sweet and thoughtful birthday card with a funny note inside.
– The next month was unintentional NC with the exception of texting a thank you for the card. I was traveling for my birthday. Recently, I reached out again and we texted a bit. Then I invited him to hang out. When he came to my door to get me, the attraction was palpable, but then he played it cool. We went to a trampoline park and had a really great time. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. It may have been the best date we've ever had. When he dropped me off, he said "that was fun" and "talk to you later". I agreed that it was fun, kissed him on the cheek, and left without asking about any future plans.
So, now it's a week later and neither of us have reached out to the other. I don't know if I should give up, push forward, or try to just be upfront. I hate game playing! Also, I know that he's great at being stubborn and hiding his feelings, extremely sensitive and self-protective, and that if I try to make him jealous, it will backfire horribly. Think typical Scorpio.
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Celeste,
I think you're a great girl but it's been a long time and he knows you want him back.. if he really wanted to get back together, he should have, especially with all the effort you did for 8 months.. He's good, but you deserve a guy who's as courageous and as loving as you are..
Hello Amor!
So my ex has asked me out now and we are going tomorrow, however he has said just a casual coffee and catch up so it's light. Last night I sent a snapchat of the dinner I had made with my housemate (not to him, on my story) so my friend would see it, a girl, who had bailed on me, and I received a jealous message from my ex about it saying he was upset and it was mean of me to put that on if i was seeing someone, I explained the situation and he said that I am allowed to do whatever and he has no right to be angry but of course he cares and does want me to be happy. I reciprocated, then we had a lovely conversation after that.
I feel like all of this is very positive but I did not have to do a sex text to get him to ask me out, only girlfriend texts. My questions are, should I do a sex text to make my intentions clear? We have been talking for well over a month now so I think it would be safe. Also when would be best to do it, after the first date or after the second? (Got to be confident to get one!!)
Would really appreciate your advice, many thanks!
Hi Amor,
Would really love some advice from you! I went for my date tonight and it was not as I expected, I acted completely as I was meant to and stuck to everything. We went for coffee and there were sofas and stuff to be relaxed together, however he was strange. He was saying about it is nice us being friends, but saying how he has good days and bad days and doesn't like listening to music at the moment because all songs are about love and it sets him back. saying how the thought of me with someone else upsets him and keeps him awake. I asked if he needed space and he said he didn't want it. I did try to steer the conversation to positive stuff and how well I am doing but I think he wanted to talk. He does want to see me next week again though. However, when I text him saying I had a nice time and it was nice to see him, he replied saying it's great we can be friends and he's missed talking to me. I feel like he is scared and I am surprised he is still struggling so much when it's been 4 months now. What should i do from here? I have not really sent him an I miss you text or a sex text yet, should I progress to these?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Emily,
Sorry for the late reply. Just continue with the talk, try more flirty texts or try the tide theory. When your number of responses that day are the highest, rest texting the next day.
So I already made the mistake of basically begging my ex on and off with some responses from him for 3 weeks. I became a GNAT! Which was not the person I was during the relationship. He reached a point where he said that he no longer saw a future with me (I think because I became this dependent person he didn't like because I was very independent in the relationship).
The last few messages I sent before going into NC were some messages where I was saying how he left me in the dark and I wouldn't have texted him so much if he told me that he needed space too and I also made some messages that show my self-loathing.
But among those texts I also said, "I let my insecurities get the best of me and got lost in my anxieties and depression that stem from past memories of being rejected. I'm sorry, I was reflecting them on you and trying to control you… it wasn't right. I'm sorry, I ruined the image you had of me, but I hope you don't think this defines me. I would call to make this more authentic, but I'm scared you wouldn't answer." I should've ended it there, but instead I went on to say "I was sacred of losing you, but I guess I ended up losing you." Then "But okay, I've heard all you had to say and how you feel, so I'll honor your wishes. I also think it's best so things can cool down and hopefully get back to normal. I'm so f***ing sorry. I f***ing knew I was going to mess it up. But anyway, goodbye for now."
We had a previous conversation like this before when I was going to initiate NC, but my insecurities didn't let me and I asked him if we were cool and he said we were and understood that I needed time. I didn't get that reply from him until a day or two after that message I sent… but that was early on like two days after the break up before the image he had of me was sullied. I'm hoping he'll be able to see that I saw my mistakes and maybe be able to understand where I'm coming from.
Do you think those messages I sent before going into NC could have possibly caused him to go into a positive mindset or neutral mindset? Since I became a GNAT should I do 30 or 45 day NC?
Our relationship was really good and we both had this connection with each other where we felt we've been together longer than we have (the only reason it ended was timing and stress from outside things on his part). He constantly used to tell me how much he liked me and made me feel like a queen. I'm scared that I squandered the chance of being with "the one". I believe that that "love" and intense passion we felt for each other could overcome the negative assumption he has of me now over time, but I'm not sure.
During NC I plan on going to therapy to work out my problems with my insecurities and anxiety. I also plan on going out with friends and doing all the things I've been wanting to do for myself for awhile (piercing my ears and coloring and cutting my hair).
I regret cussing in the last text, but I just thought it'd make it sound more genuine. Ughhhh orz
EBR Team Member: Amor
I think you should do 45 days, and it's a good idea that you would go to therapy.. Definitely be proactive in nc and let go of your last text.. what's more important now is how you will make the no contact for you to heal and what to text after that
Thank you for the reassurance. 🙂 I'll keep ya'll posted. I'm actually excited to get back to myself and finally work out these anxiety issues I have. ^^
Hello Amor,
So he sent me a text this morning asking me to have a coffee and catch up with him tonight!! Unfortunately I am not free until Tuesday, Wednesday next week, probably for the best though, make him wait for it! Should I still continue sending the same girlfriend texts until our meet up or should I do anything different?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Continue on what works.. That's good that he has to wait and adhere to your schedule,and the red polo will do 🙂
Okay, I will stick with it and wear the red polo 🙂 thank you!!
Hi Amor and Chris,
I am getting pretty close to the stage where I may do a sex text, I miss you texts and girlfriend texts are going really well, but I want to be prepared. I know what to do for a reply in every response, but if you get a negative or neutral response how long should you wait to contact again and also what sort of text should you send? I am wondering this same thing about if you have to ask them out and they say no, where do you go from there?
Many Thanks!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
It's better to step into calls first before asking out. With the way texts are going, it's less likely that you will get a negative text but if you do just reply calmly and politely and then it depends on how bad the reply is..but it's either 2 day-3 days apart to text again
Thank you! I am going to transition to phone calls first and I don't think I will get a negative response however I just wanted to be prepared so I wouldn't panic if I did receive the worst!!
Hi Amor and Chris,
I have been following the ex boyfriend recovery pro and progressing well all positive signs and responses since the beginning. I did an appreciation text on Friday and got a good response saying how good it made him feel. Then I messaged him on Saturday saying good luck in his football match, I got a positive response. did not message on Sunday, and then this morning, Monday, I got a message from him saying he had missed me this week because he had been unwell and didn't realize or appreciate how much better I made him feel and how much I did for him, said sorry for not appreciating it and thank you to me, and how wonderful I am. but then said on the end, please don't tell anyone about this text because he doesn't want people to think he is sending mixed messages, he just wanted to say thank you, like friends do. then said 'I hope you're all good, have a lovely week. x '
Is this message positive or negative and should I reply? please please give me some advice.
Many Thanks,
Hi Amor,
I decided to respond and got a really positive response, think I kept the conversation going a bit long but it was so great, telling me how kind I am and that he is there for me if I need anything and he trusts me. I still ended the conversation but when I did he didn't respond at all, this is the first time he has ever not responded. Is that really bad? Should I still move forward and do a slightly more emotional text followed by a sex text a few days later?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Emily,
Sorry for the late reply.. You're doing good but keep the friendly texts as of now, he's in denial, he's preventing to be emotionaly and if he sees you're making a move, he might say, "I told you I don't want a romatic relationship right now." So, build rapport first..
Hi Amor,
Thank you for replying, I have been building rapport for over a month now, always get great responses, and last week when I started doing more emotional stuff he followed me on instagram again and started liking my pictures, and I received this positive text from him. I feel like I should keep doing emotional memory messages etc but not make a big move, as I have obviously got a positive response from doing them, but he is not quite ready yet, do you agree?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Oh it's been a month of just texting? Yeah, definitely go with the emotional text and also if you can, step up to calls.
Yes, so I have really put in the ground work. I think from his text he sent me he is ready for more emotion and obviously more than comfortable thinking and talking about the relationship, I just need to still go slow and not rush. Okay, I have some plans for texts to turn to phone calls. Thank you Amor!!
Hi Amor,
My ex keeps saying he wants to be there for me and if I need anything to just let him know. My Great Auntie is currently quite ill but I haven't told him this as I want to be positive when we message. However should I tell him to allow him to support me and create a bonding moment?
Many Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
I don't think so.. He would support you but that would be out of pity or just being empathic for the situation
Thank you Amor, I will not mention it then and remain purely positive!!
I stumbled upon your original 'How to get your ex boyfriend back' article. I have been exploring teh site and reading pretty much every other post and have stumbled upon this article of version 2.0. I have a question though. The original article goes into much more detail on how long to wait before new 'set' of texts. It talks about a lot more steps to ( the jealously texts to through in there). I know this is the newer version so I am assuming it is best to follow this plan of what kind of texts to send and not the plan from the original article? I just started the NC so I am reading up on the texting part!
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Taylor,
Thank you for reading our articles, the ones in the newer version are the better ones but if you see something in the old that you think works better for you, you can use it.
Hey there,
So I've read all the posts you have on the no contact rule and what happens after. Now I'm at the point where I really need some advice please!
My ex boyfriend and I were supposed to be married after 6 months of being together. But he called off the wedding two days before our wedding date. Everything was already planned and everyone was coming. My maid of honor had to call everyone to tell them the groom got cold feet and backed out of the wedding because of fear (it was shocking, heartbreaking and humiliating for me). Clearly, I was so blinded by love that I did not see the signs of fear earlier. You have no idea what it was like going through our what was supposed to be wedding day sitting at home staring at all the wedding stuff and a wedding dress I'll never get to wear. He may as well have stood me up at the altar. I felt totally abandoned by his cowardliness.
Anyways, since then, I've taken your advice with no contact and stuck to it no matter how hard it was for 32 days. He contacted me by email on day 24 saying that he was looking at pictures of us, that it made him sad and that he planned to store them away. He wished me well in the future. He didn't ask any questions though. I didn't respond.
During the 32 days I did everything the no contact rule says. I worked on myself, got a new job, spent more time with friends, been on two dates and took up some new hobbies. On the 32nd day I contacted him by text as suggested, and kept it simple saying I found a book that made me think of him for the first time in a while and made me smile.
I got positive feedback within an hour and he asked how I was doing. I wrote that I got a new job but never asked how he was. I also ended the conversation by saying I'm grabbing a bite to eat with work friends, bye for now. He wrote back within an hour asking more questions and said he was happy that thinking of him still made me smile. I haven't responded yet. What should I do? Should I wait a few days or continue the conversation? What happens when I end the conversation like that and he continues it with asking questions? What should I say from here? And what do you think may be going through his head?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Jennifer,
To be honest, I think this is going to be a long process.. First, he might still think you're not over it which is of course and which is actually what you need him to see also in a way….
he has to see that even if you're hurt, you're trying to live life and move on…because you would be fooling nobody if you say you're over what happened after a month…Why did he get cold feet?
Hi Amor,
Thanks for your response.
He got cold feet from the pressure of the wedding. We were so busy planning everything under tight deadlines that it took away from the "fun times" of our relationship (that's what he said). At the time I explained to him that planning a wedding is not like a marriage. That even though a marriage is harder, the pressure is over a span of time with ups and downs we would have to work on, not at once everyday constantly like planning a wedding.
Since my last post to you, we've been texting back and forth for two days (only a few texts each day with me ending the conversation). I've informed him that I'm doing great, I have a new job, new hobbies, new friends, etc. He seemed genuinely interested. Then he admitted that it was strange not having me in his life anymore, that he was still adjusting and hasn't started any new hobbies or interests. I replied by saying I would have thought that he'd be getting on great reconnecting with friends and regaining old hobbies and enjoying what the single life has to offer, as it was my impression that he wanted nothing but freedom from me to regain his "happiness". Ugh, since then texting died down, he stopped asking me questions. But I still ended the conversation confidently and said I had to go somewhere, talk later. It's hard to tell what he's feeling. Did I make a mistake saying that?
What should I do now? Wait a few days and initiate again?
EBR Team Member: Amor
I think it came across as a blame for him.. I think you need to be more open and receptive in the next texts like being friendly and listening to his words.. so that he would think you didn't mean what he thought about that text
Thanks Amor.
That's what I though he might be thinking too. Should I initiate conversation again in a few days or wait for him to?
From what he said it sounds like he misses me as he finds it strange without me in his life and hasn't really pursued any hobbies, but he hasn't initiated any conversation with me yet either. It's all so confusing. I'm not sure if he wants me in his life or not 🙁 What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
it's ok to initiate after a few days as long as the convo goes well and you end it… I think he does miss you and he just misinterpreted what you said
Hi again Amor,
Well, it's been a few weeks since I last spoke with you. Things were going great – or so I thought. We met up a few times and had a great time each time we saw each other. I refrained from getting too emotionally attached too soon however, and abstained from sleeping with him or even kissing him. We just flirted, held hands and kept things light. He was on fire, wanting more of me! 😉 Spouting roses and sonnets about wanting to make a major committment to me and spend forever with me. Yesturday, however, totally out of the blue, after just seeing me the night before, he tells me that he needs "time" and that he's not over everything that happened. He went from hot to cold over night. I know its nothing I did – he said he had an amazing time. But he text me saying have a good week (meaning don't talk to me?!), and that there's things he plans to do this week that will be therapeutic for him. What does that even mean? And what should I do now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
That means it's better to keep your distance and try to move on. If he realizes he wants you back, he will message you.
I failed no contact after 15 days, but started talking to him a week ago… I have initiated all the conversations thus far. First conversation was normal, I got a positive/neutral response, ended it. I talked to him again a few days later, and we talked a bit longer and he was interested in what I was saying because he was responding quickly, but then he stopped replying out of nowhere. A day or two later I texted him again, but this time we talked a lot, and I was surprised. He's been responding to most of my messages, getting more friendly each time we talk, but still doesn't text me first and I can't tell if he's into me. He offered to call me once which surprised me, but I accepted. It was short but went well (this was a couple days ago, which was after the 4th conversation, and it went on for a while). Although he offered to call, he's not chasing me yet, does this take more time? Is there anything else in particular that I may be missing or doing wrong to get him to chase me? He's sort of giving off mixed signals and I can't decide what he's really feeling, I get the fear he might only want to be friends or something. Before all of this I begged for him back, but then I started the no contact, and when I failed it I didn't start over… Then all of this happened. Is it possible he may be holding back to test to see if I will fall back into the begging? He's also not the most expressive person…
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Nicole,
it's a possibility thay he's holding back to observe.. but he initiated a call, so that's good.. What matters more is you're the one that ends the convo and how you end it
Going well
Hi Chris and Amor,
I am following ex boyfriend recovery PRO and it is going well, have even got the texting bible, however still confused about some stuff, sorry! If you have been doing like a girlfriend texts for a while (2 weeks +), should you start asking him about his life? i.e. did you have a nice weekend? I have not been up until this point unless he has asked me first, because I am being an ungettable girl, so I don't need questions to get a response. But at this point is asking questions not encouraging him to ask them back, similar concept to reminding him about things like a girlfriend to encourage him to start doing the same?
Also, when it comes to the point when I move to phone calls: if texting is 50:50, quick response time from him, even if I wait 2 hours to reply, me always controlling when it ends at the high point and even amount of words and engagement when texting, however I am the one pretty much always initiating contact, is it still okay to move forward?
Many Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
Thank you! Yes, it's ok to ask now how his day has been and it's also ok if you're the one initiating contact, ehat matters more is how you talked and how you ended it
Going well
Hi, not sure if I already posted this but it never came up so I have done it again!
Thank you Amor! Talking well and ending it well, even last night I did an I'm busy, can I text you back later? Then I did not text him back. He messaged me this morning and then ended the conversation quickly but very positively, saying have a great weekend, indicating he would not want to speak over the weekend. I am going to reply nicely but would like some advice on when I should contact him again been as he controlled it? My next plan of contact was sunday evening anyway, should I still go ahead with this?
I think he is playing me at my own game. From previous conversations in person I know he has read this website after the break up as he straight out told me. so he is probably looking at tactics. Also 4 weeks ago when we were in the car together he said that if we got back together he would want it be happen naturally and not be forced, making me assume he is looking at ways to build attraction.
Many Thanks!
Hello guys! Firstly I would like to thank you for this website and all the advice! Great stuff 🙂 I'm super stuck with my ex! so… I'm already half way – 14 days of NC. He has blocked me on Whatsapp and on his phone – so I can't call him or text in a 'normal way'. Also, recently after me posting a pic on Insta(along with pics how I'm enjoying life with friends) saing 'Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you dont care, but because they don't', he has made his profile on Insta and FB private – didn't block me there so I can still send msgs from those social media. However, he told me not to contact him because it is too painful for both of us. We broke up not because we didn't love each other or were not committed – we were crazy in love! and that's both intensively happy and intensively arguing! Most of the times it was about my mistake which I did when we were 'seeing each other'. He has done something really hurtful and I told him I never want to see him again in my life..I was super confused so I went to my ex boyfriend at the time – who I was seeing as friends/friends with benefits…and I did a massive mistake – I slept with him. After that, I knew straight away – IT WAS A MISTAKE – and it happened only once…and then my current ex wanted to see me..and I wanted to see him too, so I did and I told him the truth! He forgave me and we went on an amazing sea side break – most magical time ever for both of us. We were so in love that we moved in with each other! Since then we were arguing so much..he said I cheated on him with my ex because he told me he loves me, when I said it doesn't count because we were not a couple! Now I know it was a massive mistake..but what was even worse was me mentioning my ex after – when we had fights. He really couldn't take it..and I'm not surprised why. Also, in this time he was going through a very painful time – his mum was very ill. I really tried to support him and I felt like its not working and he is not listening to my advice on the situation – he broke down, crying every day so much that my heart couldn't take it and I wasn't as supportive and kind as I shouldve been. That's because I felt I need to be the strong one here and think in a logical way and do not break down with him..but he saw it as me being mean and insensitive. Also, I was super hurt because he never introduced me to his friends or family – apparently because of that 'mum situation'. After 6 months of wonderful moments and massive arguments, I decided to move out. I moved out but we still saw each other few times and kept in contact for about 2 weeks. In one of the arguments I said we cannot be together – and apparently it was me who broke up. I said it but didn't mean it! My actions were different..I helped with some family situation and I said every single day that I love him and miss him…until this one day that he hasn't replied to my msgs and didn't answer a call – I knew he is with another girl. He was as he admitted later – his female friend who he spent evening on cooking a meal and 'chilling'. I broke…I wanted to see him this evening and he knew it..he said I broke up with him so why does it matter who he spends time with. Anyway… after that we were text arguing every single day! One day I decided to go and see him! I came and he was was shocked I came..he was laughing from disbelieving…he started to hug me and touch me and he was just so happy… but I was super hurt knowing he is seeing other girls..or that girl..or whoever! I said that I came to see him..I was the one suppose to talk but I just couldn't say much – he was the one talking. He then dropped me to work and at that time it felt like he is the one wanting to still keep in contact and I said that it could be the last time we see each other so I want him to take care of himself – he was shocked I said that. Then at work I felt like I need to actually say things which didn't come out earlier that day. He really didn't want to see me – he said he needs time to think and he can see me in the morning. I went to see him that evening and told him that I do not care – I'm coming to talk! He wasn't there and he blocked my number on his phone! Next day in the morning he called and texted me million times..I never answered unitl he said that this is a goodbye and it's super hard for him to do it but he doesn't want to play games and that he loves me very much.. He blocked both of my numbers so I called him from my flatmates number – begging to meet me! After crying to him, he finally agreed but told me to do not come with any hope – because in his heart he feels he is doing the right thing and he has to let me go. When I came, first we had honest and calm conversation…then he started crying saying how he never told me but the thing with my ex (who I had sex with) is killing him every night and he can't do this to himself..it's the stress I give him is just so painful, and that yes we are amazing together and it will take him a very long time to get over me, but he can't go to sleep every night thinking of my ex, who I still keep in contact. We started crying together..then we started dancing and we were ;laughing how synchronised we are together. That moment I knew break is needed! He even said that he needs healing because he feels that all this negative moments are all over his body now and he wish he could ask me to wait 'few years' so he can heal, but of course he will not do that to me. It was the last time we spoke…I went through stage of guilt and horrible breakdown..but I'm now positive that it will get better! The problem is… I don't know if 30 days are enough. I'm going to Rome with my girlfriends – he went there on a city break not long before we met and I remember him saying how wonderful it would be if we went there together as well. My 30 days NC is finishing 2 days after I come back from Rome…I almost feel like I should msg him on Instagram saying you were right – Rome is so beautiful!
Please advice me on this one! Do you think there is a chance of us being together again? 🙁 I almost feel like there is…as he said he will always love me very much and he know I will too..I saw so many mistakes I did and I wish I could have a chance to show that I see them now and I will not make them again!
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi sonia,
I think there is.. but if you are going to do nc.. you can't message him in any way during nc.. go for 30, extwnd for 45 if you think you need it
Hello, my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. I am on my first day of NC and I've been reading your "guides" all day. I am nervous about this NC because the reasons my boyfriend and I broke up was because he "didn't feel the same but still loves me", he's been busy due to making a varsity baseball team and we never had time for each other. We both ended the relationship mutually with no arguing, because things were really hard and we both needed time. With the way things ended it feels as though he didn't want to break up with me. I get this idea because he kept saying "it'll be hard to love someone else like I love you", "hopefully, we will get back together soon" and saying he will still text me good morning, check up on me, etc. It doesn't feel like this is what should have happened. I feel like the reason we ended things was invalid and that we can fix this problem with due time and when he is on a less busier schedule. My problem with the NC is that he has practice almost everyday for his varsity team and has very frequent games. If I take the 30 days of NC, and then initiate contact I might not get a response due to his schedule. How should I go about this?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Persephone,
but before nc do you get texts frkn him everyday?
Hi Chris,
I enjoy reading your articles and you give such sound advice. I have a question that you haven't covered yet. The NC rule makes lots of sense but what should I do when we have close mutual friends? Lucky for me, as soon as we broke up, I started doing my research and came across your website so I haven't done anything regrettable yet (crazy ex stuff).
Quick back story: Tony and I were very good friends before we ever dated. We spoke and joked around almost everyday. He moved here a few years ago. Practically, all my close friends became his good friends and they're inseparable. We are all inseparable. Like the show friends. One day, he confessed that he had feelings for me and I realized I was attracted to him as well so we decided to date on the DL because we didn't want our friends to know yet. For good reasons, we didn't want to make things awkward around our friends. The inevitable happened. We recently broke up and our friends still have no idea we ever dated. We decided to be friends after our breakup. I played it cool but deep down it hurts. I tried to avoid him yet we keep having to run into each other because of our close circle. Because I wanted to avoid Tony for at least 21 days, I stopped attending any functions involving him. Him and our close friends caught on. They notice me missing in action especially not going to engagements, baby showers, holiday parties, birthday events, and game nights (I love game nights). I tried making new friends but it's just not the same. I don't think it's fair that he gets to keep our friends and I don't. What should I do?
I used to think I'm an expert at break ups. Every EX I ever dated, wanted to get back with me. I instinctively did all I was supposed to do but the difference was, I never cared to get back with my exes. Once I break up with someone, it's over. Tony was the first guy I ever dated that we started out as friends first. Unlike the other guys, I still care for him and want him in my life. He still contacts me. Always trying to get me to hang out with him and our friends. He'll keep messaging me random things as if we're still friends. I don't let my emotions get the best of me and I reply strictly as acquaintances with very short replies. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. It would be so much easier if we weren't in the same circle. I could easily do the NC for 30 days or even 90 days with no hesitation. When Tony contacts me, I'll take a long time to reply which I can tell agitates him. I contemplate whether to tell him to give me time and space. In addition, I would like to request that he not show up to some of the events in order for me to be able to hang out with our mutual friends. Would that be selfish of me? Would that make me look like the bad guy? I feel like if I did express these things, then he'll know that our situation is bothering me and we don't want him to know that.
Three questions:
1) What should I do in a situation where we both have mutual friends and it's hard to avoid? I miss hanging out with my close friends. Not only did I lose him, I lost my best friends in the process.
2) Why is it so easy for him to be friends again? I feel tormented while he seems perfectly fine. Do men have an on and off switch?
3) What should be my next steps moving forward?
EBR Team Member: Amor
Hi Lisa,
If there aren't any other events that he's not involved, why not invite your friends instead? Maybe not all of them at once, because they might get suspicious why you didn't invite your ex but at least you can still bond with them.
We don't know yet if he's just really being friends with you or that's just his way of staying connected with you after the breakup.
you said , you can easily implement the no contact phase, after that start texting again until you can call him, and then you can start hanging out again. the last part should be easy 'coz u don't have to think of an activity you two can do, since you have a lot to catch up with your mutual friends
Hey chris, I'm 16. My ex and I were dating for 6 months and he broke up with me last night over the phone. I started yelling at him because he didn't try to make our relationship work and he knows that. He told me that he doesn't know how he's feeling and that he loves me but we met at the wrong time. he ended the call saying he's sorry. I sent him a sarcastic text saying congratulations. he replied Im really sorry again. I was starting no contact after that but then read your article and I sent the 'classy girl text'. I didnt apologise, all i said was Hey ___, I just wanted to say that I know a lot of bad things were said last night. No hard feelings and I wish you the best in your life" and he replied with "I wish you the same maddy. You were the best girl to me and I want you to do great in life. You're a great girl with so much potential." a few minutes later he said 'I mean that from the bottom of my heart'. I left the second message as 'unread'. I am going to begin the no contact rule, I wont open any of his messages or snapchats or like his posts on facebook. But I'm just wondering if I have a chance at getting him back. We broke up because we were having to many fights and our relationship was starting to feel miserable. If I wait a few days then start posting positive pictures of me acheiving things, hanging with friends and exercising (I'm skinny already) will he begin to miss me? because he says he still loves me and he knows that I've always done everything I could for him but he doesn't want to be with me? what tactics should I use to get him back and how long should I wait before contacting him?
Hi Chris,
I did NC for 33days after 3weeks since we broke up. We were together for 7months, it's an LDR. It was him who initiated contact first to greet me. We started texting again, and was even able to have a phone call. But found out that he's been dating this girl for a month and now they are engaged. He told me just suddenly in the middle of a good conversation. Im devastated. I don't know what to do now. Will NC again be a way to go? What do you think about this engagement?
Hi Chris, need your advice asap. My ex broke up with me in Jan this year. He deleted me from the chat app we used to communicate with. I tried to add him back after one month and he did not accept. Life moved on and I went to a foreign country to study my masters. Fast forward to today about 2 weeks ago, something strange happened. One night, I was using the chat app and playing around with the features. The chat app had a nearby feature that searches for people nearby. When I logged into it, I saw that my ex was actually within 100m of me in the same state. It was shocking and unbelievable. So for one week, I would log into the feature to confirm this and many times, I will see him appearing too. Sometimes at weird timings. But nothing happened, and he stopped appearing after a week. I really wondered if this is fate? I missed him a lot. So, I texted him today (one week after he stopped appearing) to ask if he was really in the same state and to confirm that the app is not faulty. To my surprise, he replied fairly quickly and said yes that he was in the same state (but he did not accept the friend request that came along with the text message.) He then asked me if I was working there and I replied that I was studying. Then there was no text back (and he still has not accepted the friend request). What should I do now and how long should I wait before I text him again? Is he still interested or just curious? Thanks in advance for your help!
Hi Chris,
My ex and i dated for ten month and he call it off, and then i did everything a desperate girlfriend will do .
Then i went to google to search "getting your ex-boyfriend back " then i saw your site. i started the no contact rule for 30days as you said , during the no contact period he text me several time i ignore. till i was done with the 30 days NCR. I have sent my first contact text and he is not replying , i waited for four days to send another no reply . i am confuse . he is 46 year old and i am 29 years . what should i do because i am not given up
Chris Seiter
Give it another week or two. If he texts you then text him back. Why did you break up in the first place?
Hi Chris,
I've written a few times and have not been able to get a response. I know you are very busy so I do understand haha. Your guides are so awesome that they alone have helped me get this far 🙂 .
So I've done NC successfully and my ex and I have been talking again for 2 weeks now, generally twice a week. In the beginning things were good. On the first day he asked if we could meet up that weekend and that same night he told me he still loves me. The only thing is, he's been going thru a hard time since one of his friends committed suicide 3 months ago and has been detached from his feelings so he doesn't have the capacity to "care about anything right now". (His emotional withdrawal coupled with my impatience caused the break up a month after he found out about his friend). In reality, I know he does still care about things because if he didn't he wouldn't be able to still love me. He's just scared to care because he doesn't want to end up feeling pain or disappointment. Like a lot of men, as I've learned from these guides, he doesn't know how to handle them. I told him that I know he is only preventing himself from caring about things because he is trying to protect himself and he agreed that he was. He said he wanted to work on trying to trust me. He also called me twice that week, one call and one FaceTime. We didn't get to meet up that weekend because of the weather.
Last week I feel like I messed things up by asking him what it is we were doing (like are we "talking" or just being friends). During the conversation by phone, he was very unsure about a lot of things. He didn't know how to define what we were doing or what he wanted. The first week he was telling me he loved me, sending kiss emojis, happy to talk, then last week he wasn't sure what he wanted and almost none of his answers were definite. He just seemed very confused. He did tell me again that he does know he loves me (that's really the only answer he gives without hesitation) he just can't be in a relationship right now because he can't physically or emotionally handle it. So we are just friends for now. He also said he won't stop me from talking to other people. Personally I'm not going to be able to move on until one of us doesn't love the other anymore.
What really might have messed things up was the last we spoke. Four days after that phone call, I texted him in the morning, he ignored it, I texted him 6-7 hrs later, we had a brief convo about his skating which he was currently doing and how I missed watching him. He seemed happy I wanted to watch him because he was sending smiley emojis. Toward the end it seemed like he was saying I could come by but I wasn't sure so I asked flat out if I could and he said "not today". I made sure to respond positively to this so he wouldn't think I was mad and told him to txt me later. He never responded or texted later.
The other day, that night actually, one of his friends made a documentary about their friend that committed suicide and from social media, I can definitely see that my ex is still really effected by it and misses him very much.
I want to show him that I am here for him and that he doesn't have to be alone (which I think he feels since he won't open up to anyone).
He's dealt with a lot of abandonment in his life and I know his friends suicide and our break up a month later did not help that. Maybe he needs to be shown that everyone won't just leave him?
I had the idea to send him a text tomorrow morning (3 days since we last spoke) telling him I watched his friends docu, how beautiful it was, and that I hope he's doing ok. After, id send a nice Goodmorning text every few days (like 3-4 days) so he doesn't feel like I'm being needy or begging for attention, but knows I'm still here to support him. Plus who doesn't like to wake up to Goodmorning text messages! Haha.
Do you think this is a good idea? Thank you! 🙂
(I know Chris is a busy man, so if any of you ladies that have been living by these guides and have any advice to share please feel free!)
Chris Seiter
Sorry for not responding.
How long was your NC and I know you are finished but did you have a moment where you may have broken it?
It's ok haha I know you have a lottttttt of comments, plus a life outside of this. My NC was 35 days and no I didn't break it at any point. I held strong!
Chris Seiter
Wow! PROPS!
Hey Chris; first of all, thank you so much for your site! It has really helped me.
My boyfriend and I had a rather civil breakup after a nearly flawless 16 months together; it was his idea, so I was emotional, but no fighting or hard feelings. He gave the "it's not you, it's me" excuse, but I think it was due to me being overemotional and not completely trusting him. But I completed my 30 day NC (improving myself like you suggest), and our first contact conversation was short, but good, with him bringing up one of our inside jokes. Ever since then, though, the conversations haven't been great. I've waited a few days in between each conversation, and he responds to almost every text but doesn't seem to want to contribute. It feels as though he feels obligated to respond so he doesn't hurt my feelings but that he has no interest in me at all anymore, and I feel like I'm bothering/annoying him. Should I go back into NC? Or continue along with the process?
Hi Chris,
my ex broke up with me bec he has some trust issues and he is very jealous. I never cheated on him or intended to anyway of course I also made some mistakes and lied from time to time in order to avoid huge discussion. For example my ex BF is my boss and when we had company dinners I said he was not there even he was.
Anyway, from time to time he checked up and then I admitted that he was there. Things like that leaded to a huge fight and he said he cant continue anymore. So he left and moved out within 2 weeks. I asked him for a chance and to do a couple therapy but he said nothing would bring his trust back. I just would like to try and not just give up on this as I see so many thing in him and we worked out many things.
Anyway, I started to break up the contact. had to contact him twice bec we lived together and we had to sort out some things who gets what and how to handle the rent. We had a week ago a meeting in which we clarified most thing. He was very sad and said it all very tough. I pretended to be fine and he later also said to a friend that I seem fine and moving on. Now I bumped into him on a concert…of course you don't wanna see the person but then it happens. We said hi and that's it.
Today I had to write him again as we had flight tickets together and I needed the confirmation number. I only asked for the number and his reply was that he had a good time on the concert and he hopes I enjoyed it too. And then he said that I seemed very happy and it was tough to see me and it brings up good memories. I have no idea what to say to it….my initial plan was to go again into 21 more days of NC and then start with the msgs. What do you think?
I spoiled my chances again
After 2 months of nc
And trying to attract him through text
I asked him about relationship and he said
I think i should move on
There is no hope
He still wants to talk to me but not about relationship
Ohk so i really donno what to do my situation is very complicated..5yrs of relationship one year of long distance whicb created trouble..first six month was fine ..but next six month i became suspisious and got to knw about his new friend(girl) he had told me about her before but i thought it was casual..i got scared and we have fights…then we had breakup..he saod he doesnt feel for me anymore!!
I said nothing and then did nc…after 15 days i broke it and started nc again…now i have completed 30days nc and was using your text msg ideas but one day i got curious
I called him because i saw some romantic dp on his whatsapp..i thought he has started dating someone else..i called him and asked him indirectly and he said he is single and that he doesnt like any other girl..he said if that dp is bothering me so much he can remove it i said i am fine but he removed that dp..i ended that conversation we had a very good conversation
Now i dont know what to do know..i dont know about my chances
Plzz help!!
My ex contacted me during the 2nd day of the NC time period and I replied to his message. He seemed very emotional and angry while we were talking. We haven't talked after that day. Did I make a mistake when I replied to him?
Chris Seiter
Yup, unfortunately you have to start over now.
I finished a 40 day no contact rule about a week ago. (I felt the extra time was needed to work on myself!) I have had two conversations with my ex so far and they have been neutral but he was more friendly in our last conversation. I'm not sure how I can get him to text me first, though, as I don't want to initiate all our conversations.
I understand the importance of building rapport and being able to make him trust me, etc. One of my concerns is about how to become the ungettable girl in my situation. Before we broke up, my ex grew closer to a girl and they became friends. While he insisted he would never like her as anything more, and now I heard they've been spending lots of time together. The thing is, regarding looks she seems to have more of the ungettable girl figure (taller, naturally super skinny) so I am wondering what the best approach would be to make myself more 'ungettable'?
Also, my ex is the type of person who is really accepting of things being over. I ended things with him and he is the type of person to move on really quickly/accept that I broke up with him. (However he does have a soft side, he's just not keen on second chances.) In this situation, what would you suggest for getting my ex to text me first/become re-attracted to me?
Thank you for reading 🙂
Stuck on this one
16 here. My ex and I have been talking for three weeks(after NC) a little flirting here and there. Some of my friends were not find of me wanting to reconcile but were gonna live with it however recently they changed their minds. My ex sometimes compliments me then follows it with a "Let's ______" I haven't replied to it because… what…like idk. My friends keep putting bad thoughts into my head tht he's just horny this and that. He just wants sex, sometimes he gives me one word replies sometimes he sends pics of his family… I'm so confused.. I don't know