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Chef Jeff Kaplan Talks About the Celebration of Life…Through Food!
There is a place…a paradise, if you will, centered in a locale that's name is perfectly suited to the ambiance. The place: The Golden Isles. Off the coast of Georgia lies St. Simon's Island and the King and Prince Beach & GolfResort and, quite frankly, the elegance and the '5-star' service outweighs any 'royal treatment' you could possibly find anywhere else on the planet.
The King's Tavern is a facet of this incredible resort, and inside its doors dwells a chef who is outstanding at his work. He is as vibrant as his food, and he celebrates life at the King and Prince, which is then transformed into the most amazing meals you could possibly wish for.
The Atlantic Ocean is his daily view. His name, Chef Jeff Kaplan. His goal, to make The King's Tavern – the unforgettable dining experience. He wants this Eden to shine even brighter (which is hard to do, considering how fantastic it is now). We were lucky enough to be able to sit down with this incredible man and ask him questions about his life, his career, and what makes the King and Prince Beach & Golf Resort truly unique.
What inspired you to become a chef?
I actually 'grew up' in the business. My family has owned a catering company for almost thirty years now. When I was a freshman in college, I worked at a pizza place as a delivery man. One night, the cook walked out and the owner asked for someone to take over and start cooking. He said the person who stepped up would even get a five-dollar-an-hour raise. So I put down my keys, stopped delivering and moved into the kitchen. It was a great deal of fun – creating the perfect pizza, or the perfect Italian dish. I spent a year there and absolutely fell in love.
Did you study cooking at school?
Actually, no. I attended the University of South Florida which did not, at that time, have a culinary program. I ended up heading to New York, and then – completely by chance – the hands of Fate intervened. The Human Resources Director of Interstate Hotels literally bumped into me on a New York City street and spilled my drink on me. She felt bad and we began to talk. Two hours later, I was set up for an interview out on Nantucket Island.
Now, I'm a Miami boy and it was winter in the East. (LOL) So, I flew out to Nantucket in the snow, but the Chef there had no time to speak with me. I simply hung out and waited for hours to speak with him. He said that, anybody who was willing to go through all this having no real experience in the culinary industry must really want to cook, so he hired me on as a garmonge chef. It was seasonal employment and I was in charge of desserts and salads.
Wow, so all Fate or good timing up to that point?
Exactly. And then irony struck again. A man had come out to the Island for a week to work and he and I hit it off. He asked me to come back to New York and work at an Inn in Great Neck, Long Island. He was just beginning the project and I helped him open it up. I began with the salads and desserts and worked my way up to my first Sous Chef position.
Now I was literally entrenched in the 'food' world. Not only was I a Sous Chef, but I was working at a deli in the mornings, and on a third shift in a butcher shop. It was hard, but it was truly amazing working the three jobs because it allowed me to take a lot in and was a great learning experience.
And you moved on to Jacksonville?
Yes, I had an opportunity to transfer within the company and went to the Sawgrass Marriott Resort in Jacksonville, Florida. I spent 12 years there and learned a ton. This as a '5-star' resort, and I loved it. In fact, there is a tie-in from there with the King and Prince, because it was in Jacksonville that I met Vinnie D'Agostino, who is now the Food and Beverage Director here at the King and Prince.
I worked with him in Jacksonville. He was the one who called me at the beginning of this year about this position and now, here I am – three months later and I couldn't be happier.
I've met Vinnie; he really is a great individual.
This is true. We had a lot of fun together at the Sawgrass. I call the people here at the King and Prince my 'family' now; but anywhere you work – if you're awake for 14 to 16 hours of the day and working 12 of those hours – you do end up spending more time with the staff than your family at home. You go through trials and tribulations together that truly bring you closer together. Vinnie and I have always worked well together and I love this place. I mean, we're sitting here in a '5-star' resort that is bubbling over with southern charm and hospitality, looking out at the Atlantic…this is a magnificent opportunity.
I'd like to speak about your 'Farm to Table' menu ideas and the changes you are making here at the King and Prince.
I actually love the 'Farm to Table' concept. We are working on transferring all of our menus over to that. What we do is work with local farmers, growers, etc. and use their products – all that fresh produce, fish, etc. – for our menus. We used this concept at the Sawgrass where we would alter our menus depending on what was 'in' as far as the growing season was concerned at the time.
Here on St. Simon's, we are reaching out to local farmers, local purveyors, and establishing relationships with them. We have conversations with the farmers and orchard owners, etc., about what they have 'on tap' at the time, so that we can only use fresh/seasonal products versus grocery store purchases. That's the concept we're embracing.
Vinnie has laid the groundwork for the regional and local products, and I will be getting out there so we can feature local culinary 'treats.' Partnering up with local farmer's markets and touching base with the locals is fantastic, because we can get both our 'names' out there. We can celebrate the King and Prince and at the same time help the local economy and our local 'friends' increase their business. So it helps everyone.
And it's a healthier product? I mean, you are staying away from the processed foods.
Exactly. You skip the 'middle man' by basing your specials on seasonal menus. You can rotate your selections based on what's in season and what the farmer's have ready to yield that month. You can't beat it; this is as fresh as a product can get. We're going to do this as well with the local seafood purveyors. After all, we are on the Atlantic so we should have the freshest seafood you can get. The possibilities here are endless.
What is your favorite cuisine?
Actually, I love cooking everything; I don't have a particular favorite. I truly love using the fresh, local proteins, produce, etc., and really treating them properly and respecting all the flavors. I love enhancing foods with salsas, pan sauces, herbs, etc. – and although I don't really have a particular 'favorite' cuisine, the focus will be southern classics. We featured some of those this week. Fried chicken and waffles was fun. Grits and greens…heck, I could eat fried green tomatoes all day long. And with the fresh seafood and the love the South has for frying things, it's a good fit.
You mentioned fried chicken and waffles. I have to say, I've been all over the South but here, was the first time I ever had that. It's a traditional southern dish?
(LOL) I actually don't know how it came to be, but it is infamous in the South. Working in New York, I worked with a lot of different fusion-style foods, but in Jacksonville (which we called South Georgia) I first experienced Southern classics and they definitely sparked my interest Now I want to learn the area, the culture and what's behind all this. Once I've embraced everything, and once these selections are on the menus, I think it will be an amazing combination.
I have to ask, Chef, what motivates you?
I love making people happy with food. I mean, think back to your most memorable and favorite family moments; the best and most happiest of your life usually were some sort of gathering – dinners, holidays, parties – and I have just loved being a part of creating memories like that for people. I love creating that perfect dish. There is nothing better than making something for someone who just loves it, and you know they'll remember it for a long time to come.
Also, people eat with their eyes. You want to dress it up, and I love working with different presentations and staying on top of the latest food trends
What is your greatest accomplishment?
Gosh, I can go back and think of so many things, but one that sticks out is one week in 2007 when Jacksonville hosted the Super Bowl. The Sawgrass hosted the team – the Philadelphia Eagles – and it was pandemonium for ten straight days. We actually did three million in revenue in one week. I was very proud, because we handled it all, we pleased all the guests – including the team – and it definitely stands out as a major accomplishment.
I'm also very proud of all the hard work I've put in over the years. I didn't go to culinary school, I like to think I went to the school of 'hard knocks.' I loved each and every opportunity. I mean, I admire culinary schools; they teach you about food, proper techniques, etc., but they can't teach you how to work in a kitchen – all of that is strictly hands-on. I've been cooking for 20+ years now and it has been a great accomplishment to be able to achieve the Executive Chef position at this point in my career.
What's the best cooking tip you could give to a novice?
Make sure you have salt and pepper! You must have the basic seasonings. I, personally, love heavy, rich flavors – but everything has to be seasoned. You have to make sure that when the food leaves the kitchen it's at the highest level it can be. But that would be my tip…make sure the salt and pepper is handy before you begin.
What's your funniest kitchen experience?
One year on my birthday – we had these huge eighty gallon kettles for cooking soups, stocks, sauces, etc. – and my culinary team decided to fill one with ice and water and I was then chased down. They picked me up and dunked me in there. Even though I put up a fight, that was how they said, "Happy Birthday."
There were also several birthdays of being 'pied,' which was a long-running tradition at the Sawgrass. It was the big joke on everyone's birthday to receive pies in the face, so I have several memories of being chased around the kitchen with cream pies at the ready.
Do you have a favorite cookbook? Or, is there even such a thing?
I have two I work with quite a bit. One is, The Food Bible, which covers every food there is out there. It tells the origin, what goes well with that particular item, seasonal information – everything.
There is also, The Food Lovers Guide, which is really a food dictionary. Any word that is even culinary related to products, techniques – everything is in there. I would like to think that in twenty years I have the experience to know all, but that's not possible. There is always plenty to learn, and I go there to learn it.
What is your 'vision' for the King and Prince dining experience?
I told Vinnie when I came here that my goal was to put our cuisine on the map. I want to make this the best restaurant on the island and one of the top in all of Georgia. I want to embrace that 'southern hospitality,' bring in fresh product, new ideas, new recipes, and treat the food with the respect it deserves.
I want a line out the door every night with the restaurant always rockin'. This incredible resort speaks for itself, and I just want to bring the culinary program to the highest of heights. I want people to flock here, enjoy the food, and want to bring their families here. …It's all about making people happy.
Certainly this amazing environment really sets the stage.
Exactly. Again…visual. The King and Prince is pure class – great views, elegance to the nines – which makes the food even better. It certainly doesn't hurt to eat your meal in the lap of luxury as you watch the sun rise or set over the ocean.
A Georgia Boy Burger, a beer, the salt breeze…?
Exactly. You got me sold!
Yes, readers. You can 'hear' the celebration of life in Chef Jeff Kaplan's words, and it certainly translates onto the plate that is set down before you. This is the ultimate Chef who truly sees 'food' as being the ultimate spice of life.
What to do after reading this? Look up Southern comfort foods (check out that very cool and delicious, Fried Chicken and Waffles), and make a reservation immediately to come to the King and Prince Resort to make a brand new unforgettable memory!
I'll meet you there!
For more information, go to:
The King and Prince Beach & Golf Resort
201 Arnold Road
St. Simons Island, Georgia 31522
(912) 638-3631: Phone
(800) 342-0212: Reservations
(912) 638-7699: Fax


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Navalny Episode Hits Russia Where It Hurts
Legal System Damps Investor Sentiment
Alexei Navalny doesn't know whether he is coming or going.
The Russian opposition activist was sentenced to five years in prison for embezzlement on Thursday; on Friday, he was freed pending an appeal following large protests in Moscow.
Investors are proving less equivocal about Russia.
Russian stocks on Friday recovered some of the...

subset: commoncrawl


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Archives for December 11, 2009
More than 24 hours after the incident, the Russian Ministry of Defence confirms that it was a failed Bulava missile launch that caused the strange spiral shaped lights over Northern Norway yesterday…. details
Today, Amanda marched for her Masters of Biological Science at the University of Minnesota.
If you have not yet read John Wilbanks' posts on OpenSource Science, which is a critique of the idea, than you should. Start with this one. There are two more right after that. But they are very long, so by the time you are done reading all three of those, there will probably be a…
On Scienceblogs ….
Hanukkah starts tonight, as you probably know. This is the celebration of the Jewish version of Peak Oil. My family will be celebrating Hanukkah Sunday night (though we probably won't go with the newborn) but you can celebrate now by visiting two interesting blog posts and reflecting on their meaning: White Coat Undeground: Just a…
The author of How to Talk to a Climate Skeptic, will be on the Radio this Sunday. Tune in!
Orac has been blogging for five years. That's a long time, and it is impossible to look at that five years and say that his blog has not made an important difference. What? Huh? It's "insolence"? Not "innocence"? Oh right…. all this time I was thinking it was Innocence! … suddenly, it all makes sense!


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Originally Posted by Toff
I'm not much of a KSer having only done 1 game. I dislike waiting 1+ year to see if I am still interested in it plus will I even like the game when it comes out?
However I believe Indie games will be the future for me. I just prefer to wait till it comes out to check it out and am willing to pay more after release.


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Château Pichon Baron
Classification: Second Growth (2ème Cru)
Château Pichon Baron is the shortened version of the full name of Château Longueville au Baron de Pichon Longueville and was once part of a larger estate along with Château Pichon Longueville Comtesse de Lalande. In 1850 the estate was divided into the 2 current Pichon estates: Château Pichon Baron and Château Pichon Lalande.
Château Pichon Baron lies at the southern end of Pauillac near border with the Saint Julien. The Château itself is magically beautiful and the vineyards benefit from an exceptional location being on the same soil as Château Latour. Château Pichon Baron is one of Bordeaux's most illustrious "super seconds" and its has been well received by critics since the late 1980s.
In 1987 the estate was purchased by the French insurance company AXA , who immediately appointed Jean Michel Cazes, owner of Château Lynch Bages, as administrator. AXA invested heavily into the Château and the chai wasn't just renovated, it was completely rebuilt. The new buildings face each oth2nd-cd-of-iiw-images-013.jpger across the fish pool in front of the château and the cellars extend beneath the pool which allows the cool waters above to moderate the temperatures below.
Today Pichon Baron is managed by Christian Seely, Jean-Michel Cazes having retired from this role in 2000. Its vineyards span 172 acres and are planted with 70% Cabernet Sauvignon, 25% Merlot and 5% Cabernet Franc.
Wine Style
Château Pichon Baron's wines are the opposite of its one time sister Château Pichon Lalande. They have a stronger, more structured style and need cellaring for at least 10 years. The wines have a heady perfume and are powerful yet as smooth as velvet. They have the flavours of cherries, cassis, dried toast, vanilla and cranberries.
Owner: Axa Insurance (also own Châteaux Petit Village, Pibran and Suduiraut)
Château Website: www.pichonlongueville.com
Oenologist: J Boissenot and D Llose


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Taming Tremendous Turds: My Son's Massive Mounds
Editor's note: This was originally posted as a comment on Taming Tremendous Turds: How I Successfully Flush My Super-Size Feces.
*Sigh* I can't believe there's a website on this problem. I put in a Google search for "toilet 'too small' feces," hoping to find out what to do about this problem.
My son is seventeen years old and autistic, and we just moved into a new house with new toilets that are apparently the tiny-sized ones. The FIRST day, he let out one of his giant subs in the master bathroom and flushed it; it got stuck inside. I know this is gross, but the plunger didn't work and I didn't have a toilet snake (at that time), so I had to STICK MY HAND DOWN THE CRAPPER and try to break it up and un-stick it.
And that didn't even work -- even after having my hand, up to my elbow, in the brown water!!!
So I poured in intervals a whole bottle of the toilet bowl cleaner with Teflon. And THAT didn't work, either. Then I poured about half a bottle of bleach (which was all I had left) in a few more intervals. That might have helped a little. But I kept flushing away and plunging, trying to get it down. I had never been so frustrated in my life.
I finally just left whatever bleach was in there overnight in the toilet. And then, after about two days and a few flushes and plunges, it finally went down. The feeling I had at that moment was that of being more relieved than any good shit will ever provide you in your lifetime.
The problem is that it's still happening. I went out and bought a fifty-dollar heavy-duty toilet snake, but I hate taking that sucker out of the shed every time this kid has to take a dump. I mean, if company comes, I have to go to the shed and walk in with this four-foot apparatus??? So what I'm doing now is training him to NOT put paper in after he shits, but to CALL ME from the bathroom so I can go in and assess the problem and big it is.
I had been trying to use the leftover cardboard cores from paper towels to break his turds up into smaller pieces and flush them that way. But the turds are occasionally too hard for that to work, and the cardboard gets soggy and becomes useless. I also had some long wooden BBQ skewer sticks left over the in the kitchen drawer, and I now keep them in the bathroom to jab the turd and try to break it up a little. But they're too thin and I feel the stick may break.
Yesterday I got real pissed off. I just could NOT bring myself to go through this again, so I jabbed this perfectly huge super-heavy submarine with the BBQ stick, picked it RIGHT UP OUT OF THE TOILET, put it in one of those plastic supermarket bags, tied that up, put that bag in an empty box of Premium Saltines I found on the top of the trash, and then used packing tape to close the box up. Today when I came home, I could sorta smell it in the garbage; so this trick won't work unless the next morning is garbage day.
I think the ONLY thing I can do at this point is to try to find some kind of plastic canisters real cheap. Then I can just harpoon these turds out of the toilet and secure them for transport into the trash and ultimately into the local landfill.
Who designed these toilets? Who designed the codes mandating the size of the plumbing pipes? I mean, from what you hear every day, America is getting fatter -- and they're making toilets smaller? Code enforcement needs to get with the American program!
34 Comments on "Taming Tremendous Turds: My Son's Massive Mounds"
I salute you mom. For only a mother could go through such agonies as child birth,turd chopping and poop harpooning for their kids.
This has to be fake. Nobody is that dumb. Get a bigger toilet or at least use a damn coat hanger like everyone else (except me because I have an American Standard Champion Toilet)
We have a big daddy American Standard too (this is why the cat was covered up to his ears when he jumped in that one time).
I think I've had to plunge it once: when my niece tried to give her brown teddy a bath in the crapper.
What do you mean you didn't see it? It was right next to the toilet!
Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!
I'm with CEP and doniker on this one: either fake or a case of an IQ threatening to emerge. One comment, DD: if these logs can be harpooned and lifted intact like deli dills from a barrel, I doubt if more fiber would help. Or would fiber make them easier to chop?
Get your sub shitting son a portable commode - the type that is used for convalescence or for the frail/infirm. Poops dump into a large, removable bucket. Simply dump the contents outside somewhere, say a neighbor's swimming pool, or get out your Ginsu knife and neatly chop up the massive log into flushable-sized pieces.
_Boy, the poopreporters are getting harder to entertain..._Not the best I have read either but at least it is a new story.____
Producing waste since 1967
Producing waste since 1967
Now what if this is ture. You have probly just hurt her feelings.
Why dont you get one of those small handheld eletric fans. You can use that to chop up the poop.
Maybe it's fake, maybe it isn't. I can't address these issues, but I do know a thing or two about Autism, children and crap.
While it seems incredible that anyone could shit a brick like this kid, you have to remember that people with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) operate on a different wavelength, both physically and mentally. For example, some kids won't eat anything (even if they're starving) unless it's a certain color, usually white. If you have one of these kids, the diet is almost exclusively rice, potatoes, milk, sugar, bread (white enriched) and bananas. No meat. No other vegetables (except for, maybe, the odd turnip). If you eat a diet like this, it won't take too long before your turds take on the consistency of clay that's been fired at 800F for 24 hours.
My own little one, up until about age 5 would hold his shit for days. Not just 2 or 3 days. We're talking 5 to 7 days.
Do you have any idea what a kid looks like when your kid has to shit but won't let it go? We write about "the shuffle" and "the butt-clench". These are nothing compared to my kid's technique. Stand bolt upright, cross your legs and squeeze until the veins in your neck and temples pop. It looks like a cross between a vertical epileptic seizure and a fever-induced convulsion. Now watch that happen up to several times an hour for 2-3 days.
When he finally couldn't hold it back any longer, it would come out so huge and hard, it would literally tear his sphincter. People brag about their 18 inchers. My kid's could easily be that with a diameter larger than most adults. And firm too. There frequently was no coiling of the turd. It would hit the bottom of the bowl so hard that you could hear it against the porcelain.
Generally, once the dam broke, he would follow-up with one or more normal-sized bowel movements in the same day. And then the cycle would start all over again.
This got so bad that we had rules around the house: veggies (non-starchy) and fruits at every meal; if no poop by day 3 then no starches and at all, limited meats and 1-2 warm, soaking baths; if no poop by day 4 then laxatives in the evening before bed; if no poop by day 5 then suppositories; if no poop by day 6 then an enema about an hour after dinner.
Then one day, after all of the trips to various doctors, cajoling, harrassing, tears, etc., he just starts pooping regularly. It's literally as if the light just turned on, Yeah, we had to carry him to the toilet, but he would poop the first time he was put on the toilet. No candy or favorite videos were necessary as reinforcers. We just had to watch for The Posture and then shuffle him off to the toilet.
Now, he's gone to the opposite extreme. While he doesn't shit in his pants, he's become the proverbial Catholic Bear. The kid will shit anywhere and at anytime and with absolutely no warning. But I'm saving these stories for later though.
(Do you have any idea what it's like to have your elementary aged child drop his pants while you're reading the nutrition label on a can of tuna fish? Do you just abandon your cart and flee the store, hoping that nobody notices? Or do you tell the store manager that they're going to need a serious clean up in the canned goods aisle? Fortunately, he hasn't deuced over in the Produce section or by the Meat lockers. Yet, that is.)
So, if this story is untrue, then it's just a shit martini with an ASD twist. And, if it is true then this is some serious shit.
Frankly, for the kid's sake, I'm hoping that it's a lie. And, if it's not, then rest assured that there are millions of folks going through this along with you.
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.
Yo quiero Taco Bell.
*** Warning -- Nothing Poop-
Related Here ***
Autism Spectrum Disorder is a condition that effects approximately 1 in 166 births. It is a Developmental Disability. Males are four times more likely to have this condition than females. Conditions range from minor to profound, primarily effecting socialization and language development. Symptoms, generally, emerge between 18-36 months of age. More than half of all people with ASD later will be diagnosed with Mental Retardation.
Currently, there's no cure for ASD. Heck, nobody even knows what causes it. There are lots of theories about it, including mercury poisoning (primarily from childhood vaccinations), glutein and cassein "allergies" and genetic factors. A popular school of thought is that ASD is caused by an environmental insult acting on a genetic pre-disposition. Two things are generally accepted as true: it's not caused by bad parenting and it's not contagious.
ASD and the digestive system can be related in so many different ways and yet so different from one person to the next, other than the ways mentioned above. In fact, one of theories is that certain kinds of food (glutein and cassein) when digested produce an as-yet undiscovered neurotoxin. Some kids with ASD respond quickly to a GFCF diet. With other kids, nothing. And with a third group, there's an initial positive response but then nothing after that.
A common treatment for ASD is Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA). It's essentially dog-training for humans. You take the desired task or behavior, break it down into its small possible components, teach these one at a time with a prompt and reward. Repeat this task tens or hundreds of times until the kid gets it. In order to be effective, this treatment (like most education-based treatments) is labor-intensive. It's generally recommended that the child recieve 40 hours per week of services. (That's not realistically what happens, but still it's recommended by the professionals.)
Some people rely on medical interventions, primarily the DAN protocol. This is generally a homeopathic treatment, involving chelation with diet modifications and vitamin supplements.
For the very desperate, there are shamans. This may sound silly, but occassionally you'll read about parents having their child exorcised. Very rarely, though, is this fatal.
Most county and/or state governments provide education-based therapies through the school system. I don't know of too many parents that are pleased with the implementation of the ABA program through their kid's school. Most parents, where they can afford it and where there are trained practitioners available, will supplement government services with private services. That is, until the bank accounts have been drained and all of the equity in the house has been tapped out. Then, the family is on their own. Accordingly, most such private services will only accept very young patients, where the potential for improvement is the greatest and the parent's wallets are still the deepest.
BTW, Insurance generally will only pay for diagnosis of a Developmental Disability. Most insurers will not pay for any kind of treatment, especially Speech Therapy, for ASD. The military, however, will. So, if you suspect that your kid has ASD and you're currently in the military, stay there, because if you want some treatment that isn't provided by the county and/or state, it's coming out of your pocket.
*** This has been a Public Service Announcement ***
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.
Yo quiero Taco Bell.
try a drill and a paint mixer (looks like an egg beater but larger) i recomend a Makita 18 volt cordless drill a smaller one would probally work but lack the power and torqe
I've had the same problem as this autistic child. When I was in highschool I would take massive dumps in the school bathroom. I used the bathroom near the gym because it was off the beaten path. Anyway, I weighed around 400 pounds at the time and so anytime there was a clogged toilet, kids would look at me or make nasty comments like hey turd burgler, assleupagus, shit stick, ass rocket, turd nugget, etc.
Back to my story, I threw a oversized duce in the highschool toilet right before lunch time. I totally blew my 0-ring! Just like many times before it clogged big time. There was no way this thing was going down. I tried a courtsey flush right away and it got stuck, litterally looked like a tall boy Coors can shoved right in the pipe. It actually turned and angled itself in a way that it was pertruding out of the water. I got up fast and made a dash for the other toilet. I wiped my ass with almost the whole roll of tp (and you know how big rolls are in public bathrooms). I did two more flushes on the toilet next to the one I clogged and lumbered out of their to the lunch room.
It didn't take long for other kids to notice this whale in the toilet dangling above water. They started giving tours to other kids including the girls. At this point our janitor ( who also was the milkman at lunch time) was notified of the humongus shit that I left behind. He went to check on it and came back, grabbed a FORK FROM OUR LUNCHROOM and went back to break it up! Meanwhile being the only 400+ pound guy in the school, it was obvious to everyone who's anus could handle this behemouth clump of crap. ( and if Maggy from Heppner, Oregon is reading this, I'm not talking about you).
Anyway bottom line: Don't tease enormus size people or assume that they are always the ones who are clogging the toilets. Yes 90% of the time, it is someone my size, but not always.
And to the janitor, thanks for always taken care of my colossal massive turd missles.
Charles Rathbun
"try a drill and a paint mixer (looks like an egg beater but larger) i recomend a Makita 18 volt cordless drill a smaller one would probally work but lack the power and torqe"
ROTF!!!!!!!!!! Or she could borrow the Sledge-O-Matic from Gallagher. That'd work.
for 20 bucks pick up one of those handheld blenders, the ones u stick in the pots to whiz all ur veggies into soup...
after whizzing the poop and flushing, pour a bit of disinfectant such as lysol and a couple of drops of liquid detergent into the clean toilet... whiz it up again and voila! the blender is clean! put the blender in a stand beside the toilet brush. label and dedicate this device to the washroom only...
Dear Mother of Mr. Sub,
I'm so sorry your PoopReport experience was unpleasant. Most of the people here are very nice and very, very funny. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole barrel.
Some people here can be a tough and a bit difficult, but most are VERY nice and I laughed so hard at Di Verticula's comment that I almost peed my pants.
I really enjoyed your story!
The following words hit home hard to me:
1. "My own little one, up until about age 5 would hold his shit for days. Not just 2 or 3 days. We're talking 5 to 7 days. "
For me, one week was the norm. Then it was Fleet time. I swear I think my mom had a standing order for Fleet at the pharmacy. Unfortunately, I was not normal again right afterwards. I was pretty cleaned out after a Fleet, but by day 3 or 4, the ole' familiar feeling (and pose, see below) was back. My record was two weeks, and back to back Fleet's after the first didn't work after two hours.
2. "Do you have any idea what a kid looks like when your kid has to shit but won't let it go?"
Do you have any idea what that looks like in a 35 year old man?!?!?!?
3. "Stand bolt upright, cross your legs and squeeze until the veins in your neck and temples pop. It looks like a cross between a vertical epileptic seizure and a fever-induced convulsion."
Been there done that. I would add the position, "Squeeze your ass cheeks so freakin tight that it squeezes sweat put of your cheeks like a wet sponge"
Fortunately, at my age, I know that it is better to just get it out, most kids are afraid,and are either unable or unwilling to understand that the rollin stone ain't getting any smaller.
I think I have stretched out the width of my colon, because even though I eat much healthier, it will sometimes be two or three days before I even feel the urge. Does anyone else have this problem?
As far as the disposal of said log, I usually have to resort to those disposable plastic utensils. Although, in a hotel, in a pinch (no pun intended!), I have used the pens they leave on the desk. Remember, you are dealing with at most a six inch implement and there is no margin for error.
Sometimes, for kicks and giggles, or just to tempt fate, I don't perform the aforementioned duece-ectomy and just chance it to see if it will go down. It's a sweet feeling when you see the water level hesitate for a second and then plummet, spinning the log round and round with its resultant skid marks!
Dear Mom: Sorry your experience here was unpleasant. I am new to the site, but find most posters to be genuine. I think most here take it all quite seriously in fact. I hope you came away with what you sought out to begin with: a little constructive advice from someone who maybe has been where you are. Ya can't sign yourself Mother of Mr. Sub and not expect at least a few wise cracks. Dealing with a shit-filled toilet on top of all you go through on a daily basis having a special needs child I'm sure just adds to the stress. Good luck.
All I have to say is, "thank god my son isn't the only one". He's autistic too and will do, almost verbatim, the same thing. Holding it for seven days, then clogging the toilet. He's also had gastrointestinal problems. Doc had to put him on a laxative as well as zantac.
Not that I'd wish this on any child, it's just comforting to know he isn't alone, and that we're not either.
We've put him on a schedule (which he hates): we have an egg timer that goes off every 20ish minutes, and send him off to the bathroom. It gets him in the habit, though only one such trip has been successful so far.
Good luck!
Been there, done that. As I was reading I kept thinking "I know what she's talking aboutI used to have this problem when I was younger, where my bowel movements were only every 2-3 days, and to avoid stopping up the toilet I would use a flattened empty toilet paper core to chop it up, but I had to be quick before the water saturated it. I would then wrap up the core in toilet paper and hide it in the wastebasket under other stuff. Eventually I hid a wire hanger in the bathroom cabinet under the sink which I would use, then wash off and hide it again.
Nowadays I have 1-2 BMs/day and don't have the problem anymore. (I think my diet must better now, I know I get more fiber).
I'm surprised no one suggested stool softeners, not laxatives. Like more fiber or cholase. They would make the stool easier ot flush.
And, what does he eat?
It occurred to me that a friend who's kid dabbles on the autistic side is overly-sensitive to food texture and hates vegetables. Her doodies were always a bit hard, according to mom.
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
Mother of Sub, you need to ignore the assholes and look at the real suggestions. Some people post comments just to get a rise out of the author because they have no real lives of their own.
I will say, however, that I think you are being a little over-sensitive about some of the jokes. Some people (not the ones calling you stupid) are just trying to lighten the mood. This is, after all, a humor site.
Having an autistic son can be extremely stressful. As can being a hurricane victim. (I am assuming you were a Katrina victim if a Habitat home was built this year. If I am wrong, I apologize.) As a current sufferer of stress (my mother had developed a chronic illness that is having mental symptoms), I have learned that laughter is a means of relieving that stress. Stop and laugh every once in a while or you will have a stress-induced breakdown.
As for some real advice, I would go with Deja Poo from his personal experience. (Not to mention that he is quickly becoming one of my favorite posters on here.) Also, you might try daphne's advice with a stool softener. Give your son some more water.
Is your son on any medications for his autism? I know some medications, particularly anti-depressants and anti-psychosis drugs, can cause large, hard stools. If your doctor has not investigated this, you should suggest it. If he/she still doesn't investigate, try to find another doctor.
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.
I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!
It sounds like you need new toilets all together. Many time, to cut costs, contractors will throw in "blu light special" toilets.
There are several options. Pressurized toilets are powerful, but there is no way to abort the flush, and many are very noisy. Kholer makes one model that is almost totally silent.
High velocity flush toilets are great performers as well. You want a toilet that has a fairly straight trap. Eljer and Jacuzzi make such toilets. They have a 3" flapper vs. the traditional 2" flapper. Both of the above mentioned toilets also have larger traps, so there is lees of a chance of clogging.
Finally, you can resort to a macerating toilet. These toilets simply grind up the waste, and also have the ability to up flush. The only brand I am aware of that produces such a toilet is Sasniflo. These toilets are areound $700.00, so you may be best with the high velocity flush model, which is around $260.
I hope that this information will be of use to you, and resolves your shituation.
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."
Here's the answer - let him shit in the kitchen sink with the water and garbage dispolsal running, problem solved.
Here's the answer - let him shit in the kitchen sink with hot water and garbage dispolsal running, problem solved.
Stool softeners? my dad had to take those after he had his 'roids removed, sounded like a firehose shooting into a swimming pool when he went.
My portly poops started when I was quite young...I can't remember not having this problem. Sometimes it's just a hellofalot worse than others. I can recall in high school overhearing my parents and sister standing around one of my "soakers" giggling about elephant turds.
(Fast forward through a bunch of wacked out female stuff - babies and severe monthly cramps...)
I have to be careful not to eat too much fiber. It creates such intense bowel contractions I actually have to hold onto the wall and breathe through the pain as per my firstborn's natural child birthing. I end up on the bathroom floor, panting, sweaty and nauseated, sure that death would be a decent alternative. Once the poop pops I'll be fine within an hour.
Sometimes my poops are a manageable size but so awkwardly shaped they get lodged in the hanger. Other times there doesn't seem to be enough umph to propel them out of the hanger. In either case I have to manually push on my perineum to get/guide them out.
This just gets better and better and I'm only 38. Hmmm. It didn't sound so bad until I started writing it all out!
Mother of Mr Sub, try sneaking some fiber into your son's diet by using "Fiber Sure", it's relatively new and you can get it in most grocery or drug stores. It's colorless odorless and tasteless, you can mix it into any beverage or food like pancakes or pudding. Also maybe you can get him to eat those probiotic yogurts like Dannon's Activia. Good luck with this problem and God Bless.
For better performing toilets (especially the ones that can handle the 'big jobs'), check out the online report at www.terrylove.com. (seriously! he's a plumber that evaluates all sorts of toilets and ranks them as to how well they 'do the job').