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So as I've mentioned in the previous post, I'm now studying for my Masters in London under the Chevening scholarship which is a body that awards full scholarships to over 1500 students to study in the UK for their Masters. If you'd like to find out more about it, please check out the website as this post is mainly going to be for people who are seriously considering applying/have already applied!
I'll divide this post into 2 parts: 1. How I prepared for the interview and how it went, 2. Making the decision to do my Masters: Expectations vs reality.
These parts may not seem chronological but since it's interview season, I figured most people would be more interested to hear about the interview first anyway!
Congratulations for making it to the next round!
I have to admit, making it to the interview stage was a huge ego booster for me since I was fully prepared to not even get a callback. I was fairly confident with my application, but I guess there was still a part of me that never quite recovered from my previous rejections after my SPM (straight As, applied for 10 scholarships, didn't get any hah).
Just a disclaimer that this is a post about my experiences and what I think mattered in MY circumstances, so please do contextualise it for yourself and do a bit of research yourself too! A good place to start is this post by Chevening that compiled a list of ten tips from other applicants too: http://www.chevening.org/chevening/blog/2017/interview-tips-from-chevening-scholars
When was my interview slot? I picked one in the middle of the interview cycle just because I wanted at least a week to prepare, and frankly I was also working full time so trying to fit it in my schedule took some time. I picked a morning slot so I could still go to the office after, and I guess I'd be a lot more fresher too? But tbh I don't think it matters, I have friends who interviewed in the beginning and at the end and still got it.
How did I prepare for it? I think I read through my application essay 5 times or so just as a refresher since I wrote it months ago and I'm super glad I did! In fact, I tried "memorising" my answers which I don't recommend, but it's how I normally prepare before giving speeches/presentations so it worked for me. I read somewhere that they'd ask similar questions as your essay, hence going through it would be helpful. I then tried predicting other questions they might ask like "tell me about yourself", "tell me why we should invest in you and not others", strengths, interview type of questions etc.
I haven't been interviewed in a while so it's just a refresher if anything. Then! since I spent a lot of time being stuck in traffic anyway, I took the time to practise my answers. I even recorded some of them to see how I sounded haha. You should also practise with a friend just to get feedback!
How was the interview like? There were 3 people in the panel who interviewed me, and was actually a LOT more relaxed than I expected it to be. It was a small room with a table and 3 of them on one side and me on the other (but not at the end of the room like most "interview scenes" in movies etc, it was just like a meeting).
So I definitely felt a lot more relaxed than I thought I'd be It also helped that the interviewers were realllllly nice!
They asked me things that I predicted, like questions on my leadership experiences, why I want to apply to my program(s) of choice, why that would be important to my field. They also really grilled me on my field to make sure I know what I'll be doing and how that would really add value to the industry. Eg: in my case I was applying to do a Comparative Education course in hopes that it would provide me skills and tools to make systematic comparisons of education policies, and they asked me a bunch of questions to make sure I wasn't just giving vague fluffy answers (which I definitely did in the beginning).
The interview itself was very brief, only 30 mins, and I remember spending most of the time talking about the Chevening network (which appealed to me the most, which is why I chose it over Commonwealth in the end) and how I think I can contribute to it. They also asked me questions about adapting to a new country and place and asked if I knew much about the British culture haha (to which I replied with my obsession with Sherlock and Benedict Cumberbatch and English breakfast tea lolol which I cringe thinking about now..)
So yeah that was it!
1. Prepare lots by rereading application essay answers and anticipate different types of questions especially to do with what you want to study and why it would matter to you, to your field, and to the country (but don't worry about wanting to come back and "change the country/world" cos while that may be admirable, it matters more if you know how you can add value to your field).
2. Practise out loud! This is a fairly generic interview tip I guess haha
3. Think of it this way, if you are the British government and you have a set amount of money and your main aim is to fund people who will eventually be influential in their country so you can improve the ties between the UK and that country and can "use" them in the future (since they'll study in the UK and will eventually adopt a bit of your culture, way of thinking and develop some sort of bond with your country), who will you pick?
You'll pick someone who exhibits leadership potential and are a good networker I think. So that was who I presented myself to be (and hope that I am as well!). I don't think that means you have to be super confident and outgoing, but just generally exude leadership and certainty and inner confidence?
I was talking to a friend who asked for tips and we got to talking about her current predicament and eventually realised that doing this may not be right for her now. I think coming to terms with where you are now and where you want to be in the future, and if this Masters (whether it's free or not) will add value to that is VERY important!
I desperately needed a career break to figure out where my next steps would be, and realised that in order to get there, having the credibility and experience of an education Master is important for my field, but it may not be the same for everyone.
I told her that frankly, I don't know if I made the right choice cos I'll be finishing soon and the thought of going back to square 1 is quite scary. So what if I've got a MA now? I still have to start looking for a new job, still have to figure out what I want to do and if what I wanted last year is still the same now. In some ways, I think I expected too much from this Masters and thought it'd give me more clarity and certainty (which is my fault really).
I've also been a little disappointed with my program (a sentiment echoed by many of my classmates) so that may have added to the mismatched expectations and I kinda wish I had more time or put more thought in choosing the right program and have done more research. I remember just wanting to put the application in and it was hard to do a lot of research while also working full time (and in my case, while also planning my wedding) but I wish I really considered what I honestly wanted and which program would suit that goal more!
But if you're already at the interview stage I guess you can't really change your programs but you can still change the order of priority so you still have that last opportunity to do more research.
But if you're reading this in preparation for your application, I'd strongly encourage you to do more research and more "soul-searching" so that you can really maximise your learning here.
The good thing is I still have 6 months to make the most out of my time here and I'm consciously trying to do that more so it's not all bad!
All in all, getting the opportunity to be here FOR FREE, learning so much more than I could have on my own, meeting like-minded folks whether in my program or in the Chevening network, having all these amazing facilities and access to knowledge around me and taking the time off to invest in myself, all that has been absolutely worth it!
Even though the opportunity cost for me is being separated from my new husband for a year which is sometimes admittedly unbearable, but we agreed that it's a good time to do this before starting a family so it's definitely the right choice for me.
Anyway this has been a veryyyy long post so I'll stop here, but if you have questions that are not covered in the post, feel free to comment or email me directly. Best of luck!
Nor did I blog about my wedding itself..
Nor did I share here that I've resigned from a job I held for the past 3 years..
Nor did I update about leaving Malaysia for London, where I currently live..
So, YEAP, lots to catch up on since I last blogged 6 months ago! I know most of my readers know what I'm up to anyway because of my dayre or snapchat, which I regrettably have been slacking on too haha, but my blog is special so I'll document it here anyway.
So four key updates on the last 6 months:
It was difficult because we were trying to do so much with such a small budget, but I'd like to think that we successfully pulled it off! Because we're an interracial couple, we had a few considerations that we had to bear in mind. In the end, we had a small ROM, a week of Indian traditional ceremonies, a Chinese Tea Ceremony, and a big Indian wedding!
Our ROM was at Thean Hou temple and it was a really quick 10-minute ceremony! Super efficient, we were done by 11am lol
My biggest worry was my white dress, as the dress that I wanted to wear in the beginning didn't look that great on me. This one is from Doublewoot, and was originally too long for me (which made me look stumpy) so I got it altered at this home tailor called Jess Tailoring (can find on FB) and she did an AMAZING job! I love it so much <3 the dress + alteration came up to be around RM150 so it's pretty good.
My ROM look
We had a Nelengu ceremony during the week as well, to cleanse both of us before the big day. It was so much fun because the whole family came together to prepare the day for us which made us feel super special!
If we were to follow the actual tradition, we weren't supposed to see each other at all till the wedding. But since I can't do the Nelengu with my family (who wouldn't know what to do), we did ours together. All cleansed now!
And then I got my henna done, which took 3 hours :O
This is my amazing bridesmaids who came to my house to prepare the doorgifts for the wedding <3 <3 <3
Doorgifts done! It's packets of coffee and milk candies, cos it's a #kopisusuwedding
#kopisusu which means coffee and milk, because we're known as the kopisusu couple! (Brown and white lol)
Also our initials, K + S #meanttobe
Then, we had our Chinese tea ceremony where we played the usual hengdai games and all. Giving angpows out for the first time! #likeaboss
Some pics from the tea ceremony, which went really well without glitches! All thanks to my family and bridesmaids, I didn't have to do much hehe. Makeup was done by my cousin who did a fantastic job <3
And yes, Shanshan came over for the whole week to help out too! She's finally gracing my blog again hahaha
FINALLY, my wedding day! This was my saree for the day. Indian brides typically change their sarees midway through the ceremony to signify being married, so I got two blouses instead of buying two different sarees (too expensive).
My makeup was done by Kokilah Reddy, who did an absolutely amazing job. Plus, we had a huge drama in the morning too cos the tapestry guys (who were supposed to bring tables and chairs covers) thought my wedding was at night wtf. So I was panicking like mad in the morning and my MUA tried to calm me down.
So while I was panicking in the room, I found out that my wedding GUESTS all came together to help out with the tying of chair ribbons and table covers. This really brought tears in my eyes, knowing that not only did nobody complain, but everyone was genuinely happy to play a part. Relatives and friends in sarees, cheongsams and baju kurungs alike joined hands in making our wedding happen. Sigh, it was truly beautiful.
Anyway, fast-forward, we got blessed by both sides of our families..
Exchanged our garlands..
Walked around the fire 7 times..
And was finally married! By now we're finally legally married and married according to both Chinese and Indian Gods. Phew, so much effort to tie the knot haha.
We had our Indian wedding in a huge Chinese temple too, which definitely increases the muhibbah factor lol
With my bridesmaids and some groomsmen <3
Anyway I just realized that I'm supposed to talk about my last 6 months and so far I'm only still at point 1 HAHAHA man it's gonna be a long night.
Ok fast forward!
So, sometime last year, both Karthik and I were feeling a little dissatisfied with where we were with our careers and wanted a challenge. We both thought it'd be good to pursue our masters together so started applying for scholarships together. After months and months of refining applications, waiting, interviewing, and more waiting, I found out that I got both the Chevening and Commonwealth scholarships to study in the UK!
I ended up choosing the Chevening over the Commonwealth scholarship, but check it out, I'm the only woman who got it! Mount Holyoke, this is for you
By then, Karthik already withdrew his application because he just got an offer to join a very prestigious company which he couldn't turn down.
We had a long talk about this, and decided that I'd go for it since it's an incredible opportunity, one that I couldn't possibly turn down. He felt that it wouldn't be fair that I stay back because he was going to pursue his dreams, even though I'd have to leave TWO MONTHS after our wedding.
After a lot of thinking and consulting a few close mentors…
As you guys know, Teach For Malaysia has been my identity for as long as I can remember. I've been hugely committed to the cause, and joining TFM and having the opportunity to teach for 2 years have been the highlights of my life. I made many good friends, met my husband, found my passion and discovered my life's work.
So it was indeed incredibly difficult to say goodbye, but I knew this goodbye is needed so that I'd grow to be a better person for TFM. Macam breaking up hahaha
I still have a very good relationship with people in the organization and would love to go back one day so it's definitely not the end
My farewell card with everyone in the office attempting a "suet li selfie", from the CEO to our mak cik cleaner LOLOL I have the best colleagues!
My school for the next one year
AND my home for the next one year
Soooo yeah, I think it's pretty up to date now! I've been here for a month+ now and am still getting used to being a student again. I've been out of school for a bit so it's not easy getting the hang of it yet, with allll the readings I have to do etc. Everyone here is also really young, I feel incredibly old to be 28 and married to be honest!
Long distance marriage is of course really tough too, but technology makes things a lot better. We talk everyday and try to catch up as much as we can, but I can't wait till he comes visit in December
I'm also working 2 jobs here, which makes it better as I'm always busy doing something, plus I get additional $$$ to spend too since London is SO EXPENSIVE.
I update my dayre weekly (really don't have the discipline to update everyday haha) so check it out if you'd like to follow me there!
It's been a crazy 6 months indeed as so much has happened, with 3 major life transitions too in such a short period of time. I've been incredibly blessed to have such strong support systems around me, and even more grateful to receive this opportunity from Chevening to study for free in the UK. In fact, the application deadline is soon (8 Nov), so do apply too and you never know what may happen!
I'll try to blog more about my journey here in London, but don't take my word for it
Until then, thanks for reading!]]>
So put that trait together with having to plan a wedding, and you can imagine just how difficult it is!
But I think in the last 4 months, I've gotten the hang of it and have progressed quite a bit in the planning in a thankfully as pain-free as possible way. I've documented a fair bit in my dayre but I still like keeping a footprint in my blog so I'll write a post here on how I've been planning my wedding on a budget!
I know this may not be the most popular post as we've grown quite accustomed to elegant, classy, expensive and lavish-looking weddings, all thanks to social media and societal expectations, but if more people can be proud of sensible and more down-to-earth weddings, then perhaps we won't be in this quandary in the first place.
Anyway, I got comments from a troll recently (gasp! first hater in years! almost forgot how that feels..) on how cheap I am, but I guess what better way to prove him/her wrong by being as proud of it as I can! Hohoho
Troll comments, which admittedly are quite funny:
Anyway, so here goes.
1. You have to just accept the fact that you'll never get the exact perfect wedding you've always wanted/may want
I'm not even the kind of girl who has dreamt of my wedding day since I was a little girl and I didn't even have any expectations of what I wanted, or so I thought…
When I started researching on weddings, it's hard to not expect anything when you're constantly surrounded by all these pretty images on instagram and Pinterest on other people's weddings and then you start forming these images of what you want in your head too. Nice cosy intimate but elegant dinner by the beach/in the garden with close friends, heartwarming speeches, cute little door gifts and TONS of flowers, long flowy princess-looking dress and perfect hair and makeup, crazily adorned tables with a million candles and dainty-looking trinkets..
Sigh, who doesn't want this?>
But of course, then the families come in and start talking about how it should be and before you know it, it's just this MASSIVE thing that you have to do. Doesn't help that we're from different cultural backgrounds too so we have to do two kinds of ceremonies (Chinese and Indian) AND neither of them fit into what I wanted (Western)!
So after months of researching and compromising, we've decided to combine everything into ONE wedding. Yeap, just the ceremony followed by a luncheon, the end. It was quite hard for me to agree with it as I really wanted the intimate dinner, but the cost was just too much + we can't do away with the cultural ceremonies so..*shrugs
2. Lots of compromise
Now that you know you can't have THE perfect wedding, it still costs a lot to plan A wedding. There are so many items to consider and it gets a bit too overwhelming, which I find really unnecessary but necessary at the same time? As in, you need the photographers and you need a dress no matter what, but why oh why do they cost so much??
So in the end, you either just have to compromise on not getting the best, or be willing to put in the time and effort to search like crazy for a good deal. And you have to know what you're willing to spend on and just try not to fuss over the rest.
I knew there were 3 things I'd spend more on:
1. Food
2. Photography
3. Make up
And we spent the most time and effort on these, and were lucky to have found vendors that charge quite reasonable prices for all of them.
Next came the hardest thing I had to compromise on: decorations.
So so pretty, but also so so expensive
I think this is probably the bane of all weddings. They cost SO MUCH and it's very hard for us girls to not care about it cos..well PRETTY THINGS!
But the prices just don't make sense and no matter how hard I looked (trust me, I received quotations from at least 30 vendors!), they're all averaging at RM8-10,000 (for decorating the entire hall as we're not doing it in a hotel/restaurant). We just couldn't possibly imagine spending that much on something that is so…temporal and impermanent.
Working in a non-profit, we know how much that means to the people we serve and it can probably feed 3-5 families for months.
Anyway, long story short, we found a much cheaper vendor and had to compromise a little on the quality (using fake flowers, minimizing the decor and forgoing things like photobooth, pretty table set ups etc).
The dress is also one of those potentially expensive things, so I finally settled with a mid-priced saree (RM500) and a nice bridesmaid dress for my "white dress" during the tea ceremony (RM180), instead of renting (~RM800) or buying (~RM2000).
3. Negotiate your way out of things
I know negotiating may not be the most comfortable experience, but if it involves money you don't have/can't afford/can't imagine wasting, then you gotta do it. We first had to negotiate quite a bit with our parents to reach a middle ground with what they want for our wedding to be, and what is practical for us. That means cutting down the guest list, not doing everything like giving dowries etc)
Then there was also negotiating with the vendors to decrease the budget. For eg, the makeup artist was going to charge me RM1,600 but I cut out the two saree changes and two sets of accessories so we brought down the price to RM800. The photographers and videographers were RM3,500 and RM4,000 respectively in the beginning but we reduced the hours and other offerings like albums etc and brought it down to RM4,700 for both (~RM3,000 saved!).
4. DIY/get help where ever you can
I'm not a huge fan of DIY-ing stuff cos it takes a lot of effort and energy (especially for things like decorations) and I don't want to impose on our friends/family for help but there are really some items that you can totally do yourself.
We're DIY-ing our invitation cards (thanks to help from a reader, Dayna, who does beautiful calligraphy and is incredible nice and patient) and our door gifts (with help from my best friend, Esther).
RM0.37 each card, as opposed to the usual RM2-3/card that shops charge. But will be a pain tying them up lol
Oh! We also cut out the redundant pre-wedding shoot and just got our friends to take our pictures for us during our holiday in Bali (destination pre-wedding woot! lol).
Pretty good innit? Thanks to the talented Ida!
Connie took this beautiful one at the beach
They're definitely not like the usual pre-wedding shoots with beautiful white dresses and great lighting, but hey it's free! We also took a few with self-timer which turned out quite ugly hahaha but we had a lot of fun trying it out
Anywayyyy, I think that's all I have for now, and I'll write another one after the wedding to see if there's anything else (and hopefully everything goes well so I can share more tips after) and I'll share with you guys some of the vendors and their prices k! I did a lot of online research looking for them and really wished there were more reviews so I'll do my part to add to that collective knowledge management.
Until then, hope it's been helpful and if you're on this journey as well, good luck and let's rejoice in the fact that we're all embarking on an exciting life journey together and the wedding is but a small part of it all!
p.s: disclaimer: there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend more on your wedding, if you want to and can afford to! I love attending nice weddings and secretly feeling the real flowers and admiring the beauty of it all, but I'm writing this for people who can't and don't want to spend too much on their wedding but feel like they have to.]]>
It's 1 am and I should be sound asleep or at least be in bed playing Plants vs Zombies as per my usual nightly routine, but I've been on my laptop since god knows when doing research upon research on makeup artists, photographers and wedding venues.
So, when 2016 came around 3 weeks ago (which I never got to wish everyone! So belated Happy New Year all!), instead of writing a reflective post on how 2015 has been for me, I was busy panicking about my wedding. You see, we haven't done much the last 8 months since we got engaged because well..planning a wedding can't be that hard right…..
I mean, you're essentially just planning for a weekend only, why need a whole year to do it? I saw the checklist, we made an excel etc, but we just never got why the rush and stress. I also never got how people had to take loan, or blew more than RM100k for their wedding. Man….now I know why.
(Google image)
So I started with doing plenty of googling, Pinterest-pinning, Facebook-stalking all all that modern planning jazz. Ok, doesn't look that hard. All I need to do is find a random place, decorate it with flowers, get ready, done!
But then I started realizing that the options are limitless! Do we wanna do it in a restaurant (chinese? western?), a hotel, a hall, a bungalow, a cafe…?? Do we want a rustic wedding, a traditional one, a quirky one, a romantic one..?? How many ceremonies/events do we want to have? What kind of decor? What color? What kind of dress? Who to invite?
(Google image)
There are so many insane things going on at the same time, and so many different opinions! I'm sure you married ones can attest to this stress, and you unmarried ones are wishing that it'll never come down to this for you.
Worst of all? We are two SUPER thrifty people. You guys know how stingy I can be..I never buy anything more than RM50 and if I have to, I take a long time deciding and it drives me crazy. Karthik on the other hand, is just a minimalist. He doesn't spend if he doesn't have to. And in his opinion, this whole shebang is unnecessary.
We had an honest conversation about how much we are willing to throw in for our wedding. We reluctantly came up with RM20,000 total, cash we're willing to part for this wedding.
HAHAHA it was impossible to plan with that amount. Plus, we have to do the Chinese ceremony, the Indian ceremony and we'd like to have a dinner too. 3 events for 20k. We can't hire a wedding planner with that budget, neither can we afford ANYTHING. Plus, we don't want our parents to pay for anything if possible, since this is our day after all (well, not all of it is..actually almost 80% of it isn't lol)
I started emailing for quotations and when the rates came back, my heart sank.
Venues cost RM150-200 at least per person, my budget is RM100 including alcohol.
Makeup artists cost RM1000+. My budget is RM500.
Dresses cost RM1500-2000. My budget is RM500. Plus I have to get a saree too whoopdeedoo.
Photography…oh gosh, photography costs RM3000 PER session. I have 3 sessions (granted, I don't need them all to be photographed..) and my budget is RM3000 for all 3. Including videography if possible.
Man how naive we were. Cherry on the cake? The Indian makeup artists are all booked already. I thought I could get them so I could do makeup, hair and saree draping altogether, but they're all booked!!! One of them even told me that I should've booked a year in advance.
Why does this cost RM1500?? I mean it's absolutely stunning and I'd love to look like that on my wedding day, but..RM1500? Some of my students' parents earn half that amount a month to feed 5 in the family!
Since when did weddings become so expensive? Most importantly, how do people afford this?
The vendors I've asked are probably not the most expensive in the market, so how much can it actually go up to?
This is unfathomable insanity. And what's even worst is obviously there's a part of me that's just desperately hoping that I can have a fairytale wedding too. One that people would go "wow this wedding is the best I've been to ever!". One that would get my heart racing everytime I think about it, years down the road. One that we would show videos and pictures to our kids and grandkids and they'd hold their breath, marvelled at such beauty and showcase of love.
But who am I kidding?
My wedding is one of many my friends would attend this year.
Our memory of our marriage will not be based on the wedding, but on the love and life we've built together.
Our kids and grandkids would probably skim through the pictures halfheartedly, distracted by fancier gadgets and cooler stories.
I just need to tell myself to let go and let live a little. Yes, it's once in a lifetime, but so are many things like my first step and my first period. I didn't have pictorial proof of either but they did happen and were both equally as momentous in my memory.
So I guess here starts my #budgetwedding planning! I'll document it as much as possible so I can hold myself accountable to this post and this possibly shortlived realization on a late somber night.]]>
Like the title suggests, yes I'm getting married! It doesn't feel so shocking or jaw-dropping to me now that it's been FIVE months since I got engaged haha. But I still want to post it here since my proper blog here works better as a journal than dayre, and I just want to make sure most of my important life moments are recorded in this platform that means so much to me.
I won't be writing a detailed post of how everything went down, which you can read about it here: https://dayre.me/sweatlee/vhSydBOHpU. A LOT of things happened prior, during and after the proposal so do read it if you'd like some drama in your life hahah
Oh! You can also read the proposal story from HIS point of view too: Part 1, Part 2 – Quite nice and refreshing to read this from the guy's POV cos it's usually the girl who tells the story! But now I know how much work actually went into making the proposal a successful one
So yeap, I'm now someone's fiance (and have been for the last 5 months). It still feels a little strange at times cos I still feel like I'm so young, but in actual fact I'm in my late twenties now! It's been more than a decade since I started blogging, and it's quite weird to see how much of my life has been documented in here. All my ups and downs, all my joy and sadness, all my love stories with myself, others, with education, all of ME.
And now you're going to see me become someone's wife! And soon…someone's mother! and soon…ok not so soon, someone's grandmother! HAHA
But ok let's rewind a little from the grandmother part. Now it's the joyful challenge of wedding-planning T___T
Which to be honest, hasn't progressed very far at all *weak laugh
It's honestly such a PAIN! I mean, I do want to enjoy it as much as we can together, but it's been quite stressful. If you google wedding planning, you'll find crazy amount of resources and it gets overwhelming. Doesn't help that Pinterest has soooo many beautiful pictures and you have this unrealistic expectation of what your wedding could look like.
And then..you talk to your parents..and things just start getting downhill from there.
As you can probably tell from the above picture, we're both of different races, which makes the intercultural bit a nightmare! Don't get me wrong, I think it's beautiful and kinda nice and we'll have very cute babies (hopefully lolololol). But let me give you an example why it's a nightmare. My mom picked a few dates for us after consulting with a chinese fortune teller, and then now his mom will go consult with an indian fortune teller too to get a suitable date according to the indian calendar!
Which is why we STILL have not chosen a date yet hahahha..ha…ha *sad laugh
And this is just the date ok. Don't get me started on the kinds of CEREMONIES we need to do, and what I need to WEAR and who we need to INVITE. *tears hair out
Anyway, I guess it is quite exciting lah. We've started planning slowly on our Excel sheet labeled "THE WEDDING", have looked at a few venues, and I even have my own secret board on Pinterest! Heh
ISN'T THIS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE YOU'VE EVER SEEN?? I'm so happy I get to wear saree cos I love how it covers unflattering parts and still look so elegant and demure. Plus, the makeup and jewelry are beautiful <3
So…that's all I have on my secret Pinterest Board HAHA. I'm the laziest and most unenthusiastic bride in the world. It's funny because I think I've thought of how my wedding would be like before, but when it's finally time to get married I just couldn't be bothered. So much unnecessary work and effort and money!! for what? Ok I guess for the most important day in your life. No big deal wtf
I think I need a wedding planner, but I'm also determined to plan this wedding under very very low budget. Say, RM20,000 max? Is that even possible? I've asked around and the average price for weddings these days is anything from RM40,000-200,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111 *FAINTS
Ok to redeem myself, I'm not that lazy la, I have been doing a bit of research. On some nights when I have trouble sleeping, I'd google for wedding venues and read reviews from people who've gotten married. Actually, you know what, I should totally blog about it cos it's actually quite difficult to find a lot of blogs documenting their wedding-planning journey!
I need to find a way to hold myself accountable though cos what might happen is you'll read my next blog post 6 months later and I'm already married wtf hahaha #lazybrideislazy]]>
Anyway, thank you Tina for suggesting this topic. I was thinking quite hard on what to blog about, and since I talk about my daily life on my dayre, I don't feel like repeating them again here. So the question was: Could you tell us how life was like in college?
To my older readers, you probably would know quite a bit since I blogged quite religiously throughout my 4 years in college. But I thought it'd be quite interesting for me to reflect on this question now, almost 4 years after I've graduated.
In a nutshell, college was a bittersweet time for me. I'm a little conflicted about my experience actually cos I know I was quite miserable at times, but in retrospect, I did have a great time as well. I think my blog portrayed more of the happy side of things, so I'm going to share more about what it was actually like.
I had gone to a public school in Malaysia all my life, and in addition to that, I only learnt to speak English when I moved to KL when I was 11. So although I was fairly confident with my written English, I only got to know the extent of how horrible my spoken English was in my first year. On top of everything, I had such a hard time articulating my thoughts, what more have opinions on things. (Opinions? What's that??)
I remember my first ever class and we were asked to read a few books beforehand. In class, suddenly everyone was talking about what they felt about the readings. I was going to say how much I liked the book, but then I realized everyone had such deep things to say! They were so critical and analytical, and I could hardly keep up. I spent the rest of the semester barely saying anything. Even when I did speak, I was so self-conscious of my accent and how I was pronouncing things wrong, that I could hardly form proper sentences in my head.
That was just in class, I had an even harder time trying to fit in socially. Thank god I knew Audrey and I was close to her and Angie in my first year, so I didn't feel that bad.
Sorry Aud, I messed up your eye makeup, now you look like a raccoon hahaha
But imagine this, I was incredibly social in Malaysia and I never had to be alone. It was in college that I spent so much time on my own (which probably aided in my self-development thankfully) and had to be very self-reliant.
Following from point 1, I had to be a lot more hardworking in college. All through out my life prior to that, I was a straight As student. It wasn't easy, but it was nothing compared to college. Because I wasn't participating much in class discussions, I had to work ten times harder in my other assignments. I had to start writing papers way before the deadline to make sure I get an A and I had to see my professors one-on-one just so they know I care about the class. All this resulted in my good grades in college, but at the expense of my social life.
nth night at the library, writing papers after papers
I was also always working different part-time jobs just so I have enough money to go out with friends/save up to come back home in summers. Cleaning dishes, running after balls during sport games, clearing trash, cleaning floors etc. For some reason I was always doing blue-collar jobs wtf
Just keep washing..just keep washing
Of course this is something I never talked about with anyone or on my blog, but it was so long ago and since I'm already talking about college so might as well.
It was hard when Audrey and Angie graduated after my first year, and I realized then that shit, I hadn't actually made a lot of friends besides them. Shanshan, my only other good friend, had to take the semester off cos she had a benign tumor and had to go through surgery and recovery.
I spent a lot of my time alone that year, seeking solace in my computer cos that was the only form of social life I had. I blogged a lot, talked online to my friends back home, watched tons of korean drama while eating lunch AND dinner alone wtf. I really saw my blog as my main refuge and source of joy cos that was where I had acceptance and recognition. Haha writing it out now made it sound so pathetic, but I guess there's nothing to be ashamed of cos it got me through tough times.
But thankfully, I got over it a little bit and did make a few more good friends after that. Shanshan was also around in my senior year, along with Giang and Lali so I had a really good senior year!
Shanshan, the most beautiful person I know inside and outside
Giang, who taught me self-independence and reliance
Lali, who constantly challenged me on who I want to be and can be. I owe a lot of my self-realization to her.
Don't get me wrong, despite a lot of the setbacks in college, I never regretted going to Mt Holyoke. It was there that I learned the most important lesson in my life: that the pursuit of knowledge is life-long.
Coming from a very rigid education system, I never saw learning for the sake of learning before. It was always for a certain reason; learn to get As, to do well in exams, to get a good jobs, always in that order. It was in college that I was challenged in the way I thought and perceived the world around me. My professors and college mates inspired me tremendously to constantly outperform what I thought I could achieve, and ultimately showed me the beauty of constantly learning about the different things in life.
In fact, in one of my FAV professors' (Jim Hartley) parting speech to us, he said:
"Look at the person on your left, and the person on your right. In a hundred years, they will both be dead. (dramatic pause) We spend our lives worrying about things that are in the present, things that are transitory and are insignificant in the greater scheme of things.
From henceforth, spend your life thinking about things that are eternal, not temporary. Spend your life thinking about things that will matter 100 years from today, things that mattered 100 years ago and will continue to be important.
Your education has not ended, in fact it starts right after your graduation. Think about the everlasting effect of your existence, read the great books, read because it matters. Your education starts when you start learning about stuff because it matters, and the only questions that should matter are why are you here? what's the purpose of your life?"
These powerful words got me back to Malaysia, got me into Teach For Malaysia and got me to where I am today, 4 years later. As I continue on my perpetual soul-searching journey, I'm glad I'm always reminded of all the great things I've learned in college.
I wouldn't have been half the person I am today if it wasn't for Mt Holyoke and TFM.
So…I guess all in all, college was an interesting point in my life. I became a completely different person after that, in both good and and not so good ways.
I became a lot more "intellectual" for lack of a better word, and started having more opinions about everything around me. I started developing my own stances on things, and thought a lot more about the meaning of my existence and the legacy I want to leave behind. Things that I've never been pushed to think about before.
But I also became a lot more reserved and less idealistic, took off my rose-tinted glasses and became more pragmatic. Maybe it's about growing up too, but my moments alone pushed me to be more melancholic and solemn as well.
So yeah, sorry for the long answer to a simple question, but there you go!
You know, I hate going to the dentist with a passion. I hate everything to do with it. My stomach churns when I smell the sterility of the tools and equipment. I feel a lump in my throat when I see the dentists motioning for me to sit on that horrid hard dentist chair. The only warmth from this place are those little crinkles in the corners of the dentists's eyes as they presumably smile at me, voice muffled by the mask they're wearing.
Everytime as they probe and dig deep into my mouth and as I stare hard at the white light, my thoughts always wander to this exact slice of memory from my childhood.
My earliest memory of going to the dentist is when I was 6 or 7. I was clutching tightly to my grandpa's shirt from behind as we rode his old motorcycle to the dentist in town. I lived with my grandparents in a small town called Teluk Intan when I was young, and most of my childhood memory of travelling to places revolves around this rugged bike and clutching to someone's shirt from behind.
So I was clutching to his shirt, and I could hear my grandma yelling from the house as we rode down the tarred road. "Remember to not let her come back until the teeth are removed!" she'd yelled in Hokkien, loud and fierce. I was terrified of my grandma; we all were. She was the iron matron of the household. She was strong, big and abusive. She held the order that was much needed in a household of 5 young children.
I remember one time when I was 8, I had fallen down in school and my right knee was scraped quite badly. I wrapped it with tissue and hid it for days from my grandma, for I knew she would punish me if she'd known that I wasn't careful. My wound ended up terribly infected and is now a permanent 50-cents-sized scar on my knee.
If you thought the Tiger Mom was bad, you clearly have not met my grandma. She would cane us if we got anything less than 90% in school. She threw me out of the house once and I had to sleep in the darkness of the porch cos I was quarreling with my sister. My sister had it worse though, she was thrown into the dark alleyway behind the house instead. That was probably how she'd developed her fear for rats and roaches. We were no older than 5 or 6 at this point.
So I was at the back of the bike, choking back tears for I knew if my grandma had given such clear instructions, there was no way in hell that I could have escaped this. I contemplated jumping down from the bike and running into the abyss of the palm oil plantation, but I was scared of snakes and I was too much of a coward to make that jump. I would've survived though, since I was quite a chubby kid and my fats would've been quite a good buffer.
The remaining ride to town was painful and I felt that awful knot in my stomach tightening with each second. At the traffic light, I nudged my grandpa and told him I needed to poop. He either didn't hear me or had chosen to ignore me as he stared ahead, waiting for the light to turn green.
The butterflies in my stomach intensified as the big black and white sign of the clinic appeared in the horizon. I remember vividly how the interior of the clinic was lined with wooden linings on the walls, a typical decor in old 80s and 90s clinics in small towns. I would come to really hate this sight for the next 3 times I visited this clinic again.
We sat on the wooden bench in silence, my hands clasped nervously together. My grandpa's face remained stoic as I tried pleading one last time right outside the dentist's door as the nurse called me in. My grandpa is a man of few words and is often quite a grump, so I knew this would go nowhere.
That same bright light, that same uncomfortable chair. Blinking back tears, I stared deep into the light's soul as the dentist extracted 3 teeth. I could feel the blood oozing out before he jammed cotton pads wrapped with gauze in my mouth.
My grandpa patted my head when I came out and offered a slight smile, a rare gesture from a man that emotionless. The ride back home was a complete contrast to the one barely an hour prior. I didn't have to poop anymore and the knots in my stomach were gone, replaced with an overwhelming sense of pride for having gone through the worst ordeal of my 7 years of life. As the wind grazed my face and hair, I smiled and winced at the pain and smiled some more.
My grandma was very nice to me for days after that. She would cook porridge for me and diligently added Marmite into it for taste. She allowed me to stay 30 mins past bedtime so I could watch the TVB drama with her while my siblings and cousins had to go to bed. I remember thinking to myself, wow this is what being a grownup feels like.
This particular memory came back to me as I sat staring at the white light last week. This time, however, this memory was laced with bitterness and sadness. I'd received a picture from my mom last month of my grandparents. My grandad had to amputate both his legs last year and my grandma had to take care of him since. That big, strong person I'd once feared had disappeared completely, replaced with a sullen, pale -looking stranger with sunken cheeks, much skinnier and much older. Age is catching up with both of them, and I felt that griping pain in my chest when I thought of that man who'd patted my head, and that woman who'd fed me Marmite porridge.
20 years later, I'm still on that damned dentist chair, still fighting back tears but for a different reason now. I guess some things don't change… and some things do.]]>
A couple of days before 2014 ended, we moved into our new home! Well it's not exactly ours since we're just renting, but it's still extremely exciting for us as we embark on this new journey to be adults.
It's a pretty small place, just enough for the two of us, but we wanted somewhere where we'd feel comfortable and want to go home to. This place is pretty far from the city but has great facilities! Shops are really close by, we feel safe and just love everything to do with this place. Plus, it's brand new so we don't need to do tons of cleaning.
One huge sofa, one table, a bed, kitchen cabinet and a few shelves, and this place is all furnished!
It has a gym too..which I've yet to use. I really need to cancel my gym membership now..
Time to build our bookshelf..
Tada, and I did this almost single-handedly too! Super pleased with it cos it's only RM59 from Ikea " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> #elcheapoisback
The wardrobe was quite difficult to transport in a Myvi and took two days to assemble, but also very very happy with it cos it's only RM299. It's almost impossible to find a 3 door wardrobe for this price anywhere!
On NYE, we had our first group of visitors over to celebrate New Year! Thank you for coming all the way here despite the traffic Jammie, Kelvs and Hawa <3
Before the clock struck 12.
We wanted to watch the fireworks in Desa Park but we heard the traffic there was HORRIBLE. So we went downstairs and hoped that we'd be able to see it from here instead.
True enough…
TADA! Very lucky to get a clear view of the 8-min fireworks show!
No need to get stuck in traffic for hours, no need to wade through human traffic in an overcrowded place, no need to wait aimlessly making small talks. So happy T______T I love my new place T____T
The next day, we chilled at home talking about everything and nothing. Suddenly spoke about a business idea and this is Kelvs, who immediately sprung into action creating a business plan and pitching it to us. Lol so that's how we started our year.
We watched this indie film about multiple realities called "Coherence" projected on our wall after that. Movie started out slow but ended up being a surprisingly good film!
The pic is not of Coherence, it's the new Hindi film called PK staring Aamir Khan, which we had to stop halfway while watching cos the subtitle sucked so bad and I couldn't understand a thing. Need to start learning Hindi so I can be a true blue Indian woman.
☑ Worn saree (multiple times)
☑ Tied own saree (with youtube's help)
☑ Eat Indian food on a weekly basis
☑ Prayed at temples
☑ Celebrated Deepavali
☑ Watched most popular Hindi and Tamil films
☑ Can recite a few famous Rajinikanth quotes
☑ Watched a few Indian movies in theater
☐ Cooked Indian food
☐ Speak Tamil/Hindi
This is from today where Karthik made freshly-brewed coffee with our new coffee machine generously sold to us at a very good price from a blogger friend (thanks Jen!), and we spent all afternoon lazing around drinking coffee and listening to songs on Spotify.
I can't believe we're such adults now, living on our own and all that. It sometimes still feels very strange that I'm now in my late 20s. Can you believe it?? If you've been reading since I started blogging, can you believe that we're both (if you were presumably in your teens when you first started) in our late 20s??!?!?!
We've passed our quarter life crises, have completed our studies, have worked a few years, are at a marriageable age (HAH) and in a couple of years, will probably have kids :O :O :O I still feel so much like a kid, no idea how I can take care of more kids! (as much as I LOVE kids)
Funny how being an adult is so daunting, no matter how long I've been an adult.
I think the scariest part is having the freedom to decide how I want to live my life. When I was younger, it didn't quite matter how I want to live my life, since I feel like I have tons of opportunity to change things around. Now that I'm close to being 30, every day seems so..important. It's like if I don't choose wisely how I spend my days now, I'll never get those days back ever again and my life will remain unaccomplished and mediocre forever.
Ok I need to restructure my thoughts around this better before I write them out so it doesn't sound so bleak and sad haha. Why am I always still at a soul-searching phase?? How come it doesn't ever end!
Anywayyyyyy I'm going to start the year the healthy way by going for a swim now, hope you'll have a great 2015 ahead!
From the both of us
This year, I'm anticipating a thousand times more "So when are YOU getting married??" questions. How dreadful T__T You'll find out when we send you a card, asking that question just makes everyone feel awkward…..
And having been to so many weddings this year, I don't think I'll ever be ready. There's way too much pressure so if I ever do get married, I'll invite 100 people at most! Oh wait I haven't talked about my sister's super small and intimate wedding. Maybe in the next post!
The not so good news is I HATE being cooped up at home. On the extroversion scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being someone who literally needs to talk in her sleep cos she can't stand silence and needs to be around people so much it's creepy, I'm probably like a very strong 9. I need to be surrounded by sights and sounds all the time that it's annoying. Plus, I seriously DO talk in my sleep hahahah
So I've been home recovering all day yesterday and today I'm out despite still sneezing and coughing. Typing this in yet another hipster cafe cos I'm cool like that wtf. So tempted to have latte but forced to drink chamomile, which is equally as expensive T__T
Also, the exciting news is, we're moving to a new home soon
p.s: FINALLY, 4 years later, I've finally updated my About page. You can read it here.]]>
Alright enough work for today, time to take a break and start blogging tomorrow. I took 5 days of leave just to get rid of my 230801 accumulated leave days so now I don't know what to do with all this free time! In fact, I was on leave today but still went to work half day cos I have sucky work-life balance hahaha. Aud said I should REALLY start blogging again (she's said this to me everytime we met this year……) so I thought I'll REALLY do it this time.
Merry Christmas everyone and have a great break from your daily routine! Stay tuned for more updates tomorrow]]>
Now it'll collect dust and rot in the splendour of the old sweatlee.com with all its memories again lol]]>
Two weeks ago I went to Chile for work! I've never ever set foot in Latin America before so I was seriously quite nervous about it. Plus, I traveled alone so the thought of me going to a completely foreign land whose language I don't speak AT ALL (well…I kinda know how to count from 1-10 in Spanish..) and whose culture I know nothing of really scared me.
I really thought it was going to be like Mexico with reigning drug lords everywhere and I had to be extra vigilant at all times. Also, watching Breaking Bad and any American TV show did not help at all..
Chile was completely different from what I had expected! And well, I was at the capital, Santiago, so things might be quite different elsewhere.
Let me post tons of pictures!
This was in the plane, duh hahah
Since I was flying alone, I tried SO hard to get upgraded to business but to no avail. Googled up tips and all but none of them worked also " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> Was extra friendly to everyone, wore a bit more professional-looking clothes, kept mentioning that "I'll be more than happy to switch seats if the need arises" *wink wink*, nothing worked!! Gah so I had to endure the 32 hour flight in economy class " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />
Yep, it was really 32 freaking hours. From here to Qatar, then to Brazil and finally to Chile. I was a zombie when I arrived T__T
Good news is the flight was so long I had time to win 2048, finally! This is after I watched all the movies available like 3 times or something. So happy I finally won but couldn't tell anyone so had to silently pump my fist in the air in triumph wtf. I've been trying for a month or so ok!
This is from the morning after I arrived! One of the best parts of my trip is the weather in Chile! It was averaging at 15-20 celcius when I was there, PERFECT scarf and tights weather!
When I walked around, I was so shocked to find that the city looks soooo European! The cobbled streets, the architecture, the buildings! It was a really pleasant surprise so I spent the whole first day just walking around allll day till I collapsed.
I think I also lost like 2kg from the first day cos I barely ate. Everything was in Spanish so it was pretty hard to order anything! So I ended up just eating empanada (like a giant curry puff) and starved.
I also hiked up two hills and walked for 8 hours or something!
Eh damn weird, in Chile, I saw tons of dogs lying all over. On the streets, on the hill, in the subway etc. The dogs here are either super lazy, very chilled, or just plain drugged. And they're all really big dogs too! This, and the fact that couples are always making out all the time everywhere! hahaha makes the Asian in me blush so much. Felt a compulsive need to stand around them to cover them from other people wtf
So I was huffing and panting after climbing halfway and was going to give up climbing to the top. Then I saw these two old ladies coming down and asked them if the view from the top was worth it. Without a hint of running out of breath, they said yes it's lovely up there. I was so embarrassed so I quickly walked up and almost passed out climbing the stairs. And guess who I saw up the hill?
More old people! And a few families with babies and small kids! Sigh this Malaysian is so fail! That's cause we don't walk enough I think compared to them. Or it's just me who's super unfit…. *wails
Well they were right, the view IS much better up here!
That's the glorious Andes mountains at the back! Perfect backdrop. Give it a few weeks and it'll be snowing so it'll be much prettier!
Then I went to their Art Museum but was bored out of my mind cos it was super uninteresting.
The most interesting thing I saw is this statue of a breastfeeding mom which reminded me of Audrey cos that's all she does these days wtf
The next day, I went to this really quaint hillside coastal town called Valparaiso! I didn't want to go in the beginning since it's like 1.5 hours away, but really glad I went..which you can tell why from these pictures.
This entire town is filled with graffiti! Not all are as pretty as this, but a good 70% are!
Picaso art on one of the houses.
So artsy fartsy lah this whole place, wish I had more than a day here. Also got to hear locals sing Besame Mucho, love this place!
In one of those really old trams that go around the town.
We joined this free tour (had to pay tips only) that had a guy dressed like Wally! Highly recommend this tour as we got to see the less touristy part of the town.
Yep this entire town is on the hills…..Can't imagine if I live all the way at the top, though there are furniculars/trams that you can take up.
This picture is obviously not taken with my iphone. Karthik had this brilliant idea when I asked him if I should bring my bulky camera. He said if I wanted to bring it to take pictures of scenery, don't bother cos the professionals would have taken whatever pictures I want to take and they would have done it better than I could. So I should just enjoy the moment and look for the pictures on google image.
No wiser words have ever been spoken. Truth is, I don't take great pictures and am always too lazy to use my camera if I have my phone with me anyway.
But yeah, this is how pretty this town is!
And then I spent the next 4 days in the conference!
Serious Suet in serious work clothes.
Didn't take a lot of pictures during the conference (and I'll spare you the details of it, plus it's almost 12am and I'm really spent from work….) so I'll skip to the last day where I had some time to walk around!
Also, back to wearing my favourite fall-weather outfits
Ate seafood at Mercado Central, their fish market! Honestly wasn't all that impressed. Food here has been quite a disappointing fare, sadly.
Ooh I was very lucky to have witnessed the annual marathon here! Pretty big deal and everyone was on the street encouraging the runners so I joined along. Shouted "vamos! vamos!" along with everyone without knowing what it means. Think it probably means Come on! or go on! or something. Surprising how fun it was to stand at the finishing line and watch the runners weep in joy!
Also happened to find out that a college friend of mine, Zilin, lives in Chile! Met up with her for coffee and this really intense cake and spent quite a while reminiscing our time in college. Sigh, we are that old! Quite lucky to cos she speaks fluent Spanish so I finally could get around the city with ease! Also bought tons of wine and stuff from the grocery store with her help!
Alright I guess that's the end of my trip to Chile. I got back safe and sound though I did experience my first ever earthquake there!
So on my second day, there was a huge 8.2 earthquake in the north of Chile. I didn't even know it happened until I went on Facebook and people were asking me if I was ok. So Chile is a super long country and the quake actually happened 2000km away from Santiago, where I was.
But on the 4th day, while I was going to fall asleep, I felt the aftershock of the quake! I was honestly super psyched! The photo frames rattled, the window vibrated, the bed shook, and my heart was beating so hard in excitement hahaha!
The first thing I did was of course to post this on Facebook and then went to sleep. Woke up to find that my family and friends were so worried after seeing my status and couldn't contact me cos I was asleep hahaha. Some more I had a pretty nice dream and was oblivious to all this drama to make sure I was okay.
OH this is the best best part of the trip. Guess what?? I didn't wash my hair at all the entire time I was there. Let's see…around 8 days? HAHAHAH I'm so gross, somemore so proud of it! But it's not humid at all there and check out how voluminous my hair was!
Ok the end! Super long post I'm so proud of myself ^___^
(But also REALLY REALLY sad that all my pictures from 2009 – 2012 are ALL GONE. 3 years worth of pictures man! That's cos I used to use zooomr and it's dead now, along with all my pics T_____T)]]>
Speaking of motivation, I started something last week. So you see, this is the context. Ever since I became a teacher, I've been piling on weight like nobody's business. I also found out that I have super high cholesterol (trust me, higher than anyone I've ever known) and my metabolic rate is so low that my food takes a week to digest or something ridiculous like that T___T
So I started cutting carbs from my life (only allow myself 50g a day) to see what happens. I've been eating normally before this (and if you know me, you'd know that my normal is below an average person's meal portion), and I'm STILL putting on weight which baffles me to no end. I realize that if I want this to be successful, I need to announce my new diet plan to everyone I know. This is most commonly known as a commitment device, and since my reputation is on the line, I'd have no choice but to stick to it.
Except that unfortunately, in Msia, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to have a low carb diet. The other day, everyone wanted to go to the noodles shop and I had no choice but to drink fishball soup and almost starved to death mid-day. Went to check my weight at the end of the week, guess what? gained 0.6 kg. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFffffff
But I'm sticking to this and upping my exercise routine (from once a week to hopefully 3 times a week….soon lol).
Anyway, on a completely 180 degrees unrelated note, I've been very obsessed about the MH370 mystery. In the beginning, I was crazily disturbed by it since a few of my colleagues actually are close friends with someone on the plane and she also works in our next-door office. We had an interfaith prayers the other day and almost everyone had wet eyes by the end of it.
So for the past week at work, I've been refreshing my twitter feed every 3 mins or so, hoping to finally hear something come out of it. Not only nothing positive did, things are starting to get more and more bizarre everyday that it's painful to read anything on the news anymore. The worst blow is when the pilot is connected to Anwar and it was insinuated everywhere that he did it as a political revenge.
Horrible on all fronts. What if he didn't, and he either comes back to see that the entire country turned against him, or to have everyone doubting and blaming an innocent man? If he did, we are in no position to make that judgment based on some weak statement by "an unidentified official" or his "friends". It always always comes back full circle to Anwar doesn't it? How terribly creative.
Seriously, after spending so many years in solitary confinement patiently, and finally getting a chance to fight for what's right and being pushed back by the ruling coalition over and over again, to getting sentenced another 5 years yet again – and now this.
As an agnostic, it's very difficult for me to pray to nothing but I really sincerely hope that 1. this has nothing to do with politics , 2. that they are all safe somewhere awaiting rescue, and while they're waiting, they have been feasting on delicious food in an island somewhere and living in oblivion to the chaos that has befallen our country, and 3. that we remain united and steadfast in our strong support for each other in this difficult time, and will not let anyone, especially not our "leaders" and media divide us further.
It's really such a pity that I had to write a whole paragraph to justify why I'm blogging, but it just feels so weird to be writing again after 2 whole months of not doing so. I'm sure those of you who are now taking time off blogging will know exactly how I feel. You know, blogging has consumed a large part of my life since I've been blogging since I was 16, and it's so funny that I couldn't care much about it now. And when that decline has begun, it's extremely hard to want to do it regularly again
Anyway, what's up everyone? It's been a pretty good year for me so far, with my new job and new office and somewhat new life. I'm no longer teaching, no longer traveling back and forth for hours every week to my rural school, no longer living in a completely different environment, and honestly, it does take some getting used to now that I'm finally living in KL for the first time in a very long time (4 years in the US, 2 years in Jelebu)
You know, I don't even know what to blog about anymore! Last time, I could talk about anything I want because I was a student and had no restrictions. Then, I could talk about my experiences as a teacher cos it's super exciting and I had tons to share. But now that I'm an average person, who is a working professional so can't be as stupid and silly as before, I really don't know what to talk about anymore.
That's one of the biggest reasons why I've stopped, but I'm going to try starting again, one step at a time. I actually really love to write, and ever since I've stopped, there's this lingering sense of emptiness trailing behind me and I feel like there's no way to get rid of that until I actually start writing again.
So yeap, I guess this is a start I'm so serious about this that I'm literally putting it down in my weekly goal – to blog at least once every week! Once I start, I'm sure the writing mojo will come flying back!
I finally have my long hair back again! After 4 years of cutting my hair super short, the day is here]]>
2013 had been an amazing year, and I dare say, the best year I've ever had in my 25 years of life. I went through a tremendous amount of ups and downs in that one year alone, and I feel like I've overcome and accomplished the most in that year. I've dug out a lot of pictures to talk about my 2013!
I started cooking a lot last year cause I found out that I have high cholesterol (7.6 – normal is below 5.0, this is considered dangerously high). I had a shock of my life when the doctor said I will get my first heart attack when I'm 40 if I don't take care of myself. So yeah I started cooking, eating healthier and exercising. The latter has failed miserably though T___T
In March, my choral speakers showed me that determination and passion were more important than the trophy. This year we didn't win the championship despite working crazily hard but we went home very happy indeed. My kids never ceased to make me very proud
I found ways to better manage my challenging class. I started reading to them story books and they really enjoyed it!
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Had my second teacher's day where this kid who never paid attention in class surprised me with a gift. He also told me that he came that day just so he could give me the gift, and that he wrote the note himself.
Wept in class for the first time in 2013 and it was the hardest I've ever cried in class/school. A kid I've put a lot of effort and faith in told me to go to hell after a particularly difficult day in class. I lost my cool and punished everyone by making them write essays after essays. I later said sorry to a few good students and a girl wrote this back to me.
I feel like I failed this particular student though, since shortly after she left school and never came back. She'd lost interest because she kept falling further and further behind and I couldn't do anything to help her. I lost a lot of my kids this way and it made me lose faith in a lot of things.
Sat in class alone for hours just thinking of the fate of my students and thinking and rethinking of different ways to help them. This is the place where I've learned the art of reflection.
Started a reading program where I fundraised RM 10,000 to get thousands of books for my students!
Found little joys that continued to give me strength to go to school with zest and optimism everyday.
Wore a saree for the first time!
Wore a tudung for the first time too! Haha
Met the most beautiful baby in the world and discovered how much this tiny being has changed my best friend's life.
Also discovered how much my boyfriend loves babies
For my birthday this year, my students pretended to ignore me THE ENTIRE DAY and got me so sad before they surprised me with a cake during extra class!
We also worked really really hard, for days and nights, for their PMR.
Brought my kids to KL for the weekend and was so humbled by their genuine appreciation for everything in life.
Fighter grew to become a happy chubby healthy baby
Was given the opportunity to be featured in a documentary on my life as a teacher!!!!
Did a play with my kids, which was the most strenuous and challenging thing ever especially when the kids don't speak English AT ALL. But they did it!! Super duper proud of them!
My kids helped me pack and I bade farewell to them and the school, the people and place that had taught me so much more than I'd expected.
Also said goodbye to the books that all my readers have donated to me. THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT GUYS!!!! <3
Said a very difficult goodbye to a student I've had the privilege to work with (he was the conductor in my choral speaking team and was the sole reason why we'd won so many times). I'm mocking him here for crying cause I don't want to cry myself haha. He sobbed really hard when saying goodbye to me and my heart broke and I knew I'd be in such a gooey mess too.
Went to the paddy field for the last time ever and teared thinking of my two years here. I never knew how attached I'd grow to this place and how much I'd love a place so different from what I'm used to and so far from my own comfort zone.
Went to Cambodia for the first time and really loved it!
Saw myself crying on TV hahaha not very flattering!
Went back to school to see my kids when they get their PMR results. They did really well!! (though we didn't reach our big goal, but we really did aim for the stars!) This year, we got the most number of As in English in the history of my school, ever!!!
That's all for my 2013. It's been an amazing year and I have so many people to thank for making it so awesome.
Thank you to my parents and friends for believing in me, thank you to Karthik for without him I couldn't have gone through these two difficult years, to my students for showing me how to love unconditionally, to my readers for the constant encouragement, to everyone out there who had donated me books, stationery, printer, projector, postcards and money and had strengthened my faith in humanity, to Teach For Malaysia and my school for the opportunity to make a difference, and to all teachers out there who continue to persevere and labor their love day after day for years!
I'm so thankful I chose to start this chapter in my life and although I will no longer be teaching as of now, I know for a fact that this is a chapter I will never close and will get back to writing in the near future.
Happy new year everyone!]]>
Anyway, while I was away, the documentary came out! THANK YOU SO MUCH to people who watched it that day!!!! But I know a lot of people will not have the opportunity to watch it since it's on a weekday night so here's the link to watch it online:
(It'll probably link you to the homepage if you're using your phone, so search for magseven and it's titled "episode 39, magseven 2013")
Unfortunately, I can't upload the video on youtube due to copyright issues, so you'll have to watch it on tonton.my. The sucky part is you'd have to sign in but you can use my account if you want! (username: sweatlee, pswrd: sweatlee)
Tell me what you think of it! Some parts' voiceover are done in the studio so it sounds a bit different. And yes, don't have to tell me I look fat and have a lot of pimples, I'm aware of that! For some reason, people think I don't know and find it crucial to point them out wtf. I barely have time to put on makeup for this T___T REALLY not easy to be a teacher.
Alright I hope you'll like it! And I'm really happy that all the students featured here did really well for their PMR too!!]]>
Honestly I've been super stressed up about this since the filming took about two weeks (spanned over a few different months) and already I was super busy in school. But I'm glad I did it cause it pushed me to try harder for my kids and of course I could also use it as an incentive.
"Do better cause you'll be on TV! Do you want your family and friends to see you not putting in your absolute best??" and it REALLY worked!
It'll be shown on NTV 7, 7.30 pm, next Tues 10 DEC. The promo is out for it too!
I won't be here next week (going to Cambodia for a week!!) so let me know how it goes
p.s: yes I cried A LOT during filming hahaha. Emotional lah this teacher.
p.p.s: please ignore my fat face and pimples T__T]]>
So as you can see, my blog is under a huge spam attack! Every post has HUNDREDS of comments now, mostly spam. There are posts with THOUSANDS of comments!! Wah such a popular blogger huh now. People who are here for the first time would think I'm a super big shot. Talk about teaching also can get 1030 comments wtf
Anyway, I'm changing my entire comment system to Disqus to prevent spam now and sadly, it would wipe out ALLLLLLLLLL my precious comments from my entire blog. It was a really hard decision to make since I really REALLY value all my readers' comments very much. In fact, I hardly care about page views but the number and quality of comments are very important to me.
But after I found out that even my readers who left comments are getting spammed too, I guess I had to do it.
Disqus is awesome cause you can like comments too!
So I hope you like this brand new start to my blog! And I'm also going to be moving towards more posts unrelated to teaching too, so yeap, a new start!]]>
I miss my blog! And my readers! (anyone still reading? haha)
Truth is I really really want to start blogging actively again but you know what happens when someone stops exercising for a long time, they just get super lazy. Even when I'm relatively free now because of the school holidays, I much prefer just posting on facebook/instagram instead.
BUT! I want to blog more often again since having them on here is a much better archive than on other social media platforms. So here goes!
It's been a pretty crazy month since I last blogged. In fact it's been a SUPER crazy two years since I last blogged actively (a post a month doesn't quite summarize how it had been). I've fallen so much that my knees are all scraped and bruised now, but I've also been picked up by numerous people along the way that has made this journey more tolerable for me.
So let's see, where do I begin? I think I'll start slowly, by posting bit by bit on things I've been wanting to talk about. I've even thought of writing more personal stuff so I'll put them in protected posts and send the passwords to those who subscribed last time! But scared they don't read my blog anymore and I'll be spamming people >.>
I started the above three days ago and got distracted by things and forgot to continue T___T HOW lah like this.
I was mainly distracted by this:
Haih so cute how to abandon him to blog instead?? Since I'm so free, I've been camping at Aud's place to help take care of baby Jude (aka Fighter) and he's become soooo adorableeeee! He now knows how to stare at you with big round adoring eyes and knows how to smile to melt all your worries away!
Speaking of adorable, let me tell you about the time I brought two of my students home for the weekend! Actually I feel so lazy talking about it on my blog cause I've already talked about it on my facebook/instagram/twitter. How to feel semangat to blog with the existence of bite-sized social media??
Anywayyyy, so I've always wanted to do this before I stop teaching. Early in the year, I told the kids that one of the rewards for doing well and showing improvement in class is a trip to KL and I'm glad that my mentor, Sawittri, organized an outing for us so that I finally have a reason to bring the kids back!
Honestly, I REALLY didn't want to do so at first. Of course it'll be nice for the kids but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was ready to mix my kampung cikgu and my urban city girl's lives together. I'd have to bring them back to stay in my house for 3 days and they'd follow me everywhere you know!
But I'm so glad I did it because I know for a fact that they will remember this for life.
First of all, it's because I chose the two students who have NEVER been to any city before, much less KL. They both come from challenging backgrounds and are still one of my best students ever. One of the girls' family cannot even afford spending RM 46 for school trips so all 7 siblings have never been to KL before. When I told them about this trip, they couldn't sleep for nights (reported by their families hahaha) and were so excited!
This is when they got to my house and I gave them ice cream. They spent the next 30 mins or so just watching the pool and commenting on everything that's happening. SO ADORABLE LIKE CRAZY!
You know, coming from the city and from a more privileged background, I don't think I've met anyone quite like these kids. Not just these two girls but most of my kids in general. They are extremely extremely respectful, caring, helpful and humble. Everytime I think about them, I always feel like I'm the one who is so incredibly lucky to have met them.
We went to 1utama that night with my family and walked around!
The next day, we went to FRIM for jungle trekking! Not really anything new for them since the jungle to them is like a "kebun" behind their houses hahaha
Then we had scrumptious food at Hotel Armada! It's their first time at a buffet so it was really overwhelming at first. Doesn't help that I forced them to try food like pasta (hated it), sushi and wasabi (they almost puked lollll), and mint ice cream (TEACHER why the ice cream got angin?? HAHAHA)
But I think they did enjoy getting to eat as much as they want I know I did *glutton wtf
Then we went to the TFM office in KL Sentral!
"WOW teacher, your office can see the whole city! We want to work here when we are adults too!"
You have no idea how much I want you to be able to do that too when you grow up..
We went to KLCC next using the LRT and it was my kids' first time on a train. They were very very impressed and it made me feel sad a little that I hardly use the train now and always resorted to driving instead.
I'm like their paparazzi lol.
Made them order the drinks on their own (in English!) if they want me to pay for it.
Finally, the magnificent KLCC!
We had dinner at the food court (cause I'm quite broke haha) but wow, I didn't expect my kids to enjoy it that much. They couldn't stop raving about the sizzling noodle and the variety of food and it just made me feel like I've really taken things for granted these days.
Heck, the whole trip was such a humbling experience for me honestly.
When I asked the kids how was their sleep, the first thing they said was how comfortable and nice the mattress is.
When I asked them what their favourite part of the trip was, they said they loved walking around the mall and eating ice cream with my family.
When I offered to buy them gifts, the first things they bought are all for their families first. And then they didn't want to get anything for themselves to help me save money.
Where to find kids like this these days??
Around 10 pm, after 14 hours of being out, I asked the kids if they were tired.
"No lah teacher, I usually sleep at 1 am!"
"Yeah I sometimes sleep at 3 am you know!"
Barely 3 minutes into our car ride home, they fell into a deep slumber all the way till we reached home hahahha
The next day when we had to leave to go back to our village, they were SO SO SO sad and promised they'll come back here again and will study really hard. I have complete faith that they will not let me (and themselves) down
In my next post, I'll talk about my last trip to my village and the whole week of farewell with my kids (super emotional one haha). Stay tuned wtf]]>
This boy is pretty good in English but he is so super stubborn and refused to do homework for the two years I've taught him. He slept in class, was never on task and ignored my consequences. When asked, he said he just doesn't care that much about English.
The crumpled paper on the left was submitted by him a few months ago, after much force and as you can see, he did it very grudgingly.
I don't know what I did or why he suddenly turned around, but he finished his homework for the first time last month and when I read it, it was actually really good! I read it out in class and was all praises when he finally admitted that he used google translate.
Well….the fact that he even cared enough to google translate was enough for me. T___T (tears of joy)
But things started getting better! I told him I know he can write it well even without help and the week after, he submitted his essay (the one in the middle, written in pencil) and proudly announced to the class that he didnt use google translate this time!
I corrected it immediately and told him I'll use it to put in the showcase file for this class, but I need him to correct it first and rewrite it in pen. Give it to me next week, I said. No, I'll give it to you tomorrow, he said.
True enough, tada! I got it the next day. I read it a little; it was flawless and beautiful and was written so neatly and look at that amount of words!!!! Tears were streaming inside me but when he gave it to me, I said coolly, "I hope there are no silly mistakes this time"
To which he replied, "if there are I'll rewrite it right now"
T__________T *clouds parting *birds singing *harps playing in the background
I swear I died and went to heaven right at that moment. But of course I had to stay alive so I can write about it here wtf
Why oh why did you wait two years to do this?? Right before I leave?? *holds his shoulders and shakes him for answer
But I know exactly what his reply would be. "Better late than never, teacher"
(To clarify, I've used all kinds of techniques with this kid. Affirmation, praises, calling home, home visits, disciplinary punishments, serious talks about future, begging on knees, kind words etc, NOTHING has ever worked. But then again, it could be a combination of all these that finally worked. Gosh I don't know, it's so hard to tell sometimes with kids! I just hope he keeps this up)
Behold, a sight never before seen in the history of this class and for as long as I've taught them (2 yrs). They were all seated, participated in the activities and completed all the work on the board! I told them I'll take a picture to keep as proof that they too can be successful.
They felt happy that they are now "good" students, but what they don't know is how incredibly far they are from where they need to be. Two years on, I'm still using standard 3 exercises for them and they STILL can't do them. No amount of colorful posters, engaging activities, interesting teaching aids, house visits or incentives have helped push them forward.
I now have a month left with them and though I still have hope that I can still push them a little tiny bit more (if they continue to behave), I know realistically that I've failed to close the gap for them.
I know Rome was not built in a day, but I had no idea coming in that it would be this incredibly difficult. We're constantly working in an environment where there are just so so so many factors preventing these kids from succeeding.
Feels like i'm trying to get birds to learn how to swim, upstream, with sharks and crocs everywhere, only to realize that I too, don't know how to swim myself.
I'm so close to the end, and yet I'm still an eternity away from any real success with them.
p.s: I know this post is a little depressing, but I wanted to paint the most accurate picture of how I feel/how things are. Things are not always inspiring and hopeful, in fact, I feel mostly useless and unaccomplished most times. Le sigh.]]>
How do we know if we've even made a difference?
The issue of impact measurement is very real, because what's the point of us working so hard when we can't even quantify to anyone what we have done?
Sadly, I'm feeling incredibly depressed these days because my kids who will be taking PMR this year did not do very well in their trials. In fact, their results dropped SIGNIFICANTLY for their trials. Granted, the questions are more difficult, but that's still no excuse for them to not do well.
I've been thinking and rethinking this question of impact again and again. I promised myself and the kids that if we work hard enough, we will reach our target. Our target is 20 of the 32 students in that class will get A for PMR English. This is a super duper big goal because there had only been 4/5 As in English so far every year in the history of my school.
As of right now, we only have 1 student who has been consistently getting an A in English. ONE. And I'm aiming for TWENTY. *nervous chuckle
So in terms of quantifiable data, I guess I have none whatsoever to show that I've been a useful contributing member of the school. My weak kids are still weak, my good kids are still not great. I can literally feel the scalding of the judging look in every teacher's eyes in the school.
"Why is this girl so silly, working so hard making beautiful posters and staying late giving extra classes when she has achieved no progress at all in their results?"
But today, my hope in myself is somewhat renewed.
I know I've achieved little to nothing in terms of quantifiable results, but I'd like to think that some of the impact I've made that can hardly be quantified are what's most important. These are things that I cannot put in charts and graphs to show how much progress my kids have shown, or things that I cannot sell in my interview with future employers.
But essentially, these are things that keep me going on painful days, and things I will remember forever when reminiscing my days as a teacher.
One of the values that I really want my kids to internalize is the importance of having big dreams. When I first met my kids, they can never articulate what their dreams are to me. To them, getting 8As in PMR is important because..well..it's just good to get a lot of As. They can't tell me why the As is a ticket out for them, or why the pursuit of knowledge in itself is incredibly valuable.
After the poor exam results, I got them to write about their big dreams again and to write why getting this A is important in achieving their dreams.
Most of them could articulate very easily what their big dreams are, and I'm glad they've been quite specific as opposed to just writing "I want to find a good job" or "I want to be a doctor".
I've also had people coming to speak to them about what they can do, hence the Oxford University! (Thanks Melissa!)
(sorry please excuse their grammar/spelling errors)
The best part are these notes.
Last week, I got them to write about their dreams for the children of Malaysia. At first they were like "hahhh dreams againnnn!" But once they started writing, they got so into it! Here are some of the most inspiring ones:
This kid is super amazing. Notice that he wrote at the bottom: PMR Victim, Edy (his name). HAHA!
Love how they kept asking the kids to dream big
Can't believe she still remembers the video I showed them after coming back from India!
This is my absolute favourite. My job is done here!
After realizing that it's very incredibly difficult to see huge progress in their exam results, mainly due to me being an inexperienced teacher and the circumstances, I'm so glad that they've taken something from me in my two years teaching them. I hope they never ever forget the value of education and will continuously pursue knowledge when I'm no longer there.
Other things that make me very happy:
Kids preparing the board for me even before I came into class. The standard stuff Teacher Suet Li always writes: Day and date, agenda of the day, WARNING board, and kids who are absent.
Love my kids! (only when they're not naughty heh)
But here she is, patiently teaching her 8 year-old sister how to read one of the books donated by you guys. She herself probably could only read a third of the words in the book, but the confidence in her voice was remarkable. I still can't believe that happened and I really really REALLY hope that even if the books may not be able to change Jaya's literacy level right now, it will help change her sister's.
One small tiny step at a time! #oneday
Before the holidays, tons of kids came over to get books from my mini library! THIS SIGHT MADE ME CRY TEARS OF JOY!!!!
Postcards from all over the world Keep them coming guys! My kids love reading about different parts of the world and your short inspiring stories!
Unrelated to teaching but I went rock climbing for the first time during the holidays! It was a lot more challenging than I'd imagined it to be but so much fun!
That's all for today's (or this month's, haha) update. I have tons of other stuff to write about but shall pace myself so I have more materials to blog more often.
p.s: I already got a job for next year! Will not be talking about it too much for now but yays!
p.p.s: I have a MASSIVE surprise to share but will not be sharing it now until it's somewhat been confirmed. YAYS! (super anticlimatic hahaha)]]>
I never thought I'll face this moment again this year, but…today, I crumbled. Every part of me shattered into a million pieces at the start of class and I couldn't glue them back even till after the bell rang.
I entered my challenging class today with so much enthusiasm because I've prepared hard for it and I know that despite it being the last two periods, I WILL succeed today.
Barely 10 mins in, everything started falling apart. They kept talking and interrupting my lesson and after I told them that we will do some fun activities with the newspaper, they said they don't want to do anything but sleep. I was mad but tried encouraging them further anyway.
"Ala teacher leave us alone! stop making us do anything!"
That was the last straw for me.
I took all the newspapers, walked out and threw them in the trash can. Students stopped talking and stared at me nervously. I took my mahjong paper filled with pictures and colorful papers out from the board very dramatically, folded them slowly and put them back in my box *dramaqueen
Then, what transpired next was probably the longest hour of our lives. I just wrote and wrote essays after essays on the board for them to copy. My chalk finished and I went to the next class to borrow some and continued writing. That's what other teachers do and if they don't want to enjoy my class filled with simple fun activities then I'll do the same too.
Kids began complaining and whenever they did, I wrote their names under WARNING and they immediately kept quiet. All 28 kids wrote three 200-word essays in silence till the bell rang, all but one boy.
Before letting them go, I've calmed down so I told them that if they don't want to learn the nice way next time, it'll be essay time again. Most of them apologized for their behaviors and left.
I told that boy who slept through the class to stay behind to do the essays. He said no he won't. I pulled a chair and sat next to him "I won't leave till you do". Then, nonchalantly, he took his bag from me and walked out of class while muttering "don't waste my time".
Dumbfounded, I choked back angry tears and just sat and stared at his empty book for 30 mins, wondering what else can I do with this boy whom I've put SO much effort in for months cause he's always been difficult. I started tearing because I know I've completely lost the battle with him. I give up, you win.
Then, I went to pack my things and saw this on a girl's desk. During the whole dictatorial copy-this-down stint, I'd slipped this note to students who were good and who wanted to learn. I felt so bad that they had to endure this because they didn't do anything wrong. She wrote this in reply and left it on her table for me to see.
When I saw it I just broke down like crazy and started crying and crying. I've already taught this class for almost two years and I'm leaving soon and I have no idea if they've learned anything from me. There are so many of them who wanted to learn but I've completely disappointed them today. Tears were just streaming down my face. Angry tears for my failures, sad tears for my kids' future, frustrated tears for my wasted efforts, and relieved tears for this girl who did not give up on me.
Seriously, how the hell did movies like Dangerous Minds and Freedom Writers make things look soooo easy??
Thank you Rekka, I will get through this for kids like you. #isokey
UPDATE: At 8pm the night after this incident, I had my first night reading session. Guess who showed up?
Yes. The boy who told me not to waste his time. He lives pretty far away and got his dad to send him anyway. He said he was just too tired in school and that he wants to learn now.
Sometimes I feel kids like you exist to make my life a living hell, but I know the truth is you have made me a stronger teacher and person. I remember when I first met you last year, with your big smile and eager eyes and you calling out for help every 5 seconds. And that moment when you excitedly waited for me by the road side with your pressed shirt and clean jeans for me to bring you back to read Peter and Jane together. You couldn't even read the first word in the first book, which was Peter, but remember how you tried and tried the entire night?
I also remember, very vividly, you coming into my house stinking of cigarette smell in your breath and the look of defiance in your eyes when I nagged at you. But you kept coming anyway and you kept trying to read book 1A.
We made little to no progress last year and this year seemed to be getting worse for us. You started acting out in class, crawling on the floor to disrupt the lesson and you screaming your high-pitched voice. I know you never meant to hurt my feelings and I know you know I still care for you because you would do my work if I paid you one-on-one attention, but somewhere along the line, we both knew we were not getting anywhere.
Honestly, I was really so close to giving up on you. But last week, you were one of the very few boys from your class who came during Teacher's Day. Shocked, I asked you why you came, and you said "saya datang nak jumpa teacher". Then you, you little rascal you, waited for everyone to leave and took out a box wrapped with crumpled giftwrap and gave it to my shyly.
The thought of you sitting down wrapping the gift the night before, the thought of you finding ways to write that note IN ENGLISH, the thought of you cutting out that heart and pasting it carefully on the note, all that in contrast with thoughts of me wanting to give up on you.. just breaks my heart.
Dear Iqmal and the rest of the kids in that class,
I promise I will try harder each day and not give up on you. I will make you better people, even if you still can't read by the end of this year. You will believe in yourself because you know there was once a teacher who always believed in you. This last line will sound cheesy as hell, but the reason why I'm on this path now is to be taught the meaning of humility, patience and grit by people like you.
"Teacher I ask two questions. Can I help carry the box and may you marry me?"
Sigh even after 2 years, they're still trying their luck hoping I'll eventually say yes some day. Oh well at least he spoke English!
p.s: i know i'm being lazy with my blog, but I've truly been super occupied lately. School holidays just ended and I spent half the holiday at the beach and the other half preparing for interviews.
yes, it's finally time to think about what I want to do after the fellowship! Sadly, I am not going to continue teaching in this current school I'm at now (due to many many reasons, nothing to do with my passion for teaching and the kids, obviously). The kids all know I'm leaving end of this year and have been giving me lots of excuses why I should stay. The best one is this:
"Teacher, I can't wait to see you pregnant!"
"You know, we see teachers go from being single to married to being pregnant all the time. I'm sad I can't see you pregnant. Will you stay here pleaseeee!"
Kids, sometimes I don't know how much my heart can take the love I have for all of you.
Anyway I'm still looking for other avenues related to teaching, especially with younger kids so if you know anything, let me know!]]>
Thing are going fine in school, not absolutely great but I'm doing slightly better than just surviving. I was marking my students papers and very very sadly, most of my classes did pretty poorly. Obviously, it's not any of my students' fault and I'm glad we still have a few months to work on our weaknesses before I leave.
Yeap, this is my last year teaching. The program is ending this year and unfortunately, I will not be continuing my career here in this school. I like it here, I like the students, the school, the community, but I just can't continue travelling so far and being away from home anymore. I know it's a weak and lame excuse, and I feel terrible for leaving.
I told my students to write a letter to their future teacher, the teacher who will be replacing me (hopefully there'll be one..). I told them to write anything they want and be sure to write a good one so I can use these letters to encourage people to come and teach them.
The results were something I didn't quite expect. Their letters were AMAZING, so filled with emotions and were very inspiring! I really hope that these kids will get an even better teacher next year because they totally deserve the best education despite being so far away from civilization.
Any beautiful woman wants to be this teacher's pet's teacher? Haha! He's actually one of the cheekiest boys in class, always interjecting my lessons with irrelevant (but funny) comments.
Can you expand her horizons for her? I can't believe the depth of these letters. All they really really need and want is someone who can show them what's out there, what lies ahead beyond their small village.
HE knows you can do it, come and guide them so you guys can create history together! These kids are 15 by the way.
They need someone patient and caring, someone who can show them English is important and can be exciting too.
Seriously, rereading these letters make me feel so bad for leaving and so terribly guilty because these kids are incredible. Of course, this job is challenging as hell but accepting the challenge has made me such a changed person.
Most of my students are at least FIVE years behind their grade level. These letters here are from my best class, and my four other classes can barely string a sentence together.
This is the results from my weakest class. I was devastated when I finished marking, and was really depressed for the entire day. But then I realized something. They ALL tried their best! Nobody left their papers empty, nobody scribbled nonsense or gave up upon seeing all these words they don't recognize.
Success doesn't come easily and seriously, when you're in this profession, you'll realize that what doesn't kill you REALLY does make you stronger.
Happy Teacher's Day to myself and to all you amazing teachers out there. I bow my head in respect for all the hard work you've put into making your students better people everyday without fail. I have the highest respect and admiration for teachers who remain positive and passionate even after being in this profession for many many years.
"Jika hari ini seorang Perdana Menteri berkuasa
Jika hari ini seorang Raja menaiki takhta
Jika hari ini seorang Presiden sebuah negara
Jika hari ini seorang ulama yang mulia
Jika hari ini seorang peguam menang bicara
Jika hari ini seorang penulis terkemuka
Jika hari ini siapa sahaja menjadi dewasa;
Sejarahnya dimulakan oleh seorang guru biasa
Dengan lembut sabarnya mengajar tulis-baca."
– an excerpt from Usman Awang's Guru Oh Guru
For my other classes, I can do a mediocre job planning and it'll still be fine but with THIS class, they'll slaughter me alive in five seconds flat if I come in unprepared. Sometimes I tell myself that I hate them so so much, and yet I know they are the ones I would go the greatest lengths for.
This class has a huge problem with motivation so today I thought I'll bring the world to them. We wrote an essay on our dream holidays last week and almost all of them wrote their dream holiday is to go Seremban or Malacca. They basically don't know where else they could go otherwise!
So today we looked at pictures of Paris, London, Egypt, the seven wonders of the world, Disneyland! the Aurora!, Hawaii! and while I got more and more excited when I talked about those places, the kids got less and less interested and more belligerent.
"Ala who cares about those places!"
"What is that mouse in front of Disneyland?? Why would I want to see a mouse??"
"Big Ben? Big Bodoh la!"
Honestly, I was super heartbroken la. First of all, I spent hours preparing for this lesson and felt like a fool standing in front getting all excited for nothing. But then it sank in. Of course they don't care, they don't even know what Mickey Mouse is!!!! They don't grow up watching western shows and reading about these places, so of course it meant nothing to them.
After like 30 mins of me basically trying to get them to be excited by masking my disappointment and maintaining my enthusiasm, they reluctantly started writing their letters on their dream holidays to Sawittri.
But what I did not see coming was while they worked on their letters, they started getting interested in those places. They started asking questions about Eiffel Tower, and how much would it cost to fly to London, and if Taj Mahal is really that beautiful, and teacher, best tak pergi Disneyland?
They came to my computer and started drawing the places in their letters and putting so much effort into making the Eiffel Tower more beautiful than it already is.
I was so close to giving up on them, and what they really needed was for me to be really REALLY patient and to show them what they've been missing out on. One day.. my kids will conquer the world and will then realize what their teacher was so excited about.
(I know sometimes I sound so positive in my long posts but in actuality my kids are still as challenging as always, stealing my cellotape when I was collecting their letters, throwing papers everywhere for this maid to collect and shouting like hooligans when I let them out of class..but I guess a little positivity won't hurt)
p.s: Loga's letter was the most impressive one. after getting the instructions, he took his chair and went to the furthest corner of the room to finish his letter. he pasted bits of TFM's logo (don't know where he got them from?!) and added so much stuff into his letter. SO PROUD CAN CRY.
I told my kids two lies today. Firstly, I have THREE massive pimples on my face (like seriously will eat your face up that kind) and to save myself the embarrassment, I told my kids that I went to see the doctor and he told me that if I get stressed more, more pimples will pop and I will eventually die. "Anyway, the doctor said I have a disease called pimplocitis and if I get angry or raise my voice, I'll get another pimple and if they finally cover my entire face, I'll…..die."
My kids got SO upset omg I feel so bad now. They were seriously well-behaved and kept trying to make me laugh hahahah
But I said all these with a straight face and immediately moved on with the other part. They finished their unit test last week and today I gave them their papers back. I only marked half, and gave them each a friend's paper and got them to finish marking.
After they've totaled the marks, I told them this: guess what? You'll be getting the marks of the paper you're holding now! So if the paper you marked got 50%, that's your mark which I will write in your report card.
I asked them if this arrangement sounds fair, and they immediately shouted no. Asked why, they said because "this is not our paper!!". I said: "Well because as a class, we must work together as a team. If your friend didn't do that well, shouldn't it be your fault for not helping him/her to begin with? Sounds fair to me.."
Their mouths dropped and they couldn't believe it. Then, out of the kindness of my evil heart, I said, "ok fine. if you're not happy with it, you can choose to get your own marks, but 5 marks will be deducted from it. You have to make this choice WITHOUT looking at your own marks first and once you made the choice, you can't go back and take this friend's marks"
For eg: Syafiq, who is holding Elly's paper (52%) can choose to take her marks or take the risk (depending on how confident he is of his own paper) and take his own paper back -5 marks.
With this arrangement, half of the kids chose to stick with their friends' marks while the other half still wanted their papers back. I finally realized the joke is getting too far (though it's quite a good lesson), and told them if they could give me a good reason for their decision (whatever it is), I'll grant them their wish.
A girl, full of confidence, said "teacher, I want my own paper because I worked hard for it and I'm confident I did well". Fair enough, so I gave her her paper back and she got her 80%.
A boy surprised me by saying "teacher I know I did well but I want whoever who has my paper to keep it, we'll just work harder together next time". He actually got 85% on his own paper, and the paper he was holding was 52%. T____T
After a while, I decided to just tell them that this is a joke. and that I'm not dying. They laughed and told me their hearts actually stopped beating for a while hahah.
But I'm actually quite serious about the working as a team part and I need my kids to be more confident of themselves!
"So….teacher…can I ask you a question? Are you still…dying?"
#dramaqueen #aprilfools]]>
It was also because I don't think I'd feel right serving underprivileged kids, only to drive the few minutes back to my comfortable suburbia house, back to the warmth of my welcoming comfort zone.
But…..barely a week into moving here, I've already started regretting it.
This place is perpetually filled with bugs, the water makes me sick and gives me rashes, I can't sleep at night for fear of being eaten alive by spiders, there is practically NOTHING here but two rows of shops, the nearest civilization (KFC) is 45 minutes away, and the list goes on and on.
My stomach is filled with dread so heavy it sinks the entire universe every time I have to drive back here, so much so that I've chosen to just drive back every Monday morning instead (waking up at 4.30a.m has taken its toll on me).
I remember how I kept finding excuses to go back too, despite the crazy tiring drive. Whoops I left my charger at home teehee I guess I have no choice but to go back midweek and leave this horrible place for the night!
Whoops I brought one less baju kurung, time to go home now!! Whoops "accidentally" left my students' books, must go get them!
And it went on like that for the rest of the year..
Along the way, I've completely forgotten why I chose to serve here. I've completely forgotten what I came here to see, to experience. And if I keep finding excuses to slide back into my bubble, I would have wasted my two years here.
I was reflecting on this as I was cycling around the paddy field the past few days, and truly for once, loving every moment of it. I came here to see and live the challenges the rest of Malaysia faces and I feel like I've failed myself by not gaining enough perspective before the year ends.
I realized that I can't hate this place because then, it defeats the purpose of me trying to change the lives of the people here. If I can't understand how they live, if I can't empathize with them since I don't try to live like them, then I'm in no position to decide what's better for these kids.
Never thought the paddy field, the goats, the smiles of the farmers and the laughter of kids running barefoot would give me such a humbling experience.
I came here to teach, and I'm taught so much more in return
So in an effort to win back my readers, I'm going to blog as often as I put pictures on instagram!! *cheers
Well I'm going to TRY my best since it's actually quite a lot of hassle to post at so many different places, but I will cos I'm still a blogger at heart
For this post, I'll post up a few of those I've already posted on fb with the same captions too.
March 5
"I try and try to no avail everyday, but I'll get up, dust the hurt and frustrations off my knees and try again."
Wrote this after a TERRIBLE class and I needed to motivate myself to get back up again.
March 6
"You can destroy the posters all you want, but I'm just gonna make some more #nevergivingup"
After the terrible class, I made a new poster of the rules/policies of our class since they tore down the previous one.
March 7
"I don't know what it was that made this super challenging class so amazing today – maybe cos I called the naughty ones out in assembly yesterday and they're all scared now, or the change in seat arrangement to sitting in groups and giving group points (they could never do this before), or the fairly interesting activities, or maybe just their current mood, OR even a combination of all the above – but I'll take whatever little or small successes I can get right now #smallsteps"
Tried out a few new things and surprisingly, that same crazy class went REALLY well that day!
March 8
"So glad that all the preparation for these centers paid off but still need to find ways to push my kids further and not rely on me too much!
Today I took the role of a cameraman in class, and told them that I'm not a teacher so they can't ask me questions and they will have to figure out the answers among themselves.
Still need lotsa work to get them to be more independent, but they really did try hard today *proud"
This was another class. Remember I spoke about incorporating values in class? This was me trying to instill the values of independence and teamwork in the lesson.
Okay these are just the teasers, I'll post more in a few days! (che wah got teasers some more hahah)
So last month, I had the amazing opportunity to attend a really awesome conference in India! It was a conference under Teach For All, so we got to meet all the other teachers under the Teach For programs from close to 26 different countries!!!
India was an eye-opening, heartwarming, breathtaking experience for me. Before I went, my boyfriend warned me that I will see and learn so much from India, and I'll experience the best and the worst of humanity there, so I was definitely quite prepared for it. I was very cautious with my food and drinks, and survived on trying to refrain from street food as much as possible (which was super hard for me).
we were very very fortunate to be able to stay in a REALLY awesome hotel. This hotel (Kempinski) just opened, and gave us a really good rate so it was truly a blessing
This is an autorickshaw, and was my absolute favourite thing ever! They don't really have taxis there, and the streets are packed with these. You can fit up to 4 people in here (sometimes even more, people will sit on laps etc) and it moves really dangerously on the streets, but definitely an incredible experience.
I was in the auto late one night, zipping around the streets of India with the wind blowing in my hair and the cacophony of chaos around me, and I looked up and saw the full moon shining brightly on to the messy landscape down below. That was when I realized that I've truly fallen in love with this country.
and all its amazing children!
I met some of the most wonderful children on this trip; all of them so bright-eyed and eager, so enthusiastic and full of live despite all the challenges they face.
This kid was explaining to me a project they did in the classroom, and he was so SO full of energy! I was just walking around when he came to shake my hand and to introduce himself *impressed
Teach For India has done such amazing things with their classes and is definitely an inspiration for all of us here too
and this is the ugly part of the country, which I was not quite prepared to see. Children begging everywhere on the streets, slums and slums painting the sidewalks, poverty staring blatantly at everyone.
It was hard to train myself to ignore the beggars but it was so hard when they are very young children with huge sorrowful eyes.
This is one of the classrooms we visited and it was amazing to see how possible it is to really change lives with a really good strong teacher.
And on our final day, we visited…..
The Taj Mahal!
What an incredible sight!
I mean, I've seen so many pictures of it before, but to see it with my eyes is a whole different experience. It was majestic and soooo beautiful too!
And the whole Malaysian delegate wore sarees that night! (i'm the one in light blue in case you've forgotten how I look like T__T)
I was really inspired by my India trip, and I came back feeling like I've definitely NOT worked hard enough to ensure success for my kids. There are just so much we can do and I really want to go all out before my year ends!
(this bit might bore readers who are not teachers)
I realized one of the most important things we have to instill in our daily lesson plans is the concept of values. Not just using the term "values" as a catchphrase, but truly internalizing it and getting the students to embody it with their actions.
I've been trying to do that more now because I believe that teachers, especially those of us who teach kids from underprivileged and more chaotic and challenging backgrounds, have the biggest responsibility to ensure that our kids turn out to be good people.
Sure, grades are important but I need to make sure that when I leave after 2 years, my kids are on the path to be successful people with strong values, not just A-churning robots.
Trying to internalize the concept of values in my classes is really not an easy task, but completely do-able. For example, we were learning about road safety and I got the students to stand on both sides of the "road".
They closed their eyes while I played them a video of a horrific car crash (with super dramatic sound effect – idea taken from my other awesome Teach For Malaysia fellows). Then I read them an excerpt of a news report on an accident, and we stood in silence for a while mourning the death of the people in the accident.
We spoke about the fragility of life, about the real importance of taking good care of ourselves and people around us. I don't want my kids to just learn about road safety because it's a topic in the textbook, but because they truly think it's an important issue to discuss.
(this was another class but we were learning the same objective)
After all that seriousness, we took a 5-minute break at the end of class to play "On the line", a game inspired by the movie "Dangerous Minds"
So basically students will be on both sides and there'll be a line in the middle (the road drawn in the beginning of class). I will read out statements and if anyone agrees, they'll come forward and stand on the line for a few seconds, then move back for the next statement.
The statements got deeper each time and I encouraged the students to be honest but it's really up to them if they want to walk forward.
"I have many friends in school"
All of them came forward.
"I like coming to school"
All of them came forward too. This is a pretty good class so it's not surprising.
"I love learning English"
Threw this in just for fun and immediately they all RAN to the line (*heart leaps in joy!)
"I have a boyfriend/girlfriend"
Hehe I'm so sneaky. A very small handful came forward.
"I've lost one parent"
About ten kids came forward.
"I've seen my mother/father cry"
Half the class came forward.
"Sometimes I cry myself to sleep"
This was a tough one but I was surprised to see about fifteen kids come forward. The other kids (boys especially) started laughing at the fifteen kids. Good, because this is exactly what our lesson is about.
I told the fifteen kids that I cannot believe how brave they are to admit something supposedly so shameful as this, and only the strongest people admit their weaknesses. The other kids stopped laughing.
Now this is where it gets tougher.
"I get abused at home"
Half the class came forward.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm a useless person"
Almost ALL the kids came forward.
"Sometimes I feel like I have no hope for a better future"
A handful came forward, some on the verge of tears.
"Sometimes I feel like killing myself"
This was the most surprising one for me. More than half came forward and my heart stopped. These are 13 year olds! It breaks my heart knowing this but I took mental note of this, definitely something that needs to be addressed.
When the game ended, the kids told me how much they loved it because they got to know more about their friends and about themselves too. Though it wasn't super explicit, the objective of it was to get the kids to realize that despite all their physical differences, beneath everything, they're all made up of the same thing: flesh and blood. They all experience happiness, heartaches, sadness and pain, and should learn to be there for each other.
The value that I love the MOST is definitely perseverance. Last week, I went on a Bollywood binge a little and sang "We Shall Overcome" (the song in My Name Is Khan) with the kids.
This week, I gave them the reading diagnostics and it has five levels and it gets harder with each level. I was expecting this class to only reach level 3 or 4 before they give up, so I didn't print level 5 for them. But they surpassed my expectations and almost all of them asked for level 5!
Although maybe 1 or 2 of them managed to actually do it, the rest worked relentlessly to finish the questions. One boy had his head bowed, brows furrowed, and started singing "we shall overcome..we shall overcome.." while doing the paper.
Amazing. My kids give me so much hope to push on everyday!
Wow ok this has been a crazy long post, but I hope you enjoy a short glimpse of my classes!
Will blog again in a month hahaha (ok joking ha ha ha)
I posted this on my Facebook eons ago but here it is! I really like this post because it gives me so much hope, and it makes me love my kids more each day.
My journey as a teacher is a massive roller-coaster experience. Some days I feel like I'm wasting my time with these kids, but some days I truly feel so contented that I feel like I can do this forever. Thankfully, today is one of those days that trumps a million of the other bad days
I taught my Form 3 class about Martin Luther King a few days ago and told them about his "I have a dream" speech. I was supposed to move along the syllabus since I have to finish it by July but decided to screw it and took both periods today to get them to learn more about MLK instead. I watched his speech again the night before and got goosebumps all over, and thought I could inspire my kids with it as well.
In class, I wrote out quotes from his speech and pasted them all over the room. I briefly spoke about what some of those quotes meant and the kids got more and more excited about MLK. I think listening to stories beat doing more grammar exercises and writing boring essays anytime!
"I have a dream that one day, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as brothers and sisters"
I spoke about how bad the slavery condition was in America and how blacks couldn't even board the same bus, use the same toilet or the same water fountains as whites. The kids were appalled and got riled up about it. They couldn't believe how bad racism can get and we discussed the importance of civil rights and equality.
We then read out my favourite MLK quote: "I have a dream that one day, we will live in a nation where we will not be judged by the colour of our skin but by the content of our character".
Before we watched the speech, I got the kids to write out their own dreams. They could write about anything they want, as long as those dreams are big enough that they seem impossible.
Then they pasted their dreams next to their tracker and we watched the speech together. They watched a few minutes of it, noisily commented on everything, before telling me that they couldn't understand much of what MLK said.
I was a little sad that they couldn't experience the same goosebumps I had but after the video ended, I asked if they would like to hear my dream now.
"I have a dream that one day, all 31 of you will be sitting in your university dorm room one day and will remember this moment. Then, you will go on youtube to rewatch this speech but this time, this time you'll be able to understand every word in MLK's speech and will be inspired by those words as well. I have a dream that one day, you too will fight for something you believe in, just like how MLK fought for his own rights"
Wah suddenly I'm like MLK hahaha.
I choked midway while saying that because I was so emotional about it, so emotional about the thought of my kids achieving that dream. The class was silent for a while, and one boy quietly said "Teacher, I want that dream to come true too.."
While they worked on their work after that, I read all their post-its in awe.
"I have a dream that one day, people who are stupid like me can be geniuses too"
"I have a dream that one day, I will fight for poor people like me and help change their fate forever"
"I have a dream that one day, everyone in this class will own expensive cars like Ferrari, Porsche, Audi, McLaren…" (he listed down like ten different cars, obviously written by a boy hahaha)
"I have a dream that one day, I can burn Rosmah's ugly hair" (seriously…. a kid wrote this -____-, before I told her that her dream has to be beneficial to someone, so she changed it)
"I have a dream that one day, my village will be proud of me and will not look down on me or my family for being poor anymore"
"I have a dream that one day, Malaysia will be the best country in the world"
"I have a dream that one day, everyone in this class will be astronauts and we can live on the moon together"
One after another, big dreams, wonderful dreams, inspiring dreams.
We then spent a few minutes reading about the guy who shot MLK and the kids got extremely angry at him, which made me really happy because it shows how affected they are by what happened.
I'm thinking back at this moment and I realized that I don't know if I will ever feel such a strong rewarding and fulfilling feeling again. You know how people use the term "once in a lifetime"? Why go bungee jumping, why go climb mount everest, why do a million other things that you can do once in a lifetime when you can teach, once in your lifetime? When you can change lives, once in your lifetime? When you can get kids to dream big, to want to achieve more, to want to succeed, once in your lifetime?
I have a dream that one day, …
WHICH MEANS! I wake up at 5 am every Monday to drive back to school T_____T It's hell seriously, especially when I'm so not a morning person. Why can't school start at 9am or something??
Anyway, I was REALLY dreading the drive here this morning. I've been listening to podcasts on my drive here (a little digression. PODCASTS ARE THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE WORLD! I'm so mad at myself that I wasted the whole of last year driving countless hours listening to crap music on the radio. I've been listening to podcasts on education, philosophy, health, politics, current issues, humor, you name it! They're so amazing and best part is it's free! It makes me get a little more excited about driving now My ultimate favourites are This American Life, Risk, TED, The Moth. Seriously check them out, if you find yourself bored with our national radio stations on your sucky drive to work/when you're stuck in a horrendous traffic jam)/end of digression
Where was I?
Oh yeah so it was a sucky morning. I was beginning to feel so lazy after the long weekend that I dreaded coming to see my students, especially when I had class with the most challenging class today *grumpy
And we all know a grumpy teacher is not a great teacher, so I tried to make myself feel happier before going to class. My first class was really good. Kids were angels, they did my work so quickly, they were enthusiastic, they worked hard in class despite being weak in English, absolute joy for me!
My second class was great too! I played them soothing relaxing music while they worked on their essays. I spent the whole of Sunday marking their essays and marking every mistake, so I told them that I'll be really sad if they don't rewrite their essays with the corrections. Don't know if this guilt-tripping worked, or if it was the music, or both, but they worked on their essays so diligently the whole class! T______T <– tears of joy
Then…it came to the class I dreaded going in the most. I know it's mostly psychological as well. The more I dread the class, the worst it'll be for me. I've tried being positive about it, but that class always kills me. It doesn't help that it's the last freaking two periods of the day. Kids were tired, hungry, angry, irritable. I can't blame them, it was 1.20pm and they've had a long day.
So anyway, I went in super confident and determined. I delivered my lesson the best I could with this class, with half of them walking around restlessly, fidgeting in their seats, playing around. They do that all the time and I've tried EVERYTHING I could think of (giving consequences, getting help from discipline teachers, calling parents, motivation, being firm etc) but I've given up on trying to get them to sit still. As long as they do my work, I'll have to live with it.
And they always do my work, although they don't always master the lesson objective of the day.
But today, this…really challenging kid, who had been behaving SOOO well lately and whom I've praised to his father a few weeks ago, started getting restless. We already finished the exciting activities and now it was time to sit and write a REALLY short paragraph. He was the only one who did a sloppy job on his work, so I wasn't satisfied with it. I told him to rewrite it but he ignored me a few times. I was pissed cause he's been so good and I know he can do it!
So I did what anyone would do: I held his bag hostage.
No cop out in my class. You WILL do my work to my standards, or I'll keep your bag in the darkest of all dark dungeons and not feed it for days. I might even shred it to pieces, depending on how you behave the next few days.
So this kid, who is one freaking menace-looking kid (he seriously looks like he can harm me real bad), stared at me angrily and threw his book at my face.
The whole class stopped moving and breathing (everyone is terrified of this kid) and stared at me. I know that look, they were anticipating my next move. I know I have to play my cards well now, cause if I don't, I'll lose the entire class.
So I calmly looked at him and said I want him to take the book now and finish my work.
The whole class moved their heads to look at what his next move would be.
He stomped out of his chair angrily, grabbed the hostage (his bag) from my hand, and went back to his seat. He sat still for a while, then eventually took out a pen to finish his work.
I don't know what it was that made him do his work. Maybe he felt bad for me since he clearly had been very nice to me before this, especially after knowing that I praised him to his very fierce dad, or maybe because I held my grounds and he knew he'd have to do it eventually.
The class then turned to look at me again and I tried my best to mask my anger and fear. My legs were shaking a little (dude I'm really terrified of this kid) and my face kinda hurts from being thrown with a book. The class then erupted into its usual noisy chatter again (I always ask them to stop behaving like zoo animals, cause they literally behave like that. Some kids actually crawl around just for fun, some kids climb up their friends' legs, some walk around making animal noises)
I waited a few minutes, then walked to that kid and told him I know he can do this. I watched him a little, corrected some mistakes, then told him that I do not want him to behave like that again. It's unacceptable and I know he can be better than that. I asked him to promise me that he WILL be better.
He looked at me for one brief milisecond, stood up, and walked away.
"I'm taking that as a yes" I said to him. If anything I was just trying to comfort myself; he was already far gone by then.
When the bell rang, they ran helter skelter out of class and I sat down to compose myself. I know many of these kids have really rough childhood. I can't begin to imagine the lives they live. I've been to their houses, spoken to their parents, and I can't imagine growing up in that condition.
But still, it's not an excuse to behave badly in my class. I will be compassionate, I will be loving, but I can't let you have your way because I know if you try harder, you'll do wonders. Even if you don't know it yet.
While I was sitting down thinking of my kids, Jaya came in and caught me sitting alone. She asked if I was ok, and I asked her to read out the work we did in class today. She still couldn't read. She struggled at every word, she read "tell" as "past" (she was just guessing the words) but when she was done reading (painfully), I told her she did well and asked her to correct some grammar mistakes.
I have absolutely no idea if she learned anything today. I have no idea if she could read by the end of this year. We tried whole of last year but now she's back at square one again, and I don't know what I've imparted on her, or if I've made a difference in her life at all.
But I'd like to think that if I continue trying, it will make a difference someday. Maybe not now, but someday, one day.]]>
It's the third week of school and things have settled down a little so I have time to do a lot of things these days. For example, yesterday I spent all night on youtube watching random videos for fun. Yes, for fun…Everytime I do something for fun, I feel extremely guilty because MY STUDENTS ARE STILL WEAK, THEY STILL CAN'T READ, THEY STILL FAIL AND I'M WATCHING VIDEOS FOR FUN?!?!?!
*breathes in and out furiously
But I figured, I MUST not burn out so soon like last year. Last year, when March rolled around, I was ready to pack my stuff and leave this place because I was sooooo burnt out! I was sleeping 4 hours every night, printing worksheets till the wee hours of the morning, planning and thinking about my kids all night. But nope, this year, I figured I gotta work hard but I have to relax a little more too. I'm running a marathon here, so can't compromise my sanity so soon!
Ok so blogging is part of my strategy to maintain sanity, especially blogging about something other than teaching. Yay!
Last month, I visited my best friend in China! We haven't seen each other since we graduated 1.5 years ago so it was really good to know that we still haven't really changed much (though admittedly we're more serious and boring now cos we're both teachers and we spent half the time talking about teaching strategies -_- )
Chengdu was really cold since it's winter now and I spent 6 days there wrapped in at least 5 layers of clothing T___T
Ok I'm a lousy tourist cause I don't remember names of places so this is umm..a fashion street in the city. Lots of people just like in Hong Kong!
You know what I can't get used to here?
Not the rude people, they're not that bad here. But the toilets. I CAN'T stand squatting toilets, despite coming from a country where we have them too. But in China, there are NO sitting toilets except in very fancy hotels. It's really gross cause when they have sitting toilets, people squat on them and leave shoe stains!
This is Li and me. She's Shanshan's cousin's girlfriend who is super chatty and cute. We're eating icecream in this freezing weather cause we're cool like that. I think some of my brain cells froze to death that day.
We ate at this tea house that has Sichuan opera! Crazy amount of food (people eat like crazy here but I've not seen a single fat person)
The famous face-changing performance! Basically they will change their masks just by turning their faces slightly, or using a fan to cover their face for literally 0.1 second. It's a secret technique that noone outside their clans would know, super amazing to see it in person!
(Well, a panda here)
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it! It's such a surreal feeling to see something you've never seen in real life before, like seeing a unicorn or a flying pig!
More pandas! Everyone there was just aww-ing and ahh-ing at everything the pandas do. Pandas eating bamboo, AWWWWW! Pandas got up to get another bamboo, OMG CUTEEEE! Pandas playing with their bamboo, AWW *heart melts
Seriously, life is good as a panda.
Shanshan and I! and a random angry lady behind us wtf
All they do is eat and eat. They don't move or do anything cute also!! Feels a bit cheated wtf
Intermission: here's your favourite beautiful Shanshan! As beautiful as ever. And she's single now! She lives in the States though so if you're ready for a long distance relationship, apply within wtf
Baby pandas sunbathing AWW
We thought they were dead though cause they didn't move AT ALL hahaha
Oops I ate too much teehee I'm so cute no matter what I do cause I have black patches around my eyes teehee
Baby panda sho cuteee
The end of panda pictures, here's me eating some street food. All I do is eat and eat, cause it's so cold must keep warm ma!
Chengdu's favourite past time: have your ears dug by professionals on the street! HAHAHA not even kidding. Shanshan said it apparently feels REALLY good cause they got skillzz
Some old street #lousytourist
Some sign I can't read. By the way, my Mandarin improved by like 2384910826 times in that trip cause NOBODY SPEAKS ENGLISH in that entire city.
When we spoke English on the train, some guy actually approached us to say how admirable it is to see two chinese girls speak English. At first it was flattering but he kept standing really close to listen in on our conversation -____-
Seriously, out of all the places I've been to, China has the least amount of people who can understand and speak English. Maybe it's because I didn't go to major cities like Beijing or Shanghai though.
Starbucks in the middle of ancient town, a sign of modern capitalism. It costs a bomb though, everything there costs wayyy more than in Malaysia to my surprise.
Reminds me of the very beautiful Lijiang
I think there are more pictures (mostly camwhore pictures) but I think that's it for today! Must maintain the suspense so if you don't see my pictures too often and when you do see it, you'll feel like how I felt when I saw the pandas wtf *perasan
When I told my kids I went to China and Thailand during the holidays, they were like "yer teacher you're so rich!!". I think I've been very lucky to be able to travel so often. Tickets to Thailand was ridiculously affordable even on my meagre teacher salary, and Shanshan sponsored half my ticket to China! (and I didn't spend a single cent there :P)
Another good news is I got selected to represent Teach For Malaysia to a conference in New Delhi, India! It's fully sponsored too, so I'm counting my lucky stars again I've always wanted to visit India, despite the new outrage, so I'm quite excited about the trip!
That's all for today. Long day tomorrow since we are having our annual Merentas Desa run (cross-country run) and I'm stationed at the paddy field checkpoint (my favourite place here).
I can't help smiling when I see the kids running past me with their eyes furrowed intensely, shirt drenched in sweat, pleading for water. Most, if not all of them, even greet me midst run. "Good afternoon teacher!" So cute lah cannot tahan. I don't think I'll have the energy to even look at people during a run, much less greet them!
The cutest of the lot are the small tiny ones running with so much enthusiasm. The young ones are always the most enthusiastic about everything and always have so much zest and happiness. I love kids so much. I love interacting with them, I love watching them get excited about things, I love getting all this positive energy from them! Though some of them are real devils, but I couldn't have asked for better clients to work for everyday]]>
Ah what the hell, it was terrible!!!! T_____T *bawls eyes out *wipes mucous all over failed lesson plans
To be honest, my heart did drop when I found out that I will be teaching the weakest and most challenging class in Form 2 (I know it's terrible to feel this way but I taught them last year and they caused so much misery for me). I expected them to be tough on me, but they were beyond tough, they were BRUTAL.
The first day of school, I entered the class with my pretty solid classroom management plan and had my game face on since I want to be a lot more firm this year. They slaughtered me alive within the first ten minutes. They started acting out, being rude, couldn't pay a single ounce of attention, running around, wounding my pride as a teacher who practically stood there and waited for them to settle down. I never believe in shouting, yelling or resorting to violence (which a lot of teachers do to command respect and fear) so I just spoke really firmly about working together this year.
After what seemed like an eternity (40 mins), the bell rang and they all ran home. I called out a few names to stay back but guess what? They all ran away on me *flails arms and cries harder
I was heartbroken, dejected, demotivated and honestly just wanted to call it quits. I teach a total of 5 classes and my other 4 classes are pretty awesome. I don't have to try that hard with this class since they clearly don't want to learn anyway.
But I remembered the few pairs of eyes who stared back at me with sadness when they saw that I couldn't control the class. There are 31 kids in that class, and about 11 of them are really disruptive. The other innocent 20 kids couldn't do anything and stared back at me helplessly, pleading for me to start imparting knowledge on them, which I obviously couldn't since those crazy 11 kids were belting out songs at the top of their lungs, hitting each other and running around.
I really felt like I've failed my students and I felt so much anger for those kids who took learning away from the "good" students. They don't respect me because they said I'm "not fierce at all" and they think they can bully me.
Today, before I entered their class again, I was honestly extremely nervous. Can you believe it? These are 14 year olds, and are barely taller than me, and yet they can cause such a deep gut wrenching feeling in the pits of my stomach. But I had faith in my management plan that I'd spent 3 hours the night before preparing. I had faith that if I continue persisting, they WILL yield one day. A part of me felt silly for having so much faith, because it was almost exactly the same last year and I had failed.
But I wasn't going to let those days of humiliation and pain last year go to waste. I've reflected and reflected thoroughly and I know what I need to do to fix things. I need to persist, I need to be consistent, I need to show them that I mean business, and I need to be firm. Last year I was too emotional, and they knew they could get to me easily.
The class went a lot better today, but towards the end the kids got crazy again. I felt so angry because the other innocent kids were again, staring at me with those sad eyes. They need help so badly but I'm failing them yet again with my inability to control the class. I've tried everything I could; I was firm, I was prepared, I had consequences, I used everything I know! And yet..
There goes another day of failing.
I just called one of my disruptive kids' parent, like I said I would in class. I was telling his mom that I will try everything I can to make her son learn and after she thanked me, she sighed a painful sigh. The same sad sigh I've heard from all the challenging kids' parents. I know they need help too, and there must be some ways that we can work together.
I need to be better and I need to do more because I don't want to end up at the end of my teaching stint, wishing that I had tried harder to help all my students. I still have hope.. and my hope is now.]]>
I feel like I'm absolutely not prepared at all, no matter how much I've prepared for it! GAHHHHH *flails arms wildly and screams for help
I am panicking and I don't know why?!?!?!?!?? I've done this before, so I can do this…right?
I'm panicking because I know how it's going to be like. This time last year, I was crazily excited and not nervous at all because I didn't know how bad things could be. But now that I know how challenging being in school is, how nerve-wrecking it is to stand in front of 40 kids who clearly don't care about you, how daunting it is to know that these kids' future lie in your own hands, it feels a lot scarier to face my first day of school.
I CAN DO THIS! I just need to walk in a lot stricter this time, maintain better structure for the class, be a lot more prepared, be consistent with my rules and consequences, and I'll be fine. I hope..
I'm entering my year 2 of teaching but I'm still going to say this again: teaching IS rocket science.
This is possibly going to be the craziest thing I've ever done in my life, but I know I'll miss it so much when everything is over. Bring it on, 2013! You are scaring me out of my wits, but I know that whatever happens, there's no way I'm going to do worse than I did in 2012. It's only going to get better from now on! No harm being optimistic about it
I was using Zooomr for a while but now that they decided to go private, they took all my pictures with them too T_____T And I'm too busy/lazy to reupload them elsewhere and put them back up again.
Fear not though because today I woke up with this sudden spurt of energy and suddenly felt like blogging! Though I have no idea what to blog about…but one thing I do know is it's NOT going to be about teaching woot!
To be honest, this holiday has given me some time to reflect on things and I realize that I've spent 80% of it thinking and doing things that are teaching/student-related. Talk about being married to the job! Even when I'm sitting in the car on a long drive, or when I'm reading an unrelated book, or when I'm talking to friends, my mind is perpetually on my kids. How to be a better teacher next year? How do I ensure success for my kids? How do I make sure we reach our goal blablabla
I am actually so sick of it. So utterly sick of being so passionate about something that I eat, breathe, sleep with the cause in my mind every single waking moment of the day. As of now, I have the next EIGHT days before my first school meeting, and I'm making it a point to only think about school for a maximum of TWO hours a day (only because I have so much stuff to do before next year). That's my pact to myself so I remain sane. And I'll spend the other twenty two hours not being a teacher for once.
See, don't want to talk about teaching and yet..
Anywayyyy, I went to Phuket last week! We saw that Expedia had an amazing offer of RM500 for flights AND accommodation for 4D3N so we jumped on it. 9 of us went and had a very interesting time at probably one of the dodgiest places I've ever been to.
It was a well-deserved holiday and despite the fact that all 9 of us are teachers, we surprisingly did not talk about teaching too much! We spent most of our time walking around the town, getting cheap massages, reading at the beach and eating.
In the tuktuk with Aishah and Karthik
The crazy cables all over the island
Our awesome ride back to the hotel. The driver blasted out party songs and turned on disco lights for us to dance!
Oh!!! I almost forgot. I got into an accident the second day in Phuket. You know how I'm super proud that I can now ride a motorbike thanks to my students right? Yeah, so we rented a bike and wanted to ride around the island with it. The bike was only RM20 a day and I was super confident I could ride it, no problemo.
So I went to test the bike on my own and barely FIVE minutes after renting it, I got into an accident -_______- I tried going up a really steep hill to practice (stupidity point 1), and when I fell, I picked the bike up without turning it off first (stupidity point 2). So I accidentally rammed the handle and the bike dragged me into a drain where I almost broke my neck (thank god I was wearing my helmet).
Luckily, I only suffered minor injuries but on many parts of my body
In the end, I had to pay RM300 for the bike damage, had to spend an hour cleaning up my wounds and couldn't go for full body massages and swim at the sea. Blessing in disguise somewhat, cause who knows I might have gotten into a bigger accident if I had gone around the island with it AND my friends had someone to take care of their things while they swam (aka bag-caretaker).
I'm going to China in two days! Shanshan, my best friend in college, invited me over and offered to pay half of my flight ticket so I thought I'll grab the chance! Not everyday that you have someone who want to see you so bad they'll pay for you wtf
I'll try to be more my old self and try taking more pictures and blog more! The thing about not blogging often is after a long period of time, you just forget what you want to talk about entirely. And after a while, even if you remember what you want to talk about, those things seem so unimportant and boring in retrospect that you don't feel like talking about them. Le sigh, for the umpteenth time, I MUST blog more often!
1. The message of the entire two-day conference was clear: we NEED to reconsider the role of school leadership and think of students' learning experiences. We can no longer adopt the traditional "I teach, you learn" mentality and we should move towards empowering students to take responsibility for their learning instead.
I really like this idea because 90% of my students are hardly responsible for their own learning, not because they don't want to but because they are just so used to being fed information. So it was definitely good to learn other innovative methods I can use to cater for individual needs in the classroom.
Kasim Kasuri, CEO Beaconhouse, speaking at the School of Tomorrow Conference
2. I really like the focus on "inspiration". Teachers should inspire the children to learn, to be curious, to be empowered, and this is something I definitely don't see in schools today. The talks and workshops also challenged the role of the teacher, and posited that the teacher should act as a facilitator to help kids learn.
To be honest, although I do believe this as well, it's extremely hard to practice it because of the huge class size in schools. But of course, nothing is impossible so it's really up to the teacher to make the extra effort.
Speakers (from Left to Right): Richard Mark Gerver, Alma Harris, Diana April Laufenberg, Zarina Mobarak, Pamela Mundy and Kasim Kasuri
3. The concept of assessment is also severely questioned throughout the conference and I absolutely love the exchanges of different ideas! (teacher nerd) We re-examined the traditional assessments in schools (UPSR, PMR, SPM) (though PMR will be abolished from next year) and discussed how assessments can be used to support learning instead of being used to undermine learning.
All in all, I really enjoyed the entire conference and was really honored to be able to meet so many incredible and passionate people. I've never really thought about this before I became a teacher, but now I definitely see how important education plays a role in affecting so many aspects of a nation. If we want a better future for our country, there's no doubt that we should reexamine the concept of education in our schools.
Personally, I feel that we're still a long way to get all our schools to that ideal concept of education, but if we don't start somewhere we'll never get there.]]>
So basically right after our school holidays started, we had to spend days organizing our data of our students' achievement (in my part, lack of achievement T____T makes me question whether if what I did this entire one year was even worth it) and reporting them on an online portal. It was excruciatingly tedious so I haven't had much time for anything else.
The week after that, our postgraduate diploma in education's classes started and life has been crazy since. We have to attend classes five days a week, from 8-5, and we have TONS of assignments to work on just like any other college student. Presentations, reflections, papers to write, readings to read and generally just no time for anything else.
I'm not complaining, since technically I'm getting my second degree but I just really realllllllllly need a break. I need time to plan for my next year and it's absolutely crucial I enter my classrooms next year very well prepared, but I have NO time now to even think about next year. Not only that, every TFM fellow, in their second year, will have to run a community project and we've been up nights thinking about what we want to do next year that can help change the school and community.
I'll talk about my project later but if you went to my TEDx talk, you'd know!
Speaking of next year, I've been feeling really stressed out for a multitude of reasons.
1. My last one year in school has been somewhat….wasted. I mean, I've worked extremely hard but it's so painful to see almost no improvement in my students. I know what I'm doing is not going to be successful overnight, but it's been a YEAR! A WHOLE freaking year, and what did I do? Absolutely nothing. My best class' results increased…by 2%. TWO percent.
Lately, I've been trying to adopt a more positive way to think of things. I'm going to look at things and compartmentalize them into two categories: TRUTH and HOPE.
So here it is. The TRUTH is, I did not transform my students' lives. There was little to no progress, and my illiterate students are still illiterate. I've failed to be an effective teacher to my students.
But here's the HOPE part. I'm still going to go back to school next year and I still truly believe in this mission to end education inequity. I still believe that my students can achieve so much more, if I find better ways to help them. I know there are so many of them just waiting for me to help unleash their potential in them. Their hope is me, and my hope is them.
Which is exactly why I'm feeling so stressed, cause I know I can do so much more for them but I don't know how to. I need to plan plan plan PLAN better for next year to make sure our goals are achieved this time! I need to because it's my last and only chance. And I hate to think this, but it might even be their last and only chance.
2. It might seem like it's too early to think about it, but I'm really thinking of what I want to do after the fellowship. I know when next year comes, we will not have time for anything else. I need to think about what I want to do after next year and start planning towards it. I want to continue teaching, but at the same time I want to try out sooooo many things as well. I want my Masters, I want to work in a corporate firm, I want to get all kinds of experiences, I want to be challenged in ways I cannot comprehend, I want to do so much, and yet I don't even know what I want.
These thoughts are seriously driving me crazy! I have a stack of articles to read and papers to write, but my mind is so occupied by all these worries that I can't even focus on anything. I've spoken to people about career options, but the more I talk to people, the more I realize that I want to do everything!
So here it is again:
Truth: thinking about all this is making me go crazy.
Hope: my enthusiasm is what fuels me. I realize that despite all this stress and worries, this is potentially the most exciting part of my life right now! Here it goes, one more year to change lives.
p.s: I want to take this opportunity to thank all my readers for going through this journey with me. I started this post feeling so overwhelmed, but writing about my hopes and dreams make me feel so energized and enthusiastic about everything. Now I feel like anything is possible!]]>
If you couldn't make it, you can watch the video later (will let you know when it's up!). I spoke on my experience as a teacher and spent most of my talk focusing on the literacy issues in my school/community. I think (and hope) it was quite shocking but enlightening for most people since a lot of us hardly recognize the problem brewing in our own country.
I think it's quite clear by now that education is an issue that is very very close to my heart (since I talk about it in every blog post haha). People often ask me what I plan to do after my two years with Teach For Malaysia, and though it's a hard question to answer mainly because it's so loaded, I'm extremely certain that I will stay in the education line. The short answer is: I'm going to teach in a primary school after this.
After teaching secondary kids for a year now, I realize that if I really want to tackle the issues I see in my kids and school, I have to go even deeper into the root cause of the problem. Kids are illiterate at 15 because they, somehow or rather, had slipped through the cracks when they were in primary school. It's wayyy easier to tackle these issues if we arrest it earlier. If we could recognize learning disabilities sooner, if we could teach the basics sooner, then these kids wouldn't be at the stage they are right now.
Since I'm already talking about my future plans anyway, I might as well say it here now. My long term plan is to eventually start a kindergarten of my own. I've thought about it since my last year in college, and now that I've been teaching for a while, the urge is even stronger. There is such a HUGE need for a quality education, especially for underpriviledged kids, and where better to start than from a top quality early childhood education?
I've been looking at a few models and schools in this country and was very glad that I got invited to attend the Beaconhouse Group's School of Tomorrow Conference! Beaconhouse Group is one of the largest privately-owned school systems in the world and it'll be awesome if I could learn from them.
It's actually happening today and will feature many leading educationists and thinkers, including Professor Alma Harris, Dr Heather Terrill Stotts, Professor Kathryn Riley, and Dr Christine Wise, all of whom are internationally recognised for their work on school improvement and leadership and management. Several specialists including Gigi Schweikert, Pamela Mundy, Ayesha Kasuri and Saira Butt will be leading sessions on early childhood and primary education.
The panel discussions all look extremely interesting as well, covering topics such as innovation in teaching primary students, employing collaboration and leadership techniques amongst students, how to cater to individual needs in classrooms – all topics that have been talked and thought about many times between the other TFM fellows and I. I really believe that if we want to pay attention to education, early childhood and primary education should be invested more heavily on.
Super excited and honored to be invited for it so I'll update more on the conference!]]>
As you know, I was invited to speak at TEDxYouth and it's such an honour to be able to speak to such a large crowd! I'm really excited to share my teacher life with everyone but also crazyyyy nervous. I mean..I speak in front of so many very unforgivingly, ruthlessly critical kids everyday but it feels strange to speak to people who are older now haha.
Anyways, if you'd like to catch me and the other inspiring speakers, do come to the event!
Get your tickets here: http://www.tedxyouthkl.com/
You can read more about the event or about the other speakers on the website!
You can also read this writeup by The Star on the event. http://rage.com.my/content/stories/make-ideas-happen/
p.s: Don't judge, it was the only teacher-like picture I have so I had to give them that picture.
p.p.s: Hope to see lots of you there! Please clap extra loud for me so when I come out it doesn't feel awkward wtf *cricket sound]]>
In that particular scene, I was people-watching during the brief 10-second interlude in that awkward moment of flipping into another chapter of the book. I call it the awkward moment because that is when I usually have to shake myself off the story and bring myself to face reality, and sometimes I'm so immersed in the book that I can't even discern which is the reality anymore. If I take too long of an interlude between chapters, I lose the connection with the fictional world I was in and succumb to my reality. that's when I lose interest in the book so I always make a conscious effort to minimize the interlude time.
so back to the scene in my head while I was washing dishes (now I'm confused which is the reality – pretty sure the reality is me washing dishes). It was a very very brief scene in my head, probably not lasting more than 2 seconds in total. But why I even bothered thinking about this incident again the next day, and taking the time to actually type this down, was because of the feelings that overpowered me the moment that scene overtook my thoughts.
It was a feeling of absolute happiness, of utter calmness. Though brief, I felt like that was what I am destined to do, what the purpose of my existence is in this confounding world, what my calling is – to find that moment of happiness.
After the scene had played in my head and I had come back to my reality, I spent the next few minutes wondering why that scene had so much weight and stirred such mixed feelings. This is not the first time it had happen and every time it happens, it was always when I'm doing something completely mundane. When I was showering, when I was putting moisturizer on my face, when I was starting my car, etc.
the worst part is, I'm always left feeling very confused if that scene was a scene from a dream I once had, or a reality I had once lived in, or an alternate reality my alternate self is currently living in. I know this is all quite bullshitty but ever since that first lapse of that scene, I've always wanted to re-live it. Maybe that is my ultimate nirvana? Maybe when I reenact that scene in reality, I will achieve the enlightening state that everyone has been yearning for? Funny how my nirvana is when I'm reading a book and people watching somewhere in Europe.
but sometimes i wonder what is reality anymore. The lines between dreams, reality and alternate reality all seem so blurred to me now. All I know is I need to get myself to that cafe, somehow, someday.]]>
Last week, something horrifying and traumatizing happened, and it's especially scarier now that i'm a teacher so i feel like a parent to all my kids.
After choral speaking practice, the kids left and went back home. I drove out to get lunch and I saw a crowd a little further down the road from school. I rolled my window down to ask if anyone needs a ride, and the sight that greeted me back shocked me so much my heart stopped.
He was then rushed to the hospital in a further town because he suffered memory loss as well. He was riding his bike when he lost control, and he was flung out of it and hit his head on the lamp post.
I will never forget the look of fear and pain in his eyes, the blood on his long eyelashes, him softly saying "tolong…tolong…tolong" despite us being in the clinic already. Just thinking about it gives me the lump in my throat. I really hope he gets well soon!
Before I went in the house, all my kids who were already there rushed out to warn me of how gory his face was. I cringed but rushed in to see him, and found him sitting sadly on the couch. His face was indeed a mess – he had seven stitches on his forehead, three on his lips. His lips were swollen to three times its size and he'd lost a few teeth. His whole body was covered with wounds as well, and he can't walk nor move much. He also broke a rib.
He was clearly very very down and sad. The first thing he said to me was "Teacher, sorry saya tak dapat pergi choral speaking (sorry I couldn't go choral speaking)"
When I heard that I was so freaking sad!!! This kid just went through a really bad time and all he thought of was upsetting me. The conversation moved on to his accident, to road safety etc but then he said again:
"Teacher how was the choral practice?"
"Teacher, I'm sure everyone will perform well"
"Teacher, I wish I could join choral"
Again and again. I was so touched I wanted to cry. Even thinking about it again makes me want to cry. I told him that the spot is still open for him but he doesn't have to perform, I just want him to go and see his friends perform, provided of course if he's healthy enough. His mom who was there was happy and said she gives her consent for me to bring him out. His eyes lighted up and he said he really wants to go. Everyone who was there clapped and cheered. It was such a joyous moment T__T
"Teacher, do you think people at the event will laugh at my face?"
"No way, I'll laugh at THEIR face if they do" (I know I'm such a bad role model hahah)
Then after a while, he said: "Teacher, thank you for saving me. I heard you asking me to wake up wake up don't sleep. I couldn't remember whose voice was that but now I remember"
T______________T I had to tahan macho cos so many students were there but I was really touched. I kept looking at him and smiling cause he looked SOOO sad but then he started tearing so I teared too wtf *weak
Then I remembered that I'm a teacher and I should be stern and all so I gave him (and other kids) a good lecture on road safety and how he's been given another chance at life and how he should appreciate it and how hard his mom raised him and so on. After being a teacher, I've learned to spin a ton of moral values out of any situation. If I take SPM Moral again, I'd have gotten A1 for sure this time!
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1. I'm making a more concerted effort to blog more again for several reasons. Firstly, it doesn't actually take thaaat much time and I'm a lot more free these days (kids are having their exams next week!) so no excuse not to blog!
Secondly and more importantly but shamelessly, I need to start writing advertorials again to earn my side income so I have to blog more to maintain/increase my traffic. Recently, we TFM fellows got a pay cut. Seriously don't ask why, I don't even know why too. All I know is we had to resign a new contract, got a pay cut AND worst of all, have to pay back for the increment we got since January. It's a heck lot of money, money I don't have. So don't mind me if I start putting ads again on my blog ok? A teacher's gotta eat.. (though I'm trying to lose weight these days..)
2. I learned how to ride a motorcycle!!!!!!!
I've never really wanted to learn before but recently, I've been peer-pressured into it. Well, peer pressure is the wrong term to use because my kids are the one that influenced me, so it'll be like…"student-pressured" into it? Haha. ALL the kids here can ride a bike, and they made fun of me for not being able to ride one!
"Hahhhh how can teacher? It's soooo easy!"
"Teacher, you can't be like us kampung people if you can't ride one!"
"What?? Even a 10 year old can ride a motorbike!" (it's true)
See, such bad influence!
Anyway, I'm actually pretty good at it now! And the worst part is, it's super addictive! Hahaha this sounds like a vice already. But after learning how to ride one, I really get why my kids love to ride around the village "just for fun" because damn, it's so freaking fun! The wind blowing in your hair, the adrenaline rush, the DANGER, the power in your hands…
So, I've been grabbing any motorbike I see and begging the owner to let me ride. They let me use it all the time cause I'm a teacher ma, and they respect me a lot here. Then, I'll bring a random student to ride around the paddy fields and the village to sightsee, and we'll talk about all sorts of profound and thought-provoking things like the latest gossip in school and how their lives are like.
It's really moments like this that I will remember for the rest of my life once I leave this place.
Me, riding a motorbike around the village and in the woods, with teenagers, who would have thought?
3. Speaking of kids (am I not always talking about them anyway?), I'm really REALLY sad today. There are these two girls (who are sisters) whom I've been hanging out with everyday, playing badminton or basketball, or just talking about life. I know their whole family and I'm like the resident guest in their house. Their mom cooks for me and gossips with me, the baby of the house clings on to my leg when I visit, and they always fling the door open excitedly when they hear my car engine outside.
I found out today..that they are shifting away next month T____________T
I was so upset when I heard it because they've become my best friends here. They confide in me all the time and I would always talk about life with them. I've shown them my pictures overseas and shared with them all my experiences. They're only 15 and 16, but seeing their excitement and love for me everyday makes my day.
And now they're moving away forever T____________T
I was seriously going to cry when I heard it. I'm never supposed to invest my emotions so heavily on my kids but it's hard when you live in a place where there's no one you know with no family. They ARE my family.
I think I'm going to cry buckets later when I bid them goodbye. I HATE losing my kids, can't imagine how I'd feel next year when I leave.
4. This is a bit of a good news to end the post. Recently, our school's choral speaking team was invited to perform for the Teach For Malaysia 2013 Cohort's opening dinner! When I told my kids, they were ecstatic!
"Teacher, we're good enough to perform for people!"
YES you are! So proud of all of you
So we've been practising everyday with the script I wrote from scratch. It's been quite tough because their exams are next week and the performance is in 3 weeks! But we still have to use a new script anyway cause half the team consists of new members who begged me to let them join in after seeing how fun it is.
The best part of my week today is when this boy (who joined the choral speaking team that won the district championship last time but didn't want to join this time) came to me and said this: "Teacher, can I join the team? I told my dad that I didn't join this time and he scolded me. He said I must join because I can improve my English!"
It completely makes my day because it means my effort to build relationships with the parents have been worth it! I've spoken to his dad before and have said many good things about his son, and how he should be proud to have a son like that and how he has done a good job raising him. So for him to actually tell his kid to join despite the exams shows that he really believes in me to help his kid's English " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> Can't stop smiling!
The kids have also been working very hard. I've started putting my dictator face on again so every practice has been quite challenging for me and them. I need to be hard on them because I expect so much from everyone and I know they'll do amazing.
Then, a girl who just joined the team told me today that choral practices are what make her days now. She's having so much fun and although it's tough but she loves it! These kids hardly speak a sentence of English in real life but they have to speak FIVE pages of English confidently and enthusiastically now.
Haih just talking about how awesome they are makes me want to weep like a baby now.
Sorry for this really long post but I hope you enjoyed reading about what I've been up to!
p.s: thanks for subscribing to my mailing list! Will definitely try to write more protected posts so you don't sign up in vain]]>
First of all, thanks for sending me an email to be added into the mailing list. My previous mailing list is a little messy and has too many people in it. With google+, I'm going to create a new circle meant for readers so I can manage the list better. So, sorry if you've already sent me an email last time to be added into the previous mailing list but if you would like to read my password protected posts from now onwards, please drop me an email again!
(NOTE: People who have sent me an email since Jan this year, you don't have to do this again)
Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for reading I think I'll be posting more private posts since I like the idea of still being able to write more personal stuff despite being a teacher now.
I'm also re-doing this because the previous mailing list may have people who have stopped reading my blog and might not be interested anymore. Later scold me for spamming them with passwords wtf *sad
As usual, if you would like to be included in the mailing list, please fill up this form with your REAL name, email address and in the message, I would like you to talk about yourself in general (not your whole life story wtf) and any other information you would like me to know about you. I will then email you the passwords to this and future password protected posts.
Mailing list form here:
SORRY guys! My mailing list is now closed due to an overwhelming response from everyone and I have no time to add more people in. sorry again!]]>
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Let me start off with teacher-related stuff first.
When I walked into school today, I immediately got a barrage of wishes from my kids. They knew it was my birthday because I have the same birthday as one boy and I once told him that only awesome people are born on this day (also gave him a fist pump after that -I'm such a cool teacher hahaha)
So I was feeling quite happy and excited about today before my classes already!
During my first class, I wrote on the board (amidst notes on grammar and boring stuff) "Happy Birthday Syahfiq! Only awesome people are born on 24 Sept!" and everyone broke into laughter before wishing him as well.
After the class ended, the monitor went in front and cleared his throat.
"Attention class!"
Then I made fun of him cos he sounded so serious hahahaha I'm such an evil teacher! Gonna get bad karma.
Then he continued. "Today is a very special day because it's someone's birthday…"
"I want to thank Teacher Suet Li for being our teacher, and would like to wish her all the best. We promise to do our best in our English exam as your present! Stand up class."
Then he got everyone to say happy birthday to me in unison T_________T What did I do to deserve this T_______T
I was soooo freaking proud of him cause he said the entire short speech in English and he was clearly very nervous to stand in front and to speak English!
Some of them gave me cards after. I am so touched but cannot cry must maintain cool macho persona wtf
Then, in my second class, they sang me a birthday song the moment I stepped into class. I stood there awkwardly (I am SUPER awkward when people sing me birthday songs, please don't ever do that to me!) and tried to smile but was blushing intensely.
I can't believe my kids are so sweet! They kept saying sorry for not giving me presents but I told them I really really just want them to do well, not just in exams but in life. So teacher lah me.
Anyway, now here comes the lengthy introspective serious part haha.
Come to think of it, I have so much to say that I don't even know what to say. Birthdays are a great time to reflect on our lives so I guess I'll attempt to do that..
The past one year since my last birthday had been a complete 180 degrees turnaround for me. During this time last year, I was going through an incredibly tough time that had caused me to doubt my sanity and integrity as a person. I was in a really bad shape then and I don't think any of my friends could really recognize me much too.
In fact, I was really hesitant on starting my journey as a teacher because I was in such a bad emotional wreck that I thought me being a teacher would just be a hazard to my future students!
Thankfully, I went ahead with it anyway because it seemed silly to give up something I believe in because of a feeble excuse of a problem that I could easily fix (though it didn't seem easy then). I am also just really REALLY thankful that I had a great bunch of people as my support system when things were crazy. My family, my friends, my readers even, were all there whenever I needed them. So thank you everyone for hoisting me up to where I am now! My students have you to thank too :')
Actually, I'm trying really hard to word my "lengthy, introspective and personal" birthday post because I'm no longer at a position where I could just babble on about everything freely. I can do a password protected post, but it just takes too much effort to deal with the mailing list and sending out passwords (but thank you everyone who has been emailing me to be included in the mailing list!) so I guess this will do.
To my long time readers: I've really changed, haven't I? From a super happy-go-lucky and silly, naive, immature girl, to a really dark, emotional person last year, to this person I am today.
This is actually my first birthday in 4 years that was spent very low-key-ly because the past few years had been quite crazy. In school, birthdays for me meant it was time to get allllll my friends together in my house and talk until midnight! In college, frankly, birthdays were just a time to party like crazy and to get err, intoxicated. It was great fun but I really wanted something quiet this year! I spent an awesome time with my loved ones this weekend, and today with my kids. I couldn't have asked for a better celebration
To myself: I'm glad you've become a better person this year and though there are nights where life uncertainties still creep up beneath you in the dark, know that life will always get better if you want it to be. Also, please always remember to appreciate the people around you and to appreciate all the little moments in life *getting cheesy wtf
Happy birthday to myself, and to all September babies!]]>
This is a glorious month because it's my birthday month! So I vow to keep my excitement as each day comes because we all know that an unexcited, passive, boring teacher is the worst teacher to have in a classroom. It's good that I'm an easily excitable person so everything that happens everyday always keeps me genuinely happy anyway.
I have pictures to share and an exciting news at the end of the post! I think I'm using the many derivations of the word exciting too liberally haha. Going to start off with some teaching-unrelated pictures first.
This was taken two months ago at my best friend's wedding. Can't believe it's been two months since that incredibly exciting (here I go again) day!
Me with Angie who flew from Canada just for that weekend. Angie is always an amazing company because she's as easily excitable as I am! Everytime we see each other again after a long period of time, we always get along so well as if we never parted
I'm also overly tanned here because it was the weekend after my Sports Day where I got baked like crazy.
Seeing Audrey in her wedding dress the first time made me cry T___T I think I'll cry like a baby when I see her first baby bump too T___T Can't believe she's all grown up now T__T
At the wedding dinner with the super cute Up house! I'm the one in white in case you have forgotten how I look like since I don't post that many pictures of myself anymore haha. L-R: Tze, Jiameei, Angie, me, Huiwen, Jolene.
Ok that's it, on to teaching pictures! Keep in mind that I can't put too many personal pictures because I have a lot of students and teachers reading my blog.
Yes, I'm now an Arts teacher too! I have no idea what to teach them so I just teach them what I know best – how to draw humans/anime-looking people haha
This was taken during extra class one day. My extra class is super muhibbah one cause I have Chinese, Indian, Malay and orang asli students. This is a proud teacher moment, my kids teaching the other kids
Another super super proud teacher moment too! I had the kids write an essay and told them to be very creative with it. This is a boy reading another boy's essay (really funny essay) to another boy and laughing about it. LOVE it when they have fun with English!
This is so logical I absolutely cannot find a flaw in her premise hahahaha I love my kids.
Another proud teacher moment! Maybe I should just name this post "Proud teacher moments". These are my kids editing each other's essays before sending them in. I gave them the criteria I use to edit their essays and they switched books and marked their friend's essay.
After 40 minutes, none of them finished marking and complained "Teacher, it's so hard to mark!" I used that opportunity to give them a lecture on why it's important to read through their essay first before handing it in. Imagine 40 minutes per essay x 30 essays. And I have 5 classes' essays to read so 150 essays x 40 minutes = 6000 minutes!
"Imagine I have to spend 100 hours to mark all your essays every month! That's if I don't sleep, eat, go toilet or take a break at all. It's so sad ok, when my friends ask me out I have to say no. Do you want me to have no friends, no life and to die a lonely death by the river???!"
Kids: Noooo teacher!
"Yes! So pleaseeee check your essays first and please don't make so many mistakes. Or I'll haunt you forever"
Dramatic betul lah teacher ni.
One cheeky kid asked: kenapa nak mati tepi river teacher?
"Sebab macam kesian sikit hehe"
Class erupted into laugher. This class really knows how to feed my ego!
This is Jaya reading Peter and Jane Book 3A !!!! PROUD MAX! It took her 9 months to get here though but we'll still soldier on! Target is Book 5 by the end of this year. Although she can read better now (can pronounce words), it's still hard for her to comprehend what she's reading. Slowly..slowly.
Anyone knows the Oh My English crew? If you can get me connected to them, my kids and I will be indebted to you forever!!
This is why I need more books! I've been buying them for some of them (they love love love the Wimpy Kid's Diary series). This is from the best class so they can read higher level books. Please donate more books to me if you have some that you don't want anymore! Not too high level please, my better kids can only read books like Wimpy Kid's Diary, not even Enid Blyton yet.
To above and beyond! Misty drive back to my kampung.
Tyre suddenly erupted when I got into the highway on the way home last weekend. Thank god the ronda guy came to my rescue!
And I'm soooo thankful it happened at the highway. To get home, I have to go through 1-hour of isolated kampung roads before reaching the highway and if my tyre burst then, I wouldn't know what to do. There's no phone reception most of the journey and I don't know how to replace my tyre too. Actually, I do but I'm a chicken and am always scared to get out of my car if anything happens.
Thank you again LEKAS ronda guy! Don't know why so bad luck tyre burst for no reason
Amazing relaxing time with my abandoned 1Q84 and a cup of sweet potato latte and great company
Can't wait for December holidays although TFM fellows only get about 3 weeks off. Lots of work to do before then, and lots of planning to do during holidays too but I can't wait for not waking up at 6 a.m! I hate waking up so early can I just teach somewhere where I can wake up at a decent hour!
Anyway it's late (11.30 pm GASP) so time to sleep. Thanks for reading!
OH YEAH. Almost forgot my exciting news! I just got invited to speak at TEDx youth KL. Say whaaaaat?
p.s: sorry for the liberal use of exclamation marks and sorry if it got annoying. It's an exciting month so must punctuate with !!! to show how exciting everything is!]]>