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I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
2,468 thoughts on "Hate being a mom"
i don't think you hate being a mom, i think it's just that things are not like you'd thought they would be…this is not the movies, it's called life…get a grip and deal with reality. i you really hate being a mom vs. what i just said, you need to place your child(ren) with a family member or someone who will take good care of them instead of brooding. cause if there is one thing i know: "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"
If she says she hates being a mom, she probably does and it's not anybody else's place to tell her otherwise.
I suspect many women who are moms don't like it. Many women are pressured into motherhood by family members, friend, partners, and society at large. Many still see it as part of a life scripts, just something they're supposed to do. Others simply get pregnant and then don't do anything about it.
I think that the sexist expectation that all women should be mothers, that all of us will enjoy it has to end and the right to control our reproduction and life choices must be affirmed before any progress can be made in making motherhood better for those who choose it.
My infertility made me feel like a freak.
I sometimes feel the same way. I am a stay at home mom, and my husband is in the army. I'm here 24/7 because I have to be, I get time to go out sometimes. But ultimately I know I'm mom and dad when he's gone. I'm pregnant now, and have always worked except for the last 7 months, I hate it. I've decided the week after I give birth I'm going to find a job, you should think about it, even if it doesn't pay much. If you anticipate trouble paying for daycare, go to your local county office and see if there's some kind of assistance. You know soon after becoming a stay at home mom–if it's for you or not. It's just not for you. Talk to your husband about it.
How did things turn out for you?
Don't tell her how she feels. She says she hates being a mom. That means she hates being a mom. Yes, it is possible.
ol…so here it is. GO TO YOUR DOCTOR. You are most likely suffering from post partum depression. This can so easily be fixed!!
I suffer from post partum…Chinese herbs your exhausted darl….vitamins,relaxation..meditation music believe me it works…
I hate being a mom and I don't have post partum. I have a 6 month old and my son just turned 2. It sucks. Every single day that I'm home with these kids all day I hate it. And at the same exact time I'm an amazing mom. It's possible to be a great mom who doesn't have post partum and HATES being a mom. I hate the spit up, getting 4 hours of sleep, my toddler who won't eat anything and hits and bites me all day because he isn't say more than 25 words yet. The speech therapist is coming so hopefully that helps. This is all just a snipet of what I hate every single day about being a mom. I also now hate being a wife. I'm sick of taking care of all of these ungrateful little people. Unless someone is in your shoes they will never understand. It's easier for people to sit back and judge you.
Yeah, being a mom royally sucks sometimes. I love my little guy, but I didn't know things would be like this. I hate it when people say you knew what you were getting into blah blah blah. Those are people who don't have kids. You never know what you're getting into. My little one had health issues and, by necessity, I am mostly a SAHM who now has a part-time job. I sometimes have to just put my baby in the crib and cry. And I'm sick of hearing about PPD. I'm on Zoloft. I've had that conversation. It's just that when women become mothers, it seems we're not allowed to have independent identities anymore. And I don't want to hear how selfish we are. Our husbands are apparently allowed to have their own identities/lives. I personally feel like I died when this baby was born. I hate being a mom, too, but I LOVE my son. There's a lot of b.s. that goes with being a mom 24/7 and anyone who says they love being a mom all the time…either they're on some gooood drugs or they're one of those crazy Stepford sub-human women. Don't sweat it.
When you become a parent (mom or dad) you are in charge of another human being. You can make one mistake and that person could end up f*cked up. No body wants that for their kid. You have to always put your kid first. Period. You should have a personal identity, but if that's interfering with your child's life, maybe you shouldn't. I just can't seem to understand how some parents make the conscious decision of having kids and then they're like "yeah, that's not for me" and just abandon them. The kids will pay for their mistakes. If you didn't want kids why have them in the first place?
Because it's not always their "choice." They might choose it because their parents put pressure on them like they aren't normal if they don't want kids. Or society puts pressure on them like they aren't normal if they don't want kids. Or their husband puts pressure on them like they aren't normal if they don't have kids. I would get your critique if it wasn't considered practically a requirement as a woman to have kids. If you don't, you are called selfish and looked down on. People forget that humans need a society and human contact. It's a need. People start to go insane without human society. Even lack of physical human contact has a name: skin hunger (article here on it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/affectionado/201308/what-lack-affection-can-do-you) So, that's your answer. If someone didn't want a child, that is why they had them: to keep others in their lives. If people could not have children without societal costs, they would. Here's another article that helps with that entitled "Not Wanting Kids Is Entirely Normal," which, incidentally, is how I heard about this thread… https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/
85% of new mums report feeling high levels of anxiety on a regular basis. 75% say they sometimes feel "ambivalent" about their babies. What we call "post natal depression" is simply a normal reaction to a combination of physical pain, fatigue and the fact that your life has been turned upside down by a screaming, needy baby and you can never go back to the way things were. Having a baby is HARD WORK. Don't feel ashamed to admit it. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed.
What you need is someone to help you with the kids. Someone to take them off your hands once in a while. Who? A mother, a sister, a friend, another mother. You guys can switch. One day a week, you take care of yours and her kids, and she takes care of them another day. And that way you have one full day free for you and your husband, or friends – And I know even that could be stressful.
I guess it's important to remember and realise why you got kids to begin with. What is their purpose? What plans do you have for them. Everyone knows kids are good for procreation.. yata yata. Ok what else? Well think. When you die, who's going to remember you? Who's going to say remember when (name) did this? Who's going to pray for you constantly? Who's going to give charity and do good things on your behalf? Unless your some famous person, and even then, the answer is no one, but your kids. So yes, they make our lives horrible, but in the end, our legacy is in their hands. We might not have had the strength to change the world. But we can raise them with the hope that they will. That they will be leaders one day. And people will say, you know they're like that because their mother was a righteous woman. I know you're suffering, and suffocating. But you will be rewarded. At least in Islam! Islam teaches that heaven is under the feet of the mother. Your children will have to serve and honor you, and never can they repay you for the trouble you are going through. Islam recognizes this pain. But those around you should be there to help ease it. And never will your pain go unseen or unrewarded!
Also time. Give it time. Things will get better if God wills!
salam alikom,I'm 24 yr old mom tht had by god's plan 2 babies in the same yr…I was very touched by wt you wrote,and i have to agree tht's very true!
yeah u r so true
why would ya guys bitch about being a mom or parents? dont you have hearts? being a mom & having babies is wonderful. it's actually the best feeling you'll get. you guys dont deserve to be your kids' mothers if that's the case! you should love your kids more than anything else in the world & should love to spend more time with them. You shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place! you moms s*ck!
Get over yourself. Just because we make a sacrifice and a decision to take on the role of being a mother, doesn't mean that it isn't hard and that most of the time it isn't very fulfilling.
I know what your saying but everyone is different and some mums go through LOTS of emotional changes..ItS good there expressing it…I know its not idealic to have those feeling but you either express it on here or YELL at your kids..Give em a break HUMAN beings needd to be supportive and guide each other for a better future..
What drugs are you on? Pass some my way.
To never, ever, ever, *EVER* resent being a mother, to never feel overwhelmed, to never suffer from the blues, to never miss your life pre-children… how LUCKY you are to live in perfect, motherly bliss every hour of every day.
Get real. That, or lay off the prescription drugs. Being a mother is not always peaches and you know that.
God will not give you a gift if it's not meant for you. children are gifts from God. you should love them every single day. love your being a mom & all responsibilities that go with it. it may be the hardest job on earth but the most rewarding!
Why are you lying? You obviously hate being a mom, or else you wouldn't be here. List the 'rewards' of parenting. I dare you to try to find five.
Hahaha this thread is ridiculous. I'd hate being a mum if I didn't choose to let this one go. Embrace the hate, I reckon. Get into some self destructive angry sport like boxing or cage fighting and punch it out. Don't take it out on the kid, that's not fair, take it out on your body. Satisfying.
I admire your courage and I agree with you 100%!
I admire you and agree with you 100%!
You are not alone. I don't know your circumstances or what is causing your depression. I just want you to know that there are other moms out here that feel the same way and support whatever it is that you have to do in order to feel better. I hate being a mom too. My child brings 99% heartache and 1% joy. My son is not my biolgical child, I adopted him when he was three with my husband. My son has emotional disturbance. He is diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mood Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. He is 7, and has to be placed in special ed. because he gets angry at everything and takes it out on other kids and things at school like hitting, biting, yelling, pushing, slapping, refusing to obey, etc. I have heard more advice from well intenioned people than I care to mention. I've tried almost every parenting approach possible over the last 4 years to help him. He not only sees a behavioral/mental health pediatrician but also a specialized counselor. In addition- I am a first grade teacher (I love kids), and have a background in special education and helping kids with autism. It does not matter how much training you have when you are living with a challenging child 24-7. You lose yourself, friends, and anything that you once found enjoyable because you constantly worry about your child and other people don't want to be around him. I have had to resort to medication for myself because the stress was hurting me emotionally and physically. I know that I am not a bad mother. In fact, even though I feel this way, I have been told that I am a good mother by just about everyone. As for your child being you legacy, that is a lot of responsibility for them. I just hope that my son will not turn out to be a criminal. To top everything else off, I've figured out that I have spent about 10,000 on daycare, treatment, doctors, counselors, and medicine over the past three years on my son. His biological mother feels that she does not have to contribute anything financial eventhough she is mostly responsible for his problems! For the past three months I have been trying to figure out a way to get out of this hell that I am in. I love my husband, but I hate being a mom. I don't know if I would feel the same if he were my biological child. All I know is that I have poured my heart and soul into this little boy and am completely drained. I don't think that I would have the energy for a child of my own, and am now completely scared that mine could have problems too. For instance,this morning he was sneaking food again and hiding it under the couch, then he urinated all over the living room floor in front of the tv because he said he was too lazy to go to the bathroom. I'm just too tired, and want to say its ok that you are feeling the way that you are. You have your reasons. Get whatever help you need, not all of us are earth mothers or believers in that God gives you what you can handle. Usually that advice comes from people that have no idea what it is like to live with a child that can scream for 5 hours straight, bite, and destroy everything in your home. Judge you situation for yourself, and ask whoever criticizes you to try walking a mile in your shoes. To all of the mothers that have responded before me, I would be happy to watch all of your children for a month if you could handle mine for just one afternoon. And no… we all didn't realize what we were getting into. Sometimes good intentions can have really shitty results.
You are doing a good job despite the fact he is not yours. Many people say it will get better in time but when your living in hell you want it to be better now! I hope you remain strong and I hope his behaviour will improve x
my heart really aches for you. i cannot imagine what you are going through. i have two healthy children and I curse my days and nights. although i cannot 'fake the funk' and make myself believe that I like motherhood, I have to say that reading your post will give me pause throughout the day. i'm an atheist so i won't give you any god talk. you have a very hard life and i wish you all the peace you can possibly find. you sound like a really good person. thank you for posting.
I liked reading your story. Mine is similar. Its pretty easy to blame yourself for the kids problems ie. lazy, glutton, etc. I didnt raise him right and thats what I battle with…guilt. I want to move to a better community where he can play with other kids outside in a neighboorhood…I am really tired of going to counselors and doctors and now I have to home school him…which is not progressing…What to do….the rage was helped with intunive a very nice med…
Wow, you are speaking my language. I hope you still come here from time to time. My child is one I birthed, he was a preemie and every feeling you described is how I feel about him sometimes. I just found this site, and plan to use it a place to vent.
I was not able to have children, despite several attempts. I thought about adoption, but my husband wasn't into that idea at all. I was fearful that adopting a child would cause my husband and I to grow apart if it turned out to be more difficult than I had anticipated. My want to maintain the strength of my marriage was stronger than my want to be a mother.
I truly appreciate everyone's honesty on this thread, because scociety says that your life will be meaningless without children. My husband and I want to both work remotely in the next 5 years, buy a villa on the ocean in Mexico or South America, and live the snowbird lifestyle now vs waiting for retirement.
lovebeingamom- you're the sick one if you think that all women who have children should relish it like you and that having babies, in any situation, should never be viewed as anything but simply wonderful. Many women who get pregnant..(some thru no fault of their own, like failing birth control or refusal of their partners or family to support a decision of abortion or adoption) are not meant to be mothers! Why the fuc@ does society keep pimping this ideal that because you have a vagina you must spit out a kid and love every minute of it. Women like you disgust me!!! Google "i hate being a mom" and you'll see there are some great mothers out there…including myself…who love their children….but just hate being a mother…..if you don't understand, (which any idiot could tell from your post that you wouldn't), just read the posts with an open heart instead of like a judgemental bitch and maybe just maybe you will have a little compassion and understanding of the plight of many of these women.
amen! thank you-
Oh stop being an a**hole.
These good and truthful women here on this thread are doing a brave thing by admitting to themselves and others that this crap aint all it's cracked up to be.
I am being HOUNDED to have a baby by Mother-in-law, friends, family…you name it, and reading this blog makes me feel like I have truly dodged a bullet.
THANK YOU good Mom's out there for telling it like it is, and warning people like me what to really expect so we can make well thought out decisions.
Hang in there…for what it's worth, I appreciate you.
My mom is a great mom and loves us dearly and wouldn't trade us for the world. However, it saddens me how hard she worked, how much stress she handled and the toll it took on her. She loves me but even she confesses having two kids "nearly killed me". Her words exactly. Parenting is not for everybody. Certainly not for me. As for people who want to be parents, they need to be knowledgeable about exactly what they're getting themselves into. People underestimate the responsibilities of parenting grossly.
For all moms having a rough time and may even hate being a mom- the name of the site is called BellaOnline
Hi. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. It helps mothers to know they are not alone. I'm a Christian and I had my child because I was taught that it was wrong to have an abortion. I love my son. He is so beautiful. But I hate being a mother. I'm a single mother with very little support. It's really hard. Everyone feels for the children but no-one cares for the mothers. We have to put on this fake facade of being a contented mother when inside we're miserable. I've never felt so judged and unappreciated. I have strangers coming up to me and criticising me because my child is throwing a tantrum or because he's misbehaving. It makes me hate being a mum because I can't even take my child out, afraid of what people will think of me. No one ever judges the men. The men can do whatever they want. A man does one little thing for their child and they're a big hero. Women are just expected to do everything without any complaint. I was doing well for a while but I just can't keep it up. I'm going to a counsellor soon so I hope that helps. This world is a cold harsh place where everyone wants to blame mothers for everything. It's very hard to love and encourage someone else when you don't get it yourself. Telling a mother they should just love their child because they're so blessed to have them doesn't help. It's just pious pharisee talk. Mourn with those who mourn. In other words, show some empathy.
I understand what you guys are going through.. We all love our kids to bits but being a mum is the hardest thing I have ever done and some days I just don't feel like being a mum but I know that I have too! It's even harder I think being an older mum (prob some younger mums will disagree!!) because you are so set in your ways.. I think for me the lack of sleep is the hardest… My LO is 2 and we still get broken nights sleep coz of teeth etc. Remember ladies they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture so no wonder we feel like we feel! It's good to know that other people feel the same – that in itself to me is a comfort coz otherwise you feel like the most ungrateful woman and biggest bitch in the world! I have decided for me to now put my LO in nursery 3 mornings a week so that I have some time for me – if only to clean the house and recharge my batteries!! Hang in there girlfriends it will get better XX
[quote comment="4166″]Hi. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. It helps mothers to know they are not alone. I'm a Christian and I had my child because I was taught that it was wrong to have an abortion. I love my son. He is so beautiful. But I hate being a mother. I'm a single mother with very little support. It's really hard. Everyone feels for the children but no-one cares for the mothers. We have to put on this fake facade of being a contented mother when inside we're miserable. I've never felt so judged and unappreciated. I have strangers coming up to me and criticising me because my child is throwing a tantrum or because he's misbehaving. It makes me hate being a mum because I can't even take my child out, afraid of what people will think of me. No one ever judges the men. The men can do whatever they want. A man does one little thing for their child and they're a big hero. Women are just expected to do everything without any complaint. I was doing well for a while but I just can't keep it up. I'm going to a counsellor soon so I hope that helps. This world is a cold harsh place where everyone wants to blame mothers for everything. It's very hard to love and encourage someone else when you don't get it yourself. Telling a mother they should just love their child because they're so blessed to have them doesn't help. It's just pious pharisee talk. Mourn with those who mourn. In other words, show some empathy.[/quote]
I agree 100% with you. I am in a similar situation in that I do not like being a mom although I love my daughter. My baby had colic and would scream for 6-8 hours straight each night. She would start around 6 or 8 pm and not stop until midnight or 3am. Everyone would talk about how hard that must be for the baby but failed to acknowledge what the experience was like for me. Everyone expects me to care for a child while owning my own business (which equates to working 40+hours a week.) And sees the fact of her still waking up every 3 hours to eat eventhough she is 7 months old as being something that comes with the territory of motherhood. If my husband gets up with her one night then everyone is applauding him. Yet for me it is expected. He wanted kids more then I did! I love my husband but seeing how so much is expected from me and so little is expected from him is tearing me apart. I am ready to walk out and leave. I will still care for my baby but that way the responsibility would finally be EQUAL.
I feel your pain. I don't even think I love my husband anymore, it's so difficult to tell with all the resentment.
you sound very selfish and insecure and should've been taking the pill.
You know whats the best part of having kids is?
Making them
I can totally relate to hating being a mom. Not that I hate being the mother of my son, who I love. It's that I hate everything else that comes with it. My husband disappears to "do work" on the computer and leaves me to do the majority of the work, which I won't put up with. I have become the nagging woman I can't stand. Not to mention that almost every mother I know has become a complete fat ass, often because they're so depressed that it's their only comfort, not to mention that in many cases they're made to feel bad for "taking time from the kids" and that they're a bad mother. I work 40 hours a week, which feels like a vacation compared to staying home and picking up after 2 people besides myself. It pretty much sucks and I can't wait to get back to work on Tuesday.
April, one never knows until you've walked a mile in another's shoes!
I am going to be as blunt as I can be because I keep putting myself down for feeling this way…
I am up at 11:30pm- this is the only time to myself. I can't sleep and I am depressed that I hate being a Mom too. I never expected the problems! Anti-depressants are not an option. I've tried increasing exercise.
Long story short– We tried for several years;many miscarriages. And at age 49 we had our child. I had NO idea that this would be the hardest experience! Our child is now 2.8years; my husband & I differ on discipline. She is very self determined and whines when Dad comes home constantly. It is worse to me than finger nails on a chalk board. Don't tell me we need counseling — my husband will said, "you pick a counselor and I will go". I've gone & its come to leaving because of the increased hostility. His life is almost as it use to be and he goes off on weekends hunting, fishing, etc. I would love to have the mental health breaks he takes. As a couple we don't work together much less treat each other the same. We use to be a pretty dynamic couple. Maybe it was my illusion. She sees our poor communication. You know the rest of the story. I've been a professional for many years. Lost my job 8 months after she was born. I know he resents the loss of good income-he's a competent professional, but I think he got use to not having to be so financially responsible. I am cut out for some of these, but not all: constant cleaning, directing,cooking, mowing the lawns, grocery shopping, bill paying, Dr. appts, & disorganized days. It is far easier to work than to run a household. I somehow try to focus most on helping our daughter learn, grow into a flourishing grownup. If it was just raising her without the relationship deterioration — maybe I would be able to handle the days better. I've seriously thought I made a huge mistake.
Then put your baby or toddler or whatever on Daycare and get a job. Problem solved! And stop feeling sorry for yourself. You knew the situation you were getting into when you got pregnant. Don't get pregnant again if you feel this way.
You know what i hate? I hate it when someone makes a statement like this and everyone does the " boo hoo get a life" answer. I love being a stay-at-home-mom, what i don't like is the fact that I've become a boring nanny/maid to my husband. I never have new stuff to say, so he isn't interested in listening to what i have to say. Money is his money, so I can't buy him anything b/c it's wasteing his money. I don't have friends anymore, b/c again they aren't interested in what i did with the kids or how i cleaned or boo boo's i mooched. So it becomes that everyday I am waiting for my husband to come home because i miss him and want adult conversation, so I dress up and put on a little makeup so i can look nice for him. Then instead it'd be a phone call saying he's heading to the movies with a couple of friends, or he's on the phone since the minute he walks in the door, or he says that he just wants to sit at the computer. So i'll stay up and wait for some kind of interaction. Kids go to bed.. still waiting… 2am finally we go to bed. So then i try to get interested in the same stuff he is just to interact with him.. but sometimes you get sick of playing video games EVERY night.
You say,".. well put your kids into daycare, blah blah blah…" Well when your husband makes only enough to cover rent andmoney problems dwelling… it's kinda hard to find the funds to do it. I need to work, so that we can get ahead, but i can't afford to work just to pay for childcare. So then i'm at home.
So yea if i say i hate being an at home mom, don't put it down until you've been exactly where I or even that person is in their life. Sometimes you just want to know that you aren't the only one in the universe who feels that way. Excuse me while i get the kids ready for bed, and clean the house so that when my husband gets home his friends are coming over, then they are going out to see a movie that I also would like see.
I hate being a mom! I don't know if its the sleep deprivation or the post pardom.. but I friggim HATE this SH!T!!! I get no sleep. and have to take care of a house and child all by myself!! no friends and family to help me out. my husband works long hours and only comes home to sleep and then he's gone again. we don't even sleep in the same room! I'm trapped in the bedroom with the baby and he gets all the uninterupted sleep he wants in the spare room! we PLANED this baby! however I did not plan on it ending up this way!! I use to look down and judge women in the position I'm in! I didn't even want kids!! my husband wanted a baby. so to make my husband happy. we had her. now I wish I stuck to my guns and said NO!!! I don't hate this baby. I love her. she's a cutie. but to say that I never feel angry that I'm stuck with her all the time for every cry, scream, feeding, changing, & bathing! would be a bold faced lie! my life sucks now! I can't do anything I want. and yes that sounds selfish. but I miss being an adult!! I'm just overwhelmed with baby baby baby everything!! I almost want to start drinking in the day just so I can relax and take the edge off!! that or start doing drugs! maybe start popping pills! sh!t I don't know… I just know I'm unhappy. and would rather kill myself than cause any harm to my baby or give her up. I acctually do feel like killing myself somedays!…. I wish I knew a way out of this.. I didn't know it would be THIS hard. I only had a general Idea of what I was getting into. the finer details NO ONE shared with me are the ones that are kicking my ass! and I'm also sick and tired of other strainger mommys poppin in with their 2 cents laughing and saying yeah that's normal. soon you'll want another one. bull! I'm getting my tubes tied and ripped out of my body!!… I guess I deserve this.. it is my own personal hell…
done: just wanted to say i love your words here and you sound like me talking. i just don't have the energy to think straight to type so descriptively. my TWINS have ruined my life but i love them. i adore them, and every night after they go to bed (until the first middle of the night screamfest, that is) i look through my phone at all the pictures or videos that I took of them that day because i just am so in love with them, i love to see their faces. i had no idea you could feel both things (love for the children and utter hatred for the job) simultaneously. my life is OVER OVER OVER. my six-figure career and all of my professional and some personal friends are GONE. don't anyone tell me i need to make more time for myself/take care of myself, etc. Anyone who says that to me just proves how totally clueless they are about what it takes to be a SAHM. There is NO time for that!!!! I too am so PISSED that so many people in my life did not give the specific information on all the little things that are kicking my ass. i am still trying to find out if anyone in my life actually hates being a mom or wishes she had not had so many children but was just afraid to say it and when i find out i'm going to talk to them about it it. I will NOT make the same mistake to the next person who comes along who asks me advice and I am so DONE cooing and oohing and ahhing over babies. I'm not mean or heartless, but my new tone is more factual and real and merely polite. And for gods sake: the next time you see a set of cute twins at the mall dressed the same in a big double stroller, think of me. Because it could be me pushing that stroller thinking "these people have NO IDEA how frickin hard this is. stop telling me how blessed i am. i hate it". my husband got his vasectomy within 3 months of these babies and I they are a year now and i have never been so sure of anything in my life. you could not pay me millions of dollars to have another kid.
venting feels good. thanks.
I hear ya! I hate, hate, hate BEING a mom. I hate every moment of it and that I have to put on a happy face because I can't tell anyone how much I dislike this part of my life.
I have an incredible husband is helpful, supportive and just fed up with the kids too – we adopted two children who are now 8 and 10.
I don't enjoy being around their NEEDINESS and BEING a mom. I love my kids, but it I wish I never adopted.
It has NOTHING to do with them being adopted, as I helped raise my Godson for 7 years and I NEVER felt like this with him. I enjoyed being with him and I still do. He is now 12.
For those who try to paint a "oh, they are just blessings to all of us, enjoy every moment" – what are you smoking? Are you the ones who life completely revolves around your kids? You will crumble when you are no longer the center of their world.
I applaud those who wrote truth. Thank you for giving me the courage to stand up and say "we love our kids, but we hate the JOB!"
Anyone ever hated a job before? This is a JOB…
hang in there, ladies. I am trying.
To all you people commenting on this as well as the person whom originated this comment saying how you hate being a mom? SHAME ON YOU! I Would never say that and I have three kids of my own ranging from 16 and barely driving and could careless if he graduates to a 13 year old hormonal daughter who is a utter witch on a daily bases as well as a six year old feisty red head who hates homework… Yes, it is allot of "work" and at most times very stressful but I would never ever say I hate being a mom…. it just shows how selfish you are and how you want all the time in the world for you and you only….. you should have thought of that before having kids……Pathetic!
Oh and for all you "stay at home moms whom bitch about how the husband works all these hours while you clean and wipe asses and they get all the freedom to come and go and never have to wake up at night with the baby? That's your own damn fault for giving them that leeway to begin with. You have shown them that it's ok for them to have all the alone time they need while you sit back and continue to jump to the needs of them and the kids doing as you do all day long. Get a back bone and put your foot down. I hate when women whine and cry about this crap but never take action to fix it…
I completely understand! I couldn't get pg for 4 yrs and thought I really wanted a child. After 2 yrs of thinking about it, we decided to adopt. We just brought her back 2 1/2 months ago. I cannot stand it. I feel trapped. I would give it all back in a second without even thinking about it. I'm glad to know others share some of my feelings. I keep fantasizing that I will wake up and it will all just be a bad dream…and then feel so relieved. BUT it won't happen! I feel for you!
as an adoptee i am deeply disturbed by your comment. how terrible that this child has an adoptive mother who doesnt want her. its bad enough losing a natural family without being placed with a silly immature selfish woman who didnt know what she was getting herself into and would give you back if she could.
I am a 39 year old mother of 3 2 1/2 old twins and a 15 month old. I always dreamt of having children and being a SAHM. My husband and I couldn't get pregnant after 8 years of marriage and finally resorted to IVF. The first try we were pregnant with twins. The pregancy was the worst thing ever.. I hated every minute of it.. I was always sick. And had every bad symptom you could have from being pregnant. They were born at 7.1 lbs and 7.8 lbs. I was working up until they were 1 year, doing all of the "household" duties and working and taking care of them, then I lost my job. We had one embryo left and didn't have the heart to have it destroyed, so we had it implanted and we were pregnant again with number 3 when the twins were 11 months old. I am like alot of other moms with the same feelings. I love my children, but I hate the 24/7 job. I am frustrated 90% of my day and cry alot. I can't remember the last time that I was truely happy. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I don't even think I can blame it on PPD because my kids are too old now. I also got a prescription for antidepresants, but my husband is dead set against me taking them and being labled as "depressed", so I never took them. My husband cannot even fathom how a woman couldn't stand being home with her kids, he thinks I should love every minute of it. He also thinks all woman were "built" to handle this, and that I should have more patience because I am a woman. We have just started marriage counseling, but I honestly think it might be too late. We have nothing in common anymore. We used to be best friends, and I really miss that. He just has "NO IDEA" what I am going through and has no idea how to help me cope and deal with these issues and feeling I've needed so much help, mentally and physically over the last three years and got none. I don't even know where to go for help anymore. Our families all have families of their own and unfortunately never offer any help, and I am not one to ask for it. In all of the time that we have had our kids, I have never been away from them for more than a couple of hours. It's very sad. We don't have the money for daycare or nannies. There is just none of "ME" left anymore. I did get a little relief from these postings, knowing that I am not the only one. It kills me inside, knowing that I am such a horrible mom, that just can't stand all the drama of being a mom. I hope for the sake of my my family and I, that I can find some sort of happiness.
I hate being a mom too! I love my child more than anything in the world but my whole life is over now that I have a kid. I can't do anything or go anywhere and being a stay at home mom makes me feel completely worthless and bored. It is nice to read that we are not alone in feeling this way. I know I will never be able to go through having more kids and I do feel guilty that my child will most likely be an only child but I know its best for my sanity and marriage. Being a mom sucks!
I thought I was the only one in the world that feels this way, I was feeling terrible thinking that I was commiting a terrible sin and that God may punish me taking away my baby, but now I know for sure I am not the only one. I hate trying to keep my house organized, I hate cleaning it, I hate sweaping the kitchen´s floor 4-5 times a day…depending on my son´s meals and if I don´t do it it looks like a war zone, I hate feeding him more than an hour for lunch and dinner each, I hate not being in the mood to take him for a walk cuz I am too tired for the chores, I hate that mu husbands is away ALL DAY LONG working, in fact I am jealous of him, I feel alone, I want my house to be neat, so I dedicate much time to it by the time I am done I am not even hungry and it´s almost 4-5pm, so I have lost many pounds, right now I am barely 94 pounds…sometimes I ask God for forgiveness because I think my life was easier when Thomas wasn´t with us, I am terribly sorry for saying this, it hurts me so bad admitting this, I feel like a monster for feeling this, I am confused wheter I am a good person or what?. I can´t believe I have this feelings for my baby, but at the same time he is my reason to live, I love him soooo much, I would give my life for him, is just that the work involved of raising him is too much for me, I can´t handle it, I think I might not be over the all post-p depression or something, anyway at least I am not the only one
you are not alone. PLEASE stop beating yourself up with your religion/God/beliefs. you are not a bad person and as you can see, MANY MANY other women out there feel as you do and might even hate it worse than you. It bothers me when people feel sooo guilty due to their religious beliefs. Do you realize most of the entire earth has never even heard of Jesus or God as you understand Him? Hopefully that gives you some perspective. Feel your feelings. It is so much healthier than wondering if your god is mad at you. You'll never know that for sure. Never.
I love my kids but I HATE being a stay-at-home mom, mainly because I can't stand most other SAHMs. Many are so mean and judgmental, and have nothing to talk about but scrapbooking and their kids. I'm looking to get back into my old field at least part-time. I can't hack the SAHM thing. After working for 13 years in IT, I was usually around men and women all day, but as a SAHM, I'm stuck in mom's groups with very catty women and it's very boring. I love my kids though, just hate the job.
Feel the same about these moms groups. I got a diploma as a programmer but couldn't launch my career. I'm starting to think about abandoning it and choosing something else to do. I'm stuck at home with the kids and at night I feel too exausted to do any job that requires a lot of concentration. I noticed in IT part of the work is to actually figure things out on your own, no one sits with you and explain the ABCs. Anyway, counting the days for my 3 kids to grow, get married and leave the house :). Love them more than anything, for them I do any and everything, but the job of mom/house-keeper really really really sucks. And I guess those women we were talking about enjoy every minute of it…paradoxal.
I'm also fed up of being a sahm. I've got a 3 year old and a 9 month old and I've only really felt like this since my youngest has come along. I do have days where I wish I never had him as we were all so happy before, but then I feel really bad for thinking like that as he is a gorgeous little boy and I do love him. I just feel so numb, fed up, tired, bored, worthless and like the old me died when I had children. I've tried telling my oh but he really is not interested and doesn't listen to me. He thinks that if he keeps telling me I'm a great mum it'll make me feel better – well it doesn't I know I'm a crap mum!!
I just want my life back!!!
[quote comment="4452″]I hate being a mom! I don't know if its the sleep deprivation or the post pardom.. but I friggim HATE this SH!T!!! I get no sleep. and have to take care of a house and child all by myself!! no friends and family to help me out. my husband works long hours and only comes home to sleep and then he's gone again. we don't even sleep in the same room! I'm trapped in the bedroom with the baby and he gets all the uninterupted sleep he wants in the spare room! we PLANED this baby! however I did not plan on it ending up this way!! I use to look down and judge women in the position I'm in! I didn't even want kids!! my husband wanted a baby. so to make my husband happy. we had her. now I wish I stuck to my guns and said NO!!! I don't hate this baby. I love her. she's a cutie. but to say that I never feel angry that I'm stuck with her all the time for every cry, scream, feeding, changing, & bathing! would be a bold faced lie! my life sucks now! I can't do anything I want. and yes that sounds selfish. but I miss being an adult!! I'm just overwhelmed with baby baby baby everything!! I almost want to start drinking in the day just so I can relax and take the edge off!! that or start doing drugs! maybe start popping pills! sh!t I don't know… I just know I'm unhappy. and would rather kill myself than cause any harm to my baby or give her up. I acctually do feel like killing myself somedays!…. I wish I knew a way out of this.. I didn't know it would be THIS hard. I only had a general Idea of what I was getting into. the finer details NO ONE shared with me are the ones that are kicking my ass! and I'm also sick and tired of other strainger mommys poppin in with their 2 cents laughing and saying yeah that's normal. soon you'll want another one. bull! I'm getting my tubes tied and ripped out of my body!!… I guess I deserve this.. it is my own personal hell…[/quote]
Ugh, I read your post, I feel the same way, wanted to cry cause I thought I was all alone in how I feel. I left my husband because of how depressed I was being a mom, and also how much resentment I felt towards him for "making me" have a baby (he did not make me, he just really wanted one and I was abivalent but went along with it to please him; now I hate him). I a constantly depressed, major anxiety, GUILT GUILT GUILT all the time, but mainly just pine all day for the life and independence I use to have. I ADORE my son, not enough words to describe how much I love him, but HATE being a mother. How is that possible??? And now becasue I am divorced I have to care for myself financially as well, can't move out of state to be closer to 'my family', can't move out of state for a 'better job'. Why did I not think of the consequences better?????? Why is the pull for reproduction after marriage so strong?? Everyone telling you "when are you going to have kids", you just assume that's what you need to do…. BSSSS!!
Maybe if your husbyou and yourself CHANGED ROLES…he needs to help you mate..its frigged that u stay home and take full responsibilty for your child because at this stage she is just yours….HE needs to help u cause all that other mum bull and family members helping means DIDLY….family meeting time I say,stanad up be forceful make the change you need…You can do it..
skip off to the clinic and get an IUD.No one has to know why you 'just don't seem to be falling pregnant' if you are overwhelmed and don't want another.
It's your body after all…and your reproductive right to choose how many children you have.
I hate to suggest being sneaky…but it seems like everyone here is SO WORN OUT, I just imagine how hard it would be having the 'I don't want another baby' conversation with a sticky, screaming infant hanging off your boob, only to be told you are being selfish.
Screw that,but sometimes what they don't know can't hurt them.
(And if you did change your mind…poof, they take it out. No biggie.)
Some of these posts were refreshingly honest and made me laugh. I googled "moms who hate cooking and cleaning" because it is six fifteen and my son is eating snacks while I stare at the stupid, kind of messy kitchen and wonder what the hell to fix. Fortunately, I have been blessed with the best husband in the world and that makes a lot of difference. The man actually likes to cook and comes home from working eight hours and cooks. But I feel guilty and his repertoire is somewhat limited as is mine. I cook a couple of times a week and he works all day and then works in the evenings. Those evenings he works and I cook. I also do the cleaning. He tries to help but he's even worse at it than I am. But he is a great help. I would absolutely lose my mind if it weren't for him. I have the flu right now- have had it for two weeks, and am working on three different projects, no pay, hoping I will get paid one day, and cleaning- I hate cleaning. When I don't have the flu and am not working, looking for employment, cleaning is alright. My son is six but I want to be more present for him, play with him be with him. He encourages me in my career, but I kind of feel that if I succombed to being a mostly stay at home, he would find me boring. One day I had dinner all made, the house perfect, my son bathed and he just looked at me and said, "Did you write today?" I am a writer and he is too. Baby hood is hard, ladies, but the kid gets older and you get thru it (unless you are the ladu with the kid with attachment issues- my prayers go out to you.) Please, join as many mommy groups as you can, f- the cleaning- clean your kitchen and your bathroom and be lackadaisical about the rest. Go to the library, see if there are any mommy and movies (many major cinemas offer them you can take your baby to the movies) join the YMCA, take your baby to a swimming class, mom aerobics class and rent movies from the library to watch while you nurse. Take it easy and and get outside. It helos
Yes, I love my child, am pregnant with a second, but dislike the JOB. It is not their fault, but I am just tired of all the dumb itsy bitsy spiders, play groups, and numb-minded stuff that accompanies this. I am pursuing my MSc, and that is both my anchor and my escape. One day I will have a job where I use my mind on a higher level. Poopy diapers and temper-tantrums will be a distant memory one day…..sigh!
Ladies- thanks for your honesty. I heard a great saying from a friend's doctor:
You're not a bad mom if you THINK about putting your baby in the trash, you're a bad mom when you actually PUT your baby in the trash!
It is okay to be honest with yourself and cry a little. Even if you wanted them, even when your friends can't conceive and want kids- it is YOUR life! nuff said!
I am glad to know that I'm not alone. I recently went from being a working mother in a professional career to a SAHM. For the last year and 1/2 I have felt trapped in this house. I have children ranging in age from 14 to 7months and most days feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but I NEVER even remotely had the inclination to be a SAHM. No, this current status was brung about by cosmic forces, a slumping economy, corporate downsizing, and a move to a new locale. So on top of my lothing the SAHM thing I don't have any friends here or even family to see.
I've told my husband that I'm not happy and he does say that he wish he could help me get back to the old me. What he doesn't do is actually help out unless I have a classic "mom on strike" tantrum. He works 12 hour days then comes home and sleeps till approx 3-4 hrs b4 it's his time to return to work. I really have begun to resent him and this whole lifestyle. I want to run…far far away, or at least hire a helper. But that's not feasable so i've resorted to making Xanax my new best friend to help me cope. I'm depressed, I'm sad, I feel isolated, and I have NEVER been the Suzy homemaker, Donna Reed, arts & crafts mom. I was once a power broker, I traveled, had adult interaction, and still had mommy time and attended to all my kids functions. My life ran at 100 miles an hour but for mr there was balence and I loved it. Now there is no balence. I am x's mommy and that is it. I'm still in the process of looking for even a part time job bc (and pls forgive if this offends) I never wanted to be that woman who's sole goal in life was to be a SAHM and defines herself as such. I love my kids but I need something for me that's not kid related. There's nothing sadder than seeing a woman who dedicated her whole existance to only being someones mom then the kids grow up, leave, take flight, and that woman becomes clueless as to what to do, who she is, and her role and contribution in life.
I love my son, can't stand motherhood though…or as others have put it the "JOB". Not sure I'll ever have more children. Lonely most of the time, lonely all of the time actually. Starving for adult friendships, but I don't have the time or resources to invest in them. Sometimes I'd like to hop on a plain and fly far away from this life. I'm so glad to read about all of the moms who feel as frustrated and stuck as I do. As for those who condemn all of us who are suffering, I can't wait until you find yourselves stuck in an agonizing situation. What you don't experience, you'll never understand…so if it happens, I hope life lays it on real thick; smothers you in your despair. I just need a breath of fresh air, or a companion to laugh with and feel human touch.
Thank you to all of the moms who shared their feelings of frustration. You made me smile and laugh when I didn't think that was possible. I love my son, but don't love being a mom, and the guilt that comes with feeling this way is suffocating. For all the moms that scoff at the rest of us, haven't you heard of compassion?? Although you don't and obviously can't understand what others are saying/feeling maybe you should try one of the rules you must teach your kids (since of course you must be the perfect mom) and not say (or in this instance type) anything if you can't say something nice. Back off and go scold your kid instead of the gals on this board! ;)
I'm so glad I'm not alone. I hate being a mom. I hate being at home. When my daughter was born I was working on a Ph.D. For two years I was stuck at home cleaning, cooking, changing diapers and I hated it. I hated it so badly I was suicial almost all of the time. I went from one anti-depressant to another trying to get better. Though the medication kept me alive, it didn't do much more than that. Luckily for me, I am still in the military reserves. When our finances were at their absolute worst, my husband agreed to let me go to war in Iraq. Believe it or not, being at war was a great blessing. My migranes went away, and after a couple of months I was off my anti-depressants and feeling positive about myself and the future. Now I'm back home, and the shadows are creeping back in. I just spent a long day trying to amuse and entertain my two daughters. (My husband is away on vacation – we're separated.) I hate being a mom. I can't even call a friend on the phone because the moment I pick the phone up the girls are all over me interrupting me and making it impossible to speak. None of my friends have kids, and they don't want to be around mine. My family isn't nearby. There's no support, no sanity, and if I could do it all over again I would have never married my husband and NEVER had children. Never. My mom always told me that my life would be over when I had kids. At the same time, she wanted grandchildren. What the hell?!? My husband told me reproduction was biological. I told him so was screwing a bunch of women who weren't your spouse, but we rise about our biological urges because we are enlightened. Like some of the others posting here, I gave in. It only takes one night, one moment of weakness, to change your life forever. And it isn't as if you can return the kids.
I don't care if I'm remembered after I die. I don't care what the girls accomplish. I don't care if anyone visits my grave. I just want to be happy again. I hate being suicidal and I hate the violent temper this brings out in me.
God willing I'll get a job soon, be out of the house. I'll go to Afghanistan if I have to. Going to war is much easier than being a mom – trust me. And at least you can earn medals when you're at war.
Hang in there. There's a new day dawning. You can talk to me if you like.
wow you are my new best friend. I read what you awrote and it was like you were typing my exact thought and feelings that I have always had since becoming a mom. i am not in the service, no unfortunately i can;t get away. i stayed home the first year to breastfeed, which was OK but i decided right there and then i was never going to stay home again. well, i worked for the next year, after my daughter turned 1, and put her in daycare. however, i lost my job in july of 09 and have been home, unemployed ever since. i am again, feeling suicidal and miserable. i hate my life, i hate that i have no progress, i hate that i can't do what i want for ME…etc etc etc.
my only solace is that i am almost done ith my bachelor's…but still, i have a LONNNNNG way to go if i want to make enough money to pay other people to watch her so i can maintain my sanity, and make enough $$ to support a home. there are no shortcuts, no easy ways out, it sucks, i can;t even get a job right now. thanks for posting, its nice to know i am not alone in how i feel.
agent99: thank you for posting, i love it. love your words.
i agree 100% and believe me ur not alone 2 all the people who h8 being a mom i supose alot of us would have waited if we knew how hard it really is,it feels like uve lost everything friends freedom job ect and gained sleepless nights and dirty nappys! if theres 1 thing i have learnt is things do get better believe it or not i was at my witts end not so long ago even feelt like ending it as i couldnt cope people would say it gets better and i didnt believe them but it does
I love being childfree. I have my freedom can go out or stay in bed until noon on Sundays.
Reading this gave me a good laugh.
You make your bed.
No one forced you to have kids.
This is what I am missing out on ha ha ha!
I love being childfree too. I make fun of all these whining mommies who desperately wanted a baybee but now want to flush it down the toilet because it's not all "Kodak moments"
I'm having fun screwing their husbands because they don't recognize the woman they married and the wife doesn't pay attention to the husband anymore.
Childfreebychoice: that's a nasty reply. i'm sure you've made some bad decisions in your life that we desperate mothers have not made and you would not appreciate one of us "ha-ha'ing" you about them. whatever painful thing you have going on from which you cannot ever escape, i hope it continues. ha ha ha.
I am so impressed by your honesty and bravery in posting your feelings, gals.
Just a word to the wise for you. When you get outrageous insulting comments, please understand that these people are trolling to enjoy your reaction to their baiting, and don't even bother to talk to them. Their purpose is to get people riled up, not contribute. It makes them feel powerful when they get a reaction, and their ego grows directly in proportion to the response. Once you know that, you can cast off troll-like comments and collectively ignore them, or just plain call em out on trollin. Works like a charm.
Signs of Trolls
– constantly pointing out spelling errors in posts.
-When responding to a post, they will often include some or all of that post and respond to it line-by-line.
-the troll will complain about how the entire board is always "picking on them".
– rarely, if ever, contributing to the board itself.
-responding to nearly every poster in a thread individually. Rather than reading the entire thread, then adding their view, they will click a post, respond, then go to the next and do it again, EVEN if they are stating the same thing over and over again.
-often lurking for awhile to get the "feel" of the board, so they can know just which "buttons" to push. They will single out one or two people whom they think they can intimidate, then harass them to the point of leaving the board. That done, they will "calm down" for awhile, then attack someone else.
-rarely answering a direct question – they cannot, if asked to justify their response – so they develop a fine line in missing the point.
Don't let trolls rile you up!! Just a part of internet life. The sharing here is wonderful, and I feel for you guys, and feel I have my eyes opened for when and if I decide to procreate.
I know how alot of you feel because I have been there. I am not sure what I thought motherhood would be like but what I am experiening was an eye opener. I have a 3 and 2 year old. My son was 6 mths when I found out I was pregnant again. URGH!! surprises, surprise. The second pregnancy was fine but it was the responsibility of caring for a baby and then being pregnant that was tiresome, plus working full time. I was not prepared for how it changes you, your marriage and priorities. With very little family around, it made it that much harder. No one tells you the real deal, you have to live it. Marriages are tested and life is no longer how you remember things. I call it the "new normal. All I can say is being a mom is hard becuase of the duty and responsibilities. I believe we all love our kids without questions but the responsibilities of caring for them is daunting and challenging. Society has this norm that you give up your life for your children and that is not true. We have to put ourselves on the list and demand our time. Don't get on the guilt cycle because it is hard to get off. If you have a spouse, leave the kids some times. Dad will be fine with them for a while, things will not fall apart while you are gone. Single parents, get a support network and find others to swap babysitting with. Ladies, it is ok to want time away, you are not a bad person for it. You may not be able to do all you used to but you can add time for fulfilling things. We have to make us the priority again. Hang in there ladies, pray, go to counseling and get the help you need becuase our kids need healthy parents, not perfect ones.
To lovebeingamom,
You're such a narrow minded person. We all love our kids, but obviously we're burned out. I went years praising motherhood and how blessed I was. And I know I AM fortunate. But this past year has been extremely difficult and I just can't stand it. 4 kids in 5 years is a LOT. I wouldn't change having kids, but I NEED some freedom, something intellectual to do with myself other than cook, clean, homework and change diapers. It's impossible not to love ones children. But being burned out and especially when you're sacrificing a career and freedom creates a sense of resentment towards the kids.
To Childfreebychoice,
Anyone that says they're lucky not to have kids, is in denial or can't have kids. There's nothing more wonderful than having little ones. But, frankly with more than 2 you get overstressed. I was totally fine with 2, even 3 of my kids and loved being home. My 4th one (who's the sunlight of my life) pushed me over the edge. It's too much. But the fact is that this "insane" phase of my life will pass. It's midlife crisis. And life would be so empty without kids, especially when you've passed your prime and regret it. We're here as venting moms, but there are much more wonderful moments than there are bad ones when you have kids.
Anon How can I be in denial when I had my tubes tied. I paid for it. My mother told me how awful it was to have a child and all the things it stopped her doing.
I am way past my prime. I have a partner who thinks kids area waste of time/money and a lot of childfree friends(have you ever been on a childfree website?)
We have a lot of time for travel arts fine dining concerts film theatre skiing scuba diving etc.
I agree with april and lovebeingmum.
To make a choice then complain about it show a weak inadequate pathetic person. I feel for the kids.You knew what you were getting into. Make Bed lie
I love it how a childfree person always makes their way to these types of posts. If you are so sure of your choice–why stop by? To see what you missing? To validate your choice? THAT shows weakness.
Many of the women here LOVE their children, and are very glad we had them. It's just society places so much pressure and expectations of mothers. We need to "do it all". And it gets very stressful at times. Just as with anything. So we vent.
As for fine dining, travel, etc. etc–I did plenty of that before kids, and well, it got boring. Are you going to keep doing that your whole life? That's it? Yippee.
Kids DO grow older. I will have the best of both worlds then–beautiful kids and grandkids, and have my time to travel and "fine dine" again. (as if that's important anyways–only someone who has never experienced having a child would compare travel to be anywhere as fulfilling, exciting etc as raising a human being)
BTW, so sad your mother told you that having kids ruined her life. No wonder you have such a negative outlook on it. It must be horrible to have your own mother tell you that you stood in the way of her chance to fine dine and travel all her life.
michele: love this reply to childfreebychoice. seriously, if he/she is so confident in his/her choice what the hell are they doing hanging out here and not scuba diving? weak, lame, sad.
scary stuff I am 19 and haven't even had a boyfriend yet! I respect mums since I have had a bit of experience babysitting-don't laugh I used to babysit a 2 year old from 5pm sats till 12am sundays all on my own, I was told it would be hard but didn't think I might experience such extreme feelings of anger/frustration etc. at first. My friend was actually meant to have the babysitting job but her mum for some reason pulled her out- she had bipolar syndrome I later found out maybe that helps explain it, but she was allowed to come over some nights to help me…my view of looking after that kid changed completely. I even missed leaving him and looked forward to seeing him again after school and work. You might think me bad but I thought I was starting to hate him, and ofcourse I was feeling bad about it but when she came I saw a different side I was missing, she just had fun with him. I grew to love spending time with him even though I found it hard.
I used to look at my friends mum who was a neighbour 2 doors down (my mum and her are best friends) and think she could be really horrible to her kids when she got back from her part time job. It was like as soon as she came home she was onto them like some evil phsyco lady (I love this lady though -she is my 2nd mum while my mum was diagnosed with endometriosis and chronic fatigue all during my teenage years). She would come home and boss the kids about and get angry at them for NO good reason- I was 17 and could see she was stressed but I didn't like the way she handled it- I knew she hated coming home to brats. It was interesting for me to watch this because the kids were a bit younger than me, 10, 12 and 16 and I could see that they sometimes had to come home to have 20 minutes to themselves you know eat afternoon tea and then this poor single mum would come home to 3 kids she found difficult to look after but she would be screaming at them -over nothing-and the poor kids -you know it goes both ways -they had to put up with this and it so reminded me of when I was a few years younger, my mum was the same- incredibly frustrating. (though she didn't scream she didn't have the energy). But I understand that that is how my 2nd mum felt about the kids too. She has not only raised 3 kids- though one left to live with some of her mums friends when she was 16 cause they both couldn't handle it. But during her kids lives she has had cancer and survived, though I didn't witness this since they were living somewhere else and their dad died of cancer after she survived, though they were divorced. I love these kids and thier mum sooo much, they are very important to me, I don't think they realise how much I love them, I needed them when my mum was sick and going in and out of the hospital for operations and she was on like 12 pills a day and drugs and I was so depressed to not be able to get out of the house, I was 13 when it started and my dad is a full time worker, my mum has only worked 5 years in her life but has been sick actually since she was 20 the doctors jst didn't know what was wrong with mum, so she just got worse, she even collapsed on the job when I was about 9 and got fired. She had had her first child at 20 and she jst got used to the pain whilst having to bring up me and my bros, our birthdays are all in the same week in the middle of the year lol. It was hard having a sick mum she is just getting out of it now- I hope- and I am moving out in less than a month, I need my space and so do my parents. My mum used to sleep all day even when I got home she was sleeping, I was so glad to have my neighbours, I sometimes babysat them for their mum and I went there nearly everyday after school to meet them because I found it so depressing to stay at home, I had got to the point where I resented my mum for looking at me (and feeling guilty for it) with those weak eyes when I went into her room, I was not meant to be her mum though sometimes I felt I was. I suppose you guys still have your health to be happy about but it can always be worse I think. Out of this I have learnt that communication is so important, it really helps to talk to as many people you trust as possible- even though some dont understand and you dont want to depress people with your sucky life. I got through my hard times with making lots of friends- I never told them what was going on in my life until later, only my closest 2 friends. I soon found out my best friends dad had died of cancer a year before I met her, no wonder I had thought she had issues.
Have you guys tried renting DVDs from the library its only about $1 where I live. Have you got siblings to talk to on the phone, or that live close, you could make tea for them at their place and take your kids and vice versa. Or my aunt she is single but lives in a reeeally nice rented home with her mum and her brother and his wife and 5 year old daughter. She says it is sometimes annoying having a 5 year old around but she gets to live just out of town yet just in the country and has a horse and loves where she's living, and the mum works part time then comes home to look after her kid – She also has 2 older kids who are in their 20s. My aunt says they have their moments with each other but the house is big enough and they get their space.
LOL I don't know now if I still plan to adopt, (I dreamed from 17 to adopt atleast one kid because there are so many kids out there who need a mum and I dont see much point in having my own if I can have one who actually desperately needs me) I saw that even in such hard times its great to have people on the side apart from your immediate family to help and to talk to. And I believe its important to eat with the WHOLE family at tea time that includes dad, that was the only time I had time to talk to him, I craved his attention too.
My respect goes to all the mums!!! Goodluck ooo and try facebook or msn or something, If your kid is bored let him/her sit on your knee or in the room and you can talk to them whilst typing to a friend its real fun.
OMG I am so happy to find I'm not the only one! As everyone has said I love my daughter but ugh I'm on the brink of slamming my head into the wall!
I spend my day either obsessing over organizing the house, being bored, cooking, baking, thinking I"m a bad mother, overwhelmed with a house that looks like a warzone, on strike for a day,etc. My BF & I were head over heels for one year before I got prego then my sex drive stopped but we did good through the preg then after I had the baby I dont want to cuddle be touched, have sex nothing! We dont even sleep in the same damn room anymore! I try to make friends but it seems like I cant no matter how hard I try!
I just want to be happy again!!!!!! Unfortuantly I do not see this happening in the near future oh yeah & I'd love to sleep 24 months of this shit & still not sleeping through the night. As I type this my daughter is laid out on my bedroom floor hardwood floor might I add sleeping geesh!
Thanks for making me feel a little more "normal"
I stumbled upon this website by accident..i googled "hate being a stay at home mom" but truthfully–i hate being a mom b/c i do it all by myself everyday all day. my partner works and i understand he has to work to support us–but it aint like we're livin the high life. i hate being a stay at home mom, which makes me hate being a mom b/c i NEVER GET A BREAK. i died when i had this kid–i have no identity for myself anymore. the only thing i have going for me is that i am close to getting my bachelor's. but i barely have time to go to school..and i go online!! i get 2 times per day to go to school–when my daughter naps and goes to bed. sometimes only once a day, b/c she doesn't take a nap all the time. my mom is no help either. i hate my life. i am miserable and i want to be done with it..i want to get in my car and leave for a couple of weeks. i have never been more unhappy until i became a mom.
Damn, me too, I hate my damn kids. They are pissing me off as we speak, I wish men had to go through this crap so they could see how much it sucks.
hahahahah………us poor mothers I tell you…it is FULL ON and trying to have patience is so hard …Its like get cranky,be a mean mum from time to time the rest of the time is spent making it up to them cause you feel so damn guilty..ahhhhhhhh ..Ive decided im selling all the F-n furniture and crap in the house cause IM SO SICK OF HOUSE WORK ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY…dont do that,pick those toys up,leave that alone,stop that…Im so sick of my own voice I feel like im just surviving a walking corpse,,,,My looks gone,my body gone,no money no freedom….hahahahah I could go on anad on BUT…..I believe we have to LIVE in the NOW and forget all that stuff and its sounds dorky but SMell the flowers for a bit really just enjoy little people cause it is up to us ….GIRLS…. to raise a better future and have ,beautiful,intelligent kind hearted caring children so they try and bring some sense onto this messed up planet..Do whatever you have to ,to be great mothers …work ,play,whatever it takes to raise GREAT people xox
Yeah I don't like it either, but I'm a single mother. It was great when we were together as a family. But when my ex kicked me out so that his teenage girlfriend (10 years younger than he is) could move in, that's when the resentment started. I'm attached to my baby girl, and I love her dearly. But when I planned to have her, I planned to start the rest of my life (career- license- etc) after she started school. My ex and I were in total agreement as we firmly believed in a parent staying home to look after their children instead of shipping them off to a germ ridden child corral.
But yeah didn't work out, I'm now an uneducated single mother living off welfare who has to use public transit. My ex never makes any effort to help me out and continuously begs me for money. He makes up excuses as to why he can't fulfill his visitation rights. I'm going to be a full time student this fall and I don't know how I'm going to pull it off seeing as how my college is across the city and my daughter will be going to school only 3 hours a day. Day care? I need it subsidized, I can't afford to get into day care at the drop of a hat- and she's still on the waiting list I put her on over a year ago.
I now feel like she's the relic of a soured relationship, and she's getting in the way of my recovery. I could give her to my ex if I wanted to. But once again, I'm very attached to her. I'm so lonely that some days she's the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. So you can see there's some inner conflict here.
I love my 3 year old daughter but I hate what motherhood took away from me. My friendships, my independence, my care for my looks, my freedom, my stable mood, my relationship with my husband, ohh how I miss that! I am not saying this is all my daughter's fault. No. What I'm saying is that I hate what motherhood made me become. I'm a bitter person now, I have no friends at all, I fight with my mother every five minutes about her spoiling my daughter, I don't recognize myself. I MISS ME!
I'm terrified to think that my daughter will hate me for who I am now. That would be the irony of my life.
This is not ppd, this is a once free independent woman that lost her spark for taking good care of her daughter. I did not know when I got pregnant that motherhood would bring me more anxiety for the responsability than happiness.
Sorry baby to think this way and being doomed with this feelings. The tears on my face right now show me how much I love you but how desperate I am for feeling and being this way.
postpartum depression. go visit the doctor.
The idea of being a mother makes me shudder. I know I'll be a good mother; want the best for my child; do what's right; etc, but I'm just no emotionally equiped to do this right now. My heart goes out to you. Maternal love takes time. Maybe post-natal depression? Maybe tell your doctor? A lot of women feel this way: your doctor won't judge you. But you will get the help you need.
I was on my knees today, picking food up from the ground that my one year old had dropped from his lunch, and I realized that this is what my life has been reduced to. I am no longer me. I am the butler, the maid, the cook, the one who changes diapers, the one who keeps the house stocked with supplies, the one who hates her life. My husband is already tired of me crying over it. He done hearing the same whining over and over, and while he would never say it, I know he's thinking, 'get over it'. While I was realizing what having kids has brought me too I started bawling and begging God to kill me. Kill me before my kids realize how much their mom hates being a mom, before my husband realizes he can find a better person, before I do it myself. I love my kids, but I HATE ME! I HATE looking at myself in the mirror, I hate getting dressed, I hate putting on makeup, I hate ME!!!! Why does being a mom put you in this position, and why when you try and express you need help from people, they don't LISTEN!!!!! My kids deserve someone better than me. How do you make it all turn around?
I sympathize with you and your feelings. I am a divorced mother of five kids, who feels very similar to you almost everyday. The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel and completely, walking away from my responsibilities…. is God. My faith in God and the fact that I refuse to be considered as a failure are my source of motivation that keep me going. My kids are ages 15 yrs, 12 yrs, 11, yrs, 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. Due to the fact that they look up to me and need me….I try to only focus on the positive things about being a mom. I am always happy when I go to conferences at their school and hear about how well manner they are and how they are doing good in school. When my kids get special awards at school and make me extremely proud….I realize that all my life sacrifices are actually paying off.
My oldest will graduate from high school in two years….although I am excited about finally getting one child grown…I am going to miss him being my baby. My oldest son has been a true blessing so far, he helps me out a lot around the house and with his siblings…and he is a good student that doesn't get into any trouble.
I still feel stressed despite all the nice perks to being a mom, because I no longer have a real life of my own…but with anything in life you have to look on the bright side of things in order to really gain positive energy.
Keep your head up and know that in time your little one will grow up and things will become easier for you. A word of advice don't have any more than two kids. I over did it in the multiple the earth part …(lol) and that is part of the reason why I very so overwhelmed, trying to be a super mom to five children as a single parent.
Best Wishes!
I sympathize with you and your feelings. I am a divorced mother of five kids, who feels very similar to you almost everyday. The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel and completely, walking away from my responsibilities…. is God. My faith in God and the fact that I refuse to be considered as a failure are my source of motivation that keep me going. My kids are ages 15 yrs, 12 yrs, 11, yrs, 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. Due to the fact that they look up to me and need me….I try to only focus on the positive things about being a mom. I am always happy when I go to conferences at their school and hear about how well manner they are and how they are doing good in school. When my kids get special awards at school and make me extremely proud….I realize that all my life sacrifices are actually paying off.
My oldest will graduate from high school in two years….although I am excited about finally getting one child grown…I am going to miss him being my baby. My oldest son has been a true blessing so far, he helps me out a lot around the house and with his siblings…and he is a good student that doesn't get into any trouble.
I still feel stressed despite all the nice perks to being a mom, because I no longer have a real life of my own…but with anything in life you have to look on the bright side of things in order to really gain positive energy.
Keep your head up and know that in time your little one will grow up and things will become easier for you. A word of advice don't have any more than two kids. I over did it in the multiple the earth part …(lol) and that is part of the reason why I feel so overwhelmed, trying to be a super mom to five children as a single parent.
Best Wishes!
A word of advice don't have any more than two kids.
Totally agree. Unless you have the financial means for help or family can assist.
I am a stay at home mother of three children. I am very proactive to their academics and overall health. My greatest wish is that they are healthy, spiritual and always do some charity for the world.
But I am not happy. I hate making all the decisions all the time and being in constant crisis management. My husband travels a lot and I am alone to handle all. He is a great father but I do not know if it is enough for me. I have been in diapers for 12 years. I quit a big career to raise a family and to be support for my husband's career. I loved being a mom with my first two. When my second child was off to full time school, I was ready to be out in the world but I got pregnant. We planned the other two kids to the day. I feel some higher power wanted me to have a third. My boy is very charming but this is so hard.
I try to be involved and look at the positives but it is only a distraction. I do not want to be with the children unless I am feeding, running to them to sports or music classes or helping them with homework. I truly believed if I worked hard, I would be happy. But I am irritated a lot inside and rather pursue my interests without the family.
I feel the same way as you. I feel so stuck and trapped. Being a mom has made me really feel resentful towards my kids, my husband, and like I missed all the opportunities I was supposed to have in life. I am trying to be grateful but I feel like its just a fake way of pretending that I like being a stay at home mom when I really dont.
One good book that has kind of helped me is the MomsTown Guide to Staying at Home – a Makeover for Stay at Home Moms
But still, I know how you all feel
I completely understand, there are some days where alls I want to do is just lay in bed and cry. Every night I go to bed and realize that the next day is going to be just like the horrible one I had. I was excited about being mom at first but as the months went on it just seemed to get harder. We have a 6 month old and im pregnant with our second child already and im exausted, and my husband has dumped everything on me to do and I mean EVERYTHING! He thinks that just because I stay at home with our son that im on some sort of vacation. No matter how many times I try to tell him its no where near what he thinks he just brushes me off. There are times when I have to leave the room and just tell myself to breathe because my son isnt exactly an easy baby. I like you have cried and cried to my husband and he just looks at me like please stop your driving me crazy. I just want him to open his eyes and see how exausted and overwhelmed I am.
Whatever you do…don't have anymore kids. I have five and had a less than considerate husband. The more kids that he pumps you up with the more your misery will increase….then he will start looking for a woman that is younger and more attractive to him.
If he doesn't care and is not helpful now…he never will be. Two kids is more than enough….if you add anymore you are going to regret it. If possible try to go to counseling so you can have a way to vent and help to deal with your current level of stress, that has always worked for me, and this is also confidential, so you don't have to worry about any and everyone know all of your inner most feelings.
Best wishes ….and remember two kids is more than enough! I thank God for tubligation, it helped me gain a sense of control when I would lose control in the heat of the moment. Husbands love good sex….but hate dealing with pregnant complaining wives and dirty diapers!
I read your post and it could have been something I had written. I'm miserable. Life used to be fun. Drinks after work with my husband….a last minute vacation… a peaceful Saturday… Life used to be easy. All of that now is GONE. I now cry regularly and this upsets my husband. He tries his best to cheer me up and helps out a lot but something inadvertly happens and I am harshly reminded that I am a mommy. My son is a very lovable boy and is just your typical kid but I cant help feel regret in having him. I miss my former life desperately. How did women in generations past do this???
Molly, here's a story that helps me when the despair sets in:
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to
Be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see
Me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of
hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock
to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is The Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes
that studied history and the mind that graduated summa *** laude -but now,
They had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's
going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip,
And she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,
looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when
Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I Brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't
Exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building
when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could
pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no
record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they
would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the Cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you
spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by
The roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall intoplace. It was almost
as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the
Sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've
Baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a
great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become. At times,
my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is Erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.
It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of
the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work
on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went
so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the
Morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3
hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a
shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home.
And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna
love it there.'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're
doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel,
not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the
world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
I love it!!!! Your words are a true inspiration to me. I have always felt that my hard work, time and effort went unnoticed, as a mother. Your response to this website, has helped me put everthing into proper perspective.
May God Bless You!!!!
I have tears streaming down my face as I am reading your words. I have a different persepective now I have been in such mourning for my old life and my "invisible" new life.
thanks. i needed that.
Thank you
Thank you Charlotte, and Thank you Janice. You may never realise just how much you helped me with those words.
Thanks so much. I feel defeated at times being a stay at home mom and I make my husband feel guilty for having to leave for work all the time. I know he is just working hard to provide for us. He really is a great husband and father. But sometimes my kids just drive me nuts and right now we are down to one vehicle and my husband has to take it to work so i can't even get to town if i have too. I just want to die sometimes or call child services and hand over my children for being such a bad mom. How come no one told me it would be this hard. I'm still young only 24 and currently have no life. But your story really moved me and I'm def. gonna try to work harder at being okay. So thank you for your story.
Thank you so much for that. I desperately googled "can't stand being a mom" for something, anything that would help me and came to this site and this story. I love my boy so much but it's so hard to feel like you are losing yourself. God is trying to tell me something through this story and I will try to never forget it!
Yes, thanks so much!
I really liked your story and writing style. May I use part of it to write a song? Seriously! I think some of this would make a great song. I write music. :)
I totally agree with you as I am going through the exact same thing. I wait until my 5 month old daughter is napping and then I melt into a heap on the floor and cry and cry. I hate being a mom although I love my daughter. I have always worked and had a career I loved and now staying home 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and I feel like I am waiting to get paroled. I feel as though I am invisible and I have been sucked into a vortex and lost myself. I don't feel good about myself and if my daughter didn't need me to get out of bed I'd probably stay there. My hubby has been supportive but I am afraid if I don't get myself out of this funk I'm in that he is going to get annoyed. I agree with you that no one really listens. It's because women lie, they lie to each other about how wonderful motherhood is because they think it's not pc to admit the truth. It is a thankless, life sucking, emotionlly draining experience. I wish I could pause my life sometimes and just go back to my old life for a few days and then come back to my life. It was refreshing to finally read that someone out there is feeling the same way. I hope things get better for both of us.
I relate more to you. The best decision my hubby and I made was not to have more after our second. I have been home for 5 yrs now and there are days I want to find the nearest cliff. Women started going back to work for a reason. I know I'm doing the right thing for my kid's but I can't help but wonder what is going to be left of me by the time I have a moment to myself again? I'm 33 but feel 43 most days. I long to bath eat sleep poop when I want to. My hubby is very caring and supportive and we fight to keep it us against the world. I'm also brutally honest and he knows that in the end if I'm misserable then he and I suffer. There's day's I want to run away with him and pretend it was just a dream…I can still get my period right?.. He keeps me sane b/c he knows how hard it is for me. He has worked nights the entire time we've been together. Try keeping kids somewhat quiet in the day.And I hate to burst peoples bubbles but it doesn't get easier, but it changes like anything else. Thank god b/c I could not survive another toddler! I look forward to 3 yrs from now when I can return to the land of the adults. also the internet has saved my sanity. Oh, good coping skill is music. Lots of music. Thank god my hubby is a deejay so I have an endless supply. When the kids go to bed I turn on my fave tunes and dance my ass off around my livingroom. ipods are a great tool too.
I am so glad I googled "i hate being a SAHM" and found this site. I really liked reading what you said about being LIED to my whole life about being a mother. I hate it, and I feel like I was snookered, bamboozled, basically just tricked. You are right, it is very un-pc to say it's a horrible way of life. I certainly thought so too before I had these twins! I hate it. Hate hate hate and wouldn't wish twins on my worst enemy. YES I am in love with my gorgeous healthy cute boys but I am so bitter that all the stories how hard motherhood is but were ALWAYS followed up with sweet smiles or the famous "but I wouldn't have it any other way". Bullshit. Can't finish this post, one of my 1-year-olds is crying have to go. Story of my life, can never finish ANYTHING or do it well anymore.
I so understand your pain…I have four kids…14,12,3 and 10 months..my older two are from my first marriage. I worked for many years and now i feel lonely, frustrated and like my life consists of cleaning, laundry, cooking, homework, and of course watching my children. somedays I just want to escape and wonder when will it be about me and not about everyone else. my husband and I always disagree and when I try to tell him how I am feeling then it becomes a competition. He will say "my job isn't easy" he would rather stay at home. In someways I should be thankful and realize that not everyone can stay home but on the other hand its a thank less job…
As much as it pains me to say it, I suspect your feelings are alot more common to new moms than people let on. Motherhood is hard; being a stay at home mom is harder. I know from experience with not one, but two toddlers. I've probably thought everything you've thought, complete with secretly un-sympathetic husband. The key here is thought, not acted upon, those feelings. As I'm sure you've figured out, the show doesn't run without you, so you've got to be the strong foundation on which your family rests. Take the moments, however brief, to see the beauty in your child's innocence and know that no matter how badly you think you messed up that day, you are still a heroine in their eyes.
I know what you are saying. And when you ask for help, nobody does it. They give you advice and that's it. I have 2 kids, 5 and 3. I did not originally plan to stay home full time. I was going to go back to work a year after my first was born. My mom ended up in a depressive state and needless to say I stayed home.I do like being at home and knowing my kids are looked after. I never wanted them to be a part of the daycare system. But I hate that I have had to give up everything just to be a mom. I love myself and want time to myself and never get it. Family is not much help and Husbands aren't either. I wouldn't trade them but wonder sometimes if I'm doing harm to myself by forcing myself to do this 24/7. I feel like i'm told what to do and when to do it all the time. I feel others judge you when you want more or change. I want others to know that it's okay to feel how you do. There's a reason women went to work people. I'm bored and want to get back to having things that are just mine. I could use a little personal space from time to time and won't get it for another 3 years when my little one is in school fulltime. It is the hardest job on the planet to which my husband says he'd never stay home fulltime with them. Has nothing to do with love. It has to do with how much mental strain and constant stimulation one can stand and I can't stand much more myself!
i know how you feel.. im alone. suck in the house and trying to get ahead… if i get any downtime its to do my homework.. i hate it.. i hate the constant crying.. i hate my body, my hair, my boobs, my stretch marks.. most of all i hate me. i hate that i am the way i am.. i want to change and be happy i really do.. but im just out of it now. My boyfriend deserves better then me.. he is so sweet and loving while im a horriblw person that always feels bad for herself.. i should be happy. I have a perfect baby.. yes she is difficult. but she is healthy and perfect but why does she have to have me as a mother. im a horrible witch. I think she deserves better then me.. so does my boyfriend.. i want to run away far but i cant… i just hope my 6m baby loves me… i feel like she hates me.. i want her to love me. i want her to know i love her.. im just lost and unhappy with myself and not her. she is perfect.. i love her.. but its me i cant deal with..
true confessions,
I don't understand any of you, I love being a mom, it saddens my heart that anyone could not love their kids enough to be unselfish when giving them that love. At least I know my kids will have a great life and never will have to doubt my love for them. By the way I'm a single mom, I work full time, and I go to school full time. You mom's who actually get to spend all the time in the world with your kids need to stop being selfish bitches!! I wish I could!
Oh SHUT UP! It's not about NOT loving your kids. It's about wanting some free time and the space to explore your personal passions. Since when did motherhood become some automatic state of selling out your self, dreams and identity? Get over yourself and your bitterness and get out of this conversation–Bitch ;)
Since, of your own volition, you have admitted that you don't understand any of us, it might have been wiser not to have commented at all. Don't criticise what you don't understand. I am so pleased that you love being a mother, I really am. But not everyone is like you, and that doesn't make us selfish bitches. I have been a working mother, and a stay-at-home mother and in my opinion staying at home to raise your children is harder. Much harder. It's websites like this that are keeping us from falling over the edge. So like I said – don't criticise what you don't understand. And please leave the name-calling for the playground.
I don't think you understand… we love our children its just hard.. and I'm sorry you are so quick to judge and can not understand our feelings. This is a site where we can vent about our feeling to others and feel somewhat normal… also, sometime or another everyone feels like they want to give up parenting.. its hard… so don't act like you are better then us.. because you are not. everyone is struggling in someway or another.
Selfish Bitches? These are just posts of mothers who are having a really hard time dealing with motherhood. You may love being a mother but there are some mothers who are having a difficult time with all the life changes that come with it. You don't know how motherhood will be for you until you become a mother. I had no idea how hard it would be until I had my own. I have four kids under 6 years old! And it is extremely difficult for me. I can't handle being alone with with all the pressure they put on me everyday. I also deal with anxiety and chronic depression that makes being a mother more difficult. I am just saying to not judge these mothers. Everyone deals with things differently and also may have other challenges that might make being a mother a lot harder. I am sure none of these mothers want to feel this way, but they just do,
Exactly…YOU WORK FULL-TIME. YOU ARE NOT WITH YOUR KIDS ALL DAY LONG. HELLLOOOO????? DID YOU NOT READ THE OTHER POSTS???? LEARN HOW TO READ. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?? YOU'RE THE TYPICAL "I'M SO GREAT B/C I WORK FULL-TIME AND I'M A MOM" ASSWIPE THAT THE REST OF US DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT. SO GET OVER YOURSELF LADY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT STRESS IS.
You are never with your children,you work full time and go to school full time …You never see them, no wonder you love being a mom !!!
My question is how did you find this website if you love being a mom? I googled "I hate being a stay at home mom" and saw this site.
Also, I know you mean well. But it is exactly statements like yours that make moms who feel the way we do feel worse about ourselves. Maybe we can be selfish at times. Maybe being a single mom, working and going to school is selfish. I don't think so. I think you are doing the best you can to better yourself and put yourself in a higher financial bracket for your children. We are doing what we thought best as well.
I have been thinking and learning a lot about compassion and mercy lately. I think everyone needs to learn how to give and how to accept compassion more. I know I do.
I encourage all to read a book called "True Faced". I would tell you the author but my 6 month old is sleeping next to me and if I move he will wake up and then that will wake up my 2 year old. And since my husband has been out of town this weekend at a men's retreat and my 2 year has been sick, I really want this quiet time.
Thank you
You're the reason mothers keep their feelings to themselves. It takes a lot of guts for these moms to admit that they're not happy. I've seen so many moms put on that fake smile while droning on about how much they love their kids and their lives. It's not about not loving your kids! It's about being honest and having someone understand and have compassion. The last thing these moms need is for someone to tell them to suck it up and realize how lucky they are. Blah, Blah, Blah. Moms need to say the raw truth. It does feel like a prison sentence, the exhaustion is overwhelming, sometimes you feel like running away. I know – when my kids were small I would express my feelings and other moms would look at me in horror. Pissed me off.
I love my kids. But I do not want to be with them all the time.
I tried to be a sahm but it made me want to jump off a cliff! Not sure the kids liked being with me either I was so exhausted and numb and I was yelling at them often. And I had it relatively easy: healthy kids (although they did not sleep), not too tight a budget, some housekeeping help.
I m now happy to go to work and after work I look forward to see my kids. Kids are happy In daycare/school and have a blast during the week end. And one evening a week I go to school and work out. It's my perfect combination.
oh god! you work full time and go to school full time – enough said. did you not hear these women saying that the most important thing they want is some adult interaction and some personal goals? YOU HAVE THAT!
and…..since you are being such a bi**c, I can be too. How much do you love your kids and how many hours of "motherhood" can you fit between the job and the school? don't get me wrong I would not be a SAHM if you put a gun to my head. I would definitely go back to work, but hey…..no approach is perfect. Please remember that….
I've Been a stay at home mom for 4 years now. I have two boys and there are some days when I wish I worked full time somewhere. But you know what I've realized? Everyone has a bad day, wherever you work! And if you truly love your children, wouldn't you rather have a bad day every now and then at home, making a difference for your kid than at work because in all reality working mothers have 2 jobs. once youre done at work, you have to come home and work. You just need a hobby. Scrapbooking, tennis, painting classes, wine club…something that let's you express you, not "mommy" you. Hang in there. You're not just raising a child, you're raising a functioning, member of society. Good luck and God bless.
Ps- also remember that whatever you do, do what YOU think is right because that's all that matters!
that is very uplifting.. thankyou… everything you said is true. We all do need our own hobbies…
Pff, srry to say but a bit too much God in these replies. I am not here to tear down your faiths, but it is not like you can have God babysit for an hour while you take a nap. What works for me is planning, and a helpfull man (altho it took me a long time to convince him ^^). If he doesn't believe your day is hard –> TAPE IT! And otherwise there are enuf studies and articles to be found on the internet where they show that caring for a family is about as tough as a 80 hour working week. Does your man have 2 fulltime jobs? If not, he can also pick up some of the slack, and if some of your kids are older, they can and shuld help in the household, if only with small tasks. They might cry, beg and whine at first, but if it gives em enuf profit in the end they will be sure to comply (you can do this by making all non essential treats bound to tasks in the house, or implement a weekly allowance wich they can loose if they don;t do their tasks).
Ha! THANK YOU! A "real" person! Not sure about this God-pass out of sanity..imo, many of the "God-martyrs" are WACKED!
I have a personal relationship with God, but i am well aware he is not my kid's babysitter. I also have fantastic husband who comes home from a 10-12 hr. day and immediately takes over. I am a planner as well and I am widely known for it in my family and my friends.My oldest is 3 and I already have her starting her own chores. Of course its nothing more than picking up her toys, putting away her dirty clothes and helping set the table. So I have all these things then why do i still feel so helpless at times being a mom. So what more can i do Suzy q.
My daughter screams everytime my husband leaves the house and screams for hours on end. I only get two days a week with her because I work 4 part-time jobs to make ends meet, she screams those two days. One day I accidentally sat on the phone and it redialed – his cell. He listened to her scream and me beg and cry with her for 30 mins. I think that is when my husband realized how bad it was for me. I know he works hard, too. The hardest working husband I know, but he has been so supportive since he heard that call. Sometimes I think that God dialed that number for me. He now takes care of all the laundry and packing her daily diaper bag.
The same thing happends with my daughter.. and no1 beleives me. Everyone says, "oh you have such a calm baby" or "wow she is so good" then when they walk away or my boyfriend leaves and im alone with her she screems. I'm not sure why. I do everything to make her happy. Can she feel my stress? Does she know im unhappy? I wonder… i breastfed her for about 5 months.. it took alot of determination.. i do what is best for my baby.. but why does it feel like i dont do enough.. why does she leave why her father leaves.. and doesnt notice when i leave?
I too HATE being a mother. I love my children to pieces but I despise being a mother. I too wish to have a life and an identity of my own! I had one child when I met my husband. Motherhood was hard but enjoyable for the most part. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. On top of it all we gained full custody of his two children from a previous marriage because their mother abused them. I am mother to four children now all ages 5 and under! I cant afford childcare to even go back to work and escape if I want to. I have no choice but to stay at home and further my education so that one day I can afford the childcare to get out of this house. I crave adult relationships. I have told my husband. I HATE being a mother. I HATE my life right now. I love my children and I have the responsibility of caring for them. I made my bed so I have to lie in it. The day my last turns 18 will be a joyous one. My husband thinks I am horrible because I dont recognize the age of a child on their birthday but how many more years I have left until they can leave. Some of us arent made out to be mothers. We love children..especially our..but we dont find pure joy in it I guess. I will defiantly have in depth conversation with my daughters about my feelings as a mother before they have children of their own so they know just how much of their lives will be lost due to becoming a mother. making that sacrifice is a huge decision.
I too will be having that conversation with both my son and my daughter. Someone needs to inform them that its not all cinderella stories or "happily ever after". It's hard enough trying to navigate this life for yourself, then add the responsibility of someone else and it can be almost too much to handle at times. I think losing my identity as a person is the hardest thing to cope with. Instead of being a person, most days I just feel like a bottle, a bib, and a jungle gym.
Nobody is made to be a parent 24/7 b/c nobody is perfect
I think it is kind of funny.. that we say we all hate being mothers.. when i think about it…. it's not being a mother we hate.. its that we dont get as much freetime and respect we deserve. but i guess.. that is what happends when some of us choose to become mothers.. we start to loose ourselves because we are too occupied caring for everyone around us.. but ourselves.
I thank this site for saving me from having any children. I can't believe how much we're lied to about how it's "ohh so joyous" being a mother, and I just found out that if I don't want children my boyfriend is going to leave me eventually. Ohh well, at least I can still be ME and live the rest of my life happy.
Finally, women who don't fake the funk. I too LOVE my 3 kids but am sooo overwhelmed as a stay home Mom. I absolutely hate this! My youngest (my first son) screams and cries ALL day and I just cant take it anymore. Who takes care of Moms when we are sick? Who holds our hair back when we are throwing up? I feel like such a failure as a Mother and a wife . . . I've been a mother since I was 17 years old. I've never been "just me" and I'm so resentful some times and I feel so bad because I truly love my babies. Ugh, I'm so lost . . .
You're not lost hunny, you are just being honest and have every right to be. It's sometimes the worst job ever. Hours are always. No time off no vacations. And the pay is the shits!
Oh thank goodness! I am not alone.
I was just sitting here thinking, "I hate being his mom!" I know he is this way because of me and it makes me feel so bad. I am a failure of a mother. I just want to leave. I have 2 kids and one on the way. My oldest is just awful! Maybe it's normal for a kid his age or maybe not but OMG! He's still in diapers, we have been trying to potty train him since he turned 1, he'll be 4 in July. We've tried EVERYTHING and have gotten no where. I also have an 18 month old who has his days but is such a wonderful little guy. And now I'm pregnant with our third. I am so stressed, I'm depressed and just hate who I've become.
I always wanted to be wife and mother and now that I got it, I feel like I made the wrong choice. If I would have had a preview of this life I don't think I would have taken that first step…
I ws surfing when I found this site and it was great reading the comments. I realized that I am not alone. THANKS I just turned 40. If I had known my life would be like this at 40 I would have ended it a long time ago. We have with three kids age 3 and under. I left my high power job due to some intenal problems. i thought it be a good time to seized the opportunity to temporarily to spend time with the kiddos. It has been 6 months. I feel its long enough. My spouse's suppot is showing up twice a week after 11p and sometime arnd 8p the remainder of the days of the week. His help is conplaining abt me not doing anything (we have 9 month old twis who are stll breastfeeding y toddler) Oh all the cleanning,cooking laundry inc, folding etc are done daily. I am suppose to have sometime for myself but all i want to do is sleep when I get that 1-3 hrs /wk. There is no designated family day. The only family activities consist of a religious or sports activities. Neither of these activities interest me. I find myself beginning to understand why some mothers would just leave everything. They needed their own voice.
thanks for letting me vent….gotta go back to the dungeon
I too have found myself saying "how could any mother just abandon their family"…. I understand now.
Somedays I just fantasize about giving it all up and leaving, but then my daughter smiles or laughs at me and I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment. ;)
I love all of you for being so honest.
I love all of you for collectively "hating" the thing that I "hate."
It kind of brings some humor to the whole thing, doesn't it?? Hearing all these voices echo the same tune??
Thank you all for helping me to feel normal and not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is how women generations before us did it — they had women close to them that echoed their same feelings and helped them feel a sense that someone understood. Husbands will NEVER get it as far as I'm concerned — its other women that will be your lifesaver.
its normal for a boy to not be pottytrained yet. they are slow. the more pressure you put on him, the slower the go. pick your battles.. you will NOT win this one. seriously.
One thing I've learned: if any of us could know what it was going to like beforehand, NOBODY would have them or we'd all have just one!
I was doing some online "research", wondering if there were others who felt as I do. I too feel invisible. Most days I just cry. I try to tell my husband how I feel, but we just end up fighting about it. I feel like a horrible mother somedays, because I go through the motions, I do what has to be done and I find it hard to enjoy most of it. Sure I love my kids…but I regret having them somedays. I wish, instead of everyone telling me what a blessing it is, that someone would have had the balls to tell me the truth. I don't feel like I'm me anymore and my identity has been ripped away only to be thrown away right along with all the dirty diapers.
i am so glad I found this site with all of you other straight-shooters. i'm so miserable. i can't believe how easily i use the word 'hate' with regard to my life now. And yep, i wish someone had had the balls to tell me the truth about being a mom. it would have made a tremendous amount of difference, I would have listened. now I find myself staring quizzically at my friends and relatives who have been mothers for a while, trying to figure out if they are so wacked that they actually enjoy this motherhood thing and that's why they continue to encourage it, or if they are just brainwashed like the rest of the world. i mean i seriously stare at people that I've known my whole life, looking at their faces, trying to see if they will crack and tell me that they regret having 4,5, even six kids. I know I'm not crazy now. And I'm not going to perpetuate this ridiculousness. I will speak to my twin sons when i'm older about how parenthood ends your life as you know it and I totally support them if they don't want to have kids or if they only want to have one child. there is a lady across the street who introduced herself to me as having 'only' one child who's grown, but she has "lots of friends and interests to keep her busy". My jaw dropped and I wanted to say, are you f-ing kidding me? WHY are you basically apologizing for having one kid? I am totally envious of your life, with all of that freedom and your child grown and gone. can you imagine???????
Trapped…I loved your post. I too look at other moms and think WTF is wrong with you???? I look at my sis-in-law who desperately wants a third child and I think "Are you kidding me???" I guess some people are just meant to be SAHM's, and others and meant to be Mom's, just not the ones who stay home! I have 2 kids (3 and 1) and on a DAILY basis I cry, cry, cry. Thankfully I work part-time in the afternoon and evenings, and although I am exahusted at those hours, it makes me feel good to actually use my brain and talents and interact with adults. And it also makes me feel good to earn my own $$. I have a husband who works very hard to provide for his family, and thankfully, he stays with the kids when I go to work. He is FULLY aware of how hard this is. We all need to stick together and vent vent vent!!! A little bitching and moaning is always good for the soul!! Excuse me…have to go now…3 yr old is beating up the 1 yr old… ;)
I am so happy to have found this website. I am very miserable being a mom, the thoughts consume me everyday. I am 27 with a 4 year old, career driven, degree in business from an elite. university oh and I'm also a divorced single mom. I was married at 23 and divorced almost 3 yrs later. I hate being a mom, like most of you I do love my daughter but I don't think I'm cut out for this whole mommy thing. Her dad is still very much involved in her life as we do have joint custody. I get to have a whole week off and I realize I am lucky to have that time off I'm at my happiest when she's with her dad but when she comes home my mood is back down. I do the things I do to take care of her but not bc I "love it" or bc she brings "so much joy and happiness" it bc I just have to. Each week she spends with me is just a countdown to that friday when she goes with her dad and I'm praying I make it that long. I want my old life back, I'm tired of anytime I want to do something it has to based all around her and if its the weekend I have her. I just want to take off and not have to worry about it. The thing is she's not a bad kid! She's very well behaved and obedient, smart, funny, very talkative (too much really) so its not like its personal against her I just feel so held down and left behind. I'm so jealous of fun young girls my age who have no kids and they can just live such a carefree life. I have to think about daycare expenses before I spend a dime on anything. Her father is really great with her and has offered for her to live with him and I blow it off bc I'm worried what other people will think of me but I know it will be the best thing for her. Her homelife there is much friendlier bc her father is engaged to a girl who has a son same age as her and he's all she talks about when she comes home. My home isn't really kid friendly and I know she would rather be there with her father. I don't do the playdates, trips to the zoo or chuckie cheese's, playdoh etc. She gets to do all those things with her father and soon to be step-brother. I am very regretful of having a kid and if I could go back in time…I recently had an IUD placed to make sure I never get sperminated again as I am happily dating a wonderful man at the moment who never wants kids! (Thank God) I still want to be very much involved in her life, schooling decisions, doctors appts, graduations everything I just can't handle it on the level I am now. I don't want to abandon her, my emotions are so mixed about this. I realize that this isn't for me and I will never find happiness with this whole mom thing. should I let my daughter live with her father full-time?
Miserable Mom,
No, I do not think you need to let your daughter live with her father. It is great that her father has a new mate that makes it really fun and exciting for your daughter. I know all children love to play and interact with other kids, and be with people who make being a family enjoyable.
I truly believe that you need to do the same thing that your ex-husband has done…find a mate that loves children and will be a family man. Your current boyfriend does not have the family man mentality, so he is making you lose your desire to want to be a mom.
If you had a man that was a family man type and wanted to do family type things, it would make your life as a mother more enjoyable. Your boyfriend is telling you he never wants kids and he doesn't want to be bothered with yours either, whether you are listening or not.
I have five children and I am 35 and divorced. I understand your pain and I am not trying to judge you. I just want you to look at your situation from all angles, before you give up full custody of your daughter, I think if you give up full custody of your daughter, you will regret it in the long run.
Now with that being said, if you are neglectful or abusive to your daughter or if your boyfriend is, then by all means your daughter is surely better off with her father.
Overall, you are the only person that can truthfully answer the questions that I have possed, and ultimately it is your desicion on whether or not you will give up having full custody of your daughter.
All I am trying to convey to you, is not let your desire to have a man, be the main motivating factor that makes your give up custody of your daughter. Men and relationships will come and go, your daughter is your flesh and blood and will always be your daughter no matter what!!!!
perfectly said.
I know your daughter is young, but have you tried discussing it with her? Maybe try letting her take a 2 or 3 week trial run with her father. Then see how you both feel about that change and go from there.
Don't feel bad, parenting isn't for everyone and there is no way to know until its too late.
If it's better for your daughter to live with her Dad and stepmom/bro F/T (sounds like it would be), don't let anything stop you from doing it! You will likely enjoy her and be a better parent when you're a weekend parent. You're lucky that your ex is nice, and that he both wants her F/T and has an ideal situation too. Don't be ashamed to do what's bet for both of you.
Since you say your ex is understanding, why not let him know what's going on and see if you can try it out temporarily. This way, you haven't had to commit forever, but have made steps towards a solution. If you don't want to tell him, you can still see if he'll do it for say, 6 months. Then decide.
My sister loves her son, but tells me that if her ex didn't have him so much, she would lose her mind! So, its not uncommon to feel this way.
Remember, being good to yourself is important to your daughters mental health, as well as your own- a happy, fulfilled Mommy will have kids with the same attributes! Nothing good comes of miserable sacrifice, esp when unnecessary!!!
It's what you can bear. If being a mom makes you basically want to kill yourself or makes you miserable then choose life. If you are happy your kids will be happy. Why is it still okay for men to not be cut out for parenting but women are stuck with it wether it kills us or not?
im a single mom of two kids ages 9 and 7. i love them of course.. we all need to say that. i adore them. but… i feel like i am the most miserable person because of them. they drive me nuts with their fighting and arguing and complaining. its non stop. i work full time as well and when i get home i feel like i should be able to give them the best of me, since they are without me all day, but i just want to curl up on the couch and send them to bed. they wont sleep without me, and my son is a constant complainer.. this hurts, that hurts help help help. my neighbor actually came out to see if we were ok last nite cuz he was screaming "help mommy help mommy!!!" at the top of his lungs at the door. he was having trouble unlocking it to get in while i was in the car crying with the radio on because of the awful ride we took home. it just doesnt end. the mornings are even worse… the nagging, and the not listening. its nonstop. their dad lives thousands of miles away, and calls to cry that he misses them, but when he visits they drive him nuts and he has no patience.. then i defend them and the cycle continues. i want to pop a pill and just get through the next 12 years without verbally abusing them. i tell my mom once in awhile that i cant take it and she just tells me that i HAVE To take it. they are mine and i have to suck it up. i get it. she gets it. it just really sucks.
I am about to be a mom in 6 months and I am scared that it means stepping into the image of "Mom" and totally giving up my own identity. I used to look at women with three kids all straggling onto a stroller looking like she might explode any second and wonder, how does that happen? Now I know. One day you visit the hospital for bronchitis and you find out you have caught something much more serious. You have a baby on the way. I want to be a good mom, and I keep telling myself I will be since I get along very well with the kids I work with k-4 in an elementary school but it's getting to that point when they can go to school at 4 years old that has me terrified. I'm an only child. I can count the newborns I've held on one hand. The fact that I care this much about how I fare at being a parent should tell me I'll give it 100% and that's all I can do. I just am plagued with feelings of why do I not want to look like a typical mom? I want to continue to be ME, despite the fact that I will be MOM to someone else.
word of advice. It's easier having one child than 3 or 4. It you have grandparents, great….having family around to watch the him/her for the day or a weekend will allow you enough time to regroup, and have "me" time. If you love motherhood, then god bless, have 8 more. lol Good luck. BTW, not all days are bad….and yet some more than others. Don't be ashamed to not feel matronly 24/7. You are only human. Find outlets and time to breath, you're gonna need it.
have you considered adoption?
I can totally emphasize with all of you. I have been a single mom since I was 3 months pregnant and delivered my beauty when I was 20 years old. I worked my ass off to save up enough to be able to stay home with her for a few months. I still have enough to take more time off, but I want to go back to school (I currently take all online classes) and work SO BAD. I love her so much, being home with her, alone…24/7 is just getting to me. I get so annoyed. She's a great kid, but I am so BORED (who you knew you could be so bored and so busy all at once?)! I watch my friends go out and be 21 all the time, and it's not even that I feel I am missing out because I would honestly rather be home anyway; it's just so mundane. It's very hard doing this alone. I want to miss her and look forward to seeing her each day, not wake up and think, "Oh great…this again."
I absolutely despise being a mother somedays and having this never ending never tiring responsibility to clean, do laundry, cook, change diapers, clean and do some more laundry, etc, etc, etc… I get sinus infections only while I'm at home and can't even breathe being with 4 kids ALL DAY LONG. I honestly think it's because I'm allergic to motherhood, lol. I had told my husband (who originally wanted 9 kids) before we got married that I wasn't cut out for motherhood and being a mom and he admitted very recently that he just didn't take it seriously.
He just said out of the blue a few months ago… "Wow, ya know, you were really telling me the truth 5 years ago when you told me you didn't want kids, hugh?" At least you told me the truth!"
Well, we've now been married for 5 years and our relationship sucks as well. My husband is a wonderful friend, but that's just it…. we're FRIENDS!! I am SO depressed and sexually repressed. We never have sex because he hates it, we have never had any romance because he just doesn't effin get it. He has never romatically kissed me (he was a virgin before we got married and wanted to wait to quote " express all his deep passion with his wife" YEAH EFFIN RIGHT!!!) Whatta LIE!
I feel like I did this for him and that I have received nothing in return except "a great friend," which marriage is supposed to be so much more than that.
I love my kids and they are fantastic well-behaved children overall, but I loathe being a mother, I loathe being "stuck" at this house! I loathe the fact I also have to wait tables on the weekends because my husband can't and never could pay the pills with his measly 30K salaries. He's always too afraid of asking for a raise or getting a better paying job. He hates exercising and is sick all the time because he's such an unhealthy vegetarian.
I used to be a fitness buff and I traded it for this s$%@? I have no self esteem, I am angry all the time, I honestly sometimes feel like it would be better to die and then I could actually SLEEP IN PEACE!!! Then again, I want to live because I have so many goals, but we never have any money and now no time for me to go after anything. I haven't had a vacation since our 4 day honeymoon 5 years ago and my husband likes to control everything, especially the groceries because he feels that we only need to spend 400 a month on eggs and beans (for a family of six) and EAT IT FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH!!!
AAAAAAAAH!!! Somethings gotta give!
No disrespect, but do you think maybe, just maybe your husband maybe gay or bi-sexual? Think about it, he wants kids, but hates having sex with you….his WIFE! Your husband is either gay or he is having an affair with someone else and that is the reason why he doesn't want to have sex with you.
Secondly, the overbearing and controlling behavior that your husband has been displaying, in addition to his lack of love and sexual attention, I would divorce him!!!! What is life, if a wife can't get sex from her husband, but the wife can have be burdened with a army of kids that the husband wanted. Life is too short to keep living your life unhappy. If you were getting the love and sexual attention that you rightfully deserve from your husband, it would help you cope with the kids a heck of a lot better!
Amen! My hubby and I have been together for 13 yrs and have had kids for the past 5. I stay at home and f'ing hate it somedays. If it weren't for him and I sneaking off like teens to the bathroom whenever you got 5 mins we'd both go crazy and neither of us would stay. Men always got time for sex especially when the women's asking for it. wether he's gay or straight isn't even the issue really.Sounds like neither of you is into eachother anymore. if so be foreward, don't be shy cuz in the end you tried. You deserve some peace of happiness.All us stay home moms do, even if it's a piece of ass!
you people are all selfish and disgusting…your children deserve so much better than you! if you didn't want to be a mother you should have never had children! Do you people have any idea how many women would give up a body part to be in shoes. To be able to have one or more children of their own! I may never be able to love and care for a child of my and you people are out here taking about how tied down and sad you feel….I'll tell you about SAD, try 5 miscarriages one at 20 weeks!!!!!
Next time use protection or give your kids to someone who will give them the life they deserve …and yes "miserable mom" do the right thing and give her to her father, so she can have the she deserves. It doesn't matter what other people think…how selfish are you? all that matters is that innocent little girl!
Wow….sound like you are a really angry person. Perhaps all of that bottled up anger is the reason why YOU, have never been blessed with the opportunity to be a MOTHER!!!! God knows who to give children and who not too. You are way too emotionally unstable to be a mother and that is the reason why you haven't become on thus far. Go and get yourself a gold fish and call it a day! You are not fit to have children, so learn to face that reality and move on with your life. IF you stopped being so bitter and maybe you wouldn't be baren.
You want kids… good for you! WE DON'T!! That is how you feel, this is how we feel- get over it!!
And by the way, I never ever wanted kids and did use protection- IT FAILED! I don't believe in abortion and I'm a married woman whos husband was horrified by the idea of putting our child up for adoption. I would leave but I'm not that selfish. I put up with it DAY AFTER DAY. I put on a happy face and change diapers, clean up drool, and listen to incessant crying all day long.
We have the right to voice our opinions and let out our emotions. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru. I'm happy to have a place where I can vent and NOT BE JUDGED! It's better that we are hear letting out our emotions in cyberspace then keeping it all bottled in and being even more miserable. God forbid I snap one day and run away! I'm doing what's best for my daughter by sticking it out and I'm doing what's best for me by venting my emotions in a healthy way in the company of others who can sympathize!
Amen sister!!
I bet you wish you had had that abortion, huh?
As an avid "protection" user, I have now had 2 children. Some of us I guess are a tad more fertile than others. I understand there are many woman who would go to great lengths to have children and can't, and yet there are woman who truly don't intend on having children yet do. This is a site that allows us to vent our most hidden feelings, and THAT is more courageous than spouting unfounded opinions of the women you are cutting down. Some days are harder than others. I do not love every day of being a mother, but I do LOVE my children regardless of how I feel and you can bet your ass I would set anyone straight who harmed even as much as a hair on their precious little heads. I understand you don't like everything we have to say, nor would I ask you to agree, but I will ask you kindly to not put those down who find solace in this network of tired, stressed, and yes, even caring mothers. This is a reality of being human, and as a human, imperfect and flawed.
You said it! Hating the job does not mean hating the children. Love the children-hate the job, but we do the job we hate BECAUSE we love them.
I'm sorry for your tradgedies, but you are being just being rude. These moms have posted one of theire darkest secrets,and a huge tabboo, because they are alone and overwhelmed. Kicking them while they are down is not helpful, so I will assume you are being vengeful.
Look,I don't know any women that went into motherhood thinking anything less than "I will be the BEST Mom to my kid! Supermom, #1! I love them more than life!" They cannot help that it didn't turn out that way. While there are a few lazy, selfish women popping out kids with no thought, this is NOT what I'm hearing here. These are women who WANTED to be the best, and who thought they would be able to do it.
The truth is that being a parent is HARD and not for everyone- but you don't know this about yourself until after you've had kids. When you realize that you AREN'T going to be a good parent, or that you regret it all together, it is heart-breaking, and no one will support you, so its also isolating.
For some, having a family was their only goal in life, and they were as crushed and ashamed when they hated it as you were when you couldn't have a baby! Career women gave up their lifes work because they cared for their kids THAT MUCH- this isn't selfish at all! The fact that these women love their kids makes it all the harder to admit they hate the parenting part.
Again, I'm sorry you are having trouble carrying a baby to term. I was adopted because my parents were infertile, and they too get sick when they hear how some people have kids so easily, but regret it. They waited so long, and suffered so much, it is hard for them to hear such things.
Just remember, these kids weren't unwanted, and they are not unloved- they just have moms that can't stand all the drudgery that goes with parenting F/T. And anyone that thinks laundry, dishes, carpooling and diapers is fun is either a saint or insane…..
Staceyjw, that was so perfectly put. Thank you.
Easy to say until you are in our shoes 24/7. Poop up to your elbows, dinner burning one kid is crying the phone is ringing the dryer going your husbands asking where his clothes are..Then you find yourself asking thesame question we all do.. did I make the right choice. Grass ain't greener on either side. Don't judge anyone especially here. why are you surfing this page if you clearly are a saint and perfect?
i had a miscarriage too. don't give up. talk to your doc. are you married? if you are, just keep having sex…so you can get pregnant. don't give up.
5 miscarriages is an awful thing for any woman to go through. Noone who hasn't experienced what you've been through can possibly understand your pain. But please accept that you cannot possibly understand ours. I sincerely hope that the future brings you all you desire, and maybe when you have children of your own and you experience a little of what we are going through, you will find it in your heart to apologise for your hurtful words.
Dear Disgusted
I have a friend who, some years ago, lost both her legs in a dreadful accident. I suffer from Rheumatoid Arthritis in my knees and am in a lot of pain most of the time. Obviously my friend would dearly love to have legs, but do you imagine that she thinks I am "selfish and disgusting" because, although I have legs, I may occasionally complain about the pain in them? No! But that is exactly what you have just done. You need to recognise that your pain is not the only pain. You are the one being selfish. Your comments appal me! You have absolutely no idea, not the slightest clue, about the pain these women are going through – how DARE you call them selfish and disgusting.
I am so happy to have found this page. I have 2 boys,( ages 3 and 7)work full time as a nurse. and my husband works out of town and is only home on Sundays.We don't have family and I have no friends to speak of other than co workers and I work an hour from my home.I work 4 10 hr shifts with a 2 hr drive . I don't get home until 9 pm and my kids have to have dinner and baths. I am lucky to collapse into bed at 11. Then I get up at 5:30 am.I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I live for the ride in my car to and from work because it is the only time I feel peace. My husband is not very supportive or affectionate.Our sex life is non existent. Maybe once a month and its al about him and lasts about 4 minutes. I feel so unatractive and lonely. He does no "dad" things with his sons.He NEVER helps with anything even when he is home. He has never even washed a dish.He never has anything to say if I try to vent or if I cry over a bad day. So I am such a bitch to him most of the time because I have so much resentment towards him.My oldest son is extremely hyper and I get calls from his teacher about him at least twice a week.I feel like I am a failure as a mom and wife. I have never told anyone else that I feel this way because it makes me feel like a terrible person. I cry almost daily, I see no way out.I daydream about running away all the time.But I know I can't.Thank you for this page.
You poor darling! That would be too much for anyone to cope with. You should leave this page open on the computer for your husband to see and read. I cry daily too, and I don't have as much to cope with as you do. I wish I could help you, but I can bearly even help myself.
dear disgusted,
don't give up.
I totally respect all of you for being so honest…I ran into this site because i wanted to know if it was normal to not want to have children. i feel like if i'd have children i'd feel exactly like u guys. i don't want to get ahead of myself and just cut children out of my life but i really don't want to…i think it sucks that we judge others because they're childless . i think all of u guys are so brave to say what others can't…i feel a lot of women out there feel the same as u but are ashamed to say anything.
Diana, if you don't want them, just DON'T! Do not bow to the pressure to have children. You will only regret it if you do! The idea that even if you don't like children "you will love your own" and that parenting comes naturally, these are myths not true at all! This world has enough children, anybody that has them should think it through thoroughly and make sure they really want them on all levels and are sure they'd make good parents. To do otherwise is just tragic for both you and the potential kids you could bring into this world!
And yes, its normal not to want to have kids! Unfortunately its one of the last taboos in our society. You don't have to be a rabid childfree type to choose not to have them! As you can see here, plenty of people regret the decisions they made.
I have nothing but respect and admiration for all mothers. I do not have children because I know I would not be able to handle it. My younger sister has three good kids, ages 9, 17 and 19. I like spending ocassional time with them, but by the end of the day I am ready to go home.
The infamous "they" always seem to say "you will feel differently when you have your own." I have never believed that for a minute. If that were true, there would be no abused or abandonned children. Their mothers didn't "feel differently." I have heard that motherhood is a joy. My sister has been a mom – a good one – for 19 years, and she constantly looks tired and fed up. She truly loves her kids and says that she would not trade them for the world. I believe it. But I never see this joy and happiness I have heard so much about. I know she is jealous of the fact that I can come and go as I please. I work full time, but can plan vacations when I like. I can wake up on Saturday morning and drive to Vegas if I like. I can sit and read all day or go get a massage if I feel like it. I don't want to hurt her feelings so I don't tell her I'm glad not to be a mom.
I am glad that any kids I might have had do not have me for a mom. I would not neglect or abuse them, but I would be full of unfair resentment and wish they had never come along.
Again, I admire and respect you all. May you have peace and happiness in your lives.
Thank you so much EVERYBODY for your posts. Some of your posts could have very well been writtin by me. I am 38 with a 2 & 3 year old. I work full time and practically race out to the house everyday to enjoy the solitude of my 45 minute commute. I sometimes sit in my car in the driveway or nearby park for 20minutes before I have to face the demands of two toddlers at the end of the day. I often don't look forward to coming home, because I know it's going to be I want this, get me that, where's this, etc….. Some days I feel so in love with them but most days I just hate being a mom. I feel so lost, overwhelmed, invisibile, exhausted, and all of the above. My husband is awesome! He does his fair share. For some reason he continues to put up with me. I feel that he'll eventually admit that he deserves a better wife and mother for our children. I'm so depressed and anxious all the time. I do feel like a failure everyday! I know my mood affects the kids, hubby too. I try to do better, but then something simple will happen, like spilled milk, or a leaky diaper and I snap. I feel like I gave up myself in exchange for this motherhood thing that's supposed to be so wonderful, but I just feel duped. Thank you for letting me feel unjudged and normal, and thank you for your inpiring words.
I did not buy into the lies that having kids makes you a better person, you will love the baby when it's here, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, once the decision is made it is not reversible.
According to an old classic Ann Landers poll, 71% of parents state they would never do it again (I presume that was if they knew.)
I say y'all know, ya just don't wanna believe the evidence of your own eyes, you just buy into the media, Disney, etc. presentations of the 'joys' of having kids. Plus the crab in the bucket mentalities that are out there as well. Some people who have made a mistake on this order like nothing better than to attempt to drag other people down into the same pile they are in.
All you can do is make the best of it, don't have anymore and think twice before you tell some woman who is thinking about having kids that it is 'the best thing that ever happened to me,' and other nonsense.
Let the mooing begin.
"Mooing"? Now there's class….
Wow, I feel so sorry for you moms. I am a mom of two and there have been time when I regretted my decision, mostly during my PPD period, but for the most part I love being a mom to my kids. I guess I am lucky because my kids are wonderful and the fact that they sleep a lot, play well by themselves, are not demanding makes my job easier. Don't get me wrong, there are hard days but I don't regret my decision. I am stopping at 2, though, because I am afraid a third one would be too much. Having said all this though because of so many mom's having it hard, I will tell my daughter the brutal truth on how hard motherhood is for a lot of women and encourage her to do other things with her life before having children. I also would encourage her to only have one or two.
Why would anyone want to ruin their life/body/sanity like this????
I feel for all of you mothers and hope things get better for you.
I think you are all very brave for posting your comments on this website. I know it takes a lot as a woman to admit you do not enjoy being a mother, but it is nice to realise you are not alone.
I am a single mother of 2 girls whom I adore. However I hate being a mother too, that is why I throw my life into other things to keep me going. I am at full time university on a scholarship, I work 20 hours a week and I am a single mum.
I too wanted to have the career and to travel a heap more, however I married a country boy who wanted kids. I thought I could do it but after my 2nd child I got really bad PND and he NEVER supported me. I mean he is the best father you could imagine but he became a horrible husband. Not horrible as abusive just neglectful of me. It was like as soon as the children came along I no longer existed. So I left him. We share the children now, I have them 8 nights per fortnight and he has them 6. I too look forward to when they go to his house.
I am talking to a therapist about it (as well as studying to become a therapist) however it does not help the fact that kids are for life. After your chat with your therapist, you still have to go home to the boring routine that your life has become.
People just do not understand, if we were selfish losers, being a mother would not be so hard, we would let them eat junk 24/7, not worry about homework, manners, how they behave in public etc. Its because we do care about our children and how they grow up in society that things are so hard. We want our kids to be well mannered and eat well and become respectful people.
My life is so busy I do not even have time to go out and find myself a boyfriend, which makes it hard too because I crave male attention however do not want to just bring home a stray. I want something meaningful. How do you find a man that wants to take you on and your kids though?? Nobody wants to take on other peoples kids these days. Well that is how it feels anyway. I feel really lonely every day.
I should have never had kids, however I cant take it back now, so i just keep plodding away, taking each day as it comes. I think in this over populated world we live in, if your a woman and you do not feel maternal, do not do it. Its simple, some of us were born to breed and some of us were not. We should not feel guilty for being either one. Its just how we are made up.
I do love my girls and they never go without anything, however when they become little women and are asking me questions about this I will tell them the truth. They too will have their own questions about parenting and I am hoping when that time comes society will be a little bit more understanding of things like this.
Erm, I really have to ask this – If bringing up children is so unpleasant, why did you have them? Is it compulsory, or have you never heard of contraception?
Did it really not occur to you that sharing your life with helpless, incontinent, demanding creatures might not be much fun?
As for the lady that had FIVE – one can only assume she's a veeerrry slow learner!
I feel for all of you…really. BUT, I have a child with AUTISM, and if you think YOUR LIFE IS MISERABLE?!?!?!?!?! At least most of you have the grace of knowing that when your kids are grown, they will GO and you will get your "life back"…not ME. My son will need 24/7 supervision FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. I will have to bathe and feed a 50 yr old man when I'm 85! Y'all should just be GRATEFUL you have NORMAL KIDS!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry your son is atistic… but that still doesn't take away from our feelings about motherhood. It doesn't matter if you think our feelings are trivial compared to yours. They are OURS, and as you can see, many mothers feel the way we do.
My mother's daughter (my little sister) has Down Syndrome and she is in the same boat as you. She tells me what you vented all the time. You are such a good person because of it – even though I know you hate hearing that (my mom does too). You are right that it is harder because your son will never grown up. But please remember that you are not alone. There are others in your same shoes who totally feel your pain – like my mom. And even though it is so demanding, so many people are humbled by what you do even if they do not say it. Find one of the disabilities non-profits in your area — they will pay for "respit care" for your son so you can get a break. And there are lots of people (like me) who enjoy caring for people with disabilites. You are doing an awesome job and you are so STRONG and amazing even if in almost every moment you feel tired and worn. Don't worry. Your son loves you so much and in your heart of hearts you love him. I love you too!!!! Don't worry
You are selfish for saying such things. You have NO idea how it feels to be a woman or a mother. I am proud of you all who are brave and can say what you think here. I also love my kids, but the reality of stay-at-home mothering is very depressing. Also, shame on you who criticize those for their honesty….I sincerely hope that you are never judged for your feelings. I also hope that you love every single minute of your mothering should God bless you, but the reality of it is….you're human!
Brokenrecord, not looking for a fight here, I really am interested – Just HOW does pointing out that getting pregnant is optional make me "selfish"?
It's a question that really does interest me, whenever I hear parents whingeing about how hard it is to *be* parents – viz "So why did you volunteer for it?"
You obviously are not a parent and you could never be a Mother. It's amazing how judgemental you could be about something you've never been through. Obviously your are perfect and your life has been perfect, otherwise you would understand what it is like to be human and not perfect. By the way, most Moms on this forum had a planned pregancy. Just like everything in life, how can you truely understand it until you've lived it.
You ladies do realise there's not law that says you have to have kids don't you? Did the stork just drop them in your garden one day…..?
Obviously you are perfect and have a perfect life. Let's just hope you never have to deal with the reality of life some day. When you grow up then maybe you too will understand what it's really like to be a Mother.
I am glad I am not alone. I have one son and I am stopping at that. It is not all that it is cracked up to be. I officially hate all of those women who constantly spoke of the "joys" of having children. They are liars, ok. It is miserable. I had such a great life. Vacations with my husband, happy hours, shopping, showering and going to the bathroom whenever I wanted to. I lay awake at night just thinking about what I have gotten myself into and how can I get out of it, but at the same time I freakin love the little guy so much. If it weren't for my Mom taking care of him sometimes, I would have shot myself by now. If I had known, I would have waited until I was forty to have children and enjoyed my 30's. Stupid decision to have him so young.
You are so lucky that you realized to stop at one. My 1st child, a boy, really was a joy — such an easy baby!
We decided on #2, and she is a satan child. That's actually her nickname. She doesn't sleep through the night yet, she is 1 year old. She's always crying, screaming (even when she's happy), hitting, wanting to be picked up, put down etc etc etc. We can never go out to eat as a family because she startstelling for NO REASON. She is obnoxious. She is sucking the life out of me.
Sure, there are some great moments with her, and I love her, of course… but on a whole, life has sucked ever since.
typo: meant to read "she starts yelling", not "startstelling".
She is screaming in the background, as usual, so I'm a bit distracted.
I am happy for those of you who think you know so much more than us mothers! You have the freedom to judge because you are not in our shoes. You think you could do better, Ha! Your wonderful boyfriends and husbands you believe are going to be amazing fathers….LOL! Most of us believed the same. I even tested my husband w/ nieces and nephews and my little brothers to see how he handled babies. I asked a gazillions of questions to see where his mind was at! And I thought I would be an amazing mother, but reality is life is not like the 50's; and I don't think those women were as happy as they let on anyway!!! We as mothers and wives are suppose to play the role and love it to death. I personally despise it quite often! My children are beautiful, intelligent, and as all others have stated I love them more than anything. But unfortuanetly it does not take the drudgery away of rearing them. How dare people say we are horrible. What do you do 24/7 that you can not ever fail at or you ruin a human being. It's like living on pins and needles always. Have you ever stayed home w/ 3 sick children all vomiting for a week with no sleep? Have you ever nursed every two hours for months on end. Have you ever been pregnant and so tired and sick you can hardly keep your eyes open, but yet you have a toddler who will probably kill themselves if you dare snooze off. Have you ever listened to the same story or read the same book or watch the same movie literally 100's of times. Have you ever had someone ask what you do, and you tell them and they act as if it is nothing, that anyone could do it, and like you are an idiot for doing so! You judge us because what we are doing is more important than anything you are doing in your life. Nothing you do can compare to what we are doing. And most of us have had careers, so we have done what you do and we realize how pathetic and naive you actually are! We have the right to say what ever we please and more woman should. Even if I had read this I still could not have known what was coming! With all that said I am a mother, and being a parent can not compare to any other job or experience. It is a life long responsibility with temporary gratifications and unbelievable trials.
To have someone completely depend on you and adore you is mind blowing. It can not be fully understood until it is experienced first hand! I take pride in rearing my children, and I look forward to the day that the things I have taught them come to fruition.. (and for you wenches out there who want to pick at me or my grammar as if I'm uneducated I am sick, pissed because of you, and tired!) Also I will be probably woken up again several times before morning by my baby or toddler, so basically it's like living w/ jet lag for years!!!!
Did I just write that? WOW it felt great:):)
That WAS great!!! Thank you so much for writing that. WOW did you capture some perfect things. (Im tired too and anxious about my night with teething 1 year old twins and a husband traveling for the next 4 days/nights so excuse my poor writing here!) Anyone who has the nerve to post anything here other than support for us mothers who are standing up against the b.s. society and our own families have shoved down our throats can just eff off. I doubt any person here is questioning the love that we have for our own kids because we all apparently feel the same way. Kids=wonderful. Motherhood=cruel. Why didn't ANYONE tell me??? I feel hurt and betrayed by my friends, family, society.
As a childfree person replying to Sasha, I want to congratulate you on that post. Far from picking at the few spelling mistakes, etc, I have to say I felt it was a great piece of writing.
I don't agree with everything you said (especially where you implied that everyone who doesn't have children wants to put you down) but you managed to convey the ambiguity of your emotions – the fact that you know you *should* adore being a mother, and yet don't always – brilliantly. It showed genuine emotion without being cliched, and that isn't easy to do.
I wish more "on the fence" women could read what you wrote before having children simply because "it's what you have to do". It would mean far fewer distressed people in the world.
Thank you for your encouragement. Honestly I did not mean to come off as if I hated or disliked all childless people. Really this is a first for me. I don't think I would ever lash out at someone face to face like this, and it felt good to be frank:) I really was extremely tired and ill, but I had just put my baby to bed that had woken me up for the third time; so I was wired and frustrated to say the least. And I found this site in my insomniac moment of surfing the web. I was truly spouting off at the judgemental, "perfect" mothers and childless women on here. I also could relate and wanted to expound a bit on what the other real moms had to say. All these women should not feel horrible, and it is normal to feel the way they do. I also think husbands should read every post. I will definitely be asking my husband to. Then they would realize their wives are not the only ones who feel the way they do. We are not crazy, ungrateful, or lazy. We are moms plain and simple, and this comes with the territory.
If you don't have children and can't understand what this board is here for, then why are YOU here? Obviously, you are here to just hurt people who take care of their children every day.
To all the brave women on this site who have been able to admit their fears and their vulnerability, to admit they are far-from-perfect-mothers in the hope of encouraging other far-from-perfect-mothers I would like to say a heart-felt "Thank You". It is women like you who make the world a better place. It is, believe it or not, women like you who, because of your ability to admit your flaws, will raise your children to be fine young men and women.
But to those women who have seen fit to post critical, self-rightious and, frankly, insulting comments on a site that is clearly for people who need support – shame on you! Will you be that critical when your own child needs support? It is YOUR children that I pity, since your judgemental nature and lack of empathy is bound to have an affect on them.
Well I am 22 years old. I do not hate being a mom!!! I had my son when I was turning 20, and that is very young. I never regret it, and it was so hard in the first year, now that he is 2, he is very independent but I still have to do things for him. Me and my boyfriend have a pretty good schedule of letting each other go out with friends on certain days, we can both keep our sanity. We are not planning on having anymore children. Yes I do miss not being able to party and go out whenever I want, and not being able to do things without my little guy, but If me and my boyfriend did not have our son, we would be drug addicts. You have to make sure you always take time for youself. I never wanted to have any kids, but after having one, I know that he was meant to be here and I made a good choice for myself. I even completed a program at school recently to become an administrative assistant. I didn't get to go to college or do any of those fun things, but if you are unhappy dont have anymore kids. I just went on birth control because I NEVER WANT MORE KIDS! 1 is enough lol. I get depressed too, but its not because of him, because he is the light of my fricken life and he depends on me for everything, I can change how his life plays out, I can be strong and give him the life that I never had (me and my boyfriend are both from horribly broken abusive homes) and we are giving our son what we never had. Whenever I look into that little boys' eyes I remember the reason why Im here has more meaning than being selfish. I can still be selfish and have things, it will just take longer because I have a son. But in 20 years when I am 42, and he is my age, I will be happy that I have someone that will love my forever, and know that I never gave up and did everything I could, with a smile on my face, to give him a great life. Try not to worry so much about whether or not your house is spotless, my house is a disaster half the time, and yes the housework piles up, but there is more to life than a spotless home, enjoy the time you have. Get out there and take your baby for walks everyday, go see friends, dont just sit at home and clean and cook and wash laundry. It will be there when you get back. I am sometimes still in a depression, but its because I feel like my life lacks excitement. But you make your own life! Only you can change things and make your life what you want it. ANYTHING is possible!
I'm so glad to find this site. I feel so guilty. I love my husband and my daughter, and we went through so much to have a child. Five years of fertility treatments, so much disappointment, failed IVFs, and then it worked and I had the happiest, healthiest pregnancy and I was totally on a cloud for nine months getting ready to welcome her. At 38, I had traveled and had a great career and was in control of my life and my world; I have a fantastic husband and the baby was going to make our life complete – and she has. She's a blessing and I know I am lucky.
But the walls came tumbling down after she was born. I thought I had planned so well and taken all the right baby prep classes – and I didn't know anything. I still feel like I don't know really what I'm doing. I love my little girl, but I hate what's happened to ME. I am lost, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't enjoy seeing people anymore. I feel like my life has disappeared, and it's so physically exhausting hauling car seats up and down stairs, etc. It all seemed to snowball. It was stressful, I had complications from the c-section, I couldn't breast-feed, she was losing weight, I didn't have family or help around after my husband went to work, and my business dwindled to almost nothing. I wanted to just throw myself from the roof from despair. I decided to see a therapist, pretty sure I had PPD, but I was told that I seemed 'fine'. But I see these other moms who seem like they're so happy and they seem so confident and seem to know what to do and I feel so disorganized and I wonder what's wrong with me, how did I get so lost? I know I can change things, but I have no energy or motivation. I don't even want to clean house or call anybody on the phone. I've been afraid to tell anyone because I know it seems ungrateful after the gift we've been given, and I don't want anyone I know to hate me for being a little less than enthusiastic about my role as mom. Thank you for reading and not judging.
No judgement here whatsover. You sound just like me. I was 38 as well, gave up my six figure income with a huge awesome company. I had twins, one natural birth, one c-section (ya it was a long day) then had to be re-admitted one day after going home and leave my newborns with my husband and inlaws for two days because they released me with my blood count so low, I needed to get 4 units of blood. Well this completely ruined my breastfeeding attempts and I was severely depressed from that. I think I cried every moment I was in the hospital. And by the way my dad had colon cancer surgery 3 days after their birth. Talk about stress. In the year since their birth, I feel I have completely lost myself. Twins are so physically exhausting that although I want to do things, I just can't. I just can't. You could not pay me millions of dollars to have another child. I would have stopped at one if it had been a singleton. I just am still in shock that I had no idea you could hate motherhood but still adore your children and feel lucky, and that no one in my life has ever expressed feelings that sound like mine. Best of luck to us both. Take care.
Question: has anyone gotten medicinal treatment for this…but not been diagnosed with depression? What I mean is: I do not think I am depressed. I have been depressed in the past and this is not the same. I can function. I just hate my life. What I am is woefully sad and in mourning for my past life and am having trouble coming to grips with a life that I hate, but cannot change, topped with guilt about having two beautiful healthy children that I love and that I KNOW many people on this earth would give their right arm for. Is there medicine for this? This is a serious question. I think the answer is no.
Dear Trapped
I went to the doctor and told them almost exactly the same thing that you've written. She offered me antidepressants anyway, but I refused because I've had them before and like you, I don't think I'm depressed. She offered me "stress counseling", but after a few sessions I stopped going because all I was doing was talking about my feelings and there didn't seem to be any answers. So, in short, I think the answer is 'No' too. Sometimes I use Bachs Rescue Remedy, which makes me feel a little calmer about my situation, but the relief is short-lived. I think somehow, some way, we have to find a way to adjust our minds to this new way of life. I don't know how, but when I find a way I'll let you know! I have to say though, it helps me enormously to know there are other people who feel the same, so thank you.
Thanks Andrea. I agree, I have been able to get through my day easier since I found this site and learned that other people feel the same way I do. I don't know why, but it really helps. I'm not sure what Bachs is but I will look it up. I "used" to be a runner and run marathons and I'm putting the same type of mental strategies (ok, mental "games") towards this SAHM job, which are basically: "just keep putting one foot in front of the other, don't overthink it and don't stop – you WILL get to the end".
Take care
I feel extra bad because my little girl is only three weeks old and already I'm asking myself if I've made a mistake. I love her to death and every time I look at her little face I feel so guilty for feeling this way.
I had a life, I was a successful musician and now all I do is sit at home, stare at tv while I nurse and hold my inconsoleable child while my husband works. I miss my music, I miss my friends, I miss my old life. I keep hoping it will get better, but after reading some comments it doesn't seem like it does.
It does get a little better. 3 weeks old is very young, and at that age all they really do is eat and sleep.
Soon, your daughter will start to interact, be more alert, and start smiling, cooing, then crawling and walking etc. Before you know it you will be taking her to parks and playing, etc. Not to mention start to have just a little more free time to pick up music again, or some other hobby. She WILL get more independant.
Also, you are a new mother… it takes time to start to settle into the role of mommy. It's such a huge change. I've been in this mommy role for 3 1/2 years, and I am still learning the ropes.
Hang in there!
I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't the only one that regrets becoming a mom, but having it here and being able to read it I feel much better. I'm 24 with a 9 mo and a 3 yr old. My 3 yr old was in the nicu for a month every since then I have felt detatched from her and I had postpartum depression for sure. I never got it with my second child which i had a normal pregnancy with and delievery. I feel much more closer to her than my 3 yr.old which i feel so guilty about.but now It seems i only get REALLY bad right before my period. I'm worried I might have ppmd. I've read studies online saying that its more likely to happen to women in there 30's. Does anyone around my age have it?
Wow, this is all very profound. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. I'm 42 and have 4 daughters. My older ones are 17 and 9, and then I remarried and had 2 more girls who are now 3 and 1.
Only 1 was planned, the others were all surprises. Funny too, cause I have used different types of birth control but apparently I am amazingly fertile. In addition to my 4 girls, I have had 4 miscarriages. After having my most recent baby last spring, I had a tubal ligation and during surgery I had complications and almost died, but hopefully it will finally keep me from getting pregnant!
AND HERE I AM!! I am a stay at home mom and I love my girls more than life but I totally hate the drudgery of daily parenting.
My oldest, age 17, is always mouthing off and telling me how much she hates living with all of us. She is brilliant and beautiful but TOTALLY strong willed. It seems like we are always at each others throats.
My 9 year old is a HUGE challenge. She can be a great kid and never gets in trouble, most people think she's so well behaved and quiet. But at home she screams and slams things and tells me she hates me when she doesn't get her way. She has gotten better over the past year but still has her moments. She can be the sweetest most loving kid most of the time, but then there's that other 10%.
My two little ones are great kids and much easier than my older two were, but they are little, and my daily life is controlled by their needs. I feel like I have no life. I have no motivation anymore because it's just a neverending struggle. I can work hard to clean house, and in an hour it's trashed again. My older girls tell me what a horrible mom I am when I try to get them to help out, so mostly my house is a disaster. For those of you who know your greek mythology, I feel just like Sisyphus who was eternally sentenced to pushing a giant rock up a mountain every day, only to get to the top and watch it roll down again, then have to push it up the mountain again, etc etc. No matter what I do, it really doesn't matter because I will just have to do it over and over.
For those who are critics, at least we are being honest. Most people I know are totally sure they will be great at this, and have all the answers… until they actually have kids!!! Once you have kids, and realize how hard it is, normally you stop being so critical.
My ex-husband has never paid a dime in child support, although I have continuously tried to get it. The problem is that he was living on an Indian Reservation and as long as he stayed there, he was protected. A few years ago, he was convicted of child endangerment and sent to federal prison for 30 years, but because he is incarcerated I STILL can't get child support even though he has the means to pay it. The system has totally failed me and my two older girls.
My current husband is a wonderful husband and father and loves my two older girls like they are his own, as well as being a big help with our two little ones. I am lucky to have him, but still…..this is SO HARD!!
Like many of you have said, we obviously love our kids because if we didn't care so much, it wouldn't be nearly as hard. I just hate the constant mess, the whining and feeling totally unappreciated no matter how hard I work at this. I'd die for any one of my kids in a second….and in a way, I am, because I have totally given my life to them.
Thanks for letting me vent!
OMG.. I had absolutely no idea there were actually REAL OTHER HUMAN BEINGS OUT THERE that felt exactly like me.
I am a miserable mess… I have a 10 month old and a 4 year old and I am home 24/7 with them. I used to have a thriving home Web Design business.. making tons of $$$, and enjoying life… BALANCING it anyways.
I'm trapped.. I'm miserable.. and I am starting to resent my children.
I don't know who I am anymore. I am the maid.. The one who cleans every damn day.
I'm constantly cleaning… it feels as though anyways.
I am hoping to get some help with this. Good luck to everyone.. I don't think there is a solution. I love love love my kids but I can't stand them most days.
I hate being a mom. I am 31 and have a two year old daughter and she is amazing, but I feel trapped and depressed. I have a PhD and tons of opportunities to pursue my career and travel, but I can't because of being a mom. (I should say, I choose not to work 60 hours/week and leave home for 2 weekends a month because I believe the responsible thing is to be home with my family.)
I thought I may have postpartum depression, but after a year I thought I should be feeling better. I went on the Mirena after my daughter was born, and I asked my doctor if it could be causing depression – I was tired, overwhelmed, and irritable. My doctor removed the Mirena, but said those are also totally normal side effects of being a mother! I am glad I had the Mirena removed, but I still have the same feelings. I am totally mourning the loss of my independence.
I have never been a bra-burning feminist, but becoming a mother has made me hate men. I work full-time as a social worker, and all the administrators are men. I look around me, and I see other women working theirs asses off, while the men call all the shots. My boss asked me to call his WIFE to make arrangements for his next work trip! I wish I had a wife!
At home, I honestly believe my husband does what he can – and it's pathetic! He is always complaining. He wakes me up at night whenever he hears any little noise. I have not slept through the night in two years – including the nights when my daughter has been at my mom's house! He needs constant praise for doing anything – dishes, vacuuming, or grocery shopping. He is always telling me it's not a competition and not to compare our roles – that is because he would be LOSING!
My job also requires me to work with families who have serious issues – like child abuse and sexual assault. It makes me sick! I am constantly worried that my daughter will become a victim someday. The other day I was thinking, I really believe men are responsible for war, sexual assault, rape, terrorism, mass murders, femicide, school shootings, and domestic violence.
It's shocking to see these words pouring out because I have great men in my life – including my dad! But becoming a mother has made me see that so many men are spoiled and incompetent! I believe that women are the most untapped natural resource on this earth, and I think so much of our potential is being tied up by having to stay home with children. Of course we are doing the most important work in the world, but we are getting screwed big time!
I love your list of things men are responsible for. It's true.
It's also true that we're better than them because we're mothers. No one works as hard as moms – hands down. Even if we do hate it.
And I'm not a feminist either.
I have always loved kids. They're so cool. I love the way they think, learn and I am fascinated by the way the grow and move. I even really enjoy a good days housework and I am a playful, gentle and loving person by nature.
But right now I can just about manage 5 minutes in the company of my kids without loosing my will to live and I am not exaggerating. I know I'm depressed and am on medication, I feel pretty good when I am not with them. I even look forward to seeing them again and have wonderful moments of their faces in my mind.
Within a few minutes, the demands begin, the tantrums start and the complaints about everything. Some times I feel like such a failure as a mum that they would be better off without me.
I told my husband I hate being a mum and he said ' No you don't'. I don't think it's because he is insensitive, but I think he just can't imagine how I could hate it when I clearly love them SOOO much.
Thank you for this site, thank you everyone (yes everyone) for posting and showing us all the HUGE range of feelings on this topic. It has most certainly touched a nerve.
And to close, I am hopeful, that having an understanding forum will help all us mothers struggling with feeling something that we think we shouldn't be feeling. If nothing else, knowing that we are not alone is a huge relief to those of us who thought we were somehow abnormal.
Good all rounder need for immediate start in 'busy' workplace. Hours are from 0000 to 2400 Mon to Sun. Remuneration will be paid in 25 years if successful in project.
Duties include everything required to make a new person, building management, supplier liason, education, discipline, health, nutrition, hygiene and fitness of an often 'uncooperative' subject.
You are a confident self motivator, adept at multitasking while multitasking, you have the gift of smiling through the abuse from your subject and the condemnation of complete strangers. You adore your little 'subject' regardless of how many times it has publicly humiliated you by pulling your skirt up in the shopping queue, waited until all your groceries are on the conveyor before announcing I HAVE TO GO PEE NOWWWW very loudly while it's younger incarnation bawls red faced in the pushchair for milk.
You are emotional enough to teach your subject to be a well balanced young adult come the time but not so emotional that a few years of sleep deprivation and indentity assualts will affect you.
Apply in writing so that, should you change your mind after enduring the position for the on the job training period, your application may be used to support any future vicious comments made by complete strangers.
I would like to apply for this position. It sounds wonderful. I promise I will never complain about the job even when it looks like all hope is lost for my dignity.
I do have some questions though?
Is there back up?
Is there a guaranteed method?
Will my results be judged fairly?
Will my new skills be transferable?
Do you provide references for future ventures of mine?
Yours sincerely
Ev R Y Mumever
Dear Ev
Please find below the response to you (frankly presumptious) questions:-
Your contract is en route. Welcome to the fold. Now do not ever contact us again or ask anymore questions because it will make you look incompetent and ungrateful for the gift of this job!
Soooo true! LOL
The weather has been nice and i have been bringing my little 6 month old to the pool and it has been okay.. but she cries most of the time. well she just cries.. its nothing new. Last night she cried and cried and cried.. again i got no sleep.. why? why do i see all these other mom that have babies that sleep the whole night through.. i envy them.. i cant stand them.. I just feel so tried, warn, fat, and ugly.. I want to workout but there is no time.. my husband is working all the time and im stuck at home.. i finally got a car so that helps but every time i bring her out all she does is cry.. and then i have to hold her while pushing the stroller.. we all know how that goes. stress-city..
Most of all when she cries i do everything to calm her.. then i just break down crying myself because I feel like im a horrible mom.. then comes the thinking of running away and she would be better off without me… i need to run away.. but something is keeping me from it.
I literally just spent an hour reading through all the posts here. I'm a 22 year old single mom and I feel identical to so many of you. I felt like just breaking down and crying as I read on because this is our truth. Tonight I had a pretty big fight with my mother about feeling this way. It was obviously a mistake to be honest and tell her although I love my daughter more than anything, I hate being a mom. I too can only muster up the energy to take care of all my daughter needs in a day. She suggested I "get the hell out of the room for once and take the baby to the park to socialize with mothers" because apparently taking a seven month old (who can't even play at the park) to the park is the solution for my broken record life. I am just so certain that the ray of light will hit me and I'll have some massive epiphany while socializing with another zombie mom who tells me what color her kid's vomit was last week. No one gets it. It was said so perfectly by some of you when you said there is no more you. There are no more dreams, hopes, ambition because why bother teasing yourself? It kills me when friends of mine who are lucky enough to drop everything and do as they like after work, invite me out and I have to decline. I feel like a zombie, a zombie living in some horrible nightmarish twilight zone. My daughters father gets to go about life as if nothing happened. Never will he have to run to the car to change a runny diaper while shopping, make bottles, wake up out of his peaceful sleep at night, entertain a baby from morning to night sometime in between doing those loads of laundry or any of the other million things that comes along with being a slave. I truly feel as if my life is over, as if when you gain a baby you lose yourself. It would be different if husbands/boyfriends were more helpful but apparently because they have nine to five jobs they're doing their part. Constantly throwing around the "well i'm tired, I WORKED all day" bit. At least they can look forward to getting off of work at a certain point in their day. What time is our shift over? Oh, that's right.. never. I do feel guilty and I feel like a bad person but one just simply cannot help but to feel the way they do. The saddest part of it all is that there seems to be no answer to our problem.
Dear K,
I am also a 22 year old mom. It sounds like your mom is being rough on you rather than sympathizing with you. My mom hated being a mom sometimes too, and she was honest with me about that, and now when I talk to her about how much I hate it she understands and that makes me feel better. Tell your mom that you need a break and ask her to stay with the baby if she is near.
It is way harder for you as a single mom. YOU HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO HAVE A BREAK if you dont have a husband (even if they are idiots). Take the baby to the gym day care, and even if you dont want to work out, just do something else while you are there. Also the first year is REALLY hard, and the most depressing I have found.
Going outside and having sunlight touch your eyes for 15 minutes a day has been proven to uplift your mood. Try that – and you don't have to go to the park to talk to annoying Mommies.
The answer to our problem is that "the only way out is through." Seriously. We have to go through the struggle to get out of it.
I really like this book called the MomsTown guide to getting a life as a stay at home mom. Maybe you will like it too.
Wishing you all the best dear.
By the way, you're doing an amazing job.
OMG, I am not the ony one!! I feel so much better already! I am a mom of a 6 year old. I am so tired of being this person who can not feel happy. Dont take me wrong, I love my son, but I hate kids, I hate the fact that I can not just get a bag and go away for the weekend like i usto before… or just go to the mall without thinking getting him dress, making sure he had something to eat, he brushed his teeths and so.. I wish I cold at least dream of in 18 years to be free again, but I cant because my bay is autistic… Imagine that, forever 2! I still have dipers to deal wih everyday.. There is many times that I wish I could just die..
I too have been a stay at home mom for 8 years now. We have two boys 8 and 4. They are wonderful boys and I have a wonderful husband. But Im so lonely and I feel alot of resentment of how my life has turned out. I feel so out of touch with society as I dont get to even talk with many people; No famiy. I babysit 50 hours a week to help make ends meet, husbands 34k salary a year just doesent cut it and I never wanted my kids in daycare nor do I want someone "watching them" because I know its a burden to them as it is me. We had planned on having another WHY you ask me I HAVE no frecking idea!! Its so stupid really as we get no time to ourselves and I get no break except to run the the grocery store :( Im so glad to have found this site. I think lots of moms feel this way and feel bad about themselves its very freeing to read these coments and know
Im not alone!
I respect all of you for coming together and sharing your stories. I do not yet have kids so I've been trying to learn from moms what it's REALLY like so one day I will be prepared. When I ask the mothers I know how motherhood is going I always have this feeling that I'm not getting an honest answer. They sound almost robotic when they say, "Oh it's great etc etc" It just sounds so eerily phony.
In search of the truth, I decided to go online, where there's more anonymity and I read through a few websites that seemed to start down the path of honesty but quickly made a left turn as if women wanted to admit how they felt but were too ashamed. For example, one mom admitted she was depressed and wasn't enjoying motherhood and asked if anyone else felt the same. 5 moms chimed in with, "Oh I love my kids so much, its tiring but it's the BEST thing I've ever done." The general attitude was like, "oh you poor thing, get yourself together." I just kept picturing all these women sitting around a table with big scary fake smiles plastered on their faces as they take another swig from the glass of denial.
Then I came across this site, what a refreshing dose of reality! Thank you for your honesty, and I see nothing wrong with being truthful about your feelings and having others validate them. Society puts so much pressure on moms to uphold an image created a long time ago, that women are naturally maternal supermoms and are supposed to love every moment of it, so when reality hits, they feel inadequate.
The reality is, motherhood is completely selfless and you are sacrificing your entire life to give one to someone else, sometimes more than one. It involves giving up your entire body for 9+ months, sore chapped nipples, stretch marks, sleeplessness, exhaustion, frustration, being held prison in her own home for years at a time, cleaning up poop, vomit, and snot, endless cooking, cleaning, and laundry, putting up with tantrums, screaming and whining, being the taxi driver, tutor, cheerleader, mediator, disciplinarian, protector and bank, dealing with 6+ years of adolescence (a task in itself) and putting your own hopes and dreams on hold, maybe forever, so that someone else can fulfill theirs.
Now how many other jobs are this thankless and carry this much responsibility 24-7-365 with no pay? A big fat NONE. No job compares to the job of a mother and to add insult to injury, society expects mothers to do all this with a smile?? I give that a big fat middle finger!!
Thank you mothers that are here sharing the truth and breaking down yet another bogus image society has created for women. Not enjoying all the BS that comes with motherhood doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother, it makes you a human being, and I'm sure that if most other mothers could give up their, "I'm a perfect mom" facade, they'd be right here with you.
High five ladies, you are some strong women!
THANK YOU!! I wish all people were so understanding
I have two children and three step children. Thank goodness we don't have all of them at once. Just the same as everyone else, I love my kids but I am sooo done. I feel like a robot going thru the same routine day in and day out. I really do hate being a mom. I think that the biggest issue is that I never had a chance to be a kid. I had my son at 16. Should have listened to mom…. Anyway, I am so damn critical of everything and feel like a drill sergent. The thing is if I don't demand the best nothing gets done and my significant other doesn't move his butt either. I wish I could go back in time and do things all over again, I probably would not ever have kids… I feel so guilty for feeling this way but it is what it is I guess.
I know exactly how you feel. I too, I guess, take the drill sergeant method. Its the only way to keep my sanity. I know some of my family memebers think I'm too strict. Sometimes I think it makes me a bad mom cause it seems I'm always bossing them around instead of playing or loving them.
I'm the same way. I didn't start out this way, it was quite the opposite, I was patient and compassionate but that well is dry and now I just pound out the orders to keep it moving, I'm exhausted and I wonder if the old me is still in here somewhere. Where did I lose her and will she ever be back? I don't like this person I've become, I'm always angry and tired. I don't have the energy anymore. I thought it was harder when my 2 were younger and it was in some aspects but at least they wanted me around, now they are wrapped up in school, friends, and projects so I get all the "mom can I have some money, mom can you drive me here, mom can you buy me this, and not any of the mom hug me, mom cuddle with me, mom don't leave. I do wish I had a better idea of what this life was going to be like so I couldn't done more with my first one. Sigh
I am 33 year old SAHM to only 1 child, my son who is 15 months old and I am tears almost daily because it has been so hard. When he was born he had BAD colic and silent reflux and sleep maybe 5 hours allll day! I was ready to loose my mind. Around 10 months I started to like him, I always loved him but was so drained. He has always had stomach issues so I watch what he eats.
He now has a bad ear infection on top of teething and has started hitting and biting and kicking. He is only 15 months old for goodness sake. He is refusing to take a decent nap and it is driving me nuts. I cannot get a thing done bc when he is awake he is screaming, crying or wanting to be held. I am not sure how much longer I can handle this "fussy," baby. He has already had timeouts. I don't know what to do. I want me old carefree life back again. I desire a normal and happy baby.
I googled I hate being a stay at home mom and this is the 1st thing that popped up. I'm glad to see that I am not the only mom who feels this way, honestly right now I hate being a mom. My kids don't listen to me and when I yell they get a smerk (sp?) on their face. I just really want to walk out the door and never look back sometimes. I let them go upstairs and play and they destroy their rooms like ungrateful brats. I just feel like ripping my hair out and mind you I am a military wife so its always me who has to watch the kids and do everything. Plus might I add my husband has been on 2 one year deployments and we live very far from family, so dropping my kids off at the grandmoms or aunts is out of the question.
Right now I refuse to buy anymore toys since they do not appreciate the ones they do have and I'm throwing away all of their toys except for maybe 2 and thats it. I wish I would of never had kids and I only have 2 and I'm sure there are plenty of other women out there who have more kids then me. Now I understand why some stay at home moms put there kids in full day care or all day summer programs. I just need a BREAK! Thanks for letting me vent
I am so glad I found this website and am not the only one who feels this way. I am a SAHM of 2. I never thought i'd have kids. Had a good career, awesome husband who wanted kids. To be honest I had the 1st for him. I had my 2nd for my 1st child cuz I wanted him to have a playmate! So whoever said we Moms on this forum are selfish is wrong. We all have basically sacrificed our lives for our kids. I stay at home & also work pt from home. My kids drive me
up the wall & sometimes when they don't listen I just give up and start crying. I feel like a failure. My kids deserve a better Mom. I feel so guilty when the thought of "regret" crosses my
mind. I just feel lost and lifeless. I rarely enjoy myself anymore. Don't even wanna go on a family vacation because it's more work than relaxation. I really want to be a good Mom to my kids. They are so full of life. Hopefully some inspiration is coming my way. Day-to-day.
it's weird reading all these comments…sorta like you guys didn't 'know' what motherhood was about. For all the reasons you've stated, I never had children and I don't regret it a bit. Motherhood isn't like getting a new car or living room set. Its a 18+ year commitment of time responsibility and energy. You have the most important job in the world – but it's also a thankless one. Eventually your kids will grow up. For those of you at the end of your rope, therapy can help you.
Well no Anon, some of us didn't know what motherhood was going to be like. Sure, we had an idea but if you've never done something you don't know what it's like until you experience it yourself. Yes I knew it'd be hard but I didn't think I would hate it. News flash, LOTS of mothers feel this way but because it's taboo most just keep quiet. Seriously, who isn't going to hate their job at some point when it's 24/7 of exhaustion for years on end. I love my child but I hate my job right now and venting is cathartic. It feels good just to admit it and have others understand instead of reacting in horror and shunning you for it so take your useless advice elsewhere.
anon, may I ask why you are reading a post about being a mom when you aren't a mom? Do you indeed not regret being a mom?
Therapy sounds like a great idea but living on one salary and my husband's pay cut will not allow me to spend money on that.
It is nice to keep getting validations on decisions one takes. We knew it ahead of time that it was not going to be difficult to be a mother. Note that some people like children, it is just that they do not like the "job". Good luck to all mothers. Also, some woman come to this site because they are entertaining the idea of becoming mothers. So, they are educating themsselves….
You all don't know how glad I was to stumble across this blog. I've pretty much been at SAHM for almost a decade (I did some temp work on occasion), and my original plan had been to work next fall when my son goes to all day kindergarten. I have decided I can't wait a year. I am looking for a job today. My kids are 9 and 4, so they aren't as needy anyway, but I am sick and tired of endless food preparations. No one likes what I make anyway. Non-stop cleaning, somehow the house is still a mess. Constant interruptions while I try to accomplish anything. Guilt because I don't really like to play children's games, and so on. I have found that even actively looking for a job has given me some relief. Instead of looking forward to another endless day of endless chores and whiny kids, I start treasuring the time and engaging them more because I am thinking that this time is coming to an end. I hope to be able to enjoy my time with my kids more after I return to work. I do love them to pieces, but kids are draining.
I am not exactly sure when everyone became a therapist, but sometimes it's nice to be able to say I hate something, it takes the edge off.
For the most thankless, low paying, often self defeating job in the whole world I will admit, I hate being a mom sometimes too, and sometimes that is for weeks.
But, at the end of it all, I can just hope the choices I have made will work out, and if not…well that is just life.
i hear you loud and clear, sister.
It good to hear I'm not the only one feeling like this. I have a 6 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. I used to be a working single mom 3 years ago and loved my life. Since then I remarried, became a stay-at-home mother and had my daughter. My son was always full of energy but my daughter is 10 times worse and also very demanding, cries alot, and just needy 24/7. I also hate being a stay-at-home mother. I don't have the joy of being a mother, I feel like my life sucks. I don't enjoy going to the park with the kids because I'm always chasing after them, yelling at them for doing something wrong, it's exhausting for me. I often think about what my life would be if I didnt have kids. I never thought I would feel this way. I envy some other moms I know who feel happy and satified with their lives, they also have normal and calm kids, I don't! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but I hate my life right now! I would love to speak with other moms feeling like me. I think it would help me emotionally.
Yeah, wait'll they're teenagers. Lordy! Piercings, black hair dye, black clothes everyday, and now one wants a tattoo. If I live through this, it will be a miracle.
I'm 22 right now, so I just finished the teen years. To be honest, I would rather my daughter be that age where she doesn't wanna be around me and is just doing her own thing. I hate having to make her food and dress her and give her a bath. If she wants to sleep in when she gets older, I'll let her. More time for me to relax. Yes, my daughter is still a baby, only 3 but I hate someone relying on me when I can't even rely on myself. I'm married and I wish I would've just done the right things in my life. Sometimes I hope my daughter has the worst life in the world so at least I don't get jealous. I'm a jealous person. But then again, she IS my daughter. I do wish she doesn't make the same mistakes I did.
i get it. all the other moms seem so satisfied, and there kids are never the ones to lose their sh%* at the library. it's hard. and it DOES make one want to stay in, b/c it's easier than piling the kid in the car, getting them into the store, and fearing that at any moment, he/she might decide to lose it. did you read new york magazine last week. the cover story was "i love my kids but i hate my life."
TRUST ME – you are not alone. wish we could get together and complain – just not at the library.
OMG!! it's like I was meant to read your story. I'm feeling the same way. I love my kids ( ages 2 and 3 months) but I say to myself at least 3 times a day "what would my life be like if I didn't have them" I don't know about you but I also feel a lot of guilt for feeling this way after all they didn't ask to be here. And I know so many people that can't get pregnant, or even few who have lost kids. I'm really hoping it's just sleep deprevation and I will feel "normal" soon. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way, thanks again.
Hi I needed that!
Thank you for your post, you really understand too. I agree , so many people tell me, that my son did not wish to be here and I know that, but it does not help the pain and frustration inside. I have the guilt too when hearing people cant get pregant or lose children. I would die if I lost my son but it does not take away the fact that I did not ever think I would feel this way. Sleep deprivation certainly does not help!! We will do ok, I know it!!! admitting it, we can get personal growth, thank you again.
I am a stay-at-home-mum of two gorgeous girls, and most of the time I hate being a Mum. I have read the books, ask for advice from various help groups, done everything "right" and have 2 well-behaved lovely girls. But I still find myself hating the endless demands of story telling, game playing, snack making, meal making , nappy changing, cleaning up spills wiping noses brushing knotty hair (screams!) pig tails, pink and purple clothes, broken sleep. Sometimes it can be delightful, mostly it's just hard, tiring and physically demanding and pretty boring.
NO_ONE told me or even suggested it could be this hard or told me I would never know if I would be doing a good job or not. Most of the time I think I'm pretty rubbish as a mother, but my two girls are doing really well and seem happy – so what does that mean, and why am I still so angry?
You are not alone
hey, im glad to see there are lots of us that hate this job, i have 2 small boys 2 and 4yrs….its sooooooooooo hard! i actually hate it!
why people want children is beyond me…unless they r people who dont want to make a good life for them sel, cuz u got no chance once u have kids!
what are we meant to do….just hate our lives, or leave them? some one help me please cuz i have no idea
i hear you sister. i dont have answers but admitting it is the best first step. i think getting a break is helpful, knowing they will grow up someday is helpful, knowing other moms are feeling the same way is helpful. stick with it, it will get better for us, i know it. i try every day not to hate it so much and try to find good things. let the hate and goodness flow through us and not attach to either feeling, kinda like a Buddist would. i have learned alot from meditation.
i feel angry too sometimes. it is ok. you are doing a great job Mom.
I am a 28-year-old woman. I immigrated from Russia in the hopes of receiving the best education that would enable me to realize my dream of working as a human rights lawyer. I thought the US would be the best country for that, since all I heard growing up in the Soviet Union and then post-Soviet Russia is that America is a heaven for women, that US women are all independent, freedom-loving, highly educated and ambitious-true shakers and movers of humanity. Tired of age-old Russian patriarchy, which reduced me to nothing more than a uterus and a vagina to be used and exploited by men, I purchased an airline ticket to the US. I was so excited, so hopeful. But upon arrival, I very unpleasantly surprised to discover that women in the US are badgered into marrying and reproducing just as much as their counterparts in Russia or India. For the past 10 years, I have been a subject of harassment by other people, mostly women, overwhelmingly mothers, asking me incessant, and may I note, very inappropriately personal, ill-mannered and just outright tasteless questions of when I plan to have kids, followed up by patronizing remarks of how selfish childless-by-choice women are (yes, instead of getting pregnant, I am preparing to go to the Middle East to fight for human rights, for which I will very likely be killed in a very violent manner one day-how incredibly selfish and vapid of me!), and how empty and meaningless one's life is without kids, who, I presume, are THE source of meaning and purpose in life. And after I was engaged to a very nice American guy, a self-identified feminist, no less (we certainly do not have such men in Russia!), a few years ago, his female relatives "welcomed" me into the family by first, harassing me with similar questions and remarks, and then, upon encountering my resistance and insistence that they were being far too intrusive and impolite, simply ostracized me. Nowadays, when I do attend any family functions, which I desperately try to avoid like a bubonic plague, I find myself sitting all alone in a room, while everyone, except for my fiancee and his very kind father, avoids me and treats me as if I have leprosy. So, allow me to ask you, ladies, the following question: you are all moms, you know very well that having kids may not be for everyone, that motherhood is not a continuous Hallmark moment, that it is not a one-fit-for-all model of happiness and personal fulfillment, so why do so many of you, upon meeting a childless woman like myself, proceed to tear her and her life choices to pieces? Why do so many of you deceive young women into making a very big, irreversible mistake by not being honest with us, not sharing your true feelings and experiences?
I admit, I did mentally entertain an idea of having a child, especially since it appears to be the only route for me to win acceptance and just plain civility from my in-laws-to-be. But then again, having kids to appease other people, to gain social recognition and acceptance is very wrong and misguided, in my opinion. No? Am I wrong? Everyone assures me that I would feel so very different once I give birth, that I would be so completely in love with my own baby, that I would grow to see that motherhood is so much more befitting for me than fighting Taliban and Congolese war-lords… I am not convinced though. Am I missing something? Offline mothers in unison profess the "gospel" of motherhood. But online moms express completely opposite feelings and opinions. I am so very confused. Please give me your advice.
You might want to post this reply at the bottom of the page so that more people will notice it as a new reply. That said, here is my opinion as a fellow child-free woman:
Recently a friend of mine got pregnant with her first child. When she told her Mom the news, her Mom started cackling wildly and said "Now you're going to know just how hard it is!!!" My friend was horrified and shocked to get that reaction. It didn't surprise me at all, though: misery loves company.
Hi Anna
thanks for your long and thoughtful post. I am glad there are women who know who they are and it is certainly fine not to have children and not to want them. I give you a warm support. I do have a child and and very career oriented and it is not working out the way I planned it. I think I should not have had a child but I am making the best of it right now. I am sorry society puts pressure on women in so many ways that are so not necessary. One is weight and looks, another is being a career women or stay at home mom , one is pressure to marry , or have children, then commenting on what kind of mom we are. It really is not a fair world when it comes to women vs men, is it?
As another childfree (like some kids, never had any urge to have them) woman, I can agree with the misery loves company meme.
Don't let anyone else dictate your life choices. If you want kids, have them. If you would rather die than have kids, don't have them. If you would rather have golden retrievers, go for it.
Yes, even in progressive America you are often thought of as some kind of defective if you don't jump on the baby train. If you do have kids, you are also thought of as defective if you dare vocalize that motherhood is not all Kodak moments and what it is cracked up to be.
My mom is a grandmother and loves it, but I told her long ago not to expect anything from me beyond granddogs and grandcats. And my mom was wise enough to say that kids are indeed overrated. (And I have sufficient self-esteem to know exactly what she means without it being a personal hit.)
I say, definitely do not get pregnant unless it is truly what YOU want. I wish someone would've told me that before I decided to get pregnant. Especially since you would be the mom. Who in your family is going to be waking up and feeding and changing the baby? You. Who is going to have to basically raise the baby on their own? You. It doesn't matter if you're a single mom or if you're married, the mother ALWAYS has to be the one that does mostly everything. Not everyone has the energy for that. It's hard enough taking care of one's self, then when another human being comes into the picture, it's nerve wrecking. Don't listen to what people say. It's your body*, your mind. If you're not ready to lose both, I say don't have a baby.
*And when I say you'll lose your body, I'm not saying it'll be ruined, but you'll devote your energy to that kid for a while.
Dear Anna , most women are good at pretending they are great mothers , wives ,have great children , but most of them are struggling at every aspect of their lives ,especially motherhood, and yes its sad that we lie to each other, that are mothers arnt painfully honest on how raising children can suck the life out of you,and even after all that i said as a mother of 2 and 3 year old at quiet moments i admitt they really are my great blessings,but that doesnt mean its easy,hope i helped
I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old I use to bartend at night but I am now a stay at home mom:( I HATE IT! I have no life and I am sick of cleaning and doing wash 24/7. I try to get out of the house but the kids get to me and I feel like pulling my hair out. I love my kids but I am just so unhappy with this person that I have become. I feel like its a repeat everyday. My husband works and is not a BIG help when hes home and on top of all of that I miss my husband I mean going out and doing things with him like we use to. I want to change my life for the better but I just don't know how?
I hear you….I hate myself for even thinking it but I just want to run away sometimes. I hate the person that the kids make me be when their demands send me over the top.
I hate being a mom as well. I feel like my child is one in a million and nobody would understand if I told them I wanted nothing more than to walk away from my life. I am married, have a 3 year old and I am a stay at home mom as well. 25 years old. Shoot me.
I love my girls ages 1 and 3 weeks, but if someone had told me a couple of years ago I would have these kids, I would have them they were nuts! I met a man, got married and had kids in no time flat. I am only 25 and being a stay at home mom is draining me. Worst of all, my husband just doesn't understand how I can feel this way. He treats me like I am a bad mom with problems because I don't jump for joy at every moment. He gets to leave and go to work! What I wouldn't give to have a paying job. Don't get me wrong, there are moments that are very rewarding, but I miss my me time and my time alone with my husband. He doesn't seem to care, which just makes me feel like I might be happier if we just went our seperate ways. Grr, this is beyond frustrating!
I feel the exact same way.Thanks!
I also feel the same way!!!! I used to feel like life had so much potential and now I just feel like I'm stuck in this house for the next 18 years!
I am so glad I am not alone!
IT SUCKS! You feel stuck once you do it. It is like owning a monkey (or two in my case) that you have to take care of at all times; both at home and in public.
How 'bout this- When your friends ask if they should have kids…the truth makes you sound horrible.
But, every time I have told the truth I always follow it with : "If I wasn't going thru this now, I would be in a few years because I would have thought children were missing from my life."
It sucks out loud to be a mom because you lose part of yourself, you lose your husband and your relationship changes, and the kids are so annoying and selfish. And, my kids are great! If I had brats, I can't even imagine.
I am sooooo tired of cleaning, re-cleaning, and then having everything trashed again. And, oh, wait, we did buy those toys so they could play with them, right….
And, making food to have then say, I don't like it or I don't want it. Oh, my god I want to say horrible things some days!
Nothing ever stays clean, food on the floor and all through the house.
Was a blast when I was still working with only one and felt productive in life, useful, important.
It is the most under-appreciated, under-thanked job there is. And, not sleeping. Then, we are supposed to look nice too. That's not as tough since when you stay at home you can at least go work out. But, oh my god. Who knew how it would really be. We fall in love with the cute toys, bedding, little socks, baby clothes – and our love with our husbands seem like extra huge bliss when you take the leap of having a baby. Actually creating a life. What the heck was I thinking?!!!!
I am so glad I am not alone!
Wow. Same here. Thanks for the honesty. I was crying and what you said made me laugh for a bit without feeling guilty!
I always knew I didn't want kids. I married a really nice but, totally irresponsibile man. He eventually convinced me to have a child. I wad a happy workaholic & very social. I've not left the house since I became pregnant in '06! My pregnancy was brutal. Delivery was even worse. 37 hours of labor before a C-section. Then they accidentally sliced my bladder, was in the hospital for a week & went home with a cathadar attached to my leg for two more weeks. I was post-partum. My son didn't sleep for more than 1 & 1/2 hours for the first 10 months before I finally figured out he was alergic to gluten. All the while my husband & mother in law blamed me for just doing things wrong, & gave NO support. "where's my hot fancy meal when I get home", my husband would ask. I have no living family of my own, & no friends left as depression & self isolation took over. After much therapy, counceling, research, & trying, my husband finally took a walk in March of this year. Thank god! My son is so much happier. His dad was completely absent & totally contrary. Not so nice to my son because he was busy being too jealous of the stolen time & energy not consumed by my child. I try. I really, really try. I'm not a terrible mom, & I love my child like no other. He's a really good boy, & I am so blessed. But I feel sorry that I am not so fun, have no personality anymore, because I have zero stimulation. I am unemployed, desperately moneyless, have NO help, & no opportunities to change anything. I just wish I didn't bring this sweet soul into this hurtfull world. My mom didn't want me, & she made sure I knew. I would never be so cruel. Our choices are our choices & I try to stay positive & work on my spiritual self for the sake of my son. I've had a most challenging life, & had a strong spirit which always pushed me forward with good sense. But since my son, I've lost my will & wish daily that I could just not wake up tomorrow. Which is also sad & impossible because I can't decide what would be worse. Raising my son with my broken spirit, or checking out & sparing him of myself. Lost, lonely, & hopeless…
Totally get it. I am in almost the same situation. So sick of the happy go lucky moms who think being a mom is the best life anyone could ever choose, and you are a monster if you think otherwise
i agree with you 100%
Wow, your story touched my heart. I'm also a mom of 2 boys. One is 3 and the other 18 months. It's soooo freakin hard. It's like everyday, all I do is dicipline, dicipline, dicipline. I clean, but for what? Everything just gets messed-up in a half hour. I do to church and I pray for patience and understanding. I try to put meaning to my life, but it's so hard to be positive. I HATE it when I go on facebook and read posts that say what a joy it is to be a mother and all that sh*t. I honestly think they feel the same way we do, but don't show it. It's not easy, it's not always a joy. I just hope it's all worth it at the end.
God bless you all!!!
I understand how you feel, being resentful and bored because you're a mum is the greatest taboo. When my husband goes to work, i'm envious as i know my day will be filled with the same tedium and demands as the day before. Whilst he gets recognition in the work-force and hanging out with his colleauges. I remember the days when i could just gaze into space uninterrupted, or read a book without making bribes with my child. I love my child but you are definitely not alone, it's just sad that people can only admit this stuff on a computer.
I know. Having a place to admit this is so therapeutic. you are not alone either.
Right there with ya Katthia, I too am a SAHM and am so looking forward to summer ending so my son who's 4 1/2 goes back to school. We can't afford day camp for him on one salary either. I also have a 20 month old daughter. Either I stay home all day day and listen to them fight or I force myself to go to the mall, spray park etc. I too dread doing all of it and sometimes feel guilty since it seems like the rest of the parents are having the times of their lives. I too hate having to apologize for my son's behavior to other parents, especially when they snub me. Also tired of the lame small talk with other mom's there, "how old is yours" blah blah, who gives a shit. I don't have any girlfriends here in FL either and I'm not the mommy group type, sounds like more work than pleasure..I'm the type who would rather hang out alone than w/someone I really don't enjoy. I just wish I had a social life once in a while that didn't involve children what so ever, like going out for drinks and good laughs/conversation. I just try to keep thinking that one day soon this will all be over and the kids will be doing their own thing and I'll just be bitching about my job or something…such as life, cheer up…
Thanks for posting your feelings. I feel the exact same way. How do you feel good when you are always having to tell someone 'No, don't!' It sucks in so many ways. Not having any alone time, not ever getting to relax. It's hard for me to because my son's father doesn't understand. He thinks I should be happy. He's your kid why do you need a break?
****, I just want to be an independent woman again, with my own space and time to reflect on things. It feel like you always have to react and you don't have time to breathe. It's annoying and life-sucking! I want my old life back!
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I started out being a SAHM with my first child (who is 3 1/2 now) & have never liked it. I got pregnant w/ 2nd child when baby was only 10mths old. I always wanted children & now that I have them can't believe this is the path I wanted so much to follow. I thought being a mom would be fun, boy was I wrong. My oldest is VERy needy also, can't play by himself, I always have to be giving him 100% of my attention. Thankfully my 2nd baby was total opposite of 1st born. 1st cried nonstop for 5 months. 2nd was very easy baby, slept well from day 1, only cried if he really needed something. He also will just find a toy & play alone while I'm entertaining his big brother. I see a psychiatrist & started taking anti-depressants about 8mths ago. It helps but I still hate being a mom. I get little or no time to myself & I can't remember the last time I went to the bathroom without an audience. I know I should feel blessed for having 2 healthy kids but I'm miserable. My life is not that horrible, there a millions worse off than me but that doesn't change the fact that I can't stand being a mom =(
When I read your line "I don't have the joy of being a mother, I feel like my life sucks" … that discribes me down to a T .. I am a mother of 3 & I used to love motherhood even thou I found it extremely exhausting at times, then when my 2nd child at the age of 2/3 became what I can only describe as the 'devil child' I discovered what depression meant! People often said it was because of jealousy of his little sister, but it wasn't, he loved & still does love her to bits. I am on a daily basis crying due to behaviour (Jeykll & Hyde)& toileting problems with him .. he's 7 tomorrow. My other 2 children are fine & have none of these issues, but I am so depressed & wish I could run away or end it all, often think of death (for me not the children, could never hurt them) … but they are here because of me so I have to stick with it. Been trying for medical help for 5 years now with no luck, I feel trapped & long to be back at work, were I was me, not slave … I am so jealous of hearing those all around me that love motherhood & have no problems as I wish I felt that way .. I used to. I feel my other children are suffering because of this …oh I wish I was a stronger person & could handle this, I used to be but have been so ground down with it all, I hate my daily life … I long for work to escape this daily hell, & my husband coming home to help me & then finally bedtime.
I understand and feel the same way I have two boys who are overly hyperactive never take naps and its just a drain on me to do any "normal" things as other moms do with their kids.
I know you think it sucks but find relief knowing that even the women who seem to have it all together, don't have it all together… and there is no kid alive that doesn't do what your kids are doing! :) so don't fret, this to soon shall pass and know that we ALL go through it… some of us just hide it better than others!! :)
I hear you! I never grew up dreaming of being a mom. When I got preg. on our hm, I was devistated, just not ready. I grew to be excited, during the pregnancy but now that she is here, I HATE being a mom, and I hate staying home. There are days I love it, but mostly I am just lonely and sick of the darn crying 24/7. She is so needy. She can't stand being separated from me for an instant. I can't even dress myself with out her crying. I hope this is just part of ppd and will go away someday, and I will enjoy mothering.
As of now, I can't imagine having anymore children. I can't wait till she is 6 months or so, then I can think seriously about going back to work.
i feel the same way. being a mom is a thankless, never-ending job no one appreciates.
All you moms are wonderful. You rise to the ocassion every day with little or no thanks, some with little or no support. I was married briefly about 24 years ago and my ex wanted children. We didn't talk about it much because, apart from work, his main enjoyment in life was coming home, eating good food that I prepared after working full-time myself, and watching TV. He "just decided" that he wanted kids. I don't know why. I was pretty sure I didn't and had already told him so, but, to be fair, I agreed to talk about it and vioce all concerns. I asked him frankly if I could count on him to equally share in the responsibility. He just laughed and said, "Sure, when they're quiet and clean." I said that this wasn't funny…it was a serious question that I needed answered. He just kept laughing, unable to be a man and have a real conversation about something that would affect the rest of our lives. We never did talk it out because he would not stop watching TV. So, that was one of the reasons I decided against it. I knew I would have zero support and would be like a maid to two people instead of just one.
I already pretty much knew that motherhood wasn't for me and I have never regretted the decision. It is thankless, demanding, exhausting, and any other mind-numbing adjective you can think of. I know because my sister has three children and no help. She has two deadbeat ex husbands who were children themselves and couldn't handle being a man or a father. Since all this happened, she has changed from the sister I once knew to a depressed, stressed, anxious, exhausted mess. I can plainly see that she loves her kids, but because they have abandonment issues, they are clingy, needy, whiney and don't give her a minute's peace. She can't talk on the phone for thirty seconds without a barrage of "Mom! MOM!! MOMMMMM!!" It makes ME crazy!
I don't know why I got going on all that, but I think you all are great moms. The reason I say that is because of what a couple of you mentioned. If you didn't care, none of this would matter. They could watch TV all evening, eat take-out food all the time, destroy the house, skip school, talk back, or maybe even burn the house down. It's because you care that you put such effort into their upbringing. This country – this planet – has enough morally bankrupt people. Thank you to all moms who care about your children. You will raise some fine citizens…you may not know that today or tomorrow, but the day will come. All your hard work will not be in vain.
Laura, Lynn and Katthia, as mom of two overwhelming teenagers, previously married to a complete man-child I LOVE your responses.. lol, THANK YOU, you've all validated me
I just cried when I read this because of how I feel I think I'm a bad mother but I would never leave them with their father and hes my husband and that right there lets me know I care a lot for them I just love every word that you wrote. THANK YOU
thank you for your words. I agree we are seeing us admit our true emotions and it is because we care. it bothers us that we hate this job being a mom. We care and wish it was not so. thank you
I also had tears appear, as well as a lump in my throat. IT IS THE TOUGHEST job I have ever endured. It is 24/7 and you can't quit. It was nice to hear what you said and that you understand what your sister is going through, as well as all of us.
I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old I use to bartend at night but I am now a stay at home mom:( I HATE IT! I have no life and I am sick of cleaning and doing wash 24/7. I try to get out of the house but the kids get to me and I feel like pulling my hair out. I love my kids but I am just so unhappy with this person that I have become. I feel like its a repeat everyday. My husband works and is not a BIG help when hes home and on top of all of that I miss my husband I mean going out and doing things with him like we use to. I want to change my life for the better but I just don't know how?
I agree with all of you. Being a mother just destroys who you once were. Your hopes and dreams, sanity, independence and freedom are gone the minute u give birth to that screaming wrinkled ball of flesh. You are no longer a happy beautiful energetic skinny and well rested woman…you become a faceless sleep deprived zombie who takes care of everyone else but themselves.
I agree women are expected to put everyone's needs above their own and it sucks. I have to continuously remind myself i have a brain, after spending the whole day listening to gibberish. And to make matters worse, we're made to feel guilty for feeling like this. Being a mother can be soul-destroying and at times a thankless job – we have the right to at least own our feelings. Our grandmothers didn't have the luxury of being able to vent on-line.
i am in the same boat. i have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter, but hate being a mom. i am also a single mother and have to work full time to make ends meet. i have no friends or social life and my only help comes from family. my daughters father is in jail and my daughter blames me for our divorce. she tells me everyday that she hates me. at times, i feel like i just cant take it anymore emotionally. i cry a lot and dream about what life would have been like for me had i not had a child.
how come in this society it feels so bad to be honest about feelings of not liking motherhood? I am a single mom of a 5 yr old boy. I hate being a mom. I hate being a working mom. I hate feeling trapped and like a noose is around my neck. I would never let my son know this and I feel I hide it well from him, but I too wonder what life would be like right now if I did not have him. I want to be free from resposibility and not live this life. But I do love him and feel obligated to care for him. I just think I should have never done this, especially alone. guess it is too late but that is what I wish for. dont let anyone make you feel bad about being you and being honest. With honesty , you can only have growth and with growth answers can be found. I beleive it will get better for us. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, being a parent. I hate it but willing to stick with it.It is ok to hate something. Crying is therapeutic and dreaming is good too. I would never do anything rash but God it feels good to vent. I have been looking for support groups in my area. They are hard to find. Good luck and keep your chin up.single moms are the unsung heros of today!
Good single moms are the unsung heroes of today…whiney hateful ones are not. Get your facts straight.
Lisa, you shouldn't bring negativity into a forum where people who feel overwhelmed are just being honest. Sometimes people get a little extreme when they vent. It helps them heal. Don't be so quick to judge.
Whiney and hateful? There is a reason for this…they are tired, depressed, and hopeless. Why such harsh judgement? Where's the empathy?
You "mothers" are the reason someone invented adoption.
Think about it. You self centered wenches.
How do you have the right to comment when you have never had a child?? Grow up.
if they are such self centered wiches, what are you doing researching the unhappy mom site then???
Get off the forum! This made for us to express ourselves, not to be criticized by bitter people like you!
I would bet any amount of money that you are a bitter, barren women who desperately wants children and can't have them. If you WERE a mother you would agree with us, or at the very understand where we are coming from. Get a life, get a man, go have a kid (or adopt, since you seem to be a big fan of adoption) and we'll see you back here after the kid is born commiserating with us. None of us ever said we hated/didn't love our children, but it is incredibly overwhelming at times, and the feeling of being overwhelmed can get the best of us every once in a while. I love my kids to death and could never leave/abandon them, but lord knows I would love nothing more than a vacation to myself (although i'd be calling my children every five minutes while on vacation to make sure they are ok…).
Did you really, after all that you've said here, taunt another woman to "have a kid" just to prove your point? You would really have someone else bring another unwanted child into the world just to win an argument?
And frankly, don't paint those of us who cannot have children as "bitter and barren." No, my ovaries don't work – and I didn't care. I didn't want kids, and I'm sympathetic to those who did and are doing a good job. As for me, I'd rather work to make this a better world for other people's children.
Grow up yourself, and don't respond to vitriol with such cruelty likewise.
Why the hell are you on this page then? Don't you have better things to do Ms. Self-Righteous? Get a grip. If you think you have no weakness in your life… you are delusional.
To those who are criticizing all of us who are using this forum as a positive outlet for our frustration, what is your problem?? Don't you get that we are doing the best possible thing for our children by venting here & sharing stories w/ others that are going through similar things? This site basically amounts to an online support group. Would you prefer we keep it all bottled up inside since it's taboo to speak of such things even to our closest friends/family? You might suggest speaking w/ a professional–I do that already. It's not enough to just talk about it to someone that has never experienced what I'm going through. If it is the well-being of our children that you are most concerned about, you are not doing them any favors by taking away one of the very few places we can speak openly & freely about how we truly feel. Venting here & reading others' experiences helps me not to feel so alone. That in turn makes it easier for me to get out of bed & face each new day & all the challenges I know it holds.
Wow!!! I knew that having children was challenging and that it changed your life, but I never knew people hated it. I'm 22 and I have no children and I read your responses because I wasn't sure if I even wanted any in the future. I have seen some people have children and absolutely enjoy being parents, while others that I had seen wished that they could get their lives back. I guess my biggest question is do some of you who don't enjoy your children dislike them because they weren't planned and it may have been fine at a different point at your life? That is what I hear most people saying around me. They are moms because they have to be. I'm just curious is all. And I know all of you all will end up creating wonderful individuals that will contribute to society.
Thank you for your post. I had reservations about having a child, so i had a career and then at age 40 had a child. I had romantic dreams about being a mom and my mom told me how great it was for her. so i thought it was what i wanted. boy was i wrong. But I never thought i would feel this way. I thought there is nothing i do on the weekends and nights that I cant have a child with me and enjoy. I knew i wasnt the baby type but thought it would be alot more enjoyable that it is. my son was planned but being a single mom was not planned!
I think having a child whether planned or not is the same. It's going to be hard whether you wanted to have children or not. I didn't plan my pregnancies, but I love my kids, and I have sacraficed my life for them. All of these mothers have sacraficed their lives for their children. No one knows what it feels like to give-up their life, until they do it. Really do it. We are doing it, and excuse us if we need to vent a little bit. Damn.
dont. i wish i didnt. i'm going to tell you what most people wont, that having and taking care of a child is the hardest thing and most unrewarding thing you will ever do. you can forget having a meaningful career because even if you make good money, you (not your husband) will be expected to drop it once the baby comes along. you may continue to work but forget promotions and moving up. you will have zero free time. going to the movies, dinner (i'm not counting fast food), theater, art shows, etc. will become a thing of the past. you will have no time to care about your appearance/take care of yourself. you will learn, somehow, how to function on 4 hours of sleep or less at a time. you will do it all with a smile on your face for all the other moms as you sit around at play dates talking endlessly about the most boring things…feedings, naps, toys, dr visits, strollers, how to comfort and crying baby etc. if you go back to work you will be called selfish. if you do not go back to work you will be placated and ignored by most everyone besides other sahms. people will say "isn't that nice" and then continue to ignore you. you will start to feel like a shell of a person, not much of a person as much as a husk of what was. doing a load of laundry will be your day's accomplishment. you will have to answer endlessly to child-free people and your husband "what do you do all day" and "must be nice to stay at home". unless you become a fitness nut, your body will never be the same again. and yes, my child was planned.
Being a mother is like riding on a roller coaster. It is exciting and fun at many points. But it can also be scary and intimidating. It is the HARDEST job that a woman will ever do and is not to be taken lightly. To be a good mom you must sacrifice things you never dreamed of. No one can truly explain how challenging and rewarding motherhood can be to another person. Furthermore, no child is exactly like any other–making it even more difficult when you are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or lonely and in need of advice. To summarize, I love my children and am grateful I had them. Still, I am only human and wish I could have a bit more time and appreciation for the sacrifices I have made. If only my husband understood that…
I can relate to alot of these women here, When I was younger, I had a full scholarship to an art school, I was ready to get into the military and be more than what society wanted for me . Until I met -him- I never dated and thought having kids was just out of the question, I liked my life the way it was, my identity was…my own, until I started dating my soon to be husband.
I found out I was pregnant and all my dreams seemed to shatter away and went down the drain because he wanted to keep it.
I was no longer my own person but attached to a ball and chained… to this responsibility that I was unsure about, not only was I unsure about my capabilities but unsure if I can be that selfless to raise another adult into society.
I have been through so much in my life everywhere from being raped, to losing my brother who was a victim of gang violence just because he was at the wrong place and the wrong time walking to go get his pregnant fiance an ice cream…., I just feel like a break is out of the question, in my husband's eyes…I am having fun being at home. And that I get time to myself…….I can't even write a simple graph without " MOM I need a towel" get it yourself
Like many here, I get no help with raising these kids, I have a 4 year old who likes to whine about everything, even share my bed with me, and then I have a Nine year old who is a special needs. Being tired is a natural response when it comes to parenthood , in fact I am just down right languored .
I scream and yell at my kids, I spank and take away their x-box 360's and their t.v's I curse and growl when they ask me for a napkin when they can get it themselves, especially the husband who feels entitled to being served yet has no respect for the hard labor an at home mother is implied to. But guess what, i'm human, I feel, like a lot of these other mothers do, does it mean we hate our kids? No we're just tired of men not being there to help and raise these kids with us yet they are found having a drink at the bar or playing WoW.
I still wear pants that I had seven years ago, but my husband who complains about money when I tell him I need to go grocery shopping, can still go buy himself Xbox Games guilt free.
My deliveries with my children was hard on me and my body, and I even had to have my tubes tied because of the risk of dying, im so thankful for my tubes being tied! When someone I know tells me that they are pregnant my first response is " i'm sorry" I'll tell all of you what kind of support I have at home , After I went through an emergency c section due to unstable heart beats in my youngest I went into shock and had to be placed on oxygen, i never felt so bad in my life, just mutilated, my beautiful body……ruined by a child and the hands of Dr.s. My boobs leaking everywhere, my abdomen sliced, and not to mention i was now on post period, with an oxygen tank stuck at my side. Against Dr.s orders after my husband said he would be there for me if i went home, the Dr had released me, I hate men and their stupid child like inabilities to fathom what this pain is like, or have a remote sense of compassion or appreciation for the strife we go through, I went home, climbed two flights of stairs, and finally when i had been able to sit in bed, guess where he went?????
To the bar.
That's right. To the bar, and left me home with my special needs child and a new born right after a c section..
I would like to see someone tell me that I as a mother do not have a right to hate what i'm doing, the responsibility and toll that this has taken on me or tell me that I do not have a right to be tired.
I dare you.
Men , they need to pull away from this mommy syndrome that they have, in today's genre, I see more and more men who are in this mommy complex needy impulses to find a mother to marry, not a wife then I even remember when I was a child.
I don't do drugs, won't drink, the money I do scrap up for change or what cheapo gives me goes straight to my daughters. Just because I have regrets doesn't make me a bad mother.
I'm not perfect, nobody is.
For all of these – i can't even say people because honestly they don't act civil enough to be called such- that put this poor hard working mother down for being tired a kind of tired that only a mother can suffer or single parent could feel, you should really take a good look in the mirror before you cast stones at her, we are all allowed to feel remorse for the lives we lost because of child rearing.
Half of these people who called this woman a whore, **** what ever probably have some inner deep anger or regret or even a dark entombed secret that they are ashamed of, but the difference between this woman's admit is that she had the guals to be honest and not tweak in suppression.
Most of these people cussing and being repugnant could not handle being an at home mother with absolutely no support from anyone, wake up take care of a special needs child and a 4 year old with whiney complex syndrome of always being right, and dealing with emotional abuse from our significant others daily.
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God bless you! I have a four yr old daughter, that is four going on twenty four at times, and a three yr old son on the autistic spectrum. Just tonight, i asked him to give me the cough medicine and tylenol for my daughter from the fridge (she's getting a cold) and a cup of juice, he yelled at me and told me i ask for "too ******* much, I work you sit on your ass with the kids all day, you get up and do it". The best is that when i voice my frustrations he tells me if i didnt want the responsibility of kids i shouldn't have made them, um excuse me?? this coming from the man that can't walk into the kitchen to get his daughter her medicines and some juice to drink, which i ended up doing myself while carrying my daughter and having my cranky three yr old attached to my leg…
A neglectful husband is an abusive husband. I can't believe that a judge can't order a husband to step up and participate when judges can order ex-husbands to step up and pay. It's definitely not fair, how he treats you.
There are many nice guys out there, but a lot of them are shy and alone, and don't think women want them. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't know what you should do. It seems like your selfish husband doesn't do you any good, though.
What if you called that doctor and told him what your husband did? Aren't doctors supposed to help abused women?
Oh please. Go read "I hate being his wife" she is a stay at home mom of a special needs kid. She loves it.
So not everyone in your shoes has your crappy outlook on life.
I am sorry but NONE of you who whine about how you got pregnant and didn't want the baby..but had it for your man..NOT one single one of you deserve a break. You should have had an abortion or given the baby up for adoption. Oh you just couldn't bear with either of those options? Whine whine whine.
Your children didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask for hateful nasty mothers who spank and scream at them, who didn't want them.
You think you are so wonderful and holier than thou because you kept your kids? And now you hate them and your life? COP OUT and you get no props.
Seriously, you ARE the reason adoption and abortion was created. If you are against abortion for religious reasons..I wonder what your god would think about the sins you are confessing on this thread? Oh wait..he doesn't give a crap.
Seriously, go back to your trailer parks…keep your legs closed and stop pumping out kids, some of you are like friggin baby factories.
How dare u judge anyone typing on here just to get there thoughts out and VENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You rather we are kill ourselves and leave our kids with noone…….
How immature you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey crazy, no one said anything about killing yourselves. Clearly you need to learn to read.
Venting is one thing. Being self centered and unable to be a good parent is another.
PS You should learn how to spell. THEIR not there. No one not noone.
Grow up. I have a Master's from Cambridge University and have lived in five countries throughout my 20s. I speak four languages fluently (English, Mandarin Chinese, Spanish and Portuguese) and am about to go to law school to specialize in International Refugee Law. I'm 31 and I too have decided not to have children because I love them too much to know that I would never want to give up everything to attend to them. BUT, let me tell you Lisa, as a person with an advanced degree from an ivy league university who has been around the world, you're the only person who sounds ignorant here. You should never impose your limited, narrow-minded worldview on ANYONE without understanding where they come from first. Some people enjoy motherhood, some people don't, period. What type of hateful, ignorant, intolerant society do you plan to help create when you judge women for their honesty? Grow up honey. You're the one who needs an education and the ability to see beyond your own limited reality. You sound hurt, childish and fraught with personal issues when you have not a shred of compassion for a plight that is very real not just here in America but around the world.
Oh please save it. You have no grounds to even post here being that you are NOT A MOTHER. At least I am. At least you were smart enough to know you would be a crappy parent and didn't get yourself knocked up for a man or because you didn't know how to use birth control.
thank you Tina, for the powerful to the point and right on post. I admire your convictions. wish i knew what i was giving up for motherhood before i became a mom. you are smart and a visionary. thank you for your words.
If you are such a good mom, why are you wasting your time spreading your evil opinions? Nice role model.
Go take care of you kids you angry excuse for a human!
Lisa, the only person I can hear whining is YOU.
I agree everyone has the right to vent, being a parent is lonely enough without denying our true feelings. And if expression helps keep us sane from the endless demands and loss of freedom – then we have that right.
I agree 100%. Go girl
I don't take my aggresion out on my children. I think it is so funny how someone who has never had a child can even have the nerve to comment. Both of my girls were planned. It doesn't mean I planned on post partum depression, a husband who said he would be 50-50 but isn't, or a baby with colic. These things just happen. I am completely pro-choice, but that wasn't a choice for me. How dare you put people down when you have not walked a mile in their shoes. Oh, and I live in a nice home, come from a two parent home, and have a college education. What about you?
If you have a college education how did you miss the numerous times I said I am a MOTHER!?
Seriously Lisa, what IS your problem? You sound like the angriest, nastiest, most intolerant person imaginable. Not great qualities in a mother. The reason Alicia thought you were childless is because there are two women called Lisa posting on this site – one is nice and has never been a mother, and the other is you.
you wrote that you didn't have any children in your second post.
And you clearly cannot grasp that there could be more than one Lisa in this world or on this forum.
I feel sorry for your kid(s). I bet they will later wished you aborted them for having a piece of crap for a mother.
NOT, because I take very good care of my son. He has special needs and I enjoy every second I spend with him. I almost lost him five times. I cherish him and he knows it. SURE being a mom is hard, frustrating, sometimes the same thing day in and day out, you almost lose your mind, but I don't wish my son was not born!
I guess it's too far of a grasp that like you ladies venting about your angst, so you don't take it out on your kids…is exactly what I am doing too.
Just because I am harsh and not hand holding you all through this and I am calling out one certain group of people posting here, doesn't make me a bad or angry person. It just means I don't agree with people saying they wished their children were never born.
Try thinking about the mom's who have almost lost their children and you will (hopefully) understand why this statement would bother us.
I have NO, zip, nada, and not one speck of issue with the rest of you.
I wish you would take off your blinders and really read my posts!
I feel very sorry for you, it is people like you that makes this society so closed minded and suppressed making antidepressants more popular .
I have a right…., like anyone else here to write out my feelings and openly express myself, apparently you are the only person who is offended.
Quote:: Seriously, go back to your trailer parks…keep your legs closed and stop pumping out kids, some of you are like friggin baby factories.
wow…btw, i live in a very well established and gated community, and keep my legs closed? Are you serious? I have been with the same man and have been married to the same man ( the father of both my children )for over ten years, and you want to call some of us *****? Are you that ignorant sweety?
Quote:::.I wonder what your god would think about the sins you are confessing on this thread? Oh wait..he doesn't give a crap.
Again with your assumptions , i'm an
Quote:::Your children didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask for hateful nasty mothers who spank and scream at them, who didn't want them.
excuse me?
I spank my kids in reason, how dare you tell me how to raise my kids when in fact you do not have any yourself? When my kids act out in the middle of the store, I will not allow others to tolerate my kids misbehavior. I give my kids everything!
I think you need to grow up and become a little more mature ( esp for your age) before joining an adult group such as this, your ignorance is unbecoming
Do not put down these ladies for having the hardest job there is, im sure if you asked your mother how she had felt about you , when you were a child, you may be very shocked by her answer.
If you are so -godly- sweety, :
Matt. 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."
Matt 7:2-5 "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged
Look at John 7:24. There, Jesus tells us to judge, but to do so righteously. Righteously means to use the Truth of the Word to discern sins and not by appearances only
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Don't bother with Lisa. For all we know "Lisa" could be a fat piece of crap 45 year old man who plays world of warcraft all day (and tormenting mothers online). Lisa is just an internet troll looking to yank peoples' chains.
And yet I'm not. Plus I didn't say all of those quoted messages.
I am going to say sorry for the trailer park and legs closed comment. I had a very stressful day with my child, he had to be rushed to the hospital. Anyways, he is ok now and home.
I wish you would all get that I have NO angst with YOU, or almost all of you! ONLY the mom's who wish their kids were never born…and say extremely nasty hurtful things about their children. It's MY right to express my opinion, just as it is yours.
I dont understand why so many of you are pissed off at me, when you are not even the mothers I was calling out.
Do you have a guilty heart over something? Or what?
I see how this is…your kid pisses you off so you come on here to bash us to relieve yourself,
Makes perfect sense! Do you feel better now?
And yes those quotes are from you!!!..
maybe instead of coming off in such a manner, you really should be a little nicer.
If you are such a great mother then why on earth are you on a thread titled "I hate being a mom" ?
Guess you're not so perfect, are you? Oh wait let me guess, you just happened to stumble across this while you were searching for the world's greatest mom site?
Yea, right…
I am convinced that you, Lisa, are a man. Furthermore, I do not believe for one moment that you are the kind of man that actually takes care of children. Anyone who is a caregiver knows how taxing it is financially and emotionally. You however do not seem to grasp any of this. For some reason you have no compassion for mothers who feel exhausted and overwhelmed. It is human to need a break and to vent once in a while. Just because we chose to vent periodically does not make us terrible mothers–it just makes us people.
I have felt this way for quit some while, and was always too embarrassed to admit it. I HATE being a stay at home mom. I am a single mom on top of that. I have a two and a half year old, and a one and a half year old twins!!! Caring for them totally consumes me, I have NO time for myself, even to think. I can't afford daycare right now, their dad was abusive and is a jerk. All they do is scream, cry, fight and demand pretty much all of my time. I have sooo much resentment, that their father gets to go on with his life like he doesn't even have kids, he never gives me a break, and only pays child support. I am super stressed, and sometimes I wish I had never met him and had his kids. I fel guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. I so hope this will get a little easier.
I know exactly how you feel! My 2 yearold is clean, fed, lots of toys, and entertained…but even after it all I feel like a prisoner:( I feel so guilty for bringing her into this world. She was literally born a day before the economy/stock market went to sh*t. The stress trying to keep us all fed and a roof over are head on top of her being the biggest ball of energy…I can barely take it most days…I majored in psychology in college and I know I am not giving her the most ideal environment but I just don't have the patience…if I didn't have TV for her I would have lost my mind completely…thank you disney channel!
OMG, I needed this too!!!You are all wonderful people. Thank you for the validation also. The ones that are negative, I just delete in the first sentence. It is so good to admit something and try and aleviate the guilt alittle and know we are good people admitting personal struggles. It is not easy for everyone. I never knew it would be this hard nor demanding to be a Mom. Also I never knew how much I would not enjoy it. Yes I can not stand playing playdough, superheros, coloring, playing board games without direction! Yes I do it and limit it but inside not happy. Thank you for for the positive comments and feeling that I am not alone feeling this stress too. I have hopes and dreams it will get better with time. Right now my son is 5 and needs more than he probably will in the future. I think I am more designed to take care of older kids. Im sure thoses of you with tenens are saying not really, but that is my dream!! LOL
Thank you all so much for your honest posts. I think the biggest problem for mothers is that socially it is NOT ok to admit that sometimes we hate the job! Anyone seen Sex & the City 2 here? There's even a reference to it.
Just look at some of the negative responses here. Any other job is just fine to bitch about but if you say anything bad about being a mother, the hardest job there is, all of a sudden you are a horrible person.
Having to hold it in and feeling that we are alone in feeling this way just makes it all even harder. Just reading what you guys have said here I immediately felt better. Just knowing that I'm not alone when I'm struggling to get through my day.
Thanks guys!
I am so glad that my feelings are being validated here.
I was an intelligent, social, humorous and fun individual before I became a mom.
How do I go from making films and travelling to cooking, cleaning and appeasing my son's every whim?
It feels like a stab at my right to be an individual.
It also feels like we are put in a position to make everyone else happy but ourselves. It's never easy for a mother to say no to anyone, so we sacrifice everything about ourselves to protect our family.
I am so ******* resentful! How do we balance ourselves? How do we get past what we need to do to keep ourselves and everyone else happy? Is it possible or are we reserved to a life of servitude?
Men will never understand. How do we not resent them for putting us in this position? They always make promises about a romantic future, but when the reality hits it's us who comes through in the end, putting forth more and more energy.
I hate being a woman sometimes. We almost always lose ourselves in every relationship we encounter. We always come in last. Just think of all the women who eat their meals cold so that everyone at the table can enjoy their meals hot.
I hate this. I want to scream when men sit on their asses because they think they've worked so hard all day, so they get to relax. There's no respect in this.
I suppose balance is the key, but who can figure this out?
I'm not sure it's in the cards for women, especially women who don't subscribe to wanting to stay at home with their kids. Women who know that they have a purpose other than procreating!!
We ARE individuals and we DESERVE to be respected for this.
I think the issue here is that we need more support,either from a social network, friends or family,or hit our husbands over the head with a frying pan :) until they get some sense knocked into them!!!
what i find surprising on this forum is that, everyone of us is just plain tired, no matter how different our experiences are.
if these other women who are so disgusted with us, maybe they can actually give us some hints? Or maybe some ideas since they are better than us …
why wont they be a little more constructive with their time here and help us ^.^
I stand corrected, Lisa. Sounds like the reason you are so angry is because you had a mother who didn't want you and you know it. She may not have voiced it, but it was very apparent in the way she didn't hug you as long as you would have liked, or didn't enjoy doing things with you. Sounds to me like you are the one with the issues and the rest of us are finding healthy ways to get out some of these negative thoughts. Have you ever said something, and then after you have said it realized that the words have little meaning once they went past your lips?? You seem to be far too worried about other people when maybe you should focus on your own issues!
I think the fact that every child is different, no one can predict what motherhood will be like. Sometimes it doesn't go they way you plan. Planning to have a family is one thing, having a husband who 'says' he wants to be involved, being told be others how rewarding and fun it is, and so on and so on can't prepare you for the real thing as I found out. I love my baby boy and love to see him smile, but I wasn't prepared to miss my life as much as I do. I thought the love for my son would be a happy replacement, but it isn't. I don't think there is a mother here that doesn't love their child or wouldn't do anything to protect their child, but that doesn't mean that they have to be happy 24/7. Nobody is, it's that simple. Lisa, you seem to think the other mothers are not fit to be mothers, maybe there are not, maybe there are, but we do not know them do we? If you have things going well for you, that's great (and I envy you), then maybe you can share your ideas and thoughts on how to be happier better mother?
Wow, the honesty here is so painful and real.
And this Lisa person, what a hateful nasty bitch. She has so much pent up rage and chooses to spew her bile at the moms here who are just trying to get support!
Mothering is the hardest job ANY human can undertake. Now add to that various issues — like lack of enough money, unsupportive husband or family, special needs child, illness, etc.
It's enough to make any sane person totally lose it.
Unfortunately all we have is the internet, becaue society WILL judge you for not loving loving loving every moment of motherhood.
It has nothing to do with loving or not loving your kids. You can love the kids, but hate the stress, love the hugs and kisses but hate the fact that your dream are shoved aside for someone else's needs, love the cute face and funny comments but hate the fact that your body hurts, you ache for sleep, you crave intellectual stimulation and you miss being in charge of your time.
Despite the promises many men make to 'share the load', most women still pick up the brunt of childcare. We are still seen as the primary caretakers. How many times has someone asked YOU when you get that rare day to yourself, "Got the hubby to babysit, huh?"
I feel for everyone here. I had a terrible time of it when mine were small and I did a brief stint at home. Suddenly all the inequities were glaringly obvious. My then husband's job was seen as 'more important' than mine, even though I made the same income. I was judged for going back to work, even though he was lauded for working extra long hours so we could save up for a house. I was chastized for going on a childfree weekend with some girlfriends, even though my then husband had 'hunting weekends' with the boys numerous times.
It never ends, ladies.
So keep talking. Keep sharing. Keep posting.
And Lisa…shove it.
I hear you Kayla. Thanks for your post. It is hard to write the first one then every one after this seems so easy!! I agree child care always defaults to the women!!! what the Hell!! and yes, my family gives me greif when I go away for the weekend or even a night out to dinner. My X has been gone since my son was 2 yo, now 5, no one gives him grief for being gone 3 years!! Yes society is not ready to hear this and it is enough to drive a sane person crazy!! When I say it is so stressful, no one seems to understand. keep talking my friends.
As I said before, I truly believe Lisa had/has a mother who didn't love her the way she wanted so she is resentfulof all of us who have the nerve to express it in a healthy way.
Actually I had a wonderful mother, she hugged me every day..too much in fact. She told me she loved me all the time. If she was frustrated or felt like you ladies do, she never showed it.
I can't ask her if this was how she really felt deep down inside, she's dead. And no she didn't leave me with issues from dying, she died when I was an adult and though I miss her. I don't have any pent up anything involving her.
Are you mentally handicapped or something? Or did you just never learn to read?
I was NOT posting about or TO the mom's who are frustrated with the stress and the job of being a mom. I even said it's hard, I am a mom, I know what almost 98% of you are saying. LEARN TO READ PEOPLE.
Every single one of you who is pissed off at me, has NO reason to be….why? Because I was NOT talking to YOU!
I said a FEW times I was talking to the mom's who claimed they wished their kids had never been born, said they hated them and so on.
If this isn't you, shut up!
Dear Lisa – whoever you are
with each post you put up, and each vindictive attack on here, you simply confirm how ignorant, angry and pointless your view of the world really is, and how little you support other women.
Stop shouting at everyone. It's a waste of time. Go and sort your life out. You have issues to deal with and hating the world ain't solving any of them.
Just go away!
Lady I feel sorry for you, to come on a website purposely intended for support and judge others. There must be something serious lacking in your life to be able to judge others. You are sending your miserable comments and judgements into the world and it will come back to you. Go someplace else!! No one wants you here!
As much as you might not like her replies, she has every right to be here as you do.
I have to agree with her when she said you ladies are just pissed off because she isn't kissing your a$$ like every other woman on here.
PS Just because we are women, doesn't mean we have to support each other! Such a bunch of BS.
No kidding, we DON'T have to support each other, but this is a website where women are supposed to feel comforted by speaking about their issues. That's one of the first steps in finding help. Just like "Lisa" I am just as entitled to stating my opinion, so find someone else to complain about lady. And at least I am not calling out everyone on this board, just one. So it would be nice if you were busy being supportive and putting some good into the world. Speaking is therapeutic, and it helps, god bless all of these moms. I know it will get easier ladies, do your best and show your babies love, everything else can be resolved.
LEARN TO READ, Lisa! We don't like your attitude. You are PMS personified.
First of all, I want to give it to Josephine, Traci, Mermaid, Jennifer, D, Vicki, IDK, and the rest of the BEAUTIFUL, HARD_WORKING & AWESOME mothers on this tread. It takes alot of guts to come out and admit these feelings we are all having. It's certainly not a easy topic to talk openly about to anybody around your immediate circle of friends and family. They will probably suggest us to go see a psychiatrist or something..maybe they are right or wrong? But I do know one thing..all of us mothers love our children rotten and would never let anything or anyone harm our children. We put our children and family first than ourselves, we make sure the house is spotless and clean, we make sure everyone is fed before we eat, we make sure our kids arrive on time for school, we make sure they see the doctor when they are ill, we make sure their laundry is done before our clothes are clean, we make sure their homework is done before we can have time for ourselves, we make sure our children are bathed before we have time to shower, I can go on and on and on….. We are not selfish, we put our children and kids first than anything. It is the hardest job on earth! Believe that! It doesn't always mean we are all going to love it! Every mother, child/children is different, every scenario is different. Haters cannot judge us for what we are saying on this thread. We need support, we do not need cyber bullies putting us down. As I read your stories and comments mothers….I get teary eyed and believe me, if I was in front of you….I would give you all a big hug and kiss and tell you what a great mother you really are because I KNOW WHAT EACH OF YOU GO THROUGH!!! I know there are some mothers out there who have it easy (calm kids, nannies, husband's support, cleaning ladies at their house, grandparents support) but the rest of us who have hyper-active, ADHD, colic, no support from husband, no support from grandparents, no nannies, no cleaning ladies…basically the one's who live in the real world…..I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH!
luckly, things have been going better for me, there were days where my husband would come home and he would find me crying on the sofa at nite……my son has gone back to school and is enrolled in travel ball. Which gives me some time to give more attention to my daughter. She has been getting alittle bit better whereas before she was always fuzzy and crying non-stop. She is starting to count her numbers, starting to pronounce more words, and watch educational channels. Seems like she is starting to be just a tad wee bit independent :)
And finally, to this LISA person….how dare you attack us hard-working mothers the way you did. Especially talking down to woman to have severe conditions as depression and need to take medication for this….that was so "out of order" of you. This thread is obviously NOT for you, why are you here?? Take your hater azz of this site and go to a different site where you can drink all the HATER-AID all you want! And for the record, we are NOT trailer trash kitty kat, did it every occur to you that most of the mothers on here can afford to stay at home and take care of their own children. It means their families make enough money to stay-at-home dear. You don't know jack about me, I live in a upscale gated community and have my degree…thank you very much!
I have been reading your thread because I am going through my hating being a mother stage, I find it comes and goes. I also find myself getting angry with my child, never touched them but im always crying, shouting and just basically trying to stay out my daughters way. :( One of you mentioned how you can afford to stay at home because you are not bad off, I wish I could say the same, I don't work, Im a single mum, I do go to college and I am trying to make something of myself but my anger and resentment buts this on the back burner. My mum is always saying how she enjoyed being a mum and how my maternal instincts are not there, she is always putting me down. I wake up each day and say ill try harder to be calm, but I think this make me worse because when i shout Im counting how many times I make mistakes which is driving me crazy. Any tips on staying more patient and not shouting as much??
BTW, Kayla…you hit the nail on the head! Your post was spot on (exactly right)!!!
I will start by saying I am glad I found this board and am not alone. I have a 1 1/2 month old daughter. I will NOT be having any more, Im getting my tubes tied…my appointment is already set up.
I am 32 and have never been a baby or kid person. I do start liking them more however from 5 onwards but even then not so much. The reason I decided to have a child is mainly because my husband talked me into it but also because it took a divorce (my ex before my husband now) to realize that men can leave you at any time but your child will grow up and be with you; take care of you. No guarantee on this of course…but I think that's the reason a lot of mothers decide to have more than one child…especially those that hate motherhood. No one wants to be alone when they are old.
Right now…at this very moment…5AM
I'm in bed hoping against all hope-all odds…that I don't hear a cry. A cry wanting a diaper change. A toothless squeal of hunger. A scream of just plain boredom.
For my old life back. How long ago was I carefree? It seems like years. People say how wonderful being a "mommy" is. It IS? Am I missing something? I guess I didn't get the same baby handbook they did. My bad. Other "mommies" say just how quickly kids grow up. I guess in my world, time stands still.
I loved my old life, I did. I truly enjoyed just running little errands, not worrying about what time it was. Going on roadtrips or just hopping on a plane and going. I feel like now I could again take that train to nowhere or anywhere…somewhere other than here. Wave to the cars outside waiting on my train to pass. Glad I'm not the one doing the waiting. But I'm on the other side of that crossing now. And there's no turning back.
As I walk through the valley of swings (and other various baby gear-my living room) I pause and look through a film of tears. It's become my prison. And it's a life sentence…no parole. No merits for good
I do however try to grasp my future. My parents and sister have been such a help. They watch her and have more patience than I. My husband….well….that's another story we shall save for another day. Men don't get it. They somehow have it wired in them that every womans purpose is to be a "mommy" and should cheerfully conform to this. I'll refrain from writing further because this board already knows.
I'm sure my daugther will grow up to be someone I'm proud of. Someone who will be my friend on those cold winter nights with no end. I will be going back to work soon and things may get easier? But…
But….as it stands…
Time stands still.
Hi Katie
I feel your pain and vent! Going back to work is a two way street. It is great to go back and be with adults and have a life again but then coming home you are more exhausted and more damands are on you. Hang in there girl. I have never regretted gpoing back to work. It has saved me!!I agree one child was too much for me so one is all I will be having. I feel so validated by all the great honest women on this site. Thank you all. I never thought I would hate this life. After reading this page, I now know I do not hate being a Mom to my little boy, I just hate the heavy, constant, lifeless responsibility that hangs on to you and sucks the life out of you. Someon wrote, who would feel good about themselves, when you had a great carefree wonderful life before having children and then having to say no, dont do this, dont do that, clean up this, brush your teeth, dont hit the cat, pick up the cereal off the floor, mommie is not your slave, ALL the TIME!!!Who the Hell would like me either!!I cant wait until my son goes to sleep at night, if he goes to sleep!! if it is past 930 pm, I start yelling, youve got to go to bed! you will wake up cranky!! NOW!!get into bed!! who is the cranky bitch always!! So yes, I dramatically miss my life the way it was. Maybe these moms that think it is so great are either delusional, brain washed or never had a good life before kids?? I agree when people say they grow up so fast….What?? who says that?? not fast enough. My son is 5 and I have him pushed for responsibilites, help me take out the garbage, clean up yourself, get dressed yourself, you know where it is, you get it….so he will grow up faster. I keep looking at my friends kids and say, when could you leave them in the house alone, how old is this one, he looks self sufficent, ok so when he is 10 he can be more independent, so 5 more years to wait, Sh@#! I do feel aweful about my feelings but this site and addressing it in my heart has helped me accept it more and make provisions, like getting babysitters more. I am not and never will be one of those "model moms". or self sacrifing like my Mom! but where does that get you anyway? I will never have empty nest syndrome!! thank God for that. My son will grow up fine and I can have a semi life in the mean time. It is ok. He will adjust. I feel he needs to adjust to me not me to him. I can objectify the reason I hate being a Mom. I love my son and tell him that every day and kiss and hug him I just hate giving up my life the way it was and I had no idea I would feel that way!! Sucks.
Please keep writing everyone.
Ok this is a GREAT post. I am happy to see there is some good coming out of all this.
I can understand now why my mom would cry from exhaustion! Growing up my mom mangaged to keep my sister and I fed, bathed,clothed, all the while keeping an immaculate house. My dad didn't do anything really to help out other than washing the dishes on a Saturday here and there. If she were alive today I would hug her neck and tell her thank you a gabillion times. I am not near the housekeeper she was but then again she was always yelling at us & cussing & drinking at night. I am the sahm to two wonderful boys who I thank God for and am thankful they are healthy. I have a wonderful husband but he is gone ALOT. He is a firefighter & works 24hour shifts & then works a part-time job inbetween. I get so worn out of having to figure out what to have for dinner! And everytime I get the laundry done it is time to do it again. I can't wait to go to bed at night. I know it won't always be like this but it is just so freakin' hard. I love my family more than anything. I am just tired. Kids take,take,and take (that is just what kids do) I just need to find a way, somehow, give back to myself. It is refreshing to know I am not the only one feeling like I do. WE ARE GOOD MOMS THAT LOVE OUR FAMILY. My mom never had anyone to lean on and it litterally drove her into deep depression that was never treated. I would rather vent than to hold it in like she did.
Wow this is amazing, I never realised there were so many women/mothers that felt the same as me.
I have an almost 5yr old and a 19mth and they are both so clingy and needy, even as I write this one is on my lap and the other is at my feet. Every room I go to, they follow, I just can't get away from them, it drives me insane!!!!!
The younger one seems capable of entertaining herself but her older brother needs attention from somebody in the house every waking moment of the day, it's so exhausting. I've actually been turning the tv on alot for him lately because I just can't stand his noise, whining, 'look at mes'.
How do mum's actually enjoy this???? It's so tedious, frustrating, irritating, reptitive! I hate it how I have to plan everything and organise everything and everyone just to get 5 minutes peace. I have no family nearby and neither does my husband so it's not like I can just dump the kids off somewhere either. We also live 40 minutes out of town so the only form of entertainment close by is the playground and beach (it's winter at the moment so not so much fun). I just feel stuck, wondering when it's going to end, when I'll actually enjoy my day, when I'll have energy again, when I'll feel motivated to get out of bed inthe mornings. I feel like I'm watching the clock each day waiting for their bedtimes so I can think again.
I know I'll miss them being small one day but to be honest at the moment, 'that day' can't come soon enough.
It's just so good to know that there are others that feel like I do and I want to thank you for helping me feel normal!!!!
don't you just love it when you are in the bathroom of all places to escape from the family and they bang on the door for something they themselves can get?? LOL I try to take more than one shower just because they know they can't get to you?…doesn't mean they don't try to, but …yeah, this job doesn't pay very well,
I watched my mother struggle to raise us AND have a career when my father walked out. Then I watched my two younger sisters become mothers and saw what they went through. I always knew I didn't want children, although the outcry at my decision was loud and pretty vicious. It was not because I hated children – as some assumed – it was because I knew absolutely that I would not be able to handle the isolation, the routine, the loss of my identity, time and freedom that came with being a mother. No one ever tells you the truth. I was scared that any child of mine would feel unwanted, as I and my sister had. I couldn't do that to a child. I couldn't be sure I would not resent my loss of freedom. There were better women out there than I. They could be the mothers of the next generation.
I've never regretted my decision, despite the sometimes vicious criticism I have had.
To all of you wonderful mothers out there I admire you more than words can express. No one ever tells you how hard it's going to be. I don't know how you do it. I think you are extraordinary. I think my sisters are extraordinary as well. No job is tougher or has so little support. I feel for you all. I know that you would do anything for your kids, but that doesn't mean you can't have times when you have to admit it's not a bed of roses.
I missed out on marriage because of my decision not to be a mother. I said goodbye to 3 men who insisted that if I didn't get married and have their children I couldn't possibly love them enough. I let them go. I knew what it would be like.
Sending you all love and strength and huge respect. xxx
Oh Beachkat
what an amazing post. Thanks for your words. I hope you find a man who is ok with not having children. You sounds great and I would love to see you have whatever you want in life. I am sorry your Mom was stressed and then you felt it. I hope my stress does not affect my son that way. I hope I am keeping it a secret from him. I hope he never knows that I hate being a Mom. It is not him that I hate, It is the constant repsonsibility and giving up a life I once had. It is also a single Mom, I hate. Maybe if I was in a loving relationship with my sons father and he took some of the burden off me it would feel different, not sure. It is true what you say, isolation, loss of identity,time, freedom, wrenching routine.Yes tough job, little support, or understanding. I hope you dont get too much critism for not having children. Society sucks.sending you love, strength and respect too! Thank you Beachkat for understanding.
beachkat, I cannot tell you how much I admire you. What strength, courage (not sure if you feel courageous but to me it seems that way) and conviction. In fact, you are what I could never be: strong enough to be my true self. I guess I just fell to family and societal expectations. I, too, know that my mother hated being a mother and felt that her life was stolen from her and unfortunately, she could not hide her feelings from me. But I didn't LEARN from her like you did. I admire you so much. At least I know to NEVER let my kids feel the way she made me feel. But honestly, I probably should not have had them. Not just because I hate the job of motherhood. But because now I am so keenly aware of how much I could have done and been without them. I mean that I could have given back to the world and the earth and to other humans in a way that I never can now, exactly. I was a fool to think I could continue on with the person who I was. A complete and total arrogant fool. Also: I was afraid of being lonely. But what is worse, loneliness or living a life forever that is not right for you? I don't know. I just don't know. I may never know.
I bet that at least one or all of those three men that you were wonderful enough to be honest with – if they have kids these days – are thinking "wow. that woman was right. how did she know that this would be this hard and life-altering?" And I bet they want to reach out to you and let you know how right you were. And maybe they are imagining an awesome child-free life with you.
Total respect from here.
Thank you so, so much – mermaid and trapped – for your comments. They mean a great deal to me. The love and respect is mutual :-)
I wish everyone – mothers, grandmothers, sisters and friends would be more honest about having children and being a mother. I wish there wasn't this damn conspiracy to never tell the truth and pretend that it's the most exciting and meaningful thing in the world and what any normal woman should do: the main and only true purpose in a woman's life.
As one highly intelligent, married and child-free female French politician once said: 'just because we have the equipment, doesn't mean we have to use it'
I met an ex boyfriend recently. He was still as handsome as ever. He looked at me sadly, apologised for being an idiot 20 years ago and then said, 'I thought you were the most exciting woman I had ever met, and it turns out you were..'
And do you know what I thought? I looked at him and thought: 'tough shit sweetie, you blew it'.
I thank you for your polite and warm reply. I rarely receive such civil and well-mannered reactions from other women.
Your observation that women experience a far greater amount of a societal pressure than men do is very astute and depressingly accurate. You are very correct in noting that women are incessantly judged by others. It appears that we can never live up to those impossible expectations and standards that society places on us: we are either too thin or too fat, too outspoken or too passive, too independent or too dependent, too emotional and caring or too strong and cerebral… It just never ends. It's exhausting. I often feel incredulous that anyone at all is capable of navigating these mixed, contradictory standards and roles. If you are single, childless-by-choice and career-minded, you are labeled "unnatural" and "unfeminine." If you are a stay-at-home mom, you are given a laudatory lip service, while at the same you are treated with contempt and derision (oh, just a housewife!), you receive absolutely no recognition, validation or compensation for all the work you do, you have no support, understanding or sympathy. Mothers are expected to bear their cross in silence with a plastered-on smile, behind which countless women hide their frustration, disappointment, loneliness, pain and anger. And woe upon you, if you dare to speak up, to complain. I saw this happen to my mother. She was, simply put, trapped. No one would listen to her, especially not her husband. Well, she ended up directing all her anger and pain towards me and my brother. I am so very afraid that, like my mother before me, I too might one day succumb to a societal pressure and have a child, only to be disappointed. I fear that I would, just like my mother before me, verbally and physically abuse my child as a source of my entrapment. I shudder at a mere thought of that. Alas, it happens all too often: women "bullied" into conforming to traditional gender roles end up taking their frustration out on their kids, or take up drinking, or drugs… That is the real reason I abstain from motherhood. As my mother's "mistake", I still live with the ghosts of my violent childhood. Patriarchy takes toll on everyone… but men. When will this change? Will it ever?
Your mother and mine are very similar. Our reasons for remaining child-free are the same. I am now too old (early 50s) to have kids, but it's never bothered me. I have never regretted my decision. I am a fabulous auntie to 6 nieces and nephews and that's more than enough for me. They think I'm very cool. I think they are wonderful.
Anna, don't give in to social pressure. You have come so far and been so strong, in the face of ridiculous and unfair criticism and pressure. How dare anyone question your choices! Do not have a child unless you really, really want to and the circumstances are right. Be true to yourself. Rise above the small minded. Remember that some of their rage comes from jealousy. Be true to yourself. Live your life the way you choose to.
'I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul', to quote Henley,
Good luck and much love,
You wrote exactly my experience and how I feel. I don't want children for the exactly same reasons, but my husband wants to be a father. I know that if I follow what he wants, I'll be depressed. It's a lot of pressure from other women in his family as well. I don't understand why people do not respect us and our goals in life without kids. They prefer a suffering woman with children than a happy one without kids.
I just want to pee without being followed in, have a shower without a little person standing waiting for me, most of the time I want to be alone in another room from them but they follow me constantly. I had a life before, now I live in the country which is shit and all the other smug mothers make me hate them but I try and play their game but they know I look down on them because I know they are pretending, at least I don't.
I miss the city and friends and just being able to sit and read or have a coffee, I love my kids but when they were born did it mean I had to die.
I also live in the freakin country were the moms pretend like they love being a mom. Their the perfect weight, hair is freshly styled, and clothes look new without food or snot wiped in their shirt. I have a 3 yr son and 18mos daughter. I have lupus/fybromyalgia with organ involvement.I had a really difficult time having kids. After 3 misscarriges, 1 10day daughter to die with heart defect. I had these two kids and feel guilty about not being able kiss their ass 24/7. Its just to physically demanding stressful,& frustrating. I have talked with my lupus doctor she said its normal to yell and get frustrated with kids. She gave me some xanax. I can`t talk about not being unhappy as a stay/work at home mom because people will thank I am ungreatful for my kids I love these kids very much despite all the crap I have to deal with.Nobody really understands how tough it is to be sick and have to deal with these kids all the time. After 2 days of easter this year at my family, his family. So I was like lets just go the **** home I am tired my son was not listening running wild near the road my hubby ignoring him.This one bitch hubbys dads new girlfriend had the nerve to say to me "you should not be having a pitty party for yourself." The hell flew in me I said to hubby lets go the **** home I am ready. But I wanted to just tell the bitch off but didn`t want to cause family problems. I am legally disabled with lupus after having the last baby my lupus has been flaring my hair is falling out, am tired all the time, I just had shingles, kidney infection, keep getting dehydrated because of meds, chest pain, swelling all of my body, on steriods, muscle relaxers, immunosuppressants, pain meds, nerve pills,sleeping pill. I am totally being the best mom I can be right now. I know my kids are super annoying but its soo soo not my fault. No one in either of our families can watch my kids. some just say their to hyper, others always gotsomething important to do. So no help at all. But yet people have the freakin nerve to pass judgement on me as a mom. Or say things that really piss me off. My lupus doctor knows me very well for about 13yrs. she says I should tell people how I feel and not hold anything back. Its hard I have tried every medicine they can give me for lupus and maxed out on the dosage for the ones that have helped.
Its tough dealing with people thoughts on how I should feel or act. I am not lazy, before I got sick I was in college taking 6 courses working two jobs. I am very sick. sorry so long just needed to rant I guess.
I read all of your post it makes me feel better that its not just me that feels so frustrated with this stay at home mom crap.
dear which ones,
i hate it. hate hate hate. i'm so sorry you're sick and have to deal with it, i can't even imagine. i am not in the country (i used to live the in the sticks, thank GOD i do not now, i would jump off a bridge), i am in the city but if it makes you feel any better the moms are the same here. pretending to love it but dead behind the eyes. i seriously stand at the play area at the mall and just look at each mom's face when i am not chasing after my twins, searching for someone with some soul but they do not exist here. i've given up trying to make real friends in the mommy groups. i'm so sick of the diaper/poop/feeding/age conversation. i adore my beautiful healthy boys and i feel guilty every day for not being happy because i know women who would give their right arm to be a SAHM but i HATE it. And here's the kicker: I know that i would hate being a working mom even more because then I would have THAT stress on top of THIS stress, plus i'd miss all of my babies' special moments and that would kill me – just kill me. I just feel like a made a huge mistake. i just hope it gets easier and happier some day. i cannot take the whining anymore and i miss my old life and old self so much, it makes me cry almost daily. I don't think i'll ever tell my kids how literally unhappy i have been raising them, but i WILL tell them that if they do not want to have kids that it's a perfectly wonderful, normal and fine decision. I will NEVER put pressure on my kids for grandkids – NEVER!!!
thanks for listening and your post.
totally hear you Tiger Lily. I dont want to pretend anymore that this new life is so great and that my old life I am suppose to have good memories about and not long for it. It does feel like when they came along it was all about them and nothing about us any more, we did die in a way, lets hope we can get reincarnated when they grow up.
I feel EXACTLY the same way. i literally have to run to the bathroom and lock myself in to pee in peace! for once, i would just like to sit on the sofa with a cup of hot coffee and a book and read just ONE full chapter without saying, no, stop fighting, clean up your toys. and I hate when I go to the park or anywhere that has a group of mothers pretending to be freaking June Cleaver. I smiled once when a mom broke down in the mall and said "can't you just stop talking for one minute! cant you please just stop!" all the other parents that were in the store gave her a look like she pulled a damn gun out on her kid. I simply smiled at her and whispered as I was walking by..i feel the same way.
WHY couldn't I have found this site BEFORE I decided to have kids??? The only sites I would go to were freakin' babycenter.com and all the other lovey-dovey baby ones that NEVER say the truth. I have unsubscribed from all of them, they make me nauseous – as does even seeing a newborn or walking down the baby aisle at Target. And I have TWINS – that don't nap at the same time, one is crying now, never get a break, gotta go (be GLAD you don't have 15 month old twins if you don't. but at least I know I'm DONE and don't have to go through this ever ever again).
you made me laugh! you are right why couldnt we find this site before!! Why did we have the blinder on!! you are right the media makes it seem so wonderful!!! so funn that you unsubscribed because they make you nauseous. LOL!! I feel the same way. Hang in girl, we will get through it, I know it!! yes one child is it for me.
So nice to read ALL the comments,lol!
No Seriously, I am a SAHM of now 6, Ugh!
At least mine are older,20,18,15,13,12,&6
BUT, for those of oyu who think it will get better when they "get older".. Think again!!!
I just watched EAT.LOVE.PRAY last night and am SERIOUSLY contemplating running off!
If I could find some "missionary" trip or something on the cheap..I would so be out of here!!
I am so sick and tired of not knowing who I am anymore. My entire Identity revolves around my kids, home, and husband.
Try and answer the question WHO AM I ?
WITHOUT having the answer be ALL about your "Job" as a mother!
WTH have we evolved to?? This whole woman's lib. and woman's movement didn't seem to get us too far.
I am seriously P.O at woman like oprah who display their wonderful lives on the TV for SAHM like us!! What is the world thinking?? What were we thinking when we got our selves into this mess?
We were all lead to believe that this is GREAT, WONDERFUL, AND WHAT EVERYONE WANTS.
You are all right
This Sucks, it literally sucks the life right out of you, you no longer have any energy, ambition, or attainable dreams.
Any energy, money, or hopes you may have can just be floated into your kids bank accounts!!
I tell my girls EVERYDAY, be INDEPENDANT!! Go to college, have fun, enjoy being alone and single and have comfort in the fact, when you are lonely..that, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!
I sure as hell hope they listen!!
I wish someone would have set me down and told me how it really is… not all the BS like, "it's the harest job you'll ever love" or "it's part of life"…
Well this is my two cents worth of ranting and raving.. thanks for reading and thanks for sharing.. At least we can all take comfort in the fact that we're not alone or crazy…
great post!! I totally relate! Go Girl.
Reading all the posts from other mother's have made me feel better. I am a nurse who recently was layed off after the facility I worked for closed. I am married, and I have worked for the last 15 years of my life. I have a 3 and 5 year old daughters, and my husband and I decided I should try staying at home. I commend all your full time stay at home mothers. This is the hardest job I have ever had. My girls fight, they need constant supervision because they want to get into things, they try to come into bed with me at night. I can't even go to the bathroom at night. I watch SuperNanny, I try the timeout thing, but it's exhausting. Sometimes I just lose my temper, then I feel guilty. The days are so redundent; same thing every day, then the meltdowns and temper tantrums. When you go out anywhere it's just an ordeal, it's physically and emotionally draining. Then when you finally get time to yourself at night after the kids go to bed you are too tired to enjoy yourself. God bless stay at home moms. I don't believe that there is one happy mom that thinks this job is easy, I just wish I could be happy. I don't understand why I just can't be happy?? I have tried antidepressents, and counseling – no change. I try not to show my children my happiness, for the most part I act happy with them, but inside I just can't get out of this. My husband has no sympathy for me, he just tells me you are not doing anything different than any other stay at home mom does everday. He makes me feel guilty for leaving to do anything by myself, thinks I need to be with him attached to his hip when he is home. He is like another child, he was good at first until a year ago. Oh well, just pray for when the children get older and easier to deal with.
Hi Michelle
you sound like a good Mom. yes I dont understand why I cant be happy either. I related to what you wrote. I too try not to show my son how unhappy I am. why arent men supportive to us? It seems like they would understand, after all they are the ones that are always trying to defualt the kids to us! They dont sem to look like they are enjoying it all that much either! Dont let him make you feel guilty. Yes God Bless stay at home Moms. I happen to work and that is a blessing to me. I understand, you try to get time for yourselves and it is literally impossible.I try to get time after he is in bed but he never sleeps, and then i am too tired to enjoy myself too. i have been trying to get my son out of my bed for a while now, he is turning 5 tomorrow. I do also pray that it will be easier when they are older. Hang in there, you are doing great.
I think all of us are in the same sinking ship with our kids in tow.
It sounds like every stay/work at home moms day is very similar to mine.
constant need for supervision, sibling fights, laundry, cleaning, whinning, running behind constantly telling no don`t touch that, meltdowns, temper tantrums, constant refusal to listen, etc… I try to stay neutral during sibling fights, play and record alot of nick jr./disney, lose my temper alot, time out/go to your room, eat xanax and pray for the day I can drop their butts of at the school. I will feel like I`ve won the lottery when both kids start school. To me this job feels like house arrest.keep them at home. Its a real bitch to bring them shopping or anywhere else.
It feels good not to feel alone. Most days I hate being a Mom. I never love it. I wish I could go back and undo it. Even loving my kids I'd rather I never had them. I can not figure out a way to be happy with my life the way it is. Every solution I think of has a downside that I am not sure I can live with, so I am stuck in the rut of being a SAHM.
I am crying everyday. I have a five year old and a three year old, both girls. I can't believe I got married and had two kids. I feel so alone, my husband owns his own business and is always working. I try to keep my girls busy with pre-school, karate, swim, gymnastics and dance. I know I'm really doing all these activites so I don't have to spend time with them. I have been a mom for five years now and i'm still not used to it. I am stressing myself out by driving around everyday and still coming home to clean, cook and do laundry. I really hate my life!
I have a 4 1/2 old month son and I hate being a mom.
I also hate where we live. I used to live in a beautiful city, with my own job/money, my own beautiful victorian home, girlfriends, suitors. I pursued my passions. I was a part of my neighborhood, my community.
Now we live in a godforsaken suburb of southern California and there is NOTHING to do here but shop… and I f*cking hate to shop. So, I just stay home day in and day out with my son.
I am extremely resentful of my husband for bringing us here and keeping us here, and for the fact that he gets to go on with his life as if nothing has changed.
I feel that I am living through the worst depression, and the lowest point of my life.
I am on the verge of packing a bag and leaving. I don't want to take out my frustration, anger, resentment, and rage on my husband. I never take it out on my son, but I am sure that even at his young age, he can sense my anxiety, depression, and lack of joy. That alone makes me feel like a horrible mother, and I firmly believe that he and my husband will be better off without me.
I thought that I wanted to commit suicide, but then my brother came to visit– he and I are very close and very much alike– and he helped me to realize the awful truth. I don't really want to die, I just want out of this life that I hate.
Oh sweetheart….
welcome to California , where the only things you can do here, is shop and…eat..I do feel your pain.
I hate going out, you literally have to hog tie me to take me out just because people out here do make you feel so insecure, and i admit , i get very jealous and end up in tears seeing these beautiful women shopping at these Guess store and Dolce without their kids with them, screaming and asking for everything ,they drive in nice cars and clothing. I live in a gated community but im not nearly as fortunate in other areas…besides it's depressing that i drive a small pos family car with handy cap- signs that don't even belong to me because it's practical vehicle for my daughters…sighs
Anyways…..stay strong honey, at least we can all share our stories here
Thanks so much for your kind words. It was nice to log in here and read your comments. We don't live in a gated community but most of the "communities" here are gated, no matter what the price range, I've noticed. I think it's such a joke that they call them communities. We've lived in our current place for 4 years and we don't know ANY of our neighbors. We got to know one couple, but they moved away, and anyway we didn't have a lot in common. This is really not my idea of a community… I wouldn't even want their expensive cars or designer clothes… their lives just seem so empty to me. I know that sounds judgmental but having tried to get to know quite a few people around here over the years, I just haven't found many that have any substance at all. The two acquaintances I have in so Cal are both from other places. I hate how people here just sort of glaze over right in the middle of a conversation. Nobody seems capable of actually connecting. It's the creepiest thing I've ever seen, and I just can't get used to it. Every day I wake up wishing I were somewhere else, preferably a city, where people just seem more awake and aware. People around here just seem like zombies, or robots…
Honestly you all need to take some "me" time…don't bother saying "I don't have the time" you have the time to come on here! You have the time to take 10-20 mins if not more to do something for yourself.
You need to reclaim who you are or were!
And to Lisa, I think you have a point…but the way you try to shove it down everyone's throats is not cool or ok. I get what you are saying, but how you are saying it is not making anyone even listen to you. If you were even a pinch less mad and brutal, I bet you would have even had some supporters.
You catch more flies with honey!
I wish lack of 'me' time was my excuse. I get a lot. I go out with friends at least once a week…sometimes up to three times awake. A get a couple of overnights away a year. This year I even got a week on my own when my H took the kids to visit family while I worked some extra hours at my part-time job. It's still not enough for me. I think what I need to do (and am now trying) is to find ways to have fun with my kids. We are all happier when I can do that.
lol I'm not awake which is why I can't type 'three times a week' correctly! Or any other sentence I typed apparently!
I was a single mom until my son was three. I know all the struggles a single mom has. Going to work at 6:00AM, trying to pay daycare and bills with no help from the biological father. The guilt from working and being away from my son… I didn't even date until my son was three because I was terrified of what it would do to my schedule.
I ended up falling in love and having a daughter. She's now a month old and now I'm a SAHM to both of my kids. I had always wanted to be a SAHM. I thought it would be great to be able to be a part of my son's life 24/7. Well, it is and it isn't.
With a new baby, I don't get to spend so much fun time with my son. It seems like I'm exhausted when I wake up from the night time feedings, then I have to make breakfast, clean up the dishes, grab a cup of coffee just so my head doesn't explode, then when I try to do something with my son (which I'm too tired to focus on), it's time to feed the baby and change her diaper again. When they nap, I'm doing laundry. Or cleaning. Or trying not to go insane. My son was finally at an age where he dressed himself, fed himself, had interesting conversations, and was easy to take places. And now I'm starting all over again. I have a hard time doing the grocery shopping. I feel like my son is suffering from it. "Mama, come here, come see this!", "Mama, can we go ___"? All of his little questions are met with, "Not now, I'm feeding the baby. Not now, your sister is sleeping".
I can't even go to the bathroom in peace because as soon as I get in there, my son wants my attention and/or the baby starts crying.
My fiance and I were talking about going on vacation. Then I realized that it would suck to go anywhere right now because trying to make sure everyone has fun (especially my son) would be hard if I'm always having to take care of the baby.
My SO made it sound like he would help more than he has been. I'm so jealous of him for getting to leave the house without worrying about diapers and bottles and having to lug a carrier around. And having adult conversations.
I haven't been able to go out in over 4 years. If I ever get a chance to, I'm consumed with guilt over not being home. My fiance's days off are him going out with his friends or his brother without the kids. I don't get a day off. I'm doing the same exact crap 24/7. He won't do anything for our daughter unless I make him. He just watches when I'm trying to cook dinner and feed a baby and play with my son. I'm so exhausted and stressed out all the time. And he had the nerve to talk about more children! I'm getting my tubes tied.
I love my daughter so much, but I think it would be easier to have just one child. I hope that all of this will only get easier as she gets older.
I don't even remember what I like to do. I don't think it was ever cooking, cleaning, laundry, and poopy diapers, but that seems to be all that I do now.
I have read this thread and don't actually feel like any of these moms (no judgment though what so ever!)..until I read your post…well sort of. I know my husband wants another child and so do/did I. But our son was very ill at birth and almost didn't come home more than once.
He shouldn't be here and is. And now is the center of my world pretty much, I dont spoil him though!
I have been on the fence about another baby since we had our son, mostly due to his needs and honestly just how I feel about him. I fear I would always favor him without meaning too or be more proud of what he did, due to his rough start.
When I read you saying you now reply to your son with "not now Im feeding the baby"…my heart sunk. I can't wrap my head around speaking those words to my son. (no judgment again!!).
I also don't want to feel like you do after having two kids. I hope this all doesn't offend you. I don't mean to what so ever, if anything you have truly helped me..and I think I will be getting my tubes tied too!
I hope things get easier for you, all of you.
I know I said I didn't feel like you mom's do. But I know its an almost thankless, frustrating, tiring, mind numbing, boring, repetitive, be a million different people and HARD job sometimes. Dont think because I don't feel like you, that I am all sunshine and roses either!
I am really happy that you all found each other because support is key and huge! I don't exactly understand all of your individual feelings, but I respect you ALL none the less.
I hope it truly does get better for each of you. (hugs)
Hang in there Exhausted, I hear you. You sound like a great Mom. It is so exhausting to do everything that is expected from us and what we expect from ourselves. You touched my heart when you said your little boy was asking you to do something. I know how that feels when you are tired, stressed , having no help, and driven my responsibilities that take presidence. It sucks. But you sound like you are giving it all. I support you.
I'm in a house full of people and I'm lonely all the time. I've tried to make friends with other moms at the park and whatnot, but I cannot, for the most part, stand most of them! For one, I think about feedings, diapers, cleaning, etc all day long. I most certainly DO NOT want to talk about it all day. I am a person, a real person, or at least I used to be.
I'm also tired of moms being so damn judgemental of everything I do. Yes, I am feeding my baby formula. Yes, I know breastfeeding is the best. Of course you wouldn't want to hear about how my milk never came in because it's none of your damn business and you've already decided that I'm a horrible mother for feeding them formula. Oh, breast-fed babies have higher IQs? Then why is your little Jimmy eating dirt while my son has been reading and doing addition/subtraction since he was 3?
I can totally relate… It's so easy for other people to judge. I also had a very tough time breastfeeding. My son is now on formula and I just can't worry anymore what anybody has to say about it. I felt horribly guilty when I had to give up breastfeeding but I just couldn't take the excruciating 24/7 pain anymore. My niece was formula fed from the age of 1 week old and she is the most brilliant little girl I've ever met! I think a lot of exaggerations are told to try to scare women away from formula.
People who try to guilt the rest of us about breastfeeding may be well-intentioned but have you ever noticed that they are always women who had an easy time breastfeeding? They simply cannot relate to the kind of pain and frustration that comes from trying, and failing, to breastfeed. Not to mention the physical pain. They act like the decision to formula-feed is an easy one, as if those of us who choose it just don't care about our babies. Nothing could be further from the truth. I had one mom tell me that my kid would be obese if I gave him formula. Actually, the biggest predictor of obesity in a child is having an obese mom. I was too polite to point that out to her, since she was quite overweight herself.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time making friends with other moms. At least you're out there trying. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I just have this awful feeling it will go badly for me. I really don't relate to the women where I live. I don't like tanning booths or malls or sitcoms, and I'm not conservative or religious, so there goes 99% of our conversational topics. For now, I'm just staying home, until I can think of a better plan… perhaps one that involves moving to another state…
Dam I was doing so well and thinking I was on the mend, relating and reading all your wonderful thoughts everyone. Thinking I can be positive and get thru this thing called motherhood for the next 15 yrs, but Dam, a bad fricken day today was. I feel hopeless, frustrated and trapped again. I wish so bad to go back in time and live without kids. I was daydreaming about it, fantasizing, wishing it so much. Then i realized what this is ….it is a jail. I have been sent to prison for 15 years. I walk around like well I'll make the best of this. I can not leave,I have no freedom, it is all been taken away from me. I am expected to follow the rules, do the right things while i am in prison, pay my sentence, get rewards for good behavior, my time to be free is getting closer. I am a prisoner, a caged animal, no way out! I keep thinking, my son is 5, 10 more years he is 15, at 16 he can drive and will want to be around his friends. I can do this 10 year thing. Oh God, I am so unhappy with this life, I dont want it anymore, I just want my freedom. I also agree with you that say, women get no support at how we feel. I refuse to try and make conversation about child rearing, who cares!! I dont want to talk about what I am doing wrong or what school he is going to, what tutor are you getting, what foods do you let yours eat, you need to give him less suagr, how much tv do you let yours watch, you need to get a routine, you need to get better sleeping hours, you need to spend more time, you need…..I am sick of all the advise people so freely give you without asking!!! I just want to talk about things that are meaningful and exciting, my work, politics, sports, current thinking, I hate my life and some of my girl friends that I used to love are now obsessed about talking about everything about their kids, Im done! Thats for leting me vent!! I needed that. I know I will be better with a good nights sleep. I need some supportive feed back…ONLY!!!
I feel better today. Got a babysitter and got out with adults tonight and feel better. I so wish I did not feel this way about motherhood. I pray that I wish I enjoyed it more and that I will wake up someday and all the feelings I am so guilty about will go away. But they never do, they do get less oppressive at times but it always feels like a black cloud hanging over my head. I feel the more i admit it the more i can deal with it. See it for what it is, frustration, exhaustion, getting no help from anyone physically nor emotionally, not wanting to disapline, no desire for the manotimous routine. It is true I wonder if I was a guy if society would feel the same way about me. It is like I am suppose to enjoy every fricken seconds of this but if I was a guy it would look so altruistic, a single parent father who would take care of a child and work at the same time, wow so honorous but a women, what is wrong with her. We will never have the same view in society. So therefore, we will never get the same emotional support.
Hey Mermaid, I have had an awful day also, I get your thinking, I am going so mad I am marking myself out of ten for my mothering skills, I don't know if this is making me worse because I am more fully aware how much of a bad mum I feel, Im sure im not a bad bad mum but I feel like I want to get out of this prision sentence. Then I get moments when i look at my daughter and the guilt is overwhelming! I love her but can't see past being a mum to show my love for her. I feel like all Im shouting all the time, throwing things, and then when i take a step back and look at myself i realise how dam scary I must be to this little person :( So ill wake up and say ill try harder?? but then i have an ever worse day. I am so very thankful for this website although im not american i know wherever you are in the world its the same. I have just got a new partner, only been together a month, feel happy with him i dont talk about my daughter that much dont want to scare him off, he likes being around my daughter though its probably me who doesnt. Well anyway, 2moroo is another day and meeting another mum, feed to ducks blah blah blah….. xxxx
I've been so sad this last year and a half.. I owned two beautiful art galleries, my own home, I was social and involved in the community. I was a happy and adjusted single mom my children were 8 & 16 when I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was everything I wanted, or so I thought.. we decided not to have any more children and then after only a month of marriage he started talking about it a lot and when we started to plan having our child I told him I never ever wanted to be a single mom again. I loved it but it was so hard. I raised my children without a father and without child support. My husband assured me he would never leave, I would never be a single mom again. It took only 7 days to conceive. We were shocked to say the least but I felt blessed and excited to share a child with a husband, have the family Ive always wanted to experience. Im alone with no other family and no help. So I was excited! We found out we were pregnant 2 days before a trip for our honeymoon we had postponed due to business. On our honeymoon is when the physical abuse started. He was pushing me, throwing me down, terrorizing me. When we got back I made an appt. for an abortion, something i had not previously believed in. But he apologized and was so sorry, said he had anger issues and would get help… Well, it only got worse. He had lied about his credit, jobs, even the fact he had another child and ex wife.. ALL of his stories were just not adding up and I eventually hired a PI that told me he was a con man and had been fired for lying from jobs ETC. I kept forgiving him though because he always came back telling me how much he loved me and wanted the baby. After one of his violent episodes where he threw me down when I was five months pregnant I had just about all I could take and kicked him out. BUT he came back and courted me, apologized, said he was "standing" for our marriage and begged for my forgiveness, swore he would get help. I took him back again.
Im trying to make a VERY long story into a short one here..
With the economy, I lost my businesses, my home equity was collateral for my business loan so I lost my home, found out my husband had already been cheating and one month after I gave birth he walked out on me. He just left and has had nothing to do with this baby, now 15 months old. I was homeless, jobless, broke. The lease was up at the end of the month. My oldest daughter went to live with my friends to finish high school and my youngest went to dads. I filed for a relocation and moved and we have moved about every other month living with room mates.. but i've been unable to find work.
My ex husband is doing great though from what I read when I google him, even found Christ and is in a church publication talking about his christianity and how of all the rolls he plays fatherhood is his most important roll (to the daughter he didnt even tell me he had!) …what a joke. He even came near where I live and didn't ask to see our daughter.
I love her. I do. But I am so angry and hurt for what he has put me through that I regret ever having her. I wish sometimes I had given her up for adoption, Given her a chance and a family. I didn't want to be a single mom especially in my situation. She is so beautiful and deserved so much more than traveling around living out of grocery bags. Ive had to sell everything I own to survive and at least keep my car. She needs me and I am so broken that Im not there for her like I should be. I know this isn't her fault and she didn't ask to be born. Sometimes my patience is so short and I catch myself yelling at her. This wasn't the mom I was. I was fun and enjoyed life but now I have alienated any friends I had and even my older children don't want to be near me because they said I've changed so much. I've self isolated to the point I have nothing/no one left. We are getting ready to move again next week, Ive enrolled in a class I want to take. But the stress of what Im about to go through every day is more than I can bare some times. The daycare prices where Im moving is 250 to 300 a freaking week! I have no idea how Im ever going to make ends meet. Its already hard, she is so clingy and I am all she knows. I never have a minute to myself, ever and I haven't in 15 months. Its 2:30 am and this is the ONLY time I get but then I am so tired and crabby the next day.
Coming across this site helped me a bit reading through the different stories. I guess Im not alone.
Thanks for anyone reading. Please don't judge me for my thoughts about my daughter.
Thanks for listening, I have no one to talk to.
Your story really broke my heart … I could hear the desperation from your heart and soul. I hope your circumstances have improved since you posted last. That weasel of an ex of yours is pure evil and the darkest men always know how to find the best women with brokenness inside themselves. I feel sad for you and all your children because it's not easy to see your mother in such pain. I am disappointed to hear that they abandoned you when you needed them the most. Hopefully they will come around and come back to you. I understand your feelings about your daughter and I dont judge you. Be well. RT
Can I ask ALL of you how you found this thread? Did you search I hate being a mom in Google or what?
I found it through it being always replied too along the side of this site.
Just curious.
I googled "hate being a mom" also & found this site.
I googled "I hate being a Mom". Its not the first time I have either, but its the first time I found something that expressed what I was experiencing.
I found this thread by typing "I hate being a mother" in to google. I read every single post in this thread and I would like to thank everyone for being so honest! I have a 2 1/2 year old, and all though he's as cute as pie, I absolutely DESPISE being a SAHM. I cry everyday and long for the life I lost. Why didn't anyone tell me the truth about motherhood? When people ask me how motherhood is going, I tell them it's boring. It feels good to be honest about it regardless of what others may think of me.
I too found this by typing "I hate being a mom" in google. It just feels so good to know that I'm not the only one with these feelings. I had the worst day/week with my almost 3 yr old. She's cute as a button and can be so sweet but I swear making mommy mad is her favorite activity. It's worn me down this week – so much so that when my husband finally came home I told him I felt like I had made a huge mistake becoming a mother and that I was so hurt and frustrated that I didn't want anything to do with our daughter. His response was "I don't know how you can say that! She's your child!". It just feels so good to know that others get as overwhelmed as I do. Thank you all for your posts. Every situation is different and yet all have the common thread of caring so much and being so overwhelmed that we loose it!
I Jo
Sorry – it cut me off. I wanted to say that I hope I don't hate being a mom tomorrow…..but I sure do tonight!
I am so glad I found this website…I typed in "Why Do I Hate Being A Mom" and this came up. I never imagined so many felt this way and I thought I was going crazy or something. I am a SAHM and I have 5 children (15, 11, 10, 7 & 4) and my 4 year old is the hardest child I ever had. I really don't know what planet she is from. She drains me day in and day out. Into everything from the minute she gets up to the second she's in bed. My 10 year old fights incessantly with my 7 year old. Screaming and crying and fighting all day between the kids. I've put them in their rooms, taken things away, you name it but nothing works. They listen to their father when he is home but they don't listen to me at home when he's working. I feel like running away and never coming back. But yet I love them all more than anything in the world. So why do I hate being a mom? I feel so confused and angry and do not like this screaming and yelling person I've become. I don't like getting out of bed in the morning only to do the same mindless tasks all day long. I can't wait for school to start just to be able to shut the TV off and hear NOTHING for a little while. Yet I don't look forward to all the drama in the morning getting ready for school. I could go on forever. Thank you everyone who posted and finally made me feel like I'm not alone!!
I am so glad there are others out there that feel the same way!!! I feel like such a horrible mother because I do not enjoy it at all. I thought I was the only one that had kids and hate it! All my friends have kids and seem to enjoy every single second of it and all I can think of is when my youngest will be going off to college so I can have some free time!
I am a stay at home mom of a 7 y/o boy and a 4 y/o girl. I love them both dearly, but sometimes I wish I didnt get pregnant…horrible, I know. I feel like shit admitting this. I want to enjoy my kids and I want to enjoy being a mom. I truly wish I did. I'm not depressed, I am actually a very happy type of person once my kids are in bed for the night or when they sleep at their aunts. The nights they sleep out, I am like a whole new woman! I am smiling and laughing and enjoying life again but as soon as they come home, i'm happy to see them, glad they had a good time, but I cringe.
life is so repeatative and boring that I find myself getting aggrivated when it gets too loud, too messy or when I have too many demands being tossed my way.
*sigh* thanks for this post, glad i'm not alone
To Anna's Mom,
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you can get your life together again. I was in an abusive relationship and got help. I contacted a women's shelter and they helped me find a house to live for two years, counseling, subsidized day care, foodstamps, medical insurance, ect… I was only 21. I am now 25 and I graduated college. My daughter is 3 1/2. I still have days where its overwhelming. But I realized, I feel like crap because I feel bad about being the mom that I am and wish I wasn't. You can change your life for the better. Try not to associate her with him even though I know its hard. Remind yourself she is totally innocent of her dad. Hang in there. I am scared of guys though, thats one thing. I don't date because I'm scared of re-ruining our life. I plan on going to counseling while i just focus on us. I also never forgot to live out my dream so I don't resent my kid… Good luck. I believe you can do it, its just hard right now but you will get past this— I promise.
PS: I went through a phase where I avoided people too. But time heals. Get support. Share what you are going through and get help. Take care and hugs…
Thanks to all the posts here. It's really therapeautic. I think part of our sadness is we all don't want to feel this way… but we do… and it makes us feel like crap and we don't realize that. We don't want to feel this way, but we do.
I say, we take this forum as a way to reclaim our lives. Yes, we hate our lives right now all the time or sometimes and know we are not alone in the "evil" thoughts we have. We are human.
I say, let's all find a way that we can feel better now that we all agree how motherhood can be so taxing in every way…
Looking at our obstacles, whether it is the lack of partner or a crappy partner, working or staying at home… let's think of ways and dream up what we would like to accomplish while still being a mom… I challenge this to us all…
We can do this!!! Again, thanks to all the posts…
I just thought of you all again today and thougth I'd check this site and see if there were new replies. Just curious. WOw! So many people feel the same way! God bless the internet!
I wish I had had access to it when I was younger. I got pregnatn first in the early 90's, then in the mid 90's. Not like today, where there is so much info available. We're talking 15, almost 20 years ago! So I had very little information. Just the usual BS about how wonderful and amazing it was going to be.
My story went like this. First, utter shock that I was pg. Then awe. Then excitement. I really felt like the ultimate Earth MOther Goddess at first, until reality hit.
The reality was wretched morning sickness that haha..lasted ALL day. Then heartburn on top of it. Despite feeling constantly ill and tired I gained a ton of weight. I felt all stretched out and itchy and hideous. Labor by all medical standards was 'easy and relatively uncomplicated' but by my standards it meant puking, shitting, ripping and bleeding and passing out from pain until the child decided to show himself.
I had no more glamourous illusions about pregnancy after that. I threw away the hippie dippie drug-free birth book as soon as I got home. All that 'imagery and deep breathing' crap did nothign to prepare me for the war zone that L & D turned out to be. Easy my ass!
Oh and they had to stitch up my butt. Yeah. Easy my ass…literally!
I was very angry after the birth of my son. I was pissed that no on had told me the truth until after. Then it was like I was in this secret club and friends who had had kids before me finally admitted that pregnancy and labor sucked!
Then I was at home for quite some time. A SAHM. After a flurry of visitors and calls, it all trickled away. I was alone a lot except for some infrequent visits by my IL's and my mom. I became quite depressed. I hated my body and didn't think it was 'normal' to look the way it did. I thought I was supposed to snap back. I never really saw a woman's body after giving birth, not for real. The airbrushed celebs are what I had to compare myself to. WOmen in my family did not walk around naked. So I was shocked to see the tiger strips and flab hanging everywhere. I looked like a deflated balloon. It really affected everything in my life, to see myself looking old like that and so out of shape.
I also discovered that SAHM's are really not well respected, no matter what is said about 'mothers having hte hardest job in the world'. I found a lot of people thought my life was cake….or acted like I mooched off my DH and did ntohing.
I think he thought that too.
DH NEVER helped with the baby and when he did, you'd think he had earned a purple heart for combat. I mean, he wanted praise for changing a diaper?
As you can tell, I am still mad about it.
Recently I watched and old 'Everyone Loves Raymond' episode where the wife Deborah seethes at Raymond about pretending to do things poorly so she ends up doing them and she yells out, "DIAPERS!" in absolute fury.
I could totally relate.
I felt like I had no power anymore. I felt like the attractive, fit, sexy woman I had been was reduced to a Jabba the Hut lookalike milk machine that cleaned and made dinner.
I realized I had PPD and asked for some meds from the MD. That helped me get through the next couple of years. I don't know what would have happened if I had not.
All this talk about 'bliss' was foreign to me. I felt like I had entered an alien land, where I hardly knew the language and customs, yet was expected to perform heroic feats. I had to raise this tiny person and was somehow expected to KNOW everything by instinct?
The baby books just made me cry, they seemed so cheery and peppy and my son acted NOTHING like the babies in the book.
He was…and still is…a very strong willed individual!
Why I had a second child? Well, I wanted my son to have a sibling and my DH was horrified at the idea of an 'only' and I was thinking that I was just starting to grasp this motherhood thing and well…BAM. There you go. DD was born 4.5 years after DS and she was an easier pregnancy and labor, but a WORSE sleeper and a LOUDER crier. I didn't get more than 5 hrs sleep the rest of that year, I was crying sometiems from the sleep deprivation. I woudl get so angry at people who woudl invite us to things or ask why we never went out…like couldn't these people understand I needed sleep? I could not stay on top of the house cleaning and it looked like a shit heap a lot of the time.
My DH was not understanding. I considered divorcing him many times during these early years.
So I totally understand the very dark place a lot of these ladies write from. I do SO wish you all the best of luck and I do believe things can get better for you!
Here's what happened for me:
I went back to work. It was not easy, but it really saved my sanity and I totally believe that!
I developed my own circle of friends outside of the one my DH and I shared. It was very important for me to have my 'own' interests. They also supported me when I wanted to go on a 'girls weekend' and my DH fought me on it. They pointed out that I never once interfered with his 'hunting weekends'
I used my money to hire a P/T housekeeper. It's worth it.
I took shortcuts and never berated myself for them after I realized that being 'SuperMom' was killing me. So soemtimes that meant serving frozen meals for dinner. Or getting takeout. And sometimes it meant letting the kids dress themselves and to hell with it if they didn't match all the time.
I learned to say 'No', whether that meant being asked to chaperone field tripes or bake cookies. If I was too busy that week, I told that person "Sorry, but No," No is a very powerful word. Use it!
I stopped being a slave to my kids. They learned to do chores . We had some catching up to do, but even little ones can put dirty laundry in baskets and put garbage in the trash. Also, school activities were limited because Mom could not be the chauffer, 24/7.
Mom became more selfish. And the kids respected me more for it.
Good luck ladies. It felt good to tell my story, finally after so many years.
Don't get me wrong
Mom Like Annas mom…
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and write to me.
25? You sound so wise and very sweet!
Thank you! ((hugs))
I hate Candy Land. I hate Chutes and Ladders even more, because it never ENDS! Why do we torture ourselves playing these games??? I've read most of the comments. I can relate to almost everyone. Momhood is exhausting and NO ONE warned us how hard it would be. I have a very upfront, unfiltered personality, so I warn EVERYONE who is contemplating having a baby about how life-changing it is. My analogy is, you can't just go to the store and leave a kid in the back yard like you can with a dog. They are with you 24/7, they have opinions, they disobey, they make messes, they NEED THINGS constantly, they CRY, and they DON'T come wagging their tail at you regardless of your mood.
Our job is non-stop conflict resolution. How does anyone come out of it sane? I have no idea. I am disgusted by all the bloggers and facebookers who paint a rosy picture of motherhood. How do they have the time for all that blogging anyway? I call BS on them.
But let's look at this in a different way. All of us feel overworked, under-appreciated, emotionally spent, and Hi-Ho-Cherry-O'd-out. But WHY? And is there a solution? There's GOT to be a reason for this. I'm sure mothers from decades past have felt this way, too, but I don't think it was to this degree. I have to wonder ….. could there be a shift in the way people are parenting? Are we sabotaging ourselves by placing too high of expectations on ourselves … trying too hard to be "the perfect parent" or "not damaging their self-esteem" or "putting everyone else's needs first" too much? Are children more demanding now than they were in the past? What CHANGED?
Personally, I have a theory. It's just a theory though, so I could be totally wrong. But honestly, I think that for me personally, I feel tired and grumpy and overwhelmed and all that crap because I am not as healthy as I could and should be. I think my kids act out more because THEY are not as healthy as they could and should be. I think the foods we eat are mostly junk and therefore we get junk behavior in return. Healthy bodies are happier.
I experimented with a healthier diet for 2 years with one of my sons, who was autistic. I did this crazy diet to "pull him out of autism." He ate nothing but all-natural, chemical-free foods. No dyes, no preservatives, no pesticides, etc. and loaded him up daily with a truckload of vitamin supplements. IT WORKED. He did a complete 180 and the diagnosis was removed. He switched from being literal, HELL ON WHEELS, to an obedient, intelligent, JOYFUL child! Wooohoo, he's healed! i thought. So recently, I ditched the extremely expensive and difficult diet. Guess what? Symptoms are returning. He's turning back into the hell child he was before.
So, good things in, good things out??? I think there is something to it. All the crap we feed ourselves and our children could be affecting our mental and emotional well-being, as well as our health. (knowing what I know now, I personally think that the majority of ADHD diagnoses would disappear if artificial colors were banned from foods, but i digress …. ) But, maybe we wouldn't be so miserable if our bodies and minds were well-fed?
So, I'm certainly not preaching nutrition, because clearly, I am not living out my theory or practicing what I preach (yet?). (i still love my oreos and white bread… Food habits are very hard to break) I'd love to hear what others think.
Sure, I'm sure we will always feel some degree if dissatisfaction with our role. Is anyone TRULY and COMPLETELY happy in life? No way. I do think though that nutrition plays a bigger role on our emotional well-being than we realize.
There's not a lot we can do about the shift in our social climate, and what our expectations as parents are now vs what they once were, but we can choose whether to buy into it or not, and allow to give ourselves some wiggle room. We are not perfect. No one is. Life is not easy. I'd love to see this group collectively agree to try to find solutions or ways to make ourselves happier/more satisfied and make this into more than just a place to vent.
Hugs to you all for working so hard and being the moms that you are!
I totally agree that I want to find solutions (although I do enjoy venting sometimes.) I think what we feed our children absolutely affects their behaviors. My daughter would happily eat sugar all day long. When I feed her healthier foods though she is SO much calmer and better behaved. I also noticed that she sleeps so much better when she has exercised that day. (Seems so obvious but some days we have so many errands to do it is hard to squeeze exercise in.) I am also trying to eat better and exercise as well. I wish I had a babysitter that I could rely on. My family is unable to help and I don't really have anyone else to turn to. Any thoughts?
Having kids exacerbates any existing issues in your life, sometimes to a point that is unmanageable. I can identify to most of your posts on here. I believe that women are the stronger sex and will always work harder than men. With that being said, I try to remind myself of this when I am overwhelmed with being mom. I have a wonderful husband who is also battling alcoholism, and have two small kids. The last 3 years have been very difficult for me. It is nice to see other comments on here coming from an honest place in yourselves. Kids are not for everyone, and I tell my childless girlfriends that when they start feeling the pressure to reproduce.
You are wise. I also advise my friends not to cave in to societal pressures but to have children only if they truly want them. I wish you the best in dealing with your husband's alcoholism.
I feel so guilty saying this, but I want more than anything to go back to work and get a paycheck and a break! My husband came home from work early today–and then told me about all of the things he planned to do (without the kids of course.) I'm tired of being the only person responsible for raising our kids. God bless men who are willing to be good parents to their children. My husband gets angry whenever I need him to watch the kids so that I can clean the house. Does anyone else have this issue or is my husband the only one?
I found this by typing I dont like being home, Its true sometimes I feel so frustrated being at home with the same routine day in and day out. I have two little ones. They are a handful but I love them with all my heart and I can not imagine my life without them. I am glad that there is a place where we can all come and vent and not be judged. Give eachother advice and say hey its normal to feel this way sometimes. Imagine if I would share this with my mother inlaw or sister inlaws. They'd kill me. Since they believe raising children is fun all day long and how could there be anything negative. My mother in law always tells me she absolutely loved it and that it was always fun and her kids hardly ever misbehaved. I highly doubt it…, but sometimes I wish she and the rest of them would just be real. No its not fun all the time, its hard work and there will be days where you wont like being a mom but there will be times that your babies will do something unexpected that will make all the hardwork worth it. A smile, a hug, a comment, a funny joke, when they are excited they were able to do a big kid thing… But I hope that if anyone is feeling very depressed or angry and its lasted for a long time and it seems like nothing is helping you feel better (i.e. having me time) than you should talk to someone qualified to help sort out your feelings. Take care and hope your day is better tomorrow.
hi to everyone, i feel absolutley ashamed having to say that i totally do not enjoy motherhood. what is there to enjoy? Not being able to go out when u want, mother and sister in laws saying how great and easy it was for them,making all the frigin sacrafices, not being able to wrk, (husbands choice cos it financially doesnt make sense to have 2 kids in daycare, especiALLY in this recession. i cud o on and on.
my kids are 4 and 19 months. i hate being home with them all day everyday whilst my husband gets to wrk. i had a good job and was going places. i hane 2 degrees and here i am a depressed stupid housewife according to my hubby who says its part of being a mom. Well i hate it.
My life has turned upsidedown. i hate it. and im beginning to hate my husband too. In fact i already hate him.
I feel just like you. I hate my life. I feel like a robot. And the only reason anyone wants me is to clean up shit. Will it ever end?
it end when you say it ends. Just stop doing it and start doing things for yourself. No one can disrespect you if you take of you first.
Me too! I hate, hate, hate my life, my husband and my kids. I hate being a mom. I am so sick of all the shit. I just want to run away and never come back.
Sounds just like me. I have 4 kids and I hate being home. I'm educated and had a great career. Now I feel like my brain is deteriorating. All I am is a driver, maid and a referee. It's awful. My husband is great but he works all day. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not tired physically but mentally I am just done and there are times when I just want to walk away from this whole thing. But I stop myself because I know I'll regret it. All I look forward to is 8pm when all my kids are asleep. I literally count the minutes sometimes.
i was surprise fo find so mamy women feeling like i do,from the buttom of my heart i truly hate being a stay at home mom, i love my kids but they get on my nerves same freaking routine every single day.Cleaning, cooking, laundry, changing diapers, take care of everybody but nobody takes care of me.Taking care of 3 kids is hard, homework on me, get up early to get my oldest ready for school and the 3 and 1 yr stay with me.
when it comes to the house everything is me,ask my husband when the last time he gave the kids a bath or put a plate in the dishwasher.when he is off from work and ask him to get up with them and feed them he got the nerve to say he don't wanna be bother with kids right now when i do it 24/7.most days i feel like running from this, feel like i lost control of my life and have to depend on him for everithing makes me sick.Never been depressednor had any panic attacks and now im on med for both.
Your post sounds exactly like me! I have two degrees, finished with a 4.0 and would have a much better paying career than my husband if I could only complete Grad school, but instead I am stuck at home, doing the same thing over and over, no time to myself and being full of resentment towards my husband because he gets to leave the house everyday and if he decides he does not want to deal with the baby, he just goes golfing/reads/watches tv but somehow it is expected of the mom to come running when baby cries.
I hate being a mom, housewife, wife and doing this shit every day!
I don't have being a mom all the time but I miss not being able to go out and have fun with my friends and I never catch a break. I'm a 23 year old single mom and I get so frustrated and nobody seems to understand. My daughter is 17 months and doesn't sleep thru the night. I never catch a break and I'm pissed off and worn out. I love my daughter but I wish someone would ******* help me every now and then.
Our society blows. We pretend we're happy when we aren't and we are so self absorbed that we don't reach out to each other.
Maybe we should model ourselves after a different society.
dear hate , i realisethat its hard. the BEST advise i have 4 u is
2 find CHRIST
he helps w/all that is wrong in our lives
spiritual beats the HELL out of the painfull physical life we often live w/out him
talk 2 him and things will get bettr.SECRET 2 THAT SUCCESS THough is FAITH
Christ your kidding right lol
find your peace on ypu friends. trade off. take turns watching each others kids. walk out on saturday morning before the hubby gets up and don't come back til night.
I found this purposfully by typing I hate being a mom and this chat came up. I recently divorced after a 20 year marriage with 3 kids; I have a 16yr old daughter and 13yr twin boys. The boys are awesome. They listen, are helpful around the house, rarely fight, get good grades and I truely like them. My daughter on the other hand is so f'n' hard! She has made my life misserable for years, lying to get her way, saying awful hurtful things, very messy! She drives me insane! I feel emotionally out of balance…. I hate her one day then love her the next.. the same with being a mom.. I hate it one day then kinda like it the next. I'm currently going to school and working while taking care of the 3 offspring… I had thoughts of giving up today……….:(
Wow. I feel really guilty about some of the thoughts that run through my head from time to time, but after reading some of these posts I don't feel so bad. I don't mean that in a bad way, but there are people who feel WAY worse than I do. I didn't think that was possible. I am in my early 30's and have a seven month old. I didn't really have a life before I got pregnant. My husband and I would do things together but I wasn't a social butterfly who went out to clubs and had something to do every single weekend. But at least I had that option and when we did do something we could do it in peace. My husband tries to stay at home with me (when he has offers to do other things) because I think he feels guilty that I don't have a lot of friends (as I don't know many people outside of work). I try to encourage him to get out because I don't even like to bother going places because you have to pack up the whole house in order to go (although we do things as a family quite often). I sometimes feel jealous because I want to get out with friends and feel free. I feel HORRIBLE for feeling this way but it's the truth. Part of the problem is I have had a rocky marriage for the past several years, and having a child just took the cake.
I feel so guilty because all I ever wished for was to have a child and we didn't think it would happen. I have never been the type to drool over babies or kids in general, but I have always wanted my own. I love him dearly. He is the sweetest baby and is truly beautiful but having a child is so much work. I feel like I NEVER have time for myself anymore. I work full-time and all I do is go to work, come home, take care of my son, go to bed, and do it all over again. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I have always hated repetition so it's no surprise that this is killing me. My husband is a HUGE help. He is very involved for the most part. He is not lazy when it comes to our son. But it seems as if I spend more time caring for the baby overall. When he decides he doesn't want to be so involved he has that option. I don't seem to get that option. I don't get the 30 minute alone time before everyone arrives home (some days he works late and some days he beats me home).
I could go on and on but I won't. I am just … tired. I feel defeated. One day I was so frustrated I imagined what life would be like if I just walked away and never looked back. My heart would never let me do such a thing but it was fun thinking it. My house is a mess. We have no real consistency and it hasn't been 'properly' cleaned since he's been born. We just do what we have to when we have to. I am always glad to see his smiling face when I pick him up from daycare, but soon the reality hits that the rest of the evening is going to go down hill. From the time I get in the door until the time I go to bed … I usually don't get much accomplished. I am either playing with him or trying to have some down time in the 5-10 minutes he's occupied with a toy. I can honestly say things have gotten better than when he was first born. I hated waking up every two hours to feed him, change diapers, etc. I absolutely HATED it. I hated fixing bottles. Washing bottles. Now things are better because I don't feel as trapped but obviously still feel trapped to some degree. But with every month he advances there are different challenges. I had no idea being a parent was so hard. No idea! If I could go back into time would I get pregnant? I can't say. Now that's he's here I couldn't imagine him not being around. But the endless job of being a parent is what kills me.
My husband wants another baby but I don't. I know it seems selfish … well maybe it is but at least I'm being honest … I don't want to go through all this again. I don't want to be trapped in the house with two kids. No way! Being a parent is supposed to be a joy and it is in some ways, but I really do dread being a parent some days. There is no way I'd start all over again.
wow, I completely understand. I had my first and it was the same thign, then I had my secnd and let me tell you I love them, can't imagine life without them but soemtimes I wish I could have an adult conversation without being interupted or go out to eat without having to worry about my kids screaming or running around the restuarant. my oldest is 6 and it does get better but my youngest is almost two and he's a mess. can't wait until the youngest is at least 6.
I am with you, Jessica!! I so love my kids (boys ages 2 and 4) but I cannot WAIT until they are older. I hate not being able to go ANYwhere cus they scream, throw fits, don't want to be in carseat, stroller, shopping cart, held, nothing. We can't go to restaurants…what's the point? We can't have people over for dinner cus my kids act like animals when they eat and every night is a lesson in manners. They exhaust me, embarrass me, hurt me, and make me feel like I am a failure. It has never been this bad. I honestly LOVED the baby stage. I loved getting up with the baby (although I nursed). He couldn't go anywhere. He didn't move. Then he started walking and my life was over. Then I had another. I am a shell. A shadow of my former self. I hate it. I hate the food and boogers on me. I hate not even taking a shower without wondering if the kids are up. I hate that I can't even empty the dishwasher without worrying about tehm grabbing things out of it, climbing into it. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I stay at home but boy I wanna go back to work SO bad. I can't take it anymore. I just feel like they're only young once so I will miss out. We don't need the $ so the only reason why I would go back is just to put them in daycare and have someone else deal with them. I already feel so guilty that I am the bitchiest mom ever so then I would have so much guilt. I try SO hard to play with them, read to them teach them things. They DO NOT sit in front of TV all day. We go to church, playgroups, playground, swimming , gymnatsics, we color, playdough, baking, etc. But they are holy terrors and I HATE IT! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?????
you are not alone at all. I have two boys 2 and 5. My 2yr old is ruining my life. He is the most difficult child. He screams constantly and forces me to cry almost daily. I feel as though I never have any time to be w my older child. As I write this my 2yrold is still screaming his way off to sleep. I am a stay at home mom and my husband travels alot for work, many days I dream of having the babysitter over and just not returning. I could never do it b/c I love them so much but I need to be honest some days I don't like them much.
i can totally relate eliza. I hate being a mom. For the same reasons. I have 2 degrees and im at home being a crappy mom to a 4 yr old and 19 month old. and now i acnt finish this email cos of my 19 month old. talk later.
You ever consider discplining them? I wasn't allowed to scream and run around restaurants when I was a kid.
It seems a lot of your problems would be solved with a little old fashioned discipline.
I've already posted here, but today I just need to vent. Don't really know why. The oldest is in school, the youngest isn't really giving me problems, but I feel like I am going to explode. I feel trapped. I would give anything to just be able to get in my car and go somewhere. ALONE! I tried taking a bath and my son kept coming in wanting to help or needing to use the bathroom. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is mine. I have to leave the house to be myself, to find myself. Otherwise I am just a maid, a cook, a soother, a discpliniarian, everything that I am really not. Today I would give anything to unchoose this life. :(
I just do not understand why people think that staying home is such an honor. I love my family but I do not love there dirty laundry and messes all over the house. I know they love me and want me to be happy but I have ALWAYS worked. My reason for being home is not because I choose it right now. It is because in this economy I am having trouble finding work like everyone. Yet everyone talks to me as if I am a stay at home wife and mother by choice. Then when I explain that isn't it at all they get all upset about it. I just wish everyone would openly support me in my decision to be a working Mother instead of make me feel like I am a terrible person for wanting something that is my own.
Wow, this website is making me feel so much better. I thought I might have been the only one who feels trapped and exhausted. I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old and am going back to work in 2 weeks after 4 months of maternity leave. I think it's totally noble to work and raise kids and I can't wait to have some time to myself. Staying home with the kids is the hardest thing in the world and I wouldn't wish it on anyone who didn't choose it. Going to work is like a vacation compared to staying at home. Good luck– hope you can find a job soon and have some sanity.
I feel the same way. I love my kids but I dont want my kids sometimes or alot of the time lately. I never even wanted kids. And then I ended up with two. And I love them and take care of them, but this is not the life I wanted. I loved working and now I am a stay at home mom. I hate it but I feel guilty going back to work just so some daycare can raise my kids. I just want to run away, but I cant and I will tough it out with hope that maybe one day I will be happy again.
Not sure if being unhappy should be an option. I believe you can be a Mom and work as well. I worked when my first daughter was a baby and she is now 15 years old. If asked she will tell you I am the biggest influence in her life even though I worked. Some Mom's just need to go to work then after work we miss our kids and therefore cherish every moment. Makes me a better Mom. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that. We can't all be the perfect 50s Mom. Good Luck!! I hope you will be happy sooner that you think.
I feel the same way. I would kill anyone who hurt my kids, but at times I don't like them either. I hate that I am the one left with them even though she wanted them and I just agreed to be the "vessel". I hate that I am in love with someone but we split up partially because of their "teenage" attitudes. I hate that I have no freedom to go anywhere or do anything without always thinking "what about my kids"….I want my life that I never got to have.
Just signed up and went to first parenting class. Its free they offer 2 hours a week and free babysitting in nursery. Free food, gas cards for each visit, peers with the same children problems, and free food for me and my kiddos. This is not class is 16 weeks, once a week. When its over I am so gonna want to die. But for now I think I am in love with this parenting class!
I am a Army wife and I have 2 boys ages 2 & 8months also expecting another! I wouldn't say the last two were mistakes, but they were definitely not planned. I struggle everyday I get so depressed and would just cry and wished it all away! I love my boys I really do, but they really know how to get under my skin and most of the time I know it's not on purpose. My youngest has really stressed me out I can't even put into words I get so angry and by the end of the day I am angry with my husband and causes us to fight a lot. I don't know what I am going to do with 3 kids I really don't I am so scared and sad. All I ever wanted to be was a mom, and now I just don't feel I should have been. My family lives 1000miles away, because we are stationed in a different state AND THAT makes even harder. I am glad I can get this off my chest I don't feel like I can tell anyone how I feel without being a bad mom.
I know just how you feel. I had 3 right in a row.. its important to get out of the house. I know its hard. But get a routine. I was angry at my 1st. He was 18 mos and never took a nap. I was so tired. He was so happy and full of energy. I would just be mad. He was up at the crack of dawn. And my 2nd was up late. I never got sleep. My husband would yell at me because he had to go to work in the morning. Yeah… well so do I! Then #3 came. Thank god he was easy! But what saved me was getting out of my house. I'm scared I would have lost my mind if I didn't.
I just want to send a word of encouragement to all the mums. I have to girls, one is 7 and the other 1 and half. They are the most beautiful girls, but like everyone I feel exhausted some times. I'm thinking of looking for a job now and I don't think anyone should fell guilty trying to have their one life. I worked when my oldest was a baby and in no way I felt that I neglected her.
If professionally and personally you fell that you need to work, so you should really go for it.
What I sometimes find more difficult is the fact that I'm far away from my family so there is really no help or support in that matter.
It is funny how little thing like being alone, not worrying about the baby or the pram, climbing stairs in shops, having a shower, going to the gym and so on can become so important.
I love my children and although is hard work, they are and will always be my love and pride.
I have four teenagers and there is nothing worse! It's been hard, hard as anything, and it just seems it's never going to get easier. I honestly wish I never had kids. Of all th abuses I've lived through, my own children take the cake. They are cruel. I don't want to be here, anymore. I wish there was a home for run-away Moms. My poor husband is the sweetest, how could I do that to him? Stuck
I would totally "mortgage" my house to go to that home for Run away moms. Amazing how there are places for, abused moms, addictions. There is a place to go for help after the "offenses" but no where to go to avoid them. No safe space for us.
Since it is obvious that being a mom is not the idyllic experience that we, as women, are led to believe, why is the myth of motherhood as some blissful experience still out there? I am so glad that this is a space where everyone can be honest about the ups and downs, the positive and negative experiences, and the happiness and loneliness that comes with being a mom; but, I think that it would be even better if it would be acceptable to share these feelings in real life. I think that being honest about the complicated nature of motherhood would help not only mothers, but also provide husbands/fathers/partners with more realistic expectations, and even those thinking bout having children for the first time. Any thoughts?
I hate being a mum today!!! I have 2 kids, a girl 4 and half and a boy 19 months. Im divorced now too(not really intially my choice – who chooses divorce??) so not only do I have them myself but when I dont have them (they do go to their dads) all my pals are happily in family land and my single pals are not always available when I am and envy the cuteness but maybe not practicalities of small children and the limitations.
I feel like running away to the circus!! I miss travelling, eating out, cooking proper meals, full nights sleep, walking with no pram, nappy bag, snacks, moaning, screaming kids and then pretending its the 'best job in the world'
My neighbours complain about the noise (yeah, like i wanna hear it at 5am either?!!!! here adopt one!!)
i work two days a week which keeps my sanity and income flowing but feel like its a never ending hell with small moments of heaven that was almost none of my choosing??? what the fcuk happened???
you can probably tell Im having a bad day!! The myth of children being constantly and consistantly fulfilling needs to be squashed in the media, in our heads and to our own children.
Its a very bad day here… bring on wine o clock!!
Yes…don't have children. Get a cat, pitbull (at least once they attack you you are expecting it because that is the nature of the beast).
Recently at work I said something like "having lots of kids is fine if you really love kids…." and one mom with 3 kids totally jumped on it "if you really love kids??"
What does that tell you about the mentality? I had to say something like "poor choice of words" but it really wasnt. It was the truth.
People automatically assume that if you dont want kids youre an abuser, totally neglecting the fact that people that have the kids and forcing them to go through their process to become "unselfish" is pretty much abusive.
Thats not directed at the majority of moms on here that hate being a mom but are GOOD MOMS. Its directed at the people that misrepresent motherhood and the ones that lie about how rewarding it is.
This may seem a bit harsh for a Mother to say but F**K those that believe we can't do anything but Mother our children. We are so much more than that. Who agrees?
Back with more comments:
I agree with Riley and cannot understand why this myth (of motherhood being a blissful experience) is still around. Like anything else in life there are ups and downs. There are good days and bad. But blissful? No. I also agree with the person who said people really shouldn't have kids if they aren't ready to give up their body and their mind. It really is difficult to take care of your own self, let alone someone else who is completely dependent on you.
Here lately, I have been trying to slow down and take things day for day. I have trying to get my house in order and keep it that way by picking up before I go to bed. I am learning to accept it is what it is. But it aggravates me when we're out and my husband comments on how he just wants one more child. He is one of those who, for the most part, sees this as the best thing in the world … and can't understand anyone who thinks otherwise.
I can remember when I was on maternity leave and my son was about four weeks old. He came home from work and I was sitting on the couch, almost in tears. When I tried to open up about it he said, "How can you feel like that about your own child? You're not supposed to feel lke that!" All I said was I was tired and I was sick of sitting in the house everyday. That's it. Now, I think he's finally accepting the fact that I'm not one of those mothers who pretend (some don't but there are many who do) to be over the moon about motherhood. I have noticed the more kids a woman has, the more she says this is the best thing ever.
Last night we saw a woman with three kids. She commented on how cute our son was and said it made her want to have another. I thought to myself, good luck with that! Being pregnant was easy for me (for the most part it was). Having a c-section was very scary but now I'm past it. But the never ending devotion you have to give to a child is a lot. Any wrong decision you make could affect your child. When you're tired there's no time to kick up your heels and read a book. You have to take care of the baby, first. Then when you do have time to do anything you're too tired … or need to be doing something to prepare for the next day.
I, too, wish it was "acceptable" to express your true feelings without being made out to be a monster. Just because some of us are frustrated and tired of being on-call 24/7, doesn't mean we don't love our children. It doesn't mean we want to put them up for adoption or we wish we'd aborted them. I just means we are human. We want to have a life. We want to feel whole again.
That's all folks.
I hate my brother in law and sister in law, in fact, all my hubby's family lives here. My family is 6 hours away. I am here ALONE. I have a 3 yr old son, no one helps me, hubby works 60 hrs., a week. With one night off a week, his bro invites "you want to come over for burgers and watch the game?" does that include ME?! NO! What about my time with my husband. What about me doing bath and books/bedtime 7 days a week 365 days a year. How many PBJ sammies must I make?!
It seems like all the mom friends I have have other friends and never want to 'get together'. All I do is go to the gym, grocery store and shuffle the 3 yr old to childrens museum, bore! zoo, major bore! parks n rec classes. I am so sick of it. I am lost at who I am. What I want to do? What is it that would make me happy? What is happiness?
I'm glad I googled this and found this blog, I thought I was the only one who walks around with a fake smile, fake attitude and swallows the constant sadness that reaks on the inside.
OMG!! I don't know what happened to society. When I had my first daughter almost 16 years ago and went back to work no one said anything. Now all of sudden I want to go back to work since my second daughter is 5 months and everyone says "What you don't love your children?". What is this 1955? I was raised to be in the workforce and be competitive. It is hardwired into my DNA. Without I become very depressed and don't even want to care for my children at all. Some people just need to work. I wish the rest of the world would stop trying to change my mind. It will never happen anyways.
I'm so glad I found this website. I'm a divorced single parent and I'm only 20. I hate the fact that single fathers are called that! They're only in the picture when they visit other than that they r free to do as they please. I'm going nuts with my 11 month old. Sometimes I just want to yell at him for dropping something. Or just ignore him when he cries. I start to think my god wut the **** did I get myself into. I love him so much. He's an organic baby. I still breastfeed and I make his food. I always get the ur such a good mom and on the inside I feel like crap cuz I don't feel like a good mom. I wish I would've lived my life the way I wanted. Instead I stay at home everyday with my son. And his dad complains that he needs space. Like seriously space from wut! Ur crappy job!! And then he'll tell me to get a job. Ha please I have a job and its 24/7 . He has no idea how good he has it! I have worked since I was 6 months pregnant and I can't stand it n e more. Then to top it off my son can only b around 3 other ppl besides me. Which is his dad my mom and nana. It drives me crazy! I feel a lot better now that I have let this out. Do any of you have any tips to relax when ur child stresses u out?
I have a correction on my post. I haven't worked since I was 6 months pregnant.
It's frightening to become a new mother. Unfortunately I figured out that I didn't like it after the baby was born. I left her at six months with her father.
Nonetheless this experience has ruined my life – body, looks, finances and lifestyle.
I don't know how I can get over it unless I move to another city.
I am 27 yrs old n a mom of 3! I never get 2 leave my house because we only have 1 vehicle. My husband is a cop n is never home. We've been married for 8yrs. We haven't had the best relationship at all. He got cancer n 2006 and n 2007 he was cured n then cheated on me with a much younger girl,19! Then I gave him another chance then n 2008 he cheated again and left me n moved n with a girl! I got pregnant then we decided 2 try again then n 2009 he took a girl on vacation while I was at home with the kids! I hate my life! I love my kids but never wanted kids! I am still with him cuz I have no where 2 go! I think about leaving them all behind everyday because I am so miserable! I don't know what 2 do!!
I'm probably supposed to tell you to hang in there and be strong for your children.
Instead, I'll tell you the truth.
You're young enough to start over. Get away while you can. Your so-called husband has already moved on. At this point, he's using you as a glorified nanny, keeping you around to raise his kids so he doesn't have to.
Free yourself, even if you have to leave your husband and kids behind.
I'm afraid of what people will think of me if I leave my kids and husband. I'm afraid 4 people 2 c how I really feel! I've been on anti depression medicine for 3 years now, 3 different kinds too! I even went 2 a therapist but I have more things wrong with me than depression! I have no friends, I only have my husband n kids but I don't even want them! I don't leave my house unless its with my husband! I was told he is an emotional abuser! I just need help!
You need to do it! GO! I've been divorced for 2 miserable years. My kids are 8,5&2 & they are the most annoying people ever. All they ever do is fight scream break things & make messes. I'm leaving them with their dad next week & moving out of state. You can't worry about what other people think. The deciding factor for me was my kids, they deserve better than an angry mom who doesnt want to be around them.
OMG.. I cant believe you all. I get to that point when i want to leave or dislike being a mom. But i would never admit to hating my kids. If you all hate your kids so much there are adoption agencies or family that would be happy to take them off your hands. Kids even 2 year olds act out because they sense what is going on around them. I found this site looking for adviceon my lazy husband.. and all i see is hate this hate that. Such a terrible mean word. Can you all just say that you hate yourself and not your children. at least if you admit that then you will know where to go to get help. I am not perfect. I have a 3 year old that i have to chase down the street daily. We have to lock all our door with keys. even the bathrooms. And i have an autistic 11 year old.. between the two of them and my Lazy husband i have no life. But i dont hate them. I just want to find out what i can do to fix things.. MAke it better. Im trying to find work. been looking for a year now and nothing. please all the moms that posted on here.. re-read your posts.. you will see how wrong you are.. you cant hate your kids its not their faults.
I did leave my husband and son (8) I was a stay at home mom with him for 6 years. I never wanted kids and my husband did. I felt lots and lots of guilt about leaving. Men do it all the time. ……. I got divorced moved away from them about 50 miles and started trying to remember who I am now…..I am actually a good person. I work pay taxes send care packages to my son and money to my ex ( though not demanded) it was a hard choice to make. And some may say it's selfish. But I had the balls to take my life back. I love my son and think about him everyday, but I did what was right for my mental well being as well as my son….because his dad loves and cares for him dearly ( he AlWAYS wanted kids and dad life). It is possible to switch and have dad take the controls. Good luck to you all!
i have been thinking about leaving a lot lately. i have a 18month old son that i can't stand being around. i put him in full time daycare which helps- but i have such anxiety anytime i have to be alone with him- i know i'm not a good mom and i dont care if i am. i dont even know if i love him. i dont wish harm on him and i dont want him to grow up knowing that i dont love him- so that is why i am thinking of leaving. my only problem is that i'm so in love with my husband. we have a great marriage (besides the fact that he doesnt understand how i can't love our son) he says my choice is to stay with him and my son — or i have to leave and i can't save our marriage. was it hard to leave your husband? were you in the same situation?
What woman doesn't want to feel beautiful, desired, loved, appreciated, sexy, smart, risque? Being the sole provider of children strips you of that. This also applies to married women with husbands that hardly help out.
My daughter is 16 and I have been feeling this way since she was 5!! I am counting down the days until I am no longer legally responsible for her. "What kind of mother feels this way?" One who gave up her life for a child she never wanted in an effort to keep a lie of a family together. One who supported a cheating man and thought he would still take care of his child after he was kicked to the curb. One who feels under appreciated and over worked. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter, I just know the truth about me. I am responsible for her and while I am responsible for her I will dive in head first, but the feelings of wanting my life back have never gone away. I, like most of you, wear the real smile when it's real and the fake one when it's not. She need not know my internal battles, as nothing good could come of that, but I can be truthful with myself.
I just came back from an overnight business trip and did not realize the extent of my stress level. I did not hear the dog bark, or "feed me", "what's for dinner", "can you take me …?", "mom", "mom", "mom"….I actually laughed, spoke to ADULTS, had conversations where I did not have to watch my language, was told how beautiful I was by men and women alike (the compliments were flowing), was offered food and drink on someone else's dime! I do not want her to disappear and I am sure most of you do not either, but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting YOUR time or respect. NOTHING!!!
I am back home now… reality and the drama have begun…
Well I have been really homesick lately.I miss my Dad so much. My Mom moved be half way across the country when I was 15 and I am now 35. I have been trying to go home since she moved me but there was always something or someone stopping me. Lost my job last year after finding out I am pregnant with my second daughter. I am just not a stay-at-home Mom. I have always worked and staying home for a year now is killing me. I have a wonderful husband that loves me with all his heart. However, he can't help much with the baby because he has Fibromyalgia and is in alot of pain all the time. I haven't had more than just a few hours away from the baby a few times since she was born. I feel like I do everything and it is difficult to not resent him because I am so tired. Haven't had a day off for myself in over a year. We had been talking about moving closer to my Dad and other family for the past week and I have been so happy about it. I admit one of the reasons is I will get a break. My husband found this out and now he says it makes him feel uncomfortable. Now he is trying to say it maybe a bad idea. I am so miserable and feel like I am in a prison. I just want to go home. I am so worn down and tired. I need this and he is saying no now. Why can't he understand I am depressed and hate where we are and the way our life is. Since I left home I have been through 2 marriages both ending in divorce and a 7 year battle to get my older daughter back from a jerk ex. I have her now and I am just emotionally strung out. I need my family and home. I need the safety from being near my Dad. He won't be around forever and he missed over half my life because my Mom took me away.
Oh ladies. I am feeling so much love for each and everyone of you right now! I am a single young mother and I'm getting to my breaking point. I had my aughter when I was 19 and evethough I knew in the back of my head that I may have to do this alone( we were together at the time) I told myself I could handle it. WHAT THE **** WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!!!!
I love my daughter dearly don't get me wrong. Those moments when she makes a joke or does something that surpases the intelligence she should have at her age I feel blessed to have her. THen there's the other 95% of the time where I cant stand the kid! I just want to run! run very very far! like forest gump does… just run for years. maybe end up in brazil or some shit and never look back! I lost my youth, my looks, I am in college trying to graduate and I don't think its going to happen until I'm thirty. TOday reading your posts I cried and laughed for the first time in a long time. I am not living my life I am just passing day by day. I hate that I can't go out even to dinner for 1 hr and relax with a friend to catch up. I can't even take a CRAP in peace!!!!!! It's like seriously kid do you really need to be in here!!! I'm having a really bad year not day. If I could go back I ask myself Would I have had her? The answer is no HELL NO! But I did and I'm assuming my responsibilities. My question though is why does it have to be so ******* HARD!!!!!?????
I feel so releived to have found this site. I am turning 40 this month and have a 10 month old. She was a surprise to me and her father, whom I have been with since 1993. His mom and brother live next door and help out daily. I have no idea how I would survive without them. I was a career girl for 20 yrs and lost my job due to the economy, got pregnant while using a condom – so I know God wanted our angel to grace the Earth. I love her more every day, and I also feel like I loose a little bit more of my own identity every day. I cannot say she 'stole' my life – I had lots of time with my boyfriend to have fun b4 we had her, but I did not realize this would be so trying. Her father works a lot so he is unable to help out as much as he would like to. Some days, I just do not want to be around my baby. I cannot take the constant climbing, whining, grabbing, touching, putting everything in her mouth, LOVE ME LOVE ME attitude, needy like a mother f-er, always needs to be the center of attention. I also just described myself. So there is no surprise she has the personality that she does. My own mother was not a 'mommy' in any manner. She cared for me in terms of putting a roof over my head and clothes on my back but was emotionally absent. I am trying my best to break that cycle and be different with my child, and I know that I am. But I would be a liar if I said it is all fun – all the time, b/c it is not. It is work. Some times more than others. I tell myself that I MUST make sure I take care of 'me' b/c if I do not, then absolutely no one else will, and then where does that leave my baby? I have to be well to be a good mother, so I try not to feel guilty about keeping 'me' emotionally, spiritually and physically happy. If u don't take care of u, then u cannot take care of anyone else, bottom line.
I had an emotionally absent mom too. I'm her only child, yet to this day, we barely speak and I feel little connection to her. Build a bond with your daughter now before she resents you in the future, even if you have to get professional help to do so.
Personally, I do not like children and have no plans on having them. No point of bringing kids into this world that I dont want. It's a waste of time and money and the kids will be hurt the most. People think abortion is wrong but I think a child knowing they are unwanted is worse.
I am so relieved to read all of these posts…I could have written them myself. I hate being a mom, especially stay-at-home with 2 kids. I hate my life, the daily grind, constant demands and no "me" time. I have given up my body, my profession, all my freedom, time with my husband, and my entire life for them. If I could go back in time and choose to never have kids, I would do just that. Now I can only be honest about how kids turn your world upside down, and hope that other women make a better choice for themselves.
I agree with Nicky above: people think abortion is wrong, but a child knowing that he/she is unwanted is worse. If more people knew the truth about having kids, there would be (dare I say there "should be") more abortions.
I had two guys break up with me over the years because I did not want to be a mommy. It is very gratifying to read these (although I'm sorry so many moms are so depressed) because at least Iknow I was right to follow my gut feelings about the whole parenthood thing. It just seemed like too much to give up…freedom, money, my sexiness, time with friends, travel….yeah, some say it dooesn't have to change all that much. But I see how my friends with kids live. They are slaves totheir children, at least for the first 5-10 years.their whole lives centers around cleaning up, feeding, clothing and paying for the kids. that's great if you lovethat kind of thing, but i am not someone who thrives on routine. I love my career and I love to travel at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it is lonely, don't get me wrong, but most of the time I am happy. I'd say for the 8% of time that it's difficult or lonely, 92% is really satisfying. I like those stats.
kudos for sticking to your intuition. i'm surprised you even posted on this site. since you're life is so great….
i'm talking to my therapist every week and i'm thinking of moving away. been in the same place for too long and don't like it.
the father of the child supports me in my move.
Thanks for your honesty and your posting. You are right about the 92%-8% thing. You are right about how you see people with kids live…and you are not even there when a kid is screaming in the middle of the night and the parents start yelling at eachother too from the stress and sleep deprivation! Yet you have so much wisdom and I hope you are content with your decisions.
I wish I had, like you, followed my instincts, not believed the "bundle of joy" LIE, and not been influenced by others who said having children was sooooooo wonderful. I wish you much love and FREEDOM in your life. peace to you
i also hate being a mom. i just started too. i am 42 and my daugher is 2. i have no idea how i'm going to support her for the next 16 years. i actually tried to kill myself a year ago and it didn't work.
i feel that she's in the way of my happiness, my career and a potential mate.
i agree with nicky. abortion is not for everyone but for those that don't want to be a mom don't bring an unwanted child into the world. it's not worth it!
I maybe moving home finally. I will have a support system to help with my girls 5 months and 15 years. My husband has Fibromylgia and hurts all the time so he tries to help but can't always. My husbands job is terrible and he only took it due to the economy. We are moving on and out of Florida. Thank God for everything.
Just needed to let it out today. I'm coming down w/ the flu or something but do I get to lay on the couch & be sick–NO WAY. I have to cater to my kids every need, regardless of the fact that I just want to curl up in a ball & sleep. I read these posts where someone says "i love my kids & can't imagine my life without them" and I just want to cry. The truth is, I do love my boys more than anything but I CAN imagine my life without them. It's a wonderful, relaxing, selfish life where I work so that I can have money to travel & experience life in a way you can't with 2 little kids tagging along.
i know what you mean. i miss my single selfish life so much….i hate paying for my child's care and taking care of her, ruining my body and career. i left her at six months old. it's not fair to her to have brought her here and it's not for me….yet i have to support for her for the next 18 years.
i'm planning to move out of country next year which is what i've always wanted to do. i'm tired of making excuses out of fear or age.
the problem is that you can't really runaway from motherhood. it gets under your skin and never leaves.
I completely understand!! I have been with my husband since I was 16 n have never had a single life n had fun n stuff!! I can imagine my life without him n my kids sometimes n when I do I feel awful about it! I want a better life cuz I know the grass is greener on the other side, it has 2 be…anything can be better than this!!
The grass isn't greener. Try to deal with it and find the happiness in what you have! xo
How do I find happiness in what I have? Should I just be a b!tch 4 the rest of my life? My kids never see me happy or even smile!!!
the grass is greener. Don't kid yourself, there are no childfree women who want to switch places with you.
Actually there are lots of women who'd switch places. How they'd feel about it later is another story, might work out for some and not others.
And did I read your comment elsewhere that you're 20? LMAO, I needed the laugh. 20 year old childfreer, lol. Must be a typo. You must have meant 30 or 40 perhaps? Cause at 20 you're not even old enough to drink yet, much less be so opinionated about motherhood.
I wanna add somethin about gettin 2 rest when ur sick…I hate that we don't get 2 but when he is sick I have 2 take care of him 2. I almost died last year havin our 3 child n he didn't bother 2 stay with me at the hospital! I was n 4 a week n he didn't visit or even call! I was there 4 him when he almost died goin thru his chemo n stuf but when it came 2 me, "work" was more important. Ugh, I just don't know what 2 do cuz I can't go back 2 my parents house cuz my dad has lung cancer n he doesn't need me n my kids or just me there! I need friends!!!
can i ask if you're a single mom or married mom?
I am married…why?
I am hoping someone can please help me…I just read through this thread. I am overwhelmed by the honesty you have all shared. So thank you for that. I have been struggling with the idea of having a child for the past 8 years. I am 39 and my husband has made it very clear that he doesn't want kids ever. Aside from him not wanting kids, our relationship is fine. However, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety because I am afraid that if I don't have a child that I will regret it and end up alone. I realize that having kids does not guarantee having company in old age, but it is a very strong urge – this urge to have a child. I am currently on medication for this depression and anxiety. I know it sounds crazy to ask this…I think my hormones are raging…should I walk away from my marriage for the sake of having a child?? I know that you have it so hard with your kid(s), but should I just let the idea of having a kid go and focus on other things? Thank you so much for any words you can offer. I wish I could help ease your pain and I am sorry for the suffering you are all going through.
most of us are envious that you are childfree! hang out with other moms, give them a hand. see if you like it
I understand where you are coming from. There is all this pressure to hurry up and have a kid when you get to an age where you can't keep saying, "maybe later" but having a child out of fear that you will be alone in life may not be the best idea. As you can see, many mothers regret having kids. It is years and years of the hardest work ever and even then there is no guarantee how they will turn out. I think a lot of people want to have a child to fulfill their own needs in some way, so they can have someone to love them or so they can feel "needed" but after they have the child, realize that it is solely about the child's needs ALL THE TIME. After all the years of neediness and clinginess, they turn in to teenagers, still needy but no longer want to be around you and expect you to still care for them (usually with an attitude) and eventually they are off and busy with their own lives. I'm not trying to talk you out of it, there are some great moments in motherhood but in my opinion it does not come close to the amount of work you put in. Understand that it is a completely thankless job and it is not the fantasy society makes it out to be. I agree it is a good idea to spend some time with friends who have children, offer to care for them for a while so you can get an idea of what it's like. Best of luck in whatever you choose.
That's a tough one. The thing is that before I had kids, that was all I wanted, especially when all our friends starting popping babies and raving how it's the most amazing thing, blah, blah, blah. I know that if I didn't have kids, I would feel like I've missed out on the most important part of life. Seems like it's the case with you. So if you choose not to have kids, know that you will forever wonder if you made the right decision. But if you do, chances are you won't regret it. Well… at times you will. But with 1 child (as long as it's not an exceptionally difficult one), it's really hard only some of the time. Once they can go to daycare and school, you'll be ok. You can have your career, nanny, and freedom. I have 4 so I'm trapped. As to walking away from a marriage, that's really tough because what guarantee do you have that you'll meet someone and get married soon. Unless you plan on being a single mom.
Look at all of the posts on this site! See how many women/families, who thought they wanted children, and now we hate our lives and all we sacrifice. I long for those days before kids, the "fun and free" time I call it. I miss the relationship my husband and I used to have. We had kids on purpose…believing the lie about how wonderful it is, enriches your life, blah, blah…. And I have the support of my husband, and it is still insanely difficult and overwhelming. If you do not have his full support, it will be even more difficult! I wish I had read things like this before having kids. I still long for the freedom, my career, my identity.
There are so many other things in life you could focus your time and energy on…so many opportunities to volunteer and be part of making someone's, even a child's, life better. What else pulls at your heart?…homelessness, abused animals, environmental concerns, political advocating…..? I used to volunteer (before kids of course) and I loved it! I wish I could be involved again…but that is impossible now with 2 little kids
Also, if you suffer from anxiety and depression, talk to your health care provider about these issues,and how likely you may be to suffer from post-partum depression. I went through that too and wanted to die, literally. As if having kids is not depressing enough, when I already had that tendency towards depression, it was even worse…such a dark, dark time.
Maybe you all should have thought about this before you got pregnant, huh?
Wow Ariel!!! I did think about it b4 I got pregnant but I didn't think my husband would turn out 2 be so mean 2 me and a cheater! When we first got married he was wonderful! When he became a cop is when he changed!!
I did think about. We were told we were infertile. But even if I hadn't been told that I probably would have tried to have a child. There is no way I would have thought it would be this tough for me. Everybody is different. Some people are just cut out to be mothers. I have friends that motherhood saved them or enriched their lives. My life was pretty damn good before. I love my kids, but I HATE MOTHERHOOD! I admit it I am selfish. I miss getting to do things on my timetable not on someone elses or because it is what I want to do not what my child wants to do. On top of the being responsible for there daily care! Ugh! It is getting better because my youngest is finally fully potty trained. That has helped so much. I'm definitely a better Mom for kids than babies.
((((Hugs)))) to all the Moms on this thread struggling or who are reading it and struggling too.
Wow ariel….. I had know idea that you knew what was best for everyone…..that's great!
Why don't you take your judgmental attitude and go get back up on your high horse. You are the same kind of person that thinks they can't get pregnant " if he pulls out" right?! And also a (gw) bush lover.
To all the ladies that post in here….I LOVE YOU ALL!! and even though I don't know any of you personally ( which apparently Ariel does) you all make me feel okay and not so alone in this crazy world…
And Ariel……go back to wherever you came from sweetie your not needed here, because obviously your above it all and your passing judgement like the"god" you are.
When I got pregnant I was happily married with a husband who promised to love me & be a good father then he walked out & left me with 3 kids all by myself. If I had known this was what I was in for I wouldnt have had them
ariel, many of us did think about it but most people refuse to admit or are scared to admit that being a mom isnt all blue skies and cherry pie. it sucks. i have a 4 y/o and a 7 y/o both are in school all day but my life still sucks. I cant go out when i want, if i dont feel like cooking well too bad for my luck i have to. Maybe you should think before you speak. that sounds like a good idea to me. why are you on this thread? if you dont share our feelings then kick rocks, dont sit here and troll around if this isnt how you feel, then its none of your business.
Mary… you are my best friend! Awesome post!
Ok Thelema…. I didn't say I hate my kids cuz I don't I just hate my life! I have learned u shouldn't say anything til uve been n other peoples shoes!! O n I do hate myself n I'm already seeking help 4 it!!
To the person who said, "Maybe you all should have thought about this before getting pregnant, huh?" and the person who said, "Put your kids up for adoption if you don't want them and hate them, yada, yada, yada!" Whatever. It's easy to sit back and judge others via the internet. It's easy to tell someone what they should be doing or what they should be feeling. But the reality is people feel the way they feel and there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change that. While I can't relate to those who hate their children, I can totally understand the frustration of being a mother and how it affects your life. If anyone has judged my posts it doesn't bother me one bit. At the end of the day my feelings are still my feelings.
Some of the posts on this site break my heart. But, guess what? It's real. Why hide the truth? Some said, "I can't believe some of you admit to hating your children!" Well, what else are they supposed to do? Continue to pretend they don't? I personally feel hiding the truth make it even worse. When people are able to express their true inner feelings it helps them progress to the next step in the healing process. If a person is addicted to drugs and they keep telling themselves and others they are not what sense does that make? When it's all said and done they are still addicted to drugs. I think some of you need to wake up and face reality. Postpartum depression is real. Every week there's a story on the news about a mother killing or harming her child. I am not making excuses for them by any means, but perhaps if someone would have taken a minute or two to listen to her complain and understand where she was coming from – some of those cases would have been prevented.
One thing I think we all need to remember is how one thing affects you may not affect another the same way. Just because your unruly child doesn't bother you, doesn't mean it isn't causing another mother to have a meltdown. If every person could 'think about the affects of having a child before they did it' then there wouldn't be so many children in foster homes and adoption agencies. Does that make it right? No, but that's the reality of the matter. Having a child and being a parent is not like test driving a new car. When you test drive a new car the dealership may allow you to keep it for a week or so, but if you don't like it you can return it with no penalty. With having a child you can't go back. Once you are pregnant that's it and I don't care what anybody says, even if you put your child up for adoption there will always be guilt in the back of your mind. You will always be tied to that child no matter what part of the country you live in. You will never escape the fact that you are a mother.
Well said. I am very well educated in psychology and feelings are never right or wrong, they just are. They need to be accepted and validated. Validation is absolutely the most important thing to our well being. When we are invalidated, we become very depressed.
i was just curious. but i see that you have a husband. i brought a child into the world without one and i'm scared out of my wits.
Don't be scared vh, they don't help much! I do everything on my own.
I have to say that this thread of confessions is saving my life. Today is better than yesterday but I had a huge meltdown. I think that the last straw was reading for the tenth time on facebook from my other mom friends, that they just love and adore motherhood. All I can say is really? really? Because I must be the worst mother on the planet then. Im 33. I have an 8 month old daughter who was wanted, is still wanted, and is very much loved by both her mother and her father. However.
I swear I am going insane. I can't sleep, even though my daughter sleeps through the night. I am exhausted every day, and I can't remember anything. I went from making 6 figures to sitting on the floor 10 hours a day saying Yay! Like every other woman on this site, I feel as though I have become a shell of what I was. I can't even hold an adult conversation anymore. Not that I really ever get a chance to practice. People bought me tons of books when I said I was taking a year mat leave. Now that Im a mom, I think I have been able to get through one magazine in the last 8 months. It seems like I just found out that BP had a major catastrophe. I live in a town of 600 people with the access in and out of town being on an airplane only. It is already winter here with 6 inches of snow. Even if I wanted to go on walk with my child, its pretty much impossible to go out for more than20 mintues. So 20 minutes of prep time, 20 minutes after we get home for a 20 minute screaming ordeal outside. I told my husband I just wanted to crawl under the blankets and never come out. That for the first time in my life maybe I need to be on something to deal with this. I have zero support with the exception of hubby, who sincerely does care and try to help. But Im so angry all the time. Even when he helps Im angry. Im angry about when I have to go back to work .Because even when I go back to work, Scarlett will go to daycare and I will feel terrible about it. Having a child is like running a never ending marathon, even if you love it and kinda just want to stop, it feels never ending. Your body is wasted, your mind is spent and it takes every single piece of will power you can scrape out of your psyche to just get up and face the day again. My mind just never quits buzzing with the worries of being a mom.
Sometimes my husband will say, why dont you go out and relax and I'll take care of our daughter today. Well, theres no where to go, quite literally in this town anyways, and as previously stated, all my mom friends seem to be seriously insane. And the entire time Im out, I'll worry that I should get back, and honestly, a couple hours away really isn't going to make anything better. I need weeks of recovery time.
I don't know, as much as I hate putting her in daycare, it might help my sanity come back when I go back to work. At least there I get a coffee break and don't have to pretend to be thrilled when I get some peace and quite for 5 minutes at a time.
I can see why moms either gain 200 lbs or become alcoholics. Anything to help pass the time and tedium of kids tv, kids colds, kids diapers, conversations, jokes, messes, screaming, crying, yelling fighting etc…..One day I am just going to run away. I never thought this would be this hard. And we wanted and planned for this child. I can't imagine a child being unplanned or unwanted or with a single parent family. I would have run away months ago.
Thankyou to all the women who wrote on this page. It makes me feel slightly more sane to know that Im not the only one out here in lala land wanted to curl up and pass out for a long long time.
you hit the nail on the head more than once!
Yes, you're so right. Motherhood is an 18 year marathon! Well said!!
Wow- it sounds like your town is really unusual. I lived in a cold mountain town when my kids were very young and it was tough. I can't imagine what you are going through with being in a 600 person town and needing to fly in and out via plane. It sounds like that condition alone would be enough to test anyone much less having a toddler to take care of.
My kids are older now at 8 and 10. I know it sounds cliche but it does get so much easier (at least for me) now that they are older. Life gets progressively more normal and sane….ie they help out, don't need constant supervision, get their own snacks, entertain themselves, behave in stores/restaurants, bathe themselves, etc. etc. Those early years (esp. during the long winters) were brutal at times.
All I can say, is try to hang in there. It's so hard at the 18 month stage and considering you live in Antartica LOL!
I read this "Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts" five years ago and it changed my life. She "preaches" that most women are often pleasure and fun starved and then we end up miserable from years and years of martyrdom. The book teaches how to get back to a place of fun, pleasure, and joy. (Three words we moms especially with young kids can swipe from our vocab a lot of the time!) Also, she has a website….Her school is in NYC.
Maybe worth checking out!
motherhood is a cruel joke. options: 1. running away 2. jumping off a bridge
Or drinking lol. Just kidding.
Jules – Thank you so much for your post and your honesty. I feel your pain! I have felt exactly the same way as you so many times! I also feel like a shell of who I used to be. And we did this on purpose too…why does the LIE of the "bundle of joy" continue. Who are these insane women who love this mommy life? I am right there with you…you are not the only one!
Yikes…I think I might have an answer sort of, to that "Who the eff are these women?" because I know a few. The women I know who loveloveLOVE Mommiehood! YAY MOMMIES! Seem to have these qualities in common.(Now this is just from my personal observation…so apply grain of salt where needed…)
Mommies who JUST ADORE EVERY MINUTE of being a Mommie:
*In my social group at least, these are often the women who don't have a strong, passionate, exciting relationship with their husbands/partners. They married or settled down because he is nice, and looked good on paper, and they were at the age where you settle down. They wanted someone to be "the man of the house" and "a good provider"…they were never in a bodice-ripping, passion filled relationship in the first place with the baby daddy.These women I know talk in a blase way about the Dad, and their marriage / relationship DEFINATELY does not come first.
*The delighted Mommie's I am talking about never really had any ambitions, either to climb a moutain, get a PHD or stive forward in a career.The regretful Mom's I know are the ones who had big dreams. Some people like having an excuse not to have to do anything else other than "Be a Mom."
*LOVE BEING A MOMMIES also are more competitive than my laid back Mom's, or childfree friends…the laid back, non competitive ones are the ones who tell you how bloody hard it really is, and let the kid sit in front of sponge bob once in a while. I respect the hell out of them. The Mombies are the ones who post inane piffle like "Tarquin is only six months old and reads Proust!" on Facebook, in order to make everyone else feel like their kid is a simpleton. THOSE women are the ones who say the ADORE Motherhood. Basically, it is a contest. And he who complains first loses. I despise them. Also, see "Not having ambitions for yourself above" as now little Tarquin and baby Satsuma can do that for you.
Just rest assured that they are horrid to one another these LOVE BEING A MOMMIE! persons, people who tell the truth have stronger friendships, and that with every organic spoonful of mush they proudly post on Facebook about, that is one inch closer to losing their entire identity.
(Also…psst…thier husbands are all having affairs. Seriously.)
This post needs to be memorialized somewhere… this is exactly it. You dont have anything better to do, so be a mom. Now that you ARE a mom, never complain or YOU LOSE.
I am in need of a girls nite out sooo bad! I have NEVER had one n my husband gets 2 do whatever he wants!! He doesn't want me going anywhere unless its with him or he approves it!! I hate him!!
Wow. Yes you do need a girls night out. I do it all the time and my husband totally supports it. In fact, he puts his own plans on the back burner just so I can go out and have change of scenery. You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. You're not a slave and you should put your foot down before you really get burned out.
I have talked 2 my husband but he doesn't listen!! He doesn't understand anything n when I try 2 talk, he says " I don't know " 2 everything or " whatever " I'm goin nuts!!! I can't stand anyone or anything!he always works n he never pays any attention 2 me!! Work comes first!! Always has n always will!!! He would never put his plans on the back burner 4 me! His life doesn't have a back burner!!!!
Get a babysitter and let your husband come home and see that you're out. If he's that selfish, you do what you gotta do to put your needs first for once. You'll lose your mind entirely if you don't act soon. Sometimes you gotta be swift and dramatic to get a man's attention. I feel for you.
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HONESTY!!!! i am completely blown away by how courageous all of you are for admitting the feelings you have had and are having now. YOU are the people i have been wanting to talk to. all my friends who are mommies look frustrated and act frustrated almost all of the time and when i ask them how motherhood is they gush and gush about how it is the "best thing they have ever done". really?! i'm not so sure.
growing up i always said that i never wanted kids. i'm not really sure why i didn't want them…i just never had the deep desire to be a mom.
then, i married an AMAZING man who did want kids so i tried for him. i have had 3 miscarriages. each one was so sad and my heart still breaks. however, i have been wondering recently if maybe it was for the best. i don't think i have the "mommy gene". i'm really wondering if i would have ended up resenting the child and my husband. that thought alone brings tears to my eyes. i know that i would LOVE my kids if i had them but i also know that i would despise the life changes.
again, thank you to all you strong women for telling the TRUTH and for being REAL. i wish more people were like you.
I hate, hate, hate my life. I can't stand having kids. I have twin girls who are 9 and a son who is 8. They suck the life out of me. I can't stand them another minute. Why, why why did I have kids? For that matter, why did I even get married. Mistake, all huge mistakes. Why can't I do a do-over
I hear you. I have 8 year old twin girls, a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. I got mad at my mom the other day and said, "why didn't you tell me what it's REALLY like being a mom?" I hate it too. There are good days but mostly I can't stand it. It wasn't like this in the beginning but these past couple of years have been awful. The dirty diaper phase and sleepless nights were a blessing compared to the constant arguing, defiance, school issues, fighting with each other, etc, etc, etc. You're definitely not alone. I want my career and freedom back!!!!
Holy shmolly, I only came here cause I was looking up advise for my sons behavior. I am a single mom, my son was not planned for, I have sacraficed everything for him, I love him to no ends, I am comfortablly poor, but my rent is paid, we eat good and even go out once a week. my gosh, I think many many woman here are very very depressed, I admit parenting can be hard, difficult, and annoying, but really the strongest level of disconnection is hurd that none of your needs are being met. Get creative, love your self, love God, let God love you, take care of you, see the beauty in the little things, be inspired with little things. Goodness, I can see the baby blues, I had that too, its super hard to get through, good days, bad days, but it gets better, the more you hate your self and hate your children the more hate you are creating in the world and the next generation. Your kids will all suffer from internal low self esteem. Get your bearings together, ……… Im so sad you are all so sad, and its horrible to see whats its going to do to the next generation of kids.
1-What "gets better"?
2-I am glad that you love this life of "sacrificing everything" and are happy. I hope you find the help and support for the behavior you were looking for.
3-Please accept that many mothers do NOT love sacrificing our whole life.
4-Please do not continue the LIE that having children is wonderful. For many women, it is the wrong choice!
Wow, bitter much?
"4-Please do not continue the LIE that having children is wonderful. For many women, it is the wrong choice!"
It is not a "LIE", there are some people out there that *gasp* actually enjoy motherhood.
I'll admit that it is difficult. It's a difficult, demanding job. It's not all smiles and sunshine. You deal with lack of sleep, cleaning up poop, being puked on or pissed on, dealing with a SCREECHING toddler that will not calm down in a public place… It's is very very difficult.
You do not get a break from it, ever. You are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Not everyone is cut out for it, and certainly not everyone is going to enjoy this kind of life. Those people, perhaps, should have considered something other than the typical life script. Nobody is FORCING you to have kids. We have all sorts of birth control options to prevent kids as well.
I disagree, however, that in having kids you must sacrifice who you are as a person. It may change, you may redefine yourself, but you are still an individual. You're just an individual that has children now. Kids grow up, they stop needing you all the time. It is important to remember who you are during this time.
To people with toddlers: These years are short and fleeting. Before you realize it your 3 year old will be 8, and then 18. I hate to be blunt but suck it up. You signed up for this when you had kids, but this state of having to be constantly vigilant will pass. Enjoy your child. Enjoy his curiosity, her wispy hair against your cheek and the fact that he still needs mommy cuddles.
When you're watching her car pull out of the driveway as he heads off to college you'll wonder what happened…
I am so tired of the "enjoy them now, they grow up so fast" attitude. My response is always: "well, if you miss it so much, you are welcome to deal with my 1-year old who still gets up screaming at least once, ususally 2-3 times, during the night".
NO MOTHER I have said this to honestly wants this life of sleep deprivation back. "I don't miss that part", or "you just miss the good times" has been a common answer.
Oh really? Well I wish other moms would stop telling me how much I will miss this, when they do NOT miss it themselves!!
I also want to say things like "I will gladly change shirts with you…I would love to wear a clean one. If you miss this so much, you can wear my shirt that has drool and crusty toddler food on it."
Did anyone have a baby and think it would never grow up?? Does anyone really want to have a helpless baby that is 100% dependent on you for the rest of your life?? Really? You are suprised that your children actually grow, mature, and become adults? I can NOT understand why that is so shocking and sad!!!!!!!!
I'm a teen mom…Got pregnant when I was 17 and had the baby 4 days after my 18 birthday. He's 20 months now. My parents wanted me to have an abortion but the other grandparents wanted me to keep him. My son is surrounded by so many people who love him…we live back and forth between grandparents houses. I don't know if it makes it easier or harder to have the grandparents around all the time. They always have such WONDERFUL advice about how to parent. But yet I'm the only one who truly disciplines him… When he cries they take him away from me. It makes me feel horrible, like i'm a bad parent who can't console my child. They're constantly concerned about my schedule and all in my business… I go to school full time and I work part time. I appreciate living at home because when it comes down to it I NEED to live at home. I couldn't afford to be on my own.
Everything about being a mother is overwhelming. How do you function properly when you can't fall asleep until midnight or later?…then your sleep patterns are inconsistent between your sons waking up time and nightmares. And then you have the grandparents who wake up too at 3 am to try to help when really they just wake your son up even more…
The fact that I can't afford to care for my child just makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I have no choice but to let his grandparents have their way.
Its so upsetting to know that your son is so spoiled that he knows if he refuses to eat dinner, he'll just get ice cream instead. I HATE IT OH MY GOSH….
I swear he could be so different if there were different circumstances… I regret having a baby so young. I should have thought it through more…=\
I think about giving up or running away all the time but then again his grandma may just beat me to it and run away with my son…you never know…she's already jokingly mentioned it.
This website made me feel a lot better knowing that I'm not crazy for being an unhappy mother. I'm not the only one out there.Thanks.
Thank you for posting this. This addresses a lot of those people who say that family helps, but theres a huge down side to that as well.
You posted this in 2010. I hope things are better.