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mad men
Split Screen: The Return of Mad Men
Our entertainment editor and his wife love pop culture—but they don't always see eye to eye.
Mad Men Recap: Sorry, But Happiness Isn't on the Menu
Don Draper has grappled with his own definition of happiness for Mad Men's seven seasons, and in last night's premiere, the battle rages on.
Mad Men Is Back—And With it, the End of Great TV Dramas
The end of Mad Men is not the end of TV, but rather the end of a particular era for the medium.
Week's Best Trailers: M. Night Shyamalan's New TV Show Kind of Looks Good
Without a true Titan in the mix recently, a small herd of festival darlings, documentaries, indie ventures, and TV projects are dominating this week's best...
WIRED Binge-Watching Guide: Mad Men
If we're talking about alcoholism and adultery, then we can only be talking about an epic binge of one show: Mad Men. Here's how to...
This Week's Best TV: Mad Men on the Moon and Julie Andrews' Nude Scene
Television is such a fickle companion. One week you're awash in clips filled with LuLz, and the next, everyone's gone off air until next season....
Mad Men Recap: See You On the Dark Side of the Moon
What makes "Waterloo" one of Mad Men's finest hours is the way it delivers all that catharsis, yet still questions what happens to it after...
For Today's 'Mad Men,' It's Nerds Who Rule, Not Drapers
As so much advertising moves onto the internet, more and more of it is being managed not by Don-Draper-style ad execs but by techies--people who...
Mad Men Recap: The Strange Family Don, Peggy, and Pete Built
It's not just the new Burger Chef advertising angle—It's damn near a mission statement for the whole series.
Mad Men Recap: Everyone Has a Problem With Authority
"The Runaways" is an episode with an unrelenting focus on authority—who has it, who wants it, who wants to defy it, and who believes they've...


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| Syazwani Hj Rosli |
MORE than 7,000 young participants full of exuberance were seen yesterday energetically performing during a rehearsal ahead of the 31st National Day celebration, which will take place at the Taman Haji Sir Muda Omar 'Ali Saifuddien on February 23.
Based on the theme, 'Generasi Berwawasan' (Generation with a Vision), the rehearsal included a march past by uniformed personnel, government officials, representatives of the private sector, youth organisations, foreign associations as well as students from several schools.
The practice which involved students from various educational institutions across the country, performed field shows and dance routines with a high level of spirit and liveliness, flooding the whole field with vibrant colours.
On hand to oversee the rehearsal were the Minister of Culture, Youth and Sports, Pehin Orang Kaya Pekerma Laila Diraja Dato Seri Setia Haji Hazair bin Haji Abdullah; Deputy Minister of Culture, Youth and Sports, Datin Paduka Hajah Adina binti Othman and other senior officials of the Ministry of Culture Youth and Sports.
Before ending the rehearsal, the Minister of Culture, Youth and Sports, took the opportunity to congratulate participants for their impressive performance and dedication towards ensuring the event is a successful one, however, he highlighted that there are still a few adjustments that could be pursued to further improve the show.
The minister expressed his satisfaction that the series of national day rehearsals have triggered strong feelings of patriotism and hoped that the showcase in front of His Majesty the Sultan and Yang Di-Pertuan of Brunei Darussalam and the royal family will be truly felt in their hearts and minds.

subset: commoncrawl


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SZ11 Harald Hardradda's Varangian Guard
Rather fancy Varangain Guardsmen to accompany Harald, Captain of the Varangian Guard, into battle.
You can also field them as regular (if rather show-offy) Varangians in your Byzantine Warband or as Jomsvikings.
Sculpted by Robi Baker & Soaps.
Awesome paint jobs on these examples by Darren Linington.
Supplied with appropriate separate weapons and shields and plastic bases. Weapons provided may not be exactly as pictured.
Spears not supplied. Supplied unpainted.
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Gripping Beast are manufacturers and retailers of 28mm wargames figures & accessories. We have been going over 15 years and are currently based at Beast Towers in Evesham.
We cover a wide range of historical periods, from Ancients through to Modern, although we only produce figure ranges which interest us. This approach ensures that we get high quality, historically accurate and complete ranges that we are are proud to sell and that our customers can buy into with confidence.
As one of our major loves is the Viking Age (just look at the range of figures & accessories we do for the period!) we are especially proud to be working with our good chums at Tomahawk Studios on the SAGA ruleset and supplements and we make the official SAGA miniatures range.
We are keen supporters of the hobby side of things and as well as supporting tournaments and campaign days around the world, especially SAGA Melee events, we also run the Official UK SAGA Melee. If you are interested in attending, keep an eye on the Events section of the News area as these events are very popular and places go fast!
Gripping Beast Ltd Unit 8
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$5.99 to $7.49
$6.99 to $7.49
Bamboo® Collapsible Pet Travel Bowl is collapsible, durable and non-porous. Top rack dishwasher safe. Read More
Bamboo® Collapsible Pet Travel BowlPortable, great for travel, parks and walks. Collapsible, folds down to less than 1/2". Durable, non-porous silicone. Made of FDA compliant materials. BPA and PVC free. Top rack dishwasher safe.
Colors may vary.
Sizes: 1 Cup (8 oz) or 3 Cup (24 oz)
- Material: Silicone
- Brand: Bamboo
- Size: 1 Cup (8 oz),3 Cup (24 oz)
- Type: Travel
Reviews (2)
"Great for travel"
I ordered this for our Lab who goes on trips with us. I have a "waterboy" also I use, but this stays in the vehicle. I use it when we stop for "walks", since he drinks a lot of water. It's easy to open, fill and then fold back up.
"excellent item"
I take my dog to the park everyday and must bring water for her. I don't like the bottles with the bowl attached because you have to hold them so the dog can drink. Also the folding fabric bowls don't dry fast enough for you to stick them in your pocket after you water your dog . I ordered the one cup size which is perfect for my german pinscher and when she done it drys real fast and I can collapse it to fit perfectly in my pocket and continue my walk.I love it and am ordering another one. The only thing I didn't like is they don't give you a color option at this point. maybe in the future they will offer that but now they just send you whatever they have.
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Pasadena, CA
Experienced Math and French teacher, tutor, and homeschooling mom50/hour
...1st grade but can become excellent readers later. I love to read to and with children, have kid-tested strategies for teaching phonics. I'd love to help you or your child grow in confidence and skill in... read moreSee Tutors Like This


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France Genealogy
|France Research Topics
|Beginning Research
|Record Types
|France Background
|Local Research Resources
Guide to France ancestry, family history, and genealogy: birth records, marriage records, death records, census records, family history, and military records.
Country Information
France is a country in Western Europe bordered by Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Monaco, Spain, and Andorra. The French Republic was established in 1792. The official language is French.[1]
Getting Started
Getting Started with France Research
Links to articles on getting started with France research.
France Research Tools
Links to articles and websites that assist in French research.
France Clickable Map
Click on the specific department name either on the map above or the list below to access the FamilySearch wiki article for that department.
Today France is divided into 96 departments, plus 5 overseas departments. This number has changed over the years, in 1790 there were 83 and at the height of Napoleon's reign there were as many as 130. Records are kept on the town level, but one needs to know in which department the town is located.
Note: The numbers in parentheses following the department name correspond to the numbers on the map above. Territoire-de-Belfort does not have a number on the map; it is located immediately below Haut-Rhin (68). The (1) on the map corresponds to the Paris area shown on the left inset. The final five departments listed below are overseas not shown on map above; their FamilySearch wiki pages may be opened by clicking on the names.
Historic Provinces and their Capitols
French Oversees Territories
Many of the records of the French overseas territories are on-line at Les Archives nationales d'outre-mer, literally The Overseas National Archives.
More France Research Strategies
Research strategies give guidance on how to research or what records to search for first. Below are additional research strategy wiki articles for France.
- Finding Records of your Ancestors in France 1792 to 1880
- Getting Started
- What's the next step?
- Finding your ancestor in the records
- Germans from Russia - to locate German-speaking French citizens of Alsace-Lorraine
More France Research Tools
Research tools can include resources that assist in locating correct records to search and determining the correct locality to search in. Below are links and Wiki articles to research tools in France.
- France Records Websites
- France Letter Writing Guide
- France Research Outline - Created by FHL, contains many out-of-date links
- French Archives Online
- French Republican Calendar
- Gallica: The French "Library of Congress"
- Military records from the WWI Era 1887-1921 online
- GeneaNet
- GeneaWiki
- France Genealogy Links
- French Genealogy & Family History
- Cyndi's List: France
- Genealogy and Family History in France
- Online records for Algeria - in French
FamilySearch Resources
Below are FamilySearch resources that can assist you in resourcing your family.
- Facebook Communities - Facebook groups discussing genealogy research
- Learning Center - Online genealogy courses
- Historical Records
- Family History Center locator map
- ↑ Wikipedia contributors, "France," in Wikipedia: the Free Encyclopedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/France, accessed 23 March 2016.


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Author has written 6 stories for Fruits Basket, and Inuyasha.
Updated September 24,2006
Hey there everyone! Welcome to Sky-BlueImmortals profile page! Heres where you can learn a little bit about me (which isn't all that exciting) but also stuff about my stories and when new things will be coming. Also, i have some kool new features at the bottom, where you can read about some kool Animes that are out there and Mangas that you might not have heard of before! So enjoy!
~~~~~Updates! Everything new will have a few dashes by it! or updated!~~~~~~
Love is More than three Words chapter 21 up! Title: The End of the Beginning
~~~((Quick note: Who are You is an old story i wrote and put it recently on this account. If you see it on Supergrl26, that is my other account. I didn't steal it from someone else, lol))
~~~Important info- hey everyone! Well school sucks...its not to hard but man does it DRAG ON! so its got me kinda preocupied...im sorry! . ill try and update when i get free time so please dont hurt me!
Here is some random stuff about me...o.0
Name: Elody James (like Melody with an E)
Well that was kinda random. Anyway, there is some random stuff about me...
Thank you all so much!
Thank you all so much for reviewing me! i am so greatful :D
Love Is More than Three Words
This is a story about Yuki and Kyo's feelings toward Tohru. They will go to see Akito about it, but Akito is not to happy about their confessions of love.
I completed this story and now the sequel is out, but here is what had happened sorta the last remaining chapters.
So far Kyo has confessed something to a certin someone, and now things have gone hay-wire. Akito, being the evil head of the family he is, has now sentenced Kyo to something close to death. But what is this! his true form attacking someone? GASP! and what is this? Someone tryed to brake the curse! and DIED? Ah, and who is this? Aktio of course, has he finally let Tohru in on the secret? And is it true its really because of Kyo? Will be awake from his coma!
What If
A new story i thought of kinda randomly. I sat in my bed just thinking bout fruits and what i would like to do with myother story and this came to me! lets see...so far in the story Tohru has woken up to see that her parents are alive! So are Kyos!
What was to Be
Forgotten Memories of You
Hey Everyone! this is the newest part of my profile where i'll talk about some Mangas i've found or what is REALLY good out there! (haha, eveyrthing is really good, but these are just the ones ive found so far...)
Fruits Basket- Fruits Basket volume 14 has been released, Kureno is on the front cover. This volume i haft to say was definitly interesting, as all Fruits Volumes are, but you get to finally undertsnad why Rin is the way she is and her story. There are a lotof Yuki and the student council, and you learn a little bit about 2 of the members. Kyo is in it a little bit, but not at all much, sorry Kyo lovers! I to am saddened, but it is high time Yuki had his spot in the sunshine! Kyo should be more in volume 15, hopefully.
Bleach- It is about a boy named Ichigo Kurosaki who has the power to see ghosts. He mets a woman Rukia who is a Soul Reaper, whom helps the ghosts "pass on" to the Soul Society. Volume 14 is out and Bleach will be appearing on Cartoon Network on September 9 in english!
DramaCon- Ah! SOOO FUNNY! my friend lent me this Manga, which i believe was made in Canada or something like that. It is about a girl who goes to her first anime convention. There she meets a good looking guy by the name of Matt. This is such an awesome Manga that will have you lauging till the VERY last page and on! Number two is said to be released on October 30.
This is where i'll talk about some other Animes you guys should check out that are AWESOME!
DNAngel- A story about a boy named Daisuke (sounds like Diceka) whose family are phantum theifes! They are under a curse (or i guess you could call it that) which takes affect when the male member of the family turns 14. When he reaches that age (the age of LOVE! Lol) and sees his "secret maden" he turns into the natorious Dark Mousy! (i spelt his last name wrong) Very good touching Anime when some laughs and love! and even FIGHTING!can be found on either DVD or Manga. (7 DVDs)
Please Twins!- A story about a guy named Makiu who is an prhen. His only belonging that the orphanage gave him was a photograph of a little boy and a girl in a kiddy pool, he is the little boy but the girl he doesn't know who it is, is it a Relative or a Stranger? The house behind them he ends up buying, and to his surprise like a little while after he buys it, a beautiful young woman comes to his door saying that they were twins! but whats this? Another young woman saying the same thing! the MADNESS! Lol, its fantastic and full of laughs! Can be found only on DVD.
Inuyasha- This is a pretty popular Anime and Manga, but if you haven't heard of it yet, i'm here to tell you about it! Inuyasha is about a half dog demon boy by the name of Inuyasha (around the age of16-17). 50 years ago (In Feudal Times) Inuyasha was pinned to a tree (known later as the Sacred Tree) by the priestess Kikyo. Now the whole show is manley focused not only on the characters but an object, that of the Shikon no Tama, or Shikon Jewel. The Shikon Jewel was made from the soul of a VERY powerful priestess named Madoriko.(sp) Anyway, after Madoriko died (which will be explained sometime in the second season i believe) It was intrusted to the priestess Kikyo. (her name will come up a lot when someone talks of the Jewel) Skipping on, after Kikyo pinns Inuyasha to the tree, she ends up died from large wounds she obtained from "Inuyasha" She claimed that he betrayed her, and for that she pinned him to the Sacred Tree, which also put him in a spell that would keep him asleep forver. Before Kikyo dies she tells her sister to burn the jewel with her body, and so the sister who is about 6 or 7 (her name is Kaede) does what her sister wanted her to do. Now heres where the story really beings. In the presnet (Our time) A girl named Kagome Higarashi ends up falling into her familys well (they own a Shrine) and somehow after falling into it (she was actually dragged by a demon known as Mistress Centiped while looking for her cat, which her younger brother Sota said was stuck in the well) she fights the demon by somehow using a strange light in her hand. Anyway, she ends up in Feudal Japan where she is again attacked by Mistreee Centiped. She runs and runs and soon comesto the un conscious Inuyasha, where she plays with his ears (she loves to do this) and somehow ends up waking him from the spell Kikyo had placed upon him 50 years before. All in all, the Jewel was somehow inside Kagome and ends up coming out after a demon bites her side and she ends up braking the jewel with an arrow (you'll haft to see or read to see how) After smashing the Jewel thousands of "Shards" are skattered all over the place, and so Inuyasha and Kagome team up to go find them all and piece back the Skikon Jewel. Along the way they met Miroku, a lecherious Monk who has a wind tunnel in his right hand, (when he opens it, it is like a LARGE vacuum consumming eveyrhting in sight) Sango who is a demon slayer on a questto avenge her now dead Father, Brother and village, and Shippo a young fox demon all alone in the world. Their journey is not all fun and games but very treterious. But the best part is that they all have one common enimie, the demon Naraku. He is the reaosn for all the deaths i have mentioned, and for some decet! Its an AWESOME anime, they have MANY volumes out in DVD and many Magas are available, both in color or not.
FullMetal Alchemist- Also a very popular Anime out there now, and also a very good one. FullMetal Alchemist is about two boys by the names of Edward and Alphonse Elric. At a young age they began to practice the science of Alchemy. (where you turn things into other things, sorry for my poor description, its 2 in the morning...lol) Their father left them and their mother as well when they were young, but they don't seem to really mind since they are more connected to their mother. Anyway, one day as the boys (Edward being 7 and i believe Al is 6) come home they notice their mother lying on the floor not moving, and so they call for help. It ends up she has lost the will to live (im pretty sure) or has been sick for a very long time. (she missed her husband so much it killed her i think) anyway, she always was very happy when Ed and Al did Alchemy becuase it reminded her or her husband and so she always encouraged it. After the mother died Ed and Al went all over the world with an Alchemy teacher, trying to learn things so they can bring her back. So once they return home (about 2 or so years later) They know the basic formual to creating a human, all they need is to resorect the soul. Now, what they are doing is illegal to the science of Alchemy they must "exchange something of equel value" which is the basic law of Alchemy, but Al and Ed don't have what it takes to resorect their mother. While trying to bring her back, Al ends up being sucked intoa hellish void thing, which ends up eating his body. Luckily, Ed knew his Alchemy and bound Al's soul to a suit of armor befor it could be lost. It turned out that the mother did not come back (of course) and Ed lost an arm and a leg, but ends up getting something called "Automal" which is a fake arm and leg. They both go on a quest to find something called the Philosophers Stone which can, in theory, bring back a dead person. Ed enrolls in the military, so that to get information about the stone, and is given the name "FullMetal". A few volumes on DVD and Mangas as well. To see the whole series from start to finish visit www.youtube.com. The movie is also on the site. The movie continues right where the series ends.
Spirited Away- A very touching good Anime movie made by Miyazaki, who also made other famous movies such as "Kiki's Deliver Servious" "Castle in the Sky" "Valley of the Wind" and many others. Spirited Away is a story about a young girl by the name of Chihiro who, instead of moving to her new house, ends up on an adventure unlike any other. While going to their new home, Chihiro, kinda braty 9 year old or so girl, ends up going toan old "amusement" park, or so here father called it. Though not wanting to go, she ends up folling her parents into a deserted town full of resturants. Her mother and father stuffed thier faces full of un-known food, while Chihiro went looking for someone, anyone, who would be there. She ends up finding a bath house and meeting a boy who calls himself Haku. This movie is full of fantasy and bright colors that keep you glued to the t.v.! Can be found in DVD.
Ranma 1/2- Pretty funny Anime/Manga. Made from the creater of Inuyasha,Rumiko Takahashi.Anyway, this is a story about a highschool boy by the name of Ranma Saotome who feel into an enchanted spring which ended up casing him to change into a girl when splaced with cold water. (the spring is that of the drowning girl)Now can you imagine that? So much stuff ends up happeing to him and it is SO funny! highly recommend! In DVD and Manga.
Fruits Basket- Though i already have it on my profile, i thought i'd talk about it down here as well and tell what the show is really about. Now Fruits Basket is one of the BEST animes/mangas i have ever come across. Fruits Basket is about a highschool girl by the name of Tohru Honda. Torhu's fatherhad passed on at a young age, and so she and her mother became very close. Well, one day Tohrus mom ends up dieing in a car crash which leaves her then in the care of her old grandpa. Tohru, being incredible kind and sweet, didn't want to be a burdon on her grandfather, and so while he was making renavations on his house, she put up a tent in the woods. Now all would have been fine and dandy if it haddent been a mud slid. She ends up staying in a near by house that belongs to her class mate Yuki Sohma and his older cousin Shigure Sohma. Not long has she stayed till she finds out the terrible family secret...When hugged by a member of the oppisite sex or when their bodies come under a great deal of stress, the sohma family (select few of them) turns into one of the members of the Chinese Zodiac! After accidently falling on Kyo Sohma (she tripped) does she find out the secret that their family is under the curse. Kyo turns into the cat, though not in the Zodiac. Yuki turns into the Rat and Shigure turns into the dog. VERY funny, and very adorable Anime (concisting of 26 episodes) and Manga (which has been translated into 13 volumes so far) HIGHLY recommended!
Tsubasa Chronicles- Tsubasa is a very special anime that i can not wait until it comes out in english! It has recently been released in Japan ((i believe in January)). Tsubasa Chronicles is a story about a boy named Syaoran and a girl named Sakura. Sakura is princess of his home and even though hes not nobel ((i guess you could say)) she and him have been "childhood friends" for a long time. The point of the story is for Syaoran, Fye, and Kurogane to get back Sakuras feathers, her "lost memories" from other demensions. Its a really awesome anime and should really be seen. You can find all of the episdoes on www.youtube.com just type in at the top "tsubasa chronicles". Highly Recommended! Only 26 epsidoes are out at this current time.
(I'll be adding more here soon!)
Hey guys if you weren't bord enough i have some other stuff for you to check out! Ok, heres were i'll put the voice actors/actress of some shows in case you were wondering who the people were who did your favorite charcters! I know i like to look up that kind of stuff...anyway, enjoy! (ill do english for now)
Fruits Basket~
Daisuke-Kevin Corn
Inuyasha- Richard Cox
Tsubasa Chronicles~
Syaoran- Miyu Irion
Fullmetal Alchemist~
Fullmetal Alchmist the Movie- The Conquor of Shamballa~
Ok, i wanna thank www.wikipedia.org ((Wikipedia)) for helping me with finding the people who do the voices to these great shows.
More will be added soon!
Hey there! i wonder how many times i've said that throughout this profile...hm...
anyway, i just want to say again thank you all for reviewing! It really means a lot to me that you guys like my story, thank you all! and i just wanna thank my friends real fast...Heather, thank you SO much for taking time out of your day to correct Shadowed Fate and for supporting me and my writting! and for introducing me to Tsubasa Chronicles!Elena, haha, thanks for showing me Fruits Basket and for all that you've done for me since kindergarden! Josh, thanks for helping me when i was down and for being there for me when i was lost. Thanks for suppoting me with my writting and for caring! Atiera, oh Atiera...hehe, thanks for helping me get the great ideas i do! haha, your good inspiration! Alyssa, thanks for all you've done for me and for being there! Hehe, all the Hatori parts i write are for you! Thank you for the pictures you send me! Jessie, JESSIE! hehe, thanks for drawing the characters to Shadowed Fate and for all the drawings you do for me! Hey, when im i getting that copy of Akito in his "true form"!
anyway, just wanted to "Write out" to my friends!
Thank you all again and i'll try and update really soon!


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One Shots in the Verse:
A little over four months after the end of Wait and See
Dean's loops around the block twice with the windows down and the music a little too loud before he pulls into the driveway. He's a little ragged. Nothing major had happened today, it had just been a long one and he needs to unwind a little before he gets home to a four month old and Cas, who has been strung pretty tight lately.
The issue with God suddenly dropping a baby into your life is that you had no time to prepare. Cas had quit his part time bookstore job the morning after they'd found the baby. Dean had wound up putting in a few more weeks at work before he'd finagled some parental leave. And it wasn't just logistics like Cas staying home alone with the baby for most of the first day while Dean frantically ran around time gathering up baby stuff they didn't have- it was the fact that they had been totally mentally unprepared too.
Sam had been shocked and terrified when he found out that he was going to be a father, but he hadn't actually had a baby to deal with for a couple months after the initial shock. And Dean had wanted this so badly and Cas had wanted it too, but neither of them had been quite ready to just wake up fathers one morning.
Especially Cas. He'd been so good with his nieces that Dean hadn't expected the big difference between Cas's interaction with Sophie, Emily and Lizzie and his interaction with Matthew. But he could see it in Cas all the time. Matthew was literally a miracle for both of them, way beyond just a lucky shot, way beyond even immaculate conception. He was just made to exist, just for them. And for Cas, who only a few years ago hadn't even been a species that could reproduce, the pressure of his own child seemed to be a little too much for him.
Dean was being as supportive as he could muster, and at four months in, had yet to tell anyone, even Sam, that he thought Cas was being a psychotic perfectionist.
He washed everything all the time. He bought parenting magazines. He watched daytime TV shows about parenting. He googled everything that the baby did.
And the thing that Dean really really hated- he'd made Dean join an "Other People Stupid Enough to Be Gay Parents in South Dakota" group.
Well… made was a little strong. Dean had been playing with Matthew. Matthew had been making a sound that was almost a laugh. Cas had asked him for something. It had been about an hour before Dean realized what he had agreed to, but it had seemed really important to Cas, so Dean had just gone along with it.
It was just them and three lesbian couples. A couple of bug eyed professors, Cheryl and Shirley. Shirley was pregnant with their first child and they were always talking about organic food and cortex development and swaddling and how they were painting the nursery yellow to avoid enforcing gender expectations. They spent most of the meetings passive aggressively arguing with Bridget and Diane who lived on a farm a few miles out of town and had three elementary age kids, two girls and boy, who were all very well behaved and showed up to meetings looking like they had been playing outside. Pink cheeks and grubby fingers. And then there was Jackie and Isabelle, who had sons in high school, but still came to most meetings.
Dean genuinely likes Bridget and Diane. They're just sweet, solid people. They'd cooed over Matthew and tossed him up in a way that made Shirley shriek and Matthew burble happily. Jackie and Isabelle are fun too, Dean likes the "oh, if you only knew" way that they both smile at Cheryl and Shirley.
Cheryl and Shirley drive Dean out of his freaking mind. He feels bad for their poor kid, but mostly he feels bad for himself because Shirley and Cheryl get Cas all freaked out about pesticides and brain growth.
He doesn't get why Cas is so worried about the gay parent thing when the ex-Angel/ex-Hunter parent thing is just hanging there, but Dean thinks it's something that Cas will work out of his system. And he has to admit it's probably not a bad group for them to be involved in. Bridget and Diane are already running into problems with their kid's school, and Jackie and Isabelle have a lot of sage advice for them.
But if they have to go to every fucking meeting, Dean is going to get very sarcastic with Cheryl and Shirley. Cas stresses himself out about the baby too much already without the Super-Moms-To-Be making it worse.
Dean can hear Matthew screaming bloody murder before he even pulls the door open.
"Everybody okay?" he calls out as he kicks off his shoes. He says it lightly but feels an icy stab of fear when no one replies. He steps into the living room, looking around, ready for anything but what he finds.
Matthew is lying on the floor, kicking and waving his arms and wailing with his face red. Cas is sitting next to him on the floor, cross-legged with his palms pressed tight to his ears. He looks utterly defeated and after a moment Dean realizes that Cas is crying too.
Dean drops down next to him and Cas jumps when realizes that Dean's home. Dean scoops his son up off the floor and sets him on his shoulder, before grabbing Cas's hand as it falls away from his ears.
"Hey, what the hell is going on?"
Cas sputters and clenches his hand around Dean's. "He's been crying for hours… he just… and I can't… nothing is working."
Dean feels the way that hurts, like a stabbing in his heart. He hates it when Cas feels bad for something that Dean should have been able to prevent. He leans forward and kisses Cas's temple. "Alright. It's okay."
"No. No it's not. I can't… I think I'm making it worse," Cas sniffed grossly, snucking up snot in a way that made it clear he'd been crying for hours too. "I shouldn't be making it worse, but he's just been screaming. And I fed him, and I changed him and he's not running a fever and I just-"
Dean would be lying if he said he hasn't been waiting for this to happen. But there's no point in telling Cas (again) that he's putting way too much pressure on himself. Cas needs to get some fucking sleep, and then they'll talk about this. Besides. This is Dean's fault anyway. He shouldn't expect Cas to be as human as he does.
"Cas? You are exhausted. Go lie down. I'll take care of Matthew, scare up some dinner. I'll wake you up in a couple hours."
"Maybe we should take him to the doctor?" Cas replies, wiping his eyes on the back of his palm. "Maybe something is causing him pain?"
"Cas, I'm serious. You need rest. If I can't get him to calm down in half an hour I'll call Sam and Chelsea and see what they think. Please go to bed."
Cas lets out a little sob and runs his hand over the still crying baby's back. "I don't understand why I can't take care of my son. I don't-"
"Shhh…." Dean says, kissing him again. "This happens. It was just a bad day. And it's my fault that you got this far out of whack. I should be able to take care of you, right?"
He was hoping that would get a smile out of Cas. It doesn't, but Cas does work his way up to his feet and stagger upstairs.
Dean walks Matthew around the yard and only succeeds in getting him to cry more quietly. He grabs his cellphone and starts making calls to get his shifts moved around for the next few days. He made Cas cry, he can't just give the poor guy a nap and then tell him to start over in the morning.
He winds up cashing in a few favors, offering a few favors, and rounds it out with some light begging but he gets the next three days off. Then he calls Sam. When there's no answer he calls Chelsea, who suggests Matthew might be teething and turns out to be right. Dean asks where Sam is. Chelsea explains that Sam is having a similar night.
He wets a couple of washcloths and throws them in the freezer, then puts some cool water on another one and lets Matthew chew on it. By the time Dean's found the take out menus the kid has calmed down and by the time the delivery guy shows up, Matthew is sound asleep.
Dean sets out plates and forks and dumps salty, greasy comfort food all over them before he goes and gets Cas, who is even more miserable when he wakes up to find that in the hour and half he's been asleep Dean has stopped the screaming and gotten the baby down for the night.
"Teething," Cas sighs, dropping his forehead into his hand and stuffing a huge bite of sesame chicken into his mouth. "I didn't even think of that."
Cas shovels down easily double what he usually eats, and Dean forces him to go back upstairs.
"Hey, there. Ready for the park Mr. Stay at Home?" Sam asks the second he opens the door. He's got Lizzie in a football hold in one arm, what really looks like spit up in his hair, and a shit-eating grin on his face.
"You're hilarious," Dean says, bouncing Matthew a little bit and ignoring the drool slowly soaking through his t-shirt. They went Target this morning and bought a chew toy. It's shaped like a gorilla, and Dean can admit, in a totally manly way, that it's really cute. Though it is turning out, probably not the ideal chewing shape. "It's not like I'm some sort of workaholic who ignores Cas and Matthew, you know. I've been to the park. I can take care of my kid. I can take care of my boyfriend."
"I'm not making fun of you," Sam replies, still grinning as he waves Dean inside. "I'm actually looking forward to you at the park. Instead of just me and all the weird little Mom cliques. This is going to be good." He fiddles with the buckles. Emily throws up her hands and burbles at him, he grins at her and kisses her little fingers. "It's going to be so good, right girls? Yes it is."
"You are crazy chipper this morning. Like Mommy's Little Helper cheerful."
Sam shrugs and pulls out the stroller sunscreen. "This is all natural joy of a man who slept 12 hours last night and has been experiencing the sweet release of all day kindergarten for a whole week. I just need to get laid and I'll be freaking skipping."
"Dude, come on, little ears, we've talked about this," Dean sighs. Sam gives him the look that Sam always gives him for things like that. Lips-tucked-in smile with wide eyes. It's a sort of condescending "Oookay, whatever you say" smile that functions as a straightforward reminder that Dean is the older brother, but Sam is a father of three and Dean might have raised him, but he's only had a baby of his own for a couple months.
"Sorry," Sam says. "I'm gonna run up to the restroom, and we'll go park it up, and it won't just be me and that other Dad at the park who clearly just hates his life."
"Sam?" Dean calls after him as Sam starts up the steps. "As long as you're going up there, you've got puke in your hair."
"Yeah. I probably do. I have no memory of anything that happened past five last night."
"Alright," Dean sighs as Sam clomps the rest of the way upstairs.
"You and Cas don't take the kids to the park between hunting down vampire nests?" Dean asks when Sam reappears at the tops of the stairs.
Sam sighs and rolls his eyes as he hurries back down. "Cas thinks it's too cold out and the kids'll get pneumonia and die."
"It's September," Dean counters. "It's almost 70 degrees right now."
"I know," Sam says. "But I'm not going to push it yet. I remember Sophie at four months, I was still basically terrified that I would accidently break her somehow. And it's different for you guys."
"Does he seem that stressed out when he's over here?"
"Oh yeah." Sam says, grabbing the stroller and lifting the whole thing to carry it down the porch steps. "If anyone needs to be L-A-I-D it's Cas. I'm surprised he didn't snap weeks ago."
"And you don't bring this up?" Dean demands.
"Did you not bring a stroller?" Sam replies, looking around the driveway.
"I'm gonna carry him," Dean replies. He pulls Matthew a little tighter to his chest. Chelsea and Sam do make fun of him a little bit for this. He realizes that he can set Matthew down and that it's not like anything would happen. He doesn't need to have his sleeping son slung over his shoulder while he's doing dishes one handed, and he could break out the stroller… but he likes the warm weight, he likes the reassuring sound of Matthew breathing and making little baby sounds.
"Okay." Sam does the grin again and Dean hates him a little bit for it. "And I figured you knew that Cas was on edge. The sky's blue, monsters are real, and Cas is a mess. I mean… it's to be expected right? You're stressed out too."
"Yeah, man, but we have more experience than Cas does."
Sam starts down the street and Dean follows, adjusting the big diaper bag at his back.
"Cas has plenty of experience," Sam says. "He was always so good with Sophie when she was a baby. He's good with the Martha's kids, he's good with the twins. And he's good with Matthew too. He just needs to chill out a little bit. You both do, and I understand why you'd need more than just four months to chill out. You're doing fine."
"We may all need to just watch out for Cas a little more here. I mean he's not… you know altogether… human. And what do I need to chill out about?"
"You're being a little condescending don't you think?" Sam huffs. "Cas is a grown man, and a good father. He's protective, and worried, and he'll get over it. It's not like he's doing anything wrong. You're not going to help anything by making him feel like he's a burden you have to shoulder. Believe me. No one knows that like I do."
"Babbrrummmbah!" Matthew declares into Dean's ear. Dean kisses his head absentmindedly.
"That's not what I'm doing."
"Yes it is," Sam replies immediately. "Cas is wiped. He needs a couple days to recover, but you don't need to take him on as another charge. He's a grown up, he can deal with this, he just needs a full night's sleep and a little … you know. TLC. Otherwise you're just going to make him feel like crap and stress yourself out even more."
"I'm not that stressed out," Dean scoffs. "For a guy with a baby and a newly human husband and a full time job, I'm damn peachy."
Sam scoops his hair back and stops strolling and holds his hands out. "Okay. Then give me Matthew."
"Why?" Dean demands, turning away a little bit.
"Just come on, hand me the baby."
"No. Not when you're all Mary Poppins nuts."
"Alright," Sam says, shrugging and resuming their stroll. "But, seriously, Cas and I are friends too. He's been spending a lot of time over at my house over the last couple months. I know what I'm talking about. If you treat him like you need to take care of him too, you are going to make him feel even worse, all the time. And you're going to lose it next. You're a mess too."
"I'm fine," Dean snaps as they walk into the park. Matthew squawks and Dean shushes him. Sam raises his eyebrows at him.
"Yeah. You're totally fine. You think Cas getting upset is completely your fault, you won't even put your kid down, and you're ignoring a sensible solution in favor of something that's going to hurt your boyfriend and make your life way more stressful. But you're totally fine."
"I forgot what you're like when you're well rested," Dean tells him. "Didn't miss it."
"And I'd almost forgotten what you're like when you're all martyred," Sam bites back.
Dean flicks him off, earning an instant glare from one of the cliques of Moms that Sam was bitching about as the two of them start circling the little path around the park. They make it most of the way around the circle before, out of nowhere, Sam asks, "So, are you guys having any sex at all?"
"Oh my god. Are you serious?" Dean groans. "I'm not talking to you about this."
"I have seen you nailing twins," Sam counters.
"Little. Ears," Dean repeats, shifting Matthew to the shoulder away from Sam.
"Fine. I was trying for subtle, but this is just not worth it," Sam sighed. "Cas is around a lot and this is a subject that has come up. Unlike, as I hear it, either of you."
Dean hears the fact that his boyfriend has complained to his brother that they are not having enough sex, and instantly moves past it, avoiding having to digest or deal with this information. It's been a couple months, but they've been tired and busy and it's not that strange.
"Matthew sleeps in our room, he doesn't sleep through the night, you are starting to sound weirdly like Chelsea and according to all of Cas's magazines, a lot of new parents take longer than this to be… you know… intimate again. Are you seriously telling me that you are Chelsea are…" Dean waves vaguely.
"Chelsea just had twins," Sam says. "She physically needs a little more time before she wants to actually have sex. It took a little less time with Sophie, but this was harder on her. But we still fool around. Which for the two of you apparently counts as sex."
"Okay- if you want to go over an actual issue, fine, but I'm not going to do the 'it's not," –Dean huffed and patted Matthew's head– "S-E-X if you're not inside' discussion again."
"Fair enough. Still. Neither of you pushed little people out of your bodies recently and Sophie slept in our room for most of the first year and we were still having sex."
"With her ther-"
"No! No," Sam denied instantly. "Of course not. Come on. In the laundry room. Or the shower. While Sophie was napping. With the monitor on. Just in case. Couple quickies in the panic room while we were at your place. And once in your room. Wait- twice in your room."
"Jesus, Sam!"
"Dean, we are both grown ups. We've got, you know, partners. Can we just have the mature discussion about this that Cas has been nodding and nudging and subtly begging me to have with you for weeks or not? Cause if I can have the big gay sex conversation- you sure as hell should be able to."
Dean holds Matthew a little closer. "Cas put you up to this?"
"Not in so many words."
"Fine. Then in as few words as possible."
"You are in a huge life change and Cas doesn't feel close to you. It's not just the pressure, he's lonely." Sam says it fast and matter of fact, like he's just reporting on the weather.
"He's lonely?" Dean demands.
"You are so focused on the baby that you're alienating him."
"I know, Dean. I know. I get it." Sam stops wheeling the stroller and turns to Dean. "You wanted this so badly for so long, and you got it and it is literally a miracle. I know how that feels. Look at my life- look at Chelsea- I get what it feels like to have a miracle. But I can feel that way about her and the kids, save the world, hang out with you and Cas. Sit upstairs with a book and a beer sometimes and let her take the wheel. You are too… single barrel on this. Are you hearing what I'm saying?"
Dean tucks his face a little closer to Matthew. He's making little grunting noises and apparently really going to town on his gorilla. "I should get him out of the sun."
"Dean," Sam starts.
"I'm not single barrel. I go to work. I'm still helping save the world here and there. I'm not ignoring Cas. I'm taking care of him right now."
"By leaving him home alone and taking the baby out with me."
"What are you telling me to do, just drop my kid off somewhere?
"How about you leave Matthew with us tonight? Take Cas out somewhere, have a grown up night. Dinner. Conversation that is not about puke and poop. Sex."
"Is there going to be a test on the conversation?" Dean snarks. "Do I get extra credit for 'real' sex, or will my grade on this be okay if it's just B-L-O-W jobs like usual?"
"I'm right about this and you'll thank me in the morning," Sam announces with finality, strolling off without looking back. Dean takes Matthew over to a big oak tree and drops down in the shade. He watches the clique moms watching him and tries to remember the last time that he and Cas really were intimate with each other.
They haven't had sex in a traditional sense since the night Sam and Chelsea had announced that they were pregnant again, but that was pretty typical. Dean had done some googling and some rationalizing and some researching before finally giving up and deciding that 'because we don't like it as much as everything else' was a good enough reason for them to hardly ever have anal sex. He wasn't going to say that to Sam for a couple reasons, one of course still being little ears, and the other being that Sam had gotten a little too… open about his love life since he and Chelsea had gotten married and Dean did not need to hear about the variety of ways that his little brother had nailed his good friend and the mother of his nieces.
But Dean can't remember the last time they'd done anything else either. He figured that they must have at least done some sleepy grinding while he was off work for adoption leave, but nothing's coming to mind.
He takes out the bottle he'd packed, tapping it until the bubbles pop. Matthew drops the gorilla and grabs the bottle as soon as it's in reach. He watches his son eat. Watches the content little expression of concentration and zones out a little. It takes Sam a couple tries to get Dean's attention. He spends another couple hours with Sam and the twins and the more time he spends with someone who is not Matthew's other father the more he realizes.
Maybe he is a little single barrel.
He and Sam spread a blanket out in the oak tree shade and let the cousins roll and kick for a little while. They lie on their stomachs on opposite sides of the blanket and pack everyone back up when Emily starts to get fussy. It starts to occur to Dean, as they head back to the house, that the day out with his baby and his baby brother is a little too similar to the last couple of days with his lover and his baby.
He and Cas don't pile together on the couch like they used to, because one of them is always holding Matthew. They don't hold hands walking around like they used too. Cas has been so tired lately that even their kiss goodbye in the morning has been getting cut. The only time he's really physically close to Cas is when they're putting the baby down for the night and when they climb in bed together before falling almost instantly into a dead sleep for the few hours they get.
Sam's solution of a night off really is the only one and Dean understands that… and still doesn't want his son to sleep somewhere else for the night.
Dean gets home around three. Matthew didn't quite fall asleep in the car, but he was getting there.
Cas is sitting on the front porch swing in his bathrobe with a book and a cup of tea. He's unshaven and messy, but the circles under his eyes are gone.
"Hey, how you feeling?" Dean calls out as he pulls Matthew out of the backseat of the Impala.
"Umm… embarrassed, mostly," Cas replies. "I didn't handle last night very well."
"Don't worry about it," Dean says. He leans down to kiss Cas, a real kiss on the lips. Cas has clearly not brushed his teeth, but Dean still kisses him like he has.
Matthew makes a happy quacking sort of noise and reaches out for Cas, which makes Cas just lighten. Dean hands him over.
"Hey, so, I took tomorrow off too, and Sam said that he and Chelsea could take on an extra kid tonight. So… what's say you let me take you out tonight?"
Cas smiles softly. "Yes. That would be lovely."
Matthew goes down for a nap, and while Dean feels like spending that time with Cas… it doesn't quite work out that way. They end up cleaning because the house has gone from "messy" to "gross" to "dangerous" and it has to be done. Dean winds up falling asleep on the couch for half and hour and feels bad about it when he's woken up by Chelsea knocking on the door. Apparently Sam sent her over to take Matthew by force if need be.
Chelsea seems to realize this. She gives Dean a mocking smile. "You know we're used to waking up. If you need to come get him tonight, just call."
Cas cleans up better than Dean remembers. He shaves and braids his hair and digs out his ridiculous suspenders that make him look so old-world. Dean scrubs up too, breaking out one of his fed suits.
They aren't quite able to follow Sam's directive about no baby talk. Matthew is what is happening in their lives and he dominates the conversation. But the restaurant owner is celebrating some sort of anniversary and starts sending the waiters around with free champagne. After Cas's first couple glasses conversation somehow swings around to the old days.
"It would've been intrestin, intreston…" Cas clears his throat and blushes even redder under his already pinked cheeks. "In-ter-est-ing. To have been human back then." He sighs. "Or to have been human enough to appreciate you, anyway."
"Appreciate me?" Dean laughs. Including that militia thing in Minnesota he can count the times he's seen Cas drunk on one hand, and Cas happy, flushed, laughing drunk is undeniably attractive. They're playing footsie under the table like teenagers and Sam has texted a couple times with little updates. It's obvious that he knows Dean too well, the last three were:
"Your kid is fine. Enjoy your night."
"He just ate. Don't worry about your kid."
"We're playing on the floor. You better be having a nice time."
"Mmmhmmm," Cas says. "In the fray. With your…" He laughs and takes another deep gulp from what Dean is pretty sure is his fifth glass. "With that rock salt gun, or the demon knife. I mean, I never really used to concern myself with it, but it umm… pops up, every now and then, and I just think… I wish I had realized how ridiculously… hot that was."
"Hot?" Dean asks.
"Mmm," Cas replies nodding and blushing even redder. Dean can feel the point of Cas's shoe nudging clumsily at his ankle. "I had a dream about you like that this morning."
"Yeah?" Dean says, every part of him perking up in interest at this.
Cas's voice drops even lower than usual. "You'd just come home from a hunt. I was on the porch and you walked out of the dark, all dirty and sweaty and," Cas clears his throat. "And I stripped your jeans right off of you."
Dean reaches out for his water glass and nearly knocks it over.
"Dropped you down on the swing and wrapped my hands around your thighs, and umm… went down on you until you screamed." Cas tipped back the rest of his champagne glass. "I liked the smell of you. Strong and… you know… virile."
Dean swallows heavily. "That uh, would've been a better end to a night of hunting than most of my actual cases."
"Pretty decent end to a date too," Cas says.
Dean blows out a breath. He's hard and only getting harder as Cas smiles at him and tucks his foot against Dean's under the table. He could sit here and try to calm down while the waiter brings them their check… but he's not going to.
He digs a couple bills out of his wallet and throws them on the table, then works his way out of his jacket.
"Yeah. Yeah it is," he agrees.
Cas stands. Dean folds his jacket discretely in front of himself and they book out of the restaurant, Cas giggling drunkenly all the way up to the point that he pushes Dean up against the passenger side of the Impala.
"I could suck you off here in the parking lot," Cas huffs into his ear, before he starts kissing down his neck. "I miss you."
Cas's hands settle at the small of his back and pull Dean in, hard and sudden. Dean gasps and almost pushes him back in surprise. Handsy Cas, he's used to, but Cas doesn't ever get forceful like this.
"I miss you too," Dean manages.
Cas rocks his hips against Dean and Dean swallows hard when he feels Cas's erection against him, then moans when Cas pulls him in for a kiss, deep and dirty.
Dean does push him away this time, a little too hard to be playful. "Come on, let's get you home where it's legal."
"Hurry," Cas huffs.
Dean is really grateful that he picked a restaurant near home. Cas decides to totally disregard traffic safety laws and spends the drive nearly in Dean's lap, running his tongue teasingly across the tendons in his neck, pulling all his buttons open and palming over Dean's rock hard dick. Dean clenches the steering wheel so hard that by the time he pulls into the drive way he can barely feel his fingers. He's considering just doing this here. Letting Cas blow him in the front seat because he's not sure he can take walking all the way upstairs to their bedroom. Even the couch is starting to seem like a tall order with Cas's lips on his neck and Cas's hands under his shirt.
"Come on, come on," Dean huffs out. "Bedroom."
"But then I have to stop touching you," Cas protests.
"We'll run," Dean replies.
"Mmnnmm," Cas moves forward and kisses him for real. "Dean… Dean…"
Dean digs his hands into Cas's hair and pulls him in even harder, kissing Cas almost as dirty as Cas had kissed him in the parking lot, and slowly giving up on the hope that he might make it upstairs with his boyfriend after all. "Tell me what you want, Cas."
"How drunk are you?"
"Pretty drunk," Cas replies. "I've been… thinking about you a lot lately. I think about you and I touch myself and I think about looking in your eyes while I'm getting you to climax."
Dean's hips jerk forward into nothing. It's just too hot to deal with when Cas puts it like that. He throws the door open and gulps in air. He's starting to feel like he's getting a contact drunk.
The cool air helps. He ducks away from Cas and steps out of the car, surprised at just how undressed he is. Cas had drunk plenty of champagne at the restaurant, and had certainly sounded drunk while he talked about his dirty dreams. But he had certainly been efficient enough at tugging Dean out of his clothes in the dark.
Fuck it.
Dean lets his pants drop in the driveway, steps out of them, then beckons Cas over. Cas grins and steps toward him. Dean steps back and Cas follows for a few steps before Dean turns and runs for the house. It's not really running. It's more of a gentle lope. He wants Cas to catch him, and he also doesn't want Cas to fall down and break his face.
Cas chases him up the stairs and tackles him down onto the bed, hitting him way harder than Dean had anticipated, nearly knocking the air out of him, then flipping him onto his back and dropping down to kiss his chest.
Dean's glad they've already agreed this is going to be a multi-round thing, because he's way, way more hard up for this than he thought he was and it's already too obvious that the first round is going to be short. His hands are shaking as he tugs Castiel out of his shirt. He was aware that it had been too long, but it hasn't felt like months until now. Cas throws his shirt and pants off, and Dean flips him onto his back, rutting down into him as slowly as he can manage, which is not particularly slow.
He's rabid for this-for Cas's sweat shined skin and hot breath and hard body and hard cock pressed tight against him. He dives down to kiss him and can tell that he hasn't been paying enough attention to Cas lately by the way that it feels like coming home. Dean hates admitting that Sam's right, but he had seriously had a point. The distance between him and Cas while they separately obsessed about the baby was all too obvious with the distance suddenly closed.
Cas's kissing gets distracted and Dean realizes that he is scrabbling in the nightstand, then belatedly, realizes why. Dean pulls out of the kiss, plucks the lube out of the drawer and sets it down by the pillows. Cas makes a noise that's half a chuckle, half a moan and pulls Dean back down on top of him, rocking up hard before pitching Dean over onto his back and grabbing both their cocks, stroking a little too hard and way too dry.
Cas is never like this, forceful and direct, just on the edge of rough. Dean's a little shocked with himself for enjoying it this much. He whines when Cas drops his cock to go for the lube, then takes advantage of Cas's precarious position while he's holding himself up with one arm and knocks him onto his back, just for the thrill of the feeling of Cas throwing him back down again.
Cas pops the lube open and pours a little into his hand. His eyelashes are dark against his pink flushed skin while he touches himself.
"Cas?" Dean asks, wondering where they are going with the lube.
Cas grins softly at him pours more liquid into his palm and runs his slick palm up Dean's length, rock hard and laying up against his stomach. He takes Dean in his fist and strokes back down.
"Sit up so I can kiss you," Cas instructs in a whisper, thumbing right under the head of Dean's cock, the same place where he usually works his tongue until Dean starts to sweat.
Dean doesn't need to be told twice. He pulls himself up immediately swinging himself backward on his arms while Cas knee walks forward. He drops back into the headboard with a crash so loud that Cas ducks out of the kiss to laugh at him. "We're out of practice"
"It's okay. It's just a warm up," Dean replies, rocking up into Cas's hand to get his focus back. Cas grasps their cocks together and strokes down. Dean's right on the edge from the first stroke of Cas's hand and thrust of Cas's cock, and Cas doesn't make it a whole five minutes before he's bursting all over Dean, and Dean's coming himself at the happy growl that Cas makes as he falls forward into an accomplished kiss.
They collapse like a house on fire, folding in on each other into an illogical naked heap of limbs.
"Fuuuckk…" Cas sighs. "I really needed that."
Dean laughs. "Yeah," he nuzzles into Cas's neck. "I'm sorry about yesterday."
"You're sorry?" Cas sighs. "I'm the one that 'freaked out' on you."
"But I'm sorry that I haven't been… you know around."
"You're here every night."
"I mean… for you. I'm sorry I haven't been… here for you."
Cas pulls himself closer, wrapping a hand around Dean's neck. "Dean, can I tell you a secret?"
"Yeah, baby," Dean says.
"Don't call me baby," Cas replies tonelessly before pulling back enough to meet Dean's eye. Experiments with pet names have not gone well. Matthew got to be baby on occasion, but Dean has a sneaking suspicion that it's a nickname that Cas is working his way around to being comfortable with because Matthew actually is a baby. But since it's the only pet name Cas ever uses, Dean finds himself falling into it more and more.
"Fine. What's the secret?" Dean asked, tucking his feet between Cas's.
"I've been expecting you to get like this."
"I know, I'm sorry. I'd stay here with you everyday, you know that."
"I do. But that's not what I meant. It's not just having the baby you wanted so badly that's making you like this."
"Then what is it?"
"Matthew looks like Sam," Cas whispers. "I'm not sure you've even consciously noticed it yet, but it's there."
"You think that I'm obsessive about our miracle baby because he looks like my little brother because they both have dark hair."
"And similar eyes and the same smile. And I think that you were always going to be obsessive about being a father, because as badly as you want this you're as scarred by your father as Sam was, just in very different ways. And I know that it's still ingrained in you to do anything it takes to take care of Sam. And that scares me."
"I don't think Matthew is Sam," Dean argues.
"No, not that," Cas says. "It scares me that I'm not like that. You're… mind and soul are devoted in a way that I'm just… not sure how to be. I'm afraid that you'll think I don't love him enough and I do."
Dean kisses Cas and sets their foreheads together. "Why on earth would I think something like that?"
"Because he makes me tired, and sometimes I can't get him to stop crying and sometimes… being responsible for him, and having him be… mine is so much and I can't quite fathom it. I worry that you'll think I'm unfeeling because I'm not sure I can get as manic as I've seen you get about Sam."
Dean searches out Cas's hand and squeezes it. "I'd never think that. And let's face t. You're right. I'm too obsessive. I'm dangerous. I know that. I can respect you being, you know, the rational half."
"The rational half," Cas sighs. "That's sexy."
Dean laughs out loud. Sometimes Cas is weirdly human in little bursts. "Give me five more minutes and I will show you exactly how sexy it is."
Cas makes a pleased humming noise and combs his hand through Dean's sweaty hair. "I love being in a family like this," he says seriously. "It's different to be a father and a brother in law than just a brother like I was. Different to be a boyfriend. I love you."
Dean almost teases him about how tipsy he still was, but Cas's eyes are so sincere and open that he can't do it. So he elbows himself a little closer to Cas and kisses him deeply, until all their embers go back to flames.


text:
<off topic – Music this time…>
Ok, so I've got my tickets to Bumbershoot, so it's safe to blog 😉
Jose Gonzalez is touring the US with Zero 7 and they are hitting Seattle as part of the Bumbershoot lineup in September. I saw them play in Brighton (UK) shortly after The Garden released – brilliant, I want more.
If you've not heard of Jose Gonzalez, you might recognize his Heartbeats track from the 'Veneer' album. It was used in the Sony Bravia ad (short version here 3.5m views! – 250,000 multi-colored 'superballs' bouncing down the streets of San Francisco, no CGI used -see this). One of those 'oh yeah, I know it' tunes.
(The Sony ad inspired this Tango spoof.)
Gonzalez is excellent solo is opening (I think) for Zero 7 at Bumbershoot. Playing together and live, 'Crossroads' track and 'Today' are really special. Currently, my favorite track from the Garden album is 'Seeing Things'. Can't wait to see them again.


text:
PTR begins tiger census from today
Pilibhit: The annual phase four counting of tigers at the Pilibhit Tiger Reserve (PTR), jointly conducted by PTR and the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) will begin from Thursday. The counting will be
Pilibhit: The annual phase four counting of tigers at the Pilibhit Tiger Reserve (PTR), jointly conducted by PTR and the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) will begin from Thursday. The counting will be
Pilibhit: On his fiftieth birthday, Salman Khan has a special message — from a wildlife sanctuary with blackbucks! The star has been invited by the administration of Pilibhit tiger reserve which boasts
Forests of the Surai range and Khatima range in the district are all set to be included as part of the buffer zone of Pilibhit Tiger Reserve. An additional 2,300 hectare of forest land from Uttarakhand
Pilibhit: Tuberculosis is one of the biggest killers in the country, but its numbers have been declining since the Directly Observed Treatment Short Course (DOTS) programme came into effect in 2003. However,
The scale of damage to crops due to unseasonal rain since March in the district can be gauged by the assessment report compiled by revenue officials. After a survey of the farm lands, they have identified
LUCKNOW: A gang of eight poachers was held from forest range in Pilibhit district in an operation lasting 48 hours. Tiger bones, teeth and meat were recovered from the gang members who had been active
Alarmed by the critically endangered status of vultures in the country, the forthcoming tiger census will also include the count of raptors from the respective States along with big cats. The report of
PILIBHIT: Taking note of the report published in TOI on the hazard to residents due to open dumps of garbage in Pilibhit city, MP Maneka Gandhi said she would take steps to ensure all-round sanitation
PILIBHIT: Taking cognizance of the matter related to rapid decrease in number of tigers in Pilibhit Tiger Reserve in three years, chief minister Akhilesh Yadav has decided to set up an enquiry in the matter.
More than 10 tigers are missing from Pilibhit Tiger Reserve. According to the tiger census report, in of 2010 the reserve had more than 40 tigers. In 2012, the tiger count was down to 30 and in 2013, the


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Chris Bundas –
Yes, men like women have a pelvic floor, supported by the Pubococcygeus muscles, and training them will provide similar results, including improved bladder control and enhanced sexual pleasure.
The male pelvic floor tends to lose strength gradually, starting as men approach their 30s, according to new research.
Private Gym, LLC, announced Tuesday the release of its new fitness program, which includes a four-week interactive DVD exercise program, a resource guide, and the first FDA approved male Kegel training device.
It's a silicone weighted penis ring that works with a weighted magnet attached to the underside of the ring.
It`s said to be designed for maximum comfort.
There is also a KegelPad, upon which men are to sit in a manner that makes contact between the perineum and the pad, with their scrotum hanging over the edge.
Kegels are performed by sliding on the pad, and the company describes them as "push-ups for the penis."
A device best described as a barbell for the penis is the Kegelmale Trainer, which is draped over the penis during an erection, and the user is to manipulate his organ in a repetitive lifting motion as he would his biceps.


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A perfect trip to Catalonia
Whet your appetite for a Spanish adventure with tapas in Barcelona, explore hidden beaches and the coastline that inspired Salvador Dalí on the Costa Brava, wander the streets of medieval Girona and end your journey in an alpine National Park. Let Lonely Planet Magazine guide through the magical sights and flavours of Catalonia.
1. Barcelona: best for tapas
In the tangled lanes of the Barri Gòtic (Catalan for the 'Gothic Quarter'), tapas is all about tradition. The stone buildings of Barcelona's oldest neighbourhood shelter tapas bars that show enduring allegiance to two simple truths: firstly, take the finest ingredients, interfering with them as little as possible; and secondly, the best things come in small packages.
'Tapas is a social event,' says Bego Sanchis, owner of the Cook & Taste cooking school and the guide for my tapas crawl. 'A reason to catch up with friends. The role of the food is to bring people together.'
Where to eat: Pla. For a market-style take on tapas, seek out this bar on a quiet lane of Barcelona's Gothic Quarter.
2. Costa Brava: best for beaches
North of Barcelona, beyond the concrete sprawl that bespoils the city's outskirts, nature suddenly takes over. The Costa Brava's rocky headlands force the main highway inland and a quiet road, narrow and sinuous, traverses the coast's steep contours. Soon it reaches the village of Tossa de Mar, where a crescent of sand arcs towards a pine-clad headland fenced by 14th-century walls and turreted towers. Offshore, fishing boats and pleasure craft bob gently in the sheltered bay.
Tossa's main beach, Platja Gran, is made up of a golden, almost luminous Mediterranean mix of sand and fine pebbles that sparkle in the sun. In high summer, the beach can be overwhelmed by a sea of bodies, but north along the same bay, Platja del Reig and Platja Mar Menuda remain quieter and more intimate.
Where to eat: Toc al Mar (+34 972 113 232). On a slight rise above the beach at Aiguablava, this open-air restaurant feels like an extension of the beach.
3. Cap de Creus & Figueres: best for Dalí
An austere landscape of rock, Cap de Creus is mainland Spain's easternmost point and the place where master painter Salvador Dalí found much of his inspiration. Dalí's passion for the landscape is contagious. Cap de Creus is an otherworldly terrain of strangely striated rocks glistening with the patina of ages, veins running through them like rivers. Outcrops come suddenly into focus - bizarre rocky forms that evoke Dalí's sense of the absurd. Here, a craggy, wind-worn face in profile; there, the rock that served as muse for Dalí's masterwork, The Great Masturbator.
Where to eat. Restaurante Cuatro (www.cuatro-restaurant-cadaques.com). Cadaqués, a pretty seaside town on the Cap de Creus peninsula, has many waterfront restaurants, but Cuatro is a cut above.
4. Girona: best for medieval Spain
Crowned by a looming cathedral and encircled by formidable walls, Girona looks like the film set for a medieval epic. This is one city that really knows how to put on a show. The star historical attraction is its architecture - Girona's high stone walls contain churches and former cathedrals, one-time synagogues and minor palaces, all dating from different eras of its medieval past.
Across the steep-sided hill that Girona's old town inhabits, an intricate network of stone-clad laneways turn and twist. Buildings guarded by high archways and antique doors, adorned with balconies of wrought iron, tumble down to one of the prettiest urban river frontages in all of Catalonia. Wandering these alleyways, it somehow isn't all that surprising to see a robed monk emerging from the shadows. The mysterious figure is one of many who take part in Girona's numerous historical re-enactments - their way of breathing life into the city's medieval past.
Where to eat: Café Le Bistrot (cafelebistrot.com). A throwback to the literary cafés of early 20th-century Catalonia, this bistro serves Catalan and French food.
5. Parc Nacional d'Aigüestortes i Estany de Sant Maurici: best for scenery
Deep in the Pyrenees, where Spain rises to meet the rest of Europe, the Parc Nacional d'Aigüestortes i Estany de Sant Maurici is northeastern Spain's most beautiful corner. Estany (the Catalan word for 'lakes') and aigüestortes ('winding streams') are what give the park its name.
Beyond Estany de Llebreta, the valley climbs to a rugged plateau watered by clear mountain streams and home to semi-wild horses. Valleys narrow and rise ever deeper into the park before finally reaching remote Estany Llong, 2000 metres above sea level and a 90-minute hike beyond the last taxi drop-off point. Here, in the park's heart, there is a sense of standing between two different worlds. Past the mountains to the west, Atlantic weather prevails, but to the east the climate is Mediterranean.
Where to eat: El Caliu (elcaliutaull.com). At the top of the village of Taull, this well-regarded local restaurant does creative salads and mountain dishes such as stuffed lamb.
Feed your hunger for travel with Lonely Planet Magazine.


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Mark Wahlberg And Ted To Present At The Oscars
Reported by Outsiders - 2013.02.01
Mark Wahlberg and his teddy bear co-star, "Ted," will be presenters on the Oscar(R) show, telecast producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron announced today.
"We are happy to make it possible for Mark and Ted to make their debut appearance on the Oscar stage," said Zadan and Meron. "And we won't deny that Ted used his pull with our host to get himself the booking."
Wahlberg and Ted starred in the hit summer comedy "Ted," which is now the highest-grossing R-rated original comedy of all time.
"I'm excited to present an Oscar with Mark Wahlberg," said Ted. "I'm spending the next month learning to pronounce 'Quvenzhané.'"
Wahlberg has twice been nominated for Academy Awards(R), in 2006 for his supporting role in "The Departed" and in 2010 as a producer of the Best Picture nominee, "The Fighter."
Wahlberg and Ted join a stellar list of previously announced Oscar performers, including Adele, Norah Jones and Barbra Streisand. Oscars for outstanding film achievements of 2012 will be presented on Oscar Sunday, February 24, at the Dolby Theatre(TM) at Hollywood & Highland Center(R), and will be hosted by Seth MacFarlane live on the ABC Television Network. The Oscar presentation also will be televised live in more than 225 countries worldwide.
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Los Castanos Themed Holidays
Unusual breaks in the heart of Andalucia!
Creative Writing with Anna Smith
Highly successful crime writer Anna Smith, Scottish author of the acclaimed Rose Gilmour series, will be leading a holiday focused on creative writing. Anna's credentials are impeccable: years of investigative journalism and now seven best-selling novels based on her experiences in the field. This course will appeal to all aspiring writers and especially those with an interest in crime writing. So if you're interested, do not hesitate to get in touch, as Anna is available to chat with prospective participants about their particular interests before reserving your place.
Watercolouring and More – explore your creativity
An unusual and very interesting week-long all-inclusive holiday for painters! Whether you've already discovered the joys of painting or this is something you've always wanted to try, here is an opportunity to explore your creativity in a safe, non-judgmental environment alongside an experienced gentle teacher. From fresco to hot wax, tempera to acrylics. A week of experimentation and self-expression with classical art techniques will be led by the talented Enrique Linaza.
Hike the Hills of Western Andalucia!
We've made it easy for you to have a week's mountain walking in and around Ronda, the secret paths known only to the local farmers – and us! If you love pristine quiet trails through magnificent landscape, this one is for you. Return after your long walk to your luxurious accommodation, a home-cooked dinner and a bottle of local Ronda wine. Detailed walking notes provided, picnics when required, hire car included so all you have to do is book your flight and relax!
Watercolouring and More Holiday
Andalucia offers panoramic vistas, unusual architecture, amazing light, warm climate
An all-inclusive week of experimentation and self-expression with a range of art techniques led by Enrique Linaza. Next course begins on 29th May until departure on 5th June.
We are thrilled to announce that Enrique Linaza will be your leader/teacher/guide on this week-long art holiday exploring many different media and channels for your creativity.
Enrique Linaza, your guide on this painting journey, is a painter and muralist who has explored engraving, architecture, figurative and realistic painting. He is especially interested in the use of natural pigments, classical and new media such as egg and gum tempera, fresco, watercolour, acrylic and oil painting.
Enrique´s credentials are exemplary. He has studied and exhibited his work in many different countries including all over Spain, France, México, United States, Ireland, Jordan – the list is too long to mention all his claims to fame! Plus I would add he is a really nice guy, easy to talk to, pleasant, eager to impart his extensive knowledge.
A renaissance man, he studied architecture, graphic arts, fine arts, plastic arts and landscape architecture. He has won prizes in competitions for public art: murals, parks, sculpture. He speaks Spanish, English and French and has taught at Harvard, in Mexico, and naturally in Spain.
His website is http://www.enriquelinaza.com/
Details of the Course
The course lasts seven nights. During those six whole days Enrique will devote 36 hours at least of workshop time with the group. There will be sessions after breakfast from 10 am till a light lunch at 1 pm. Siesta! Then we meet again at 4 pm for the three-hour afternoon workshop. After dinner we can sit around the fire, roast some chestnuts, and enjoy some relaxed social time together.
The course is perfect for people with an interest in learning, practising or perfecting their artistic nature. Don't feel you need to "know how to paint or draw". All you need is an interest in experimenting with art in friendly, non-judgemental, luxurious surroundings. It is a relaxing holiday with art and companionship and great leadership.
The teaching model is "learning while doing" to motivate and awaken artistic expression and creativity. The idea is to allow each participant a chance to express themselves through a variety of techniques so that each participant has the chance to find a channel for their own artistic expression.
During the workshop we will explore small exercises with both classical and modern techniques using natural pigments in egg and gum tempera, fresco, watercolour, acrylic and oil painting.
Weather permitting we can also make short excursions into the beautiful countryside around the village of Cartajima and paint al fresco.
Click here to go to our Gallery page to see photos of the surroundings
Details of the holiday
Date: Monday, 29th May arrival to departure Monday, 5th June
Maximum group: 12
Minimum group: 5
Price Chart:
Total Price for 2 painters sharing a room: 1665 euros
Total Price for 1 painter, single occupancy: 1120 euros
Total Price for 1 painter and 1 non-participant sharing a room: 1515 euros
What's included
- 7 nights full board and accommodation in Los Castaños' luxury rooms and 10% IVA (breakfast, lunch and dinner)
- Local Ronda wine with delicious Western Mediterranean dinners
- 36 hours tuition from Enrique
- All art materials
- Collection from Malaga airport can be arranged if required
What's not included
- Holiday insurance (recommended)
- Flights
- Ground transportation except as above
How to join the group
How to reserve: use the contact form to let us know of your interest and to address any queries you may have about any aspect of the holiday.
25% payment required upon reservation which is fully refundable if cancelled at least 30 days prior to the start of the course. The balance is due upon arrival. Payment by credit/debit card (Visa or Mastercard)
The course is restricted to maximum of 12 people so for more details of the course and content of this exciting all-inclusive retreat for painters, please send us a message using the contact form here or telephone for instant gratification +34 952180778
Creative Writing Course with Anna Smith
We are excited to offer an all inclusive small group writing holiday led by award winning journalist and crime author, Anna Smith!
12th May 2017 – 18th May 2017
It's said that each of us has a book in us struggling to get out. But most of us don't know where to start. If you want to write a novel or you have a stalled manuscript or just a brilliant idea and can't get going, Anna Smith can help. We are thrilled to have the opportunity to host a 5-day (6 nights) course led by her. Limited to about seven budding writers, it's going to be a wonderful opportunity. The professional skills of an established crime writer, the comfy quiet and dreamy romance of Los Castaños, great food and wines, all combine to provide a fertile ground for inspiration!
Anna is the highly acclaimed author of the bestselling Rosie Gilmour crime series with a fantastic background in journalism and novel writing. Explore her website here. Anna's course will teach you writing techniques, how to structure your novel, characterisation and narrative.
This content-packed full 5-day (6 nights) course includes:
5 whole days with Anna Smith
Small group – maximum 7
- Breakfast every morning
- Light lunch
- Dinner every evening with wine included
All the usual comforts and facilities (including walking notes for quiet contemplation!) provided at Los Castaños
Transportation can be arranged if necessary e.g. from Malaga airport
Arrival 12th May 2017, departure 18th May
- Total price for 2 writers sharing a room: 1470 €
- Price for single occupancy 960 €
- Total price for 1 writer and 1 non participant 1320 €
How to Reserve:
Use the contact form to let us know of your interest and to address any queries you may have about any aspect of the holiday.
25% payment required upon reservation which is fully refundable if cancelled at least 30 days prior to the start of the course. Balance is due 30 days prior to arrival on 12th May. Payment by credit/debit card (Visa or Mastercard).
The course is restricted to seven people so for more details of the course and content of this exciting all-inclusive retreat for writers, please send us a message using the contact form here
All-inclusive week (or less if you don't have a week free) of gorgeous walking in wild and secret Andalucia
Your unique opportunity to visit truly traditional Andalucia – spend seven days (or less) and meet the people, experience their culture, taste their food and wine, hike and explore their quiet mountainscapes. And amazing birds!
The Alto Genal is unbeatable for a walking holiday in Spain. A quiet, undiscovered valley with 7 tiny villages scattered around the higher reaches of the river. One side of the valley has rough limestone crags which make for exciting mountain walking, the other side is covered with sweet chestnut trees. In spring there is a wide variety of wild flowers and migrating birds, in early summer the chestnuts flower and a musky scent fills the air, and in autumn the chestnut trees go through a spectacular palette of red and gold. Walks vary from one to five hours and from easy to moderate in difficulty and we supply detailed walking notes. And a rescue service should you get tired!
Suggested Itinerary:
|Day 1
Pick up your rental car at the airport of your choice and drive the 90 minutes toCartajima using the detailed directions we supply. A warm welcome with sherry awaits you.
|Day 2
|The first walk we suggest is a triangular route that goes through two of the seven little pueblos blancos of the Alto Genal valley. The route goes mostly through sweet chestnut forests. 16 km – 5 hours
|Day 3
|A 30 minute drive takes you into the first of the Natural Parks that are on offer where the spectacular walk takes you through pines, past Civil War ruins, and gives you a chance to spot griffon vultures. Views of the coast, Africa and Gibraltar. 12 km – 4 hours and can be shortened
|Day 4
|A city walk today as you go around Ronda and then through the old city taking in most of the monuments. A chance to do some shopping for leather, ceramics, and other local handicrafts. 11 km – 3 hours or can be shortened
|Day 5
|The other triangular walk today taking you to the most remote of the villages, Pujerra, and then to Juzcar the only blue white village in the world. 14 km – 5 hours
|Day 6
|We drop you off at the far end of your linear walk and you walk back across the dramatic limestone karst that forms the backdrop to the Alto Genal Valley. Weird rock formations will excite your imagination. 17 km – 6 hours and can be shortened
|Day 7
|The Caminito del Rey, one of the scariest hikes in the world! Click here for more information. Or, if you don't fancy that, we have others up our sleeves or perhaps a free day for last minute shopping in Ronda.
|Day 8
|We say goodbye and send you on your way back to the airport with happy memories of a marvellous walking holiday.
Main Attractions
— seriously off the tourist trail pueblo blanco
— magnificent mountainscapes
— award-winning boutique hotel
— wildlife treats might include wild boar and horses, ibex, vultures and eagles
— fascinating, varied Western Mediterranean food
— Hike Sierra de las Nieves, rare pinsapo pines and Civil War memories
— detailed up-to-date notes with all hiking and driving
— flexible activities. Do more or less!
Restrictions – not suitable for children under 12, hiking medium difficulty
Dates – Subject to room availability. Avoid mid-June to mid September.
Cost: 782 € pp sharing a double room. If you would like less than 7 days holiday, please ask and we will adjust the price.
Included: Economy car collection at Malaga airport, 7 nights bed and breakfast, picnics as required, 7 dinners with local ecological wine, all taxes
Not included: Flights, insurance (recommended)
How to Make your Reservation: Put your preferred dates into the availability checker below and reserve securely online. Get anwers to any questions or make a reservation, please go to the Contact page or telephone for immediate attention +34 952180778


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First Hotel Raftevold is located in the heart of the fjords of Norway. Our beautiful garden faces Europe's deepest lake, Hornindalvatnet. Close by you find the UNESCO World Heritage site of Geriangerfjord, the Briksdals glacier and Vestkapp Mountain. There is only a two-hour's drive to the heritage city of Ålesund. The hotel is accessible via motorway E39 and the nearest airport is Volda, located only 25 min. from the hotel.
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The situation is largely caused by ignorance of the complexity and variety of mental-health problems. We think in stereotypes and extremes - the knife-wielding maniac, straitjackets, violence - when those make up a tiny minority of all mental-health conditions. In reality, according to Professor Lewis Appleby, the government's 'mental-health tsar', most mental-health problems are common and treatable. And they occur in perfectly normal people. 'The violent schizophrenic of popular imagination is a rarity. While one in four of us will suffer some kind of problem, most of us will recover completely, and many more will manage our problems well and lead full and ordinary lives.'
But finding and keeping jobs remains difficult and distressing, and forces many sufferers to keep their problem a secret. In a recent survey by the Mental Health Foundation, 47 per cent of people with mental-health problems had experienced discrimination at work, and 55 per cent felt they couldn't tell their colleagues about their problem. Research regularly uncovers prejudice, ignorance and apathy among recruiters. In a famous study in 1998, 200 personnel managers were asked to assess the employment prospects of two job applicants. The applicants had very similar CVs, but one suffered from diabetes and the other had recovered from a period of depression. The applicant with the history of depression was judged 'significantly less employable' than the applicant with diabetes.
Alison Cowan was first diagnosed with clinical depression at 19. She took first and postgraduate degrees plus further professional qualifications before embarking on a successful career in marketing and advertising. For the next eight years she lived in the fast-paced and competitive world of London agencies, working hard, playing hard - and keeping her illness secret from everyone. 'Most people with mental-health problems do the same. It's the last taboo. Everybody knows that owning up to a mental-health issue is like the kiss of death to your job prospects.'
Alison had to work hard to keep her secret. 'I was basically being a false person, afraid to let anyone know the real me.' When she felt overwhelmed at work she'd hide in the toilets and cry. On the Tube to work she would suffer from crippling panic attacks, often having to get off halfway through her journey, wait for the panic to subside, then get back on again. The effort involved in keeping her depression a secret made it worse. She would end the day with blinding headaches, and just make it home before she would collapse and cry for hours.
It seems incredible that nobody noticed that anything was wrong, but nobody did. As the strain of keeping up the façade became unbearable, Alison moved gradually into a total breakdown. In spite of being suicidal, she didn't tell her boss about the extent of her illness. 'I said I was suffering from stress, which was acceptable, as I had been working very long hours.' But as weeks passed and she was unable to return to work, she was eventually forced to admit the truth.
And that was when her fears and suspicions were confirmed. Her boss called her in for a meeting where he asked her not to mention her illness to anyone else in the company, and to say she was suffering from a virus. 'He was bitterly disappointed in me. He was angry that I hadn't revealed my depression on my CV, and said something like, "I thought you were brilliant - you had exactly the skills and experience we wanted. And now I find out about this." I tried to point out that I still had exactly the same skills and experiences, but from then on I was a different person in his eyes.'
Alison returned to work a couple of months later, but the atmosphere of distrust she went back to eventually defeated her. 'My boss just kept telling me to be grateful that they were so kind and understanding to have me back.' She soon took sick leave again, and shortly after that her contract was terminated. 'It was all about fear and ignorance. When you tell people you have a mental-health problem, they see the problem and stop seeing the person. If I'd been signed off with glandular fever, or a broken leg, I'd have been away for longer but I wouldn't have faced the total change in attitude. Mental-health problems should be treated like other health problems. There's no difference.'
Alison's experience was a common one. But discrimination can take many forms, from hostility, abuse and denial to apparent kindness. When Diane Hackney developed manic depression 12 years ago, she was away from work for three months. When she returned, her bosses bent over backwards to be sympathetic. 'They handled me with kid gloves. It was as if they were afraid of me. while I was away, they effectively eroded my job. I literally had no work to do.' When the firm introduced a programme of voluntary redundancy, Diane asked for it. 'They were so relieved, you wouldn't believe it. My boss just said, "Thank heavens you volunteered. We didn't like to ask you."'
Diane spent the redundancy money on a trip round the world, and, when she came back happy but broke seven months later, applied for the first job she saw - working in a rehabilitation unit for people with mental-health issues. 'It changed my life as well as my career. I've worked in mental health ever since.' She took a conscious decision not to hide her own problems. 'And I've paid a price for that. It's true that people treat you differently once they know, and in the past I've often felt that I had to be twice as good as co-workers.' But her willingness to be open also makes her a beacon for other people with problems: 'You'd be surprised how many people come to me to talk and get support who wouldn't talk to anyone else, even in this field. Everyone is afraid of the stigma and the ignorance.'
But while ignorance and prejudice infuriate her, she wants to make the point that she is one of only about half a dozen people with mental-health problems who are working at board level in the NHS. She is a non-executive director of the North-East London Mental Health Trust 'who have been very supportive', and a freelance mental-health consultant. 'It's important to let people know that it is possible to have mental-health issues and reach a high level in a demanding but rewarding career.'
Diane is part of a new wave of out, up-front and radicalised people with mental- health issues who are working to change perceptions, legislation and services. One of the newer mental-health support groups is Mad Pride, which was inspired by Gay Pride, and which hopes to achieve its objectives through marches, gigs and happenings rather than just lobbying government and collecting signatures on street corners. According to its website, it is 'the newest civil rights movement'.
Many people with mental-health problems find the word 'mad' insulting and demeaning, they say, 'but we are using it like 'Black'- once a term of abuse and reclaimed by black people - as a badge of pride to be worn on the long march to freedom.'
Maybe it's the very ubiquity of mental-health problems, or recent legislation which is getting tougher about discrimination, but there does seem to be a gradual shift in attitude. Mind Out for Mental Health is a new government-sponsored awareness and action campaign supported by a wide range of organisations, and working to address discrimination on several levels, including media reporting, education and employment.
The campaign works with companies that have been early adopters of more fair and tolerant attitudes, including Marks & Spencer. According to Dr Ann Price, head of Occupational Health at M&S, 'everyone will tell you the roots of discrimination are in lack of knowledge and understanding. We have training programmes for our occupational health staff and HR managers, making sure that they are properly informed about different mental health problems.'
Mind Out for Mental Health has produced an 'employer's tool kit', containing the information and resources for all companies to get access to the same kind of education. Once that basic understanding is in place, the key, according to Dr Price, 'is to treat this as a health problem. Mental-health issues need the same kind of support, information and communication as physical-health issues. If someone is away from work for a while, and needs to come back gradually, we can usually accommodate that as part of a rehabilitation process. Then we can look at job roles and functional capabilities, just as we do for all health issues. Perhaps someone no longer wishes to be customer facing, or to stack heavy boxes, or wants to work reduced hours.'
What people with mental health problems want most of all is a more equal, open and tolerant working culture. 'The workplace is generally not kind to personal problems of any kind,' notes Alison Cowan, 'we still feel the need to present this false, all-coping, no-problem persona. We should be more open about stresses generally, more sensitive to each other as human beings. People with mental-health problems are not a small group of weird people. Stress-related absences account for about half of all sickness from work. We're all in this together.'
Mind over matter
Change will inevitably be slow, and can't happen until there is a widespread, grassroots impulse to change. According to Mind Out for Mental Health, 85 per cent of the general public think that people with mental ill health have been the subject of discrimination for too long. So what are you doing about it?
If you're an employer
You can download the Mind Out For Mental Health employer's tool kit, and find useful resources to help your company develop equal opportunities for people with mental health problems. Go to www.mindout.net.
If you're a sufferer
Find someone to talk to. Saneline is a confidential helpline offering information and support to those affected by mental-health issues. It is open from 12 noon to 2pm every day, on 0845 767 8000.
The Mind Out for Mental Health website contains a very good 'links' section with a long list of other support organisations. See www.mindout.net. If you are 'out' about your problem, Alison Cowan advises that you help people to understand it. 'I've learnt to use analogies that people can understand. So I say that if I had diabetes I'd have to do certain things every day to control it - watch my diet, take care of my general health, take my insulin. Depression is much the same. I keep an eye on my sleeping patterns avoid alcohol, and see my GP regularly. This takes the fear and strangeness away.'
If you're a friend or a colleague
Try to promote an open and respectful atmosphere at work. If you have a colleague in distress, talk to them and ask if you can help them to get help.
Regard mental ill health in the same way as you would physical ill health. Remember that this could be you. Mental-health problems can happen to anybody at anytime.


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Offering a barbecue and sun terrace, Guesthause villa joanna&mattheo is situated in Sarandë in the Vlorë County Region, 18 miles from Corfu Town. Guests can enjoy the on-site restaurant. Free private parking is available on site. Certain rooms include views of the garden or city. The rooms are fitted with a private bathroom. Rooms Joanna&Mattheo features free WiFi . You will find a shared lounge at the property. This guest house has water sports facilities and bike hire and car hire are available. Glyfada is 22.4 miles from Guesthause villa joanna&mattheo, while Paleokastritsa is 21.1 miles from the property.