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Married... with Children
television series
Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.
Season 1Edit
Pilot [1.1]Edit
- Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
- Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
- Al: Yes, Ma'am.
- Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
- Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
- Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.
- Fat Woman: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.
- Al:[picks up a size 7 shoe] Well these are sevens. The box says 9 because... well look lady, you're a nine. I can accept that, why can't you.
- Fat Woman: You're very FRESH!
- Al: No ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I really should've been easing them into the box. So what I'm saying is I'm anything but fresh. By the way, you might want to tell John Henry to give the $100 pumps a rest.
- Fat Woman: Your ad says "courteous service".
- Al: That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owner's. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.
- Fat Woman: Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
- Arnold: I want a balloon.
- Al: You've already got one!
Thinnergy [1.2]Edit
- Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful — like that girl on TV — I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!
- Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
- Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
- Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
- Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.
But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy [1.3]Edit
- Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
- Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!
- Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?
- Steve: Yes, dear.
- Marcy: How do you know?
- Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.
Whose Room Is It Anyway? [1.4]Edit
- Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?
- Steve: Well, Al...
- Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?
- Steve: The French?
- [Al nods in agreement.]
- Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
- Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
- Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!
Have You Driven a Ford Lately [1.5]Edit
- Steve: It's not just a car, honey — it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
- Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
- Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.
- Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.
Sixteen Years And What Do You Get [1.6]Edit
- Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.
- Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
- Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
- Peggy: A can of motor oil?
- Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
Married… Without Children [1.7]Edit
- Al: You are the biggest — by the way, do you have cable?
- Steve: No.
- Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.
The Poker Game [1.8]Edit
- [Al is fitting shoes to an old woman name Lisa.]
- Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
- Al: A bubbling cauldron?
- Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
- Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.
- Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?
- Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
- Peg: [with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
- Al: [surprised] You wouldn't mind?
Peggy Sue Got Work [1.9]Edit
- Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family — and try not to laugh.
- Al: [to Peg] You can't have a VCR.
- Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?
- Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it — maybe — because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.
Al Loses His Cherry [1.10]Edit
- Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.
- Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?
- Luke: I don't know, but I do.
Nightmare on Al's Street [1.11]Edit
- Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.
- Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
- Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
- Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.
- Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.
- Marcy: Why?
- Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.
Where's the Boss [1.12]Edit
- Peg: It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.
- Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, 16, looks 30, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please"?!
- Peg: Hey Al, isn't she the one who got wedged in the escalator?
- Fat Woman: You must be the wife.
- Peg: And you must be why they're starving in China.
Johnny Be Gone [1.13]Edit
- Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.
- Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress?
- Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
- Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."
Season 2Edit
Poppy's by the Tree: Part 1 [2.1]Edit
- Lady: Anything else I can do for you?
- Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
- Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.
Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2 [2.2]Edit
- Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.
If I Were a Rich Man [2.3]Edit
- Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.
- [The radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household.]
- Announcer: And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
- [Al enters the house.]
- Al: I'm home!
Buck Can Do It [2.4]Edit
- Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
- Buck: What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
- Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
- Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?
- Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
- Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
- Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 [2.5]Edit
- Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator
- Steve {stern voice}: Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for this?!
- Al: Yeah.
- Steve {pleasant voice}: Thanks, Al!
- Steve opens can of beer with Al
- Al: [staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
- Steve: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.
- Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?
- Al: Yeah...
- Peg: I bet she had great legs.
- Al: Yeah...
- Peg: And good breasts.
- Al: Yeah...
- Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs?
- Al: Yeah... Wait a minute--with you?
- Peg: Oh, yeah!
- Al: ...Okay.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 [2.6]Edit
- Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
- Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
- Steve: Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?
- Al: Oh yeah, yeah, ah...it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.
- Steve: WHAT?!
- Al: A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.
- Steve: I cannot believe this.
- Al: Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
- Steve: What do you mean?
- Al: Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and you could come in and say something like "12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.
For Whom the Bell Tolls [2.7]Edit
Born to Walk [2.8]Edit
- Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
- Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
- Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.
- Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
- Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
- Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.
Alley of the Dolls [2.9]Edit
The Razor's Edge [2.10]Edit
- Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.
- Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.
- Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for 5 days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for 5 days?
- Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother, and travel.
How Do You Spell Revenge? [2.11]Edit
Earth Angel [2.12]Edit
- Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.
- Peg: You got a night job?
- Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.
- Peg: Well then, you've been missing work.
- [After returning from the bowling riot]
- Al: Did you hear something on the news?
- Peg: Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.
- Al: I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!
You Better Watch Out [2.13]Edit
- Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.
- Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.
- Al: [dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.
Guys and Dolls [2.14]Edit
- Peg: Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.
- Al: Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
- Peg: No, what I just don't get is sex.
- Al: That'll be Bud's new hobby.
- Peg: Sex?
- Al: No! Baseball cards.
Build a Better Mousetrap [2.15]Edit
- Peg: Is it dead, Al?
- Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
- Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
- Al: Nah, now it's personal.
- [Al is going into the basement.]
- Al: Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]
Master the Possibilities [2.16]Edit
- Al: I do not recall ordering this package. Let us see...[looks at albums]...Yodeling Andy's Yodel Songs...Yodeling Andy Yodels the Blues...Yodeling Andy Yodels the Hits...The Best of Yodeling Andy...oh, and Yodeling Andy's bill for $105.89.
- Bud: I have heard of him. He is like a cross between Trini Lopez and Burl Ives.
- Al: Well, I never ordered any records.
- Marcy: Al, the law says that if you are sent something which you did not order, not only are you not required to return it, but you can keep it and use it.
- Al: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?
- [Chicago Grand Hotel. Peg and Al are enjoying a deluxe suite, being in the hot tub]
- Peg: We are obnoxious, but we will give you a big tip!
- Bellboy: Then it is OK. Mr. & Mrs. Bundy, one of the guests wishes to see you.
- Al: Send him in.
- [Old man enters]
- Old Man: Bundy, I am Hiram Massey. I wished to thank you for sending us a bottle of champagne.
- Peg: Oh, that is our way of partying.
- Hiram Massey: My wife wishes to thank you too.
- Al: OK, where is she?
- Hiram Massey: She is a little shy.
- Al: No worries, we are all adults. Send the old bird in!
- Hiram Massey: Come on in, honey.
- [A young woman with curly blonde hair enters]
- Mrs. Massey: Thanks for the bubbly!
- [Peg is surprised at the age difference in marriage, but Al makes a subtle sign by jawing his cigar into an upright diagonal position]]
- Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
- Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
- Bud: Sure.
- Steve: Then it's a-prison he'll be going.
Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah [2.17]Edit
- Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?
- Kelly: Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."
- Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?
- Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.
- Steve: I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.
- Al: Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.
The Great Escape [2.18]Edit
- Al: [walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.
- Old Fat Woman: I need shoes!
- Al: Yeah, the blacksmith's around the corner.
Im-Po-Dent [2.19]Edit
- Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
- Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
- Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
- Peg: My God Al, you are like Steve.
- Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!
- Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
- Marcy: [defeated] Yes.
Just Married... with Children [2.20]Edit
- Al: I welcome death!
- [Al and Peg are posing as Steve and Marcy Rhoades on a game show named "How Do I Love Thee".]
- Bink: Are you ready for the final challenge, Steve?
- Al: What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impail me on a fence? Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!
- Bink: Ok Steve, you and Marcy are going up against an old married couple who may not love each other as much as you and your bride. As always we picked them from our studio audience for the way they filled out our questionnaire: Why I Hate My Spouse. From right here in the windy city. He's a shoe salesman. She's a waste of a human life. Married for 16 years meet Al and Peggy Bundy.
- [Steve and Marcy comes out posing as Al and Peg.]
- [Marcy and Steve are impersonating the Bundys on the TV game show]
- Steve: So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?
- Peg: How'd you find out?
- Steve: Your kids sold you out for a square meal.
- [Kelly and Bud are shown in the TV studio audience munching on junk food]
Father Lode [2.21]Edit
All in the Family [2.22]Edit
- [Everyone but Al is singing "You Are My Sunshine."]
- Peg: Just the boys.
- Bud and Uncle Irwin: Please don't take my sunshine away.
- Peg: Just the girls.
- Kelly and Uncle Otto: You'll never know, dear...
- Uncle Otto: You're not good enough for our family.
- Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.
Season 3Edit
He Thought He Could [3.1]Edit
- Al just had a flashback telling about the mean librarian, Miss DeGroot, and how she was infamous for her stirring sugar in coffee
- Steve: Al, return the book.
- Al: But what if the monster is waiting for me?
- Steve: She is dead.
- Al: How do you know?
- Steve: Medical science, Al. No one can eat that much sugar and live!
- Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!
- [Al tries to bribe Miss DeGroot with a doughnut.]
- Miss DeGroot: Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?
- Al: Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?
I'm Going to Sweatland [3.2]Edit
- Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.
- [Al is trying to fit shoes to three fat women.]
- Fat Woman: They don't fit and your ad says we fit every foot.
- Al: Yes ma'am, but what our problem is what we're dealing with is not what Webster meant by feet. Now let's face it girls, what we got here are rib roast with nails. Now what I suggest is surrounding your toosties with those brown potatoes, wrapped in foil and served with dry wine.
- [The fat women are insulted and leave.]
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story) [3.3]Edit
- Kelly: I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?
- Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.
- Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.
- Peg: [thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200
- Al: [thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.
The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece) [3.4]Edit
- Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.
- Al: Peg?
- Peg: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
- Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?
- Bud: Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?
- Kelly: Your mother.
- Marcy: If I retain any more water, they could build a pier across my butt.
- Al: All three at once. What do they do, give it to each other?
A Dump of My Own [3.5]Edit
- Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
- Peg: I want the lottery.
- Peg: I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.
- Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.
- Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
- Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
- Al: A job.
- Bud: Where's Dad?
- Peggy: In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.
- Peggy: [Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] How was it, honey?
- Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
- Peggy: Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?
- Al: No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [Al turns on TV]
- Man on TV: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup, Roseanne and the Emmy winning Thirtysomething.
- [Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]
- Al: Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.
- Al: Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?
- Peggy: Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.
- Al: Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.
- Peggy: Is that its new name?
Her Cups Runneth Over [3.6]Edit
- [Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store.]
- Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.
- Al: [watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.
The Bald and the Beautiful [3.7]Edit
- Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?
- Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.
- Peg: Ooh! The ribbed kind?
- Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
- Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.
The Gypsy Cried [3.8]Edit
- Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?
- Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
- Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
- Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!
- Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"
- Madam Olga: I feel very strong vibrations here.
- Al: [to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
- Peg: No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.
- Marcy: Is the captain any good?
- Stewardess: Indeed. His hands are rough, but oh so gentle when caressing me.
- Marcy: No! I meant, is he is a skilled aviator?
- Stewardess: How on Earth should I know?
Requiem for a Dead Barber [3.9]Edit
- Al is long haired
- Al: You think I want this? Do you think I appreciate old guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new Grateful Dead album? That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine. They take away the pinball machine...bring in the video game. I do not care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building...unless he was going up there to defenestrate his wife! I do not want a hair salon, I want the barber pole, I want the dog in the corner, I want my hair cut by a man who likes girls but not women.
- Al caves in
- Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.
- [Al comes in with a perm.]
- Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.
- Al: Thanks, Peg.
- Bud: Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.
- Kelly: Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?
- All of Al's friends have perms
- Al: Come on, guys! Lets go out and find a fire hydrant, stick our heads in the hole and wash the gay away!
- Mike: Outside, without our hair nets?
- Al: And move fast! After that, none of us care how long it takes and spare no expense, but we find ourselves a barber!
I'll See You in Court [3.10]Edit
- Al: I don't wanna have sex with you. You're my wife, for Godsakes.
- Steve: [stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...
- [Minutes go by.]
- Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...
Eatin' Out [3.11]Edit
- Al: [ordering dinner for everyone in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.
- Al: Hey, kids, whaddya say? You wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?
- Bud: We wanna see Tears and Vomit.
- Al: Well, you can see that when your mom cooks.
- Al: I forgot my wallet, Peg.
- Bud: He's such a nerd.
- Peg: Now, kids, give your father a chance. (To Al) So, what are your going to do, idiot?
- Peg: How long do you think it will take them?
- Al: Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.
My Mom, the Mom [3.12]Edit
- Peg: [awakens from her sugar coma] Mom, I had the most horrible dream: I was married to a shoe salesman.
- Kelly: Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance) [3.13]Edit
- Al: There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.
- Al: When a Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
- Kelly: [while practicing tap dancing] Nerd-geek-dweeb, duh-weeb-nerd-dork!
- Bud: "Anything Goes". That's your song, isn't it, Kel?
A Three Job, No Income Family [3.14]Edit
- Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?
- Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.
- Captain: Get with the program, Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.
- Al: Marry a redhead.
- Al: Peg, let me explain something. Since you're the only one buying the cosmetics, you're not actually making any money.
- Peg: Oh, yes I am! They send me checks!
- Al: Ah, yes. But you send them much bigger ones. And in business, that's that we call... SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! Why didn't you sell any makeup, Peg?
- Peg: Well, like I told the girls... it's not very good.
- Al: Well, then why did you keep buying it?
- Peg: 'Cause that's how I make my money!
- Al gives a strained look of rage, wiping away a tear.
- Al: How much do we owe for the cosmetics, Peg?
- Peg: (naively) Minus my commission?
- Al: Yes.
- Peg: ...$623.
- Al: (sighs) Well, at least you're not in real estate. (gets up)
- Peg: Where are you going?
- Al: We owe a lot of money, Peg. I know what I have to do...
- Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray.
- Captain: You didn't make the noise, Bundy!
- Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al.
- Peg: (to microphone) Whoosh!
The Harder They Fall [3.15]Edit
- Al: I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.
- Marcy: If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.
- Peg: You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!
The House That Peg Lost [3.16]Edit
- Marcy: Steve, no!
- Steve: Oh come on Marcy. This is so easy a chimpanzee could do it. All they need to do is check mail, newspapers, and see if anything is suspicious.
- Steve hands Al a spare key to the Rhodes residence
- Steve: Besides they are are our neighbors and they look like...Peg and Al are rubbing their hands and leering with glee like a drunk who just won a free six-pack of beer...trustworthy people.
- Marcy: Oh all right. We have to get on the road before it gets jammed in order to make it to my parents' house anyway.
- Al: Have a good time.
- Steve: Thanks Al. It should be pretty routine while I am gone. Oh, and if a chimp comes around, tell him we could not wait any longer.
- [Al and Peg are going outside to sleep.]
- Peg: Oh, no, Al! It's raining!
- Al: Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.
- [Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]
- Al: You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.
- Kelly: Daddy, I was eight years old.
- Al: But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.
Married... with Prom Queen [3.17]Edit
- Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?
- Peg: Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?
- Al: Garbageman.
- Peg: How often do we do we make love?
- Al: Five times a year.
- Peg: It's five times a week, Al.
- Al: Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that.
- Peg: I'm not asking you to do it. Just say it. Okay, now, how many children have we got?
- Al: None.
- Peg: Well, well, if it is not Connie Bender. I still remember what she was known by "Connie Bender, bring a friend, it won't offend her!"
Married... with Prom Queen: the Sequel [3.18]Edit
The Dateless Amigo [3.19]Edit
- Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
- Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. It's a plan without flaws.
- Al: What about tax?
- Steve: You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.
- Marcy: Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
- Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
- Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.
- Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.
- Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
- Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.
The Computer Show [3.20]Edit
- Al: What do I need a computer for?
- Marcy: News updates.
- Al: Newspaper.
- Marcy: Social events.
- Al: TV guide.
- Steve: Recipes.
- Al: [placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
- Steve: Doctor's appointments.
- Al: Don't care.
- Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.
- Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.
Life's a Beach [3.21]Edit
- Peg: Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.
- Al: What, you're gonna get worse?
- A big woman: (to Al) Hey! You're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all-over tan.
- Al: Well, you're asking a lot of the sun.
- Woman: (Sobs) Oh!
- [Steve has just asked Al for a favor.]
- Al: What? Grab your wife's legs and make a wish.
- [Marcy is offended and stands up to try to strangle Al.]
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid [3.22]Edit
- Peg: Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!
- Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.
- Al and Peg's neighbor: He peeped me last night!
- Peg: He peeped YOU??
- Al and Peg's neighbor: Yes, it was horrible!
- Al: But how was it for you?
Season 4Edit
Hot Off The Grill [4.1]Edit
- Peg: Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...
- Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?
- Peg: No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.
- Al: Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...
- [Dissolve to later.]
- Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...
- [Dissolve to still later.]
- Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.
- Al: Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing, and... (looks at Peggy) having sex with our spouses.
- Al: Ah, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, and good food and good friends. (sobs) Oh, God. What a charade! (looks at Peggy) Oh, God!
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]Edit
- Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent. And number two: exercise.
Buck Saves The Day [4.3]Edit
- Boy: I want my mommy.
- Al: Yeah, so does your dad's brother.
- (After Buck returns home with a letter in his mouth)
- Kelly: Hey look, it's Buck!
- Peg: Didn't he go camping with the boys?
- Kelly: (notices the letter) He's carrying something in his mouth.
- (Buck growls)
- Peg: I guess he'll give it to us when he's good and ready.
- (Peg and Kelly walk away, leaving Buck laying down on the couch)
- (After Kelly wins at Poker by cheating)
- Peg: Kelly, I saw you cheating.
- Kelly: Okay Mom, what is it? Your usual 50%?
- Peg: Let's make it 60. That way, you learned your lesson.
Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]Edit
- Bud: Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.
- Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.
- Man: Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you havin'?
- Al: If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]Edit
- Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.
- Bud: Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?
- Peg: Oh, of course not!
- Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.
Fair Exchange [4.6]Edit
Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]Edit
- Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
- Al: Fine.
- Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
- Al: You know, huh?
- Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.
976-SHOE [4.8]Edit
- Peg: Hi, honey. How was your day?
- Al: Eh, I came home. How good could it have been?
- Al: (looking at the phone bill) Hey, we qualify for the gold bill! [all getting excited hovering over Al] Family, please, let's all contain the excitement until after I'm dead.
- Al: Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That's the town they built your mother around, isn't it, Peg?
- Steve[on phone]: Hey, Marcy, good news! I am in the lead in mortgages and in line to win that free trip to Hawaii! Yeah, the hick's signing the papers right now.
- [Farmer gives angry look to Steve]
- Steve: Oh no, not you, I was talking about some other hick. Listen, Marce, the hick is staring at me. I've gotta go.
- [Steve hangs up]
- Farmer: Well, I must thank you Mr. Rhoades. Your loan saved our farm!
- [Steve and farmer shake hands]
- Steve: Well, we only care about you!
- Farmer: You know, you really ought to come over for supper one night.
- Steve: Yeah, wait for me in the window.
- [Farmer leaves bank, Steve boosts his prize meter. Al enters bank]
- Al: Hey, Steve, I'm glad I caught you. I need a loan. Yeah, it'll be great, I'm gonna open a phone line. Now, I know what you're thinking; it's just another sex line, but it's not! This is something I know something about! Ready? 555-SHOE!
- Steve: Al, no banker in his right mind would loan five cents for such a moronic, bunny-brained idea!
- [Another loan officer boosts his prize meter above Steve's]
- Steve: Al, you've got your loan. You need $50,000, you say?
- Al: Well actually, I only need $18,000.
- Steve: No, you need fifty! Sign here, we'll fill in the rest later!
- [Al signs papers]
- [Bank president enters bank] Get lost, Al, it's the president!
- Al: [Shakes hand with bank president] I voted for you.
Oh, What A Feeling [4.9]Edit
- Kelly: Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?
- Al(after a beat): Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.
- (Kelly gets out.)
- Kelly: I didn't get any.
- (Al sighs)
- Al: Kelly, get back in the car.
- (Al looks under the hood)
- Kelly (to Bud): Bud, did you get ice cream?
- Bud (offhand): Uh, yeah, Kel. It was great.
- Kelly (pouting): Where was I?
- Bud: Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?
- Al: Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.
- Bud: Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.
- Al(to Bud): Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key, honey.
- (Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.)
- Al: Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.
- Kelly (muttering as she gets out): Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.
- They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.
- Bud: Hi, Mom.
- Peg: Hi, Kelly.
- Kelly: Hi, Mom.
- Peg: Hi, Bud.
- Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
- Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
- Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
- Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
- Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
- Peg: I want a Cadillac.
- Kelly: I want a Ferrari.
- Bud: I want a Porsche.
- Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
- Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
- Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]
- Al: All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, 300 years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom." Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.
At The Zoo [4.10]Edit
- Girl Scout: You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
- Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
- Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.
- Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
- Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.
- Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
- Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.
- Al: Wet a bed.
- Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.
- Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?
It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]Edit
- Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
- Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
- Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
- Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
- Bud: Two children starving?
- Peg: One untouched wife.
- Al: [to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?
- Al is knocked out. He is revived by a strange man
- Angel: Hey Al, are you OK?
- Al: How did you know my name?
- Angel: Because I am your guardian angel.
- Al: Then prove it. If you are an angel can you make my Christmas lights work?
- Angel snaps fingers and lights are fully functional
- Al: Nice! Hmm, what else could I ask for?
- Angel: Oh come on Bundy, do not be a wish pig!
- Al: You are right. Tell you what, forget about the lights and use your power to make the Hee Haw girls appear.
- Angel{laughing}: I have been waiting for them to die too!
It's A Bundyful Life: Part 2 [4.12]Edit
- Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases...Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!! Oh, yeah! When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie...but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?!
- Al: Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?
- Bud: Money. I can always rent love.
- Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?
- Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?
Who'll Stop The Rain [4.13]Edit
- Peg: Al, just call a roofer.
- Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
- Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
- Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
- Bud: Eat Mom's food!
A Taxing Problem [4.14]Edit
- Peg: It's a good thing I did the taxes. If claiming two children as dependents gets you $300, imagine what 23 kids is worth!
- Al: The gas chamber?
- Al: We need to get some money and get it quick. Let us go through the classifieds.
- Classified #1: Free Money for Fools.
- Al: Nope, no way.
- Al crosses that one out
- Classified #2: Store Toxic Waste at Home.
- Al: Hmm, what do you think Bud? Would you mind growing a second head to help out your dad?
- Bud: I am not sure Dad. My entire wardrobe seems to revolve around one head.
- Al makes marking on ad
- Al: Well, we will circle this as a "maybe". OK, moving on...
- Classified #3: Woman Desperately Needs Hair for Wig. Will Meet Any Price. Red Preferred.
- Al and Bud start to look at each other thinking the same thought
Rock And Roll Girl [4.15]Edit
You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1 [4.16]Edit
- Peg: I want a vacation.
- Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?
- Marcy: God, I hate men!
- Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.
- Kelly: Big news. Mr. Rhoades just dumped Mrs. Rhoades!
- Bud: Really, why?
- Kelly: He ran off to fulfill his dream of being a forest ranger.
- Bud: Where?
- Kelly: The one where Yogi Bear lives.
- Bud: Jellystone? Mr. Rhoades went to Jellystone Park???
- Kelly: Oh no, wait, not that one, the other famous national park Yosemite Mispronounces it yose-a-might.
- Las Vegas. Peg & Marcy are playing craps
- Peg: Don't give me a two because my husband sells shoes.
- Pit Boss: Eleven!
- Players cheer Peg
- Peg: How does this casino avoid bankruptcy?
- Marcy: Peggy, you may have been lucky once.
- Peg: Come on Marcy, lighten up. I will give it another whirl. Come on baby, give a seven or send me up to Heaven!
- Pit Boss: Seven!
- Players cheer Peg again
- Marcy: Ha ha! Peggy you are right, this is fun. How does this place stay in business?
- Screen flips
- Lounge. Peg & Marcy are staring into space dejected
- Marcy: All our money. We lost all our money in eight minutes!
You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2 [4.17]Edit
- Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.
- Al: And I love a woman with things on top.
- Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.
What Goes Around Comes Around [4.18]Edit
- Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
- Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.
- Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.
Peggy Turns 300 [4.19]Edit
- Kelly: My birthday is in February. I'm an Aquarium.
Peggy Made A Little Lamb [4.20]Edit
Raingirl [4.21]Edit
- Al: [using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.
- Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.
- Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.
- Early grave, cha cha cha.
- Everybody — shoot me!
- Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.
- Marcy: Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.
- Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna. He was not the one wearing a miniskirt!
- TV CEO{off-screen}: Listen up, either that dumb bitch goes or you go!
- [Kelly has smug look considering her earlier victory]
- Station Manager: No problem sir, I am ripping up her contract right as we speak!
- [Bundy family watching at home looks in horror, as does Kelly whose smugness turns to shock]
The Agony Of Defeet [4.22]Edit
- Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
- Peg: Well, having the kids.
- Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
- Peg: Having the kids.
Yard Sale [4.23]Edit
- Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."
- Al: A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.
Season 5Edit
We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]Edit
- Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
- Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.
- Peg: Hi, Al. Did you miss me?
- Al: With every bullet so far.
- Peg: [reading TV Guide Fall Preview issue]. We Are Fami-Lee. A Chinese family with three children. [pause] Ohh! I get it! We Are Fami-Lee!
Al...With Kelly [5.2]Edit
- Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.
- Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
- Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
- [Bud enters Bundy residence]
- Peg: Oh good, Bud is back from the store. Did you get our gift for Grandma? Remember, it was one of those "larger women romance novels".
- Bud: Yes, I remember. They were all sold out of The Pie Man Always Rings Twice, so I had to go with her second choice, The Red Fudge of Courage.
- Al: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.
Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]Edit
- Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.
- Al{on the phone}: Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see.
- Al: Bud, how old are you?
- Bud: Sixteen, Dad.
- Al{on the phone}: He is sixteen...What! If you think I'm gonna pay that much... you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna...You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
- Peggy: Well, what'd he say, Al?
- Al: Nothing I haven't said myself.
- Al{on the phone}: Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!
- Al hangs up
- Al: There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!
- Peg, Kelly & Bud{in unison}: Cheap, cheap, cheap!
- Peg: Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?
- Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
- Al's car, driven by Kelly, was in a crash
- Al: Were the kids hurt?
- Peg: No.
- Al grabs baseball bat
- Al: Then I will have to do the job myself.
The Unnatural [5.4]Edit
- Al: [three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!
The Dance Show [5.5]Edit
- Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.
- Al is home alone. Doorbell rings
- Al{talking to himself}: Well, I hope that's a Jehovah's Witness. Al is holding baseball bat Wanting to discuss hours of philosophical observation.
- Al answers door. A man is there
- Man: Are you Al Bundy?
- Al: Yes. Hold the applause. What do you want?
- Man: I just want you to know that your wife has been seen with my husband.
Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]Edit
- Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.
- Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.
- Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.
- Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.
- Al: Hey, Peg — still on strike?
- Peg: What does it look like?
- Al: You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.
Married...With Aliens [5.7]Edit
- Peg: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.
- Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!
- Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?
- Al: I lost the pictures.
- Aliens pose for new pictures
- Al: No, sorry, guys, I busted the camera in my anger. Nothing ever goes right for me. Sometimes I wonder if Al Bundy was ever meant to be in this universe at all.
- Aliens put arms over Al in support
- Al: Thanks, guys. You can have my socks. By the way, what do you need them for?
- Aliens: PEZUZU.
- Subtitle: FUEL.
- Narrator: It was a time of great darkness. A giant comet cut a path of destruction through the universe. The one man who could save them all was unappreciated on his homeworld. But on planet Preludon, they still sing songs about the man whose socks created fuel for the ships that battled the comet and stopped it, savings hundreds of worlds to include Earth. This man's name? Al Bundy!
Wabbit Season [5.8]Edit
- Al: First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."
- Peg: So what?
- Al: [starts crying] TODAY'S WEDNESDAY!
- Al: [singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming over on Friday night, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy [5.9]Edit
- Peg: [to Al] Are you enjoying your day off?
- Al: Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?
- Al is shirtless and walking out the front door
- Peg: Where are you going?
- Al: Where does it look like I'm going?
- Peg: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?
One Down, Two To Go [5.10]Edit
- Peg: Al, our baby's gone. Hold me.
- Al: I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?
- Peggy: Bud, was I a good mother?
- Bud: Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.
And Baby Makes Money [5.11]Edit
- [Reading of the will of Al's cousin Stymie.]
- Ms. Penza: "And so in legacy, I, Stymie C. Bundy, leave you, the last surviving male Bundys, proof that a male Bundy can achieve great success. Did I mention that I never married? Well, regardless, I'm certain that you have all become successful in your own ways. Iggy Bundy, I hope you graduated college."
- [Iggy is shown with his ugly wife staring into space.
- Ms. Penza: "Lester Bundy, I hope you became an astronaut."
- [Lester is also shown with an ugly wife, wearing the uniform of a gas station attendant, holding a squeegee.]
- Ms. Penza: Eugene Bundy, I hope you became a bank president.
- [Eugene is shown wearing handcuffs and leg irons, shadowed by an armed prison guard.]
- Eugene Bundy: I did.
- Ms. Penza: "And Al... get your hand out of your pants!"
- [Al takes it out, both mortified and irritated.]
- Ms. Penza: "I have no hope for you, but if I can give you any advice, at least dump that redhead who lifted my wallet! Regarding the disbursement of my estate, the first Bundy to sire a male child in my name, Stymie C. Bundy II, will inherit my entire estate of $500,000.
- [Iggy Bundy starts making out with his wife, as does Lester Bundy. Eugene Bundy is about to follow suit but realizes he is single and looking at a guard who has a shotgun pointed at him, then chuckles ashamedly.]
- Peg: And then of course there's that ten months of pregnancy.
- Marcy: Ten?
- Peg: Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.
Married... With Who [5.12]Edit
- Peg: [reads test questions from a magazine to Al] Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B...
- Al: B!
- Marcy: I slept with a man but I do not know who he is.
- Al: I know. He slept with you. He is the dumbest man in the whole wide world.
- Marcy': I am married now.
- Peg: How did this happen?
- Marcy: Because I slept with him, but I do not even know my new name!
- Al: Oh, come on Marcy. If that was the case then you would be Mrs. Pizza Delivery Boy, Mrs. Insurance Agent, Mrs. Navy!!
- Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) All right! Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.
- Kelly: Bye, Daddy.
- Peg: No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.
- Marcy: Oh shut up. It's me, it's me!
- Al{on phone}: Yeah, we are having a wedding so we need about 2 pounds of cold cuts. What is your cheapest stuff?...Yes, I will take the beaks and claws! I still think 12 cents a pound is damn steep.
- Al hangs up. Jefferson enters Bundy residence
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey there Al, we have not had a chance to get to know each other, but you seem like a good guy. Can I share something with you?
- Al: Sure what is up?
- Jefferson: I have a dark secret that I have not yet told Marcy.
- Al: Oh, was it by chance "If I see any beaks or claws at my wedding I will snap and start murdering people with an axe?"
- Jefferson: No, I was recently released from prison. I want to tell Marcy when the time is right, but I needed to tell someone. Can you keep it under wraps.
- Al: No problem. Talking to Al Bundy is like talking to the wind.
- Jefferson: Thanks Al.
- Jefferson departs Bundy residence
- Al: Peg, Peg!
- Peg comes downstairs
- Peg: What is it, Al?
- Al: I have got a secret!
- Bundy's backyard. Al organized a slapdash wedding for Jefferson and Marcy
- Peg: What are all these people doing here?
- Al: It is Kelly. She blackmailed me that she would tell Marcy of our plans for the money unless she could use our place for a party.
- Peg: Oh Al, I think this will eat into our funds.
- Al: No worries, I took evasive action and eliminated some of the guests.
- Marcy: Where is my mother?
- Al: Your mother? Oh yeah, she called me and said she doesn't love you anymore.
- Marcy: WHAT?! Where is my Aunt Rita?
- Al: She got snowed in.
- Marcy: She lives in Phoenix, Arizona!
- Al: Son, you are looking at the proud owner of Section 32 of Lake Chicamacomico! I just used my $1,000 for the final payment.
- Bud: Where is Kelly?
- Al: She took off to Wisconsin with some of the bikers from the wedding. No worries, I am sure she can find her way home.
- Bud: How about Mom?
- Al: A one-way ticket to Hawaii cost about $1,000. She took her accordion, so she can busk on the streets of Kaneohe until she earns enough to come back home. Shows Bud a picture from pamphlet These redwoods are over a millenium old. I am going to cut down one of these babies so the stump can be a base for my satellite dish! Jefferson enters Bundy residence
- Jefferson: Well Al, you sure have gotten my marriage off to a great start. Considering my past, I cannot be too mad at you for scamming Marcy, but I am more annoyed you betrayed my confidence. Oh well, we have goodwill between us, and I am looking forward to domestic suburban life with the little woman.
- Marcy{roaring from D'Arcy residence}: JEFFERSON, GET YOUR WORTHLESS BUTT IN HERE, NOW!!
- Jefferson: Got to go.
- Bud: Mr. D'Arcy, forgive me for asking, but what were you in prison for?
- Jefferson: No problem, I did not do anything violent. It was just I participated with some other con men in a real estate scam to sell plots of land around a toxic waste dump called Lake Chicamacomico. That place is so polluted it will not be safe for habitation until A.D. 5,000,000. That hit the news four years ago. Some of the truly stupid are still sending in payments!
- Jefferson departs Bundy residence. Al is dumbstruck that he did not do better research
- Al: I bought land near a polluted area? Still, this beats being stuck in Hawaii with your mother, right Bud?
- Bud is unsure of remark
- Al: I will manage, besides what is five million years in one man's life anyway?
- Al fantasizes about spending time with Bud. Both are at Al's resort, to the whistling tune of The Andy Griffin Show
- Sign: LAKE CHICAMACOMICO. If you can read this, you should be dead by now!
- Al and Bud approach a bubbling polluted lake full of steaming industrial waste. Bud has become bald. Al pats Bud on the back, then his arm falls off, and both laugh. As Al and Bud approach lake, both have grown rodent-like tails
The Godfather [5.13]Edit
- [Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel.]
- Peg: Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?
- Al: Well, I thought, since it isn't attached any more, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?
- Al: Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.
- Peg: That's why our marriage works.
- Al: [in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!
Look Who's Barking [5.14]Edit
- Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.
- Hans: Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.
- Kelly: Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.
- Hans: I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.
- Kelly: Bye! [slams the door in his face]
A Man's Castle [5.15]Edit
- Al: Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do — but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.
- Men cheer Al on; Al goes home
- Man #2: How about yourself?
- Man #1: I am taking my chances in there!
- Man goes into broken bathroom
- Bundy residence. Al enters to the tune of Bad to the Bone. He eats multiple tacos and drinks hot sauce from the bottle. Al heads up to the bathroom. Two minutes later, Peg and all of her classmates from interior decorating school flee Bundy residence
- Screen crawl: And the very next day, Al got his bathroom back.
All Night Security Dude [5.16]Edit
- Al: You know that new aerobics center up above me. The one with the sign "Quarter-ton Discount"? Well today they played Van Halen's "Jump" & damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful Peg. The ceiling opened up down they came walking off the set.
- Al: I was not born to be a busboy. I'm a shoe-man born & bred damn it.
- Al: Can this be true? Am I not a man I laughed at as a child?
(Bud and his girlfriend walk in)
- Bud: Hi, Dad.
- Al: Hi, son. It's not the way it looks, I was just crying on the floor.
- Al: It came down to two great players. Yours truly, and a kid from Andrew Johnson High they called "Spare Tire."
- Bud: Why, because he was fat?
- Al: No, because he wore one, with a chain around his neck.
- Al: (after telling Bud the story of his championship run.) Son, that's the story of the greatest sports moment in all of history.
- Bud: You know, Dad, some say your knee was down before you crossed that goal line...
- Al: MY KNEE WAS NOT DOWN! THAT'S A DIRTY, STINKING LIE! (calms down) The victory was ours. For the school, the championship. For me All City, and the legend. Then your mother... the end. OH, GOD!
- (The thief of Polk High School's 1974 championship football trophy has been revealed; a black man who bears a striking resemblance to Bubba Smith)
- Al: You... Spare Tire Dixon! Why'd you do it? Why'd you steal my trophy?
- Spare Tire: I took it because it belongs to me. That was our championship. You never crossed that goal line. I dropped you like Third Period French. Your knee was down.
- Al: Was not!
- Spare Tire: Was too!
- Al: Was not!
- Spare Tire: Was too!
- Al: Not!
- Spare Tire: Too!
- Al: ...Wait a second, what were we talking about?
- [They turn away, muttering to themselves.]
- Al: (over Spare Tire) Let's see, I got no dinner... got in the car... car ran out of gas, had to push it...
- Spare Tire: (over Al) I put on my uniform... took the bus... damn kids took the car...
- Al/Spare Tire: Oh, yeah... trophy!
- Spare Tire: The trophy you cheated me out of! Should have been mine, Bundy. Headline should have read, "Spare Tire Crushed Unidentified White Man At Goal Line." I was supposed to play college ball, but it never happened. You know why?
- Al: You're too stupid?
- Spare Tire: No, it was because after that game I fell into a deep depression. And I turned where so many great athletes before me have turned... pie. Come the tryouts, I couldn't get into a three-point stance unless there was a pie on the floor. My career was over. You stole the glory that should have been mine.
- Al: I had a little bit of glory, yeah. But you had pie, and I haven't eaten in 19 years! I'd give you that trophy right now for a piece of pie! So pardon me if I don't cry for you, Argentina, but I sell women's shoes, and I'm married!
- Spare Tire: Oh, yeah? Well, I bet your mother-in-law doesn't look like this.
- (Spare Tire opens his wallet and shows a photo that makes Al cringe.)
- Al: No... my mother-in-law looks like this!
- (Al opens his wallet and shows Spare Tire a photo that makes Spare Tire cringe.)
- Spare Tire: Okay, okay!
- (Spare Tire uses chalk to mark the floor.)
- Spare Tire: There's the line, Bundy. Only way you're getting this trophy, is by getting past me.
- (Al's knee nearly hits floor, but Al imposes self-control. Al pushes the football past the chalk line, and both he and Spare Tire collapse to the ground.)
- Spare Tire: (panting) Nice run, Bundy.
- Al: (panting) Nice... nice hit, Spare Tire.
- Spare Tire: We were two pretty good athletes, weren't we?
- Al: Hey, we're still great athletes!
- (pause)
- Al: I'm hurt real bad, you know.
- Spare Tire: Me, too.
- Al: I can't get up.
- Spare Tire: Me neither.
- Al: Sleepy-time now?
- Spare Tire: Oh, yes.
- (They both pass out.)
Oldies But Young 'Uns [5.17]Edit
- Al: I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.
- [Jefferson, Marcy, and Peg are trying to guess the song Al is humming.]
- Marcy: "Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?
- Al: No.
- Jefferson: "Go Tell Pharaoh"?
- Al: No! This is a song from my youth.
- Peg: "Look, It's a Wheel"?
- Kelly: I am angry at Vinnie.
- Doorbell rings
- Kelly: If that is Vinnie, tell him I am not home.
- Bud: Tell you what Kel, you should tell him.
- Kelly: Good idea. Kelly answers door I am not home!
- Vinnie Verducci: Then will you tell me when you will be back?
- Peg and Bud look with shock
- Bud: Mom, if my switched at birth theory is correct, I think we just found Kelly's natural brother.
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers [5.18]Edit
- Bud: Dad, I won a contest! I get to fly to the District of Columbia where I will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States!
- Al: My boy going to meet the President! What a concept. Son, bring me back some of that presidential toilet paper. I bet that stuff is the best. Oh, and you know that woman he is always with...what's her name, Mrs. President? She seems like a nice lady. Get her to make a home-cooked meal for you to take back for me.
- Bud rolls eyes
- Bud: Uh, sure Dad. I will remember. All I need is $100 to cover taxes and travel expenses.
- Al: $100?! Why for that kind of money we could get the President to come here!
- Bud: Tell you what, give me all the cash you have on hand and we will call it even. Al and Peg empty pockets: Bud surrenders ticket Oh, just a little food for thought as you are booking your first-class ticket to Acapulco...You can't win! You are ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now an employee of Weenie Tot. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!
- Peg: Al, we cannot redeem the ticket!
- Al: No problem, I have the perfect ploy.
- Screen flips
- Marcy and Jefferson are sitting on Al's couch
- Al: So you redeem the ticket, and we are talking a 50/50 split.
- Marcy{enraged}: Al Bundy, this is the dumbest scam you have concocted so far! Cheating an American business. Only a criminal would agree.
- Jefferson: I will do it.
- Marcy rolls eyes remembering her husband is an ex-con, then talks to him in private
- Marcy{sighing}: Dear, at least remember that despite your past, you were a white-collar criminal. The best this man can hope to become is a ring-around-the-collar criminal!
- Peg: Well, at least it's over.
- Al: Oh, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over!
Kids! Whaddya Gonna Do? [5.19]Edit
- Bud: I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.
- Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.
- Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
- Al: I didn't steal your bra.
Top Of The Heap [5.20]Edit
- Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
- Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.
- Mona: Really? When?
- Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.
You Better Shop Around: Part 1 [5.21]Edit
- Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.
You Better Shop Around: Part 2 [5.22]Edit
- Jefferson: Drop dead!
- Peg: Lick feet!
- Marcy: Eat dirt!
- Al: Grow hair!
- Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
- Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
- [Bud and Kelly slink away.]
- Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.
Route 666: Part 1 [5.23]Edit
- [Peg, Kelly and Bud are in search for Al's money.]
- Peg: I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.
- Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.
- Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.
- Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.
- Laundry basket
- Sign: Peg, PLEASE do the laundry! Love, Al
- Al removes dirty laundry to reveal hidden cash box. Bud sneaks up on him
- Bud: Smart move, Dad. Hiding something in a place Mom would avoid.
- Al: AUGH! It is not what you think.
- Bud: Then you were not hiding money to not share with us.
- Al: Then it is what you think.
- Bud: Why were you stockpiling cash?
- Al: To go to this year's Shoe Convention.
- Bud: Shoe Convention?? You are saving for a Shoe Convention??!? I do not know why you were secretive about that with us. Besides, I thought that after the infamous fire you caused with your "Shoe Lights" at the 1987 Convention that you were banned from all Shoe Conventions for life.
- Al: Jim Thompson was not. That is the name I registered under.
- Bud: But Dad...
- Al{interrupting}: Jim!
- Bud: Oh sorry. Anyway, "Jim", surely even the dullest of the dull men has asked himself, "Why am I even looking forward to a Shoe Convention"?
- Al: Oh you know, keep your business skills sharp, look at the latest shoe technology. Oh, and this year's Shoe Convention will be in Los Angeles.
- Bud: L.A? Where there are swimming pools, movie stars, and big manmade hooters?
- Al: Yup!
- Peg: Oh, Al, the rubes think I'm sexy.
- Al: Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.
Route 666: Part 2 [5.24]Edit
- Bud segregates one gold nugget
- Bud:This is for my apartment.
- Bud segregates two gold nuggets
- Bud: This is for the Corvette.
- Bud plops down entire bag of gold
- Bud: And this is for Miss February.
Buck The Stud [5.25]Edit
- [Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar.]
- Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.
- Al: I didn't even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.
Season 6Edit
She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]Edit
- Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
- Al: Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
- Marcy: That's right, Al, but I don't need to explain to you what it's like to carry around small things.
- Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
- Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
- Jefferson: I am actually looking forward to this. Our babies will grow up together, we will be on hand to raise them. In due time we will send them off to college. By that time I will be 50 and you will be 118!
- [While watching television, a pregnant Peg turns to Al as he comes home looking similar to Simeon Pathetica.]
- Announcer: Note the stoop shoulders and the dull blank look.
- Peg: Can I have your autograph.
She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]Edit
- Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.
- Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?
- Kelly: Oh.
- Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?
- Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
- Bartender: Oh, L.A.!
- Al sees man with head buried on bar
- Al: Hey pal, you want to hear about a real jackass? See, I have this neighbor, Jefferson, who is a real doormat to his wife. Why just the other day he...
- Man lifts up head to reveal himself as Jefferson
- Al: AUGH! Oh, I mean there are so many guys named Jefferson...
- Jefferson: No worries Al, I am leaving Marcy.
- Al: Really?? How come?
- Jefferson: It was the baby convention that did it. All those swollen bellies and screaming infants proved too much for me.
If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]Edit
- Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.
- Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
- Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!
- Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
- Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.
- Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
Cheese, Cues And Blood [6.4]Edit
Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]Edit
- Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.
- Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
- Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
- Peg: Our countries are very much alike.
Buck Has A Belly Ache [6.6]Edit
If I Could See Me Now [6.7]Edit
- Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.
- Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro.
God's Shoes [6.8]Edit
- Al: How long was I out?
- Kelly: Two hours.
- Al: Why didn't you call 911?
- Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.
Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 1 [6.9]Edit
Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 2 [6.10]Edit
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick [6.11]Edit
- Al: [narrating] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.
- Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...
- Bud: Repulsed by you?
- Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
- Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?
- Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?
- Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.
So This Is How Sinatra Felt [6.12]Edit
- Kelly and Bud sneak into Al's workplace to spy on his "shoe groupie". Kelly motions to hide behind the cash register
- Bud: Hide here? What are we going to do when Dad makes a sale?
- Kelly motions to cash register, which is coated with cobwebs
- Bud: Oh. It's Dad, get down!
- Al enters workplace
- Al{talking to himself}: Open for business!
- Al's optimism sharply decreases when he sees no customers. Al stares into space then buries his face in his hands. A few hours later Al still has his depressed pose
- Bud: Quite an advertisement for college, eh, Kel?
- Kelly: Huh? What are you talking about?
- Leona, an ugly woman enters shoe store
- Kelly & Bud{[in unison]: It's the groupie, it's the groupie!
- Leona: Sir?!?
- Al: Take a number!
- Leona goes to cash register and takes a ticket
- Al: What is your number?
- Leona: One!
- Al: How may I serve you?
- Leona: I want my money back. These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
- Al: Well, let me explain. See, it's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit on these shoes. What's say I nail the soles directly to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
- Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
- Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?
- Leona leaves store in rage; Bud sees that was obviously not the woman they were looking for
- Al: Now serving Number Two!
- No other people are seen in store; Al goes back to burying head in hands
- Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.
I Who Have Nothing [6.13]Edit
The Mystery Of Skull Island [6.14]Edit
- Peg: [reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."
- Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!
- Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.
- Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.
- Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.
Just Shoe It [6.15]Edit
Rites Of Passage [6.16]Edit
- Al: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks — the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants — the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut — the nudie bar.
- Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.
The Egg And I [6.17]Edit
- Al: Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.
- Steve: And none of you could tell me that she was married.
- Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the children.
- Al: Let me tell you something, I served my country. I played high school football. Four touchdowns in one game, yet I'm not exempt of state and federal taxes. Is this how you treat us heroes? No, you flash that badge to some registered voter. We're Bundys, we hate cops!
- [Marcy has just broken up Steve and Jefferson's fight]
- Steve: He's your husband?! Were you soo depressed that you married this? Whoa, the desperation.
- Jefferson: This is the mighty Steve?! The one you used to throw in my face. The one who wasn't much too look at but at least he had a job.
- Steve:[offended] Oh you gigolos make me sick. You thik just because a man divorces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back! So you can pack up your hair and profile and find some another heartbroken, discarded middle-aged woman to marry. And leave us decent folk to our happy home.
- Jefferson: Pardon me, Yogi. You're not wanted here anymore. Marcy's got a real man now.
My Dinner With Anthrax [6.18]Edit
- Bud: Dad...
- Al: Go away.
- Bud: This isn't about money.
- Al: Go away anyway.
- Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
- Al: All right, what?
- Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday, the 30th. Can we? Please?
- Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.
- Salesman: Welcome to Hurricane Hole! Oops, sorry, let me get that for you.
- Salesman sprays an insect on the wall
- Peg: Sir, we are on our honeymoon! You could at least have the decency to allow us to have sex and wait another eight seconds before you barge in here!
- Al: Look, I do not think I want to buy a time share.
- Salesman: I guess I have to give up...but not before I play my trump card! Salesman turns on radio, which plays Kookie, Kookie. Edd Byrnes enters, which excites Peg Say hello to Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, star of 77 Sunset Strip! Now Edd, why did you come to Hurricane Hole?
- Edd Byrnes: Because you gave me one for free, Stan.
- Salesman{annoyed}: Well Kookie, guess you were a good actor but a lousy pitchman! to Peg & Al Look, all it is are easy payments of $6 a month.
- Peg: Sir, please. My husband is on sabbatical from his job selling shoes and we just want to make love.
- Salesman: Shoe salesman?! In that case I know you cannot afford $6 timeshare payments. I want you people off the premises by 5!
- Salesman and Edd Byrnes leave, but Edd has helped himself to Al's stash of girlie magazines
- Peg: Well, that still gives us plenty of time.
- Peg makes out with a reluctant Al
- Al: Oh no! I have no girlie magazines! Kookie, Kookie, give me back my Big 'Uns!
- Charlie Benante: It came out of the fridge... why is it hot?
- Last lines of episode
- Kelly: Hi Dad. How was Florida?
- Al: Oh, you know, hot, muggy, kitschy. What I expected.
- Bud: Did you bring anything back?
- Al: Only thing I could think of. Say hello to our new houseguest, Mr. Byrnes.
- Edd Byrnes enters Bundy residence
- Edd Byrnes: Hey kids, I got a treat for each of you!
- Edd hands Kelly and Bud each a comb, then goes outside
- Al: Care to tell me who those men camping out on my front lawn are?
- Kelly: Oh, that is just Anthrax, Daddy. They ate Mom's mystery pack so the Red Cross quarantined them to our house for six months.
- Al: Swell. I can only imagine what ungodly music I will be made to bear for the next six months.
- Anthrax is outdoors with Edd Byrnes
- Charlie Benante: Hey, this really rocks!
- Anthrax{singing in unison}: Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb!
Psychic Avengers [6.19]Edit
- Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.
- [Al enters.]
- Al: Why doesn't the world die?
- Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
- Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?
- Bud: Come on Mr. Darcy, you are just jealous that my dad is running this better than you did.
- Jefferson: Yes, I admit that with your dad in control we are making more money in a week than I did in a month, but I am worried about the attention we are attracting. Most of all, I am worried about your father. Something has changed about him.
- Al enters in a white suit like a Mafia don
- Al: People to rip off, I love it! Come on you little moneymakers, daddy needs a new pair of everything!
- Jefferson: Al, you have done it this time! For the sake of my own safety, this partnership is dissolved.
- Al: Fine, more for me!
- Jefferson: I do not think you are fully aware of what you did by offending Madame Inga. Word is she is gathering all the dark forces of Sweden to invoke a curse on your house.
- Al laughs uproariously
- Al: You should listen to yourself! The dark forces of Sweden?! Oh no, the Swedish are after me! What can they do? Transform my Dodge into a Volvo? See my house is now furnished by Ikea? Or even worse, I wake up one morning next to some long-legged, blonde Nordic beauty with amazing bazoombas!
High I.Q. [6.20]Edit
- Kelly: I got invited to a party!
- Bud: A party?
- Kelly: You know when you line up your toy soldiers and put a cupcake in front of each of them? Kind of like that, only this is with real people, Bud!
- Bud: Oh hearty har har. Who invited you?
- Kelly: Must be a frat party. The return address says "Alpha".
- [Bud looks at letter, then is shocked]
- Bud: Kel, this is not a fraternity. Alpha is an elite organization of people with IQs of a certain percentile. I got rejected from this!
Teacher Pets [6.21]Edit
- Kelly: [on phone] Hello, Reverend Fletcher. Has Hell frozen over? Well something's up. My brother Bud has a date! Yes, Bud! Okay, yes, church is the place to be at times like this. Okay, I'll be right down. It's the building with the big T on the roof, right? [Puts down phone and runs out the front door]
- Al: Hey Bud, Mom is sick. Get her an aspirin.
- Bud: I am bushed.
- Al: No pressure. Do it tomorrow.
- Bud: Dad, why are you dressed like that?
- T-shirt: I'M WITH ANDY
- Al: Little Andy Maynard is having his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. He is going to have pizza! [Al wraps present] Of course there is nothing in the box, but when they realize that, I will be full and gone!
- Bud: Dad, did you ever have to date two women at once?
- Al: Did I? You are talking to Old #33 here!! Do you know why they called me that?
- Bud: Because the maximim you ever had in your savings account was $33?
- Al: No! Because those are the number of girls who were all over me! My recommendation is to go with both until you tire out.
- Bud: Did I also mention one of them is over 40 and my teacher?
- [Al removes T-shirt]
- Al{more serious tone}: No you did not, son. Change of plans.
- Bud: How come?
- Al: Bud, it could be possible a cougar is not after you, she could be after the Bundy fortune.
- Bud: Dad, it can't be. She can exceed our family's money from the items in her car trunk.
- Bud{thinking to himself}: Two, two, two babes at once. God, I envy me!
- Student #1: Hey, did you hear, Miss McGowan quit!
- Student #2: How come?
- Student #1: She ran off with the football player. She said he was the only one who could ever satisfy her!
- Bud{thinking to himself}: No problem, more time for the young babe.
- Bud: Good news babe, now you've got me all to yourself.
- Brittany: Drop dead. If you couldn't satisfy an older woman like Miss McGowan, what the hell would I want with you?
- Bud: Fine by me. I've yet to see a temp that didn't need a little lovin'.
- Ugly old woman enters classroom
- Old woman: I'm Mrs. A. Mariner, and I'll be the new teacher for the rest of the semester. [Mrs. Mariner sees Bud and pinches his cheeks]
- Bud{thinking to himself}: Welp, one advantage of being rock bottom is that you cannot get any lower.
- Al barges into classroom with a policeman
- Policeman: You are under arrest for conducting a lewd relationship with a minor!
- Policeman places Mrs. Mariner in handcuffs
- Mrs. Mariner: What on Earth is happening to me?
- Al: You pudding of a woman! You cannot seduce my son, have your way with him sexually than expect to get away scot-free! I played high school football; I know the score!
- Al{talking to Bud}: Son, are you really going out with this prune-face?
- [Policeman ushers out Mrs. Mariner. Al departs classroom too, leaving everyone confused and leaderless. Bud goes up to teacher's desk]
- Bud: I have no idea who that man was!
- Bud{thinking to himself}: This is obviously a nightmare. I need to shock myself awake. I know, I will drop my pants in front of the entire class. That will do it!
- [Offscreen, Bud lowers his pants to the shock of entire class]
- Bud{thinking to himself}: Must be even more intense. I dreamed I have no underwear!
- [Al returns to classroom]
- Al: Son, I am sorry for that ruckus but damnit I love you! Oh, by the way, Mommy's out of tampons, she needs you to pick up some from the drugstore after school. [Al sees Bud] God damn it, Bud for the love of all that is holy can I ask you for ten minutes of chastity and self-control!
The Goodbye Girl [6.22]Edit
- Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?
- Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could exit through an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into "The Facts of Life" fan club pavilion. Thank God it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?
The Gas Station Show [6.23]Edit
England Show: Part 1 [6.24]Edit
- Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.
- Peg: AL!
- Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?
- Al: I'd like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I'm not proposing a solution, 'cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I'd just like to say "I don't like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"
- Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.
- Al: Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.
- Crowd: No!
- Al: I thought not.
- Winston: It is the St Paul's Cathedral.
- The Bundys: Great.
- Winston: There is Parlament.
- The Bundys: Great.
- Winston: Tower Bridge.
- The Bundys: Great.
- Winston: And the Trafalgar Square.
- The Bundys: Great.
- Winston: The Buckingham Palace.
- The Bundys: Great.
- Bud: Look! A McDonald's!
- Al: Peg, quick! Get the camera!
England Show: Part 2 [6.25]Edit
- Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
- Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?
- Peg: You're the king, baby.
- Al: Make me believe it.
- Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?
- Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
- Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!
- Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!
- Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!
- 5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?
England Show: Part 3 [6.26]Edit
- Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
- Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!
- Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
- Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
- Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?
- [hanging from the wall of a dungeon]
- Al: What're you in for?
- Old Man: Stole an ashtray from the Ritz. You?
- Al: Towel from the Savoy. What do they feed you in here?
- Old Man: Bread and water.
- Al: ...Then it's truly the best vacation I ever had!
Season 7Edit
Magnificent Seven [7.1]Edit
- Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it, Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that--with love--from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.
- Bud: I don't get it. I'm so cute. What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms, chest...and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.
- [Peg walks in and sees him grabbing his butt]
- Peg: You really should talk to Daddy.
- Al: Don't mind me, son, just avoiding your mother. Hey now, what's this? Hooters, absolutely no faces.
- Al: Bud, did you do this? [short pause] Oh God look at my life, I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot!
- [Al walks towards the mirror & looks at himself]
- Al: I don't get it. I'm so cute. How could this be my fate? I should've married for money. Always had the bod, arms, God never made a nicer butt.
- [Peg walks in, sees Al grabbing his butt and leaves silently]
- [The Dodge stops at Springfield on a map]
- Gas Station Attendant: Fill 'er up, sir?
- Al: Nope. Making a delivery.
- [Toilet flushes]
- [The Dodge then stops at Nashville]
- [Someone not speaking English]
- Al: Yeah, whatever.
- [Toilet flushes again]
- [The Dodge then stops in Altanta]
- Announcer: And the Atlanta Braves take the field.
- [The toilet flushes for a third time]
T-R-A Something, Something, Spells Tramp [7.2]Edit
Every Bundy Has A Birthday [7.3]Edit
Al On The Rocks [7.4]Edit
What I Did For Love [7.5]Edit
Frat Chance [7.6]Edit
- Kelly: Did something die in here?
- Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."
- Kelly: Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.
- Bud: And nobody does it better.
- [Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down.]
- Bud: Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
- Al: Not secret enough, son.
The Chicago Wine Party [7.7]Edit
Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore [7.8]Edit
Rock Of Ages [7.9]Edit
Death Of A Shoe Salesman [7.10]Edit
The Old College Try [7.11]Edit
Christmas [7.12]Edit
- Kelly: Daddy.
- Al: What?
- Kelly: I forgot. Oh, yeah! Daddy.
- Al: What?
- Kelly: I forgot again. Don't say "what" next time.
- Al: Okay, Pumpkin.
- Kelly: Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. DADDY!
- Al: WHAT?
- Kelly: Now you made me forget again.
- [In a few minutes later.]
- Kelly: Daddy.
- Al: Damn, what is that good for to do? You just gonna forget.
- Kelly: No, I won't. Daddy.
- Al: What?
- Kelly: I forgot.
- Bud: Hooters?
- Al: Playboys?
- Bud: Playboys.
- Al: Hooters.
- Al and Bud: YES! YES! YES!
The Wedding Show [7.13]Edit
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This [7.14]Edit
Heels on Wheels [7.15]Edit
Mr Empty Pants [7.16]Edit
- Peg: I sure hope Al does not wise up to the fact that is he is legally entitled to half his money.
You Can't Miss [7.17]Edit
Peggy And The Pirates [7.18]Edit
Go For The Old [7.19]Edit
Unalful Entry [7.20]Edit
- Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?
- Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.
The Movie Show [7.21]Edit
(Kelly has just found her boyfriend at the movies, where the Bundys are as well, with another girl, but she seems to take it well, until she rejoins the rest of her family.)
- Kelly: (calmly) Daddy, beat him up.
- Al: (instantly) Of course, pumpkin.
(Al marches over to Kelly's boyfriend and proceeds to beat the snot out of him as his date flees the cinema and the studio audience cheers him on; eventually, he returns to his seat)
- Al: And that's why cable will never replace the moviegoing experience. (puts his arms around Peg, Bud, and Kelly's shoulders)
'Til Death Do Us Part [7.22]Edit
- Kelly: What time is it?
- Bud: 12:15.
- Kelly: A.M. or B.M?
- Bud{sarcastic tone of voice}: B.M.
- Kelly: You know, has it ever occurred to them it would make far better sense to call it P.M. as in postmeridian? There are times I feel I am alone in this world that doesn't make sense.
'Tis Time To Smell The Roses [7.23]Edit
Old Insurance Dodge [7.24]Edit
The Wedding Repercussions [7.25]Edit
The Proposition [7.26]Edit
Season 8Edit
A Tisket A Tasket, Can Peg Make A Basket [8.1]Edit
- [Peg misses the $10,000 free throw.]
- Al: Aw, now, Peg. You gave it your best shot.
- Peg: You mean you're not disappointed, Al?
- Al: Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it. How else could it have turned out?
- Peg: So it's your fault?
- Al: From the minute I said "I do."
Hood N' The Boys [8.2]Edit
Proud To Be Your Bud [8.3]Edit
- Whisper: [Al sits int he basement, head in his hands] If you build it he will come. If you want them to build it for you, Press 1.
Luck Of The Bundys [8.4]Edit
- Al: See, till now, Peg, I always thought horoscopes were a load of hooey; but now that I hear "good luck's a comin," I realize that they're based on hard scientific data.
- Al: Having only one kid around the house is like having only one noose around your neck.
Banking On Marcy [8.5]Edit
- Marcy: The last time I saw this many people in a bank, I closed my windows and went to lunch.
- Al: Marcy, why are you here?
- Marcy: I want to talk with Peggy, privately.
- Al: No. Why are you here on Earth?
- Al: It doesn't work any more, Peg.
- Peg: What doesn't work?
- Al: It.
- Peg: How can you tell?
- Al: I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns — nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.
- Marcy: Peggy, guess what happened at work today.
- Al: A hold-up man gave you his mask to wear?
- Marcy: Turn that disgusting thing off [Changes the channel on Al's TV] Here, watch this. Steel Magnolias
- Al: What's Boris Karloff doing in a dress?
- Marcy: That's Shirley MacLaine, you baco-bit.
- Al: Well, I owe Boris an apology.
- Marcy: You owe everything an apology
No Chicken, No Check [8.6]Edit
- Al: New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?
- Peg: Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.
- Al: Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.
- Al: Let me tell you a little something about sharing: don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed; nothing good came out of it.
- Bud: Kelly, we can double date. I found a girl who is so easy, she makes you look like a calculus problem.
Take my Wife, Please [8.7]Edit
- Peg: Now Mr. Grover over here, he doesn't believe in Halloween. So I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.
- Bud: Well, how come?
- Peg: He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.
- Al: Okay. Well, maybe I have called death once, twice or a hundred times. But it's just something you say but you don't mean — you know, like "How ya doing?" or "I love you."
Scared Single [8.8]Edit
- Al: Al Bundy, all class, all the time.
- Aaron: Wait a second: Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?
- Al: I was.
- Aaron: I thought you died in Vietnam.
- Al: Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumour. See, truth be told, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.
NO MA'AM [8.9]Edit
- Al: Now listen here, Jerry. Bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he'd have put breasts on their backs to give us something to watch till it was our turn.
- Al: It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat!
- Marcy: Al Bundy! Take off your mask...and let the world see your snout!
- Marcy: OK, I admit it. There are times I do need a man in my life. Oh, gentleman?
- [Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men.]
- Officer Dan: You again, Bundy?
- Al: Where were you last week when I got mugged outside of my store?
- Officer Dan: Where were you last week when I got mugged outside of your store?
- Officer Dan: Say... aren't you Jerry Springer, the "Masculine Feminist"?
- Jerry Springer: Yes, I am.
- Officer Dan: Tie him back up! (a patrolman does so) I hate that guy.
- Announcer: It's time for Jerry Srpinger, the mas......
- [Peg and the kids are watching the screen that says the Masculine Feminist and hears punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude ovulates sign with an arrow pointed at him]
- Al: Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
- [the men cheered]
- Al: I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.
- Kelly: That guy played football in high school.
- Bud: That is dad, bonehead.
- [points to Jefferson and Bob Rooney on the screen]
- Bud: And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.
- Peg: Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
- [Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]
- Peg: Well I guess so.
- Al: Every day for the past 30 years you high-heeled pitbulls blamed us for everything. From not being able to go to Harvard to not being able to get into strech pants.
- [the men agree]
- Bob: We've been called pigs.
- Pete: We've been called scum.
- Jefferson: We've even been called Ply wood bottoms.
- [the men look at him wierd]
- Jefferson: Or at least I have.
- Al: But we're sick and tired of it. Now we have a list of demands and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and we're going to perform television's first sexorcism.
- [A tied up Jerry Springer is nervous and tries to back away from Al and the members of No MA'AM. The male audience cheers]
- Al: Tell them what that is Jefferson.
- Jefferson: [removes mask] My name's Hank.
- Al: Right. Sorry Hank
- Jefferson: That's ok Al.
- [the men look at him wierd]'
- Jefferson: Anyway if these demands go unheeded, not only we'll Jerry to watch hours of Pro Wrestling. But we'll force him to watch them in these.
- [Jim reveals a stinky yellow under shrit and Pete shows a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."]
- Jefferson: A Stinky yellow undershirt and a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."
- [the men cheered as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them]
- Al: Now let it not be said that we think a woman's place is in the kitchen...certainly not my woman! guys laugh I do believe there are places for women in the workforce, and we have brought one on set. She has worked as a model for Squish magazine..Bubbles Double-D!
- Brunette bimbo comes on stage; guys cheer
- Al: Miss D, you are a working woman. What are your feelings about Roe v. Wade?
- Bimbo: Gosh, I don't know that much about boxing! But I do know my job is to take the winner out to dinner!
Dances With Weezy [8.10]Edit
- Peggy: Al, you never listened to me.
- Al: Well, why would I? I've got a TV.
- Peggy: I know. It's the only thing you've turned on in twenty years!
- Al: Well, if you came with a remote and mute button, I might turn you on too every now and then.
- (Al and Jefferson have snuck out on their wives at the theatre, leaving a disguised Bud and Kelly in their places)
- Kelly: This is the lowest thing I've ever done. (Bud looks at her skeptically) Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do. (Bud looks at her even more skeptically) Okay, the lowest thing I've been paid to do that I didn't enjoy. (Bud nods in acceptance)
Change For A Buck [8.11]Edit
A Little Off The Top [8.12]Edit
- Doctor: This was one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions; it said to give him a circular incision.
- Peg: Yeah, so how could you misread that?
- Doctor: We gave him a circumcision.
- Marcy: Hey, Stubby, we heard about what happened, so we got you a card.
- Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
- Marcy: [reading from the card]
We heard about your little loss.
We know you'll make it through,
Because thankfully the part they took
Was of no use to you.
And though they took more than you'd like,
The good luck is, you see,
Another quarter inch would have been
A full lobotomy.
- Al: [Al takes off trench coat to reveal a floral print muumuu] What?
- Kelly: How much did they cut off, Daddy?
- Peg: Well Mr. Grumpy's home.
- Al: (in a trench coat) Just one word of warning: Anyone who says what's up, goes down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it and it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.
- Peg: Then again, I've been asking for years.
- [Bud appears from the basement.]
- Al: Is that you son?
- Bud: Yeah dad. What's up?
- Al: (decks Bud) Any other questions?
- Jefferson: Relax Al. You are not the only man to go through this. I was circumcised too.
- Al: Really? How did you deal with the pain?
- Jefferson: Hard to remember. I was one day old when they did it to me.
- Al needs to avoid erections for thirty days. He is watching TV, channel surfing
- Announcer #1: Coming up next, modeling next year's line of thong bikinis!
- Al{talking to himself}: Oh man! Try something else!
- Announcer #2: We now take you to Cirque de Soleil, known for elaborate stunts, and of course those limber French contortionists in tiny leotards!
- Al: AUGH! Why did they to do that now?! OK, third time should be something dry.
- Announcer #3: National Geographic presents...
- Al: Perfect!
- Announcer #3: ...a documentary on Brazil, a country famous for its rain forests, cultural diversity, carnivals, and of course, invented the thong bikini!
- Al shuts off TV in disgust
The Worst Noel [8.13]Edit
- Peg: Al, guess what I got?
- Al: You got a Christmas present for me?
- Peg: Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?
- Al: Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
- Peg: [as Al changes channels on the TV] Now, there you go, you're going too fast. Come on, Al...what was that? What was that? What was that?
- Al: A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargent as Darrin; a Gilligan where the gorilla came to the island; a Full House family Christmas story where they were snowed in at the airport; and a study of the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Philippe, not Jacques, Cousteau.
- Peg: You can see all that, and yet, you can't see the rim around the toilet?
- Al: I see what I wanna see, Peg.
- Al: Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?
- Peg: Well, we could cuddle.
- Al: Be serious, Peg.
Sofa So Good [8.14]Edit
- Kelly: Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tommorrow. Is there any way I talk you into taking full balme for this?
- Bud: Sure. You can find me a woman who will not say no.
- Kelly: So there's no way then.
- Kelly: Well this is just as much your fault. If you had of doubted me like you always do this never would have happened.
- Bud: Nice try Pyronymph!
- Bud: I didn't have anything to do with this, I was out with a girl.
- Kelly: And do you really think thier going to believe that?
- Bud: [Bud walks in to find Kelly putting out the fire on the remains of the sofa] Who's going to tell mom about this? Oh wait, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
- Bud: I am sure Mom is having a good time so she will not suspect anything amiss.
- Phone rings
- Kelly: Hello?
- Cut to Wanker County, Peg is on a payphone
- Peg: Is my couch OK?
- Kelly: Oh, hi Mom.
- Peg: I sense something is wrong.
- Kelly: Well, you know Bud could have broken his arm or I could have been kidnapped.
- Peg: I don't care about that you zagnut! Is my couch OK?
- Kelly: Um, yeah, why do you ask?
- Peg: When my bottom got red hot I knew I had to call home.
Honey I Blew Up Myself [8.15]Edit
- [Al is fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid.]
- Enid: See, I told you I was a four.
- Al: No ma'am, fore is what you yell when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?
- Enid: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
- Al: I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.
- Enid: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
- Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig.
- [Peg has just given Al a gift of herself in a negligee.]
- Peg: So tell me, Al, what do you really think.
- Al: Well I think you look....
- Al's Wife-O-Meter: I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)
- Al: Nice.
How Green Was My Apple [8.16]Edit
Valentine's Day Massacre [8.17]Edit
Get Outta Dodge [8.18]Edit
Field Of Screams [8.19]Edit
The D'Arcy Files [8.20]Edit
Nooner Or Nothing [8.21]Edit
- Penelope: Does this look like pink to you? I said Pink. Pink, you bonetop!
- Al: A thousand pardons, my little carbuncle.
- Penelope: With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.
- Al: Well take a gander in the seat next to you if you want to see what your future looks like.
- [Penelope looks at her obese mother who is very offended by Al.]
- Fat Woman: Come Penelope, let's go someplace where they treat us with Respect!
- Al: I'd try the Moon, you'll weigh less there.
- [A fat woman named Barbara is having shoes put onto her at Gary's and both men are trying to remove it.]
- Barbara: OW! You're hurting my baby toe!
- Dexter: Ma'am, there ain't a damn thing on your body that's "baby".
- Bud: Where are you going?
- Peg: We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.
- Kelly: Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.
- Al: Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
- Bud: But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.
- Al: Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.
- Al: Great, you get upstairs, I'll put the chicken out.
- [Al forcibly escorts Marcy out of the Bundy house.]'
- [Al is trying to remove a shoe off a fat woman with Dexter when Peg has called him to sing to her.]
- Peg: Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."
- Al: Then jump off the roof, Peg.
Ride Scare [8.22]Edit
The Legend Of Ironhead Hanes [8.23]Edit
Assault And Batteries [8.24]Edit
Al Goes Deep [8.25]Edit
Kelly Knows Something [8.26]Edit
Season 9Edit
Shoeway To Heaven [9.1]Edit
Driving Mr. Boondy [9.2]Edit
- Al: Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.
- Bud: Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."
- Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!
- Bud:[intimidated at the prospects of Al embarassing him at home] You passed.
- Al: A driving test huh. So go ahead gimme you best shot. Show me the moron who dare not pass me.
- Bud: Boondy. Al Boondy.
- [Bud reveals himself with a smug look on his face and Al is upset about it.]
- Al: All right you son of a woman from Wanker. You wanna drive, Lets Drive.
- Al:[answers the phone] Hello Peg.
- Peg: How'd you know it was me, Al?
- Al: I actually heard God laugh.
Kelly Breaks Out [9.3]Edit
- Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
- Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
- Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
- Kelly: I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
- [Kelly opens the front door]
- Man on street: Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
- Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?
Naughty But Niece [9.4]Edit
Business Sucks [9.5]Edit
- Fat woman: How dare you say that to my face?!
- Al: Well, I'd say it to your back, but my car's only got a half a tank of gas!
Business Still Sucks (2) [9.6]Edit
Dial "B" For Virgin [9.7]Edit
Sleepless In Chicago [9.8]Edit
- Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.
No Pot to Pease in [9.9]Edit
- Al: Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...
- Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
- Al: That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.
- TV Producer: Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!
Dud Bowl [9.10]Edit
A Man For No Seasons [9.11]Edit
- [Two time MVP Frank Thomas spins newspapers, after reading about the Working Man's pitching their own baseball league that proves successful.]
- Frank Thomas: Can I have a break now?
- Manager: No.
- Frank Thomas:[grabs a bat.] Can I have a break now?!
- Manager: (scared) Ab... Absolutely.
- [Bud and Kelly come home from working in the shoe store.]
- Bud: A fat woman came into the shoe store today.
- Kelly: And Bud still looked up her dress.
I Want My Psycho Dad (1) [9.12]Edit
- Al: Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.
- Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
- Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
- Al: No, but maybe first.
I Want My Psycho Dad (2) [9.13]Edit
The Naked And The Dead, But Mostly The Naked [9.14]Edit
Kelly Takes A Shot [9.15]Edit
- Kelly: If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.
- Peg: Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
- Al: It's not all mud; some of it is colon.
Get The Dodge Outta Hell [9.16]Edit
- Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.
- Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
- Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.
25 Years And What Do Ya Get [9.17]Edit
- Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.
- Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.
- Bud: Dad, we got a problem.
- Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
- Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.
Ship Happens (1) [9.18]Edit
- Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?
- Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
- Al: And you guys.
- Al: Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.
Ship Happens (2) [9.19]Edit
- Al: Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
- Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
- Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
- Al: Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
- Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.
Something Larry This Way Comes [9.20]Edit
And B-I-N-G-O Was Her Name-O [9.21]Edit
- Marcy: The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.
- Marcy: Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?
- Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.
User Friendly [9.22]Edit
- Bud: You're talking to a guy who's had it more times then there are stars in the sky.
- Dr. Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr Bundy.
- Kelly: Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight skirt]
- Dr. Kessler: But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on autopilot.
- Dr. Kessler: What do you make of this?
- Janitor: I'm going to need a bigger mop.
- Bud: [In machine on other side of glass] Honk, Honk!
- Janitor: A much bigger mop!
Pump Fiction [9.23]Edit
- Beth: Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy
- Al: Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.
Radio Free Trumaine [9.24]Edit
- Peg: Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.
- Mark: Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.
- Bud: Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to—
- Mark: Bud Bundy, we have our winner.
Shoeless Al [9.25]Edit
- Woman: I'll have your jobs for this.
- Al: Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.
- Jefferson: Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.
- Peg: That's why life stinks.
The Undergraduate [9.26]Edit
- Peg: Al, I think this thing is broken.
- Al: Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.
- Kelly: It's just a junior prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.
- Bud: That's sort of like one of your real dates, right?
Season 10Edit
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch, And Dinner [10.1]Edit
- Al: The best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted.
- Peg: You know, I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing.
- Al: Well, get in the car: I'll take you to the morgue.
A Shoe Room With A View [10.2]Edit
- Bud: Mom, I had a horrible day, and I could really use some motherly advice right now.
- Peg: Shut up, Bud. Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.
- Al: It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.
- Peg: Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?
- Al: Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.
- [Al is trying on shoes for a fat woman named Matilda.]
- Matilda: I don't understand, I was a size six before Aerobic class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.
- Al: And I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.
- Matilda:[Picks up her sneakers] How dare you say that to my face?
- Al: Well, I'd say it to your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!
Requiem For A Dead Briard [10.3]Edit
- Peg: And to think I could've had any man on the football team.
- Al: Peg, you had them all.
- Kelly: Let's call him Lucky. Lucky Bundy.
- Al: I was saving that name for my tombstone.
Reverend Al [10.4]Edit
- Kelly: You know what I'd do if my lover lost interest in me?
- Bud: Sleep with his parole officer?
- Jefferson: Like all other religions, we have a sacred obligation to make a lot of money and open our own theme park.
How Bleen Was My Kelly [10.5]Edit
- Bud: I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.
- Al: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
- Peg: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
- Al: That's putting something I have into something I don't like.
- Kelly: Mom, Dad, Bud: you will never guess what I got.
- Bud: A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take Virginity for $100.
- Kelly: Well, that's funny. Nobody will take yours for less than $1000.
The Weaker Sex [10.6]Edit
- Al: When I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket, I naturally assumed it was Peg.
- Jefferson: I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.
- Al: Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.
Flight Of The Bumblebee[10.7]Edit
- Al: Wow, we must have gone back in time 'cause I'm experiencing déjà moo.
- Peg: Now, that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.
- Al: Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.
- Griff: That'd make me a ho.
Blonde and Blonder [10.8]Edit
- Marcy: What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?
- Al: Well, I don't know: you married him.
- Marcy: Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.
- Eric: It's amazing how your looks can improve with nice clothes, contacts and $10,000,000.
- Kelly: Oh look, it's a bird, it's a plane, ... it's Mr Potato Head?
The Two That Got Away [10.9]Edit
- Al: Nothing drowns your sorrows like a three-day binge at the Nudie Bar.
- Al: I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster.
- Jefferson: My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is it?
- Al: A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.
Dud Bowl II [10.10]Edit
- Al: Why are you doing this to me, Marcy?
- Marcy: Because God's on vacation and He wants me to fill in.
- Al: When a Bundy doesn't get what's rightfully his, he makes sure that no one gets it either.
Bearly Men [10.11]Edit
- Al: Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?
- Peg: Me, Al?
- Al: Yes, Peg.
- Peg: Was I in bed?
- Al: Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.
- Peg: Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?
- Al: Cindy Crawford.
- Al: Peg, I'm telling you, me and the floor boards can't take any more of her.
Love Conquers Al [10.12]Edit
- Al: What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity, that is.
- Carlos: Where is your father, the village shoesmith?
- Kelly: He's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandma, the village.
I Can't Believe It's Butter [10.13]Edit
- Al: Hey, Griff, Where's your Christmas spirit?
- Griff: My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.
- Al: I want you to get back on that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.
- [A fat woman named Matilda returns.]
- Matilda: Excuse me, do you have pumps in my size?
- Al: Yes I do, but the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes would not allow me to sell them to you.
- Matilda: I hope you get coal in your stocking on Christmas morning.
- Al: And I hope you get Slim Fast in yours.
The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (1)[10.14]Edit
The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (2)[10.15]Edit
- (Al and the NO MA'AM group are up on his roof assembling a satellite dish)
- Jefferson: (reading the assembly instructions) Let's see here. I've got Bracket S and Washer T. Hey, Dan. Hand me Screw U.
- Officer Dan: What?
- Jefferson: I said Screw U.
- Officer Dan: (angry) Well, up yours, you-! (draws his gun on Jefferson)
- Al: (stepping between them) Focus, gentlemen! Focus, focus!
Calendar Girl [10.16]Edit
- Al: When did you leave?
- Peg: Yesterday.
- Al: No wonder the sex was good then last night.
- Babcock: How dare you take my name, little Floyd? From this moment forth I shall refer to you only as Little.
- Floyd: That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.
Agony and the Extra C [10.17]Edit
- Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Darcy. I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate. You do have insurance, don't you?
- Jefferson: Yes.
- Doctor: Well, then, we will be using anesthesia.
- Al: Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer, and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?
- [After listening to Kelly]
- O'Malley: Nurse, I need a Q-Tip and a hammer.
- Jefferson: So the Tattoo on my but said M-A-R-Y.
- Kelly: So What? M-A-R-Y. Marcy.
- Bud: There's a C in Marcy.
- Kelly: M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent.
Spring Break (1) [10.18]Edit
- Dan: Call it in the air.
- Kelly: It's a coin.
- Dan: You win.
- Kelly: I'm an actress, I don't know if I can go parading around a bunch of strangers I haven't slept with yet.
Spring Break (2) [10.19]Edit
Turning Japanese [10.20]Edit
- Al: Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.
- Marcy: So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.
- Marcy: Please Al, my job is on the line.
- Al: Oh, well that changes nothing.
Al Goes To The Dogs [10.21]Edit
- Kelly: What do you think?
- Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
- Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.
Enemies [10.22]Edit
- Bud: Can we please watch something else, this is a rerun.
- Kelly: No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.
Bud Hits The Books [10.23]Edit
- Marcy: Allow me to quote from your official student handbook "Abstinence Saves Lives." And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love? I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?
- Al: I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was go in the library in the first place. The rest was totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have.
Kiss Of The Coffee Woman [10.24]Edit
- Bud: If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
- Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.
- Marcy: Jefferson, can I have a word with you in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?
- Al: Hey, what's the bed for?
- Director: Come on, Mr. Bundy! You're a married man.
- Al: What's the bed for?
Torch Song Duet [10.25]Edit
- Kelly: Daddy, wanna know what I think?
- Al: Oh, this should be good.
- Kelly: Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.
- Al: Go get my noose, boy.
- Kelly: Oh, Daddy you're so good. I'm sure in your next life you're gonna be re-incarcerated.
The Joke's On Al [10.26]Edit
- Kelly: [answering machine message] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If you're a girl calling for Bud: Hi, Mom.
- [Jefferson has just came into the Bundy house with sweats on, covering a toilet seat stuck to butt.]
- Jefferson: Mark my words, Al. As soon as I can sit down and think of something, you will pay.
- [Al, Bud and Kelly laugh at Jefferson as he tries to exit the Bundy home.]
Season 11Edit
Twisted [11.1]Edit
- Woman: Look: I'm a 5, and you are going to sell me a 5 if I have to sit here all night.
- Al: So because you're mad at me, you're gonna take it out on a perfectly innocent chair? A chair that has suffered enough already.
- Woman: Well, I have just about had enough of you.
- Al: Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know, medium: the size between small and you.
- Marcy: Peggy, Kelly, as your civil defense block captain, I'm taking charge. You are to follow my orders without asking any questions.
- Kelly: So we're supposed to act like Mr. Darcy?
Children of the Corns [11.2]Edit
- Kelly: Have you seen my lucky audition blouse?
- Peg: What's it look like?
- Kelly: See-through. Maybe that's why I can't find it.
- Peg: Uh, honey, why don't you stay home and bowl me over?
- Al: Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.
Kelly's Got A Habit [11.3]Edit
- Sketch Artist: So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're looking for?
- Peg: Well, he's who I'm looking for.
- Officer Dan: Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.
- Al: Don't worry. I know how to handle this thing.
- Peg: That's what he said on our honeymoon.
Requiem For A Chevyweight (1) [11.4]Edit
- Jefferson: Look, Al, God forbid she doesn't make it — the important thing is you get right back on the horse.
- Al: Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?
- Al: See, that car has been with us in good times and bad times.
- Peg: And when are we getting to the good times?
- Al: When you're on life support.
Requiem For A Chevyweight (2) [11.5]Edit
- Peg: You never bring me flowers.
- Al: I would if you died.
- Cal: Did you play pro ball?
- Al: Well, I could have, but I had a career ending accident.
- Cal: Knee?
- Al: Marriage.
A Bundy Thanksgiving [11.6]Edit
- Al: You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?
- Peg: Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?
- Al: Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.
- Peg: Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?
- Al: This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt Matty's famous sweet potato pies.
- Marcy: Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?
- Al: I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.
- Al: Ladies and Gentlemen! And Marcy.
The Juggs Have Left The Building [11.7]Edit
- Bud: This is so low! It says here that you're both 6 months pregnant by Billy Ray Cyrus!
- Kelly: Really? Well, how come Mom is showing and I'm not?
- Peg: I AM NOT SHOWING!... and you're grounded.
- Kelly: Calm down, Mom, it's bad for the baby.
- Bud: Kelly, hello? You're not really pregnant!
- Kelly: Pffeew. Looks like we squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?
God Help Ye Merry Bundymen [11.8]Edit
Crimes Against Obesity [11.9]Edit
- Shirley: Al Bundy, you are charged with Crimes Against Obesity.
- [The fat women marches in the shoe store]
- Fat Women: 2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our weight. 2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our Weight!
- Al: [standing up] 1, 2, 3, 4, You're gonna fall through the floor.
- Peg: Hey, that's our dinner coupons, you fat cow!
- [The fat women are insulted. Gwen, in a black daisy dress, confronts Peg.]
- Gwen: No. No. No. We...we don't like to be called FAT!
- Peg: Then STAY HOME!
- [Flashback to Al fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid]
- Al: Are we finished here?
- Enid: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
- Al: I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.
- Enid: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
- Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig.
- [Flashback to a fat girl named Penelope.]
- Penelope: With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.
- Al: Well take a gander in the seat next to you if you want to see what your future looks like.
- [Penelope looks at her mother who is overweight and offended at Al for insulting both of them.]
- Fat Woman: Come Penelope, let's go someplace where the treat us with respect.
- Al: I'd try the moon, you'll weigh less there.
The Stepford Peg [11.10]Edit
Bud On The Side [11.11]Edit
Grime And Punishment [11.12]Edit
- Inspector: Mr.Bundy, you had a month to get this place in shape.
- Al: You had your whole life to get yourself in shape and you don't see me condeming you.
- Peg: Oh, Al! It's time for your conjugal visit.
- Al: No! No! Help me!
- Peg: Shut up Al! You're my bitch now!
T-R-A-S-H [11.13]Edit
Breaking Up Is Easy To Do (1) [11.14]Edit
Breaking Up Is Easy To Do (2) [11.15]Edit
Breaking Up Is Easy To Do (3) [11.16]Edit
Live Nude Peg [11.17]Edit
A Babe In Toyland [11.18]Edit
- Al: My Pumpkin is becoming a princess. Gee, if only I could trade my cow for some magic beans.
- Peg: Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.
- Al: Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.
Birthday Boy Toy [11.19]Edit
- Al: I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.
- Peg: Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life.
- Al: Good; then we'll be even.
Damn Bundys [11.20]Edit
- Bud: Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?
- Al: No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.
- Kelly: For riches and diamonds?
- Bud: Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
- Kelly: For a Canadian penny?
- Lucifer: All right, Mr. Bundy: since you find hell such a picnic, uh, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.
- Al: This is heaven.
Lez Be Friends [11.21]Edit
- Mandy: Actually, Al, I'm involved.
- Al: Who's the lucky guy?
- Mandy: Barbara.
- Al: Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.
- Mandy: Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.
- Al: How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.
- Mandy: Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
- Al: Yeah, my favorite.
- Mandy: Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?
- Al: No, as long as there's a guy watching.
The Desperate Half Hour (1) [11.22]Edit
- Al: It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.
- Peg: The woman died in your store?
- Al: Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.
- Peg: Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.
- Al: Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.
How To Marry A Moron (2) [11.23]Edit
- Peg: On this very special occasion I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.
- Al: Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.
The Chicago Shoe Exchange [11.24]Edit
- Gary: I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.
- Al: Well, they made them; why would they want them back?
- Kelly: Hey, guess what? I finally got my masseuse license. You know what that means.
- Bud: You can rub men and finally get paid for it?