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This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
The GOOD CHILD Guide Putting an End to Bad Behavior 2nd Edition © Noel Swanson, 2000, 2007 Cartoon illustrations by Harry Venning Noel Swanson has asserted his moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988, UK All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. This manual is provided in good faith as educational information only. It should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice, and no liability can be accepted for any harm or damages caused by the use or misuse of the information provided. If you need personalized advice for your own unique situation, please consult a qualified professional. Published by Allegretto Publishing Ltd. 50 Southshore Drive Brooks, AB T1R 1M4 Canada www.good-child-guide.com
Dr. Noel Swanson
INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 CHAPTER 1 WHY DO THEY DO WHAT THEY DO? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Motivation - The Key Factor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 People Do What They Want To Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 All behaviors have consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 Children are Gamblers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Children's Tactics For Getting What They Want . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Changing Behaviors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Temperament, Emotions, and other Internal Factors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Understanding Temperaments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 The Internal Switch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Sleep, Food and Warmth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Self-Confidence, Fear of Failure, and Learned Helplessness . . . . . . . . . 22 Fear and Anxiety . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Chronic Stress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Security and Being Noticed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Anger and Resentment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 The Emotional Bank Account . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Paying off the Mortgage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 People Still Do What They Want To Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Power Struggles and Manipulation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 CHAPTER 2 PUTTING YOURSELF BACK IN CHARGE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 The New Improved YOU . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 The Repeating, Threatening Parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 1) Say what you mean, and mean what you say. . . . . . . . . . 36 2) Talk with a firm but quiet voice. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 3) Expect First Time Obedience. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 4) Follow up with ACTION. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 Harsh, Strict or Firm? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 The Carrot and The Stick . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Reward Mode vs. Punishment Mode . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40 Who Owns The Success? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 The Informal Checks And Balances Of Home Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
Dr. Noel Swanson
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 1-2-3-Magic! . . . . . 59 Avoiding Sudden Death . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78 Natural Consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Ignoring . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 CHAPTER 4 STARTING GOOD BEHAVIORS . . . . . . . 47 CHAPTER 3 STOPPING BAD BEHAVIORS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 The 5-Minute Work Chore . . . . . . . . . . 60 Other Tactics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Charting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 Spanking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 Where Do You Start? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Reset Your Expectations And Clear The Slate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Disobedience and Naughtiness . . . . . 61 Grounding . . . . . . . . . . . 79 Logical Consequences . . . . 51 Time-Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Think Ahead . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 Lying . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Loss of Privileges . 63 More Serious "Crimes" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64 Bad Morals. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 The Broken Record . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Have A United Front. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Getting Started . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82 Common Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 Three Counts and You're Out! . . . . . . . 77 What is Responsibility? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Get Some Support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Walk Your Talk . . . . . 74 Seven Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86 Dr. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86 Why isn't it working? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Noel Swanson 4 . . . . . 43 Recognize the Enemy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68 Stealing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 Variations on Time-Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 Responsibility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 Rules for Time-Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Noel Swanson 5 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90 Make it a Game! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120 Final Words . 89 Payment . . 97 How to Analyze a Specific Behavior . . and Sleep Walking . . . . . . . . . 91 Praise and Compliments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111 Night Terrors. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94 Special Treats and Rewards . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nightmares. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Variations on Charting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122 CHAPTER 7 APPENDICES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88 Pocket Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 Early Mornings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120 They Are Getting Older . . . . . . . . . . . . 115 CHAPTER 6 AS TIME GOES BY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102 School Refusal And Separation Anxiety . . . . . . . . . . 95 CHAPTER 5 SPECIFIC PROBLEM BEHAVIORS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 I'm Bored! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 Slipping Back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 Mornings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123 Dr. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117 How Are You Doing? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 The Family Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Progressive Privileges . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 Homework . . . 114 Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder . . . 107 Bedtimes . 88 Contracts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109 Midnight Wakenings . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Suggestions for Rewards . . . 126 The 6 A's of Apology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 Agenda for Family Conference . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124 Things to Do When You Are Bored . . . . 127 The Deal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 128 Dr. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Noel Swanson 6 .
Therefore today's parents need skills and strategies to help them create a home in which their children can grow up to be mature. Certainly. If you are having problems in controlling the behavior of your children. forcing us out of a job or education. and leaving us stranded without a supportive partner. put to bed. this may then be further complicated by separation or divorce. it gets more complicated. change diapers. For some of us. no money. For some of us. waiting to entice our children into sex. The strategies covered in this manual are primarily targeted at children aged five to twelve. Behavior problems among children are on the increase. or chronic illness or disability. P At first it is all very new. including those with specific disorders such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and dyslexia. This is a reflection of our increasingly complex and frantic society. if the fun (what's that?) seems to have gone and family life seems to be all work. Of course there are the occasional moments of joy – the first smile. But as time goes by. money problems. decent accommodation. Dr. loving adults who are a credit to their families and to society. society seems to be heaping more and more stress on to families and the children themselves. Often it may seem to be a neverending cycle of guilt. but the principles apply to all children (and even adults).INTRODUCTION arenting has to be the toughest job on Earth. There seem to be ever more dangers lurking around. or if you simply want to learn to be the best parent that you can. It is harder to be a parent today than it was even just a generation ago. worry. parenthood is quite unexpected and perhaps unwanted. this is the manual for you. the Christmas concert. responsible. stress and broken nights. drugs or depression. Furthermore. the first step. but also reasonably straightforward – feed. looking in on the cute little angels as they lie fast asleep in bed – but sometimes it seems that these are awfully small rewards for all the hassle (and expense) of trying to raise them. This manual will teach you those strategies. and many parents have found the manual to be very helpful with children aged from as little as 17 months right up to 17 years. Noel Swanson 7 . or a reasonable income. and are just trying to establish ourselves in a job or career. to name but a few. everything in here is applicable to children of all abilities and personalities. On top of that we are trying to work out just what it means to be living with a relatively new spouse or partner. For most of us it comes at a time when we have little experience of life.
defiance and irresponsibility. TV. every child is different. and then child and adolescent. For example. Threatening Parent mode and into reward mode. Canada. Noel Swanson 8 . you can turn straight to those chapters and start to use them today. and fun will begin to reappear. Chapter 2 then gets more practical. work and sacrifice. you can determine what skills. and as a parent of two children. as is every parent. step by step. These first couple of chapters are perhaps the most difficult ones. and soon you will be able to start putting them into practice. You will also have the satisfaction of knowing that you have done all that you humanly could to provide your children with the best start to life that they could have. if they are to be better equipped to face this world than we were as youngsters. These basic principles are then examined in even more detail as we look at how to stop bad behavior and start good behavior. is to be as practical as possible so that you can quickly start to see results. it would serve us well to consider what the long-term goals are. but then run into difficulties because they do not really understand why it is not working for them. one of whom has Asperger's Syndrome. usually with behavior. Just do as the manual says. To then put this into practice may take some commitment. This need not be the case. If you are in a hurry. The danger is that we may choose the easy route rather than the most beneficial route. Your day-to-day family life will be enhanced. At times it seems to be as much as we can do to make it from one day to the next. it is important to lay down some basic groundwork so that you can understand why it is that things are not working so well at present and the basic principles for starting to do things differently. looking at how to get out of Repeating. school. Since parenting is a long-term job. magazines. Dr. the way in which we parent our children will be more determined by the influences of society – work pressures. The manual also benefits from my experience of over seven years developing and running leadership-training seminars with not-for-profit organizations in the developing world. abilities and attitudes your children will need to have. therefore. but in fact you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it actually is. But please. Here you will find detailed instructions that will lead you step by step through some strategies that will very quickly help you to correct common behavior problems such as disobedience. The goal. Hopefully Chapter 1 will prevent that difficulty. However. and so in here you will also learn the enduring principles of parenting that will enable you to adapt and create strategies so that they become tailor-made for your own situation and your own family's values and goals. Too often people try a new behavioral system. will undoubtedly also prove effective in your home. Most people who pick up a book on parenting do so because they are having some specific difficulties. Even so. and before too long the fun should start creeping back into family life. it is often much easier to sit children down in front of the TV than for us to create the space and time to do something more constructive with them. Unless we consider our ultimate aims and objectives as parents.The principles that form the foundations of this manual are based on my experience of twenty years as an adult. and Belize). if carefully followed. These strategies have been well proven in hundreds of thousands of homes and. friends – than by us. psychiatrist in three countries (Britain. persevere with them. By carefully considering your aims for the future.
I have chosen to use the rather inadequate word 'partner' to include spouse. you may also discover ways in which you yourself can grow and mature even further as a person. Once again the basic principles are used to develop some detailed suggestions on how to tackle them. life isn't supposed to be all work and no play! This manual is dedicated to you and to every other parent who has made the commitment to be the best parent they can. love and forgiveness. As you read this manual. husband. My hope is that you will come to understand yourself better. bedtimes. On this journey you can either blindly stumble about. In writing this manual I have had to deal with the tricky issue of gender. and I hope you will not be too irritated by the term. nor are they to be taken to suggest that children with those names are more likely to have problems than other children. lying and stealing. In the final analysis. I have also used various boys' and girls' names to better illustrate the points. of course. In addition. and this manual will be as applicable to you as to any other parent. All is not lost! If being a parent is tough. You will also learn how to analyze other problem behaviors so that you can design your own corrective strategies. After all. the names of any particular real-life children. Dr. I have picked a name that happens to be the name of your child – I am not picking on you! Honestly! The same problem arises in addressing you. Since the English language does not have gender-inclusive words to cover both him and her. By buying this manual you have already decided that you cannot stumble blindly any longer. morals. So if. I realize this is far from ideal. Although more boys than girls have behavior problems. the parents. instead of just leaving it to fate. To cover all eventualities. you will no longer be dependent on detailed instructions and will actually be able to work out your own solutions to your own particular challenges. I have chosen to alternate the use of these pronouns. but a journey. Of course you may not have a partner at all at present. you are not just a parent.Finally. No one ever said that parenting would be easy. Included in all of this are strategies to develop character. or you can open your eyes and try to look where you are going. being a single parent is in a whole new dimension. These are not. At this stage. But it can be done successfully. Noel Swanson 9 . You may or may not be married. both need effective parenting. and as a result you will move a little further along on the journey to wholeness and maturity. we look at some very common problems. you are a person. you may even be making it a bit harder! My hope is that this manual will ease your task by providing strategies that work and principles that will carry you through the years ahead. he and she. In making the decision to be the best parent that you can for your children. by chance. I also hope that this manual will help you and your family to have more fun and to feel more fulfilled. respect. wife. Life is not just a series of events. including morning. boyfriend or girlfriend.
some immediate. Once you fully understand this principle. At other times our decisions are so quick and so spontaneous that we hardly even know that we are making them. when planning to move house or change career. we consider the consequences of the behaviors. some monumental. there will be times when you scratch your head and wonder.The Key Factor People Do What They Want To Do If you are like most parents. So let's look at it in detail. or when we choose to scratch our head because it is itching. All behaviors have consequences Consequences come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes: some trivial. As we go through life. and out of these various options there are certain actions. But whatever behavior is chosen. and once you learn to apply it to your life and your family's life. It is based on the very simple principle: 'What's in it for me?' What we do is weigh up the pros and cons of behavior A compared to behavior B and then choose the one that seems to offer the greatest gain or the least pain. or behaviors. peace and even fun back into your home. whereas we may Dr. Of course it is not really quite that simple. Some consequences will be very obvious to us as we make our choices.1 Motivation . but it is absolutely true. and some in the distant future. shall I get out of bed now. but understanding this principle is the key to bringing order. we are constantly faced with choices. Noel Swanson 11 . People do what they want to do – and that applies to me. 'Why on Earth do they keep doing these things?' The answer to this question is surprisingly simple – they do what they do because they want to! This might sound a very silly thing to say. or in five minutes' time? At other times the choices are more serious – shall I race through the red traffic light? Shall I cheat on my tax return? Sometimes we think long and hard about the choices we make. In other words. to your partner. some good. such as when we 'automatically' choose to brush our teeth at night. At any particular time there are a number of things that we could do. Sometimes these choices are trivial – shall I sit on this chair or that chair. some bad. you will be well on the way to success. to you. the process of choosing that behavior is the same. that we actually choose.CHAPTER 1 . and to your children. for example.
and those that can be deemed neutral.consequences caused by our environment or the people we relate to. However. punishments. and physical. being noticed by a large crowd of people may be a wonderful reward and incentive for certain behaviors. you prefer (i. For children. it might prove to be very embarrassing and so a significant disincentive or punishment. want) to pay your taxes. freedom. The ringing then stops. getting Mom or Dad all worked up and upset may also be quite stimulating and exciting. be divided into three groups: rewards. at this point you may be objecting: 'But I don't want to pay my taxes. motivate us to act this way or that. These include such obvious things as the gain or loss of money. But external motivators also include such intangibles as social approval or ostracism. the rewards and punishments. To relieve the tension. one man's meat is another man's poison. On balance. attention. A punishment is any consequence that decreases the likelihood or frequency of a particular behavior. in some situations or for some people. For example. If that is so. and for most people this produces an internal state of tension. All consequences can. not on whether people like or dislike the consequence. getting a parent's attention is highly rewarding. because what you are doing is weighing up the pros and cons. Now. if you want to get someone to pick up the telephone. or emotional pleasure or pain . This is true even when the attention includes shouting. or we may just jump into the first behavior we think of as it seems to offer some obvious benefit. a reward is any consequence that increases the likelihood or frequency of the associated behavior.e. therefore. so how can you say that I am doing it because I want to?' Well. you have decided that the pain of paying is less than the pain of going to jail. In this case. Given the limitations of the circumstances in which you find yourself. it is easy to see how Dr. As we make our choices. sexual. they are defined on the basis of how they affect behavior. whereas on a different occasion or for other people. the action of picking up the phone has been rewarded by the decrease in tension.not know about others for many years to come. actually you do want to. we may think long and hard about all the possible consequences. Very simply. as well as the satisfaction of finding out who is calling. What may be a very rewarding consequence for one person may be a major punishment for another. or seeing someone else become happy or sad. Neutral consequences have no effect on the frequency or likelihood of the behaviors. they pick up the phone. The ringing telephone confronts people with a choice: to pick it up or not pick it up. privileges. the easiest way to do it is to make the telephone ring. Furthermore. The consequence of not picking it up is that the ringing will continue. The consequences that occur outside of us as a result of our behaviors. Noel Swanson 12 . For example. The same applies to other unpleasant situations in which the circumstances force us to choose between various options that are all 'painful' in some way. It reinforces the behavior. Moreover. They can therefore be described as external motivators. Note this very carefully: rewards or punishments are any consequences that change the frequency of behaviors.
There are a few other factors that we need to consider. Dr. not until after supper!' 'Go on.' 'No. I need a cookie. You may feel that it cannot possibly pay. extra favors . . What is it that determines whether a particular consequence acts as a reward or a punishment for us? This largely depends on a number of internal factors – for example. Noel Swanson 13 . In other words. What is important is this: if your child is doing something. The very fact that the behavior is happening means it must be paying off – otherwise he wouldn't do it. We will discuss these factors in more detail in the next section. our personality and temperament. ten minutes? Or does it develop into a full-blown shouting match with tears and foot stamping? How does it end? Does Mom give in? Does little Katie get her cookie? I am frequently asked by frustrated parents why scenes like this are repeated so often. . can I have a cookie?' 'No. but maybe it's time to look at those little angels of yours. just one . but all are vitally important in modifying how we will respond to the world around us at any one time. . Muuuuuuum . sex. . TV time. our principles and morals. But you would be wrong. and another. some change by the minute. The punter comes along and puts a coin in the machine and hopes to win. warmth. Think of the slot machines. almost. he is doing it because it pays! You may not understand how it pays. Mom. mood and emotions. So what happens here? Surely children don't enjoy being shouted at? This is when it is important to remember that children are like gamblers. Sometimes he wins.but the format never changes. why do they do what they do? Children are Gamblers 'Mom. and so on will further affect how much these external consequences motivate us. later bedtime. and that there is absolutely nothing that could be gained from this behavior.getting into a fight with Mom can be much more rewarding than playing quietly and being ignored by her. Some of these internal states are long-term. That's it! Now you know what makes people tick and why they do what they do – well. we are having supper in a minute.' 'Aw. I told you. then in goes another coin. followed by another. Of course the item under discussion can be almost anything . In addition.treats.' What happens next? How long does the 'discussion' continue – five minutes. If he does not win. whatever it is. and our basic needs for food. it is because there is some reward to be gained or some pain (punishment) to be avoided. but most of the time he does not. self-confidence and security.
Noel Swanson 14 . She plays the game by asking for a cookie. In fact. However. Note that because the rewards were only intermittent. finally. the machine. have a cookie! But mind it doesn't spoil your appetite!' And so. 'Oh. at irregular intervals the machine does actually pay out. He gives it a good kick in disgust and goes off to find one that does work. let us assume that the machine has broken down. Let's look at Katie and her quest for a cookie again. then on the first occasion that it did not pay he would have been off to see the manager to complain! Children are just like the gambler. it is not because it pays off every time. . But no matter. no doubt there are times when Mom is just too tired. and for him the chance of winning a big prize is a greater motivator than the risk of losing smaller amounts. and so in goes the coin. and another. On most occasions this exchange probably ends with mother getting mad and sending Katie to her room. or too busy. and this of course reinforces the gambling behavior. refuse to pay out. he knows that he does not win every time. are the machine. You. since neither he nor his friends have won anything for two weeks running. The punter does not know this. the machine has paid out. Maybe this time the machine will pay. .Why does the gambler keep playing the machine even when he doesn't win? According to the discussion above. figures Katie. isn't the loss of his coin a punishment that should decrease the frequency of his behavior? The answer is simple. and another . he finally concludes that there must be something wrong with the machine. . Let's look at our gambler again. Had the machine paid out every single time (like a vending machine). intermittent reward schedules like this are actually much more effective in keeping a certain behavior going. I need a cookie!'. And when it doesn't? The worst thing that happens is that Mom gets cross and perhaps you are sent to your room. So you can see that it is not necessary for the reward to happen every time in order to reinforce the behavior. 'Oh. He asks a few of his friends if they have won anything on this machine recently. as her parent. didn't pay out that time'. . it took a full two weeks for the behavior (playing that particular machine) to stop. and then another. and in goes another coin. but it no longer pays out. Eventually. It can still be played. or too hassled. Katie is the gambler. He plays because he hopes to win. so she plays it again: 'Mom. our friend starts to get suspicious. well. and the behavior has been reinforced. Furthermore. all right then. of course. Why does the whining and arguing continue? Because sometimes it pays out. Often when they do things. You. but because it pays off sometimes. After about two weeks of playing this machine and not winning. This time he does not win. Dr. Perhaps the next time . to argue. But this time.
as most parents will do anything to avoid the embarrassment of appearing to have such an obviously ill-disciplined child. and that has to count for something. Johnny has still got away with an extra fifteen minutes of TV time! So what does he have to lose? It's worth the gamble. After each trip out to the car. so there is quite a good chance that Dad will get distracted and forget about Johnny. But even if he does remember. 'Johnny. Dad shouts another reminder. Eventually you give in. All the time that Katie is engaged in the 'discussion'. they just do not let go and can keep up a persistent whine for days if necessary. They are probably experts at them all. Pay-off time again! Dr. but older ones can do it well too. Here is another example. Temper tantrums With this one. and comes and chases after him. As Dad comes in from the car. This is where the gamble comes in. So he continues to ignore him. But what have you done? You have just paid out the jackpot. It may not be the most positive attention. It is wonderfully effective in public places. nor may it be her full attention. This time it is little Johnny who is the culprit. Dad is pretty busy at this point. Like a pit bull terrier. have you hung up your coat yet?' Now. he shouts. Children's Tactics For Getting What They Want Through numerous scenes like that. These are the main ones: Whining and persistent bugging This is designed to wear you down until you give in. your children will have worked out a number of tactics that usually get them what they want. having had years of practice. Noel Swanson 15 . the goal is to make such a scene. 'Johnny. The young ones are experts at this. but it is attention. and rewarded the very behavior you are trying to stop. from past experience Johnny has learned that Dad does not really mean business yet. get your feet off the sofa and go do your homework – and hang up your coat!' Johnny blithely ignores him and carries on eating his chips. she is getting attention from Mom. loaded up with potatoes.In addition to this there is actually another reward that is operating here to reinforce this behavior: Mom's attention. His coat and school bag are strewn across the floor. Food For Thought Any Attention even negative attention can act as a reward Johnny is sitting with his feet on the sofa. watching TV while eating chips. if only for a quiet life. Dad passes him on the way to help Mom bring in the shopping. and to look so upset and distressed. that the poor parent has to do something to settle you down. leaving crumbs everywhere.
It usually begins with comments such as. You are going to get back in control of the house. slamming the door. throwing things. After a while you will reconsider your hasty and ridiculously unfair decision. You will no doubt recognize these various tactics from your own experience. Everyone else has it. unfair parent you are. mean. Noel Swanson 16 . Threatening to hurt you. How can you refuse? That would be so ungrateful when she has been so pleasant. Suddenly she is all sweetness and light. hitting you. without being able to make a reality check with the other parent. You are just thinking what a pleasant change this makes when she innocently asks you for that new computer game she has been on about for ages.' Of course. Perhaps you even remember using them yourself when you were younger. and sulking for the rest of the day. 'I hate you. making you cups of tea. 'If you loved me you would give it to me.Intimidation and threats The (usually older) child starts shouting. as few parents are brave enough to call their bluff. you are so mean!'. putting things away. unwanted Dr. Buttering Up This is the opposite of the bribe. accompanied by. Guilt The objective of this tactic is to make you realize what a rotten. The old. Don't fall for it – payment and rewards come after the work is done. would you? This tactic works best when there are just the two of you in the home. it cannot be that bad. your pets or your property are the common ones. or longer if need be. surely? You would not want your precious little angel to feel unloved.' This is then followed by stomping up to the bedroom. not before. for example) in return for something that he wants. After all. Or it might be that he wants his pocket money early. The older child promises to do something that you want him to do (homework. there is no way that you will get him to keep his end of the bargain. then I'll do my homework straight afterwards. once the football is over. or making it very clear that if you do not give him what he wants then something very bad is going to happen. as there is a special something that he just has to have right now. swearing. offering to help with the dishes. 'If you let me watch the football. The Bribe This is a prime manipulation tactic (see the section on power struggles and manipulation later in the chapter). before he has done his chores. It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better In this manual you will discover some powerful strategies that will change the way things work at home. This gives Mom or Dad the maximum opportunity to brood over it. if everyone else has it. Jackpot time! Then the next day she is back to her usual self. Threats to run away or commit suicide are especially effective.
" At this point. I'm running away!" (Threats and intimidation). all the old slot machines will be rigged so they no longer pay out. you will have to wait. expecting them to pay out. Since things seem to be getting Dr. We will cover these in detail later. something should work. maybe combined with some pouting and foot stomping temper tantrum). and instead. She knows that the regular tactics normally work. No. or suicide. if Mom has learned her lessons. Eventually. "Mom. or punching. Noel Swanson 17 . "Fine. (Counting or ignoring are appropriate tactics here. they will continue to play the old machines for another few weeks. Like the gambler. "You don't expect me to play with old ones do you? I'm bored of them. then she will have rewarded Katie's manipulation. then try shouting louder. I need it now!" (Whining. and Mom finally gives in to her. or throwing things. and a new set of machines will be installed. When it does. don't give me anything then. Take a look at Katie again. if the children want to get what they want. that's months away. So what does she do next? Does she meekly give in? Not on your life! First she will have a go at the old faithfuls: "Aw. making it even more likely to happen again next time. The problem is that the children do not know that. Katie realizes that the machine has not paid out . Unless you are prepared for it.behaviors will no longer pay off. In effect.she did not get her Barbie. You don't care. they will have to try some new. despite using the regular tactics. You may have told them that this is how it is going to be. life will probably get worse at first. when can I get that new Barbie?" "Maybe for your birthday" "But I want it now!" "Sorry. you may think that the new system is not working. If shouting is not working. behaviors. If you loved me you would at least get me some toys to play with. this is how Katie sees it: She wants something. better. or add in kicking. As you can see. this manual will not provide you with an instant cure! Once you start using what you have learnt. Muuuuum. So what is needed now is even more of the old tactics. I'm going. Now. I've had them ages. she will not be giving in to this. but they have heard it all before. She is not getting it." (Poor little waif .what an uncaring mother she has). or threats. until they finally realize that all the old tactics just do not work any more. This time she is after a new Barbie doll.) So what does Katie do? Give up? In your dreams.
So do not give up halfway or you will be worse off than ever. Change the environment. Noel Swanson 18 . she will realize that maybe she should try that 'please and thank you' routine that you keep going on about. Change the environment so that an alternative (good) behavior starts to pay off better. 2. If you want a behavior to stop. You have to stick with this until you get over the hump. Bad decision. Be warned. But first. . you give up. 3. but something seems to have changed. so that the bad behavior no longer pays. Follow instructions 1 and 2 consistently and for long enough so that the bad behavior no longer seems worth the gamble and the good behavior becomes a much better bet. That means you will need to work out how the current behavior is paying off and then find a way to stop those rewards. They used to. Eventually. it may take some time to get there. we need to understand some of the other factors that modify your child's behaviors. you will have started to figure out the basic principle for changing behaviors. After a few days of trying and failing. We will of course look at this area in much more detail as we go on. you will need to do three things: 1. Dr.worse rather than better. Changing Behaviors By now. Katie will realize that the old tactics are not working anymore.
you will already have noticed that they have very different personalities. others. incompetent parents. whilst others are restless and always on the go. This is a very important point to remember. then it may indeed be because you are rotten. shall we say. If you have more than one child. If they are to judge at all. others think long and hard before doing anything. different hair. motivate your child. To a large extent these inborn temperamental characteristics will remain with the child throughout life. Confused? Let's look at it this way: Dr. Different eye colors. seem to always come out fighting. Do NOT fall into the trap of blaming yourselves. Quite naturally. the child's temperament will affect his or her behavior. If that is the case. then a word of advice: don't have any more! You might be in for a rude awakening with the next one! But if (as is more likely. and also different temperaments. and other Internal Factors n the last section we looked at how external consequences. they do not know what your children are like. do not allow others to judge you. Some are quiet and intense. Noel Swanson 19 . born in the same family. Every child starts life with a different biological make-up. especially. After all. The first of these is your child's inborn temperament. And. awful. Or it may just be that you have been blessed with very easy children. wonderful super parents. Some children seem to be naturally obedient and well behaved. what they need to be judging is not how good your kids are. but how much better or worse they are than they might have been with a different set of parents. different sizes. haven't they?) Or it may be that you have been blessed with the challenge of raising some temperamentally very difficult children. By nature. In this section we will see how this motivation is modified by the child's internal factors. a little less than angelic. Some rush in where angels fear to tread. If your children are wonderfully behaved (why are you reading this manual?) then it may be because you are excellent. your little angels are. (People have probably told you that already. some children are placid. since you are still reading this manual). I Understanding Temperaments Children do not come into the world as a blank sheet of paper waiting to be written on.2 Temperament. Emotions. the rewards and punishments in life. whilst others are fidgety.CHAPTER 1 .
the neighborhood they live in. you will not be able to protect them from some of the harm that others may do to them. If your child is temperamentally very challenging. Look at the past. Then determine to yourself that Dr. The goal here is to be as honest in your self-assessment as you can. that they encounter in life. and improve or compensate for the latter. you cannot blame the child either. But if things are not going well at home. But suppose that you are the perfect parents. Remember to take into account the child's temperament. good and bad. not in order to apportion blame. dedicated parenting. What will the neighbors be saying? Most likely they will look at the bad behavior and sadly shake their heads over the poor parents the child obviously has. See what you have done well and what has not gone so well. Remember also that there are many other factors that affect your children – their schoolmates. then your child might start out in life with a score of -8 (point A on the diagram). Even if you are the best parent on Earth. Even if it is true. and this will never happen if you start seeing your child as the enemy. After all. their other relatives. perhaps with a recognizable problem such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Asperger's Syndrome. which is zero (see diagram). And will you be agreeing with them? Or will you be able to recognize what a good job you have done? Getting him from -8 to -3 is no mean feat. placid child started at +5 and now is at only +3. like me. but so that you can identify as accurately as possible your strengths and weakness. There is no point in beating yourself over the head with guilt and anguish about what a failure you are as a parent. the experiences. with the average child being at the mid-point. and you should feel as proud as the parents who raise their average child from zero to +5. Be honest.Let's measure behavior on a scale of minus 10 to plus 10. You have certainly done better than the poor parents whose easy. can still make some improvements in your parenting skills. Then you can enhance the former. doing so will actually prevent you from becoming a better one. it is still your job as the parent to try to figure out how best to improve things. Noel Swanson 20 . and after seven years of hard. no matter how difficult your child is. and you. your child is behaving at a -3 level (point B). But we cannot let you off the hook completely! None of us is perfect.
the tidy switch is in the off position. The difference is of course that the child's internal state. Each child approaches every circumstance in his own unique way.you will improve upon what you have done wrong. She sees a tidy room. that children do go through developmental phases. others are total slobs. and the only way you can influence that is through the external environment. Since she does not value tidiness in itself. isn't it? The Internal Switch By nature. 'What's in it for me?' In the short-term. things do look a little more hopeful. For her. To the first one you can say. go tidy your room' and he thinks. The untidy child does not look at the mess and say to herself. and it also means nothing to her. There are no guaranteed results. the crucial point: children do what they want to do. that is what you are expecting your child to do. some children are eager to please and to help. why should she want to tidy up? What we see here are two children placed in the same environment. The messy child does not see it that way at all. For the tidy child. However much you may shout. 'What a good idea!' You say the same thing to the other. For one. The internal switches can be turned on or off over time. The former will willingly offer to help in the Dr. for the other it means nothing. 'Tom. there is nothing we can do to change these internal motivations. over time. this switch is in the on position. and a disaster at another (just think of the average teenager!). and she replies. however. Bear in mind. Similarly. Noel Swanson 21 . the satisfaction of having everything in its place is reward enough. rewarding habit may. and so the same child might be very tidy at one age. though. has modified the meaning of the external consequences. and you immediately trip over the K'nex model that is strewn over the floor. and reinforce what you have done right. This reality is very frustrating to parents who have visions of their messy children growing up to be tramps living in a trash dump! It is. After all. All that you can do is to set up the external rewards and punishments so as to entice her to choose to clean up rather than to read comics. Just put him in a messy room and he immediately starts to straighten it out. conscious process. but establishing a regular. you will not turn an untidy child into a tidy one. and it means nothing to her. She sees a messy room. whilst others are much less aware of other people's needs. You go into one child's bedroom and it is like a show house. some children are neat and tidy. she does not even see that it is a mess. but what do we do about the second? It is almost like there is a little switch inside the brain. in this case the tidiness temperament. the clean room is a reward. The untidy child (or adult) will simply sit down in the mess and start reading her comic. In the long-term. with two different outcomes. change the setting of these switches. plead or argue. You go into the room of another. Remember that this is not a deliberate. The first example (unless it is taken to an obsessive extreme) is a delight to any family. but it is not rewarding for me to clean it'. even if there is no (external) reward attached to it. 'This room is a mess.
And when we get like that. In other words. help with the hoovering. most of these act as de-motivators rather than motivators. This same principle applies to every other behavior: in each situation. it just won't work. Self-Confidence. full and healthy will not. Sleep. On the whole. hungry or sick are internal de-motivators. including the gains and pains. then. How boring it would be if they were all identical! But it does mean that you cannot expect the same behaviors from each. They discourage us from doing what we might otherwise do. make their beds. Cold Hunger Thirst Tiredness Sickness Fear & Anxiety Anger & Resentment Low Self-esteem & Fear of Failure Being cold. not hers. If they are cold and tired. But the opposite is never true – being warm. they will not feel like doing anything much. when present. You can set up all sorts of rewards and incentives to encourage them to do the dishes. and only then. Food and Warmth Examples of De-Motivators All of us get tired. It is the most enduring factor. of itself. Children are no different. her room is just fine as it is. or sick and under the weather. but if they are sick. The others will have to be specifically asked. Noel Swanson 22 . what do we think about? Getting some sleep.kitchen or to take out the trash. the Dr. sights and smells around him. in a different way. Just because a child is well fed. well rested and warm does not mean he will suddenly leap up and exclaim. remind him of the benefits of getting his homework done (see Chapter 4-2 on responsibility). the baby is taking in new sensations – the sounds. and Learned Helplessness Children are born curious and are natural learners. food and warmth. may stop you from doing something that ordinarily you might be quite motivated to do. There really is no point in getting frustrated with Susan because she does not keep her room nice and tidy like Tom does. 'I feel like doing Mom's housework for her today!' What does this mean in practice? Don't fight with Stephen to get him to do his homework when he is tired and hungry – give him a snack and a chat first. however. As far as she is concerned. In these situations the most powerful external motivators become useless. Right from birth. and even before birth. But temperament is not the only thing that modifies the external motivators. these factors. but there are a host of other internal states that play a part. Help him to feel comfortable first. motivate us to do anything. they won't do it. That is judging it from your perspective. Each child modifies and interprets the external environment. the child has some of the switches on and some off. Fear of Failure. hungry and cold.
But look at those adults – they go around on two feet. drives him on to new achievements. we are delighted. When the child first walks. As a result. Gradually. For some children. a poor reader. he falls. Now he can really explore the place. Gradually. The pain is a punishment for falling . So he picks himself up and tries again. and to respond with your own sounds that can be understood by others. They learn what they can do.for succeeding. And consider how often the child fails – he stumbles. Soon the little infant is clinging to the furniture as he hesitantly takes his first steps. he learns to creep and crawl. he bangs his head. the sense of being lifted. happy. for whatever reason. Just two years later. How rewarding! So he is motivated to explore further. As we grow up. He watches her lips and he tries to copy her. The question is only what they will learn. she is clumsy. Noel Swanson 23 . Suddenly. but also he experiences the joy and approval of others. But the child whose abilities do not match up to other people's expectations has a different experience. and again. there is a whole host of new sights to be seen. their natural abilities and temperament seem to fulfil the expectations others have of them. That they will learn is not in doubt. They learn how they fit into the world about them. They feel good about themselves. goo-goo'. you have learned to talk – to hear sounds. lowered. On the whole. Her fear Dr. Consider the immense effort involved in this. day after day. children gradually learn to define their successes and failures in terms of what pleases or displeases the adults. he gains strength and starts to lift his head and look around. they grow in self-confidence. if not now. and again. to understand what they mean and how they relate to you. stupid. Imagine that one day you are thrust into a strange new world. and it seems to be so much faster. useless. and marks the achievement as a success. Before too long. talk early. her eyes and her smile. but the exploration is a wonderful reward for walking . not only is the experience in itself very rewarding. that she is incompetent. and so on. This curiosity. our little boy is walking!' This acts as yet another reward. John. This amazing learning process does not stop there. knowing nothing. and how others respond to them. Everything they try seems to meet with success and approval. she withdraws into herself. We are not so impressed if a three-year-old says it. the quest for new experiences and the desire to interact and communicate with the world. They walk early. people's expectations of us change. children are eager to please. and are eager to try new things. First he studies mother's face. he sticks out his tongue when she sticks out hers. Gradually. turned over – and he is putting these together to lay down complicated pathways in his brain that enable him to understand and interact with the world around him. If. children learn about themselves. When the six month old says 'ga-ga. play well. Children go on being inquisitive and they go on learning. and what they cannot. as she knows she will only fail anyway. then with some practice. she will probably not match up to what people think she ought to be able to do by now. and socially awkward.feel of the blanket and mother's touch. afraid to try something new. She is learning (at her own pace). Their expectation is that they will probably succeed. but the message she gets is that her learning is not good enough. and others. 'What a clever boy! Look. They naturally want to do things that make their parents.for failing. As a result.
A long history of bad experiences powerfully counteracts the offer of even very attractive rewards. he's only going to fail again. Until then. say. People look down on her. so she gives up. Even if everyone else sets more realistic expectations. perhaps even bully her or beat her for being so 'thick'. and besides. you can see why she would not be very enthusiastic about learning a new skill or joining a new club. Agree with her own self-assessment. she either gets it wrong. When she feels she got it wrong. but he thinks to himself. She is powerless to change this. One example of this is the child with a reading difficulty such as dyslexia.of failure becomes much more powerful than any hope of success and the rewards that come with it. If this has been your child's past. when every time that she does try to read. Dr. Perhaps Susan is a hopeless reader. Noel Swanson 24 . No wonder he sees himself as a failure. you might say. He knows what he should be achieving.' As she rediscovers her own abilities. be proud with her. he would have done so long ago. 'Oh. he has also developed his own expectations of himself which are just as high as those of others. well. and it will never change. Instead of lowering the targets for reading. coming to the conclusion that this is her lot in life. or the expectations need to change. failure seems to follow. The trouble is that he cannot suddenly improve his performance – if he could. Probably the better route is to change the subject entirely. and she will be less afraid to try something new and may even have another go at the reading. why not spend more time on the swimming or tree climbing? But be careful that you do not set unrealistic goals for this too. call her 'stupid' and other names. Let her rediscover the joy of learning at her own pace. Why would Susan want to spend time on her reading and spelling homework. This can be summarized by the following formula: Performance + Expectations = Success or Failure If your child is stuck with poor self-esteem and learned helplessness. it will still be some time before he accepts these as his own. Either the child needs to suddenly improve his performance. Let her explore for herself. or is so painfully slow that she gets no enjoyment out of it? Would you do it in these circumstances? Or would you rather go and play with your computer game? Along with this. by now. her self-confidence will grow. 'Well done'. 'I failed again'. and he also knows that he falls far short of those ideals. at least you had a go. but is a good swimmer. When she is proud of what she achieved. Whatever she might do or try to do. or good tree climber. the child often develops what is called learned helplessness. so why should he try? The other problem is that. then one or other of the first two factors in the equation needs to change.
not about joy and love. Some situations pose. The normal motivators may suddenly seem meaningless. At these times we need to either fight the danger.Fear and Anxiety For all humans. What is certain is that they will not interpret and respond to the normal motivators in the same way as an unstressed child. the adrenalin gradually washes out. It will be important to know that you acknowledge her feelings. Dr. A child that grows up with abuse or violence. his priorities will change. or subdued and depressed. their behaviors will reflect their stress. anxious. This will then help her to learn that the consequences that do happen (especially the unpleasant ones) occur not because you are mean and hate her. for whatever reason. or upset because her friend is being mean. Chronic Stress For some families. the perceived danger passes. for these children. Adrenalin rushes through our arteries. If Julie is worried about her dog being sick. a threat to this and are therefore seen as dangerous. Learning still takes place. afraid. Any unexpected sound makes us jump. Obviously. that you understand that she is worried or upset. but it is not acceptable to behave badly as a result. To equip us to do this. or anxious about her SATS. you will have to consider the influence of the current stress. If a child is tense. after a while. This does not mean that she can get away with wrong behaviors. but in these cases it is learning how to survive. Once again we can pay attention to the normal daily activities. the stress does not pass. and that you are always ready to be a listening ear and a friend. This is not the time to set up a new list of household chores for her to do. or run away. Every situation is viewed through a grid of survival. Noel Swanson 25 . our breathing becomes quicker. They may be jittery and hyperactive. Usually. you need to do something about it NOW. It does mean that in analyzing why the behaviors are happening. If your child is currently living like this. This is also true for children. will be constantly on red alert. our body goes on red alert. It is meaningless to try to work on improving behaviors if the adults cannot provide a safe and secure home. while our eyes dart around to see where the danger is. At times like this you cannot just sit down and read a book. you are too keyed up. Consequences still need to happen. our senses more alert. but because that is how life is: behaviors have consequences. or who lives in a home filled with stress and anxiety. and for some children in particular. and we return to a state of calmness. she will not be her usual self when it comes to making her bed or getting her homework done. Life becomes about survival. or otherwise stressed. It is acceptable to have feelings. Behavior is still behavior. but understanding and empathy will help her to know that you are on her side. the highest priority is to stay alive. or seem to pose. our muscles tense up.
This only confirms his fears of rejection. the young child gains the confidence that Mom won't abandon her. the reverse happens. the principles of this manual will still apply. if the bonding between mother and child was disrupted during infancy. and so feels loved. This makes her feel safe and secure. whine and complain . who will play games. you will need to remember that it will take time for the child to view the world in a new way. On the other hand. when you are working out what the motivators are. that will get those parents to pay attention to them. fearful that she might abandon him. but at least it shows that Mom and Dad are still around and are paying them some attention. read stories. and gives the confidence to explore the world and experiment with new behaviors. they do not even need to physically come back. When things go badly. As this routine is practiced month after month.anything. all the members of the family will enjoy spending time together. The children feel lost and alone. The fun times stop. Have you ever watched small children playing in a 'mothers and toddlers' group? At first. Even so. How often have you described a child's behavior as being 'attention-seeking'? That is probably exactly what it is! When all is going well. Later on. Often it's just a quick hello and goodbye and then they are off again. this cycle of clinging and being pushed away can so seriously undermine the child's sense of security that his whole life becomes a desperate attempt to feel loved and wanted. After a time. The same thing happens at later ages. If all is going well at home. do so always from the child's perspective. Security and Being Noticed Children like to be noticed. the growing child gets plenty of love and attention from her parents. and makes him cling on even more tightly. all the children stay close to their mothers. and Dad is out or working on his car. The children will feel that they are loved and wanted by their parents. the child will have an anxious attachment. they come back to Mom.If your child has a past history of major stress or abuse. in severe cases. Remember. is enough. Dr. stories are not read. wanted and secure. Human contact and interaction are essentials for normal growth. they start to get a bit braver. and that she is watching. start a fight. however. in fact. In such cases all the external motivators can pale into insignificance in comparison to this internal need. and generally 'mess about' with them. The result is that everyone feels secure. It might be that they get shouted at. Over time. although their success in changing such deep-rooted fears may be limited and additional professional help may be required. or even hit. Every now and then. just a quick look to make sure that Mom is there. They go a little way out from Mom to try out a new toy or play with another child. Instead of confidently going off to play. games are not played. The parents do not seem to be interested in the children. Often mother is irritated by this and tries to push him away. and this then gives the children the confidence to grow and mature. Mom is too busy cooking. Noel Swanson 26 . This makes 'being noticed' a very powerful reward. he will cling on to mother. just to make sure that she is still there. So what do they do? Kick up a fuss.
So on this occasion you are happy to oblige with the favor. he will be in a state of tension. At this point you have run out of warm feelings. or put him down. Perhaps Tom is kind to you. Although it may seem that he is cutting off his nose to spite his face. If you are. and certainly you won't do him any favors. this desperate need for attention can easily override the puny external motivators that you set up. Each occasion is another withdrawal. Suppose you are introduced to your friend's cousin. Instead. you are making a withdrawal. or you let the insult pass. Then he will have made a withdrawal from his account. So you feel happy to see him. or abusing you. or takes you for granted. If a child is angry or resentful towards a parent. But it can be done. Hopefully. or keeps on ignoring you. Tom. shout at him. perhaps he does you a favor. pays you a compliment. then he will love. you are in big trouble. Every time that you spend fun time together with your child. All normal priorities are therefore suspended. trust and respect you. The same process happens at home. If this continues. a happy friendship will develop. the punishments may even turn into rewards – the spanking rewards the child with your full attention for several minutes! Anger and Resentment If a child is angry. Every time you boss him about. It will take some consistent. or is rude about you. you are still in credit with him. If he does. you check his bank balance and find that he is in credit. but rather as a punishment – something to be avoided at all costs. he asks you for a favor. Once things have got to this stage. you automatically open up an account for him. you still have warm feelings towards him. The Emotional Bank Account In some ways. he has made a deposit into his account with you. Dr. or insulting you. and perhaps even feel inclined to help him or make him feel good. on red alert. you try to avoid him when you see him. Whereas banks open up accounts for people to put money into. Next time you meet him. Since he is in credit. It works like this. showing him you care. even though there is a powerful external reward attached to it. But suppose that next time you meet him. It may be that Tom keeps on asking for favors. He will also be happy to help out and do you favors. Indeed. and so if it happens too often. from his perspective any consequence that results in the parent being happy is seen not as a reward. even if it means missing out on some other rewards. we are all like the high-street banks. Noel Swanson 27 . and then he will feel warm towards you. When you meet him.As you can see. he will soon be overdrawn. If you do. he may refuse to do something. or makes you feel good in some way. you will have made a deposit into your account with him. we open up emotional accounts for people to put emotions into. hard work to turn things around. like a child in danger. you are making a deposit into your account with him. and persistent.
disrespect. Quite. you will continue to be overdrawn. Unfortunately. So. you will never start to rebuild the relationship. you will have to clear the slate. you will need to cancel his debt to you. or complimentary to say to him. With each encounter. who will? No one says this is easy. When the children are being polite. this is the sort of conversation that takes place: 'Tim. you feel warmly towards them and their bank balance goes up. No wonder things never seem to improve in families like this! So what is the answer? Somehow you have to pay off your overdraft. put all the swearing. If you don't make the first move. That's right: somehow. helpful and kind.' And so it goes on. rude. As long as you are feeling negative towards him (i. their balance goes down. The only way you can do that is to start being pleasant and kind to your child. When that happens. friendly. do you? Not when he is being such an unreasonable and obnoxious brat. in some families everyone's emotional bank accounts have become so overdrawn that there is not a good feeling to be found in the place. there are two important points to note: 1. And for as long as you are not pleasant to him. abuse.Of course the same process happens in reverse. Sometimes the withdrawals are more like a bank robbery than an ordinary debit. Noel Swanson 28 . get down here and do the dishes. or disobedient. another withdrawal is made. you ungrateful sod! Who do you think I've been slaving away in the kitchen for?' 'So? That's your job. 2. and he will continue to be unhelpful. disobedience.e. This does Dr. As long as you are overdrawn on your emotional bank account with your child. When they are cheeky. But unless you start to find something pleasant. everything. Paying off the Mortgage When life at home has got to this stage. he is not suddenly going to become pleasant and helpful towards you. you are not going to be pleasant to him. Hopefully your children are still in credit with you. and you have to be the one to start because you are the parent and adult. behind you and start again with a clean slate. somehow. his account with you is in the red).' 'Why should I? What have you ever done for me?' 'Why. But you don't feel like doing that.
If he does not tidy. his mother will most likely say. like hunger and thirst can be easily seen to. but today is feeling ignored and irritable (mood). external motivators + internal modifiers " behavior (Rewards. you seem to have hardly made a dent in the total amount owed. Some of them (like temperament) can never be changed. friendly. A few. when the mess has just got too much for him to bear. Nothing could be further from the truth. So it is with people. Your first few efforts at being kind will be met with suspicion: 'What are you after?' After days. you don't become his slave! The trouble is that once you have got to this stage. John. if you continue to look for the good. like self-confidence and resentment take time. Since your child continues to be rude to you. as she has done so many times before (confidence). He has tidied in the past. You will be back where you started. it is rather like having a huge mortgage – after a year of large regular payments. but today is feeling happy and cooperative (mood). Don't. Noel Swanson 29 . then she misses out (punishment). weeks. So today the room gets tidied. If he does it. Little by little. by any means. mood. you might even start having fun together again! People Still Do What They Want To Do This section may have seemed rather complicated. confidence. She is generally an untidy child (temperament). Punishments) (Temperament. you will gradually build up your credit with him again. and focus on what he does right instead of what he does wrong. so he knows he can do it (confidence). Changing the internal factors is not easy. Dr. but it is kind of fun to wind Mom up!) He is generally a tidy child (temperament). you may be tempted to give up being nice. but today it is not going to happen. in fact it is more like a punishment). and if you follow the other tactics as described in the manual. or even months.not. but you are still the parent. things may not have changed much. You become pleasant. "about &*(&)& time too!" (no reward. mean giving in to him and pandering to his every desire. If she does not tidy her room. on the other hand is also asked to tidy his room. others. development phases) Here are a couple of examples of this equation in action: Katie earns 20¢ extra pocket money if she tidies her room (reward). they do because it works for them. he gets shouted at (perhaps a punishment. After a while. The bottom line is still the same: what your kids are doing. Perhaps you are starting to feel that you need a degree in psychology to figure it all out. and knows that she could tidy her room if she wanted to.
You can choose how you will behave. criticize or compliment. In the next chapter we move on to the nuts and bolts practicalities of how to get started in making a happier. your children will respond to. And whatever you do. shout or talk. what to ignore. Dr. what to punish. whether you will command or ask. more cheerful home. This is in your control. You can choose what to reward.But changing the external environment is much easier. Noel Swanson 30 .
such as going out when you have told them to stay in. maybe about doing the dishes. instructs Mom. Who will win? Who is the more powerful? Typically it ends in a big argument. in this kind of struggle. So how does it happen? If you have read the last couple of sections you may have already worked it out: Mom wants the result more than Darren does.CHAPTER 1 ." And on it goes. "Yes you do." Dr. it actually puts Darren in a very powerful position. Now get your coat on...e. or putting the toys away. But there is more to this. it's late." "I'm not putting a coat on. This means it is actually Mom's problem. no-one wins. "So. Or it might be behaviors that they are just about to do. Since it matters more to Mom than to Darren. Mostly it is about things that we want children to do. put on your coat before you go out". either one or the other wins. We have all been there. such as drawing on the wall or bouncing on the sofa. the child does not. If that were all. This might be things the child is doing right now. about taking the dog for a walk. "So?" he retorts. I don't need it. Quickly. It is a straight conflict. This scene can be played out in countless variations. Darren replies. But really. He now has a bargaining tool that he can use against Mom to get something that he wants: "Alright." Mom says. i. I'll put my coat on. it's cold out. about finishing homework. The pattern is the same in each case: the parent wants something.3 Power Struggles and Manipulation "Darren. But it can just as easily be about bad behaviors that we want them to stop. not the child's. Yet Mom is trying to force Darren to solve Mom's problem. "I don't need a coat". You'll catch a cold. as everyone has a bad feeling by the end of it. good behaviors that they need to start. But only if you give me. It just does not work that way. it would be bad enough. Noel Swanson 31 . In the end.
In the first chapter we discovered that people do what works for them. Mom. so she gives in and gives Darren what he wants. Mom actually loses both ways. clean his shoes. But of the two. and walk away. what provides them with the best outcome. Noel Swanson 32 . of course . who knows how important it is for him to do all these things . tidy his room but only if he gets a suitable reward. "Just so long as you get your coat on!" Something has to change here! The key to this is that the outcome needs to be more important to Darren than to Mom.for his own good. Mom needs to be able to walk away from the conflict. The situation for Mom is very different: Mom's Perspective Outcome Darren puts his coat on Darren does not put his coat on Gain Happy that Darren will be warm Pain Has to give in to Darren's demands Unhappy that Darren might get cold Darren wins the power struggle As you can see.This type of exchange only has to happen a few times before little Darren discovers that he can wind Mom around his little finger. Darren has no more leverage over her. Let's have a look at what is happening in this situation: Darren's Perspective Outcome Puts his coat on Gain Gets his treat (what he asked for) Wins against Mom Keeps warm Looks cool Wins against Mom Pain Looks un-cool Does not put his coat on Gets cold (maybe) Darren is in a win-win situation: whatever the outcome. This being the case he can state his demands to Mom. Soon there will be all sorts of manipulation going on as Darren reluctantly agrees to do his homework. the rewards outweigh the punishments. like Darren did. Whichever way Mom responds is fine by Darren.sees no other way to get him to do them. Once she does that. This is how it goes: Dr. the 'coat off' is even worse than the 'coat on'. and genuinely not care about the outcome.
I don't want to. said in a calm and pleasant voice. you will be presenting your kids with a choice of outcomes. Mom's Perspective . the root problem is that the outcome matters more to the parent than to the child.Version Two Outcome Darren puts his coat on Darren does not put his coat on Gain neutral neutral Pain neutral neutral If Darren does not take Mom's advice." "Just a suggestion." All of this is. Now the balance of power looks quite different: Darren's Perspective . But if you really don't want to. It is cold out there. it is still not an issue. and their associated rewards and punishments. In the following chapters we will look at how to set up the environment so as to motivate your children to do the things you would like them to do.Version Two Outcome Puts his coat on Does not put his coat on Gain Keeps warm Looks cool Pain Looks un-cool Gets cold (maybe) Darren may or may not decide to put his coat on. you're sunk. If it is not so cold. next time. No one else will be wearing a coat. and will put it on. Crucial to this is that you do not care which choice they make. no screaming or arguing. But there is no fight. If it is very cold. Sorry! Dr. of his own accord. that's okay. This may be hard to do." "No. of course. If you don't. In each case. It's your choice. In setting it up. I suggest you put your coat on before you go out. Noel Swanson 33 . The coat is perhaps a trivial (but very common) example. you know. he did not need it in the first place."Darren. But exactly the same principles apply to all the other power struggles. Darren will learn from the experience. Mom simply recommends that a coat will keep him warm. but you will have to learn how to do it.
your reactions If you always do and responses. If you have you'll always get managed to set things up right. What is clear is that the way things are set up now does not work. who still has not started his homework. Dad is hoping that Johnny will see the error of his ways and will. these new behaviors will what you've always be the ones you were hoping for. the consequences. If you can get these two factors right. Introduce a new opportunity of rewards that reinforce the right behavior. So what do you do? There are two things that you aim to do in changing any behavior: 1. all that you can do is change yourself. shape up. By changing the way that you set up your home. Noel Swanson 35 . But since you cannot change your child. he doesn't. BEWARE the RTP The Repeating. then have to choose new behaviors. Dad comes down the stairs and gives Johnny an instruction. Break the cycle of rewards that reinforces the wrong behavior. In this new environment they will done.CHAPTER 2 . does he mean what he says? In actual fact. you will produce a different environment what you've always for your children. Actions speak louder than words. Dr. Let's go back to the situation with Johnny. S got. then behaviors will change. So let's start at the beginning. So something has to change. 2. The big question is. Now it is time to make some changes.1 The New Improved YOU o much for all the theory. the rules. Threatening Parent The chances are that you talk too much. and this is never so true as when it comes to trying to motivate children. out of the goodness of his heart.
He has learnt. you actually mean what you say. Dr. If you are not prepared to follow it up with action. What he has learnt is that Dad is all talk and no action! What happens next is the typical RTP pattern – the Repeating. and that in fact he can probably get away with at least fifteen minutes more TV before he really has to do something. But by this time both of them are pretty angry. clean up the crumbs. Dad does not want to miss the game either. and pretty soon the threats get thrown in as well. and so he repeats himself. you must be prepared to follow it up with action. Johnny has been down this road before. and so he continues to disobey. in a minute! Just stop bugging me. His voice gets louder and louder. please turn off the TV now and go do your homework' – this is an instruction that expects a response. you are going to miss your soccer match on Saturday!' But this is still all talk and no action. you are teaching them that they really did not have to listen to you the first nine times as you will repeat what you said anyway! No wonder they seem to be deaf half the time – they have simply learned to tune you out until such a time as your volume or your expression indicates to them that finally. So he marches into the living room. Dad comes back. As this fiasco continues. Johnny. with shouting. The problem is that every time Dad repeats an instruction. and he knows that by Saturday Dad will have forgotten all about it. will you?' and carries on with his chips and TV. Dad gets more and more frustrated. only this time with a little more volume. put his coat away. Johnny has learnt that at this point Dad still does not mean business. having been through this scene a few times before. Dad is about to blow a gasket. 'All right. So this leads us to some vital principles: 1) Say what you mean. either do not give the instruction at all. then clearly it is not that important. and start on his math problems. 'Johnny. Besides. tears and door slamming. If you give an instruction. all right. If you remind someone ten times to pick something up. and mean what you say. Noel Swanson 36 . he is teaching Johnny that he can in fact ignore the previous instruction. In that case. is a bit smarter than that. all with just a passing comment from Dad as he rushes past with the groceries. however. or a little more urgency or menace. By this time. Threatening Parent. that Dad does not really mean what he says. grabs Johnny by the arm and pulls him off the couch. swearing. finds Johnny has done nothing. Dad with frustration at the non-compliance. Dad finally means business. Often this can escalate into a major scene. this time. Johnny at the constant badgering and shouting. 'If you don't get off your rear end right now.get his feet off the sofa. So Johnny answers back. This is the signal that Johnny has been waiting for. or put it to them as a request which clearly indicates that they have the option of complying or not.
Have you noticed how quietly they talk to their dogs: a short whistle. they learn that they do not need to pay close attention since you will shout loud enough that they will hear you anyway. the dog must pay attention in order to hear the command and therefore subsequently gain the reward. 4) Follow up with ACTION. that's what he needs. muttering something about how disobedient children are these days. will you?' – this means nothing. he has simply decided that the TV is more fun. Failure to follow these principles is the major reason for problems with disobedience and non-compliance among five to twelve year olds. a brief command? And have you noticed how attentive the dogs are to their masters' every move? Because the shepherd speaks quietly. They are absolutely crucial. Johnny hasn't forgotten his homework. Nor do you shrug your shoulders and give up. Take a tip from the shepherds who train sheep dogs for competitions. don't forget to do your homework. Just what type of action we will talk about shortly. 2) Talk with a firm but quiet voice. you expect them to comply – now. Train them to listen to you by keeping your voice down! 3) Expect First Time Obedience. You have given the command. the frustrated parents or other adults may come out with some of these 'solutions' to the problem: 'I'll teach him a lesson. 'Johnny. or he can watch TV. the little sod!' 'What he needs is a good kick in the pants. Noel Swanson 37 . You have expected first-time obedience. If you give an instruction. if you want help with your math. and you said what you meant. since it means that pretty soon something good or bad is about to happen. If you are consistent in this. otherwise you would not have given the instruction.' Dr. But probably you will need to follow this up with a more direct instruction later on if he does not do his homework once the program finishes. What you do NOT do is repeat yourself or make threats. the children will learn to pay attention to what you are saying. as the non-compliance continues. The same applies to children. If you shout at the dogs. and therefore it is in their interests to pay attention to you. then you need to come now' – this gives Johnny an option. He can come now and get help. but at this point I want to stress the principles. You meant what you said.'Johnny. Harsh. What is needed here is some action. Strict or Firm? Unfortunately. This goes along with the first principle. and they will do so – even if you speak quietly and do not shout. not later. But nothing has happened.
It does not work. punishments that are excessive in respect to the 'crime' and that have more to do with the adult's anger and loss of control than with the child's misdemeanor. In some towns there seem to be no traffic wardens at all. Take some time out for yourself. Park in the wrong place for more than ten minutes and you come back to find a wheel clamp attached to your car! Very quickly you learn that this place means business. All they produce is fear. threatening gestures. for your sake and theirs. But you will have to decide which rules are important to you and which are not. or whether it has turned into a power struggle that you feel you simply must win. In these areas you know that if you park in the wrong place. In these instances you have to decide whether the issue is really that important. If you are not prepared to enforce a rule. My friends. Strictness has to do with how many rules you have. It goes back to meaning what you say and saying what you mean. non-compliance and defiance. before you deal with the children. Some people have dozens of rules about everything – do this. seek some counseling or other professional help before you do some serious harm. but do the rules count? This is what being firm is all about. don't do that. the rule is not enforced. please. so that you can calm down. the responses are less verbal and more physical: punches. Of course. So if you do not want to be that firm about a certain rule. Within reason. hatred and resentment. or if you do not put money in the meter.'Right. Such is the effect of harsh punishments. none of these are effective over the long term. and so people ignore it. Although there is a rule about no parking. and so on. don't touch this. This is how your rules at home need to be. Does it really matter if Matthew wears odd socks to school? Is it worth fighting over every day? Or are there more important issues to deal with? Hopefully you can come to agreement on this with your partner. Others are much more laid-back and have very few rules. In such cases people often decide that over the long haul the very occasional parking ticket works out cheaper than feeding the meter. you may decide that many of the issues that you have been fighting over are really quite trivial. The atmosphere gets worse. then don't have it. and that when they say no parking they mean no parking. that's it. belts. Noel Swanson 38 . Being strict is a different matter. do not be harsh with your children. Dr. as what really matters is not the number of rules. In other towns it is quite the opposite. On reflection. Think about no-parking areas. the number of rules does not really matter. If I see you again today. there is quite a good chance that you will get away with it. Go to your room. you'll get a right hiding!' Or sometimes. If you find yourself becoming so angry that you lose control and take it out on your children. put this away. and so does the disrespect. then scrap the rule and save yourself and everyone else a lot of confusion and frustration. It can't be that important if you are not willing to back it up with action.
Nevertheless.) The only difficulty is that Tim is so delighted he has a free choice and is no longer being forced to do the chores. Quick to start. The reason is quite simply that it tends to be more effective in the short term. people become less fearful of a familiar situation and more resentful of someone trying to control them. but they tend to lose their effectiveness with time. as we all know. if you were to repeat this process day after day. which is offered to try to control and manipulate. The stick is the one most people tend to opt for first. In this case he does not feel controlled. and feels respected and valued. Instead he feels that he is in control of his own life. what you would find is that gradually resentment and anger would build up. is a four-letter word. or he can refuse but miss out. However. But what kind of action? The two main options are reward (the carrot) or punishment (the stick). please understand that I do not mean that you should literally use a stick. nor is there any element of fear. If you want someone to dig a hole in the ground. and after a while the person might either run away or even stand up to you. This is particularly true when the underlying motivation for using the punishment is to control by inducing fear. Rewards are quite different. despite the stick: 'Go on. Does not last The two actions work quite differently. and you stand over them with a big cudgel threatening to beat their brains out if they refuse. then the chances are that they will probably do it. Noel Swanson 39 . The basis is therefore one of love and freedom. for the first few days he chooses not to do them! Why is this? First of all. punishments certainly have their place. If you offer your son Tim a reward for doing a certain chore then he has an option: he can do the chore and benefit. (Note that this is different from a bribe. he may be Dr. But which works better? Incidentally.HARSH STRICT FIRM - Fear and Resentment How many rules? Do the rules count? The Carrot and The Stick Clearly. and are particularly useful when trying to teach obedience. I am using the term as a symbol to represent any type of punishment defined above. young Tim realized that to get the reward does actually require some work. In that case. hit me then. but I'm not digging this ****** hole another minute!' Punishments are effective in getting a quick response. This will be discussed in more detail later. With time. And that. Also. he may have been used to getting that same reward without having had to work for it. action is important.
Indeed. the long-term effects are much more enduring. well. and you want to because you have discovered that if you do. all on your own initiative? The reason is quite simple: you do it because you want to. And so. If they are spending most of their time in one punishment or another. and a very unhappy home. Tim may come to realize that the only way he is going to get his reward is to do the work.hoping (gambling) that if he does not do the work then you may give in and still give him the reward anyway. Just because you think they are rewards does not mean that they will! The goal is to start having fun together as a family. How often does your boss phone you in the morning to remind you to get out of bed in time so that you will not be late for work? He doesn't? Then how come. The day you decide otherwise is the day you quit. Did you really mean what you said? Or will you give in? Does Tim really want the reward. So for the first few days you and he will have to sit it out and wait. without any nagging by you. and your life as a parent is much easier. and if you do not. and you might not particularly enjoy your job. However. The result is a downward spiral of defiance and resentment. Punishment Mode Remember what we learned in Chapter 1 about self-confidence. On the other hand. or can he manage without it? After a while. his spirits soar. Oh. if he is complimented and praised for his successes. there won't be much time left for having fun. he suddenly gets up and announces that he will do the chore after all. rewards become more effective as the person learns to make the association between him doing things and getting a benefit as a result. he gives up. such is life. then you miss out. Reward Mode vs. but in the end you still know that it is your choice to go to work. as it offers a better lifestyle than not going. Noel Swanson 40 . whereas punishments tend to lose their effectiveness. you might grumble about it. Now. You can't do that while your children are being punished. learned helplessness and the emotional bank account? If a child is surrounded by criticism and failure. every morning. you get out of bed and travel to work. then at the end of the week you get paid. But remember that actions are only seen as rewards if your children feel they are important. The lesson from this is that we need more rewards than punishments. Take 'going to work' as an example. Rewards are therefore used for teaching responsibility. his face lights up. however. Using rewards to motivate behavior often takes a little longer than using punishments. Not Dr.
You will find it gets easier with practice. here are some sample compliments you can use. Noel Swanson 41 . Even the most obnoxious kids have something good about them. Pay them some compliments. for instance: 'Your hair looks really nice today – why can't you do that every day?' Since you are out of practice. Tim! My method really works. Aren't you glad I made you sit down to revise?' 'Nice one! I told you that you could do it if you just listened to me. And when you do. See how many you can say in a day. doesn't it!' 'Good marks on that test. I know. you can't do anything for yourself. Your target is four compliments to every criticism. right? Wrong.' 'I think Timmy really enjoyed you helping him with his Lego. Who Owns The Success? Have a look at these: 'Well done. 'Thanks for putting your dishes in the sink.' 'What a nice smile!' 'How did you work that out so quickly? I couldn't have done it!' 'You did a good job on your homework today. You need me to sort you out. Mom's eye for fashion that brought the success.' Dr. It was Mom's good teaching.' Did you spot the deliberate errors? They might look like praise.' Try this for a few days and see what happens. not later so that a cloud hangs over everyone. they are such horrible little brats that there is nothing good to say about them. look for the positives. Dad's insistence on revision. Instead. Your job is to find it. Punishments need to be immediate and brief. Praise their achievements. Try them.' 'That shirt I bought you really looks nice on you. The only way around this is to get back into reward mode. Get them over with so that you can all get back to reward mode. Sally. Paul. Do not linger over their mistakes and faults. don't spoil it by adding an insult. waiting to catch them being bad so that you can pounce on them.only that. but their increasing frustration and resentment will make sure that you do not have any fun when they come out of punishment either. Do not hover around. The message the child gets is: 'You're useless. Well done. Try to catch them being good. The idea is to do them now. but in fact the parent is claiming the success.' 'You were quick at getting your bed made today. Invent your own.
It is far too easy to give all of these things in such a manner that it is obvious you do not mean what you say. Dr. and provide a host of other privileges and treats. This happens at some time in every family. however. praise and compliments. Whatever the reason. the benefits will be lost and you will still be stuck in punishment mode. being motivated by the desire to please their parents. the fewer behaviors can be targeted. Flexibility is the key. but the sentiment is quite the opposite. also. when you give rewards. once the informal level of discipline breaks down. However. getting stuck in one mode or the other will not work. At times. Obviously if you don't seem to mean it. you will want to return to the informal style as quickly as possible. Perhaps the child does not know exactly what you mean by 'shape up'. rent videos. Perhaps there are other motivators and modifiers that are competing with the simple desire to please. this informal style does not work. you can either 'shape up' many minor behaviors at a very informal level. There will be times when structure is essential in order to deal with some particular issues. The down side is that it is hard work operating at a very structured level. children know that they are expected to be helpful and polite. they understand what you mean and. If family life has been rough for a long time. If the children start slacking off. the more formal it is. that you are being genuine. the parents tell them to shape up. Noel Swanson 42 . they usually do as they are told. and in return the parents are happy to drive them places. And so every family will go through phases. The Informal Checks And Balances Of Home Life In general. it is time to become more structured and more formal. The words may be right. and there will be times without structure. there may be too much fear and resentment for the child to want to comply. or you can try to correct a very small number of serious behaviors using a highly structured system. Usually.Too much of that and the child's self-esteem is back down the toilet. In other words. Take care. the more formal and structured the solution will need to be. The more severe or entrenched the problems are.
but before it does. horrible little child as the cause of all their misery. instead of joy. following these principles will also help you to be much calmer and less frustrated. The child. harmonious. would all like to have a peaceful. But it can be done. spoiling the fun and eroding the love. Soon the parents start to see their wilful. I have had parents confess that they can no longer bear the sight of their child because they are so frustrated. it becomes very easy to blame the other one: 'If only she would be more firm with them. So here they are. she gives in too easily. wonders why he has been given such mean and bad-tempered parents. This in itself will then allow you to be even more consistent. How on earth do you achieve that? After all. and even your children.CHAPTER 2 . It will take some work. It is true that when the hostility in the home becomes that intense it is very difficult to change. you are human. Noel Swanson 43 . When things go wrong. you will never be totally consistent. the easier it will be. Instead of laughter. To be sure. we need to make sure that the stage has been set. The enemy is the problem that crept in and turned one against the other. Often one parent tends to be more strict than the other. there is shouting. Act One is about to begin. Too often. there is anger. disobedient. W You will have gathered by now that an important factor in getting your house back in order is that magic ingredient: consistency. he hates the present situation as much as you do.2 Getting Started e are almost ready to put all of this into practice with some specific strategies. And the sooner you start. and fun-filled home. and what is more. You. and fortunately perfection is not essential (although it does help!). angry and hurt. Sometimes the only way out seems to be to get rid of the horrible little brat! But he is not the enemy. in turn. Another pitfall is to blame your partner. But something has crept in and spoilt the fun. After years of struggling. But there are some things that you can do to improve your consistency. the scenery and props are in place. Recognize the Enemy No one wants to be fighting and arguing with his or her family. and it will only happen if you are more committed to seeing things improve than to blaming the child and excusing yourself. their battles with their children have escalated to such a point that no one feels anything can ever improve.' 'If only he would be a bit more reasonable – he is so strict they can hardly breathe without him coming down on them!' Dr. and that all the actors know their lines. Each begins to see the other as the Enemy. your partner.
not the child. In fact. But you have to be on the same team for that to happen – blaming each other will never work. But you cannot just stand there watching her hit him and so. you have done so a thousand times. and before long the parents are hardly talking to each other. and you are already wondering what you are going to do about it this time. as you are dealing with problem behaviors. Later. what action you were going to take instead of all the repeating and threatening. the frequency will be less. the two of you can complement and help each other by being different. Even as you find her at it you feel your blood start to boil. Instead. in advance. But difference is not wrong. you start talking. But start now. in advance. and expecting obedience NOW. At the back of the manual you will find some sample worksheets that may help you to analyze the behaviors and formulate your own management strategies. This is not a one-off activity – it will need to be done regularly. you know that she will simply ignore what you are saying (what was that about expecting first-time obedience?). and perhaps even end up separating. Mother comes along and sees the fight. And she follows this up with the action that she had already decided upon in advance. she stays calm. while you are calm and in control. and issues her instruction calmly and firmly – meaning what she says. Turn the anger towards the problem. Then the scene would have gone like this: Katie is fighting – again. you may need to do this once or twice every week. Once again. Clearly. saying what she means. Set aside a time when you and your partner can get away from the children and when you will be uninterrupted Dr. So please. But all of this could have been avoided if you knew. put all the blaming aside. but this time she knows what she is going to do. Initially. If you have spoken to her about this once. you must do this. and we know that what we are doing is not working. and let's start to work on making things better – for all of you. Katie has already been through this routine numerous times. as things become more controlled. as she is ignoring you. That means that you and your partner need to set some time aside to think about the children's behaviors and your responses. Pretty quickly you are back into RTP mode.Quickly. Think Ahead Most of the time we get frustrated because we are not sure what to do next. as you are trying to think of something to do. Noel Swanson 44 . How to do this will also be discussed in more detail in Chapter 5. so even as you start telling her off. But if you really want to get things under control. So. So there is no need to get frustrated. you repeat yourself. Of course. the differences become exaggerated. and soon you will be working together to recreate that warmth and hope for which you are all searching. Katie is picking on her younger brother. what this requires is for you to think through your plans. and since you still cannot think of anything better to do.
If it's Mark. Walk Your Talk The telephone rings. remember?). but unless you do this you will not be able to formulate a coherent plan of action. Get a notebook and write down what problems you want to address and what you are going to do about them. The quickest way to produce bad behavior in children is for the parents to disagree in front of them about how to handle situations. get the ******* phone. How do you avoid this? The first step is to go back to the previous section – sit down with your partner and try to work out your joint responses to the situations. so Dad blames Mom for being too soft and Mom blames Dad for being too hard. To try to contain the bad behavior. Then set a time and date for the next review meeting. It sounds rather formal. tell him I'm out. Mom undermines this by giving in to the child to make up for Dad's unreasonable expectations. anyone that you can tell all your frustrations to. and you will find yourself unprepared for the next crisis. Get Some Support OK. No longer will you rise to the bait and start ranting and raving. Dr. it does not follow that the children have too. Noel Swanson 45 . You may feel even lower when the children seem to be getting worse rather than better after the first few days (that is to be expected. Have A United Front. So how will you cope? You were probably feeling fragile and discouraged before you started. 'Joanne. relative. Then commit yourselves to supporting each other in actually doing what you have decided to do. but either way the end result is Mom and Dad fighting and the child figuring out that she can get whatever she wants if she just plays one off against the other in the right way. will you. they then become more extreme in their own behaviors: Dad gets more and more rigid and possibly harsh. It may take a lot longer for your emotional overdraft to be paid off.for a couple of hours. and who will then encourage you to stick at it. 'Hello?' she says. they carry on shouting and fighting. No one answers it. It may take several weeks for them to realize that the old behaviors do not work any more. Joanne picks up the phone. This is also one of the biggest causes of stress and friction between parents. You are stepping out of RTP mode and into compliment mode. you have decided to take the plunge. Of course the roles might be reversed. The only problem is that just because you have changed today. The child is misbehaving. This is when you need to call on some support – a friend.' Mom shouts down from the bedroom. counselor. In the meantime.
They just follow their leader. When they are a week old. it is sticking their tongues out. like his sister. Jasmine is a delightful. on the other hand. At six weeks. Yesterday he scored two. Mom's expectation is that Luke should score eight. noisy and hyperactive. Don't know when she'll be back. it is learning to be kind and polite. 'Puh-lease!' From the moment they are born. ask yourself. Maybe they will even learn to say one thing and do the opposite too. And then she complains that her children swear and lie all the time? As they say on the sitcoms. in fact. He is clumsy. Luke only about two out of ten. In this family. She would like to have a nervous breakdown but does not have the time as she is too busy running after him. she's out right now. Since he was at two instead of eight. Just like you are.' What did Mom just do? First she swears. He never does what he is told. constantly talks back. Mom has tried everything she can think of. Just like you do. it is learning to smile. A little angel. shout and lie. not what you say. a fairly average day for him. well-behaved girl. Luke. Joanne.'Hello. five. Jasmine scores about eight out of ten for good behavior. Noel Swanson 46 . It is up to you to be the best leader that you can. And of course they learn to swear. sorry. So next time you are telling them off for something. No. Is your Mom in?' 'Oh hi. It is no good telling them to do one thing while you do the opposite. placid. and is always getting into fights or breaking things. and then she asks her daughter to lie for her. 'Do I need to do better on this too?' Reset Your Expectations And Clear The Slate Take a look at the diagram. polite. just like you do. At three. Mark. but he just won't behave. But he does not. She is at her wits' end and can't cope with his naughtiness any more. is a little monster. children learn by imitating their parents. On an average day. Not surprisingly. Children do not know which bits they are supposed to copy and which bits they shouldn't. They will copy what you do. he was six points short of expectations. 'Why can't you settle down and play nicely like your sister?' she screams at him. seven years. Dr. he spent most of the day in one punishment or another.
and his sense of self-control over his own life will improve. and instead of thumping his sister.Today. but Mom said no. She wanted to go for a sleep-over with her best friend. and Mom is frustrated with him yet again. He has failed yet again. This will then lay the foundations for even higher challenges at a future day. He has never done it in two years. then he is still four points short. and gradually he will learn that it is more fun to behave at a 4 level than at a 2 level. he is playing the game with a friend. so he gets four out of ten for the day. Is Luke doing well or badly? Is he doing better or worse than Jasmine? It all depends on expectations. even though she is miserable today. Luke scores four and Jasmine scores six. Maybe if he is rewarded for today's 4 he might manage it again tomorrow. Or he might not. Jasmine is having a tough day. Today she is down to six out of ten. Luke has done really well. Luke is actually doing better than usual. not punished? It is Jasmine who is far from being a little angel today – she can do much better than that! To expect Luke to achieve an 8 is unreasonable and unfair. But he can achieve a 4 on occasions. Now the family is in reward mode. Some will Dr. however. Noel Swanson 47 . and so his confidence. She is whining and complaining and generally making her displeasure felt. so he is just being set up to fail. On this day. Where Do You Start? What is important to you? No doubt there are a dozen. however. It is achievable. The rest of the day has still been pretty hairy. large and small behaviors that drive you up the wall. Even though he went up from a two to a four. Shouldn't his achievement of getting from a two to a four be celebrated and rewarded. What do you suppose will be the effect of today on his self-esteem? Compared to his usual average. But if every time he reaches a 3 or a 4 he is rewarded. he was punished. and there were no fights. Some of these will simply be irritating. there will be more fun times in the home. If Luke is supposed to be an eight. he is still two points short of Jasmine. So Luke gets shouted at for all the things he has done wrong. he has done it a few times already. guess what will happen? He will spend less time in punishment. if not a hundred. He played nicely with his friend. He has found a new game to play with. In fact.
chronic problem. Recognize which behaviors you can reasonably expect to change. So obviously you are going to have to prioritize. and which you are simply going to have to learn to live with. They are also the behaviors that will impair the grown-up child's ability to function well in adult society. It also means that you can quickly experience success. Start with something easy. But the behavior was causing a lot of distress to the whole family. The intrinsically messy child can be induced to tidy up his room. And then. insolence and disrespect are obviously high on this list. In this case. Charles was one such child. Noel Swanson 48 . Lying. or lying. In general these will be the behaviors that mold character and personality over time. Remember that you cannot change the child's behavior. So what could they do? Clearly. which means that you can then celebrate that success and so get into reward mode. None worked. Start with something smaller and then work up to the more difficult and entrenched behaviors. there is the constant complaining. But in some cases it is simply impossible. to continue to try to change this child's behavior would be fruitless. and some very worrying. Every day Dad would come home from work and find more holes in the garden.be annoying. setting up external motivators in the hope that these external consequences will have more value to him than the internal ones that are also motivating him. Where do you start? One thing is for sure. He had a strong compulsion to dig holes in his garden. He would do this constantly and at every opportunity. 3. At this point some questions need to be asked: Why is this so important? Does it harm anyone? Does it mean that the child will grow up to be a psychopath or a serial killer? Or perhaps a gardener or archaeologist? Is it just Dr. the internal compulsion to dig holes was much more powerful than any other good or bad consequence. All sorts of rewards and punishments had been tried in an attempt to get this behavior changed. In most cases that can be done. You cannot deal with all the problems at one time. or stealing from your purse. perhaps. On the one hand you have the wet towel that is always left lying on the bathroom floor. Decide which behaviors are the more important over the long haul. and every day he would get more and more angry and upset about it. Leaving socks lying around on the floor is clearly a much more minor issue. All that you can do is to change the environment around him. If you try. To do this there are three basic principles that you want to consider: 1. and then perhaps give up on the whole idea of improving things. you will likely spend your whole life in punishment and frustration mode. stealing. On the other hand you have playing with matches. If you start with the more difficult behaviors you are likely to remain frustrated with the slow progress. whining. By doing this you can develop some confidence in your ability to change behaviors. 2. Do not dive in to try to fix the most difficult. or swearing.
Put this way. If it is a passing phase. not as "we need to do something about Charles digging all these holes". and not the child. the parents are going to have to find a way of not becoming so upset by the behavior. instead of all of them getting upset about the failed attempts to change Charlie's behaviors. the family may be able to help Dad with his problem. But.he just has a problem with his dad getting so uptight about it. If it is a clinical disorder. Dr. an appointment with the doctor is in order. not for the child. then perhaps a sit and wait approach is more appropriate. it is the adults who need to make the first step in changing. This means we can reframe the problem. This means that if there is to be peace in the house. but instead "I [Dad] am having a problem with holes that keep appearing in my garden".a phase that the child will likely grow out of? Or is this compulsion so severe that it indicates an actual disorder such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that may need professional help? The answers to these questions will determine the path you take in trying to find solutions. but for the parents. From all accounts it would seem that Charles is quite happy with his hole digging . The second vital step is to recognize that the enemy (digging of holes) is causing a problem. and in particular for Dad. The crucial first step in this is to identify that it is the digging of holes that is the enemy. Noel Swanson 49 . whatever the answers. Either way. it is unlikely that this behavior is going to change in the near future.
not in five or ten minutes. E 1-2-3-Magic! When to Use it Popularized in the United States by Dr Thomas Phelan. For example. These are the times when you want Susie to do something NOW. It is also useful for cutting short an argument in which the child is trying to whine. however. and then leave them to it. as long as you follow the instructions to the letter! Once you have started using these techniques you should go back and read the theory chapters. this technique is used for teaching obedience: specifically for achieving immediate compliance to an instruction. If you have skipped over the chapters on the theory of it all. jumping or climbing on the furniture. as they will now make more sense to you. since this technique does not teach responsibility. you then expect some action from them when the program does finish. you will now be able to further adapt and design your strategies for your own particular situation. After all. and most of the time it would be a bit fierce. With that knowledge. Of course. Dr. It is highly effective in two situations: 1. complain. Be careful in using it in this situation.CHAPTER 3 . and manipulate in order to get her own way – when you have said 'No' and she does not want to take no for an answer. only obedience. Noel Swanson 51 . harassing the younger brother or the dog. When your child is in the process of doing something wrong.1 Three Counts and You're Out! nough of all the theory – let's get down to the nitty gritty! In this section we will discuss some specific techniques that you can use to bring a wide range of unwanted behaviors to an end. For other tactics on how to start good behavior see Chapter 4. as long as it does get done. drawing on the walls. and they are still sitting around not doing as they were told. who gave it this wonderful name. In other words. Used too much in this situation and you may come across as a sergeant major rather than a parent. 2. throwing a temper tantrum. you will still be able to use these techniques very effectively. often it does not really matter if the task is done now or after the TV program has finished. If it doesn't. it is used in situations where you are trying to STOP a certain behavior. When you want immediate obedience in performing some task. In those situations you can simply say. 'Please hang up your coat as soon as the program is finished'. it is time to start the count.
put the incident behind you. but firm tone. you will be in big trouble. continues then say: 'That's two'. . get off the sofa NOW. This is absolutely crucial. Do NOT be tempted to say anything else. You must maintain your presence to indicate that you are serious about this. 6. but anyway): DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ELSE. say. Dr. whatever. measured. please.' 'The guests are going to be here in two minutes. Look at the child and try to make eye contact.) 2. arguing. otherwise you will be back in RTP mode. Once they come out of time-out. Do NOT say anything else. 3. whining. Instead. the incident is over. 'That's one'. Amanda. Except in rare circumstances. again in a calm. Stay calm. Do not shout or roar. and the defiance.' At this point. mean w hat you say Count to Three Use Time Out 1-2-3-Magic Stay Calm Don't Roar 'You were told to put the game away when you were finished.' Still no action? Then say: 'That's three – go to time-out. Do it NOW. Do not give the instruction and then walk away or start reading the paper. Wait another two seconds while you continue to maintain your presence. Go and hang that coat up NOW. temper tantrum.' 'No.. Wait in silence. 7. 5. and try to get on with the fun stuff again. . Wait another two seconds. 4.' Say what you mean. Stay where you are and continue to look at the child while you wait for a couple of seconds. you should not have a postmortem discussion on it. and you will once again be reinforcing the non-compliance with your attention. Noel Swanson 52 . that's two and three quarters . I've told you before about this so you had better get on with it' and so on. you may not have a cookie until after supper. Give your instruction in a quiet but firm voice (the same type of voice that you use to tell your dog to 'sit'): 'Steven. If there is no action after a couple of seconds.. Especially do not make any threats: 'If you don't get a move on. especially with a younger child. 8.' (Just because you are being firm does not mean that you have to be rude – simple courtesies like please and thank you still go a long way to teach honor and respect. you may actually have to physically pick up the screaming child and put him into time-out (see below). Got it? If there is still no action. Especially do not start counting in fractions: 'That's two and half . so I will repeat it again (I shouldn't have to as I meant it the first time.What to do 1.
the swearing increases. Use this technique even if you have company.' 'Thank you. So do not be afraid to use this as many times in one day as you have to. or has gone on so long. the child gambles and waits to see what happens. alright then. calmly and rationally. maybe what is needed is just more of them. you will find that you get to 'three' less often: 'That's two. Indeed. You might do your counting and you might send them to time-out – but then again. all words. do not be alarmed! Do not give up after the first few days. Along with this. that you are already feeling angry and irritable. This means that both you and your child will feel better about it afterwards. Sending a child to timeout is not a cruel and unusual punishment. after all. Notes 1. It is much less embarrassing to say to your visitors. So the volume of the shouting goes up. Noel Swanson . while you are still calm. than it is to pretend that 53 2.'. whining. these behaviors always used to work (as in getting the child what they wanted). maybe you won't follow through. After a number of days. Persist with it. as with the gambler. but no action. That is OK. If I have to. then. 3. Children are gamblers (remember?). Do not wait until the behavior is so unbearable. Initially. and so on.' (No harm in being polite!) 4. you simply start the process again from step one. If the child goes right back to the forbidden activity. and maybe this 'new phase' of discipline will wear off again in a few days and it will be back to the old-style parent – repeating. By giving your instruction once only. This is to be expected. At this stage. staying calm. talking back. and it can all be dealt with much more quickly. and following the instructions exactly. and you may have to do this a number of times in one day. If this happens. and if he smartens up he can be back out again in just a few minutes and then the whole incident is over.9. it is important to intervene early. the realization comes that something is different and the old behaviors don't seem to be paying off any more. so if they are not working so well any more. threatening. you are able to end this incident quickly and calmly before it all blows up into a big scene. . arguing. and then following up with some clear action. so for the first few days they will continue with their old behaviors – ignoring you. Nothing horrible is going to happen to him. Dr. . Deal with it as soon as it starts. So. their arguing and defiance may become worse for a few days. 'Excuse me while I deal with this .' 'Aw. you will probably have to get to 'three' on most occasions. It is no longer worth the gamble. the whining becomes more persistent.
and tell the children. it is less embarrassing to show that you are in charge.Nathan is not really climbing on top of the piano with his outdoor boots on! In fact. In the car: I find that the most effective tactic is simply to pull over to the side of the road. Very quickly. This is of course especially effective if you are visiting your child's friend rather than your friend. b. than to let the little angels run around clearly out of control. Have the child sit down in the aisle or in the shopping trolley. for a few minutes while you continue shopping in that aisle. then you start at step one. 5. Use this technique when away from home. Leaving your friend's house to go home may actually be a reward for your bored child. Take the child immediately out of the store. Ask to use their bathroom as a time-out room. the children will discover that once Mom starts counting she means business – at home. so if you do that. b. Noel Swanson 54 . Don't leave that aisle so that she is unsupervised. quietly and calmly. Or. So. There is not too much damage that angry children can cause there. Turn off the engine. make sure that they go straight into time-out at home. or go straight home to do it. you are still the boss in your home. but does the same apply when you are out shopping? The only way you can show that you mean business when you are out shopping is to mean business – and that requires action. or Veronica is racing up and down the aisles. Abort the shopping trip. If that happens you won't be invited round again! Or. Ah. a. if Liam is pulling all the cans off the shelves. Abort the visit and go home. Out Shopping: Either. But what happens when you reach 'three'? Here are some suggestions. At a friend's house: Either: a. that you will all Dr. and they will be very surprised that you actually follow through on your word even at someone else's house! Again. remaining quiet. what it shows is that although you have difficult children. but don't stand right next to her giving her your impatient attention. and either time-out in the car in the car park. You will not have to do this very many times before they realize that you really do mean business! It is worth the occasional wasted trip to get these children under control again.
If this happens. calmly start the engine and resume your journey. 'That's two. When your child has friends over. it works just as well in class as it does in the home. If the school is having difficulties with your child's behavior. doing nothing. or else you will be back into RTP mode! Once they are compliant again. And of course you must stay calm . refuse to use it when the children go for visits. Almost always the reason for problems is because you have talked too much! Perhaps you have repeated yourself numerous times before you started the counting. that is an unrealistic expectation for any punishment. you do not have any control over what they do in their home. if your child regularly goes to a babysitter or relative. and let them worry about any behaviors that they get in their home. After all. try to also teach them the system. Sometimes children will be cheeky and will count for you: when you say 'That's one'. '1-2-3 Magic' will not work like magic if you start talking in the middle of it. you skip stages one and two. and they will figure out what rules apply in what homes and what they can or cannot get away with in each. Time-Out The purpose of time-out is just what it says: time out from fun and from all the rewards and motivators that were reinforcing the undesirable behavior. or your ex-spouse. So if the grandparents. do not panic. and since they have counted to three that means they go straight to time-out. Similarly. 10. that's three'. check your technique. or you issued threats and warnings. until they are behaving properly again. If after several days you are still not getting results. and send him off to time-out. It probably does not matter which tactic you use. 9. and your rules apply. and continue with your normal counting routine. or you can use their count. or if it works for a few weeks and then seems to lose effectiveness. you have two options. it is your house. Then sit quietly and do NOT say any more.do not rise to the bait and get into an argument or start telling them off for being cheeky. you obviously do not stand quietly by while you slowly count to three and he continues bashing her. They will learn pretty quickly what the rules are in this house. For the most part. use it with them too. Children are not dumb. Any one of these is a killer for the technique. If Johnny is busy beating up his little sister with a frying pan. You can either ignore them. 8. 6. But remember. and it will demonstrate to your own children that you are not just being mean to them. but you should try to consistently use one or the other. It is not intended to be a severe punishment that will work as a one-time cure so that this behavior never ever happens again. Just continue to use it in your own home. tell them about this system. On this kind of occasion. jump straight to 'three'. Noel Swanson 55 . Dr. or were enticed into an argument during the counting. but that you are fair and consistent with everyone.continue to sit there. they answer back in a sassy voice. 7.
talking back. there is in any case no good reason why pre-teens need to have such things in their bedroom. wait for things to calm down. The effectiveness of using time-out comes not from one-time use. starting at age five. I would advise you to remove the TV and the computer games from the room. Time-out is used as a consequence for behaviors that could be classified as 'wrong'. spitting. But first. The idea is that they are missing out on attention and interactions with the rest of the home. Time-out is used as an integral part of the '1-2-3 Magic' strategy. that is absolutely fine and does not detract from the time-out in any way. Rules for Time-Out 1. Select a time-out room. For these types of behavior. Behaviors that would be classified as 'wrong' might include swearing. and then restart the timer. then you will be tempted to continue to park illegally. biting). If you are trying to teach responsibility. Dr. as opposed to being just 'irresponsible'. However. 2. Noel Swanson 56 . the reward for being quiet is built into the system. aggression and violence (hitting. you are much better off using logical consequences rather than time-out. Usually the best place is the child's bedroom. as if they were in solitary confinement. In this way. but by using it consistently – both in the sense that you do it the same way each time. but another room such as a bathroom can also be used. The goal is not for them to sit there totally bored. The usual rule of thumb is to set it for one minute per year of age. But you probably would not use it as a response to Johnny not doing his homework. and at the same time to introduce a reward to motivate the correct behavior. kicking. Quite apart from the fact that they would be too much of a reward for being sent to their room. This gives the child a lot of control and thus the opportunity to develop self-control. helped along by a lot of incentive to quiet down quickly – he can either rant and rave for twenty minutes before you start timing. You can use a mechanical kitchen timer.Instead. or the timer on a digital microwave. and also that you do use it each and every time that you should. then stop the timer. If they come to their room and find a good book or a puzzle to get involved in. deliberate defiance (doing the exact opposite of what you have just told a child to do). or Veronica leaving her dolls lying all over the kitchen floor. It is not necessary that the room be bare and devoid of any entertainment. Use a timer. or he can calm down quickly and get out in just a few minutes. the goal is to break the cycle of rewards that reinforce the wrong behavior. you wait for the child to be quiet. the child starts up all the fuss again. Only once he has settled down and has stopped shouting and crying and banging and stomping do you start the timer. Remember the example of the traffic warden? If he keeps letting you off when you park illegally. If. after you have started the timer. use the strategies for teaching responsibility.
It is just good sense. and then come out. If at that time you had already started timing. can I have a drink?' 'Dad. then there is no longer any reason to lock the door.' 'Mom. Dr. Noel Swanson 57 . She may well try various tactics to engage you in a discussion or argument. is it time yet?' Do not even be tempted to reply! Do not say a word. Once the child settles down and no longer tries to run after you. use it very sparingly and very calmly. wait the allotted time.' 'I have stopped the timer.' (This is just meant as a reminder. Do not even acknowledge that they are in the house. If he comes out. In both these cases you are back to giving them your full attention. then you may have to put a lock on the door in order to keep them in. The quicker they calm down the sooner they get the attention they want. and only to give the child the message that repeatedly coming out to get your attention will not work. Don't get me wrong here – I am certainly not suggesting that you lock your child up for hours on end! If you do that. wait for him to be calmly in his room again. I need to pee. I will start when you are quiet. Once the child is in time-out. do NOT interact with her. even through the closed door: 'Mom. to say the following: 'I have started the timer now. you must calmly send him back.3. or else to stand on the other side of the door holding on to the door knob.) But again. The only way they can get attention from you is to quiet down. The reason for doing this is that the two alternatives are to keep returning them to their room. and this will just reinforce this behavior! Putting a lock on their room is not a cruel and unusual punishment. You can come out when it rings. however. then there really is no valid safety concern. and then reset the timer back to the beginning. Provided that you don't leave them alone in the house while you go out (which you should not be doing anyway). you deserve to have the social services knocking on your door.' Or. If this becomes a persistent problem. To have to do this for more than two or three days would be rare indeed. It is permissible. be warned – do not get seduced into any more talking than that! 4. I will restart it when you are quiet again. after about fifteen minutes of ongoing fuss: 'I have not started timing yet. The child is supposed to stay in the room. It should be done calmly and firmly. The attitude in which it is done is all important: when done in anger with a motivation of locking them away 'in jail' it is harsh and abusive. The idea is that she has time out from getting attention from you. especially with very lively young children.
or other abuse on the way to the room. The issue of tidying it up again should then be put back on to them as a responsibility issue (see Chapter 4-2 on teaching responsibility). he needs to go back to the chair until he has found them. use a chair. With older children. It is both an expression of their anger and a way of getting back at you for being so mean. while they are still working out if you really mean business or not. it is quite appropriate for you to expect him to apologize (he may need some reminding to do this). Call it the 'manners chair'. but instead of a room. Noel Swanson 58 . With the little ones. you may have to pick them up and carry them. but so that they can still see what is going on. do not panic. When there is an incident. If the answer is yes. it is over. If at all possible. Do NOT react to it. you cannot do this. do not rant and rave at the child. The first is for younger children. since this would be evidence that he has indeed found his manners. emptying drawers on the floor and throwing clothes around. send the child to the 'manners chair' with instructions to come back again when he has found his manners. This is usually just part of the early phases of using time-out. Once the child comes back from the manners chair. The same basic principles can still be used. Variations on Time-Out There are a couple of variations that can be used with the time-out. If this happens.Sometimes children in time-out will wreck their rooms. if there is an excessive amount of swearing. 5. unfair and horrible to them. Children under five do not normally respond well to being shut up in a room for time-out. If he comes back without asking. if not. Once the time-out is over. losing all TV privileges for the day. it is likely to flare up again into a big confrontation. With these youngsters. Usually this means tearing the bedclothes off. But it is best to leave the topic well alone until this particular incident is over. If he cannot or will not apologize. then ask him if he has found his manners. door slamming. Put this chair in a corner so it is a little bit out of the way of normal life. In that case you may have to fall back on an alternative punishment that you are able to enforce – for example. then that is fine. By focusing on the positive aspect of finding Dr. then it is back to the chair to look for his manners again. If you try to deal with it straight away. Do not inflame the situation all over again by trying to revisit it and discuss it. Whatever the age. 6. you can calmly tell them that you have added another minute to their time. as it is the place to which they can go in order to find their manners again. The child is then ignored (as with the regular time-out) until he announces that he has found his manners and wants to come back again. try to keep it as positive and lighthearted as possible: help them to check in their pocket to see if their manners are there. do nothing! Leave their room exactly as it is: a mess. or they have fallen under the chair. Or perhaps they have dropped them. Getting children into time-out can sometimes be a challenge.
they stay in their room. The difference is that this variation is mostly used after an incident. As soon as the chore is done. The other variation is for use with slightly older children. whilst the counting is done while the inappropriate behavior. it means being kind. This is where the loss of privileges comes in. Therefore you need to have a back-up. when the child is in trouble. The 5-Minute Work Chore This is used mainly with teenagers. If he refuses or simply fails to do the chore. he is assigned a work chore from the list. perhaps five to nine years old. but no one likes to do them. All that you do is remove some or all of the child's privileges for a specific length of time. For example. the incident is over. then he loses privileges instead. Until they can come up with the right behavior. or possibly with the more mature pre-teens as an alternative to time-out. but still firm. Dr. continues. or remove TV privileges for the evening. Note that with the older child or teenager. The five-minute work chore is not enforceable by you – there is no way that you can make the child clean the toilet if he absolutely refuses. This does not mean being soft on bad behavior. With this variation. Then. or in response to incidents of insolence or disrespect. you will often be able to avoid pushing them into a corner where they feel they have to continue to be stubborn in order not to lose face. but using the time-out room instead of the manners chair. First you draw up a list of work chores that take approximately five-minutes to complete. instead of sending the child to his room for a time-out. you might remove their Game Boy for half an hour. you again give them the responsibility of finding good behavior. You would not normally use this variation with the '1-2-3 Magic' strategy. Loss of Privileges The punishments that you use must ultimately be enforceable by you. This variation might be used when you are trying to instil good table manners. Instead. such as bouncing on the sofa. the child is sent to time-out with instructions that he may return when he can show appropriate behavior – which would normally include a spontaneous apology on his return.their good behavior again. this is not necessarily the same as preventing them from going. Or you may decide not to provide that car ride to their club or friend's house. These are normally chores that have to be done. However. It is similar to the youngsters' version. Noel Swanson 59 . you are merely removing the privilege of a taxi service – if they want to use their own money to arrange transport then they can still go. the timer is not used.
in a matter-offact manner. locking things away. Only one setback this week. that's it. so maybe next week you will do even better and have none. you march him off to his room amid cries. 'Right. lose your cool. Let each day start afresh so that they have the opportunity of succeeding and doing well. But do not let the punishment carry over into the next day. Noel Swanson 60 . Just don't threaten something if you are not able to carry it through! One final word. and (reasonably) well behaved.There are many variations on how to withdraw privileges. He hits her and she cries.(page 77). 'You are not going with us on the outing!' So what has happened? At the last minute. since no matter how well he does. and be firm and in control. But instead of going. a time to rejoice rather than mourn. At times you may have to be quite creative in removing these privileges – taking plugs off. It starts over a petty squabble with his sister. rather than starting off in punishment mode even before their sleepy feet hit the floor in the morning. you may find using the points charts very helpful. you cannot then take it away again if he did something bad. swearing and thrashing arms and legs. hiding the keys. you would probably have been able to balance it against the rest of the good week. It is the unearned privileges that you withdraw. This is what happens: You have been working very hard with the children all week. and you would instead have been able to see it for what it is: a temporary setback amid some good progress. If he earned it he gets it. See Chapter 4-2 on teaching responsibility. But in the afternoon Jordan totally loses it.' So be wary of the Sudden Death Syndrome – it is more than just a day's outing that gets killed by it! To help avoid it. and so on. and for the most part have been polite. all the efforts and good behavior of the week have been destroyed in one fell swoop. Avoiding Sudden Death There is one other pitfall that you must be very careful to avoid. grabbing his ear. Overall. The morning was OK. Soon it escalates into a big fight. But then Friday comes along. Do so calmly. I call it 'Sudden Death'. They too have been trying their best. and so why should he even bother trying? Had this episode happened on Tuesday. he swears at you and stomps off.' you growl. Jordan is much more likely to feel totally discouraged. As a treat and a reward for their good behavior you have all been looking forward to a special outing at the weekend. the family is plunged into gloom over how the week was spoiled. Instead of being able to celebrate a good week. co-operative. it always goes wrong in the end. Instead of being motivated to do even better next week. You get frustrated. and. Dr. A time to say: 'Well done! You've had a good week. totally ignoring you. You step in calmly and send him to his room. If your child has earned a privilege for doing one thing.
I neeeeeeeeed a cookie. but other examples include making silly faces and noises. must remain a rock and continue to repeat yourself.Other Tactics The Broken Record This can be an effective way to stop whining and nagging. she tries again.' Cathy. since you do reply each time she asks. you decide to use the broken-record technique. This is how it goes: Little Cathy wants a cookie. you might step over the child who is rolling about on the floor and walk out of the room. You. You tell her calmly that supper is in a quarter of an hour. you simply carry on with your activities. Cathy will undoubtedly come back many more times to see if she can win you over or wear you down. Undeterred. however. If you allow the behavior to get to you. The three year old's temper tantrum is the classic example of this. the idea is that with constant and consistent use.' And you carry on with your other tasks. Ignoring This is used to eliminate behaviors that are clearly attention seeking or manipulative. especially with younger children. The second risk is that the repetition and lack of real response from you may prove to be too frustrating for the child. This attention may in itself be sufficient to encourage her to continue to ask. The first is that you are still giving some limited attention to the child. your consistency will eventually teach her that the whining does not work and is not worth the effort. If it is a temper tantrum. So you respond with the exact-same words in the exact-same tone: 'No cookies before supper. Noel Swanson 61 . and so there are no cookies before supper. Cathy asks again. perhaps by dealing with it by counting. If you can make it through the outburst. using the exact-same words each time. As with the other strategies. The tricky part is to genuinely ignore it. just like a broken record. the child will realize that you are not going to give in.' At this point. you will start to exhibit Dr. you say: 'No cookies before supper. Unmovable. There are some drawbacks with this. is unfazed by this. being a true gambler. however. however. it can provoke an outburst of frustration and anger which only makes the situation worse. If it is making faces and noises. Instead. The essence of this is to totally ignore the annoying behavior. 'Mom. you could start to count. She will then give up on it. This may then provoke you to respond instead of continuing to ignore her. In this case. and.
This tactic is a good one to combine with another tactic such as "1-2-3-Magic". The major behaviors are tackled with the counting and time out. This last option is the best of them. find something that is quick to implement and quickly over with. In its usual format. There are times when grounding has its place. Or some deal is struck whereby Aaron can get time off for good behavior.signs of annoyance. What are you going to do then? Ground him for another week? If this carries on. he is going to be in punishment mode for a whole week. the minor ones are simply ignored. And if you need to. Unfortunately. Instead. and so the behavior is reinforced. and only when it is clearly appropriate for the crime. This means that he is confined to home and is not allowed out to play with friends. he is not going to be in a happy mood. Grounding Grounding (or gating. Once you have told Aaron that he is grounded. you can use the same consequence again so you do not run out of ammunition. Noel Swanson 62 . Now your child can experience the consequence. and then get on with good times again. pretty soon he will be grounded for life. The other problem is that once you have grounded him you have run out of ammunition. Perhaps the grounding is just conveniently forgotten. is that in practice. Dr. the offending child is told that he is grounded for a week (or some other period of time). It is usually used with older children or teenagers. which is in fact related to the first. But since you have told him that he cannot go out for the week. It is hard to build up a happy family atmosphere again while all that is going on. Other privileges such as TV may or may not also be suspended during this time. it is also one of the least effective. and there is no possibility of turning this around to make it into more positive. reward-based mode. which he will then take out on you. that means that you are going to have to put up with his moody behavior for all that time. the full sentence is rarely carried out. frustration or anger. After a few days of Aaron's griping and moaning. The child will be quick to pick these up. learn the lesson (hopefully). There are two major problems with this. as it is sometimes called) seems to be an increasingly common punishment. Supposing Aaron then pulls off another stunt – perhaps he might even climb out of the window to go and see his friends. Otherwise the child would feel he is constantly being picked on for every minor misdemeanor. This provides considerable potential for him to build up his resentment and anger about the whole affair. But use it rarely and very cautiously. The second. but in most cases it would be better to avoid the grounding in the first place. The first is that the duration is usually much too long. The problem is that since you have grounded him for a week. one of the parents will usually give in.
With many children. we need to be very clear with our language so that we know exactly what we are talking about. is the calm. and the pain should be short-lived – that is. It should not cause bruising or any other lasting injury. So what is spanking? Spanking. Does spanking have a place? And if so. for example. the very mention of the word conjures up images of child abuse. seconds or minutes.Spanking Now. not hours. It must not be done when you are angry with the child. it seems to have little to recommend it. lays him across his knee. and rarely does it fulfil all these criteria. when and how? In order to sort all this out. Certainly. Anything beyond this is excessively harsh and abusive. please get yourself some help now. it makes the situation worse rather than better. here is a contentious issue! For some people. If you find yourself getting into this kind of situation. it does nothing that the other methods described in this manual cannot do better. All in all. there are more effective ways of handling behavior. He starts shouting and swearing at little Stephen. that Dad comes home from work to find Stephen once again scribbling all over the newly decorated wall with a thick black marker pen. and starts thrashing him. For others. It is done in haste and in anger by a parent who is himself out of control. you will be a model of restraint and respect for your child and will develop your own self-control. The trouble is that in 99 per cent of cases that is exactly when it is done. Is it effective? Not particularly. Suppose. Dr. Dad is furious. before it goes even further. it is the default punishment for any and every wrong behavior. This is clearly not a 'spanking'. done properly. Noel Swanson 63 . you little ******!' he says as he grabs him. Such behavior is wrong and abusive. 'I'll teach you. with the others. My conclusion? Abandon it and work on the other strategies instead. In doing so. and it carries a great risk of making things worse. pre-planned administration of temporary physical pain without causing physical injury and without causing humiliation or embarrassment.
or the wrong thing. Noel Swanson 64 . They can only think about what they want: if they want a toy. for example. He did it because he deliberately wanted to be mean. by running away and lying? Dr. if you find that Rory deliberately broke one of his sister's Barbie dolls to get back at her for something? Or if the children were playing cricket or baseball in the wrong place. for example when replacing the old windows with double glazing. He did it not because he did not think through the consequences. Often we do it deliberately.2 More Serious "Crimes" ounting and time-out work well when you catch the child in the act. they take it. and morals have to do with what is right and what is wrong. They must learn to be more responsible. 'breaking glass' is not wrong. Pre-schoolers have not yet developed the moral capacity to be deliberately mean. But what do you do if you have just found out about something they did yesterday? And what do you do about behaviors that are clearly more serious than the run-of-the-mill fights and defiance? What happens. When Rory broke the doll. it shows that they did not think through the possible consequences of playing cricket in that spot. In contrast to 'being mean'. In order to be mean. Be careful to consider the child's age and maturity. but because he did. if they are angry.CHAPTER 3 . and so the neighbor's greenhouse was smashed? Clearly seven minutes of time-out does not do justice to these situations. That was the whole idea. they hit someone. That is a moral issue. you have to be able to place yourself in the other person's shoes so as to imagine how hurt they will feel when you have done what you plan to do. But it is only with time that they will learn to see things from another's perspective and thus develop moral reasoning. Such behavior is still wrong. and you will need to correct it so that they eventually learn the social rules of acceptable behavior. Pre-schoolers cannot do this. In our society we consider it wrong to be mean. What they do after they break the glass is a moral issue: do they do the right thing and own up to it. That the children smashed the greenhouse was careless. and those that reflect a lack of morals and integrity. or when the behavior has only just happened. he knew that his sister would be upset. C These bigger misdemeanors can be divided into two groups: those that stem from a lack of responsibility.
promise. such as when Kevin breaks the glass. "Oh no! Is that right Kevin?" [It is probably safe to ask this. "What? What is it?" "Quick. [praise and compliment] Come on.] "Yes. since Kevin has come in with the rest of them to report the accident. perhaps for a few weeks until it is paid off. Sometimes you get a combination.. It was an accident. it wasn't very sensible. and contracts. but then compounds his irresponsibility by lying and covering up. In such cases. stealing and lying are others. If they then start whining or badgering you. there needs to be some other punishment to get the message home that these types of behavior are just not acceptable. This type of incident is discussed more fully in Chapter 4-2 on responsibility. Smithers' greenhouse!". Dr. we had better go around to him and apologize. doing what they know is wrong? Rory is one example. Breaking the greenhouse glass has consequences: someone is going to have to repair it. Here is how it might go: "Mom. and it means that we can now try to put it right. Disobedience and Naughtiness But what about kids who are being deliberately mean or naughty. if there are any natural or logical consequences. That was very honest. they should take their course. Kevin's just knocked the cricket ball into Mr. Mom.. Who will pay for that? Probably an appropriate and logical consequence is that the children will have to cough up some of their pocket money for it. [logical consequence]" "Aw. such is life. you would also want to reward them for their honesty. was it? But I am very pleased that you came and told me. quick!". as you will handle the incident in different ways.you really should not have been playing there. Noel Swanson 65 . Bad Morals. Then you will have to pay for it out of your pocket money . But in addition. Mom. if the children immediately came and told you what had happened. Getting into fights. They may also be banned from that location for a period of time. Incidentally.The distinction is important.) Staying out late and losing things are other examples of irresponsibility. they yell as they run into the house. These are probably best managed with logical consequences.all of you. because your were all responsible for playing there. "Well. then you start to count. charting. they chime. What do we do? Old Smithers is going to blow a gasket!" Kevin replies. it will take weeks!" "Well." (End of discussion.
But is this not what you are trying to teach them to do? Do not let your anger lead you into a harsh punishment. You simply remove one or more privileges. You have been warned. this whole program will not work. because that is how life is. Do not let it be you. you will need to be a bit more organized. To change this pattern you need not only to stop the bad behavior. but also to replace it with good behaviors. and they do not prevent you from continuing to reward and compliment all the other good behaviors that are happening. but by talking rationally. The difficulty with disobedience and naughtiness is that they make you. angry. in proportion to the seriousness of the crime. It is no use removing TV privileges if they just turn it on again as soon as you go into the kitchen. you are trying to teach your children that their moods do not excuse their bad behavior. It is not unusual for logical consequences to last quite a while (such as paying for the broken window). Note that such punishments are different to the logical consequences that follow on from irresponsibility. This must be a rare exception. importantly. Dr. If you are cross. Not by shouting. It is better to do that than to be hasty by grounding them for a year. To avoid this. they are examples of out-of-control parents venting their rage on someone who is smaller and weaker than them. the idea is to give a consistent message that 'crime' does not pay (you lose your privileges) and. you might also spell out what privileges they will lose for the specified bad behaviors. Occasionally. then you should say so and express your feelings. On the contract. That is understandable. That is why it is important to get back into reward mode as soon as possible. After all. Let them know that you are very upset and cross about what they did and why it is that you feel so cross.This is where the unearned privileges come in. Yes. This is when many parents resort to spanking. you will probably want to draw up a contract that details how the child can earn some rewards for the good behaviors you are trying to encourage. The goal is not to find the ultimate punishment that will fix things once and for all. If bad behaviors are a regular problem. But such consequences need to be treated in a very matter-of-fact manner. in that you get rewards and compliments. you may need to take some time to cool down before you decide on the appropriate punishment. it is difficult. Make sure that you can enforce your decision. On the positive side. But it must not cloud your judgement about the punishments. Noel Swanson 66 . and life is much more fun. So you need a two-pronged approach. Instead. and then stick to it. so the same rules should apply to you. the behavior is so serious that a punishment will have to last several days. the parent. that behaving properly does pay. but in the vast majority of cases such spankings are not a proper punishment. otherwise you will get stuck in punishment mode. If you concentrate only on stopping bad behaviors and do not work on encouraging good behaviors at the same time.
Both of these systems meet the requirements for a system that is thought out in advance.Alternatively. medium and serious misdemeanors. Then. But it does mean that you will have to set it up first. you can draw up a blanket contract that spells out the punishments for minor. Noel Swanson 67 . Dr. you just decide which group it falls into and dish out the punishment. without resort to parental ranting and raving. when something happens. and can be applied mechanically and unemotionally. You could also give examples of which behaviors fit into which category. That calls for another 'think-ahead' meeting with your partner.
or that her Dad has died (in a freak accident. Noel Swanson 68 . These stories get more and more elaborate with each telling. But you can speak to the teachers to encourage them to simply ignore it and play it down. I want to talk to you!" [Uh-oh. come here a minute. though. that it is the adults that often set children up to lie. until you find out that she is actually the long-lost daughter of a famous pop star and her family kidnapped her when she was a baby. and so it goes on. for as long as she can impress people and get all sorts of concerned attention as a result. Instead. do not have control over the other children in her class.CHAPTER 3 . For instance. he's in trouble] "What?" he says. you may also want to be thinking about the internal factors at play. you can definitely ignore the stories. [he does not want to have this conversation] Dr. "Greg. with attitude. and their impact on others. When a child resorts to fantastic stories just to be noticed or get attention. For instance. you concentrate on the Start tactics outlined in Chapter 4. While doing this. as a parent. It goes like this: Mother has just heard from a reliable source that Greg was throwing stones at a new girl in the neighborhood. a boy has done something and knows he is going to be in trouble.3 Lying here are two reasons why children lie. as old news is boring and does not demand attention. The funny thing is. One is to get attention. T Like any other behavior. In the first case. this is likely to continue for as long as it works – that is. of course). That is why the stories get more extreme: she constantly needs new news to tell. a girl might suddenly announce to her friends that her parents are getting divorced (they are not). They are quite different. children make up fantastic stories about themselves. She is not impressed. the other is to get out of trouble. So does he own up and confess? Or does he try to hide the evidence and deny it? What do you do? Lying usually infuriates adults. At home. Stopping this practice may be difficult. The second case is more straightforward. as they usually end up in RTP mode. it does usually suggest that there is something significantly wrong in her life – either in the present (why is she feeling so insecure and unnoticed?) or in the past (such as the anxious attachment described in Chapter 1). their families and their friends. as you. That is not good. Reward her good behaviors with plenty of one-to-one attention so that she discovers there are better ways to be noticed than by telling whoppers.
and then has cornered him with the lie.] "No. or is there some shadow of doubt? Greg seems to be pretty insistent." "Well it wasn't me. startled that you could think such a thing of him."What have you been up to this afternoon?" [What. so why give them the temptation to lie and try to wriggle out of it? If you want. That means that there must be some definite benefit to be gained by telling the truth and thus incriminating themselves. "Well Mavis says you did. with an innocent. maybe I can get away with this. Version 1: Don't Ask Don't ask If they have been caught red-handed. 'I saw you throw stones at that new girl. Noel Swanson 69 . rather than lying and perhaps getting away with it. and a good reputation. he answers. or ask in a different way. Instead. As you do so talk also about the value of honesty. puzzled. and that it will attract heavier punishments than the crime itself. That is not on! I am very Dr. Most children will lie to get out of trouble. you expect him to confess? He's not going to tell you if you don't know!] "What do you mean? Nothing. do not ask them. Thirdly. so what if it was some other kid? If she lets him off. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth. 'Why did you do that?' But you probably will not get a sensible answer. expression. she's wrong. make it clear that lying will not be tolerated. it was some other kid. It is showdown time. you put into practice the Start tactics: get in the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. If she convicts him. "Did you throw stones at that new girl?" [Hmm. First off. What will Mom do? Is she confident that Mavis is totally reliable." "Well. it wasn't me!" Now he is cornered. Secondly." [Surely she will believe her son before a neighbor!] "She seems pretty sure it was you. not tempt them to lie more. This establishes that honesty is a Good Thing. don't back them into a corner where they are tempted to lie. it will have to be a double punishment: one for lying and one for throwing stones. she will have to apologize for doubting him. you can ask." he says.". and that it gets rewarded. 'Did you do it?' You already know they did it. Mom has successfully tempted him to lie to wriggle out of it. either do not ask at all. Better just to get straight to the punishment. This is what I suggest. and there is no doubt whatsoever that they did it.
you lie. you might say. 'You must have been pretty angry with that girl to make you want to throw stones at her.' Dr. you tell the truth. I am going to have to suspend all privileges for the rest of the week. I've just had a very disturbing phone call from Mavis about something she saw this afternoon. you are in big trouble. Noel Swanson 70 . Then we can talk about it and see if we can sort out the feelings that you were having at the time. Hopefully. Version 2: Ask for the Truth Ask for the truth 'Greg.' At the same time. And remember. I want you to go away and think about it for fifteen minutes. I would like to know what happened. Remember. you get a minor punishment for the misdeed. not acted out with antisocial behavior. during this time he will decide that honesty is the best policy. After the punishment.disappointed in you. she is not putting him on the spot. then it's the high jump: 'Greg. you can acknowledge the feelings that motivated the behavior. once things have calmed down. I am disappointed in you. you can either vacuum downstairs. for example. we value honesty in this household. or you can go to your room for the rest of the evening. But she has also made it clear that the usual rules about honesty apply. If he still decides to lie about it. where the first reaction might be to lie. Why are you lying about this? As it is. but feelings need to be talked through or dealt with appropriately.' Mom has made it quite clear that she knows something and is not impressed by it. But before you tell me. As a punishment. She is also acknowledging Greg's feelings and giving him an opportunity to talk about them and to learn the right way to deal with them. By giving Greg fifteen minutes to think about it.' This may then open up a very useful conversation about the feelings and frustrations that he has and has not known how to deal with. it is OK to have feelings. and you get praise for your honesty.
but rather on promoting the opposite. But maybe the other times more than make up for that. It is only when the moral understanding that it is wrong develops that it can be called stealing. attention or money. But those who do. we do have to consider the child's developmental age.he does not know it is wrong and so does not know he should be hiding what he did. Noel Swanson 71 . your main emphasis needs to be on promoting honesty. of course. not as a lecture. as we learned in Part I. or just because it is exciting. Once again. as they did it. The second difficulty is that if the stealing provides them with attention or excitement. like lying. it is probably at the top of your list of behaviors that you want to stop. or to get back at their parents. He can take things that are not his. Children steal for a variety reasons. for sure. which is honesty. All that you have done is add in the gamble factor. This understanding is most easily seen by the need to cover up the deed. and so does it secretly. As with lying. never do it again.CHAPTER 3 . but because of the lack of moral development this is not stealing. the stolen goods (often of little financial value) replace the love and affection of which they have been deprived. or to get the things they want. again the word stealing is probably unnecessary and unhelpful. it is better managed not by focusing on stopping it. Similarly. To label it as such just inflames the situation. a child of two or three cannot steal. Dr. that it was wrong. Some steal for comfort. If it is happening in your family. For them. Yet. then he is just a thief taking a break (or in jail). Stealing ranks right up there with lying as a sure way to get a parent's blood to boil. then you making a fuss about it may actually end up in rewarding the habit! True. Probably as many as one in four children have deliberately stolen something at some time. The infant does not cover it up . Often it is just some sweets from a shop. a child of three or four is only gradually learning that he is not supposed to take what belongs to others. but as a discussion when the occasion presents. So how do you stop it? The first problem is that you cannot catch them every time. This makes it hard to eliminate the rewards that they get out of the stealing. do so for one reason: it works. A thief is no longer a thief when he becomes honest. the stealing provides it for them. Whatever their core need. That means you talk about it as a family. any attention is better than none. So they get caught sometimes.4 Stealing W hen is a thief not a thief? When he stops stealing? No. As with lying and "being mean". Most. Others steal to impress a group of friends. but they knew. your attention might be rather negative but. The eight year old knows very well it is wrong.
and giving him the stolen goods plus compensation. not just to stop stealing. This means putting it right. Zaccheus became an honest man that day. but even to pay back everyone he had cheated four fold. or wants replacements. Zaccheus. What do you do when you find a wallet in the street? Or when you are given too much change in a shop? Or when a workman offers to do the job for cash. Then you can reward and praise the little acts of honesty that you see. Taking the stolen property back is his opportunity to do the right thing. still to be enjoyed. Then maybe he will have to sell (perhaps to his parents) some of his own possessions to raise the money to put it right. for the parents or neighbors). is still the best policy.Use everyday events such as items on the television. In that case you have no alternative but to impose an even higher penalty. If you take that route. all of this promotes a culture of honesty in the home. Dr. the child should do this himself. He may refuse to do this. Make sure that you get rid of the stuff so that it is not around in the house. If at all possible. At the same time. Alternatively. climbed a tree so as to see Jesus as he passed by through the crowds. do not compound the situation by cornering them into a lie. It is the principle of restitution. This will not be an enjoyable experience. Zaccheus gives us a clue here. Not just paying back what was stolen. but to catch them being good. Truly. The message must always be that doing the honest thing. meeting the manager. then perhaps he can do some "community service" for the person he cheated (or. Zaccheus was so overcome by his guilt that he resolved. and may even act as a reward for them. Jesus spotted him. with no tax? Your children will be watching you. probably with your accompaniment. you model it yourself. If he really has no money left. As with the lying. For example. Suddenly. he could take the stuff to the police station. make sure the things he sells do go permanently and do not reappear a few days later. Then you watch your children. and learning. he will have to earn the money and buy them. If he wants them back. then you will simply have to confiscate the goods and fine him the extra. confessing the crime. but also paying compensation for the inconvenience and disrespect caused by the theft. After that. What is an appropriate response to stealing? In the Bible there is a delightful account about Zaccheus. who was only short. as a substitute. going back to the shop. even if it is after the event. try to deal with it by making restitution someway or other. if it was taken from a stranger. Noel Swanson 72 . you can still be looking for opportunities to praise him for when he is getting it right. Secondly. But what happens when they do get caught? The first thing is to stay calm. and nothing to sell. for example. you need to do something. If that is impossible. Losing your temper will not help. a corrupt tax collector. or stories from school as a starting point for discussing the family's morals. Not to catch them out. If at all possible. Even while all this is going on. and invited himself to his house. In some instances the child has already disposed of the goods and spent the proceeds.
Dr. once it is over. get over it. If stealing is a persistent problem.If at all possible. you will need to draw up a contract on it. You may also need to lock your doors and drawers so that you do not put temptation his way. and grounding will probably not reform your own little angel. try to avoid a long grounding sentence. not your child. It is the stealing that is the enemy. and work hard at reinforcing honesty. Noel Swanson 73 . Finally. Back into reward mode. Jail does not reform hardened criminals.
Noel Swanson 75 . generous Smallish tasks that you usually have to nag them to complete Being responsible for possession. getting to school.CHAPTER 4 . Motivator Praise and Compliments Make it a Game Natural consequences Logical consequences See Page: 94 91 79 80 Dr. money. homework. and Start rewarding the good behavior. helpful.1 Seven Strategies J 1. so you will want to reward their honesty. friendly. and also punish their dishonesty. it works like this: Behavior Being pleasant. 2. honesty is the opposite of lying and stealing. the principles for changing behaviors are: Stop rewarding the bad behavior. For example. ust to remind you. Which do you use for which behaviors? As a general rule. you may also want to combine them with some of the 'Stop' tactics. etc. Since the good behavior is often the opposite of a bad behavior. Each is particularly suited to certain types of behavior. There are seven tactics for encouraging good behaviors. These are the seven: Praise and Compliments Make it a Game Natural Consequences Logical Consequences Charts and other Contracts Payment 1-2-3-Magic Each of these have their place. but they can also be used in various combinations.
you will want to move on to the more informal and enjoyable ones. as you will need to begin with these to get you out of punishment mode. I have started with the more formal ones. These will get you well established on the reward-mode upward spiral. e. Dr. homework.g. Noel Swanson 76 . getting to bed on time. honesty Doing a larger task when asked. Once things are running a bit more smoothly. e. walking the dog Obedience . Integrity. household chores. and will help to promote longer-term good behaviors and a happy home atmosphere. and to get some good routines going in your home.Behavior Taking care of regular tasks.g.getting some small task (less than 2-minutes) done right now. washing the car Motivator Charting See Page: 82 Make it a Game 1-2-3-Magic Praise and Compliments Contracts Payment 91 51 94 88 90 In the following sections these tactics are discussed in detail.
If she does not learn to keep her room tidy. You can tidy it up yourself. It offends your tidy nature. the only way that she will do it for you is if you pay her in some way. Noel Swanson 77 . this is really quite reasonable. we already know that we cannot make anyone do anything. You can try to persuade someone else to do it for you. Because you hate the mess. but it is you who gets irritated by the mess. You can leave the room a mess (perhaps with the door shut?). 2. it would be much more honest to try it like this: Dr. 2. If she does not learn to be responsible. Instead of the power struggle. you have three options: 1. Jody may not realize this yet. you worry about this.2 Responsibility "Jody. you are likely to end up in a classic power struggle. It is important to distinguish between these two concerns. she will have problems as she grows up. Now. and since Jody is not motivated to tidy her room herself. If you do not. and is an embarrassment when visitors come around. Jody may be the one that gets shouted at. 3. You cannot stand the sight of the messy room. Your irritation is your problem.CHAPTER 4 . Before you know it. getting the room tidy becomes more important to you than to Jody. you are back to trying to get Jody to solve your problems for you. Can you give her one reason why she should? If the mess is really so irritating to you. your room is a mess!" Jody's messy room presents us with two concerns: 1. but her lack of responsibility is her problem. She needs to learn to be responsible about her possessions. not her. things will get lost or trodden on. As a caring parent. Since you are wanting someone else to fix your problem for you.
your children will assume these responsibilities. But. When your children were babies. not Jody's. When they turn eighteen. it would make sense to gradually prepare them for the fact. How do they learn to act responsibly? Responsibility is learned by having responsibility. or lack of them. keeping the house clean so you do not get rats and mice. I know you are happy with how your room is at the moment. You may not like the choices she makes. Of course. but we do have some visitors coming round. cleaned. your child will be responsible for her actions. Dr. When they grow up. hopefully you will not be taking any responsibility for them – it will be up to them to make sure that they are fed. To teach that. no one else will. clean and safe. that she would look after her money better. As we saw in Chapter 1. and it will be down to her to live with the consequences if she doesn't. Also. If someone else kept stepping in to bail you out. we are constantly faced with responsibilities: providing food for the family so you don't starve. she will be faced with all these tasks. and that she is making a withdrawal from Jody's emotional bank account by asking her for a favor. it is about something that we do not really want to do. The same is absolutely true for your children. but the consequences of not doing it are worse than the hassle of doing it. Noel Swanson 78 . What is Responsibility? Responsibility is about having a choice and living with the consequences. you would never learn to do it for yourself. it will be up to her if she does them or not. getting the car serviced so it does not break down. that their bills are paid. Mom acknowledges that it is her problem. The only reason you do these things is because if you don't. in the end. I would be very embarrassed if they saw your room like that. Your child still has the responsibilities. so would you do me a favor and tidy it up?' In this instance. Note this carefully: as an adult. It will also be up to them to make sure that their belongings are safe. and all the other things that adults need to attend to. Jody will not learn anything about responsibility from this occasion. paying the taxes so you don't go to jail.'Jody. That is to say. As we have already seen. Almost always. even if she behaves irresponsibly towards them. this ends up as being a much smaller withdrawal than it would be if Mom forced her to do it. Since that is the case. that they get to work on time. clothed and safe. we have to go about things a different way. you took full responsibility for them: it was up to you to make sure they were fed. it is none of your business! That is the essence of responsibility. and so on. it would be nice if they could learn to act sensibly and not foolishly with regard to them. You may wish that she would take better care of her things.
people will be kind and generous to me. of course. 2. his responsibility. have to spend weeks in bed. You could keep on telling her 'no'. Natural Consequences If you leave your bicycle outside instead of putting it away. he is probably old enough to decide for himself. but will he or won't he?' Otherwise. your bike will stop working. There is. and so will miss out on having fun. Often. and guess what? No more bicycle! Neglecting the care of your bicycle can lead to unfavorable consequences. being unpleasant. It is because these consequences happen that you hope your children will grow up to be sensibly responsible. It then becomes his choice. That is the whole point about responsibilities. We talked about this when we looked at power struggles: it is much better to let the child get cold than to have a big fight about putting a coat on. they won't like me. how the world works. This is the time to let them sink or swim. one vital proviso in this: the child must be capable of doing it. Responsibility is not a question of 'Can he or can't he?' but of 'He can. That is. If they fail in the task. Hopefully. Another example is letting the infant touch the hot kettle. if I am kind and generous. they will last longer. you have no more bicycle! It may get rained upon and go rusty. may act as punishments in that they may well teach you to stop that particular behavior and replace it with another one – such as looking after your bike properly. It may get stolen. Or he will decide to put up with being cold in order to look cool. What does this mean? It means gradually giving your children more and more responsibilities – and then stepping out of the picture. If that happens. next time they will choose to do it properly. If I look after my belongings. Noel Swanson 79 . you are setting them up for failure. and so on. What happens if they make the wrong choice? Then there will be consequences. If that happens often enough. do not step in to help them out. I will get hurt. it is wise to simply let your children experience the natural consequences for themselves. It is the only way that they will learn that it really is their responsibility. but simply because that is how the world is. They occur not because Mom or Dad is being mean. These natural consequences. If I run out into the road. and I will save money by not having to replace them. Many of our behaviors have natural consequences: if I am rude to people. and Dr. people won't trust me. These consequences are entirely natural. he will learn to avoid getting cold by putting his coat on. Once he is old enough to argue about it. let them fail. if I tell lies. one of two things may happen: 1. With time.There is no other way. after all.
as the parent. is to wisely choose which knocks the child can learn from at this time. the key to this is that Mom and Dad really do not care if you have your bicycle or not. In fact. It is not easy deciding at what age you can give children various responsibilities. What we do is to apply artificially (i. it is often difficult to learn from them. so that they can learn for themselves. Noel Swanson 80 . we have to give nature a bit of a hand. as a general rule. However. Do not be overprotective – let them go a bit. with them. it probably means that it is time to find a way to release them into that responsibility. being natural. Logical consequences can also be rewards. Therefore the logical consequence for leaving your bike outside is that you lose it – only this time it is because Mom and Dad have locked it up for a day or two. calm and pleasant. For example. Your child will make many mistakes. they discover that people respond well to them. On some of these you will simply want to step back and let the consequences follow. and is therefore a more fitting and effective punishment. you will start to be a bit more diligent in putting it away! As you can see. and so their good behavior is quickly rewarded. if you are getting into repeated power struggles and conflict over an issue. Logical Consequences The problem is that the natural consequences may not happen all the time and are often unpredictable. and what is more. So. In other words. losing TV privileges or being sent to bed early.you could move the kettle out of the way. it is a logical consequence. or leave it in the driveway. You can have it back on Friday. and which ones are simply too difficult or too dangerous for now. this consequence is much more logical. or delayed. After this happens a few times. than. You can decide for yourself to either put it away. In general. by our own intervention) a consequence that in some way mimics the natural consequence. but if you leave it out again then you will lose it again. You do not give a four-year-old a blow torch so that he can learn from the experience of burning the house down. Mom and Dad will not yell or nag at you! What a relief for you all. Once again.e. The first few times you leave your bike out. it will take many weeks of rain before the bicycle seizes up with rust. For example. using the earning of privileges as a motivator is actually using logical consequences. it does not rain. Indeed. This is called 'learning by experience in the School of Hard Knocks'! Your job. Allowing natural consequences to take their place is the first tactic for teaching responsibility. if you pull your weight and chip in. the natural consequence of leaving your bike outside is that you lose the use of it. It is entirely up to you. and the thief does not pass by. if you scratch my back. But at some point she has to find out for herself what happens when you touch something that is hot. for example. The children with an easy temperament have it somewhat easier as they start off on the right footing. helping out with the chores and Dr. I'll scratch yours. When the natural consequences are infrequent. Other children find it a bit harder.
When things are not going so smoothly. By doing this. One way to do this is by using a system of charting. If you sit back and let everyone else do all the work. then after a while they will stop including you in the privileges and benefits. and would normally be part of the informal checks and balances of the home.responsibilities of this place (whether home. office or social club) then you will get to benefit from it. You will then spell out exactly what you mean by 'shaping up and helping out' and you will also spell out exactly what benefits they will enjoy as a result of pulling their weight. you make a much clearer connection between the 'helping out' and the 'benefitting'. then it may be time to use some artificial consequences. Noel Swanson 81 . as they will view you as someone who is 'sponging' off them. Dr. This is part of the natural balance of life.
5. It takes a bit of time to set up. but once you have done so. Once it is up on the chart. they get a reward. For each item. Note that the daily rewards do not have to cost any 2. involve the children in putting it all together. Or not.CHAPTER 4 . water and a bed. 'Richard. I suggest that you choose four: three that can be earned daily. For example. On page 128 you will find a sample template that you can use. Noel Swanson 82 . Below. If they do them. Dr. The children like it too.3 Charting harting is used to establish regular routines of good behavior. Do a separate chart for each child and. then they miss out. and one weekly bonus (see page 124 for suggestions). The rest have to be earned. Make a list of all the daily tasks. awful day. which therefore makes it their responsibility. This is for two reasons: first. 3. depending on how important it is. Decide on their basic rights. it is then up to them whether they do it or not. I have also put a real-life example to which you can refer. as the case may be. but remember. then they get it whatever happens. get down here and do the dishes!' It means sitting down. That means no shouting. Decide what rewards and privileges they can earn based on their points. it makes life a lot easier. Mom and Dad do much less shouting. reading your paper and letting them get on with it. chores and responsibilities that you want them to be doing. it puts them back in control of their own lives. C This is the deal: you define what jobs they should be doing. define exactly what you mean by it and by what time it must be done. Do they include such things as TV and computer games? That is up to you. what exactly does 'tidy bedroom' mean? Give each responsibility a points value of between one and four. They have the choice. just because you are kind and love them. Their basic rights are what they get if they have a totally rotten. Some of these you will probably give them anyway. Make sure that they are all well within the capabilities of each child. and second. 4. Here is how: 1. if you can. if it is on the list of basic rights. This is the tricky part. Once you have decided on the rights. They include such things as food. Now cut the list down to a maximum of eight that you want to work on at this time. all the rest are privileges. If they do not. Your part of the deal is to be quiet.
It is useful to have a few of these up your sleeve for taking away if they have been exceptionally bad (see Chapter 3-2. Ben! Now he gets all three rewards. Ben missed the first target on the first day. it needs to be fairly easy for them to get the first reward. as that gives them the evening in which to enjoy privileges. you then set the other two. and everyone can be feeling good and passing around lots of praise and compliments. sit back. The next two days he did a bit better and got his chocolate mousse. they will just give up and not bother. Often supper time is best. 8. Decide on the weekly bonus.money. Decide at what time you will check the chart and award the privileges. The goal here is to encourage them. This helps you to reward sustained effort. Take a close look at the points that they could earn. Noel Swanson 83 . It is no use making 'go to swimming lesson' a reward unless you are genuinely prepared to not send them if they do not earn the points. on 'More Serious "Crimes"'). Then on Tuesday. Set the targets. Having set the first target. Dr. so he went without. How many points would they have earned? Perhaps you figure on about eight. 9. make sure that you are able to enforce the withdrawal of a privilege if they do not earn it. In the example shown. Now take a guess at how many points your children would actually earn on a typical day at present. In the example below. That makes them feel good. that should become your first target. In fact. You will see on the chart that the first few responsibilities were actually done yesterday evening and the points earned carried forward for today's rewards. If they don't earn it. and it encourages them to try a bit harder in order to earn the higher rewards. and see what happens. by seven. Tough day. they don't get it. My recommendation for this is that you multiply your middle reward (in this case eleven). it is probably better if they do not. This should be at the same time each day. Also. Take today as an example. not frustrate them. Ben could earn up to fourteen. Any points earned after this time count towards tomorrow's total. Why so low? Because you want to make it easy for them to succeed. stick it up on the fridge. 7. Explain the deal to the children. If you make it too difficult. Whatever the number. Since you want to be in reward mode. Be careful what you choose. Essentially what you are saying is that they can earn the weekly bonus if they can maintain a B-average for the week. 6. Well done. Those that you do not use for the chart are 'unearned privileges'. there was a dramatic improvement. so do not set impossible targets. and also helps to avoid the Sudden Death syndrome (page 60).
No exceptions. If they have earned it. Dr. shoes and coat on. they get it. Your job is to sit back and let them make their own decisions. This is how it is. Needed 8 11 13 Fun City Notes and Definitions 77 One point each for Reading and Spelling One point docked for each time out of bed Ready for school means hair and teeth done. and school bag packed. None. Remember the Rules: 1. No nagging. 2. It is their choice to do the chores and earn the points. or equally to not do them and not earn the points. Noel Swanson 84 . shouting or arguing.The Deal Responsibility Benjamin Pts 2 1 2 3 2 1 1 2 14 1 2 7 1 8 2 1 1 Sat Sun 1 1 1 2 1 1 M on Tues W ed 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 9 1 1 2 3 2 1 1 2 13 2 1 2 3 2 1 1 2 14 Thu 2 1 2 3 2 1 1 2 14 1 2 13 78 Fri 2 1 2 3 2 Total Last night: Reading & Spelling Clear table in 10 minutes Go to bed without fuss Stay in bed without fuss Today: Get dressed in morning Bathroom stuff Ready for school by 8:15 Good day in school Daily Totals: Rewards chocolate mousse for dessert Extra 20 min story time or tape story or Game Boy 1/2 hour computer or TV time and 1/4 hour later bedtime Pts. If they have not earned it they do not get it.
The next day. we don't have to do these if we don't want to?' To which you reply. they will whine and complain. Dishes still on the table. 'This is great! No more chores!' Now comes the test for you. and silent (you would not fall into the trap of trying to argue or reason with them. will stand firm. 'Don't forget to clear the table if you want your points'. You are asking them to do something that they do not want to do. They will then say. like arguing. On the first few days you can calmly remind Lucy. Lucy wants to watch her favorite program on TV. After the first week. Praise and compliments all round. would you?). and she has half an hour in which to do it. whining. and watch the news. then. Dr. Lucy. of course.So what happens? First. do not even say that. At 6.m. they always used to work.' Either way. And it is much more peaceful not having to nag her all the time. You. It is 6 o'clock. and you do the clearing up instead. at which point you say: 'That's one. You have just finished supper. and stomp off to her room. Eventually.30 p. Lucy does not get her points. go into the living room.' They then scamper off. get down here and clear the table!' Lucy. You just get up. The dishes are still on the table. she does not get the TV. the table starts getting cleared. You are quite happy for her to go without TV. The Deal says that it is Lucy's job to clear the table. shouting. without being asked. The next day it is the same story. 'Fine. well. having tried all the other tactics. Lucy realizes that the only way to get to watch the TV is to earn her points. Oh. You stand firm and silent. They will probably try all their old tactics for getting what they want. Suddenly. I don't care'. 'You mean. You do not shout up the stairs. Or she may make a scene and have a temper tantrum. and are also happy to clear up – after all. After all. and you are threatening them with the removal of what you see as privileges but they see as rights (like the television). you don't have enough points for TV today. Lucy earns her TV. and so on. 'That's right! It is entirely up to you. 'Lucy. meanwhile. she was not doing it before you started the chart. Noel Swanson 85 . sulking. decides that she would rather read her comics than clear the table. We now enter the waiting game. 'Sorry. The trouble is that she does not have enough points. muttering. She may well say. you pop your head around the door. Lucy gambles that eventually you will give up this ridiculous system and give her the TV privilege without her doing the job.' At this point she will probably try one of the old tactics to get you to give in.
Common Questions
What about weekends? What about weekends? Weekends often have a different routine to weekdays, so you may want to use two charts. Or just use one chart, defining some tasks as weekend tasks and some as weekday tasks. Make sure that the totals still add up, though, so that they can still earn all the privileges whether it is a Sunday or a Tuesday. Why isn't it working? By this, people usually mean that the child is choosing not to do the tasks. First, make sure you are following the rules: no talking or showing emotion, and make sure they get what they earn and don't get what they don't earn. This means you will have to choose rewards that you are effectively able to enforce. It may mean taking the plug off the TV for a while. If you are doing all this, then the system is working. It is just that the child is choosing to not work and not get paid, rather than to work and get paid. That is allowed; it is his choice. There are four reasons why this might be happening: 1. You have not been operating the Deal for long enough. You are still being tested to see if you really mean business with this new idea of yours. Give it about two weeks before you get worried. The targets are too high or the tasks too difficult, so the child just gives up (see also page 46 on setting expectations). Set easier tasks, or lower the points needed for a reward. You have picked the wrong rewards. The child is genuinely not interested in the treats you have offered. Either that, or they are just not good enough to be worth all the work involved, especially if the tasks are big, like cleaning their room. It is worth sitting down with the children and asking them what rewards they would like to earn. It is surprising how often they will co-operate with this, and then you have a reasonable chance of offering something that they do care about. The Deal is fine. The problem is that there are other modifiers at work, undermining the incentives. This is the time to check things out more carefully: are there problems at school, like bullying? Is she worried about her SATS? Have another look at Chapter 1.
It worked at first, but now it doesn't Most likely, you are no longer keeping your part of the bargain. Check the two basic rules again.
Dr. Noel Swanson
How long do we do keep this up for? You do not want to be charting for the rest of your life. The idea is to establish some routine, and then to get back to the normal informal checks and balances of living together. It usually takes a couple of weeks for the charts to kick in. Ideally, you want to have it running smoothly for a few weeks, and then you will probably want to stop it. It depends how bad it was to start with and how well you are doing with all the other tactics described in this manual. Do not just drift out of it by getting slack on the rules. Either do it properly, or stop it altogether. My suggestion is that you discuss the termination with your children. See what they think. They may want to continue with it, as they like the praise and compliments they have been getting, and they are delighted that you have stopped nagging. They will want some assurance that those aspects will continue!
Variations on Charting
The Star Chart You have probably used this with your children when they were young. It is in principle the same as The Deal, but with the following differences. 1. 2. It is used with a smaller number of target behaviors – often only one, such as 'had a dry night'. It uses stars instead of points. Instead of awarding the privileges each day, the rewards are handed out whenever a certain number of stars have been reached. You start with a small number (maybe even one) and then gradually build up to needing more in order to get the rewards.
There are two ways to do it. One way is to require all the stars to be in a row – for example, three dry nights in a row. This is fine if it is only a small number, such as three or four. If it is too many – as in the diagram, where six stars in a row are needed to earn a reward – then you risk Sudden Death: they have a long string of stars, only to fail on the last one, and so get no reward at all.
Star Chart, Type 1
M T W T Made the bed
need 6 in a row
i i
i i i i i
i i i i i i
Start again Made it!
Sudden death; no reward 8
The other way is to reward the child whether or not there are gaps in between. If you manage it without gaps, you get your rewards more frequently. If you fail sometimes, don't get discouraged; you will still get rewarded for your successes, it will just take a Dr. Noel Swanson 87
little longer. But at least it avoids the Sudden Death Syndrome. One variation of this is to have a picture, for example, of a clown juggling some balls. When each ball has a star in it, then you get your reward.
Star Chart, Type 2
M T W T Made the bed
need 6
i i
i i i i i
i i
i i
Progressive Privileges
This is like a combination of the Deal and the Star Chart, type 1. The idea of this is to encourage consistency, once they are doing well, whilst still targeting a number of behaviors. The set-up is identical to the Deal. This time, when they score the first-level reward, stick a red star onto the chart (get them from a stationer's). If they earn the middle reward, give them a green star. If they earn the top reward, give them a blue star. All in addition to the rewards, of course. Now comes the fun. If they earn, say, seven blue stars in a row, then instead of blue stars you stick on a gold star. This means that they get an even higher (fourth) level of privileges. For as long as they keep earning a blue star, without a break, keep giving them a gold one. But if one day they drop down below a blue, then it is back to the start. They will have to earn another seven blue stars in a row, before they can climb back onto the gold level. As you can see, once they are getting gold stars, there is a good incentive not to drop back down again.
Charting is used for establishing regular daily activities. If the target behavior is less frequent (such as weekly) or irregular, you may want to draw up a specific contract. Washing the car is one example. Cleaning their bedroom at the weekend is another. Contracts are very simple. You simply write out on paper what the required behavior is, what will happen if the children do it and what will happen if they do not do it. Since you will usually be looking at larger or more complex tasks, you will want to spell out just what is or is not acceptable. What, for example, counts as a tidy room? Toys put away, or just thrown in a box, or under the bed? Bed made? Carpet vacuumed? Obviously, your expectations will depend on the age and abilities of the child. But you must specify what you mean at the beginning, otherwise you will have these kinds of conversations: 'Mom, I'm done!'
Dr. Noel Swanson
'Let me see . . . Well, what is all this stuff doing under the bed?' 'Well, it's out of sight, isn't it?' 'Not good enough.' 'What do you mean, 'not good enough'? The contract just says neat and tidy. Well, it is.' 'No it's not. Now finish the job!' 'Why should I? I did what it said. I'm out of here, and you owe me.' Clearly these two have a different understanding of what 'neat and tidy' means. As with charting, once you have drawn up the contract, you must stick to your end of it. The same rules apply.
Pocket Money
There are two types of pocket money: that which is earned, and that which is an unearned privilege. The two can be added together so that the weekly sum is partly earned and partly unearned. The unearned pocket money is what you chose to give them because you feel they ought to have some money of their own. Since it is unearned, you are free to dock it if they have committed some crime. The earned money is of course dependent on them doing their chores, whatever they may be. If they fail to do them, then they lose out on the allowance. So this is another type of contract. It also means the same rules apply: if they earn it they get it, if they do not earn it they do not get it, and you keep quiet – no nagging and no shouting. This can lead to some interesting outcomes on payday, depending on how the week has gone. Suppose that Ann gets $5 a week – half unearned, and the other half earned. This is what may happen: 1. 2. Great week, chores done, good behavior. Ann gets the full $5. Not so good. Chores done, but deliberately broke her sister's toy: Gets $2.50 for her chores (she earned it so you cannot remove it), but no more, as she needs to pay back her sister. Average behavior, but only did some of the chores. Ann gets $2.50 unearned, and $1.25 for the chores she did do (in accordance with the agreed contract). What a disaster. Really obnoxious behavior to a visitor, and only did half the chores: $1 earned, but you feel that she really does not deserve any of the unearned pocket money. But still you stay calm. And remember, tomorrow is a new day and a new week.
3. 4.
Dr. Noel Swanson
you are going to have to pay for it. yet require quite a bit of work and effort to undertake. In either case. A special visit to Auntie May's might be one such example: you do not want to be embarrassed by the children playing up. although they should be reasonably helpful and co-operative about the home. you will earn respect. It is also quite clearly for your benefit. There are two ways you can do this. you cannot ask for too many favors. If you want these big jobs done. not the children's. The distinction here is between the ordinary helping-out at home. Dr. Your children are not your slaves. nor is it on a chart or in a contract. or relevance to. children. If you show respect. The same rules apply. T Payments are a normal and appropriate way to deal with these situations. and unusual or large jobs. The former are part of the informal give and take of life and will increasingly start to happen as you practice your praise and compliments. You cannot then confiscate it because afterwards they got into a fight.4 Payment here are times when you would really like your children to do something for you. or you can pay them. Noel Swanson 90 . and all your good work will be undermined. like helping to carry in the shopping. Obviously. The latter might include jobs such as clearing out the garage or garden shed. They do not have to attend to your every whim and fancy. or you will go into overdraft again. Offering to pay someone for a job is essentially a one-off contract. It is not a regular responsibility. in which case you are making a withdrawal from your emotional account.CHAPTER 4 . you are respecting their individual identity by giving them the option to say no. so this will benefit you in the long run. either with money or with a special treat or privilege. You can either ask for a favor. so you secure their good behavior with the offer of a payment. Once they earn it they get it. moving the furniture out of the living room so that you can redecorate. These are all 'grown-up' jobs that have little interest for. washing the car and mowing the lawn.
. pyjama time. to play a game.' Dad starts counting at about three-second intervals. Set a reasonable target that he can achieve. . What then? This is not the time for time-out or other punishments. against Mom or Dad.5 Make it a Game! L ife does not have to be boring and serious all the time. 'OK. In this case you replace it with comedy mode. So what happens then? You tickle him so hard he begs for mercy! Or you hold him upside down by his ankles and pretend to smack his bottom. quick. Ben. The goal here is to have fun. But it should still be fun.' Dad replies. What happens if the child fails? First of all. It is much less stressful than ranting and raving! The most common way to do this is to set up a competition or race. . But you cannot let him win every time or he will start to manipulate you. then you might alternatively use Charting. before the giant gets you! One . four . either against the clock. in fact. . If you are counting. . vary the speed of your counting so that he achieves success just before you reach your goal. It makes him feel good.' Dr. against brother or sister (take care with that one – we do not want to provoke a fight). Quickly. Sometimes when you play a game you lose. 'Fifteen. The same applies here. 'two . One of the goals is to start having FUN again. It depends how serious the problem is. putting their clothes away. that produces lots of giggles.' 'Aaaagh. Once again it is the emotion that counts: with charting you replace RTP mode with neutral. putting their socks on. Noel Swanson 91 . Anything. the giant's coming. . Here are some examples: Making it a Game 1: race against the count.CHAPTER 4 . The make-it-a-game tactic is used for short behaviors that you used to nag them to do: getting ready for bed.' 'What are you counting to?'asks Ben. or even against an imaginary child across the other side of town. let's apply that to getting good behavior started. So occasionally he fails to get done on time. 'Three . . . you try to not let him fail. If they are regular tasks. remember? Well. Or you can use this tactic for the less important behaviors that did not fit on the chart.
. or a hairy monster. 'Come on.' 'How do you know?' 'Ah. she may well need a bit of a hand getting dressed. that is: 'She's just putting her shirt on. . now she is getting her bottoms off! Quickly .' It's neck and neck.' Since Trina is young. remember. . Tell you what. 'Help!' the children scream. let's see if we can beat her! . let's read a story now. which is much better than you against Trina.' Mom says. Where are your socks? Quick. . She is just taking her top off. I've got magic powers. not trying to put people down and make them feel bad. . Cathy always seems to be just ahead. Fum! Twelve. by doing this you join in with the game as well. now it's over her h–' Dr. time to get up and dressed. You pretend that you have magic powers. Fi. . Trina. Oh. you know. You then make a race out of who will finish first. and you can see some other child (perhaps one of your child's friends) doing the same task in her own house. . Noel Swanson 92 . but definitely not stupid. He almost got you then. 'left arm . We are having fun. that was close. 'Oh. . Fee. Fourteen . Strangely. Well done. or indeed anything that might be a sensitive subject for your particular child. left . This way it is you and her together against Cathy. Hope you are all ready – he's on his way!' Dad starts to slowly pound up the stairs. Here. I can see her. eleven. . now she's pulling on her socks . last one to get her coat on gets tickled!' Or is a banana. 'Phew. . I smell the blood of an Englishman. Fo. . boys! Right. . Until the end. .' As Trina gets her clothes on. 'Right arm . . 'OK.Squeals of delight as the children rush up stairs. . Also. . I'll give you a hand. . Fift–' 'Stop! I'm done! I'm done!' they both cry out. 'Thirteen . 'Ten . just as Trina is about to get her shirt on. Cathy is already out of bed. Making it a Game 3: Race against the neighbor This works well with younger children. . you give a commentary on how Cathy is doing.' Making it a Game 2: Race against each other This is the same game that children often play amongst themselves.
Trina has had your undivided attention. you have had fun. 'Hey! You beat her! Well done!' The task is done. Noel Swanson 93 .'Done!' shouts Trina with delight. What more could you ask for? Dr. you have spent quality time together.
Then every time you look at your watch. before you forget. 'That's a good idea'. But you do not want to stay in neutral. let it be this section. Therefore. Tell your partner. Don't just sit there nodding.6 Praise and Compliments have put this at the end of this section because people tend to remember the end of a book more than the beginning. Much better to say. It would be a bit like going to work at a job you do not enjoy. we (men especially) use our sarcastic humor to make an insult serve as a compliment. Hopefully. See how many kind things you can say this week. You want the children to be happy. I The charts. and the other Start tactics all work well and will help you to get your house in order. Noel Swanson 94 . who chose the shirt. even your boss. for example. you fat old pig?' translates into 'You are looking well!' Perhaps we are afraid that we would seem too forward or too emotional if we said what we meant straight out. 'You Dr. your colleagues at work. something that is under their control. Work hard at it for a week and see what happens. Instead. your friends. They will certainly help you to cut down on your shouting and nagging and the children's arguing and non-compliance. Most young children. but you really would rather be somewhere else. How do you pay a genuine compliment? First. 'How you doing.CHAPTER 4 . if you say. 'Nice shirt!' you are actually complimenting the girl's mother. You know you have to do it because you need the money. to gain in self-esteem and confidence. Put the manual down and go and do it now. and this is important. Be careful with this one – it is easy to get it wrong. Now is the time to redouble your efforts. you will be reminded to pay a compliment to someone. but on what they have done. If there is only one thing that you remember from this manual. Do not restrict yourself just to the children. find something genuinely good about someone – something that is based not on what they are. they will not make a happy home. I suggest that you put one of your star stickers on the face of your watch. and to be a pleasure to have around. The charts help to get you out of punishment mode. rather than the child. They don't get it. They seem to have somewhat gone out of fashion these days. you want to start having fun together as a family. contracts. you have been practicing with some of the sample compliments on page 41. do not buy their own clothes. This is where the good old-fashioned praises and compliments come in. But you cannot do that with children. But in themselves.
or that you were given a pay rise at work. and I enjoyed your company.' Even a plain girl can earn that compliment. Or maybe you just want to celebrate the fact that you are a family together. After a while you may even start receiving some compliments yourself from friends and neighbors: 'My. You saved me some time.' Dr. as she could have chosen to put on the scruffy sweatshirt that is covered in grass stains. after all. rather than privileges. team. in time. 'This month has been outstanding. These are the times for special treats and celebrations. but you will interpret it to mean.picked a nice shirt to wear today. how they learn best.) With time. Much better to say. 'Dad. so to celebrate we have decided to give you all an extra week's pay as a bonus!'. Similarly. and teach her to value beauty and appearance more than a person's character and effort. It is a bit like your boss coming into the office and saying. If they happen too often. You have all worked hard and diligently to achieve this. or done really well at school. The colors suit you. Noel Swanson 95 . you. Special Treats and Rewards Occasionally. are we going to the pictures this weekend?' 'Not this week. When it does. they no longer seem special. which is why you start off with the more formal methods.' Gradually. it will make her vain.' Now you are complimenting her dress sense. Here is an example: 'Thank you for helping to carry the shopping in. 'What a good job you have done in raising your children to have such good manners'. More likely. you will find that your children will start to imitate you. Well done. what polite little children you have!' (Not a well-constructed compliment. or have really worked hard at some chores. But it is important to remember that special treats are occasional. How well do you think that would go down among your colleagues? Children are the same. They start to be viewed as rights. say something that specifically identifies what they have done and what you think about it. That is. then you will be able to dispense with the charts and contracts. 'I really like the way you did your hair today. Perhaps they have done you some big favors. Until you start slipping back again. 'You are a pretty girl' compliments her genes and does little to build up her confidence. you will feel particularly pleased with your children. that is. and the family. The idea about special treats is that they are an unexpected bonus. you will see more and more good behaviors from the children – because they feel better about themselves. Having picked something to compliment. This does not happen overnight. and because they like getting the compliments. Special treats make them feel valued and important and help to strengthen the bonds between you all.
if you have been good. it is dependent on their behavior. rather than get sucked into an argument. why not? We went the last three weeks. the treat is not unearned. So if they are not getting it. Instead of the treats being special. which means that you had better keep your end of the bargain if they keep theirs.' 'So? Why can't we go this week?' [And the whining starts. it usually works. 'I want you girls to be ultra-polite and well behaved when we visit Auntie May this afternoon. not a special treat.'Aw.] But what a shame. Also. Noel Swanson 96 . After all. That does not make it wrong – just recognize it for what it is. Sometimes you will hear parents complain.' In this case. they then feel they are being unfairly deprived of their rights. 'I don't know why they whine so much.' [Dad sensibly starts to count. of course. Getting everything they ask for has become the norm. That makes this a contract.' 'Those were special treats. So they whine. Then. and the children now feel that they are being deprived of something that is theirs by right. not a treat. Suppose you say. Dr.] 'That's one. is exactly why they whine. they have become ordinary. they get everything that they ask for!' That. as a special treat we will have a take-away tonight. special treats are unearned.
Then. what alternative behaviors you would like to encourage. If you have read the previous chapters. what seems to set the scene or trigger it off. particularly if you are using words like 'always' or 'never'. Follow this process through step by step and you should get there. If you are unable to do this. it is now just a matter of applying them. This would suggest that your child is 'not a happy camper'. should you choose to accept it. mood) that are largely defining his behaviors.CHAPTER 5 . and that it is the internal factors (e. and whether it is going to be worth the effort involved. defiance. please do so now. in the following sections we shall apply these strategies to some common behavioral problems. Be specific. Do not attempt to work through this chapter until you have done so. and/or rudeness. Dr. and also what happens after the behavior. 1) Define the problem. If you remain in a negative frame of mind where your child can do nothing right. the external motivators plus the internal modifiers plus the gambling odds make this behavior a better bet than an alternative behavior. Probably included among them is your emotional bank account being heavily overdrawn. Describe when it does or does not happen. you may be describing a general attitude of non-compliance. What exactly is it that your child is or is not doing? I recommend actually writing down a description of the problem behaviors. then there are two probabilities that you need to look into. That is to say. Alternatively.1 How to Analyze a Specific Behavior opefully by now you are well on your way to a happier and more peaceful home.g. Noel Swanson 98 . So here goes. If you have jumped straight to this section and have not read the earlier chapters. In this section we will look at how to analyze the problem behavior so that you can devise a strategy to change it. Your mission. H You will already know that the bottom-line reason that your child is doing what he does is because it works. The first is that you are being overcritical. is to find out which of these factors you are able to change. Include in this account what you and others do in response. Describe what leads up to the behavior. you already know the principles. then all your attempts at behavior modification are doomed to failure. But there may be some specific behaviors that are still causing you problems. or if your description is rather vague. This may give you some clues as to what is reinforcing the behavior. Also describe the exceptions – when things have gone well.
You may not think it funny. But they can be irritating to parents. It may take some detective work. but often become more frequent at times of stress and when watching television. therefore. move on to the next stage. If not. get it sorted out. they may involve more complex sounds or even whole words or phrases (as is the case with Tourette's syndrome. If it is a tic. twisting or stretching the neck. Noel Swanson 99 . Often called 'nervous twitches' they include such things as eye blinking. also look for other possible reasons for the poor self-esteem and anger – problems at school. young children go through various behavioral and developmental phases.Read Chapter 1 again. the 'swearing disease'). Work on making some deposits into the account: be polite. The same applies to the many other phases kids pass through. Tics can start at any age. If you find yourself constantly telling your child : 'Stop snorting. respectful. Spend time playing with your child. with neighbors. these are involuntary. It will take time to turn it around. but it will pass. Children can also get 'vocal tics'. only to come back as a different tic a few months later. not what you think she ought to value. with abuse. but it will not start until you start. even in the face of ongoing insults. they get into the 'toilet jokes' phase. They love to make jokes about 'poo' and 'wee' and will delight in calling each other 'poo face'. Perhaps you are already doing all this. But maybe I do you a disservice. They tend to wax and wane and may disappear completely for a while. Like motor tics. Making a big fuss about it will only make things worse. it may be that he has a sinus problem or hay fever. then you should eventually find out what is going on. Common ones are repetitive sniffing and snorting. or it may be that he has a vocal tic. with friends. and rarely cause any problems to the child. Since stress can make tics worse. and are prepared to fully listen. then it is probably time to seek professional help. non-judgmental and complimentary. If the problem is a more specific and well-defined behavior. Similarly. Dr. Rarely. grunting. but are most common among seven to nine year olds. 2) Is it a phase or a developmental stage? It is no use complaining that your baby puts everything in his mouth. coughing and humming. If it is the sinuses. it may be worth checking if there are any particular stresses in your child's life that you could help her to deal with. for example. These are called 'motor tics' and are repetitive. but if you genuinely show that you are on your child's side. Also common among primary-school-aged children are tics. In infant school. it may be that he is lazy. Tics are not dangerous. doing what she values. That is what babies do. stop bugging him – it will not help. At the same time. You can check with other parents to see if their children are in the same phase as yours. Go get a hankie'. involuntary movements that can occur at any time during the day. shrugging shoulders. and jerky movements of limbs or head.
Set realistic expectations. so that together you can start to work on the problem. On the other hand. aggressive. then you will want to try to change it. Most likely you will do this by setting up structured play times with just one child at a time. it means that the rewards for doing it still seem greater than the punishments. you will frustrate your children and burn yourself out. That is their personality and temperament. 4) What type of problem? Is it something you are trying to Stop. Such children like to stay quietly in their rooms reading. and Charlie's area for holes. or shows serious lack of responsibility. and therefore deliberately trying to get at you? Are they physically or mentally capable of stopping? Tics are an example. If that is the case. It is probably a phase that will pass in time. then clearly something needs to be done. Noel Swanson 100 . immoral. If you have been working on a 'Stop' behavior for a while and nothing is happening. it may be that she is sad and lonely and does not know how to make friends. nor immoral. What you do not want to do is boss her about and tell her to come and play with the horde of noisy cousins that has just arrived. In that case. Hole-digging Charlie is one such example. Some adults are like that and are quite happy with it. breaking things through clumsiness and poor co-ordination may be another. 3. If they are too high. Is it wrong? Is it dangerous? Or is it just that you are worried your child will never have any friends when she grows up? Perhaps she does not want a lot of friends and enjoys her own company. Check the following: 1. some children are loners. 2. 4. or something you are trying to Start? Bear in mind that often the easiest way to stop one behavior is to start another. nor irresponsible. Dr. But often the problem has more to do with our own agendas than with the child having a genuine problem. Who is to say which is more important? Who has first rights over what to do with the garden? Digging holes is not dangerous. then leave her alone. for example. usually opposite one. Perhaps a solution can be found by dividing the garden into Dad's area for flowers. Charlie wants to dig holes.3) Why is it a problem? If the behavior is dangerous. or the rewards for doing the opposite. by giving it lots of attention? Are you back in RTP mode? Do you sometimes give in and give them what they want? Are they angry or resentful. If it is very irritating and is upsetting everyone else. Are you inadvertently rewarding the behavior. you will want to open up lines of communication with her. rather than go out and about socializing. 5. Similarly. so as to not overwhelm her. His Dad wants to plant flowers.
This is seen very clearly in the next section. If you are still stuck.6. aim. Noel Swanson 101 . or excessively harsh? Are there praises and compliments when they do get it right? If it is a 'Start' behavior that is not happening. have too high expectations. When parents complain that it is not working for them. you should be back on track to success. to get to three. If it is a responsibility issue. 5. 4. check these factors: 1. However. or are you still stepping in to make sure they do it? In this case it is you that is taking responsibility for the behavior rather than the child. 2. Still Stuck? If you have checked and rectified all the above. 8. 7. in the first step. even though they have not earned it? Or do they have so many unearned privileges that they really do not need the earned ones? Are the targets realistic? Do they have a fair chance of succeeding. Is there an optimistic attitude. with plenty of praises and compliments whenever possible? Having set up the program. are you letting them get on with it? Or are you back in RTP or nag mode? 3. I see this happen all the time. Are there sufficient rewards in place. and do they get them when they have earned them? Can they get the same or similar rewards without having to work? Do you give in and let them watch their special program. It may be that there is some serious medical or mental-health disorder. or are they being set up to fail? If they are at two out of ten. not nine. are you allowing them to fail and live with the consequences. then it is probably time to get some outside help. and are doing too much talking (and shouting). Dr. you will be surprised how quickly you can turn around even severe behavioral problems if you diligently follow these strategies. by far and away the most common reason is that they are still too critical. What else can they do that will get them the same attention or other rewards? Are the punishments appropriate and logical.
Gradually.. The alarm goes off at 7 a.30 a. As an adult. Noel Swanson 102 . Dr.m. young lady!' Mother snatches the comic away. it's time to get up!' Mother urges. Claire. Mother stomps upstairs.CHAPTER 5 . only to find Claire still in her pyjamas. 'Hey! I was reading that!' 'Not now. This is where the frustration usually sets in. breakfast in ten minutes. it is entirely your own responsibility – you are the one who has to live with the consequences. No boss is going to be phoning them up every morning to tell them to get out of bed and get to work on time. this will lead to conversations like this one. including the fact that your actions may also affect others. comb their hair. 'Breakfast is now. Now get moving or you will be late. and get out of the door. you did most of it for them. making sure they were where they should be at the right time. clean their teeth. M When they were toddlers going to play school. organize their bags. and everyone has to be out of the door by 8. they will need to do it themselves. Get up! Now!' Silence. have breakfast. Sometime in between there is a transition. wash their faces. 'Uhhhhh . 'Claire. Phew! What a rush. .m. find their shoes. . get dressed. reading her comics. As adults. . Between these times the children have to get up. 'Come on. As long as you continue to do it for them. put on their coats. you took the responsibility for them. Getting up and out in the morning is a responsibility. such as getting fired. they will not learn for themselves. Another ten minutes. . No Claire.' Ten minutes later. But children learn responsibility by having it. you're not. there are natural consequences. If you do not do it.2 Mornings ornings are often difficult times. When your children were infants.' And on it goes .
At eighteen it is not.. You are probably thinking. The next day he was ready on time. and let her get on with it. as she scampers down the stairs. Claire has finally had some breakfast and is now messing about in the bathroom: 'Claire. 1.m. They completely ignored that fact. 'Where is your school bag?' mother asks. you throw their clothes outside with them. After all. you simply stop your nagging. He has not been so forgetful since then. At that time. The teachers were wonderful. and so were as surprised as he was to discover. Go and get your bag. In actual fact. girl. Her fear is. time to go. 'I couldn't possibly do that to my little angel. that he was in school with his pyjama top instead of a shirt. If they have left their bag unpacked. It's your responsibility to get organized for school. Since this is a straightforward responsibility issue. If they have not finished their breakfast. In between. it is in between. I remember one lad who went to school without his shoes on. If they are still in their pyjamas.Half an hour later. How much you make it their responsibility is up to you. and let him spend the whole day at school shoeless. never mind.' Your little angel knows that. Where are you?' 'Coming!' Claire replies. isn't it? At age three it is. later on.30 a. it is 8. for goodness sake. Noel Swanson 103 . whether you are driving them. Dr. Incidentally. because he was messing about instead of getting ready. Then you make sure that the natural consequences take their place. He still had his pyjama top on and then put his sweater on over the top. with a groan. or alternatively. They then go to school partially ready. Your lunch is in the fridge. you will only have to do it once. or someone is picking them up. you know!' Is it? Sounds more like mother is taking the responsibility. I thought you had it! Did you put my lunch in?' 'Oh. give the school a call to let them know what is happening. the same applies if they forget a particular item. There are a couple of ways that you can do this. it is the mother's responsibility to get her to school on time. they are walking. They can then get dressed on the doorstep or in the car. his parents did not notice. and not a minute later. 'I don't know. too bad. you push them out of the door. that if she did not nag and chase after Claire. which is why she does not get going! Don't worry. Decide when they need to be out of the door in order to be at school on time. If you do end up sending her to school missing some clothes. then Claire would still be lying in bed. of course. they can explain that to their teacher. Another boy I knew (aged seven) forgot to put his school shirt on.
2. But do not then give them a late breakfast. or teen. If they missed it. leave it to the child to explain to the teachers why he was late. Despite what you might think and what they say. See the next section. Dr. Noel Swanson 104 . The alternative is to simply let them be late. Also. most children want to be at school and want to be there on time. there needs to be a logical consequence for that. they missed it. This second method is more suited to the older child. and is probably not as quickly effective as the first. and take the punishment for it if there is one. So let them be late if they are disorganized. if the child chooses to miss school completely. Of course.
School Refusal And Separation Anxiety
Some children do not want to go to school. There are various reasons, but the bottom line is that going to school is less gain and more pain than not going to school. There are two main scenarios. The first is that there is something at school, or on the way to school, that is causing them anxiety or distress. This is sometimes called school phobia. The second is that leaving home, i.e. separating from parents, causes distress. This is usually called separation anxiety. If your child has been regularly and happily attending school, and then suddenly does not want to go, or starts developing vague tummy aches and headaches for which he wants to stay off sick, the problem is most likely to be a school phobia. The clue is the sudden onset, with previously normal behavior. It suggests that something has happened which is upsetting your child. Perhaps a bully is picking on him. Or perhaps he is struggling with a subject and is afraid of failing, but also afraid of asking the teacher for help. Or maybe he is in trouble for something and wants to avoid the consequences. There may be a host of reasons, and your job is to get alongside him and try to sort it out with him and for him. The more usual pattern is that there has been a long history of erratic school attendance. Often there are frequent absences for vague physical illnesses. This is especially common among children who were weak and sickly as babies and infants. These children get used to being 'sick' and all the privileges that go with it – especially the extra attention. Their parents also get used to them being sick and therefore are not surprised if they are sick again. When it comes to leaving mother to go to school, these children get quite anxious and clingy, and may make a big fuss. If, as a result, mother stays, or the child gets to miss school, guess what? The behavior worked and so will be repeated next time. If, however, they are left at school, the anxiety often dies away pretty quickly. Because they get anxious, these children do get headaches and tummy aches (which are the child's equivalent of an adult's headache). If, as a result, they miss school and get more attention, this pattern of behaviors gets reinforced. Over the years this can develop so that they end up spending hardly any time in school. Sometimes they get 'ill' during the day and have to come home from school early. Whatever the root cause, the treatment is the same. Every time they miss school, they get a concerned parent looking after them with much attention. Sometimes the parent even has to come home from work especially. What
Dr. Noel Swanson
power! The basic principle, therefore, is to stop the rewards for not going to school, and add some rewards for going. 1. 2. 3. Check that there is no identifiable problem at school, or on the way to school. If there is, sort it out. Check that there is no genuine, ongoing physical illness that requires bed rest. Make a straightforward rule that he goes to school unless he is infectious (which means he has come out in spots), or has a measurable fever, which you check with a thermometer. If he is not sick, he goes to school, in his pyjamas if necessary (see the previous section). Give him lots of praise and compliments when he does make it to school. But you probably do not need to physically force him out, as you can use the alternative to do its work: If he does not go to school it must be because he is sick. So it is straight to bed, curtains drawn, lights off, and no television or computer games. He needs to rest and get some sleep. Also, he needs to drink plenty of fluids, so put a big jug of water next to the bed with instructions to drink it up by lunchtime. He is not allowed out of bed, except to go to the toilet. And you do not keep him company. Get on with your own work, and leave him to get bored. Come up with a small plate of sandwiches for lunch. If he is better, he can get up and go to school. If not, then leave him in peace again. Keep it up through the evening also. Before too long he will be begging you to let him get up so he can go to school.
Stay calm throughout all of this. Shouting or nagging will not get him to school any quicker; it will probably make it worse. But be firm and do not give in. School refusal needs to be treated early and firmly. If left to go on for too long, it can become extremely entrenched, making it difficult, and sometimes impossible, to treat effectively. If you do not get a rapid response to your interventions, seek some professional help.
Dr. Noel Swanson
etting kids to do homework can be a major headache. Of course it is. By now, you will be able to spot the problem straight away! It is that word "getting". You will not be getting your kids to do anything. They will do it when they want to do it. Your job is to set things up so that they do want to do it.
Homework is an ideal candidate for Charting (page 82) or for a specific contract (page 88). Before you start that, however, you may want to consider the following points. For many, if not most, children, homework is not very exciting. In fact, it may be quite boring. That is not a good start. Who wants to do something that is boring? This means that it is dependent on other, external, motivators if it is going to get done. It also means that it is quite susceptible to the internal de-motivators, like being tired and hungry after a long day at school. The first thing to do, therefore, is to set up some sort of routine for homework. Decide with the children when the best time for doing it is. Probably they will want a snack first. It is usually a good idea to get it done straight away, before the television goes on, or before they go out to play. In the winter, with limited daylight hours, you may want them to play outside first, while it is still light, and then do the homework after supper. There is no right or wrong way, but try to make it consistent. Decide also where the best place to work is. Is it the kitchen table, the living-room coffee table, their bedroom? Again, there is no right or wrong place, but the fewer distractions the better. Often a regular routine, plus some incentive like watching a favorite TV program once they have finished is enough to get them going. Children who are struggling may need a little extra assistance. If they need a little help with the academic content, give it to them. But do not do it for them; it is their homework, not yours. Try to help them to succeed; nothing motivates as much as success. If they feel that homework is a grueling exercise in failure, they will soon find better things to do. If they are overwhelmed by it, divide it into smaller chunks and have a break in between – along with some praise and compliments, and maybe a cookie, to reward their effort so far. If the homework is consistently taking hours to complete despite their diligent efforts, it is time to talk to the teachers about it. If the child is behind in class, and finding the subjects difficult, she should not be punished by having to then struggle for hours with it at home.
Dr. Noel Swanson
But do not forget to check if there are some internal modifiers at work to undermine your efforts (Chapter 1). Being able to produce her own realistic assessment of her work. In addition. be proud of her achievement.On the other hand. or that she did well. For the first few times. Noel Swanson 108 . Point out the bits that you like. let the natural consequences take their course. Instead. then it is an issue of responsibility (see Chapter 4). But being overly critical will destroy any hope of her taking pride in her own work. compliment her. Finally. if your child has worked hard at her homework. Dr. then it is time to haul out the chart. Next time she will probably try even harder. No doubt you could do a better job. Child and teacher can have their own conversation about why the homework did not get done. you can ask her if she is happy with what she has produced. is even more useful to her than external compliments or criticisms. but that they will not. It is probably not perfect. or draw up a contract. if the problem is not that they cannot do it. particularly with regard to how much effort she did or did not put into it. If it becomes a consistent problem.
'I need to go to the toilet'. and the evenings. What is rewarding the current behavior? From the child's perspective. When they get to sleep I have not yet figured out. Incidentally. can't I have any time to myself? I've already spent an hour getting you to bed.CHAPTER 5 .m. . The down side? Occasionally you might really lose your temper and so they might get a smack. and now you're down here wanting me to find your teddy bear. as families do not even have their evening meals until 9 p. Noel Swanson 109 . 'I'm scared!' The more frustrated and harassed you get. but it is easy to stretch that out with requests like 'One more chapter'. and. Five minutes later you hear footsteps coming down the stairs.5 Bedtimes t seems the two ends of the day are often the hardest for parents. and gets to stay up later. 'I've lost my teddy. You sit down to read the paper. the harder it is to get them to settle down. you succeed. of course. Not when so much fun can be had by getting the parents to run in circles around them. because there is an externally imposed time limit. 'I'm hungry'. In Spain. Finally.' 'Honestly. but I guess they fit it in somewhere. dear. Dr.' Oh. 'I forgot to brush my teeth'. this is very much a northern European and North American custom. it is a good gamble – he gets plenty of attention from the parents. I The usual routine is that children do not want to go to bed. 'What now?' you say. the best one of them all. Not a good scene. because the parents want some peace and quiet and time for themselves. children are regularly up late at night. Whatever next? Do you think . The mornings. 'A glass of water please?'. . Normally there is some notional bedtime.
But you will need to tell them in advance. folks! Time for bed! Last one in the bath is a hairy banana!' Turn off the television and computers. the Game Boy. The tickles are fine at the beginning. but the last half-hour needs to be a time to wind down. or maybe both. As it is. If it is going to take an hour.If you want children to get to bed earlier and easier. and give your children this hour of your time. Otherwise they may panic. Then try to make this as hassle-free and fun as possible. They do not have to go to sleep. if they need one. The sooner they are ready for bed. as long as it does not involve anyone else. wanting to tell you something. Noel Swanson 110 . At 7 o'clock you announce that it is bedtime. you won't.m. Be reasonable and leave a night light on. peaceful time with one or other. you do not expect to hear from them again. That means that you are going to have to put some effort into making it a positive experience for everyone. but they may still like to have you around. This hour is for them. Young children will need you to assist them with each step. if you treat it right. Either way you do not get into nag mode. but firmly. Do not try to do your accounts or your letter writing at the same time. Normally. Note the word quiet. They have the list. chat. they would be allowed to get up and go to the toilet or to get themselves a drink. ignore it. as you tuck them up. If you do hear from them again. Here are some suggestions: Decide on the list of things that need to be done as part of the bedtime routine: getting tomorrow's clothes and bag ready. This pre-empts the 'I can't get to sleep!' cry. that you will ignore them if they shout. But after 8 o'clock. pyjamas. teeth. you expect them to work through it. Dr. of their parents. Older children will be more independent. Now it is time for the lights to go off and the children to stay in bed. 'OK. Resign yourself to putting aside anything else you wanted to do. there has to be a benefit in it for them. When you finally get to 8 o'clock. you will need to respond in a way that is not going to reward their behavior. This is a very powerful tactic if there are younger children who might be woken up by it. tell stories. it counts as quality time. Ultimately they may come looking for you. which then forces you to deal with it in a different way. or just spend quiet time together. or any other high-stimulation activities. do not try to rush through it in half an hour. bath. this can work. They will no doubt increase the volume in an attempt to rouse you from your well-earned rest to come and attend to their needs. The rule is to stay quiet and to stay in bed. If they are calling from their bed. you will make it a game. story. The carrot at the end is that you have until 8 p. the children will have had some good. it will get worse before it gets better. Trying to rush them off to bed will not work. Do not begrudge this. thinking that you have gone out and left them. Work out how long this list of tasks will realistically take them to complete. This is not the time for TV. On some nights. If lights-out is at 8 o'clock. Write them down and pin it up in their bedroom. as long as they are quiet. One is to simply. There are several options. the sooner and longer they get the stories. But not a bright light – it keeps them awake and may tempt them to read. On others. and it is going to take an hour. then action time is 7 o'clock. or asking you to do something. to read stories.
do not get tempted to take the easy way out and have them sleep with you in your room. is to send them to their rooms for time-out. Then choose a boring game and play it over and over again. sleep) and also shallow sleep. Combine this with rewards for doing well. they will get the message. Midnight Wakenings All children wake several times during the night. it is time to invoke the power of a chart or contract to reward them for staying in bed (see Ben's chart. But if there is some external stimulus.An alternative is to start counting. you calmly (very calmly) return them to bed. Find yourself a comfortable chair and park yourself in it outside the bedroom door. Surprisingly. this is not the time to lock them in their room. Use the paradoxical ('reverse psychology') approach. Probably the reason it still works is that they have learned that when you start counting you mean business. you go straight back to sleep. as children will very easily get frightened and feel abandoned at night. or if your bladder is full. or they come down to pay you a visit. Even though there is not much of a penalty attached to it at this time of night. but if you are consistent. you can suggest to them that they stay up and play a game. Incidentally. You will have to keep this up for some time. but calmly. Do this for several evenings. Noel Swanson 111 . They carry on shouting. Usually. Dr. when you get to 'three'. You will only build up a habit that will be difficult to break and that you will regret for many a night. Do not engage in conversation – it only encourages them. even though the ultimate penalty. continuing to make a fuss is probably not going to pay off. returned to their rooms. when they start making a fuss at night. Your counting does not impress them. Some children are very persistent. so there is no point in pushing it. Do not respond to calling out. They need to be firmly. and do not engage in conversation with them. Finally. REM. The only exception to this is when there is a violent storm outside. then you may wake up more fully and stay awake. along with a good book. such as noise or light. Which is where they are already. come to that. If this is becoming a habit. If they attempt to leave the room. which often includes brief wakenings. and keep playing it until they are begging for you to let them go to bed. Maybe even read them an extra story. this is often quite effective. exciting event and allow them the privilege of sleeping on the floor next to your bed. Treat this as a special. no emotion. So do you. By doing this you counteract their fears. and instead help them to associate storms with cosy warm evenings being battened down with the family they love. If all else fails there are two more strategies: 1. you are all going to play a game together. 2. No talking. After that. Normal sleep consists of periods of deep sleep (so-called Stage 4 sleep) alternating with dreams (rapideye-movement. page 84). Tell your children that you have decided that since they want to spend more time up with the family.
Nightmares. Yet another of the joys of parenting. Night terrors are common among pre-schoolers. Hopefully. Suddenly. you will probably have to firmly tell them to be quiet. Also. Night terrors are not associated with frightening dreams and do not cause the child any harm. The last thing that you want is uproar with the whole house awake. they grow out of them. really. surprisingly. It seems harsh. but it pays off. The middle of the night is a difficult time. but can persist through the primaryschool years. They are a type of sleep disorder and. harmless. You try to comfort him. Dr. and Sleep Walking Night terrors are common. With time. the deepest stage of sleep. If they stay in bed. All is quiet. Eventually. you can do all of this without them even waking up fully. It is a bit of a bluff. This is why you cannot get through to them – they are still deeply asleep.) If they start shouting and screaming . he hardly seems to notice you are there. they will either learn to sleep through the night. Eventually. they will probably go straight back to sleep. (This is especially true of babies – if you attend to their every cry. even when they say they do not need to go. with the children peacefully asleep. and secondly to confirm that you still mean business. the best thing to do is to ignore them. Do not turn the light on: you do not want to wake them up even more. Although they are very distressing. do not occur during dream (REM) sleep. To avoid this you need to ignore their wakenings as much as possible. and despite the fact that they wake up everyone else. do not go in to check on them. but rather during Stage 4.The trouble is that you can be trained to stay awake rather than go back to sleep. you will be training them to wake up regularly through the night. but very frightening and upsetting for parents. one of them sits bolt upright and screams at the top of his voice. Resist it with all your strength. it seems to work. If you ignore them. This is first of all to reassure them that you are there. wide-eyed and still screaming. they will not remember anything. Noel Swanson 112 . but the best thing to do is actually to buy some earplugs and try to sleep through it. your first assumption is that they need the toilet. even though they look awake. Lead them there gently. which makes for irritable and short-tempered parents. or they will learn to take themselves to the toilet without your assistance. he settles down and goes back to sleep. because what are you going to do? Send them to their rooms for time-out? Even so. If they do get up. If children get attention during their brief wakening. The result is that next time they will stay awake and seek attention (by crying or shouting). Night Terrors. so there is no point in trying to ask them what they were dreaming about. yes. Do not wake the child up – it will take him longer to recover and to settle down again. what has happened? You rush in to find him staring straight ahead. but nothing seems to work. The more calmly you can handle it all. sometimes occurring several times a week. the quicker this phase should pass. More than any other time. It is hard. Everyone wakes up in alarm! What is the matter. Everyone is at their lowest ebb. They will often produce. rather than go back to sleep. In the morning they will have no memory of it. this rewards staying awake. this is the time for peaceful restraint. Then lead them quietly back to bed. perhaps by counting.
but without waking everyone else in the process. occur during dream (REM) sleep. If that is the case. it will take them a week or two to adjust to the new time schedule. First. Here the goal is not to keep them asleep. of course. Get them a drink. But some children just seem to need very little sleep. but often they cry out and clearly look like they are frightened or upset. Unlike the night terrors. it can be very easy to get them frightened again. Dr. This takes some preparation. and sit with them for a while until they go back to sleep. There is probably little that you can do to get them to sleep for longer in the morning. Early Mornings Some children seem to be more like birds than humans – they seem biologically primed to wake up at 5 a. and that there are no early-morning noises that might be waking them. you will need to discuss it in detail with them and hopefully negotiate some degree of co-operation. and get up. the children do not scream. As with jet lag (which is actually what it is). The other option is to train them to be quiet in the mornings. But waking them up is not the answer. on the other hand. and once only. that they need to remain quiet if they want to earn their rewards. make sure that they are safe – you may need to put in a stair gate. add in some charting or a contract. Instead. is to put together a 'morning kit' that contains a number of quiet activities they can do when they wake up. That ends the dream and allows you to comfort them. including opening the front door and walking down the street. And. On this occasion it is better to wake them. If you happen to be awake while they are wandering about. which also occurs during Stage 4 sleep. take them to the toilet. If they do make a noise. Praise and compliment them when they do succeed in playing quietly. ignore it or remind them quietly. although sometimes it can help to deflate the nightmare when they describe it in the light of day. what many parents have found to be helpful. Noel Swanson 113 . Be careful about asking them what the dream was about. but to allow them to wake up. and then wake everyone else up with their own personal dawn chorus. Obviously you will want to make sure that the room remains dark (put up some heavier curtains). then it makes them even more attractive in the morning.m. for example. but they can still earn the rest if they remain quiet. one option is to put them to bed later. gently lead them back to bed without waking them. Then. Nightmares. If these are not available the rest of the day. But try to avoid putting all the bright lights on. Since they did wake you up. even if you feel like it. Do not shout at them.The same applies to sleepwalking. such as the heating coming on. Children have been known to do strange things in their sleep. they lose one of their 'quiet-in-the-morning' points.
You will find a sample list on page 125 which you can customize for your own use. They can do that if they want to. Noel Swanson 114 .6 I'm Bored! Children have more toys and more organized entertainment than ever before.' Dr. Incidentally. You do not have to ban TV completely. If children are used to having every waking minute filled with activities. Do not reward their whining and complaining by organizing some entertainment for them. Once they get over the shock. as well as obesity and the risk of heart disease. you can point them towards the list and say. self-reliance and creativity. There is mounting evidence of the harm that is caused by too much time spent in front of the television and various computer games: they increase violence and aggression. often a good opportunity for talking about family values such as honesty.. You will note that option 52 on the list is to stay bored. when they complain that there is nothing to do. then you say. complaining. It is then that they come to you. If you can do this jointly with them. When they do.. There are plenty of other things that children can do. you can offer them a tremendous opportunity to learn some independence. I strongly recommend that you do not resort to the electronic babysitters to keep them quiet. Let them do some problem solving for themselves. or only use it when you are watching together as a family. One way to assist them is to create a list of things that they can do.CHAPTER 5 . it is their choice. expecting you to do something about it. Ignore their complaints. Stick it on the fridge. But if they come back at you again. even better. Then you can discuss what you are watching. discourage creativity and imagination. there will be an aching void if there happens to be five minutes spare with nothing to put in them. decrease school performance and social skills. for example by having it only available for limited periods earned on a chart. but stop complaining. next to the Deal. rather than sitting passively in front of a screen. But restrict its use. Then. and so on. Perhaps the two are linked. or find something else to do. Yet they still complain of being bored. 'That's one. pick one of those. you will be amazed at what they are able to come up with.
and easily frustrated. If your child has ADHD.7 Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder ome children are placid. ADHD definitely runs in families and has a large genetic component to it. Even so. Noel Swanson 115 . loud. and are so impulsive. In other words. children with ADHD need this program even more than the less active ones. These children are impulsive. you did not cause it. because these children have such short attention spans. school nurse. 2. A small number are positively hyperactive. and they do not learn from experience or from applied discipline. their condition has been described as a disorder. They just do not think before they do things. actions that keep getting them into trouble. the severe ones do not respond well to even the most consistent behavioral program. There are two points that are worth making: 1. But it is extremely unlikely that bad parenting causes it. impulsive. disorganized. then even your best efforts at putting this manual into practice may have only limited results. It has gone through a number of names over the decades. they stand the best chance of controlling their behaviors if the discipline is highly structured. very immediate. which often leads to some lively temper tantrums. Then you will be giving them the best possible chance for success. They will continue to do foolish. Dr. Further information can be found in numerous books (check your library). These children have significant difficulty in fitting in with the normal expectations of home and school. S Obviously a full discussion of ADHD is outside the scope of this manual. These children are so hyperactive and impulsive that they are in trouble wherever they go. Because they are so easily distracted. others are lively. So do not give up on them. It is just one of those things that. reward-based environment. both of which are usually just too stimulating for them. and very consistent. optimistic. In addition there are a number of environmental factors that may be involved. Since their problems with controlling their behaviors are so problematic. if your children are at the moderate to severe end of the spectrum. forgetful. If that is the case in your family then it is time to seek some professional help. health visitor and local child mental health clinic. Instead determine that you will work even harder at producing a calm. for whatever the reason. you have been blessed with a challenging child instead of an easy one (see page20). but the current one is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Furthermore.CHAPTER 5 . from your doctor.
No.No. Speak to your doctor or health visitor. otherwise you would not be reading this manual. Dr. Like the children we have discussed right through this manual. I am sure you will. however. some of whom have come together in parent support groups. it is not easy. You do not have to struggle alone. I hope. but then life isn't. for your sanity as well as your children's. There are many more out there in the same position. you will often feel worn out and harassed. you have a choice in dealing with this unfair world: you can make the best of it. that you will choose the former. Yes. it is not fair. Noel Swanson 116 . or you can complain and make a fuss.
'Oh . When they first came to see me. . it is easy to get caught up in today's troubles and lose sight of the big picture. what were you at six months ago? I thought that at that time you had scored life at a two.1 How Are You Doing? I had been seeing Catherine and her family for several months. . Over the weeks they worked hard at putting into place the strategies described in this manual. to score it at nine compared to two six months ago. The parents were having tremendous problems with Catherine's obnoxious and defiant behavior. if life is very stressful). Like Catherine's family. and the parents were even talking about separating because of all the stress. 'Really?' I was somewhat surprised at the low score. or to score it at two compared with some new idealized scale? Sometimes it can be helpful to keep a log or a diary of behavior. The Family Meeting One way to keep on track is to have a regular family conference. if we score it in on the same scale that we used then. but when things are going better you can reduce the frequency. of course. Noel Swanson 118 . so that you can remind yourselves how far you have come. do this as a matter of routine. things improved. When they came in this time. Initially.' Dad said. But they were still having difficulties with bedtime. Fun times were non-existent. Businesses. 'So. overall. They learned to count instead of shouting. they would never know if they were meeting their targets or if their business was booming or about to go bust. . if you are at a two now. Gradually. I would say we are at about a nine now!' they both exclaimed. They started by telling me how much calmer everything was now. well . They looked hard. life at home was pretty bad.CHAPTER 6 . Everyone was shouting at each other. you might do this weekly (or even daily. Isn't it funny how perspectives change? I wonder which felt better. and found some behaviors that they could praise and reward. given how much better things were now than they had been. I guess. .' 'Oh. Why should families be any different? Dr. Without a regular review. about two out of ten. I had not seen them for a couple of months and so was curious to find out how it was all going. how would you rate family life now?' I asked. 'So.
Maintain a positive. the purpose of this is to find the good things and build upon them. When you stand up. ultimately undermining the whole family. You will find a sample agenda on page 126. There is no distinction of age. the other should write a record of what was discussed and decided upon. no insults. No shouting. 3. must of course take the lead in showing how this is done. and resolve to do it even better or more frequently. To help you. stay silent. that is still better than zero. One parent should chair the meeting and keep order. When peace is restored. You. You could even plot a graph of your progress. Noel Swanson 119 . as the parents. 'My problem is that it upsets me when I have spent two hours cleaning the kitchen. do not get embroiled in the argument. You may need to have one person acting as a mediator so that both sides can say their piece. Pick out the one thing that went well. This is a time at which resentments can be sorted out. and irritations discussed. Dr. Even if you rated the week as one out of ten. as often the very process of accurately defining the problem will prompt people to come up with a solution. Write it down if necessary. No business would survive if at every board meeting all the members spent the whole time criticizing and tearing each other apart. It makes me feel that no one appreciates the work I do. The basic assumption is that you are on the same side. to then turn around and find muddy footprints all over the floor. A house divided against itself will not stand. Other members should also quietly stand up. This acts as a signal to halt the argument and get back into problem-solving mode. If the parents do the shouting. In this way you can keep each other accountable for what you have all resolved to do. here are some rules for a family meeting: 1. 2.' This works much better than: 'I am fed up with you traipsing mud all over the floor every time I have just washed it. Choose a regular time and a regular place to meet. then whoever notices it first should quietly stand up. The conference is also a forum at which people can raise concerns that they have.The purpose of a family conference is to ask some basic questions: 'How did we do this week? What did we do well? What do we need to improve upon?' Note the positive orientation: it is not 'What did we do wrong?' but 'What do we need to improve upon?' Some families find it helpful to rate the week out of ten. no accusations. Set an agenda. until those that are arguing get the message and apologize for disrupting the meeting. The overall idea is that the family works together as a team to make life better for you all. Try to get each person to define what their problem is. problem-solving approach. sit down and continue the discussion. The idea is to prevent people from nursing resentments before they fester and grow. as it promotes a more businesslike atmosphere. If one person starts talking like this. then the children should stand up.' Is it really every time? Don't skip over this part. For example. Again. You should meet around a table. not what the other person is doing wrong.
What happened is you started slipping back again. you decide that you no longer need the charts or contracts.' Or something along those lines. and you become overprotective.' One way might be for the child to earn the greater freedom by demonstrating his growing responsibility in another. try saying. to find ways to give them more responsibilities. you can't do that. and you have forgotten the basic rules. more freedom. rather than pointing out the faults of the other person. Occasionally. if you have succeeded. without me having to remind you to do it. You demonstrate to me that you can look after the hamster for three months. Slipping Back It happens in every family. Six months later. and with it. That is.e. You start the program. But life is still pretty good. or you had visitors. everyone seems to be shouting at each other again! The children are not getting their chores done. too slow. so it gets you nowhere. therefore problem solving works much better if you focus on yourself. you're too young'. 'No. They Are Getting Older As children grow up. i. the part that you have played in the conflict. The trick is to move at the same speed that they do: too fast. agree on something fun that you want to do as a family. You can use a contract for that. so you are sure you can manage without them. Before too long you should be back on track again. all they will do then is point out your faults. until you no longer have them at all. and then start following the program again. After a while. you miss a family conference because you were on holiday. and you become overcritical because they do not match up to your high standards. For example: 'I'll tell you what. On the whole. Not surprisingly. After all. read the manual again to remind yourself. Instead of saying. that means that your expectations also need to change along with them. at the end of this manual). Gradually. Let's see if there is a way to satisfy those concerns. preventing them from doing what they are well able to manage. Why? Probably because you are back in RTP mode. Noel Swanson 120 . you can have a pet gorilla. Reward yourselves for the successes. 'I would like to be able to say yes to that. That applies to parents too! 4. Go back to the beginning. their abilities change. and within weeks life is much calmer. At the end. and you are having to nag them to get going in the mornings. but I do have some concerns about your safety and your ability to handle that responsibly. you miss more and more. Apologize when you are in the wrong (see the 6 As of Apology. Dr. you want to be on the lookout for ways to say yes to them. then at the end.You cannot change someone else. linked area.
Noel Swanson 121 . Time to reset them. and get back into reward mode (see Chapter 2). if you find yourself telling the child off all the time. perhaps your expectations have run ahead of the child's abilities.On the other hand. Dr.
So enjoy the ride. plus the fact that you recognize you are not perfect and thus there are always improvements you can make. they really are little angels – God's gift to us to make our lives fuller and richer than if we just focused on our own needs and wants. some caused by outside events. Life will have its ups and downs. some caused by family members. you will make it through. Many do not even make it that far! So. You obviously number among those parents who love their children. That determination.CHAPTER 6 . bon voyage! I hope that you have found this manual useful. it can become the most fulfilling and enjoyable part of your life. is already 90 per cent of the battle. But if you stick together. Noel Swanson 122 . With some thought and effort. and are willing to do what it takes to be the best parents that those children could have. Celebrate the fact that you are a family together! Have some FUN along the way.2 Final Words Being a parent is tough. and somehow you have to nurture and guide them until they are ready to spread their wings and take their full place in society. Yet it should not be a burden. It is a heavy responsibility – you have brought these little nippers into the world. have a more enjoyable journey through life as a result. and your family. Don't forget to stop and smell the roses. The fact that you have made your way through this manual and got this far is a good start. Remember. and that you. Dr.
CHAPTER 7 APPENDICES These may be freely copied for your personal use .
sports equipment. wear make-up or Mom's jewelry Purchase of : CDs/tapes.own choice of activity Tokens for general exchange for any of the items below Weekly or Special Treats Play a board game with the family Rent a special video Have a picnic for supper Stay with grandparents Have a friend home for supper or overnight Prepare a special dinner with a parent for the whole family Go on a special "cultural outing" (concert.g. canoeing) Camp overnight in the backyard with Mom or Dad On a weekend day. skating. swimming. film. furnishings for bedroom Dr. museum) Go on a special "sports outing" (bike ride.Suggestions for Rewards Daily Have a favorite/special dessert Have a special snack Have a favorite meal Special TV privilege Half hour on the computer Half hour with a games console (e. Noel Swanson 124 . Nintendo) Hear an extra story at bedtime Stay up for a later bedtime Special "private time" with parent .
.Things to Do When You Are Bored 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 Play outside Catch insects in the garden Dig for worms Climb a tree Take the dog for a walk Play football Go to the park Ride a bike Rollerblade Pull some weeds Build a den Go to the library Play with Lego or K'nex Make a kite Build a model from a kit Build a model from papiér maché Paint Warhammer models Set the table Bake a cake Tidy up bedroom Read a book Explore the encyclopedia Do an experiment Invite a friend over Visit a friend Do the doll's hair Play house Sew a soft toy Learn cross stitch Invent a gadget Design a new game Draw a picture Invent a new language Write a story or a book Write a poem Practice the piano 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 Do some homework Practice handwriting Make a present/card for parents Play a game .... ............................... ............................ Noel Swanson 125 ...................................monopoly cards dominoes marbles ...................................... .... Stay bored Dr........ ......................... .................................................................................. ............................... ............................................................
If any were not fully resolved. use sentences that begin with I: 'I was upset when this happened. you have found a solution that will please everyone. as a family.. either in or outside the home. do not reopen any of the potential arguments. or when you handled a situation badly. and not to be repeated to school friends or workmates. that is the enemy.. Respect each other's privacy. Talk about any problems or concerns that individuals had or are having. Do not sit down again until those that are arguing have stopped and are willing to start calm discussions again. Obviously. Dr. anything discussed in the meeting is confidential. and to stop the discussion if it is turning into an argument. and says what went well and what they were happy with. as a family. Aim to have some fun together.. 2.. work. 3. 'You did this . Everyone scores the week out of ten. Do not make accusations or criticisms about another family member.. Once you close the meeting. Everyone else at the table has a responsibility to mediate this.' 'I was very angry about.. 5.' and 'You always . any goals or special plans for the coming week. 4.' Instead. Noel Swanson 126 . Apologize when you were in the wrong... avoid. This promotes dialogue and will get the problem solved. Making accusations and damning statements will just provoke a row.. Do this by standing up quietly. When you do. Decide. and outside interests can also be discussed.' or 'You never. school. For example. Remember it is the problem. call another meeting. This does not have to relate to family life only. not the person.Agenda for Family Conference 1. write it down. Review the week.' 'I am having a problem with things being left on the floor'. and ask for forgiveness. Continue the discussion until. Congratulate and compliment each other on what went well..
Do a favor. Noel Swanson 127 . and show that you want to improve your relationship with the person. it must have really hurt you.The 6 A's of Apology Admit Admit what you did. or what you were thinking. Ask the person to forgive you.if you can enlighten me on whom it was. even if you were just being careless and not thinking about it. so that you won't repeat the mistake." (Note: I am indebted to the unknown author of this piece . Acknowledge Show that you are aware of the pain or hurt that you have caused the other person. I will be glad to give due credit in the next edition of this manual) Dr. Account Explain what you were trying to do. to like you. bring a gift. or invite the person to do something fun with you. Let me make it up to you. Adjust Think about what you can do differently next time. I would like to do this favor for you to show you that I am really sorry. and without having to be asked. and that you are feeling bad yourself because of the hurt that you caused. and to forgive you. without telling lies first. I still want to be your friend. Amend Make amends by doing something to make up for the pain you have caused. Example: "I'm sorry I did that. Explain that you want to repay the person for the hurt you have caused. do chores for the person. Affirm Indicate that you still want the person to be your friend. Change something to prevent it from happening again. Tell them that you wish that you had not caused these hurts.
Needed Notes and Definitions .The Deal Responsibility Pts Sat Sun Mon Tues Wed Thu Fri Total Daily Totals: Rewards Pts.
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