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The Sith Lord
Diego Varen
This a new Fic I've decided to write. It starts after Jedi Academy, where Jaden decides to take the path of the dark side. I shall post the few Chapter in a few minutes.
Jason Skywalker
Cool.I just hope it's as good as JK-DQ.
I'm just wondering where you find time to write all of these fics, lol.
Diego Varen
Cool.I just hope it's as good as JK-DQ.
I doubt it. It is the best Fic not in the CEC. I think everyone here should read it. Sabretooth knows what I think of it.
I'm just wondering where you find time to write all of these fics, lol.
I know. :lol:
Anyway here it is.
Diego Varen
Sig created by Sabretooth
Chapter I
Jedi Master, Kyle Katarn slowly walked towards his former apprentice, Jaden Korr. Jaden had fallen to the dark side and he had become more powerful than his former master. He had also become much stronger than Luke Skywalker. Jaden used the Force to pull Marka Ragnos scepter to him. Kyle stopped immediately. He quickly held his arm to him, to protect himself from being killed. It didnt stop Jaden though. Jaden felt his new weapon shoot an orange beam at Kyle. The blast of the scepter blasted Kyle backwards. Jaden then used the scepter to blast a hole in the ceiling, causing several rocks to fall onto Kyle. The rocks landed on Kyle, trapping him. Jaden then used the scepter to blast a hole in the wall to escape. The wall was broken and Jaden leapt through the hole and left to find his X-Wing. Luke walked into the room, seeing the devastation of the battle that Jaden and Kyle had just had. Kyle crawled out of the rocks.
Kyle what happened here? Luke asked.
Luke helped Kyle up.
Jaden has turned to the dark side, Kyle told Luke, And he has taken the scepter.
And Rosh? Luke asked.
Dead, Kyle told Luke, Jaden killed him. He felt betrayed by Rosh and the anger was too strong for him to control.
Luke held his head in shame. He felt like he could cry. Kyle felt the same.
I misjudged him, Luke told Kyle, Im sorry Kyle.
I failed both my students Luke, Kyle told Luke, Maybe I shouldnt be teaching at the Academy. Its not like Ive been the perfect Jedi myself.
No Kyle, Luke interrupted, Yoda and Ben were both great teachers, yet even they lost students.
Luke then closed his eyes for a minute. He was thinking of Jaden. He opened his eyes.
I can still sense good in him, Luke told Kyle, Theres always hope Kyle. Remember that.
You maybe right, Kyle said, Well at least Tavion and her cult have been stopped, Ragnos wont be coming back.
But the scepter is too powerful. Luke told Kyle, We must find Jaden and destroy it.
Ill take care of it, Kyle told Luke, As my student, Jaden is my responsibility. If I find Jaden, Ill let you know.
Kyle was walking out of the tomb, when Luke called out to him.
Be careful, Luke told Kyle, If there is anything I can do to help.
I will. Kyle interrupted.
And may the Force be with you. Luke told Kyle.
Jaden found his X-Wing and left Korriban. The Jedi Order was now in tatters and the New Republic would soon be the same. Jaden approached the Star Destroyer where he had killed his best friend, Rosh Penin. As he landed inside, he arrived on the top floor. Several Imperial officers were working in the bridge of the Star Destroyer. As the door opened, the Imperial officers turned to see Jaden. The head officer walked towards Jaden. He had an angry look on his face.
Who the hell are you? He asked, You cant expect to
Jaden stopped him, by using the Force to choke the man. He grabbed onto the collar of his neck, trying to breathe.
Please let me go. The man choked.
As you wish. Jaden told the man.
He pressed the button on his Lightsaber. An orange blade appeared. He pushed his Lightsaber into the mans abdomen. The man yelled in pain. As he yelled, the mans face turned red and his body bled to death. Jaden smiled coldly. He pulled his Lightsaber out of the man and let the man collapse.
If anyone else wants to end up like his man here, you can try to kill me now. Go on! Jaden shouted at the other officers.
None of the other officers said a word. They didnt even breathe.
Good, Jaden told them, Now set a course for Dxun. There is something I must do.
Kyle set his ship, the Ravens Claw for autopilot to Coruscant. He put his hand on his face. He felt as if nobody could ever look at him again. He had failed. He had failed Rosh. He had failed the Academy. But most of all. Most of all he had failed Jaden. How could he not know that Jaden could fall to the dark side so easily? Had Kyles teachings failed Jaden? Had the fact that Rosh had once felt the dark side, made Jaden also feel the dark side? There was no answer to any of those questions. They would be answered soon enough.
The Star Destroyer came out of hyperspace. While the officers set their coordinates for Dxun, Jaden hung his head. He was thinking about the previous events that had happened. To Jaden, it had all flown by. One minute he had killed his best friend and then the next, he was on a Star Destroyer on its way to Dxun. Maybe Jaden was never meant to be a Jedi. Maybe he should never had built his first Lightsaber on Coruscant and travel to Yavin IV. His mind was questioning itself all the time. Jaden knew he couldnt undo all the damage now. He decided to swear his allegiance to the dark side. He had fallen. Now his goals in life were to destroy the Jedi and the New Republic. An officer walked towards Jaden.
Sir we are approaching Dxun. He told Jaden.
Excellent officer, Jaden muttered, But I want you to address me as my lord. Do you understand?
Yes my lord. He told Jaden.
Excellent, Jaden told the officer, You are dismissed.
Thank you. The officer said.
Dxun was in site.
Prepare a shuttle to take me down to Dxun, officer. Jaden told the officer.
As you wish my lord. The officer said finally.
Kyle landed on Coruscant. He got out and saw his former partner and lover, Jan Ors run out towards him. She greeted Kyle with wide-open arms. Kyle received the hug and they kissed each other on the cheek.
What are you doing here? Jan asked.
I have bad news Jan, Kyle told Jan, Jaden has fallen to the dark side.
What? Jan asked, Why?
Thats what Im asking myself all the time. Kyle told Jan.
He thought it was best not to tell Jan about how he fell. Kyle walked back to the Ravens Claw and waved to Jan. He was about to take off, when Jan stopped him.
I want to come with you. She told Kyle.
I cant let you come. Kyle told her, remembering the time when he believed she had been killed.
I know youre trying to look after me, but tough, Im coming, Jan told Kyle, getting into the Ravens Claw, Im here to help you, protect you.
I suppose theres no way to change your mind, Kyle said finally, sighing out loud, Okay then.
Kyle and Jan strapped themselves in and then left Coruscant.
Where do you think Jaden will be? Jan asked.
I dont know, Kyle told Jan, But well find him. Whether I have to go to the end of the Galaxy or not.
Jaden landed the shuttle on Dxuns surface. He had landed, right next to the tomb. He tried to open the tomb. It was locked. Suddenly, a spirit arrived in front of Jaden.
Why do you disturb me? The spirit asked, groaning.
I command you to open this tomb, spirit, otherwise I shall make your living death a lot worse. Jaden told the spirit.
I am no spirit! The spirit shouted, I am the Force ghost of the legendary Sith Lord, Freedon Nadd. Im sure you have heard of me?
I dont think so, spirit, Jaden told him, Now let me in!
Never! Nadd shouted, Only if you can become a true Sith, you can access my power.
Fine. Jaden sighed, Ill be back.
He walked off, back to his shuttle.
Stay tuned for Chapter II Dreams or Visions?
Me like.
Diego Varen
Me like.
Thanks Niner_777. When will you post the next Chapter of Amongst The Ruins? That is one of my favourite levels on Battlefront II. It might be because it it easy. :lol:
He, he. I'm working on it right now. *logs out and starts writing next chapter*
good job, Pottsie. glad youre not...well...forget that.
just one thing, if Jaden really fell, then his ego would have controoled him. how many people below vader have called him "anakin" or "vader" just like that? just an FYI. itd be better if you changed what jaden said to "call me my lord"
Diego Varen
good job, Pottsie. glad youre not...well...forget that.
just one thing, if Jaden really fell, then his ego would have controoled him. how many people below vader have called him "anakin" or "vader" just like that? just an FYI. itd be better if you changed what jaden said to "call me my lord"
Will do RC. Thanks for the advice. And yeah, we'll forget about that thing. Nobody ask about it. Anyway, I'll check out your next Chapter of Galactic Conquest.
Diego Varen
A bit shorter than my first Chapter, but still good. Kyle and Jan won't be back in it until Chapter IV.
Chapter II
Dreams or Visions?
Returning to the Star Destroyer, which Jaden now named the Echo, he assumed the captains dormitory as his own. He entered his new dormitory. It was quite large. It had several lockers, a large round table and a bed. He took off his tattered old Jedi robes that he wore and put them in one of the lockers. He got into bed and drifted off to sleep.
Jaden felt himself drift over a cold, icy Planet. Was it Hoth? Mygeeto? Or was it the polar regions of Telos? To Jaden, those icy Planets looked the same. He felt himself drift onto a high mountain. He felt himself drop onto the hard, cold floor. Ouch! He thought. He got up. The snowstorm blinded his sight. Suddenly, the snowstorm stopped around Jaden. He looked up to see an old woman next to him. She was a Force ghost, like Freedon Nadd was. She wore an old, black Jedi robe, which hid her face.
What are you doing here? She asked.
How the hell am I supposed to know? Jaden asked angrily.
You must be cold, with only your underwear on. The old woman told Jaden.
Well I am dreaming arent I, you old bat! Jaden shouted at her, What do you want anyway?
That is why I have brought you here, The old woman told Jaden, You have fallen to the dark side, as I had once. If you choose to follow that path, then I can help you.
Look I dont take advice from some broken old woman. Jaden told the old woman angrily.
My name is Kreia, I am over four thousand years old. She told Jaden.
This gets even better, Jaden told her, his anger rising, I especially dont need help from a four thousand year old woman.
I believe you shall become a Sith, Kreia told Jaden, But first, I can only set you off on the journey you are about to face. You will need a new identity, new robes and an apprentice.
Jaden noticed her, pick up some black robes. She gave them to Jaden, who snatched them off her.
This robe once belonged to the dark lord, Revan, who was once my apprentice, Kreia told Jaden.
Jaden put on his new robe. It felt really smooth and comfortable, considering it was over four thousand years old. Kreia then picked up an old, dusty Vibroblade.
Kneel. She told Jaden.
This better be worth my time you old bat! Jaden shouted.
Kneel! Kreia shouted.
Jaden kneeled on the ground. Kreia then placed the Vibroblade onto Jadens right shoulder.
You shall be now known as Darth Malus. She told Jaden, placing the Vibroblade on Jadens other shoulder.
Thank you old woman, Malus muttered, Now send me back.
As you wish. Kreia told Malus.
She shot a large bolt of lightning out of her hands at Malus. Malus felt himself leave the Planet.
Malus felt himself wake up in his bed. He noticed that it was the next day. He was wearing his new robe. He got up and walked over to his locker. He took out his Lightsaber and placed it in his belt. The door opened and the officer walked in.
Are you alright my lord? He asked.
I have a new name officer, Malus told the officer, Soon I shall be known as Darth Malus across the Galaxy. You shall still call me my lord or Malus. Your choice.
As you wish my lord, The officer said, By the way my name is Officer Starkiller.
I dont care what your name is, just get back to work! Malus told Officer Starkiller, I want to return to Korriban. There is something I must do there.
As you wish my lord. Officer Starkiller told Malus.
He walked out, while Jaden sat down to meditate on the cold floor.
Stay tuned for Chapter III The Sith Tomb
PS: Malus is Latin for evil.
Jason Skywalker
Good,good.Fall even deeper onto the Dark Side!Now really,good.Altough a bit short.
i like, surprising to see Kreia though lol, but good all the same .. now what fic is this one hmmm? lol, 11th? 12th? haha
(Perhaps there was an exxageration on that last part)
Diego Varen
i like, surprising to see Kreia though lol, but good all the same .. now what fic is this one hmmm? lol, 11th? 12th? haha
(Perhaps there was an exxageration on that last part)
I don't know :lol:. Anyway, I don't care about how many bad Fics I have wrote. Kreia won't be a main Character in my Fic, she will just be in this Chapter and the next. I mean in Sabretooth's, Exar Kun was Jaden's guide. Anyway, thanks for reading. I'll check out The Second Coming Of Evil, next time you update.
Diego Varen
Chapter III
The Sith Tomb
Malus took his shuttle to the surface of Korriban. The last time he was here, he was fighting his ex master, Kyle. Now that he was dead, the only Jedi left was Luke. Officer Starkiller came out of Malus shuttle and walked up to him.
Is everything alright my lord? He asked.
It it is of no concern, Malus told him, I must go to Ludo Kreshs tomb. I have been told to go.
Right away my lord, Officer Starkiller told Malus, Ill be waiting on the shuttle, waiting for your return.
Malus walked off, pulling his hood up, which covered his face. He entered the old Shyrack caves. It had a strong stench of death. Malus got out his orange Lightsaber and cut through several rocks. After clearing through, he eventually found Ludo Kreshs tomb. Malus opened the large tomb door easily. At least I can enter this tomb, He thought angrily. As soon as he entered the tomb, the door shut behind him. Malus felt cold. Then again, the power of the dark side was cold. Only some people could control its power. Like Malus. Malus continued to walk down the thin corridor, until he entered a large room. Luke stood there.
Jaden, I hate to admit it, but youve truly fallen. Luke told him.
Im no longer Jaden! Malus shouted, Im Darth Malus! Lord of the Sith!
Luke reached for his Lightsaber. A green blade came out.
So be it. Luke said.
Malus ran towards Luke and fought him. Luke was strong, but Malus was even stronger. Especially with the power of the dark side. Their Lightsabers clashed together, causing orange and green sparks bouncing off their blades. Malus anger raised, causing him to push Luke backwards angrily. Malus tried to stab Luke, but he rolled over to the side. Malus put his Lightsaber and away and let Luke run towards him. As soon as Luke was close enough, Malus shot a large bolt of lightning at Luke. Luke fell the ground, shouting out in pain. Malus continued to hurt him and his power increased as Luke shouted. Eventually Luke stopped shouting. He should have died, but instead he disappeared. As soon as he disappeared, Malus heard several people running behind him. They were New Republic Troopers. Their Blaster Rifles were raised at Malus.
What happened to Master Skywalker? One of them asked.
Youll find out soon enough. Malus told the Trooper.
He gripped the Trooper. He tried to loosen his collar to breathe, but he was killed. The other Troopers walked backwards. Fear. Malus didnt care for cowards. They had to die. The Troopers tried to run off, but Malus shot a large bolt of lightning at them. Like Luke they disappeared. What was this tomb? Malus thought angrily, There was something strange about it. Nobody died in this tomb. A shame, he thought. It was time to leave, until he heard a voice behind.
Youre not going anywhere. A voice groaned.
And what makes you think you can stop me? Malus asked.
Because I was once your best friend. The voice groaned.
Rosh? Rosh Penin? Now this was strange. Malus turned round.
I killed you once Rosh, Malus told Rosh, I can kill you again.
Malus leapt up high in the air and landed behind Rosh. Rosh immediately looked behind him, but Jaden stabbed him.
You were just as weak as before! Malus shouted at Rosh.
He took his Lightsaber out of Rosh and they continued to stare at each other. Rosh groaned out loud as he disappeared. It was over. Malus prepared to leave. Hopefully forever.
How was the test? Kreias voice echoed in Malus head.
Test? Malus asked, his voice rising, Test! What are doing in my head?
I can enter your thoughts whenever I please. Kreia told Malus.
Dont bother in the future old woman! Malus shouted.
Kreia didnt reply. That showed her, Malus thought. He left the tomb.
As soon as Malus came out of the cave, Officer Starkiller ran up to him.
Are you alright my lord? He asked.
That tomb has changed me Officer, Malus told him, But no matter, we should leave.
Where to? Officer Starkiller asked.
Ill think about it. Malus told him.
Malus walked into his shuttle, with Officer Starkiller following him.
Several hours later, Malus was meditating in his dormitory. He was thinking about everything that had happened. His power was increasing and soon he would rule the Galaxy. The door opened.
What do you want Officer? He asked.
Im not your Officer, A man said, Im here for a very important reason.
Malus got up and turned to see a Kel Dor.
Who are you? Malus asked.
My name is Darth Caos. He told Malus, I swear my allegiance to you.
Caos bent on his knee, bowing to Malus. Malus felt great. Now he was being followed.
Excellent, Malus said finally, You shall be my first apprentice. Darth Caos.
Caos got up off the floor.
Stay tuned for Chapter IV The search for Jaden
Jason Skywalker
Hmm,Kel Dor.You took that idea from me.Just kidding,and it's good,they are just shorter than usual.
another nice chapter .. i like how theyre are not small chapters, but not long ones either ... it can get annoying how there can be the extremely 15 minute chapters to read lol, keep the good work up :D
I just finished reading chapters two and three. I'm not much of a critic, but I can tell you that they were good. However, it seemed like everything happened really fast. I don't know if you meant it to be like that or not.
Btw, I just posted chapter three of Amongst the Ruins. I know this is Pottsie's fic, but check it out. :)
Diego Varen
Niner_777: Sorry about that thing happening so fast. I've checked out Amongst the Ruins and like you, I also tell people to check out my Fics.
Jason Skywalker: Yeah I did. I couldn't decide between a Kel Dor or a Twi'lek. So I chose Kel Dor.
Mr_BFA: I have to agree with you about length of some Chapters. Some seem to take forever to read. What does BFA stand for anyway?
Thanks for all your comments, Chapter IV coming soon. Hopefully a lot longer as well.
I have to agree with Niner. It was a little fast. I suggest slowly down and somehow organize a more gentler means of transition from one plot to the next. It's easier on the mind. It's looking good though and I hope you are able to finish this one :D
Diego Varen
I hope you are able to finish this one :D
I agree with that. Chapter IV I'm currently writing and will include a cameo from a certain Star Wars Original Trilogy Character that hasn't been in either Jedi Outcast or Jedi Academy.
Sorry about that thing happening so fast.
No problem.
Jason Skywalker
It's Vader,isn't it?No,wait,The Emperor!
Diego Varen
It's Vader,isn't it?No,wait,The Emperor!
No. It is someone who was played by:
Harrison Ford
Diego Varen
While you are waiting for Chapter IV, here are the bios of the Characters you've seen so far. I may post bios.
Name: Darth Malus (Jaden Korr)
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Blue
Hair Colour: Brown
Class: Sith Lord
Favourite Weapon(s): Lightsaber
Lightsaber Colour(s): Orange then Red
Favourite Ship(s): The Ravens Claw/The Echo/X-Wing/Tie Fighter
Favourite Force Power(s): Battle Meditation/Force Lightning/Force Grip
Master(s): Kyle Katarn
Apprentice(s): Darth Caos
Homeworld: Coruscant
Political Affiliation: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Allies: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Enemies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Name: Kyle Katarn
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Brown
Hair Colour: Brown with slight shades of grey
Class: Jedi Guardian
Favourite Weapon(s): Lightsaber
Lightsaber Colour(s): Blue
Favourite Ship(s): The Ravens Claw
Favourite Force Power(s): Force Protect
Master(s): Luke Skywalker
Apprentice(s): Jaden Korr/Rosh Penin
Homeworld: Sulon
Political Affiliation: Jedi Order
Allies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Enemies: Imperial Remnant/Sith
Name: Jan Ors
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Brown
Hair Colour: Brown
Class: Scout
Favourite Weapon(s): E-11 Blaster Rifle
Favourite Ship(s): The Ravens Claw
Homeworld: Alderaan
Political Affiliation: New Republic
Allies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Enemies: Imperial Remnant/Sith
Name: Darth Caos
Species: Kel Dor
Eye Colour: Black
Hair Colour: None
Class: Sith Marauder
Favourite Weapon(s): Dual Lightsabers
Lightsaber Colour(s): Red
Favourite Ship(s): The Echo
Favourite Force Power(s): Force Rage
Master(s): Darth Malus
Apprentice(s): None
Homeworld: Krildor
Political Affiliation: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Allies: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Enemies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Name: Officer Starkiller
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Hazel
Hair Colour: Grey
Class: Officer
Favourite Weapon(s): Imperial Heavy Repeater
Favourite Ship(s): The Echo
Homeworld: Tatooine
Political Affiliation: Imperial Remnant
Allies: Imperial Remnant/Sith
Enemies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Name: Luke Skywalker
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Blue
Hair Colour: Blonde
Class: Jedi Master
Favourite Weapon(s): Lightsaber
Lightsaber Colour(s): Green
Favourite Ship(s): X-Wing
Favourite Force Power(s): Force Heal
Master(s): Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi/Yoda
Apprentice(s): Many Students including Kyle Katarn
Homeworld: Born on Polis Massa/Raised on Tatooine
Political Affiliation: Jedi Order
Allies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Enemies: Imperial Remnant/Sith
Diego Varen
Chapter IV
The search for Jaden
Where are we going? Jan asked.
Correlia, Kyle told her, Perhaps Han can help me.
The Ravens Claw landed in the busy city of Cornet. Many people were about on Cornet. Humans, Rodians, Twileks, Bith, Kel Dor and Zabraks were one of the many species that came to the Cornet. Now where is Han? Kyle thought, He last told me that if I need to see him, he would be on Correlia. Kyle decided that he should go to the local cantina. Perhaps Han would be there. Kyle and Jan were about to enter when an Aqualish bouncer stopped them.
You come in here, as long as you dont cause any trouble.
We wont cause any trouble and we can enter Kyle said, waving his hand at the Aqualish.
You wont cause any trouble and you can enter. The bouncer told them.
Kyle and Jan entered the cantina.
What did you do? Jan asked.
Lets just say Ive influenced him. Kyle told Jan.
The cantina looked great. Several Bith musicians played their instruments and local Podraces could be watched on the loud view screen. Those were just some of the things that could entertain people.
You go get a table, while I get some drinks, Kyle told Jan, What do you want?
Correlian Ale please. Jan told Kyle.
Okay then, Kyle told Jan, Ill be back soon.
Kyle went over to the counter. There was nobody at the counter. A Chiss bartender came over to Kyle.
What can I get for you sir? He asked, noticing Kyles Lightsaber in his belt.
A Correlian Ale and a Juma Juice. Kyle told him.
Of course Jedi sirs. The Chiss bartender told Kyle.
In clean glasses please. Kyle added.
The bartender put his current dirty glasses down and got out two clean ones. He put his glasses to warm up under the boiler.
It will be about two minutes, The bartender told Kyle, Do you seek informations?
I do, Kyle told the bartender, Have you seen a young man, who carried a Lightsaber and a large scepter?
Im sorry sir, but I havent seen any men of what you speak. The bartender told Kyle.
Both Kyle and the bartender heard a beep. The drinks were ready. The bartender got the drinks and gave them to Kyle.
Thanks. Kyle told the bartender, handing him twenty-five Credits.
Kyle took his drinks and returned to the table. He gave Jan her Correlian Ale and Kyle sat down.
Han Solo approached the local cantina. It was busy as always. He was about to enter the cantina, when the bouncer stopped him.
You come in here, as long as you dont cause any trouble.
Okay okay. Han told the bouncer.
He entered the cantina. Definitely busy, Han thought.
Kyle took both his and Jans glasses away. He returned them to the counter and when he turned around, he noticed Han entering the cantina. He walked up to Han.
Hey Han, you alright? Kyle asked.
Couldnt be better Kyle, Han told him, What are you doing here anyway?
I was looking for information. Kyle told Han.
Information on what? Han asked.
Come to my table, Kyle told him, We can talk more there.
Kyle led Han to his and Jans table. Kyle sat down.
Well hello Jan, Han said, Are you alright?
Yeah. Jan told him.
Listen Han, we need your help, Kyle told Han, Sit down and well explain everything.
Malus started to train his new apprentice. Caos was strong with his two Lightsabers, but lacked in power and speed. How could he be of any use to Malus? It was no matter. Many Sith in the past were always weak in some part of their training. Malus sent out a group of formidable Droids to attack his apprentice. Caos ignited his two red Lightsabers and waited for the Droids to attack. Soon, they all started to attack. Caos got into a rage and started to attack the Droids.
Good, good, let the hate flow through you. Malus told his new Apprentice.
One of the Droids shot at Caos shoulder. He yelled out loud and started to destroy the Droid. His anger raised and he ran to destroy the other Droids. The Droids had no chance against him. The Droids were killed in a minute. The Droids fell to the ground. Caos smiled and he put his Lightsabers away.
Excellent my young apprentice, Malus told Caos, Training is over for now.
Malus and Caos left the training room.
Kyle, Jan and Han left the cantina. Han had told them in the cantina, that he decided not to go with Kyle and Jan, but promised them that if he heard anything of or about Jaden, then he would tell them straight away. Kyle and Jan returned to the Ravens Claw. They got in and left Cornet. As soon as they left, Jan asked Kyle a question.
If Jaden has fallen to the dark side, how come he isnt looking for you?
He believes me to be dead. Kyle told Jan.
Oh. Jan said.
This may prove to be an advantage to us. Kyle added.
So where do we go now? Jan asked.
Coruscant, Kyle told Jan, We must find Jadens parents and tell them the bad news.
Malus entered the bridge of the Echo. His apprentice was by his side. Officer Starkiller greeted them.
Lord Malus, a group of Stormtroopers have called us asking for your help. Officer Starkiller told them.
Leave the fools to their fate, Malus told him, Where are these Stormtroopers?
Tatooine my lord, Officer Starkiller told him, A small squadron of New Republic troopers are attacking them. I suggest you should help them.
I grow tired of you Officer, Malus told Officer Starkiller, If it will make you feel any happier Ill go.
They will appreciate that my lord. Officer Starkiller told him.
Master, can I come? Caos asked eagerly.
No, you stay here and complete your training. Malus told him.
Yes my lord. Caos said.
Caos left for the training room and Malus prepared to take his shuttle to Tatooine.
The Ravens Claw landed on Coruscant. Kyle and Jan got out. Coruscant was as peaceful as ever. A Droid walked up to them.
Welcome to Coruscant, can I help you both?
Yes, can you tell me where the Korr family live? Kyle asked.
One moment please, The Droid told Kyle, Scanning. Scanning. Im sorry sir, but the Korr family left a short while ago.
Kyle sighed.
Do you know where they are now? He asked.
I believe they decided to live on Naboo in the city of Theed. The Droid told Kyle.
Thank you. Kyle told the Droid.
Kyle and Jan returned to the Ravens Claw.
Lets go. Kyle told Jan.
The Ravens Claw left Coruscant and was on its way to Naboo.
Stay tuned for Chapter V Stormtroopers Revolt
Jason Skywalker
Good chapter.I'm guessing the Stormtroopers are lying since you posted the chapter's name.
Diego Varen
Good chapter.I'm guessing the Stormtroopers are lying since you posted the chapter's name.
Possibly. You'll have to wait and see. I'm starting to write that Chapter now.
That was a good chapter. I liked how you slowed down a little in the cantina and put in some dialogue. Also, I liked the description of the cantina. I could picture it in my head. Great job.
Diego Varen
That was a good chapter. I liked how you slowed down a little in the cantina and put in some dialogue. Also, I liked the description of the cantina. I could picture it in my head. Great job.
Thanks. I always imagined the cantina to be similar to the one from Jedi Outcast on Nar Shaddaa.
Diego Varen
Chapter IV
Stormtroopers Revolt
The shuttle landed on Tatooine. Malus got out of his shuttle and got a message on his comlink. It was from the leader of the Stormtroopers.
Lord Malus, the New Republic are coming in too fast. You must help us. We are near the Sarlacc in the Dune Sea.
Just dont die on me. Malus told the leader angrily.
We wont my lord. The leader told Malus.
Malus turned his comlink off and returned to his shuttle. Inside was a speeder bike. He got on the speeder bike and sped off to the Dune Sea.
A mysterious man watched the Stormtroopers planning to wait for their leader, Malus. What were they doing? The man thought, Stormtroopers werent the type of Troops who would wait for their leader. However the man knew this was strange. He decided to wait for Malus to arrive and see what would happen next.
Malus Speeder Bike started to slow down. It had run out of fuel. Blast! Malus thought angrily, This has been a dangerous waste of time. He also had to stop in the worst part of Tatooine. Tusken Raider territory. He heard a Tusken Raider call behind him. Malus ignited his orange Lightsaber and attacked the Tusken Raider. There were more Tusken Raiders. They all got out their Gaffi Sticks and tried to attack Malus. Malus gripped one of the Tusken Raiders and threw him onto the others. They all fell over. Malus threw his Lightsaber at two of the other Tusken Raiders. There were five more Tusken Raiders remaining. The five remaining Tusken Raiders tried to surround Malus, however Malus leapt out and killed a Tusken Raider. Four more left. The remaining four Tusken Raiders got out their Rifles and tried to shoot at Malus. Malus blocked all the shots and stabbed one of the Tusken Raiders. Three more left. Two of the Tusken Raiders tried to run away, but Malus threw his Lightsaber and the Tusken Raiders. One more left. Malus gripped the remaining Tusken Raider and waited until he died. Malus had no time to lose. He sped off into the distance, hoping he could still save the Stormtroopers.
The mysterious man could overhear the Stormtroopers plan. It didnt sound good. The man thought it would be best to assassinate the leader of the group. The man got out his Sniper Rifle and he prepared to fire. He was about to fire, when he heard a Tusken Raider. The man quickly threw his Sniper Rifle away and grabbed his Lightsaber. A red blade ignited from the Lightsaber. The man quickly blocked the Gaffi Stick and stabbed the Tusken Raider. Several more Tusken Raiders closed in on the man. He knew that Tusken Raider territory was dangerous.
Sir, Lord Malus is approaching. A Stormtrooper shouted.
Excellent, The leader of the Stormtroopers said, Reload your weapons. This assassination shall be short and quick.
Malus approached the small group of Stormtroopers. There were two groups aboard two Desert Skiffs right above the Sarlacc. The leader of the Stormtroopers noticed Malus approaching.
Ah Lord Malus, please come aboard.
Where are the New Republic Troops? Malus asked.
You fool! The leader shouted, There are no New Republic Troops.
What? Malus asked, his anger rising.
We have business we need to discuss. The leader told Malus.
What business? Malus asked angrily.
As Malus and the leader spoke, a Stormtrooper slowly approached Malus. Malus could feel the Stormtroopers presence behind him and Malus immediately ignited his Lightsaber. As he did, it killed the Stormtrooper.
Attack! The leader shouted.
The Stormtroopers shot at Malus. Malus nearly fell off the edge, but he leapt backwards onto the other Desert Skiff. The Stormtroopers there werent expecting it and Malus killed them all. Malus leapt back to the other Desert Skiff and killed all the Stormtroopers there, except the leader.
Send more reinforcements! The leader shouted into his comlink.
As soon as the leader had shouted that, a large army of Stormtroopers approached Malus. Malus felt really angry now.
Why have you done this to me? He asked angrily.
We dont like your leadership Malus. The leader told Malus.
Before Malus decided to kill the leader, he asked him one final question.
Is all the Imperial Remnant against me?
No, just us. The leader told Malus.
Malus gripped the leader and threw him into the Sarlacc. Just as Malus watched him being digested into the Sarlacc, a Stormtrooper fired a rocket from his Merr-Sonn PLX-2M Portable Missile System at the Desert Skiff. Malus leapt onto the other Desert Skiff. Another Stormtrooper from behind fired a rocket from his Merr-Sonn PLX-2M Portable Missile System. Malus leapt backwards onto the ground. The Stormtroopers closed in onto Malus. Malus raised his Lightsaber high, preparing to attack. The Stormtroopers fired at Malus. Malus shot a large bolt of lightning at the Stormtroopers, killing a fifth of their entire army. The Stormtroopers continued to fire at Malus.
Meanwhile, the mysterious man killed all the Tusken Raiders above. He turned off his Lightsaber and turned around. He noticed Malus being attacked down below. It was time to help him. The man was about to go down, when a large group of Stormtroopers stopped him.
Malus blocked all the Stormtroopers shots, killing them in the process. The only way he could stay alive was by forcing himself into a rage, causing him to be invincible to incoming shots. He was near the Sarlacc. Suddenly, one of the Stormtroopers shot at Malus hand. Malus dropped his Lightsaber and it fell into the Sarlacc. That was the second Lightsaber he had lost. He had no more weapons left. The only weapon he could use now was his scepter. Malus shot his scepter at a large group of Stormtroopers, killing another fifth of the army. Malus was losing power fast and his scepter was running out of power. A Stormtrooper shot at Malus and he dropped his scepter, which disappeared like that time in the Sith Tomb. This was Malus moment of weakness. He should have killed the Stormtroopers by now. They were too strong for Malus though. Everyone in the Stormtroopers army raised their Blaster Rifles. They were about to shoot, when a mysterious man leapt into the middle and pushed his Lightsaber into the ground. It caused a mild earthquake, killing all the Stormtroopers. The man wore crimson robes. He had a weird shaped head, for a Human and he had dark black eyebrows and dark brown eyes.
Who are you? Malus asked.
Im RedHawke, The man told Malus, I was once a spy for Desann and his apprentice, Tavion.
If I had a Lightsaber right now, I would kill you! Malus shouted at RedHawke.
RedHawke handed him a red Lightsaber.
Go ahead, RedHawke told Malus, If it would help you.
Malus decided not to.
You may be of some use to me, Malus told RedHawke.
That is why Im here Lord Malus. RedHawke told Malus.
How do you know my name? Malus asked RedHawke.
I know many things Malus, RedHawke told Malus, As a spy and Shadow Lord of the Sith, I do know many things. I want to become your humble servant.
Malus thought for a moment. There was something strange about this RedHawke. He seemed just as powerful as Malus. It was no matter. Malus thought that he could be useful.
Come with me, Malus told RedHawke, We must return to my shuttle.
Ive a Speeder Bike to get us there, RedHawke told Malus, Follow me.
RedHawke led Malus to his Speeder Bike on top of a cliff. Both Malus and RedHawke got on and sped off into the distance.
Stay tuned for Chapter V The Korr Family
Diego Varen
RedHawke (Shadow Lord of the Sith) is in tribute of our Moderator of the KOTOR Forum.
Cool. There could have been more detail in the destroying of the stormtrooper army. You know how you want it though. :)
Seeing your success makes me think that I should work on mine, lol.
Diego Varen
Influence Gained: Niner_777.
Thanks for the quick reply. If I can be bothered, I may edit that Chapter and add more detail like you said. Personally, I thought that Chapter is my best Chapter I've wrote for this Fic so far.
Jason Skywalker
Good chapter.I like the way you are putting RedHawke in it.
Diego Varen
Influence Gained: Jason Skywalker.
RedHawke was just an idea of mine. He is supposed to be as powerful as Malus, but will he kill Malus for Lord of the Sith? We'll find out. I wonder if RedHawke notices he's in a Fic. If not, maybe I'll have to PM him and tell him or see if one of the other Mods notice.
Jason Skywalker
Yep,you're influencing me.Short time,and i'm a Jedi Guardian,lol.
Diego Varen
Yep,you're influencing me.Short time,and i'm a Jedi Guardian,lol.
I'm always a Jedi Consular. They're the best to me (In my opinion). The best combinations for me are Scout/Jedi Consular for KOTOR and Jedi Consular/Jedi Master for TSL.
Diego Varen
Chapter VI
The Korr Family
The Ravens Claw landed in a spaceport near the busy city of Theed on Naboo. It was still a beautiful city, considering its rule under the Galactic Empire several years before. Kyle and Jan got out of the Ravens Claw.
Where do you think the Korrs live? Jan asked.
Kyle looked around. Where would you find a small family in Theed?
I dont know, He told Jan, Perhaps we could go to the palace and talk to the local King and Queen. They may know.
Lucky for Kyle and Jan, they had landed in a spaceport near the palace. Kyle and Jan left the spaceport and entered the main city of Theed. The palace was to the left of them. They noticed two New Republic guards guarding the door.
Do you think they will let us in? Jan asked.
Hopefully they will Jan. Kyle told her.
Kyle walked up the steps, with Jan following him. They arrived next to the guards.
What do you want? One of the guards asked.
We need information, Kyle told the guard, On the Korr family. We was wondering if the King and Queen knew where they lived.
Is it urgent? The other guard asked.
Yes. Kyle told the other guard.
Well if its urgent, the Korr family live in the backstreets of Theed, The first guard told Kyle, Its number twenty five.
Thank you. Kyle told the guards.
Kyle and Jan left the palace and tried to locate the backstreets of Theed.
After several minutes of looking, Kyle and Jan found the backstreets of Theed. They were isolated from the rest of Theed, but people occasionally walked down there. The houses were smaller than the large ones near the palace. Soon, Kyle found number twenty five. He knocked on the door. An elderly woman opened the door.
Hello, can I help you? She asked nervously.
My name is Kyle Katarn, He told her, This is my partner Jan Ors. Im a Jedi and I was your sons Master.
You know Jaden? She asked, Please come in. Ill call my husband down.
Kyle and Jan entered the house. It was a clean house and it had many pictures of Jaden. Many of them from when he was young and others before he left the Academy. A Protocol Droid and an Astromech Droid entered the room.
Hello there. The Protocol Droid told Kyle and Jan, My name is JK-47 and this is my counterpart, RC-62.
RC-62 beeped out loudly.
Dont be rude to our guests RC, JK told him, Please sit down. Our Masters will be here to see you shortly.
RC asked Kyle and Jan if they wanted anything to drink.
No thanks. Kyle and Jan told RC at the same time.
The elderly woman and an elderly man entered the room.
Droids leave us. The man told the Droids.
As you wish, JK told them, Come on RC.
As soon as JK and RC left the room, the elderly man and woman sat down.
My wife, Michaela has told me that you are Jadens Master, He told Kyle, Im Lordo.
Its nice to meet you. Jan told them.
Who are you? Lordo asked.
Im Jan Ors, Kyles partner, Jan told him, However Im no Jedi.
Before either Lordo or Michaela could say anything, Kyle started to speak.
Im here to tell you some very bad news, Kyle started, Your son has fallen to the dark side.
Both Kyle and Jan noticed Michaela crying slightly. Lordo tried to comfort each his wife.
Thats not true. Michaela stammered.
Im afraid it is, Kyle told her, feeling like crying as well, I am trying to find him and bring him back to the light.
I hope you succeed. Michaela told Kyle.
She left the room. Lordo stayed.
Were sorry about this. Jan told Lordo.
Its okay, He told Jan, Its just hard to believe Jaden has fallen to the dark side. He was a kind, helpful kid.
Michaela returned to the room. Kyle decided to try and comfort them.
Why did you decide to live on Naboo? Kyle asked.
When Jaden left for Yavin IV to join the Jedi, we decided to sell our apartment on Coruscant, Michaela told Kyle, After all those years of living in the heart of the Empire, we needed to a new life. So we decided to come here.
Its a nice home. Jan told her.
Thanks. Michaela said.
Lordo walked over to a small locker. It contained three datapads. He handed them to Kyle.
These are datapads that he wrote about his life, He told Kyle, I thought you might like to look at them.
Kyle nodded a thank you, to Lordo and started to take a look at a datapad. It was written when Jaden was nine.
The Galactic Empire has kept us inside our apartment. It is like we are being guarded all the time. I need to be out. Being kept inside is harsh to all the people on Coruscant. The Emperor has some harsh rules. I hope that the Empire disbands and the Republic returns to power.
Kyle took a look at the next journal.
For me, today is a great day in my life. The Empire has been defeated by the Rebel Alliance and rumours are that the Rebel Alliance shall become the New Republic and that the Jedi shall return. My new dream is to become a Jedi Knight like the Jedi before my time. For now, Ive built a Protocol Droid and an Astromech Droid to help my parents out. They are JK-47 and RC-62.
Kyle took a look at the final journal.
Im leaving for the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV to become a Jedi Knight. I hope to do some good to the Galaxy. I hope to get rid of the remnants of the Empire and bring peace to the Galaxy. I shall miss my parents and my Droids, but I know they shall be fine.
Kyle thought the last journal was the saddest. Jadens dream was to become a Jedi and get rid of the Imperial Remnant. Now Kyle knew that Jaden would never complete his dream.
Keep them Master Jedi, Lordo told Kyle, We have no use for them.
Thanks. Kyle told Lordo.
I think its best we leave. Jan told Kyle.
If we bring your son back to the light, well let you know. Kyle told Lordo and Michaela.
Wed appreciate that. Michaela told Kyle.
Kyle and Jan got up and left the house.
They returned to the Ravens Claw and prepared to leave Naboo. As the Ravens Claw entered space, Jan asked Kyle a question.
Where are we going now?
Wherever the Force decides to take us. Kyle told her.
Stay tuned for Chapter VII Reunion
Jason Skywalker
Solid chapter with a good plot.I like the journal part.And also,i wonder if you will make the ending similar to JK-DQ.
Diego Varen
Solid chapter with a good plot.I like the journal part.And also,i wonder if you will make the ending similar to JK-DQ.
Thanks. We'll have to wait and see about the ending. And that won't be for another 54 Chapters. Chapter VII coming soon.
Jason Skywalker
54 chapters?I give you two weeks.
Diego Varen
What, two weeks to finish this Fanfic? I doubt it. It would take me about three months to finish this, without starting another one.
PS. This is my best and most favourite Fanfic I have wrote so far. I'm glad both you, Niner_777 and everyone else who has read this Fanfic like it. I also beg anyone else who has read it but hasn't replied, please reply.
Jason Skywalker
It is possible.Heck,once a guy posted about 2000 posts in one month!And it's okay.As long you keep reviweing mine.Just for you to know,Chapter III will be a little shorter because Chapter IV will be the aftermath.
Diego Varen
Whoever that guy was, must have been more of an Internet Junkie than me. And about Chapter 3 and 4, okay.
PS. When you post, it helps to put a space after commas, full stops, etc. You don't do this in your Fanfic.
Jason Skywalker
I don't? I think i did put spaces on the fic. Every thing red, bam, space.
Good dialogue. The journal really added some depth to the plot. Nice job.
Btw, Jason, who was that that got 2000 posts in a month. I've only gotten like 100 in a month, lol.
Jason Skywalker
It's from another forum.
Off-Topic:200 posts!
Diego Varen
Good dialogue. The journal really added some depth to the plot. Nice job.
Btw, Jason, who was that that got 2000 posts in a month. I've only gotten like 100 in a month, lol.
Thanks. I've lost count of how many posts, I've done in a month. I come on here at least once every day.
The only other forum that I'm a part of is CameraHacking.com, lol. (I like to hack cameras.) There I only have a few posts. (I don't know much about it. :D)
EDIT: Sorry for the offtopicness, lol.
Diego Varen
The only other forum that I'm a part of is CameraHacking.com, lol. (I like to hack cameras.) There I only have a few posts. (I don't know much about it. :D)
EDIT: Sorry for the offtopicness, lol.
It's okay. Many people talk offtopic in CEC Fanfics and Arts. What good would Camera hacking do (Other than hacking Cameras). Isn't it against the law?
I'm not sure if it's against the law. I don't hink so. Recently, I've hacked a single use digital camera into a reuseable digital camera. This makes it so instead of having to pay twenty dollars for twenty five pictures you can reuse the twenty dollar camera over and over again, and not have to pay for prints.
I've also flipped a coin using a camera flash and made a repeating strobe. Stuff like that. I've also tried to make a nightvision camera, but the results have been fuzzy.
i just read the last two chapters, and all i got to say is great ... its a really enjoyable read
Diego Varen
i just read the last two chapters, and all i got to say is great ... its a really enjoyable read
Thanks Mr_BFA, I just have one question you haven't answered. What does BFA stand for, if it does stand for anything?
Diego Varen
I'm currently writing Chapter VII.
Diego Varen
Chapter VII
Malus and RedHawke returned to the Echo. It had been upgraded to a Super Star Destroyer. Now the Echo was the leading Star Destroyer, leading a legion of over one hundred Star Destroyers. Caos greeted Malus, but gave RedHawke a weird look.
My lord who is your friend? Caos asked.
This is RedHawke, Malus told Caos, He was a spy for Desann and Tavion.
I have pledged my service to Lord Malus, RedHawke told Caos, Now if you dont mind, I shall get settled into my new home.
RedHawke left, while Malus made his way to the throne room of the Echo. Caos followed him.
My lord, I cant trust him. Caos told Malus.
Nor can I, Malus told Caos, But anyone who swears their allegiance to me may prove useful. Like you. If I had no use for you, I would have killed you the first time I met you. Now I want to hear no more about RedHawke.
Yes my lord. Caos said.
I need to return to Yavin IV and tell Luke about what has happened so far. Kyle told Jan.
Okay. Jan said.
Kyle pressed a button to enter hyperspace.
Immediately after exiting hyperspace, Kyle and Jan noticed a legion of over one hundred Star Destroyers, led by a Super Star Destroyer ahead.
Oh my god. Kyle muttered.
Shall we turn back? Jan asked.
No, Kyle told her, We can make it past this legion.
Jan didnt share Kyles enthusiasm.
Trust me. Kyle added.
As Kyle prepared to drive the Ravens Claw, he was surprised that the Star Destroyers hadnt tried to destroy them.
Officer Starkiller entered Malus throne room. He held a small datapad.
My lord, a small ship is trying to pass our legion, He told Malus, Would you like us to shoot it down.
Malus snatched the datapad off Officer Starkiller. He took a look at the datapad. It showed a ship, he hadnt seen for a while. He threw it back to Officer Starkiller.
No, Malus told Officer Starkiller, Put a tractor beam on it and tell the Stormtroopers to set their guns on stun.
Yes my lord. Officer Starkiller said.
He was about to leave, when Malus stopped him.
Oh and tell Caos to greet our guests, if they dont prove hostile. Malus added.
Yes my lord. Officer Starkiller said.
Kyle felt the dark side on the Star Destroyers, as he drove the Ravens Claw, trying to avoid them. Suddenly, both Kyle and Jan heard the noise of a tractor beam, locking onto the Ravens Claw. Both Kyle and Jan knew they couldnt break free from the tractor beam.
Officer Starkiller returned to see Malus. Malus was eagerly waiting for his new visitors to arrive.
How soon will the Ravens Claw be here? Malus asked.
Soon enough my lord. Officer Starkiller told Malus.
Good, Malus told Officer Starkiller, I think our guests will be people I once knew.
As the Ravens Claw docked inside the Super Star Destroyer, Kyle and Jan waited in the Ravens Claw. They heard a voice from the outside.
You can come out of your ship! A voice shouted, For the moment you are guests, not our enemies.
Kyle prepared to get out of the Ravens Claw.
What are you doing? Jan asked, How can you even trust them?
Trust my judgement Jan, Kyle told her, If Jaden is here, I must know.
Maybe that is why we havent been killed yet, Kyle thought. Kyle got out of the Ravens Claw first, then Jan got out. An army of Stormtroopers greeted them, along with a Sith. The Sith spoke.
My name is Darth Caos, apprentice of Darth Malus, who you know as Jaden Korr, wants to keep you alive, for the moment.
Isnt that nice of him. Kyle told Caos.
A little too nice I think. Jan added.
My Master has his ways, Caos told them, Now please follow me.
Kyle and Jan decided it was the best action. They followed Caos, up several flights of staircases and Caos had led them to a cellblock.
More hospitality? Kyle asked sarcastically.
Be grateful we didnt shoot you out of the sky, Caos told Kyle angrily, Now go into your cell!
"Touchy." Jan added.
Kyle and Jan went in. Considering it was a cell, it was quite large. It had two beds, a computer terminal and several lockers.
My Master shall see you, when he feels like it. Caos told Kyle and Jan.
The door shut behind them. Kyle collapsed onto one of the beds. Jan felt like doing the same.
What do we do now? Jan asked.
I dont know, Kyle told her, I would like to meet with Jaden again, then we can find the hangar controls and then we can escape.
Wouldnt that be suicide? Jan asked.
Exactly. Kyle told her.
Officer Starkiller was showing Malus the security footage of Kyle and Jan talking. How did Kyle survive? It seemed strange that he had survived the Malus attack several months ago. Why didnt he also get another apprentice? That would've been the wisest thing to do.
Tell Caos, that I request the meeting now. Malus told Officer Starkiller, Im anxious to meet my Master again.
Officer Starkiller wanted to ask why, but he followed his orders.
As you wish my lord. Officer Starkiller told Malus.
Kyle and Jan heard the door open. Caos was here.
My Master wants to meet with you. Caos told them.
Finally. Kyle muttered.
Oh and my Master would appreciate it, if he you could call him Darth Malus, Caos added, He hates hearing his former name.
Caos led Kyle and Jan to a large throne room. Like the hangar bay, it had an army of Stormtroopers. At the far end of the throne room, was a large black chair. That must be where Jaden sat, Kyle thought. Kyle and Jan noticed Jaden enter. He sure had changed since Kyle had fought him on Korriban. His old Jedi Robes were now replaced with dark black Robes. Jaden sat down. It was quiet for several minutes, until Kyle broke the silence.
Hello Jaden.
Dont ever call me that. Im Darth Malus, Lord of the Sith! Malus shouted.
Please come back to the light, Kyle told Malus, Face up to what youve done. Luke and I can help you.
Dont tell me Master Skywalker is still alive, Malus sighed, Couldnt you and him die on Korriban.
Kyle was shocked at what he was hearing. Jaden had fallen so far to speak of both him and Luke like this.
Im surprised you havent asked me how I survived. Kyle told Malus.
I have wondered how you survived, Malus told Kyle, But you surviving made sense. You always were strong in the Force. Kyle, join me and together we can destroy the Jedi and the Republic, then we can rule the Galaxy.
Ill never join the dark side, Kyle told Malus confidently, The Sith killed my father, they manipulate
More Jedi lies, Malus sighed, I knew you wouldnt join me. Now because of this outrage, I shall kill both you and Jan.
Malus ignited his red Lightsaber and leapt towards Kyle. Kyle immediately blocked the attack with his blue Lightsaber.
Run Jan! Kyle shouted, Find the hangar controls! Ill catch up with you!
Jan did what he said and shot several Stormtroopers. She ran past the Stormtroopers and ran off. Kyle meanwhile fought with his former apprentice. Their Lightsabers clashed.
Youve become weaker Kyle, Malus told him, Perhaps the scepter did some damage to you.
Maybe, maybe not. Kyle told Malus, breaking out of the Lightsaber lock.
Kyle ran away from Malus and ran off to find Jan. As soon as the door closed behind Kyle, Officer Starkiller came up next to Malus.
What shall we do my lord? He asked.
Leave the Stormtroopers to kill them, Malus told him, If Kyle survives, then I shall fight him, once again.
Jan was avoiding every Stormtrooper, to find the hangar controls. The Super Star Destroyer was large and there were many rooms. There were Stormtroopers everywhere. Jan opened a door and found the control room. She turned off the tractor beams and waited for Kyle.
Kyle ran down every corridor, killing many Stormtroopers on his way. He knew Malus would be behind, trying to find him. Kyle ran through a door to see Jan.
Disabled the tractor beams? He asked.
Yes. Jan told him.
Then lets go. Kyle told her.
Jan ran in front, with Kyle behind, guarding her from any incoming shots from Stormtroopers. Occasionally, she fired at the Stormtroopers. After several minutes of running, they were approaching the hangar bay. The Stormtroopers were all dead. Kyle and Jan were about to leave, when Kyle sensed Malus behind him. Kyle blocked Malus Lightsaber.
Jan! Prep the ship for takeoff! Kyle told her, I might a while.
Youre not going anywhere Kyle! Malus shouted, I shall turn you to the dark side!
Never! Kyle shouted back.
Malus raised his Lightsaber and let it crash down onto Kyle. Malus Lightsaber cut Kyles right arm off. Kyle yelled in pain. He used the Force to pull his Lightsaber towards him. He ran back to the Ravens Claw.
Quick Jan, takeoff. Kyle told her.
Jan took off and left the hangar. Kyle noticed the Star Destroyers all trying to shoot them down.
Luckily for Malus, he noticed a Tie Fighter. Malus got in it and prepared to find the Ravens Claw.
The Star Destroyers stopped trying to shoot the Ravens Claw.
Well that was lucky. Kyle said.
Both Kyle and Jan then felt a blaster shot on the ship.
Or not. Kyle added.
Kyle could sense Malus presence behind the ship. Malus kept shooting at the Ravens Claw. Jan did some fancy stuff in the air, by dodging the shots from the Tie Fighter.
Jump to hyperspace Jan! Kyle shouted.
Jan pressed the button and they entered hyperspace. As the Ravens Claw disappeared, Malus felt annoyed and returned to the Echo.
Stay tuned for Chapter VIII An Old Friend
Jason Skywalker
Good chapter again.I'm guessing the Old Friend is Obi-Wan.And about that "Why Kyle didn't got another apprentice" stuff,The Force tells me Bavan will make a cameo.Or not.
Diego Varen
Good chapter again.I'm guessing the Old Friend is Obi-Wan.And about that "Why Kyle didn't got another apprentice" stuff,The Force tells me Bavan will make a cameo.Or not.
It isn't Obi-Wan who is the "Old Friend". Bavan having a cameo, I didn't think of that. But it isn't him.
Jason Skywalker
Well,i'll just wait and see.
Diego Varen
Well,i'll just wait and see.
Damn, I forgot to say that :lol:.
Good chapter Pottsie. I'm glad that you listen to the advice given to you. You are describing plots quite well. Keep it up.
Incidently a new diddy is up. :D
Diego Varen
Good chapter Pottsie. I'm glad that you listen to the advice given to you. You are describing plots quite well. Keep it up.
Incidently a new diddy is up. :D
I know. Thanks for the advice. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have put so much effort in my Fics.
I definitly think that you are getting better as you go. Nice job.
Diego Varen
I definitly think that you are getting better as you go. Nice job.
Thanks Niner_777. When is the next update of Amongst The Ruins?
Oh, that fic. Probably tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to work on it today. I've got some sports and homework that I put off though. :D
Another good chapter, BFA dosent really stand for anything .. it was just some random thing because i couldnt come up with anything else at the time ... waiting for next chapter :D
This is also a great fic and an excellent parallel to the light-side fic. The quality has apparently improved within you and it's looking great so far. I also found the name Darth Malus amusing. It is a Latin word, meaning "bad" or "evil", the exact opposite of "bonus" meaning "good". Can be found in Malevolent, Malnutrition, Malpractice etc.
Whatever the case, it's a great fic over all and a rather enjoying read.
P.S. @ JK-DQ: Influence Gained: Several dozens of forums members. :);)
Diego Varen
Thanks Sabre. I was thinking of deleting my Light Side one. It didn't seem to work out.
PS. Check out Sabre's JK-DQ. One of the best Fics ever.
Not bad all in all, but I just have to say it - ???RedHawke???
Diego Varen
Not bad all in all, but I just have to say it - ???RedHawke???
Yeah, RedHawke. Is something wrong with that?
Diego Varen
Chapter VIII
An Old Friend
The Ravens Claw landed inside the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV. Kyle hadnt been here for over a month. As he and Jan got out of the Ravens Claw, Luke greeted them.
Kyle, Jan, its good to see you again.
Same here? Jan told him.
Whats the story? Kyle asked.
Not much to tell Im afraid, Luke told Kyle, Luckily Ive recruited many Jedi to replace the ones who died on Korriban.
Okay, Kyle told Luke, Well I guess Jan and I should get settled in.
Wait Kyle, I need to talk to you, Luke told Kyle, In my chamber. We wont be disturbed there.
Luke led Kyle up to his chamber on the top floor. The last time Kyle was in Lukes chamber was before he went to Taspir III with Jaden to find Rosh. Luke sat down on his mat.
Kyle, I have an apprentice for you to train. Luke told Kyle.
Yeah, who? Kyle asked.
She is a young woman who has a lot of potential to become a Jedi Knight. Luke told Kyle.
The large door behind them opened. A young Human female entered. She had long, silky, blonde hair and deep brown eyes. Her skin was tanned. She wore a black, ribbed jacket and brown trousers with black boots.
This is Kiara Tann. Luke told Kyle.
Its a pleasure to meet you. Kiara told Kyle.
Same here. Kyle told her.
Well its time for Kiara to be trained, Luke told Kyle and Kiara, Good luck and may the Force be with you.
Lets begin with your first lessons, Kyle told Kiara, Follow me.
Kyle led Kiara to the training ground, where Kyle once took his trial.
As soon as Kyle and Kiara arrived near the trial, Kyle opened a small hole.
Get in. Kyle told her.
What? She asked, wondering why Kyle had asked her to go through.
Just go through, Kyle told her, Trust me.
Kiara decided to listen to Kyle and went through the hole. Kiara was sliding down a small slope into a training room. Kiara knew what she was supposed to do. Here she would learn her basic Force powers.
It was late at night and Kiara was still in her trials. Luke would greet her as soon as she finished. Kyle felt tired and decided to rest. Jan had already gone to bed. As soon as Kyle got into bed, he drifted off into a deep sleep.
Rosh. Jaden said.
Jaden. Rosh said back.
You dont look like much of a captive Rosh, Jaden said angrily, igniting his orange Lightsaber, Did you dream this up? Or was it Tavions idea?
No Jaden wait, I was wrong, Rosh told Jaden, Please, take me back to the Academy, I need help.
Jadens anger was rising and he was coming closer to Rosh. He felt like he could kill him.
Jaden stay back, Rosh warned, using the Force to push several boxes together, Please dont hurt me.
You tried to kill me and now youve lured me into a trap! Jaden shouted at Rosh, using the Force to push the boxes.
Jaden I was scared, Rosh told Jaden, feeling scared himself, You have to believe me, were friends remember? Lets get out of here before Alora comes back.
Jaden was having none of it. He leapt towards Rosh and raised his Lightsaber at him.
How do I know you wont betray you again? Jaden asked, Youre always trying to beat me. How do I know this isnt another trick?
Down below in the Taspir III facility, Kyle tried to contact with Jaden.
Jaden dont do it.
Up above, Tavions apprentice, Alora tried to turn him to the dark side.
Finish him Jedi! She shouted.
Jaden listened to her and raised his Lightsaber at Roshs abdomen.
Wait! Listen to what youre saying! Rosh shouted, Youre angry. Dont give into it. That leads to the dark side right?
Jaden grabbed Rosh and pushed him onto a box. Jaden could hear Kyles words again.
He only fell to the dark side because he was scared, afraid of dying, put away your saber.
Jaden threw Rosh onto the floor.
Strike him down! Give in to your anger! Alora shouted.
Jaden youre better than that, Kyle told Jaden, Dont give in to your anger, Rosh is telling the truth.
Jaden felt really angry. So angry, he could kill Rosh, Alora, Tavion and Kyle all at the same time. This must be what the dark side felt like. Jaden loved it. Having power that he had never had before and scaring people. He decided to kill Rosh. He raised his Lightsaber and brought it down onto Roshs shoulder. Rosh yelled out in pain and staggered to the door. Jaden picked him up again.
Jaden no, let go of your anger. Rosh pleaded.
Why should I? Jaden asked angrily, You yourself said how powerful the dark side was.
I was wrong. Rosh told Jaden.
No you were weak. Jaden told Rosh angrily.
Jaden no! Rosh pleaded.
Jaden pushed his Lightsaber into Roshs abdomen. Rosh yelled in pain. Jaden let Rosh collapse onto the floor.
Well done Jedi, Alora told Jaden, Join us and together with Marka Ragnos as our Master, we can destroy the Jedi and serve him.
Join you! Jaden shouted angrily, Why should I trade one Master for another? The scepter is too powerful to be in the hands of someone as weak as Tavion. If anything it should belong to me!
Oh you think so? Alora asked laughing.
You on the other hand are useless, Jaden told her, I should have killed you on Hoth.
You wont get a second chance, Alora told Jaden, Tavion has taught me much since then.
Alora shot a small bolt of Lightning at Jaden. Jaden and Alora fought for several minutes. By the time Kyle got there, Alora had been killed and Jaden had left for Korriban to kill Tavion.
Rosh! Kyle shouted.
He ran over to Rosh, who was near death. Rosh looked up to see his Master.
Im sorry, Rosh told Kyle, Jaden has turned. Youve lost both your students.
No, Kyle told Rosh firmly, You are a Jedi.
Thank you. Rosh whispered.
And with that he died.
Kyle woke up. It was just a dream. It wasnt any ordinary dream. It was a dream of how Jaden fell to the dark side. Maybe it wasnt even a dream. Maybe it was a vision. Kyle decided to get up. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and put on his clothes.
What are you doing Kyle? A voice asked.
Kyle looked behind him. It was Rosh. As a Force ghost.
Rosh how did you? Kyle asked.
Your father, Morgan Katarn, has taught me the path to immortality. Rosh told Kyle.
That was lucky, Kyle said finally, What are you doing here anyway?
There is something you must know, Rosh told Kyle, In several hours time, Jaden will attack the Academy. You must leave while you can, before its too late.
I must tell Luke. Kyle told Rosh.
He already knows, Rosh told Kyle, Hes sensed it as well as I.
So what do we do now? Kyle asked.
As Ive said before, leave before it is too late. Rosh told Kyle.
Rosh disappeared and Kiara entered. She sat at the end of Kyles bed.
Are you alright? She asked.
Dont worry Kiara, Kyle told her, I just met an old friend.
So what do we do tomorrow Master Katarn? Kiara asked.
I dont know, Kyle told her, And please, just call me Kyle.
Stay tuned for Chapter IX The Assault on Yavin IV
PS: Sorry for the so much dialogue Chapter and lateness of the Chapter, I'm had Writer's Block with this Chapter. The next Chapter will be a major Battle (as it says in the title of the next Chapter).
Jason Skywalker
Good one Pottsie.And is it just me,or did you use that name for a Chapter on Jedi Forces?
Diego Varen
Thanks for reading Jason.
Jason Skywalker
Lol Pottsie.Oh,and check out Jedi Heroes.
Diego Varen
Lol Pottsie.Oh,and check out Jedi Heroes.
Don't worry Jason, as soon as I see a Jedi Heroes update, I look at it. I'll be reading. Expect me to reply...
Master Jimmy
I liked it, and every other chapter I read
Diego Varen
I liked it, and every other chapter I read
Thanks Revanscool.
Another enjoyable chapter, when you said old friend i didt know who to expect lol .. anywa .. good work once again
I know. Thanks for the advice. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have put so much effort in my Fics.
I am touched. Really.
Another good chapter and a nice little plot twist. I just posted another chapter to Heart of the Guardian. I've got a few surprises in store :D
Nice job. Good chapter.
Diego Varen
I am touched. Really.
Another good chapter and a nice little plot twist. I just posted another chapter to Heart of the Guardian. I've got a few surprises in store :D
Thanks. Both to you, Niner and Mr_BFA. I read the Chapter of HOTG and it is good. I usually have Revan as a Male and Exile as a Female. I never thought Revan sounded like a Female.
Diego Varen
I'm currently writing Chapter IX.
Diego Varen
Chapter IX
The Assault on Yavin IV
There was a disturbance in the Force. Malus could feel it. Kyle had a new apprentice. Malus decided to be extra cautious of Kyle and anyone he was with. Officer Starkiller approached Malus. RedHawke and Caos were also there.
You summoned me my lord. Officer Starkiller told Malus.
Yes, I want you to prepare an army to invade Yavin IV. Malus told Officer Starkiller.
When for? Officer Starkiller asked.
When I tell you, Malus told him, Now RedHawke, I want you to go to Yavin IV and scout the area. If any Jedi notice you, kill them.
Yes my lord. RedHawke said.
RedHawke left to go to Yavin IV. Malus knew that RedHawke was up to something.
The rise of dawn appeared on Yavin IV. Kiara had woken up earlier to train herself while Kyle, Luke and the other Jedi were asleep. Kiara decided to go out and take a walk around Yavin IV. She hadnt been away from the Academy, since shed been there.
RedHawke landed on Yavin IV. He got out of his Tie Fighter and explored Yavin IV. He had landed a mile away from the Academy. In the distance, he saw a young woman walking. RedHawke noticed a Lightsaber in her belt. He got out his Lightsaber and ran towards the woman. The woman immediately got out her purple Lightsaber and blocked RedHawkes attack. RedHawke passed the woman. The woman became suspicious.
Whoever that was, come on out! She shouted, Nobody messes with Kiara Tann.
Really? RedHawke asked, igniting his Lightsaber.
Both Kiara and RedHawke ran towards each other, fighting with their lives. Their Lightsabers clashed together. RedHawke pushed Kiara backwards, causing her to fall over. RedHawke prepared to stab her, but she leapt back avoiding the Lightsaber. She ran off. RedHawke knew she would tell the Academy that a Sith had tried to attack her. Perhaps Kiara thought it was Malus. If she did, RedHawke had an advantage. RedHawke decided to return to the Echo, to tell Malus of his failure.
Kiara saw Kyle and Luke, who were already up, training against each other. She ran up towards them.
Kyle, Master Skywalker, a Sith Lord has just attacked me and
Slow down Kiara, Kyle told her, Tell me exactly what happened.
Well, I was out for a walk and I was attacked by a Sith Lord? Kiara told him.
Was it Jaden? Kyle asked.
I dont think so, Kiara told him, He looked nothing like him.
Perhaps it is an apprentice of his. Kyle told her.
I sense Jaden will attack the Academy, Luke told them, Rosh was right, we must prepare to leave the Academy, before its too late.
Listen Luke, Im not leaving without a fight. Kyle told Luke.
Okay Kyle, but we must leave soon. Luke told Kyle.
RedHawke landed on the Echo. Caos greeted him. He didnt look too pleased with RedHawke.
What are you doing here? Caos asked bitterly.
I must see Lord Malus. RedHawke answered back.
Malus came to greet RedHawke.
I sense your failure RedHawke. Malus told RedHawke.
I know my lord, RedHawke told Malus, trying to look like he werent lying, I submit any punishment you give.
There is no time for punishment, Malus told RedHawke, And besides, it was Kyles new apprentice. That is the reason why she survived. For now, I shall lead an army to the Academy. Meanwhile I want both you and Caos to steal Lukes journals.
What for my lord? Caos asked.
What do you think? Malus asked, his voice rising, In Lukes journals are several Old Republic bases on Planets unknown to the Republic. If I can find them, then I can take them over and make the Imperial Remnant stronger.
Right my lord. Caos said.
Caos and I shall do as you ask. RedHawke added.
Excellent. Malus said.
Kyle, Jan, Luke and Kiara prepared to fight, along with the other Jedi and the New Republic army. They had set up a small defence around the base and were waiting for the Imperial Remnant to attack. Thanks to the New Republic, they had set up a shield that covered the whole Academy. The Imperial Remnant was sure taking their time in attacking the Academy. All everyone had to do now was to wait for the Imperial Remnant to attack.
The Imperial Remnant landed on Yavin IV. RedHawke and Caos had landed behind the Academy. Malus and his army landed near the Academy, but not to near just so they werent seen. His army was a large legion of Stormtroopers, eight AT-STs and four AT-ATs. Malus slowly walked towards the Academy, with his army following him.
Meanwhile, RedHawke and Caos had entered in the back way of the Academy. Luckily for them, the Jedi and the New Republic hadnt guarded the back way. They had only guarded the front.
Get the journals, RedHawke whispered, Ill disable the security.
Caos decided not to argue and he crept through the Academy, being careful in case any security systems hadnt been turned off or if anyone else were protecting the Academy. Malus had told them that Lukes journals were in his chamber at the top of the Academy. Soon Caos entered the chamber. The journals were on Lukes table. Caos grabbed it and he left to meet up with RedHawke. As soon as he returned to RedHawke, they left the Academy and returned to the Echo to wait for Malus to return.
Fire! Malus shouted at the AT-ATs.
The AT-ATs started shooting, however the shots disappeared. There must be a shield, Malus thought angrily, The Jedi were very resourceful indeed. Malus stopped the AT-ATs from firing and Malus decided to go inside the shield along with the Stormtroopers. They immediately flanked the Jedi and the New Republic. Many Troops on each side died. Malus ran towards Kyles new apprentice and attacked her. Malus noticed Kyle immediately saw his apprentice being attacked and ran towards Malus and stopped him. They talked as they fought.
Your new apprentice is strong my Master, Malus told Kyle, Maybe I can turn her to the dark side.
Youve truly fallen far. Kyle added.
You say that all the time, but you know Ive become much stronger than you, much stronger than Master Skywalker. Malus told Kyle.
Malus knew that RedHawke and Caos had completed their task. Malus used the Force to push Kyle and Malus ran off.
Destroy them all! Malus shouted to his army as he left.
Malus returned to his shuttle and left Yavin IV. There were other places Malus must go to, to increase their power in the Galaxy.
Stay tuned for Chapter X Zaloriis
Jason Skywalker
Good one as usual.Zaloris,is that a planet or a person?
Diego Varen
Good one as usual.Zaloris,is that a planet or a person?
I own the old PC game, Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds Saga (Includes the orignal Galactic Battlegrounds and it's expansion pack Clone Campaigns). On the Galactic Empire Campaign starring Darth Vader, there is a level where you go to Zaloris, a Planet that rebelled against the Empire after the Battle of Yavin. The first part of the next Chapter will have information on the Planet. I think GB is the original Battlefront.
Diego Varen
I've just realised I spelt Zaloris wrong. It is Zaloriis. I'm writing Chapter X now. It will include a side of A4 of information of Zaloriis (Because it doesn't let me copy from the game) and some information from Wikipedia.
nice chapter once again, but wouldve liked a bit more action in the fighting sequence, but its good all the same :D
Jae Onasi
I've read through it, and had some thoughts on things to improve (none of which are a huge deal) and things I like.
First, make sure to add more line breaks. Double space between each change of speaker when you're doing dialog. It makes it much easier to follow when reading online, especially for those of us with 'older eyes'.
I saw a comment that you or someone else thought there was too much dialog--I think it's almost impossible to have too much dialog--it's the characters who should be telling the story as much as possible, describing things, figuring out problems, telling each other solutions, that sort of thing. Obviously you can't describe a good chunk of battle sequences that way, but feel free to let your characters do the descriptions. I'm glad to see you using more dialog.
You assume that everyone knows who Jaden and Kyle are, and in a SW fanfic forum, you can sort of get away with that. However, I haven't played Jedi Academy (it won't load on my laptop! :) ), so I don't know them at all. Make sure to describe your characters a bit in the first few chapters so we can all have an idea of who your characters are.
Make sure also that your characters are doing things that make sense and that are in keeping with their personalities. Even Sith Lords don't kill just for the sake of killing--they need to conserve their personnel resources just like anyone else, so they're not going to kill indiscriminantly. Now if you tick a Sith Lord off, that's a different story.
You have a lot of action in your stories, and I can tell you're learning to slow down the pace a little so we can keep up as readers. Keep slowing it down a bit more--the best way to do that is to describe everything in greater detail. For instance, you write in the latest 'Many Troops on both sides died.' How did they die? Did they die in clumps or scattered across the battlefield? Were there any smells of smoke, burning flesh, fire, chemicals? What kinds of sounds were there? People screaming in pain, soldiers yelling orders over the noise of blaster fire, ATATs pounding the ground? What does the battlefield look like? Hilly? Flat? Muddy? Smooth? Is there anything in the terrain that could affect the fighting abilities of one side or the other? That's not a request to change that particular sentence, btw--just something to think about as you write your next chapters. I want to see it the way you see it, because I'm sure it's a very interesting picture!
The story itself is fun, and I noticed some more variation in sentence structure than in your previous works, which helps make the writing more interesting to read. There is never a dull moment in your stories because of all the things that are happening. :)
So, keep going!
Diego Varen
Thanks Jae. I think if I have time, I may edit some Chapters and describe Kyle, Jaden and all the other Characters who some may not know from JA. Battles are a bit boring when I write them (It's because I don't write very good Battles). The dialogue is set out like it is, because I've read books and that is how they're set out. But if you want in my next Fic, I shall do that. If I write a Fic after this one, everything shall be improved. Hopefully.
Diego Varen
Chapter X
Malus returned to the Echo. He went to his throne room. Officer Starkiller entered the throne room. He held Lukes journals in his hand. He handed them over to Malus.
My lord, Caos and RedHawke found the journals you wanted. He told Malus.
Thank you Officer, Malus told him, Now get out of my sight.
As Officer Starkiller left, Malus opened the datapad containing the journals. It had information on many Planets, including Hoth, Endor, Coruscant and many more. Malus flicked through the journals, until he found a Planet he didnt recognise. Zaloriis. Malus decided to see what information Luke had on the Planet. The journal on Zaloriis opened up.
Zaloris is a desert world. The first AT-AT walker was invented there. It formally declared it's independence during the Rebellion Era, but Lord Vader denied the request and proceeded to liberate the AT-AT facilities as well as crush the militia and Rebels there.
The desolate Planet of Zaloriis is notable only for its role in the production of the Imperial All-Terrain Armoured-Transports. General Veers worked extensively to improve and update the Walker design, but his research was interrupted by a Rebel uprising.
Zaloriis City is considered the main settlement, but even that is not a popilar destination on the barren sandy rock. The high winds of Zaloriis keep life to a minimum, but the sheltering boulders of the Fantain Mountais harbour smaller creatures and rock lions. Legends speak of dune ghosts that wander the wastes at night and of travellers who never return from their journies. The natives respect the open deserts and keep well away from them, clustering in small outposts connected by well-travelled roads.
The Imperials recognized the value of the Zaloriians fear-it allowed them to establish a research base out in the desert, with little concern for prying eyes. In fact, their test vehicles often bolstered the legends and tell-tales, as wanderers spotted the strange technologies being tested and reported back-exaggerated accounts at the local tavern. One tale that amused the Imperial counter-spy network involved a man being confronted by a wheezing so-foot dune-low, with giant tusks and a grey reptilian hide. Back at the research base, the prototype Walker was quickly rechristened Dune Cow.
End of Data
Malus closed the datapad. He put it in his pocket. Once Luke gets these journals back, he will have to update Zaloriis with my adventures there, Malus thought. He went to his shuttle, along with a small legion of Stormtroopers. The New Republic wouldnt have a big defence on a harsh desert Planet, such as Zaloriis. As the shuttle prepared to land on Zaloriis, Malus noticed the old abandoned research base, where Darth Vader was once inspecting the AT-ATs.
Pilot, land in that old research base! Malus shouted across the shuttle.
Yes my lord. The pilot said, changing his course.
The journal did say that the research base was away from prying eyes. Malus hoped it still was. The shuttle landed inside the research base and Malus and his army got out.
I need two scouts to check out the area, Malus told them, As soon as you find out something, return here immediately.
Two of the Stormtroopers got on a Speeder Bike and sped off into the unknown.
Several hours later, the two Stormtroopers returned. They walked up to Malus.
Lord Malus, we have all the information you requested. One of the Stormtroopers told Malus.
A Twilek Jedi Knight known as Farra Koo is protecting Zaloriis City under Luke Skywalkers command. The other Stormtrooper continued.
Excellent work, Malus told them, Now we shall invade Zaloriias City.
Several more shuttles landed, with eight AT-ATs and sixteen AT-STs. Malus led the way to Zaloriias City. As he led the army, he thought about Farra. When Malus was a Jedi, they were close friends. But ever since Malus fell to the dark side, he hadnt seen her since. Perhaps he could turn her to the dark side.
Farra Koo was mediating inside the large Command Center in Zaloriias City. She had been on Zaloriias, since the Battle on Korriban. She was a surviour from that Battle. She was meditating, thinking on the past. Zaloriias was quite a boring place to be for a Jedi. Especially for a Jedi who liked going out, making a difference in the Galaxy. Here she had to protect the military and the citizens of Zaloriias City. To her, that wasnt making a difference. Suddenly, she stopped mediating. She heard noises from outside. It sounded like screams of civilians and blaster shots from the military. Farra looked out to see the Imperial Remnant attacking Zaloriias City. They were being led by Malus. Farra immediately ran towards the communications array and spoke.
Attention citizens of Zaloriias City! Please remain inside your homes!
Farra could see all the citizens running into their homes, dodging Stormtrooper fire or anything else that tried to kill them.
Down below, Malus ran through the City. The Zaloriias Military tried to stop Malus, but he killed them all. They fell to the floor like paper. As Malus killed the last Trooper, he sensed Farra Koo inside the Command Center. Malus leapt up to the Command Center and entered. Farra Koo was about to ignite her Lightsaber, but Malus gripped her.
If you want to live Farra, join me. Malus told her.
Ill never join you, She told Malus confidently, After what youve become.
Malus tightened his grip on her. She choked even more.
I think you should reconsider. Malus warned her.
Farra noticed a red glow in Malus left eye. The dark side had consumed him. Farra tried to struggle out of the grip, but Malus held her too strong.
Ill give you one last chance. Malus warned Farra, getting impatient.
Farra knew she shouldnt join the dark side, but she didnt want to die and she had always wanted power. She had kept it secret from Luke. Besides Jaden was once her friend. She didnt want to lose that friendship.
I I shall join you. She choked.
Malus loosened his grip on her and let her go.
Good, Malus told her, From now on, you shall be known as Darth Gevallen.
Thank you my lord. She said finally.
She got up and Malus gave her a large bomb that would destroy the entire City.
Set this and then we shall leave. Malus told her.
Yes my lord. She told Malus.
Gevallen set the bomb in the middle of the room and set it. Gevallen knew it would take five minutes to leave the City. She set the bomb to explode after five minutes.
Excellent, Malus said, Now we must leave.
Wait my lord, Gevallen told Malus, I can tell the Military that Im taking you away into custody out of the city, then they wont suspect a thing.
Malus liked the plan. Gevallen led Malus out of the Command Center and through the City. The Military saw Gevallen leading Malus out.
Lady Koo, where are you taking our Sith friend? The leader asked.
Im taking him away into custody. Gevallen told him.
The Military left Malus and Gevallen alone. Malus and Gevallen left the City and waited for the detonation of Zaloriias City. Malus and Gevallen left Zaloriias and returned to the Echo. From there, Malus, Caos, Gevallen and RedHawke watched the detonation of Zaloriias City. Malus felt excitement burning in his heart as he felt the City be destroyed, along with the Military and the citizens who also perished. It felt great.
On Yavin IV, as the Jedi and the New Republic were clearing up the mess from the attack on the Academy, Luke felt the deaths of so many people. It was from Zaloriias. Luke also felt the loss of a Jedi. A Jedi who had fell to the dark side. A Jedi that Luke had trained. Farra Koo. Kiara came over to see him.
Is something wrong Master? She asked.
The deaths of so many people, Luke told her, And a loss from our Order.
Kyle heard Kiara and Luke talking. He walked over to them.
What loss? He asked.
The loss of a great Jedi, Luke told him, Farra Koo has been converted to the dark side.
Kyle knew Luke felt despair. Luke knew dark times were ahead.
Stay tuned for Chapter XI Memories
PS: Gevallen is Dutch for Fallen.
Diego Varen
Name: RedHawke
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Dark Brown
Hair Colour: None
Class: Sith Lord
Favourite Weapon(s): Lightsaber
Lightsaber Colour(s): Red
Favourite Ship(s): The Echo
Favourite Force Power(s): Force Camouflage
Master(s): Desann/Tavion/Darth Malus
Apprentice(s): None
Homeworld: Unknown
Political Affiliation: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Allies: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Enemies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Name: Darth Gevallen (Farra Koo)
Species: Twilek
Eye Colour: Brown
Hair Colour: None
Class: Jedi Knight/Sith Assassin
Favourite Weapon(s): Saberstaff
Lightsaber Colour(s): Red
Favourite Ship(s): The Echo/X-Wing/Tie Fighter
Favourite Force Power(s): Force Drain
Master(s): Luke Skywalker/Darth Malus
Apprentice(s): None
Homeworld: Ryloth
Political Affiliation: Jedi Order
Allies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Enemies: Imperial Remnant/Sith
Name: Rosh Penin
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Brown
Hair Colour: Black
Class: Force Ghost
Homeworld: Yavin IV
Jae Onasi
Thanks Jae. I think if I have time, I may edit some Chapters and describe Kyle, Jaden and all the other Characters who some may not know from JA. Battles are a bit boring when I write them (It's because I don't write very good Battles). The dialogue is set out like it is, because I've read books and that is how they're set out. But if you want in my next Fic, I shall do that. If I write a Fic after this one, everything shall be improved. Hopefully.
Nothing wrong with emulating (not copying!) someone else's style in well-written works, and the EU books are at least entertaining, if not Pulitzer prize winners. I'm not complaining, mind you, and I'm not trying to be offensive with constructive critiques. It's not as fun to have the 'areas to improve' pointed out like it is the good or fun stuff. Nor are the things I commented on 'bad', they are just areas to make better. I do that because I know you have the ample ability and desire to learn from those comments and improve, because I've seen your writing improve as you've been going along.
Writing takes time to develop, too. The writing I did as a freshman in high school was very different from the writing I do now, but I had to do a lot of writing along the way to learn and improve. Boy, did I have to do a lot. Some of my freshman high school writing was atrocious--you're way ahead of where I was at the same age. I'm _still_ learning! Believe it or not, the writing you do here will help in your regular studies, and vice versa. You can't lose there, even if you don't like school. :)
I find battle scenes challenging myself--how do you take a very fluid scene with action happening all over the place and condense all that down into words on a page? It's tough. If battles are boring, spice them up a bit. Make the good guys or bad guys do something totally unexpected that surprises everyone and makes them have to react in a novel way. Your battle scenes are not bad, btw. I think they can be pretty intense sometimes, and I like intense battle scenes where I can feel like I'm in the middle of the action and have to duck with the character.
Jason Skywalker
I'll read this tomorrow.Hope ya don't mind.
Diego Varen
No I don't mind.
Wow, I've been gone for awhile, lol. I'll have to read it later also.
Diego Varen
Wow, I've been gone for awhile, lol. I'll have to read it later also.
Okay. Just to let you know, most of the next Chapter will just be parts from JA. This is a Chapter for those who don't know about JA.
Diego Varen
Also, once I finish this Fanfic (Which won't be for a while yet), I may write an alternative ending if anyone wants it.
Jae Onasi
Okay. Just to let you know, most of the next Chapter will just be parts from JA. This is a Chapter for those who don't know about JA.
Just work little parts from JA into your story every now and then when it's relevent (and if you start a new fic based on JA, put some explanation into your initial chapters)--you don't have to make an entire chapter on JA. Heh, besides, I really want to see what you're going to do with Darth Malus next, you know. :D Poor Luke, all his Jedi turn to the dark side.
Diego Varen
Just work little parts from JA into your story every now and then when it's relevent (and if you start a new fic based on JA, put some explanation into your initial chapters)--you don't have to make an entire chapter on JA. Heh, besides, I really want to see what you're going to do with Darth Malus next, you know. :D Poor Luke, all his Jedi turn to the dark side.
Yeah :lol: he spends all his time and effort in building an Academy and half of them fall to the dark side. Kyle and Rosh have had their fair shares of the dark side as well.
Nice two chapters Pottsie. Jae is right about the battles. The funny thing is that I can see the images in my head when I think about it or let my mind drift. I can see the smoke, the fire, the bodies, the bleakened landscape pockmarked by blast fire. The destroyed ship and an occassional explosion. The dirt and the noise everywhere in the air and you feel like you have to shout just to be heard. Sometimes the best way to describe battles is to look at paintings of battles and imprint the colors and images in your head. Don't tell anyone but I watch a TON of war movies, some maybe forty times already. Use the imagination that's what it's there for; the place where you develop the strangest of things like Bessy the Purple Cow (don't ask).
On a side note: I was a sucker for the female Revan romance so, ya know. The Exile I thought to be more manly. That said and done, thanks for reading. Will have a new chapter up soon. :D
Diego Varen
Chapter XI
Caos and Gevallen prepared to train against each other, with RedHawke watching them. Malus decided to relax. He went to his chamber and meditated. He started to think on his past in the Academy.
Well be arriving at the Academy in just a few minutes! The Rebel driver announced over the Academy shuttle.
A few minutes. For Jaden Korr, that was alright, however he had a secret, which he didnt want to tell. It had started a while ago on Coruscant where he was a Promising Student. He was never a Jedi, however he had built a Lightsaber without any specific training. Another eager student interrupted his thoughts.
That would be so great He shouted down the corridor of the Jedi Academys shuttles. Everyone ignored him. Including Jaden.
Arent you excited? He shouted at Jaden, Were going to be Jedi, using the Force , building a Lightsaber He stopped in his tracks as he saw Jadens Lightsaber. Of course you already have one, Im going to get one of those stupid training Sabers and
I wouldnt worry about that. Jaden interrupted.
Arent you I mean why would you be? You already have a Lightsaber and youre probably way ahead of me, Im Rosh Penin by the way. The student said, Ahem whats youre name.
Jaden Korr. Jaden said.
So where did you get that Lightsaber? Rosh asked.
Well it is kind of a long story, I found myself on Jaden said, but a loud bang attacked the shuttle.
The shuttle started to land down on Yavin IVs surface.
That was the day Jaden and Rosh became Jedi. It was also the day they met Luke and Kyle. Malus thought on his life more.
On Hoth, Jaden had just encountered Alora, Tavions Twilek apprentice. Jaden entered the abandoned hangar of Echo Base to see Alora talking to her Master on her Comlink.
Yes Master, Dagobah, She said, Skywalker didnt mention it in his journals. He must have been trying to protect something.
She turned her Comlink off, feeling Jadens prescence behind her.
You must be that wielding trouble maker that killed our perimeter guard, Alora told Jaden, Is the Jedi so stretched they send children to defeat the Disciples of Ragnos?
Jaden ignited his yellow Lightsaber and ran towards Alora. Alora immediately ignited her red Lightsaber, blocking Jadens attack. They fought for several minutes, attacking and blocking each others attacks. Alora pushed Jaden backwards and tried to stab him, however he rolled over to the side, avoiding Aloras attack. Jaden leapt up and ran towards Alora. They fought again until Alora leapt onto a rock and then on a pipe. Jaden had followed her from behind and had stayed on the rock.
Well meet again welp! Alora told Jaden.
She left the hangar.
I cant wait. Jaden commented.
That was Malus first encounter with Alora.
In Bast Castle on Vjun, Jaden ran in a room to see Rosh. He had the scepter in his hand. He turned around to see Jaden.
I sense your prescence Jaden. Rosh told Jaden.
Rosh? What are you doing here? Jaden asked.
The Disciples of Ragnos brought me, Rosh told Jaden, At first I thought they were going to kill me. But I was wrong about them.
Jaden couldnt believe what he was hearing.
Do you realise how much power there is in the dark side? Rosh continued, Kyle was holding us back Jaden, you should feel the power. Its beyond anything youve ever imagined.
Rosh what are you saying? Jaden asked, Youre a Jedi.
Rosh fell to the floor thinking. His two servants came up to him.
No Rosh started, Im a
Enough talk! The servant shouted.
Rosh destroy this puny Jedi so we can complete our task! The other servant shouted at Rosh.
Yes, Rosh said finally, If youre too weak to join us Jaden. Then we cant let you stand in our way.
He ignited his new red Lightsaber and Jaden ignited his yellow Lightsaber. They ran towards each other attacking each other. Occasionally, Roshs servants tried to heal him, but Jaden threw his Lightsaber at them. They were killed and Rosh was alone. Jaden and Rosh fought for several more minutes, until Jaden caught Rosh off guard and Rosh tripped up. This was Jadens first touch with the dark side. He was about to kill Rosh until Kyle stopped Jaden. Kyle ran towards them.
Kyle I Rosh started, but was interrupted.
A burst of Lightning tripped Kyle up.
Did you think Id give up my new apprentice so easily? A woman asked, pulling the scepter towards her.
Tavion. Kyle commented.
You should have killed me when you had the chance Katarn, Tavion told him, Your pathetic mercy is a weakness that shall cost you your life. And the life of your Academys students.
She looked at Rosh.
But not you my dear Rosh. Come. She told Rosh.
Yes Tavion. Rosh said.
Rosh no! Jaden shouted.
Fool, your petty friendship can not compete with the power of the dark side. Tavion told Jaden.
So is this what its come too Tavion? Kyle asked, Stealing scraps of the Force like some intergalactic parasite.
Spare me your self-righteous pity Katarn! Tavion shouted, You may have shamed me when you spared my life. But that was before I found this. Now I have a new Master. One who has promised me the power to destroy you and all the Jedi.
Ragnos? Kyle asked, What can a dead Sith Lord give you?
Everything I have ever wanted, Tavion told Kyle, Not that youll be around to see.
Jaden threw his Lightsaber and Tavion noticed it. She used the scepter to destroy the Lightsaber and the ceiling. Tavion and Rosh escaped, while Kyle tried to hold the rocks up. Jaden used Kyles Lightsaber to break through the floor.
I cant keep this up for long. Kyle commented.
Hold on. Jaden told him.
Jaden finished cutting the hole and him and Kyle dropped through the hole.
Malus stopped thinking about his past. His memories as a Jedi were useful. Thanks to the Jedi, he had fallen to the dark side and now he wielded the power that Tavion and Marka Ragnos would never have. Malus decided to attack the heart of the Republic. Coruscant. His homeworld.
Stay tuned for Chapter XII The Taking of Coruscant
Diego Varen
Quite short Chapter.
Nice. Very good. Yeah the chapter is short. I would more reaction sentences in when characters are being spoken to. It makes for a better image of reactions of anger and the whatnot.
Potts........you have begun to construct a very interesting tale, I always wondere what became of JAden, and Kyle after the ending of JA, considering the developers at LA left it open, and havent touched it since. You quoted earlier that you didn't much like writing battles because you claimed them to be boring :D
Maybe I can help ya out with that one, I write very good battle sequences, or so Ive been told by people who read Darth Sion: Legacy Of Pain. Writing a battle sequence isn't all that difficult,depending on the type of battle. When describing solo combat, and duels, especailly with Sabers, describe the facial expressions, and acrobating maneuvers and saber thrusts/paries. Use alot of imagery, so that your audience really gets a feel for the action sequence as if it were playing out before there eyes. Compare the motions and patterns of the combatants to other various objects or creatures. And don't be afraid to include what the attacker or attackeee is thinking or feeling at the time.
Example: " Sion circled in around the wounded Revan, like a wild beast stalking its prey, his footsteps echoing through the cavrnous chambers of the ancient facility.
"He could sense Revan's weakness, as he drew in closer, Sion could almost taste the fear eminating from his war weary foe. Victory was his, he could feel it, almost grab at it."
"REvan slowly began to rise to his feet, clutching at the sizzling wound in his side, courtesy of a slash from Lord Sion's crimson bladed saber. REvan's breathing was heavy, almost gasping, as he felt his chest heave in and out under his armor, as he stared into the souless, and snarling features of his enemy."
"Sion had had enough waiting, he could sense Revan's thoughts, the weak fool, was still trying to measure the methods of his enemy, this Sion could not allow. With roar of primal rage, Sion lept towards Revan, his crimson bladed weapon hissing to life like a serpent, was pointed directly at Revans throat."
"Revan seeing this oncoming attack, was quick to react, igniting his own brilliant blue blade, and quickly and forcefully swiping away the animal Sith's forceful attack. But he could see Sion would not be so easily swayed from his current path of attack."
"Sion twirled his weapon skillfully out accross his chest, before gripping the hilt tightly with both hands, and again charging forward, and bringing blow after overpowering blow down upon his opponents blade, who defended as adamantly as Sion attacked. The result was a fast paced display of swordsmanship, which illuminated the ancient dueling chamber in brilliant shades of blue and red light."
Large scale battles are written in quite the same manner, just replace Sion for example with The Sith Fleet or Army etc etc, and Revan with the Republic, then proceed by describing the scene, and like the battle of the heroes, use lots of imagery
Example: The sith fleet dotted the Coruscanti skyline, like a thousand luminous stars.
The Capitla ships of the republic fleet were outgunned and blossomed accross the scene into countless flowering explosions.
Diego Varen
Thanks for the Battle advice DarthSion101. This may help. Everyone who reads this Fanfic, I reccomend you read DarthSion's Fic, Darth Sion: A Legacy of Pain. It was the second or third Fic I read before I joined.
Thanks for the Battle advice DarthSion101. This may help. Everyone who reads this Fanfic, I reccomend you read DarthSion's Fic, Darth Sion: A Legacy of Pain. It was the second or third Fic I read before I joined.
But please Read this one before reading mine......Pottsie has done a great job bringing Jaden and Kyle out of the Darkness and back into the light :D !
Diego Varen
Thanks Sion. I suppose you're a fan of Jaden and Kyle yourself.
Thanks Sion. I suppose you're a fan of Jaden and Kyle yourself.
I found the JA storyline of the dark Jaden to be most interesting and was very much hoping that LA would follow up on that version rather than the typical Light ending.
So yes my friend you have given me hope to a very dark universe for JAden and Kyle MUAHAHAHAH ;)
well, you pm'd me to check out your fanfic. so now i'll do ya one better: i'll review it, and give you a couple of pointers at the same time.
first off, you have some good material to work with. i've played Jedi Academy, and although i thought the game's story was a bit weak, you've demonstrated that it does have some potential to be better. overall, the substance of your story is good, but its the style that gets me.
however, several problems have already been mentioned, and i'll address them here. as you have stated a couple of times, length and pacing have been problems with the story. now, IMHO, i think the problem stems from having the story primarily being told through dialog. dialog is essential to most stories, but whenever you use a lot of dialog, you have to keep in mind that dialog is another word for conversation. whenever you get into a face to face conversation with a friend, take some time to observe what happens other than what is spoken. you'll notice that more than just words are exchanged. facial and hand expressions are exchanged as well as emotions.
if you would simply put some more detail as to how the characters are feeling, their reactions to what is said, and what they're doing while the conversation takes place, then you'll notice that length is no longer an issue.
something else your story could use is some subtlety. a good story is rather boring if it isn't told very well. your issues with pacing could easily be handled if you take some time to carefully move your story along. instead of using two lines exchanged between characters to reveal four plot points, take some time to develop a smaller storyline that will slowly fill in the gaps for those four plot points. a great way to spread things out is to write out an outline on paper. you don't need details; just simply write down major events and plot points in the order you want them to be in your story.
another thing that would add length and pacing is to describe the settings better. give some backround information on the setting; describe the backround noises; comment on things within the environment such as fog, smoke, clouds of insects, et cetera. setting is always essential to any story, and describing it in detail will definately help to move the story along.
in the end, your style is lacking a bit. something to always remember in writing is that style > substance. a good story is never going to be great if the storytelling isn't up to the task. on the other hand, a mediocre story can be great if the style is great. improve the style, and this fanfic will be one of the greats. :)
just trying to help, so don't take this the wrong way. ;)
Diego Varen
just trying to help, so don't take this the wrong way. ;)
Don't worry, I won't, besides your the Moderator of the CEC and is writing a Fanfic yourself (I'll read it sometime). If I ever write a Sequel (If anyone wants one), then I shall improve.
I was able to skim over the last three chapters. I thought that they were good. I do have to agree with what others have mentioned. Though you have slowed down the plots, I still think that some of the events are happening a little bit fast. I really liked DarthSion's battle scenes. They were very detailed, but not boring. Sometimes, I think that my fic may be a little bit boring because of some of the detail that I may put in. I think that the detail adds to the story overall. Nice job on those chapters, btw.
Jason Skywalker
I have read the chapters,very good.Maybe LucasArts should watch this forum and check the fics for possible games.
Diego Varen
I have read the chapters,very good.Maybe LucasArts should watch this forum and check the fics for possible games.
I doubt LucasArts watches over us as we write our Fics, etc. Besides I doubt they won't like my ending of this much.
Jason Skywalker
Kyle or Luke or Jaden dies.Well,that's my prevision.
Diego Varen
Kyle or Luke or Jaden dies.Well,that's my prevision.
Please don't read the below Spoiler if you don't want to wreck the Fanfic.
One of them does die.
Jason Skywalker
Heck,it's tempting.
Diego Varen
I've wrote twenty lines of Chapter XII. I'll write about fourteen Chapters of this Fanfic, then I've finished.
Jason Skywalker
I've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII. I'll write about fourteen Chapters of this Fanfic, then I've finished.
What?You've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII?
Diego Varen
What?You've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII?
Sorry weren't thinking (Will edit it). I meant twenty lines of Chapter XII.
Char Ell
I think this story has a great foundation, Pottsie. Keep it up and don't think that you need to wait until the next story to improve. Jae Onasi, stingerhs, and DarthSion101 have given you some great pointers that you can use to improve on your writing as you continue with this story. I haven't read any of your other fics but it sounds like you've added depth to your writing skill since you started posting in the Coruscant Entertainment Centre. Assuming you are at the wonderful age of 14 years your writing is already good. Time and practice will only serve to help you even more.
Master Jimmy
Great Chapters, looking forward to your next.
Diego Varen
Thanks Cutmeister and Revanscool. Soon this Fanfic will end, but I have ideas for either a Sequel or something different.
all i got to say is: I likes, and want to read more lol
Jason Skywalker
Maybe when you end this one,you could do a KOTOR one.
Diego Varen
Maybe when you end this one,you could do a KOTOR one.
You know, I was thinking of doing a KOTOR one. I was thinking of either doing a Revan or Exile going into the the future, which I've tried before or something else. Or as I said earlier, I would do a Sequel to this, but it would be difficult.
My basic idea for a Sequel would be Jaden's unknown child, who becomes a Jedi. Though it would be a terrible Fanfic.
Jason Skywalker
Or maybe you could do a fic of the movies,maybe between Episode III and IV or after Episode VI.Maybe Episodes,VII,VIII and IX.
Diego Varen
Or maybe you could do a fic of the movies,maybe between Episode III and IV or after Episode VI.Maybe Episodes,VII,VIII and IX.
I disagree with doing VII, VIII and IX. That would be stupid. I think after this Fic, I'll write a Fic before KOTOR. Expect to see it this month or the next.
Jason Skywalker
Okey dokey.Good luck with that.
Diego Varen
Or I might not write about that. To be honest, I don't know what I will write. I'm running out of ideas.
Jason Skywalker
Maybe you could write a Dark Side Kyle fic.
Btw, Pottsie, thanks for the PMs. I added the pic to my fic. Its on the cover page. Also, feel free to make a fic about one of the BF2 missions. I'll still be writing Knightfall probably, but that doesn't mean that you can't write your version. As you can probably see, our writing styles are rather different, and I haven't been following the Mygeeto mission very closely. I think that they'd be different enough. Also, I'm not writing the space missions, as far as I know. Feel free to write one of those.
Btw, everybody, I just posted a new chapter for Amongst the Ruins. (See sig)
Diego Varen
Jason Skywalker: About the DS Kyle Fic. I did have that idea. About when he fell to the DS on Dark Forces II. I don't know how to write it though. Either with an alternate universe or a One-Shot Fic about Kyle having a dream about it.
Niner_777: Nice rhyme you got there Niner. Pic for my Fic :lol:. The Knightfall Fic I've decided not to write, but I may write about a Space Mission. Either the Coruscant or the Kashyyyk one.
I shall let you know what I've decided to do after I finish this Fanfic. Thanks to everyone who has read this and I hope you enjoy this and any other Projects I plan to do.
Diego Varen
Just to let everyone know, the reason I've been able to post these Chapters quick is because I'm on half term (Break from School). Today is Saturday and in two days I've got to go back. So for my loyal fans of my Fic, I shall try to do the final two Chapters today.
Jason Skywalker
Oh,even though you've already decided the fic,maybe you could write one about the Ebon Hawk Crew.
Diego Varen
Oh,even though you've already decided the fic,maybe you could write one about the Ebon Hawk Crew.
The Ebon Hawk Crew. Maybe. If I did, it would be about General Zack Kahn.
Diego Varen
This is a very rushed Chapter. The final Chapter shall be better. I promise you.
Chapter XII
The Taking of Coruscant
Malus entered the bridge on the Echo. Officer Starkiller was there, along with RedHawke, Caos and Gevallen. Malus noticed that they were already above Coruscant.
Officer, how did you know that I wanted to go to Coruscant? Malus asked.
I didnt my lord, Officer Starkiller told Malus, We were just passing.
Stay in orbit of Coruscant, Malus told him, We shall retake Coruscant in the name of the Imperial Remnant and the Sith.
Before Malus and the others could take Coruscant over, a blaster shot hit the Echo. Malus looked out to see a large New Republic fleet attacking them. He went over to the Echos large communications array.
All hands to battle stations, He shouted, Repeat. All hands to battle stations.
Six TIE Fighters approached the large New Republic fleet. The group of TIEs split up into two groups of three. Both groups had targeted a single X-Wing in their sights. Like a hawk on a Womp Rat, both groups fired on their prey, tearing the X-Wings apart. Malus smiled. The Imperial Pilots were well trained in their jobs. Just when he thought that everything was going fine, reinforcements attacked the group of TIEs, tearing them apart. Malus noticed Officer Starkiller ordering reinforcements. Malus noticed several more TIEs going to attack the fleet. Luckily, the TIEs managed to pass the X-Wings and landed inside the New Republic capital ship. Malus went to his shuttle, along with his apprentices and prepared to land on Coruscant. Soon the heart of the Republic shall soon be the heart of the Imperial Remnant and the Sith.
The shuttle landed on Coruscant. Luckily nobody on Coruscant suspected them arriving. Malus, Caos and Gevallen ignited their Lightsabers and prepared to take Coruscant. Soon the Imperial Remnant army landed on Coruscant. The New Republic army prepared to defend Coruscant.
Luke was leading the New Republic army. Kyle, Kiara and all the other Jedi were with him. Both the New Republic army and the Imperial Remnant army ran towards each, firing at each other. Many people died on each side. Kyle saw Malus charging towards the abandoned Jedi Temple. Kyle ran towards his ex-apprentice hoping to stop him, but Caos blocked him.
If you want to get past me, then youll have to kill me. He warned Kyle.
That doesnt stop me. Kyle told him, trying to attack him.
Caos blocked the attack, with his two Lightsabers and pushed Kyle. Caos was about to stab Kyle, when Kiara blocked the attack. Caos growled and attacked her. Kyle noticed Lightsabers and Blaster Rifles blazing everywhere. War had begun on Coruscant. Kyle got up and tried to catch up with Malus, before it was too late.
Gevallen leapt in front of Luke. She ignited her red Saberstaff.
Hello Master Skywalker. She said.
Farra Koo, Luke said, Im glad to see youre alive.
Well Im not! Gevallen shouted, I had hoped to see you dead, but no youre still alive.
Luke was shocked at what he was hearing. This was not the apprentice he had trained.
Jaden will lead you to death and destruction. Luke told her.
Jedi lies! Gevallen yelled.
Luke and Gevallen ran towards each other. They fought for several minutes, looking for a weakness in each other. Luke had trained her too well.
Kyle climbed up the Jedi Temple, following Malus. Malus was trying to climb to the top and announce victory of the Imperial Remnant and the Sith.
Jaden come back to the Light! Kyle shouted, Face up to what youve done! I can help you!
Malus turned to see his ex-Master following him.
Youre too late Kyle! Malus shouted, Im the most powerful Sith in the Galaxy!
He dropped onto Kyle and kicked him through the window. They were in the old Council meeting room where Masters Yoda, Mace Windu and Obi-Wan Kenobi had once met.
This time Kyle, its a fight to the death! Malus shouted.
Stay tuned for Chapter XIII Return of the Jedi
Jason Skywalker
Oh,that shucks.If you did a Ebon Hawk Crew,i'd like to see the one with Bavan.
Really good Chapter.And i'm guessing Jaden will lose,sigh.Why do all fics end with the light prevailing over the dark?
Just to let everyone know, the reason I've been able to post these Chapters quick is because I'm on half term (Break from School). Today is Saturday and in two days I've got to go back. So for my loyal fans of my Fic, I shall try to do the final two Chapters today.
I was wondering how you were able to post the chapters so fast. Now I don't feel so bad about how slowly I'm writing my fic. Good chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how this ends. It's been set up rather nicely.
Diego Varen
Here is the final Chapter.
Chapter XIII
Return of the Jedi
Malus slowly walked towards his wounded Master and circled around him. Malus ignited his Lightsaber and prepared to deliever the final attack. Without expecting it, Kyle pushed Malus away from him. Malus fell backwards onto several chairs. Kyle weakly got up and grabbed his Lightsaber.
The Sith wont win today Jaden! He shouted confidently.
Malus got up.
Youve always been arrogant Kyle! Malus shouted.
It doesnt matter, until Ive killed you. Malus told him.
Before either Malus or Kyle could attack again, Luke entered the room, killing several Imperial Guards behind him. RedHawke had followed him.
Well isnt this nice? Kyle asked, A reunion.
Be quiet Kyle! Malus shouted, Prepare to die!
Malus ran towards Kyle attacking him. Luke joined with Kyle to help him. RedHawke stayed and watched them fight. This was entertainment. Lights of blue, green and red Lightsabers blurred about all over the room. The heat of the Lightsabers bounced back onto their faces, causing them to sweat. Malus pushed Kyle backwards and fought Luke. Luke was much stronger than Kyle. He seemed more relaxed. Malus eventually stabbed at Lukes leg, causing him to fall over.
RedHawke! Malus shouted, Do your worst!
RedHawke prepared to shoot large bolts of Lightning at them.
Up above Coruscant, the New Republic fleet managed to overun the Imperial Remnant fleet. Officer Starkiller was panicking, trying to find an TIE Fighter. Luckily for him, there was one and he managed to escape the Echos destruction.
The now reedemed Farra and Kiara cleared up the messes on Coruscant. The Imperial Remnant had been chased off Coruscant and were retreating. The New Republic managed to destroy some of their ships from escaping. Luckily, none of the civilians had been killed or injured. They were all just in shock from the recent events.
Meanwhile in the Jedi Temple, Luke and Kyle were screaming out in pain. RedHawkes power was strong, strong enough to kill anybody in five minutes.
Jaden! Help! Kyle shouted.
Malus looked at both Kyle, Luke and RedHawke. He didnt know what to do. Could he return to the Light Side? Could he destroy the Sith forever? Malus once again looked at Kyle, Luke and RedHawke. Malus ran towards RedHawke, but his Lightsaber was blasted out of his hand. Malus raised his hands and shot his own bolts of Lightning at RedHawke. Malus would use the rest of his power to save both Kyle and Luke. Kyle and Luke watched in shock as Malus tried to resist the Lightning. Malus pushed himself harder to try to kill RedHawke. Malus power increased, but it wasnt enough to kill RedHawke. Kyle got up and threw his Lightsaber at RedHawke. It was stuck in RedHawkes chest. He yelled in pain and Malus used the last of his power to kill RedHawke. RedHawke collapsed onto the floor. Dead. Malus also collapsed. Kyle and Luke ran to see him.
Im sorry Kyle Malus said weakly, I tried.
Didnt I tell you, that you would return to the Light? Kyle asked, several tears dropping from his eyes.
I suppose you did, Malus told Kyle, laughing in agony, Im sorry for everything. I was a failure.
No Jaden you arent a failure, Luke told Malus confidently, You are Jaden Korr, a true Jedi.
Thanks, Jaden said weakly, I dont want to die.
You wont die. Kyle told him.
The Force will allow you to live on, Luke told him, You are good.
Thank you. Jaden said and with his final words, he died.
As Rogue Squadron flew over the Jedi Temple, Kyle and Luke felt the peace in Jaden that hadnt been there for some time.
Several hours passed. On Yavin IV a private funeral was set for Jaden. The people to see him go were Jadens parents, Lordo, Michaela, his Droids JK-47, RC-62, and finally Kyle and Luke. They all stayed to watch Jaden until the fires burnt out. As it did so, Kyle and Luke saw Jaden, Rosh and Morgan Katarn watch them from behind. The Force had its ways, Kyle thought happily. Lordo, Michaela, JK-47 and RC-62 left, not noticing Jaden.
May the Force be with you. Luke called out to Jadens parents.
The Force was with them today. There was peace in the Galaxy. The Force truly did have its ways.
The End
Jason Skywalker
Truly a great chapter.Wasn't expecting Jaden to return to the Light.
All I can say is... Nice Fic! I liked it a lot. The ending was great, though predictable, lol. What happened to the fifty-four chapters? :D Anyways, great job. I don't know which I liked better, the fic, of watching your writing improve over the course of it.
Diego Varen
The fifty four Chapters. I lied, I guess :lol:. Anyway, I may be writing a first-person Fic about a Battlefront II Space Level. The Desperate Rescue.
That mission seems like it would make a good fic.
Diego Varen
Plus I may dedicate my new Fanfic to you and may mention Hunter and co.
That would be cool. :)
Master Jimmy
Great ending chapter. I'll be looking forward to your next fanfic.
Diego Varen
Just to let you all know, I won't be able to start my new Fanfic, until later today or tomorrow.
Master Jimmy
still, I'm looking forward to it
Joss Kanubi
Great story, looking forward to your next one
Diego Varen
Great story, looking forward to your next one
Thanks, you can find it here.
You can no longer find it. I deleted it.
Diego Varen
I've got a banner for The Sith Lord now. It was made by Sabretooth and it is above the first Chapter. Thanks Sabre.
Nice work Pottsie. I was confused about what happened between Luke and the girl padawan he had been fighting? Is she dead?
Diego Varen
She was reedeemed. Gevallen was Farra Koo. Farra was mentioned as the "now reedeemed" Farra.
Jason Skywalker
Yes,but it didn't show how she was redeemed.
Good,good.Fall even deeper onto the Dark Side!Now really,good.Altough a bit short.make a jedi come and jadens anger rises so much his lightsaber turned red
Diego Varen
make a jedi come and jadens anger rises so much his lightsaber turned red
His Lightsaber was already red and what good will that do?
I so think there should be a sqeal but i have no idea how
connor, please do not advertise your fiction in another persons thread, please read our Forum Rules before posting again. I have deleted your advertising part of your post. -RH
Diego Varen
After I finish my current Fanfic, Descendant of the Exile, I may will do a Sequel. I also have some idea what to do.
Edit: Good news everyone. The Sith Lord has over 1000 views. Party down.
:guiness: :cowdance :sbdance :guitar2 :bounmult: :urpboun: :lock: :3pdance: :band1
Pottsie, I have deleted your two spam posts, you know the rules against bumping threads, an update/new chapter is one thing, these 1000 view celebratory posts are not. -RH
John Skywalker
What a fic Pottsie!!!!!! I will now read your sequel to this!
Diego Varen
What a fic Pottsie!!!!!! I will now read your sequel to this!
Thanks John. Your Fic is also great and one of the most original Fics I've read.
John Skywalker
Awwwww thanks Pottsie im so glad to be praised by a great writer such as yourself :)
Diego Varen
Thanks a lot John.
wow, great fan fic
Diego Varen
Thanks jedi_exile.
Diego Varen
This may disappoint some people, but any Sequels will be cancelled, because:
A. It wouldn't be good.
B. I've already had two attempts at a Sequel.
C. I'm not as excited as I was with this.
darnet,don't double post,btw whats wrong with TSL 2 TROM
Diego Varen
darnet,don't double post,btw whats wrong with TSL 2 TROM
Authors of their Fanfics are aloud to double post (eg, look at Sabretooth's, Niner's). As I've already explained in my previous post, I couldn't be bothered to write TSL II. Sorry. Expect another Fanfic soon.
oh yeah
hey pottsie you wanna try doing another fan fic with me again?
Diego Varen
hey pottsie you wanna try doing another fan fic with me again?
I don't think so jedi_exile. I don't think it works as well. Its better off writing our own Fanfics. Besides yours is good and you shouldn't give up with that.
lol, i wasnt planning on giving up anything
Diego Varen
lol, i wasnt planning on giving up anything
That's alright then. Also feel free to discuss anything about The Sith Lord. Ask me questions and answers, anything.
Diego Varen
How I thought up Malus (Jaden Korr):
I wanted an evil name that people could remember (Like Vader/Sidious) and when I typed in Evil for Dutch or Latin (Can't remember which one it was) and it came up with Malus. I used that from then on.
His dark personality comes from Vader, Sidious and Maul.
These are just any topic you can talk about. Ask me a question and I'll give you an answer.
Diego Varen
I mentioned about doing this earlier in this. The Alternate Ending to the Sith Lord. Enjoy.
Alternate Ending (A New Reign of Terror)
Malus slowly walked towards his wounded Master and circled around him. Malus ignited his Lightsaber and prepared to deliever the final attack. Without expecting it, Kyle pushed Malus away from him. Malus fell backwards onto several chairs. Kyle weakly got up and grabbed his Lightsaber.
The Sith wont win today Jaden! He shouted confidently.
Malus got up.
Youve always been arrogant Kyle! Malus shouted.
It doesnt matter, until Ive killed you. Malus told him.
Before either Malus or Kyle could attack again, Luke entered the room, killing several Imperial Guards behind him. RedHawke had followed him.
Well isnt this nice? Kyle asked, A reunion.
Be quiet Kyle! Malus shouted, Prepare to die!
Malus ran towards Kyle attacking him. Luke joined with Kyle to help him. RedHawke stayed and watched them fight. This was entertainment. Lights of blue, green and red Lightsabers blurred about all over the room. The heat of the Lightsabers bounced back onto their faces, causing them to sweat. Malus pushed Kyle backwards and fought Luke. Luke was much stronger than Kyle. He seemed more relaxed. Malus eventually stabbed at Lukes leg, causing him to fall over.
RedHawke! Malus shouted, Do your worst!
RedHawke prepared to shoot large bolts of Lightning at them.
Kyle and Luke were screaming out in pain. RedHawkes power was strong, strong enough to kill anybody in five minutes.
Jaden! Help! Kyle shouted.
Malus looked at both Kyle, Luke and RedHawke. He didnt know what to do. Could he return to the Light Side? Could he destroy the Sith forever? Malus once again looked at Kyle, Luke and RedHawke. Malus ran towards RedHawke, but his Lightsaber was blasted out of his hand. Malus raised his hands and shot his own bolts of Lightning at RedHawke. Malus would use the rest of his power to save both Kyle and Luke. Kyle and Luke watched in shock as Malus tried to resist the Lightning. Malus pushed himself harder to try to kill RedHawke. Malus power increased, but it wasnt enough to kill RedHawke. Malus immediately pulled his Lightsaber to him and threw it into RedHawkes chest. He yelled in pain and Malus used the last of his power to kill RedHawke. RedHawke collapsed onto the floor. Dead. Malus looked at Kyle and Luke. Was Malus reedeemed? Malus grabbed his Lightsaber and slashed Kyles head off his body. His head rolled across the room, blood pouring onto the floor. Luke immediately got out his Lightsaber, but Malus destroyed it with one stroke. He then held his Lightsaber towards Luke. Two Royal Imperial Guards entered the room.
Take Master Skywalker and my dead Master to the medical bay, Malus told them, I shall deal with them later.
The Guards took Luke and the remains of Kyle and dragged them to the medical bay.
An hour later, Malus entered the medical bay. Luke looked up to see Malus.
Please Jaden, return to the light. Luke pleaded.
Never! Malus shouted, After your death, no one shall stand against me and my new Empire.
Malus knew this wasnt true. All his armies had been destroyed, though they had destroyed the New Republics army and the Jedi. After Luke was dead, Malus would rebuild. It was time.
Say goodbye, Master Skywalker. Malus told Luke with anger in his voice.
Malus got out his Lightsaber and stabbed Luke. After two minutes of holding his Lightsaber in Lukes body, Luke had died. Malus prepared to increase his power, by feeding on both Kyle and Luke. But before he could, the medical bay door opened. Officer Starkiller had somehow survived the battle.
My lord, what are you doing? He asked.
We shall rebuild our new Empire, Malus told him, With us leading our new Empire, nothing shall stand in our way. Now go!
Officer Starkiller left. Malus called upon the dark side of the Force to feed on Kyle and Luke. Malus was the most powerful Sith in the history of the entire Galaxy.
The End
Jason Skywalker
Good.Maybe a neutral one,lol.
Diego Varen
Good.Maybe a neutral one,lol.
Maybe when I have the time.
Diego Varen
Alternate Ending (An Unchosen Path)
Malus slowly walked towards his wounded Master and circled around him. Malus ignited his Lightsaber and prepared to deliever the final attack. Without expecting it, Kyle pushed Malus away from him. Malus fell backwards onto several chairs. Kyle weakly got up and grabbed his Lightsaber.
The Sith wont win today Jaden! He shouted confidently.
Malus got up.
Youve always been arrogant Kyle! Malus shouted.
It doesnt matter, until Ive killed you. Malus told him.
Before either Malus or Kyle could attack again, Luke entered the room, killing several Imperial Guards behind him. RedHawke had followed him.
Well isnt this nice? Kyle asked, A reunion.
Be quiet Kyle! Malus shouted, Prepare to die!
Malus ran towards Kyle attacking him. Luke joined with Kyle to help him. RedHawke stayed and watched them fight. This was entertainment. Lights of blue, green and red Lightsabers blurred about all over the room. The heat of the Lightsabers bounced back onto their faces, causing them to sweat. Malus pushed Kyle backwards and fought Luke. Luke was much stronger than Kyle. He seemed more relaxed. Malus eventually stabbed at Lukes leg, causing him to fall over.
RedHawke! Malus shouted, Do your worst!
RedHawke prepared to shoot large bolts of Lightning at them.
Meanwhile in the Jedi Temple, Luke and Kyle were screaming out in pain. RedHawkes power was strong, strong enough to kill anybody in five minutes.
Jaden! Help! Kyle shouted.
Malus looked at both Kyle, Luke and RedHawke. He didnt know what to do. Could he return to the Light Side? Could he destroy the Sith forever? Malus once again looked at Kyle, Luke and RedHawke. Malus ran towards RedHawke, but his Lightsaber was blasted out of his hand. Malus raised his hands and shot his own bolts of Lightning at RedHawke. Malus would use the rest of his power to save both Kyle and Luke. Kyle and Luke watched in shock as Malus tried to resist the Lightning. Malus pushed himself harder to try to kill RedHawke. Malus power increased, but it wasnt enough to kill RedHawke. Kyle got up and threw his Lightsaber at RedHawke. It was stuck in RedHawkes chest. He yelled in pain and Malus used the last of his power to kill RedHawke. RedHawke collapsed onto the floor. Dead. Malus looked at Kyle and Luke. Was Malus reedeemed?
I shall no longer walk the path of the dark side. Jaden told them.
Kyle and Luke were pleased at the news, until Jaden added.
However, I wont walk the path of the light side either.
What? Kyle asked.
It is too much for me to bear, Jaden told him, Light side, dark side. Whatever path I walk will cause harm to those around me. I must be alone.
Luke looked sad, but agreed with Jaden.
If this is what you want Jaden, then we shall not stop you. Luke said.
Thank you Master Skywalker, Jaden said, And Kyle, you will see me again. I promise you.
Jaden grabbed his Lightsaber and left the Jedi Temple.
Outside, he found an X-Wing and left Coruscant. Where would Jaden go now? He needed somewhere to think. To think for a long time. He finally decided to go to the Unknown Regions and think about all that had happened. He had no idea what he was doing at the moment. The time in the Unknown Regions should help. Jaden decided that he would spend at least two years there. The Force was with them today. There was peace in the Galaxy. The Force truly did have its ways.
The End
Jae Onasi
Nice to see all the endings.
The only issues I had were both small and technical--since lightsabers cauterize as they cut, there would be no blood all over the place when Kyle was beheaded in the DS version of the ending. That would only happen with something like a regular sword. And in the neutral ending, Malus has just created a huge mess, but they let him go. Wouldn't they bring him to justice for all the stuff he'd done when DS?
I wondered how Farra was redeemed, too.
The final battle you used more description, which I liked seeing--I could visualize the scene better.
You wrote a lot for this fic--cool!
Diego Varen
You wrote a lot for this fic--cool!
Thanks Jae, The Adventures of Jolee Bindo is going good too. Anyway, I may correct that blood thing, but I tried to make it gruesome. The neutral ending where Jaden got let off, I suppose once Jaden returned, Luke and Kyle would trial him. The Jedi Academy is less strict than it was in the days of the Old Republic.
I thought different endings would be good. I got that inspiration from the Revenge of the Sith (PS2 version) game.
i like killing obi 1 in rots game :D
i like ds better btw
connor, please do not double post in other peoples threads, while I understand it is allowable in your own fanfic thread, no more ok? Thanks. -RH
Diego Varen
i like killing obi 1 in rots game :D
i like ds better btw
Personally, I prefer LS, but for Jedi Academy, the DS ending, could have a better Sequel than the LS. On KOTOR and TSL, I usually play LS.
Wow. And i thought my chapters were long. It's interesting to see different endings to the story, but what I don't generally like is using the existing characters as the main characters of a story.This story had to be done in that way, that I understand, but sometimes it seemed like you forced KoTOR characters (like Kreia's ghost) and locations to appear in this story, when they weren't really necessary.
Diego Varen
Wow. And i thought my chapters were long. It's interesting to see different endings to the story, but what I don't generally like is using the existing characters as the main characters of a story.This story had to be done in that way, that I understand, but sometimes it seemed like you forced KoTOR characters (like Kreia's ghost) and locations to appear in this story, when they weren't really necessary.
To be honest, my Chapters aren't that long either, but I like to do them at least two pages. Maybe I just felt like adding KOTOR Characters into the story (The beginning) for Jaden's descent to the Dark Side. Besides that was only one KOTOR Character and a mention of a certain Character.
Anyway thanks for the review igyman and I hope to read your Fanfic.
Jabba da Butt
Pottsie, I just finished reading this, and it was really addictive. I couldnt stop reading it after the first few chapters. Great fic! Oh, and by the way, I think I liked the nuetral ending the best, it left open more possibilities at the end.
Now I need to go read your other fic. :)
Diego Varen
Pottsie, I just finished reading this, and it was really addictive. I couldnt stop reading it after the first few chapters. Great fic! Oh, and by the way, I think I liked the nuetral ending the best, it left open more possibilities at the end.
Now I need to go read your other fic. :)
Wow, none of my Fics have ever been called addictive before. Thanks. Feel free to vote at the Entertainment Center Awards 2006.
Diego Varen
The RP for my very first Fic has begun casting. Feel free to join by clicking the picture below (Thanks ForceFightWMe12).
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a240/BastilaRevanforever/595684ac.jpg (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=169076)
Diego Varen
Sorry if I'm resurrecting my old Thread. Today, I posted The Sith Lord in another Forum, known as Serebii.Net Forums (Which is a Pokémon Forum, though I don't like it as much as Star Wars). I've posted it there and nobody likes it (Deja Vu with Sabretooth's Jaden Korr Fic at Fanfiction.Net). The (Closed) Thread can be located here (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=144899).
This experience just proves why the people at LucasForums are much more friendlier then at Serebii (It's popular too and I don't know why).
Could be, but as you said yourself, it isn't a Star Wars forum, so maybe the people that visit it simply aren't into Star Wars.
Edit: OK, scratch everything I just said. I just took a look at the link you provided and you are absolutely right. If they don't like it fine, but there's no reason to, pardon my expression, spit all over it. :(
Diego Varen
Could be, but as you said yourself, it isn't a Star Wars forum, so maybe the people that visit it simply aren't into Star Wars.
Oh I agree, it's just that if they didn't like Star Wars, then they shouldn't read it.
Nah, you're absolutely right, read the edit I put in my previous post.
Diego Varen
Nah, you're absolutely right, read the edit I put in my previous post.
I have. Thanks for the support, igyman.
well of course this place is better its awsome this place rocks plus i don't really like pokemon so ***them
Jae Onasi
There are ways to critique, and there are ways not to critique. I disagree with the style of critique that is offered on that particular forum. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. However, that's their choice. It's also a Pokemon site and not SW--so I don't expect them to feel the same way about it as people here might.
What I'd like to see all of us do when offering a critique is to be honest but also be respectful. All of us have areas where we can improve on. We're being dishonest with ourselves if we can't admit that. All of us have strengths in our fics, too.
However, saying 'this is great!' or 'it sucks!' doesn't help much, because it doesn't address the specific good or bad things.
What parts were great? What was specifically wrong that made something bad? If you point out things to improve, also point out some things that went well. We want to keep the good stuff and change the bad stuff.
Now, we should move back on topic. No more forum-bashing, please, even if we don't agree with how they run things. If someone has a specific problem, they should take it up with the moderators (or probably in Pottsie's specific case, an admin) at that particular site rather than here. We can't do anything here about it and so let's move on to discussing this particular fic.
Pottsie, consider reading your fic out loud--I think you'll catch some of the grammar issues that way. I miss some of mine, especially repeat words, if I don't read it out loud. Feel free to revise your chapters here--I'm revising mine because some things definitely needed to be cleared up and cleaned up. You're not locked in on the chapter once you post it.
I do like how evil Malus is--keep that.
Diego Varen
Thanks Jae, that really helps. Although, like you said, people should explain why the said the things they said. I know it isn't a Star Wars site, but it did say Non-Pokémon Fics, so anything goes. I haven't really bothered with any Admins, because the Member that flamed my Fic does it with most Fics (Simon Cowell anyone?) and she doesn't get into trouble (At least not that I know of). Thanks for everyone's support and I'm just glad that the Members/Mods here are helpful and friendly.
Diego Varen
I was on the Serebii Forums today and I noticed that it's being hacked. Anyway, going Off-Topic, if I did a new Special Edition of this Fic with a different storyline, etc, would anyone read it?
where is it
Diego Varen
where is it
I'm currently writing it. I'll try to get it up as soon as possible.
Sure, I'd love to read it. :)
Diego Varen
Sure, I'd love to read it. :)
Thanks Niner. Now that I feel, I've improved on my skills, I think that since this version was quite bad, I think I'll do a new version. Expect it soon. I was thinking of a new Title, but if not, I'll just use The Sith Lord Special Edition.
:duel: that was so so cool i actually cried dude cant wait to c another thread of yours :duel:
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