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The Typical Narcissistic Woman As A Friend:
To the typical narcissistic woman, you are no more than an object of "secondary narcissistic supply" that provides her with whatever she wants or needs within the relationship. Typically, she mistakenly interprets her own narcissistic needs as "emotions". These emotional needs that the narcissistic woman displays can easily be mistaken by another as vulnerability and openness on her part, and she milks this misunderstanding by constantly acting the victim. In dealing with such a relationship, you may well be forgiven for thinking that you are having a friendship with her. In her manipulation she may even fool you that she cares about you, but in reality you don't count one bit, because she is at the center of her own make belief world where she is Queen. Her world starts and stops with herself, but she goes out of her way to disguise that fact from everyone she comes into relationship with (her husband, boyfriend, children, parents, siblings, friends and work colleagues).
I mention friends, but in reality she does not understand what it means to be a friend, not in the normal sense of the word. What she surrounds herself with are acquaintances that she refers to as friends, and they come and go in her life with great regularity. The individual may think that they are friends for a while, but soon they become aware that they are in a one sided relationship devoted only to the narcissists needs. When the friend looks for a reciprocal relationship, the narcissist female becomes bored very quickly, and the relationship comes to an abrupt and inexplicable end. The narcissistic female becomes cold, uninterested and remote, and the friendship is all but over to the bewilderment of the friend. What the friend generally fails to work out is that they have been experiencing a utilitarian relationship (an absence of mutual involvement between friends) – this is an inversion of the way the narcissist was treated by her own parents, especially the mother. Each loss the narcissistic female experiences is another narcissistic wound to her, and in order to cope, she explains her deficit away by rationalizing that friends always disappoint her.
When the relationship goes wrong, the narcissists typical and much used excuse is to say that her friend was "jealous and envious of her"; therefore she had to end the relationship. The truth of the matter is that without her investment in the other person, the relationship begins to fold, and this folding is experienced by her fragile ego as rejection (a reminder of unemphatic and inconsistent early childhood interactions by her mother), which fills her with dread. So at the slightest whiff of rejection (real or imagined), the narcissists gives the so called "friendship' the chop, in this way she is spared the intolerable feelings of abandonment that she cannot tolerate in any relationship. You need to understand that it is nothing that you have done; her acts are because she responds to some events with extreme fear of abandonment – events that would have little meaning to a healthy person. However, all of this leads to a lot of confusion for those unlucky enough to be in a committed relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Once she has decided that the friendship is coming to its end, she now goes on to hunt for another source of narcissistic supply to fill the gap of the so called friend, and so the cycle continues.
When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than a narcissistic woman. Her envy is actually a rage reaction whenever she is unable to control or possess something another person has. She bares intense resentment for anybody who she thinks has any form of advantage over her (it may be their educational abilities, their social status, their physical looks, their creativity, their success, their wealth, their popularity ….or anything in fact). Whatever the narcissist woman perceives another of having (that they do not possess), they are driven by an insatiable need to covet. The root cause of her narcissistic envy can be traced, most likely, back to the serious inadequacies found in the mother/child relationship that she experienced. Sadly the dysfunctional relationship between the young child and her mother leads the child to experience a strong surges of aggression that manifest itself in the form of envy. Furthermore, when a child feels rejected by its mother because they are too needy, the child learns to experience their needs as shameful. In order to protect themselves from further shameful feelings, they convince themselves that they do not have to depend on anyone but themselves. In order to feel safe, the narcissistic personality strives for superiority, and the drive for perfectionism, grandiosity, and self-entitlement begins. Unfortunately, the narcissist's superiority is juxtaposed to an "inferiority complex" that harbors unconscious feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy. So in order to maintain her superior position, she devalues other people who she imagines may have more prestige than herself. But before she does this, she will go out of her way to become like that person, to learn what she can from them, to model them so that she feels more powerful than them, and finally she discards that person by projecting "envy" on to them. It is through these methods of projection or projective identification, that the narcissist gets rid of her own painful envious emotions so that she can maintain her feeling of superiority. There are no rules as to how she achieves this, she will do this any way she can, for example by ruining the other person's reputation, or breaking the person psychologically and financially etc. She then coolly moves on to the next cycle of hot pursuit, engorgement, and elimination which is endless.
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73 thoughts on "The Typical Narcissistic Woman As A Friend:"
I finally understand and can stop beating myself up!
Thank you for this informative article. My jaw dropped after reading it. I've just realized I've been in what I thought was a close friendship with a narcissist. At first, the friendship seemed normal and mutually beneficial. For the last several months, though, I have devoted myself to exhaustively supporting this Narc through what I assumed was a temporary need. I see now, from all I've read, that she is actually experiencing a Narcissistic Crisis bought on by the simultaneous loss of three of her most valuable, satiating sources of Narcissistic Supply. So, it appears the sources got onto her. Recently, the Narc has segued into paranoia and is firmly convinced that her former supply sources are madly plotting to do her in. Wow. Sadly, she isn't my first narcissistic relationship, so I have lots of work to do on my codependent, caretaking self. I'm grateful for the revelation.
i read lynns comments..perfect. i just realised my friend of nearly 30 years is a narcissist. recently after 12 years of not seeing each other. we found ourselves living in the same city again.
she goes on about her beauty and how good she is…she brags and gloats..has a sense of entitlement, uses me for my support and kindness and shows no empathy towards me..her boyfriend just dumped her and her mum just died and it is so clear during this crisis, that she is a narcissist. self absorbed, envious and covets what i have . she behaves like this to her other "friend". but she has no real friends, and they just are there to enhance her life..all she cares about his herself and what she wants..
she is conceited, shallow and has no interests other than finding and getting a man.. she tries to keep me down and never listens properly to me and doesnt want me to be happy or successful more than her..she wants to hear that her life is better than mine..she is nosy and is comparing and competitive. to her it is just a game.. the boyfriend dumped her for reasons that i would say are if she treats him like she treats me no wonder he has no feelings for her . he is still sexually involved with her because he is into the sex she provides -to which she brags about.. i thought she was full of herself , until someone called it narcissim. after spending time with her i felt depressed and stressed..i felt put down and i felt when i took two steps forward she brought me two steps back.. i am now in the process of ending the friendship..i finally saw her for what she was when i had to help her get a new man and give her advice about 3 different guys and when i said I had an opportunity with someone all she wanted to talk about was her love life..it was a test and she failed…the real clue was the constant laughing at my misfortune and the fact that she said i was too nice and soft…its called empathy and i am thinking she sees that as a weakness.
anyway, i have got my strenght back from a tough year and sad break up last year with a guy…so now i can see clearly ..this change has also occured because i finally worked out what my problem was with my parents..not narcissim some other misunderstanding of my personality.and this has changed my life..i have forgiven them because i know they love me and care about me , it was just a mistake on their behalf…i am now concentrating on me and doing something for myself every day for at least 10 minutes, and then for another 10 minutes a day sitting in silence to clear my thoughts. every day i stop seeing this "friend" or talking to her i feel better . An other friend said to ask her for some time apart so i can focus on my life and career and lovelife as i am too busy . it is a good idea.
What little doubt I had in my mind that I was in a narcissistic relationship for 5 years with my manager/"best friend" who could not do it without me nor I with her is now gone. To make matters worse, the woman who "fell into my lap" as the person to replace me is also a narcissist, but in the end, them both being narcissists has set me free to see them for who they are and to avoid being around them even though the thrift store I started will certainly suffer in the short term as a result. The stranger thing is that because I "brought this person to the board" to take my place, the board is all about giving her all the power her power seeking ego can handle even to the detriment of the volunteers from whom she has taken most of their ability to get anything they "want" for their store credit that they EARN and only can get what they NEED. I am at a loss to get the board to wake up at this moment because to try to explain the personalities that they are will only make me a "whiner" in the boards eyes. Sales are already starting to sink and I have to hope that they continue in order that they may be exposed by their own misdeeds. Its INSANE, but at least I am in a healthier space being away. Really still shaking my head about how point on the article is, right down to the manager admitting that she never connected with either of her parents, never understood why they loved her adopted siblings more. Thank you so much for this article.
This is to Lynn. Does your narc friends name start with a Y?
Incredible. I just got out of this with someone new which goes to show you that this journey is never over no matter how much studying you do. My turn around time on this one was damn impressive though so I am getting better. I can tell you right now though that I am the one being accused of being what this article about. Ugh. Nothing I can do about it. Live and learn and pray.
Wow is all I can say….this article describes a 'best' friend/co-worker that I had been dealing with for the past 3 1/2 years. Whenever I express my feelings on the one-sided friendship, she quickly disagrees and instead I get that I'm insecure, envious and jealous…as I continued reading your article, I was reminded that she did not have a great relationship with her mother and being reminded of this, I now realize that it's not me – I'm not the 'bad guy'….well 'bad girl'. We often will have disagreements about simple things and she blows them up and I have no problem with apologizing and admitting when I'm wrong, however she NEVER does….everything is my fault….wow, this article literally opened up my eyes. She sent me an email about a month ago accusing me (again) of being envious and how I am the most disrespectful person she ever met and how I've made her life on earth 'hell'….then two weeks after that, another email comes up with a Bible verse and in the email she goes on and on about 'people hurt and fail people but we learn from it and move on'….no apology, acknowledgement of the last email or anything and I'm like 'Huh'…..I decided not to respond and remain quiet. When I see her at work, she looks the other way. Seeing this behavior from her once again has proved that was never a friend in the first place. Thank you for helping me to understand and to finally come to terms with ending this friendship with her….actually I feel relieved (no sadness or anger) that it's over!
My best friend was leading a double life. She says she doesn't know why the friendship has broken!!! I am stunned by her and her lies! I am sickened. I have left her to her own devices. What amazes me is there is so little written about this?
User "Big Fool" you should closely reread this article. Based on your response, I would guess you were the narcissist in the friendship you speak of.
Sam and Lynn. Funny. I'm also thinking of a friend with a Y in NY. I also thought I was helping through a crisis. It is self imposed ….their crisis. And I also heard of all these jealous and envious friends. I thought it was codependency that she was after when I began to stop aiding in a never ending cycle of self sabotage but when my life got better but also complicated at the same time she stayed focus on her perpetual "no crisis" crisis and kind of disappeared. I always thought narcissist looked like and were successful people. I didn't think it was a victim style personality. She is always looking for people to rescue but they are generally so unwell themselves.
I found out only recently that former friend was a narcissist. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. I thought I had found a long-lost sister–that's how close things got. Then I see pages and articles on narcissism, and wow, everything right on down the line added up. In 2008, I descended into the deepest, darkest depression of my life, and I'm now 51. And what I needed was just someone to talk to. That's a friend, right?
Not this friend. She never ever admitted to ever being wrong on anything. Ever. I tried to talk to her, and every single conversation was either 1) redirected back to her, talking about her, or 2) shut down completely like an iron gate. And this despite the fact that she told me about every problem she ever had in life, IMing me while at her inlaws, how they don't include her and make her feel inadequate (IMing me while in the room with them, kinda shady), every issue she ever had with her mother, every issue she ever had with her father, how she's the black sheep but the only one to step up while her mother was dying, her two brothers–one of whom is a criminal and the other with whom she doesn't have a good relationship, and omg, a 40-year-old man is after her 20-something daughter, her husband who is beginning to display odd behavior–stock-piling bags of ice in the freezer like ice cubes are a key survivalist supply, how everyone at her church is jealous of her and thinks she's an ego-maniac. On and on and on, and I did the friend thing. I was there to listen every single time. At no point in time was she ever there for me, even as I BEGGED, that I needed to talk, I needed her to listen so I could get some things off my chest. I was in anguish. I got the door slammed in my face.
I got no encouragement or support, though I constantly had to fawn over her–she feels fat and her hair, she says, is 'frizzy.' I'm constantly encouraging her about that because she's self-conscious about her appearance. We're both into writing, and I'm encouraging her about that. I need encouragement and support, and get nothing at all but criticism.
Her in-laws don't like her and people at her church are talking about her behind her back, so she's always the victim. That's the narcissist's trademark and battle-cry.
I'm in the darkest place of my life, and she can't see that. She can't see my loneliness or my desperate need for a confidant. All she can see is her needs and wants.
She never gave an inch but demanded a mile. Once she decided not to do something, there was no moving her. Everything had to go her way. Hey, all I need is someone to talk to. I am scared, angry, lonely, and in anguish. All I need is someone to talk to. That's what friends are for, and I've done it for you countless times. I get the door slammed in my face. I went into psychological and emotional tailspin, and with my engines on fire, she watched me go down without a care in the world or any effort to help me. I've now been hospitalized twice–once against my will–and have four suicide attempts to my name. I'm now at a point where I can't function without medications and can't function around people at all. Wow, glad I could be there for you. How about returning the favor? No, she tried everything else but the only one thing I asked for and the only one thing I needed, and it was a small thing that friends do for each other all day, every day. I wasn't worth the effort.
Another narcissistic game: the silent treatment that goes on for days, weeks, or even months. Countless times did she do this to me. I was supposed to fall in line, or she disappeared again. It was punitive. This is a huge one. This is what narcissists do. So in this hell I was trapped in, the one person who should have been a light for me would disappear and leave me for dead. Days, weeks, months. The last time she did this to me, she popped back up to brag about things in her life, and, "Oh, by the way, how do you feel?" If I gave any response other than "fine," she disappeared again. She came back to brag. She didn't care about me at all and never did.
I do know one thing: when someone knows they owe you an apology, they become obsessed with discrediting you, and that's exactly what she did. The rumors got back to me three times. That's what narcissists do. It is nothing short of mental and emotional abuse. It's torment. And they relish in that, the damage they do. And then they move on to someone else. I barely survived. And was diagnoses with PTSD because of it. I still have nightmares.
I recently lost a friendship of 40 years and I can't believe it's happened. This woman returns to our hometown where I currently live periodically, and even though I spend hours listening to her on the phone, when she visits her family here, she will call me at the last minute and expect me to drop everything to see her, ir she will treat me like I'm some spare part, fitting me in after she's spent half a day visiting some person I've never heard of who is in some way worse off than she is, elderly or on disability and living in horrible quarters. She is the ever seeking altruistic let me grace you with my presence so I can tell your story to my other friend how bad off you are and how I can say I felt like helping you (but really didn't)…
In the past she has shared a private email I sent her about a family matter without my permission. The first instance she and her coworker ganged up on me and gave their opinion on what I thought and felt was simply wrong. Turns out my family member WA just fine with what I suggested she do, and she let me know she'd followed my advice. The second time I shared a simple financial advice article with her and she towards it to a different coworker, this time s male who she thinks is really smart and she criticizes me by saying she's known me since she was a kid and that I drive her crazy, but she refuses to give up on the friendship and was there anything to this silly article? Turns out the guy told her it was from a reputable firm and he often follows their advice. She forwards his response to me and let's me see how she threw me under the bus. I wad shocked, I didn't know she felt that way about me and when I called her out for it she said I was being ridiculous and that it was simply "poorly worded email". You think? The last straw was when a very juvenile Facebook Friend commented on a political quote I posted from Winston Churchill as being mean, then she forwarded the quote with my name attached to all of her friends, many we shared and took a poll, was it mean. When I simply stated that it was nit meant to be mean, this friend posts on the same thread attacking me for the post and defending the other woman's personal attack of me about a Winston Churchill quote. This resulted in several people she polled to drop me as a friend (firmer high school mates that really don't know me any longer). These are people who live in the same town I do, and she no longer does, and she is attacking me on social media. When I tried to set a boundary about that and told her how it made me feel and the consequences, she denied any responsibility and said I had made politics personal and that was wrong. (Projection, much?). She couldn't understand why I refused to go with her to our high school reunion after that. I am college educated, and she isn't, my family had more money than hers growing up. I am now underemployed and driving a less expensive car than I used, to. She made a snide comment about my car, her brother asked me about my car as well. I think that's weird, I have never shown any interest in what they're driving. In the past, she went through a period after her divorce where she copied how I dressed, even asked to go to my hairdresser and got the same cut. She later dated a man twice divorced, an only child fir over 10 years until he finally married her. My folks said the first time they met him that he was a narcissist and I truly think he is. SHE has been taking xanax Fr tears for panic attacks and now buys it from a foreign country without a prescription, I think this drug lowers empathy. Ger mother recently passed away at 92, and she accused me if not understanding, even though I went to the hospital, the funeral and sat with her after. She said, you'll see what it's like when your mother dies. Nice. Ger mother in law had a stroke, they put her and get husband in assisted living. The mother in law sometimes gets angry and combative. My friend is very critical if the husband and tells me how she screamed back at the mother in law and hit ger in the keg with a big can if hairspray emphasizing that it was big..and how her own husband grabbed the mother by the arm shouted at her and pulled her up stating we're going fior a walk. If I knew where they were I'd report them fir elder abuse. My friend refuses to apologize to me and she told me to just move on and stop worrying about trivial things. She says she doesn't like my friendship rules, she's tired if all the analysis and I should just accept people fir who they are. (projection?). I told her the rules were my boundaries, she thought I was negotiating and I would change my boundaries. U let her have the last word seeing her refusal to apologize or agree to respect my boundaries…we haven't spoken in 3 months. Just like that. She is commenting more on old high school friends Facebook posts. When I really could care less about getting attention. I rarely post personal things on Facebook. I like reading articles and the funny videos and list pet photos, etc. So who if either if us us the narcissist. She is the baby of her family and two older brothers, one s Felon, she was close to her mother so that doesn't fit here.
After 15 years I have finally come to realize that I must leave the narc friend in my life. Oh the first years of our friendship were magical , we did so many things together that were so much fun. I was that special best friend that would never leave her side like all her other friends did before me. I was going to be the best friend forever … I was her beautiful smart special friend who would protect her and love her… and I did. it sounds so silly now. Slowly over the years little comments were made, I didn't go out as often, I should wear my hair longer, wear nicer clothes…I felt ugly fat and worthless. Then I was dropped and there was a new bestie in town… I was devastated. I began to realize there was a pattern that she had, a new shiny best friend and slandering the friend before…but she would never do that to me I thought…After a few months, I was slowly brought back as a friend, but I was treated differntly I kept holding on because of the wonderful memories. Recently I was interrogated as to why I haven't been paying as much attention to her as I used to… It was a wake up call…I would always have to defend myself and my friendship…i am now trying to avoid all contact …but the very mention of her name makes my stomach flip. I am hoping as time goes by that will go away…I am grateful to see that I am not alone in this…
oh wow, i recently made a "friend", and i am seeing her envy and jealousy and her bullshit more and more every time i talk with her. she is all about herself, constantly wants to be supported and even babied and comforted. i can't stand her bragging about her stuff — she even brags over what she had for dinner or lunch, or whatever — how stupid is that! she tells me my clothes look old fashioned, but i know she loves my style and trys to copy me. she called my house when she knew i was really busy, as i had let her know i was not going to be around for a while because of an obligation i had, but she got angry at me for not jumping at her command. she can go f'*** herself. seriously, what a bitch. she complains about me not being able to spend time with her when she wants me to, and expects me to bow to her, she acts all grandiose when she's talking to sales people, it is embarrassing to be around her as she is so pompous and self important. oh wow, please, bitch, take a chill pill, i feel like saying, but instead i hope she will turn her current silent treatment into something permanent, as i want nothing more to do with this piece of shit woman.
Hi i have been in a 15yr relationship with a narcissist we married 10 yrs a go she has sucked the life out of me! the life out of our children! and out of everubody she knew! she left me fo another man in november 23 2014 ahe had a string of affairs 8 and counting i knew about 3 but was talked into giving it one more go by her! she had a series of friends who were her best friends at the time usually lasted about2-3 yrs sometimes just a matter of month's if the said or done something she didnt like ie critersised her or said something she disagreed with! everything was always somebody else's fault never her fault she even blamed me for her mistakes,she left with our two children came back the next day and the kids were a mess! they refused to go back to her flat with her new fella so they have been with me for the last 3 months she has had no contact with them for 8 weeks she didnt even come up for christmas day she only lives 8 miles away if possible avoid women like her like the plague its going to take years of counselling for my two children and me to get over this whole nightmare,if you need any advice i will help as much as possible she has destroyed me destroyed my children destroyed her friends and her own family beware they have no feelings for anybody anything except themselfs they are me me me self self self.
Hey I recently ended two narcissistic relationships with two friends. I plan on never looking back and making new friends. I have to ask about how to gain back what they stole from you ? Cause I went through a few traumas in my teens and they were "there " for me and I notice how they literally stole fun and awesome parts ofmyself that I loved and they act like it and now I find II'm very insecure and blah. Also with the help of my N mom and N stepfather, N ex boyfriends as well. So basically I've just recently left everyone in my previous life who are Ns. Any advice? I currently live by sayings since I was never taught right, one being to not live through ego. The truth is, I kind of used to live through ego and was very happy, had a lot of fun, plus I'mstill 24. I guess I am really scared to hurt others! I bet I have some N qualities due to everyone in my previous life being an N. I have worked greatly on myself though once I realized I was borderline (which was five years ago). Any advice? Thank you and your article has changed my life.
I have had a friend for 25 years or more and I have always known her to be weak. She also is a follower. I never really thought of her being a narcissist, but now I don't really know. She and I recently met a lady that is definitely a narcissist and I knew it. I wanted to distance myself from the new woman because red flags went up all over the place and she drained me of my emotional energy. My weak friend started turning into this woman. Following her, as I know that she does with everyone. I wanted to tell my friend that I only wanted to keep my friendship in tact with her and I was cutting off the friendship with the new lady before it had a chance to get any deeper. She has been very defensive of the new lady. The new lady also has tried with all of my family and friends to worm her way into my life and she wants for them to talk to me to get me to change my mind. When she found out that I won't do that she all of a sudden dropped me like a hot potato. But along with that breakup, my friend of so many years did the same thing. This has caused me to research personality disorders. I absolutely know that the new lady is a narcissist. I just wonder if my long time friend is too. Or is she just a flying monkey for the narc? Do weak, needy, follower types of people get along permenently with strong, controlling, narcs? Do the two of them just live happily ever after because they both are satisfying the needs of each other? My weak friend is getting the adoration that she wants so that is satisfying the narc, and my friend is feeding the need of the narc by doing everything that she wants and turning into what the narc wants her to be. I have not been in contact for several months with either one of them. Do you have any thoughts on what you think might happen in the future? Thanks!
It took me a few years to realize that my BF was a narcissist…about twenty-eight years. The better my life became the more she tried to put me down. I felt compassion for her in many ways, so I simply ignored her rude behaviors, thinking that the poor behavior would pass. It didn't pass – it intensified! I am a happy, fair-minded person, with very good manners, and I don't like or want to fight with anyone over stupid stuff. Eventually, it got to the destroy my reputation phase, so I was done at that point. I haven't talked to her in over a year. I miss the idea of the relationship I thought we shared, but I do not miss her behaviors. The destroy my reputation phase felt awful! She fits your description to a T! Sad, really sad that their fear and pain manifests itself in this manner. Hopefully, all of us have learned a lesson.
I forgot to mention that our friendship was long distance off and on due to moves in our lives. The behavior really began after I finished college and met/married a great guy, which I now see was the catalyst for her behavior towards me. All of the sudden I was "ahead" her…I didn't even know we were in a competition. The last time I saw her I actually said "Life isn't a competition." – weird!
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I attract Narcissists. I believe this is because both my parents were/are narcissists. God bless them and love them i completely understand this disorder is a product of their upbringing, and overall I am grateful to have had them as parents because the good they have tried to consciously do for me and my siblings outweighs the bad mannerisms /maladaptive coping mechanisms they developed through life. One of my sisters unfortunately went Full Narc having beared the brunt of Golden Child from my mom and Scapegoat from my Dad and is currently battling schizophrenia and alcoholism, she has been dealt an awful hand. My mom to thid day tries to be there for her and look after her as best she can even putting her own health on the backburner. I cannot cut my Mom or Sister out of my life, I wouldnt, I've seen too much of their journey + they are my blood. Unforunately my coping mechanisms living with Narcs has rendered me Narc-Bait.
After my father passed away 3yrs ago was I able to identify the many narcs in my life as well as my own narcisssitic tendancies, which i actively work through CBT to correct. I am comforted by faith and the fact that I can feel and offer empathy, so God willing I am on the right track. Learning to set clear boundaries has been a wonderful and freeing thing for me.
I was able to quite quickly put some much needed space between myself and my two Narc friends, sadly these were the two friends closest to me who i thought would be there for me (not for every trivial thing) but definitely when I lost my dad who they knew was struggling w/ alcholism and they knew I was struggling seeing him slowly wither away. Sadly the reality was far from it with one of them constantly turning to me for support to pull him out of his misery, and the other even would invite me out to drink n get wasted having just lost my dad to alcholism… The former male N was toxicly negative and draining and I saw the one sided nature of the friendship so I quietly and calmly kept my distance and took the time and energy I was doling out to heal myself as best I could. Now I understand he too is a product of his upbringing and his greatest fear was always turning into his own Narc mother. since I took time away from him I heard he was bad mouthing me to friends, acquaintances, and even people I hadnt met and one time at a party right before I walked in the room. To say I was hurt was an understatement, I honestly thought of him as a brother and if it was negative I kept him name out of my mouth. Now you see I'm not intimidated or afraid of Narcs, so I called him and told him how hurtful he had been the same night I found out, months later he even apologized. So i bear him no ill will, I actually wish him the best, and am happy to see him being more grateful for his life and the blessings he has. I am proud of him for that but our friendship wont return to the same dynamic it was and I have made peace with that. It stings sometimes, and for that reason I have delayed breaking ties w the female Narc (latter of the two) but she is continually hurtful: put me down in front of our group of friends blatantly and blames it on alcohol; tried to blame me after she couldnt pay immediately for some work I did for her (incredibly discounted, i offered to do it for free, she insisted paying, then spazzed out when it was more than she could afford at that time) I could care less abt money it was the blame she was projecting onto me that was awful : that almost broke our friendship I took a good break from her for a good long while after that, she also apologised eventually a forced apology her parents made her give me. (i am quite close w her family we've been friends for 12 years, 6 of which were spent apart at different universities in different countries) She also has tried to make it seem my current bf (she is single) was flirting w her. This was shortly after I lost my father and I will readily admit full responsibility that I was in a low low place and I believed her, and when I apologized to her for getting upset about the issue she replied ' All girls act like that around me'.. Now in all my years by her side I have never seen girls act like that towards her, but I have seen her many a time hate on/get jealous of other women just cause they are successful/beautiful/have sth she covets. That response also raised a big red flag. Most recently she has started adopting things I say and express an interest in as her own discoveries/interests and it is irksome, but more worrying in a SWF way. I have tried and still try to forgive her but I dont know what to do: I dont want to cut ties because her sister is one of my closest friends (the sister so kind and empathetic if a little fearful and unsure, but all heart) and i adore her parents, and I see firsthand how her Narcissist mother berates/belittles her. I dont want to give up on her just yet, is she not too a product of her environment? I still have compassion for her lot in life, and I believe I can get over/curb by way of firm not-messing-about boundaries/evolve past her transgressions or digs. I cant help but think of my Sister the Narc/Schizophrenic and how all her friends abandoned her and how lonely she is now, and I see the same things in my female N friend. Help me please any advice would be appreciated. My boyfriend has Narc tendancies but he actively works on them, has said sorry when he's wrong and even rectified hurtful behaviours and I do the same for him, because out of all my friends and family after my dad passed (I had only known his a few months we werent even official) he was the only person who held me and just let me cry and say I missed my father. I know time invested in him is well spent.
I guess i'm having trouble letting go of her because we've been friends since highschool, our families love each other, and I already lost a parent and my Male Narc Best friend. I would sincerely appreciate any advice from anyone out there. Good vibes and blessings to u all, most of all Good luck w the Narcs in your life(s)
I am still trying to work out if my friend is a narcissist. We have been friends for several years now. Best friends. When I first met her she was going out with a guy who was a party goer and she was also one. They would party every weekend and take party drugs. He had money and she was always harping on about how fun her life is. She is the 'black sheep' of her family. Her parents disapproved (and still do) of her lifestyle choices. She would invite me over to her house and we would have an awesome weekend, partying, listening to music and drinking. Life was grand for her. She had a partner who absolutely adored her, she had a son whom she dotted over and would tell her that he loved her (he was pre teen at that stage) and she found a friend (me) who thought she was funny, the life of the party, switched on, beautiful, kind, caring and fun to be with. Things got messy though, her partner started to become abusive (apparently) and I was on the phone constantly with her, propping her up, advising her, listening to her, being there for her, doing what a friend does. In the end, she decided to leave him and her sister and I both took a day off work to help her pack and move. She went to give me money for helping her and I rejected it but she insisted that I take it so I did.
I spent weekends with her helping her set up her new home for herself and her son. I suggested that she take time out to spend time on her own, to heal, to get to know herself etc but she wanted to go out partying every weekend and couldn't bare to be at home on her own. On the nights she was at home on her own, she would be on the phone to me until it was almost time to go to bed. The nights we went out she would flirt with men and want to be the centre of attention…I was always in the background. She would sometimes pick up guys and spend the night with them. Less than 2 months after she broke up with her "abusive" boyfriend, she went out to a bar with another friend of hers (who was also single at the time) and she met a spanish guy on a visitors visa. Less than a week after meeting him, she told me that she was madly in love with him and that he was moving in with her. Her family and son were upset and her son decided to move out and live with his father. She was sooooooo upset by his decision because not only was her son abandoning her but she was also going to lose government assistance. She was focused on money. When her new boyfriend moved in she got him to pay for his share of rent and food. She offered to help him get a residency visa and paid the fees for him, bought a second hand car for him and paid for his truck licence. Things were rosy to start with, but things started to unravel quickly because he couldn't speak English very well at all and of course there were communication problems. She resented him because he could not pay her back as quickly as she would have liked. She went to Spain with him for a holiday and hated the holiday because everyone spoke Spanish and there was no focus on her. When they got back from their holiday, things quickly deteriorated and got to a point where he became physically violent towards her. The arguments were always about money. I know all of this because she would be on the phone to me constantly telling me about how victimised she felt, how trapped she was etc etc.
He finally left and she was a mess. I was on the phone with her constantly, at her place, going to places with her, trying to cheer her up, being there for her as a friend does. Less than a month after he left, she met someone else on New Years Eve and declared a week later how much she was in love with the new man. Her family did not want to know about him and her son refused to meet him. He finally met him the other day…3 months after she had been dating this guy. In the meantime, I went through a break up myself. I had to leave the place I was living in, clean it, ensure that everything was perfect so I could get my bond back, pack by myself etc. It was a big job to do on my own. She did not offer once to come and help me. It was all about her and what she was going through. My issues were nothing in comparison to hers. She DID offer to help me out financially however. I was in a position where I couldn't say no because I needed to find a new place to live. She kept trying to find cheap housing for me out in suburbia…miles away from the city centre where I worked and close to her. She became upset at me when I finally found a place that was closer to my family. She told me at the time that I didn't need to pay her back straight away and that when I get a job I can pay her back. When I moved into my new place, I received the bond back from the other place and payed half I what I owed back to her and used the rest to pay bills, removalist costs, buy food etc. Work was not forthcoming so I started advertising for piano students. They have slowly been trickling in, however what I get paid for lessons barely gets me by each week. I was invited, by another friend, to go to the ballet with her and then last weekend she bought a ticket for me to see Billy Idol. I felt so blessed by my friends generosity and had a wonderful time. Yesterday, I received a phone call from my narc friend who said "I see that you went to see Billy Idol" – she feigned interest in my experience and then said "I just want to remind you that you still owe me that money and to make sure you haven't forgotten about it". I was floored by what she said! Not only had she been abusive towards me a few weeks prior to that (expressing her honest opinion about things) but she was begrudging me having a great time when I know that I owe her money!
She had criticised me because I had done 'nothing' about my hearing loss…that I was playing a victim and using my hearing loss as an excuse (the fact is that I had been researching what I could do about it for months and months). She then informed me that things were said about me from one of my temp jobs (ie, that I was lazy and spent too much time on the internet) and that she was telling me because she cared. When I contacted my temp agency about the allegations she told me that she received nothing but highly positive reports from them). She tried to set me up with her new partners best friend who is at least 10 years older (close to 60) and became upset with me when I told her that I didn't appreciate it. Her response was "oh, you still need to do a lot of work on yourself and are obviously not ready yet". She claims that she cares, that I am her best friend, but I feel like she takes any opportunity she can to put me down, tell me that I'm not doing everything I can to secure a job, that "perhaps you need to put the piano teaching business idea on hold", that I am inadequate in many ways.
Is there something wrong here? Is she a narcissist or is it me?
My friendship with an N is over after 7 years. She discarded me. she would always tell me that she was afraid that one day that something she told me would get back to her. Well it did but nothing sacred. A woman told me her husband wanted to apply for a job at the N hospital. she is a nurse (scary) and he is a doctor. I told my friend you don't want him to go there. she hates it and there is a 2 year rule that you can't work at a hospital that is managed by the same company. she is having a hard time getting a job so you should apply at this hospital where she applied because there are so many openings. This guy leaves a message thinking she is the hospital with all the info I gave her. She doesn't get the job and flips out on me saying how dare I tell him her personal information and that she is so mad at me and can't trust me. she called me some really gross words and said I was a meddler with no life. I was like so what does this mean for our friendship. she said I can't think about that. The day before she was telling me how great I was and what a great friend I was because I talked her out of doing something stupid. How borderline personality. I waited a week for her to call me and then I defriended her on facebook. I have not talked to her since. Its been a month and a half. I can't believe after 7 years this is how our friendship is going to end. This was a one sided friendship. She called me incessantly to complain about her family, job, life, etc. I could never call her without getting an attitude of what do you want. I was always open to her when she called. We could never go out unless she wanted to and it was at her convenience. I did wonderful favors for her and it seemed that the wonderfulness of it lasted only for that day. The next day it was like I never took her to ER and waited four hours, picked her up from an operation, took her to her doctor or listen to her incessant stories about how she liked this doctor at work and wanted to cheat on her husband who was a devoted sap codependent who knew his wife was not in love with him. She could never do me a favor. she would stress interest to do me a favor but when I asked her for one, it was always a problem. If I ever confronted her on how she made me feel, she would say I was needy and draining. My feelings did not matter. I was constantly apologizing for things that I should not be apologizing for. Even though she was a terrible friend, I missed her. My heart is broken from how could someone treat me this way after I was so good to her. I can't call her and ask for her forgiveness because I know I will be no better than her sappy husband who puts up with her antics and once again I would be the one groveling. What is your take on this?
I don't know if she will come back. One thing about her was that she was afraid that all her secrets she told me I would tell others and get back to her eventually. Telling another friend about her difficulties getting a job really upset her to the point that she called me vile names and said that she cannot trust me. I cannot believe how much she overreacted. This to me was not the same thing as telling this woman she wanted to cheat on her husband with a doctor her husband knew. It was crazy. The crazy part is that I would still like to talk to her and make amends since I feel like I did something horrible. You would think all the really good things I did for her would mellow out her anger and she would call me to amend the friendship. She never self reflected and apologize. She was always the victim. She complained about everyone including her kids and how they did not appreciate her. I felt bad for her due to her rough childhood so I overlooked a lot of her behavior. She was brought up by a narcissistic abusive father and a mother who allowed the father to abuse my friend emotionally and physically. I always felt like she played her husband and I since we were the ones that always had her back regardless of how she treat us. She loved the attention we gave her. He is stuck with her because she will never leave him unless she meets someone else. She had no problem telling me about her sex life with her husband even though that was too much information and wanted to cheat on him. She said he was just a body and she needed it like I need a beer. She sounded like a sex addict. It almost seem like she wanted me to get off on her stories of her sexual experiences with her husband. Ewwww. The worst part he knew how she felt about him and stayed with her. She loved that when she would do the silent treatment with her family when they got into fights, they eventually came to her. Sometimes she would go to them. She would always say they always come back. I don't want her to feel the same way about me. She always talked about how this one thought she was pretty and this one liked her, etc. It was so annoying listening to build up her ego. As you can see I put up with a lot of abnormal behavior. I did not like who I was becoming. I started to get jealous of the attention she gave her family that she complained about to me and me it would always be a problem to make plans even though she would call me all the time to talk about her crappy job or the guy she wanted to be with at her job. She would say this is us hanging out and you are the one that I tell all my secrets too. She made friends with these three Russian ladies but she said it was all superficial and they just did couple things. They are probably smarter than me and if she talked to them the way she talked to me they would get out of there or they are just like her. All I know is that I cannot contact her because it will blow up her ego and make her feel here she is, I got her by the balls. I am also afraid of rejection that this time I finally reached her threshold and she needed a bad act to finally toss me.
I feel like a drug addict. I keep wanting to call her. I ran into her daughter's best friend this weekend. Of course I had to tell the poor girl the story subconciously hoping that it would get back to the daughter (who I was always kind to) and she would go to her mother and tell her mother she was stupid for letting me go. I probably made myself look pathetic. I keep only remembering the good what little there was of it and not concentrating on the bad. I can't blame her. I blame myself for the end of the friendship. I keep thinking if I did not tell that woman about her difficult job situation, or not give the woman her number we would not be in a fight. You say she will come back. She will hoover. I have seen none of that. It is almost two months and there is nothing. It is like I am the borderline narcissist and she is the victim. I just can't get out of my head how I was so good to her and her family and when it came down to weighing out whether or not I should be in her life, she lets this so call bad event dictate anything. It blows me away that this woman would call me 6 times a week and would consult me on everything in her life and can just go cold turkey like that. Who is she complaining to now? Who would have the patience to listen to her like I did? I know it is bad that I want her back. I keep thinking one more chance. I will minimize her significance in my life. I will set up stronger bounderies. I would rather change myself to keep her then lose her. How does someone become like this?
I'm just curious from my description I'm I describing a total narcissist? Was I used? There was no genuine friendship? Do you think she is a borderline with narcissistic qualities? I'm just try to understand what happen. Please respond to both my posts and let me know. I am having such a hard time moving on. Please give me some advice that will make the switch in my head turn off to her and make me realize she was no good for me.
Thank you so much for this article. I had a best friend for many years that is a narcissist. Everything we did had to be her idea. Everyone that I hung out with that she didn't introduce me to she had ugly things to say about them. Anytime I would meet a guy that I was interested in, she would find something wrong with him. If I disagreed with anything she said or believed she would scold me like I was a silly child, or put me in the "dog house" so to speak. And for years I took this abuse and did not recognize it as abuse, but thought it was true concern from someone who cared about me. By the time I realized that her behavior was narcissistic, I began to distance myself from her, and of course she ended our friendship. Your words rang true with me, because I know my life will be better off without her. However, sometimes I do still care about and miss her. But I won't ever let anyone else treat me that way again, or try to manipulate me into feeling guilty because I do not live or make the choices that THEY want me to make.
I ended a narcissistic friendship in 2013. It was my choice. I came to realize these exact things about my friend. We had been close since middle school. We had a long distance friendship for the last several years and I ended the friendship when I realized from her soon-to-be ex-husband at the time that she had lied to me about her career. She had told me that she had gone to school to become a nurse and worked weekends in the local hospital. I came to find out that it was all a lie and it was typical narcissistic behavior of inflating yourself to look better. I had no qualms walking away, I didn't even confront her about it, there was no sense wasting further time listening to more of her lies. She would never take responsibility for her actions.
I was really angry about it for almost a year. I mean REALLY angry but then I had to begin working on myself and ask why I attracted narcissistic people into my life (I was also abused by a narcissistic man in my early-mid 20s). Now I've made peace with it thanks to having an amazing therapist.
Thanks Christine for your kind comment. There were other signs along the way that she was a narcissist and like many people mentioned, I ignored them until I no longer could. I fear for her 2 kids but I can only hope that with her divorce, that their father or another relative has custody of them. But it's out of my control and I have accepted that. I just hope and pray for their emotional and physical safety.
A message from europe, excuse my english.
I am a woman 65 age, and had a N.friend for over 30 years. Almost 2 years ago i ended the friendship, and only now i start to feel better. I am not stupid, had high qualified jobs, worked all my life. But i feel very stupid… This is the most awful devestating event of my life, i cannot believe, really cannot, that she lied to me all those years. Of course, you know 'something is wrong' i helped her etc. I do not have to explain this to you all, and when you finally understand whats wrong, it is soooo unbelieveble, who can you talk to? Only people who experienced this will understand and outsiders, who know her a little, just get to say, oh well she a bit weird, she has depressions, and illnes. These n. People are so sharp, so mean, in lying, like they say: the deserve an oscar and my friend deserves ten oscars. The past years i coulnd not stand her lies, as we got older, she lost 'control' of her world of make believe , so finally i read about narcissism and i could not believe what i read, now i can think more clearly and i begin to see and get to know what a very complicated disorder this is. And it is also very complicated to fully understand, it takes time, it is very hard on yourself too, to realize what has happened and why did you yourself act like that? And believe me, they get worse as they grow old. I recognise Melanie, she still feels attracted somehow, i had that too, do not contact again, if you do you will end up like me, for two years in confusion,anger and disbelief. My friend is now almost 70 years of age, left alone by everyone and drinking every day, telling the wall or table how wonderful she is, and why didn't people understand? She will not change, somehow it is really sad. And I, i play a movie in my head, every day, events from lomg time ago, with her children, her husbands (one committed siucide) her ilness, her jobs, and so on and so on… All lies. It's devastating, makes you lose your confidence in human beings.(and in yourself) but i also feel free sort of, and make the best of it. Good luck for everybody, thank you for reading.
I see more folks are dealing with this issue with people. I posted my first comment back in December and since then, things have been relatively quiet with my n co-worker/friend. We would exchange greetings in the hall and I was fine with this and have been moving on and enjoying my life, family, other friends, etc. Fast forward to this morning, I ended up taking off from work and my cell phone rings and I see the N's name appear. I was shocked, surprised and hesitant but I respectfully answered. I was cordial and pleasant and her comment was that she was thinking about me and wanted to know how I was doing. I thanked and told her that I was doing fine and hoped the same for her. Why did I do that? She starts ranting about how hurt and disappointed she was that I proved not to be a 'good friend'. She goes on and on to 'remind' of how everyone in her life always hurts and betrays her and how she was a better friend to me than I was to her. Instead of going by my first reaction and hang up on her, I listened quietly and let her get whatever leftover frustrations out. I, then asked her if she felt that I wasn't a good friend to her, then wouldn't it make sense to just leave things the way they are and move on separately with our lives? Instead of saying yes or no, she continues on the same rant, saying the same thing. I thanked her again for thinking of me and for calling and I wished her well. I felt very drained after being on the phone with her. Can someone explain why the N refuses to admit when they hurt someone and instead always point the finger at the other person? The N woman is self-righteous, judgemental and always has a strong sense of entitlement. Never an apology but instead always expects one from me.
Thank you for this article! I have been searching for articles recently to help me through my relationship with a friend I have known for 20 years. I am only 30 years old so I feel like I have known her my entire life. My husband/friends/family consistently ask me why I continue this friendship and I don't have any clear answer. I feel like I can't break away and to be honest part of me doesn't truly want to. I'm torn to admit it, but I really do believe my friend has this personality disorder. She is going through a divorce dhe filed for. She has separated herself and her three children from their father whom she will not allow them to see. Everything is his fault. She claims zero responsibility. She has moved on from anger of him "falling out of love" with her to extreme paranoia that will try to kill her if she meets him in a public setting or try to kidnap their children. So she refuses all contact. She is a very skilled liar. I have caught her in more lies than I could possibly count over the years. Her lawyer believes every word she says and is being as cut-throat as possible in dealing with her ex. I almost feel crazy seeking help in this situation! She constantly is calling and texting (3-4 times a day) looking for approval for what she is doing. She hates it that I'm not on her side. This is her 3rd failed relationship in 8 years. It's never been her fault. Not once. I just keep telling her I don't know what to say…and I truly don't. I'm afraid to tell her what I truly think because I know it won't do any good and I'm worried for the future of her children with no father who has his faults but loves his children and desires a relationship with them.
Brilliant article! Primed by two narcissist parents, I have been the ideal victim for narcissists for years, ready and willing to give and give (and forgive), never think of myself, and listen to them, and for several female friends, even up until recently, it was ALL about them.
The same features each time. Apparently lovely attractive, fun ladies, full of life and personality, lots of issues and dramas that they had to 'share' and needed 'support' for which I mistook for friendship, but eventually, each time, I noticed, when it came to the 2-way street, time for my issues, my support, guess what? They weren't interested! Surprise, huh…?
The first one loves herself beyond measure. She sure was the belle of the ball 30 years ago, and keeps that picture on her FB page for all to see. I was friends with her for over 20 years, during which time she worked her way through most of the male population in our area, told me constantly that 'everyone' told her she was beautiful (really?!), and eventually stole another woman's husband, much older, wealthy and influential, who she decided SHE wanted.
They had kids, I moved away, we drifted, then suddenly, she called me out the blue to announce her 'husband' (didn't even know they were married!), had died, and so it began. The dance. Again. Five years of phone calls and emails about her, her and her. Her dramas her issues her feelings her life (everyone still thought she was 'beautiful', of course), smoking herself to death and terrorising her kids with her narcissistic rages, one of which I witnessed whilst visiting, and will NEVER forget. When I had a drama, an issue, meanwhile, it was always the same, She'd utter the platitude, 'poor you'!' then go back to talking about herself.
Crises time came with N friend no. 1 of over 20 years, calling me late at night to talk about herself for hours had become quite stressful by that point, after 5 years of it. She claims to be an animal lover as she has a house full of pedigree pets from breeders, which isn't an animal lover at all, imho, and was posting dreadful pics of animal abuse on FB. I'm very sensitive to that, and eventually asked her please not to include me, as it really upset me, like, horrible, intrusive thoughts can't sleep for days kind of upset (I'm OCD). I also asked her what she thought she was achieving by doing that, anyway? She was a friend, she knew me, I'd listened to all her tales of woe, so surely, she'd understand, right..…?
Wrong. She blew up. Said if you want to unfriend me (on FB), then go ahead! NO empathy. NO understanding. Nothing. So I did better than that. I unfriended her out of my LIFE. She tried contacting me again a few years ago to 'share' that a mutual friend had died. Trying to reconnect through a death? Again? All too familiar! No thanks! I said, 'I know. Thanks' and that was that. Never heard from her again.
The more recent N 'friend' was a class act. You would think she lives in a mansion, the way she talks. She doesn't. Her house (not her house, btw!), is the best, her garden is wonderful, her life's just so great!! And I am expected to tell her that, if I don't, she'd tell me. She aspires to the sort of house I have, the lifestyle I have, but weirdly, never made a comment about either. She buys magazines and waxes lyrical about just the sort of life I live, where I live etc, but when she was around me, or I mentioned something I'm doing, she went blind and deaf, would literally just shut down and say nothing. Initially I thought she was listening, maybe didn't hear me (?), preoccupied, perhaps…?
no. Turns out she just wasn't interested enough to comment.
Crises came when I stopped socialising with her, as her excessive drinking socially always culminated in massive arguments with her partner who she's apparently in a 'perfect' relationship with, who is equally N, always conducted with no thought for their guests, forced to witness it, and on at least one occasion I know of, in front of their daughter. Months of badgering me, why weren't we meeting up any more, and eventually, I worked up the courage to tell her, as diplomatically as possible, why the problem was.
Apparently, I should have 'told her sooner'! Why should I?! She's a grown adult, she should know that's not acceptable, it's not my job to police people, especially my 'friends'.
That thought aired, i've mentioned a few times since we could get together for coffee, whatever, but…..she avoids me like the plague.
I can't say I'm sorry to have 'lost' either of these women from my lives, they were never friends, as I now know.
If I have one person in my life I can call a true friend, rather than what these women have, literally dozens of acquaintances they call friends, but who are simply there to make them look good/popular/be used, then I'm happy.
🙂 x
This is my first and last friendship with a narcissist. I'm an emotional wreck right now. Feels like the pain
Will never end. Sorry for jumping a line down but my phone is whacky and wouldn't let me put a space between pain and will. So I hit the enter key.
Oh I met her, you described her head to toe. We were friends, platonic male and female relationship. I knew there was a problem when one day she was normal: me me me…the
next: everyone hates her at work….the next: me, me, me….the next: emotional wreck….today: she is sick….tomorrow: she is mad at you for something real or percieved…the next: me, me, me…WOW! Does this pendulum stop…
After a few months of this nutiness, told her I needed to focus my energy elsewhere….Two days later she's texting trying to reel me back in. When I pressed her for an answer to what our friendship means to her, I got the narcissist rage to the point I had to block her number for my final word to her. I can only pity her and her lost soul. (alcoholic father, disconnected mother)
Add me to the Narc-Bait List. I'm just today realizing how many there have been in my life, including my mother, a sister, a best friend of 10 years, a romantic partner, my first husband, whom I was ridiculously married to for 19 years, among others. The current (and hopefully last) narc in my life, someone I thought of as a close female friend, is the one who just cracked the code by leading me to research her bizarre behavior. No one should ever feel stupid for being taken in by a narcissist. It takes a long time for them to fully reveal themselves. Of necessity, they are actors.
Scott, I can so identify with what you wrote. My current (soon to be former) narc "friend," also maintains a male/female platonic friendship. Her male friend and I are inferior, low quality, secondary sources of supply, mere inhuman instruments to keep her propped up and somewhat stabilized, while she schemes and works on generating and sustaining quality supply from those who matter the most–the members of her singles' social group. The Me, Me, Me period of the Up(Manic)/Down(Depressive) cycle corresponds to her having received recent, adequate attention (narcissistic supply from primary sources). Then comes the inevitable emotional wreck, which always follows, in my Narc's case, about one week without receiving adequate attention from her primary sources. In the depressive phase, accompanied by hibernation, she is at first sad, an innocent victim of selfish people who think only of themselves. When she is unable to acquire primary source attention for a sustained period, her "old ski injuries" flare up (so laughable because she is an uncoordinated klutz who can't hike without spraining an ankle or bike without falling off). Next, comes the rage and devaluing step. Her wonderful, dear friends suddenly become "frenemies" who are gossiping about her and plotting to ostracize her. In the final step, she unleashes her narcissistic rage on me and her platonic male friend, because we are both expendable. (He has just cut her loose, and I've just begun the process.)
Her women friends, all of whom have dumped her, are all so jealous of her imaginary drop-dead good looks that they have had to distance themselves from her. She must remember to treat them gently with understanding, patience, kindness, and compassion. Her beauty also is an obstacle preventing her from successfully attracting (capturing) a man, her ongoing obsession. Men are too intimidated to approach someone so exquisite. Her latest maneuver, to assure a romantic target that she would unbelievably stoop to his level backfired, and she is still reeling from his rejection. Here she was willing to lower her standards and give him the gift of a "darn good catch," and he didn't have the sense to accept it. To cope, she invented a grandiose persona, one that crumbled 10 days after she debuted it. During the 10 days, she was absolutely manic and wrote detailed accounts of every reaction to her magnetic star quality. Everyone she encountered was mesmerized and entranced–peers, of course, as well as pub band musicians, food servers, and passersby. For good measure, a few insecure women were hostile (another high quality form of supply).
She has no patience (empathy) for "people who choose to live in crisis." (Ha! If that's not the pot calling the kettle black.) When I lost first my son and shortly thereafter my husband and my job, she told me about people who had it far worse, before she disappeared, due to my negative energy being draining. She deemed a former friend to be emotionally unbalanced for "milking the death" of a sibling for six whole months. She resented the newborn grandchild of another former friend, because the infant stole valuable attention away from her. She told me, "I killed myself laughing" at yet another former friend who was worried about being diagnosed with a fatal familial genetic disorder that had taken the lives of almost her entire family. She recommended the woman smoke marijuana.
Narcissists are dangerous predators, looking for hosts to suck the life and energy from. They have nothing to offer in a relationship, and what little they do give isn't genuine. We must take the painful lesson, hit delete, and move on.
Wishing everyone here peace.
What a relief to know I am not alone. After a 10 year friendship, with who I now realise is a narcissist, I am finally 'free'. I say 'free' because whilst I may have gone 'no contact' she still invades my thoughts many times a day. I often have that familiar 'knot in stomach' feeling just thinking about her and worrying that she might try to re-enter my life. After 10 years of me, me, me and constant dramas, always falling out with some member of her family, work problems etc etc I stopped always towing the line. She was happy if I was constantly fawning, constantly available etc but then she moved away to NY (to live with a married man that she'd managed to persuade to leave his wife and 2 very young kids for her…) And she wanted me to move to live near her. When I didn't she upped the ante and pulled all the guilt trips possible and then started the reputation slurring. I eventually had enough and though I have also lost many other friends in the process (she successfully manipulated and lied to them about me) I am relieved to be away from her parasitic ways. I felt so on edge constantly and if my response/reaction wasnt what she wanted – I'd be paying for it for days. I can't believe how controlled I was by her, and emotionally still am. I look forward to the day that I realise I haven't thought about her for a while. She did so much damage and I fear she still could. Hopefully she has realised that she can get no more from me now. I just feel sorry for her next victim….
I almost fell off my seat when I read this. This is exactly what my daughter is going through with a high school friend who has come back into her life. I KNEW IT… I pinpointed it immediately. My daughter is quite educated, has children, her own home, and up until the time she came back into my daughter's life, a man who spoiled her rotten. This individual has nothing: no home, no children, some incomplete education, and no man. The woman comes down and stays with my daughter every weekend, posts all sorts of things on FB "you will not win." I'm thinking she has imaginary enemies–oh wait, that might be directed at me. According to FB she suffers from PTSD (she was in the Navy, and did it for financial reasons; I know, she told me), but she is AWESOME and has CLASS, she went through a lot, but has no metals or commendations. Unfortunately, my daughter is defending her to me and her husband. Oh, almost forgot, she told my daughter I did not say "hello", which was a lie to begin with and has driven a wedge between my daughter and me as a result of this blatant lie. This individual caught my daughter at extremely vulnerable time; her husband moved out as a result of this individuals never leaving their home. Actually, I guess it was her home, but he'd lived there 7 years and considered it his home as well; she asked him to move in. I am preparing a letter to my daughter. My thought is that I would rather alienate my daughter to try to shake her up than to have this woman completely drain her emotionally and financially. She posts so many FB pictures, you'd think she and my daughter were a couple. And she is now using the children on FB too because she "loves them so much." Yesterday she was invited to a game in another town; however, she couldn't go because "we have a sick child." She doesn't have children; she's using my granddaughter recovering from tonsillectomy. She definitely has attachment issues as a result of her upbringing, and she tends to call everyone "mom" or "dad." She doesn't call me "mom" anymore.
I am feeling better after coming to this website and seeing all of these shares. Narcissists are so clever!!! Some have been at it so long, they know how to carefully dole out the crazy slowly. Some also seem to know when you are becoming leery as they can adapt and change their game quickly in order to keep you sucked in. I have seen my role in attracting narcissistic people into my life because of my history of co-dependency. I have known the latest "charmer" for about 8 years casually through her profession. Just recently I accepted person into my life as a friend via giving in to her inviting herself to go somewhere with me. She very quickly went into "charm mode" in her new environment that I introduced her to and a small portion of my life forever changed just that quickly. Even so, when these people are new in your life, you can ignore the small signs of it at, you might even say "they're a wonderful person, it's just my own imagination or insecurity, or I'm being hard on her". Having seen these things, and knowing better, I gave her some extra time in my life anyway (sucker!). I am happy to say I'm making progress in ridding myself of these people in my life, as I have opened my eyes sooner than normal after only a few months of having this "life energy sucker" in my life on a personal BFF level. Here are the red flags: She receives…You give, give, give. She talks, you listen endlessly. If you ever need to receive or be heard, it will not happen! You will be subject to hearing about either her greatness, her specialness, her superiority compared to others, or her problems for as long as you spend time with her. You will feel a significant drain in your energy level and may feel out of balance after having spent time with her. You will have had things said about you or your skills minimized ( she doesn't know much about you, & has never asked….too busy focusing on herself). Don't be hard on yourself for having had this relationship and not have your eyes open…these people are "master charmers and manipulators". But you will not mutually benefit from these relationships. When you see these tale, tale signs, it's not your imagination…..just RUN!
Why i didnt see this article 5 months ago
This is just what iam healing from and i implemented NO CONTACT.
The Author of this article iam your witness.
I am amazed after reading this blog; my best friend fits the description of a narcissist in so many ways. I met her nearly 3 years ago and became more and more aware of her extreme narcissistic behavior as time goes on. It's the same me, me, me; always looking for advice and support. Everything is about her, her nearly daily drama, her quest in finding a man, she is extremely pretty and is obsessive-compulsive about her looks and her hair especially. On the other hand, she is well educated, world traveled, and can talk about any subject with knowledge and depth. I love having her as a friend, she is fun to be with and we have had a lot of good times together. However, I know deep down that she really doesn't care about my well-being or me as person; when I talk about myself I feel that I am on a timer and when the bell rings, the conversation will revert right back to her, her life, and constant issues and problems. The relationship makes me very nervous because I don't know how long it will last before I no longer fulfill her narcissistic needs. She does listen to me talk and I have never been able to share my feelings like this with another person. The friendship is important to me. She is very funny pokes fun at herself and we laugh a lot, unless she is in one of her "bad moods". She seems to need me to supply practical advice all the time and of course to soothe her and provide advice when she is suffering from OCD and constant fears about everything. If she takes one fear off the table, she replaces it with something else. She has never criticized me is any way and is a kind and generous person. I am not sure what to do; I am always afraid that she will dump me if she gets the constant attention and soothing from a new friend.
@ Jackie: I hear you loud and clear. I had the same type of friendship, however after 4 years I realized that it wasn't and never will be a two-way street with my former n-friend. I say the same thing to you. If everything is about her and the timer constantly goes off then you've come to the same conclusion that we all, NO CONTACT. Anytime you fear being dumped by a friend, that is not good. If she finds another friend, so be it and guess what, so will you. Do not make this 'friend' the only friend in your life.
I've had a friend for about ten years, and I've just diagnosed her as a Narcissist. I am not a Doctor. But I have been reading about this Personality Disorder and I feel like this is the explanation. It must be. Her personality is so screaming selfish. But at times, she is charming and fun! I need dramamine! What a roller coaster!
We met because of our kids. We had their friendships in common. And it enabled us to hang out. The kids were happy.
But she did so many strange things to me throughout the friendship. And I always forgave her, let her sweep it under the carpet and act like nothing ever happened —–the ultimate best friend. lol And it wasn't until her recent rage session that I started looking up Narcissism. WELL!!!
You can pretty much check every box. No wonder I have always felt suspicious —I have always felt that she was not genuine.
Manipulative. Moody. Impulsive. Selfish. Needy.
She flirts with everyone—man, women, or child. She charms everyone she deems important to her in some way —– and this has been very embarrassing because I know she is over- doing the flattering. It is ridiculous! It is like The "Dale Carnegie School of Making Friends". But people eat it up. At First.
Unfortunately, I ate it up for too long. Others fled more quickly. I am a Narc Magnet.
She uses people to get what she wants, and if you have given her some privilege before, she expects it again. And if you don't offer it, she feels injured. She may give you silent treatment. or unfriend you on facebook. or rage at you. or shout at you. or talk horribly about you behind your back. You ruined her New Year's. You forced her to go out with you to concerts she never wanted to go to. You are not cool. Your husband isn't cool. You are a drag.
Narc tells people she should have broken up with me a long time ago. She didn't need me anyway. She was "putting up with me".
She picked fights. Started talking to me in the same way she treats her husband ..yelling, bossy, demanding…. She raged at me over something minor and I had enough.
I did a " No Contact " and she texts and calls and doesn't understand why we are no longer close. (How does she not remember her embarrassing shouting? There are witnesses.) I finally let her over to hang out to see how it's going to go. She accuses me of not listening and then rages out of my house, making a scene.
she un friended me on social media….. Obviously, she wants to be the one who breaks up.. I was not allowing her to "feed" off of me anymore. She knew she couldn't turn it around after the Rage Heard Around the World. (witnesses to crazy rage) So she decided to flip out and rage again.
I feel very sad that I was duped for so long.
I'm so glad I found this article.
I've had a friend that I've known for the past12 years. I, too, attract Narcs. I have 2 Narc parents and a Narc ex. This friend was much kinder than the other 3 in my life…she was charming and very kind. We bonded over our traumatic pasts and I thought I had met a wonderful person…I truly thought of her as a sister figure. I was so charmed by her that I ignored the warnings signs. She never raged and got scary like the other Narcs that I was raised with.
But she did keeping inexplicably dumping friends or getting dumped…at least once per year. I was always surprised. Several times I'd express my surprise and ask what happened…she'd just flippantly remark that they got on her nerves and would not elaborate. At first, I thought she was a victim of bad friends and felt for her. But after 5 years, I could not chalk it all up to bad luck…I started wondering when she would drop me. And because I was scared of losing someone who thought was my best friend, I worked harder at being better.
She also tells me about how she lies to her other friends and business clients. She often says it in a laughing way because she feels she's outsmarted them or that they were "irritating" and therefore she feels justified in lying. She paints herself either as a victim or as simply more clever. She tells everyone-including her clients that she has a Masters in Psych…truth is she dropped out a semester before graduation…but to her it's "close enough" to use in her business and to lend authority in conversations. I was such a needy codependent woman who was so charmed by her that I made hundreds of excuses or minimized this behavior because she seemed so wise and kind. She was also overtly caring towards me and seemingly supportive.
Even when she'd blow me off when we had plans and she decided it would be more fun elsewhere. I'd show up to her house to pick her up for dinner and she was not there. Often she'd say I was mistaken about our plans(confusing) or accidentally mentioned where she was (out with others) and I'd catch her lie. She would minimize my hurt and even once said that,"it's not like you had other plans!" I was coming out of a lifetime of child abuse by very malignant, violent and raging narc mother(the witch profile in the NarcissiticMothers book-I forget the author right now) I also had a physically violent dad and a cheating lying ex. I was ending contact with my family when I met her and she was there through my breakup with my ex. She did not rage or hit. She seemed so nice and comforting. I needed that so badly that I ignored the lies, the passive aggressive manipulation, the long cold silences and cutting comments.she was nice to me!! In comparison to my upbringing she was an angel and I codependently latched on like she was my hero.
A few years ago I began making positive choices(lost 150 pounds). She became cutting about diets to my face but always sweet to *me*. She began to tell me ( in a concerned way)that I had an eating disorder. ( we are significantly obese…she is still very heavy and very critical of diets. I'm halfway to my goal and I have to hide my healthy eating from her…she calls me anorexic for not eating croutons…and will tell others that…I'm still 100 pounds overweight and cringe when she wants to go to dinner…but I digress).
since I have made these changes she's alternately sweet and cold. I recognized her "dropping friends" pattern and panicked… I became an ultimate people pleaser in order to soothe her. I lost myself to her. Ugh! After a particularly hard weekend away where she abandoned me in a small remote town for the afternoon…just took off with no warning. And then when she finally came back she said, "it's great that we are so close that you don't need to ask me what happened". The rest of the weekend was spent with her squinting her eyes and staring at me in a critical manner but not talking to me or outright giving me the cold shoulder. When I questioned her parking in an illegal spot, she said that she did not like my tone. I refused to leave her car because I really did not want to be abandoned again. When she got back from her walk I apologized for our fight and she told me my tone was insincere.
After this I was so afraid of losing her that I went in to counseling to "fix myself". Oh yeah…I was in deep.
After over 2 years of CBT, I recognized my codependency as well as my own Narc fleas from my childhood. I also recognize that Narcs come in many packages and that I am not responsible for her poor behavior. I have been distancing myself from her as I've gotten healthier. And with experience and therapy, I can see the patterns clearly…as I begin to pull away and not react to her tactics, she's being sweeter and sweeter. Giving unusually expensive gifts. I still care about her but this blog has given me distance and perspective. I'm slowly phasing out our friendship but am not ready to say goodbye yet. I still wanna be A "good" friend but also need to care for myself. Still seeking that balance…but I'll get there. Thank for this post.
How do i escape a friendship with a narc. I foolishly invited her on holiday with some other friends. Now she is cold shouldering me but still planning on joining our holiday. She doesn't even know my other friends (has only met one of them recently) but she is making a point of chatting and joking with them in our holiday group watsap chat, while ignoring me. It's subtle but stands out a mile to me. She is doing it because I asked her to stop posting all over my Facebook wall. She was trying to get the attentions of a male friend of mine who had spurned her after I tried to fix the two of them up (something I regret. I didn't realise what she was when I did it). Should I confront her outright? She will deny it I know. Say I am being paranoid or silly – but what I'd actually like to do is fall out with her in the hope that she won't come on holiday. I'm even sharing a room with her. I don't trust her or like her. Help!
so sorry about the friend that you would like to unfriend but can't because you are too nice.bLisa- did the holiday already happen? did your narc friend go??
and Rachel—Good luck holding her at arm's length. It's so hard to do!
as for me–the narc friend 's birthday came up and so i texted a quick note.
then she knew i was going to be at a concert and suddenly there she was. it was awkward but of course in a public place i wasn't going to bring anything up and ruin the show for my friends i went with!
then she knew i was going to be hospitalized and texted well wishes.
i am trying to just keep it friendly and peaceful. i am trying NOT to be a supply. I
think this is the hardest thing when you've already gone through the no contact phase.
i am praying that if we are ever alone and in private someday ( which my never happen) i will have the self esteem to gently be able to say that her rages were inappropriate and ask her if she was sorry that she acted out like that. i would like to also say that raging is not normal and it just pushes people away ( just in case she hasn't noticed this) and tell her i don't want to raged at ever again.
hopefully there will be a gentle, kind way to say this to her one day…when I feel that I am just laying out my boundaries to her ……..if I've learned anything from this —it would be that i do indeed have boundaries…..but i have not been strong enough in the past to insist on my boundaries. getting used and abused made me see that.
Seven years of friendship. Starstruck and a rocket show of fun. Her husband was PR at a major Oil co, mine was an engineer,,,we raised our children together,,,,started 'ladies clubs' together,,had fun, talking and doing, but mostly me obeying and listening. My mom is all the malignant narcissistic traits…this friend was a figure that represented my mom,,, but I thought we were friends.
It started when we volunteered at our childrens grade school. She, a teacher by trade, me a secretary by trade – I helped to be obedient to her ideas. It was ok for me but she loved school and pretty much lived there. The first or second time I was at the grade school helping, she ignored me, treated me as if I didn't exist. She was with new important school volunteer moms' and I wasn't acknowledged or included. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and then she could blame all the mishaps of the playing on my daughter and totally ignore the bad behavior of her children. Her husband is a functioning successful alcoholic ,, both of them never disciplined their children. Before he got transferred away, I told her of 12 steps and alcoholism. She went to Al Anon for a year, but mostly to find new friends. Away they went…When they returned to Dallas, they moved totally across the city to a newer neighborhood. My mistake was that I thought we were friends. My expectations were too high. She couldn't be a best friend. She only new how to collect and attract new friends, as her husband did also. When I was discarded, it meant nothing to her because I was a pawn in her game of COLLECTIONS of humans to adore her and her husband. Both of their parents were dead when they had their first childs wedding. We weren't invited. I had told her , that I would love to come to a wedding a year earlier. She and her husband had no family in town, their parents dead,,, who did they invite to their country club wedding? Not us, the two who knew their girls as babies for 8 years…We were forgotten. I started selling antiques and have been doing that for near 20 years. When my husband was getting near retiring early, I read books on narcissism because my mom was one and so was my husband. I was shocked at the beginning of reading Will I EVer Be Good Enough. One book said 'check your friends – they will be Narcissists'….. and they were
In the past 4 years, I have come to realize that mom, friends, husband were narcissists. I'm in therapy, my husband went for awhile to not being able to handle the truth of my research and me outright blaming him for being a not so good father to our son and a crap husband who counter parented in order to harm me. And me blaming him for ignoring our ADHD son's needs and doctor visits to help this disorder.
I unfriended this girlfriend, after reading books… I haven't heard a peep from her in 3 years. She is on her 5th house in Dallas and she walked in on me working at my antique shop. We went to dinner with her husband now retired. He looks bad,,,the drinking has aged him beyond his years. She looks great….She is still collecting friends and houses and country clubs and parties and fake people/friends…I went to this dinner with expectations of NOTHING. Expect nothing and know that we are in the presence of two narcissists. Dinner was fine, new house was beautiful… and away we went…. I know that we will never be friends. I looked at the pictures of her two daughters in their wedding dresses and I was sad. What I learned is,,, expect nothing from these narcissistic people. I'm NC with my mom for 4 years. Mom didn't come to my only daughters wedding. Mom said 'no way' to the invitation. I said 'no way' to mom.
Once you realize your family or origin never loved you, life comes crashing down along with the expectations that you place on all the narcissistic people you gravitate towards over the years.
It's good to know I'm not alone!! I just dumped my friend of 3 1/2 years! I knew she was controlling but I didn't realize she was a narcissist until recently when she was chasing a married man and took no blame. I put up with her sob story but was just shocked that she was blaming everyone but herself. I wrote several emails for her to wake up and see that this is and will always be called ADULTERY! She had no shame, she had been divorced twice. I finally wrote to her that she was hurting herself and her friends. How could I actually be a friend to her, which in my mind, I was condoning her behavior if I stayed her BFF. I had to confront her. I wish I just could have dropped out of sight but I must have wanted closure. I had to let her know that she had no values and that she is taking something that didn't belong to her. I also said she had a dysfunctional family as her father was on his 4th wife and this was not acceptable behavior in the real world. She fired back with rage in 6 emails. She was mean and cruel to me.
She feels entitlement and bragged that her parents were diplomats. She was discustingly bragging how she was a singer, artist, and the list went on and on. I fear that these narcs will get vindictive at a later date. I just wonder if she knows that she has a personality disorder and I wonder if she knows that I found out what she really is! The sad thing is that I still care about her but I'm strong enough to end it. I know I'm an empathic person but I will make better choices now.
These people are absolutely insane. I attract these people, but can now rid myself of them quickly. I had such a friend for years, and when speaking of her friendships, it was a non stop declaration of "all she does for others". Constantly helping someone, sacrificing, rescuing, mentoring…a real mother Theresea. The big question was always "when can I do what I want, when is it my turn". We avoided her, especially avoided asking for anything. Need to borrow baking powder? Expect chores to be hurled at you for the next 40 min. "Mop that, oh can you finish the bathroom, grab the trash on you way out, bring that rug in"…later you would here that she said "always borrowing from me, and I get nothing". I do not miss this person at all. She was much worse then illustrated here.
Wow…the way you describe a female narcissist is so spot on. I have a ex-friend of 30+ years since we were on kindergarten. All those years in school, college, young adult life etc. Sometimes she wpuld be in and out of my life but always came back to me when she needed what she wasn't getting from other people. But the true test of friendship came when I needed someone. She blew me off…we know each others families, grewtogether. She just blew me off. Did not answer the phone, would not return calls, was too busy with something if I did get through. I stopped calling. It has been 4 years now and I learned she was a narcissist in therapy but the mamnemanner in which you describe in the above article is so smack on!! I am glad I learned a lot but still sad I wasted all those years thinkingthis person was my best friend. She never has frfriends. Just loser boyfriends she can control. I used to feel bad for her that she was meeting the bad boys, but that is what she likes. The smart ones would see through her…thanks for such a great article.
I'm seeing it now. Narc wife just left me after I basically supported her to get a doctorate degree and start a charter school. She got in with big billionaires that name begins with a W. She told me after I started to stick up for myself that she was leaving. I said, good, you want to leave, then you leave. I stay in the house and keep the kids. Just filed for separate maintenance. The article is very helpful because this started right after her mom died and my ex had a hellacious time growing up with her mother. My eyes are opening, oh my gosh! I still have the ashes of her mom in my house. I loved my mother in law. But, she started to really bust on me after alzheimer's kicked in. I told my ex that first it was her mom then after she died you started on me. That was a very interesting thing for me to say, now knowing this new information.I'm learning so much. We went to counseling a number of times but the ex would not follow the instructions saying they were beneath her and asked for more intellectual program Finally, it came down to her despising me and my family. Claiming I was not up to her level of intellectually or vocationally, even after I was working non-stop for four years to get her where she is now. I was used and I'm really hurting.
After experiencing one narc in my life the next one was easier to detect. All the warning signs were there so I thank my first narc for educating me with the experience to survive any others that crept into my life. They are clever at doing this. The may buy you little gifts, flatter you and tell you all about their unfortunate lives where they are always the victim. They love drama as that gets them attention. The one thing that still tends to bother me is people don't believe you when you warn them about the narc. A narc will set you up and are experts at playing people off against each other.. I found it easier to watch their games from the outside and never be part of those games as they know how to win no matter what. The only way to deal with a narc is to run.
Help. I have a so called friend that is so needy. She has no other friends and acts like she can't live without my friendship. However she is always negative and needy. She almost stalks me. My family all want me to end the friendship. How do I do that without feeling guilty. She is always blaming everyone for everything in her life. Nothing is caused by her actions or lack of action. It is always someone else that made it happen.
Is she narcissistic ?
Hi I hope to get some kind of closure to 2 what l thought were friends. One woman I met a few years ago, seemed lovely and the right kind of person to have in my life. We went out and socialised and life was good. This woman started to call me every morning before I went to work… Her stories of people who are trying to destroy her business worried me…but when I asked her who are these people she couldn't name them…. That was just the start. I introduced her to my friends and aquaintances and on face value a lovely woman… Little did I know as I confided in her about experiences i had with people as she made me feel I could …she was gathering ammunition to use against me. She told people in was unkind and nasty and also tried to get me fired from my job. I had to get the police involved and a harassment order on her. She sent one back …and stalks me and now goes around with people I used to know…..turn these people against me and now I'm isolated from them. The abuse i received from her I couldn't repeat. The second woman who came in to my life just over a year ago we became great friends in felt I could open up to my experience of this woman and told her all about it…. It's only just recently I have noticed a shift in her behaviour and she has attempts at humiliating me and also turned my whatbi thought were good friends against me…. Although I do know none of them show any sort of loyalty to each other. I have received an awful text from her as I called on her humiliating me and asked her why? All i got was a reflection of her stating that I shouldn't say anything and gondown the confronting road as I would get very lonely as though she was the only good friend I had in the world. She also got a woman to text me and tell mechow nasty I am and that I'm not a good mother… It's been a terrible few years for me and ive had to turn my back on a lot of people as I now have serious trust issues… Would therapy help and am I narcissistic is that why I attract these women all I've ever wanted was a close friendship in my life someone I could trust 100 % ..i do have a very loving relationship with my daughter we are close and happy. I live with my dad who is my rock and look after him …. I have a lot of empathy for others but am finding it hard to be myself as I feel this is what attracts this kind of person in my life. It hurtful and I feel betrayed by these people I don't andcwont be like them. I'm independent and have a good job I hold my own…but these people have problems oozing out of them and they won't help themselves …. Some answers would really help now my heart feels like its been ripped out and I suppose I'm grieving … Thank you I hope others can get help from my experience too.
I am in the process of realizing that my BFF is a narcissist. She is the popular girl- sounds so high school- but everyone thinks she's fantastic. I put a lot of work into that friendship. Her marriage started to crumble and I was there every inch of the way. Every night at her place, listening to her while crying. She started an affair with a married man, married to a friend- not a close friend, but in the same circle. I kept that secret for a long time. No one else knew. I actually took pride in being such a good friend, the kind of friend I always wanted in my life. Was she a good friend to me? Sure- we had so many great times together. but looking back, when she said "I've been there for you too", I can't help but think "when?" I have never been in a situation where she had to support me this way.. Actually at one point, when my marriage was struggling and I, of course not right, was being "pursued" by someone else and I told her she couldn't "be involved as it wasn't right", but years later I guess she changed her mind on that one. Now, I never acted on it and my marriage soon got stronger and survived and flourished. Hers fell apart. When the word came out about the affair, she was shunned. I was by her side, and I was shunned too. She did, many many times thank me for being there and that she felt bad for the situation I had been put in, but I made that choice, to stand by her. However as time passed, when I expressed that I felt lonely, because after this, I didn't feel like I had anyone but her as my friend. The response had then become "well, they had issues with you before anyways, this affair is just an excuse for them to not invite you anymore- they simply didn't like you". I was so hurt by that- of course I believed it and it made me depressed. Now fast forward, the affair is still on and off, she has a new job etc and really, a new life. I hardly ever hear from her and when I do, it is only if I make the contact and usually it's very short responses. We only see each other if I make a suggestion. I told her recently that I was sad that we never saw each other anymore and her response was that she was so busy with her job. But apparently not too busy to have a social life with other people- hello FaceBook. So I feel thrown to the wayside. I know I have to stop and realize what's going on- there is nothing wrong with me… Right????? She has done this to 2 other people j know and recently one of those and I had a talk (we used to be friends but when they "broke up" I picked a side. And this woman told me all she had said about me, everything I had confided in her, she had repeated to the, at the time, mutual friend..( this friend was also dropped like a hot potato like I feel like I am..) The only reason to why I'm not cutting all contact is that we have mutual friends and as I have zero confidence in being valued by these people on my own account, I am afraid that she will start talking bad about me (as she obviously has done before) and those friends will cut me off- everyone seems to believe this woman can do no wrong… Am I right?? Or ??
very life saving article . i also suffered from this type females ,treated her like
own family's member. since last 9 years.till her object fulfilled she act respectfully, now i am worthless
what i do
Hi everyone! I too, just got out of a 48 year "friendship" with a textbook narcissist. I feel if I start telling my story right now, my head will spin out of control. She has been such a horrible cancer in my life, but I kept her around anyway out sentimental reasons. But this year I made a promise to myself that I would call her out for her lies and end this death spiral of a relationship we've had since we were 3. Of course she denied everything, told me that she thinks my meds have made me hostile and angry and I'm targeting her for no reason. Thank God for sites like yours that I was able to recognize what she was doing and am finally able to walk away knowing that it's not me, it's her. I gave her permission to tell herself and her friends and family whatever she had to do make me look like the bad guy, but that I was done. It's the best I've ever felt! One day I will tell you all the very looooooong and torturous story of this ridiculously one sided friendship. It will make everyone here feel much better! And if I could get out, so can you!
I had a rich aunt who used to organize a children's dance event, inviting groups to perform in a theater for their parents. She invited many volunteers to help out, including me, and we all worked quite hard, or at least gave up a whole weekend for it. It was all well organized and we were tired but happy about the successful evening. All well.
What surprised me is that she never wondered if it wasn't strange that she just made thousands of dollars for herself doing this. I mean she was rich, and she invited many people, many of whom were rather poor themselves to volunteer, and she just thought it was completely normal to make big cash for herself. She was even proud of this business model and I noticed many other volunteers never said anything about it. When I tried to ask about it once I noticed she got a little angry about the question.
How would you describe this type of behavior? It was not the only thing of course, just wondering about this example.
Hi all I think my so called friend has some of these nar traits ive been friends with her for about 15 years and last 2 years I've noticed what she is like. She criticises a lot of people esp looks wise or overweight etc. Whenever we would hang out it always seemed to be on her terms where we would go or what we would do. If I was running 15 mins late to meet in city despite texting her im running late her facial expressions would be extremely annoyed but she would stay quiet. Or say something sarcastically. This past year I have been ill on and off which I'm waiting on proper treatment for a physical ailment which I toldnher about so hard for me to make social commitments so xmas time I had to cancel coz was ill I had no reply from her. And recently I cancelled but I gave my ticket to a mutual friend so she wouldn't miss out and get a nasty text from her ending in we should stop pretending to be friends. Before I invited a mutual friend out with us and she refused to answer her phone and door to me. Never get apologies from her as never her fault. No compassion for ppl being ill. She accused me of lying to her many times so those times couldn't meet with her I must have been lying even tho I'd have lost money if I booked us something. She now told me she deleted my number etc. I'm done with her. Horrible selfish person. I was always on edge seeing her towards the last few years. Glad to be rid of her. I'm sure she done the same to many others even tho talks badly of them.
I have been reading so many articles on this lately, that my head is spinning.
I have had a friend for more than 10 years. Very sweet, out going and very popular, well dressed and pretty. It has been a struggle for me. When I first moved to town, I was trying to make friends. We met at our kids preschool and we became friends immediately. A larger group of women also formed and we all had a great time together, did things together etc. at some point I felt some of the ladies started to distance themselves from me and I wasn't included in things. My "BFF" was always included, but was okay with me not being included. When I expressed that it made me feel sad the answer was always "you can't expect to be invited to everything". I guess that is true… Down the line, still sad that some of the girls obviously "didn't care for me" and I talked to her about it (they were still close with her), the answer was always "well, you've always had issues with them".. I never knew what those issues were. Still don't. Fast forward many years, my "BFF" had a marital crisis, had an affair with a friend's husband and I was always there to support her. Though it's not okay to have an affair with a friend's husband, I stood by her as a BFF should. Almost every night was dedicated to her and to listen to her problems. When the affair became public, I was shunned as well, because it was perceived that I approved of her behavior.. Which I guess I did.. Truth is, I always took pride in being her friend. Now, however, or friendship is ending. She has moved on. We still share friends and I recently started speaking to an old, mutual friend who my "BFF" also had a falling out with years ago. And she has now confirmed my suspicions. When I wasn't included, my BFF was the one who didn't want me there. She had called me a "leech", "annoying", a copy- cat (we always shopped together and we both copied each other and influenced each other when we did so). She was told by this mutual friend that she knew of my deep secrets that I had trusted my "BFF" with (though I didn't breathe a word of her shenanigans for years to anyone), and when "new people" came into our group of girls, she apparently had "pre-warned" them about me. That I wasn't trustworthy and clingy and needy. For all those years, when I struggled with not being included and liked for no reason apparent to me, she was the one who had created it- she was the one who had put me down and out. As I mentioned, she has now moved on, and I guess that is part of life. I told her, before I heard of the above, that I missed her and that I didn't like the direction I felt our friendship was headed. It was always dismissed by "I'm so busy". I always questioned if I had done something wrong, said something wrong, and she always said "not at all, I'm just busy". Really? Too busy to send a text once in a week to check in? Now that she clearly doesn't need me to sit with her every night, give up family time (which is my fault as I gladly gave as much of myself as I possibly could, to her), she doesn't need me, and moved on to another girl in "our group". I know this sounds so little and as my husband says "who cares"… He is a smart guy and he saw through her a long time ago. He never understood- I always had a big FOMO, fear of missing out. It would break my heart when I saw pictures on Facebook of events where i wasn't included. I guess I put my eggs in one basket. She took everything I had in me to give outside my family and I neglected other friendships to be there for her. As we were such close friends, we shared a lot of opinions of other girls in the group and my biggest fear is that she will use my words to make me look bad- which I was – and so was she. i can now sense that the friend she is now "mooching" on, is taking a distance from me, and knowing what my "BFF" has said about me in the past, I'm pretty sure that hasnt changed. I feel so stupid for not seeing through her…
It absolutely baffles me to read these. I'm 22, and have been trying to figure out for a roller coaster ride of a year and a half now how to do anything to bring life back to the person I once became the best of friends with. My heart is broken. I can't help her and I don't believe my once closest friend of all my life is what I've come to realize, a narcissist. I know why exactly to the "T", why she is the way she is, and she's hurting and hurting me, which I know for a fact she truly cares for me deeply. I know, now I can't sacrifice my well-being and myself for her wrong doings. I watch her go from relationship to relationship unsatisfied and quick to jump ship with every person she gets involved with. I fear that the person outside of blood family, I care most about is going to live a life of regret, and it only makes me want to fight more to save the person I know still lives inside. This person has had a rough upbringing, as we all, but with that being said has been apart from her mom, raised by a coward and a POS. I know way too familiar and she hurts me again and again. I see through it, I'd give my whole life to prove to her what she is doing and what she deserves not by the expense of others' happiness. She's a taker and I have a hard time letting go because I know so much as to why she does every single little thing she does and never gives me credit for. This has been the hardest tackle of my life, and I don't even attached to, ANYBODY. I know, it's best to go my own way and to move on, but I am not too sure. Would you want anybody who knew the real you, somebody, just anybody to never give up on you? When everyone else in their life just gave up and walked away.. Maybe it's the day I die, but if it's to see that bright caring, and loving smile wide as the pacific ocean coast view one more time when it has been hidden for too long… I'd live and die for that. Call me crazy, but At one point she was all I had, and if I am the truest and till death loyal to her, if I'm somewhat of all that she's got… I can never, never walk away. It'd be like walking away from myself, and that's just not who I am. I'm torn. I beat the hell out of myself when I know she's beating me..lolol she thinks she is so powerful…I know her best and the more I see her taking everything I do as weakness, the tighter my grip goes. I have issues lets just say as i'm lol, takes one to know one right? lmao Any input? Btw background, closest friends of years since day one, she moved out of state at 18 to the state I've lived all my life, met in HS, lived with her and her family, she has been a major part of my life when I had gone through my most turbulent times, and so have I to her. We had a BS falling out as so a narcissist has with any short lived relationship of any sort, and to this day we are back and forth. Paige 22, ex biff, Heather 24. I'm about to part ways for good, she is deleted off of social media at this point, and I'm moving to OK from WA. If anything is going to happen that will change anything in the future of our friendship it's now…. or it's going to be a hard long while if ever from now. I appreciate all who read and hear my story for how summarized it is. 😉 With love, Paige
How do we deal with a daughter in law' that we have come to realize is a narcissist? It is horrid trying to deal with her! It has to be her way and all about her or the cold shoulder is given!! Which, truthfully, I no longer try to warm! 10 plus years of this nonsense is enough! We feel badly for our son…who will not leave the relationship because she has convinced him if he did she would get the children, and he knows what kind of mother she isn't! Someone suggested maybe she is bipolar, so I looked that up, and it just doesn't "fit the bill" like narcissist does.
Thank you for this insightful article. I was reading up about a man I had just become romantically linked with, after 5-years of friendship and realise he has narcissist traits. However on further reading I realise that I too am narcissist, I constantly drop friends when I'm bored and move on and wonder why I can't retain relationships. I am then left feeling depressed, lonely and wonder why I can't make real friends. I also wait for people to invite me out, as fear of rejection if I initiate it. I talk too much about myself than listening to others, and perhaps show little sympathy in friends situations, not wishing to engage in emotion. Underneath there is a insecurity and yet I feel different and perhaps do believe I'm better than others. I seek relationships with other narcissists, and haven't got a close relationship (or sense love) for my mother. These are all issues I'm becoming aware of, at 42. Using CBT, Mindfulness and meditation I hope to break through these. Also realise I seek men to get their approval once I know they like me I get bored and relationships fizzle…
I recently realised my friend of 14 years is a narcissist. She's fun, charismatic in a crowd, attractive & a real show pony. Then I began to do some research about narcissism as she was claiming that her husband was a narcissist. They had been married for 7 yrs & separated for 5 months. Throughout her marriage I never once saw her show any affection to her husband or encourage him or even have a decent conversation with him. She claims he abused her but the only abuse I saw was from her to him. I witnessed her jumping on his back, punching him & clawing at him. She claims it was because he drove her to do it. Conversation with this 'friend' were always one sided whenever it was my turn to talk she would instantly get distracted, look away & totally vague out every time! If I was in the middle of a conversation with someone else she would come over & completely hijack the conversation & make it all about her. If you were sick or had anything wrong with you she would make you feel like a complete lepper. There were so many ways she would make me feel a lesser person & she was always bragging about how she could do anything. One Mother's Day she even turned to me and stated that she was the best mother….aah I think that's a bit insensitive & presumptuous seeing as I'm a mother too! I began to realise she was the narcissist so I started to put some boundaries in place. 1. Not be her counsellor. 2. Not compliment her when she fished for compliments. 3. Take charge of phone conversations & be the first to end the conversation. 4. Start meeting new people & tell her about it to show you have a life outside of her. After a week of this my friend questioned me as to whether I was a real friend or not. She tried to bring up dirt from the past to pin on me but it backfired as I was aware she was trying to discard me. I stood my ground, kept my boundaries up, didn't let her manipulate me or make me feel guilty. It was a 33 minute argument/ battle which I ended up winning when she couldn't manipulate me & she had a complete temper tantrum like a 5 yo! She told me to get out of her house & from that moment I was free.
I can relate to so much of these comments. This post is great. I have spent 41 years (my life) with narcissists. Throughout my recovery and discovery, I have seen patterns in my life where I was acting narcissisticaly. It wasn't until the last Narc in 2014- disguised as a romantic relationship did I awaken to this phenomenon!!! Thankfully the pain was too great to go on as usual and I did some digging- or peeling as Christine says. I literally had to clean house which meant being utterly alone without socializing- or any forms of distraction. I had to go No contact with a friend of 20 years who turned on me right as I was reeling from the realization of the romantic narc. I had to cut off FB, change my phone number, and finally my email address. The two of them suddenly seemed so much like each other in their toxcicity. Unfortunately it brought about the realization of my mother as well. As of now, my life is far more peaceful than ever. I got therapy and dove into an online support group and keep my circle very small these days. I love not being on Fb, and I now am able to set boundaries with people I deal with. I also work in an industry flooded with Ns, but I just sit back and don't dare get involved. It's not lonely, it's quite healthy. Thank you for this article and I hope this may help anyone dealing with emotional turmoil or difficult people.
My heart breaks reading this. I had someone I considered my best friend. Our husbands were childhood friends and we were so close. But cracks began to show when I told her I no longer wanted to listen to her slagging off her husband. She simply went out and found someone else who would listen then became obsessed with them. Having found a new victim she turned on me. She tried to turn my own friends and family against me, (friends i had introduced her to as she had none) she told people i was mentally ill (I had a tumour) I was a compulsive liar (all behind my back) and then she ruined my hen do. It was at this point i decided to cut all ties, so she then used her husband to attack me, forcing my husband to end his lifelong friendship with him. two years later and she still tries to hurt me, she uses her facebook/pininterest and instagram as tool to post vicious posts directed at me, my family and friends. She accuses me of being fake, she loathes the fact that I have a large number of friends (all of whom cut ties with her) She plays the victim at every turn and it has been so hard not to retaliate. Her mother left her dad when she was 5 and she chose to stay with her dad, however she still regularly saw her mother (this story has evolved into her mother abandoned her and is mentally ill) her dad married an Italian when she was 15 and left her to live in Italy (she worships her dad, so this story became he was forced to leave for tax purposes) she has been bullied in every area of her life (school, uni, work, friends, husband and now me) she claims to have an eating disorder that has her new friends seriously worried about her health, and I am so mad I fell for it!!!
She is like a dark shadow that lingers, I realise she needs me in her life to continue playing the victim but it is exhausting trying to work out ways to protect myself….
Wow- the behaviors she acted out are just like the ex friend. I even deleted my pinterest. She fb messages people sometimes looking for me with a sob story yet she knows where I live. She sits home all day and trolls social networking sites. Etc etc. I can totally relate.
I have had a number of narcissistic friends over the years as I was raised by narcissistic parents and I was so used to unacceptable behavior by people close to me.
One friend in particular I think targeted me in advance of her divorce. I took care of her throughout –fielding tearful phone calls, sometimes 10 a day!, her dropping by
without warning sometimes, exhausted and hungry, she would use my computer while I cooked her up a meal. I'd also take care of her child while she went off on errands
and later dates and social gatherings.
At first, during the typical love bombing phase I was like her sister, we practically did everything together. I was very vulnerable, trapped in an abusive marriage
I welcomed what seemed like an ebullient personality into my life. What I realize now, in retrospect, what I mistook for a great personality was someone who
fed off her vulnerable friends worship and the minion like assumption of chores in her life and the triumph of her sexual conquests, which were usually men
involved in committed relationships.
Her typical modus operandi was to befriend the couple and act as if she were a great friend to the wife and then slowly put more and more energy into the husband or
boyfriend until she "triumphed" by either sleeping with him or getting him to do free handyman type work or some other service for her. Then the wife or girlfriend
would be made fun of or dismissed as being mentally unbalanced
As for myself when she had gone through her rough patch and she didn't need me anymore, I made the mistake of asking for 5 minutes of her time to listen to some
of my problems, she became cold as ice. When I mentioned my desire to go back to school for a Master's degree, she began to intensely criticize the idea for herself
as wasteful and unnecessary!! she was so completely unable to recognize any success on the part of her former minion. She tried to use my home as a trysting place
for one of her lovers, and when I put my foot down the relationship completely fizzled.
From that time on I grey rocked her until she almost disappeared from my life. The final hurrah was at a community event when she tried to arrange a date with my
husband in front of my son and I. Even though she knew I was contemplating divorce, flirting with him in front of myself and my son was a real slap in the face The
kicker was she became angry at the same event when I shared a simple laugh with her ex husband.
Narcissists are consumed by envy and the weird thing is, like the toddler in the sand box who wants that truck he hasn't played with in days, he wants your stuff too,
even though, until the moment he saw you with that new shiny thing (be it an educational degree, a new baby, a new talent) he had never thought of acquiring said
thing or talent. They want theirs and they want yours. They are the worst type of people to invest any time or friendship into as they care for nothing but their
fabricated image that they create off the backs of others
Wow! I just sent this link to my finace and told him "this is wikipedia for ___!!"
I've been friends with her for close to 10 years since college and I've finally reached my breaking point.
I just cannot stand her anymore and I don't feel any remorse towards her "self pity, look at me- i'm so sad and it's not my fault" attitude. Is there really no cure for her??
I tried to talk to her/ letter etc_ but honestly it always comes back as self pity and excuses.
I don't even know how her brain can work that way…. so scary.