text:
And while I enjoy it, I thought I'd run it through the good 'ol MemeBreaker 2000 (patent pending). Here's what it spat out:
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Hoarding Wealth Meme
I've run across this meme a lot over the years:
And while I enjoy it, I thought I'd run it through the good 'ol MemeBreaker 2000 (patent pending). Here's what it spat out:
And while I enjoy it, I thought I'd run it through the good 'ol MemeBreaker 2000 (patent pending). Here's what it spat out:
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 2:20 PM No comments:
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Birthday 46: The Hair
We all know it's not for my brilliant humor.
We all know it's not for my incisive political treatises.
We all know it's not for my moving stories of personal anguish.
It's the hair. You're here to see what color I did this year.
Well, I'll cut to the point. Hair you go. You don't want to mousse this. I hope you like my style of humor. Hope you don't dye laughing. Hope you like the final product. Are you feeling curlish?
Okay, I'm out of hairstyling jokes.
Jeez, I'm looking more and more like Bob from Twin Peaks as I get older.
|My last visit to the red lodge. Sadly, right after the red wedding.
|She put the woosh on my head on purpose. I think it's revenge for something I said.
Here's what that looks like.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 2:50 PM No comments:
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Birthday 46: Oops
So, you all remember last week?
The police were looking into the possibility Prince had an overdose. iPhone sales dropped in the first time since forever. Donald Trump was an idiot that was loved by an overwhelming number of idiots.
Seems like it was only last week.
Anyway, I wrote this post about my birthday. Quick precis: poor kids. Slightly longer precis: Instead of having a birthday party for myself, I wanted everyone to give money to a charity that throws birthday parties for homeless children.
Sounds like a nice idea, right?
I linked to Birthday Wishes, a charity that throws parties on the east coast. I meant to link to Birthday Dreams, which throws them nation-wide.
No! Wait, they do parties for kids in the "Puget Sound area." (Fun fact: Puget Sound is the name of a kind of light rock often played at coffee shops.)
I meant to link to The Birthday Party Project, which throws them nation-wide.
No! Wait, they... Oh, no, that was the right one.
It turns out there are several charities that give parties for homeless kids. Pick one. I'm sure they're all nice.
As for me, this whole experience has been too traumatic. I've given up on the idea of donating money for my birthday. I'm going to spend it on an assistant who can verify all the URLs I post here.
In the meantime, check out this cute picture of a little, fuzzy kitten.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 3:10 PM No comments:
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Birthday 46: The Final Decision
So, I'm about to be old. Really, really old. Old enough to be your father old. Old enough for people to describe the decades of my childhood as a pre-technological wasteland. Old enough that people younger than me die of natural causes. Old enough to know better. Old as...
|Two things I'm older than.
Oh, right, I've got a birthday coming up. Now, as you know, I do awesome things on my birthday every year, but I've been running out of awesome things to do. I needed more awesomeness. A birthday concept with a lot of awesomeosity.
I decided on microbirthdays; I would travel to friends's homes with cake, candles, and drinks to share. I even created a form so people could submit birthday requests.
Nobody submitted any requests.
At first I was a bit disappointed (i.e. hurt) and became despondent (i.e. angry). Then I had an uncomfortable epiphany (i.e. night of drunkenness). I was being selfish (i.e. normal for me). I should use my birthday to bring joy to others (i.e. losers I don't know). I would buy dozens of small cakes and bring them to a homeless shelter on my birthday. They'd get a nice cake, and I'd get the gratitude of many, maybe they'd sing happy birthday.
Then I had another uncomfortable epiphany (i.e. disturbing moment of clarity that puts my character and history into doubt). I was still being selfish. I needed to do something selfless.
This is Birthday Wishes. They throw birthday parties for homeless children. So far, they've donated tens of thousands of them. I'm going to take the money I was going to spend on a birthday party and send it to them.
Here's what I want you to do:
If you were going to buy me a present, just send that money to them.
If you were going to buy me a card, just sent that money to them (plus a little more, I'd hope).
If you were going to wish me a happy birthday, send them a lot of money as penance for being a cheap bastard.
Now that is an awesome birthday.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 10:11 AM No comments:
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Have Your Family Tried 'Em? Powdermilk!
Everyone knows that the things you make at home taste better and are better for you than anything processed or store bought. I decided to test this idea; I made buttermilk biscuits this morning.
But I decided to go full out. I'd make them as much from scratch as I could.
These would be God Biscuits: biscuits so perfect chefs from around the world would come to stare in awe.
First: Buttermilk
You can buy buttermilk from the store, but I was told (by a reputable source called The Internet) it doesn't taste the same as real buttermilk. Instead, I bought cream. Turns out you can make your own buttermilk by making butter. The problem is, making butter isn't as easy as it looks in performances of Oklahoma.
Rodgers and Hammerstein made it look like you put cream in a toilet brush holder and pump it up and down a few times.
Yeah, don't do that.
According to The Internet, all you have to do is shake cream for a few minutes. Turns out, if you shake cream for a few minutes, you get whipped cream. I had to use a blender.
Rodgers and Hammerstein need to update Oklahoma to add an electric butter churn.
Second: Butter
You need butter to make biscuits, so I was going to have to make butter myself. I took some cream and shook it until...
Oh, wait, I already did that. Turns out when you make buttermilk, you also make butter. Explains the name.
Third: Self-Rising Flour
To make self-rising flour, you have to grow wheat, separate out the hulls, and grind it into flour. Then, you add baking powder, which you make by mixing baking soda with an acid salt. You have to make baking soda. Baking soda is made by combining sodium chloride, ammonia, and carbon dioxide in water. You get sodium chloride by evaporating salt water (putting it in a pan in the sun under a magnifying glass) and then going to the store and buying some fucking self-rising flour god damn it.
Fourth: Mixing and Baking
Mix and bake.
Fifth: Digestion
Apply butter and serve with skim milk and then marvel at how your biscuits don't taste worse than the ones at McDonalds.
Sixth: Epiphany
As I was eating, I thought about how I could go even further back in the process, make things even more from scratch. I could get whole milk and skim the cream off the top. Then I'd separate the cream into butter and buttermilk.
Then I'd combine the butter and buttermilk again to make biscuits. Then I'd combine the butter and butter and buttermilk and milk to make a meal.
So, I'd separate milk into three ingredients and then combine them back again.
Seventh: Laziness
Next time, I'll just drink a glass of whole milk and save myself the trouble.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 11:24 AM No comments:
Labels: True Tales of Adventure
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Pope Pedicures
Pope: Welcome. You are safe. Be at peace.
Syrian Refugee: Thank you! I've been through the worst experience of my life. Family members killed by ISIS. Paying my life's savings to escape. Losing my wife overboard. Being forced into camps instead of allowed into countries.
Pope: I'm so sorry.
Syrian Refugee: And did you see that camerawoman tripping people? What's up with her?
Pope: It's all over now, my child.
Syrian Refugee: Thank you.
Pope: I want to wash your feet.
Syrian Refugee: I beg your pardon?
Pope: I want to wash your feet.
Syrian Refugee: I'm flattered, but I'm really not into the kinky stuff.
Pope: It's not sexual. It's a sign of humility and service towards others.
Syrian Refugee: I'd understand if you wanted to wash my hair. I haven't had access to shampoo in months, but why my feet?
Pope: Christ washed the feet of His disciples before the Last Supper.
Syrian Refugee: Well, okay. I guess I could sit through a pedicure. Could you use that clear nail polish? If any of my guy friends saw I had red toe nails...
Pope: No, I'm just going to wash them.
Syrian Refugee: And you're sure it's not a fetish?
Pope: It will be a symbol for everyone who supports your cause. It will engender compassion in those who fear you and pressure on those leaders who try to repel you. It is definitely not sexual.
Syrian Refugee: Okay, then.
Pope: Good. Now you understand I'll be wearing special robes and have someone film me doing it to you...
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 3:53 PM No comments:
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Meme Career 5
With the internet economy, everybody seems to be posting this sign or arguing that you shouldn't.
|Speaking of which, I totally will.
I've seen this meme a lot recently, too.
|Another reason Radio Shack went out of business.
Which isn't entirely true. You can't get headphones on your phone. You have to carry them separately.
|Some day cell phone manufacturers will make one you can actually hear.
However, they forgot to point out something.
|Because a phone is better and cheaper than friends.
And, of course, there's one thing they really should have mentioned.
|The real reason anyone uses a phone. Or, the internet, really.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 10:00 AM No comments:
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
My Best Insult
I'm not all the good at insults. Sure, I talk a good game (Get it? Insults are spoken! Get it?!), but I always seize up when insulted in person. I'm just not that quick. Five minutes later, I have a good comeback.
Enter the internet. Every conversation is on threads. All comments are a few minutes apart. I'm suddenly 15% smarter than in person (and 30% sexier).
I'm also far more polite on the internet. Insulting someone from the anonymity of the internet is like what we gamers call Spawn Camping; you can hurt a large number of people without any consequences to yourself.
I never spawn camp. Also, I never play multiplayer shooters.
I'm also polite because I'm waiting to use a comeback in response to an insult. It's the online equivalent of a daisy-cutter bomb:
Insulting a stranger from the safety of the internet is the act of a coward.
I don't know why you choose to act this way, perhaps it's the abuse heaped on you by the men who pay you for sexual favors. Perhaps it's a genetic defect surfacing after generations of inbreeding.
Whatever the reason, I have no interest in talking to you anymore.
I don't know why this works so well. Whatever the case, most of my attackers go silent, block me, or (at the very least) sputter for a few hours and then come back with something incoherent about being insulted by someone they insulted.
Feel free to use it yourself. It's highly gratifying.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 1:31 PM No comments:
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
The Campbell's Soap
In trying to write a CV (a kind of pharmacy) I came across a television show I used to work on in college called The Campbell's Soap. It was a show on our local, college TV network. The premise of the show was...
I guess I don't remember. One kid was a serial killer. I decided he had a sock on his hand that told him to kill people. Okay, that might have been a rip off of Night Court.
Anyway, if you go on YouTube and can stomach your way through the horrible production values, poor acting, and crude conversion to the internet, you can see some of what I did.
Here's some samples:
The weird thing about it for me is that it's humor. I had a good time writing it. I'm happy just remembering working on it.
Why is humor so difficult now?
Maybe I need to work on a team. I wonder where all the kids from college went...
I guess I don't remember. One kid was a serial killer. I decided he had a sock on his hand that told him to kill people. Okay, that might have been a rip off of Night Court.
Anyway, if you go on YouTube and can stomach your way through the horrible production values, poor acting, and crude conversion to the internet, you can see some of what I did.
Here's some samples:
My scene is at 7:46 where they cart the killer away.
My scene is at about 27 seconds in about breaking up with someone (which I'd never done, hence the subtitles).
The weird thing about it for me is that it's humor. I had a good time writing it. I'm happy just remembering working on it.
Why is humor so difficult now?
Maybe I need to work on a team. I wonder where all the kids from college went...
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 10:40 AM No comments:
Sunday, March 20, 2016
GDC 2016 Booth Babe Report
Due to a shocking number of companies desperate for my time (or so I tell my children), I once again have little time to update this blog. However, in the interest of keeping my rabid fans happy (or so I tell my children), I'll give you a quick update on the number of booth babes at this year's Game Developer's Conference.
There was 1. Here she is, expressing how happy she is I deigned to take a picture with her.
She was there because of a game called Clash of Kings. Their company was conspicuously frugal in how they set up their booth.
Yes. Those are knights in armor preparing to have a sword fight.
Yes. Those are full-sized mannequins of knights on either side.
Yes. They built a fake castle with a carpet moat and field in front of it.
Yes. There is a movie screen above it.
Yes. Everyone at the conference got a Clash of Kings tote bag.
No. I don't think the game is any good. If you're putting that much money trying to advertise your game to geeks who make games, you're pretty desperate.
Now, if you want a good example of throwing money at geeks who make games, allow me to introduce you to the Destructoid party. What's Destructoid? That's an excellent question.
No, seriously, I have no idea what they are. All I know is that they had a party. The party looked like this:
It was nearly pitch black. The music was so loud it made my sternum vibrate.
It was packed with geeks who make games.
Oh, and they had a booth babe upstairs to greet everyone. Now this is how you do a booth babe:
I mean, I still don't know what Destructoid is, but I do know they're related to muscly guys wearing green robot heads.
So, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Oh, my GOD Matthew is so amazing! I want to name all my children after him. Also, does this mean the GDC is finally getting past its sexist roots?"
Well, yes and no. Yes, you can name your children after me. No, we're not past sexism. Other than the women who told me about unwanted touching by men at the conference, there was a Microsoft party where dancers dressed as erotic schoolgirls.
Oh and there was a guy outside the Moscone Convention Center who said "Independent game developer party tonight!" and handed me this card:
The battle rages on, friends.
There was 1. Here she is, expressing how happy she is I deigned to take a picture with her.
|"You're kinda cute for a game developer!"
|This picture doesn't even do it justice.
Yes. Those are full-sized mannequins of knights on either side.
Yes. They built a fake castle with a carpet moat and field in front of it.
Yes. There is a movie screen above it.
Yes. Everyone at the conference got a Clash of Kings tote bag.
No. I don't think the game is any good. If you're putting that much money trying to advertise your game to geeks who make games, you're pretty desperate.
Now, if you want a good example of throwing money at geeks who make games, allow me to introduce you to the Destructoid party. What's Destructoid? That's an excellent question.
No, seriously, I have no idea what they are. All I know is that they had a party. The party looked like this:
|This was the best picture I could get.
It was packed with geeks who make games.
Oh, and they had a booth babe upstairs to greet everyone. Now this is how you do a booth babe:
|The eyes also light up in red.
So, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Oh, my GOD Matthew is so amazing! I want to name all my children after him. Also, does this mean the GDC is finally getting past its sexist roots?"
Well, yes and no. Yes, you can name your children after me. No, we're not past sexism. Other than the women who told me about unwanted touching by men at the conference, there was a Microsoft party where dancers dressed as erotic schoolgirls.
Oh and there was a guy outside the Moscone Convention Center who said "Independent game developer party tonight!" and handed me this card:
|Yup. A strip club.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 4:00 PM No comments:
Labels: Current Events
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Saturday, March 5, 2016
I found plagiarism this morning, and it was so upsetting, I wrote this (admittedly self-indulgent) piece.
"When a man lies, he murders some part of the world."
Merlin, Excalibur
"I found them growing on a grave, which bore no tombstone, no other memorial of the dead man, save these ugly weeds. They grew out of his heart, some hideous secret that was buried with him."
Chillingworth, The Scarlet Letter
It's easy to condemn liars. It's easy to stand before the world and shout your purity. It's far harder to look within yourself, to root out falsehoods of your own devising. Myths creep into our thinking so subtly we don't see them, sometimes after they're impossible to ignore.
Deceit is a mixture of growth and poison. It starts as a tiny seed of self-preservation.
- It won't happen again.
- I'll make it up to her.
- He'd do it to me.
- I want it to be true.
- I'm desperate.
It may take years for these seeds to germinate, to sprout forth in horrid shoots.
- I want to stop, but I just can't.
- She's getting the better end of the bargain.
- He's worse than I am.
- I'd rather risk a lifetime than an eternity.
- It's not hurting me.
Then they bloom, they flow from the breast and split into choking leaves. You protect them. They're a part of you, nearly impossible to remove.
It's painful to dig them out. Their roots tangle around your ribcage. You have to tug at their stems rip them free from your flesh. The holes left behind never completely fill with earth again.
- I'm always going to be like this.
- I do lots of nice things for her.
- He deserves it.
- We don't know everything.
- They should have told me it was wrong.
Some can't; they end up with gruesome roots dangling from their hearts. In their shame, they hide them, cover them, seed others.
- You're no better.
- Never trust women.
- Don't be like him.
- You're too young to question.
- Only use this if you're desperate.
Our world is overrun by foliage. Forests, brush and grass covers everyone. The ponds are choked with green muck. The air is full of browning leaves and yellow pollen.
It is a beautiful, poisonous land we live in.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 9:43 PM No comments:
Labels: Bluster
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Meme Career 4
I was going to make a joke about the new Facebook emoticons, but I think The Oatmeal did that pretty well. The only one I'd add is:
Anyway, I'm tossing off (er, out?) a few more memes for you all to make viral (please!).
|Didn't you even think to check this BS out before posting?
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 1:06 PM No comments:
Friday, February 19, 2016
Shake Your Euphemism
I went to see Blue Man Group this week, and one of the highlights of the show was a song called Shake Your Euphemism.
If you don't want to watch the video, it's mostly a list of slang terms for your butt. As the song goes on, it switches from slang into the totally weird. Here's the lyrics.
Anyway, it got me thinking about my comedy training, and (long story short) I made up my own list. My methodology was, mainly, to pick an area of study or life and co-opt a term. Feel free to add your own in the comments below.
- Large following
- Wide load
- Trailer hitches
- Spanking targets
- Stockpiled warheads
- Arthur TwoSheds Jackson
- Twin compost heaps
- Natural geodesic domes
- Pair of chutes
- Super PACs
- Occipital lobes
- Back boobs
- Kettle bells
- Rear cup holder
- Nature's pompons
- Backward eyes
- Wide receivers
- Sitting asphyxiators
- Back-end blockages
- GOP think tanks
- Absolute dating
- Bering land bridges
- Coal basin
Got a bit absurd and reduced to me going through realms of knowledge looking for terms that might apply ("Hm. I wonder if there's a funny term from high-energy particle physics..."), so I stopped.
Any of these make you laugh?
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 5:19 AM No comments:
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Excuses, Excuses...
Preparing to leave California for Florida (theme parks ahoy!) I planned to do two blog posts ahead of time. However:
- The lesson I'm working on in my comedy book is less "write something funny" and more "transcribe something funny." It didn't seem "postable."
- The memes I created appear to still be on the hard disk of my computer at home and not on Dropbox. I blame Dropbox's programmers.
- After 18 hours at Magic Kingdom, I'm ready for a nap (dirt or otherwise).
And so, I leave you with the only funny thing I can think of at 12:37 in the morning (give or take three seconds).
We have a lot of people to schlep from place to place, so we got two giant vans. Really one giant van and one enormous van. While opening the rear doors of the latter, I noticed this lever.
Confused, I leaned forward to see what the logo was.
I stared at it for a long time before I realized what it meant. If you pull this lever, a small child will be ejected onto the road.
Oh come on, that's funny, right?
I told you I was tired.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 9:44 PM No comments:
Friday, February 5, 2016
Comedy Lesson 2.5
Part two of the assignment is to use one of several tools in the book to generate ten sketch ideas. I'm going to go with the one where you create three columns: people, places, and props (or, as comedians call it, the PPP or the "creative raspberry"). Then you randomly combine them into sketch ideas.
Here goes:
Refrigerator repairman/woman
A jungle
Cheap magic trick
Living spark of electricity
The desert
Shy tourist
On a plane
Broken radio
Monster truck rally
Box of 18 plastic banana peels
Police officer
Crawlspace of a house
Circus tent
A scratched LP
Trunk of a car
Curtain rod
Okay, ten sketches:
- A giant who has been hiding in the trunk of a car for many years with only a copy of an 18th century girls' etiquette book to entertain himself.
- A zombie who repairs cars at a monster truck rally who can't get a radio to work (every time he changes the channel it advertises food, sending him into a frenzy).
- A soldier guarding a desert outpost complaining he was sent without sunblock while people are dropping bombs on him ("Yeah, I've got enough ammo, but I'm starting to freckle!").
- A shy tourist who was sent to vacation in the crawlspace under someone's house (he was too shy to point out the error) so he sits in a tiny chair, his head tilted to one side so he can fit under the floor and tries to enjoy it.
- A space police officer dumbfounded by a criminal who uses a cheap magic trick to confuse him.
- A living spark of electricity running wild in the electronics of an airplane radio and complaining about the stations.
- A refrigerator repairman in the jungle whose tools have accidentally been replaced with a box of 18 plastic banana peels.
- A demon comes to the circus and complains about the terrible seats (chair).
- A zombie magician (circus tent) who keeps trying to impress people with his cheap plastic magic trick.
- A giant airline pilot (airplane) who can't see out the window (curtain rod).
Hm. Didn't use jungle or scratched LP. Kinda had to force the curtain rod in there. I suppose those things aren't particularly funny on their own.
Frankly, none of these seem all that funny. I don't think my problem is an absence of funny premises (although it's nice to be able to come up with them). I don't want to write comedy sketches. I want to be able to add comedy to my existing writing projects.
Maybe that's next week's lesson.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 4:31 PM No comments:
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Comedy Lessons Part 2
Here we are at week 2 of my comedy lessons.
If you're just joining us, just go back and look at last week's description. Jeez, I have to explain what's going on? Again?! This is like the first chapter of every Harry Potter book:
Harry stopped in front of a mirror. He immediately noticed his green eyes, lightning-shaped scar, and crazy hair he got from his parents who were supposed to be killed in a car accident but were actually wizards (or a witch and wizard, as some liked to say at Hogwarts, the magic school - cf. Durmstrang and Beauxbatons) who were killed by Voldemort -- a terrifying dark wizard who wanted to rule the world for no well-explained reason.
"Harry, why are you staring at the mirror?" Hermione said. Hermione was an unusually bright girl who is described as unattractive, but really was. Harry felt no romantic feelings for her at all in spite of the fact that he was a teenage boy and had "romantic feelings" about everyone around him, including several of the house elves (for more on house elves, see paragraphs 10, 18, and 35 below).
He thought about how awful it was they called her a "mudblood." A mudblood was a witch born of non-magical parents and the Death Eaters -- wizards who ate at McDonald's -- wanted to kill them all because...Well, you get the point.
Okay, so that's not the point. The point is I'm trying to be funnier, so I'm taking lessons from a book. Specifically, Teach Yourself Comedy Writing by Jenny Roche.
Today's lesson:
Exercise 1
Okay, 20 is a bit too long for a blog post, so I'll stick to 10. Also, the only written sketches I've seen are... Well, they're not funny. So, I'm going to post sketches I do like (and link clips so you can share in my incredibly good taste).
Monty Python
Cheese Shop Sketch There's no cheese, but he'll try to guess what they have for hours.
Fish Slapping Dance Grown men whacking each other with halibut.
Four Yorkshiremen "Kids have it good these days" with one-upmanship ad absurdum.
Undertaker Slowly moving from a somber moment to an absurd proposition.
Eulogy for Graham Chapman (not a sketch, but perfect) Humorously roasting the dead (see sketch above).
Steve Martin
The Love God Giving dating advice when you know nothing about it.
Holiday Wish A man making a smarmy holiday bit admits what he really wants out of life.
Irish Language Lab Two jokes: (a) Irish is basically English and (b) the teacher loses his mind.
Boot to the Head A martial arts expert slowly loses his patience with an annoying student.
Welcome to Hell The Devil greets new damned souls to Hell, and divides them into groups.
Michaelangelo's Last Supper Michaelangelo has absurd ideas of what makes a good religious painting.
Exercise 2
You know what? I'll save this for next week. I'm all tuckered out from linking sketches.
Hm. Odd phrase, "tuckered out." Can you be tuckered in? Tuckered over? Just tuckered with no preposition?
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 4:14 PM No comments:
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Comedy Lessons Part 1
I've been working on this blog for eight years (at least, that's what it says on the title graphic). After all that time, I've come to one, stark realization:
I'm not funny.
My most popular blog posts are either about serious issues (marginalization of women, gun control, Candy Crush) or had sexy pictures in them (mostly me in Speedos). The point of this blog was to help me improve my humor writing, but after eight years of trying I have to accept I need help.
Enter Teach Yourself Comedy Writing. It's a book that's been sitting on my shelf for years. Like Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and How to Create a New Identity, looking at it made me feel like I'd learned something without actually reading it.
I've decided to stop procrastinating and do the comedy lessons. I'll share them with you here because you will find them humorous and illuminating. Also because I can't think of anything else to post.
Here goes.
Lesson 1
Exercise 1:
I'm going to talk about things I own only. I could make fun of a Salad Shooter, for example, but I don't have any experience with them. Yeah, they sound silly, but how and in what way?
- Toilet AugerA long pole with a tube inside it you use to push clogs through your toilet. Essential when you have large children and small toilets.
- Range Hood
Related to kitchen fires from poor chefs.
- Toolbox
Mine is filled with more things than it can hold, most of which I've never used. Anyone need a Torx screwdriver?
- Display Cabinet
If you have kids, they're full of art supplies instead of... Well, what would you display, anyway? Fine china? Crystal figurines? Yeah, if you have kids those mysteriously disappear to be replaced with fragments of fine china and crystal figurines.
- Electric fake fireplace logs
'Nuff said.
- George Foreman Grill
They still sell those. People still buy them. Nobody uses them.
- Fitness equipment
Adjustable dumbbells, stretchy bands, foam rollers, PVC tubes, boxing gloves and handwraps, Costco-sized boxes of Gatorade. All covered by insurance. All gathering dust.
- Flowers?
There are funny flowers? I heard of one called Phalaenopsis. It looked like a penis.
- Foods?
Hm. We have almond and coconut flour. They're masochistic replacements for normal flour. Imagine eating chewy sand.
- Halloween candy
You have to find a place to hide it from the kids so they don't eat it all at once. You have to find a place to hide it from yourself, because eating your kids' candy is the definition of a bad parent. Since nobody knows where the candy is, it gets lost for three years. When you find it, it's hard as a rock and covered in green fuzz. The kids won't eat it. It's yours.
I have two problems with making fun of public figures:
- Idon't keep up with popular culture. Few things depress me more than People Magazine. Who cares about the lives of actors or reality show participants? More importantly, who cares so much they want candid shots of stars walking down the street in sweatpants and sunglasses? I can understand looking at People at a doctor's office, but if you have a subscription, seek therapy.
- I watched this impressive interview with John Cleese. In it he was asked about the enduring popularity of Monty Python. He pointed out Python didn't poke fun at contemporary figures, so it was still funny after decades. He has a point; I'm sure jokes about Lilian Gish or President Taft were hysterical at the time, but who would get them now?
So, I'm going to skip Exercise 2. I don't know enough about Kanye West or...
Vincent D'Onofrio? Is he famous?
See? Not my thing.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 11:56 AM 2 comments:
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Meme Career 3
Her: Hi, Matthew.
Me: Hi.
Her: How's the blog going?
Me: Not so good. I can never find time to work on it.
Her: It's another meme week, isn't it?
Me: Sigh.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 4:15 PM No comments:
Friday, January 8, 2016
New Year's Jelly Bean Jar
Every year I post silly New Year's Resolutions. I have real resolutions as well, but fake ones are more fun. Nobody expects you to travel around the world in a hot air balloon or get elected president.
|Seriously, don't keep that resolution.
I've decided to do resolutions differently this year. I've decided to write them all down.
Write down my New Year's Resolutions!
Yay! I'm done.
Okay, fine, I'm not done. Here's my real list:
Finish things
- Novel
- Audiobook
Stop arguing with idiots online
- Games
Yay! I'm done.
Of course, I'm going to fail at them all because they're too vague. Let's try that again:
Work out three times a week
Work on the new novel every day until it's uploaded.
Finish the audiobook for the old novel
Finish games
Finish Kingdom of Adventure
Convert Flash games to HTML 5
Learn Clickteam Fusion
Create Bubbleoids
Instead of arguing online, think of all the time you could spend being outside, spending time with your kids, cleaning the toilet, cutting off your ears with a dull knife or any of the more enjoyable activities there are in the world
It's better, but it's more likely that, come December, I'll shrug my shoulders, and give up.
I need accountability. I need a penalty. I need something like the Marital Jelly Bean Jar
The Marital Jelly Bean Jar is a
way of ruining marriages
fun game you play with your spouse. When
you're married, get an empty jar. Put a
jelly bean in the jar every time you have sex.
On your first anniversary, start taking a jelly bean out every time you have sex. On your second anniversary you get a
divorce you find out how much your sex life has diminished and can plot how
long it will be until you get a divorce how your relationship matures from
passion to sad regret companionship.
Ladies and Gentlemen: The Resolutions Jelly Bean Jar.
Every time I fail to do a regular resolution, I write a minimum of two sentences about why I failed.
Two complete sentences. It's like High School for willpower.
Anyone else want to try this? Anyone want to go back to High School? Come on, High School was fun, right? No?
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 1:58 PM No comments:
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Meme Career 2
Continuing on in my career of
I can't think of anything to blog so I'll do memes Meme Creator:
And THEY ARE FUNNY.
And THEY ARE FUNNY.
Posted by Matthew Kagle at 9:46 AM No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)


text:
Solange Knowles to Take Son on Charity Trip to Kenya
Singer Solange Knowles is planning to take her son on a summer vacation to Kenya to see how funds raised from her new charity single are used to provide locals with access to clean water. The star has teamed up with with rocker Chris Taylor and musician Twin Shadow for the "donate to download" track "Kenya", with all proceeds benefiting the Replenish Africa Initiative (RAIN).
Bosses at The Coca-Cola Africa Foundation, the organization behind the campaign, are aiming to raise $10,000 for clean water projects across the continent, and Knowles wants to witness the progress first-hand and turn it into a learning experience for her six-year-old child Julez.
She tells WENN, "I'm hoping we're able to go this summer and actually see the project come into fruition. I really would love to visit Kenya. I have always been so eager to get to Kenya, (to experience) the culture, the people... being able to do the touristy, safari rides and things like that. I'm totally wanting to get my son down there, I think it will be a beautiful experience for us."
- Sienna Miller Still Cares 'Enormously' for Ex-Fiance Jude Law
- Zendaya Coleman Criticized for Posting This Racy Picture
- Jay-Z Is Featured on Pusha T's New Track 'Drug Dealers Anonymous'
- Michael Bay Unveils 'Transformers: The Last Knight' Villain
- Meek Mill and 50 Cent Show Support for Troy Ave After Irving Plaza Shooting
- Drake Gets 'Lovey Dovey' With Hailey Baldwin at His Memorial Day Party
- Josh Duhamel Reveals Fergie Will Release New Album This Week and Go on Tour Next Year
- 'Pitch Perfect 3' Release Pushed Back to Winter 2017

subset: commoncrawl


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Fire and Ice [Blu-ray]
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Editorial Reviews
Product Description
"I LOVE THIS FILM!" -- Harry Knowles, Ain't It Cool News
"If You're Longing For Some Good Fantasy Adventure The Way They Used To Make Them, Look No Further Than FIRE AND ICE!" -- DVD Verdict
"RELENTLESSLY FUN!" -- Eccentric Cinema
Special Features
• The Making of FIRE AND ICE
• Bakshi on Frazetta
• Sean Hannon's Diary Notes
• Behind-the-Scenes Photo Gallery
• Theatrical Trailer
• Enhanced for D-Box Motion Control Systems
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They use a rotoscoping technique that gives the animation a lifelike fluidity found in some of the classic Disney movies like Sleeping Beauty, but keep in mind this is by no means a Disney movie. In other words: THIS MOVIE IS NOT FOR CHILDREN. There is a heck of a lot of violence and scantily clad people on this picture. While it is rated PG I think by today's standards it's more PG-13.
As a hack and slash, barbarian warrior kind of movie this is great. If you loved Conan the Barbarian, The Beastmaster and other movies of this sort then you will love Fire and Ice. For the longest time there was a DVD release in Europe but none yet in the states. Now they finally released this movie for the U.S., and the DVD comes with some really nifty extras (making of featurette and a Frank Frazetta documentary). Unless you find this VHS copy dirt cheap I would recommend getting the DVD instead.
The story is straightforward sword and sorcery, kingdom of Fire vs. the evil kingdom of Ice. As in Bakshi's other best movies, it's rotoscoped cel animation over painted backgrounds, a combination I like a lot. That gives completely natural movement to the animated figures, and great atmosphere from the backgrounds.
There were a few negatives in this DVD. First was transfer quality. There's a visible amount of "snow" in many places, enough to notice, but not enough to get in the way of the movie. Then there's the inherently loose relationship between the cel animation and the backgrounds - a few scenes seemed to have the characters skating across the surroundings. Excessive reality can also be a drawback. Teegra, the female lead, spent a lot of time running from the bad guys. Unfortunately, she tended to "run like a girl" (and I don't mean Jackie Joyner Kersee) - she rarely conveyed the athletic or panicked sense I would have expected of a woman running for her life.
The positives far outweigh the problems, though. Frazetta's characters are richly drawn: lush womanly figures, mighty males, grunting hench-beings, and the Death Dealer. The story holds together, and the rotoscoped actors did great jobs. And the DVD extras - wow. I normally ignore them. These aren't just a few stills and a trailer, there are interviews with Bakshi, diary notes from one of the actors, and a whole second disc dedicated to Frazetta and his work ("Painting with Fire"). I haven't gone through all of the extras yet, but they earned that fifth star for this set.
It's not as "adult" as Fritz the Cat and other of Bakshi's work, but it's certainly not for the kiddies, either. But then, not all animation has to be. Highly recommended.
They use a rotoscoping technique that gives the animation a lifelike fluidity found in some of the classic Disney movies like Sleeping Beauty, but keep in mind this is by no means a Disney movie. In other words: THIS MOVIE IS NOT FOR CHILDREN. There is a heck of a lot of violence and scantily clad people on this picture. While it is rated PG I think by today's standards it's more PG-13.
As a hack and slash, barbarian warrior kind of movie this is great. If you loved Conan the Barbarian, The Beastmaster and other movies of this sort then you will love Fire and Ice. For the longest time the only DVD release was in Europe, but not that the DVD is released also here in the states (along with some neat extras) there really is not reason to hunt down this movie on VHS.
Since there is hardly any information at all about this movie I thought to included this synopsis that was taken from the back of the video box (not an entirely accurate plot summary, but it will do):
Fire and Ice, an animated adventure film, is the work of the imaginations of Ralph Bakshi and Frank Frazetta, masters of fantasy and illustration. A tiny village is destraoyed by a surging glacier, which serves as a deadly domain for the evil Ice Lord, Nekron. The only survivor is a young warrior, Larn, who vows to avenge this act of destruction! The evil continues, however, as Nekron's palace of ice heads straight towards Fire Keep, the great fortress ruled by the good king Jarol.Read more ›
The plot is paper thin but no worse then some live action films I've seen. The voice acting reminded me a lot of the first Heavy Metal movie.
Fire and Ice is an interesting movie if you're a fan of Frank Frazetta or into fantasy and animation.
The thing that makes this DVD worth the purchase is the documentary "Painting with Fire" about Frank Frazetta. When I was younger I had a few books of his works that I would memorize. His art meant a lot to me and his life is fascinating. I never realized how tough his early years were. You just assume a giant talent like this was getting rich right off the bat. It turns out he was struggling and some lucky breaks helped to launch his career. He's been through a lot of adversity but bares it with an upbeat optimism. After six strokes he had to learn to paint using his left hand.
It means a lot when the comic greats like Bernie Wrightson, John Buscema, Dave Stevens, Neal Adams are gushing fanboys. Everyone interviewed has nothing but good things to say about him. He's apparently a good friend and great father.
The inclusion of the documentary is a valuable bonus that makes the Fire and Ice DVD worth buying.
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Born in 1977, and I don't know how I missed this movie till now. It reminds me of how watching Heavy Metal in the 80s made me feel, and it even has a more distinct style of art. Read morePublished 15 days ago by Kris H.
This came in the mail in very good condition. No scratches on the disc and the case showed no wear and tear. Read morePublished 21 days ago by justin
Ok I just saw this movie I won't give a beautiful review like others am with so much detail il be blunt this movie is probably the best western animated movie I have seen I love... Read morePublished 1 month ago by masmotors
The evil wizard Nekron is using his magic to steer glaciers into the lands of men, allowing his Neanderthal followers to conquer all that will not acknowledge Nekron as their lord. Read morePublished 2 months ago by The Reviewer Formerly Known as Kurt Johnson
The ending credits are currently flashing by on the screen, and I felt it was a good time to write a review of this epic tale of ass shots and cardboard characters. Read morePublished 4 months ago by J.J. Scott
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Mikasa Greyson Vase
We're sorry, but this particular item has sold out online, so you will not be able to add it to your shopping bag. Please try a different color or size, if applicable.
The Greyson Vase offers understated elegance with beautiful cut glass and contemporary facets that add brilliance to any surface.
- 10-in.
- Glass
- Dishwasher safe
- Imported
Shipping & Returns
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December 26, 2013
Current Item rating: 3.8 out of 5
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Humor Archive | Submit your own Item
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Stickman Ski Racer Cheats for iPhone - iPadHome / iPhone - iPad /
This page contains Cheats for Stickman Ski Racer organized by sections for iPhone - iPad. This game has "Action" as genre, made by Robert Szeleney, released on Nov 29, 2012. If you can't find a hint or secret in our list, then please check this page periodically for the latest updates.
- Developer: Robert Szeleney
- Publisher: Robert Szeleney
- Genre: Action
- Release: Nov 29, 2012
- ESRB: Not Set
If you know cheats, secrets, hints, glitches or other level guides for this game that can help others leveling up, then please Submit your Cheats and share your insights and experience with other gamers.
Stuck in this game? Set a specific, clearly defined question and let other gamers answer your question or view answers to previously asked questions. If you think you are an expert then please try to help others with their questions.
How do you even get passed the first log on level 9 carpathians? I tried bumping the first into the second from below, so the second would flip upside down and I could skate across, but then I fell. I...
Posted on: 05-24-2014
Where's the coin on level 6 ? can't find it. Thanks : )...
Posted on: 01-17-2013
How do I get past the turning logs on this level. Always crash on 3rd log. Thanks...
Posted on: 01-13-2013
Iron Maiden: Legacy Of The Beast - Gameplay Video
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Chronos Gate - Gameplay Video
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Jelly Killer - Retro Platformer - Gameplay Video
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Romancing SaGa 2 - First Impressions Trailer
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- Paragon, (PS4)
- Bullet Force, (PC)
- Forestry 2017 - The Simulation, (PS4)
- Dimension Painter, (iOS)
- Caterzillar, (iOS)
- Talisman: Horus Heresy, (iOS)
- Black Hole Joyrider, (iOS)
- My Koi, (iOS)
- Never Gone, (iOS)
- INKS., (iOS)
- Victorious Knight, (iOS)
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- PsyCard, (iOS)
- Apestorm: Full Bananas, (iOS)
- Airline Director 2 - Tycoon Game, (iOS)


text:
Barajul Drăganu (Floroiu)
Draganu Dam (or Floroiu the name of the constructor)
Cool good one this picture of yours, congratulate kind Ilie Olar. LIKE! Best regards, Gausss
Wonderful landscape, nice shot!
Best regards, Ildikó
Frumoasa vedere! LIKE
It's a very beautiful scenery. L+F
Lovely landscape..L+F
Hello Ilie!
Very nice scenery, beautiful shot. I like it very much. Thank you for your visit in my gallery.
Greetings from Budapest, Viktor
Very nice picture! 128-209 Ysl! Greetings
Very nice picture, a very beautiful panorama, <LIKE>, sincerely, "Omar"
Magnífica!!! Like-211! Saudações do Brasil!
Amazing view! I liked.
Multumesc Alin si Kosty de vizita si like! Multumesc Alin pentru ca m-ai adaugat la fotografii tai favoriti! Salutari, Ilie
Thank you Terp16, Faus, Frank, Truskawka, Ut, Toresten, Snežana, Mel, Gausss, Ildiko, Jejim, Nastrara, Viktor, Jul@, Omar, Marlon and Samad for visit and like!
Thank you Terp16, Faus, Truskawka, Ut, Toresten, Snežana, Mel, Jejim, Nastrara, and Jul@ for adding this photo to your favorites!
Greetings, Ilie
Beautiful autumn picture, nice composition, beautiful place, like213 + f129 :-)
Thank you FotoOndra for visit, like and favorite! Greetings, Ilie
Wonderful place! L+F
Beautiful view ! ✯
Grandiosa captura de este extraordinario escenario, enhorabuena, L + Fav
Un cordial saludo desde Costa Rica, Melsen Felipe
Thank you Cervantes, Slavonicus, Melsen Felipe for visit, like and favorite!
Greetings, Ilie
Excellent shot and interesting view.. Like Greetings from Greece Spiros
greetings from Poland , Peter ♥
**YSL** was alerdy
add to group 7 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
An very moody and very Fantastic Picture! LIKE 219 + F 133
Many Greetings from Germany.
Adem Dogan
Photo taken in Poieni, Romania


text:
Pigs gone wild have come to Ohio
Another Ohio invasive species isn't a tiny matter. In fact it can weigh up to 200 pounds.
U.S. cattle inventory down 3 percent from 2012
As of July 1, there were 95 million head of cattle on U.S. farms, according to NASS reports.
Late wheat harvest could jeopardize hopes for a second crop
SALEM, Ohio — The question for many farmers is: Should we or shouldn't we? Wheat With this year's wheat harvest about two-three weeks behind normal, farmers...
Carroll County Fair 2014
The Carroll County market animal sales totaled almost over $100,000 over the 2013 market sale.
What's happening with hops in Ohio
In terms of both production and economic opportunity, hops growing is hot in Ohio. But the second year of a study by Ohio State, at its Ohio Agricultural Research and Development Center, has yielded both good returns and cause for concern.
Keeping an eye on salmon runs and guinea fowl hatchings
We're keeping a close eye on the salmon that are making their journey north to spawn in Alaska and we're also checking on the guinea fowl "keets" that are beginning to hatch in Nebraska.
2014 Carroll Co. Fair tractor pull photo gallery
Who doesn't love a good tractor pull? Check out some of the tractors in the Carroll County Fair's Limited Pro/Super Farm Tractor class Friday Night.
Jason Miller wins International Auctioneer Championship titles
Jason L. Miller, CAI, of Quaker City, Ohio, was crowned winner of the men's National Auctioneers Association 27th International Auctioneer Championship.
ODA is spreading the word on sensitive crops
Concerns that late-season applications of herbicides like dicamba and 2,4-D could become more common has led to the development of the Ohio Department of Agriculture's Ohio Sensitive Crop Registry (OSCR).
Trumbull County Fair Livestock Sale Results 2014
July 12, 2014 Sale Total: $237,657.65 Total Lots: 229STEERS Number of Market Lots: 16 Average: $3.67/pound with champions; $3.62/pound without Number of Carcass Lots: 9 Average: $4.13/pound with champions; $4.75/pound...


text:
You are a fan of democratic pirates ? Come to discover the best forums democratic pirates on the internet and share your experience with a community fan of democratic pirates . You can also build a forum democratic pirates and create your online discussion.
Steelers Xtreme isn't just another Steelers message board. It's a whole lot more.
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Gravity Pirates East Coast
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Hello, Welcome to Ancient Athens! We are a democratic, Nation States, and role playing region. Region Page: https://www.nationstates.net/region=ancient_athens
ancient, athens, athens! we, #democratic, nation, role, playing, region, https, //www, nationstates


text:
Season 2, Episode 1 The Last of Summer
First Aired: September 15, 2003
The days following Colin's surgery are the focus of this episode, which finds Amy making an unsettling discovery and Delia making a new friend.
Guest Cast
Michael Flynn Michael Flynn James Hart
Phil Riesen Phil Riesen Assisting Surgeon
Michael Coe Michael Coe New Lifeguard
Anna McKeown Anna McKeown Mrs. Greeley
Whitney Lee Whitney Lee Brittany
James Jamison James Jamison Bypass Technician
Michelle Peterson Michelle Peterson Anesthesiologist
Nora Zehetner Laynie Hart
Nancy Everhard Nancy Everhard Sharon Hart
Mike Erwin Mike Erwin Colin Hart
Ryan Armstrong Ryan Armstrong Sam Feeney
Cast & Details See all »
- Premiered: September 16, 2002
- Rating: None
- Premise: A smart, if at times sudsy, multigenerational drama about a New York doctor who moves to Colorado with his two kids after his wife's death and opens a clinic. His arrival at first upset the town's other doctor, but the two eventually became unlikely partne… (more)
Trending TonightSee all »
Person of Interest10:00 pm | CBSI'll Watch146 Watching
America's Got Talent8:00 pm | NBCI'll Watch144 Watching
Roots9:00 pm | A&E, HIST, LIFEI'll Watch62 Watching
Everwood: Season 4
By Warner Home VideoBuy New: $15.55
Everwood: Season 3
By Warner Home VideoBuy New: $11.34
Everwood: Seasons 1-4 (4 Pack)
By Warner Home VideoBuy New: $99.99
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Posts Tagged 'coen brothers'
Watch the Burn After Reading Red Band Trailer
The Red Band trailer for the upcoming Coen Brothers movie Burn After Reading went online today over at Apple.com. It is definitely not along the same vein as Joel and Ethan Coen's last film, No Country for Old Men, but still looks pretty good. Here's how the studio describes the movie, which is set to […]
Win an Autographed No Country for Old Men Poster
No Country for Old Men is now out in select theaters and expanding over the next month, and I must say that this movie looks to be one of the coolest this year. Watching Javier Bardem walk around killing people with a coin flip and an air compressor is like butter on toast: perfect. Honestly, […]
4 Ways X-Men Apocalypse Fails (and 4 Ways It Works)
Review: Alice Through the Looking Glass
On DVD: 'Zoolander 2′ is What You'd Expect
Watch the New Star Trek Beyond Trailer


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Brazil's Neymar, center top, is tackled by South Korea's Lee Yong, bottom, in their international friendly at the Seoul World Cup Stadium in South Korea on Saturday.Oct 14, 2013FULL STORY
Photo: AFP
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Celebrity Equinox Cruise Review by Trend: Great weather nice itinerary
Overall Member Rating
Great weather nice itinerary
Destination: Panama Canal & Central America
Embarkation: Fort Lauderdale (Port Everglades)
Wonderful ship and the crew made it special as they were very involved and visible . Lots of fun games that involved the crew and passengers. The ports on this cruise were varied with city stops and beach as well as rain forest. The ship is still in tip top shape. My cons were they have terrible coffee now and they are nickel and dimming in areas they have not before. Example no regular yogurts in Aqua spa cafe, yes they had their up charge parfait but until I asked for them they were not available and even at that they kept them in a fridge hidden away (maybe 5). Same at lunch salad bar with a few choices but to the side they had many other offerings for add on's to the salad at a charge. This just felt like being taken.
Great service love the restaurant Blu. Lots of things to do on days at sea and some good entertainment.
Was very impressed with the Celebrity tour we took at the Gamboa rainforest, usually it is a big group and we avoid it but this time it was a More nice small group and very well run. Fitness is great but lots of machines were out of order. Less
Published 03/03/14
Read more Celebrity Equinox cruise reviews >>
Read Cruise Critic's Celebrity Equinox Review >>
Cabin review: 1542
Love these rooms, great shower and wonderful bed, all you need since you are not in the room that much.
A real contrast of countries p...
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Second trip on Celebrity; ther...
This cruise ticked most of the...
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Exceptional Staff
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Celebrity Changing
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3 June 2014
US private equity firm Forstmann Little has brought its two-year winding down process to an end by selling its last "significant" portfolio company, 24 Hour Fitness Worldwide.
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Credit: RD/Erik Kabik/Retna
Published: Friday Jan 28, 2011 | 05:00 PM EST
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Impacts of CAP reform on typical family farm
- The unwillingness of the Scottish Government to consider a Pillar 1 ANC removes an investment that could have been used to support Orkney and its island. With the profile of this reform that decision looks premature and could possibly be revised. There should be an enhanced area payment for region 1 (arable, TGRS, PGRS) for island areas in recognition of their increased vulnerability and lack of possible alternative enterprises.
- Robust measures need to be taken to ensure "inactive land" does not receive payment.
- If these options cannot be delivered then consideration needs to be given to the use of a "tunnel" option to provide some measure of stability to allow farm businesses to manage the change to area based payments.The importance of the SRDP is highlighted in sustaining the viability of the farm, especially the Less Favoured Area Support Scheme (LFASS) element. It is hoped this can continue in its current form for the time being. A suitably focused new SRDP could help address some of the damaging impacts of the move to area based payments. Considerations should be given to:- The Scottish Government match funding the modulated funds taken from Pillar 1;
- Including a programme to improve the efficiency of the national cattle herd. This would allow some of the work established under the current LMO's to be continued and help beef herd play its part in achieving climate change targets, while hopefully improving the economics of the sector;
- Including a small scale capital grant scheme to help improve farm efficiency, viability and resilience;
- Ensuring that environmental scheme priorities suit regional requirements allowing access for a wide geographical spread of projects to be funded;
- Reducing the proportion of the budget allocated to forestry. The prospect of farmers having their direct payments reduced partly to finance forestry projects which are of negligible benefit on Orkney further threatens the competitiveness of the local industry.
- Mr Moss added that the study has illustrated the potential damage that will be done to active livestock farms on Orkney should the reform of the CAP proceed as proposed.He said: "Orkney's farmers have led the way in enhancing the health status of their animals, with the work done to eradicate BVD which, in turn, formed the template for the national scheme being one example. It is imperative that the expertise and stockmanship skills which has led to the islands hard earned reputation as a source of high quality livestock is not laid to waste by ill thought out reforms of the support systems."The threat to the wider economy and environment is even more pronounced. Suppliers, hauliers, employees, and companies servicing the farming industry all face a bleak future if the proposals are not modified. "Similarly, those relying on the supply of produce from farms face uncertain times. There are a number of measures that can be used to reduce the effects of the changes and it is vital that they are deployed to ensure a viable future for agriculture on the islands."There is still time to act – but urgent action is needed."
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Mapping the evolution of Canada's farm industry is not as simple as just examining the numbers. Every five years, Canada's federal government asks us to provide details on who lives in our househol...


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Weather News
Melbourne on track for hottest March on recordPress Release, Wednesday March 27, 2013 - 11:55 EDT
Melbourne is on target for its hottest March on record despite a cool end to the month, according to weatherzone.com.au.
Both nights and days have been much warmer than normal up until today.
Overnight minimum temperatures have averaged 17.2 degrees and overnight maximums 28.5 degrees, both four degrees warmer than the long-term norm.
"A cooler change due tonight is highly unlikely to be strong enough to prevent this month from being a record hot one," weatherzone meteorologist Brett Dutschke said.
Even with the final four nights and days of the month expected to average about 13 and 22 degrees respectively, this will turn out to be the hottest March on record.
Taking these forecasts into account, overnight minimum temperatures will end up averaging about 16.8 degrees and maximums about 27.6 degrees. This would put nights in the top two warmest on record and days in the top three hottest on record.
The hottest March in terms of daytime maximum temperatures was 28.9 degrees in 1940. The warmest March in terms of overnight minimums was 16.8 degrees in 1974.
Combining nights and days this month the average temperature will be about 22.2 degrees, more than three degrees above average.
The previous hottest March in 157 years of records was in 1934 when the average temperature was 21.5 degrees (days averaged 27.8 degrees and nights averaged 15.1 degrees).
This months' heat has been helped along by 11 days of 30 degrees or hotter (second only to the March record of 14 days in 1940) and a record warm night of 26.5 degrees.
"Summer has dragged on into autumn with the aid of clearer-than-normal skies and a lack of strong fronts. For much of the month a high pressure system has been stationed over the Tasman Sea, deflecting cold fronts south of Victoria and keeping winds northerly." Dutschke said.
Today is an example of how late this heat is.
It has been eight years since Melbourne has exceeded 33 degrees this late in the season.
"There's a chance of reaching 35 degrees today, which would make it the hottest it has been this deep into autumn in since 1940."
For those fed up with the extended summer, the next few nights and days will be refreshingly cooler.
"Rain will develop tonight and ease tomorrow. For Easter weekend most of the city will be dry for ninety percent of the time. Showers will be mainly over Mornington Peninsula and will generally be light, brief and infrequent." Dutschke said.
- Weatherzone
© Weatherzone 2013
More breaking news
ABC News
Sydney Morning Herald
National Nine News
News Limited
Weather News
Lake Eyre gets late flow from Queensland and more SA rainfall than usual
Water is flowing into outback Lake Eyre, but somewhat differently from past flooding of the remote saltpan, travel guide Rex Ellis says.
Kiwis in for a pounding
A strong and complex low is moving over New Zealand and has been generating heavy rain, isolated thunderstorms and gale force winds.
When it rains over Uluru
The sunrise this morning likely made the ancient sandstone formation of Uluru glow a glorious red at dawn, although cloud and rain from today should lead to more demure morning displays for the next couple of days.


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Tuesday, 24 May 2016
Last updated 5 hours ago
Jan 2 2014 | 10:14am ET
Hedge fund pioneer Robert Wilson, who has spent the 28 years since his retirement giving away his fortune, died on Dec. 23. He was 87.
Wilson leapt from his 16th-floor apartment and was found in an interior courtyard of the San Remo, the prestigious building that he called home. The suicide comes six months after Wilson suffered a stroke.
Wilson left a suicide note, his executor, Richard Schneidman, told The New York Times.
"The gist of it was that he had had a great life, and done all the things he wanted to, and that they way he chose to die was nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn't be kept secret." He ended his final missive with "a list of appointments that would have to canceled," Schneidman said.
Wilson founded short-selling specialist Wilson & Associates in 1969 and retired in 1986. He spent his remaining years giving away his fortune, which peaked at about $800 million, donating about $600 million to a variety of causes, including environmental and historic preservation groups and the American Civil Liberties Union. But he was perhaps best-known for his $30 million in donations to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York's schools, in spite of the fact that he was an openly-gay atheist.
Wilson was also well-known for his frugality, choosing the subway over cabs. "One of the dumbest things you can do with money is spend it," he told Forbes magazine in 1979.
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Ten years ago, Portland, Ore.-based TriMet opened the MAX Yellow Line on May 1.
During the past decade, nearly 46 million trips have been taken on the line, while the area has grown with new housing developments and businesses.The Yellow Line brought high capacity transit service to the North/Northeast neighborhoods, along with new sidewalks, traffic lanes, bike lanes, art and a more pedestrian-friendly environment.Annual ridership has grown 24.2% since 2004. Opening year ridership totaled 3.9 million trips and now tops 4.9 million trips. Weekday ridership has grown 30% since opening year, climbing from an averaging 11,600 trips, to 15,100 trips today. Part of the ridership success of the MAX Yellow Line is that it has 3.7 times more capacity over the former line 5 bus line that served Interstate Avenue."The MAX Yellow Line clearly demonstrates that when we invest in transit, the community grows with it," said TriMet GM Neil McFarlane. "The Yellow Line improved transit service to the community, helped attract investment into the community, brought new customers to long-standing businesses, drew other businesses to Interstate Avenue, and made the area a more vibrant place to live."When the Yellow Line opened in 2004, there was a 50% increase in the number of new businesses along the avenue, and that number continues to grow, according to TriMet. About half a dozen housing developments have opened or are under construction within walking distance to the MAX stations.The MAX Yellow line opened four months ahead of schedule and about $25 million under budget. It expanded the MAX system to 44 miles with 64 stations.Since the Yellow Line opened, the MAX system has expanded to 52 miles and 87 stations serving all three counties in the region. The MAX Green Line opened in 2009, and the region's sixth MAX construction project, the Portland-Milwaukie Light Rail Transit Project will open on Sept. 12, 2015 bringing the MAX system to 60 miles and 97 stations.
The agency opened its $44 million Green Line only four years ago; however, the line currently averages only 440 boardings a day with limited service, and costs RT $330,000 annually to operate.
The 6.6-mile Expo extension runs from Culver City to Santa Monica and includes seven stations. Ridership on the new portion is projected to total 18,000 to 20,000 weekday boardings after the first year of service. The travel time from downtown L.A. to the Downtown Santa Monica Station is 48 minutes.
Agency has doubled its team of employees tasked with riding its trains to observe and report on conductor and ticket agent performance, onboard and station amenities and customer interactions.
The Washington-to-New York City passenger train, Amtrak 188, was traveling at 106 mph around a curve in Philadelphia when it derailed May 12, 2015. Eight passengers were killed and more than 180 others were sent to area hospitals, some with critical injuries.
Alstom will modernize the 68 metro cars that it supplied in 2003 with its Chinese joint venture SATCO (Shanghai Alstom Transport Co. Ltd.). The upgrades will increase the reliability of the cars and adapt them to a new signalling system that will be implemented on the line.
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Windows Virus Shuts Down Some SBC, CNN, ABC Computers
A computer virus targeting Microsoft Corp.'s Windows software shut down machines at Time Warner Inc.'s CNN and Walt Disney Co.'s ABC network.
CNN spokeswoman Laurie Goldberg confirmed computer failures in Atlanta and New York and said she wasn't sure which worm caused the damage. ABC computers on the East and West coasts were affected, spokesman Jeff Schneider said today. He also couldn't identify the worm or virus.
The Zotob computer worm has been spreading since Sunday and affects machines running Windows 2003, 2000 and XP, according to anti-virus software maker Symantec Corp. Symantec rates Zotob, of which there are four variants, a 2 or ``Low'' in severity with 5 being the highest. Microsoft's Windows runs almost 95 percent of the world's personal computers.
The worm takes advantage of a Windows flaw that Redmond, Washington-based Microsoft disclosed on Aug. 9 along with a software update to fix the flaw.
The time between the disclosure of a flaw and the creation of a worm or computer virus that takes advantage of the hole has been decreasing from months to days over the last four years. That has made it more important for Windows customers to apply software updates quickly after the disclosure of security holes.
A patch for the security hole is available at www.microsoft.com/technet/security/Bulletin/MS05-039.mspx
Microsoft has been working for two years to boost the security of its Windows operating system, training engineers to avoid common flaws and holding off development of its next Windows to release a security overhaul to 2001's Windows XP in August 2004.
Shares of Microsoft fell 39 cents to $26.74 at 4 p.m. New York time in Nasdaq Stock Market composite trading and are little changed this year.
The company last month released a test version of its next Windows that aims to further improve the products' resistance to computer viruses.
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update 2
Time Warner Inc.'s Cable News Network, SBC Communications Inc. and Pearson Plc's Financial Times computers were shut down by a computer worm that targets Microsoft Corp.'s Windows software.
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Russia to launch moon mission in 2015
Moscow: Russia will launch a robotic lunar station in 2015, a top official said Tuesday.
Federal space agency Roscosmos chief Vladimir Popovkin said the Luna-Glob will lift off from the Vostochny space port in Russia`s far east after several test launches.
Luna-Glob is the first of four missions planned before the creation of a fully robotic lunar base scheduled for after 2015.
The orbiter will have a payload of 120 kg, including equipment for astrophysics experiments, dust monitors, and plasma sensors to study ultrahigh-energy cosmic rays.
The moon exploration project is part of the federal space programme dating back to the late 1990s.
It was put on hold due to financial restrictions and resurrected several years later.
Initially scheduled for launch in 2012, the mission has been postponed twice, first to 2010 and then to 2014.
This past August Roscosmos announced a 10-million ruble ($300,000) tender to develop a blueprint of a heavy rocket carrier that would be capable of carrying manned spacecraft to the moon. The project is to be completed by May 31, 2013.
Popovkin previously said the country`s planned manned spacecraft capable of flights to the moon will not fly until 2018.
Russia`s space programme suffered a slew of setbacks in recent years, most of them blamed on faulty hardware.
The most recent mishap took place last December, when a botched launch of the Yamal-402 telecoms satellite led to the depletion of its fuel supply, shortening its orbit lifetime.
In November 2011, Russia launched the Phobos-Grunt probe, its most ambitious planetary mission in decades, designed to bring back rock and soil samples from the Martian moon Phobos.
However, the probe got stuck in Earth`s orbit after its engines failed to put it on course for the Red Planet.
The doomed probe crashed in the Pacific Ocean last January after two months in orbit.
The setbacks resulted in a reshuffle at the Federal Space Agency in 2011.
Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin, who oversees defence and space industries, announced late last year a switch to a holding-based model for the industry, which he said would be implemented by March.
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