text:
Passing Time and the Jug
that wormern's ambitions than a honeybee's. She'd plaint the world if you give her seed.
Mitch: You don't get in her way, I take it.
Zeke: All I fool with is my corn crop. Now that has to be quality controlled on account of hit's vital to the mash that goes into the cold remedy. And of course I set out the tobaccer, you need a man's touch fer that.
Mitch: I can see how you would.
Zeke: Perletta she plaints by the moon signs and knows all sich as that. She says all the rabbit spells and she . . .
Mitch: Says the rabbit spells? What's a rabbit spell?
Zeke: Why, to keep the rabbits out of her lettuce and all. You cain't be feedin' the critters all the time.
Mitch: I know that, but what does she say?
Zeke: Oh I don't charge my mind with sich as that, that's wormern's work. Jist does a little incant. Best I 'member the incant goes: "Rabbit rabbit, get thee hence with this spell I weave a fence if past this fence thee seeks to shove thy ornery hide will line a glove"
Mitch: That's wonderful. Does it work?
Zeke: No. But mine does.
Mitch: What's yours, Zeke?
Zeke: A .22 rifle loaded with shorts. Beats an incant all holler.
Mitch: I'd figure that. Does Perletta favor any special fertilizer?
Zeke: Yeah, she's partial to zucchini squash.
Mitch: Zucchini for fertilizer? How does that work?
Zeke: Well she allus overplants the plaguey things and of course everbody else does too, so she cain't hardly give 'em away.
Mitch: So what does she do?
Zeke: Well, she takes a ton or so and puts them in a compost pile. But the biggest part she busts up with the choppin' axe and plows under fer my corn patch. Gives my cold remedy extry vitamins. And speakin' of that . . .
Zeke on the Rights of Fish
Zeke: You know back there a while ago we were a'caucusin about them animal rights folks? How yer varmints hide shouldn't be used to dress up humans? How come them people never brought up fish?
Mitch: People don't wear fish, Zeke.
Zeke: No, nor these animal rights folks don't take up fer 'em neither. That ain't right t' my notion, nobody speakin' up fer fish.
Mitch: Are you getting ready to?
Zeke: Why mercy no. I figure all these critters we live amongst uses each other and we use them. I didn't make up the rule book. I jist think fish ort to maybe have somebody campaigning fer their rights, if other animals does.
Mitch: And what would these rights be, Zeke?
Zeke: I hain't no idee. Maybe to keep from being stuffed and tacked up on the wall to look at. Now that's vanity ain't it, stuffin' the hide to hang up on a wall?
Mitch: I'd say pride, Zeke. People are proud of a big fish.
Zeke: Now the way you laid it out fer me, these animal rights folks objects to wearing fur coats to show off. Don't you think they'd ort to object to showin' off a fish?
Mitch: Zeke, let's face it. Animal activists don't want any animal killed at all.
Zeke: What do they aim to eat?
Mitch: I don't know. Rice or greens. Maybe tofu.
Zeke: What in tarnation would tofu be?
Mitch: I'm not sure. I think it's one of those things they whip up out of soybeans.
Zeke: Will it make gravy?
Mitch: Not that I know of.
Zeke: Hit'll never do. A human bean ain't intended to live without gravy. Now just tell me somethin', son. If nobody intends to eat animals no more, what do they aim to do with 'em, watch 'em eat each other?
Mitch: It beats me Zeke.
Zeke: Why that dog won't hunt neither. If human beans ceased whittlin' on the critters, nature would. First thing you knowed, long would come some kind of plague and stuff would all jist die in a pile.
Mitch: You sound like a philosopher, Zeke
Zeke: Philosophy ain't got a thing to do with it, don't reckon. You go agin' nature, you best have one foot in the stirrup. Says so right in the Bible.
Mitch: About having one foot in the stirrup?
Zeke: No, about makin' do with things that was put here.
Mitch: And where in the Bible would you find that, Zeke?
Zeke: Right up at the front. Hit says, best I' member: "Use all the critters of this earth and don't be no more trouble than yer worth."
Mitch: Zeke, I think that covers it pretty well.
Zeke: This philosophizin' is dry work. Pass the jug!