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Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning Interview, The RunawaysPosted by: Sheila Roberts
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning star as Joan Jett and Cherie Currie in "The Runaways," the music-fueled, coming of age story of the groundbreaking, all girl 1970s rock band written and directed by Floria Sigismondi.
When two teenage valley girls with punk in their blood meet, they become the heart and soul of the seminal all girl band, The Runaways -- a group of extraordinary young women who rise from rebellious Southern California kids to rock stars of the now legendary band that paved the way for future generations of girl musicians.
Under the Svengali-like influence of rock impresario Kim Fowley (Michael Shannon), the group evolves into an outrageous success and a family of misfits. With its tough-chick image and raw talent, the band quickly earns a name for itself – and so do its two leads: Joan is the band's pure rock n' roll heart, while Cherie, with her Bowie-Bardot looks, is the sex kitten.
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning talked to us about their characters, how their performances were inspired by iconic rock legends Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, and what it was like to transform themselves -- one into a fiery red leather jumpsuit-wearing, guitar-strumming powerhouse and the other into a glam rock star, wearing a tight corset and fishnets. Here's what they had to say:
Q: Did Joan Jett and Cherie Currie talk to you at all about how emotional they got when they first saw the film?
Dakota: I saw it with them at Sundance and I think they were pretty emotional after, but I didn't know.
Kristen: Yeah, they didn't say that.
Q: What has your working relationship with them been like?
Kristen: For me, I'm so thankful to both of them. We're just lucky that this movie happens to involve them. You can make movies about public figures, but the fact that Joan wanted to be a producer and wanted to be on set every day and was so open about a time that was so important to her, it definitely says something about the people that they hired to play the parts. She easily could have just said, "Get someone else. I can't tell this girl what I need to tell her." There were things that we needed to know that aren't necessarily in the movie. Not details, but just personal reflections, like the way they feel about things. So, it was nice having them there. Also, it helped with the details 'cause we can't know how everything really happened and it would be really awful to try to make it up and fill in the blanks, when it can just be real. It was cool to be able to make it real.
Q: What specific details did they give you, that struck home and really helped you with your performances?
Dakota: The thing that always sticks out for me is the scene where Cherie first meets Joan and Kim in Rodney's English Disco. The way it was written, it could have been that Cherie was acting a little too cool and trying to put on this air of being better than them. And, Cherie was there that day and told me, "Yeah, I was actually really starstruck, when they came over to talk to me. I was a really big fan of Joan and couldn't believe that they were actually coming over to talk to me." So, that saved that whole scene. Otherwise, it would have been completely not authentic to what it was. Just having her there was great. That's something that I always think could have been such a false moment in the movie, and thank goodness that she was there to tell me.
Kristen: The way the script was written, and just because of the dialogue, the way Kim deals with the girls is really aggressive and overbearing, and almost like he's leading them down a path that they wouldn't have otherwise gone down, and that he's trying to make them into something they're not. Every time, I thought, "Wow, I would have punched him in the face," Joan would be like, "No, you'd laugh at him. You love the guy. He's hilarious. You aspire to be as crazy and freaky as him." I read the script going, "God, what a jerk," but it was like, "No, you love Kim." There was no way of knowing that without Joan.
Dakota: Cherie deals with sexuality different than Joan does. For her, it was all about putting on lingerie and going out there and growling at these people that were telling her that she couldn't do that. For her, that was her way of being different, and she got that through channeling David Bowie, who was extremely sexual on stage. That's how she dealt with that. Personally, I was really excited to do those scenes because that is a big part of who Cherie is. "Cherry Bomb" really sticks out in my mind and I was really excited to do that because it's her defining moment in her life and career.
Kristen: It's what made them different. I'm actually a couple years older than how old Joan was, at that time, but at the same time, I don't feel that there's a whole lot of distance. I am that age. I am a youth. Joan really talks about it all the time, and it still really has affected her, that sexuality isn't respected if it's coming from young people. It can be a scary thing to consider because you're young and you don't know if you can handle it, but it's an undeniable thing that they're very sexual little beings, especially then. Personally, it was making a movie. But, just to think about it now, it is cool that the movie deals with that and says, "You know what? This is something to be seriously considered and not discredited." They're demanding freedom, which is just what the movie is about.
Q: You both have visited Japan to promote your films there. What were your experiences in Japan like, in comparison to when you portrayed The Runaways in Japan for the film?
Dakota: When you go to Japan, it's my experience that Japan has really passionate fans, but who are so respectful. In the movie, I loved the scenes with the Japanese fans. I can relate because I've been in those situations, running into the hotel, but wanting to stay back because everyone seems so nice. They want to have a party, but you have to go in. That's how they were. It seems so fun, but crazy, at the same time.
Kristen: I feel the same way. It's a different culture. The welcome is always so warm, but at the same time, it has a structure. There's just a way of doing things, and it's nice to be welcomed into that. It's always fun. There was one part that got cut out, that I loved in the script, where these two girls come up and give us combs. We go, "Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot." And then, they tell us that they want us to comb our hair with the combs because they want our hair. That was cool. That's something I can really relate to. It's really cute.
Q: What was it like for you guys to get into these characters? Kristen, you and Joan seem to have a similar energy, but Dakota, you seem so different from Cherie Currie. How was it to portray these women?
Dakota: I think it's a huge departure from other roles that I've played, and me, in real life. It's obviously very different from things that I've done before, and it will be different for people to see, but I like that. I like surprising people with different things that I can do. That's what I love to do. And, I hope to do more roles like this, in the future.
Q: Kristen, what did you think of the scene where Joan pisses on the guitar of the band that they're doing the gig with, after he's such a jerk to her?
Kristen: That's a cool little moment. She's got a very particular opinion about music and equipment. That guitar perfectly defined everything that she hated about what rock 'n' roll was, at the time, and the guys who played it, so she wanted to piss all over it, and I liked that. That's the most rock 'n' roll thing you could do. I really liked doing that.
Q: If you had had one piece of wardrobe from this film, what would it be?
Dakota: I kept everything. But, if I had to have picked one thing, it would have been the corset.
Kristen: I would have picked the leather jacket, but I kept all of it, too.
"The Runaways" opens in theaters on March 19th.


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Ponsoldt wanted to ensure the teen sex in his film was neither glorified nor tame.
Attention all other religions, your hell is a tame paradise compared to the dark, bloody underworld of Buddhism.
If not addressed, all of this might make the Middle East or even Iran look like tame matters.
He left the crowd with a Greek aphorism—"to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world."
"America counted on President Obama to rescue the economy, tame the deficit, and help create jobs," Romney said.
Thus have the influences of our institutions begun to tame and change the savages of the western wilderness.
A tame egret ruffled her white plumes at the Princess's shoulder.
It seems a tame ending that villainy should get off unpunished.
Reminds me of a cat'mount I tried to tame once, only he's twice as ugly.
It is chiefly known as a tame animal, and its occurrence in the wild state has been doubted.
Old English tom, tam "domesticated, docile," from Proto-Germanic *tamaz (cf. Old Norse tamr, Old Saxon, Old Frisian, Middle Low German, Middle Dutch tam, Old High German zam, German zahm "tame," Gothic tamjan "to tame"), from PIE *deme- "to constrain, to force, to break (horses)" (cf. Sanskrit damayati "tames;" Persian dam "a tame animal;" Greek daman "to tame, subdue," dmetos "tame;" Latin domare "to tame, subdue;" Old Irish damnaim "I tie up, fasten, I tame, subdue"). Possible ulterior connection with PIE *dem- "house, household" (see domestic). Meaning "spiritless, weak, dull" is recorded from c.1600.
early Middle English teme, from Old English temian "make tame" (see tame (adj.)); form altered 14c. by influence of the adjective. Related: Tamed; taming.

subset: commoncrawl


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- KNIA / KRLS - http://kniakrls.com -
Van Tasell Leads Lady Dutch Golfers Past Fairfield
Posted By Sports On April 12, 2011 @ 6:00 am In Today's Local Sports | Comments Disabled
Led by a scorching round of 49 from No. 1 golfer Kelsey Van Tasell, the Pella girls golf team won its season debut Monday at Fairfield. Van Tasell was the overall medalist as Pella shot 238 as a team to beat Fairfield by 15 strokes. The Lady Dutch are back on the course in competition again today when they host a triangular with Norwalk and Oskaloosa at the Bos Landen Golf Club.
Kelsey Van Tasell – 49 (medalist)
Karissa Rempe – 59
Shelby Williams – 65
Amber Reynolds- 65
Kelsey Vande Steeg – 65
Article printed from KNIA / KRLS: http://kniakrls.com
URL to article: http://kniakrls.com/2011/04/van-tasell-leads-lady-dutch-golfers-past-fairfield/
Click here to print.
Copyright © 2009 KNIA/KRLS. All rights reserved.


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Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers arrived in New Orleans on Sunday.
- Filed Under
The two Lions representative in the Pro Bowl made an early impact in the game:
? Ndamukong Suh: On the AFC's second drive of the game, the Lions DT had two tackles on Texans running back Arian Foster.
? Don Mulhbach: The long snapper successfully got snaps back on the NFC's extra point after the first-quarter touchdown, the first-quarter punt, the second-quarter field goal make and two second-quarter PATs.
Early start for 49ers
With a team flag waving from an open window of their chartered plane, the 49ers arrived in New Orleans for their first Super Bowl in 18 years on Sunday.
The players walked off the airplane in a businesslike. Quarterback Colin Kaepernick, wearing a red wool cap sporting "49ers" on it, mouthed the words to a song on his head phones as he calmly walked on the tarmac.
In Jim Harbaugh's first news conference as a head coach in the Super Bowl, the former U-M quarterback was taking the experience in stride.
"These are uncharted waters for a rookie Super Bowl coach," Harbaugh said. "But that's exciting. It's a great thrill, and we have a desire to be in uncharted waters."
Harbaugh said the 49ers came to New Orleans on Sunday to simulate a normal week. He likened their trip to his strategy the last two seasons when the 49ers spent a week in Youngstown, Ohio, between Eastern games rather than return to the Bay Area.
He liked the way the players and coaches bonded during that experience.
"Same approach," Harbaugh said. "Enjoy the moment and the preparation. I think our team enjoys that the most: the meetings, the preparation and then, especially, the competition."
The Ravens arrive today.
Seal of disapproval?
President Barack Obama told The New Republic magazine that though he's a football fan, if he had a son, he'd "have to think long and hard" before letting him play. "I think that those of us who love the sport are going to have to wrestle with the fact that it will probably change gradually to try to reduce some of the violence," Obama said.
More Details: Super Bowl XLVII
Matchup: San Francisco 49ers (13-4-1) vs. Baltimore Ravens (13-6).
When: 6:30 p.m. Sunday.
Where: New Orleans.
TV: CBS (Channel 62 in Detroit).
Line: 49ers by 4.


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Verse: 1 John 3:18 "Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
Sing a couple songs: Jesus Loves Me, This is My Commandment
Verse Memorization: Display the verse on a chalkboard, white-out board or power point. Read the verse aloud. Break the verse up into parts and have the children repeat after you.
Break the verse like this: 1 John 3:18 – Let us not love – with words or tongue- but with actions – and in truth – 1 John 3:18. Repeat the verse several times. Allowing the kids to yell it out can make it fun. You can also rotate saying the parts between the teacher and children.
Sing another song: Jesus Loves the Little Children, His Banner Over Me is Love
Play a Game: Here is a list of Games, choose one that best fits your size group.
Lesson outline: Read the verse again. Discuss it with the class. Here are some general points to talk about:
Words don't mean anything if you do not treat people with love.
You can say you love your parents but when you disobey and talk back, those actions do not show love.
How do you show you love others?
How did Jesus show he loved you? (Died on the cross to save you.)
Do you want to know Jesus love and be saved?
Salvation prayer: Dear God, I know that I am a sinner because I have done some wrong things. Please forgive me. I believe Jesus is Your Son; He died on the Cross to save me and You raised Him from the dead three days later to live with You. Please become the God of my life; lead me to make good choices and tell others about Jesus. In Jesus name I ask. Amen
Do a Craft. List of Valentines Day Crafts: Heart Note Holder Craft, Heart Picture Frame Craft, Valentines Day Sun catchers
Get more great ideas at: kids Ministry Resources
How to Promote your Children's Ministry
How to Keep Discipline in the Sunday School Class
How to Play Bible Musical Chairs
How to Use a Giant Cage-ball in Sunday School Outdoor Games
Classic Potato Sack Race – Outdoor Game


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Check out this footage from 16-year-old Kevin Makwinski of Lodi, New Jersey, the winner of Active Ride Shop's Emerican Idol contest a couple of months back. I know this is old news, but I was just informed of the winner.
Use coupon code : reynolds25 to get get 25% Off the Reynolds collection! I get it! Thanks!
Check out this footage from 16-year-old Kevin Makwinski of Lodi, New Jersey, the winner of Active Ride Shop's Emerican Idol contest a couple of months back. I know this is old news, but I was just informed of the winner.
Read more (3 more images)
Whoa! Check out this guy sporting a tattoo of one of Emerica pro Ed Templeton's vintage board graphics from the early '90s.
Meet Emerica pros Andrew Reynolds, Kevin "Spanky" Long, Bryan Herman, Leo Romero, Austin Stephens and ams Matt Allen and Braydon Szafranski this coming Saturday, November 19, 2005 at 1:00 p.m. at Active Ride Shop's Bling Fest at the Rancho Cucamonga Epicenter, 8408 Rochester Avenue, Rancho Cucamonga, California.
All kinds of fun junk will be going down, including the Hundred Dollar Hammers best trick contest, plenty of autograph signings, raffles, give-aways, a bunch of bands, etc. For more info, call Active at (909) 987-9928.
Hey, I recently chose some of your questions then called Emerica pro Austin Stephens today and fired them by him. Thanks for participating. He really enjoyed answering them.
Get ready to interview Emerica am Braydon Szafranski soon.
Emerica pro Aaron Suski has done it again! For the second time recently, he has found his way onto the cover of yet another skate mag. This time, it's the December 2005 issue of Slap, which also features an article covering the Emerica Holland trip that we went on last Summer with Suski, Tosh Townend, Leo Romero and Matt Allen. The cover photo of Suski was shot in Amsterdam, and in case you're wondering, yep, he definitely is defying the norm by frontside boardsliding up the hand rail!
Designed by Fos
(Owner / Artist, Heroin Skateboards)
Fos drinks too much coffee and draws monsters a lot. He likes Tom Waits, skateboarding, Coke in glass bottles, Japanese horror films, Egyptian death metal, Osaka, Earl Grey tea, ice cream, sketchbooks, films about possessed cars, girls who work in coffee shops, salt and vinegar chips, lemon cheesecake, Stockwell skatepark, Alphons Mucha, The Addams Family, old horror films, popcorn, driving in L.A. while listening to Morrissey, layback frontside rocks, power slides and black coffee.
Fos doesn't drink alcohol, smoke or take drugs. He doesn't have any pets. He lives in New Cross in London. He owns (and does graphics for) two European skateboard companies, Heroin and Landscape. He's also done graphics for Toy Machine, Zero, Black Label and Volcom.
Heroin's name refers to Fos' addiction to skateboarding. "I was in the hospital with a badly broken wrist (from skateboarding), when I came up with the name. I don't do any drugs or drink, so it plays on irony." The core of the company concentrates on skateboard hardware, such as premium quality maple decks and urethane wheels. Heroin also puts out hats, T-shirts,
sweatshirts and stickers. What ties it all together is hauntingly good screen-printed graphics, mostly designed by Fos.
Like Fos and Heroin, Emerica is committed to skateboarding 100%. Emerica believes that through skateboarding, people can EmPower themselves to do great things, not just on their skateboards, but in life in general. Fos is an example. Get up and get out! Start your own company. Create something!
The Limited-Edition Heritic 2, emblazoned with artwork by Fos, is super rare and available only in shops in Japan and the UK. Or maybe you can find a pair on the Web somewhere? Ya better hurry up, though, cuz these pups won't be around for long.
Read more (5 more images)
Hey, all you Texas Kids, be sure to head on over to the Emerica signing at Fast Forward skate shop in Plano, Texas on Sunday, November 13, also known as the Night of Giving.
Check out the new 411 Volume 13 Issue 4, in which Emerica pro Leo Romero and Foundation teammate Tommy Gurrola share a new part. You wanna see a clip?


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Lebanon School Board voted 7-0 Monday to approve a three-year option to purchase almost 11 acres of land from Aspens, Inc., for a possible new elementary school. Cost of the deal is $100 a year.
"All you're committing to is $300," district solicitor Harry Reed Jr. told the board. "That's it. It's hard to beat the price."
The board has been debating whether to renovate 38-year-old Northwest Elementary School at 900 Maple St. or build a new school on the Aspens tract a few blocks to the west. Northwest, which has about 600 students, has had problems with its heating and cooling systems.
Reed told the board that the purchase option agreement includes access to off-site stormwater management facilities that would require a $100 a month maintenance fee if utilized and a $1 pathway easement that would enable students and staff to walk into nearby Coleman Park.
If the board decides to move forward with buying the land, the purchase price would be $40,000 an acre, compared to the listed fair market value of $61,000 an acre, Reed said.
In other action Monday, the board accepted a $12,500 proposal from the Pennsylvania Economy League to analyze the district's demographics and community growth patterns and provide projections of enrollments. Seven years ago, PEL conducted a similar study that enabled administrators to plan for renovations to several schools.
Superintendent Marianne Bartley suggested to the board that the study could assist in making a decision about Northwest's future.
The board also approved a summer program for students who are new to the district and for whom English is a second language.


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The Big D 56ers, one of the first Department 56 clubs in the country, is the collectors club for the Dallas area. Meetings are held the second Saturday of each month at
Christ United Methodist Church, 3101 Coit Road, Plano, Texas 75055
SW Corner of Parker & Coit
Entrance to meeting rooms is from the south parking lot.
Visitors are always welcome.
National Council of 56 Clubs
Department 56
Write To Us


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The team shows off their hard-earned championship trophy for the horde of photographers.
See thumbnails of this
photo gallery.
Arizona Board of Regents
For information on use of photos, please e-mail
Tom Story.
Office of Public Affairs
Fulton Center
300 E. University Drive, Suite 345
PO Box 877305
Tempe, AZ 85287-7305


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Grantee Profile
University of Chicago
Grants to University of Chicago
$1,000,000Active Strategy
2014 (Duration 2 years)
Digital Media & Learning
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — The Game Changer Chicago Design Lab at the University of Chicago creates digital stories, trans-media games, and new media art projects that advance young people's social and emotional health. Game Changer will use this grant to improve the quality of their most promising game prototypes in an effort to bring them to scale; to develop technology, science and health-based pathways for Chicago youth; and to conduct research to better understand the impact of game-based learning on young people's outcomes.
$300,000Active Strategy
2014 (Inactive Grant)
Digital Media & Learning
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — The University of Chicago's Game Changer Chicago Design Lab (GCC Lab) creates digital stories, trans-media games, and new media art projects that advance the social and emotional health of youth, with a particular focus on civic engagement and sexual and reproductive health. Game Changer will use this grant to create a trans-media, narrative-driven game to engage Chicago youth in science, technology and health learning as part of the year-round Chicago City of Learning, and study young people as they play the game to better understand how it facilitates learning and how badging and mentors affect youths' outcomes.
$250,000Active Strategy
2013 (Duration 2 years)
Policy Research
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — This grant to the Gary Becker Milton Friedman Institute for Research in Economics will support a distinguished group of academic and theoretical economists at the University of Chicago to pursue work on the effects of policy uncertainty, and to bring that research into Washington policy debates more deliberately. Foundation funds supplement other support raised by the Becker Friedman Institute to be used for theoretical and empirical research, to host conferences, and to actively connect this research, which is currently not well-represented in the policy debates, to the policy community.
2012 (Duration 3 years)
What We're Exploring: Cities, Information, and Governance
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — This grant to the University of Chicago funds a joint research initiative, co-led by scholars at the University of Chicago and Harvard University, on Neighborhood, Organization, and the Future of the City. A group of leading scholars with expertise on the social, physical, and organizational dimensions of urban areas will undertake a series of interdisciplinary working meetings, symposia, and publications in an effort to establish a research agenda and launch focused projects on promising new topics and methodologies, and thus spur a new wave of research on neighborhoods and the social and political organization of the contemporary American city.
$600,000Active Strategy
2012 (Duration 3 years)
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — This grant to the School of Social Service Administration will support a longitudinal study of the economic, educational, and social trajectories of young undocumented immigrants who are granted work permits under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program. The results will inform future policy debates over regularizing the status of undocumented immigrants by presenting credible evidence of the benefits and costs of doing so.
$500,000Active Strategy
2013 (Inactive Grant)
Digital Media & Learning
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — Game Changer Chicago Design Lab (GCC Lab) is a new research initiative at the University of Chicago that taps staff, students, and faculty to work with youth to create digital stories, trans-media games, and new media art projects related to the social and emotional well-being of urban youth. With this grant, the Game Changer Chicago Design Lab will work with the Chicago Hive Learning Network, Mozilla Foundation, Born This Way Foundation, and the MacArthur Research Network on Youth and Participatory Politics to create experiences that engage young people in learning through their interest in improving their communities and schools.
2009 (Inactive Grant)
What We're Exploring: Cities, Information, and Governance
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — To assemble, prepare, and analyze baseline data needed to evaluate the Chicago Elev8 program.
2008 (Inactive Grant)
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — In support of the Philanthropy and Educational Reform in Chicago project.
2001 (Inactive Grant)
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — In support of the Levi Fellowship Endowment.
1988 (Inactive Grant)
Peace & Security
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — To support the Council on Advanced Studies in Peace and International Cooperation, for fellowships in peace and security studies and related research and support activities (over five years).
The MacArthur Foundation awarded University of Chicago $4,345,612 between 1983 and 2015.
Related NewsSee All
"Pioneering Change: Innovative Ideas for Children and Families"
Related Grantee: University of Chicago
Chicago Announces Results of Energy Efficiency Competition
"Program Serves Local, Adventuresome Youth"
Related Grantee: University of Chicago
Grantees' Work Prompts Systemic Reforms to Immigration Courts
"New Report Draws Attention to Needs of Immigrant Children"
Related Grantee: University of Chicago


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Heartbroken and Beyond Depressed
Posted 30 October 2012 - 06:18 AM
I'm seeking a group with an on line message board where I may find answers, hope, and even someone who cares.
I'm in the South Orange County area and I see there are no groups even close to me. I'm not interested in starting a group in my area, as I'm currently passed the point of being merely sadden over the fact my grandchildren are being held from me. I'm completely devastated and can't even drag myself from bed to do daily chores or take care of myself. There's no way I'm hosting a group.
Four months ago my daughter and I got into a screaming match, where nasty comments were thrown at each other. My daughter had arrived at our home just 2 weeks prior, after having left her abusive boyfriend. Events happened and she declared she was going back to him. Of course, I lost my temper. This had been the 7-8th time we rescued her from this man. Each time brought major upheaval to our lives, great emotion, physical labor and precious time, not to mention Thousands upon thousand of dollars. Now to hear she was returning to him again caused me to lose my temper. She also had a lot of cruel, hateful comments she threw at me before loading the grandchildren up and taking them away.
This has nothing to do with the babies! My husband and I love those kids more than life. Since our daughter worked for us we saw the babies every day of their lives and each summer they came to live in our home for months. They have their own bedroom here, bikes, scooters, clothes, books, toys, and even pets. My husband is the one who taught our grandson to read.
We have not seen our grandkids nor even heard their voices for 4 months. We don't know where they are living or under what conditions. I only have email to contact my daughter. 99% of my emails go unanswered. When she does respond her only comments are "Never contact me again". My family (sisters) will offer NO help at all. They all have contact with her and even yesterday they saw our grandkids at a family party. Even though I asked they call me if my grandkids show up, so I could run over to see them, not one family member bothered to let me know. I found pictures of the babies on Facebook showing they were at the party with my family. No one bothered to let me know.
Needless to say, I'm devastated over this. I search my heart and soul everyday to see where I went wrong to deserve what is happening to me. If I'm at fault I'm willing to apologize, but if its the argument with my daughter over her choices in her abusive relationship that had nothing to do with the babies and she is using them as weapons to hurt and destroy me.
I'm terribly, terribly depressed. I'm very hurt by the actions and lack of action by my sisters. I feel abandoned by the world. My heart breaks to see the photos of the kids at the party. They have changed even over the last few months. Can you help me?
Thank you for listening.
- email@example.com likes this
#2 Guest_GoogleEarth_*
Posted 30 October 2012 - 01:20 PM
From what you've typed, you had a very close relationship with your daughter and her children. And your current situation is complicated by the fact that she's gone back to an abusive man.
First. There is the relationship with your daughter. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, you MUST have a relationship with her.
You said:
Four months ago my daughter and I got into a screaming match, where nasty comments were thrown at each other.
And then followed that up with:
This has nothing to do with the babies!
Respectfully, it has everything to do with the babies. Generally, a person cannot have a relationship with the parent of a child if there is no respect for that parent. Again, I can understand how you may not respect the mother. How you may actually think she's a terrible mother, especially if she puts her children in abusive situations. By any chance, did you tell her that? Did you tell her she's a terrible mother? Did you hint that she's a terrible mother? Did you threaten her with her children, maybe, if she left the "safety and sanctity" of your home with them? Let's assume all of that is true.
I'm going to tell you, stranger that I am, that you're RIGHT, if you said all those things. If your daughter is being abused and she took her kids back into an abusive situation, then IMO your daughter is terrible and awful and all the things you probably said to her. But guess what? If I said those things to her face, I wouldn't be seeing her kids ever again either. And I'm just an internet stranger. Why do you think that because you're her mother you don't have to apologize for the hurtful things you said? Because you were right? "Right" makes you lonely, doesn't it? "Right" hasn't brought your grandchildren by, has it? "Right" doesn't even get your own sisters behind you helping you, instead, they don't help you so they can monitor the babies PROBABLY because they realize that your daughter is a person with low self esteem. Especially so if she's putting her babies in harm's way. Your family probably sees their niece as a person who doesn't think she is worth much. A person who doesn't realize the strength she has to do what's best for her kids. She already was a puppy who'd been bruised and beaten, and since you said you hurled nasty comments too, do you think SHE SEES what you did as any different than what her abuser does to her? I'm not calling you an abuser. I don't know you. But you've got an abused daughter who does not have the coping skills or self esteem to remove herself from a BAD situation, she's dragging two babies into it, and you spend your time yelling at her? Guess what? You're not safe either, anymore, so of course she's not going to come to you or talk to you.
I don't say any of this it to be mean. I say it to offer you a different viewpoint. I hope that this helps you. What I suggest you do now is, for the sake of the children, don't be RIGHT. Apologize for what was said. And wait. Unfortunately, I suspect you have a LOT of waiting in front of you to do, especially if you said anything along the lines of your daughter being a bad mother.
I understand that in the heat of the moment, yes, you were so focused on being RIGHT that you forgot about them. You thought you could reason with an unreasonable person. And if you stay on these boards long enough you'll realize that there isn't anybody who can reason with an unreasonable person. I would say your daughter is unreasonable for putting her kids in an abusive situation. BUT. She is not unreasonable to not want to talk to you.
If you really care about the kids, you'll stop also caring about being RIGHT and you'll apologize and wait. I'm not saying you need to be used again by your daughter, but you need to make yourself a safe person so you can help her HELP HERSELF get out of this situation, like letting her know about women's shelters in the area and services that are provided for abused women. Apparently, hiding out at your house isn't helping. And I can see why because it's a band-aid on a gusher--it's not fixing the problem that's within her that makes her want to go back.
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Posted 30 October 2012 - 01:24 PM
I'm not surprised that you're feeling so depressed - or "beyond depressed," as you say. Actually, I think it's a very normal reaction. Even though, thank goodness, your GSs are alive and well, I imagine you're experiencing a sense of loss/ a kind of grief. I'm sure there will be many people here who sympathize with you, as I do. And several who empathize, as well, b/c, believe me, there are many GPs on these boards who are going through the same thing. I hope you don't mind if I also suggest that you seek counseling to help you cope with this situation, as well. I'm also wondering if DH is taking it as hard as you. But either way, I hope he is being supportive.
S & D, I don't blame you for being outraged that your DD (dear daughter - if you don't feel like calling her that, please feel free to say so) was returning to her abusive BF, yet again. Especially after what you've all been through! I'm certain I would have felt the same way. I have almost no doubt, however, that, unfortunately, she's keeping the GC away from you b/c of that last argument, as you, yourself, suggest. And yes, she might be "using them as weapons." If so, I think that is terribly cruel and I'm even more deeply sorry that this is happening to you.
If it's any comfort, though, she might not be thinking of it like that. It just may be that the strain between you, right now, is so great that, I'm sorry but perhaps, she cant' imagine seeing you, even long enough to bring over the GC or for you to pick them up. And while I'm sure you wouldn't say anything aganst her or her BF (boyfriend) to the GC, she might be afraid you would. (If, in the heat of argument you found yourself saying bad things about him in front of the boys, this may be a reason why she would think that. Even though I'm sure she said nasty things to you, too.) So even though in your mind, this fight had "nothing to do with the babies," in her mind, perhaps, it does.
Please understand that I'm not defending her or blaming you in any way. And I know that nothing I said about her, just now, makes it any easier for you not to have access to you GSs. I'm just hoping it may help a little to realize that her motives may not be as malicious they might seem.
Regardless of her motives, it's possible that she's holding out for an apology. Or that a sincere apology would soften her heart, even if she's not looking for one. I think I know a way that you could do that w/o saying "sorry" for your objections to her return to the BF. If you're interested, please let me know.
... To be continued...
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Posted 30 October 2012 - 01:43 PM
I see that GoogleEarth and I answered you, at the same time. I haven't read her post yet, so I hope that nothing in mine was reptitive and that nothing in this one will be either...
I wanted to add something about your sisters... Please try not to see it as if they have "abandoned" you. I know you wanted them to let you know if your GSs' "showed up" at the party so you could "run over to see them." But I think they were very wise not to do that. After all, what do you think would have happened if they had called you and you had come over? B/c I think there would have been a terrible scene... Your DD would very likely have chased you out or, if she couldn't (I get the impression this wasn't her party), she and BF would have packed up the kids and left if it was someone else'. It would not have helped your situation one bit - and, what's worse, DD would probably have cut your sisters - the children's great aunts - out of their lives, too. Would you want that? I don't think so. Honey, I know it may be hard for you to see, right now - but that's just it - your sisters, IMO, are seeing clearer than you are, at the moment - they acted in your best interests, I believe, and, no doubt, in their own and that of the kids.
Besides, this situation isn't their fault nor is it their problem to solve. Please don't hold any of it against them. It is only hurting you more.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers (if that's ok)... Peace...
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Posted 30 October 2012 - 05:14 PM
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Posted 30 October 2012 - 06:04 PM
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#7 Guest_Kalana_*
Posted 30 October 2012 - 09:43 PM
In the meantime, do get some help for your depression. You won't be able to be there for her when she needs you if you have fallen apart.
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Posted 31 October 2012 - 12:06 AM
But then I read WWU's post and was struck by the info she gave you about abusive relationships. I hope it gives you some hope.
Her comment about the party also caught my attention. If it was a "family party," ordinarily, I imagine you'd be there. If, unfortunately, you weren't invited, coming even to see your GSs would be "crashing" and perhaps not very welcome by the hosts. If you were invited but decided you'd only show if your GSs appeared, I have to agree with WWU that this may have seemed offenstive, even though I know you didn't intend it that way. Especially if one of your sisters, themselves, was hosting the party, but even if not. It was. no doubt, an awkard situation for them so they decided to take a "hands off" policy. No harm intended, I'm certain.
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Posted 31 October 2012 - 01:12 AM
Thank you so much for your advice, suggestions, sympathy, and kindness. I have read every word you have posted, twice over. There is so much wisdom in those words and I plan to take a lot of the advice given. Thank you all for taking the time to care about me, although I'm a total stranger.
It's hard for me to put together a sensible reply right now. I've spent the last days in bed, crying so much I have a sore under my nose from wiping. There are just a couple of things I'd like to post tonight before I go back to sleep to escape.
During the big blow up between my D and I there were a lot of horrible things we screamed at each, but I'd like you to know I have never thought of my D as a bad mother and never accused her of being so. Even in moments of extreme anger I have never said a word about her being a bad mom. In fact, she is a very good mother. It's her circumstance, not her that is what is bad. What I was screaming that afternoon was that she was an ungrateful, spoiled brat. At the time I meant it, and I still feel the same today. I could go on for 20 pages detailing all my husband and I have done for her and have given her. But, I'm sure many of you have similar stories of all you have given your kids, so I will spare you the details. There is just one thing that would make a difference in this story by you knowing this......at the time of the blow up argument we were in the parking lot of her apartment in a different state and the moving van we had hired to move her out of the place she was living with the BF had just driven off down the street. My D and I were to follow, each in separate cars to her new home (in a completely new state). See, my husband and I are retired with no income, except our life's investment for our nest egg. We own a small business where at one time we employed our D and her BF. (A year ago she became angry over a business decision we made and minutes before we were to open she ripped her apron off, yelled I quit, and stormed out. Leaving us with one employee for the next week until we could hire someone. Her BF came in the next day and quit, too). That was a year ago and now she was asking us to rescue her again.
Although we have no income, and due to the economy we lose money every month at the business, we cashed in an investment and went to Nevada (where we could afford) and bought her a 3 bedroom condo! We paid cash for it, so she would not need to worry about rent. We already had our GS registered into a charter school (he has ADHD and does not do well in large public schools). It was under these circumstances when the argument broke out, where she was telling me she was going back to the BF and when she took the grandkids and left. We are now left holding this condo that we used our nest egg to pay for. In addition, she has abandoned all her possessions that were in the moving van, including all the GC clothes, toys, and beds. She called me a few days later and told me to take all her things to the dump. That was the reason I was screaming that she was an ungrateful spoiled brat.
I hope this new information sheds some light on this situation. I promise to post more over the next couple days when I'm in a better frame of mind. Thank you again for all your much need advice.
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Posted 31 October 2012 - 01:50 AM
I know some people may feel you "rescued" D one too many times. But I understand how you felt as loving parents and GPs. And how willing and happy you must have been to help D get away from what you describe as an abusive situation.
Clearly, somthing happened between the time D asked you to help her and the day she decided to go back to her BF. Maybe it was even a tearful convo with him the night b4. (Abusers, if that's what he is, are known for being able to turn on the charm and make all kinds of promises to "do better" when they want to get their family back.) But if nothing else, she should have acknowledged the sacrifices you and DH made and offered to pay you back, financially, over time.
Then again, I suppose it's possible that she felt as if you and DH were doing too much - you bought the condo for her, enrolled her child in school, etc. I'm just feeling around for possibilities here, trying to help you make some sense of what happened, but I think she might have taken your very well-intended efforts as a sign that you didn't trust her judgment or her ability to do for herself or her kids. You may not have called her a "bad mother" but if she felt as if you see her as "immature" or 'incompetent" (I know you didn't say that, either), then she may have decided, "The heck with it - I'm going back to BF!" I totally understand why you flipped put - I probably would have, too - who wouldn't have? But the very fact that you called her a "spoiled brat," (italics mine) suggests that you still see her as a kid. That may not be how you, generally, feel about her - but that may be what she "heard."
I remember that once, years ago, as a young woman, when I was having some issues with my mom, I overheard her telling someone that I was "rebelling." That infuriated me b/c it suggested that she was looking at me as if I were a teenager-rebelling-against- parental-authority when, in fact, I was an adult and a wife-and-mom, assering my own rightful authority over my home, children, etc. That's a different story, I realize, than your D going back-and-forth, regarding BF, etc. But, for different reasons, she might be feeling the same way I did, back then. Or not... Just a thought...
I'm going to have to take back what I said b4 about having some ideas about an apology though. I don't see how you can apologize for having spoken to her like a kid w/o her thinking that you're also ok with her rather erratic and impetuous behavior. Even though, right now, she says "never" to contact her "again," judging by her past behavior, I imagine, she'll reach out to you again, in time. As hard as I know it may be, I agree with those who say to give her some "space" and wait until she's ready. I know you wont' hesitate to help her again if she asks for it. But pehaps next time, you'll be more cautious about how much you do.
Hope you really do feel better in a couple of days and talk to us some more then, if not b4. Till then... Hugs!
Posted 31 October 2012 - 02:05 AM
Whatever is going on between them, it may not always be such a good environment for the kids. But if the children looked happy in the FB pics that you saw, then perhaps that means that, for the most part, things are ok. So please take heart in that.... Meanwhile, please take care of yourself... and be patient...
Posted 31 October 2012 - 08:19 PM
Posted 01 November 2012 - 11:35 AM
And I hope your D agrees to the mediator. Please realize (and I think you do) that she might tale a long time to respond to your request, though, if at all. After all, at least for now, she doesn't seem to want any contact. So even though you proposed a lovely and reasonable idea, she may choose not to answer, at the moment.
I'm a big believer in mediation, overall. But, IMO, in order for it to work, both parties have to be in an a positiong of equal power and/or have roughly equal needs. Often that's not the case with parents and GPs but in your situation, I think it might be. DD and BF, like most parents, have control over who the kids spend their time with and, usually, GPs have nothing to immediately match that. But you and DH might b/c you have control (for want of a better expression) over whether or not you help DD when she needs it and how much. By the same token, you have the greater need, IMO - to visit with your beloved GC - but DD, sometimes, needs you help. And even if she's determined never to reach out to you again, at some point, she's almost bound to miss you and to want a relationship with you again. Especially since, as PPs have said, it seems that in the past you were very close. Also she may decide she'd like a chance to work out a relationship with you where you approach her as a competent adult, etc. It may take a while b4 she gets to the point where she's ready to deal with this but I truly think there's hope here!
Posted 01 November 2012 - 03:00 PM
I think it's time to start focusing on you. Not on DD, not on your grands, but you. Because that's the only person you can control and help right now. Talk to your doctor about your depression. Talk to a real estate expert or three and an accountant or two about the best way to handle the condo. Whether selling it or getting a vetted and reliable tenant is most beneficial for you. If I may be very honest, in the interest of helping you find relief, it doesn't make any sense that you have no income, are strapped for cash and losing it to keep your business afloat, yet you decided to buy a condo paid in full (!!) for someone who wavers on decisions (6 or 7 times), someone you knew commits to nothing and is prone to impulsive changes. I can see covering a deposit and a couple months rent on an apt, or helping with some rent on a month to month basis after that when asked to. But I see cashing out your own future in one lump sum to buy a place far away you can never use yourself as extremely self-destructive behavior on your part. I think that is a part of you that is truly worth exploring with your doctor. Why do you hurt you? There is caring about your grown children, there is helping them in a bind, then there is something else that is way too much sacrafice. This goes beyond helping out. Some people might use the word codependent to describe the behavior. That's when it becomes important to someone that someone else depends on them for stuff when both people know deep down that the someone else should be doing more to take care of themselves. Its a bad habit that can sneak up on good people, especially as a loving parent and involved grandparent (and maybe a business owner?) who's used to always taking care of everyone else before taking care of herself. Of course I don't know if that's what's going on here or not, but there's definitely some unhealthy habits for you going on, and that's what the doctor can help you figure out. I don't know if you're ready to see it this way yet, but I don't think your daughter put you in a bad way with the condo, I think you put yourself in a bad way. I see how its tempting to blame her for your own poor decision, because you had her in your mind when you did it. Its not something she did to you, it's a choice you made to do to yourself. It's your money you spent, it's your name on the dotted line. And it's not clear thinking. That's why I urge you to talk to a doctor. Something is way off here and I'm worried for you. I hope you work on you to find out what is going on within yourself. So you can begin healing from within. Where it counts.
Take care of you. DD taking a Time Out is not your main problem. This unhealthy behavior was going on while DD and the children were still in your life, when you cashed in your future for a condo in Nevada. As long as you look over at DD, what she's doing, what you think she should be doing to make you feel better, you're not looking at yourself and what you can do for yourself to begin to feel better. DD is taking care of herself and her children. That's all she's supposed to do. You need someone to take care of you, and that someone has to be you. I urge you to seek professional care to help you through this growth process. Take care. And big hugs.
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Posted 02 November 2012 - 07:23 AM
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Posted 02 November 2012 - 01:13 PM
I don't have a quick fix for you, but please, please take the time to read this:
The title is Letting Go of Our Adult Children. It will help you so much. And it's completely free. I just stumbled across it while searching for SOMETHING that might help my Mom.
Best wishes!
Posted 02 November 2012 - 11:24 PM
Posted 04 November 2012 - 03:06 PM
Four months ago my daughter and I got into a screaming match, where nasty comments were thrown at each other. My daughter had arrived at our home just 2 weeks prior, after having left her abusive boyfriend. Events happened and she declared she was going back to him. Of course, I lost my temper.
Why "of course" I lost my temper?
There's no 'of course' about it. How did you think losing your temper and screaming that she was a spoiled brat going to help? Do you really think this was the best way to handle the situation? Screaming and name calling in the middle of a parking lot?
It looks as though your daughter, whatever her faults and shortcomings, is between an abusive boyfriend and an abusive mother. And if indeed she is a 'spoiled brat', how did she get that way? There's a certain irony about mothers calling their own offspring 'spoiled brat'.
There are very few situations that can be improved by screaming in public and name calling. I strongly suggest you seek out counseling to learn better communication and coping methods.
This had been the 7-8th time we rescued her from this man. Each time brought major upheaval to our lives, great emotion, physical labor and precious time, not to mention Thousands upon thousand of dollars. Now to hear she was returning to him again caused me to lose my temper.
Why 7-8th times? Why didn't you stop at, say 3? She didn't cause all the expense and upheaval to your lives, you did. There seems to be boundary, codenpendency and enmeshment issues at play.
She did not 'cause' you to lose your temper; you chose to.
She also had a lot of cruel, hateful comments she threw at me before loading the grandchildren up and taking them away.
Do not be dismissive of 'cruel and hateful' comments because you did not like her delivery method. Those comments tell you what the problem is, and you ignore them at your own peril.
You also 'threw cruel and hateful comments' at her. But you meant a lot of what you said, you do think she's foolish and entitled and whatever, a spoiled brat. Your delivery method was horrible, but your meaning was real.
Her delivery method was no different than yours; she likely learned it from you. The dynamics of family life growing up for women who choose abusive relationships are very interesting. And it's worth you taking yourself to therapy and learn about yourself and your relationship with your daughter.
And it's important that you look beyond your daughter's delivery method and take the meaning of her complaints about you seriously--just as you wish she would do for you.
This has nothing to do with the babies! My husband and I love those kids more than life. Since our daughter worked for us we saw the babies every day of their lives and each summer they came to live in our home for months. They have their own bedroom here, bikes, scooters, clothes, books, toys, and even pets. My husband is the one who taught our grandson to read. We have not seen our grandkids nor even heard their voices for 4 months. We don't know where they are living or under what conditions.
Of course it has everything to do with 'the babies'! If not seeing your grandchildren for 4 months has you so devastated you can't stop crying or get out of the bed, then clearly it has everything to do with 'the babies'.
They aren't your 'babies'; you are not their parents. And they are not prozac for grandma. There are clearly boundary issues, enmeshment, and role blurring going on here--and it's hurting everyone. Again--counseling.
Loving someone else's children 'more than life' is one of those things that sounds so noble, generous and big hearted but in reality is a big red flag for therapists. It's a major violation of boundary crossing, not against the real parents of the children (altho that too), but against the children. It's hyperbole of feeling, and it's an attempt to cover deep insecurity and emptiness in the professor of such larger than life statements.
Children are not comfortable being 'more than life' to adults. You are doing your grandchildren no favors investing all your emotion into them.
I only have email to contact my daughter. 99% of my emails go unanswered. When she does respond her only comments are "Never contact me again".
So why do you continue to contact her? She's made herself clear: Leave her alone.
You cannot force your will on another adult--no matter how much you love them. Again this is boundary and enmeshment playing out very dysfunctionally. And you are being very disrespectful. She said, don't contact her again--so don't. You may think it's 'loving' to keep trying and trying and trying to reach out to her: but in reality it's controlling, and that's how she experiences it.
It's the mother version of Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction: "I will not be ignored".
If 99% of your emails go unanswered and the 1% that are answered are answered with "never contact me again", you are being ignored. She has the right to ignore you, and you need to accept that.
My family (sisters) will offer NO help at all. They all have contact with her and even yesterday they saw our grandkids at a family party. Even though I asked they call me if my grandkids show up, so I could run over to see them, not one family member bothered to let me know.
Your sisters are right not to get involved. You are trying to triangulate them into your dysfunctional relationship with your daughter. You are trying to recruit them to put pressure on your daughter to see things your way. This is manipulative and very unhealthy and will not get the results you want even if you are successful in getting your sisters on 'your side'.
It's also possible that your sisters don't agree with you and see her point; they may agree with her.
Your calling your sisters up and trying to arrange a meeting with your grandchildren even though you know your daughter does not want you to see them is downright out of bounds. Of COURSE your sisters said no to that. They are not going to play silly 'ambush' games with your against your daughter; nothing will get them cut off from your daughter and her family faster.
Did you really think ambushing your daughter and grandchildren at another relative's house was going to improve your relationship with your daughter?
Needless to say, I'm devastated over this. I search my heart and soul everyday to see where I went wrong to deserve what is happening to me.
You search your heart and soul every day to see wh ere you went wrong--but you aren't coming up with any answers. That's because you are not objective and way to emotionally involved. A good therapist will help you see where you are going wrong.
Your daughter has told you what her problem with you is (under the screaming you both do). Ignore the delivery method and pay attention to the words. You already know the answer; you are just having trouble accepting it.
If I'm at fault I'm willing to apologize, but if its the argument with my daughter over her choices in her abusive relationship that had nothing to do with the babies and she is using them as weapons to hurt and destroy me.
"If" you are at fault? If? You stand in a parking lot and scream at your adult daughter in front of her children that she is a spoiled brat, and you say, "if" you are at fault?
Also, he choices in her abusive relationship not only have nothing to do with 'the babies', but also have nothing to do with you. You are way emotionally involved in her adult lifestyle choices. She can (and will) be with whom she wants and she will deal with the consequences of her choices. All this involvement in her adult choices is nothing but enabling her and codependency, very, very unhealthy.
And I wonder about his abusiveness. Is it the same as your abusiveness towards her? Yelling, name calling, controlling, drama filled? I understand you think of him as the villain, and who knows maybe he is: but the reality is, YOU have no objectivity to judge. Odd that you hired him and regretted losing him as an employee, but want to separate your daughter from him. I'm sure you have lots of examples of what's wrong with him and he did this and that and you only hired him to help her, blah, blah... but none of that matters: you aren't a participant in your daughter's relationship and however close and enmeshed you are with them both, you really don't know what's going on. It's very important for you to give your daughter and her boyfriend the dignity of space--emotional and physical. She can't figure out her life with you hoovering over her shoulder, telling her what to do and disparaging her if she chooses not to do it.
She's not using her children as 'weapons' to hurt you. She's cut you off so OF COURSE she's cut the children off from you too. And if she does have the ability to 'destroy' you by using her own children as weapons, then it was you who put those weapons in her hands.
But hyperbole aside, it's not about destroying you and using children as weapons. You are likely not the center of her world the way you have made her and her children the center of yours. She's withdrawn and is living her life without you being front and center in it--and your pain at her doing so only indicates how far off base you've gotten. You need to learn to do the same.
Can you help me?
Enmeshed people with boundary and control issues have a LOT of trouble understanding why enmeshment is unhealthy and wrong. It feel so safe to them, so loving. But it's not, it's crippling. It is very hard to see when you are in the middle of it. You need to talk to a therapist, and the solution to your relationship with your daughter is not focusing on her boyfriend or her children, but instead on focusing with those complaints she made ab out you when you and she were screaming at each other in the parking lot.
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Posted 05 November 2012 - 01:23 AM
I often tease my kids and say mean things to them, but they have my sense of humor and know I am joking. They do it right back and we laugh our butts off. We don't, however, say these things in sincerity.
Your daughter is in a dangerous situation. She is clinging to a relationship that is abusive and therefore doomed. She senses it is failing and she thinks she can hold it together by focussing on a common enemy. And that is where you came in. All of the resentment and frustration she feels from being his punching bag has now transferred to you, because you lost your temper.
Is it fair? Hell no.
But that sort of thing happens quite often in cases of spousal abuse.
I hope it works out for you. I hope it works out for these Grands of yours.
Posted 05 November 2012 - 05:11 AM
If you and DH have become overly enmeshed with your GSs, it's not hard for me to understand why. When GPs watch their GC every day, while the parents are at work and then, as in your case, have them, on their own, for weeks or months at a time, there's almost bound to be a shift in feeling somewhere - a point where "Gramma" and "Grampa," suddenly being to feel as/almost as responsible for those children as "Mommy" and "Daddy." That almost can't be helped, IMO. A professional nanny, usually, keeps a certain emotional distance from the children she takes care of. Often she has beenadvised or even trained to do that. A GP can't do that - they're not supposed to. They're expected to love those children fully. But when they also have a lot of responsibility for those kids, the lines between parent and GP can become very "blurred," as Ginnie suggests.
The only reason that I, as a GP caregiver, myself, have been able to keep my eye on those boundaries and hold my feelings (and, in some instances, my opinions) in check are these: 1. the example of my very wise parents who raised a cousin of mine for about 5 years but always kept in mind that a parents was planning to take him back, in the end, and that they'd have to let go when that happened (and it did); 2. everything I've learned - and keep learning - on these boards about boundaries, etc. Otherwise, I don't know how I would be.
In fact, I'm tempted to say that if your D didn't want that to happen, she should have found other childcare arrangements. But, to be fair, she probably didn't know what the effect would be. And chances are, neither did you and DH.
None of this means that it's ok to remain so entangled with your D and her kids. In fact, as painful as it may be to deal with, she may be right to try to put some space between you, at least for now. IMO, you both (or perhaps I should say "all" and include your DH) need some distance to begin to see, once again, where one leaves off and the other begins.
I'm not clear on whether you lost your temper in the parking lot or on the phone when D called about the items in the van. But no matter - either way, I know you could have done better (and I'm sure you do, too). I can understand your frustration though - you and DH have put yourselves out so much, and so many times, to help your D and you had everything "good to go" - and then she tells you that she's going back to the very man you're trying to help her get away from! I get the point that it was your choice to do so much., so often and not hers - but I have to respectfully disagree with the idea that you "chose" to lose your temper. I have a feeling that was an "involuntary" reaction, born of your extreme frustration.
Meanwhile, I'm wondering whether a lot of the items in the moving van were provided by you and DH. If so, that might explain further why you were so quick to call D "an ungrateful spoiled brat!" At the same time, it would explain why it was so easy for her to let them go.
I hate to say it but it sounds to me as if she might have planned that. So much easier to say, "Just take the stuff to a dump," if it's already packed up in a van. Her change of heart may have seemed sudden to you but I suspect it had been "coming" for a while.
B/c dear, I imagine your D often gives you and DH cues as to what she's thinking and you're just not picking them up. Just as you keep contacting her, after she has told you not to, I'm going to take a wild guess that she made some noises about maybe going back to BF again and you just brushed them off/blocked them out. (I know I could be totally wrong about that and if so, please forgive me.) If so, that would explain why she might have felt the only thing to do was to pack up that van, send it off and then tell you her decision, last minute. Not the best way to handle the situation, either, of course, anymore than hurling insults at her was the best way for you to deal.
By the same token, I think Ginnie's right that the keys to why D is pushing you away and why she returned to BF are in the words she yelled as your argued. And I love Ginnies; suggestion that you look beyond the unfortunate delivery to the words themselves and see what they are telling you. You may not like it but it may help you understand the situation a whole lot better.
S&D, I still believe your D may reach out to you again, one day. But it may not be till she's establshed a firm sense of herself, which, sadly, I don't think she has, as yet. You may have to wait, pray, if that's your inclination, seek counseling to help you cope, etc. Please also continue to reach out here.... Patience...
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Normalize Vs Volume increase
Normalize Vs Volume increase
Jun 29 2011, 23:08
Post #1
Group: Members
Posts: 161
Joined: 7-May 07
Member No.: 43262
I'm having trouble figuring out which of the two is better for me to create a vinyl recording at the highest volume without clipping.
I capture a record via my preamp into Audacity, and I get what seem to be relatively low levels even though I make sure the levels are right when I record (Peak: -6.4db, RMS -24.6db). Am I doing something wrong? Or are those levels right? These recordings don't seem as loud as mastered CDs.
Anyway, to get the most accurate sound possible, should I use normalize or just increase the volume? If normalizing makes everything sound the same at a peak level, doesn't that completely screw with the dynamic range of the music?
Jun 30 2011, 01:52
Post #2
Group: Members
Posts: 3043
Joined: 24-August 07
From: Silicon Valley
Member No.: 46454
1. What do you recommend I do with my settings when I capture vinyl, for someone like me who is all about the purity of the sound as it is reproduced by the stylus and cartridge?CDs are 44.1kHz, 16-bit. These settings are more than adequate for vinyl. There's no harm in using 48kHz (or higher), and if you've got a 24-bit soundcard there's no harm in recording at 24-bits.
But, don't buy-into the "audiophile nonsense" about analog vinyl having "infinite resolution". That's like saying a tape measure has infinite resolution, but a digital caliper is limited. The noise on a record (and in the preamp) limits the resolution... You can (usually) hear noise between tracks on a record, and you can tell if the record is spinning or stopped, or if the stylus is in the groove or not (especially with headphones). You can't (usually) tell if a CD is paused/stopped, because it's very quiet, and has greater dynamic range & resolution than a record.
2. I have Sound Forge and have decent knowledge of sound tech. Should I be using that instead of Audacity or is there some other program which would be even better? I'd rather learn a more complex program and capture my vinyl correctly than use a novice program that isn't going to reproduce sound as faithfully.The recording software doesn't affect sound quality. It just sets-up the soundcard & driver for the proper format and routes the digital data to your hard drive.
Sound Forge may have better tools for noise reduction or other enhancements in "post production" (after you have a digital audio file on your hard drive).
The hardware is a different story. Some cheap soundcards/soundchips can generate audible noise. (Distortion and frequency response are usually not issues.) If you suspect that your soundcard is contributing noise,* you might look for a better "audio interface". You can get interfaces with line-level inputs, and a few have built-in phono preamps, which you don't need. (But, watch out for USB soundcards... Most "regular" USB soundcards only have a microphone input and line outputs, and are not suitable for high quality recording.)
* I'm talking about recording noise. If you are using your computer for playback, that could be an issue too, but you really want to avoid adding noise to the digitized recording.
This post has been edited by DVDdoug: Jun 30 2011, 02:05
Jun 30 2011, 02:05
Post #3
Group: Members
Posts: 161
Joined: 7-May 07
Member No.: 43262
CDs are 44.1kHz, 16-bit. These settings are more than adequate for vinyl. There's no harm in using 48kHz (or higher), and if you've got a 24-bit soundcard there's no harm in recording at 24-bits.
So there's no need (getting the dbs I showed you earlier) to do any normalizing and volume increasing if what I want is the most faithful capture of sound from the record?...within reason
|Lo-Fi Version
|Time is now: 26th November 2015 - 21:01


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Focus on Community/Arts
Celebrate Forgotten Culture of the Shore
Posted on Monday, November 08, 2010
WYE MILLS Chesapeake College looks back at long-standing activities that once defined the area with its 3rd Cadby Series event, "Vanishing Traditions", with Rhonda Aaron, Janice Marshall, and Dr. Elaine Eff. "Vanishing Traditions" will be presented on Wednesday, Nov.17, at 12 p.m. at the Cadby Theatre in the Kent Humanities Building.
The discussion will be led by prize-winning folklorist and author Dr. Elaine Eff, who is also the co-founder and co-director of the Maryland State Arts Council's Maryland Traditions since 2001. Dr. Eff has a long history with the Shore herself, and said she is proud to moderate "Vanishing Traditions", saying "I think it is critical and timely that the college, like any good neighbor, looks around and acknowledges the communities that surround it. The people, places and traditions of the Shore could not be more distinctive or better reflect the land and water that make us what and who we are."
Rhonda Aaron hails from Hooper's Island and carries the distinction of being a repeat Women's Champion Muskrat Skinner of the Eastern Shore, with a 2004 skinning performance featured in the documentary film, Muskrat Lovely. A nationally known Eastern Shore cook as well, she can whip up dishes that run the gamut from Southwestern Muskrat to the acclaimed Smith Island Cake.
Janice Marshall is a sixth-generation Smith Islander and founder of the Smith Island Crabmeat Co-op, the longest running all female-owned and operated business of its kind. Janice spends the rest of her spare time participating in local Ladies Aid and watermen's events, plying her crab picking skills, and performing local dramatic acts for her community.
Traditions and Transitions 2010 -2011 covers a broad scope of past, present, and future times on the Shore, ranging from "Preserving the Memories of the African-American Past" and the "Tidewater Chamber Singers," to "Women and the Future of Agriculture on the Shore" and "Saving the Chesapeake Bay: What's the Latest?" Five unique events and programs remain to be presented from November 17, 2010 to May 18, 2011, with the last production featuring the celebrated Tidewater Chamber Singers, who will express "the beauty of the Eastern Shore through music."
Traditions and Transitions 2010 -2011 was developed to appeal to a broad range of patrons and to provide a new appreciation of the region. Supported by a donation from M&T Bank, all Traditions and Transitions programs are free and open to the public.
Dr. Eff reflects that, "I have witnessed many changes over the years, but the people never waiver . . . the people who live off the bounty of the Shore following the lead of their parents and grandparents watermen, farmers, hunters and trappers and the women who support and contribute to their success could not be more dedicated to this place, insuring that their stories are remembered, despite the winds of change."
For more information about Vanishing Traditions, or future events of the Cadby Theatre Series, please call: 410-822-5400, ext. 5825.
If there is inaccurate information on this page,
please send correction or comments to: Marcie Molloy


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TRUCKEE, CA - About 400 students and community members heard from first responders and Coast Guard Auxiliary members on Wednesday. The topic was cold-water survival techniques, a subject that for many hits close to home.
"In early January we had a canoe that turned over in Donner Lake," Truckee Fire District Public Safety and Information Officer Gene Welch said. "It was in about ten feet of water and the female made it to shore but the male drowned in about 10 feet of water very close to the shore."
The Coast Guard Auxiliary says a lot of people don't realize just how dangerous cold water can be.
"Cold water immersion – the muscle incapacitation you suffer, the muscles and nerves don't connect anymore and you're just sitting there," Flotilla Commander Jerry Gilmore said.
That point was illustrated with a DVD documentary of a cold-water boot camp.
"These are very strong people that jump into 45-degree water," Gilmore said. "And you see them take four or five strokes and then just start shivering and rescue swimmers have to come help them."
The swimmers had a much easier time when given life vests.
"We just don't emphasize enough that a life vest doesn't do any good if you're not wearing it or you don't have it at hand," Gilmore said. "Be prepared when you're around water, especially cold water, that a vest is the thing that is going to save your life."
First responders say anyone on the water should be prepared to go in it – even if that's not in the plans.
"They should never be on the water without a personal flotation device and they should be dressed for the water even if they're on a boat," Welch said. "Especially people on paddle boards and kayaks because they end up going in the water more times than not. It's really helpful if they've practiced how to get back on their equipment before they're forced to do it in a real-life setting."
He says being aware of your surroundings is also helpful in emergencies, especially when dialing 911.
"We've had instances in our department where our response has been delayed by ten minutes where a call came in via cell and was directed to another fire department," Welch said.
In a lot of cases involving freezing water, those ten minutes can make a big difference.
"It's called the one-ten-one rule, you've got a minute to get your breath under control," Gilmore said. "Then you have ten minutes to effectively rescue yourself. Beyond that you've got between thirty minutes and two hours to be rescued. If you have a life vest on, that's the key because after ten minutes, if you don't have a life vest on, you're gone."
The Coast Guard Auxiliary works to support the active-duty Coast Guard, helps ensure boater safety and educates residents on proper procedures and techniques.
"We all enjoy giving back," District 11NR SO-OP Jack Leth said. "A lot of us are retired and thought about what we can do to give back to the community. Those of us that did things around water somehow gravitated to the Coast Guard Auxiliary. We are a force multiplier for the Coast Guard; they only have 20 people here so anything we can do to help them lighten the load helps. We're volunteers so we don't get paid but we love doing it."


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US Army Prepares For Riot Control – Photos!
April 7th, 2012
(BeforeItsNews) – The following photos are from March and February of this year and were taken at Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Washington. The photos are similar to a collection from May 2010 that depict several National Guard units from different parts of the U.S. quelling protesters in mock communities holding signs that say "Food Now". A description of one of the events was posted to Facebook by the U.S. Army's 5th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment:
The Soldiers in a closed formation bang their batons in cadence against their shields as an angry mob approaches.
"When I initially picked up my shield, the thought of the movie 300 was the first thing that came to mind," said Spc. Kyle Wilhelmi.
Teams of Soldiers assigned to 3rd Squadron, 38th Cavalry Regiment, 201st Battlefield Surveillance Brigade conducted civil disturbance training here March 13. The Soldiers, though not quite Spartans, are effectively training to hold their line and successfully control crowds if called upon for a civil disturbance.
Read more @ publicintelligence.net/u-s-army-domestic-quick-reaction-force-riot-control-training-photos/
Source: Before Its News


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The U.S. Postal Service's largest union, which represents postal clerks, says talks on a new labor contract are not making headway. (File photo / Getty Images)
Labor contract talks between the U.S. Postal Service and its largest union are not at an impasse but they may be heading there.
Cliff Guffey, president of the American Postal Workers Union, said Monday on the union's website that postal executives "seem unwilling to make the commitment necessary to reach a negotiated settlement."
Guffey "summoned" the APWU's Rank and File Bargaining Advisory Committee to Washington for a Tuesday update. No tentative agreement appears imminent, he said.
Following the Postal Service's usual policy, spokesman Mark Saunders declined to comment. "We prefer to negotiate our contract at the table than through the media," he said.
The APWU represents 209,000 clerks, mechanics and other workers. Its four-year contract with the Postal Service was set to expire Nov. 20, but the terms have been repeatedly extended as negotiations continue. At this point, either side can declare an impasse that would result in mediation or binding arbitration, Saunders said.
An APWU spokeswoman could not be reached for comment on whether the union plans to take that step if further talks prove fruitless. An impasse has already been declared in the Postal Service's contract discussions with another union, the National Rural Letter Carriers' Association, whose contract also expired Nov. 20. The NRLCA represents about 115,000 career and non-career employees.
The Postal Service's contracts with its remaining two unions, the National Association of Letter Carriers and the National Postal Mail Handlers Union, expire in November.


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BARKWELL, Ruby Mallory Stone
The Marietta Daily Journal
July 02, 2013 12:05 AM
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BARKWELL, Ruby Mallory Stone
Ruby Mallory Stone Barkwell passed away on Sunday June 30, 2013 at the age of 94. Mrs. Barkwell was born in Chipley, GA, where she lived until her marriage to Neil DeLoss Stone in 1937 when she moved to Canton, GA. In 1944 she joined the many women who worked at Bell Bomber Plant in Marietta, GA building military aircraft for the World War II effort. When the war ended in 1945, she and her husband and 3 young children settled in Smyrna where they lived for 20 years. She married Joe E. Barkwell in 1962 and moved to Austell, GA. She retired from Lockheed Aircraft Co. after 35 years of employment. In 2002 she moved to Ellijay where she lived until her death. She is preceded in death by husband, Joe E. Barkwell, her son, Neil DeLoss Stone, Jr. and her grandson, Jeffrey C. Broom. She is survived by one son, Dennie C. Stone (Jean) of Blairsville, GA one step son, Tony Barkwell (Maryanne) of Cedartown, GA, one daughter, Sharon Stone Broom (Walter), of Ellijay, GA, grandsons, Jeffery Dorris (Dana), Mark Stone. Granddaughters, Laura Stone, Cathy Stone, Denise Jarrett (Skee), Neia Gwaltney (Tom), Malinda Gillespie. Step grand daughters, Janis Ortiz (Alex), Cheryl Morris (Lewis), Teri Sulivan (Mike), Kelly Barkwell and Erin Barkwell and 27 great grandchildren and 14 great great grandchildren. Graveside services will be held Wednesday July 3rd at 3:00pm from the Powder Springs Memorial Garden at 4157 Atlanta Street, Powder Springs GA. with Rev. Joe Conyers officiating. The family will receive friends Wednesday July 3rd from 11:00am until 12:30am at the Bernhardt Funeral Home. Bernhardt Funeral Home in charge of arrangements Online Condolences may be sent to the family at: www.bernhardtfh.com
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Louise M. Sunshine's life has been one of almost epic proportions, an open book whose chapters reveal a woman who has not only overcome many obstacles and challenges, but who has risen to the very highest echelons of the business world while holding firm to her beliefs that living itself should be about fulfillment in the heart, the mind and the home.
Louise's first taste of real estate, design, and advertising was given to her by her grandfather Barney Pressman, the founder of Barneys New York. It took a great deal of determination on her part to discover her own individuality, which she ultimately did when she began studying at the liberal arts college, Brandeis University in Massachusetts, an institution that allowed her to tap into a creativity that would one day enable her to make a true contribution to the way people today live their lives.
Although she wouldn't realize it for some years to come, her studies of the world's great artists, writers and thinkers would ultimately enable Louise to transcend her own daily existence and embrace a world where lifestyles should and could be built to suit.
To prepare herself for taking over her father's commercial property holding companies, she enrolled at New York University and began studying business and real estate. However, when she became a mother of three children, for the first time in her life, she knew exactly who and what she was and she devoted herself to her new family, earning in the process the richest reward she says she's ever gained. She sat on the board of Dalton, her children's school; she was President of the New York University Hospital Ladies Auxiliary and she did book keeping for her husband.
Then, in 1973, Louise was invited to a political luncheon to hear Assemblyman Albert H. Blumenthal speak. His visionary oratory motivated her to volunteer to raise money for the Assemblyman's campaign – a challenge to which she rose to the tune of $250,000 in just a few weeks. Her success led to a request from the newly-elected governor of New York, Hugh L. Carey, to join his finance committee and embark on what would be the first of many groundbreaking endeavors.
Now, for the first time in her career Louise would turn tradition on its head. She instituted a program that changed the face of political fundraising in the state by thinking like the great literary figures she had studied. She was appointed State Treasurer of the Democratic Party, became a Democratic National Committeewoman, a member of the state's Job Development Authority and Vice Chairman of the State Thruway Authority. Yet it was her ability to embrace contributors to the Party that set her apart from her peers, and she developed and maintained relationships with donors whom she intrinsically knew wanted to feel like they were making a difference not only in their own lives but in the lives of others.
One such donor was legendary real estate developer, Donald J. Trump, who saw in Louise an unleashed power to change the way people think and invited her to join his then fledgling empire.
Louise registered as a lobbyist and went to work for Trump in a two-room office on New York's Lexington Avenue. Her first project was to help fulfill the developer's vision of building a convention center on the West Side of the city, and while he had the vision, she had the wherewithal to convince the powers that be of the benefits of the project. It was the first in a succession of successful ventures the pair would bring to fruition that included hotels, apartment buildings, office towers and resorts all over the world.
It was also one of the biggest learning experiences of Louise Sunshine's life and where she honed her own skills in the business of developing, marketing and branding properties - embracing the knowledge the phenomena who would become known simply as 'The Donald' shared - while refining her own innate ability to educate and advise others.
But as she climbed the ladder in a field then dominated by men, there were personal sacrifices to be made and Sunshine's marriage ended in divorce in 1980. She threw herself into raising her children single-handedly while helping build an organization that would become world-renowned in the development and marketing of property branded with the name Trump.
After the extraordinary success of Trump Tower, Louise saw a future for herself in the burgeoning business of predevelopment planning, marketing and new construction sales. Her passion for art and design coupled with her altruistic desire to make a difference in people's lives compelled her to start her own firm marketing luxury condominiums in New York City.
She hit the ground running with the launch of The Sunshine Group in 1986 when she copyrighted the phrase "All Square Feet Are Not Created Equal," and, once again, set about redefining the way people thought about how they live their daily lives. Louise was hailed as a branding genius as she built her business to an $8 billion machine that pulled the home sales industry into a new realm where pioneering digital technology and computer simulations could give people an insight to not only where they could live, but how they could live.
Her unique understanding of the interplay between the complexities of the marketplace and the rigors of the development process made her the number one choice of the world's leading developers. Her own advocacy of the role distinguished architecture and art have in the process of home building led her to work with some of the most renowned architects of the day - Frank Gehry, Richard Meier, Robert Stern, Cesar Pelli, Philip Johnson, Charles Gwathmey, Jean Nouvel, Jacques Herzog, and Pierre de Mueron to name just some – and she worked tirelessly with important galleries as she demonstrated to others who would soon follow that great homes live with great art.
From her base in New York City, Louise Sunshine's name became synonymous with some of America's most exclusive homes, from Palm Beach to Las Vegas, Connecticut to California, as she cultivated the style and glamour that brought luxury living to the mainstream. Almost overnight, the international media began to sit up and take notice and the backroom brains that conceived and executed strategies for selling a lifestyle, not just a home, were suddenly de rigueur.
Louise also grew to become a legendary teacher to those around her, the young men and women in whom she had seen some of that passion for life and living on which she herself has thrived. She began building what she calls her true legacy by cultivating the talent around her and mentoring protégés who would go on to make their own mark in the world. As she herself put it, "The greatest thing someone can do is pass on their knowledge, inspiration and talent to other people and allow them to grow."
At the height of The Sunshine Group's success, Louise was courted by NRT, Inc., a subsidiary of the Cendant Corporation, what was then America's biggest residential real estate company. She saw an opportunity to take her firm to the global level using the resources of a worldwide conglomerate to leverage her own knowledge and, in June 2002, she sold her firm to NRT, Inc. remaining as Chairman and CEO.
Then, in 2005, the group was merged with another Cendant subsidiary, the New York based residential behemoth, The Corcoran Group, a company founded by another woman hailed as a visionary in her field, Barbara Corcoran. Louise was named Chairman Emeritus of the Corcoran Sunshine Marketing Group and, while continuing to steer her company as it developed new and innovative marketing techniques, acted as senior advisor to President and CEO Pamela Liebman.
The merger would produce the powerhouse of 21st century residential real estate that annually propelled $5 billion worth of bricks and mortar into the arena of luxury lifestyles and leave no one in any doubt that Louise Sunshine was indeed a legend in her time.
Yet despite her unparalleled success, Louise continued to be driven by a desire to do more. "That's what drives me," she once said. "When I get up in the morning, I don't think of myself as successful. I always think I can be better, do better." As so it was that, in the summer of 2006, Louise parted ways with the Corcoran Sunshine Marketing Group to embark on what she calls her third career.
Today, Sunshine has formed LMS Consulting LLC. LMS Consulting LLC provides global real estate solutions bringing the top real estate minds to the world's iconic residential, mixed-use and resort development projects with the strongest potential for profit, growth and recognition. Working from inception, pre-development, or at any point in the development process LMS Consulting LLC conceives the brand, marketing, design and sales infrastructure necessary to create value and sell the world's leading properties.
Louise Sunshine's own lifetime of experiences has positioned her to tap into what she sees as an underserved market, one where luxury is not just a commodity but a necessity, where personal fulfillment and professional accomplishment fuse to create what can only be described as an epic lifestyle that grows from a single grain of sand to one person's true vision of their life.
Her mission now is to use her knowledge to impact people in the most profound way, the way they live.
Website design by Sam Sunshine


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The Business and Licensing Section provides legal counsel, advice and litigation services to several state agencies including the Department of Regulatory Agencies (DORA), the Department of Agriculture, the Independent Ethics Commission, and the State Personnel Board. The Section supports each client entity in furthering their mission through enforcement with the various regulatory laws by prosecuting disciplinary actions against licensed professionals, by representing the programs in licensure denial actions, by litigating civil enforcement and subpoena enforcement actions, and by litigating injunctive actions. In addition to prosecuting individual cases, the attorneys provide general counsel advice regarding legislative matters, rulemaking and case analysis.
DORA houses several divisions represented by Business and Licensing Assistant Attorneys General. These include the Division of Banking, the Division of Financial Services, the Division of Insurance, the Division of Real Estate, the Division of Professions and Occupations and the Division of Securities.
Section Assistant Attorneys General provides general and litigation counsel to the Colorado Department of Agriculture and the Commissioner of Agriculture including: the Animals Division, the Colorado State Board of Livestock Inspection, the Conservation Services Division, the Inspection and Consumer Services Division, the Plants Division, the Markets Division, the Colorado State Fair and several other marketing-related boards associated with the department.
Additionally, Section Assistant Attorneys General represent certain client agencies as conflicts counsel. These include: the Mined Land Reclamation Board, the Civil Rights Commission, the State Personnel Board, and the Board of Assessment Appeals and the Property Tax Administrator within the Department of Local Affairs.