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I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I have a surprise for you guys
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Do you know how to give stiches?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
this study room smells like vodka
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.


text:
WAYNESBORO >> Gigantic stars and stripes waved over hundreds of people celebrating the Fourth of July with food, fun and friends at a craft show in Waynesboro on Friday.
It was part of the Waynesboro Jubilee, the town's annual celebration of America's independence.
It seemed that for most people, browsing the tents of crafts, playing games and doing other activities came second to catching up with friends and being part of the community.
"I like to come out and see the community," said Tammy Wagaman, Waynesboro. "And listen to music and get good food."
George and Lori Brent, Waynesboro, said they were looking forward to seeing who they would run into. Nearby, Bryan Hartley said he was planning to "take pictures, lots of pictures," with friends he hoped to run into.
"I love it," said first-timer Heather Griffith, who was in Waynesboro with her husband Rich and daughter Kaitlyn visiting Wagaman, her mother-in-law. The first thing she did upon arriving was grab a pretzel, she said.
All of the food vendors lined either side of what became a grassy aisle on the western edge of the craft show property. People at the end of lines sometimes found themselves standing next to someone waiting at a vendor on the other side.
One woman said she was looking forward to a big bag of cotton candy; Harry Myers was anticipating a hot sausage sandwich; Griffith's 7-year-old daughter was slurping down ice cream; Hartley, his wife Jennifer and their 2-year-old daughter Marissa, sat on the grass while they shared cheese fries.
Many people at the afternoon craft show made their way there from the parade that took up the last hours of the morning. They were among hundreds of people who lined Main Street to watch dancers, floats, rescue vehicles and other acts make their way east.
About 46 groups were in the parade, said Sandy Woodring, wife of the president of Brothers of the Brush, the organizer and sponsor of the parade.
Acts put on their main performances once they entered the square; "Shriners" drove in circles and beeped their horns, couples of all ages swing danced, youth twirled and tossed batons, and groups on flatbed trucks waved and threw candy. Rescue vehicles were checked for general appearance inside and out.
Each entry was judged. The results were, in order from first to third place for each category: Organizations -- Grid Tractor Club, Franklin County Shrine Club, Pen Mar Little League; majorettes – Spinning Illusions, Superstar Twirlers, Renegades; individuals – Pete Seville, Bryan Myers; ambulance – Mont Alto Ambulance 5, Blue Ridge Ambulance 4-7, Smithsburg Ambulance 79; fire company – Metal Township Fire and Ambulance No. 21, Leitersburg Volunteer Fire Company No. 9, Blue Ridge Summit Rescue Engine No. 6.
Asked what their favorite act was, the "Shriners" in their tiny cars was the most popular answer.
Earlier in the morning, the Brents watched as their 37-year-old son ran the Firecracker 5K in 20 minutes and 19 seconds to claim second place. There was also a 1-mile Fun Run for kids, a reading of the Declaration of Independence, and in the afternoon, a Wacky Wizard Magic Show, patriotic folk music by Ray Owen and contemporary country by the Jeremy Straus Band, a performance by the Waynesboro Children's Troupe, and a hot-dog eating contest.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Bismuth, a metallic chemical element. It is brittle, has a high luster, and is grayish-white with a red or pink tinge. Bismuth is relatively inactive chemically at normal temperatures, but when heated in air it will burn. It is soluble in strong acids such as aqua regia and nitric acid. Bismuth combines directly with fluorine and the other halogen elements, as well as with sulfur and selenium.
Bismuth has some unusual physical properties. It is one of only two elements (gallium is the other) that expand upon solidifying. Except for mercury, bismuth is the poorest heat conductor of all the metals. Bismuth's electrical resistance increases in a magnetic field. This property is greater in bismuth than in any other metal.
Bismuth is used chiefly to make low-melting-point alloys known as fusible alloys, many of which melt at temperatures below 212 F. (100 C.). These alloys are used in electrical fuses and water-heater safety valves, and also in fire detectors and automatic sprinkler systems. Bismuth is sometimes added to alloys of iron, steel, and aluminum to improve the machining qualities of these alloys. Other uses of bismuth are in drugs, cosmetics, glass, and ceramics.
Bismuth occurs in nature as a free metal, but is more common in ores that contain other elements. The principal ores are bismite (Bi2O3) and bismuthinite (Bi2S3). Most bismuth is recovered as a by-product from the mining of lead, copper, tin, and zinc. The leading producers of bismuth are China, Mexico, Peru, Australia, and Japan.
Bismuth in impure form was known to the alchemists of the Middle Ages, but it was usually thought to be a form of tin or lead. It was first identified as a separate element in 1753 by Claude Franois Geoffroy, a French chemist.
Symbol: Bi. Atomic number: 83. Atomic weight: 208.9804. Specific gravity: 9.8. Melting point: 520.34 F. (271.3 C.). Boiling point: 2,840 F. (1,560 C.). Bismuth belongs to Group VA of the Periodic Table and may have a valence of +3 or +5. Several radioactive isotopes of bismuth are known. Only one isotope, Bi-209, is stable.


text:
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