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Sep 21 2010
On Missing Out
Of all the questions I get as a homeschool alumni, I think that the most popular one is whether I thought I "missed out."
Now I've given my fair share of facetious answers to this over the years, but I do actually feel that it's an extremely important question, and not one that's really limited to homeschoolers. My husband attended a private, all boys Catholic High School and he frequently gets asked the same thing.
Truth be told, my answer to this has changed since I've gotten older. Had you asked me this at the ripe old age of 16, I would have said "Yes!" Granted, that was probably my bitterness on missing out on prom speaking. The lovely guy I was dating at the time had already asked a girl friend to go prior to us meeting and he didn't want to be rude and leave her dateless. No wonder I liked him.
But even though I was exposed to my fair share of *high school social "normalcy" through a very active church youth group, orchestra, and ballet, I did still long for what all the kids were talking about, even though I'm not even sure exactly what that was. And really, I was getting most of it, just in smaller doses.
Keep in mind that by the time my brother hit high school (about a few years after I did), they had homeschool proms, co-operative programs, and so on, but in my own case, I was completely surrounded by kids entrenched in school culture and it was quite challenging.
It actually never really bothered me until I got to college and found myself in the midst of new people with the initial shared experience of high school that I didn't have.
However, one semester at a small college is very much like high school, and after my first fall term, I felt completely oriented to high school dynamics – probably more than I needed. And while I didn't have the commonality of the high school culture, I found connections through my interests and skills, like music and theater, that served as bridges for friendships.
Of course, if you asked me now, I'd say I didn't miss anything. It probably helped that I took a long term substitute teaching position at a high school a few years after I graduated from college and suddenly realized "this is what I thought I was missing?" And over time, high school, for many people, becomes a very small part of their overall world view. It's no longer the tie that binds.
I do, however, feel as though some of the experiences afforded in high school are valuable, and I think it's fair that kids will deem them as important. We, as parents, can down play the value of the now very small and insignificant rites of passage because we know better. I mean, a homecoming dance is barely memorable now, but for kids in the midst of it all, it's a completely different story.
Obviously, this doesn't mean I believe kids necessarily need to go to high school. But I do think it's important to address these issues (and I know many homeschool high school parents already do):
– Provide your kids with a means to connect in various groups, with both kids in school as well as other home school kids. It's so much easier now to find these opportunities, which is always a plus. But school, along with other groups, is a culture, and so a good multi-cultural education will include those experiences too;
– Allow them to develop skills and interests beyond academics that will provide them with a way to connect past the shared experience of school. This is really what helped me transition smoothly.
– Always consider your kid's personality. Whereas I was a huge fan of dances, spirit nights, and all that business, my brother could have cared less. I think it's great to offer what you deem appropriate for your kids and then allow them to decide, rather than just assuming that they wouldn't be interested.
As we all know, school isn't just about learning, but I also believe that it's not the only place where kids can experience those social rites of passage. The challenge as homeschool parents is providing those for them and/or seeking them out.
And if your kids do end up feeling as though they "missed out," they can always **live vicariously through their own kids.
*I put normalcy in quotations because it's a very subjective word.
**Just kidding. Sort of.
Kristen Chase is a mom of 3 (almost 4!), writer, and co-publisher of Cool Mom Picks, a popular shopping and trendspotting blog for moms. She's a 2nd generation homeschooler, having been taught middle and high school by her own mother back when people were still using quills and ink wells, and is now a very well-adjusted and socialized homeschool mom herself.
99 Comments and 66 Replies
Limey On Tuesday, September 21 at 5:14 am
As a possible future teacher I have always wondered about homeschooled children missing out. I know there are so many resources and groups out there for them to socialize, but I have to wonder if the school setting exposes them to more types of people and broadens their horizons. I think blogs like this are really dispelling myths and educating the educators about homeschooling
Gypsy Electra On Tuesday, September 21 at 11:35 am
Actually, it's possible for a homeschool setting to expose kids to more different types of people and broaden their horizons in appropriate and interesting ways. There is so much more flexibility and time available when you homeschool.
Yara On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:34 pm
school settings expose kids to LESS types of people! You spend all day with people your own age, who usually only know the same things you do, do the same things you do… what value is there in that, really?
Homeschool kids are easily able to meet and spend time with more types of people, of all ages; from very young to old, people from all walks of life!
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:26 pm
I agree with the others… a regular school setting would expose kids to way less variety then a homeschool setting. In regular school it's just kids your own age, unless it's a Montessori or Waldorf school or something where there are mixed age classes. Even then what about interacting with people more then a couple years older or younger then you? That's not going to be happening much in a typical school.
Mary C. On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:39 pm
Yara — Well said!
Limey On Monday, September 27 at 1:17 pm
You all make good points. I suppose I need to be a bit more open-minded about homeschooling!
Sarah L On Tuesday, November 30 at 9:59 am
Limey, I think you're on the right track here. I am in my first year of homeschooling after being adamantly opposed to it for years. (Maybe I should clarify – I wasn't opposed to the practice of homeschooling, I was just absolutely certain that I could never be a homeschooling parent.) What got me here was hanging out with homeschooling families and simply listening to what they had to say. I also listened to what public- and private-schooling families had to say. I tried to hear it all with an open mind, take it in, and consider the merits and the faults of what was being claimed. In the end, I came to a decision that I felt good about. I was amazed at how many myths there are about homeschooling, homeschool families, and homeschool students. There is something My best advice is to listen with an open mind, which seems like what you are already doing!
Tabitha (FromSingletoMarried) On Tuesday, September 21 at 5:16 am
Very interesting perspective – it's nice to hear from someone who's been through it (as a student) and grown up to be "normal." Thanks for the insight!
quinn On Tuesday, September 21 at 5:24 am
Something else to consider: for some children, the social minefield of "normal" high school is be a brutally painful experience that can only be endured, day after day.
Kathleen On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:32 am
I have to agree with you, quinn. There are also those who had the time of their lives in high school only to grow up and find out that the real world doesn't care how popular they were, how good their grades were or whether they made the varsity team or not. Many never seem to be able to let either scenario go.
I think you were lucky, Kristen, that you were able to be taught at home in a warm, secure environment and still come out to socialize, but not be stuck in teenage drama while you were trying to get an education. I can't imagine you're any less well-adjusted or socialized than anyone I went to high school with! You seem to be able to spell too, which is more than I can say for a lot of 'normal' high school students.
Cassandra On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:44 am
YES! I went to high school for 9th grade and by the time I started 10th, I wanted out in the worst way. There is not one single thing I ever liked about high school, not one. There is no way anyone can tell me I was missing out on ANYTHING!
Jenn On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:40 pm
Absolutely. There have been MANY students that I have recommended take the GED and go on with their lives. For some kids high school is torture, and I'm glad there are alternatives for those students.
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:27 pm
YES. Just another reason to homeschool.
Leah On Wednesday, September 22 at 6:24 am
Gosh, Kathleen – you can support homeschooling without bashing those who choose another route. I can spell, as can both of my sons. My oldest is in medical school and my youngest is in his senior year of college, neither missed a semester on the Deans List. They are kind, generous, intelligent and talented. They understand that people can choose different paths and everyone involved can achieve success. They are well-traveled and comfortable that they can handle nearly any situation. And they (gasp) went to public high school and even (double gasp) played varsity sports. I don't knock any parent who chooses to home school. I figure that it's a personal choice and made for any number of reasons. I'm a librarian and I can tell you that I see kids from both sides of the educational fence. There are bright and dim bulbs of both types. There are sweet, motivated, and interesting kids of both types. There are socially inept and socially savvy kids of both types. One is not better than the other. I help a lot of kids with research papers and believe it or not, I've even met some home schoolers who don't spell well. There's no need to insult one set of kids in order to praise another.
Kathleen On Wednesday, September 22 at 9:31 am
I said most, not all. If it doesn't apply to you or people you know, then of course you should be able to ignore it.
Leah On Wednesday, September 22 at 3:50 pm
You're right, I'll just ignore it since you're probably not an expert on "most" students.
Kathleen On Friday, October 8 at 9:30 am
The U.S. is known the world over for having a problem with educating our kids well. So it's not just my opinion. Your kids are surely smart enough so just relax.
Lisa@Advent's Adventures On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:28 am
As a High School and middle school home school mom….((easy for you to say)), . . I worry about these things often. Being a public school graduate in S.C. let me tell you I'm not to impressed! This is one of the many reasons we have stuck to our home school guns. You bring up a tricky question! What is best for the kids? For the family? To me and my husband there are so many high school factors we want to avoid. The biggest being sex and drugs. We feel if we can give them the courage and the confidence to say no now they will have the wings to fly when it really counts. Gee, I hope this strategy works!!!
Kristine On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:32 am
Suzanne @ Window On The Prairie On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:48 am
I was painfully shy in school and so was picked on from time to time. It would have been nice to "miss out"on that. http://windowontheprairie.com/ Suzanne
MJB On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:51 am
It's been eye-opening for me (as a public school mom) to read this blog. I have judged homeschooling primarily on the two homeschooled kids down the block. Let's just say, we've had issues with rock throwing, hitting, threatening to blow our house up, and other less-than-desirable social behaviors. This blog let's me see the positive side of homeschooling.
Nicole On Tuesday, September 21 at 5:59 pm
As a homeschooler myself I have met my fair share of weird homeschoolers. Just try to remember, they probably would have been anyway even if they had gone to public school.
Sherri On Friday, September 24 at 10:44 pm
You wouldn't happen to be in Pell City,AL would you? I know a homeschooling family (we home school as well) that lives right down the road from us that acts like that portray themselves to be the victims and it's everyone else doing things to them.Just the reason they were taken out of public school.I'm sure the school system was glad to see them go….
Karen On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:55 am
I attended a public school through grade 8, and then transferred to an all-girfs' Catholic high school. One of my friends thought I was crazy, but actually, it was a relief. I was removed from all the negative socializing, the worrying about having a boyfriend, the everpresent teasing from boys if they thought one was ugly. I LOVED high school. I hated junior high. Like Suzanne at comment 5, I was happy to "miss out" on those things.
At the same time, there were plenty of opportunities to socialize. There was our "brother" school, an all boys' high school down the road, where we could participate in band, they came to our school for art classes, and I even rode the bus with boys from that school. I don't feel like I missed out, rather, the socializing didn't interfere with class time.
It's funny, but my oldest boy is ten and he's already had to tell people (who comment on his looks and say he'll break some hearts, et cetera) that he's "not ready to think about that. Maybe when I'm a teenager or something." But then he'll tell me, "I don't think I should date until I'm ready to marry somebody, it wouldn't be fair to them." I think he's got it!
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:29 pm
That is too cute – your boy is mature beyond his years! I think that's a sign of good mothering!
AGinTO On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:05 am
I loved high school! But then again, I'm pretty agreable and "love" a lot of things. LOL. I am one of six kids, and was the only athlete. Which just seems weird to me. So that would have been the only thing I missed if I was homeschooled… but then again, my parents could have just put me in organized sports leagues outside of the school.
I think you're right…if parent's are involved in the community and in the programs that are available then homeschooled kids will never truly "miss out".
Tasha On Friday, September 24 at 7:00 pm
If your parents were homeschooling now, they would have been able to find lots of sports opportunities. I homeschool my daughters (8 and 6 years). The oldest is an athlete too. She participates in club/competitive soccer and gymnastics through the community. She has also taken classes from a small company that travels to local parks and teaches 4 week skills units in all the team sports, specifically geared to homeschooled students.
Lots of companies have noticed that homeschoolers are willing to take classes from 1-3pm, and realize that it's great additional revenue stream, serving that hs kids in the early afternoon and schooled kids in the later afternoon.
WebSavvyMom On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:12 am
–>I had a great high school experience at a small private school but everyone's experiences are different. I would never want to repeat junior high. *shudders*
PrayerPoseMom On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:19 am
Thanks, Kristen, for an excellent (and affirming) post! I'm in the middle of my 16th year homeschooling my kids, and we've tried to do exactly what you've suggested, which is to get them involved in all sorts of other activities that help them pursue their passions. I hope that my kids will have the same perspective years from now as you do.
Kristen Chase On Wednesday, September 22 at 3:32 pm
Thanks so great – appreciate you sharing this. And congrats on 16 years!
jmk On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:31 am
My daughter homeschooled part of high school. I think that you can't miss what you don't know. My daughter said she didn't miss the bad parts of high school (bad teachers, mean kids, etc), but she missed being part of things (school play, assemblies, committees, etc.). Her homeschool activities were fun, but they didn't feel like school activities. She graduated last year on a home school diploma, and has moved into the dorms at college, and she's joined a bunch of activities to make up for it. It's a tradeoff, and she chose to remain homeschooled.
I Live in an Antbed On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:38 am
Very interesting points. Love the matter-of-fact treatment of a topic that can get very emotional for some people. Things have changed dramatically from the inception of the homeschooling movement, as we know it. There are many more choices now than when we started this journey so long ago. The challenge now is to pick wisely which extra activities we include. There is a balance to be sought between truly enriching their lives, which is the goal, and being busy just to be busy. It can be very tempting to add too much out of a desire to somehow justify our homeschooling choice. We have our children choose one thing, while they are young, so that they can focus on doing that well. Also, everything we add to a child's schedule is a choice that affects the schedule of the entire family. So, not only do we have to ask what is best for each child, but the family as a whole. Thanks for a very insightful article.
Jennie On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:39 am
When we homeschooled I often heard the "what about the prom?" question. I went to two proms in high school and have very little memory of either, not because I was chemically altered, just because it really wasn't my idea of great fun. I did it because everyone else was doing it. In school we spend an awful lot of time doing things because everyone else is doing them. I wonder what I would have chosen to do that might have fed me and my future in a better way.
The thing I heard that really took me back was "How will they learn to stand in line?!" My kids went everywhere with me and stood in many many lines at the grocery store where no one pushed or cut in line or had to stand with their friend or made a big stink over who was first (most of the time I thought, what better place to learn to stand in line than in lines out in the world where people were appropriately standing in line?
So many things that we think are "normal" about a school atmosphere don't even occur in the world outside of an institutional school. There's almost no other time in our lives that we sit in a room of people our exact age, listening to someone telling us to all do the exact thing, the exact way. I think it's fine to do something different. It may scare others but they'll get used to it eventually.
Jessica Nunemaker On Wednesday, September 22 at 8:20 am
Jennie — I love your comment!
We've been talking about homeschool (something we never would have considered when I was preggo with Kid #1) but things have changed.
We've been worrying about the things Kid #1 (kid #2 is just a baby) might miss out on, but you are absolutely right — it is the only time in your life where you are supposed to be and do and think just like everybody else. Where is the value in that?
I had teachers in high school that would give all the athletes an "A" for the day. I once stood up and stated that I had been in a play the night before — where was my A? He laughed.
Or seeing the same kids get picked on in elementary school and feeling like there's nothing you can do about it (especially when a few of the kids were also picked on by teachers).
Homeschool might scare others but it also scares me a little — I don't want to mess this one up! We've already decided to just do it but we alternate between confidence and panic about our decision.
Anyway, you've given me something to mull over — and it helps.
Jennie On Thursday, September 23 at 8:43 pm
One thing my mother said to me once when I was deciding whether to put my kids into school after homeschooling them for years (and I was in a panic over that too) was that it didn't have to be the final decision, we could change our mind if the time came. That gave me a lot of relief. I think we feel this decision is so huge because it goes against pretty much everything we knew growing up but more and more it's just becoming a part of the choices parents make and it may be right for a while and then change.
Also your gym story reminded me of mine. I was a good athlete and the female gym teachers, who were intimidating and clique-ish themselves, asked me to play field hockey on their team and I refused because I had bad knees and didn't want to be hurt for track. That quarter I received my one and only C in gym class ever. I was not the only one they manipulated and even hurt. I was shocked by my oldest's stories of teachers hurting kids, coaches manipulating athletes in the classroom and on the fields. My parents were teachers, I respect the position and many of them, but I never feel the blanket "Teachers are great!" sentiment. Perhaps that started in high school when a teacher overheard me being tutored in math and said, "Jennie, if you were as tall as you are dumb you'd have to sleep in a bowling alley." I was shamed and he may have meant it jokingly but I've remembered the scene for 30 years. Teachers are people.
That said I just got back from my third grader's back to school night and really loved his teacher!!
I loved your site, my husband's from Indiana.
spock & yoda On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:50 am
I also love that homeschooling give me the opportunity to socialize with my children and vice versa. A point that I feel is often overlooked. Teaching children to socialize well with those outside their age group is also an extremely valuable skill, as most of my closet friends now are years older and younger than me.
The public school room setting is a fairly new system and saying it's the only right choice is like saying everyone should all be employed in one type of job because it would offer the only and best benefits. There is no one-size-fits-all-approach that really, truly works. They both have advantages and disadvantages and I agree that it should be decided on a per child basis!
Ginger On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:29 am
I think this article is very well written and states your position clearly, but the disturbing statement is about how people can "live vicariously through their own kids" if they feel as though they missed out on something by being homeschooled. This is my major pet peeve with many parents now. You had your chance. You lived your childhood. Now, let your child have his/her own childhood without feeling pressure to do and/or be things that you didn't have the chance to do/be yourself. Encourage your children to find who they are, not who they think you want them to be. Living vicariously through your children will only result in them being unhappy and resentful. You think I'm making things up? I know from experience. I implore parents, let your children have THEIR childhood.
Danielle On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:14 pm
I think she was being sarcastic or making a joke when she said that part. I hope.
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:32 pm
I agree with you and I think she was being sarcastic, or didn't mean it the way it came across.
Kristen Chase On Wednesday, September 22 at 3:28 pm
Yes! Of course – hence the ** – thanks for clearing that up, ladies!
Kadee On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:31 am
I went to a smallish private school, and at the time, I loved it. Looking back 20+ years later, it was not that fun. I lost touch with everyone over the years, that is, until Facebook came along. It has been nice to reconnect with some old friends, but I still don't miss high school, and really could have done without some of those "rites of passage." I think my feelings have something to do with my personality, though.
Michelle Nichols On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:42 am
Sometimes I wish I could have "missed out". Middle School and High School were no fun for me.
Clara-Leigh Evans On Saturday, January 1 at 8:38 am
Hi Michelle!!
I have to agree totally!!!
VickiF On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:53 am
( I think " facetious" is not spelled right.)
a chris On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:18 am
Yep. I was starting to think of facetious comments to make.
Amanda On Wednesday, September 22 at 10:52 am
Agreed. I was wondering if people had pointed this out yet.
mom101 On Saturday, September 25 at 6:06 pm
There's an extra ti in there. meaning there's a "titi" in there. If you know Kristen…well then that all makes sense from a Freudian perspective.
Or more likely it's a typo. But I like my theory better.
Emily On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:04 am
I too am a homeschool alumni, and I begged my mother to let me go to public school. I am SO glad she said no all those years! After graduating homeschool at the ripe old age of 16, I wasn't sure yet what I wanted to do with my life, so I decided to finally give public school a shot, and I went through grade 12 at my local highschool. While I think the experience was valuable, it's more because it opened my eyes to the fact that I really HADN'T missed anything. I don't think it prepared me any better for university, but if anything it provides me with fuel to reassure my own children that they aren't missing anything. Not that they'll listen, I never listened to my public-schooled mother, but it's reassuring for me to know more fully that I'm making the right choice keeping them at home.
Paula B.D. On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:09 am
Enjoyed reading your posting and as a retired high school teacher I think you have done a great job addressing the needs of the home schooled student. While I do feel that there really isn't anything that can replicate the actual experience, and I do feel it is a valuable and important "rite of passage", you certainly show specific examples of how the benefits of the high school experience can be recreated elsewhere. I also am pleased to see that you acknowledge to some degree that there were times ( and things) that you felt you missed out on. So often I ony read of the negative effects,especially of a public school education! I am proud of my career and of being the third generation of my family to teach yet I realize that today there are a variety of effective options for educating everyone.
Abigail Prescott On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:13 am
My experiences were very similar. It's nice to gain enough maturity to realize how little I missed that was actually worthwhile. Taking "concurrent enrollment" classes at a community college was immensely helpful in preparing me for my transition to college, though.
Thanks for your perspective and great suggestions!
Nicole On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:14 am
I have really been enjoying reading the posts and comments about why people choose to homeschool, what are the major challenges, and what are the major "myths" or misconceptions about it. My kids are 2 years old and 7 months old, and we plan on homeschooling them, but letting them go to public school if they ever want to. Some things that I think directly relate to these topics that haven't really been touched on are why the institution of public school exists, what people did before it, and how it became the "norm".
It's been around for about 100 years, right? And public schools have evolved to include much, much, more than they first did and and help children grow up into adults which can benefit society. And it's still changing, as society changes.
The very nature of children requires that someone has to take care of them and teach them how to take care of themselves until they reach an age where they can do that themselves. Parents bear the burden of that responsibility – but I think the public school has taken over this job, in a very large sense, considering that many kids spend around 6 hours in public school a day, 5 days a week, 30 – 40 weeks a year, with a curriculum that covers everything from physical exercise to math to history to music to"safe sex" and everything in between.
Has anybody else ever thought about it from this perspective?
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:36 pm
I've thought about it this way too. I think the school system has taken over a lot of the parents responsibilities, especially in the early years. So not okay with that.
Karen On Wednesday, September 22 at 8:40 am
Yes, this is why we homeschool. We see having children as a privilege AND a responsibility. We are the primary educators of our children, and it seemed odd to us to take that role on for the first five years (or so) of their lives and then turn them over to somebody else.
We decided on homeschooling when our firstborn was an infant. My mother's response, when I mentioned it, was: "You'll want a break from him when he turns six." This is basically admitting that a public school is the equivalent of a day care! And she was a public school teacher.
What we're teaching our children, when we rely on the school system to take care of them for eight hours a day, is that our responsiblities–our most important responsibilities–can be handed over to somebody else.
I acknowledge that there are families where both parents must work full time to keep the family fed, housed and provided for. For such families, I think the schools are a good safety net, of sorts. I'm not for abolishing the school system. I think it became the standard during and after World War II, when a lot of moms entered the workforce while dads were off at war. I think the schools are a good resource for a lot of families.
But what kind of a society would it be if–just imagine–homeschooling were the norm, and we had lots of support from the school system, which existed to help out those dual-income families who can't make it any other way? What if families looked at their budgets, acknowledged that the second income was going to luxuries, and took on the mantle of homeschooling? I think it would be pretty cool.
Ginger-Schminger On Wednesday, September 22 at 11:13 am
The only way a public school system can take over the parenting responsibilities is if we, as parents, allow them to.
Annie On Wednesday, September 22 at 12:43 pm
The public school system IS taking over parenting responsibilities by caring for and educating children. Especially since that are allowing less, and in some cases demanding less parental involvement. They do not want parents to tell them what they can or cannot teach their children. For example, sex education is being mandated for younger and younger children, and parents are being told that they may not tell the school that their child may not participate. How is that letting the school take over? Also, I have a friend who was told when her son entered middle school, that she was to drop him off and pick him up. That there was no opportunity to be involved with his education once he entered the building.
I Live in an Antbed On Wednesday, September 22 at 3:04 pm
Absolutely!! As parents have abdicated responsibility, the government has attempted to fill in the gaps. Somewhere the balance tipped so that now the government believes they have the right to claim their "experts" know what is best for our children. That is NOT okay. The government can't know what is best for each individual child. That is why God gave them to parents. Obviously there are parents who don't want to fulfill their responsibilities to their children, but the rights of parents, in general, should not be eroded because of that. There is a real threat to our parental rights right now that most people are not aware of. I encourage everyone to learn about the proposed Constitutional Amendment to protect the rights of parents from a tendency by our government to overstep its bounds. (http://www.parentalrights.org/)
Cathy On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:22 am
Thanks for this post. I went through public school high school. I guess at best I tolerated it, because I had no choice. I am now homeschooling my three children. The only thing I hate for them to miss from a school setting will be some of the wonderful teachers that are out there. For instance, I had a great math teacher, who really made upper level math fun and challenging. For my kids there's just me! I don't worry about them missing any of the social or sports aspects of high school. Nothing there to miss, in my opinion.
Kristin On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:26 am
Thanks so much for writing this! I really appreciate your perspective. I went to public school, but now homeschool our kids and giving them access to a variety of social opportunities has proven a challenge for me; not impossible, just hard work. We've moved twice in the past year, so that's a bonus obstacle! You've definitely inspired me to give it extra effort! ~K
Mallory Marsico On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:35 am
Yesterday, I had a screaming argument with my over bearing bully of a father in law about homeschooling our 4 year old. (And no, my son was not there to witness the argument, thankfully). He picked on several issues to bully me on, but one that stuck out was that my son would be "missing out" on the high school experience that he claims is "absolutely necessary to make a well-rounded adult".
I'm not a fighter and don't do well in arguments (he's bullied his entire family into meek little yes-men but let me tell you – he isn't doing that to me! I do have the courage to stand up to him, even if I can't throw them fightin' words out =) ) but I stammered out that the "high school experience" is not necessary anymore and that my son (who's only 4, mind you!) will be absolutely fine. I wish I had this article yesterday to buff up my side.
I've been reading 'The Well Trained Mind' and it has truly made me feel better about homeschooling. But they discuss high school and the "experience" in great detail and they agree – provide the child with many opportunities and many activities, and they come out perfectly fine – if not *more* well rounded than the average child.
I gotta ask, though….is anyone else tired of having to support and defend your homeschooling decision? Does it get easier as you move on? We feel like whenever someone finds out that we're choosing this, we then have people immediately ridiculing us and demanding & pushing for us not to do this. It isn't any of their business, we know….but we have ZERO support from friends and family. None. And it's so much harder when the only person who thinks you can do this is your spouse. My in-laws have actually told me that they "look forward to seeing >me< fail at this pathetic attempt to shield yourself and your child from people".
Clayvessel On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:47 pm
Oh my. I'm so sorry you not only don't have support from those that are supposed to love you and yours the best, but that they are causing you grief and stress.
It will get easier over time as your child grows and matures and friends and family can readily see how perfectly well-adjusted he is socially and academically. You can get involved with other homeschoolers and make new friends so that you do have a support system. Don't feel that you have to defend yourself since your parenting decisions are your right just as theirs are for them. Do your best job and the actions will speak louder then words.
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:42 pm
I think the key is not to be defensive. Being defensive makes you look week and invites more argument. If you are secure in your beliefs, like you're stating here, just say what you believe and leave it at that – no invitation to discuss it further. People will always have negative things to say about it for the most part, but it's just because most people aren't used to it as a valid option for an education yet. I think trying to change their minds is futile, the best thing you can do is stick to your guns and have your life speak for itself. Your son will grow up to be great and well adjusted, and then they'll have to eat their words.
Maybe it would be a good idea to get in touch with another homeschool group or family locally or even online to get some support so you don't feel so alone in this. Having zero support could really drag you down and discourage you when times get tough and you feel like caving in.
If your inlaws think you are doing this to shield you and your child from people then I don't think they understand what the purpose of homeschooling is. Plus, protecting your child from harm isn't a bad thing. People love to throw around the "But you are over protecting your child!". Your answer should be: "Yeah! So….?" You have every right to protect your child! I talked to a professional counselor with this because my inlaws are the same way, she said there is absolutely nothing wrong with protecting your child… and remember, he's only 4! He's not 18 yet! If you won't leave your 18 yr old leave the house of course that's a problem, but you are only protecting your young 4 yr old child and there's nothing wrong with that.
Fairly Odd Mother On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:58 pm
Wow, Mallory, that sounds terrible! I'm sorry you have such little support (though if your spouse is behind you, that's great).
The only thing I can say is that your child will likely continue to grow to be articulate, funny, sweet and "well socialized" (whatever that means!). And he will prove that a child does not need to spend hours in a classroom to thrive.
I would tell your father and your inlaws that they had their chance to raise children but that it is your turn now and how you choose to school your child is really not their business.
One other thing: When people ask me if I plan to do this through high school, I tell them that I take one year at a time. Not because I'm wishy-washy, but because I do want to reevaluate things to make sure we've made the right choice. If you adopt this approach, your father can chill out for the next 10-12 years before you decide on high school (and at the very least, you can get some peace)!
Good luck!
Leigh T. On Wednesday, September 22 at 7:47 am
Hey Mallory,
I just wanted to encourage you, girl. If you feel like what you've chosen for your son is right, you can listen to others, thank them for their insights and move on. If they shout, it's their issue. Not yours.
This comes easier with time and age. You will need to keep a list (for yourself, for the harder days) that reminds you why you're homeschooling. It will seem that all of the negative voices are indeed shouting doubts some days.
Also, we homeschool a year at a time. We assess each child each year. And you know what? I have yet to begin a year that I thought another situation was a better option for each child. The hard truth is: no system is perfect, each has it's weakness.
One last note: find a support group. Hear your family members out, agree to disagree and remind all "helpful" family and friends that you love your son. And you know what? I really think they are trying to be helpful. I think that's their heart's desire. They just don't understand and perhaps, in time, they will understand.
Homeschooling is not just for the child. It's a huge education for the parent as we realize there might be something in us that longs for the approval of others. We, like our beloved children, need to grow and change. Not just our minds, but our hearts as well.
I Live in an Antbed On Wednesday, September 22 at 4:50 pm
As hard as it is to deal with this attack, it is a HUGE blessing to have the support of your husband! My in-laws were not antagonistic when we started, but I think they were probably pretty skeptical. After all, 18 years ago when we started, they had never even heard of homeschooling.
I can tell you now, though, they brag on our children a lot. They see the "fruit" that has been borne in the lives of our children, academically and in character (which is really the most important thing). I am NOT saying this can only happen in a homeschooling setting, but I AM saying it is the result of intentional parenting. We can't delegate our job completely to someone else and then complain about the results. Active, intentional parenting.
Obviously, arguing with this man is not going to help. "He convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." But, when he sees your son growing into a wonderful young man, the "proof will be in the pudding." I can make no argument as strongly as it is made for me through the testimony of what people see in my children.
Hang in there! Hold on tightly to your husband and pray a lot!!
Bethany On Monday, September 27 at 1:49 am
Have you considered putting these people in a time-out, or even cutting them off altogether? Your in-laws sound like very negative and mean people that I wouldn't want MY children to spend time with.
the inadvertent farmer On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:35 am
I went away to boarding school for highschool (think small, private, religious) as did my parents…seems to be a family tradition.
We will be breaking from that tradition for our last two munchkins…we are intending to homeschool for the duration with college in the last two years of highschool. Keeping them involved with their peer group will most definitely be a priority.
I have very much enjoyed and learned from your posts..thanks! Kim.
Betsy On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:43 am
First, as someone who actually attended high school, and then proceeded to a small college (actually smaller than my high school), I disagree with your statement: "one semester at a small college is very much like high school." You get a social atmosphere at college, but it's not the same as or "very much like" high school. They are very different places with very different dynamics. Of course, all group settings have some commonalities – interpersonal relationships (and sometimes drama), groups/cliques, and the reality or potential of romantic relationships. But high school and college – at least for me – were totally distinct experiences. I feel that your statement cheapens my college experience by dismissing it as "high-school-ish" or immature.
Secondly, your 20-20 hindsight about high school seems to be clouding the importance of the experience, both at the time and in its long-lasting effects. Sure, my high school experiences aren't the heart of my life now, 10 years later. And yes, I look back on the things that were SO important then (who has a crush on whom, homecoming plans, etc) and realize they weren't the crises that they appeared to be. But do I believe they contributed to who I am today? Absolutely. Do I think I would have missed out on something if I hadn't had those experiences? Surely. There were awful times, days when I absolutely wanted to leave school forever, days I hated, days I look back on with a feeling of "that was the worst time ever!" (for me, 9th grade in particular was this way.) But just because an experience is difficult doesn't mean we should avoid it, or shield our kids from it. I think I'm stronger and more compassionate because of some of the things that happened in 9th grade, and in the rest of high school. And, incidentally, my 2 closest friends are friends that I met in high school (one of them during that awful 9th grade year), and I married my high school sweetheart (whom I also met in 9th grade and with whom I did all the "normal" high school stuff – homecoming, football games, prom, SATs etc).
So don't dismiss high school or write it off. Especially since you didn't actually attend one.
Chelle On Sunday, November 21 at 2:14 pm
As someone who did attend public high school, I went off to a small private college expecting it to be so much better than high school. People would be so mature! And grown up! And intelligent! And there to learn and focus! And I was ticked off beyond belief to find that, in my experience, college was just like a four year long high school sleep over. Bummer.
Your accusation that the author has no right to dismiss high school because she didn't attend one is flawed. It is the very fact that she did not attend one that gives her the right to dismiss it. You say that high school helped shaped you but I think what you are not considering is that those who do not attend high school still live through those years from ages 14 to 18. They still have experiences–good and bad–that shape them for life. The absence of a physical high school building is not the absence of high school experiences. The things that happen at those ages do shape us, regardless of where we go to school. Your experiences in school shaped you into who you are today and the author's experiences NOT attending school shaped her into who she is today.She did not go through the day to day rut of high school and came out the other side being able to say that she can have normal, healthy friendships with other adults who did attend high school means that those high school experiences that take place within a school building are really not all that important after all.
EG On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:47 am
My husband is 32 and he and his brother were homeschooled all the way through. And while it doesn't affect their lives in their 30's, yes, they feel they missed out. And yes, they still wish they got to participate in normal high school activities.
My husband was a wrestler through middle school. Community center wrestling stopped at 9th grade when the HS teams picked up. So my husband, who was good at wrestling, wasn't able to continue. He did play summer league baseball. Of course all the players who went to public school made fun of him for being homeschooled (yes, I know kids are unkind and will find any reason to tease). But at least he got to play.
I think one key thing with homeschooling is to re-evaluate "Is this the best thing for my kids?". Not just before you start homeschooling, but every year. For my husband and his brother being homeschooled in HS was not the best thing.
And to your point, there are a lot more resources for homeschoolers these days, and I've heard that in some districts HS students can even participate in public school activities (we're paying the taxes anyway!).
Renee On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:04 am
Thank you for the honest and balanced viewpoint. Needed to hear this from someone who's been there!
Nezzy (Cow Patty Surprise) On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:07 am
Take it from an old Ozark farm chick, when I look at my grandkiddos, they haven't missed out on a dang thing. In fact they get far more hands on and real life experiences than they would ever get in public school. That goes of peer socialization too, there's plenty of that. This is comin' from a chick retired from Special Ed in a public school system.
God bless ya'll from the beautiful hills and hollers of the Missouri Ponderosa!!! :o)
AlishaJaybird On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:25 am
Well, I was homeschooled for my Freshman and Sophomore years, then I went to public school for Junior and Senior year. I did go to 2 proms, a few more dances, and I guess was "normal." But I never felt "normal." If feeling normal is hearing other kids your age beat down others ones that aren't quite the right shape to fit in the popular mold, hearing the gossip that could really affect someone's life, just because some girl or boy is bugged by that person, or having your car messed with because someone could, then I'm happy to be not normal. Part of me wishes I had never gone back, but in other ways, I'm glad because I wouldn't be the person I am today without these experiences. (This is not a rant against public school, by any means, just my personal experience. I think to each his own when it comes to homeschooling.)
Our local homeschool support group incorporates a learning co-op where the kids get together for some weekly classes, they make up a yearbook, and have their own prom. They also have ball teams that play against the public school teams, and go on field trips complete with school T-shirts. It's a nice thing to know it's there, although currently I'm not apart of it. It's something I am waiting to get into until middle school. But it's nice to have that option.
Whitney S. On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:25 am
I'm not far removed from HS (I'm 24), and I think there are good and bad things to each situation. I was a public school kid, and I loved being a part of Colorguard in the band and it was flattering to be voted "Most Likely to Succeed." But I could have totally missed out on always being the best friend that is a girl but never a Homecoming date or the catty girl fights. I bet being home schooled would have the same give and take. My guess is that the people asking these questions haven't really thought about it; they idolized the "High School Experience." Like my dad says, "There are many ways to skin a cat!"
Melanie On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:26 am
Did your homeschooling curriculum inform you that as an individual female you are an "alumna," rather than the plural "alumni"? (And that an individual male would be an "alumnus"?)
I'm not homeschooling hostile, but if you're working to promote homeschooling, an ethos check might be in order.
Sally On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:41 am
I am not a homeschooling Mom. That established, I never get the impression that the PW guest posts in this section are working to "promote homeschooling." They seem like people sharing their personal experiences with others that would be interested.
Additionally, I highly doubt public school curriculum is doing any more to correct the misuse of the word alumni than is homeschooling curriculum. People accidentally misuse words. It happens all of the time.
Bethany On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:47 am
An "ethos check" might be an over-the-top sort of suggestion for this very reflective and honest post. A brushup on the inflexion of nouns, perhaps, but ethos?
Cortney On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:49 am
Melanie, if your spell check was meant to imply that her homeschooling experience was less than ideal, I would have to say that I know many college graduates, who went to public high school, who don't know the first thing about the correct usage of various Latin words.
Tina On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:06 pm
I always wonder why people like you read these posts. You seem so angry, perhaps a run or some other exercise would be more helpful for you. Your post certainly did not add anything constructive to the conversation.
Lisa B. On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:33 pm
Not taking a stand either way, but my public high school taught me the difference between alumni and alumnus and alumna and alumnae.
Naomi H On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:57 pm
Mine sure didn't.
Monica On Tuesday, September 21 at 1:03 pm
Oh goodness, this is silly. My public high schooling was excellent, but I did not learn the difference between alumni and alumnus and alumna and alumnae. Anyone else? Did someone learn the difference between alumni and alumnus but not alumna and alumnae? What about those who attended private school? Let's go on for days shall we?
Farmer's Wyfe On Tuesday, September 21 at 3:23 pm
Yikes! Please don't come to my blog! I went to public school the first 4 years of life, private the next 4, and home-schooled the last 5. I attended college 4 years and got a degree in education, and I make mistakes. Education, no matter where or when or how it's done does not make perfect people; just opinionated. If I make any mistakes in my grammar, spelling, numeration, alliteration, culinary quantifications, or any other intellectual content, please, I'd rather pathos. After all, we're all traveling this life together. I didn't even agree in all parts to this post; high school, from what I experienced in junior high, was just a pack of ninnies who aligned themselves according to ridiculous standards of "cool." No, thanks. I'd rather involve my kids in learning good work ethic, acquiring the skills to make friends of all ages, etc. Missing out, in my opinion, is an attitude a person gets when they are uninformed about the situation. Information will cure this in time. I'm all about filling my kids lives with things that they won't regret; things that will make them better people and still have TONS of fun.
Education is just a start. It does not make a person better: compassion does that.
CathyB On Tuesday, September 21 at 11:15 pm
Wow. I don't know what public school you went to, but I was the validictorian of my class at public high school and never learned this. I also have a B.S. degree and didn't learn it in college either.
Angela On Wednesday, September 22 at 5:20 am
Overreact much? I don't think the misspelling of one word demands an entire revaluation of one's ideals.
Patti On Wednesday, September 22 at 10:56 am
Give us a break Melanie. Many of us don't even use a "homeschool curriculum." Horror of horrors! Have a great day.
Marah On Wednesday, September 22 at 12:14 pm
Misuse of a ops vs. plural vultus of a Latin vox videor quinymo insignificant quod benign. I'm non publicus schola obnoxius sive vos volo lenocinor publicus schola an ego reprehendo vires exsisto in ordo. Sheesh.
The misuse of a singular vs. plural form of a Latin word seems rather insignificant and benign. I'm not public school hostile but if you want to promote public schools an ego and manners check might be in order. Sheesh.
Sally On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:30 am
I was "public-schooled" growing up. It was a small area and the drama was pretty limited. However, I think what you say about a child's personality is really key. Although I always had the option, I never went to one school dance. Ever. Not a homecoming. Not a Prom. I didn't want to deal with the awkwardness. I was way more interested in spending time with my friends doing things that were actually awesome. But who knows, maybe if I had been home schooled I would have had a totally different reaction! LOL.
Regardless, I don't think kids that miss out on a dances or whatnot are irreparably affected. Not getting to do everything is just life. I mean, I worked commercial fishing with my family every summer and didn't get to play softball like most other kids. I turned out just fine. And bonus, I can fillet a salmon like nobody's business.
sarai On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:41 am
@Melanie-"I don't mean to be hostile but…". Well, if you don't mean to be hostile, than don't. There were much more gracious ways to inform her of her *minor* error. I don't recall this being taught when I attended public high school, or college for that matter. But thanks for the tip, I'll make sure to cover it with my own children, I wouldn't want their education to be lacking in such important and frequently used latin terms.
Elizabeth On Tuesday, September 21 at 10:56 am
I was also homeschooled nearly my entire life. I'm somewhat glad for it now, but at the time it felt lonely and isolating sometimes, especially because I had no siblings. I lived in the middle of the country, thirty five miles from anything and all I had was my horse, cows, chickens, dogs and cats.. I ended up going to different countries in my teens to do volunteer work, which helped me get my love for traveling, but I didn't often connect with people my age and I didn't involve myself in homeschooling groups a whole lot, though back then finding other homeschoolers was really rare and the groups were small and were usually more religion based than anything. I felt like my life started in many ways after I left the country for good when I was 18 and went off to seek my life. I never did go back to the States for good. I didn't have the friends to root me down, I guess. I made them after I left. I still don't regret it, though: not going to a normal school. I found passions in things that I feel are worthwhile to me and complete me personally and I think those helped me find them without having the influence of "the crowd".
Olivia On Tuesday, September 21 at 11:08 am
I was homeschooled and I always feel like I missed out. There are so many things homeschooling just cannot replace or replicate, and just because one is homeschooled doesn't automatically mean one will not be bullied.
I Live in an Antbed On Tuesday, September 21 at 11:13 am
Thank you for such a clear, matter-of-fact article.
It is wonderful how many options for "extras" we have now, versus when we first started homeschooling 18 years ago.
I think the challenge now is not so much finding enrichment activities, but choosing wisely. The balance between truly enhancing their education and being-busy-just-to-be-busy has to be constantly evaluated. It's so easy to add "one more thing" to a family schedule without really counting the cost to the family as a whole. My children aren't really being enriched when our schedule is too hectic. We have had to measure what's best for each child in each season of our family's life. Sometimes that requires us to cut out something that is "good" because it's just not "best" in the grand scheme of things.
Tony On Tuesday, September 21 at 11:15 am
Great article! Thanks for sharing.
I hope that my kids will have the same perspective years from now as you do.
Sarah B. On Tuesday, September 21 at 11:45 am
I have mixed feelings on the topic. It definitely varies by kid. While I had a horrible time during high school, I also made some very close friends, some of whom I still talk to at least weekly if not more often. My home life was awful, too, so school – even as bad as it was for me – was still an escape and I'd have been in a VERY bad place if I'd been taken out of it. My sister had an even worse time at high school, begged to be homeschooled, and my mom wouldn't do it. I think she would have done well at home, and she still harbors some resentment about it.
Right now my son enjoys being at home and loves the people and activities provided through our homeschool group – we have a fall festival coming up in less than a month – and I don't feel he's missing anything, and neither does he. My daughter, on the other hand, might kill me if I took her out of school. She's only in kindergarten, but she's a social butterfly and NEEDS to see people every day and is very "keep up with the Jones'" in her mentality. I'm not saying I couldn't provide that for her if I had to, but it'd be a very different and much tougher challenge.
Perspective is definitely key
Kristin On Tuesday, September 21 at 11:59 am
This blog entry needed to be proof read before it was posted.
Clayvessel On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:10 pm
Very nice essay on this not often addressed subject, Kristen! Many good points.
I have been homeschooling our seven kids for twenty two years. I also have the unique experience of having been taken out of public school myself – at the difficult age of adolescence- middle school years- and essentially homeschooled at first and then I attended a tiny parochial school. I had a very difficult adjustment time when my friends were attending junior high and I was on my own at home. This was in the early 1970's! For years I DID think I was missing out. It didn't take long after I matured to figure out that I didn't miss out on much at all. I only had to remember the cliques and the judging and the immorality among my peers to realize I had a superior education and socialization in the high school I attended. The things I thought I missed out on were small in comparison to what I gained in the end. There were no cliques in my school and all the students were close friends and had many fun times together even if we didn't have football or proms.
I was able to empathize with my own teenagers when they went through their time of feeling left out. Not that it helped much. You know- "Mom! Things were different then!"
Kristin On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:15 pm
My husband and I were both homeschooled, as well (he for his entire school life and me for grades 7-12). We both had classes with other homeschoolers once a week and were involved in extracurricular activities (choir, sports, youth group). We frequently get looks of shock and awe when we tell people we were homeschooled. I love that there are so many of us out there breaking the stereotype of "unsocialized, awkward homeschoolers." We have no children as of yet, but plan to homeschool for sure – especially with how public schools in our area are going farther downhill as we speak. Keep doing what you're doing and encouraging the rest of us along the way!
Ginny On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:19 pm
This are the posts that interest me the most whenever I consider homeschooling my future, totally non-existent right now children. For me, high school wasn't the best years of my life, but I can't imagine missing out on it. I had a couple inspirational teachers that would make me sad to know I had missed out on. And, how am I supposed to stare at the cute boy in class if the only guy is my brother?
Maybe my future imaginary kids can be homeschooled up through middle school and have the option in high school.
Annie On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:21 pm
I had 2 years of high school in a large (3000+ students) public school, 6ish months of homeschooling, and the rest in a small (less than 50 in 7-12) Christian School. All by my own choice. I had supportive parents who were willing to try different things so that I could flourish. I loved both the homeschool and the Christian school settings. The public school was much too large for me to handle well. That said, there are benifits and downfalls to each type of schooling, and manyt of them depend on the student and the situation. I don't feel like I missed out on anything. I watched my friends suffer through it all, and had no desire to go through all that.
jeannine: waddlee-ah-chaa On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:26 pm
I enjoyed reading your perspective as someone who was homeschooled.
I have a question to pose for children who are not homeschooled:
What do children who attend school misout on when they aren't homeschooled?
I am a former public school teacher who loved teaching in the classroom! My children in the classroom experienced days full of rich learning. But coming from the classroom perspective, I can see all of the learning opportunities that my homeschooled children would miss out on in the classroom. We are often out in world experiencing hands-on learning.
And I know socialization is a big topic. But the family bond we are creating is just as important as the "socialization." Through our daily interaction my children are learning kindness and true compassion for others. That is something that is often missing in the classroom setting.
DJ On Tuesday, September 21 at 12:50 pm
Sure. Kids being homeschooled will miss out on some things. Some of them good, some of them bad. They will also be able to take advantage of many things that traditionally schooled children will miss out on. It goes both ways. ; )
Jud On Tuesday, September 21 at 1:29 pm
I don't think working as a long-term substitute is a fair comparison to a normal high school experience.
To correct more grammar, it should have read, "prior to our meeting" not "prior to us meeting."
Katie C. On Tuesday, September 21 at 1:30 pm
As a home-schooled student still a few years away from having to make education decisions about any future children, I really appreciated this post!
I definitely feel like there is a balance of missing out on good and bad in both homeschooling and traditional schooling.
Margaret On Tuesday, September 21 at 1:34 pm
My 20 year old swears that he had no childhood. He got his black belt in martial arts, he was and is an active Boy Scout and holds the rank of Eagle with three Palms, met President Bush because of that, has been a Civil Air Patrol Cadet Officer, is taking flying lessons, etc. I think you may see where I'm going with this. All these achievements have been what he wanted to do. But he swears that he had 'no childhood' living in a subdivision filled with homeschooled children who spent their spare time creating adventures in the woods and creek that surround our home.
My daughter who is 23 however, has graduated from college, has her own child and intends to home school him. Two completly different children with different views.
I think home school children have more opportunities to be in social settings with people of differnent ages. I think this may be a key to how they relate to others. I know that my mother and father-in-law live in an area where the residents of the city they live in and their subdivision are their age group. They only see the world from the view of older, retired, non working seniors. They have no association with anyone that is not their age unless it is someone in the medical profession. They live away from the grandchildren and have no daily or regular contact with them or any younger people. It makes a huge difference in how they view everything. I think this applies to students in the government schools who only see their peers for most of the hours of a day and Face Book, text and Twitter them for the rest of the day.
Norine On Tuesday, September 21 at 1:46 pm
And Kristen, the same points can be made for someone attending public high school. Because of family dynamics I was not allowed to particpate in those activities. And because of poor educational standards in my daughter's public schools I feel that I should have home schooled my daughter illegally in the 1970s. I am so grateful there are more flexible choices now. However I am seriously distressed when obviously poorly educated people think they can home school. To what standard do they aspire?
Robin On Tuesday, September 21 at 2:12 pm
The most important thing I got from high school was not the social life — even though I went to the prom, parties, and sports with friends. In retrospect it was the exposure to different types of people: students from different economic backgrounds, religions and cultures than mine, and teachers with different points of view and different expectations.
My senior year English teacher said that conflict is a catalyst to learning. We were discussing racial politics in class in light of recent current events, and over the course of several days of discussion everyone in class got a chance to share points of view and experiences respective to their races. What started as a heated disagreement finished in a type of learning seminar that I will never forget; I never would have had that experience at home with my parents.
If conflict is a path to learning the same can be said for adversity. While nothing traumatic happened I did have to deal with my fair share of the tribulations of high school — navigating social cliques, bullying, grumpy teachers, and juggling academics with part time work and sports. The coping skills I acquired were essential to my adult life.
So, those are the things I would have missed out on. There was also a psychological benefit for me having my own life away from my mom and day. They're lovely people but independence is such an important, normal part of teenage life.
I have absolutely nothing against homeschooling and am learning that many people are doing it very well, but I think there are many more things to miss out on than "prom" in a public education.
Kristina On Wednesday, September 22 at 10:45 am
Robin, I was going to comment myself on the value of both diversity and adversity in your formative years, but you did it very well.
We live in the same small agricultural town in central California that both my Dad and I grew up in — and where we both attended public school. My children attend public school, and while the racial diversity isn't profound — mostly people of European and Mexican ancestry, they also see the poor kids, the kids whose parents aren't making good decisions, and just in general kids whose lives are really really different than ours. They don't always like their teachers, they have to be out the door to school (in my HS aged daughter's case) by 7am, and no, they don't always like the kids they go to school with. Coping with doing things you don't want to do and people who you don't get along with is just life, and something you can only learn by doing.
I also see my High School-aged daughter becoming slowly more independent of me and her dad. It's scary sometimes, but I think you learn to make good decisions by being trusted with the privilege of trying.
Can you learn all these things as a homeschooled child? I don't have the answer to that. But I do think that Prom and the Homecoming Game are beside the point.
Robin On Thursday, September 23 at 5:22 pm
thanks, Kristina.
I think if your daughter has the confidence in herself to slowly become more independent then you're doing an excellent job as a Mom!
Kimberly On Tuesday, September 21 at 2:48 pm
Thank you for the thoughtful article about this very important question. I believe that most parents are trying to make the best decision for each child in the moment. If decisions are based on that intention, they are always the right decision.
Mairin On Tuesday, September 21 at 2:51 pm
I was homeschooled until high school, as were my 3 siblings, and am now a "socially appropriate" 30-year-old adult (who is tired of the shock on people's faces when they find out I was home schooled). And even though I went to high school, I never attended a single dance (including prom) except the "senior dinner dance" because I simply wasn't interested. I also rarely attended sporting events (other than the XC and track events in which I was involved). I don't feel like I missed out on a thing. In fact, I think what I learned at home with my siblings is what made it okay for me to admit to my friends that 1) prom was too expensive, 2) I disagreed with school policy that forced me to have a date and 3) it just didn't seem like fun. Being taught at home with my sister and my brothers gave me the sense of self that helped me to simply not care what other people thought of me.
(In fact, my younger brother was homeschooled through high school and he attended more of these functions at my school than I did (with the younger sisters of my friends).)
I totally agree that it depends on the kid. But seriously… it gets SO OLD for people to constantly ask how I dealt with the socialization aspect. We were in boy scouts and girl scouts, little league, 4-H, drama classes, soccer, and local ecology clubs. The weirdest thing when I started high school was that the student population was the same size as my town. Crammed into one tiny building. I found out my senior year that the entire guidance dept had kept an eye on me from day one to see if I was going to freak out in the hallway or something. Sorry to say, I disappointed them. HA!
It's not like my mother tied us up in a cave and never let us out. We lived in the world. Therefore, we interacted with the world.
Sorry, this is super long… but this particular topic hits that nerve JUST RIGHT.
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 8:58 pm
"It's not like my mother tied us up in a cave and never let us out. We lived in the world. Therefore, we interacted with the world." >>> LOVE THIS!!!
Hannah On Tuesday, September 21 at 2:53 pm
I was educated at home K-12. There were days I wanted to be "part of the crowd" but now looking back I wonder what I thought I was missing! I agree that school is a culture just as much as it is education. Looking at the homeschool culture in which I grew up, I'm very happy with the education, experiences, and memories.
And for goodness sake ya'll, this isn't a doctoral thesis – give the sweet gal a break! I knew the difference between "alumni" and "alumna" at one time but I also knew the presidents in order. A lot of life has been lived since those days
Mairin On Tuesday, September 21 at 3:03 pm
the last comment I tried to enter was long and rambling and probably off topic. It might be held up because i mis-typed something in the website box… oops.
anyways, I really wanted to say this instead of all the other stuff I typed:
I was homeschooled for grades 1-8, and then went to a private high school. Activities I was involved in while homeschooled:
drama club
girl scouts
Activities I was involved in while in a "regular" school:
cross country
athletic bowl
I never went to a single dance. I wasn't interested and I don't feel like I missed out. I participated in the activities I enjoyed, and was able to resist the peer pressure that came with announcing I had no intention of going to our extremely costly, date-mandatory prom.
Actually, the only thing I feel like I missed out on was early experiences of peer pressure (pressure from your siblings is NOT the same thing) and how to deal with cliques. My first experience with a "mean girl" was when I was 12 and I was totally baffled as to how to respond. I'm totally ok with holding off on those experiences until I was sure of myself enough to not care what the cliques thought of me.
Sorry this was long. This topic hits a sore spot…
April On Tuesday, September 21 at 3:58 pm
I think one of the greatestt things I would've missed if I'd been homeschooled is the relationships I've made with my teachers. I loved some of my high school teachers dearly and still stay connected with them. Otherwise I probably could have done without a couple years of high school…
Julie at Elisharose On Tuesday, September 21 at 3:59 pm
My kids missed out on a lot and I'm very grateful. We are fortunate to have a very large homeschool group to socialize with. I think that is actually more close to normal. I mean, when in life are you going to have to deal with 20 other people just your age who are doing essentially the same thing you are? Our kids get to play with and even study with kids of different ages and backgrounds. It's a much more realistic way to interact, I think.
Deb W. On Tuesday, September 21 at 4:57 pm
As a home schooling mom for 17 years, I do agree that it is very important to get your kids out into social situations where they can interact with other kids. Church groups, 4H, co-ops, volunteering, self defense classes, sports groups. It gives them opportunity to learn the skills they need for the work force, and just to get along in the world with people who are different from themselves.
There are people I know who feel they don't want to get their children around others who may pull them away from their belief system. That leads to rebellious children. If they are confined to a small group that limit their choice of friends and activities, they will rebel. I have seen it happen more than once.
Abigail On Tuesday, September 21 at 5:30 pm
I was homeschooled…did I miss out? YES! I missed out on peer pressure, I missed out on cliques, I missed out on any threat of school shootings (like the Columbine ones), I missed out on colds, I missed out on homework, and I'm sure I must have missed out on many other things as well, I just don't know what they are since I missed out on them. I am very thankful I didn't have to go to high school, or any public school. Someone once called me sheltered. At the time I was a little embarrassed, but six months later I realized the truth- there's nothing wrong with being sheltered, as long as you're not stifled and handicapped, which I wasn't.
Now, I'll freely admit that when I graduated 12th grade, I wasn't particularly thrilled to speak to total strangers. But just a short while of working as a cashier at the local grocery store solved that problem forever.
Nicole On Tuesday, September 21 at 5:55 pm
I was home schooled from second grade until I graduated. I don't feel that I missed out on anything besides stupid teenage drama. And honestly, I would never have become the person or been in the career I am in now if I hadn't been home schooled.
Because I was home schooled through out middle school and high school I was able to take more ballet classes, graduate early, and go to a big ballet school. Now I am a professional ballet dancer and have gotten to do things I would have never been able to if I had gone to high school. I got to live in San Francisco for three years and was paid to go on tour to China.
Am I sad that I missed out on the high school experience? Not in the least. High school isn't the experience that defines you. It's the experiences that you are passionate about the define you.
Honestly, who is passionate about high school?
Simone On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:00 pm
"High school isn
Jenn Oates On Tuesday, September 21 at 6:31 pm
I think (as a public school teacher) that what homeschooled kids miss hugely outweighs what they miss–that being the negative vs the positive. Life is all about choices, and most choices have good and bad in them. The trick is to make the choice that is mostly good, least bad, and realizing that what's best for you might not be best for someone else.
Shari (aka: fruitloopgirl) On Tuesday, September 21 at 7:57 pm
I think the school district where I live is a great example of how public schools can bridge the distance between themselves and homeschooling families.
Home schooled children can participate in any and all public school acitivities, provided they meet the criteria. (minimum grades and the health packet for sports).
I think that if home school kids are given these same social opportunities through community organizations, public schools, churches and other, they can have a rich, well-rounded "high-school" experience without the hallway drama. =)
It is good to see more and more support and resources available for homeschooling families. Rock on home school parents. I could not do what you do.
Jennie On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:01 pm
I must say this to those who continue to correct the grammar. My niece came home from her first day of 7th grade with this paper from her math teacher:
Please answer the following with complete sentences. Things I like about math? Things I don't like about math? Problems I've had in math? Things I'm good at in math?
Everyone makes mistakes. Fine grammar is nice but sometimes the point lies elsewhere. Or is it lays. I dunno.
Rachel On Tuesday, September 21 at 9:32 pm
Thanks so much for sharing this! My daughter is only 2 right now, and I have a son due to arrive in January. As a former teacher, I am constantly wondering what will be the best option for my own kids! I am leaning towards a University model Christian school where they go to school 2 days a week and homeschool the other 3. It's good to hear from someone who went through homeschooling!
Angie On Wednesday, September 22 at 3:49 am
I have to agree with @Cassandra. I can relate to what you said, because I was homeschooled from K-8th grade. I made friends with people my age, younger people, and people my parent's age. I enjoyed adult level conversations about many different topics as a kid. When I went to school in 9th grade, I was bored with the teenage drama. As someone who has always been very secure in knowing who I am, I looked at typical highschool drama as being very immature and shallow. By 11th grade, the school adminstrators sent me to the University to take most of my classes. I couldn't wait to get out of there! However, at the same time, I am really glad I went to high school in retrospect. It really helped me understand how people my own age operate and the normal development process that we all go through.
Angela On Wednesday, September 22 at 5:46 am
I wasn't that fond of my high school experience. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't picked on. I hated feeling like I had to climb the social ladder. I hated being upset when boys didn't like me. I hated feeling like I didn't belong. These things seem trivial now, but they sure hurt then.
But, I was part of a youth social group (sort of a combination of sorority/service group) that I loved. There was a corresponding boys' group that we frequently associated with in events like dances, trips, etc. I met my best friends there. We did all sorts of fun things, and were close friends even outside the structured group activities. I still keep in touch with many of them. I even introduced my sister to one of the boys, who eventually became her husband!
Even though there were squabbles, as there will be in any group of teens/pre-teens, there weren't cliques. The kids came from all over the area, and were of various races, religions, and economic backgrounds.
The organizations are open to anyone ages 11-20. The girls' organization is International Order of Rainbow for Girls, and the boys' organization is DeMolay. They are affiliated with the Masons and as such have "secrets", but parents are always invited to attend all meetings and events.
Please email me at [email protected] if you want more information about these groups.
The Social Homeschooler On Wednesday, September 22 at 8:49 am
First off, I think that it is so cool that homeschooling moms and school teachers alike read and respond to this blog We have a wealth of resources to offer each other.
As a homeschooling parent who graduated from a public high school, I have to say that I am happy that my kids are homeschooling. The "social experience" of high school was miserable for both my husband and I. But then we are in an area that offers opportunities for home school proms, high school graduation ceremonies, and a huge amount of co-op opportunities through high school. That's just the homeschooling community opportunities, but we will be weighing everything available as we go.
As a side note: If your family is interested in learning about Monarch Butterfly migration, you can go to http://www.learner.org/jnorth to learn about being involved in a symbolic migration. Your kids would create a paper Monarch that will "winter" in Mexico with school kids there. They are used to teach the kids about the real Monarchs wintering there, and then sent back with information and milkweed seeds in the Spring (while the real Monarchs migrate back). The postmark deadline is October 17(?) so now is the time to check it out.
Lisa On Wednesday, September 22 at 8:50 am
I enjoyed this post! But please note that as a female graduate, you are an alumna, not an alumni, which is plural.
Jennie On Wednesday, September 22 at 9:24 am
Kimberly On Wednesday, September 22 at 10:27 pm
I'm with you, Jennie.
Bonnie On Wednesday, September 22 at 11:52 am
Sorry. Another one. It's "couldn't have cared less", not "could have cared less".
Mary Beth On Wednesday, September 22 at 12:56 pm
Thanks, Kristen, for this thoughtful post from homeschoolers perspective. We have been laboring over the high school decision for our sixth child, who has been homeschooled since kindergarten. I blogged about it here:
The benefits of homeschool and those of traditional school can be debated at an intellectual level, but when it comes to one's own children, it's difficult to seperate emotion (instinct? intuition? ) from the decision. And I'm not even sure I should try to seperate it.
Thanks again and to the others who posted their thoughts here.
Heather S On Wednesday, September 22 at 1:13 pm
Does Cool Mom Picks have a blog on her site? Or does she just contribute her thoughts on here? Just curious…
Heather S On Wednesday, September 22 at 1:16 pm
From the previous comment – I know that Cool Mom Picks is a blog. I am just looking to see if it also has a place where she writes like she does above…
Kristen Chase On Wednesday, September 22 at 3:27 pm
You mean with bad spelling and grammar, Heather? (Ha!). Thankfully at Cool Mom Picks, I have an editor! Hooray for smart people like that!
Kristal On Wednesday, September 22 at 3:54 pm
I have to chime in, I have never been to public school and with the exception of sports I did not participate to any degree with the public school, I did not care then and I most definitely do not care now. I do not feel as though I missed out on anything. I do remember (thanks to my journal:D) thinking that alot of my peers at the time where very foolish and immature.
Outside of the school, I had dance and my music. Homeschool allowed me to follow my interests.
I do not feel as though I am a social misfit or that I can't cope in a group, I can get along in pretty much any group of people, I am very adaptable:D
Chrissy On Wednesday, September 22 at 11:46 pm
I'm wondering what high schools you all went to. I recall Junior High/Middle School as the exasperating "social" stress-out time…high school was more about academics. I think we'll all agree to disagree on the matter time and time again – yes, kids who are homeschooled will miss out on the high school experience. Kids who go to school formally miss out on the "homeschool" experience, don't they?
As parents who send our children to school we don't have to roll over and play dead the moment the kids enter the building. Stay involved. Ask questions. Teachers and administrators have amassed years of education and experience and they are there for a reason.
I DO enjoy the small break I get while my son is in Kindergarten. He's having a wonderful time and learning a lot more than he would here – and I've been working with him with literacy, math, art, music, nature studies, science, etc. since he was able to respond to me with full sentences at 2! I love my child dearly, and I think he'll love school because we've put it in a positive light. I feel (for him at least), as bright as he is it would be detrimental if I attempted to teach him anything above preschool level anything, except in my areas of expertise which are the arts and library science. Knowing he's forging lifelong friendships and being exposed to kids from all different backgrounds, races, nationalities, religions, etc gives him a gift that will help the entire WORLD. Not just our small household. Just in his class there are children from three or four different countries (not including the US). At his school there are 44 countries represented. I can't give him that in our living room on a daily basis.
Melissa @ Snubbery On Thursday, September 23 at 12:58 pm
The thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that in many states (such as ours, Missouri) a student can indeed participate in the public school and be homeschooled.
Not only that, but they can attend a combination of public school and home school or attend public school part time. (http://www.dese.mo.gov/schoollaw/HomeSch/)
My own son is in 10th grade and is homeschooled, but participates in clubs at our local public high school, will be attending homecoming for the second year, and goes to sporting events with his friends. If he wanted he could join the band, or choir, or take P.E.
He's not missing out on the stuff he doesn't want to miss. And is getting the education that's best for this particular kid at home. (My other son is fully public schooled, because that works best for that particular kid.)
Brandi On Friday, September 24 at 11:41 pm
I just wanted to say I am a former homeschooler who is now a 'normal' (I use that term loosely, but I am married, own a house, car, and do most normal human things) grown up. I do not regret not attending public school at all. In fact I am thrilled to not have gone. The little bit of public school I did attend was imagination squashing and miserable. I was bored and would cry every morning, even after skipping a grade and being in the gifted and talented program. Homeschooling allowed me intellectual freedom that public school does not.
Ka On Saturday, September 25 at 9:36 am
One point that I think has not been raised is the fact that most of the homeschooling is done by the mothers and not the fathers. This is the model where the mother does not have a career of her own and where the word 'stay-at-home' mum means what it says. Is it the model that the parents want to promote for their children, especially girls? A model where the woman is a mother almost 24/7 (if the homeschooling is done seriously), doing homeschooling all day followed by household chores, all that within the limits of the home? Are the daughters not taught that they should study hard, go to university and have an interesting career or are they taught that the most wonderful thing in life is to homeschool your kids and wait for the husband in the evening? Is it not somewhere deep a way for a woman who does not work a way not too feel empty when the children are about to fly to go to school and leave the home nest? What are the academic standards of the school taught at home? Let's be careful about the way we educate our daughters in this challenging word (from a very happy mother of…two boys!)
SpikenButchsMom On Sunday, September 26 at 8:57 am
The reason this has not been mentioned is that it is completely off topic. The mother in these situations has a job. She is a teacher. My boys are taught this – by their father.
Jennie On Sunday, September 26 at 11:52 am
I don't think we can predict how having a stay-at-home mom will influence children. My friend, a successful professor, said she wanted to "make something of herself" because she thought that her mother was unhappy at home. My mother was a teacher and I was in nursery school and my grandmother's home from an early age while she worked. She used to tell me to get a job and live on my own for a while before marriage. I didn't feel the needs that she felt at all. I got married at 25 and stayed home with my kids, homeschooled them for 9 years. Two kids may, for example, grow up in a disorganized home and one is inspired to be more organized because of the mess, one adopts a messy disorganized way. Who can predict? I think it's just important that whatever choices we make as adults we make them with the best heart-felt and intelligent intentions we are able and work hard at those. It's all we can do since we do not have crystal balls. Instead of trying to be models I think we should just try to be our best genuine self, giving our kids permission to be the same.
ifitistobeitisuptome On Saturday, September 25 at 10:28 pm
I enjoy reading all of the comments posted on this site. I am envious of all of you for having the choice of whether or not to homeschool. I must work to support my family; being a stay-at-home parent was never an option. Just curious…Any dads out there that teach at home while mothers work outside the home? It seems that the comments posted are mainly from mothers.
Catpurrson On Monday, September 27 at 6:52 pm
I think homeschooling is a big mistake. As a teacher with a masters' degree, I would have never considered homeschooling. Most people are not qualified to teach; if college educated, they are not qualified to teach outside of their field of study. There is simply no substitute for hands-on experience in classes such as science where they get to dissect frogs and do experiments. You can offer all kinds of social opportunities, but there is no social opportunity that compares with attending a regular school on a daily basis. In social opportunity organizations, you interact with other individuals on an infrequent basis. It is the daily drudge, including the petty things, that teach you how to get along. That being said, I'm not for big schools either, nor mainstreamed schools. I believe in tracking kids so that they are working at their ability level. Hence, I'm a firm believer in smaller private schools where kids have the benefits of teachers who KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TEACHING plus the kids have the opportunities to really bond with their classmates, plus learn to get along with others. Just my two cents worth, but I could have never done justice to my child who has a genius IQ and was a member of Mensa at age 12. She was simply smarter than her father (an engineer with an MBA) and myself combined. Private schools and starting college in her summers starting at age 14 where the only way to go. I think parents who home school are pennywise and pound foolish because kids aren't getting exposed to a breadth of opinion.
Susan On Tuesday, September 28 at 6:34 pm
What makes you think home schoolers don't 'track' their children's schooling? In many states it is the law. Every parent I know wants to make sure they children are getting the education they need. There are some wonderful things about traditional school. My children were in the best private school in our area for years. It was a huge blessing for them. My husband was on the school board for most of that time. But weighing the pros and cons my husband and I decided to home school. This is our second year and we have found that our children now have more time to be involved in extracurricular activities. They have more time to play with friends and more time to travel. My husband travels for his business and we taken the children to Boston, NY, Washington DC, Colorado, Alabama, Chicago, Texas, and many other places. They are exposed to many different cultures, environments, and people of all ages. They now have a much broader education than they had at the school. As for being able to teach them, well I have been teaching my children since their births. I know their learning styles, likes and dislikes, how they think, and what makes them tick better than anyone else. Using that knowledge I have been able to teach them very effectively. My kids went from doing grade level work to way beyond that in every subject. And that is norm for the home school families I know. The children excel academically and they have more time to be kids, more time to explore, more time to create, more time to play. With science we do an experiment with every lesson. One of those experiments this year just happens to be dissecting a frog.
Jennie On Thursday, September 30 at 12:32 pm
Schools around this country have huge differences themselves, just think of it. Brooklyn, Mississippi bayou, Hollywood, South Dakota, North Philly, Tennessee…..barren Alaska. I can't imagine the drastic ways different cultures in this country must influence the school atmospheres even with the standardization. The idea that schools offer a breadth of opinion seems idealistic to me. I live where I grew up – in an almost all white middle income suburban community and my kids go to school here now. When we were homeschooling they were exposed to many differing lifestyles and people and opinions, we mixed with different groups for different projects or trips or experiences. People came together from all over, not just our neighborhood. In this little one horse town it sometimes feels like everyone is bent on being alike and the small school atmosphere tends to label and pigeon-hole people into jocks, musicians, artists, trouble-makers, academics, etc. Every year our school offers some sort of a culture fair where kids supposedly learn about other cultures and lifestyles at booths in the gym. My kids used to learn those things out in the real world when they weren't sitting in four walls with the same teacher all day. (I'm waiting for the day they'll acknowledge the homeschooling lifestyle in their lifestyle fair!) Sure, there are great schools where kids learn great things and there are great homeschool families where kids learn great things. Some of those great homeschool families come from places where their choices in institutional schooling stink.
Chelle On Sunday, November 21 at 2:28 pm
"I think homeschooling is a big mistake. As a teacher with a masters' degree, I would have never considered homeschooling. Most people are not qualified to teach; if college educated, they are not qualified to teach outside of their field of study."
Actually, statistically children who are taught by parents score higher on standardized tests than those who are taught in school by teachers with master's degrees. If you are going to make accusations, make sure you have the facts to back it up:
Study results also revealed little difference in test scores between those home schooled by parents with only a high school diploma and those with a master's degree.
New York native On Friday, October 1 at 2:17 pm
I went to public school and was a straight-A student and National Merit Scholar. Which doomed me as a girl to dorkdom. Fortunately I was a committed Christian and didn't care if I was accepted or "fit in" so I lived my life according to Christian values and excelled in academics. I never had a date (the boys were intimidated by my height and Christian values) and was never part of all the "rites of passage" many of you remember so fondly. I do remember the mean girls and the cliques and the labels. My folks had little money so I couldn't do the exchange student program or any of the travel some of the kids did with our school. My husband went to school in a southern state that is one of the last in academics nationwide. He has had to teach himself anything he needs to know since his academic preparation was so poor. When he remembers school, he remembers being bullied and beat up because he was small for his age. Only because he scored relatively well on the ACT was he able to escape his small town and go to college and work himself out of the lower class.
Fast forward: we've graduated several totally homeschooled children. They are academically successful, but more well-rounded than I or my husband because we can afford to let them participate in more extra-curricular activities than we could. They have won local and state and national championships in art, photography, sewing, music, speech and debate, spelling, chess, math, geography and writing.
They have been enormously successful in college (have won student of year awards and scholarships they didn't even seek) and the teachers adore them. They were able to score in the top percentile on the ACT and SAT; they have done excellent on CLEP and Advanced Placement tests. They also get along well with the other college students (even the emo and goth kids like them) and work in groups better than the public schooled kids.
One daughter worked as an intern for a large corporation (a difficult position to get after only her freshman year in college) and was by far the best intern they had in that location. She lives her Christian faith quietly and was respected for it. She did difficult work assignments independently and gave the best presentations – one of them she gave for the mucky-mucks when her supervisor saw how fantastic it was. She also participated in most of the social activities with the interns and made a lot of friends. They've already asked her to intern next year.
Our children volunteer for a political party. I was told they are the best volunteers they have ever had and we get calls when other people don't keep volunteer commitments and they need someone to do the job right. The crusty old political hacks have already tried to recruit them to run for school board and city council.
They love to read and play sports and computer games – they also are good at crafts and cooking (my son is an extraordinary cook) and design websites. They have tons of friends of all ages and seem well-liked wherever they go. They are my best friends and we never had to go through the whole "hate the parents" stage even though we did have normal friction and hormones. I think they spend too much time on the computer and wish they kept their rooms cleaner. One daughter has married and has decorated her home beautifully, cooks up a storm, keeps her husband happy, and has a fantastic job she can do from home.
They have told me they can't figure out what they missed out on by not going to public school. We gave them tons of freedom as teens and they designed their own high school experience with our guidance and basic requirements. Yet we were also strict and protective when it came to "teen behavior". We pushed adult interests and hobbies that they can continue past the teen years and we required a lot of volunteering for the needy as well as friends. I would change a few things (my innate laziness and messiness) but overall – my kids have turned out as good citizens and fantastic people. They don't feel they have missed out. Perhaps because we didn't put them in a box and have allowed for them to explore the world according to their interests and personalities. They've coped with things they don't want to do and people who are unpleasant – usually in adult settings that don't allow for stupid teen behavior.
Homeschooling may not be for everyone, but it has been the best decision my husband and I ever made. And every one of my kids wants to homeschool their children.
Linda On Monday, October 25 at 9:23 am
C'mon, Ree! You're not a homeschooling "alumni"–that's masculine, plural! You're an "alumna", my friend.
Pedantically Yours,
rhonda On Monday, October 25 at 3:05 pm
I have to say we had a very strong homeschool group that had all sports, yearbook, band, choir, Jr/Sr. banquets, etc. Because we homeschooled we were able to travel to different countries, exposing our children to more cultures, during the off seasons making it very affordable. I have seen lots of the families become too socialized, easy to do when you want to make sure your children are not missing out. Both my son and daughter attended college and found they were able to fit in much easier as no group intimidated them. They didn't feel the need to seek approval from the cool kids and made friends of every race, color and religion as they had been taught to respect everyone.
I used to hate that question about social interaction. Given that they have friends of every age and are able to have inteliigent conversations with anyone they meet I would say they are doing OK!
I know this was a bit rambly but wanted to assure new HS Moms it's all good
Cynthia On Wednesday, October 27 at 2:03 pm
I am chiming in a month after this post was started and having read ALL the many posts, I would like to comment. We just graduated our daughter from our home school in May. She has been "homeschooled" all her life (with her 5 younger brothers) in the beautiful mountains of Western North Carolina and is now having the time of her life at a wonderful college in the heart of Manhattan in New York City! I put "homeschooled" in quotations because some of you may have the impression that we sat down at the kitchen table every day for "school" for K-12 but it was actually more exciting and diverse. Of course in the early years, I am closely involved because foundations are being laid. But in 7th grade, all my children begin taking some outside classes (the first one is Latin) taught by wonderful people who have taught in public schools and private schools. These fine teachers have chosen to teach homeschoolers as their full-time profession. So, I get to pick and choose who will teach my children for different subjects. It is great preparation for college because they have class once a week and then must complete a great deal of work on their own. I certainly oversee things but I want them to have accountability with other teachers. My daughter was well-prepared for college because she was also dual-enrolled at a college here which means she was both a high school student and college student. She was able to take upper-level literature classes from a PhD and loved that opportunity. My son loves his biology classes at our local community college and the professors there appreciate the maturity that the homeschool students bring to the college. I attended an all-girls' college prep school and I learned that I CAN DO anything. I am certainly smart enough to teach my own children. My daughter could have attended my high school but she realized that she would not have had the time to pursue other interests. We have loved having the flexibility to travel during off-season rates! Sorry, I did not break this up into paragraphs!
Just wanted to give you a picture of one of the many options available to get our children educated.
Patty On Friday, October 29 at 10:25 pm
We homeschool. My son is 11 and my daughter is 12. My kids are on sports teams and attend homeschool groups. What my daughter told me was that she enjoyed the homeschool kids so much more because they are not all caught up in the fads. Also the girls on her soccer teams ( which attend public school) are not as accepting of kids. She thanked me for not putting her in public school. She says she has enough contact with the kids from public school by swimming at the local pool and playing sports. She loves her (thinking outside the box) homeschool friends.
bob rogers On Saturday, October 30 at 12:01 am
This appears to be a set up deal. Everyone is in favor of home schooling. Hmmmm. Suspicious. I went to school between the times when home schooling was all there was, and the new enthusiasm for home schooling. I think public school better prepares children for the real world where not everyone agrees with your religion, social status or point of view. One or two parents give a child one or two windows on the world. Extended groups of home schoolers are a good thing, but still tend to gather in like minded groups. I think public school is the way to go.
Kelli On Monday, November 1 at 1:54 pm
I see the pitfalls of high school (I was picked on in high school), and I also do see the positive side. I did not have the option of being homeschooled. I got involved in interests that I cared about, choir. And our choir was also a show choir. It wasn't "cool" like it is now with the show "Glee" to be in choir, but I didn't care because our choir was so big and so talented. Luckily for me, I actually keep in touch with a lot of these people, and it's more than 20 years later… I was also in French Club, and got to travel to Europe, so I believe that not all of high school is bad. However, I didn't really study a lot, so once I went away to college, that was a real wake up for me… My oldest is in public school, and I think the key is the teacher. If the teacher loves to teach, and if parents are involved, public school can be good. Do I believe it's the best education for her? No, but I have to do what is best for our family right now; which is work.
Heidi B. On Wednesday, November 10 at 8:32 pm
This is a very interesting post! I appreciate your point of view on this.
As a product of combined home schooling (grades 3-8) and public schooling (grades K-2, 9-12) as well as a soon-to-be high school English teacher, I felt compelled to post my skepticism that homeschooling during high school can be as fulfilling as public high school. While high school wasn't the greatest time of my life and has all but become a distant memory even just in the nine years I've been out of it, I still count it as one of the most important and shaping experiences of my life as I interacted with such a great diversity of people that I wouldn't have otherwise encountered.
It's rare to interact with so many different people from so many walks of life – ethnicities, religions, personalities, etc. – in the same way during these formative years! College, one could argue, is similar, but in college when we make our own choices of major, institution, and even group mates and usually choose to work with those similar to ourselves. Most homeschool groups are comprised of families who have similar backgrounds, similar belief and value systems, and come from fairly close surroundings. In a public school, though, kids are thrust together in a melting pot and forced to interact in a positive manner, at least in classroom interaction. Not to mention, the missing of Prom and other dances, Friday night football games, and other prescribed high school activities may not seem like a big deal in retrospect and may be chocked up to high school silliness even at the time, but there are psychological milestones in our culture that these simple rituals and rites of passage signify.
The bottom line is that it really, really depends on the child and the type of experience parents want their kids to have. I know I was screaming for joy when my parents moved to a new town and enrolled my brothers and me in the schools there, and feel that I am definitely a more well-rounded, globally minded person for having had that experience.
I'll get down off of my soap box now.
Mommio On Saturday, November 20 at 11:30 pm
Wow. I stumbled upon this post looking at Ree's photography page. I'm almost finished with college and getting ready to start teaching, most likely at a public school. It it is interesting to me to see different points of view on the subject, but what are the real benefits to homeschooling? I have not see even one new point made on this blog. It is just like every other home school blog out there. The supporters vs the haters. I went to public school and I am very grateful for that. I had teachers that made us create things, asked us to think outside of the box, and instigated heated debates. What I learned in highschool is how to be myself, how to argue for my beliefs in a constructive manner, and how to overcome adversity in my life. Every post on here is exactly the same. I have close friends that homeschool their three children. Here is one of many concerning examples. We recently made a trip to the local playground together. My kids immediately ran off to play and within a short period found other children, that they did know, and were able to introduce themselves and begin playing. The other children with us were very stand offish, and did not join in with any of them even when asked. They resorted to playing with each other. I have also noticed that the few times they have joined in with other groups they quickly turn into "tattle tales." If something does not go their way or if another child disagrees with them they immediately find their mom to tattle and ask for help to make the other kids do what they want. My kids just roll with it so to speak and don't let the petty details bother them. They are very independent and know how to handle themselves in any situation, but the home schoolers are totally dependent on their mother. When I asked her about the benefits, her reply was that they have more freedom, and can incorporate their religion more, as well as the fact that their oldest did not do well in public school. I don't see these as benefits. Everyone complains about the public school system but yet they do nothing about it. Most people do not even go vote for positions such as the school board members. Parents hardly ever spend time volunteering at the local schools. Our school of 800 only has about 300 PTA members. That means that 500 kids aren't being represented. Instead of pulling kids out of the public school setting, which does have major benefits for the student, why not make a difference in the community by getting involoved. Just think what a difference could be made if all those home schooling moms spents their days volunteering at the school. Think about how much time that would free up for the teachers to have one on one time with struggling students, or those with special needs. There are certain conditions in which I would consider home schooling, but outside of those few scenarios it is very difficult for me to understand why the most motivated parents would choose to just remove themselves from the school setting completely, and then complain about public schools when they aren't even involved. What I'm hearing here is that because many of the supporters had a bad experience they aren't willing to even give it a try with their own kids. So aren't they, in a sense, living out their desired life throuh their kids?
Jeanette On Friday, December 17 at 12:59 pm
Funny. I homeschool my kids and they have no trouble making friends at the playground or anywhere else. Consider this- sometimes kids are unsocial..whether they are homeschooled or public schooled.
And the idea of all stay at home moms volunteering at schools. Really? If I want to work all day, I will get a job that will pay me to do so. Maybe if the schools quit trying to parent all the children and simply teach them like they used to, the teachers wouldn't need hundreds of volunteers to help them do their job.
Chelle On Sunday, November 21 at 2:00 pm
My daughter is just five and already this year we have dealt with the "I'm missing out" tears. When all of her church friends were sharing first day of school chatter and comparing who was going to what school, she felt so left out she'd come home and cry (our church has a small preschool and all her friends attended. Now, however, all her friends go to public school and she is the only one at home). We have long talks about all that doing our school work at home allows us to do and most days, she's cool with it. I'm sure it will be a constant conversation as she gets older. I just try to keep the focus on all she is gaining by being home. And, in the end, I think that it is the kids in school who are missing out on far more than the home schooled kids. They may miss out on some of the traditional rites of passage but overall, I think my kids will get more life experience by not being in school. That is my goal, anyway!
LearnMeProject On Sunday, November 28 at 6:50 pm
Missing out, doesn't make sense to deny that, but must clarify: missing out on good things and bad. And there's something in place of that–socializing with a more diverse group of people, kids of different ages, adults, etc.; more time with self, not lonely but alone. I could go on (and do, about this and other things, @ learnmeproject.com).
Teresa On Thursday, December 9 at 7:14 pm
I'm a (mostly) home educated alumna myself. I purposefully say "home educated" because what we did NOT do was school at home. The world was my classroom and I loved it!
As a child, I was always curious about school. I would often 'play school' the way other kids will play 'house' (I did that too though). Part of this was my yearning for more structure – my Dad home educated me and he likes structure a lot less than I do – but I learned to create enough of my own.
I never studied by a curriculum, though I wouldn't say I was quite unschooled. I learned what was interesting and relevant. We travelled, took field trips, joined lessons and clubs, read a lot of good books, and just…existed.
When I finally began attending highschool part time in grade 10 (the first year of highschool here), I threw myself into it. Joined choir, went to the dances, took some cores and some options…and after a year of that, I was done. The dances were boring. I hadn't found any friends I really clicked with. The classes were taking up all my time and I didn't have time to really LEARN anything anymore (up till grade 9, I estimate I spent an AVERAGE of maybe an hour a day on 'book work'. In Grade 10, I was suddenly spending 3 hours a day on bookwork! Every day!). I still went to school part time for grade 11, but I had 'booked out'. It wasn't a bad experience. Just…boring. Grade 12, I decided to take some online courses so I would be eligible for a bunch of scholarships that are marks-based. That was a good experience, but certainly not fun!
The point of all this? I didn't miss out on anything. I didn't miss out on the curriculum – I have consistently made the honour roll and gotten top marks in everything I've tried. I didn't miss out on a social life – that I gained by attending homeschool swimming lessons and summer camps. I do think school was valuable though. I learned how to take tests, how to 'work the system', and I learned what everybody thought was such a big deal.
Am I glad I homeschooled? Absolutely! Am I glad I tried school? Yes – but I'm glad I didn't try it till grade 10, and I'm glad it was my choice, one that I didn't have to stick to if I hated it.
I do know some homeschoolers who were very strange. I also know homeschoolers who are very well adjusted. When looking at homeschooled kids, you have to remember that some of them were taken out of school because they couldn't handle it socially. The rest learn (I believe) healthy social skills by interacting with a wide age range and ability range of people.
All that said, homeschooling isn't for everybody. Sometimes both parents have to work. Sometimes kids and parents (sadly) wouldn't get along well enough to homeschool. And some kids just really seem to love school!
Us homeschooled kids really can turn out 'normal' and even very successful. The university I go to actually WANTS homeschooled kids, because they tend (overall) to be self-motivated. That's the biggest thing for me.
Home education made me curious.
Teresa On Thursday, December 9 at 7:20 pm
Just one further comment, in response to Mommio:
I really don't think new points need to be made for or against home education. I'm glad that your children are so well-adjusted and you had such a good school experience! School can do a lot of wonderful things. So can homeschooling.
There are a lot of pitfalls to schooling. There are a lot of pitfalls to homeschooling.
Whatever method of education you choose for your children, it has to fit with your lifestyles, your personalities, and the types of experiences you think are important.
Please don't judge all homeschoolers based on one family, and I won't judge all schoolers based on one family
As I said above, my main fear with school is that it can kill curiosity. I'm really glad if it didn't for you. I know it started to for me, and I only spent two years as a half-time student (I don't even have a highschool diploma!)
Mommio On Monday, December 13 at 3:50 pm
I think a lot of people see today's elementary schools as the traditional lined up desks, teachers standing at the chalk board and lecturing all day, bored children staring out the window type of setting. I'm sure it's still that way in a lot of areas, but we have wonderful public schools with fresh teachers in my area. Today's cirriculum is all about cooperative learning, using different methods to reach all types of learners, and present students with opportunities to develop creativity and and a higher level of thinking. That is the type of classroom I want to create for my future students. I just find it interesting to read anything concerning the great school/home debate. I'm glad it works for some! I'm not judging homeschooling by any means, and I'm not basing my thoughts on one family. That was just one example. My biggest concern with this forum and countless others I've read, is that it seems like everyone says "I" didn't so well in school, or "I" was bullied in school, or even "I" hated school social events, therefore we have chosen to homeschool. It seems to me that many people choose to do this based on their own personal experience and not their children. I have many many examples like the playground, involvoing several homeschool families I have encountered. When I go into a school classroom for my classes, I see happy thriving kids, that are socially active and truely enjoying school and life, but at church, soccer, scouts, and on the playground I see kids that are afraid of what they don't know. I see kids that can't handle adversity, or just fail to join in at all. Here's another example. Our soccer team is composed of kids from all over the county. They do not all attend school together, and none of the kids on our team even knew one another. We had one homeschooled child on the team. He was the least social of the bunch and, in turn, the other children didn't really want to be around him. My son sort of took him under his wing, but that's becuase I have taught him that we accept all people and should be kind to everyone. I actually felt sorry for him, but on a postitive note his mom said he was on a 4th grade reading level in 2nd grade. My son is too. Even she said that she was picked on in school and didn't want that for her own kids, but it seems counterproductive because he was getting picked on anyway during his social activities. I guess, since I have chosen not to school that way, I'll never truely understand it. I can only base my decisions on what I have seen first hand from both sides of the spectrum. I feel like it's not the social issues that the kids miss out on, but on learning to work as team, to argue for an idea in a positive way, and to solve social problems that arise among children.
Kyle On Saturday, December 11 at 12:18 pm
As a homeschool alumnus myself, I no longer feel that I missed out. I often felt that way as a child, but growing older gives new perspectives on the real value of things.
Mumsy On Monday, January 3 at 4:44 pm
My oldest is 23 and fighting in Afghanistan right now, my youngest is 17 and a junior in highschool, my middle child, the one with the off the chart IQ level is 19 and delivering pizza as a job. One of our church members and a school teacher recently said to me,"But he's so much better than that." Well not sure what that is supposed to mean but he told us that he doesn't yet know what he wants for the future and doesn't feel like wasting $30,000 dollars a year whilst he figures out his direction.
All that being said my one regret in raising my children may be that I didn't homeschool. I thought as a perfectionist I'd be horrible at it, I think I was wrong. I hated the end of every summer, Christmas and Easter vacation (excuse me winter and spring breaks). I gritted my teeth everytime the school referred to themselves as a part of my childrens family. No they were not, they were paid employees. And I really came to detest that attitude put forth by the government and Hollywood that teachers are heroes. unless they are working in a war zone and still doing an excellent job they are just people getting paid to do a job. We have had contact with a few good teachers, a few incredibly bad ones ( if they'd been employed in any private sector job and they were that bad at it they would've been fired), but mostly just incredibly indifferent mediocre people who went into teaching for the wrong reasons. And I regret leaving my children in a place where the mediocre and the bad far outnumbered the good let alone the great teachers. Also if your children go to highschool be aware that they will be spending 6-10 hours a day with people who may have completely different moral, religious and political beliefs from you. People who are free to tell your children that their parents political beliefs are wrong, whilst pushing their agenda. Yup I regret not homeschooling my children, what's really telling though is that everyone of my kids has said that they wish they'd been homeschooled and that they will probably home school their future children.
Kim On Sunday, January 9 at 2:18 pm
So encouraged by this conversation… thank you!
For the past fifteen plus years I have not only been home schooling my four children—one who is now a thriving college junior—but I have been operating a home school co-operative of sorts, developing curriculum, and raising my educator's voice that protecting and promoting individuality is worth a fight.
Last summer I raced to the theater to see Waiting for Superman. Sitting in the dark I couldn't gobble a single piece of popcorn, not a solitary M&M. I choked back tears from the opening scene through the credits. With each sob I was reminded of the ultimate reason my day job has taken on this particular shape.
When I first saw the trailer, Sherman Alexie's essay, "Superman and Me" came to mind. After viewing the film, a connection emerged. When Waiting for Superman reminds us that an overwhelming majority of children are "not accepted" to successful public schools and leaves our hope dashed, "Superman and Me" picks up the pieces reminding us that the system cannot stop the individual from picking up a book, from doing the work of developing a personal academic habit. Here's a bit of my musings:
The reality is that there are wide-open plains outside of the system waiting for Lewis and Clark—perhaps the sequel? What about Reform Lewis and Clark style, hmmm, a voyage of discovery. Yes!
As an educator, I for one realized a long time ago I couldn't wait for Superman any longer. So I encourage the forty plus students in my home school co-operative to slip on Superman's suit before they begin each day reminding them Alexie style, "The suit will save your life!"
So last week I had a good friend confess that she is concerned for her daughter's well being, is considering alternatives for high school. After a long conversation she came to this, "What if I damage my daughter if I don't send her to the local public school with all her friends?"
I remind her that I asked myself that same question as I grappled with the choice to home school my daughter through high school.
My daughter missed prom and all the other public school social rites of passage. As a musician, she missed out on being part of musical ensembles. My daughter missed out on musical theater. This perceived loss not only tugged at my heart strings, but often haunted me, "What if this is the wrong decision?" I allowed myself to go there only for a split second when the fear arose, reminding myself to rephrase the question: What has Hannah gained through the home school experience that might have been sacrificed?"
You can read the rest of story here:
KRG On Thursday, January 13 at 5:33 am
Where are all the homeschooliong fathers? Why is it only moms who seem to comment here? I don't know much about this subject but am curious as to the percentage of dads who are the primary teachers and moms who work outside the home.
Christine On Monday, January 17 at 6:35 am
I have three children, two with special needs, permanent hearing loss and learning disabilities. They have went to public schools since 5, and I have worked at the same school as a paraprofessional (teacher's assistant) for the past three years. I have worked with wonderful teachers that truly care for the children, but with funding and the forever changing government regulations these same teachers' hands are becoming tied.
I am seeing class sizes that are too large and chaotic, less funding for the school system, and teachers that are becoming frustrated. They are not frustrated with the children by any means, but by the regulations that they must follow, and class sizes that are way too big, and the thing is, it is not going to get any better.
Then, I must worry about my children with special needs becoming lost in the system once they enter middle school. Having to sit in classes that they do not understand, becoming frustrated, having to learn what the government considers to be their grade level. I also worry about the continuing growing government control of the public school system.
Not to mention the many children that I have seen in the past three years in various classes that come from extreme dysfunctional and abusive homes that have huge behavior problems that disrupt the class. Of course it is not the children's fault, but these same children are the ones that bring pornography to school, are abusive, and later on can possibly be a danger to my children and their classmates.
To me, it is not worth it. I wanted to become an elementary teacher myself, and am pursuing a degree to do so. I have nothing but the greatest respect and appreciation for the teachers that my children have had so far in their public school experience. Still, working in the school, and seeing the reality of it all, I have now decided to forgo a teaching career in the public school system, and instead teach my children at home.
My answer is for me and my children, the things that they may 'miss out on' are not worth the things that they must suffer through in the public school system.