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Sep 08 2011
How to Get Parents to Consider Homeschooling
Community Question is a category inspired by you. Here and there readers write in with questions that are better served by the varied, experiential knowledge of those who read and contribute in the comments.
The following question is from Pam C.
"For the past two years, we've been providing daycare for our granddaughter who just turned 4. This fall she starts her second year at an excellent church preschool, three days a week. She's an only child, so preschool has been a great way for her to make friends.
Meanwhile, back at Nana's house, I've been doing "stealth homeschooling." For the past year, I've been doing an informal and relaxed mix of things (introducing Sonlight, Math-U-See, Getty-Dubay handwriting). At first, I didn't call it homeschooling – partly because I didn't want to antagonize my daughter-in-law, to whom homeschooling is a completely foreign concept. This fall, I'm using the Sonlight 4/5 curriculum (and other things) – and, again, it will be relaxed because my granddaughter is with us only three or four days a week.
So – after this longwinded introduction! – my question is: How do I introduce the idea of homeschooling to my son and daughter-in-law? I'd like to continue to homeschool my granddaughter as she gets older, but next fall she'll be old enough for kindergarten, and I believe DIL will consider this the logical next step, with homeschooling just too strange a concept to consider. (The socialization debate rears its head again!)
I've had about 15 years of experience in the homeschooling community – helping a friend with her daughters, teaching in a coop, and so forth, as well as reading many blogs. I'm baffled about how to take someone from knowing nothing about homeschooling to seeing it as a positive option."
I'd love to hear comments from others about how to encourage parents to consider homeschooling.
197 Comments and 183 Replies
Home School Coach On Thursday, September 8 at 5:52 am
Think back to how you were introduced. Homeschooling is a foreign idea to most of us when we first start thinking about it. We know someone who is doing it, we read an article, we attend a forum or meeting of some kind and then we just begin to accept that this may be a possibility for us. Are there any ways that you can make this type of gradual introduction to your daughter in law?
How does your son feel? If you have been involved for over 15 years then surely your son has had some experience. He cannot be completely unaware of home school. How does he feel? Go to lunch and ask him. Because he is your son you can most likely introduce the idea without offending him. He may be able to give you some good insight into your daughter in law and where her feelings are on the school issue.
Even if they do not take to the idea this does not mean that you cannot influence her education in some powerful ways especially as you have her so often. If she does enter public school you may not need curriculum but you can read the classics, go on field trips and instill a love of learning in her heart. That is a huge gift.
I hope that you can accomplish the desire of your heart but if not then consider your alternatives. If you have a back up plan that feels workable before you begin your introduction to your daughter in law and son then you may come across in a more soft manner, less threatening to their position.
Because kindergarten is not a pivotal year in some peoples minds you may be able to get them to let you just school her for that year and then let them see how wonderful it can be and how many opportunities there are for socialization. I heard a wise and very successful home schooling mom say once that she home schools one year at a time. The decision never has to be forever. Just get the first year and see what happens. That is a less shocking proposal that asking them to let you educate their daughter for the next 18 years.
Good luck in you efforts. Above all respect them and their decision what ever it is, decide what you can do based on their decision and then move forward. I believe that relationships trump how a child is educated every time so be careful with this very important relationship.
Elizabeth On Thursday, September 8 at 10:14 am
Wow. I am so glad your comment was first, Home School Coach! So many others lost sight of the fact that the grandmother only wanted to present homeschooling as an idea, a possibility the her daughter in law may not have considered. Thank you for your thoughtful and complete answer.
Kristi On Thursday, September 8 at 12:59 pm
How about prayer. I have seen many a mom who were so set in their Public/Private school ways. "I would/could NEVER do that." That after much prayer, are now pulling their kiddos out of school to HS.
janahn On Friday, September 9 at 8:37 pm
Great answer homeschool coach. Just what I was thinking but could not have expressed so well! And great added comment on prayer too!
Kimi On Monday, December 5 at 12:13 pm
Ok, Homeschool Coach…
I LOVED your response! Now it's my turn for advice!! I posted this a couple of other places to see what responses I could get, but saw your response & knew I'd love to hear one from you on my situation… God Bless!
I don't know how to post a question on here or even if I can, so I'm just going to comment on here & hope someone reads it & responds. I'm a mom of a 15-month-old girl, Gabi Mae. I'm currently a teacher, but hope I'm able to stay home & homeschool when she's 4 or 5. I just wanted to know where to start. I went to public school, don't know anyone who homeschools, and have no idea where to even begin. I follow this website religiously, but haven't seen a post about getting started. I may have missed it because I just discovered this site a few months ago. Do any of you know of a posting about getting started? Curriculum for Kindergarten? Co-ops, homeschool groups- how do you find them? How pricey is it to homeschool? I know it can be as cheap or expensive as I make it, but I'd like to offer the best education I can afford with an extremely tight budget! Also… any advice for a working mom who earnestly longs to be home? I have a great job, but I want nothing more than to be home with my sweet baby girl before she's grown!! I'm a mom of 1 now, but I'm the kind of girl whose dream job has always been slaving over a hot stove while pregnant, hearing a few other youngsters laughing & playing in the background, the dishwasher, washer, & dryer running, all while the youngest is tugging on my apron for attention! Crazy, I know… but I'd love any advice on how to get there!! For now, we'll keep paying off debt, praying for God's will, & packing in as much time with Gabi Mae before & after working hours as possible!
By the way… I'm still a 2-space-after-a-sentence kinda gal too…
AmandaG On Thursday, September 8 at 5:56 am
I would honestly present it from a flexibility approach. Schools want kids to fit in a one size fits all box. You will be able to take your granddaughter no matter what if your son and DIL need to work. You will provide not only so much more flexibility in her learning so that she thrives, but also with their schedules. Also, with the lovely No Child Left Behind, teachers are honestly told to just "shoot for the middle." Depending on the teacher, it can really be mediocrity at its best. I would just ask your son and DIL to weigh all of their options, but let them know you're with them no matter what they decide. Even if they decide to send their daughter to public school for K, they may change their minds later.
Honestly, I have a 5th grader in public school, but I reevaluate the decision and think about homeschooling every year. Especially as I have a preschooler who will be off to K next year who really does not fit into their predetermined box. But as long as my kids are thriving in their educational environments, I leave it alone. If they weren't thriving, I would definitely make a change.
I'll admit I've never understood the socialization argument. My older son is always told to be quiet in school. Even at lunch now they don't want the kids talking too much because they only have so long to eat. And the structure is so rigid these days. Again, in the lunchroom, the kids must sit only with their class (at the elem level), and take the next seat available at the table, so they're not even necessarily sitting with their friends within the class. There also isn't room for freedom of thought or critical thinking skills. I wish I had taken a picture of the faces of the principal, guidance counselor, and teacher in the meeting where my husband said, "Well no wonder I get them as college students and they can't think for themselves!"
Sorry, I've digressed. I really need more caffeine this morning. I hope at least some of this made sense. I'd like to say, I wish we had you as one of our parents. Ours think I'm crazy any time I bring up the possibility of homeschooling my boys.
Audrey Sudderth On Thursday, September 8 at 8:43 am
"There also isn't room for freedom of thought or critical thinking skills. I wish I had taken a picture of the faces of the principal, guidance counselor, and teacher in the meeting where my husband said, "Well no wonder I get them as college students and they can't think for themselves!""
Hooray for your husband! I have been teaching first year composition in both universities and community colleges for several years, and I know EXACTLY where he is coming from.
Traci On Thursday, September 8 at 10:34 am
"My older son is always told to be quiet in school. Even at lunch now they don't want the kids talking too much because they only have so long to eat. And the structure is so rigid these days. Again, in the lunchroom, the kids must sit only with their class (at the elem level), and take the next seat available at the table, so they're not even necessarily sitting with their friends within the class. There also isn't room for freedom of thought or critical thinking skills."
Going to lunch with my daughter is so stressful to me for this very reason. They are constantly screaming at the kids to be quiet. It's awful. I asked a teacher if they have to sit and not talk when they are in the teachers lounge eating. I didn't get an answer. It's just an unrealistic expectation on anyone, especially a child.
Carolann On Thursday, September 8 at 10:52 am
I for one do not understand why people bash public schools so much. I live in the south, so I can only speak from what we have here,but, we have excellent public schools. They are not perfect, but my children have received wonderful public school educations. Yes, they do have to sit quietly in the line or lunch room. They can talk, but quietly talk. They must do this because, as we all know, because some children/adults refuse to obey the rules, so there is not total chaos all the time. My children have always been taught to think outside the box, at school and at home. The schools have had programs for the exceptionally smart kids and help for those who struggle in certain areas, whether one subject or all subjects. My kids have been exposed to advanced technology in the classroom at early ages. My kids knew how to do power points, excel spreadsheets and many other things, a long time before my husband and I did. (FYI, we are both college graduates with executive jobs) This year, one of my kids classes have iPads for every student. They have had wonderful opportunitites to participate in clubs, activities, & contest that they could not have been a part of if they were home schooled. These various activites and contest have afforded my kids to travel all across the United States and even to Europe. These trips were paid for mostly by the public school. Not only have they participated in these things, but they have grown as individuals in their abilities to speak in from of people and have the confidence that is needed to help them as young adults to interview for college and jobs. So, I do not think that public schools, where we live anyway, has a one size fits all mentality. Public schools have many children from many backgrounds. Some children are not fortunate to have parents that are willing and/or able to help them. Yes, teachers have to "shoot for the middle" on some things because of this. But, I have found that if the teachers know you expect more from your child and want them involved , there are things they can do. Especially when they get in the middle school and high school levels. This is when children can start taking advanced placement classes and be separated from those who want to/can learn and those who do not/can not learn at higher levels. So, please, do not suggest that all public school children are mediocre. My oldest child is in college on a very large scholarship, he graduated at the top his class and will be attending medical school after graduating. He learned critical thinking skills in public schools and he is very capable of thinking for himself.
We know some home schooled children who can not think for themselves, unless their parents are close by to give them the ok to make a decision. The homeschoolers we know do have a very flexible schedule. They "school" about 2-3 hours a day. Hmmm, how does that work? My kids sit in a classroom for 6-7 hours per day. Granted, I'm sure all is not instructional time, but is it really that "easy" to teach your kids chemistry, geometry, statistics, world history, foreign languages in 2 to 3 hours a day? I worry that people are so hung up on our children having flexibility, freedom of thought, and no accountability as far as test scores etc., that we will have a society of home schooled adults that feel the same way. As far as test scores, I know there are some very smart home schooled kids, but I also know so very behind home schooled kids. They are not up to par with their peers academically or socially for that matter. I just think there needs to be accountability. If you homeschool, you must score grade level or above, or you go to public school where you have trained people to teach your kids! My kids must be remediated if they do not score proficient on their test. Kids are so much smarter today than they were 30 years ago when I was in school. Things have changed and we must accept that, as parents, we may not know all subject matters enough to teach our children so they are , at least on a level playing field.
I have also observed that many of the home schooled kids I know have "learning disabilities". That's why they aren't up to grade level with their peers! I think their disabilities are only the lack of teaching they have received. They are capable, just not taught.
I know I will receive a lot of flax from this post, but I get really tired of people saying things about public schools that are not true. No, I have not ever home schooled, but I have plenty of friends that have/do and I see how their kids interact with others and their level of quality education – it is far below my kids. I am not putting my kids on a pedestal by any means, but just stating the facts. When you are in high school and you read like a middle school kid, there is a problem.
Yes, my kids are exposed to many "evils" at school. But, the world is full of evils. When my oldest went off to college, he was not pulled into the evils, because we had taught him the right ways, spiritually and morally. He knew how stupid drinking and acting irresponsibly was because he had seen others at school suffer the consequences of participating in these things. As much as we would like to, we can not shelter our kids forever. I would rather them experience being around some of the evils while they are living at home and I can still reign them in, than when they get to be adults and are exposed to such things and don't know how to handle the situations at hand.
I am not bashing home schoolers, but just voicing my concerns. To each their own. Ay we all be making the best choices for our children and may they all grow up to live to be successful citizens in this wonderful world God has given us.
Maria On Thursday, September 8 at 11:14 am
Wow, Carolann, way to hit on ALL the homeschooling stereo types. Not adamant enough about school? Check. Bad test scores? Check. Below par in school and social life? Check. Know absolutely nothing about sex, drugs, drinking etc.? Check. You must be exposed to a very limited group of homeschoolers to believe all of these stereo types. As a homeschooler myself, I am very offended that you apply what you know about these homeschoolers to ALL homeschoolers.
Reba On Thursday, September 8 at 11:16 am
In response to Carolann-
I am so glad that you have such good schools! I completely agree with the fact that there is a wide range of quality in both public and home school education. I, too, know some homeschoolers who are behind their peers and some public schoolers who are ahead and thriving. You are so blessed to be in a community that has such a wonderful school system. I was not in such a community. My parents scrounged for years to send my sister and me to private school, but the money ran out at one point and I spent high school at an inner city public school in MI. This school was no horrible- we had some really dedicated teachers and some that were obviously worn out. The school did not have an excess of money to spend on technology (or on teachers' pay) and as an observant teen, I could see how the politics of the school made it very difficult to keep the education stable and admirable. This made me admire the few teachers that excelled even more.
As a soon to be parent whose life has not settled yet (my husband is a physics professor but has not found a tenure track position yet, so we often move), my opinion on home school vs. public is still not firm. It all depends on the school system into which we fall when our child reaches school age. If we can find a system as good as the one your children had, we will probably not home school, except supplementary. But I will say that having lived in several different communities in several different states in several different regions in the US, most schools are not as good as the one to which you belong- making me lean more and more toward home schooling.
I hope you don't feel that we all bash public schools here. I think each parent just speaks as they find- most schools are suffering a lot now and many parents notice. It is not a slam on all public schools, just the ones to which their children would be forced to attend because of their local.
Laura75 On Thursday, September 8 at 11:29 am
Carolann, VERY well said!!
Alicia On Thursday, September 8 at 11:52 am
Carolann, I COMPLETELY agree with you. I teach English composition (both regular and remedial) to college freshmen, and I have yet to teach a home-schooled student who did not suffer their first few semesters of college as a direct result to being home-schooled. One of my students last year completely freaked out. He actually told me he had no idea how to schedule his time because he didn't have to while being home-schooled.
Now, of course the public and private schoolers also struggle with their first year of college, but I'm just saying that I've yet to see a well adjusted home-schooler in my own classrooms.
To answer the original question, I don't think there is any way to address the issue without possibly stepping on some toes. You can be as gentle with suggesting the idea as possible, just be gracious enough to back down when your DIL and son decide otherwise.
Anna On Thursday, September 8 at 12:43 pm
Bravo, Carolann! Public, private, and homeschooling all have pros and cons. The idea that any one is always superior for every child and every family is ridiculous; it is up to parents to make the best decision for their situation. No schooling option will be perfect all the time, but that's just life, and children have to learn that, too. My sister and I went to public school (also in the South) and loved it–no, not every day, but most of the time. I got a great education, learned to deal with a range of situations, and met my husband there. Some public schools are terrible; I know that's true. Homeschooling can also be great or not so great; I've seen both. Parents have to make the best decision for their situation, and then they deserve the respect and support of their extended family.
MOV On Thursday, September 8 at 2:10 pm
Yes, brava, Carolann! I agree with everything you said. Well-put, and very insightful.
And how CAN all that schooling at home be condensed into only 2–3 hours? I always wondered about that………
Tessa On Thursday, September 8 at 4:46 pm
As a univeristy professor, I can see a lot of truth in Carolyn's response. There are kids that do very well after homeschooling but I've seen a number struggle quite a bit. I think it's definitely a personal choice. It also depends on how prepared you feel to teach subjects. My husband and I are both PhDs and teach at a major university. I wouldn't dream of trying to teach my highschooler at the level she needs for college. I just don't have the expertise in all the subjects to do it.
JoMom On Thursday, September 8 at 5:25 pm
Carolann, you certainly come across as "bashing homeschoolers". It appears that you have not met the kind of homeschoolers I know. Let me introduce myself.
I am public school educated, and well I might add. I was an analytical chemist before becoming a mom. I have a BS degree from a reputable school…I have academic awards from said school. You will never hear me say that all public school kids are mediocre.
However, I am also a homeschooling mom to one precocious 7 year old boy. We live in a great school district, however I choose to school him myself. Do I think I know enough to teach him. Most definately yes! That which I have forgotten from my school days, I learn along side him because I research and buy awesome curriculum. Most of the homeschoolers I know are cut from this same cloth
Do we school 2-3 hours a day? Yes — and we cover plenty:
Math – Singapore 3A and B
Grammar – First Language Lessons (level 3)
Reading – A Beka (grade 3)
Cursive – Handwriting without Tears (level 4)
History – Story of the World (level 2 – Medieval World History)
Science – R.E.A.L. Science Odyssey CHEMISTRY
Geography – Down to Earth Geography (grade 3)
Latin – Prima Latina
Spelling – Sequential Spelling (level 2)
Art – Usborne Art Treasury
Music – Teaching Children Music
Bible – We're studying through Proverbs this year.
He plays competitive hockey, plays at the park with his multi-age buddies at least twice a week, participates in a Geography Club, and like most other boys his age is obsessed with Legos, spies, and Star Wars. He is an awesome guy, gets along easily with others, and it gets me super defensive to hear people spout off in the manner you just have. That is all.
Ronda On Thursday, September 8 at 7:53 pm
As a homeschooling parent, to be honest, I'm frightened and confused by people who do school in 2-3 hours. My son's in 7th grade (at home) and we usually have 7-9 hours of school work…and I grade everything…and if he doesn't complete something or if it's bad, he gets either a 0 or a bad grade reflecting the lack of effort that went into it. Granted, he's taking on four foreign languages, and i ask him to put in 30 minutes to an hour each day on each language. We also do theater (he's in a play), activities with the local homeschooling group, and he wants to do fencing and he wants to volunteer for the local humane society. He also does odd jobs for people in our neighborhood (gardening, mowing lawns, walking dogs, babysitting, etc.)
As someone who graded papers from seniors in college where people could not string together sentences, I'm afraid! Who is going to write contracts, ad copy, textbooks, etc. when our current generations fade out? It doesn't matter what method parents choose for education, if we're not holding children to high standards, then we're setting ourselves up as a country to fail. It seems like we've become very complacent and accepting of mediocrity as a whole.
Karol Ann On Thursday, September 8 at 10:33 pm
After teaching kindergarten for two years in a class with 18 5 year olds, I think you have to weigh your family values and what you hope your granddaughter receives in terms of attention and being challenged at her level. I will agree with one of the posts that said teachers are taught to aim for the middle. As sad as it is, this has to be the case in a class with so many different needs, levels and home environment issues. As much as I would have liked to give each student equal time, my above level students suffered because I had to spend so much time with the below level students. And, we have what I feel are great schools- teachers and administration who love their jobs and do their very best to give each child what they need. So many people think that teaching is an easy job because you get 3 months off in the summer, but you are trying to meet the needs of 18-22 children, managing behavior, keeping them engaged, and meeting their individual needs all at the same time. So the bottom line, in my humble opinion, is your child only gets one opportunity for education and you don't get a do over. Teachers in public school get to startover with a new class each year. You have the opportunity to mold and shape your granddaughter/child and tailor her education to only her knowing that she is getting what she needs. And, homeschooling doesn't have to be forever, or every year. I think you have to do what is best for the child- will they thrive in this environment or would they be better suited in a more structured environment like public school. My son has always been in public school and is self motivated and bright. He has always done well. My daughter, on the other hand, has some emotional struggles and ADD issues that I feel are better service at home. So ll that to say- best of luck and I hope your son and DIL will at least give it some thought.
Jeanette On Friday, September 9 at 7:25 am
Carol Ann…did you ever stop to think that many mothers homeschool their children BECAUSE they have a learning "disability"?
My son's teachers pushed to have him put on meds for ADD. (Illegal, I now know.) Since we started homeschooling he has a much easier time focusing and getting work done on a timely basis.
Diane On Friday, September 9 at 9:16 am
This is in response to the college and university professors that are commenting that the homeschoolers in their experience have NOT been prepared for the workload and level of knowledge needed. My question to you is…How many traditionally educated students are THAT prepared? I venture to say a good many of those students are not prepared either, yet you are not condemning that approach. I do not believe that their is in single right way to educate every child. Further, if anyone reading this TRULY believes that there is only one correct way to educate…they probably have NO experience with children whatsoever.
trishie On Friday, September 9 at 9:22 am
for carolann-
WOW! thank you for putting everything i was thinking into a great response! i appreciate what you wrote! thank you again….
briet.d. On Friday, September 9 at 9:41 am
Carol-ann: you seem very blessed to have such a good school district! Unfortunately, I believe, yours must be above average. I have been very blessed to have been put in very different schooling environments, and depending on where you live and finances, home schooling vs public schooling vs private is a huge decision. I grew upon a Minneapolis suburb and went to public school until I was 15.. No complaints, but not like what you described. Then I was blessed to go to a very small private school where every teacher HD a Ph.d. in the field being taught. Best opportunity of my life. Then my senior year I went back to the public school system in the Minneapolis suburbs. My private school education gave me a step up on the public school, but no complaints towards the public schools still. Then I attended a public university, but married a man from a very rural part of Mississippi And I am now facing big issues on what to do for my future kids. The public schools here are awful! There is constant corruption in the school finances, lowest test scores in the country. Teachers have to pay for their own copies of basic work sheets. Fights, school lock Downs. It is very difficult to even consider it as an option. But private schools here cost more a year than college tuition at Mississippi state university! ! And it is hard to imagine doing that for 12 years. Also, because I don't feel like the education is as good as the public school education I received in Minnesota, so it is hard to justify paying that muc. Therefore, I am very much leaning towards homeschooling. Basically, everyone has different situations. A parent has to decide what is best. I wish I had a public school option like you described. But my home town public school is no where near that : ( ( please excuse my errors, I am typing in a phone that is very frustrating, and makes proof reading annoying. )
Jennifer Busick On Friday, September 9 at 10:54 am
Heh. My husband is a college professor, too. In fact, his school trains more schoolteachers than any other college or university in our state. And it is one of the major reasons we homeschool. He gets these young people in droves who can't read fluently, write a coherent sentence, or sustain a logical argument, and then has to send them out as "teachers." It's horrifying to him, on a daily basis.
We homeschool.
D On Friday, September 9 at 12:11 pm
To Carolann, Alicia, and others who know homeschoolers who seem to have educational and social adjustment gaps: I wonder if you know any publicly or privately schooled kids with similar gaps? I know that I do. I find it sad that some feel "bashed" by the other side, and then feel the need to "correct" the other side. Don't we all have the same goal? To educate our children in a safe, nurturing environment? I wish we could support one another graciously, instead of becoming defensive. My husband and I have homeschooled our children for over 15 years. Our oldest, who was homeschooled all the way through K-12 (he did take some classes at a local college in high school) is a sophomore in college now, earning Dean's list every semester so far. He did have adjustment issues with college life, but no more than any other freshman. Alicia speaks of teaching composition, both regular and remedial. The remedial classes are not offered strictly to homeschooled students, are they? As a freshman, our son and all of his classmates were required to take an english composition class. I was told by college administrators that this particular class was required because nearly 90% of incoming freshman are ill-equipped to write at the college level. Since less than 1% of the freshman at this particular college are homeschoolers, I have to assume the class is offered because at least some publicly and privately schooled students are coming in with deficiencies in writing. My son was told by his professor in that particular class, that he should be teaching the class, not taking it. In my experience, my son is not an overly exceptional homeschooled student. He, in fact, scored lower than many of his homeschooled friends on the ACT. All are excelling in college, both socially and academically. He has privately schooled friends who are not faring well at all in college. I do know homeschooled students who are below grade level in accomplishment. One has Down's Syndrome, one has Tourettes, another has been diagnosed with slower mental abilities and was removed from the public school by his parents because of daily bullying he endured because he is disabled. We belong to a local social group with this child and I have been told repeatedly by the organizers (who are not homeschoolers) that my children are the only ones in the group who are kind to this child. My point is that there is diversity of ability and accomplishment whether the student learns at home or at a public or private school. Making generalizations based upon your own limited experience doesn't help anyone. It only hurts and divides.
Jodi R On Friday, September 9 at 2:01 pm
Carol Ann,
I just moved back to Ohio from Texas where my son attended public schools. Not all schools in the south are good. Texas has horrible schools. They are very behind most of the rest of the country. The states with the worst ratings for schools are predominantly in the south. There are exceptons, I am sure, but the numbers don't lie.
I did strict homeschooling last year, and this year my son is doing schooling online. You wonder how kids can learn in two to three hours a day? When ther is only one or several children to teach, they get a lot of individual instruction and can move at their own pace rather than having to wait for others to finish up before moving on. Also, most homeschooling parents tend to turn everything into a learnign opportunity. While their frmal learning may only be a few hours a day, they are being taught far more in terms of time than their public school counterparts.
I don't know what types of homeschooled children you have met, but while I have seen a few who care not well adjusted (just as there are puvlic and private school kids who are not, either) the vast majority are well-spoken and far ahead of their peers in academics. And we tend to socialize our kids a lot. My won son has at least two or more clubs or groups he is involved with every week, and he plays with his friends all the time. We tend to have them involved in more things than their public school peers because we have to combat stereotypes. When he was in public school, he was bullied terribly and wound up with a broken hand because the staff didn't take his complaints about bullying seriously.
People homeschool for many reasons, and not all of us are devoutlly religious. I'm far from religious. Some children work better in a more casual environment. Some families wish to be able to travel with their kids. Some parents want to be able to control the cirriculum their children are being taught. Whether kids are taught at home or in a school building, we all do what is best for our families.
We are not sitting here judging anyone for their decision to send their children to public or private schools. Please, don't judge our decisions to school our children from home.
Aimee On Friday, September 9 at 2:56 pm
Wow. That's all I have to say. I do not see many people on this site bash public schooling. Most are pretty open minded about what is best for each individual family. I do home school my 3 children who are in 4th, 6th, and 12th. On the 2-3 hour days-it really depends on the day. Our Mondays are very long due to instructions but my kids can accomplish school in about 4 hours when they really put their mind to it. They do not have a time where they change classes, they do not have to wait on a teacher to quiet the class down and then wait on questions that others have. That is why school is faster for us. As far as the home school college kids, I know many, many University professors and they have had nothing but positive to say about home school children. Most of them (the students) are so used to figuring their work out on their own without any help (because I will be the first to admit I have no clue what physics is even about!) that they adjust very well. Most of the home school kids in our co-op graduate a year early with 20 hours of college already under their belt. I'm sorry that the professors who posted on here do not have the joy of having them as students! My oldest daughter actually came out of the school system last year mid way through her jr. year. She will be the first to tell you that she feels she is learning so much more now. Is it because I am a better teacher? Nope! It's because she is motivated to now work harder because we do not have 300 other students to focus on. That does not mean that our school system here is not good. It was just not good for her. All of my kids best friends are in public school and they could care less about where they go to school. I think it's all about the parents trying to one up each other when it comes to their kids. We all need to accept that God made each of families different and each family member different. We need to stand united for our children and make sure that they all grow up to be Godly, productive adults regardless of where they attended school. And that's all this Southern home schooling mommy wrote!
Jill On Friday, September 9 at 3:18 pm
Yes, thank you, D! I have homeschooled my two children all the way through and my daughter, who is a freshman at Baylor University (on academic scholarship) is doing great (son is 11th grade)! As far as composition goes, on the first essay she turned in for her English class, her professor wrote on the bottom, "I hope you are an English major!" Although she begged a few times during her teen years to be placed in a public or private school (neither were good options for us, as the local public school was very poor and the private school our of our price range), she now is determined to someday homeschool her own children. She says she is shocked at how much better prepared she is for college than many of the other students in her classes. Being homeschooled, she wasn't sure how she compared with others her age academically, but has been pleasantly surprised to learn that she is more prepared than most. I am not a professional educator (I don't even have a bachelor's degree, though I did attend college for 3 years), but I did choose our curriculum carefully (The Well Trained Mind for elementary and middle school and Sonlight for high school) and we put a reasonable amount of effort into school. I can't imagine finishing school in 2-3 hours at a high school level–it usually takes most of a day for us. I just wanted to also balance the concerns of those who seem to doubt the capacity for homeschooling to adequately prepare students for college.
Talon On Friday, September 9 at 4:40 pm
Carolann…I went to an excellent public school. I attended the same schools with the same kids from pre-school through graduation. I was active in sports, band, drama, forensics…ect.
I also had several undiagnosed learning disabilities that went undiagnosed because I scored so highly on standardized tests and did SOME things so exceptionally well that I was always in the Gifted program. And that was fine, for reading, reading comprehension, writing, geography, history, most science…but math…let me put it this way. I got put in an advanced math class because I was one of the first students to memorize the multiplication tables. In the advanced class, we were introduced to geometry, and I discovered my inability to draw a straight line, use formulas (mind this was in 4th grade) or really understand what was going on. I didn't understand long division until I was well into adulthood, and didn't realize multiplication was an adding short-cut until I'd almost graduated. Because of my high test scores, and obvious intelligence, my failures in math and sciences that required higher math (chemistry, physics) it was chalked up to my "Not working to potential." (This is why my husband teaches her math after fractions. I rock fractions, but decimals trigger my dyscalculia)
For the most part, I loved school, and likely if I lived where I did when I went to school, I'd send my daughter to those schools. I know the district. I know the teachers. And I know how highly rated those school are in the state and country. I also know they're a minority. So we homeschool. She's far advanced in some areas, and at level for others, and behind in others. Just like I was in public schools. The difference is, we know where her levels are at, where her problems are, and how to teach her so she can understand them, and not burst into tears because she's tried and tried to understand and asked teachers and the school counselors, vice principal and principal for help and not gotten it, because she "isn't working up to potential."
I'm so one sided, my learning disabilities were so specific that I took the Advanced Placement English exam and got a 4 on it, meaning I SKIPPED all the required english and comp courses for college and got credit for them. But my fear of math was so great that I never took the ACT's or the SAT's. It was too much for me to even comprehend. I don't want my daughter to have to make that choice. She has many of the same disabilities I do; High functioning Aspergers, mild dyslexia, a little OCD(hers is more pronounced) and sheer stubbornness. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to share my discalucula. She gets right to the THEORY behind the math and has since she was little. Because she's so interested in what math can do and not actually DOING it, she's a little behind. And between her Aspergers and dyslexia, her handwriting suffers the same as mine and my brothers do, but worse because of her need for everything to be just so.
Will she be ready for college? Someday. I'm 37 and though I took classes after high school, I was in NO WAY prepared for college. My husband has a B.A. that he got while working full time. But he wasn't prepared for college until long after he'd come home from serving his country in the Army. Public school didn't prepare him either. *shrug* She takes various classes outside of the home, and we work with professionals and with our own experiences. If she wants to go to college, she'll be ready. If she doesn't, she'll be prepared to live and work in the real world. Either way we're confident we're doing right by her. And that's all ANY parent should be concerned about, in the end.
Laura W On Friday, September 9 at 6:10 pm
I just want to address the comment (not sure who said it) that suggested that if our kids do not perform at grade level on standard tests we should have to put them in the public school the next year. It's called Parental Rights (and yes, I support the Parental Rights Amendment to the Constitution). I'm the parent. I know what's best for my children. Not the government!
Also, many homeschooled children (especially boys) start out slow because parents understand that those children are not ready to "do" school on a daily basis. They generally catch up by the time they hit high school.
Charity On Friday, September 9 at 11:14 pm
Alicia, in reply to your comment that you "have yet to teach a homeschooled student who did not suffer," etc. —
When I was in college, the fashion club (of which I was co-founder) was having an officers meeting at the local pizza place. Somehow in the course of the conversation, one of the officers mentioned that she had been homeschooled, but didn't ever discuss it because people always viewed her differently if they knew. "Yeah, me too," said one of the others. And by the end of the conversation, it came to light that four of the five officers had been homeschooled. And all of us kept it under wraps — none of us ever suspected that any of the others were homeschooled. I think maybe three of my professors ever knew I had been homeschooled — and that's just because I mentioned it. So you're not noticing that every homeschooled student has issues — you're only noticing the homeschooled students that have issues.
(Just two cents' worth from a former homeschooled student who "adjusted" better than many of her public school friends, and who was yearbook editor, co-founder and vice-president of a departmental club, won the most prestigious award offered by her department, and graduated as valedictorian.)
Mary Pat On Friday, September 9 at 11:20 pm
To Jennifer…I would guess than that your husband isn't a very good teacher if he cannot see to it that the teachers he sends out aren't trained properly first.
D On Sunday, September 11 at 8:38 am
Mary Pat, I'm teaching a class on logical fallacies to the children in our homeschool cooperative this year. Thank you for the real life example of an ad hominem logical fallacy.
Liz On Friday, September 16 at 12:06 pm
Gee, I wish I lived where you do! The elementary school my daughter is zoned for is graded as a "D" school by the state. Not a big surprise when a third grade girl recently reported being sexually abused by several third grade boys, IN HER CLASSROOM! Why didn't the teacher notice? Oh, he was playing videogames on his computer.
My child is required to be tested yearly & always scores at least one grade level above the national average in every subject, two & three years above our state level. I have 5 friends who homeschool, three of which have high school age children who are enrolled in college level classes at our local college. The youngest is 15 & just got back her first paper from Comp 1. She scored a 158 out of 160 so I don't think there is any isue with being taught to correctly read, write, etc. None of these three kids have had to take any remedial "pre-college" classes either! They take the same placement test as incoming students with a high-school diploma. At our local college over 50% of incoming freshman have to take at least 1 non-credit remedial class.
I live in a major city (we have an NFL, NHL & MLB team) where just yesterday two schools had to be "combined" because the antiquated water system at one backed up causing sewage in all the bathrooms & required that they turn the water off. So, they bus all the kids to the closest school & cram 50+ kids in each classroom. Whatever class they where in, that's where they stayed for the entire day, missing most of their classes & an entire day of learning. What was my daughter doing? She was at home learning how circuts & electricity work. I'll take homeschooling any day.
TJ On Thursday, September 8 at 6:01 am
Well, "stealth" homeschooling without asking or informing her parents was definitely a great first step. That will certainly make them feel more comfortable trusting you with the education of their child.
Jen On Thursday, September 8 at 8:50 am
AMEN! I find this whole premise offensive.
Brenda On Thursday, September 8 at 9:02 am
I agree — as a grandmother, I remind myself that (a) I already had the opportunity to raise my kids as I saw fit and this is not a do-over for me, and (b) I don't recall appreciating our parents interfering in our decisions. I also know that following those two simple guidelines, I am sharing a wonderful experience with those wonderful babies, and thire parents! Support, not subversion!
Farf On Thursday, September 8 at 9:42 am
Totally agree.
Mommaof10 On Thursday, September 8 at 10:00 am
This shouldn't be offensive. Every single parent is a stealth home schooler, whether they admit to it or not or whether they like it or not. That's inextricably built into the parent/child and grandparent/child relationships.
They taught their baby to crawl and walk and talk. They taught them their colors and shapes and letters. They teach them without even knowing it. And learning from one's parents and grandparents doesn't stop at some magic age of 4 or 5 which is legislated by the government and society.
Every parent and grandparent who has time with their grandchildren, teaches them by default just by being with them…..both good and bad. I commend this grandmother for using her time with her grandchild in a productive, positive way instead of sitting her down in front of a tv and letting the tv teach her.
Why is it offensive that a grandmother use a "curriculum" to teach her granddaughter? Its just a resource. She could easily have taught the same things without a curriculum. But it would still be teaching her grandchild. And that's a beautiful thing, not an offensive thing.
We need more grandmothers who care about and invest in their grandchildren like this grandmother does. Many blessings upon you, Grandma, for loving and caring for your granddaughter in such a commendable way!
Diana On Thursday, September 8 at 10:26 am
mommaof10, I agree! the above replies are hinting that homeschooling and caring for her grandchild are completely different – this is part of the problem with getting people to see it differently. I spent a lot of time with my grandma as a kid and she taught me tons of things – tying my shoes, watercoloring, folding clothes, writing letters, etc. I guess it's how it's approached or handled – if they are formal lessons that have been hidden from the parents, ya that's not the best idea . . . but if it's just doing a few fun Sonlight things (which are all fun) and a few Math U See games, kids love these and I can't imagine parents minding!
Jean On Thursday, September 8 at 10:31 am
I'm not an expert in the home schooling debate, but I do know something about the MIL/DIL relationship. You're on thin ice. Loosing the home schooling debate may be the least of your woes.
Pip On Thursday, September 8 at 10:39 am
Teaching a child concepts, vocabulary and basic skills is one thing. Using an actual program set up to use as a "look! look what i did!" for your DIL, is wrong. I have to think, what if you were using stealth bible study? or stealth atheist study? You are trying to mess with their parenting decisions (and THEY are the parents) while they trust you to care for their daughter.
If you have 15yrs experience, they know it. They are not blind to your homeschooling abilities, experience or opinions. I hope they are very patient, understanding people because anything less would bring a war to your home.
This isn't even about homeschooling, this is about forcing your opinion on someone else's child and parenting foundations.
andipandi On Thursday, September 8 at 10:54 am
I agree. It's really nice of grandma to take care of the grandkid, and there's nothing wrong with having some fun but educational projects, but going under the table and hiding it would make me wonder just what you were teaching my child. How can the mother (And Father!) approve the curriculum if she's being sneaky? How can they trust her?
If they were going to homeschool they would do it themselves. Back off grandma, before DIL finds other childcare and leaves you off in the cold.
Reba On Thursday, September 8 at 11:01 am
As a soon to be parent, I can see why one might feel that this grandmother was interfering without permission. But as a formal child of full-time working parents, I will tell you that every caregiver teaches the children for which they are caring. The fact that this grandmother chose to use curriculum means that she knows this fact and chose to be deliberate in her teaching methods. Most caregivers teach with no deliberation, which in my opinion is worse because things get taught that were never meant to be.
I was never homeschooled, but my first caregiver was aunt. She was deliberate in her teaching, although she didn't use curriculum, and I went into elementary school more prepared because she (and my mother on nights and weekends) taught me things they knew I should learn to be ahead. Later in elementary school, I was switched to a different care giver who taught me vice, dishonesty, laziness, and a few other choice morsels that my mother would be appalled to know. Many of these were taught without the "care giver" knowing or caring.
As for me, I know that if I do have to work and send my little one to be partly raised by someone else, I am giving them authority to teach, as well. This authority is automatic and is not something you can deny a caregiver. Either your child is being taught deliberately or flippantly. In choosing a care giver, the parents are responsible to find one that will teach and discipline their child in the same manner or philosophy that they themselves would. Sometimes there may seem that there is little choice, but the reality is that your child will learn from the one you do choose. Choose wisely and do not throw a fit if that caregiver does some deliberate teaching.
MOV On Thursday, September 8 at 2:16 pm
I agree with TJ and Jean! Amen!
Not everyone who clicks onto this website homeschools or is a staunch advocate of homeschooling. My husband and I are lucky to be in an area with fabulous public schools, so we send our sons there.
Mommaof10 On Thursday, September 8 at 4:53 pm
It is the term "stealth" that I believe is being taken out of context here. Stealth may not have been the best choice of words. My reading of the question takes the word "stealth" in a different light than a lot of y'all.
This grandma is doing what any grandma worth her salt would do. Not only is she caring for her granddaughter but she is teaching her something productive and useful as well. So many pay to have their children sent to daycare or school, or don't pay to have them sent to public school. Either way, they *expect* them to be taught by someone other than themselves, and not just wiling away the time in nothingness. Grandma is doing the right thing.
By "stealth" I believe she *really* means that she's been proactively (as opposed to letting whatever happens in life to be the lesson learned) teaching her granddaughter and her granddaughter is learning. She's invested in the mind of her granddaughter. There's nothing evil in that…..no evil intent. Its not that she's going behind her son and dil's backs. Learning happens every waking moment of every day. Using a curriculum, not using a curriculum, using the library, using the computer, is of no matter, no never mind. Any and all of those teaching and learning options are still that…….teaching and learning……on purpose or by default.
The method isn't the issue. She isn't going behind her son's back and teaching something that he might disagree with. She's teaching academics. A cry of protest would be rising had she NOT been using her time wisely with her granddaughter to teach her things to better her mind. Or would y'all rather that she set her daughter in front of Barney all day? THAT is still using a curriculum! Albeit a really poor choice of curriculum!
So, I recommend that the cry over the word "stealth" be put to rest and deal with the question at hand. How can she talk to her son and dil about the possibility of her homeschooling her granddaughter?
So, my first question to you, Grandma, is this. Are you a Christian and do you believe that the Bible is our source for the practices of life? Are your son and dil Christians and do they believe that the Scriptures are our instructions for our life practices?
If so, then I would go to them with Scripture such as as Deuteronomy 6, Psalm 78, Psalm 1 and the Proverbs that speak to wisdom, knowledge and understanding. Then I would ask them if they would allow you to home educate your granddaughter, their daughter, in order to best follow and practice those Scriptures in daily life.
If you are not a Christian, or they are not believers, then your appeal will be solely pragmatic. Your foundation for education and theirs may be totally different and thus you may very well come up with differing opinions. You can make your pragmatic cases to them, appealing to the superior education of a one on one tutor situation. You can appeal to the dangers in a school setting and the negatives of peer socialization that must be untaught by diligent parents if they care about the mind and behavior of their children. Amongst many other pragmatic appeals.
In the end, this little girl, her upbringing and her education, is the responsibility of her parents and their decision stands. If they choose to let you homeschool her, great! If not, then honor whatever their decision is and seize the opportunities that you have with her to love her and be a special part of her life. She will forever be grateful to you for your investment into her early years while she was in your care.
If Grandma's "stealth" activities in her granddaughter's life had been to introduce her to baking or cooking or making cookie cutters, there would have been no outcry, even though that is lifestyle learning. Grandma…..Kudos to you for loving your granddaughter and investing in her.
Maria L On Thursday, September 8 at 6:11 pm
I agree. You're really overstepping apropriate boundaries. I would have been furious if my MIL took it upon herself to introduce a curriculum without my consent.
Public school isn't prison. My son has had a great experience. I don't have any issues with good homeschoolers, but it's up to the parents, not the grandparentsn
army_wife On Thursday, September 8 at 8:58 pm
If I found out my mother-in-law was "stealth anything" with my kids, I'd be furious.
It's OK if Grandma wants to use her time with her grandkids teaching them something, but to deliberatly "stealth homeschool", with the intention of eventually forcing Grandma's opinion down Mom (and possibly Dad's) throat is WRONG. In-laws need to understand that these are their grandkids, not their OWN kids.
My advice to Grandma is to be very careful how you approach this subject with Mom and Dad. And if they say no, then their wishes need to be respected. I'd also suggest coming clean and being honest about the "stealth" homeschooling.
All that being said, I don't have a problem with homeschooling at all. I think the stereotype of homeschoolers not receiving a quality education is total bunk. Yeah, you have the odd homeschooling parent who does not put enough effort into their kids' education but I think for the most part that homeschooling families are VERY dedicated to helping their children meet their potential.
And many parents of special needs students choose to homeschool because the public school system was doing NOTHING to help their child learn or do anything at all.
I carefully considered homeschooling my kids for a long time and finally chose public schooling for the time being. If we could afford it, I would have put them in private school but that's life. I was public schooled and did not enjoy a lot of aspects of it.
Melanie On Friday, September 9 at 7:20 pm
I would not hear anything my MIL said clearly and in an unbiased fashion had she been sneaking her curriculum into my kids. I'm not up on the curriculum this grandma selected, it may be what I would choose myself, but the manner in which it was done would cause a major problem in my family. Grandparents have privileges and should respect boundaries. Parents are the ones to be held accountable for their children until they can be accountable for themselves.
Elizabeth On Friday, September 9 at 9:33 pm
Grandma is on a one-way ticket to ruining her relationship with her daughter-in-law. I am not commenting on homeschooling because that is the son and daughter-in-laws decision. They will choose what is right for their child. Grandma needs to step back and support whatever they decide.
It's great that Grandma has been teaching the child. It's not great that the teaching has had a hidden agenda with Grandma planning on assuming the role of home educator in the childs life.
For the sake of family dynamics, I think Grandma needs to back out of this quickly.
Pam C On Saturday, September 10 at 3:08 pm
The problem with email, blog, etc. is that it doesn't have facial expression or body language! Take a look at what Mommaof10 posted on Thursday, September 8 at 4:53 pm – and thanks! – she is right on track with what I was trying to say.
So – many apologies for using the red flag word "stealth." I was trying to express the idea that I was teaching the things that arise in everyday life – number concepts, writing, pre-reading skills, etc – not in any way trying to be sneaky about it (and sending home examples and talking about what we were learning) – just that I did not label it "homeschooling."
Home School Coach, thanks for your thoughts – some great ideas there.
Kris On Thursday, September 8 at 6:41 am
I have to laugh when people always seem to think that HS eliminates the possibility of socialization. There are plenty of opportunities to get your child socialized that don't involve a traditional school. 4-H is the first one I think of since all 3 of my children have been in 4-H since they were 5 and have loved it. There's also girl scouts, boy scouts and many other after-school activities they could join. Anytime you take the child out shopping, there's opportunities to socialize as well. I think the benefits of HS far outweigh the benefits of any traditional school setting. The best thing is helping to "steer" your child to better "friends". There are many less-than-desirable children I would NEVER want my children "hanging out" with.
GK in MI On Thursday, September 8 at 8:29 am
As a 4-H educator in Michigan, thank you Kris for mentioning the 4-H Youth Development program. Warms my heart!
Jill On Thursday, September 8 at 11:34 am
Yes, I agree. And as Susan Wise Bauer said so well in the chapter on socialization in The Well Trained Mind, when is it ever "normal" socialization to be placed with ONLY people your age for an entire day? Never again in life is that the norm, after we graduate. Normal socialization is in a family and community context, exactly the context that homeschooling takes place in. I've heard of well prepared homeschooling parents respond to the "socialization" question with something like, "Yes, exactly. I am very concerned about socialization, which is one of the reasons we homeschool."
Jan On Thursday, September 8 at 12:17 pm
Doesn't it strike you as a TINY BIT hypocritical to say, in essence, HS does not limit socialization . . . and then say "there are many less-than-desirable children" you would NEVER let your children socialize with? Seriously? You are judging children for your children. You are OBVIOUSLY limiting their socialization. Bury your head in the sand. Bury your kid's too. Judge and mock. Just watch out for karma.
Kristi On Thursday, September 8 at 1:02 pm
True dat Jill!!!
Maria L On Thursday, September 8 at 7:18 pm
Jan, you are absolutely right. That comment about socializing only within the family and immediate community reeks of snobbery. Or worse. My son, who attends an urban public school, had many friends who literally live on the "wrong" side of the tracks. These are kids we never would have met in our middle class professional life. It gives him a great perspective on the world.
Ashlee On Thursday, September 8 at 7:57 pm
In response to Jan,
"You are judging children for your children."
This is our job as parents.
Maria L. On Friday, September 9 at 11:36 am
Ashlee, it's our job to teach our children how to judge others for themselves.
Kimi P. On Friday, September 9 at 1:13 pm
Funny, I thought my job as a parent was to teach my son that he should not judge anyone…
Aimee On Friday, September 9 at 3:06 pm
Again, I have to say wow. Too much to comment on here. LOL I just told my son what was said in this thread (and he's in 6th grade) and his comment was " That's not true! We get to choose our own friends." Most of their friends our in our co-op but that's who they are around the most. Isn't that who your kids are friends with right? The kids they attend school with? We live in a neighborhood where home schooling is a foreign concept yet my kids play with them all the time. They come home upset over some of the things their friends may say but we just talk it through. I shelter my kids no more than I would if they were in public school. If they made a friend that we did not feel was "good" for them, we would monitor the friendship carefully and suggest they hang out at our house. If we say major problems, we would probably ask them to pull away from the friendship. As I write this I have to laugh for 2 reasons: 1-we are actually in the process of helping our oldest daughter not hang out with someone in our HOME SCHOOL group because it's not a good thing for them right now and 2-my 2 younger kids are anxiously awaiting the arrival of their PUBLIC SCHOOL friends to pick them up for a sleep over. Kids are kids wherever you go. How they act has a lot (not all) to do with the parenting they receive at home.
Skuba On Tuesday, September 13 at 9:25 am
My cousins were home schooled and are both painfully shy even around extended family but I think they are the exception and not the norm. As a public school graduate I would say that public school is in no way socializing you for the rest of your life. Since I left school never have I witnessed people knocking books out of people hands, picking fist fights, forcing people to kiss shoes etc. What I do think prepared me for my adult life is my Sister no one in the world knows how to push my buttons quite like her or loves me as much as her so you have to learn to cope and withhold reactions or your life will be miserable just like in a situation with a difficult adult you have to work with. So yes to shorten this up I have to say that I giggle a little when I hear people say that homeschooled children aren't socilized, they maybe missing something but it is not normal anyways.
Linda N. On Thursday, September 8 at 6:46 am
That's wonderful to supplement your grandchild's education with more at home. Everyone should do that. However, the article makes it sound like you find your DIL is wrong to want to send her daughter to the local school. Ultimately, she, and your son, are the parents and it's there decision!
RP On Thursday, September 8 at 7:01 am
I have to agree with Linda N.
I'm going to assume that you come from a good place and have good intentions, but, Nana, you need to be careful. You need to be ready to accept the fact that even if they consider homeschooling, they may decide they don't wish to homeschool their daughter. Just because you ask them to consider it, it doesn't mean they will ultimately come to the same conclusion as you. And you need to be ready to accept their decision.
Shannon D On Thursday, September 8 at 7:10 am
I completely agree with Linda and I think you'll find yourself in an undesirable position if you try to push or make her feel she's wrong. I would suggest talking to them one time about it. After that, the ball is in their court to do with as they choose.
Laura On Thursday, September 8 at 7:14 am
I agree. I think the grandma is overstepping her boundaries. The mom is in charge of parenting responsibilities, not the grandma; that includes making educational choices for her own daughter.
Does the mom even know that the grandma is teaching the granddaughter with various curricula?
Lindsay On Thursday, September 8 at 7:20 am
It is your son and daughter in law's decision. Is there a specific reason you think public schooling would be detrimental to your granddaughter? Most children do very well in public school. Particularly if you continue working on extra curriculum/carryover at home, I'll bet your granddaughter will thrive.
You can always bring up the subject with your daughter in law–Kindergarten is not required by law in many states, so it may be a good year to experiment–but if she opts not to, keep doing what you're doing. If your granddaughter struggles or is unhappy in school, that may present another opportunity to suggest homeschooling.
Whether children are in public school or home school, there are always opportunities for learning at home.
Jaimie On Thursday, September 8 at 7:31 am
I completely agree with Linda that this is not your decision to make. If you have been involved with homeschooling programs for 15 years your son (and DIL if it was recent) are already familiar with the concept of homeschooling. While homeschooling can have many advantages for children, traditional school settings can also be successful, particularly with parental involvement. Frankly, if my MIL did what you are doing with the "stealth homeschooling" I would be furious. You might have great curriculum. You might be teaching her wonderful things. Your granddaughter may love it. But you have no right to make decisions behind their back with regard to their child.
I think you need to take a good long look at why you believe homeschooling will benefit your granddaughter. It sounds like you have already made up your mind without any specifics to why homeschooling is better for your granddaughter, other than you want to do it. You need to critically evaluate the pros and cons of both homeschooling and traditional settings. Saying "the benefits of HS far outweigh the benefits of any traditional setting" makes me believe you haven't truly considered other options as most homeschoolers will agree that there are some traditional settings that can be very beneficial for some kids. If you can come up with an UNBIASED comparison where homeschooling is advantageous for your granddaughter when compared to the actual school that is the alternative, then that comparison is what you should articulate to your son and DIL.
jen On Thursday, September 8 at 7:52 am
I am 100% for homeschooling, but I agree with the statement that grandma is overstepping here. If I was your DIL I would no longer bring my child to you for regular babysitting. It is NOT your place to educate the child or to "stealth" home school. Your son and Daughter in law are the parents and you must respect them in their decisions to educate their child/children how they see fit. I'm assuming your son knows all about home schooling and if this is something he wanted for his child he would be introducing the topic to his wife.
Lesley On Thursday, September 8 at 8:14 am
I totally agree here. I would be pissed if my MIL brought up this suggestion and then would definitely not give it a chance just out of spite. It is for the parents to decide and learn about not the grandparents! This MIL is WAY out of place here and she needs to stop imemdiately!
carolina girl On Thursday, September 8 at 8:16 am
I agree, grandma is overstepping her bounds. The mother may think home schooling is good, but perhaps she wishes SHE could be the one to do it. Also, do you talk to other people about your opinion of how your granddaughter SHOULD be schooled? If so, I am sure the DIL views that as you criticizing her parenting skills. I know you mean well, but let the parents parent and you be the funnist grandma you can be! The granddaughter is lucky to have someone other than her parents love her well.
allysha On Thursday, September 8 at 8:31 am
Wow. It's admirable to be so concerned about your grandchild's education/future, but you are NOT the parent. I would be furious if my MIL did this, because it is ultimately none of her business. If you must, suggest gently and let it go at that.
The Farmer's Wife On Thursday, September 8 at 8:40 am
I agree. When you're the mother of a son, you're on shaky ground with the d.i.l. unless you've established something really special from the get go. Trying to manipulate their decision could lead to less time with your granddaughter than you already fear.
Anna On Thursday, September 8 at 8:40 am
We are homeschooling and agree that homeschooling can be better than traditional school, especially for above average students. However, I completely agree with Jaimie and Jen, if my MIL was educating my child behind my back I would be furious and I wouldn't take my child there anymore for babysitting. My parents and in-laws aren't completely on-board with our schooling decision, but it is OUR decision, not theirs. And I agree with Jen that if you son wants it, he would introduce it to his wife. In our case, my husband was for homeschooling a long time before I was, he just waited for me to decide after reading the information since I'm the one who does 99% of it (and I'm sure he prayed a lot).
Rebecca in OK On Thursday, September 8 at 8:41 am
I agree. Homeschooling is AWESOME, but it's ultimately the parents' decision. Your family dynamics could be affected for a long time if your son and daughter in law feel that they've been overstepped here.
The decision to HS or NOT to HS is so heavily weighed in on by those outside the home. Let Mom and Dad make the best choice for their daughter, and then respect that choice.
carole On Thursday, September 8 at 9:00 am
I am a homeschooler and I agree with Linda. The decision on education belongs to the parents. The fact that grandma is "stealth" schooling makes me think that she and she alone feels that she knows what is right for the child. I think she should bring it up with the parents and if they aren't receptive she should drop it. No harm can come of her doing educational activities with her but it isn't her job to educate the child.
Susan On Thursday, September 8 at 10:05 am
Whoa… everyone who thinks that Nana was wrong to homeschool her granddaughter when she was entrusted with her care… RELAX! I'm sure that Nana's babysitting helped her Son and DIL immensely when it came to their finances. When it comes to my relationship with my MIL, I know that she is an excellent caregiver. She is also a part-time teacher and I would welcome her attempts at educating my child either with a structured curriculum or without. Since I believe that my MIL has my child's best interests at heart, I've adopted the position that at her home… her rules stand. She and I have very different religious ideologies, which have made for very open and in depth discussions between my child and myself. All that being said, I interpret Nana's request for ways to present her homeschooling aspirations indicative of already broken lines of communication. There needs to be honest, open, and respectful discourse between parents and children and/or adult children.
Maria L On Thursday, September 8 at 6:19 pm
Susan, it's the sneakiness and not consulting the mother first that is the real proplem here.
Amy On Thursday, September 8 at 9:09 pm
I don't think there is anything wrong with the grandmother teaching her Granddaughter from a curriculum while she has her. Maybe she shouldn't have used the word "stealth" as it does seem that she's sneaking around to do it…but I'd say that's probably not the case. What would be wrong is if the parents thought she was taking the child to preschool, but really she was keeping her home to homeschool her. Why would I ever in a million years be upset with a caregiver teaching my child?! I'd rather my child be taught than be ignored =)
JoMom On Thursday, September 8 at 6:53 am
Oooooh, tread lightly! As a homeschool mama, I get your excitement and good intentions, but you are the dreaded MIL (said with a bit of tongue-in-cheek sarcasm). I would put it out there very gently as an offer for her to consider. As in, "I know you guys are looking at different options for Sweetie's next school year; if you're interested, I'd be delighted to talk about maybe schooling her here." If they're completely against it – drop it, there's a whole year of that one sentance to swirl around in their heads and come back to, if they're interested later…patience.
Honestly, on the only child subject, it is a bit of a different colored horse on the socialization scale, but just barely. Find activities to get involved with: playgroups, sports, scouts, clubs, music lessons, library story times, museum/zoo homeschool days, homeschool groups for park/field trips, co-ops, chuch youth groups…etc…
Martha On Thursday, September 8 at 7:27 am
Good answer!! there is nearly always at least a little tension between mother-in-law/daughter-in-law, especially as they are figuring out who this family 'belongs to! Grandma should not be sneaking. If she would be open about it, there probably wouldn't be a big deal. Sneaking basically says she's trying usurp mom's authority, that she knows better than mom, and that she isn't respecting mom!
I really like JoMom's approach. Suggest it, then make sure mom and dad know it's just a suggestion to think about, and that she's willing to drop it if that's not an option. Mom is going to think about it more if there is no pressure. Other-wise Grandma might as well forget it.
Anna On Thursday, September 8 at 11:39 am
I agree with most of these comments, particularly Martha. In my opinion, given the information we have, it is not what Grandma is doing (educating), but how she is doing it (secretly) which is a problem. The idea of teaching a child entrusted to you is wonderful, and in that respect this is a blessing to the whole family. BUT the fact that she is hiding it is in my opinion a major problem. Subverting the trust of the child's parents, the relationship between parents and grandparents, and the parental authority. Big no-no. It doesn't matter how good a thing is that you're doing with another parent's child, if you are deceiving them about it, DON'T DO IT! If it's good for the child (this grandma sounds like she's doing lovely educational activities), you should be excited to tell the parents about it. Big red flags if you don't feel like you can talk freely with the parents about your activities! Yikes! I'd definitely say that this should be remedied before Grandma even dreams of suggesting that they trust her to educate their daughter formally. I hope that trust and communication can be restored and that they can work together for the best possible solution for this little girl!
S Johnson On Thursday, September 8 at 7:02 am
I've got to agree with Linda N., this post really bothered me. I am a homeschooling mom to 2 of my four children, our youngest goes to private school and our oldest to public. So just know that I'm in favor of all forms of education.
It bothers me that you feel like you know so much better than your daughter-in-law. As a matter of fact, you write about her as if she's down right stupid. It is so gracious of you to give your time to watch your grand daughter, but homeschooling her behind their back isn't right, in my opinion.
It is their decision, not yours. You should be able to mention the idea to them but it sounds as if you don't care what they think anyway.
It would make me so angry if I found out that my mother in law was educating my child behind my back regardless of the reason.
I'm sorry if I came across harsh, I know you have the best or intentions, it just really bothered me how you are going about them.
Anna On Monday, September 12 at 1:32 pm
She never said that her son and daughter-in-law didn't know that she was teaching her granddaughter. She just didn't call it homeschooling, and it was very relaxed so I think that's why she called it "stealth" homeschooling. I don't think she was trying to go behind their backs.
LorraineR. On Thursday, September 8 at 7:08 am
I would suggest just letting them know that you've been working with her. Surely they've noticed that she's learning. Sit them down and show them the things that you've been using and express your interest in continuing this endeavor. And as Linda N. said, ultimately it is their decision. But there is no harm in sharing this information (actually, it's probably best that you do) and just having a conversation about it. Be prepared for a quick shutdown but pray for openness <3
The Desert Girl On Thursday, September 8 at 11:55 am
I second this opinion. There is a lot of heated discussion about this submitted question. I don't think this grandmother meant any harm with "stealth" homeschooling. Don't we all say, and type, things that come out wrong?
Let's give her a break.
Then read Lorraine's comment and send her on her way with best wishes.
Rebekah @ It Only Gets Better On Thursday, September 8 at 7:08 am
I hope I can word all of this appropriately. Here goes…
1. I think what you're suggesting is that you would be doing the homeschooling so I think you could politely and respectfully ask your DIL if she would consider letting you homeschool your granddaughter, which I think is a very sweet and admirable request, but I think you should be prepared for a less than positive response.
2. Homeschooling is NOT for everyone. People who homeschool simply do not know what it is like to be someone who can't homeschool. I am one of those that can't. I say "can't" because I have no desire to do so and I know my own personality and limits (emotionally) that would prevent me from doing so effectively and positively. I have many friends who have tried to "convince" me that I could homeschool. I know which of my friends to talk to about this and which friends can not have a civil conversation about this topic. I have many many friends that homeschool and are WONDERFUL at it! But not everyone is gifted in the same way.
That leads me to…
3. This is really not a homeschooling question that you're asking. This is more of a relationship question you are asking. I think this is semi-dangerous territory for you to try and interject your opinion of how your son and daughter-in-law should choose to educate their children. It's certainly fine to have an opinion; it is not always fine to express it.
If you think that your DIL will get her feathers ruffled by your suggesting this then my suggestion is to value your relationship with the 3 of them more than you value homeschooling.
Julie in Ok On Thursday, September 8 at 7:59 am
Rebekah made some great points.
The relationship point being the most important. A commenter early on suggested you and your son having lunch and discussing your granddaughter's education. That is a bad idea as the mother of the child could perceive this as you trying to win her husband over to your way of thinking. And then the issue of homeschooling would take a backseat to the DIL getting her feelings hurt and feeling betrayed somewhat.
Your desire to take on such a huge responsibility is admirable but the decision should be left wholly with your granddaughter's parents and there should be no manipulation involved. Step lightly and wisely as there are more important issues at hand here.
And btw, I homeschool my three kiddos but feel strongly that it's not for everyone.
Jill On Thursday, September 8 at 5:40 pm
But on the other hand, as someone who loves my MIL, but has had some seriously tense moments with her in the past, sometimes a DIL in a relationship like mine super duper appreciates potentially tense conversation staying between MIL and her son. I've often found myself in moments with my MIL that I know would have gone so much differently (better) if they would have been between my husband and her. Just another thought…
Renee On Saturday, September 10 at 2:49 pm
I think this is the best response so far. This is less a debate about homeschooling and more a question of relationships. My MIL (who I adore) would never do something like this without talking to me first. And if I said no, I wouldn't hear about it again or be judged for my decision. I think what you are offering is generous and kind, but it isn't what you're doing, it's how you're doing it. If I were you Nana, I wouldn't worry about opening the homeschooling door right now. I'd be mending fences.
Jami On Thursday, September 8 at 7:10 am
I wish you were my MIL!! I know that this doesn't help but I would love it!!
Anja On Thursday, September 8 at 3:56 pm
Mee too! Can I adopt you? Please?
Christina On Saturday, September 10 at 1:45 am
This is one comment I fully agree with.
My in-laws moved from the same town as us to 6 hrs away shortly after my daughter was born. Because of this, I can only imagine how much I would have appreciated it if the MIL had ever offered not only to care for my daughter during the day, but then tell us she was teaching her as well with curriculums she had purchased.
How rude would I have to be to snub MIL for spending the day usefully and positively with my daughter when I wasn't able to be with her?
dobes On Thursday, September 8 at 7:20 am
I have to agree with Linda N – this is your son's and daughter-in-law's call! People generally feel pretty strongly about homeschooling vs. sending kids to school, and they have the right to decide for their own children. Although I homeschooled my 2 oldest for parts of their education, I am right now in a situation where I wish with all my heart that my uncle and his wife would allow their homeschooled 14-year-old to attend the local high school, which he desperately wants to do – and yet I have to realize that, having made my case, it is truly their decision, and they will make it with love.
As Linda also said, though, it is probably a great idea for you to continue to supplement the child's education with activities when she is with you. Everyone can benefit from an enriched education!
Hayley On Thursday, September 8 at 7:20 am
Ultimately it is their decision. But, you could bring it up with them and tell them about all of the benefits. I was homeschooled and I'm hoping that my mother will still be willing to homeschool my children when I have them. If not, do you want to move near me? As for the socialization, if you are involved in a church, 4H, co-op, girl scouts, etc, that's no problem. I had a bit of trouble socializing but that was due to the fact that I was incredibly shy. My sister had no problems.
Benefits: one-on-one, move at their own pace (which is often much faster than public schools will allow), teaches self-motivation which will be REALLY helpful in college, takes far less time during the day because there aren't 29 other disruptive kids in the class…and best of all…no homework! Okay, i guess technically it's ALL homework, but you know what I mean
Mari On Thursday, September 8 at 7:27 am
I think you are overstepping your boundaries. I think whether you like it or not, it's her parents decision, not yours.
Kristy On Thursday, September 8 at 7:34 am
I am assuming that your son and DIL know your position and what you've done with homeschooling in the past. As a parent myself, the best way to push me away from something it to go behind my back and 'stealth home school.' I would be out.
Personally, I home school my kids, and I love it. I would suggest if you want to continue, you should be very upfront. Tell your son and daughter, I've loved playing with and learning with *Susie* so much the past few years. I'd love to teach her for kindergarten. Then let it go. They may take you up on it or they may choose another educational option. You can continue to learn fun things when *Susie* comes to visit, but her parents have to make the final choice.
Remember that if they choose public school, they aren't rejecting you, just choosing a different educational path. One that is valid, while it may not be the one you or I would choose.
Bryn On Thursday, September 8 at 7:36 am
Personally, I think you stay out of it! How you raise and educate your children is a very personal choice, and I"m sure your DIL knows your stance on homeschooling. Continue to do educational "fun" activities with your grandkid when she's with you…nothing wrong with encouraging learning!!! But if your DIL wants to know more…she knows where you live. I think if you push it, she will rebuke and not consider homeschooling at all. But, if she sees the benefits you are providing, perhaps she'll make that decision on her own.
Lesley On Thursday, September 8 at 7:36 am
Wow, I couldn't disagree more with the folks posting above who believe you over-stepped your bounds by providing educational materials to your grandchild.
That's what good mothers do with their kiddos at home. They teach them things. Since your children have essentially outsourced the care of your granddaughter to you, rather than taking care of that responsibility themselves, why shouldn't you be teaching her something?? Thank God for a grandmother like you, who sees this time as a privilege and teaches/nurtures the child, rather than plunking her down in front of a TV set!
Jaimie On Thursday, September 8 at 8:21 am
If you carefully read the comments, the issue is not with "providing educational materials" but the "stealth" way the grandmother is going about it and the fact that she wants to be the one to decide that homeschooling is better than traditional school instead of letting the parents of the girl make that decision.
Shannon D On Thursday, September 8 at 8:31 am
Linda, I don't think it's the grandmothers teaching that has people upset, but the use of the word "stealth". I believe it is being interpreted as "behind the parents back". I however took it as the little girl is being taught and learning without feeling like she's in school. Just a thought.
allysha On Thursday, September 8 at 8:38 am
Lesley: I don't think people are upset by the education, it's the "stealth" manner it which it is taking place, and has to do with who makes the decisions about a child, which, unless something truly egregious is going on, should be the parents, not the grandparents.
Amy On Thursday, September 8 at 8:48 am
Hear, hear!
Janice On Thursday, September 8 at 9:27 am
Well said, Lesley. Thank You!!
shawna On Thursday, September 8 at 9:33 am
I agree! I can't imagine being upset with my childcare provider for educating my child while they were in her care. I would be happy that they were doing their job and doing it well. I think that you should let them know that you've been working with her and just present it as what it is. And if they love what you are doing and want you to continue then the homeschooling thing might become a possibility in the future. But don't feel bad for educating your granddaughter while she's in your care. You sound like a wonderful grandparent to me!
allysha On Thursday, September 8 at 9:42 am
The point that bothers people is not the education part, it's the "stealth" aspect of it.
Tiffanys122 On Thursday, September 8 at 9:55 am
I definitely agree with Lesley! I was lucky enough to have my mother watch my son when he was very young (6 months- 2.5) and she taught him so much! She is patient and loves to learn and really instilled some things in him that he needed at the time. At 2 years old he could name over 25 different dinosaur names and knew what most of their names meant and what they ate. It was amazing! He wanted to learn it and she constantly took time with him instead of sitting him in front of the tv all day.
I do, however, agree with others also that the ultimate decision for how your grandchildren are school is the parents decision. I don't think there is harm in talking with them about their options and seeing if they'd be willing to consider the option of homeschool though. We put my son in public school from k-2 and it stopped working for us in 2nd grade. So now for 3rd we're homeschooling and love it! It wasn't the right time for us then, but it became the right option for us now and I have the complete support of my parents in whatever we choose for our kids. And that is extremely important!
Jaimie On Thursday, September 8 at 10:00 am
The issue is not with her educating the girl, but the fact that she is going behind the parents backs to do it!
CIndy King On Thursday, September 8 at 10:25 am
Thank God common sense finally reared it's head! I have a daughter that is in K this year and frankly I would be thrilled if the person minding her had worked on these skills! I think the word stealth is locking most of you down on this…Really what parent dosen't notice their child building skills and developing new horizons???? Do you really think her DIL would be happier if she had plopped her down in front of a TV?
Maria On Thursday, September 8 at 6:45 pm
A working mother is still the child's *mother.* She hasn't "outsourced" her motherhood by selecting what she sees as appropriate childcare for her daughter – a combination of preschool and time with grandma. If grandma had been honest from the beginning, this situation could have been great. Instead, she has taken it upon herself to determine what the child's educational needs are. *That* is what I object to, quite strongly.
As an example, I have very strong feelings against teaching children to read too early. If I found out that my MIL was using a teach your baby to read program with my child, I'd never leave her alone with him again. The least this grandma could have done would be to share her resources with her DIL and respect the *mother's* choices about what kind of curriculum/program/activities are okay with her.
That "outsource" comment is extremely offensive to every working mother.
Lynn M On Friday, September 9 at 8:13 am
I couldn't agree more with Maria – I also find the "outsourcing" remark to be offensive. You have no idea what the circumstances are for this family – they may need two incomes to be able to put food on the table. And even if that's not the case, judging a mother for choosing to work is far from supportive or helpful.
Additionally, if Grandma's offer to provide daycare comes with a bunch of conditions, such as she must be allowed to determine how the child is educated by "stealth" tactics, she's not doing that family any favors. They'd be better off firing Grandma and hiring a good daycare center. Parents don't surrender their rights to decide what is best for their child just because they use daycare or babysitters.
My problem isn't Grandma making the effort to teach her grandchild at home or that she advocates homeschooling, it's the fact that she's chosen a curriculum with a specific world-view without checking with that child's parents. I would be furious – FURIOUS – to find out my daycare provider had been using a religious curriculum to teach my child without my knowledge or consent. I don't care if the intentions are good. Those parents have a right to know and approve of the methods Grandma is using.
What I don't understand is why Grandma hasn't just come forward to ask the parents if it's okay if she works on some basics with her grandchild. If they are okay with this smaller, introductory baby step into the world of homeschooling, they'd be far more open to discussions of homeshooling once the grandchild is of school age.
Mary On Friday, September 9 at 3:25 pm
I agree with Lesley and wanted to say the same myself. If the parents are letting grandma spend that much time with their daughter, they must trust her judgement and "parenting" skills, because that is what she is doing with her granddaughter – parenting her during the day. Parenting isn't just happening when children are with their birth parents, but is also happening with those who have been given the responsibility to care for the child at this young age!
Melanie On Saturday, September 10 at 9:40 am
I'm a wife, mother of 2, Christian, and private school teacher. My children have not been outsourced. My husband and I remain their primary caregivers. Our parents have opportunities to spend time with our kids and teach them things; that we know about. When anything secretive occurs, it is dealt with immediately. I'm guessing I'm not the only mom out there who is a better mother when she works outside of her home. My summers off are my extended time with my kids and it works for us. We love our free time and look forward to the beginning of our school years. Parents make decisions together for their children.
Angela On Saturday, September 10 at 9:25 pm
I agree with Lynn M. I would be fine with my child's caregiver doing some math and alphabet, but I would be FURIOUS if I found that he or she had used a religious curriculum doing so. One thing about paid child care…I dis not have to worry about religious indoctrination in the classroom.
Cyn Mackley On Thursday, September 8 at 7:47 am
I can't answer this as a homeschool question, but I can sure answer this as a daughter-in-law question…don't. It doesn't sound like your grandchild is having problems that require some sort of intervention. If homeschooling doesn't interest your daughter-in-law, so be it it. I wouldn't see much point in someone else homeschooling my kid. That would be having a tutor. Imagine if the quesiton were a reversed: a mother-in-law asking how to get a homeschool parent to consider public school? No matter how wonderful your intentions are, unless this is something your daughter-in-law wants. (she'd like to homeschool, but can't figure out how to swing it financially and you've offered to step in to help), this will be regarded as the mother-in-law butting in. One of the reasons I get along very well with my mother-in-law is that she doesn't have a lot of suggestions on how we should be doing things at our house. No matter how well you're intentions are, this is not going to end up being about homeschooling.
You Can Call Me Jane On Thursday, September 8 at 7:48 am
When my son was young (1 or 2) I became curious about homeschooling because there was a homeschooling family that attended our church (which we had just started attending). They were such a cool, regular, down-to-earth family. I couldn't help but start asking the mom questions here and there about how it even works, how you handle the two roles of mom and teacher, etc. She answered my every question and before I knew it, it didn't seem so foreign anymore. It seemed natural.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it can seem really weird if you know no one who does it. Are there homeschooling families that your granddaughter's family can get to know? This helped me. In fact, we just started our fifth year of homeschooling:-).
Crystal R. On Thursday, September 8 at 10:18 pm
I agree with You Can Call Me Jane. My first exposure to the idea of home schooling came through taking a parenting course at our church. The leaders of that course home school their five children. I can remember telling a friend who was in that class that I would NEVER home school my children. At the time, the whole concept was completely foreign and absurd. I went to public school, my husband went to private and public school, and neither of us had ever met anyone who home schooled their children. Two years after I made that "never say never" comment, a couple of our friends started home schooling their daughters who just so happened to be my daughter's best friends and we decided to join them in the home schooling endeavor. I started my daughter in Kindergarten a year earlier than required by law, thinking that if this didn't work out, she could go to private school the following year and not miss anything. At that time, I still felt uncertain about how successful we could be at the home schooling option. I had plenty of family members and family friends who were public school teachers and they kept telling me that home schooled kids are always behind and not socialized — you know all the sterotypes. After the first year of homeschooling, we investigated private and public schools in our area and prayerfully considered all three of our options. God made it clear to us that home schooling was the option that we needed to continue. We are in our fourth year of home schooling, and we're loving it. All of that to say that sometimes a seed needs to be planted and given time to take root and grow.
JAL On Thursday, September 8 at 7:49 am
I agree with many of the other comments and just feel I should offer you some perspective. I have a very well-meaning mother-in-law who I love dearly, but who likes very much to get her way. While never being outwardly rude, she often resorts to passive aggressive strategies to obtain whatever her goal is. I very carefully choose my battles with her, as I value our relationship very much. But – and let me be as clear as possible about this – if I found out she was homeschooling my child behind my back, that would be the end of any babysitting on her part. Not because I object to the education, but because I object to anyone making decisions for my child other than my husband and I. Being sneaky about it only makes it worse. And, I can assure you, in that "fight", the wife will "win" in the sense that your son WILL side with her. She is his wife. If you continue to make these types of decisions and continue to attempt to influence their parenting, you will only alienate yourself from them and risk losing any relationship with any of them.
Shelly On Thursday, September 8 at 9:55 am
Do you and I have the same mother in law Jal??? I often let my MIL have her way just to keep the peace, and because we live a long distance from her and it's usually no skin off my back. I AM a homeschooling mother, and I am very blessed that my MIL is supportive of that choice. In fact, she is downright enthusiastic over it, but I've felt my hackles raised the times she's wiggled into that educational role. She has similar goals that we do, but she has a different way to go about them. I'm not opposed to listening to her ideas and I'm more than willing to discuss my reasons for my tactics, but when she steps in and tries to take over (and show me that her ideas are better) it makes me want to kick her out of my house. Stealth teaching drives me just as bonkers as stealth testing!!!
Rebecca in OK On Thursday, September 8 at 10:22 am
"Not because I object to the education, but because I object to anyone making decisions for my child other than my husband and I."
Nail on the head.
Robyn O. On Thursday, September 8 at 4:32 pm
I am a homeschooler, and I wholeheartedly agree with JAL. If this grandma isn't sure how to talk about HS, there probably isn't a lot of common ground and/or respect within the relationship to start with. To me there is no difference between homeschooling behind my back and doing anything else grandparents know I wouldn't approve of behind my back. If my in-laws (or parents) are unable to respect the parenting decisions my husband and I make, there will be conflict. Because we are the parents, and because we believe in preserving our marriage over other relationships, we will win. This is not because we want conflict, or even to "win", but because our marriage and children are of highest priority to us. I have a MIL very similar JAL's, and I'm sorry to say that this sort of "sneaking" thing has happened to me from the time my children were very young babies, and it has changed our relationship for the worse each time I find out about it. I want very much to maintain my relationship with my MIL and for my children to enjoy their grandmother, but I do not feel like I can really trust her. I hope this grandma will read this, and take measures to build trust instead of sneaking around thinking her ways are best.
Baley On Thursday, September 8 at 7:57 am
I didn't get the negative vibe that some of the posters here found. I think she just wants her DIL to consider HS as a positive option. It doesn't sound to me like she wants to strongly push her agenda. I think she could find a positive way of bringing it up without risking alienating her DIL. The suggestion of starting with the son is probably sound. Introducing the DIL to another HS mom might help, as well, if that could be done with tact. Good luck!
Lesley On Thursday, September 8 at 8:25 am
The negative vibe is that she is 'stealth homeschooling'. She wouldn't have to sneak if she knew the DIL would approve.
Jill On Friday, September 9 at 3:31 pm
When grandma wrote "stealth" I wish she could have somehow conveyed the specific connotation of the word. Maybe she said it in a light-hearted, sort of silly way, and would never actually be sneaky? Or maybe it really was sneaky! Bummer to not know exactly where she's coming from because I think it's really throwing a lot of responders off.
Kim A. On Thursday, September 8 at 7:59 am
FWIW, I think the Nana should casually mention to her DIL something like, "Next year Sweetie Pie will be old enough for kindergarden. Have you ever thought about homeschooling? I have some experience/knowledge of that and I'd love to homeschool her." or something along those lines. And whatever decision they make, it is THEIR choice so smile, nod and be ready to support them in it.
I'm interested in the responses to this question because I've tried to raise the homeschooling option to my husband for years and he's not willing to consider it. We have a 5th grader and a 2nd grader this year. The 2nd grader is a real go-getter who absorbs information like a sponge and does very well in school. The 5th grader marches to the beat of her own drummer and does not fit neatly into the public school "box". She did well enough in elementary school but it was a small school and everyone there knew her. She has attention and sensory issues, and we met with the old school once or twice a year to make sure those things were being addressed. Now she has moved up to an intermediate school that is much bigger than her old school and the staff expects a great deal from the kids. The assistant principal took great pride in telling me that they don't have time to nurture the kids the way the elementary schools do. Our girl is not adjusting well. Granted, this is only the 4th week of school, but things have been bad enough that we had to ask for a meeting with all of her teachers. I told my husband all along that if her school experience wasn't going well I was willing to take her out and homeschool her, and every time he would respond that I didn't have to take such extreme measures. He wants to give the school a chance to fix things first, but I want him to at least be willing to consider our options if things DON'T improve. I won't sit by and watch her fall further and further behind. He seems to think that I/we should do extra work with her at home to make sure she's as prepared as her classmates. I think if I'm going to do 2+ hours of extra work at home, why not teach her myself in the first place?
Adding to the equation, I know without a doubt that if my 5th grader came home for school, my 2nd grader wouldn't rest until she did too. Frankly, as much as I love her, I need the break from the little one that school provides. She wears me out! Education-wise, I have a feeling that if little bit was allowed to learn at her own (accelerated) pace, she might end up skipping a grade. She's that smart.
Husband also worries about the socialization aspect of things and I know better. What I do worry about is having my wings clipped. I do all my errands and have my "me" time during school hours. It's selfish, but I'm not ready to give all that up just yet. It doesn't matter at this point because my husband won't consider it unless there are no other options. I think he'd go into debt for private school before he'd consider homeschool!
Bee D. On Thursday, September 8 at 8:06 am
Wow, Nana. You say you already know your DIL finds homeschooling less then desirable. Let's be honest, Nana. 'Stealth' really means going against your DIL's wishes which in anyone's book is a no-no. You may have just perpetuated that feeling she has that makes homeschooling "too strange a concept to consider". Well, no wonder. Look, you should have eased her into it by just asking if, along with babysitting, you could do a little teaching. Showing her the books you would use. If you already did that, and decided to teach her anyway, well lets just hope you haven't overstepped a boundry you knew was there. "Stealth"? I think "lie" may be the better choice of words here. It may be too late for homeschooling, and you may be the reason. Sorry, but it's got to be said.
Ashley On Thursday, September 8 at 8:11 am
I think that if they trust her with meeting her granddaughter's needs on a daily basis, the parents should seriously consider her views on schooling. If I could not school my child myself, I would feel much more comfortable having her taught by someone whose views and beliefs I knew. Especially at a young age when they may not be able to tell you exactly what happened during their day.
Monie On Thursday, September 8 at 8:13 am
I always like to get to the bottom line immediately, and I think you know what I'm going to say…which is what many before me have said… and that is, this is not your child. This is your granddaughter. Any and all decisions about her life, education, school, etc. is the choice of her parents. NOW, having said THAT, I want to say how much I admire your heart-song for your granddaughter. Clearly, she is so precious to you, and you want to do all that you can to give her the best possible life. Just because she might be headed for a 'traditional education' setting, doesn't mean that you will no longer have the opportunities or influence to enhance her life and learning. Certainly, I see no harm in letting your children know that you would be eager and willing to home school this little girl, but how you say it will be very important. Respectfully and lovingly share your heart, but you must prepare your heart in advance to hear the, 'thank you, but no'…and move on…and not carry a grudge, or anger, or resentment. The last thing you want is for the parents to limit the time you have with your granddaughter because of them resenting your 'helpfulness'…good luck, and tread lightly!
jen On Thursday, September 8 at 8:15 am
While I would personally love to have a grandparent so devoted and involved with my children and so willing to help with something as huge as homeschooling, it doesn't sound like your DIL is of the same mind. I would only make the gentle offer, something like "I know you're looking at your options for school for her next year and I wanted you to know that I would be more than happy to continue providing care and education for her, if that is something you would like." and then drop it. If they want that, they'll take you up on it. If not, they'll try something else. If she does well, they will probably continue that something else, if not they may come back to your offer. There are many ways to educate children and every year many parents evaluate the previous school year and make a choice how to proceed for the next year. Don't risk your relationship with your DIL (or the time you get to spend with your granddaughter) by butting in too far. I know it probably seems like you get a say in the matter because you are one of her primary caregivers, but in this area your DIL is not going to appreciate being told what is "best". One of the problems when parents hand over responsibility of their children to a grandparent (as opposed to using a daycare if you work outside the home) is that grandparent then feels, rightfully in some ways, like they can and should make these types of decisions or at least influence them. It's a family dynamic that can be wonderful or problematic, depending on the family.
lisalynn On Thursday, September 8 at 8:16 am
I think you should mind your own business!
eve On Thursday, September 8 at 8:22 am
As the daughter-in-law of a woman with very strong ideas, I urge this Nana to think this over. Homeschooling is a wonderful option, but the parents get to choose what kind of schooling their child receives. Being sneaky and/or pushy about your wishes for your granddaughter may lead your DIL to just want to do the opposite of what you want.
Please talk it over with them rationally. If they agree, great! If not, great! It is their baby, after all
Erin On Thursday, September 8 at 8:24 am
For what it is worth, I home schooled my daughter until the second grade – for Kindergarten and 1st grade. She is an only child and we were involved in church, regular activities with other homeschoolers, free play and structured get-togethers with neighborhood kids, and sports (swim team from age 6 on). However, when she went to public school for second grade, she really blossomed being around other kids. I know and agree with the whole "homeschoolers ARE socialized perspective," but for my daughter, she did need the social aspect of being around other children at school. I think it is possible to homeschool an only child, and my daughter and I are very close, but she enjoys having her own time at school. That being said, I feel that her education is one of my primary responsibilities as a parent and I am very involved in her school and in after-school learning. I think this grandmother has good intentions, but the parents need to make the choice for their daughter. The grandmother can offer to be involved in whatever educational choice the parents make for their child. I know several grandmothers who are highly involved at my daughter's school. Homeschooling is not the only way to be involved in the education of a child, though. It is one avenue (and a very good one). This grandmother needs to remember that it is up to the parents to make this decision and to support them in whatever that may be.
Whitney On Thursday, September 8 at 8:25 am
I'm sorry, but this question really bothers me. If my MIL did this against my knowledge or direction, I'd be pretty upset. You can't make your DIL do what you want – it doesn't work that way. You should be there to answer their questions, offer alternatives, but ultimately, keep quiet after the decision is made. You said your son was homeschooled. I'm sure he'll help make the decision when the time comes and will have a good reason to homeschool or not to.
This is not your role.
Samantha D On Thursday, September 8 at 8:26 am
I would agree that the idea of "stealth" homeschooling would make me very mad if you were my mother-in-law. Why haven't you been honest them your son and DIL about this? If you didn't think it'd be a big deal – why hide it? (Unless you knew that they would be against is 100%.)
You can ask about the homeschooling – but I have a feeling you already know what the answer will be. If they say no, drop it. Because it's none of your business.
I would ask your son and DIL if you can do a bit of after-schooling with her to maybe help her get ahead – but it sounds like that will be it for you.
Rachael On Thursday, September 8 at 8:28 am
As a mother of a young child and a sister with a young child, having MIL doing something with kiddo in "stealth mode" is a BAD idea. My sister's MIL has done that a few times, and it gets my sister quite upset. I would be, too. Its say "I know better than you, and what you as Mom want doesn't matter".
Doing fun, educational stuff is good. And be sure to talk about it, lots, what you are doing with little one and encourage her to show off for Mom and Dad. You could even ask them if they might consider letting you school her, and that you'd enjoy getting the time with the little one . If you are quite involved with a homeschool community, I'd bet Son and DIL know it, even if they don't know what homeschooling is. Mention it when you talk about your day, or the kids little one got to play with.
Good luck, I bet little one would really enjoy the time with you.
Sue On Thursday, September 8 at 8:29 am
You might look around your area to see if there were any good charter homeschools or homeschool co-ops that could somewhat bridge between homeschool and out-of-the-home school. I'm in California and we use a charter school (a public school) that has enrichment classes 2 days/week. Parents and students can attend these classes or not. They are clearly enrichment – parents are still in charge of their children's education. You can use curriculum they have (they have a large assortment) or use your own. The requirements (I think of them as my "payment"): You must show that your child is making progress (broadly defined), you have to meet w/ a coordinator once/month (they are low-key meetings) and you have to take the annual state test. Since we also have an only child this gives us a very good mix of in-home and out-of-home experiences. Plus since it is a public school we get a cultural mix that we don't get in our other activities
Even if this type of option exits in your area the choice would be the parents. You can only let them know the options and you'd have to do that in a very gentle way.
SarahH On Thursday, September 8 at 8:32 am
I am a former public school teacher (left to raise my family), but I fully support HSing for families that find it's the right fit.
So, that being said, your question stuns me on two levels.
1) It is not your decision or even your concern where and how your granddaughter is educated. It is your son and DIL's decision alone.
2) "Stealth homeschooling"?!? I would be FURIOUS with my MIL for doing this behind my back. While I'm certain you mean no harm, this is a BIG topic that should absolutely not be hidden from the parents. It is akin to letting the child skip their nap because you don't think she needs it, or allowing her to eat sweets because you think tooth decay is no big deal. In fact, this would be grounds for me finding a new childcare situation for my little girl.
Your heart may be in the right place. Homeschooling may be the best option for your GD, but IMHO, you've already muddied the waters. It should have been a topic discussed long before you started anything on your own.
Jennifer On Thursday, September 8 at 10:33 am
I have to totally agree on every point.
Christina On Thursday, September 8 at 12:19 pm
I could not agree more. Grandma's heart is in the right place, but she needs to let son and DIL decide this on their own. If they want her opinion, they will ask for it; they know where to find her, after all.
And I suspect the "stealth" homeschooling isn't such a secret to the son and DIL; it would be pretty unusual for a child not to tell Mommy and Daddy what she did that day and how fun it was. I think they already know and aren't saying anything. And that doesn't mean they condone it or oppose it. Maybe they just already have other educational plans.
Also agree with an earlier comment that this really isn't a homeschooling question. It's a "How do I butt in and make it okay?" question.
Amy On Thursday, September 8 at 1:23 pm
I completely agree. I adore my MIL, but if I found out she was homeschooling behind my back, to the extent of buying materials that I had no say in… you can bet I would be highly upset.
Rebecca On Thursday, September 8 at 8:33 am
For those of us who have made educational choices for our children that are not thought best by grandparents, we know how hard it is to navigate that strained relationship. But it was us as parents making that decision for our own children. This is your grandchild though. And although it is clear that you love her dearly and only have her best interests at heart, you are taking a huge risk in alienating your daughter-in-law and playing less of a role in your granddaughter's life. If you still feel strongly about bringing up the subject, I would be matter of fact. Something like "I know you have concerns about homeschooling, but I would like to talk to you about some of the positive aspects. And if you're open to it, I would like to try to homeschool for kindergarten. If that is something we could talk about, let me know." But really, by secretly introducing homeschooling for preschool and pre-k, you may have already ruined any chances that she would be open-minded. I would be furious if my mother or mother-in-law did something like that behind my back with every intention of hiding it from me.
Shannon D On Thursday, September 8 at 8:34 am
Just wanted to add one more thing. Some of you think she should talk to her son first. Personally I think that would upset the DIL more. The husband and wife are a team, not the mother and son. If the mother convinced her son it was a good idea, it could feel to the DIL that she was being teamed up on and drive an even larger wedge. I think she should talk to the together.
Meredith On Thursday, September 8 at 8:58 am
I agree. I think it would be better to address the son and his wife as a unit, because that is what they are. I would also suggest that it might be better to do this away from the granddaughter so that opinions and suggestions can be voiced with greater freedom. Maybe have them over for lunch?
Amanda C. On Thursday, September 8 at 9:03 am
AGREED!!! I would have a real problem if I knew my MIL was talking to my husband on the side about a topic like this. It really isn't the grandmother's place. They obviously don't want to HS their children at this point. If they did she wouldn't have to "stealth" HS.
jr On Thursday, September 8 at 1:48 pm
I agree it is better to address them together. My MIL always opens the difficult discussions with my husband first because she knows he will go along to keep the peace. Then when he talks with me any objections or concerns I have, no matter how legitimate, get met with "but I already told her it was OK". And yes, that does bother me.
Leah Atha On Thursday, September 8 at 8:36 am
I think its great that you want to invest in your granddaughter's education.
However, I think that your approach is terrible. Why have you been teaching her on the sly? Why wouldn't you have talked to them about what you planned to do? I think that your first step is to tell her parents what you've been doing. Even if it's something that you've been doing against their wishes.
If they're upset, hopefully they will notice the positive impact it has had on their daughter after they calm down. Regardless, decisions regarding her upbringing & education are theirs to make, not yours. For the sake of your relationships with all parties, this isn't something that you should be persistent about. Have a "talk" about it & then butt out.
Donna On Thursday, September 8 at 8:37 am
O.K. I am not a grandma, yet. But of all the answers and advise above, I believe I would
respond more positively to "You Can Call Me Jane".
First, the Grandma has been very active in the child's life for some time and the parents are all for this. It 'seems" as if they respect her involvement in their child's care, education and play.
Second, all the negatives above are very sad. We are not talking about child abuse, etc. here, but a continuation of a very active Grandma in her Grandchild's life on all levels.
Third, evidently as stated above, both parents must know of the Grandma's 15 years in active HS activities, families, etc. No surprise here unless both parents are just dumb.
Fourth, it almost appears that the parents may be anticipating this very offer from the Grandma. How could they not realize the progress their daughter already shows in her development by being with the Grandma.
And Fifth, I believe the Grandma's enthusiasm with HS and being with her Granddaughter is easily seen by the parents OR WHY would they have their daughter be with the Grandma so much of the time?
Maybe I'm silly or old fashioned, but this family seems to really treasure the Grandma's involvement on every level with their daughter and would not be so "shocked" with her
wanting to really start HS on a serious level.
Reba On Thursday, September 8 at 11:38 am
I agree with Donna on several levels. It is very hard for me to read some of the comments put here regarding the MIL/DIL relationship. I am very lucky to have a wonderful DIL, although she does remind me on a regular basis to do things like get my husband a dental appointment (his teeth are fine- she just liked to remind me). I can see how some people would be sensitive to Nana's involvement in their lives.
The real issue everyone seems to be so upset about is one of control. Who controls the education of this child? I would dare to put forth that, while the parents have the most influence and responsibility over the outcome of any education, they really do not have ultimate control. Not only is your child influenced by Nana (or any other caregiver) but also by the child's friends, the parents of the child's friends, your friends, your other family members no matter how remote, neighbors no matter how friendly, TV and other entertainment choices (especially!) and many other influences. You may say that your influence is the most important, but that is not always true. Children cannot be controlled like machines and the influences we have over them are tenuous at best.
I would also say that the relationship between Nana and parents is the more important issue here. Children learn so much about how to deal with the world by how they see adults deal with each other. I would put this burden on the parents to keep the relationship with Nana peaceful- and this is for all of those DILs who have commented to vehemently about a well meaning Nana. If you are showing this violence of emotion to your child at any point, that is teaching your child much more than if you have a peaceful talk with Nana. If there does need to be a break in relationship or a change in care giving or even just a stoppage of the "stealth" home schooling, then the child should have an explanation that is loving and peaceful, as well. Such anger will not help- children become confused and choose sides. Often the parents lose even more control this way.
Sarah On Thursday, September 8 at 4:02 pm
you say that what grandmas is doing doesn't count as abuse-no one has compared it to that. however, i think all the 'negative' commenters are simply in agreement that she has completely overstepped her boundaries. there is a LARGE difference between reading, counting and playing and going out and purchasing Sonlight to and using it behind the child's parent's backs. that is wrong and whether or not homeschooling is a good fit for the child, once her parents learn this-there will be push back! If it was me, i wouldn't want my MIL to bring it up.
Celeste On Thursday, September 8 at 8:47 am
You already know that your DIL would not approve of you homeschooling your grandchild. I know this because you said you provide "stealth" educating. You have insecurity about her acceptance of this, so you kept it a secret from her. Otherwise you would have had it out in the open, talking about it from day one so she could approve it or veto it. But you didn't want to give her veto power so you stayed quiet. Clearly you consider this to be above and beyond normal play activities expected in childcare, and maybe your goal all along has been to homeschool your grandchild.
I think you should talk to your DIL for sure, and you should lead with an apology for deceiving her about your project and not asking her consent.
My feeling is that you raised your children, and you should let your DIL raise hers. You overstepped and I hope you will apologize for the sake of the relationship rather than just fess up and let the girl go off to K. Let DIL be the one to decide how to go forward. If you finally show her some respect, you might be surprised at how things would get better between you no matter how this child gets educated.
Jen On Thursday, September 8 at 8:50 am
Don't. My mom has been pressuring me to homeschool, and I resent it. She is trying to live vicariously through me because she wasn't able to homeschool her five kids like she wanted to. My husband doesn't appreciate the meddling, either. Whatever your intentions are, it is not your business. You should not be doing "stealth" anything with your grandchild. If you can't talk openly and honestly with your son and daughter-in-law about homeschooling, then chances are it's because they have strong opinions on the matter, and they should be respected. I can understand that you want the best for your grandchild, but there are many good ways to educate a child. Don't fall on your sword for homeschooling and jeopardize your relationship with your son and daughter-in-law.
Mary On Thursday, September 8 at 8:51 am
I love my mother-in-law to pieces, but I really get my feathers ruffled when she undermines me concerning my children. My husband and I do what we think is best for our children, and to have her come in and make us feel as though we make some poor choices is extremely frustrating. Honestly, it makes me not want to spend much time with her, and in turn that means my kids don't always get as much time with her. Not that I'm trying to keep then away from her at all, but I'm not investing in that relationship as much as I used to because we feel like we are always cut down by her. Just something to think about… I'm sure your intentions are honorable, just please remember to value relationship over opinions. Especially opinions that aren't necessarily right or wrong.
Meredith On Thursday, September 8 at 8:52 am
I was homeschooled and I would love to homeschool my children. Both my father-in-law and mother-in-law work for the local public school system. Obviously, they are very pro-public school while I am very much pro-homeschool. So, coming from a sort of reversed position, I would be very hurt if my mother-in-law were writing in to a public school teacher's blog asking about how to convince her daughter-in-law to send her grandchildren to public school. On top of that, if my mother-in-law was spending hours a day with my child and sneaking in hints about the joys and fun of public school and trying to convince my child to do something that goes against my wishes, I would be VERY upset. I love grandmas and I love homeschool (I even mostly love my mother-in-law. . .mostly), but I think that would be very upsetting.
So, in your position, I would simply offer it as an opportunity to your son and daughter-in-law, give them some reading material, invite them to a conference, and leave it at that. It is their choice because she is THEIR daughter. You have raised your children and now it is their turn.
AMR On Thursday, September 8 at 8:53 am
I have a great MIL and am thankful for her. But I distinctly remember the day she sat me down and told me that I should homeschool my future children (they hadn't even been born yet) because several of my husband's cousins did. She even encouraged me to talk to them and to consider how amazing their children were. At that moment I didn't see it as an option to consider for my children's education, I saw it as my MIL trying to push me in a direction SHE felt was best for MY family. No doubt you love your son and your granddaughter, but it simply isn't your place to go behind her back and homeschool when she clearly doesn't want that for her child. This is their family and they have to make the decisions they feel are best for their children. And by all means…DO NOT take your son out for lunch w/o your DIL so that you can have his ear and get him on your side so that you both can then sit your DIL down. That would be detrimental to the relationship you have with your DIL.
the-Not-So-Divine-Miss-M On Thursday, September 8 at 8:57 am
While I don't think this is necessarily sinister, I do think there are some pitfalls to be wary of. While I understand that the grandma wants to help and bring something to the granddaughter's life that, in the grandma's view, will enrich her life, it is ultimately the parents' decision.
A sales pitch, using some of the positive examples in the comments, would be fine, as long as it is: a) pitched to both parents at the same time, not just the son; b) pitched in a way that makes it clear that it's a doting grandma, not an interfering MIL, doing the pitching; c) pitched in a way that makes it clear to the parents that their wishes are and will be respected, should they chose to forego homeschooling.
Unless there is "bad blood" between the DIL and MIL, I don't see why this shouldn't be accpted as a gift by the parents. What a wonderful idea!
I agree with the other posters who have warned against the 'stealth homeschooling'. Bad idea. It is ultimately the parents who make these decisions for their children. As for the poster stating that the parents have no say, since they've outsourced childminding to the grandmother, this is faulty logic. The mother's rights to make decisions are not diminished by not choosing to stay at home, minding the child, nor by asking others to babysit, nor even by asking the grandmother to babysit. The only thing that would perhaps intervene with those rights, is abuse or neglect. And surely, public school (or homeschooling for that matter) does not constitute either one of those two? It is, merely, an education choice?
AnnieInOKC On Thursday, September 8 at 9:00 am
First I think you should ask yourself why you think your granddaughter should be home schooled. Is it for her benefit or yours? As a mother of two very successful adults who were educated in public schools, I know that a public school can provide an excellent education.
I also know that homeschooling can also provide an excellent education, and parents need to carefully weigh what will work best for their children and their family. I think you need to stop the 'stealth' homeschooling and bring it out in the open. Let your daughter-in-law see what you are doing with your granddaughter and the (presumably) positive results. This would do far more to open her mind to the possibility of homeschooling than any subtle manipulation.
Suanna On Thursday, September 8 at 9:11 am
I'm for homeschooling, but if I'd never heard of it before and the Grandma of my kids asked about it I would start thinking about it. What you haven't asked you won't know the answer to. Even if the parents decide it is best for the child to go to a public school, there would be no harm in asking them if you could keep teaching her things or helping her follow her interests in learning new things.
Start the idea rolling around in your DIL's head now and she may be more open to the idea next year. Maybe she has heard of it, but doesn't realize it is an option because she works and wouldn't be able to do it herself.
Shana On Thursday, September 8 at 9:12 am
Nana, you need to step back. Your granddaughter is not your child, and this is not your decision to consider, ponder or make. You are out of line. Sorry.
Susan On Thursday, September 8 at 9:47 am
I agree! I think the grandma in the post sounds like a wonderful grandmother and wow…wish I had one like you nearby EXCEPT for the fact that you are doing things behind the DIL and sons back. Believe me, if my MIL pulled that we would be OUTTA that house very very quickly. Seriously. You are treading on thin, thin ground Nanna! The MIL/DIL relationship is very treacherous any way and you aren't doing anything for it.
Lori On Thursday, September 8 at 10:10 am
I agree. What is best for your granddaughter is the decision of her parents–not you. It is up to the girl's parents to decide how they want to educate her. ANd you need to respect their decision as her parents whether or not you agree with their decision. You need to step back. This is your granddaughter, not your daughter, so you don't get to call the shots and make the decisions.
Liz On Thursday, September 8 at 9:14 am
Don't mean to be a downer here. I'm definately not anti-homeschooling. I'm considering it for my two infants which is why I read this blog, but if I found out that any of my children's grandparents (mine or my husbands) had been "stealth" anything with my kids, I'd be very upset. I think open communication from the get-go would have been your best option. Since that obviously is not, I think you ought to "come clean" as soon as possible. At least you can point out what she's learned and show them the curriculums, etc. you've been using.
Megan On Thursday, September 8 at 9:17 am
I have to agree with most of the other posters. This whole premise is upsetting.
The part that bothers me the most about this post is the idea that anyone should even TRY to convince a parent one way or another on the best option for their child. The whole point of homeschooling is to allow parents to do as they feel best for their child.
It seems to me that this woman wants to convince her son and daughter-in-law to homeschool not because it would be best for them or their daughter, but because it is what Grandma wants. What would the response be if this was the opposite; that is, what if the daughter-in-law wanted to homeschool and Grandma was writing as a public school teacher trying to convince her not to? I'm guessing it would never have been published, and if it had Grandma would have been ripped to shreds.
Celeste On Thursday, September 8 at 2:06 pm
I completely agree with Megan. There should be no level of coercion to get someone to accept homeschooling. It really needs to be something that the parents seek out on their own, rather than something that another person preaches to them.
In the situation here, odds are that that the DIL knows that her MIL has 15 years' experience with homeschooling, and yet…it doesn't sound as if she's ever approached MIL for any guidance on it, hence the whole reason why the grandmother has taken the stealth approach.
Nobody values advice that they didn't ask for.
Jessica On Thursday, September 8 at 9:25 am
It was my experience, and my niece's, that school doesn't get stressful until 1st grade. I'd let your granddaughter go to Kindergarten. I imagine that she'll enjoy the social aspects and that she'll still have energy leftover to do lessons with you when she comes home. This will give you two years to gently bring your DIL into the process (don't call it homeschool, just show her how smart her daughter is and how much fun you're having teaching her). If your DIL gets the impression that you're going behind her back, making important decisions for her kid without her input, or implying that her parenting isn't enough, she's going to get angry. You haven't said that you have concerns about the school system or your granddaughter's ability to fit in. You should ask yourself whether you want to homeschool because it's best for her or because you want to continue spending time together. If you start including your DIL, and make it abundantly clear that you are going to respect her decisions regarding her daughter, you may find that she is much more open to having you teach her if formal school isn't a good fit.
blume On Thursday, September 8 at 9:27 am
I can see your good intentions, and I am sure your are doing great things for your granddaughter and she sure loves it – but I think that homeschooling your grandchild in secret without her parents knowing it ist really neither sensible nor sensitive. I first thought you just "schooled" her in doing things that pop up anyway – like learning about animals and nature when outside and about nutrition when baking a cake with her or things like that – which would be nice and natural. But you are even following proper curricula. That – in my opinion – is too much and will not make your daughter-in-law like homeschooling more.
Carol On Thursday, September 8 at 9:32 am
The fact that you use the phrase "stealth homeschooling" makes my radar ping. If you have felt that you need to sneak around to homeschool your granddaughter, then you already know what your daughter-in-law thinks. And sneaking around is not going to make her feel better about homeschooling. It's going to make her feel like you are refusing to respect her decisions, and it's going to make her angry. It's going to cause tension, and in the worst case, it could damage your relationships to the degree that you don't get to spend much time with your granddaughter. That would be much worse (for her, and for you) than her attending public school.
Stacy On Thursday, September 8 at 9:33 am
Others have said it quite eloquently — the grandma's heart may be in the right place, but her methods smack of undermining and disrespecting the parents' authority. Why 'stealth' homeschooling? Because grandma suspects son/DIL have an issue with homeschooling. Grandma, has it occurred to you that going behind their backs to do something they might have a problem with is not going to help your cause? You have created a potential trust issue with your son/DIL. Regardless of whether you can "get" them to warm up to the idea of homeschooling, they are likely going to be wondering "gee, what ELSE is grandma doing with Susie that we might not know about and might not like if we did know?"
What if this weren't about 'homeschooling' but instead about the grandmother's religious beliefs, and grandma was proudly 'stealth' teaching her granddaughter her worldview, either knowing or suspecting that son/DIL think and believe differently? That example came to mind because I can see my own mother doing this when we have kids, and I will be furious if she does. I've come to my own conclusions on that front with a lot of time, thought, meditation, and tears; I've *earned* the right to teach my kids what *I* want them to know about God/faith/religion. Other parents might feel just as strongly about education.
Back on-topic, when you behave 'stealthily', grandma, and then desire to push your agenda on your kids, you start down the path toward being seen as a controlling and interfering MIL. Someone else nailed it: this is about relationships, not homeschooling. Please get clear on that. I would suggest a one-time very transparent conversation where you state your interest/offer, then you negotiate with yourself to accept your son/DIL's response, whatever it is, fully and without reservation. Don't become a passive aggressive pouter if you don't like that they chose public school. And STOP 'stealth' homeschooling your granddaughter — keep doing it only with her parents' blessing.
Leigh T. On Thursday, September 8 at 9:36 am
I love your heart and your desires for your granddaughter! I know you are trying to help. I think that entrusting your granddaughter to God and allowing Him to move in this situation is what you need to do for both your heart and your sanctification. God knows what He has in store for you and for each of your dearly loved family members. Thank you for sharing your heart with us!
Mrs. M. On Thursday, September 8 at 9:43 am
While it is nice of you to care about your grandchild, I think it could be offensive to suggest anything to her parents regarding homeschooling or any other parenting issues. It can cause relationship problems between you and your daughter in law. That can also carry over into conflicts between her and your son and eventually your son and you.
My mom sometimes says that the only thing harder than being a mother is being a mother in law. I would suggest that you not suggest anything.
Christy On Thursday, September 8 at 9:46 am
Wow. Just wanted to add my name to the chorus of people who think you are out of line here. You clearly love your grandchild. But you are not the parent. Step back and remember what your role here is. You are playing with fire. Good intentions are no excuse for overstepping your boundaries. Tell your son and DIL what you've been doing. Then be prepared to stop immediately if they wish you to do so.
Amy On Thursday, September 8 at 9:53 am
I am a home schooler. I love it and I tell everyone about it. However, I think you are overstepping your bounds. Really. It isn't your decision. You can offer to help and introduce it but really, I would back off. Homeschooling really isn't for everyone. I would hope they appreciate the head start you are giving their little girl but I really really think it isn't your place to convince them how to educate their daughter.
Jules On Thursday, September 8 at 9:54 am
Hey there! Perhaps your daughter would consider homeschooling if she realized she wouldn't have to do it all??Most times it can seem to hard to consider, so much work, but if it is split up and laid out in an easy on the eyes format, she might be more receptive towards it, in light of what you've already accomplished:) The coops and community involvement could answer her questions of socialization, and your past experience would definitely be an asset! Sure hoping things work out for you all
Stacey On Thursday, September 8 at 9:56 am
From the perspective of someone who is just starting to hs my toddler (we're lightly working on pre-school stuff) and who was adamant that I would never do it I say this. First sit down with them and tell them you've been working with your granddaughter for lightly (don't call it homeschooling) and be prepared to show them the things that can be done to socialize her still. What sold me were the great groups our son could still be a part of. Also invite them to be a part of it. My mom, husband, and I are going to break things up as he get's older. So we all get to share in it, but also we all get a break.
RK On Friday, September 9 at 10:27 am
This is just sugar-coating methods to pressure DIL into homeschooling.
Stacey – Are you seriously planning to homeschool your child in all subjects, including vocabulary, grammar, and syntax?
Tonya On Thursday, September 8 at 9:57 am
You have already gotten so many comments, I doubt if you even read this one…. But here is my 2cents, for whatever it may be worth. I love the comment by Leigh T….. I think she gets where you are coming from. Isnt it possible just to sit and talk to your DIL about what she plans to do for school next year? She is going to a church preschool… where is your DIL at in her relationship with the Lord? Any Christ seeking mama is going to consider homeschooling and whether it is right for them or their family, seems like you just need to have a casual conversation about school, with no expectations from you. I have a lot of friends whom, unfortunately, dont feel called to homeschool. Its really hard for me, because we all profess to believe the same way, yet educate our children very differently. The things that come home with their kids (attitudes, phrases and such) are just a bummer. But, I love my friends, and I cant put on that I am on a higher level simply because I choose to keep my sweet, precious babies with me a little longer Im not, I just got inspired by homeschooling, and they didnt. I wasnt homeschooled, and neither was my husband, but we are passionate about it. I guess what I am saying, is we all have our own convictions about it, and if you just sat and talked with her about it, no expectations from you, it might be fine. AND I DONT THINK you were doing anything wrong by schooling her when she was with you!! Geesh, those people need to get a grip, I mean, I wouldnt be the least bit offended if my MIL was watching my kids (for free people) and decided to do some workbooks with them. Seriously, settle down She just loves her girl, thats all!
Denise On Thursday, September 8 at 2:10 pm
"Any Christ seeking mama is going to consider homeschooling and whether it is right for them or their family"
You have to be kidding me. I somehow missed out on that in the last 33 years that I have been a Christian.
Jessica On Thursday, September 8 at 3:12 pm
Judging people outright because they made a different choice doesn't sound very "Christian" to me! Some people homeschool because they want to provide a rich and flexible learning environment for their children. Some people homeschool because spending all day with their kids provides a great excuse not to develop their own lives. The only way to tell the difference is good common sense.
Shana On Friday, September 9 at 7:51 pm
My apologies, but I find your "any Christ-seeking momma" comment to be highly, highly offensive. Is it your contention then, that if one does not choose to homeschool their child/ren, then that parent is not truly following Christ? And can you please point me to that reference in scripture? That would be great.
Jillian On Thursday, September 8 at 10:03 am
Excellent grandma? Absolutely! Excellent MIL? Not sure…
The most important aspect of your relationship with your family is trust. Using "stealth" to educate your grandchild does not seem to build trust. Imagine if a public school teacher used "stealth" to teach your grandchild a topic or skill outside of the learning outcomes that were outlined for your state. For example, the public school teacher may have had the best of intentions teaching your child yoga meditation, but if you are not a fan of yoga meditation and it is not part of the state curriculum, it should not be taught in "stealth." How would that make you feel? It is important to consider that your DIL may feel exactly the same way.
I would encourage you to engage in some honest, open communication with your son and DIL.
Jillian On Thursday, September 8 at 10:24 am
Upon reflection, I realize my post does not really address the question of how to get your DIL/son to consider homeschooling. Here are some ideas:
– ask your son/DIL if they would be open to exploring homeschooling, and if so, be prepared to provide a clear picture of your vision for how homeschooling would look
– be prepared to accept questions not as criticism, but as excellent proof that your son/DIL care about their child and want what is best for her
– be prepared to answer all questions honestly
– encourage your son/DIL to explore all of the options and make the decision they think is best
– be prepared to accept whatever decision they make
– if homeschooling is chosen, establish lines of communication between you (the teacher) and your son/DIL (the parents) that work for everyone.
bree On Thursday, September 8 at 10:03 am
I have read the post and the following comments. I realize how difficult it must be for Grandma who has been entrusted with Grandaughters care for a good part of the day. She fills the place of "Mom" while Mom is gone @ work. I am certain that she has a vested interest as many family members do these days who are given the care of children.
However, I don't see that going behind anyones back is justified. Why would you be afraid to tell your Son and DIL that you were reading to their child and teaching her the ABC's and 123's? I think that most Mothers and Fathers would be appreciative of ANYONE helping their child along to greater learning. Just don't understand why the secrecy? It seems that there may be some real communication problems in the family if you cannot be open about such a simple thing. I have always loved it if ANY of my family members stops to read a book or do flash cards, etc. with my kiddos. Just uncertain as to why that would be held back from them. It seems that if you could not be open about it in the first place that you already have your answer.
country@heart On Thursday, September 8 at 12:06 pm
I agree!
The DIL is aware she and her husband have a great babysitting arrangement using grandparents 3-4 days aweek. MIL is making sacrifices in her own schedule to provide daycare and I see the love this MIL is providing to her grandchild, making the child's education a priority.
Stealth? Maybe, maybe not. DIL has to be smart enough to see daughter's growth, surmissing it's either from the preschool @ church, daily living with them or the grandparents. Bet there are fun trips involving McD playground, library story time, park, etc the DIL approves of each day. Share how much she loves her ABCs and 123s; what else would they like introduced, utilizing your skills? Sounds like this MIL has some experience in teaching, maybe DIL is afraid to discuss with her since this is an area she lacks experience.
Realtionship is important, but I think some of your attacks on the MIL are unwarranted, simply making broad assumptions about the situation (like me!) If they are worried about what their child will learn from MIL and are willing to turn repsonsibility over to public school agenda, then there are other problems!
Jennifer C On Thursday, September 8 at 10:10 am
Can I adopt you as my MIL?? While I agree that communication is the key, I only wish my family was as supportive. I am strongly considering homeschooling but I have zero support from my family and have been begging my husband to at least look into homeschooling. I think best to introduce it casually (maybe through PW website). And maybe present it as something you could try out now, prior to kindergarten. Then maybe DIL could see if she likes this path and evaluate whether she wants you to continue. GOOD LUCK!
Whitney On Thursday, September 8 at 10:12 am
You'd best stay out of it. Your days of making parenting decisions such as school choice are over. You are now the Grandma — a supportive role. And good heavens!! Why in the world would you want to start this fight, er, "discussion" with your DIL?!?!? You mean well. Your heart is in the right place. But this is not your decision.
Cheri V On Thursday, September 8 at 10:18 am
When we started homeschooling, we had to take our children out of our local Christian Day school. Our brother in law is the pastor of the church, and his wife (my husband's sister was the main teacher). There were alot of hurt/defensive family members, including my in laws. People who are in the system (public AND private) take our choices as an affront, as a challenge that we think we are better than them. You have planted the seed. You will probably have to let someone else do the watering. Your DIL may see the contrast on her own, but it may take some time. DON'T PUSH. Most DILs already feel like their MIL thinks that she knows better. Give her time, and if she brings it up, you may offer to help a little on the side, then if she expresses a desire for more, assuming that she doesn't want to do it herself, obviously, you can offer more (maybe full time). Does she know any other homeschoolers? It actually IS the choice of your son and DIL, not you. Sorry. Be sweet, be available, and be prepared to be rejected. That way, anything they do in your direction will be a pleasant surprise. God bless you for being willing.
Diana On Thursday, September 8 at 10:20 am
Here's what I did (partly to talk MYSELF into it) – I told my hubby, then my kids this "Let's just try it for 1 year and see how it goes". If, at the end of the year it didn't work for our family, then we'll go back to "school".
At the time, my kids were in grades 1, 3, and 6. We are going on 3 years now! I absolutely LOVED spending time at my grandma's house when I was a kid – to have her homeschool me too would have been amazing! You're awesome for even considering it!
Here's the biggest thing those that are reluctant have to do . . . realize that we are so used to sending kids off to a brick building to "be educated" that it's all we know. We think that is the ONLY way for kids to learn. Remind them that it's okay to be unique, take the road less traveled, etc. Think about all the ways we learn, as adults, when we want to try something new – say photography, knitting, video design, gardening, cooking . . . we buy a book, look it up online, get books from the library, ask a neighbor, take a local class, etc. This is learning! We just have to retrain our minds.
I wish you the best!
Cpilg On Thursday, September 8 at 10:22 am
Hate to have to tell you this, but your grandaughter's education is the responsibility of her parents, not you. This is not to say that you shouldn't be engaging her intellectually when you are babysitting her. But ultimately, no matter what you say to them, it is your son and DIL's decision regarding how to educate their child. If I were you I would tell her parents how much time you enjoy spending with GD and teaching her lessons, and that if they ever decide to homeschool, then you would really like to be involved in that. Maybe give her some materials to read on her own time. But leave it at that, unless you see that the parents are neglecting her schooling in a serious way. It sounds to me like you crave meaningful time with your granddaughter, and the only way to make that sure happens is to maintain an open, honest relationship (WITH the appropriate boundaries) with her parents. Th fact that you feel the need to maintain secrecy about her lessons indicates to me that you may have been accused of "butting in" before and are trying to avoid getting caught doing it again. Perhaps you are guilty of this, perhaps not, but regardless you will have to defer to the parents because they set the boundaries for you. So maybe work on the relationship first and worry about homeschooling later.
Cortney On Thursday, September 8 at 10:24 am
I would be livid if I found out my parents or in-laws were "stealth homeschooling" my children. That right there would be enough for me to say NO to their offer to school them. Teaching children is not wrong but being sneaky about it is wrong on many levels.
Heidi On Thursday, September 8 at 10:31 am
I afraid that you may have already crossed too many lines with your "stealth homeschooling". If your son and daughter-in-law aren't comfortable with homeschooling at this point and feel that a local school setting is better for them, then that is their right as the PARENTS. Maybe someday they will feel better about the idea of homeschooling, maybe they won't. I can say that if you approach them from a stand point that could in anyway seem critical or as if you are going behind their back, they may be likely to never consider idea.
That being said, have you ever actually talked to your daughter-in-law about homeschooling? Maybe simply start a conversation about your experiences with it. Whatever you do, be sure to tell your daughter-in-law that you understand it is their decision as the parents and that you will respect and support any decision they make, and MEAN IT.
SueKnight On Thursday, September 8 at 10:37 am
It is wonderful to see how involved you are in your granddaughter's life and education. I would broach the subject, HOWEVER, you must be respectful of your son's and DIL's wishes. They, too, are adults and this is their child. My grandparents always felt that they knew what was best for me, but they were respectful enough to abide by my parents wishes. I am happy, well-adjusted, well-educated, and social, and this was my parents' responsibility. If grandma wants to enhance the little one's education, wonderful. But the decision is up to her parents. My MIL always felt that she knew best — we thanked her for her love and support, but my MIL still criticized our decisions. We didn't appreciate the friction she caused and there was animosity on our part for her insistance and intrusions. Please don't be that MIL.
Karen G in TX On Thursday, September 8 at 10:44 am
The "stealth" part of it is really disturbing! Why not be honest? The child's schooling decisions are NOT the grandmother's choice, no matter how right she thinks she is. This could really cause a permanent family rift!
Kirsten L On Thursday, September 8 at 10:51 am
I think it's absolutely out of line to be sneaking behind anyones back to "stealth" homeschool! I am considering home schooling for my son, hence my reading here……But if I caught anyone (my own mother, whom I love dearly, included) using curriculum that I hadn't explicitly approved, it would be a long, long time before they ever saw my kid unsupervised again…..if ever! They would never babysit, never have overnights, none of it!
If you want to play counting games, cook, go to the park with your granddaughter…..more power to you. But I would absolutely lay off using any specific curriculum without permission from her parents. Never mind asking to homeschool her!
Valerie On Thursday, September 8 at 11:23 am
I agree with most of what was already said, and I think there's nothing wrong with bringing up homeschooling to your son and DIL. Hopefully they will be open minded about it, but remember that she may have her reasons for not wanting to homeschool. Some people (like me) have really positive and character-building experiences in public school. Maybe she met a lifelong best friend in public school, or had a teacher who changed her life. If the local public school system (or private, whatever they're looking at) is any good, you probably don't want to push the issue beyond bringing it up once.
SG On Thursday, September 8 at 11:35 am
Doing something on the sly–even if you have good intentions–is dishonest and meddlesome. It's not your place to convince them of anything. You had a chance to
raise your children the way you wanted to, now it's their turn. That being said,
there is nothing wrong with a grandparent supporting their grandchild's learning, so
why does it have to be in lieu of public education?
Jannette G Eppler On Thursday, September 8 at 11:35 am
Having 26 years in public education, ranging from 6-12th grade public school, plus 11 years at university level, I want to weigh in here.
First, home schooling is a wonderful option, if the person teaching is motivated, organized, and willing.
Second, the idea that all public school educated kids are doing fine is just wrong. I have seen all too many children receiving what I would consider mediocre teaching at best, and negligent at worst.
Third, in answer to the question about how home schooled children can get a sufficient education in just a few hours a day, you have no idea how much of the 6-7-8 hours of a school day are spent on things other than instruction. A teacher must deal with children at opposite ends of the spectrum–from the slowest to the fastest learner–and cannot reasonably deal with both in a 45-minute period, with as many as 30-35 kids in a classroom.
Discipline is also an overwhelming time-eater. The time taken up to address the issue with the child, the time to restore order for the other children, the time required to write up the issue, the time required to keep the trouble-maker from continuing to disrupt while waiting for someone to come and take the child to the office–it is a growing issue, and consumes far too much of a public school teacher's day.
Add to that selling tickets for carnivals, dances, etc., filling out forms, issuing and retrieving books, listening to inane announcements over the intercom, and too many other time-wasters to mention, and you will see why a home schooler can complete the day is fewer hours than the public school teacher.
Yes, there are many excellent teachers, and some excellent schools. But is public schooling succeeding? Over all, I think the answer is no. Our educational system is broken, and no one seems to know how to fix it.
Rachel On Thursday, September 8 at 11:37 am
I don't think there is anything wrong with presenting the idea of homeschooling to your son and daughter-in-law, but I agree with many other commentors that showing the parents the curriculum you've already established might make them feel as though you disapprove of their choices in education. The discussion won't be positive or productive if one party is defensive right out of the gate.
My husband's mother and I disagree on several fundamental child-rearing concepts, and I think I would be upset if she started some serious child-raising activities without my approval. I was educated in the public school system while my brother was homeschooled (because our scholastic needs varied greatly), so I'm open to both sides of the debate. BUT if my MIL made an education decision without asking me just because she was a regular caregiver for my child, I would be hurt, angry, and concerned. Those emotions won't lead to anything positive for your granddaughter.
I would start by asking your son if he's thought about alternative methods of schooling and be honest about your endeavors, then perhaps schedule a sit-down with both parents. Just be prepared for the potential backlash and take responsibility for the ball that YOU got rolling. Though you never know, your DIL might be appreciative and open to your ideas. Just no more "stealth" stuff, please!
Susan On Thursday, September 8 at 11:38 am
So many are viewing the "stealth homeschooling" as a violation of the parents' trust, but I have to ask: if the parents are using grandma as daycare for years on end, don't you wonder why they haven't made their expectations clear long ago? If my kid was in daycare, I would make sure I knew how my kid was spending her days. If I have not asked, and I have not made any expectations clear, I have to say I think it's my fault if there has been something going on that I don't approve of!
I do think it would be better fro grandma to have asked up front about formal homeschooling before beginning, but if it is the PARENTS' responsibility to educate their child then I have to assume that the PARENTS have fallen down on the job already. Unless grandma is actually deceiving them, why don't the PARENTS know what the heck is going on with their kid all day?
Marcy On Thursday, September 8 at 2:00 pm
By using the word "stealth" the grandmother is suggesting that she already knows the views/expectations of the parents but disagrees. Instead she appears to have chosen to be dishonest with the parents about her activities with their child.
Marcy On Thursday, September 8 at 2:08 pm
One more thought…it's possible the parents don't agree with a formal curriculum at such a young age. Young children are CONSTANTLY learning. If the granddaughter is already in preschool for a couple of days per week they may feel that is enough. Not all parents agree with structured reading and writing lessons with preschoolers. They can learn so much from their environment – being read to, exploring the world around them.
A. On Thursday, September 8 at 11:43 am
I think everybody does homeschooling to a degree, whether or not they send their children to a public school. My grandmother taught me to read and write before I went to school. My mother explained things to me when we were outside, and my father would tell me things randomly, like bits of history or geography. They just didn't organize it.
I don't see anything wrong with that. Even if your granddaughter goes to school, you can still teach her things. It's a normal thing to do.
Jennifer On Thursday, September 8 at 11:55 am
Nana, Keeping your grandbaby and teaching her things is noble. Hiding it and thinking you know best is just awful. You raised your children. Now, let your children raise theirs. I just can not get past the condescending tone in which you spoke of your grandchild's mother. Trust your son and his wife to make the very best decisions for this little girl. Put your own selfish wants aside and embrace their decisions for the good of the child involved. I can just about promise you heartache if you pursue this "stealth homeschooling" that you have taunted.
Rebecca On Thursday, September 8 at 12:13 pm
First, let me say that although I do not homeschool, I think it is a great option for those that can make it work in their family. But we all must remember that in this country we are blessed with educational options. We must figure out what works best for our family, and realize that not any one of the choices is perfect. They all have their pros and cons.
My concern with this situation is that you might over-step your bounds as a grandparent. I realize that your son and dil have already adjusted that line by having you watch your granddaughter. And I realize that this is a common occurance in this day and age of two income families. But it makes me so sad for your dil and her daughter, and the many others in this situation. Your dil has handed over her responsibility of mother to you and daycare. Why are mothers giving up their parental rights in order to pursue some meaningless career?
I'm sorry that I got off on a different tangent from your question. I just see so many things wrong with this situation.
Proud stay-at-home mom of five
Stacy On Friday, September 9 at 7:45 am
"meaningless career" – That's pretty judgmental, no? Who are you to know what anyone is doing for a career and whether or not it's meaningless?
It's great that you're able to stay at home with your kids, but not everyone can or chooses to do so, and that doesn't necessarily translate to "handing over responsibility of mother."
Perhaps such inflammatory tangents are best left out of the discussion.
Rachel On Friday, September 9 at 4:43 pm
My career supports my family and makes me happy. It's opened many doors for my family – financially and socially. It's one of the most meaningful things I've worked toward in my life. Please be respectful of my choices.
Robin On Friday, September 9 at 7:23 pm
I also find Rebecca's comment that working mothers are "giving up parental rights to pursue meaningless careers" to be extremely judgmental. I am a Registered Nurse and the mother of a college Freshman. I worked full-time as a pediatric psychiatric nurse until my own child was in middle school. In addition to being a responsible parent to my own child, I contributed significantly to the care and well being of many ill children and their families.
My child developed a neurological condition so I did stay home for several years in order to augment his public schooling while he was in middle school and early high school. My experience as a pediatric nurse helped me to be an excellent advocate for MY child when he needed it. He is now doing well at university and I am looking forward to resuming full-time nursing.
Rebecca – I think is is sad that you are so lacking in a vocation that you ignorantly think of those who do as spending their days in meaningless ways and as giving up their parental rights.
Angela On Saturday, September 10 at 9:38 pm
I teach at a college. I love my work. A couple of years ago I noticed that a student and advisee was having trouble. I reached out to him, talked and emailed, persuaded him to seek counseling locally, and had lunch with him every few weeks just to talk and so he could see someone had faith in him and was interested in him. At a reception the night before graduation, he introduced me to his parents and then said of me to them "She kept me alive".
A meaningless career, huh?
Danielle On Thursday, September 8 at 12:18 pm
I don't quite understand why Pam thinks that the DIL is wrong here. Pam raised her child/children; now it's her son and DILs turn to to raise their child. I think it's incredibly ignorant and pushy of Pam to think that she A) has any right to try to manipulate her son and DIL into allowing her to homeschool her granddaughter, and B) has any right to an opinion in the matter. Her son and DIL are the only two people who need to make that decision; if public school was good enough for the DIL, it will be good enough for the granddaughter. Public school is as good as any homeschool program in one particular way: your child gets out of it what you, the parent, puts into it. Pam, why can't you do some homeschooling on your own, when your granddaughter returns from school? Why does it have to be your way, or the wrong way? Your question is a little offensive, in my opinion.
kathy On Thursday, September 8 at 12:39 pm
OMG we are living the same life. We finally compromised on a Christian elementary school, (of course I picked up the tab). but I stay very involved in the schooling, Kindergarten this year. the school has K1 and K2 so this is the K2 year. all is going well. Gramma Uh Oh, I was reading some of the remarks, and maybe I shouldn't stay involved in the schooling. The parents work long days and sometimes I attend the school functions and help with the homework. My daughter in law likes to come home to a bathed, fed and homework (kindergarten stuff only) completed kid. My son is too barrelled to really know although he likes to help her with sports. So how far should I back off, and to what detriment to my grandaughter? Thanks for all the food for thought.
Jessica On Thursday, September 8 at 3:05 pm
Sounds like neither your son nor your DIL have any objections to you helping with homework. If it ever starts to feel tense, it might be a simple matter of flipping open the notebook when mom gets home and saying this is what we worked on today, this is what she did well, this is what she needs to keep practicing. Then the parents feel involved; you ease some of the guilt they probably feel so that they are free to be grateful to you for paving the way for quality time when they get home from work.
What a thoughtful, helpful, pull-no-punches bunch of ladies. I wish I had you all on speed dial.
Jennifer On Thursday, September 8 at 11:38 pm
In your case, you have an open relationship with your son and dil. They are aware of your involvement and the extent as to which you help your granddaughter.
In the case of the original poster, she is keeping her "stealth" teachings and curriculum a secret from the child's parents. BIG difference!
Bless you for being involved in your grandchildren's life when their parents can't do as much.
Jennifer R On Friday, September 9 at 7:50 am
Hi, it sounds like you have a great set up that is workable for all involved. And what a blessing to these two hard-working parents that you are willing and able to help so much! That being said, this might provide a catalyst to "check in" and have an open discussion about your arrangement to be sure it's still working for all.
Your use of the word compromise indicates that the lines of communication are open. This doesn't seem to be the case with the original poster. I agree with the numerous commenters that it's not the fact that she tries to use her time in a purposeful and educational way, it's that she is doing it on the sly and actually following a formal curriculum.
Bee D. On Friday, September 9 at 7:59 am
Totally different. You compromised! That is not what this nana did. Stealth is the key word here, and no compromising was done. You are fine. And picking up the tab is so wonderful of you. Thanks for being a great grandma!
Kimber On Friday, September 9 at 9:44 pm
This is a totally different situation. You are assisting the parents and supplementing the child's education with the parent's full support, knowledge, and, I hope, full gratitude. I would give anything for that kind of help.
Jessica Ailes On Thursday, September 8 at 12:41 pm
I find we sometimes anticipate reactions from people based on previous experiences (not necessarily with the person in question) or things we "make up" in our minds, through our life filters. It may be that your DIL would be receptive, but something you have filtered through past experiences makes you unsure. I agree with "Home School Coach", though, that you should discuss the idea with your son first, and be open and loving in your conversations with him and your DIL. Anything is possible when we let the moment unfold, and you may see your wish come true.
Sarah C. On Thursday, September 8 at 12:54 pm
The problem lies in the title of this post. It's not anyone's job to get a parent to consider homeschooling, public schooling, or private schooling.
If you are a parent that doesn't feel the current schooling your child is receiving is working for them, then I can see being open to suggestions on how to make it better. Switching to homeschool could be the answer for some people.
For people that already homeschool, your focus should be how can you can communicate the positive experiences you've had with homeschooling. It shouldn't be "How can I convince everyone that homeschooling is better and you should do it too". That is the tone this post's title takes and it's off-putting.
Everybody knows that there are bad public schools, bad home schools, and bad private schools. You are not going to get anywhere trying to convince a parent that one of those options is better for every child.
Jana On Thursday, September 8 at 1:01 pm
You can read most of John Taylor Gatto's book, Underground History of American Education online for free. You may not consider taking this certain approach, but it is good information to have and know in any case.
Mandy On Thursday, September 8 at 1:03 pm
Let me just say that no matter what side of the fence you come down with homeschooling, you need to be respectful of the parents' decisions and authority. I know that there are many on this forum who believe homeschool is the only way, no matter what. However, your granddaughter may very well receive an excellant education in the school district she resides in.
If I'm guessing correctly, you raised your children in the way you decided best, and probably made some mistakes along the way like the rest of us. Be sure that you allow your son and his wife the same freedom. You need to tread lightly, because pushing too hard may result in them pushing you away.
My best advice is to bring up the subject in a non-confrontational way, even offering to homeschool your granddaughter. If the answer is no, however, you have to let it go. Being pushy and overbearing will only cause problems that can be irreparable later.
Tori On Thursday, September 8 at 1:22 pm
I wouldn't be upset with you if you were my MIL and I found out that you were "stealth homeschooling" my child. I would be hurt that you didn't communicate with me beforehand and get my input. But that is just me! I don't fully understand the dynamics of your relationship with your DIL, but it sounds like it could be a sensitive one.
Speaking from experience – my mother would do things with, and for my son behind my back that she knew I wouldn't approve of then expect me to be OK with it because he was so happy. In all relationships there are boundaries that need to be respected.
It is understandable that you want what is best for your granddaughter, but you have to remember that so do her parents. You all have her best interests at heart and that is commendable. Not every child is that lucky. But, at the end of the day, she is still their daughter, and whether you agree with their choices or not, and as long as they aren't harming your granddaughter, you may just have to step back and submit to their decisions.
There is nothing wrong with going to them and telling them how you feel, or share your ideas. But if they don't respond the way that you would like, or would hope, then that means they may be setting a boundary and you should respect that.
Your question was "How do I introduce the idea of homeschooling to my son and daughter-in-law? I'm baffled about how to take someone from knowing nothing about homeschooling to seeing it as a positive option."
People are people, and we form opinions based on half the information, and half-baked ideas sometimes. You may not be able to "take" someone from knowing to seeing. The debate will rage on as long as homeschool is an option. I homeschooled my son for two years (9th and 10th), and we both loved it. But he chose to go back to Christian school and I supported him.
Whatever you do, do it in honesty and love. Don't be forceful or badgering. That will only build a wall between you and your son and DIL.
Carolann On Thursday, September 8 at 1:24 pm
I am not saying "all homeschool kids " are lacking, because I do know a few that have adjusted very well later in life. I'm just saying these kids have limited exposure to so many opportunities that a lot of public school can offer.
I have a couple of friends that live in areas where the schools systems are poor, they have chosen to home school because private schools are not an option right now. They will acknowledge that their kids are missing out on some social and academic opportunities. I also have friends who send their kids to small private schools for various reasons. They will acknowledge the same things. My kids miss out on the flexibility that homeschoolers have. But, they also understand that as adults, life is not always flexible and you have to play by someone else's rules. I just think that is important. I do respect those who home school and truly teach their kids. I think their are some who homeschool, but are really just playing school when they want too. So, these things do not apply to those who are really doing things the way they should be. I respect any mother who tries to teach their children properly. But, I always would like for those homeschoolers who stereotype public school kids, that we are not ALL bad either. I get very offended too when people bash public schools. I would put my children's education up against ANY homeschoolers any day of the week. Score to score – IF they want to learn and are taught, they will All be success
travelwiththree On Thursday, September 8 at 2:35 pm
I am curious why you read a homeschooling blog?
I love reading Pioneer Woman Homeschooling for all of the ideas and support, yet when the comments are muddied with negativity, it seems to really take away from what we are ALL trying to do, ensure our children a wonderful education!
I wish you the very best of luck with your situation and think you sound like an awesome grandmother!
Maria L On Thursday, September 8 at 7:40 pm
Not Carolann, but I read it a) because I get the rss feeds for everything on PW, and b) because the regular writers often have good ideas that can be encorporated into a public school family. The articles, unlike many of the comments, do not have the tone that all "good" parents homeschool or that all "good" mothers don't have to bring in an income. Or that sending kids to public school is just handing over your child's education to "the man."
What drew me to comment on the thread was my shock that a MIL would overstep in this way. I'm shocked at some of the attitudes I'm reading about public/private schools. (Except the religious ones, because they totally fit the stereotype.) I have friends who homeschool, and friends who send thier kids to private and parochial schools, and we can respect our different situations and trust each other to make the best choices for our own children (without interference from overstepping MILs!)
lynne On Thursday, September 8 at 10:18 pm
It really does feel a bit negative here. Carolann, you will probably hear a lot of public school bashing, because a lot of parents come here to get advice for homeschooling and voice their frustrations over the public school. My husband and I both grew up in the public schools. We decided to homeschool last year because we were moving across the country and felt like God was leading us to do so. We had such a great year we decided to do it again. I have no complaints about the public schools. We actually live in a great school district. Homeschoolers come from all walks of life. I'm sad to see that you are offended , and it's causing you to feel like you need to throw some blows in there. I think it's kind of hurtful to be honest. You shouldn't feel the need to defend your children and your choices. I'm sorry for that, but instead of throwing some hurtful remarks in there, why don't you just encourage everyone by sharing your great experiences.
Elizabeth On Friday, September 9 at 2:32 am
You get so offended when people bash public schools yet you have no problem bashing homeschooling. Maybe you need to take a step back and re-familiarize yourself with the "Golden Rule." If you don't want your choice in education bashed then don't go bashing other people's choices in education. Simple as that. It's great that your kids have received a good education through public schools. I actually love hearing that! Instead of getting your panties in a wad and talking trash about homeschooling, share your great public school stories with us! I for one would love to hear them even though I am a homeschooling mom. I have absolutely no issues with public schools and we actually live in an area with fantastic schools, but homeschooling is what works in our family. Public school would not at this point in our lives.
I saw one other person comment on how homeschoolers can accomplish anything in 2-3 hours, so I wanted to comment on that as well. We do about 3-4 hours a day, 4 days a week. We complete all of the following in that amount of time: math, handwriting, language arts (reading, spelling, grammar, etc.), geography, history, art. music, science, and a few other things. This time does NOT include extra-curriculars like gymnastics, dance, tennis, scouts, church. It does not include our bi-weekly (sometimes weekly) educational field trips with our local homeschool group. I know it's probably hard for you to believe, but in that short amount of time that we homeschool each day we've somehow managed to get ahead in our curriculum. My kid is now about a year and a half ahead of where she'd be if she were in public school (without skipping grades). I don't consider her a genius or super-gifted at all, we just have plenty of time to get through curriculum and she loves to learn.
So you ask how can homeschoolers learn enough in 2-3 hours? Because they don't have all the downtime that kids get at a traditional school. I guarantee you that the 2-3 hours does NOT include lunch and recess breaks. It takes a lot less time to teach 1, 2, 3 kids than it does to teach a classroom of 20-30 students. I would also venture to guess that middle to high school homeschoolers who are being homeschooled properly are spending quite a bit more than 2-3 hours doing their schoolwork. I could totally see the 2-3 hours working for most of elementary though. (Though ours does take closer to the 3.5-4 hours most days.)
So yeah…bottom line.. You want people to stop bashing your choice of education? Then quit bashing theirs. Period.
for Elizabeth On Friday, September 9 at 7:50 am
to Elizabeth:
" If you don't want your choice in education bashed then don't go bashing other people's choices in education. Simple as that."
It is not as "simple as that". You, as a member of American society and as a member (I'm assuming) of Christianity, have an obligation to be a part of society by contributing to a democracy. Your choice is to withdraw into homeschooling, not contribute to a private or public school regimen; don't lose fact that it was not individuals, but a host of young men (mostly) that gave their lives for your right.
Things are not black and white, yet you are trying to rationalize by simplifying.
Elizabeth On Friday, September 9 at 11:48 am
I'm not sure I completely understand what you're trying to say (freedom of speech maybe?) but I in no way, shape or form "withdraw" into homeschooling. We are out in the community and are involved in more activities with other kids than we would if my daughter was in school.
I never said anything was black and white. When it comes to the whole homeschooling vs. traditional school debate I am the first one to tell you it absolutely is not ever and never will be a decision that is "black and white." I was simply responding to this person (you?) who proceeded to lay out every single stereotype that surrounds homeschooling and put down many peoples' choice of schooling…and then in almost the same breath says that they don't want their own choice to be bashed. Well, you know what? If you're doing to dish it out, you have to be ready to get some back in return. It would be far more productive, in my own opinion, for her to relay stories of the great schooling her kids get. I was not lying when I said that I would love to hear those stories. I love hearing about children who receive a great education REGARDLESS of which route their parents took on education path. Instead of just putting down another person's choice, tell us how great yours was. You'd get way more respect that way. Her post just led me to believe that she's yet another person uneducated about homeschooling. But that's ok, I was too before I researched, researched, researched….I just would have never gone on a public site and blasted someone else's choice without fully understanding that choice I was bashing.
Anyway, I'm not sure how my choice to homeschool = me not contributing to democracy. That makes no sense to me unless I'm reading your response completely wrong.
Anna On Thursday, September 8 at 1:46 pm
I agree with many of the above comments…when you have to do something in a "stealthy" way, you already know it's a bad idea. My comment, however, focuses MIL having a private chat with her son about this. I'd be really, really careful about that idea. It could be OK, but, considering the fact that this already sounds like a strained relationship, it's more likely to make the situation much worse. A MIL pulling her son aside to talk about what his wife ought to do…it shows a real lack of respect for their marriage and their ability and responsibility as parents. Hopefully, the son would gently say, "Thanks for your concern, but this is something that Jane and I will decide together." The end. Because, if he goes home and says, "Mom and I were thinking…" Wow.
Shana On Friday, September 9 at 8:04 pm
I was thinking that, too. On the very, very rare occasions that my MIL has "discussed" something with my husband that concerned both of us – it has not sat well with me AT ALL. I would be very, very irritated to have been left out of this discussion of my MIL "priming" my husband on how to approach me.
Mary Eve On Thursday, September 8 at 1:50 pm
You don't introduce it at all. I am assuming your son and DIL all ready know you have been doing these activities with your grandchild so they don't have a problem with it. Their child's schooling is their business not yours. You had a chance to parent children and now it is your son and DIL's turn to make choices for their child. And by all means–keep doing these extra activities with your grandchild, the time together is indeed priceless.
Tisha On Thursday, September 8 at 1:52 pm
I'm concerned with the fact that you are "stealth" anything with your granddaughter. The decisions on how a child is raised belongs solely with the parents as a team. Just as children do not have to like the decisions the parents make about them and for them, they need to respect their parents decision – same as other family members should.
It is wonderful that you want to be there for your granddaughter, son and DIL. Unfortunately you are risking your relationship with each of them as well as potentially causing problems between your son and DIL as well as between your granddaughter and her parents if you continue to "stealth" anything.
There are many ways that you can educate your granddaughter; cooking, cleaning, being organized, arts and crafts, singing, dancing, your family history, etc. Please discuss it all with the parents first as they may have plans and dreams for their family that you shouldn't want to disrupt or take away from them with "stealth" efforts. The 3 R's that so widely get forgotten or lost in everyday life for so many is Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all actions and in-actions.
Your son and DIL may already know that you have been doing things being their back with their daughter – things she may have said, things they may have observed. I don't know if your granddaughter is with you so often in the week due to financial reasons of the parents or for the enrichment and love from quality time with family but whatever it is, for the sake of each family member, my encouragement to you is to sit down with your son and DIL without your granddaughter anywhere near that she could overhear or walk into the area and apologize for your actions and come clean about what you have done. Let them know you love each of them and you want to help them make their dreams and wishes regarding their family come true if there is anything that they would like for you to do for them. Let them know that you would like to homeschool your granddaughter as a team with them or on your own with their blessings and with them being fully part of the process – all is their decision and you will carry them out as they choose.
God Bless.
wendy On Thursday, September 8 at 1:57 pm
I don't think the debate here should be home school vs public school. Homeschooling and public schooling offer many positives. What is right for this child? Is this a child who will flourish in the home school or public school environment? How is she doing at her preschool? What does the child prefer? What do these parents believe in? As the Grandmother a suggestion may be given however the final decision lays with her parents. We all have our own opinions however they are just opinions. Each child is different and a parent in the end makes the decision for their child.
Michele Favaro On Thursday, September 8 at 2:14 pm
This is one of the reasons I like non-family daycare situations. Grandmas are wonderful and honestly, there is no substitute for your grandma hands-down BUT you are not the parent. Why are you being so secretive? Did your DIL forbid you to help your granddaughter learn? If cannot imagine that. Tell your DIL what you are doing and don't introduce homeschooling. You are being a good grandma and helping your granddaughter preparing for K. Homeschooling is not for every family- mine for instance. It would not work well for us so we don't do it. Your DIL might not like the idea of you as her daughter's formal teacher. It is really not something you should bring up IMO. That is not your place.
Leslie On Thursday, September 8 at 2:27 pm
I understand both sides of the "debate." As a young mom, I would be completely taken back if my mother in law suggested that she could school my son better than the traditional school system. It will be very important that you approach this the right way, and that you don't treat your ideas and methods better than hers. Ultimately, she is the mother of that child and she will feel that she knows the best way to educate her baby. I taught second grade before my son was born. He is 4 now and we are doing preschool at home this year. My husband and I havent decided what we will ultimately do with grade school, but for now, he is getting all that he needs academically and socially (we attend a few small groups through church during the week, one being MOPS). Prayerfully consider the right way to approach your daughter in law, and respect the fact that she is the mommy of that child.
kath On Thursday, September 8 at 2:41 pm
Well, first of all, and this might not be a popular sentiment, your job as a grandmother is to be supportive of your children and loving to your grandchildren. It's clear that you love your grandchild and want the best for her. No one is disputing that, and I'm sure you look at this as a loving gesture. Your son and daughter-in-law are most likely aware of your homeschooling history and have chosen not to ask you to educate their daughter. Just because you think it would be better for your grandchild, they clearly disagree and they get to make the final decision as the parents. It may not be your situation at all but I can see this as being seen by your daughter-in-law as a control issue and that you are trying to usurp her role as the decision maker for her child, as if you think you know better than she does about what's right for her daughter. Again, this may not be the case, but I'm sure you realize that it can be perceived this way. They have their reasons for putting their daughter in public school and you need to step back and respect that. It's not just the socialization aspect of it. Maybe your grandchild really enjoys school and does well and her parents want her to adapt to all of the diversity that a public school offers. I get it, this is a homeschooling blog so most people are homeschoolers and feel that this is the best way to educate children and for THEM it is the best way, but homeschooling is not the only right way to educate children. Public school will not turn your granddaughter into a poor student any more than homeschooling will make her a genius. I think, as a parent and a grandparent myself, that you need to respect whatever decision your son and his wife make and let it go. You can keep working with her at your house after school, but make it fun for her, and make sure your son and his wife know that they are in charge and you will support their decisions, whether you agree with them or not. If it gets turned into a tug of war, you will lose. No one wants to see that happen.
April On Thursday, September 8 at 2:43 pm
I agree that it is a very delicate issue. Let me tell you a personal story not really related to homeschooling but related to a MIL trying to get a DIL to do what the MIL thinks is best for the child. Years ago I had a lot of difficulty breastfeeding. I really worked at it by going to a lactation consultant and buying a pump. I would breastfeed my baby then pump the rest and feed that to my baby, then start over 2-3 hours later. I was constantly working, thinking, SLEEPING breastfeeding! My MIL was genuinely worried about my baby not getting enough. So she called my husband and told him that she thought I should stop breastfeeding and switch to formula and she would pay for it. He nicely told her that he thought our baby was fine and that we were going to continue to do what we were doing. When he told me that she had called him trying to convince him that I needed to stop breastfeeding, I felt hurt, betrayed, and like she thought I was a failure! (probably a little bit of hormones added to the mix. :)) It really did put a strain on our relationship for a while….and it made me even more determined to breastfeed! So even though she had the best intentions for our child, she didn't understand that my husband and I were not going to let our child starve and in a sense she didn't trust us with our child's welfare. ( My son is now 17 years old, 6'2″ and healthy.)
So when you are talking to them about homeschooling really try to respect their wishes even if it ends up meaning not homeschooling. I think it is a great thing that you want to homeschool your granddaughter, but it is not worth straining a relationship over it. Just being with her, playing with her, reading to her is so invaluable to her and her life.
karen b On Thursday, September 8 at 2:54 pm
I am going to step out on a limb here. As parents that chose public school for our children we don't think its all bad.I can say there has been things we haven't appreciated, but for the most part has been a good thing for us. I would personally be upset if my MIL did this w/out asking us first. If she wanted to teach them how to count, abcs, colors shapes & simple things ok, but it is our responsibilty to decide how our children should be taught!!!!!! To me it would be saying she didn't trust me to do the best thing for my child or children. This could def cause problems in there relationship. Pease,Please, Please tell the parents before it goes any further!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Colleen On Thursday, September 8 at 3:10 pm
This whole "debate" going on here is so annoying. If you don't have a helpful answer to the question, why don't you just NOT ANSWER instead of turning it into a forum to bash one another's beliefs and this poor Grandma who is trying to help educate her DIL on homeschooling – NOT force something on her. Read the question peeps.
andipandi On Thursday, September 8 at 4:12 pm
educate, indoctrinate, tomato, tomahto… I'd say sneaking around is forcing it on her.
RK On Friday, September 9 at 10:43 am
Just because "You should probably back off" is an answer that differs from your opinion does not make it an unhelpful answer.
VaBaker On Thursday, September 8 at 3:36 pm
I am slightly taken aback that a grandmother would take it upon herself to push her parenting beliefs on her children (yes, even your DIL is your child when your son chooses to love her, marry her, and have a child with her). You had your opportunity to raise your children, and while you may have later realized you wanted to change some things up and improve upon them, now is not your turn – you have to give them that opportunity or this child will grow up in an unhealthy environment in which nana doesn't approve of mom and mom and dad are upset with nana.
Having been a homeschooled child for part of my life, I found that it starved me of many opportunities that other school environments could provide – the greatest of these was interpersonal relationships (the good and the bad). I would never give up my days in public school, but my parents did what they needed to in order to make sure we were in a good school district, which is crucial.
Nana, your efforts to raise the best child possible are hopefully not ignored, but I would hope that you would not abuse your privilege to spend that time with your granddaughter by attempting to be her parent when all she needs is a grandmother who supports her parents and encourages their parenting.
Jan On Thursday, September 8 at 3:38 pm
My question is how to get parents to REconsider homeschooling. My daughter supposedly homeschools her 3 boys – they're 9, 8 & 6. The older 2 often ask my husband and me to "get Mom to send us to school that really teaches". It breaks my heart. Her husband wants them in school, but knows that if he enrolls them they would be pulled out because there is no way she'd allow it.
The 9 yr. old reads well, but can't put together a small paragraph. Has no concept of capitalization, punctuation, all the grammar principles. He's so sad lately and I fear this is affecting his health.
The 8 yr. old is ADD and needs special help. She says he has bad eyes. @@
The 6 yr. old can't read much, but he does know simple math thanks to his older brother. That means the 9 yr. old and the 6 yr. old are on the same level.
Our next step is to intercede through their minister (they do church-based homsechooling). My daughter will flip, but our concern is for 3 boys who need an advocate and neither parent is stepping up.
Am I meddling? Yes. When my 9 yr. old grandson tells me he needs help he'll get it and if my daughter is angry then too bad.
Anyway, I have no problem with a daycare provider using curriculum while providing care. I do have a problem with that provider trying to steer a future course.
Jessica On Thursday, September 8 at 4:50 pm
That's a really tough situation. It might help to ask yourself whether you'd prefer to have academically crippled grandchildren and a good relationship with your daughter and son-in-law, or academically strong grandchildren and law and a poor relationship with your daughter and SIL. If it were me, there is no question that I'd meddle, and if that didn't work I'd call Social Services or take legal action. What you're describing is gross neglect. People can't function in the working world without written communication skills, and language learning has critical periods during childhood development. This isn't something they can just catch up on later; your daughter is mortgaging their future.
Tanya Easley On Thursday, September 8 at 10:00 pm
Jan. One time I allowed my 11 year old daughter to fly to another state with her aunt for a visit. They hadn't even made it off the plane before my sister was using M&M's to determine whether or not my daughter knew how to calculate probabilities. Things like this continued through out the visit, with my assorted family members "just being concerned" and trying to ascertain whether or not my daughter was being adequately educated.
The final result of this charming adventure was my now 20 year old daughter was never sent to visit my family again. However, she learned probabilities (and all the other things my family seemed to feel I wasn't providing) quite well once I thought she was ready for them.
I am happy to report she started collage part time at 16, got straight A's, and is now pre-med. And my family, through their own actions, cheated themselves of a relationship with her and my three younger children.
I would advise you to reconsider.
Crystal R. On Friday, September 9 at 12:11 am
Tanya, I've had almost the same experience with well-meaning family members. When my daughter went to visit my parents for a week, my mom had her teacher friend test my daughter in reading and math to see if she was getting a real education. I use traditional textbook-style curriculum and keep a schedule, but you cannot convince naysayers of that fact. This was all done behind my back, and I found out after it happened when my mom called me from her friend's house to say that my daughter did very well — surprise, surprise. I was furious because they put my daughter on the spot and took her education into their own hands. My daughter was only in Kindergarten at the time and she started Kindergarten a year before the law required her to do so, but of course, they had to test her to make sure that I wasn't messing up her future. I have no problem testing my child; we have her take standardized tests every year (administered by a third-party) and she scores above average. The problem I have is others trying to test my child without my permission. The discouraging comments about the quality of her education stopped after she saw that my daughter had mastered the skills required by that grade level, and they shifted to the socialization issue. Then, after my mom realized how active my daughter was in co-ops and extracurricular activities, the comments shifted to the time drain and stress on me as the mom. My mom has backed off for the most part, but she does put her little negative spin on things from time to time. Her actions did negatively affect our relationship for a long time.
Jan, I agree with Tanya. You shouldn't go behind her back. She has a child with ADD who needs special help and has two other children — she has her hands full. Have you offered to assist her during the school week? With a special needs child and two others at different levels, she probably spends a lot of time going back and forth between them to complete their schooling. If she had an extra set of hands to occupy the other children while she works with one of two of them, she would probably appreciate the help and your grandchildren would benefit from the extra attention. I have a toddler and a 3rd grader, which is a pretty big age gap. I obviously cannot teach them the same material. I would have loved for a grandparent to offer to play with my toddler while my daughter and I worked on her school, but no one ever did (I did ask), so we learned flexibility and dealt with it. (My son goes to a Mother's Day Out program twice a week now, and my daughter uses a DVD curriculum to make her a little more self-sufficient on the days when he is home with us. (I am still in the room and very active about what she is learning and answer questions when needed.) About the 6 year old's reading level, I know plenty of reluctant readers at that age. Sometimes it just takes time for the child to mature and the right reading material to spark the child's interest. My daughter did not enjoy reading in Kindergarten although her word reading level was at a 4th grade level and she could and did read when forced. It wasn't until 1st grade when we found reading material that made her excited to read. She reads with accuracy, fluidity, and expression in her required reading assignments and does not fuss about the reading material now. It might just be a maturity and content issue for him right now, not necessarily a non-teaching issue on your daughter's side. I'm sorry for budding in, but this comment hit too close to home to ignore.
Maria L On Friday, September 9 at 12:00 pm
I don't see this as analogous to the OP. You want to right a wrong – that your grandchildren are being denied an education. I see this as more seeing what you should do when your grandchildren are being neglected, which is not the issue in the OP. The nine year old not being able to write a basic paragraph and the 8 year old with untreated ADD concern me, but not the 6 year old not reading fluently yet. The future isn't good, though.
Does your state require testing or portfolio requirements? I know in PA, they are required to keep in touch with their district at least annually to show the child's progress. I'd find out what the laws are and, if it's really bad to the point of endangering your grandchildren's future, report her, anonymously perhaps. Kind of like people report their grandparents to the state for not being fit to drive any more, the person gets a letter from the state saying they are up for re-testing and then they fail the test without getting into conflict with their families. (zipping up flame suit, but this sounds like a drastic situation, very atypical of most HS families.)
I think this is beyond just helping out. If the grandmother wanted to take on the responsibility of these kid's education, like the mother in the OP, that would be one thing, but it's certainly not her obligation.
Jennifer On Friday, September 9 at 1:32 pm
Have you offered help to the boys' mom? There's a reason that the Bible says that if we have a problem with another person, we should go to that person to discuss it. If you go to someone else to discuss it, you're telling tales out of school and creating resentment.
Does this boy's MOM know that he asks to be sent to a real school where he can be really taught? Does she know he's sad? He may put on a brave face for her but reach out to you. If you went directly to her with this, you might find out that she's really struggling with the ADD kid, and hasn't had time to invest in the older boy like she'd like to; that she is struggling with something else that's interfering with homeschooling; that there's something specific going on with the 9 year old (maybe he wants more of something he's not getting, while fighting her on things he needs, like handwriting — we're having that experience here at our house, with a kid who finds handwriting and math difficult, so fights us tooth and nail on them, while complaining that she wants to do more history, since she likes history. And guess what? We're ahead in history but behind in math and handwriting, and we know that, and we're working on it, but part of it is struggling to get her to put in the effort on something that's really difficult for her). You might find out that she is unaware of this (he's putting on a brave face for mom) and once she knows about it, she can address it.
You might find out that the ADD kid really does have vision problems, and that $45 for an eye exam plus $300 for glasses looks insurmountable to her, so she's putting it off (my kid who had some ADD type symptoms actually did turn out to have vision problems that needed $300 glasses — prescription plus prism to correct a misalignment — so it's entirely possible that she's right, and she just hasn't been able to get over that hump yet).
You might find out that there are things you can do, short of trying to get her kids forcibly taken from her, to straighten matters out.
It should all start, though, with you going directly to her with what you know.
jan On Friday, September 9 at 7:24 pm
Thanks for the replies to my question… I knew I could count on PW's people.
This is an ongoing situation and I'll be keeping my eyes and ears open – always with the kid's welfare in mind. And yes, we have discussed this to death with my daughter, she won't even talk about it anymore.
Michele Favaro On Monday, September 12 at 11:29 am
If a child who is being homeschooled is truly NOT at grade level and is clearly in danger of not being educated then I would call your local school admin offices with the concerns.
This mother is probably not properly educated on home schooling and what she needs to do to prepare her children for their futures. I think so often people think that home schooling = do whatever you want, whenever you feel like it. It really does need to be an organized clear system in your home that meets the child's needs.
MelissaW On Thursday, September 8 at 3:46 pm
First I just want to say that you are one awesome Grandma. To care and spend extra time with her the way that you are is amazing. You are loving and dedicated.
On the issue of presenting Homeschooling. I think asking questions to your DIL is good. Ask her what her plans are and intentions. Just being curious on what is going to happen to your grand daughter when she approaches school next year. Then maybe ask them if they have thought about homeschooling and what their thoughts are? Maybe offering to show them what your grand daughter has accomplished this past year. That you would be willing to help and be involved. You might want to talk to both your son and DIL at the same time. But I think you also have to be prepared and be respectful to that it is their child and their choice in the end. To be supportive no matter which way its turns.
I am a home school mom so I understand where your coming from and the hopes you have for your grand daughter but think back when you had your own child and what it might be like had your mother in law said something to you on raising your children. Really hope this goes well for you and all benefit from such a dedicated grandmom. Wish we had been so lucky.
On another note to those who put home schooling stereo types on the burner. Just a few examples. A girl I know who was home schooled just graduated and is now at Princeton. Almost perfect scores on SAT and ACT's. Schooled at home from K-12. Part of a home school co-op with tons of interaction. You can get more social interaction on a one on one basis then in school itself. Most of the kids I know can articulate and function in society then any public school child I know. The test scores and the desire to learn far exceeds any public school child I know.
I have several friends who are school teachers in the schools and they tell me first hand the stuff that is going on in public schools and its is not pretty. So please do not bash home schoolers who are exposed to way much more learning then any public school child could ever get. I would put any home school child against a public school child any day. Its been proven and will still be proven that a one on one intense home school curriculum can reach farther then any public school child. Also I for one also say if you do not home school you have no business being in a section that is for "HOME SCHOOLERS"
Carol On Thursday, September 8 at 6:29 pm
> Also I for one also say if you do not home school you have no business being in a
> section that is for "HOME SCHOOLERS"
Really? I plan to send my sons to public school. But I also do activities and read books and other things with them at home, and I plan to continue that as well. Reading homeschool blogs sometimes gives me great ideas, or I find about fun board games that are great for learning. It seems unreasonable to demand that I stop reading a forum just because I'm not making a choice for full-time homeschooling.
VHF On Thursday, September 8 at 10:26 pm
This is a public forum, so even if I do not home school, I can read post and comment. I do not agree that home schoolers are exposed to a lot more learning than public school kids. Really? Everyone should make their decisions based on what is truly set for their own child.
Angie On Thursday, September 8 at 10:55 pm
I liked what you had to say right until the last line "Also I for one also say if you do not home school you have no business being in a section that is for "HOME SCHOOLERS"". I don't home school. I have a four year old and both my husband and I work full time so home school is not an option for our family at this point in our life..but I have read some interesting stuff in this section. I even found a link to a home school pre-school curiculum that I am now using in the evenings with my daughter to help her be more prepared for Kindergarten. So, with that said I felt like your last line was a bit inappropriate. Maybe everyone should try being a little less judgemental and a little more supportive no matter what choice a parent makes in how best to educate their children. There will always be the good and the bad in both systems, the successes and the failures, the pros and the cons. Let's try to be a little less snarky with each other (we are not politicians after all we just wants what's best for our kids and within in our means and/or reach).
MelissaW On Friday, September 9 at 9:09 am
Words and feeling sometimes do not add up to a good post. What I should have said is "Please do not put down or degrade home schoolers and their choices in a section that is marked Home School". It is not strictly for home schoolers but to do such things really undermines this section. Yes it is public but I go to this section for ideas and inspiration for home schooling not to feel wrong,guilty, put down for my choice. It would be like going to a site that is for public school and saying such things to you all that have chosen that path. I know people do but its not right. I am a strong believer in education and what works for one child and family does not necessarily work for another. Stereo types on both sides need to be erased from our minds. There are both good families and bad families in both worlds.
kathy On Friday, September 9 at 2:49 pm
ILast time I checked I can read and comment on whatever I want to read and comment on. we all have the freedom of choice and you, my friend, have the freedom to NOT read whatever you choose. That is America.